An Interview With Rori

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modern sirenRori, what is it you do as a relationship coach?

I teach women (and men) — whether they’re in a relationship now or want to be in a relationship — how to transform their love lives practically overnight by learning to communicate in completely new ways.

This is about making changes on our side of the relationship only – this means changing the words we use, our body language, the choices we make, how we use and express our feelings, our energies – without any help or discussion with our partners or dates.

You mean you don’t work with both people in a relationship?

My programs are for women.

Any woman can get more love, romance, and a deeper emotional connection by learning to speak from her heart.

It’s about learning to share your feeling state, which makes us feel very vulnerable – which, of course, is the whole point.

When I do coach men – I teach that any man can get more respect and peace by using good leadership skills in his relationship.

How can you change an entire relationship by only working with one of the partners?

The dynamics of a relationship are like dancing.

If we’ve been dancing together, close dancing – and I’ve been doing the same steps all this time, and you’ve been doing the same steps this whole time, If I suddenly change my steps, you’ll automatically alter your own.

And if the changes I make feel better to both of us, we’ll start to get into sync, we’ll be able to dance closer without tripping on our feet.

Now think about communication.

In a relationship, if I can learn to signal you through words and body language exactly what’s really going on, our relationship begins to shift.

We’ll start getting closer.

It’s all about being brave.

Brave enough to really allow another person to get close to us.

If I’m single, and I can signal you – a man – in the market, or at the bookstore, or in our first telephone conversation – or in my online profile and picture – who I really am, and what I expect from you, and speak from my heart in words that you can not only hear, but which engage you – then I can qualify you right off as a possible suitor. And if you’re a good guy, we’ll be connecting from the very first moment.

Over our whole lives we’ve figured out how to communicate in ways that keep actually people at a distance.

To keep everyone from really seeing who we are.

We hide behind behavior that we think is so much nicer than what’s really going on inside us.

Just like Halloween masks.

In my work we make very specific changes in what we say and how we say it, and what we do and don’t do.

And this alone relieves so much tension and conflict in a relationship that it can feel like we’re in a completely new relationship overnight.

Love, Rori

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491 Comments

  1.  #1Indigo on August 22, 2014 at 8:53 am

    This is absolutely true – you can radically improve and heal a relationship just by making changes on one side of the relationship, just on one partner – because this creates a healing space where both partners can be more open to love.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 22, 2014 at 10:43 am

    I have also hidden behind tough masks and know people who have. It is not always about “nicer”



  3.  #3April Rose on August 22, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    “…It’s about learning to share your feeling state, which makes us feel very vulnerable – which, of course, is the whole point…”

    On the path to mastering this (and I don’t think it is easy) there will most likely be lots of efforts and mistakes, and yes – overthinking it from time to time.

    And THEN … something clicks and we ‘get’ it.

    This is what’s happening for me.



  4.  #4Mandy on August 22, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    “If I suddenly change my steps, you’ll automatically alter your own.”

    – This is something that feels and sounds fun because I can get pretty creative with this. Not just thinking of regular ways to change it up, like getting my hair and nails done and pampering myself, although I’ll be doing that too, but also, say, educating oneself in something completely new and different, like if you’re open minded and used to western medicine and/or religion, maybe it might fascinate you to study how things are in Eastern practices, it might make you feel refreshed to learn to meditate or learn a new language, or if you’re an artist like me, garnering some inspiration and making some new art pieces.

    Or join a class of something you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t have the gall to do before, if you’re in a rut…it might help to do new stuff…you’ll be talking about new things, new inspiration will come to you, new feelings, etc.

    I can definitely see how that would work. And anyway, life gets boring when it’s the same old, same old, every day.

    I’m seriously 110% committed to joining a dance class and cutting my hair next month. I am so over having the long princess hair now, it is so the old me…I have always wanted a chic short edgy cut, and I never thought I could pull it off, but I am feeling it is time for some super-boldness/bravery. For me…just for me. Even if people tell me they don’t like it.

    It sure feels good to switch it up.



  5.  #5Mandy on August 22, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    PS…

    I feel so anxious about my upcoming CD, with Y. He’s very sexual and I don’t feel quite comfy opening up my relationship status. I mean, I feel very confused.

    I don’t want to cheat on J (it is common knowledge we are loyal and committed to one another, meaning we don’t have sex with anyone else, even though we’re not sexually active currently). But if we’re just plain not having sex, for a good half-year, does that automatically free me up, or do I need to let him know how I feel? VERY scared to do that.

    Seems like that’s the direction it’s going. I don’t want a sexless situation. And the anger is there every day, i just resent the ever living crap out of him for letting me feel untouched and unwanted when I look and feel so good.



  6.  #6prplpsn28 on August 22, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Wish I had used the RR tools with H. We might still be together today. I messed up. Too bad there’s no way to fix it now 🙁



  7.  #7Mandy on August 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    I can relate prplprsn, I feel like I am trying to use the tools right now but I totally suck at it! 🙁 I just get so frustrated, it’s kind of like climbing a mud hill sometimes. I don’t see huge results unless I make huge changes and sometimes I feel so ughhh that I just don’t want to make the effort. I think I’m so exhausted that I just need for a minute to completely nix everything in my life that is stressful. I’ll be having major surgery in a month anyway, so it’s probably a good idea. it’s exhausting feeling ugggh and angry a lot.

    Maybe we should just set up our stuff so we can relax and feel validated and not resentful. you know, make sure to take the phone off the hook and allow for enough time to be de=compressed.



  8.  #8Femininewoman on August 22, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Mandy the key here is “trying” in relation to the work with the tools. As such it is okay if it is not correct. We all learn through trial and error. It is just life and we get to choose to love the process. Maybe loosening up on the need to get it write might release the pressure a little bit.

    When interacting with someone I believe it is okay to pause yourself to be clear on what you want to say. I have gone as far as saying “giving me a minute here let me just check in with myself to see how I am feeling” before speaking sometimes. I learned this from a male boss who consistently said this kind of thing. Even “let me turn this over in my head a bit or give me a second let me wrap my head around this”. And he’d have me sit there and wait. So now I am fine using “give me a minute let me wrap my heart around that so I know how I am feeling”.

    Another thing is I have become now so aware of conversations happening around me that I believe that women naturally speak about the way they feel even when they don’t consciously do it. I challenge you to pay attention to see if you have this experience. Even today we were sharing notes about interview panels and one lady said “I can’t prove it with something tangible, it is just a feeling I get deep down when…………………”

    I think if we just decide in our heads that that is easy, I can do this our internal wiring makes a shift that just happens on its own



  9.  #9prplpsn28 on August 22, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Mandy…I totally get turning the phone off now and then. I’ve had to do it alot cuz I can feel myself on edge just waiting for that tone that says it’s a text from H. Ugh. Horrible feeling.



  10.  #10IamHis on August 22, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Great post! I feel soo proud of myself. A guy in this bookstore asked for my number! I’ve noticed guys noticing me before, many times before, but I always felt scared/closed off/hung up on another guy to ever respond to their stares & lingering around me. All I did was look back at him looking at me & smiled. He struck up the conversation, we talked for a while, & then he asked for my number/for a pending coffee date! I honestly feel thrilled because I feel like I’m getting over my fears, finally opening up, & growing as the incredible woman. I feel kind of embarrassed, but this is huge for me! 😀



  11.  #11Helena Hart on August 22, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    IamHis – 10 – Yaaay!!! That’s amazing!! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  12.  #12Millie on August 22, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    I wonder if I’m ever going to improve, if my communication will ever improve, if I’ll ever be able to handle my feelings. I keep noticing the ups and downs I feel at work, in life. I take things in, what people say really matters to me, and like a ghost haunting me, I heard the words, the moments, return.

    This friend, who I feel is open to dating me, asked me to join him for a drink the other night. I wanted to go, and I went, but I’ve never felt “into” him. The night was fun, but I felt him wanting to hear my interest, but I didn’t feel interested. He offered to buy the first round if I bought the second, which put me off, but I didn’t feel I had the right to say anything if I’m not interested in dating him. I don’t know, maybe I should give a chance, but if I have to convince myself to do so….

    Another friends is having a birthday party tonight. I was on the fence about going because mechanic will prob be there. I don’t think anyone will miss company anyway so I’m home, choosing what feels like the lesser of two evils.

    I subscribe to a lot of good relationship newsletters, but seeing the headlines of “how to create blank with a man..” Feels like a step ahead for me. I wish there was more newsletters of how to create blank, lasting attraction, confidence, how to feel good with yourself. I feel like that chapter gets skipped in newsletters. I don’t have a man so all those newsletters do is remind me of where I’m not.

    Anyway, I have a full weekend planned, riding and dancing and friends, so yay.



  13.  #13Emerson on August 22, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    10 wow iamhis that is great, I feel inspired! I tend to close off as well and I want to be able to look back and smile!
    Wow I really need to start feeling better do I can do that again…
    I’ve been feeling so sensitive and weepy…
    I feel hung up on recycledCD,…
    He is emotionally unavailable ….
    I need to remember that!!



  14.  #14Emerson on August 22, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    I had lunch with ExoticCD yesterday and recycledCD today. Both lefts feeling unffilled and a little “off”…. In a way I wish I would have just spent the last two days by myself…
    I don’t know why it’s taking me so long to meet a man…
    Life is weird ….
    I feel more and more blocked off and isolated when at this time I need to be open…I want to meet someone so how can I do that when I feel shut like shutting people out!?



  15.  #15Emerson on August 22, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    I feel so thankful and happy about some things in my life but I want to share if with someone!



  16.  #16Zara on August 23, 2014 at 12:32 am

    1 Written by Rory Raye
    September 2009

    This is a classic result from using the Tools with a man – no matter where a relationship, or a date, or a conversation is right now:
    => Stop Overfunctioning + Open Heart = More Love
    The more you keep doing what you’re doing, the more he’ll step up, the better you’ll feel, the more you’ll trust yourself and him, the safer and more excited he’ll feel — and then the sky’s the limit.

    Unless he hits his “wall.”

    Sometimes a man has a limit. A place where his abilities stop him cold. Where he can go no further, no deeper. And what do you do when that happens?

    You will simply lose interest. That’s what I wish for you, and that’s been my experience with clients who pined after a man until who he really was got suddenly clear.

    If you are Circular Dating, you will be continually taking care of yourself, you will not have invested yourself entirely and exclusively with any man until you KNOW if he has a “wall” or not. Until you KNOW if he can “do the job” of making you happy for the rest of his life.



  17.  #17Zara on August 23, 2014 at 12:35 am

    2 Written by Rori Raye
    November 2008

    Comment from sifsgoldwig: “….I feel like he did everything he could to make me fall in love with him and then the minute I expressed the feeling, he says he doesn’t share it. This situation has been hard for several reasons, one of which is the fact that he is essentially a nice guy and I still want him back. He did contact me less than a week after breaking up to tell me some emotionally difficult news (a family pet had died,) but ignored my subsequent attempts to offer him friendship and compassion. Since then I emailed him to gain clarification on some points, a step I considered necessary at the time, and he answered with respect, but recommended distance for the time being. That was a month ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know if I should hold on to hope and try to see if it’s possible for him to come back to me or simply move on. The worst of it is that I only discovered Rori’s relationship program after he broke up with me. I see now the mistakes I (unwittingly) made, but think that it’s unfair to be punished for acting the way I felt and doing the only things I knew how to do. I didn’t lie, cheat on, pick fights with, criticize, or manipulate this man. All I did was tell him how I felt and for that reason, I lost him.”

    This is in answer to a comment by sifsgoldwig after a break up, and I thought my comment might help you, too:

    I thank you, sifsgoldwig, for your heartfelt story and the great questions it brings up. I can’t help you specifically to understand this situation – because spending ANY time, energy or heart at all in trying to figure out WHY a man does something is wasteful and useless, and will bring down your self-esteem and get you stuck in your brain, trying to “solve” problems instead of feel your way through things.

    The bottom line all comes to ATTRACTION. A man who is “toxic” or immature, or in any way simply incapable of building the “muscle” necessary for being in a close, intimate relationship with a woman CANNOT be “fixed” by WILLING him, requesting him, or trying to “teach” him.

    Attraction is a combination of YOUR inner strength, boundaries, and sense of SAFETY with yourself, physical and emotional chemistry which is completely beyond your control, and your ability to be open, vulnerable, in touch with and aware of yourself and your emotions, and the depth and clarity of how you express and share yourself with a man.

    Once all that is in play, a relationship evolves and expands through how you both experience moments between you, and depends completely on the capacities of each of you to KEEP evolving, expanding and connecting with each other.

    At any time, a man may walk away because he just can’t move forward. He either can’t, or he doesn’t want to. And the only way his reasons can be useful to know is how knowing those reasons can improve YOUR ability to evolve, expand, have boundaries and yet be soft and open – for the next, much better man who will show up.That’s why it’s so important to not concern yourself with HIS issues – but only to keep working on your own.

    You didn’t “lose him” by telling him how you felt. There are many, many more things going on here, and I hope my step-by-step processes shine light on those for you and help you go to a new place where everything will be much easier and more fulfilling.



  18.  #18Zara on August 23, 2014 at 12:41 am

    3 Written by Rori Raye
    November 2008

    Thank you for your brilliant comments and stories and testimonials, and I realize the only way I can answer you in a meaningful way is here in actual posts (please forgive me in advance for replying to some, and not all of your comments – it would be overwhelming for me to even try, so I try to pick the ones from new members of our community, and urgent or frightening issues – and I want to bless you all from my heart for the brilliant help you’re giving each other. If I take issue with anything you say, I’ll reply for sure – but so far – you’re all right on!) – So, here’s my take on this scenario a lot of you seem to be struggling with :

    He wants to be a friend, but when you see him and have sex with him it’s amazing, and so you can’t understand why he’s merely “friendly” when he leaves.

    Here’s the answer: Men are different from women.

    He can have a knock-out, deeply emotional sexual experience with you – sex that “blows-his-mind,” in a way you can FEEL. A way that feels just like the deep emotional experience YOU’RE having. But it’s NOT the same as what you’re feeling.

    When we have an orgasm with a man – all kinds of things open up. The hormone oxytocin floods us, and binds us to the man in a scientifically physical and emotional way. Even if he’s a man we weren’t initially attracted to – having a great emotional and physical orgasm with him will bring us into the “falling in love” range.

    A man doesn’t work that way. His hormones work completely differently. His GUT tells him who to love and who not to love, and love, for him, does not GROW from not-love. Love does not grow from friendship for a man. And love does not grow from mind-blowing sex. Sex only ADDS TO what he already feels – it CAN’T get those feelings STARTED.

    And once his “infatuation” or whatever he felt for you at first turns to “friendship” – that’s pretty much it.

    However – a man who’s “in love” in the first place does NOT turn his feelings into “friendship.” If he says he wants to be “friends” – then that’s very possibly the way he ALWAYS felt.

    You can save yourself so much pain by NOT ASSUMING ANYTHING. Just because it looks like love to you, and feels like love to you – it doesn’t mean it’s love to HIM.

    So what’s the only way to know what he’s really and truly feeling?

    Over time, he will insist on a commitment from you. That’s pretty much it.

    That means – you NEVER stop dating other men until that commitment is coming at you. And I don’t mean the “girlfriend” commitment – because that’s NOTHING (unless you’re young and still in school). I mean the MARRYING commitment. I mean what HE thinks of as FOREVER.

    And if, over time, that commitment is not automatically coming at you, then you have to TALK TO HIM.

    The absolutely MOST APPEALING thing a woman can do is SPEAK. And what I mean by that is that you are able to say out loud, in clear words, in a very straight-forward and simple way – exactly what it is you’re feeling, exactly what it is you want, exactly what it is you want him to do in bed, exactly what it is you DON’T want.

    If you can “Speak In The Moment” – so that there are few misunderstandings, so he doesn’t have to guess what’s going on with you (because that’s nearly impossible for ANY man – they just don’t work that way), so he can feel relaxed around you and not wonder why you’re tense or cold or what you’re really feeling…you will build an UNBREAKABLE BOND with a man who ALREADY LOVES you!

    The possibility of “Forever Love” has to be there for him (and it’s not something you can understand or figure out) before ANYTHING else can kick in.

    He has to feel that deep down sense of ATTRACTION – and although you are in control of so much about attraction (any of you who have my Modern Siren program can talk about that, I know) – there are parts of attraction you can’t have any control of.

    There are pheremones, and links to his mother and father, and the sound of your voice, and things about you that feel familiar to him and things that feel strange – it’s like a “stew” for him that he just feels in his GUT.

    Without the “raw materials” of whatever it is that kicks in attraction for a man – there’s nothing you can do.

    However – there’s a lot you CAN do AFTER THAT. All you need is the initial attraction, to know that it’s there for him in a scientific and gut level for him, and you can create more and more attraction until his “infatuation” or “initial attraction” turns into the real thing for him.

    So – when you “Speak In The Moment” – when you Talk To Him. When you ask him where he’s at, listen to him, and then use that information to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF – that creates MORE and DEEPER attraction.

    What he says is what you get. Men don’t get all gooey and confused when they talk. For the most part, they tell the truth. They’re just not as good at NOT telling the truth as we are (unless he’s a deeply gifted Toxic Man with a smooth tongue).

    So if he utters the words “I want to be your friend” – beware. Any energy you spend trying to turn that into passion will look needy, clingy, desperate – and like you aren’t HEARING HIM.

    He will feel unheard and unsafe – and he will also automatically assume that YOU are telling the truth.

    If you say “okay” to “sex buddy” status – he’ll let you.

    He’ll figure you know what you’re doing.

    He’ll figure you’re doing what you want.

    He’ll let you take responsibility for you.

    So don’t get mad at him. He’s telling you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

    And don’t be confused.
    To a man: Friends can have sex. Friends can have PASSIONATE sex. Friends can hold hands and kiss. Friends can hang out every night of the week. Friends can do everything together that LOOKS like “relationship” to us. But it isn’t. It isn’t relationship.

    Because one thing friends can’t have is ROMANCE. You can’t make it up, or will it into being.

    And another thing friends can’t have is commitment and marriage. Because no self-respecting man would be interested in doing that – no matter how your “relationship” looks to you.

    Thank him, and KEEP DATING



  19.  #19Zara on August 23, 2014 at 12:50 am

    4. Written by Rori Raye
    May 2009

    Here’s a situation close to my heart that I haven’t really talked about much before…this letter states the problem exactly, and I’d love to get a dialogue going around it…

    “Hi Rori,
    I am 27 years old, I been with my high school sweetheart for almost ten years. We have been engaged for about ten years except he hasn’t officially proposed to me because he doesn’t have the money to purchase a ring. I love him and I know he loves me, but one of our biggest problems is our communication. It’s hard to explain, I feel as if one day we are very close and in touch with each others feelings, and the next day we get into a small fight- because I forgot to call or didn’t think about doing or saying something.

    I feel like he bites my head off for small things, and if I apologize, (which I seem to do very often) it still doesn’t matter, he still remains upset with me and doesn’t want to get past it and move on. I feel tired of constantly feeling “inadequate” in our relationship. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells. When I approach to talk to him about “our last fight” he says things like “you can talk all you want but I have nothing new to say.” This type of response from him makes me feel like I can’t fully trust him. One day he tells me that I should trust him more and be able to share anything, because he loves me and he wants to be that support for me. Yet, when I do, he shuts down….

    I feel so confused and lost because I feel like he is not following through with his talks about how much he cares about me. I hate fighting with him and everytime it happens I just want to hurry up and make it better, either by apologyzing and clearing the air, etc. so that we can continue to enjoy each other. But, he is totally different, he could care less about making up. He stays like that for a few days until he finally decides that the whole situation is silly and that we should move on. I’m tired of this emotional drain-pattern, in my opinion is not normal.

    I feel like we fight more than we make love, and as soon as we begin to reconnect, some stupid fight manages to sneak up on us and then we disconnect again!!! I don’t know what to do in order to feel secure in this relationship, secured to know that he is as crazy about me as I am about him. I don’t want to end the relationship because he truly is an amazing guy, I just don’t know how to inspire him to really SHOW his love for me. Do you think I’m been flaky and emotional?? I feel so insecure about myself right now…

    Hope you can give me a helpful advice, Thanks. Mary”

    Dear Mary – I’m VERY familiar with this – you’ve got a MOODY man.

    He has emotional issues. and the way he’s dealing with trying to keep himself together is by blowing steam out at you. The nicer you are, the more understanding you are, the more you tolerate this kind of thing – the worse it’s going to get – because your very “niceness” and “understanding” make him feel even WORSE about HIMSELF – and then he feels angrier with YOU for making him feel that way.

    Plus (some bonus…) it completely destroys his ATTRACTION to you because he considers any woman who’d be “nice” to him when he KNOWS he’s being a “jerk” to be pretty much “worthless.” His respect for you will go down – and your self-esteem will take the plunge with it.

    Step 1 for you: STOP being overly nice.

    When he gets upset. say “I feel awful and I don’t want to fight.” Let him blow off a bit of his anger, and then say “This feels awful, I want to feel close to you, and I don’t want to fight…” and then LEAVE the room! If all he wants to do is vent at you – DON’T be his punching bag!!!

    Say – “it would feel great to talk about how we can not have these kinds of fights. I’d love to talk about what’s going on and it doesn’t feel good.”

    There may also be something he’s feeling bad and guilty about that you have NO IDEA about (and it may be something you DO know about – work, family, kids, money…) – and so he’s taking it out on you. (And please don’t start getting worried or suspicious – I just want to make you aware – but an attraction to or flirtation with another woman, though it’s just one of hundreds of possibilities of things that might be bothering him, is a possibility. I’ve seen this kind of thing sneak up on many a bright, lovely woman when her man is angry, tense, combative, starting arguments, and making drama.)

    My guess is this has nothing to do with you (or any other woman) – and everything to do with something going on with him in his life outside of you that’s making him feel bad. Money issues alone (and you mention he can’t afford a ring…) can do this to a man.

    What you need to do next is to learn to…

    Step 2 – TALK

    So – how do you talk about problems in a relationship without doing the dreaded “relationship talk”?

    First, you have to write this out. Write out a speech full of Feeling Messages and business-like fact gathering. Your goal here is INTIMACY and CLOSENESS – NOT to get him to change, or do what you want. The DIALOGUE alone is what you want – and ANYTHING that happens is part of that…

    Start with “I’ve noticed we’re angry a lot, and fighting a lot, and it feels awful. I don’t know what to do. I know there are things we’re both upset about – (money…sex…whatever’s always coming up), and it would feel so good to talk about it and solve some of it. Can we talk? Is now a good time? What do you think?”

    Let him respond. Really listen to him, without thinking about your own agenda.

    If you’re feeling frightened of his possible anger, and you can feel yourself wanting to walk on eggshells, say “I’m feeling afraid. I’m afraid of your anger. I can feel myself wanting to tiptoe and walk on eggshells, and I don’t want to do that. That feels awful.”

    If at any point he starts attacking you verbally – try a Power Speech (my Toxic Men program is all about Power Speeches) – where you say something like – “I hear how angry you are. I hear that you’re angry with me…This feels scary, and yet I want to feel heard, and so I want to hear you…and yet I feel really, really bad, and now I’m feeling attacked, and I don’t want to feel attacked. I’m happy to hear how you feel, and I don’t want to be attacked, and so I’m going to leave now…” And just walk backwards and away.

    Don’t let him strong-arm you, and don’t let him attack you. Screaming at you is not attacking you. Leaning forward with his face red and his fists in the air is pretty scary, but as long as you’re sure he would never touch you or physically hurt you, you want to be able to stand there while he turns red and screams “I’m just so frustrated with you!” (Even though you’d NEVER say that to him – you’d just say “I’m feeling so frustrated!”)

    The more anger that’s unexpressed, the more distant the relationship. There’s no way to heal this without the anger coming up. You have to be able to hear it without folding – even though it may trigger an old traumatic reaction inside you and make you want to run or scream back – or just freeze. See if you can do none of those things (it takes practice) – and simply say how you feel. And when you’ve had enough – just say – “I’ve reached my limit, I can’t hear anymore,” and leave.

    If you do this, you’ll break all your old patterns, and you’ll feel so much better and stronger inside. And if he still can’t join in the dialogue to save your relationship – and without attacking you – then you will likely feel less and less for him. It will be YOU losing interest in HIM.

    Remember – this isn’t about you being understanding and tolerating him however he is. This is very specifically standing your ground and building YOUR tolerance for being present when he’s angry, and knowing when to walk away when you’ve had enough.

    It’s sort of a fearless, powerful thing to do – and he’ll get it right away.

    You may be shocked to find the whole anger experience turns into a crying experience – yours AND his – though he’ll likely do anything he can to keep from going there, and anger is a really standard way men get to stay away from their pain.

    Remember, too – you may be aware of the pain underneath his anger – but he’s NOT A LITTLE BOY. Do not “understand” him and be “nice” to him because of the pain you know is underneath. Just build your own ability to tolerate being in the presence of intense emotion – especially YOURS (this is where Modern Siren comes in…) – and you’ll be surprised how quickly things get intimate, and the blow ups become less and less a part of your relationship.



  20.  #20Zara on August 23, 2014 at 12:56 am

    5 Written by Rori Raye
    December 2009

    Here’s a question I wanted to answer quickly:

    “Rori, I was listening to your Heart Connection ToolKit and noticed a lot of mistakes that I am making with men. I tried to start Circular Dating and realized that it is not easy. I met couple of guys online (different days of course) and they both said that I was an amazing woman and they would like to see me again. We went to a museum and to a restaurant and we laughed a lot and everything seemed very nice. One of them sends me emails almost every day, another one called couple of days later and said that he wanted to see me again later this week.

    But other than this one time they never call me. And, I see the first one online all the time. Besides that I feel bad that he also sees me there and I thought he was there because he realized that I was online and figured that I did not like him enough? What does it mean when the guy says he likes you a lot and wants to see you, but never calls? I am frustrated and a little discouraged. I began to believe in destiny and that happy ever after is just not for me… Help,please.*frustrated.* ”

    Here’s my answer:

    Men say all kinds of things.

    Most of the time they’re trying to be nice guys, and some of the time they don’t even know what they’re feeling.

    But ALL of the time…a man SHOWS you who he is and what he wants – and if he doesn’t call you — there is only one reason:

    He doesn’t want to.

    It’s not because he’s afraid, or any other reason we like to make up — he just doesn’t want to.

    That’s why Circular Dating is NOT about finding your man, it’s not a “search” – it’s a Tool to help you grow, heal, and learn as FAST as possible so you can become the “Siren” you are by practicing all my Tools “out in the field” – with real MEN.

    To *Frustrated*: Just keep dating everyone who asks you.

    Just keep doing what Targeting Mr. Right lays out for you. Just keep PRACTICING.

    Stop trying to guess what a man is thinking. If he calls, he calls. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t.

    Don’t worry your “pretty little girl head” about it. Do NOT try to “pick up the slack.”

    Just let things go downhill if they’re going downhill. Don’t rescue, don’t save, don’t jump in to liven things up, don’t try to make him “unboring” by picking up the conversation.

    Just let him suffer and stew and stammer and try to figure out what he needs to do. For HIMSELF.

    So – what are YOU doing while he’s stammering and silent?

    You’re FEELING. You’re enjoying the texture of the napkin on your lap, the sound of the music on the loudspeaker, the clatter of dishes, the wallpaper, your fork, your own legs, your own soft clothes, your own soft arm, your lovely nails and hair. You’re looking in his eyes and expecting that there’s a human being in there – and a human being with a story.

    You’re CURIOUS. He’s showed up, after all.

    So, ask yourself why HE showed up – right now, right here? Ask yourself “Why am I here?” “Why is he here?”

    There’s just GOT to be some lesson for you. He’s a messenger, after all. Ask yourself – “What’s his message?”

    And then ask HIM!

    Ask him who he is, what he loves, what made him call you, what he thinks about the world, dating, his family…ask him anything that interests you in the service of finding out what his message is for you.

    You can even ask him without asking him – by tilting your head in genuine curiosity and asking yourself where he might have been born and what his mother was like when he was little, and what horrible or amazing things he might have encountered in his life.

    Just being curious about the answer he might give is a lovely experience.

    Just remember – you’re not asking in order to judge him, or find out if he’s “right” for you, or to keep the conversation going. You’re just asking because you’re curious, and because you’re only there for an hour (this short-first-date is a Circular Dating rule I encourage you to make for yourself).

    You’re just asking because he’s sitting or standing there in front of you (even if he just showed up for a few moments in the supermarket aisle). You aren’t going to start a conversation, remember (well – we can talk about the possibilities for that in another post), but you can ask the questions in your own head, or ask the questions in response to something he says.

    You’re asking because he has a message for you.

    Maybe you’ll discover that underneath the quiet guy is a deep soul…and that he’s actually capable of a deeper CONNECTION with you than you’ve ever before experienced. It was just something you couldn’t SEE right away. You had to get to know him.

    Maybe you’ll discover he’s waving the same red flags as all the other red-flag-waving men in your life before him…and maybe he’s here as the very LAST in that line. You may feel GRATEFUL for THAT message!

    Maybe you’ll discover he’s devastatingly handsome and sexy, but has nothing for YOU, and so you’ll have to learn to separate those two charged feelings – Chemistry on the one hand, and Connection on the other.

    Maybe this is your chance to choose generosity, connection, the ability to give to you – over chemistry.

    There’s a lot to get from even the most unremarkable interaction with a man.



  21.  #21April Rose on August 23, 2014 at 2:48 am

    Hello Zara!

    Thanks for your fantastic sharing of Rori’s posts.

    What about you? Does life feel good?



  22.  #22Veronica on August 23, 2014 at 2:54 am

    I touched/held Funny yesterday while we were busy cooking yesterday and I could feel him momentarily stop what he was doing and soak in my touch. PAUSE . Later on I touched him again, and I could feel his body relax. He said ‘did you feel that, how I relax when you touch me? That’s what you do to me.’ This is such an intimate moment for us – a connecting.

    —–

    And then I notice how his mom is so cold and dismissive with him and
    he closes up completely into hardness, a warding-off
    and how she defines our being together as some kind of power play
    my heart sinks, our interaction and connectedness so twisted by another’s blind definition
    and he’s behind a wall to protect himself
    I felt constrained
    when we kiss or look at each other, he opens up, so giving and focused on us, us dancing in the kitchen, I feel so melty ‘yes, this is him’
    and then back behind the wall with his mom

    “I don’t know how to say this – I don’t like how you and your mother are – your words and being change” . I don’t know how to fm this. I don’t want to expect anything. I want to share how I feel because he notices that I’m not close. He tells me how he feels when he engages with his mother, how he protects himself. I express my desire for him to one day be free of that, like I know him, out in the open.

