Are You A Sex Magnet Instead of a Man Magnet? What to Do…

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I know not all of us feel this way: I remember feeling for most of my life that a man was doing me a favor by having sex with me…whoa – (so you know if I could turn that around, so can you…!) – but many of us have the sense that men are around us only because they want sex. This is all we sense, this is the label we put on men, this is the label we put on ourselves: “ooooo…I only attract men who want to get laid…they don’t care at all about me or even want to know me…”

If you’ve ever experienced this…here’s a letter that will get us started to a great new perspective: “I am dazzlingly sexy, so of course any decent man I would even consider spending time with absolutely is craving having sex with me – but NOT just because I’m a body – because I’m ME – dazzlingly sexy me!”

And for those of us who’ve been molested or physically attacked or raped – the fallout is in our bodies’ reactions to sex and love.

“Dear Rori

I can’t wait to get the copy of The Modern Siren Program I just ordered because I love your approach on relationships and women’s issues therein but in the meantime I would love if you could help me with an issue.

I am a 34 year old single mom and I have been dating for the past 6 years. My relationships have never developed past the point of a casual “dating/friendship” rarely involving sex but a few of them have. They never seem to go deeper and they certainly never go anywhere if I tell the man I’m dating that I like to wait a bit to have sex, so that we can get to know each other.

I consider myself to be attractive and am frequently told I am. I am especially told by men that I am sexy. I have been attractive to men since I was a girl and got undesired attention and was consequently molested on several occasions by different people and eventually raped as an adolescent. I have spent time working on those traumas and feel as though I have resolved many issues but lately I’m feeling completely objectified by men. As though they can’t see me as a person with real feelings who deserves to be respected but view me as some sex kitten. I also fear that I am subconsciously attracting this type of attention/man or being hypersensitive to their reactions to me.

They frequently elude to sex prematurely (after the 1st date) and often disappear when I mention I like to take time to get to know someone before sex. Its as though they are shocked that I would suggest such a thing. I was even told by a man after a date with him tonight that I was throwing seductive glances at him. I swear I was doing nothing other than listen attentively to what he was saying and smile!
How do I stop this and if the case is that I’m attracting this type of man based on my history how can I change it?

Please help, I just want to meet someone who loves and respects me as a person and would never hurt me by treating me like a plaything.

Sincerely, Angela”

Here’s my answer:

Angela, what you are describing actually has nothing to do with sex. The oddest thing that happens after being physically assaulted — especially sexually assaulted (after I was sexually assaulted myself I became a crisis counselor)– is that we begin to objectify ourselves.  we have so many feelings, so much guilt, shame, rage, and those powerful feelings are so frightening for us that we tend to fold into ourselves and shut down. We may shy away from actually having sex with someone, but in almost a direct conflict with what you would think we feel, we become more “sexual” out in the world. It’s very odd and it doesn’t make sense.

A similar thing happens with girls whose parents are not sexual with each other. It’s as though those girls take on the sexuality that is missing in the household and become very unnaturally sexual at a very early age. These girls start experimenting with sex and having boyfriends very young, and if they don’t have mothers who can help them with this, they’ll become sexually “precocious” and even promiscuous.

It’s as though we “act out” what’s missing in our environment. And, after a sexual assault — because we make it in our minds about sex (and it’s not about sex at all — it’s about power) as a kind of reaction, and a response to our instinct to shut down, and in almost a revengeful sort of way, subconsciously we start to give off sexual “vibes.”

I can’t prove this through data or by showing you articles but I know that I experienced it myself and I saw others that I was helping experience it too. In a way, feeling sexy and putting sexual vibes out there sort of makes you feel normal. It’s like saying this will not get me down.

And that’s a good thing!

Now, about the sex and men part: It’s always about sex.

Whether a man is turned on by your personality or your looks or your body or your fabulous brain — he’s turned on. And being turned on for a man is centered right in his penis. I don’t care what anybody says about it, or if what he says if you tell him what I just said — it’s the truth. How ever…

The important thing here is not that it’s about sex — but what sex means to him. As opposed to what it means to you. Or what you think it means to him. It’s — if I’m saying a man is supposed to be attracted to you and feel it in his groin — does that mean that he’s objectifying you?

Or is that your interpretation of him being turned on? Do you want a man to be sexually neutral until you decide you’re okay feeling sexual around him? Do you want him to be like a girl? Like a girlfriend?

Well, we may wish he was until we get our bearings around him. But that’s never going to happen. And believe me — you don’t want that to happen.

The problem here is not that a man is objectifying you — it’s that you are objectifying you. You have decided somewhere in the back of your brain and your subconscious and in your training and habits and experiences — that you are a sex object. And then, you’ve attracted in men whose behavior has intensified that opinion.

The cure here for you is Circular Dating. And not because I want you to date a lot of men, but because I want you to heal. Circular Dating is about learning about men and how you are with men. And that’s what needs to happen. You need to get yourself in the presence of men who are kind and nice and generous and turned on by you — and who also can help you get used to feeling self-possessed and good around a man who is turned on by you. You need an opportunity to learn how to start to feel comfortable around men who are turned on around you.

You need to find out what it is that’s going on in your brain that’s telling you that you’re only good for sex — and so that’s what you’re putting out there. I know it sounds wrong to say that this is an idea YOU are coming up with, but that’s the way it works. It’s all about interpretation.

I wish you all the love in the world, and all the healing of the world… and please keep in touch with us so that we can follow your progress through this part of your life.

Love, Rori

304 Comments

  1.  #1Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 7:58 am

    Thanks, Amber. Yahoo!

    SLV



  2.  #2Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 8:18 am

    My goodness what a contraversial topic/suggestion. A real opener for me to become curious about and really look at myself and how I am a being. I remember from very early on being so offended by any guy who called me “sexy” because I felt it was objectifying me. I hated being thought of in that way. Wow, a real eye opener.

    Thank you Rori.



  3.  #3Brenda on December 20, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Rori,

    I appreciate and agree with everything you said here. My huge concern, which only grows huger as my friends here and I CD, is that there are SO MANY scummy men out there! If they are sexually-centered, fine.

    But it seems most of the men out there are sexual PREDATORS! To put myself out there on the internet for dating is to immediately need to defend myself!

    I wish I could just focus on your dating skills, but I feel so vulnerable, and I must focus on self-defense skills first.

    For example, as an experiment, I posted a very simple ad on CL (craigslist): “Just Coffee? Well-padded BBW”. Even tho I said NOTHING about sex, one man wrote, “Are you dominant?” I wrote, “No, are you?” I didn’t have an issue with that, because it refers to personality types, as well as sexual stuff. And it wasn’t rude.

    But then he went straight into, “Are you hairy down there?” I am so fed up with men treating me and my friends on here disrespectfully like this. We were NOT having a sexual conversation and were not operating from a sexual post.

    I am so completely turned off by all the jerks out there that now I feel shut down yet again and am having a hard time getting myself to respond to the others who responded to my post.

    I feel frustrated feeling like I’m one step from rape all the time as I date, to the point where I’m barely able to practice your tools! I feel myself hardening toward men until just looking at a man, I want to kick him in the teeth.

    I mean, this is not one isolated incident. Maybe we need more tools to simply screen men. The best one I’ve found is to turn down sex until the relationship has grown and I have a ring. It sifts out a whole lot of men fast, because I am finding that most of them JUST want sex.

    If being a sex object is in my head, fine. But men sure give us a lot of reason to believe that they, too, objectify us. What do you all think?



  4.  #4Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Brenda

    What I have been doing is CDing the guys at work and at church. Right now I don’t give a flick if they step up because I am focussing on learning about myself in as much as I am ready for marriage. I put that out there to see how they respond. I put out there that I only give back when one recently indicated that I can take out a guy on a date. I was shocked yesterday when he came hanging around me. Last week I got an unexpected invitation to a Christmas party via text and did not call to confirm, just a text back saying thank you. Another guy I have not heard from in a long time called on Friday saying “lonely won’t leave me alone”. I was shocked to say the least. There is another one that has been consistently stepping up but there is an ex that is a psycho and I can’t see myself dealing with her on a permanent basis. She is still there because she has a son for him. I know not everyone might be blessed enough to have as many men in their environment as I do but I find focussing on myself is really helping me. I am so confident that I am going to get what I want in my personal and professional that I have naturally been relaxing and am happier. I have registered for online dating but I have not followed through because I am not comfortable with him. However, I flirt on the street, at my kids school even with guys who are not paying attention to me and it seems they feel my vibe and turn around. My mentality is to try to see what results I will get from the Rori’s tools I know. I am so ready to get married that the guy I was really interested in when he brought up marriage “the grumbling” in October I felt so happy and confident because I had already told him it is no longer a matter of “if” but a matter of “when” and I really don’t care anymore if it is not him. I feel happy with my life and I tell myself I will give any good man to opportunity to step up. I find it scary but I am experimenting just to see if what Rori teaches actually works and I am finding it does. I have bonded so deeply with a guy here in the office that it is sometimes frightening but the good thing is that he is married. He shares stuff he does not share with his wife to open his heart and there is not suggestion or indication of wanting a relationship. I just use our interacting as a testing ground for the Rori concepts and to learn about guys and myself. It is great to do it without any pressure. My point here is to take heart, never give up hope and to look for other avenues to practice. I would also recommend looking at what your intention is to the point of letting go of any expected outcome. These guys might even be doing this to see who will be easy. They could have experience from the internet where they have an easy lay or might be weeding out girls who are easy because ultimately they don’t want to get disease. It might be fun to throw back a question to ask them if they are normally predators or have a disease they want to spread, of course in a teasing manner. You might be shocked at what you find out. Remember guys are honest and will tell you anything in the beginning.



  5.  #5Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Just read my comment and realize referring to the ex as a psycho was judgemental. While I agree I should not do that I feel a need to explain that she has physically attacked him sevaral times in public as well as attacked another girl he was dating. I personally witnessed two incidents. In addition she recently tried to embarrass me at a pool party in public because she saw me at a table where he joined in a domino game. I thought it was psychotic because I was at the table with other people for over an hour before he joined in the game.



  6.  #6Lucy on December 20, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Brenda, I don’t seem to have that problem for the most part. I suspect that if I were a man, an ad saying “well-padded” would feel sexual to me. What do you think?



  7.  #7Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 9:58 am

    @ 3: Brenda

    There are a lot of sexually explicit ads on CL; I’m thinking many guys think they all are! 😳 Cringe… You told me about the guys who don’t seem to know what “platonic” means either!

    I expect CL to be a challenge and I’m learning all I can beforehand [Operation Basketball for me] to make it work. I appreciate your sharing.

    How often do you run CL ads? Do you use the same ad, rotate, or an original ad each time?

    I still think it’s worth a shot. I plan to do it “on auto pilot” — decide when to start, do it for a period of time, run ads without thinking about the bad results, throw those out. I know easier said than done, because reading stuff like that addressed to me would be “yucky…”

    Thanks, Brenda.

    SLV



  8.  #8Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 10:05 am

    @6: Lucy says:
    “…an ad saying “well-padded” would feel sexual to me. What do you think?..”

    I see what you mean Lucy. I thought those words could give a wrong clue but only to those already so inclined…but guess Rori is saying all guys are so inclined… 😆

    I have the idea that Brenda was only giving a polite description and that guy just grabbed it and ran.

    Lucy, same questions to you: How often do you run CL ads? Do you use the same ad, rotate, or an original ad each time?

    Thanks.

    SLV
    would-be wannabe CL newbie 😀



  9.  #9Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Sirens
    I am reading and re reading this post to completely grasp it.
    Hope all of you are doing fine.
    I am feeling fed up today.
    I feel I am attracting and getting attracted to all wrong men.
    X came to me saying “I know I hurt you. I dont want to say more things and hurt you more. I will act and make up for it. Please trust me once again”. We had a coffee together. I am feeling very cold and shut down. 🙁
    He said he wants to meet me agian and whether I would like to go out with him because he wants to buy me a gift. I do not feel excited about that either.

    Chocolate man keeps talking to me. Even my friends are noticing he is spending more time than required with me and have started asking me “whats happening?”. But he talks only about himself. He is cocky and snappy and I am skeptical towards his behavior!!! 🙁 🙁

    Where are the good men on this earth?????
    Meemee



  10.  #10Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I like it when I am being myself. I like it when I am a whole in myself.
    I love myself with or without men!!!!
    Meemee



  11.  #11Lucy on December 20, 2010 at 10:11 am

    well-padded focuses on her body, makes a man think “yum” if he likes well-padded. i don’t use cl – just pof and match.



  12.  #12Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 10:16 am

    @4: Femininewoman says:
    ” It might be fun to throw back a question to ask them if they are normally predators or have a disease they want to spread, of course in a teasing manner. You might be shocked at what you find out. Remember guys are honest and will tell you anything in the beginning…”

    I’m starting a “Feeling Messages & Convo” file. I’m now starting a CL file and adding this idea to it.

    SLV



  13.  #13Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Can there be any reason why I attract men for wrong reasons, I wonder!!!
    Meemee



  14.  #14Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 10:25 am

    @13: Meemee says:
    “Can there be any reason why I attract men for wrong reasons, I wonder!!! Meemee”

    Attracting men is not the problem. Accepting them could be a problem. You are still accepting Mr. X and the little he offers you. I wonder why you do that!!!

    SLV



  15.  #15Leo on December 20, 2010 at 10:31 am

    @ Meemee –

    I have to agree with SLV…
    I feel sad that you still do things that make you feel yucky.
    So many times he hurt you. And he even knows that “Please trust me once AGAIN”.
    How many times are you going to do this again and again?
    I think of him as a dog: What you teach him is “I can hurt her…”crawl” back and she forgives me anyways”

    You dont feel happy about him wanting to give a gift to you: then RUN!!!!!!!!
    Please, meemee…
    Just do the things that make you feel GREAT!



  16.  #16Appe Jacks on December 20, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Ah LOVE this post. It’s all in the way I interprate things. Does not mean that he is or is not objectifying me. Once I grasped this concept for myself, literally the whole entire world changed for me and all for the better.

    Yummy yummy post. Thank you Rori!



  17.  #17Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 10:42 am

    SLV and Leo
    Thanks.
    I feel fear today. Lots of fear and anxiety and fear again.
    I dont know why.
    Meemee



  18.  #18Ella on December 20, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Brenda re 3,

    Wow, I feel shocked to hear of your experiences of men!

    I have had very different experiences of dating sites. There has been the odd overtly sexual man I have encountered but generally just genuine people looking for a partner.

    And the odd ones who have been too sexual too quick have been easily dealt with using feeling messages.

    What is ‘BBW’ by the way?

    It is interesting and feels a little sad to hear that you feel so defensive around men, but great to hear your anger coming up to be healed, and I had to smile when I read that you want to just kick them in the teeth sometimes, cus I can relate to that when I get angry at a man.

    Aww, I feel like poor, clueless men!

    Brenda why do you think you have such a strong reaction about this? Just feeling curious to understand, how are you about sex? Do you have any hang ups about it and do you accept or judge the sexual part of you?

    Could be great practice doing baby steps to heal your feelings towards men with this issue while remaining open to them, and holding your boundaries…

    And maybe a chance to explore your defensive, angry feelings.

    What do you think?



  19.  #19Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 10:51 am

    X behaves in a completely different way. He calls. I dont pick his calls. He texts asking saying good night and stuff. He is coming to me with promises of a good behavior and good future.
    I dont know how to deal with this.
    Also I am quitting job nex month. So I am pressurized to meet deadlines and lots of work related pressures too.
    I am so afraid.
    I feel numb also 🙁 🙁 🙁
    Meemee



  20.  #20Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 10:51 am

    @Ella

    I’ve always translated “BBW” to mean: big, beautiful woman.

    SLV



  21.  #21Leo on December 20, 2010 at 10:55 am

    @ Meemee-

    I try not to judge.

    I think I can understand you feelings of fear.
    I would feel fear of getting hurt again by this man. I would feel fear of feeling shity after he did something bad to me. I would feel fear of being in my head after he treated me bad again.

    I would neither want to get hurt again, or feel shity or feel too much in my head.

    What do you think/feel?

    I love it when I feel fear. I love feeling it soo much. Fear is such a strong feeling with sooo many messages to tell.



  22.  #22Leo on December 20, 2010 at 10:59 am

    @ meemee 18 –

    of course he does all those things – you lean back. So of course he does that.
    As you dont pick up when he calls…I would think you dont want him to call you and talk to you!

    I know its important to forgive and not to judge.
    But I wouldnt want to start a relationship with a man who hurt me soo bad!!
    I could never forget. I wouldnt want forget about this.

    And I would feel bad when I dont stick to my boundaries.



  23.  #23Leo on December 20, 2010 at 11:01 am

    I hope you understand that I wrote my comments in this “me-pattern”. Its just easier to write for me this way.
    And I wanted you to know how I would feel in your situation for I dont want to tell you what you should feel or do.
    It’s your choice! It always is! But please dont forget that you have this choice- the choice of saying no to him!



  24.  #24Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Leo
    Thanks. I feel so relieved after reading your post.
    Yeah. I feel fear for all those reasons.
    X said it again and again that he will not hurt me again. That makes me feel all the more fear!!!
    Is it about forgiving him? I do not know. Can I forgive him and not have him in my life? Can I not forgive him and keep those feelings and bad memories with me?
    I feel so so certain that I dont want to have sex with him. I feel he wants it from me.
    Meemee



  25.  #25Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 11:04 am

    18: Meemee says:
    “He is coming to me with promises of a good behavior and good future.”

    I strongly suspect that his idea of a “good future” for you is not the same as your idea of a good future for you. But that is for you to judge. It is important that you judge well.

    Are you planning to get another job or focus mainly on your studies? Best wishes for getting everything finished up where you are.

