Announcing The Completely Revised 2nd Edition Of My Best-Selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want!

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New Ebook HTRYWMy Have The Relationship You Want eBook is THE foundation for everything I teach – the work that started it all, and the first place I send my clients to find the secrets they need to attract and keep the love they deserve. And now I want to share it with you more than ever.

Because my eBook has been completely updated for 2013! This isn’t just a few tweaks here and there – it’s A WHOLE NEW EXPERIENCE FOR YOU: more in-depth advice, simplified Tools to start using today, with additional formats and a beautiful new design.

This second edition comes after 5+ years of hearing feedback from women all over the world, developing my programs, and learning in my own marriage.

New For 2013: My Bigger, Better eBook

Read it and discover:

* A complete how-to manual for connecting to his heart

* My 5-step action plan for having your dream relationship

* 50+ more pages of content, Tools & Exercises

* 7-day risk-free trial: Read it all before you buy

Try It Now

It comes from seeing how my teachings and coaching have changed women’s lives and how times are changing – from dating and flirting to commitment and beyond.

I originally wrote the eBook to show you how I turned my own failing marriage around, but now the book is so much more! It’s a complete manual for relating to a man and creating the love and romance you dream of with him – and every woman should own it.

With this new edition, you’ll get ALL my core concepts PLUS fresh content all packaged together into a real, actionable plan to get you the relationship you want.

Introducing My Completely Revised eBook

Here’s what you’ll get with my new second edition:

A Self-Help Book That Really Works

In the 200+ pages of my eBook, you’ll learn not only how and why a man will connect and be completely devoted to you – but I also give you page after page of Tools and exercises that MAKE IT HAPPEN. Best of all, the Tools are easy and become second nature so that you completely change your vibe: Bring out your most attractive, alluring you and making it easier than ever to create the relationship you want.

Advice And Tools For The Way We Love Now

Is it okay to ask a man out? What about online dating? In today’s day and age, gender lines are blurred. Men aren’t quite sure what we want from them, and we women don’t know how to give it to them! My eBook sets it all straight – telling you exactly what you should know so you don’t accidentally push a good man away… and instead you’ll be sure HE’S the one doing the pursuing.

A Digital-Friendly Format (And New Design) That Makes Reading A Breeze

PC, Mac, phone, tablet, Kindle – however and whenever you want my advice (even in the middle of a date or the middle of the night!), you’ll have all of it right at your fingertips. And I know you’ll love the new design as much as I do. Not only is it beautiful to look at, but it makes finding what you need easier than ever – with Tools and exercises clearly marked for you.

A Book Of Real Hope – No Matter What Your Situation

When was the last time you read something that made you feel really good about your life and your chances for feeling love? Because from the very beginning of my eBook, you’re going to feel uplifted. Inspired. Convinced that the love you want is out there for you. You’ll read all about my story (including the embarrassing details), and you’ll hear about other women who went from “It’s never going to happen to me” to “I never thought love could be this good!”

Turn Your Love Life Around Today

My eBook isn’t just a book: It’s over two decades of what I’ve learned in my marriage, hours upon hours with my clients, and everything that went into my programs, teleclasses, newsletters and blog posts.

I wanted to create something that would be a complete go-to manual for you – whether you’re dating or you’ve been with a man for years.

And this is it. Please don’t miss it. I’ll show you how to inspire a man’s devotion so he falls more and more in love with you every day… and only with a few simple changes on your part:

Read My eBook Now

I know you’ll be talking about this with friends over dinner, calling them in the middle of a chapter, keeping it at your fingertips, and referring to it again and again.

And I can’t wait to hear how it has turned everything around for you.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Jilly on January 23, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    I want the new edition 🙂

  2.  #2Starla on January 23, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Me too. If anything, just to support Rori.

  3.  #3Jilly on January 23, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    I love everything she creates so I’m sure I would love the new edition. I am positive I attracted the perfect man to me because of all of her information and putting it into practice. I really am living a fairy tale…

  4.  #4Daria on January 23, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    I got it ! Loving it !

  5.  #5Vi on January 23, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    My shoulders have never felt so relaxed

  6.  #6Femininewoman on January 23, 2013 at 6:00 pm


  7.  #7BeLoved on January 23, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Wow…my super-slow processor just realized something just now about C.
    The one time we went to hang out after work, we sat down for 5 minutes and he got a call and had to leave.
    He was in SO much pain, and was saying, “I don’t want you to think I don’t want to stay here with you…”
    Then the next week at work he actually wanted to talk to me about it, saying the same thing.
    That was a couple of months ago and it
    JUST now ocurred to me, that all of that pain he was feeling, all of that fear, all of that freaking out was because he was more worried about trying to keep me hooked on his words over actions than
    how I felt getting left there alone in the restaurant.

    Oh sheesh…

    *forehead smack*

    I must have thought it was cute or something that he was so concerned with my opinion of him.
    *shakes head*

    Awww…live and learn.

  8.  #8Vi on January 23, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    I feel so embarrassed that one of my male colleagues is aware now that Im reading the blog… meaning: there is beating up going on inside me.. I feel bad that ‘I need help’. I feel not good enough because of that. Sigh. I love my ‘needing help’ part. I love my ‘weakness’. I want to judge it as weekness though. I don’t want to judge it neither as ‘good’ nor as ‘bad’.. sigh. I love my shame. I love my ‘troubles’ and feeling clueless. I know there is power in my clueslessness. It feels super cute actually. My own heart goes aww when I think about my embarrassement and cluessness. And I feel in awe of how brave I am to feel my way through and work on that.

    I have this belief ‘it is wrong to ask for help’ or even just simply ask for anything. I feel that it blocks a big chunk of my feminine power. Thanks for knowing that Vi. It feels good to be understood and listened to. Thank you for attending to this belief. I love my blocks around asking. Hehe.. I can try smth else now.. if I want to.. I will be fine!

  9.  #9Sensiouswoman on January 23, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Congrats Rori… I will be looking forward to checking this out..

    I do have a question for you or any of the other divas who want to answer me.

    Here is my delima.. I have been circular dating.. currently seeing 3 men.. and there is one that I see more often than the others..

    Here is my question… he has not yet asked me to be exclusive.. but he tells me he loves me.. I am confused… I am beginning to have deep feelings about him too.. and certainly love him as a friend.. he is such a great guy.. and I feel very safe with him because he has such a great disposition and I am begining to fall in love with him also.
    We are sleeping together…it is wonderful and fantastic.. and I have sleep also with one of the other guys…

    But he has yet to ask me to be exclusive.. and I am not sure about what to do. I do not want to quit seeing the other men unless this one wants me to be exclusive..

    I am not too sure if I should be sleeping with more than one man.. I am enjoying the other guy too.. but we don’t see one another that often.

    So I want to know how I should broach the topic..

    He has never asked if I am seeing other men…

    So does anyone have any advice for me? please?

  10.  #10Indigo on January 23, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Sensious Woman

    I think this is a classic case of, consult your feelings and see if this situation feels good, or bad for you. Do you have expectations that, if unmet, will lead to disappointment or pain? How do you feel sleeping with more than one man? Does it make you feel like a gorgeous, juicy goddess? Or does it hurt you a little?

    As far as I know, Rori advises not to initiate the relationship talk with a man. If I were you, I would take some time to really sink into my feelings and maybe we can help you with suggestions once you can tell us how you feel and what you want?

  11.  #11Indigo on January 23, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Aah, I would love to have a session with Dominique!

    I think it’s time for me to get a credit card 🙂

  12.  #12Tereana on January 24, 2013 at 12:30 am

    Ooh, second edition. Fancy!

    Ok, here’s what I posted on the last thread:

    I keep remembering things that I left in the Scary Guy’s house (that’s his new name – he’s a Scary Guy. He is no longer anything resembling a Man, real or otherwise).

    There were things I left intentionally. But some that I did not. I actually went back in to get my shoes, and couldn’t find them. And there were other things I forgot completely. Oh well. I think I got most of the important stuff. It was like leaving a burning house. I just wanted to get out of there.

    But I feel weird. And that’s the best word I can think of right now. I’ve so longed for the ability and the opportunity to allow myself to be “claimed” by the masculine, as it were. This is a common theme here, & I have a relationship coach friend who is fond of this topic.

    So now I’ve had the opportunity, and I let myself be “claimed.” With disastrous results. What am I supposed to do with this information? It is so hard for me to love men, because, at base, they scare the crap out of me. This guy was one of the worst. I let him get close to me, only to discover that he lied or misrepresented nearly everything about himself. And yet I so longed to be “claimed” that I listened to his words as if they were golden.

    It’s a slight vindication that, at the end of it, he said that it was “his loss.” And I’ve decided that it doesn’t work for me to harbor hate for him. That doesn’t feel good. But neither does being “claimed” when it’s by a guy who only wants to use me, not to help me or provide for me. Ugh.

    What am I supposed to doooooo??????

    The question running through my mind all day has been, “how many awful experiences with guys does it take to turn me into a lesbian?”

    seriously. The only thing that all these men have in common is that they are guys. And that seems to be their worst offense….

  13.  #13Sha-sha on January 24, 2013 at 12:49 am

    Hi ladies! Hoping I can buy Rori’s new book Friday 🙂

  14.  #14Sha-sha on January 24, 2013 at 12:50 am

    Hi ladies! Hoping I can buy Rori’s book on Friday 🙂

  15.  #15Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 3:16 am

    I spent last night with D (he invited me) and he was totally wonderful to me.

    He has Rheumatoid Arthritis and so takes strong medication once a week which leaves him feeling a bit ill and out of it for about a day, and that day was yesterday. It made me feel good that he wanted me around anyway, and he told me when I arrived that he wasn’t feeling all that well.

    YET, he made a huge effort to make me feel wanted. He came and lay next to me, touching me, stroking me. He even said, “if it wasn’t so hot I would love to cuddle with you”, and then pulled me into his arms for a cuddle embrace anyway.

    I was on my period and he made me tea and went out to the shops to get me chocolate.

    He contacts me several times a week and wants to see me, and is making all this effort in these little ways. All of this makes me very happy. And yet, I don’t know what to do, because it seems as if it’s not going to go any further for now. :/

  16.  #16Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 3:16 am

    I would totally appreciate anyone’s insight or perspective on this.

    Thanks Sirens 🙂


  17.  #17BeLoved on January 24, 2013 at 3:36 am

    Naww…it wasn’t even about trying to keep me hooked, it didn’t have anything to do with me.

    Annie…thank you thank you for repeating it again and again, it helps me remember –
    stuff like that doesn’t have anything to do with me aside from my own participation in being there, knowing d*mned well I was in a sketchy situation.

  18.  #18Tam on January 24, 2013 at 4:41 am

    Indigo…can you live with the uncertainty of not knowing where it’s going, maybe expressit to him that this is difficult for you although you are having such a wonderful time..
    and maybe CD?
    Maybe you do already…that would be my plan of action, I guess…

  19.  #19Tam on January 24, 2013 at 4:50 am

    So eventually after ignoring a few calls I spoke to Curly. He isn’t giving up and it doesn’t matter what I say and how I say it….I can be totally unsireny and blamey and attacking…and he gets angry and then calms down. And he kind of sees my point.
    That I don’t agree with his lifestyle/some of his friends etc etc. I am beginning to feel he sees me as a mummy who smacks him…as though he needs it?
    It’s kind of weird because most men would have run at this point…I really really told him the truth of how I feel and what I think and it isn’t kind (as you all know).
    I don’t know, really. I don’t see myself in a relationship with him – do I want to keep him as a CD? Hm. I don’t know.
    It’s not even that I can practice with him much because he really has a habit of bringing out my biatch and I can’t even be bothered with feeling messages..haha.
    It makes no difference.
    With MrP and his fragile ego, I was always so careful…he would react so nice to feeling messages and when I got blamey or rejecty he would be woooooosh – out of there.
    Curly just stays and I guess he is a real MrPersistent.
    Although not for me.
    Guess I might go back on the internet…get some more CD’s.

  20.  #20Tam on January 24, 2013 at 5:09 am

    I could bake my perfect man. I would take the good bits from Curly, the good bits and looks from MrP…and voila!
    Wow, that would be a great guy. Affectionate, loving, caring, attentive, outdoorsy, intelligent, not into anything immoral or illegal…a nice stocky body, fit, able to set his minds and hands to anything, safety and security conscious, good with money, owning his own house, boat, plane…whoa.
    That guy is probably married already if he even exists.

  21.  #21Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Indigo it is my understanding from Rori that we women as so afraid of intimacy we avoid the “commitment” word like it is the plague. From Reconnect Your Rekationship I kinda picked up that it is okay to ask “what do you see for us in the future”. The key is to pick up in the moment when he initiates something to ask such a question when the mood is right.

    I also think about the Hendricks when they talk about “telling the microscopic truth”. If uncertainty is swirling around in your energy I imagine that he feels it and might be wondering what you are thinking. My best advice to you would be to sit down and sink into yourself. Write down everything you want and are feeling and are uncertain about. Then use that as a base to create a script and go practice talking in the mirror. You are a girl and if you find yourself wanting more then honor that part of you. If he poofs after, then you would have your answer. No? What do you think?

  22.  #22Tam on January 24, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Nobody there?!

    Is it me you’re looking foooor???

  23.  #23Tam on January 24, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Ah FW, there you are!!

  24.  #24Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 5:53 am

    Indigo I have to admit though that I don’t remember your history with D. Could it be that you are way ahead of him on the relationship timeline?

  25.  #25Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 5:55 am

    That guy is probably married already if he even exists.

    This could be a belief flying below your level of consciousness that cause you to sabotage yourself. I would shine a light on this to see what I am telling myself. It is something I used to tell myself years ago.

  26.  #26Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 5:59 am

    To Get What You Want from Your Man, Understand This…

    Change starts when we recognize the simple biological differences between men and women. For instance….

    Women generally want connection and family: they define themselves by their relationships.

    They have the nurturing instinct, the need to take care of others and maintain the health and wellness of the people they care for.

    Men, however, generally identify themselves by what they do: they want to be providers.

