Another Note From The Universe

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laddertoskyI love this guy. I get these every day from He’s Tom Dooley (of The Secret…yes…), but I think of these as from The Universe…

I can assure you, Rori, that the time will come when you, too, will ask, “In what fields did I sow seeds to deserve so very, very much?”

Then I’ll remind you that the whole sowing-seeds-cause-and-effect concept was just a myth, because you were born deserving.

Hosanna in the Highest,
The Universe

Yeah, should’ve told you a long time ago, Rori. My bad.

Tom’s whole thing is this:

Thoughts become things…choose the good ones.

And I love this. It’s not about turning your negative thoughts into positive ones via affirmations…it’s about CHOOSING the good ones out of all the thoughts you have going on at any given moment. And how do you choose the “good” ones…?

Not by some kind of mental “judgment” that “this is good and this is bad” …but how it FEELS when you think it.

How, if you were to follow that thought and DO the thing that thought is thinking about doing, or the place that thought is thinking about putting you in…how THAT would FEEL.

Same with all the feelings you have. Instead of trying to label a feeling as bad to have (grief, let’s say)…and trying to turn it into something else by distracting yourself or talking yourself out of the feeling…go INTO the feeling for a moment. Honor it. Let it know it’s welcome in your repertoire of feelings. Embrace it, sink down into the feeling Soup where it came from. And THEN…

Feel what ELSE you feel. There are so many floating around in that Soup at any given moment.

If you feel yourself in your head thinking thoughts – choose a different thought that shows up…that drifts by. See if some better-feeling thoughts lead you to some better feeling feelings. See what’s connected to what…what good feeling thing leads to another good feeling thing.

See if there’s something in the Soup that jumps out for your attention that feels a bit better than where you are now…and just GO with THAT one!

I know it sounds too easy…but truly…we make it all so HARD on ourselves.

We cling to our bad feelings as if they are BADGES. We all feel so instinctively guilty for simply feeling Good — we get into our heads trying to JUSTIFY feeling good. Trying to put down in writing how we DESERVE this good feeling.

So…this short note says it all.

You don’t have to DO anything to deserve to feel good. That’s the natural way of things. Feeling good. When bad things happen, and tragedy strikes, and day-to-day challenges seem impossible to get past…yes…the icky feelings get triggered, the fear, the guilt, the sense that we’ve brought all this down on ourselves (after all – if we believe we deserve to feel good only because we DID something to deserve it — then we must’ve done something bad in order to be feeling something bad, right? Well – not right. Wrong.

Think about innocent babies born into unloving, abusive homes. It’s such a horrible thing to contemplate, we struggle to find meaning in it. When it all gets painful to consider – the way people suffer all over the world…I go to trying to figure out a reason why, too. But now, I prefer to bless my personal good luck. I prefer to be in the troop that is working for peace as fully and powerfully as I’m able – to harness all my abilities in the service of good feelings for ALL.

Bottom line…the difficulty for so many of us is – Is it okay to feel good when others are suffering?

And my answer – that is the ONLY choice. The only way you and I can have any effect on the world, can help raise it out of misery, is to engage in creating peace. And everything we’ve ever heard on that one is true – it begins with us. It begins inside you.

Peace happens when the people who feel good and believe in feeling good and are not run by fear or pain and continue to promote feeling good (not by numbing pain) tip the scales in power over those who are driven by fear and greed. This happened in Liberia, where the women rose up, took possession of their country, and stopped war.

You cannot access your full power to affect change in yourself and the world until you claim your entitlement to feel good…no matter what. That’s where the power is. Even anger can feel good, too. Feeling feelings can feel good, just because you feel alive and feeling, and that feels good.

Everything is transformational. Things are always moving. Allow yourself to be moved. And just — and it seems so simple, but try it — make the intellectual decision that you HAVE many choices in any moment. Then choose the good-feeling choices.

Let me know how this works for you…Love, Rori


  1.  #1FEMENERGYLOVE on September 27, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    what lovely notes to recieve from the universe 🙂 i’m learning to sink into my feelings and just feel them like rori says.its really much easier to stay in the doldrums than DECIDING to feel something different.i’m practicing though.thanks rori!Ciao

  2.  #2Angeline on September 27, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    Wow, this post makes me feel so inspired and joyful!

  3.  #3FEMENERGYLOVE on September 27, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    this is is what i’m truly feeling.i dont want his half hearted sms’s,emails or phone calls.i can feel that his heart is not in it for real.i dont want any of that.i’ve sunk into that feeling.i feel i must tell him this right now.i feel hesitant.i do not want to make a premature unprepared speech.i want to prepare a statement about me.what i want.what i dont want.i dont want to feel whiney.dont want to feel ridiculous.wonder why expressing myself that way would feel ridiculous.because i’ve expressed myself that way and been told that i was being ridiculous.i feel like tip toeing around this issue.i feel afraid of ruffling your feathers.i del afraid of annoying you.i feel afraid of losing you forever,like i lost my father as a little girl.i feel so much panic everytime one of my relationships comes to this stage.i feel sorry for myself for feeling this way.i feel sad.i cry.i just dont want another man to leave me again.because that’s all they do is do i tell you all of this?

  4.  #4Teresa on September 27, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    I hope you women will read this and give me advice, because I need it.

    I have been having a difficult time because I LIVE with someone.

    We have lived together for a year, and been together for the same.

    I lost my job about 5 months into this, directly after I got rid of my apartment when he asked me to officially move in.

    Regardless of all I’ve done, he feels I have been “dependent” on him, although I haven’t. I finally found a steady job as a cocktail waitress 2-3 months ago but this week was laid off as well.

    My emotional needs/requests come across to him as “needy” even when I try to be clear that I am sharing my feelings and needs. Again, “dependent” on him. “too needy.”

    The thing is, I SEE exactly how we got to this point, —And I see through all the facades he is presenting, and know why he is feeling this way – in fact I think he knows to an extent why he feels this way— but he has lost interest and isn’t “feeling it” — therefore he doesn’t want to try much at all.

    He uses the idea of polyamory as a great coverup for fears he is experiencing, and sometimes kisses other women when we are at parties and such, it is a playful atmosphere. This is ok now but since I’ve shown discomfort with things, WHEN i show discomfort with things and expect him to take care of my feelings by doing or not doing something, it seems as though he just goes further. I’ve noticed when I don’t act as though it bothers me, it usually calms down or doesn’t happen at all.

    Although he’s made comments about looking forward to marriage, etc, implying he wants to marry me, and so on, he recently says it’s not for him, as he has cheated on many past partners- and he doesn’t want to make promises he can’t keep. He wants to have the CHOICE of being faithful with someone rather than the expectation. Which is valuable, but again, all this is just a big concoction of fears and “not feeling it” due to below:

    The big picture:
    I feel like I’ve smothered him, being kind of a homebody, we spend most of our time together, and although he encourages me to go out, he also kind of expects that I should be there and is disappointed when I’m not.

    I feel like he feels too much “neediness” from me. Emotionally and Financially. He wants us to contribute equally on financial levels for sure.

    I feel like perhaps he doesn’t feel appreciated…
    Even though I feel like I give quite a lot of affection and words of gratitude, I think things like taking him to dinner or small gifts work better. He initiates all texting and calling. I think I have leaned back too much in this area, rather than returning his favors in a way he can recognize.

    We have been doing WAY too much talking about things, and he is emotionally overloaded to the point of shutdown. He is now dating and having sex with someone, for the past couple weeks, and not that interested in paying attention to me or what I need.
    We have discussed my moving out, and I have even written him a note and left for a week. During which he began to call me every day and text me occasionally. I told him I wasn’t trying to be just friends with him, and to stop calling me, and he did. he texted me a couple times after.

    I finally came home and told him I was tired of being away from home, and wanted to be with him, whatever it takes, in some form of relationship, be it dating, ..etc. But not just friends.
    I want to be here, not to move out. But he tried to say if I was going to stay, then changes have to be made. He tried to move me out of our bedroom into the kids room! Because he wants to have his independence a bit, his own space where he can be alone, etc. We don’t have a room for that. The kids are sporadically here, so he tried to tell me to sleep there, or leave.
    Of course that night we slept in the same bed anyway.
    I could show him respect and take full advantage of the idea, but if he really needs that much space from me, …?

    But I want to know if I can re-inspire this without stepping backwards and moving out?
    He is also going to be seeing someone who comes to town in november, who he had quite a thing for, knowing her very little, but having quite an affair before she left the country for a couple of months and hasn’t been back for more than a year now– she is coming to visit- and seems much more worry-free – accepting of whatever and easier to be with, since she will indulge his safety of playing around with other people (since he is afraid) but yet because she is so free, he is more likely to want to be with her exclusively. between this other girl he’s dating and this girl that may come visit for a while, … he may not have much time to miss me, regardless of what I do.

    He is out of town until tomorrow, he hasn’t spoken to me since he left. He took a book on communication that we are reading together.

    He wants me IN his life, but I refuse (shouldn’t I?) to be in it unless we’re dating. I don’t want to get stuck in a friend zone.
    Although he insists we should work on our friendship, strengthening it…..

    I do not want this girl he is seeing in my life, but if I resist it, he pushes more, sees her more, etcetc. He didn’t come home twice the other week, and has been taking her out. We all had dinner together Friday night.. But I don’t want her in my life permanently. Perhaps I can be friends but not confide in her? …..
    I WANT this to get back to the point of being a monogomous marriage, or rather getting to the marriage part, like we were.
    Things were wonderful before, but it’s gotten to the point where he is giving me very little emotional connection, affection, time, calls, he’s dating someone, AND having sex.

    Is there a way to TURN THIS AROUND, RIGHT HERE, and REINSPIRE him? Without moving out?

    I think it can be done, but how in the world do I do it? He is here when I wake up, here part of every other day or afternoon as he does some of his work from home. I am here because I HAD a night/wknd job, and now have NONE. I have a massage room in the house out of which I can do some work if I could get it, and am also going to try to do some outcalls to hotels after I get my business cards in a week or two. …..
    What should I do in the meantime?
    What Should I do to Turn this Around?
    Rori? Ladies?

    I have never needed your advice more than now.

  5.  #5Teresa on September 27, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    PS, I understand that many women would have called it quits at this point, but please send only constructive comments. I believe that anything can be turned around if handled properly.


  6.  #6Teresa on September 27, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    Sorry for the 3rd post–
    One important thing I just remembered.
    In the midst of all this communication we’ve done throughout our relationship, we’ve had some difficulty where I say things, and he doesn’t get them, I repeat the story trying to make the point a new way, and he doesn’t get it entirely—

    to him, I am talking in circles, take forever to get to my point, and we don’t understand each other.

    he is extremely frustrated with feeling as though we can’t communicate.
    I think that THIS is a large part in our issues here,
    As I believe a man needs direct communication,
    and when he doesn’t get it,
    I think he feels alone.
    And he hates to feel alone.
    He needs that intellectual/emotional connection.

  7.  #7Teresa on September 27, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Did I mention that this is the same man who 3 weeks ago was saying that he feels we cohabitate perfectly, get along SO well when it is just us two, and that he thinks we can make it work forever? ……… Sorry for the extra comments, but really.

    that’s just proof that feelings can change in a moment, so all it takes is the right inspiration.

  8.  #8Simply Shannon on September 27, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    So weird how your posts seem to come at the right time for me and how certain words (like badges) have popped up in other places in my life and here it is in capital letters. No coincidences in life…
    Thank you Rori. Shannon

  9.  #9laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    Would someone remind me where I can find info on being a rockstar? Is it in one of Rori’s programs, blog post?

    I feel super inspired to reveal my rockstar self!

    Thanks all!

  10.  #10laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    also want to share how much fun I am having practicing feeling messages. I have lots of men in my life and I am practicing on all of them…ex’es, business partners, friends, potential lovers. I am having so much fun doing it and I am feeling much more confident that I will be able to communicate this way when I am with a man who makes my knees shake.

    I feel very inspired by Rori’s blog entry. Love it, love it, love it!

    I feel a little self absorbed sharing so much of my feelings. I love that I feel self absorbed. I feel appreciative to have a forum to express myself.

  11.  #11laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    I had an experience today that further reinforces Rori’s teachings. I feel excited to share it!

    I have this guy friend that I think has a crush on me. He hasn’t ever said so but I get the feeling he does and some of our other friends have mentioned it as well. I am not attracted to him AT ALL. Well, maybe a little teeny bit but when I feel attracted to him I also feel highly disturbed and repulsed.

    Anyway, I normally feel very irritated with him because he calls all the time and wants to hang out and I don’t have fun with him and I feel so annoyed that he is always pushing himself on me. I don’t feel connected with him and I most often feel bored with our interactions…bored and irritated.

    Well, he hasn’t called for a week an I am actually finding myself thinking of him, wondering how he is doing. This is the lesson…if him giving me space can actually change my feelings for him, make me open and curious, maybe this leaning back thing really does work.


    I feel super excited to GET this. Wow! I also feel concerned that I may still be looking at these tools as what works vs. What just brings me closer to myself. I am going to look at this aspect of wanting to “use” the tools deeper. But in the meantime I feel excited about seeing the leaning back effect in my own life. Wow!

  12.  #12alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    i feel awesome and cheered ready that laughing goddess!!!!!

  13.  #13alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    reading that

    is what i meant to say.

    what is my purpose in life? i wish to find my purpose. thank you for providing me with meaning and purpose in my life. I feel so much more alive when i have a purpose to obesses about and drive towards.

    thank you.

  14.  #14alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 12:06 am

    i feel scared. i feel ill. i feel overwhelmed. i feel alot of energy in my right side of my head. i feel paralyzed. i feel wiped out. i feel tears. i feel heavier breathing. i feel crinkly brow. i feel tears on my face. i feel better than i did a minute ago. i feel crying. why am i crying? i feel sobbing. i feel curious why my sweet self is sobbing?

    well that was interesting. what was that about? i don’t know.

    i feel compassion. i love myself. there is obviously stuff still trapped in my body and that is okay. it can come out whenever it wants and i love myself.

    i feel better. i feel like giving my body permission to just let that stuff out because otherwise it stays trapped and drains my energy. thank you. i love myself.

  15.  #15alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 12:34 am

    i feel this energy in my right side of my head. i feel knocked out. i feel drugged. i feel drugged. i feel paralyzed. i feel all this enrgy in my head. but my body is zapped. i feel numb meaning i feel nothing from my neck down. ooh i feel my left toe. that is a start.good. i feel a heavy loud exhale. i feel my left leg. good. left leg say hello to your right leg if you would please. i feel my pelvis. i feel my right toes. my right foot. m yright leg. yawning. loud exhales and yawning and my head.

    maybe it will be another gremlin exiting my body. SEE YOU LATER! I hope. that would be great. i love myself. omg ugh. i can feel my body but i am like stuck in a magnetic force field or something and can’t move. blah. yawn. where does the energy want to go? heck what energy? there is no energy.

    the enrgy in my right side of my head. where does it want to go? it want s to kick ass with knives and edward scissorhands. it wants to go through my hanfds. ok. it wants to strangle. good. who? any images? my father. my uncle. whoever is on top of me. i want to edward scissorhands my way out. i want out.

    i feel a deep breath. the energy in my head wants to go up. to the moon. forget this place. this moment blows. i feel quivering lip and blurry teary eyes.i feel crying. sobbing. heat. i feel heat in my face and tears.

    i feel better.

    abraham hicks never mentions this stuff. rori integrates. i feel both are worthy but you can’t negate what is happening in the body. i feel in tune with what rori says. to honor the feeling in the moment. and when the feeling is released and honored continue on to choosing the best feeling place i can.

  16.  #16Aggy on September 28, 2009 at 1:34 am

    Rori you rock! thank you a million times
    As I was reading this when I reached the point where it says ‘ how it FEELS when you THINK’ I immediately thought of sharing this peace of info with my boyfriend, so I called his office……. and He is in a meeting… and I felt sad I did not have a word with him
    I left a message and I feel anxoius waiting for his call I do not want to feel this, I just want to lean back and relax. I’ll reach there with time am positive about this
    baby steps.. baby steps Aggy… that’ waht I keep on telling myself

  17.  #17Aggy on September 28, 2009 at 1:43 am

    while it is very true we can choose our thoughts its kind of tricky not thinking the negatives, but with a lot of practise yes we can make it, its realy a good thing to only think of things that make us feel good, grateful, happy, love, peaceful, happy…… it changes our vibe and people around us will notice this, its like the current aroung us changes to that of sweetness always

    This is powerful Rori! thanks

  18.  #18Maria on September 28, 2009 at 1:44 am

    l think its very good post. as l said lve been feeling good for couple of days now, no reason.

  19.  #19Tracy on September 28, 2009 at 5:37 am

    I have been reading on the net about mental science and how Feelings provide a means in which our subconscious is able to speak to us…It totally resonates with Rori’s teachings and i feel glad that now i am able to better understand how important going deep into my feelings really means…
    I felt a light bulb moment when i finally understood my worth and how much love there already exist inside of me…I am still feeling overwhelmed by all the emotions that came up….and i am able to follow my feelings from one point to another good or bad….
    It feels like a liberation for me and i feel that finally I’ve began my road to recovery…i feel great!

  20.  #20Mercedes on September 28, 2009 at 6:56 am

    “Then I’ll remind you that the whole sowing-seeds-cause-and-effect concept was just a myth, because you were born deserving.”

    I believe this to be true when it comes to the lesson Rori is teaching us here (about how we can all feel good regardless of others who aren’t), but when it comes to how we treat others vs how we are treated, I’m a pretty firm believer in the whole “sowing-seeds-cause-and-effect concept”.

    Much Love,

  21.  #21Erika on September 28, 2009 at 7:46 am


    Thank you for this post. Tears come to my eyes, and I realize it’s a feeling of being heard.

    Daria and I talked a lot this weekend about your blog, and we were both feeling triggered a lot but I valued it so much anyway because I was happy to hear and see if I could emphathize with her perspective even though it’s different than mine.

    One thing I’d been feeling very unheard about is the importance of our thoughts, because of the direct relationship between our thoughts and feelings. Usually if I have an icky feeling, it’s because an icky thought came into my head. I find it so powerful to become aware of those icky thoughts so I can transform them, and I was feeling like there was no room here to talk about thoughts.

    So thank you for giving some space to talking about thoughts 🙂

    I feel sad sometimes when I hear or see what I perceive as “enemy images” of men. They are said in feeling messages but behind the feelings are a lot of not-so-generous thoughts about men. I believe the work we’re all doing is much more powerful if we are willing to notice the thoughts we are holding about men, as well as the feelings that are triggered.

    I love men, and when I go to a conference like I did this weekend, and see how much time and energy and money many of them are putting in to becoming more skillful with women, I feel touched and want to honor them.

    And I know that when I started loving men, really loving them and appreciating everything about them, they started loving me right back.

    Thanks again,

  22.  #22Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 10:53 am

    ERika – take a look at the whole Power & Self-Esteem section here…and my Tool RIFFING….you’ll see what we do here with thoughts….Love, Rori

  23.  #23Tina on September 28, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    If they hide their power, feign their innocence, and generally fret that their confidence will rub some folks the wrong way, it’s no wonder misguided young souls will try to walk all over them. Huh, tina?

    Be proud of your magnificence.

    Loving you till the cows come home –
    The Universe

    This is my note from the universe, I love the part where the Universe tells me “loving you till the cows come home” lol

  24.  #24alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    i didn’t understand at the bottom though something about loving the cows first or something. i forget but i remember being confused.

  25.  #25Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Teresa, Welcome, and I’ll anser all your comments here. I know you want only constructive comments, so you might not want to read this…it’s tough.

    1. You’re scaring him by not having a job. Period. That’s a big clue for you. Most men are like this now, unless they’re wealthy, and ESPECIALLY then do they want you to have a FULL life outside of them. The days of “housewife” are LONG OVER. It’s not attractive anymore. Men want a feisty, independent, active woman with a real life, not a “wifey.” It triggers them too much. If you focus on ANYTHING BUT getting a job…you’re going in the wrong direction. Focusing on him or the relationship is the WRONG direction. If you were a truly feisty, cool, independent woman who didn’t take garbage from a man, he might be so over-the-top attracted to you that the job thing would be down the list for him…but now…it just adds to your emotional need for him in your life. So — GETTING to that place in yourself is your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. The Tools to do it are here, in my newsletters, ebook and programs…step-by-step. The women here will help you use them — but you have to know what they are and how they work within the entire system.

    2.You officially have an open relationship, if he’s seeing another woman. So why aren’t YOU DATING? Circular Dating is the best Tool you have for getting your self-esteem back and leaning back authentically.

    3. You cannot “talk” anything into being better. You can only ATTRACT him more. This is a combo of Strong Surrender – Strong on the inside, soft on the outside…Boundaries and Open-Heart. In order to do this…you work at it…slowly raising your self-esteem until you simply arrive at this new “normal” and things shift in the relationship. Even though it’s a PROCESS…it can happen very FAST…if you do the steps in order and consistently.

    Love, Rori

  26.  #26Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Great insight, laughing goddess…Rori

  27.  #27alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 1:54 pm



    i feel enthusiastic!

    I feel excited!


    Theresa. if i were you i would start using rori’s tools pronto! feeling messages, focussing on yourself, LOVING YOURSELF,

    when i read your story i feel smothering and neediness and laser focussing to make up for a feeling of lack and feelings of fear.

    i would stop making the man my answer and really start looking to myself and my connection to god/love/source/universe (whatever you want to call it) as my answer.

    other people are NEVER my answer to feeling good or empowered or safe or loved or happy or secure or sexy or elated or anything.

    nor are other people the CAUSE of my bad feelings.

    in my opinion.

    i do not want to scare you away, theresa. I feel supportive. I once felt confused and outer focussed and blech.

    this situation (ANY SITUATION) can be turned around to a goddessey, self loving place of existence.

    in my belief system.

  28.  #28Lisa on September 28, 2009 at 3:07 pm


    I’m kind of where Theresa is, though I see the great value in Rori’s words. Fogelberg’s song, “Part of the Plan” says what I feel, well:

    I have these moments
    All steady and strong
    I’m feeling so holy and humble
    The next thing I know
    I’m all worried and weak
    And I feel myself
    Starting to crumble

    So some mornings i am strong and clear, and others, b/c I am still focusing on him, are very muddy. Rori’s words resonate with a recent insight: Why should I (anyone) settle for less than the best of which they are capable? The best love, the best work, the best area in which to live? So those good thoughts should be our North Star.

    I, too, believe in a “weight of misery” theory of the world. If we can do our part, we help tip the balance in an otherwise miserable planet. Sadly, many of us have been conditioned to maneuver within a condition of lack. But perhaps it our birthright to be happy 🙂

    That is the guiding thought I will hold before me. I have so many choices ahead of me. Misery should not be one of them.

  29.  #29Teresa on September 28, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Bless you guys for your response, I need supportive women in my life– WISE supportive women, that is.

    Rori: Yes, I DO want to hear you. And I am listening.
    I felt your comments *were* constructive.

    I would love if you ladies would help me find the right tools.
    I have your ebook and reconnect your rlsp program.
    There is so much information I’m having trouble targeting what to do—

    my goals have been
    change everything (having trouble without $ tho)
    get better work (have business cards coming in a week so I can do massage outcalls to some hotels)
    20:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones (christian carter)
    ….. and lean back, as much as possible… having trouble on this b/c i am afraid he would fill his time with who IS there … AND because I’ve been worried that I’ve left him feeling somehow that he is not appreciated….. and to a man appreciation is important.
    When I lean back it is easiest to completely emotionally disconnect, but that doesn’t work, obviously.
    Need to figure out how to be nice AND lean back.

    2. – open relationship. right. he’s seeing some girl. if he wants to date other people, fine, but I really want to spend time with him and am worried if I don’t accept this he will not want to be with me.
    So far anytime he does things like this that I’ve expressed “neediness” by my discomfort and demands, he’s pushed it further. the more i accept it the happier he is with me.
    I don’t want to see her, hang out with her, have her hanging out with my friends, have her as “family”. I don’t.
    I want to keep the family I HAVE.

    I don’t want him to be away overnight because he’s sleeping with someone else.
    I also don’t want to sleep with them myself or have them in my bed or in my home, either.

    How do I respond to this?

    To me this looks like “triangulating”: having problems that you feel you can’t fix and focusing your attention elsewhere.
    But I can’t say this to him, can I? It would just be more “talking”.
    All I feel I can do is lean back, but I am afraid to deny hanging out with her or making a “polyamorous” relationship–
    Simply put, I just want to be careful how i handle this. Insight?

    This weekend he took her without telling me to a club reunion in Dallas- that I was supposed to go to if he decided to go. Talk about public humiliation. I don’t have to look at it that way, but the truth, that is what it is! it’s not a beautiful pure picture of love like he wants to paint it, it’s problems at home and so he’s spending his time elsewhere.

    I haven’t said a word about it yet. (should I?)
    he’s actually interacting some with me today.
    Then today after a bikeride with a friend (whom he’s trying to get me to like I think), he “suggested” we go home and watch a movie “splendor” about “a succesful polyamorous rlsp” – no great insight in this movie, don’t waste your time.

    But i didn’t say anything, I just watched it and had a good time.
    he let me cuddle with him a bit. he’s moving forward a tiny bit.

    but plenty of comments. with our dinner guest here he made a comment about what if he got both me and this other girl pregnant at the same time!…..

    AND, I AM dating, yes I am. I just have a shortage of prospects that I deem anything near my taste. I may have to take the rules route of duty dating. :sigh:
    Should I just be soooo busy that he has to ask for my time, and so busy that I don’t have TIME to engage in this extra relationship, rather than verbally refusing it?

    And yeah, I’ve learned talking doesn’t do ANYthing except make things worse.

    You mentioned Strong Surrender, Boundaries, and Open Heart.
    I will look these up, if anyone knows where on Reconnect/blog/ebook I can find these things, let me know. I need a refresher, I’m feeling confused right now, I need this situation to seem more simple in my mind.

    Thank you SO much for the responses so far, loves,
    all my gratitude,

    will check back later when i can have some private time at the computer.

  30.  #30Teresa on September 28, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    in one way, i worry that living together, i am “hanging around in the wings” and i worry that he’s got me there while he’s figuring out if it works with someone else.

    I think it’s fixable, IF it gets fixed fast enough-
    but what could cause him to only want to spend his time with ME?

    But i am also worried he’s already comfortable enough that he’s not too worried if I leave, either.

    I almost feel like the only way to have his attention is to accept this and be part of it.

    I KNOW there is a way to ReDirect here, ….. there is, I just have to figure it out. And fast.

  31.  #31Erika on September 28, 2009 at 5:40 pm


    I browsed through a bunch of entries in power and self-esteem but I still feel confused about the Rori Tools for thoughts.

    This is what works for me.

    1. Always always always be focused on feelings first.

    2. When negative feeling arises, notice it.

    3. Ask myself (or person I’m working with), I feel this anxiety right now, what is the thought that goes with it?

    4. The thought is usually either a judgment of myself or someone else, or an inner conflict.

    5. Question the thought — how do I know that my assumptions here are true? I don’t. Surrender into the “not knowing.” Feel open space for new things to happen (miracles).

    6. Clear the thought or inner conflict with tapping.

    Afterwards, I feel relaxed and no longer urgent.

    Rinse and repeat. Feel better and better. Feel more and more feminine. Feel more and more free.

    More and more like a rock star goddess who can do anything she wants.

  32.  #32Teresa on September 28, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    do you girls think that I should be having sex with him if he’s having sex with this other person? since we live together?

    I have been only because I don’t want to put us in a friend zone, in a habit of not being physical.

    he doesn’t seem all that interested in sex the last couple of weeks although he has mentioned how amazing it is when we have even though he didn’t initiate.

  33.  #33tinque on September 28, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    “do you girls think that I should be having sex with him if he’s having sex with this other person?”