    SLV



  26.  #26Jas on December 20, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Meemee #13 – “can there be any reason why I attract the wrong men” Meemee, I used to think the same way too, that I was “attracting” the wrong men and that something must be inherently wrong with me. That is not true! And that kind of thinking only serves to lower your self esteem and causes you to subconsiously seek to prove yourself right by continuing the same behavior patterns. The reality is we are ACCEPTING the wrong men NOT attracting them. Once I read Rori and Evan Marc Katz’s articles on this topic it made soo much sense. Here are the links to the articles..hope it helps:
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-attracting-the-wrong-men-isnt-the-real-problem/

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/why-he-disappeared-do-you-accept-the-wrong-men/



  27.  #27Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Exactly!!! I was thinking of the “forgiving”element.
    That is so much there.
    I wanted him so much in my life. Now he says he wants me too, though I am not sure how much I can trust him.
    I feel I am reminded of all those bad things whenever I am with him, whenever I see him.
    That is a trigger. That does not go away.
    Meemee



  28.  #28Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:09 am

    SLV.
    I am not planning to take up a job soon. I have this fellowhip for a year. So I am thinking of completing my PhD as fast as I can.
    I am feeling happy at the idea of quitting this job. I feel so tremendously happy.
    Meemee



  29.  #29Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 11:10 am

    23: Meemee says:
    “X said it again and again that he will not hurt me again. That makes me feel all the more fear!!!”

    Is it true? Has your hurting gone away? I would trust my feelings of fear.

    I suspect Mr X is manipulating you. I hope it’s not working…

    SLV



  30.  #30Leo on December 20, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Yes, a trigger.
    We have to work through them in order to get healed. But I wouldnt want to get triggered 24/7.
    That would not make me happy now – and thats what I want, be happy now and always!

    I hope you get your work done on time.
    And that everything will work out somehow for you and that you will be happy!

    You said, he is “trying” so hard…
    I still would feel mad at him for not respecting my boundaries …that I didnt want contact with him. That would make me feel so mad.



  31.  #31Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:14 am

    SLV
    “I suspect Mr X is manipulating you. I hope it’s not working”
    WOW!!! I liked it though it is not a pleasant idea 🙂 🙂

    I want my judgment capacities back!!! I wonder where they have gone!!
    But I am feeling happy about one thing- that I am not feeling excited about anything that he says!!!
    I dont know whether it is sheer numbness or something else. But I am relying on that non-feeling. 🙂
    Meemee



  32.  #32Leo on December 20, 2010 at 11:14 am

    @ SLV 27 –

    yes, manipulating was what I meant…
    If he doesnt respect your boundaries of not contacting you, and he does so anyways, he tries to manipulate you for his causes (whatever it is he wants).



  33.  #33Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 11:15 am

    26: Meemee says:

    “I am feeling happy at the idea of quitting this job. I feel so tremendously happy.|

    I am happy for you and fellowship. 😀 Stay strong and true to yourself.

    2011 is going to be a fabulous year!

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  34.  #34Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Thanks SLV and Leo
    Meemee



  35.  #35Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:20 am

    And Chocolate man was a good distraction. But he seems very very self centred. I see lots of red flags. So I feel reluctant to entertain him or his advances of friendship/whatever!!
    Meemee



  36.  #36Jas on December 20, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Meemee #13 – “can there be any reason why I attract the wrong men” Meemee, I used to think the same way too, that I was “attracting” the wrong men and that something must be inherently wrong with me. That is not true! And that kind of thinking only serves to lower your self esteem and causes you to subconsiously seek to prove yourself right by continuing the same behavior patterns. The reality is we are ACCEPTING the wrong men NOT attracting them. Once I read Rori and Evan Marc Katz’s articles on this topic it made soo much sense. Here are the links to the articles..hope it helps:
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/why-attracting-the-wrong-men-isnt-the-real-problem/

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/why-he-disappeared-do-you-accept-the-wrong-men/



  37.  #37Turtle Girl on December 20, 2010 at 11:41 am

    #13 MeeMee

    I know that for myself, when I attract or accept anything, whether that be men, business partner relationships, friends, whatever into my life. If they/it
    are for the “wrong reason” it is because my higher self is putting me into that situation in order to settle it/heal it. I attract anger to heal anger. I attract using people to heal being used. I attract those who discount my needs to learn to stand up for my needs. I attract what I need at the time. Always always there is a lesson needing learned/healed.

    I am grateful this day for all that I have, all that I have attracted, all that is before me from the universe. I am blessed this day.



  38.  #38Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 11:41 am

    @Meemee

    There are plenty of fish in the sea if Chocolate Man doesn’t suit you, or even if he does… 😀

    SLV



  39.  #39Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Meemee

    Two things came to mind reading what you wrote.

    First I find “saying I forgive myself” works for me. I forgive myself for all the times I allowed myself to be treated badly. I forgive myself for beating up on myself because I was doing the best I knew how at the time. I stood up to my X and told him I no longer want to be treated xxxxxxxxx. I am now learning that there are nuances to communication and relationships that I was not aware of because I was not taught. I forgive myself for past failures and wonder how I can act differently in the future. I say out loud to the environment and the atmosphere I forgive “X” or other people who have hurt me in the past. I call their name and say I forgive you aloud. I do that with myself also. Forgiving oneself helps tremendously I have found.

    Second I say to myself I love accept and approve of myself. I trust myself. I love myself. I respect myself. I say that to myself to let me know I have choices. I am at nobody’s mercy.

    Believe me they come back and these steps have helped me to step away and watch my thoughts so that when the ones I don’t want bubble up I can say that is how I used to think. I am in charge of me. I choose to think of lovely wonderful things. I chose those things about myself until I actually begin to believe them. I have told myself so many times now that I am beautiful that my face seems to look differntly to me now. I am a strong believer in focusing on myself. I drift away at times but work to bring myself.



  40.  #40Mercedes on December 20, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Brenda: I haven’t internet dated for a long time but I had very similar experiences. When men would contact me, the dialog generally referred to sex in some way (and my profile never mentioned anything along those lines at all…I didn’t even refer to my body type the way you did – but I like that you did…it clears up things from the beginning in case a guy has a “type” – physically – that he’s interested in) and I would have to steer that conversation in a different direction to see if they actually had personalities under there.

    Especially guys who would initiate conversation via instant messaging. Those guys I had to stop in their tracks right away. In my experience though, once I let them know they were crossing a line with me, their entire approach changed and I was able to get to know them a little better. Almost always…it didn’t take long before the “real” them (the one that initially approached me) came back and started referring to sex…even before they met me or heard my voice!

    I feel for anyone who is internet dating. I didn’t have much luck with it. I much, much prefered dating men I met in person rather than online. I never felt on the verge of rape though (except my first time…that guy ended up being a stalker who followed me after the date…but he wasn’t the norm I don’t think) but I get what you’re saying about the guys just wanting sex, right from the beginning…like first sentence or two.

    Oh…and they don’t read profiles either. You can straight up say you’re not interested in men who are planning to start a conversation with sexual references (I actually changed my profile to say that once) and you’ll still get just as many emails and they’ll still email a request for sex. I was thinking….”EWWWWWWW” almost the entire time I was online.

    Anyway…I get what you’re saying.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  41.  #41Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Meemee,

    Re chocolate man he might also be sensing your attachment to X and is actually screaming “pick me pick me” by talking about himself so much. It might not be such a good thing as he is showing you how it will be with him in the future. It is teaching you about yourself and what you don’t like. He might be doing the best he knows how. Are you nice? I play with being mean to guys I have no intention of getting involved with just to test their reaction. Funny it does not put them off. Some even come closer. If I was in your shoes and not afraid for my safety I would push his buttons to build my confidence in standing up to him.



  42.  #42Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Meemee,

    Re chocolate man he might also be sensing your attachment to X and is actually screaming “pick me pick me” by talking about himself so much. It might not be such a good thing as he is showing you how it will be with him in the future. It is teaching you about yourself and what you don’t like. He might be doing the best he knows how. Are you nice? I play with being mean to guys I have no intention of getting involved with just to test their reaction. Funny it does not put them off. Some even come closer. If I was in your shoes and not afraid for my safety I would push his buttons to build my confidence in standing up to him.



  43.  #43LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Meeemee 9 + 18

    What’s that about a good behavior IN THE FUTURE?
    How about today?

    Why not start with today?
    It takes a minute to happily say out loud in the office “hey guys! I love meemee and I have loved her for 3 years.”

    It takes him a minute to call his mother and say he wants her to meet his fiancé/lover/girl friend, and to ask her when can she arrange the meeting.

    It takes a minute to tell his office girl friends that he is taking his love meemee with him to their party.

    What’s that about not hurting you anymore?
    What is hurting you?
    The secrecy.
    Has he stopped the secrecy?
    NO
    So he IS hurting you still.

    As simple as.

    You might feel fear because you are at the verge of having to face the truth: he is NOT moving a thing, he still thinks that phoning you and texting you and now buying a gift is what you want to keep INSIDE his secret sexual game.

    His position has not changed at all. The man is deaf and blind, or he is autistic.
    You have to let him go for real now.

    Or you are afraid because you want him to win against you. You want to feel objectified.

    Or you are afraid that he might step up and introduce you to his family and deep inside you don’t really want that either. lol

    Whatever it is, I was thinking:
    What if you’d write a paper letter to him?
    You write it here first, sirens help you tweak it and then you write it on a paper letter.

    You make sure he is working that day, and you put the paper letter on his desk and you leave.
    If there is a way to discreetly watch, watch him to make sure he has read it and then you go back to your office and you try to forget it all

    If after reading the letter, he still texts BUT does not take you to his home, you know the man is mentally ill: drop it.
    He will never understand and never change with you.

    In the letter, tell him clearly once and for all what you don’t want
    Tell him your dream.
    Do you have a dream that includes a man?
    Do you want to marry, do you see children in your future?

    You told us how much you have suffered from the secrecy and the lack of care and attentions.
    You told us what you feel when you meet him away from the joy of friends and family, away from real life.
    You told us what you feel about the quick meetings to satisfy his sexual needs.
    You told us what you feel when he leaves you alone after quick sex, with your need for emotional love unsatisfied.
    You told us you don’t appreciate sex with him because it is lacking love and attentions. Sex is painful.
    You told us you do not want to feel objectified ever again. You do not want any man to deny you the dream of a future together.
    You told us you don’t want to meet ever again a man who keeps you secret.

    Tell HIM in the paper letter.

    Tell him you are interested in him romantically, so you are willing to meet him openly as his lover in front of friends and in front of HIS family.
    If he can’t do that, you’d rather not see him at all.
    You are not interested in him as a friend.
    He has taken 3 years of your life to secretly satisfy his sexual needs.
    It is not a friendly attitude at all. In his case, friendship is a fake situation that is killing you.

    Tell him calmly in a letter.

    xxx



  44.  #44Mercedes on December 20, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    LonePlum:

    “You might feel fear because you are at the verge of having to face the truth: he is NOT moving a thing, he still thinks that phoning you and texting you and now buying a gift is what you want to keep INSIDE his secret sexual game.”

    YES! YES! YES! That’s so, so true. And this:

    “What’s that about not hurting you anymore?
    What is hurting you?
    The secrecy.
    Has he stopped the secrecy?
    NO
    So he IS hurting you still.”

    and so many other things you said.

    This man will SAY anything he thinks will work to keep you in his bed Meemee…do you see that? He’ll say anything you want to hear…but he won’t say it in front of friends and family.

    He’ll even make a tokin gesture because he knows that little thing he does will keep you in his bed.

    What he WON’T do is stop hurting you. Ever. I don’t even want to see you write him a letter. He’s a loser. He’ll say anything but if the only thing that will make you happy is hearing the words “hey guys! I love meemee and I have loved her for 3 years.” then I say drop that jerk totally until you hear him yell it out at the top of his lungs in front of everyone you know.

    Hell…you’ve been jumping through hoops for this man. Let him try it once.

    Please

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  45.  #45Mercedes on December 20, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    And when I say “drop that jerk” I mean not so much as eye contact.



  46.  #46Simply Shannon on December 20, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I’m having an intriguing experience with a new CD. Good guy, relationship with God, works, responsible, adventurer, etc. And yet a part of me is missing the sexual tension. He’s kissed me twice now but both times somewhat reserved. Good kisser though but just not passionate. And I’m totally letting him lead and set the pace.

    This post is so dead on. It’s all in my head. I want a guy who doesn’t objectify me and yet my brain wants what it’s used to… a guy who only wants me for sex. Oh the irony. It is certainly not lost on me. It’s ME who wants to speed things along and take things to a sexual zone. It’s always been me. LOL! I feel amused. Baby steps to becoming a whole person.



  47.  #47Simply Shannon on December 20, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Brenda, I feel curious about your post since here on the blog, you write a lot of sexual references. I wonder what messages these guys are bringing to you to heal.

    For me when a guy writes a completely sexual post, I write back “I feel turned off. Ick.” I had one guy recently ask me to meet him and his girlfriend. I just had to laugh and wrote “LOL! I feel amused. I don’t want a F-buddy and certainly not one with a girlfriend. Good luck with your search!”

    As a rule, guys tend to be very upfront about what they are looking for and something about the internet allows them to feel bold. It’s like they sometimes forget they’re talking to a real woman. One who they would NEVER say those things to in real life. Just have to weed out the ones I don’t want. I “next” a lot of them, and I mean a LOT of them.

    If and when you do meet a guy in person, make sure you’re meeting in a public place with lots of other people around. Tell someone else where you’re going and when to expect you back. Safety first! No different than when you meet someone from real life (i.e. not online). They’re just strangers but they don’t have to be boogie men.

    I trust my gut with guys. Any dings on my gut radar and I’m either not meeting them or leaving once I do. This works for me.

    It’s like in sales. You have to meet a LOT of men before you find the one who is gonna buy. Ya know?

    I know you can do this. Trust your gut!



  48.  #48Lucy on December 20, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Feeling grateful. The local Catholic church just gave us a turkey, a big tray of Christmas cookies, and $140 worth of gift cards for Giant.

    I remarked to my daughter, “It’s strange how I used to be the one delivering charity gifts, and now people are doing it for us.”

    It feels good that it can go both ways as needed.

    Also, since I have been feeling down, I haven’t felt energized to make Christmas cookies the way I usually do — and my sister and I usually bring lots of goodies to my parents’ house in NY where we all gather for the holidays for several days, and I have been worried about not having anything to bring. So… now I have all these cookies that the church gave us that I can bring to NY — plus, last night, my son’s girlfriend gave me a gift and it was a holiday basket full of all kinds of goodies!

    And my daughter has been baking some cookies.

    Isn’t it so lovely that God provided what I needed?



  49.  #49LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    23: Meemee

    ***X said it again and again that he will not hurt me again. That makes me feel all the more fear!!! ***

    Why would a good man even think of the word “hurt” when he speaks to his lover?
    Why does he not make you happy already and he would not have to promess anything.
    He would be speaking of positive plans he is making for you and him, instead of keeping his mind switched on the hurt
    His mind is still switched on “hurt” mode, no wonder you feel fear.

    My experience is that people who promess to not hurt again instead of just making you happy, have already started to hurt you.

    xxx



  50.  #50Femininewoman on December 20, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Re 46 Loneplum great analysis. A good predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I have heard that so many times before but I am always hoping things will change. I have to keep practicing walking away so I at least feel confidence in doing it.



  51.  #51Mercedes on December 20, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    LonePlum again…wow! Yes…people who need to tell you they’re not going to hurt you are trying to make up for hurting you. I believe in second chances. I do not believe in chance after chance after chance…especially when nothing has changed.

    I’m all fired up about this man today and I don’t really understand why. All I know is I would like 5 minutes, in public, with him so I could make SURE everyone who knows him also knows what he’s like.

    Ugh!



  52.  #52Daria on December 20, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Brenda – it sounds to me like you’re experiencing exactly what is going on in the article

    you are putting out sexy vibes subconcsiously

    for example “well padded” makes me think of sex

    therefore im not surprised you are receving that…

    just like Rori describes happens!



  53.  #53Lucy on December 20, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I agree, Daria.



  54.  #54LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Mercedes 48

    lol
    Many sirens would want to go with you. Enough to rent a charter plane. The Red Bricks Crusades charter, we’ll call it. 🙂



  55.  #55Lucy on December 20, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Anyone — Have you ever thought maybe you had a revelation/saw a pattern about your relationships, but weren’t completely sure if it was real or if your mind was just putting things together that really didn’t mean what you thought they might mean?

    Well, that’s happening to me today. And I kind of want to post it here, but kind of feel vulnerable about putting it out there, bc I might want to take it back. And I feel scared of other people holding onto it and thinking they “know” things about me bc of it.

    Oh, and now I am recalling a vision I had today — a beautiful woman dressed in a long, dark red velvet dress and cape, smiling at me, then leading me into a cave that was also dark red but full of light… and she suggested I try an experiment of listening to Sirens in a different way when they are talking about me … and in some way, she was Daria…. Hmmm…. so I will try that experiment now….

    This is the pattern I think I might be seeing (It hit me all at once today):

    I fall in love with men when they sing. (If they sing well, that is.)

    1. When WH first sent me a link to one of his songs, I was afraid to listen to it, and put off listening to it, bc I was afraid I would “fall in love.” And, lo and behold, I did.

    2. When I met my ex-h, I did not feel at all attracted to him, but was trying to let attraction grow bc he seemed like a good guy and I really wanted to get married and have children. I even said yes to his proposal without being in love at all. THEN, one day, he sang a solo at a church and I sat there in the audience and suddenly thought, “Wow, I think I’m falling in love with him. Yes, I’m in love with him! Finally!”

    3. The guy I was engaged to in college was tone deaf, but loved to sing. It felt awful hearing him sing. That was one reason I started to feel unsure about marrying him. Then, when our married boss at camp (who was trying to seduce me) started singing solos at chapel services, I started to feel intensely attracted to him, and eventually broke my engagement to M so I could sleep with our singing boss.

    4. This is the really pathetic part: it’s all about my mom! Again! I thought I had healed all that and was no longer looking to be loved by my mom through a man! 🙁 Here’s the thing — my mom has a beautiful alto voice — I always wished I could sing like her (I’m a soprano and my voice is not nearly as strong as hers) — AND, the only times as a child that I actually FELT loved by her were when she was rubbing my head and SINGING to me with that beautiful voice.