    A man has a need to take care of the family and be the breadwinner. It is a subconscious need — most men are not even aware that they have this need or drive.

    While men have many of these subconscious drives, there are at least five basic needs that all men have deep within themselves; if any of these needs are not being met, it will cause problems in your relationship.

    The 5 Basic Needs that ALL Men Have…

    What are these needs? They are:

    1. Words of affirmation and praise.

    2. A sense of being respected.

    3. The feeling that he is being listened to and heard.

    4. Physical touch. (This doesn’t necessarily mean sex, but rather affection.)

    5. Intimacy and bonding (yes, believe it or not!)

    All you have to do is meet these five basic needs, and meet them consistently, to see your relationship transformed right before your eyes.

    Meeting these needs gives you a great deal of influence with your man — he’ll be willing to do almost ANYTHING you ask, at the drop of a hat, because you have suddenly become the source of most of the good feelings he’s having about his life.

    He may not even realize what’s happening.

    The best part is, this is “ethical influence” because you’re meeting his most basic psychological needs. Not wants, but needs. It’s as if you are nourishing his soul.

    And what do YOU get out of the deal? The man you want — the man who adores you, shows true affection towards you, and puts you ahead of everything else in his life.

    Try it today, and see for yourself.

    I wish you the best,

    Randall E. Bennett

  27.  #27Calypso on January 24, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Good morning, Sirens!

    I feel amazing today – I got up early so i could take a long shower and really focus on being a girl instead of just rushing off to work – i feel soft and smell good and I am excited for my date with Hound tonight!

    I have butterflies in my stomach – I’m nervous like i have not been in . . . I can’t remember when.

    We talked on the phone last night after i got home from Girl’s night and it was wonderful. He said, “If things work out between us the way I hope they do, I hope you don’t mind spending Saturday’s at the Ball Park this spring – my son is the pitcher for his baseball team and I never miss a game . . . ”

    OMG – I could have melted into a puddle right then and there! My ex NEVER wanted to go watch our sons play any sport – I had to drag him and half the time he would just sit in the car and leave early, if he went at all . . . AND – the guys i have dated since then either had horrible relationships with their kids or did not want me to meet them for reasons I understood, but . . . it is just so nice to meet someone who has an awesome relationship with his kids AND is not so scarred from past relationships that he refuses to let me meet them.

    I know, i know . . . I’m putting too much hope into the possibility of a real relationship with a man I have not met yet, but still . . . my heart is thrilled to know a guy like this is out there – even if this one does not work out for me, I’m reminded of qualities that I want in a man and should not settle for anyone who does not have them.

    I feel wonderful 🙂

  28.  #28Tam on January 24, 2013 at 6:02 am

    25..FW, I knew that was coming.
    But…I am not sabotaging myself…it was just a tongue in cheek observation of the last few years…that mostly, the good guys I meet are married to my friends, and the good bf’s I had are now in happy marriages. Because they can do relationship and’s only logical that the statistics are somewhat against us as we get older.
    Not a limiting belief, in my life it’s shown to be quite a real observation…there were lots of good guys around 15 years ago. Now all the ones I knew amongst my friends and former boyfriends are, sadly, married.
    It is what it is. No point in denying it.
    Those men that have never been married and are over, say 45…there is a reason. I date them. I see it.
    Those that are divorced – mostly have baggage, and the more recent the divorce the worse it is.
    Not meaning to be negative here but I have dated so so so so many men in the last few years. That is what I have come across.
    And I am someone who is prepared for compromises and giving men the benefit of the doubt – as you all know by now.
    Yet, these are my findings. If I look at it as a research project, I would present my findings as such. Nothing wrong, it’s just my experience.
    Other peoples may be different.
    Not a belief. Experience.

  29.  #29Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 6:09 am

    Now all the ones I knew amongst my friends and former boyfriends are, sadly, married.

    This remind me of Rori’s words about looking outside your “neighborhood”. Also about Carol Allen’s “soup kitchen girl as opposed to the banquet babe”.

    Then there is Dominique from whom I learned “what you focus on grows”.

    It feels exciting to me to think that just around the corner it is raining men. I just have to find the corner and make that turn. It might be a fantasy but it keeps me feeling excited and wondering about the possibilities.

  30.  #30Mercedes on January 24, 2013 at 6:16 am

    FW: “It might be a fantasy but it keeps me feeling excited and wondering about the possibilities.”

    This is exactly how I feel about things that are coming my way right now!! 🙂 I can’t WAIT until I know all the details.

    Much Love,

  31.  #31Tam on January 24, 2013 at 6:28 am

    FW, totally agree with you in principle, I really do – and it’s important to keep a good attitude.

    I try. Though looking outside my neighbourhood…I have dated in three countries and found pretty similar results. Does that mean I should date on the moon next? Just pulling your leg 😉

  32.  #32Tam on January 24, 2013 at 6:29 am

    ….two continents….so there are still other continents to explore before I need to date extra terrestrials. There is hope! 🙂

  33.  #33BeLoved on January 24, 2013 at 6:43 am


    Tam just trust what you want and give the rest the boot. You know you don’t want to marry an old, shady guy even if he is fun. you don’t have to compromise or give him the benefit of the doubt. Appreciate that he got you back in touch with your b*tch self and got to relieve some pent-up tension and just turn down anything that doesn’t meet your standards. It’s one thing to CD when you don’t have much experience, but once you’ve got the experience you can integrate the data and use it to get what you really really want 😀

  34.  #34Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Indigo – 15 – And what’s wrong with this? Where do you want to go?


  35.  #35Tam on January 24, 2013 at 7:19 am

    33. Beloved….marry..eek, no!! Quite right! 😉
    I could write a book with all my collected fact, I might. Ha!

  36.  #36Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 7:22 am

    @29 Femininewoman – I absolutely love this!

  37.  #37Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 7:24 am

    @26 Feminine Woman – oooo…I like this too!

  38.  #38Lori on January 24, 2013 at 7:33 am

    I like that FW. 🙂

    I have a coffee and hiking date on Sunday. He’s willing to come my way. woohoo!

    I received an email from another guy that lives north of me. He wanted to know if he came down for the weekend if we could hangout for the weekend. I felt a little overwhelmed and uncomfortable by this request as we haven’t met.

  39.  #39Calypso on January 24, 2013 at 7:52 am

    i have a small metal canister on my desk at work that I put things in: Coins I have foud, notes to myself about good things that have happened or that I believe will happen, fortune cookie slips, etc. I like to go through it and read everything every few weeks – or any time I need a reminder about the Law of Attraction.

    I went through it just now. Several of the notes include my “Relationship Escrow” – the list of things I am manifesting for my perfect relationship like: love, joy, passion, fun, excitement, happiness, fulfillment, touch, travel, confidence, etc. All of the notes to myself like this include the full name of GM. I’ve decided to be ok with that, because he did teach me a lot about what I want and do not want in a relationship. I’m also ok with it because I loved the man madly and that felt great at the time that he was loving me back and i want to remember how that felt and I want to feel it again someday.

    BUT – I also found a note with a big pink heart drawn on it that had his name and “Love 4-Ever” messages all over it. I just sat here looking at that note and not feeling connected to it any more – it no longer serves me. i don’t want to lov ehim forever – i don’t have to hang ontot hose feelings because they are no longer good for me. I just tore that note into tiny pieces and threw it away.

    I am sooooo proud of myself and so grateful to the Universe and to Hound for helping me get there. no matter what happens on my date tonight or in the future with this new man . . . the fact that he has helped me make this leap with putting my feelings for GM in proper perspective is a HUGE win for me.

    I feel strong, I feel confident, I feel ready to be surprised 🙂

  40.  #40Mercedes on January 24, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Color run next weekend!!! Getting EXCITED!!!! Looking forward to a day filled with “Willie Wonka meets Rainbow Bright at the My Little Pony Palace” good times!!!! 🙂

    I bought a super cool white with black paisley print do-rag to get all colored up!

    Much Love,

  41.  #41Starla on January 24, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Tam, this sent up a personal red flag for me, but I might just be projecting because I’ve dated a couple of very persistent guys who fit this bill, and it never got better. They thrive off of it and it gets more and more apparent over long periods of time as a pattern:

    “I am beginning to feel he sees me as a mummy who smacks him…as though he needs it?”

  42.  #42Starla on January 24, 2013 at 8:52 am

    I got the glasses on my face:). They’re not as perfect as I hoped, but I do like them. And I feel like I did something really good — I now constantly signal to the universe that I am on the same frequency as nice, fancy things 😀

  43.  #43Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Are you ready to take the next step in designing your awesome life? I thought so. 🙂

    Here’s something you need to know: What you think about, you begin to attract. What you think about with emotion, you attract more quickly. This is the essence of the next law; the Law of Deliberate Creation.

    When you think about something you desire and feel depressed or unfulfilled, that’s a sign that your vibration and its vibration are NOT a match.

    When you think about something you desire and feel excitement, energy, or joyful anticipation, this means that your vibration and its vibration are in resonance and you in the place to receive it.

    The Law of Deliberate Creation is the art of intentionally shifting your vibration so that you are in harmony with what you want to experience. Click the video link below and find out how you can become a more deliberate creator.

    Much love,

  44.  #44Mercedes on January 24, 2013 at 9:42 am

    LOVE that FW!! (43). 🙂

    Much Love,

  45.  #45Lori on January 24, 2013 at 10:01 am

    I love it too FW. I’m picturing what I want and thinking good thoughts! <3

  46.  #46Tam on January 24, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Starla, yes, agree.
    But: Meh. I don’t expect anything to get better or change…at this time I have no other CD’s….so I might see him again. Then again, I might not.
    It really depends on how I feel in the moment.
    He is really fighting and in some ways it’s nice – and I am just a tad bored I guess. Hm.

  47.  #47Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 10:05 am


    Thank you. I have expressed my feelings to him, more than once, he knows how I feel. I do CD when I’m able to, and this, along with being really wonderful to myself and boosting my self-esteem, has helped a lot, but I feel as if I keep hitting against this.

    Today, my feelings of frustration came out, which was unfortunate, but they needed to. And he handled it much, much better than in the past.

  48.  #48Starla on January 24, 2013 at 10:14 am

    QZ called me this morning to greet my day, like he does every weekday morning. He said to me “I miss you… the first thing that crossed my mind when I woke up this morning was that I miss Starla.”

    Awwww. I miss him too. I’m excited for him to move back to my city so we can spend a lot more time together. And I’m glad that’s a few months off, because he is very distracting and even with the hour’s distance between us, it can be hard to balance my fabulous life with our relationship, cuz once we’re around each other, we don’t want to part ways, and it takes something like it getting ridiculously late at night on a work night to tear us apart, even if we part ways after dinner.

  49.  #49Daria on January 24, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I went to see Security n i got stood me up! Again!

    And I got flirted with n hit on by men while there to meet him.

    Including a guy from the past that was friends w get right.

    He was nice to me all nite n cuddled me n kissed on my titties at the end n turned me on.

    I feel real real good about my journey towards using my sexuality for my pleasure.

    Mmm it felt good.

    I remember I had that one visualization of if I dies in a year and one of the main things of do is have plenty of sex practice . Yay and I feel happy a how I’m manifesting.

    Possibly energetically pushing away get right at a point when I felt slightly pressured sexually to give to him ( thru texts).

    Yay so cool how this guy showed up.

    Also I notice how my feelings About what’s gonna happen are so on point!

  50.  #50Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Feminine Woman 21

    Thank you, this is beautiful, and I believe this also. I believe the fact that I am authentic is in a funny way, my most attractive and most painful quality to D.

    I have literally no fear of D poofing. I think pigs will fly sooner than he just disappears. He contacts me with a regularity which borders on religious, it’s actually really sweet, I think.

    I have done so much work on myself to overcome my fear of intimacy and move through my feelings, and I literally see the fruits of that all the time in my life.

    Our history is as follows: we were together, we adored each other. In fact, nothing was wrong except that he kept pulling away, in small ways, which I could have overcome, and big ways, (like announcing at the airport on the morning of a big holiday we’d planned for months that he wasn’t feeling well and he wasn’t going) which caused us to fight. And so we’d break up on and off, but I always loved him, and he always loved me.

    We couldn’t stay away from each other and we’d have a wonderful, loving time together when we got together, but basically I wanted more. I wanted him to be with me. He never was with someone else, and hasn’t been to this day, and he can certainly act totally loving and committed to me.

    Yet, the official version is that we are not together. And hypothetically, he “could” meet someone else, though this has not happened and is very unlikely as long as we are spending time together.

    I can’t take it though. I’m so happy with him and I am about a million times better with his withdrawing, to the point that it’s barely an issue. Yet he feels, if I press him on the relationship issue, that we should take a break of 6 months to get some perspective and evaluate. He’s not prepared to “commit” to me at this stage, and he reacts adversely to my need for any kind of security, though he repeatedly says that he doesn’t want to hurt me.

    I’m afraid to take the time apart, and I love him immensely.

  51.  #51Linda on January 24, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Calypso… have fun tonight !! it does really feel good to feel good for a change.


    I went thru my old email sent and keepers folder today. I deleted all the emails from past relationship man today. I did not even know I had them in there, as I was looking for another old email address of a friend. I had no attachment, no pang… no nothing when I saw the name. I felt gratefully detached and hence FREE.


    I cant wait to get off work today. I want to do some things for ME… Funny, I used to hate to go home afterwork… empty house, nothing to do. Since this summer and the habits I set in motion, I like my ME time and actually get a bit excited about doing what ever I want to do.

  52.  #52Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 10:28 am


    Basically everything between us when we are together is perfect, but he is not mine. He feels it is not wise for us to commit to each other at this stage based on our history. He wants us to take a break. So when we spend time together it is no guarantee of him not seeing anyone else at this point. This is the bit that is driving me crazy.

    I can feel his love for me, but I am afraid to take the break.

  53.  #53Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 10:34 am

    I want to get reconnect. but I am sooooo broke!