    NO! NO!! NO!!! Nor do I think you should be tolerating any of this despicable behavior.

  34.  #34Erika on September 28, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Teresa, how does it feel to you when he has sex with the other person? I’ve had times where that sort of thing feels awful, and other times where it turns me on and doesn’t upset me at all.

  35.  #35Simply Shannon on September 28, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Vent on…

    I’ve been feeling a lot of rage recently. I feel tired of having to justfiy in my own head/heart/whatever this need I have to be touched, to feel wanted and desired, to have affection. I’ve felt very pissed off because I’d begun to feel like this is/was insecurity on my part.

    I’ve decided it is NOT insecurity to want affection or to feel inside my own heart that a man desires me. It turns me on to feel that vibe from a man. It just does, and I am DONE apologizing for it. Why the hell would I be in a relationship with someone who gives off the friend vibe? Or who gives me signals that he doesn’t want to touch me? If I feel unsure about his desire for me, then I feel unsure about it. And guess what, I feel turned off when I don’t feel desired! Maybe it becomes insecurity when we expect affection/touching to be given to us from a specific man. I don’t need it from any ONE particular man. I want it for myself because it feels F-ing amazing.

    I don’t want to settle for less than I want. If Mr. XYZ thinks it’s too much or sees it as insecurity, please oh please do not let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. There is someone out there who is right for me, someone will fit me perfectly. I do not want to feel insecure about how I feel on this matter! I’m done with it. I am not a perfect person. I do feel insecure sometimes. I do feel needy sometimes. I could do everything by myself, for myself, but I don’t want to do this life alone. I don’t have this gaping hole in my heart waiting to be filled by some man. I just happen to feel amazing when a man is touching me, when I know in my heart that we’re on the same page and that we want each other equally. It turns me on. I will not apologize for it.

    Okay, vent off…

  36.  #36Erika on September 28, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    On a personal note, I had a funny role reversal this past weekend. Several of my guys got jealous that I was going to the convention. I was receiving a deluge of text messages from them “checking up on me.”

    I felt a mixture of annoyance and feeling flattered. I noticed not wanting to be responsible for men’s happiness, but enjoying that they cared enough to worry that I might be with other men.

    It did give me a sense of how it might come off to a guy though when a woman is jealous. A sense of weird responsibility (guilt feeling), being “controlled,” feeling limited, and then a part of me that rebelled against that and said “F off, I’ll do whatever I please, thank you very much. I haven’t made any promises to anyone.” I feel a new empathy for guys in situations where I’ve been jealous about what they do. It may help me let go of jealousy. We’ll see.

  37.  #37Erika on September 28, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    I noticed feeling less attracted to them due to the jealousy. I wonder if men feel that way about us. I think many of them do.

  38.  #38alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAAHA im in the gorcery store and the song being played is



  39.  #39Daria on September 28, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    I freakin love myself. I really like melting when men are massaging me. They get all like… oh my God i like you, this is amazing, omGod. Lol. I feel amused and sensual.

    I went out to dinner with a man who really wanted to help me with my business and has the experience and resources to do so. He was also so fun to talk to and I felt good. This man is way older than me and I don’t feel physically attracted to him, but I noticed myself feeling attracted to his masculinity.

    At the end I felt a little awkward because it seemed he changed the mood into maybe wanting to kiss me, and I felt awkward. It was ok though. Working on feeling more comfortable and more and more honest.

    Interested in being even MORE honest. Would it feel good to say… I don’t feel sexually attracted to you, but I do feel emotionally attracted?

    Or… I feel uncomfortable romantically dating a man that is a lot older than me?

    I felt interested that I was actually considering that I might actually start feeling sexually attracted to this man because I felt so safe with him and he had such a good vibe…

    but then after the awkward ending I still feel awkward now.

  40.  #40Daria on September 28, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    Oh. Massage was with a different man… who btw might have been way older too (I don’t know but apparently he has a son about my age) but who acted and looked waaaay younger. My friend used to date him and they are now good friends.

    He had great sexual energy, but the emotional energy felt really scattered and all over the place. I felt great that I was being my Goddess self and it seems to have helped him (he was all over the place about a fight with his “girlfriend”) also I felt flattered and Goddess like.

  41.  #41Simply Shannon on September 28, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Erika: I’ve had a similar experience this week. A new guy has been texting me and calling me. I haven’t been able to talk to him on the phone because I’ve been busy with other things. I felt annoyed by the tone of some of the messages I was getting. Basically I told him I didn’t want to feel bad for being busy.

    It feels hypocritical of me to feel that way given all my talk about wanting a man to pursue me. But oh well. I can see now how it could be annoying to a man to receive texts or otherwise be chased by a woman. It does feel flattering to get the attention but somewhat annoying after awhile. I was very close to ignoring him completely over it. I didn’t do that because I felt impressed that he continued to pursue me even when I wasn’t giving clear signals. I admired that part more than I disliked the other. Lessons learned.

  42.  #42Daria on September 28, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Laughing Goddess – i feel Really good reading your comments here. Your energy feels so good to me. I feel a strong commitment to loving yourself and feeling good. I really REALLY resonate to your posts. I almost feel like you’re a part of me that I found expressing herself online. I feel weird saying that, and kind of worried. I don’t want to like project on you. I just feel so in agreement with you and so comfortable with your energy.

  43.  #43Lisa on September 28, 2009 at 7:30 pm


    If you want polyandry, you’ve got it. if not, you don’t have the right man.

    When I finally recently confronted “my” man on his infidelities, he ‘fessed up. When I asked what he would do if he were in my position, he said, “I’d leave.” Because he knew I wanted more, and he was unprepared to give it. And because he is cowardly, and wished me to make the move.

    So… they’ll let you hang around, and take the sex, as long as you keep your trap shut (as you’ve noticed.) Men have been trained to never refuse sex (it is like a Bergen Scharffen chocolate, for us!)

    But if you’ll keep quiet like a good girl, initiate sex (even though you feel he’s not interested) and perform other goodies in the hopes of winning him, it’s a losing battle. He resents the manipulation for what it is. He has already pictured you gone, and has your replacement lined up. When we stay, we degrade ourselves.

    How I am regaining my self-esteem is by stating my exit policy. What I need from him in order to effect this with a level of ease. He is happy, now, to help. Though we were not married, we were together 7 years, so this feels like an easy divorce to him (who has been divorced twice.) He enjoys the amicability of it.

    Men are fairly easy to read. Some have the wall Rori speaks of — they can go no further. Usually, they will tell you this, via actions if not words. If he’s not calling, not looking out for your needs, not wanting your company, you have some signs.

    Like Rori says, the only solution is to do for ourselves. To become someone desirable, rather than needy. It is a very old game: men like the chase. If we are to be vulnerable, we must do it in the ways Rori lays out.

  44.  #44gina on September 28, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    I been thinking about this thought before feeling business, and i realize that I experience feelings as the basis for thought. cause even if I’m having an “anti-man” thought (which I do sometimes) and it creates resentment, etc, the root of the problem is that I originally felt scared or threatened because I believe that the man isn’t caring for me, which probably actually means I wasn’t caring for myself, which is probably related to some deep trauma of not feeling completely accepted and loved by my mom as a kid.

  45.  #45Ann on September 28, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    I’m having trouble fully comprehending this post. i couldn’t get online yesterday then today I received some disturbing news.

    My dad is in the hospital. They can’t give him any kind of calcuim to help the osteropolsis(sp) because his kidneys have failed(Been in kidney failure for awhile) and he has to take dialodsis(sp) so basically his body is swivaling up and bones can break at anytime. And blot clots are just dangerous period. And he’s a heart transplant patient on top of all this. All they can do is give him pain meds and heperin for the clots.

    I feel sad and worried. I don’t want to talk about the things my dad has done or the suffering he’s caused. i feel sad at the pain he’s in and the suffering he’s having now. So it’s hard for me to feel good right now.

  46.  #46alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    i feel pretty terrific after reading what you wrote lisa. thank you.

  47.  #47Lisa on September 28, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Thanks, Alias Girl.

    (That should have been, “Polyamory”. Mea culpa.

  48.  #48alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    so i haven’t returned fancy sports car man’s call. he called last thur. the day after i met him. and each day i consider, hmm maybe i will call him back. and i do not feel inspired.

    i would be interested in him as a business partner. no that is not accurate. i would not want to be in partnership. i feel good i made the connection ani might be interested in hiring him as a consultant somewhere down the road depending on where my life takes me.

    i felt workaholic vibe from him. also he said,’i know you probably don’t have a business card so i won’t ask you for one of those?’ whatever dude. i do have a business card but don’t particularly feel inspired to give it.

    i just got this feeling that doesn’t feel good on a romantice level. i felt excited to talk about what HE does for a living because i am very interested. (it has ot do with the brain)

    and he seemed somewhat interested in my interests but i felt he was coming at me from this position of

    it doesn’t matter really i just felt turned off.

    do i continue to date this man? i do not feel romantically or physcially attracted. i feel attracted to what i could “get” from him (dinners, interesting conversations about HIS Work)

    i feel turned off. what do you think?

  49.  #49alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    ann i did not see your post. sometimes if i do not refresh the page they do not show up.

    i feel supportive of you during this time. i am sure it is bound to bring up a lot of feelings. i feel supportive.

  50.  #50laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    Hey Alias Girl:

    I feel happy reading your comments.

    I feel inspired to share my thoughts about you and mr racecar. My suggestion is to go out with him once just to confirm your feelings about him. I feel hopeful that it would help you get very clear on if you want to spend your wonderful, valuable time with him…or, for that matter, time wondering about him.

    What do you think? Errrrrr how do you feel about that?

  51.  #51gina on September 28, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Ann I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. You and your family are in my prayers.

  52.  #52alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    oooh laughing goddess i feel very excited to hear about mr race car. please tell.

    well i was thinking maybe i will just see what happens. if he calls again and asks me out maybe i will go. maybe i will call him but that doesn’t seem very likely. it could happen though.

    i feel appreciative of your kind words. i feel good to read your comments too. 🙂

  53.  #53gina on September 28, 2009 at 10:03 pm

    AG, it seems like you are barely interested and that you are only considering it cause nothing else has piqued your interest. I think your big brain and heart deserve interesting inspiring delectable treats.

  54.  #54laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    I feel excited that instead of obsessing over J, I can come here and express my feelings about all sorts of things. That feels good. It also feels good to know that I am learning some very constructive tools and life skills. I feel brilliant. I no longer feel desparate. I don’t feel lonely. I dont feel dosapppinted every time i look at my phone or email to see if he called/wrote I feel excited to practice being in my heart with every one I meet.

    I felt surprised today by some of my feelings that came up today with J. I felt much more neutral around him. I did feel triggered when he mentioned his girlfriend. I feel excited for that to pass. I felt a little bored at times. I also felt happy a lot of the time. It felt good to work with him. I appreciate the fun and ease that we have working together. I feel curious as to why we usually end up working when we are together? I feel like we get nesty when we are together and we garden, do stuff around the house, creative things. I wonder if it is because we both feel passionate and inspired when we are around each other or if it is a way to avoid emotions. I feel insure as to which it is? Probably a combination of both.

  55.  #55laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    I feel sad when I think the thought “I wish we did more ” fun”things together like he and his girlfriend do”

  56.  #56alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    oh i misread lauging goddess’s post. i thought YOU had a mr racecar story to tell. dang. i see what you were saying now. i feel good you no longer feel desparate laughing goddess. i used to feel really desparate and i no longer feel that way either. yae!

    gina i feel such a sweet sense of acceptance and support from reading what you wrote.

    rori says to circular date. it’s not about liking them it’s about free therapy. funny though, the more i consider dating him the more i do not feel good about it. even though he was a really good guy and i enjoyed talking to him. it’s the idea of me being romantic with him that feels bad. off. not right. not attractive to me. and he was a decent looking guy.

    gina i feel resonance when you share about how you always just imagined being with that one relationship. me too to some extent. i don’t totally feel that same way anymore.

    i had this one ex that i loved loved loved. god i would have spent the rest of my life with him. i ADORED him. and well it just didn’t work out. and i thought well that was it. truly. i will never feel like that about another man. and though that part is true as of now (six or something years later)

    i have loved other men and had wonderful experiences and my life now is a thousand times better than it ever was.

    so waht is my point. well. i just never know. if i stay open though usually really good stuff can show up and i can PRactice Receivng more and more and more good stuff from all the places and people it shows up.

    theresa. i know for me i could think and think and think and think some more. i could talk until i was blue in the face about what i Thought i should or shouldn’t do. but it wasn’t until i got in touch with my Feelings that i really felt intuitively what was best for me.

    like rori suggested i practiced feeling messages with everyone adn anyone and on this blog. i feel this. i feel that. i feel i feel i feel.

    and i truly believe that is more than half of the magic bullet.

  57.  #57laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    Okay, I am going to quit calling her his girlfriend. He doesn’t call her his girlfriend. If fact, he gets disturbed when other people call her his girlfriend. I feel annoyed that I am even thinking about them. But I also feel hopeful that getting clarity on this will be helpful to me. I feel curious if the reason I want to understand their relationship is because I want to know if he is available or not. Right now I feel like I don’t want to be interested at all if he isn’t. I also feel curious if it feels right to consider him someone I am seeing. It feels that way. We have been romantic in the past but since then he has told me that he only considers me a friend?

    Hmmmmm, I feel interested by this.

  58.  #58laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 10:35 pm


    I feel good reading your post. I feel great to be recognized and resonating with other goddesses. I feel appreciative that you shared your feelings. It feels good to read your posts and see how warm and feminine a woman can be who uses these tools.

  59.  #59Erika on September 28, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    hey Simply Shannon,

    Thanks for sharing with me about your experience with the guy – yeah, the tone of these messages felt annoying to me also. I like when the roles get reversed like this though, so I can feel what it’s like to be on the receiving end.

    The tone felt a bit possessive and controlling to me, in situations where I haven’t made any promises of exclusivity, in fact quite the opposite.

    I feel intrigued by your mixed feelings about it too. I feel intrigued by the balance between paying attention to someone (which feels good) and becoming an obligation for them (which feels bad).

    I especially didn’t like a text from a guy asking whether I did anything he would be “sad about.” I texted back:

    “I feel frustrated when it feels like expectations are being put on me. I don’t want to be responsible for your happiness.”

  60.  #60Erika on September 28, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Daria and Laughing Goddess,

    I laughed because when I read LG’s posts, I also felt resonances of Daria. I wondered whether Daria had invented a new alias for herself.

    Then when I saw Daria’s post, I was happy that she felt the same resonance.

    I feel welcoming of Laughing Goddess’s presence here.

  61.  #61laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    I feel more clear about how I will determine if a man is one of my circular datees. Although I feel unsure if it really matters, may all men are potentials, bit it feels good to me right now to get some clarity around this. So… I am going to consider someone a circular datee (feeling curious if there is a commonly used term for this) if he is a man that invites me to do things on a regular basis who I feel open to, attracts to. That feels good.

    In that case, J is a datee although the fact that we sometimes work together makes it a little more confusing but we do other things together as well.

    Whew! I feel exhausted and also happy to be more clear.

    I would love to hear feedback about this if anyone feels inspired

  62.  #62Erika on September 28, 2009 at 11:11 pm


    I like how you said “I feel unsure if it really matters.”

    I feel a lot of openness in those words. Thanks

  63.  #63Tracy on September 28, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Feeling compassion for what ur going through….I pray and wish for quick recovery!keep strong…

    Loving all the posts here….
    Laughing Goddess…..i feel progress in your circular dating and totally inspired….reminds me that there are so many options out there….keep going and feeling your way through everything….I feel that everything gets clear with time and as Rori says….the more i learn to trust my feelings and my self the more i am able to feel what direction is actually good for me…

  64.  #64laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    TW: thanks for reminding me to riff, etc. I feel appreciative of your help

  65.  #65Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 1:34 am

    erika: I haven’t had much experience with this (my partner having sex with other women).. he is a serious partner and this is the first time this has happened. I feel unsafe about it BECAUSE my emotional safety is not in place. I do not feel like my emotional boundaries are being respected, because they do not currently meet what he feels like doing, and he thinks it is “controlling” him.

    If I were completely included in all interactions as much as possible, (dates, communications, physical) from the beginning, growing my relationship with that person from the beginning and not going straight to sex until I felt that emotional connection with them, and feeling that if I am not ready, WE will wait, WE will move through this TOGETHER at the pace I am comfortable with— then I would feel safe. If I were given equal attention, time, consideration, respect, – everyone being required to respect each other this way, I would feel comfortable. This girl I can read- I don’t trust her any further than I can throw her. And he has been moving along DESPITE how I feel.

    Additionally, I have not been in the position of being physically present in a sexual situation, however I think I would feel……..ok…. if I felt safe, although I don’t think it’s ideal- as human beings we have limited resources and I think one relationship demands enough of those. Especially the way I want sex, affection and attention. 😉

    But in this situation, I do not feel ok with it at all.

  66.  #66Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 1:48 am

    Laughing Goddess: Leaning back ABSOLUTELY works.

    I notice that my partner initiated and pursued everything from the beginning, and constantly. Constant everyday phone calls, taking me out, everything. I just gave in too soon, allowing exclusivity too soon. I moved in and got comfortable and didn’t take enough space. And should have been dating. But yes the moment you lean back, it works. Keep practicing, Keep doing it!!

    AliasGirl: purpose in life…. I feel like my purpose in life is to love people, and to grow towards more and more pure love. to learn what love truly is. Having this outlook, no matter what job I do, it has meaning. To love others.

    Also: Not sure if you relate, if I am on to what you are saying, but I’ve been feeling too much energy, pressure inside my body- emotional pressure.
    I am always TOO tired for things, need MORE sleep, don’t sleep well, too aware at night. It occurred to me this weekend that perhaps I am angry. Repressed anger can cause depression or fatigue. I realized that I AM still angry about many things in my life, as much as Ive tried to forgive/release the pain when I think of these things. It occurs to me that I don’t know what a proper outlet is for anger. I stuff it down inside. maybe writing and writing and writing about it until I feel better would work. Maybe praying. Maybe remembering God’s care for me, that God is an endless source of abundance and that all my needs are cared for by God.. Depending on God seems to give me a sense of peace. … I listened to some loud angry music for a long time this weekend, I felt very angry about some things. This anger, a very powerful emotion, I used to put emotion behind things I am manifesting. This is not ideal because it is negative emotion. While feeling angry, I pictured in my mind, imagined, the things I would like to see happen, and how I would feel when they happened. The anger only puts energy behind the desire in order to create what you want. Excitement would be better than anger, but anger is powerful and it’s what I had. After doing this for several minutes my emotions turned from anger to happiness and I HAD ENERGY! I felt much stronger and energetic. I attempted to get back to that state of anger to use it for further creation, but I could not even get myself back to such a state of anger all night. I felt confident for whatever reason. I think it disapated the energy a bit- which can also happen from doing something physical, or maybe writing… in any case..just some thoughts.

  67.  #67Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 2:04 am

    laughing goddess: “I feel excited to practice being in my heart with every one I meet.” can you elaborate what you mean by this?

    about J’s dating stuff: I like how you noticed and described every one of your feelings about it. particularly “i feel annoyed that I am thinking about this” … not a thought that would occur to me even if i felt it. I think you’re doing well.
    I am extremely empathetic, and receive far too much information, and my mind races around so much that it takes a conscious slowing down to notice the workings of my mind/my feelings.

  68.  #68Daria on September 29, 2009 at 6:27 am

    Thank you Universe for the sexy man I met tonite. Yum yum yum. I feel teary eyed. I feel grateful and peaceful because of course I get everything I want, because I intended to. Even though it didn’t really look like that at first.

    But I am a Goddess. I do what I want and I don’t do more than I want and I feel respected and HONORED and good and soooo sexy and I feel absolutely DESERVING.

    This rocks.

  69.  #69Simply Shannon on September 29, 2009 at 6:52 am

    I feel better this morning. A little lighter and not quite so angry. I feel interested in the power behind anger. I know there’s pain there. Pain at the loss of things I hold dear… trust, love, honesty, passion. Like Teresa, my anger is powerful. It motivates me where pain tend to feel all consuming and “stopping”. Don’t know how to say that but basically I feel stuck when I feel hurt. I haven’t mastered riffing and moving out of that negative feeling into something good. Plus I “think” about it too much, and it just drives me further down the rabbit hole.

    I’m learning a lot about myself lately. In the past I chose men simply because they wanted me and then I tried to A) mold them into the man I wanted them to be or B) changed the version of my ideal man to suit whoever they were. I don’t want to do that anymore. It feels good to circular date and to go out with all sorts of different men. A part of me would love to take bits and pieces of all of them and make MY man. 🙂 But they are all delectable in their own way. And I need to remember that the same is true for me. I am perfect in my own way. I OWN all of the characteristics of ME. I will not apologize for who I am… flaws and all… or for what I want. It’s what makes me ME. In the past, I felt these flaws were weakness but they are not. They are a part of me, glorious goddess me.

    I can choose to walk away from something if I don’t like it. I can choose to do things differently and be surprised by the outcome. I can choose to stay stuck in a relationship hanging on to the crumbs of attraction that got me there in the first place. Or I can choose to release any particular man and be open to another who might be more suited to me.

    I am opening my hands (no longer balled fists) and putting them in the river of men flowing by me. I feel incredibly open right now. I can touch them, smell them, taste them, enjoy the beauty that is “man” in all their glorious ways. I can sit back in the boat with my hands in the water. It feels good here.

  70.  #70Simply Shannon on September 29, 2009 at 6:52 am

    Ann: I feel awful that I missed your post about your dad. I’m sorry he is suffering and that you are too. (((HUGS)))

  71.  #71tinque on September 29, 2009 at 7:51 am

    “I feel tired of having to justfiy in my own head/heart/whatever this need I have to be touched, to feel wanted and desired, to have affection.”

    Shannon – this is NORMAL. It’s the human condition to crave touch. I’m sure you have heard of the studies done on infants who thrive when held and touched a lot and shrivel when not.
    We are ALL needy and insecure sometimes. This too is normal. I understand how frustrating this can be, yet try to comfort yourself with the thought that all of you siren allies deal with this, even the coaches among us. And it passes like everything else.
    Anger is fear. There are only two emotions, love and fear. Anything that does not feel like love stem from fear. You know of what I speak, yet it’s okay. It’s great, for fear based emotions are helpers and messengers too.

    Ann – I feel sad with you. 🙁

  72.  #72Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Morning vent, and Three Questions.

    I feel like we’re all learning so much from each other. Rori thank you so much for creating this space where we can read your posts and interact!

    Yesterday he spent all day “with me” – we went on a long bike ride, which he invited a guy aquaintance along without asking me. (I wanted quality time tho I hadn’t communicated that.. by anything other than inviting him for a small walk, to which he suggested a bike ride…) I didn’t say anything.

    He invited the friend back and “suggested” we watch a movie about “a successful polyamorous relationship” which we never discussed afterwards, but it didn’t have any insight (“Splendor”). We had dinner with this friend, and watched a second movie.. I should have just done something else.

    The friend asked his plans for the evening. He said another friend of ours was having a bday thing that he *might* go to, and that he was getting ready to go see this other girl he’s been spending time with.

    The friend asked me MY plans, and I didn’t verbally answer at first, I made some gestures at him like I didn’t know, and what the hell was my man doing?.. then I said “I have to be somewhere at 9pm” (true. I got together with this other girl’s ex–something told us both to talk to each other, and we made plans last night to do so.) So my man got ready and went out to see this other girl. Hadn’t mentioned it all day but hadn’t made plans with me either.

    He also took her with him this wknd to a club reunion that I was supposed to go to until we had a rough week last week. I just felt it was better to get some space and assumed I was not going, since I felt like this and he hadn’t asked. He didn’t mention to me that he was taking her. When he came back he posted photos online. One of our friends asked me Why he took her, What is he DOING?

    So he went to see her last night. I get a hug and a kiss before he leaves. On the mouth. Not a real attempt, just a tiny kiss.
    Around midnight he texts “I will be home in the morning.”

    His gestures FELT to me like the motion of “caring” for my feelings, like pacifying me. He doesn’t want me entirely out of his life but doesn’t feeeel like dating or making this effort at something he doesn’t know how to fix right now, either, (except when he does…..!) >:z It felt like he was just trying to not make me too mad.

    This morning he comes home, I am sleeping, and he doesn’t come cuddle me, or hug me, or anything. He checks his computer, gets ready for a thing at one of his jobs and leaves. He’s been leaving recently for work without waking me to say bye in the morning. At this point I had moved from our bedroom to the kids room. (because he asked this last week- to have “his space”). I believe he saw I moved but he didn’t say anything to me before he left.

    I feel sad, angry, I want more attention, affection, love. I feel like he must not have wanted to spend time with me. That is a judgement, (but I believe it is how he *felt* at the time). All this emotional overwhelm he’s feeling, I think he feels like he doesn’t know how to “fix”the “problems”. But I still want to feel loved. He’s just not “feeling it” right now. Right that minute. I know feelings change from moment to moment with the right inspiration. But I want to turn this around in a big way.

    I am contemplating leaving my house and staying at a friends. I have no rent money right now, with my job situations up in the air.
    I usually make carefully weighed decisions.

    In my previous notes here I planned to stay, (even though he’s dating and sleeping with someone else and not at the moment paying any attention to me.) and let him do what he does, and re-inspire him by dating, leaning back.

    I am afraid though, that being here, he has the option to feel “i can do whatever I want, she’ll be there” –

    So, Opinions:
    1. It is difficult for me to act happy and light with him when I am NOT happy, but at the same time … When you are dating someone and living seperately, you still date them even if they are seeing other people.

    I just would feel more cared for bc he would be taking me on a date, *wanting* to spend time, and he wouldn’t be rubbing the other people he’s dating in my face, or ignoring my need for affection and attention because I wouldn’t be there 24 hours a day, he would only see it when he chose to spend time with me. He would feel like he had the *choice* rather than feel guilty because he knows I want it and he doesn’t feel like doing it right now.


    ********1*******So When I feel hurt because I’m not getting what I want, How do I act? When I’m trying to lean back and re-inspire?****
    I don’t want to be whiny and needy by saying (without him asking how I feel) “I felt SAD last night when you didn’t come home” -That doesn’t communicate that I am confident or can care for my own emotions. But am I supposed to pretend to be happy when he’s neglecting my feelings/putting his feelings first?

    Even though… I guess he’s not *required* to do what I want, but he knows I want it and if I feel hurt when he chooses otherwise, he feels demanded of, guilty. That can’t help…

    ********2*******If I date other men, (and stay gone all day everyday) would it reinspire him? Even if he’s dating/having sex with someone besides me?? Even if right now he’s not feeling the drive to care for me or work on it? ****

    Rori– you had a tough situation with your husband at one point. Was he feeling so fed up he didn’t want to work on it anymore at all? Did you date? Did this help?

    If this could truly turn things around, I would consider staying. (I feel like i’d have to be gone every moment of the day except when he made *plans* to see me, to let him feel the space, and that’s HARD for me- I like to be home, comfortable, where my things are.)

    If I determine that this could turn things around regardless of his feeling that I’m “just going to be there” and his seeing someone else,
    If I stay and do this,

    He will still want to see/have sex with other people, until he’s sooo sure that he really feels it with me again.

    *******3*******Is it possible to re-inspire his desire even while he is having sex with someone else? Would having sex with him help this or hurt this?

    I don’t want to live together in a habit of NOT having sex/interacting physically tho. Or drive him to spend more time getting it elsewhere.

  73.  #73ABC on September 29, 2009 at 8:37 am

    great post.

    i feel that a lot of times when we feel bad is not because we want to make ourselves miserable and sad but because of external reasons. In other words, it’s the people that I am surrounded with that have the influence on my mood. When I’m with someone who’s happy and content, who treats me with respect and courtesy, who feels satisfied and good with their own lives, it usually have a positive effect on me. I automatically want to be in their level of happiness.