    I suddenly feel like crying. REALLY crying. Oh man. Does that mean this really IS a revelation?

    I feel scared and vulnerable posting this, but I really do want to keep healing and growing, and therefore also want to hear any insights you girls have reading this. Thank you. Please be loving. (I can’t believe I wrote “please be loving,” but I’m leaving it in bc it’s what flowed out of me in this moment.)



  56.  #56Daria on December 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    oh Lucy! that’s awesomne!! seems really important!

    I intend that you cry it all healed and hug and love yourself with all that strength love you desire!



  57.  #57Rachel on December 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Lucy …. this makes a lot of sense. I don’t have much time to write and would want to process it more before responding, but I hear you and don’t feel anything but love and compassion for your little girl.

    Give her a strong hug and let her know that she’s going to be ok and that you’ll take care of her while you figure this all out.



  58.  #58Jennifer on December 20, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Brenda, I hear you. I feel your Pain. I agree with Daria. I feel like when you put an ad on CL and start out with a quick and ONLY statement about you being BBW…then unfortunately, you have the possibility of attracting those that cater only to the carnal instincts. I am also feeling like what you give out, you get. You are no doubt a gorgeous, lovely woman,who can put an ad out there that would not in anyway speak of physical stats right off the bat, and I’m sure you would get many, wonderful, generous and open hearted responses from wonderfulmen ready to treat you like a queen. Because you deserve nothing less. And neither do they.
    much love, and good luck!



  59.  #59Apple Jacks on December 20, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    So my comments over four or six hours ago was awaiting in moderation (and I didn’t say any of the words. Only that I loved this post) and now it’s gone. Annoying.



  60.  #60Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    @Lucy

    Music has a siren effect on you. Lovely.

    P.S. you can “taken anything back” if you want to. I think that’s the special “woman’s prerogative.” 😀

    @ to anyone

    I have a question about “honey and bears.” Have I missed some special cultural significance about this?

    I’m checking fitness centers, making plans for the New Year 2011 and “Yahoo!” there are all kinds of things available, seniors programs too…I hope as good IRL as on paper because sometimes it doesn’t workout that way.

    Anyway… there are morning swims referred to Honey and Bears…is it just me that is detecting a sexual reference …? Honey and Bears for seniors, Honey and Bears for teens… then for adults just adults,,. 😆 😆 just “adults” no Honey and Bears!

    So, I’m laughing here thinking of horny adolescents and seniors full of zest…and the other “adults” are too tired and frazzled to be into a Honey and Bears lifestyle… “:lol:

    Or do I just have an overactive imagination…?

    SLV



  61.  #61Daria on December 20, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    im gonna take a honey and bears shower bath!



  62.  #62Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    @Lucy

    Mean you can TAKE anything back. Whew! Glad wasn’t using italics!

    SLV



  63.  #63Senior Lady Vibe on December 20, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    @58: Daria says:
    im gonna take a honey and bears shower bath!

    C’mon don’t tease me. Is it something sexual?

    Gotta to run to library now. Hope don’t meet Library Man.

    BRB

    SLV



  64.  #64NurseJennifer on December 20, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    HEY!!!
    I changed my name! So we’re not confused with me and the other Jennifer……not that I disagreed with her but there can only be one no nonsense, pediatric, judo learning nurse…..and she…….be me.
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



  65.  #65Kelly on December 20, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Things always seem to appear when you need them.
    I found you by accident today and I have looked throughout your website and I am ordering your ebook as soon as my deposit hits the bank on friday.
    I would love your insights to my current situation. In short, I am separated and divorced for almost 2 years after spending 29 yrs (my whole adult life) with the wrong man. When I finally figured out that I can’t make him happy, and that I was dying inside trying to make him happy, that my only way to save myself was to leave. This was a terribly brave thing for me to do. Even my closest family and friends didn’t ‘get it’ or support me because, of coarse I had hid all the bad things for so many years, no one really knew. Anyway, right away I was re-united with my very first love. The friendship had gone on for the last year and a half, me wanting more and him not being ready. I finally made ‘my list’ of the guy that I dreamed of. I was afraid of my ‘true’ list. I think that two-fold…I knew in my heart that my list would rule out my first love. I was willing to ‘settle’ again. Can you believe that! I had settled for 30 yrs and I thought that I was so brave and wise and here I was at 50 years old willing to settle again because I don’t want to be alone! By the grace of God, right before Thanksgiving I was sent an email for a friend that I had been looking for from high school. Truly, just friends, we started corresponding and we finally were able to see each other just for a few hours this last weekend. We both admitted that we had always had a crush on the other one. I found my self faced with the man who was on my ‘true’ wish list. Not my list that was designed to match up to a certain guy, but my real list. The list that I thought was so full of dreams that there actually couldn’t be a guy to match this list. Now, here he is.
    At the end of a long drawn out divorce. He has custody of 3 kids, 16,13, 11 and I have my son 15. We are also about 5 hours away from each other. We have agreed to stay in touch, but he made it clear that he was not wanting to be in a serious relationship until he is past most of the drama with the final decisions for the divorce. I really want a chance with this guy to see what can happen. My question is, where do I go with him from here? Am I a friend who is there for him, do I leave him completely alone until he is ready? If I continue dating am I sending out the wrong message into the universe. I really could use your advise on this one. He is truly ‘a keeper’ and the best man I know. He was like that in high school and is showing me that he grew into even a better man. If he is worth it, what should I do from here. He knows that I am interested, but I don’t want him to think that I am just waiting around for him to be ready… right? This whole thing confuses me. I feel like I just want to be honest and not play games anymore. Please help.
    Thanks so much! Kelly



  66.  #66tinque on December 20, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    what is honey and bears SLV? have you found the answer yet?
    xxoo



  67.  #67Lizzie on December 20, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    oh yeah! I am falling in love and I want all the fantastic physical stuff I can get my greedy little hands on. I love it that I turn on a man. I want to be lusted after in the kitchen. I want to be desired when he thinks of me. I want to feel that glorious sexual energy that is so powerful. I want to feel the power of knowing that I am an invitation. I said to my new man “you are such a tender, gently and thoughtful lover”, he said, “you are beautiful and you have the power to let me in”. He wants to give to me; I want to be his invitation and to recieve. It is so incredibly beautiful! I am not sure if it was SShannon who said something along the lines of … I want to grab him, toss him into my cage and claim him for my own! YES!!! Phew!!! Nevertheless, I shall chill and just keep in back of my little boat, raise my hand from time to time and give a hint, otherwise, he has picked up the oars and is rowing along rather nicely. I am in shock as to how easy this is. What astounds me so much is when I use feeling messages, I get them back in big huge packages. Something like this:

    me: “I feel so happy spending time with you”
    him: “I feel so pleased! I am so enjoying being with you too, in fact, I really like you and really want to get to know you more. I really want to spend more time with you”

    I am feeling so wonderful! sigh!



  68.  #68Dorothea on December 20, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    oh noooooo oooooooo

    i just got off the phone to agree to a date with a cd, and i feel so attracted to him. i feel so conflicted, liking him more than i like LI right now. but i havent even gone out with this guy! my mind is so funny like that! how can i worry about something that doesn’t even exist!? LOL i crack myself up

    if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist

    if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist

    if he’s not in front of me, he doesn’t exist



  69.  #69Dorothea on December 20, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    i would feel so guilty to reject LI after he has been stepping up all week doing nice favors and things for me to make sure i am taken care of.

    he cherishes me so.

    and yet, it’s my cd’ing that’s shifting my vibe and causing this in him

    but what if my cd’ing leads me to a different man?

    what if i make the wrong choice??



  70.  #70Anna Carruthers on December 20, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Thanks for the advice! This is wonderful 🙂



  71.  #71LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 7:10 pm


  72.  #72LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 7:12 pm


  73.  #73LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 7:17 pm


  74.  #74LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    From evanmarckatz.com

    Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

    Men very often don’t know what they want.

    This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you.
    You could probably tell from our actions.
    But it’s true.
    Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love.
    And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

    Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt.
    It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT.

    This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. 
    Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED.
    It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late.
    That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-”, “He says he loves me, but-”, “We had an amazing date, but-”.

    One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment.
    Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU.
    Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend.
    Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you.
    Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

    And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?
    Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

    So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love.
    I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship.
    So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife.
    Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

    1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?

    2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?

    3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?

    4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

    These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships.
    But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

    So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?
    That’s right. We can’t.
    We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

    You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”
    Sorry. We’ve got a different truth.

    The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.
    The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.
    The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.
    So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.
    Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy.
    Because there’s no challenge and no human connection.
    Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.
    So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

    Men look for sex and find love.
    Women look for love and find sex.
    The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

    If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there.
    There are relationship-oriented men out there.
    And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU.
    The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing.
    I know.
    It happened to me.



  75.  #75Cherie on December 20, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Along the lines of men don’t know what they want …

    The guy I’m seeing, I kept saying to myself .. what does he want? why doesn’t he really want me? if he says he loves spending time with me … but still wants to be free to date other women … why does he want to do that?

    But I’ve been following the advice here and in some way it is having an effect. This past few days we spent time together, even though I am aware recently he has really been naughty … without my being involved. Still he keeps coming back to me … like he’s going away, looking around .. but comes back. And this is what he said … he loves how I say what I’m feeling without being angry or nagging or fighting. He says I just say what’s on my mind and how I feel about it … and then he feels awful if he thinks he’s hurting me and he is getting all these protective feelings towards me. The other night he invited me over to visit with friends and warned me they were a bit “out there”, it was all a bit confusing and then a woman made it obvious my man has been seeing her too. However, I didn’t really react, just said yeah well we are not committed and I’m dating too and I went on to have a fun night giggling and being silly and chatting to the other guy there. Later my man said he was “melting” when he looked at me and watched me telling stories to the others, and he said when he tried to get my attention I hardly noticed him … and it was making him crazy about me! When we were alone, he was saying “what am I going to do with you, you make me melt”. He said he loves having a few days away from me, and gets so excited about when he sees me and he says a lot of the reason for this …. is because of how I am communicating to him … how I don’t get angry or crazy and just calmly tell him the things that are making my feel not right!

    So ok, he’s still wanting to be this uncommitted bachelor guy, but there’s a shift. He’s making more plans for time with me than he did before. I know there’s this other lady, and other women he still chats too … but I’m just going to make more effort to CD and keep him on his toes. And if he wants to keep being this player for too much longer, well … as his friend said the other night … hey can’t you open your eyes and see what you have, you are going to lose her.



  76.  #76Nikita on December 20, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    lol.

    I’m A MAN MAGNET

    lol



  77.  #77Lucy on December 20, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    re: emk’s words … well i for one am glad that i have met many men who can and do “navigate that space with integrity.” hmm. i feel curious about that…



  78.  #78Dorothea on December 20, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    oh god, unable to be present with LI while fantasizing about weddings with one i haven’t even gone out with yet!

    i feel soooooooooo silly
    i had no idea i could even be like this!



  79.  #79Brenda on December 20, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #6 – I guess I’ll have to discard “well-padded”. I was trying to come up with a euphism for overweight. Geez! But you are probably right.

    SLV,

    RE: #7 – I have avoided dating and posting for months, and I swore them off. On a whim, I posted a few nights ago. Within minutes, I was reminded why I stopped: I feel like I’m one step from rape when I try online dating. 🙁



  80.  #80LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    Is it Possible to Have a Conversation With a Guy Online Without It Getting Sexual?
    Evan Marc Katz

    I want to know if it is possible to have a conversation with a guy without it getting sexual?
    I’m not talking about a little flirting, I’m talking about body parts being described, how they would be used, etc.
    I’m all for a little flirting, but it seems like the internet puts no barriers on what a person will say.
    I mean, if I met some guy at a party, after a little flirting, he wouldn’t tell me how hard his C$(K is, now would he?!?!
    And he wouldn’t want to know how I think that would feel, either.
    Now, he may very well be thinking these things, but he would never come out and say them in person, especially after knowing me only a few minutes.
    I’ve even had some quality conversations, that after a few days of talking, turn into this kind of a discussion.
    Is this just the way it is?
    Is this what I am to expect?
    I don’t have a problem with a man telling me I am sexy, but if I acknowledge that, am I setting myself up for these kinds of conversations?
    Is there a way to avoid it, or should I just avoid these men if they go into it?
    I’d love some advice on this.
    I’m getting a bit fed-up!
    Leah

    Hey Leah,
    What are you wearing right now?
    Sorry. Too easy.

    And that’s the thing with conversations that devolve into sex talk.
    It’s simply too easy to go there.

    This is the nature of online communications.
    Millions of people hiding behind their computers to connect.
    Except some of them are dorks parading as big shots.
    And some are men acting like little girls.
    And some are women being brazen when they’re super-shy in real life.

    But the one thing we know about online communications is that people can be whoever they want to be.
    With one amazing caveat – they’re never held accountable for their actions.

    I want to do something revolutionary here and change that statement to “we’re never held accountable for our actions”.
    Because when we’re talking about policing online behavior, it always seems to imply that it’s everybody else who’s wrong, when, in fact, WE’RE what’s wrong.

    No matter how you slice it, this is a societal problem from the presidency on down – we’re a bunch of hypocrites who lie and cheat and misrepresent and fabricate – and cry and complain when everyone else does the same thing.
    This isn’t about you, Leah.
    This is just something I needed to get off my chest.

    Sure, I’ve gone there before – notably when discussing liars.
    See, it’s okay when I say I’m 5’10” instead of 5’9”, but it’s awful when a woman claims to be 130lbs when she’s really 150lbs.
    It’s fine when I say I have an “athletic” body instead of an average one, but it’s not cool when she says she’s 35 when she’s really 37.
    Telling the truth is for other people; we want the right to play fast and loose with the facts as we see fit.
    Because WE’RE good people.
    And THEY’RE bad people.

    But good people steal office supplies.
    Good people get “creative” on their taxes.
    Good people write nasty things on blogs.
    And we do this for one main reason – because we’re never held accountable.
    If we were, we’d clean up our acts REAL fast….

    Take the hypothetical “test” that the military asks its members to consider before making decisions.
    It’s called the Washington Post Test:
    “If you are facing an ethical dilemma, ask yourself what you would do if you knew that your actions would make the front page of tomorrow’s Washington Post.”

    When faced with the idea of being “outed” for the world to see, our standards of behavior skyrocket.
    Would anybody leave a profane message like Alec Baldwin did for his daughter if he knew it would make the nightly news?
    No f-in way.

    This disconnect between what we do in public and what we do behind closed doors is WHY we have private lives – so we can hide things that might be considered embarrassing.

    God knows I’ve probably done some foolhardy things over fifteen years of dating, and I can only hope that those women have forgiven me.
    And I’ll tell you – after seeing media figures raked over the coals of bloggers, haters and little people – for nothing more than being themselves – well, I’m just bracing myself for that day when some of my old bad karma comes back to haunt me.

    I know this isn’t really an answer to your question, Leah, but it feeds into something just as important – the understanding that lowbrow, shady, embarrassing, perverted, negative behavior flourishes on the internet like bacteria in a Petri dish.

    Sure, you can minimize it by not tolerating it, but idiots will always be idiots.
    The quickest way to teach them a lesson about dirty talk is to block their profiles instantly.

    Maybe then they’ll get the idea that it may be fun, but it’s not going to get them a date with a quality relationship-minded woman. 



  81.  #81Leo on December 20, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Ladies….

    i feel a little down right now…
    I didnt send my man an email last night to say good night. = Trying to lean back.

    But it so often feels like playing games to me…
    “No i am not gonna write him”
    “no I am not gonna text him”.

    And for the reasons… Yes, I take care of myself in those moment. But… sometimes I think like ” He doesnt write – So i dont either”. But that feels so much like playing games… I try to make it sound nicer in my ears with ” I am worth being written to, so I dont lean forward!!!”

    But still….
    I feel so afraid.

    We learn to not do things out of the wrong reasons…
    And this nasty voice in my head then always tells me things as “You are only leaning back so he will write you”.

    I mean…thats true too… I lean back in order to give him space to step up.
    This is so hard….
    I feel afraid of doing the wrong things…
    I feel so anxious.

    Trying to tell me all these things as “you are leaning back for yourself. It has nothing to do with him”
    But it sounds to me as a lie….



  82.  #82Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Hi sirens
    You know what?
    X came to my room and asked me what my plans are for the day. I said I have got work. Then he asked me “WILL YOU TAKE ME HOME?”
    Hahahahaha!!!
    I just leaned back on my chair, looked at him and I couldn’t help a laugh.I was thinking of all those warnings you gave me about him manipulating me!!
    He looked at me perplexed and said “Oh, you dont want to. Okay I dont want to make you feel pressurized”
    and left.
    Meemee



  83.  #83LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    When Should You Take Down Your Online Dating Profile?
    Evan Marc Katz

    I’ve been dating a guy online for a month, and he brought up the idea of being exclusive, to which I agreed.
    At what point should I take down my dating profile?
    If he doesn’t take his down, would that mean that he is trying to keep his options open?
    I know in your eBook “Why He Disappeared” you talk about mirroring his actions–if he calls, answer; if he sets up a date, say yes—so if he keeps his profile up, I should keep mine up too?
    I was thinking of giving it a few weeks and if it doesn’t come up, to say something along the lines of “Since we’re exclusive now does that mean I should take my profile down?” versus “I’ve noticed you still have your profile up, are you dating other people?”
    Or will bringing it up at all make me seem needy and jealous?
    Vanessa

    Dear Vanessa,

    I tackled this question a long time ago, but yours has an extra twist that makes it unique.

    So let’s go through your original letter and see if we can make sense of this together.

    He brings up the idea of exclusivity, but doesn’t take his profile down: hmmm…very fishy, don’t you think?
    It’s like making a New Years resolution to do cardio, but refusing to ever set foot in the gym.
    The two things just don’t add up.

    Maybe this guy needs a dictionary to clarify the term “exclusive,” but, by pretty much any standard, “exclusive” doesn’t mean logging onto Match to peruse other women.