  54.  #54Starla on January 24, 2013 at 10:43 am

    oh sad, my illiterate grandpa just sent me a letter in poorly typed spanish that my grandma’s been in the hospital and my mother doesn’t do anything to help (she lives with my grandma). how sad. i hate my mom so much when i hear things like that. she’s such a selfish person.

  55.  #55Starla on January 24, 2013 at 10:58 am

    i feel a lot of hate. i get that she has self esteem issues. i get that she goes through extreme means to keep herself feeling validated and approved of. but it’s just so shxtty that the person she only goes as far for other people as she feels is needed to look like a good person. So my grandma’s in and out of the hospital, and my mom’s shut up in her bedroom at my grandma’s place, not chipping in.

    for f*cking shame.

    it’s one thing for me to have to disconnect our relationship because i can’t handle all that dishonesty and selfishness. I can let it go and try not to hold on to anger. But my grandma is a decent, wonderful person, who takes care of my mom and anyone else in the family who needs it. I seriously feel like beating the crxp out of my mom for being such a selfish, manipulative freak that she would neglect someone who really doesn’t deserve it.

    how fxcked up and cold and selfish can you be to just hide away while your own mother needs care.

    even *i* wouldn’t do this, and my mother abandoned me, lied to me, abused me, stole from me….


    some people.

  56.  #56Starla on January 24, 2013 at 10:59 am

    that post doesn’t make a whole lot of sense cuz i was typing really fast. i needed to vent.

  57.  #57Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 11:02 am

    that is sad, Starla, I am sorry about your mother…

    big hug!

  58.  #58FlowerChild77 on January 24, 2013 at 11:04 am

    ((((Starla)))) <3

  59.  #59Daria on January 24, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Now I’m feeling excited to receive more of that pleasure… Hmm I can touch myself smoothly

  60.  #60Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Starla – 42 – pics please.


  61.  #61Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Calypso – YAY you!!!


  62.  #62BeLoved on January 24, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Wow…practicing those FM’s and sinking into feelings really gets down to the heart of things, doesn’t it?
    I feel so vulnerable.
    I’m finally admitting and processing that I felt emotionally and psychologically raped by T.
    Last night I dreamed was with him, and 2 of his friends who think he is All That (well, 1 of them does, the other I think is on to him).
    T was sitting in the middle, all guru-like, in his “Savior Peacemaker” mode, all kindness and gentility
    and I told them..
    Nooooo, he’s not always like that, I’ve seen a different side of them then you have!
    At which point, T flipped into *THAT* mode that he would do so many times, from Angel to Demon in a heartbeat, cursing and yelling and I looked at one friend and cried, “And I kept going back!”
    Then T did some other things that I won’t get into here
    suffice to say
    it’s been a long long road of recovery.
    It feels shameful to be victimized, especially when I kept going back, over and over and OVER again,
    even as recently as a few months ago, idealizing him once again, thinking “Oh..know that I know how to communicate better and use FM’s and be more feminine, things will be okay”
    because I
    EVERYTHING as if it were my fault.

    I feel so soft and vulnerable and tiny in such a big world where men are so strong and violent and clueless.
    I noticed how, unconsciously a part of the attraction to C was that he IS so aggressive, but not with women, and I was thinking (unconsciously)…if I can get you to love me maybe you will protect me (tears coming up here).
    I feel like I’ve been begging for love and protection my whole life and nearly everywhere I turn I’ve been exploited and used instead.

    I feel scared that besides the abuse I remember, other stuff that I currently don’t will resurface.

    I can’t even describe the feelings of powerlessness, helplessness and frustration when something is happening that I can’t prove – emotional and psychological rape don’t leave bruises. I wish they did.
    At least through my dream I was able to give myself validation.

    I honestly feel like something was going on at a metaphysical level with C, that he was unconsciously using me energetically in a way that I couldn’t prove.
    I liked the feeling of feeling used, it felt familiar, it felt like love, it made me feel wanted and valuable, until I began to understand the cost.

    Using FM’s and sinking into my feelings are helping me seal up where my boundaries have been leaking.
    They are showing me where I am perpetrating and manipulating and trying to ‘get’ something and being invasive with my energy.

    Showers of love love love love, forgiveness and compassion to me and all through my being.

  63.  #63Starla on January 24, 2013 at 11:14 am

    My mom had a daycare in our house when I was growing up. and she would suggest to most parents that their kid had some sort of chronic psychological or health issue. and sometimes she would deny that they were getting better. and she would lie to the parents about having certs and degrees in child psychology and development and stuff like that, when she barely graduated highschool (if even)…

    and i feel so worried that my mom is going to make/keep my grandma sick in some way.


    this all makes me want to vomit. i have no control. i tried to tell my grandma about why i won’t have a relationship with my mother, only because my grandma kept pushing me for information. But my mom overheard it because my grandma prefers speakerphone, and then my mom sent me a letter in the mail saying that I am killing my grandma by talking to her about stressful stuff, and if I didn’t want to love her (my mom) unconditionally and let go of the past, then that was my choice.

    my mom is a seriously twisted, devious person who will never take responsibility for any of the f*cked up things she did to me or other children and continues to do to the adults around her in her life. when anyone starts to catch on to her, she’ll pack up and leave. it doesn’t matter if its her own high school-aged daughter or a boyfriend/husband of many years. Then she’ll go through great lengths to convince everyone (including herself) that she was somehow being victimized and that’s why she left. I was barely 17 when she wrote my boss at my job saying she kicked me out because i was “abusive” to her and that she’d gladly take my job if my boss couldn’t stand to continue to have me on staff. My boss figured she was nuts. My mom then got evicted because before she kicked me out, I had been paying the rent while she refused to work (she’d say she was looking but she spent her online time flirting with men and went to the bookstore for recreation instead of out for job interviews…)

    and i didn’t hear from her for a couple of years after that.

    this is just one example of many

    holy fxck

    it just sucks… i had been in denial of how crazy and manipulative she was until very recently. i blamed myself for a lot of it and tried to rationalize my mom’s behavior.

  64.  #64Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Now I remember your story Indigo. Thanks.

  65.  #65Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Indigo – 52 – ah yes fears. aren’t they pesky? bottom line you cannot control any of this. plus by clinging to him, not allowing him to take the space he needs, you have more of a chance of pushing him away.

    the best thing you can do is take that anxiety off of him and put it into something more productive, a project, hobbies, friends. release this energy from him, and put it on you.

    not so easy, I understand.

    are there any tools which help you more than others? specialized meditations?


  66.  #66Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Iamabutterfly are you broke? Is that what you really want to say?

    In years past Rori has offered discounts on her products around certain times like Valentine’s Day.

  67.  #67Starla on January 24, 2013 at 11:25 am

    When my mom was figured out by her boyfriend of many years, she left, and went to my grandma’s. my grandma said she left because he wouldn’t care for my mom’s health (my mom is NOT sick. she says she is so she doesn’t have to get a job) and because he hit on my mom’s friend right in front of her. my grandma instructed me not to give her boyfriend any info about her whereabouts if he called me looking for her.

    that made me sick. the only reason he’s looking for her is for money she owes him for 6 years of lying about being too sick to work, and anything else she may have stole from him.

    and the hitting on her friend thing? When I was 19, he hit on me and SPANKED MY ASS right in front of her and i got really upset and struggled to get away, and my mom did not stand up for me. She got jealous and selfish instead, even though I made it clear I was very uncomfortable being touched like that. I never went back to their house again.

    So it’s BS all this “he hit on my friend so i dumped him after 6 years” garbage. Please, b*tch, you wouldn’t even dump him when he sexually assaulted your own daughter in front of you.”

    what a lying manipulative piece of awful crap. i honestly wish she would just die today. i used to be scared that she would kill herself, because of the times my mom would threaten it to me or put a razor to her wrists and say i didn’t love her enough so she would kill herself (I WAS FXCKING 9 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!). But my therapist assures me that my mom is probably the last person who would ever kill herself, because of her selfish nature and constant need to be validated. There’s no payoff in suicide for her.

  68.  #68Starla on January 24, 2013 at 11:26 am

    sorry for all the ugliness and rawness. i really needed to vent. it’s the middle of my work day and i needed to get it off my chest

  69.  #69Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Indigo there are different things that as humans we are addicted to. Anxiety, anger, fear just to name a few. They give us a kind of adrenaline high and keep our stress levels. Anxiety can be something to use to ask yourself how could I channel my creative energies?

    Your words about the dynamic betwee you two can help you see clearly if you so wish.

    “but he is not mine” Even if you were in a relationship you don’t own him.

    “He wants us to take a break”. Can you respect his wish as a man and as human being who knows what he wants for his life?

    “some perspective and evaluate” If you don’t create the space he will feel compelled to.

    “is very unlikely as long as we are spending time together.” You don’t know this for sure and is a story you are telling yourself to cling on to every shred of hope. This is desperate, clingy, needy vibe that he is likely feeling no matter what your words are saying.

    “he reacts adversely to my need for any kind of security” I believe because he wants you to do this for yourself. It might be too much responsibility for him right now and when he can’t provide the security he feels like a loser all over again and like he can’t win. This is a huge indication that the relationship dance is off kilter.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 11:39 am

    “I am afraid to take the break”

    How is this fear helping you?
    What does it distract you from dealing with?
    Did it occur to you that he has already decided to take the break? Regardless of whether you are in his face or not?

  71.  #71Annie on January 24, 2013 at 11:40 am


    “Tam, this sent up a personal red flag for me, but I might just be projecting because I’ve dated a couple of very persistent guys who fit this bill, and it never got better. They thrive off of it and it gets more and more apparent over long periods of time as a pattern:

    “I am beginning to feel he sees me as a mummy who smacks him…as though he needs it?”

    I feel in agreement this is a huge red flag.
    And would signify FAMILIAR subconscious unhealthy love imprint.
    Instead of choosing new conscious aware healthy true compatible soul based love.


  72.  #72Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 11:42 am

    OK – here I am again…..

    Heres the update. So, it turns out that he actually had a huge talk with the woman he has been with for 10 years (they are not together officially since last year, but still live in the same house with kiddos) Anyway – they started talking about the actual split house, etc.

    Interestingly enough, he then said something about moving to the next house, and I think that includes me because of the way he said it – but maybe I”m taking it the wrong way. I didnt ask – I thought that would be way too much leaning forward. time will tell.

    Anyway – Tuesday night he texted me like I said about my kiddos being sick very sweet, but not a long text interchange. Wed. was nice. We talked twice on the phone for about an hour each – he called both times – this is at work. It was nice. Just good to talk to him. But nothing romantic or gushy. To be honest, he is NEVER romantic or gushy on the phone or on texts – just in person – I never get anything flirty in emails etc. ever.

    Anyway – I guess now thinking about that I would like that. I have told him that I like flirty talk but he has never done that for me really oh well.

    Anyway – last night, I got no texts from him. He knows that my kiddo is sick and I did not hear from him – that upset me. Then it upset me that he knows I want to tell him this big story about my divorce and attornies etc. and so far there hasnt been a time and I really want to tell him. I guess I want him to WANT to hear the story.

    He did tell me I could text him, but I dont like texting first – I just dont. I have done it before, and he always answers right away, but i just dont really like calling or texting first.

    Today at work I was late because of an appt. I had. He called me at 10:00 but I didnt answer. I just didnt feel like it. I dont know if I was trying to punish him or be a little less available? I dont know.

    Anyway – I called about 45 min later and he said he just wanted to see if I was in today since he didnt see that I was here. And we chatted for about 45 min. Then we went to work out together.

    I dont know. I feel like he should be making an effort to come see me, talk to me etc.

    I feel like I dont like that he didnt text me last weekend.

    I feel like another weekend is coming up and I wont see him and what if he doesnt text me.

    I feel needy. Clingy. I feel like I need a hit of oxytocin.

    I’m a mess.


  73.  #73Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Oh Starla, I am so sorry! What an awful situation! Big big hug, girl!

    I think that there are people that are so clueless about who they are in the world and sometimes it is just better to walk away from those people. I’ve done this with some friends that just didn’t get it and weren’t very good friends. They aren’t worth my time so I let the friendship go and I feel better because of it. I am worth having good friends that cherish and adore me and am taking a stand for that.

    But its much harder to do with your mother.

  74.  #74FlowerChild77 on January 24, 2013 at 11:54 am

    (((Starla))) I totally understand about having a ‘sick’ mother. My mother was awful. She was a retired nurse and knew just enough to keep herself in constant ‘drama’ and getting attention from men doctors her whole life.

    There was (medical and dental) abuse in my childhood in the name of her being “such a good and caring parent”—but it was really to fill her sick need for male attention. I am still terrified to go to the dentist. I will never get that fear out of my mind. It was sick. (Also sexual abuse from one doctor.)

    Anyway—when she got older and needed me to go down there and take care of her, I learned from her doctors that she had narcissistic personality disorder. That explained a LOT. One time, ONE, I needed her help and she said, “That’s what you get!” I lost my home and business and had no where to go. So I foolishly asked if I could go home for Christmas that year. She said she’d have to think about it. Then she called me back and said, “No.”

    So I understand all the anger and disgust (she told everyone LIES about me.) I did go down there and take care of her and eventually moved her up here, with me until she died. No matter how awful she was to me, I had to help her. It was the right thing to do. (Like your mother should be helping your grandmother.)

    Don’t feel bad about venting and sharing how you feel. It’s exasperating and so difficult to just ‘not’ feel the anger and pretend it’s not there. I struggled with this for a LONG time. (AND, she left me nothing in her will. She gave the family house (that she got for FREE from my father’s family and was ‘supposed’ to go to me) to her sisters. I was very hurt. My dad’s family was quite upset about it also.)

    You’re not alone in having an awful mother. ((((Hugs)))) <3

  75.  #75Calypso on January 24, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Hound just texted me: “4 Hours” . . . Awwww . . . . he’s counting down till he gets to see me . . . 🙂 He sent me a pic of himself this morning that he took for me – to show me what he was wearing tonight after i told him I was feeling nervous. he is in jeans and a pullover shirt that is the same wonderful color of blue as his eyes – nice.

  76.  #76Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    @66 Feminine Woman – yes, it is what I want to say, to keep myself from temptation, if nothing else. 😉 I need to pay for an expensive, (but needed), class I took this last semester.