    But something in me wants out and I don’t know what it is yet. I feel afraid that not having enough (of anything – money, time, experience) will hurt our relationship. The pain of things being hopeless with BM pesters me. Funny appreciates my openness and asks me not to censor myself, he wants to know me.

    Finally something outs itself: He knows himself and I know myself and we best know what our relationship is, I have a chance to know him as he shows himself to me, I show myself to him even though it’s scary. If other people don’t understand or don’t want to understand, it is not a failure of us. It has very little to do with us.
    I feel peaceful reaching that.
    I felt ‘unpretty’ the whole day being in that ‘judge-y’ environment – I went to the mirror and saw how beautiful I was and felt good that Funny also sees me that way.



  23.  #23Ignis on August 23, 2014 at 4:04 am

    @prplpsn28
    @Mandy

    I so too can relate. I still feel angry at myself and feel guilt, because I though I blew it, that i pushed him away. But really who says so? Did we really blew it? No. I think I was more hang on to this though I blew it than I was hang on on him. I was torturing myself so much about it at the end my head was screaming at me “stop thinking” and I felt so exhausted and drained. And then my desperation saved me and I just took a week of just doing tools from hear connection toolkit. doing them like crazy, and I though I was going crazy too, I had so many contradicting voices in my head I seriously though I am going crazy. Then I talked to him and blew it even more. Yay me! And then the tools started to live on its own and now just two weeks after my numbness and desperation I am in such a different place. Because before, during over a year of being in siren land I was having all this figured out in theory, but I could somehow not feel it because I was not really sticking with really doing the tools. Not just thinking about doing them and considering them, but really doing them. I do not know if that is the case with you of course, but that is how it went with me.



  24.  #24Zia on August 23, 2014 at 5:31 am

    So I’m at 6 months into this relationship and find just as I get a handle on one thing, other things pop up hehe. I was getting quite good at leaning back, letting him lead, seeing what happens on a day to day basis and things were moving along quite nicely, but lately things have popping up that are in the “not going my way” category and I find myself getting grumpy and having little sulks about it before I can sort out my feelings and get to that “good place”!! AND the thing is my bf *always knows* when something isn’t right with me. As in *immediately*. Which on one hand I love (because I’ve never been with someone so in tune and observant) but on the other hand makes me feel flustered because I don’t want to express what I’m feeling sulky about.

    Soooooooo I think for now I’m just going to make sure I use the tools all the time, like I was doing at the start – and be grateful more and also go back to just taking each day as it comes and being appreciative and grateful for every day in my relationship. These sulks and grumps are only from some kind of expectation, and I’m always reminded of Rori’s take on the “relationship timeline” and how we as women put so much investment into little things that indicate to us that the relationship is going in a certain direction when they don’t generally mean that at all. Really need to work on feeling and expressing my feelings and working through them again. I also have been leaning forward a lot so have to stop that.



  25.  #25Zia on August 23, 2014 at 5:50 am

    FW – I love what you said about expressing that you need a minute before you can speak, I am going to start doing that myself. Just to give myself the chance to get in touch with my feelings and see what comes up, as opposed to trying to work out what I need to say in response.



  26.  #26Dominique on August 23, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Zia – I think you are wonderful, so aware, able to recognize your shifts and regaining your path when you feel you’ve strayed. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  27.  #27Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 10:25 am

    I feel thankful for this blog! It helps me so much. I’m so glad I know about masculine and feminine energy. It helps me not to second guess myself especially with ExoticCD. He is definitely feminine energy. It feels like a turn off.
    I need to find what makes me happy, these days I’ve been feeling so flat and blah…I know it’s because I am missing physical masculine attention so much.



  28.  #28April Rose on August 23, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Emerson,

    Rori made a remark in the tele class which surprised me. She said all men want to be your hero in some way. Even feminine men have a masculine core.



  29.  #29Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Hi April rose
    He has helped me with some things and continues to offer. So I see the hero thing. And he is very leaned back… His energy is not coming at me at all. We are like two girls out to lunch. And he let me split the bill. Blech.



  30.  #30Mandy on August 23, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Femininewoman –

    Yes I believe the “getting it right” is what I am fixated on, a lot of the time, because I tend to kick myself when I get things wrong. When I mess up or do/say something un-feminine, I go, aw jeez I did it AGAIN…lol… With my personality, I get fixated on things very easily. It took me years and years of therapy just to figure out how to feel myself into relaxation and let go. Rori’s Modern Siren tools really really were soothing to try out when I first did, like a breath of fresh air after being in a damp cellar for a long time!

    Prplprsn – Take the phone off the hook and indulge in something fun 🙂



  31.  #31Mandy on August 23, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Ignis –

    Yes I’ve thought about how to say feeling messages in creative ways, like, my gut feeling, or, I sense this is happening, or I sense tension in the air…

    I sense this…I wonder if that would be another word, sense…or I have an exciting sensation, or I am experiencing some sadness…

    I like to switch it up and keeps things interesting…



  32.  #32Mandy on August 23, 2014 at 11:59 am

    PS —

    Sometimes coming onto this blog makes me want to give everyone, especially Rori, a big squeezy hug!!!! SQUEEZES! 😀 You all are so awesome!



  33.  #33IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    I feel a little scared. Old coworker and I have been talking and he went from calling me cute to pretty to hot to sexy to love. It feels very instant relationship. Oh, & he’s making me dinner tonight? Feedback would feel great, I feel nervous and inexperienced! !!!!! He said he wanted to make me feel special…



  34.  #34Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    33 iamhis that sounds exciting!



  35.  #35IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    But doesn’t it sound a little fast to you?



  36.  #36IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    It feels really fast…



  37.  #37Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Mandy #30
    There are times when I bear myself up for leaning forward or feeling needy. I have learned to be more gentle with myself recently and let it go.



  38.  #38Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    What matters is how it feels to you iamhis. If it feels too fast, what would help you feel better?



  39.  #39April Rose on August 23, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    IamHis,

    Did he ask you to his house for dinner?
    Please see the thread before last. Liquid Light had this exact same scenario, and we had quite a discussion about it.



  40.  #40IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Yes, April Rose. Exactly.



  41.  #41IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Hmm, my situation is a little different. We worked in the same building for a long time, spoke a few times, & just recently admitted our mutual crushes. I feel a little bit better about it…



  42.  #42Kyla on August 23, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    IamHis its only too fast if you feel uncomfortable with the pace, its a personal boundary. Slowing the tempo is something you have control over, you can get busy between dates so that you are not as available and you can use feeling messages to slow the pace if you feel unready for whatever is happening. Your comfort and happiness is paramount to a good man.

    Instant relationship can happen with the right or wrong man and its why CDing is so helpful here, its up to you to decide who the right man is before you close off your options and invest your heart and even then its good to stay open to the world. Stay open, curious and keep checking in with your feelings as things unfold and allow yourself to enjoy the moment.



  43.  #43IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    I guess I’ll just speak my feelings as they come up…I’m a little rusty, though. Usually the more “real life” interaction I have with a man, the more difficult it becomes to speak my feelings in the moment. Right now I feel…good, actually. 🙂



  44.  #44IamHis on August 23, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Thanks, Kyla, that feels good!



  45.  #45Kyla on August 23, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Ninja had to go back east yesterday to bring his daughters home and will be away for a week working in the head office. Its the first time we have been apart for more than 2 nights and although I knew I was going to miss him (and the girls, we had such an amazing summer) I was also looking forward to having this last week to spend with my kids before I start work and they go back to school. After I dropped him to the airport he text me to say that he had left me a little present but I had to figure out the clue! In the glove box was a 4 line riddle that he wrote for me. I felt excited and by the time I got home I had figured it out and found the hiding spot. It was a gift voucher for a mani/pedi and attached there was another clue! It took me 3 hours to find all 5 presents hidden around the house: gift cards for unlimited yoga, a facial w/back massage, 6 laser hair treatments and a hair cut with highlights! I feel totally spoiled and it was the most fun challenge as he made the clues really difficult and personal so noone else would have been able to follow it.

    And I have a friend from back east who is here this week visiting family and we have arranged to spend Wednesday together, I have missed her so much so I can’t wait to spend some time with her!



  46.  #46Azure Blu on August 23, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Kyla #45
    Ahhh lovely, warm Siren

    Ohhh… sooo fun and romantic that Ninja took Sooo much time and thought into a scavenger hunt for YOU!!!

    These romantic, generous stories you share
    with us…Keep in my mind what is possible!!

    With all those wonderful gifts You will be enjoying the time he is away… :-}}



  47.  #47Azure Blu on August 23, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Veronica #22
    Oooohhhh,,,, Sighhhh…
    I love reading about you and Funny touching and holding and relaxing in each other…
    It feels sooo wrapped in a cashmire blanket on a cold winters night!!!

    I also love that you decided that anybody ealses idea of you and Funny’s relationship has NOTHING to do with YOU and HIM!!!

    It comes up quickly in a relationship between two people…
    For me because I have quite and array of friends and family,
    allll of whom truly have my best interest at heart..
    and often state”I want to protect YOUR heart Azure”

    and of course I do want, and seek their opinion (even if they don’t use the RR tools)
    BUT it is ALWAYS a good reminder
    the only people that really KNOW what is going on
    with us
    Is ME and HIM!!!



  48.  #48Liquid Light on August 23, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Kyla, What Ninja did for you is so touching and amazing!!! It brought tears to my eyes! I’m so happy for you and inspired by the incredible connection you and Ninja are building together. So sweet!!!



  49.  #49Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    I like reminding myself of Roris tools for example “unfold yourself”…or something like that,…about picturing yourself as a crumpled up piece of paper getting blown all over the place and slowly unfolding yourself and having an open heart…this tool is amazing because when I do it I really feel like men can feel my energy unfolding and opening up…usually someone from my past will reach out to me as a result…it is weird.
    I feel undisciplined lately and like I’m just going through the motions without much energy leftover for creativity or thinking outside the box. I want to feel excited about things and planning the future and right now it just feels blah….
    I know I can flip this and unfold myself…



  50.  #50Liquid Light on August 23, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    what is someone keeps sending you messages on an online dating site, asking how you are and what you did over the weekend, but never asks to meet? This has been going on for several months. Any ideas? Is he just stringing me along and has no intention of asking to get together?? He’s not in the immediate area, over an hour away. I’d like to meet him but I would of course like for him to initiate it.



  51.  #51Kyla on August 23, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Thanks LL. With long term contacter Rori suggested ‘Is there a reason I wouldn’t accept a date from you?’. I’ve used I feel good to hear from you and y’know it also feels a little weird to chat for long without meeting. What do you think? He will poof or step up and you can go on with your CDing 🙂



  52.  #52Oshun on August 23, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Ok… M is sending updates on getting his new apartment organized. Um… what is this? He can send that to his mom!

    Can anybody maybe shine some light because I’m…confused?

    Then I’m reminded of a quote. “If a man wants you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”



  53.  #53Oshun on August 23, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    It’s like… one lame message then nada… what in the world?

    He said he was a “nice guy”. Nice guys don’t play games or am I being naive…I’m not really concerned about the message, I’m more like what is the point of it? Just stop.



  54.  #54Beloved on August 23, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Oshun, you might like Baggage Reclaim – I found it complements Rori’s work quite nicely.
    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
    Nat has a more “no BS” kind of tone, and she is great at breaking down the thought patterns we get into trying to ‘figure out’ men.

    This doesn’t totally apply to your situation but it could be illuminating 🙂

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/proportionate-responses-its-just-a-text/

    A Rori-type response would be, take the focus off of him, check in with you and how you feel, and get on your horse.

    Keep it in perspective – it’s just a text.



  55.  #55Beloved on August 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    It felt fun to re-read that article after all of these years.

    “This all goes back to why you must focus on building mutual relationships – when you match someone with their low effort and see their low effort for what it is, you don’t see gold where’s there’s copper – you see their lack of effort and the reflected results in your life and distance yourself, flush them, or know the limits of your interaction with them.”

    Similar to Rori – drop the oars!

    Once I dropped the oars with T, he disappeared and the boat sank I just let it.

    No more rowing the boat. I’m learning to fly <3



  56.  #56Beloved on August 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    It felt fun to re-read that article after all of these years.

    “This all goes back to why you must focus on building mutual relationships – when you match someone with their low effort and see their low effort for what it is, you don’t see gold where’s there’s copper – you see their lack of effort and the reflected results in your life and distance yourself, flush them, or know the limits of your interaction with them.”

    Similar to Rori – drop the oars!

    Once I dropped the oars with T, he disappeared and the boat sank I just let it.

    No more rowing the boat. I’m learning to fly <3



  57.  #57Beloved on August 23, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    My comment went to moderation, probably because of the links, but this is the the article I was referring to:

    It’s Just a Text

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/proportionate-responses-its-just-a-text/



  58.  #58Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    I went for a drive this evening thinking it would cheer me up…however it just emphasized my feeling of loneliness. I feel pathetic sometimes when I write on this blog and I appreciate being able to be so honest and raw.
    While I was driving to the City I was thinking about a Cooke of friends that I no longer have contact with for various reasons. One friend had a baby, one friend I had a falling it with, another friend moved away….etc..and I realized my circle of friend has really shrink down. I also used to have a lot of friend from work and now I don’t. It’s not that kind of job that I have now. I would like to branch out and see what happens.
    The problem is, I get overwhelmed with grief and anger sometimes I can’t even bring myself to go out alone.
    I know I sound dramatic and negative and I appreciate this place to express myself ….it would feel great if I could process this instead of stuffing down…



  59.  #59Emerson on August 23, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Sorry for all the typos my phone is correcting my words lol



  60.  #60Liquid Light on August 23, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    I had a little date tonight, first date. He was cute and smart but he lacked confidence. I found myself downplaying my work, and in fact didn’t even mention where I work because I didn’t want to intimidate him or something even though work has been a big part of my life with the craziness of my new job. I don’t want to be with someone where I don’t feel comfortable sharing something that is such a big part of my life because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. Esp now with a new job where everything changes day by day and its v intense. would like to be able to share that with someone, not hide it.

    He bought me something from the wine bar where we were. Something we had both sampled together and liked. He bought a bottle and said it was for me. But then when he walked me to my car, he forgot to give it to me. Then when I was about to drive off, he ran up and said, oh this is for you and gave it to me. It was kinda cute. I guess he was nervous or something??



  61.  #61lovetodance on August 23, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    a big hug to you emerson…good for you for expressing yourself…this is why we are here….
    yes sometimes….we get into that space of feeling our aloneness and sadness….
    usually when that happens in me…it is a low point that i resist…and when i do begin to let it in….its much better…
    it seems to turn the tide when i can acknowledge the pain and sorrow…



  62.  #62lovetodance on August 23, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    it has been a rather low energy day for me…did get some things accomplished but my baseline was pretty low…was thinking of going out tonite but when the time came i really didn’t have the taste for it…could have pushed but inside just let myself be….

    still going over the interaction of the last years in my fantasy relationship….looking for the pearls of wisdom of what it had to teach me about me…how available or unavailable am i for real intimacy….?

    i know i don’t have the energy for anyone too needy, or gamey, or troubled….i am at a time in my life where that surplus ability to rescue, be in drama, or in troubled waters out of choice is just not where or what i choose….
    i hope i do have love to give someone….and i have to imagine there is someone or someones out there who have and are doing the work it takes to meet someone else half way….in a healthy and adorable way….



  63.  #63Kyla on August 23, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    Liquid Light your date sounds lovely. Why did you feel uncomfortable talking about your work? When I tell people about my job, which is a highly skilled niche profession, I use feeling messages to describe how my work makes me feel and how certain aspects of it feel to me..



  64.  #64Kyla on August 23, 2014 at 11:44 pm

    People tell me my whole face lights up and my eyes come alive when I take about work like this and they are drawn in by my passion lol I do remember when I didnt talk about it using feeling messages peoples eyes would glaze over or they would say something like you must be very smart and change the subject



  65.  #65Indigo on August 23, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    (((Emerson)))

    Do you think you would be able to be your own best friend? To think of time with yourself as time you get to hang out with the person you love most and who is most important to you? You can make your time alone really fun… organize to do things that maybe other people wouldn’t want to do.

    That way, having other people around is a bonus, rather than a necessity. For me, it’s the difference between abundance thinking and deprivation thinking.

    Just what I would do! 🙂 x



  66.  #66Indigo on August 23, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    Oshun,

    I don’t think he’s playing a game. I think he’s just doing what he wants to do – temperature gauging, as you say. Putting his feelers out. Same thing with inviting you out to that event. I have known a lot of guys who just like to keep in touch, but don’t really mean anything by it. I generally just respond if I feel like it, and don’t if I don’t.



  67.  #67Kyla on August 24, 2014 at 12:45 am

    Emerson in the last 6 years I’ve moved 4 times and changed jobs 4 times and each time Im somewhere brand new with no social or support network. Its so hard and I feel your loneliness. I go to yoga classes so that I’m around other people, I check out cool places by myself and am open to talking to strangers while I’m out and about and I get involved in groups or volunteer so I am connecting with people. Most important thing is the proper care and feeding of you and you can get really creative about how to do that. You are never pathetic and whenever you feel that way congratulate yourself for being aware that you need some tlc and find a way to do that.



  68.  #68Oshun on August 24, 2014 at 1:28 am

    Indigo,

    When guys do things like that, temperature gauge, I feel insulted and amused. My intelligence is insulted and I find it funny that they’d waste their time. That’s just how I feel about “putting feelers out”. I hung out with a guy friend tonight who decided to tell me today that he thought all along I could do much better. He said he never said anything because I liked M. Then he went on to say the me and M’s ex are the same in almost every way, personality, style, hair etc. I don’t know who she is and don’t need too. I’m sure she’s a beautiful woman. But my guy friend wondered how it would work if it didn’t work the first time. I was shocked! Shocked that my guy friend kept all that from me! Lol…smh oh, well I’m glad it didn’t get too deep. If he wants to keep in contact that’s fine. I have no need for it. There will be no more M and Oshun time.



  69.  #69Emerson on August 24, 2014 at 8:20 am

    Thanks Kyla, Indigo and lovetodance.
    All good suggestions. I’m taking a class right now and there are some nice people.
    I spend a lot of time at coffee shops reading for my class and chatting with other customers occasionally.
    I guess I miss that feeling of having close friends nearby to do things with spontaneously, go to each other’s house for dinner etc, just that comfy closeness that you have with close friends or significant other. I don’t have that with anyone right now and it’s so weird for me.
    I don’t mind being by myself but maybe it’s been too much alone time for me lately…I’m an extrovert and i need a lot of time with people…lol
    Kyla thanks for sharing about moving and changing jobs I feel hopeful and encouraged to hear that you made it work…
    I love yoga too and maybe I should look into that…



  70.  #70Emerson on August 24, 2014 at 8:39 am

    66 Kyla thanks for sharing this with me about yourself. I feel open to do those things I just need to get back to a good place of feeling happy and not feeling down and so angry.

    Lovetodance thank you for your words and by reading what you wrote to me, I feel that it’s possible to acknowledge those feelings and process them and maybe it’s not so scary to do that after all…



  71.  #71Emma on August 24, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Dear Rori,

    I need your help!!!
    I’ve been dateing this man for 2 years. I am so inlove with him! Our relationship has been on and off. We are both very inlove with eachother. We spend as much time as we can together and we always have fun together!!

    A few months ago we got into a fight and he thought it would be a great idea to break up so I let him go. I didn’t contact him and finally abou 2 weeks later I heard from him again he wanted to talk. I met up with him and long story short we ended up back together again.

    We spent lots of time together and everything was back to it’s normal self. Then after about 2 months went by and I was feeling distance with him. We had been bickering over little things here and there but ultimately I was feeling like he didn’t want to see me much. He stopped inviting me places with him. He stopped making so much time for me. I figured he just needed space so I gave it to him thinking he would come around.

    Then he stopped talking to me as much. He started to become too busy, too tired. He had this trip to Montana planned out with his boss. I was thinking tht would be good for him to go to Montana and take a vacation off work (since he’s been so busy and tired) and then maybe when he’s gone it will make him miss me and he will come back to being close and lovey with me again.

    However, the night before he left he didn’t even care to see me! He hung out with his sister and made little time to see me. This kind of made me upset. He’s leaving for a trip and doesn’t even bother to spend time with me before he goes?? Well he finally decided to see me that night so I went I his house.

    I was so done with this feeling of him being distant from me so I had to tell him what was on my mind and how I’ve been feeling… He didn’t take to it well. He got mad at me really. I said I was sorry and nothing was his fault and I was only wanting him to know how I felt (I didn’t want him leaving for this trip on a bad note.)

    I hugged him goodnight and went home. The next day he was texting me all day on his drive up to Montana! He seemed really happy and back to normal! I thought I might have did the right thing by telling him how I felt! We texted eachother all that day with the ushally happy smiley text messages.

    Then he just stopped texting back. I figured he got busy and I didn’t think anything of it. A day went by and I still just figured maybe he’s just enjoying himself and doesn’t want to me on his phone. So I didn’t bother him.

    Finally two days went by and I kind of started to worry about him. I called him and my number was blocked!!!!! So I called him on another phone and left a voice mail asking what was going on????? He finally texted back saying he was done! We are over and breaking up! I was so confused as to why this was happening! So I asked him why he was doing this?
    He said “I am happy and I am done! I am sooo over you! This trip made me realise how easy life can be.”
    I just said ok. And I let him go.
    I haven’t talked to him since! He hasn’t called or texted me since. He blocked me in Facebook and I belive my number is still blocked. I’m so confused? Where did I go wrong? I love him very much and this is the last thing I wanted to happen.



  72.  #72Rori Raye on August 24, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Emma – Welcome, and we’ll all help you here. Please get my ebook and any of the programs you can to understand what’s gone on here. The fact that he said “life is easier without you…” says that – to him – you are “hard to be with.” This usually means a lot of anger, and masculine energy – along with a great sexual connection. He’s saying he doesn’t feel “safe” on an emotional level – and though he doesn’t know why and couldn’t tell you – it’s affected his desire to spend time with you. We can help you quickly here – and read everything you can. Love, Rori



  73.  #73Liquid Light on August 24, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Kyla, Thanks for your feedback. I guess its a bit of a sensitive topic for me. With my ex, I got the feeling that he didn’t want to talk about my work. He wasn’t that interested when I started talking about it and so I just didn’t bring it up that much. I had the feeling that he’s the man, he’s got an important job (successful architect with his own practice) and mine wasn’t as important. He was an insecure man though and I think that was part of it.

    But I’ve also gotten that feeling from different dates I’ve been on. They just don’t want to talk about work. It’s rare that I feel comfortable sharing it. And the last guy, another architect, that I’ve mentioned here was one of the few men that I’ve felt comfortable talking about work with. He’s a successful professionally so maybe not threatened by my success?…I don’t know

    But the vibe I got from the guy last night was that he’s not that ambitious and so part of me was not wanting to “up” him regarding work. Ughh. I just don’t like feeling like that and the fact of the matter is I think I need to be with someone who is more ambitious. I need to respect the man that I’m with and that’s part of it for me.



  74.  #74Ignis on August 24, 2014 at 11:38 am

    I think I need some new perspective from you sirens because I am feeling I’m loosing myself. This week has been all over the place, except for Monday which I do not even remember anymore. Tuesday I talked to my ex whom I still love and who already has a new gf. I did every mistake in the book, and instead of going out of my lovely siren place, I went from a desperation. And he will not talk to me anymore, but that somehow made me finally see my desperation and start to embrace it. That felt somehow reliving. Wednesday I went for a date with a guy from tinder and saw how closed I still am, and how nervous i feel around men. I just was not able to loosen up. Friday I had the most amazing night with a cd I used to meet before my ex. It felt like heaven. Saturday I met up with a man i used to date even before that because we are friends now and I missed his daughter, and she missed me so we met up all three of us, today he writes me that he wishes that he could love me, but my feelings are all over the place and that I’m like a puzzle with a lot of pieces missing. and that he feels frustrated and its not easy task to love me. I do not even know what to answer to that. And you Sirens also have seen me all over the place lately. I feel this desperation to fix myself and I feel i want to give up at the same time. In all that I tried to do things for myself, I went to an exhibition, cleaned my house and went for walks and so on. I tried to give myself love and compassion as much as I could, but i do not know where to proceed. I feel so stuck in all the ups and downs and all that happens in my life my arms feel stiff from all the tension and my jaws are just clenching together all the time. In a way it is better than before because there is way less numbness, but now it just feels like its too much.



  75.  #75Femininewoman on August 24, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Ignis do you have a question?



  76.  #76Liquid Light on August 24, 2014 at 11:44 am

    OMG, the guy that I mentioned here a while ago, from online, is wanting to fly out to see me sometime this week! Yikes, I’m so nervous about it!! I think it might be a giant disaster! I really dislike meeting new people (I’m an introvert) and it just takes me a while to feel comfortable with someone. Initially, its awkward and uncomfortable. So I have a hard enough time with meeting new people locally. Meeting someone from out of the area is a lot of pressure.



  77.  #77Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Lovely Sirens,
    Happy Sunday…
    I found this reading Rori’s archives…
    and reinforced what I AM working on
    Baby steps!!!

    “Why is self-acceptance so important in your relationships?
    Because how you see yourself,
    how you feel about yourself – self-judgment, self-criticism, etc – effects your ability to be AUTHENTIC IN RELATIONSHIP.

    The belief is that if you show your true self
    you will not be loved.
    The problem is if YOU DON”T EVER show
    YOUR true self, then you can never be loved
    for who you really are.

    Another problem that arises in relationship that comes from a lack of self-acceptance
    is that we begin to judge our partner’s behavior
    and become critical of them.
    If it is true that all judgment is self-judgment,
    then when we are so annoyed by our partner’s behavior we can ask ourselves “Is this a reflection of a fault within my character?”

    Only by knowing what WE truly need to be HAPPY, what WE truly need in order to NURTURE ourselves,
    can we feel comfortable asking our partners
    to love us in the way we truly can receive love.

    It is in the search for SELF-ACCEPTANCE,
    BELIEVING all parts of us are worthy of being loved, then we begin to learn to love ourselves.
    When WE LOVE OURSELVES
    it becomes easy to ask for what we want,
    it becomes easy to enforce our boundaries,
    and it becomes easy to receive the love we most desire.
    That love is what “true love” is all about.



  78.  #78Ignis on August 24, 2014 at 11:57 am

    @ Femininewoman even that felt like enough to get some new look, I can get so focused on something I just forget sometimes everything I learned here and just drill and drill and get even more stuck. Thank you 🙂
    What I wonder mostly lately when I do not drill is this:
    How do you keep the balance in all the ups and downs? How do you choose which feelings to follow when you feel so much its totally overwhelming and you feel like you are about to explode? Does it supposed to feel like you are going crazy when you finally get to touch the soup after entire life of stuffing things under carpet?



  79.  #79Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Ignis #74….
    Hugggsss… YOU ARE DOING GREAT

    It may not feel like it to you…
    but from what you have shared you are doing the Rori tools!!!
    Doing the Rori tools doesn’t mean you won’t have feelings… in fact… it helps you find MORE feelings…
    identify those feelings
    and LOVE them ALLL!!! So that YOU can
    Have the LOVE YOU crave…. From YOU!!!

    Rori says:
    “Feelings are just feelings.
    They come and go.
    They do not define us.
    They do not relegate us to categories and descriptions and labels.
    Feelings DO make us human, touchable, wonderful, magnetic and individual.
    Instead of spending your energy asking yourself Why? first ask yourself What Am I Feeling Right Now? and take that feeling into your gut and LOVE HER!!!”



  80.  #80Beloved on August 24, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    I feel …sweet again.
    I just took a yummy bath in Magickal True Love essence bath salts, getting ready for a massage in a bit.
    I feel so happy and yum!

    A few hours ago, I took out my books and looked at them. Thoughts and feelings swirled and bounced around. I feel like I’m condemning myself to a blue-collar career life. An opposing thought, reminding me that going to massage therapy school and getting my license opened me up to all new worlds, opened up SO many doors to extraordinary experiences and an amazing life. This is stupid, so stupid, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Feeling a pull to go back to the safety of my old job.
    Well, I say to myself as I sit in the soup, it’s not too late to back out. P said she would take me back if I wanted to go back. If this really is too much, if it really is not the right thing for me, I can turn back. I can admit if I am making a mistake.

    A sudden, impish smile erupts on my face…naww….
    I lie back, sink into the soup. All of the thoughts, all of the feelings…welcoming the repeating thought, “stupid, stupid, stupid, this is so stupid, I must be stupid, I must like to do stupid things, so so so stupid”. Breathing easy into it, letting it and the feelings just be there, swirling.

    I feel patient and gentle with myself. I feel kind and loving. I promised myself I would love myself no matter which choice I make, no matter what. Either way, I love and approve of myself and my choices. No shame in choosing comfort and security and the familiar, no shame, it’s perfect if that’s what I really want and I love me, all the way, all the way through.

    Suddenly, I feel a rush of sensation through my heart and I burst into a giggle fit. Awww, I know how I am, I just have to fight every d@mned thing.
    I feel Even More Certain of my choice to go to school than before. Even more resolved. I feel even lighter, and the strings that felt like pulling me back to the old and familiar feel dissolved, I feel more whole and present and alive.

    That annoying voice that always asks, “what am I doing? what am I DOING” sings it song. Softly, quietly, almost imperceptibly, I hear a whisper of a response – “giving myself my heart’s desire. Isn’t that what I’ve yearned for, for so long?”

    I almost don’t want to hear it. It seems almost like I’m getting away with something, like actually getting what I want is doing something kind of wrong.

    I smile a tiny little secret smile to myself. I feel tender, nascent, slowly and sweetly blossoming.



  81.  #81Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Ignis…
    also Rori says to start out with identifying the simple feelings…
    sad, happy, angry, confused, thankful
    In the beginning, when i was trying to EVEN know what a feeling looked like…
    they swirled ALLLL around me and made me feel soooo confused i couldn’t even Identify ONE…
    so I’d just choose a feeling (whether it was what I actually was feeling or NOT)
    and take it and LOVE it and hug it and
    sit with it…
    Baby steps… BRAVE, courageous YOU!!



