Are We Inherently Bad?

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My heroes, my inspiration for my work, my philosophies, the way I’ve worked to live my life in the fullest way I can are mostly unheard of in the “relationship world”!

One of my main influences is Aletha J. Solter, Ph.D. – who is a parenting specialist, and writes articles published all over the world in many different languages about – how to raise a happy child who will grow to be a happy, fulfilled adult.

So – you say – what does this have to do with love, romance, relationship and marriage?

Everything.

Though I used Aletha’s book Helping Your Children Flourish as the parenting bible when my daughter was small – mostly – I’ve always seen it as a way to grow myself. To HEAL myself.

I recently contacted Aletha, and got her permission to publish some of her articles as guest posts that I felt really could make a difference in your love life – and at the end, I’ll pull together how to use Aletha’s parenting help to help YOU get the love you want.

This one just jumped right out at me as what we do to OURSELVES!  How we always assume the worst of ourselves.  How that grows inside us.  How we fight all our feelings – even the positive ones we have about ourselves:

by Aletha J. Solter, Ph.D.

Are Children Inherently Bad

The notion that human beings are born with an evil nature pervades Western civilization’s attitude towards children. The idea is that children are born with unacceptable impulses and tendencies that would not disappear unless the children were taught to control themselves, thereby denying their own inner nature. The proponents of this theory consider it the parents’ job to civilize and tame the barbarian nature of children.

This theory assumes that children would naturally hit and bite other people, would never want to use a toilet, learn to share, cooperate, or help another person, and would lie, steal, and destroy property unless they were disciplined and taught moral values and society’s rules.

Parents are urged to punish children who “misbehave” so that the children will feel bad and guilty. Guilt is considered to be the great motivating force behind socially acceptable behavior. The children then learn to give up their nasty, uncivilized ways because they love their parents, want to please them, and want to be loved by them.

This belief has done more harm than any other belief invented by humanity. It is one of the main reasons the world is in such a mess. It has provided justification for violence, coercion, withdrawal of love, isolation, threats, and humiliation under the guise of “discipline.”

It has caused entire populations to be blindly obedient to authority figures and unable to think clearly about how to act. It has produced generations of adults who are burdened with feelings of guilt, fear, and shame.

It has caused children’s real needs to go unmet, producing adults who go through life trying desperately and unsuccessfully to fill their early needs, looking for someone who can love, accept, and understand them.

If we could rid ourselves of this deeply entrenched notion, if we could treat a baby from the start with an open, accepting attitude, we would catch a glimpse of the real human being with a vast potential for goodness.

We would see an innate tendency for physical, mental, and emotional growth, a striving to understand the world, an astounding ability to give and receive love, cooperate with other human beings, learn new skills, and acquire knowledge. We would see the capacity to reach all the higher levels of human potential.

If we were able to fill all of this baby’s needs for love, understanding, stimulation, closeness, and nourishment, and if we treated her with the utmost respect and trust, we would see her grow, not into a destructive, selfish monster, but rather into a thoughtful, intelligent, cooperative, and loving adult.

When adults have tendencies towards destructiveness or violence, we must assume that they were mistreated as children. People do not act in bad, stupid, or hurtful ways unless they have experienced hurtful behavior from others, or unless their needs as children were not met.

Studies of criminals have repeatedly revealed severe and early mistreatment of these individuals in an environment that lacked understanding of their feelings and needs.

Copyright © 1989 by Aletha Solter. This article is excerpted from Aletha Solter’s book, Helping Young Children Flourish. It is reprinted from her website with permission (www.awareparenting.com).

Here’s about Aletha:

Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant, and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her four books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids, have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She lives in California, and has two grown children and two grandchildren.

Aware Parenting is a philosophy of child-rearing that has the potential to change the world. Based on cutting-edge research and insights in child development, Aware Parenting questions most traditional assumptions about raising children, and proposes a new approach that can profoundly shift a parent’s relationship with his or her child. Parents who follow this approach raise children who are bright, compassionate, competent, non-violent, and drug free.

From Rori:

One of Aletha’s great methods is the idea of allowing a child to cry. And cry and cry and cry.

And to encourage parents to acknowledge their children’s feelings, rather than try to DO anything about them.

Sound like what we’re working on?

The urge to “fix” is a controlling parental urge – and it’s an internalized, powerful urge we each still have.

We want to control our world.

We want to control ourselves.

We want to control the weather.

We want to control our man.

We want to control our feelings.

And I’m asking for us to each give it up.

Let it be, and Be Surprised.

When you’re a mother, you’re responsible for your child’s wellbeing.  And the same with us – we’re responsible for ourselves.

Being responsible and yet giving up control is a life-long work for almost all of us. It’s no less gut-wrenching for a parent than it is for us as grown women.

If you’re a mom – I encourage you to get Aletha’s books at www.awareparenting.com or on Amazon, and if you’re in the process of allowing yourself to be a kinder, less controlling mom to yourself, as we all are…I’m just sending you love…

Love, Rori

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767 Comments

  1.  #1lk on December 1, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Good morning!

    yoga & so good, played my favorite chant x2 & did the happy baby : )))

    brought my coworker coffee & cleaned her office.

    bossman already by to say hello LOL ok, & maybe ask me questions…

    saw the good thing in the emails this morning! YES that’s great : )))



  2.  #2Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 7:10 am

    hhhhmm

    “Being responsible and yet giving up control is a life-long work for almost all of us. It’s no less gut-wrenching for a parent than it is for us as grown women.”



  3.  #3lk on December 1, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Wow : ) & I got to comment first too : )))

    Thank you for this beautiful article…

    Aletha, thank you for writing in such an understanding way about those small humans we adore & fear so much… lovely : )



  4.  #4Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 7:29 am

    So if you’re worried that a man will think you’re not interested in him if you don’t move things forward, here’s what you need to know: all you need to do is show a man appreciation.

    Let’s say you’ve had a great date with a man and you definitely want him to ask you out again.

    All you have to do at the end of the date is thank him and let him know you had a great time with him.

    The trick is to express genuine appreciation without any “hook” or conditions to it.

    That is the magic way that appreciation sinks into a man’s heart and lets him know a woman is special – and gets him thinking about her again right away.

    When you make your life as rich as possible, the right guy will naturally want to be a part of it. And when he does show up, simply let him know you’re glad he’s in it.

    This way, you won’t fall victim to the Instant Relationship…and you’ll create a solid foundation for a lasting, connected, REAL relationship.

    I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

    Your Friend,

    Christian Carter



  5.  #5Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 7:50 am

    @ FW #4 – great post!!



  6.  #6Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 7:53 am

    The trick is to express genuine appreciation without any “hook” or conditions to it.

    That is the magic way that appreciation sinks into a man’s heart and lets him know a woman is special – and gets him thinking about her again right away

    Is the way it’s expressed different for each man?



  7.  #7Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Mochaberri I believe that each relationship is different and as we express in the moment we will get the clues from people’s actions what they need to feel the appreciation. I even try this expressing without the “hook” with my kids and get good responses.



  8.  #8Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Rori: I really appreciate what you said to me in the last thread about guilt. That was really helpful! Thank you!



  9.  #9Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Got this from Chris Cade in an email. How synchronious.

    What if instead of viewing the world as inherently good or evil, we viewed it in terms of optimization?

    What if instead of asking “Why do bad things happen to good people?” we asked, “How might this experience ~optimize~ for the greatest benefit of the world?”

    This perspective makes a lot more sense when we consider the definitions of “optimize:”

    “(a) To make as effective, perfect, or useful as possible.”

    “(b) to make the best of.”

    In this view, it’s no longer about being hopeful or optimistic in the traditional sense. It’s not about thinking positively about our own unique situation.

    We’re challenged to ask bigger questions. Questions that go beyond just what our egos want to say about how an “ideal” situation looks.

    We can think about optimization in a larger sense. We can consider how our own personal experience might be contributing to a larger whole.

    It’s often said “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Thus, if we are all parts of a whole, it stands to reason that our personal “optimizations” are contributing to the whole…

    And often in ways we can’t know or comprehend.

    When we step the ego aside for a little while, we have an opportunity to experience optimism in this new way. Experiences, however personal they are, however difficult they are, might just be a doorway through which the Universe is optimizing itself.

    The interesting thing about optimization is that we can’t know what it looks like. Some might say that an optimized car might go faster in a shorter time period. That is true. However, an optimized car also might use less resources, be lighter, recycle easier, be easier to drive, or just an awesome stereo.

    All of those are ways in which optimization for a vehicle could happen. Yet if we only focus on making faster cars, we lose out on the possibility that there’s many ways to optimize a car.



  10.  #10Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I feel unsure of what CC means by ‘hook’.

    And I love this post of Rori’s. I can see how reading the books she’s talking about could heal some of my own childhood trauma.

    And speaking of, yes FW, I remember making a promise to myself that I would never get married as a small child because I could see the pain the my mother felt around it….to answer you question on the last post.



  11.  #11Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 8:29 am

    LG that reminds me of chakra vows that Margaret Lynch work to break. I promised myself that I would never marry if it did not happen by 35. In the meantime looking back now I see myself doing all kinds of things to ensure that marriage never happened, because of fear of intimacy.



  12.  #12Goodheart on December 1, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Dear Universe,

    Thank you for sending me the bf/lover/friend/partner of my dreams. Thank you for helping me to appreciate him every day.
    Thank you for making me want to be his safe, warm place to land each and every day.
    Thank you for showing me how to be easy with myself and others.

    I love how you teach me to look at the positive (always and only) and then you give me more of that to focus on.

    Thank you for the healing that has taken place in my heart and for the healing that will continue to take place.

    I want to create bliss in all my relationships and I want to be calm through anything – taking a deep breath before I respond so that warmth & understanding can take control.

    I want to feel love and be love. I want to be so in love with myself that everyone I meet falls under the same spell.

    I want to always remember that I have magic at my fingertips.

    I want to feel giddy every morning, knowing that everything I want can be mine.

    It is mine. For the asking.

    And it’s yours too. Everything you want.

    There is magic~



  13.  #13Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 8:47 am

    @laughing Goddess – I agree with you and what Rori said on the previous post about guilt and shame. IT really does transform you when it’s upon you. I jsut recently came from under that cloud and I feel truly amazing!!!



  14.  #14Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 8:58 am

    @FW #7 I agree each person needs appreciation expressed differently. I have found that KR needs me to be touchy feely when we’re together and sometimes it’s very hard for me to open up like that when more time than I care for has passed between us beign together. I am warm and open to him when we are together but I feel that if I get into the touchy feely my emotions rush in and I can’t jsut turn it off and I start to lean forward.

    Make sense??



  15.  #15Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Yes as Rori says, if you touch any person in the right way their body will respond. I am wondering if you could share that you just want to just enjoy his company without all the touching. It might be the way he feels most loved or it could be that he thinks that is what you need. Also telling him how you experience feeling most loved, such as spending quality time together instead of being touchy feely, he might be able to hear you.



  16.  #16lk on December 1, 2011 at 9:10 am

    @Goodheart 12

    Thanks : ) & yes, there IS magic…. wow!



  17.  #17Senior Lady Vibe on December 1, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Hello, world. I’m thankful for my son’s birthday. I was there at the initial event so it’s sort of my celebration too. Hmmm, his month I get two birthdays.



  18.  #18Senior Lady Vibe on December 1, 2011 at 9:21 am

    The magic season begins!



  19.  #19Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

    FW: I’ll check Margaret Lynch out. I’m not familiar with her at all. I do remember Daria mentioning that she was appreciating the meditations she was doing.

    And thanks for asking me because I’m sure that vow I made to myself Is the root cause of the resistance I feel today. I want to have a life partner or at least long term partner and to raise children and create a home together yet the idea of traditional marriage feels deplorable to me. Im cringing just thinking about it.



  20.  #20Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Mochaberri: I feel so happy to hear that you’re feeling good. I feel curious about the whole story. Please tell us more if you feel inclined.



  21.  #21Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 9:47 am

    #12 like!



  22.  #22Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Just read this at matrixshift.com:

    Your imagination is a powerful ally when it comes to creating your reality. It is a doorway to the possible, a bridge to your unconscious mind, and a boundless palate with which you create your world! Your subconscious mind does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Never forget how powerful your imagination is in bringing a new life forth!
    Clearing and opening your third eye awakens intuitive insight as well as the richness of imagination and many other gifts.
    “Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attraction.” ~Albert Einstein

    Desire
    “Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.” ~ Napoleon Hill
    Your desires are the seeds of reality creation.
    “Desire breathes life into your dreams and fuels your imagination and expectation. When you get in touch with your passion and desire, you ignite your imagination and all the positive thoughts and feelings about your goal, which are so integral to manifesting it.
    Your second chakra, also known as the sacral centre, is the seat of these fiery creative energies. If this centre is blocked, under-active or thwarted, you may lack the emotional intensity and “juice” that can attract goals like iron-filings to a magnet. Clearing and balancing your second chakra can help you positively access and get in touch with desires and the wonderful enlivening energy of passion to both kick-start and maintain the manifesting process. The second chakra also relates to sexual functioning and the enjoyment of a healthy sex life. It has a wealth of other attributes, including the arena of creativity, and joy-de-vie.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 9:57 am

    LG remember what you resist persist. Honor those feelings and the experience of your parent, while at the same time embrace being open to changing that paradigm that was downloaded by your emotions and create your own experience.

    That was something I learned to work on through Margaret Lynch.

    http://7levelsofwealthmanifestation.com/



  24.  #24Hopeful on December 1, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Feminine Woman and Goodheart – Love your posts.

    I have recently been thinking that the troubles I am having in my relationship are lessons I need to learn in life. In other words, some of the issues I have with setting boundaries and being a chronic worrier are things I need to break free from. So whether things work out with him or not, I need to learn these lessons for me – so I can live a happier life. I am trying to be thankful that this problem has presented itself so I have the opportunity to grow. If I cannot figure things out how to handle things better, I will surely continue to have these same negative feelings and coping methods, and would have the same problems in the next relationship.

    It is odd that the complaints my husband has about me are the exact same complaints I have about him. Relationships are mirrors. Very weird thing. Perhaps I need to accept the things about him that I don’t like in myself so I don’t dislike them so much in him. I know that is not a feeling message, but it is something I see as a pattern.

    Thanks Rori.



  25.  #25Hopeful on December 1, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Feminine Woman and Goodheart – Love your posts.

    I have recently been thinking that the troubles I am having in my relationship are lessons I need to learn in life. In other words, some of the issues I have with setting boundaries and being a chronic worrier are things I need to break free from. So whether things work out with him or not, I need to learn these lessons for me – so I can live a happier life. I am trying to be thankful that this problem has presented itself so I have the opportunity to grow. If I cannot figure things out how to handle things better, I will surely continue to have these same negative feelings and coping methods, and would have the same problems in the next relationship.

    It is odd that the complaints my husband has about me are the exact same complaints I have about him. Relationships are mirrors. Very weird thing. Perhaps I need to accept the things about him that I don’t like in myself so I don’t dislike them so much in him. I know that is not a feeling message, but it is something I see as a pattern.

    Thanks Rori.



  26.  #26Goodheart on December 1, 2011 at 10:02 am

    When I stop and do nothing – when I’m just still, I can feel so much more. I’m in tune with those around me & the thinking part of me let’s go.

    The other night my bf came home from work, feeling stressed & tired. He was standing at the counter & I came up behind him & wrapped my arms around him, pressing my cheek against his back. I felt the tension release from his body & he relaxed against me & melted. There were no words. Just his body & mine speaking a language of support & understanding.

    This is when I feel best. Just listening with my heart, knowing what he needs, What I need, in the moment.

    Ah, may all my moments (and yours) be ones of listening with our hearts. Slowing down. No thinking, just being. And knowing. And letting.

    Like Pooh. ~ 🙂



  27.  #27Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 10:08 am

    I’m also remember my mom as a child, when I would feel upset about something, my mom would often take it personally and tell me that most people her age would have had an abortion and she chose to have me instead. And that it pretty much ruined her life having a child so young and therefore I didn’t have a right to be upset or want for things. Instead I should just be grateful that I was alive. And I remember saying that I wish she would have just had an abortion because I pretty much hated my life.

    And I feel bad telling that story because I’m thinking it’s pretty dark and will bring people down. And also I have a story about myself that I am a positive person who shouldn’t take about stuff like that.

    And also, I don’t want to get intial ‘poor me’ or victimy feeling state. That doesn’t feel empowering at all.

    I actually feel happy that I have some awareness around this and also that I have the tools to let those vows or contracts go.

    And I feel excited that this could help clear up some of my internal conflict around having children. I still feel fear that having them would make me boring and I really enjoy having an exciting an adventurous life.

    And at the same time, what a precious gift it is to be around children and experience their playful spirits, and joy of life, and natural wisdom. And what a gift to be able to contribute to another human’s life in such a dramatic way as raising them and helping to instill beliefs and self-esteem.

    Wow!

    And I love my mom and she is really good to me and she’s really tries to be a good mom. It’s really important to her. I can see that. And just recently she apologized to me, out of the blue, for any pain she caused me as a child.

    I really do love her.



  28.  #28Starla on December 1, 2011 at 10:12 am

    wow i feel overwhelmed by nothing going right at work this week.

    feeling grateful and comforted that there is a good man in my life who calls me twice a day to send me some love. it *always* makes me feel cheerier.



  29.  #29Starla on December 1, 2011 at 10:18 am

    I feel jealous reading LG’s story about her mom.

    When I was 9, my mom and I got into an argument about whether I could go outside and play, and my mom put a razor to her wrist and said she was going to kill herself because I didn’t love her.

    When I was 17, she said I ruined her life, and disappeared for 2 years. I emancipated that year, and graduated HS right away.

    She never apologized. To this day, she will tell you it’s all my fault. Because I didn’t do the dishes right when she asked. because I questioned her when she wasn’t getting out of bed to go to work.

    I know the woman is sick in the head, but I mostly just come to terms with all this by accepting and avoiding her accordingly.

    I tried to have a relationship with her in my adult years, but I had to end it when she told me she was dying of cancer. Turns out she made that up, and doesn’t have cancer.

    Dangerous.



  30.  #30Starla on December 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

    It feels like a prison sometimes, for me. She lives with my grandma now, whom I love and talk to, and my grandma expects me to be an amazing, devoted daughter to my mom despite the abuse and neglect.

    My grandma is in denial.



  31.  #31Starla on December 1, 2011 at 10:27 am

    I feel grateful and proud of how strong all this has made me.

    I am not only independent, but so on the ball that I have literally changed the world for the better, for other people in it.

    Thanks, Mom. You gave me just what I needed without realizing it.



  32.  #32Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @FW #15 – thank you for that! Don’t get me wrong I LOVE to touch and be touched which I know I have expressed to him. I feel what really gets to me is that msot recently we went without seeing each other for 2 weeks and I was a bit disturbed – we talked a couple of times during that period but no face to face. So finally when we did see each other, I was able to feel his missing me by the way he acted – touching, hugging, kissing, etc. A couple of days later we saw each other and his comment to me was I must be OK regarding my sexual desires – insinuating that because I msut have gotten satisfied by someone else since I wasn’t touching him in his lower region. Mind you, we had just engaged a few days ago. Not as if I didn’t want to have sex, I was content at the moment just hanging out while he ran with me to do my errands.



  33.  #33Laughing Goddess on December 1, 2011 at 10:37 am

    And also I am crying for the little girl hearing that and letting her know that it’s okay to have hopes and dreams and want better things for life.

    And I am hugging her and letting her know that everything is okay.

    And I feel thankful to my mom. Gratitude for just being alive feels pretty good. Even though there are things in my life I’d like to improve…hey, at least I’m alive which means I must be doing something right!



  34.  #34Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Mochaberri apparently yuor rhythms might be a bit different. Or are you somehow uncomfortable with your sexuality and don’t know how to discuss issues around it with him?

    In my mind I hear Rori talking on the Reconnect cds about how we service men and don’t allow them to give to us, even when it comes to sex. She encourages us to melt into ourselves and don’t try to do anything for the guy. I hope Dominique reads your comments and jump in. I believe she would have a lot to share.



  35.  #35Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 10:41 am

    @ LG #20 – Oh my!! Thank you for sharing…

    My story is in a nutshell – The man I’m currently with found out somehow that at the beginning of our committed relationship I, in his words cheated. I did on some level as stange as that might sound but I did what I felt I needed to do to feel whole again. So, in effort to sheild my man from knowing my dark secret, I lied to him over and over. I felt that not only did I want to proctect him from finding out my secret – I felt ashamed about it; I felt guilty for doing what I did. So most recently, I dedcided to get “butt naked” and share with him my secret. And in that moment, I realized that trying to cover up a secret made me a person I didn’t like and caused me more pain.



  36.  #36Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 10:45 am

    RE 33 That’s how it works with secrets, especially in romantic relationships. It seems however, that trust needs to be rebuilt because of what you wrote in 31. He might still be nursing hurt feelings.



  37.  #37Wants to be Hopeful on December 1, 2011 at 10:56 am

    My mom died suddenly just a couple months before my 16th birthday. It was devastating for my family, and especially for my dad. He is not really able to maintain friendships and though he stonewalled her all the time, he was her rock. He told us that he could not be mother and father to us kids. I remember angrily asking if he could just be a dad. Now looking back, I realize that generation of dads really was not very good at it. His parents were not that nice to him. Not loving at all.

    I used to wish he had died instead of my mom. But it would have been even harder for her to go on without him. He just started dating right away.

    Oddly, I learned the worrying and fear from my mom. My older brother tells my youngest brother (who was 7 at the time) that perhaps it was best that he did not have mom around, since she had such negative energy (worry/fear) and that he was spared learning those traits, but she was also really funny and very loving when she was not depressed.

    Oddly, my little brother’s wife says he is a worrier too. Guess it is part of the family system. My dad is a worrier. And I am too. I kinda helped raise him since he was 8 years younger than me.

    Seems that we all have a story to tell about our mothers.



  38.  #38Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 11:03 am

    Wants to be Hopeful I encourage you all to visit this website and look at the techniques for Emotional Freedom Tapping
    http://7levelsofwealthmanifestation.com/



  39.  #39Mochaberri on December 1, 2011 at 11:11 am

    @ FW #32 – Thank you for you insight. I must say that I am very comfortable with my sexuality. I let him know what I like and don’t like and he does the same. When he isn’t sure, he asks and I tell him. We are on one accord when it comes down to that aspect of our relationship.

    #34 – Yes we are in the process of rebuilding trust in one another and I see now that it takes time to do. I understand fully that he is a lot more sensitive that I would have ever imagined and it feels good that he is able and willing to show me that side of him. 8 years ago I would have never knew this abouot him because our relationship was purely based on sex.



  40.  #40lk on December 1, 2011 at 11:46 am

    @Laughing Goddess 8

    Yes, that guilt comment was good for me to hear also…

    I thought of it again this morning when the final meditation in my yoga class was about practicing feeling good throughout your life & how happiness is a discipline & guilt/bad feelings can be noticed & then moved past, since we don’t want more of them… that sounds rambly & i’m paraphrasing…….. anyway. yes – guilt ? i do not believe in it : ) that means, though, that i must practice open-hearted forgiveness toward myself & others… : ) ok, i’m practicing!



  41.  #41VW on December 1, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Wow…what a beautiful post…

    I’ve been so reflective lately…

    I will definitely get the book 🙂

    Thank you Rori!



  42.  #42Lizka on December 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Oh no! Today is a day that brings up lot of good memories about P. At work, we are having a Christmas party for our clients. Last year, at this Christmas party, I had a wonderful evening with him. We both were busy with differents clients and talking, and partying and we are not really together but I felt he was starring at me all night and it was a very warm feeling. And at the end of the night, in the cab while going home, he kind of opened up and told me about his feelings for me.

    Since the morning today, I keep thinking of this and I felt kind of sad amd nostalgic and I wanted to text him and tell hin about my feelings and the reason why I was thinking of him today.

    AnD I tried very hard to control myself and I texted a girl friend instead and after that I felt fine…

    But a few minutes ago, my coworkers and I were outside of tge building smoking and who walked by coming back from a client visit? P!!!!

    I couldn’t help myself and I was definitly not warm and open. Just looked somewhere else while he was talking with my coworkers and I think he even heard me say when he left that “I reAlly sidn’t felt like seeing him today”

    I feel regretful now and I want to text him to apologize… Should I?



  43.  #43Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Lizka The point about no contact is that you can work on yourself to get your vibe to the place where you don’t do that kind of thing when you see him. Apologizing might even push him further away because has changed inside of you yet. You have to be true to your feelings, no matter what they are. Texting him would only be acting on your instinct to punish yourself.



  44.  #44Lizka on December 1, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Thank you FW for always taking good care of me by sending me good advices. 🙂

    The thing is I don’t think I was actually true with my feelings. I would have love to be warm and opeb and inviting. I kind of faked my madness. I wanted him to think that I was mad. And also did not wanted to show to my collegues that I was warm with him because I don’t want them to know that Im still so into him. They would think I am so pathetic….



  45.  #45luzydel on December 1, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Why would a man tell you he doesn’t feel things will work out after three months, then contact a woman desperately once he sees she has accepted it is over? “S” sent me an email at 1:40 am…why is he doing this? I already accepted his decision and I’m ready to keep moving…. I feel confused



  46.  #46Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Luzydel he might not be in a place where he can move the relationship forward so he panicked. He is showing you how much of a man he is and how he will be in a relationship. He is human and has to deal with his fear, insecurities doubts and uncertainities. Yours will come up also and you will have to work through them too.



  47.  #47Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Lizka can I be honest with you, reading about how concerned you are with what they think I got into my judgement self also and thought “I think you are pathetic too”. Seems like everyone else’s feelings were more important than yours.

    Okay now I am back to my heart. I feel compassionate towards you because you are not acting like a woman who loves herself and honor her feelings. Pretending like you were mad and acting all cool is not achieving what you want. I really believe getting one of Rori’s program would help you but I think I remember you writing about some challenges around that. I really believe you need to practice being strong on the inside so you can be soft on the outside and honor yourself. Your really need to lift your self esteem so your vibe can shift.



  48.  #48Hopeful on December 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Luzydel 45 – I got an email from Carol Allen (astrologist) today about a woman whose boyfriend had broken up with her. The woman had the same type of question you have. Here was her response to why men stay around after THEY break up with you:

    Carol Allen:
    In my experience of working with women and their relationships for almost two decades, I’ve seen something fascinating…

    MEN DO NOT GO QUIETLY.

    Even when they’re the one that doesn’t want the relationship and rejects you!

    It’s uncanny – they pop in and check on you once in a while, perhaps out of guilt, perhaps to keep your attention, perhaps to torment you, perhaps because they want to stay your friend, who knows?

    I’ve seen this happen so often, in fact, that I now tell a woman as soon as she informs me that a man she’s been seeing has ended things.

    I say, “Oh, be careful. He’ll stay in your orbit. Men do not go quietly – so don’t think that it means anything. It simply means nothing more than that they don’t go quietly…”

    But it’s not enough to get so excited about. Think about it: it’s easy to call or email someone. Very. It’s really NOT a generous, intimate gesture on his part.

    So you need to take care of yourself, because clearly he’s not taking care of you.

    And that means if it’s too painful for you to be in contact with him (you thought he was “the one,” after all!) ask him to stop contacting you.

    There’s one other thing you’re doing wrong…

    You’re hoping he’ll be back. Otherwise hearing from him wouldn’t make you so upset and vulnerable!

    Me: Hope that is interesting to you…



  49.  #49Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Carol Allen

    The more you know how to harness your body’s Heart Intelligence, the more peaceful, happy, and grateful you are.And this makes you VERY attractive! Others can FEEL the energy of your heart. (Like MEN!) It’s been proven that by just standing near someone, they can sense your heart energy for good or bad…And when you touch someone, you send an electrical signal from your heart to their brain that also can make them feel good or bad. These ways of interacting with others, which cannot be sensed intellectually or physically, can be FELT by a man and attract him to you in that deep, spiritual way… or put him off.
    If you’re in a “good” heart place, he’ll feel at ease when he’s with you. It will invite him to be in his own good heart energy. This will allow him to feel more like himself. He won’t know why, but he’ll know that he feels great around you. But if you’re not in a good heart place… Well, then, you know…Here’s the GOOD NEWS about Heart Intelligence: It’s something that can be consciously improved. This will make everyone in your life more impressed with you. And when you do meet HIM (or when you’re around that special someone you already know) he will be, too. He’ll be drawn to you, but he won’t know exactly why. He’ll crave your company and feel energized by your presence.



  50.  #50Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Rori

    Before you can figure out what to “say” to a man – you have to know what you Feel.
    You have to know what you Don’t Want.
    You have to choose words based on what you feel, and what the TRUTH is, otherwise, you’re just pretending, and that will not work.
    Whenever you get in your head and anxious – just say the word FUN over and over – you’re there to have Fun – not to accomplish anything. If you catch yourself judging yourself – just say Oh well to yourself and move to happy thoughts that are TRUE.



  51.  #51Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    3. Personal Power and Softness – INNERBONDING
    Softness is the energy of warmth, tenderness, love and power that emanates from people when they are in their higher selves. At this moment they know and love themselves, do not shame or violate themselves and others, do not seek approval nor fear disapproval, are not self conscious, and do not take personally others’ criticism, anger or rejection. Soft energy radiates from personal power, for when people know who they are, what they want, and how they feel, and they know they have the right to want what they want and feel what they feel, then they can not be dominated, controlled or emotionally hurt by others. When we are in this state of owning our personal power we are beyond weakness, and beyond violence of any kind. We can afford to be soft because we know we are not weak. Being in this state is an ideal, something we can all strive to be in more of the time



  52.  #52Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    RE 10 LG about the “hook”, I believe this is an illustration that explains and these are Rori’s words

    “I feel so much love in my heart when I see your beautiful face” – then EXPRESSING it (without any caring at all what happens or what he does after we express it) has to be ALL we want. If there’s even a tiny, tiny bit of expecting him to do the same – then we’ll push him away.



  53.  #53Camille on December 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Can anyone here on Siren island help me with this situation? I am so sad right now and have a feeling of queasiness in my stomach, because I dont understand how a conversation today went so awry. My communications were completely misunderstood and in my opinion “twisted” to mean something else.

    “T” is driving home from our Thanksgiving trip today. I flew home Saturday so we have been apart since. The days previous today have been filled with sweet telephone and text exchanges with excitement and anticipation of seeing each other when he gets home. Today at my lunch break he called and I asked him what time he would be arriving and he said possibly 8 or 9 o’clock.

    I am a window painter and have been painting Christmas windows while he has been gone and in order to complete all of them I have committed to I have to paint 1 or 2 a night after my 8-5 job. I then suggested that I would do a smaller window tonight so I could be home when he got there.

    Then “BOOM” he started a conversation suggesting that I would rather be painting than see him. And everything I said he twisted…….I said I felt unheard…….I said Im feeling sad and dont like the conversation so I was going to hang up.

    I feel so confused right now?



  54.  #54Camille on December 1, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Can anyone here on Siren island help me with this situation? I am so sad right now and have a feeling of queasiness in my stomach, because I dont understand how a conversation today went so awry. My communications were completely misunderstood and in my opinion “twisted” to mean something else.

    “T” is driving home from our Thanksgiving trip today. I flew home Saturday so we have been apart since. The days previous today have been filled with sweet telephone and text exchanges with excitement and anticipation of seeing each other when he gets home. Today at my lunch break he called and I asked him what time he would be arriving and he said possibly 8 or 9 o’clock.

    I am a window painter and have been painting Christmas windows while he has been gone and in order to complete all of them I have committed to I have to paint 1 or 2 a night after my 8-5 job. I then suggested that I would do a smaller window tonight so I could be home when he got there.

    Then “BOOM” he started a conversation suggesting that I would rather be painting than see him. And everything I said he twisted…….I said I felt unheard…….I said Im feeling sad and dont like the conversation so I was going to hang up.

    I feel so confused right now?



  55.  #55Camille on December 1, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    He also stated that it hurt his feelings that I was concerned about going window painting at all, this evening.

