Anger Is An Investment In Him

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10-6 love yourselfThe Question:

Carol says, “I would like you to review ways of telling a perfectly nice man you’re not attracted to him and won’t go out with him again.”

My Answer:

The simple answer to this question is: “I’m not available.” If he asks further, and you like him as a person, it’s “I felt really happy to know you and spend time with you, you’re a great guy, and it just doesn’t feel like a match to me…”

That’s it – you move on, keep Circular Dating, keep the attitude (and this is the truth) that if a match with a man isn’t right for you, it can’t be right for him either.

And yet – there’s a deeper issue here that I want to use this simple question and answer to jump off of:

I want to really be clear about this: If you can’t kiss a guy after two or three dates – I mean just kiss him and give him a chance – then you’ve got to let him go.

AND – I want you to take a look at who you’re choosing. Please look closer at the men you want to kiss – because there’s a huge chance you’re just used to choosing wrong.

Your inner “boy” is somehow “doing the looking” at a man – looking at him basically on paper, in your mind and your instinctive, habit-formed reactions – and saying, “He looks good.”

He looks good physically. He looks good financially. He looks like he’s got a good history.

Perhaps you’ve “got a lot in common” (again, that’s on paper and in the mind) – and so your inner boy is making that “yes” choice for you.

The thing is – that choice can’t be made by your inner boy.

That choice has to be made by your inner GIRL.

That choice has to be made from intuition, mixed with a huge awareness of what your real, core needs are in a love relationship, a huge sensitivity to your feelings about YOURSELF when you’re with a man, and a casual disregard for what you may have always thought of as “chemistry.”

It has to be made from how it feels to be with this man, how relaxed and self-loving you feel with him.

AND – your inner boy cannot allow you to get emotionally, physically and logistically invested to the point where you start to feel urgent.

The moment you feel urgent about a man, something is wrong.  and if you’re emotionally, physically and logistically invested in him, along with the urgency comes anger.

The anger begins to feel like an attack, because the immediate fallout from a sense of urgency is the intense feeling that we’re being attacked.

Sometimes attacked from the outside – by others, by situations, by circumstance, by the world, by the Universe – and most often from the inside of us. We feel attacked by ourselves, which then makes us feel under attack from the outside.

Attack can look like: “I want to attack him for why he’s being a jerk,” or “I’m afraid he’s going to attack me by dumping me.”

If you’re feeling any of this, what’s going to happen is: your anger, resentment, frustration and disappointment are going to get bigger and bigger. And then you won’t know how to let it out towards him. It’s going to be too late.

The anger, resentment and disappointment you feel is in direct proportion to the energy and effort you’re putting out to the relationship.

In other words, you’re going to be angry with him if he doesn’t step up, because you’re doing stuff to try and make him step up or to keep the relationship going.

If you weren’t doing anything for him or towards him, if you were just watching him, leaning back, flirting with other guys, going dancing, hanging with other men who wanted you – you wouldn’t be anywhere near as angry.

When you wait for a man because you’re invested, you’re going to become angry.

Once we start to feel the anger, what follows is our sense of attack – and that’s when  communication with him breaks down. That’s when we push him away. That’s when we break things.

So it all starts with a sense of urgency, the sense of attack, the sense of working too hard.

So – the deeper, more complex answer to “How do I say goodbye to a man I’m not attracted to” is: Before you say goodbye, before you simply follow your attractions down the same roads you’ve always gone down, use this moment to ask yourself what you really want.

Ask yourself if you’re pushing what you want away. Perhaps this “nice man” was just an “attempt.” A “try” at going for a “nice man.”

Those of us who’ve tried that have often got a man who has OTHER reasons that would have sent the red flags flying. Just being “nice” isn’t the answer, here.

You may be “not attracted” for reasons OTHER than physical – or “too nice.”

Partnership takes a set of skills. It takes, more than anything, the desire to WANT to be a partner – forever.

And the ability to hear the other person even when emotions are flying and everyone wants to run or attack.

Start with that when you’re looking for requirements in men and dealbreakers.

See if you can discover inside you an attraction to “partnership” – not to the qualities of any one man. Nice, handsome, well-off, poor, unpleasant, overweight, quiet, interesting – those are just labels.

Forget them, and look for partnership – and what that feels like.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Mandy on August 28, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    “The anger, resentment and disappointment you feel is in direct proportion to the energy and effort you’re putting out to the relationship.”

    So, so so SO important for me to remember. I feel my anger and know very well how much I deal with. If I feel like blowing stuff up figuratively, well, that must mean I am working way too hard.

    Sometimes I slip into my old ways of working too hard.

    I think Valentine got afraid when I told him how he makes me feel good, that I was asking him for a relationship. BOY that was an awkward moment, but I told him, “Oh no I’m not asking for you to….I’m just saying….I get a sweet feeling when I see and hear from you.” He told me that he loves how “I’m so glad you are not pushy or anything. I really like that about you.”

    I still feel I’m laser focusing. Let’s see…what to do…erm, Hrrrrmmmm….

  2.  #2Leela on August 29, 2015 at 5:37 am

    I figured out that I was choosing men just like I was choosing food- Something that looks tasty, and tastes good at the moment, without realizing it’s doing me no good in long term. Hot, sexy, popular men are like fancy cakes… the instant intense chemistry, that ooh yeah feeling is totally useless, it only creates trouble!

    So now I’m thinking about my nutrition and health, I’m now choosing foods that I might not feel over the moon about how they taste, but are making me feel good long term, that make my skin and hair glow, make my eyes sparkle, are making my tissues heal….

    and from now on I will be choosing men that have similar effects on my body, heart and emotions! They are the real deal!

  3.  #3Leela on August 29, 2015 at 5:43 am

    Sirens, what kind of men are you attracted to?

    I was watching music videos with a girlfriend today. There was a band of 3 guys singing. One of them was someone nearly any girl would go crazy for. My friend told me, look at him just look at him!!!!!, while literally melting. He had model looks, the sexiest voice and his confidence was shining through.

    Then I thought to myself… Yeah, he’s hot, but his confidence feels superficial, it’s purely based on his looks and the number of women chasing after him. Would I be able to be myself and feel relaxed if I dated someone like him? And I have dated guys like that before and the answer is…nah…

    Then I noticed another member of the band. He had dark hair, medium big nose, thick eyebrows, huge eyes behind those glasses, and kissable lips. He was a nice looking geek… his energy felt different. He felt romantic, a little shy but someone who’s ready to be a true hero for his one and only. And I told my friend, but I like him, and pointed at the nerd. She was like, ARE YOU FOR REAL????!!

    I thought, yeah, here’s how we women get ourselves in trouble when dating, when we choose the hottest guy who creates this strong chemical reaction in our bodies, without asking our hearts if this man can make us truly happy outside the bedroom.

    I started noticing the geeky type of men today, not talking about the ones that have long greasy hair and smell like they haven’t showered for weeks, but the ones that are well groomed, yet…nerdy and nice. They look so easy to be with… The thought that they don’t care to have the highest score of how many women they’ve slept with, but instead have something that they’re really passionate and curious about turns me on big time! I have one ex that falls under this category, and he’s the best one I had so far. Never realized why until today though….

  4.  #4Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 5:52 am

    Me too Leela. I am trying to choose food that nourishes me.

  5.  #5linda on August 29, 2015 at 6:23 am

    This post has so much in it that I can track with. There is some really great what (what I would call) black and white instruction here. Lots of times I truly need this. Black and white instructions to read and follow. “if this then do that” These feel very helpful to me. Some areas in my life have to be what I would call “cut and dried” and decisive. Knowing and feeling the differences between the two energies in me feels amazing and for this I am thankful. Sitting here typing this I definately see that I do make a lot of my decisions from the boy energy side in me. There are others I make that are completely girl energy based… There are others decisions I make while the two energies are working in together in harmony. This is where I want shift my life to.

    The type of house I bought when I divorced was all boy energy driven. At that time I had no idea about the boy -girl energy then. While where I live is a solid place and a good decision… there are thing that I really long for that where I live does not satisfy. I understand now why. It is because the girl energy side of me was NOT consulted and if I had then I would have made a different decision. From here on out… I will .

    I have a NEW place to go inside myself to go before I make any moves and I feel like this will create space for me to be much happier and at peace with. From men I kiss, to cars I own, to what I wear and eat. Giving all parts of me a voice and blending them with equal importance feels solid and warm. This is a piece of clarity I really needed. Thanks for this post Rori!!!

  6.  #6linda on August 29, 2015 at 6:34 am

    I like the words you used FW…. “Nourishes me” !!

    It is going to be the title of this new space and mindset I feel is opening up in me.

    My actions , my decisions …all of them, even my thought life. I want them to Nourish ME. I am going to start asking myself about everything. This feels empowring

  7.  #7Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 7:19 am

    Im angry, resentful, disappointed and hurt because I put way too much energy into the relationship with S. I wanted it to work out sooo badly. 🙁 Im so crushed that it didnt. I had expectations even afterwards of him contacting me on my birthday. After all, he does it for his ex girlfriends. Apparently even over a year with me didnt mean that much. Especially with him having contacted me nicely earlier in the week to see how I am doing. I just feel so terrible, confused and my stomach is in knots. Im so hurt that someone I gave so much love to could disregard me so easily. It feels awful.

    To top it off, the office where I work is moving across town- to right down the street from S’s apartment!! Of all places!! Every time I go there I will be driving past memories of all the places we would go together. Not to mention the chances of running into him (and possibly him with some other woman) go way up. So painful. I think the new office is right next to the bank he goes to all the time.

  8.  #8linda on August 29, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Thank you for the support and that were offered on the last thread.

    I have not been avoiding feeling my anger it is just I am was angry it was there. It might sound crazy but these are the best words I can come up with to describe it.

    Dominique I read all three of the your articles you linked. Thank you. Two of the many things you shared in them really spoke to me. I have been feeling so discouraged and resentful and ultimately angry that I belief that ” I had to be ALL healed” before the things I so desire be reality for me. I was feeling pretty worn down and quite frankly resentful at the thought of that. When I peeled back that layer it revealed all kinds of limiting self beliefs. I am examining them as they pop up instead of allowing them to influence and direct me like I was. I let it all heap a whole lot of pressure on myself to ” finally get it right” and ” be perfect” at it. Ideas like this can grow into rooms with bars over the windows where you can only look and see others having what you desire never getting to do it yourself.

    I have as you say created some room around myself now and am going to see what happens now.

  9.  #9Indigo on August 29, 2015 at 7:47 am


    “Im so hurt that someone I gave so much love to could disregard me so easily. It feels awful.”

    Instead of thinking that he disregarded you, how about the thought that love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed? So, the more true your love for him was, the more the things which were inside himself which were unloving and dark came up to the surface… This may have sent him running out of fear, or it may have prompted him to take time to go inside himself for reflection. And likely he isn’t even aware of any of this. It is easy to hide your true self and put on a facade in a superficial relationship – people can make all kinds of promises and say all kinds of sweet words and blow smoke in someone’s face when there is nothing at stake.

    Please try to take comfort in that. The deeper path is not without some pain.


  10.  #10Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Lovergirl the thing is who are you angry with? Your words mostly read outward focused as opposed to inward focused, to me.

    You don’t know that his whole day wasn’t spoiled yesterday because he might have been dealing with his own fears and demons. You don’t know that he was not thinking of you and stopped himself from calling you. You just don’t know.

    To me all of these knots are calling to you to look inwardly and ask yourself the tough questions. Why were you giving so much? Why weren’t you investing all this energy on yourself? Why were you abandoning yourself? Can you find it inside yourself to forgive yourself for this and look for a way to soothe yourself?

    This is not about him at all. This is about how you see your life. How seriously you take yourself, your passions, the things you want to enjoy, how much you want to give to yourself and cherish your own feelings.

  11.  #11linda on August 29, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Lovergirl. I would have knots in my stomach too. I am sure all of this feels daunting but things may not actually go as your thoughts have led you to believe at all. I know from personal experience that I can be my own worst enemy and paint such awful pictures for myself in my thoughts.

    I certainly have invested and placed hopes in people, relationships that were only in my life to teach me things. I would have to say that the act of actually investing was not so wrong.. but it was the expecting the return from it that was. It is hard to let go of something we want so much from someone that is not interested in giving it to us. Yet when we open our hand and let it go, it puts into a receiving mode if we let it. There is a very different energy that filters in then.

    You said you felt really down and unimportant on your birthday. That feels so sad to read. (huggs to you) and here is to expectations of good thing on your behalf.

  12.  #12Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 8:25 am

    Lovergirl I also encourage you to read back your words. Really you can’t “give” love to anyone unless you are not expecting anything in return. You can really only “share” it, which includes a mutual agreement where the two people can change their mind if they so choose to. A gift is a gift. If you are expecting something in return it is an exchange not a gift and there are times I receive gifts that I don’t want to accept. Mainly because I don’t like the feeling of obligation to give something back. How can you give someone anything without them having the option of saying no anyway? Unless it is a helpless baby and then again even babies at times reject milk.

  13.  #13Leela on August 29, 2015 at 8:26 am

    Lovegirl, probably there’s nothing much I can say to make you feel better. But I’ve been there and I think pretty much all of us here have. I know how it hurts. You somehow believe that this one man has more value than you, maybe that even his exes have more value than you, just because he did something for all of them. In my eyes, however, he is a complete ZERO, a womanizer who’s not worth any attention. Doing something for all of his exes on their birthdays… WEIRDO that’s the least I can say… I’m saying this today, however, only 5 months ago I was exactly in your shoes. And I’ve been there for many, many times in my life.
    And I don’t think it’s a bad experience, it really helped me to grow.
    It might take years of experience to take your power back. But it shouldn’t!!
    For me it took around 10 years of dating and a few “relationships”. Modern Siren+ Targeting Mr Right+Some great books+ really sinking into me, asking my self questions, becoming my best friend totally changed me, my perceptions and beliefs in less than a week!!!
    I’ve had these Rori’s programmes for around 4 years now, watched them for at least 3 times before but I never really “Got” what she was talking about. Maybe I was too young to understand or maybe I simply didn’t have the right mindset. I always wanted a quick fix. Didn’t want to work on myself much. AND most importantly even though I did some of the tools, I was always focused on how it will affect the man in my life, whoever it was, rather than myself, and this is what Rori is all about.

    In the past, no matter how cool I was during the relationship, I would become totally like you are now Lovegirl, and even worse after getting dumped. I would call, text, expect them to say or do at least something to make me feel better, hold on to a hope, feel guilty to even think about a different man. The worst of all I would think about them 24/7 for months!! YUCK! When I was doing these things it took me on average around 2 years to completely get over a man, even when I would start dating other men or enter a new relationship.
    The last time when I got dumped by a really hot guy with whom I had high hopes, but dismissed all the red flags… I didn’t do any of that… I was hurt for a few days, I still thought of him often for around a month, and that’s it, in a month I was over him for good. No, no happy ending he never came back but I totally don’t care! I even changed my number to make sure nor him nor any other ex would be able to contact me!

    In a nutshell, after a breakup, don’t ever contact him even if he does, move on and you will be able to move on quickly. Most often when they contact you after dumping is to check if you are still hung up on them, not to get back together! (maybe things with the new girl didn’t work out or he’s bored) Even if you do get back together, things might not be the same again. From my experience it’s never a good thing. Every situation might be different, but expecting him to contact you is a waste of your precious energy!

  14.  #14Leela on August 29, 2015 at 8:43 am

    I remember years ago I received a chocolate box from an ex I still “loved” on my birthday. We were in contact for nearly every day (a big NO, and it was a dead-end situation but I didn’t want to see it).