    But when I’m around people have are negative, men that are immature, childish, selfish, and toxic, it just turns me off, and off i go numb. it feels like they are not happy, and that they want to jag me along. I am not going there with them.

    Until I finally realize which men are good to me and who will have a positive influence in my life, I stay close to them, make them part of my life, then I found myself, too, feel very good, satisfied, and content in my own life.

    it’s also funny how my friends and i used to complain there’re no good guys out there when we were so busy working on bad guys and trying to turn them to good guys–it’s like we were so good at picking bad guys we would find the one very bad guy out of ten good guys. that’s how addicted we were.

    Now i look around, there’re good guys everywhere–although some of them might be clueless–but hey! they just need some guidance. these are the men that I don’t feel INTENSIFIED to begin with yet grow a strong bond with after i get to know them.

    The ones who i feel intensified with and i mistakenly think “that’s love” didn’t have to to do anything to get my heart (except giving me more chemistry, intense feelings, or worse, pain) didn’t have to do anything to get me hooked, that’s how they have a control over me from the beginning—what was i thinking?!! I must be out of my mind.

    looking back, i still could not believe how much time i wasted on bad guys–just imagine if i used all those time and energy for studying or working, i would’ve been the President now.

  74.  #74Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 8:42 am


    Thanks for reminding me.

    Anger is fear.

    I have for a while lived by there are only two basic emotions, love and fear. I need more reminding recently.

    …..knowing that Anger is Fear is truly helpful in identifying the real issues.

  75.  #75Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Theresa: Lisa said this: “If you want polyamory, you’ve got it. if not, you don’t have the right man.”

    That says it all right there. People change only because they want to…they don’t change because of anything we say or anything we do. You seem to be searching for something you can do so he will change.

    I think this is an excellent idea: “I am contemplating leaving my house and staying at a friends.”

    “I am afraid though, that being here, he has the option to feel “i can do whatever I want, she’ll be there” – ”

    He already IS doing whatever he wants! It doesn’t matter if you stay or if you go. With you there, he just takes this woman to a different location. He’s still having sex with her…he’s still dating her…he’s still doing whatever he wants. And its getting pretty clear that what he wants is not the same thing as what YOU want. He’s sleeping with another woman…he’s being open about it…and he doesn’t care that its hurting you.

    Tinque said this: “NO! NO!! NO!!! Nor do I think you should be tolerating any of this despicable behavior.” And I agree with her 100%…no question.

    Much Love,

  76.  #76tinque on September 29, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Teresa – You need to get out, NOW. You need to put all of your focus on YOU, finding activities, people that fill YOU up, make YOU feel good. You cannot worry about him, what he will or won’t do. He will do what he does.
    I honestly don’t know why you would want someone like this in your life who treats you so badly, like a second class citizen, like someone to be used and discarded at will, yet I do understand.
    You taking care of YOU regardless of what he is or does will be the only way to attract his attention if it does at all.
    You cannot do this with an outcome in mind. You must do this for YOU.

  77.  #77Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 8:53 am

    Theresa: Sorry…I have more…

    “So When I feel hurt because I’m not getting what I want, How do I act? When I’m trying to lean back and re-inspire?****
    I don’t want to be whiny and needy by saying (without him asking how I feel) “I felt SAD last night when you didn’t come home”

    That isn’t whiny or needy at all. That is YOU being authentic and true to your feelings. You don’t want to “act” a certain way…I can tell that…so be true to YOU and worry less about what he thinks of it all.

    “********2*******If I date other men, (and stay gone all day everyday) would it reinspire him? Even if he’s dating/having sex with someone besides me?? Even if right now he’s not feeling the drive to care for me or work on it? ****”

    It doesn’t really matter if it inspires HIM or not…it will make you feel good about yourself and it will help your self-esteem beyond measure. If he doesn’t like the way you choose to work on your self-esteem, he can step up. If he doesn’t care…then why should you?

    “*******3*******Is it possible to re-inspire his desire even while he is having sex with someone else? Would having sex with him help this or hurt this?”

    It hurts it. It hurts it because he KNOWS he’s hurting you and yet you are still willing to pleasure him when she’s not around. He’ll never respect you and until he can respect you…he’ll never love you either.

    I feel so sad for you and your situation…but I want so much to see you change your boundaries into boundaries. Right now…they feel more like “guidelines”…I know…because that’s where mine used to be.

    I hope you find all of this to be the constructive comments you were looking for.

    Much Love,

  78.  #78laughing goddess on September 29, 2009 at 9:07 am


    I feel stimulated and excited reading your posts. I also feel the importance of noticing our thoughts. I feel a little fearful of expressing what I want to share because I am afraid people will think I am disagreeing or discounting Rori. I also feel silly thinking this because that isn’t what I am doing at all and I feel hopeful that my clear intentions will come through.

    The two main teachings I am studying right now are Rori’s work and Abraham-hicks and I feel elated by how beautifully they mesh. Last night I felt motivated to share an exercise I came up with for myself that combines elements from both. I feel interested in how EFT would strengthen this further. I will explain the exercise in just a sec.

  79.  #79laughing goddess on September 29, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Okay, here’s the excercise. I use feeling messages and riffing combined with an exercise called “moving up the emotional scale” from Abraham Hicks (who I will refer to as Abe from here on out).

    I’ll explain moving up the emotional scale for anyone who may be interested. Abe (and I believe Rori too) teaches that focusing on our feelings is of utmost importance because our feelings are indicators or whether or not whatever thought we are thinking that has caused the feeling is in alignment with our true selves or not.

    For example, I feel lousy when I think that I am unattractive. Obviously! Of course I feel lousy when I think that thought because my true self knows I am incredibly attractive and beautiful. But I feel great when I notice something about myself that I like…because my true self knows my value and loves me unconditionally. So, I can tell which thoughts are in alignment by whether or not they feel good.

    But here’s where the emotional scale comes in. Abe says that there is an emotional scale with love, empowerment, freedom at the top and unworthiness, disempowerment at the bottom. In the middle there is anger, jealousy, hopefulness, all sorts of things. That’s why people are saying they get energy from being angry…because anger is a step up from despair, unworthiness, disempowerment. But anger only feels good for so long and eventually we are going to want to move on up to boredom or maybe even hopefulness.

    I wanted to do an example of the exercise but I am typing on my iPhone and I feel irritated when I type too long on it. I may elaborate further when I get to my computer if I feel so inspired and if I feel like it will make a contribution to myself or someone else.

  80.  #80Simply Shannon on September 29, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Tinque: It is so ironic that you wrote this. I get a daily email from Joel Osteen, and his verse for the day is about Trust Over Fear. My anger IS fear of the unknown, fear that I won’t ever have what I truly want. I’m trusting God (the universe, whatever you call it) to provide me with what I want in whatever manner He sees fit. I do believe I can have it all. My heart still aches for what I have lost, but I’m really trying to move past that and look forward without fear.

    I did feel anger about a past comment you made to me about insecurity and needing to feel touched. And in working that trigger over in my head, I’ve just decided that it’s okay for me to feel insecure at times. I don’t have to let it control me though. I feel normal right now. Comfortable in my own skin. This is who I am. I still want what I want. I’m not changing that about myself. I don’t want to feel needy in a relationship, and I know I’ve been projecting that. I do that by holding on to a particular man and expecting HIM to do something that he may or may not want to do. My problem is in the “not letting go” of a man who is wrong for me. I can’t change the man in front of me. I can only change me. I can only be open to what he offers and not try to control the outcome. I’m getting it now. There’s strength in knowing that I can let go. It’s scary as hell and it hurts alot but I’m working through it.

    Thanks Tinque. I appreciate your comments.

  81.  #81laughing goddess on September 29, 2009 at 9:43 am


    I feel for you sister! I was in a similar situation a few years ago and for me, the very best thing was to get out and focus on myself. It felt so hard to do but once I did it was the very best thing. There are tons and tons of great men in the world and you are a rock star! I know it seems hard now but I can promise promise promise it only gets better, especially because you have these tools and support here on this forum. I didn’t when I left and I am sorry to say that I quickly got into a similar yucky situation but even that was better than staying in the original yicky situation I was in. Now, that first man that wanted to be polyamorous, blah blah blah, wants me back but I am way moved on from there I broke the spell and I can see him clearly now…great, beautiful man but not what I am looking for in a lover. I wish you well!

  82.  #82alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 11:01 am

    wowzie so much happening. i feel good to know the central market of siren island is ALIVE and fruitful. thank you for all the sharing.

  83.  #83tinque on September 29, 2009 at 11:29 am

    “I did feel anger about a past comment you made to me about insecurity and needing to feel touched.”

    Shannon – I feel badly if I hurt you. That was not my intention. I’m not sure what it was that was said, but from this little bit I can guess that maybe I was connecting the need for touch with insecurity and failed to elaborate.
    I want you to know that your need for touch is natural and normal. When K and I first came together as a couple I told him warned him in a joking sort of way yet at the same time quite seriously that I was coming into this relationship STARVED for affection and that it may never be enough.
    Fortunately for me he is ENORMOUSLY affectionate, yet even almost eight years later, it’s never enough, but at least I have had SO much affection and attention that when he is being more withdrawn, I don’t fall into a panic and/or deep insecurity.
    It took a long time to get to this place and even so, my first germ of thought and first twinge of feeling is of insecurity. The difference being is that it very quickly transforms.
    This is a long winded way to say that your need for touch and your insecurity (both of which everyone carries) whether they be connected or not, and this could vary given different situations is not a bad thing. It’s a normal even beautiful thing, for it has given you the sensitivity that you have, and that is precious.

  84.  #84Rori Raye on September 29, 2009 at 11:51 am

    Laughing goddess, I love Abe and Ask and it is Given…and just so you know how I worked this out with myself and for my own work…The scale bothered me. It bothered me because it’s not possible to not “judge” where you’re at. If you want to go “higher” on the scale, but are at “anger” or “frustration,” or “hopelessness” – then you’ll WANT to move UP — and that can really get in your way. That’s why I prefer the image of the “Soup” –Where it’s all in there together. Where if you can touch one emotion, really touch it, you can touch them all…and if you can’t touch one…you can’t really touch any of them. For me…the prime directive is to FEEL what you feel…and for me…just like how I believe that standard “affirmations” don’t work — if you see these things on a “scale” – it’s going to make you instinctively give where you ARE short shrift. I want you to give where you are your FULL ATTENTION. Sink into it. (Another reason I love the image of the Soup…you can sink into it.)

    The only scale I like – the one I made up – is the “happiness” level one I put in my Reconnect Your Relationship program…where you find your “normal” and then find yourself at a “new normal” without effort..without having worked to climb up at all. For me…that just increases your motivation to keep sinking…since you can’t “climb.” You just sort of “show up” at a higher happiness set-point – it’s not something you can ‘work” to achieve.

    That said — I want you to do whatever you find, anywhere, that works for YOU — and thank you for sharing your success with it with us.

    Okay…this is turning ito a post…..Love, Rori

  85.  #85Rori Raye on September 29, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Oh, laughing goddess – I LOVE being disagreed with!!! I’m feisty, and will let you know what I think…that’s my job here…so…please….I’m not a “guru” to be “followed” unquestioningly. If I work for you, then follow and try out my trains of thought…and let your own experience be your guide….Love, Rori

  86.  #86Rori Raye on September 29, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Teresa, I stand by my previous answer to you about self esteem, work and dating. I’m with Mercedes and Tinque. Love, Rori

  87.  #87Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Thank you Rori. Re-reading all of you guys posts again! I am feeling supported here, it feels good. Hugs!!!

  88.  #88Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    I guess I am just confused about whether to move out or not.

  89.  #89MJ on September 29, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Tinque broke through and said it all- Teresa, do not tolerate any of that despicable behaviour- the needle on your record player is stuck on him him him- it’s so stuck you can’t even see how badly he is treating you- being on your own with a life full of possibilities is much more fun that lying in a bed alone knowing that your partner is sleeping with someone else- take the needle off the record and listen to the beautiful silence for a minute! You will realize you have been neglecting yourself. Good luck and all love!

  90.  #90Teresa on September 29, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Tinque: just re-read your post. Why i would stand being treated like this.. well because we’ve been together a year, and it hasn’t been like this before. it seems as though he’s overwhelmed emotionally and doesnt know how to handle our “problems”: my job situation that he is afraid of, our communication, etc. So he is sort of checked out for the moment until he feels better, .. i don’t see it as a permanent thing, is why i’m here… but to allow it to change I may need to leave. … considering some options today.

  91.  #91alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    thank you mj. i feel relief and resonance with what you wrote.

  92.  #92laughing goddess on September 29, 2009 at 2:38 pm


    I felt good reading your post. The wise part of me feels absolutely certain that you are strong, open minded, always supportive of us and able to handle people expressing their personal opinions.

    The insecure part of me always feels worried about offending people. I suspect that is where my fear was coming from, not based on anything you have said or done. I love that part of me because I know that it is mainly coming from a place of wanting to be respectful of others. I feel sad that I seem to think being respectful of others somehow involves doubting myself. I feel appreciative of myself for digging deeper into this and understanding why I felt afraid to express myself. I feel hopeful that in the future I can feel trusting that my respect is apparent and feel less doubting of myself.

    I feel excited to look at what you said about your experience with Abe deeper. I feel distracted right now, like I can’t fully understand what you are saying, because I have a lot happening at this very moment. I feel relief to let it go for the moment, focus on my tasks at hand, and come back to it when I feel less distracted.

    Thank you! I feel really grateful to be here with all of you.

  93.  #93laughing goddess on September 29, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    It’s funny, I always suspected I had issues with self-esteem and confidence. I feel surprised by how obvious it is becoming to me as I use there feeling messages here.

    YAY! I feel insecure! I feel other than confident. I feel distrusting of myself! Yay! I love that I feel that way. I love that it is becoming apparent to me just how often this comes up. I love that by recognizing these insecure beliefs, I now feel open to the possibility of embracing new thoughts and feelings.

    I feel okay with myself. I feel trusting that I am pure, I am love, I am good. I feel trusting that this goodness radiates from my being. I feel unconcerned with what others think of me. I feel okay with myself. I know I am good, I am made of love.


  94.  #94tinque on September 29, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    Teresa – Thank you for explaining, but my answer still holds. You need to leave, focus on YOU, build a beautiful life for YOU, and if he decides he wants to come along for the ride, that is not up to you. That’s his choice, and there’s nothing you can do but be the best you for YOU.

  95.  #95Erika on September 29, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    LG, thanks for your comments about thoughts. I like Abraham Hicks too as a concept, but like Rori I found it frustrating in terms of application. Sounds like it’s working for you though. If I get present with whatever I’m actually feeling and apply EFT, I will bounce right up the feelings scale.

    So on this thread I hear words like “despicable” and “natural,” and I feel a bit frustrated because I wonder “who decides what those words mean?” To me, they are judgments. A man can be doing something that would feel perfectly fine to one woman and not to another, and it’s our job to stick up for ourselves and say what we want and don’t want. It doesn’t make it or him “despicable.” This is the kind of enemy image I’ve been talking about, and I realize my honesty about this may be triggering to some people. That’s not my intention. I’m just saying out loud what I’m noticing about the thoughts behind the feelings.

  96.  #96Ann on September 29, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Alias Girl, gina, Tracy, Simply Shannon, and Tinque thank you for your support and kind words. They found another blood clot. He’s in the hospital so they’ll take care of him.

    I believe fathers teach so man things, including in a big part how men are viewed. The father i knew as a child FAILED miserably in his job of being a father. I as a adult take responsibility of protecting and healing the child within. i as a adult feel sad for my father and the suffering he’s doing now.

  97.  #97Tina on September 29, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Alias girl
    lol cows are cool!

  98.  #98Angeline on September 29, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    I’ve been checking in with my feelings a LOT lately. And I feel a lot of BLAME. I BLAME my father and my ex for my unhappiness. I bet it’s effecting my vibe around men too… and probably explains why I always feel so disappointed in them. How oh how can I get this chip OFF my shoulder?

  99.  #99Simply Shannon on September 29, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Rori: I really appreciate your comments on the Abe scale. When I read LG’s comments, I thought… well, I’m at anger, I guess I need to move up. At present my anger is serving me well, and I’m quite content to use it for its purpose. Feeling like I had to move “up” felt like my anger was insignificant. And truthfully I’d be lost without it right now. Anger, fear, whatever, it’s useful to me where I am right now. Soup makes more sense to me and doesn’t make me feel like I’m “failing” because I’m at that emotion level. Thank you for sharing that.

    Erika: Your last comment resonates with me. While his actions aren’t anywhere what I’d call ideal in my book, they are his actions, and I have no business judging what he does or doesn’t do. He’s doing what he wants. Same as any other human being. I can only say how I feel about it and whether *I* choose to tolerate or not tolerate that in my life. I hear you. I would love to say that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior in my life but the simple fact is I have. I’m learning what my boundaries are because of the experiences I’ve had, not because I just wish them to be. Trial by fire so to speak. A boundary isn’t real until you’ve had it tested. Then and only then do you really know it’s a boundary.

    Ann: Sending you hugs during this difficult time. (((HUGS)))

  100.  #100tinque on September 29, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    “I as a adult take responsibility of protecting and healing the child within. i as a adult feel sad for my father and the suffering he’s doing now.”
    Ann – you have a beautiful BIG heart.

  101.  #101alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    ann i feel loving support. he may decide to go. he may decide to stay. i support you in whatever feelings come up for you. i feel supportive.

  102.  #102MJ on September 29, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Ann- my thoughts are with you and your father- I hear what you are saying about fathers not doing their job when you’re little, but you feel a responsibility anyway when they are older. You’re right, they do form our perspective on men.

    Erika- I’m not sure I understand your comments re. the use of the word despicable- yes, opinions are judgements- I suppose any action can be judged by everyone differently- but I believe the women here are all trying to support Teresa- and perhaps she needs permission and encouragement not to tolerate behaviour from her partner that is making her miserable- and from her own descriptions, that doesn’t seem open to interpretation. I believe we are telling her what we would do if found in that situation- and it might take strength. Just as you are trying to be careful about ‘judging’ any man for his actions, right or wrong- others like myself want to take care to assure Teresa that we find his actions unacceptable. Does that make sense?

  103.  #103Erika on September 29, 2009 at 11:01 pm


    What I hear behind the word “despicable” are feelings of outrage and fear and powerlessness. I hear other women wanting to support her by saying “it’s ok to stand up for yourself in this situation.”

    When I use a word like “despicable” though, or any judgment, I find that I have actually given my power away. I have, in one fell swoop, disconnected from my feelings of outrage and fear and powerlessness (where, ironically, I have some power) and have also disconnected from him. I can no longer see him as a human being fulfilling his needs the best way he knows how. And I can no longer feel my own feelings and power. I can no longer see options for finding something that works for both of us, because I have frozen the situation into a judgment.

    I have labeled him to disconnect from my own feelings of fear. To keep myself “safe” from feeling awful feelings. Except I’m not really safe. How can he ever really recover from “despicable” behavior? The more I call him despicable, the more likely he is to live up to that label.

    Whereas if I say, I feel outraged, I feel terrified that my world is not stable when you are having sex with another woman, I feel scared I’ll be replaced or neglected, I don’t want to be in this situation — and I don’t make it about him, I don’t create an “enemy image” of him — then I still have my power. Then the situation is still fluid, and miracles can happen.

  104.  #104nikita on September 30, 2009 at 1:34 am

    i feel a little sad reading about Teresa’s recent experiences. I would feel defeated just moving out spontaneously. I would feel curious about exploring a cuckold situation 🙂 maybe seeing me with other men could be a turn on. maybe i could expand and blossom by experiencing the openness of my home life. I could intend to be in a better feeling living situation but why be pushed out so soon, if i have my own room? I would feel tempted to make it my spiritual boudoir…..where i focus on sexy me and how can sexy me take the opportunity to work at any job just to inspire a schedule for my life/create some distance and authentic power. Save my pennies for when I FEEL like moving out. Meet people new people who don’t ask me about my sweethearts lovers……just fresh new energy where i can build a new reality for myself. So maybe my bf is on vacation from monogamy….I can draw boundaries by not pursuing or asking or controlling him..He’s going to respect my decision to get my needs met elsewhere and keep my home life..i appreciate his fairness and desire in seeing me make myself happy…….

    I’m just feeling weird about moving in hopes he’ll “chase me”. There are other ways…..I’d look into EFT just to drop that “needy charge” I’d feel from wanting affection from a particular man and the pessimistic feeling of not being as attracted to others.

    Don’t know if that helps but I resonate with being a homebody and having my stuff…..if you move without feeling ready you might resent it later, I’d look at my options to improve how i feel at home but I wouldn’t be rushing without the financial plan in place.
    Queen of the Castle you can be 🙂

  105.  #105Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 2:02 am

    Teresa, just caught this from one of your comments:

    but I really want to spend time with him and am worried if I don’t accept this he will not want to be with me.

    Perhaps this will help…this attitude is the single LEAST attractive attitude a woman can have. In other words, the more you think this, the less attractive you become. So if you’re worried about him leaving you because you’re not tolerating whatever…reverse that thought. Tolerating whatever is the single FASTEST way to end a relationship and send a man out the door. It makes you about as attractive as a dead fish, because you just aren’t a real, live, breathing human being when you think that thought.

    Tell me if I’m wrong, Teresa – but I think tough is the way to go here…it’s worked wonders for my now rock star client. The attitude of this thought is that of an addicted person. A junkie. You are a junkie for love. Let that settle for a bit. Love, Rori

  106.  #106Flipper on September 30, 2009 at 5:04 am

    Yesssss Queen of the Castle. This IS my home, I’m not a guest who can be uninvited at the drop of a hat by someone who accords himself all the rights and privileges for whatever legalistic or other reasons. Thanks, Nikita, for your feelings about this. Me ‘moving out’ may be a good, self-preserving decision, but it comes at such a cost and it’s often felt as the lesser of 2 evils, but still an evil. It makes me feel undeserving of the shelter I need, even though I have been the creator of the ‘home’ under this roof. I am entitled to it, and I want to feel that all the way down.

    Sometimes a necessary evil, but we can work on getting some changes made to perceptions, first of all our own. I LIVE here, by mutual agreement, and my living arrangements are not subject to arbitrary change, slow undermining, harassment or worse. And also promote some changes in the World, even just by having our own attitudes aligned with our deepest feelings: where I live, I’m seeing a shift in attitudes, and now simple logic has been acknowledged and led to changes in the law. Logically, should the sufferer of abuse pay and be deprived even further? No. The new law here, though still imperfectly applied, allows a battered partner and children to remain in the family home; it’s the abuser who must leave And continue to contribute whatever they were to its maintenance. For me anyway, when society finally gets it right after having condoned or facilitated unfair practices, since like forever, I feel a little stone falling away from the hand of my Nasty Voices who were trying invalidate what I know to be good and true. I feel some relief and a cloud lifting from my spirit.

    I’m staying here, and I’m doing what I WANT here, in MY home, until and IF I want to leave, on my terms. If someone else wants to opt out of our relationship or not do their part in it, that’s their right but doesn’t mean I have to compensate unilaterally for their choice and by jeopardizing my residential well-being.

  107.  #107Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 7:07 am

    Teresa and all…I don’t even see “despicable” behavior here (being very tough) on his part. I see a man getting everything he wants, cake and eating it too…pushing the envelope and getting it all…everything any man would want…and as long as WE let this happen…he has a perfect right to assume we’re OKAY with it! I mean, we can yell and scream and moan and complain about stuff – though it seems, Teresa, that you’re not even doing those things, you’re acting like a puppy trying to lick his hand and jump in his lap (sorry, but that must be what it feels like to him) – but as long as we’re still STANDING there, still having sex with him…what’s he to think you want but what you’re doing? He’s actually respecting you enough to let you take responsibility for yourself. You are showing zero respect for yourself — unless, as Erika asks…on some level you actually LIKE what’s going on. And if Erika can imagine that scenario – imagine what HE could be thinking (maybe he’s thinking this whole thing is turning you on… and, again, you could swear up and down how that’s not so…but the proof is in the pudding, and there you are…in his bed…)

    I’m just hoping, Teresa, we can turn the light on this for you, so you’ll wake up out of this addiction and see what you’re doing to yourself. Love, Rori

  108.  #108jennifer on September 30, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Hello Goddessess.
    I may be suffering it the worlds worst PMS. I feel like I hate everything.
    I hate my hair. I hate my sister’s wedding on Sat. I hate the weather and these shoes.
    A good friend says I’m on empty. I think she’s right. This wedding has been in the works for 2 years. I feel like I have run myself ragged trying to make my sister happy. I have spent $1200. I am not sleeping. I am constantly being given more stuff to manage by the family.
    I feel empty.
    I had a fight with B.
    He was upset becuase I needed money for heating oil out of the joint account.
    My friend (who’s a super goddess) reminded me that this is the way it’s been for years. He’s happy to share the money when I’m making more…but selfish when he goes into the military and he’s making more. He moved his finances to another bank; away from our joint account. He hasn’t asked me to marry him. I’ve been home alone waiting for a year with no commitment from him. No ring, no financial support, no co-habitation. He comes and goes as he pleases and I give all the support I can.
    I feel like a dried husk. I feel empty and ssssssssooooooooo tired.
    I feel afraid of the comments I’m going to recieve at my sister’s wedding. Shes younger and I was the recipient of a lot of comments from family when she got engaged before me. I feel terrified of this wedding.
    I feel I have no support. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel sad and small. I feel I will look rediculous. I have to wear a strapless chocolate brown ball gown despite the fact I begged for anything BUT strapless.
    I feel ugly and angry.
    I feel cheated and used.
    I have a pain in my head behind my eyes.
    I feel teary.
    My chest aches. My stomach feels sour. My throat is tight.
    I hate weddings.
    I need a nap.

  109.  #109jennifer on September 30, 2009 at 7:48 am

    I really need a nap

  110.  #110Erika on September 30, 2009 at 8:12 am

    “It makes you about as attractive as a dead fish, because you just aren’t a real, live, breathing human being when you think that thought.”

    Rori, I like this. I’ve noticed how much I enjoy it when other people express their true feelings instead of “going along with things” because I feel way more connected to them when they do that. And I feel honored in a way that they felt comfortable enough to say “I feel angry,” “I feel annoyed,” “this is what’s going on for ME right now as you are doing what you are doing.”

    Nikita, I feel a playfulness in your suggestions that feels delightful to me. In my experience, this playful attitude can’t be faked, but if we can get ourselves to a place of experimenting with an otherwise awful-feeling situation just for the fun and joy of experimenting and becoming more intimate with ourselves, then often things transform. And transforming in this situation might mean meeting a brand new amazing sexy man(!) while living in a situation that would be upsetting to many women. Wouldn’t that be a turnaround? 😉

  111.  #111Mercedes on September 30, 2009 at 8:21 am

    I am amazed at advice to a woman who is in a situation where she is hurting that indicates she should stay in that situation, no matter how much it hurts, and just experiment and maybe sleep with another man.

  112.  #112Tracy on September 30, 2009 at 8:22 am

    I feel compassion for what happening….but it so reminds me where i once was not so long ago….so i totally understand and agree with RORI on this one…
    The more i read her comments and everyone else’s the more i understand and the more it sinks in…the more i learn to love myself…
    It does feel good to love myself little by little…
    I feel encouraged when i read more women wanting to get in touch with their real self….it feels good to read everyone’s progress…Hugs!

  113.  #113Erika on September 30, 2009 at 8:43 am

    In the pickup artist world, they talk a lot about “reframing.” An example would be if a guy approaches a woman and she won’t talk to him. He has power over how he interprets that situation. He can take it personally and assume he’s not attractive enough, or he can consider the possibility that perhaps she just was having a bad night and didn’t feel like talking to any guy at that moment.

