Amp Up Your Sexy With Men (Avoid These 3 Missteps)

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danielle dowlingDanielle Dowling is on of my great Interviewees – and I LOVE how she writes – she gave me this as a guest post – and if you’d like to read more from her, go to: http://danielle-dowling.com/
by Danielle Dowling
So what is it about the woman that always gets the guy?  You know who I’m talking about.

Every guy you know thinks she’s cool/smart/funny.  Men get giddy round her.  Conversations stall when she walks into a room.

What does she know that the rest of us don’t?

Girl, it’s not about what she has – so much as what she doesn’t have.  It’s pretty likely that men are attracted to her not only because of the things that she does, but because of the things that she doesn’t do.

And I can guarantee you that our Girl Wonder does not exhibit any of these three traits:

Neediness:

Ahh. The mother of all un-sexiness.

Sometimes (and this has probably happened to the best of us) we might feel a bit incomplete without a man or believe a relationship will solve our problems.  The man in your life will smell this desperation a mile away. And desperation?  It’s not a good look on anyone.

When you’re carrying around the (totally false) idea that you need a man to be complete, you’re giving away your power.

Pause right there.

Think about it – when you place your contentment + happiness in the hands of another individual, you’re at their mercy.  Are you willing to gamble your well-being on his actions or in-actions?

Besides, consider all the unnecessary pressure it puts on him! The pressure to live-up to your expectations of the perfect mate will be exhausting + a sure-fire way to incite disinterest.

Want to reclaim your power?  Brilliant.  Start by putting the kabosh on these actions:

1. Needing his approval of how you look
2. Incessant emailing, texting and phone calling.  (not to mention obsessive checking of your own email or vmail–mmmhmm….we’ve all done it…)
3. Insisting you know where he is, was + will be 24-7
4. Too many whiny “I miss you’s” in that little girl voice

Insecurity:

The number 2 way to send your man running for the hills.

It sounds like this:

“Do you still love me as much as before?”
“Do you think I look fat in this?”
“Am I pretty enough for you?”

Insecurity is rooted in another false idea – the idea that you are somehow not adequate. You’re only human and self-doubt is a very real emotion that we all feel from time to time. Totally normal.

However, staying stuck and investing in the idea that you are “less than” is a slippery slope. The key to being desirable is to allow yourself to have the feelings of insecurity but not indulge in them! (Easier said than done.  I know.  But practice makes perfect- so give ‘er a shot.)

Simply notice when those feeling come up and reflect….”Hmph.  There is that thought again. Interesting”…and then redirect your attention to what you’re doing in at the moment.  Imagine sitting by a babbling brook and noticing how the leaves glide across the surface of the water past you.  Think of your insecure thoughts as those leaves.

You always have a choice.
You can either invest in your insecurity or your sexy.
You decide.

Overly critical of others. Especially of other women:

Let’s get straight to the point, shall we?  It is flat-out ugly when you
are outwardly critical, especially of other women.   Imagine this:  A beautiful woman walks into the room + your perfectly pleasant conversation with your sweetie quickly spirals into a sarcastic, snarkfest of gnarly criticism.

Why is it that women find it so difficult to compliment another gorgeous, accomplished woman? (Especially, in the presence of their honey?)

Answer: Yup, you guessed it–False ideas.

Somewhere we believe that by tearing other women down our man will not notice their attractiveness.

Reality Check: he probably noticed her 10 seconds before you did so it’s a waste of time.  Not to mention that being critical paints you as jealous, insecure + really, kinda mean.  And who wants to be That Girl?

Take notice of your energy level after such a barrage….does it feel heavy or light + airy?  Energetically you will recognize that the ill-will is draining.  On you + your man.

Personally whenever I see a hot, sassy mama I say to myself “You go, girl.”  I’ve even been known to call my boyfriends attention to her killer shoes, stylish dress or confident ways.  This way we both get to enjoy her shine + it fosters open dialogue between us. (Never a bad thing)

I will often stop a woman and tell her she looks great in her dress, or that her hair looks awesome and ask where she gets it cut.  The appreciation + gratitude bestowed on me are rewarding and she walks away feeling just a little more shiny than before.  Win-Win.

Let’s talk about how to amp up your sexy instead!

1. Take stock of how often you check your text/email out of a sense of desperation. This is your one and only life – slide back into the driver’s seat and reevaluate a better use of your energy.  What is an action you can take right now that will focus your attention on your overall well-being + happiness? Yoga at lunch?  Manicure with a girlfriend after work? Perhaps making that long put off phone call to your local graduate school or headhunter.

2.  Feeling insecure cause you don’t fit in your skinny jeans from 11 years ago? Get-rid-of-them!
Honestly, how realistic is it that you’ll be that size again….have you considered that it’s cruel to keep them in your closet?  That you are dismissing your present-day deliciousness? I am not suggesting that you pack on the lbs on and ignore your health.  I’m encouraging you to honor + dare I say…celebrate your womanly figure.

Toss the jeans.
Seriously.

3. When you see a stunning women, immediately catch INSECURITY + CRITICISM, and silently take notice of what you admire about her. Say “good for her.” And if you’re feeling real bold + saucy get her attention and give her the gift of a compliment.

The universe loves that stuff!  I bet a compliment is already on its way to you.

 

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391 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Amp up!!



  2.  #2Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:26 am

    “The key to being desirable is to allow yourself to have the feelings of insecurity but not indulge in them!”



  3.  #3Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Even though I have feelings of insecurity I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:28 am

    “What is an action you can take right now that will focus your attention on your overall well-being + happiness?”

    I am amping up my vibe using guided meditation on confidence for a High School Reunion on Saturday.



  5.  #5Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Toss the jeans.
    Seriously.

    Yayyy!! 🙂 🙂
    Bam



  6.  #6Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:33 am

    “I will often stop a woman and tell her she looks great in her dress, or that her hair looks awesome and ask where she gets it cut”.

    When I do this my kids, especially my daughter tells me I am crazy or embarassing. I am particularly drawn to bodacious hair. I find I am getting better and better at giving complements and I feel light and airy after. I find it really keeps me in the moment/now.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 7:35 am

    ‘Imagine sitting by a babbling brook and noticing how the leaves glide across the surface of the water past you. Think of your insecure thoughts as those leaves”.

    aaaah this feels so freeing and relaxing.



  8.  #8Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 7:55 am

    I just like sharing all of this with people and maybe someday someone here will want to make use of some of the tools I’m doing on my personal growth journey…so this feels like it’s maybe the right place to post them.

    Today I will do a stream of consciousness writing exercise. The topic is “What would I do differently if I had no fear of making mistakes?”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  9.  #9Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 8:03 am

    I love this!: Think about it – when you place your contentment + happiness in the hands of another individual, you’re at their mercy. Are you willing to gamble your well-being on his actions or in-actions?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  10.  #10dcd568 on May 2, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I absolutely LOVE it when women compliment me. That’s when you KNOW you look great and makes you feel ever better! I am all for giving compliments any time one is deserved, to a man or a woman! Being nice never hurt anyone’s feelings.



  11.  #11Senior Lady Vibe on May 2, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Wise words from Pepper Schwartz:

    “…Middle-aged men and women and people old enough to be thanked by Willard on the “Today” show still want it all.

    They want to cuddle, kiss, hold hands, get touched in erotic zones and have intercourse. And they don’t want you to think that’s cute or optional. Their sexual and emotional needs don’t die before they do. In fact, a lot of medical evidence indicates that if they do have physical affection, love and sex they will live longer…”
    ~Pepper Schwartz Ph.D.

    Editor’s note [CNN]: Pepper Schwartz is professor of sociology at the University of Washington and the author or co-author of 17 books, the latest of which is “The Normal Bar.” She is the AARP Love and Relationship Ambassador and writes the Naked Truth column for AARP.org. She is a senior fellow at the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit organization that gathers research on American families, and chief expert for perfectmatch.com.

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/01/opinion/schwartz-martha-stewart-dating

    SLV (& Sweetie too.. 😀 )
    xoxo



  12.  #12Dominique on May 2, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Senior Lady Vibe – Triple LIKE.

    xxoo



  13.  #13Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 9:57 am

    I love this post. I can say I don’t do any of the don’ts …..



  14.  #14prplpsn28 on May 2, 2013 at 10:26 am

    FW 5 – Jeans are pretty much the only thing I wear when I go out. With a nice top of course. I like to look nice. I happen to think my jeans are sexy but I must say it would be nice to wear a dress/skirt once in a while. Even a nice sundress. I am SOOO picky about my clothes tho and have a VERY difficult time shopping. Everything out there looks like something my 90 yr old grandma would wear. I am SO NOT going there! LOL I’m only in my mid 40’s (feel like I’m in my 20’s) and I want to look sexy. Where do I find sexy? Any tips ladies?



  15.  #15Sassy on May 2, 2013 at 10:41 am

    I am not the most secure woman in the world but I really cannot understand why women get so aggravated, scared, jealous, angry-pick an emotion, when their SO looks at another female! It’s one thing if they say something totally inappropriate but 9 times out of 10, it’s so automatic they forget the female a minute later!



  16.  #16Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Rori encourages us to wear skirts/dresses to be feminine. Also soft pastels like pink, baby blue and lilac.



  17.  #17prplpsn28 on May 2, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Oops! Just now read the entire article above. I understand what they are saying about the jeans, etc. I must say I don’t do any of the “don’t’s” that are mentioned. Yay! One exception might be checking for a text/email. But only if I’ve been away from my phone for a while. And I think I’ve gotten much better. I don’t respond immediately when I do get a text either.



  18.  #18dcd568 on May 2, 2013 at 11:01 am

    14 – Maxi dresses with a cute cropped jean jacket and flat sandals are darling.

    Shorts with a sheer top and a cami underneath with a pair of wedge sandals is also a great casual date outfit.

    Dresses on a dinner date!



  19.  #19Indigo on May 2, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Purple,

    I’ve found radically changing your style can be VERY sexy. So if you always wear neutral colours to one day wear something bright pink, purple or green – something eye-catching. It’s such a good exercise to wear something a little outrageous (yet still flattering) and feel everyone looking at you, feel the attention.

    Or to suddenly experiment with doing really dramatic eye make up, and see how it feels.



  20.  #20Femininewoman on May 2, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Rori encourages change. I find that takes away boredom. Men can get bored or lazy ((((humans))))).

    She also encourages to keep life in a state of flux. That to me helps to shake things up and change patterns. Also addresses taking things for granted and increasing attraction. There is also a tool called Unpredictable.



  21.  #21Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 11:13 am

    I’m just not up for wearing skirts or dresses to look feminine… I wear them b/c I like the way I look in them… I can’t do that 1950’s ideal of feminine being in a dress or skirt… I look feminine in whatever I’m wearing b/c I’m a feminine woman… it shows by my body language and my energy… not the clothing I wear… however, I do dress for ME … and me only… if I think I look “hot” that’s all that matters… but I find that they think so too…not sure if it is b/c of my confidence??

    “M” didn’t even like my style of clothing ( I’m hippy chic ) he is into prep… and now he totally is into my style… and he says it’s b/c of the way I wear my clothing ( meaning my mannerisms and how happy I am wearing it).

    Wear whatever you feel good/happy in and feel confident in…then you will walk and move with sexiness… 😉



  22.  #22Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 11:14 am

    I totally agree with unpredictable! I’m that way anyways… but yes, it keeps things fresh and exciting and that way for us women also! Spunky… and flirty…



  23.  #23Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 11:16 am

    @ Sassy 14 I know right! I say go ahead look, I’m going to look too! it’s human!



  24.  #24Indigo on May 2, 2013 at 11:16 am

    I compliment other women often. I ask them if they mind telling me where they bought their make up, or their shoes. I tell a women I know if they are looking particularly pretty today.

    To be perfectly honest, it makes me feel good to celebrate other women’s beauty.

    I have got to the point in my life where I don’t feel that what other people have takes away from me in any way. It’s a good feeling 🙂



  25.  #25Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 11:24 am

    @ Indigo 22 I totally do too! I agree! I also look at women so I have no issue with him. I find that I can appreciate a woman and not feel any jealousy at all. I also look at men… and so I feel it is only fair…

    I agree also.. other people’s have no take aways… it’s a nice feeling to know your awesome just b/c your you!

    thanks!



  26.  #26Dominique on May 2, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Purple – 13 – one of my favorite sites for clothes is modcloth.com. bluefly.com is also good.

    xxoo



  27.  #27Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 11:31 am

    I love seeing all the confidence on here!!! So beautiful!!! It’s hard for me to grasp such complete confidence when it comes to looks. I’m a very vain person and always have been.

    For me, I do get insecure and jealous sometimes. I know this is my stuff. Some of it has to do with actual real changes since I’ve gotten older. Some of it is my own perception. But it’s there…no doubt about that. Nothing to do with J or the other women but I do feel it. I usually feel it in my tummy…sometimes my heart. I have learned to breathe through those moments.

    I don’t put the women down or look for flaws but I also rarely draw attention (outward attention) to their beauty and if I do I don’t generally bring J into the conversation.

    I’m okay with my insecurities most of the time. They keep me motivated to take care of myself and constantly improve…never “letting myself go”. But at times they interfere with my “40 isn’t fatal” and “Fabulous in my 40’s” mantras.

    Insecurity and growth. The Mercedes Journey.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  28.  #28Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Question for the advanced sirens :

    “M” 50th birthday is coming up…. I don’t want to over-do which i’m prone to do…

    I don’t have much $. He made my 50th birthday ( in March) a special evening. So, I’ve gotten him a special handmade gift.. ( one of a kind) and wasn’t sure about planning a romantic picnic dinner up on a lookout on the mountains at sunset and having a small cake and nice bubbly. Then offer him a 1hr. massage ( I’m a massage therapist) and have a sexy evening after in the bedroom. Does that sound like over doing? ( I know he spent more $ on me, but I don’t have that type of funding). I want it to be memorable but not overdoing since it has just been 4mos.

    Any thoughts… and what’s the deal with giving to men and still not “doing” or giving more than he does.

    Thanks!



  29.  #29Dominique on May 2, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Lisa – You give what you feel inspired to give, whatever you feel in your heart. It doesn’t matter the dollars spent. A good man doesn’t consider this at all. There is only over giving if YOU think it’s over giving and thus carry this in your energy.

    If YOU want to have a picnic on the mountain with champagne, then do this. If you really want to offer a massage too, then go ahead. If you don’t then don’t.

    He will love and appreciate whatever you do, even if it’s a homemade card and that’s all. It’s from you, and this is all that matters to a good man. Actually many men don’t even care about this stuff, and a simple happy birthday would be just fine for them.

    xxoo



  30.  #30k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    “when you place your contentment + happiness in the hands of another individual, you’re at their mercy”. Indeed. #3 on that list that was quoted is controlling. I could never imagine myself like that-wanting to know where a man was 24-7!!!!! No sah. That would drive the man away. Men, (and women too of course, do not like controlling partners. “Do you still love me as much as before?”
    “Do you think I look fat in this?”
    “Am I pretty enough for you?” I don’t ask any of these questions at all. Now ladies, u know what would get me insecure? Answer: if I suspected that there was someone else in his life? It goes without saying that we would all be insecure about that right? When disappearing ex started his disappearing and I started having my suspicions, I gently asked him if he was seeing someone else?



  31.  #31prplpsn28 on May 2, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Dominique 24 – Thank you! I will check it out.



  32.  #32Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    I’ve just recently discovered amazon since I don’t have time to shop… I am a very slow shopper and I could be out all day trying things on and come home with one thing. :-/

    Amazon can be big or miss but I buy stuff that has a lot of customer reviews so usually it works out. I just ordered two dresses I’m excited!! Not expensive both under $30!

    I have been talking to a much younger man who a friend introduced me to. We have not met in person, but we seem to have a lot in common…he’s sweet and I enjoy talking to him. His family is from a totally different culture from mine but he grew up here in the USA. I feel open to any culture as long as core values match. 🙂
    He did ask me out to meet for a drink but we hve yet to coordinate a time (my fault is my schedule)

    Meanwhile exoticCD keeps popping up calling or texting but no making anything happen! Lol



  33.  #33prplpsn28 on May 2, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Indigo 17 – thanks for the tips!



  34.  #34Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    I also have a couple guys that I met online a while back that I talk to now and then…



  35.  #35k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    “Why is it that women find it so difficult to compliment another gorgeous, accomplished woman? (Especially, in the presence of their honey?)”. Nothing gives me great joy than to see a woman looking stunning and looking real good. Trust me. I might be shy to give women who I don’t know compliments, but once I know u and u look good, u don’t have to be my friend for me to tell u that the dress u are wearing for example or your nails look real good and where did u do them. It takes nothing off me. Co workers and acquaintances and of course friends, I tell them when they look good. Of course u have some women who u will always tell them they look good and they NEVER tell u when u look good. After a time, I usually go easy on the compliments. Its not that u are giving compliments to get back compliments but some of these women who one might be always giving compliments to, will often stare at u when they see u in a nice suit and if it is them u were waiting on to give u a compliment, u would die waiting. Lol. But as my sister and I will say, we know we look good so we don’t need any validation. Yeah man. I need to do my hair, nails and face, the whole works now, do my annual medical and so on. Lisa that sounds wonderful. No its not too much. That’s good. Remember the 50th birthday is special. Yes lisa that sound good.



  36.  #36Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I love this article and reminding us not to be needy!!

    I’m almost in the other end of the spectrum now, not sure if that is good… Like I don’t need anyone and I have a bit of a wall up… I know I’m approachable though because people talk to me and I have a friendly warm vibe (something I’ve consciously made an effort to do this)… Also I am in the frame of mind to remain open…

    But the defense sneak in…and I do close up…
    It’s ok it’s a work in progress to find the balance!



  37.  #37Sassy on May 2, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    @ Mercedes- I urge you to read this article:

    “Dove’s ‘Real Beauty’ Sketches Change Women’s Image of Themselves”
    By ABC News | ABC News Blogs – Thu, Apr 18, 2013 11:07 AM EDT

    You can find it on the “Good Morning America” site under the
    Life and Style section. It’s actually quite eye-opening!

    You, me and every women on this blog ARE beautiful and the men who love us now, in the past and in the future, truly truly see us that way. Our ages or the length of time we are together don’t tend to change their minds about that.



  38.  #38prplpsn28 on May 2, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Talk about insecurities. I have a few. Right now I feel a little insecure about the extra weight I’ve put on over the winter. And it always goes to my belly. Ugh! I’m a cyclist and if the weather ever cooperates where I’m at I’m hoping to do a lot of riding and get rid of it. Lol I also struggle with my hair cuz it’s naturally curly. Hard to deal with. I leave it down when I go out on wknds but otherwise the style of choice is a ponytail. Yuck. Hate it. But it’s easy. The one major insecurity I have is letting anyone see me without makeup. Even H. Tho he has seen me in the morning with most of it gone and my hair all goofy. My family and close friends all say I don’t look any dif without it. But I think I do. And I know that if H truely cares about me it won’t matter to him. He’s seen me looking rough and hasn’t left. How do I get over this insecurity?



  39.  #39Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    @ purple 36

    I used to go to bed with my makeup on b /c I was so insecure.. Long long time ago…. it took me actually just starting to see little by little that I wasn’t the person with the makeup on… and I just toned it down a little bit at a time… and as the years went on…. I saw pictures of myself and said wow… I’m attractive without makeup… I only wear liner and mascara… that’s it… and I have more people telling me I’m beautiful than I ever did with make up on… and I think it would have made no difference …. the only thing that made a difference is was what was going on inside me….

    Allow your inner beauty come out… and little by little tone your make-up down and you’ll see that your just as beautiful, if not more… b/c your inner glow shines…

    Just my thoughts!

    <3



  40.  #40Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Sassy: Thank you…I did see that article when it was posted on facebook and it is a good one. The problem is not about intellectually KNOWING that I’m attractive. It’s about sometimes I feel jealous and insecure. I think that’s okay and I think MOST women feel that way sometimes. I don’t feel that way all the time. I do feel that way when I’ve gained a few pounds or noticed new wrinkles, etc. I’m certain that is very normal. It doesn’t mean I don’t know I’m attractive and attractive to J…I do know that. It’s just that I don’t always FEEL that way.

    Does that make sense? As I said, I’m very vain and small changes for, what is in my mind “the worst” tend to create these little bouts of insecurity. As I said, I don’t mind those feelings because they remind me to continue to take care of myself and to keep myself at a healthy weight as well as take good care of my skin and exercise, etc. It’s not a bad thing to notice sometimes when we’re changing and to take steps to correct. At least in my mind it is not a bad thing. And I think the occasional run in with insecurity can help that right along. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  41.  #41Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Ok. Ugh. I did a good thing and maybe a bad thing? LOL. Who knows.

    OK – so he and I were talking today about the five love languages on the phone. His is physical touch – but mine is acts of service, followed truly by words of affirmation and quality time. (I know a lot.)

    Anyway – I told him, oh, well, I think your second one would be quality time. And he said no. He doesnt have a second one at all – he loves his alone time fyi. Anyway – I kept trying to “hint” that I wanted him to say that he wanted to spend time with me, etc. But he didnt. Anyway – we got off the phone and my feelings were hurt.

    So – I walked to the bathroom, and started cracking up. OF COURSE this guy likes spending time with me. We spend hours a day talking and he does everything in his power to come see me, help me, etc. So then I went over to talk to him. I asked him if we could talk and he just rolled his eyes and laughed.

    I told him….you know how it FEELS when we are intimate, even just holding me, well, I can get that same feeling of love when you SAY something to me. And that is wonderful that you can provide that for me even at work, etc. I said, I have told you so many times that I appreciate your acts of service, and also your time that you spend when you come over, but I dont think I”ve REALLY ever told you how much it means to me when you give me words of affirmation. I told him, that I wanted this to come across not as needy, but rather, as the fact that I appreciate it when he does it. And he doesnt need to understand it – just know that he can provide that for me – even though I know its outside his comfort zone.

    At first I thought he was bracing himself by his posture, etc. He thought at first that I was being a bit needy, etc. But then he really saw what I was saying.

    He said – no, I totally see what you are saying even though I dont really understand it because that isnt my love language at ALL. So we talked a bit more, and he told me that when we go to the gym and work out he always says something when he walks by me under his breath but I cant hear beacuse I have headphones on the treadmill, etc. And I asked what it was – and it was so hot. It was just stuff like, that he thinks I”m hot, or whatever. I said…..ok, wow…..thats AWESOME, but I want to HEAR that LOL….thats the POINT. LOL.

    So anyway – I told him again thank you for making talking to him so easy.

    At the end of it, he said that he would maybe come over tonight if he could – sweet.

    He told me that he does love me and then really sweetly he said – you know I like spending time with you – and I just cracked up – and I was like….I know. 🙂

    So now I feel like I leaned a bit forward with all that. It doesnt feel good now, even though really its all fine and he is coming over and obviously he isnt upset etc. But he is TOTALLY not used to someone being as emotional or maybe as needy as me, so I need to dial it back.

    Anyway – nothing is wrong, but wow I realize how much I dont like this feeling of feeling needy and NEEDING those words of affirmation.

    I need to truly work on that.

    Thoughts? 🙂



  42.  #42Sassy on May 2, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    prplpsn28

    How about telling us what you love about yourself? I guarantee that list will be longer and feel much better.

    I love curly hair! How many little girls on the playground do you see with make-up? And how many with curly hair? And they are each and every one beautiful and adorable in their own way.

    Can we not appreciate that childish innocence, fun, playfulness, giggling, delightful happiness and feel it in ourselves?



  43.  #43Turquoise on May 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    All good reminders. I try to be complimentary when I’m out. Men, women, the waitress, etc. I struggle more with feeling jealous or envious on facebook. The vacation pictures, couple pictures, comments about oh my sweetie is so wonderful and sent me flowers… sometimes make me feel really blah. But then I look at all the good I have, remember how lucky I am to have it… and be grateful. Plus, things aren’t always as great as they look. Which is a wonderful reason to be complimentary and amp not just ourselves, but others up as well. It is so gorgeous here. I can’t wait to leave work!



  44.  #44Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    OK Rori – I love you. But I 100% disagree.

    I had a pair of jeans in my closet from 10 years ago.

    I finally last year decided enough was enough.

    I went from a size 18 to a size 6. (Almost a 4 thank you very much!!!!)

    Now, for ME, I should have said I”m ok no matter what I’m at – and that is true – you should love yourself no matter what. But wow, I have to tell you that I FEEL so much healthier – and I can run up stairs, and not be out of breath. I eat healthier, and work out every day. I NEVER was that girl. EVER EVER EVER. NEVER. And now I am. It just took finally saying enough is enough and just doing it.

    I’m very proud of myself because no one did it for me.

    Except I will say that GS was the best support I ever had. He was with me from the start, and when we first started together I was at my highest weight so I know he isnt in it for that – but WOW I feel so much better.

    So if it is a goal of yours to get healthier/lose weight/ then I say pull the jeans out and put them on the wall in front of your treadmill and run on it until you reach them. :))))))

    Its something you can be doing FOR YOURSELF and a way to circular date yourself by getting yourself healthy.

    Anyway – my two cents on it. 🙂



  45.  #45Sassy on May 2, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Mercedes

    Point taken! I just wish society (myself included she admits sheepishly) didn’t place such importance on looks and youth.



  46.  #46Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    @Mercedes – Im sorry but you are crazy LOL. Your picture is adorable – ADORABLE. 🙂 I dont know what you are seeing in the mirror but either your mirror is faulty or you need glasses sweetie!!!!!!!!!

    But I know what you mean. Wow, I need a tummy tuck, microdermabrasion, a little face lift, some lipo…..the list goes on and on…. LOL.



  47.  #47Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Ladies! 🙂 You make me smile! Sassy: I wish we didn’t do that either…we do though and I believe we always have. I also think a healthy dose of it can be a really good thing! It’s when we obsess about it that things can get out of hand.

    Elsie! Haha! I appreciate you! (but I think I do need the glasses…age you now…lol). Little things, little changes tend to throw me sometimes. As I said to Dominique, some are real changes that can actually be measured (not my imagination at all), some are actually nothing and I’ve created them and others are most likely a direct result of being cheated on (that’s a sure fire way to feel not good enough…it’s quite the blow to the old self esteem). Regardless, where I am lucky is that I know how to breathe through those moments, I know how to meditate and visualize, I have myself for positive affirmations and I have J telling me about 3 or maybe 4 times per day that I’m pretty or beautiful or hot or something like that.

    It doesn’t stick around for long but…yeah…if I could turn back the time on my looks, would I? Of course I would. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  48.  #48Tereana on May 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Whoa!!!

    I loved this article. And in fact, I had to stop reading it before I got to the end, because this was so amazing:

    “You can either invest in your insecurity or your sexy.” [Your choice.]

    BAM! Nail on the head: hit. Dead on. That was so good.

    I love this, too – “investing in the idea that you are “less than” is a slippery slope. The key to being desirable is to allow yourself to have the feelings of insecurity but not indulge in them!”

    The idea of “investing” in these things is like a subtle but huge paradigm/perspective shift, for me. Because I had never really thought of myself as “investing” in them one way or the other. But it really is like that. We “invest” our mental time/space/energy on these ideas. And being conscious of where we put that can totally shift everything! Awesome!



  49.  #49Indigo on May 2, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    k2012 #33

    I like your post! I agree, some women will never pay the compliment back and that’s ok, I usually ease up on the complimenting of them. Not because I begrudge them their beauty but just because it feels like the energy only goes one way.

    That’s ok. The women I have as friends are ones who can be as happy for me as I am for them. Women like that are a treasure!



  50.  #50Indigo on May 2, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Purple 36

    I echo what Lisa is saying. What makes a difference is how you feel about yourself inside, and that is all about confidence. The better you feel, the more you will be able to experiment with here and there going without make up. People who love you won’t think any less of you, although it’s nice to feel good about yourself.

    I also have a long tumble of naturally curly hair! It used to drive me crazy, but I have learnt to truly love it – I think of myself as one of those wild Celtic princesses 🙂 Best advice I can possibly give you is to get a GOOD CUT – it makes all the difference to curly hair and the way it falls. Also, invest in a GHD or similar – they are amazing – for those days when you feel like going straight 🙂



  51.  #51Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Curly hair here too – and a LOT of it. LOL. I also have learned to love it – I have had it straightened before with a flat iron (took almost 2 hours from the salon) and it doesnt even LOOK like me. I’m wild and crazy. Just like my hair. 🙂



  52.  #52prplpsn28 on May 2, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Lisa, Indigo – Thank you

    Am loving having this blog to go to.



  53.  #53Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    My phone is not updating the blog entries. Frustrated.



  54.  #54Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    41 turquoise
    I hear what you are saying about Facebook.
    It’s bugging me lately and I need to take a break from it.
    It even ruined a friendship recently due to a post by someone else … So dumb.

    I also feel triggered by vaca pics, kid pics, and other forms of my perfect life pics. Lol



  55.  #55Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Why do I feel so antsy and upset? Please read my earlier post and I would love your ladies thoughts? It seems like everything was ok when he left, but I feel like I leaned in and it felt needy and now I”m stuck with that feeling and I dont like it. ick.



  56.  #56Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    I have a hard time distinguishing between leaning in and then just saying what I want. I told him that he could provide a lot for me through words of affirmation love language.

    And then after we hugged and stuff, I guess I officially “leaned in” more and just joked about not seeing him for almost 2 weeks, and we laughed and then he smiled and said that maybe he can make it tonight, he isnt sure, but he will text me around 8.

    I dont know – I’m not liking my feeling, even though he made it seem like everything was ok in the end? Ugh.



  57.  #57Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Elsie: Stay calm and trust that he will tell you if he’s upset. I would encourage you to spend less time talking about relationships and love and all that for a while though. Guys aren’t like us. We can take surveys we find in cheesy magazines on whether or not we’re actually in love all day long and really enjoy ourselves. Guys tend to fill up on this stuff MUCH more quickly. You’ve said what you had to say about your love languages and what you need. Now I would encourage you to completely let it go and let him be himself.

