Approaching Men And Pretending — Does It Work?

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sexyguybackShould you approach a man if you know you’ll never see him again if you don’t?

Here’s a letter from Ingrid to start the discussion:

“Hi Rori,
I’ve recently met a man (while involved with an activity with a group of others). He’s a genuinely nice guy, friendly with everyone, and I’m drawn to him quite strongly. He appears to be everything all the internet guys turn out not to be, and I’d really like to get to know him better. My problem is with the approach as I’m naturally quite shy, although I tend to hide this with a bubbly front. However when I’m genuinely keen on someone the shyness takes effect and I find it hard to approach men.

The main problem is that he is fairly recently widowed (about 9 months I think) and my worry is that it may be inappropriate to be showing an interest in dating him so soon. I really would rather just like to spend some time with him as a friend and get to know him, but I just don’t know how to do this without appearing too forward and therefore insensitive at a time when he is surely still grieving. There will probably only be one more meeting with this group and then our paths will probably not cross again, so I feel I need to make a move like ‘now or never’. Have you any advice for me Rori?

Many thanks in anticipation of your reply, Regards, Ingrid”

***Here’s my answer:

Ingrid, the biggest thing I noticed is you talk about “approaching men” and “hiding” your shyness behind a “bubbly front”…and NOT doing these things is what my programs and work is all about.

I do not encourage you to approach men. And so I don’t have any strategy for that.

Instead, simply smile (the whole way to go about this is in my new Targeting Mr. Right program) – and let THEM approach YOU. If they’re not approaching, then you need to work on your authenticity and expressing your feelings and being truly who you are – even if that’s “shy” – instead of covering or pretending to be cool or upbeat or “bubbly.” (This is what the Modern Siren program is all about — and the basics of what this is all about is in my ebook. )

That said, if he’s not approaching you here are the possibilities:

1. He doesn’t feel moved by chemistry or anything else to approach you. You’re not his type, or he’s thought about it and has decided not to approach you.

2. He is clueless and shy and doesn’t know what to say to you any more than you know what to say to him.

3. He’s completely oblivious, and perhaps, yes, grieving. He doesn’t notice anyone unless they throw themselves in his face.

4. Your bubbly front is not drawing him in. YOU know it’s not authentic, and so it feels inauthentic to HIM. It’s dampening his feelings of attraction for you.

The most likely answers to the question here is number one and/or number 4 on this list.

He’s thought about it and he’s not interested. And, possibly, you can do something to change that by changing his feelings of attraction to your “vibe.”

Let’s deal first with the logistics of approaching a man in this situation, if that’s your choice. If you want, so that you won’t regret not ever having at least “tried,” you can do this:

Walk up to him, lean back, smile, and say “Hi, I’m feeling very sad that the group is ending tonight. I’ll miss you all.”

And then he’ll talk.

And you’ll respond with Feeling Messages and Listening at Level 2.

From this point forward, it’s all in his hands. If he doesn’t ask for your phone number or your e-mail address, if he doesn’t say “Let’s get together sometime,” then that’s it. You’ll know that he’s “just not that into you,” and that’s the end of it.

The only thing here is — approaching him, even in this small way, may not good feel very good to you. The person who makes the approach has to suffer the rejections as well as savor the triumphs.

Either way, men learn how to deal with it. It’s traditional. But we women are so much more sensitive on so many levels. I know for my own self and my own life, every single time I have managed to make a move on a man — even though it was very subtle (and I used to be pretty good at picking up men in this way) they just end badly.

If a man is interested he will find a way to get your phone number. He knows how– and bottom line this is the truth. My friend Keri Newell says this over and over again in my Targeting Mr. Right program — “Every woman deserves to be pursued.” And if you have to do the pursuit at the beginning you’ll be pursuing forever.

I saw a delightful movie on TV the other night called “The Hammer” with Adam Corolla playing a boxer/loser/boxing instructor/funny guy. He gave the exact demonstration of what my friend David DeAngelo calls “Cocky and Funny.” He had an amazing sense of humor and used it 99% of the time, but the thing is — he was really, really sweet.

