Anger Makes MORE Love When You Do It This Way

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We are ALL “gurus.”

We are all always in process of either understanding ourselves and knowing ourselves MORE – or working hard to AVOID understanding and knowing ourselves.  The more we avoid, the more we reduce our ability to feel, experience, and get close to a man.

Anger is much easier for a man.  It’s the antidote to fear and emotional pain, and is historically more acceptable in a man.

We women are supposed to be “sugar and spice and everything nice…”

And yet – around a woman – a man is supposed to be “reigned in” – where we women are allowed culturally to cry (though most of us have experienced the reverse – of NOT being allowed to cry, to be “weak,” in our families).

So – we women have been seriously shut down, as have men.

And here is where we’re all in danger: As men are evolving into feeling beings right in front of our eyes – like Matt (thank you again for your glorious and extraordinarily thoughtful and helpful comments) – we women are moving backwards, into a model where we do not Feel at all – and when we do – we instantly tense up against and regret having felt it.

When this happens, Anger takes on more than its share.  It rises up against the person or the experience that Triggered it.  It becomes protection on the OUTSIDE, instead of what it truly is – your body’s sacred and powerful marshaling of its life force to keep you from despair.

We are supposed to be well-modulated. We are supposed to not let anger out, nor tears. We are moving into “women of the brain” even while men are allowed to become more touchy-feely.

We have to stop this. Let’s all get off this train together. We can start with this powerful emotion – Anger.

Jumping off from a line of Matt’s (from this comment) – “It’s very hard to love when angry.”

Let’s flip that one around to – “It’s very hard to love WITHOUT anger.”  In other words, if anger is a human emotion, and it’s a reaction to hurt, pain, disappointment and fear – if it’s a powerful energy that can be used for GOOD in this world – then DENYING it, shoving it aside, deriding it, making it a not-good thing is like cutting off your hand.  It makes you less whole.  It makes you not whole.

Loving your anger creates the possibility of loving WHEN angry. This creates the possibility of loving someone ELSE’S anger.  This enables a soft blanket of Safety to envelop the relationship.

So that, instead of seeing your man (or woman’s) anger as “in-the-way-of-love” – you see it as a step TOWARD love.

The anger itself is golden, is merely a feeling, energy to be embraced and freed and used – the question is – always WHAT TO DO WITH IT…

And that, Reshi – is your question.  What do I do with my anger?

And the answer is simple – it’s YOUR anger.  It belongs to you.  You OWN it.

And if you will allow yourself to experience it – no matter how irrational it seems to you – as RIGHTEOUS – perhaps not in the setting of reality or what’s really going on, but in the setting of your internal workings and triggerings – and honor it anyway…you’ll find new ways to experience it and to talk about it.

There’s nothing so powerful in a relationship as anger expressed as love.  “I SHARE this with you, and I know that it belongs to me, it’s MY feeling, it’s part of MY system, and that because we are close, I’ve been triggered, and that – most importantly – my healing and the depth of our relationship depends on my willingness to love my anger, and not throw it out of my body and onto YOU.

Now – can you see that if you experience your anger as love – as yourself rising up powerfully from a lower energy feeling like sadness or numbness – as a rescue move from yourself to yourself – that it’s easier to separate it out from the person who triggered it?

If you can try this – just see if you can catch it here the next time you feel angry – you can feel the protectiveness going on inside you, experience that as love, and then MOVE THROUGH IT.

Just go out the other side of it – and Channel if you can into an action that feels good (the Riff Tools for Channeling are in the Power & Self Esteem category here) – and I’ll bet you that you’ll start to catch the pattern earlier and earlier, and move through into almost a humorous place (see if you find yourself giggling).

Now – who wouldn’t find that charming?  No one.  Every one, every man would find that charming.

A woman with a temper who doesn’t throw it at a man, who just experiences it and moves the energy into a new place.  Sexy as all hell.

Try it, and let me know.

Alias Girl, Maria, Reshi, Matt – Thank you for this thread — you are all brilliant and blessed.  Keep doing what you’re doing (and writing about it…)

Love, Rori

65 Comments

  1.  #1Tracy on February 2, 2009 at 10:44 am

    i feel so triggered by this post…i feel so much anger most of the time because of my failures………all the stuff i have not achieved…i feel sad and angry and sometimes i just want to cry….i am tired of keeping this anger in me………..tired of fighting it…i just want to let go…i want to feel happy again…i love my anger my sad feelings and my sense of helplessness but i want to channel it towards good feelings.i want to feel happy with me and the person that i am….i feel that i can have a good life a good man a happy family..i feel that my spiritual life can grow to new heights and i can feel safe and content………..i want to feel happy with me and what i have achieved….i want to feel appreciated by not men only but by just beingg me and love me………
    whenever i feel angry i feel numb tightness on my chest…i feel i want to stop whatever i am doing and just take a walk and think things through…i want to feel my anger…………love my anger appreciate my inadequacies my frustrations my lack of direction and lack of hope sometimes………i want to love all of me………….i will love all of me…i feel happy and relieved saying all these…



  2.  #2alias girl on February 2, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    i feel frozen and depressed. i feel angry that i feel angry and depressed. i feel tired of healing. i feel tired of feeling frozen. most of all that is what i am tired of. i feel shallow breath. not wanting to move. numb. i feel angry at myself. i love my self directed anger. i love my mean thoughts about myself. frowney face. i feel ick. i feel gross. i feel an urge to sleep for a thousand years. i feel a lurking sense of low self worth. i feel two steps back. i love my zig zag progress. i love my frozen depressed (scared?) orphan girl. i feel like what’s the point. oh sadness. that message is so old. it’s like it plays silently in the background of my entire life. i had forgotten it even existed. has just become such a part of my paradigm. i want to live and feel there is a point. a fun point. a good point. a fulfilling point. a point of love and well being. i feel more energy in my body. i feel tears. i can’t believe how deeply frozen i am.

    this post about anger being a launching pad for love feels hopeful. i want to learn to accept my anger and own it and not project it onto someone else and say here it’s your fault, fix it or else i’m gone. 🙁

    i feel sadness but the sadness is a welcome note bc nothing is worse than feeling frozen.



  3.  #3sakinah on February 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    first og all I would Like to say that I love your posts. now as far as anger goes i too suffer from it. i can go from ) to 10 in 3sec. and its only recently like oin the past year that i have been able to get a grip on myself and instead of lashing out i try to deal wit my part in any issuse and all the whys and how could you’s and that i might as k someone else I now ask myself. it is so hard though to look inside yourself and identify your own anger and to ask yourself why am i so angery the list can get so long that I can loose focus. but by the grace of God Im getting thru. i recently had a baby 04/08 with a man that i was wit. we were not together very long just a few months but the relationship got intense very fast and I thought we would be together we planned on getting married and were living together as well. well i had expressed to him that i was feeling lonely in relationship because he got up early came in late and i felt like he didnt want the relationship anymore even though I was already pregnant(planned the baby) he still would no interact with me the way i had wanted nor expected him to. i asked if he was cheating of course he said no then i evenually went thru his voicemail on his cellphone and heard another girl on there cursing him out in away htat i knew there had to be something going on I didnt ask the girl anything I just pav=cke dhis stuffed and asked hoim too leave after staying up the whole night crying I called his momthe next day to ask her to tell him to stay bak home with her. well he left and would not come back and he has been totaly different fromthe person i met. it seems like he goes out of his way to hurt my feelings anfd to treat me bad to the point that I told him if wants to see his som he should take me to court because I cant tolerate being treated like less than second hand by someone i have to raise a child with. i have done some pretty nasty things to him also when he pushed me my limits as well.but i always warn him to leave me be I try to avoid him when i feel like that. but it seems that the only time i get a the response i want from him is when i hurt him but how do i get him to respect me and to behave cordially toward me in front of our child. this really bothers me because i dont know what else to do he is a charming man a little immature but he not the worst and i feel like he just want s to hurt forever for breaking up with him. what can i do.



  4.  #4sakinah on February 2, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    how do i love my anger andhow do i do away with it



  5.  #5Linda on February 2, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    I am well aquainted with the energy that anger carries with it. I used to feel angry a lot. I confess that when I would get angry about something, I would channel it into cleaning. I could buzz through housework in no time! When I think of it, it does make me want to chuckle a bit.

    I can say that I never tried to fight feeling angry the thing that has frustrated me often is throwing it off. or unloading it where it belongs to be free from it. I read a long time ago if you are angry with someone then it needs to be dealt with with that person so we dont make innocent people in our lives victums of someone else crime against us. I think that issues that create the most frustration is when it cant be resolved correctly and redistributed. I dont mind feeling angry but it is getting out from under it that has been issue. Often I feel like I just have to swallow and live with it because well it is easier. Boy that is a bad way to live.

    I have been angry for quite a while but have no place to release it. I used to turn it on myself but I have gotten past that now. I am so angry that I was betrayed and abandonded. I am angry with the situation that I find myself in now. I want to give it to its source but they are no longer in my life. There is no contact. THere is no chance to talk thru it or deal with it .Again I have had to swallow it try to sort it and make it not matter but it still DOES!.. The issue is just there, I bump into it all the time and it usually takes on the form of the lower energy “sadness” but I think that is because there is no closure. Healing doesnt come and is only replaced with dealing with it only. A overwhelming frustration lingers because of what he did to us.

    I can see how throwing your energy into the other side of anger can be great and creates more love because it does show you care.. but when you cant do that what is a girl supposed to do.? sigh

    Linda



  6.  #6Daria on February 2, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    I’m feeling frustrated over my situation with this one man. I’m dating one guy “not my type” to enjoy being treated well. He picks me and takes me out to eat and is also teaching me martial arts, something I really want to do.

    However I feel kind of trapped. I do not like him “like that” and I don’t even know if I like him that much. It feels nice kissing him, but I do not feel attracted to him more than that. He says he likes me but I suspect he likes me mostly for how I look. This bothers me. I feel disconnected and not “known” for the real me. Sometimes he cuts me off when I am speaking, even when I am sharing a passion story or something important to me. He repeats things (a pet peeve of mine) and makes jokes that I find ANNOYING!