    Also, note the eye roll and laugh when you said “can we talk?” It kind of makes me think he knew it would be something deep and relationship related when you asked that question. Be careful of becoming too predictable and him always knowing that when you want to talk, it’s about how he can do better in the love department.

    Just relax and enjoy this man. Most of what you’re saying to him and asking him to do is, in my opinion, self work for YOU, not stuff for him to change. But the more you ask him to change by telling him how much you want or need it, the harder it will be for him to keep track of it all.

    Give him a break to be who he is for a while and as Dominique says, see if you can love and appreciate that…exactly the way it is…without any expectations or wishes that it would be different.

    And don’t stress the leaning in thing. He probably doesn’t even know what that means and doing it once is certainly not going to kill your relationship.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  58.  #58Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    OK Mercedes – Thank you for talking me off the ledge. 🙂 LOL.

    I’m sure if things weren’t fine he wouldn’t have agreed to coming over tonight if he can make it.

    We talked today about how we both handle finances, and how that would be in a larger family etc. Of course, we never directly said – when we are a family together. Man, I wish he would have said that. 🙂 LOL

    I dont know why I’m feeling so needy/clingy today.

    I hope I just get to see him tonight. Everything seems to lift when I see him and spend time alone with him. I feel that recharge that I need.

    Of course, I need to be able to do that for myself, but you know – baby steps.

    You are right though Mercedes, everything you said – I need to print it out and read it over and over again.

    Ugh. I just wish I could shake this “icky” feeling I have.



  59.  #59Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Elsie: “just joked about not seeing him for almost 2 weeks” – do you see where this is also kind of telling him what to do (and reminding him that quality time is one of your three major love languages)? You may have tried joking about it but if it’s true that you haven’t seen him in that long, then he knows it and hinting that you want to see him again is equivalent to telling him what to do.

    Wouldn’t you rather find out when HE wants to see you? Aren’t you curious if he’ll ever give you words of affirmation without you asking for it? Don’t you want to know if he’ll do things for you without you hinting about it? It’s like the buying flowers we were talking about before. If you keep asking for them and hinting about them then it’ll become a chore and not from his heart. Is that what you want for the rest of this stuff too or can you just receive the love he is giving?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  60.  #60Mercedes on May 2, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Elsie: Who were you and what were you doing when he fell in love with you? He’d probably like to see that girl again. I seriously doubt you were talking to him about love and relationships (you were most likely saving that for girlfriends and blogs)…I encourage you to focus on what you were focused on when he first felt those feelings for you. Be that person again. He’ll LOVE it! 🙂 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  61.  #61luzydel on May 2, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Looking at the phone constantly is something I do and gradually stopping. They will either contact or not and my life shouldn’t depend on it.

    I booked my vacation with my son yay! Not feeling guilty at all for indulging in a well deserved break! Looking forward to plenty of happy moments in my life 🙂



  62.  #62Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Mercedes – You are right.

    I guess my feelings were hurt when he said his love language was alone time. He laughed and said that. He needs a LOT of alone time to recharge, its just who he is and who he has always been. But when he said that he meant it as a joke, but it hurt my feelings. It made me feel like he only needs me for intimate stuff, but doesnt need me for quality time etc. My feelings were just hurt really badly when he said that.

    Of course, right before he left, he hugged me and whipsered, you know I love spending time with you.

    But, it just still didnt feel good to hear that. Especially when I love to hear words of affirmation – that was just the opposite. Ugh.

    It makes me wonder if he is the guy for me?



  63.  #63Tereana on May 2, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    So, I’ve really been learning a lot from my recent and past interactions with CCB. I’m learning that I can really trust myself pretty well, and that I’m not “crazy” for thinking or feeling whatever it is I think or feel (“duh” right? Well, not so Duh. I doubt myself a lot).

    The thing is, that I’ve been noticing all along that he’s not really the “step-up” kind of guy. But I’ve been enjoying his attention anyway – even if it hasn’t always been the kind of attention that I want.

    Now, it could be that I am ignoring some of the good stuff he’s said to me, but I hope that’s not true. I heard him. I just always have the feeling that whenever he tells me something nice, it is manipulative, in that it is designed to give me a specific type of “good” feeling that will allow me to relax and open up to him – so that he can get what he wants. Not so that he can give to me what I want. And you may think that I’m crazy, too, but I think not. Because he said a few key things in our last conversation that really stuck out to me.

    Number one, well, as per usual, he was still trying to nudge me to get me to take my clothes off. It doesn’t matter how much I say I don’t want to, he still tries. So he’s a guy, okay. I still don’t have to do what he says. That was a general thing.

    Number two, he was talking about kissing me on my body, and I said that no one had ever kissed or licked me there before. He said it was “yummy.” And I asked, “Yummy for him, or yummy for me?” He said yummy for him. (hmmmm….) yeah, that was the one. If he’s just out to get his pleasure, then he is not out there to GIVE me pleasure. He just wants to receive, and he wants me to give. The same way he keeps saying that he wants to meet me, but he still expects me to come to his city. Even though he has more than enough resources to come to me. And when I told him that I might be traveling to his general area, and he said it was a 6-hour drive from him, and I would only be there for three days, he STILL expected me to make the trip and jump on his lap.

    I don’t think so, and the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get.

    Which is all to say that I do NOT feel bad about the fact that he has not been in touch with me lately. In fact, I feel pretty relieved. Because it means that I don’t have to continually put up with his pestering and his trying to get me to do stuff that I don’t want.

    And I noticed something about me, too. That at the same time that I got all these messages and basically flashing neon signs that he is not really a cool guy, and in no way stepping up to please me or serve me or do anything that I would find pleasurable, I was still a) taking the crumbs he was throwing at me, and b) in the next moment, turning around and giving to HIM. I texted him, I emailed him, I sent him a picture. All while knowing full well that it was basically leaning forward. But I wanted to. I was enjoying who I was and expressing myself. And he didn’t respond.

    But I DON’T feel bad, because of all the things I’ve listed above. He is just not worth the time or the energy to really get upset about it.

    I just noticed that his lack of attention drew me to give him some more attention, even though it wasn’t necessary. And his lack of attention was all the information that I really (ever) needed.

    But the realization after that is much better. Because his attention of lack of it has had actually not bearing at all on how sexy or attractive I feel. In fact, today I feel even MORE sexy and attractive than yesterday. And even though those feelings fluctuate his “approval” doesn’t count. He already knows that I am sexy. I don’t need to “prove” it to him. I can enjoy it for myself though. Because I am sexy whether he is in the room or not. If he wanted to be in the room with me, he would be. I’m just not even sure that I would enjoy it. So…I think I’ll hold out for someone better who is really going to appreciate me for all of who I am!!

    He was good practice anyway…



  64.  #64Dominique on May 2, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Purple – 36 – Just plunge in, take a deep breath first, and try it. Truly men DO NOT care about the makeup; in fact most prefer you without. Often they won’t even notice you don’t have it on.

    I SO understand how you feel, and it will get easier the more you see how he is when you show up sans maquillage.

    xxoo



  65.  #65Dominique on May 2, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Elsie – 39 – You already know. 🙂

    xxoo



  66.  #66Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    @ Elsie

    I can’t find your earlier post?

    But I can say that being vulnerable and open and taking chances… can leave me feeling ikky.. and unsure/anxious. It’s the unknown… and then the need to rationalize it mentally and try and figure out what I did wrong.. to comfort us or find an answer.. I’m speaking of myself and what my mind does.. the unknown is so scary that I have to re-think everything.

    breathing helps me… and to focus on nature or something soothing… and allow him to make the next move…

    {{{Hugs}}}}



  67.  #67Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    I am feeling puzzled 2 men are talking to me via text but never ask me out… Why bother staying in goin with me? Strange. But they hint at things… Like they want me to ask them…



  68.  #68Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    But of course I won’t !!!



  69.  #69Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    I don’t know it’s puzzling!!



  70.  #70Emerson on May 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Sometimes i still feel the sting of rejection from recycledCD…. 🙁

    I wonder about too many things.
    I feel sad and piney when I think about it. But sometimes I just feel so lonely. Not for him but just in general. I feel pathetic saying that I know I’m supposed to be a strong siren….



  71.  #71Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    wow… just had a confrontational convo with “M” about a party with my friends… it wasn’t a bad convo… but clearly we are at an impass. Some of the people at the party will be doing weed. I don’t and “M” doesn’t but now he has decided he won’t go to the party…

    He won’t discuss it in person… I’m ok with his need to do what he feels is ethical.. But the fact that our talks ( except when I bring them up in bed) are always on his time and his terms… even though I’ve expressed to him, in person convo’s are best when on important matters.

    He said he isn’t available tonight to talk about it.. I know for a fact he is… I told him I’m not discussing this topic in front of or within any ear shot of my daughter… so…. it’s a battle of his way or mine… Frankly I’m tired of it being on his terms… and I feel I’m the one bending over and being patient… Though we had a great convo the other night… still he is “having to have things his way” though he respects my need to go to my friends party… He said you can come to my house afterwards.. the 1st weekend spending the night… I told him I guess I’d had expectations that the weekend would be special…. but just seems as though there is always something in the way of this milestone…

    I was caught off guard and I don’t think I was using my feeling words… so much… didn’t have time to really contemplate…

    He is a meditation teacher and has a center of spiritual awareness and says doing what I do I don’t think being at a party with illegal drugs being done is a good move for me…

    Shew! I seem to keep having bumps here with this man… lately one after the other… not feeling sure I want to continue… is that crazy? Am I jumping the gun here?

    Thoughts?



  72.  #72Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    @Tereana – I’m so glad you are realizing this for yourself – good job!!!!

    @Dominique – I know I know…..

    @Lisa – Yes, I was vulnerable – I think that is a good insight. I was vulnerable and it made me feel uneasy and scared. That hit the nail on the head – thank you thank you.

    @LIsa – I”m not sure I understand. He doesnt want to go because of illegal drugs. He doesnt want you to go for the same reason. It sounds as if the conversation is sort of over. He has said what he wants. Now its up to you to decide whether or not to cross those boundaries. If you want to be with him it sounds as if you may have to make some decisions……its clear he isnt comfortable with it, etc.

    Just my thoughts



  73.  #73Dominique on May 2, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Only you can answer this question Lisa. Though I would suggest not making any hasty decisions.

    xxoo



  74.  #74Sassy on May 2, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Elsie,

    Is your man an introvert? If so, his alone time is crucial. I am very very introverted and I cannot function if I don’t have my alone time. Please honor that for him, even if its not a case of introversion. He will come to resent that clingy ness/neediness.
    The other thing I feel worried about for you involves the Law of Attraction. Every time you bring up something that your man does not do what you need to be satisfied, you are actually bringing more of that to you. What you think about, you bring about. When you express your fears about his leaving, it has the potential to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    I love how you pick up and resonate with Dominique and Mercedes’ advice to you, I’m just afraid he will start to feel he’ll never be good enough to keep you happy.



  75.  #75k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    47: thanks Indigo. “I usually ease up on the complimenting of them. Not because I begrudge them their beauty but just because it feels like the energy only goes one way.” U can say that again indigo. U are so right cause let’s face it. U spend the energy and out of feeling real good to see how your friend or coworker or acquaintance looks, to express genuine feeloing about how the person looks. U are really pleased to see how well the person look so its like u are compelled to say something complimentary. But to be honest, if u are sending energy to someone on how they look and when u look good, they never say anything to u, come on, u are human. U are going to tone down to tell u the truth cause the energy is going one way. Its true. “I’ve expressed to him, in person convo’s are best when on important matters.” Lisa- 69. True true. So true. Important issues should not be discussed using text messages, email, instant messages. Important issues should be done in person and depending on how serious the issue is it can be done over the phone, depending on what it is. For eg. A breakup over the phone! Nah. That’s for in person. Breakup by text is even worse. Anyway back to the point. So okay,” a center of spiritual awareness and says doing what I do I don’t think being at a party with illegal drugs being done is a good move for me”… I know u can’t state his position on here cause this is a public board and I am going to assume something here but u don’t have to confirm whether or not; he seems to be a minister cause I notice u said something about spiritual awareness. I suppose Lisa u have to respect his decision and the moral stance he has taken not to go to the party. I agree with you not to discuss the issue in front of your daughter. You are perfectly right. Something as important as going to a party with illegal drugs. U don’t want your daughter to hear that at all. U say things are always on his terms? Oh dear. Discuss it gently with him. But its up to u if u want to go. Its your decision. U know what I mean. I suppose he is looking at things at a moral point of view based on what he said. Be very careful though Lisa cause u don’t want to get into any trouble with the law at all so discuss the matter with him and see what he says.



  76.  #76Luzydel on May 2, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    I wonder how would it feel to be totally in tune with men… Like them when they like me, and when they are gone I am gone as well. Invest only to their presence and then when they are no longer around, stop investing energy, just drop it without any exhausting feeling… That would feel wonderful!



  77.  #77k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Sassy-72.”When you express your fears about his leaving, it has the potential to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.” Yes Sassy and Elsie, this is SO TRUE. In other words, the very thing u fear is what happens. One of my sisters say the same thing. My mum has the fear of a particular illness which she has. She can’t even call the name out of fear. We encourage her to have faith in God and have no fear, cause if whatever she is terrified of so much will happen if she has no faith.



  78.  #78Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    @ Dominique and Elsie

    Oh it isn’t the drug issue. It’s that he has to have his way all the time. It’s that he tells me these things last minute on the way to the center ( happened before) on the phone. It doesn’t feel fair. It feels as if he is avoiding directly talking about things and doing it on the phone. Even when I used my feelings words 2 weeks ago about talking about important matter over the phone he said I’d like to talk about it in person, but then he calls me.

    So, it’s a matter of not feeling respected, heard and valued enough for him to make time to talk about important matters in person. Even when it is non important convo’s he only wants to talk about them if he feels like it… he’ll say.. I’d don’t feel like having an in depth convo now. Or that sounds too much for me to talk about now. j

    I can totally respect he doesn’t want to be around drugs… what I can’t respect is that there seems to be a one-way street.

    I don’t know what feeling words to use.

    <3



  79.  #79Lisa on May 2, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    @Luzydel

    You know I’m working on that part . I’m getting there. I use The Work to also help me along with Rori’s tools…

    Byron Katie has much to say on the subject of arguing with reality. How if “we” love someone ( really love them as apposed to ego love) then we want what they want.

    I think that feels like bliss to me what you said… Let me know when you get there..

    <3



  80.  #80Tereana on May 2, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    I felt really good after reading the rest of the article.

    But I must say that I’m feeling kind of confused about myself lately. It used to be that I thought the best of other people, and myself. Now I think the worst of myself, and I expect the worst from others and I treat them mistrustfully. I just watched myself do this, and it was awful. It didn’t feel like ‘me,’ but all I could do was watch and feel terrible.

    I hope I can get some help with this from a shrink.

    And the other thing, too, is that I always notice that people go away whenever I mention a negative emotion. I know that Rori teaches, and we all say how these feelings can be juicy. But it seems that whenever I talk about being sad or angry or upset, people step away and leave my life. I feel abandoned and helpless. It is as if no one likes me unless I am smiling and happy. So I have to be smiling and happy ALL THE TIME. Which I know is crap. But that’s my experience.

    Case in point: CCB. I know there were a lot of other issues, and he wasn’t ‘the guy for me,’ but still, it hasn’t escaped my notice that he stopped talking to me, or responding to me cold turkey immediately after a conversation in which I chose to talk about things (not him) that made me sad. And THAT makes me sad. And confused.

    But oh well.

    I’m going to keep going on and loving myself, because that’s what there is to do…



  81.  #81angela on May 2, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Tereana I am in the same place as you. Your post made me feel human and normal. I can see that as painful as my experience is I am not alone and it helps.



  82.  #82angela on May 2, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Tereana I am in the same place as you. Your post made me feel human and normal. I can see that as painful as my experience is I am not alone and it helps.



  83.  #83sha-sha on May 2, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    I so agree with this thread! I think its awesome to give other women compliments 🙂 I think its feels so good and picking out the hotties for my man hehehehee he always says I pick out the best ones



  84.  #84Olivia on May 2, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    @Lisa: I’m going to go out on a limb here…The comment about “M”, a meditation teacher not wanting to go to your party b/c people will be smoking weed there triggers me. I have a meditation-y background, and have had “ick” feeling experiences with people who had a persona of being so balanced, so at peace, so “zen” when in fact they were quite judgmental of others and preoccupied with being ‘pure’ in this way that actually made them LESS pure! Maybe this has absolutely nothing to do with your situation, but this came up for me.



  85.  #85angela on May 2, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    ha! how weird @Tereana -78. I had not noticed you had responded to one of my previews comments on another thread, until I responded here to you. Let’s keep hope and love alive in our lives. And that picture of love we want no matter how scary it might feel!



  86.  #86Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    OK – so please help me with how to react to something.

    So its been nearly two weeks that GS and I have had alone time together. He TRULY tried to come out on Monday and it just didnt happen.

    He told me today early in the day that he was exhausted, he went to bed early last night but got HORRIBLE sleep.

    So you all know the story about our conversation today where I felt icky afterwards even though he seemed everything was fine afterwards. He hugged me and kissed me and told me I was pretty (I love it when he says that….haha) Anyway – he said – hey I”m going to try to see if I can make it over tonight if I can……

    So I got a text an hour ago – it said “Hey…..I wont be going tonight…..sooooo tired.”

    I just wrote back “Ok….get some sleep :)”

    But I feel rejected.

    Completely rejected.

    I feel like this was the one chance in two weeks to see me. He knew that I wanted to see him, and it seemed like he wanted to see me. And I am totally craving alone time with him.

    I know that the four agreements book says that you are not supposed to take anything personally. I do know that he said early today before all of this was even on the table that he was really tired.

    But I guess I feel like I wish he would have at least said “I”m sorry” or something sweet. ESPECIALLY after I JUST explained to him that I really like words of affirmation.

    Sigh. I just feel a bit rejected. I miss being alone with him and that time together. I wish that he would have come over.

    As it stands now, the soonest he would be able to see me would be Sunday night or Monday night. That would make it a full two weeks even if it happens then….

    Ugh.



  87.  #87Elsie on May 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Great. Now I see he is posting on facebook. I guess he isnt THAT tired. Sigh.

    Of course, if he came over, he would stay up very very late and not go to sleep…..so I have no idea when he is actually going to go to bed.

    But I think being up and posting on facebook isnt what you do when you are SOOOO tired, right?

    I am just feeling rejected and fussy.



  88.  #88Zia on May 2, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Elise – I frequently will facebook lying in bed with the lights off just before I’m about to go to sleep, even when I’m super tired and have gone to bed early…



  89.  #89k2012 on May 2, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Elsie as I read this last post an idea came to me that I am going to suggest to u? Do u have other interests? Don’t get offended. I am just trying to help you, based on what I have learnt since coming to the blog. Do u have any friends, whether a few friends or many friends? Try and keep yourself busy so u don’t focus on him so much. I know you know this already but u are coming across as needy. I perfectly understand how disappointed u are in not seeing him in 2 weeks. Trust me, I would be disappointed too if I were in your shoes, but maybe you could pursue other interests, such as a hobby. What is that u love to do? When was the last time u hung out with your friends? I know it is hard to hang out with married friends or friends who live with their partner. Find activities to keep you busy so u don’t focus too much on him. I think he is picking up that you are needy. No disrespect intended. I hope this doesn’t drive him away. Think about what I said. I am not sure if I tell u to circular date it is the right advice for YOU. But even go out by yourself, if you are comfortable with it. I bet the minute u get busy, he will make the effort to see u more often.



  90.  #90Indigo on May 2, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Elsie 54 & 55,

    I would encourage you not to take his not coming over and his Facebooking personally, because it isn’t.

    However * If it were me, I would take this opportunity to be really vulnerable, that is how you connect with a man’s heart, even if it doesn’t feel good (feels a bit bad and scary).

    For me, I wouldn’t just leave it because I feel it would be inauthentic – pretending you are fine with it, when you are not. I would probably say something like,

    “You know, I was looking forward to you coming over and now this doesn’t feel good. I feel sympathy that you are tired, yet I feel disappointed.”

    If it were me, I would say that and then leave it at that – don’t get into a discussion about it, which he will find draining. Just leave it with him and go do something else good-feeling.

    That’s what I would do 🙂



  91.  #91Indigo on May 2, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    Emerson,

    Have you tried maybe saying from the get-go with guys that you prefer phone calls to texts? I have said this, and then I don’t get into text conversations with guys and I find it works extremely well 🙂

    I had a guy the other day who asked for number and then sent me a text and I said “I prefer phone calls”.

    I didn’t hear from him for a day so I thought, ok I probably scared him off. Then last night he phoned me!



  92.  #92Veronica on May 3, 2013 at 12:27 am

    Hello : )

    I haven’t been on for a while – computer issues.

    From the other other thread:
    K2012 – 225
    “But sometimes u think u are in a committed relationship when u are not. I thought I was and I also thought I was in an exclusive relationship. How can u know if u are in an exclusive relationship anyway? Cause if u ask them, some men who are not genuine will lie. So how do we know when we are in an exclusive relationship and a committed one? Thoughts please.”

    Wow thank you for asking. I appreciate it because those are interesting questions. I don’t have anywhere near the experience or wisdom to answer them. But I have been focusing on what I read a couple of days ago and am thinking of you and how to respond in some way to your questions. The following was written by a priest before he became pope. I thought I would let you know about the religious aspect of it since I’m not sure how you feel about people sharing religious texts without disclosing that they are that. I feel he has really been articulate about the kind of concern one should have when choosing someone i.e. commitment. So for me I keep my awareness on when a man starts expressing himself in a way that is like what he describes below. Even if he doesn’t choose me, I’ll still respect that he has considered the option with such responsibility. The quote below is just the basic summary and so there are other aspects of choosing that are not reflected in the quote below – just so you know. (I know I’ve talked about a man choosing me but at the same time I’m also going through a process of choosing him.) I hope this helps in some way. I would love to talk more about this if you’d like.

    Of Choice and Responsibility
    “It follows that one also has a responsibility for one’s own love: is it mature and complete enough to justify the enormous trust of another person, the hope that giving oneself will not mean losing one’s own ‘soul’, but on the contrary enlarging one’s existence – or will it all end in disillusionment?…The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is.”
    Karol Wojtyla Love and Responsibility, p.130 – 131; 1960; English trans. 1981



  93.  #93Zara on May 3, 2013 at 1:18 am

    Elsie

    Take the focus off him and trust your feelings. If I trust the feelings you have expressed so far, you are feeling unheard, disrespected, lonely, needy, anxious, disappointed, rejected, longing for intimacy, longing for a man sharing everyday chores, etc…

    Those are typically the feelings of a woman who is exclusive and committed to a man who has not committed to her other than in words and who does not date her very often.
    Or, to avoid a debate since this blog is not about debating but about trying a new perspective, a man who says he is committed to her and might even believe he is, yet who is not moving the relationship forward. A relationship moves forwards, always. When it stales, the one who wants more feels needy.

    I can spend more weeks trying to work him up, hoping to make him do things he is not inspired to do for me on his own, or I can accept what is, and switch to a perspective that feels better to a woman’s heart.

    I am free to try to see this from this blog point of view, just because I am open to the world and willing to experiment a new perspective.
    It is only a question of vocabulary. I may call it a relationship or a date. What really matters is that I feel needy most of the time.

    I am free to decide I can date other men during the hundreds of evenings and during the week ends he does not take care of me. I can keep him in the rotation so I don’t have to take a drastic decision that my heart would resent today like a stab.

    Circular dating will keep me busy with new thoughts and new feelings and surprises and will take the energy away from what he says or does not say so that when I see him at work, I won’t even think of “explaining” to him how to be a man with me. I”ll let him be what he is which can only inspire him to want real intimacy with me. If he is the one for me, that is.

    If he is not the one for me, I have nothing to lose, and I win because when I stop obsessing about teaching a man how to be a different man so that he can suit my needs, when I stop obsessing on the actions and words I want from him and are missing, I feel a lot better. When I feel better, I do better. The quality of life improves and so the quality of men stepping in my world.

    This blog is about having the relationship I want, not about winning one specific man.

    A man who does not visit a woman more than once every two weeks knows very well he is not entitled to have her for himself. As Rori puts it, it is man language. They just know it, but they keep trying to get away with the least effort because lots of women fall for it. Same women who complain about that feeling of not being quite honoured, they long for something better, they feel needy, yet they stay in this no man’s land. (Pun intended)

    Once I see that it is me who does not honour myself by becoming exclusive before I have everything I want in a relationship, I get my power back.
    Once I get my power back, I can see the truth without fear: the man I am targeting is not doing the job. I might have picked the wrong target. And may be turning a man into a target might be the problem. May be accepting to be the target myself is what works, even.

    And it is not a fatal issue, it is good news as it means I will have the feelings I want to have inside a relationship. I am not doomed , I am not condemned to feel unsatisfied with this one man. I can go out in the world and meet men until one of them cocreates with me the relationship I want. May it be this one man (inspired by my circular dating) or a new man.
    Because if I can imagine the relationship I want, then it exists. All it takes is putting myself out there within the shooting field of good men ( he might become one of them or not, the door is totally opened to surprises) and allow them to make me their targets.

    Men are supposed to focus on me, not the way around. And I don’t have to accept exclusivity with any of them, as sweet as they may be, until I feel totally satisfied with the way I feel. That means in the depth of my heart, I feel cherished and happy, with no longing, no wishing it was different, and no second guessing myself and no walking on egg shells.

    It is true I have to do my inner work and that is why I need men to do the work with. I have nothing to lose. I observe my own reactions and feelings. I learn the difference between healthy me and self abandoned me. But I also learn to recognise a good caring loving man with the quality of a good husband. I learn to live. Clinging onto one unique man who does not want more than a night every two weeks, does not not allow to much learning and does not inspire his heart to experience more with me.

    When the man is my target, I subconsciously try to manipulate him into “the relationship I want”, and thus I create subconscious resistance from him and neediness in me.

    xxx



  94.  #94Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 1:26 am

    Lisa I hope this doesn’t trigger you. The3 sense I got from your post was a kinda suggestion that you own him and have a sense of entitlement around his time. I would practice accepting no for an answer, especially if you are not married. Then again even if you are you don’t own him and as an individual, autonomous human being he gets to decide what he wants to do and be involved with. Inasmuch as you wanted him to go with you, so much investment into it feels heavy to me. His freedom of choice is important to him. He needs to know he is not locked in a cage.



  95.  #95Vi on May 3, 2013 at 1:27 am

    I still feel annoyed reading the article. I still feel unsafe to own my life and passions. Usually it was parents who made choices for me.. I feel angry at them for that. I feel really mad for they manipulated me.. hence my holding on to a man who wouldn’t even listen to me and running away from thouse who would. I feel guilty too. I love my guilt, I love my anger. I love my sadness. CDing makes wonders though and I feel closer to owning my life or at least I can feel when I am about to fall from my beautiful horse… it feels like fun to notice that too..



  96.  #96Vi on May 3, 2013 at 1:32 am

    I skipped my morning pages today and during the day I felt guilty and angry, like I’ve abandoned myself .. it feels sad. I love my sadness, I love my anger, I love my guilt.



  97.  #97Millie on May 3, 2013 at 1:55 am

    Zara–this is amazing! “I learn to live.” I love it! Such an inspirational and eloquent writer you are.

    I’m graduating college next week. I’ve spent four very intense years working hard at my goals, many weekends alone working, many sleepless nights..I’m SO looking forward to bringing fun, exercise, health, and social events back into my life. I’m SO looking forward to having the time and energy to date, to be out in the world, to be out in the world not looking haggard and worn out from the work. I feel fresh and hopeful. I can imagine the relationship I want and I’m excited. This feels like a new beginning and I’m so excited to be graduating and moving forward. Just wanted to share!



  98.  #98Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 2:09 am

    I so get this thread and what Rori is saying.

    Most of the time I find that stuff easy and appreciate other hot sexy women and do not feel threatened or insecure.

    The insecure moments for me have been in occasional specific situations.
    And I would have thought highly appropriate and normal reactions.
    For instance after having a baby, most of us feel insecure about how our body shape has changed and not having enough time to dress and do our hair make up like our old selves.
    A comment that still feels like a wrench to my heart today and is very vivid from 14 years ago. I was out with hubby and baby. I saw an ex work acquaintance. We were in the high end cosmetics industry so had to look the part for our jobs.
    My husband said “WOW, YOU CAN TELL SHE HASN”T GOT ANY CHILDREN AND COULDN”T TAKE HIS EYES OFF HER”

    Rori, I seriously wish I knew how not to be insecure and let a comment like that not bother a new mother who’s reality is her body shape has now changed and she is now reliant on her husband as she now has a child with him.
    It is very difficult not to want REASSURANCE that the MAN you have CHOSEN to have CHILDREN WITH will Stay with us and love us as we grow old and flabby together.
    Society SAYS AS WOMEN WE HAVE TO BE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL
    This is not an easy thing to get around.

    The message is, for men high status, power and money.
    women, youth and beauty.

    There have been only a handful on insecure moments in 30 years.
    I would love some HELP over this.

    My TRIGGERS as an adult around this have ALWAYS been when I have been the MAN involved I was BONDED too because we HAD SEX. And the biggest TRIGGERS because to me it is such a HUGE thing that I have had CHILDREN with this man.

    We are RELIANT, BONDED, on a man when we become his WIFE and MOTHER or his children and ATTACHED. There is no getting away from that.
    Apart from, do not sleep with and get YOURSELF back if he is treating us a way that feels so hurtful.
    I would love to hear your thoughts on this Rori.

    The biggest Knife to my heart was explicit mutual highly explicit flirting between my husband and a close female family member.
    I did not feel jealous. I feel SICK to my stomach wanting and feeling close to severing relationship with both of them. I was not interested in competing or wanting to get his affection love back. I KNOW They actually both WANTED to hurt me by doing this in front of me. And they succeeded.