    I dont understand why that would hurt his feelings? Can someone explain his perspective for me.



  56.  #56Starla on December 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    53 camille

    lean back, i think you did fine. he’ll come to you, and you can tell him with feeling messages that you felt so misunderstood, and that you don’t want to be accused of not caring when you’re trying specifically to make time for him.

    He will apologize.



  57.  #57tinque on December 1, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Mochaberri – First of all that was a hurtful thing he said, and I think you could have said as much. eg. “Oh wow that really hurt or this feels bad/weird to hear.” And then go on and tell him what you said here. “When I haven’t seen you in a few days, I feel a bit disconnected. It takes me a little while to feel this again, and then the feelings overwhelm me, and sometimes I don’t know what to do with all of this emotion.”

    How does this feel to you?

    xxoo Dominique



  58.  #58tinque on December 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Mocahaberri – Just read more of your history. Yeah it sounds as though he feels a bit insecure; maybe he fears what happened once will happen again.

    Rebuilding trust takes some time, and you may have to “swallow” some of his fearful and thus hurtful comments now and then. You can only show him that you are faithful. Saying so means nothing really.

    But on the other hand, repeated comments like he made about you getting it elsewhere is not healthy for him, nor is it for you, so expressing this to him is important, calmly of course.

    xxoo



  59.  #59Camille on December 1, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Tinque..
    I am assuming that post was for me that addresses Mochaberri?? If not it certainly relates directly to me.

    Thank you! I was so upset that I cant think of anything to say with feeling messages or without some hurt and anger right now.

    It was a hurtful thing to say……and I was very hurt by it. And now I feel sad and at the moment am not excited at all to see him.

    Id like to be able to turn that around……….but if Im being authentic to myself Im feeling hurt and angry and dont even want him to come home. hhhuuuummmpppp

    Not the way I pictured our reunion. I feel dissappointed too!



  60.  #60Camille on December 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Oh Tinque OOOPS!
    but your answer to Mochberry resonated with me so (two birds……one stone?) lol



  61.  #61tinque on December 1, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Camille – Like Starla said though I would tweak the end bit a bit, eg. “I felt so misunderstood, and I don’t want that between us. It would feel so good to spend some time together tonight, and I have arranged my schedule so that we can.”

    xxoo Dominique



  62.  #62Camille on December 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Starla,
    Thank you, I will do just that lean back!
    How far should I lean back? Should I be home when he arrives? or should I go paint a window and wait to here that he has arrived home? What do you think?



  63.  #63Daria on December 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Haven’t finished but feeling excited and vindicated that my stuff about parenting pertains .

    And now I feel guilty.

    And I live me and feel excited to read this article.



  64.  #64tinque on December 1, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Camille – Our posts crossed, but it all seems to have worked out well.

    xxoo Dominique



  65.  #65Hopeful on December 1, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    FeminineWoman – Thanks for the link. I will check it out.

    Where did you get that Carol Allen quote? Is that from her ebook?

    Thanks.



  66.  #66mali on December 1, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Ohmigosh, I LOVED this post, and it really strikes a chord with me… Thankyou for this, Rori. I feel all warm and loved!



  67.  #67lk on December 1, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    i just volunteered to stay late at work. what is my problem?

    @Camille 62

    Go paint the window! : )



  68.  #68Starla on December 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    I think I just blew CF’s mind by taking “no, sorry” for an answer.



  69.  #69luzydel on December 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    48: Hopeful

    Yep I believe that, men lack the capacity of being compassionate and loving (from my experience). I was just trying to practice being open, but I guess it is better to tell him to F*ck off and leave me alone.

    Being open means being open to another heart break; no thanks.



  70.  #70Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    LG – you might like reading about unschooling and peaceful parenting…

    i really liked http://www.sandradodd.com/unschooling

    and I would put a Rori spin to it too.

    And you might like Freebirth too, which is about birthing baby at home with loved ones and so not having trauma and stress around baby’s birth…



  71.  #71Queenbee on December 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    I have to be honest. It’s hard to accept but I really was not authentic when I saw HAman on Friday night. It’s not even HAman that I care about so much as how I’m being and maybe, probably that’s affecting why I’m still single.

    Today I came to the point of accepting that he does not call me because he does not want to. He takes another woman out because he wants to.

    There’s just nothing more to analyze about it.

    I feel sad.

    So how I acted when I saw him. First, I knew he would be there… and possibly with a woman. To be honest, I had nothing planned except leaning back and focusing on what I went there for.

    Then we ended up sitting right next to each other, and the other woman on his other side… lol 🙂 Then he gives the ‘fancy meeting here ….’.

    It was pretty obvious to me so whatever…. Anyway, point is I shut down… all the while pretending my heart was open but it really wasn’t.

    I felt angry that he brought that woman.

    I refused to ask him how he was doing and I responded coldly to him in every instance… all the while pretending it was okay.

    What I felt like doing was vampire screaming. Instead I drank 3 glasses of wine to survive the evening.

    Yes, I was definitely in survival mode and denial… lol.

    I don’t know. What does one say to a man in this situation?

    How could I have kept my heart open to a man who was completely breaking it bringing that woman along even though he knew I would be there… after 7 months.

    Why would he follow me around talking about how happy he was to see me etc.?

    What could I have said?

    Any show of caring for him would have made me feel humiliated seeing that he brought another woman.

    I felt crushed and only worked to handle myself in the best way I knew how.

    I don’t feel guilty, wrong or bad. Sure, it does hurt my self-esteem… thinking…WTF or why didn’t he pick me?

    How come I’m still single? What do I do that makes men withdraw?

    Damnit, I feel so angry, sad and scared.

    Perhaps Reconnect could help me to move past the point of where a man withdraws at the 3 month juncture.

    Sirens, what do you think?

    xoxo



  72.  #72Starla on December 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Here’s what happened: he called me this morning to tell me he wanted to come by my house tonight to drop off some herbal party favors for me and my girl friend who is visiting from out of town, as I am completely out. I asked if he wanted to just pick me up from work first, so that we would have some alone time without my friend being there. He said he honestly didn’t, because of traffic across town in the snow storm to get to me, but if I really needed a ride he would be there. I said I didn’t NEED the ride, just that it would just feel nice to see him, and I wouldn’t be hurt if he couldn’t make it. He said he’d text me later about if he could.

    Well, he texted me not too long ago and said he didn’t think he would make it in time because something with his mom came up and he needs to meet with her. He apologized, but I felt sooooo triggered, and I tried to negotiate it into a yes, saying I didn’t mind if he was late picking me up and that I felt bummed, etc. Then he starts apologizing more profusely, saying he doesn’t think he can do it, and he’s stressin cuz so much is going on for him this afternoon, and said he would make it up to me and was so sorry.

    At first I did feel really triggered, but we never planned on him giving me a ride home – it was just an idea I had to spend time together alone. I could see how bad he felt about disappointing me, and how much of his own personal stress he was dealing with, so I sank into my feelings, and then I felt much better.

    I texted him back “It’s okay:) You have nothing to be sorry for. It was just an idea:):)”

    His response was so grateful and relieved. He thanked me for being so understanding and wonderful. I think most men are used to women flippin their sh*t in situations like this. I wrote back, and said “no worries” and said that it felt sweet that he was clearly concerned with not disappointing me, and thanked him for making me feel important all the time.

    I worked through my trigger and just felt compassion and understanding, rather than taking it personally.

    I have gotten into so many arguments with men in the past over similar scenarios! I feel realllllly proud and happy.



  73.  #73Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I feel pist and angry and forgotten taht everyone it seems is now talking about minimal haircare and about raising children peacefully

    but when i talk about it people think im razy or arent really paying attention – “my nv ‘impression”

    and im like feeling all pist and sad and left out now

    i love my feelings/!

    wow awesome triggers.

    I personally don’t wash my hair at all – maybe once like every 3 months i will wash it with a bar shampoo,

    i just scalp massage and brush it pretty much everyda and that ‘drycleans; it

    not htat anytone give s a ‘fuchk’ about what *I* do

    that ok, i have really long pretty hair and guys jock me and stuff

    it could be a bit better at the ends lately

    anyway yeah i lll let other people do their thing and then ask me wow daria how your nakils and your hair so long oh wow yeah

    wow i feel mad

    and i feel mad about he unschooling peoople who yelled at me when i talked about sharing my emothions,

    theyle lik eno the child feels a certain way cuz therses an unmet need you gotta find and meet

    but not just acknowledge their feeligns like the lady above says

    and now i fele confused! and pist!

    and pist how i think of cool stuff and then the relst of the world gets on it

    and then im like feeling forgotten and lik i missed the boat

    and jealous!

    so jealous

    and sad

    and ehlpless

    and wht is wrong with me ish despiar

    i love me

    so glad to be feeling these things and

    therefoe healing them

    love me

    love me

    of course Hawkman did not meet me at 4 fuchk u

    fuchk u too cd

    and T man

    and even that Z man who was gonna be so nice

    and even everyne

    ugh

    except Getright called but who cres

    ive been calling him so now he calls but i heard hes till dating tha tgirl

    and my friend is still hating on me to the guy we were both dating

    adn now i put myself

    no i didnt

    it happened

    ugh

    love me

    healing healing



  74.  #74Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Queenbee – this reminds me of my situation a few days ago

    i guess i would want to say to him “are you mad at me”
    i didnt say it

    ugh

    ick trigger/!

    yeah in that situation i couls say “wow this feels so bad to see you …. i still have so much feelings for u and i feel awful and actually shut down to see you here with someone else”



  75.  #75Artemisia on December 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    I am new on this site, just recently bought the Circular Dating and the Modern Siren Programs. And I am finding it really difficult and I feel scared to start CD. I tried holding eye contact with a few guys on the street or in the bus, and I couldn’t do it even for a second. I felt so scared. How am I ever going to have anyone to ask me out? Has this ever happened to anyone here and how did you get past that?

    The other issue is that I have feelings for a man who only has friendship feelings for me. For a while we did do the “friends with benefits” thing, and he had warned me from the very beginning that he could not see us as a couple, but that he only saw me as a friend. Then he told me that he has met someone with whom he was starting a relationship and that we had to stop meeting for sex. And even though he had told me before that he didn’t have feeling s for me, I was hoping that he eventually might. What is also difficult that sex with him was the most amazing that I have had in my life (I haven’t had many men, so I know) – and what I am referring to here is not even the quality of the sex itself, but how I felt during it emotionally and psychologically. I felt totally and completely safe with him and I felt that I could completely melt into him and be submissive (and I loved that part). The experience felt custom-made for me. This is the part that I miss most.

    And, of course, I feel the desire to move on and re-activate my life and my passion for life, but I do feel that below all this there is a motive that I am doing this, so that he might start to see me in a new light and fall for me. I know that there will be many benefits from using the tools and doing the CD (once I get over my fears), but is it wrong to have this little hope that he might see me in a different light? Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated. Love to all…



  76.  #76Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    and i fele pist and resentful that everyones always asking or pointing to tinque or feminine woman’s help and im like

    what about me

    oh i got forgotten again
    a
    nd then i argue with myself well likei havent actually been gibing advice lately

    and so its ‘my fault’ or something

    and i love me

    and i feel svared and actually shut down to even write this and im writing it for my healing

    aaachhh

    and actualy not mamy people comment on my post

    except lk yesterday thanks lk

    and i feel guilty that people did comment and i said nothing

    and im like ACk im ‘letting them’ ‘get away’ just like men

    and actualy i have men i haven’t gotten back to that im gonna do that now actually



  77.  #77Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    sorry for my ‘mean tone’ about other people while I’m processing this,

    i notice the ‘blamy, hopeless tone’ of my pattern and im writing it out part like that to be aware of it and heal it



  78.  #78Femininewoman on December 1, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Queenbee I recommend Reconnect. It really helps and gives a lot of information to help you help yourself.



  79.  #79Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Starla I know you wrote me too on the other thread to lean back

    i did at least outwardly and havent contacted that Cd even tho i been kinda leaning forward contacting damn near any other man blah

    heal heal heal

    heal heal heal

    i also manifested some cool fun last nite



  80.  #80Queenbee on December 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    wow Daria. OMG! I would fall apart before I could say that. Or my tongue could just get caught… lol.

    Yes! That would have been the perfect thing to say. Though I don’t know if I have ‘feelings’ for him. I mean… sure I do… but I’m not 100% sure what those feelings are.

    Perhaps I buried it all deep when he poofed and everything felt wrong at the time. I still feel angry at the way he treated me 7 months ago. So I guess, I feel shut down in general and in all ways towards him I suppose.

    Ick. I wish I could have a re-do. But I guess my real fear is that he would want me back and then I would not know what to do with him.

    I don’t want a man who stresses my life. I don’t want to get stressed and hurt, sad, angry, unhappy. lol… even though that’s what I’m feeling even now without him.

    Oh boy. It’s the going around in my head that’s a bug.

    I don’t want to deal with his damn Tango class, which he didn’t invite me to.

    I mean, if a man dances tango and doesn’t invite the woman he is dating, he’s obviously dancing with other women. DUH!

    Anyway, I feel secretly happy that I don’t have to learn tango or bother with it. Although it might have been fun if he had inspired me and made it easy and just a natural thing.

    But now I feel as if it’s this thing that I’m in competition with and I just don’t want to be in competition, nor do I like the feeling and I know I would not win anyway.

    So what’s the point. There is no point. I should be happy I not with him and now that I know I could talk to man like what you said Daria, I’ll just wait for the next man to show up.

    Sounds like I’m still shut down and scared.

    At least I know what I feel now… yay!!

    Thanks Daria!

    xoxo



  81.  #81Queenbee on December 1, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Thanks FW. I’m really considering Reconnect. Or perhaps Toxic Man, that could be interesting.



  82.  #82tenny on December 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    @ Rori

    Thanks for the article and the post! Looking forward to reading more of her work. I recognized the underlying theory almost immediately!



  83.  #83Daria on December 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Im feeling really GUILTY about being “aloof”

    this is somthing big im healing right now

    for example like not leaning over – physsically – towards a man. in bed or, in the car, or, on the couch

    or on the bus sitting together

    and theylre like, i like it when a woman grabs my face and kisses me, but some dont do that

    and im there like, *I* dont do that

    and it does seem taht slowly but surely they start leaning over to me ,and touching me

    but i also get the impression they get more insecure as time goes on until – the blowup, the other shoe drops or seomthing

    ugh!!

    and how do i deal?

    am i being COLD by not wanting to come to them, even when they call me?

    theyre like, kiss me!

    come closer

    and im like

    ill only come so close

    so they have to lean in and kiss me

    UGH

    and i feel so scared inside

    with 3 cds

    that im being COLD
    this is a familiar feeling

    im being aloof

    wiht Dman, i noticed i had a challenging time to look in his eyes

    cuz i had constant thoughts about him with his babymama, and how he doesnt really like me ‘like that’

    in a romantic, care for me way

    so it felt like i was FORCING myself to look in his eyes

    like i was chasing him by doing that, like violating some unwritten rule

    like i was pushing and being agressive by doing that

    ugh

    it felt humiliating to have those thoughts

    good for me for healing some fo them

    .

    and then with men sometimes if im ‘over there’ in thinking towards them i get really weird vibes

    like with Dman in bed i kept getting thoughts that of course i should have sex with him, etc etc

    but when i leaned back in my mind to me, it was more about me and not like that

    its almost like he was using mind power to get in my psychic space and make it likely to do me

    and then when i DIDN’t have sex with him, after i asked him to go down on me whcih he used to feel shy about and maybe still does but i fel more confident and realaxed so i asked and it hpapend ! (yay)

    he dint really cuddle me

    eh said nothing was wrong but he never really came back to cuddle me and i felt kinda

    ‘neglected’

    and my heart felt achy

    but i didnt want to leave, i felt sleepy too, i DID want to leave

    cuz i felt mad in a way with all those thoughts i was having about his babymama

    ugh

    and he was ‘nice’ but it almost seemed not real

    and i feel awful and humiliated kinda

    and on top of that all this was in my head kinda stuff

    and i love me too

    and i DID lean back and have him give to me tho i felt uncomfortble and guilty

    and now im like oh he wont like me anymore

    and i feel sad

    i feel unworthy and sad

    and i love me

    and i feel so safe and easy and at hom eiwh Dman

    in many ways id want him to be my husband and i almost told him that

    i dono if thats wise

    cuz tehn i notice ok but i dont like to feel neglected

    id like him to be my husband IF he was really into me and i didnt feel neglected
    AND

    etc

    i love me

    heal heal heal

    ALOOF ALOOF



  84.  #84tenny on December 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    @ Starla (72)

    I loved reading your post. It made me feel better. I’ve been riffing but not communicating afterwards. You did awesome. I’m inspired to keep at it. Thanks for sharing your experience



  85.  #85Daria on December 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Queenbee – big hugs! i feel so good you liked what I wrote

    am here trembling and feeling scared… babysteps

    lately i have found myself saying some of those ‘amazing’ things naturally, and i have found myself still feeling frozen around other situations… big healings happening



  86.  #86Radiance on December 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Wow… Daria, I finally feel compelled to write directly to you

    and

    about you

    I feel sorry that I have not told you sooner how amazing that I find you

    you have really rocked my world

    and changed me

    for the better

    i believe

    i have even copied your maximal white space spacing style in some emails to a CD

    isn’t that funny?

    i ordered Morrocan Method samplers because of your recommendation of it

    and have started brushing my hair and massaging my scalp daily, nightly

    because of YOU

    YOU

    Daria!! the witch, unique voice

    amazingly bold woman

    sexy soul

    that has been an amazing influence in this lurker’s life.

    I feel sorry that I did not speak my Daria praises sooner.

    I even copied your email address some time back with the idea that I would privately email you sometime.

    I actually even considered sending you $$ when that whole crazy discussion erupted recently, but then thought it would be good to send $$ to Rori our host(ess) first. So I bought the e-book. After months of lurking. You triggered that.

    You, Daria.

    I have felt scared of you

    I have felt scared of your strength.

    Your power.

    so many things.

    I could say more.

    But I will stop here.

    In my recent posts expressing gratitude for the sirens who post here, you are one of the foremost posters that I am thinking of.



  87.  #87Daria on December 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Rori – what do you think about this ‘aloof’ thing. like when guys tell US to get closer, or come across the room, and it feels like we’re being asked to ‘do’

    and *I* say no, and then feel afraid that im being COLD

    ugh

    and actually in my mind im feeling kinda turned off to be asked and resistant and judgemental of him for asking me instead of coming to me and giving to me

    and maybe its a thing that happens that im not looking at my feleings right then? ike not looking at ‘it feels uncomfortable being asked that’ and instead going to the thoughts and resistance

    or ‘i don’t want to come there, i feel wierd being asked… and it Would feel good t be close to you, im feeling disconnected now’

    i feel all frowny and concentrated

    I would like to heal this



  88.  #88Radiance on December 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Daria…

    see how you expressing your feelings triggered me into expressing mine?

    Remarkable learning for me?!!

    Thank you!



  89.  #89Daria on December 1, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Radiance – omgosh thank you. i feel so moved i am sobbing with tears

    i feel so touched and scared and unworthy

    when i first started reading your post – i feel ashamed about this and i love me anyway – i tightened up and braced and thought oh she’s just writing this cuz my wirting came across as demanding praise and she got triggered now to overfunction and give –

    ogm it feels so uncomfortable to write that im really sorry for any discomfort to you to see my judgements

    i feel like i can’t stand myself with all these judgements of people i have

    i love me

    guh

    omgosh

    then half way reading the comment i overed my face and started crying and im crying now too cux u said im a witch and unique voice aand i feel so moved

    crying crying crying

    waaaaah

    i want to feel this honored in my life all the time

    ohhh i feel so desperatedly unwrothy

    i love me

    babysteps

    thank u



  90.  #90Queenbee on December 1, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Thanks Daria. The hugs feel good.

    I’m noticing that I’m still traumatized by my last relationship. I ended it 3 and a half years ago.

    After a 3 and a half year relationship, I was visiting his house during Easter. He was in a bad mood, got drunk, we had a fight, he called the police and I spent a night in the cell.

    I feel so hurt, angry, humiliated and sad.

    I guess any rich, white man who shows up in my life is going to trigger me.

    I think they are just out to get me and he’s just selfish. No matter who he is.

    It feels impossible to heal from this. So angry!!

    Another trauma! Just the bull$hit I needed in my life.

    Crap! I feel so upset!!



  91.  #91Daria on December 1, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    achh!!

    i feel scared to feel honored!

    if eel unworthy

    i feel afraid its cuz im making myself better than others which is ‘bad’ and not healthy for me and its my learned pattern and im afraid i will be doing this unconsciously forever and ever

    and im judging my dad for it and feeling hopeless about having learned to think this way ugh

    i love me

    i feel icky and im healing im healing

    i feel sleepy



  92.  #92Daria on December 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Queenbee – more hugs

    i ‘get’ that feeling of feeling impossible to heal

    tahts waht i think aobut my ‘better than others’ thing

    im gonna just choose now to believe it IS possible to heal and its already healing, even if i don’t think its really possible

    HA!

    some EFT might feel nice now



  93.  #93Queenbee on December 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Thanks again Daria! You are amazing!!

    Goodnight Sirens. Feels great to be back on. I intend to heal all this and get me the relationship I want.

    I feel smiley.

    And definitely not with Tango man. I think I’ll call him tango man from now on. Not HAman (as in HotAmazing). That was him in the past. This is me now and I already feel lighter.

    I love me and I will be okay. I feel softer now.

    Thanks Daria, for lightening me up. You are a true gift on this Island.

    Love!!



  94.  #94Lilybelly on December 1, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    Mel and AG~

    I so love this:

    “So miss me. Send me some love and light every time you think of me, then drop it.”

    Thanks for helping me to remember it.



  95.  #95Radiance on December 1, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    I only have a sec and I wanted to say

    Hugs Daria

    you write and express

    and I learn so much

    thank you…



  96.  #96Radiance on December 1, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    I am grateful to ALL the sirens and posters

    from newbies

    to the wise women who have been around awhile

    the ones revealing their trials
    expressing their vulnerabilities, insecurities, intense and uncomfortable feelings

    and the ones sharing their insights and successes and wisdom

    and together we all learn

    and grow

    and I am grateful.

    Thank you to all Sirens!



  97.  #97Daria on December 1, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    thank you…



  98.  #98luzydel on December 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    So many relationship advise is frustrating me…

    Sort of like it is all in my hands and sometimes I feel that it isn’t. That even though I have learn and become a better person with all these experiences, I cannot do much to have the right man for me. It either happens or it doesn’t. What if I am not to be in a serious relationship, and I was meant to have multiple lovers and be happy with that? or travel the world and experience different things? What if I am doing it all wrong and following some societal cliche, that tells me I have to be in a relationship?
    Perhaps happiness is in accepting my present moment of broken hearts and loneliness as it is. What if I don’t CD, etc. and let things unfold on its own?

    I am tired of trying, I need a new approach. One that makes me happy no matter what.



  99.  #99Daria on December 1, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    I am calling some of the CD’s back and I now have a short and sweet CDate tomorrow evening

    a CD will be taking me to the mall and then to eat at the mall food court. i feel amused. he likes Panda Express.

    this is one of my ‘good’ CD’s that i don’t feel sexually attracted to but he really likes me and has given me rides sometimes when i needed one

    it will feel nice to spend some time at the mall with him doing stuff i would not be doing myself



  100.  #100Daria on December 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    also another one that i thought i pushed away by teeling him curtly to call me when he can come see me seems to have figured out publice transportation and wants to see me saturday

    but he will call to confirm for sure tomorrow

    and i did feel somewhat attracted to him and he wants to be my lover and it might feel nice



  101.  #101Daria on December 1, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    hehe. i have a confirmed CD date with another guy now on Saturday

    so the poor guy who wanted to see me won’t be able to that day aww



  102.  #102lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    can i have help? is anyone here right now?



  103.  #103lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    i missed a call from CDcd & we were supposed to have a date Saturday (a concert & maybe a museum too…) so i called him back as i was leaving work (super late) & we chatted for just maybe 5 min.

    he said his heat is out & he spent the day shoveling snow & that if it snows Saturday (as forecast) he won’t be able to go to the concert.

    wellllll…. then i did mention that i would be getting off early tomorrow (because of working so much this week) so he said, if you do get off – call me & we can hang out….

    WELLLLL i know i’ll get off between 12:30 & 3… there is the off chance that something horrid would happen with a particular project (fingers crossed!)… but I think I will get to leave sooner.

    so can i call him back NOW, not tomorrow? & also, if I say, maybe i can come up there – because i have my snow tires on & everything…….. i could bring a movie – I COULD OVERFUNCTION LA LA LA LA LA haha… ummmm…. ? ?

    i just want to say, oh actually, i’m pretty much sure I’ll get off early & you said you’d be free………. then let him talk? then i could say… oh i don’t know. never mind. grumpy lk. humbug. frowny face. crumpled eyebrows. stomps foot, crosses arms, rolls eyes.

    i’m going to go put away my laundry : (



  104.  #104lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    & also @Daria

    this makes me think of you: “The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next”

    it’s a fortune i got in a cookie : ) i kept it in a locket, but now it’s with some sage grass —- giving it that intent : )))) when i burn it, i’ll be like, this one’s for you, daria!



  105.  #105Loralei on December 1, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    how do we ask rory for advice and she respond?



  106.  #106Daria on December 1, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    🙂 mmm thank u lk that feels so good

    aww i feel so good and seen on the island now



  107.  #107Daria on December 1, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    lk – hmm … sounds like you might be feeling theres a pull Toward this particular man…

    i feel sad right now thinking of that feeling



  108.  #108lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    what is my problem today? i want a cigarette : ( & excd thought i was asking him out to dinner ? what is he smxking lol… ummm….. my bossman is so sweet & kind of mean…. he must feel very paternal toward me. i can feel that he loves me, even though if you asked him he’d be like, “ohhhh, lk…yeah, she’s a little bit of trouble” but he’d laugh & smile like dads do… HAHA & writing that makes me remember that he mentioned, “you’d better do a find&replace for ampersands in that document.” LOL

    & by the way – when i type “LOL” I literally am thinking it… like really slow too. not like i’m laughing – like, i’m SAYING, “Ell oh ell” hahahahaha now i really am giggling JOKES i am not. i’m sitting quietly in my kitchen with my left foot up on the chair, knee crooked into my elbow, my right toes curled against the linoleum. i have an Amber Woodchuck Hard Cider that is half full (i’m an optimist LOL) & there is fruit & paper & jewelry & fake flowers everywhere. also, have the bag of sage grass next to my arm so that i could type the note to Daria without missing any words : )

    ok – & if you guys are curious – I know you are!! –

    Daily numbers: 9 5 6
    Lotto Six #s: 3 5 41 37 23 30

    I’m going to roll a jxint so i can smoke something. no nicotine though : / lol that i think that —- OH & when i type the lowercase “lol” that just means i think it’s kind of funny – exact same as haha. LOL is my big gun. or, obviously, sometimes hahahahhahhahah but that looks so lame because i’m not laughing, i’m explaining my interweb terminology.

    sqw sent me a bunch of songs & emails but LIKE A FREAK i haven’t listened to them… anyway, listened to 1 & it came with only the lyrics in the body of the email. well… holy shxt.

    “you’re so sensitive, you can feel a single hair curl while you’re sleeping & each millimeter of your fingernails grow”

    i don’t want to stop typing to look up those lyrics to double-check, but that’s what i keep playing in my head.

    then it goes, “i’ll write soon” & promises or something… i forget. i kind of only just noticed that line, though i listened to that song for a while at work today.

    A 12-HOUR DAY. awww poor baby haha… yeah, i do NOT feel sorry for you. you have food in your kitchen, family, clothes, warmth, MASSIVE shelter in my opinion (lol i do live in a tiny little apartment) compared to how small I am. this place could house AT LEAST 4 more people. at least.

    what else? man, this is feeling good….

    oh, my yoga instructor to me said, “you’ve obviously been practicing yoga for a while” & i said, actually i haven’t taken in a class in a year & a bit, so she goes, “oh, so you have a home practice”

    wow, that amazes me.



  109.  #109Daria on December 1, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    lk – aww it felt bad when i read “i do NOT feel bad for you”

    i felt sad like aww and kinda alert like there’s some don’t be nice to self beliefs there somewhere

    **
    Daria stuff:

    i did a great job holding on to my boundaries and i want REWARD now. i don’t want to feel this sad scared, sad, sad feeling

    this piny heart achy feeling

    feelig like im not good enough to fully attract him (them)

    🙁

    i want my reward of amazing feel good stuff for holding my boundary

    i feel kinda pist!



  110.  #110lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    um, the point about sqw wasn’t that he wrote to me… lol…. it was just that *I* wasn’t being a freak & like analyzing it like CSI. i just got the email, read the lyrics x1, put the song in my music. all normal & matter-of-fact. that’s good to have a little fever pass — you see what i just did there? I’m winking at you sqw : )

    anyways, yes, thanks daria – i do feel a little pull.. anyone i say anything to about this guy is like, wow sounds like he gets you… but I know *i’m* the one telling them about him. bah – oh well, i’ve decided not to call, though maybe i’ll call early morning tomorrow : ) that’s a good compromise



  111.  #111Daria on December 1, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    i feel a bit shaky, like insecure

    like vulnerable and also with like a fear that im acutally attracting abuse nad people to beat me up becuase im vulnerable rigth now

    love me



  112.  #112lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    fxck. i only have the bad wxed left… that’s a little sad.. oh well, i do have something & that is cause for celebration : )

    the socks they sell these days aren’t even worth darning, they fall apart so fast. it’s nuts.

    now i’m like, awww kids these days – shaking cane from front porch rocker – terrible fashions, terrible music, afront to common moral decency SQUAAAWK

    lol, anyway… this cider reminds me of college & this orange reminds of the poor sweet girl with a name like money, hair like pennies, who lost her mother & burned men with her eyes



  113.  #113lk on December 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    is that the root of that idiom – “give a darn” – ? – like, maybe care enough to repair it?

    well, i don’t give a darn. i won’t google it.



  114.  #114Daria on December 1, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    wow this feels hauntingly sad and intriguing

    ” this orange reminds of the poor sweet girl with a name like money, hair like pennies, who lost her mother & burned men with her eyes:



  115.  #115Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    So much catching up to do. This blog’s on fire! Reading this – particularly Rori’s comments -made me think of something I learned here that I’ve been practicing recently with great results. And that is…stating my wants and then dropping it. It seems I tried it before with not much success, but right now I’m seeing that I state what I want, I keep my heart unzippered and stay open – then I drop it and watch with amazement as MM gives me what I want. He usually seems resistant at the time we’re talking about it and I tell him it’s ok, it doesn’t have to come from him, but it’s what I want and I drop it. Move on, stay open (which is like magic for me – it used to be so hard to do) and Poof! Like more magic, next thing I know, I’m getting what I want.

    I think the most important thing is that in my heart, I really don’t expect him to give it to me. If he does, cool, if not, I know what I want and that I will take care of me and make sure I get what I want. He just happens to step up, I guess because he doesn’t feel pressured. And everytime, I feel surprised. Pleasantly, magically surprised.

    Thank you Rori, and all you Sirens for your support and for helping me to change my life.

    Now…to catch up on all these posts…



  116.  #116lk on December 1, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    @Starla —

    “I was thinking, that i might fly today…just to dis-prove all the things that you say” : )

    i asked exCd today, please be careful with me – i’m very sensitive & I do like you & think you’re very funny but sometimes, please do be careful, thank you.

    then i did the full sink of kitchen dishes. why was i being so nice today? bringing coffee for lady & cleaning her space… & making myself food & getting all set for yoga & a long day… that’s nice lk! thanks! wow & now i’ve done my own dishes & sorted my laundry… haha… which made it look way worse – now it’s just a few pieces of clothing on every surface : /

    ok, just rolled this very fat : ) this one’s for the island… & also, brittany murphy. i came across a video of her recently & it was just so lovely & i thought, what a sweet girl……. & sort of fragile & almost transparent (in all senses of that word).

    not sure if i’m just loyal to my generation, but i really think clueless is a legitimately awesome movie. i still crack up at it & get new jokes every time. watched it recently, bawled through like… all of it haha…. & those characters are all acted so well – like, so nuanced (Ty, Cher & Dionne at least LOL that i did not even hesitate with their names, though not positive of that Di spelling)

    also, jane fonda.

    there’s a jane fonda moment in clueless, in case anyone things i’m unglued.

    these earrings that look so good on me would look way better on the money name girl, but we aren’t really “friends” anymore i think so i don’t know how i’d give them to her.



