And What’s So Great About “Independence”?

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For us in the U.S., the 4th of July is about our independence from England…But more than that, it’s about the creation of our own country.

If there could be a metaphor about love here filled with the kind of love advice that talks about being independent and inter-dependent in a romantic relationship…would that look like cannons, and battle, and sparklers and conflict?

Or would that look more like the coming together of battle leaders and statesmen to negotiate an experiment in how to run a country without a king or queen. How each person (theoretically) could have a bit of power to make the big decisions and somehow be represented.

Or maybe it’s everything: Conflict, passion, attack, surrender, leaders and followers, negotiating, statesmanship, creating union, creating freedom, creating a new model for life, making decisions. Standing on your own two feet. Believing in yourself. Believing in each other. Plus romance, sex, laughing, sitting around…

So, let’s just call this independence from tyranny, and at the same time, creation of a harmonious new union where it’s as much of a win-win for everyone as possible.

In relationship, we want to be independent of judgment and control and all the pain and misunderstanding that’s accumulated in our lives.

And we want to create a union where there’s a clear responsibility on everyone’s part, and a clear sense of the need for respect, and a clear sense of the need for everyone to be heard. A clear sense of compassion. A clear sense of “team.”

Think of YOURSELF as Independent – And Your Own Independence – This Way:

Independent from judgment and control and tyranny and old pain. Free from all that.

Free to create harmony and union between all the voices and impulses and needs inside you.

The agreement to respect, hear, have compassion for every part of you.

A sense of “team” – that everything about you – your past, present, future, thoughts, imagination, nasty voices, yearnings – all of it – are on the same team.

The team called YOU.

And that when a man joins you in a life union – you will both bring your teams to the union, and expand to create a new team between you – with all the parts of each of you under the same umbrella.

Just because you are still YOU, with your team intact, under the umbrella and embracing arms of this new, bigger team…you are still capable of leaving the umbrella of the new team with your own team intact.

That’s all there really is to independence – you’ll be okay without him.

But it doesn’t mean you hold your team as “separate” from his.

It’s as though lovers and children and judges and all the parts of each of you get intermingled. Maybe they don’t all put on the same uniforms, or maybe your team has special badges, but you don’t hold back while you’re playing and working and loving together.

And together – you help each other stay unified – you help each other keep the team together no matter what. And, especially, you hear all the voices there are.

And you let none of them run you.

Independence is, at core, your personal freedom from the tyranny of being at the mercy of anyone else. From, what Blanche DuBois says in Streetcar Named Desire” – “…the kindness of strangers…” because you have no other options.

But even more – in some circumstances where you are in need of the kindness of strangers – you still are in sole possession of your heart an soul.

Love is complicated, because we’ve, each of us, learned it means different things.

Love, Rori

23 Comments

  1.  #1Sirenity on July 5, 2016 at 4:24 am

    Happy Independence Day to US Sirens. My son arrived in your country just in time to enjoy this celebration. Thank you Rori ..this post speaks to me about something I am juggling in relationship at the moment.



  2.  #2MissStix on July 5, 2016 at 5:25 am

    Thanks for this reminder. This is a good one. It brings more depth to my ideas of relationship. It expands my idea of independence and teamwork within my relationship.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on July 5, 2016 at 7:54 am

    Thanks for the reminder



  4.  #4Grace on July 5, 2016 at 11:07 am

    Just realizing how hard I got played with Lanky…
    alternately feeling PIST and laughing about it.
    Thank goodness for all of Rori’s tools and all of the good coaching and advice I’ve gotten over time, so I could disentangle myself with minimal damage. So I could lean back more than ever before, really feel how I was feeling more than ever before, and really hear the alarm bells ringing the instant I went into ‘convincing’ mode, realizing that was a code red and not just normal.

    Happythankyoumoreplease 🙂



  5.  #5MissStix on July 5, 2016 at 11:40 am

    Setting an intention to practice verbalizing my desires during sex even more. I feel excited to do this 🙂



  6.  #6Lovergirl on July 5, 2016 at 9:46 pm

    I feel turned off by relationships. I feel afraid to ever let a man close to me again. I feel like I gave my all to S and don’t have any more to give. I still feel pain and heartbreak over him and try to push it all away.. I feel like all I can handle from men right now is occasional casual sex.