    Which is why I’m very comfortable redefining your relationship, Vanessa as “non-exclusive.”
    You’re just seeing a guy who’s making grand proclamations that you want to hear.
    And it seems to be working quite well for him.

    Moving on…
    You want to know how the concept of “mirroring” (seen in “Why He Disappeared”) plays into online dating.
    You hit the nail on the head, Vanessa.
    If he emails you immediately, you email him back immediately.
    If he waits 3 days, you wait 3 days.
    If he asks for your phone number, give it to him with a time to call.
    If he follows up for a second date and you’re interested, accept.
    You don’t have to do anything other than what he does, which keeps your job VERY simple and crystal clear.
    If he’s not doing what you want him to do, rest assured, he’s doing what HE wants to do.

    And, apparently, what HE wants to do is promise exclusivity to you while continuing to look for other women online.
    He must think you’re a fool because, really, everyone spies on everyone in the online dating world.

    I’d like to give you some earthshatteringly brilliant advice that you haven’t previously considered, but I very much like your take on things.
    Keep your profile up, give him a few more weeks to step up to the plate, and go with “Since we’re exclusive now, does that mean I should take my profile down?”
    It’s cunning and cutting at the same time.
    His answer will reveal everything to you.

    At which point, you can get back online to find a guy who really DOES want to commit to you.



  84.  #84LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Meemee76

    Good for you
    Gosh, my red bricks are fuming here! lol

    Have you seen my posts number 40 and 46 for you?

    xxx



  85.  #85Meemee on December 20, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Darling Plum
    I just reached office and checking the blog.Reading them right now!
    Hugs
    Meemee



  86.  #86Leo on December 20, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    Gosh….it feels like I have a knot in my tummy….
    I feel needy… I am needy… I miss him.

    I love myself.
    I want my thoughts to stop!

    And the worst thing is: I make such a big deal out of this “not contacting him” but he wont even think about it in such a way.
    He thinks: I take care of myself. He misses me, cause he DOES want contact to me.
    And later today…when we will have contact, he wont ask “why didnt you write an email?”
    MEN dont think this way.

    And i know all that… but this stupid f****** voice…

    😀



  87.  #87LonePlum on December 20, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Taking Down Your Profile
    Evan Marc Katz

    I‘ve been seeing this girl I met online for about two months.
    Things are going well and I want to be her boyfriend, but I still notice her logging into the dating site where we met.
    How can I get her to take her profile down without seeming too pushy?
    Jason

    Great question, Jason – one that affects everyone who dates online.

    The thing to realize is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior.
    She’s gonna do what she wants to do, same as you are.

    The best way to see this clearer is to flip the situation over.
    If some girl is into you, but you’re not into her, you’re gonna keep browsing online.
    Doesn’t mean you don’t want to see her, just means you’re looking to trade up.
    She’s Miss Right Now, not Ms. Right.

    However, if she refuses to be Miss Right Now and makes it clear that she’ll accept nothing less than a commitment, that’s okay.
    You’ll wish her the best of luck in her search and you’ll both move on to greener pastures.
    You have different needs, different goals, different perceptions – no reason for anyone to get hurt.

    You’re the girl in this situation.
    And if you’re unsure of where you stand, the best solution is to bring this to the surface in a confident way.

    How do you do that?
    Take down your profile. Unilaterally.
    She’ll notice. She may even say something.
    If she does, just let her know that you don’t want to see anyone else.
    She’ll either think that’s sweet and offer to remove her profile, or she’ll remind you that you’re just “seeing each other” and that she’s not ready to be exclusive.
    Either way, you have your answer.

    I did this three years ago and it worked perfectly.
    Was dating two women casually.
    Met a third and was blown away.
    I dumped the first two and instantly took down my profile for #3.

    When #3 saw my profile was down, she asked me why.
    I told her, matter-of-factly that she was why.
    What’s the point of me looking for other people when I was into her?

    Of course, such an admission can be a little intimidating for someone you’ve known for a week.
    Which is why I reassured her that she didn’t have to remove her profile.
    Removing my profile is what I wanted to do.
    And if she wanted to go out with twenty other JDate guys before taking her profile down, she could.
    As far as I was concerned, going on a bunch of dates would only reinforce why she should be exclusive with me.
    Yes, a little ego goes a long way.

    Now if you take down your profile and she doesn’t say anything, you might want to step up your efforts to see her more.
    There are two possible scenarios:
    1) she reciprocates in kind, and you become her boyfriend, and
    2) she backs away, and you move on.
    No need to have an uncomfortable “Why is your profile up after two months?” conversation.
    Actions speak louder than words.

    To sum up, the reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:
    1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.
    2) She’s just not that into you.
    The latter is the more likely scenario.
    But you never know until you take action.

    The good thing is that there’s no downside to pushing things forward.
    Better to get an answer now than to wait another two months to find out where you stand.

    xxx



  88.  #88Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 12:04 am

    OOps, my comment seems to have gone to be moderated, probably because it had “yahoo” in it.



  89.  #89Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 12:06 am

    82: Lorelei says:
    “OOps, my comment seems to have gone to be moderated, probably because it had “yahoo” in it.

    Hmmm, I think I had TWO yahoos today…no moderation. Did you say J&sus?

    SLV



  90.  #90LonePlum on December 21, 2010 at 12:11 am

    When In Doubt, Smile – What Your Online Dating Photos Say About You.
    Evan Marc Katz

    Whenever I get new one-on-one dating coaching clients, the first thing I do is pay for professional online dating photos.
    Believe me, nobody’s more of a profile snob than yours truly, and I’ll be the first to acknowledge that if people don’t find you attractive, it doesn’t matter if you write like Shakespeare.

    When I work with companies like  LookBetterOnline andDatingHeadshots, I do my best to ensure that in taking pro photos, they come out really naturally.
    Nobody wants to see your Star Search photo shoot, with your chin in your hand, or your 3 piece suit, or your blue marbled background.
    We want to see YOU.

    People are finally learning to put their best foot forward, according to an OkCupid study.

    You don’t want to see the polished version of someone, airbrushed in flattering light.
    You want to see what he/she really looks like.

    When I was dating online, my primary photo was a professional shot (which looked like just a great natural snapshot), and the rest of my photos were from “real life”:
    a picture of me and my Mom dressed up in the back of a limo, a picture of my sister and friends out at the beach in the Hamptons, a picture of me, standing outside the Boathouse in Central Park, a picture of me and a buddy dressed up for Halloween.
    A cross-section of my life.

    And in every single photo, I had a big, broad, smile.

    You couldn’t look at any of my photos and say “this one is better than this one.”
    They all showed me having fun, looking happy, spending time with a variety of people.
    This is what’s attractive to others.
    This is what’s attractive to YOU.

    So today, check out your own online dating photos.
    Are there any photos where you’re not smiling?
    Toss ‘em.
    Any photos where you’re not in them because you’ve featured your cat, dog, ocean or mountain view?
    Toss ‘em.
    Any photos where it’s hard to see your face because you’re in a crowd of friends?
    Toss ‘em.
    Any photos where your friends are appreciably better looking than you?
    Toss ‘em.
    Any photos where you don’t look as good as you do in your main one?
    Toss ‘em.

    Your photos tell your story. Interesting. Happy. Smiling. Active. Consistent.

    Get ‘em in the door with a natural looking pro shot, seal the deal with a natural sounding one-of-a-kind profile, and you’ll be AMAZED at how much more fun online dating will become for you.

    xxx



  91.  #91Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Brenda @ 73 and previous posts

    Alternatives to “well-padded” . . perhaps you don’t need to say too much about size . . when there is a photo which gives a general idea of your body shape . . .

    “Gorgeous woman with a big heart and a beautiful personality”

    “Statuesque siren” [yes, why not, they won’t know that we’re all sirens on here!]

    “Gorgeous siren, with a big heart and a big laugh . . who knows that the gym will never seem as much fun as hanging out with friends . . ”

    Also, reading around on EMK as well as Rori, it seems that a lot of men like to hear that we take a bit of exercise – implying some interest in fitness regardless of body size. I’ve even seen men’s profiles where in “pet hates” they put things about people who don’t take exercise, etc.

    Is there anything you can say in your profile about, say, you can still touch your toes because you love long walks on the beach, or that you keep in trim by walking a friend’s dog . . or that you love dancing round your kitchen to music . . . or you join in with nieces/nephews/friends’ children when they [insert some activity – trampolining, hand-ball, running around doing something interesting], running around doing x makes it sound as if you are active.

    Anything that makes you sound as if you have some physical get up and go is, apparently, attractive to men . . . .



  92.  #92Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 12:38 am

    SLV @ 83 (poetry -say it out loud!)

    No, but it had a link to a great site that includes info about spotting scammers, players and sleazeballs online, and then had an example of the kind of yahoo address that men, who are only after sexy pick-ups (or cyber sex) use. Eg, of a first contact message that says, “I hate this site/ I’m leaving this site, so let’s just message/IM each other straight away on . . . some address that includes the word yahoo.”

    The site is called “Ditch or Snog” (!) and I’m going to post this again. It has lots of good advice about spotting patterns of different kind of non-genuine online contacts. http://www.country-couples.co.uk/datingtips/how-to-spot-an-online-dating-player

    The main point of my moderated post was that the kind of approaches we get online partly depends on whether we’re on the kind of site that is the equivalent of a down-town pick-up joint, or a party at a friend or colleague’s home.

    And that the paying sites with long questionnaires work like this. If you partially sign up – give email and user name, and complete their long questionnaires . .but don’t go all the way to register and pay . . .they will then start emailing you with news of special offers, and free weekends. I got onto a very quality site, with lots of quality, sincere men, but partly signing up and eventually joining when they came up with a 70% discount offer that I could afford! I got the idea from someone on here.

    So I hang out on a site where there are a high proportion of sincere people, and fewer pick-up-artists – and I’ve never had a sleazy message that crossed a line. A little flirty, a little complimentary, but no comments that cross the line into coming on too strong and too overtly sexual.

    I feel so bad for the sirens who are getting discouraged and turned off by too many approaches that sound sleazy. But it’s not that I am so evolved that I only attract quality men. If I hung out on sites that a lot of men believe are pick-up sites, I would get sleazy approaches too.

    Haven’t got time to stay on here – have loads of pre-Christmas errands to do . .must dash … hopefully, the first comment will appear once they realise my mistake, whatever it was, was innocent.



  93.  #93Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 12:39 am

    Meemee, Leo . . hi, have to go off online . . . but hang in there darlings . . back later.



  94.  #94Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Brenda – “Sumptuous siren with a big eyes, big heart, and big laugh”?



  95.  #95Meemee on December 21, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Plum
    re:40 and 46
    Plum, you have done it again- a neat breaking down of the promises made by X.
    You said
    “It takes a minute to happily say out loud in the office “hey guys! I love meemee and I have loved her for 3 years.”

    It takes him a minute to call his mother and say he wants her to meet his fiancé/lover/girl friend, and to ask her when can she arrange the meeting.

    It takes a minute to tell his office girl friends that he is taking his love meemee with him to their party”.

    Well. He has done anything of the above. The second is not something that is a custom here. So I am not sure about it. But yeah, the other little gestures are not made.
    I still dont know what he thinks about secrecy- I have told him pointblank that I dont want secrecy. But he has come back again and we have not talked about that. I dont want to initiate a conversation on that. I am not getting any clue whether he wants this as a secret business or if he is planning to change. In any case, I will come to know about it if he acts, right?

    Yes, I feel fear because I know I am comforting myself by saying that he might change and infact somewhere deep inside me I know that I will have to confront the fact that HE HAS NOT CHANGED.
    Also he talks so “beautifully” (sic) and smoothly and I fear that most.

    Also I wonder why did not he suggest anything better when I refused to take him home. Not that I want him to do anything of that sort. He could have asked me out, could have asked for a coffee or something else. Why did he leave saying that “I dont want to pressurize you” when I said no to sex!!!!!!!!

    Meemee



  96.  #96Rosalie on December 21, 2010 at 4:42 am

    @Meemee:

    My heart goes out for you. A dear friend of mine is kept in secrecy for long-long years as well…
    It can go up to 3, 13, 23, 33 years as well… Until he can have sex with you.

    It depends on you ONLY when you escape the cage!!!



  97.  #97Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 4:44 am

    hey………….
    WTH?!?!?!
    I am trying to change my name on here cause there is another Jennifer………….and i keep getting moderated and now my comments have DISSAPEARED!?!??
    BOO



  98.  #98Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 4:52 am

    MeeMee.
    I have not really been commenting on your situation much…..but I have been reading it.
    I offer some words of sympathy and solidarity. My Ex boyfriend once invited me to to a graduation ceremony he was having and then at the party afterwords introduced his parents but not me…….while I stood right there.
    Delving into that memory and feeling the humiliation of a moment………I cannot imagine WHAT you go through with this guy.
    I can tell you that you are a very strong person. I know you don’t believe it. But you are. I ran away to the bathroom and cried. You are standing up for yourself and changing your life.
    You can do this.
    Easy as pie.



  99.  #99Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 5:07 am

    Meemee @89

    ” I am not getting any clue whether he wants this as a secret business or if he is planning to change.”

    I’m sorry to say this, but his actions are giving you the clues, not his words. He comes to your room and, after all you have said to him about not being a secret, he asks you to take him home (that would be for sex). I feel glad you laughed in response.

    “Also I wonder why did not he suggest anything better when I refused to take him home. Not that I want him to do anything of that sort. He could have asked me out, could have asked for a coffee or something else. Why did he leave saying that “I dont want to pressurize you” when I said no to sex!!!!!!!!”

    He did not suggest anything better, when you refused to take him home, because he only wants sex. His actions and what-he-does-not-say are telling you that he doesn’t want anything better. Men do what they want. X is a very confident man – if he wanted to take you for coffee, he would.

    By trying to get you to take him home, he is still trying to pressurize you, whatever he says about not pressurising you.

    This feels so hard, I know, because part of you still wants him to change, or longs for him to change. But another part of him does not want to change.

    It feels so bad that he takes up so much of your time an energy. Have you been able to get any of Rori’s programmes yet? A lot of what we say on here will make much more sense if you were able to work through some of the exercises that she has in these.



  100.  #100Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 7:50 am

    @86: Lorelei says:

    “…It has lots of good advice about spotting patterns of different kind of non-genuine online contacts.
    http://www.country-couples.co.uk/datingtips/how-to-spot-an-online-dating-player …”

    A while back, Brenda posted a scam e-mail she received and how she learned about the guy by checking an online dating scam detection site. If I find the link I’ll repost it or maybe Brenda will.

    “…The main point of my moderated post was that the kind of approaches we get online partly depends on whether we’re on the kind of site that is the equivalent of a down-town pick-up joint, or a party at a friend or colleague’s home…”

    I believe that’s true; CL is a free-for-all and it can be sleazy. But for now CL is still on my list as a resource; I realize I’ll have to sort through frogs or worse… 😯

    I try to keep a sense of humour about these things and some of the CL ads crack me up. Maybe I’ll start posting a CL “ad of the week” so flaky CDs will look better by comparison, not that it will help but a giggle or two is fun. 😆

    There are a lot of obvious, tacky, sleazy and porno CL ads but there are also ads that are nice. I’m wondering if anyone here has ever used CL the other way and replied to ads that guys post?

    I commend Brenda for hanging in there and making her way through the frogs. We each only need a few good responders in order to CD but we might have to sort through a bunch to find them.

    SLV



  101.  #101Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 7:59 am

    @61: tinque says:
    “what is honey and bears SLV? have you found the answer yet? xxoo”

    Hi tinque:

    No, I still don’t know… but I was curious enough to phone. I got one of those telephone “info trees” with lots of schedules but no mention of “honey and bears!”

    I’m intrigued; I think this is a sign and I’d better get in on what’s going on… 😉

    There’s an open house right after New Year’s Day so I’m going to go and check it out. I have a good feeling about this.
    😀

    SLV



  102.  #102Femininewoman on December 21, 2010 at 8:24 am

    Dearest Leo,

    How about telling that voice I hear you and I love you too. Remember you get to make up the story and as someone said once why not make it up to sound good. Why not say I lean back so I can explore my feelings about leaning back. I lean back to test my tenacity. Trust me, I am trying also and it doesn’t always feel natural but at the end of the day I tell myself I am a Rockstar Diva when I don’t call. It makes me feel so wonderful about myself. I am so curious now about how all this works that I make myself experiment. Will I win, I might lose but guess what I am learning about the best person on the planet. I know at the end of the day when I get what I want it will feel wonderful because I have always known that I do not feel good chasing after a man even though I did it in the past. I just love it when I ignore them and they come complaining about that. Just this week one guy brought up about the “ring” in a conversation I was so shocked I almost could not respond. I have been learning from him that guys test the waters by mentioning things they want us to be comfortable with. He constantly brings up marriage and finding a wife though I am not convinced he is the one for me. I think he is doing it to get a sense of my comfort with him or to say something to tell him if I consider him a husband. He is the wrong person to resist the thought about but I do it and the more I resist the closer he comes.



  103.  #103tinque on December 21, 2010 at 8:24 am

    SLV – the only picture I get is a honey bear I used to use for my face massage treatments but in giant form.

    Anyone else on the east coast being really sick? We both got hit hard. Maybe it’s the move, new place, new people, new bugs…

    xxoo



  104.  #104Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 8:27 am

    @Meemee

    @93: Lorelei says:
    “…Meemee @89
    It feels so bad that he takes up so much of your time an energy. Have you been able to get any of Rori’s programmes yet? A lot of what we say on here will make much more sense if you were able to work through some of the exercises that she has in these…”

    Hi Meemee, I’ve posted many things to you, with suggestions of things I’ve learned over the years and things taught to me by women in my family. I have the impression you do not have women you go to for this kind of advice (well you have the sirens now!) but it can be very helpful.

    I won’t say much more about you and Mr x; I think most has already been said and many times. I’m drawing energy to myself now by looking forward to 2011. I’m getting rather excited about my plans. I can hardly sit still. There’s a big smile on my face. 😀

    But in parting, I recommend you to get one or more of the Rori programs and follow them. If I were you I would contact Rori and ask for her advice. I believe she would help you and also tell you which program is best for you to do now. Meemee, I strongly encourage you to do this.