    I need to be positive, though.

    So, here’s my positive feeling message to the universe!

    I can’t wait to get Reconnect when I’ve responsibly saved $ for it!


  77.  #77Starla on January 24, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    thank you for the support, ladies!!

    I picked myself up from my desk and went across the street to buy a salad. The new glasses must be cute, cuz the new cashier there gave me what he called the ‘cute discount’, haha nice.

    i feel much better.

  78.  #78Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    that’s great Starla! glad you are feeling better…for what it’s worth, I think you have turned out amazingly especially considering the hell that you have been through. You’re doing something right that’s for sure! Keep it up and hang in there! You’re awesome! 🙂

  79.  #79FlowerChild77 on January 24, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Do you have pics anywhere of your new glasses? 🙂

  80.  #80FlowerChild77 on January 24, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Sorry for going on about my mother…very negative, I know. Just wanted her to know she’s not alone. I don’t think about it a lot anymore.

  81.  #81Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    @Starla 77 – Love the cute discount! haha. 🙂

  82.  #82Lori on January 24, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Starla, I’m sorry about your situation. (hugs)

    Indigo, I met with Dominique yesterday and she said that I have changed my vibe greatly. Fear and anxiety can be felt by others which I never really thought about or realized. I feel so much better since getting it under control. Part of it was that I needed to figure out why I was feeling that way. The other was doing more of the things which I like to do. I’m doing it. 🙂

    As much as I didn’t want to circular date, it has helped tremendously. I’m having fun. I’m working on keeping my energy directed away from K and when I do allow it, it’s good energy. I think of hugging him or smiling at him.

  83.  #83Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    “I am beginning to feel he sees me as a mummy who smacks him…as though he needs it?”

    I also see this as a thought. A judgement.
    I see it as possibility of roles people play with each.
    Also reflecting back possible behavior so I am wondering if the steps are changed if the other person would?

  84.  #84Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    @80 FlowerChild77 – I feel curious. I think sometimes if you still talk about it, there’s still healing to get done there. There’s nothing wrong with being negative. You are learning from the pain, acknowledging it, and offering perspective to someone hurting in the process. It’s kind of beautiful to me. (((hugs)))

  85.  #85Iamabutterfly on January 24, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    I feel so good, open, and thankful for my life.

  86.  #86Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    I’d really like to know what I should have learned from my last relationships that I’ve been in. The last guy just dumped me abruptly for another woman, and the previous guy did the same thing (but not for another woman.)

    In the previous relationship, I was overly expressive (I can take things too far and can be annoying and obnoxious), and in the latter relationship, I wasn’t expressive enough. In both cases, I thought I had these guys wrapped around my finger and kinda took them for granted a little.

    Anyway, what’s the take-away, ladies? What do I do in the next relationship? How can we strike the balance between expressing ourselves too much vs. too little??!!! That seems like really tricky territory to me and am not sure how its addressed in Rori’s work?

  87.  #87Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Anyone have any advice for me? *sniff sniff* 🙂

  88.  #88Daria on January 24, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    “Tip#3: Don’t give him gifts, make him dinner or pay for dates

    Yes, this sounds unfair, and yet, who pays is often the difference in his mind between friends hanging out together and a “date.”

    If a man complains about paying for everything, let him know you don’t care what you do, you feel great being with him, and you don’t want to pay. Walking, hanging out in bookstores, having a picnic in a park can all be fun, romantic ways to get close to a man.

    (And forget about cooking dinner, or trying to make dating “reciprocal.” A bowl of popcorn and something to drink is fine.)”

  89.  #89FlowerChild77 on January 24, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    iamabutterfly…thank you. I guess I’m over being angry about it, but I am SO relieved to know, now, that it wasn’t ALL my fault—as she always told me it was. My whole childhood all I heard was how awful I was. (An ungrateful little b!t@# is what she always called me–from a very small age–before I started kindergarten, for sure.)

    Mostly what I feel is relief. And I’ve forgiven her. She was a sick woman. Period. As long as I don’t believe her words she can’t hurt me anymore.

    Thank you for your kind words <3

  90.  #90Daria on January 24, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    in my perfect relationship, anytime my man goes down on me i have a hurricane feeling and feel like heaven and swept away

    I realized i was telling myself :


    because 'thats not important'

    whats important is that he can be there consistently, wants to please you and treats you well


    i WANT THIS!

    this is where my discrepancy is coming from and why i was attracting "nice" men that were'nt moving forward into pleasing me sexually


    Q: why is it so easy to heal and notice and shift these things ?

  91.  #91Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    “Also reflecting back possible behavior so I am wondering if the steps are changed if the other person would?”

    The other person dumps you when you don’t engage them in this pattern.

  92.  #92Daria on January 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    im gonna go for/require great sex too!

  93.  #93Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    i mean the pattern of scolding them. MyGuy was one that really had a need to be scolded. he’d never admit that, but i’m not stupid, and after 6 months I couldn’t help but notice the pattern. we broke up and then he came back a few months later OBVIOUSLY looking for a scolding.

  94.  #94Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Daria, I haven’t been able to let QZ go down on me. I feel uncomfortable. It’s like the most vulnerable thing I can do with a man, you know? I haven’t gone down on him either… because it seems weird to give him head but not let him give it back when i know he likes it…

    my question is — do you have any advice or experience is getting comfortable and relaxing, to allow a man to do that? I want to be more like you in this department.

  95.  #95NewfMom on January 24, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I could use some insight here. P keeps asking me if I’ve gone out on any dates. I have told him that talking about our separate dates makes me feel weird. Horrible, even.

    But, even after he said he wouldn’t ask anymore, he brings it up again. When I tell him that I don’t feel good when he asks, he goes into a tirade.

    What’s going on? Am I wrong here? Discussing my dates with P makes me feel like we’re just friends. And I just can’t make friends of my lovers if we go our separate ways.

    Why does he insist on knowing about my dates?

  96.  #96Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I just asked warriorcd for help with something only he could help me with, and he said he still really wants me and likes me. he came on strong. it made me feel bad. i remember getting this lingering bad feeling often when i chatted with him mid-day when we were dating. I’m glad we’re apart now. I do feel bad for making him sad. And shocked. Cuz he is soooo hot and a great catch. But not for me.

  97.  #97Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Newf, is the tirade on the phone or in a chat? I would say “you know… this feels pretty bad, like a tirade. And I don’t actually want to be treated like this. I’m going to go right now.” And then you block him or hang up. when you say it, don’t be harsh or apologetic, just very matter of fact. like how you talk to the cashier at burger king when you want two whoppers and a sprite.

    people treat you how let them treat you. sometimes stating a treatment preference is not enough, and you have to take responsibility for your boundaries by enforcing them (politely)

  98.  #98Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    *and I don’t actually want to be treated like this or feel this way *with you**

    men seem to respond well when you tell them you’re feeling bad but you don’t wish to feel bad with them. it makes them feel like they have a chance to make it better and that it’s not a losing battle to give up on

  99.  #99Calypso on January 24, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    I’m about to get on a conference call for an hour, which means i will be in my office with the door closed until time to leave for my date – knowing this would be the case, I brought my curling iron, a travel mirror and my makeup kit to work with me today – lol. It is a good day to be a girl!

  100.  #100Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    If something feels weird then it probably is. I often second guess myself, and don’t trust my gut instinct enough. But its usually right. Here’s to not second guessing myself in 2013!

  101.  #101Starla on January 24, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    very nice, calypso!

  102.  #102NewfMom on January 24, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    This was in email. I told him that I didn’t feel good and that I did not want to discuss it. His reply was rather childish (fine – we have nothing to discuss), but I did not respond.

  103.  #103Starla on January 24, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Liquid Light, I remember there was a few days where I was sooo upset to my stomach and anxious and vomiting after QZ and I broke up. I thought it was just the pain of a break up with someone you love, and Dominique helped me through when it was at it’s worse (thank god… she swooped in just in the nick of time… i was going nuts), but now I know looking back that the reason i had such an extreme physiological reaction is because on a gut-level i knew we were “supposed to be together.” This of course crossed my mind at the time but everyone told me i was being a little understandably crazy and just hurting.

    I ignored my gut for many months, and one day my gut, ignored, grew so strong that I found myself dialing QZ after 8 months of silence, before I could even think about what I was doing or stop myself. And it turned out I was totally right. He did want to be with me, he felt like he screwed it up way too bad to ever contact me again and if he did it would just be selfish of him and upset me, and he has stepped up every single day since our first reunion meeting in December.

  104.  #104Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    I am not looking forward to finding out about my next boyfriend’s weird sexual fantasies. Ughh. Gross. Most of them are so perverse (ok, mine are a little too) but sometimes I wish they’d just keep it to themselves. They always seem to feel like sharing this stuff though. Yuck.

  105.  #105Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    OMG, Starla, that is so sweet!!! Thanks for sharing that beautiful and amazing story!!! Wow!!! 🙂

  106.  #106Starla on January 24, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    on the other hand, i have false bad gut feelings too.

    like this morning, i saw on the news that a teenage girl from QZ’s small town was missing and her last text/fb post was that she was with some older guy who was scaring her, and my brain started worrying that it could be QZ. I often fear I will end up with a closet pervertcriminal. He was even 10 minutes later than usual in calling me, and I thought “oh he’s not going to call…he’s off being a sexcriminal.” lol, wtf!!!

    then i thought it could be his roommate’s husband, and that her life is going to be ripped apart cuz she married an a-hole, and QZ is going to have to tend to her emotional needs and maybe end up with her…


    I feel a lot of love for myself, though. And I get it. I was raised by someone who is deceitful and dangerous. It’s normal for someone like me to fear that her closest loved one will end up like that.

    Plus with all the tragedy in the media…

  107.  #107Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    OMG, Starla, I hear you! My thoughts can go cuckoo too! Your post made me laugh! 😀

  108.  #108Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    fyi: it made me laugh because I saw myself so much in what you wrote…I do the same thing. it sounds like you know you are doing it (crazy thinking) though so that’s the most imp thing..I try to do that too but I’m not always successful. Thanks for your honesty in posting it!

  109.  #109Starla on January 24, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    you’re welcome. i try to be very honest in my posts, even if it’s nuts. haha

  110.  #110Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    hahahaha!!! u def r not nuts!!! you seem very sane to me! 🙂

  111.  #111Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Starla, should I just move on? It’s definitely a heart wrencher. But I feel like if we did become involved again the same dynamic would develop which wasn’t working for me.

    I found out last night that his wife who died of cancer was actually a strong woman. I thought my friend was going to say that she was more a passive/doormatty type of woman and he was dominant. But it sounds like she spoke her mind, had opinions and wasn’t afraid to voice them. And in fact, she was “boss”. Then again, she didn’t work (I do) and she didn’t have a creative passion of her own (I do).

    I wish he could have let me be more strong. It makes me sad that they had that dynamic and we didn’t. He was always trying to force me and dominate me. Sigh.

  112.  #112Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Liquid Light – 104 – Why assume that this will be so First that he would have such fantasies, and secondly that he would be inconsiderate to your feelings if he did.

    How about switching this thinking instead?


  113.  #113Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Starla – 103 – Wow I had no idea – thank you for saying so. I feel honored to have helped you.

    Much love to you.


  114.  #114Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    And as for crazy, not based in anything which holds water thoughts – I think we all have had them. I certainly have. And they can still pop up now and then, yet the difference now is that I can immediately or almost so, recognize them for what they are, even laugh at them. If I got to this place, anyone can.


  115.  #115Lori on January 24, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Not sure why I think this is funny but I do. Maybe it’s because I voiced what I don’t want for the first time. I was chatting with a potential CD. He asked me if I wanted a relationship. I responded that I did not want an exclusive relationship at this time. (Weird, because if K asked me to be exclusive with him, it would be an immediate yes.) I told him that I’m having fun and enjoying my life. Anyway, this guy wasn’t too happy obviously because I haven’t heard from him again.

  116.  #116Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Dominque, I think I’m just disgusted with sex in general right now because of what I’ve just been through. My last guy Caged was obsessed with sex and wouldn’t leave me alone.

  117.  #117Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    thoughts? sigh. 🙁

  118.  #118Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    All of my pieces got into the art show I applied for. Hoorah for me! 🙂

  119.  #119Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    @ all – ok no one responded to my big long story earlier….

    ….but….there is more now. Please read #72.

    OK – my friend said to me that she doesnt think that maybe he doesnt respect me.

    ???? *CONFUSED* ?????

    OK – first off, for the first 3 months we held hands. Nothing more because of our situations, I am still married getting divorced etc.

    We still havent actually had sex. So – there you go.

    But she says the fact that I am always there for him, bring him treats, etc. that makes him not respect me.

    He has said he respects me, as a mom, etc. He always goes out of his way to say that he appreciates (thats his word) everything that I do for him. He loves me – I know that.

    But could it be because I’m not getting completely all of him because of us having to deal with both of our situations, that he knows that and devalues me?

    Is it possible that even though I am there for him, that because I am he doesnt respect me? I thought that was the reason THAT HE DID respect me????

    I”m sooooo confused. And triggered BIG TIME.

    I guess I dont want to always be at his call, and I do always answer his texts and phone messages, but he always answers mine too. Should I pull back?

    Last Sept. he pulled way back. I said fine – go and think or wahtever you need. I didnt answer texts, I did my own thing. Then after a month, I finally said – look, I want to be with you – but I am not going to pretend that we dont love each other. We do love each other and if you want to still act like we are friends and close, then in order to have that I need to feel like we are not just friends, meaning, you need to kiss me, and be close to me, and touch me and hold me. If you cant do that – then please dont come over and talk to me, because it confuses me and I cant pretend that I”m something I”m not – which is in love with you.

    He immediately changed because he knew he would lose me, and I guess he didnt want to – that was last Sept.

    We have had an awesome month this month ironically. He was really there for me several times emotionally. He got me a super sweet gift for christmas which he hasnever done before for anyone. He calls texts and lets me know that he is there for me….

    But once in a while, he tunes out – like last weekend was a three day weekend and I didnt hear from him. But this week, he has been ok…..sort of.