    I see a lot of situations that come up here the same way. So often our intense negative feelings are not coming from the experience itself but from our interpretation of the experience.

    That’s why I really enjoyed Nikita’s suggestions, because in a way she’s “reframing” the whole thing to a more empowering perspective. As she does that, I feel my emotional vibration rise because possibilities and sense of humor feel like they are opening up again.

  114.  #114Erika on September 30, 2009 at 8:48 am

    If I reframe something, I’m no longer giving my power away to my own negative interpretation of it. My energy opens back up again. Feels liberating and heart opening.

  115.  #115I on September 30, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Hi everybody do you have a blog where I could get support? My situation is different, I am married for 18years and I try to change the dynamic of our couple life.
    I am so afraid, all the time now, my husband has been thinking of leaving us since…the beginning of our mariage, and also i was able to live with it for so long it is getting more and more difficult for me, i lost my job, and our girls are growing up and don t need me so much … anyway, I cannot circle date….and i feel lost, and lonely and not goddess like as I should…
    so do you have a place for married women who try to save their family, but who at the same time cannot leave with the same fear anymore?

    thank you

  116.  #116laughing goddess on September 30, 2009 at 9:50 am

    good morning lovlies!

    I feel great reading your comments. I feel supported, accepted, and intrigued. I feel hopeful and excited for Teresa and all of us making changes in our attitudes and behavior. I feel in awe of the grace and beauty that exists here on siren island. I feel in love with myself and all of you.

  117.  #117alias girl on September 30, 2009 at 9:57 am

    xoxo laughing goddess. 🙂 good morning lovely siren.

  118.  #118nikita on September 30, 2009 at 11:05 am

    Good Morning,

    I feel really appreciative that some of the Sirens enjoyed my perspective on our sister Teresa’s living situation.

    I’d like to add that I agree with Rori about the no sex thing….that just takes the cake….if we don’t want to be in a harem we have the right of refusal to play along. I don’t feel sex defines a romantic relationship and the lack of it puts us in a friend’s zone.

    I also fully feel in agreement with Erika in regards to expressing our feelings that aren’t “happy” ones…..
    I feel angry sounds like the authentic feeling….authenticity may feel scary but it feels sexy too….ooooooooh I remember a post Rori wrote about “Our Truth”. I’d go with the truth here and just set these silly hoops on fire. Let’s see if he wants to jump through them. (just kidding-sort of)

    I also hear Mercedes feeling …..maybe perplexed about other perspectives here. I refer back to Flipper’s post to express what I feel. Everyone’s nature is different and we can’t all just run at the drop of a hat. Some of us may have the ability and desire to flee but I refuse to let someone bully me out of a living situation they invited me into. No.

    But……if one of our Sirens’ lives were in danger; I feel very good encouraging her to get out now……but this just sounds like a test.

    I am totally in agreement with Rori about standing up for ourselves and not sharing our bodies with a “sex circle” if it doesn’t feel good to me.

    xx Nikita

  119.  #119Mercedes on September 30, 2009 at 11:52 am

    I know for me personally, ( J has invited me to live with him and I have accepted), if he was openly sleeping with another woman knowing he was hurting me, I wouldn’t think of it as me running away or being bullied out. I would think of it more like me standing up for how I feel and for my own boundaries by saying: “You lose baby…see ya around.” (might even tell him exactly where he could stick that invitation of his to live with him…), and I wouldn’t look back.

  120.  #120nikita on September 30, 2009 at 11:53 am


    I feel weird, I wanted ask something……

    I might be slipping into a relationship or something…..
    Dunno, but I was very intimate with a guy this weekend and I can feel a shift in his energy….it feels serious-er LOL

    I love making up words on Siren Island!!!!

    I feel good but ………I don’t know how to ……ummm

    uh—-mmmm….I like him. He’s great. I feel good.

    ok……I feel very….ugh!!!!! Don’t tie me down!!!!!!!!

    I’ve been exploring the idea I may have some committment issues….He’s kind of perfect and it feels really annoying to me….ok a little annoying…..ok he’s not annoying. My own paranoia about being trapped and fear of being responsible is annoying. Ugh. Careful what you wish for….

    There, I said it. of course he’s totally sweet and he hasn’t done anything to try and tie me down…He just stepped up and managed to suffocate the competition.

    This is so not what I felt like writing……..I wanted to ask
    how can I justify not being a girlfriend if I suddenly don’t feel like marriage is what I want?

    It feels weird….I didn’t have any chat with him about what sex means to me or him or us…..I just did it. After I felt like….uh-oh, how am I going to respect this and still be free to ….I don’t know…just be free me 🙂

    My usual M.O. is I can date whoever I want because I’m not sleeping with anyone and I don’t owe anyone loyalty…….and now I feel like I picked one. I happened to pick a pretty good one….realllllllly good but…..ugh I’m feeling confused.

  121.  #121nikita on September 30, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    I actually feel appreciative that Teresa’s guy is “openly sleeping with other women” and not doing it secretively.
    I’d feel better knowing the information than being kept in the dark about it. I feel the info gives me clarity about how I want to proceed ( negotiate a different relationship )and have the choice to protect myself from risk.

  122.  #122Flipper on September 30, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Nikita, as I understand circular-dating, it’s fine to be sexually exclusive with one person (probably most women are only comfortable with that), as long as that exclusivity doesn’t extend to everything else. We still flirt, go out for walks, accept coffee from other men and keep our hearts open enough to consider other options that make us feel better if sexual-exclusive guy is not moving the relationship forward. We are ready to walk away if things go awry, because we haven’t invested everything in that one man. We don’t tie ourselves to him, shunning all other opportunities for interaction, already giving him everything he likes, and just Waiting in limbo for him to commit to what we want and he’s actually doing it for us. But what we want doesn’t have to be marriage, if ‘girlfriend’ or anything else gets you 100% totally satisfied that he is 100% totally dedicated to the relationship as you want it.

    That feels hard to do, though. Like another poster said, expressing her fear that it would be taking energy away from the sexually-exclusive relationship she likes best and most wants to develop if she spent any time or effort on anyone else. Sounds logical, but just isn’t so. I feel we need to keep our energy for ourselves, just letting it radiate out naturally and be its own wonderful catalyst, stimulating and interacting with other good energies, but not given away. Directing it in a jet stream at someone else feels like a waste, overwhelming or saturating them, and depleting us.

  123.  #123nikita on September 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm


    Not that you suggested this…..just thinking here…I could tap (eft) on my commitment stuff but I feel….NO!
    I like my comfort zone of being un-pin down-able 😉
    HAHA funny how when we have the tools to balance ourselves we resist them just to stay in the zone!
    I feel giddy….I have the power to change it and yet I choose not to. So funny….and yet sooooooo not funny.
    ooooh maybe I could tap on welcoming commitment from others? Maybe i could choose to tap on welcoming all the good stuff the universe is conspiring to give me?…..mmm that feels less scary.

    no I still feel resistance I feel safe with my “commitment phobia”. It feels sexy to me 🙂

    I feel curious about this sexy phobia I’m holding onto….mmmm

  124.  #124nikita on September 30, 2009 at 2:10 pm


    So far the only thing I committed to was promising him to tell him if I slept with someone else.
    That feels respectful and right.

  125.  #125Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Welcome “I” – and I’m so sorry you are feeling so helpless and stuck. This is a process. There are many, many married women reading and commenting here, and I know you’ll get help. Number one – absolutely number one for your self-esteem…is to focus 100% on getting work that pays you. Or starting a business. Or baby-sitting. ANYTHING that brings in money and makes you feel good – something you can ENJOY (this is important) and feel good about doing. Next — yes you CAN Circular Date. It’s not about ‘dating.” Circular Dating is about getting out into the world and RELATING to men. Talking, flirting, practicing the Tools so that when you use them with your husband — it’s easier for you. Like learning a new language and practicing it out there with people who you have no expectations or hopes with…so that when you practice with your husband, you feel more natural and relaxed. I wish you so much luck! Love, Rori

  126.  #126Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Mercedes – I’m with you in what’s “real” — but I also really like the idea of mentally challenging yourself with a far-out image. As Teresa stays where she is — it actually is quite surreal. By expanding that surreal life she’s living, in that place in her head where she’s almost disconnected from her reality and actually beginning to consider a threesome sexual relationship — even though she has no stated sexual interest in the other woman (which would be the only viable reason for doing a threesome relationship with your man and another woman) — I think that imagining taking a lover, getting involved in group sex – as wild as she could imagine – could expand her view and help her see what’s really happening. Taking that surreal situation she’s actually in and making it even more and more and more outrageous…it’s like, sooner or later you go – What am I THINKING? It’s really, really easy to find yourself in a situation and think of it as the ONLY situation…when in fact…we always have MANY options. Actually, this is a proven coaching technique we were taught at CTI! Love, Rori

  127.  #127Mercedes on September 30, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Rori: I use that technique a LOT and it works…very, very well. I even do it with physical pain (for example, when I got my tattoo, I had psyched myself out so much on how painful it would be that I actually got physically sick before I did it. Then, the pain wasn’t even CLOSE to what I had imagined and I had no trouble with it at all).

    What I would refuse to do is to live in the same house with a man who treats me in a disrespectful manner while I was using this technique. To me, it’s not about whether or not I would ever participate in a threesome or any other sexual act. Its about the fact that there is a man in my life who knows he’s hurting me and who continues the behavior because he literally doesn’t care. That is what I would not put up with. That is what I would not stick around for. And that is also what I would never recommend someone else do.

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,

  128.  #128Ann on September 30, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you ladies for your support. They increased my dads pain meds told him to be careful of getting addicted. This is hard for me because I see my dad’s immortality. I hear his suffering and even tho his actions when i was a child have scarred me, i feel sad to see anyone suffer.

    “I” I am married and i learn alot here. We each go at our own place, we’re each on our own journey. Please stick around and use the tools to increase your self esteem.

    i don’t know what I’d do in Teresa situation i haven’t been there. I like Nikita’s way of reframing but i also understand what Mercedes is saying.

  129.  #129alias girl on September 30, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    flipper i feel lovely (and loving!) reading your last comment. xoxo

    i also felt expanded when i read rori’s technique of following theresa’s surreal situation even Further. i agree. what’s next? maybe he’ll take two women plus theresa. or maybe they’ll all be a threesome and theresa can do the laundry for everybody. i mean how far does it go?

    it is one thing for someone to Decide they want an open, revolving-door situation. (or five boyfriends) or whatever.

    it is another to keep sacrificing oneself and clinging and tolerating and rationalizing a situation that in actuality feels Awful to the goddess. i remember the word addict being used. when does the addict quit? how Painful must it get? and what is the addiction to at this point?

    i feel bad for the men in my past i had cast in my life to help me feel bad about myself. i feel bad i hired them to punish myself. i forgive myself. i love myself. i feel MUCH BETTER to gravitate situations now where i feel REWARDED and appreciated and adored and loved and treated like a goddess in a way that FEELS GOOD to ME.

  130.  #130alias girl on September 30, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    ann i feel loving support for you. xoxo.

  131.  #131nikita on September 30, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    just for the record I was not suggesting a threesome…..
    My feeling is how can I make this work for me….How can it serve me?

    And yes AG, who do we “hire”? and for what purpose.

    As far as addictions are concerned….it’s a lot harder to give up heroine when it’s all over the house but if we can kick it under those circumstances…..we take back our power and our energy and we know just what we are made of..

  132.  #132alias girl on September 30, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    i am currently hiring playmates! 😉

    i hear what you are saying nikita. i did not mean to insinuate you said or promoted any certain thing. i was just writing freely. i apologize if there was any confusion.

  133.  #133Daria on September 30, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Rori – I feel surprised a little that you didn’t resonate with the Abraham Hicks emotional scale. It really worked for me.

    The way I do it is like your tool “pick the better feeling thought” (was that your tool? where we’re in the soup and etc, and we pick one that feels good…etc… I think you just talked about this again recently

    So the way the scale worked for me was. I feel where I’m at. Then I look at the next feeling up, and pick a Thought that goes with that feeling. Then I naturally and very SURPRISINGLY to me find myself feeling that feeling. Then I do it again, one step at a time. When I feel particularly desperate, I may try to jump up steps, and it didn’t work. Doing one step at a time really worked and felt SUPER delightful. I just kept feeling so surprised that my feelings were actually changing.

    I would like to have the scale memorized (I don’t yet) because this worked so well for me.

    I also definitely do belive in the soup and being able to move from sadness to joy in an instant, but the scale also worked for me and felt fun.

    Now I feel compelled to say “There I disagreed with Rori on something” and that feels like anger.

    I felt angry when way back Mercedes had made a comment that I thought was directed to me about how she doesn’t agree with something just because a dating coach said to. I heard the implication that I do that, and that is stupid bad and shameful, and I felt awful because well I did agree with everything Rori was writing. I feel weird and tight in my face. I’m still working on that trigger hehe that was a big one for me because it reminded me of stuff my mom says.

    urger burger! I love you urger burger. Thank you!!!!

  134.  #134nikita on September 30, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    aaaw……sweet AG i wasn’t upset in the least…..just clarifying for all the other sirens.

  135.  #135Daria on September 30, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    I felt judged and I felt furious and judgemental… I feel asolutely rageful and like attacking at war wiht a huge army and battle cry.

    I feel weird right now. I feel kinda unsafe. I feel overly alert and hyperattentive. I feel tight in my tummy.

    I love all my feelings.. I love my fear. I love my rage. I love all my feelings. I love my uncomfortableness.

    I LOVE MY GUILT for feeling this way and expressing it. I LOVE MY SELF


    hehehe I feel amused. Fuckin A. I say that a lot. I got it from my sis and I making fun of my lil bro’s ex. We judged her about it and started saying it mockingly, and then I felt so fun saying it that I kept it for the shock factor …. and now I say it all the time.

    I feel tight in my thigh. I feel afraid of being judged. I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel rebellious. I feel tight in my forehead. I love my feelings. I Love myself and my feelings. I ROCK. I ROLL. I THROW EM ALL TO THE FLOOR.


    rapping is comint out

  136.  #136Daria on September 30, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Ann I hear you and I am in loving silent support of you, even when I don’t say something.

    Sometimes I feel a quiet acceptance of such situations and I feel like being silent is respectful and allowing space for the situation to be, in its fragility and sacredness…

    so sometimes I will not comment on grief situations but I want you to Know that I do hear and acknowledge the feelings deeply

  137.  #137Daria on September 30, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Erika – I think you’ve done it! Whatever shift happened I feel very safe and resonant reading your voice on here now. Wow. This feels awesome to notice…

    I feel worried the above comment can trigger anger… um… I just feel really peaceful and very easy to feel your latest comments…. after the one with the numbered steps, where I felt better with just a touch of uneasiness… then everything seems to have shifted from then on and it feels very easy to receive your energy on blog (like it does in real life).

  138.  #138Ann on September 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Thank you AG for your support.

    Thank you Daria for your support too.

    I “think” he’ll come through this but it’s like I feel there is going to be more down the road. I have a problem dealing with grief myself. No matter what I’m grieving it’s a very hard subject to discuss. But I feel so grateful for all the support.

    I haven’t reread Rori’s post. I skimmed it the first time. This part majorly triggered me: “In what fields did I sow seeds to deserve so very, very much?”

    Then I’ll remind you that the whole sowing-seeds-cause-and-effect concept was just a myth, because you were born deserving.

    As someone(I think Mercedes) has already said I feel we were borned deserving BUT I also feel we reap what we sow. And for me personally I feel we sometimes reap what others around us have sown.

  139.  #139Ann on September 30, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Almost forgot Tinque your below quote brought tears to my eyes. People often think I’m stronger than I really am. Thank you.

    tinque says:
    “I as a adult take responsibility of protecting and healing the child within. i as a adult feel sad for my father and the suffering he’s doing now.”
    Ann – you have a beautiful BIG heart.

  140.  #140Daria on September 30, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Lol – I got another call from a man back home who wants to meet me half way lol because his license is suspended until december! lol

    I feel SOOO amused. I’m actually feeling open to meeting him Friday night because I might go out to the city he’s in to go clubbing… i’m thinking… he might be able to let me in to some fun clubs since he works for a radio station i listen to in advertising and he says he gets Vip to clubs…

    we’ll see… hehe

    leaning back rocks. yay lol… i feel so non – pressured to do stuff I don’t want… so i feel safe to explore what I do want…
    and so I was realizing that right now it would feel comfy for me to go meet him if I were also going out in that city as well… and i told him all of that… we’ll see… i feel smily… he’s handsome

  141.  #141Erika on September 30, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    Daria, thank you so much. I felt a huge shift too, and I’ve been really enjoying the new energy.

    So it’s with some sadness that I’m bidding all you Sirens farewell for now.

    Even with the shift, I am feeling something not energetically aligned about me being here. I don’t know why that is exactly.

    Partly it’s that I’m still feeling constricted. I don’t have the same perspective about masculine and feminine energies as what I hear expressed here. All I know is that what I’m doing with men is working, and maybe I need space to get more clarity about what it is that I am doing.

    I could say a lot more but part of what’s going on for me is that I am giving a lot of energy to this blog, and I really need to be giving my energy to my blog and other projects, like the men/women workshop that Hristiyan and I are planning tonight, among other things.

    Thank you Sirens for the many contributions you’ve made to my life. I feel very happy that there is a place for women to go to express all the feelings that are expressed here.


  142.  #142Daria on September 30, 2009 at 6:46 pm


    very important for me. I have had trouble doing the eye contact for 5 seconds and smile with men I am attracted to…

    I want to give them a sexy smile, which for me is like a smirky “knowing” side smile with squinty sparkly eyes

    however I feel like I’m “leaning forward” doing this because it’s clearly flirtatious…

    and also I feel terrified TERRRIFIED to the effect that I haven’t really done it with men i don’t know

    HELP RORI???

  143.  #143Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Bye Erika, I’ll be following your work…Love, Rori

  144.  #144Daria on September 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    oops well I mean it feels like leaning forward because it takes an EFFORT for me to do it despite my terror and also because it clearly states my INTEREST in the man

    um… maybe its not leaning forward

    it’s terrifying tho

    Rori what do you think of these flirty smiles, wink, or other kind of initiating type of “looks” to a man

    HELP HELP HELP big important trigger issue for me

  145.  #145Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    How cool, Daria…we’re all different, and that’s why my Tools work in so many different ways, come from so many different angles, so you can find what sings to you…visual, hearing, kinesthetic…thank you for telling us how you work the “scale.” Love, Rori

  146.  #146Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Mercedes, of course I agree with you. I just wanted to go a little farther out to ask…what if…because Teresa isn’t really letting him know how she feels in a powerful way…he doesn’t KNOW he’s hurting her? Or it’s easy for him to talk himself out of that because she actually seems to be WILLING to participate in all this? Essentially…he’s just doing what he wants. That could make him a bad man, or a clueless man…and, it doesn’t MATTER. The question is, and you nailed it…What are WE doing there? Love, Rori

  147.  #147Rori Raye on September 30, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Everyone…let me know…I feel the mood on here is ramped up and feisty, and I LIKE it. Everyone still seems to me in feeling, feminine voice, just a little freer to be angry and express it. I noticed Erika’s voice shift tremendously, and it all feels good. Let me know you all feel safe — I want you to create safety even when triggered…use whatever triggers you here to work with…and I’d like to do that by allowing it all to pour out so you have a place to WORK with it all. This is what it’s like in the trenches with a man…this is good practice. Let me know individually if you need some moderation or help with any particular triggering voice. Love, Rori

  148.  #148Daria on September 30, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Thank you Rori…

    Please can you help me with the eye contact and smile question… i would feel realy good to understand, I feel really limited when I see attractive men, but theres a crowd, I KNOW they would be attracted to me if we were to engage,

    but I feel scared giving them long eye contact and sexual smiles

    btw I don’t have this same problem when i drink apparently, or I don’t know exactly what it is…
    urger burger

    I’ve asked so many people for help with this, and they’ve all helped me, but I want More help lol

    I want to know if flirting by prolonging eye contact is ok, or will i be initiating an interaction with a man who may not really be “feeling” me 100% and thus nose dive into exchanging with a man whos not into me

  149.  #149Ann on September 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Daria I’m not Rori so hope you don’t mind my comment. I’ve followed your’s and Alias Girls progress. I see a real courage in the two of you. What I feel (at least from my perspective of what I read) you often do is expirement, then check in with your feelings.

    So my vote is like the Nike commercial says: Just Do It. You appear so strong to me, that I feel even if a man didn’t respond Daria would turn it around to help her feel more comfortable with eye contact.

    Hope I’m making sense tonight, don’t feel good.

  150.  #150MJ on September 30, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    I like the discussion, and hearing about how people are grappling with the ideas, and trying them out. It’s amazing how they do work when you get the courage to try them. I do feel safe- everyone here is caring and respectful, even when disagreeing.

    Someone mentioned previously how leaning back can make you feel emotionally distant- exactly my dilemma at times- sometimes I feel I can only lean back when I decide I don’t need my boyfriend to come toward me- i.e. I must risk doing without him, because that might be the result of my leaning back. (Magically, it never is! That’s what keeps me coming back to learn more from Rori!)

  151.  #151gina on September 30, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    okay, so I am OFFICIALLY DONE leaning forward with Johnny. I didn’t hear from him and I had it all “figured out” that I just needed to let him know how I feel, and that he would go back to pursuing me. Today I texted “hey can you call me when you have a chance?” he texted “yeah but give me a bit. I’m readying my resume…yeah…details coming soon…”

    whatever that means. did he get fired? did he quit? i dunno, but he sent that text 5 hours ago. I feel triggered again. i’m tempted to shut down if he does call. my mind is wandering to all kinds of explanations for his behavior. another girl, bla bla bla.

    I love my anger. i love the part of me that felt so concerned for how i think I “misbehaved” that I wanted to “fix” it. i love that i now see that there is more to the situation than I imagined, so I was worried about stuff that is beyond my control and none of my business all along. i feel happy to go back to not worrying. I feel tempted to keep checking my phone. I feel angry that he is not contacting me. I feel tempted to make excuses for him. i feel ashamed of my temptation. i feel ashamed that I leaned forward. i had decided that i was going to go for it. when he called me, I was going to say “I’ll be in Dallas tomorrow, can I stop by on my way back?” and then he was going to say yes and I was going to come over and tell my speech passionately, and he was going to embrace me passionately, and then we were going to go back to his apartment and talk and cuddle and speak intimately till super late and fall asleep in each other’s arms, and then I was going to write on this blog about how I took a risk that turned out Rock Star. But so far this vision isn’t panning out. I feel relieved and resentful to stop trying to control the situation. i feel stuck an and angry and tired. I feel good that i got lots of attention from other men today – like the universe was giving me a little love. I feel open to love. I feel like giving myself over to my highest self which says not to worry about a thing. that I am a channel of light and love and that all this worry and doing and fixing is blocking my light. i just need to chill.

  152.  #152gina on September 30, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    this idea of “framing” interests me. i see how it could be good. But it’s tricky. This totally a matter of judgment, but i have a friend who went on a sort of “date” with a man even though she is married. She met him one month after she married, got his email address and told him that she was super attracted to him and that his is such a good guy that she would introduce him to her friends. She went home and told her husband that she met a man who was very attractive and if she wasn’t married, she would date him. She kept her husband posted on the email correspondence that she kept with this man. she and her husband left the city for his work, and when she came back to the city for a weekend visit, she went out with the other man. She told her husband that they were going to hang out, and he (her husband) kept saying it was okay and that he totally trusts her. she ended up at his apartment lying with him on a couch staring into each others eyes, and once he began caressing her leg, she stopped it and went home. The guy felt awful and the incident was the end of his 4 year relationship with his girlfriend. But my friend “framed” the incident in her own way. She claims that the incident brought her and her husband closer together because it made their physical relationship more intense and emotional. Last time i talked to her, she was planning on “hanging out” with this man again because he was coincidentally in the town where her husband is currently working. I’m absolutely being judgmental, but I’m just saying that I see this “framing” business as a possible form of denial.

  153.  #153nikita on September 30, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    denial is the first stage………. 😉

  154.  #154nikita on September 30, 2009 at 8:32 pm


    IMHO, eye contact is not leaning forward.
    I look at men curiously but think sexy stuff = sexy look/no effort. I’m merely feeding my eyes…..or

    feasting my eyes.

    I smile and look away when I get caught…..which is me forgetting myself by being so entranced with his being.

    I look back to see if he’s looked away so I can check out his shoulders and mouth…..

    If he’s single he’ll come over to make sure he didn’t imagine this girl totally sizing him up….

    A look is inviting….it feels like open heart to me 🙂

    xx Nikita.

  155.  #155nikita on September 30, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    Dear Sirens,

    I was talking to my Male roomie about Teresa’s situation and he has requested to chime in…… If this needs to be deleted I understand…but I’m not ready to share my secret girl blog by showing him how to create an account, but I do feel like a male perspective could be interesting.

    his alias is Axel..

    Axel says:

    i wonder if the dude is doing a passive agressive thingy, where he doesnt want to ask her to leave, cuz he doesnt want to look like a prick since he originally asked her to give up her place and now she is out of work etc. but he really doesnt want her to be there anymore so he’s altering his behaviour to be less acceptable to her in the hope she will just move out…which is what some of yous sirens suggested

    now if i was her, i would just go out and get some cock, as shakespeare once wrote, tickle us do we not laugh, prick us do we not bleed, wrong us do we not avenge? obviously trying to speak to the dude about his actions and how it affects her feelings is falling on deaf ears..sometimes verbal communication doesnt work well with men…we need to see how our actions affect the actions of the girls we allegedly love..

    now i know a few mentioned how maybe there is some sort of group sex or open relationship is going on and i dont think its the case, ive dated a few porn stars and even though we had an open relationship, neither of us dis-respected the feelings of the other

    moving out now isnt the solution, cuz as i suggest it could very well be EXACTLY what he wants you to do..but i think its something you should plan for…the heart wants what the heart getting that…blessed is he/she who in the name of love, patience, acceptance and understanding tolerates bad behaviour, (i know i certainly did) for surely they are the keepers of the flame of love…but there is a difference between being patient and understanding and accepting and just being someone’s doormat…im just saying…


  156.  #156nikita on September 30, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    i’d like to say that i never condone a person to have sex out of revenge…i feel like Axel hasn’t been a girl so has no clue how we can feel hurt when sex is empty…or whatever but..that was his view…i didn’t want to censor it.

    xxx Nikita

  157.  #157laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 12:35 am


    I feel so resonate with your post. I feel freaked out a bit even. Ha ha! I am wondering if I have now gone completely over the edge and have another personality named Daria that I (l.g.) am not even aware of. :-). I feel playful. I feel silly. It feels good to have fun. I loving feeling connected. I feel in touch with the transcendent quality of the universe. I feel free because I know that I choose my own thoughts and therefore my own reality. I love that my only real purpose is to feel my thoughts. I love knowing that’s is all okay, that this is just a big crazy dream and I am allowed to have fun. I love knowing that “others” are just a reflection of my beliefs about myself and I for them. I love myself! I love my life and I know what I do matters.


  158.  #158laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 12:42 am


    I feel like saying…”nice riff!”

  159.  #159laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Nikita: I feel excited to try play with that way of making eye contact. I feel hot.