    He really likes me and we talked about marriage (jokingly) the first time we met because I gave him the I’m dating until marriage speech. We have gone out 4 times now, and I told him I don’t feel l want to get exclusive with a man and he has told me he only dates girls one at a time, and how would we get to marriage if we don’t get exclusive and that I’m a player.

    I FEEL SO ANNOYED! He is a good guy (I guess) but I don’t feel good wiht him, although sometimes he does something really nice and it makes me feel a little bit better. Mostly I feel AWKWARD and sometimes ANNOYED. I want to keep doing Martial Arts and I feel really happy he is teaching me and that is mostly what I want “from him.” Which I feel guilty about. I feel like a “gold digger” and I suspect he sees me this way too and I feel disgusted by that. I kinda feel objectified and confused. Maybe I should dump him and his martial arts classes? I just committed to 3 times a week martial arts which would be great for me if he didn’t want to always cuddle and bug me. I feel amused writing that hehe. I don’t mind cuddling but on my own terms, I feel pressured. I barely know him, don’t agree with some of his values, and don’t feel like he cares “about the real me.” I don’t feel at ease around him. He even wants me to wear my hair in pigtails because he likes that (I don’t usually) and I wonder if it’s because an ex of his did that, or what? I feel objectified and I feel kinda weird.

    Then again he is very different from guys I have dated before, so I have been chalking it up to that. And he is a gentleman when it comes to taking me out to eat, and even bought me boxing gloves for the martial arts.

    I feel really ANGRY. I feel like I am selling myself out and dating someone I don’t really like being around so I can get free martial arts classes. Maybe that is not such a good idea. Or maybe I am freaking out and judging him and me because I am not used to receiving.

    i feel Gross gross gross. I don’t want to be a gold digger, though I want to not mind receiving from men and be open to it, because before I wouldn’t be open OR actually receive anything.

    Maybe my dating him is because I feel insecure that I will find someone who does these things for me (take me out, buy me gifts).

    What should I do? I want martial arts lol…



  7.  #7Linda on February 2, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Daria.. I get it….

    There are lots of martial arts studios.. pick one without any strings. It may cost ya but maybe it will be worth it.
    LOL
    Hmmmm interesting I can identify a bit with what you wrote too… I have had one two meetings after several talks with a fellow that I have only intentions of seeing. I am not attracted to him at all…though he has a great smile and seems geniune. My purpose for meeting him is to simply try to move on with my life. Circular dating is good? It feels really weird and makes me unfortable to me… remind me why is it okay and beneficial again? LOL I have given this fellow NO indications of real interest or a future and he keeps calling. I really dont care if he does… so now I feel I may have a new issue and it makes me feel nausious, nervous and uncomfortable,

    Today he called when I was driving home from work, I really did not want to pick up the phone. I was feeling meloncholy and really missing the man am not with anymore. He asked me about my day , I just offered some feeble response about Groundhogs day, Monday blues… etc…then he said you dont sound okay. I told him I was tired.. (which was the truth) but…. Crap! I really wanted to tell him I am not attracted to him and to go away… but I didn’t Crap! I am angry at myself for feeling trapped. Why do I feel trapped? Crap! Accepting the invitation of a man to eat and talk should not send me into a silent place of dread. Circular dating is fun? Uplifting? Encouraging? I feel like a fraud somehow. Maybe is my newbieness. I am angry at it all right now.

    Linda



  8.  #8Averie on February 2, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    This is such an interesting topic….

    I found that not only do I get triggered by men around me but also every one else and everything else—it could be my mom, dad, dog, strangers, my homework…or even the weather!!!

    you want us to first feel our feelings, if we FEEL more, being true to our heart, we will start trusting ourselves more, we would trust in ourselves enough not to “live in our head,” we would trust in ourselves enough not to ask someone else’s opinion on what to do, to say to a man, and finally, we would move toward the things that truly make us FEEL good and move away from things that makes us FEEL bad.

    Now, that’s what you mean when you say, “you don’t have to worrying about trusting a man, you just have to trust yourself.”

    if we can FEEL anger, we open ourselves up to all kinds of emotions.

    But i think before you can learn how to channel the feelings, you have to first learn to recognize your feelings when they HAPPEN. And you have to learn to DIG DEEP to FIND those true feelings. that’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months. sometimes feelings can be deceiving too, or sometimes it is our defense mechanism trying to PROTECT US from going through that painful process.

    you really need to DIG DEEP. once you find those feelings, you would find that going through them requires less time because now THEY ARE BEING RECOGNIZED as part of you!!! I think when you stop denying and start accepting them, you would naturally feel better because now you have a “TOTAL SURRENDER.”

    and I also know that you want us to do this–“- it’s YOUR anger. It belongs to you. You OWN it.” because you know it is a crucial & first step working towards our self-esteem, and that’s the thing you mention and emphasize the most in your work.

    And I THANK YOU FOR THAT.

    love,
    Averie



  9.  #9Daria on February 2, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    Thank you Linda for answering me. I felt strengthened by your response.

    I feel like I don’t have any money to pay for martial arts classes right now. I feel worried that I am carrying this lack energy with me. I felt very excited that I had manifested a man that was offering something nice and relevant to me like this. Thank you universe. I feel grateful and maybe I was missing the grateful part earlier. Now I want to also feel respected and connected along with that. Thank you.

    When I said I feel grateful the worry about this lifted. I feel triggered and I really want to “learn my lesson” from the messanger here. I guess the lesson could be that there is no such thing as “nice guys” that nice guys can make you feel disrespected too in subtle ways. I thought I learned that from the last nice guy I learned. Maybe this is more practice. I want more practice communicating things that I don’t feel comfortable with, like hurting a guy’s feelings kind of things.

    I don’t want to say I feel annoyed around you. That seems mean. I want to say… I don’t feel totally respected around you… I feel like a sex object… I feel annoyed that sometimes I feel interrupted by you when I’m saying something that feels interesting to me.

    I feel tied to you because I really want to do martial arts and I feel really happy that you are teaching me. I don’t want to feel like I am using you for that and I feel weird and icky about that.

    I feel worried that we don’t quite share the same values… I feel irritated when I hear you complain about the economy and I feel guilty about that because I know I probably complain about certain things too… I feel guilty and I don’t feel attracted to you 100% right now, I feel like this is moving too fast and I don’t feel comfortable with that…

    What do you think…

    wow that is pretty good! if I do say so myself.

    I feel worried that he will just feel rejected and say oh ok you don’t want to see me anymore?

    I feel unsure of whether I want to see you or not. I feel a little gross because I feel kinda like a sex object around you and I really don’t want to feel that way. It feels nice kissing you, and I don’t know if I want more right now, and I don’t want to lead you on.

    What do you think?

    Ok now I’m feeling angry because I don’t want to wait and deliver it line by line. I feel worried that he will not hear me… I feel unheard around him. I just want to write it to him all at once hehe? Talk about wanting to get something off your chest.

    I feel scared and gross to powerspeech him. I feel worried I will get lost (maybe I should print it out). I feel GROSSED OUT! I feel ANGRY! I AM NOT A SEX OBJECT… hehe

    I feel so interested to see how many feelings I had underneath this… thank you feelings… ohh I love you so much… I feel kinda queasy… I feel scared… I feel excited too!

    I hope it’s ok to pre-write this… hehe… (I’m sure it is) oh I feel excited to communicate this stuff now. I feel excited yay…

    lol I feel worried he will ask for his boxing gloves back… lol… that feels amusing… hahaha

    I feel a little guilty that he has spent money taking me out to dinner. I want to feel like I more than deserve that, and that I more than deserve free martial arts lessons, and ESPECIALLY connection and respect and FUN!

    yay!

    I do! YAY! OH I LOVE ME RIGHT NOW MAN>>>



  10.  #10Daria on February 2, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    OMG – so I shared online: BIG HANGUP WITH CIRCULAR DATING! He was so against it! Look:

    ok it starts off with him being really sweet (which made me feel really nervous) ! and then I start my power speech,, BTW this might be long! lol