    I don’t see how my relationship with either of them is truly repairable, even though they only flirted and it never went any further I feel at a crossroads as they are both still part of my family. However they did BOTH WANT to SEE me in DEEP EMOTIONAL DISTRESS. This is what HAUNTS me.

    I find this so difficult to UNDERSTAND. I have not ever wanted to do this to another person in that way.

    I admit I have on a couple of occasions wanted to slightly frighten a couple of bullies who were taumenting and hurting my children



  99.  #99Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 2:15 am

    cont after exhausting the appealing to their better natures and trying to resolve the conflict etc.

    Those are the only times I have ever remotely wanted to cause slight distress to another.

    To me I know that they wanted to cause me DEEP DISTRESS.

    Is it possible to ever have a loving healed relationship with family members who wanted this?

    Is there something wrong with me that part of me is even considering and wanting relationships with people who want to do this to others?

    I really would like some help with this.



  100.  #100Indigo on May 3, 2013 at 2:58 am

    Wow, Zara, I LOVED your post! You are very wise and have a lovely way of writing.



  101.  #101Indigo on May 3, 2013 at 3:04 am

    Syreena 96 & 97

    I don’t feel remotely qualified to give advice on this, but I do know that there is absolutely no use in appealing to their better natures. If it is true that they wanted to hurt you, doing this will give them the very power they were looking for.

    Accept that some other people are damaged and insecure – they are not like you, who would never dream of hurting someone in this way. Some people’s insecurity requires them to do things like this to the people they “love” just so they can feel the begging and the pleading and the coming towards of them of the person they love, because that is the only way they can feel AFFIRMED and loved. I think a lot of flirting with other people when someone is in a relationship boils down to this.

    Sending hugs to you. I hope you distance yourself from behaviour like this till it no longer hurts you.



  102.  #102Kath on May 3, 2013 at 3:16 am

    Yes, I have been guilty of being less than complimetary about some women my guy knows and it has turned him completely off me. He said I was being very unkind and it didn’t make him feel very nice. That said though he has made other comments which have triggered me to the point where I think my feelings of insecurity and the alarm bells I had ringing have been confirmed. He recently said to me that he was wary of me being in the same room as his female friend because he worried that HE might say something to her which I would find inappropriate!- Huh??!!- Alarm bell rang louder!- Then he said about planning a trip with his x-wife (a day trip to see the grandchildren) that he didn’t see what the problem was, it would have been a nice thing to do to!- Huhh??!!- Things like this have caused me to rethink what it is HE actually wants from a relationship, because right now it sounds very one-sided to me.

    I can freely give women compliments and have done so when I don;t feel threatened or when I feel that they have a hidden agenda that my guy can’t see.- I know that sounds wrong and I have used this the wrong way- but I do feel justified in my own feelings- perhaps I shouldn’t have shared them with a man though!



  103.  #103Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Ty Indigo.



  104.  #104ruth on May 3, 2013 at 3:39 am

    Zara
    wow



  105.  #105Sirenity on May 3, 2013 at 4:23 am

    Love that Zara:)



  106.  #106Turquoise on May 3, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Lisa, I’ve felt that way about men too…. And then I took a good look at myself and realized I was being the same way. I wanted it my way too… Relationships are always a compromise. If you want the first time you stay at his place to be special…. Is that more important than going to the party? Could you choose that? Choose him? Maybe that is what he wants. Sweetheart invited me to a party that I absolutely did not want to go to. I turned him down, but said if he wanted to go, I understood…. Have fun. I made other plans. Then, he decided not to go and made other plans. I was so mad that he hadn’t tried to make new plans with me…. But it wasn’t until we talked about it later, and I shared how I felt that as a couple, being together should be a priority…. He didn’t get it. He tried to make up for it, but I lost some respect for him over the whole thing.
    As far as not having important conversations over the phone, how often do you see him in person? If it really bothers you, could you say, like he does, that you don’t want to discuss it right now, yet have time to see him and work through it? I don’t usually get to see men I date enough in person to just discuss in person. I also have daughters, but after they go to bed, or I go to a different room…. And that can work too.
    We can all be stubborn. I feel the key with all of Rori’s material is learning to inspire them to treat us differently, to think about compromise and pleasing us too.

    Hang in there!



  107.  #107Turquoise on May 3, 2013 at 5:15 am

    Zara, I LOVE YOUR POST!!! Thank you!



  108.  #108Turquoise on May 3, 2013 at 5:20 am

    Today, I am going to amp up my sexy. Who is with me? Time to put a little more care into my looks today. That is a good place to start after being sick for 10 days! 🙂



  109.  #109Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Lisa – 76 – I’m feeling increasingly frustrated and unheard here. What can we do? Can you help me with this?

    And if he asks for explanation, watch that “you” is not used.

    eg. when…..arises, it seems as though my wishes are not considered or I don’t feel included when decisions are made.

    xxoo



  110.  #110k2012 on May 3, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Veronica – 90. I just saw your response. I copied and posted those same questions I asked,just did it awhile ago when I saw u reposted it and emailed it to myself. I hope Rori sees them and answer. I am also going to ask Jonathan Aslay when I write to him. I need to listen to a replay of he and his girlfriend Dr Sheri Myers on their discussion of finding the right relationship on the conference call last night hosted by Orna and Matthew. I keep saying how grateful I am for all these relationship coaches, Rori, and everyone who has shared and continues to share their experiences in love and their expertise as coaches. It is a tremendous help to all of us. The number of coaches I have subscribed to is about 9 and their newsletters fill up my inbox. Lol. I might not get to always read all of them but when I have nothing to do or my work load has drastically reduced starting today(hip hip), I will read them. Good morning ladies. Hope u have a great deal.



  111.  #111Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 5:48 am

    syreena – 96 – I feel SO sad your husband treated you in this way, in a way I view as beyond disrespectful. I cannot imagine this kind of behavior, yet I can.

    Repair this? I don’t know that I would want to. Would you? Really?

    You could express how awful this feels. How even more sensitive you feel beyond having just given birth to his child and feeling insecure. Your hormones being all over the place as well. And that you don’t want to feel this way with him. Can he help you with this?

    xxoo



  112.  #112Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 5:51 am

    syreena – There is nothing wrong with you wanting to continue relationships with people who seem hurtful, yet I would ask you why? You would knowingly be inflicting harm on yourself.

    I’m not necessarily asking you to sever all ties; I would encourage you though to keep people such these at arm’s length. For your own heart and spirit health.

    xxoo



  113.  #113k2012 on May 3, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Great day, not great deal.



  114.  #114prplpsn28 on May 3, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Well…H and I ended up doing our tuesday evening getting together last night instead. All his doing. We had a great time and great conversation. He actually brought up a couple of things that he would like for us to do together. And they sound great to me. I understand what everyone was saying about it feeling like things are being done on his terms. I’m trying to get past that and realize that the leaning back does work. He has been coming forward more. Maybe I’m just overthinking things and just need to go with the flow and enjoy? I do tend to do that (overthink) and in doing so I think I cause problems that weren’t even there to begin with. Thoughts?



  115.  #115Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 6:29 am

    @Femininewoman

    Oh I can and do take NO for an answer. It is not about the party but about it always being his way. Being dismissed and shut down or having to do things “when he is ready”. I’m noticing a huge pattern that is a big red flag. It never seems to be when I want or need anything. Even the sleepover this weekend… is “how it is good for him”. My needs and desires didn’t come into play. I sometimes have to say, where do my feelings come into play in this decision. Since my pattern in my past relationships have been me attracting “self absorbed” or Narcissistic men… I’m apparently still attracting it. I also notice a pattern of him cancelling things that I’m wanting to do… at the last minute and him telling me ” he changed his mind” doesn’t want to do it. Very passive/aggressive.

    Too much for me to explain here… I’ve talked to a therapist about it… I just have to really pay attention to this and watch and see what happens and be willing to walk away if it doesn’t feel healthy.



  116.  #116Mercedes on May 3, 2013 at 6:35 am

    Lisa: Sounds to me like you have a man who can (and does) speak his boundaries and stands by them. For him, there is no other discussion needed. J and I are both the same way. From my experience, these men love women who also speak and stand by their boundaries with little discussion around it. J and I have learned to respect each other’s boundaries and when he says no because it is something in his heart or morals or whatever, I respect that and wouldn’t even WANT him to do it. Same goes for me. If I have a real reason for my “no”, he respects that and we just move on from it.

    For my part, I wouldn’t go to the party either and there wouldn’t be a lot I would need to say beyond that. It would feel pointless to talk about it. We could talk all night long and I still won’t be around that stuff. For me, it is also partly due to my spiritual journey but also because I work a professional corporate job which participates in random drug testing. I would be horrified if I lost my job over something like that. So…I kind of get why he doesn’t want to discuss it. He feels strongly that it isn’t for him and so he’s not going and there isn’t much else to say. He’s being very firm and strong in this boundary and I would encourage you to respect that.

    I know it isn’t all about this party and this happens quite often but I wonder if, when you know it is a firm boundary and not just something he doesn’t want to do or talk about, you respect that and let it go…well…I wonder if that will help inspire him to listen to YOU more when it is something less important to him but more important to you.

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  117.  #117Mercedes on May 3, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Purple: Women are sooooo good at doing this: ” I do tend to do that (overthink) and in doing so I think I cause problems that weren’t even there to begin with.”

    I can’t even begin to put a number to all the stories I have made up in my head that had nothing to do with reality all because I was thinking too much…

    To curb that, I have been (for several years now) trying to exercise flipping my thoughts. Every time some negative story starts up in my mind, I imagine the complete opposite…something absolutely wonderful for ME…something that puts ME in an amazing place. It helps to keep me in a positive mood almost always.

    Granted, it doesn’t always work and I don’t always remember to do it and I still get down and sad but it has done wonders for my attitude (seriously…I have a positive one almost all the time) and it really has done wonders for my relationship as well. I no longer have all these fears inside that I constantly had to talk to J about (can’t even tell you how many times that man has seen me cry over something I made up…). After the cheating, it took a long time to get to a place where I didn’t practically panic when he would leave town or be late because of a work dinner or something like that. I was consumed by stories of what he “could” be doing.

    I practiced flipping those stories and imagining him miserable without me and edgy just wanting to get home to me and time crawling because he couldn’t see me. I made him miserable without me in my mind. lol. But, what that did was it helped to calm me down and it also…I don’t know…maybe manifested that in my life??? I know that every single time J goes out of town, he calls me and tells me how much he misses me and how he can’t wait for the trip to be over and how he just wants to go home. I don’t think he’s as miserable as I made him in my mind, but I do know that he communicates to me just how much he would rather be with me than where he is.

    Anyway…yeah…I get the making up stories and thinking too much. I was a pro at it. Maybe you can work with flipping your thoughts as well. I don’t know if that sounds like a tool you would use, but it sure did wonders for me.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  118.  #118Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 6:48 am

    @Turquoise

    I’ll sit with this that you posted. I’ll look at it deeper and do the work on it. Thanks! It is hard for me to always be on top of things and inspire… that feels so one sided. Like a parent child situation. I have to be able to not walk on eggshells. Otherwise I can’t continue in a relationship if that is what I have to do all the time. Keep the vibe up and inspire. that is toooo heavy a burden for me. That puts all the responsibility on me to inspire someone else.

    He chose a weekend for our first sleepover after the party had already been planned. It wasn’t the other way around. I had already RSVP’d to go. Plus he made plans with his friends the second night. So, it doesn’t really feel as if the first sleepover is that important to him to chose to do it on a weekend we both have plans already in place.

    What’s happening for me is the constant feeling of being dismissed… and not having my needs and feelings taking into account.

    I’ll look at it closer… but I have to say that after not sleeping much for over 3 wks b/c of this…anxiety. After telling him how I felt last night I slept soundly for the first time in almost a month. That speaks volumes to me. I’m sure I didn’t do it exactly right.. and yes he felt overwhelmed but if I’d kept it in any longer, I would have just ended up causing myself more illness and worse. So, I guess maybe I did what I needed to do for me… instead of worrying about keeping him inspired and the vibe up. I just can’t be the only one holding up the relationship… I’m having a hard time with the balance of the tools and keeping myself emotionally sane at the same time….. I’m really trying to work the tools… but I just can’t always do it exactly right…



  119.  #119Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 7:24 am

    @Mercedes

    I’ll take that to heart…. I too do not use the stuff and for years I’d not be around it…. but these friends are my dearest friends… and they do it discreetly in brownies… so no blaten outward use of it… and no one gets stoned.. I do totally respect his decision and I told him that is one of the things I love about him… and yes, you are correct. I could have just said Ok what’s next… but I kind of just wanted to know since he put in a specific manner that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with these people if that meant that he wouldn’t ever want to spend time with my friends b/c of it… but you are correct, I could have ask that question a few days later.

    I tend to listen to my gut and my gut was telling me there was more to it than that.. but your right! I could have said OK! honey what’s next for the weekend!

    I was thinking that since it has only been 4 mos that I’m trying to understand him and if I don’t ask questions and get to know more about how he feels, I can’t do that… If we were further down the road… I could know him better and then say OK! I respect that.

    the underlying issue is more along the lines of feeling as if my desires and feelings don’t matter. Which is really why I was upset. I’m looking at my trigger now… it’s my Dad he is a Narcissist… and “M” need to have his way most of the time and dismissing me when I want to talk about things.. is triggering that old trauma of my Dad… and I’m crying now that I’m writing this. So, I’ll need to go in and find where I’m not important.. see if I can change that…

    I just want to feel equally important in my relationship… I can’t stand feeling like I’m lesser than or lower priority…

    I know “M” loves me… and I know his father was like this —— he just doesn’t realize he is doing the same thing to me… his father did to his wives… I don’t know how to influence him to look at it… but ultimately I have to be the one that “Feels Important enough” to not put up with it… right? I know I need help with Rori’s work… but can’t… so.. work it the best I can…

    Thanks sooo very much! <3 {{{hugs}}}



  120.  #120Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Ty Dominique.

    That is what bothers me the why would I want to inflict harm on myself?

    What comes up when I examine that is something along the lines of that as a little girl I was punished for being bad or not good enough. So I deserve to be punished. 🙁

    Gosh I can remember asking my Mother now most nights if I had been good that day.

    Feel sad thinking about that.



  121.  #121Sirenity on May 3, 2013 at 7:37 am

    I expect Syrena that the flirtatious family members were probably enjoying the fun they were having flirting rather than thinking of third parties at all. Assuming it was all about you just adds unnecessary layers of potential drama . If in fact they were both play acting the flirtation in order to deliberately hurt you , then you are playing into their hands by choosing to continue with DEEP DISTRESS and capital letters when choosing to let it go may feel so much better.



  122.  #122Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Lisa – “when he is ready”.

    I have to admit in reading this the first thought that came to mind was “oooo so you want a puppet where you can just pull strings when you want and it moves to your rhythm”? Sorry if this is triggering.

    I also remember my son being triggered by me and me wondering if he feels disrespected by me shouting to tell him to hurry up and come out of the bathroom in the mornings so he is not late for school. Or insisting he answers my questions when I ask as soon as I ask. Looking at it through his eyes I felt that I did not matter or my needs did not matter because I had to do what my mom told me. As if there was no human person there.

    aaahhh what can I tell you? I have recently experienced another shift. I experience myself different and I find now I seek to understand. Last night I had an awesome date with an on again off again guy. It stopped myself from being harsh when he seemed to be trying to weasle out because we both got home late, he did not call ahead to confirm but I was committed to show that I respect people’s time. He was apologetic and kept saying it was not about that but that we have families. I pinned him down on giving me a time after he agreed. He called on his way and when he got there I waited for him to open the door. I told him how it felt good to see him after so long and we played around a little. I really practiced listening at level 2, not interrupting, not advising, answering questions with I feel, not taking things personal, complementing and just being feminine. When he asked what I wanted to do I said I just wanted to see him and that I would love to be surprised. As it was later than we had planned for dinner he just drove around a bit and got icecream. I shared how open he felt to me now and how like the guy I knew from 20 years ago. I got several hugs and he admitted he remembered the last time we saw each other. All I can say is that it seems the guard has dropped a bit. I don’t know if it is because of all the leaning back or if it is because he feels I understand him. All I know is that I wanted to feel acceptance of him in my heart and wanted to share that even if I have to let him fly free. I really admire and appreciate him and can only hope that he felt accepted. That was the most important thing to me, to be able to accept another human being with all his flaws.



  123.  #123Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 7:41 am

    109: Dominique says:

    “syreena – 96 – I feel SO sad your husband treated you in this way, in a way I view as beyond disrespectful. I cannot imagine this kind of behavior, yet I can.

    Repair this? I don’t know that I would want to. Would you? Really?

    You could express how awful this feels. How even more sensitive you feel beyond having just given birth to his child and feeling insecure. Your hormones being all over the place as well. And that you don’t want to feel this way with him. Can he help you with this?

    xxoo”

    Thank you. I did express all that apart from can you help me with this. At the time I wanted reassurance so did not express it like that and actually went into his space wanting affection and sex as reassurance. Where later on I expresses as you had said and no longer felt able to sleep with him. I felt so turned off on a deep level and wanted to get away from him.

    I feel torn, not wanting him now on a deep level. But part wanting to make it ok for the sake of marriage vows and children and commitments made and learning and forgiving. feels so hard like being pulled in two different directions.



  124.  #124Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Millie – congrats to you girl!!!!! high fives 🙂

    Tell the world BRING IT ON!!!!!!

    I feel so proud of you. Life supports you.



  125.  #125Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 7:59 am

    @femininewoman

    Thanks so much! No no triggers… b/c I know myself and I’m not demanding ( I’ve been told I’m the opposite- too tolerant)…( I’m a “you first” woman) and I don’t want a puppet. Lots of good input though. I think though that writing does leave a lot out of the expression of things and therefore it may be perceived that way by what I wrote.

    What is a trigger is constantly it feeling like my Father treated me… as if I didn’t exist. That my feelings and desires don’t matter and that I shouldn’t want. That the “man’s” desires and wants are more important ( that is what my mother taught me). No surprise that in comes “M” with the same story….

    And I was just told by my ex… that I need to take care of myself more and if “M” loves me he will stick around and if he can’t handle me be honest and real than maybe we have a fake relationship.

    That feels good to me.. b/c walking around trying so hard to say things the “right” way… feels awfully burdensome. It was driving me crazy….

    All I can do is be honest, loving and try my best. I guess if that doesn’t work with “M” than he isn’t the one for me.. trying to be the “perfect partner” is too much. Plus I notice I’m carrying the relationship around and Rori talks about dropping the ball… and allowing it to work or not. That feels good to me….

    Thanks again! <3



  126.  #126Elsie on May 3, 2013 at 7:59 am

    OK – so I know he was at least up until 11:00. I went to bed after that, I was upset.

    So this morning, right when I get in it seems I have a phone call from him and we chit chat like nothing is wrong, etc. And then about 30 min later, he came over and saw me at my work, so that was nice.

    But I just dont like the fact that he didnt come over last night. I still feel very very rejected.

    I *want* to ask him when he will be over next, but I know that is overfunctioning, and picking up the oars of the boat. Sigh. I just MISS him so much and want to be next to him alone.

    @Sassy – Yes he is a huge introvert, but two weeks is not usual for him. Usually we see each other at least one night a week. And I am so sorry but I do not believe in the law of attraction. Jesus and Nelson Mandela, as well as all the babies in Africa did not have bad things happen to them because they “attracted” it. I’m not trying to be rude, its just my take on things.

    @k2012 – Yes, I have tons of friends – I’m very extroverted, and do a lot on my own. That isnt really an issue for me LOL. I do think you are right though that I am coming across as needy.

    @Indigo – I feel conflicted. I feel like if I say over and over a bunch of stuff then that comes across as needy. I dont want to be needy. I think my level of needing reassurance is way too much. So, I think this time I’m going to back off and not be so clingy, I think – even though it doesnt feel good. Rori says not to ever ask why a man doesnt call – I guess that goes the same for him not coming over. He did let me know that he wasnt coming over and that he was tired. I just felt really rejected by that.

    @Zara – Thank you for your post. I think you are very right that this is a lot to do with my own self work that I need to do – Mercedes has said that to me too.

    I guess I”m just still feeling stung by a bit of rejection. There was a time that this guy would do anything to see me at any time. And now, I feel like, well, he was a bit tired, and hasnt seen me in two weeks alone – please. I just dont like it.



  127.  #127Elsie on May 3, 2013 at 8:00 am

    OK – so I know he was at least up until 11:00. I went to bed after that, I was upset.

    So this morning, right when I get in it seems I have a phone call from him and we chit chat like nothing is wrong, etc. And then about 30 min later, he came over and saw me at my work, so that was nice.

    But I just dont like the fact that he didnt come over last night. I still feel very very rejected.

    I *want* to ask him when he will be over next, but I know that is overfunctioning, and picking up the oars of the boat. Sigh. I just MISS him so much and want to be next to him alone.

    @Sassy – Yes he is a huge introvert, but two weeks is not usual for him. Usually we see each other at least one night a week. And I am so sorry but I do not believe in the law of attraction. The Son of G0D and Nelson Mandela, as well as all the babies in Africa did not have bad things happen to them because they “attracted” it. I’m not trying to be rude, its just my take on things.

    @k2012 – Yes, I have tons of friends – I’m very extroverted, and do a lot on my own. That isnt really an issue for me LOL. I do think you are right though that I am coming across as needy.

    @Indigo – I feel conflicted. I feel like if I say over and over a bunch of stuff then that comes across as needy. I dont want to be needy. I think my level of needing reassurance is way too much. So, I think this time I’m going to back off and not be so clingy, I think – even though it doesnt feel good. Rori says not to ever ask why a man doesnt call – I guess that goes the same for him not coming over. He did let me know that he wasnt coming over and that he was tired. I just felt really rejected by that.

    @Zara – Thank you for your post. I think you are very right that this is a lot to do with my own self work that I need to do – Mercedes has said that to me too.

    I guess I”m just still feeling stung by a bit of rejection. There was a time that this guy would do anything to see me at any time. And now, I feel like, well, he was a bit tired, and hasnt seen me in two weeks alone – please. I just dont like it.



  128.  #128Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 8:27 am

    “There was a time that this guy would do anything to see me at any time”.

    Men put their best foot forward in beginning to impress you and to make sure they win your heart. Believing that anyone will keep up this pace ALL THE TIME might be a little unrealistic. Life happens, people change, things change. Though nice it can become a mundane routine that no longer feels inspiring. People don’t like the feeling of obligation and if it gets that way they might unconsciously pull back.



  129.  #129Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 8:38 am

    @femininewoman

    Yes, I’ve noticed that… though it confuses me. If that is the person you fell in love with, and then it changes… it kind of feels like a huge deception. So where is the balance between them putting their best foot forward to win you and then after that they change.. I guess I’ve not been able to find that answer yet.

    I’ve had men hide things from me until they win me and then I find out after I’m “in love” that they aren’t who they portrayed themselves to be. I guess it’s all a gamble… of how drastic is the change from their behavior to win you and their behavior after…??? Not sure… but yes expecting them to keep up that pace might be too much, I guess depending on what the pace was…



  130.  #130Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 8:44 am

    As we see it, there are two kinds of lying:

    Lying to yourself

    and

    Lying to your partner

    You lie to yourself because you want to avoid looking at the truth of the situation and how potentially painful it will be. You fear what might or could happen if you were really honest with yourself.

    You lie to your partner or your partner lies to you because there is a fear that if the other person really knew the complete truth, it would cause even bigger problems than you’re going through right now.

    http://www.relationshiptrustturnaround.com/?inf_contact_key=af4bbec4853c942591eabbfc3ec1d314c7f4eb567dedb903b1006e47eb0c4880



  131.  #131Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 8:47 am

    “then after that they change”

    I don’t think they change, I just don’t see it that way. I believe they start showing their true selves. No one can keep up an act forever. That is the reason why leaning back works so well, because it helps us observe who he is without rowing the relationship or overfunctioning. It lets us see him if we don’t get caught up in chemistry and pushing for what we want.



  132.  #132Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 8:49 am

    119: Sirenity says:

    “I expect Syrena that the flirtatious family members were probably enjoying the fun they were having flirting rather than thinking of third parties at all. Assuming it was all about you just adds unnecessary layers of potential drama . If in fact they were both play acting the flirtation in order to deliberately hurt you , then you are playing into their hands by choosing to continue with DEEP DISTRESS and capital letters when choosing to let it go may feel so much better.”

    I understand why you suspect, assume and presume. As you were not there though you are taking an ‘educated guess based on life though your experiences and your lens. All of which have nothing to do with my reality.

    My reality and real experience was it was intentionally done to hurt me. They new which words to use and what buttons to press.

    I have NO CHOICE on what we feel in the moment. I feel what I feel And it feels pretty bad to be told that I am choosing how I feel.. We are only able to chose how we react and my reaction was not what they hoped for.

    Yes they caused me intentional emotional pain, but were shocked at my reaction and didn’t get the pay off adrenalin rush and addictive power trip they both desired as I did not attack them and light up like a Christmas tree.

    Thank you for the trigger here as that trigger has made me realize that I did something different that day by not giving them that adrenalin and power rush.



  133.  #133Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Lisa men look to win a challenge. An Epic woman. Anyone looking to win a prize throw all their energy into doing. At the end of the race one could understandably run out of breath. Then stop long enough to catch a second wind.



  134.  #134Mercedes on May 3, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Elsie: I don’t think he was rejecting you. “Sooooo tired” does not always mean the same as “Sooooo sleepy”. I’ve had many nights where I’m just tired. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. My body is tired and lazy and all I want is my couch, a glass of wine or cup of hot tea, a lit fire or some candles and either my laptop or a good book.

    I understand your feeling of disappointment at not seeing him but sometimes, a particular night is just not the right night.

    I’ll give you an example. I love J so much…like with all my heart and soul…and I know that we’ll talk on the phone every night when he is out of town. But some nights, I just don’t have the energy to talk long at all. I’m tired and want to shut off my mind. I’m not rejecting him when I end the call early. I’m just tired. Not necessarily sleepy…just tired.

    I don’t know if that’s what your man was going through last night but it could very well be that he didn’t have the energy to come over.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  135.  #135Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 8:53 am

    “2. It’s smart to be “dumb” in your relationship by not
    making assumptions about what your partner is thinking
    or his or her motivations.

    After being in a relationship for several years, most of us
    fall into the trap of thinking we know exactly what the
    other person is thinking and the motivation behind his
    or her actions.

    The truth is we can never know exactly what’s going on
    inside another person, no matter how many years we’ve
    been together.

    So it’s “smart” to be “dumb” when it comes to thinking
    you know the insides of your partner.

    The rule is to ask before you assume and don’t make up
    stories in your head that may or may not be true.

    When you begin to make up a story, get curious instead.

    Ask yourself–“I wonder why he (or she) said or did ________?”

    Then ask from a place of curiosity and being interested
    rather than “checking up” on him or her.

    You could say–“I noticed __________ and I’m wondering
    if you would satisfy my curiosity about it so I won’t make
    up assumptions that aren’t true.”

    Susie and Otto Collins



  136.  #136Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 8:56 am

    “3. It’s smart to be “dumb” in your relationship by speaking your truth and showing your authentic self.

    Some relationship advice we’ve heard says that it’s smart to hold back part of yourself and not share what’s on your mind.

    We can understand that in some cases, if you fear for your physical safety or the safety of your children, speaking your truth may not be smart.

    (If you can identify with this, start making plans and take action right now to create a life that is safe for you and your children.)

    But if physical safety isn’t your concern and you find that the two of you have gotten into the habit of not sharing what’s really important with each other (it’s easy to happen)…

    Think about how you can begin to start sharing a bit of what’s authentic and real for you.

    That’s the smart thing.

    If this is an issue in your relationship–that the two of you are good “house-mates” but intimacy is lacking–we suggest you start slow and small.

    Don’t start with “We have to talk…”

    That’s a death phrase to intimacy.

    Start by simply sharing something small that you haven’t shared with your partner before and then watch and see where there are openings between the two of you to get closer. ”

    Susie and Otto Collins



  137.  #137Elsie on May 3, 2013 at 8:59 am

    @Feminine Woman – Thank you for your response – it really resonanted with me.

    @Mercedes – I know you are right in my head. But in my heart I still feel rejected. Even though he called me right when I got in. Even though he has come over twice now to see me. Even though he touched my behind today as the first thing he did LOL.

    I *STILL* feel rejected. Ugh. I just need to realize that this is my issue. but wow, I really really want him to have come over last night. Especially now since I wont see him at night until Sunday at the earliest.

    *fussy city* LOL.



  138.  #138Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Susie and Otto’s Passionate Heart Quote of the Week
    —————————————————————-

    “I cannot always control what goes on outside.
    But I can always control what goes on inside.”

    Dr. Wayne Dyer, self-development author and
    speaker



  139.  #139Elsie on May 3, 2013 at 9:14 am

    @Feminine Woman – I think that may not be true. I think you need to work on controling the inside, but its just sometimes so hard if not impossible. I think its a skill that needs to be learned. I think thats important because for someone like me, where someone would say – oh just control your emotions – that is really really hard. So I dont think I would be able to say – I can “always” control what goes on inside. I can always work on trying to though!!!



  140.  #140Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 9:17 am

    “When you want something from someone…

    Don’t make statements. It sounds preachy
    and doesn’t get you what you want.

    Instead make clear requests and ask for what
    you want by using clear, specific and loving questions.”

    Susie and Otto Collins



  141.  #141Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Elsie hugs.

    Are you always available when he wants to see you?

    Are you cding?



  142.  #142seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Hi there sweet Elsie!! One of the things i tried was not using the word THINK. In writing in speaking. it was really hard for the first couple of weeks! Yikes! ican still feel the anxiety from getting in my feelings. Not thoughts. Heck! I”m still tripping over thoughts and feelings. It FEELS better, I feel an honoring of ME. See!! I feel light and smiling because I FELT my FEELINGS! It’s work but the most rewarding thing i have ever done for myself. How does Elsie feel?