Even though he was a jock — a boxer — he was actually very sweet and sensitive, and the way he approached the leading lady of this piece (who is a formidable woman), was just simply very straightforward, very sweet, very masculine and very appealing.
Whereas, in the new movie “500 days of Summer” we have a very different leading man. One who has difficulty making that first approach.

In this movie, the girl ends up making the first move, but because she’s not totally smitten with the guy it’s okay…. I don’t want to give the movie away but by next month I will want to talk about it (see it if you want to join the discussion).

Now for possibility number 4 – which is the only thing we can really have control over or change or shift — and that’s US.

There’s nothing wrong with being “shy.” It can be totally charming if you’re willing to OWN your shyness, discover what’s UNDERNEATH the shyness, and begin to let a man see THAT.

If your shyness is only about your ego — if you’re being run by caring what people think about you — then work with that by noticing how judgmental you are about yourself and shifting all that to CURIOSITY about yourself. And then to curiosity about other people around you. Curiosity is a huge CURE for so many emotional “problems.”

If your shyness is that you’re feeling strong emotions that embarrass you and frighten you — that’s your cue to get even more curious about what’s underneath and start taking baby steps to reveal those feelings to the world.

You can start easily with Feeling Messages about non-scary things like the weather and TV and the movies and the news…
So, the choice to approach a man or not is yours.

In my world, in my experience, and the experience of most women that I’ve talked to, if you feel forced to make the first approach, there’s something wrong. For a man to not start a conversation with you, even if all he’s interested in is friendship, tells you that there’s something going on that may not serve you.

And yet, I don’t want to lay down “Rules” here. Every single thing you do or don’t do is something you can learn from. If you can do this approaching in what feels like a “now-or-never” situation with a spirit of adventure and the goal only of having an “experience” and doing an “experiment,” then I encourage you to follow your impulses — once.

Be sure, Ingrid, to let us know what you did and how it went for you.

Let’s talk more about this “approaching” thing… Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Ann on July 21, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    I like learning new ways to experiment. Now I need to figure out how to get a new phone. I’m missing so much by not being able to read from mobile. I look forward to seeing what others feel about this post.

  2.  #2Tina on July 21, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    I almost never approach men, only if I know them and I dont consider them “man” material, not because I’ve set this out as a rule, only because this feels so much more natural to me. I consider myself to be a shy person, I feel relieved to know that I am not expected to a man first. I went out this evening with a friend , we had chinease take out at a restaurant, in walks man, restaurant was emtpy except for us three. I did the five second eye contact with a smile , ok half smile kinda, im working on it lol. I know as sure as sure as I can be that had my friend not been there we would have had sat together and chatted, him paying of course. It would have not been a date just an I dont want to eat alone and I think your hot kinda thing but yeah. I’m glad she was there with me, we had lots to talk about, such as my break up by phone message. My cousin died a few months ago, I saw her husband walking with a new lady over the weekend so you never know.

  3.  #3Tina on July 21, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    I talked by messanger to this man, he is loaded by the way lol, he was in the area and said for me to come meet him, that would have meant I drive for four hours or more to see him. I said no I cant do that, I said its to far and I dont chase men, he said to me, Your a strong woman and you know what you want, I said to him strong women do not chase men, that was the convo, he was texting me yuck. He gave me his phone number I since lost it and have no intention of calling him. I feel really good about Rori’s topics, I feel these are the things Ive been doing all along. I feel for me its ok now, my feelings guide me, I just feel so happy knowing that the my intuition and feelings feel much better when there is no resistence, when I am not fighting my feelings. I feel much more authentic.

  4.  #4Tina on July 21, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    I met the man I just broke up with pre Rori Raye, does that mean he didnt serve me?. not sure about that one. I never approached him first, he always calls me, he always came over to my place, he spent money on dates, that sortof thing. I feel really so much better without him, expecting him to call, waiting,planning my life around him, I didnt feel it was big deal at the time but now I feel different about it. I feel the pull again damnit! This I”m sure means I need more time to detach, anyway my friends and I are planning a night of bumping and grinding with twenty yr.old men tomorrow night.

    I feel so happy that I finally made enough money to finish paying for me course, now I just need a french translator. Aug 4 is just around the corner and I need the cards finished. I have a month off from the rehab I work at, so lots of time for tanning and fun stuff.