  82.  #82Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    LiquidL#76
    kisses and hugggss!!!
    I LOVE me being an introvert
    I LOVE that this feels like a Giant disaster
    I LOVE that I dislike meeting New people…
    Ahhhh LL….alll the wonderful parts of YOU
    are SOOOO Yummy!!!



  83.  #83Femininewoman on August 24, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Ignis I get the impression that you are feeling like a cauldron on emotions that might have you a bit confused. Even that is alright. I don’t know how long you have been doing this work the only thing I can say is that there is no hurry to get through them all, to the bottom of them all or understand them. Just a kind of noticing with judgement and accepting that they are your feelings. And like yayy I am feeling is enough if you can do that.



  84.  #84Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    (((Beloved)))
    the road to SOMETHING BETTER…
    is paved with many doubting sec, min, hours, days…

    Keep remembering how Excellent if feels to make a good living
    doing something YOU LOVE!!!
    Believe ME
    cause everyday, no matter what,
    at least I LOVE what I do to make a living!!!



  85.  #85Oshun on August 24, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Thanks again, Beloved! I read the post whi ch explains exactly how I feel about the situation with M…and anybody who primarily texts as a means of building a relationship. It went from great effort to crumbs and I can’t get full off of crumbs nobody can. Thank you for sending me that. I will keep reading. :o)



  86.  #86Lucy on August 24, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Sirens,

    Worked today, and was very into my boy energy.

    Came home wanting to eat, which is my pattern for when my feminine is denied — and screaming for attention.

    Luckily, I just jumped into bed, got under the covers, and drank some water. Stayed with the uncomfortableness of dealing with my intense feelings — and they subsided.

    Now I just finished watching “The Fisher King” a great Robin Williams movie. Am crying for about the first time in a while. Not big sobs, just teary, especially at the part where Lydia sees Parry in the hospital and realizes he came out of his coma.

    And actually I cried the other day for something….

    What Rori says really works — thank you Rori! And I give myself a little pat on the back for staying with myself.

    Actually my feelings are not just a separate part of me — they’re the deepest part of who I really am. And being more open is allowing my creativity to just open up so! I improvised at church today (I”m a music director for a living) and felt the Spirit inspiring me.

    THANK YOU RORI! Thank you Sirens for listening! Thank you me for being willing to take the journey…

    Lucy



  87.  #87Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    ((((Lucy)))
    Lovely, Lovely siren,,,
    I like the action you took when you were
    feeling overwhelmed… going to bed, under the covers, feeling your feelings, and drinking water…
    I’m going to try that now…



  88.  #88Lucy on August 24, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    Actually a lot of synergistic things have been happening since I started this program…..

    At church, me and my boss ( a priest, and just the nicest man you could ever imagine) pick songs and readings whose themes match. Even he mentioned the word “synergy” (amazing for him because he likes to be logical lol)

    And my daughter just started playing a beautiful piece of music on the piano that sounded like improv, but was something she found on the internet. She’s doing something from the heart, something she loves….which is good for her, as she works so hard at achievement and hates to practise piano.

    Lucy



  89.  #89Lucy on August 24, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    ((((Azure)))))

    Yes.

    Doing nothing is a very powerful thing.

    Rori is right — it does make your feelings change when you embrace what *is* and just let it move through your body…..



  90.  #90Lucy on August 24, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    ((((Azure Blue))))

    Thank you for post #77!



  91.  #91Lucy on August 24, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    (((Beloved)))))

    Thank you for #80.

    I feel your inner dialogue as resonating mine.

    Realised it’s ok to be creative for the sake of being creative (my feminine). Also, proud of myself for getting the music degree, finding a “safe” musical job (masculine).

    We are paid more for masculine type activities as this is still a masculine world. We need a balance, and us sirens are doing that.

    Lucy



  92.  #92todd on August 24, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    My GF just dumped me a week ago, I want to send her a long letter I wrote, but I want someone that has a clue to read it before I send it and tell me if it will do more harm than good, and what parts to cut out of it.
    I want her back, and there is no other guy. I scared her because I want to get serious but I am not so sure she does.
    HELP



  93.  #93todd on August 24, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Some background is in order.
    We are both professional people, i am divorced, so is she awhile ago. No guy has ever gotten past the first date with her, and I have been on close to 50 dates with her.
    We have everything you can think of in common, but I want to take it to the next level, and I think she got cold feet. After 50 dates? Really?
    She listed some really dumb reasons to drop me, but I think she just got cold feet.
    I can elaborate privately, but I don’t know what to do.
    I wrote a letter, i want to be sure I don’t put anything in it that would hurt more than help.
    I don’t know what to do, she is worth fighting for.



  94.  #94Rori Raye on August 24, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Todd – I’ve written to you personally – we generally don’t allow men on here because it inhibits the process we’re experimenting with (called “riffing”) – it’s not about making sense, it’s about diving into emotions….

    AND – I’ve let your two comments through because I know everyone here will reach out to HELP YOU! I’ve also sent you some referrals to women coaches who have GREAT success with men! You need an “edge” – you’re clearly too “easy…” and nice – we need to ramp up your “bad” along with your obvious “good.” A little bit of cool will do the trick….Get specific help to know what to do, say, text, etc….Love, Rori



  95.  #95justagirl on August 24, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    Hello everyone! I am new here, I hope I can find some advice and direction…I have spent hours pouring over all of the posts, there are so many but they are all so good (even the painful ones)…

    So here goes. I’ve been married for 14 years. Over the past several years, my husband has become very gloom and doom, become obese, and has pretty much been a jerk for about 9 years. Plus, he has moved us all over the place, we have lost so much money because the timing was so bad…we are currently in a bankruptcy, hanging onto the house barely. I have done all I can to be supportive, all these years, going along, being the good wife.

    Well I’m done. I am SO done. He has been such a jerk, mean spirited, controlling, using guilt to get me to do things I don’t want to do.

    About 3 weeks he went off on me, totally. Scared the skin off of me. Since then I have been cold as stone. I can barely speak to him.

    He apologized a few days later, but only after I said ‘you never even apologized, and this isn’t the first time you’ve done this’.

    Long story short…he’s getting all weepy and sad and really kind of grossing me out, how he doesn’t want to lose me, 14 years is too much to give up on…THEN he comes up with this gem : I’m making an appointment for us to go see a counselor on Friday’. What? Excuse me? I do’t think so. He does this all the time, he just makes these decisions and expect me to just go along because he told me so. This time, I said,. ‘Ummm, sorry, what? It sounds like you are telling me what to do’. Which irritated him of course, but really? I’m not a 5 year old.

    The other morning he cornered me and asked if I wanted to talk…and I said I did, but not right that minute. What did he do? continued to lecture me, all the while keeping me cornered. It’s been like that for DAYS. He is just badgering me, getting all sappy and ridiculous and SO unmanly I can’t barely stomach it.

    And now, he has accused me of wanting to cheat…which I’ve had many opportunites, but never have. He’s done the research online, you see, and I display all the earmark behaviors. so it must be so.

    I am so angry, I am sorry for venting like this, but I have no where else. He’s calling me like all day long…driving me nuts, I was supposed to have the day to myself. I don’t know if he is checking up on me or actually doing a bad job of ‘trying’. Not only that, he put a note in my purse. NOBODY goes in my purse. I have nothing to hide, it’s just a matter of privacy. I was so mad and creeped out… It’s just too much, it’s nauseating me completely. Add to that, he cornered me again last night, and said when he gets back home he ‘wants to be intimate again’. Well good luck with that, mister.

    It’s like he’s been a jerk, and gone, for 10 years, and he wants to just start at a certain point. No way jose. I would have been willing to start over, from the beginning…not jumping into sex, even though we are married, we haven’t done anything for years. And I’m ok with that, as I have zero attraction for him.

    The pressure he is putting on me is making me sick. Now the ‘intimacy’ thing is nauseating me, I feel like I’m being ordered around and it feels like a threat, even though I’m sure it’s not meant to be. But I have NO intention of sleeping in the same bed. No Way.

    So. What to do? How do I say, kindly or otherwise, to Back Off?

    I don’t know. I’m jsut so nauseated I can barely think. And dreading him coming home. I feel like I have to run away. It’s like he wants everything perfect in a matter of minutes, when he’s spend years being a dick.

    I used feeling messages at first, saying
    ‘I feel too hurt and belitteld to talk about anything right now’. And that worked for a while, until he decided he didn’t care if I wanted to talk or not.

    I don’t want him to come home. I just don’t. I’ve started looking for jobs, which will be tricky, being a mom for 15 years…



  96.  #96Kyla on August 24, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    I have a man that almost never ever says he loves me, although he says it with other words and with all of his actions. Its funny that this is something that would have made me feel so insecure a year ago and yet I’ve never felt so completely secure now. He will say it back to me if I say it, which I rarely do maybe once a month, and he’s only ever said it without me saying it first once, the very first time. Until right now when we were texting and I said I felt a bit insecure (about what we were talking about) and he says those little words and yet it was all the other stuff he said after that meant a million times more. I’ve heard I love you and said I love you to so many men over the years that they don’t hold the magic power that they once did. Do I feel loved and secure? Does he show his love daily? Do I feel understood? Thats what I care about now.



  97.  #97cristina on August 24, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Not sure if my comment was seen on the last post.
    I need help sirens and Rori.
    8 months ago I met the man who I had imagined I would want.
    I described what he would be exactly: kind, giving, romantic, outgoing, smart, friendly, good to me, and totally in love with me.
    All that is there.
    He is everything I asked for.
    In the beginning I dated him and i was not sure, because prior to him I had only dated men who were not a good fit for me, I was used to being obsessed and receiving nothing from men.
    Time went by I felt he won me over by being so nice so good to me we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
    I was happy in the beginning.
    We moved in together because i needed the help.
    We are still young both in our 20’s and i am in college and he has been working since he was 16.
    Maybe a month into our relationship he told me he was in love.
    Hes a good guy and i appreciate him so much.
    But sometimes I feel suffocated by so much affection.
    Im scared i am hurting him because i dont if its love i feel for him.
    I have never known love before so i dont know if this is it.
    I don’t pin after this man, I feel secure with him, i speak from my heart most of the time, and he’s opened to communication and improving our relationship.
    THe thing is i’m restless about this. I mean to him like push him away when he tries to get near me, im moody, i dont know how to make peace with myself on so many things.
    Sometimes i want to break up with him because i am not doing enough for this man, not being the best i can, but i cant bring myself to that.
    I have everything anyone could want in a relationship, but dont know how to deal how to be. How
    I Dont know if i love him and its making me crazy.
    Or maybe its love and i just dont realize it.



  98.  #98Dominique on August 24, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    Lucy – It feels so lovely having you back.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  99.  #99Dominique on August 24, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    Cristina – You’ve answered your own questions here – you are young and still have lots of exploring and growing to do. Your restlessness may just be indicating this, the need to discover who Cristina is, what she wants, what she loves to do, who she loves to be with, and so on.

    Filling your life with things you love to do, fill you with passion, people who make you smile are great places to start with. Keeping your heart open and curious to what is as well as to possibility. And this could include this man too.

    He’s a big boy, and it’s not your responsibility to protect his feelings. He will feel what he feels, and you can’t control this.

    You must take care of you in the best way you know how, and the rest will likely come clear for you – in time.

    xxoo



  100.  #100Femininewoman on August 24, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Is this Lucy, Brenda’s friend? I’ve been wondering if this is you.

    How is your daughter? Last time there was some health crisis happening in either another country or another state.



  101.  #101Emma on August 24, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    I lost the love of my life I dated for two years because I made things too hard for him! I used too much masculine energy. I pushed him away!!! I love him dearly! He won’t even talk to me!! And if I try to talk to him he says I’m bugging him! How on earth do I get him back?!? How can I tell him that I can be better?!



  102.  #102Labbit on August 24, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Emma,

    First, big ((((((hugs)))))) to you. The most important thing right now no matter how things may seem is taking care of YOU. You need to forget about him for a little while. It may feel scary, it may feel like the end of your world to you right now but it’s not. Far from it. It’s the beginning. The beginning of a much happier, more relaxed, easier feeling life.

    Continuing to contact him is not going to do any good. You can’t tell a man that you’re going to be better…that’s just not how it works. If you focus on healing yourself he and any man will FEEL the difference all on their own. Right now you are like an addict that needs a ‘fix’. This is not bad, it’s normal! You need to BREATHE. Feel whatever emotions you’re feeling. Sadness, fear, grief, whatever it is. Cry. Scream. Sleep. Know that with the help you’ll find here and in Rori’s tools you will smile again…you might be happier than you’ve ever known.

    Have you purchased Rori’s e-book? I can’t say enough wonderful things about it. It’s a great place to start understanding what’s going inside of you. When I first discovered Rori I didn’t even know how to feel most of my own emotions. These days I love every part of myself and you will too.

    If this is the right man for you he’s not gone forever. And the quickest way to get him back is to forget about him right now and focus on healing YOU. It may sound counter-intuitive but it’s true.



  103.  #103Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Emma… BIG hugs to you…
    So brave of you to share YOUR feelings with us
    To share YOUR pain and sadness…

    Labbitt has said Many true and helpful things!!
    I agree with them all!!!

    Rori says:
    “It is in the search for SELF-ACCEPTANCE,
    BELIEVING all parts of us are worthy of being loved, then we begin to learn to love ourselves.
    When WE LOVE OURSELVES
    it becomes easy to ask for what we want,
    it becomes easy to enforce our boundaries,
    and it becomes easy to receive the love we most desire.
    That love is what “true love” is all about.”



  104.  #104CurvySiren10 on August 24, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    99 Femininewoman, that’s a different Lucy. The previous Lucy’s daughter passed away…I think it was close a year and a half ago now. Very heartbreaking.



  105.  #105Labbit on August 24, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    Last night I had my second date of the week with TenderCD. He was being very mysterious — he told me we were going to dinner and requested I wear a specific dress that he likes a lot. Usually on our dates we meet up either at a restaurant or at a central point and then walk there together. This time he said he’d like to come pick me up. I thought this meant we were going somewhere close to me.

    Instead, come date time he picked me up in a rental car! He was so sweet, coming out of the car to greet me with a very hot kiss and then opening my car door for me. We ended up leaving the city and going to a restaurant about 45 minutes away near where he grew up. The drive out was a fine time to relax and just be. I caught myself a couple of times tensing up as though I was driving, but mostly it was a very easy ride with flowing conversation and some affectionate touching — my hand on his leg or his hand grazing my body tenderly every so often.

    Dinner was at a lovely spot near a beach overlooking the water. We talked about a lot over dinner. He asked me about past relationships and opened up completely about his. I’m mostly in the “the past is the past” club but he was so open and vulnerable that I thanked him for telling me his past. I appreciated his openness very much. Then he talked about the future…oh how this felt delightful. We walked on the beach after dinner for awhile…holding hands the entire time.

    After beach he drove me home and came up to my apartment for a little while. I’m still not feeling all the way there yet for sex, and I can feel my walls start to come up when the heat turns up. It’s very easy for my mind to drop all feeling messages in this situation and go into defensive mode. With all the CDing practice I’ve had though I was able to keep in my body with feeling messages this time! When it got too heated I shared that I felt like things were moving too fast and he said “I agree.” We discussed it a bit and agreed that it would be best to wait until an overnight we could spend together when the time is right. I felt so relieved, he listened to me and honored my feelings.

    I’m feeling touchy about sex right now because I’m discovering that in the past I sometimes used sex as a tool to try to make a man fall for me. Most of my relationships have been very long-term but the last year has been dating. I was sexy but not soft, physically but not emotionally attractive to a man. Now that I see that doesn’t work, I’m feeling out when it does feel right to move to that level of intimacy. I feel conflicted because the insecure part of me wants to demand a relationship even though the secure part of me knows that it has to be an organic growth. I’ve been writing out a few scripts of things I might say. I’m not sure I have to say anything. I want to make sure we’re on the same page about sexual exclusivity and that we both see each other in the same romantic terms. Or I might be completely overthinking this. 🙂



  106.  #106Labbit on August 24, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Then today I hung out with two friends of mine who are about 15 years older than me. They’ve been married for nearly 25 years already, got married before they turned 20! They are so in love and it used to ick me out a bit because I thought no one could possibly REALLY be like that. Cynical old me! Now I know better and I found CD’ing them today completely wonderful. I felt romantic and inspired watching the way they still touch each other affectionately, how they listen to each other and work as a team and share feeling messages in a natural, sometimes playful, but never harsh way. Even when one partner does something the other clearly doesn’t like they don’t pick on each other. They might tease a little but it’s all in good fun. They told me they do bicker in private and I’m sure that’s true but overall the love vibrates off of them and I was happy to be in their energy field today to absorb it.



  107.  #107Emerson on August 24, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Hi sirens,
    I had weird dreams last night and a weird day today…but it was a good day too. I’m ready to go back to work tomorrow and back to my routine. When I have too much time off I start feeling the sting if loneliness….
    I feel better now though than I did last night. I feel a powerful pull towards recycledCD and I know it is not a healthy thing for me to feel because it feels stressful and unreachable…
    He is emotionally unavailable. Sexually available and emotionally unavailable.
    Not for me.
    We are all on our own journey.
    I need to vote for me and make sure I am taking care if me!
    I feel so empty this weekend and overcome with longing for a partner… I hate feeling this way. Thank you sirens for allowing me to be reminded to just fall into the soup and love the negative feelings along with the rest of me. Sink into my feelings and just let go!



  108.  #108Beloved on August 24, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Azure Blue I feel hugged and I feel appreciation for your attention 🙂
    You asked on another thread about my baby – my youngest son died shortly after his birth nearly 26 years ago. I didn’t want to ignore your question, and I don’t want to say much more about it.
    Tonight, during my massage, I felt a release, a connection with a part of myself that had dissociated way back then, I shed some heartwrenching, cleansing tears. I feel much more at peace now with myself over the whole thing.

    <3 Hugs, all, and sweet dreams! <3



  109.  #109Mandy on August 24, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Emerson 37 –

    “There are times when I bear myself up for leaning forward or feeling needy. I have learned to be more gentle with myself recently and let it go”

    ME TOO. Right now I want to get romantic with J, and I took a short minute to come to the blog and say, you know, my mind goes blank when I want to be sireny in the presence of J, and right now I feel so confused and needy of his touch…and actually i’m kind of laughing at myself and it’s funny and it feels good to be able to laugh at myself a little and shrug it off and see how well I can do feeling myself into it 🙂 Just being quiet and introspective, finding the beauty outside with him in the night sky, being surprised and delighted when I see the bats hanging out in the tree across from us, looking at the big dipper…I always crave something new and exciting and this is not new and exciting time, this is relaxing time, so I have that internal conflict, lol 🙂

    Let’s see what I can do to make this a Sireny night for myself 🙂



  110.  #110Emerson on August 24, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    108 Mandy
    Aw thanks I feel heard 🙂
    Bats hanging outside sounds pretty cool! I feel giggly reading that!



  111.  #111Indigo on August 24, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    On Friday night, like I told you ladies, BM and I went out to a music gig. It was so much fun – the band was really good, BM was so sweet and attentive and very affectionate, and we didn’t stay long, and I was back home by a reasonable hour with BM giving me a lingering goodbye. We had tentative plans for Saturday night, but he said to let me know if I felt up to it, and I did text him the next day to say that whilst I would love to do our plans, maybe another time. After responding that he was also quite tired, I didn’t hear from him the rest of the weekend, which surprised me, but didn’t throw me off. It is early days after all.



  112.  #112Indigo on August 24, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    Instead, on Saturday, I went round to D’s house, where I stayed until Sunday morning. It felt very wonderful and relaxing. We made cocktails and sat in the Jacuzzi and talked, we watched the rugby together and cuddled. We also each did our own thing a lot, and just also chatted in passing in an easy, comfortable way. I can’t describe his energy – it was so sweet and relaxed – he would just come up to me while I was making dinner and kiss me thank you, or just put his arms around me and look into my face and smile.

    It was like I’ve seen him open up more and more, as I’ve opened up more and more and become more relaxed myself. He said while we were talking in the Jacuzzi “If we were married”, and we also had spare ribs for dinner and he made the comment out of the blue that it was the same thing he had had on our first date (which was 4 years ago).

    It is hard to describe – he does so many little, attentive things nowadays that make me happy. I am so happy and comfortable around him. We have that strong bond like we are family – when you love someone like that you don’t just stop loving them.

    I feel curious and open about how my life will unfold.



  113.  #113Emerson on August 24, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    111 indigo that sounds lovely!



  114.  #114Mandy on August 24, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    Emerson,

    Hehe, reading that, it makes me wish you could hang out with us too…if you were in the area, I’d so invite you over for the delicious and healthy soup I’m making 😉

    Boy I feel happy and content tonight 🙂



  115.  #115Indigo on August 24, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    Thank you Emerson *happy blush*



  116.  #116April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 4:58 am

    Labbit,

    I’m feeling fascinated and eager for the next instalment of what is happening for you. Your discoveries sound precious and wonderful.



  117.  #117Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Labbitt #104
    Ahhhh…. a date with a surprise//// and VERY romantic!!!
    it alll sounds soooo intimate…
    You were staying in contact with YOUR feelings
    receiving allllll the wonderful, warm attention
    Tender was giving you
    Talk of the future!!!
    AND YOU listened to YOU
    Not being ready for sex…
    shared this with Tender in a soft Sireny way…
    Such a beautiful Date!!!



  118.  #118Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Indigo…
    I am inspired by your ability to juggle
    these 2 men who want sooo much of your time
    and warm, soft sireny attention!!!

    I usually get sooo overwhelmed I have to
    break off one of them…

    this is alll sooo lovely to read about!!!



  119.  #119Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Mandy 4 & 5,

    I’ve just seen your posts now, and I wanted to weigh in.

    I thought these were such good suggestions about changing up your look, your hair… about expanding your mind by learning new practices, new ways of thinking, taking new classes. SO great. Taking SUCH great care of you.

    And I wanted to say, it comes through from your post that maybe you feel guilty about going on a Circular Date… I feel you have been more that patient, more than understanding with J. I can understand you not wanting to cheat on J, yet, if you are looking and feeling so good, it seems wrong to me somehow if you should not get to enjoy the harmless sexual attention of a man when your boyfriend is not having sex with you, and you have done almost everything to try and rectify the situation. Know that his lack of desire to have sex is not about you, and that it is fully understandable that you would feel frustrated and angry about not having sex with your man, and nearly every woman would feel the same way.

    If it were me, I would just keep exploring ways to keep making myself feel good and desirable – and you needn’t cross any of your own boundaries – but I feel sure things will resolve themselves and become clear to you.



  120.  #120Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Azure Blu,

    I feel so flattered by your comment to me,

    And yet, in all truth, I go from one extreme to the other at times – sometimes I feel needy inside, like I want to cry; other times I feel overwhelmed when it is a few nights in a row and I have not had a night to myself.

    Overall, I have more peace than I have ever before. I feel a million times more clear on how to deal with these men, how to handle the different scenarios which come up than I would have at one time… I can feel how my peace and clarity is growing as the days go by… yet I do have shaky times.

    I believe it will be like this for me, until one clear front-runner emerges 🙂

    xx



  121.  #121Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Indigo…
    The time with D sounds sooo romantic!!
    It’s interesting to read… how you
    being able to be more open and authentic
    has made him feel safe…
    There is a post that Rori had
    about our ability to be vulnerable IS safety making
    which is what men CRAVE!!!
    In my mind… we ALLL crave…



  122.  #122Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 6:34 am

    For example, today I had a shaky, needy day.

    And this is after a weekend where I had lovely, loving attention.

    I felt unsure how to deal with these feelings which came up – maybe they were hormones, maybe it more layers of healing being pulled away, maybe it is just feelings coming up calling on me to be patient and caring with myself. It is on days like this in the past when I usually would have either reached out/leaned forward, or even unconsciously started a fight just to feel some sort of connection.

    Instead I just spent most of the day just feeling into my feelings… sitting and being with myself in my office, just being with me, being patient. When I did communicate with the two guys, I kept my communication short and simple and sincere.

    Just feeling through it all….



  123.  #123Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Azure Blu 120,

    What’s really interesting is that there was a time I was so terrified of being honest with him, of expressing how I truly felt to him, for fear of making waves…

    These days, I don’t hold back my real self. I honestly say how I feel, very often spinning it into something we can actually both laugh about, so that we can laugh about it, but that he gets me…

    He has responded so well. Usually he just looks into my eyes and smiles back.



  124.  #124Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Beloved #107
    How honored I feel that you shared this loss with
    us here on Siren Island…

    What I have learned about my grief in the 10 years I have been experiencing it…
    We all have our own journey with our grief…
    It is a lifelong experience and sometimes it needs
    tending and hugging and loving
    and other times it will be in the background

    It has tenderized MY heart in ways I never thought possible…
    It also has a deep and profound sadness that
    that has gripped MY heart so
    that I couldn’t listen to music for 7 yrs.
    because music brought up too much emotions…
    JUST unbelievable when I read this…

    I’m not sure I have actually
    held my hand out
    for my Grief, I love you Grief
    I won’t push you away
    I want you to sit here next to me
    Lean your weary head on my lap
    and just be here together…
    I will NEVER reject You again
    Darling Grief…



  125.  #125Beloved on August 25, 2014 at 6:52 am

    (((Azure Blue)))



  126.  #126April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 7:05 am

    ” I’m a girl, and girls need to be touched ”

    from Rori’s teleclass last week.

    [plus, She recommended that we all take a lover..]

    I don’t want to try and write it all out in context. It would feel sooo good and solid and team-making if we all had access to these precious teleclass recordings. I would feel so relaxed.



  127.  #127April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 7:07 am

    wanting to make an impact – any impact/create an outcome – comes from masculine energy (great for work, etc)

    wanting to simply experience life as a girl = being in feminine energy



  128.  #128Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Indigo #121
    Huuuugggggs!!! for your shaky needy self…

    I feel good reading that you are experiencing
    embracing, celebrating
    every nuance of YOU!!!
    YOU Are BRAVE!!!

    I have found… for me…
    when I have been vulnerable and open
    the next day I feel shacky, unsure,
    my soup comes up
    I think it is because I am DRASTICALLY
    changing MY patterns and MY
    entire psyche is turned upside down
    trying to move me forward…
    BUT my subconscious is desperately
    trying to protect ME in the old way…
    which is closed off… Building MY wallss!!
    Ahhh how great it is to change MY
    OLD Habits.



  129.  #129Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 7:33 am

    April Rose #125-126
    I feel sooo cared for by YOU sharing what you learned at the Rori teleclass!!!

    Such a soft, loving siren you are…

    It’s interesting Rori believes we should all have a lover!!!
    YES, I’m a Girl and Girls NEED to be touched… :->>
    Spirit is Sooo affectionate and totally into PDA!!
    ME TOO

    I can remember 20 years ago… raising my 2 children… I would take a lover…
    only see them at night… have wild fun sex and then leave (or kick them out) while my children were sleeping…
    I would get attached… and then the drama began for me… Obviously this is WAY before Rori!!!

    I can’t understand how this would work for ME
    I would have to be MUCH stronger on the inside to
    sustain this sort of set up…
    and the guys ALWAYS get pouty and dont’ want me to see anyone else
    OR I get attached and get confused…
    the last sex I had was sooo bad I haven’t wanted any in 5 months



  130.  #130April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Azure Blu,

    I feel good reading your warm response.

    AND, I’m feelin all mixed up with
    1. Wanting to make an impact (by sharing with you what I learned)
    2. Not wanting to work so hard or ‘take care’ of others.

    Anyway, almost EVERY post I’m reading on the blog at the moment is triggering a memory of something juicy that Rori brought up on the teleclass!!!

    So… for YOU….

    here goes
    “…the guys ALWAYS get pouty and dont’ want me to see anyone else OR I get attached and get confused…”

    Rori says “What do you believe and where are your experiences coming from? Have you decided that the bad experiences you had are all there is? As opposed to temporary bad experiences based on your belief system, how you’re doing it, your skills, and all of that. And that CAN be fixed.”



  131.  #131Femininewoman on August 25, 2014 at 8:55 am

    Thanks for sharing April.

    ” I’m a girl, and girls need to be touched ”

    I am reading words and they have triggered a lot of weeping both inside and on my outsides. They have served as a reminder of what my experience of being a girl has been. How untouched I had been growing and how much touch means to me. How fearful I am of being rejected and how shut down I have been not wanting to be rejected or coming across as begging for affection. Being a girl has not exactly been easy for me.



  132.  #132Femininewoman on August 25, 2014 at 8:55 am

    Just feeling so tired of experiencing some things.



  133.  #133Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Azure Blu, thank you for your affirming response in 127…

    I feel so happy that you shared that you feel shaky and unsure the day after being vulnerable and open… This helps me to build awareness, to know that this is perhaps a very normal response to changing our way of doing things. It reassures me. Helps me to be confident that I am right in being gentle with myself.

    Thank you!

    After feeling like this most of the day, BM phoned unexpectedly, and I felt caring energy coming towards me again.

    x



  134.  #134Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 9:00 am

    April Rose 125,

    Thank you for sharing dear… I wish Mandy could have access to this class.



  135.  #135IamHis on August 25, 2014 at 9:01 am

    I feel so confused. I guess coworker and I got to second base the other night? Haven’t heard from him. Feel worried that I was a tease. Felt good in the moment, thought I could feel ok if I never saw him again, but now I feel all piney. Feeling annoyed with myself. Grrr…



  136.  #136Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 9:02 am

    (((Feminine Woman)))

    You are so strong and wise… how lovely it might be for you to just melt into another’s reassuring embrace so you could just be a girl.



  137.  #137Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 9:02 am

    IamHis,

    When is the other night? Remember boy time.



  138.  #138IamHis on August 25, 2014 at 9:11 am

    (((((Feminine woman)))) – I feel for you.



  139.  #139Oshun on August 25, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Indigo,

    What is boy time? I was about to post an update and saw “boy time” so I had to ask.



  140.  #140IamHis on August 25, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Indigo, thanks for showing interest in my story, it feels comforting. I don’t understand boy time at all! Or what it even is! All I know is that it never feels matched with mine. It either feels too fast or not fast enough, never perfect. This was Saturday night and I haven’t heard from him. I feel vulnerable because I shared my complete and total lack of dating history and started to feel extremely sad and shakey In the process. He could tell and was so sweet. He said hey, look at me, it’s ok, I’m not going to judge you.