    Him: hi there!
    Me: hi
    Him: how’s your day?
    Me: mm ok
    Me: im feeling kinda tired
    Him: how come tired?
    Him: i didn’t work you out that hard last night
    Me: taking this practice test
    Him: ive been thinking about it last night
    Him: i think i’ll go for the martial arts school plan before I even think about doing restaurant
    Him: cuz then u can also use it for a tutoring center.
    Him: don’t have to rent another spot for that
    Me: hmm thanks
    Him: cuz i know couple of martial arts schools
    Him: also have tutoring services available
    Him: and they offer programs that parents pay for their kids. after school program
    Me: ohok
    Him: wow
    Him: i come up with good ideas huh?
    Him: hehe
    Me: that;s not a bad idea at all
    Him: well of course
    Him: i come up with good ideas all the time
    Him: =)
    Me: i feel kinda uncomfortable
    Him: uncomfortable about what?
    Me: well… sometimes i dont feel respected around you
    Me: i kinda feel like a sex object
    Me: and i dont like that
    Him: uh….
    Him: i never treated u like a sex object cuz if i did
    Him: i would’ve ask you to fuck me.
    Him: which I never did
    Me: i kinda feel like this is moving too fast and i don’t feel comfortable with that
    Him: what u mean “moving too fast” ?
    Him: how so?
    Him: we didn’t even do anything that physical together.
    Him: so why would you think we’re “moving too fast” ?
    Me: im feeling weird i feel kinda pressured… i dont feel like totally understood for me…
    Him: i never pressured you to do anything
    Him: okay, fine
    Him: if you feel weird.
    Him: fine..
    Him: if you don’t want to date me anymore
    Him: just tell me u don’t want to..
    Him: i seriously never pressured you to do anything.. i treat u with respect.
    Him: but if u don’t like me.. just tell me u don’t like me… we don’t have to date anymore. and yes i know u probably want to date other guys…
    Him: just tell me straight up and be honest. if u don’t want to date me, just tell me u don’t want to. i don’t want to waste your time or my time.
    Me: well i feel unsure right now wether i want to date you or not… i dont want to feel weird… it feels nice kissing you and i dont know if I want more right now and I don’t want to feel guilty…
    Me: i don’t want to feel like im leading you on or wasting time
    Him: if u still want to, then be honest and tell me what u want and dont want me to do around u
    Him: and to be honest.
    Him: after what u said last night about u want to date other guys too.
    Him: i don’t feel respected cuz
    Him: it’s like you’re “shopping around”
    Him: why did i say I only want to date one girl at a time is because it’s disrespectful to you if I date other girls too.
    Him: and it’s disrespectful to others, and myself
    Him: think about it.. if you’re not being serious while dating and u being with others, how u going to be serious when you’re in a relationship, u know.
    Me: ok… ifeel relieved we are talking about this…
    Me: i feel like im not on the same page with you here
    Him: okay, i guess ur the type that wants to “shop around” then
    Him: think about it
    Me: i definitely don’t feel comfortable shutting down all my options
    Me: before theres a serious commitment
    Him: what am I going to tell people, think about it
    Him: ” yea, i’m dating this girl i like… but she wants to date other guys ”
    Him: think about how dumb that sounds.
    Him: other people will say ” oh, so she’s not commited to you because she wants to shop around ”
    Him: look, to make it simple….. and i’m be honest.
    Him: what ur doing is shopping around.. u wanna see if there’s other better options for u out there.
    Him: and if u do find a better option, u tell me to go away
    Him: won’t u feel disrespected too if I go around and shop around while dating u?
    Him: it’s like I’m dating u right now, and I go around and date other girls and see if others are better.. and if there isn’t, i come back to u.
    Him: that’s not treating you with respect.
    Me: at this point that would not bother me because we are just getting to know each other…
    Him: it’s not about “at which point”
    Him: this point or that point… it’s still disrespectful in a way
    Me: i wouldn’t feel disrespected
    Him: but it’s cool, it’s up to you. i don’t wanna waste your time if you just wanna “shop around ”
    Me: i might feel a little jealous
    Him: i don’t feel respected if that’s what you intend to do
    Me: i don’t feel comfortable commiting to someone i just met right away
    Me: ok
    Me: i feel glad we talked about this now
    Him: do u want to think about it over tonight?
    Me: sure
    Him: let me know since u said u are still unsure if u wanna continue dating me
    Him: are u still unsure now?
    Me: mmm yeah
    Him: i’m not asking u to commit to me
    Him: but it’s just disrespectful if u going to date other guys too and u do stuff with them…
    Him: it’s not just disrespectful to me, but also other guys that u might want to date later on.
    Him: i wouldn’t feel comfortable kissing u and cuddling with u if i know you’re dating other guys, and you’re doing the same thing with them… or maybe more.. who knows.
    Him: i’m sure u know what i’m talking about.
    Him: i don’t have time for games like that.. that’s high school shit.. we’re too old for that kind of crap
    Me: i dont feel respected right now hearing that
    Him: i’m just being honest.
    Me: i feel like i have a rigth to date whoever i want to
    Him: nobody stopping u
    Me: and i am being honest about what i want
    Him: but like i said, i’m too old for that kind of high school shit
    Me: i dont feel comfortable meeting someone and rigth away dating only them
    Him: well if u want to shop around
    Me: that feels really weird to me and I would feel totally under pressure
    Him: go ahead…
    Him: ur not under pressure
    Him: i told u, u can do whatever u want
    Him: but don’t expect me to be around if u want to shop around.
    Him: cuz I don’t feel respected to be shopped around while you shop around others.
    Me: i feel attacked by these words “shop around”
    Him: I’m being honest.
    Him: fine, i’ll say it in a nicer way
    Him: ” exploring ”
    Me: okay
    Me: you are right
    Me: i am exploring right now
    Me: that feels right
    Him: that’s disrespecting me cuz let me tell u why
    Him: even if we just met couple weeks ago
    Him: that we’re just dating
    Him: if at this stage you’re exploring other options, what makes u think I’ll believe u won’t explore later on?
    Me: i don’t know
    Me: i don’t need to lie
    Me: and im not lying now
    Me: so what would make me believe that you wouldn’t
    Me: I feel comfortable letting you know how I feel
    Me: even if it makes me feel weird or nervous I want to do my best to make the effort
    Him: what are u trying to say?
    Him: are u asking me a question?
    Me: im answering this
    Me: if at this stage you’re exploring other options, what makes u think I’ll believe u won’t explore later on?
    Him: and what was ur answer?
    Me: i feel like i am honest enought that you will know where I am at
    Him: let me rewind.
    Him: reason why i think it’s disrespectful to explore while you’re dating someone whether just starting to or what…
    Him: it’s because you don’t think the person you’re dating is good enough for u
    Him: so that’s why you need to “explore”
    Him: right now, you’re thinking ” i want to explore more because there’s always someone better ”
    Him: yes, i know there is…. but just by the way you say you want to explore makes me feel u’ll ditch me for someone else once u find that someone that’s better.
    Him: do u see me explore other girls while I’m dating u? no.. cuz that’s just plain rude and disrespectful to u
    Him: and to other girls… i would never do that
    Me: i would not feel disrespected
    Him: well that’s u
    Him: but if u ask anyone, they’ll feel the same way
    Him: seriously, only high school kids will do this “exploring” stuff. i mean we’re adults..
    Him: we don’t need to play these games.
    Me: i do not want to play games
    Me: i want to date and practice relating to guys and have fun
    Him: there’s always someone better
    Me: and that will give space for someone to come into my life
    Him: okay, if that’s what u want.
    Him: i’m not stopping u
    Him: so stop saying i’m pressuring u cuz i’m not
    Me: that may be the person I want to marry
    Him: see what i’m saying,
    Him: that’s like using someone as a back up plan.
    Him: it’s like saying ” okay, i’m dating u, but i want to see if there’s anyone out there that’s better. and if i find him, you’re gone ”
    Me: well in teh way you do it
    Me: its the same way
    Him: look, there’s always going to be someone better than someone…
    Me: except you date one person
    Me: and then if you dont like the
    Me: theyre still gone
    Me: no difference really
    Him: yes there is
    Him: exploring
    Him: remember?
    Me: you are exploring too
    Him: no i’m not
    Him: i’m not exploring other girls
    Me: its not like you can marry the first person you meet
    Him: this is how my friend just stopped dating a girl last week.
    Him: u can ask anyone
    Him: it’s just plain rude and disrespectful
    Him: it makes me feel you don’t need me around when ur dating other guys.
    Him: well, maybe u have ur point of wanting to date other guys… maybe i’m not good enough for u.
    Him: so that’s why you want to explore
    Him: if i don’t like u, i wouldn’t want to date u.. if I want to date u, then ur good enough for me. otherwise, i wouldn’t bother.
    Me: i feel like im not because I feel judged and like my way of doing things is not acceptable to you
    Him: to make it simple
    Him: dating more than one person = player
    Me: dating one person really fast = pretend relationship
    Him: it’s not “pretend”
    Him: dating one person whether really fast or not really fast = mutual respect
    Him: okay, bottom line
    Him: u would feel comfortable dating more than one person and kissing and cuddling with them?
    Me: right now yes
    Him: okay, that’s just gross
    Him: well do what u want.. i’m not going to force u
    Him: when u feel you’re ready to date me, let me know.
    Me: ok
    Him: if you don’t want to date me
    Him: let me know also
    Him: no hard feelings if u say no
    Him: cuz most likely i think you’ll say no anyways.
    Him: when do you think u can let me know?
    Him: tomorrow?
    Me: i dont know… iwill see how i feel tomorrow… that feels like a good time right now

    RORI help! Why is this possble GOOD GUY so against circular dating and how do I or others deal with this in the future?

    pause… then he adds this

    Him: well most likely i know you’ll say no
    Him: yes or no, just tell me tomorrow or whenever u feel like it.
    Him: so i guess u don’t want to train tomorrow either right? let me know so I can make other plans
    Him: i break my other plans just to spend time with u.
    Him: last week and yesterday.
    Me: oh
    Him: it’s not like that’s important to u
    Me: i feel mad a little bit
    Me: i might be breaking other plans too
    Me: i dont want to argue with you
    Him: i break other important plans just to spend time with u yesterday
    Him: i thought it was worth it.
    Me: me too
    Him: i hope it is.
    Me: i feel like im being guilt tripped
    Him: ur not..
    Him: cuz it’s my fault
    Him: that i like u
    Him: it’s not ur fault
    Him: i don’t have anyone to blame but myself
    Me: lol i feel amused and kinda flattered nowok i will talk to u later

    I feel so proud of myself for standing up to him when he tried to guilt trip me here in the end.

    I feel a little nervous he will run into this blog somehow! Lol. I feel ok though since I’m not using his name.

    I feel hopeful and excited for help!



  11.  #11alias girl on February 2, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    i feel more free with these last few posts of rori’s. i feel like i really had a valuable breakthrough. i felt more calm and accepting of people today and not so angry. things would happen where i could see how it would trigger anger in me before and i would immediately blame the other person like how rude to just cut me off with your cart in the supermarket. but today i just saw the behavior of that person and went oh, well that was kind of rude or that person really is unaware of his surroundings or whatever and for some reason it was just oh. and of course iwas reminded of my father who got mad and was triggered by all rude people. everything really. it was an interesting experimental day.

    and i got asked out sort of and it was just so wrong i couldn’t say yes but i feel i am more open and smiling and giving guys a chance and with the one guy who asked me out i got to practice feeling messages which i usually forget to do so i feel like i am making really good progress. and i almost feel like i could go anywhere and do anythiing and would be able to make the best of any situation. i feel more free and solid and open and yet with good boundaries.

    i feel really really grateful. i can’t wait to get rori’s reconnect program. soon soon soon. AND i’ll probably need it soon too! yae!