    On the work front, my boss quit his job. I’m scared and nervous and anxious, because I know I am the logical choice to take his place. I don’t know what this will mean for sure, or how it will affect the promotion I was offered before. The big boss that will be the decision maker is on vacation.

    I’m left kind of cleaning up the mess in his wake and I’m afraid of it all being too much for me to handle. He quit because of medical reasons but he also cited too much stress. He thinks I would be better at it than him but I don’t know, what if I can’t handle the stress either?

    I’m afraid of how it will change my relationship with all my co-workers, many of whom I consider friends, if I become their boss. I’m afraid some of the older men that I would be working over, would not react well to a female, especially one younger than they are, being in charge. So many things to worry about.

    I’m very much a peace maker and like to make people happy, what if I don’t have it in me to do all this? On the other hand, I am doing okay and have gotten some compliments on how I am handling things right now from the corporate office. Its just so much so soon.

    I feel a little bit abandoned right now, lol. :/ I actually really liked my boss, sad to see him go.



  7.  #7Victoria on July 5, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    Lovergirl,
    I understand your worries about whether you are qualified for the job, how would your co-workers respond etc. I also find myself sometimes doubting my capabilities, and I get anxious. What I have noticed as helpinng in such circumstances is to think whether someone else from the team (or any real person I know) can do a better job than me. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is gifted with full competence and managerial skills, so the question becomes not whether you are suited or not, but whether you are better suited than all other options. Usually, this turns up to be my case, and then, the way I look at it is, I will do my best, give my best effort, and see what happens. When I know I am doing my best, and I am being my best self for my work, things just perfectly work out.



  8.  #8Femininewoman on July 6, 2016 at 5:57 am

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
    Marianne Williamson



  9.  #9Lovergirl on July 6, 2016 at 7:33 am

    Thanks Victoria and Femininewoman. I know right now I am the best choice for this job because my boss has been training me in the hopes that I would be his assistant, so I know more than anyone else what to do. The promotion I was offered, would have made us partners. Now that he is gone, I would be responsible for even more, at least for now. So it is nerve wracking to me but anyone else would have to start from scratch and I at least mostly know his job.

    I never really dreamed of myself being anyone’s boss or being a leader. Yet, here I am and I need to keep everything together. I suppose everything happens for a reason and this is a lesson for me.



  10.  #10Grace on July 6, 2016 at 8:26 am

    Lovergirl – Wow! I feel thrilled for you! I feel so excited to hear more about how this unfolds and how you blossom and grow from here. 🙂

    Starla – Again, WOW! I feel happy and thrilled for you, too! Congratulations!



  11.  #11MissStix on July 6, 2016 at 9:31 am

    Lovergirl

    How you feel is totally understandable yet I feel happy for you and i’ll bet you’ll be a boss like a boss 😀



  12.  #12Grace on July 7, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    How do I handle it if I don’t want to go where the guy wants to take me?
    After the rash of men who wanted to take me to Denny’s I swore I wouldn’t agree to a sh!tty 1st date again. I have a Tinder guy who wants to take me to some discount buffet place, and I don’t want to go there, so I haven’t yet agreed to it or responded to him. I feel like I lost interest now…how to disengage on a light note?



  13.  #13MissStix on July 7, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    Grace

    “Hey, I love that you’ve made these plans for us yet I feel turned off by such and such place. Any other Ideas?”

    Or something to that effect.



  14.  #14MissStix on July 7, 2016 at 3:34 pm

    If you’re already feeling disengaged it’s a good opportunity to practice communicating and see what happens.



  15.  #15Indigo on July 7, 2016 at 10:49 pm

    Grace,

    I find frank, straightforward, low intensity communication in the early stages of dating is best.

    “I would love to go out with you, but I really don’t like such and such a place. Do you think you could pick somewhere else?”

    Or even, if you like, “I prefer italian/chinese/small cosy restaurants.”