    You might not be hearing from me but I’ll be sending you positive vibes and I’m putting a little sticker for you in my agenda. I’d be happpy to know in three months you were on a whole new path.

    All the best to you and your future.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  105.  #105Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 8:30 am

    @97: tinque says:
    “SLV – the only picture I get is a honey bear I used to use for my face massage treatments but in giant form.”

    Tell me more.

    Where are you now? I hope you are feeling better today. I’m on East Coast and I have a few sniffles but feeling well.

    SLV



  106.  #106Lorelei on December 21, 2010 at 9:05 am

    I may be offline rather a lot over the Christmas and new year holidays . . I’m hearing from both WaveMan still (almost every day, but he’s a long way away) and ZenMan (once or twice a week, he also some distance, physcially), but no more plans from them about about meeting up, though WaveMan is talking about another F2F.

    And I’ve just had another online CD (SongMan) pop up over the last few days, and as he lives very close to where I’m going to be staying for Christmas with my relatives, I’m going to have a coffee date with him while I’m away, as I am near “home” with my family, and it is convenient for me . . .

    Btw, I also solved my problem about what to wear for dates when there is snow and ice on the ground, and I feel bulky and unfeminine in my layers. I wrap up cosily in as many layers as I need to stop my nose turning red, topping off with a fun Fairisle cardigan than ties around the waist to help with shape. And then I IMAGINE/VISUALISE that I am wearing flowing silken robes, that swing out and flow behind me as I walk – it totally changes how I walk, and how I feel about myself, in all my actual layers of woollies. I feel my imagined goddess/siren robes making me feel warm, confident, soft, open, strong, inviting and sexy, feeling . .

    I may be able to look in occasionally over the next week and a half l but I wish you all the very best over the holidays, and for Christmas if you celebrate it, and for the New Year . . . I would never in a million years have believed my life could have changed so much over the last 12 months – much of it thanks to Rori and to you. I want to celebrate. I wish you all a new beautiful new year of your wings unfolding as you grow into being ever more beautiful sirens.

    Lots of love xoxoxox



  107.  #107Rosalie on December 21, 2010 at 9:11 am

    @ Femininewoman:
    WOW I can only say brava!!! 🙂



  108.  #108Leo on December 21, 2010 at 9:31 am

    @Femininewoman:

    Thank you lots for your reply.

    I, too, feel really strong and goddess-like at night and I feel proud of myself for not contacting him.
    In addition to that I felt very happy today: I was sitting in class and pulled out my phone and saw a message from him. It only said “Miss you” but I felt great. I was totally busy with something else, then read it – and felt good. Then I put the phone away and was able to focus on my class again. Such a great moment to me.

    I don’t feel good chasing after him either. I feel soooo much better when I get chased. So I need to give him the chance to do so. Cause him chasing me feels awesome. So by stepping back I actually think about myself again – cause me leaning back, makes him stepping up and me feeling happy 😀
    Such an easy equation.

    Right now… I totally believe it and don’t regard it as playing games. But earlier today…the nasty voice kinda won.

    Thanks for you comment!

    I feel awesome right now.

    And: I still have to work for half an hour (then he will be going to work) and afterwords we have a “public-viewing” in our university, good movie, and I will be busy seeing that film, eating pizza and doing things that are fun! ( = not worry about him)
    And when he wants contact – he has my number and can send me a message.

    I feel sooooo strong right now!

    Thanks gals!



  109.  #109Becky on December 21, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Hi Ladies,

    I need some advice here and quick because I am getting together with my ex-boyfriend in a few days- just to go out.

    Here’s our situation. We dated off and on for two years and I would always break things off because he would say he didn’t want a serious relationship leading to marriage at this time. In all other aspects, except for me feeling like our relationships would never be 100% committed, I really enjoyed his company and loved him. I was the typical Overfunctioner though in the relationship and thought I could prove just how wonderful it would be if he were to marry me. When I moved out of his house 6 months ago, I was certain I had done the right thing. I am 29 and I want to get married and have children one day and he says he’s “just not there” yet. I wish now though that I knew about Rori’s tools for commitment because I wonder if I hadn’t have given him an ultimatum, if things would have worked out differently. Maybe yes or maybe no. All I know is that I miss him a lot and I do wish that things could have worked out.

    He still wants to date me and have sex, even though he knows I’m dating other guys to find Mr. Right (I haven’t slept with anyone since we broke up). I told him though when we broke up that I would only have sex in a committed relationship and so that me and him could date but not sleep together. He hasn’t called much in the last few weeks but then yesterday called and said he’d like to go out this week before Christmas. During the last few weeks, I have been very tempted to call him because I really, really, really miss sex. I am going a little crazy without it actually. So, here’s where I need advice:
    if I do sleep with him while still circular dating, is he going to think I have no backbone and will it probably kill all chances (if there were any) of us getting back together? If I keep holding out on sex, then are the chances of him wanting me for something more serious a lot greater?



  110.  #110AmberS on December 21, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Rosa…?

    Isis…?

    Sia…?

    Soul Sista…?

    Sienna…?

    I hope you are all out enjoying life and thriving.

    You are all in my thoughts for different reasons.

    I’m wishing you much love and peace.

    Amber



  111.  #111Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Feminine Woman,

    RE: #4 – I tried that with one of the responders about asking them playfully if they are rapists or whatever. He said no, then in the next email he said, “Are you going to be naughty or nice?”

    So we’re back to the sexual thing.

    I agree, no craigslist. No internet dating.

    The way the rest of you don’t have this experience as much confirms my belief that most men who are attracted to plus size women are perverts. 🙁

    Solution? I have GOT to lose weight.



  112.  #112Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Ella,

    RE: #17 – BBW = Big Beautiful Woman

    That’s the acronym most people use in the US. Is there a friendly way people refer to it in your side of the world? 🙂

    As for my angry feelings, they are well-founded. I went through too many years (about 10, off and on, and mostly 5 years) where I was freely having sex with whoever I felt like having sex with. My experience has been that the vast majority of men just want sex – not commitment; not a relationship; not companionship. I felt disgusted how many men just wanted to shove their dicks in my face, even stating that was their favorite “position”. I believe a self-indulgent society has bred men who just want to passively get off without having any of the effort to produce pleasure; nor any of the commitment to produce a lasting relationship.

    In the end of 2007, I washed my hands of all men except Kenny, my exhusband. I felt lonely, but I felt safe in giving them up for a year.

    At the end of 2008, Ryan started dating me. He was a breath of fresh air, truly looking into my soul to get to know me as a human being, not JUST wanting a sexual relationship. His beautiful role modeling encouraged me to return to my original ideals of saving sex for marriage.

    I feel just as much sexual desire as ever, yet I feel at peace and content saving it for marriage.

    In this process, I have found men drop me like a hot potato, proving that they just want sex. I am partially delighted, because it is an excellent way to screen men! I only WANT a man who is interested in the real me inside.

    Like it says in the movie, “Never Been Kissed”, “Who wants to buy the whole ice cream cart when you’re giving out popsicles for free??” Inotherwords, if I am in agreement with having sex with no commitment, most men won’t commit.

    Over the years, my standards have gotten only higher. I don’t even WANT to marry unless a man loves me for the whole human being I am: spirit, mind, emotions, and body. If he doesn’t want to take the time to get to know the real me inside, he isn’t worthy of me.



  113.  #113Rachel on December 21, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Brenda,

    This doesn’t feel right. I think you’re experiencing a combination of the vibe that you are sending … which as Rori said can be subconcious …. and your expectation that men will be only be interested in you for sex.

    You’ve shared enough of your story that I know you have some painful past sexual experiences. What if you did some prayer/tapping/journaling/etc to clear out some of these memories and expectations.

    You are NOT the same woman! You have grown tremendously and have a beautiful heart and deep love to share. There are many men who would love you to pieces if they met you.

    Can you try writing a CL ad that really shares who you are? With no mention of your body? Maybe post a picture so that they can have their curiosity satisfied … but focus totally on your other qualities?

    Even if you don’t get the responses you hope for, I think it would be a good exercise to write an ad … I hate to see you write off all men as perverts just because you’ve had this experience. I don’t think it has anything to do with your weight.

    I feel that this is coming up now because NOW is when you are ready to heal in this area.

    Hugs!! Keep hoping and believing! You are a gift!



  114.  #114Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Meemee,

    RE: #18 – If I were you, I would give X a second chance IF AND ONLY IF he agreed to a PUBLIC relationship. No more secrecy.

    That requirement would be the boundary that would show if he was sincere or not.

    Also, if I were you, I would have a nonsexual relationship for a while, to prove him that way, also. If he truly loves You for YOU, he will be interested in spending time with you without sex.

    What do you think or feel?



  115.  #115Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 11:30 am

    @105: Brenda says:

    “Solution? I have GOT to lose weight…”

    Me too. I’m having a kick-off of “All Things 2011” on Monday December 27th.

    SLV



  116.  #116Meemee on December 21, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Sirens
    X had a very heated arguement with me. The bottom line was this.
    This is and will always be a secret.
    I think its over
    Thanks to all of you who helped me.
    Thanks a million
    Meemee



  117.  #117Meemee on December 21, 2010 at 11:35 am

    I am going off.
    This is too much for me to take.
    Once again he shouted at me. I was so paralysed i didnt know what to do.
    I still do not know how to draw the energy.
    I am pulling myself together.
    I hope I will succeed.
    Pls pray for me
    thanks again to all of you
    much love
    Meemee



  118.  #118Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 11:42 am

    @111: Meemee says:

    “…I still do not know how to draw the energy…”

    Meemee, if you are feeling weak… do it for your children…

    SLV



  119.  #119Simply Shannon on December 21, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Meemee, I’m sorry!! (((HUGS))) Praying for your strength and peace. You have your answers. No more wishing and wondering. He’s telling you the truth. Time to grow from this and move on to a man who wants to love you in front of the world!! Thank you X for clearing space for a wonderful man in Meemee’s life!!



  120.  #120LonePlum on December 21, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Meemee 110

    Hush, baby, it is going to be all right

    I send you love and I am hugging you, sweet meemee.

    You will be safe, let the tears roll

    Cry a river, baby, it washes the old dirt and tomorrow will be clean and shiny.

    xxx



  121.  #121Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    I am reading CL ads. Was it last night with the EMK vids or something Rori wrote…but the phrase “men don’t know what they want” is coming to mind.

    I seems that way when I read what some of these guys are putting in their ads. I wonder do any of them read the whole ad and not just the words? Do they understand the underlying message they send? The story the ads paint about them?

    Some of it is mind-boggling and not the sleazy stuff, that can be written off snap, snap. It’s the other that gives me the “what can he be thinking?”…then yeah, I know…he is NOT thinking.

    Ads like this one:

    xmas day – 36

    “…i am a single father with one child who will be at his moms place xmas day so i am searching for a lady that would like to go out xmas day. we could meet up do coffee or go out to a nice dinner then have drinks after. i am educated employed easy going. average height short light brown hair hazel eyes one tatt muscular build. if things go well it could be ongoing…”

    This is truly a guy living in the moment, the moment when he will be lonely on Christmas Day. Is he thinking of what kind of woman would want to spend Christmas Day meeting a stranger, a stranger who really appears interested only in one day?

    Or maybe he’s OK but a little awkward. I think he could use a dating coach!

    What do you think?

    SLV



  122.  #122LonePlum on December 21, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Simply Shannon 113

    Amen



  123.  #123Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #109 – What’s All Things 2011?



  124.  #124Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    (((Meemee)))

    Tight hugs…and fervent prayers for you.

    Did he say why it must be secret?

    Even tho I know this is a painful, difficult place, I am glad it got some definitive closure by him insisting it is to be secret.

    This is opening space in your heart for a new man, at your new place, and I am so glad you are leaving this job and won’t need to deal with him any longer. He will be out of your life completely.

    You can put him on the back of your horse, cherishing the good memories…learning from the bad.

    Love, Brenda



  125.  #125AmberS on December 21, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    SLV,

    That’s so sad it’s just short of… well, actually- it takes the cake. And the candles. Or the tree and the presents. Or something.

    I’ve has to stop myself on POF from replying to guys with pointers on what to LEAVE OUT of their profile, but my ex pointed out that if I help them, the next woman will be surprised when the guy she meets is nothing like the profile she read. Of course, this seems to be the case anyway… But he says it’s the early warning system.

    So… are you thinking of hanging up a shingle? I think you’d be a GREAT coach. GRIN.



  126.  #126Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    @117: Brenda says:

    “RE: #109 – What’s All Things 2011?”

    Brenda, that’s the slogan I’ve been using for making plans for the New Year.

    SLV



  127.  #127Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #115 – I hear a man who is alone and lonely and facing Christmas Day, hoping he can find a date at the last minute. I don’t find it offensive.

    How does it speak to you?



  128.  #128Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    SLV,

    Cool! I’m doing better overall, but this is a really tough area for me. I met a woman last weekend who lost 125 lbs thru taking Topamax for headache pain following a stroke. Weight loss and lack of appetite are side effects. She said she didn’t even try. She looked fantastic, about a size 12.

    I got all excited until I looked it up on the internet. It has a lot of serious side effects, too. So I don’t want to risk it. Which brings me back to changing my eating habits and exercise. I guess it’s like anything else: baby steps. And, I am taking those baby steps.



  129.  #129Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I am watching Ellen DeGeneres, and she is interviewing a model who used to be anorexic. She would eat 30-40 calories with chopsticks and eat about 20 laxatives a day. They showed modeling pictures, and her ribs show. She got down to 88 lbs. That’s a sad side of the spectrum, too.

    I felt really good when I weighed 150 for about 6 years and wore a size 12. I felt so healthy, energetic, and alive. I did it through fruits and vegetables. I am struggling cuz I am craving warm, soft comfort foods that are high in calories: pasta, stuff with high-fat sauces, etc.

    Baby steps.



  130.  #130Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    The anorexic woman’s book is called, “Unbearable Lightness”. I want to see Black Swan, about anorexic ballet dancers.



  131.  #131Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    119: AmberS says:

    “…ex pointed out that if I help them, the next woman will be surprised when the guy she meets is nothing like the 😳 profile she read. Of course, this seems to be the case anyway… But he says it’s the early warning system…”

    Your ex is right; it is “an early warning system.” 😯

    But as you said this one seems sad as though he’d like a nice woman in his life but has no clue how to make that happen. I find myself wanting to say, “no, no, no…”

    OTOH, I’ve seen a lot of jerk stuff from guys who I consider hopeless and from whom I hope the early warning signal is red, flashing and includes a bullhorn. 😆

    But I’m learning from reading the ads. I asked if anyone here has responded to ads instead of or in addition to placing their own ads. So far no responses from the sirens. It would be a help to all of us I think if we got some how-to or what-happened kind of stories.

    SLV



  132.  #132Femininewoman on December 21, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Meemee big hugs and lots of healing energy to you. Think about how you will handle yelling next time if it comes to you. Walk away in the midst of it saying I will not be spoken to like that. He might look you up and try it again. There is a message here, set your intention about what you want in your life. Write it down. Love and approve of yourself he does not decide your worth. This can be the first and last time for this type of thing if you decide to heal it.



  133.  #133Femininewoman on December 21, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    By the way Meemee two of you already know about it so it is not a secret. I have also found out that secrets only have power over me when I do not speak about it. As I speak it loses it’s grip. I know you said you were going off but I am writing with the hope that you will come back. Hug yourself like a little girl and tell her you love her and will take care of her. When I was hurting I crawled into my bed curled up and bawled, sinking into the feeling. When I was done I felt better. Trust me you definitely do not what a man who is yelling at you in your future. I know they can get hostile when they don’t get what they want but I believe it is indicating that they don’t have the power they are trying so hard to convince us they have. He is yelling because he realizes he has lost you and cannot just have his way anymore. Trust me you will heal.



  134.  #134Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    @121: Brenda says:

    RE: #115 – I hear a man who is alone and lonely and facing Christmas Day, hoping he can find a date at the last minute. I don’t find it offensive.
    How does it speak to you?”

    I’m not offended. I want to sit him down like a brother and tell him to plan things differently, put up some ads for meeting right now that indicate wanting to have a real relationship and he just might even a Christmas date for at least part of the day with somebody he meets tomorrow.

    Or if not–he’s late, oh so late–he might meet somebody he could at least touch base with on Christmas and have some fun in the next few weeks. And i’d tell him not to be in such a pressurized rush. This probably is not fair but when I read that ad I also got a bad impression of his lovemaking skills.

    SLV



  135.  #135Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    SLV,

    Good observations!



  136.  #136Simply Shannon on December 21, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    SLV, I feel intrigued by what you are reading into that man’s post. He’s just a dude who will be without his child on a particular day. Maybe that’s the only free day he has, the only day without his kid. I didn’t read anything sad or bad into it at all. He’s looking to have a date that day and it happens to be Christmas.

    I feel intrigued by this.

    I also didn’t read any sex connotations into Brenda’s “well-padded”. I felt pretty surprised that others did. It was just a weight comment to me. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Interesting. Reminds me that everything is about perspective and how *I* am reading something, i.e. what colored glasses *I* have on.



  137.  #137tinque on December 21, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Brenda – I know you didn’t mean offense, but…
    “Black Swan, about anorexic ballet dancers” this is not true.

    Though many in the past have succumbed to this devastating illness, much has changed over the years in the ballet world; it’s not the problem it once was along with the cigarettes and cocaine.

    Having been anorexic for a long time (and the disease goes FAR beyond the physical) I want you to know that’s it’s emotionally and spiritually very, very painful and insidious. These effects can linger well after a normal weight has been attained. They often never completely go away.

    Sadly the cure rate is around 5%. I consider myself not so much lucky as very powerful and determined.
    You have to WANT to get better, and even then it’s a huge struggle.