  143.  #143seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Right now I feel like a Lab. Specifically, a two year old lab who is full grown but still in puppy stage……. woof! hahahahahhaaha!!!! The day is sunshine and hot!! Where’s my ball??? ……….tail wagging………



  144.  #144Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Just because someone says something is true it doesn’t mean it is true.
    Or that they mean what we think they mean re Susie and Otto Collins.

    “I cannot always control what goes on outside.
    But I can always control what goes on inside.”

    Dr. Wayne Dyer, self-development author and
    speaker

    What is Dr Dyer trying to say here?

    In what way does he think it is possible to always control what goes on inside?
    What does he mean by that statement. It is open to different interpretation.



  145.  #145seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Mercedes, I am still going around with the question in my head. I am using to address EVERYTHING!!!! Magic! I feel very grateful and Thank YOU!

    How would you feel if you didn’t feel the fear? What would I do differently? Absolute GOLD!



  146.  #146seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 9:38 am

    141 Syreena-

    Acceptance of my feelings. Nobody is to be blamed for what I feel. I feel protective now over what goes on inside me. My feelings are not wrong now right they ARE. They are me and I am beautiful and a GODDESS. I use my feelings to connect with myself. What feels right for me and loving and kind and in that is respect. As I treat myself this way I realize that I respect others feelings. I see the beauty in all. Sometimes the feelings are triggers from long long ago. I take my little girl inside me, and love her and take her hand and let her know that she’s fine and lovely and safe. And then I am also. No self abandonment anymore. I won’t leave her ever again. The feelings are so peaceful when I do this. I feel peace right now. And a smiling. Smiling is my favorite now. Wrinkles and all, I don’t care anymore, it feels so damn good!



  147.  #147Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 9:44 am

    @seahorse

    That sounds blissful! and lovely! <3 YAY!!!

    I felt that too when I spoke my truth… I slept better than I had in months… b/c I was true to myself…and working on doing it much sooner.

    I feel warm and fuzzy reading your post… congrats!

    blessings



  148.  #148Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 9:51 am

    @ Elsie

    I totally agree! I cannot control what goes on in the inside. That isn’t my in my control. I can’t control what goes on in outside either. The only thing that I can sometimes control is how I react and then what I do next with that. For instance I can go to inquiry and journal and look at it. Sometimes our thoughts get the best of us and we act on them. Trying to control our inside is hard hard work.. I tend to be more gentle and seek to understand rather than control.

    Byron Katie says our thoughts are not something we can control, only what we do with them. I agree. I don’t get up in the mornings saying “I’m going to think this thought”… the thought comes and some go and some stay and irritate me. My choice then is to look at the ones that irritate me.

    Love what you said!



  149.  #149seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I felt the fear of death from cancer. I just got back my biopsy report and I’m clear again!!!!! Feels so peaceful to make friends with the fear of dying. It’s in my face and I have to say…………….. really, make every moment count. Every person, animal, tree, a flowers sweet scent and ALL EVERY FEELING!!!!!! THANK YOU!!! I get to pass this way once and by damnnn I am so freaking thankful to be here for this awesome adventure! What would I do if I didn’t have this fear of death????? I only got one shot to make this life count, What will I do this day? this moment? For starters………. I will smile and thank you G0D for me being here! Saddle up ladies!!! Let’s Ride!!! I feel so giddy!!!! hehehehehe



  150.  #150Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 10:09 am

    “Byron Katie says our thoughts are not something we can control”

    I wonder what the Brainwave Entrainment and Self Programming people would say about this thought?



  151.  #151Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I’d like to get some outside perspective on this.

    I met two interesting and attractive men yesterday.

    One guy I met at Starbucks. It was funny because it was just after I was thinking to myself that I wasn’t going to date anyone that I wasn’t attracted to. I’ve tried to “convince” myself before about this and it never works.

    Anyway, before long a very cute man walked in! And he was single! So I made eye contact and smiled at him. (Not easy for me because i’m shy.) He got his drink and sat down at the table next to mine! We ended up talking for several hours and he got my phone number. My concern is that he’s a CHP officer and probably more on the conservative side. I’m kind of a hippie artist chick and my politics if very left leaning. I know this isn’t supposed to matter but I wonder if we could fundamentally be compatible?

    Anyone else have a similar experience with someone who is totally different from you politically? I do think political outlook can reflect values so I don’t think its something to be swept under the rug.

    The second guy I met yesterday was someone a friend set me up with. I was again surprised because I found him to be attractive right away. He was also very interesting. Wow, can you imagine two interesting attractive men in one day???

    Anyway, my concern with man2 was that he drank a lot and then he drove home. It was disappointing and I asked him if he was ok to drive. Of course he insisted he was. So is that a deal breaker?

    Would appreciate any input you have on man1 or man2!

    Thanks!



  152.  #152Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Politics is not something I believe should be discussed/debated when dating.

    “I wonder if we could fundamentally be compatible?”
    This I believe is how we create imaginary relationships and end up way ahead of men. Note to myself “if he is not in front of you he does not exist”



  153.  #153seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I forgot!!!!!

    ZARA!!! Thank you for your post it was awesome! again!

    Off to seize the day and maybe bite a few lovely man buns!!!! hahahahaahhaa!!!!! You only live once!!! hahaha!!! Have a delicious and FEELING day Sirens!



  154.  #154Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Happy for you seahorse and thanks for your very inspiring message!!!!

    I have been stuck in feeling sorry for myself mode so I needed that reminder!

    Thank you!



  155.  #155Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 10:18 am

    “was that he drank a lot and then he drove home”
    “So is that a deal breaker?”

    For me a red flag. I would ask myself what are my boundaries around drinking and driving and why would I be wondering about a man that I might have to rescue? Either from himself or from the law?

    Lauren Frances says that men give *lemon drops* from date one and certainly by date two if we are paying attention. It is up to pay attention to guys when they tell us or show us what is wrong with them.



  156.  #156Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 10:20 am

    @femininewoman

    I have no idea I haven’t heard of them……(very debatable subject for sure) thoughts are just something that come and go… and we can ignore them as we meditate on them and detach from them. At least this is what I’ve experienced and have read..

    anyways in the past 12+ years of it… I agree in my experience… it is true for me. this is why I inquire my thoughts.. not try to control them…

    One of the reason’s I love Rori’s work b/c it is so in sync with what I’ve worked with along those lines…. of Byron Katie..



  157.  #157Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 10:21 am

    @Femininewoman

    Love the post about lying….

    so true.. fear of

    “You lie to your partner or your partner lies to you because there is a fear that if the other person really knew the complete truth, it would cause even bigger problems than you’re going through right now.”

    I’m going to sit with this and see if I can find it…

    Thanks!
    <3



  158.  #158Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 10:23 am

    FW, I’m asking because I know myself, and I will easily write someone off and not give them a chance. I’ve done it many times before and I’m trying to be more open and accepting. I can feel myself starting to do that with this man a little bit already (writing him off) and I guess I want help in dealing with a situation like this…I’m just curious if other women here have had a similar experience and how they dealt with it.



  159.  #159Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Lauren Frances says that men give *lemon drops* from date one and certainly by date two if we are paying attention. It is up to pay attention to guys when they tell us or show us what is wrong with them.

    I like that!!! Very interesting!!!



  160.  #160Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 10:30 am

    @LiquidLight

    I too tend to write men off more easily than other women.

    I used to think that I was doing it out of fear, but in the end I’ve never regretted one single one so far. Though I can find that this time… I need to hold back from doing that… if things get too hard, and I notice toxic behavior. So much of Rori’s work has helped me with seeing how I attract it, and why.

    Since I am independent and know I don’t need a man, I can write them off easily… rather than put up with sub par treatment…

    The trick here is to see that the sub par treatment for me this time around with “M” is my opportunity to grow deeper and thereby possibly causing him to grow… so, I’m like you watching myself more and trying to balance the need to get rid of “toxic treatment” with a chance and opportunity for him to also grow… I hope that made sense.. I sometimes confuse myself when explaining.

    Not sure what your need to write them off for is based on… but I can certainly empathize.



  161.  #161Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 10:35 am

    @Lisa

    My concern is that he likely much more conservative than I politically. (I typically only date men that are liberal or at least more on the liberal side than the conservative side. I am very liberal.)

    He talked almost the whole time. I was interested in his stories and found them fascinating so that’s probably part of it. But I had another date the other night and the guy did the same thing. I think they do this to impress. I don’t really want this to be a pattern though in the unfolding of a potential relationship so am a bit concerned about it too.

    Have others have a similar experience?



  162.  #162Mel on May 3, 2013 at 10:37 am

    “I cannot always control what goes on outside.
    But I can always control what goes on inside.”

    I don’t think that the author is saying that we can control our thoughts. Thoughts come and go, it’s what we choose to do with those thoughts that allows us to stay in control of our “insides”

    There are lots of great resources out there regarding the practice of mindfulness that have helped me a lot.

    NOTICING everything that goes on inside and outside of ourselves. And rather than immediately reacting, just observing and noticing without making any judgements (positive or negative), feels really calming.



  163.  #163Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Btw, one of his stories nearly made me cry. I had tears welling up in my eyes and I didn’t try to stop it as I ordinarily would of. (Learning RR here 🙂 He definitely noticed and liked it I think. Then he proceeded to tell me another really awesome and incredibly touching story!!!



  164.  #164Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Rori

    “It would feel great to be with you. I feel awkward and excited even talking about this. And I don’t want… a boyfriend or a live-in relationship at this point in my life. I’m looking to be married and be a mother. So, until you’re sure you want marriage and fatherhood, it would feel better to just date and keep my options open.”



  165.  #165Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 10:49 am

    Rori

    “And when you’re out in front on the Relationship Timeline, you can’t help feeling bad – because he’s always BEHIND YOU!

    It feels like he’s “dragging his feet” or on-purpose not giving you what you want. When the truth is – he’s just doing exactly what he wants to do.

    And chasing him or getting behind him and trying to push him forward in the relationship – no matter how gently, subtly or carefully and sweetly we do it – will ONLY RESULT in pushing him further AWAY.”



  166.  #166Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 10:51 am

    “She’s feeling COMPELLED to TELL HIM what she feels – all the time – even when it doesn’t work well for her to do so. Even when it ends up making her feel bad.

    In a way, Lillian is keeping score. She figures if she tells him she loves him, then he’ll tell her he loves her. She’s, in a weird way, doing what we ALL do – giving to get. Every time she sends an email, it’s like an instruction to him to send her one back. And if he doesn’t, she feels upset.

    So, in looking at it this way, what is she to do?”



  167.  #167Mercedes on May 3, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Seahorse: I still have it running through my head too. Soooo many pages on the stream of consciousness writing exercise and I’m not sure I was done…just paused long enough for me to know the exercise was over. I can’t stop thinking about it though and also want to learn to apply it to decisions I make throughout the day/my life. I don’t know…it’s very interesting…

    Really, really happy you found it useful! Makes me glad I shared. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  168.  #168Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 11:02 am

    On the OTHER hand, a woman who is doing things
    like:

    – Looking interested and engaged in her
    surroundings

    – Making eye contact with other people

    – Smiling a lot

    – Talking animatedly with her friends or other
    people around her

    – Dancing

    – Looking relaxed and comfortable, whether
    she’s with others or by herself

    … is almost GUARANTEED to get approached by
    interested men.

    Now, I know that when you’ve been sitting by
    yourself for awhile, that all of your friends are
    off having a great time, and you’re actually not
    having a great time, it can be a real challenge to
    SEEM as though you’re enjoying yourself.

    This is when you need to remember this basic
    truth: YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

    And when you really internalize this truth, all
    those horrible feelings of frustration, neediness,
    confusion, anxiety, and “why haven’t I attracted
    anyone yet” will just DISAPPEAR.

    And what will be left?

    A calmer, more relaxed, more engaged, MORE
    ATTRACTIVE you.

    This is exactly what I mean when I talk about
    putting your best foot forward, and being the most
    attractive “you” that you can be. Simply smiling,
    having fun, and being relaxed is one of the
    easiest and most naturally attractive things you
    can do.

    Incidentally, this is one of the fundamental
    truths of attraction and seduction. Being a
    seductive woman is all about playing up your most
    attractive features in a way that reflects your
    best self, and attracts others to you.

    Your friend,

    Mirabelle Summers
    MeetYourSweet.com



  169.  #169Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 11:06 am

    @LiquidLight

    I agree I’m very liberal and I too can’t be with someone conservative… that’s a deal breaker for me…

    somewhere along the lines of the dating, I have to know what his stance is on politics…

    I’ve had the same experience… just about 99% of the 54 men I went out with talked about themselves most all the date… and I was interested in hearing them.. but I noticed they didn’t seem to interested in asking me questions. I came to the same conclusion.. they did it to impress or sell themselves… but I’m also curious as to why they do it..

    Interesting topic!



  170.  #170Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Sirenity.

    “If in fact they were both play acting the flirtation in order to deliberately hurt you , then you are playing into their hands by choosing to continue with DEEP DISTRESS and capital letters when choosing to let it go may feel so much better.”

    What I chose to let go of was trying to control what they did,
    I had/have no choice that my husband and female relative were making explicit sexual comments that also involved and belittled me.
    I had/have no choice that makes me feel upset,distressed, sickened and grossed out.
    They are free to chose to say ans do as they like and I told them as much.
    Also told then that if that was what they wanted to do and say that I would not be able to have the same sort of relationship with them any longer. As it was not tolerable to me.

    I no longer feel able to have physically intimacy with my husband and will not spend time with them both at the same time as I will not put myself through that pain again. They will not EVER get the chance to do that in front of me again.

    I still have them both partly in my life at the moment taking it as it goes and will not stay around if this is pulled on me again. I do not feel able to ever go back to how it was before where we all shared time together. I have no expectation or demands on them changing. If they want to stop doing this they will. I have no control over others thoughts or actions.



  171.  #171Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 11:13 am


  172.  #172Femininewoman on May 3, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Men talking a lot on dates.

    hhhmmm I wonder what am I doing to contribute to that situation? I wonder what am I doing to make myself invisible? I wonder what I can say to presence myself?



  173.  #173Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 11:36 am

    @ Femininewoman

    Good question… I haven’t found that answer yet. But I can just about guarantee it has to do with my current situation with “M”. What am I doing to contribute to me not being a priority or feelings not mattering.. hummm…

    I’ve been pondering that since this morning when you posted…

    maybe I’m the one that wants to be a Puppet…OOOO! ( I was taught that others feelings matter more than mine) ( I may have taught “M” this?) and what might that mean… ooch.. hit something here…

    I don’t have to risk rejection by speaking up, I don’t have to risk embarrassment, I don’t have to risk my wants being met… ooooo wouldn’t that be so scary since I was raised to think “I shouldn’t want”… ( ie Rori’s letter about punishment)…. awesome! loving this work…

    Yay! Wow! nice work… THANKS! for opening that up….

    I can’t thank you enough!

    <3

    suggestions?



  174.  #174Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Purple – 114 – I agree. You understand this, i.e. you ar gaining the awareness, the biggest and maybe the most difficult piece. Now you have something to work with. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  175.  #175Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Syreena – 120 – So now you know, and now you can bit by bit work to change this. Even if it means telling yourself purposefully that no, you DON’T want to feel bad. You want to feel good. So put some distance between you and what hurts. Accustom yourself to what doesn’t hurt, to what feel good. ALLOW it.

    xxoo



  176.  #176Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Syreena – 123 – I understand, yet if a marriage and commitments made are only being upheld by one, it will continue to cause you pain. And the children know; they feel it.

    There are some who may disagree with me, yet I do not see it as being useful or helpful or healing to stay together for the children. I think it may even be worse.

    I come from a split home (I was only four) and though of course I had things to deal with growing up, wounds and so on, I think these arose not so much from the divorce but from my parents not being able to do parent.

    I’m not telling you to stay or go. I want to offer you another perspective.

    Asking for a man’s help by the way is useful in many situations. Instead of asking what he thinks. Men love to help and fix things, so…

    xxoo



  177.  #177Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    seahorse – 142 – I ask you to be careful here. There is NOTHING wrong in using the word THINK, and I want you to use it when you are expressing thoughts. I don’t want you to use it when you are expressing feelings/emotions.

    There is a clear difference. An important one.

    xxoo



  178.  #178Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Syreena – @144 – I’m with you here. I don’t like the word control and rarely if ever use it. It’s a rigid word, restrictive word. I prefer words which allow flow, for when you allow flow with your words, you allow flow within your being.

    So when effecting change within, you want to allow ALL of it. You DON’T want to control it. If it feels bad, you love on it, talk to it, ask it to move on through you, encourage something better feeling to come in.

    xxoo



  179.  #179Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Liquid Light – 151 – I have known a few LAPD as well as CHP officers, and I think you may have a preconceived idea going on here. The ones I have known are not politically what you might think at all. In fact more of them are very liberal in thought than anything else.

    Making assumptions is not useful. How about being open and curious instead. You may be very pleasantly surprised.

    xxoo



  180.  #180Lisa on May 3, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    @Dominique

    wonderfully said… so much more flowing than how I was saying it…..

    Love all of it! yes!

    that way I’m living outside of duality…



  181.  #181Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Liquid Light – 161 – Maybe some men talk a lot at first to impress, and maybe some do out of nervousness. K did this on our first date, and it gave me pause for sure, but I decided time would show me what was going on with him. It was indeed nervousness.

    I feel so happy I had enough sense at the time to give him and us more time around this.

    xxoo



  182.  #182BeLoved on May 3, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    137

    Elsie – I wonder if you are the one rejecting you?
    You need, and deserve, a ton of attention. Don’t you believe you can find a guy who already knows how to do relationship who can and will give you all the attention your heart desires in all the ways you need?



  183.  #183Elsie on May 3, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    @seahorse – Feel not Think – thank you – you are spot on. Also I’m so glad you got good test results – yay!

    @Feminine Woman – and Lisa – I am not a fan of Byron Katie. Sure a plant has no response to anything, but it doesnt have a soul or emotions. (That is one of her examples that the flowers on the table keep existing without being upset….) Anyway – I know her four questions – but, wow, I DO NOT agree with her stuff. My opinion. 🙂

    @Liquid Light. I’m super mega conservative. 🙂 And I always said I would never date or be with anyone other than that. LOL. GS is actually a huge liberal – and an atheist. LOL. Let yourself be surprised. I know I thought I could NEVER be with someone liberal – LOL. Life is funny.



  184.  #184April Rose on May 3, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Dear Dominique,

    Can you help? I have almost given up on enjoying sex with my man. I don’t like how he touches me.
    I love sex. I love to feel I can let go of myself and my mind, and feel abandoned to the moment, to my body, to him.
    This hasn’t been a problem with previous partners.

    I have done what I can to guide him to touch me in a way that gives me pleasure, but it’s like he can’t do that, like he doesn’t want to know, or else thinks he knows better.
    I feel so frustrated. I dream of enjoying wonderful sex, and at the same time I’m avoiding it with him.

    Any ideas would be gratefully appreciated.



  185.  #185Zara on May 3, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    184 April Rose

    Revive Sex In Your Relationship
    Written by Rori Raye Sunday, 6 September 2009

    Okay – we’re going to start talking about sex, and how to bring it back in a relationship or marriage that’s been going without.

    I’m jumping off a comment by Reshi – who’s been in a nearly sexless marriage for a long time. She says “…He sleeps in the guest room, won’t have sex with me, won’t kiss me unless I ask him to –and I don’t want to be asking him to –yet he will hug me and randomly pet my head on quite a frequent basis…”

    Okay – it doesn’t get too much more awful than this.

    Reshi – we’re going to work to get this back for you – I can’t promise, but I’ve seen it happen more than 50% of the time…I was very close to that space myself, with sex happening infrequently, but still there, and I turned it around completely…

    To begin, here are some big possible scenarios for going consistently weeks, months, or years without sex, but still “getting along” with your man:

    1. He’s gay. This is not as far-out as you’d think. Sexuality is not an either-or thing. It’s not just – either gay or straight. Kinsey did research on this (a lot of it personal, if you saw the film “Kinsey” – and don’t take this as a recommendation, it’s a very disturbing film, at least it was for me…)

    Both Kinsey and Klein created “scales” and Klein uses a “grid.” Let’s use the Klein Grid, because it’s much more detailed – and let’s just talk about men, here, because we women are much more fluid in our sexual and romantic feelings, and much less resistant, both inside ourselves and even in today’s culture to throw out our fantasies whatever they are.

    In the Klein Grid – men pretty much place THEMSELVES on the scale because of the way they SELF-IDENTIFY. In other words, men answer questions about romantic feelings, and fantasies, and real-life desires and activities, and they put their answers on a “grid,” over different time periods, rating each question on a scale of 1-7 – with 1 being the most heterosexual, and 7 being the most homosexual response to the question.

    This puts them on an overall scale somewhere between 1 and 7, and still leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

    Hardly anyone is a 0 or a 7. We all have fantasies. We all are erotically attracted to many kinds of people. And we all are emotionally attracted to all kinds of people. We are all curious, we are all resisting our attractions to so many people, and all this can affect our level of desire to have sex at all from day to day.

    Most people fall closer to the middle of the scale than you would think. We just sort of tip one way or the other. Your man may be closer to the middle than even he thinks, and it may be confusing him.

    There’s no way you can “confront” him on this, but it’s sure worth an open-hearted discussion (after you’ve done some research and looked into your OWN flexible sexuality.)

    2. His Testosterone and other hormones are low and he has little libido. It could be something that’s going on in his life – stress, depression – that is actually affecting him physically. if you don’t see him masturbating – then this could be going on.

    The only way out of this is getting him to a doctor, and I always recommend Chinese medicine for hormones – in my experience it’s much more effective than Testosterone patches. AND – the problem is – no man wants to be dragged to the doctor (not even your acupuncturist) by his woman.

    It has to be his OWN idea.

    3. Here’s the most common situation: You’re both angry. And no one wants to be angry, so you’ve both shut down, in different ways. The level of safety has broken down, so that even hormones can’t trump the other feelings.

    You’ve just both gotten so used to “numbness” that even when “random horniness” shows up, it’s easy to extinguish the flame before you even get started. It’s easy to suddenly let your mind turn to some resentment, or something that has to be done around the house, or with the kids, or it seems like so much effort to plan a sex “date” – or even a “dinner” date, because you feel unheard, unloved, uncared for, and unsafe.

    And yes – he feels those things, too.

    And…

    4. He’s seeing another woman. Okay, this is awful. And you may suspect it, and yet many women have been knocked for a loop when they discovered it.

    This is a huge issue, and we’ll tackle it much later – but for now, know this: If your man is still in the house, any other woman is irrelevant. She doesn’t matter. If your man can work things out with YOU, that’s his first choice. If he’s not gone, it’s because he doesn’t want to be.

    The question here, then, is…do you want to be with a man who’s lied to you.

    Sometimes, a marriage can come back from this. Sometimes even a relationship that’s not official through marriage. Sometimes you can get over betrayal – and sometimes you can’t.

    Fixing It: The trick is to keep moving forward, lifting up your self-esteem, exploring all your options, and then making decisions based on what feels GOOD. You can bypass fear if you just follow what feels good.

    Everything step-by-step

    So – our next steps are to:

    1. Get into your own sexuality and sensuality and pleasure, and at the same time…

    2. Create a feeling of safety and authenticity in the relationship, so you can…

    3. Get all this stuffed-down emotion – especially the hidden anger – out into the open (every one of the scenarios above can be TALKED through – believe it or not – with Feeling Messages and Power Speeches) and…

    4. Slowly begin physically touching and flirting with him, as you…

    5. Learn to tolerate the new feelings of deeper intimacy and connection and receiving

    My Modern Siren program really lays all this out for you, and the steps to fix it (you can take a look at all my programs right here…), so if you’re working with the “Siren,” I’ll be able to answer your questions and respond to your comments more specifically – and point to the Tools in Siren that will help you.

    Step one for now is to get into your own sexuality, sensuality and pleasure – your assignment – Self-Pleasuring. (Heather in the Modern Siren really lays this out for you). I mean dedicated time to physical, sexual, sensual self-pleasuring – every day.

    Take this even further with a pole-dancing class, or getting massages if you can – but mostly I want you to walk around focused on your vagina. Yep, that’s right. I want us to be aware every second if our vaginas and all the lovely tissues and folds of our femaleness are soft, relaxed, warm and open.

    AND – I want you to turn yourself on. All day. Keep touching yourself, keep looking at yourself in mirrors lovingly, fantasize, really look into men’s eyes everywhere you go. STAY turned on 24/7. I want you to feel the buzzy vibe of arousal all the time. Now relax your mouth, drop your lower lip, be aware of your shoulders and if they’re tense and high – love them, love the tension, love everything.

    Now – let me know what happens.

    Love, Rori



  186.  #186Zara on May 3, 2013 at 2:11 pm


  187.  #187Zara on May 3, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    What To Do If He Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You
    Written. by Rori Raye Monday, 7 April 2009

    Here’s a comment from “InLove”, who’s suffering at 20 with a problem most of us have experienced at some time or other, in response to my post about reviving sex…

    “Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months.

    We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phone calls and texts. We have problems with two things.

    The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room – which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room).

    Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space.

    And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.

    The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult).

    Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on.

    But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).

    There was one time he was playing video games and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.

    We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.

    I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.

    When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.

    I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.

    I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.

    Sorry this is so long…InLove”

    P

    Here’s my answer:

    InLove, I feel your pain- I’ve been in this situation before – and so have many women I know and have worked with – and you’re not going to want to hear this answer. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you at 20, living in the same house – it may never get better.

    Either he’s gay or he’s not in love with you or he’s feeling pressure from you to deepen the relationship and to have sex and it’s turning him off, he may be afraid of getting you pregnant (though that doesn’t seem reasonable since he refused the blowjob) or he has physical or emotional problems or just an extremely low libido. Here’s what you can do from my standpoint – and I’m going to ask my friend Todd Creager – who’s a man and an expert on sexuality in marriage – to weigh in here as well:

    1. If he’s gay, that’s it. Even HE might not know it, so if that’s the right answer here, you’ll suffer with this until he discovers it for himself.

    2. If he’s not in love with you – you may have some effect on that if you make some changes (Tools for that are in my Modern Siren program) – just as you would for scenario number…

    3. If it’s about the pressure, you can step WAY back. You can see if that works (it will), and yet –

    It’s not a permanent solution.

    A man who so interlocks sex with his emotions has a certain kind of energy. MatchMatrix dot com calls this a “Mental-Emotional” energy around sex – and regardless of how you analyze it (some talk about how men “compartmentalize” around sex – and yours clearly doesn’t), that might be fine if you were the same way – but you’re not.

    The more he doesn’t want sex, the more you DO.

    We women try to CONNECT through sex – and so he picks that up, and because he’s afraid of or doesn’t want to deepen the connection, for whatever reason – he refuses sex.

    This is going to be an issue your ENTIRE lives, should you decide to stay together. Whenever there’s conflict, or during the ups and downs of your relationship – sex will stop.

    If you chase him for sex – as you’re doing now (if not actually, physically making the moves, you’re thinking about it and wanting it all the time) – is just making it worse for you.

    4. On top of everything else, these days many men have lowered libido for reasons around stress and diet and pollution – but if that’s his problem now, it won’t get better – it will get worse.

    This is very difficult and doesn’t feel good. Step way, way back.

    Let’s see what Todd has to say.

    I would not move in with him, if I were you – and if you do, please have a fall-back plan so you don’t feel stuck if things don’t get better.

    Sorry for the cold-sounding answer – but I want YOU to get a bit cold around this. I’d really like you to get out there and FLIRT – Circular Date just by talking with other men.

    Sitting around and hoping a man will want to have sex with you at 20 is bad-feeling, and I don’t want you there.

    Okay – This just in – Todd Creager answered my call and wrote me this to help you:

    “Rori- your advice is not cold; it is realistic. As you do, I feel for this young woman because she so much wants the relationship to work. However, patterns do not usually change that easily.

    One other possible factor besides the ones that you diligently outlined is the following; I have often found that men who resist sex in a committed relationship have had a very overbearing or needy mother. The male child unconsciously views women as needy or smothering.

    The male deals with this by unconsciously creating distance so that he can still “feel his own skin” and not be taken over by the “dangerous” female. This is his projection. The female is not necessarily doing anything wrong.

    I see the young woman here having two choices. Let him go and move on or insist that he get some good therapy. If she takes the second option, she should observe his behavior.

    If nothing changes several months into his therapy, she should strongly consider option 1. I hope this answer along with yours can help her. Todd Creager”

    Todd is amazing, if any of you would like to talk with him, he’s at ToddCreager dot com

    I’m going to take this bit of insight about why a man avoids sex and go deeper into it (and why Strong Surrender and Modern Siren will help you catch the red flags of a man with this problem, and perhaps even undo some of the damage). I’ll get some help from Todd along the way – this is his specialty.

    “InLove” – Use all my Tools to help you LeanBack, step-back – and rather than thinking about giving HIM “space” – take some for YOURSELF. Fill up your schedule with activities you adore doing, that make you feel good – and let HIM fit himself into YOUR schedule.

    Love, Rori



  188.  #188Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    @Dominique

    Thanks for the feedback re. the CHP guy being conservative. I needed to hear that! Yes, I am jumping to conclusions, big time, so thank you for the reminder. I always think everyone in law enforcement is super conservative and that is so not fair!

    Also, thanks for mentioning what happened on your first date. I so appreciate that. It does seem to be a pattern. Often times, if I’m not that interested, I’ll let someone talk a lot if they are inclined to do so. Many men seemed to be inclined to do so. That’s why I always like to keep first dates short, like an hour for coffee.