  141.  #141Oshun on August 25, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Good morning, sirens. It’s still morning where I am. I hope all is well with you all!

    I enjoy reading the comments. Zara’s #20 comment was so inspiring. I had to copy and paste it to save it on my phone!

    Right now I am feeling a little tired and anxious having a lot of family coming into town. I will feel sooooooooooo relieved when everything is finished. I love my alone time.

    As far as CDing, I had somebody, a man, approach me online. They said they have been thinking about calling me and feel ready to take that step. I felt so flattered. We have communicated online for a while…and I had an idea he was interested but he never expressed that plainly so I just kept it friendly. We’ll see what happens and even if nothing does, I’m a step closer to whatever I want.

    A few other prospects, but I’m more excited to get back to focusing on Oshun once my family reunion is done. I am worn out. Lol

    Happy Monday ladies! You are all amazing and inspring. :o)



  142.  #142Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 9:25 am

    April Rose!!!
    Thank you!!! I feel good and feel heard!!

    Mmmmm… my experiences around sex and lovers…
    Like FW I experienced hardly any physical contact while growing up… so I seem sooo easily excited by big, warm manly arms around me and on me… Spirit met me at TGIF on Fri… he sat down next to me, grabbed my arm and kissed it alllll the way down to the fingerss…. MMMMM…. Sighhhh…

    Also MOST of the past 20 years I have been without sex or physical contact…
    Me choosing to concentrate on raising my 2 children (NO child support or family around)
    Maybe I feel like I’m STARVING for manly attention…
    Maybe not… ???
    for the past 3 years I have been getting quite a bit of positive manly attention!!! Yay!!!
    I don’t really feel like i’m starving…

    BUT when I do have sex… I do not stay in the moment very much…
    I have a VERY difficult time asking for what feels good… My xhusband (was with him for 12yrs) was such a great lover… He knew exactly what made me feel good and i never had to tell him… I experienced orgasms etc always!!!
    I guess I thought that was how it is supposed to be???

    Now, with the Rori tools… I think it will be interesting to see how I can stay in the moment…
    Not fly away…



  143.  #143IamHis on August 25, 2014 at 9:31 am

    I know I was totally sending mixed signals. He kissed my forehead, tried to actually kiss me and I dodged him, he ended up kissing my closed eye, which actually made me feel giggly. He asked if I wanted to cuddle and I said yes. I moved over toward him on the couch and put my arm around his waist. He took my hand and placed it on his chest and told me to touch and enjoy. He guided my hand a little bit, then left me to my own will. I let my hand rest and then recoiled it back to my own body and he said I can feel you tensing up. I said I know, it’s just I guess I feel like I don’t know you well enough. He seemed ok with that and just gently stroked my arm and my leg and my lower back. At one point he told me he felt turned on, and I just giggled. Then he asked did I want him to stop? I said no, I mean if you want, & then he got really firm with me and said “no, do YOU want me to stop and I said no, I mean this all feels really good.



  144.  #144IamHis on August 25, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Then, he rolled over next to me and I looked up at him and smiled and he asked me if I felt turned on and I said honestly no, this all just feels really comforting. At some point I told him I felt starved for touch.

    I had told him I liked it when guys were more aggressive and how picky I was and I guess he took this as an invitation. He took my head in his hands and ran his hands through my hair, pulled me dangerously close to him and held me firmly before letting go and just lying close.

    He asked me if I was ok and I said yes. My face was really close to his chest and I wanted to kiss his chest, but I didn’t because I somehow knew that that would turn me on to where I couldn’t control myself, and I knew it would make it more difficult for him too.

    He kept stroking my arms and legs and then he briefly grazed my inner thighs and if he had kept doing that I knew I would have been long gone.

    Shortly after that he abruptly stopped and told me I should go.

    I felt embarrassed, but talked to him a little more while he put the dishes in the sink.

    Then he came to hug me goodbye and I told him I didn’t want to go. I told him I felt really safe with him while we hugged.

    He walked me to the door and hugged me again and just kind of grazed the back of my body with his hands (my bum included, which is the most sexual way he had touched me all night, for me at least.)

    I felt sleepy and almost intoxicated with him. My hand found his chest and I simply said thank you and that was it.

    Phew.

    Now, I just feel extremely confused about it all and I have a feeling I’m not going to hear from him again…



  145.  #145Rori Raye on August 25, 2014 at 9:57 am

    just a girl – welcome, and there’s so much here, and we’ll help. First – some tough love (please don’t read if you don’t want to hear straight talk from me you won’t at all like)..I absolutely do NOT get where you’re coming from. I don’t understand why, feeling as you do – to the point of turning DOWN an appointment with a counselor, which I would, instead, encourage you to APPLAUD and GO!!!- you aren’t already way separated and divorced by now. If this is about money, and supporting yourself – that gets handled in a divorce. Clearly, you want nothing to do with this man you despise, and clearly, you have no desire to make this marriage “work.” You’ve allowed yourself to become bitterly angry for 10 years, without making a move to leave him – and now, it feels like you just want to “punish” him, and have no real desire of any kind to “fix” things. I say – either go to counseling with him, get a coach for yourself (one of my Certified Coaches will help you in a flash – really)- or get an attorney, start divorce proceedings and just tell him to move out (and if he won’t, do what the attorney tells you to do.

    In the meantime, get the ebook – it will make sense of the posts here and give you the basics of my “system…” Also – I’m very GLAD you’ve gotten in touch with your anger, and now encourage you to use that energy for your wellbeing,through steps and actions that will help you, instead of continually feeding the anger. Love, Rori



  146.  #146Labbit on August 25, 2014 at 10:21 am

    April Rose 116 — Thank you! I am delighting in everything you’ve been sharing from the teleclass. Your openness and generosity feel good!



  147.  #147Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 10:21 am

    (((IamHis)))
    wow… this alll sounds sooo lovely…
    from what you shared you sound totally
    in the moment with him…
    You shared Your feelings with him as things went along and he seemed to be responding with respect and yet in tune with you…
    It’s only Mon…. relax… let go…

    Love and Explore all the feelings that are coming up for you…



  148.  #148Labbit on August 25, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Indigo & Azure Blu – I feel so relieved that you both expressed shakiness the day after openness and vulnerability, LOL. Add me to that group! I wouldn’t trade the progress and good feelings I have now for anything. It’s so funny though that the day after an amazing date or even just a conversation where I’m more open and vulnerable than I’ve ever been I get the shaky feelings too. The warm & fuzzies last a little longer each time before the shakiness comes back so I see that as a good sign too…



  149.  #149Labbit on August 25, 2014 at 10:32 am

    IamHis — Gentle Siren, go easy on yourself. Half the time when I use feeling messages they come out all gobbledygook because I’m still learning. As are you. 🙂 Be patient with yourself…that will help you to breathe in these situations. It’s so wonderful that you opened yourself up, made yourself vulnerable, shared scary feelings from deep inside with this man. Forget about his reactions or trying to analyze everything. You can’t possibly know what he felt or what he’s feeling now or what he’s thinking. And as the feminine aspect you don’t HAVE TO worry about…isn’t that great?!? Why not allow yourself to enjoy all the feelings and sensations you had, to delight in the closeness you shared with a man who is obviously attracted to you. If you feel annoyed love those annoyed feelings! There is a nicer path to take through green fields filled with flowers if you so choose, you don’t have to walk down the punishing path through a dark forest if you don’t want to.



  150.  #150Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Yay Labbit, thank you for sharing!

    It makes me feel so resonant with your Sirens and part of the group to hear you say that you get those anxious, shaky, needy feelings after a lovely date where you’ve been able to open up and feel vulnerable.

    I’m with you… the warm fuzzy feelings last longer every time, and I can more easily talk myself down from the “ledge” every time (much more easily 🙂 )

    Yay us 🙂



  151.  #151lovetodance on August 25, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Azure Blu

    thank you for sharing about your grief….i heard you.
    inviting in our grief is a profound and courageous thing to do….and so healing….when we are able to bear with it….again beautiful soul work you are doing….

    i hope that you are listening to music again…somehow i feel YES you are….

    and again thank you for all the wisdom and support you share with us all on this mystical, magical, real island….



  152.  #152Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Oshun & IamHis,

    Dominique can explain “boy time” much better than I can (and maybe she will be kind enough to do so), but in a nutshell, as I understand it, men’s concept of time is not like our own.

    For us, a day can feel like a week, a week can feel like a month…

    For men, a day is more like an hour, especially if they are absorbed with their work. That’s why it’s always good to remind yourself NOT to panic and to tell yourself that all is well if it’s been a couple of days since you’ve heard from him, especially in the beginning.



  153.  #153Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Ohhhh…. Labbitt…
    I LOVE what you said…
    “Allow your self to enjoy… ”
    “Why not allow yourself to enjoy all the feelings and sensations you had, to delight in the closeness you shared with a man who is obviously attracted to you.”

    after reading that…I’m realizing how much I struggle with Allowing Myself to Enjoy!!
    I Do know some of what he’s feeling cause he told me…
    and It’s alll GOOD…!!! He’s feeling Good about him and ME… and he is sharing it with me!!!

    I want to Allow Myself to Enjoy our lovely time together with MY friends on Friday…
    What I’ve been doing is getting out of MY body,
    over analyzing in my mind
    and trying to control, manipulate organize… it’s EXHAUSTING!!!

    I can see how it’s my old story of
    I MUST work hard for Love!!!



  154.  #154lovetodance on August 25, 2014 at 11:00 am

    indigo 122

    i loved reading about ….’instead i spent the day in the office sinking into my feelings and being with myself….’

    so profound…to just be and not need to make something happen or buy into fear of whatever….to give up control….

    for me i will be working on they either come forward or not…whoever that ‘they’ may be…..i have huge rejection and abandonment fear that i hope to heal….

    funnily enough i am having trouble getting on a dating website that i have chosen….i don’t think i’m stalling…just techno delayed brain…or maybe its even their site!

    so cding with all i come in contact with….its amuzing to me…i have always felt like i was open and vunerable and feeling….now i look at that more closely and see where i have built defenses and walls even in my sweetest of ways….oh boy….this is so moment to moment work….and yet i want to be natural with this….not make myself crazy…

    always helpful to hear sirens say how it gets easier, clearer and yet things can still come out all ‘gobbleleygook’…..love that!



  155.  #155Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Indigo & Labbitt!!!
    Yes, lovely sweet Sirens
    Like you said Labbitt…
    even after a conversation where I have been authentic and vulnerable I’ll feel sooo excited but then
    I’ll get all tingly and soupy and
    confused… :-))
    Mmmmmm…. I am loving every minute of it!!!



  156.  #156Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Maybe this is something Rori was talking about on the teleclass, April Rose?

    Also realizing these last few days how much energy i PROJECT OUT ALLLL the time…
    especially when I’m around men… but anyone really…
    It’s been sooooo cool to observe me doing it
    and then softly tell myself to bring the energy back into my heart my body…
    It’s REALLY LIFE CHANGING!!!



  157.  #157Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Azure Blu,

    I too found what you shared about your grief sooooo beautiful and inspiring.

    There are days when my grief over losing my brother can still bring me to my knees. It’s important for me to love my grief.

    Thank you



  158.  #158Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 11:21 am

    lovetodance,

    You will see it gets much easier.

    I find when you love your feelings, you can always look forward to spending time with them, just letting them sway you whichever way they will. With fear of rejection and abandonment it can be a lot harder. I know I struggled with that big time for years, still do sometimes.

    Yay you x



  159.  #159lovetodance on August 25, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Azure Blu 156

    yes….understood….your beautiful energy that is so appreciated and so precious….

    finding the balance

    learning to give and RE-cieve……

    I feel i learned this about myself….also had gotten exhausted….
    now i am hoping i can muster enough open energy to give again….

    I have this feeling of not wanting ‘to work’ to attract the right men and certainly don’t have the energy to be with men or anyone who is draining……

    i know its about being in the moment…..
    not being in the fear….or judgement or spending energy keeping people who i don’t want at bay….

    My energy is precious…..so is belief and faith that i have all it takes to love and be loved



  160.  #160Labbit on August 25, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Indigo & Azure — agreed, it is nice to be able to share in these stories with you and all of the Sirens here. I feel like we are at somewhat similar points so our stories are naturally overlapping as they unfold. BUT I am trying to be careful against comparing my experience too much to either of yours, only because I know we will all find our lives unfolding at their own pace and I have a habit of rushing lest I get “left behind.”

    This morning I was still feeling off-balance about sex. As I looked to see what I was really feeling I found a nice little surprise. I found that I want it! I want sex! And that I’m projecting my nervousness out as making him wrong for wanting it with me, so that I can blame him if things don’t work out. Silly. I feel silly! The knots are untwisting and I feel more relaxed. Throughout the day I can feel little kisses on my neck as though TenderCD is here with me now. The connection feels so delicious. Tonight I am going on a second date with another CD, keeping my focus on me. I feel desirable. I am learning what “soft” on the outside feels like. I can feel when my walls start to go up and though it takes me time to find out what’s behind those walls, once I find it the walls come down quickly. I am becoming more and more at home in my feminine energy. Trying to control other people gives me headaches now. It doesn’t feel good anymore. I welcome this. I practice my feeling messages all the time, with friends and family and especially men. It doesn’t always go well but I am learning!



  161.  #161Labbit on August 25, 2014 at 11:30 am

    lovetodance — I can relate to it feeling like work sometimes. There have been points where I’ve felt so exhausted from peeling back layer after layer of myself, wondering if it ever ends. (Still many more layers to go for me!) It feels so good to reach below each layer to peace, but it is often followed by yet another trigger or layer and that can be tiring.

    Still, I notice that there is more energy available to me on a daily basis from within. I suppose it’s like learning any intense function — walking, riding a bike, whatever. Exhaustion during intense sessions followed by leisure and relaxation as the new skills become more natural. Remaining open is key. Treating yourself well and pampering yourself when you need it. You’ll find you have to do less searching or hunting because the more open you are, the more everyone around will be attracted to you.



  162.  #162Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 11:35 am

    FW #131&132
    Hugggs gentle Siren



  163.  #163Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 11:45 am

    ((((Indigo))))#157
    I am sorry for the loss of your brother…
    It helped for me to hear that you still are brought to your knees because you miss him sooo much…
    I am too…

    No one ever talks about how it’s a lifetime… it is part of you… I try and share a little of this with friends and family… it is VERY difficult for people to talk about
    I understand…



  164.  #164Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 11:48 am

    lovetodance #157
    Ohhh… you are feeling and learning such wonderful parts of you…
    the building of the walls!!! :->
    such a profound insight…

    When I finally saw how i was building my walls
    THAT was when I could start softly and gently
    removing the bricks from my hands as I went
    to add them to My wall… the wall is getting Lower!!!
    YAY



  165.  #165Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Labbitt #160
    I do love this “delicious connection” you wrote about

    you mentioning being ready for s*x

    guides me to think more about how I Soooo enjoy that Spirit is sooo excited about pushing for it…
    I Don’t want to make HIM wrong for SEEMING to want it more than me..



  166.  #166Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you for the hugs xx

    It has been 15 years – the pain of losing him was so intense that I knew then it would never go away. This grief is not something which fades over time to become nothing – it’s a part of you. Mostly it sleeps quietly, letting me go about my life, but there are days it rips open my chest leaving my heart raw and exposed. I loved him more than any other human being. Mostly my grief allows me to see beauty in things, his gentle beauty – I find little pieces of him everywhere. But yeah, it never goes away. You just live with it.

    x



  167.  #167Emerson on August 25, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    ((FW))

    I’ve been feeling out of balance and feeling a sense of urgency wanting affection and attention.
    I feel furious about recycledCD and I feel rejected. I feel silly and foolish because I’ve been through all these feelings wig him before and here I am again.
    I know I’m doing it to myself and I want to not give it so much power.



  168.  #168Emerson on August 25, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Perhaps I need to go back to completely no contact with RecycledCD again and it seems I need to reconsider if I can indeed be friends with him at all….I can’t trust myself when he tried to kiss me or do anything I know I lose control and give in. I choose not to beat myself up for it. Honestly it’s upsetting. I am feeling angry and I am feeling furious at him and also myself.



  169.  #169Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Ohhhh… gentle Indigo…
    thank you for sharing your understanding of how Grief is with you for a lifetime..
    Such an amazing Love you had for your brother…
    and you experience his beauty everyday.

    My profound fear of ever feeling this loss again…
    is another wall i imagine…



  170.  #170Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Emerson #167
    Sweet Siren,
    I went through this very same back and forth with a cd – BK- for over a year…

    Give yourself LOTs OF LOVE
    Love your feeling foolish
    Love your feeling angry at yourself
    Love your feeling rejected…
    The best way, I have found,
    to give ALL this less power
    is to give alll these feelings
    You are having
    the Attention and caring and compassion
    THEY Deserve!!!



  171.  #171lovetodance on August 25, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Azure Blu

    i love the image of ‘softly and gently removing the bricks from my hands as i went…’

    a wonderfull image to keep in mind when the fear comes up….



  172.  #172Dominique on August 25, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Indigo – 152 – You did an excellent job. 🙂

    Boy time just doesn’t tend to look like time does to us. In part it’s because most men they have this wonderful ability to compartmentalize. For example, when in work mode, they tend to be completely absorbed in this, and it’s not that you’re not back there resting in his brain and in his heart, it’s just that he’s in work mode. When he’s in YOU mode, you are all that exists for the most part; you are all his, and he is all yours.

    And yes a day for us can seem like a second to many men. I can remember days going by when K and are were still dating, and I would fret, become filled with angst and anxiety. When he finally did call, he had no idea it had been that many days. And like I said above, it’s not that he wasn’t thinking about me or even fantasizing about me. It’s not that he didn’t care.

    Some men are also not so great at the communication part.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-uncommunicative-man/



  173.  #173Emerson on August 25, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Thank you Azur blue….
    It feels comforting reading your reply…
    I do feel different recently like I’m starting to lose hope in finding a partner for life. I feel awful that I feel this way and I feel scared to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. It is ok to admit thank know that now. I used to feel ashamed.



  174.  #174April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    I am in training as a grief recovery specialist.

    All kinds of loss – bereavement, breakups, and life changes bring with them the symptoms of loss. The responses are different for each person, beacause each relationship is so unique.

    We humans do not have the tools widely known for easing the pain that comes with grief. The system I’m training with is sweet, simple and beautiful. It allows the griever to drop the pain, and retain the memories.

    Practising it myself, I have found my fond memories to become even more vivid and colourful. It is as if giving up the guilt and the what-ifs have brought a peace that allows more of the happiness of the lost relationship to flourish in my heart.



  175.  #175April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    I meant that the tools are not widely known.

    Instead, we have myths such as ‘time heals’. It doesn’t.

    Education, and simple tools, and a trusted listener (all combined into a gentle system called The Grief Recovery Method) can heal. And fast.



  176.  #176Kyla on August 25, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    I was talking to my dad today and my parents are actively pursuing job propositions out near me with the plan to move close to us! I feel so happy to hear that! Ninja is staying with his parents right now while he works in the head office and he told me last night they are considering the same, also everyone wants to join us next year on a huge family road trip to the grand canyon as they vicariously lived through us this summer and enjoyed our summer compilation so much lol. I love family 🙂



  177.  #177redbutterfly on August 25, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    I know I don’t post all the time but I read through the newest posts about once a week and I like to keep up on what is going on because I feel like I know all of you! 🙂
    So my exciting news that I have to share is that I have a second interview tomorrow at this company that I am really, really excited to work for that and aligns into what I am going back to get my master’s degree for. When we did the exercise in January where we wrote a letter to ourselves about all of the things that we pretended had happened during the year, one of those things I wrote was that I would have a new job doing project management which is what I am going back to school for. Could this be it??? So exciting!! I hope so!
    In other news, my daughter wrote a beautiful facebook post yesterday in which she tagged both myself and Widower and said she has amazing parents. It touched his heart and makes me want to cry a little. Not much, just a little! The fact that she can claim him as a parent after all she went through with my ex-husband makes me have some hope in humanity!



  178.  #178Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Emerson #173
    You are sooo right to be so brave and vulnerable and share with us your fears of being alone…

    It is NOT shameful it is a normal fear…
    time running out, of never finding the love of your life…

    I too have had this fear of running out of time (I am 62).,.. and when I was finally able to Identify it and realized this fear was letting off a vibe to my Cds of desperation and neediness
    AND verbalize it
    AND share it here on
    Siren Island
    I was able to visualize the fear in my mind…
    Fear of running out of time…
    Instead of hating this fear… I started Loving this part of me… visualizing ME hugging this fear…
    the more often I did this… the smaller and less
    anxious the fear became…
    Now the fear is safely tucked in MY heart
    and whenever she shows herself..
    I hold her close and give her a big hug
    and tell her how much I love her!!!

    And I believe the vibe of clingy, neediness toward any cds is gone…
    YAY Rori’s tools!!!



  179.  #179Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Kyla #176…
    How wonderful to have your whole family out there!!!

    and to plan a road trip to the Grand Canyon for next year!!! I had heard recently that it IS a must see adventure!!
    It is ON MY bucket list for sure!!!
    Such wonderful happenings for you!



  180.  #180Linda on August 25, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    @71 – Emma. My heart goes out to you. I have experienced what you are dealing with… only it was reversed for me. What Rori said to you is spot on. If I was describing how I felt.. it is just as she said.

    I wont go into detail but suffice it to say that he became harder and harder to be with and I lost my desire to spend time with him. Even the great stuff I enjoyed became something I was very willing to leave and walk away from and did.

    I dont know your particulars but there is always hope and this is a great place to learn, grow and heal.

    xo



  181.  #181April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Femininewoman,
    I feel touched by your vulnerability in your post, and I think I am understanding you a lot more because of it.

    Something comes through to me, between the lines of your words.

    I sense you as a little girl whose needs were not being met.
    I sense that you felt frightened being a girl who needed more touch in order to feel secure and cared for, and it wasn’t forthcoming, whilst your body yearned for it.

    I’m wondering if you have a deep-seated belief that you can’t have what you need (or maybe that it is unsafe to be a girl).

    ((((Femininewoman)))))



  182.  #182Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    April Rose…. #181
    xxx this is beautiful… such a calm, warm understanding from your heart…
    like the soothing sound of the evening tide lapping on the sand in late summer….



  183.  #183lovetodance on August 25, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    redbutterfly

    thanks for chiming in and sharing the power of your imagination[ the letter you wrote to yourself]
    wherever this might lead, knowing the power of our thoughts is a very very positive thing….

    i know it myself….and yet sometimes something else gets the better of me….

    and i can just feel how wonderful it made you feel to read the loving thoughts your daughter shared to the world on facebook….

    have a wonderful second interview tomorrow!



  184.  #184Femininewoman on August 25, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Thank you so much April Rose. Reading your words I feel seen and understood.

    I am working on those beliefs and steadfastly standing by myself. More so in the last two weeks.



  185.  #185Femininewoman on August 25, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Thanks for the hugs ladies



  186.  #186Mandy on August 25, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Indigo,

    Thank you so much for weighing in, I appreciate it very much and I respect your opinion a lot. When I read what you wrote to me, I felt it was completely right-on, and I know it’s all true. Yes, I have a great deal of guilt I need to work through with CD-ing, but I feel that it is part of the feeling process, and it could possibly help me to get out of the habit I have of feeling guilty all the time. It’s not that I don’t get anything from J. Tons of kisses, tons of snuggles, he bought me a killer pair of boots, and he likes to be with me all the time, and is incredibly loyal.

    But, it also seems wrong to me as well if I shouldn’t get to enjoy the harmless sexual attention of a man when J is not having sex with me, and I HAVE done almost everything to try and rectify the situation…I just want to tell him, look, if you can’t give that to me, you need to at least give me the chance to live my life and see someone who will. But that would totally mean the end of our relationship, we’d be friends at that point, and it just kills me because all he has to do is like himself enough to have sex with me, and there’d be no problem with it.

    It is tough to not connect his lack of desire with myself, but more so, it is the boredom that really kills me. I get so bored when there’s no passion being displayed! I do feel angry and frustrated, and it feels good to hear I’m not to blame for this. Rori sure wasn’t kidding when she said the situation can be fixed but it will keep coming up…it will keep showing up in the relationship. I have to be able to accept that to be with him. It’s tough. I mean, I can go awhile without it, just the feeling that it will happen again keeps me going.
    But right now I feel like even if he does have sex with me tonight, I’ll wake up tomorrow and dread waiting six more months to have it again.

    I just feel by doing all the fun things I’d normally do if I was living alone/single, and getting good coaching, I may be able to come to terms with this and bring the passion in again, and tap into it when I need to.

    I just hate the fact that I have been associating my attractiveness and womanhood with how much sex I have. It feels embarrassing admitting that, but it’s true. I wonder who or what taught me that. Society, ex’s, etc…That is not something to cling to in order to feel attractive. That’s not healthy. So if anything, this has definitely been a lesson I’ve needed to learn.

    Also, I feel like I’ve been in a good emotional spot and very feminine and leaning back. A heck of a lot. I’m not seeing super-duper results (You know, mind-blowing sex), although I do notice he seems pretty darn content with me lately, snuggly and wanting to take me out a lot, which is what he does when he feels romantic, it’s adorable.

    I believe I will have to explore harder than ever before, and lean way, way back. Once I get the hang of that, I believe I will either inspire passion in him, or I will be strong and happy enough with myself to be able to and put him in the friend zone. So, whatever happens, it is probably a good thing.

    I will be here on the blog every time I get a chance! 🙂

    This too shall pass…whichever way it passes…but if there is a way to inspire passion, I’d like to do it, I’ve done it before but I’m certain I’ve fallen back into my old ways (which happens when I don’t get on the blog often and haven’t listened to my Rori programs in awhile!)



  187.  #187Mandy on August 25, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Oh boy I wish I had listened in on that teleclass!!! 😛



  188.  #188April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Mandy,

    Bluntness alert (please forgive me. I am fresh on the back of Rori’s tele class, in which so much of her system clicked into place for me).

    I sense you almost obsessed with your agenda – inspiring him to ‘feel better about himself’ and have sex with you.

    You can’t make him do anything. By subtle means or otherwise. ALL we can do as women is to express our deepings feeling about what is going on for us. He may be inspired to give you what you’re wanting. He may not. You can only express yourself in the most feminine ‘leaned-back-inside-yourself as you feel and speak’ way possible.

    Rori says not to be exclusive with a man until you have EVERYTHING you want in the relationship.

    I would say there isn’t a way to get what you want in this situation.
    Unless… you express it as a need. Rori calls it adapting to a man – this means letting him lead, AND speaking up that you have needs too. “I need to make love at least once a week”. If you can’t express your needs, then how are you loving yourself?

    If a man will not or cannot meet your needs…. then are you going to allow them to go unmet? I’m guessing that feels awful.

    You’re worried about becoming just friends, but really isn’t that all you are now? Friends can hold hands and kiss, friends can buy each other presents. Heck, friends can even have sex.

    Humm…. can somebody please tell me the difference between a sexual friendship and a relationship?



  189.  #189April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    “all he has to do is like himself enough to have sex with me, and there’d be no problem with it.”

    Chewing on this thought keeps you all in his business (and therefore your energy is all over him instead of deep within yourself).

    Make this about you, girl!



  190.  #190April Rose on August 25, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Speaking your needs in a feminine way requires such a femininely-expressive not-pushing-out-the-words tone of voice.
    Otherwise you sound like a dominatrix (said Rori!)



  191.  #191Linda on August 25, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    I know I posted last thread about a new understanding I have about the importance of self love. I have really been digging into this.

    I have for probably for forever believed that my happiness would be made complete and its source would be from outside of me. But lately I have been knocking on doors in my heart sincerely seeking to know what makes me who I am and why do I believe and feel what I do. Not for the purpose of rooting out a bad guy… but so I can love that embrace and love that part of me.

    No more believing that I will be happy someday when I find “my man”. No more believing that it will all be “okay when”. No more living my life “on hold until ” .

    I feel a shift today.



  192.  #192Mandy on August 25, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    April Rose –

    That’s the way I feel, that we’re friends. And yes, I have always had trouble un-focusing, as I have a severe case of OCD, diagnosed by a psychiatrist. That I can’t necessarily help, but I can work on. I started to last week, by giving my friend “Y” the green light on seeing me so I can CD, and so that was a big deal, and by looking to take baby steps to get to the point where I can either just tell J we need to call each other what we are…friends…or to get to the point where there’s enough space for him to step forward again.

    But…

    I feel at this point me saying “I need sex” over and over again to him will pressure him and push him away. I really don’t feel that will work, because every time I bring it up, he feels like less of a person, and it feels to him like I’m criticizing him; he has let me know this many times.

    I have already told him that I don’t know how much longer I can live like this, that I am tired of bringing it up with him, and that I will never stop wanting sex. It’s in a letter I gave him inside his desk.

    I am taking care of myself by filling up my time with fun things to do, keeping a regular workout routine, giving myself a makeover, allowing myself to spend time with another man, and joining a class or two.

    I found a note on his desk that is a form to fill out so he can start seeing a psychiatrist. That felt like he wants to work on this. That felt hopeful and positive.

    But, so, I see this going one of two ways – us ending up friends, or him feeling good enough to step forward…the friends way feels painful inside me, but I know after some crying and time I’ll be okay, it’s just SCARY as hell! I hate it when that happens, it sucks big time! Lots of crying and my insides crunching up and caving in is what I imagine.

    So…I’m wondering this…seriously wondering…can a couple who are committed go back to the casual dating stages where stuff wasn’t so serious and both parties had the right to do whatever they wanted, i.e., see as many people as they wanted, and sort of bring back that CD excitement? That’s what I want I believe…to go back to when we were just having fun and experiencing each other. I want to still see him but undo the seriousness and commitment of the relationship so I can see if I want him still or if he’s just not a good match for me. Because I definitely don’t have everything I want here!



  193.  #193Femininewoman on August 25, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    Mandy – And yes, I have always had trouble un-focusing, as I have a severe case of OCD, diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

    Maybe it is the way you expressed this but it practically jumped out at me off the screen. It is like a belief you have about yourself justified by an expert opinion so you are kinda using it as an excuse to stay stuck. I wonder what your mind would do if you threw this out and replaced it with I am fine, nothing is wrong with me. Everyday in every way I am getting better and better.