  12.  #12Daria on February 2, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    oh you guys say something about this please (if you want)… maybe this guy is not such a nice guy? I feel a little embarassed about posting all this stuff and I REALLY want to learn EVERY LITTLE THING THERE IS here…

    Alias girl I feel hopeful with you… yay!



  13.  #13Rori Raye on February 2, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Yaaayy Alias Girl! – so glad you’re having an amazing, experimental (and experiential) day. Love, Rori



  14.  #14Linda on February 2, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    The guy I wrote about earlier…the one I talked to was interested in me.. the one that made me feel trapped…the one I was just not attracted to even though he was a nice guy…

    I told him and he thanked me for being honest. I said and I quote” I am sorry but I really do not feel the connection with you that I am looking for. He bowed out. I feel sooo much better. I wont have the dread tomorrow and a phone call I dont want to anwer. Yeah!

    Sorry your conversation did not go so easily Daria but I certainly did learn from it. You go girl. I thought guys like the chase and competition. Guess he doesnt. Hmmm go figure.

    Linda



  15.  #15Daria on February 2, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    I feel SOOO ANGRY! He just Im’d me on another messenger and basically keeps saying how he talked to his girl friend and cousin and they said I’m saying “you’re ok, I like you for now, but there’s someone better for me out there” and I tried to explain how It would be better for both of us because that would make it easier for us to get to know each other, and until I’m married or engaged a guy that wants to get there with me will have to deal with it. Then he brought up how his female cousin said she would never do that, because “it is slutty” and I felt so angry. I said “u know waht.. tell her I said f… her!” and signed off… and now he’s iming me on Another service and said don’t insult her because she didn’t say You’re slutty and I said “I feel bad , I apologize, I feel really angry and I don’t want to talk to you right now”

    And he’s still iming me now and I Feel really angry and I feel angry that Rori did not answer me but that’s ok, maybe she thinks this is what I have to figure out on my own and that’s ok I FEEL SUPER MAD RIGHT NOW



  16.  #16Daria on February 2, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Thanks Linda, I’m glad it worked out and I’m glad this is happening for me too… It’s a lot to work with!



  17.  #17Reshi on February 2, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Oh, for FUCK’s sake. I’ve got nothing. I Riffed my ass off in private, censoring nothing, trying to find my rage and sadness about my husband and my experience with men in general–and I’ve got nothing. I feel nothing. Am I going to have to see his wedding pictures with another woman before I feel something? Am I going to have to get completely fucked over and heartbroken by another man before I feel something? Someone, please trigger me.

    I’m just feeling this mild annoyance, this annoyance that NOTHING is moving within me. And I feel even more of that reading Daria’s conversation…man…to me that feels like two girls talking in circles! How many times did that man use a Feeling Message? Holy smokes.

    I don’t want to feel mildly annoyed. I want to feel full-blown RAGE. And that would feel like my blood boiling, heart rate accelerating, a hot feeling in the back of my head, adrenaline pumping. I feel some slight pressure in the back of my head…what’s that about? And I love my stuck, frozen, constipated annoyedness, yeah, I love to feel this stuck depression and deeply buried fearfulness. And the pressure in the back of my head is intensifying into pain and I love the pain…this hot feeling spreading through my skull and my ears…but it doesn’t feel like rage, but it does feel like Something thawing out…something awakening back there…I feel something long-buried, awakening back there. Some memories of being hit, of being discounted, unheard, uncared for. The heat feels so intense but it still doesn’t feel like rage. Maybe I don’t need to feel rage, maybe I just need to feel what I feel. Yes. My entire skull filled up with fire. Fire moving down my neck, down my shoulders, down my back. I love it. It feels good, it feels like energy and heat. There are no words for it, just a melting, neutral feeling. More intense pressure on the top of my head. Magma melting down my neck and shoulders. I love it, it feels good and strong. My belly begins to open up, to accept the lava flow. My vagina becomes a container to hold it. I still feel pressure on top of my head.

    I feel powerful and whole and undiminished and peaceful. But I feel a big fear in the back of my head. A fear almost as big as my entire head, and it is heating up and sending more heat down my neck and shoulders. What’s this fear about? Can I dive all the way into it and find out?

    A man’s going to hurt you, it says. A man’s going to kill you. Who is a man going to kill? Going to kill you, Reshi, if you ever dare smile.

    I smile anyway. The voice says, “oh, OK then,” and the fear dissolves. But now there’s something new back there, a new fear. What is that about?

    You’re a bad girl, Reshi. You’re sinful, you’re bad. Inherently bad. Bad Reshi. No goodness for you in your life, because you are bad.

    Really now? Says who?

    That fear has dissolved as well. There’s a new one forming back there, covering the entire top of my head, front and back. What’s that one about?

    You don’t know who True Authority is. You’re on the wrong path. You need to find and obey the True Authority.

    Ok then, but who might that be? Oh, you aren’t going to tell me, you’re just going to dissolve? Damn.

    Oh look, a new fear. This one’s at my 3rd eye. Don’t use your intuition, it says. Intuition is forbidden to you. I’m not kidding. You are NOT to use intuition. Go to the Bible and follow it instead. The voice of God doesn’t come directly through you, it comes directly through someone else.

    Others are unequal to me, they are higher?

    Yes, every person outside of you is higher than you. Assume your rightful place at the bottom.

    It feels comfortable and familiar here at the bottom, the familiar thick film of depression settling over me. And I DO NOT WANT THIS! I want to feel peaceful and happy, blissful even! I want to feel connected to my God and passionate about my work. That would feel like happy, joyful body, a turned-on vagina, feeling light and happy and about to spring into fucking action! It would feel like a hundred gardens within burst into bloom. And I feel that strong depression so strong, trying to protect me from joy, trying to keep me in virtuous suffering. I’ve been flying do high lately it only wants to bring me back down to earth where I belong.

    I want to feel my fearless passion, my desire for my work to bloom and explode with success! I want to feel myself and my wonderful boss dancing with abandon in the trees! I want to feel all the passion, all the learning, all the growth and beauty and spirituality, all the hard work FOR A WORTHY REWARD that I left behind in my college days…in favor of hard work with NO reward because I thought I didn’t deserve a reward. I still feel scared, the fear is melting and dripping down my spine. I want to feel awake and alive. To say THIS is my home, THIS is my place in the world. To have it grow and blossom until I have a real home and a wonderful, connected circle of friends and colleagues. A real home of MY own, a place for me to live and dance and love and bloom and work and be my own authority.

    THIS IS MY PLACE IN THE WORLD FUCK YEAH!!!!

    Longest Riff ever…I feel exhausted.



  18.  #18Daria on February 2, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Wow Reshi that was awesome…

    Me and guy are now communicating about little things and my rage! which actually led to me insulting his cousin! so it felt strong… has calmed down… I feel good… maybe this is bringing us closer?

    Thank you for the 2 girls comment… hehe… i feel supported by Reshi!



  19.  #19Daria on February 2, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    Ok I really see the David DeAngelo/ Christian Carter thing at work here… about “convincing” and how it backfires. He really is trying to Convince me that I am wrong and that circular dating is disrespectful to him, me and everyone else. I feel disrespected, unheard and turned off.

    If he were to say… ok I understand where you are coming from… I will let you have no pressure… man I would probably feel like jumping in his arms right now…

    Interesting… (I am reminded of trying to “convince” men I really liked to be with me before… wow…! They must have felt turned off and unheard too!).



  20.  #20alias girl on February 2, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    i feel really understood. i feel helped along. i feel grateful for rori. thnku. !!

    reshi i love your ideals. they are so beautiful. i feel lifted up. you could write a killer fairytale book. like this wicked adult fairytale. and you have access to both the light and dark. like that one voice reminded me of a wicked stepmother. i feel scared of her. and i feel a desire to protect little innocent reshi from her!

    daria. i feel shutdown to responding to your situation. but i feel grateful you are on this blog sharing.



  21.  #21alias girl on February 2, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    linda i understand your relief. i feel proud you followed your feelings. you gave him a try and it just didn’t work out. i feel interested about how i will respond to men now that i am back trying to circular date. i get to practice diplomacy and authenticity and feeling messages and boundaries. for example, NO LONG FIRST FEW DATES. NONONONO. it is too much for me. an hour or two and i’m out. coffee dates can be twenty or thirty minutes tops.



  22.  #22Bethany on February 2, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Daria, I am completely blown away by how you could stand by yourself through such an intense conversation…it obviously brought up a lot of fear in you…did you try riffing on that? I agree with Reshi, “two girls talking in circles” (ha!)…that’s…yeah, he was mad, but he could show you he was mad…that’s a good thing! And you ARE NOT a slut, feel angry at his relative if you feel it but don’t internalize it, it’s not slutty…maybe he’s used to having his cake and eating it too? I don’t know the guy, but…you did AWESOME feeling messages, thanks for posting your im conversation!