    And by the way, and maybe I’m totally wrong, but from what I’ve seen of the dancing…unless you’re interested in a woman cat fight kind of film, I wouldn’t suggest seeing it. It doesn’t seem a healthy or very real presentation of ballet or women.
    xxoo



  138.  #138tinque on December 21, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    As for your ad, I like the BBW, for that’s what you are, or how about gorgeous goddessy BBW?

    xxoo



  139.  #139LonePlum on December 21, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    103: Becky

    Well from where I stand, I don’t jump on the man.
    The man becomes sexual with me, he shows me his desire, not the way around
    So, as long as he has only invited me to a pre Xmas meeting, I don’t think of sex.
    He is a date

    I might be in love, I might wish he loves me and dies for my beautiful body loool, and wants to marry me, yet he is only a date.

    Cooooooooooooooool
    No fire in the house

    Yet, if he becomes sexual with me, I get severe with him.
    He is not respecting my words and boundaries, he is pushing his luck.
    I use my power
    I say “no”

    If he keeps pushing, I leave. I really leave.

    W ether I am in love or not is irrelevant: he is asking for sex although I said I wanted a committed relationship
    The situation is clear enough

    He knows what sex is like with me.
    He does not need to check any more;
    He is not checking, he is enjoying sex with no future in mind.

    You moved out hoping this will make him react
    May be he is reacting
    May be he is inviting you to check if he lost you
    Don’t ruin it, don’t jump on him.
    Don’t show him he will never lose you
    Don’t show him he can stay single for ever, you will always love him and give him sex.

    You were seeing him every day, you were living with him and all
    Now he does not even call you anymore, yet you would have sex with him the first time ever he wants to meet???????????????
    Where is the progress towards marriage?
    It would be telling him he can have it all with even less commitment than before

    You would step in the “friend with benefits” zone.

    This pre Xmas date could be the first step to the Rory’s way.
    You are still on time, who knows?
    Don’t speak about the relationship at all, there is no relationship left and it would pressure him.
    It would also show him you are still putting your life on hold for him.

    Be happy, enjoy your date and don’t become sexual with him.
    Tell him all the wonderful new things you are doing in your new life.
    Be a real fresh new date for him.
    Let him work for it. Let him wonder.
    Start afresh with some mystery.

    Wishing you a nice date 🙂

    xxx



  140.  #140Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    @130: Simply Shannon says:

    ” Maybe that’s the only free day he has, the only day without his kid. I didn’t read anything sad or bad into it at all. He’s looking to have a date that day and it happens to be Christmas.”

    If he only wants a date on Christmas that’s cool but better to have started earlier; many women are already scheduled because it’s just a few days away.

    If he wants more, a differently worded ad would serve him better; he’s pinning a lot on a first date.

    But there’s someone for everyone, isn’t there? Who knows, it could work out great.

    SLV



  141.  #141Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Tinque,

    RE: #131 – I said Black Swan was about anorexic ballet dancers because I saw an interview with one of the actors on TV. She was required to lose 30-40 lbs to play the part. She went from a healthy 128 or so to about 80-some pounds. That’s anorexic. That’s why I said that.



  142.  #142Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Tinque:

    I like that: gorgeous goddessy BBW

    At times my heading has read, “Queen-Sized Woman Who Likes to be Treated Like a Queen”. I’m all about that. I will feel much better about myself when I am fit again.

    I felt intrigued about the anorexic topic because, surprisingly, it’s very related to obesity. I could relate to a lot of what she said. I am well aware that it is far beyond physical.



  143.  #143Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Shannon,

    I appreciate your input on my comments.



  144.  #144Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    @135: Brenda says:

    “…She went from a healthy 128 or so to about 80-some pounds. That’s anorexic…”

    I’d like to see “Black Swan”; it sounds interesting. I don’t know much about it but I thought anorexia was something else, not only body size.

    Speaking of body size, local supermarket has the limited hagen dazs peppermint bark ice cream. That’s the one that tastes like Christmas. So I’m having a pint now and one on the weekend. Oh, I know…but it’s a holiday… 😆

    SLV



  145.  #145The Nikita Show on December 21, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Tinque,

    Yes, there was a bug going around-I heard of it in Seattle and midtown manhattan- it involves vomiting and ran two days-



  146.  #146The Nikita Show on December 21, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Brenda,

    I like Full-Figured Lady. It says everything in a nice formal, clean, well-mannered way without triggering the BBW reflexes(read:habitual ad headings for hook-ups). There is an entire community for BBW- dances,pornography,hook-ups-so there seems to be a sexual charge around the label.
    I feel a little concerned that the man may ONLY want BBW or Full-figured, so it seems important to communicate that you have a goal to be a size 12 for your own pleasure and are requesting that men accept you at ANY size.
    – btw, CL is notorious for sex…..so lots of sifting is to be expected along with patience and compassion. It’s every ones cry for love-even if it looks like your run of the mill cock pic 🙂



  147.  #147Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    SLV,

    Anorexia is about control and body image. My point was she was required to lose weight to be the size of an anorexic woman. She’s an actress. The actress isn’t anorexic. The character was.



  148.  #148Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Nikita,

    I really like what you said. I like “Full-Figured Lady” better than BBW, and I am thoroughly convinced now that CL is not the place to go for meeting a man.

    Most often, I express this idea in my postings and responses: “I have a goal to be a size 12 for your own pleasure and are requesting that men accept you at ANY size.”

    But I really like the way you worded it – perfect!



  149.  #149Nikita on December 21, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    I like the Xmas date guy. I’d be the type to respond. I’ve had first dates with guys on Xmas-(usually Jewish guys) and I applaud his balls for posting the ad



  150.  #150Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Here’s another CL ad. A good ad.

    He’s 76 and has some ill issues but he’s out there and still enjoying life down to the very last drop, my kind of guy.

    Brenda, I’m regarding this ad as a “sign” I must lose weight. This guy weights 140 pounds so I’m pounds heavier. I’d better trim down so as to have more options. I’d don’t think I’ll ever be so thin as to exclude myself unless person only wants BBW.

    ——————————–
    A special woman looking for me – 76

    “It is interesting being this age in years and nowhere near it in looks or emotions or way of being. I have great energy.

    I have been on my own for the last 5 years and sometimes I think maybe there is someone out there
    who is younger and looking for someone special, a friend, lover, mentor to be with sometimes or forever if it is in the cards.

    I am accomplished and am still working on feature film projects, writing and alternative healing
    using Homeopathy and Bach Flower Remedies.

    I was diagnosed with Hodgkin Disease and am rebuilding my body to deal with it in hopes that
    I will not have to do chemotherapy which is against my basic holistic principles.

    Currently I am a organic vegetarian but drink goats milk and goat yogurt.

    I have lived a full life with many great adventures and see no reason to stop now.

    I think you would be of average size, not fat. Short or tall or in between. I am 5’9″ and weight about 140lbs.

    I ride a bike, play the violin and mostly live a quiet life with periods hard work and excitement creatively.

    You would be healthy and easy going. You might be 420 friendly and even smoke although it is the last of the
    things i am giving up for better health. You would not drink much.

    I am a good mentor and motivator and would be most happy to help the right person realize their potential.

    Your age is what it is but your mind would best be curious, caring, supportive, patient and most of all relaxed and
    content in most situations. You would be your own person too and not be needy beyond a smile, some real contact
    and tons of good conversation about many things. You would be accepting of others who may not be your cup of tea.

    If you send a picture and something about yourself then I will reply with my pic and who I am.

    If this strikes you as possible please get back to me.

    Be well, …”

    SLV



  151.  #151Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    SLV,

    I had ginger snap ice cream with whipped cream! Yum! 😉



  152.  #152Nikita on December 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Brenda 🙂
    great!!! I feel so happy to be contributing in a way that seems constructive for you 🙂
    thx for the feedback



  153.  #153Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    #141: Brenda says:
    “She’s an actress. The actress isn’t anorexic. The character was.”

    That is a very dedicated actress but since not anorexic will probably regain weight. What did she do to lose all those pounds? It doesn’t seem healthy to make a big drop like that!

    SLV



  154.  #154Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Nikita,

    RE: #143 – Altho I had been acquainted with Ryan for over a year, my first real “date” with him was on Christmas Eve! It felt magical!

    He had called me Dec. 10th 2008 and we talked for about 2 hours on the phone, purely him asking me spiritual questions and me answering. I literally talked until my throat was hoarse, and I ended the call because I couldn’t talk anymore!

    Then he called me around 6 pm on Christmas Eve, just asking what I was doing. I was on my way home from playing Santa: I had spent the day wrapping gifts and then driving around delivering them to friends and family! I stopped for cookies, hot chocolate, and Scrabble at one lady’s house.

    I shared with him what I had just done, and he asked, “What are you doing tonight?” I said, “Nothing, would you like to come over?”

    He said, “Yes, I would.” (These were my pre-Rori days). I remember feeling amazed that I was home with a single man on Christmas Eve, watching a romantic movie and talking.

    I am hoping and praying that he invites me on a date on Christmas Eve this year.



  155.  #155Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    @145: Brenda says:

    “I had ginger snap ice cream with whipped cream! Yum! ”

    I’ve never had that one but i’ve been looking for the peppermint bark since I first had it couple months ago, I think i mentioned it here. 😀 It’s a limited flavor so surprised to see it today on sale 2 fer so I got TWO!

    I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll be good… 😳

    SLV



  156.  #156Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    SLV,

    Yes, it was unhealthy. I think she just ate one meal a day, something like that.

    Even if I were not a chronic overeater, I could never force myself to gain or lose weight to an unhealthy amount if I were an actress. I mean, if I were asked to get too skinny or bigger than I already am, I would say no thank you. My health is more important to me than most things. I so desire to lose weight for my health more than anything.



  157.  #157Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    @150: Brenda says:

    “I so desire to lose weight for my health more than anything.”

    Yea, Brenda. Let’s do it!!! in 2011!!! I’m going to take longer because I don’t lose easily also I don’t won’t to force it and don’t want to get too many sags and wrinkles either; things don’t snap back quite the same when “of a certain age.”

    I’ll be “babystepping” and taking inspiration from you. It will take me a whole year losing less than pound per week.

    SLV



  158.  #158Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    SLV,

    Deal, let’s do it! I heard that if you exercise faithfully while losing, it helps to not have sags and wrinkles. And lots of fruit keeps you well-hydrated to help with skin elasticity.

    I want to do mostly fruits, veggies, and protein powder.



  159.  #159Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    @152: Brenda says:

    “Deal, let’s do it!”

    OK, little sister, we can encourage each other. I’ll have to finish the ice cream first and the chocolate and some other stuff… LOL 😆

    “I want to do mostly fruits, veggies, and protein powder…”

    I’ve never used protein powder so I’ll have to learn a few things there. I’ll be doing like you heavy on fruits and veggies but also whole grains, healthier fats and higher protein foods.

    Mostly a whole foods diet but low in sugars and other high glycemic index carbs. Let’s see how it goes. I am a sugar fiend… so I expect some backsliding… 😳

    I’ve lost weight before about 20 pounds, once past the first month it’s not so bad, don’t have the dessert craving so much. That was years!!! ago, I have double to lose now.

    SLV



  160.  #160Laughing Goddess on December 21, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Brenda! I love your picture. Feeling touched by the radiance you exude in it.



  161.  #161tinque on December 21, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    “Anorexia is about control and body image.”

    It’s much more than this. The body image is a symptom. The control can be a coping mechanism for when her life feels out of her control.

    It really all comes down to fear. Abuse, abandonment, of growing up, especially if she didn’t get to be child, and maybe other things which aren’t coming to me right now.

    I heard the actress lost twenty pounds for the role which is still a lot since she’s not naturally big to begin with, but this much is not so bad.

    The younger you are, the easier it is to come back from this.

    xxoo



  162.  #162Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Brenda, I agree with what Rachel wrote …

    and I felt happy to read this: “I am thoroughly convinced now that CL is not the place to go for meeting a man” as a change from what you wrote before that: “no craigslist. No internet dating.”

    As Nikita mentioned, CL has a more sexual reputation than a lot of other sites like match, eharmony, pof. So I felt bad when I first saw you throwing out all internet dating bc of CL. (It also seemed like self-sabotage… like an excuse….?)

    I also agree with Nikita about the connotations of BBW and I do like “full-figured” as a respectable alternative! 🙂

    I felt bad reading this: “The way the rest of you don’t have this experience as much confirms my belief that most men who are attracted to plus size women are perverts.” …. bc you are jumping to the conclusion that “most men who are attracted to plus size women are perverts” based on “evidence” that has so many DIFFERENT possible interpretations!

    You are interpreting the circumstances through the filter of your belief.

    “Confirmation bias” — we selectively perceive things in such a way as to confirm what we already believe.

    What would happen if you changed that belief about men who are attracted to plus-size women?

    Love you!!!



  163.  #163Daria on December 21, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Also, some ladies, depending on region also, have great dates from CL

    I know Mary put down

    “Coffee and Brisk Walk” and got lots of enjoyable dates in her area.

    In my area at least as far as I know, CL Does have a sexual reputation.



  164.  #164Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    @157: Daria says:
    “I know Mary put down ‘Coffee and Brisk Walk’ and got lots of enjoyable dates in her area…”

    Yes, it was this ad idea that inspired me to check out CL! I think it worked well for Mary.

    I don’t know her location. I live in a large city. There’s plenty of sleaze in my local CL but some very nice ads too.

    There is an extreme mix! Heavy on the sleaze.

    Still wondering if any sirens are responding to CL ads as well as placing them.

    SLV



  165.  #165Turtle Girl on December 21, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    SLV-#158
    I have used CL off and on. I placed and ad with my picture about a year ago and got over six hundred responses from men. It took me three weeks to go through them all. Out of those I got maybe two men I wanted to date. After you go through the culling I had a bunch that were sleeze, with naked pictures and trash talk, then a bunch totally out of my age range. Some more that are too far away to date. I don’t do LDR’s. Then a few are out of age range. Then some are just compeltely dorky, no social skills, never been married at 55 and there’s a reason for that or they are not my type at all.
    Then you get nice guys close by who are the right age range, etc., but just not anything in common. So I ended up with two. And those did not end up being my “One and only” but it was good pratice for cd’ing.
    I respond to a few CL ads, but I agree with RR-let them respond to you. Every time I was the respondee it did not work-the vibe is all wrong. It’s that man chase, woman receive thing. If we respond it’s like we are chasing however subtle. It never worked for me. Same thing on dating sties like POF-if I respond, the guy never works out. It’s weird that way. The vibe is just different. I consider CL to be the “dregs” of internet dating. Singles sites are way better. Better quality men and less borderline porn kind of stuff. But you never know. I dated a man who responded to one of my CL ads for almost 5 months and he was a sweetie.

    All in all it’s just like anything else, a numbers game so to speak. But to get the one, you have to get out there and date. So I do. Right now, though I am on a man fast. Taking a break. No ads, no dating sites. Taking a holiday break, much needed.

    Went to my first knitting class-I loved it! I can see this being a new very expensive hobby……uh oh….the yarn textures are so yummy……and the patterns of various sweaters and shawls have me drooling over them! xxxooo



  166.  #166Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    Thanks for pointing that out, Daria. I do remember Mary reporting good experiences with her particular ad in her particular location.

    For me, when I hear “Craigslist,” the first thing that comes to mind is “The Craigslist Killer” — bc they have been advertising the movie for weeks now on TV. *Shiver.* The second thing that comes to mind is sex — hook-ups, prostitution, etc. The third thing that comes to mind is my sister’s success selling her kids’ outgrown clothes and toys through CL.

    “Relationship” does not come to mind at ALL when I think “Craigslist.”

    I imagine the same is true for many men as well.

    Although, yes, it’s probably not the same for everyone.



  167.  #167Daria on December 21, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    feeling pist

    there was a guy i told i was gonna call back last nite,

    but i was on the phone with another guy… and that took a long time cuz i was enjoying hte convo

    and then i went to sleep to wake up early to go to my community service

    so then i call the guy back today soon as i get done with my community service

    and hes all like, well you dont call people back… and im like i didnt get a chance to thats why im calling you now

    and hes like 3 days later

    anyways this has REALLy pist me off!

    and i didnt say anything…

    but i made a point to call him after community service and i feel like irritated and very angry

    i mean yeah i didnt call you back that night, but i dont actually HAVE to call you

    i can like, not call back at all

    i didnt mention feeling this way

    but i feel mad

    am gonna sink in for awhile



  168.  #168Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Daria, that has happened to me a few times too, and I felt angry, annoyed, and icky. I don’t want to feel Expected to call when they want me to and criticized when I don’t call according to their timetable.



  169.  #169Daria on December 21, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    i feel so angry!

    Lucy! omg

    i dont even want to see him anymore

    i feel like texting him that

    ugh

    i wish i had expressed it

    well

    when he calls me back i will

    i feel like he’s draining my energy with that

    ick!

    wtf?

    that does not turn me on



  170.  #170Daria on December 21, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    i feel guilty because i said id call him back in 10 minutes

    i dont liek it when GUYS dont do what they said they would

    but i dont harass them!

    ugh

    this feels BAD

    i feel angry!

    im not even a guy!

    wtf?

    and this guy annoys me

    he alwasy complains about how i dont appreciate what his effort for me (what?)

    how am i supposed to appreciate it besides saying thank u

    fu9ck off asshole



  171.  #171Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Daria, I realize I’m putting the blame on the guy with these words, but when that happened to me, I felt like he was trying to control me and own me… and that did NOT feel good.



  172.  #172Daria on December 21, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    wtf i just attracted another annoying guy on FB!

    i feel reallhy hot face

    i love my hot face

    and that feels like

    tight under my nose

    and in my spleen

    i love the tightness under my nose

    and in my spleen

    that feels like a yawn

    i love my yawn

    that feels like

    squeeze in my left ovary

    i love my left ovary

    and that feels like a half yawn

    i love my half yawn

    and taht feels like

    relaxationg

    omg i was in a great mood and now

    well im still in a good mood

    but a lil got lost

    i love my lostness mood

    and that feels like

    tightness in my throat and under my leg

    and that feels like

    FURY

    i love my fury

    and that feels like

    yawn

    i love my yawn

    i feel angry

    this guy is always complaining that i dont call him dont appreciate him etc

    wtf guy

    ugh

    turn off

    anger in my pancreas

    i love my pancreas

    and that feels like

    squeeze in my bladder

    i love my bladder

    and that feels like

    relaxing

    i love my relaxing

    🙂



  173.  #173Rosa on December 21, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    104 Amber ,

    Here! present ! very sad last 2 days – realised it was the pills my doc gave me for severe flushing , waking up crying for MAN-ure …

    CRAZY ! My poor li’il ole brain is marinating in drugs and hormonal mayhem…uuughh…but i was reading Lone Plum to Becky just now , and that is SOOOOO me and G – WASSSSSSS – and never again shall be so , Amen .