  117.  #117Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    I feel reluctant about the “no discipline” form of child-rearing. I tend to believe Dr. Spock was way off base. I’m no expert, but my friend raised her kid this way and she’s a holy terror. I was the only person in her life as a child who would tell her “no” and I’m pretty much the only adult in her life now who she respects. She’s 13, has been in trouble at school, with the law, etc.

    Maybe no discipline isn’t what’s being proposed here, but I feel cringing inside when I think of raising my kids with no discipline. Lots of parents seem to revolve their lives around their kids and as a result, the kids seem to expect the world to revolve around them when they’re older. It’s a huge shock for them when they get out into the world and everyone’s not falling on their knees, giving them their way.

    But then, I never felt like I was inherently bad as a child and I don’t believe my parents felt that way, either. I felt loved and cherished, but I was definitely disciplined. My Dad was the King of Consistency too, though. If my brother and I were being rambunctious, he usually joined in. If he was on a business call or something, he would tell us to stop – twice. If he had to tell us a third time, there was hell to pay – period. So he gave us pretty good rein to be ourselves.

    This isn’t a huge trigger for me, but it’s a bit of a trigger. I think disciplining with love and compassion is the way to go.

    I feel scared that I’ll catch some flack for stating my beliefs here, but…I’m stating them anyway. This has been coming up in my life a lot lately, so…let the flack fly, I guess.

    What’s also been coming up for me a lot, is being true to myself, my beliefs and learning to stick to them without becoming defensive or feeling shy about it, so here we go with more personal growth opportunities. Yeeha!



  118.  #118lk on December 1, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    all of these selves & voices, i think you guys are all ok & let’s just have all of you & no pushing – ok, a little pushing… um, but play nice

    i guess maybe that’s what people do in a novel. put all the different parts of themselves (projected onto the other) as characters… then “integrate” them into a resolved narrative.

    i’ll resolve your narrative. (said in a voice like, that’s what she said). i don’t even get my own jokes..

    anyway, yes that is what melissa was telling me about all the other things (the past lives & the hiddendark secret parts) — just INTEGRATING.

    Which makes me still want to just tell everyone about quantum physics & the buzzing & the particlewave movement & the transition & the measuring & the gaze & the numbers & the yes & the no &

    also that it is not saying there is no God or “life is but a dream”…… just like you’re always saying, how did i get here? & it doesn’t seem possible that this has been a continuous stream of consciousness – & that the baby who thought – (quiet,still,nothing,warm,warm,warm,warm,warm) the typing sounds like a heartbeat – wum wumwum wum wumwum — looks like zebra stripes – the abstract the oh is that large? oh is that quieter or louder oh that is loud oh stop that is loud stop stop stop stop stop stop stop & that is mine. i do want that is that yours? is that yours? how impossible that you are not me. & that is dumb. i just don’t care. i can’t really focus on it. i don’t know what you are possibly talking about because all my synapses & dendrites & neurons are actually in a sort of “under construction” phase & so i’m not really sure how to talk to you about it. i have only just really been learning how lonely life is & how strange & how dark it really can get at night & how some nights are darker than others & sometimes it’s very peaceful in the dark & sometimes i cannot remember how i got here & i become very frightened & very uncertain about whether or not you are even someone i want to be telling this to.

    and of course, in that situation, all of us – all of us – have nothing better to do than pray.



  119.  #119Daria on December 1, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    i feel inspired reading sweetpea’s post

    like a glimmer of

    ok i want to be treated like the main lady of attraction and be romanced. Dman doesn’t have to give it to me, but i know i want it

    i want to be talked to respectfully and kindly… and CD doesnt have to give it to me, but i know i want it

    and that feels like Me distancing myelf from them

    a shfit from feeling sad that they’re distancing themselves from me



  120.  #120Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    FW,

    Re: 11 – I think I made a similar vow and I feel smiley reading I’m not the only one. Moi? Sabotage intimacy? Never! It was scarier to me than the boogie man was to me as a child for most of my adult life. I’m currently in love with my inner romantic. I denied her most of my life, too.



  121.  #121Daria on December 1, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    aww i feel sad and scared when people talk about no discipline and that it turns kids out to suffering

    i feel hopeless and desperate and disappointed

    it seems to me like ‘the world’ is ‘yet again’ not ready to heal and we will endure more controlling behavior and trauma and abuse until we finally allow freedom and love and support

    i feel pist that people dont seem to be reading the sources i post or ‘getting’ them the way i do

    it feels like pinching in my arm and my thigh sigh

    i feel hopeless

    theres nothing i can do

    and i NEVER believe that and

    at the same time i feel pressure like

    DO something to change it

    and i love me

    and i feel all tight and i just wanna honor that

    as margaret lynch says

    i just wanna honor that

    and that people have different beliefs and plans on controlling their children and behaving violently towards them

    and i just wanna honor that

    and i feel glad then sad

    glad i shifted my beliefs about this and that the idea tht it is even POSSIBLE to have people grow up NOT contorlled and be Healthy that way

    and that i ‘discovered’ this possibility

    and i love me awwww

    and just sad

    i awtn everyone to know

    like i want everyont to know tht its ok to be gentle with themeselves

    and that they don’t ‘need’ to ‘discipline’ themselves

    and taht they don’t need to ‘give’ more

    aww

    so hopeless

    so overwhelming

    so sad

    lots of compassion for daria for feeling all this

    feeling scared

    love to me



  122.  #122Daria on December 1, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    i feel so sad

    well here’s an article from that website i liked so much about parenting. and about taking some accepted beliefs that feel bad.. and not believing them

    in sweetpea’s post i got the belief… if i don’t control (discipline) my child, she will end up unhappy later and unable to thrive

    it is the absence of control growing up that brought on my friend’s child’s behavior

    i feel sad taht neglectful parenting gets confused with peaceful mindful parenting

    i feel like squeezing on my top teeth

    and sadness

    big overwhelming ness

    big hopelessness.

    i wanted to post an article i liked about ‘spoiling’ children and how that basically makes no sense as a concept

    and now i feel afraid to

    taht im posting it to try to make soemthing happen

    and i feel scared i will be pressuring or shaming on sweetpea

    and actually taht i did taht already in the beginning of my previous post

    and i feel sad and hopeless

    i want to be able to talk so authentically and clearly about this that people would :GET: me

    and it feels scary and overwhelming, these things feel so “URGENT”

    and what if i have all the time in the world?



  123.  #123Daria on December 1, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    im gonna post the article i liked and see how i feel after i post it:

    “Magical Thinking and Spoiled Children
    Sandra Dodd
    I won’t build up to the punchline: I don’t believe money makes kids spoiled, and I don’t think they will be spoiled by getting their way about things.

    It seems to me after all these years of hanging around discussions of whether it hurts to give kids what they want, that “spoiled” is a boogey man parents use to scare one another and themselves. From observation and nosiness/curiosity and teaching I’ve gathered a lab sample of lots and lots of families. I truly believe that very much of such behavior is genetic. And with that proposal there comes the modelling problem–nature or nurture?

    “Spoiled” has more to do with a bad attitude than with privilege and wealth (of stuff, or of attention, or of money). Selfishness and casual cruelty and thoughtlessness are the marks of being spoiled, whether a child has stuff or not. When a poor child is that way, people say “Well what do you really expect? Poor kid has nothing.” When a rich child is that way, they say “OH, it’s directly attributable to all that STUFF he has.”

    So parents who have traditionally wanted justification for treating children “like children” (seen and not heard, told to wait until they’re older, told things are none of their business) jump on this accepted social truth and use it as an excuse when they tell their kids “NO!” They disguise “no” as a kindness. “I don’t want you to become a spoiled brat.” Or they say “You’re only asking for this because I bought you something last year, so now I’m sorry I ever bought you anything,” and soon the insults are fast and furiously eroding trust and respect.

    It is possible for a parent to do more damage by giving something and then taking it back than by never giving anything at all. We know a kid with a sweet but poor dad and stepmom, and a more affluent real mom. She gives him COOL stuff–a guitar, a car–but then doesn’t let him have them or use them for all kinds of minor offenses. She sold something he had (I forget what) because he was “bad,” and she sold it without his approval–just sold it to strangers to teach him a lesson. The lesson he learned was his mom is not a reliable or fair person, and he rendered the car unsellable with a bat or a sledgehammer or something, just in case she was planning to benefit from taking that one back too. And she says he’s a bad, bad boy. Only at her house, it seems.

    So the attitude and intent seem more important than the dollar value or the mass of stuff.

    Holly, who just turned nine, gets an allowance of 75 cents per year of age, so she was, up to last week, getting $6 a week. Now $6.75.

    We took her to Disneyland. She had saved all her birthday gift money (which amounted to about $35 from her grandmothers and her brother), and her allowance for several weeks, and she had loaned me $20 a few months before and said “Keep it for Disneyland.” She had $104, some in cash and some in “the bank of dad.”

    She came back from three days at Disneyland with $84 and a cute safari hat.

    Nobody discouraged her from spending her money. She just doesn’t NEED anything, because she gets lots of things when she wants them, and so she doesn’t have that desperation to acquire.

    Kirby, at 14, gets $10.50 a week and he has a job that earns him $30 a week or sometimes a bit more.

    He bought one Mad Hatter hat and a little skull of Elvis (which he calls “the skull of pharaoh” after the pharaoh in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat) to use as a table marker for a game called 7th Sea. Marty was practically penniless. We kept offering to buy him something if he really wanted something. He finally got a skull (without pompadour) for a game marker, and a pirate scarf with Mickey Mouse ears (which he’s sharing with me). I think they knew if they had REALLY wanted something–a toy or a t-shirt or whatever–that they could have had it. So their decisions were not made on any basis except “Do I really want this? Would it make my life better to have it?”

    When a child is needy, he’s rarely needy of things. He wants proof of regard and affection but he might not know that. If his life needs to be made better, he’ll try whatever he can (until he gives up trusting and trying).

    I have known children with nearly nothing who suffer preventive deprivation by parents who don’t want to spoil them, who are bullies away from home and always clamor to have their way, to be first, to have more. I have known children who are given their way, an opportunity to be first, and more than they ask for, and they are fine with going second, with sharing, or with giving up the best seat to someone who just really wants it.

    There is no magical prevention for bad attitude, but if parents are modeling a bad attitude with their own unreasonable selfishness or arbitrary system of denying children, they should expect their children to show arbitrary selfishness to others.

    If you’ve never thought of these things, please consider them. If you find yourself thinking or saying anything like “You think you’re entitled to things” or “You’re so full of yourself,” please consider the effect this will have on the image a child has of himself. Children ARE entitled to love, protection, and positive experiences within the parent’s means. They SHOULD be full of self awareness and self regard.

    “You can’t give what you don’t have,” some people say, and if you want your children to give generosity and kindness and patience to others, you should give them so much they’re overflowing with it.”

    http://sandradodd.com/spoiled.html



  124.  #124Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    u know what would feel cool… if the unschooling site had even MOre or a Rori feeling thing to it

    i didnt’ feel quite ‘safe or supported’ in some ways on a grup i was part of, and they often wrote about, this isn’t for support, (commiserating) this is more about actually offering helpful stuff

    and i would think of Rori and how support is actually waht helps mucho

    and how i used to offer helpful critical advice instead

    and i want to heal this so much and be able to speak clearly

    i feel all pinched inside in my guts, like around my gallbladder and … my thigh and

    big breath

    close eyes

    lots of hopelessness

    i love my hoplessness

    my blanket of apathy

    i love my blanket of apathy feeling

    i intend to heal all this

    i feel ANGRY

    i love the hotness in my head

    i feel pinched in my middle ribs i feel scared

    i feel disappointed

    i feel shut down, tight

    i love my shut down, tight feeling



  125.  #125Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    i feel uncomfortable reading the post where i posted the article. i feel kinda good catching glimpses of it

    i feel ashamed

    i feel afraid that the article is a push by me and i feel

    like kinda icky and almost humiliated when im pushing now

    and i love me

    i love me mucho



  126.  #126Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    i feel scared to even read if anyone is responding to this and i feel kinda sick inside

    not safe

    and i will go on in daria world now

    I think it’s like hazing. Whatever psychology makes fraternities, military training facilities, high school football teams, etc., WANT to torment the new recruits is what makes adults torment children. They were tormented and their solace was that someday they would be the tormentors. How does it stop? People die. Football players and fraternity members and recruits die. And children die when parents believe that they have the right to “discipline” them or torment them, and when they think that other adults around them will not object. Even when they don’t die physically, they can die emotionally. Their will to live, and their self esteem, and their potential for joy and trust might never recover.”

    “Spanking jokes, in the first half (or more) of the 20th century, helped prevent people from looking at spanking, and probably helped them slough off residual emotional thoughts about having been spanked. If everybody did it, then it couldn’t be so bad.”

    pfft

    i feel scared

    i feel scared ill be accused of propagandaing

    i like those quotes i want to share

    i dont want to push

    i dont want to propaganda

    i dont want to do to adults what i dont want to do to my children as far as control

    i feel fear

    i feel kinda slumped



  127.  #127Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    this one feels inspiring too:

    “The Tale of When Other Moms asked Mary B
    “How do you Do It?”
    I belong to two local homeschooling groups. One group is quite active in getting together often. We all get along well and always show up for stuff. My kids have developed great friends with this group and so have I. We all see each other twice a week and some of us three or even four times. We know each other and our kids.
    So last park day, while the kids were all building forts in the woods, one mother just point-blank asked me how I do it. How do I parent like I do with never hitting the kids or disciplining them and turn out such great kids? To which all the other mothers agreed how great and easy my kids are. Wow!! I didn’t see that one coming. There had been a discussion weeks before with some moms talking about hitting their kids. My horror wasn’t able to be stifled and the one mom remembered how I felt and that’s why she brought up the subject. That if I never hit, how do I get the kids to listen and behave? (her words, not mine)

    So we all talked a lot about parenting and what I do and what I did and what I don’t do. And all but one mom was actually seeing what I was talking about. She was the one that originally asked the question. So when she asked me specifics, I would give her ideas to which she responded that it would never work for her girls and that she’s tried everything and nothing works. And although she wasn’t seeing help, all the other moms did.

    One mom relayed the story just recently where she makes her son clean up all his toys before he goes to bed. He can chose to not clean them up and she will, but she bags them all in the trash. When he went to bed crying saying he didn’t think he wanted to live there anymore, she put him outside in the back yard and told him to go. When he said he would miss his Bionicles, she bagged them up and handed them to him. He walked away crying and she called him back.

    I talked quite awhile with what I thought about that and other ways she could have handled it and more than that, how the poor little boy must have felt. How unsafe she made home for him and not at all unconditional. He’s six.

    She emailed me later that night saying how the one mom asked for advice and wouldn’t even think of taking any of it. She also thanked me for what I said and vowed to never get near that way of thinking and doing again. She felt awful about what she did.

    So I know I helped at least one little boy that day to have things be a little better. I know this mom will try much harder. She always gets such a kick out of my kids asking me for all kinds of things at the playground. Like can I have a drink, some crackers, can I go play, can I play in the woods, can I go over there? She said she has never heard me say no to them about anything, yet they keep asking me politely to do things. I guess they haven’t made the switch yet from mom can I go play in the woods to mom I’m going to go and play in the woods. I’m sure they will eventually. In the meantime, it seems to some I have completely polite and kind children who *must* have tons of rules to follow or else they wouldn’t act like that.

    To my group, they know better. They know Joe and me with our kids both out and at home. They know we don’t have rules and consequences for not following them. They know we have happy kids who are fun to be around. So maybe we’re helping more than just one little kid by just being around. I know a few moms have eased way up on the “school” part of life. One mom is very excited about unschooling and getting there. It feels good to make a difference.

    Mary B.

    that putting me out the house happened to me too. it felt awful and terrifying

    awful awful awful

    i remember. i don’t want that

    i sued to think its ok that i feel traumatized as a child and

    the IDEA

    the CONCEPT

    that its REALLY POSSIBLE TO NOT HAVE THAT!!!

    to have a peaceful not painful birth,

    to have a childhood where i feel loved and supported and not controlled

    well it feels THRILLING

    i WANT THAT

    i feel humbled or i supose that is blessed and honored

    really

    that i have had access to this belief and concept that i hadn’t encountered before

    and i am going for it

    whit my feelings to guide me

    i love me mucho

    i feel scared

    i love me anyway



  128.  #128Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Goodheart, @12:

    Love this! Me too, me too!!



  129.  #129lk on December 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    that article is cool daria

    i’m interested but i could only skim it – so sleepy – must cuddle myself

    goodnight sweet ladies… & thank you to Rori for creating such a nice haven here : )



  130.  #130Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    omg. this feels exciting. wow. this is like connecting me to Rori stuff

    i feel scared i will now really go into being judged

    and thats ok

    this is inspiring me

    it reminds me of how we learn here to speak feelings and ask for help from the man… but its with kids!

    wow

    “Do you know where I learned a lot of what I know? From my kids. Here is a confession of a large failing, but it turned out well. It is an account of Marty, my middle child, who looked so wise the day he was born. At the age of three he was, in words, teaching me to be a better mother. I have it in my diary, dated Monday, Oct 26, 1992.

    I was putting Kirby and Marty to bed because they were playing really rough and I was grouchy and tired. Marty wouldn’t help put things away, wouldn’t help set up his bed, and Kirby was doing most of the work. Then Marty was playing a kazoo and I told him to put it away. He put it down on a shelf by his bed and then in just a few seconds he was honking away full force and I said, “Put the kazoo away.” He just looked at me and kept playing it. I said, “Marty, I told you to stop. Put it away.” He didn’t. I said “I’m getting really grouchy about this stuff today. You don’t do what I ask you to do.” He didn’t stop. I swatted him on the thigh and said “Put it away.” He started crying and I swatted him again, and yelled “You still have the kazoo! Put it away” and I took it out of his hand, but squeezed his fingers in the process, and he was crying. I went to put a cassette tape on and said to both of them “Hitting wasn’t a good idea. I’m sorry I hit you, Marty. I couldn’t think of the best thing to do. I couldn’t think of a good-mom thing to do because I was mad. What do you guys think I should have done?”

    Marty said, “I know what to do, mom, when it’s in your arms and in your legs.” Marty was, at the age of three, describing an angry rush of adrenaline.

    “What?”

    “Just breathe. Breathe deep breaths.” That was the trick I had taught the kids, something I learned when I learned meditation. Oxygen will calm someone down.

    Kirby (who was five and a half) said “I know what. Just ignore it.”

    “Just ignore that he was playing the kazoo after I told him not to?”

    “Yeah.”

    Marty said with some excitement—”I have the best superdy-duperdy idea and it’s in my head”—pointing with both hands to his forehead.

    “What is it?”

    “You should just play with us.” (very matter-of-factly said)

    “Play with you with the kazoo?”

    “Yeah!”

    I said, “I’m going to go write these ideas down so the next time I get mad I’ll think about them.” And in the years since then I have thought about those ideas a lot. Instead of being my mother’s child, I am my children’s mother.”

    WOWO!!!!

    she said “what do you guys think i should have done?”

    wow wow wow

    i feel inspired

    i feel inspired

    i feel inspired

    i watnt to ask men more what they think

    that will rock



  131.  #131Tiffany on December 1, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    i love that about taking responsibility and yet giving up control. That’s the magic combination, isn’t it??



  132.  #132Tiffany on December 1, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    Wow – what a day.

    I hung some festive lights in my house. Just a tiny string. But they make me happy 🙂

    I cleaned my couch cover – something that should be done only once a year, because it is so dang hard to get back on. (Every time I do it, I swear the cover has shrunk. But no, it is just very, very snug…)

    I nearly lost my debit card in at ATM. When I realized it, I literally ran about 5 blocks back to the place i left it, and luckily there was a security guard there, and they’d brought it back to their office.

    I went to a lovely party at my friend’s house – girls’ night and craft party. It was a such a good time, and I feel so warm, and just NORMAL in this exceedingly good way. I just want to relish this…



  133.  #133Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    i feel sick in my tummy. squeezed

    i wish i could express myself without pushing sweetpea away

    sorry sweetpea, i get the impression i Did push you, somewhere in my post

    mf

    🙁

    babysteps

    actually this is much better than before, much less pushy, much more about expressing me

    i feel choked

    i feel sad

    i feel heavy in my chest and now chokin on spit while going mmm snd breathing

    i love me



  134.  #134Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    FW, @ 34:

    This is something I’ve really been working on. Rori talks in the e-book too, about practicing being open and not working toward the “big O” – just feeling the sensations and not working toward anything.

    I never noticed before I read that and became really conscious of it that I was working toward it. It’s so much more natural and flowing when I notice the sensations. I don’t think I’ve ever worried too much about satisfying the man during s*x though.

    Hmm – that was just a random thought.



  135.  #135Daria on December 1, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    omg horror sinking feeling horrible fear

    oh i want to heal this so much

    i can’t handle this

    i love me



  136.  #136Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Daria, @119 (and related posts following)-

    I feel compassionate toward you. I don’t believe that discipline is “beating” a child. I feel sad that most people seemingly don’t understand what “disciplining” is. Or at least they don’t have the same perception of it that I do.

    I feel grateful that my parents were smart and loving and good, compassionate disciplinarians and taught me that there are consequences when I don’t make good decisions. There are consequences in life too, when we don’t make good decisions and I think it was a valuable foundation for me. Life’s consequences are harsh – my parents never were. They were always compassionate and I knew they loved me more than anything in the world, even when they were giving me consequences for actions.

    I feel hurting heart for anyone who never experienced that kind of lesson growing up. I feel hurting heart for you, my lovely Siren. I sense that you must not have had the good discipline that I did as a child -that you didn’t experience compassionate consequences and I feel sad about it. But I know you will heal this for yourself – because you are an amazing medicine woman.

    I don’t want to debate with anyone around this. I believe many parents who engaged in corporal punishment and “discipline” went about it all wrong and that feels sad and icky to me. I believe there’s a difference between disciplining a child, giving them consequences and beating a child. A BIG, BIG difference.

    I just believe that letting children run wild and not teaching them that there are consequences in life leads to messed-up adults – as much so as children who are beaten. There has to be a balance there somewhere. And I feel confident and wish for, as do you, the world to heal this. In addition though, I wish for the world (and for me in the future) to find this balance.

    I feel thankful that my parents found the balance. This is why I believe I don’t find it highly triggering – only triggering in the sense that I feel sad.



  137.  #137Tiffany on December 1, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    …But I also leaned forward with “my man.” 🙁

    “My man” in this case, is K2. He’s been so super sweet to me, all week. Saying nice things. Texting me every day. He even cooked me chicken on Monday. That was delicious 🙂

    So I don’t know why I felt the “need” to text him this morning. There was no “need” to do it. I had simply had this dream that I wanted to mention to him. He wasn’t in it exactly, but it involved something we’d discussed. So I debated waiting for him to text me, or just send. well, I sent it. And that wasn’t so bad.

    But after we started texting back and forth, I started to feel like I wanted to see him. We had talked about doing something Saturday, but suddenly, I didn’t want to wait.

    It took a couple of tries, but I managed to put it into a feeling message. I said, “I feel happy. I don’t want to wait until Saturday. What do you think?”

    I said this, knowing full well that I already had plans with my girl friend and her friends tonight, but I sent it anyway. Well, three hours later, he said he couldn’t do it. Well, no big deal. I didn’t want it to turn into some kind of “booty call” anyway. Only now I feel anxious.

    Well, not really anxious. I feel fine. I know that it would have been too much to try to see him tonight. I’m tired. I need to sleep. I know I was asking too much, it was a “want” and not a “need.” But I’m afraid I’ve pushed the boundaries.

    And I must say, I was kind of hoping I’d hear from him tonight – we’ve talked almost (or maybe actually) every day since we met. But maybe it’s nice to have a break.

    I’m giving him a break, too, right?? I mean, I’ve been leaning forward all day. I know he likes sending me little text messages. So I have to stop doing that so he can do it, right?? Right. Whew. Okay. Deep breath.

    At least I resisted the urge to text to let him know that I got home (implying he should call me now – hint, hint). I didn’t do it.

    But I had to examine what’s going on. Why did I feel it was suddenly okay? Maybe, I think part of me, was thinking – ‘oh, he texts me so much. I’m allowed to text him first just this once. In fact, maybe he *wants* me to.’ But that’s BS. How do I know what he wants?? Yeesh.

    And also, I feel there is this comfort level. Like, at first, I’m all okay with leaning back. When I don’t know him, and I’m still figuring him out. I’m fine with just doing my own thing and letting him come my way. As soon as I feel comfortable, it’s like I give myself license to do the “wrong” thing. As if nothing matters when you are in a “relationship.” But it does matter! That’s what we’re talking about here, right??

    And I’m sure this all goes back to my parents’ example of relationship – which was a pretty bad example. Maybe not the worst ever, but definitely not ideal. They broke ALL of the rules, with each other, ALL of the time. And I’m sure they knew they were doing it. They actually did it in the “NAME” of love. They would even say things like, “See, I just did this thing, because I love your mother/father so much.” [Actually, my mother has never said that she loved my father. At least I can’t think of her saying it. I’m pretty sure she never did.] My mother was always out to CONTROL my father. And he not only LET her – he ENABLED her. Then he griped about it and badmouthed her behind her back and/or in front of her face to us kids. Okay, it was pretty bad. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing how horrible it was. I mean, I know it was horrible. But it’s painful to even remember all of this happening. It pained me at the time, but there was literally nothing I could do.

    And the message, over all, either covertly or overtly, was “When you are in a relationship, you can do whatever you darn well please to or with the other person, and you can say whatever you want, because that is part of ‘love.'” I.e. when you are “in love” there are no such thing as boundaries.

    Now, I KNOW (intellectually at least) that this is not at all true. But it is reeeeallly tempting not to behave as if that is the case. Oy.

    So I think that’s where this comes from. It’s really minor. I don’t think there is any real damaged caused. I am still practicing leaning back and staying in my feminine – now that I’ve realized what I’m doing.

    (Oh, and the other part is, I think I am entering PMS territory – always the time when I get extra “lean-forwardy” and “communicative.” Not to mention randy;)

    And, just to clarify, I am not under any illusion that K2 and I have “a relationship.” It just feels like it’s going that way sometimes, and so I think my subconscious mind is responding to that sensation and that comfort level. Even if I know it’s not necessarily in my best interests.

    Wow. It feels really good to write all that out.

    I still am hoping, vaguely, that he contacts me. But I’m also just going to get ready for bed and take care of myself. Part of my wondered, briefly, if he actually spent the night talking to other girls/women. He knows that I’m dating other men. And I don’t like that thought. But he’s free to do what he does. And I know that he likes me – a lot. So, I’m going to think about that. I’m going to keep that energy coming toward me. And I’m not going to “worry” about it by trying to “get” him to do stuff.

    I might be getting better at this. Not perfect. Not flawless. Just…better. More aware. More centered. I like it.

    Keep it coming!

    ‘night 🙂



  138.  #138Daria on December 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    “When parents are confident, centered, and certain,
    their children tend to feel more secure, relaxed, and
    cooperative.

    But as parents on the leading edge — constantly
    blazing new trails and facing the unknown — how can
    we be certain our choices are right? (Answer: We can’t.)

    The trick is to practice the paradoxical art of being
    *confidently uncertain*.

    Instead of pretending you know what you’re doing
    (which doesn’t work), you enthusiastically *embrace*
    your cluelessness! Then you focus on your ability to
    find your way…

    “I have NO IDEA how to handle this situation! But I
    know I can figure it out. I’ve faced the unknown and
    found my way before, and I can do it again.”

    This works for kids because their security is based on
    feelings rather than logic. They can feel your
    confident vibe, and that’s enough.”

    this from Scott Noelle…

    for me im like omg! feeling excited

    teh security is based on feelings not logic. that’s why i would feel secure with one man even if we were totally homeless.

    and that’s a reason why whats his name CD backed away…

    when i said i didn’t like being spoken to that way…

    cuz i had a hopeless vibe about it cuz my belief that a man CAN:T CHANGE THAT

    and of course it shows with my other interactions.

    when i feel confident, it just eases others past any of their discomforts and i barely really notice them



  139.  #139Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    FW @ 49:

    Love this! I think I’m in the best heart place I’ve ever been. I’ve always had high energy and a good vibe, but the fear I had around intimacy diluted it around men. Plus, I know a year ago I could never have handled the level of intimacy I’m experiencing today.

    I feel amazing being just me – and I feel encouraged reading that my good “heart energy” will make others feel good to be around me! Yay!!

    Thanks for this. There’s lots of good heart energy on this blog. Maybe that’s why we’re all so addicted – well, I am, anyway.



  140.  #140Sweetpea on December 1, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    Starla @ 72 –

    Awesome! That felt delightful to read…you’ve come a long way, girl! Good job!



  141.  #141Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Luzydel @ 97,

    I remember feeling this way. And I know that a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to stand being with a guy who is open about his feelings and relationship-ready. I had too much fear of intimacy, I just couldn’t have handled it. The secret for me has been working on loving and accepting myself. I wonder if Christine Arylo’s stuff would help you. She was an expert Rori interviewed and I think, even did a post here a year or so back. She is responsible for the self love journey I’ve been on – although I truly believe that is the goal and message of Rori’s work as well. At least it is for me.

    I hope you feel better soon!



  142.  #142Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:37 am

    Alright! Three and a half hours later, I’m all caught up! And since there hasn’t been a new post that actually shows for the last hour, I can go to sleep. Thank you, Universe for letting me get to sleep earlier, even though I feel upset that I’m missing out on all the posts for the past hour. Good night, Sirens! Sweet dreams!

    And good day! to all you UK Sirens.



  143.  #143Daria on December 2, 2011 at 1:48 am

    feeling sad

    sorry if i judged you in some way sweetpea



  144.  #144Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:01 am

    i don’t belive in disciplining even the nonbeating kind

    and i practice not using it on myself. babysteps.

    no discipline – no ‘feel bad consequences’ created by me for ‘misbehaving’ – has softened me up mucho mucho

    and i still know i have lots of healing to do around this

    and i love “running wild”

    i want this for my children

    i WANT to let them run wild

    i want to let them BE wild

    and i feel sad

    it seems this gets confused with ‘neglect’

    which feels awful feeling neglected feels awful.

    and so does feeling controlled. and disciplined.

    awful stuff

    feeeling helpless

    i know i have resources available if anyone gets curious to ask me about it

    who wouldnt want to be parented mindfully, without control, with peace and respect

    who doesnt want to be spoken to kindly and helped, and loved

    and honored for being a whole being

    i LOVE

    i TREASURE

    the idea that a being does not NEED coercion/control/disciplining to develop to be a healthy loving being

    that humans can be in control of themeselves really really, and that the world will flourish that way.

    i feel triggered, i read “i don’t want to debate this” in sweetpea’s post … and i HEARD “i don’t want to hear about alternatives or explore what beliefs are creating my perception”

    and that means

    that i

    feel sad and disconnected now

    actualy it doesnt ‘mean’ that

    i just do

    feel sad disconnected, resentful angry, scared

    🙁

    it feels desperatemaking for me that a misinterpration can lead loving wonderful well intentioned people to not so good feeling places

    im feeling all squeezed in my heart ! 🙁

    ouchie!

    but it DOES feel good to believe that there’s no need to Control another little person

    or to give them control imposed ‘consequences’

    help God help

    i feel like crying



  145.  #145Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:10 am

    fuchk BALANCE

    i feel HATRED FOR THIS CONCEPT

    UGH

    i ahve never got right with balance yet.

    ugh.

    i do NOT wish to find the balance between being wild and beign controlled

    i JUST want to be wild

    and i watn to be fully alive and WONDOROUSLY WILD, mindfully peacefully beautifully wild

    using Control to be even WILDER

    and feeling GOOD FREE AND FULL

    ABOUT being wild

    theres no need to temper being authentically myself – what being wild means to me –

    with being something well not so authentically msyelf and

    find a ‘a balance’ that works

    i WISH that people actually read the inspiring written stuff about

    mindful peaceful parenting and saw the beauty in honoring and respecting children

    not finding a balance between control and respect

    what if there were no such need to do so.

    what if ‘life consequences’ would be learned without ‘imposed consequences’ – what if there’s really no need to impose extra, what if it Doesn’t help

    what if what really helped sweetpea was the sense of being loved she experienced, and not the actual discipline and consequences

    i feel angry

    i feel fearful

    i feel angry for feeling fearful

    i HATE when ‘the world’ tries to retraumatize me

    or rebrainwash me

    when police officers tell someone there’s consequences for their non-violent actions

    i feel so ANGRY

    and so powerless

    i just HATE IT

    i really just can barelly HANDLE IT

    i hate it so much

    i hate it so much

    i hate it so much

    i feel strangled

    i feel hot and squeezed shoulders

    i want to run away from this feeling

    i feel thirsty

    i love my thirsty feeling

    i feel squeezed in my chest

    i love my squeezed in my chest feeling

    i feel sigh

    i love my sigh

    i feel like crying

    i love my feel like crying

    i feel powerless

    i love my powerless feeling

    i feel tight around my teeth

    i love my tight around my teeth feeling

    i DON’t want to feel this way

    i INTEND TO HEAL THIS!

    rargh!