    He ordered that chocolate box from an online store and they (the store) ordered it to me directly. He typed a message: Happy birthday. Your love.”
    I can’t find the right words to describe how HORRIBLE it felt. He literally wanted to show me that all this is one-sided. I felt like he thinks I’m obligating him to contact me, that even this gift was out of obligation.

    I can honestly say that I would rather receive nothing!

    And even following this I wasn’t able to let go. We were still in contact for almost another year while living in different parts of the world and him deciding if he’d come back to where I am. Until he said I don’t want to upset you or my girlfriend don’t know what to do. WAIT: YOUR GIRLFRIEND???Horrible, horrible!!!

  15.  #15Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Indigo 9- I really like that perspective. That somehow my love for him did something positive. The frustrating part is that it may make him a better man for someone else.

  16.  #16Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Femininewoman, my words are in direct response to the article above. I was showing how I identified with some of Rori’s comments in my relationship with S.

    I kind of hope his day was ruined somehow. I know that sounds awful but mine certainly was.

    Ive come to terms with the fact that pretty much ALL the relationships in my life have been me giving and doing and never receiving much. Its eye opening and definitely something I need to change. Its probably not going to come easy.

    I mean even in my family, for years I would buy all my younger brothers and sisters gifts for holidays and run to everyones aid when something was wrong and everyone always called on me to solve problems or make peace or get the family together (I am the oldest). Its been a shock these past few years since my divorce, when I have been more in need, that very little help has come my way.

    One of my brothers even stopped talking to me completely. From what I understand it has something to do with me not having my life together. Im kind of in shock because I have done so much for him throughout the years, and when life was hard for him I did what I could. When we were kids I took many beatings in order to protect him. I loved him so much and didnt want to see him get hurt. Not that he probably realizes or remembers any of that.

    Hes getting married next month and I am not invited. He was IN my wedding. He is not inviting my mother either- but I understand why he feels resentful of her. She is a drug addict and pretty much abandoned him. Apparently he thinks I have turned out like her- now that I am single with 5 kids. Only, I dont do drugs and I love my kids and do the best I can for them. Hes never spent enough time around us to really see what is going on, just makes assumptions.

    He wouldn’t talk to my grandma either, for awhile and she has never been anything but good to him. Maybe he is just an asshole. I wrote him this long email on Facebook and he blocked me after that but maybe that is why he started talking to her again. I pointed out how old she is and how he would regret it if she died.

    Speaking of, I also got a letter/card in the mail today from my dads mother. She is 91 and the first person to tell me that my stepmother died 3 months ago!! Wtf? I knew she had cancer but I hadnt heard the news. (My dad passed away 6 yrs ago). This is how distant some of my family has become.

  17.  #17Indigo on August 29, 2015 at 10:44 am


    If that is so then you can take comfort in the fact that it was never meant to be.

  18.  #18Dominique on August 29, 2015 at 10:55 am

    Linda – 8 – I feel so delighted that the articles helped you some. Remember that there is not “there” to get to. Every step of your journey is the “there”, the here and now in this precious moment and in all of the subsequent ones.

    Perfection is an illusion. And one of the most profound experiences will be healing together, each one facilitating the journey and the growth in the other.

    Love to you.


  19.  #19IamHis on August 29, 2015 at 11:07 am

    Rori, this is so deep. Absolutely love it, thank you!! 🙂

  20.  #20Indigo on August 29, 2015 at 11:10 am

    Lovergirl 16,

    Re: your family. Being there for them and loving them and then having them not come through for you quite as much in return. It is the same in my family. I take comfort in the fact that they love me the best way they can but I have learned to adjust my expectations.

    I have learned over time to pull back somewhat. I do the right thing and I love and care for them when it feels good and right for me to do so. But I have learnt not to overextend myself, or do anything which will foster any kind of resentment in me or anything which is asking too much – even though it may be what I would naturally do – because I have learnt with time that they will not appreciate it or respond in kind the way I would want. It has taken time but believe me this way feels a lot better.

    I turn instead to people I know will be there for me or come through for me with certain things. They are few and far between but they are there. I have created a very small, but very important, “mini-family” outside of my blood family.

  21.  #21Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    In a rush right nowbiut S just texted to offer me the opportunity to take some tests for him for $350. I said I am super confused you would text me about this and not say Happy Birthday yesterday. He said sorry, I forgot… Happy Birthday! Ugh.

    I said thanks I had a rough day and my computer is in the shop till next week (didn’t say yes or no on the tests but would need my computer for it). He said sorry to hear that and let me know when you get it back.

    I told him id have to think about the tests and also that my office is moving over there so don’t think im stalking you if you see me driving your way. He thanked me for telling him and said he wouldnt think that. Then he said we should probably forget about the tests its probably netter for

  22.  #22Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Him to do them. I didn’t respond

  23.  #23Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    Lovergirl I definitely would not do those tests if I were in your shoes. Reason being it would make you feel better in the next few days when he disappears ago and then only shows up briefly for whatever reason convenient to him. You will end up feeling used.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    *it would not*

  25.  #25Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    It is not an opportunity. It is not an offer. You are worth way more than $350. Also what does this kind of thing say about his integrity in general?

  26.  #26Femininewoman on August 29, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    Lovergirl it feels so painful reading about your family dynamics.

  27.  #27Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 2:57 pm


    I dont think id feel one way or another about the tests. Im not that concerned about his integrity. They are just little recertification tests he takes every year and he offers because it saves him time and he knows I could use the money. I dont think it says anything about my worth. I can do them on the computer, get paid via PayPal and never see S at all. He said nevermind anyway, so not even an option now. My family is what it is. Yes a lot of them are f-d up. :p

  28.  #28Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Thank you Linda (11). That is comforting advice and I want to try and just let go. I still feel hurt and angry that he forgot but at least it wasnt him being deliberately hurtful. Im still confused by him texting me at all-when a couple weeks ago he said he never wanted to hear from me again. The way he throws out this offer and then retracts it when I say I have to think about it- thats all hot and cold too.

  29.  #29Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Femininewoman 12- I used the word “give” to describe my feelings in reaction to the article. I was identifying with the emotion of it, if that makes sense.

  30.  #30Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Leela- thanks. I do feel he places more value on his exes than on me and it hurts, a lot. I really cant figure out why. Like, what do they have that I dont?

    S really isnt a bad guy at all. He is generally nice and compassionate. Its one of the things I love about him. He only has two serious exes from the past and those are the ones he treats to a birthday dinner each year. In comparison, I feel like shit- he didnt even text! To be fair he forgot his most recent exes bday last year. But after he realized his mistake (he saw posts on Facebook) he took her out for a belated dinner. I just got oh sorry “happy birthday”. Bleah.

    My expecting him to contact me is because he HAS been. Im the one that chose to stop seeing him unless he gave me a real relationship. I wanted so much for him to choose ME, but he hasnt. I feel like something must be wrong with me. I know I need to work on myself and I am trying but i dont even really know where to start. All this stuff about loving myself, seems so unreal and unattainable.

  31.  #31Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Leela- sorry that happened to you. I really hope it doesn’t take me years to get over him.

  32.  #32Lovergirl on August 29, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Indigo 20- that is good advice, thanks. To be fair my grandma gives and gives too so its not just me. I have been the recipient of at least that.

  33.  #33Emerson on August 29, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    I enjoyed reading this post…hmm partnership….I have been thinking about it quite a bit actually…

    It would feel good to be with someone that feels easy to be around and will accept my flaws….

    I will accept theirs….

    In the perfect world at least.

    It is possible. Not perfect, but possible.

  34.  #34Millie on August 29, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    Trying to post but it’s not working. 🙁

  35.  #35Millie on August 29, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    Well all I really wanted to say is that this post makes me feel like I’m right. M left because of me. I feel low class because of it.

  36.  #36Cara on August 30, 2015 at 2:02 am

    Hi Rori,
    I love your tools and products, I have them all. I know you are expanding form relationship and dating into business too. I would love for you to give us some visualisations for attracting money. I love the bridge, the sprinkling love, and all other tools. Could you maybe give us a few specific tools/affirmations/and especially visualisations for lots of money/business/wealth.

  37.  #37Indigo on August 30, 2015 at 5:58 am

    I broke up with BikeCD. I am perfectly fine. Suffice it to say, he was not the right fit for me in the end.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on August 30, 2015 at 6:27 am

    Sorry to hear that Indigo. You have come such a long way

  39.  #39Leela on August 30, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Lovegirl, I can relate to you a lot! I

    Him being a good person is absolutely useless to you if he treats you the way he does now! You love him for the way he is there out in the world and you hope he’ll become like that towards you too. Waste of time! He could be a Nobel Prize winner but if he treats you like dirt he is useless!

    I too dumped one guy in hopes he’d come back and change. And he did!! But then I screwed it all up, because I wasn’t in the right state. I was all about what to say and do to affect HIM, I had new strategies in my mind but as a person I was still the old me topped with even more neediness. And it didn’t work…

    If you want this man, and want him to treat the way you deserve (and it is possible) there are so many things you have to stop doing and things to do instead that has absolutely nothing to do with him! Your whole vibe must change. You must be in a state where you don’t care if he comes back or not, because you know there are so many men out there who can do the thing for you.

    I would strongly suggest Rori’s Targeting Mr Right, it works like magic!

  40.  #40Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 8:19 am

    Lovely Siren…
    I am sorry and
    I feel surprised by your sharing
    of breaking up with Bike
    Can you share what happened>
    I feel happy to know you are feeling ok
    about your decision…
    Lots of warm, kind huggssss!!!

  41.  #41Indigo on August 30, 2015 at 8:19 am

    Leela 38,

    I appreciate what you are saying here, but I have a feeling this advice:

    “If you want this man, and want him to treat the way you deserve (and it is possible) there are so many things you have to stop doing and things to do instead that has absolutely nothing to do with him! Your whole vibe must change. You must be in a state where you don’t care if he comes back or not, because you know there are so many men out there who can do the thing for you”

    is not always helpful to many women with certain men, and in Lovergirl’s situation. It makes these women feel like there’s something they could have done, or something they can still do in order to make him step up. Or worse, it makes them feel like the breakdown of the relationship was their fault. When in reality, the man is simply not ready or capable. He may not be the right man for her or it may be an issue of timing, or he may not want a real relationship at all.

    I truly feel we should be careful of dishing out false hope to women when it seems clear that the man is simply not the right man right now. Yes of course we should get our own lives back on track but we should do it because it’s the right thing for us, and not in any hopes of affecting him. I don’t know if it’s always helpful to tell us we should not “care” – that’s simply not an option/reality for me, and I’m sure for many others.

  42.  #42Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 8:25 am

    ((((Millie #35))))
    Lovely, beautiful Siren…
    I too struggle with this feeling of beign “low class”

    Take that feeling of “low class”
    hugg that feeling, kiss that feeling,
    make her your friend
    ask her to share all that power with you
    so together you can live a Happy life!!!

    Tell that feeling how much YOU love her…

    I have been using Tereana’s tool of
    Having these feelings “make love” to me…
    it is a very odd sensation
    but it seems to work!!!

  43.  #43Indigo on August 30, 2015 at 8:25 am

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you for your caring and concern, and for the hugs.

    It is something that has been building for a few weeks. Bike was starting to get extremely busy at work and have very little energy left over for the relationship – he was fairly upfront with me about how busy and tired he was, and I stuck it out for a few weeks, until I no longer wanted to continue. Had he been a man I was much more sure of or in love with, this would have been something I would have been willing to hold on through and ride out the storm with him, but I had several other nagging concerns which were making me think we weren’t a fit. He is a good guy – just not a great guy.

  44.  #44Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Thank you for sharing the story of what happened
    with you and Bike..
    I feel sad he didn’t end up being quite right!!!
    But it seemed you opened your heart
    and gave the relationship
    a real try!!!
    More practice for when you meet
    Mr. Right!!! :-))

  45.  #45Millie on August 30, 2015 at 9:09 am

    I’m curious what he showed you that allowed you to know he isn’t the right one?

  46.  #46Millie on August 30, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Oh indigo I just your reply to Azure! I totally understand!

  47.  #47Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Hmm Indigo, I feel really curious about your response to Leela in #40. I want to start by saying that I’m totally on the same page as you as far as feeling like sometimes a man is simply not the right man for us at this time, and instilling a false sense of hope can be dangerous.

    At the same time I also feel like every man comes into our life to teach US something. The common thread in all of my relationships is me, and I do enjoy the process of taking a look at my own patterns within relationship and reading as much as I can (here and elsewhere) to help bring my behaviors that I’m in the dark about into the light.

    That is to say, I’ve learned that in relationship I sometimes act ways I learned to as a child — sometimes a really young child, like 5 or 6!! — that I don’t even REALIZE I bring into my relationship until something outside of me shines a light on it, whether it’s the man I’m dating, journaling and having an “a-ha” moment, something I read that lands with me, or perhaps working with Dominique or another coach.

    And in that way, when I come into my own feminine power by learning how I WAS behaving and seeing the choice to either change or not change, that can in fact change the dynamic of my relationship drastically for the better.

    I know I’m in a good spot so to speak when I feel like I can walk away from a relationship, no matter how good or bad it is, with my self-esteem intact. That’s my biggest clue that I’m acting from a centered place within my feminine-energy power. 🙂

  48.  #48Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 11:14 am

    Also, this may sound weird but congrats on your breakup with BikeCD. The vibe I feel coming off of you right now is downright glamorous! Keep moving in whatever direction it is that you are flowing…

  49.  #49Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 11:21 am

    Lovergirl when I read your comments all I see is that you are totally centered on S. Whether S texted you or didn’t text you today, whether he wished you a happy birthday or not, I get the sense your entire world and happiness is based on what S does or doesn’t do right now. I see the fear that is running underneath your day to day, and I feel so deeply for you. I understand this fear all to well and I know how trapped it makes me feel. The fear is not real though!! It’s what’s BEYOND the fear, the good stuff, that’s real.

    What about what would make LOVERGIRL happy in this moment? What about what you want, or need, or desire? Your posts remind me of a child who is upset that Daddy is too busy working to spend time with her or give her attention. That’s a huge clue!!! And personally I think this is buried treasure for you, if you would just take your laser focus off of S and try to find out the GIFT this is all presenting to you. He’s actually giving you a pretty good big birthday gift here, all this stuff that is coming up for you. It’s gold, only more valuable. S is not the key to your fulfillment or happiness, and so long as you think he is you remain trapped in this pit. You can get yourself out, it does require moving beyond the deep fear you feel.

    We have all been where you are, I know I have for sure. I have based each day’s happiness on whether a man reached out to me, planned a date with me, gave me attention or not. It’s not healthy and it didn’t get me what I wanted, in fact it repelled that man.

  50.  #50Indigo on August 30, 2015 at 11:30 am


    Thank you SO much for saying you feel like my vibe is glamourous and congratulating me 🙂 My confidence feels in a pretty good place right now and it makes me feel very smiley that someone else noticed. I feel very peaceful about this break up, which is how I know it’s the right thing for me.

    And let me then say that I totally agree with everything you’ve said in # 46, especially this:

    “At the same time I also feel like every man comes into our life to teach US something. The common thread in all of my relationships is me, and I do enjoy the process of taking a look at my own patterns within relationship and reading as much as I can (here and elsewhere) to help bring my behaviors that I’m in the dark about into the light.