    And with CHP guy, I had just met him randomly at a coffee shop. I’m not that outgoing so am rarely very talkative when I first meet someone. But if we do go out again, I will be more assertive. Thanks FW for your feedback on that 🙂

    @Lisa and @Elsie

    Its so nice to hear your perspective and feedback on this! LIsa, we seem to be similar in a lot of ways! 🙂

    Elsie, I loved hearing your story, thanks for sharing! It is the flipside of mine, you are conservative and he is liberal, and you are making it work. Awesome! 🙂



  189.  #189Elsie on May 3, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    @Liquid Light – its totally hysterical. I”m on Drudge Report talking about Sean Hannity and he is on Huffington Post talking about the Daily Show.

    We make it work. Because deep down inside he knows he is wrong and I’m right………JUST KIDDING. 🙂 LOL.



  190.  #190Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    CHP guy seems like he is a good man, whatever his political outlook is. He’s an awesome father to his amazing sounding daughter and just seems like he’s a good guy.

    The more I think about man2, though, the more I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s prob not going to work for me. I would always be worried if we were out on a date, how much he would drink, and then I’d be worried that he would get in an accident on the way home and hurt himself or someone else and then I would feel HORRIBLE and GUILTY and it would eat at me the rest of my life. I know I’m worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet, but he’s already proven to me that he’s perfectly capable of this behavior.

    Maybe I can talk to him about it if we do end up reconnecting. Now thats a radical thought!!! I kinda like it though!



  191.  #191seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    177 Dominque- Oh boy!!!! When I THINK of what you wrote, I FEEL open. I have to really slow myself down when in a stressful situation and say(think) to myself What feeling is that and I say(think) to myself, I feel angry…….. then I think of why? what was the trigger? Meanwhile, I’m loving on the feeling and going with it. Writing this out feels difficult. Doing it takes practice………..lots and lots of practice! What about the saying “Thoughts become things, think the good ones”? I do that also. Out loud is what you mean though…..isn’t it??? Like ……….. I think the weather will be pleasant this weekend, it would feel wonderful to be at the beach? Like that?



  192.  #192Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    April Rose – 184 – Oh no, I am so sorry. This can be a tough one. How have you been showing him? Are you gently guiding his hands? Have you tried masturbating for him? Have you told him – It would feel SO good to experience…..Or I love to……? When he does something you like (if he does), have you melted and moaned and made it clear how wonderful that felt? Have you told him it feels SO good when you….?

    Have you tried sharing fantasies with him? For example – I have some fantasies I would love to share with you? May I?

    If none of this works, and please give it time, it’s possible he’s not a sexual match for you. It does happen. I want to believe though that he WILL get it.

    xxoo



  193.  #193Liquid Light on May 3, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    @Elsie 189 hahahahahaha!!! 😀



  194.  #194seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    I feel confused now. I did that to myself. Too much thinking? hahahaha! Okay. Easy seahorse and breathe…….



  195.  #195Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    seahorse – 191 – I think you’ve got it, and this makes my heart feel warm. 🙂

    xxoo



  196.  #196seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    I entered into super awareness of thinking and feeling and then anxiety sets in. Overload!! Breathing low……………. Feeling is body and thinking is head…………. I feel curious, but my mind is curious and thats a thought. See???? That’s a perfect example. I feel stupid now.



  197.  #197Zara on May 3, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    How Important is Sex in a Relationship
    Written by Rori Raye 13 August 2010

    Part 1

    Sex is such an important thing – not because it’s so crucial to be having sex for sex’s sake (though it makes us healthier in so many ways…) but because it’s such a serious barometer for the health and intimacy level of a relationship.

    It says so much about the physical and emotional status of each of you.

    It demonstrates hormones – testosterone and estrogen.

    And hormones say a lot about who you are in so many ways.

    Here’s a letter that’s a good jump off about sex in a relationship:

    “Rori, I went through the same situation with my husband and it was indeed a big red flag when a man rarely initiated sex. And my husband for the longest time trivialized the issue as if I made sex such a big deal over everything else. He was (and sometimes is) still in denial how important sex is in a marriage.

    Long story short, we broke up because I was so unfulfilled and resentful so I strayed (let’s just put it that way at this point).
    We’re in a reconnecting phase these days and sex has been frequent and wonderful (once a week/10 days for 5 mins when we were married, 2-3 times a week for at least 30 mins these days). And he wanted and initiated it all the time. I sometimes wonder it is because I am “no longer” his wife so sex is more exciting (we haven’t lived back together and have yet to spend the night together since we broke up last year).

    At any rate, I’m happy about our sex life. He’s now more responsive about pleasing me too, something he never cared before. I’ve been doing what basically needs to be done to be attractive again to your man (always dress femininely, be gracious and showing appreciation of things he does and that makes me happy, etc.)

    I wonder what you think about sex during reconciliation. We’re not officially back together (he’s still resisting) but I know he can’t afford to lose me. At times I feel things don’t go as fast as I wish it did (I know…I know guys are slow). I do believe though that our sexual relationship is working to bond us closer but at the same time the golden rule out there is a man will less likely to commit as long as he gets sex with no string attached (though I know he’s not seeing anyone else).

    Under opposite circumstances (if he was the one who was more sexual than me) I would have perhaps acted differently. But sex was the main thing I complained about during our marriage and now I have it turned full circle, so it’s a bit crazy if I’m complaining about that now (it just shows women really are never happy lol). thank you, Karen”

    Here’s my answer:

    Dear Karen,

    I have so much to say here…and I think this applies no matter WHAT your situation. If your man is not sexually interested (once a week, as you describe is quite OFTEN for a man who isn’t much interested…), or if you’re dating a man where the sex is good but the commitment is fuzzy.

    Let’s start with the centerpiece of this situation – he wasn’t interested in having sex with you – and now he is.

    I’m assuming nothing’s changed physically – he’s not all of a sudden using Viagra or stopped watching porn, or started watching porn just before he sees you?

    The only thing that’s changed then, is YOU.

    And how have YOU changed?

    A lot of different ways:

    1. You’re not there all the time.
    2. You’re not a sure thing.
    3. You’ve demonstrated that you’re just fine without him.
    4. You’ve demonstrated that you can take care of yourself physically and emotionally
    5. You’ve demonstrated that you’re willing to be without him in order to have the love and relationship and fulfilling sex life you want and deserve.
    6. You’ve demonstrated that you don’t NEED him, and that you’re not desperate to have him.
    7. You’re “gracious” and “appreciative” – new things.

    So now – he has absolutely no requirement of intimacy in order to have sex with you. There are no strings. He feels free. His body is responding again.

    Only – what would happen if you got married again?

    Would he all of a sudden feel pressured – by his internal workings – or by you – in a way that would interrupt his sexual response again?

    Would he again start to withdraw sexually because that’s the easy way for him to do that?

    (Opting out sexually is likely the number one way men AND women act out anger – and it’s the first thing that goes when intimacy winds down.)

    If you’re lucky enough to have a man who just wants sex no matter what – this may not happen to you – or, he may cheat, instead.

    The way to go here is to USE sex to practice INTIMACY. That means you have to feel safe. You have to feel safe and open, so HE’LL feel safe and open. You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.

    Continuing in next post:..Part 2

    Love, Rori



  198.  #198seahorse on May 3, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I love on that too!!! …… and patience seahorse. Thank you Dominque. I have been enjoying your book also.



  199.  #199Zara on May 3, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Sex and Intimacy – How Does Sex Work To Deepen A Relationship
    Written by Rori Raye 21 August 2010

    How does sex work in a relationship? (This is Part 2 of a series )

    How can you get the most pleasure, the most enjoyment, the most learning, the deepest intimacy, the most help for the forward moving of your relationship – out of the experience of sex?

    The way to go here is to USE sex to practice INTIMACY.

    That means you have to feel safe.

    You have to feel safe and open, so HE’LL feel safe and open.

    You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.

    AND…

    You can’t do this unless you feel safe.

    The “hard” thing her is – even if you actually ARE safe with him (he’s actually a good, sensitive, caring, masculine energy man) – you may not feel safe with YOU (because there’s so much of you you don’t know, don’t acknowledge, don’t love) – and so no matter how great he is, you won’t feel safe enough to really open up in his presence.

    The way out of this is practice.

    Practice with whoever you’re with, wherever you are.

    And this is the only reasonable rationale for having sex in an uncommitted relationship where you’re not in love, exclusive, or any of the other things we hold important for sex to feel “safe.”

    If you can find a situation with a “safe” man (to the best of your knowledge) – and you can USE your experience of sex in that situation to practice opening yourself up – that’s great (I’ve had that a couple of times in my life, and it was stupendous …)!

    AND – it’s very, very rare.

    Because when you practice opening up with a man you don’t “love” – all of a sudden you start to love him.

    It’s because intimacy makes love.

    Because love isn’t about HIM – it’s about YOU – and so if you are finally, blissfully able to express yourself without holding back and feel safe and loved in the presence of a man (this is why we fall in love with our therapists) – you will feel LOVE for him!!!

    If you’re just going through the motions of physical sex – there’s no gain for you here. There’s nothing to learn. It becomes about hoping HE will feel something through the sex – and, yes, he will – if that’s the kind of man he is – AND if YOU are opening up to him and he CARES about you – but he just can’t do this intimacy thing by HIMSELF!!!

    And if you are opening up and sharing yourself with a man who does not care – who is not capable of holding the space for you to be intimate with him, who is NOT SAFE – THIS is where we women get into trouble.

    The reason we do this thing – this opening up with a man who is NOT SAFE, who does NOT CARE…is that — to us, he IS safe!!
    Meaning – he CANNOT do intimacy.

    A man who cannot do intimacy – when we pick this up subconsciously (if we are sufficiently afraid of intimacy and of being who we are and loving all the dark parts of ourselves along with the light parts) – we feel safe.

    We feel safe from scary intimacy.

    And so we let go and surrender to the WRONG SITUATION.

    The one that actually PROMISES – distance!!

    Two people who require a certain amount of emotional distance from each other in order to feel safe from all the inner feelings they wish to not experience will do nearly anything to maintain that distance.

    When one opens up, the other closes down.

    This is why baby-steps are CRUCIAL.

    You go first.

    Continuing in Part 3…

    Love, Rori



  200.  #200Funny Hunny on May 3, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I live and work with my man, and I make boundaries about ‘work’ and ‘personal’ time.
    Lately he’s been getting resentful towards me because he is saying he’s doing the lion’s share of the work.

    He puts work ahead of everything (admitted, he does have a lot of responsibility on his shoulders – yesterday he was weeping and asking for more support from me).

    We usually take turns cooking for each other. Today, however, he got angry about taking his turn. He said it wasn’t fair for him to work more than me, and make dinner too.

    I didn’t have the words at the time, but he made me feel like we are just roommates/work colleagues.

    I don’t want to divide the workload equally and include our meal times in that.

    How can I convey that I want to feel more special and cherished?



  201.  #201Zara on May 3, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    How To Create Emotional Intimacy With Sex
    Written by Rori Raye 23 August 2010

    How do you go first to deepen intimacy when you’re working with the experience of sex? (This is Part 3 of the 3-Part Sex and Intimacy Series )

    Without initiating? Without doing ANYTHING?

    You open up, baby step by baby step – and see what he does.

    Even if he does NOTHING – you watch.

    You smile. You melt. You are warm. You unzip your heart. You open.

    If he can hold the space, if he can open up and then give to you, facilitate your opening up even more – then you’ve got a winner here.

    And…then ON to more baby-steps!

    If he continually moves backward – you are forced to step backward.

    You are forced to step back and see what he does.

    And here’s the trick – if you can step back but NOT close down…just stay open and see what happens…you will get more out of each baby-step.

    You will slowly discover the abilities of the man you’re with – and if he just can’t do it – you will grow bored. Yes, you will. Sex will stop it’s wonderfulness.

    If he slowly increases his ability to hold a space for intimacy, to lean forward towards you when you’re open instead of stepping back…then you’ll feel more excited and more LOVE for him. If a man is intensely always leaning toward you – it will scare you – and you’ll have to share that with him so he can facilitate you better.

    All this is to open up the possibility for you that sex isn’t about what you think it’s about.

    Sex is not an end, and it’s not a means to a relationship goal with a man. It’s an experience of the moment that can be meaningful and powerful and profound and passionate or juicy or fun – depending on how YOU feel about it in that moment.

    And if you see it as a possibility for ALL of this…then you can baby-step your way into your ABILITY to do intimacy THROUGH sex.

    So – again – the goal is not the result, but the experience.

    No matter what a man says – it’s the same for him.

    Let me know how this bends your mind!

    Love, Rori



  202.  #202April Rose on May 3, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Thank you Dominique,

    To me it is sooo obvious when I’m enjoying the way he is touching me. My body melts deeply, I have no thoughts, I lose myself and make sounds of pleasure.
    Then he changes it. It’s like being brought back into the room abruptly. I feel like screaming because I am no longer sinking into the no-mind space of pleasure.

    I will give it some more time, as you suggest.



  203.  #203Zara on May 3, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    153 Seahorse

    “”ZARA!!! Thank you for your post it was awesome! again!
    Off to seize the day and maybe bite a few lovely man buns!!!! hahahahaahhaa!!!!! You only live once!!! hahaha!!! Have a delicious and FEELING day Sirens!””

    You are welcome and thank you for the joyful enthusiasm. 🙂
    It feels boosting.
    xxx

    (We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.— Confucius.)
    😉



  204.  #204April Rose on May 3, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Zara,
    The 3-part article on sex is really helpful. Thank you for posting it.

    “Sex is not an end, and it’s not a means to a relationship goal with a man. It’s an experience of the moment that can be meaningful and powerful and profound and passionate or juicy or fun.”
    This is what I long for.

    “And if you are opening up and sharing yourself with a man who does not care – who is not capable of holding the space for you to be intimate with him, who is NOT SAFE – THIS is where we women get into trouble.

    The reason we do this thing – this opening up with a man who is NOT SAFE, who does NOT CARE…is that — to us, he IS safe!!
    Meaning – he CANNOT do intimacy.”

    Wow. Is that my situation, I wonder???



  205.  #205k2012 on May 3, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    “A man who does not visit a woman more than once every two weeks knows very well he is not entitled to have her for himself.” Precisely so Zara. Exactly so. I love your post. You hit the nail on the head with everything u posts. I have the repostings that u reposted in about 2 threads back to finish reading. So helpful for u to repost them. I once had a relationship with a man about 6 years ago who would only come and look for me once in a while like every couple of weeks. It was so evident by his actions that he did not want any commitment. When I needed him for serious issues such as me moving house, he wasn’t around. It was a good male friend who helped me move. I was surprised that he lasted 9 months but the shocking thing was when he said he was not ready to get married. He wanted to accomplish things financially before he got married. This guy was in his 40’s. I cut him loose as what he said was a red flag. He would only come around when he wanted sex. I ended things with him cause he obviously didn’t want a commitment and I cannot sustain a relationship with a man who only wants to see me once a month or every couple of weeks. No way.



  206.  #206Zia on May 3, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    As of last night I finished the last of the programs in Rori’s complete collection. Now to get my boy hat on and make a game plan of how to work on all this stuff!

    I’ve realised that I have some MAJOR blocks, I did the riffing tools and basically kept coming up with the feelings of unworthiness, and that I don’t deserve nor am capable of having a healthy relationship. The tools in Targeting Mr Right and the Toxic Men program I think are the ones I’ll have to work with first.

    One of the biggest breakthroughs for me during this was realising this:

    “I will never be alone, as long as I have me”

    And I’m applying that whenever I am doing something I love with the wish in the back of my mind that someone else was sharing it with me.

    No, I am doing the things that I love for ME!



  207.  #207Dominique on May 3, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    April Rose – 203 – It’s possible. How is he in other aspects of the relationship? Is this the only thing which feels disturbing to you?

    A man, a good man, a man who is truly for you, would want to make you feel good and figure out what is which does. This can take some time (or not), and to get your rhythms in sync can also take time sometimes. Some men will even ask what it is that turns you on, makes you feel good.

    Here from what you say, this man has his own agenda. I feel sad about this. I want more for you. Yet I’m not willing to give up on him.

    I’m here for you if you have more questions.

    xxoo



  208.  #208April Rose on May 3, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    “A man, a good man, a man who is truly for you, would want to make you feel good and figure out what is which does.”

    Whoa. Dominique, I think I have been afraid to see this.
    He wants to make me happy. But that’s not the same as wanting to make me feel good. Fine line – there is a difference.
    I feel like weeping. And yet I feel relieved to see some truth about it.
    I feel heavy because it seems like the responsibility is on me to inspire him to want to make me feel good.
    Shouldn’t it be his natural desire, if he is a great man?

    And why do I accept anything less than a great man?

    I’d like to let out a little steam. . .
    I feel angry. I feel cheated. All these years of not quite. Not quite not quite not quite. worse than abuse in some ways, coz it’s harder to detect. Not quite caring that I feel good. Not quite finding out what makes me feel good. I’m guilty of this towards myself.
    April Rose, honey. I want to make you feel good. Reeeaally good. Let’s find out, sweetheart. What feels incredible? Breathe into your body and see. Feel. What feels good?

    I intend to honour that which feels fantastic in myself, and give myself more, and allow in those men who want to make me feel good.



  209.  #209Libelula on May 3, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Zara – 93: Thanks for the reminder write-up. You wrote it for someone else, but it felt like what I needed to consider.



  210.  #210April Rose on May 3, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    I made a contract with myself, in my teens, to not feel good in life. I saw so much suffering in the world, and I felt too guilty to have joy and fun for myself.

    I hereby shred that contract to pieces, in front of siren witnesses.



  211.  #211April Rose on May 3, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Dominique 206 – he seems to consider me spoilt/demanding (I am a Leo and do like to be worshipped) and deliberately pulls back from giving me what I want.
    I want a man who spoils me. Not one who rations his giving.
    Yes, I do feel disturbed by the way he seems to give back, rather than give to me freely. He weighs up whether or not I deserve his giving.
    Reminds me of my Dad.



  212.  #212Syreena on May 3, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    Thank you Dominique I get everything you are saying. Just takes time. I like the distancing myself when things now feel bad. I used to feel the opposite and want him more for reassurance when things felt bad and chase, now it feels better to step away. More peaceful.



  213.  #213Francesca on May 3, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    Great article that made me feel even worse because I just did all the things that one should never do. D and I have been on again, off again for the last year and a half. After 8 months of him being unable to commit or pay me consistent attention, I followed Rori’s advice and began dating others. He flat out told me he did not want to be with me after telling me he loved me. So, I removed my attention from him and did my own thing. He never even called, so I did not volunteer that I was dating others and he never asked. I did contact him from time to time and was friendly, but volunteered no info and he assumed I was just saving myself for him. I did shower him with attention (from afar) on his 50th bday because he was all alone abroad and I care for him. He had been out of the country two months and suddenly wanted to come visit me after months of inattention. I said I could not do that. I was not emotionally prepared to be with him romantically again. (or have him stay/live in my home as he had done before leaving the country) He was angry and said I stomped on his heart???!!. He returned home a few weeks later and I wouldn’t see him at all. I had begun dating another man fairly seriously. I felt all D wanted was sex without supplying me with commitment and that we had done that for 8 months and I wasn’t going to do it again. He was never there for me. Never tried to make me happy and always expected me to make him happy. Months later I decided that we could have a sexual relationship only, as long as we were not sleeping with others ( I just didn’t see him as the man I’d end up with anyway and thought I had resolved my feelings for him), but the sex was amazing and I missed it. Then he cut that off because he said he couldn’t stand me dating others at all and it hurt him. I consistently told him I’d be happy to date him too and see where it went,but he wanted me to just volunteer to be his and then let him decide how much he wanted to commit. I held my ground thinking I was following Rori’s advice and that to volunteer to be exclusive with no commitment was crazy. He took it as disloyalty.
    While he and I were not seeing each other I had dated and slept with another man for a couple of months. I was honest about it when D and I started back up again and he had been ok with it. But after we had been sleeping together again D began to express contempt for me and call me disgusting for betraying him (although we were not together in any way at the time), saying he thought he could get passed it, but that he couldn’t.
    I would not engage and told him he was out of line. I understood he was hurt and upset, but I had done nothing wrong.
    We resolved our fighting and were just friends for a few months. During which time he rekindled things with an ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago. We hadn’t had sex in months per his decision and I maintained that I wanted nothing from him. I thought I didn’t.
    Suddenly he tells me he is going out-of -town to meet the ex and they will spend the weekend together and have sex. Things felt final, like the absolute end was there and so I felt compelled to have sex with him again. I wished him well in his search for love and we had the most amazing sex we’ve ever had. We were like the most in love people ever. His friends were asking him why he was even going to see this ex after seeing us together again. I let down my guard and was loving to him because I felt like I had nothing to lose and didn’t expect to ever be with him again.
    He went to see her. They spoke on the phone every day a couple of times a day. They did have sex on their weekend together. He never told her about me, in fact lied about me. Then he and I had sex again and he said it was so hard and he was so torn. I began to get very offended and hurt and called off sex saying we had gotten carried away….him seeing both of us was not the original intention. A good-bye was the intention. I would still see him as friends (we are neighbors) and would cringe when he would get up to take a call from her in my presence.
    Then he told me that she and he had decided not to pursue a relationship,but would always be friends and he started chasing me. I was still circular dating which upset him. He told me he would see me again one day when I was over dating. I gave it a few weeks, would not engage in sex even though he would stop by and instantly get touchy feely in a seductive way and then get mad when I said no… I insisted I was not comfortable with it. Things had been passionate and crazy and very confusing. I started seeking his approval and wanting him to prove his love to me….he freaked out that I was pressuring him. Then we spent a couple nice days together and I told him I loved him, couldn’t deny it and we could try seeing only one another.
    He said, “no, that he didn’t want to be exclusive and he was seeing the ex again. ”
    I feel like I have been on the worst roller coaster ride ever and that I tried so hard to be true to my emotions,but ended up lying to myself and being desperate and needy. It feels horrible. I don’t know if he is just toxic or if I am creating the problem.
    What do I do??? I overwhelmed him with text messages the other day when he just up and left town. So I haven’t messaged him for 2 days. Do I just need to end this for good? How? Help!



  214.  #214Emerson on May 3, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    89 thanks indigo for your feedback! I will try it <3



  215.  #215Indigo on May 3, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    Emerson,

    I would encourage you to try it!

    I have tried even being what I think of as a little bit audacious, and saying “could you phone me at 5?” or “I will be available to chat at 5” and they always do.



  216.  #216Indigo on May 3, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    How do you deal with awful words from a man?

    This is something I have dealt with a few times in relationships, and I feel so unable to protect myself from them.

    It doesn’t shake the safety of the relationship, it’s really just a kind of abuse that they get used to inflicting. I dealt with this from both my parents – swearing and being either horrible or cold. You know they’re not going anywhere, you know they still love you, yet they feel a certain permission to say these things.

    I know you could say “This feels awful” and walk away but the hurt has already been inflicted, and you have to deal with the sense of pain and shame.

    Anyone have any suggestions, thoughts, feedback?



  217.  #217Indigo on May 3, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    (I must just say with my mom I was able to turn it around. I’m not sure if it was her healing, or me being assertive, or both, but she would never DREAM of saying some of the things to me now that she used to say in the past.)

    But with a man? How do you deal with a man who routinely uses hurtful language? I know it ought to be a deal-breaker, but how do you protect yourself from it when you feel unable to do so?



  218.  #218prplpsn28 on May 4, 2013 at 12:11 am

    Ok I’m done with H. I can’t do this. Can’t help this feeling that everything is on his terms. He knew that I didn’t have my kids tonight and he made no effort to see me or even talk to me. It makes me feel used. Like he doesn’t care. He stayed all night with me last night and my kids were home but then tonight nothing. I’m continuing to lean back but like I said I don’t like the feeling that it seems on his terms. Ugh! So frustrated and hurt and angry 🙁



  219.  #219Vi on May 4, 2013 at 12:23 am

    I feel sooo in masculine energy… I love my masculine energy. I could do body dialogues to feel more connected to my feeling self…



  220.  #220Vi on May 4, 2013 at 12:23 am

    and slow down… I love me!



  221.  #221Vi on May 4, 2013 at 12:52 am

    I feel shutting down and almost aggressive… I feel angry mom doesn’t hear me… I feel sad…. I feel very sad.. These angry feelings got me in my body though and making me feel kinda connected with my feminine self… that feels better… I love me..



  222.  #222Luzydel on May 4, 2013 at 4:35 am

    I am kinda missing captainCd :(, Sometimes I am just fine but yesterday I was vulnerable working at a conference and I felt so lonely (can’t believe I can admit that these days!) I know there’s plenty of men and I know I will like someone else again. But I miss him…

    I do not have the need to reach out to him at all, he was very clear when he said, “summer is here and I get very busy and very selfish to spend it with someone” That actually put me in gear to do things for myself.

    I know how to use my heart break first aid kid now, I know the steps…

    Do not panic…
    Do not insult the man…
    Express disappointment with feeling messages…
    Then let go…

    Next day open Match Profile and start writing to other men…
    Flirt, Flirt, Flirt…SMile, smile, smile ( You’ll suddenly feel good).

    Let it be… Miss him, Send him some love his way, then drop it!



  223.  #223Femininewoman on May 4, 2013 at 4:55 am

    Indigo – I don’t want to be spoken to that way. I said it in a confident drama free way and walked away. He immediately came running after me and hugged me saying he loved. I guess it depends on who the man is.



  224.  #224Zara on May 4, 2013 at 4:56 am

    203 April Rose

    I don’t know, April Rose. But it looks like it could be.

    He is married and this does not make a woman feel honoured. And he wants to stay married which could mean he can’t let go of his link to her. He ignores your feeling around this. There is probably some hidden anger in you about it. A good man would understand he needs to divorce to keep you sane. But he does not care. I imagine you retaliated by putting him down in other fields. In which case he now has bottled up anger too.

    He moved in with you so he could leave his wife. I sense they had a power fight and he left as a way to feel he had the last word and won.
    When you started Cdating, he retaliated by finding a woman who could let him move in with her. Is he ever interested by a woman with no house to rescue him? I feel curious. Or may be I skipped an information and the house you live in right now is paid by him?
    I don’t remember reading he did anything out of his way to win your heart. On the contrary it looks like you rescued him when he needed to move out of his family home. That might not make him feel captain in charge of his own life, which could lower his libido. And you might be the friend who was there to help, not the mysterious woman whom heart he had to win going out of his way.

    And he seems to turn your feelings down and to turn the arrow towards him. He wants you to care for his feelings and to go towards him. He had been sending the ball back at you when you expressed your feelings. He did not feel moved when you learned to tell the truth. When you were Cdating, he did not step up. On the contrary he retaliated by dating a woman and planning to leave you to move in with her.

    Not cherishing your feelings and not worried to lose you and not attracted by the new out in the world Rose. Threatening you to leave if you Cdate. I don’t know if he can do intimacy. I feel doubtful.

    It might be a chore for him to keep the rhythm when he tries to please you sexually. If he is not enjoying what he is doing he might get bored and change his movements regularly as a way to cope, mindlessly. He might simply not care enough to be in it when he does it.

    I believe a woman can fall in love with a caring, loving single man at any age. When she picks up a married man who needs her house to have a shelter, and who does not cherish her feelings but wants her to cherish his feelings, she sends the message she does not deserve to be honoured, loved and cherished.
    It could be a way to avoid intimacy on her part also.

    Also as much as you leave him space to come to you and greet you when he comes home, he does not acknowledge you. He does not feel this natural pull to fill in the space.
    The day you leaned forward and went to kiss him hello, he said “that’s how it is supposed to be, the woman comes to the man.” And you had sex for the first time in ages. Now when you show him how to please you sexually, he gets upset, he wants to be the one who knows.
    It looks like a power game. He is fighting you for power on every side. He does not want to be the man with the privilege to lead you and take care of you. He is a girl fighting with another girl to keep the power and yet he makes sure you are the one who takes care of his feelings and rescue him.

    Might be feeling resentful of his wife and children. Might feel he gave it all and got taken for granted. Might want to make sure nobody will ever make him feel powerless again and nobody will get from him before they gave to him and before they acknowledged him as owning the power.
    Only he is acting precisely like powerless men act.

    I would Outgirl him and Cdate but this time making sure I have at least 3 at the same time and prepared to see him move out.
    I felt uneasy to read he stayed in your house while he was planning to move in with this other woman. I don’t want a lodger, I want a lover in my home. I don’t have to rescue him while he gets organised with the new woman. You put up with too much. Your mind is tricking you into believing you are going to lose love if you let him go.

    This said, there are videos that show clearly how to please a woman, you could watch them together, it won’t come off as orders given from your mouth. Which is what he might resent after his power struggle with his wife and now with you. Once he gets the general idea from the videos, it might be more natural for him to adapt to your personal variations. If he can do it, that is.

    And when we are playing, I would may be say:
    “Love, I want to share a secret with you. I love what you do, it takes me quite far but I want to tell you my secret desire. I love what you do, you are sooooo good. I love that it comes from your desire and imagination and that I never know what spot you are going to arouse me from. AND when I say ‘stay there’, it means you made it! You aroused me and I would so love you to stay there to give time to the nerves endings to send their message to my brain and made it explode. When the spot is left alone too soon, I get back into my head and feel frustrated. I would love to say ‘to the right’ ‘to the left’ ‘upper’ ‘downer’ ‘slower’ ‘faster’, ‘keep the rhythm, don’t change anything, stay there’ and to feel I am heard, the sensations are building up and I have all the time in the world to let it come to me because you are in charge. I would love to feel connected to you in that way. I would love to discover the map of my body with you. It would feel so sexy to do it with you!”

    xxx



  225.  #225Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:08 am

    209 April Rose

    I had not seen your posts after 203, I had not refreshed the page before I posted.

    You go girl !!!!!

    xxx



  226.  #226Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:10 am

    204 K 2012

    You are welcome.