  146.  #146Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:19 am

    i feel powerless

    i feel frustrated

    i feel heartbroken!



  147.  #147Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:22 am

    This theory assumes that children would naturally hit and bite other people, would never want to use a toilet, learn to share, cooperate, or help another person, and would lie, steal, and destroy property unless they were disciplined and taught moral values and society’s rules.

    and that they would naturally not ‘get’ and be able to cope with ‘life’s’ consequences unless they were disciplined at home

    arrrgh

    It has caused entire populations to be blindly obedient to authority figures and unable to think clearly about how to act. It has produced generations of adults who are burdened with feelings of guilt, fear, and shame.

    punch punch

    ufffffffffff

    i hate you so much !

    i feel powerless



  148.  #148Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:29 am

    i feel the concentrated heat energy of holding on to something … the ‘control’ fists feeling

    and i dont want to feelt hat way

    i can let go and lean back

    and that feels terrifying

    and sad

    and tired

    and disappointed
    hangy head

    fear

    like abandony leave me fear

    i love me



  149.  #149Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 2:30 am

    LG I am happy that you have experienced so much growth and healing. I myself have experienced a lot and look forward to more.



  150.  #150Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:33 am

    i hate the feeling tht i get when something seems very important to me yet i can’t seem to convince other people of it

    this feelng is familiar!

    i want to heal this

    i LOVE my feeling

    i LOVE my hate

    i LOVE me



  151.  #151Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:37 am

    u know what else i don’t want to find a ‘balance’ between? between pleasure and ‘work’

    eff that

    i scrap work altogether

    and dive into pleasure with wild abandon

    filling in the whole day and night with it

    now what

    so what

    ha

    how you like THEM apples buddy

    RARGH

    super abandon defiant pleasure



  152.  #152Daria on December 2, 2011 at 2:38 am

    u can call my art,or my writing this second, or my phone conversati\ons ‘work’

    and im not experienceing them that way

    im experiencing Pleasure

    nah nah nah nah nah



  153.  #153Daria on December 2, 2011 at 3:13 am

    feeling sleepy slow

    and kinda uncomfortable around my tteth

    i want to brush them

    feeling good that my mom seems to want to spend time with me and talking to me



  154.  #154Daria on December 2, 2011 at 3:33 am

    have you ever looked in a man’s eyes and seen “hurt” in there?

    i seen something that i would call that

    and i acted like well, like i didn’t see it i guess

    i didn’t know what to do

    i felt surprised, and a furrowed brow. i felt scared and i felt

    sad

    and i feel sad now, thinkng back of those times

    the last time i saw Transformer

    when i seen NohCD this last one

    and wehn i seen Dman the last times

    i feel guilty

    and i feel sad

    and i want to tell them its ok and that I DO love them, actually a lot

    and i don’t mean to reject them

    and i believe in them and love them

    wwahh

    i want to call NohCD

    maybe i will actually give in and call

    or not

    no wait that is not good for me

    whats good for me was the feeling i had earlier, of distancing myself from him

    wanting something, not expecting it from him, and letting him come up with it



  155.  #155Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:12 am

    feeling sleepy



  156.  #156Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:15 am

    “:: Truth Is Overrated ::

    In a materialistic society, we form the habit of
    taking objective “truth” too seriously. One of the
    gifts of parenthood is that children give us an
    excuse to *relax* about objective truths and revive
    our natural appreciation of *felt* (subjective)
    truths.

    When a five-year-old boy says, “I’m going to eat
    this *whole* watermelon right now!” he’s telling
    *his* truth for that moment. If his mother says,
    “Don’t be silly! That melon is twenty times the size
    of your stomach!” the richness of his heartfelt
    truth is lost to both of them.

    Today, notice how you respond to your child’s
    “childish” statements. Put aside what you “know” and
    let yourself *feel* your child’s truth.

    Enjoy the feeling of connection made possible by
    your willingness to share your child’s
    perspective… Now *that’s* power!

    http://dailygroove.net/truth-is-overrated



  157.  #157Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:29 am

    thank you Daria for brushing my teeth

    thank you for loving me through the trauma’s the last few days

    when i saw the police grab up my date with the prosthetic leg it felt scary and suddenly distant and i felt myself shut down

    thank you for healing some

    thank you for healing me and slowly healing the people that got shot around the corner from my sis and dman’s house

    thank you for nobody dying

    it would feel lovely to know the lil boy who got shot in the head will survive and that he will actually heal and feel great

    and i love me

    thank you for healing my sister

    thank you for my mom’s happiness

    thank you for my sister’s mom not drinking

    thank you for my lovely godchildren

    thank you for reconnecting with my brothers

    thank you for my brother assuring me that my lil brother in jail hes gonna be ok

    thank you for my lovely nieces

    thank you for me beign there for me

    thank you for my Dad

    thank you for a double mattress bed now and feeling all luxurious

    thank you for making my room warm

    i feel ashamed about the drama around the police and the shooting stuff

    i would like to heal this

    i don’t want to feel drawn to manifesting such things to make my life more real alive important attention grabbing worth paying attention to

    i want to heal

    and i also don’t want to cover hide minimize

    i want to love me fullly

    and i feel sleepy

    thank you for having me feel rested easily and like im fully getting all the sleep i want

    yum



  158.  #158Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:31 am

    so in that case “the police” could become “the man” who grabbed my date

    ugh i feel so quietly smallishly angry

    it felt so uncomfortalbe and like slow motion like no way

    i wish i was great at recording stuff on the spot



  159.  #159Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:34 am

    not that that helped oscar grant

    i love me

    i brt marguerite laurent has this covered

    itd be like

    do you ahve id/?

    sure

    what, dont go in your bag, when have you ever seen a cop let u go through your purse

    me: im feeling confused. im a human rights attorney, here is my card. please leave us a detailed record of your badge number and contact info, the complaint you have against us, and the laws u are following in detaining us .



  160.  #160Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:36 am

    happy indigenous people’s day that is everyday hmmm

    buffallo continent hmmmmmm



  161.  #161Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:37 am

    hey daria, youre feeling sad!

    im feeling sad

    and scared

    i love me

    i feel lonely

    i love my lonelyiness

    i feel tight in my mouth

    i love my tightness



  162.  #162luzydel on December 2, 2011 at 4:38 am

    My emotions are like a roller coaster today, I feel so hurt. I have been holding this pain for so many years and now I want to get rid of it. I don’t know anything about me, because I have been spending too much time trying to know about others.

    I have been ignoring myself all these years. Ignoring my feelings. Pretending to be Okay.



  163.  #163flower on December 2, 2011 at 4:47 am

    yes always known what Aletha talks about and you see it everywhere these days paretns treat kids awful and alla dults grow up like that ,

    i haven’t felt loved by my parents even though they say they do, always dreams blocked by them saying i wasn’t good enough to do certain things and somebody was always better, when wanted attention – it was bad of me to want it, but i had almost all toys that i ever wanted

    men i meet have their chidhood issues too

    at my age it can’t be healed though ive been trying

    i hope that every parent gets to know about Aletha books and at least reads them though i dont think they will as parents always are selfish , they make a child for their selfish needs not thinking much about the person they give life to (very few exceptions from this out there) and ‘parents know better’ than ‘some writer even with PhD so really would like to see a change



  164.  #164Daria on December 2, 2011 at 5:00 am

    tonight we leave off with a picture of carib people and a dutch man in the 1880s (wikipedia says)

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/57/Tropenmuseum_Royal_Tropical_Institute_Objectnumber_60008905_Een_groep_Arowakken_en_Karaiben_in_fe.jpg

    and also having listened to some punta music and seem some dancing

    looks like some twerkin! yeee



  165.  #165Daria on December 2, 2011 at 5:03 am

    what a cute animal i am



  166.  #166Starla on December 2, 2011 at 5:50 am

    hey lk, i’m not sure if this is a bit late of a reply, but you were asking about leaning forward to tell your CD that you’ll actually be off for the afternoon so you can get together with him. I would just text him or call him and say “Actually I am going to be free by 3 tomorrow. What do you think?”

    Then let him take it from there. He did ASK you about hanging out this afternoon, all is well:)

    Have a nice friday



  167.  #167Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 6:12 am

    Luzydel go to the Maragaret Lynch site. It does tapping on wealth but believe me it is very relevant to relationships.

    I just received an email from Alexandra Fox title “Why he Dumped Me”. I read the title and found myself saying unconsciously “I don’t care” and was even aware of the feeling of resistance to open it because I am now at a point where I really don’t care because I know I have uniqueness and tremendous value that someone out there is looking for in their life.



  168.  #168Mel on December 2, 2011 at 6:32 am

    “I’m currently in love with my inner romantic. I denied her most of my life, too.”

    Sweetpea, I LOVE this! It’s so, so true for me as well. It’s funny because I want nothing more than to be loved, yet true intimacy scares the crap out of me. I’m getting better though. I’m healing this. I’m growning my threashold for love day by day. I think, to some degree I believed I was not worthy of true love… or maybe that I had to “earn” it. But this is simply not true. I am loveable just because. And best of all, I am loving myself; finding my inner romantic. I am really enjoying where my path is leading me this year.



  169.  #169Lili 41 on December 2, 2011 at 6:39 am

    157:

    Me too. (((Luzydel))) 🙁

    Can’t wait for that cloud to dissipate.



  170.  #170T-Girl on December 2, 2011 at 6:48 am

    I love that – “finding my inner romantic”. Why have we denied ourselves? Why has it taken so long to find her? I am finally at a point in my life where I can enjoy her. I like her.

    I am also finding that I am finding my inner adventurer as well. I’m loosening that stick that I’ve had you know where for so long and really enjoying spontaneity and going with the flow. I am so lucky to have found someone that is inspiring that for me.



  171.  #171Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 6:58 am

    I loved the inner romantic too and am now bringing her out. Mel I am finding your comments so inspiring.

    The following is from Mike Fiore I thought some people might glean something from:-

    Thanks for your email, you’re doing great.

    A couple things:

    1. Great job being flippant and “OK.” with being friends. The key with getting your ex back and using a system like “Text Your Ex Back” is plausible deniability. You’ve got to keep your ex on his toes and wondering what the heck you’re actually trying to do. As long as he’s curious and confused you’re doing it right.

    2. Yup. There’s hope for you, but there’s no guarantee. (There’s never a guarantee of success in this situation.) The more he sees you out in the world, having fun and not NEEDING him the more subconsciously attracted to you he’s going to be.

    Love your “I agree, the breakup was a good idea” bit.

    3. That said: Don’t actually BE his friend.

    If you actually ARE his friend (if he can acutally get emotional support from you) there will be no actual need for him to come back to you.

    Why would he buy the cow if he gets the emotional milk for free?

    Like I like to say “The only way to get him back is to let him go.”

    So keep doing what you’re doing. Take care of yourself. Date other guys. And use Text Judo to let him know how happy and stable you are. Then occasionally send him a message that confuses the heck of him and starts reestablishing emotional hooks.

    Oh, and whatever you do DO NOT SLEEP WITH A GUY YOU WANT TO GET BACK.

    Seriously, if you do that you’ll kill your chances. If a guy feels like he can have sex with you without having to commit into an actual relationship he’ll see no need at all to even consider starting your
    relationship up again.

    (Weirdly, if you’re a guy who wants a woman back, you want to sleep with her as quickly as possible since it will reestablish the emotional connection you had before.)

    Great job. Let me know how it goes from here.

    Best, Mike



  172.  #172Lili 41 on December 2, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Something’s coming up for me to heal.
    The dominating thought that’s been coming into mind all week is about loyalty.
    I feel sad about lack of loyalty.
    I see a lack of loyalty in the people that surround me.
    Bringing the focus back to me…How do I lack loyalty towards myself and others?



  173.  #173Mel on December 2, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Tiffany, (Re: 135)

    I totally feel you on the leaning forward once you actually start to have feelings for someone. I experienced this with Architect. At first, when things were all casual… and I wasn’t even sure if I COULD like him (in a romantic way), it was so easy. If I didn’t hear from him one day, or if we didn’t see each other for a whole week because he had the kids, I honestly didn’t care. It didn’t matter. If he asked me out and I didn’t have plans… cool. If he didn’t… whatever.

    But as my feelings started to morph, that all changed too. Suddenly long silences or periods without face-to-face started to MATTER. I could feel myself leaning forward, grasping, pulling, wanting to MAKE him come close.

    But you are so right… in “relationship” is when this is most important. When the dance position I choose to take will either allow him to step forward, or push him away.

    I have to live my life like nothing he does/doesn’t do MATTERS… It’s all good. I am a prize. I know my worth. I give to myself all the love and attention that I need. I happily receive the love and positive energy of anyone that wants to give it, but it is inconsequential, really.

    I have even started to say “No matter!” when I catch myself feeling that leaning forward anxiety. So he didn’t call/text this evening.. no matter! So you haven’t seen him for a week… no matter! LOL, plus I just like using curious expressions like “no matter!” 😉

    Yesterday I totally applied the “miss me… send me your loving thoughts… then drop it” mantra.

    Today I got a text from him that said “I’ve been missing you this week!” Funny! I guess the universe delivered my message. But perhaps the space I’ve been allowing, both literal physical space, and in my energy, has allowed him to feel it too! 🙂

    It’s all good. No matter!



  174.  #174Mochaberri on December 2, 2011 at 7:12 am

    @ Tinque #57 – Thank you for your insight. And as always I will keep your suggestion on hand if it ever comes to this again.

    Yes it was hurtful to hear and my response to him was “wow that’s amazing, I really feel the opposite of how you feel – I think that your wanting to be all over me is a way to over compensate your getting for someone else. His response was that my thinking is crazy. I was really pissed and spoke what I really felt and it was genuine and authentic no matter how crazy it may sound.



  175.  #175Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 7:27 am

    How are you doing Lizka? I am feeling a bit concerned for you. I hope you post some comments today.



  176.  #176Mel on December 2, 2011 at 7:28 am

    More bear wisdom:

    “Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday.” ~Winnie the Pooh



  177.  #177Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 7:32 am

    RE 168 “I could feel myself leaning forward, grasping, pulling, wanting to MAKE him come close”.

    This reminds me of how in Reconnect Rori walks us through an exercise to bring the man into our mind and to focus on how we feel, while showing how much energy just thinking about him generates. How our eyes might pop, how our hands out in front of us might want to grasp and pull. Proving that this is a lot of energy to be generating towards a person and how clearly it can push them away. Everything being energy it is clear to me how he has no choice but to move.



  178.  #178Lili 41 on December 2, 2011 at 7:43 am

    FW,

    You are inspiring as always.

    172 makes me ponder “What does confidence look like?” = absence of fear.
    What would I feel like if I wasn’t feeling afraid?



  179.  #179Tiffany on December 2, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Ugh. I’m not really getting better at this.

    I am still…what am I doing?

    I’m feeling bad about leaning forward. I’m beating myself up about it, a little bit.

    I’m afraid he won’t like me now. And that’s not a good vibe.

    I can feel how it’s not a good vibe.

    Want to get myself out of that vibe.

    Take a step back.

    Does it really matter if he likes me? No.

    Does he probably still like me? Yes.

    Does he still want to talk to me, touch me, be close to me? I’m guessing yes.

    I can’t really be sure of anything. I can’t be in his head.

    What’s in my head?

    The peacefulness in my apartment. My cute kitty cat, sitting on the floor. The soft lights I put up yesterday. The quiet swirring of the fan. The beautiful orchid I bought the other day. Maybe I will bring it to the office. It would look really nice. But right now, it looks nice on the table beside my sofa.

    My apartment is so warm and cozy. I’m so warm and cozy. I like myself. I love me. I love me first.

    When I wake up in the morning, I am happy to be me.

    I am happy to be in my bed.

    I am happy to be in my body.

    I am happy with my dreams.

    I have someone else I need to write to. A couple of other boys to think about. And a client to see.

    I am going to have a good day.

    xoxo ladies.

    t.



  180.  #180Mel on December 2, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Love ya Tiff! You’ve totally got this! 🙂



  181.  #181Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 8:28 am

    LiLi41 I have to review what she said about confidence but if my memory serves me correctly I believe she said it is feeling that and feeling comfortable in your skin even in his presence. Speaking about the fear and not caring what he thinks.



  182.  #182luzydel on December 2, 2011 at 8:38 am

    The hurt pain is not only caused by “s” break up, it has been there for quite some time…like one of those dormant illness that come back. I am still carrying pain from pasts expereinces. Instead of ignoring them I need to confront them. Gosh those skelletons in the closet!

    Was reading some carol allen stuff, and according to her it is not my time to meet him yet. Uranus and saturn are opposing in my house of relationships….I’m an aries asc aries so I guess I still have lesons to learn… not my time yet.



  183.  #183Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 8:39 am

    I feel happy to be in my body.
    I feel happy the song “I’m sexy and I know it” is running in my unconscious mind.
    I feel happy that I am breaking my chakra vows.
    I feel happy that I am speaking up about my awesome self.



  184.  #184Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Luzydel again I am encouraging you to try Margaret Lynch tappping video

    http://7levelsofwealthmanifestation.com/



  185.  #185Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 8:45 am

    So many feelings and expressions coming up for me as I catch up on reading the blog. I don’t even know where to start. Is that past statement true?
    Not really.
    I do know where to start. I just don’t want to.
    I don’t want tO get immersed in the computer.
    I don’t want to feed my triggered feelings.
    I want to enjoy my morning.
    I want to enjoy the sunlight streaming into the house.
    I want to enjoy the fresh feeling of a new day.
    I want to enjoy the stream of momentum I am feeling.
    I really love my life.
    It’s really great.
    And nO, not all of my dreams have come thru
    But wow, so many have
    And the rest will come in time
    And I truly belief that the reason I have a great lover in my life is because I see him as god
    Everything, yes everything is god. EVERYTHING!
    Even my lover
    My lover is an expression of god who is here to help me open to more and more pleasure
    To remind me that I can experience heaven on earth right now
    There is no waiting or wanting, everything I need is here right now
    I can feel completely satisfied and happy right now
    And before he manifested in physical form, I felt so connected to him
    I called him my divine lover
    That was my tool
    And now I have triggers coming up
    Ahhhh, breathe
    Don’t let that suck your happiness away
    yes, I had my divine lover tool
    I felt connected to him even before I met him
    Every flower I smelled, I knew was a gift from him to me
    The stars sparkling in the sky were put there to delight me
    He was reaching out to me before we even met
    And I live that noone here even knows if my sweetie is real
    What if my sweetie is like slv’s?
    What if slv’s is real and she’s just joshing us?
    Oh wow…I’m digressing
    What I’m trying to say is that I love it when the lines of reality are blurred
    To me, that’s where the magic happens
    And now I am feeling a little lost
    At some point in the I got too thinking
    Now I feel lost and disconnected.
    Maybe that’s a sign that I’ve said enough
    Maybe that’s a sign that my body is ready to move
    That my sense are ready to experience this glorious and beautiful morning
    Hello sun, I love you so
    Thank you for being there for me every day
    Every single day, you are there even if I can’t see you thru the clouds
    Yum! Thank you!
    And I love my clean, warm, and cozy house
    And I live that sweetie has been stepping up
    I feel so turned on when he is activated and capable
    Yummy animal sex turned on
    I feel grateful to lk for inspiring me to be more creative with my expression
    I feel grateful to FW for many things. For just being her.
    I feel grateful to Lillybelly and VW for being so supportive
    I feel inspired by Mel and how quickly she has applied Rori’s tools
    I feel happy that Starla seems to be in so much happier now
    Oh my, the list goes on and on
    Oh now, I feel worried that people I didn’t mention will feel left out.
    So not true
    My head is literally flooded with thoughts and feelings of appreciation for each and every woman here
    It feels amazing and overwhelming.
    And now I will give my body what it is asking for and get up and enjoy my humble, yet glorious life.



  186.  #186Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 8:58 am

    From an email from Johnathan Aslay

    When it comes to emotions, most men try to avoid them like the plague, but some men may actually try to help you lighten the load.

    I’m one of those guys…. Although, I haven’t always been.

    Here are six ways how a relationship ready man might respond to a woman’s emotional baggage in a relationship:

    1. If he’s a nice guy, he’s more apt to accepting you as you are, flaws and all.

    He knows you have baggage but is willing to overlook it because he is kind, caring, and doesn’t mind helping you work through some of your issues, as long as it doesn’t stir up some of his own.

    2. If he’s the bad boy type, he doesn’t really care about your emotional baggage, as long as you don’t pile it up around him.

    He’s great to be around when you need a fun distraction from your issues, but he’s hardly the kind of person you can talk to about your feelings because he simply doesn’t care.

    3. If he is somewhat of a Casanova, be forewarned that this kind of man will trick his way to your heart, playing your emotional baggage against you and to his own advantage.

    If he seems too good to be true, it’s probably because he is.

    But if you do end up winning the heart of this guy, then he will be more than eager to come to your rescue and sweep you off your feet.

    4. If a man has emotional baggage of his own, then it probably would not be wise to share your baggage with him.

    Sometimes, a man will focus on or highlight your issues to avoid dealing with his own, but this will only end up creating more baggage in the long run.

    It might be safe to avoid this kind of man altogether unless you don’t mind sharing baggage.

    5. If he’s an intellectual type, know that this kind of man responds better to logic and reason than to feelings and emotions.

    The only kind of baggage this guy will consider taking is a lightly packed carry on, in which case he may feel so compelled to relieve you of your emotional baggage by providing you solutions.

    6. If he’s an awakened man, he won’t hold your emotional baggage against you, but he may hold it against you if you’re the type who likes to dwell on the negatives which can be total turn off for a guy.

    While the awakened man realizes and understands that emotional baggage is an unavoidable part of life, he may ask you to check your baggage at the door when it’s just the two of you.

    An awakened man would rather enjoy everything that’s good about you than focus on the bad.

    Different kinds of men respond to emotional baggage in different ways, depending on the woman.

    STOP…..

    Let me add this…. men are loaded with issues (baggage) and these days it seems though men are needy and over flowing with problems.

    The more refined we become with age, the more likely we are to carry with us a little emotional baggage.

    The most important thing I want you to realize is that emotional baggage is only a turn off initially, because how well a woman carries her baggage is what really defines her character in the eyes and heart of relationship ready man.

    Learn more about the six types of men in relationships and why they commit by visiting my website and ordering your down loadable copy today CLICK HERE

    Sending smiles

    Jonathon



  187.  #187Starla on December 2, 2011 at 9:36 am

    I feel triggered cuz my good girl friend is staying with me and i can see she is attracted to CF, and these are my old triggers and stuff coming up, because I stole her man (sorta) when we were younger, and then she “stole” a diff. one from me…

    it’s just a trigger. but when me and her and CF were all hanging out last night, i felt so afraid… what if he realizes he doesn’t like me as much as he thought, because she is pretty great too? he was so impressed by her journalism work, which he realized is how he first learned about the organization i used to be a director at, before we started ever dating.

    he would have been impressed if it were a man, too.

    it’s just a trigger.

    ayyyyyy

    when in doubt, outgirl. outgirl outgirl outgirl.

    and i really love and admire my friend. she is my hero. and i try to tell myself that i am a lot of people’s hero too, including CF. Actually I’ve probably done more important, cool things than my friend has, but she does different stuff than i do. sometimes we work together.

    she better stay the f*ck away from my man.

    hehhhhhhhh

    triggers



  188.  #188Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 9:56 am

    EXCERPT FROM THE HEALING WATERFALL MEDITATION:

    “Slowly walk forward into the pool, as this healing water caresses your ankles, your calves, and your knees, as they too absorb this gentle energy… and completely relax. As you run your hands across the surface of the water, you find yourself becoming more and more comfortable, and at home in this pool. And you have the feeling that you’re completely safe, and totally free to be yourself.”



  189.  #189Starla on December 2, 2011 at 10:23 am

    I intend to use this as an opportunity to heal this trigger. We 3 are going out tonight together, in close quarters.

    Can anyone recommend a plan for dealing with this trigger? She’s leaving for a couple of weeks and then coming back to live with me until she’s on her feet.

    Right now I’m dealing with this by telling myself how much better I am for CF than she is, but I don’t like the comparative approach (like, she’s an alcoholic, she’s not that feminine, etc.). It feels shitty because she is one of my besties and i love her.



  190.  #190Starla on December 2, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I’ve always had this trigger with my guys and my girl friends.



  191.  #191Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Daria: have you heard of Human Needs Psychology? I have a feeling you might like it.

    When I read your posts from last night, I had a sense that your need for significance wasn’t being met. (which is a concept from HNP)

    I can share more about it if you are interested.



  192.  #192Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Starla you can use Rori’s tool of visualizing hundreds of women floating around your man. But he is focussed on you only. It might be in the All That email that was shared some months ago if you still have it.



  193.  #193Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Starla:

    Repeat after me

    I am the prize!
    I am the prize!!
    I am the prize!!!



  194.  #194Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Starla having said that I admit to having lost boyfriends in my earlier years to girlfriends. It might have been my own fear of intimacy that attracted that but I know that type of situation would have me hypersensitive. I don’t know that it is something I would do.



  195.  #195Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Maybe when you can create a tool four can use while you are out tonight.

    Maybe visualize a huge gem inside your heart. A valuable gem that people are seeking.

    Or something like that, something that speaks to you.

    Or maybe choose one of Rori’s tools that you can commit to practicing for the night.

    Something that will fill you with confidence and softness at the same time

    Something that will bring out your radiance magnetism.



  196.  #196Starla on December 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

    omg thank you ladies, keep the ideas coming, i’m going to pick up some foodstuffs and be back to read your lovely ideas.

    The other thing I did last night was just fuss over her and be a good host.

    if he were to get with one of my friends, it would be out of my control ultimately, and i would be okay and i would still be happy and find the relationship i want.

    i know this objectively. so i want it OUT OF MY VIBE! hehe



  197.  #197Queenbee on December 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

    I”m feeling better today.

    I finally douched and I’m feeling so much better … and fresher after months of this nightmare. I think it’s gone now.

    Oh, I feel so relieved.

    I love taking care of myself. I’m feeling so much happier these days.

    My job is going well. I just love having things organized.

    It makes such a difference.

    I’m planning on really taking care of myself and setting up myself for the new man who is going to come into my life 🙂

    That would feel really good… like fun and victory… somehow.

    I don’t want to go back to the one who did not treat me right.

    I just have low tolerance.

    Breathe…

    Love me…

    and stay in my body.

    xoxo



  198.  #198Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Starla remember circular dating (hopefully wherever you are going other men will be there)

    “There’s a magic Tool that works practically every time to get a man’s attention, elevate your worth to any man, and get a commitment-phobic man to “snap to” and decide quickly what he wants from a relationship with you.

    This Tool, this powerful secret weapon, is something I call Circular Dating.

    Circular Dating means dating at least 3 men at the same time, or dating “yourself” and flirting with other men. You don’t have to actually “date” other men to get the benefits.

    That’s right… it’s not just about officially “dating” men.

    It can also be about simply and easily INTERACTING with men in your everyday life, WITHOUT any fear or guilt, without giving out your number or email, and without an actual “date.”

    If you’re already a “girlfriend” and you feel stuck, but you’re afraid to open up your options because you keep hoping things will get better with your “boyfriend,” I so understand…

    We can get really comfortable – even paralyzed – and be afraid to try anything new… that’s why Circular Dating is such a powerful Tool.

    Circular Dating is the antidote for this “disease” of feeling like you have to chase a man down in order to “get” him. “



  199.  #199Starla on December 2, 2011 at 11:01 am

    i was going to pick up about 20 bucks worth of gourmet empanads for our little road trip to our night out tonight (1.5 hour drive) but now I feel like i’m overfunctioning.

    my vibes a bit of a mess.

    Is it overfunctioning if he came by last night to smoke me up, is driving us to the night out, is paying for my night out?

    i’m starting to wish we were engaged so i could unleash my givingness without second guessing myself lol

    maybe i could just get like 3 empanadas, one for each of us. instead of showing up with the night’s meal.

    cuz I’M going to be hungry. That’s why i wanted them in the first place. But sharing is caring



  200.  #200Starla on December 2, 2011 at 11:04 am

    fw, it’s a roller derby match. female-central! his best friend is a derby girl, and she invited us to her match.

    he actually used to volunteer to do the score board, and he told me he did it to meet women but all them girls were crazy.

    so it’s gonna be a trigger fest of feeling jealous and threatened.

    weee fun



  201.  #201Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 11:04 am

    “I stopped PRETENDING that I was the prize, and I simply became one – effortlessly – through Circular Dating.”

    “And she began to use Circular Dating as FREE THERAPY to help her feel better about herself, gain confidence, and stop the addiction to the man who didn’t want to commit to her.

    She started BENEFITTING FROM every man she met. She felt herself get stronger. She was able to shift her VIBE to the irresistible, high-degree-of-difficulty woman she had always imagined being.

    Each time we talked I could hear in her voice that she was calmer than she’d ever been. For once, she was truly blasé and unconcerned about any particular man. She was having the time of her life. Circular Dating had done its work.

    And then it happened.

    Corinne ran into an old friend, a man she once had feelings for. They started dating again… and Corinne was finally READY to be with a man without feeling DESPERATE or cynical.

    Circular Dating had changed her vibe. She was a different woman.”



  202.  #202Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Hopefully some of the women will bring guy friends.



  203.  #203Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 11:09 am

    You can stop on the way, to get the food. You are also assuming that both of them will feel like eating empanadas all night. Even if they said they would want to eat them, that could change later. As a mother that is something I would definitely do though – for my kids.



  204.  #204Mochaberri on December 2, 2011 at 11:12 am

    @ Tinique #58 – Yes he is insecure in many aspects regarding our relationship and yes he has said that he fears what happen will happen again. I know in my heart of hearts that it will not happen again. Yes I agree that I do have to “eat crow” I’ve been eating crow since this all came about almost a year ago. The difference is that I stood up for myself, told him the bitter truth and no longer feel weighed down by the guilt and shame. I agree and know see that rebuilding trust takes time – we both have to rebuild trust within one another. I don’t always respond to his hurtful/fearful comments because I understand they come from a hurtful place within him. I believe I have showed him that I am faithful and want to be back in a committed relationship so it floors me when he does make comments like that. Any suggestions on what else I can do to show I’m faithful other than telling him and being honest when asked questions?