    Reminds of a friend who was diagnosed with some heart condition in another country. When she came here to get a second opinion she was limping out the airport and for days until she saw the doctor. This new doctor told her she does not need an operation and that her heart was as healthy as a young persons. This might be anecdotal to you and I am in no way trying to minimize your situation however nothing changes until we challenge it. The more you claim OCD the more OCD you will be. Don’t know if this makes sense but it is like it “HAS” you not you have it.

    I bring it to your attention because I have seen people transform even physically when they shift their focus. Do you think you can challenge this belief.



  194.  #194Linda on August 25, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Mandy. forgive me but I dont fully remember what your situation is meaning married, living together etc.

    I know what it is to live in a lifestyle that does not afford you the opportunity to thrive as a woman sexually. I did it for years and will add that I will never do it again. I ran out of ways to invest that energy into something else and I had to face it for what it was. Not what I wanted for the rest of my life. I made changes then.

    You are in a season of discovering.



  195.  #195Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Linda #191…
    Powerful… sincerely seeking who I AM….
    ME… AMAZING ME…
    is a lovely, Perfect Person.



  196.  #196Azure Blu on August 25, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    FW #193
    YES!!!



  197.  #197Beloved on August 25, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    So.
    First day of class felt fairly smooth. I felt out of my element, a little stiff and numb, I felt a little bit of “trying to impress” that I did my best to ground and rein in.

    And this happened –
    Saturday, I drove all over the city where my school is (75 min drive from my current home), looking for a new place to live. I have been searching through online resources, including craigslist, and driving/asking around trying to find a place since April.
    So, it seemed my last resort was living in an RV, which sounded like it would be ok. Until I saw it. It was old and cruddy and looked just bad.
    I tried to make myself like it and be open to it, because it was in my price range and immediately available, yet something inside me said NO.
    I deserve better.

    I drove away, and started talking to ‘the universe’. I used FM’s about how I felt, what I did and didn’t want to feel, and what I wanted. I ended with, “I don’t know what to do here, what do you think?”

    The first ‘answer’ was to remember to sink into the feelings of imagining everything was already handled and taken care of, which I did and felt relaxed.

    I went on to visit with my grandson and forgot about it, until my drive home. I started thinking about, “what I want, wants me. what I am looking for, is also looking for me.” I sank into how I imagined that felt, and I heard a little voice say, “You KNOW you need to get in touch with S”, who is an old acquaintance I had lost touch with and hadn’t spoken to for YEARS.

    The next day, I asked a mutual friend to get in touch with S and tell her I was looking for place to live in the area

    Well, guess what? S texted back right away, she just so happened to be looking for a roommate, and specifically wanted a female roomie.
    I called, we talked, she laughed because “what I want, wants me and is rushing to me!” is one of her favorite affirmations.

    And now I have a room in a lovely house full of musical instruments, with a beautiful, super-feminine roommate who has men buzzing about doing all of her ‘honey-do’ work all of the time (one was just leaving as I pulled up). 20 minutes from campus (which is practically a stone’s throw in the massive sprawling metro area I live in). It felt so effortless and flowy and easy and I’m smiling because little thoughts like “it was too perfect” in that movie narrator voice are trying to scare me 🙂

    I feel peaceful. And sleepy.

    G’night, loves.



  198.  #198Linda on August 25, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    “what I want, wants me. what I am looking for, is also looking for me.”

    I LOVE this!!

    I am going to bed with that on my heart and lips !!

    thanks Beloved!



  199.  #199Lucy on August 25, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Dear Sirens,

    I have been having a lot of success w making eye contact with men on the street! Just “soft surrender” and I am finally not afraid! And most of the men seem so grateful even to get a smile.

    I’m starting to remember who I was before I got burned in love relationships. I was always a very friendly person and friendly child who loved people. What a great feeling. Thank you Rori.

    My 24-year-old, who I met online, is still pestering me. He texts, sexts, and some of this is my fault. I did flirt in a somewhat sexual way with him and he is making up for this in his imagination! Of course, I ignore his texts a lot and this makes him even more crazy.

    Today, he texted me a picture of his dick. Yes !!!!!!!! I was a little shocked, and just wanted to share this with you, because it shows I must not be doing something right. Yet, he is only 24 and I am in my 40s, and I feel like I want to make him a good meal and tuck him into bed rather than sleep with him. Because of his youth, I forgive the dick picture — lol.

    All of this has its humor….;) Actually my intuition tells me this is not my time for romance, rather to raise my two children. There are some men who I really really like, but they are similarly occupied. Time will tell….

    Lucy



  200.  #200Millie on August 25, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Beloved, feeling so inspired by your post and how you talk to yourself. I wonder what would happen if I spoke to myself that way, I imagine it feels like being on a roller coaster.

    I’ve been changing my habits which is really positive. Replacing bad habits with new good ones. I’m doing no contact with Mechanic, it’s funny how once you get in the habit of resisting those urges to reach out, you lose the urge and feel disgusted you ever had them.

    No new men on the horizon, but instead of pining for what I don’t have, I’ve accepted the reality and am busy with my job and hobbies. I’ve built my own routine with new healthy habits. A friend proposed to girlfriend yesterday. They are my age, and I can’t help but feel so far away from that step. Like I’m in junio high and they are graduating college. I feel that I have to accept myself and accept that that may not happen in my life. There’s a huge possibility of that, so I really have to create this lovely life for myself.



  201.  #201Mandy on August 25, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    I’ve been having serious trouble after the last thing I posted…

    I need to be honest – April Rose, – what I got from your post back to me is that you don’t believe I have a real romantic relationship. It triggered me so awfully very much with defensiveness I couldn’t stop thinking about it, even when I went to go workout at the gym. I’d like to defend my relationship a bit here. J is giving me the most commitment he can ever give anyone. We are domestic partners, and have been for nearly three years. He sees no one else, has eyes for no one else. He is sweet, tender, loving with me and takes care of me, and lets me feel like I’m his. I believe that definitely constitutes a romantic relationship.

    Feminine woman – what I mean when I say I have been diagnosed with OCD, is that it relapses, I take prescription medication for it, and I do the everything I can in my power to keep it in check. if it happens to flare up, people around me are just going to have to be understanding and forgive me for it – it’s a condition of being in a relationship with me.
    As for laser-focusing on sex, yes it’s really hard for me to un-focus, but wouldn’t it be for anyone who is this sexually deprived?
    I’m looking for some understanding and soothing here on this matter, and I’m feeling very much like I’m being told I’ve got my head in the clouds and I’m doing everything wrong..

    I am doing the best I can with it, and feel I deserve a pat on the back for all the hard fighting I’ve done with it. I do not feel it keeps me in the cycle, rather I feel I’ve overcome it big time and choose to feel good about that.

    I’m feeling way low and depressed tonight and I’m not sure what I can do about it…but I’ll try to do something…



  202.  #202Femininewoman on August 25, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    (((((((((Mandy)))))))))



  203.  #203Millie on August 25, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Mandy, I haven’t been following your posts… But I can understand how you feel. Sometimes when I share something personal and seek comfort, or a big hug, I don’t get it, I get a reaction I didn’t expect. I think, I realized, their reaction is authentic to what you’ve shared in that moment, it may not be the whole picture. The important part is, you feel you deserve a pat on the back, so give that to yourself. Be proud of yourself. I’m sorry you feel low and depressed… I can relate.



  204.  #204Mandy on August 25, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Thanks for everyone’s input and understanding. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. But, I will be giving myself that pat on back.

    Ah. Sadness. Giving up…letting go…letting nature or the universe take it’s course…blah…let go…flop and rest…let someone else worry about it…let HIM worry about it, instead of me.

    Blah. Let it go…be cold around the issue, as Rori has said in a post to a woman in a situation JUST like mine.



  205.  #205Indigo on August 25, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Azure Blu 169,

    I too have a profound fear of feeling this kind of loss again. If something happened to D, or my horse, for example – where would I be? who would I be?

    I don’t know how to get around this.

    It is a barrier to being fully open to love.

    I guess all we can do is try to be brave.



  206.  #206Emerson on August 26, 2014 at 12:10 am

    178 azure blue thank you!
    It feels so great to read your message to me thank you…



  207.  #207Emerson on August 26, 2014 at 12:14 am

    (((Mandy)))



  208.  #208luzydel on August 26, 2014 at 12:18 am

    The Type by Sara Kay

    If you grow up the type of woman men want to look at,
    you can let them look at you. But do not mistake eyes for hands.

    Or windows.
    Or mirrors.

    Let them see what a woman looks like.
    They may not have ever seen one before.

    If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
    you can let them touch you.

    Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for.
    Sometimes it is a bottle. A door. A sandwich. A Pulitzer. Another woman.

    But their hands found you first. Do not mistake yourself for a guardian.
    Or a muse. Or a promise. Or a victim. Or a snack.

    You are a woman. Skin and bones. Veins and nerves. Hair and sweat.
    You are not made of metaphors. Not apologies. Not excuses.

    If you grow up the type of woman men want to hold,
    you can let them hold you.

    All day they practice keeping their bodies upright–
    even after all this evolving, it still feels unnatural, still strains the muscles,

    holds firm the arms and spine. Only some men will want to learn
    what it feels like to curl themselves into a question mark around you,

    admit they do not have the answers
    they thought they would have by now;

    some men will want to hold you like The Answer.
    You are not The Answer.

    You are not the problem. You are not the poem
    or the punchline or the riddle or the joke.

    Woman. If you grow up the type men want to love,
    You can let them love you.

    Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
    When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean

    after years of puddle jumping. It is realizing you have hands.
    It is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home.

    Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman
    men will hurt. If he leaves you with a car alarm heart, you learn to sing along.

    It is hard to stop loving the ocean. Even after it has left you gasping, salty.
    Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call

    mistakes when you tuck them in at night. And know this:
    Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place to call yours.

    Let the statues crumble.
    You have always been the place.

    You are a woman who can build it yourself.
    You were born to build.



  209.  #209Emerson on August 26, 2014 at 12:27 am

    Rori/sirens,
    Please i hope you can help me..
    I had a link open for roris programs combined into one special for like $399…
    Now I can’t find it…
    Can someone help me find this link again!?



  210.  #210Indigo on August 26, 2014 at 12:29 am

    Mandy,

    I feel for you.

    First let me say, well done – truly. Most people that I know in this situation would not have put in the amazing effort you have. I applaud you not just throwing in your cards and giving up on the situation – truly, I think your positivity is great.

    I have been in a similar sort of situation before. It was about two years ago, D and I were exclusive at the time. Mostly due to health issues on his side, our sex life drastically tapered off, to where for a couple of months we’d go weeks without having sex. I think possibly I felt it was worse for me because we’d always had such amazing sex and to be “deprived” of it just felt – well, awful. Around this same time we also had an issue with the intimacy of our sex life – he wasn’t kissing me. We’d have sex with our faces turned away from each other. All of this made me feel very low – undesired, inadequate, ugly even.

    I did express how I felt to D, but suffice to say, trying to get him to change was not the answer. I healed all of this (we have an amazing, regular sex life now, and masses of intimate kissing) but I had to start with how I felt inside. At some point I just knew that as long as I felt these deprived, “untouched” feelings, nothing was ever going to change.

    I started dating again. Other guys. I started going out and flirting and reveling in the attention I got. For me, the thought of losing D was more than I could bear – and I also knew we were not, and could never be, just friends – but I had to do what I needed to do for my own self-esteem. I forgot all about sex with D, I stopped counting how long it had been, I dropped all expectations and just enjoyed being with him. I stopped thinking about sex altogether. Somewhere inside myself I made a decision that I came first, and that I was not going to ALLOW any man to make me feel deprived.

    I was able to just be warm and soft, no expectations, in his presence. I pushed any thought of “it’s been x number of days/weeks since we had sex”. Anything I did with my appearance, I did purely because it felt good and not to get a reaction from him.

    Suffice to say, sex returned in FULL force. I don’t think I have initiated sex in at least a year. And he wants to have sex with me even when I have a cold, or when I’m in old jeans and a t-shirt with no make-up on.

    For what it’s worth, I think it’s your VIBE that men respond to. And I think you have to let go of the outcome. Let go of the thought that it has to come right. Go out and enjoy the attention of other men, without guilt. Let the chips fall where they may. Have fun.

    x



  211.  #211Femininewoman on August 26, 2014 at 3:06 am

    Emerson send her or Melanie an email. I usually get answers to emails



  212.  #212Emerson on August 26, 2014 at 5:46 am

    Thanks FW I will look for the email address



  213.  #213lovetodance on August 26, 2014 at 6:47 am

    thank you lucydel 208 …beautiful, just beautiful….



  214.  #214lovetodance on August 26, 2014 at 7:14 am

    labbitt 161
    thank you for your insights and experience….

    as i ponder it…staying open is very much a spiritual exercise…i feel when i get drained or coming from a dry place…is when i have lost touch with resources within me and outside of me….when i take it all a bit to personally….

    the artform of feeling one’s feelings and also knowing we are all so much than our feelings….to be able to hold both , to remember this….ahhhhh



  215.  #215Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 7:29 am

    (((Indigo))) #205
    mmmmm…. sweet, lovely heart!!!

    Maybe loving Grief
    bringing her close… she seems to need
    lots of hugggsss today…
    she feels I have rejected her…
    I’ve been so frightened of being overwhelmed again…
    I want to let go… and accept HER…
    I do feel SO ANGRY that I had to
    get to know HER!!!!!!!!
    Sooo angry that David was taken away!!!
    I desperately wanted it to MAKE SINCE…
    It doesn’t



  216.  #216IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Wow, Azure Blu, Labbit, Indigo, thank you sooo much for your input! 🙂



  217.  #217IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 7:38 am

    Luzydel! @208. Absolutely stunning. Thanks for sharing. 🙂



  218.  #218Daria on August 26, 2014 at 8:30 am

    feeling so good practicing RECEIVE RECEIVE

    and taking men’s desiring and appreciative looks to mean im getting energy for me, for what i like

    and even tho i feel freaked out it’s working!!!

    i feel more open than yesterday



  219.  #219Daria on August 26, 2014 at 8:41 am

    I want to work coaching men who love women who speak to them disrespectfully.

    Sooo much and i feel so thrilled i finally feel Happy about this instead of confused

    yes i want to do this coaching

    yes this is for me.

    yes so many of my brothers could benefit

    mmmmm J”OY!!!!!!



  220.  #220Dominique on August 26, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Emerson – 209 – I’ve emailed RR for you.

    xxoo



  221.  #221Daria on August 26, 2014 at 8:59 am

    i feel rushed working with electronics im UP in boy

    my health is feeling better and better

    and my rages and despondency are all part of that and now it’s gotten unstuck, i felt through it and NOW im healing it all the way thru

    noticing that tension and that pushing through it musta been there from birth or since young, cuz i been had that tightness in my hip since i can remember tryna sit crosslegged



  222.  #222lovetodance on August 26, 2014 at 9:45 am

    indigo and azure blu…
    wanting you both to know i feel you….

    wrapping my arms around you both….
    too love deeply and have that which we love taken….who ever thought of this…..? who set this up? and yet it is the song of humanity…..

    i actually think a wailing wall in each community is what is needed….

    a place of little altars to mourn….we here do not yet know how to do this collectively…and need help to do it individually….

    so i feel you both respecting and working with your grief..how courageous, beautiful, painful, necessary continued steps on this journey….

    love to you both…..and all of us who hold this pain….



  223.  #223Dominique on August 26, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Emerson – you need to contact this mail, and explain what happened. you will be taken care of.

    support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com

    xxoo



  224.  #224justagirl on August 26, 2014 at 10:46 am

    rori 145 – thank you for your post and candor, really I do appreciate it, and I didn’t mean to be a downer, I should have waited until I felt more calm before spewing everything out for the world to see. It’s not that I am against counseling exactly. I just won’t tolerate being manipulated into it or ordered around like a head of cattle. Doesn’t exactly make me want to go, you know?. He is making this seem like all my fault, every time I have a ‘feeling’ or any ’emotion’ either I am a: having midlife crisis b:should get some sort of medications or c: imagining it. or d: I must be cheating. I udnerstand the concpet of never ever ever making a man wrong, but how it just hunky dory when they make us wrong I wonder.

    I guess I will just have to figure out a way out of here. I appreciate your taking the time to post to me Rori, I know you don’t get it, like you said, that’s ok, without all the history I wouldn’t expect anyone to, but I appreciate the opportunity to vent.



  225.  #225IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Uggg.



  226.  #226prplpsn28 on August 26, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Feeling sad and helpless. There’s nothing I can do to fix this. Meds are helping a little now but not completely. I miss H. Simple as that. And I love him. 🙁



  227.  #227IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 11:10 am

    I leaned forward and now feel disgusted with myself.

    I texted him at about 7:00 this morning. I justified it because I was worried he would think I wasn’t interested since he displayed quite a bit of insecurity.

    “Hey, Mr. Amazing / Sexy / Respectful. Hope you have a great day today. :)”

    He replied an hour later:

    Thanks. You too

    & I was worried about how I was NOT communicating enough of what felt good while we cuddled. I just felt scared of getting too into it and not being able to stop even if he asked me if I wanted to stop (which he did & he would)

    I was so flirty with him before our date, & was quite frankly shocked when he asked “you are interested, I take it?” Duh! It baffles me how much you can flirt/compliment/stare/touch/thank/show respect/allow & guys STILL don’t understand that you are interested.

    Now I feel annoyed and confused again.

    *sigh *

    I need to show compassion to myself. I’m a newbie! I’m learning!

    & I know that once again, I’m too focused on him. I need to use my wings and fly to another guy or to another feeling place.

    It still feels really difficult to date more than one guy. It feels exhausting to search, let them find me, let them initiate, & then to open my heart, feel, respond, express gratitude & then to just have to do it all over again with a different guy and never feel like it’s getting you anywhere because you’re so freaking insecure or they are so freaking insecure & it all feels so confusing and exhausting.

    & now I feel really sad and embarrassed, ug. 🙁



  228.  #228IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 11:12 am

    I feel thirsty. I usually feel grumpy when I feel thirsty…



  229.  #229Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 11:15 am

    IamHis,

    Don’t beat yourself up! I read somewhere that guys can read through those kinds of text messages. Something like they can feel the energy in them or something. Don’t stress yourself out. Know that you’re a woman and a human. We all slip up. I’m sure everything will be fine regardless of what happens with this one.

    Everything works out the way it should no matter what way it works out.

    Do something to make you feel good. Turn on some music and DANCE!



  230.  #230IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 11:17 am

    What feels good: water and warmth and sunshine and words and deep thoughts and riffing and giggling and this is so random but I really miss his sweet dog right now! Blaaaah. 🙂



  231.  #231Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Ok… well get out in the sunshine with some water and think deeply about positive things. You control your thoughts! Be good to yourself. 🙂



  232.  #232Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Ok… well get out in the sunshine with some water and think deeply about positive things. You control your thoughts! Be good to yourself. 🙂



  233.  #233IamHis on August 26, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Thanks, Oshun! That actually feels comforting because I felt really good and not attached to any kind of outcome when I sent the text. & the energy behind his response kind of felt confused and surprised but also open to talking more.

    So I really don’t know why I’m freaking out right now. I feel frantic, but I can feel myself slowing down. You know what? The caffeine I just had may have well done it and now I just feel silly.

    Phew.

    Breathing. Water. Boredom. It would feel good to get some work done! 🙂



  234.  #234Violette on August 26, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Third date with AD last night. He told me he’s falling for me. I told him I wanted to go slow. He said he did too.

    I woke up feeling so freaked. Because he’s recently divorce, has kids from the last marriage, clearly is a bit lost and doesn’t know what he’s doing, and I don’t want to get all caught up in that, to believe him when he looks at me like I’m the answer to his prayers, because I know I’m not.

    And he keep saying he likes me, he’s so surprised, he wants to know me, I’m beautiful. Which would be lovely except that he says it over and over like a broken record. I ask him what he likes, he says I’m a nice person and I’m funny. It’s like a pre-recorded response. And I know it’s not really me because he’s been saying it since the moment we met!

    I do like that he has told me I looked pretty at the beginning of the date each time.

    He’s an amazing kisser, and that’s what scares me a little, I feel afraid of getting caught up in the chemistry. Of sleeping with him too soon. But he hasn’t been aggressive, he’s mentioned things, but he hasn’t asked me over or asked to come in yet. He even admitted that the times he’s had one night stands he didn’t respect the woman afterwards because he assumed she was doing the same with everybody! Backwards mysoginy! I even told him so. But let’s face it, how many men in this country don’t share his views, few have the courage to admit it. It may be nice to think we are no longer in 1950, but I’m afraid the cold hard truth is that men take a woman more seriously if she makes him wait for sex.

    So I’m going to do just that, and see how it goes. I already know I can sleep with a guy and never hear from him again, thank you A.

    Breathe. One day at a time. So triggered, and I’m growing through it.



  235.  #235Jamee on August 26, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Hi! Ladies-

    I’m starting back at circular dating; still dating J since November. He does not have a job – been almost 2 years, and I feel needs to be looking how to bring in income more – a website, consulting, etc. So instead of putting all my eggs in his basket have decided to go out for casual drink/light dinner dates, still seeing J on weekends.

    My question – I loved my orthodontist about 20 years ago – I loved his humor, who he was, couldn’t wait to visit him – both he and I were married at the time. I called him about 6 months ago because I need some work done again. I don’t believe he remembered who I was, he gave me some suggestions, I asked him how he was doing, and he told me his wife had died about a year and a half before. He still had her message on his answering machine. I should have offered my condolences, but instead I said maybe we could get together. I realized it was the wrong thing to say. I called back again, to offer my concordances…just to get his voice mail – now it was his voice.

    I still think about him, and I thought instead of calling him again, I would send him a letter with my picture in it and some of my profile from Match.com – supposedly the profile narrative is really good…keep getting good comments on it, and say thank you for his suggestions, and that I am sending the picture and profile so he could remember who it was that was sending him the note. Any suggestions ladies – he is probably 74 now – I’m 69.

    I’d really appreciate what you feel to do.



  236.  #236darkhorse on August 26, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Indigo hi, is it possible for me to email you privately? I have often read your comments thinking the similarities in our stories are uncanny and I would love to be in touch with you about some of it privately. down to the horse part 😉



  237.  #237Emerson on August 26, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Lovely sirens, gentle sirens, helpful sirens,
    Thank you all…I feel so much better today. Each day I feel better. Baby steps.
    I’m wondering where tereana is these days!!



  238.  #238Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    IamHis #227

    Rori says:
    Vulnerability is not necessarily revealing personal things about yourself or giving praise and reassurance.
    IT’S NOT ABOUT HOW MUCH LOVE YOU GIVE A MAN, BUT ABOUT HOW MUCH LOVE
    YOU GIVE YOURSELF
    IN HIS PRESENCE.



  239.  #239Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    IamHis#232
    You are Doing awesome!!!
    HUGE steps in Self Love
    Love reading about your journey!!!



  240.  #240Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Just random thoughts from Rori…

    “And the answer is to LOVE your terror.
    Love the fear.
    Love the ugly.
    Can you see what a difference this would make?

    LOVE your mistakes…
    stop telling yourself yu suck at anything,
    and when you DO tell yourself that –
    love the part that’s telling it to you!

    It’s all about integrating your system harmoniously. Building it all around self-love no matter what.
    Then everything shows up better.
    Love your insecurity.
    Love it all.
    That way, no one can shake you up when it happens….
    I have utter, total faith in you….

    just keep watching me do the Tools on the programs, listen to them, do them 24/7 –
    just let them do the work for you in getting out of your brain.
    These things work on a subconscious level,
    on an emotional level.
    What you can do with your intellect
    around “shifting your vibe” is pretty minimal.
    But if you just practice this constant slowing down, being aware,
    tracking,
    shifting your thoughts…
    it’ll just all fall into place for you.



  241.  #241Frannie on August 26, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Hi ladies!! I need some advice on how to word an email back to my ex. I still care about him, and he is going through some stuff. I hadnt heard from him for a while so I emailed him Sunday night (I know I’m supposed to lean back, but he has been I’ll and I wanted to see how he was doing). Anyway, I want to let him know how nice it was to hear from him and how happy I am he (finally) got a job. I also want to say I’m glad he’s feeling better. Here’s what I came up with (but I know it needs tweaking, so tweak away)…

    It feels so nice hearing from you. I feel relieved hearing you are feeling better, and feel happy about your new job.

    It seems so awkward to keep saying “feel” but I know it’s the rori raye way. I also want him to know to continue to keep in touch with me.

    Any help you ladies can provide will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!



  242.  #242Femininewoman on August 26, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Violette just assume he doesn’t expect to sleep with. He is enjoying what he can have now. When he gets to that bridge he will cross it.



  243.  #243Indigo on August 26, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    darkhorse,

    Yes, of course, I have seen your posts before and also felt similarly. I would love for you to e-mail me:

    clearw@ymail.com



  244.  #244Lucy on August 26, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    I feel a little down….

    24 year old CD is still texting me (I’m in my 40s). I sent a feeling message saying “I felt taken aback” “I felt caught off guard” after he sent me the dick pic.

    He said he felt turned on after something I said about making love to a man.

    So I continued on my walk and started feeling angry. I hinted earlier about my weekend being free, but he didn’t get it. So I texted “I’d like to see a movie or something. Otherwise I don’t want to do this.”

    He immediately texted back “Of course we can.” Then asked when I would be free to go for a walk during the day. I then left him to arrange the date and said I would be free Friday.

    I’m starting to have 2nd thoughts about this guy. He wants to see me a heck of a lot more than CD techie, and he doesn’t seem to take offense when I”m direct.

    Our age difference is ridiculous, but I trust the Universe, and it could be that this is my time to experiment. I don’t see what could go wrong. I have two other CDs waiting in the wings.

    Lucy



  245.  #245Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Lucy #243
    Your doing GREAT!!!
    Relax… he’s a great one to practice on!!
    Being Direct while keeping your feminine voice and vibe… vulnerable and authentic…

    He sounds like a fresh cool glass of water!
    I’ve heard of quite a few women enjoying younger men A LOT!!!
    YOU ROCK!!



  246.  #246Mandy on August 26, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    Indigo –

    Your story is AMAZING. I know that when I throw myself into hobbies, or work, friends, photo shoots, and lovely things to do, my tunnel vision as I like to put it goes directly to the task at hand.

    I know I have been seriously, unhealthily focusing on feeling deprived, angry and punished like a kid. I focus on how long it’s been and I hate it when my mind goes there because it brings up nasty, nasty feelings and thoughts.

    It feels like light years away right now for me to let go of counting the months, feeling the deprivation and sulking. But, I have been told by my dad who was a Colonel in the Air Force that I have a warrior’s heart and will stop at nothing to fight for what is important to me.

    I’ll be getting some coaching from Dominique, last time she helped me, everything returned in full force. It was nothing short of AMAZING.

    But also, doing fun things for this situation isn’t all that’s happening…I’ve felt glued to J and now I feel EXCITED to get out there…I have so much energy and love to give and so much excitement and curiosity about the world. feeling this free to do what I want feels WONDERFUL!!!!! I have always thrived on my own freedom to explore with the curiosity of a child and to wonder what else is out there.

    I noticed one Siren on this blog talked about how much fun belly dancing is, and I thought oh SWEET, there’s a studio I know of where I can try one class for free and get into touch with my body. It is so sensual feminine and beautiful!

    I can focus on the excitement of being free and flying like a bird…

    Thanks Indigo, your words mean the world to me. 🙂



  247.  #247Mandy on August 26, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    I made a list of fun things I like…I’d really, really love to hear what makes the other Sirens feel good and lovely and entertained!!! Please add to the list! 🙂

    My list of fun things to do:

    -Rori’s “Artist” walk

    -Rori’s “Hug a tree”

    -Go to a coffee shop alone and get your favorite drink, and draw while you’re there

    -Get your feet pedicured

    -Go to a wine tasting

    -Join a dance class

    -Crochet

    -Bite the bullet and go into the yoga class at my gym and try it out

    -Find Do-It-Yourself projects and do them

    -Working out and switching up the routine

    -Go snuggle my cat

    -Find a great book and read

    -Get a massage!

    -See your Circular Date…lol…so excited and nervous 🙂

    -Set up a shoot for yourself where you get to direct it

    -Play in the rain – monsoon season is here in Tucson AZ 🙂

    -Take a nice hot bath

    -Study tantra

    Any other ideas? 🙂



  248.  #248Valarie O'Ryan on August 26, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Mandy (246), this is fantastic!

    I always have any woman I coach write a list just like this.

    Love monsoon season 🙂

    Love, ~Valarie



  249.  #249Linda on August 26, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    I feel baffled and a little sorry for myself if I am totally honest.

    One of the posts here has triggered this in me. I guess I dont understand how to turn a relationship that has some really “i want” parts and some equally “i cant live with that” parts into a relationship that is happy and satisfying and great!

    My experience has been no matter what I tried, said, communicated, released, nothing changed, well except my willingness to keep investing the energy. I feel like I tried every angle with my last relationship and I just kept coming up against walls and more negative and glaring red flags and fruitless tiring discussions.

    Sometimes dont we just have to let go and walk away. THere isnt a day that passes that I dont have a multiple thoughts about P cross my mind. I dont wish it were different though…my heart just feels blank and relieved. Sometimes like now I feel defeated and unsuccessful and angry about it.



  250.  #250Lucy on August 26, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    What do you Sirens do about boring texts a man sends you?

    Starting up with a new CD online. He contacted me, he’s cute, works as a techie (they often seem to have the “poor verbal communication” chip lol).

    Example: Hi Lucy, how are you
    Me: I feel great. How r u? (not giving more energy than he gave me
    Him next day: I’m fine. How is your day going so far?
    Me: I feel wonderful. I felt great walking in the beautiful sunshine. What did you do today?
    Him: Went to office. But now having a great afternoon.

    O-kaaaaaaaay! So I do I just keep up with the one sentence texts? Feels SLOOOOOOOOW.

    Oy weh!
    Lucy

    P.S. I do have the dating and relationship scripts programs. Is there something on there I can reference?



  251.  #251Femininewoman on August 26, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Lucy I would not ask him anything. Just receive any energy he sends you. The questions from kinda seems to be leading and trying to keep the conversation going. Maybe if you only respond he might get bored and drop out or maybe pickup the conversation.



  252.  #252Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 5:14 pm

    Lucy,

    Noooooo!