    Please help me. I”m in a tailspin and frankly very very stressed and triggered.

    I’m freaking out a bit and definitely want his respect.

    Should I lean back and pull back?


  120.  #120Sha-sha on January 24, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Just got Home from the Gym wit my best friend Omg that felt so damn good!

  121.  #121Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    I understand Liquid Light, and maybe you need some time and distance from that relationship, yet please know that not all men are like this. Actually most are not.

    And yay you on your art pieces getting into the show!!!


  122.  #122Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    Elsie – How about taking all of this anxious, stressed out energy away from him, and immersing yourself in YOU instead?

    I feel pressure from you reading this. He must feel this too. Find ways to relax, calm your mind, feel good no matter what he is or isn’t doing.

    Not contacting you for a few days doesn’t necessarily mean anything.


  123.  #123Sha-sha on January 24, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    @elise are u both still married /almost divorced?

  124.  #124Daria on January 24, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Ao I was just imagining seeing muself as the high maintenance ‘Hollywood Barbie bit*ch’ girl

    And then I talked to this guy who says ohhh I really like ur pictures n voice.

    U seem like one of those high maintenance, stuck up girls

    🙂 hehe I’m like yah that’s me!


    He said it n a good way! N appreciative way

    Wow I’m still feeling blown

  125.  #125Sha-sha on January 24, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    I just read ur story elise…I think ur puttin a lot of energy into someone who still lives with a Ex of ten years…… I agree with whoever just said u need to focus more of that energy on U!! I’m not judging U at all dnt take it the wrong way! My last relationship I was in was a long one almost 9years no kids but we did live together the whole time……we broke up mutally and were friends and are still friends today! But I’m not sayin ur guy is doing this but me and my ex continued to sleep with eachother once in a while…to Us it was easier to release are needs then go out and do one nightstands or other stuff like that! All I’m trying to say here is till U are outta ur marriage completely and he is moved outta that house neither one of U can fully give 100% to eachother…..that’s just my opinion xoxox much respect……please just do U and make U happy at all times Ur the most important person

  126.  #126Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:07 pm


    If you want and need more contact are you able to state that it doesn’t work for you to have no contact three days that is feel odd or weird to you when this happens and ask what he thinks?

    As he asked for a relationship[p with you? Friendship? date, girlfriend?

  127.  #127Liquid Light on January 24, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Thanks Dominique! 🙂

  128.  #128Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Dominque says

    “Not contacting you for a few days doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”

    It means he didn’t want to and Elsie did so Elsies needs and wants for x amount of contact is not being met and are not compatible at the moment.

  129.  #129Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Elsie, he is not available for a relationship yet if he is still living with another woman.

  130.  #130Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Thank you all for responding.

    They live together but are not together. I know her as well. She makes it very clear that they are not together as well. She goes on dates with other guys – they cant even stand to be in the same room as each other. Everyone knows this – we all know both of them, it is not a secret.

    I just dont know if I’m being respected. I thought I was but now I”m not sure.

    If he asks to come over should I say no just to lean back? I’m confused.

    My soon to be ex moved out a few months ago so it is easier for him to come to me, etc. and since I dont want my kiddos knowing, we usually do it when they are not here or when they dont know – etc.

    Ugh. I want to be respected.

    And I know I should put this energy to myself but I just cant seem to right now. I’m sort of reeling out of control – I”m really super stressed right now.


  131.  #131Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    So why is he still there?
    What is stopping him moving out?

  132.  #132Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Elsie in what way do you feel disrespected?

  133.  #133Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    “If he asks to come over should I say no just to lean back? I’m confused. ”

    What boundaries do you have about this?
    How much notice do you like?
    A week?
    Two days?
    Are you waiting around for him? Or are you cding and have plans for certain days/nights?

  134.  #134Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    As an observer Elsie, it appears that you you are making him the center of your universe and your life waiting around for him to make plans and putting your life on hold..

    Do you think that is now what is happening.
    If that is the case, I feel sure we all know what an awful place that is to be in. X

  135.  #135Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Annie – 128 – You don’t know that. You don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling.


  136.  #136Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Elsie – If he asks to come over and you want to see him, then you say yes. If you don’t, then say no.

    Doing or not doing because of what you think you should or shouldn’t do is not the way to go here.


  137.  #137Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    @ Annie – thanks for answering. They are working on the logistics, as am I with my situation. I am not officially divorced yet. Its A LONG and complicated story but the bottom line is we are both working towards what we need to do is best for our children in all cases. It just takes time, etc.

    In the meantime, we love each other and see each other when we can. I have told him do not leave for me because who knows if we will be together in the end. He said he is leaving because he doesnt want to be with her. Thats a good thing.

    I feel very needy right now and I’m not sure why. He has given me no indication that anything is wrong or bad, etc. In fact he surprised me last Friday and was really sweet.

    I am not CD’ing. I dont want to. At all. I never meant to even fall in love with him. I just want to focus on getting divorced. The thing with him just happened for both of us – it hit us out of the blue honestly. I have no desire at all to date anyone else. AT all. LOL.

    I know I need to feel secure without reassurance from someone else. I dont know why I need that constant reassurance. Probably because I didnt get it from my parents or my husband.

    I cant just “let things go” for a few days or a week or a month, or anything and just let things be. I just cant. I get scared that everything is not ok – even though it always is with him. I just want to be reassured. Its like a “fix”.

    Thanks for all your answers – keep them coming.


  138.  #138Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    134 – yes!!!


  139.  #139Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    As Roro says Dominique. men do what they want.
    IF he aint ringing he doesn’t want to.
    If he is he does.

  140.  #140Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:36 pm


  141.  #141Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    @ Dominique – well, I want to see him. But if I”m available every single time at his beck and call (or beckon call or whatever that phrase is haha!) then does that make him not respect me?

    My situation is a bit different since my soon to be ex is out of the house. So he comes over here.

    Again, he always calls and texts me first, I”m not chasing him down here. I just feel anxious when I dont get those texts.

    I think its the reassurance thing. I just NEED it to make sure everything is ok – which is probably is.

    To answer Annie – yes, I need him contacting me more than he does ——-the REAL QUESTION….is……is that healthy?


  142.  #142Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    ” I have no desire at all to date anyone else.”

    What about dating yourself?

  143.  #143Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Annie and Dominique – thank you both for talking me off the proverbial ledge here.

    Yes, I am making him the center of my life because I dont know how to make those good feelings of security happen any other way.

    His reassurance, and love, and his warmth when he is with me is overwhelming.

    I havent felt it in so long. Its like giving a glass of water to a person in a desert.

    So I crave it more and more.

    There is no substitute for that feeling that I can find.

    I dont want to make him my world. I am actually very highly educated (have a doctorate) and am physically fit etc. etc. Its just that it feels so good to be loved. For who I am. Unconditionally. I just want it more.


  144.  #144Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:42 pm


    The amount of contact that feels good to us and we each need is individual to us.
    So what you need, want and is healthy for you is what it is.
    And will be different to another woman.
    What amount of contact do you want and need?
    What would feel best to you, so you felt more secure?

  145.  #145Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    @Annie – I guess that means do things for myself? Well, I could but again, it doesnt give the same feeling to me that I crave – does that make sense?

    It feels like I’m filling up time and just doing busy work until what I really want to do comes along. Does that make sense?

  146.  #146Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    It’s all about finding out what we want and then finding the best match/ most compatible man for us who wants to and is able to give us what we want. Hugs X

  147.  #147Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Elsie – Respect comes first in respecting yourself, taking the very best care of you in all ways.

    When you can get to a place where your life is full up with people you love to be with, activities which make you passionate or at least feel fun and fulfilling to you, much of this anxiety and the clinging energy will disappear or at least greatly diminish.

    No amount of reassurance from him is going to ease this anxiety, for even when he call/texts you, in short order you will need another fix.

    This needs to come from you.

    When you feel okay within yourself, you will know everything is okay elsewhere.


  148.  #148Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    @ Annie – I might respectfully disagree. I think that I am pretty needy right now and I dont think its healthy to make someone else be so responsible for my happiness. I guess that I have a hard time letting someone else just have some space even though that is totally normal I think for many people. My need to be reassured is from issues that stem from my parents and soon to be ex husband. So, I think I need to work on it. Im just wanting to work on it – and be reassured LOL – I just want it all. 🙂

    Cant he be just like me exactly and know what I want when I want it exaclty how I want it and then give it to me at that exact instant?

    Is that asking too much? LOL

  149.  #149Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Yes it makes it makes perfect sense Elsie.
    I believe we have all been there.
    It is the addiction and obsession that we all have had/ have a some point in time. Hugs.
    He is not your soul source of happiness.

  150.  #150Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    @Dominique – I know what you are saying is true.

    And it makes sense.

    And it is healthy and right.

    But how do I get there from here?


  151.  #151Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    @Dominique – and yes, you are SO RIGHT. I know its not healthy because as soon as the “fix” is over …. I need another one right away. Thats not healthy or normal.

  152.  #152Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    @Dominique – what is your website?

  153.  #153Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:50 pm


    “This needs to come from you.

    When you feel okay within yourself, you will know everything is okay elsewhere.


    Elsie this is the key Dominique says it all here.

  154.  #154Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Elsie 12 step co dependency classes will help as will Roris tools etc.

    Step by step.

  155.  #155Lori on January 24, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    I have been having ALOT of fun today CDing. I received a call from one that I was hoping would contact me. Feels weird to be excited as I do have deep feelings for K. But, I might as well have fun, right?

    This guy is a professional. I like talking to him. 🙂

  156.  #156Dominique on January 24, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Click on my name Elsie to get to my site.

    You get here little bit by little bit. Awareness is key, and you are gaining it. Be gentle and patient with yourself. You will get there because you want to.

    Sending love.


  157.  #157Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Elsie I am with Dominique on this. I am also wondering if the stress of your divorce and keeping the relationship a secret from the kids is playing into your anxiety. Do you believe you are not respecting yourself by going abouit seeing him this way, also while you are still married? I would really check out my NVs as your words have not yet pinpointed disrespectfyul actions.

  158.  #158Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    Elsie I am with Dominique on this. I am also wondering if the stress of your divorce and keeping the relationship a secret from the kids is playing into your anxiety. Do you believe you are not respecting yourself by going abouit seeing him this way, also while you are still married? I would really check out my NVs as your words have not yet pinpointed disrespectfyul actions.

  159.  #159Annie on January 24, 2013 at 5:59 pm


    “My need to be reassured is from issues that stem from my parents/”

    Elsie, here is the key. X
    You do not need anyone elses reassurance, approval etc.
    And yes this need comes from your needs when you were a child not being met.
    the wounded child within you who needs to heal. x

  160.  #160Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    What does “NV” stand for?

  161.  #161Annie on January 24, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    negative voices in your head that run you down..

  162.  #162Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    NONE of his actions have been disrespectful. You are right on – thank you Feminine Woman. None have been disrespectful at all.

    He has never said he was going to call and didnt.
    He has never lied to me – ever in over a decade.
    He has never not kept a promise.

    He is respectful of me. But I wonder if he respects the fact that I am always there when he calls and so he doesnt really have to work for anything and he just knows that I’m always there….sort of taking me for granted.

    So he doesnt call for 3 days because he knows that he can sort of “get away with that.” Right? I dont know…..

    I’m a mess.

  163.  #163Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    EElsie is the normal pattern or is it an isolated incident?

  164.  #164Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Being there for him all the time does not necessarily translate into him lovking you. Are you doint thst to kinda buy his love and because he missed a few days contact you feel he owes you something? I would check myself to see if I give to control.

  165.  #165Lori on January 24, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Hi Elsie, Dominique has said that men don’t view time the same as we do. For a man to call twice a week is actually a lot for them. K calls me twice a week, even after he said he just wants to be friends.

    If he has kept his word, that’s awesome. I do understand your concern that he is taking you for granted. But, he is also learning that you are “safe”. I’m always here too. Sometimes I will let him go to voicemail. If it does, he sends me a text to let me know he left a v/m, which I think is funny actually. I always call him back.

  166.  #166Femininewoman on January 24, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    “I’m a mess” tells me your Nasty Voice is screaming at you

  167.  #167Annie on January 24, 2013 at 6:19 pm


    “So he doesnt call for 3 days because he knows that he can sort of “get away with that.” Right? I dont know…..

    I’m a mess.”

    If he doesn’t know it bothers you and that you need more contact, how is he able to rectify this?

    People treat us how we allow them to.
    It all boils down to if that is a deal breaker for you.

    And he doesn’t have to call you more often than this because like you said you are always there for him without him doing this and meeting your need for more contact.

  168.  #168Annie on January 24, 2013 at 6:20 pm


    “I would check myself to see if I give to control.”

    I feel in agreement and if this was the case would be a sign of co dependency.

  169.  #169Elsie on January 24, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    I think the “control” issue is probably dead on.


    I think he knows I would like more contact. I’m not sure why sometimes he doesnt give it. He has never ever said he would and didnt. But I dont ask either because I dont want to pressure him.

    Also, I just read Dominiques article on expectations. I think I do have huge expectations as to what he should do etc.

    I think that the need for those expectations comes from a need for constant reassurance.

    My goodness its powerful. My logical head says I need to tuck my crazy voice back in, but I just cant seem to do it and find the calmness and strength I need….

    ….and thank you all for being there for me tonight – I really really do appreciate it.

  170.  #170Annie on January 24, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    Elsie there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want.
    There is nothing wrong with wanting daily contact re phone calls etc for instance if that is what you require to feel connected and good.
    It’s how you express what you want and letting go of the outcome accepting that he may not want to give you what you want.
    The right man for you will want to.

  171.  #171Natalina on January 24, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    That is very true about how good this new edition of the book is, especially how easy it is to have on you all the time- I was able to download it to my ipod…so of coouuurse I have it with me easy to read – you can also make notes and highlight passages right there! before I had dozens of notebooks I would write thoughts in and do the excersizes. I tried printing the last version out, but it didnt quite work… THIS version is perfect!
    it feels so good to read everyones comments, it feels so great to relate to the same thoughts and feelings. I feel so much release in getting to know
    and releasing the parts of myself that have gotten all tangled up over the years. I can feel my insides changing. the people around me are starting to treat me more with value…and that feels good.

    much graditude for the many sirens here.