    Yes, a man who sees me only once every two weeks is dating me, not courting me to lead me into a relationship.
    I make up a story that I am in a relationship when I do not date other men. But that’s my story. He has another story. He is single and dating this girl (me) because, you know, a man needs a soft human touch once in a while and he likes me. I am a great friend. Friendship and sex are great for men while they wait for the woman of their life to come along. Or simply when they are not able to do intimacy.
    And I lock myself inside an imaginary relationship.

    Sometimes they, too, make up the story they are in a relationship with me. They don’t date anybody else, they see themselves as my boyfriend, yet they keep me at arms length, they see me a couple of times a months. They meant it to be every week ends but you know, poor dears, lol, life happens. Sport week ends away, colleagues week ends away, boys week ends away, children week ends away and whatever.
    And it can last years during which I pine and long for more, wondering when he is going to propose to me, feeling unworthy of a proposal, and taking medicine for depression.

    Bravo for believing him when he told you his story: he was not leading you towards marriage. Some men say it out loud but for some reason the woman does not believe it. Her story has to be the right truth.
    I feel curious to know how you felt during the 9 months. My feelings tend to let me know I am not experiencing in my body the same relationship I made up in my story.

    The good news is I have that experiment in my bag. I don’t have to go through it again. I weed out faster the guys who don’t make time to date me during week days and every week ends. Those guys can’t do intimacy, they keep me at arms length. Or they are not in love, they just like my friendship.
    I know to let in the men who can’t wait to see me and who do what it takes to book my agenda. Those are the ones deeply pulled towards me and most likely the ones to fall in love with me from the beginning. And to WANT to feel in love with me in my presence.

    See, you trapped yourself again with an unavailable man but long distance this time. And you stopped the contact pretty soon. Your past experience made you listen to your feelings of pining and longing for more. It did not feel good and it made you question what you were doing. It was not even dating. You learnt to drop the ball to be able to notice if a man wants to be with you or if he was just procrastinating chatting with you on his computer.
    You are learning to want to make yourself feel good with a man in your presence and a man who WANTS to be in your presence as often as his work let him be.

    You know what we say on this blog. It takes Me to be afraid of intimacy to get hooked by a man who can’t do intimacy. Otherwise Me would get bored with him.

    So I am rooting for you here, hoping to hear that K 2012 is dating real men in her city. It is scary but it’s like the first time you dive into water. At some stage you take the decision and you make your body do it. It’s either that or you stay frozen on your diving board. When you find yourself in front of the first man, hearing yourself telling the truth as well as you can, you feel like you just entered the water. You feel deliciously good and relieved from anxiety and deliciously surprised it is so not like the story you made up about it. And after that you want to do it again and again. You want to practice vulnerability more and more and the more you do it, the safest you feel.

    xxx



  227.  #227Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:16 am

    208 Libelula

    You are welcome 🙂

    xxx



  228.  #228Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:41 am

    126 Elise

    “”I think you are very right that this is a lot to do with my own self work that I need to do “”

    I feel misread. I feel a little bit sorry I was not clear enough. I want to let go, though.

    xxx

    “”I guess I”m just still feeling stung by a bit of rejection. There was a time that this guy would do anything to see me at any time. And now, I feel like, well, he was a bit tired, and hasnt seen me in two weeks alone – please. I just dont like it.””

    It depends. If he is a date, I would not take notice and he would probably weed himself out.
    Guys who go from super excited to totally absent for two weeks are clearly stating they are not into me, so the boat keeps going without them.
    I would not feel rejected at all.
    If they vanish it is all about their life taking them away for whatever reason, but it is not done against me. It just means I am not included in their life. Which is normal coming from strangers.
    -Wether we are not a match and they are not into me, which is fine. Only one man can be my relationship, which implies that all the others vanish from my life at some stage. I am sure they feel sad too that I am not the one and that they have to keep looking.
    -Or that they are over booked in their family life or work life. I don’t feel rejected. It has nothing to do with me. They are not in a place in life where they can turn dating into a relationship. I am good with their absence as I don’t want such busy men. I want a man excited to make good time for me and free to make good time for me and to include me pretty fast in his family and social agenda rather than wait for the children to be out of the way to meet me.

    But If I am already in a relationship with him, I would not like to not see him for 2 weeks! I would feel something is off or ending.
    In my world, staying away for 2 weeks does not exist in a relationship. Unless his work keeps him in a city further away than usual. But if no geographical change has occurred, I expect him to keep coming over as often as he is used to.
    For me to consider myself in a relationship, the guy is 100% into me. I don’t want lukewarm. It makes the woman feel not good enough. She ends up feeling needy.
    100% means his pull towards me becomes stronger every day. He wants to be with me even more often than in the beginning and he makes it hapen. He wants to share his life with me as fast as possible. I want to be the one who paces down things if I think it is too soon. I want him supercalifragilisticexpialidociously excited to see me.

    xxx



  229.  #229Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:46 am

    107 Turquoise

    You are very welcome.

    Please accept my condolences and thank you for loving my post. I feel energised.

    Wishing you to feel loved by a man very soon.

    xxx



  230.  #230Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:48 am

    105 Sirenity

    🙂 Thank you, that feels very sweet to read. I feel connected.

    Missing you.

    xxx



  231.  #231Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:49 am

    104 Ruth

    Hello 🙂

    xxx



  232.  #232Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:51 am

    104 Ruth

    Hello Ruth 🙂

    xxx



  233.  #233Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:52 am

    100 Indigo

    I feel giggly now, a little bit embarrassed. But happy, the compliment feels good to read, thank you.

    xxx



  234.  #234Zara on May 4, 2013 at 5:53 am

    97 Millie

    Thank you for such a lively compliment. I feel connected and happy that it inspires you.

    Your words feel fresh and hopeful. I feel excited.

    Bravo for your success and here is to a wonderful life.

    xxx



  235.  #235Zara on May 4, 2013 at 6:16 am

    226 to Elise was meant for Elsie

    xxx



  236.  #236Elsie on May 4, 2013 at 9:01 am

    @Zara and all…

    When will I learn? When will I learn that this man loves me and I need to stop being scared at least for right now? LOL.

    He came over last night, and he was AWESOME. I guess he was just really tired on Thursday. LOL.

    We had a wonderful night of talking.

    And he said….”You know…you are all mine….no one elses….” I melted. And so I told him “Yes, I know. And you are all mine, no one elses.”

    It was awesome.

    This man and I on paper are exact opposites. Everything and everyone who saw us from the outside would think we are crazy to be together. But here we are, and I cant say anything other than when I am in his presence I simply melt. I become the best possible version of me when I am with him. Now, I need to work on being my best possible version away from him and quieting down the negative voices.

    He said last night, I want to be with you and think about you all the time. I looked at him like he was crazy. I said incredulously….”YOU DO??!” And he laughed and said yes, of course, dont you know that? I said, no I dont know that. He is like….well, you should. I told him he needs to tell me that all the time because I will never get tired of hearing it.

    I am so glad I didnt pressure him about not coming out on Thursday. I’m so glad I didnt mention it on Friday during the day. I’m so glad that I LEFT THE OARS IN THE BOAT for HIM to row. I’m so so glad.



  237.  #237Indigo on May 4, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Zara

    I know I have complimented you already, but your words, especially in 226, make me feel so strong.

    This is a bit by bit process for me, becoming free emotionally from the man who has tied up my emotions for the last 2 and a half years. I feel stronger and freer than ever before, yet there is still work to be done.

    At the moment I am working on the issue of rejection, and how crazy it is as a wonderful, caring, beautiful woman, to feel rejected when a man can’t do intimacy.

    Your words help. Thank you



  238.  #238k2012 on May 4, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Zara -224.”I feel curious to know how you felt during the 9 months.” Zara my dear, I don’t know how I did it. I kept thinking that things would get better but then things didn’t start out good any way. And usually things would start out good but it didn’t. But I kept trying and before I knew 9 months had passed and I got tired of trying, plus when he told me that he wasn’t interested in marriage, I lost interest after a time.” Thanks so much for your encouragement Zara. Yes I went to another man again who. Was not emotionally available either and who only wanted to chat on his computer. (Shaking my head). Yeah man I stopped it quickly. But as I am typing this, I am wondering if I am always choosing emotionally unavailable men, Zara, I don’t know. Apart from the man who says he didn’t want marriage and the man who only wanted to chat on his computer and didn’t want to move to the phone (overseas cd), disappearing ex who was the last real relationship I had, I found out from my good female friend who has a spiritual gift that he has not healed. She told me from things were hunky dory with him but I didn’t remember. I had absolutely no idea that he had not healed as there was no evidence to suggest in actions or words that he didn’t heal from his broken marriage. Not even when he disappeared, the question of his not healed yet crossed my mind. As he said to me that his friends helped him to get over it. How do I stop choosing emotionally unavailable men? Dominique and Rori (not sure if Rori will answer). But as the experts I am asking for an answer to this question as a pattern seems to be establishing with me. ” I want a man excited to make good time for me and free to make good time for me and to include me pretty fast in his family and social agenda rather than wait for the children to be out of the way to meet me.” Quite so Zara.



  239.  #239Daria on May 4, 2013 at 9:41 am

    yahooo!!!! i’m feeling alive and learning more and more about health health health

    and feel goo vibes



  240.  #240Daria on May 4, 2013 at 9:44 am

    I’m gonna take a phat amount of CoEnzyme Q10



  241.  #241Daria on May 4, 2013 at 9:45 am

    eat that is. im gonna eat it… lol



  242.  #242MovingMagic on May 4, 2013 at 10:22 am

    So, I’m beginning to understand circular dating at a different level. I’m dating a guy & am sexually exclusive with him. I feel connected when I’m with him but honor myself by staying committed to whatever I have going on in my life. I don’t structure my awesomeness around him at all. I go out dancing with my ladies, bond with friends, go to concerts, have coffee & lunch dates…& it feels so liberating. Pressure free is the way to be! I feel excited about this discovery. There’s a peace that radiates within, a sigh that escapes my lips



  243.  #243k2012 on May 4, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Post 236:”Not even when he disappeared, the question of his not healed yet crossed my mind.” Correction: should read: not even when he disappeared, the possibility that he didn’t heal from his broken marriage did not cross my mind at all. It was when my friend told me last sunday, I realized that that could have been ONE of the reasons why he started pulling away and finally disappeared. And I didn’t even remember that she had told me the same thing when things were going well. Anyhow the first time she told me was when he started his disappearances for a few days, there would be no way that I would have forgotten. There was someone before disappearing ex who I use to talk to long distance who from his utterances clearly did not want a relationship. He was not healed and when I jokingly asked him, in an effort to find out if he was seeing someone cause I was interested in him, he told me that some ladies in his church liked him but they were angels on the outside and devils on the inside. I was shocked. He said that he is not very good at relationships so right away. It was clear to me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship either. Zara I hope u are seeing this. He was crystal clear also Zara. AND I LISTENED. He stopped writing afterwards. I wouldn’t call that disappearing cause unlike disappearing ex who I reconnected with afterward (knew him before) on facebook, that guy and myself did not reach relationship stage. But disappearing ex did as the name ex suggested. Well ladies, although my work load has been reduced at this time of the year, I still have something I need to finish.



  244.  #244Indigo on May 4, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Yay! I have a date with a new guy tomorrow afternoon.

    The guy who phoned me on Wednesday night, yesterday, and again this evening.

    As I was talking to him, I remained curious about what he was saying, I consciously opened up as we were talking.

    It will feel nice to get dressed up and meet someone new…



  245.  #245Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 10:50 am

    April Rose – 207 – What wonderful revelations though. You’ve been doing this to yourself, and now that you have the awareness, you can change this. It may very well be what’s needed to shift this in him.

    xxoo



  246.  #246Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 10:52 am

    April Rose – 210 – Another important revelation. 🙂
    We tend to repeat old patterns, be attracted to what we are familiar even if it feels bad until the awarness come in.

    xxoo



  247.  #247Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Indigo – 214 – And remember that we all say stupid things sometimes, things which come out wrong, or things which are taken the wrong way or things we are sensitive to for whatever reason even when not meant as an assault. If it’s an anomaly, feel hurt, love on it, and work to let it all go. If it’s a pattern with the person, then you may need to rethink to relationship.

    xxoo



  248.  #248Elsie on May 4, 2013 at 11:00 am

    @Moving Magic – Good for you! That is what I had to learn too – that the reason circular dating works is partly because the focus is OFF him, and onto YOU. That can work without circular dating as well, as long as you shift focus and make yourself important. Its hard for me to do and doesnt come naturally but wow, it feels good when I do it!



  249.  #249Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Elsie – 234 – And if he doesn’t say it, even if never again, whenever you feel down or insecure or some other bad feeling feeling around him and the relationship, SUMMON up those words, and keep telling yourself that this is YOUR TRUTH.

    xxoo



  250.  #250Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 11:04 am

    k2012 – 236 – Have you looked inside to see if maybe there are aspects of emotional unavailability within you?

    xxoo



  251.  #251Rori Raye on May 4, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Funny – Welcome – and this is HUGE – I’m going to write an entire post about it. Basically…please stop thinking of HIM as the “creative” person in this relationship. You have to sit down, lie down, percolate on how YOU would like this to look: What would make meals, sex, hanging out, being together: FUN! Fun and sexy! He is not in a position to figure this out. He just feels overwhelmed.

    There are MANY things! take a class where you learn how to freeze an entire months’ worth of meals for the two of you. Get snacks that are good for you and almost full meals. Cook for yourself at odd times and save the leftovers for him. Get a convection oven you can have on all the time without heating up the regular oven – cut up vegs and fruit and have them available for fruit salads and cooking. Use your creativity here! Dress up different around the place! Many, many ideas here. I know what it’s like to live with a man 24/7 with us both working from home, and I know what it’s like to have no “boundaries” about work, but simply trust myself to work when I feel like working, play when I feel like playing. That’s the joy of this gift of working together. Love, Rori



  252.  #252Rori Raye on May 4, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Francesca – Welcome, I give you a big hug, and ask you to please consider that this man is nothing to you, and has nothing For you. Please keep doing what you’re doing dating other men, and just drop them if they don’t seem to be incrementally pursuing commitment. Men of this age either want a live-in-girfriend/wife, or they’re committed to their “freedom” and don’t know how to be any other way. Your job is to incrementally move them closer and closer to commitment by making it so attractive, and so “free,” that they automatically choose you over their “freedom.” Exclusivity is for when a man is doing it all nicely and moving along in the direction you want to go – you feel good about him and what’s going on. Then you take the exclusivity risk. It doesn’t work in reverse. Love, Rori



  253.  #253Indigo on May 4, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Francesca 213

    It would be so wonderful to see you increase in self-esteem to the point that you no longer wonder what you did wrong with this man, or how to fix it.

    I feel so sad for the awful roller coaster you have been on, and I hope you stay in this wonderful community of sirens and let us beef you up so you realise love should not be like that!



  254.  #254Indigo on May 4, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    What was particularly nice with the phone call with this new guy today was, that after we had talked for a little while, he said “so what else can you tell me?” And I said “I don’t really want to get into very long conversations with people I’ve never met, it feels overwhelming. What do you think?” And he immediately asked me out 🙂



  255.  #255BeLoved on May 4, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I’m feeling good, strong, calm today.
    My awareness is heightening, I am growing, changing, metamorphing, transforming…
    Last night I chose to stay home and be with myself, and really really really STAY with myself.
    A LOT of profoundly uncomfortable feelings came up, and I hung in there, staying with myself, refusing to abandon myself or fight the feelings.
    I felt, many many many times as if I might die, suffocate, a lot of rage and anger emerged and I felt it fill me up
    I felt a deep acceptance for myself. I tend to be negative by nature, I see the gaps where others don’t, I see the empty spaces, I tend to be negatively polarized and I feel love and acceptance and appreciation for myself. I am supposed to be this way, I have a place in the world and in the universe and, it isn’t bad and there is nothing wrong with it.
    I have known a few men who LOVED my negativity, and I felt so ashamed when they would say that and look at me admiringly, I hated that they saw that in me, called it out, and had the audacity to love and admire that about me.

    Negative space: The use of equal negative space, as a balance to positive space, in a composition is considered by many as good design. This basic and often overlooked principle of design gives the eye a “place to rest,” increasing the appeal of a composition through subtle means. The term is also used by musicians to indicate silence within a piece.

    🙂

    I paced and paced and paced through the night, walking off the energy being released.

    I having a wonderful time turning away the men who have nothing to offer online.
    “I’m not looking for a chat or text or email buddy or casual sex hookup.”
    Next 🙂
    No IM’ing, no letting men draw me into long, revealing conversations via email, after 4 emails if they haven’t moved toward a date, then – NEXT.
    No d*cking around here, I and my time are much to precious to squander on men who want to chat me up but aren’t interested in loving me.

    OH
    and, I remember a few weeks back, someone was having trouble paying for minutes on her spare phone for online dating –
    I got a free number using Google Voice, so I can give someone a number and it comes to my regular phone. I need to reply using an app, texts or voicemails can come to my email, and I can block callers.
    Easy.

    I looked back over my life and noticed a pattern of abandonment – starting with birth, where I felt abandoned by my birth mother, then over and over again by my adoptive parents, and abandoning myself – I have a string of abandoned friendships, projects, businesses, I’m looking at an abandoned mosaic sitting in front of me now…
    I felt abandoned at my son’s birth, when I didn’t know to stand up for myself and demand my son’s father or my mother be there, and I ended up giving birth alone with a near-stranger,
    so I decided, since the theme of my life has been about breaking cycles, that I will stay in Texas until my grandbaby is born. I will be there for my son, I will not abandon him, even if for some reason he wants me nowhere around, my instinct as a mother is that it is important to be available.

    That feels much better.

    It’s so good to see how far I’ve come since less than a year ago.
    I feel so good to know that I’m upgrading and becoming available and worthy of HIGH quality men and relationships.
    I’m learning to discern the difference between the uncomfortable familiar, and real pleasure.

    I’m growing! I’m growing!
    I love it 🙂



  256.  #256April Rose on May 4, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    I’ve been following Carol Allen’s program ”Signs of Compatibility”.
    In it, she says there are some men who will not fight for you (for example when you start Cding). It’s because they want you to be happy, and they perceive you are happier without them, so they do not act or step up.

    WM has his Moon (feelings) in this very sign.



  257.  #257k2012 on May 4, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    252: Rori: “Please keep doing what you’re doing dating other men, and just drop them if they don’t seem to be incrementally pursuing commitment.” Exactly so Rori. You are so right. I couldn’t agree with you move. Francesca- if you don’t mind my commenting on this-but this man doesn’t seem to know what he wants and is confusing you bigtime. When I read your post, it really sounded as if he was confusing you. Continue circular dating u hear until you meet someone who is more deserving of your love and who will give you commitment. This man is “hee hawing” as a friend of mine would say, all over the place. Dominique: ” Have you looked inside to see if maybe there are aspects of emotional unavailability within you?” Dominique when I first read your question maybe about an hour ago, I started thinking hard but I couldn’t see aspects of myself that is emotionally unavailable at all. If I find the right man who wants to commit to me, I am emotionally ready to commit to him. I am always emotionally ready, so why are they (emotionally unavailable men) attracted to me. I am now wondering if its a coincidence. Don’t know. Oh by the way, the long distance guy who my sister was going to put me on to has not called. That’s okay. Hairdresser/spiritual/relationship counsellor has warned me. From a spiritual perspective not to get involved in any more long distance (different countries) that is. Same country that is.so if he doesn’t call its okay.



  258.  #258April Rose on May 4, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Zara,

    Thank you for your insights. Some of what you are saying makes me feel weepy, for I do indeed perceive a power struggle in my relationship.
    I perceive the effect of a man who has given up giving freely. He talks about putting himself first, as if he considers he will otherwise be walked all over.
    I was very bossy at first, before I discovered Rori. Since becoming more feminine and vulnerable, lots of hidden feelings of helplessness have come up in me. He seems to have only contempt for them – I think they remind him of his own helplessness.

    A couple of details are not quite correct, as you have written them. He has no children. And he was never planning to move in with another woman whilst living with me. His work comes first, we live in our workplace (we left my house a couple of years ago) and we have equal standing where we live. We don’t have to pay rent. I can’t see him ever leaving the place. He did have feelings for a woman, and drove seven hours to spend the weekend with her, but she didn’t want him in the end.

    I appreciate so much your deep look at my situation. To my view, there is such a sensitive balance. If I let him make me happy, things are fine. If I go towards wanting more or having a tinge of expectation, it’s like I set myself up for disappointment and misery.

    I don’t even know how much it has to do with him. He reads like a barometer of my own self-love. And not a very forgiving one.

    Sigh.



  259.  #259ALA on May 4, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Indigo – I Love that response for phone calls! I’m going to store that one away for future use. 🙂

    Beloved – That was me! Thank you so much for thinking of me. 🙂 I’m watching the video overview for more info about Google Voice right now. Sounds like it could be something I need to do. I’m so happy!

    I find myself nodding in agreement with what you wrote. I felt like hugging myself last night. It feels embarrassing to write about. But I could really feel the Love I was giving myself, in a way it felt more loving and pleasurable than if a man was hugging me. It was very enjoyable. 🙂

    April Rose – that Carol Allen program feels intriguing. I dont have that fighter instinct in relationships either. I’ve let go of two men I loved dearly, believing it was for the best. Hmmm, what’s that about?!??

    Oh, I forget who was talking about being emotionally unavailable… Dominique? I’m wondering if *I* may have a little bit of that in me. Did some googling about it and I certainly have “walls” and some other clues about avoiding inimacy. I appreciate this awareness! 🙂



  260.  #260angela on May 4, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Wow Beloved 255 I feel inspired and happy for you.



  261.  #261k2012 on May 4, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    Beloved: 255.”I having a wonderful time turning away the men who have nothing to offer online.
    “I’m not looking for a chat or text or email buddy or casual sex hookup.”
    Next 
    No IM’ing, no letting men draw me into long, revealing conversations via email, after 4 emails if they haven’t moved toward a date, then – NEXT.” Slow handclapping. Whoooo!!! Excellent. “I and my time are much to precious to squander on men who want to chat me up but aren’t interested in loving me.”. Whoooo!!! Hi-five for that one Beloved. I said something similar to my sister this morning re online dating. I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time talking to someone online who I am interested in as it is not real. Things should progress to the phone shortly after, as long as it is safe to do so and to a date very shortly after that. So in other words, if we meet online, we should progress to a phone call and a date after, as long as I am willing to meet the man. And the only online relationships I will allow is with men who live in the same country as myself. So bravo to u, beloved. I am so pleased to read your post. Great.



  262.  #262Violette on May 4, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    It’s a beautiful day, the kind of day that makes me wish I was spending it going to brunch and the movies and making love with an adorable man. And I am not dating anyone right now. I went on one date this month and didn’t wish to continue further (although it felt great to have the self-esteem to trust that and act on it), and I got a playery message from J, who I wanted to call back, but didn’t, because I just didn’t want to pick back up with a player. That took a lot of strength, but saved me my self worth, I’m sure.

    I ran into tons of men I’ve dated last month! I went to a party where there were 4 exes, then one where there were 2, One ran past me in the park, I saw 2 at a film festival, I even saw one in a gay bar!…it’s freaking me out! It brings back all these feelings. And it’s been great for taking the time to forgive the past and let go and move on.

    I’ve been going out, but haven’t met anyone interesting who’s asked me out. Maybe I need to get more proactive about going out? I don’t want to exhaust myself either…but this thing of being all alone and remembering the past is a bit much.

    I’m still on my horse though, wearing feminine clothes, listening to beautiful music, being aware of being a girl, and how attractive I am.



  263.  #263BeLoved on May 4, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    ALA – thank you! Because you are the one who gave me the idea to have a separate number! I feel so happy we could help each other!

    “But I could really feel the Love I was giving myself, in a way it felt more loving and pleasurable than if a man was hugging me. It was very enjoyable. ”

    Yes yes YES!! I feel so good and bubbly and happy when I love myself up, I love the feel of my own skin, to stroke my own hands, caress my own rump, I am my own lover and I am learning to have a hella good time with MEEEE!!! 🙂

    k2012 – Another good thing I learned, is to WAIT to respond, do not answer right away. I won’t respond on weekends. This weeds out nasty men quickly – I got a message this morning, didn’t answer, and just a few hours later he said, “so you can’t answer a question? f*ck you”. He’s even in a totally different state from me. Blocked and reported. How long would it have taken for me to see this side of him if I had responded right away? Blech.

    One guy wanted to argue with me about how he interpreted my profile…and I can not TELL you the immensity of the gravitational pull to defend myself.
    I started about 10 times to write a response, and deleted it – got up, washed dishes, composed another response – over and over again until I finally GOT it – I don’t want to engage with a man who wants to argue with me, I don’t want to argue, let it ride…deleted, moving on, woo-hoo I got a clean kitchen out of the energy, thank you and NEXT 😀

    Also, if they give me their number, I give them mine instead and leave it at that. If they try to keep going by messaging on the site after they have my phone number, I do not respond.

    It feels SO good to feel so clear, so worthy, so SURE that I’m not missing out on anything by saying NO to what I don’t want.

    Right now I don’t want to be sitting on my butt on the couch much longer so I’m going for a walk to walk off all of this energy being freed up..!

    Hugs to all y’all !!!!

    (((((Sirens)))))



  264.  #264BeLoved on May 4, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Angela – thank you thank you, it feels so good to feel acknowledged. I would love nothing more than for people to look at me and my life and my progress and think, “Wow, she managed to make something totally good out of her cesspool of a life, if she can do it, I KNOW I can!”
    😀



  265.  #265seahorse on May 4, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Much love flowing out to all the Sirens!!! Feeling giggly right now thinking of last night. A friends widowed step father joined us and he’s an older man. Science rocket engineer man. Interesting to feel myself realizing that ‘oh! he’s flirting with me!!!’ Teaching me science stuff and asking questions.Light and easy, nothing heavy. I ended up dropping him at his car and he said after we shook hands ‘that he had a great time and he could stare at me all night I am so pretty’. I replied just as natural as it could be ‘thank you that feels nice to hear’. It felt so good to hear that again!!! I did feel the urge to make it better thing though. He was complaining about the prices and I could hear him dropping f bombs about that. I felt giggly because it was strange to have such an intelligent convo going on one level and then hear him doing that…………hhahahahahaha!!! He reminded me of my ex husband on certain levels. I caught that…the ‘oh-no’ feeling in me and breathed low and was present for me. I feel so proud I used my tools…………………..

    And I laughed and looked at bums and thought about biting a few and felt my smile grow with my silliness. And that smile is contagious, for others saw it and partook of the happiness and then they passed it on and on and on it went…… vibes sweet vibes



  266.  #266Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    k2012 – It’s always a good idea to bring things back to you, just to be sure. There is a reason this is showing up for you. There’s something to heal here.

    xxoo



  267.  #267Dominique on May 4, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    ALA – 🙂

    xxoo



  268.  #268Luzydel on May 4, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Something happened today at the conference that kinda changed me inside…

    I never expect to ever see past CD’s after they stop contact. I usually just assume they forgot about me etc.
    Then I saw this guy coming to me and saying there she is, and it was an old CD who I never had anything intimate with, but went on 5 dates with. He is ill (long story) and we started talking and he said “I always think about you in this hard times”, some how I made an impact in this man that after all this time he still remembers me…

    That place was the last place I would have expect to see an old CD. after that I just felt so different, like stop resistance and freakish control and let go, people are not meant to be with me until death do us part… People are like a river that needs to get flowing and moving and existing-they come back and forth some dance around me longer than others, but they are free and flowing and so am I !

    I did met a couple of new men as well… Funny my supervisor said, that I kept the male clientele coming to us lol



  269.  #269Sassy on May 4, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Beloved and Luzydel- you both inspire me! I love reading your posts about your journeys.



  270.  #270Elsie on May 4, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    @Dominique – You are so right. I have started writing down the things he says to me. That way in moments when the negative voices show themselves, I can look back and see in black and white that they are WRONG. It has REALLY REALLY helped me. I’m going to keep doing it and keep reading it.

    Thank you for that – it really resonanted with me!!



  271.  #271Heart on May 4, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Hello Blog – intense emotions have been coming up for me lately. A lot of anger…about all kind of events in my past. I feel the anger and all the other feelings that resurface with it. IIt’s really, really intense…I know feeling your feelings is a good thing but I’m a little disturbed by it. I can’t believe all that rage is in me…
    Any advice?

    I’ve also been meditating and I tired out an Eft video….are those things unearthing it?



  272.  #272prplpsn28 on May 4, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Sad and tired. Very tired. Don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. Just say screw it and walk away? Idk. If I do I’m completely done with dating. Too difficult. Doesn’t seem worth it sometimes. 🙁



  273.  #273k2012 on May 4, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    “Another good thing I learned, is to WAIT to respond, do not answer right away. I won’t respond on weekends. This weeds out nasty men quickly – I got a message this morning, didn’t answer, and just a few hours later he said, “so you can’t answer a question?” Beloved, that’s a good idea. What a rude man! He is out of order. And the other man who was arguing with you, you “sock it to him”. Good. Brite! (As we would say in my country, meaning rude). So u said earlier you have a separate phone number that you give them? Is that it? That’s a good idea too. I will remember some of these ideas. You know I was thinking about your post earlier and another idea came to me that I was going to share and it slipped me. When I remember, I share it. One of my sisters emailed me an article re tips for online dating. As a matter of fact when her mail came in, I noticed that the same mail came in from the site itself cause I subscribed to it. I will read it in between work and post it on here -well small quotes cause I believe we are not allowed to post the full thing.



  274.  #274k2012 on May 4, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Dominique:”There is a reason this is showing up for you. There’s something to heal here.” I am wondering what it is there are some things I want to say to you that I can’t say here. Is there anyway I can get in touch with you privately? Thanks.