    When he asks a question you ask a question. When he doesn’t, fall back. Let the conversation die if need be. Check this out.

    http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/01/texting-tip-2-how-should-you-reply.html?m=1



  253.  #253Femininewoman on August 26, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Hi Oshun I am not sure I would take his advice. He likes the woman inviting him to take a stroll??? Unless we are established couple I would not go there. It seems like looking for a reason to see him. Of course he will like that at first but might end up leaving it to her to initiate.



  254.  #254Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Hey Femininewoman! From my understanding that isn’t what he’s conveying in this post. In other posts he’s adamant about woman allowing the man to initiate contact, dates, etc. Even well into the relationship.

    What I took from it was that when he asked a question, she asked, when he didn’t she kind of fell back (except for the asking him out part which was all her). That’s why I included it in my last post. In that example, the woman didn’t attempt to carry the convo when things went stale. It was mutual or it wasn’t at all. That was what I was attempting to convey.

    I see what you’re saying. She did invite him out but the post wasn’t about her initiating a date it was about how she responded to texts. At least that is how I took it.



  255.  #255Femininewoman on August 26, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Maybe I need to reread



  256.  #256Lucy on August 26, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    Oshun and Feminine Woman,

    It feels so nice to talk with you 🙂

    I have a question about the rules revisited site. I’ve been on it before, and I always feel icky. It seems to be run by a man who has dated and DROPPED numerous girls and women, and I just don’t like his vibe!

    Feelings on this? I guess I’m being triggered. The whole place feels unsafe to me.

    Lucy



  257.  #257Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    Lucy,

    I feel exactly what you are talking about. Sometimes when I read certain posts I feel upset because 1. I have dated guys that just date & drop and 2. I have done some of the things mentioned and it did not feel good to see that’s how men viewed some things. It makes me feel better to take bits and pieces. Honestly, I take bits and pieces of everything and make it work for me. What doesn’t apply, I leave. What I feel good about using, I keep. The pieces I take apply to confidence and making sure you focus on you and your wants. And now incorporating feeling messages into my everyday conversations. Take what you need. Leave what you don’t. If it makes you feel icky, and I can see how, leave it all. At the end of the day we have to do what works for us. 🙂



  258.  #258Lucy on August 26, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    Oshun,

    I feel you are really good at taking what you need and ignoring the rest. That feels great to me! That feels like a skill I could learn.

    I feel grateful you responded to me, and I liked reading the text example he sent. He IS trying to help women, and I feel that he does love us in his own rather cold, calculated way….which triggered me. So…okay!

    I love that you take what works for you, and I feel you must be strong to only focus on the positive! That feels great.

    BTW, my mailbox is all of a sudden EXPLODING with CD men. Seriously! This afternoon, I had only one “active” CD baby boy man (24 year old) and now I have three others writing, and one has set up a coffee date with me for next week.

    Lucy



  259.  #259Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 6:30 pm

    Lucy #249
    Darling siren…
    This is just me but… too much texting or online messaging
    feels icky…
    I simply share with them…
    “I don’t feel good messaging for too long…
    How do you feel about this?”
    Or I say:
    “I don’t feel good messaging for too long…
    I feel really good about talking on the phone
    What are your feelings?”



  260.  #260Oshun on August 26, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Yay, Lucy! That sounds exciting! Send me some of that energy!

    Azure,

    I will be trying those feeling messages in the future. I like them a lot.



  261.  #261Azure Blu on August 26, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Mandy #246
    What a great idea!!!

    – I love to play pool
    – a walk On a beach on Lake Michigan
    – kayaking with my son – we did today!!!
    – a glass of wine with my girl friends
    – a bath with scented candles



  262.  #262Lucy on August 26, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    Azure,

    Turns out that the texting CD was not interested in coming out to where I live, so I told him I felt regretful we would not meet.

    It ended nicely — I felt fine, and he just took his passive self out of my air space lol.

    Messaging with CD techie who I was dating for 6 months started to feel icky because I was sensing him pulling away…. I was feeling a “lets be friends” vibe which I hated.

    Still mad at him, but I also feel that energy receding from my life….cant wait till it’s gone entirely, cause I know he feels it, too….

    Messaging from baby man CD feels good and he was very considerate and caring about taking me to a movie — his energy feels entirely different, though a bit irritating, too. Then I just say ttyl, and even have to ignore him.

    I feel him pulled away from me this evening — perhaps cause I mentioned a movie, and calling me in advance, and I also said he could walk with me when I exercise.

    That’s cool. I won’t call. He can streeeeeetch as far away as he wants….

    Lucy



  263.  #263Lucy on August 26, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    He asked FIRST about the walking! Just wanted to let you Sirens know that I am leaned back!

    Lucy



  264.  #264lovetodance on August 26, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    feeling a combination of depressed, sad, angry tonite…wanted to go to a social situation that use to be fun for me…but with the ending of the situation with the old cd….just uncomfortable for me….since i was the one to end it..because tired of crumbs and felt him fading away anyhow…i feel awkward in seeing him…and saddened….i really don’t relish seeing him bouncing around to all the different flowers and not interacting with me….feel so many conflicting emotions of stay away but if you ignore me that will hurt too….
    i know i need to start onllne dating so as to have some cd action to take my energy and mind off this….and then i talk to my older sis who keeps having men be interested her….no online dating…just her organic magnetism….
    oh boy…..i am having a calvacade of issues rearing their ugly heads tonite….
    is it the stars….or am i just lucky?!

    i know this will pass…just needing to vent….trying to love all my emotions…some are just so yucky and i don’t want to hang out with them to long….



  265.  #265Millie on August 26, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I’m disappointing my superiors at work. I feel like I’m not tapping in to my full potential and creativity. I am disappointed in myself for that. At the same time, I’m wondering if this is the right job for me. I’ve never had a problem excelling in design, but lately I feel blocked. I’d rather be outside doing something.

    One thing about not initiating conversations with men, you realize how alone you really are, and how lackluster nights can be.



  266.  #266Indigo on August 26, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Azure Blu & lovetodance,

    Thank you so much ((((hugs))))

    x



  267.  #267Indigo on August 26, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    IamHis,

    Leaning forward is not the end of the world – just try not to panic, and congratulate yourself for your awareness.



  268.  #268Indigo on August 26, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    Mandy 246,

    I love your list! Yay you!

    To add to it, here are some of mine:

    * Making a cup of hot chocolate, or rooibos tea and honey and drinking it while looking out the window

    * Taking a blanket and my book into the garden, or a glass of wine and sitting in the pool or jacuzzi

    * Making a pretty creation with paints, pens, glitters and coloured paper

    * Putting on some karaoke videos (from Youtube) and singing in my bedroom

    * Putting on some feel-good music and having a dance around my room

    * Hanging out with my horse – grooming her, going for a walk with her, or just sitting with her while she potters around me

    * Putting on a favourite show, one which fills up my heart with hope and good feelings – like Mcleod’s Daughters

    * Phoning or skyping a good friend or family member for a laugh or a chat

    * Going for a long walk in nature – walking slowly, breathing in the fresh air and taking in the beauty of the trees and grass and bushes

    * Going to the art gallery or theatre and experiencing experimental art or drama – it makes me feel vibrant and alive



  269.  #269Indigo on August 26, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    Lucy, re: boring texts

    I am just honest with guys – for me, I feel that this keeps my energy fresh and authentic.

    So I say “I feel bored with texting.”

    “I love getting phone calls – they feel romantic!”

    or “I am kinda old-fashioned and love being taken on a date”

    I find if you keep communicating with a man in this way, gently and without any negativity, they do seem to step up more and more.



  270.  #270Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 2:58 am

    Lucy I suspect textingcd just wants to make conversation. Maybe when he is bored. Wonder what would happen if you just drop out of any conversation after letting him know you are bored with texting



  271.  #271Teresa Tucker on August 27, 2014 at 4:45 am

    Thanks lovetodance,
    I am heading back home as my father is getting better with each passing day. I am thankful that he is still here with me. For G he is still in my head tumbling around like clothes in a dryer. I remain strong and hope to stay strong for when I return home I will have a box waiting for me. My heart will be heavy as I open it knowing that he has sent everything back to me. I ask myself with each passing day for god to give me strength that maybe G was a man that was just passing bye. I feel so disappointed in myself today wondering what I could have done differently? Was this a one sided relationship? Did I make it to easy for him? I know I leaned forward so forward that I pretty much fell on my face.

    lovetodance…..lot’s of huggs to you as I understand the pain you are feeling. I too am not sure about online dating. Times have changed so much that we now have to go online to meet new people. The thought is depressing.

    I know that cding is the way to go but for me right now I need to take a step back, regroup and then head out. I feel this is only fair to the next man I meet.

    Love to all you sirens!!



  272.  #272April Rose on August 27, 2014 at 6:06 am

    I agree with saying something like “I feel bored with texting.” As long as we don’t make it seem as if we are bored with HIM.

    As ever, it is about expressing the feelings towards the unwanted behaviour. It could so easily come across as shaming the man. After all, he is the one doing the texting. And if I was a chap, I’d be keeping it very simple, on account of I wouldn’t want to upset or offend one of those complicated female creatures!!

    Don’t forget that we girls tend to talk ‘shop’. We know what we mean by being bored of texting. We mean that we would prefer another form of communication.

    If I was a man and someone wrote me “I feel bored of texting” I would read that as “I feel bored of communicating with YOU”.

    Does anyone agree?



  273.  #273Frannie on August 27, 2014 at 6:13 am

    Hi ladies! I posted yesterday (see comment 241 above), requesting assistance with an email. I’d really appreciate any help you all can give me.
    Thanks!



  274.  #274Indigo on August 27, 2014 at 6:34 am

    April Rose,

    I get you! I always follow it up by saying how much I love that he makes the effort to text me, and that getting texts sometimes feels very nice, and that I would love to hear his voice 🙂



  275.  #275Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 6:59 am

    Frannie I like what you wrote and I would leave it at that if I were you.



  276.  #276Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 7:22 am

    Teresa Tucker I feel you in your post. I hope things go well for your dad.



  277.  #277Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 7:24 am

    April I get you. It’s just that texting takes some much energy sometimes and because we tend to almost jump when our phones go off it ends up being a kind of second job that we have to include in our multitasking.



  278.  #278IamHis on August 27, 2014 at 8:04 am

    I feel angry today. Just annoyed with some things in general, and I miss his dog of all things. She is really sweet and cuddly. Maybe I should get a dog to fill this void I’m feeling.

    I can’t believe I’m just now remembering this, but after we hugged and I told him I didn’t want to go? He went and got his whip. & I’m not using symbolism here, I mean a literal whip, with leather straps and a handle made out of beaver hair. He had me touch it.

    Ew, now I’m thinking he totally used me and wanted to see if I’d be interested in staying and um…using the whip. He never said that, but why else would he even think of that? He told me he had never used it before.

    I can’t believe how naive I was! But to be fair, I was incredibly sleepy…



  279.  #279Indigo on August 27, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Feminine Woman 277,

    “we tend to almost jump when our phones go off”

    I have had the text sound and notifications on my phone switched off for the past couple of years.

    I love it.

    I’m never interrupted by the sounds of messages, nor am I waiting to hear them. I check to see whether I’ve received any texts when I am good and ready. Works very well for me 🙂



  280.  #280lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Frannie

    i agree with FW about what you wrote…I like it also and leave it at that….

    you reached out and said what you feel….the rest i feel is up to him….otherwise its just trying to get him to do something…he either will want to or not….this gives him space to do what he organically will do…

    my two cents…..



  281.  #281lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 8:27 am

    April Rose 272

    For some reason i woke up thinking about the texting and bored question

    funny cuz i am not yet texting at this point with anyone…maybe just psychically preparing….

    anyhow really liked what you had to say about it….i am bored could easily be misconstrued about ‘bored by me’…..oh no….so easily shamed is so true..

    and so true about our agenda…if we want to hear the man on the phone….so cleaner to say that….would feel so lovely to hear your voice on the phone….



  282.  #282Frannie on August 27, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Thank you Feminine Woman & lovetodance. I appreciate your comments. He and I broke up under extenuating circumstances…I don’t think either of us really wanted to break up, but knew it was for the best. We both have some work to do on ourselves. With finding out a few weeks ago that he became ill, I just wanted to reach out and let him know I was thinking about him. I felt soooo happy yesterday when I received his email. I know whatever will happen is what is supposed to happen (I feel incredibly sad today). I feel heartbroken that we might not be able to make it work, but know I have no control over anything.

    Thank you for your comments about my email back to him. I will send it today.
    Xoxox



  283.  #283Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Indigo #269
    I love these FM!!!



  284.  #284IamHis on August 27, 2014 at 8:30 am

    Feedback about the whip would feel great. I’m suddenly feeling freaked out. & I know I’m over analyzing everything about this stupid date, but it was a big deal for me, forget about him, & I’m still trying to figure out boundaries…



  285.  #285lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 8:36 am

    iamhis 278

    it feels to me that…

    your heart felt the loving being in the room …..his dog….

    this is an experience, an adventure….more grist for the mill as they say…..

    whether or not you have more contact with him….you know more about yourself and what feels good to you..and what doesn’t….our strong needs and desires do cloud sometimes in the moment….but thats what we are here to learn about ….right! i do know/feel we get clearer as we keep experiencing our own beauty…

    and its true….dogs are the BALM……



  286.  #286IamHis on August 27, 2014 at 8:47 am

    (((Lovetodance))) – Thank you. 🙂



  287.  #287Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 8:47 am

    lovetodance #264
    I am sorry you were feeling sad last night…
    not wanting to attend the social gathering because an old cd would be there…
    I totally know how that is… I too avoided a favorite hangout because of NOT wanting to run into my old cd (I was the one who ended it… because of crumbs)
    The thing that made it easier to go was either…
    I went with a girl friend – which only happened once
    or I went with a cd….
    This event (live band and dancing with my age group) does not go on during the summer…
    I’ve always tried to get up courage and go by myself but even before old cd I couldn’t go by myself…
    Tooo many years of doing things alone!!! 🙁



  288.  #288Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 8:47 am

    IamHis 284

    Don’t beat yourself up. All you did what touch the whip. Guys sometimes have a way of suggesting things and it comes out as “I’ve never done such & such before”. It sometimes is sexual and subliminal. They know we want to stand out from other women so that simple suggestion enters our minds and we run with it. i.e. I’ll be the first he uses that whip with…etc. Expecially if they falls back and causes us to worry, sometimes we are more inclined to pay attention to those subtle suggestions and imagine ourselves in that scenario. You don’t seem to be going there. That is good. Don’t feel naive or anything. There is no harm in touching a whip, especially one that hasn’t been broken in. :o) I can understand how you feel used. He was testing the waters. Continue to lean back, he’ll either get his life together and come correctly or he won’t.



  289.  #289lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Indigo 269

    When i read this

    i thought how your horse must loooovvvvve you too!
    ‘…if i keep communicating with a ….in this way, gently and without any negativity…they do seem to step up more and more….’

    this seems so true and primal….

    about the ‘i feel bored with texting’…..

    somehow that feels to me an okay thing to write once i knew this person knew i liked them….

    just considering from all the myriad ways i do



  290.  #290Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Indigo, 279

    I think I’m going to try that turning the text notifications off on my phone. That sounds like it feels…freeing and relaxing. I get so distraction by the sounds it’s ridiculous.



  291.  #291IamHis on August 27, 2014 at 8:54 am

    @288 Thanks, Oshun. When he left the couch, I felt kind of abandoned. Scared, cold. His dog was there, all innocent and wanting attention, so I shifted my attention to her. Maybe that’s why I miss her. Her puppy love was more innocent and pure…



  292.  #292lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Thank you Azure Blu 287

    Your words bought tears to my eyes….

    I have been needing to cry….

    I have so often gone by myself…..cuz i have felt community there

    but it all is feeling lackluster to me now….[love that word anyhow]

    and i am sooooo happy i decided not to push myself there…all in good timing

    i do have friends who sometimes go with me….and bringing a cute Cd would be fantabulous….we’ll see how life unfolds….



  293.  #293Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 8:56 am

    lovetodance…
    Lovely, siren!!!
    Ahhhh online dating….

    There are Soooo many good points to it…
    The profile writing helps me get specific about who I am, what I want in my life, Who I am looking for…

    Just in doing that you have already answered many questions that dont always come up for me, when I organically meet a man.

    Also when I’m browsing the available men online …
    I can see if they have the same interests as I do…
    If they are interested in just dating or a long term relationship…
    If they have kids (I don’t date men who haven’t had kids)
    if they are widowed or divorced…
    alll of this is REALLY helpful to see if I think we could be compatible!!!!



  294.  #294Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 8:58 am

    lovetodance… PS
    also you can see from the pictures (I always make sure they are within this year) if I think they are appealing to me…
    Ohhh… also if they are over weight or keep fit..
    which is important to me since I eat healthy and workout regularly



  295.  #295Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Thanks Indigo. I don’t feel comfortable doing that because I have teenage kids that are sometimes out while I am home. Like last nite for instance. That suggestion though might work well for someone who only have themself to look out for.



  296.  #296Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Iamhis if I were you I would keep most of our dates out in public places. I do feel a bit concerned about why he would need a whip for the dog. Is that common practice of dog owners?



  297.  #297lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Azure Blu….

    I love you sharing your experience with this…and how it helps you see yourself and what you want more clearly….

    it is so interesting that i found a site that felt right…and for the life of me i cannot seem to understand how to get my profile up…i really think at this point its the site!

    would you feel okay suggesting sites that you like?

    and what shows up in my life with men is my ambivalence….

    do i want to just date or look for a long term relationship….?

    i do not want to attract men who are just looking for sex …but i also feel a lover that respects and cares about me feels in the comfort zone for me at this point….i keep being aware the question of is fear of intimacy playing into this?….or is it my nature to just naturally not want to not put the cart before the horse…..i know i just feel good letting things unfold naturally…as in this connection has energy to go further ….this one doesn’t…ahhhhh to be so even and sane in the process….one could only pray for :]

    but i also don’t want to attract superficial men who just need to get it on with as many woman as they can cuz they are just doing what they think men should do or something like that….

    i like the idea of CDing…i know i will no longer put myself in harms way…ie…crumb taking on any level…

    this work is helping me get clearer and intentional about this very important part of my life….

    [[[[[thank you]]]]]



  298.  #298Indigo on August 27, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Feminine Woman 295,

    Understood. The people I know who have kids feel the same way.

    For me I have the peace of mind of knowing that if it is really important, the person will call.



  299.  #299Indigo on August 27, 2014 at 9:50 am

    lovetodance 289,

    Thank you 🙂 It feels true and primal to me too.

    I believe my horse does love me! We have a very special bond and have been through a lot together.

    x



  300.  #300Liquid Light on August 27, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Iamhis, regarding the whip, I feel he was testing the waters to gauge your reaction. Unless you’re into that kind of kinky stuff I would read this as a red flag and run for the hills. Just my 2 cents.



  301.  #301Indigo on August 27, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Oshun 290,

    Yes. It makes me feel like I am in control of my phone, not the other way around 🙂



  302.  #302Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Sirens,

    Quick proofread! LOL

    I’m texting back and forth and working and studying… too much so this is what I’m sending to him.

    “I feel texting can get to be pretty monotonous. I would feel better getting to know each other over the phone. I am free after 8pm tonight.”

    Yeah?



  303.  #303Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 10:05 am

    lovetodance #285
    How lovely and insightful…
    “this is an experience, an adventure….more grist for the mill as they say…..
    whether or not you have more contact with him….you know more about yourself and what feels good to you..and what doesn’t”
    This all makes so much since to me



  304.  #304Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Oshun #303
    How about:
    “I am enjoying our texting but I would feel better getting to know each other over the phone. What do you think”



  305.  #305Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Lucy #262
    Wow… what a boundarie setting, sharing what YOU want Siren YOU are!!!
    This allll sounds sooo … mmmm
    YOU Loving YOU!!!
    YAY



  306.  #306April Rose on August 27, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Oshun,

    “I’d feel so happy to receive a phone call in preference to a text. What do you think?”



  307.  #307Teresa on August 27, 2014 at 10:21 am

    ((((((Femininewomen))))))#276 thanks so much!



  308.  #308Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 10:23 am

    lovetodance #297
    Ohhh… you have put together your profile…
    i think you had shared that…
    Yeah, i would say it is the site if you can’t get upload your profile online… I found Chemistry.com to be NOT user friendly… I got off there quickly…

    I am on POF… you can pay or Not pay… I haven’t gone on any dates (many have asked)
    I really am enjoying the quality of men on there…

    Also I liked eharmony and
    OurTime.com – very good quality men on both

    I found the quality of men sub par on Match… haven’t been on there in years…

    I do understand what you are saying about
    stating a forever relationship versus let’s date and see what happens…
    I actually put it this way when i discuss this (usually within the first 1-2 dates)
    I say: “I am looking for a man who wants a forever relationship and marriage.. It may not be me, and we can’t know unless we date… but at least we’ve shared what we’d like our life to look like.”



  309.  #309IamHis on August 27, 2014 at 10:23 am

    I think I am into that kinky stuff, but I want to save it for my husband.



  310.  #310Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 10:29 am

    IamHis #309 LOL
    Ohhh… sooo good!!!



  311.  #311Teresa on August 27, 2014 at 10:32 am

    April Rose……

    I couldn’ t agree more. I am over cell phones when it comes to dating. When G would text me he wanted me to answer quickly, but when I would reply back he would take his time. He would say he wasn’t for sure if I was looking for an answer or if I was even expecting a response.



  312.  #312Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Iamhis – do you know enough about the kinky stuff to be sure you are into it?

    I suspect the whip was about kinky but am not sure so I did not want to suggest that,

    So again, I ask is it normal for dog owners to use whips?



  313.  #313Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 10:47 am

    I have seen where Rori suggested to another lady that texting is fine.

    April Rose – hhmm I dunno. I can see where the script you wrote has agenda/prompting/suggesting so I don’t know.

    I really appreciated you sharing about the telecast about coming from lean back internal energy and am just feeling curious if such a is leaned back.



  314.  #314Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Oshun #302
    I thought it might be helpful
    if i shared my proofing and why…

    “pretty monotunous” he may feel is making HIM wrong
    “I am free at 8pm…” is leaning way forward….



  315.  #315lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    312 FW

    no it is not normal for dog owners to use whips….and anybody who does should immediately be reported to animal safety and control…

    it would constitute horrible and cruel animal abuse…

    between consenting adults….well thats a whole nother kettle of fish….



  316.  #316Jamee on August 27, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Lots of good advice here…getting so many emails…how can I cut down or change my request not to get them?



  317.  #317lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    dear Azure Blu

    thank you for the online suggestions….and no i have not yet put together my profile….just been frustrated in trying to initiate with must like dogs dating…..site….i am more excited about doing profiles as i see your take on it….

    again, so enjoy your experience and reflections in this complex, engaging, exciting sometimes terrifying [for me process]….how i look forward to my confidence continuing to build as i truely love myself more and more…..

    any rejection, whether it was me deciding or someone deciding about me….felt sooooo hard….

    i think i am now seeing how i can and really must hold this all so differently….



  318.  #318Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    I know this is silly but I told M I’d let him know whether or not I’d attend his event. The invite wasn’t personal and I haven’t heard much from him except for his apartment update. A part of me wants to send a message saying I won’t be able to attend. Another part wants to just not show up and let him figure it out. Thoughts? Feelings?



  319.  #319Indigo on August 27, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Oshun,

    For me, an example of a feeling message I’d use would be:

    “I’m not a big fan of texting to be honest, I love phone calls. It would feel great to hear your voice”

    This is a message I have used with always a very positive response.



  320.  #320Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Oshun #318
    From My experience…
    it is very tempting to just blow it off
    BUT since Rori it is in MY best interest
    to sink down into MY feelings…
    discover what they are…
    and practice sharing what I’m feeling!!!

    maybe yours are:
    “I feel good(or confused or upset??) about your invitation…
    but I am feeling awkward about attending…
    I’m not going to be there… I wanted you to know.”

    I always found i regretted later NOT taking the opportunity (which is my old story) to speak up
    and NOT BE INVISIBLE and I’m trying to change!!



  321.  #321lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    320 azure blu…

    inspiring
    response
    to
    oshun 318



  322.  #322Sophie on August 27, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    I feel impatient for my new life to begin. I feel bored and frustrated. I know I don’t have to wait for life to begin. It begins now. I’m going to begin it now. September is going to be a GREAT month and I’m going to go out A LOT and HAVE FUN. I feel like I’ve been waiting since about January. I HAVE been waiting since about January. I’ve felt trapped and worn out. I haven’t known how to shift anything. B has felt like a huge boulder in my way. I feel angry. He wants to back out of the court case and I feel angry. I feel wanting for its conclusion so that I haven’t wasted the last year of my life. Grrrrr I feel like I HAVE wasted a whole year of my life. Go away huge boulder. Ha ha B for boulder. And I want him to see it through so that I feel respect for him. I am invested in wanting to respect him. It’s okay – once I’ve worked through my feelings I will respect him for making his own decisions.

    Having been contacted by an old CD it ignited dormant feelings in me. Sexual chemistry feelings. And I’d kind of put them aside…for any man…it felt too difficult with B in my living space. And I got an immediate lust for the excitement that comes with sexual chemistry and male attention. I had forgotten it all. I need to be careful though … not to make myself feel worse in the name of making myself feel better. A booty call feels like quite an attractive option. Argh no! it doesn’t. Already old CD is being old CD. He would drop in and out of my life on a whim and keep me wanting. He is doing that now. And sometimes I’m so close to leaning forward cos I’m just so totally dissatisfied with my life but I’m aware of it and I don’t…so it’s okay. But it has been like a mirror to everything I’ve been denying myself in terms of living, and fun, and attention, and dating and sex and feeling attractive and fun and sexy.

    I have been reading all the comments – such great stuff going on. Kyla – the loving, thoughtful care Ninja showed you was just beautiful. Lucy – my old CD was a young one too (I experimented lots)…it was fun but also a minefield. I can elaborate if you’d like me to 🙂 Azure Blu and Linda – such lovely self love work you’re both doing I feel inspired by you – April Rose – it feels exciting to get all the extra knowledge from Rori’s teleclass and I feel inspired by your new career move It sounds like you have lots of passions in your life, Daria from the last blog I wanted to say how pleased for you I felt the work that you have done on your healing, Indigo you truly are an inspiration 🙂 ((((Alllll the sirens))))



  323.  #323Lucy on August 27, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Dearest Sirens,

    I love all your comments. What a shoal of exploring, wandering Sirens we all are.

    “Feeling” about our feminine energy today as I subbed in for a gay friend of mine at mass….(have been getting lots more $$ from Universe — thank you Universe)…

    We women are amazing, creative — creating all the time with thoughts and words — AND this is a masculine linear culture. We are here to change that — not by fighting, but simply being ourselves.

    Every gesture, every word, counts….

    I think Rori is a genius. I really do. Rori, I hope you read this soon….I get so much from your work, more than just catching a man….it’s more about my creative spirit.

    Rori, I think you could develop a whole other program for creativity in women….

    Baby boy CD 24-year-old texted me and actually drove up to where I was walking (I didn’t stop for him), and walked with me. He is soooo handsome, hot, and was very very sweet. He is a mellow, “hippie”, feeling kind of a guy, and I may have to instruct him on why it’s important to ask me out for a date. He did ask to walk all 5 miles with me on Friday.

    I felt nervous, but tried to breathe. I did feeling messages. He looked soooo smitten when he first saw me.

    Painful memories of CD techie. Breathing through them. Angry that I let him take me for granted.

    Another CD techie — the coffee date one — keeps talking to me online. He is stubborn, aggressive, and abrupt — like a lot of scientific guys I know! And he did ask what I liked to do, and wants to meet for coffee. So he asks the right questions…

    Lucy



  324.  #324April Rose on August 27, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Femininewoman.

    Hmmm. Yes, in the teleclass Rori did say that texting is a thing we need to build a relationship with, because there is so much of it these days. And, that it is best to keep it for logistical things, because the tone and meaning can be so easily misinterpreted.

    I guess my message did have an agenda, looking at it again.
    I am working out the finer points of distinction between
    1. giving instructions (a no-no. It’s bound to come from masculine energy.
    2. Being directive – Rori says you can do this with younger guys or more feminine energy men. It’s about appealing to their hero inside, so they know what to do that will make you happy.
    3. Expressing feelings with no hoping to influence an outcome.

    2 and 3 are all in the voice texture, and the leaned back inside-yourself way of talking.

    So… it is not possible to convey tone of voice in a text, is it?….
    So, hmmm … what do we do?

    I like Indigo’s “I’m not a big fan of texting….” I would personally add “It make my thumb feel sore!”



  325.  #325Lucy on August 27, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    April Rose,

    This class feels so good. I feel so tempted to take it!

    Thank you for sharing what Rori said.

    Lucy



  326.  #326Sophie on August 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    My angry feelings have passed now. I feel bad for being blamey. I took myself away and came here though to work through my feelings. That is a good thing.



  327.  #327April Rose on August 27, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Thanks Lucy,

    I can’t recommend the Love Forever teleclass highly enough.
    There are currently 14 recordings of Rori, each one between 1.5-2.5 hours long!

    Recordings 1-6 Rori describes as a ‘masterclass’. The subsequent ones are all about refining the tools.

    The wonderful thing about listening to Rori is that she never gets repetitive. Everything sounds so fresh.



  328.  #328April Rose on August 27, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    ((((Sophie))))

    It felt good to read your comments to us all. Thank you for seeing that I have passions in my life. I had a bout of negative voices today, spinning the story that I’m not doing much with my life. I felt lonely and weird listening to them. It took me practically the whole day to step away from them.

    When are you moving house?



  329.  #329April Rose on August 27, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Lucy,

    I will revisit what Rori said in the tele class about taking a younger lover (she absolutely recommends it, unless you are adamant you only want to hold out for your forever guy).



  330.  #330Sophie on August 27, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    328 – I feel interested April Rose in that little synchronicity between your Nv’s and then my observations 🙂 I can feel passion in your posts at the moment about the things you’re inspired by. Passion is infectious. Moving the end of September…that feels exciting! I don’t know where I’m going! I am so ready to embrace something new…(I think…mostly!)



  331.  #331Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    RE 329 I can’t imagine that she recommends that as a general for everyone.



  332.  #332Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    lovetodance I thought so but did not want to assume.

    Iamhis the fact that this guy has a whip on hand suggests two things to me.