    Reshi, I really felt all your anger coming up in your riff, thank you so much for posting it cause it totally triggered mine and I felt myself start to shake and almost cry just from reading what you wrote…

    I feel sooooooooo mad, soooooooooo mad, it’s like snapping a graham cracker in half it’s so easy for me to flip out on the inside. I feel like jumping out of my skin I’m so angry at everyone and everything. I’m so angry at my boyfriend and his hot and coldness, I feel so off-balance and wish I could say I feel that way but it’s like my eyes start spinning like a cartoon character’s whenever he’s in contact with me, it’s awful…I can’t get away until I have a place to go to, like a job, and I feel so impatient waiting, I felt so bad after my phone interview today, I felt like I would faint, I felt like I totally messed up and I feel so scared that I’ll never find a job and that this is the worst job market since I’ve been alive and why did I have to graduate right now when everything seems like it’s drying up? And I feel bad for whining, some people are way worse off than I am and I feel so angry at my roommate for asking me for rent. Fuck her. She knows I’m trying. I feel bad saying that. But fuck her and her passive agressiveness. I feel a sharp pain in the area of my right ovary…it feels tight there, like my forehead, and I love all that tightness and anger, I love it, and I am going to let it come out, I feel just fucking awful about having to live here, I feel awful for putting bars over my own face, I feel confused about this guy and his sexual hangups, and I feel like screaming and punching a wall but no one knows, my roommate is 10 feet from me right now and she doesn’t even know I feel so angry I could slap her and shake her. I feel like we were better friends before we lived together. Or maybe never friends at all, she just wanted a roommate. I feel gullible. I feel mad at her dog that keeps crapping in my room…I feel SCARED AND PISSED! I want to feel confident and happy! That would feel like my vagina lifting all of a sudden, coming to life, and I just KNOW something will happen for me if I keep pushing through the fear and sending out resumes…I can find a great job in a great city! I can grow and change and evolve and leave the low self-esteem behind, I know I can, I just have to find someplace to go, and it probably can’t be in this tiny town or this red state where I’ve been all my life, it has to be a new place and a new environment…I’m going to Minneapolis tomorrow, to look for a job, and I don’t know, maybe drive to Chicago too if my car can handle it…I don’t have any interviews, but oh my God, I have to move my body out of here and get the fuck away from this place…or go home. I don’t want to give up and go away and lick my wounds, though. I want to push through…but what if I don’t want to go east? what if I want to go west? I feel tired of Midwestern winters, I feel like seeing the mountains again would make me breathe easier…I don’t want to give up on this thing though, and maybe Washington, DC would be a good place…I want to find something for myself! I want to feel at peace and settled! I want friends that respect me and a man that makes me feel excited and yet secure…I feel so scared of letting this guy go, because I am scared that if I go to Denver, I’ll lose him…I just want to be happy. What if I mess it all up and I regret it? What if I try to force myself into a life and a place that doesn’t make me feel good, and therefore it won’t work out because I’ve clipped my own wings? I was talking about working at Taco John’s tonight, for christ’s sake! I have an effing Master’s degree! I feel indignant and better than that, and yet I feel bad because all work is respectable work…but it’s not what I want! I feel angry!!!!! I feel like the biggest bitch in the world! Yes, I want to use my education–fuck off! Yes, I want a guy that doesn’t make me feel like I’m in a fucking fun house all the time–fuck off! I want a roommate that doesn’t snip at me and is nice? Yes, I want that–sooo fuck off to whomever tells me that I can’t have that! Why is he so nice to me and then at the same time so squirrely? I don’t know what to do.



  23.  #23Daria on February 2, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    Hey Alias girl… I feel drained… I also feel amused and validated as I have turned off another messenger after saying I do not want to talk to you anymore and he is now calling my phone.

    I feel like I have learned A LOT just now. Wow.

    Thank you for saying something so sweet!

    Reshi is awesome… I want to write a fantasy book and I would definitely want Reshi as my co-author. I feel a little envious of her creativity and writing skills. I still always remember he poem about the divine masculine (by heart) and her story about Makani (which I hope is ok if I use to imagine too because it’s very helpful to envision the divine masculine). Thank you Reshi. I feel like I am worried that I am overstepping or stealing from you by using the Makani image and I feel weird and icky about that. I love myself. I love you too… I feel sad like furrowed brow and I feel like it’s relaxing now… I feel like hmmmh breath.. my voice is telling me that I am not good enough, that I am a sneaky dihonorable and envious in the worst way because I am coveting Makani which is Reshi’s man and I am in the sidelines playing the Golem again… I feel triggered strongly by this and I feel like Reshi will hate me although part of me hopes not because probably my Makani looks or is different than hers but what if its not and me imagining it is entering into her story and being envious, wanting her man, and I am now feeling really triggered remembering times in the past when I liked my cousin’s or friend’s boyfriends and that feels horribly shameful… and I feel glad I didn’t act on it (well except once and felt regretful and actually my cousin forgave me) OH YUCK! but that has happened to me on the other side of the coin plenty of times maybe an unusual number of times and sometimes I forgave and sometimes not… and that makes me feel a little validated and I want to create my own Makani or Divine Masculine fantasy and a part of me says no you must suffer and be the evil one on the sidelines … whoa… this feels very strange and interesting… I feel worried… I feel worried… I love my worry… I love my shame… I love my fear… I love my feeling of not feeling good enough… I love my feeling of being unable to create for myself… I love my fear of hurting Reshi, of being hurt by her or of being a fakey copycat cheater… hmm… I love myself and I want to be here for myself and I feel SOOO glad I didnt’ act on this time when I liked my friend’s man which shall all remain nameless In fact VERY PROUD oh yes I am honorable after all… I feel so glad I don’t feel that way for him anymore I knew that I just had to wait it out and it would fade… yes…

    that feels like a big sigh… lots of stuff going on for me tonite… I feel really leaned back and kinda drained



  24.  #24Daria on February 2, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Bethany I really feel where you are coming from especially on the job market stuff. I loved your snapped graham cracker image, I could really feel it snapping! You do deserve everythign you want and you will have it!

    I out the blue got an e-mail from the mother of a former student of mine that is interested in getting my business! OMG! I haven’t even posted my posters in schools and this is SO GREAT for me and a wondeful sign. I send it as a wonderful sign for you too Bethany , I too was considering restaurant jobs and feeling the same way and that is ok… and yes we do want to use our education and that is ok… and yes all work can be good work in some ways and that is ok too… I send love aand hugs your way and thank you for your encouragement! And I love your anger!



  25.  #25Bethany on February 2, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    Again, just wanted to reiterate that I feel awed by you women and how well you’re doing in the real world with real men…I feel like I’m making baby steps but it’s hit and miss, sometimes it’s natural and other times not so much, so thanks to you all for your bravery and I feel inspired by the steps you all are making. I hope that it won’t be too much longer that I can feel powerful enough to attract guys like alias girl, speak my feelings like Daria, etc. I feel so envious, really. I want to acknowledge my impatience and take one huge step forward, but I feel scared by it. I want to reach inside and pick my fear in one palm and cradle it, and feel its fast, scared heartbeat, it’s fragile and breakable, and like Emily Dickinson says about hope, it’s a thing with feathers. I feel like all my good, fragile, delicate feelings are tiny, beautiful little colored birds inside me, and i want to let them flutter around and land in my heart, and that feels like my chest is bursting and I’m crying and I feel so beautiful right now, more beautiful than I have in a long time, and I feel like I can do this tomorrow, I can go and do what I have to! No joke, I feel good and calm. I love all the ladies (and gentleman) at Rori University!



  26.  #26Reshi on February 2, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    Daria, you can have a different Makani. 🙂 Or a Divine Masculine with another name, even!

    Mine is tall and dark and has long black hair and lines on his face, he’s well older than I am and he knows what he’s doing in his life, in bed, everywhere. He’s as strong as a rock, knows what he wants, and he wants me. What’s yours like? 😀



  27.  #27Reshi on February 2, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    I should add I felt all special when you mentioned my story that way, it feels good to know that something that came out of my head touched someone else.



  28.  #28Daria on February 2, 2009 at 11:59 pm

    Yay Reshi! Mine also has dark black wavy hair (I think that I got that from your story) down to his shoulders kind of and he is darker than me he’s kind of bronze and he is not older so I feel glad that we don’t have the same one … Whew… Mine is young around my age and very brave of course and has black eyes)… he looks a little bit Hawaiian (inspired from you again in a different story) but I don’t think he really is Hawaiian although he could be. He is not very big muscle wise, just strong and actually not very tall either. He is medium height… He kinda looks like my dad in a way (who has black wavy hair and is darker than me) but well not really. (Thank goodness… lol). I love mine he is so brave and a super great leader and at the same time kind hearted and fair. And he loves me he actually comes and holds me and I feel golden skinned and goddessy and free to be soft in his arms. And actually right now he is putting me on a horse next to him and we are riding together at the front of his troops. And he respects me and that feels good. OMG does it feel good. Yay.

    Thank you for letting me use this … I feel honored and accepted.



  29.  #29Daria on February 3, 2009 at 12:08 am

    OMG Bethany I feel chills reading that that is so beautiful about the birds. Wow! I want to post this picture here that I saw online today

    or if it doesn’t show up look at

    http://www.partnerearnings.com/coloredchicks.jpg



  30.  #30Reshi on February 3, 2009 at 12:10 am

    Oh hell yeah. Mine has black eyes too! I feel happy and joyful that Daria’s playing my game. The name Makani is actually the Hawaiian word for wind…random fact of the day. Sometime after I made him up I was reading a book about the Masculine energy that is inherent in women–our animus–and it said something along the lines of “many cultures around the world have called it ‘The Wind.'” I just about fell over when I read that.

    They say that our masculine side can love, support, and energize us, like a loving husband or kind father or older brother, or it can chase us around and beat us down like a hurricane.

    Doesn’t it just feel awesome to have someone like that who’s always there for you, loves you, and makes you feel like a goddess? The fact he isn’t real is of no importance whatsoever; I have it on good authority that he’ll show up in the form of an actual man soon enough.



  31.  #31Daria on February 3, 2009 at 12:12 am

    just wanted to add that I hope this picture a friend of a friend took (baby chickens in Indonesia) doesn’t bother anyone the wrong way, I felt surprised and amazed, but now I realize some may feel differently…



  32.  #32Daria on February 3, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Reshi wow that feels interesting! I have often identified with the Wind because my zodiac sign, Gemini was related to air so I felt wind was a good embodiment of that, and I also feel like I have traveled from far away like the wind… I am now wanting to embrace other aspects of me too so I haven’t felt like “only the wind” maybe because I’m allowing my feminine to blossom (when I came to Rori I was against the feminine… I thought guys only liked guy girls (kinda like you said)) I also stopped focusing on zodiac signs so much because the Gemini is always described as not being able to finish what they start and I dont’ want that to be me, I feel worried it is me and I feel worried I’m self sabotaging by allowing it… I feel a little distracted and like I’m losing energy out hte right part of my head right now! LOL!