  160.  #160Tracy on October 1, 2009 at 2:01 am

    i had a dream yesterday where i felt myself in a relationship with a man i was intimate with but didn’t even like or want to be with…he felt repulsive and i was scared that i cud have his baby and have to marry him and all…..
    I have been thinking about this all day and what i feel right now is that i have often thought of myself as a victim of my circumstances…That life is happening and the outcomes are beyond my control…as though my destiny has already been set and no matter what i do i am still going to get what is set out of me…it makes me feel helpless and i feel that i have carried this with me through all my relationships and situations…
    This man in my dream depicts my perception of future and what is laid out for me and i feel scared that maybe because its not determined by me…i am most likely not going to get what i really want…
    I feel sad and frustrated…
    I have been thinking a lot about what i’d like to have in my life…and i realized that i want both a career in Finance and a family…My work takes a lot of my time and energy but i love working late and working hard and i am setting my grounds up to be a success in my field…I often felt that my desire for having this career has interfered with my desire to have a family…and now i feel stuck between wanting to go on with my career as it is….and focusing on settling down and dating and meeting a good man…I feel scared that i cannot have both…
    I hear so many stories of really successful women but single and this triggers me…I feel worried that maybe its a given and not out of choice…I would love to see it as a choice…
    I would want to see the situations in my life as a choice of what feels good for me and what doesn’t and not as a result of circumstances….
    I want to look at my life as different and not based on statistics…or assumptions..i want to look at my life as a combination of choices that led me to a place i wanted to be…I feel that this has been the question i have been asking myself all this time…I am i really directing my own life…i am i really living my own choices?…i am i doing what i want?…i am i getting what i want and what i am i doing to get to that which feels good for me?…HELP!

  161.  #161Tracy on October 1, 2009 at 3:40 am

    i feel that all this boils down to choices…..Do i really feel as though i have choices?… would it feel to believe i had choices…?Until i started circular dating,i didn’t feel that there were enough men to go around…..and now i feel that once i set out and decided my goals and what i really wanted….i feel that a part of me is resisting this….
    A part of me doesn’t believe in choices or in having a relationship that i choose to have with a man i want to have with a career i want to be involved in…with the amount of money i choose to have…with being happy and choosing to feel good…
    A part of me still believes that suffering is what should be happening to me…that i cant have it all….have that which i want…is it selfish to have that which i want?
    I feel confused about this…I feel glad that its all coming out and i am letting it all out and i feel relieved that i don’t have to carry it around anymore…I accept my limiting beliefs of my capabilities and that of the Universe and God…
    I feel that the purpose of setting a goal is so that i can accomplish it and if i desire it…from a good place and with the right intentions then i can achieve it…I feel that not believing that i was capable of choosing that which i want has prevented me from living the life that i would want…

  162.  #162Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 6:55 am

    “I felt angry when way back Mercedes had made a comment that I thought was directed to me about how she doesn’t agree with something just because a dating coach said to. I heard the implication that I do that, and that is stupid bad and shameful, and I felt awful because well I did agree with everything Rori was writing. I feel weird and tight in my face. I’m still working on that trigger hehe that was a big one for me because it reminded me of stuff my mom says.”

    Daria: I wish you would have come to me with this concern. I do feel that way…very much so…but the comment wasn’t directed at you, it was about me and it was there to explain why I sometimes disagree with Rori.

    Sometimes we find one person who nails it for us…sometimes we find part of what they say to be perfect…sometimes we find lots of people who can help and sometimes we find ourselves searching for someone who can help. For me…I have yet to meet one coach who I follow and agree with everything they say. I, personally, do not trust that everything someone says is right for me. I follow more than one coach and I take what works and feels right for me and I leave the rest behind. That’s me though. What works for you and feels right to you is perfect…even if it may not be perfect for me, if it is perfect for you (or anyone else for that matter), I think that’s really cool.

    Much Love,

  163.  #163Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 7:14 am

    AG: “i also felt expanded when i read rori’s technique of following theresa’s surreal situation even Further. i agree. what’s next? maybe he’ll take two women plus theresa. or maybe they’ll all be a threesome and theresa can do the laundry for everybody. i mean how far does it go?

    it is one thing for someone to Decide they want an open, revolving-door situation. (or five boyfriends) or whatever.

    it is another to keep sacrificing oneself and clinging and tolerating and rationalizing a situation that in actuality feels Awful to the goddess. i remember the word addict being used. when does the addict quit? how Painful must it get? and what is the addiction to at this point?”

    That whole thing is EXACTLY how I feel about it. I love each and every one of those words because you said what I couldn’t seem to say and you did it better than I could have at even my finest moment.

    Much Love,

  164.  #164Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Some of you know of my recent experience with A and well… I was feeling stuck and caught up in this relationship that I did not want to let go of. (As a side note, we are currently on a “break” and not talking to one another. Not a bad ending but one that was needed.)

    I had been feeling down and angry. I wanted to reach out to him. To trade my fear of the unknown for the “pain” of the familiar. But I haven’t done that. I’ve been facing my fears and putting myself out there like never before. And I’ve meet a few men that *I* feel really good with when I’m around them. I can see the possibilities out there again. I’m no longer in the tunnel only seeing the man in front of me. Who knows what will come of it but it really opened my eyes.

    I don’t have to make the square peg fit in the round hole. A man is who he is and I am who I am (Sam I Am 🙂 ). I don’t want to feel insecure and needy and untrusting when I’m with a man. I can simply say NO, stand up for what I want, and go find that for myself.

    I feel open and a lot more relaxed than I have in several weeks.

  165.  #165Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Mercedes: I felt similar feelings and reactions to Teresa’s story. I know I would be feeling awful and very upset in her situation. However, my recent experience has shown me that just because I believe I would feel that way in a situation, my reactions to it might be much different. I would like to believe that I would just walk for certain reasons but until I had that boundary tested, it wasn’t real. Now I KNOW it’s real. Now I KNOW I’d walk, but until then, it was just words. I also know that hearing others criticize my choices felt painful and made me feel worse for staying in a situation. A part of me felt defensive, like I needed to defend what I was doing there (and the man involved) because the situation was a reflection of ME. Does that make sense? I get where you’re coming from, and I appreciate your fire!

    Teresa: I hope all of our different voices have helped you to really see the situation that you’re in. How do you feel about things right now? Are you choosing this situation for yourself, or are you choosing it so that you don’t lose him?

    Erika: I understand your choice. I’ll be following your blog!

  166.  #166Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Shannon: I agree with all you say. I still would NEVER, under ANY circumstances recommend to a woman that she stay in a situation and/or live with a man where there is blatant disrespect. Would not do it. As you know, that boundary was tested for me as well…and I walked and I would walk again (this time being FOREVER). It is something I would never put up with and although I obviously cannot control or tell Theresa what to do, I will give the advice that I would give myself and any other woman. That advice is “NEVER put up with disrespect. You deserve better and you should have better. And if you can get yourself out of that situation, you WILL have better.”

    BTW…you sound amazingly strong!! So cool what’s happening with you!

    Much Love,

  167.  #167tinque on October 1, 2009 at 8:39 am

    Ditto from me Shannon. You sound so good.
    I have to agree with you. It’s a lot easier to know what one should do in a situation that doesn’t feel good and we know it’s not good for us, but doing what we should do sometimes is REALLY REALLY hard, eg. leaving.
    I get how hard it is to give up on a man and the relationship. Hey I stayed with my ex twelve more years before I got out.

  168.  #168laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 9:23 am

    I feel sooo angry right now! I feel so triggered and angry about the comments Mercedes wrote on Erika’s blog and here. I feel angry with myself for letting her comments get to me. I feel pissed off and angry. I feel angry because I have zero desire to engage in drama. I feel pissed because I don’t want to engage with people who use drama and argumentiveness to feed their own energy systems. I feel ugh! I feel irritated. I feel annoyed. I feel f-ing angry! I love my anger. I love my anger because it helps me gain clarity about the kind of person I want to be and want to engage with.

    I feel pissed off because I have a great day ahead of me and lots of fun things planned and I feel pissed that I am even letting this distract me. I feel a little better after this riff. I feel the tension disipating. I feel myself breathing. I feel release.

  169.  #169Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Laughing Goddess: I know my style isn’t for everyone, but its been quite some time since I pissed someone off enough to ruin their day. Are there any particular quotes you’d like to share so I can see what exactly it is that triggered you so much? I don’t want to be the distraction from your day at all.

    Much Love,

  170.  #170laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 9:55 am


    I feel zero desire or intention to engage with you further unless you are communicating with me in feeling messages. I want to feel safe (Rori: I do not feel safe). I feel amused that you even think you have the power to ruin my entire day. I feel certain I never said that in my post, I merely expressed how I was feeling in the moment. I feel certain I will easily change my focus and have a great day. I feel free. I feel alive. I feel happy and proud of myself for expressing my feelings. I feel done. I feel anticipatory for the adventures that await me today. I feel good. I feel very loving towards myself. I feel thankful that I have healthy boundaries. I feel thankful that I know what I want. I feel good.

  171.  #171Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Thank you laughing goddess. I feel appreciative of you letting me know that the lack of feeling messages makes you feel unsafe. I feel like using my own voice but will refrain from making you feel unsafe by communicating with you in any other manner than this.

  172.  #172Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 10:35 am

    I feel annoyed by the tone on the blog lately. Must we shoot arrows at the Sirens here? I feel confused by it really. Triggers are suppose to be useful! I feel comfortable using the voice that I want, when I want, how I want. Period. Feelings, thoughts, whatever. That’s why we come here, right? It’s all helpful. This is the real world.

    Actually thank you all for the tone I’m “hearing”. It is definitely triggering me. A part of me wants to say some pretty choice things. It’s good practice for me to not unleash that nasty voice. (I had great practice unleashing when I was married – NONE of it was helpful.) I’m still feeling the annoyance and the anger but I want to be soft and vulnerable and NOT let my anger control me. So thank you. Okay, this feels good. I can be annoyed and angry and not flip the switch. Wow. I feel open again. A little tense but open.

  173.  #173Teresa on October 1, 2009 at 10:35 am

    I’ve been reading.
    Staying here seemed like a good idea until he decided that he didn’t want to be “dating”- only “friends”. Which seems like he’s been going at for a few weeks but I didn’t catch it cause he has been subtle.

    He knows this is hurting me, yes. Last night was our first date anniversary. I let it be known I’d like to spend time with him but he had plans already. This morning he read a letter i wrote him in which I had mentioned I had some great plans for us, etc. He asked what it was and said he would have gone if I had asked him. I made it clear that I had expressed wanting to spend time and he didn’t. He argues that he DOES want to spend time with me, he just doesn’t want it to confuse me or to prolong the pain that he sees I am in.
    I told him I am not confused.
    I told him that I am not trying to be just friends.
    He asked me to go to dinner tonight and I said no. I don’t want to. If we’re not dating then I don’t want to.
    He is rather upset and confused that it seems as though I don’t want to talk to him at all unless we’re dating.

    Yes I want to be back with him when he gets his head on straight.
    This situation he has created will blow up in his face, and it will be ugly. This girl is a manipulative child, a walking minefield. He doesn’t know everything that I know about her but he will find out. she can’t hide her real face forever. He has been in bad relationships in the past, manipulative situations, situations where he gave his all and was left with nothing. He won’t let that happen ever again. He always realizes his appreciation for me when he sees a BAD example of a wife, for example on the movie The Hangover; when the dorky guys wife is demanding he call at a certain time and so on while he’s in Las Vegas. He saw this and said “I am TRULY blessed…” and I felt his gratitude, when he saw what COULD be.

    WHEN he calls, because he WILL CALL (and text), … how can I remain open to him moving forward without putting myself in a “friend” situation?
    When is it ok to see him? Should I receive his calls and just hang up after a few minutes, or not take his calls at all until he is begging me with some new idea about how to have a situation I am happy with? Would it be bad to not respond to his calls and texts?

    I know this is early on but I need to know how to deal with this when it comes up because IT WILL COME UP.
    He absolutely wants me in his life but I will not get stuck being “friends”. Although part of me wonders if that would leave it pressure free enough for him to move forward to more.

    Axels opinion.
    Yes, He is pushing me away. Partly because I’ve been hanging on so tightly and partly because he’s “not feeling it” and wants me to either just be his friend or move out (but still talk to him/spend time with him!) As well as the fact that he’s hurting me so he doesn’t want to have to feel guilty about that I’m sure.

    He has many ex girlfriends or lovers whom he still talks to, several of who I am friends with. They all have chosen to remain friends with him. Some of them are very good friends! But I am NOT those girls. I get what I want. I demand to be treated better than that. I demand that my man step up to the plate. I want a strong and courageous man, and that is the only thing that is acceptable.


    Last night being our anniversary, and he was out, I was feeling very sad and angry as well. Really depressed and tired. I wrote him a loving letter honoring our relationship and the beautiful person I see in him and leaving our situation in God’s hands and telling him that I know he looks to God and encouraging us both to. etc. I probably shouldn’t have but I felt like .. if I don’t know, when would he hear these things; although I hope to have communicated them through action before. I also mentioned that if anything ever happened to him and I had not communicated these things I would be sad. The other night I saw a flash on the movie we were watching of a man who had died but in my mind it looked like him. I said that I saw this and that I realized that night how very sad I would be if he died, to lose that connection of the power and love inside of him would be a loss. For the record, he has some idea that he may die this year. Somehow something foretold of this.. I don’t remember what right now. Something someone told him, or a dream. So this last year he has been very “sieze the day” “life is about experience”.

    I went out (with the girl he has been hanging out with’s ex- her baby’s daddy) and was back around 3am.
    He appeared at home right before dawn. He showered. (sigh) and then came and laid next to me in our kids bedroom until the sun came up.
    When I woke up he greeted me nicely, told me he got my sweet letter. Asked if I was still taking him to the airport tomorrow for his trip to philly for a cousins wedding with the family. I told him i hadn’t had time to think about it. At some point I asked if he had gotten the gift I left him, and he had not seen it. It was a wrist cuff scented with aveda “love”. and a song list I had made a long time ago but never made the cd for. This is about twenty minutes after he asked about the airport; he got ready to go to leave, I asked (sigh) where he was going (slap me) – he said he was going to lunch with this other girl, and said he’d probably be back to the house right after. he asked again if i would be free to give him a ride to the airport and I said I think you should probably find another ride. He was mad. I don’t know why, I said “why are you mad” and he said “i’m not. I’ll be fine.” – he was still nice after this. smiling, joking. he had also asked if i wanted to go to dinner tonight and I refused. He left.
    He texted me “thank u for all that you’ve done and all that u r. The devotion u have rests heavy on my soul. Please always know I love you dearly & I fricken love the bracelet!” .. he’s feeling scared and wanted to emphasize that he liked the present.

    anyway i have called my friend and will probably work on moving my things out tonight while he is at work from 4-8pm.


  174.  #174Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 10:42 am

    Shannon: “I feel comfortable using the voice that I want, when I want, how I want. Period. Feelings, thoughts, whatever. That’s why we come here, right?”

    Thank you for saying that. If someone has a boundary that they only want to speak to me if I use feeling messages, I will do whatever I can to respect that boundary. It won’t be real or authentic because they are forcing it, but I’ll do what I can. For anyone who doesn’t specifically request I only use certain words when speaking to them….well…those people will get the real, true, authentic me in my own voice. I appreciate you wanting the authentic me. Almost everyone I meet would rather I be authentic…and so would I…but it does go against my nature to disrespect someone’s boundary, so if a forced less than authentic style is what they want from me, I’ll do my best. Chances are good though….they won’t hear much from me.

    I appreciate you and your authentic voice as well!!

    Much Love,

  175.  #175Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Thank you Shannon!! Yes — this is what I hoped for. Just like in any relationship…when everyone’s working overtime to be “nice…” stuff gets swept under…and there’s just no way I’m not going to trigger you sometimes with my opinions and posts and comments, not if I want to help you and hit things square on the head. (And thank you, Mercedes, for your firm voice of Boundaries…). Men can be so challenging to us…and so to practice here with getting triggered is, I think, excellent practice. That’s what a safe place is…a place to get triggered…but I’m very aware of the difference between safe and not safe. I’ve been in deep personal growth workshops where one comment to me by someone shook me to the core and “wrecked’ the experience…I don’t want that to happen…so — ALL — when you direct comments to a specific person – it MUST be from how it effects YOU, and not what you think of the person. In other words…Boundaries without attack. When you do it the way we’re doing it here…you feel empowered when it happens…the reverse of BAD. We all need practice standing up for ourselves WITHOUT damaging the relationship. Here’s where compassion meets boundaries. This is going to be skill building. Love, Rori

  176.  #176Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Theresa: The way you explained what you think is going on with him (knowing he’s hurting you and feeling guilty about that and wanting to be friends, etc) is exactly how J was with me when he cheated on me. And…yes…he called and sent text messages as soon as I left him…a LOT of them. I ignored them all for a very long time. Mostly because I really didn’t want to talk to him, but also because, like you, I had no desire to be his friend and I was afraid if we communicated, that’s exactly what I would become. I can’t tell you not to answer his attempts, but I can tell you that when I was in that situation, it didn’t feel good for me to answer and so I didn’t.

    Hope that helps…

    Much Love,

  177.  #177Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Rori: I like this: “when you direct comments to a specific person – it MUST be from how it effects YOU, and not what you think of the person. In other words…Boundaries without attack.”

    So thank you.

    Much Love,

  178.  #178Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Also…ALL – I’ve noticed a “good cop/bad cop” thing going on here, with Mercedes and Erika supplying our “bad cop” – it’s almost a shadow thing…and I think this can be about the most healing thing on this blog…BLESS you, Mercedes and Erika, for your willingness to do this for us…(Erika, I know you’ve taken a break, but we still have your blog itself…) just imagine how empowering it is to have something solid to work with…here, in this safe place, before you go out there and try it in a highly charged situation with a man, or someone at work? One thing I know…Erika and Mercedes and the powerful women I’ve known who triggered me powerfully have let me see so much about myself. What I want to work with, and what I want to walk away from. Let’s keep working with this for a bit, okay? I’m watching, and I’m talking with you personally through email to make sure all is okay. Just let me know, as laughing goddess did. Love, Rori

  179.  #179Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Thanks Rori! I like “bad cop”…but I hope I’m more consistently “tough love solid boundary cop”. LOL 🙂

    Much Love,

  180.  #180Teresa on October 1, 2009 at 11:22 am

    And yes, it’s not as much about bringing a third person into our relationship as that he’s been disrespecting me, disregarding my feelings, not including me, and i had no choice in who.

    if it were the right person, i might feel ok with it being an occasional physical connection, or even an emotional one if WE were in a place of strong emotional safety, OUR foundation. But this is not the time to bring something like that in, and it is not even healthy as it NEEDS to be about love and about being sure we are nurturing and building OUR bond. But this is more about about triangulation and neglecting the compassion, respect and effort to create positive interactions that is needed.

    With the RIGHT person, someone who was as loving as I intend to be and who was respectful and creating a safe environment, I would consider an addition to our family.

    I do still think that it would not be very easy though, humans have only so many resources ; time, physical energy, etc.
    And I want a LOT of sex. …
    hehe. I don’t honestly know that it would be ideal.

    just sharing thoughts for those of you who seem interested in that aspect of relationships.

    i do not see that it’s necessarily wrong if the intent is to love everyone as well as possible, but it’s not something that I really seek out and doubt that I would unless it benefitted me and my relationship in a big way, as I am satisfied with the challenges and rewards brought from one relationship. I could add more difficulty and do a more mediocre job, or I could do a very high quality job with one.

  181.  #181Teresa on October 1, 2009 at 11:27 am

    I really am appreciating everyone’s involvement here on the blog. I feel like it’s very useful to everyone to observe the interactions and thoughts going on, and also beneficial for us to help each other practice the tools Rori has outlined in such a useful way, where we can have each other’s feedback and get it right. It’s good to feel you’ve had opportunity to practice.

    Much love to all of you and the energy you’ve shared.


  182.  #182Nikita on October 1, 2009 at 11:34 am

    Hi Teresa,

    You sound a lot better and stronger to me.
    I feel good hearing you have the option of staying with a friend.

  183.  #183Teresa on October 1, 2009 at 11:57 am

    Thanks for your thoughts Nikita.

    Yes I am feeling stronger… a bit. I still want to cry, and I am still really tired from not sleeping and what I guess is repressed anger.

    I need to keep feeding my anger though, thinking of all the ways he hasn’t thought of ME, and the ways he’s hurt my feelings, knowingly and carelessly. I am *barely* feeling it enough to know it’s there.. I need to REALLY feel it so I can fully feel I DON’T want to be here while he’s acting like this.


  184.  #184Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Thank you Rori! I feel so appreciative of you and this blog! And I feel happy to be acknowledged!

    Mercedes: Even when you trigger me, I still love your voice, your fire, your passion. I feel your concern and that you care about each of us. That shines through to me more than anything else, no matter what the delivery package.

    Teresa: I am feeling triggered by your posts. When you write what you think HE’s thinking, I feel very disconnected from your feelings. (Almost feels like he came here to write instead of you.) He could be thinking anything. I would feel awful knowing I just gave a man a bracelet, and he’s going to have lunch with another woman to show it off. Grrr. Mind you, I would feel scared that I’m losing him (because I love him, right?). Then I’d feel stupid for feeling scared because “why would I want to be with someone who treats me like this?”. and then I feel scared again because I think he loves me and I don’t want to lose that. But I tell myself to stop that circular thinking. It gets me nowhere quick. I don’t want to be somebody’s maybe or somebody’s back-up plan. I feel really icky because I’ve done that not too long ago. Blech. I feel empathy for the place you’re in right now. I really do.

    You have your power Teresa. You wrote about it to Axel. (I demand to be treated…”) I would love for you to find your warrior and truly hold that power. You are stronger than you imagine.

    As for the calls and the texts, I’m practicing doing what feels good to me in the moment. A) Do I feel like answering and talking to him? B) If I’m talking to him, does this conversation feel good, or am I thinking about XYZ or who he’s been with, etc.? If it doesn’t feel good, the conversation is usually short. If it does feel good, I’ll talk until I no longer want to talk.

    I hope this helps Teresa! And thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable to all of us. You’re putting it all out here for us (and risking a lot of criticism and judgement). I appreciate that! Shannon

  185.  #185Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    Shannon: You’re the BEST! I like that I can trigger you “in a good way” (if that makes any sense). What I mean is I don’t like triggering people, but if it does happen, I like that you can still appreciate where its coming from. Smooches!!!

    Much Love,

  186.  #186Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    Mercedes – “tough love solid boundary cop” could be your books subtitle! Love, Rori

  187.  #187Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Ahhhh…this is all working very nicely, now…Love, Rori (Remember – the way is “through”!)

  188.  #188Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Rori you crack me up! Now that’s going to stick with me. I see the future. Tonight I will tell J about this. He’ll love it. Every time he sees the fire in me start to come out he’ll say something along the lines of “Settle down there Tough Love Solid Boundary Cop…it’s going to be okay.” LOL! 🙂

    Much Love,

    PS: Coming soon to an internet connection near you! A much anticipated ebook by Miss Mercedes aka tough love solid boundary cop. Warning: Not for the feint of heart. 🙂

  189.  #189alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    simply shannon i feel empowered to hear you are circular dating. there are SO MANY men in the world. so many men who would LOVE to treat you in a way that feels super delicious to you. 🙂 this is what i believe.

    i feel good you and mercedes worked out the triggering event. i always feel good when i resolve something like that well with someone.

    theresa. i agree with what someone else wrote. i don’t see a lot of feeling messages. even on this blog was a great place for me to practice practice practice commnicating in feeling messages. what i am reading just feels unproductive because it is mostly just a “story”. here’s what happened. here’s why i Think it happened. Here’s what He Might be Thinking.

    if it were my “story” i might feel things like:

    i feel plowed down by this situation. i feel utterly hopeless in what is now a loveless situation but used to light up my entire life. i feel stuck and addicted to this man.


    I love my sense of hopelessness. i love my feeling of losing the love of my life to another woman. i love that i am letting myself be used as a punching bag.

    etc etc etc

    it’s a technique some of the sirens on the island use called riffing. you can find the whole series of posts about how to riff in rori’s “power and self esteem” series if you click on that on the right hand side of the blog. you can start from the beginning of the posts (from the earliest dated one) and read and follow along in all the comments and see how to do it and see how rori tweaked the sirens progress as they went along.

    i feel supportive and i also feel confident you will find you’re way into a better happier place.

  190.  #190nikita on October 1, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    I feel mentally tickled imagining Mercedes at a Halloween party in a tough love cop costume. . . checking in with all the ladies to make sure their guys are treating them right.
    I can see Mercedes writing moving violations all over the party lol!!!!!!

  191.  #191Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Nikita: That would be a SERIOUSLY fun costume! Especially in a bar where I see disrespect all over the place! Unfortunately, I won’t be dressing up for Halloween this year. Fortunately, I will be in San Diego seeing my son again!!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  192.  #192tinque on October 1, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    Okay now I’m truly inspired. Here’s my potential costume.

    tinque – the soft love wipe away your tears shackle you with silk scarves sex is the answer for everything girl – guaranteed to make you hum or sing

  193.  #193nikita on October 1, 2009 at 1:50 pm


    aaaaaaw good for you, I just read how much you missed him on the other post….saudade 😉

  194.  #194Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Alias Girl: I loved what you said here:
    “It is mostly just a “story”. Here’s what happened. Here’s why i Think it happened. Here’s what He Might be Thinking.”

    I do this alot. And even better is that my “story” almost always makes it sound like it’s not as bad as it really is. I make excuses for him and his actions because of what *I* think he’s thinking.

  195.  #195Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    hahahaha! Tinque and Mercedes and Nikita! LMAO at the costume ideas! Mercedes can cuff ’em and Tinque can give them the “sex” talk. OMGosh! Love it!

  196.  #196Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Shannon: I’m pretty sure the only way Tinque is going to let me be the one to do the cuffing is if I use pretty pink furry cuffs. I might have to let her do that part and I stick with the sitations! 🙂 Just kidding….Love you Tinque!! 🙂

    Nikita: Thank you so much. He is on my mind and in my heart very much right now. When your only form of communication is letters via snail mail and he doesn’t have time to write…I miss him. Mostly, I just wish I could pick up the phone and call, but…I’m hanging in there and I’ll be hugging all over him soon. I appreciate your words very much.

    Much Love,

  197.  #197Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I meant citations…

    I think…

  198.  #198tinque on October 1, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Yes citations.
    But Miss M since you’re the boundary cop, I would have no choice but to allow you to cuff ’em anyway you see fit. I’m good with that as long as I can wrap a silk scarf around the metal to make it pretty,and maybe a feather boa around the neck.
    You can rough ’em up in style, and I’ll talk the sugar.

  199.  #199Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    PERFECT solution Tinque!! I love it…and now I think we have our plans set for next year…lol

    Much Love,

  200.  #200Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Laughing Goddess: I don’t know how to say this in feeling messages, so I’m going to use my own words and you can choose not to engage if you need to. I understand if that’s what you need to do but I want you to know I’m not deliberately disrespecting your boundary…I just don’t know how to do it your way.

    One of the first times I ever commented here was in response to a post about Tinque and her relationship. I let Rori have it. I went absolutely crazy with my anger and I put it out there like you wouldn’t believe. I have since met Tinque in person and we share an amazing friendship. Hardly a day goes by that we don’t email each other about life, love, sex, relationships and friendships.

    The first time Nikita posted here, it was in response to a post about me. She triggered me in a MAJOR way and I did the same to her. We’ve had some additional conversations that were not exactly friendly, but we were both always being our authentic selves. This is actually one of the first conversations we’ve had where we are laughing together and not triggering each other. It is good. (Thank you for initiating it Nikita, I appreciate that very much). We got to know each other through those triggers and we understand where the other one is at.

    On the post right before this one, Gina and Daria and I had a conversation about how I said something that triggered them and caused them to read my comments with some hesitation and sometimes a different meaning than what I actually intended. I understood that because I know that once someone triggers you, it’s hard to see them in any other light. We worked through a lot of that and seem to be healing (as Daria put it). And it all feels really, really good again.

    A couple of comments up, Shannon talked about how I trigger her sometimes, yet Shannon is a follower on my blog and we’ve communicated there and here many, many times.

    A couple of posts back (maybe one or two), I made a comment to AG that was a compliment to her. She said she was surprised and honored because she thought she had alienated me. In fact, I admire her and I never felt that coming from her. We learned that we enjoy each other regardless of style.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is being triggered can be a good thing and amazing friendships can come of it. I sincerely hope that happens with you and me.