    I’m working on expressing my disapproval of hurtful comments spot on and in a calm manner – not always successful because I am an emotional responder which he is aware of and accepts. I feel that his making that comment is not only about me not being touchy feely; it may have to do with the fact that I have been leaning back by not calling him on a daily basis like I used to when I was hell bent on trying to make things right. He told me that he needed time to figure things out and my actions where pushing him away/ pressuring him.

    Once the internal shift took place within me – I realized that my behavior was indeed pushing him away and I decided to take care of me and reaching out to him as if we were still in a committed relationship was not healthy and offered me no opportunity to heal and let him make his decision.



  205.  #205Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Starla: I’m wonder if maybe you are overfunctioning with her. Maybe putting your masculine energy towards her?

    Maybe it would help to be sure to relate to her in a feminine way, esp. when he is around.



  206.  #206tinque on December 2, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Mochaberri – Just keep doing what you are doing. Even though you think you have shown him you are faithful, his timetable to get there may take longer; it may take a lot longer. Patience. And be gentle with yourself.

    You can let some of the hurtful comments go; realize the why and feel compassion. If it becomes excessive (and only you can determine this) then speak up.

    You are both working to find your rhythm with each other on this new playing field.

    xxoo Dominique



  207.  #207Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Oh, I wrote that about overfunctioning before I read that about the food.

    It seems as if you are getting into masculine mode trying to take care of your friend and it is spilling out onto him because he is spending time with you two. And now you are feeling out of balance.

    I would lean back with both of them. You don’t have to be the over-achiever here and make everything right.

    You just get to have fun, feel good, and enjoy the magic of life…or whatever turns your light on.



  208.  #208Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Have I been kicked off of Siren Island? None of my posts from last night showed up. Feeling weird…



  209.  #209Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Mochaberri: thanks for sharing your story. I feel so happy that you let go of the guilt and shame.

    I agree with Tinque. Just keep doing what you are doing.

    And maybe come up with a script for possible painful comments in the future.



  210.  #210Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Mochaberri: I also wonder if you are hiring him to beat you up.

    I suspect that as you fully release the guilt and shame, he will mirror that back to you.



  211.  #211Liz on December 2, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Thanks for the reminder to let go and to relinquish control. When I am feeling I want a certain outcome, I noticed it is in my stomach….I just went for a walk and hung out by a waterfall and let it go and felt so much appreciation for all the great things I experience everyday….I know that the great love is coming to me and I am grateful for this journey.



  212.  #212Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Daria @ 138,

    I feel sad, too. I posted a couple of things to you last night that didn’t show up. I don’t feel judged by you. I don’t even feel misunderstood. I’m completely at peace with my beliefs around child-rearing.

    One thing I want to point out though, is that I wouldn’t say in my childhood that I was allowed to “run wild,” but I still remember getting in trouble in kindergarten and first grade for being too wild. And it felt horrible to me – really, really traumatic and horrible. I was afraid of the Principal – he was a big man. My teacher made me stand out in the hall with my nose against the wall because I wouldn’t sit down and do my work after she asked me to repeatedly – I was disrupting the class. I remember standing out in the hall crying because I was afraid the Principal would come down the hall and see me. My teacher came out and asked me why I was crying. I told her she hurt my feelings.

    I didn’t disrupt class anymore after that. So my thoughts are that if I don’t teach my children about consequences and discipline, life will teach them. And life is a much harsher teacher than me. I would feel horrible to watch my children suffer because I didn’t teach them the necessary tools to function in society. That’s where I’m coming from on all of this.

    Again, I feel compassionate toward you and your beliefs. I said it before but I’ll say it again, this isn’t a huge trigger for me. I think I’m much more likely to be the pariah for my feelings around this than you are for yours. But I believe what I believe and I’ve seen what I’ve seen. The more fear parents feel around disciplining their children, the more I see bad things happening to the kids. That feels horrible to me. I love my friend’s daughter – I was in the delivery room when she was born. We have a pretty strong bond and I hate seeing her going through all of this trouble she’s creating for herself because she never learned impulse control. Now she’s having to learn it the hard way and it hurts me deeply to watch it. I don’t want my kids to have to learn the hard way. I know that they WILL have to learn some things the hard way, but I want to do my best to minimize that for them.

    This is just my story, Daria. I’m not trying to convince you to change your view. I feel confident in my beliefs around this. I also feel open to hearing others’ beliefs around this. None of my beliefs are set in stone. I consider everything that I read on this. I just haven’t seen a whole lot to convince me that no discipline is the way to go.

    I did like the article you posted on parents’ confidence playing a part in this. That really resonated with me.



  213.  #213Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Sweetpea I read 134 and 137 that were written by you.



  214.  #214Radiance on December 2, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Thank you FW. I feel grateful to you for your helpful insights and for posting wisdom excerpts from Rori and other sages.

    I love reading this blog and all the comments. I feel an oozing of wisdom and genuineness and authenticity and a circle of sharing and concern. I also feel empowered as I read and more empowered as I implement what I learn here and feel the positive impacts in my relationships. So wonderful!

    I feel a glow all over.

    And a warmth toward all.



  215.  #215Radiance on December 2, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I feel scared to post about myself.

    I feel afraid of being exposed. Even though I have a screen name, I worry that I would be discovered. Not by anyone on the blog but by someone coming across my computer.

    It feels like an irrational fear.

    I keep things hidden. I am trying to heal this and allow more vulnerability.

    I like learning about vulnerability from others who share here.



  216.  #216Starla on December 2, 2011 at 11:59 am

    I got 3 empanadas, various kinds, but i think you’re right. i’m overfunctioning. i just want her to be happy, and so i’m sharing with him too since he’s around. i’ll just casually be like “hey i picked up some empanadas and reheated them in the toaster oven at work just now, if you want one”

    this is a hard one for me.



  217.  #217Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Luzydel @ 157,

    I hope you’re feeling better. I felt compelled last night to recommend you check out some of Christine Arylo’s stuff on self love. For some reason, the post never came through, but in reading 157 it seems I was on track. Rori interviewed Christine and I believe she had a post on here about a year ago.

    I think the core of Rori’s work is also to love ourselves – as well as being authentic and honoring ourselves. It’s mostly been Rori’s work that’s changed things around for me, but Christine has been a good – I guess she feels a bit like a “cheerleader” in my self love journey. Things in my world are still pretty much upside but I love and accept myself more than I ever have – and I’m happier than I’ve ever been despite the “upside-downess”.

    Self love is a subject close to my heart. I’ve been wanting to encourage people in it for some time now and that feeling just keeps getting stronger. I just posted about it (with simple exercise for self-acceptance). If you’re interested, you can check it out here: http://transformationsfashionconsulting.blogspot.com/2011/12/is-self-love-bad-word.html



  218.  #218Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    LOL, i’m hungry, i’m eating the empanadas.

    and i’ll eat more closer to the end of my day before they pick me up, so i’m not hungry.

    lol
    lol

    i’m eating 10 dollars worth of empanadas by myself.



  219.  #219Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    more like empaNOMNOMNOM



  220.  #220Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Flower @ 158,

    I feel sad reading “at my age it can’t be healed”. I would like to encourage you to change your perspective. It feels weird to repeat myself, but confidence and self-esteem is something I believe can be acquired at any age – we have to love and accept ourselves. If we didn’t feel loved by our parents, it may be a bit more challenging, but I believe all of us can get there.

    Wow! Feeling really sad seeing you feeling this way. Hugs to you.



  221.  #221Mochaberri on December 2, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    @LG #205 – I believe that in the beginning when all of this came crashing down, I allowed him to beat me up after I beat myself up so I may have given him the job without knowing it. I was so mortified that after all I had done for him during his “vacation” I figured it was something that would just blow over but I realized quickly he wasn’t having it. Then to add insult to injury my Mom had been hospitalized and I was a total mess!!!! I felt that his timing was insensitive and cruel. The missing key was that in hindsight I could have laid everything out on the line then.

    It’s evident now that yes as I’ve shed the guilt and shame coat I was wearing my strength is returning and yes in subtle ways I do see him mirroring it back to me. It’s just going to take time and I have to tell my nasty voice called anxiety to take a back seat



  222.  #222Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    omg these are soooo good, i feel guilty not sharing with them.



  223.  #223Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    yay sweetpea is posting, hi sweetpea!



  224.  #224Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    i am feeling relieved now… i guess i was really hungry

    and i don’t want to overfunction. and i feel better and balanced now.

    thank you sooo much, ladies, for working through this with me.

    i am going to think of a tool to focus on, like LG suggested.

    And I’d love to hear any tool recommendations you think would be good for me to focus on tonight!

    Thank you again <3



  225.  #225Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Radiance Margaret Lynch has a tapping video that talks about vowing to be invisible and releasing the solar plexus by tapping. It is Chakra Vow 3

    http://7levelsofwealthmanifestation.com/chakra-3-vow/



  226.  #226Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Mel @ 163,

    Hey Siren! I’ve been following your journey. Seems you and I are in similar places right now, even down to “when am I gonna meet the kids, dammit?!” *stomps foot*!

    I was going through that last week. Then Sunday, without warning, the girls came home an hour earlier than expected. It was awkward. They’re really warm and welcoming and Oh! It’s just so hard for me – they’re supportive of the Dad having a woman in his life – in their lives and I want to wrap them all up in warm hugs. Their mom wasn’t in their lives at all for three years and ugh!! It’s just hard. All kinds of feelings came up around this – this is only the second time I’ve met them – not spending any time with them. I sunk into all the feelings though, after I left and I’m feeling very at peace with it.

    I feel trusting of MM making the decision about when is the right time to meet them. And I actually feel grateful that we decided not to throw me into their lives right away. I feel thankful that I get to know him and decide how I feel about and with him before I’m exposed to the kids. Because I could fall for them in a New York second. And that would make it really hard if I decided I don’t want to be their Dad. So…I’m feeling thankful and at peace at the moment.

    Been wanting to share this with you – the part about being triggered about not meeting the kids, anyway – for weeks now but haven’t been able to post. Felt so frustrating!

    I feel FREE now!!

    The other thing I wanted to mention is that I’ve been practicing raising my threshold for love (not intimacy, that sounds weird – but love) with my dog. Everyday, I get her to snuggle with me and I just concentrate on feeling her unconditional love for me and giving it back to her. I feel sort of embarrassed writing this, but it’s been working for me, so I wanted to share.

    It feels so exciting to read your posts! Glad you’re feeling good and things are going your way!



  227.  #227lk on December 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    @Starla

    thanks for the advice… i’ve been so crunched today, i forgot the whole possibility of it : /

    hopefully i’ll get done soon, then i can go home & have a snack & change & then maybe fun timez will be had : )

    & empanadas from where?!?!? makes me feel so hungry! i’m going to go have some spinach/cheesy stuff i made & an orange. then finish this 1 thing & ask my bossmanfriend if i’m allowed to leave haha



  228.  #228Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    RE: 221 – LOL! I really need to proofread my stuff before I post it. I hope you’ll get the general idea – I don’t want to “be the Dad” – be with their Dad was what I meant. Lol



  229.  #229Mochaberri on December 2, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    @ Tinque #201 – Thanks for the encouragement and I will keep doing what I’m doing as it seems to work for me through this journey. I understand that his timetable and my timetable may not be in sync and it’s OK. I will practice CD’ng with boundaries during this time and continue to grow.

    Patience is something else that I am working with regarding relationships. And I’m learning to be gentle with myself.



  230.  #230Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    T-Girl @ 165 –

    For me, I denied my inner romantic because I was too tough to be a mushy girl like that. I felt too afraid of being hurt to be able to want romance. So I denied her. But she is soft and juicy and awesome!

    Glad I found Rori so I could learn to accept that part of me. I love being a “girl”.



  231.  #231Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    lk, from buenos aires pizzeria on 22nd and larimer.



  232.  #232Mochaberri on December 2, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    @ LG #204 – Thanks for the encouragement!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  233.  #233lk on December 2, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    i actually kind of suddenly feel like crying.

    the coworker who i helped & brought coffee for yesterday has a big cake on her desk & she gave pieces to everyone on our team & she hasn’t offered some to me, though i’ve been in&out of her office all day… she was giving a piece to someone when i passed & said hi & smiled & she didn’t offer or anything… weird. that’s weird, right? weird… i don’t really get it. actually, i can’t even imagine that happening & being real. how did that just happen?… i know she doesn’t much like me, but… i don’t do anything. i’ve never done anything. just work with her. i really don’t get it. it’s extra sad because i’m really hungry, so i’m going to go wash my hands & eat the food i brought : )

    poor lk… why does she not share with you? is she mean? are people ever mean? no, i don’t think so…… maybe…………. hm. i can’t really imagine why that would happen! i’m puzzled! i’m stumped!

    oh, well, i do like mysteries i suppose…



  234.  #234Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    RE 224 Mochaberri I am thinking that he might be triggered by the suggestion of you cdating and wondering if somehow honoring/validating those feelings of his and his need to build trust could help him in some way even if you have to tell him that you don’t want to be a girlfriend any more and want to keep your options open. I guess also if the conversation comes up you will also need to share that you are committed to sexual exclusivity with him.



  235.  #235Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Tiffany @ 135 and Mel @ 168 –

    I too, identify with this. I went through a week or so where I experimented with sending MM a cute text here or there. I went through a couple weeks where I felt like I wasn’t letting him go when I started feeling the “pull” even when he did initiate.

    Rori says, “once you start to feel the pull, say good night”.

    It was feeling awful. I would feel the pull and was cognizant of it but wasn’t sure how to just say, “good night”. I started out telling him, “I feel tired,” but that still felt like I was trying to keep him engaged. Lately I’ve just been saying “I need to let you go…” fill in the blank – usually it’s “I should let you get some sleep” cuz he’s working long hours. I feel much better now. It feels weird, because looking at it written out here, it appears controlling to me, but it doesn’t feel controlling at all. It feels empowering because I don’t feel awkward knowing the conversation needs to end but I’m hanging on to it somehow.

    Anyway, I haven’t been initiating at all anymore. It feels better to me. Although I can’t say I won’t send him something cute if it calls to me again.

    Everything I do seems to be working right now – whether it feels “wrong” to me or not. The only thing I base my decisions on anymore, is how it feels to me.



  236.  #236Starla on December 2, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    ooooh man, i feel the pull, especially with CF. It’s only recently that I stopped turning every phone call of his into a suggestion that he come visit me for a while.

    It’s been hard. He called the other night and I was pining for him to say he’s coming over. It was awkward. I sensed he was pining for me to suggest it.

    But I don’t row this vessel. And he is a teacher and I am a busy woman and we have to tend to our ambitions when we’re apart.



  237.  #237Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    LG @ 180 –

    Amen! Feels sweet to have you back here.

    I feel amazed at the number of things I have to feel thankful for in my life. I hope your sweetie is flesh and blood god, not a blurring the lines of reality god. I sense he is flesh and blood, but hey! I’ve been wrong before.

    Sending wishes to you for an absolutely amazing day! xoxo



  238.  #238Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    RE 230 Sweetpea

    Rori has what she calls the good nite call (i think that is what it is called) in Reconnect. “I am feeling so tired after a long day/I am feeling so cozy here in my bed I just feel like just drifting off”. I used it last night on a cd and it came out just about the time he was going to say goodnight and I felt confident that the conversation did not go on too long or beyond what he had wanted. I was thinking of using it so as not to cut off the conversation and also to not stay on the phone long.



  239.  #239Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Starla @ 191 –

    What you began to do here always works for me. i.e. Face That Fear! Ask yourself, “what if she did steal my man? What would that feel/look like?” Then just walk through it – as icky as it feels. My fears totally abate when I do this, as if staring them in the face and accepting that they may be right takes all the air right out of them.



  240.  #240Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Starla @ 191,

    What you began to do here is what works for me. i.e. Face That Fear Down!

    When I’m feeling uncomfortable around fears, I ask myself, “What would it feel/look like if she did take my man?” Then I feel the feelings it brings up. That’s usually all it takes for me to rid myself of the anxious feelings. Seems once I face my fears, it lets the air right out of them and I go back to my laissez faire, sireny self.



  241.  #241Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Starla @ 191,

    What works for me is exactly what you started on here. When I’m feeling anxiety around something, I face the fears down. i.e. I ask myself, “What would it feel like if she did still my man?” Then I sink into the feelings.

    For me facing the fear seems to let the air right out of them and erases all the anxiety around the situation.



  242.  #242Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Oh no! Why is my comment in moderation??



  243.  #243Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Do you have more than one links in it Lizka or is your email address correct?



  244.  #244Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    Something weird happened. I feel weird and ashamed about it. But I also feel excited. And it makes me feel more ashamed to feel excited. Lol

    I don’t know if I should say it. I feel afraid of judgment… I think I shouldn’t. I already told 2 of my friends, one laughed and the other was happy. I will not tell anyone else. I want to keep it for mo for some obvious reason. But I feel happy and I feel lime telling the whole world!

    So yesterday it was my company’s client party. We rented a bar that is open only during the summer, we had a private party there. So the party is going great, and I tagged myself and my collegues at this bar. I receive a message from E’s best friend asking me “X bar is open tonight?”

    I think I have to explain about this friend. I will call him S. He is E’s bestfriend, but I’ve dated him for a few weeks 4 years ago. He was introduced by E himself. In the last 4 years, we have been nothing but friends and we also have a lot of friends in common. And of course, in the last 4 years, I started dating E on and off and I guess he is pretty aware of our story.

    So to the text message I reply “we’re having a private party, wanna join?”. I asked my boss and he gave me the permission to invite my friend.

    He did super fast and came meet me at the party like 30 minutes later. We drank and talked and kind of flirted (I trie practicing eye contact and listening at level 2) and just enjoyed the party and the mean girls at my office were soooo obviously starring at us and probably called P to tell him I was wih a guy at our Christmas parry. But i say whatever!!

    And we stayed in the bar until they closed (at 11pm) with my boss, the 2 mean girls, two male collegues and a few clients. We decided to go out downtown and S just followed me. I thought it was sweet of him. He was working the next morning and did not seem to care about beeing tired. We went to another bar and he paid for me and for the cab to get there. When I was talking to some other people, he was just chatting with others even thought he didn’t know anyone. I think this is something I am looking for in my Mr Right, that I can leave him alone in a party.

    And people left and we stayed for another drink and than we ran out of cigarettes so we decided to leave. I don’t remember how it happened (I was pretty drunk at that point) but we started talking about how it would be good to just sleep in the same bed, just for not being alone. So he invited me to his place. I felt comfortable because he was not pushy at all and did not even tried to kiss ne during the night. It was just a friendly-sexy night cuddling.

    At his place, he gave me a copy of his keys so I can stay and sleep late (how sweet, no?) and he just took me in his arms and it felt really good. We kissed and made out (but nithing more) and it felt wild and pretty d*rty… And I felt guilty for E since I was there with his friend. But at the same time, E is not showing a lot of interest and I don’t owe him anything after all. I guess I don’t have to feel guilty about it because i was feeling happy while doing it. And the most important person in the world is me, no? I feel better now that I think of it that way.

    In the morning, he woke up, went in the shower and when he came back in the room, I woke up and he came sit in the bed and just chat with me for like 30 minutes. Sweet!

    I decided not to stay because I felt like being home and i left with him. He tol me that he enjoyed his eening, not only the made out part, but the “whole random thing”. He walked me to the taxi and kissed me. Sweeeeeeet!!

    And he texted me during the afternoon. I texted back “Arrgg Im fucked. Weird feeling. I think of yesterday… and I want to do it again (the whole random thing…)”.

    He haven’t reply yet. But he is at work. Did I went too far with my last message?

    The weird thin is tgat I really felt better with him then when I am with E. He did some great things that E doesn’t do. E doesn’t hold me in his arms when we sleep together. He doesn’t kiss me good bye usually, just a hug. When he stays at my place, he always leave super early, even in the weekend, he never proposed me to stay for sleepin late…

    Anyway I don’t think I can include him in my circular dating rotAtion since he is E’s friend. Even if I stopped seeing E….

    I would love to hear your thoughts about this…



  245.  #245Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Grrrrrrr. No links and te email adress is ok…

    It’s pretty long thought… Maybe it’s that? I tried reposting it changing a few words, but still doesn’t work…



  246.  #246Starla on December 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Doing a flip based off FW’s suggestion

    It feels so good to see CF pay special attention to me, and make me feel important, even when there are other interesting and attractive women around.



  247.  #247Starla on December 2, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    maybe you said the attack word



  248.  #248Starla on December 2, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    nooo that doesn’t put it in moderation.

    hmm, i dunno. sorry, lizka!



  249.  #249Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Our inner peacock
    In the avian world, the peacock with the biggest, most colorful tail gets to mate. Flashing a wad of cash or sitting behind a big stack of chips is a way for the male of our species to show off his feathers. So a comely waitress brings out a man’s short-term-thinking, risk-taking inner peacock, which plays right into the casino’s bottom line as the customer makes big, wanton bets.

    How men and women spend differently

    Saad, the author of “The Consuming Instinct: What Juicy Burgers, Ferraris, Pornography, and Gift Giving Reveal about Human Nature,” specializes in studying about how evolution affects consumption. His goal is to explain how you behave when you buy things, and his insights can make you a better consumer.

    Saad says that indulging in boy toys can actually change a man’s chemistry. An experiment he conducted showed a rise in testosterone levels among men driving powerful and expensive sports cars. But men driving ordinary sedans showed no hormonal changes. (Factor that in before you buy a Porsche.)

    http://money.msn.com/how-to-budget/how-sex-drives-your-spending-kiplinger.aspx



  250.  #250Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Something weird happened. I feel weird and ashamed about it. But I also feel excited. And it makes me feel more ashamed to feel excited. Lol

    I don’t know if I should say it. I feel afraid of judgment… I think I shouldn’t. I already told 2 of my friends, one laughed and the other was happy. I will not tell anyone else. I want to keep it for mo for some obvious reason. But I feel happy and I feel like telling the whole world!

    So yesterday it was my company’s client party. We rented a bar that is open only during the summer, we had a private party there. So the party is going great, and I tagged myself and my collegues at this bar on Facebook. I receive a message from E’s best friend asking me “X bar is open tonight?”

    I think I have to explain about this friend. I will call him S. He is E’s bestfriend, but I’ve dated him for a few weeks 4 years ago. He was introduced by E himself. In the last 4 years, we have been nothing but friends and we also have a lot of friends in common. And of course, in the last 4 years, I started dating E on and off and I guess he is pretty aware of our story.

    So to the text message I replied “we’re having a private party, wanna join?”. I asked my boss and he gave me the permission to invite my friend.

    He did super fast and came meet me at the party like 30 minutes later. We drank and talked and kind of flirted (I trie practicing eye contact and listening at level 2) and just enjoyed the party and the mean girls at my office were soooo obviously starring at us and probably called P to tell him I was wih a guy at our Christmas parry. But i say whatever!!

    And we stayed in the bar until they closed (at 11pm) with my boss, the 2 mean girls, two male collegues and a few clients. We decided to go out downtown and S just followed me. I thought it was sweet of him. He was working the next morning and did not seem to care about beeing tired. We went to another bar and he paid for me and for the cab to get there. When I was talking to some other people, he was just chatting with others even thought he didn’t know anyone. I think this is something I am looking for in my Mr Right, that I can leave him alone in a party and that he enjoys it.

    And people left and we stayed for another drink and than we ran out of cigarettes so we decided to leave. I don’t remember how it happened (I was pretty drunk at that point) but we started talking about how it would be good to just sleep in the same bed, just for not being alone. So he invited me to his place. I felt comfortable because he was not pushy at all and did not even tried to kiss ne during the night. It was just a friendly-fun night cuddling.

    At his place, he gave me a copy of his keys so I can stay and sleep late (how sweet, no?) and he just took me in his arms and it felt really good. We kissed and cuddled (but nothing more) and it felt wow!… And I felt guilty for E since I was there with his friend. But at the same time, E is not showing a lot of interest and I don’t owe him anything after all. I guess I don’t have to feel guilty about it because i was feeling happy while doing it. And the most important person in the world is me, no? I feel better now that I think of it that way.

    In the morning, he woke up, went in the shower and when he came back in the room, I woke up and he came sit in the bed and just chat with me for like 30 minutes. Sweet!

    I decided not to stay because I felt like being home and i left with him. He tol me that he enjoyed his eening, not only the part in his bed, but the “whole random thing”. He walked me to the taxi and kissed me. Sweeeeeeet!!

    And he texted me during the afternoon. I texted back “Arrgg. Weird feeling. I think of yesterday… and I want to do it again (the whole random thing…)”.

    He haven’t reply yet. But he is at work. Did I went too far with my last message?

    The weird thin is that I really felt better with him then when I am with E. He did some great things that E doesn’t do. E doesn’t hold me in his arms when we sleep together. He doesn’t kiss me good bye usually, just a hug. When he stays at my place, he always leave super early, even in the weekend, he never proposed me to stay for sleepin late…

    Anyway I don’t think I can include him in my circular dating rotAtion since he is E’s friend. Even if I stopped seeing E….

    I would love to hear your thoughts about this…



  251.  #251Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Yay I got it! I changed a few more words. Lol. Sorry for spamming the blog!!



  252.  #252Daria on December 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Sweet pea I’m sorry u felt traumatized by your teachers.

    However mirroring the traumatizing behavior to the kids is protect thrm is not what will help.

    Would you treat a little girl ‘jerky’ to ‘prepare her’ for possible jerky guys in the future? That doesn’t quite make sense.

    However that IS what we do with discipline to teach consequences. And its what we do to OURSELVES.

    When doing Rori work do you speak to yourself with ‘disciplining consequences’ when you’ve done something ‘wrong’? Or do you encourage yourself and beat yourself up and discipline yourself as little as possible?

    Which one feels better? Which one shifts and brings faster results?

    I am all about undoing ‘disciplining myself’ here. It’s babysteps … I’ve been trained this way by people wanting to protect me too.



  253.  #253Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Starla @ 191,

    What you began here is what has worked for me. i.e. I ask myself, “If she stole my man, what would that feel like?” Then I sink into the feelings.

    Seems once I face the little fear beggars down, they lose all their oomph and I can go on being my anxiety-free, sireny self.

    Hey! How are ya anyway?



  254.  #254Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Aww geez! I can’t post again!!



  255.  #255Daria on December 2, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Lizka – you’ve already included him in your circular dating rotation. I give you permission to date this guy that treats you well. *waves wand*



  256.  #256Starla on December 2, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    right on, lizka. you go girl. lean back and you’re a-ok.

    have fun:)



  257.  #257Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    And obviously, when I start thinking less about E, I get a text from him asking how life is! Haha

    If he asked me about what I did yesterday, I think I will tell him that I slept at S’s place. Will maybe add to it “because I was too drunk to take a cab”…



  258.  #258Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    My posts aren’t going through again. Wth?



  259.  #259Daria on December 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I feel sad. I feel mad at the blog. Rah!

    I feel needy and graspy and ashamed.

    Like, I’m not staying filled up. I need attention again and again and again. And I feel ashamed of that.

    And I love me.

    Of course it’s like needing food again and again.

    I’m feeling sad and lonely.

    Feeling tired.

    Feeling drained.



  260.  #260Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    RE 245 No Lizka. I believe that would come across as a game of playing hard to get and guys can smell a game from a mile away. I would just wait and see how I feel if he asks and then share that. You might actually feel uncomfortable with him asking about your private life as you are not obligated to him without any commitment on his part.

    Regarding the night I would not put any meanings to it and get all invested in this guy. He might have just been trying to be a gentleman and helping out a friend. I would most likely take it to mean that my vibe was attractive to him so some of the work I am doing on myself is catching on and take it as an indication to keep leaning back and building my self-esteem. Nothing more. Remember you both were drinking. But yes it is great that you are cdating and have created opportunities for therapy and healing for yourself. Just my thoughts………….



  261.  #261Starla on December 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    It feels SO good to see CF pay special attention to me, and make me feel important, even when there are other interesting and attractive women around!! Wow it feels amazing! I feel so important! Thank you, universe, for sending me this lovely man! He makes me feel so important and attractive, like the only woman in the world. He rubbed my back last night whenever my friend was distracted, because i was stressed out, but didn’t want to make me uncomfortable around my friend.

    but then he stopped caring and just rubbed my shoulders with her in the room anyway.

    awww, i love it!

    wow, i feel completely flipped now!

    thank you, ladies!! <3 thank you FW and LG and all of you <3 <3



  262.  #262Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Awww thank you Starla and Daria! It feels incredibly good to not being judged! He just replied to my text: “It was fun indeed, who knows if the feeling stays we just may do it again lol”

    Wouhou!!!

    And E is asking me out tonight! Sorry I already made plans eating Kraft Diner and being hangover with myself while watching tv tonight. I’m free tomorrow or Sunday. Hehe

    That feels gooooood to say!



  263.  #263Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Yayy Starla. Continuing focussing on the good feeling thoughts and your pictures of bliss.



  264.  #264Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Starla @ 191

    I think you’re onto something here. At least something that works for me. i.e. I ask myself, “What would it feel like if she stole my man?” Then I sink into the feelings.

    Seems when I face my fears head on, they lose all their oomph. I no longer feel anxiety and can go on being my sireny self.

    Hi!!! 😀



  265.  #265Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Starla: I was thinking more about your situation and seeing how I have done that myself in similar circumstances.

    And thinking about how when we go into masculine mode to care for friends, it’s energetically like we are both (me and the guy) courting the friend. And how it can even trigger competitive feelings in the man.

    And also remembering other times where I haven’t done that, and how excited the guy seemed because he was getting to provide the masculine counterpart for not one, but two women. And how that seemed to cause him to step up even more.

    And I believe that most men are loyal and as long as they don’t feel a competitive edge with the original woman that they liked, they will not go after the friend. They will just feel proud of themselves, like “I’m not only providing for my lady, but for her friend too. What an amazing guy I am!” and they feel inspired to do it more and more.

    That’s been my experience anyway.

    Its awesome that you are in touch with your feelings and caught this before it got outta control. And it’s awesome that you ate the treats!



  266.  #266Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Wow LG that was really eye-opening. I have several stories of guys leaving me for other women, including one with a best friend. I really feel gratitude towards you for sharing that story because now it gives me new information to review my past relationships with. Right now I have one guys attention because his girlfriend got insecure because of his friendship with me and another of his long term friends. She ended up breaking off saying they are not compatible and is now throwing a lot of anger at him even though she wants him back, but he says he is done.



  267.  #267Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Thank you FW. He texted me and did not ask about my night so i said nothing. If he asks, I will have to tell him because his friend might do so. But i will not insist on telling him if it doesn’t come on the table.

    About “He might have just been trying to be a gentleman and helping out a friend.”, not sure I get it…

    Help out a friend? I didn’t nee to be rescued and I don’t see where he was helping me out. I don’t think you are right about this one. It’s now how I feel it.

    Anyway I just feel good now and if he asks me out I will definitly be open to it and be honnest with E if he asks because he might know sooner or later, don’t you think?



  268.  #268Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Helping out a friend, in my humble opinion, was just suggesting how he might be thinking in guy terms. They think differently than us. However, I am also assuming that he was feeling good with you and wanted to prolong the feeling. I am not suggesting you need to be rescued. I am just concerned that you might start to create stories in your mind around the experience and go off into an instant relationship. It is something that we women do. Maybe if E asks I would play with it and rather than “be honest” flip and and tilt my head and say “Do I sense a little jealousy there” or are you missing me?

    Yes, revel in the good feelings but remember to be present and stay in the moment.



  269.  #269Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Plus I forgot to mentioned it but E know I was at a bar with S yesterday because he randomly called him durin the night and S said I am with Lizka at Xcompany Christmas party. He just doesn’t know the sleepin over part…



  270.  #270Hopeful on December 2, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Luzydel – I read your posts and I can really relate to you. I have been married for many years, and dated my husband for years, too. The pain you feel now I felt before I met him. I remember going to an old boyfriend’s house and telling him in no uncertain terms that I did not want to ever hear from him again. And he stayed away. I was really doing angry that day.