    That is to say, I’ve learned that in relationship I sometimes act ways I learned to as a child — sometimes a really young child, like 5 or 6!! — that I don’t even REALIZE I bring into my relationship until something outside of me shines a light on it, whether it’s the man I’m dating, journaling and having an “a-ha” moment, something I read that lands with me, or perhaps working with Dominique or another coach.”

    I feel exactly the same way. I absolutely believe every man comes into our lives to teach us something, and there is so much I’ve learnt about myself and growth areas from my relationships. Oh my goodness an absolute wealth of self-growth!

    It is ideal if you feel you can walk away from a man and still be ok. That is the ideal scenario to learn. What I was referring to in my post to Leela was those men we cannot seem to disentangle from without a great deal of pain – where we believe there is something we could have done/could do to make him come through for us and step up in the way we want, so we cling to any modification of our behaviour or vibe that might bring some hope. I think it is clear that Lovergirl is not in a position where she can just walk away from S and stop caring. And I know because I’ve been there too.

    Or those guys who simply aren’t ready for a serious relationship, but we can’t see it yet, so we keep dancing this way and that, second-guessing ourselves and wondering whether we are doing something wrong, when really we should just say goodbye.

    It’s great if you can tell the difference with clarity, but not all women can, myself included.

  51.  #51Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 11:43 am

    35 Millie — If you can see behaviors within yourself, even ones that you don’t like, and not judge yourself for having them, those behaviors can transform or fade away or grow into something else…

    No one is perfect. We all make mistakes in relationship. On a daily basis I can think of at least ONE thing I feel like I’ve done wrong with Tender if I really want to go looking. If I let myself realize, ‘Huh, look at that. I’m doing that thing again…’ and then shrug it off, that thing loses its power over me.

    Our mind is programmed to look for the negative as a survival mechanism. You don’t have to listen to it when its messages no longer serve your well-being. 🙂

  52.  #52Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 11:45 am

    49 Indigo — Ah, OK. I see more where your head is at now in relation to your previous comment. And yes I agree it’s not always easy (or possible) to know if a man is ready for serious relationship. I suppose it’s mostly for me about time, and observation, until I can no longer comfortably allow myself to receive from a man who can’t give me what I want.

    And yes, even then, there are men who I still second-guess myself with. So it goes.

  53.  #53Indigo on August 30, 2015 at 11:50 am

    Labbit 51,

    Nice to know I’m not alone with this one 🙂

    I like this: “until I can no longer comfortably allow myself to receive from a man who can’t give me what I want.”

  54.  #54Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Rori, I loooooovvveee the email newsletter I just got in my inbox (about you and your husband being sick and your dilemma over whether to pick up dinner or not when he asked). This is the kind of content that I find so incredibly useful, and I’ve missed it recently! So nice to have this fresh content coming in, thank you for the new questions and answers. I feel so warmed up inside and refreshed, learning these new things and hearing your perspective. 🙂

  55.  #55Liquid Light on August 30, 2015 at 12:59 pm

    Hello, ladies, could you some perspective here.

    I’m likely going to moving on from my job soon (hooray) and will be starting at another company. Nothing is certain, I haven’t given my notice, but its a feeling I have that it will likely happen soon.

    As some of you know, I had a challenging situation with a manager at work who was the head of the project that I’m on. It was a sexual harassment situation and when I declined his advances, he made my life miserable on this project.

    I’m getting concerned about something similar happening in the next job I’m in. This kind of thing has happened many times before to me (not this bad but being hit on by married men at work is nothing new to me) so its very familiar. In fact, its part of the reason that I moved away from the area and ended up working remotely on projects.

    I’ve been even concocting a plan to at my new job say that I’m married and wear a ring! But that would be ridiculous (I’m not). But maybe say openly that I have a boyfriend (I don’t). I know it sounds silly but I just don’t want to deal with this again.

    My current situation has really been awful. These types of men who have affairs and are married with families (he’s got two very young kids) are not that uncommon in the workplace. And they frequently are ruthless. They will stop and nothing to get their way and if they don’t, you will pay the price. They couldn’t care less, its all about them. It really sucks to be in a situation like that where this person has power over you. Its been a no-win situation.

    I got my trust initially by telling me about his family, how he took “paternity leave” and all these stories about his kids and being a young father. I was totally sucked in to his story and believed him to be a devoted family man. That’s why it took me so long to realize that he was trying to seduce me almost from the beginning. Ughh. And before I realized what was happening it was too late. When I realized that he was in fact hitting on me and I turned him down, he turned on me. Its been horrible.

    Anyway, I’m really paranoid now about not getting into a similar situation at my new workplace. But if this happens again and the person happens to have power over me, then I’m screwed. (Pardon the pun 🙁

    Ughh. I don’t want to be on the look out for it but on the other hand I don’t want to be blindsided like I was in my current situation.

    Thoughts? Suggestions? Tips?

  56.  #56Liquid Light on August 30, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    Or I could try another tactic. If I sense that someone inappropriate at work might be interested, I can beat them to the punch and hit on them first! Hahaha!

    This kinda happened to me at my last job. There was a man there – fairly high level but not my direct boss thankfully – who was giving me that vibe. I tried to ignore him but he kept sniffing around. Then I thought well gee he is kinda cute and I wasn’t sure if he was married or not, so I started sniffing back. As soon as I did, he dropped me like a hot potato and things got back to normal. It was almost as if he was trying to see if I would be interested and as soon as he realized I was, his ego was satisfied and he moved on. LOL

    Anyway, this really might not be a bad idea to try. Just turn the tables on the guy and come on really strong. Part of the appeal with these guys I believe is the chase and the process of seduction. If they can’t chase/seduce and conquer, then there’s no fun in it for them. (just like RR says)

    If I had more balls, I might try it. Just don’t think I’m bold enough to do it though. Oh well. But I bet it would work…Hahahaha!!!

  57.  #57Mandy on August 30, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    AH. Laser-focusing on a CD again. Man, when I really like a guy, I REALLY like him.


    He’s just…just…so awesome! Dammit!

  58.  #58nyx on August 30, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    @Liquid Light

    I think you might have something there in starting chasing them, haha.
    Telling guys who themselves have absolutely no problem with cheating that you are married isn’t very effectful… I’m thinking of whether there is a way to avoid the vengefulness you have experienced… sometimes when guys I’m not interested in tried hitting on me I’ve said: “Oh sorry, but I am already in love.” and tried to look all starry-eyed at that (even the times I felt I was unhappily in love- you still can think of the feelings you have for someone you are infatuated with and let it shine through in your face and your voice). They have backed off VERY quickly, and respectfully, and I haven’t gotten any vibe at all of them taking it personal. Granted, to my knowledge none of these guys have been taken. Still, maybe something to try?

  59.  #59nyx on August 30, 2015 at 3:57 pm


    I understand exactly what you mean with the difference between “good” and “great”. You put an evasive feeling into words perfectly 🙂 and so helped us better identify this difference… thank you

  60.  #60Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    Thank you again for your Siren wisdom!!!

    This is a GREAT reminder…
    “It’s gold, only more valuable.
    “??whomever” is not the key to your fulfillment
    or happiness,
    and so long as you think he is
    you remain trapped in this pit.
    You can get yourself out,
    it does require moving beyond
    the deep fear you feel.”

    I remember (a few months ago)
    when I got a VERY clear understanding
    That I NEED to be MY own ENTERTAINMENT…
    I got the DEEP meaning of it…
    When I was younger I clearly, happily and thuroughly understood this
    And then I began getting tired of doing
    EVERYTHING alone…
    and so when a man came into my life…
    I realized… I thought THEY needed to be MY

    And then a few months ago…
    I started taking steps to be MY INSPIRATION
    so I took Tango lessons,
    Started learning Italian
    and volunteering more!!!
    IT Worked sooo welll…

    BUT when I look at how I
    view my interactions with Spirit
    I am finding my vibe to be
    “YOU need to entertain ME!!!!!”
    Even when I am leaning back
    CDing other men
    enjoying MY LIFE…
    Everytime I see him
    I can see how my vibe must feel!!!

    VERY interesting for me to observe this!!!
    Is this how I get when I feel (as Rori mentions in this post) urgent…
    cause that is how I feel around Spirit…
    Mmmmm… I love digging deeper in ME!!!
    Love you Azure!!! oxoxo

  61.  #61Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Liquid Light, I have no advice, I just wanted to say your situation sounds awful, I’m so sorry, and ***HUGS***.

  62.  #62Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 4:05 pm


    How is your CDing going? I have been delighted to read your recent updates. 🙂

  63.  #63Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    On a bright note with my new CD RM
    We had a wonderful date on Sat.
    after i had cancelled my date with
    him to meet his family…
    he was disappointed
    but immediately wanted to
    set the next date (for the next day) YAY!!
    How VERY masculine!!!

    We were going to the Renaisance Festival
    over an hour away…
    and then it was rainy there…
    he had already looked that up
    and thought of a plan B
    We went to a movie… walked around town and to several restaurants
    in my city and did some window shopping!!!
    We had sooo much fun,,
    He said to me while we were hugging and kissing
    He said”Azure, I want a relationship with you…
    I said “Ohhh… you are sooo romantic… that makes my heart melt to hear you say that!!”
    He said “do you want one with me:?”
    I said “I feel so happy and sparkly dating you
    and getting to know you. dont you?”
    He said yes,,, you seem like your just a serial dater…
    I said… “No… I am tired of dating… I am looking
    for a forever relationship/marriage… BUT
    i love learning about YOU and seeing where
    this will go.”
    Ahhhh… I felt warm and happy hearing him say that,,,
    He makes me feel different from Spirit…
    More relaxed and cared for…
    I’m trying to relax and enjoy these feelings
    and open my heart more to his warmth and heart felt charm

  64.  #64Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    ohhhh… thank you for asking…
    In my rotation I am down to RM
    and – off and on, Spirit!
    I am still active online – POF-
    But haven’t made contact with a new one yet…
    The quality of men I am attracting – and CHOOSING
    is Sooo good!
    What a great summer!

  65.  #65Azure Blu on August 30, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    what ever happened with your sister
    and all her wonderful dating…
    Did she decide on being exclusive?

  66.  #66Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    62 Azure — Your date with CD RM sounds so lovely!! And it sounds like you are totally nailing your feeling messages with him. 🙂 He came up with a pretty awesome Plan B, I must say. I remember from my time waiting for Tender to claim me so to speak, that there was a lot of tension with him because he did not like the idea of me dating other guys. (Nor should he.) However unlike your CD RM it took Tender some time to warm up to the idea of commitment, and it was a little while before he asked me after I started being firm about my CDing.

    Azure remember that the more calm you are about these things, the more anxious HE may get. It’s the feminine essence power you have. You’re in a beautiful natural lean back mode right now and that makes him more eager to hunt and pursue you — YAY!! At some point it may feel right to go exclusive with him…everything you are doing sounds great, just keep checking in with your heart as you have been.

  67.  #67Labbit on August 30, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    64 Azure — Funny you ask, I was just talking to her! So as I’ve mentioned she has been working with EMK’s stuff and it’s been working WONDERS for her. But she did hit her first real roadblock.

    My sis was down to two guys and felt like either of them would be awesome exclusivity candidates. Guy A was her preference with Guy B running a very close second. But then Guy B kinda self-eliminated himself. They said goodbye after a lovely date one night, having tentatively set up details for their next date. He said he would call her that week…but he never did. One week, then another went by with no word. She didn’t chase him at all and was sure glad to have Guy A around!! But she did wonder what happened…

    Unfortunately this left her with just Guy A, and she became kind of anxious about him. Although she knew in her heart that she should start looking for other guys to CD, she didn’t want to because she’d been dating Guy A about 4 months, and she was hoping he’d step up and ask her to be exclusive. I think her vibe became more anxious — I could certainly feel it when I talked to her, though it was WAY BETTER than it had been in the past. Guy A got a little flaky with her, taking more time to call her (it went from everyday to every few days, then just once a week) and their dates went from twice a week down to once every two weeks. He also started becoming “busy.” I think this is right around the time I was upset about Tender being “busy” too, so we had a LOT to chat about on our sister gab calls. 😉

    Finally, my sis was going to call it quits it with Guy A. She’d had it with feeling like she was falling down his priority list. But they went on a really nice date that weekend and she lost her mojo a bit. At the end of the date, as she put it to me, instead of telling him she was looking for an exclusive relationship and since it didn’t seem like he wanted that it would be best if they parted ways, she instead kinda wishy-washy said “You know I’d like to be exclusive sometime soon…what do you think?” Not the worst thing ever, but not exactly the strength of character she wanted to show either.

    Guy A called her a couple of days and they broke up. She told me it was the nicest breakup she’s ever had, because he didn’t disappear on her and she didn’t go crazy chasing after him. He said he liked her a lot but couldn’t give her what she wanted. She said I don’t like it but OK. For the record he also said he was really sad to let her go, and I think he might be back, but I didn’t want to feed that idea into her head.

    She waited a day or two and went right back online dating, and within a week she’d gotten herself back up to 5-6 guys!! Including one who is OMG hottie and has a motorcycle. She’s also been taking herself out more and one of her CDs is someone she met in real life at a book signing. I’m amazed by her these days…she’s got a great attitude about it all and is having fun. Obviously not every day is sunshine and roses but for the most part she’s on the up and up.

  68.  #68Liquid Light on August 30, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Thank NYX, you always have an interesting take on my situation. I think that’s an awesome idea! I will try to do that I get unwanted interest.

    Another irony with my work situation is that we are having another offsite. And this time my nemesis has been invited. She’s the one that has caused me so much pain and upset at work because she just doesn’t carry her own weight. And I’ve had to do her heavy lifting over and over again. I really resent her.

    Anyway the manager at works knows how I feel about her. And since I rejected him a while ago, Ive noticed a bit of flirtation with her when she we are on group calls. I’ve never met her but based on her work photo she looks pretty cute.

    Well as it turns out she’s been invited to the offsite as well! I was flabbergasted because she hasn’t been invited to any of the other ones. I wonder if he invited her to get back at me a little (since he knew how much it would annoy me) but also I wonder if he is going to hit on her at the offsite! (As it turns out, I’m not going to the offsite since it conflicts with my vacation time, yay!) My suspicion about her is that she had an affair with another manager. I couldn’t figure out why she hadn’t been fired because she is so incompetent and then I realized that maybe it was because of this other manager and a “special” relationship. It wouldn’t surprise me at all.

    So she may get another manage hitting on her. Truth be told, I would be thrilled if they did get involved with each other. It would get him off my back. And quite frankly, I think they deserve each other. LOL.

    The one thing that I do take a little comfort in is I have a feeling his interest in me is stemming from a mid-life crisis (based on some of the comments he’s made about feeling like he is getting older). He’s only about mid-40s though. And I’m 50 so that makes me feel kinda good that he would hit on me to make himself feeling younger. Usually they hit on younger women to make themselves feel younger. I guess he’s a bit confused. Hahahaha!!!

    My nemesis though is a lot younger than I. She’ll probably make him feel really young, and perhaps he’ll forget about me. Fingers crossed. God what a drama!!!

  69.  #69Liquid Light on August 30, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    Labbit, your sister is lucky to have a sister like you!

  70.  #70Shina on August 30, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    Hi Liquid Light,

    It has been awhile since I’ve visited RR blog and tonight I happened to see your post about the predatory behaviors of married men at your workplace. It’s been too long girl! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

    I experienced something very similar from married men at work when I was single, except I’ve never experienced any of them turning vindictive and vengeful. From my experience and what I know, I definitely do NOT recommend that you “chase” these men in return because things could turn out so much worse by putting out such a false positive signal to these men. (some of them might take your pursuing them the wrong way and some may truly believe that you really want them)

    The best advice I can give you is:

    1) When you are at work, keep it 100% professional and don’t get so personal with any of your male coworkers, esp the ones who are married. You wrote that the man whose currently being vindictive towards you had initally “seduced” you with his stories of being a young devoted father, etc. In the future, don’t get so personally involved in their lives or give them any personal information about yours. The more personal you get and allow these men to cross that professional boundary with you from coworker to friend, the more you open yourself up to these kinds of married men pursuing you with such zeal.