    1. He does not know how to take care of a breathing entity.
    2. It is something he has used as a sex toy.

    Why would he need it as an animal owner or trainer? Except to tame the animal. With your inexperience and all that you have told him I feel concerned. There are men out there who take advantage of vulnerable women. I’d hate to see that happen to you so I urge/encourage/plead with you that you keep things out in the public until you feel confident in trusting yourself, then trusting him.



  333.  #333Linda on August 27, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Thank you Sophie. I feel a bit of a struggle … wrestling with some old negative, dis-empowering thoughts and voices. I will keep pressing on though.



  334.  #334Linda on August 27, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    IamHis… Reading about the whip etc feels out of place and off and inappropriate to me.

    Alarmed is a the best word I can use to describe how I felt about what I read.



  335.  #335Linda on August 27, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Dogs…. they are great! I highly recommend them.

    I have to say that the best most satisfying relationship I have ever had with another living breathing creature has been with a dog.

    If only I could find a man who was excited to see me as my dog every time I walk in the door! HA!!



  336.  #336Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Azure Blu, I really loved your response and decided to put it to use. I am tired of suppressing my feelings to make it appear as if everything is okay. Your response actually made me feel better and made me smile.

    So I told M I didn’t feel good about going and his reply was “You don’t feel good about it?!”

    I am not really understanding what is going on. I don’t feel good about going to an event and I haven’t seen him in a month. Real simple. I get this is something he works hard on. And I don’t want to be that girl that is like “you don’t spend any time with me” but he doesn’t and then sends a generic invite nothing personal about it. He doesn’t call. Sends mediocre texts. Am I supposed to be excited to go to his event and support him when I’m not getting what I need? Are we even dating anymore or are we friends? And if we’re friends, when did that happen because he hasn’t taken the time to say things have changed. He just stopped calling and planning dates. And his words don’t match his actions. His words said everything was fine. His actions shut me out like he was trying to protect himself from me. When I had that thought earlier today, I felt like crying. Feel it now. So what am I supposed to say? I am happy for your event and you getting it done but you neglected something you acted like you were into and I can’t pick up and be all smiles. Mind you he hasn’t called to see about anything I have going on. I told him my mother being in town shouldn’t stop us from seeing each other…nothing. You can’t two hours out of one or two days out of each week to date?! NO I DON’T FEEL GOOD ABOUT GOING TO YOUR EVENT WHEN I HAVEN’T SPENT ANY REAL TIME WITH YOU!!! And I know I shouldn’t make it about me but (excuse my language) fvck that! Why do I have to be the nice girl and show up and smile only to wonder why I’m not seeing him afterwards? I feel confused. Why does he even care? When I said it would be nice to see him more, he didn’t care enough to do anything about it? I get so tired of this! What am I supposed to do wait until he feels like paying attention to what I’ve said? Now I feel like an unsupportive…friend.



  337.  #337Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    lovetodance #321
    mmmmm…..that feels so nice to hear…
    thank you…



  338.  #338Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 7:00 pm

    What do I say?! If I had blown him off, he’d feel one way. I express how I feel, he feels a way. You can’t fade a person out and not expect her to feel confused and frustrated about it.



  339.  #339Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    Sophie #322
    Lovely warm Siren…
    I feel very inspired by how you manage
    to keep your boundaries and self love
    while living with your ex… Not sure I could do this!!!

    So sorry the court case is being sabatoged by B…
    Love this:
    “It’s okay – once I’ve worked through my feelings I will respect him for making his own decisions. “



  340.  #340Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    Oshune….
    I’d say ALLL this
    ” I get this is something you work hard on. And I don’t want to be that girl that is like “you don’t spend any time with me” but you don’t. You then send a generic invite nothing personal about it. You don’t call. Send mediocre texts. I’m not getting what I need. Are we even dating anymore or are we friends? And if we’re friends, when did that happen because he hasn’t taken the time to say things have changed. You just stopped calling and planning dates. And YOUR words don’t match your actions. You said everything was fine. Everything doesn’t feel fine to me.
    VERY WELL put!!!



  341.  #341Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    That seems like a lot to put in a message.

    I want to express how I feel and not seem crazy.



  342.  #342Emerson on August 27, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    How would I ask a cd to help me with my car? When he comes over I want him to help me with my tire pressure. Nothing major. My natural masculine direction giving voice wants to say “bring a tire gauge”…and I want to have some suggestions how to express more feminine



  343.  #343Liquid Light on August 27, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    Oshun,

    If it were me, I would leave out the part about being friends. Don’t plant that seed if that’s not what you want. Everything else, yes, because its how you feel!



  344.  #344Teresa on August 27, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    I am home sitting in my living room crying, shaking, as I opened the box. G sent me everything I left at his home. Heart broken…where do I go from here now? I want to send him a text or call and ask why? Life is cruel and there are times I wonder if life is worth living? Pain and sadness…moving forward getting out there circular dating my mind is spinning. All I want to do is just curl in a ball and cry. I feel lonely my walls are closing in and I feel like I can’t breathe…..



  345.  #345Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Should I call or should this be a text match? I hate these conversations by text. This is ridiculous.



  346.  #346prplpsn28 on August 27, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Teresa 344…I know exactly how you feel. Boy do I know. Hugs to you



  347.  #347Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Oshun in my case I did not respond to the text. Exactly a week later he called angry that I did not respond. He said if you don’t like to hear my voice you can text. I told him how I feel about his voice and that I don’t accept last minute invites plus I was at an event I was invited to. He proceeded to invite me to another barbeque that same day. I told him I was feeling so angry I felt myself shaking. He kinda giggle and kept on saying come eat some food and have some fun. I ended up not going. I have a life. I am pretty sure he will call again.



  348.  #348Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Oshun it should not be a text match. If you compete with him he will win.



  349.  #349Liquid Light on August 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Teresa, You are in shock and grieving. This just happened. Its natural to feel upset and depressed. Please give it some time. It will get better and with a bit of time and distance you will realize that you are in a better place to respond (or not respond) in the best way. Big hugs to you, girl, and just take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve and feel your feelings. Please, take care of yourself, that’s your highest priority right now.

    ((((((((((((((Teresa)))))))))))))))))



  350.  #350Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 8:09 pm

    Oshun … PS
    I forgot your final quesiton to him…. “What do you think?”



  351.  #351lovetodance on August 27, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    theresa 346….

    sweet woman

    i feel how much pain you must be in…..

    please know that almost every woman and man has had their heart broken…if not once, many times….

    so you are in good company

    and altho it does feel like its the end of the world

    IT IS NOT…..IT REALLY REALLY REALLY IS NOT

    PLEASE reach out to others now…like you are doing here….let people hold you, hug you, soothe you…and if there is no one around physically to do that…call a friend, a family member….some one you trust….

    and if there is no one to call…you beautifull siren will hold and hug and soothe yourself….because you can…and you probably are now….

    what you are describing…walls closing in, can’t breathe….sounds like big anxiety to me….can you take a bath, a walk, can you cry into the wind and your pillow sweetheart or cry and walk …i did that soooo much…i didn’t care if people saw….

    your father being so ill and a heartbreak….so much to take in….to process …to deal with…maybe take a break from processing if you can….and whatever stoires you are telling yourself that make you feel bad…throw them a cookie or a whole box of sweet, numbing cookies…..say thank you and not now….know you did nothing wrong…..we are all finding out who we are now…and we keep changing and finding the beauty of us just as we are…so we can love all of our selves….not just the parts that we thought we successful or good or cute or got what we thought we wanted…..

    give yourself major credit for being with your dad!…doing what you needed to do!….and now credit for going thru this….!

    i too have felt all that you are feeling….where i literally dropped to my knees praying it wasn’t so…

    but here i am…so so so over it…..thank you the divine for ending that relationship….and i even tho have not been in a committed relationship since then….am gratefull for the end of it!!! and not being in a committed relationship in all that time ….has been my choice and my path….there has been opportunites….there are always opportunities…..

    so darling….know this to shall passs….it really really really will…..and you will be the stronger and happier .woman for it….take care of your beautifull self….



  352.  #352Azure Blu on August 27, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    ((((Teresa)))) #344
    Darling, Beautiful, Amazing Siren…
    I feel so honored you are sharing your feelings
    with us here on Siren Island…

    I am soooo sorry you are feeling sooo hurt, sad, angry…
    it isn’t fair that you are going thru this…
    Ohhh… please, take care of YOU…
    feel your feelings… softly, gently
    Give Yourself hugss…
    literally put your arms around YOU
    and hug YOU and tell YOU
    You lOve You and will ALWAYS take care of YOU!!!



  353.  #353Lucy on August 27, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Sophie,

    I would love it if you could elaborate on a younger CD.

    This one is a real smoothie. I wonder if he is Cancer — my Scorpio energy attracts a lot of Cancerian men.

    Lucy



  354.  #354Emerson on August 27, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Ah hugs to all the hurting sirens …I am sorry for your pain…



  355.  #355Teresa on August 27, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Thanks Sirens for your support……

    I can’t get out of my head all the things we did together. Helping this man move past a prior marriage that ended 2009. Lifting his spirits, standing by his side reassuring that things will get better. Better by changing how he feels….looking at the brighter side. Knowing that I am someone he can count on…that I wasn’t going anywhere. I helped him move furniture, clean his home so he could forget the past and have a fresh start. What hurts the most is G was in the process of loosing his home to foreclosure. This meant loosing the home that he built and the only school district his son knew. I told him that I would sit down and help him write a letter to the bank…appealing to them to not take his home. It was the most deepest, heart felt letter I have ever written. He found out 3 weeks ago the bank would work with him. Boy was I a fool!!!!



  356.  #356Oshun on August 27, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    I CALLED! I’m a very direct person and I do not have time for texting serious issues. I could not take it. I pretty much told him that I feel good about his event and that I understand what he’s worked hard for but I feel a shift and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I then told him I don’t feel good going to an event when I haven’t seen him in a month outside of events we both happen to be at. I told it feels like getting bits and pieces of something. Then I said.. what are your thoughts and I shut my mouth. You’d all be so proud. Lol Him: Is there something you want to ask me? Because i have already told you what is going on so nothing I’m going to say will be new. Me: Um…no. Is there something you want to say? He then said he has a lot going on with work so much so that he isn’t sure he’ll have that job much longer and with planning the event (he was working on it when I called) he has been really busy. Then he says “I know we make time for what we want to do. I believe that also. And I don’t have a girlfriend or another woman somewhere. I’m just really exhausted with everything I’m dealing with that it’s almost debilitating.” So I told him I understood and was being patient but I needed to know something and I still don’t see how a couple of hours out of the week is too much. And he assured me I wasn’t asking for too much and that if what he’s saying isn’t justification enough he understands and that would be fair but he could only apologize for it. And I expressed I felt better just saying something. And he asked “you feel better?” Me: I do because I know me and if I had continued to ignore it I’d feel worse.

    Then we talked about regular stuff! And I did feel better. At the end of our conversation he assured me that the serious conversation we had over a month ago hasn’t changed anything either. I thanked him for saying that because i needed to hear that. It felt like every thought I had in the back of my mind he smashed.

    How do I feel now?
    More words… I’m going to lean back. Way back. I still don’t feel good about going to the event but he wants me there. Idk but I feel empowered in just expressing my feelings.



  357.  #357Femininewoman on August 27, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Teresa you weren’t a fool. You did what most of us women would have done in the situation. The only problem is that builds friendship not romance. You are in a great place her because you will learn how to build romance here. First off start with romancing yourself first. Try and figure out what feels romantic to you then do it.



  358.  #358Liquid Light on August 27, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Wow, I just got off the phone w MM. He’s the one from online that wants to come fly out to see me. We had a 30 min conversation, our first time talking ever. It was actually pretty good. I am usually really uncomfortable and awkward on the phone with someone who is a stranger. But the conversation flowed easily. He said he’s read and reread my profile over and over again and really likes it. He’s said that a day hasn’t gone by in the last 6 weeks that he hasn’t looked at my profile! So sweet. So….

    He’s coming out this weekend, probably on Friday and says he’s got something really special planned! I hope I’m not really disappointed though and I hope that he isn’t disappointed by me too. He seems very masculine and knows what he wants and what he’s looking for and says that so far I’m it!! Wow, that got my attention. I like that!

    Anyway feeling a bit better that it won’t be a giant disaster. Fingers are crossed.



  359.  #359Emerson on August 27, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    357 wow FW that is so true.
    I feel so fortunate to have this blog to learn from. I think about the things I’ve learned on here all the time…about texting, overfunctioning, leaning forward, leaning back, open body language, outgirling, cding, reminding open, matching energy when replying to a text (ie, if he text one word, I text one word back), feeling messages, stating what I don’t want,
    Being authentic, staying feminine, voting for myself, etc!!!



  360.  #360Emerson on August 27, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    I would constantly second guess myself in the past…I feel lucky to “know” Rori so I have a point of reference…
    I feel so much more confident than I used to



  361.  #361Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 12:39 am

    Sophie,

    Thank you for the kind words xxx



  362.  #362Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 12:43 am

    Frannie 241,

    I would add:

    “I would enjoy hearing about it.”

    This is if you want to still communicate with him!



  363.  #363Teresa on August 28, 2014 at 1:31 am

    Awake and not able to sleep as I have let this man consume my thoughts……

    FW#357 I wish I had a second chance!!

    🙁



  364.  #364April Rose on August 28, 2014 at 2:19 am

    Sweet Teresa,

    Sending you love and hugs to calm the pain.

    When I read your post detailing all the support and warmth you have given, it made me wish for you the exact same thing but THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

    You are now free to unravel your patterns and begin to open your heart to a man who will
    “Lift YOUR spirits, stand by YOUR side, reassuring YOU. Knowing that HE is someone you can count on…that HE isn’t going anywhere.”



  365.  #365Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 2:51 am

    Teresa your story kinda reminds me of Mel’s. Her husband wanted out after he finished his law studies and she was devastated. She learned what she needed to do on the blog and she stuck with herself. Now she is in a wonderful relationship with a great. As far as I am concerned it happened real fast for her.



  366.  #366April Rose on August 28, 2014 at 2:57 am

    The discussion about taking a lover followed on from this:

    In the tele class Rori answered a lady who shared her experience of saying to a man, “I don’t want a one-night stand. I want epic love”

    Rori showed us the difference expressing your feelings of where you are in the moment, rather than an expression of where you are in life.

    Rori said that once you start explaining yourself and what you want, there is more chance for your intensity to come out as ‘pushing’. The alternative is to stay in the moment “Mmm, kissing you feels so great. My body feels on fire. I feel so responsive to you. And, I’m feeling overwhelmed and I don’t feel ready”.



  367.  #367April Rose on August 28, 2014 at 3:16 am

    “However, not all of us want a forever man. Some of us want a fun good time. So, I want you to examine, all of you, what is it that you really do want. You know, if you’re looking for a forever guy, and you’re really not gonna do any boy toys or have sex with anybody, then that’s your plan. And if that’s your plan the way you do this when you’re kissing and making out in the parking lot is “Wow. This feels so incredible. My body’s just responding to you. It feels so good. You’re such a great kisser. Wow, I’m feeling like I’d better stop. Now!” And then you’re in control of yourself, and you feel good self-esteem, and you wave goodbye.
    And that’s your rule, that you make, which you follow all the time.
    However, if you’re in a grey area and you do actually want to sleep with some men, and you do actually wanna have a lover – which I recommend totally – I think we all need to be touched, and loved up, by men (we don’t want to make it ‘sport f***ing, but we do want to make our own rules about what we want).

    So, if you are going to choose a man as a boy toy for an evening, then you do it, 1000%. You have grand sex with him! You just are an acrobat/or lay there and take from him, you let him love you up. And then you send him home!! And you don’t think about him again. Until he calls.”



  368.  #368Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 3:20 am

    April Rose 367,

    I love what Rori has said here. It gives us permission to make it up EXACTLY as we want it.



  369.  #369Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 3:22 am

    That’s why I never respond to someone who tries to make me feel bad about what it is that *I* want – how would they know if they are not me?

    It may not be what they want, and that’s ok. But I am going to go hell for leather for something that makes me feel GOOOOOD.



  370.  #370Sophie on August 28, 2014 at 3:36 am

    367 – I don’t know if I could do it April Rose. My emotions ALWAYS get involved. I’ve tried it (a lot) – to just have a non-attached lover would feel great in theory but I have never learned how to keep my emotions completely out of it…if I like them enough to want to have sex then it feels hard to just walk away from that…And it feels hard to keep it fun and not later think – what did I do that for?! For me…anyway…maybe I learnt from my experimenting that it’s not the way for me to go?



  371.  #371teresa on August 28, 2014 at 3:41 am

    As my head keeps spinning I ask myself……I know I need to “feel” express myself with feeling words which I worked very hard with as I have the Rori collection. I would have never moved forward with all of this if he just wanted to be friends?

    I received a very loving/nice text from his sister yesterday asking about my father. To end her text she sent me ” And regarding G, I know you care about him but believe me you will be much happier without all his anxiety he dishes out to you. Please take a deep breath, close that chapter and get excited about what life holds from you from now on. G doesn’t deserve you or your love and you will never change or fix him. He thinks he’s perfect”. So I ask myself why do I feel the way I do? I wish right now I was in a pine box 6 feet below this crazy earth.



  372.  #372Azure Blu on August 28, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Oshun #356
    Wow… A Siren alllll the way…
    Sooo welll put… I love that you shared YOUR feelings and then stopped and listened!!!
    That Is soooo difficult for me!
    Several times you Stopped!!!
    You are an inspiration!!!



  373.  #373Azure Blu on August 28, 2014 at 6:09 am

    Kim,
    Wondering how you are and how your weekend went last week in the Keys!!!



  374.  #374Azure Blu on August 28, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Teresa #355
    Lovely, kind, Siren
    Alll those kind things you did for him are the leaning forward that pushes men away…
    I remember feeling the same with BK (whom I loved with alll my heart)- Ohhhh… I did this and that and alll the time we spent together…
    I learned From Rori’s posts helping a man is a VERY tricky business and relegates us to the friends and mother gategory
    You have NOT done anything wrong…
    From what his sister is saying… and she would KNOW…
    Get on YOUR horse and RUN, RUN fast and DON’T look back…
    You are lucky to be getting out now…



  375.  #375Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 7:16 am

    ((((((((((((((teresa)))))))))))))))))



  376.  #376Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 7:21 am

    aaaahhh Thank you very much April Rose



  377.  #377Oshun on August 28, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Good morning, sirens!

    Thank you, Azure.

    Right it’s just words. We’ll see how it plays out in deeds. I feel secure enough to say that will be my last time mentioning anything to him. I’m going to continue CDING and turning my focus on me. If nothing happens then at least I can walk away knowing I shared how I felt.

    Happy Thursday, beauties.



  378.  #378Linda on August 28, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Teresa. My heart goes out to you, I have been where you are at. I so so so get it. One of the things we seem to jump to is to find what we did wrong and want to fix it. We roll everything over and over looking for the flaw, the reason… the one thing that would make it go away. It is important to remember that you were not in this alone.

    From your last post it says to me clearly that his family sees who he is. His sister felt compelled to communicate to you the truth. I see that as a gift to you.

    It reminds me of an interaction I had with a family member of the man was last in a relationship with. They have known these men their whole lives. They have seen their patterns etc. It was indeed a gift for me.

    Also, I know it does not feel like it now but having things returned quickly to you is a gift too. I have had the things on in a bag on the porch or things in the side yard (yes literally) waiting to be picked up and for days and weeks. It feels worse.

    There are many things you will discover about this and yourself as you walk, crawl, curl up in a fetal position, cry, scream, question, talk you way thru to the other side of this. There IS the other side.

    One thing I have learned and is probably the most important for me LOVING and investing in myself and diving into the layers it as I discover what I want, need and want to feel. Staying tuned into your feelings and accepting even them (even the bad ugly ones too).

    Sending you a love and hugs.



  379.  #379Oshun on August 28, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Right now it’s just words*



  380.  #380Labbit on August 28, 2014 at 9:28 am

    I need a space to vent a little. I’m having a wonderful week…filled with friendly social outings, one CD date and another one coming up, and great days at work. The positive vibes from my dates with TenderCD last week have continued to grow. It’s like I can feel him touching me, loving on me, even when he’s not here with me. I’ve never felt anything like that before. It feels nice!

    But in the midst of all these enjoyable moments, my nasty voice will not shut up!! TenderCD is traveling for work this week. On Sunday evening he surprised me with a call after he arrived at his hotel. Our chat was romantic and comforting. I don’t expect to hear from him until he gets back. This damn voice inside me is torturing me at times though! It feels exhausting. It’s telling me all sorts of lies about TenderCD and nothing I seem to do is helping. I tried sinking into the fears of abandonment and rejection. I tried giving the gremlins a cookie. I’ve tried reading, a massage, and other things that make me feel good. And I do feel good…there’s just this really annoying undercurrent of anxiety that I wish would go away! I had a lovely date earlier this week with a handsome guy, dinner, a walk in the park and he was a great kisser. The NVs were waiting for me as soon as we said goodnight.

    The anxiety is much less than it’s ever been and that’s so, so great. I KNOW this isn’t real, it’s lies from old relationships and my childhood fears and whatever else. I know the very fact that I wish TenderCD would fly home, wrap me in his arms and tell me everything’s OK just shows that I need to love on myself extra good right now, to find that confidence within which shows itself more and more between the bouts of fear. I feel scared that TenderCD can feel my fear and that it will push him away. It’s silly, but that’s how I feel. I don’t want to be scared, I want to feel peaceful, calm, serene. At times I feel a little hopeless, do these voices EVER die down?



  381.  #381April Rose on August 28, 2014 at 10:03 am

    grass is greener,

    I feel confused.
    You said he picked you up in a fancy car. And later didn’t call to see if you got home ok. You mean he didn’t drive you home? Is there something I’m missing here?



  382.  #382Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Azure Blu – 47 – I feel so understood and I keep thinking back to your words which Funny too echoed in one of our discussions. Your words have brought a kind balance to my thinking and being with this – thank you dear sweet Azure xx



  383.  #383Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Beloved – 80 – Wow.



  384.  #384Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Indigo – 111 & 112 – Your sirenness is just so beautiful here : ) I was going to ask you what you discovered about yourself with all your opening up with D. After reading what you wrote in #120, I feel curious for myself about the clarity you mentioned. I like that a lot : )



  385.  #385Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Luzydel – 208 – Thank you!



  386.  #386Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Oshun -302 – To make it more personalized to you and your needs, if it were me, I would really get to what it is I need. I feel inspired to explore more what these moments mean to me.

    ‘I love getting to know someone over the phone at the end of a day – a soft talking through voice only, it feels like a soothing pleasure listening to both breath and words – it seems closer than words on a screen, our ears listening to words, our mouths both breathing and talking, our bodies listening to each other in the pauses.’

    ‘I love hearing a man’s voice before I go to sleep. (especially a man who loves me)’



  387.  #387Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Sophie – 322 – You sound like you want to get your siren freedom vibe going – woo nice! For me, I was struck by maybe a need wanting to express itself, that maybe you want a man you can respect – hm I feel curious to explore that.



  388.  #388Dominique on August 28, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Oshun – 336 – There’s a lot of you in here and basically making him wrong which he may very well be, yet telling some he’s wrong will not get you what you want or need and likely won’t make you feel better.

    How about this instead –

    I feel confused. I hear everything is fine between us, yet it doesn’t feel fine. Can you help me with this? Can you help me understand?

    xxoo



  389.  #389Dominique on August 28, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Oshun – Just read 356 – You are AWESOME. Short, simple, sweet, and from your heart. And it all turned out so well. Yay you!!!

    xxoo



  390.  #390Azure Blu on August 28, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Labbitt #381
    Sooo glad you are feeling sooo good and sireny…

    Yeah, but those NV and high anxiety!!! YUCK!!

    I know exactly what you’re talking about… I’m sure many of us do on Siren Island…

    You are doing sooo many of the things I would do…
    A good reminder for me… you mentioned
    when your wanting Tender to come and wrap you in his arms… it’s a reminder you need to love on YOURSELF even more…

    I’ve been fighting the very same thing…
    and like you, NOT wanting this needy vibe to spill over to Spirit…
    I’ve been doing a lot of noticing how MY energy
    is constantly spilling out …
    I’ve been bringing that energy back into myself…
    which has been helping calm some of my anxiety…

    another thing I have in my past…
    “I believe I need to work VERY hard for LOVE”
    soooo… I’ve been hugging me and gently
    saying… Azure… sweet, darling. You Do not have to work hard for LOVE…. It comes to YOU…
    Softly, gently like a whole bunch of butterflies all fluttering around you…drawn to your sweetness.

    not sure if this could help…
    Keep doing alll the great work!!!



  391.  #391Dominique on August 28, 2014 at 10:35 am

    Labbit – 381 – Yes the voices do soften, morph a little, a lot, show up at intervals of increasingly greater spans of time the safer you feel in yourself, the more trust you feel within yourself. For me this took a very long time, yet it happened. I hardly ever have an encounter with my gremlins anymore, and when they do pay a visit, they don’t hang around for long.

    xxoo



  392.  #392Azure Blu on August 28, 2014 at 10:37 am

    grassisgreener…
    Wow… you have shared such a lovely date
    and using Rori tools like a pro!!! Alllll the leaning back and noticing the intricate balance!!
    LOVELY!

    What a great reminder for me.
    “really I feel I should try to focus on the actions instead of that one missing little thing. And the actions were just perfect…”



  393.  #393Veronica on August 28, 2014 at 10:38 am

    (((((((((Teresa))))))



  394.  #394Lucy on August 28, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Dear Sirens,

    I’m confused about what Rori says w younger men. I guess there are no shoulds or shouldn’ts. It’s whatever we want. Right?

    I do tend to get emotionally involved after sex. I never have dated two men at one time — but am now, or at least, involved w several and flirting with any man I see. It all feels great.

    Abrupt CD techie (lol) is asked me what I liked to do. I said walk, go to art museum or live music event. So he then said “Could I come by your house and we could walk?” I texted back and said “I would like to go to the Art Museum.”

    I really want a proper date!

    BoyMan CD asked me to text him when I leave for my walk tomorrow.

    And some other queries on my sites.

    I did sign up for the Love Forever class. Why? Because I felt like it. I’ve actually spent more money on myself this year than any other (my two kids have gotten a lot of attention and $$). I can honestly say that the $$ spent on me have paid off in huge attention from men and growth of confidence in myself. I still occasionally feel guilty for spending money on myself, but all it really was, was two intuition classes (which I love), Rori’s complete collection, and another online dating course.

    The quickest way to get out of any man-funk (and I really feel for you Sirens who are grieving — I was two weeks ago, but I feel like a different person now) is to spend $$ on yourself. ALOT of $$. Take it out of retirement or whatever — i feel like I need to live NOW.

    Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, after spending the $$ I wanted to hoard, several opportunities to make $$ came up plus about a million ideas for businesses I could start. Investing in yourself is ALWAYS a good thing.

    Lucy



  395.  #395Azure Blu on August 28, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Lucy!!! Ahhhh,,, you’re sharing feels like a bright summer day… and a bubbly brook…
    Your words are making me smile!!
    :->



  396.  #396Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 11:02 am

    grass is greener,

    Your date sounds so lovely 🙂



  397.  #397Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Veronica 385,

    Thank you so much 🙂 I think what it was, was I had such a beautiful time with him, feeling open and vulnerable like a tender rose… and I felt so safe in his presence. These days I do – he looks after me. And just having this soft, sinking feeling where I didn’t worry about anything… this is how I want to feel.

    And the next day, at work, I was filled with fog in my head, and shaky, needy feelings. Luckily with how far I’ve come, these feelings do not derail me any more, yet it can be a little unsettling. I was grasping around wanting to reach out to someone for comfort, but was able eventually to just sit with myself. Calmly and breathe. It was like an unexpected fog after a day of clarity – the clarity being “aah, this feeling is what I was meant for.” Like those moments when you feel fully yourself.



  398.  #398Oshun on August 28, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Dominique 390

    Thank you. I tried not to make him feel wrong. I just wanted him to understand how I felt and that I needed some understanding. He never really broke everything down and we hadn’t talked so I didn’t know things were getting worse at work. A friend said he’s pretty much asking me to wait til he gets things handled and he understands if I can’t. Hmmmm… I will being dating others and have already got that ball rolling. Like I said in a previous post, I won’t say anything else. It’s been my experience that men respond better to action. I want to feel close to him. I still like him *shrug* but I’m not going to allow myself to worry anymore.

    I hope nothing I said made him feel wrong. I even ended to convo early and I could hear in his voice he wanted to talk more. I was pretty much like I’ve expressed what I needed to and you’re working so I’ll let you go.



  399.  #399Indigo on August 28, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Labbit 381,

    When nothing else works with my nasty voices, I thank them. Thank them for trying so hard to protect me. For that is what I believe they are doing. They are your defences. I thank them for trying to protect me, but I can take it from here.

    If that doesn’t work, I try slamming the door on them with a wave (that is fun 🙂 )



  400.  #400prplpsn28 on August 28, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I’m still in a huge funk. Ugh! Does it ever really get better?! 🙁



  401.  #401IamHis on August 28, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Coworker and I talked and I feel so good about it! He was so sweet. I don’t feel confused anymore and that feels amazing! I feel inspired to take yummy good care of myself…:)



  402.  #402IamHis on August 28, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Prplpsn – What are some things you are thankful for, that feel good, & that have nothing to do with a man? Allow yourself to fly to good feeling places and to focus on those good things…



  403.  #403Linda on August 28, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Prplpsn. YES It DOES get better.

    For me, I just got sick and tired of feeling bad and being in a funk . I decided that I wasn’t going to feed that funk anymore and it starved to death. I discovered first hand the truth of what we focus on (feed) grows.

    After I made the shift… I realized that I had been letting a man/relationship or lack of one define me and regulate my wellness. Ick !! I instantly re-framed it all… and the first thing I did was I took MY power back.
    My worth and wellness are defined much differently now.

    When you are ready, I would love to see you re-frame. How would that feel?

    ((xo))



  404.  #404April Rose on August 28, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    grass is greener,

    You made me giggle. I love the image of the little gremlins in the corner getting cookies tossed at them!!

    Ladies, let us together come up with a plan, or special ‘lady strategy’ for when each of us goes out on a significant date with a man we like. We need to have the following two days FILLED UP, and I mean BOOKED SOLID with fantastic treats for ourselves and fun things to do, and fulfilling projects, and things we need to write, or to read, or paint.
    Come to think of it – let’s live our every days like this!!!