    I think I am married to my soulmate. I always thought he was my soul mate – from date number 2. He is the only guy I dated that I ever wanted to marry. But we are struggling now. We both need to work on some things. Being married does not guarantee happiness.

    There is a lot of compromise that married gals don’t tell single gals about. Sometimes I miss the freedom of being single – even simple things like being able to run errands after work without checking in. Or making decisions without getting buy in. And can I buy another cool pair of shoes without getting crap about it? Don’t get me wrong, I really do want to work things out with my guy. Just pointing out that there are some good things about being single.

    I remember one time in my 20’s when I was so sick of the heartaches of dating that I decided to take a year off from dating. Let me tell you my siren friends that I never had so many men buzzing around me as I did that year that I was NOT dating. I had to keep turning guys down when they asked me on dates. They didn’t get it. I had the best year. I had so much fun, so much attention from guys. And so much fun with groups of friends.

    I didn’t meet my husband till years later. But all that anger, blaming, anxiety, and convincing behaviors stuff is really in my face now. I am feeling huge pain and I am married. I gotta deal with my stuff now.

    So I am leaning back. And opening my heart. And I am doing my best to quit worrying, and fearing imagined conversations. And it is working. It is kind of amazing. Took me a long time to figure this out. Actually still figuring it out.

    Just wanted to throw a different perspective out there. Take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck to you.



  271.  #271Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    FW

    “Maybe if E asks I would play with it and rather than “be honest” flip and and tilt my head and say “Do I sense a little jealousy there” or are you missing me?”

    I love love love that!! I will definitly keep it in mind!!

    And thank you for the “staying in the moment” advice. You are right. I think I’m the #1 woman in the whole world when it comes to instant relationship!



  272.  #272Mel on December 2, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Thank you sooooooo much for your thoughts Sweetpea!

    I’ve just decided to go with the flow on the meeting the kids thing. It’ll happen when it happens. He has his reasons.

    But I suspect that I will love them instantly too. I adore kids (and they tend to adore me back). So yeah… it’s best that we are both sure of things before introductions.

    He mentioned to me the other day that he doesn’t want to introduce me as a “friend.” That their mother does that with her boyfriend and he thinks it’s stupid. He thinks it must be confusing for his young daughter to have mom’s “pal” sleeping over all the time. He said when he introduces me he wants them to know that I am a special person in his life and that we’re a couple.

    So this makes a bit more sense to me. For him, it’s more than just an introduction, but also an acknowledgement of the “relationship.” A big deal.

    He wants to be sure. I get it. I’ll give him the space to figure it out.

    He is still always saying things like “when you meet my son…” or “You’ll like my daughter…” though so I know it’s on his radar. It’ll happen on it’s own time. What did pooh say… “Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” Yup. That’s it! 🙂



  273.  #273Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    I feel sireny.

    I’m a hangover little siren.

    Hehe



  274.  #274lk on December 2, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    @Starla

    oh heyyy cutie : )

    um, just saw this: “he actually used to volunteer to do the score board, and he told me he did it to meet women but all them girls were crazy.”

    if that’s part of the reason you’re feeling triggered – like he’ll be a kid in a candy shop kind of – just imagine how you’d think about him if he was with you at a show with firemen stripping (right? like, total fantasy?) well, OF COURSE you’d be imagining have sxx with a couple of them (or i should say *I* would be imagining that), & I’d even be comparing my beau to them – but in the gentlest, most loving, satisfied way (i can remember many times this happening with other men i’ve dated – like, i see another attractive guy, appreciate him, then appreciate what that lust reminds me of: love, or: the person at my side).

    my uncle met his wife when he was 14. they moved in together when they were 17 & have never lived apart. they have the most amazing marriage & one time he was telling me about love, & he said, “When you find those ‘off’ things about the person you love – like a gap in the front teeth – those are the things you really love about that person, because those are the things that make them who they are.

    so, in conclusion, it’s not about how you live up to a “standard” or “type” or “fantasy” — it’s the totally amazing things that differentiate the raw, fully-expressed YOU. (i.e. you are the prize lol)

    sorry for the rant – feeling extra pleased as I arrived home to a clean apartment (thanks, lk!) at 2:50 in the afternoon (thanks, bossman!)

    now i’ve opened all the blinds & then just as i was sitting down to spxrk & finish my half-cider from last night, CDcd called.

    OK & what about that conversation – very brief! haha. very very brief – like, a minute! & all he said was (& actually i’m going to transcribe it as i’m horrible at dialogue & think it’s actually a mental failing because i really don’t all the time remember what people SAY…. i just remember the idea. scary sometimes… I remember math classes being hard because of that – since i had to teach myself outside of class & read ahead because otherwise i couldn’t understand the class… wow……..audio learning is really super difficult for me. thanks for noticing again & reminding me! that’s something to think about when you’re dating CD tonight…fun exercise! good luck! — & so speaking of exercises, here is this one:

    me: hi! (like i know it’s him, like friendly haha)

    cd: hey, lk – it’s me, cd

    hi! how are you?

    i’m doing well, did you just get off of work?

    I did & now I’m home! it’s so wonderful!

    him: well, i just got home; i did fix my furnace.

    oh good! i’m glad to hear that!

    him: yes, so i’m just (i forget what right now : / humbug)… did you have a chance to think if you want to hang out later? (i’m really forgetting)

    yes! that sounds fun! (a little surprised sounding, probably)

    can i come by around 6?

    oh sure! (very surprised sounding – i don’t really know why.. i guess i’m just STILL confused about the entire logistical situation. i haven’t had a dog in a while, & i’ve lived in a remote mountain town where some roads close at night approximately never).

    great! well i’ll see you then

    (note this brevity of conversation – i do enjoy it – i do prefer it – but it is very surprising to me… it doesn’t happen to me very often? i can’t think of anyone else this terse haha)

    me what do you want to do?

    him: oh, i don’t know, we could see that show.

    me oh yeah!! (still so surprised) yes, that sounds really fun! i’d really like that! (like i’d never even heard this plan before LOL)

    him: ok great.

    me oh, ok, well… see you then! that sounds good… & do i need anything? do you need anything?

    him i don’t need anything. do you need anything?

    me: i don’t think so… um… this is silly. what are you wearing? what should i wear?

    him: jeans & a shirt, probably : )

    me: that is what i’m wearing.

    him: well, i’m going to be home now until about 5 so call me if you think of anything you do need.

    me ok, see you then! (kind of scared by that kind offer)

    him: great, lk, see you then.

    uh, this guy is a grown-up. baby lk is nervous – she’s like – i don’t want to be a grownup! & the princess is like – tugging my sleeve – lk, lk, lk, lk, don’t you remember those other ones, lk? & what about the ones we don’t even know about? ahhh they’re so cute when they’re 6footsomething & a little drunk, so cavalier, doing bike tricks in the park at midnight

    ok, well i really must must must must do something good with all this trash & really he’s coming pretty soon i think. humbug i’m nervous. what about kissing? ahhh i’m so so scared…. how do i back myself down from this….

    ok, this is not a narrative, this is an arc, but it has no hard beginning or end…just the spinning, ok, the breathing, the tumbling, the chaotic pendulums, the asymptote & the hyperbole…..

    what should i wear? Hahaha, ok, lk! that’s cute you’re nervous : ) oh YES that’s what I do – bring the focus back on me. calm down. this is a boy in my life, i’m not a girl in his.

    what do *I* want to wear? i want to wear pink lipstick. ok, haha, cute. what else? sexy. it’s hiphop! ok…… oh, yes so a cute top with a neckline? oh, i hear that. yes & jeans. i want to wear jeans. can i wear wear the booties with the fur? no. it’s a concert. you’ll get spilled on.

    hm.

    do i have to wear the tall ones? yeah, i think so. that sxcks. you could wear the cute red boy boots haha… those are hilarious. that’s actually really not a bad idea. i need to be really careful with my ankles while i dance, then.

    i could wear hiking boots, lol, but i probably wouldn’t feel to cute.

    i’m pretty sure this is a record for me for writing – lengthwise. sorry for spamming….

    good luck to me! is what i say. & yes, you do what the fxck you want with your cleavage & your body hair. LK can i go without a bra???… bra will be better, for today, lk. oh… maybe we can consider it.



  275.  #275Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Lizka I believe we all aware until we learn to stay aware and “in the moment”.



  276.  #276Femininewoman on December 2, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    lk You are gem. I feel like laughing and falling off my chair.

    Lizka I am feeling real happy for you. Such a change in just a few days.



  277.  #277lk on December 2, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    i’m nervous! oh, it’s fine.

    i’m so so glad i never had a cigarette..

    oh & i actually had a story to tell. not a story… just a memory. so i went out because most of the snow had melted from the rocks, so i went to see how paolo was. it was crazy, though. i actually couldn’t see anything that i’d left there & was getting cr8zy visuals trying to look.. totally randomly. & interesting ones too… hm… haha.



  278.  #278Starla on December 2, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    lk u make me wanna take my bra off tonight, lol.

    you sirens have helped me so much today. i am feeling good and goddessy. and like my love for my friend is obvious, so i have nothing to prove.



  279.  #279Rori Raye on December 2, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Artemisia, as a woman who’s fallen (many times) in the past in the situation you’re in – I feel expert enough to tell you this: a man who sees you as a friend will NEVER see you otherwise…he is simply NOT RIGHT for you! Just because we feel deeply doesn’t mean there’s anything there. Most of the time it’s just our toxic garbage showing up and making us feel this way – it has nothing to do with love or intimacy. Please, please keep working at the Cd’ing – just as you’re doing, and see how calm and easy you start to feel. As you focus on uplifting yourself this way – all kinds of doors and men’s hearts will open to you – and not this one. Once you’ve made some shifts inside yourself – you won’t even want this guy. Love, Rori



  280.  #280Rori Raye on December 2, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Daria – I love your neediness. It’s just a feeling, just a voice coming up. The degree to which you love her – this voice (and I hear you loving her) – is the degree to which you’ll leap out of this space and to the next level where you feel…good more of the time. (And I know you know all this – just wanted to cheerlead….) Love, Rori



  281.  #281Rori Raye on December 2, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Lizka and all – so sorry about the moderation – as you’ve all seen – the spam is coming in fast and furious and it gets through the filters. I had to choose between holding you up sometimes (for what reasons sometimes I can’t even tell) or letting the spam get through…so, thank you for your patience!

    There’s only me here on the blog – no one else reads through your comments but me – and sometimes I’m slow, or I go out for the weekend and don’t look…so I apologize in advance – if it gets bad and I don’t seem to be here – Daria and Tinque and some others of you wonderful regulars know how to reach me to alert me…Love, Rori



  282.  #282lk on December 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    what do the women of 2011 think?

    can i go braless on a date with a man i’ve only been out with…. i cannot for the life of me think how many times i’ve been out with him. the first time..the…second time…the third time. ok, this is the fourth time…. thus, the end of that question is: four times? & never kissed & never…. i don’t know… like, overtly flirted with. but it is flirtation that he does & i do accept it, which is like flirting – it’s like floating on your back instead of swimming laps, but you’re in the water either way

    ANYWAY jeez lk stop interrupting me with your weird rants.

    Is it fine or not to go bra-less? i have pretty small breasts, but in a t-shirt (a long-sleeved, modest scoop neck) it would still be obvious at times. & i’ll be dancing. but that’s why i want to be all free! i want to dance & relax & really get the vibe, no strings or corsets. : /



  283.  #283Starla on December 2, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    go bra-less if you want. seriously, lk. i think it’s fine fine fine.



  284.  #284Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Artemisia: re #286

    Rori gave me almost this exact advice three years ago or so when I first came here…

    And it’s so true!!!

    I could have that guy now and I don’t even want him!

    Thanks Rori for sharing you wisdom



  285.  #285Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Oh don’t worry Rori! 🙂



  286.  #286luzydel on December 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I had to hide my OK cupid again, because “S” emailed me there and Now I feel awkward…ugh! I was getting some nice emails from some men….

    Why am I letting someone control my life again?



  287.  #287Hopeful on December 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Daria – I feel bad when people don’t respond to my posts too. But there are a lot of people in the room. It is like a party and it is hard to keep up with all the conversations. Even reading the thread, it is a little hard to keep track. And people don’t post for all sorts of reasons that don’t necessarily have to do with you.

    PS. I love reading what people post. It is all so interesting. I am here to read and grow.



  288.  #288Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    It was really eye-opening for me to realize that too!

    I’ve felt the pain of losing a man to a friend and it is horrible. I feel so glad that I now have the tools to deal with it…both to prevent it from happening and deal with the pain if it does.

    Yay us!



  289.  #289Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Oh, 277 was in response to you, FW



  290.  #290Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I think that before today, I did not really understand what “accepting my feelings” meant.

    I started the day feeling guilty toward E for what happened with S and even more for feeling good about our night.

    I than realised that I am allowed to feel good and to want to include him in my circular dating rotation. I like E a lot and for many years, but I love me more. I am allowed to have a warm feeling for someone else, even if it’s his friend. I am not going to lose an opportunity to CD, to have free therapy, to learn about myself, to be treated well by a good looking, nice and professional man, and to feel good. The most important thing in the world is ME and I will do what it takes to feel good!

    Keeping the focus on me!!!



  291.  #291Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    271 lk:

    Go bra less, I think it’s sooooo sexy!!



  292.  #292lk on December 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    realized i could freak out & eliminate all evidence of life in my house, have him show up with me cleaning. or i could have a glass of water, take a quick shower, do my makeup, listen to music… dance : ) yes, lk. that is the way to be a happy girl.



  293.  #293lk on December 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    thanks, ladies. i’m so nervous… but I forgot, my hair is long enough, i can hide my chest if i want that : )



  294.  #294Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    so angry

    just got into an argument with Z CD about him asking if im going out with another guy and also wanting me to meet him

    i was considering getting off the phone but the phone hung up on its own, maybe he hung up i dono

    i feel mad

    and i feel lonely

    and then i talked to some new dude and i ddin’t feel good talking to him either

    i feel diappointed about Z cd cuz there was stuff i liked about him



  295.  #295Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    E texted me and asked me out for tonight. It was already late in the afternoon and I was in a relax mood.

    Ireplied by a “Awe that’s so sweet of you! But lol Iam making myself some hangover food and planning on watching stupid tv shows tonight very quiet at home. It would feel good to see you though. I’m free tomorrow and Sunday…”

    He said “Sure, text me tomorrow…gnight 🙂 ”

    I want to see him tomorrow but why can’t he make a plan?! “text me tomorrow”, that’s not a plan, right?

    Should I make plan if I receive an invitation before he comes up with a real plan?

    Also I don’t want to text him tomorrow. I want HIM to text me. How do I do that? At the same time, today was the 2nd day in a row that I say no to his invitation. I really want to go out with him, but he always comes with last minute plan. If I don’t call him tomorrow after he ask me to call him today, won’t he think that I am really not interested?



  296.  #296Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    when is Mercury unretrograding



  297.  #297Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Big hug Daria! xoxo

    I don’t like when people feel lonely. It makes me sad.



  298.  #298Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    wow, its still retrograde for a long time blah



  299.  #299Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Thanks Lizka



  300.  #300Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Lizka – maybe if it happens again you can respond…

    ‘oh it would feel so good to go out with you, i feel better to have plans ahead of time what do you think?’



  301.  #301Liz on December 2, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Hi everybody,
    I feel frustrated in my process, learning how to be more of a siren and connect with you all….it feels so hard to break in and get feedback from all of you who have been here for awhile together.
    I don’t know where to start or who to reply to, but I do want to feel my feelings and become more of a siren….is there anybody out there that would like to connect with me?



  302.  #302Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Thank you Daria. Since he asks me to text him
    Tomorrow, I think I will text something inspired by what you wrote. Thank you!!



  303.  #303Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Liz, I would but I’m also new in here and still learning. I guess I can listen and we still can share. 🙂



  304.  #304Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Lizka – personally i would not text him , you can experiment with what you would like though…

    i feel better when the man texts me personally and i don’t even feel good being asked to text a guy really its a turn off for me

    i would have either not responded and not text, or wrote, oh it would feel better to hear from u…

    or in general iwth a guy i say i don’t feel comfortable to contact a man , i feel better when the guy takes charge of that stuff



  305.  #305Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Ohhh Daria I should have tell hin that it would feel better to hear from him. Damm! And its too late now, I already said good night. Maybe I will text him, maybe not. I’ll see how i feel tomorrow. Thank you for your help.

    xoxo



  306.  #306Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    feelin so frustrated at feeling lonely right now!

    a Cd is texted me ‘i miss you’ and i feel pist like ok make some plans iwth me then!!!

    rarrgh

    and other CD’s are calling

    ok some guy did want to make planst with me tonite

    but i said no cuz it woulda been late for me for a first meeting

    and my girl called me and asked me some stuff but i notice i actually feel kinda mad and not safe/good with her anymore after that incident with CD and also that she said some stuff to me that didnt’ feel good ( i think she was drunk) but i felt kinda put off

    not to mention she hasn’t really been answering the phone for me lately

    and im like ugh wow does NOT feel good

    tonite im going on Cdate for a short time and it would be a chance for me to stay downtown and go out later but the truth is i don’t even have anyone downtown i really want to kick it with

    z cd, her, Tman, getright, all live there, but … i dono

    blah



  307.  #307Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    i just thought of calling Getright to see if he’s free after my Cdate but

    i dnoo

    imight not liek it and it might make me feel worse

    he did call me yesterday

    i had clled him twice the days before tho

    i want to plan some FUN

    and i feel stumped

    its friday too

    mhhhh

    my cdate is in like one hour

    i want to go

    i dont want to cmoe back home after and do what i did all day yesterday and the beginning of today which is sit here in bed

    i feel disappointed

    i feel mad



  308.  #308Liz on December 2, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Hi Lizka
    Thanks for the hello!
    I feel unsure if other sirens want my feedback…..
    but Daria it sure is inspiring to read how you are exploring how you feel.
    Thanks
    I feel really lost, waiting for someone to call, just dropped off my son at a sleepover….there’s dishes to do and workouts to do but….keep thinking about that man who told me he feels a connection to me and feels aroused by me, despite his current relationship….
    well, guess i will do the dishes and play some music and dance while cleaning….then maybe have a bath and really feel it?



  309.  #309Artemisia on December 2, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Rori, thank you so much for your reply! It is so insightful and powerful, and I do feel hope for my future when reading these words. Although right now I am not ready to accept that he is not right for me, I am also not constantly thinking about the situation. It could be rather the lack of other men in my life than the absence of this particular man. Time will show…

    I am really looking forward to all these doors opening for me! The additional difficulty I see (again, I am not making a big deal out of this, just sharing the fact) is that I recently moved to Spain, and so everything is new to me, the culture, the way of interacting, the language (I have an intermediate level Spanish). But I will work through it. Does anyone else live in a different country and culture that they are still learning about?

    Laughing Goddess, thank you also for your comment! The fact that these tools have worked for you in a similar situation give me hope that I will also be able to move on! How did you deal with the fear of Circular Dating? It is almost paralyzing to me to start making eye contact and flirting with men in the street!

    My initial comment was #75, it was awaiting moderation (if anyone wants to read it and make any additional comments). Thank you Rori for all the wonderful work you are doing!



  310.  #310Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    if i do the deer exercise i can fulfill my sexual neediness and flow my hormones.. and i feel kinda jumpy here i dont have full privacy



  311.  #311Daria on December 2, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    hugs Liz



  312.  #312Nikita on December 2, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    I have a major question.

    I hooked up with my manager(sort of) and now I’m not sure how to lean back. I noticed that I’m not being as open about my needs/requests regarding work because he’s not coming towards me as much—- so I feel a bit unsure about approaching him the way I naturally would if we had never had sex, I’d also love to have more sex- but again he seems to be super focused on work(12-14hr days) and then spending a lot of time with my other boss-(who I am so over bcuz he’s so mean when he talks it’s like a stormcloud)

    I really like this guy…I feel amazing when I’m around him but I also feel like I’m protecting him from feeling uncomfortable by me leaning forward in the sense of ……asking for work related shi$ I’m also maybe avoiding him, being warm, being distant when others are around (bcuz I don’t want ppl to FEEL me basking in this guy’s light or catch on that I have this amazing monster crush with this guy that is my supervisor



  313.  #313Daria on December 2, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    wow Rori wrote to me about neediness… thanks Rori…

    im feeling better already

    ok im love love love this needy voice thank you

    i love you needy voice

    lil sad hopeless unworthy powerless feeling voice

    i love you!

    im feeling so much more energized right now



  314.  #314Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Rori,

    It seems I can only post a few comments and then although it acts like it will post, my posts don’t show up. Even after restarting my computer I couldn’t post. I’m hoping this one will go through…it happened to me last night, too.

    Is this a problem on my end or yours – must be mine since nobody else seems to be having issues. Hmmm…



  315.  #315Daria on December 2, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Nikita – i don’t know but feel very curious. i have gotten myself in similar situations before



  316.  #316Laughing Goddess on December 2, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Artemisia:

    ***Laughing Goddess, thank you also for your comment! The fact that these tools have worked for you in a similar situation give me hope that I will also be able to move on! How did you deal with the fear of Circular Dating? It is almost paralyzing to me to start making eye contact and flirting with men in the street!***

    It felt really scary to me at first too.

    I started by really appreciating the men who were in my life. My guy friends, my father, the guy at the store who opened the door for me. I just started really appreciating the generalized masculine energy that was around me.

    And I also saw little things that were happening in my life as ways I was being romanced by my divine lover. I wrote a lot about that in a post above.

    I did lots of energy work on myself. Mostly just stuff that I made up. Or that was inspired by Rori’s tool and other people’s work. I often wouldn’t remember the exact tool. I would just start with the general idea and follow the energy in my body.

    I would visualize myself breathing love in and out as I breathed and would send love to myself.

    I really fell in love with myself.

    And I followed my passions. I joined a band. I started empowering myself by getting a reliable car. I went to the hot springs just because I wanted to.

    And that’s where I met my guy.

    And I almost gave up on him to chase a guy that I had ‘chemistry’ with. But I faced my fears of intimacy and gave the good guy a chance.

    And I’m not perfect at being a siren, yet I’ve found that even a little shift brings drastically different results.

    And my ‘friend’ that I was completely in love with…ya, now I look back and think “what?!?”. When I see him, I feel so happy that things didn’t work out because I’m so better off.

    One thing I didn’t do was date a ton of guys. My life turned around pretty quickly and it just wasn’t necessary.



  317.  #317Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Hey Liz!

    I’ve been here a year or so…As you can see from my posts, I’m having trouble, but I’m here if possible. What’s up?



  318.  #318Artemisia on December 2, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Laughing Goddess,
    WOW! That is just such an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing that with me, I feel really grateful! You just completely energized me with hope and passion, and I can physically feel a tingle in my stomach just by reading your words.

    You know, I have thought that deep down this guy probably realizes that when I reach even part of my full potential as a woman, that he won’t be enough for me 😉 But enough about him, it is my turn to be happy! I have already started following some of my passions, and I will do more exciting things, and I will do everything I can to make myself fall in love with me!



  319.  #319tenny on December 2, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    I feel like I want to be held. But I feel good with my self and my feelings. Not feeling lonely so much, just feeling like I want to be held, for real.



  320.  #320Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Mel @ 261 –
    I hope my thoughts were helpful. I have so much I haven’t been able to post lately…it feels difficult to not carry on and on. That Inner Romantic is contributing to that gushiness too, me thinks. I LOVED her! 🙂

    I feel respect for MM not wanting to get his kids involved until we’re sure. Although I feel impatient and just wish he’d do something about it, already. And then I’ve felt some freaking out around the whole 3 month mark – alot. On my first date with him, we discussed how 3 months seems to be the cut-off date for both of us. He was married for 13 years and I’ve been involved in a couple 5 year relationships, but I felt lots of anxiety about this for awhile. In fact, tomorrow is the 3 month anniversary of our first date.

    He’s not showing any signs of backing off – was already making tentative plans with me for New Year’s Eve (and New Year’s Eve Eve, lol) last weekend. And then he mentioned that the women in his life have been the ones to disappear, so I feel a little more comfortable knowing it’s not him that jets.

    I’m feeling real comfy putting my running shoes into retirement for the time being, too, but it’s taken some serious work to get to this place of feeling no anxiety.

    Whew! Always learning. One of the tools I used is to ask myself, “what would it feel like if he just up and disappeared?” And I discovered it might feel a little hurtful and confusing, but I have the tools (saddle and bridle, lol) to ride on and be ok without him. And I feel confident, oh so very (and thankfully) confident that if he’s not my happily ever after, there’s a better ever after out there for me, somewhere nearby.

    His kids are super warm and welcoming to me. It feels really good, but a bit overwhelming right now. He talks to me about them all the time, but it’s been awhile since he’s made any reference to my meeting them. He talks about them to me enought that I feel like I know them, though. Also, two of them have some behavioral stuff going on, but I worked with adolescents in a behavioral hospital for over a year, so I feel capable of dealing. I think he’s also waiting to see if I can handle that, and also I feel protected by him.

    I take it your Architect’s kids are younger? His range from 15 to 8. So, challenging. I feel up to it though…whenever we decide it’s time. I still feel a little hesitant, when I think about it anyway. When I take the focus off of this being the barometer to how our relationship is going (it feels that way to me, too) and simply wonder about how it would feel to be involved with them and him in day-to-day life, I fee hesitant and a little nervous.

    Like I said, I feel trusting of him to not rush any of us into anything too quickly. I’ve been working on a lot of triggers around this whold waiting thing, too. I feel great about everything right now though. So…
    Going with the flow sounds like a good plan for both of us, huh?

    (Btw, I adore kids too, and it’s mutual. Think it’s cuz I’m a big kid at heart. Dogs seem to like me too, and that’s definitely mutual. – Again…random thought).

    I guess we can love our inner rivers, too. That will get us there, someday. 😀



  321.  #321Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Nikita @ 30,

    Can you compartmentalize your work life from your personal life with him?

    I dated (and became engaged to, lived with, etc a guy I worked with who later became my supervisor). It complicated things mucho, and I personally wouldn’t recommend it. I understand that you’ve already “dipped a toe in the water” though, so to speak and the best advice I can give you from personal experience, is that to the best of your ability, you need to be able to keep how you feel about him in a separate compartment in the back of your mind while you’re at work.

    Also, of course, check in with yourself to see if you’re asking him a question just to get to see his gorgeous (I bet it’s gorgeous) face. If so, don’t do it. If you have a legitimate question though, go forth feeling confident and ask.

    Feel free to ask away if you have more questions. I navigated it pretty successfully. I’m no expert, but I can tell you what worked for me. Hope that helps.



  322.  #322tenny on December 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I need to lean back even more. I need to practice it all the time. I want to really to this right. I feel like I’m leaning forward subconsciously.



  323.  #323luzydel on December 2, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    I feel sad and nostalgic…I just found out that someone died, sort of suicide because she refused food and water; she had plenty of health problems. I never met her in person, just like you some online soul. Perhaps having a broken heart is not that bad when you compared it to situations like this, where even those little things we take for granted are lost; and even the chance to love again is a distant memory.

    Then I realized how lucky I am to have tried for something even if I failed, that means I am alive and healthy. I do not want to deprived myself of feeling sad because someone left me, I am giving myself permission to cry. But also I am putting some perspective in to my temporary grief.

    This young woman was dependent of everyone to do even the most basic things, her life was not the same. She loved herself so much to continue living that way; at least that is how I see it.

    So I am letting it die….I am letting whatever all these men left in me die…I am not feeding them anymore. I love myself enough to let them die.



  324.  #324Mel on December 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Hey sweetpea,

    My architect has a 5-year old and a 13-year old. The older one knows of me (apparently he’s kinda nosey- LOL) and wants to meet me. The younger one doesn’t know of me at all.

    It’s funny… I was just thinking about it and while I would LOVE to meet the kids, and really do want to have children in my life, part of my reason for wanting him to get it over with already is that I feel sad that we don’t get to see each other when it’s his week with them. I feel disconnected and sometimes forgotten and I wish I didn’t have to stay away. Sigh. Maybe I just want to see more of him? I think it’s for both reasons, actually.

    I’m feeling a bit down about this tonight. The logical part of me KNOWS that he’s busy and that things come up and that he’s just being a great dad… but I feel sad that he said he would call tonight and hasn’t. That although he says he misses me, he’s not doing anything about it. Ugh. And what’s really making me feel frustrated is that none of this mattered before. But now that I have feelings for him and we have become intimate, I CARE. I’m frustrated with myself and my hormonal attachment, and wish that I didn’t feel this way. I wish that it could feel easy all the time.

    I went to the gym and refused to stay at home waiting around. I feel a bit better, but still a bit sad. I’m going to go have a nice shower and maybe watch a show then go to bed early for once. It’s okay to feel down now and again. I love my frustration. It reminds me to take care of myself. I’m still a young siren… feeling my way through this. I need to make plans tomorrow. something fun and exciting.

    It’s all good. No matter! 😉



  325.  #325Liz on December 2, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Thanks Sweetpea and Daria,
    I feel so seen, it’s incredible what a shift a hello can make!
    Tenny, I feel like being held again too, the way my friend held me when he came over to tell me he wanted to date me, but needed to figure out what he was doing with his girlfriend….i felt so close to him and felt so much energy….
    i just love trying to tune into my feelings and this is such an incredible opportunity to have the space to explore them with other women…thanks for welcoming me in…..lots of hugs to you wonderful women….my phone is ringing….a CD is calling me!!!!
    bye!



  326.  #326Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Artemisia @ 298,

    First of all, I love the advice Laughing Goddess gave you. I want to stress again (as she did) that falling in love with yourself is the most important thing you can do (in my opinion).

    As far as CDing goes, have you set up a profile on any of the free dating sites yet (plenty of fish “POF” and ok cupid “OKC” are the two I use, but if you do a search for “free online dating sites” there are lots of them)? I had recently moved to a new city (not country, but that sounds like FUN!) when I found Rori- actually, I found her off of a POF ad! 😀

    It seems difficult at first, and you’ll get some messages that will trigger you – I almost guarantee it, but it’s great practice, great therapy and leads to great healing. The best thing about it though, is that you can practice feeling messages in writing (which was easier for me) and you don’t have to meet anyone until you feel safe with it.

    One caveat: the first message I got was from a guy wanting no strings attached sex – there are filters you can set to keep guys from emailing you who are only looking for sex. But my best advice is to just block them – maybe get on here and vent about how gross it felt and move on. They’re few and far between. Best wishes on your journey! You’ve landed in a safe haven. 😉



  327.  #327Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Mel @ 313,

    I know the feeling of frustration at not being able to see him more. I posted on the end of the last thread about how I had a tentative date with MM that he cancelled to clean house. I felt highly unamused and told him so. I decided I was speaking my truth – after the fact, so I did it by text, heehee. I didn’t hear a peep out of him, which is a HUGE trigger for me. I almost ended it just because I was having a hard time dealing with the feelings and it’s a bad habit I had in the past. Rather than keep texting and texting, I’d say “f you then, buddy. It’s over” (I’ve come a long, long way, but it was still ever so tempting.

    Instead, I sat with my feelings, spoke my peace – eventually. I started out slow, telling him how much I respect his putting his kids first, but that I feel like I lost my place. He responded to that one that he knows his schedule is a pain to plan around. I sent him 3 more kind of – pussyfooting, for lack of a better word – around it. I finally just sent him one that said, “Despite my penchant for running shoes (a personal joke between us) – I’m looking to settle down. Saying this feels scary, but there you have it.” It felt pretty good to speak my peace, which he encouraged me to do, so the next, and last one I sent was, “I have to say this – I understand that the girls are priority and I’m okay w/ that, but housecleaning? Not so ok with that.”

    Not my best feeling message, but I don’t claim to be an expert and I weighed the pros and cons and decided being authentic (and as non-blamey as possible – I did TRY) outweighed not saying what I was feeling just because I couldn’t figure out the best way to say it.

    And then I sat with those bad, nasty, icky feelings and fumed and fussed with myself and felt freaked out because he wasn’t responding…. (deep breath) and then finally – I just let it go. I never heard anything from him the next morning (it was the weekend, so I could have) – and I was ok with it – I still let it ride. I went and hung out with my friends and forgot about it. I feel utterly happy and proud of myself for being able to do that!