  16.  #16Grace on July 8, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Miss Stix and Indigo – thank you for your suggestions!
    I realized I am skipping steps – I put up a better profile than I ever have and got a HUGE response and got carried away. I need to slow down, breathe, be mindful – and remember the process! Phone calls before agreeing to dates for me…
    I know, I know that seems like a given, right?
    I forgot myself for a minute. Back on track again…!

    Oh, and by the way, DJCD continues to be a steady, calm presence in my life. The thing that excludes him from being a long-term prospect is that he is poly, and I don’t feel interested in polyamory. What has felt good and healing, though, is that he is stronger and has more integrity than the poly men I’ve known in the past. I went to an event with a date, where he and his primary were, and unexpectedly a couple of other women he has seen casually showed up, and we were all there just doing our own thing, the vibe was calm and relaxed and secure with all of us and I appreciated how good it felt.



  17.  #17MissStix on July 8, 2016 at 9:35 am

    I feel so good today 🙂 I feel so good that I look different lol my work partner said “you look different, are you wearing make-up?”
    I told her I wear make-up every day, I just feel happy today. She said “I feel happy too! Why don’t I look that good?” Haha
    I don’t know why to be honest…I felt something click halfway through walking to work…It felt like a switch flipping and suddenly my energy cleared up and I felt FULLY like myself again and that made me so happy 🙂 hoorah!



  18.  #18MissStix on July 8, 2016 at 9:37 am

    I used 3 mantras last night…I am softness. I am release. I am peace.



  19.  #19LilMiss on July 9, 2016 at 9:52 am

    I’m new here, and I’m feeling a lil scared to even speak up… but here goes.

    I’m married. Fourteen years and have raised four kids together: two his, two mine. For the last two years, he has been disengaged from our sexual relationship. It’s nonexistent. I’ve tried everything that everyone else tries, and he’s just not interested. ED is a factor, but we have those meds. It comes down to fears of inadequacy and honestly, I feel, disinterest. I’ve shared my feelings of rejection and being undesirable. His response is that it’s him, not me. He still tells me he loves me and wants our marriage to work, but he does not endeavor to improve the sexual relationship. He’s affectionate, he’s loving, and he’s present. What do I do?



  20.  #20Millie on July 9, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    Feeling better and better about myself these days!! I keep thinking that the better I feel and the better beliefs I have and the more awareness I have about ME will create change in “my world”, but I’m not really seeing much change, at least not right now. I’m talking to a bunch of guys through dating apps, but most seem lackluster. I am trying bumble, which I have mixed feelings about since ladies must message first after there is a mutual “like.” It feels counterintuitive and most of the men do not respond even though they already “liked” me. I don’t know, I guess trust that all of this is for a reason and this is how it is supposed to be for me right now at this point in time.



  21.  #21Grace on July 10, 2016 at 10:57 am

    Okay – so I told these men that I’d feel better with a phone call first and they’ve been happy to accommodate. Just got off 1st phone call – ok it was about 45 minutes. That seems like WAY too long, how do I keep these conversations shorter?



  22.  #22Rori Raye on July 29, 2016 at 6:12 pm

    LilMiss – So sorry for what you’re experiencing – and at this point in time – you are SO not alone…this is epidemic. A man who’d rather starve his wife and himself from sex rather than solve the situation. I like these people very much – totally graphic, not for the gentle, sex education: PersonalLifeMedia.com Susan Bratton is someone I know personally…and there’s so much info in the newsletters alone…

    Then – there’s Tantra. This is something you can find in a class or a practitioner near you – and simply ask your husband to go. If he is not interested…go yourself.

    You’re going to have to wake up your own sense of romance and sexuality and sensuality to lift up this situation. You can do this through self-pleasuring, through Circular Dating, and, perhaps, something like onetaste.us (shocking, yet it’s everywhere, and I know several women who are experiencing great personal transformation with it…)…last choice is finding a lover for yourself, and keeping your husband as your husband.

    Under no circumstances do I feel a woman should go without sex.

    Love, Rori



  23.  #23Femininewoman on July 30, 2016 at 5:09 am

    Wow LilMiss I feel for you.

    Rori some of this info is news to me. I am gonna check them out