    Also, I do not recommend using men you work with as possible CDs. As the saying goes, “don’t sh*t where you work” it’s never a good idea to date people from your workplace since if the relationship goes sour you still have to work there and see them all the time.

    If you are experiencing so much harrassment from married men, then the best policy is to keep your distance (but you can still be nice and polite) and don’t ever get too personal with any of the men you work with. Give off the vibe that you are 100% professional and are not available for anything else. Look at how married women behave (at least the ones in solid marriages) they are really good at giving off this vibe I describe.

    2.) This 2nd part is a bit tricky to explain via the web. But it has to do with the “aura” or “vibe” you give off to men that you are available. When I was single and was experiencing a lot of difficulty with married men coming after me, a good friend of mine (who is married) pointed out to me that the vibe I gave off was too “open” and that I needed to be more discerning in who I opened myself up to. I never really understood what she meant at the time (because shouldn’t we be open to all of life’s possibilities) but now that I’m a married woman myself I better understand what she meant. The best example I can give is, when I was single I was very focused on being open to men, CDing up a storm, and meeting my Mr. Right. As a result, if a man came up to me, I was so focused on my process and emotions and being open to possibility, that I focused less on the reality of the situation and more on being able to express myself to the man in that moment. And as a result, a lot of men took that as me being available and/or being “attainable”/a possibility to them that left me open and vulnerable to their chasing/predatory behavior. Now that I am newly married, my experience is completely different. In that, now when a man approaches me and wants to get to know me (at work etc) since I’m no longer focused on CDing, I can better sense the kind of vibe the man is giving off and whether or not I feel comfortable being friendly with them or closing myself off that I am 100% not available. An example would be, men who on the surface come across as a nice friendly man but their energy and vibe feel “slimey” and “creepy” to me. After any interaction with them, I am left with the feeling that I have been “slimed on” and there is something about them that I don’t feel comfortable or trust, even though on the surface they seem super nice and give no real indication for me to feel so gross being near them. But much later on when I’ve gotten to know these men better from working with them, I learn that my intuition was spot on and they were not good people and it was smart of me to keep my distance.

    When I was single, I wasn’t that great picking up these types of signals since I was so stuck on my emotions and process. But now that I’m married and no longer available, I can see so much clearer what my friend meant before. I can see the same thing happening with some of my single girl friends. Whenever I feel this slimey vibe from men, I’ll warn them that they need to be careful and that they’re something off about them. At first my friends would look at me and say “What are you talking about he seems perfectly nice!” but much later on they’ll eventually discover something bad about them that made bad romantic partners for one reason or another.

    So the moral of the story is, yes it is important to be open to the world and to flirt and CD with people you come across. But you can’t just be 100% open and flirtatious, but rather you need to balance this out with using caution and discernment in who you allow into your personal space and how personal/close you let them be with you.

    I hope some of this helps!! I’m so sorry you’re having such difficulty at work that you have to change jobs. Hang in there girl, I promise things will get better! ((hugs))

  71.  #71Tereana on August 30, 2015 at 8:44 pm

    Ooh, this is a really good post by Rori. I just read it all the way through, and wow. That idea of the sense of “urgency,” and how that relates to anger and overfunctioning and our investment in him…it’s all so spot on.

    I still haven’t been dating in a while. I know it is the “answer,” and yet, I also feel that I need this time off to regroup.

    This article made me think more of V, though. The idea of “waiting.” Yes, I felt invested in him. Before he left, I never felt that “urgency” with him. I never had to. But once he left – no, actually, the switch was maybe the night that he told me he was leaving. He sprung it on me maybe week before he went. I didn’t even have time to process the information before he asked me if I would “wait” for him. Answering yes seemed like the most logical thing in the world to do in the moment, but in retrospect, I really should have taken more time to think about it before I gave him an answer – given myself more time to let the fact of him leaving really sink in before I made any promises. Because once I made the promise, I felt bound by it, not matter what happened or what he decided to do.

    And if anything, I should have started CDing much sooner. I should have started CDing as soon as it was apparent that he wasn’t calling me as much as I wanted, wasn’t making time for video calls, and was essentially absent and incommunicado on weekends. He was an absentee boyfriend. A non-boyfriend. A casual chat buddy on weekdays, and that was it. What was I waiting for? Nothing. Or at least that’s what it felt like. So I should not have been waiting. I gave him a promise. I kept my promise. But he didn’t promise me anything.

    And that wasn’t what I wanted.

    What I really wanted, was I wanted him to promise me, before he left, that he would come back and that he would marry me. And that should have really been the “price” of my “yes.” My yes to waiting should have also been the yes to “The Question,” of “will you marry me?” And that’s the ONLY thing I should have said yes to.

    I just didn’t know how to ask. I knew this was what I wanted – I felt it in my heart. I honestly and truly did not know how to ask. Felt incapable of asking. Now…I wish I had. I miss him every day. I think of him every day. And the moment after I think of him, I remind myself that I have to “let him go.” But it’s obvious I haven’t. I still can’t date anyone. I’m in limbo. I feel the answer is to actually just start dating again – as if it were the first moment I felt frustrated with him. To just focus on myself. But part of me wants to go back toward him, too.

    Because I feel “invested.”

    Because I made a promise.

    Because even if he didn’t promise me anything, I still had an expectation, a hope, and a desire.

    And I feel at a loss.

    As in, I lost him. I lost someone I can’t replace. I can replace him. But it has to be with someone else. And even with all his flaws, he was still the one that I liked.

  72.  #72Millie on August 30, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    Labbit 50—
    But I do judge myself….
    It would be different if he was still here and I could work through my mistakes, if he had been accepting of me and was patient. But because he’s not here, I’m only left with how it left. I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know how to heal myself or forgive myself. It would be different if there actually were many amazing men lined up to replace him, but there aren’t. I feel like when I read stuff like that, I’m truly wondering who is that true for??? Does that actually exist? I don’t know.. I guess I’m choosing to hold on to this pain. I’m choosing to let it define me and using it as a reason to be extremely selective.

  73.  #73Liquid Light on August 30, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Hi Shina

    Its so nice to see you back here again. Welcome back, girl! And congratulations on getting married! That is fantastic!!!

    Your post was spot on. You are right. I let my guard down with him initially because I was trying to bond with him. I was new to his project and I wanted to create a good rapport going in. I really had no idea though that he had something else on his mind. I totally thought I was “safe” with him because he was married and seemed so devoted to his family. But it just makes me want to cry to think about how I acted with him, just as you say open and warm, and encouraged him without intending to.

    Your advice is excellent. Its a bit unfortunate that that’s the way it is at work but I think you are spot on. Maintaining that 100% professional air is absolutely the key. I guess I’ll just have to put up my walls with every man at work until I feel safe and going into a new workplace soon (probably) that’s a really good reminder.

    So thank you so much, girl! Your presence her was so timely for my situation. I really appreciate your post!

  74.  #74Mandy on August 31, 2015 at 12:43 am

    Can anyone give me advice on how not to put too much effort, investment, or thought into a CD?

    I know being busy helps. I am not currently busy. I should look up classes and such, but i haven’t yet. Luckily, I get paid soon so I can do a bit of something for me. Maybe get a pedicure or a massage.

    Gosh I find myself really wanting just a hello from my CD Valentine. He gives it but gosh I rave it before he gives it. He’s definitely a catch. Jeez. I have always been boy crazy. This one’s beautiful.

  75.  #75Labbit on August 31, 2015 at 3:32 am

    68 Liquid Light — Aww, thank you. 🙂 I am glowing over here!!

    69 Shina — Wow, what a response! I really like what you’ve said here, opened my eyes for sure.

    71 Millie — I get it sweetie, I really do. If you feel like it’s helping you to wallow, perhaps leading yourself deeper inside to the root of all of this, then maybe it’s the way to go. There was a guy I dated for maybe 12 weeks, and after he disappeared on me I pined after him for over a YEAR. I prayed to god everyday that he would come back into my life…actually I kind of DEMANDED of god that he come back into my life. I feel uncomfortable just thinking about the person I was at that time in my life. I kept reaching out to that man (by text and WhatsApp) and for months he didn’t respond, though on WhatsApp I could see that he read my messages, so it became this very sad one-sided thing where I’d send him lovey dovey messages and convince myself, well at least he read them! As if that meant we were in some kind of relationship. I would leave him voicemails sometimes too…ugh it was bad. Really bad. I was lovesick. He was the only man in the world to me, in fact at times he was the only thing in the world to me.

    Finally after about 4 months he did respond. He came over during his lunch break at work on my day off and we had sex. And then he disappeared again. I’d seen him for a grand total of maybe 45 minutes, but I was sure this was the start of us rekindling the flame. And AGAIN I pined for him, really really hard. I was so convinced that he was the one for me, and there was just something I didn’t yet know or understand ‘keeping’ us apart. I just needed to figure out what that thing was!!

    What a bunch of BS it all was. The guy was a jerk and I was near my lowest. I have plenty more embarrassing stories like this from when I was slipping down my spiral. There is no gold where you are Millie. If you need to be there I get it; certainly at the time it felt to me like no one else could have pulled me out of what I was going through, but I don’t wish it for you in an any way shape or form. There is only darkness down there, and you are are the only one who can pull yourself out of it.

  76.  #76Labbit on August 31, 2015 at 3:42 am

    73 Mandy — You have to stay behind him in terms of investment and emotions. As soon as you get ahead of him you’re chasing him, and the only way he can go is backwards.

    Take all of those feelings of wanting to give to him, do for him, hear from him, and put them into yourself. Everytime the thought comes up of him, catch yourself and ask, what can I do for me right now, in this moment?

    For me exercise really helps, not only to get my mind off of Tender but also to work off some of the excess energy I have. It doesn’t have to be at the gym; it could be going for a walk in the park or taking my dog out. I’ve also created rituals for myself — in the morning I have a cup of either tea or coffee, eat a pastry or fruit/cottage cheese bowl and read a bit, and then in the evening I take either a shower or a bath and really pamper myself afterwards with good-smelling lotions, facial cream and so on. Those rituals become things I can look forward to instead of focusing all my energy on how I can’t wait to see Tender that evening/morning. It’s been particularly helpful for me in the morning, as I sometimes would wake up to near-immediate anxiety, even when Tender was right next to me.

    Just keep investing in yourself. That makes him invest in you too.

  77.  #77Lovergirl on August 31, 2015 at 5:55 am

    Liquid Light- can you just tell anyone that makes an actual attempt at anything that you have a firm policy of not getting involved with anyone you work with? Most people should be able to understand and respect that. Its never wise to sh*t where you eat and all that. I personally automatically assume that its understood by all men Im working with that our relationship is entirely platonic and professional, even if we are having fun and flirting. Maybe take on more of that kind of attitude, so that you (rightly) appear shocked if anyone thinks its anything more.

  78.  #78Lovergirl on August 31, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Thank you Leela, Indigo, Labbit- I want to respond more to your individual posts its just difficult on my phone and my computer is still in the shop…grrrr…Hopefully soon. Anyway, know that I read them and am taking it all in and appreciate them.

    I texted S yesterday morning. I know its a no no but I had a dream about him and was full of feelings and sent them as a feeling message. I didn’t really expect a response and didn’t hear from him until late evening.

    He called and we talked for awhile on the phone. He sais he called because he was feeling bad about forgettibg my birthday. Im not sure how I feel about tue conversation. We talked about my new job and about other things.

    It ended with him “thanking” me for not bothering him much with texts or calls. I was kind of irritated and like why would you think I would do that anyway? He said it was a compliment but it felt like a backhanded one and we argued a little about it.

    I texted him after and thanked him for calling about my birthday and said I would try not to be upset about the comment and hoped that he remembered more than just negative things about me. He said trust him that he wasnt going to elaborate but that overall he has a VERY positive image of me. Only then he adds that he is not going to respond to any more texts or messages. It just felt maddening that he keeps acting like im going to keep messaging him all the time. In reality hes been the ine initiating probably 80% of any contact. If I message him one time though, he acts like its constant. Im not sure what to think of that.

  79.  #79Labbit on August 31, 2015 at 7:26 am

    71 Millie — You know, something else occurred to me while I was on my run this morning. I have many tales of woe when it comes to dating, lots of times when looking back, I’d feel embarrassed about my actions. I used to think I had to hide all of these tales from any man…that if he found out he’d surely think less of me and that my new more goddessy cover would be blown.

    One night Tender and I got really drunk and were cuddling in bed, but couldn’t sleep and were honestly too drunk to attempt anything physical. So we chatted. He asked me what my most embarrassing relationship story was. I clammed up HARD. So he said, OK, I’ll go first. And he proceeds to tell me the CRAZIEST, most desperate story of him chasing a woman who clearly wants no part of it that I’ve ever heard. We laugh. So I tell one of mine. We laugh some more. Then he tells another one…you get the picture.

    I fell in love with him even more that night. Especially when I admitted that I felt really scared telling him these stories, fearing that he would somehow think less of me. And he was like, ‘nah, I knew I wanted you from the moment we started dating. Trust me, for every story you have a guy has three more since we’re the ones that pursue.’

    So just in case you’re somehow thinking that you’re broken and that no man would want you with all of the ‘mistakes’ you’ve made…it’s so not true. Most men have just as many, if not more, tales of dating woe than we women do. It’s just that they don’t go around wearing their failures on their sleeves the way we sometimes can. They just brush themselves off and say…next.

  80.  #80Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 8:27 am

    Labbit #66
    Ohhh… lovely Siren,,,
    Thank you for sharing more of what your sis
    is doing in her CDing!!!
    Sooo interesting to me… and what a great job she is doing…
    I LOVE what she said to Guy A!!!
    ““You know I’d like to be exclusive sometime soon…what do you think?”
    Much less ultimatum… MORE vulnerable!
    Feels like coming from a STRONG inside
    Soft outside!!! –
    To me—it takes MUCH inner strength to be that vulnerable!!
    Great to hear she got back on the horse
    and is continuing with CDing

  81.  #81Indigo on August 31, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Lovergirl 77,

    Bear in mind I was involved with a non-committal man for over 4 years, and there was no logic in his behaviour where I was concerned. For a long time, I searched for meaning in the things he said, and eventually I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t read too much into any of the things he said about anything to do with his dating/romantic life, about his medium or long term plans about anything to do with love or relationships. Literally everything was subject to change. I experienced the same thing as you with S many times over – he’d say we should no longer communicate and then a few days or weeks later he’d contact me as if nothing had happened. Or he’d say he was seeing someone, only to turn around and want to take me on a date.

    I honestly cannot tell you why it is like that with a non-committal man, but it is. And I’m just glad I pulled myself out of all that confusion. His confusion is not your problem – take a good long look at where he is ACTUALLY at in his life, and BELIEVE that.

  82.  #82Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 8:43 am

    (((Lovergirl))) #77
    As I have mentioned many times… :-))
    You are doing fantastic!!!
    I know things feel painful to your heart and soul
    right now…
    I too am sitting in the Spirit soup
    and can’t for the life of me figure out
    WHAT is keeping me stuck?!!!!