  5.  #5Aggy on July 22, 2009 at 12:59 am

    I feel very uneasy approaching a man no matter how much I am attracted to him. What I do is send a lot of positive vibes his way this works sometimes but not always.
    In practise it means saying I love you (fill his name here) and realy the universe responds and he does approach, Rori what is your advise on this?
    I bought Rori’s e-book recently (10 days ago) and am noticing very minimal changes with my man as am beginning to use her advise in the e-book. What is amazing me is that am getting attention from other men some in my circular dating circle.
    I dont know but I realy want things to change with this particular man, so what happens if he is not responding?
    Rori I need your advise here
    Thanks a lot

  6.  #6Daria on July 22, 2009 at 1:19 am

    Aggy –

    what things or tools have you been practicing? what kind of response or non-response have you been getting?

  7.  #7DocK on July 22, 2009 at 6:07 am

    Well, I know the point of this post is primarily about “approach” and not, specifically, approaching a man recently widowed but I feel compelled to comment on that aspect…

    Someone very close to me lost his partner of 19 years, unexpectedly. It has been about 9 months and his Facebook page lists his relationship status as “it’s complicated.” He says that this is because he cannot even conceive of being with anyone else right now. That he knows, on some level, he will have another love in his life someday but at this point, even thinking about that feels awkward and like cheating on his partner.

    I know each person is different in grieving and readiness to move on to dating and love but the very fact that the situation involves a widower, if this were me, I would consider that reason enough to let him approach me when/if ready.

    Also, although I believe in “moving your feet” and taking action and so on when you want something – and in this case – she feels she won’t see this man again so her urge is to “do” something. But I also believe in grace and a loving universe and that second chances are always provided. They may cross paths again, and maybe he will be ready and she will have practiced Rori’s tools and be even more ready herself. : )

  8.  #8Aggy on July 22, 2009 at 6:15 am

    Thanks Daria,
    Well if you have read the e-book there is the blissful moments which you practise in your mind, the meditation ( though I must admit am not good at this yet), listenning at level two e.t.c
    So is it me who is looking for results in a hurry or am I not doing it in the right way?
    Will appreciate insights from the sirens in this island
    Love you all

  9.  #9Aggy on July 22, 2009 at 6:28 am

    ok I also used I feel and I dont want messages to which am not getting response, how long do you think it will take? hope am not being impatient here
    e.g. he’s not been calling for the last 1 week to say the least, then he texted me coz he needed some help on some issues. so here is waht my text said to him
    Me:”Your distant behavior does not match with what I want in my relationship life, I feel bad about it and I do not want that kind of thing with me and you’

    Him: what do you mean distance? you mean I should not be asking for your help so whom do you expect me to ask from apart from you? does this mean we are incompatible?
    Me: Do not put word in my mouth the truth is am I feel sad about the silence btwn me n you for a long time
    Him: Am asking for your help, you are telling me something different ok then I dont need your help

    That was it! its now 6 days and there is only silence between us
    this is making me sick
    ok divas thanks looking forward to ur insights

  10.  #10Mercedes on July 22, 2009 at 7:13 am

    I like this post Rori and I agree…it’s probably #1 or #4. In any case, I wouldn’t approach the guy. I would do the eye contact and smile thing but I wouldn’t push it any further than that.

    Thanks for a GREAT post!

    Much Love,

  11.  #11Erika on July 22, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I like the “open” feeling of this post, Rori, like we’re all open to trying something new.

    Now that I’ve been to so many of these men seminars, my assumption of a man who doesn’t approach is no longer “he’s not into me.” Especially cuz so often a guy will obviously be interested and still not approach. Now from the seminars I know that a lot of men are scared sh*tless and/or have no clue what to do/say. Still, a man who won’t approach is not going to be able to keep my interest long term, so I’d just let him go.

    I’m feeling nervous and excited because I’m off to the 21 convention today. Four days of speakers, and I’m the only female speaker. It’ll be videotaped and posted to the web if y’all would like to see my speech later.

    Love and kisses to everyone 🙂 May we all be triggered in a healing way today, lol 😉

  12.  #12Erika on July 22, 2009 at 8:31 am

    p.s. I feel so liberated to no longer take these things personally. Seeing the world with compassion (realizing that when a guy doesn’t approach it’s not necessarily about me at all, that it’s not something I need to worry about — I can be curious and compassionate instead) is sooooo much easier and more relaxing than the old ways.