    Much Love,

    PS: I hope I didn’t trigger anyone by mentioning specifics and names here. If so, please let me know because it was not my intent (I’m just so grateful for each of you) and I will do what I can to make up for it.

  201.  #201gina on October 1, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    i feel pretty low, but I’ve been walking around loving myself and it does help. I feel needy and irritated and deflated and sad. i feel hot and tired and restless. i feel excited about things happening with my business, i feel doubtful of whether i can muster up enough business to do it full time. I feel amazed that the universe has delivered the opportunities it has so far. I feel anxious and insecure. I feel down. I feel guilty for sleeping instead of doing more this afternoon. I feel ugh! I love my feelings of ugh. I love my tiredness. I love myself for doing the True Beauty stuff. i love that there are untold opportunities ahead. I love that I have so much more time and energy that I could dedicate in order to yield bigger and better results. I love that if I just applied myself a little more, I could be making a good living off the program. I love that there’s a children’s book waiting to be written. i love my roommate. i love that she is patient and kind. I love that we have gotten frustrated in the past and have moved past it. I love that I am patient and kind. i love that I clean up after her when she’s not reaching my standards, and i love that I articulate when she’s not achieving the standards that we can both agree on. I love we live in harmony in our beautiful apartment. i love that we treat each other with respect. i love that we speak well of each other and look out for each other.

  202.  #202gina on October 1, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    about johnny, my mom said “Gina, your too high maintenance. The guy is done, he has lost interest. He has probably moved on to another chick. It doesn’t take much. You’re too difficult! You’re not worth it. He’s moved on. There’s no chance. And maybe you weren’t into him enough. maybe you pushed him away cause you knew if you were nice you’d be stuck with him forever. All I know is that it shouldn’t be this hard. It should be easy. You should be attracted to each other enough to let each other know, and that’s it.”

    those are the thoughts that were going on inside of me all along – did she pick up on them, or help create them?

  203.  #203Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    Gina: your mom’s comments – grrrrr!!!!! – BIG trigger. I would feel so ANGRY at my mother for saying those words! Just the other day, my mom said something about what I was wearing (that I liked) and I felt so defeated and just yucky!! Freakin’ pissed me off!!! I would love for my mother just to be able to look at me and say “It is all okay no matter what you do. You’re a rockstar.” And the key here is not for her to follow it up with “but you’d *really* be a rockstar if you did XYZ, so go do that.” Ugh.

    My mother means well but sometimes her choice of words is well… shitty. So allow me to speak to you as I would want my mother to speak to me….

    You deserve to be high maintenance. Every woman is high maintenance in her own way. So what if this man does not get that about you. So what if he’s not the right one. There is a Mr. Right for you, ma petite. One specially crafted who loves your high maintenance. I believe it Gina with my heart and soul. Now get your ass out there and date. Don’t look back. This one will come back if you give him the space to do it. And if he doesn’t, another one will. I promise.

    Okay, I feel teary and wishful that my mother would say those things AND that I would believe her with my whole heart.

    One more question for you. Are you still circular dating? Johnny seems to be the one on your horse, rather than the one of many men flowing past your pond, ya know? Trust me, I feel empathy. (Just talked to a guy last night that I REALLY connected with. I already feel this pull towards him. But I’m resisting it by dating a lot of other guys so that this can unfold naturally rather than me feeling tunnel vision towards him. I believe that’s the reason for Circular Dating.)

    I love your voice. I love your ups and your downs. It encourages me and feels REAL to me. It’s not all sunshine and roses, and I LOVE that about you. And now I feel worried that I just sound like a good ol’ fashioned pep talk, but hey, sometimes it feels good to do that. So be it.

  204.  #204laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Hi Mercedes:

    I feel appreciative that you made the effort to communicate with me (even if it wasn’t in feeling messages ;-).

    I feel the desire to clarify what I meant when I said that I would only engage with you if you were using feeling messages. I didn’t mean that I expect you or anyone else to use feeling messages here ALL the time. I just meant that in a situation that is emotionally charged, I feel much safer and connected when feeling messages are used. I know for me, when I talk that way, it forces me to take responsibility for my emotions. When I get lost in stories, logic, and reasoning, I find that the conversation just becomes a battle of words and that is what I was not interested in doing. I want to feel connected to myself and others, and I find that feeling messages are a good way for me to do that.

    I feel very tired right now. I had a very busy day work wise and I feel concerned that due to my tiredness, I may have not communicated well just now. Oh well, I feel that I did the best I could at the moment and it will have to do. I feel accepting of myself and where I am in this moment.

    The reason I felt triggered this morning is because of the interaction I read between you and Erika on her blog. I felt angry and protective of her because, based on my interpretation of the conversation, it seemed like you were being argumentative and not really hearing what she was saying. I noticed the same tone on Rori’s post before this where Erika was sharing her take on something and it seemed like you sort of shot her down. I want to reiterate that this was just my interpretation. I’m not saying this was your intention, that is just how it felt to me…my judgment. As I spend more time on this blog, I am learning that this may just be your style of communication, tough love.

    I feel interested in exploring further why I am triggered by this style. I feel open to getting to know you better and I feel optimistic that we could be friends. I feel touched by the openness and risk taking that I see happening with the sirens here. I feel inspired. I feel love. I wish you the best and I appreciate your presence (even if I feel triggered by it at times)


  205.  #205Ann on October 1, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Sometimes I don’t feel my voice is heard here or I trigger others when that wasn’t my intention. I appreciate when they let me know and try to explain where I’m coming from. My voice speaks from my experiences and I use thoughts and feelings.

    I’ve talked to Mercedas here, on her blog and in private. I personally like Mercedes and her voice. But because I can sometimes seem very blunt I understand why others might be offended but she like myself will clarify if asked. Simply Shannon I think you said what I felt better than I can LOL

    Mercedes, Tinque I’m jealous wish I lived close enough to you to meet each of you. Heck I wish there was a real “Siren Island we could all meet on.

    And Gina you said: my mom said “ Gina, your too high maintenance. The guy is done, he has lost interest. He has probably moved on to another chick. It doesn’t take much. You’re too difficult! ”

    I’ve had people say the same thing to me to come back a few months down the road to say “I want to be more like you.” For me I’m working on finding the balance of when to be tough and when to be softer.

  206.  #206gina on October 1, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    thanks so much Simply Shannon. who doesn’t like a pep talk?? I totally could use one and I appreciate it. I like your version of what my mom “should’ve” said. I hope I can be that way as a mom. I wonder if mom’s get triggered and say weird controlling judgmental things cause of their own stuff. I do need to date. I’ve been saying no to guys, telling myself that flirting is close enough to dating, but it’s not working. AND when i have hung out with guys lately, i compare them with johnny which sucks. but I do feel grateful for all that i’m learning. Thanks again SS – I felt a burst of loving compassionate positive energy coming my way through your message – thank you thank you.

  207.  #207laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    I feel very loving right now. I feel remembering of many times where I have had challenging moments with friends which eventually brought us closer together.

    Mercedes: I have noticed you mention a few times that your intentions have been misunderstood. I don’t know exactly how to say this…but i think maybe that’s the point of feeling messages. Maybe people would experience less misunderstand you better if you made an effort to share your feelings more.

    I feel hopeful that you won’t get triggered by this comment. I really mean it in the nicest way. 🙂

  208.  #208gina on October 1, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    about my mom’s comment though – when she said that I’m high maintenance, she wasn’t referring to the godessy ways. she was also referring to the fact that I got triggered and made him feel bad. That feels crummy cause I don’t believe that a man or anyone else is ever going to love that part of me cause I don’t love it. It’s one thing to be “high maintenance” cause I love myself and want a man to give me the care and respect I think i deserve. It’s another thing to have my own hangups and expect a good quality guy to take the blows cause of them. so in that sense, I don’t really blame my mom – she wants me to stop being defensive with men. It would be nice if she was encouraging. but I do appreciate that she tells it like she sees it. but i also feel curious about which way you ladies are interpreting “high maintenance” and whether you are referring to genuinely negative qualities when you say that people will love and admire them?

  209.  #209nikita on October 1, 2009 at 11:38 pm


    I was thinking Johnny lost his job…or was I feeling it?
    I wanted to tell you to text him if you were intending to text him;
    “the suspense feels like too much…..eta on
    those details?”.
    when you were going through your long 5 hours…but I didn’t want to tell you what to do.

    I feel laser-like focus from you to him. grasping energy….pressure valve.

    please say yes to the other guys….you are soooooo gorgeous….feel gorgeous…please, for little nikita 😉

    Johnny might need some time…..replacing his job, it feels easier to give them that work space when other men are giving us experiences and laughs…it keeps us light….like a cool gentle breeze…

    I mean well…

    xoxo nikita

  210.  #210Daria on October 2, 2009 at 3:07 am

    Mercedes –

    I feel triggered. I feel mistrustful. I still feel like the comment Was implicitly directed at me. I feel frustrated trying to provide evidence why I feel that way.

    I feel uncomfortable saying just this much.

    the comment was something like: I don’t agree blindly with everything a dating coach says

    my thoughts say that there was no reason for this comment, other than to imply that I, who had been posting triggered responses to your posts, DO do this.

    of course you don’t agree blindly, neither do I.

    I feel stuck because I don’t know how to “show” exactly how or why this triggered me.

    I still feel mistrustful of your intent. I feel guilty about feeling mistrustful. I feel cornered and confused, I feel angry and defensive and feel like i am struggling for clarity. I feel like I am being manipulated and lied to in a passive agressive way. I feel guilty saying that. I do not want to say that THIS IS FOR SURE WHAT’s Going on. That’s how I FEEL though.

    I have a friend who makes certain comments about me praising me, but she Overdoes it, to where her intent to me appears to actually put me down. When I have mentioned it to her she says oh but I was saying good things about you. It feels frustrating trying to pinpoint exactly what it is about her tone and the way she says things that makes it feel like undermining rather than praising. But it feels very clear to me with her. Also other people have understood me when I explain it, although it feels confusing.

    This kind of reminds me of that in a weird, not totally related way. I guess because i think it’s easy to say,,, oh no I didn’t mean that,,, since things can have double or subtle meanings.

    I feel doubtful of myself and of you too.

    I feel confused.

    I love myself.

    I feel guilty.

    I feel often like I’m a “cold uncaring bitch” are the words that come to mind. I feel proud of being a cold uncaring bitch because I relate that to being powerful, and I feel good being powerful. I also feel alone, isolated, and bad being a cold uncaring bitch. This is an altogether other topic. I feel confused. I feel guilty. I love my guilt. I love my confusion.

    I feel bitter. I love my bitterness. I feel angry and stuck. I love my anger and stuckness.

    I freakin let this woman but in on my conversation with a man and basically disrespect me. I stuffed down my anger. I felt glad to notice the trigger because now I can think up different behaviors. Like… saying… oh wow… this doesnt feel good, Im actually feeling angry, and I feel disrespected. I don’t want to tolerate this

    and then I would either 1) walk away
    or 2) glare at her and stand my ground

    the other option would be to Smack her. I felt scared of that though because I feel worried of going to jail.

    I feel ashamed of not having smaked her or said something. I feel good also that I resist urges to smak people. I feel good that I am not beating myself up about this as much as in the past, but actually realized that I have a choice to Rejoice about noticing this trigger and getting a chance to “work” on it…

    Nikita and other sirens… what do you think about another woman who buts in on a conversation I’m having with a man, rudely? What is an empowering way to react?

    usually I go silent and ignore it, my second option which I almost never exercise is violence. When I go silent and ignore it however, I feel so AWFUL that it haunts me for days, weeks, even years. I almost always wish I HAD actually resorted to violence.

    I’m sure there are other ways though, so that’s what I’m interested in… I have just felt in the past too triggered and stuck…

    Thank you.

    I feel tense in my back

  211.  #211Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 6:15 am

    Daria: Your post triggered me. That’s all I have to say about it right now.

    Laughing Goddess: Thank you for your response. I think you did word it very well. I understand that most people here use and value feeling messages very much. I am no exception. The difference with me is that my feelings are very private to me. I use feeling messages with my bf when the conversation is something very important to me and I really, really need him to hear me. Because I don’t use them often, when I do it makes a HUGE impact. I believe (personal belief) that if I used them with him all the time, they’d lose the impact. That’s what works for me in my relationship. As far as feeling messages here…well…like I said, my feelings are very private. I respect every person here and how they choose to voice themselves…no matter if its feeling messages or facts, I respect their authenticity. If I were to use them only because someone else wants me to, it would not be authentic…at all and I wouldn’t be able to respect myself. I use them here when its important to me and when it feels good. I don’t use them when I feel silly or forced.

    So yes, you will hear my story a lot. You will hear about what I think a lot. My own blog is my story on virtually every post. And…in my experience with counseling and with teaching, my personality is such that my story helps me connect with others very quickly. That may not be true for everyone who posts on this blog, but in general, sharing my story has connected me with so, so many people and I cherish that. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

    I have a masculine voice. I used logic and reason a lot more than I use feelings. I have a strong position at work and I don’t bring feelings or emotions into it. That is who I am. I think if they ever saw me cry at work, they’d call the National Guard because it would be a clear sign that something horrible happened. LOL. It is in me and I love it. The thing I love most about this blog is that Rori has never asked me to change. She welcomes my voice regarless of style and has not one time asked me to change the way I word things. I understand that’s going to trigger some people. If I’m going to be authentic though…that’s how I will have to be. Not everyone will understand or like it. But for me, being open, honest and authentic are the most important things.

    As far as the interaction between Erika and me….well…if you read the recent comments, you will see that a man was allowed to be very, very disrespectful to me as a woman and when I retaliated (which I will always do when I am disrespected) he was allowed to carry it even further. I won’t be reading or posting there any longer, so you have no worries about seeing an interation like that ever again where the two of us are concerned.

    I hope that makes sense and I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

    Much Love,

  212.  #212heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 7:00 am

    Feeling Messages as a Tool, not a Rule = I practice connection with my emotions and that which is received by me via my senses.

    Feeling Messages as Communication = following on from my practising connection with my self… I need not waste time in heated discussions labouring a point… I make a straightforward statement that feels authentic, with an open heart.

  213.  #213heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 7:07 am

    I cannot remember Rori advocating using feeling messages all the time. I like to practice them here. I notice how often I now connect to my feelings everyday, and how often it has been the missing aspect in my communication.

    I will often pause and delete much of a letter or email, replacing the words with a simple feeling message. “On Sunday we picked rosehips and blackberries and sloes. Then I made jam and syrup” Zip back… delete the recipe instructions “I felt like a happy little girl again, 5 years old with sticky hands”.

  214.  #214heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Perhaps my last comment should go on the new post.

    I like switching from yin to yang. And vice-versa. I feel like there’s more of me.

  215.  #215Simply Shannon on October 2, 2009 at 7:13 am

    Gina: High maintenance is just being who we are and not feeling the need to defend or apologize when we are acting a certain way. I’m still feeling triggered by your mom post because my mom did this to me again this morning (implying that somehow I am incapable of taking care of myself. ARGHHHHH!!!).

    And I guess I’m still not seeing these negative qualities that you see in yourself. How in the world did you make him feel bad? You asked him what body part he liked. Just because HE got offended does NOT mean that YOU offended him. His feelings, his problem.

    Ok, I definitely went in boy mode just then. Let me try that again in girl mode.

    If I was in that situation, I would feel confused by Johnny’s response to your question about body parts. I feel annoyed by his inability to just go with the moment and give a response. I would feel sad that the moment of feeling good had passed. I don’t want to feel awkward and confused, especially when I’m feeling intimate and trying to be vulnerable. I don’t want to feel bad for asking a question. I would feel shut out and disconnected from him and from the moment. I would feel like saying “oh ok” and getting up and doing something else that was fun.

    I would not want to twist around the story so that *I* have to feel guilty about anything I’ve done or said. I can say I feel bad that we disconnected but I don’t have to apologize for my question. It was an innocent question with no malicious intent.

    Phew. Okay, I feel really tense and defensive but the strength of it feels good too. Tree trunk spine, cotton candy skin.

  216.  #216Simply Shannon on October 2, 2009 at 7:19 am

    And now I feel amazed at the two versions of my post above. When I read the boy mode, I feel tense, ready to pounce, angry. When I read the girl mode, it sounds so much softer. Literally in my head, I can “hear” my voice change to soft feminine. That is so crazy cool to me! 🙂

  217.  #217heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 7:24 am

    Wow – synchronicity! – just received Rori’s latest email.

    Heart Connection Toolkit – I got so much from this programme – it was the first I bought, after the e-book, a couple of years back. I feel like celebrating now.

  218.  #218heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 7:28 am

    Shannon – I do the same, when I re-write or re-think a message, letter or conversation. It just feels sooo different from the feminine aspect, so much lighter and real!

  219.  #219Eileen Mary on October 2, 2009 at 8:08 am

    Sent to me by a man I met on tagged and think all will find it interesting the nature of women. I sum it up as we cry because wee feel things deep in our hearts.

    Why Women Cry
    Watch her eyes

    A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him.

    “I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.”

    Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?”

    “All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say.

    The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..

    Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?”

    God said

    “When I made the woman she had to be special.

    I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,yet gentle enough to give comfort.

    I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

    I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

    I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

    I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

    I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

    And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.”

    “You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

    The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”

  220.  #220Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 8:26 am

    Eileen: That is beautiful…thank you for sharing it with us.

    Much Love,

  221.  #221Eileen Mary on October 2, 2009 at 9:02 am

    So glad you liked it. It came at a perfect time for me after just watching my Modern Siren DVD’s. From a man, proving as Rori’s says there are good men out there. 🙂

    Love to you also,

  222.  #222tinque on October 2, 2009 at 9:15 am

    Eileen Mary – I second that.

    Ann – There’s no reason to be jealous. Miss M and I got together when I drove through from CA to CT. The synchronicity of our meeting was perfect in all ways.
    Yet we are all meeting in beautiful ways right here every day.

    Gina – Mothers do indeed say things that arise from their own hurts and traumas. They do they best they can given the inadequate tools they were given growing up. They didn’t necessarily have a “Rori” to show them another way.

    Heartbeat – Love everything you say, such lovely choice of words.

  223.  #223laughing goddess on October 2, 2009 at 9:45 am


    Thanks for communicating. I feel more understanding of where you are coming from. I feel accepting. I feel that “it’s all good”. I feel happy that you have found something that works for you.

    I feel great that I have learned to use feeling messages because they work well for me. I feel my tension melting away when I use feeling messages. I feel connected to myself. When I hear others use feeling messages, I find that I feel more connected to them. In the past, I have always felt more comfortable using masculine communication and I feel excited to learn something new.

    Thanks again for sharing Mercedes. I feel happy that I am getting to know you better!

  224.  #224Nikita on October 2, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Yay! Thank you Eileen 🙂

  225.  #225Eileen Mary on October 2, 2009 at 9:50 am


    You are absolutely right about mother’s being giving inadequate tools.

    I just got a call from my best friend who’s mother gave her an ultimatum 29 years ago to either divorce her 20 year old husband and not move with him or lose her family. Her mother was sexually and physically abused by as a child. Married a man who says be in the bedroom in an hour when he wants sex and has sexually abused his own daughters. It is sad my friends Mom never got help and chalks a husbands abuses up to them just being men.

    My friend has an abusive husband. Beat her 18 years ago once. I witnessed it, it was brutal. Now she is a disabled CNA and is told she is a decrepit disabled worthless old bitch. She ruined his life. Well that is just the way men are, he doesn’t mean it, according to her Mom. Not!!!

    She had been depressed for years and recently found her first husband on the internet and the family is outraged spreading all sorts of stories about him being abusive to her and upsetting her children and damaging their relationship with her.

    First husband apologized for leaving in his youth, feels whatever bad happened in her life is his fault. Wants to make it up to her and has always loved her. He has even relocated his job to be closer to where she lives.

    She is a strong woman with a big heart and I keep telling her that, along with talk to her therapist. but today he sister is telling her children their mother is making Grandma sick and reduced one daughter to tears. Well she is in touch with her emotions right now, outrage, indignation and the mother bear is coming out in her.

    As her therapist says she has to follow her own heart.

    Love and strength to all

  226.  #226Nikita on October 2, 2009 at 9:50 am

    Hi Daria,

    I need to reread your post but for now, if I really want to punch her in the face I excuse myself…ladies room, phone call….and I whisper in his ear…..that I’ll be right back.

    I’ve also used compliments to distract another woman, blatantly interrupting her. Omg! I love your shoes!
    That usually throws them off-balance and keeps you composed, loving, and elegant.

  227.  #227Eileen Mary on October 2, 2009 at 10:01 am


    Feeling empowered, still basking in the glow from Modern Siren. 🙂 Yes good stuff is out there if we keep ourselves open to it.

    As posted to Tinque a friend is going through a terrible time especially today, but even in that she is finding her strength, good stuff and taking control of her life. I am playing her cheerleader. 😉

  228.  #228alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    heartbeat congrats on your ring. 🙂

  229.  #229heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Oh hey Alias Girl – thank you!! Feels good to hear from you, I’m always cheering you from the wings even though I’ve not commented regularly recently xxxx

  230.  #230Ms. Barnes on October 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    This comment is for Mercedes:
    I read your letter. Thank you.
    Yes, I do have alot of anger. And honestly I don’t know what he wants. You mentioned some points that you think is great about my guy:
    1. You think the counseling is great………Now he wants counseling. He said he would set it up. I haven’t heard a name, got an address, phone number to where I can meet him. He saids whatever sounds good. He never follows up. I haven’t heard a thing about the couseling. I on the other hand have set up 3 different forms of counseling and he did not stay for non of them. One of the counseling was even indirect. It was at a church. The church had a communication’s lab once a month on a Friday night. The pastor said God had called for him and his wife to do this for all people not just for the members of his church. You had to be engaged, thinking about marriage or married to attend. It WAS FREE Mercedes!
    We could sit and listen to other couples talk about their marriage and get ideas for our own relationship. We didn’t have to say a word. He made us leave early.

    2. Leave it to beaver: That’s my interpretation. I said that because he doesn’t like me to talk back or speak my mind. He has a low opinion of women. He’s 50 and he comes from that time. Women – Quiet – Barefoot and Pregnant.
    He thinks that a man can do what he wants and the woman should never say a word. So that’s why I said Leave it to Beaver. I never saw Mrs. Cleaver rise up against Mr. Cleaver. The Cosby show, Clair spoke her mind. That is what I do….speak my mind……very clearly. Didn’t mean to mislead you. Besides, the men in both of those shows did their part. My guy stopped doing his part and yet I should “act right” and be “respectful”.

    3. As far as my guy e-mailing Rori’s coaching…..I don’t know. I just got angry. First of all the subject said “He’ll want you back when you do this” I don’t know if that’s Rori’s tittle or if he put that in the subject area. I thought whaaaaaaaaaat!?? Then I just flipped. I thought here we go. He wants me to do all the work while he continues to show his ass.
    I don’t know how he found this site. I’m afraid to hope that he has good intent. Especially when I saw the tittle in the subject area of what he sent of Rori’s message. I think I was more angry with the tittle than the message.
    Anyway, I’m glad that I read your letter even though it was written to Rori about me.
    Then, I took my anger out on Rori.

    We don’t live physically together. He calls and I ignore his calls. I listen to the messages and if he’s saying the same old bull shit, I press delete and take the kids to the park. I don’t answer him anymore. He’s full of it. More than you know.
    I’m just tired. I’m in the process of taking my life back fully. I have alot going for me at 31 and I want to keep it.
    So, I’m deciding if I want to be bothered with him or not. Right now, he’s singing the same old song with a different tune.
    I have alot on my plate. I want to complete my goals for my own happiness. Dealing with my guy takes away to much of my time and energy.
    At this point in my life I like putting my time and energy into my business, my kids, continuing a higer degree than what I have and so much more. I notice, since I have ignored him – I’m more peaceful.
    I do love him. I’m in LOVE with him. But………..he drives me crazy.
    Right now I’m learning to LOVE on me…………I like it. I’ve joined the gym, I take bubble baths just loving on me right now.
    Just thinking about all of his broken promises and the list gos on…………makes me ill.
    I like the peace. I’m in a different place right now……I don’t know what it’s called……….but I like it.
    I’m giving ME the attention, time and love that I gave him.
    Yall call it lean back……………..I like ignore………………makes me feel powerful.
    Thanks for your sprinkle of care.
    Ms. Barnes

  231.  #231gina on October 2, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Nikita, thanks for your words – I agree that I’ve been mega super duper focused on Johnny. Last night I went out and absorbed the attention of another man, and it felt good. By the way, he was laid off and is going through a tough time.

    Simply Shannon – I don’t think I made him feel bad with the question about body parts, I’m referring to the fact that I got so totally introverted and completely shut off from him. He asked me what I was thinking, and I didn’t respond, he said he could read my mind, and it was clear that he thought I was ripping him apart in my head. i saw him responding as if I was, and i became aware of his insecurities, which seemed to heighten his miserable experience. I’ve been OBSESSED with that little episode cause I couldn’t quite figure out WHY I behaved that way. I saw that I was avoiding intimacy, but I couldn’t figure out what triggered me and I felt awful about the idea that I can behave in a strange way and push someone away without even knowing why.

    Well today I had an ‘aha!’ moment – I realized what it was that triggered me: he had made a couple of small comments that had a tinge of criticism to them, and I felt myself bristle, but I pushed it aside and acted like it didn’t bother me, but I totally shut down. and I didn’t even put it together that the reason I was shutting down was because i didn’t like what he said and I didn’t voice it. When I asked him about body parts, I was noticing that he seemed to exhibit self control by lying on top of me, not being sexual at all (and I felt stifled by his self control), and I wanted to know what all that self control was about. i asked him “what’s your favorite body part on a woman” to provoke him into sharing his thoughts. I respect that he refused to objectify me, and I realized that he was trying to please me. My feelings of being stifled, judged and controlled weren’t at the forefront of my mind – like I wasn’t completely conscious of how I was feeling, and I wasn’t in control of how I was behaving. But now that I have a hold on what happened, I feel MUCH better. From now on, if I feel criticized or if I don’t like something, I’ll do my best consciously take care of those feelings – either by expressing them or walking away, or SOMETHING, so that they don’t take over.

  232.  #232alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    yes heartbeat i felt thrilled when i read that a while back. i feel so excited about how things have unfolded and sort of blossomed nicely with you and your man. i feel inspired. i feel teary. i feel appreciative of you and your vulnerability and sharing.

  233.  #233Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Ms Barnes: You said everything so clearly in this last post. I feel your anger and your sadness and your determination…and all in such a constructive way. The way you worded it leaves a lot less room for my interpretation and much more room for what truly is happening…authentically in your heart and your mind…and it was beautiful!!!

    Everything you are doing here…is exactly what Rori teaches. These tools are all about working on ourselves, from the inside out. Its about taking care of us…living our own lives…being happy because we are beautiful and because we deserve better. You will hear us refer to ourselves as “goddesses”….we believe that and we strive to have relationships where our men believe it too. Everything you are doing is exactly what a goddess would do. As I stated earlier, you are a natural. Your anger being directed at Rori is something I personally am very familiar with…so I understand it. Working from inside of yourself and learning where that angry is REALLY coming from will help you in so many ways.

    Personally, I share this site as well as my own blog with my boyfriend…but that’s where we are in our relationship. I can’t tell you what your guy’s motives were…I just chose to see the best in him (and you may not be ready to do that just yet…I can certainly understand that).

    I also know what its like to want the counseling and for my guy not to want it. My ex did that to me too. From your first comment, I thought he was initiating and you were the one who wasn’t interested. I can see how you would now distrust his desire to go to counseling.

    You are in the right place. I know the email triggered you…and that’s okay. But regardless of your guys intentions for sending you that email, I hope you can see it as a blessing. You will meet women here on several different stages of their journey. You will find support. You will find humor. Sometimes, you will find your anger or your fear. Whatever you find, it will be with open hearts and good intentions.