    I feel so glad I can use this side of me to support me. I DO so very much want to be a brave and strong warrior leader and I also want to be a soft sensual loving and forgiving and healing and shimmering aroma filling, mysterious lush Goddess.



  33.  #33Reshi on February 3, 2009 at 12:20 am

    I feel annoyed, one of my online guys asked me for more pictures and then when I sent them, immediately gave me the “I’ve met someone” bullshit. Come on now.

    Truth is, though, I felt kind of icky about him to begin with, he went to talking about sex way too fast. At first that felt fun, but ugh. I’ve got better options. I feel glad that this one removed his uselessness from my dating pool.



  34.  #34Reshi on February 3, 2009 at 12:39 am

    I feel honored by the comments from Alias Girl and Bethany. 😀 I always feel so self-conscious when I post my weird stories and weird ideals. I feel so accepted and happy and yay.



  35.  #35alias girl on February 3, 2009 at 1:22 am

    i feel so amazed by everyone. i feel full of love. i feel like almost connected and it’s hard for me to connect to people. esp women normally. i feel tear running down both eyes. hah very dramatic and movie like hah they were both runing down each side of my cheecks at the exact same time. hah. i should be in the movies.

    i feel totally exhilrated with bethany’s progress. it’s totally obvious from the outside. i feel very excited for her.

    actually really for all of us. i feel like my eyes are moving up or out of my face or something. weird. i feel an opening in my torso. more tears but not the perfect movie ones just random sloppy ones.

    i felt disgusted by reshi’s piglike online ack guy. i feel really glad he was out quick.!

    i feel interested in daria’s discoveries ad adventures tonight. i feel really shocked and amazed actually at daria’s candor sometimes. in a good way. but still shcoking. 🙂

    oh before i left for the gym i checked my online profile which i just put back up and there was a super cutie that emailed and that’s kind of rare. but i feel interested in that. maybe bc i had just mad up my mind to circular date no matter what and i felt like i got thrown a bone. (arg no pun intended) but in the past i have struggled with online dating but i was WILLING to try again. and take my energy Off My ex who is totally playing baby games. (whcih is fine i don’t mind his games but one of them is to lean back to see if i lean forward and pick up the man role. which thanks to rori i do not. and then he gets tired of his own game and comes back around. he LOVES that i do not lean forward. but it is still a struggle for me so i really need to amp up my life so i become more naturally leaning back)

    anyway i was just really excited i feel excited to be excited about someone even if it’s just for a second over someone i’ve never met and is

    anyway. i feel positive just staying on course and i love the rori university!



  36.  #36Daria on February 3, 2009 at 2:40 am

    Yay you guys I feel so HAPPY!

    I talked to my most TOXIC EX. He is begging me to see him, and telling me how much he loves me. He is apologizing, and actually he AFFIRMED me when I told him I have changed and that I don’t go see guys any more and I want to get married and stuff…
    (which I do when I find that person which now seems like a possibility for me thanks to Rori)

    I said SO MANY feeling messages, did not really get triggered (too much) , discussed SERIOUS issues from teh past and asked for TOP NOTCH behavior (I called it I want flowers and candy). He said he is not sure he can do flowers and candy… but he said he IS PROUD OF ME for changing… wow that was amazing!

    Ok the guy who is complaining about other guys now has basically imed me really mad because my “online stalker who ims perverted stuff to my online friends about me” imed him… and now he is happily telling me about sexual stuff and seems to be ok with me dating other people…

    LOL…

    this stuff is amazing@

    RORIS stuff WORKS!



  37.  #37Daria on February 3, 2009 at 4:16 am

    Ps – my online stalker’s page got deleted after me and a phew other people reported him. Whew.



  38.  #38katja on February 3, 2009 at 7:40 am

    hey ladies,
    i just wanted to let you all know how i am doing. i shared my anger i stuffed inside myself for so long yesterday with my man (only feeling messages of course) and today he surprised me by bringing me flowers! wow!
    thank you, rori, so much! there is still so much work to do but i feel so much better since i am working with the tools…i feel close to my man again and it gets better every day.
    thank you again!!!
    lots of hugs and love to you all!
    katja



  39.  #39Reshi on February 3, 2009 at 9:28 am

    I wake up so exhausted every morning, no matter how much sleep I get. D: My dreams have been so intense lately, they tire me out.

    Last night, after posting here, I finally was Riffing and was able to dig up a little bit of anger. And then I FELT how there was this very old, many-layers-thick shell of anger built over my heart to keep me protected and keep me from feeling–and then that shifted and faded away and I felt so vulnerable–not sad really, but scared that something bad was going to happen to me now that my armor was gone. I asked my heart what it had to say and it said “I am scared as HELL. I am scared and raw and sore. I have to be numb, I have to be alone.” Well, then Makani showed up to “help” with that issue and the whole thing went off in a lovely new direction, and I felt the love and bliss that I’d wanted to feel at the beginning of my Riff. It was one of those things–I always doubt that Riffing is going to work, and then when it does, it feels like magic, every time.

    Then I fell asleep and was dreaming that my ex had come to stay in this house with me, and was sleeping next to me on the sofa bed, not touching me and continuing to tell me that he had never loved me, at least not with any kind of long-term love. (Who knows, maybe that was true.) I beat the CRAP out of him and told him to go away and never come back again. I didn’t feel powerful when I was hitting him but when I told him to leave and he did, then I felt like a Goddess. And then I went into a room by myself and screamed so loudly and for so long that I damaged my hearing–but I knew I had to do it in order to be OK, since I don’t really ever get to scream my head off in real life, and would really kind of like to right about now.



  40.  #40Linda on February 3, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Well Ladies….when I read some of what you write I wonder, where do they get all their energy? This stuff wears me out. LOL

    Even though I am still wish I was with the man that left me, I am moving forward. I am glad I had the experience with this new fellow. It only lasted for about 10 days until I shut it down. It was good practice for me. There is one thing that shines out most and I feel at peace with myself today. It has been a long time since I have felt this way. I dont feel angry today and full of dread no sadness or remorse, just peace. I was happy to know I was not going to get a call from my circular date that I had no interest in. I am glad to have found the strenght to not live in my head but follow my instinct and tell him. I practiced some tools… mostly leaning back. In doing so I was actually able concentrate on how I was feeling and how he affected me when we talked or were together. He left me feeling dull, flat, and unenergized and NOT attracted to him in any way.

    It is so great to find me again. I have been so burried under all the rubble of my lost relationship and all the stuff it triggered in me that I did not know if my small guiding inner voice me would every speak up again. It did and I responded…. I HUG that part of me. When I was desperately to fix or save my lost relationship… Fear, sadness, grief, anger, panic… they all took over demanded my attention and they and ruled me.

    It is good to feel centered again today. It is the first time in a long time and well over due.

    Peace floods over me and I want to spill it out on to everybody.

    Linda



  41.  #41alias girl on February 3, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    yae linda! yae for linda! i feel happy to hear about your sense of peace today! also about your success with listening to and following your feelings!



  42.  #42Linda on February 3, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    alias girl

    Thank you for your support. Your comments (both) of them made me smile. I like your idea of NO LONG DATES. Mine would have been short if …well I just couldnt get this guy to stop talking. LOL I sure learned alot about what not to do when you meet someone. Obviously he has not been reading this blog ! It was good practice, waiting on round two with a new subject!.

    heehee

    Smiles to you… Linda



  43.  #43alias girl on February 3, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    NO LONG DATES!

    xoxo!



  44.  #44Ann on February 3, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Hi Daria,

    I haven’t read any futher than your IM with the guy so forgive me if I’m repeating others.

    If I were you I would keep standing my ground as you are doing. When I read your IM conversation I felt annoyed with him because I felt he was pressuring you then saying he wasn’t. I gave him props for changing his wording of “shopping around” to “exploring”. But as I read my interpretation was of 2 people that have a different interpretation of their status. 2 people trying to “convince”(I read Christain Carter) each other to see it their way.

    I feel you are lucky because your not emotionally entangled with this man. So thereforth, you can keep practicing the tools.

    I personally, if I was in the situation would say something like this to him.

    “I’m sorry if you feel disrespected. That is not my intention. At this point in time I want to date men. I want to have fun. I want to get to know myself, my likes, my wants better. I won’t be exclusive with any man till I feel “to be only with each other” is what we both want.”

    I would stand my ground calmly as I could but I wouldn’t keep repeating it.



  45.  #45alias girl on February 3, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    i feel excited about ann’s response. i am going to copy it an memorize it!

    i feel similar about repeating things sometimes. after awhile i just stop. depends on if i feel like i’m just being played. in a conversation like darials i don’t mind repeating myself because they were both being triggered and also they were searching for truth through their conversation so personally i don’t feel like i’m not being heard i feel like maybe we are both still searching for a truth. it depends really on how i FEEL in the moment.

    i feel like maybe he was trying to manipulate her in the im conversation (and otherwise?) but manipulation may be coming from both sides in that scenario. but i don’t knwo i am not them. manipulation maybe isn’t the correct word. ?



  46.  #46Ann on February 3, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Hi AG, I’m glad to be back don’t like ice storms lol.

    For me it’s a personal thing, I won’t keep repeating myself with anyone. Unless I see we are making some kind of leadway in the situation. Meaning I’m begining to see what they’re saying or vice versa.

    To me it’s a waste of my time and energy(as well as theirs) to keep saying the same thing. It’s convincing “in other words here’s why I’m right and your wrong, don’t you see it?” It’s been my experience no-one gets it in a conversation like that.

    It’s feels great to be back, reading and chatting with you wonderful ladies.



  47.  #47Dorothea on February 3, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    Daria,
    I feel inspired by your IM conversation. I feel afraid of him. He feels insecure and afraid to me. I felt like he was basically begging you to tell him he IS good enough, which feels totally scary and manipulative. The repeated comments about you being like a high schooler felt like red flags. Yikes. I would really like to hear how other women here perceive his comments…

    The way you kept standing your ground about not becoming exclusive was brilliant and concise. I feel amused to high heaven that he really REALLY believes it is healthy and correct for two people get to know each other in an exclusive context. It feels like you’re Magellan and he still believes and insists the world is flat.