    I also like having faith that I can’t help but attract exactly the right guys to help continue me on the healing path, but that’s cuz I have faith that none of this is random and that there is a higher order behind it all.

    ok, I’m off now … please send me happy thoughts … it’s my first official seduction community speech ever.

  13.  #13Simply Shannon on July 22, 2009 at 9:20 am

    No time to comment on the original post but wanted to say GOOD LUCK ERIKA!!

  14.  #14Aldonza on July 22, 2009 at 10:42 am

    I’m struggling with something. The conventional wisdom is that we should all want to be with a “good guy”. But I’ve found a lot of those good guys are terribly shy and do not approach a woman very often. I found this to be especially true when I’m looking particularly attractive.

    Then we have the very aggressive guys, some of them PUAs who have no problem walking right up and starting the ball rolling. Some of these aggressive guys are just exhibiting masculine energy (which is good) but some of them are just in it for conquest (which is bad). So, if I’m all leaning back and magnetic, these guys can crowd out some of the other nicer guys.

    Is it sometimes worth targeting a shy guy? Leaning forward a bit to get things rolling before stepping back again?

  15.  #15Aldonza on July 22, 2009 at 10:44 am

    “Still, a man who won’t approach is not going to be able to keep my interest long term, so I’d just let him go.”

    This does resonate with me. But I also fear falling for the same type of macho guys who are in it for the bedpost notch and not a relationship.

  16.  #16DocK on July 22, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Aldonza – I was wondering about this as well but because I was thinking of a great guy – my brother. Yes, I know that women are entitled to “standards” as are men and he is not rich – probably never will be (teaches in a Catholic school) – but what he is – is a guy that is loving, attractive, fun and funny. He is a wonderful artist and amuses people by sketching them when he is out at a park or somewhere. He loves women but, alas, no GF, because he is also shy and I think has given up.

  17.  #17Erika on July 22, 2009 at 12:23 pm


    How’s this for a manifesta?

    I am such a Diva that the dashing bedpost guy commits to me.

  18.  #18Dan_Brodribb on July 22, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    I’m sure the shy guys of the world would appreciate a little help, Aldonza. Also, it often seems to me like five percent of the guys out there are doing ninety-five percent of the approaching. If you don’t like what that five percent has to offer, it couldn’t hurt to switch it up. I feel a warm tingle because you sound empathetic for what a lot of guys are going through.

    That being said, you shouldn’t have to do all the work. It frustrates me to see guys who complain that jerks get all the women when they won’t make the slightest effort to put themselves out there and offer themselves as an alternative. I’m as shy as they come, but I still make every attempt to live up to my romantic responsibilities as a man. And if a shy, often awkward guy like me can do it, I don’t think the other guys out there have much of an excuse.


  19.  #19Terrance Thames on July 22, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Hey Ladies,

    In the case above with the grieving guy I would agree with the notion the options 1 and 4 seem the most likely. However in a normal situation in which there is no grieving involved I feel like option 2 and part of the 3 “hes completely oblivious” is the more likely choice.

    Why? The majority of men are intimidated by women. I would whole heartedly agree with Erica here. Imagine this: You walk in to a restaurant or a bar and you notice a really attractive guy. You want him to approach you so you start giving him body language urging him to talk to him and HE PICKS IT UP. He is drawn in by your beauty, essence, femininty and if close enough your smell. Once he feels that urge to go and approach he start thinking, “She is mesmorizing but what should I say?” “what should we talk about?” “I gotta go to the bathroom first!”. It happens to us all. I have been there countless times and it is crippling.

    Or: imagine the same scenario above except the guy actually doesn’t pick up your clues or hes occupied talking to his friends and doesn’t see you. This happens a lot as well. A lot of guys do not have the social intuition or Presence to pick up on non-verbal cues.

    The majority of guys that I coach end up falling into these 2 catagories.

    Aldonza- That is a great point that you brought up about the good guys being terribly shy and the PUAs being aggressive but maybe in it for a conquest.