  405.  #405prplpsn28 on August 28, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    Linda…thank you. I so wish I could re-frame. One day I think I’m doing good and the next I’m teary again. This is the longest relationship I’ve had since my divorce and we got along so well. I let my insecurities and nv’s get in the way. I made him feel unsafe. Ugh. Can I ask how you went about re-framing?



  406.  #406prplpsn28 on August 28, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    IamHis…thank you. I don’t seem to have the energy to do these feel good things. I feel spent not only emotionally but physically. The only thing that keeps me moving is my kids. Ugh. I want this funk to go away.



  407.  #407Labbit on August 28, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Azure, Grass is Greener, Dominique and Indigo — thank you all, truly. I feel secure knowing there is a safe space here to share whatever I’m feeling, and get supported along the way. 🙂 It means the world to me…I don’t know what I’d do if I had to stuff all these feelings inside!

    I feel calmer now. More serene. A week is nothing in the grand scheme of things. It just feels like forever while I’m in the middle of it!! Flowing with what is…embracing it…this is my me time, something I do cherish. Trying to relax and enjoy it…



  408.  #408teresa on August 28, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    Linda #378…Thanks!! I know as time will pass the tears will subside, the pain will float away and I will move forward.

    The hardest part is everyone telling me this is not who you are….why are you crying over this man. He gave you nothing but crumbs. He had no respect for you. He played the victim and you fed into it. I feel empty because I fed in to it and lost sight of who I am. I know that is part of my NV speaking. I want my NV to stop and give me peace for 5 minutes.

    Why is it that we are so consumed with anger, betrayal and tears when this happens? One minute I am fine and then the next minute I am in tears.

    Today for comfort I went back to several texts I received from his sister just to calm myself down and to stop my NV dead in it’s tracks.



  409.  #409RileyTheOwl on August 28, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Dear sirens,
    please, please help me right now. I feel so afraid.
    This morning I woke up at around 3:30am because I had a terrible dream. It has been so long since I’ve had a nightmare, I can’t even remember the last time I had one. When I woke up I lay there for a few moments, then I started to cry. I couldn’t stop… It was a really awful dream 🙁 if anybody is good at interpreting dreams, please PLEASE help me, because I feel so scared and confused, this dream struck my so deeply and I feel disturbed. Even if you can’t interpret dreams, please talk to me, I don’t feel like I can talk to any of my few friends about this. I need to talk to someone, and normally I’d talk to C… but I feel terrified of him ever since I had this dream.

    warning… this dream is really disturbing so please don’t read if you don’t feel like it. It took a lot of courage for me to re-type it.

    My Dream:
    my boyfriend, C, was in it, but it wasn’t quite him. He looked almost like himself, but he seemed darker, he never smiled, and was really threatening and scary. Some sort of monster version of himself. I feel shudders run through me just saying that. Anyways. Also, I could go more into detail about the exact situation that was happening in the dream, but I won’t unless it is needed for someone to more accurately interpret the dream. Here goes.
    We were on some sort of date, and he was going to pierce one of my ears with a needle (I have no idea why, my ears are already pierced). he was going to hold me down to do it, but then I didn’t want to so I ran away. When I opened a door, (it was a door to the bathroom in my house), He was behind the door and shot me with something that looked like a gun but made me feel sleepy and slow. Then he held me down to pierce my ear. it really, really hurt. and I asked him to stop, but he didn’t. I was crying and screaming, and then he became more monster like and was hurting me and kept piercing it over and over. He said I had to stop screaming and crying or he would hurt me more…and then he got fed up with my screaming and crying and he stabbed me in the stomach with the needle. That was the only time he smiled. He laughed, actually. I didn’t feel any pain in the dream, but the stab felt like suffocation, and then I woke up. Side note, for some reason I was dressed like Snow White. I don’t know if this is an important detail… but I know that the reason we were going on a date in the dream was because we needed to do something more romantic, “like in a Disney movie”.

    I cried for an hour, I couldn’t stop. all today my mind has gone back to this dream 🙁

    I feel desperate, please please help me, give me some advice, is it still safe to see C? I feel so afraid of seeing him again. I don’t feel any trust, it all just wooshed out of me all at once, along with my love and my feelings of safety and security with him. I haven’t seen him since this dream. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what on earth caused my mind to go here.
    Please help me, I have no one else to talk to.
    Love, Riley.



  410.  #410IamHis on August 28, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    ((((((Riley)))))) – I’m so sorry you had such an awful dream! Remember, though, it is just a dream. I don’t know the nature of your relationship, but I looked up ear piercing and stomach stabbing and it said something about insults for piercing, deception, spying, etc. So, has he insulted you? Have you insulted him? Has there been any spying going on? Also, stabbing in dreams can symbolize fear of losing a friendship. ((((((Riley))))) There’s another hug, I hope you feel better!



  411.  #411Linda on August 28, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Prplpsn Re-framing? First of all as I said. I stopped beating myself up. Honestly when I read your posts I seems that you have taken full responsibility for the demise of your relationship with H. You messed up ..you made him feel.. you pushed him away with your insecurities , your NV’s. etc. If you hadn’t done this or that or said this or that then….

    I would start right here. Reframe this and turn it around. There were two of you in the relationship right?? What dynamics did HE bring to into your life that triggered insecurity or NV’s. ? Why not give yourself a break here and place some responsibility on him.

    Reframing can start by putting you and how you felt when…. I can remember quite a few posts where you clearly felt unimportant and hurt by his behavior and attitudes and you often felt last and only offered crumbs and were done. (especially your most recent birthday) . My impression was that your relationship with H was oriented around him, his priorities and on his terms and as long as you went along with it you could be included. Forgive me if I am wrong.

    Reframe by focusing on you, what you want, how you want to feel and what you need. Picture what kind of relationship desire. Focus on thriving not settling for anything less. Invest in yourself Be loving to you. Just pick one thing that brings you joy or peace and do it and feel it.. let it sink into your bones and feel the energy of that. It might be something as simple as taking a bite of your favorite food and savoring it or sitting outside and feeling the sunshine on your skin or the embrace of one of your children.

    Most of all… don’t give your power away to H anymore. He should not get to define your wellness or your worth.

    XO



  412.  #412RileyTheOwl on August 28, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    IamHis-415, thank you for the hug, it feels soothing to have somebody to talk to. I feel not so alone, and appreciative of siren island.
    We generally have an incredibly healthy relationship, where the communication flows wonderfully…. But this isn’t consistent (obviously), and there are ins and outs. He has said before how he thinks we communicate so well and loves it, and I don’t remember any deceptions… Spying… Cheating… And any of that icky stuff. But, our relationship in the last few days has been kind of ebbing.

    In the last few days, he has been working a ton. He has been a little distant. Not as affectionate, hasn’t been initiating as much. I recently reread Dominiques post on her blog: changes in relationships. I feel it describes this flow of ins and outs quite well. I have just been giving him space and keeping myself quite busy, and have not been hurt or angered by his distance. Just tightening the rubber band a little bit 😉 and focusing on myself. In fact, I just received a text from him while writing this. Interesting. I don’t feel quite ready to talk to him, I still feel quite disturbed by my dream and am afraid :/



  413.  #413RileyTheOwl on August 28, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    Another fact about the dream that could or couldn’t be important: the door to my bathroom that he was lurking behind was definitely the bathroom of my old house, the one I moved out of two years ago. Ahh… Old fears maybe? 🙁



  414.  #414prplpsn28 on August 28, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Linda…thank you so much. You are not wrong. You are absolutely right. Re-framing myself starting now.



  415.  #415Dominique on August 28, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    RileyTheOwl – My first thought and instinct was to say old fears, as you just suggested in 419. Maybe this is so unusual for you to feel, having what you have with C that your primal, deeply scarred and scared self seeks to destroy (hurt) it before it destroys (hurts) you, maybe something you’re more familiar with.

    Even now as secure as I feel, as loved as I feel, as long as K and have been together, I can still have dreams now and then of him leaving me, abandoning me, turning his back on me, cheating on me. It’s totally my old stuff rearing its head now and then.

    Can you share any of this with C? It might help you feel better.

    xxoo



  416.  #416teresa on August 28, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Linda 417….You just hit the nail on the head for me!! My relationship with G was oriented around him, his priorities and on his terms and as long as I went along with it everything was perfect. The moment my eyebrows went up(so to speak)something was wrong. I texted to much…I had to much energy….I, I, I. If our relationship didn’t revolve around him and his schedule, his son, his life then he thru me crumbs. I have to admit and very ashamed of myself but G had every excuse in the book for NEVER coming to my home. I dated this man for 2 years and not once did he come to my home. If I didn’t go then we did not see each other. The sad part about all of this is he used his 15 year old son as his excuse. I don’t mean this in a bad way it was always a reason to back out of something. I met his son 3 times and spent probably a total of 1 hr with him. He always said he told his son that I did this for them and I did that for them….makes me wonder if he every did?



  417.  #417Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    Wow teresa after 2 years? Seems he never really incorporated you into his life. Even as a friend.



  418.  #418teresa on August 28, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Femininewomen…

    I am thinking more of a cleaning lady with a few perks! How sad that I let this happen to me….that I truly did not see what was happening before my eyes. DENIAL!!



  419.  #419Beloved on August 28, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    Ugh, I feel flushed, my heart feels pound-y, I feel shakey and trembly and charged up.
    I called the woman I was supposed to move in with this weekend to ask if I could bring some stuff a day early, and she told me she was in another city (an hour and a half away) and wouldn’t be back until Saturday (which I knew) BUT, she had the key she made for me with her, AND the spare she said she would leave (which makes no sense now, thinking about it, why would she take the spare to make a spare instead of using her regular key?)

    First she asked if I could postpone for a week, then started making excuses about how busy she is and had online courses and this, that the other OH and she also didn’t want me to start moving without her being there because she wanted to help (which she didn’t mention to me until..now?).

    After a long silence from me, she said, well, she would drive an hour and a half “as a FAVOR” to bring the key because to honor our agreement.

    I told her I appreciated that she would do that, only the fact that she sees doing what it takes to keep her word and our agreement as a “favor” tells me she feels like making up for her own mistake is somehow doing something ‘above and beyond’ as something personal for me, which doesn’t feel good.

    She then changed her tune to say..our agreement was ‘technically’ for the 1st (it wasn’t – she decided not to charge me extra for moving in before the 1st).

    Then she said she didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, which I do believe, that she just didn’t think it would be a big deal.

    THEN she started saying I am rigid and couldn’t I just bend a little bit, THEN she started comparing me to my ex (which was funny to me, because one thing I did respect immensely about T was he was very clear and unbending when it came to certain values).

    I told her it felt to me as if our views and ways of thinking were too different for me to feel like we’ll get along well and I don’t want to move in. What she calls “flowy”, I see as “flakey”. What I call “integrity”, she calls “rigidity”. I have worked very diligently to be dependable and want to surround myself with dependable people.

    I couldn’t move in thinking “oh, it will be okay” later, I know better. People are who they are and it would be asking for trouble to believe it would get better, and I want to give myself the best, most trouble-free experience while I’m in school as possible.

    The only people who have complained about me being “rigid” and “complicated” are people I know from a long time ago, from my stoner days.

    I really really like me. I like that my word is good. I like that people can rely and depend on me to be honest, do what I say I will do, and say no if I can’t or don’t want to. I like that I don’t pretend like I’m ok with something if I’m not.

    I did notice some minor light-red flags when I met with her. She mentioned she just wanted something to be simple, with trust, with no bothersome written agreements…ohh, everything in writing…(said with a dismissive wave and a frown). Which told me, misunderstanding had been an issue before.

    She also told me about how she had been planning a relationship with a married man with the same old sad story – wife is allegedly more like a roommate, sleeps with her back to him, doesn’t give him what he needs…wahhh. (I mentioned his wife might have a different story. She drinks quite a bit at home alone, her ‘healing’ massage room is dirty and cluttered, and her room and garage are full to the brim with stuff, boxes and boxes of stuff.

    None of which I think is “bad”, just together it feels like …how to say it…the residue or reminder of an old creation? Like another one of those “you SURE you are through with this pattern?” challenges from the universe.

    I don’t know what to make of it, because the idea to call her was literally the answer to my prayer, so maybe there was some other purpose to our meeting up. She is the second person who flaked out on me in the past few weeks where I had the opportunity to say, hey, I do expect people to follow through on plans they make with me and I am not okay with it if they don’t.

    I don’t know.
    FW, what do you think? You usually have clarity – am I making a massive mistake? I don’t feel like I’m being ‘rigid’. Rigid, to me, would feel like….demanding she be a certain way and making her wrong for not being that way, or feeling as if something was ‘wrong’ or taking it personally. Rigid might feel like…if she said, OMG, I was so distracted and totally spaced it, can you meet me half-way (or even drive here) to get the key?”, and I said no, the deal is off, that I would consider to be rigid. I did say no to driving out there for the key – and that was after the barrage of excuses. Was that being rigid?

    The truth is, I am pushing away old friends. They were friends I made when what we had in common was getting stoned together and feeling disconnected from “the system” or “the real world” and believing we had the life, the universe and everything figured out. I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t WANT to feel disconnected from reality the way I used to. I like being me, I’m not looking for ‘ego-death’ through psychedelics anymore. I’m not looking for “peak experiences” through tripping at shows anymore. I’m not looking to play games with men or my feelings anymore.
    I feel so clear and present, even with all of the pain I seems to feel constantly, I like it and feel cherishing of it and want to cultivate that.

    I do wonder – did I hit my upper limit?
    Yet, I didn’t feel bad or angry or pushing away in any way. I didn’t feel like making her bad or wrong, I feel like I recognized differences that would be a problem for ME (probably not her!) later.

    I don’t like that this has gotten so much of my attention while I was in the middle of working on a school assignment. Poop.



  420.  #420Beloved on August 28, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    To clarify – I left out an end parentheses.
    It should read:
    (I mentioned his wife might have a different story.)<–
    She (the friend I was planning on moving in with, NOT the married man's wife!) drinks quite a bit at home alone, her ‘healing’ massage room is dirty and cluttered, and her room and garage are full to the brim with stuff, boxes and boxes of stuff.



  421.  #421Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    teresa it is awe inspiring that you are so aware. It is not denial. We just weren’t taught how to do relationships so we modeled what we saw and did the best we could in the given moment. We women are great at giving and sharing ourselves with people we love. It comes naturally.

    We are here to learn. As we learn we unravel our patterns. no point in beating yourself down in the ground



  422.  #422Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Beloved you come across as more judgemental than making a big mistake. What I get from your comment is that you both are just different. Your energies seem to clanking against each other and unless there is a clear commitment on both parts to allow each others difference or celebrate the differences you might see them as wrong.

    The favor she offered I see as normal from any woman trying to keep the peace or not make waves. Maybe it was just the words she chose that rubbed you the wrong way. Maybe best if you don’t move in is what I got. Seems you are both focussed on criticizing each other and if that is how the energy is gonna flow between you then i sense trouble.



  423.  #423Linda on August 28, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Teresa… I send you another hug. Of course you have tears. You are human. Loss is loss, it brings feelings of grief.

    —–
    I am reminded of a news story that happened in my city years ago. There was a little toddler who was so sorely neglected and mistreated by her mother. It was the dead of winter and her mother abandoned her… she was found in a cold unheated abandoned house, covered in filth and near starvation. The doctors did everything they could to avoid it but her fingers and toes had to be amputated due to frost bite and her nose and lips were disfigured as well. The report said that when the toddler came out of anesthesia she was crying and calling for her mother. The very person that who’s neglect had caused all her suffering was the one person she was calling for. Why?? It is unimaginable but she did not know any different. She did know know what a good, caring nurturing mother’s care felt like.

    I found myself feeling sad wondering how many women do not know any different and how it would feel to be in a good, caring nurturing relationship and like the toddler did, cry and yearn after a man who did not have our best at heart or a relationship is no more because ______… (well,fill in the blank).

    These thoughts feel so serious and are sobering to me tonight. I feel such empathy. I feel able to indentify because I have been both that un nurturing mother and the toddler at times to myself. I not fully seen my worth or preciousness of my dreams or my feelings and the innocence of my heart. Like the toddler I have cried and ached for what and who wasn’t anymore but wasnt the best for me. Wow, what a self revelation.

    I send all that are sad and hurting… healing and peace



  424.  #424Beloved on August 28, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    Oh, you know what, I was being rigid, because she was going to be there in the afternoon, and it would have been inconvenient and I could have waited.

    I could possibly call her back and still work it out, but I really do not like the way I got a bunch of excuses and the way she started just making up stuff, like that I said I would be in and out all day (?? never said that, doesn’t even make sense, she lives an hour away), she said that I said I would be in the area, then making up the ‘technically the date we agreed on was the 1st’ – the 1st never came up. She asked when I wanted to move in, and I told her Saturday. She said that was close enough to the 1st that the monthly rate we agreed on would be fine.

    So yeah, I was being rigid – and I feel like maybe I want to call her and say that. At the same time, I don’t want to continue to engage with someone where the communication feels so difficult and shifty. Regardless of whether I was being rigid, I don’t want to be compared to my ex (who has been my ex for over SIX years now). I used to be like that, it feels sucky to be on the receiving end of it.

    I don’t know what to do.
    I feel like maybe it could be ok.
    Maybe I just panicked when my plans shifted, she felt bad about her part and it sort of spiraled from there.

    I feel softer.

    Dangit, my whole evening shot over all this processing.

    Alright, time to go sit quietly with myself and feel it through.



  425.  #425Liquid Light on August 28, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Beloved, for what its worth, that kind of a thing, being wishy washy and flakey especially about my home would really bother me. I wouldn’t be OK with someone being so cavalier about a move-in date, not leaving a key, etc. To me that feels disrespectful and inconsiderate. I think you are right to question whether or not you want to follow through on that living situation. Perhaps its a blessing in disguise. Just my 2 cents.



  426.  #426Femininewoman on August 28, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Beloved maybe there is something more going on with you? Maybe just feeling stressed about all the changes? Maybe you just like stability.



  427.  #427Linda on August 28, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    wow Teresa… I agree with FW ! @427

    Because my heart is not tangled up in memories I am feel happy and so encouraged for you to be away from this relationship . The things you wrote caused a feeling of offense in me on your behalf.



  428.  #428Linda on August 28, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    @420. prplpsn…you are welcome.

    If you start to loose touch with the energy to re-frame and de-funk…. you have left yourself a trail of breadcrumbs here on the blog. A sort of “retracing your feelings” journal if you will….

    I am rootin’ for you! 🙂



  429.  #429RileyTheOwl on August 28, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    Grass is Greener 416- thank you for responding… yes, fears, old fears. I need to address them and embrace my fears… love them… smother them with love… sigh…



  430.  #430RileyTheOwl on August 28, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    Dominique 421- At first I felt afraid of C because of this dream. Now I see… it’s not him, it’s me. It’s all within myself. These are MY FEARS coming up, maybe asking for some attention and some love. I’m relieved, although saddened too of course, to hear that you’ve experienced this too.
    I did some research on this just a few hours ago, and read that dreams about significant others harming ourselves are often symbolizing our own violence towards ourselves and the ways we treat ourselves, such as in if we’ve been beating ourselves up emotionally. And this is probably what’s happening in the dream if the significant other is acting extremely out of character… which C was doing. Sigh. Okay. It’s not him, I don’t need to be scared of him.

    I agree with you Dominique, and I want to talk to C about this too… I want to feel the warmth of his arms around me and to be soothed by him, even though I know he wouldn’t hurt me, it would help me feel better to talk to him and to hear this from him.
    But what do I say, where do I start? Do I just talk about me fears, or the dream too? Thank you.



  431.  #431Millie on August 28, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    Desiring the company of men tonight.



  432.  #432Indigo on August 29, 2014 at 3:51 am

    Teresa,

    I am very sorry if this sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it to be – but calling him all kinds of negative things, and feeling like you’ve dodged a bullet will not really help you feel better in the long run.

    Where the TRUE healing and learning lies, is in taking responsibility for your end of things – figuring out, why did you let it carry on for as long as it did? What was it that blinded you? How did you maybe contribute to the issues you had? Was there something about it that was actually working for you? How will you avoid that situation in the future?

    These are the questions I find empowering. As well as healing from pain and grief, I believe it is also very important to get clarity. I’m afraid it is all too easy to say that the man is dysfunctional – but he is reflecting parts of ourselves back to us that are looking for our attention. When I do that, that’s when I find healing happens amazingly and quickly. As long as I am running from myself, the pain persists.



  433.  #433April Rose on August 29, 2014 at 3:52 am

    Riley,

    We often meet our ‘stranger’ in dreams. (Have you come across that term? Rori talks a lot about it in Toxic Men, and has excercises on how to meet and love your stranger).
    It is a deep subconscious part of ourselves that we are afraid of and continue to misunderstand until we start moving towards embracing it.



  434.  #434Indigo on August 29, 2014 at 3:52 am

    (((hugs))) to you Teresa, and to you, Purple



  435.  #435teresa on August 29, 2014 at 4:32 am

    Indigo

    438….Your comment is not harsh! I agree that it takes two to make and break a relationship. I look at both side of what transpired in our relationship/friendship. I feel and often wonder if it was the idea of being alone. I love my me time but I become lonely and I feel I latched on to him for companionship.

    ((((((Indigo))))) thanks as it has me thinking differently



  436.  #436teresa on August 29, 2014 at 4:33 am

    ((((((((Sirens))))))

    To all of you!!!!



  437.  #437Glass on August 29, 2014 at 4:59 am

    I was recently contacted by an ex-boyfriend from years ago. The love of my life, but I was over him. Unfortunately, when we were together I literally saved his life. Then I felt him losing interest in me and I left him. He got into a relationship with someone else. He recently broke up with her and contacted me. With my new Rori Raye knowledge, I refused to go to his place or drive. We had a couple of nice dates. Then the next time he forgot to firm up our date till the day it was supposed to be. I guess I used a feeling message the wrong way saying “I don’t feel comfortable being forgotten, makes me feel icky”. The he sent me a long email about having too much on his plate to see me till the end of the summer. I guess I used another feeling message the wrong way “You have every right to neglect me and forget about me. Makes me feel worthless. I don’t like it” I haven’t heard from him since those two months ago. He had told me he was taking a trip with a female friend, and even gave me her name. I was so dumb I should have realized taking a trip with another female friend meant I shouldn’t count too much on his interest in me. Anyway, on his website where he sells his art, he has a photo of himself kissing that girl now. Since seeing this I feel awful inside. I try to get in touch with positive feelings and go out. But I’m not getting any dates. Only circular dating. My self esteem needs a huge boost



  438.  #438Dixie on August 29, 2014 at 5:00 am

    Sirens, Dominique

    I’ve been reading the posts and wanted to share something that happened recently- it just seems to fit the conversation about old fears, and taking responsibity. It might be helpful – I hope so.

    Part 1: A few weeks ago, if some of you remember, I was going to meet D, a man who I was in love with deeply, and with whom I felt the most loved and safe after a painful divorce years ago. Still, all spring, I was reeling from a sudden breakup with D. At the beginning of August, he called. We met, I thought I was feeling all lovely and sireny, but it was the most awkward and awful feeling – like meeting a stranger! Afterwards, he said he would be like to be here as a friend. At first, I said maybe, but only if we were open and honest, otherwise, what would be the point? That’s where I left off on these boards. I felt good and strong on the outside, but on the inside, not so much.

    Part 2: We emailed briefly, and after reading something that Rori wrote, I finally let my heart burst open. I told him that this felt ridiculous, so formal, and that I still loved him, but no, I did not want him in my life as a friend. I said that I had enough male friends, and that I only was interested in him a romantic partner but since that seemed to no longer on the table, it would feel better to just lay this to rest. I didn’t want anything that felt less that what we had.

    Part 3. He called the next day, on his way to the airport. He said he missed me a lot and that he would call when he got back.

    Part 4. (We are nearing the Big Finish!) He got back, called when I was having a particularly crappy frustrating moment. He soothed me, I felt better but later when I thanked him, he felt formal again, as in “Glad I could be there, I know you’re able to keep on top of things.” My reaction: ?

    Part 5. Last Saturday, my heart went through this cleaning up work. During the day, I saw patterns in my previous 2 relationships and it suddenly became a bit clearer that in all instances, I was so hesitant when I knew the other was cheating (not D.)- I was so afraid to leave a bad situation because I wasn’t sure I would be loved again. There was a deep core of feeling insecure and awkward, like my little-girl self. Scared.

    I shared this with my mom, who sent a lovely email saying “No more sadness and heartache for my girl.”
    She said what I knew, that D was just trying to be the nice guy by being friends but for whatever reason, he didn’t want things to proceed. She was so kind and gentle in her words that my heart began to breathe calmly.

    Revelation: That night I read an article that spoke about authentic love and forgiveness. The article spoke about how when we carry pain with us, especially from previous relationships, we walk in this web of fear. It spoke about what Rori’s mentioned – not making any external person or thing the source of our happiness, but truly loving and accepting our most innocent selves. Ladies, maybe it was the moon or the stars, but it was a profound moment for me, realizing that I had entered so many relationships for validation.

    I was clear awake at 2 am, I sent D a quick but sincere email starting with, “I take responsibility for my part.” I just basically apologized for putting so much on him, acknowledging that my fears from the past put so much pressure on us, and that I was sorry. I said wasn’t looking to open a dialogue, but just to say sorry, that I loved him, but I just realized how much I was carrying into the relationship.

    He called minutes later, asked me why I was awake. Ladies, I felt calmer and more at peace than I have in the past 6 months. When he said that I was too hard on myself, I said that no, I wasn’t angry or mad at myself of even him. It had just felt unfair to expect him to open up when I too was holding back so much, and I just needed to release all this. And then, he called me Sweetness after 6 months and was so loving in his tone. I said I was feeling sleepy and was going back to bed, and he said “Goodnight Sweetness, sweet dreams”, like he used to. My heart just smiled.

    The best part? I have not felt triggered in one week to check social media, to think about what he’s doing, etc. . In fact, it feels like maybe that was all I needed – just to let my wall down, and then his came down as well.

    As a result of this total release, I have felt my creative best this week – boy energy totally!- but when it comes to the experience with D., my heart is so soft and open again, and just breathing calmly again.

    I don’t know if I’m expressing this clearly, but the shift in forgiving myself and accepting this experience wholly, and being grateful, has had a such a profound effect in just one week. For the first time, I am feeling so grateful for everything, for him, for the realization that I was holding back a piece of myself in all my important relationships because of fear.

    The release has been a watershed moment.



  439.  #439Beloved on August 29, 2014 at 5:44 am

    Dixie – I feel relaxed and soft reading your post. Thank you for sharing.

    Liquid Light and Feminine Woman – it feels good to receive your attention and perspectives, thank you.

    I didn’t feel critical or criticized, she genuinely loves and respects me ex so, while I didn’t LIKE the comparison, I don’t get that it was meant to be mean. I didn’t feel criticized about being called rigid, either, and she actually was right about that so it feels good to acknowledge that. And I didn’t call her flakey! That thought came later as I was posting I wasn’t consciously thinking that in the moment. I told her I respected her need to be more ‘go with the flow’, and that it just doesn’t work for me.

    I didn’t even feel she was wrong, people forget and make mistakes and we are not perfect, I get that.

    What I feel bothered by, though, is feeling made wrong for expecting her to do what she said.
    I believe, it’s something coming up as I raise my standards for myself and my overall level of difficulty.

    I dreamed recently, that I was talking with a young man, and told him, “The biggest reason I have been unable to trust you, is that you don’t do what you say you will do. Love can’t grow where there is no trust.”

    It does feel like dealing with my former self. I was totally like that – I didn’t want to bother with messy, complicated, explicit agreements, I didn’t want to be arsed to actually do what I said I would or cause any inconvenience to myself and go out of my way or expend an ounce of extra effort to keep my word or come through for myself or anyone. I couldn’t STAND the idea that anything I did impacted anyone in any way, I couldn’t stand to take responsibility or feel the feelings that would come up, knowing I had caused someone pain or any kind of trouble.
    I would shift to blame and makewrong if someone called me out on my shady behavior. So, I don’t feel she is “wrong”, it feels more like a shadow of my past that I feel through with and a big “don’t want”.

    FW – yes, I DO like stability! I get that life is ever-shifting, and I like that, too.

    It’s possible that after a night’s sleep and some cooling off, we might work this out later.
    I am thinking of Gay Hendricks and “unconscious commitments’ and wondering what there is to learn.

    I am also feeling way up in my head about it, and needing to sink back into my feelings and get up and shake for a while and let the energy handle it.



  440.  #440Femininewoman on August 29, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Just one more comment if you would allow me Beloved

    “The biggest reason I have been unable to trust you, is that you don’t do what you say you will do. Love can’t grow where there is no trust.”

    I have learned from Susie and Otto collins about magic relationship words. I have also learned never to tell someone that I don’t trust them. I have seen “I don’t trust you” in action destroy a decades long relationship.

    I now use “I would like to trust you”. “I want to trust you” “Because this relationship is important to mean I want to/choose to trust. I know you don’t mean to disappoint me.”



  441.  #441Lucy on August 29, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Ladies,

    Feeling very good about a conversation I just had with boyman CD.

    He already said that he wanted to walk with me in the morning, and I’m assuming he remembers this.

    Him: I want to come over to your house and show you how to lift weights [=have sex w you]
    Me: I don’t feel comfortable on that.
    Him: Why?
    Me: No reason. I just feel to go for a walk with you.
    Him: I feel like having you in my bed.
    Me: lol 🙂

    I was feeling pressured, but now feel liberated!

    Techieman CD is playing games w me on getting together for the coffee date. I am totally leaning back on that one until he sets a time and date.

    Feel great!

    Lucy



  442.  #442Lucy on August 29, 2014 at 6:48 am

    The main lesson I feel the Universe is teaching me right now is:

    “You can wait. You have all the time in the world. There is no rush, no urgency. Just enjoy the attention you are getting from these men because you are beautiful and you deserve it.”

    Lucy



  443.  #443Lucy on August 29, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Feminine Woman,

    #445

    Thank you so much for these powerful words! Trust is so very important to TechCD — he said so himself.

    Lucy



  444.  #444Lucy on August 29, 2014 at 7:04 am

    To that end (learning how to trust, then give that trust to the right man)…

    I want to trust myself.

    I want to trust the Universe.

    I want to trust that healing will be easy.

    I’m sure it will.

    Lucy