    Finally, about 1:30, I got a text from him (if it had been a call, I had already determined I was having too much fun to deal with it and probably wouldn’t have taken it, but…I got a text) saying, “A lot to absorb. How about I come watch football with you?” Super sweet! I was warm and open (also used to be hard for me) and said, “sure.”

    We ended up hanging out longer than he had planned and while we were hanging, I told him what I want – and what I don’t want. That I didn’t want to sit on the sidelines waiting for him to have time for me- AND that I didn’t want to pressure him. He said, “yet you are.” I responded, “I’m not. It doesn’t have to be you.” (He always holds me while we have these intense talks, which feels really good). He leaned back, looked me in the eye, grinned at me and told me, “I love your confidence.” I just grinned back at him, shrugged – and again, dropped it.

    The next time I heard from him, he proposed spending the weekend, M, T and W evening together. 😀 It ended up being those days, and the following F, Sat and Sunday. It was amazing! I felt special and heard and…. just WOW!!



  328.  #328Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Liz,

    Wow! I feel curious to know what he does with the girlfriend.

    I had a potential CD who had a girlfriend awhile back – Rori did a post on it – I think it’s one of her most popular posts. On the right hand side, there’s a link to her most popular posts that makes it easy to find. If you’re interested in reading what she had to say about it! Pretty exciting stuff!



  329.  #329Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Artemisia 298,

    About your fear of Circular dating – I am new here and jyst officially started to circular date. I say “officially” because I always have seen multiple men at a time when I was not in an exclusive relationship. I just didn’t know it was circular dating, I was calling it multiple long term relationship. Lol. I prefere “circular dating”. And now that I know Rori, i added
    Some very healthy rules to it and just started to use it as a tool to learn about myself, etc.

    What is new for me, is meeting guys online. This I was freakin’ afraid of. I use to be very judgamental with people (even my friends) who were dating online. But I decided to try it because I wanted to meet A LOT of men, more than I would have the chance to meet “in real life” and also because I wanted to be able to have more choice and decide who I wanted to meet or not. And it worked well! So far, I met with 2 online guys and everything went fine.

    I suggest you go on Rori’S previous article to read the post I wrote about my date with C.A-CD this week, it went so good and might inspire you? I think i posted it on Wednesday afternoon. Will try to get you the #.

    Good luck with that honey!!! xoxo



  330.  #330Lizka on December 2, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Artemisia 298,

    Go see posts #350 and #449 on the article about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher!

    You will feel how excited I was about my secod experience of meeting in person someone I met online!



  331.  #331Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Mel also @ 313,

    Also, not meeting the kids, I feel like a secret. That feels kind of bad – not a dirty little secret, I guess – they know he’s dating someone (after Sunday, they know it’s me) – but a secret nonetheless. I don’t like feeling like a secret. It’s not a raging issue, but something we may have to talk about in the near future. Except, ugh!! I really don’t want to meet them until I feel more certain that things are going to work out. So…we’ll just have to see. It’s not a huge deal with me anymore, anyway. If I get tired of waiting around, I know how to take care of myself.

    All the kids are nosey about me – especially after Sunday. He’s been having to run interference to keep them from playing 20 questions with him about me and I feel highly amused by that. The youngest wanted to introduce me to their mom on Sunday. THAT felt really nerve-wracking!!! Thank God she didn’t want to meet me any more than I wanted to meet her.

    You say: “And what’s really making me feel frustrated is that none of this mattered before. But now that I have feelings for him and we have become intimate, I CARE. I’m frustrated with myself and my hormonal attachment, and wish that I didn’t feel this way. I wish that it could feel easy all the time.”

    I can identify with this big time – but I’ve worked through much of it and accepted and love that part of me, too. I care. There’s nothing wrong with that – and the hormonal attachment? Something I knew I was getting myself into when I started sleeping with him. *shrug* I’m not even feeling as frustrated with not seeing him as much as I’d like. I know that ultimately, he’ll step all the way up, or he won’t. And me? I’ll be fine either way. I’m an amazing woman and he would be a fool to let me slip through his fingers. I told him that, too – not in those exacting words. I think the exact words were, “You’re not gonna find another woman like me -who will accept your kids and is f***ing fabulous.” I got the lean back and grin at me over that one, too, heehee.

    Good for you for getting out and not waiting around. Nothing feels more maddening to me than waiting around! Btw, I’m not encouraging you to do as I do. It worked for me – or has so far, but I only did it because being authentic and stating boundaries is something I’m consciously working on right now. It’s my next step in my “I love ME program”. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do as I do – not unless YOU feel comfortable with it. I just love the results it got me and had to share! And yes. It is ok to feel down once and awhile. As long as we’re not wallowing in it daily – imho.



  332.  #332Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    FW – I meant to respond to you earlier re: your statement that you saw posts from me. I posted a couple and then they just didn’t register. The same thing happened this afternoon, although it seems to be resolved now.

    I ran spybot and got rid of some stuff – maybe that had something to do with it?

    Thank you for your concern. 😉



  333.  #333Liz on December 2, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Hi Sweetpea,
    I love your name….
    I will check that post out…is it the one about other women in his life?
    I feel curious about his girlfriend too, he tells me they are not that close and that he feels totally able to be himself around me and that I looked really pretty and that he is attracted to me.
    I felt so hopeful reading your post about being authentic and speaking your truth….that sounds fantastic….and you gave him space to process your text in his own time….you have got to be feeling good about that!



  334.  #334Mel on December 2, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Thank you, thank you Sweetpea!

    You’ve really helped a lot tonight. I loved how you said that you didn’t want to sit on the sidelines. AND that you didn’t want to pressure him. It’s true though… it doesn’t HAVE to be him. I’m seriously at this place where I KNOW that I am freaking awesome and that if he’s not able to give me the relationship I want… I WILL find someone that wants what I want.

    Man, we must be in total synchronisity. Lately, I too have been feeling like a big secret. And it sucks. I don’t want to feel like a cheap mistress. I am a really valuable woman. He knows it too.

    I think if this is bugging me, I need to say something. Nothing blamey… just that I miss him and feel a little needy (which I hate myself for!) when we go for too long between visits. That I’m just a girl and girls want to be kissed and cuddled and smiled at in real life… not just with emoticons. That I feel frustrated sometimes because while I understand the need to be discreet, I don’t want to feel like a big secret either.

    What do you think?

    Funny… Sexy Sarcastic has just started a little texting convo with me… I’m wondering if maybe I SHOULD date other men just to keep sane. It might make these “off” weeks a little more bearable.



  335.  #335Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Daria @ 245,

    Thanks. I feel a little misunderstood, like I’m not expressing myself as clearly as I’d like. I’m not suggesting my parents did or should have mirrored traumatizing behavior toward me. I’m not condoning mirroring traumatizing behavior to kids. I’m saying kids are exuberant and energetic and happy and FUN! And I love that about them. But they have to learn some impulse control either by my gentle hand, or by a more harsh hand. Not to say they should be made into tiny little grown-ups – just that there’s a time and place for them to be outrageously, outlandishly themselves – and times they need to control their impulses.

    You ask, “Would you treat a little girl ‘jerky’ to ‘prepare her’ for possible jerky guys in the future? That doesn’t quite make sense.” – – – Of course not, but I would teach her the tools I’ve learned from Rori and prepare her for jerky guys. To not do so, to let her learn it the hard way would be a disservice to her. Children need to be prepared for real life outside of home and the way to do that is to TEACH them, not let them run around doing whatever they please. I fail to see how the two are the same. It would be a disservice to my babies and cruel and heartless for me to not teach them about life and coping skills.

    I’m thinking we’re arguing two sides of the same coin, here. I feel confident that you’re not suggesting we allow children their “freedom” by not teaching them anything. For me, discipline falls into the category of teaching them.

    What it looks like to me, (and I know this is solely my perception) is that your saying just let children do whatever they want to do. If that’s what we were going to do with children, why would we not just turn them loose in the forest and let them learn everything the hard way? Not me. I want to teach my kids to be happy and fulfilled. And finding the balance between letting them be completely, fully themselves and having some impulse control is where it’s at for me.

    I realize balance is a triggering word for you – but it’s not for me. The Universe is a balance. If I don’t teach them balance, they WILL have to learn it the hard way. And I don’t want that for my kids.

    I don’t teach myself consequences, life does. If I’m a friggin arsehole to everyone, I won’t have friends. If I don’t share my toys, chances are, most kids aren’t gonna want to play with me. That’s life. I can learn it the hard way – or I can listen to people with more knowledge than I have and learn it the easy way. Just like I do with Rori. I ran wild with my feelings for many years and then I found someone with more knowledge than me who is gracious enough to teach me. And I am SOOOO thankful for that.

    Not leaning forward took discipline for me. I gave (and still do) give into my impulses sometimes, but I don’t like the way I feel about it for the most part, and I know better, thanks to Rori, so I control that impulse and I feel better. And things work out better for me in the end.

    It’s counter-intuitive for me to date more than one man at a time. It was uncomfortable for me to CD, but…it works. If I had just gone with my impulses, I would certainly have pushed MM away by now. In fact, I would probably not have met MM in the first place.

    You ask: “When doing Rori work do you speak to yourself with ‘disciplining consequences’ when you’ve done something ‘wrong’? Or do you encourage yourself and beat yourself up and discipline yourself as little as possible?”

    I don’t give myself the consequences, as mentioned above – life does.

    Which brings me full circle to my original thesis – Life is full of consequences. I can let my kids suffer consequences from a cold, hard, cruel world, or I can teach them consequences with love and compassion. They’re going to learn them one way or another. I prefer they learn them from me.

    My parents never blamed me or made me feel badly about myself. I don’t believe blame and feeling badly about oneself goes hand-in-hand with discipline. I was never spanked in anger – never once. Not by either of my parents – which says a hella lot about them, cuz I was a handFULL.

    For example, my Dad told me the story about when I was little and I was determined to put my hand on the hot stove. He stopped me and told me, “Sweetpea, don’t do that.” I started to do it anyway, and he told me, “Sweetpea, if you do that, it’s going to burn your hand. And it’s gonna hurt. And you’re gonna cry.” I, still determined took a step closer. So he told me, “Alright then, but just remember, I told you so.” And he let me touch the stove. And, just like he told me, I burned my hand and it hurt…and I cried. Some people would call that neglect, I guess. And this seems like what you’re proposing, actually. Maybe it’s not a bad thing. I do know that from then on, when my Dad told me, “ok, but just remember I told you so,” I stopped and thought some more about what he was telling me the consequences would be, before I acted. That, to me, is impulse control. And it’s necessary – a lot in life.

    So maybe, if that’s what you’re proposing, that’s not such a bad way to raise kids – let ’em run wild and learn the consequences for themselves. But I’m sure gonna warn them before I let them walk blindly into it. And I’ll comfort them, too. Just like my Dad did me.



  336.  #336Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Liz @ 322,

    Here is a link to the post: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/is-he-off-limits-because-he-has-a-girlfriend/

    I think you’ll find it interesting.

    And yes, thank you. I feel amazed and relieved that I’ve been able to give him the space to process and make his own decisions. And equally amazed and trusting of him that he stepped up and surprised me.

    Do you know the Rori Raye Mantra? I love it! It’s:
    Trust Your Boundaries
    Follow Your Feelings
    Choose Your Words
    Be Surprised



  337.  #337bluerose on December 2, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    #305

    that was very nice and helpful.

    i’ve noticed that there are lots of roses here, so i’m changing my name to bluerose.

    other people commented how hard it is to break in here, and it is. but i’ve gotten some great feedback from the ladies here. i guess you just should not take it personally when no one replies to a message you wrote.

    my CD has dropped down to one. i don’t know what’s wrong with my energy, but it doesn’t feel good. i know i have a huge project and so can’t get out much until next month, but i’m not sure if that’s what’s keeping the boys away.



  338.  #338Mel on December 2, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Sweetpea, do you think my “chosen” words in 323 are okay? Sometimes it’s so hard to put into words how I feel… and it’s really not his fault at ALL. It’s just my mushy feelings. So I don’t want to blame.



  339.  #339Daria on December 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    yay ok like super cds want to see me now, and actually 2 fell back but one stepped up he asked me waht i wanted to do and it was what he wanted and nwo hes gonna be calling and on his way wooo!



  340.  #340Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Mel @ 323,

    Goodie, goodie! It feels good to be helpful. And thank you! I don’t feel very competent with feeling messages – I wish I did feel more competent, but I’m still practicing. I feel very competent with being authentic right now, though and that feels priceless. I don’t think MM is very easy to offend though, and that’s very helpful for me. He doesn’t seem to take things personally. Although, when I shared with him that I felt freaked out about not hearing back from him, and almost reverted back to old habits and ended just to feel some relief, he told me he had the same reaction when he read my texts. So there is a caveat here. He was none too amused with my suggesting I felt second to cleaning house. But I did. And it’s important to me that I be able to communicate my feelings to my man, so if he wants to fill those shoes, then…. well…then I guess we’re doing ok so far.

    It does feel like we’re in synchronicity. Feels good to have someone to discuss this with who really “gets it”. Not that there aren’t other Sirens who have been in similar situations, but they’re not right now. Makes for a feeling of comradery that feels good and comfy.

    Yes! Both of us will find what we want if these guys can’t give it to us. And apparently, it really is hard to find a woman who can deal with the reality of stepkids. Probably pretty common on here – lots of amazing women, but not so everywhere.

    You said “Lately, I too have been feeling like a big secret. And it sucks. I don’t want to feel like a cheap mistress. I am a really valuable woman. He knows it too.” — For me, the key is that he does know it. My feelings of beind a dirty secret are my own – nothing to do with him. He shows me regularly that he’s proud of me and shows me off plenty – just not to his kids. So… considering my feelings about meeting the kids, I guess I’ll get through the dirty secret feelings, too. Or I’ll move on to someone who doesn’t bring that up in me. I tend to believe it’ll keep coming up until I do heal it though, so might as well do it now. Any suggestions for how to do that? 😀

    Your speech sounds fine to me, but like I said, I don’t feel like an expert on FMs. I feel interested to see what the rest of the Sirens have to say. Remember my caveat though – he may balk at it. Although from what I’ve seen, he doesn’t seem the type.

    I haven’t done any CDing in about a month, but when I thought it was going to be three weeks between visits, I was on it. Since he stepped up so nicely though, I’m feeling pretty good not going on actual dates. But if that doesn’t continue, there’s a very good chance I will.

    I actually told him last weekend that I don’t want him dating and he told me he’s not and won’t. (I was a little late on this one. I liked kissing him when I met him. Still wasn’t completely attracted – for I have no idea why because if I had a list of what I want looks-wise from a guy, I’d check all the boxes with him- but it wasn’t instant chemistry for me. When I first saw his profile, I was like, “meeeooow!”, but not in person. Weird). Anyway, he told me considering that he doesn’t have as much time to spend with me as I would like, he would understand if I do. So, nothing weird there if I do.

    Man! I know Rori says we’re not supposed to feel lucky to have a guy in our lives, and I don’t feel grateful to him, but I certainly feel grateful to the Universe for bringing me this amazing therapist. And I feel grateful to myself for putting in the effort to get myself to a place where I can tolerate it. I feel lucky!!! Heehee

    Anyway, if you’re having a hard time with the time in between seeing him, I would feel safe encouraging you to. I will myself, if I need to keep myself from feeling clingy.

    I’m interested to know where things go with Sexy Sarcastic. So cool that he’s back! You go, Siren!!



  341.  #341Daria on December 2, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    yes! please date other men ! yes yes yes! lol



  342.  #342Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    @ 326
    Mel,

    I think they’re fine. Like I said though, I don’t feel expert at the Feeling Messages. I feel impatient with them when I can’t get the words out right and end up just blurting the least blamey feeling thing I can. I did tell MM that I was aware this is “my stuff” and maybe that helped a little?



  343.  #343Daria on December 2, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    ” your saying just let children do whatever they want to do.” I am saying that. I want to let them do whatever they want to do, with my support and my mindful presence…

    I kinda see that we’re ‘hearing’ our own triggers here.

    disciplining someone to me isn’t comforting, sharing wisdom, and encouragement.

    its control, punishment, coercion. even if its not phyiscal – like a time out.

    i don’t want to talk about this anymore really, it feels draining.

    i feel guilty for writing that – that it feels draining

    im worried that it seems like im blaming you for how it feels

    i dont want to do that

    blah

    feeling excited nand impatient waiting to hear from this CD



  344.  #344Mel on December 2, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    “I’m interested to know where things go with Sexy Sarcastic. So cool that he’s back! ”

    LOL, the question I’m asking myself is WHY is he back? what is he here to teach me or what therapy is he here to offer?

    You’re right though, I need to heal the “secret” feelings or they will keep coming up. I was thinking about it the other day and noticed that I still hadn’t even talked about him or mentioned his name to my parents. So it would appear I was keeping him as MY little secret. I’ve since mentioned him and it felt good. Maybe his secretiveness was/is just mirroring my own.

    I think the time apart is kind of triggering for me because for the last while in my marriage I felt like I had to beg for any scrap of attention and I NEVER want to feel that way again. Sometimes during his weeks with the kids, we just can’t seem to connect. Stuff is always getting in the way… and I feel forgotten. But I know this is just my old stuff bubbling to the surface and during these moments I just need to not forget myself.

    I’m so happy that I have such great support here!



  345.  #345Daria on December 2, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    Embrace your envy. Love it, pay attention to it. If you do, the desires beneath it will be unearthed with tremendous speed.



  346.  #346Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Daria @ 329,

    Lol! “Dating” other men feels draining to me right now. I just feel blah about it. But if MM stops giving me what I want, I will. In a heartbeat. I know the value of it and I’m not into wasting time.



  347.  #347Daria on December 2, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    ““Dating” other men feels draining to me right now. I just feel blah about it.”

    Hmm i wonder what thats about… sounds like the subconscious kicking up resistance

    thinking about going on CDate today felt draining to me, i feel better now after it though

    im feleing tired actually now! impromptu CDate hasnt called back, and its been over an hour.. hmm



  348.  #348Butterfly Wings on December 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Hello everybody! I had the best night out with TH last night. The BEST! I wore the dress he bought me and OMG I was literally hit on from all sides! At one stage I think I had around 5 guys all chatting me up – at once!

    TH thought it was quite amusing too, and I just lapped up all of the attention! 🙂

    Prior to meeting up with TH I was at another function and he started to text me, asking me to join him (from previous thread, he’d suggested I pack my new dress “in case we went out later” and my car was also parked at his house, so I was definitely going back to his house last night regardless). So I left the function I was at (which I was feeling quite bored at) and joined him and another coworker who knows about us.

    TH paid for dinner, my drinks and was so attentive, showing me more affection than he EVER shows normally. It was so bizarre! But good!

    And finally we went back to his house and of course we did what we do best, then went to sleep! 😉

    My ex took back his lawn mower a couple of weeks ago, so TH offered to lend me his, so we put that in my car this morning and I came home.

    He is at the cricket today and earlier in the week invited me to stay at his house after a few drinks, but I’m not 100% sure he’ll be up to it because it’s a really hot day here and he’ll be in the sun for most of it, so I’m sure he’ll be exhausted. So I’m not putting any expectations on him about this. If he’s up to it I’ll go over, otherwise I’ll stay home and pamper myself tonight. I’m happy either way!

    Oh and I think it was Starla who said something earlier about taking no for an answer. It made me realise that I rarely take no for an answer… Wow….

    Ok that’s me. I’ve gotta go and mow this lawn! 😛



  349.  #349Nikita on December 2, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Ugh



  350.  #350Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Mel @ 332 –

    You may never know what he’s back to teach you – I don’t know what most of my CDs taught me. Probably lots of little stuff. I know that MM is teaching me mucho about being open and authentic – he draws me out of myself – and while it felt distinctly uncomfortable at first, I feel really grateful for it. I’m feeling secure in my authentic self. (I just got off the phone with him, btw and he remembered my birthday!! – It’s not until Monday, but he remembered. I feel so special)!

    But as for the rest of my CDs the last year or so, there hasn’t been one big thing they’ve taught me – more like they “honed” all my skills – establishing boundaries, practicing FMs, expressing my don’t wants. Maybe that was the biggest thing – they helped me to define what I don’t want. Hey! That’s their job, I think! LOL!

    Hmmm….speaking of keeping secrets, I’m keeping MM secret from my Dad. Because my Dad is not at all helpful when it comes to men in my life. I have a reason for it, just like he has from keeping me from meeting the kids. Hmmmm…. But I told my brother about him – and that’s a bigger deal, really. For some reason, it’s more important to me that my brother like the man I’m with than it is for my Dad to like him. I think because he might actually have a chance of being liked by my brother. My Dad? They’re never, never, EVER good enough for him. Guess I’m still Daddy’s Little Girl and I just haven’t needed help in the past seeing the bad points, which he’s ever to ready to point out.

    I swore to myself about a year ago that I wouldn’t talk to my Dad about anyone I’m dating again, until after I’m married – or maybe right before. So maybe this IS mirroring me. Thanks for that, Mel. I wonder if I’m strong enough now to not let my Dad’s opinion completely color my own? Or should I stick with telling him when it’s too late for him to plant NVs in my head?

    Argh! More healing, I guess. That’s all good. I love healing stuff!



  351.  #351Daria on December 2, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    wow i feel so surprised hes not calling.!! hes the one who proposed meeting and even details about it

    wow!

    pfff

    im back to feeling lonely

    and then i feel disappointed that this othet CD i had talked to and was maybe gonna meet hasnt called and also i read his page and eh sounded mean, which he did NOT on the phone and i actually felt impressed by that

    pfff

    it does feel good to be in bed right now tho and im

    actually feeling kinda sleepy



  352.  #352Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Daria,

    I think it has more to do with the fact that I have a man already who’s stepping up big time. And I’m feeling confident and secure with him – Not feeling the anxiety I’ve felt in the past, and just enjoying myself.

    After all, Rori does say CDing is more about feeling good about ourselves – not necessarily dating men. I feel good about myself right now. I don’t need a man – including MM to make me feel that way. I feel good with myself.

    If I start feeling less than good about myself, I’ll date men. Until then, I’m CDing in the actual sense of the word. Doesn’t feel like resistance at all to me. Feels peaceful, calm and juicy. I’m not dependent on anyone but me for my happiness. He just adds to it when I’m with him – or when I’m talking to him, or whatever.



  353.  #353Daria on December 2, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    make u wanna keep the baby kevin federline

    do gs get to go to heaven/

    cuz i dont wanna die

    but do gz get to go to heaven

    cuz if so id like to know



  354.  #354Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Daria,

    Also, I haven’t felt lonely, or anxious around someone not calling or responding to me for awhile. The last time I did, I worked through it without the therapy of a man to help me with it.

    I don’t want to date other men right now – and as long as I’m not comfortable dating other men, I’m going to be authentic to me – and not do it.

    I’m not opposed to it, if I start feeling anxious and less than loving about myself and like I’m not learning what I need to from MM – I’ll seek my therapy elsewhere. Right now…I’m doing fine with my therapist and me.



  355.  #355Daria on December 2, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Sweetpea – im sure you’ll be fine

    if that was me id probably be dating other men until im married. i wouldnt stop when i feel good and comfortable with one guy. that seems like how i – and lots of other women i read about – would get myself in trouble

    i also am getting quite protective and a big head about the sacredness/importance of my ‘exclusivity’

    im definitely waiting for marriage with my exclusivity

    i don’t want to just give it away without a lifetime commitment

    for me ‘exclusivity’ has come to mean pretty much what a wife does

    and i don;t want to act like a wife without being one

    .

    i feel uncomfortable a bit like im somehow finding myself in a position of seeming to tell u what to do. i dont want to do that. i feel calm reading about your decisions. i feel a bit judgemental too. hmmm.

    that would mean im judging me. i wonder what that’s about?



  356.  #356Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    I even CD when I’m out with MM. And it’s fun! I flirt and talk to other guys and even play pool with other guys occasionally. I have a blast!

    There’s a really hot guy who’s about 7 years younger than me that I see regularly when I’m with MM. I’m always flirting with him. Then just last weekend, there was an older guy I did the 5 second look with. That was a little uncomfortable, because he approached me when I was leaving (MM wasn’t with me when I did the look) and MM was right behind me. MM got a kick out of it. I just felt bad for the guy because he looked distinctly uncomfortable when he saw MM. Oops.

    And when he met me to watch football with me, I was getting up and hugging all the guys who came in – all the ones I regularly do. It feels really good to do.



  357.  #357Nikita on December 2, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Thanks sweetpea,

    He also has a gf. Lol. How timely. Thx for the link.

    I need to have a big talk with him and …..well….when I met him and connected with him he was not my boss and he dropped all sorts of hints to pursue me and get my attention….

    …but now he has my attention…..(best sex of my life)
    And he’s my boss and I found out I can’t go around him to get what I want….. I have to go thru him and that means being assertive and ….well, I can be very timid or very very feisty when I decide I want something.

    I do NOT ask about his gf- I only heard thru coworkers that he even had one…..and a son….I never got details….
    After being with him I wonder if he’s pulling back from guilt or if he really is just working all the time (which I can see that he is) it’s been so long since i liked a man who was at the mercy of his job I’m struggling to empathize.

    Anyways- what does leaning back at work look like?

    I use the waterwheel tool when I get uber constricted feeling and wanting to hide from him…..he’s very sweet but I fear he’s just being polite bcuz he and I hooked up?

    I am tired of being in his head!!!!!! I want to get back into my heart.

    To make it deeper- it’s long distance!! But I want to move to where he lives…..and I could transfer but I have to ask him……which brings up all kinds of feelings …. And fears of rejection bcuz it’s all very lean forwardy



  358.  #358Daria on December 2, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    also i feel confused about ‘i dont feel comfortable’ thing

    like sometimes, im willing to feel uncomfortable to grow.

    yet sometimes, i feel uncomfortable means NO i dont want to do that.

    like…

    i feel uncomfortable coming to a man – means, NO i dont’ want to do that

    but

    i feel uncomfortable lookign at men in the eye for 5 seconds and smiling, i WILL do that though in babysteps

    i feel uncomfortable dating other men when i feel attached to one, but i WILL do that too…

    hmm

    im feeling confused about the difference.

    cuz the truth is much of this growth stuff Does feel uncomfortable

    so how come one is a feel uncomfortable, don’t do it

    and some of it is a feel uncomfortable, do it anyway

    hmmm

    love to me



  359.  #359Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Daria,

    That is odd that you would feel judging of yourself around this. Do you think it’s because of the guys who are your “favorites” for lack of a better word? I feel kind of weird here, but it just struck me when I read that, that you were feeling kinda down about DMan, GetRight and GuyWho (are those the right ones?) earlier. Do you think you’re feeling judgmental because you actually are feeling…maybe more attracted(?)…not sure of the right words… to some CDs than others?



  360.  #360Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Wow, Daria! I feel interested reading #346 – the questions feel interesting and valid to me.

    I did CD, like I said, up until about the last month. Now, all the CDs faded out and I just don’t feel compelled to find more. My online profiles are still up, but at the same time I was thinking I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of these guys, my phone went out so I couldn’t respond without borrowing a computer – and I have lots of other stuff to do for my biz on the computer. Then I read a post by Rori that CDing in the actual sense does not have to be going out on dates with men. Then when I got my own laptop, the wifi went out, so that made it even more difficult to get my work done, let alone answer emails. And it seemed serendipitous to me. Seriously, right when I was deciding to CD, I couldn’t. And now I don’t want to again.

    I know what CDing is for – therapy. I’m not opposed to it, but I’ve been working through the big stuff with MM, on my own without CDing. All of the needs that actually dating other men serve, have been met. The CDing I do without dating seems to be working for me right now.

    Dating up until the time I’m engaged is something I feel resistance around though. It’s not something I’m feeling resistance to right now, but EMK said, “Guys ask their girlfriends to marry them.” And it was WAY triggering for me. Very. I cancelled my email subscription with him and told him I felt condescended to, and then I sat and worked through those feelings.

    What I determined, is that I have to do what my heart and intuition tell me. I’ve had a tendency to run where the grass is greener in the past. So that’s something I’m healing right now, too. And it’s been healing for me to not run – I’ve actually gotten up to physically run away from him more than once. So…maybe it’s just a matter of healing some stuff that not everyone here has had to deal with.

    I appreciate your compassion toward me and talking it through with me. And I do value you opinion. It just feels more important for me to be happy with myself right now and not run away when I start to feel something for someone. I’ve felt like Runaway Bride in the past. I don’t want that anymore.



  361.  #361Daria on December 2, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    sorry for coming off judgemental Sweetpea

    i feel inspired by your situation with the hugging the guys coming in etc

    i would do it differently about exclusivity and in a way i notiec im beating myself up and comparing

    like she probably has it right, im doing it the weirdo pushing away intimacy way,

    of course it makes more sense to get exclusive and have a boyfriend before marriage, thats not “crazy” like i am

    and its gonna work out better

    all the normal girls get exclusive and have boyfriends and dont get all divaish about their exclusivity which pushes guys away of course

    and the normal girls have the good relationship

    thank you beliefs

    and wow!



  362.  #362Daria on December 2, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Sweetpea- i feel like singing and dancing happy

    that talking to you about this got me to talk about these beliefs i have that i felt kidna scared and ashamed about

    omg this is so wonderful

    yay healing!!!

    yay!



  363.  #363Daria on December 2, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    oh,, a man i just met is coming for an impromptu CD and i feel happy about it yay



  364.  #364Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    Nikita @ 345,

    Oh my. Leaning back at work – I wasn’t familiar with Rori’s tools when I did this, so I can’t say what leaning back looks like. What I did is just put on my professional face – I guess that would be my “boy hat” in Rori’s terms, after all I WAS at work – and treated him like a co-worker. I thought of him as a co-worker when we were at work, and just didn’t lete my feelings come into play there. I “compartmentalized” my feelings and my actions – one set for work, another for away from work.



  365.  #365Sweetpea on December 2, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Daria,

    I feel ecstatic that this has been a healing experience for both of us. You are an inspiration and I look forward to watching you take this journey to your happily ever after.

    Love to you, Queen Diva Siren.

    And now, I must get some sleep. Have to get up in 6 hours. Ugh!



  366.  #366Butterfly Wings on December 2, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Hey Mel. I didn’t introduce my kids to TH till over a year later, so don’t read too much into it. I have absolutely adored TH for over a year, but I held off on the introductions until I was sure he’d be sticking around for a while.

    So it could be that he’s uncertain about what you’re feeling for him too, but the fact that he keeps mentioning the subject is a good sign that he’s seriously thinking about doing it. 🙂



  367.  #367Daria on December 2, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    im starting to get bold – was holding back tryna feeling message it and i know i will make my way to it –

    im now telling men who whine aobut doing it all

    that i only date men who like to do it all

    and oh no you dont have a car, how are you gonna come see me?

    yeeee

    freedom



  368.  #368Daria on December 2, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    haha one said wow



  369.  #369Starla on December 3, 2011 at 12:15 am

    i went to the derby with my girl and CF and that.was.a.trigger.fest.

    but i didn’t let it cause any outward problems. it was inner triggers. i took babysteps to manage them. i still have a lot of work to do. while i was in the situation, i felt like “oh man, this is going to feel bad for days…” but now I am at home in bed and feeling lovely.

    i feel proud of me. i didn’t let the inner triggers cause outer drama. i didn’t fake being excited and happy or anything, i was definitely quieter than usual, but that’s cuz i was sinking into my feelings and babystepping with tools.

    i used to cause drama because i felt uncomfortable being quiet with my own feelings, i think.

    this is a HUGE step for me. like i said, it was VERY hard tonight, but i handled it gracefully and i did a bunch of baby steps.

    i was aware of every trigger, and i was careful not to lean forward, overfunction, or get blamey when each one came through.

    this was awesome free therapy. i seriously did a lot of work tonight.