    I hope some of this helps and I hope you stick around. We all learn a lot from each other and I believe you wil too.

    Can someone here tell Ms. Barnes where a good place is to start? I recommend the ebook highly and the other programs (esp Modern Siren) but what about the blog. Where is a good place to begin? I just sort of jumped in….

    Please stick around Ms Barnes…you are in a good place.

    Much Love,

  234.  #234Ms. Barnes on October 2, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Just to clear up……the 3 different counseling efforts I made was done a couple of years ago.
    Now this butt hole wants counseling……he is soooo fake.
    He said he would call me Mercedes. He has called and said other stuff, but No info on the couseling. That was 2 weeks ago.
    Oh………….peep this, the info I did get………….he said this on one of my messages : “the counselor people are moving and the lady didn’t call me back. I went to try and find the place but it was the wrong place. So I’m going to let them call me back. And my back went out so I need you to come over and give me a back rub.”

    Does this type of voice mail sound like a promise of counseling to you Mercedes?
    So I continue to ignore him, and love on me for now.
    Anyway, thanks again.

  235.  #235alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    ah ms barnes, i feel softening. i feel supportive.

    gina i feel excited about your journey.

    when i was with 21 yr old i had a moment when i said, “i feel shy.” he said, “i don’t like that.”

    “you don’t like that? you don’t like that i feel shy?” i repeated.

    “I don’t like that.” he said again.

    “no es mi problema.” I said back.

    and he got angry.

    i said, “you said you don’t like it. there is nothing i can do about it. it’s not my problem.”

    we both let it drop but i did realize i could have expressed myself better. but the good news is i was right in the moment. i was in the moment when i expressed my feelings of shyness and i was in the moment when i felt my feelings of feeling rejected or disapproved of. so yae! success! now i can tweak and sort of maybe say – ‘I FEEL disapproved of.’ or ‘i feel rejected.’ rather than “no es mi problema”


  236.  #236Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Ms Barnes: Continue to love on you. I would have deleted the message too. And I also would have NOT (ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!) gone over to give the back rub.

    What I see in you is so much anger. Allow this time of loving on yourself to show in you. Show your love for you. You will learn here to take all of your focus off of him (you are still very focused on him…with name calling and angry words about him) and put it all on you. Meaning not just the physical stuff you are doing here, but mentally and emotionally as well. Physically, you are putting almost no energy into him (and that’s a good thing) but mentally and emotionally, he’s draining you. Focus that part of you onto yourself as well. You will find yourself soften and you will learn that none of this is about HIM. He has his own stuff. It’s all about you. If he calls with specific information about counseling, search your heart to see what feels good. If he doesn’t…keep deleting the messages.

    I’m being very “coach” like here. I hope that doesn’t offend you. I just care so much…not just a sprinkeling…a LOT. And I would love so much to see you at a truly peaceful place…even where he is concerned.

    Much Love,

  237.  #237Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    I haven’t been able to spell right all day!!! LOL

  238.  #238Daria on October 2, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    Alias Girl… hey thanks for that situation where he says I don’t like that you feel shy (because often I feel shy)
    I would say…

    ooooh… that feels bad… (crinkly face as I check for feelings) I feel ANGRY!

    Mercedes I feel glad you feel triggered. I feel kind of revengeful. I feel shaky writing that. I feel worried of feeling judged or attacked. I feel guilty a little bit. I feel like my “cold uncaring bitch” side is coming out and I love her. I feel guilty. I want to say… sorry I feel this way, but I don’t want to say that. eh that feels gross even writing. I don’t want to feel sorry I feel this way. Actually I don’t. I feel glad to feel my feeligs. The “sorry” is really I feel guilty. I love my guilt.

    PS I feel angry whenever I read that your feeling messages are private. I feel less than and I feel furious and judgemental.

    Ms. Barnes indeed this is a good place. It feels good that you are owning your anger. Many of us started out from NOT owning. This is a place we can practice feeling messages here, speaking our anger without judgements or thoughts.

    When we “get” it, it feels strong yet vulnerable.

    Right now I hear your strong anger feeling, and it feels good. I hear some judgements and I feel uncomfortable and squeamish, and judgemental.

    I feel great that you are focusing on YOU. That is an AMAZING step, a HUGE baby step. I honor your anger.

    Nikita thank you for the tips about the whisper and about the compliment.

    I might experiment with more directness like speaking directly in a feeling message to her. Like wow this doesnt feel good. I feel shocked. Im feeling angry and disrespected. Whatsup?

    When I feel disrespected I start feeling tight in my chest, my arms feel numb and heavy, my heart beets fast, my tummy tightens, my head starts feeling like wind is tornadoing in it…

    my head starts racing that if I hit her I can get in trouble, I feel stuck and in my head overcome by the sensations I mentioned above, and mostly try to shut them down

    I WILL move through this. YAY.

    YAY me.

    I feel triggered just imagining those things. I feel my chest getting hot. The little voice, person in my head starts imagining scenarios, mostly like calling her a bitch and then beating her up type of scenarios. She gets all happy and jumping up and down like a 5 year old. I also feel afraid I think. I feel worried I will scar my face. I feel worried I will feel humiliated. I feel worried of “getting in trouble.”

    I feel HORRIBLE feeling like I am being walked over and disrespected. I DON’t WANT to feel this way and I FEEL FURIOUS.

  239.  #239Daria on October 2, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Mercedes – I love what you wrote to Ms. Barnes. I didn’t realize you were being coachlike. If so it felt wonderful. I didn’t feel anything close to offended. I felt touched and loved and supported. Thank you. You must be a great coach.

  240.  #240heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Thank you so much Alias Girl – I feel soft and expanded and appreciative of your sharing too. I’m letting your words soak in even though I felt a bit shy.

    I felt sad when I read your date’s response to you feeling shy. I felt angry too. I love that you said you felt shy. I love my shyness too. xxxx

  241.  #241heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Ms Barnes I’m glad you’re here, and I love your sparky spirit 🙂

    I feel appreciative of Mercedes & Tinque’s input and celebrate the support here.

  242.  #242heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    I second that, Daria!

  243.  #243Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Daria and Heartbeat: Thanks for the compliments. *blushing*

    Much Love,

  244.  #244heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    I’ve been thinking about this a lot – about what it is to be here as me, and not as a th******* (see – I still don’t want to say it) and how I feel about receiving from others. It feels such a gift to have FREE coaching and a free space to engage – wow isn’t that something?! I feel blessed. And yes there are times I feel reflective, and coaching might feel intrusive, but I don’t want a rule about it. I imagine it is a very brave thing to comment here as a coach. Like in the outside world, people will give me advice and some of it is wise, some not, and sometimes I’ve asked and sometimes not. At the end of the day, how I receive it depends on what space I’m in.

    But I feel it is a very brave thing, all the same. And I’m grateful some people are willing to do it.

  245.  #245heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    and willing to support others, and I learn a lot from that. I feel safe.

  246.  #246Flipper on October 2, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Ms. Barnes – I, too, was struck by your naturally goddessy attitude about how you want to be. For some basic tools to help yourself get even more in touch with All of You and strengthen your power even further, look in the “Power & Self Esteem” section and try out the riffing and flipping, etc. Though I wonder, maybe you’re already doing something like that without calling it that? Cuz obviously you’ve already come up with a lot of the basic concepts: ‘ignoring’ is called ‘leaning back’ here, deleting the calls feels like a kind of ‘walking away’, and ‘loving on me’ sounds like ‘go do something that makes yourself feel good’.

    Daria, sounds like you’re feeling frustrated with not getting to the better place you usually manage to wind up in after some of this latest triggering (….guilt, lingering upset….). Could ‘reframing’ help? or asking ‘Can I know for sure what someone’s implication was?’

    As for me, I don’t see anyway to keep myself from having opinions and judgments on things and these will naturally be felt somewhat by others. The very fact that I make a choice to believe X (and so disbelieve Y) ‘implies’ that I think Y is not as good, so I’ll feel that believers of Y may be wrong or pig-headed or dangerous or naîve or uniformed or have bad taste or whatever, according to Y’s meaning for me. But my assertion or implication about X is made essentially as an expression of me, not in relation to someone else’s eventual belief in Y. I still feel ‘bad’ about maybe inadvertently stepping on toes or worse. I feel almost jealous of your graphic desires to punch people!

    AG – thanks for your loving acknowledgement a ways back.

  247.  #247tinque on October 2, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    I leave for a couple of hours and so much happens.

    Ms. Barnes _ I’m SO happy you came back to see what we had to say to you.
    You on your own are doing brilliantly, doing what feels GOOD to YOU, taking care of yourself physically and spiritually, but I more than agree with Miss M, your brain is on him like a flea on a cat. You MUST let that go, quiet those mean little voices inside. Your anger is great; maybe it’s justified, maybe it’s not, but it doesn’t matter. This is indeed draining out whatever you’ve been putting in.
    FEEL your anger, for only by sinking so deeply into this feeling will you be able to transform it. Anger is something you don’t want to allow to fester. It will eat at you and destroy you. So SINK into it. Observe your feelings. Watch if the anger shifts, changes into something else, and FEEL this new feeling.
    It’s only when you’re able to clear out this stuff will you be able to make a choice that is right for you. STAY or LEAVE. Right now your anger is clouding true vision.
    And this is ALL good.
    You are a natural at it. You just need a little nudge as to what to do with all of this.
    I hope you stay.
    We all support you and wish for you to FEEL better, better than you ever have before maybe.

  248.  #248Rori Raye on October 2, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Ms. Barnes — so glad to hear from you again. You sound like a fabulous woman, and I want to send you love and encouragement to follow the path you’re already on …taking really, really good care of YOU…loving YOU so hard that no man can throw you off balance. I know, for me, the worst of being in a situation like this is that we start to want to beat ourselves up for standing for this kind of stuff for so long…and then of course we feel enraged — and it’s all righteous anger because the man is SO disappointing us…and we end up just filled with anger and negativity and no place to put it but on ourselves. So – the only rule I have here is that you’re not allowed to beat yourself up. And the way to move through this kind of thing is to feel all that anger, and then baby-step your way to a better place – which is exactly what you’re doing! We’re all affected by stuff deep inside of us that we can’t easily get to, and I believe that we go through these kinds of painful situations in order to heal ourselves…and then change that old pattern and get a magnificent, happy relationship instead. So glad to have your contribution here, and hope you’ll stick around and work with us all. Love, Rori

  249.  #249Rori Raye on October 2, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Ms. Barnes – I love this phrase of yours “I’ll love on me…” Really, really cool. You go girl. Love, Rori

  250.  #250Ann on October 2, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    MS Barnes welcome. I can feel, hear and understand your anger. I hope you’ll stick around, continue to read and comment. I feel no matter what your man’s reason was for sending you this link, he did something good for you. I’m glad he sent you the link, I enjoy hearing how others perceive the tools and how they do things in their own life.

  251.  #251Ann on October 2, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Eileen Mary thank you. I felt “Why Women Cry Watch her eyes” was so beautiful I posted it on my facebook.

  252.  #252nikita on October 2, 2009 at 9:26 pm


    Been out all day…reread your post….it feels to vague to gauge.
    Are you dating this guy?
    Were you in a bar? (drunk people can forget about boundaries/manners)
    Did you watch for his reaction?
    Did she attack you verbally?
    …or was she just so about her(self-preoccupied)?

    I can get pretty rude in the field…..e.g.,
    if the convo is serious….”did you know how to say excuse me when you interrupt two adults engrossed in conversation?”….yeah, I can get nasty and I say it with an icy expectant stare. I don’t recommend it but I like setting the stage for anyone that wants to play in my sandbox…..
    lol-my favorite is when a guy says something crude…and curses around me..
    I say; “do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
    It’s so old school…but I digress,

    What on earth did she do that warranted so much rage?
    yes it is impolite but is there a history with this woman?


  253.  #253Teresa on October 2, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Just venting, using this as an outlet for my feelings…

    I feel really bad.
    I feel like i’ve been neglected lately, like “our family” has just been abandoned because he feels like doing something else.

    he feels like seeing this person, having fun doing what he’s doing, so it doesn’t concern him to call me at night, or to text me throughout the day, or to make plans with me. it’s all about him and how that feels more exciting right now. he professes to care and love me so much, but if he did he wouldn’t abandon us just because he appreciates someone else.

    and i am angry because i feel like i should have a say in who it is as well. he is mad that i don’t like her, but i can read right into her eyes. she has no concern at all for anyone’s feelings except hers.

    he seems to only think bad things about me, as much as he says good things, he seems to think a mind full of negative things as well.

    like that i just don’t have any friends (even though half the friends we have are people we’ve MET and gotten to know, NOT people he introduced me to), and my friends are scattered throughout the country, including my sister who has always been very close. my closest friends HERE have to work a lot and our schedules dont mesh up that easily. He accused me today of having more guy friends than girl friends, and how he thinks that’s BS because all my gfs i just “badmouth” and find something to not like about them, (there have been a HANDFUL of girls in our circle that I did not trust because of things they did to our other friends– HE is the only person who did not see these things, our other friends do)
    he is still telling me that if i stay at the house, a job and paying rent and so on will “start me on the road to EARNING the respect I so much want and deserve”. and that he would have the ideal situation where he could keep my friendship and also have help with rent.

    I should not have to constantly EARN his respect and trust.
    again, i just feel abandoned because in the last couple of weeks he’s just decided to do what he wants rather than care at all about what I want and feel.
    He LOOKS like he’s caring about what i feel, he OFFERED to help me find a living situation, help me load and unload my things, etc.
    But this is about what HE wants, not about what I want, or about our relationship that he suddenly just decided is over because he likes something else that’s going on at the moment.

    my stomach is hungry because I don’t feel like eating, I am tired, I am feeling so weak and I am just feeling like crying all day.
    he is in philadelphia for a cousins wedding right now.

    i feel replaced, like he just filled in the space that i belong in with someone else’s text messages, someone elses phone calls, someone else’s body, someone else’s time.

    a true measure of a man’s character is where he stands in difficulty.

    he doesn’t sound like he even wants to date me again. i want to feel like he has interest in seeing each other or at least in seeing each other in the near future.

    of course i know this can change at any moment, as you can see from all his other behaviour, anyone can be inspired.. but..

    i feel so uncared about.

    i want so much to feel happy the way I have felt all this time, I want to feel like he loves me the way he has always. I want so much to hear his voice tonight calling to tell me about his day and that he misses me, and goodnight. but i don’t even want to talk to him.

    i feel like .. about our friends.. WHO ARE these people?
    i feel unstable with some of them right now, i feel unsupported, i feel not really cared about. i feel like some of my friends are wishy washy. like some of them just want to say what will make him happy. i don’t want friends like that. who just agree. who just say yeah do whatever you feel like. i feel like some of our friends seem to care what’s going on with me but when they realized what was going on they didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to feel the discomfort so they just stay away, or are just impossible to align schedules with. i have a few friends who are talking to me, although few of them seem to truly keep my confidence or truly be that interested. i will feel stronger later…..
    I feel horrible and miserable ..

  254.  #254laughing goddess on October 2, 2009 at 10:57 pm


    The feeling I had when reading your most recent comment is Wow! I could really learn a lot from her.

    Wait… Is that a feeling or a thought? I guess a thought. Okay, I felt impressed, and awed with your combination of strength, honesty, and feminity.

    I feel worried that I sound like a kissass. I feel sincere.

  255.  #255laughing goddess on October 2, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    I feel sad that I haven’t acknowledged or personally interacted with some of you goddesses yet. I feel not as available as I would like and not yet familiar with what is going on with everyone yet. I feel hopeful that I can be more supportive in the future. I feel patient with myself. I feel needing of putting a lot of energy into my own reality right now. I feel hopeful and expectant and tingly.

  256.  #256heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    Hello Laughing Goddess – it feels good you are here, and I love your name. I echo what you wrote above, so dropped by to say hi, hope to be back soon and will be following in the wings

    and all the other goddesses too 🙂


  257.  #257heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 12:15 am

    Teresa – when I feel unsupported and uncared-for and angry, it’s always followed by the realisation that I’m not supporting and caring-for and loving MYSELF.

    I’m usually feeling ground down, worn out and defeated.

    I have to somehow stick my flag in the sand – MY flag. The flag that says ‘I’m back’.

    Not for anyone else to see, or in reaction to anyone else, a man, friends etc – just for me. My flag.

  258.  #258Teresa on October 3, 2009 at 2:31 am

    The way this woman is feeling is exactly the way I have been feeling.

    Only I have done a lot more talking, crying, arguing…
    to the point that he is seeing someone. I wonder if this kind of thing can still work even when he is acting like this.
    It seems like my being here just makes him less interested in me – but because I feel like a wet towel right now- he sees me feeling bad and doesn’t want to have to deal with his conscience, so it would be easier if i were gone.
    Although he admits as much as he thinks it would be best if I left, he also thinks he would get the great benefit of being my “friend” AND having me help with the rent when I get on my feet again financially.

    I just don’t want to have to see him bringing this other person to our home.
    I don’t want to have to sleep in the kids room…
    at one point I said I didn’t want to do this and he said “well i’ll have to change the locks and you move out then”….

    It is true that this whole thing he is doing IS like a temper tantrum, he is angry and uninspired, he is scared to death.
    The person he has most felt connected to in the past is very promiscuous but still open and warm to him,- since he can’t catch her, he is attracted- because he doesn’t feel the “danger” of pressure to commit to anything.
    He wants the devotion I offer, for certain. He just wants it on his terms, at his pace. He wants to be the initiator, the hunter.

    I just wonder if I could be as strong as this woman and remember that it is NOT about me-
    I think he agrees about the problems we have- communication (which is getting better), my financial situation (#1 challenge, TOP of his list), space, AND, I realize that he doesn’t feel appreciated because he doesn’t feel that anything he ever does for me is ENOUGH- because I show my *desire* for more and he doesn’t want to give it but wants so much to make me happy that he feels guilty, then feels bad, like he is not enough, can’t satisfy me.
    I realize that one major thing that causes a man to be happy with you is knowing he satisfies you.

    So even though all of our problems ARE things I can take responsibility for and empower myself to change,
    the reality is that HE did not know how to deal, HE is afraid that I will depend on him more than is fair. HE has all these feelings and fears that are HIS, not mine, and it is not fair of him to blame me for them, when it’s not about what I did but about how he perceived it and about his fears.

    I really don’t feel like I should be punished for that.
    I have been here, been his “family”, taken care of our family (my son, his daughter and her sisters), tried to create a comfortable home, kept it clean, been devoted and loving and kind.

    I wonder if I could be as strong and “not buy it”. Because I don’t really buy it. He loves me. He’s just not feeling inspired.

    I wonder what he would do if I just slept in our bed anyway. Not come home?
    Get a new great relationship and kick me out eventually?
    I wonder what would happen if I did move to the other room, get treated like a friend .. practice all rori’s tools, dating, etc. getting a job. Never say another word again about the relationship, invite but without expectation, lean back.

    :::wheels turning::: just considering another angle again.
    we have so much to learn from each other here.


  259.  #259Daria on October 3, 2009 at 3:21 am

    Laughing Goddess… oh I feel so great that you thought that. I felt bad reading that you felt like a kissass. I felt weird.. I feel really supported though by your comment. Thanks.

    I think that sometimes I feel like a kissass and that feels horrible to me. I feel like less than and humiliated and horrified and gross. thank you feelings.

    today for example I was feeling all smily because I was going to the club… this girl started approaching my car, I think she thought I was her friend. She seemed drunk… then when she realized I wasn’t her friend she said oh wait I don’t know you, and then gave me a dismissive weird look. I thought she was thinking “why are you smiling at me” I felt gross and bad and furious. I didn’t say anything. I could have said: “Bitch what are you looking at me like that for…” but I didn’t say that. I wish I had. I also wish I would think of some other stuff to say besides agressive stuff.

    Nikita… here’s what happened:

    I was standing outside of the bar and a man approached me. We had been talking for about 2 minutes, when a woman came walking up. She tapped him on the shoulder and said to me… “excuse me.”

    I said “no problem”

    Then she says to him: “I just wanted to make sure this is your number, this IS your number right?”

    “I dont want to interrupt your DATE over here, I just wanted to make sure this is your number…”

    at this point I realized that she is not his friend, but obviously interested in him. I was quiet and started texting someone, trying not to listen to the rest of their convo.

    She then went on and I could hear her stress saying “oh so youre saying this is NOTHING to you, this is NOTHING right (referring to me by gestures)”

    I still was quiet and chilled. I felt amused but also I felt pist off.

    When she finally left after about 2 minutes he said something like… “see how some women act?” actually he said something different but kind of like that… “I said well that seemed pretty desperate to me” he said “yeah that was desperate”

    Nikita I really like how you seem to have no problem standing up for yourself. I totally freeze out and I want to change this. I love all my feelings.

    Rori and any sirens please help too.

  260.  #260Eileen Mary on October 3, 2009 at 7:10 am

    Hello Ann, nice to meet you. I am new here and reading more than posting. Have the e-book and Modern Siren. So I am doing more absorbing. That writing just made me feel understood as a woman and I felt a need to share it because it was upbuilding.


  261.  #261tinque on October 3, 2009 at 7:25 am

    “I feel so uncared about….
    I wonder what would happen if I did move to the other room, get treated like a friend .. practice all rori’s tools, dating, etc. getting a job. Never say another word again about the relationship, invite but without expectation, lean back.”

    Teresa – My heart is just aching for you. I feel your pain and confusion. I feel your desperation. It seems as though you’re at the end, but this is a GREAT thing, for I feel there is a spark igniting within you, and it brought you here.
    Your focus right now is ALL over him. You must take it off of him. You feel uncared for because you’ve stopped caring for yourself.
    Take this time when he’s in Philly to take care of YOU. DO anything and everything that makes you feel GOOD, even if it’s just a cup of coffee at a local cafe. Strike up conversations with any and all you may see there. (a great place to start circular dating) Take hot bubble baths. Watch your favorite movie or TV show. Make something, a painting, a scarf, a cake, whatever turns YOU on. Go masturbate. It feels REALLY good. And you will learn something new about you.
    STOP thinking about HIM. Every time your little brain goes there, pull it back gently, and think soft pretty Teresa thoughts. Keep doing this over and over again, 100 times a minute if necessary.
    The more you take care of YOU, make YOU feel good, the more quality people you will attract, friends, men.
    I promise you that as your energy shifts, so will everything and everyone else.

  262.  #262Teresa on October 3, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Tinque, … If I were to stay, I could still do that.

    I really like the “I don’t buy this” approach because it’s true. He feels this but he knows he wants me in his life. He thinks I should leave (because he doesn’t want to have to deal with his conscience, and it would make the whole situation more comfortable for him because he could do what he wanted at our home), but he doesn’t want to lose my friendship entirely. I know he loves me, he just doesn’t feel attracted at this point, although he’s physically attracted. It seems like there would be more options for spending time together. If I leave, he might WANT to spend time together with me but not do it because he’d have to get over my “no friends” wall. He wants to spend time but .. as friends.

    But look, this woman somehow did it!
    Of course her husband didn’t sound like he was seeing people, but he was definitely checked out. didn’t even wish her happy birthday. he wanted to make SURE she knew he didn’t love her. (this is exactly what my guy would do too, he has tried the nasty, disconnective approach to make sure i knew that he doesn’t want to be with me).

    I am sorry if it seems like I am not focusing on me, I just feel rushed to figure out what I am doing about this living situation, and then relax into doing it.

    I was done and moving out this weekend and then lost my nerve once I talked to two close friends who felt like I would be stupid to leave now, it would make it too easy for him and leave the house open for someone else to move in. Now that Aaron is taking his things from this girls house, I am worried about it as well.

    I do feel that my belief in all this nonsense he’s put out makes it worse. If I could just be at a calm and peaceful place all of the time in front of him.

    do any of you think that the above approach (I don’t buy it) would work?

    Do you think it would be wise to spend any time with him “as friends” if I move out? Or to spend time only if he calls up one day and asks me on a date?

    I enjoy that everyone here is engaging in conversation, for the sake of learning and caring. No one ever fails to respond.

    Also, I am curious.. Nikita–
    you were talking about saying things like “do you know how to say excuse me when you interrupt two adults talking”… etc.
    I never say things like that, I am always very polite,
    …which might be why some women do things I don’t like, but I feel like the man would/should stand up for me with his attitude, respect me. In addition, you can stand up for yourself using actions rather than words, for example being harder (for the man) to reach.

    I worry that I would be seen as rude and insecure.
    Do you worry about this? What is your view here?
    What are some other examples of how you’ve stood up for yourself? I am curious about this…


  263.  #263nikita on October 3, 2009 at 9:30 am

    mmmmm daria, she was cockblocking—albeit unsuccessfully. That’s just a fabulous opportunity to demonstrate your secure goddessy self. I felt a lot of jealousy from her…and insecurity and the need to control…sounds like she asked him for his number and then saw him talking to you and felt all rejected.

    I would’ve responded to his generalization about women with…..”I see how the woman stalking you is…..but you attracted that, I’m just a beautiful bystander”.

    He’s creating his reality….maybe he felt fearful and guilty she would make a scene….and then she did 🙂

  264.  #264nikita on October 3, 2009 at 9:52 am


    First, people interrupting me is a big pet-peeve of mine.
    I was raised with certain formalities….children should be seen and not heard…do not speak unless spoken to….please, thank-you, excuse me and I beg your pardon. So I am totally biased here.
    When a stranger injects themselves into my circle I go with my gut feeling on their intentions. So I reply with;”Can you say excuse me?” and then usually-almost every time they get a jolt of remembrance…like, oh yeah that was rude, excuse me….for me it’s a boundary. Translation; if you want to join our circle bring your manners and show some respect. period.
    But my family is from Brooklyn so we do things a little differently. I was raised a bit in Europe where certain formalities remain so the two color my experience.

    On the other hand I am very tolerant of other women in public….if I’m talking to a man I just met I don’t regulate the behavior of women who approach…I wait and watch to see if he’s protective of me, how are his boundaries? How invested is he in me or them? Is this an ex or a friend from high school or college? Maybe she’s excited and forgot that I was there too. For me it’s a great way to gather information about him. It’s like a self screening for the guy. She might be a potential friend….who knows..the girls usually introduce themselves if I’m patient….besides, I know the guy is watching for my reaction as well…..Grace under pressure or drama queen?

  265.  #265nikita on October 3, 2009 at 9:59 am


    funniest thing is, I had a crush on Inspector Gadget(the cartoon) when I was younger….but I forgot about his misreading friends for enemies…interesting.

  266.  #266Ms. Barnes on October 3, 2009 at 11:19 am

    I’ve started to read the post. I’m thinking about purchasing Rori’s material. I think it could help. Reading what yall write helps also.

    This is for Teresa:
    Why are you torturing yourself? Don’t you feel persecuted, agony, anguish and pain. Why do you want to suffer?
    I’m not Rori the coach…………..I’m just giving my 2 cents.
    Get The Hell Out!! Why should you continue to stay and watch him kill you softly.
    Don’t you love yourself…………even a little bit.
    If you have the financial means to leave……..then go.
    If you have someone that would let you live with them until you get on your feet…………..then leave.
    YOU are the most important person right now. Don’t you believe that? Can’t you see?
    Why should you worry that if you leave he will bring some other woman into your home? Let Him!! He’s already being a butt hole ( if you don’t mind me saying) toward you. It’s time for you to be good to yourself.
    1. Move out = keeping your sanity
    2. Get a job = create self worth
    3. Save money to get your own place = Building Goals

    Just doing these things will get your mind off of him and back where it belongs…………..taking care of you.
    In between doing thoes 3 things. Love on youself with the things that you forgot about because you made him the Master of your Universe.