    I think all this wonderful love I continue
    to give MYSELF…
    practicing ALLL the Rori (and others) tools
    with EVERYONE I am in a relationship with
    I am NOT stuck (although I woke up this morning
    thinking WHY am I still stuck on Spirit????!!!@#$%^)

    how nice it is that Spirit will still contact me off and on… and talk to me about us…
    Sooner or later… as Rori says — I will become
    too uncomfortable with his lack of consistent
    and obvious interest
    and just let go…
    BUT until then…

    I am learning more about ME
    AND LOVEing MY innocent, sweet heart
    that loves HIS innocent, sweet heart
    AND NOT Fitting where I am RIGHT NOW!!!
    JUST sitting in it… with it
    As Dominique so wisely says!!!!
    THERE is NO *THERE* to get to
    I *AM* there NOW!!!

  83.  #83Shina on August 31, 2015 at 8:53 am

    Dearest Liquid Light,

    Don’t beat yourself up girl! I made the exact same mistakes as you, but you know what it’s okay because we’re all learning. I’ve learned that the bigger the mistake you make, the more masterful you will become in learning to use these skills. I will say this though, RR’s tools are very very powerful and it is incredibly effective with most men. So it’s super important that you are discerning in who you choose to use it on (i.e. don’t practice with married men, men with psychological issues, unsafe men, etc)

    There’s one thing you wrote in your comment that stood out to me. That your intentions with your married coworker were that you wanted to have good rapport with him since you were new to the project etc. When I was single and trying to establish my name/career in the workplace, a lot of times I would unconsciously seek out approval and validation from men who were in a superior position to me and who were my boss. It’s like I was so missing having the kind of love, security, and protection from being with a man who truly loved me that inadvertantly my little girl was triggered to seek out approval and validation from men who had “power” over me at work. Especially in the beginning when I was really focused on making a good impression and wanting to show how “great” I was at my job, I found myself wanting to please and be liked by my superiors (esp men). Since I didn’t have a man in my life then, I unconsciously tried to fill the void in myself of not having this by trying to fill this need with men at work who could validate/approve my work (which ultimately validated me as a woman – at least I took it that way unconsciously).

    I’m not sure if any of this is true for you, but our outcomes seem to be similar. The best advice/tip I can give you that really worked for me (and helped me manifest my husband) was to use this visualization Every. Single. Day. Have you heard of Arielle Ford and her work around manifesting your soulmate? In her work, she describes how before her husband came into her life, she actually created a “love altar” in her home where she would sit in front of everyday and visualize her future husband and she would have “conversations” with him during her meditations as if he were truly there. For me, I used this same technique except I visualized my perfect man and felt his incredible love, kindness, and protectiveness engulfing me. I would visualize him telling me to not worry about these skeezy men, to stand firm and strong in his love for me, and that if anyone hurts me he will protect me and set things right. I would visualize and feel him wrapping me in a big bear hug and telling me to be the rockstar I am at work, and that I do not need any man to validate my expertise and who I am as a woman. I also visualized a big ridiculously shiney diamond wedding ring on my finger, and that it was like my “crystal light” that made any and all bad skeezy creepy men (married or not) keep away from me since it was so apparent that I am taken and completely not available. And that I had my big, beautiful, STRONG, masculine husband would easily intimidate any man, esp those who had bad intentions towards me. Before I left the house, I would imagine myself being completely wrapped in my future husband’s protective safe love, and that it would be my protective shield against unsafe men in the world.

    Let me tell you, this 100% works. Not only did this daily meditation completely change the vibe I gave off, and I became a much stronger/less needy vulnerable woman open to predatory men. But now that I’m writing this out to you, I just realized my own husband is EXACTLY the type of man I used in my meditations. My husband is incredibly protective of me, and when I was experiencing difficulty in my previous job he would tell me all the time that I am a rockstar and that I had what it took to succeed big. And even though today I am perfectly capable of protecting myself and have very strong boundaries, my husband makes it his priority to protect me and make sure I am not disrespected by other people (esp men). Just the other day I had a run-in with our neighbor when I caught him trying to discard his trash on our property, and when my husband heard how he ignored my words and treated me like “yeah I don’t care what you say. What can YOu do to stop me?” He immediately went over and set our neighbor straight and told him, “Not only did you trespass on our property, but you completely disrespected my wife. I have a HUGE problem with that and it is unacceptable to me. We want to maintain a friendly relationship with you, but if you ever disrespect my wife like that ever again, you will have a bigger problem to deal with….Me.” Our neighbor became very apologetic and I haven’t had a problem with him since. (oh and P.S. I do have a beautiful incredibly sparkly shiney diamond ring now. And the interesting part is, 99% of the people who notice it and always makes comments on it are men. (vs. my girl friends experience of mostly women commenting on it) Just like I visualized it does serve as a super effective deterrent to unwanted attention from creepy men)

    Sorry I didn’t mean to make this so long! But what I’m trying to say here is, use the pain and uncomfortableness you feel in your work situation to help you become even more clear in what you want in your future husband, and to use those difficult emotions to propel you forward in manifesting what you want to experience. All of those meditations and visualizations that Rori, Dominique, and other “experts” talk about truly works.

    If there’s anything I said that doesn’t make sense, please let me know. Just know that you are definitely not alone in what you’re going through! Lots of love — you totally got this! ((hugs))

  84.  #84Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 8:56 am

    Tereana #70
    Nice to hear you are feeling good about this
    time YOU are taking to love on you
    and process
    and mend your heart!!!

    I’m not sure if CDing when you knew he was pulling back
    is always the answer…
    I have found
    my heart learning to expand and open more
    happens when I can sit still
    and let love happen (or NOT happen)
    Whether he is able to step up

    At times when I “pull” the CDing again
    too soon
    it stops the flow of loving vibes
    I am SOOOO good at pulling back
    It is such a GOOD PRACTICE
    *IF* I can just sit…

    I think you did everything just as it
    was meant to happen!!

  85.  #85Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Shina #82
    Wow… I too use visualizations to move my life
    toward the positive results I am seeking!!!
    I have been visualizing my Mr. Right
    for a few years now…
    and he is very protective and loving and fun
    and smart and handsome… and funny!!!
    I have forgotten to visualize the ring!!
    I’m going to add that! :-))

  86.  #86Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Mandy I sooo agree with Labbit #75
    Love this!!!
    “You HAVE to STAY BEHIND HIM in terms of investment and emotions.
    As soon as you get ahead of him
    you’re chasing him,
    and the only way he can go
    is backwards.”
    “Take all of those feelings of wanting to give to him, do for him,
    hear from him,
    and put them into yourself. ”

    “Everytime the thought comes up of him,
    catch yourself and ask,
    what can I do for me right now,
    in this moment?”

  87.  #87Femininewoman on August 31, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Oh wow Shina 🙂 how powerful and enlightening 🙂 🙂

  88.  #88Mandy on August 31, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Labbit and Azure,

    Yes, it’s my anxiety that comes up. I have a special situation where anything I like I tend to obsess about, and that’s just one of my quirks. really I am not busy enough and I’m trying to stay busy. I do not feel exactly motivated at the moment because I’m dealing with going back on an anti-depressant, because well, I just can’t be off them, I turn into an emotional mess. So I guess I’ll have to ask J for help with the house and see if I can paint my toenails, go running, plan something fun when I get paid.

    I’ll tell you this though…it truly truly feels GREAT to talk to you ladies. Much love over here coming out of my heart, it’s all warm and glowing. Wow, when that happens it’s overwhelming. It’s like the Care Bear stare, lol….this beam coming out of my chest, lol. That’s what it feels like when I feel love, Universal, brotherly (or sisterly in our case), romantic, family, friend, spiritual, I feel my heart chakra BLAST open and it’s almost overwhelming. I was told by a Reiki master that my heart chakra blasts open so fast and strong that it’s remarkable. So when one of you said I am warm, you were absolutely right, because is it comes through to you over the internet, lol, it must come to people in daily life. I always need to dial my energy back. I am remembering to soak up the attention and not get too involved. He is a busy man, he has a daughter, his roommate is the mother of his daughter and she still believes in her heart they are still together but they are not, so ya, and I can’t invest myself at all, I’m too…oh, what’s a good word to use, I’m just too wrapped up in my own stuff right now.

    If I may just say, I am remembering what a pain in the bum in is right now about the texting or writing to each other over instant message. My CD Valentine is 24, quite a young one, so he’s all into just typing, which I like to do myself, because I can think of what to say, but it’s the anticipation of getting an answer, sometimes not getting one, sometimes wondering if there’s a problem, over text and messaging, it can create a lot of anxiety. I remember J was so good to me about texting me right back I was very appreciative but he just had a job, and that was it, no daughter or baby-mama-drama.

    Now I am remembering Dominique…and how we should remember his humanness. I remember one time a CD didn’t call me back when he said he would and it was just because he honest to goodness forgot. I couldn’t take it personally, he couldn’t help it, life happens. Right now I seem to be overly sensitive about it, so I’m trying to keep myself in check (being on my period and having the anti-depressant issue is not helping, lol.)

    But ah. So good to be on here. Sometimes I feel like I go into hiding from the blog and I have no clue why. There has to be a reason for it. I do that with my friends from time to time as well.

    I hope no one minds I’m getting all this out in this long ramble, lol… I feel like I’ve slipped a bit back into some old ways and need the freedom again, the wings, the Siren meadow, the talking to the Sirens, the distraction, the MEEEEEEE. Lol! I’ve been so stressed pressuring myself to break up with J that I haven’t been focusing on myself. I have this fixation on his pain. I need to get myself un-fixated and go cold on the issue.

    Okay, I feel unfocused so need focus, cleaning and going to look at some classes to get out of the apartment and do something besides ruminate, lol. 🙂

  89.  #89Tereana on August 31, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Aw…thanks, Azure! That sounds like a really forgiving way of looking at it. And I can always use more ways to be forgiving toward myself…

    Thank you!

  90.  #90Liquid Light on August 31, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    Hi Shina

    Thanks for your response. Really great as usual. I love your take on things, always so helpful! 🙂

    Its kind of a drag because part of my job is to build a rapport with the teams I work with. It just kind of goes with the territory since I work very closely with the product managers, engineers etc on working through designs typically. So I’m not sure how to handle this in the future. If I’m always on my toes about working with people in the way I’m used to, I wonder if it will impede my ability to do my job.

    On the other hand, I probably took it to far in my current situation since I went out to happy hours and stuff with him (and others). But the hitting on me vibe happened before the happy hours did anyway so I ‘m not sure….ughh.

  91.  #91Liquid Light on August 31, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    Hi Shina

    One more thing. Love your ideas around visualizing your perfect relationship/man. I should try that. It kinda scares me for some reason but I think it would really help me. Thanks again for the awesome suggestion!

  92.  #92Zia on August 31, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Lovergirl – it sounds to me like this is his way of being “in control”. By not responding and choosing to look after YOU it probably has thrown him a bit, because he has been so used to you always being there for him and/or initiating or helping him whenever he asks. So for him to hear from you or talk with you and then suddenly go “OH NO BUT I WONT RESPOND TO ANYTHING NOW” could simply be his way of asserting his control over the situation when we both know it’s rubbish 😉

    Proud of you chick!

  93.  #93Liquid Light on August 31, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    On another note, I’ve been texting with someone from a dating site. The guy is super hot and quite a bit younger ,well 6 years. Anyway, the texts are quite suggestive, and yeah, seems like he’s looking for a good time. I think I’m OK with that. He’s very funny and the banter back and forth has been so fun. I really miss having that kind of light hearted, fun exchange with someone who is playful and has sense of humor. My ex and I had that and I really miss it. So many men seem so serious. Blah.

    Of course the banter veers off into the sexual a bit too much. He’s steering it that way. He’s younger than I and wants kids so I’m not taking it too seriously. (Having kids isn’t really an option for me anymore.) I might meet him later. I hope I’m not fooling myself though thinking that I can handle it and not take it seriously. I don’t want to get hurt. On the other hand, I haven’t had any sexual charge with anyone in such a long time. Except for the nutcase at work but that was also been really taxing on me for other reasons.

    OMG, is he a cutie!!! Drool!!

  94.  #94Linda on August 31, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    I was out mowing the grass tonight. It always has been a time when I think. Mow and think.. mow and think. Sometimes I think and get angry and run all these conversations in my head .Let me tell you if some of those conversations had actually happened the persons skins would have melted off them from the shear heat of soldering words I have hurled at them. Sometimes I end up crying when I mow because of sad disappointing things that I ruminate over. It is also a time when I practice feeling messages and enjoy the outdoors too. My dogs will sit on the porch and watch me drive and I wave and call their names as I pass by.
    It is a time for me to sit with myself and work thru feelings.

    Tonight was no different my thoughts had me all over the place all the while I was shooing the over abundant bugs away from my face and slapping at mosquatos! ugh. I did find myself feeling a bit encouraged at the place I am in myself. I do wonder though, why I dont tell people just what I think to their face… instead of only in my head while I am mowing. It is a mystery to me. I will leave that for another time I guess.

  95.  #95Linda on August 31, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    I was not sure if I was going to share this but I will. I received a text message from P on this past Friday asking me if I would meet him for Breakfast? I have ignored every attempt of his contact me. It kind of felt like I was being immature. So I responded. I have had this great “closing Line” in my brain for quite some time now and I decided it was the perfect opportunity to deliver it. I said…

    Thank you for the offer but I am going to decline. When I consider everything that you have said and how things went between us , I see no reason to get together or maintain any type of contact.

    He responded… ok, I understand, enjoy your day off.. then another… “I miss you and our Fridays together… then another Maybe someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me”

    I did not respond though I have to say I felt angry. He made the reason we were not going to get together a fault of mine by being unforgiving!. I have forgiven him so many times I have literally dont remember how many times. I almost responded with… “this has nothing to with forgiveness..but everything to do you doing the same things over and over”. It causes me to just shake my head and scream WTF is wrong with you…are you bi-polar or something? You have got to be kidding! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

    I had to get this off my chest … Yes I know Rori says anger is an investment…. but he has so deeply offended me, especially with what he did the last few times. I truly truly have no little tiny morsel of me that wants anything to do with him at all . Continuing to tell me he misses me when he purposely ignored me and made reconciling impossible with all his attitudes makes me NUTS!

  96.  #96Millie on August 31, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    Labbit 75/79—

    Ah lovely siren— Thank you so much for sharing your Disappearing man story! I feel such a kinship with you and feel surrounded by loving, understanding arms. Your experience sounds so devastating as well and I can feel the yearning in your words, the hope, the sincerity.

    NO. It is NOT helping me to wallow! I want to stop, I want to feel “normal” and just plain happy with what I have. (Can I truly be content being single?) It’s not that I want M back…I think I just want to feel some sort of validation…your absolutely right though…there is no gold where my mental state is at. I want to stop feeling this way, but it is such a circle. I feel bad because I’m alone, because he left, because I have no f-ing closure, because he refuses to talk to me still, because I must be so horrible he can’t even face me, but because I feel so poorly, no one is attracted to me, and I don’t feel attracted to anyone really either, I push people away because I feel bad and people stay away because they can tell. Or at least that is my summation of the problem. It is a circle that you are correct, only I can break.

    I loved reading about how you and Tender shared your “mistakes” and how it brought you closer. I really would love that kind of relationship with someone, who can really accept and love you for all the stupid things you may have done in your past to become the person you are today. I really want to thank you for taking an interest in my plight and even after I’ve been blowing up this blog with my misery for four months since M left. It is nice to feel heard and understood.