    In my experience a lot of terribly shy but nice good guys tend to be more inexperienced in the realm of social pressure, overcoming fear of rejection, and with women in general. PUAs have been trained to fight this pressure and approach so that they at least have a chance instead of not doing anything. Even if they blow it they can learn from it.

    “Is it sometimes worth targeting a shy guy? Leaning forward a bit to get things rolling before stepping back again?”

    I feel like it is worth it. I wouldn’t, however, be that invested in the outcome. Sometimes we just need to be nudged a little to take notice. 🙂

  20.  #20Terrance Thames on July 22, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Seeing the world with compassion (realizing that when a guy doesn’t approach it’s not necessarily about me at all, that it’s not something I need to worry about — I can be curious and compassionate instead) is sooooo much easier and more relaxing than the old ways.

    Very well put!

    And YOU ARE GONNA DO GREAT. As Johnny would say. “Luck does not even enter into the equation!” 🙂

  21.  #21Tina on July 22, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Aggy, I wish I could tell you to just start circular dating and things will become clearer for you but it’s a process, baby steps. My feelings were the first clue that something was not right. I just felt “something is not right’. I became curious about how I was feeling, why do I feel not right, my intuition was telling me something. He is not paying attenition to what you are saying, most importantly you are not paying attention to what your intuition is feeling. How does it feel to not be heard?. How does it feel to be dismissed?. How does it feel to not get the love and affection you want?. At the very least, you can use him for practicing your feelings messages, when I would get the urge to call him, I would write out how I was feeling then cry or whatever. I did a lot of finding my feelings before I gave him the “speech” via phone message (he was ignoring me so I feel I had no choice but to do it this way) I feel so good I really dont want to be around him anymore , I’m waiting for the next phone call from him because he will call. I want to say to him “I feel awkward, I have not heard from you in a week, he’ll say blah blah blah, then of course then I’ll feel right back to where I started, my feelings of insecurity,the pull,fear whatever, anyway, this is where I am at right now. I dont want to say “I feel good that you called, because I dont, I’m pissed, I feel really angry, furious, I’m mostly angry at my feelings, I know the way I want to be loved, its just not coming from him, I love myself more when I am paying attention to how I feel. Cutting the ties that bind us lol one by one is how I see it. He is going to be exactly the way he is, no matter what. My feelings took me to the level where I called him 5 times in a row yck. I feel embarrassed. That was the time I knew (light bulb moment) I was taking my next step, baby steps. I just knew I was sick, I was sick of feeling this pull,my insecurity, my fears, blah. I hear all the time from people – even from him lol, you have to love yourself first, I intuitively knew that I loved myself enough to know that what I was feeling was not right, thats when I got curious about me. I remember a conversation I had with him, I said to him I dont know how I feel right now but once I do everything will become clear to me, I cant put my finger on it just now, he never really says anything during my searching feeling moments. I saw him last weekend from a distance , he looked small and weak, I feel pity, sad I know. I feel a bit screwed up right now to see him. I’m still defining love for myself, I never had great role models, the people who were supposed to love me abused me through neglect/abuse – long story, It’s a very private part of my life and I do not wish to share, what I can say is that the people who know me know where I am coming from. I do believe your on topic as far as approaching men is concerned, just dont call him, stick to your feelings.

  22.  #22Mercedes on July 22, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    I know for me, when I was dating, I couldn’t approach a man because of exactly what Erika said:

    Still, a man who won’t approach is not going to be able to keep my interest long term, so I’d just let him go.

    I’m so incredibly outgoing and sometimes a bit crazy and shy men tend to be intimidated by me very quickly. My ex-husband was a “good guy” and very shy and he always felt like he was in my shadow. He hated that and I hated that he felt that way too (but couldn’t change myself to be a more appropriate fit for him). Now, I have a “good guy” and he’s not shy. It’s a better fit for me. I just know that if a guy is too intimidated (or “clueless”) to see my interest, I’m not going to go for it. A man who can pick up on my non-verbal clues and has the courage to go for it with me is instantly attractive to me on a level that isn’t just physical. A man like that is generally also a man who can challenge me (from my experience) and I love to be challenged. Maybe I’ve let a lot of good ones slip away because of it, but it all worked out in the end…so no complaints. 🙂 I guess we all have needs when it comes to instant attraction and one of mine is certainly a man who has the courage to take a chance and approach me himself.