  275.  #275Vi on May 4, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    I feel numb. I feel shocked. It feels awesome to notice that. I am here for me….. I love me… I love my cut-loose feeling… I love my sad, I love my upset…. hehe this is so amazing to realize that I really honestly, truly do love them… and I want want me to feel okay too … 🙂 it feels so wonderful to know someone really cares and the person who cares is such a fantastic, beautiful and kind girl like me!



  276.  #276Vi on May 4, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I love my heart pounding. I love my little tension in shoulders… I feel so amused to notice all this…



  277.  #277Vi on May 4, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    I want to write to my girlfriends, I want to call mom…. I want to… do something… and I want to feel my anger and hurt. That would feel so freeing…. I love the feelings I don’t feel. My body is so wise.. I feel cared for… I feel low energy. I feel tired. I feel tiredness in arms and neck.. I love my tiredness. I love me!



  278.  #278Heart on May 4, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    I love my anger!
    I find myself so endearing right now…remembering me in my bathrobe walking around fuming about ancient stuff…I want to give myself a big hug …I love my grouchy



  279.  #279Indigo on May 4, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    Feminine Woman 223

    Thank you. I guess those are our only 2 options: say this doesn’t feel good, and walk away.



  280.  #280Indigo on May 4, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    Dominique 247

    Thank you so much. I think it became a pattern with the people I’m thinking of, and of course you are right, eventually I HAD to distance myself from them.

    I suppose I always found it a little difficult to deal with the feelings of hurt and shame afterwards – I’m an open, gentle person and I like being that way, and I would struggle for a long time afterwards with the idea that someone who loved me would wound me in that way.

    But I suppose other people have their own issues, and it doesn’t usually have anything to do with you.



  281.  #281Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 12:16 am

    Heart 271

    Yes! What we have been taught is to see anger as an undesirable, disturbing emotion – nothing could be further from the truth!

    The fact that anger is coming up for you is a very good thing. Anger is often the first thing to come up when we are doing healing personal work, and becoming more authentic. Even Rori talks about this.

    You suddenly become more aware of the injustice in the world, the injustice you may have suffered, maybe even the injustice you may have inflicted on others. Anger is a very honourable emotion, which doesn’t let anyone get away with bad treatment, and it’s so important to work with it in a constructive way. The wonderful thing about working with your anger is that it removes major logjams in the psyche, and it makes you feel much more free and powerful.



  282.  #282Vi on May 5, 2013 at 12:20 am

    After talking to mom I feel moved and supported and good about myself and totally in masculine energy that I am going to channel right on to my creative project, now…. I love me..



  283.  #283Heart on May 5, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Indigo – Thank you for that…As always I feel very comforted by your words. I felt like maybe I was regressing but now I see it’s not the case. Still, the intense anger coming up is kind of exhausting.



  284.  #284Millie on May 5, 2013 at 12:25 am

    Francesca–I’ve been in your shoes and I know how hard it is! The off and on relationship…where the sex is AMAZING….and the passion feels through the roof…he tells you he loves you….that he will always be there…(even if he really isn’t) yet you feel so connected that you think: this is so great! This man must be crazy to not want this! And he is…He is crazy to not want to be in a relationship with you. You are amazing and deserve everything that you want. The reality is, it’s not the same for him as it is for you. He doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do for him, it doesn’t seem like he even really knows how he feels–and that is not what you want. That’s not good enough for you. The relationship you want is out there……but the longer your energy is with this man, the further out of reach it will be. I’m with you…I have been through being attached to an unavailable man off and on..I know the pain, the pine, the “logic,” the beating yourself up….The sooner you close the door on him, the better. Don’t be his neighbor, don’t be his friend. You can do this. 🙂



  285.  #285smile on May 5, 2013 at 3:58 am

    Wow I feel great! Secure and comfortable 🙂 and…. This is not about a man! This is a feeling I’ve created in myself 🙂

    It’s bank holiday weekend. Amb has been working hard all weekend and is resting and chilling alone, we have plans in a few days. Ive taking this time out to really love myself. To rest and catch up in jobs.

    In the past I used to get anxious and pouty if I wasn’t spending time with my boyfriend. Yes it would be ideal to spend the holiday together but it doesn’t fit with his work schedule so the day after is great with me.

    All my friends are out with their boyfriends or going away for the weekend including my family. Normally I would be jealous and felt left out but today it doesn’t.

    I feel proud of myself for getting to this point. Yey me 🙂
    I love me time 🙂



  286.  #286smile on May 5, 2013 at 4:25 am

    Hi sirens… Just wondering… I’ve read in roris work about bridging… What is this? I would love for someone to give me more info on this. Thanks 🙂



  287.  #287April Rose on May 5, 2013 at 4:40 am

    Thank you again Dominique,

    I feel hopeful that seeing my patterns will be enough to bring about a shift.

    This morning I realised the pain I felt when my Dad would be unavailable (often). It made his attention all the sweeter. Yet still I felt pain and longing when he was distant.

    The second realisation was this: I *have* had men come towards me and give me constant attention. I rejected or ridiculed them. I believed they were not doing things properly. Not like my Dad!!!!

    Wow. Please may this change now. Haahha – I feel silly and giggly and foolish and sweet…



  288.  #288April Rose on May 5, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Smile,
    You sound great!
    I’m not sure what bridging is exactly, but I think Rori’s programme “Commitment Blueprint” is all about bridging.



  289.  #289smile on May 5, 2013 at 5:43 am

    I found it 🙂

    I’m giving “dating” a new name. Because the old idea of dating just simply doesn’t fit and work.
    I’m calling dating: THE BRIDGE.
    Dating really is just a “bridge”. It’s the place where you start to “co-create” the Real Relationship you want with a man, taking into account all the things that he is IN REALITY.
    And sharing with him all the things YOU truly are.
    So you can think of The Bridge as many things: The Bridge To Love, The Bridge to a Real Relationship, The Bridge over the Pit of Lies, The Bridge over the Trap of  “Just Friends” and The Bridge over the Dead-End of “Casual Dating.”
    It will be, for you, The Bridge that starts the moment you find yourself in an Imaginary Relationship, and takes you all the way to a Real Relationship.
    From now on, your Bridge will be one of the ways to get yourself and the man in your life into the Real Relationship you want.
    So now that you’re starting to see a new way of creating the love life you want that will feel great and work for you, I need to ask you to do something important-
    I need you to make an agreement with yourself. And that agreement is to “Bridge,” and stay out of living in that Imaginary Relationship space at all costs, for your own good, so that something REAL can be created. And until it is, you’re clear about what you are living.
    This means that if you’re NOT in a Real Relationship, you will either be single and dating several men all at the same time (yes – you can!), or you’ll think of yourself as Dating Yourself (more about how to do that later).
    And until that ONE MAN steps up to claim you as the woman he loves and wants to be with forever, and you agree, you will be BRIDGING!
    This image of a Bridge has a lot of great visuals and ideas attached to it, and I’m going to be teaching a great many new Tools around the concept.
    For now, just think about it.
    When you feel trapped in a “relationship” that’s confusing, that’s uncertain, and maybe even painful, you don’t have to choose between staying and breaking up.
    You can choose to BRIDGE.
    It’s a way of doing the Rori Raye Third Way when you’re invested in being with a man, even if the relationship isn’t completely satisfactory and you feel torn between leaving or staying.
    BRIDGING can be about Dating Yourself, or dating other men (I’m just talking coffee, lunch, dinner and walks, here, and not sex, so it’s not quite as scary as it sounds).
    Bridging can be just about THINKING about all the options you have out there.
    It can be about Loving Yourself while you walk, dance, glide, fly, swim, float and have fun across the BRIDGE with every man you spend time with until you arrive, feeling great, at the place on the RELATIONSHIP TIMELINE called a REAL RELATIONSHIP.
    And don’t worry. if all this seems like so much new stuff, or “work”. it’s actually quite easy.
    Whether you’re seeing many men or just one right now, I’ll help you find a way to Bridge to the relationship you want.



  290.  #290smile on May 5, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Thanks April Rose :))))) xx



  291.  #291smile on May 5, 2013 at 5:49 am

    “And until that ONE MAN steps up to claim you as the woman he loves and wants to be with forever, and you agree, you will be BRIDGING!”

    Amb has stepped up, told me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. I’m going to bridge though until this looks and feels how I want it too. At the 6 month point it’s feels exactly how I want it too and it’s moving forward all the time.

    I won’t live with him until he is divorced. He’s separated 3 years now and divorce is on the cards now he’s met me. I think from what he’s talked about he wants to live together around Xmas and I have my boundaries around this. For me he can’t commit to me whilst he has a legal connection to someone even though their relationship is finished and in the past. Hmmm…



  292.  #292k2012 on May 5, 2013 at 6:28 am

    Re 273: the idea that I had I just remembered it. In the same way u can give the online men a separate phone number, which is what I believe Beloved was talking about, you can give them a separate email address. Create a new email address and give to them as u don’t want to give them your real email address so soon.



  293.  #293April Rose on May 5, 2013 at 6:32 am

    “For me he can’t commit to me whilst he has a legal connection to someone even though their relationship is finished and in the past. ”

    Wow, thanks for this, Smile.
    I’m trying it on for size. Thinking up a speech for WM that says whilst he has a legal connection to someone else, I’m still just dating him (and therefore open to other dates aswell). Yes, I like that. Brilliant.



  294.  #294prplpsn28 on May 5, 2013 at 7:05 am

    I think I’m just done! Done with everything. Tired of feeling frustrated and let down constantly. Few on here have said that what H said to me a few months back indicates that we are in a comitted and exclusive relationship but I often doubt this. Doesn’t always seem like it. Maybe I’m expecting too much? Idk. I’m just sick and tired of feeling this way. Sometimes wonder after 19 months if I’m just wasting my time.



  295.  #295Dominique on May 5, 2013 at 8:03 am

    k2012 – 274 – Yes of course you can message me privately. My site has a contact page.

    http://sexandheart.com/contact

    xxoo



  296.  #296Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 9:23 am

    I had just about the most wonderful first date I’ve had in a long time.

    The guy was gentle and sweet, and concerned with my wellbeing. It lasted for 3 AND A HALF HOURS! And he was interesting and comfortable and easy to talk to. I felt gently drawn in to him, yet determined to not make more of it than it was. He asked before the date was over when he could see me again, and I said to call me tomorrow night, which he said he would.

    Wow, just loveliest first date in ages!



  297.  #297joan T on May 5, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Hello! It been 7 month, I have not seen him, no contact
    with him, he huged me for a long time, whispered in
    ear, he was really closes to my. When we where talking
    about our relationship, a women came in the Church.
    Started to talk about her family problems, Cancer, Divorce, Etc. I think we where think the same thing.
    I think he was about how we stayed friends since 1978.
    We are still friends, I think because everyone we know
    calls him “(TROUBLE)”. I think he like the way we are.
    He works staff member of our Church, so I must let
    him make a living. Let someone asked me to pray
    for them. So I send a check down to the Church, so
    he can save me some money on gas, and put the
    money in the Poor Box. I send 5 or 10 dollars, I can
    check my bank statement. And I know he does it,
    I made us on the same prayer team. P.S. I sent him
    free.



  298.  #298joan T on May 5, 2013 at 10:22 am

    I have been think a lot, we two have been friends
    longer then a lot of marriage. I look up the rate of
    divorce, it very high, second time a lot more. We both
    know life is tough. but we know we are here for each
    other. So he hurt me with words, maybe that was a good thing.



  299.  #299Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Heart,

    I feel very glad you were comforted. Emotions can be exhausting. Remember to take good care of yourself and get enough rest and good food, and to surround yourself with people who support you.



  300.  #300Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Purple,

    I am sure others have suggested it, and I’m not sure how open you are to the idea, but this is a very good time to circular date. As Rori would say, it is the only thing that will make you feel better.

    Rori teaches that women are not meant to be committing their whole hearts and emotions until a man is “all in”.

    hugs



  301.  #301Lisa on May 5, 2013 at 11:23 am

    @ Indigo

    That’s wonderful you had such a great first date!… 🙂



  302.  #302Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Thanks Lisa! <3

    I feel all glowy still 🙂



  303.  #303Lisa on May 5, 2013 at 11:42 am

    “M” and I had our first weekend sleepover. Certainly wasn’t as romantic as I’d wished for.. as I suspected he had really only planned the breakfast and to take me dancing,hiking and shooting… but we ended up in bed talking until almost 2p on Sat. Which was GOOD! He ask me what was still weighing heavy on my heart… ( great movement forward) and I told him. We talked honestly. He told me that he felt I dropped a bomb on him the other night that felt like too much. He ask me why I hadn’t said something earlier, I said I’ve been telling you for weeks now how I felt… ( using feeling messages… he didn’t get it) he said I didn’t really GET that you were that serious. I ask him why. We talked about how sometimes “men” have selective hearing. He ask if we could have a code word or phrase that would let him know this is serious stuff. We decided on “something is weighing heavy on my heart”. He said now I feel good about things… I feel good we talked. He ask me what was deal breakers for me… I told him… that was nice. He said I’m trying and I said I know you are, and I love that about you. It makes me feel loved. He meditated and then came out to take me dancing and then started a conversation ( He said that he said to himself “Lisa has been upfront and honest with you, it’s time you do the same for her”) So he told me why he had been feeling distant and wanting to keep the relationship on hold. He felt that things were out of balance for him not getting home from dates until really late and having a hard time focusing at work.. and it was wearing him down. We talked a long time and really just was blunt and honest and vulnerable … it almost came to ending the relationship, b/c I wasn’t going to compromise more than I felt I could… and he realized that I was seriously about to end it… then he came back with his ideas of how things might work… I was so proud of him. He said “I feel funny after being so open and vulnerable with you, but I’m so glad that I am and I feel safe doing it with you.”

    I’d say that was a huge, huge step forward in our relationship. I’m glad now that my need for a hotel weekend, wasn’t expressed and I decided that experience was more important than event, like Rori says… Now that he feels he has everything on the table … he feels good about us again. I told him while looking into his eyes ” It feels so good to have you back”. The deep connection was there again, and I realized that was why I was feeling so insecure and scared.

    I’m learning that this man “loves me” he really does. And me setting boundaries is bringing us closer and makes me feel more secure in myself. Being willing to love him deeply and still walk away, felt very self loving to me… and he noticed it. I remember what Rori said about that.

    What an amazing journey I’m on with “M”.



  304.  #304Lisa on May 5, 2013 at 11:43 am

    @ Indigo ! I know the feeling …. that is awesome and keep that glowing feeling going…

    Go Girl!

    <3



  305.  #305Francesca on May 5, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Thank you Rori, Indigo, and Millie.
    Your support actually makes a world of difference.
    I did not contact him for 2 days after pouring my heart out and he called yesterday. I did not call back. I did not know what to do. Finally at the end of the day I texted back. I texted that I was doing fine and it was best that we not talk. But somehow even that felt terrible. No contact gave me strength and engaging with him at all, knowing the games he would play regarding when he would call or text back, how he would turn to another woman for attention if I withdrew mine…..ugh!! Lesson is I should not have responded to his call at all, but my compulsion to be nice made me do it. Hopefully next time I will just ignore him and honor that it doesn’t make me feel good to talk to him.
    No neighbors, no friends. I think I need to join this community permanently. You ladies are great!
    Thanks.



  306.  #306joan T on May 5, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    It is me again, sometime in the future, The places for
    Mental Health apartment is going to have a opened house, and a bash, and it is down at my family’s ancientor Church , my Great Grandfather builded this
    Church, right across the street is my where my family
    settled in this country. . Will is a good or bad
    to ask him if he wants to be apart of this. I mean he works there, so and he knows my family, I think he will
    say “NO”. This is how much I just think of him. I must
    think make him feel Happy, All his life he has give that name Trouble. Why is he around the things I care about. Will he knows we will met again. Why?
    Please help me. Thank you and God Bless



  307.  #307Violette on May 5, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Indigo I love that you had a great date. Great dates are the best!

    Today I am dating myself, focusing on investing myself fully and with joy in everything I do, so that my attention is all on me, and so that I feel filled up.



  308.  #308Millie on May 5, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Francesca, I’m so glad you found the advice helpful! I’m new to the blog community as well and I’m loving it! I haven’t had a lot of time to write many responses, but it feels good to read about each other’s experiences and how we all engage with relationship trials and tribulations. I learn so much just by reading. I feel closer to myself and love the sense of community established on here.

    No contact is a difficult step–I’m glad you felt strong doing it! It’s easy to place blame on yourself with “should have’s” but I would encourage you not to:
    “Lesson is I should not have responded to his call at all, but my compulsion to be nice made me do it. Hopefully next time I will just ignore him and honor that it doesn’t make me feel good to talk to him.”

    It’s great that you are seeing that your urge to respond came from a desire to be “nice” instead of a desire to communicate your truth. Being feminine is about responding, perhaps next time a more true-to-you response would include a feeling message about how you do not feel good talking to him.



  309.  #309LaReysa on May 5, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Rori…somebody help !
    I’m desperate! Me and my ex of one year broke up a month ago and I’ve been in the worst state of depression since! To the point where I want to give everything up! I’ve been trying to get thru to him but he says I need to change. We were living together so its weird not waking up to him. He was ignoring me the first 2 weeks but now he’s talking to me a little bit. I know he’s talking to other women and I’m talking to other men but I can’t shake him off. I love him soooo much and he knows this. We texted today and he suddenly stopped texting and I all I told him was how much I’m going to change for him if we ever got back together. I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable. I’m not sleeping or eating. I just want things back to the way they were. He says I need to change but how will he ever know if we barely talk ? I give him enough space, I just want my baby back !

    Help !
    Hopeless



  310.  #310smile on May 5, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Ug 🙁 I felt amazing today but now my negative vibes are eating away at me.

    Dominique I’ve loved them and moved them on but they keep coming back up for me time and time again. My negative suspicions that he’s texting/messaging other women. He’s at work now and he texed me that its mad busy. I can see he’s been on whatsapp and Facebook though.

    I keep telling myself ‘I choose trust’
    Everything he does makes me feel amazing. I couldn’t want for anymore at the minute.

    Is this my stuff that keeps coming up around this I wonder?



  311.  #311Dominique on May 5, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Well Smile – Love on them some more because they will continue to come back and haunt. And they always will. Part of the human condition I suppose. BUT they do get softer in tone for the most part, and they will come to visit less often.

    And when they do, more so in this kind of situation, summon up the most recent memories you have when you felt SO good with him, when he was lavishing his love and attention on you, whatever it is that YOU know is your truth. And yes keep choosing trust as well.

    xxoo



  312.  #312Rori Raye on May 5, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    LaReysa – I’m so sorry this has happened to you – and now I’m going to be “tough.” Please don’t read if you don’t want to hear it:

    He’s asked you to change. I don’t know what that means, but from your letter – I think you do, and your depression, your obsession with him, your desire to beg him to come back – this is all stuff that needs to change. Being so wrapped up in someone just pushes them away. Love, Rori



  313.  #313Millie on May 5, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    @LaReysa–I’m curious to know in what way has he said he wants you to change?



  314.  #314angela on May 5, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Im worried I will attract men who will do no good in my life, because I do not love myself 100%.
    I am scared I will meet my perfect guy and I will always be trying not to lose him.
    I will always be holding back from loving him- because isn’t that what pushes men away?- too much love?
    I am worried that leaning back will always be something that I need to do to get love.
    Will that be the case?
    I will never be able to just be.
    I am worried so worried but I am more closer I can feel it.
    I’m scared of saying it but I DO want true love a beautiful kind of love a healthy love.
    I do not want it to be a struggle though.



  315.  #315k2012 on May 5, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Hi Dominique. I sent private messages to u on your site not so long ago and commented on your blog.



  316.  #316LaReysa on May 5, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Thanks Rori.
    I guess we had bad communication. I nagged him sometimes & I guess he was tired of the fussing and fighting.



  317.  #317Pretty Fish on May 5, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Hey gorgeous Sirens,
    I don’t know if any of you have read Daring Greatly?
    I haven’t but want to get it after watching this talk:
    She STUDIES vulnerability. And she is funny. And watching this feels great.
    Enjoy!
    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

    LOVE



  318.  #318prplpsn28 on May 5, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    @Dominique….your article “your uncommunicative man” so resonates with my situation. How do I help myself so that I’m not totally freaking out when I don’t hear from him and he doesn’t communicate? And i start thinking he doesn’t care. As I did this wknd (refer to earlier posts).



  319.  #319Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Lisa,

    Thank you 🙂 I still feel that way this morning – it’s been so long since I’ve had a date I enjoyed so much. He was attentive, and he paid, and he texted me about an hour after I got home. Just enjoyed the experience 🙂



  320.  #320Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    Violette 307

    Aren’t they just! And yay for dating yourself! That is just so important 🙂



  321.  #321Indigo on May 5, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    LaReysa,

    I would also be curious as to what your ex wanted you to change. If it had anything to do with nagging, being clingy, needy, pressuring him etc., then the cure would be to take the focus off of him and create a beautiful life for yourself with your own interests that you can be passionate about.

    It is no good giving a man space if you are still thinking, obsessing, wondering about him, making him the focus… they can feel it.



  322.  #322Tereana on May 5, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Hi Ladies – So many new sirens on the blog! 🙂

    I am writing to just get my thoughts/feelings/emotions out from a big trigger-fest I had today. Totally unplanned!

    I’d been texting back and forth since last Thursday with a guy I met at a special event. It was actually a really cool thing, where a bunch of women sat in an inner circle, and there were some men (fewer, but quite a few), who sat in an outer circle and “held space” for us to talk about what it is like to be a woman, and what we need from the masculine. It was really amazing. And the whole time, I kept staring at this one man, thinking he was cute, but I wasn’t sure. But I sure did hope he would talk to me at the end of the evening. Well, finally, he did, and we really connected. It turned out that we kind of sort of knew each other already (but not really). And he gave me a ride home and also bought me dinner, because we were both starving. Then he walked me home, and kissed me good night, and it was really nice. I felt turned on, and afterward felt so excited.

    But over the weekend, his texts were getting more and more sexual. I was starting to feel a little nervous about it, but they weren’t bad – until he said something about choking. And then I was like “What?…” That was over the line.

    I started shaking and crying. He really scared me.

    He wasn’t serious. He even backtracked, and said he thought I might be “too innocent” to answer. But by then, *I* was over the line – as in, my own line of feeling comfortable. I was trying to keep it together, but I actually got kind of mean. I was angry.

    But luckily, my aunt was here this weekend, and we had a chance to sit down and talk. She listened to me, and I felt really heard and supported.

    Also luckily, I have an appointment to talk with someone tomorrow to help me with these horrible triggers. I don’t know where they are coming from, but it is really getting to be a problem. I lost my appetite tonight and couldn’t eat, except for something small. My brain felt like it was in a fog, and I couldn’t concentrate. And I am just tired all the time. I can’t rest, I can’t relax, and no matter what, I can’t get enough sleep, even if I sleep for 12 hours, or spend the entire day in bed (which I can’t do). Ugh.

    Well, I guess I don’t need to hear from him again. I suppose this was all just meant to be. He was meant to be there, to give me this trigger, so that I can go to my appointment tomorrow with a real purpose, and knowing (almost) exactly what it is I want to work on.

    This is so awful. Not only do I not like going through this, but it is so damaging to any relationship that I ever want to have. It makes me feel so sad and lonely :`(

    I still feel sick to my stomach, and am going to take something for my headache and go to sleep.

    Good night, sirens….



  323.  #323janie baby on May 5, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    hello sirens.

    I’m feeling a little insecure today about my relationship. I’m only 22 though and my bf is 23, i’m not looking for marriage, but because i have been with him so long (for me atleast over 2 years is long) and knowing how he acted when he was SOOO IN LOVE – calling me all the time wanted to hang out EVERY DAY. and now our schedules are very different. he doesn’t need to see me every day nor does he need to talk to me for a day or two. i don’t really NEED that eitehr but i feel insecure about it. then i also feel insecurea bout feeling insecure. like even though i’m not looking for marriage i don’t know if it’s worht it to stay in this relationship.

    I was reading an article by EMK earlier and it was saying if he doesn’t call everyday he’s just no that into you.

    I don’t know. what do you ladies think about this?
    also when i was talking to my guy friend today who is 36 he was all “Wait what he doesn’t call you everyday??” and i said “oh no..” and he said “oh wow lots of red flags”

    We are also growing apart because he works every night mostsly (except mondays) and i have school during the day so i feel like our lifestyles are SOOO different. i don’t know. it makes me sad.

    I feel insecure. what do you all think?



  324.  #324janie baby on May 5, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    (((Tereana))) hugs! xoxo



  325.  #325Zia on May 5, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    So my ex is getting his stuff this Saturday. I know it’s for the best and will allow me to move on, but I still feel miserable 🙁



  326.  #326Emerson on May 5, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    Requesting some feedback…

    a guy wants to talk to me and asks in text when can he talk to me??…and I respond for example I am free tomorrow after 3pm…
    Then no call… Sometimes poof…
    Am I being too direct and answering this question the wrong way? What is up?



  327.  #327smile on May 5, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Thank you dominique,

    “And when they do, more so in this kind of situation, summon up the most recent memories you have when you felt SO good with him, when he was lavishing his love and attention on you, whatever it is that YOU know is your truth.”

    This bits easy, there’s soooo many I can think of 🙂 so many lovely times I’ve felt amazing around him. I’m having a lie in this morning so I’m going to lie here and enjoy remembering all these feelings.



  328.  #328smile on May 5, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Hi Emerson, you did nothing wrong, he asked you answered. Who knows why he didn’t call? Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to think of reasons why, there literally could be thousands!
    I’ve been practising melting, a good opportunity might have been to tell him you felt excited about recieving his call or you were looking forward to hearing his voice… Just an opportunity I saw to do this, I thought I’d share with you 🙂



  329.  #329smile on May 6, 2013 at 12:32 am

    (((Janie baby)))

    I can feel your insecurity, chances are he can too. Do you know the fly paper tool? It feels like your hanging on to him asking him to stick. I don’t like to give advice but this is what I would do. Try my best to distract myself from the fact that he hasn’t called. I’d take the focus right off ‘thinking’ about him. You deserve to have his love and attention. Then, when I’m not coming from a place of insecurity, as its been 2 years, I would share my wants and desires with him.
    ‘Aw, do you remember when… I miss that…’

    At the age of 24, my relationship ended with a guy I’d been with for 10 years, I thought my whole world had ended. Actually That’s when it started.

    I would spend all my time, effort, energy on myself. To get to a fun loving, at peace feeling in myself.



  330.  #330smile on May 6, 2013 at 12:34 am

    ((Terena))



  331.  #331janie baby on May 6, 2013 at 12:41 am

    Thanks for the advice Smile <3 it makes me feel light and airy.

    Just wondering? about me deserving his love and attention.. does that mean that I shouldn't be with him or let time decide?

    He doesn't call me every which makes me miss him and like i don't know his life that well but then he'll do cute things like he works at night as a bouncer right next to wear he lives and cause he doesn't have money to take a cab after at 3 am .. sometimes he'll skateboard after. i found that cute! but then feel doubtful about the calls…

    i really do need to focus on myself again and feel great 🙂 !!!! more yoga this week for me !



  332.  #332Dancing Siren on May 6, 2013 at 1:20 am

    LaReysa,

    I agree with what Rori said.

    I know it’s really tough when you feel like that and the only way forward is to focus 100% on you now!

    When you are feeling better in time, and your vibe is raised again, then see about him, and whether you still want him (you will be surprised what can happen when you start to feel better!). If you do then I am sure something could be happen then.

    And for now it’s about YOU going into yourself to do the work.

    The women here are really supportive, use the blog if it helps. I did / do.

    Also get professional help for the depression.

    Good luck. x



  333.  #333smile on May 6, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Janie baby

    “Just wondering? about me deserving his love and attention.. does that mean that I shouldn’t be with him or let time decide?”

    If it were me I wouldn’t make any decisions either way. But I do sense that he isn’t giving you what you need/want which is causing the insecurity. But you can’t make him give you this. You’ve got to get to a secure place within yourself so that he will have the desire to come toward you again.

    When he doesn’t call, is this making you feel insecure because of your expectations? Can you release expectations around that he will call you everyday? Then when he does call its lovely because your not expecting it. You don’t need to break up with him.

    Do your yoga stuff!! Can you come to the blog with a focus for love for you? Instead of the relationship for a while? Just to take the focus off him? Like writing about things during the day that make you smile? Or that your grateful for?

    I like to think of this blog as a ‘life’ blog, not just about relationships. I’ve stayed around here to work on me. I don’t like to journal so I do it on here instead.



  334.  #334smile on May 6, 2013 at 1:29 am

    I love sunny weather! And today it’s making a rare appearance!! Amb isn’t free till 3, so I’m going to take myself out for a walk and experiment with my camera, whilst basking in the sun rays



  335.  #335Indigo on May 6, 2013 at 3:51 am

    Wow janie baby, what Smile said was absolutely incredible and spot on.

    I can’t help thinking that you are very young to be so intensely involved with someone.

    This is absolutely a time for you, and to explore who you are and your life, and what you love and want to do. If you can learn to make whether a guy phones or not a lot less important now, you will set a wonderful foundation for the rest of your life.



  336.  #336Heart on May 6, 2013 at 5:03 am

    Blog – I’m having huge resistance to change…I’m trying to get out there and be more active but anytime I try to do something different – like join a meet up (something I’ve never done) or start painting again…I feel overwhelming sadness & kind of like a slightly lazy-disheartened feeling…
    Omg…Why? I’m trying to do different things but It’s like I can’t!



  337.  #337Heart on May 6, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I end up just doing the things I normally do…
    I realize I socialize, party etc…but I’m only comfy doing the fun stuff I’ve always done!



  338.  #338Heart on May 6, 2013 at 5:06 am

    This has been happening with me recently…and it’ frustrating & confusing..