  48.  #48Daria on February 4, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Hehe… thanks… it was a really triggering and interesting experience… my PALMS were actually sweating like crazy through that whole IM experience… I feel so nervous!

    More interesting stuff: afterward he chased me down through every means of communication possible…

    and had a really sweet conversation with me (much longer than the posted one) making me laugh and trying to turn me on… I guess after all he wants to date me…

    So I don’t know, what I will do, I canceled with him last nite and we have another martial arts training/date tomorrow…

    thank you Dorothea I’m glad that you mentioned that his insecurity and little attacks could be red flags! I hadn’t even realized that… because I have him categorized under “good guy” because he seems to like me and actually spends money on me and picks me up (which is probably not the best determinant but is something I want to practice with because I never required/allowed it in the past).



  49.  #49heartbeat on February 4, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Katja – I feel delighted reading your news! I hope to hear more from you.

    I’m FASCINATED reading ALL the comments and learning so much. (Daria thank you for sharing your IM conversation, I was glued.)

    Ann you feel so elegant to me, I look out for your comments. Thank you.



  50.  #50Ann on February 5, 2009 at 1:42 am

    Heartbeat thank you. I feel awestruck by your comment to me. Noone has ever called me elegant before. It feels special and good.



  51.  #51Flipper on February 5, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Hey goddesses, newly enlightened ones , just to be fair: isn’t being exclusive with the one you’re dating where we’ve all been coming from? And hasn’t exclusivity from the man been considered a point in his favor (given so many guys’ common ability to sleep around even when in a steady relationship with no skin off His nose)? That’s all just “common sense” as we’ve all been taught, and bought into. Isn’t that mindset part of our problem with circular dating?

    Of course, if We’re dating exclusively, it’s because we really like and want to keep that particular one. And if we dump the others like a hot potato (after one or no go), it’s cuz we don’t feel it with them and don’t want to lead anyone on, nor waste our own time. I’m all for dumping immediately the scary, obnoxious types that make you feel actually bad . But circular dating is all about going a bit beyond the one-shot, final judgement, until you find what this particular messenger is bringing you. And Not Feeling Guilty about it (he’s only seeing you because He wants to – if he has an agenda about what you should do, that’s his problem). AND learning to Receive From a Man, Gracefully, Gratefully, with no sense of ‘debt’ (thus honoring yourself, and also his gift (of dinner, whatever) which he made in recognition of the greater risk we take in going with a man than them with us – Also, remember gifts have no strings attached and belong to the recipient to do with as they please). This doesn’t mean you have to go on and on, especially not pretending anything, until HE gives up (if you’re really into yourself and feeding him feeling messages, there’s probably less chance he’ll initiate stopping). I feel the real message will most likely show up after a only a few dates, then you can bow out as Linda did, simply and truthfully (she did not have to spell out her repulsion in all its gory detail to do that authenically).

    The other reason for not bad-mouthing exclusivity on the man’s part, is that We Want It. And too bad for the seeming hypocrisy. We’re just not coming from the same place, and it’s okay to have this assymetrical situation. The man will only be exclusive if he actually wants to (for his reasons, not ours), because he wants you so bad and knows that would be a deal-breaker in getting you. (And remember, Rori also explained how exclusivity is actually both more practical and easier for many men, in response to their Own needs, again Not Ours, and doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with a desire for a Real relationship on their part). We don’t have to be tested in our ability to be loyal and exclusive. But practicing too early for someone who hasn’t committed for the long haul just makes us needy, dulls our capacity to see who the other person is and what’s really going on. There are some things in the posts (Rori’s, and I remember Lin on this, among others) and probably the programs about how to get this situation accepted (plus Ann’s contribution, above), but I feel it all boils down to believing in ourself and putting our needs in their proper place – FIRST.



  52.  #52katja on February 5, 2009 at 9:50 am

    heartbeat,thank you so much!

    i am still struggling with too much thinking about things and about him.i feel so much tension in my shoulders when this happens. but i am practising and learning so much every day. i’m getting stronger inside and i realize now what i’ve done wrong in almost EVERY relationship i ever had-even the ones with my girlfriends. it’s really like therapy-i even dream about the tools and everything i learned from it. wow!

    my insecurities are getting smaller and i am practising with people i meet on the street and in shops etc. i feel so much more confident though i still have a long way to go to reach my goal.

    btw tomorrow is my boyfriends birthday and i am really looking forward to it because we are going out with friends and its the first time since the delivery of the baby. i feel so exited and also a bit insecure because there will be some of his female friends who are still chasing him.i feel so unrespected by them,they are texting him all the time asking for coffee dates or something like that.its ridiculous because he never texts back and they only meet occasionally when he visits mutual friends. i don’t get it! one of those girls is in a relationship since four years and lives with her boyfriend. i really don’t know why she is texting my boyfriend all the time. i feel jealous and angry about this. anyone in a similar situation here?

    i am going to do some extra self-esteem tools today to feel stronger and more confident tomorrow.

    i will let you all know afterwards how it all went.

    love to you all!
    katja



  53.  #53alias girl on February 5, 2009 at 11:35 am

    i felt happy and interested and appreciative to read flippers words regarding exclusivity and circular dating etc.

    sometimes i want exclusivity asap so i feel secure.when really if some of the men from my past had offered it to me i’d have trapped myself into something that wasn’t even that great. heck i might even still be with that peron (whichever one) in misery bc neither of us had good relationship skills.

    if i find good sex or get triggered in that daddy attraction i usually want to be exclusive waaayyyyy too soon. i feel happy to have more skills and awareness now. i feel grateful for rori her tools and the women on this blog. i have a better chance now of really creating something healthy and good in my relationship (s)

    yae! 🙂



  54.  #54Flipper on February 5, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    To “The woman who cares”: It’s really weird, what you reproach of Rori’s methods seems to be based on the catchy titles from the E-letters and maybe blog posts – basically a marketing/journalistic tool to pull the reader in – and the deductions that YOU make as to their content being similar to the usual stuff served up under stuch titles. Because what Rori actually is promoting is many of the very ideas proponed in your post! Really weird.

    I’m feeling all funny about this. I feel it’s strange that this got past the moderator, but if that is not a mistake, I feel it demonstrates the intellectual honesty of the program that doesn’t fear criticism.



  55.  #55alias girl on February 5, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    i feel curious about the woman named A Woman Who Cares.

    i feel unsettled about extreme hostility directed at other human beings over something such as a computer glitch or human error regarding unsubscribing to a newsletter. i unsubscribed months ago (i had gotten in a fuss and was mad at everyone) and it was IMMEDIATELY unsubscribed. so i feel confident if WWC (woman who cares) make another request it will be taken care of promptly.

    i feel shut down to people who are so harshly critical of something else. i feel suspicious that perhaps they have some work to do in dealing with their anger and wrath and judgements about something going on OUTSIDE them.

    i feel compassion. if rori’s work does not resonate with you wwc then once you are unsubscribed you will have nothing to worry about as you will no longer be exposed to something that triggers you into such an angry state of being.

    i feel wary of people who want to impose their moral code on EVERYBODY. people can choose for themselves. i don’t believe in many things but i am not out to abolish them . even killing. i am very against killing other people but abolishing hasn’t stopped it.

    teaching people self love and self esteem might irradicate it though. which is what rori has personally helped me with. i am very grateful someone who does not know me or what i need didn’t have the power to shut her down just bc it didn’t agrre with them.

    to each his own. good luck wwc. take care.

    i love rori!



  56.  #56Linda on February 5, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Flipper thanks for your comment. I do think that honesty is ALWAYS the best policy!.. I am not into drama. Knowing what I a feeling and responding to it brings peace. I received his message into my life very quickly there was no need to linger.

    As for what the “woman who cares” said…I do not know how she came upon this site or Rori’s materials. I do not know what circumstances in her life led her here. I do know what circumstances led me here. I was desperately looking for a way to a relationship that meant everything to me. Tactics and trickery, manipulation here? I think that is harsh. Like anything we encounter in life, everything has good and bad in it and we can learn from anything if we have an willingness to. Do I agree with everything that I read here and adopt it into my life. Did I find ways listed here to manipulate things to keep the relationship I desperatly wanted to hold on to? Nope absolutely not! However… I what I did find was help for me personally. I found topics here that challanged me to explore within myself . I have come face to face and learned how to deal with things that have hindered me for a long time. I have been able to identify things within me that needed changing as a result of my reading here. For example… painting myself in Love… I never did that before. I always overfunctioned, put myself last did very little for just me. Her topic on that challanged me and I have changed my attitude toward myself as a result….I am a happier woman because it too. Oh a biggie with this was self esteem it sky rocketed.

    The concept of Leaning Forward, Leaning back, listening so you can be in touch with how you feel when you are with someone…they are not avenues of manipulation.. but rather tools to be use so that we can make better decisions in all our relationships. There are many more but I will stop.

    I am in a better place today because of many of the things I have read here than I was 6 months ago. Are their things I have read here that disagree with, absolutely, beyond that though there are many more that I do agree with because they have challanged me and I am the better for it.

    Linda



  57.  #57katja on February 5, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    i feel so upset about that comment from “woman who cares”! everything rori teaches is not game-playing,it’s not even close to manipulating someone.in fact it is the complete opposite to me. it’s real and honest to me. i also feel confused because i think wwc sounds contradictory. and what i honestly do not understand is why she subscribed to the e-letter if she isn’t open to it. but ok,everyone has his or her own opinion. i have my own opinion about why she started this discussion…



  58.  #58Ann on February 5, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    I have a couple of questions and comments. First WWC why did you feel the need to put this berating of Rori and us here? I read your post as saying she’s manipulative and we’re dumb. Excuse me I’m a smart female I don’t take anything at just because it was said, it’s true. I test and find out for myself.