  172.  #172Memulo on January 24, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Elsie, don’t do this – not telling him directly what you want but hoping to ‘inspire’ him. Don’t think that if he wanted to see you he would have and it’s beneath you to ask for it. Don’t come up with excuses for him why he is missing for 3 days. Just tell him it’s unacceptable. Don’t torture yourself and don’t think you have no choice. Just tell him NO

  173.  #173Memulo on January 24, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    My cd texts several times a day to ask how I’m doing and tell me how beautiful I am. he calls every night too. He missed a couple of days and switched to texting – I told him I didn’t like it. politely but I did.

    With my prior cd who saw me once a week mostly and never called I expressed it would feel wonderful to see him more often. I said I missed him- with a big smile, I said these 2 sentences and then changed the subject. He smiled and kissed me but he did nothing. My problem wAs that I didn’t tell him NO. Please please learn from my mistakes

  174.  #174Vi on January 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    I feel turned on by that guy. It feels physically good and also I feel pisst at myself that he doesn’t have to DO anything so I would feel this way – he has just to BE around. It feels suspicious to me and gives me thoughts that my turn on feeling comes from a toxic place, and I can feel a tendency to physically lean forward closer to him when he is standing by, and that makes me feel like a chaser, not a prize.
    I also feel disturbed and guilty to feel turned on by other guys while being married. It would feel so good not to feel guilty about this. Guilt must be a sign that there is beating up going on inside me. Rory does not allow me to beat myself up. So – I love my guilt. I love my feelings. I love my sadness and frustration. I love my feeling pisst. I love my toxic part!!! Actually I am so great for doing it all about me and my feelings and for feeling through it! And for getting to know myself better and better… I feel so grateful to myself for making me feel so accepted by myself. And for being so daring. And I choose to feel like a prize, though it doesn’t feel that natural as yet. Which makes the whole situation a good chance for me to practice to consciously choose to be and feel like a prize! hehe 🙂

  175.  #175Vi on January 24, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    Time for the Waterwheel tool

  176.  #176Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Lori 82

    That’s so marvellous. And you have got it absolutely right. I also didn’t realise how much others can feel our vibe in the air, but it’s a huge thing. Bravo to you, and we are all behind you. X

    Like I said, I think a session for me would do me the world of good. Will try and organise it soon.

  177.  #177Lori on January 24, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Can I just say that I’m enjoying practicing what I’ve learned? One CD has been texting me since yesterday.

  178.  #178Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Dominique 65

    I know this in my heart of hearts, and I don’t know what I’m afraid of. The good news is that the fear has much less of a hold on me than it used to. I am able to release it after a bit of work.

    You are of course right about not directing this energy at him but channelling it to something else.

    There’s a visualisation which helps me a lot, and it’s where I imagine him as a bunch of balloons where I’m holding the strings, and I release them as they float up to the sky. It feels calming. One way or another, I know I need to respect his wishes, and I am going to do my level best to get there.

  179.  #179Indigo on January 24, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Feminine Woman 69 & 70

    Your words are very true. I deeply want to respect his wish for us to take a break. I think what you say about, in his mind, he has already decided to take the break, is very insightful.

    I think that is the pulling away that I am sensing.

    I have worked so much on my vibe, and I can feel a huge difference, and so I don’t like it when I slip into a vibe that feels needy and clingy, like you describe. I can feel it and I don’t want to do it. I want to respect his desire and his need for space, and I don’t want to make him feel like he is failing me because this is so far from the truth.

    I’m not even really sure what I fear, and so I think I am going to work on trying to release this fear. I don’t think it is based on something which has my best interests at heart.

    I want to give him the space, and I want to respect his wishes in this way. It is hard for me I suppose because he means so much to me, but I also don’t want to come over as desperate, and I do want to take responsibility for myself.

  180.  #180Lori on January 24, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Indigo, my visual is us both in a bubble where I’m leaning back as far as I can go without falling out. I’ve changed my vibe and energy, moving it away from him unless I deliberately aim it his way. The cding does help. I picture myself as soft, sensual, feminine, I’ve had a couple CDs tell me that I’m very sensual and feminine yet strong and confidant. Two have offered their cell numbers for me to text them. I haven’t yet.

    I could feel Dominique’s vibe, calm, almost serene. I want to have this vibe too.

  181.  #181Natalina on January 24, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    “choose to be and feel like a prize”
    i like that… right now i am feeling numb. it is very difficult for me to speak and respond with feeling messages, I feel like I act from masculine energy so much of the time that I botch all of my could be happiness up. I only saw my husband a few times today, just because of my schedule work… and in the few moments I did see him, he is just so distant and withdrawn… part of my beneath the numbness is so much anger.. why doesnt he love me? why doesnt he care how I feel? which is sadness, me feeling worthless to the world.
    I was trying to be brave, and used a feeling message to see if he would try to engage with me
    I said “:Im feeling very disconnected from you”
    he said nothing for a long time.
    then responded with a cheep snide remark about how he knew I was trying to use a “feeling message” ..
    I waited a moment then said “I dont like feeling this way”
    another moment then … what do you think?

    he said nothing for a very long time.. I started with another feeling message…and after awhile he just said
    I dont feel like talking.

    I feel just so much anger at him… and I pretty much let him have it hte rest of the way home. knowing deep down my saying anything after that point wasnt going ot help me at all. but I was angry. and I feel stuck. I feel like I am somtimes living in a box lined in spikesand glass… because no one cares what I feel or what I want. no one wants to take care of me.
    and that feels terrible.

    part of me just wants the quick fix. a big part of me.
    I dont like being put aside like that.
    …and it seems to happen so often…..

    I dont feel numb anymore, but sad. very sad.

  182.  #182Smile on January 24, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    Sirens it feels such an internal battle and struggle within myself to get up early in a morning. Even with 7 hours sleep. Any helpful suggestions? It’s starting to make me feel down 🙁

  183.  #183Tereana on January 25, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Smile – maybe you are just not a morning person? I love getting up early. But it’s easier to do when I have somewhere to go. Also, when there are windows to let in the light : )

  184.  #184Tereana on January 25, 2013 at 12:12 am

    A mixed bag of feelings.

    Did I mention already that I felt a little bit sad to move out if the house? It was weird. Unpleasant a place as it was, it was still a place that I had been moving into. It wads place I came “home” to – even if it didn’t feel like home. And things happened there. Good things. Yes, also the challenging ones. And ultimately I learned what I needed to know in order to understand that it wasn’t right for me, on many levels. But that doesn’t mean that my emotions didn’t get involved….

    And also, am I “controlling” to expect my parents to care what happened? I don’t feel like a “victim.” I made my choices, and then I made other choices. But still, it was bad. And yet, I get support from many places, but from my parents I get criticism and talk of all the things I did wrong, or ideas of what I could do right – as if I wasn’t capable of thinking myself.

    It makes me feel as if there is a steel vice around my brain. My heart geeks hollow and empty. What is the point of going for anything in my life that I really want? I can’t do it myself. And I’ll most likely fail. And why bother, since who I am is of no consequence anyway.

    These are the thoughts that follow, after thinking of how my parents have responded to my situation – even when I told my mom that the man tried to use as his sex slave. “that’s awful,” she said. Seriously. That’s awful, and why didn’t I call the police. Absolutely ZERO mention of me, my safety, my feelings – NOTHING. Am I the one being selfish here?…

  185.  #185Tereana on January 25, 2013 at 12:15 am

    P.s. Smile – maybe try 6.5 hours or 8 hours? I don’t know why, but I’ve always found 7 to be an awkward number of hours for sleep. I think it has to do with the length of our sleep cycles, and where you are in the cycle when you wake up. Try it and see what happens!

  186.  #186Rebecca on January 25, 2013 at 12:48 am

    Oooohh I have time to catch up on the blog this morning. Yipeeee!!!

  187.  #187Rebecca on January 25, 2013 at 12:57 am

    Grrr, I feel a little fed up this morning.

    I feel jinxed.

    Yesterday, I was telling an ex-work colleague how happy I am in my new job. At the moment I have been heavily involved in a great project but when I got home yesterday evening my line manager who I barely ever see had written me an email demanding I need to come back to the office and tell all my colleagues what I am working on.

    Because I am new I barely know anybody and because of this project I’m working on (organised by one of the main managers – nothing to do with her) I don’t have time to spend one day a week in the office.

    I think I am upset because of the way she spoke to me. She hasn’t had a conversation with me – she has just barked instructions at me. It’s weird because I’ve noticed no-one else in my office or the office that I’m doing the project in speaks to me like that.

    Grrrrrr…. I feel so upset and have no idea how to express this.

    I always said to myself that I should take things a step at a time, no-one owes me anything and if it goes wrong it goes wrong. But it’s hard to say that now….

    I feel so sad. I feel like someone has pricked me and I am deflating…..

    Sorry, I know I’m a drama queen.

  188.  #188Annie on January 25, 2013 at 1:24 am

    173: MemuloNo Gravatar says:

    My cd texts several times a day to ask how I’m doing and tell me how beautiful I am. he calls every night too. He missed a couple of days and switched to texting – I told him I didn’t like it. politely but I did.

    With my prior cd who saw me once a week mostly and never called I expressed it would feel wonderful to see him more often. I said I missed him- with a big smile, I said these 2 sentences and then changed the subject. He smiled and kissed me but he did nothing. My problem wAs that I didn’t tell him NO. Please please learn from my mistakes.

    Yay to Go Memulo.
    Exactly why are you tolerating something you don’t want Elsie?
    And trying to tell yourself you are wrong for wanting what you want.
    If you want to be contacted daily to feel connected that is what you want, tolerating and settling for what you don’t want will never NEVER make you feel truly happy, you will just be pretending that you are ok and happy with something you are really not happy with.
    The right man for you will step up and want to give you the type of relationship you want.

    There is targeting Mr Right.
    Commitment blueprint.
    Roris new e book. etc.
    Love scripts.
    So much that is available to help you.

  189.  #189Annie on January 25, 2013 at 1:29 am

    At the moment Elsie, you are focusing and centering your attention on this one individual man. Who at the moment is not all that and is not meeting you needs for the contact and communication you want.
    Rather than focusing your attention on you and the relationship you want and being open to the right/best man for you who wants to and is able to do the job coming along. X

  190.  #190Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:07 am

    I’m afraid I can’t get married cuz my husband will always irritate me and turn me off!

    And I’ll always want to cheat the whole time!

    That’s how I felt dating that one guy from highschool


    I felt turned off !

    Thus ‘ugly’ sexy guy kissed me tonite n he was sooooo shy and he got his courage up and kissed me so well and actually touched my pussy! Which felt surprising and good …

    Well THAT felt good

    And sexual pleasure is taking a high n higher priority in my life and relationship desires right now

  191.  #191Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:10 am

    So if this shy guy can do it abd it feels good, it’s an easy requirement. Yay ! 🙂

    And he opened my door without me asking.

    Bonus points !

  192.  #192Rebecca on January 25, 2013 at 2:14 am

    I am afraid to face my fears.

    And I need to turn this around.

    I need to feel strong enough to FACE my fears…

    I love my fear. I love my feeling of want to run away and hide and bury my face in my pillow and hope it will ALL go away..


  193.  #193Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:22 am

    He’s raising his son. Wow cool beans. Well his sister lives there.

    Mmmmm I want him to come back n kiss touch me some more.

    Ohhhh he was gifted / skilled.

    He put his head down n I rubbed it, and i was like why does it make Me feel tingly to touch Your head!

    I felt tingly touching His head.

    It felt Really trippy.

    N now I feel like yum!

    Happy Thank You More Please !

  194.  #194Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:31 am

    Rebecca :

    Wat works for me is… Don’t use ‘I need’ in your formulations.

    Notice your NV does this and how it feels… Tightens up and … Bad

    Try something like wrotibg down a question for the mind that will go somewhere that feels good :

    Why is it do easy to do this ?

    Why am I so perfect in the way I feel my fear?

    Why am I so good at feeling my fear and transforming my life how I want to ???

    And ignore! The nasty voice that gets triggered when u ask…

    Don’t work to answer them , let ur mind pick them up and simmer them . Then it will influence your mood. This takes me to a better feeling place.

  195.  #195Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:51 am

    Rebecca: more:

    ***I think I am upset because of the way she spoke to me. She hasn’t had a conversation with me – she has just barked instructions at me.****

    Yup. That’s why you feel upset. Likely angry. Sad abd scared. Try to feel and babytalk/loveytalk yourself through each. ‘I’m here for you while you feel these big feelings.’ works great for me.

    *****It’s weird because I’ve noticed no-one else in my office or the office that I’m doing the project in speaks to me like that.*****

    This is unimportant. Mind has found something to think about – perhaps related to past … If more than one person attacks me, it’s ‘ok’, if only one then , catches my attention –
    What stands out most is that the feelings triggered by being spoken to that way are Not acknowledged. Instead there’s a ‘I wonder’ type thought (introduced by the ‘it’s weird’) to distract from the feelings and disassociate.

    Are you with me here ? This is awesome! This is great stuff we’re deconstructing a pattern! Yay!!!

    *****Grrrrrr…. I feel so upset and have no idea how to express this.******

    Great ! This is an awesome feeling message. ‘ I feel so upset’ works fine too. Say it Out Loud to yourself about the situation. ‘I feel upset’. Try saying it to some ‘safe’ others who aren’t involved in the situation, to get used to sharing your feelings.

    ****I always said to myself that I should take things a step at a time, no-one owes me anything and if it goes wrong it goes wrong. But it’s hard to say that now….******

    ‘I always said to myself’ always introduces a ‘charged’ belief. Something that it’s important for us to believe safety wise… Why? Does this belief keep us safe? Pretend we didn’t have this belief… What would be different ? What are some things that would feel Good that would be different?

    *****I feel so sad. I feel like someone has pricked me and I am deflating…..*****

    This feels like poetry…

    ****Sorry, I know I’m a drama queen.****

    Poor girl… Be very very careful not to apologize for yourself. It will lift you up everytime you remember not to.