  97.  #97Millie on August 31, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    Shina 83—

    Wow!! What an amazing post!!!
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE this visualization tool of imagining your dream guy is already present! In a way— it reminded me of ourselves, using our masculine energy to protect us in our ideal way, and therefore it attracts a “like” masculine energy. Not sure how accurate that is, but that is what I picture. I realize too…that I have been visualizing my dream guy in a very subtle, undercurrent of a way. When I feel that energy, it feels miles away…he’s on the opposite end of the Earth sifting through his own life…he feels far. Maybe if I start really picturing that what I want is here, in front of me, that energy will come closer.

  98.  #98Millie on August 31, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    In other news…I have not heard from Mechanic at all since that small debaucle, however he has announced that he is now official with the girl he was been seeing. It was all over social media today. I admit, some triggers and feelings did pop up. My first reaction was to say nothing, to completely ignore it, the second was to change my settings with him so that I wouldn’t have to see his posts. I guess, that means I do have some sort of feelings for him and had some sort of hope that he would pursue me….but those feelings were small and I feel, come from a place of neediness and wanting attention rather than sincerity. He has made his choice. I feel like I want so much distance from him right now.

    I visited my extended family over the weekend and felt really surprised at how interested people were in my life. They wanted to hear about everything and wanted to follow all of my endeavors. It made me feel unusually special and gave my achievements some notiriety, when I really hadn’t thought about it much. People came up to exclaiming how well I’m doing in a way that made me feel a bit like a celebrity, people wanted to know my life, they were interested and I could see their eyes sparkle and light up when I talked. It felt really good and gave me a new sense of reality. I feel so used to not really seeing my accomplishments as real, or as “enough”…like “I didn’t really deserve that promotion, I just got it because the girl above me quit.” Stuff like that.

    I think, I have extremely low self esteem. Echoing what Mechanic said about me a few months ago—I am more attractive and amazing than most of the women in the room, yet I don’t believe it. And he was right. I met this really attractive guy through my friend, who smiled this amazingly dashing, melt your panties smile at me…he called me beautiful…and I wrote it off because he’s an actor and probably acts like that with everyone. I feel like I don’t have a chance with him…and because I think that, I probably don’t.

    I have realized the difference because emotional and physical attraction for ME though, which is pretty great! So far, I had really only lumped them together and thought I was head over heels for someone because I felt SOMETHING. I think after being with M, I can really identify in myself, when I simply feel physically attracted to a man, and when I feel attracted to who he is, and when both are there. Knowing this, I feel more able to have casual sex and I’m feeling more open to that if the opportunity presented itself. For the first time, I’m meeting men that I don’t feel emotionally attracted to, but have wild chemistry with that makes me wonder what going to bed with them would be like, while at the same time having no desire to venture into “what if” as far as relationships go. We will see, it is kind of empowering to know the difference, even if I don’t have the confidence to really go after or “own” it yet.

  99.  #99Liquid Light on August 31, 2015 at 10:30 pm

    Just got back from the date with the cutie. Made out in the parking lot a little. OMG! I haven’t done that in years. Kind of embarrassing but fun! He’s pretty interesting. It was hard to break through the veneer – he’s got a shield up – but when we did, I saw a depth in him which was attractive. Funny how attraction to me now is so much more complex and multi-faceted (and harder to find) then it ever has been before. Sigh.

    We’ve got a running joke that he’s going to move in with me at the beginning of the month. We were joking about where he would put his stuff. It was pretty funny.

  100.  #100Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Liquid Light #99
    mmmmmm…. sounds so fun!!! ;~)

    I like and agree with your sharing of
    “how attraction to me now is
    so much more complex and multi-faceted
    (and harder to find)
    than it ever has been before.”

    Thank goodness and Thank you Rori…

    Because now I have a better understanding
    of all the complexities
    and all the different components
    which will make for a good partnership for me
    I can date men… consider their good points
    and their not so good points
    and have a better feeling and intuition
    of what MIGHT work or
    will NOT work for me!!!

  101.  #101Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 10:48 pm

    Liquid Light…
    Lovely, hot Siren…
    I’m wondering what you said or did
    which helped your young cutie
    break through his veneer?

  102.  #102Azure Blu on August 31, 2015 at 10:56 pm

    sooo amazing that P is wanting to put the blame
    on YOU…
    for things NOT working out
    But then that is what he has always done…
    I am impressed with your answer to him
    and with your resolve to NEVER
    go down that road again

    Can you block his number?
    I know I can do that on my phone…

    I believe when we decide to give ourselves
    the luxury of trying a relationship
    one more time…
    and discovering that
    no matter how much WE have changed
    the man is NOT for us
    We can walk away
    with confidence
    Knowing we gave it our all…

  103.  #103Victoria on September 1, 2015 at 12:07 am

    When I read your post about P. saying that he hopes maybe some day you will be able to forgive him this triggers memories of my own situation when I was having a fight in writing with F. and at a certain point he would say something like “do you think you could forgive me” and I got so mad because I was thinking “maybe I could, if you would f*cken apologize, you dic*head” and now, looking back, he was actually apologizing, right there and then, these were his words of apology, he was saying “could you forgive me” instead of “I apologize” but I always took it too literally. Being able to truly repent in order to get forgiveness is very challenging to men… to all people probably.
    I think in your case P. is also trying to apologize to you… in his own, possibly lame way, but, even without knowing him, I can kind of guess that he is not set out to hurt you again, he wants to make things better, he wants to make amends. Now, it is a totally different matter whether you want to do that, maybe yes, maybe no, but I felt it was important for me to share this with you.

  104.  #104Indigo on September 1, 2015 at 2:24 am


    I too think P is trying to apologise to you. Dominique has written extensively on this subject – on the ways men apologise and express themselves, which may not look at all like our ways. What Victoria says is so true – men find it very challenging to apologise directly, as do many people.

    P is not in a place to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, maybe he never will be, who knows, but I too can feel the, perhaps ineffective, way he is trying to make amends through his words. I have been there. Feeling as if I have unintentionally hurt someone I love through my damage, and wanting so much for them to know how much I care and how much I don’t want them to hurt any more.

    Of course the choice of what to do always remains yours, but I have found that these things lose power and just tend to flow away more easily when we soften towards them. Just a thought. Love to you

  105.  #105Victoria on September 1, 2015 at 4:28 am

    How are you dearest?
    I read that you broke with BikeCD, I did not dare to comment so far. I understand that you did not want to speak too much about it, I did not feel like talking about me breaking up with F. either, as this is a very personal decision and has some very valid reasons that I could not properly put into words so I shy away from such topics.
    I was a little worried about you when you said that you had a short lunch with D. some time ago, I was worried (for lack of better words) that your decision to break up with Bike might be somehow related. Not in a direct way, but by rekindling some bitterness and unwillingness to put of with compromise-type of situations.
    In short, how have you been?

  106.  #106Victoria on September 1, 2015 at 4:28 am

    How are you dearest?
    I read that you broke with BikeCD, I did not dare to comment so far. I understand that you did not want to speak too much about it, I did not feel like talking about me breaking up with F. either, as this is a very personal decision and has some very valid reasons that I could not properly put into words so I shy away from such topics.
    I was a little worried about you when you said that you had a short lunch with D. some time ago, I was worried (for lack of better words) that your decision to break up with Bike might be somehow related. Not in a direct way, but by rekindling some bitterness and unwillingness to put of with compromise-type of situations.
    In short, how have you been?

  107.  #107Femininewoman on September 1, 2015 at 4:41 am

    Linda maybe I would just have responded “sigh!! I have forgiven you so many times I have lost count. Just continues to confirm the reason the relationship CAN’T work. You can’t hear me and I need to be heard”.

  108.  #108Indigo on September 1, 2015 at 8:31 am


    Thank you 🙂 your concern feels very good indeed <3


    "I understand that you did not want to speak too much about it, I did not feel like talking about me breaking up with F. either, as this is a very personal decision and has some very valid reasons that I could not properly put into words so I shy away from such topics."

    is very accurate. I am largely fine after my break up with Bike – a new experience for me, usually I am pretty raw for a few weeks after. But I felt at peace about this decision from the next morning. If I am very honest, I enjoyed my relationship with Bike, I especially enjoyed the attention and the future talking – something I had been hungry for after D, and I think I really just allowed myself to get swept up in it because it felt so good. When he started to be so absorbed in his work, like a man on a mission, I had a chance to see the real man and much of the adoration evaporated with the busyness, and I no longer wanted to continue. I can only be with a super busy man if I really adore him, and unfortunately there were things with Bike that I just didn't see working, different values for one thing and that is pretty important to me.

    You were probably wise to be concerned about me having had lunch with D, but I am ok… I am in no danger of going back to him. I truly see where he is at in his life and I am content to let him stay there. In an indirect way maybe breaking up with Bike had something to do with D in that I don't think I'm ready for the big commitment yet – I still have a little emotional unavailability but I'm working through it.

  109.  #109Millie on September 1, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Indigo, I’m curious how Bike took the breakup?

  110.  #110Indigo on September 1, 2015 at 9:27 am


    He’d seen it coming because we’d had a few conversations by then, so he knew how I felt about things.

    He also felt, and repeatedly said, that the timing wasn’t right and that I deserved better. He knew he was going through a serious transition with his business and that it might take some time before he had more time/energy, but that it needed his full focus right now. He wanted to still see me from time to time and remain friends.

  111.  #111Azure Blu on September 1, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Victoria and Indigo…
    Very interesting for me to read
    the different ways in which men/people
    DO apologize…
    I’m so literal (Virgo)
    I need to hear the word…

    Actually I asked Spirit ” I need to hear an apology
    before I can continue talking to you.”
    He did apologize MANY times…
    That made me feel much better

  112.  #112Azure Blu on September 1, 2015 at 10:33 am

    Darling Sirens,
    My 64th birthday is tomorrow!! :-))
    I do get a tightening in my stomach
    typing the number out…
    I guess I need to explore why that is happening!! ???

    Anyway… RM wanted to take me out for my birthday
    and I told him I would let him know…

    I thought about what I REALLY wanted for my birthday and realized
    I want to take a day trip (2.5 hr drive) to Lake Michigan
    and hangout on the beach
    and in the water alllllll day!!!
    Get VERY sandy
    and lots of sun
    and the sound of that wonderful Lake…

    sooo… I asked if he would like to take me…
    he was VERY enthusiastic…
    rearranged his work
    schedule to make it work –
    and we’re leaving tomorrow at 9:00 am!!!

    I’m sooo happy!!

    He is so accommodating,
    easy to hang out with,
    eager to do things I like!!

    I am having MUCH fun with him!!!

    I am noticing many qualities that are partnership worthy!!!
    how lovely!!!

  113.  #113Dominique on September 1, 2015 at 10:56 am

    AzureBlu – In case I don’t have the opportunity tomorrow, wishing you a beautifully AMAZING, warm and cozy, spicy and fabulous, whatever you wish for and then some birthday, tomorrow, all week, and the rest of the month and year!!!

    Love to you.


  114.  #114Azure Blu on September 1, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Thank you for your warm birthday vibrations
    coming toward my heart!!!
    They fill me up!
    love you!

  115.  #115Liquid Light on September 1, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Hi Azure

    Yeah, it was really fun. But I think I blew it. I haven’t heard from him and don’t really expect to.

    I’m pretty excited about my job search and where I see my career going. I was talking to him about my vision and I could tell he kinda seemed a bit checked out or something. This coupled with the fact that he’s stressed out about his work and the future of his career probably has something to do with it.

    Oh well, doesn’t look like I’m going to get laid after all…LOL

  116.  #116Liquid Light on September 1, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Oh my gosh, Happy Birthday Azure! Woohooo!

    I hope you have a wonderful birthday! Age is just a number. I know its a cliche but its true. Your vibe and energy that I get from you here is of an eternally youthful joyous beautiful soul!

  117.  #117Sassy on September 1, 2015 at 3:19 pm


    I hope you have THE ABSOLUTE HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS!!! Woohooooooo

    My big #60 is on the 22, so I’m a Virgo too. I definitely fit the profile!!!

    I hope you have a wonderful birthday date.

    Let us all know how it goes.

    Love love love you

  118.  #118Shina on September 1, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Liquid Light, Azure Blu, Femininewoman, Labbit, and Millie:

    Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments! 🙂 It feels so great to bond with my Siren sisters again! 🙂

    Has anyone heard of “the Law of Attraction” (LOA) — anyone subscribe to its practices? When I first heard about it, I used to think it was very “new agey woo-woo” and never did any visual meditations. But today, I am now a firm believer in it and know that we absolutely have the power to manifest what it is we desire.

    The key to manifesting what it is that you want is you must use meditation/visualizations to get very clear on what it is that you truly desire and to have your actions line up to the belief that you already have what you want and to live as if it’s already happened to you. But the key missing link to why LOA does not work for most people and they go on for years never manifesting what they want is — it’s NOT enough to simply think positive thoughts. Your whole mind, body, emotions, etc. must also be involved in it. And in order to do that you must immerse yourself in power visualizations where you can see, feel, sense, smell, etc. exactly what it is you want and to keep those feelings with you as much as possible as if what you want has already happened to you. Without doing the meditations and visualizations, you will not be able to use LOA to attract/manifest your dreams.

    A good example of this is: Let’s say you have a desire to have lots of money and to live on financial abundance. To use LOA you visualize and meditate in as much detail as possible, exactly what it would be like to have a lot of money in your life right now. Now you can’t just imagine that huge never-ending pile of cash just magically appeared on your kitchen table and now you can use as much as you want. Instead, a better visual would be you dreaming of having a career or work that is an expression your soul and it helps a lot of people, and while you’re doing your passion it also brings you tremendous financial abundance at the same time. Really imagine being able to wake-up everyday and how great it would feel being able to get out of bed eager to get your day started and when you’re working it doesn’t feel like work at all but rather time just flies by. Imagine in detail how you would like to spend your time and day (are you working with clients, writing, or working with animals, travelling, etc). Also imagine how it would feel to truly be able to share your special gifts and talents with the world, and at the same time, you see the numbers in your bank account continually rising every day that you never have to worry about being able to pay your bills or being able to afford whatever it is you want.

    Once you have done this, that vibe/happy feeling you have is something you must try to carry with you all throughout your day. I know the reality of every day life will take over, but try to trigger yourself by re-visiting your visualization to evoke those feelings of what it’s like to live in financial abundance regardless of how much money you have right now. A great example of this is, when I first started using LOA I was flat broke and was on a very meager budget. So when I used to go to the grocery store I didn’t have much and could only afford the bare essentials (some weeks not even that). Now let me tell you, I am a health nut and LOVE Whole Foods/buying organic high-end products. But as anyone who shops as Whole Foods know that high-end organic products are very very expensive and I definitely could not afford this at the time. It was very easy to go back into a state of “lack” and feeling depressed/stressed at how little money I had to buy anything. But instead of falling into that state of scarcity, what I would do (and still do) is to buy the smallest organic item I could actually afford (It was usually an organic apple or banana) and then give gratitude that I could afford that one small item and then visualize how great it feels if I was financially abundant and could afford as many organic apples and bananas I wanted. My act of faith to the Universe that I am serious about living in abundance and being able to buy and feed myself wholesome organic grown food, was me buying the organic item I could afford rather than telling myself, “why waste money?!” or “sigh that sucks I’m poor, it feels like I’ll never be able to afford the type of food I want….” And giving gratitude for what I did have — that I could afford at least that one organic apple and being happy when I ate it (that I was “living” my dream of feeding myself organic food) while visualizing at the same time that I actually could afford as many organic apples, etc as I want because I had financial abundance.