    Much Love,

  23.  #23Tina on July 22, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    What is a “shy guy” and how would I know one was in to me?. I’m a shy person by nature, this does not mean I wont talk to a man that approaches me. I’ve read mens profiles they read something like this ; I’m shy at first but once you get to know me… or I’m shy at first, if you want to know more, just message me first ugh!. My head hurts when I read those types of profiles. I dont feel there is any set rules for shy guys vs players. The thing is this, A goddess knows she’s a goddess so it doesnt matter what he says or does. A “player” may just flat out ask for your number whearas a shy guy may find an opprotunity to ask for your number, I am very aware of mens; approaches, the guy I was seeing claims to be a “shy guy” he hunted me for two months before he found me online, this of course was pre rori lol.

  24.  #24Linda on July 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I have discovered that while I am a reserved person by nature, I have a no problems looking a man in the eye and saying hi. This is usually at work. I am working on being able to keep my gaze longer with everyone. Eye contact is important I think.. I have made a mental note to notice my body language etc. When I walk I am mindful of my shoulder posture, the position of my eyes (which I tend to look down) etc. I want to be more open and engaging. Speak first etc.

    I have a really good male friend at work, there is no romantic attraction for me with him but I think he is attracted to me a bit. I find when I am comfortable with someone I tend to be tactile, even playful in it. I like that part of me.

    I have found that I never approach a man I am really interested in. Because I have found that you do indeed have to keep pursuing and I want to be pursued. I have had it go both ways and honestly it feels better to be in the receiving responding mode, I feel in control that way and it feel better.

    I work in a hospital and there are so many doctors around. They all have different personalities. There is a new doc that has such a gentle spirit about him. He is very handsome and is new to the facility. I am inwardly taken with his demeanor and am drawn to him, but I would not say in a romantic way. When he first came in he had a chair but then it disappeared. I noticed him just standing and not seeking a chair but knowing he wanted to sit. This went on for about 30 min… I simply got up and took a chair and brought it to him. Then I did something that astonished myself but is so me. I brought it around and said here, and patted him on the arm twice. It felt natural to me and genuine. I went about working again not really thinking another thing about. Later when he was finished and leaving, he walked by me and reached out and touched my arm as he passed and said have a good rest of the day!… There was a little connect there. It made me feel great. His response to me was gratifying in a way.

    I think the positive energy we posses and confidence we interact with when we are relaxed and just being ourselves is attractive and appealing , it could even border on sexy at times. It feels good even if I am offering a chair to a great looking doctor because I know it is tiring to stand there that long.

    So… what I have learned about me is to be genuine. Flow from the energy who knows what great connections you will get. The results you get is great when you are not worried about whether somone likes you or not. Just be you. It works for me and I am getting better at it and dropping my shell.

    I have done this on circular dates and the response has been the same. It is all a process and I like who I am in it.


  25.  #25Dan_Brodribb on July 22, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    I really enjoyed your story, Linda.

    Tina, I’ve had many years to explore what it means to be shy. I’ve come to believe that shyness isn’t so much who a person is so much as something that stops someone from being who they are.

    In my case, shyness felt like being caged in my own body, locked away from saying or doing the things I wanted, unable to touch or be touched. It was like trying to drive with the parking brake on.

    I think the best thing you can do with a shy guy (or gal) is not acknowledge his shyness. You remember that the shyness isn’t who he (or she) is so you don’t get hung up on it. When a guy–shy or not–feels free to be himself, relax, and express himself completely, he tends to want to keep that woman around. And as far as taking charge or leading goes, if you let him know (verbally or otherwise) that you believe in him, he will often rise to the occasion.

    I remember each and every woman that believed in me over the years, and whether things worked out or not, I owe each and every one of them a debt of gratitude. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without them.