    People don’t Mind you being a drama queen.

    People don’t kind anything you don’t.

    So do you mind being a drama queen ? What would it be like if you didn’t mind ? Pretend you love being a drama queen because – ironically n magically – if made men like you. What would you say to them then ? What would your most drama queen be if you knew you were safe and each time men – and women – liked you more?

    Ignore the nv … Keep asking yourself the questions that lead to better feeling thoughts… And don’t try to answer, let your mind do the work to do it … It will boost your mood.

  196.  #196Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:55 am

    Ps – ‘I love my fear. I love my feeling of want to run away and hide and bury my face in my pillow and hope it will ALL go away..


    This feels so lovely. I just wana hug you and comfort you .

  197.  #197Daria on January 25, 2013 at 2:59 am

    Omg! Big moment for me!

    I just realized comforting others I’m afraid to do it lest they think it’s disrespectful cuz I think they’re weak n less capable then me

    An I’m ‘running shit’ as my mom wd put it if she spoke English

    I feel fear of this cuz of my mom!!!

    And I assume all women want that level of Respect from me.

    I treat Them as masculine energy and the men as feminine!


    Wat da fuchk!!!!????


  198.  #198Daria on January 25, 2013 at 3:14 am

    So I should be calling women to hang out, n comfort them wen they cry

    I feel so uncomfortable w that…

    I don’t feel confortable Being seen when I think I look ‘weak’


    Oh it Does feel so good to give up control n know that big last loves you and will take care of you

    It did feel good

    I do t remember

    I want to feel safe and loved like that all the time

    I feel guilty that I didn’t feel that w my mom

    I want to be loyal to my mom

    I ride w her to the end!

    I feel very lil boy like about my mom

    Defending her etc

    I love my lil boyness

    Haha I feel embarassed of my lil boyness

    U love my lil boyness

    I love my embarrassment


    I love my sad smile lil boy lil girl turn lil boy.


    I love my fight.

    I love my sad calculating.

    I love my strategizing.

    I love that feeling of safety n time stop m getting a break.

    I love feeling ‘in the striggle’

    I love my desires

    I appreciate that as I get stronger and enjoy my time not in the struggle strengthening even more bec of my strength

    I love my intensity I love my desire to move n struggle n grown n push n it wd feel so good if I was doing workouts

    I live my sadness

    I suck cuz I don’t do workouts says voice

    Yay! I’m using that to heal Hella shit

  199.  #199Indigo on January 25, 2013 at 3:20 am


    I also battle with 7 hours of sleep. I always try to get 8 hours. If you are a highly sensitive person, the recommendation is 10 hours of rest in a darkened room. I imagine this could be tweaked for each person, but perhaps experiment with getting more sleep?

  200.  #200Tam on January 25, 2013 at 5:02 am

    I did spend the evening with Curly last night. He cooked me dinner and fixed something in my condo (I did not ask him to, he just turned up with the stuff and did it).
    He was being extremely nice and sweet and respectful.
    So that was nice.
    It really felt like a CD date and nothing else.
    And it did feel good…he respected all my boundaries and didn’t push for a relationship again..I felt no pressure.

  201.  #201Elsie on January 25, 2013 at 5:18 am

    Thank you everyone for your advice and words. I”m just not in a good place right now. I dont like that I need so much reassurance. I dont think its healthy. I know it stems from needing approval and reassurance from my parents, and then not getting any kind of affection or reassurance for over a decade from my soon to be ex husband.

    So, I have a bit of trouble when people say … well, if thats what you need, then thats what you need. I think some of the things I need may not be normal. I dont know what normal and healthy in a relationship is to be honest…..


  202.  #202Dominique on January 25, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Indigo – 178 – The fear is usually fear of rejection/abandonment. I think many of us have this deep down. I do even though my intellectual self knows this to be false. Those fears can be deeply ingrained. And you learn ways to love those fears and gently put them to bed or at least put them down for a nap.

    I think you are doing beautifully in your handling of it. That you feel the fear diminishing is awesome, and that you have ways to soothe the fear when it arise is fantastic.

    It will keep diminishing, and when it does arise, you will be able to put it into proper perspective more and more easily.

  203.  #203Dominique on January 25, 2013 at 5:37 am

    Elsie – 201 – What is normal? I certainly don’t know. Most people LOVE reassurance and validation. It’s not a positive or a negative. It just is. The more you can provide this for yourself though the less you will feel disappointment when you are not getting it elsewhere.

    This isn’t necessarily an easy thing to do for yourself. So you take it step by step, little bit by little bit.

    Really take some time for you. BE with you. Lavish love on you. Pay attention to and revel in your self care, eg. the silky feel of your body lotion on your still moist skin. Can you feel a bit of a turn on? Slow down and FEEL all the good feeling feelings, the sensations. Notice the beauty outside your bedroom window for example. Take it in. Feel it.

    Start a thankfulness journal. Write about ALL the things you can feel thankful for, from the smallest thing to bigger things. You may feel surprised at how much is wonderful in your world already, right now.


  204.  #204Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 5:39 am

    I feel angry and sad. I feel shy and scared asking this, but does anyone have a good feeling message for “we need to talk?”

    I know you are absolutely NOT supposed to say that to men because it freaks them out and tends to make them think that something’s wrong,

    but something IS wrong, and I need to talk to him about it, and I know I have to be the one to initiate the conversation.

    (sidenote: I kind of want to “freak him out.” I feel so disrespected and angry that I want to put the fear of God into him.)

    “It would feel good to talk” would not work in this instance, because it’s not going to feel good.

    I don’t want to talk about details on the blog. I trust myself. There is no better feeling in this world than trusting myself.

    I just need a good feeling message, if y’all wouldn’t mind.

    I feel really tense.
    I feel powerful.
    I feel ready to defend myself.
    I feel kind of angry that I’m the only one that i can count on to defend myself.
    I want to feel great about being the only one to defend myself, but right now, I don’t.

    I crave protection and a defender. With a gun.

    “I feel so angry and we need to talk.”

    Something tells me that won’t go over very well…

    I feel like hiding and crying.

  205.  #205Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 5:53 am

    I feel really manipulated, shaky, and unsafe around him. I feel so angry that he pretends to be friends with my friends, when I suspect a hidden agenda for even hanging out with us. I know it’s none of my business, but it BECAME my business when he dragged me into it.

    This is judgmental, but I think he is the weakest, most cowardly and pathedic man I have ever met. A two faced, heartless liar.

    Of course, I’m not going to say that to him, because I’m too nice.

    Maybe I feel tired of being nice.

    Maybe I want to be horrible, and maybe i want that to be okay.

    I’m so tired of getting stepped on and used.

    I feel like I’ve recently stood up for myself more than I ever have, and I LOVE the way it feels. I don’t care if standing up for myself means I end up alone.

    It’s worth it.

    I don’t care about being loved, cherished, and protected anymore. oh, sure I care, but not if it means I have to sacrafice being respected.

    I don’t want a man looking at me and thinking “oh you stupid little pathedic thing, you’re so cute when you’re angry, and you’re so helpless, of course I’ll be the big strong man and protect you from other big strong men.”

    because really, what else do we need protection from?

    we’re not even safe taking a walk by ourselves on a beautiful warm evening.

    and the only reason is because of men.

    I want to be respected, and maybe even feared.

    I don’t know where these feelings are coming from…

  206.  #206Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 6:06 am

    I feel so vulnerable and so angry that I made myself vulnerable. where does it get you? huh? where does it get you?

  207.  #207Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 6:14 am

    I was so boiling angry at him, and I know he could tell. and I feel like the only reason he showed up again was because he was trying to figure out why I was so angry. but at this point, I was less angry. and so he feels safe and will go on his merry way.

    I don’t want his way to be merry…

  208.  #208Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 6:15 am

    who gave you permission to even LOOK at me anyway?

  209.  #209Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 6:25 am

    too weak, wimpy, and scared to approach and ask “you seem angry. why?”

  210.  #210Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 6:30 am

    a man’s greatest fear is to appear weak? welp, your greatest fear has just been realized, you little spineless thing, you.

  211.  #211Calypso on January 25, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Sirens . . . . .

    I just had the best 1st date of my life!!!!

    Hound (I think I’ll keep this name cuz it is a term of endearment now) was wonderful. We got there at the same time, but parked on opposite sides of the street. When we saw each other, we just moved toward each other and met in the middle of the street and hugged, but he was obviously feeling protective and was looking at traffic and made us get out of the road – LOL.

    I was nervous . . . we went inside and they put us in a large booth – we sat on the same side of the table, facing the stage where the band was getting ready to play. We ordered beers and our food and sat and talked just a minute, then he leaned over and kissed me . . . I swear I felt it all the way into my toes!!!

    We sat there talking, singing along with the band and sneaking kisses for 4 hours! Finally he asked me if I would go sit in his truck with him a while . . . Whew! Hot, Hot, Hot . . . crazy, heavy petting for an hour – but we kept our clothes on!!! LOL. I told him I was proud of us 🙂

    I know it is soon . . . I know the chances of finding your perfect match in this great big universe are slim, but – my soul is singing with joy! He called me the minute we drove off and we talked for another hour – I am sooooo tired this morning at work, but it was worth it!

    He told me on the phone right before we hung up that he could see himself falling for me . . . I said, “Let’s do it together” and he replied, “Just tell me when you are ready” – wow. I can’t wait for Sunday to get here! he is picking me up at my house and we are going to spend the day together – I don’t know or care what he has in mind – I’m quite smitten 🙂 and I like it!!!

  212.  #212Calypso on January 25, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Sirens . . . . .

    I just had the best 1st date of my life!!!!

    Hound (I think I’ll keep this name cuz it is a term of endearment now) was wonderful. We got there at the same time, but parked on opposite sides of the street. When we saw each other, we just moved toward each other and met in the middle of the street and hugged, but he was obviously feeling protective and was looking at traffic and made us get out of the road – LOL.

    I was nervous . . . we went inside and they put us in a large booth – we sat on the same side of the table, facing the stage where the band was getting ready to play. We ordered beers and our food and sat and talked just a minute, then he leaned over and kissed me . . . I swear I felt it all the way into my toes!!!

    We sat there talking, singing along with the band and sneaking kisses for 4 hours! Finally he asked me if I would go sit in his truck with him a while . . . Whew! Hot, Hot, Hot . . . crazy, heavy petting for an hour – but we kept our clothes on!!! LOL. I told him I was proud of us

    I know it is soon . . . I know the chances of finding your perfect match in this great big universe are slim, but – my soul is singing with joy! He called me the minute we drove off and we talked for another hour – I am sooooo tired this morning at work, but it was worth it!

    He told me on the phone right before we hung up that he could see himself falling for me . . . I said, “Let’s do it together” and he replied, “Just tell me when you are ready” – wow. I can’t wait for Sunday to get here! he is picking me up at my house and we are going to spend the day together – I don’t know or care what he has in mind – I’m quite smitten and I like it!!!

  213.  #213Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 6:35 am

    the only time you even man up is when other men are around. what, you can’t be a man by yourself? because when you’re by yourself, you are PURE GIRL. except, you are not as cool, powerful, or intuitive as a REAL PURE GIRL. so you’re just…pathedic.

  214.  #214Sunflower on January 25, 2013 at 6:55 am

    I am feeling silly…

    The CDs who has been out of town on work, but kept in touch – sent a warm letter about him coming back, and remembering things we had said about on our last date together.

    It felt good, but instead of saying that, I goofed up with a really silly oneliner response.
    nothing big, just silly.
    He has gone quiet and i feels awkaward…???

    I feel embarrassed.
    I feel worried that men will dislike me for the silly things I do and say.
    With this worry I end up creating unnecessary negative tension

    I do this quite often
    I don’t know how to be comfortable with my silliness with men, and help it to make me feel close.?

  215.  #215Linda on January 25, 2013 at 6:56 am


    I have been reading your posts. I have lived and felt what you are living and feeling. I had a relationship like what you have. We were in transition, was held secret… all of it.

    Today, as I look and “feel” back … it was NOT a relationship like I wanted. I knew it when I was in it but… my attachment was so strong. We loved each other. The secret way I was living was not me and did not line up with who I was at my core.

    I share this with you in hopes you will consider taking a step back. CHeck in with yourself, do things line up for you nor not. Only you can answer that.

    I see you heavily invested in him, your thoughts, expectactions, communication…and his presence fullfilling all those things as being your key to wellness, mentally, emotionally.. etc. Male attention feels so good when you have not had it in a marriage or relationship… when you find get it.. yes you want more and more. Shifting your energy into thing that feed you for you is the best gift you could give yourself. Neediness and co-dependancy is a strong and it can can mask itself as other things. It can kill a relationship.

    Spend time on you, and children. Invest in things that make you happy and if you dont know what those are, then spend some time exploring what those could be. It is the best gift you can give yourself and the relationship.


  216.  #216Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Elsie I feel for you. It is my belief that your mind is struggling to grab on to something. I also believe that it might be difficult to wrap your mind around the “do something for yourself” advice yet it is all about turning your mind away from thoughts surrounding him. Try just doing it for one moment at a time and go from there. Have you investigated meditation? I would if I were you. There is a prigram called Clear Mind that you might be able to find on the Internet. I hope this link will take you to the demo.

    I use it to get myself focussing on connecting in my heart and feeling some stuff that I did not know exist inside me. Just one step at a time to move your psychic energy around to other things.

  217.  #217Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 7:09 am

    @213 Sunflower – I feel so curious about your post. Part of me wants to say that the right guy will adore your silliness.

    It kind of sounds like you don’t like your own silliness?

    why not?

    Is your silliness maybe a fearful reaction to cover up true feelings and authenticity?

    If it isn’t “authentic silliness,” (whatever that means) maybe that’s why you are afraid it will push men away?

    have men rejected you for your silliness before?

    could your silliness be your way of protecting yourself from true intimacy or a way of dealing with the intense fear you have?

    just some stuff to consider…

  218.  #218Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 7:16 am

    @214 Linda – wow, Linda. amazing…I feel in awe of the wisdom.