    Now I know this might sound crazy to most people (please let me know if I lost you in my detailed description above) but I can assure you this truly works. I was in pretty desperate dire straits when I started to do this, and the financial wealth I have now to where I started from is substantial. I have used this to manifest my dream wedding (I had TWO! and my husband and I had NO savings when we first began our wedding planning), to getting jobs where I got paid exactly the amount I wanted/needed but was at first told the pay rate I requested was impossible to have & that I needed to lower my expectations, and to now where currently my husband and my business took off this year where I do not need to work a traditional job and I get to stay home (this was a huge one for me). But the biggest one for me is, having the incredible beyond my wildest dreams loving/intimate FUN marriage and relationship I have with my husband. And seriously, it gets better every day.

    I used to believe that in life, we have to struggle, suffer, and be a strong achiever who fights for what we want and to go out and make things happen. I have learned from being a long time RR follower (almost 10 years) and implementing the LOA that we do not need to use such a masculine over-functioning way to have what we want — but rather we can use our feminine energy in a powerful way to magnetize people, opportunities, money, etc. TO us. And let me tell you, using the feminine way is SO much more fun and such an amazing journey. My husband at the very beginning thought I was kinda “nuts” and a bit out there when I shared these principles with him. He didn’t believe anything I shared with him and thought my imagination was too “strong” and I lived in some weird fantasy land. But after seeing so much evidence where I continually keep getting EXACTLY what I want (or it’s even better than what I originally wanted, never worse) he has become a convert. He will tell our family and friends that “Yeah my wife Shina always gets exactly what she wants in life. It’s almost like the Universe or whatever out there really loves her. It’s like she has a charmed life! I can’t explain how stuff like this keeps happening to her.”

    I’m so sorry my posts are so long! But I am truly grateful I get to share a bit of my journey with my beautiful Siren sisters — thank you! ((Lots of Hugs and Love))

  119.  #119Shina on September 1, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Happy Birthday Azure Blu!!!!

    May this new year of your life be more wonderful and filled with more joy, love, adventure, and abundance than ever before. I hope you have an amazing day filled with much happiness and feelings of being loved & cherished for the awesome person that you are! 🙂 xoxoxo

  120.  #120April Rose on September 1, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Here’s wishing you a beautiful birthday full of yummy girly goddessy feelings and joy.
    Have a scrumptious day, dear lady xxxx

  121.  #121Linda on September 1, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Azure.. I hope you have an absolutely FANTABULOUS B’Day!!


  122.  #122Linda on September 1, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    I appreciate the different perspectives on P’s communication. Over the time I have known him he a very predictable behavior pattern. I do believe he is feels sorry for things he says and does.. but not enough to stop repeating it. Indigo you are so right ! He just is not in a place to have a healthy relationship.

    FW .. you are right too. No matter how I tried.. he just did not hear me and I am finished talking. In the deepest part of me I feel no attraction to him. In a way I can look at how he handled thing between us as a gift. It gave me a chance to see that nothing about him “fits” I dunno maybe I am experiencing what Dominique talks about. There has been healing in my heart.. and he is not able to join me in it.

    P feels like a “bull in my china shop”. He always has it is that I just have zero tolerance for tantrums and and pouting and drama now.

  123.  #123Kim on September 1, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Just checking in to say ‘happy happy birthday’ dear Azure…and I am loving your plans with the CD!
    Have a fabulous time!

  124.  #124Tereana on September 1, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    I am loving this “it’s not about me” tool. I am finding it can be applicable in so many situations! Wow!

    And ironically, when you discover that other people’s actions and other people’s stuff is not about you – you actually get to focus more on what IS about you. I’m still working on this. But it feels like a good start

  125.  #125Tereana on September 1, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Happy Birthday, Azure Blu! 🙂 I love your presence on the blog. You help make this place sparkle! : ) ✨

  126.  #126Millie on September 1, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Shina 118–
    Thank you so much for sharing this! I realize that I actually do visualize my future without really being conscious of it. I want to bring it to the surface and really feel clear and present on my goals. I also love this approach so much more than other techniques. I have been doing a form of it for awhile and also have a pretty charmed life when I comes to A LOT of things. I’m a go getter and I know what I want, I do what I want. Not necessarily when it comes to men though, but I think using this meditation/visualization could really help. I know the other sirens have suggested it before as well, but your story really hit it home for me.

  127.  #127Mandy on September 1, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Ack. I feel terribly urgent about Valentine, he usually chats with me but he is online and isn’t messaging me. What do I do?

  128.  #128Femininewoman on September 1, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    Happy Happy 🙂 🙂 birthday Ms. Azure

  129.  #129Indigo on September 1, 2015 at 11:17 pm

    Happy Birthday Azure Blu!! 🙂

    I’m not sure what time it is in your part of the world, but I hope you have a happy, magical day xx

  130.  #130Indigo on September 1, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    Mandy 127,

    Valentine is the one who has a child and lives with the mother of his child, and is 10 years younger than you, right? Yeah…. I’m not sure if you can see it from the outside but this so doesn’t look like a good place to me for you to be putting your energy and worrying.

    If you can, enjoy the attention when it comes to you, but otherwise, step away from the keyboard and go do something else 🙂

  131.  #131Victoria on September 2, 2015 at 12:56 am

    Very Happy Birthday to you!
    Always keep this bright and sun-shiny spirit of yours!
    I am so excited for your wonderful birthday date!
    Please come back after it at let us know all the juicy details!

  132.  #132Sami Wunder on September 2, 2015 at 2:37 am

    # Shina, 118

    I felt compelled to chime in after reading your words.

    LOVE every word of what you say and believe in it with all my heart !!!! As a love and relationship coach, happily married, I live LOA on a daily basis and I find myself increasingly surrounded by opportunities, dreams coming true and abundance materializing in my life in a happy, effortless, fluid sort of way. I practice LOA meditation even for the kind of clients I want to attract into my life and believe it or not, I am attracting healthier, emotionally available, ready for change, motivated women more and more. In fact, the beauty of it all is that LOA helps filter out the stuff / people / that no longer serve you in an organic way, hence making space for the better stuff in your life.

    Thank you for sharing your vibrant, positive, uplifting energy. I can feel it from miles away and it makes me smile to spot a fellow siren.

    I whole heartedly recommend LOA to everyone.

    Sami Wunder

  133.  #133Azure Blu on September 2, 2015 at 3:44 am

    Lovely, Lovely Sirens!!!
    How wonderful to wake up this morning and see all your Warm, sunshiny happy birthday messages!!!
    I feel sooo much love and acceptance and support
    from each and everyone!!!
    I love you all and cherish this blog!!

    I am leaving this morning and will carry your joyful vibrations with me on my birthday adventure!!

  134.  #134Labbit on September 2, 2015 at 4:02 am

    Happy Birthday Azure!!!! 🙂

  135.  #135Azure Blu on September 2, 2015 at 4:31 am

    Aww… thanks Labbit!!!

  136.  #136Millie on September 2, 2015 at 8:25 am

    Happy Birthday beautiful Azure!!! Hope you have a wonderful day!!!

  137.  #137Lovergirl on September 2, 2015 at 8:28 am

    Happy Birthday Azure!!! Hope it is a wonderful one!! 🙂

  138.  #138Dominique on September 2, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Any California Goddesses here? I feel SO delighted, thrilled, beyond yummy to announce that at long last, we will be moving back and in the next three to four weeks!!! Redondo Beach area…


  139.  #139Sapphire on September 2, 2015 at 10:48 am

    Have a Wonderful Birthday Azure – enjoy your Birthday date to Lake Michigan

    Love Sapphire x

  140.  #140Millie on September 2, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    I live in Southern California! Welcome back Dominique!!

  141.  #141Dominique on September 2, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Thank you Millie!!! <3 xxoo

  142.  #142Femininewoman on September 2, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    Awww Dominique. We east coast girls will miss you but we know you prefer to be there. Love you.

  143.  #143Femininewoman on September 2, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Happy Birthday Lady Azure

  144.  #144Millie on September 2, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    So I fell asleep last night thinking about visualizations and allowing myself to “go there” visualizing the life and person I want and how I want to feel in my life. I think I have been resisting doing this because it triggers me to cry, to long for the part I lost. I tried to push myself beyond stopping at that tightening, that urge to cry, to go beyond that point into really immersing and feeling what I am and what I want. It’s scary because it triggers me into feeling like what if I fail again, what happened to him, my mind going in circles around him and what happened. I have to mentally choose to take the focus off him and stop stabbing myself over and over. I think it was Labbit who told me to take M with me on my horse, and now I see what she meant by that. M is a part of my future as much as he is my past.

    I dreamt about him last night, probably because my subconscious was visualizing as I fell asleep. In the dream he came back, and I took him back. In the dream I felt his arms around me, I smelled him, it felt so painfully real. He took me to have lunch with his parents and that is when he began to grow distant again. He told me he often tells people what he loves about them because he is afraid of actually loving someone as a person, so he focused on traits or aspects about them rather than the whole person. In the dream he told me he was scared of love. I understood and began to drift away myself… Until I found myself at the stable in early morning, surrounded by people I love and immersed in a hobby I love. And it was as if he didn’t phase me, my life went on, I literally got back on the horse and kept going. He wasn’t there.

    I woke up today really feeling good about where thigs are at with me… Like I can have everything I want. I feel committed to my goals. There is nothing standing in my way of having them. And if I let myself feel like I already have what I want, I let myself bask in loves past and present, I can be fully here and fully committed and fully “in” my life. If thst makes sense. There really isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t be able to accomplish what I want, and attract what I want and be who I want. No reason at all. I 100% see now, how M was a stepping stone to greater things. Things that are in the works but haven’t occurred yet.

  145.  #145Femininewoman on September 2, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    Aww Shina your words feel like like luscious juicy fruits in my heart, tender loving embrace in my heart and a cool breeze across my face. I felt the doors of my heart fly open just reading your words about LOA. I believe in it but don’t practice it consistently enough. You have truly inspired me with your last two posts about visualization.

  146.  #146Sapphire on September 2, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Yay Millie
    A shift I feel
    Sapphire x

  147.  #147Tereana on September 2, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    I was a California siren when I “met” Rori. I don’t love there now, but people always ask me if I am “from” there. So I guess I kind of am now. So glad you get to move back, Dominique! 🙂

  148.  #148Tereana on September 2, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    *live there now 😉

  149.  #149IamHIs on September 2, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    Having such a rough night.

    I feel so conflicted.

    confused, and sad and angry and piney.

    I feel all stopped up and I don’t know which emotion to feel first or how to feel it.

    A few tears come and then the anger stops the tears. and then I feel apathy and then I go back to sadness and then anger.

    It’s just this cycle, but it is as though I can’t feel any one emotion deeply enough to move past any of them!!!

    This feels so frustrating!!!!

  150.  #150IamHis on September 2, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    Even though I don’t feel like I felt anything very deeply, my head hurts…but I feel better. Lighter…

  151.  #151Mandy on September 2, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Well, I am trying so much to pull away, lol. But I am so curious and I want to know what goes on, but it seems I MUST remember to lean back, to do my own thing and listen to Rori and Dominique and the rest of the Sirens.

    I will challenge myself to start a class, get back to the gym, and just be busy.

    The Wellbutrin medicine change isn’t helping my anxiety and sadness but I’ll bounce back, and possibly go back into Siren mode, and find something to do I love, which would be awesome.

    Something to do….

  152.  #152Mandy on September 2, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    I also wonder how I can truly fulfill myself. Today I thought, hmm, pedicure, then I just got so bored and depressed about it not seeming to be satisfying, I just sighed and decided not to go.

  153.  #153Azure Blu on September 3, 2015 at 6:42 am

    FeminineW, Saphire, Millie, Lovergirl and all
    For the warm, heart melting Birthday wishes!!

    I had a wonderful day at the beach with RM
    He is SOOOO easy to travel with…
    goes with the flow… like me…
    Doesn’t get too hung up on any one thing that
    doesn’t go rite.
    He isn’t as physically fit as I thought…
    Had a difficult time walking in the sand…
    But kept hanging in there…
    Brought me a BIG bouquet of flowers
    my favorite wine for the beach… a picnice lunch
    Just sooo FUN
    THE weather was perfect… the water was the perfect temp and we hung out on the beach for 5 hours
    and then went to a little town on the shore (well it’s not so little anymore)
    and hung out to watch the sunset…
    Ohhhh… I feel so relaxed and cared for
    Such a sweet, thoughtful, sexy man!!
    I’m liking this!! :-))
    Certainly out of my comfort zone!

  154.  #154Azure Blu on September 3, 2015 at 6:53 am

    (((Millie) #144
    Ohhh… I love your dream!!!
    Such great insights into M and what he might be
    filling and thinking…

    Sounds like visualizing is working so Quickly for you!

    I do remember when I started my deep visualizing
    of Mr. Right
    I did have to push through lots of uncomfortable
    It was like my little girl was throwing a tantrum
    and told me I didn’t deserve a man
    this nice, thoughtful, smart, kind, strong and sexy!!!
    Just typing this I can feel her still
    sitting in the background saying exactly that!!
    i will give her much love, kindness and attention

  155.  #155Labbit on September 3, 2015 at 8:02 am

    152 Mandy — Sometimes I feel this way too, like hmm I really should be taking care of myself and making myself feel happy, but every option I think of sounds like settling instead of what I really want (contact from him, let’s be honest). I have found that if I make myself do the “settling” option anyway, I feel much better afterwards. Food for thought…

    One thing I am learning via my sister’s dating experiences right now is how much of a relationship-killer expectations can be. Like her, I used to get way too invested in a promising dating candidate. For me it would be fantasies about our next date, or future down the line, that kind of thing. For some people I know these kind of visualizations can be powerful, helpful things! For me the issue was instead of visualizing the feelings I wanted and the general result, instead I was laser-focused on the one guy I was dating and then those turned in to expectations of how fast things would move and what he would do for me. And then I couldn’t help but be disappointed in real life.

    I’m mentioning this because it seems relevant…and you’d be much better served by dropping any and all expectations, fantasies, whatever, and let him surprise and delight you at every turn. Because I’m sure he wants to! 🙂 Expectations are like heavy, dark energy that weigh his desires down. Let go of all of them…

  156.  #156Labbit on September 3, 2015 at 8:04 am

    144 Millie — This sounds so great!! Yes yes take him on your horse and let him tag along as long as you need him to. I can think of funny moments where I’d be making out with a guy, and it was like my previous guy was there with us, and I made it a fun game of pretending like it was a threesome. 😉 Or I’d imagine my ex in the shower handing me my shampoo, us both naked but in a rather amusing, non-sexual way. Like oh hey you’re in the shower with me, this is kinda weird but I’m going with it!!

  157.  #157Labbit on September 3, 2015 at 8:05 am

    153 Azure — !!!! That is all I have to say, what a delight. 🙂

  158.  #158Azure Blu on September 3, 2015 at 9:36 am

    11 yrs ago my fiance died
    Having NEVER experienced much depression in my life
    I always dismissed people that were on anti-depressants as
    They just Aren’t trying hard enough!!

    Well… life has a way of showing things and
    teaching you kindness and empathy…
    I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown…
    feeling like I was going to loose my mind…
    My lovely therapist put me on several different
    anti deptressants…
    and the one that worked the best for me for 3 years (fortunately I don’t need them now)
    was Welbutrin!!
    Of course we are all different.. hope it works as well for you as it did for me…
    I still felt very sad and continued seeing her for 3 more years several times a week… but
    the Welbutrin brought me back to feeling more like myself!!
    huggs darling siren!!