  370.  #370Starla on December 3, 2011 at 12:21 am

    AND (daria will like this one) i realized even more how great it is for me to be CDing right now. and i’m looking forward to my date next weekend with Alaska. and it’d feel nice to meet other interesting men.

    when in doubt of how something’s going to turn out (e.g., will i be able to handle how i feel with this man and other women around? will he help make it as easy as possible each time?), rather than getting all scared about the outcome of stuff with one man, i can just wait and see with him and many other men too.

    i’m singleeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! reminder. also, i am the prize (thanks LG)

    though i admit willingly i am completely into CF. He is lovely and makes me feel blessed to be alive.



  371.  #371lk on December 3, 2011 at 2:28 am

    i just need to write this & sleep, because it’s possible i want to go to yoga tomorrow at 8:15…. lol, it’s 2:35 right now!

    kind of a charmed day, very pleasant.

    enjoyed my afternoon in my house, straightening & thinking & relaxing & stretching & dancing.

    CDcd called me as he was leaving his house, i listened to the message saying it would take him an hour… i was like, oh, i bet there will be traffic… well, the poor boy was an hour later than he had originally estimated : ) I had gotten hungry while waiting, so i made myself a little snack plate with apples, frozen cranberries, cheese & pecans, ate half. then made some spinach on toast & he arrived just a i was finishing cleaning the kitchen. my hands were wet from doing the dishes, but i paused to hug him anyway & i didn’t notice him being stressed much at all by the traffic situation or by being late & unable to call….

    well, he unloaded his gifts for me : ) bread, 3 kinds of cheese, salami & a bottle of wine. i was still drinking my cider, though so he had one with me & just left everything else for me, except we did have a couple bites of salami with the toast & snacks.

    then i guess we just sat on the floor & ate & talked….. he told me what each of his parents said to him when he told them he met me haha… & about his work & he talked just the tiniest bit about money… which normally makes me feel weird & guilty… but the way he was talking about it made me feel warm & also inspired. oh & also, we talked about secrets. he told me his big one & so I told him mine — which are oddly interrelated & complementary, actually.

    he got here at 7 but somehow we weren’t ready to go to the show until after 9? haha… um… i was like, oh, we’re going to late but i feel fine about it. how do you feel? & he said, “a wizard always arrives at exactly the right moment.” wow!

    i was the navigator on the drive, & i kept “testing his psychic abilities” (i.e. forgetting to tell him directions). we made it quickly, though. he bought my ticket & a drink & just as we found a spot, literally the first song of the night played (though technically the show should have started more than 30 minutes earlier!).

    we kind of broke the touch barrier… lol… there was a lot of back touching & by the end of the night, there was even a VERY gently guiding arm around the waist. wow i feel super interested in our sxxual compatibility. but i think the way to test that first is by flirting more. sometimes my humor is a little edgy & when CD gets surprised by a comment, he will say something that tries to engage / shows he’s not intimidated by it, but he hasn’t said a sensual / suggestive thing to me that has really made me feel in touch with him in that way.

    he is really cute… but not my usual type, so sometimes i get surprised that i think he’s cute.

    cl txtd & asked to be email pen pals! awwww : ))) that’s so sweet – i said yes yes yes & she sent me a picture ml txtd to her – ew – horrible! hahaha

    i’m glad he got a different car for the snow now.

    & also, he said that he really wants me to see his home & i want to as well. not that it necessarily pertains to *me* haha, but i like that the dog is not permitted in the bedrooms. also, he said bedrooms plural? does that mean i could sleep over without the shared bed? that sounds nice?

    i’m so scared & excited if we kiss….

    he bought all the harry potter movies & we’re going to watch the last ones together. it’s funny because he’s a fan & i’m a psycho fan kind of but neither of us ever saw the final movie for some reason…

    anyway.

    hug goodnight, no kiss : ) so pleasant & comfortable. & also, now i have a lot of groceries.

    & also, when we were talking in my house, i actually said to him what i think about feeling like my computer, my radio, my lamps, & in a different way my art, food, etc…… are very definite & active presences. he agreed!! wow! so i was encouraged & said to him how i think before storms, in the edges of light – dusk & dawn – i can see the air molecules ionizing & i can see the buzzpop of the electrons shifting orbital levels…… well, what do you think he said? he goes, “oh, sure, well i know i can feel that on my skin on those days, so i’m sure you’re seeing them. either that, or you’re crazy, but then i’m just as crazy.” what a nice thing to say.

    also, the concert was really, really good & my body is very sore from dancing…. like more than 4 hours of dancing!



  372.  #372Daria on December 3, 2011 at 3:59 am

    so wow if a guy wants to leave early, but still wants to see you

    it felt BAD

    i felt neglected and pist

    he likes me but if he can leave before im ready to it felt humiliating

    no

    way’

    im riding hard

    even tho i think im being a bitch

    i love me



  373.  #373Daria on December 3, 2011 at 4:00 am

    so wow if a guy wants to leave early, but still wants to see you

    it felt BAD

    i felt neglected and pist

    he likes me but if he can leave before im ready to it felt humiliating

    no

    way’

    im riding hard

    even tho i think im being a bi*tch

    i love me



  374.  #374Daria on December 3, 2011 at 4:07 am

    yay starla. i can literally feel your feminine muscles recouping.



  375.  #375Daria on December 3, 2011 at 4:08 am

    well actually not literally . i can abstractly imagine them – the muscles used to be aware and remain open and not lean forward – and feel it in my body as i release and rejuvenate



  376.  #376Daria on December 3, 2011 at 4:10 am

    mm yah

    mm feeling sleepy

    m gums feel uncomfortable

    adn not jsut muscles – yeah tissues and bones too –

    gums feel tingly

    inside tummy top feel hot

    feel bummed

    feel tingly in throat



  377.  #377Liz on December 3, 2011 at 4:18 am

    lk @359
    thanks for sharing your incredible experience and I hope you got to go to yoga to stretch your body after all those hours of dancing…that is really interesting you can see the electrons shifting orbital levels, you must be very sensitive energetically…
    this is very encouraging for me to hear that you had such an amazing time with a guy and that it has not gotten very physical yet….i feel like i am working on creating that space to receive before sharing that feminine ‘gift’….



  378.  #378Daria on December 3, 2011 at 4:19 am

    thank you for brushing my teeth

    thank you for honoring my feelings

    i felt insecure that i had the thought ‘shes hard to get along with’

    she may be smart and funny and interesting and beautiful

    but hard to get along with means we dont really like her

    we dont like being around her

    i want to heal that

    i love me



  379.  #379Daria on December 3, 2011 at 4:22 am

    go cd i revealed a lot of my insecurities

    apologized for when i wasnt doing the 4 rules!

    and for interrupting

    lots of babysteps



  380.  #380Liz on December 3, 2011 at 4:37 am

    Sweetpea,
    Thank-you so much. I read that post last night and I felt like it was my situation to the tea! I felt confused though that I had done the wrong thing now, since when we had tea together, I told him I did not feel comfortable being around him, since I am feeling so turned on by him. We have spend a lot of time together in his office and he has done a lot of work for me for free and he always drags it out so it takes two-three hours to fill out one little insurance form and I have loved his attention and had a great time practicing the tools I was reading about about staying in the feminine and using the feeling messages and it has really created quite a bit of chemistry between us. Before he left, he asked me if he could hug me and we had one hug, then he smiled at me and said “Quality is what we got”, referring to our ability to connect with each other and hugged me again, pretty long and slow and sweet. Then we talked on email for a few days and I felt that space would help us both energetically, since I can’t stop wanting him and it was SO much worse, after he left, I felt so MELTED…so I told him that and he said he had to figure out what he was doing with his girlfriend. And I have not heard from him since, but I see him all the time, since his office is right across the street from my apt, but I am just leaning back and not contacting him. I miss him though.
    So I wonder if I should have made such strong boundaries, because I have not had any contact with him.
    I will keep repeating the mantra…..
    I feel like that is a good boundary, to respect how turned on I get when we talk and look in each other’s eyes and then so frustrated that we aren’t together….
    I am going on a date with a CD next Saturday and talked to him on the phone and it was a good distraction.
    I know I am working through a lot of free therapy with him around really confusing messages, my dad was totally confusing and had zero boundaries….
    When I do the psychic scan on him, which means visualizing him in front of me in a bubble and then calling in a relationship angel above him, then asking the angel to draw on an imaginary easel pad either a heart if he is a good match for me or an X, she draws a HUGE heart….and believe it or not, I do clairvoyant readings and so I was trading readings with one of my friends and she said he was getting ready to step towards me….and I see this also…..
    Thanks for giving me the space to process these feelings you sweet women and understanding me and just even reading through this super long post….it feels so good to express this and know that it is being heard…
    Thank-you for helping me feel included and part of this board and thank-you for sharing your processes, it feels so incredibly enlightening to read your posts….
    Liz



  381.  #381Mel on December 3, 2011 at 5:34 am

    Sweetpea et al,

    It’s funny how you keep bringing up the running analogy. Because when I start to feel these anxious feelings I actually grab my running shoes and jump on the treadmill for 45 minutes. I was reading somewhere recently that anxiety causes a similar “fight or flight” chemical response that we would get when in danger. So it makes sense that my body (and yours) just want to get the h*ll outta there!

    So I didn’t sleep well last night… and I’ve been resisting the urge to contact him and just unleash my feelings. I figured it would be good to wait until the AM and when I have a clearer head.

    Basically, I’ve been feeling like I’m getting forgotten in the busyness of his life. (this next bit sounds harsh… but it’s what I’m feeling…) I’m feeling like a convenient f*uck. I’m perfectly happy to take things slow. It’s not that I want to RUSH things at all… but I don’t want to feel like I’m waiting around for ANYBODY to decide how they want me in their life. Perhaps he can’t have me all to himself. Maybe I should accept very casual dates again… I don’t know… this doesn’t “feel” right either.

    I KNOW what I want. I want a real relationship, not a secret one. It is important to me that the person I’m with be a part of my WHOLE life (and me a part of his). I hate that I haven’t seen him for a whole week and I really, really miss him. 🙁 Hmmm…..saying that last bit made me realize something…

    I’m wondering if I’m just trying to sabotage a good thing here. Putting on the symbolic running shoes when no problem really exists. I know he’s crazy about me… I guess it’s really not about the kids at all, is it? It’s about me wanting to be cuddled, kissed and smiled at on a regular basis. And they seem like a barrier to me getting more of that.

    There’s GOT to be a good solution. A way for him not to feel pressured around the kids, but with me not feeling neglected either.

    Can anyone help me with some feeling messages for this? I don’t feel urgency about it… but the feelings not going away, so that tells me that I need to speak my truth.



  382.  #382Daria on December 3, 2011 at 5:36 am

    Oh I just had a cOnvo

    This guy was impressed that I don’t believe in money. He thought that was ‘smart’ and different.

    And he liked my plan to live in brazil.

    And he went from asking for a massage to talking how he would give me oune.

    And then he was upset I wouldn’t call him and I felt bad and I said I would feel sad not to talk to him and what should we do

    I said can we go back to the part where we were making it easy for me cuz I felt good with that.

    He said yeah and that HE would call me and that I’m something else not regular and I’m turning him on.

    Yay I feel good.

    Then he said that he’s been waiting for someone like me.

    Then I said when u gonna see me no pressure I don’t like to talk to someone long without meeting them no pressure lol I kno that’s he’ll a pressure

    Hr got it and said oh he gets I just want to see him

    Hehe yeah

    Awww

    I feel good at this convo.

    While I was feeling triggered xuz he asked to go first and I an mad at earlier cd for that.



  383.  #383Daria on December 3, 2011 at 5:37 am

    But then I felt good and left first



  384.  #384Daria on December 3, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Liz feels super inspiring how you’re respecting how turned in you get and not hiding it. Wow thank you for sharing that’s like a next level for me
    To not hide it esp in public semi-public situations – not pretend



  385.  #385Daria on December 3, 2011 at 5:45 am

    I want to respect how turned on I get when we talk and look into each others eyes and touch and then so frustrated that we aren’t together.

    Frustrated that we’re not ….. ?



  386.  #386Daria on December 3, 2011 at 5:45 am

    Frustrated that I dont feel like a priority



  387.  #387Mel on December 3, 2011 at 5:48 am

    372: Daria…

    OMG are you in my brain? LOL



  388.  #388Mel on December 3, 2011 at 6:12 am

    help?



  389.  #389Mel on December 3, 2011 at 6:19 am

    Does anyone have a link to or a cut-and-paste of the “I’m just a girl…” speech? I think that’s soret of alon the lines of how I need to express this.



  390.  #390Butterfly wings on December 3, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Hmmm Mel… Have you expressed to him how much you miss him while you’re apart? I know you can’t say it in those words, but if he understands how bad that time apart feels to you then that could be a good thing?? xxx



  391.  #391Butterfly wings on December 3, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Argh!!! I was having another great night with TH and now it’s cr@p. 🙁

    We had a disagreement on the way home and he told me to “shut up”. I was not happy and told him that felt bad and that instead of saying that it would have felt better to say we should just agree to disagree.

    But now I’m upset, he’s being horrible and I’m just totally over it. Last night was do wonderful and I can’t believe how it’s turned out. Why????? Is this just the Universe telling me I can do better? That he’s not for me??

    S was texting me earlier to say he wanted to catch up. I should have met up with him. I’m sure I would have had a better outcome with him… So I’ve just texted him to say I’m free tomorrow. TH can go and get f*cked… 🙁



  392.  #392Mel on December 3, 2011 at 6:38 am

    I feel lost in the shuffle… (is that a feeling?)

    I feel needy… (can I say that?)

    I feel unimportant (somehow that seems blamey…)

    I feel forgotten.

    I feel let-down (again… kinda blamey).

    I feel sad.

    I feel disappointed.

    I feel like running.



  393.  #393Mel on December 3, 2011 at 6:40 am

    Hugs Butterfly Wings!

    Re: 377
    I feel scared to tell him how much I miss him because I don’t want to be needy. I’m such an independent person… I don’;t even want to admit that I NEED anybody. But I do!



  394.  #394Lizka on December 3, 2011 at 6:41 am

    Good morning Siren Island!

    I am waking up thinkin that I don’t know what to do. I know I am not suppose to DO something, and maybe this is my answer…

    But E asked my to text him today so we can plan a date for tonight. I don’t feel comfortable doing that but I just replied “ok”. Argggg!

    I want to see him and if I don’t call him and we don’t meet tonight, it’s gonna be the 3rd time in a row that I kind of cancel a date with him… He’s most probably gonna find that I am not very open and warm… no?

    Maybe I can just text him a simple “Good morning!” and see if he than make plan for our date and i he doesn’t, I’ll just make my own plans?

    Wht do you think? Any other suggestions?



  395.  #395Lizka on December 3, 2011 at 6:47 am

    378 BW

    Hi!! Happy to see you here, been a few days! No? I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how things go with TH.. I read your Post about the great date amd I was feelimg happy for you… And than the last one and I feel so sorry.

    I want to hug you. 🙂

    I think going on a date with S is a wonderful idea. Will help you to feel better and to focus on yourself. And my own personal opinion is that if TH is acting assh*le, he doesn’t deserve your exclusivity anyway. Sorry for the harsh and judgamental word, I should have say “if he’s not treating you like a siren”.



  396.  #396Liz on December 3, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Mel,
    I empathize with you your plight. You want to see him more, but don’t want to be needy.
    Can you visualize a gauge in your mind’s eye? Sometimes I use a gauge exercise to tell me if I am working an issue that is present or past time….
    Otherwise, it feels like sinking down to your knees and really feeling what it is you are feeling will help clarify this issue for you.
    I like your idea of saying I am just a girl here and I don’t want a week to go by without being touched or whatever it is that you are craving from him…..not that I am an expert by any means, but it seems like you feel uncomfortable with the long intervals and would like just to hear where he is at with it all….
    best,
    liz



  397.  #397Liz on December 3, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Daria,
    Thanks for your feedback, it feels validating to know that inspired you.
    He wanted to know what I was feeling when I was turned on and so I told him that I felt so much warmth and opening in my heart and that I felt like I could just totally melt and then he put his hand to his heart and said he was going to treasure this conversation and that he was feeling aroused now too.
    It is just so hard for me because his office is right across the street from me and I have so much cleaning to do and I really should stay home and clean and get ready for christmas, but I see his office and want him….
    I need to meditate and pray and ask the universe to help me get over him or get us together…..
    thanks for listening



  398.  #398Mel on December 3, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Ok… I expressed my feelings. I feel good about what I said. It feels authentic and non-blamey to me. I feel vulnerable exposing my “underbelly,” but my heart wants what it wants and I need a man that can give that to me. It’s curious, because when I hit “send” I had this feeling like it doesn’t really matter what the outcome is. Of course I’ll be sad if he bolts, knowing that I am just a girl with very real needs. But if that happens, it means he’s not for me. I feel at peace with that. I want a real relationship and my valuable self will not settle.



  399.  #399Lizka on December 3, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Oh! C.A-CD texting me to go for a walk and a coffee tomorrow afternoon! And DjCD called and texted me many times last night when I was already sleeping! And E who wants to see me too. And S who said “if the feeling stays maybe we can do it again”…

    Yay!

    By the begining of last week I was complaining and thinking that I had to find some new CDs and now I can’t find time to fit them all in my schedule!

    I am a little busy siren and I love it!!



  400.  #400LILI 41 on December 3, 2011 at 8:01 am

    368:

    Mel, I wish I could help you.

    Men are either too fast or too slow.

    Do you feel disconnected? Do you feel a distance?

    In the Love Scripts program, I’ve something along the lines of “I don’t want to put pressure…I feel disconnected…I don’t want the kind of relationship where…”



  401.  #401tinque on December 3, 2011 at 8:07 am

    “When I do the psychic scan on him…calling in a relationship angel above him, then asking the angel to draw on an imaginary easel pad either a heart if he is a good match for me or an X, she draws a HUGE heart….”

    OMG I love this Liz…

    xxoo



  402.  #402LILI 41 on December 3, 2011 at 8:08 am

    I’m working on my own FM.

    I feel confused, like I’m hanging. I don’t want to feel that way.

    I’m having a hard time letting go of the past and seeing a new future w D.
    I’m having such a hard time trusting his intentions.
    I don’t know if any stepping up will erase the doubts I have about his intentions. 🙁

    Meanwhile I’m working hard on myself to learn how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way.



  403.  #403Mel on December 3, 2011 at 8:10 am

    I’ll keep you posted… I’m going to get dressed, pretty myself up and go for a hike. My “girl” likes to be in nature when she’s feeling things. It helps her to figure stuff out. I hope he isn’t scared-off by my feeling-ness, but even if he is, I’ll be okay. I’m freaking fantastic! 😉



  404.  #404LILI 41 on December 3, 2011 at 8:11 am

    385:

    Mel,
    do you mind me asking how you said it?
    I’m looking for inspiration.



  405.  #405tinque on December 3, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Mel – I don’t want to impose my thoughts when they haven’t been asked for, but here goes.

    You have not been dating this man for very long. Introducing a new woman into children’s lives is a BIG deal. If it doesn’t end up working out, having different women come and go is at best disruptive to a child’s life, and it can create much trauma as well if they become attached to you.

    It’s not that he’s not sure about you. It seems to me he is. He knows how he feels about you, but he also knows you are very recently out of a very long term relationship. He cannot be completely sure he isn’t a rebound.

    I don’t think he is this for you, but this is how things often go when just leaving a LTR.

    He too knows what I just said above.

    I understand you miss him, an you can tell him this. But everything else you have suggested saying to him feels like pressure to me. You don’t want to pressure hi to do anything he’s not quite ready for.

    Can you feel some compassion for him and his plight here? Can you feel patience for him and for you? Can you fin other ways to ease the void when you can’t see him? Absence can make the heart grow fonder after all, and I’m talking about him here.

    Please consider all of this before doing anything hastily.

    xxoo Dominique



  406.  #406mali on December 3, 2011 at 8:21 am

    Okay, so I had my first CD today, and I felt like twas so… BLAND.
    He was lovely, and treated me well, but there was no connection. It was like, a meal- paid for by a male friend. Does that make sense?
    He seemed like a sweetheart, but I felt bored and turned off. Maybe it’s the initial pleasantries- I’m not sure. BLEURGH.
    He said to me that he tends to get attached quite easily, and to just slap him or hit him if it get’s too much. Eww. Feeling really blamey and diva-like!
    Like literally, man up!



  407.  #407Mel on December 3, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Oh, I didn’t say anything about the kids Dominique. In my process here I’ve just realized that my feelings are really more about missing him a whole lot during our “off” weeks and the kids are just the barrier between us. There are lots of other solutions besides me meeting them that would solve that.

    Here is what I said. It’s already sent… so can’t really be tweaked at this point. It felt really authentic to me though, so I feel good about expressing how I did.
    ——-

    “I’m feeling a little lost in the shuffle. I’m feeling a little needy even. And I hate feeling needy because I like to think of myself as a very independent person and I hate to admit that I need anything. But I do. I’m just a girl, after all. And girls want to be kissed and cuddled and smiled at and talked to in real life…. and I’m feeling really disconnected right now. I don’t want to go a whole week without touches or laughing or communication or fun. And I’m kind of angry at myself for wanting this, because the logical part of me knows how busy you are (and how busy I am) and the last thing I want to be is needy or demanding. But meh. The girl in me will not respond to logic, despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise. She wants what she wants; she feels what she feels.

    No matter how many times I put on my running shoes or ballet slippers or distract myself, the feelings persist. So I’ve decided to feel them and express them and put them out into the universe. So there you have it. I miss you. Gak, I need you a bit even. I guess I’m not as independent as I thought. And somehow that feels a little like relief.

    I feel vulnerable even sending this… but I just felt like I had to listen to my heart today. I’m not sure how to solve this, because I know it’s complicated. There’s got to be some sort of solution though. What do you think?”

    ———-

    What do you think?



  408.  #408lk on December 3, 2011 at 8:27 am

    @Liz

    it is interesting… i had pretty much never had more than 2 dates before kissing before this… mostly men that i’ve dated kiss on the first date… but then they started waiting till the second date…. & now we’re on our 5th date! i hope it’s not scary & too fast to kiss if we do… weird that fast is what i’m afraid of.

    i’m interested that you do clairvoyant readings : )

    also, i feel inspired too with your openness about your feelings like that… i wonder what in the wide world would happen if i said to CDcd, “oh, yes, i do feel very txrned on by you, & actually very scared…..i feel scared about letting the energy between us flow in an easy way – no tangling – no losing this developing friendship to a lusty swallowing….. & i feel happy & excited that you build space for that to happen.”

    specifically, i’m remembering my friend that i accidentally dated super passionately for about 5 days haha. it felt so forced to be so close & have him hold my hand… he actually told me he loved me!?…. yeah…. like 2 weeks after meeting him! ok, that’s good at least to be reminded that it faded so fast…. & also…. ok, yes, whatever, no stress, good to remember, go get gear on.

    awww…. i’m still feeling txrned on & excited about last night… we got home at 2 & he still stayed another 40 min or so… & then when he was leaving, he said, ok, i want to put down all my things so i can hug you. & then after we hugged – there was a little slowness…. the idea of the kiss – i smiled at him, like, wow you really surprise me & thank you, i appreciate it : )

    ok lk go get ready.

    didn’t make it to yoga, but i do have a training session in 40 min : ) body feels good after all that dancing.



  409.  #409lk on December 3, 2011 at 8:34 am

    @Lizka

    this is a really late reaction to your FBstatus thing the other day haha…. but i was thinking how i feel at work. i’ve actually dated 3 men in a pretty small office…. so i feel like my coworkers think i’m a pr@stitute sometimes hahahhaha… um, yes, but when people say, oh do you have anything exciting this weekend, i’m usually like, yeah, i have a couple dates planned, you?

    & when people ask about men or overhear something or whatever, i just say, “oh, yes, I have about 9 boyfriends — that way, i never have to wait for any of them to call : )” & just smile, real sweet : ) & another REALLY good line to use on some when they ask a question: “why? do you know someone you think would like to take me on a date?” — that’s perfect, because it’s more old-fashioned courtship ideas, actually more traditional in ways & it gives you a chance for them to suddenly realize that their cousin or nephew or neighbor is actually your future husband haha



  410.  #410lk on December 3, 2011 at 8:37 am

    this is so weird, but since CD messaged me, i literally get ZERO messages on okcupid. is that normal? like do those services all drive a major traffic load when you’re new & then kind of “dump” you? i used to get tons of messages & now i’m not joking i get zero.



  411.  #411tenny on December 3, 2011 at 8:40 am

    BOUNDARY

    I need attraction. That’s my boundary with these CDs. If there is no attraction, it’s not going anywhere. No real possibility, although I’ll keep them in rotation. I want attraction. I’ve got my passions going in life already – I want more now and I’m not attracted to these men.



  412.  #412VW on December 3, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Mel:

    That is just BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I love it darling!

    wow…i felt it deeply! Thank you 🙂

    warm hugs,



  413.  #413Lizka on December 3, 2011 at 8:52 am

    396 lk

    Thank you for your feedback on this one. I love tge lines and copy paste them in my phone.

    I dated one guy in my small office (the famous P) and then very secretly (can we say that “secretly” in English?) had an affair with one other guy who’s getting married soon. Oops… But no one officialy knows, but some felt something I guess… And now there is this hum… “not-so-hot” dude (not to be mean) who’s into me and keeps asking me out for breakfast and movies. And also this story with this client who send me passionate messages and want to go out for lunch (with no one else) “because he has something to tell me”… I think people think I am an attention wh*re wich I know I am not since I did nothing AT ALL to attract the married man, the not hot guy and the cliend. It just happened!!

    Plus I am also one of the youngest at the office, use to work in a bar as a bartender and I still like to go out sometimes. I think they just think I am a party girl and don’t take me very seriously…

    Thats bad and I shouldn’t but I still feel affected by that. Trying to work something out so they stop thinking I am a easy girl. Aurora girl said something the other day like “stoping to use the word date”. From now on, I am seeing friends or going out for a drink. Will not use the word date in front of them.

    I think I might also stop using the word vodka… Hehe



  414.  #414Mel on December 3, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Awwwwww! just got a sweet, sweet reply back from him. He really is a great guy! 🙂



  415.  #415Lizka on December 3, 2011 at 8:54 am

    And PS I love myself anyhow and I love being a party girl! 🙂



  416.  #416Mel on December 3, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Thanks VW! Just saying exactly what I’m feeling… even if it’s messy or complicated or doesn’t make sense feels good. And I’ve really realized that when I feel anger (especially) it is almost always me feeling angry at myself. And expressing this is a great way for me to take responsibility. In 95% of circumstances, MY anger isn’t actually anyone else’s fault.



  417.  #417VW on December 3, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Gosh, I felt a bit triggered by Dominique’s comment to Mel … about being too early to introduce someone into your children’s life…

    Sigh…

    Its been 9 years since my divorce…my son is now 12…

    I didn’t date for the first 2 1/2 years at all…for various reasons…and then I started dating…yet, I kept my son away from the interaction with all men for the first 2 years…till, I realized he was a key element in my compatibility with a man…

    Anyway, i used to beat myself up for introducing my son and then not working out between me and the guy…and yes, I can’t speak for nobody else, but myself…and each case is different…

    But beating ourselves up with guilt and shame is exactly what we must not do…

    My son wants me to date…and go out…he tells me often “mom, i want you to be happy…” and boy he sure knows when i feel happy …

    I trust being a healthy woman in mind, body and spirit…and healing more from each experience…

    Our children want us to feel happy, joyful …like they are…they appreciate our honesty when we do mess up…they watch us how we interact with the other adult…so, keeping someone you like at arms length and have time table to introduce them to u kids…feels bad…judgmental (assuming i am not capable to make good decisions)…

    and so what if it does not work out? We learn to appreciate the experience and gracefully move on…and so are our children…



  418.  #418Laughing Goddess on December 3, 2011 at 9:17 am

    Mel: I feel curious about what ever happened with Sexy Sarcastic? I remember you mentioning that he ask you out.

    I think I missed reading a whole block of posts so you may have mentioned it there.

    I was thinking that it migh be a good idea to give him a chance, esp. if you are feeling impatient with the architect.

    Also, I remember that you were hesitant to go out with the architect after your initial encounter and that worked out well.

    Also, I’m remembering that I had a similar situation with my sweetie when we first started dating where we had an amazing time and then he disappeared for a month or two. During that time he went through this whole internal process of not being sure about us, dating other women, and then realizing that he missed me which gave him the sense that I was the one.

    When he showed back up, he was totally ready to commit and move forward and I was so confused because he had poofed. But he just kept pursuing.

    Soooo, I just have this feeling that something similar might be going on with SS.

    What do you think/feel?



  419.  #419VW on December 3, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Overall, it is how we carry and/or move on from an experience that is the determining factor of how our children would model and benefit from the whole interaction…



  420.  #420Mel on December 3, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I felt a little triggered by it too VW….

    But mostly because I didn’t feel understood. I know how big of a deal it is to introduce someone to children. For him especially.

    But what I was expressing here this morning was my frustration with the fact that that means we have to go for periods of long absence.

    I am totally willing to be patient and go with the flow on this… but I didn’t want to feel sad and needy every other week in the interim. That’s what I felt needed expressing, and I think i managed to do quite well.



  421.  #421VW on December 3, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Mel,

    i think you did a great job…you honor your feelings, thus your truth…you are an amazing woman…that any child would benefit from meeting you…even if is just one time…

    we have the power to have an awesome, amazing impact on a young child life…as healthy adult women…and unfortunately, not many are at this time…but, as a Rori Raye graduate, you sooo are my darling!

    warm hugs



  422.  #422Mel on December 3, 2011 at 9:27 am

    LG,

    I don’t know how I feel about SS. He asked me out for ribs (lol) but I had ballet class, so declined. Last night he was texting me a bit after his game and we were chatting about running. He’s a big runner and I have just started training for a 10k, so I was asking him some questions. I’m already up to 6k BTW… yay me! I told him I would be open to another invite though, so we’ll see. If he asks and I’m available, I think I’ll go. It can just be super casual and I’ll see how it feels.

    Architect did the same thing though… said he wasn’t interested… regretted it and then came into my life (by fluke) a month later.

    I guess it takes guys a month to realize how fantabulous I am! 😉 LOL



  423.  #423Laughing Goddess on December 3, 2011 at 9:34 am

    ((((VW))))



  424.  #424Laughing Goddess on December 3, 2011 at 9:36 am

    406: VW says:

    Overall, it is how we carry and/or move on from an experience that is the determining factor of how our children would model and benefit from the whole interaction…

    Saturday, 3 December 2011 @ 9:18am

    Agreed!



  425.  #425VW on December 3, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Aww…hugs back at you my darling “Laughing Goddess” 🙂



  426.  #426Mel on December 3, 2011 at 9:40 am

    “I am flattered that you are feeling needy of my attention as well as sorry that I have been unable to provide as much as I would like.

    I am glad that you are comfortable to talk to me about what bothers you. You should never feel that there is any danger in doing this ; ) I would like to put your mind at ease as well as propose a fix to the malaise that I must admit you are not alone in feeling… I will suggest a visit this evening if you are willing, which will include many hugs, snuggles and kisses…

    I hope you are having a beautiful relaxing day and that getting my message helps you to feel better.”

    What a sweetie-pie! 🙂 🙂 🙂



  427.  #427Laughing Goddess on December 3, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Ok, I feel a bit embarrassed to share this story. He just told it to me recently and I felt very amused by it though, so I’m gonna share.

    He told me that the way that he knew that I was the one was during that month or so that we were apart is he had gone out with a woman and she was really attractive but he wasn’t feeling connected to her. And nothing sexual happened between them. But when he got home, he was feeling horny and started touching himself and he said all he could think of was me. And that’s when he knew.

    Which feels really funny to me. And I’m glad he didn’t tell me that story sooner because I maybe would have felt offended.

    But now after being with him for a while and seeing how great he treats me, I find it really amusing.

    Still feeling a little embarrassed though.