  219.  #219Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 7:23 am

    RE 202 Dominique for the first time today as I did some meditation and went deep in my heart I felt fear in there. I have felt it in my gut area but never in my heart. Yet funny enough as I felt the fear and tried to unconsciously run from it I felt myself tighten up my groin area. As I came back to my heart to relax it and further relax and melt my body these feelings morphed and felt like warm melting wax. I thought I had known how to melt before but now I know there are more levels to experience. It is amazing how I feel fearful of my own feelings as if I feel terrorized by them.

  220.  #220Sunflower on January 25, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Thanks iamabutterfly, I am sometimes silly, come from
    an impatient streak i have in me,
    is impatience about wanting to control i wonder.

    I feel full of admiration for people who are calm,
    then i feel judgemental about myself,
    and so lacking in calmness….:(

    maybe calmess is about letting go of control (just wondering now)

  221.  #221Sunflower on January 25, 2013 at 7:29 am

    No, actually I don’t remember any man rejecting me for my silliness…oh that is a nice thought..
    maybe my silliness makes me fun too,
    and not stiff, and warmm…hehe

  222.  #222Tam on January 25, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Today I feel grateful for love coming to me – reconnected with a long lost cousin on facebook and exchanging photos. He is so sweet.
    We used to play together a lot as kids and kind of lost contact in the last 20 years…he is still the sweet and somewhat uncomplicated person he was as a kid. So lovely.
    I am also grateful for last night’s date. Curly was so happy just to get next to me. No sex, he was just happy to hug me and cuddle and anything else was a huge bonus and my sheer presence made him visibly happy. Kind of nice.

    I like it when men don’t have expectations from me or expectations of sex or how the evening is ‘supposed to go’. This makes me feel accepted and comfy.

  223.  #223Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 7:51 am

    On another note someone at work who should have taught me something asked me yesterday to teach her the same thing. I said no because after waiting for a whole week and then finally wading my way through asking other people around the place and now coming out on the other end. I said no because she is the type who asks a million questions and says she does not understand and I did not feel like being grilled.

    In any event after I said no she said she did not understand and that she is asking me to teach her. I repeated no again maybe 3 times then she said that does not sound so nice. So I repeated that I am not prepared to teach her. So she said but I helped you the other day when the other colleague did not want to help. So I asked what did you help me with and was told she provided a sample of a document that I was asking about. Then again insisted that I teach her. I felt picked up slammed up against the wall in a corner, shaken and told what to do. I ended up shaking myself to show her how I felt and just told her that I do not want to go there.

    What I came face to face with is how other people feel when I refuse to accept no for an answer. I can imagine how a man feels when he makes a decision and we want otherwise.

    I also see how clearly deceitful and scary it feels and looks to be dealing with a woman who smiles sweetly while raging at me on the inside and trying to control me. The feeling is palpable. I could also see the tightening up around the mouth to push back the energy and the feelings. However, it felt like energy directed at and coming at me that I wanted to run away from. It really felt like harassment to me as I felt like someone was trying to control me while disrespecting my wish.

    Now I am looking at it because I found myself this morning kinda hooking into it to figure out my come back and telling her off in my mind. I also want to see how I contributed to the interaction and how I could have handled it differently. Though I was sure on the inside that I wanted to say no and still am sure about that.

  224.  #224Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 7:57 am

    “like it when men don’t have expectations from me or expectations of sex or how the evening is ‘supposed to go’. This makes me feel accepted and comfy.”

    I wonder if they feel the same when the roles are reversed.

  225.  #225Lori on January 25, 2013 at 8:00 am

    FW 222, I get what you are saying. I’m much more aware now of what I’m saying, thinking, and feeling. I never realized what we give off.

    I’m glad you stuck to your decision and didn’t allow her to push you into something you didn’t want to do.

  226.  #226Mercedes on January 25, 2013 at 8:06 am

    I found out last night that the dream I’m manifesting for myself isn’t going to happen right now. It’s still going to happen, but the agony of waiting for other people to make decisions is over. They have decided that at this time, they are unable to participate in my dream (they don’t know that’s what their decision means, but it does).

    And I’m actually okay with that. I’m disappointed but not overwhelmingly disappointed. I’m hopeful that it will still happen very soon and I’m focused on the fact that everything happens for a reason and the time just isn’t right.

    I must be needed right here in my current situation more than I’m needed in my desired situation right now. That’s a good place to be.

    I’m still manifesting this dream though. G0d has about a billion ways of bringing me my desires and I have no doubt it’ll happen when I’m ready and when the situation is perfect. I feel ready. As soon as it is time, I will be on board with it. 🙂

    Much Love,

  227.  #227Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Thank you Lori.

    The other thing I came face to face with is how people keep score to call in relationship debt and how giving is used as a form of control. I found myself deciding “I will never ask you for or about anything again”. I just wanted to get away from the whole interaction as the intensity seemed uncalled for and dramatic.

  228.  #228Elsie on January 25, 2013 at 8:23 am

    Thank you again everyone for your help.

    Linda – this was NEVER planned. It seriously just happened.

    I have thought so much about this in the last 12 hours. I think I do need him for validation and reassurance. I should be able to get that from myself.

    That is a lot to put on a person.

    I think I do have codependency issues big time. BIG TIME.

    Is it wrong that I feel like I dont want to work through them – I jsut want him to reassure me – that would be easier than working through these issues.

    Anyway – he did not text me last night, but did text me this morning something small.

    Anyway – I need more. I just am not sure that is healthy.

    Also our realtionship is not a real one in which we ca do everything normally. Hopefully that comes in time.

    I’m just all over the place.

    I just wish everything were where it needs to be and he and I could be “normal”

    I’m moving forward on the divorce. That is my focus. But I just feel so good when he is around, and I crave that – I feel like I need it. I miss it when its gone. I guess thats codependency – someone else is necessary for your happiness…..sigh.

    Not a good day….sirens…..not a good day.


  229.  #229Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 8:27 am

    “Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.”

    ― Henry Ford

  230.  #230Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Create A Safe Space For Both Of You To Open Up

    By “safe,” I mean telling a man that what you think, feel ,and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.

    Here’s your action plan: sit down with him today at some time when you’re both settled and relaxed.

    Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours.

    (If you don’t believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation – because you get what you give!)

    Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness – yours and his.

    What you’re doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other’s real feelings – regardless of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment.

    Find A Guy Who Can Create A Truly Honest Relationship
    This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are heard and respected.

    Christian Carter

  231.  #231Lori on January 25, 2013 at 8:43 am

    FW 229, that’s pretty much what I want to do if K would cooperate, lol. He’s aware that I want to talk, it’s making time to do it. 🙂

  232.  #232Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Who Gets to “Carry” the Emotions

    What if NEITHER of you are “carrying” the emotions – but just sort of getting along and going along and spending time and going places…?

    It sounds pleasant and promising – but it isn’t. If both of you are in your “heads” all the time, thinking, your relationship simply can’t GO anywhere. It’s stuck in neutral gear. It’s got the parking brake on. It won’t move.

    If YOU, however, can FEEL your feelings – feel how DEEP you are as a woman, then a man can RELAX.

    He can feel taken care of and safe – because he knows and feels that YOU have this emotion thing covered, that you can handle it, that you can FEEL – and so he starts letting his guard down.

    He starts feeling okay letting you see how he feels. Until YOU supply that “juice”, he’ll just stay in parking gear!

    So, What Does “Juice” Look Like?
    It really doesn’t LOOK like anything special or amazing…it just FEELS like emotional energy.

    Now, I want to be totally clear here – emotional nergy is not the same as “drama.” “Drama” is what we do when we’re uncomfortable with our feelings, and so we act out of our resistance to feeling our feelings.

    In other words: If you’re angry – but you’re not comfortable enough with your deep anger to say “I feel angry” to a man – then you’re likely to be dramatic about telling him how wrong he is, or correcting him, or doing or saying something out of anger…instead of simply sharing with him how you feel.

    It’s this sharing of your Feeling State that provides the juice in your relationship. And juice doesn’t have a label, like “positive” or “negative.” There isn’t a rule about whether anger is “negative” and laughing is “positive.” As a human being, as women, we have ALL those feelings going on.

    If you’re finding yourself always angry with a man, that’s your clue that something is wrong. You’re likely DOING too much. You’re likely putting out way too much effort, and pretty much rowing the boat.

    So Let’s Find The Juice…
    Next time you’re with a man, instead of working to be perky and funny, and easy and confident – check in with your body and your heart.

    How do you REALLY feel? Are you nervous? Excited? Upset with him about something he just did or didn’t do? The moment you try to pretend you don’t feel what you actually DO feel – all your juice dries up.


    Find the juice. Find your feeling, whatever it is. If you have lots of feelings, and they’re bounding back and forth, find them all as you can sense them.
    Write them down. For each feeling, write it like this:
    I feel…..(sad, mad, glad, afraid…).
    Now – feel your FACE.
    That’s right, your face. Put your hand to your cheek and your jaw, and see if you can feel the muscles and how they’re working. See if your face has the same expression as your feelings – see if they match.
    That means – if you’re smiling – you’d better be feeling happy. And if you’re frowning, you’d better be feeling mad or sad.
    Now adjust your face to fit your feelings, instead of the other way around. You may have to excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to check this out in the mirror.
    Now take a chance and speak exactly how you’re feeling, simply and clearly, without mentioning him or what he did or didn’t do.
    Just own your feelings, own your juice.
    To get more help on how to do this, start with my ebook, Have the Relationship You Want. It has the basics about how to own your feelings and express them to a man in a way that brings you closer”

    Read My eBook
    Get Even Juicier
    For more comprehensive, in-depth help with bringing out that “juice” and letting your true self come through with a man, then go straight to my program Modern Siren.

    “Siren” will walk you through exactly how to find your feelings, process them, and then speak them – so you’ll pull a man (EVERY man) right into your juicy depths. I actually work through this with women in the audience, and you can learn the do’s and don’ts of this process right along with them.

    Also, if you’re in a relationship right now, and your man is taking you for granted, or even actually pulling away, and you’re worried that he’s becoming interested in other women, or his job is taking over all his time, Modern Siren will help.

    The Siren Tools work on a very deep level, so that he’ll FEEL the change in your “vibe.” He’ll feel your new confidence and softness, and quickly feel more attracted to you, and then emotionally safer with you – so he’ll COME close, and then STAY close:

    Modern Siren
    Try this Tool right now, and let me know how it works for you…

    Love, Rori

  233.  #233Femininewoman on January 25, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Lori I believe he is feeling the waiting and your hanging in the air energy as pressure. It is possible that he does not want to talk and needs to feel that can be respected.

  234.  #234Rori Raye on January 25, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Calypso, Welcome – and keep us posted! Love, Rori

  235.  #235Elsie on January 25, 2013 at 8:50 am

    OK I’ve been doing some research. I think I’m codependent. Thats hard for me to say – but I think its true.

  236.  #236Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 9:22 am

    I FEEL ANGRY! except I actually don’t right now. I feel apathedic.

  237.  #237Lori on January 25, 2013 at 10:02 am

    FW 233, that could be true. I did tell him that if he really didn’t want to talk, that I would rather he just tell me. He said he absolutely would tell me. He has generally been open and forthright when we talk. Not sure.

    But, I am going to move on from it. I’m having fun CDing and have lots going on.

  238.  #238Iamabutterfly on January 25, 2013 at 10:07 am

    new thread up, everyone. and I’m freaking out on it like a fool!

  239.  #239Calypso on January 25, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Calypso confusion was caused by me having a bad email address the first time I tried to post my Hound date details this morning – never fear – there is not a new Calypso . . . one of me is plenty – lol . . .

  240.  #240Dominique on January 25, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Femininewoman – 219 – I love this…


  241.  #241Smile on January 25, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Terena and indigo, thank you for your responses.

    I’ve investigated a bit more about sleep cycles to see what would be a good length of time for me to sleep. I’ve found it really fascinated actually. Calculating the time I’m going to bed to when my alarm goes off I am in the deepest part if my cycle. So I’m going to tweak this and see what happens. It’s because I have moved house and the half an hour extra travel to work is interfering with my sleep cycles.

    Tomorrow is Saturday and no alarm is needed. I’ll get up when I want as Ive planned a slow relaxing morning.

  242.  #242Indigo on January 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Dominique 202

    Thank you so much. Your encouragement means a great deal to me.

    I agree with you, I think it is fear of being abandoned or rejected for sure. I actually feel so thrilled with how far I’ve come, and that it has so much less of a hold on me than it did before (and it’s with so much thanks to all of you) and I feel so encouraged by your words that I can get there, that I can get to the point where I can smile at my fear and just gently put it to bed, as you say.

    I feel now that I am going to give the 6 months break he has asked for. So far, I have really only got to the point in myself that I have made the decision, I don’t yet know how I’m going to do it 🙂

    Your words to Elsie were helpful too (and Linda’s and Feminine Woman’s) for the reminder to be that reassurance for ourselves, to really get to the point where we love ourselves enough that we are able to create a beautiful strong feeling in ourselves for ourselves.


  243.  #243k2012 on January 25, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Hi ladies, how are u all doing? It was a busy week for me at work. Real busy. Congratulations to u Rori on your new book. Still awaiting on my approval of my credit card so I can purchase it. I didn’t get a chance to read the first book. Will that still be available for sale to us? I want to know. Thanks.

  244.  #244Heidi on January 30, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    I have really enjoyed everything you have to say. I haven’t purchased just yet. The tool of circular dating reminds me of my resent breakup. In a toxic way, he also circular dated, it made him feel strong and not need me. I found out he had girlfriends in other states. The sad thing is he will never experience the true love you can share with someone.

  245.  #245Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Heidi – HE’S NOT supposed to Circular Date, YOU are! He’s supposed to want YOU. Love, Rori

  246.  #246k2012 on February 1, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Thanks for clarifying that Rori. So we are the only ones who are to circular date. Ok. I hear u.

  247.  #247k2012 on February 1, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    So if we find out that they are circular dating, what should we do Rori?