    Dont do it Becky!!! He’s man -crack , you are a junkie!!! Yank that needle outta your arm girl !!!!!!!

    MAN-ure got me back for sex when i was sick and seriously post-op and seriously scared and it was my 51st Birthday and he USED all that then yelled ..NEXT !

    Sorry to be rep[etetive but I get concerned when I see sirens setting themselves up as I did .

    I am OK Amber – doing some Xmas baking.
    Went o POF here in Aus and lots of interest being shown. I justy have to now face my new physical self actually going on a date ..I am feeling very very unsure and scared , but I know they are only dates, its not like I have to rip my top off , right???

    I feel so SCARRED , I AM scarred , I have red lines and no nipple on one side . (YET- maybe in March)

    So , still here ..just marinating Amber.

    I hope YOU are having a great week with father and daughter ! Are you dating?



  174.  #174Rosa on December 21, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    In am making sugared almonds to give as gifts , and shortbread stars and something amazing called Alfajores
    http://www.lifestylefood.com.au/recipes/11509/alfajores-spiced-nut-and-fruit-biscuits

    and I am making the Magic bars , was that you Shannon?
    I loved the soind of them ..



  175.  #175Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Brenda, I just looked at your pof profile — I really like the vibe that comes across! We need to get you some new pics, though. How about we plan on doing that after the holidays? We can use my phone camera — pics come out good with it and it won’t cost us anything. 🙂

    Also, it would feel good to see “dancing” added to your list of interests — I remember you telling me you love to dance, and it would add extra fun to your profile.

    What do you think?



  176.  #176Rosa on December 21, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    OK Everyone Sing Halleluja!!!!!!!!

    The Universe just dropped a letter in my mail box with a LARGE cheque , we are talking a couple of years salary ..trauma insurance for cancer …

    THANK YOU , Thank you , thank you , pay my debts , and money for my sons education , thank you !!!!!!!!

    The relief is shining through every cell and I am now glowing with joyfulness….



  177.  #177Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Hugs, Rosa.



  178.  #178Lucy on December 21, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Wow, that’s awesome about the money!!!



  179.  #179Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    Hey sirens.
    I tried to change my name but the fates will not allow. The posts dissapear when in moderation. Who knows?
    Any who…………..
    MeeMee
    This man yelled at you!?!?!?!?
    OH!
    IT IS SOOOO OVER!
    Men do NOT get to yell at godessess.
    He just showed you his true self.
    This dude sounds narcassitic to me. Does he have a wierd relationship with his mamma? Like creeepy?
    Thankfully he showed you now rather than in another few years.
    You cry honey….you blog it all out, we will be here to support you and hold you and love you. You are safe here.
    And thankfully….since energy attracts energy….this guy is gonna get some NASTY surprises in his life.



  180.  #180Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    ROSA!!!!
    AYMEN SISSTA!!!
    The universe is a goooood place!



  181.  #181Rosa on December 21, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Meemee – he is an utter CREEP

    He is like a child who has his candy snatched away , he is having a TANTRUM .

    But he is a nasty scheming manipulating , slithering kind of baby man who is trying every line in his extensive repertoire to EXERT POWER over you. Poet, lover, director, child, misunderstood, etc etc ..give him the script and he plays it , but now you see thew real him , angry controller…

    I dont even think its about the sex – he will have other secret women givijng him that..its a POWER TRIP over you…thats my opinion anyway..

    GO MEEMEE , GO

    Getting outta there is your smartest move yet ..i love you !!!



  182.  #182Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    159: Turtle Girl says:

    “SLV-#158
    …I respond to a few CL ads, but I agree with RR-let them respond to you…”

    I made note of the post about OKcupid although I never totally figured out the application process or the routine. 😆 I also was thinking that the responding worked both ways.

    I’ll go back and take another look at that post. Does Rori have any other posts I can check about online dating?

    “All in all it’s just like anything else, a numbers game so to speak. But to get the one, you have to get out there and date. ”

    Yep. I’m thinking I might get one or two per ad but I’ll only really know by testing.

    “Went to my first knitting class-I loved it! I can see this being a new very expensive hobby……uh oh….”

    Wow!

    Did you join http://www.ravelry.com/ yet? It’s truly amazing and free to join. Check it out. Have you decided on a project?

    Something simple, if this is your first project, could be fun and look nice if you have interesting yarn. Last night friend asked to see scarft I knit last year and now she wants to learn to knit and that scarf was a very easy garter stitch scarf knit with big needles. I didn’t even put fringe on it, made it one night while I was watching TV. 😆

    SLV



  183.  #183Rosa on December 21, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Thank you Jennifer , God/Source/Universe is making up to me for some rough times and giving me a recharge so i can get down to the real think I am supposed to be doing ..

    (If I just knew what that was …:) )



  184.  #184Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Bloggin it all out.
    Bla bla bla
    Told judo man he was naughty for sending me half naked pics with sword on full moon night….naughty.
    He replies ooops! Sorry about that 😉
    I say………now why don’t I believe you are sorry?! LOL! I always learn so much when I talk to you.

    Was at mom and dad’s the other night…………they’re talkin about getting a house with brother. Dad looks at me and says…….”do you know what we are talking about?” I says..”brother and I talked in the driveway but I dont’ know the specifics.”
    Dad says………”well if we’re doing your brother a favor, we’re gonna be doing you girls a favor too.”
    I told him that was nice but I wasn’t sure how he was gonna do that. He says he has his ways.
    I dunno Y’all.
    $100K – $100K = 0
    ya know?
    Whatever.

    Hey Shannon…………how are B and judo man CD’s?
    B just emails me……..does he count?
    Judo man never takes me anywhere.

    My cousin says she wants to introduce me to her co-worker. E.
    I dunno. The last coworker stood me up.
    She says he’s ” a big guy who loves sushi, looks like he should be in a kilt and is a bit tubby in the gut”

    Um…like…….really?
    Is this how we “sell” people?
    So, I told her to give him my cell…….he calls…..he dont’ call………whatever.



  185.  #185Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Hey MeeMee….
    What Rosa said…she said it better.
    But the most important part
    RUN MEEMEE RUN!!!
    Dis is a BAAAAD MAN!



  186.  #186Senior Lady Vibe on December 21, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    170: Rosa says:
    OK Everyone Sing Halleluja!!!!!!!!

    Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
    Hal-le-lu-jah!
    For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth.
    Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

    SLV



  187.  #187Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    hey i have a cd tonight and i am very excited to hang out with this guy but i have one question please!

    he keeps saying we’ll get some coffee before we go off to somewhere else. he means to go smoke some ganj or on some adventure, which is cool and all but i’d really like to keep the whole date under an hour and i don’t want him coming in my home to smoke ganj nor am i really interested in doing that as a date activity.

    what to do/say to this guy about cutting the date short? i do like him and i’m sure i’ll enjoy myself, but i don’t want to be out more than an hour.



  188.  #188Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    “Gee guy…I’m really excited to go our for our date. I feel kinda worn out right now since I’m just getting over a bug, It would feel great to just stay out for an hour. What do you think?”



  189.  #189Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    thanks jennifer! i am going to use that i think. although that’s kind of a lie. i feel uncomfortable spending oodles of time with someone on a first date.



  190.  #190Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    But is not a lie….yes, padewan?
    you have been ill? YESH!



  191.  #191Daria on December 21, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    i would feel better to have a shorter time for tonite.. i dont like to spend lots of time on a first date… i feel better in steps… and i really like u… what do u think



  192.  #192Jennifer on December 21, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    And Daria SCORES!!!



  193.  #193Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    daria thats pretty good thanks
    it feels soooo exposed and open omg scary

    it feels like i’m a loser by saying that. like i am expecting something to develop so i want to do it “right” so i am desperate if i am expecting smoething to develop

    thats not true of me but i feel afraid of being misunderstood



  194.  #194Daria on December 21, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    well i would expect that you expect something to develop or else you wouldnt be giving him a shot



  195.  #195Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    maybe. hmmm.
    ok i checked in with myself and mostly i am just meeting up with him for the practice and to feel good around him, yum. relationship or repeat date isn’t something that comes to mind right away. but i don’t want him to think i don’t like him because i don’t want to hang out all dang night lol



  196.  #196Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    i am also learning more about mmyself by cding. like i don’t mind if the man asks me where i would like to. the rulesy part of me worries and tenses up, but really, he is asking me where i would like to go because he wants to make sure i will enjoy myself. that’s really nice:) if i don’t want to decide, i can just tell him, i don’t want to decide..whatever you pick will feel fun and good to me!



  197.  #197Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    LG,

    RE: #154 – Thank you! What a sweet thing to say!



  198.  #198Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #156 – I know, I’m jaded. But as I write, I’m on the phone with a new CD (from CL) who is 30 and attracted to me! 🙂 He sounds really nice!

    And guess when we are meeting? Christmas Eve or Christmas!



  199.  #199Simply Shannon on December 21, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Dorothea, why not just wait and see how you feel when you’re with him? When it’s been about an hour, you can say “It feels so good hanging out with you but I feel ready to go home. I don’t want to stay out too long. What do you think?” No explanation required.



  200.  #200Simply Shannon on December 21, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Rosa! Woohoo to money in the mail! You are gonna LOVE the Magic Cookie Bars. Divine goodies for the Sirens! 😉

    Jennifer, Any man you talk to is technically a CD. It doesn’t have to be a “date”. EVERY interaction with a man counts. Baby steps to using feeling messages with EVERY man, going-out-date or not. Even interactions with women or family are practice.



  201.  #201Brenda on December 21, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    He’s actually moving too fast, in terms of relationship! We’ve had one phone conversation, and he’s talked about having children, buying a house, and asked me to stop looking up other men. He’s already asked me out for New Year’s Eve, too.

    I would say he strikes me as the serial first dater Jason talked about, who is all about becuming exclusive with a woman on the first date because he’s too insecure to hope it could last for a second date.

    I said I need to go three times before I actually got him off the phone. But all in all, I felt comfortable with him. He was not pushing me sexually, and that has become a huge red flag for me when men do, so I felt good to know he wants a real relationship.



  202.  #202Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    thanks shannon. that is the winner advice lol. i shall do that.



  203.  #203Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    so odd, now that i am all dressed up and cute, i want to see LI to show myself off to him. now i miss him and feel longing for him, and am even considering leaning forward to him after this date with a different cd tonight. i mean, i probably won’t do that. but i do feel like it.

    i am so silly!



  204.  #204Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    i’ll be back! muahahaha



  205.  #205Katnina on December 21, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Yay Rosa! Feeling very happy for you that you don’t need to worry about money for now!



  206.  #206Rori Raye on December 21, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Kelly – Share with him that you’ll be accepting invitations from other men, but not sleeping with them, while he’s figuring out what he wants to do – and that you’re totally okay with him taking as much time as he needs. Ask him what he thinks…Love, Rori



  207.  #207Katnina on December 21, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Hi Brenda, I’ve gotten some icky sex vibe messages on okcupid.com, and I blocked the people who send me messages that make me feel icky, so they can’t message me again. I don’t know if that is possible on craigslist, but okcupid is free also and may be worth a look if you are interested. I’ve met some nice guys thru there as well, and it’s fun! They have quizzes and stuff that are cute and entertaining.

    I think Evan Marc Katz had a post called ‘Men look for sex and find love, women look for love and find sex.’ I’ll try to find it & post a link her, it was pretty enlightening!



  208.  #208Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    i am back! that was fun! i practiced tools as much as i could catch myself getting into my head. he kissed me goodnight but it was a tiny little kiss. i wanted more. ah well.

    i used shannon’s feeling message about it getting late. hooray. i love you ladies.

    he was raving so much about how much he likes me. actually, that freaks me out a bit. i tend to go out with guys who decide quickly i am the best thing since sliced bread, and then i feel unseen and more like a happy idea and not a real person to them. anyway, this is my own issue. i shall feel through it.



  209.  #209The Nikita Show on December 21, 2010 at 10:47 pm


  210.  #210Gina on December 21, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I feel scared of failure. I hate it when people aren’t happy with what I give them. Tonight, my dance students were mad because I didn’t manage the time well enough and they didn’t accomplish our goal of being able to dance new moves around the room. I was excited cause I was teaching something new for me – something I don’t usually dance or teach. But I didn’t stick with my original plan cause I had a little epiphany in class, but then I wasn’t able to fully execute it well enough. Some students seemed super eager to get it down next time. And others just seemed frustrated that I didn’t do a good enough job. And I feel bad that I didn’t. I just didn’t have the experience. I know that next time I would be able to nail the lesson excellently. And that feels good. I forgive myself for this learning experience. I forgive myself. Phew…tough…And one of my students, I had a dream about him where he was pressing himself against me while nuzzling his face in my boobs and then he thanked me. And I felt weird about it when I woke up. I definitely get sex vibes from him AND his wife – I thought they were propositioning me for a while. But it seems like she got the hint that I would never be up for that sort of thing. And she seemed to sense that I maybe would be into her husband. But I DONT want anything with her husband. At all. I just want to teach dance lessons. But I felt his sex vibes and, maybe under different circumstances, I would be attracted, but Im NOT. And she seemed jealous cause he is wanting to come to dance class all the time and she is feeling bad cause she is missing out on dinner times with her teens when she comes to dance 2-3 times a week. Tonight she left in a huff cause she felt overwhelmed with holiday stuff (but he stayed). And then her husband told me all about it. And I’m thinking TMI!!! I just want you people to be happy!! I have 2 other students (at least) who are making innappropriate overtures. Meanwhile, my classes are in danger of being canceled due to low attendance from the holidays and I feel UGH!!! I had hoped that D would come through as the knight in shining armour to save me from this pressure to be successfull at a job, so I could focus on building a family, but he has just been annoying me. So freakin annoying. He’s leaving in a few days. I told him last night that I don’t want anymore small talk with him, and that I don’t care to hear from him unless he has something to offer. cause he texts me things like “bueno.” or “Bueno!!!!!” or “what are you doing.” even though he’s not trying to see me or be with me or anything, and it just pisses me off. Last time I saw him, he talked about wanting to be together some day, and I felt good in some ways, but pissed cause it feels like he’s playing games and punishing me. Then he had some big birthday party that he didn’t invite me to. I told him that I felt sad that I wasn’t included. But then I said that I felt like maybe it was for the best since I know it was probably another sloppy drunk fest. I wonder if he has some new chick. He apparently isn’t in love. but I still feel jealous. I feel good that I didn’t give up my life to go move with him. Thank goodness. but at the same time I wish that I DID want to. so I’d be off the hook (with having to define my own purpose in life). I feel sick and tired of failure. Some say I just haven’t followed through with different ideas. but I feel like I tried things that didn’t really work. And all along the way, I’ve discovered that I’m capable of lots of different things. the idea of buckling down and fully focusing and committing to one thing sounds boring and awful in a way. Shablah! Any business in depth sounds frustrating. Though, recently, my friend and I have gotten excited about the idea of opening up a wellness center. Could be cool. i feel embarrassed admitting it cause I worry that it would just be one more failure. Blah. I love myself for wanting so deeply to change the world. I forgive myself for feeling paralyzed. I feel willing to make baby steps. Hmm…maybe I need a career coach – someone like Rori, but for careers….



  211.  #211Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    gina, siena is a business coach. i havent done coaching with her but she has offered advice and guidance here before and i felt blown away by her approach. i think you might really like it. hit her up!

    and hugs for how youre feeling right now. <3



  212.  #212Gina on December 21, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    I feel narcisstic and embarrassed wanting to change the world. Like “who am I” to do such a thing?

    Anyone read “The Secret History of the World?” this book is TRIPPING ME OUT!!!!

    Daria, it talks about how shamans are of a lower energy level, even though they do have direct access to the spiritual world – I feel like that’s what pot does. It gives spiritual connection but it can open demonic portals that don’t want to close and such. Creepy!!! and yet I want to smoke. The idea that pot offers connection to a lower spiritual realm rings true for me. What do you think???



  213.  #213Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    i try to change the world all the time. sometimes i actually manage to really do it. go for it!



  214.  #214Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Lakshimi, I saw your request in the other thread and I would very much like to share my info with you. If you’re around this thread, knock twice 😀



  215.  #215Gina on December 21, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    Yeah, dorothea, I have been amazed at what is possible when i feel good.



  216.  #216Dorothea on December 21, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    i mean geez you were in a major commercial ad campaign..how’s that for starters when it comes to not forgetting that you’ve got nothing to be embarassed about. you can do big thangs, clearly!

    what happened with the magazine?