  159.  #159Azure Blu on September 3, 2015 at 10:17 am

    Labbit #156
    Sooo cute!!! Ohhh… the fun I have
    alll IN MY MIND!! ;~)

  160.  #160Mandy on September 3, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    Labbit, very very true, I do like to do these things, and coupled with situational depression, ANYTHING is going to sound boring. And thanks Azure for the hugs! It’s weird having your emotional intuition be WAY off!

    But hey, I have some good news, I have bean leaning back all day, went to my Psychiatrist, wrote a speech with him to J about how I feel, came home, attacked the NASTY dishes that had been piling up on account of my self pity lol, and then danced to some music and now I’m here.

    What I feel/think/see is this, Yes, I feel powerless and a little lonely at times, because I’m under J’s thumb, and Valentine soothes me a lot, but right now he happens to just have had his wisdom teeth pulled and on top of that has been feeling depressed himself probably because he’s also under someone’s thumb.

    Here’s my lesson on being honest with J, and then leaning back from Valentine because the last thing he needs is a nag. I just have this part of my mind that goes into overdrive (The Obsessive-Compulsive part) that freaks out and goes OH GOD YOU’VE SCREWED UP ENOUGH ALREADY, because he’s been basically paying attention to every little thing I do for like a month, then now since he is feeling down and got his teeth pulled he hasn’t been paying any attention at all, not even talking to me, or responding, and I feel so bad when that happens, I immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s because I screwed up royally with him in any number of ways and he’ll never want to see me again. Which I realize sounds very funny when I write it out, lol, but it seems absolutely real in my mind.

    Anyway, so I haven’t tried to contact him today, even though we’re both online and at our keyboards. I have no idea why he won’t speak to me, he says he notices he’s been responding to me less lately since he’s felt depressed, and then yesterday he got his teeth out. Here’s the thing. I can’t blame the guy for not talking much when he feels awful…I know I talk even when I feel awful because it makes me feel better, but not everyone is like that all the time, even me. I clam up sometimes too. Once when I hadn’t called G in a few days he called me up and asked, “Didja forget about me?” in a flirtatious manner, which obviously meant he likes my attention and chatting and missed it.

    Expecting someone to chat with you a lot every day might be a little much for some. Especially with the heavy flirting, lol. Sometimes you need a break.

    I have to say it feels WEIRD not talking to him or saying hello, very very weird. It’s like there’s this awkward silence in a room or like just awkward as hell. But I’m holding the space and for some reason i kind of feel like snickering or giggling, because the silence is so awkward it’s a little funny to me. I guess that’s not so bad, lol. I find very surprising things funny. I just feel like, what the hell, lol, why am I holding this space, I shouldn’t have to, this is ridiculous, yet I am still holding it, because it’s just a turn of habits…which we’ve learned is good when the going gets tough.

    I hope I can come here to the blog when I feel weird, like I need to say hello to him. Ugh. What a weird cycle of behavior to be locked into.

  161.  #161Mandy on September 3, 2015 at 10:10 pm


  162.  #162Millie on September 4, 2015 at 1:46 am

    Labbit 156– hahah!!!! That’s not what I was thinking at all!! But your imagery cracked me up! A threesome! So interesting. I was thinking more along the lines that he’s the base of what I’m looking for, the feelings he created…following that to guide me.

    I miss him everyday. Although it feels easier to say goodbye..: even though I still get teary when I drive though his area or see/hear things that remind me of him.

  163.  #163Millie on September 4, 2015 at 2:00 am

    Sooo speaking of men coming back…
    I am meeting a guy tomorrow night that I dated 10 years ago, when we were just 18! It ended horribly and regrettably I hurt him badly. He refused to speak to me for years and even after that it was minimal and polite in passing. Well, he was at a family function a few weeks ago and it finally seemed as if the lid came off the pot. Anyway, he asked me to meet him for a drink, picked a place he thinks I will love. I’m not sure what to expect at all!! But I’m feeling very sireny after my dream and having entered this world of visualization. I feel free of the burden I was forcing myself to carry.

  164.  #164Millie on September 4, 2015 at 2:01 am

    ((Mandy)) how do you feel after breaking it off?

  165.  #165Waterfall on September 4, 2015 at 3:06 am

    Hi Sirens! Just wanted to stop by and say hello…

    Happy Birthday Azure!!!
    Sounds like you had a brilliant time with RM 🙂


  166.  #166Leela on September 4, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Indigo, thank you for response, however I didn’t mean that Lovegirl should hope that she and her ex will get back together. And sometimes it’s really simply not our match and sometimes it is us who pushed a man away. Sometimes we must be brave enough and say yes I did this and that that didn’t work and SIMPLY learn from it without any regrets or hoping that if we change he will return back… If we REALLY pull back and change our vibe and he’s not coming back he wasn’t a match and if we do CDing properly we won’t care anyway, if he does come back then we have a choice. There’s a huge difference between needing and choosing!

    And I so believe in messages and that every man that comes into our lives has something to teach us. And not just men, I am now paying attention to anything that triggers me either in a positive or negative way. I think anyone around us are constantly giving us some clues about what else we need to learn to unleash our true selves and overcome our inner and even outer issues. The more messages I catch the more I learn about myself and become more able to correct my negative patterns of thinking, doing, responding etc, it’s like I’m peeling layers and layers off from my heart. Feels amazing to get closer and closer to my heart and true self.

  167.  #167Leigha Lake on September 4, 2015 at 7:50 am

    Leela – 166 – This is simply beautiful and full of wisdom! I love it!!!

    Love, Leigha

  168.  #168Indigo on September 4, 2015 at 9:46 am

    Leela 166,

    I absolutely love what you have said here! Especially this:
    “if he does come back then we have a choice. There’s a huge difference between needing and choosing!”

    and this:
    “it’s like I’m peeling layers and layers off from my heart. Feels amazing to get closer and closer to my heart and true self.”

    This is how I feel at the moment. I feel as if I am moving ever closer to the core of my heart, to who I truly am at core, stripping away the things, particularly worry and anxiety, that cover over who I really am. It feels so wonderful these days to have times when I just feel all of who I am in all my glory. In those moments it doesn’t seem to matter what mistakes I’ve made, just that I’m moving closer to happiness.

    For instance, I have no, or very little, stress related to my work right now. It’s not very lucrative, and I don’t have a lot of money, but I have enough to provide for my needs and to make myself happy and comfortable enough, and I come home from work each day feeling as light as a feather. I know that it took many trials and experiences and stripping away of what doesn’t work to get to this point. And even though I often feel lonely, I have this deep down absolutely rock solid belief that I will find my love when the time is right. Just these two things alone have brought me to such a beautiful place within myself. Getting to the purest, most innocent, most joyful part of myself.

    I really wanted to share that. So thank you, your comment was the perfect jumping board for me to do that.

  169.  #169Azure Blu on September 4, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Sweet Siren,
    Thank you thank you for the Bday wishes!!!
    Yes, it was a BRILLIANT time! :-))
    still smiling and savoring the sunshiny bright memories!!

  170.  #170Liquid Light on September 4, 2015 at 11:14 am

    Millie 163 – that sounds very intriguing!

    Azure – so glad your date went well. Sounds like a blast! 🙂

    I am interviewing for a very competitive job. I passed the first two interviews. Now I’m progressing to the next round. Yikes, exciting and nerve wracking. The interviewer asked me a tough question today which I wasn’t prepared for and I stumbled a little.

    I’m worried that it will happen again when I go in for the group interview/presentation. I feel like I’m qualified except for in the one area which she honed in on. Acckkk. :S

  171.  #171Valarie O'Ryan on September 4, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    Dominique – Welcome back to “my” side of the country! I’m thrilled to have you near…:-)


  172.  #172Azure Blu on September 4, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    Indigo #168
    Yayayayayay!!! this is pure loveliness to read
    I feel comfort and joy reading this:

    “And even though I often feel lonely,
    I have this deep down absolutely rock solid belief
    that I will find my love
    when the time is just right.”

    I want to feel that also… I am meditating and
    visualizing this now!! :~>

  173.  #173Dominique on September 4, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    Thank you Feminiewoman for missing (would love to see you before I go. I’ve been on LI during the week for the past two months and will be for another three weeks, might make it easier) How is your body feeling? Back to Zumba yet?

    Thank you Millie and Valarie for the welcome. I feel more and more excited every day. I’m going home yet will be living over the hill where I haven’t lived before, only the Valley and Simi.


  174.  #174KIm on September 5, 2015 at 4:59 am

    I totally understand what you are saying. What about the nice guy who’s been at a disadvantage and has had horrible things happen to him. His mother was 14 yrs old. when had him, the first of eight kids. At the age of three, his grandmother was murdered while he and a sibling were in the room next door. Never getting counseling for the murder.. He started getting into so small trouble and ran away from him when he was 14.
    He got his GED in prison ( Non Violent criminal) and is really bright, kind, thoughtful,
    How do you give your man advice??? Currently hes looking for work.

  175.  #175Azure Blu on September 5, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Wonderful Siren
    Sooo happy for you and the next step
    you and K are taking in your Life!!!
    You sound VERY excited and happy! :~>

  176.  #176Femininewoman on September 5, 2015 at 11:13 am

    No Dominique, no zumba yet. You think I can start already? Still feeling some soreness in the hip. Went for a very long walk today and it was talking to me by the end.

  177.  #177Leela on September 6, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Thank you Leigha and Indigo!! What I love about being on this blog is how other women keep reminding me that I’m on the right track!

    Lots of love xoxo

  178.  #178Cassy on September 8, 2015 at 10:09 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve been having a bit of a dilemma and I’m hoping to get your advice. I’m 26 years old and I met an awesome guy on Tinder almost 2 months ago I believe. We’ve been on quite a few dates and have slept together on numerous occasions. 2 weeks ago I went on a week long vacation out of the country and the night before I left, he came over to my house for dinner and to hang out with myself and my friends. We kissed goodbye at the end of the night and he asked me when I would be back and I told him. I hadn’t heard from him while I was gone for most of my trip and I sent him a text on a Thursday asking if his parents made it in safe (they were visiting from out of town). He didn’t respond to me until Saturday night. I felt disrespected that he took 2 days to get back to me so I didn’t respond to him. I might note that I do have my “read” receipts on so he can see when I read texts. I think it bothered him that I didn’t respond because he then sent another text to me Sunday night and I then responded. I’ve been home for a week and a half and haven’t heard a peep from him since. I’m “leaning back” and not reaching out to him first but I’m not sure if I should be cutting my ties with him at this point. Does him not reaching out to me for so long mean that he isn’t interested anymore? I thought he was a really great catch and we had fun together but I’m not sure what happened. I’m hoping you can give me insight into what the problem could be or what I can do to be a “siren!”



  179.  #179Rori Raye on September 9, 2015 at 10:54 am

    Cassy, This isn’t about “cutting ties” or anything dramatic – and “not responding” because you’re upset it took him two days to respond is “game-playing” and will not help you in any way. It’s not authentic, it’s “immature” in the way you don’t want HIM to be. Instead, SAY to him…”I felt myself getting all weirded out when I didn’t hear back from you for two days…it doesn’t feel good to play games, so is there anything I should know?” – AND the CURE is always Circular Dating! Love, Rori

  180.  #180Rori Raye on September 9, 2015 at 10:55 am

    DON’T give any man advice unless he asks!!! Just be there, and if you don’t like how being with him as he IS feels – then DON’T be with him! Love, Rori

  181.  #181Indigo on September 9, 2015 at 11:16 am


    Here were my thoughts on your situation:

    * Are you exclusive with this man? Because if so I would think it’s a problem if he doesn’t contact you at all when you go away for a trip, or takes 2 days to respond to a text. It’s a good opportunity for you to think about what you need in a relationship in order to be exclusive with a guy.
    * If you are not exclusive, you really should be taking your focus off of him completely and putting it back on you and the rest of your life. Date other guys, become busy and absorbed with the other people and activities that you enjoy… whatever. But essentially if you are not exclusive, then these were just dates and you need to try not to focus in on them and him.

    Either way, you want to be very careful of leaning forward (texting him first) with a guy when he has not contacted you in some time – in general, this is pretty much never a good idea. If a guy’s energy is not moving towards you, pretty much all the coaches will tell you that you should not reach out to him. And I really do agree, from my own experience. This JUST tends to make you feel worse and sets up a bad dynamic.

    Being a siren is about being in your feminine energy… and this means letting the man lead the relationship. If he’s not leading, you do nothing.

  182.  #182Ami on September 20, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    Anger is an investment in him – let me try to shorten this – been seeing this guy for 2 years. early on lots of fighting -lots of anger from him. Over the first year – I kept saying that this anger wasnt good or helpful for us or even him. He said there were things he didnt like about me and was constantly criticizing me (imo) which I told him I didnt like .. or the yelling. Fast forward to now – he voluntarily went to therapy, has been working on his issues.. but I have a tremendous amount of anger towards him.. and I used it to “pick” at him and constantly found reasons to be angry with him. The things he said to me when we fought have had a deep impact on me…and its hard for me to forgive anyway… In the last 2 months, things have been strained – I have to admit he tried..but my brain finds a reason to get angry and ticked off at him…we talked about it and I finally said.. I was carrying this anger around with me towards him for a long time. While we have “talked” about things.. he still doesnt seem to “get” what I am seeing or acknowledge my feelings. Not in the way that I want and (need?). At this point he said that I need to decide how I want to move forward, that if I dont forgive him and let these things go, we will not be able to move forward and things would get worse. Which I agree. But, he doesnt seem to get that it was HIS anger and words that hurt me so deeply.. or if he does get it… why not just say sorry. He has made some changes.. and I keep bringing up the past.. telling him just to give it time.. he will do it again.. ;( I know thats not good. I dont know what to do at this time…would appreciate some insight. This anger is a HUGE weight on me… and while he said – he holds no resentment, he wants to move forward, he has changed things about himself (like the anger)…help

  183.  #183Mary on September 24, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Great article, Rori! A real eye opener!! And a difficult one …. I feel like my world is a bit upside down at the moment…

    I love my boyfriend of two years and feel great with him when things are OK, but horrible when he gets upset. For, when he gets upset (even by the smallest remark I make!), he leaves and I don´t hear from him anymore for weeks!!
    He will not answer my calls, texts, until after a few weeks (can be 2, can be 3 or 4) I make another attempt and call him or go to his house, for I don´t know where I am and if we are still in a relationship or not, and want to know where I am…

    Then, for 3 months we are OK again, until the next fight, which is not even a fight, only something I say that he does not like. Like last week, for instance, I only said “oh please, no mobile phone”, for I wanted him to be there for me in this half an hour we were going to have together…… This was already too much for him, and he left.

    OK, the guy is having a hard time, for his dominant mum is recovering from a heart attack and claims him all the time, he is jobless and has problems with his residence permit. So, yes, the guy is under lots of stress.

    But, to tell you the truth…… he did the same thing before all this happened. Ever since we started dating. And I have been allowing him this, for I cannot cope with his silences and will go after him to talk and sort things out. Then we will be fine for a few months until the same thing happens….

    What do you think, Sirens? Can this relationship be saved? Should I just do nothing, leans back and CD in the meanwhile until he steps up? Or should I drop him? I must say he is a really nice guy when we are OK, does everything for me, but when I say something he does not like…..oof…….

  184.  #184Ayesha on October 5, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    OMG I LOOOOOOOVE this post. Really resonating with me right now. Need to memorize it.
    Ok off to see a friend!
    Hugs to allllll.