  339.  #339prplpsn28 on May 6, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Still haven’t heard from H. Can’t help but feel anxious, sad and maybe even a little untrusting. I know men think differently and it’s not uncommon to not hear from them for a couple days. But can’t help how I feel. Trying to keep busy…but…I can totally relate to Heart with that overwhelming sadness and lazy disheartened feeling. I’m still trying to find a way to get past that feeling of it seeming like things are being done on HIS terms also. I continue to lean back but it’s hard sometimes.

    Also, my #318 post in regards to Dominiques article. It hit home. Any ideas? I soooo need help with the freaking out. I know it’s not good for me and sends too much energy his way. Help!



  340.  #340BeLoved on May 6, 2013 at 6:37 am

    I’m feeling like…committing to staying in TX to be here when my granchild is born, feels a lot like being committed to that guy who isn’t committed to me.
    My son rarely returns phone calls or responds to texts/messages.
    I wonder – why bother?
    I don’t even trust him to let me know when his wife goes into labor – he wants to give me a hard time and play my guilt strings into wanting to be there, but I don’t trust him to do anything on his part to cooperate with me to be sure I’m there.

    Still…
    I don’t think that matters.
    After the baby is born, if I stay here, I believe I can probably drive up any weekend I want to visit.
    And, if, for some reason that doesn’t work out, he moves or doesn’t return phone calls to let me know when they will be home or whatever, at least I know I tried, I know I did what I could do.
    Still.
    Hmm.
    I think I just hit on something there…

    playing on my guilt strings

    Hmm.
    Gonna let this simmer a minute and see what bubbles up.



  341.  #341BeLoved on May 6, 2013 at 6:47 am

    In the meantime – in the past few weeks I have become obsessed with puzzles, brain-training games, and mastering dominoes.

    It’s hard to even remember HOW I could have been so obsessed with a man.
    Ick.
    I feel a lot better trying to figure out puzzles than a mixed-message man.



  342.  #342Veronica on May 6, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I told BM today that I just couldn’t handle being friends with him. It’s so difficult and I can’t stop crying. Intellectually I know that this is good for me, that I’m safe, that I’m acting for my own good, that I should be celebrating myself for being so honest and acting with such honesty, but the pain. I feel like I’m giving up. I know it’s just all the frustration and disappointment pouring out of me. So many emotions! I’m so so tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of my legitimate expectations feeling like unreasonable demands. I can’t stop crying.



  343.  #343Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Emerson if someone asked me “when can we talk” and they tell me tomorrow I am likely to forget or assme that the person is not interested. He just want to talk not meet. Also tomorrow at your time might not be convenient for him, who knows.



  344.  #344Femininewoman on May 6, 2013 at 7:56 am

    janie baby the last man who called everyday sometimes several times a day left me feeling stifled and smothered. Everybody is different but I believe some space is always needed to get some clarity for oneself about your own thinking and feeling.



  345.  #345Millie on May 6, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Hi Heart– do you have a good friend that could maybe join some of these new adventures with you? A good friend could ease the anxiety of being alone trying something new. Plus it could be more fun and allow you to be more of yourself if you are slightly shy. Just a suggestion 🙂



  346.  #346Lisa on May 6, 2013 at 8:31 am

    @Veronica

    I totally get that… {{{hugs}}}}

    Maybe your legitimate expectations are more like “needs”?

    It does hurt when our needs are treated as unreasonable demands… I’ve had that happen also… So proud of you for taking care of YOU! and loving yourself enough to take care of your needs…

    <3



  347.  #347Lisa on May 6, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Just talked to “M” now my stomach is all sick… and I’m feeling like crying….

    so we decided to end out dates earlier so he could get his meditation in and get some sleep. ( totally understandable he needs to take care of himself ) but…. 1 hr….? WOW that feels like a insult.

    I’m feeling really sad….

    after “E” goes to sleep that is 1 hr we have to spend together… that doesn’t feel right..

    I’m getting to the point where…. I just want to give up on this relationship… I’m so tired of the struggles… I’m tired of the low priority and I’m tired of crying… I should be happy and joyful feeling like my man wants to spend more time with me… calls me every day to see how my day has gone … instead I feel like it is just a bunch of negotiations… compartmentalized and scheduled…

    that doesn’t feel right to me….

    I don’t know what to do…. but I know I’m tired of the worry, tired of being sad, tired of feeling like it’s going backwards…

    I tend to want to end things when I feel like this…



  348.  #348BeLoved on May 6, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Lisa

    First thought is – after a few weeks of this, M may realize he needs more time with you and re-prioritize so that he makes more time for you.

    I’m wondering, also, if your needs aren’t being met, is there any reason to stay exclusive with M?



  349.  #349Zara on May 6, 2013 at 9:24 am

    K2012 238 243

    I am glad my expertise brought up to your consciousness the pattern of emotional unavailability.

    Along the weeks, I’ve enjoyed the comments made to you by your hairdresser whom you call expert in relationships and spiritual guide. They are in alignment with Rori’s articles.
    Rori’s work brings up to our consciousness that part of emotional unavailability that traps us into imaginary relationships.
    Even if you can’t afford her programs, her news letter and her blog are a gold mine of articles that can turn you into the expert of yourself.
    I would suggest you start reading Rori’s articles on this blog from the very first in 2008, and to keep reading them one by one. It might take months to read and digest all the articles, but becoming the expert of yourself is the only way to be the driver of your own life.

    xxx



  350.  #350MovingMagic on May 6, 2013 at 9:26 am

    I’m going to talk to AttentiveCd about dating other men. Any pointers ladies?



  351.  #351Zara on May 6, 2013 at 9:36 am

    April Rose 258

    (((April Rose)))

    ***A couple of details are not quite correct, as you have written them. He has no children. .***

    I wrote ” his wife and his children”
    Please take the word “children” out of my sentence. It does not change what I meant and thank you for the new info.

    ***And he was never planning to move in with another woman whilst living with me.***

    I feel certain I read several posts where it says he told you the woman is inviting him to move in with her if their relationship works out. I can’t remember right now which month I read those but, if I do, I will search the posts for you. And for me as it is quite possible I misread them.
    I remember thinking I would not put up with him after he said clearly he is searching elsewhere. Which is the main point.

    *** His work comes first, we live in our workplace (we left my house a couple of years ago) and we have equal standing where we live. We don’t have to pay rent.***

    I wrote : “I feel curious. Or may be I skipped an information and the house you live in right now is paid by him?”
    I knew I had read that he originally moved out of his married home to move in your house. Thank you for making it clear that he did so.
    I knew I had not read informations about the actual logistic of the housing, hence my question. Thank you for answering it.

    *** I can’t see him ever leaving the place.He did have feelings for a woman, and drove seven hours to spend the weekend with her, but she didn’t want him in the end***

    Yes, that’s my point. I remember reading he starting chatting with her because you were Cdating, he told you it was only fair. I also remember that he said he would accept to move in with her if it worked out between them both.

    I feel unsure if you are saying he came back because she does not want him or because he wants to stay close to his work and stay rent free. Whichever the answer to the question, it weeds him out of my suitors.
    I don’t want a man who invests in another woman when I share my needs of commitment with him.
    I want a man to chose me among all other women and not because nobody else wants him. I am not taking another woman’s crumbs.
    I want a man to live with me because he can’t stand being away from me and not because he can’t stand being away from his work.

    ***If I let him make me happy, things are fine***

    I, too, would say if you feel happy, things are fine.

    xxx



  352.  #352Zara on May 6, 2013 at 9:37 am

    You Can Circular Date – But He CAN’T
    Written by Rori Raye 10 August 2010

    Here’s a question from Ankita – and my answer is all about how powerful your ATTITUDE is. How you can’t – NO ONE can be “cool” in a “loosey-goosey,” uncommitted (we’re talking serious marriage-level commitment) “relationship.” A relationship without serious lifelong commitment is just DATING. Really, that’s all it is. It may be wonderful, and it may be what you want, and it might even work for you just fine – but it still is just DATING!

    “Hello Rori & Sirens

    I want li’l help with my confusion on a concept of circular dating/commitment… Unless I clear my confusion, I may not be able to do CD properly…

    I happen to read in one of Rori’s eLetters, where she said, “Tell your man you love him and that you can’t be exclusive right now, write a speech to the man you’re with saying that “he’s entitled to take all the time he needs to decide about committing to a lifelong relationship with you, and that you feel awful waiting around, it’s making you feel insecure and frustrated and you don’t want to feel that way, and that other men are starting to ask you out and you want to feel free to explore your options until he makes a decision.”

    Then as he attacks us, we say, “Well, I don’t want you to date other women, I want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good to me to let you have me all to yourself until you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle your dating other women.”

    I am getting confused at is it marriage I should want or is it he I should want? Or both? And if I’m CDing, why should I stop him from dating others? I guess, the answer is coz am ready to commit to him and he isn’t.

    I find the below two sentences very confusing:-
    1-> other men are starting to ask me out and I want to feel free to explore my options until you make a decision.

    2-> I don’t want you to date other women, I want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good to me to let you have me all to yourself until you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle your dating other women.

    Please clear my confusion. I feel so confused..!! Ankita”

    Here’s my answer:

    Ankita -I know you’ll get help from everyone on the blog around this – but simply – you want your Happy Ever After.

    The commitment of marriage is only one option, but the strongest and the one you most likely would find the most satisfying. This is what you want. You do NOT just want HIM!!!

    If he’s not the one who wants more than anything to share your Happy Ever After, then he’s not what you want.

    Except in the first 3-4 (okay – I’ll stretch it to 6 in some cases…) months of dating someone, if he needs to date other women and doesn’t yet have marriage on the table…that’s HIS choice – but I’d feel pretty certain by then that he’s not zeroing in on you.

    And men zero in quickly – they just may not be ready to COMMIT!

    They like the “girlfriend” thing – who wouldn’t! Sort of “girl on call.”

    Getting the commitment is a leap of faith a man has to be capable of.

    The commitment has to come before he’s SURE in all respects. This is what you want in a man. Anything short of this just isn’t enough.

    The second speech happens if he “attacks” by saying – Well, if you date other men, then he’ll date other women…and it doesn’t work that way.

    Here’s your attitude: You’re only dating other men because he’s not ready to commit. Otherwise, you’d be committed to him.

    And – if he’s not ready, you feel unclear and uncertain if he ever will be, and so you’re merely giving him the space he needs as long as he needs it and taking care of yourself in the meantime.

    You would feel crazy and insecure if you “waited” for him and remained exclusive to him – you wouldn’t be able to keep it together emotionally, and you don’t want to feel insecure and always wondering how he feels.

    You want to feel calm and peaceful, and you want to feel loved.

    You want to trust you are loved.

    And commitment is what makes that possible.

    You don’t want to push him or the relationship, and so you’re taking care of yourself.

    Sometimes you feel confused and queasy and weird and at sea and not sure what to do.

    Can he help? What does he think you should do under the circumstances? As your friend and lover, what would he recommend as the best way for you to take care of yourself until he’s ready?

    Love, Rori



  353.  #353Liquid Light on May 6, 2013 at 9:42 am

    @Lisa

    Try not to bail or check out. This is always my first inclination too when I start to have doubts or when something isn’t working. But I often jump to conclusions that often aren’t true. Try to just be with it and see what unfolds. You will learn a lot about this man in the process, rather than forcing the situation into an outcome just because you are uncomfortable with the unknown. (That’s my pattern anyway.)

    Hang in there, girl!

    (((((((Lisa))))))))



  354.  #354Veronica on May 6, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Lisa – 346 – Oh thank you so much for hugs, they are much needed right now!

    Hm maybe I should think of them as needs. Needs feel like the basic requirement that a partner has to meet otherwise I wouldn’t feel like I was in a relationship. And I only want to be in good relationships. I have to practice much care with this.

    I hope things shift for the better for you – it doesn’t sound like there’s much inspiration present in the compartmentalizing and negotiations.



  355.  #355Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Purple – 318 – What really helped me is talking to myself and/or talking myself down if I was already all worked up and in a state of total anxiety.

    I would summon up the most recent memories when he was being so sweet and loving to me. I would tell myself ALL IS WELL. He’s stressed maybe, busy, preoccupied, distracted. I would remember that men do not multi-task well for the most part and that he can only handle one thing at a time, eg. work or family stuff.

    And I would do my best to live my life in those moments AS IF he’s there and being this way with me when he IS being there and loving on me.

    I would keep reminding myself THIS IS MY TRUTH, not the lies my gremlins were chattering at me so loudly.

    This SO helped me. May not have taken all the anxiety away, and it may not have kept all the voices at bay, yet it helped. And I would keep doing this until I did hear from him.

    Involving yourself in something which feels good to you, fills your time and you up is very useful too.

    xxoo



  356.  #356Lisa on May 6, 2013 at 10:27 am

    @Beloved

    You know I had an opportunity the other night when he was talking what I call “trash” about being wishy washy about the “marriage” thing the night after telling me he wanted to marry me b/c he didn’t want to lose me. I told him in the mean time my profile… he interrupted me and said will stay on “hide”.. I looked at him with the sort of look like oh yeah? but I didn’t say anything… and I would have liked to been able to get out of my mouth “will go back online until you are ready, and take all the time you need”.

    For some reason I didn’t.. I think it is b/c he is such a strong masculine man that I tend to get tongue tied.

    You are correct, after a few weeks of only 1 hr with me 3 times a week, he might decide different. I could lean way back and see how that feels…. last time I leaned back he was hurt and started to feel insecure… but I just told him that he hadn’t let me know he wanted to spend time with me, so I made other plans… he got the point.

    So, since he wants to leave at 9 or 9:30 I could hire a sitter and go out after he leaves… ? Comments on that?

    @LiguidLight I know I tend to jump on the dump them wagon… I need to sit this one out… Thanks for the reminder…

    I could just be totally authentic and be less than excited ( b/c I really am not excited that’s the truth) about his visit tonight… and see what that might bring up for him?

    Suggestions?

    <3



  357.  #357Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:31 am

    janie baby – 323 – Oh my no this is not necessarily so at all. He may or may not be the man for you, but since you aren’t looking for marriage right now, then this doesn’t matter.

    K NEVER called me daily, and he was ever so much into me, like big time. It’s just how he is. Plus men tend to compartmentalize meaning he can only handle one thing at a time for the most part, so if he’s really busy at work for example, he may not call.

    xxoo



  358.  #358Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Emerson – 326 – Your response is fine, perfect even.

    xxoo



  359.  #359Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Smile – 327 – 🙂 <3

    xxoo



  360.  #360Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:37 am

    janie baby – Sometimes, maybe often, the insecurities we women so commonly feel have NOTHING to do with what he is or isn’t doing. It’s OUR stuff coming up and asking to be healed. He may be our trigger, but it’s not about him, it’s about us.

    Not always of course, but I usually encourage to go here first.

    xxoo



  361.  #361Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Heart – 336 – Start small, very, very small. You may just be feeling overwhelm. You may only be able to handle tiny amounts of newness at a time. Try to look at it as exciting, an adventure. This may help.

    xxoo



  362.  #362prplpsn28 on May 6, 2013 at 10:45 am

    @ Dominique

    Thank you so much! I feel so much better just reading your words. 🙂



  363.  #363Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Purple –

    Sending love. 🙂

    xxoo



  364.  #364Lisa on May 6, 2013 at 11:00 am

    @Dominique

    I don’t need him to call me every day, just was thinking that might be another way for us to connect since the dates will be shortened so much. I totally respect his need to meditate and get sleep. On the other hand, cutting our dates in half seems to make it feel like less of an priority.

    By compartmentalizing I meant always having to schedule everything set alarms. I know he works on his spiritual path, so do I but it just feels like he has time for everything else ( even fishing)…. I realize this is partly b/c he has been throwing himself into me for 3.5 mos now and letting a lot of stuff go… sleep, meditation and work. It could be he is just doing just that… a backlash kind of thing…. but when you cut our time in half… it doesn’t feel like moving forward… that hurts…. and yes this man it totally into me.. as much as he tries to hide it ( be stoic ) … it comes out in bits and pieces.

    Oh he is not really that busy with work… he pretty much only works short time in the morning to check his stocks… most of the day he has at his leisure… he works from home…

    I guess it is like Rori says let him do whatever he wants with the relationship and decide if it works for me or not… so I guess that is what I’ll do… as much as it hurts to watch it go backwards… no much I can do about it…

    cry it out… let him go… and love him… see what happens….

    <3 Thanks!



  365.  #365Liquid Light on May 6, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Ugh, I’m feeling myself starting to check out/shut down with the CHP guy…

    We had a date yesterday and it was fun. I do enjoy his company but…ughh..here it is, he was dissing bicyclists on the road. And saying how rude and obnoxious they were! And we’re driving in his huge truck. I felt my stomach sink as I’m one of those liberal environmentalist and it just seems so small-minded and ridiculous to put down bicyclists. If I could, I would be riding my bike everywhere.

    I’m not sure if I should say something, maybe make a joke out of it, or not? Worried that is pointing to a bigger divide between us (me: liberal hippy type, him: conservative, anti-environmentalist, anti-everything that I care about type…exaggerating a little 😉

    He does have a sense of humor though so maybe we handle it in a lighter, teasing way…

    dunno…thoughts?



  366.  #366Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Lisa – 354 – Not sure why this is being addressed to me. I think what he’s done is on the sucky side. I have many thoughts on him along with the latest development, yet what matter is how YOU feel about this. And you feel bad.

    You do indeed get to choose every step of the way if what’s going on is okay.

    xxoo



  367.  #367Dominique on May 6, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Liquid Light – Sure you can mention that hearing this felt bad, that you think riding bicycles is not only environmentally friendlier, it’s also better for one’s health. Responsible riding of course.

    xxoo



  368.  #368Mercedes on May 6, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Lisa: Would he be open to meditating with you toward the end of your date? J and I meditate together sometimes and we really like it…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  369.  #369Zia on May 6, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    364: Lisa I did this…. With the last two guys I were with, I threw all my time and attention at them and let things that were important to me slide (namely meditation, yoga, time to myself). And when I started pulling back and trying to work out how to fit that all in, both of them freaked. It made it difficult for me to find the balance, and anxious because I knew that I wasn’t taking care of myself. Maybe that’s all he’s doing? You might find the pendulum swings back towards him for a while, and the it will settle somewhere in the middle?



  370.  #370Lisa on May 6, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    @Zia 369 OH Thanks for that it really helped!

    I think your right… I think he will bounce back… and tonight he told me… he would start meditating at home before coming over… that made me sooooo happy! And I get to get back to doing my yoga too…

    <3 {{{hugs}}}



  371.  #371Lisa on May 6, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    @Mercedes 368
    That’s a good point… I can mention that… that might bring things closer.

    @Dominique sorry I had read your post ( so I thought) and you had mentioned something. Sorry if I misread it. I know and I wish I had the $ to have a private session with you so I could hear your thoughts… working on that…

    <3 Thanks! {{{hugs}}}



  372.  #372Tereana on May 6, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    Emerson – I think sometimes guys have trouble projecting into the future… I second the “who knows why he didn’t call” sentiment. It probably doesn’t mean anything at all. But also, he would probably just call if he wanted to. If you don’t like it, that’s what counts 🙂



  373.  #373Tereana on May 6, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    I should totally listen to myself, giving advice: “if you don’t like it, that’s what counts.”

    So, bottom line – if I didn’t like the way the guy was flirting with me, that’s what counts. It’s not about a “judgement.” He was all afraid of me judging him. That was kind of a yellow flag, I guess. It made me wonder, what would make a guy so afraid of other people being judgmental? I could sympathize, but most guys don’t seem to care what other people think.

    And yeah, I got a big trigger event yesterday. And maybe I was “triggered” beyond the scope of what he said and I overreacted. But nonetheless, I also just really didn’t like what he said. He was talking about violence during sex. No one jokes about that. Because if you were thinking it, then it’s not a joke – it means he was thinking about it. And if he was, then he’s definitely not someone that I want to be with…

    Ugh.

    I will say this – I was gratified when, last night, after I texted him that I had been overreacting and triggered, he said that he understood and thought we should talk more about it in person. It was late at night, so I didn’t respond. Today, I said thank you, but I haven’t heard from him. Oh well. I’m letting it go and I’m letting it be. I think he showed me all the information that I needed to have available. I’m on my own path now.

    I may never be able to have a sexual relationship with a guy, and that makes me sad : ( I can’t seem to handle it, because it’s too upsetting. But maybe some day, I will find a way to embrace my own sexuality. And I’m hoping my therapy appointments help. I went to the first one today, and it was really very good. It was expensive, but I am looking forward to more. I think I really need this…and I feel good and like I am taking care of myself because I decided to go.

    And I don’t need a guy who wants to scare me and hurt me : (

    Thank you me



  374.  #374Emerson on May 7, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Thank you smile I like the idea of melting but sometimes I feel like its too gushy!!? But that just be me being not used to it….
    Hi Fw! I let him know that I was working so could not talk that night (I work nights sometimes) so I told him the next ava time …

    Tereana& Dominique thanks for your feedback



  375.  #375Dominique on May 7, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Lisa – 🙂

    xxoo



  376.  #376Tereana on May 7, 2013 at 10:45 am

    ((( Emerson )))

    Angela – how great that we both responded to each other! I guess the Universe had something in mind.. ; )



  377.  #377Tereana on May 7, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Liquid Light #365 – I feel you that that would be a disappointing thing to hear from a guy. Less so maybe because it points to a “divide” between you, but simply because he is dissing anybody at all. He could be showing that he’s not compassionate about them, which is more troublesome to me than that he is not into environmentalism as much as you are. Handling it with humor sounds like a possible good way to go. Or just stating where you stand on the issue.

    And understanding where he is coming from could help, too. Maybe get curious about it. I am sure that he’s not alone. A lot of drivers don’t like cyclists, and a lot of cyclists don’t like pedestrians. Being able to be considerate of those who are “slower moving” can be a challenge, and environmentalism may or not be an issue. Are you judging him because he drives a big truck? That might be something to look into yourself about first, before saying anything about his opinions…that’s just my two cents.

    xo



  378.  #378Lisa on May 7, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I’m wondering about masculine/feminine and still haven’t found a book that seems to speak to me really, still looking.. Rori’s book touches on it a little. I wonder if she has more material on it? I wonder if she has thought of doing couples coaching or “men” workshops? Seems fascinating.. for me and “M” is interested in it too…

    I tend to be very cerebral and like to have lots of in depth info and history… Since I’ve studied psychology for 20 years… just a thought…



  379.  #379Dominique on May 7, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Lisa – I devote a good sized section of my video program to this, the one I released in Jan. I think it’s an important concept to grasp though not necessarily in a cerebral way but in a feeling way though sometimes you do need thought first in order to access the feeling.

    xxoo



  380.  #380Liquid Light on May 7, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    @377 Tereana

    Yeah, it was disappointing. My brother whom I love dearly is a huge bicycle enthusiast. He hardly ever even gets in a car and believes that bicycles are the future of the planet etc. I pretty much agree with him and love his enthusiasm. He is educating a huge # of people on facebook and in the world about this very important issue. I think its fantastic and support him 150%!!!

    I haven’t heard from chp guy. But I don’t really care. I think we are just too different and I would be twisting myself into a pretzel to be with him. Besides, I’ve pretty much made up my mind to leave this town and go to a more urban area where I can meet more like-minded men. Sheesh, so tired of the insecure, narrow minded men here.

    So far, I’ve encountered one stalker (w criminal record and all) and another total mind-f***** manipulator (my ex). I can’t take it anymore!!! ARGHHH!!!!



  381.  #381Liquid Light on May 7, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Does anyone here have experience with controlling/manipulative men? I feel like I dodged a bullet with my ex (I felt unsafe with him though he was never overtly physically abusive, it was more like a feeling of threat and danger that he created) It was very unsettling, and now that I’ve had time away from him, I can see the dynamic more clearly. I’m very glad to have him out of my life but he was very clever in how he cloaked his controlling, manipulative behavior. It was insidious and he had me fooled for almost a year!

    My question is, now that he’s moved on to his next victim, do I have any responsibility? I’m worried about this next woman. Is it my responsibility to warn her in some way??? Though I really don’t want to get involved with him again in any way!! Actually, I don’t even know how I would warn her but could probably run into them if I tried. Ughh.



  382.  #382Lisa on May 7, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    @Dominique

    Thanks! I do a great deal of “feelings” stuff too… I tend to be very balanced that way…

    <3



  383.  #383Indigo on May 7, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    Liquid Light 181,

    I would say if you feel compelled to warn her, then do so. I would, if I felt an ex of man was actually dangerous.

    Yet I would keep it brief. And remember if she is in the early stages of him on his best behavior, she may not believe you. And also that your warning could simply come across as sour grapes, or a jealous ex.

    Mostly, you can be so thankful that you dodged that bullet and got out! Many women stay with controlling, manipulative men for years and years.



  384.  #384Liquid Light on May 8, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Yes, Indigo, thanks for the feedback. Really appreciate it! It’s probably a bad idea so I don’t think I’ll do it. Thanks again for your perspective.



  385.  #385Francesca on May 8, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    I am trying to do no contact with D. After a few days I became afraid he would just drop by or pretend to just be friends for awhile and then try to sleep with me as has been his recent pattern. He has flat out told me that despite me telling him I don’t want to sleep with him while he is seeing other women that he will keep trying because I am “hot” *ugh.
    So I decided to clearly tell him, no more. I wrote about a few lines saying I didn’t want such a tumultuous and complicated relationship in my life. We are attracted to one another, so this cycle of ups and downs will continue if see see one another. I do not want to be friends or friends with benefits. So I’ve decided the relationship should end and it is too painful for me to see or speak to him anymore.
    He responded, “That’s cool.”
    At first that hurt and I knew he was trying to hurt me either by mocking me because he doesn’t believe me or showing me he doesn’t care. I let my desire to respond with a flood of emotion ebb, then when calm I wrote back : Thanks. Take care.
    Because I really hope it is cool with him and that he leaves me alone. He is very charming, seductive, and manipulative, so I at least wanted to be clear in my own head about what my decision is and feel clear that I had told him.
    Should I just have said nothing and kept up no communication? I wonder if my desire to tell him was still paying too much attention to him and giving my power to him. In the moment it is so hard to figure out what to do.



  386.  #386Marie on May 13, 2013 at 10:37 am

    I purchased the Have the Relationship you want $200.00 set it’s been worth every penny. I purchased it AFTER my breakup. This was priceless to show me all of the mistakes I made. I have a question though, are these programs for people over 50? Or are the programs just for younger people? As in 35 and under. I was just curious because I noticed most of the women on the program seminar appeared to all be under 40 years old. Just curious as there are a lot of boomers as well as early X-Generation people entering the Scene now from divorce, death, breakups etc. thank you just curious.



  387.  #387Rori Raye on May 13, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Marie, Welcome, and so many of my clients are over 50! Age means nothing in terms of the Tools – The scenarios are the same. When I coach privately, I work more with the personalities involved than with the situation – because all situations boil down to an “energetic” dynamic of gut-level feelings and habitual patterns and fears. Knowing how to “navigate” those blocks to love are how the Tools work. Feeling Messages and Poetry and The Dance Position work on so many levels at once. Circular Dating fills you up and builds confidence in so many ways, and gives you places to Practice the Tools. Online Dating, and everything else is the same regardless of age.

    In fact, younger women often have it more challenging, because they meet men who’re younger and in quite different stages of life than you’ll meet! When you are before the age where you want to have children, and AFTER the age where you want to build a family – that’s when you have the most FREEDOM to discover love instead of obligation and what you “think” love should “look” like. Love, Rori



  388.  #388Tracy on May 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    i have messed up so bad. not that its cheating or anything. he doesnt feels ‘safe’ with me. he doesnt want me in his future. he wants to separate and not divorce. i dont get it. i feel in a state of nowhere. i am not sure i would take him back, but i would like to know how to do things right with the next one. oh, we have been together for 28 years. what do i do. what should i do.

    tracy



  389.  #389Rori Raye on May 20, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Tracy, Welcome, and just going from what you say – you need to do the work to rebuild safety and trust. That’s it. Safety, trust, thrills. If you read everything here and want more help, get the ebook – work with that, then the entire collection, then some private coaching. These are skills of language, mind, heart, body… Love, Rori



  390.  #390Ladybug on May 30, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Hello Diva Rori and all the Divas out there!

    I’ve been exclusive with a man for over a year now and seems that whenever I’m around his family, he does not show affection or even courtesy to me. He walks ahead of me, doesn’t hold my hand, show affection, etc. One time we went to a picnic miniture golf place and I went to the ladies room. When I returned he had already ordered his meal plus his daughters but did not wait for me or order for me. That is fine that he didn’t pay for me and my family as it would be costly for him as we are a four person family, but he didn’t wait for me to order and now…. I’m 20 minutes behind him as it’s was an order and wait for your number to be called out to get your food. He ate, greeted his family without me as I’m still waiting in line for my/our food. Hello? I was annoyed and said something to him and he didn’t respond. When I told him how that made me feel and there’s been other “red flags” since February, he told me that my standards are very high and he can never do anything right. He never hears me, takes responsibility for his actions and always come back at me with things I do wrong. Help! I really feel like taking exclusivity off the table at this point. I’m tired of the “crap”. I do not feel like a priority in his life or feel he is vested. He sent me a long email telling me what is wrong with me and didn’t own up to anything or apologize. I don’t even feel like responding to it. What minimum response can I say without saying too much but getting to the point?



  391.  #391Rori Raye on May 30, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Ladybug, Welcome – and if you want this man, then you need to hear him. He thinks your going to the ladies room and “expecting” him and his kids to wait for you is a “princess” thing – and that you do that a lot. Do you? Is there room for adjustment here? Do you need to have certain things in place to feel appreciated? If you put that “vibe” out there – he’s going to assume this is who you are. Either you’re going to have to be WAY more easy-going and adaptable – or find yourself another man. I don’t think taking exclusivity off the table at this point is the answer. Communication is. Do you have the ebook? From what you’ve written – I wonder if HE isn’t feeling appreciated….Love, Rori