    What do you like to do? Once you move out (if you decide to) make a list of what you like to do. Don’t put the list in a book or in a drawer. Put it up on the wall….so you can see it. Make the list colorful… will stimulate your brain. Color brings life.

    Do you like to :
    1. Read a good book
    2. Take a walk around the neighborhood / at the park
    3. Stay at the bookstore and look through all the books (personally I LOVE LOVE doing that. I’m in a whole new world when I’m at the book store.)
    4. Ride a bike
    5. Roller Skate
    6. Treat yourself to a DVD movie
    7. If you have kids……..use them!! I do it all the time. It’s nothing like allowing your kids to help you pass time to forget about your guy for the moment. My daughters and I have mother-daughter day, go the movies, go out to dinner, go to six flags or chuck-e- cheese. Kids can give you joy.
    Whatever you do………..think about Teresa. Think about what makes you tick.
    If you can’t remember………….GOOD. This means you can spend alot of time relearning yourself.

    While you are taking the time to love on yourself, you won’t think about your guy………atleast not doing the day.
    At night is my hardest time. When my day is done and the kids are alseep. But even that will get better with time.
    I say……….give him a chance to really miss you. Let him do some thinking. He will notice………..once you stop melting all over him.

    As far as the “Friendship Thang”……………I don’t torture myself. I know that I want to be more than just a friend to my man. I don’t have the energy to fake be a friend in hopes that he’ll want more someday.

    To me the “Friendship” request only benefits the guy. And………What type of “Friendship”? Is it with benefits? What type of benefits? Money? Sex? To lean on you and talk about his current relationship? What is it?
    See…………That’s to much head play, to much staying in my feelings.
    Once it’s over………….it’s over.

    I honestly don’t have the strength to be “just a friend” to a man that I’m still in love with after a break-up. I don’t have the strength to be a “friend” and watch him date other woman.
    I’m not the kind of woman to try and stop a man from leaving me for another woman. He can do what makes him happy…………but don’t ask me to watch!

    Just my 2 cent.

  267.  #267alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    daria i didn’t see any feeling messages or boundaries.

    i might have said, oh that felt kind of weird. I don’t want to interrupt anything —if you two have some sort of Thing going on. I felt a weird vibe and not really cared for in that interaction. hmmm. i feel kind of weird now. i feel annoyed and angry.

    and then if he pursued i might give more feeling messages.

    ie. well i felt sad that this woman was interrupting our good time with a weird vibe. now i feel unsure.


    what do you think?

  268.  #268nikita on October 3, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    oooooh alias girl……I’m reporting you to girly girl genius squad!

  269.  #269alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    heehee thanks nikita. i feel girley. 🙂

    ms barnes the ebook is a great place to start. the heart connection is also good to start. there is also a ton of info on rori’s site and blog. when i first came here i read EVERYTHING. her program descriptions, her website, her definitions, her blog, all the comments, EVERYTHING.

    then I did some programs.

    if you wanted a program after that maybe toxic men or modern siren would be a good start.

  270.  #270Daria on October 3, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Nikita and Alias Girl thank you.

    AG you are right I didn’t use feeling messages. I felt bad afterwards for saying she was desperate. I felt like maybe that was almost as desperate.

    I felt so triggered I felt stuck stuck stuck stuck. I am looking for feeling messages to say.

    I had no problem feeling Goddessy with him.

    But I did have a problem with my reaction to her (silence). I felt bad about myself later.

    I don’t feel good allowing women to be rude to me. I want to BE UNSTUCK and speak from my feelings in the moment. Not just silence vs. hitting people.

    I feel furious at that woman. I still do. Sometimes I feel much worse. I remember this going on from elementary school. This is some kind of trauma pattern. I would love to release this. Thank you Angels.

    I am also going to try to work with this from the outside. That is with behavior tools, like speaking in Feeling messages.

    Right now if I had a redo, as soon as I heard her tone about “DATE” I would say:

    whoa this feels weird. I feel bad and attacked. Im feeling really angry and I don’t want to tolerate this.

    Then I would walk away purposefully.

    That would feel good I think.

    What do you guys think?

  271.  #271Teresa on October 3, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Keep Faith Sirens, I am working on this. I still am trying to find the vantage point I want to use and get my footing.

    I feel guilty because I feel like I’m writing an awful lot, but I appreciate that I have this outlet, and you guys for picking things out that interest you for discussion.

    I feel like sharing how I feel about dating,
    and then having some fun describing the new prospects. 😉

    For the record, I’m about to be 29. I was also married for 7 years (from 1999 (19) to 2006, when my husband died in a motorcycle accident.) I have always had people who were interested in me and who I would spend time with however.

    I hate dating new people I don’t know and going thru the “getting to know you” process. It feels boring to me.
    I think this is because I don’t find myself attracted to many people. I am extremely selective.
    I am empathetic and can read peoples facial structures, photos, .. I see personality characteristics, often their thoughts, or the undercurrents of whatever is going on. I can see if there are things that I won’t enjoy long term. I have a small bit of experience with dating but have never really just dated consistently with numerous people, especially not people I didn’t know well already. I understand this is a TOOL though, I don’t have to like them, I guess.

    So of course now that I might be not so “off limits” anymore, I have a slew of interests. I am just not that interested in most of them. As usual. The attention feels good, and the ability to practice tools feels useful. But I don’t know what to do with these guys, cause I feel they will get strongly attached and at some point I will have to call it off (ie; when i feel it’s getting too strong for them to handle if i call it off, or when they ask for something more serious and i don’t want it…)? Am I supposed to, past a few dates, only date ones I am truly interested in?

    #1- PediCabber- I met him while I worked at the bar most recently- I cocktail and would hang out on the patio and talk to him while he waited on giving rides. One in particular I am concerned about hurting his feelings because I can tell his is a loyal and wonderful friend and he is much younger than I am. (20!!!) I am not that interested in him. He is still youn. He knows I have tons of life experience on him. He is still hanging out doing whatever. He is very smart though. So I haven’t really “dated” officially, although he definitely takes the lead when we are hanging out together. He seems unjaded about love. He is sweet, he rushes to make me comfortable, is embarrassed about his friends (he lives in a punk house and they sleep in the same room, the living room) because they are weird and take over his time with me ;), he rushes to get me a drink, make me a delicious salad, make sure I have what I need.

    #2 is Law-Office-Boy. He is currently on hold, as his grandmother had a stroke and he is out of town tending to her. Met at the bar. He is definitely still somewhat of a boy, at 27. A little unsure of his footing. I can see him lounging around like a bachelor in his jeans and tshirt, drinking beer on the couch. He wore the same old every afternoon clothes to our date. He didn’t decide until that day what we were doing (oops, my fault). He was very persistent about getting my phone number though, which that and his charm are the only reason he got it.
    (he’s a leo). He fumbled but managed to remember to open the doors.

    (see, this is why i love D. he is a GREAT dresser, extremely motivated and professional in his career- he is a hairstylist AND realtor. We love to have a flexible schedule in our work so we have time for life, family, and kids. This works well with our kid schedule. He pays for everything we do (dinners, social events), plans our social life, packs when we camp, likes the house clean, but hates cleaning, so I clean and he grocery shops, he’s amazing in the kitchen, we have a great social circle of friends, many who are SUCCESSFUL or contributing to the community. He is very much the gentleman, when he is concerned with it, he does it well. He always opens doors for me. He is very attentive. Charming, funny. we usually have a wonderful consistent level of attention, affection, sex. and I like a lot of sex. he likes to ride bikes with me. he is good with kids. He is interested in love and spiritual growth. (he’s about to get some of that.))

    -Miss-Step (I am gonna call her this until I think of something better) — so the girl my darling devoted D is hanging out with is Miss Step. hehe.
    #3- Miss-Step’s ex, Gentleman (he moved out of the place he got them 3 months ago, and stopped supporting her).
    He is stepping up to take care of me because he sees what’s going on, and he’s been hurting as well. He really wants nothing other than to have a family to love and he has given up on her. In the last week he has invited me out several times- we went to the coffee shop one night to discuss this situation, then hung out at a park til 3am, another nite we went out to get food cause we hadn’t eaten (he paid), then a park til 2, we went out for food again the other night at a bar I used to work at and ran into a ton of friends and stayed out til 3. He opens doors. He obviously supported Miss-step while she was pregnant and after she had the baby- 3 yrs.
    He has been attentive, talking to me every day, last night he wanted to hang out, low key, movie, bring take out, maybe even cuddle. I fell asleep early and never got back to him. He is being very careful with me but wants something and if I allow it he will too, I am sure. I can tell his heart is so full of love and desire to just love someone, to have a family to be with. He thinks our interactions and timing have been very serendipitous. He has offered to take me with him to a camping/art event that D didn’t buy my ticket to because he is secretly planning on camping with Miss-step, and Gentleman offered to give me his +1 ticket, and my own tent. Just so I can go and have a good time in front of them. A HUGE portion of my friends will be there– this is so embarrassing, the way D is acting. I wonder if I should be embarrassed or just embarrassed for HIM. ha.
    Gentleman also has offered if I ever really need a place to stay I am welcome to stay with him, and that he and his 2 year old can be my surrogate family!! Although he “knows my family can’t just be replaced” “not immediately”… He also is nearly as empathetic as I am- so we navigate the world in the same way, with senses and impressions. It is nice that he understands this.
    He offers his comfort and love and presence. This is serving him as well. I swear he is already having fantasies about the potential of marrying me. He is handsome enough, but a small framed guy. But he is best friends with

    #4- Mr. Aries.– he hasn’t quite found his style yet, the way he dresses doesn’t work with the way he looks. Sometimes people’s impression of him is that he is gay. He’s not. In fact he is very much disagrees with the idea. He is taller than I am, blond, has cute expressions and can TALK. Every time I present a problem, He argues the opposite it is more like a debate. He talks and talks though. I can’t remember if he opens doors but I’m sure he does. He is very affectionate! He has had interest in me from day one. I met him about a year ago. The first day we met he asked me if I ever wanted to get married and he told me how much he wanted that. There was a time where we went out a few times to hang out and he treated it more like a date, (paying for me, being a gentleman, etc). He even kissed me once. However he won’t officially “date” me for obvious reasons, until now, since D is not “claiming” me as his girlfriend.
    He has not been having sex with anyone. He prefers to be in a relationship rather than date someone, I can read that he doesn’t really want someone who wants to date other guys at the same time.. he is an aries, Aries want to be at the top of your list. … They don’t like that you HAVE a list. 😉
    We have always talked a lot online, back when I had a desk job, and now too. The beginning of the year he wanted to go to Australia for a dream job where you got your own island for a period of time and had to take care of it. He asked me to go with him. He didn’t win that contest though. Instead he left to Spain at the beginning of the summer, to play music and travel. (He had a computer job by day before he left. He is a DJ and also writes music.) He had a dream a few wks ago about who he’s going to marry and shared it with me. It seemed very real and important to him. But basically name unimportant, it’s a hispanic girl with a nice ass. (can I say that?) He’s also mentioned in his group letters about Spain that the girls there are so attractive and he loves the way they dress and carry themselves. He told me privately that they remind him of me, that’s part of what attracts him to me. He has been there for a few months. He was coming back at Christmas. The night before last he wrote me a cryptic email- “You just might be in luck….” Of course he knows my situation right now, he has been telling me to leave for a while. He found me online and told me “I am packing right now and on my way to the airport. I will be back by 9 tomorrow night”. He told me this is a decision based on a gut feeling. About that he doesn’t want to overstay his visa, because he wants to go back there to visit and play music. I don’t believe this, I believe that is a potential reason but I think it’s more about the gut feeling and about coming back. Especially since he got that I’m hanging out with his best I don’t think he’s coming back ONLY because of me, but I think I’m a factor.
    He has told me how much he really wants to just have a family to love, and have a relationship. He wants to be married. He hasn’t been having sex since he left the states. At all. Because he feels sort of like he’s been preparing.. for the One. I know that he considers me very much potential for marrying. He has lived with a girl once, who he was with for 5 years. He said never again unless he’s married. Today he added “or unless I see something real”… He is going to likely move in with Gentleman, but I can see that he wants me to be with him. I can see that Gentleman is thinking about the same thing though, and he has no idea yet that Mr. Aries is back.

    Maybe I will marry them both and then gloat about it.
    “remember that movie you made me watch? splendor? well. It looked like fun.” my relationship would actually WORK because I actually know people who are respectful, kind, and treat others as they want to be treated. Ok, I think Mr. Aries would be jealous. But he’s always done his best not to get between my darling and I.

    Hm. Now that I think about how high my sex drive usually is, I wonder if this could work out for me.

    lol. jk, jk. 😉

    #5. Day-Trader. Another mutual friend. (he knows D, Gentleman, & Mr. Aries. We all go to the same events and have the same friends.) He facilitated a lot of partying going on this summer. He facilitated a camp for the burner events we all go to (burner events=burning man regional stuff) He makes decent money, he is a kind soul, although loves to feel in control, feels upset when you don’t take his advice. (well what man doesn’t). Hospitable, loves to entertain. Loves his friends to be respectful and clean up after themselves. Owns several very nice duplexes, in a group of 5, he owns at least 3, in a circular area with a pool. He is a sort of nerdy type, but the dangerous quiet ones.. you know. He is into a little BDSM. Flogging. Being surrounded by attractive women. Wants to get married. He is very sensitive and sweet at heart. He shows interest and requests things with physical action or sometimes hints but is a gentleman. He cuddled with me one night after a dinner party and after D behaving badly. He didn’t try anything. But he’s definitely interested in pursuing me, as he’s asking questions about it, and if it would disrespect or offend D. He doesn’t want to disrespect or hurt anyone. I mentioned once that anyone who I’ve been in a relationship with has aggressively pursued me, and he asked if he wanted to be with me then, should he aggressively pursue me?…

    aww. I don’t wanna break any of these guys hearts, they are all so wonderful.

  272.  #272Teresa on October 3, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    It’s cool and overcast and rainy here today. If you don’t have a nice girly movie to cuddle up to, perhaps I can provide some entertainment! 😉

  273.  #273alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    daria, i would (personally) not want to walk away so quickly. she is probably trying to get rid of you. unless you were totally over the whole thing. if i were over the whole thing i would walk away after speaking my feeling messages.

    to her i might have said. Wow! i feel really interupted here.

    and then i might have also said ‘excuse me. i feel c*ckblocking. i feel amused and also like i am not being treated as the goddess i am.’ then maybe turn to him. ‘should i leave you two alone? what do you think?’

    and then see if he cared for my feelings or not.



    i feel amused with myself. that actually sounds like a fun situation now. hahahaha

  274.  #274Daria on October 3, 2009 at 3:44 pm



    omgosh i feel happy1!!!!


    First off, I would LOVE To say to him…

    “I’m feeling uncomfortable here… what do you think we should do?”

    ohhh yes I would love to address it and let him solve it.

    Second off, I love how you said that I feel amused. I did feel that too. as well as angry

    So I can try something like

    “wow Im feeling really interrupted here. Im feeling hated on. I feel amused and like I’m not being treated like the Goddess I am. I’m starting to feel angry and I kinda feel like attacking you, and I don’t want to do that”

    ha That’s pretty radical. I worry that I’f I say “I feel like attacking you” then she’s going to start a fight. Which might suck. mostly for HER though. Lol

    But also for my beautiful clothes and heels.

    Ok. Saying I feel hated on sounds to me like i’m trying to irk her. Although It does fulfill my revenge feeling.


    Ah this energy feels shaky and exciting and smily and weird. I LOVE THIS ENERGY.

    Thank you energy

    I feel VERY DELIGHTED at the idea of telling a woman “I don’t feel treated like the Goddess I am”

    I guess my previous translation of that would have been
    “Bitch, Im a pimp!” looool but I like the Goddess one.

    I feel scared to actually say that to a woman. I feel very vulnerable to attack. I feel super shaky.

    ok lets see…

    wow this is really not feeling good. I’m feeling hated on and I don’t like it. It feels amusing and I’m also feeling really angry. I don’t want to fight.

    To him: I’m feeling really uncomfortable with this… what do you think we should do?

  275.  #275Daria on October 3, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    I feel scared that women are going to start a fight with me. I often get rude looks and stuff. I feel scared fighting (WOW) even though I always win. I feel scared someone is going to have like a blade and slice me with it (although that’s not very common here)…

    I feel scared I’m actually going to “lose” or look like I “lost” and I will feel humiliated. Big fear.

    I feel scared I will get scarred on my face. I feel scared I will get in trouble for it.

    I feel SO SCARED. WTF. This feels weird. I love my fear.

    I love my fear.

    I feel scared that standing up for myself will lead to more attacks or fights. I feel blocked. I feel shaky and tight.

    I love my shaky tightness.

    I mostly have only gotten in fights when people hit ME. OR… when people said racist or really disrespectful stuff to my FRIENDS. But I don’t really get into fights FOR ME. I wish I had. My inner self feels sad and unloved and unprotected. She feels less than other people because I don’t have a problem standing up for other people. I just get the “this is the right thing to do” feeling and consequences become almost irrelevant.


    I feel icky!!! I love my ickyness.

    I feel shaky and weird. I love my shakiness and weirdness.


  276.  #276Daria on October 3, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Teresa I feel overwhelmed…

    I feel frustrated and sad that I don’t hear YOUR feelings about these men. I hear a lot of insight into them… but not how YOU feel around them. I would love to hear that…

    I would feel really happy if you went to the POWER AND SELF ESTEEM section —->

    and worked through the posts starting from the oldest, making lists as the posts suggest. And posting them here.

    This created a huge shift for me from using my intuition about others (like you did so well for the men you described) and shifting to paying attention to MY FEELINGS. It felt something like UNBELIEVABLE.

  277.  #277Teresa on October 3, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    hm. well I guess I neglected to share how I feel around them cause I’m just curious about observing them, and already know how I feel.

    I will think about that though, for sure in a little while.

    Also, … good to know that you found something to shift from using intuition, because it does get rather overwhelming, all the information I get.

    talk to you soon……

  278.  #278Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Ms Barnes — you really are a “natural.” You’ve just laid out for Teresa my “Channeling” Tool – and it’s part of the comprehensive “Riffing” Tool. Great for you…It’s in the Power and Self-Esteem category here…I think you’ll enjoy the posts in order…it’s steps…start with the oldest one first, and let us know how the Riffing works for you.. I think it will get you more in touch with different feelings and make you feel both stronger and softer. Love, Rori

  279.  #279Daria on October 3, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Teresa… my intuition got MORE clear, to the point that im psychic now…

    the Focus of my attention is on me now…

  280.  #280Eileen Mary on October 4, 2009 at 1:17 pm


    I feel guilty also, but for the opposite reason, not writing, sharing feelings, and experiences enough.

    Please keep writing, it is bring up feelings I share and have been overcoming, but I don’t want to forget that bad place completely so I never let it happen to me again.

    I can really feel for you on a personal level as I have been in a 10 year relationship that has gone from the best thing he ever had in his life to he no longer has a sexual interest in me, He’s wrong he is going to counseling to save our relationship, to finally when I realized he is the product of a very toxic family and just does not have the emotional bandwidth I need. I am in a better place of control of my feelings since he lives in my house, but for many years with him I felt like I was going crazy, worthless, unappreciated, unlovable. I spent far too much time trying to figure him out and not myself. Now he is building himself a studio apartment in his rented house and will be moving in a couple of months. He wants us to be friends and even asked if he paid me would I do laundry for him. LOL I stopped caring about what he thought and don’t want him back. Now he is just my boarder and sleeps on a footon in my living room for the past two years. I just couldn’t stand the feeling of someone who did not care about my feelings sharing the same bed with me.

    If you are not sure what you should do and there seem to be a number of practical concerns you have, do nothing until you are sure you have a plan that suits your needs. Even while there you can take a page from his book and do what you want, when you want. Make believe he is not there and his feelings do not come into you making any decisions.

    As far as sleeping arrangements try a footon in the living room. Don’t know how old your children are, but moving in their room could be a stressor for both of you. Besides you sleeping in the living room will impress anyone he may want to bring home. 🙂 Most of all find appreciation for yourself, you can either save the relationship, if that is really what you want, but you will save yourself.

    Giving you a great big hug. Eileen

  281.  #281Teresa on October 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    >>>to her i might have said. Wow! i feel really interupted here.

    and then i might have also said ‘excuse me. i feel c*ckblocking. i feel amused and also like i am not being treated as the goddess i am.’ then maybe turn to him. ’should i leave you two alone? what do you think?’

    and then see if he cared for my feelings or not.



    hahahahaha. Alias Girl: I LOVE THIS.

  282.  #282Eileen Mary on October 4, 2009 at 2:12 pm


    I wish I found your wealth of Godess wisdom 25 years ago. I cannot begin to express how I feel about myself since reading the ebook and watching Modern Siren. The feeling messages have worked miracles for me even with a man that has serious health concerns and the treatments have caused depression, memory and mental confusion and it is long distance. This is a man I closed myself off from 25 years ago when I was going through a long and ugly divorce.

    Communication with him has gone from a week to 10 days to every couple of days.

    Reading your email today, this hit home.

    “Being there for a man” is a great thing – but
    it depends on what you’re “there” for.

    If you’re there when HE wants to talk, and you
    hear him and give him the emotional support he
    asks for, that’s great.

    All I could think was YES, I am getting it and it works. Tony doesn’t like complaining especially from himself. I have let him know the mood he is in does not affect me I don’t feel dump on, I feel taken into his trust. I can even listen to his anger over events and not feel I have to jump in and fix. Instead I just let him know anger is a natural reaction to such events. Why be so hard on yourself? I feel so relaxed by just leaning back and let him row the boat. Opening myself and being vulnerable on the outside and a rock on the inside. Is seems every time I use the phrase what I feel in my heart, he gets softer, mushier and more open with me. I ran a feeling message by you about setting a boundary on sending reminder emails to keep in contact before I knew how undermined his memory was. I softened it a little, but kept the feeling that it made me feel unimportant in. He just dropped the request with no comment. At first I felt rejected by his not addressing it, then I realized he just accepted it and understood from the change I have seen.

    Thanks so much for all you do. Rori Rocks! Love Eileen

    PS I have a friend going through a divorce and depressed. I bring in front of a mirror and have her hug herself. She loves it.

  283.  #283Simply Shannon on October 6, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Daria: I had a thought earlier this morning about the whole cock-blocking thing. I would feel angry at the man more than the woman who was rude. After all, he didn’t have to respond to her, or at a minimum he could have asked her to wait until you were done talking with him. It’s almost like taking a phone call in the middle of a conversation. (Which highly irritates me.) It would definitely piss me off that someone was rude to me but I would feel more upset that the man didn’t step up and protect me from that.

    I dunno. Just something that occurred to me this morning that might give you a different perspective. Shannon

  284.  #284Daria on October 6, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    Hey Shannon:

    Yes. I didn’t feel much respect the man after that, and in fact he kinda disappeared on me. But i didn’t “care” as much about the man, because it’s easy for me to deal with that. He just drops status in my eyes.

    I did feel very affected by the woman’s behaviour and my (triggered) response though. That’s a repeat thing for me and something I want to clear and heal for myself.

  285.  #285Liz on October 6, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Wow, Rori….

    This blog really hit home for me on so many levels. Everything from the world spectrum all the way to my relationship.

    Thank you

  286.  #286Mariah on December 5, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Dear Rori,

    I decided to post a note here under this category because I was not sure where my situation would fall under. I think I like the ‘notes from the universe” as I feel that maybe I need to see some signs from the universe but at this point I am not able to.

    So here it goes, I have been circular dating for a while and met a man that is the least of what I call ‘my type’ physically. But I kept an open mind, we clicked right away, we have so many things in common, we are open, we have fun and we get along amazingly. But one day (very openly) he told me that he cross-dress on occasion. Well, that information shocked me, as I did not expect that in my dreams. Surprisingly, I have been open about it and understanding. We have an agreed to get to know one another but without intimacy until we both feel that I can accept this situation in my life. I really like him, but not sure how to deal with this and for some reason not prepared to let go yet.

    Maybe a second opinion would help me clarify my thoughts.

    thank you,


  287.  #287Alicia on March 20, 2010 at 1:25 am

    This should give every woman a HUGE EDGE on MEN-

    From a man’s article on women:

    OMG GIRLZZZZZZZZZZ! MUST READ!!! I found the popular site for men, came up and I found several articles telling men to treat women COCKY, Split the tab (umm next please) and Not to compliment..

    This is how they are telling men to pick us up.

    ((((The way I landed her was by being Cocky & Funny — extremely Cocky & Funny. I was always one step ahead of her. It was kind of like: “Don’t even try to challenge me, I’m already inside your head!”

    Everything was cool, but to tell the truth (and no offense), I just kind of got tired of the constant effort. So I cooled it off a bit, not always seizing the opportunity to remind her just who it was she was dealing with. And I think I got screwed. Now I feel like I’ve turned into a Wuss, and I hate it! No, I loathe it!

    When I turn on the macho act, she’s a pussy cat again.)))) The amount of power women give to me is overwhelming……….

    Holy CRAP.. Can you beleive it???

    And check this comment out from one of the dudes:

    I have never been so confident around women. I stand as a security guard at the entrance of a retail store, and 8s, 9s and some 10s pass by me everyday. I used to turn my head and stare away. Now I know what they want from reading your book, and I can look at them, talk to them and bust their balls, even without ever meeting them.

    I do have a problem though: I took this beautiful girl out on a first date, the Cocky & Funny technique worked so well all night from the movie to the dinner to the goodnight kiss (tongue included) that we both definitely wanted a second date. So, what’s the problem? She can’t stop thinking about me or leaving me alone. I’m getting 10 text messages a day from this girl whom I really only want to date a few times.

    The authors advice to the guy –

    I need to write a book called Cut Your Dating In Half: A Guide for Guys Who Are Too Successful with My Materials.

    I think what you need to do is get together with her and say: “Look, you’re acting like we’re married, and you need to cool it. I think you’re great, but I’m not interested in a relationship right now. If you want to keep seeing me, then you’re going to need to chill.”

    I realize that it sounds a little bit harsh, but it’s the truth, and you need to be direct in a situation like this one.

    Well here is the comment I left on that article:

    Hey Dudes!!!! I’ve dated guys from all walks of life.. Pro Athletes to Country Good ol’ Boyz… Yes, Every guy needs an edge and I like to mentally challenge guys for fun in a flirty way.. So YES on SENSE OF HUMOR rocks!!! BUT.. TAKE NOTE – any guys who ask ME OUT and offers to SPLIT the tab, should not bother to ask me out. Next in line please – I’ve had great dates at sandwich shops so this shouldn’t hurt the wallet. AND I FEEL REALLY GOOD, INSIDE when a guys says awesome things about my appearence or body. You never know what kind of girl your dealing with, she may be smoking hot but, girls are always comparing themselves to super models because of the media and men.. Trust ME A HOT CHICK.. Compliments makes us “warm”- inside!! And there can be a point where tooo coc-k–y gets rude!

    – I see the authors point to a degree.. BUT now I can sit back and smile because I know what they are up to.. And just be more of a challenge and say how I feel.

    And p.s.
    My guy tried to pull the.. I think your great but, whatever (fill in the blank) line.. and I had to laugh cause he was literrally blowing up my phone when I pulled back and broke up with him.. Then when I leaned forward/ over functioned (shame, shame) I got that line delivered to me. And now I know exactly how to play my cards smart! 🙂 Plus, recently he says I missed you soooo much.. lol. Guys are just as silly as girls… I am so about cirular dating. That article just lit me up.

  288.  #288Alicia on March 20, 2010 at 1:38 am

    I feel like having that knowlede from that above article (in the comment above)– on what men are being advised to say and treat women just gave me my power back… Or now I’m fire ready for the heat! This is going to be FUN!!!!!!

  289.  #289Lori C on February 11, 2011 at 7:22 am

    The author of TUT is Mike Dooley. He has some fabulous books, WONDERFUL!