    Rori may I ask why this was let through? I know this is your blog and it’s your choice what is allowed on it, but I don’t appreciate anyone calling me stupid.



  59.  #59Rori Raye on February 5, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Hi – I did go back and forth about letting this through – and then I thought – Woman Who Cares “showed up” and if I just shut down, instead of looking for the Message, we’d all be missing a moment of getting “Triggered” – right here, right now, and I wouldn’t be “walking my talk” – which is how this all works so well.

    So – this is how I worked through it. Woman Who Cares, first I wrote you a long personal email – and when I read it, it sounded like I was defending myself. So, I rewrote. And this time it felt a bit over the top “Nice.”

    I ended up with something to use here as a comment, but if I’d worked it through even more, I know it would have ended up even more peaceful-feeling.

    Basically, I thank you, WWC, for letting me know about the technical snafu, and I’ve taken care of that. Please let me know if you still are receiving my letters into next week (sometimes channels take a bit of time – technology is far from perfect…)

    Then, I appreciate your strong and passionate voice and the time you took to express yourself here.

    Then, I know you were looking for improvement in your love life when you signed up for my newsletter and read my 5 Free Tools, and if, after reading through this site and all my letters again (perhaps even my ebook) you feel I might be able to help you, it would be great to have you join the discussion.

    Now – to jump off for all of us: Whenever someone isn’t happy with us, we’re triggered. It’s a big deal. We feel bad, then we get angry, then we try to make sense and talk people out of their opinions and feelings so we can regain our view of ourselves that we’re comfortable with- and the truth is – life is SO much better if we can let all that go.

    I appreciate you all and how much you’re contributing here and to each other – every single time we put ourselves out there, we chance drawing in a negative word and energy – and this is so a part of life for us to learn to accept.

    I saw, on the Huffington Post about a month ago, a letter from Deepak Chopra in response to a slam he’d gotten from some well-known writer in a well-known magazine. I was pretty shocked – not because of anything he said, but because he even BOTHERED to answer this woman publicly.

    Here was Deepak Chopra – DEFENDING himself!

    So – when I saw that, I realized we are, none of us, ever going to get rid of that first bad feeling and impulse to defend ourselves when someone doesn’t like something we’ve done or said. It’s how we notice our reactions, and what we do that determines where we go from there – to another level of accepting ourselves and peace, or back a few steps into letting our Nasty Voice have its way with us.

    For WWC – I pretty much believe that your letter was meant for someone else, because we all agree with everything you believe about the strength of women, boundaries, and self-esteem.

    Where we differ is in the feeling of “judgment” that flows throughout your letter. I believe the only way to “help” anyone else is to love ourselves, love them, have compassion for ourselves, and compassion for them, and meet other human beings wherever they are – not where WE think they SHOULD be.

    We are all on our own paths and all starting from different places – and so many of us are starting from difficult places with tons of baggage on our Horses and our bodies and hearts.

    So – love to you on your path, and I wish you well.

    Love, Rori



  60.  #60Reshi on February 6, 2009 at 12:54 am

    LOL. I feel so amused by WWC’s comment. If that’s not preaching to the choir I don’t know what is…



  61.  #61heartbeat on February 6, 2009 at 9:42 am

    I feel stunned! and confused… and a bit manipulated. When I started reading Woman Who Cares’ comment, I became very very still and on edge, then further on the whole comment felt different, stuff I could agree with. Like it was written by two different people. I wonder if someone feels like stirring things up a bit.

    I like Rori’s response. I imagine it was a challenge to process.



  62.  #62Lisa on July 10, 2010 at 2:24 am

    I am not sure what I feel. I feel angry. I sent him a private message on facebook very short, asked how’s it going. He replied ten minutes later “It’s going well!! How are you? How have you been?” I was too angry to respond because we used to text on phone all the time. Then after we had sex we texted less as I wanted to see him again when he came back to the city where his band was playing. He had friends come from out of town, but instead of just telling me this (I found out from posts and pics on his fb) he just kept changing plans with me saying let’s get together on this day and of course when that day arrived he had another excuse for not meeting. So since then, and it has been 6 months, I have felt angry and slowly took myself out of fb chat so he would not chat there in hopes he would try to text me again. Ugh. Not. Now he will be on fb as I see his posts in the home page feed and activity on his page, but now he won’t be in chat, he will be offline. I was too angry at his pleasant reply as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. It has been a fling more or less but we had before been in touch by text. I had even texted one time I was angry with him long before we had sex and he replied the next day wondering why I was angry. At that time it was because he didn’t reply to my text the night before other than a short it is going great. He said he was playing and could not txt anymore. But what about later when they were done? He could’ve replied and he had before and he knows I work a late shift so he knew I’d be awake. I feel angry at his reply and that we were reduced to private messaging. It feels so impersonal. Hell the whole “relationship” felt impersonal. He is drinking, I am not, so he thinks sexting is ok. I crossed the line doing that with him, and if I were still drinking I would’ve maybe been even crazier. I did not agree to send him pics that he asked for as that was way over the line for me, especially since we were not exclusive. I could tell in the beginning when he moved into sexting he was used to women responding to that. I held strong at first, but loneliness got the best of me and it went from there. I feel good I didn’t send nude pics via text and I even joked sending him a picture of a wood box I have when he asked if I was going to send pics of my chest : ) He said thanks for sharing. I am rambling I feel, but it feels good to finally say somewhere else besides my friends how I am feeling. They say just move on, he isn’t worth it and another is understanding to the attachment I feel. I want to tell him his reply got buried in my email and finally reply, but I cannot think of what I want to say. He is used to women who go to bars, other singers, marketing stuff, etc. so when he asks what I have been up to, my life I feel seems sedate compared to them. I want to tell him he really hurt me 6 months ago and when I asked about 2 months ago if his cell phone was broken, he said he had got a new one and the number was being ported over. Ironically he had posted on his fb page to reply to someone “like I was texting you…” so I felt that new phone thing was a lie. There have been several phone, texting issues over this past year and a half so it makes me skeptical. So I replied and said “whatever, whether it is teleported or boob ported…” Of course the boob got his attention, he thought I was going to finally txt pics of my chest. So then he texted that afternoon to say “his number was ported over”. I didn’t send pics of course, but I figured him out from that. I think he is sexting with other women, has been and they are sending pics is why we are in less contact. Regardless, I do not like the distance I feel between us, part of it my doing. I am too angry, hurt, and know I deserve better, but there have been NO prospects for dating here, either. Ugh. I am fed up.



  63.  #63Rori Raye on July 10, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Lisa – Hi – and there ARE other prospects for you to date. You just aren’t open to them yet, because you’re looking for the same package you’re always attracted to. Try changing your interests and your daily life in small ways, and see what happens. Love, Rori



  64.  #64Not so angry on August 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

    I love this post and the things you say in it. I have tried to hold down anger for many years from the different things life has thrown at me and the types of toxic relationships I have been in. I can look back now and see all the toxicity it brought to me by myself. For years I have kept the attitude of fuck men and what they are about and told everyone of them that i can do without them better than i can do with them. After the last relationship I was in, I sat down and really started paying attention to your eletters and read your ebook and really looked at my life and found the most anger I have within me that keeps getting in my way. In the last few months I have been dealing with my anger and my feelings on anything I get triggered on with me. I have been taking notes of how I feel and why I feel the way I do and let them spill out into my notes. I can say that this has opened me up to me on a level I never considered I kept away from myself. The same things that triggered anger in me a year ago no longer triggers me. I am finding new triggers it seems on almost a daily basis but it is not as much anger as when I first started going down into myself.
    Today I have been reading a lot of posts on here, and with a lot of woman that have the same type of anger issues and they asking how to get through them. Working through them is the best thing ever to happen! Embrace it, if it embarrasses you or makes you cringe in anyway, then do something to get your mind off it, then go back and try to work through it again for yourself. I use to feel like a total basket case when I would get triggered and often called myself “crazy” and then I would feel even lower. But once I started paying attention to how I was truly feeling in the moment, I began to see a difference in things in myself. Now when I feel triggered, I even say I am triggered and starting to feel angry. And I then feel a sense of peace within myself to not act out in my anger at someone. I use to be the queen at acting out in anger at people. Even lately, the people that have known me for years has seen this change and a friend brought it to my attention the other night when we was out for a few drinks. I hadn’t seen her in a few years and by the end of the night, she asked me how I am not as angry person as I use to be. I had to think about it before I could even answer. I ended up explaining to her how I looked deeply into myself to see the anger and how I turned it into a positive instead of a negative for me. I told her how every morning for the last 5 months I wake up, close the bathroom door, take a steamy shower and let my mind melt down the drain with the water as I am cleaning my outside I am also cleaning my inside. Then i stand in front of the mirror that is steamed over and slowly with one finger swipe away the mist from the mirror to my face really looking at each part that appears in front of me. Letting my mind see every scar, physical and not physical. This helped me get into my feelings in a way I cannot explain.
    I found out most of my anger was I blamed myself for the toxic relationships I had or any bad thing that happened in my life. I tried stuffing these feelings down for so many years, they ended up coming up in one form or another. I am far from being complete with my anger, but I can see a difference in how I approach my anger and how I deal with it when it comes to being around other people. I felt my self esteem rise, and my confidence level increase. I found the safety within myself that I was looking for in other people.

    Rori, you statement “Anger takes on more than its share. It rises up against the person or the experience that Triggered it. It becomes protection on the OUTSIDE, instead of what it truly is” is so true. I even knew this for years because I would even tell my closest friends when they said I needed to just open up to people, I would tell them I had to protect myself and I used anger lashing comments at people to protect myself, hold myself back and not let me be who I truly am which made my anger increase. Working through my anger has truly helped me increase myself to a person I know I am and I am able to move on with my life and finding less triggers hurt as much as I once felt. To me, this is a big step and I wanted to thank Rori for the information she does give people. It truly helps.