  26.  #26Jane on July 22, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    Dock – This is so beautiful:

    “But I also believe in grace and a loving universe and that second chances are always provided. They may cross paths again, and maybe he will be ready and she will have practiced Rori’s tools and be even more ready herself. : )

  27.  #27Tracy on July 22, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    I feel really happy and energetic today.I feel all bubbly and sexy and i intend to have a fantastic day……
    I feel so excited that i have started using feeling messages based on what i am feeling at that exact point in time…Previously I’d have to really go deep down and wonder….It feels so authentic and much more real and i feel much happier as days go by…..
    I get all these compliments and my dates are so many i feel overwhelmed and its just amazing that its still the same me….just with more love for myself….I feel more at peace…
    I still have along way to go and i feel that there are still pending issues that i need to sort out about myself but i feel more confident and more at peace with myself….
    I know that its all going to be fine,and i am in the right path of finding myself….it feels great!

  28.  #28Aggy on July 23, 2009 at 2:39 am

    thank you Tina, I appreciate

  29.  #29DocK on July 23, 2009 at 7:24 am

    Jane, thank you for your comment to me. : )

    Linda – YES! Positive energy IS sexy!!!!

    DB – how eloquent. I feel strongly connected to the message of your words.

    And Tracy – wow – I feel happy reading your post – I feel like cheerleading right now and shaking pom poms and jumping and dancing. Way to go!!!

  30.  #30Rori Raye on July 23, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Thank you – very, very helpful…would you write a post for us on how to approach without investing or leaning forward? As an experiment?

  31.  #31Erika on July 23, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    I’m experimenting with the idea that any kind of approaching that has no “agenda” behind it is not really leaning forward. So if I strike up a conversation with a guy because there’s something in the room that’s interesting to me, and I want to connect with someone about it, but I’m not thinking of him as my next date, relationship, or sexual partnership, then I feel very relaxed, and it’s no big deal. And often he may then approach me later.

    My number one “tactic” for all of this stuff is to think of everyone as “just friends.”

  32.  #32Erika on July 23, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Same with if I’m sincerely interested in something he’s doing, such as his blog, an article he wrote, a speech he’s giving, etc. It doesn’t feel like leaning forward because there’s no agenda.

  33.  #33Tracy on July 24, 2009 at 12:23 am

    Thanks Dock!…I feel appreciated and grateful….I am on my a mission at the moment to loving myself madly!……….

  34.  #34Fernando on July 24, 2009 at 1:19 am

    Reading the article, my first reaction was laid out in Erika’s first comment.

    I’ve approached FAR more than my fair share of women, and I still get that nervous energy rack my body before I approach a girl who I feel attracted to. I’ve made it a point to get over it, but I truly think everyone can, no matter how shy.

    I suspect most of you guys can feel when a guy leans in when he approaches. I doubt it feels very good. When a guy has an agenda, it’s abundantly clear, as is a guy who approaches simply to see where the conversation will take him. The guy who stays open to whatever comes his way isn’t leaning in, and it provides the space for both people to enjoy the moment. The guy who leans in with an agenda smothers the interaction, and the flame of conversation and passion will tend to die.

    I think because of how much more in touch with their emotions you guys tend to me, women might actually have an easier time allowing the openness that both men and women can appreciate. It may be scary, as so many new things are, but I find that after approaching a few times and creating beautiful interactions allows a very large smile to form on my face and in my heart.

  35.  #35Mercedes on July 24, 2009 at 9:04 am

    The guy who stays open to whatever comes his way isn’t leaning in, and it provides the space for both people to enjoy the moment. The guy who leans in with an agenda smothers the interaction, and the flame of conversation and passion will tend to die.

    Fernando: I like this. I think it can be applied to our relationships in more ways than just conversation (like the vibe we give off and the ability to enjoy the moment) and applies to both first meetings as well as existing relationships. Thanks!

    Much Love,

  36.  #36Tracy on July 24, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Thanks for pointing this out…..I often feel pressured when i meet a guy the first time and i can feel that all he really wants is to find a woman and get married……and he has this list of expectations and what he expects….
    I would love to meet a nice guy and settle down but when its all in my face i literally run the other direction….I used to feel bad about it and confused because i would not understand why on one hand i want to meet a good guy and settle down but on the other feel so suffocated by the pressure…
    I also feel that for my case at least i do fear intimacy to some level and the complete responsibility of having to be in a real and long lasting relationship much as i long for it……I am working on that…..however i am greatly attracted to guyz who keep things in the moment….at least for the beginning with no huge expectations…i feel myself leaning more towards them….