  217.  #217Gina on December 22, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Crap! I just realized something. When I saw the movie “Inception” I believed that the producers were evil villains who were incepting the idea that perhaps reality is a dream into the mass consciousness. And causing us to play out our reality in our dreams. Cause, for instance, my student and I had that interaction in my dream, and then I had another dream where his wife said “Gina, if I ever hurt you, let me know…okay?” and I said “have I hurt you?” and she said “oh yes very deeply you have hurt me.” and I said “what?” and that’s all I remember. But today, they both showed up and I gave her a christmas card and I had an embarrassing moment with a student where I forgot that I had just handed her a christmas card addressed to her. and so I put her name on a blank one that I had brought as extra in case someone showed up that I hadn’t planned for. Anyway, it was embarrassing cause I just had so many things in my head that I was just incapable of free movement. There’s a chick like that at work. She aways has an expression on her face about her thoughts, not about her actual interaction with you. The result is that she’s the drama mask – happy or sad. I feel scared that I know I can be this way. creepy.
    Anyway, I don’t know if this has anything to do with it at all except that she left and her husband said that she just had to go. And I asked if something was wrong and he said no that she just had to go. then at the end of his 2 hour dance class he told me that he had texted her “up for dance class tonight?” and she said “not really” and he said that he would feel bad canceling on me at this point. And she said “well I said I don’t feel like it, but I didn’t say I wasn’t going to go.” and now I’m realizing that she’s a woman who doesn’t feel like coming to dance class cause she’s got a million things to do and she feels pissed as hell that her husband is showing up to spend time with me. I think maybe I dressed to sexy. Or I look too sexy. I was wearing a sweater dress. Yeah, too sexy. I should always wear tights or something. It was hot out today. But i am just way to sexy. It’s causing wars. My skin is clear right now. if I manage my skin and my weight, I look effing amazing. And I’m not even bragging, cause my ego is the one that actually is messing everything up. But I gotta go – my roommate is saying she met a guy!! I hope this is good.



  218.  #218Lakshmi on December 22, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Dorothea, knock, knock!!! You’re a sweetheart. I had a period of time where I stopped eating sugar, dairy, refined carbs, most caffeine, and most alcohol, and ate lots of clean protein and organic veggies. I felt amazing, but damn, it was hard! My “stealth” email is surfmenina@hotmail.com if you prefer to use that.

    Also, to SLV, some years ago I responded to some CL ads and met a couple nice guys. I feel like CL just takes a tremendous amount of screening. I’ve used OKCupid some. The “sex” dudes would IM and I’d block them. I’m early 40s and I’d get 20 year olds saying “your still hot…” 1) They need to learn the difference between you’re and your and, 2) I felt like the subtext was “for an old lady!” But it made me laugh. Match runs specials sometimes so it’s not too expensive. I’ve met some really nice guys on there. My last “boyfriend” (pre-Rori!) was a surfer/Internet geek/biker guy w/tattoos from there. Went out with a scientist tonight I met there (all types!). Tonight’s guy was a 6th date, and I’m going to have to give the no girlfriend speech soon, I think. I feel nervous! I like him, but he doesn’t look the way I imagined “my guy” would look. I’m staying open… Another guy flew from DC to CA to meet me (I don’t usually do long distance but decided to be open…). We had an amazing time, and he bought me fabulous boots (I love boots!), but the distance… The boots thing worked for me post-Rori. In the past I would have felt uncomfortable, but I just let him provide and I didn’t feel like I “owed” him at all. … Back to Internet dating. I think it takes a lot of time to filter. And I’ve had phases where noone interesting emailed me, and then, for no apparent reason, a slew of cool guys would contact me. It takes patience and a certain lack of attachment to the outcome, I think. I feel good getting the attention, and I feel afraid of hurting men (Lucy, you’ve mentioned this). I also think the pickings are slimmer in certain geographic regions and depending on your age (got harder for me when I turned 40, and I have a friend who’s in her late 50s and it’s definitely harder for her now, but NOT IMPOSSIBLE).

    xoxo, Lakshmi



  219.  #219Daria on December 22, 2010 at 12:42 am

    Gina – I’ve started practicing smoking with intent. It really changed my relationship w weed.

    19 man was raised a rasta also so he helped me w insights, mainly told me I’m bringing the energy down when I had started complaining about the herb. He said basically that gearing thatcmade him feel bad as to him it’s sacred.

    That helped – I saw how I Was bringing the energy diwn.

    Weed really helps ne power up andcreceive insights and do energetic healings. There’s a ganja meditation on my blog .



  220.  #220Daria on December 22, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Gina – I don’t believe in evil. I believe demons are free spirits and especially old goddesses deemed bad by the conquering religion like Lilith.
    also I connect often to the Orishas.



  221.  #221Gina on December 22, 2010 at 1:40 am

    this book talks about how demons are really angels that process the soul. And I believe that’s true. Evil feels real to me. But I also think it’s all good in the end.



  222.  #222Rosa on December 22, 2010 at 4:07 am

    SLV -dont you love the Messiah? I used to be able to sing the soprano part- I might just make it a goal to sing it again next Christmas in a mass choir.



  223.  #223Brenda on December 22, 2010 at 4:11 am

    Evil is most powerful when it pretends to be good.

    Satan is the master of deceit. He is delighted when people believe he doesn’t exist. One of his favorite tools are weapons of mass distraction. Here are the words to a song by Keith Green, and it is Satan’s boast:

    NO ONE BELIEVES IN ME ANYMORE

    Oh, my job keeps getting easier
    As time keeps slipping away
    I can imitate your brightest light
    And make your night look just like day
    I put some truth in every lie
    To tickle itching ears
    You know I’m drawing people just like flies
    ’cause they like what they hear

    I’m gaining power by the hour
    They’re falling by the score
    You know, it’s getting very simple now
    ’cause no one believe in me anymore

    Oh, heaven’s just a state of mind
    My books read on your shelf
    And have you heard that God is dead
    I made that one up myself
    They dabble in magic spells
    They get their fortunes read
    You know they heard the truth
    But turned away and followed me instead

    I used to have to sneak around
    But now they just open their doors
    You know, no ones watching for my tricks
    Because no one believes in me anymore

    Everyone likes a winner
    With my help, you’re guaranteed to win
    And hey man, you’re ain’t no sinner
    You’ve got the truth within
    And as your life slips by
    You believe the lie that you did it on your own
    But don’t worry
    I’ll be there to help you share our dark eternal
    home

    Oh, my job keeps getting easier
    As day slips into day
    The magazines, the newspapers
    Print every word I say
    This world is just my spinning top
    It’s all like childs-play
    You know, I dream that it will never stop
    But I know it’s not that way

    Still my work goes on and on
    Always stronger than before
    I’m gonna make it dark before the dawn
    Since no one believes in me anymore
    Well now I used to have to sneak around
    But now they just open their doors
    You know, no one watches for my tricks
    Since no one believes in me anymore

    Well I’m gaining power by the hour
    They’re falling by the score
    You know, it’s getting very easy now
    Since no one believes in me anymore
    No one believes in me anymore
    No one believe in me anymore



  224.  #224Brenda on December 22, 2010 at 4:16 am

    Gina,

    They are fallen angels. They are very intelligent and thousands of years old. They attack mostly in the mind. The only force more powerful is from Jes*us, who rose from the dead to conquer them. Call on His name when you feel attacked.



  225.  #225Jennifer on December 22, 2010 at 4:37 am

    Brenda:
    Food for thought…………..that which we give attention to, we give power to.
    So IMHO; it is entirely possible that there is evil….I perceive it as extreme imbalance and if we spend all day looking for it and fearing, we are gonna find it. Better to spend all day exulting your Christ than the beings he was supposedly sent to conquer. Then HE gets your attention energy….and all the better.
    What do you think?



  226.  #226Jennifer on December 22, 2010 at 4:44 am

    woke up feeling off.
    Don’t care much for this feeling.
    Wasn’t able to figure out where it came from.
    Am now thinking it is criticism fatigue.
    Is this a “thing” Maybe.
    My sister put on her status on FB “Why am I on here? I have the best nephew in the world running around my living room.”
    This makes me feel tense.
    There have been several times when we were all together at mom and dads that I have jumped on FB to check in (I have no laptop of my own) and to play frontierville with little guy….especially if he gets cranky or into stuff hes not supposed to be in. He loves the music and growls at the bears.
    But my sister has had something to say about this in the past………..now I’m waiting for her to say something to me about her status. I commented “are you playing frontierville with him? He LOVES that game!”
    WHY would an innocuous status like that give me nerves?
    Maybe cause it feels like my sister and mother are taking every opportunity to criticize me lately?
    And is that even accurate?
    EVERY opportunity?
    Really, jen?
    But then…………..I FEEL criticized.
    So that MUST be valid. Unless I’m stuck in some sort of mental loop.
    I dunno.
    Maybe I just need a vacation……
    AWAY from my family.



  227.  #227Jennifer on December 22, 2010 at 4:48 am

    OH!
    BRENDA!
    I just read my post to you “supposedly sent to conquer”
    That comes off as so condescending to me upon review.
    I apologize. I do not want to disdain your beliefs at all…….
    Now I feel like a jerk.



  228.  #228marina on December 22, 2010 at 5:18 am

    Hello dear Sirens!

    How are you all doing?
    I hope you are all looking forward to Xmas!

    I had this sentence ‘I will be lonely this Xmas’ in my head (dunno why, just feeling a bit blue.
    Then I told myself, let’s twist it (like Byron Katie’s 4 questions in The Work)

    ‘I will be happy and be with my loved ones this happy and warm Xmas’
    Now that feels so much better!
    Soon after that my Mum called to ask if I wanted to spent Xmas @ my Granmda’s place and even BF4 asked: Shall we do something special this Xmas (he is Muslim so he doesn’t have a family tradition around Xmas).

    Is that the law of attraction :)?

    Wish y’all a very happy and warm Xmas

    Love, Marina



  229.  #229marina on December 22, 2010 at 6:05 am

    Well, let’s see of this gravatar thing is working….

    Did any of you ladies see ‘Burlesque’ (with Christina Aguilera and Cher) yet? It is supposed to be a very Sireny movie.

    I wonder what Rori has to say about ‘Burlesque’ :)?



  230.  #230snowqueen on December 22, 2010 at 6:32 am

    I’ve been seeing a guy since April and it’s going ok considering we’re both quite challenged by things that have happened in our pasts. But somehow we keep muddling through and the more I practice the Rori Raye tools with him, the better it gets. Somehow I managed to turn around a situation which triggered intense jealousy and fear in me into one where I will be meeting him in Cambodia for a 2 week holiday in February (he’ll be travelling for 9 weeks in total). Sex is one of the less interesting things in our relationship which is a real departure for me and possibly him too. We spend more time talking and cuddling. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong because it’s not about chemistry and sex but reading this post and similar ones on other sites really helps. I’ve come a long way since last year when I found myself virtually clawing at a man to keep him close to me and then suffering a devastating sense of loss – and I’d only known him 6 weeks and we’d not even gone further than one kiss!! I knew something had to change. Now I have such a different relationship with myself. I know much more clearly what I want and what I’m worth and that I have options. I love CD and using men as therapists – what a brilliant technology!! At a party recently I just lapped up the attention from all the men – not in a prurient way, but more about feeling womanly and attractive and deserving of attention.

    yeah being a man magnet instead of a sex magnet, I like it …



  231.  #231Tmizz on December 22, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Hi! It’s been so long since I’ve commented here, but I guess I was concentrating on dating and life, etc. Finally, I check back in, because I was having a frustrating moment, and of course this post was completely relevant to everything I was going through! Thank you, Rori!

    I agree that it is really hard to ask a guy to wait for sex. Even if you really believe in what you’re asking for, and I think that has to do with how strong their sex drive is, and, like Rori said, the fact that, for most of them, it’s not meant as an insult, but as a compliment. It’s how they want to “take care of you.” So it’s a little hard to tell them that what they want to do instinctively is not actually what you want. Especially when, on some level, you probably want it too.

    But I think, depending on your personality style, waiting really can be the best thing. I struggle with this because I know this about myself and yet – I have a very healthy and strong libido that absolutely loves to get turned on by a guy who really wants me!

    So last night, I was going to write with a lot of frustration about my most recent date. We’ve been on four dates in 3 weeks, and on the fourth date, we spent the night together, but purely for convenience reasons, and NO sex. I told him at that time that I wanted to wait, and he seemed okay with it. But afterward, I started to feel really anxious. Was the cuddling and petting too much? Was it too intimate, too soon? Not enough? Did he really just want sex, and would he ever want to see me again? What if he thought I was a total head case?

    These are all the things that were going through my mind, while my stomach was churning. I didn’t feel much like eating or sleeping, and I was SURE that it was over. Just when a nice guy showed up!

    It didn’t help that I emailed him twice, and didn’t hear back. Finally, I sent a third email, saying that I was sad that I hadn’t heard from him, I really enjoyed spending time with him, and if he didn’t want it to continue dating that it was okay, but if he did, then maybe we could talk about what our expectations were. Also, I sensed that it was too early on to start talking about making a commitment, so I just said that we could take it easy and “see where it goes.” I felt much better after sending that email. I still had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe it was all over. But I decided that I didn’t really know that for sure. And also, I had said what I needed to say. At that point I was able to “step back”, get my bearings, and through this whole time, I took care of myself. I did nice things for me, I watched a movie I wanted to see, I wrote in my journals and I called my friends.

    Last night, while I was in the middle of writing out my frustration about how distressing the whole situation was – especially the part about sex – he called me! And he said the sweetest things. He liked me. I was fun and beautiful. He liked cuddling, and he wanted to see me again and “see where things go.” We even set a date!

    So I was surprised, pleasantly, and a little tickled to learn that while I was “freaking out” about never hearing from him again because the sex thing, he was busy having his own “freak-out” moment about things moving too fast and his life changing more than he was ready for. So Rori was right – it’s not all about the sex! That wasn’t even the first thing on his mind. It was just the first thing on MY mind! So I guess we can see who’s mind is in the gutter 😉

    Basically, due to all this, I just want to say to “Angela” and anybody like her (or me) that there is a little bit of hope! There ARE guys out there who will respect your wishes, and will listen to you and respect you, even if they really want to sleep with you. I think it helps if you respect them yourself, AND accept your sexuality, even if you DO want to wait. And also, I am just so, so, so, so happy, because I did several nice things for myself. Instead of moping over my last boyfriend, I went out and started dating right away. And this guy is possibly the kindest, most genuinely nice guy I have ever dated, if not ever met. And he’s really sexy, friendly, and attentive. But not overly so. I was worried that it would be over too quickly when I felt like I had finally found someone who was actually a good guy, and didn’t seem to have any “issues.” I guess that shows how far I’ve come! ; ) He might not be the last guy I ever date, but certainly a lot of progress. And now I’m not worried anymore. Because I gave him a chance to come toward me, and…he did!

    So I know you can do it, too, just like Rori says! 🙂



  232.  #232Senior Lady Vibe on December 22, 2010 at 8:40 am

    @218: Lakshmi says:

    “…Also, to SLV, some years ago I responded to some CL ads and met a couple nice guys. I feel like CL just takes a tremendous amount of screening. I’ve used OKCupid some.
    … Back to Internet dating. I think it takes a lot of time to filter. And I’ve had phases where noone interesting emailed me, and then, for no apparent reason, a slew of cool guys would contact me. It takes patience and a certain lack of attachment to the outcome, I think…”

    “…I also think the pickings are slimmer in certain geographic regions and depending on your age (got harder for me when I turned 40, and I have a friend who’s in her late 50s and it’s definitely harder for her now, but NOT IMPOSSIBLE)…xoxo, Lakshmi…”

    I’m older than you and your friend but I plan to give it a try.

    Right now I’m thinking of my response to an ad as similar to what I would do in a “five-second eye gaze.” Then a guy could approach me and everything could proceed as usual. 😀

    Thanks, Lakshmi, for sharing your experience.

    xoxoxo
    SLV



  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on December 22, 2010 at 8:48 am

    @230: snowqueen says:

    “…but more about feeling womanly and attractive and deserving of attention.
    …yeah being a man magnet instead of a sex magnet, I like it …”

    Yes, this is what I am these days… “womanly.” 😀

    SLV



  234.  #234Senior Lady Vibe on December 22, 2010 at 8:58 am

    @222: Rosa says:

    “SLV -dont you love the Messiah? I used to be able to sing the soprano part- I might just make it a goal to sing it again next Christmas in a mass choir…”

    Yes, I love it. How lovely to have a good voice. I could barely manage second soprano but I sang my little heart out in high school Christmas choir. 😀

    SLV



  235.  #235Brenda on December 22, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Jennifer,

    RE: #225 – I totally, 100% agree. And I do focus on Je*sus. I was addressing what the other women were discussing. His power is above all.



  236.  #236Turtle Girl on December 22, 2010 at 10:51 am

    SLV-

    No I have not decided on a project. Right now so green just practicing on my cast on and knit and purl. You can teach an old dog new tricks, however, learning them takes longer and goes much more slowly. :o)

    Thank you so much for the link. I joined Ravelry, very cool. Free is good.:o)

    xxxooo



  237.  #237Senior Lady Vibe on December 22, 2010 at 11:01 am

    236: Turtle Girl says:

    “SLV-
    No I have not decided on a project. Right now so green just practicing on my cast on and knit and purl. ..”

    Hi TG,

    If you can cast on, K (knit) and P (purl) that’s all you need to make a scarf! Actually you can make one with only the K !!! Just K every row no P. Use a big needle and it makes it look kind of lacy. No pattern needed!

    Cast on enough to make as wide as you want about 4 per inch for worsted and then use big needles, 10-1/2 or 11 and k every row until it’s as long as you want. Fringe optional.

    Go for it. Good first project, only one skein

    xoxoxo
    SLV
    P.S. Ravelry is like crack, only with yarn… 😆
    P.P.S. I have to learn how to do another kind of cast on (provisional) and I’m dragging my heels…maybe tonight…



  238.  #238Turtle Girl on December 22, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Ok slv-I will trust you on this….will attempt a scarf….maybe a very long one to hang all my rotten cd’s with……….lol……oh the delicious scheming….:o)
    lol…..xxoo



  239.  #239Rhon on December 22, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    This post was at the right place at the right time for me.

    I have been CDing since me and D split about 6 months ago. I date a lot but no one that captures my interest enough to even have a second date. I try to force it sometimes just for the practice, but not feeling excited at all.

    I have been telling me from the start that I do not want to have sex until I feel connected and have shared feelings because I don’t feel I can handle it. Thus, I want to get to know someone first.

    Sunday, I went out with a man for coffee who I met on POF. While messaging the sex thing came up and I shared my view. He stated that if he feels attractions, he will eventually want to have a sexual relationship. Our coffee date went better than I thought it would and the next day I went over to his place and we talked, a great conversation, open and honest and feel and I felt good. We made out and it was wonderful. I have not even really kissed anyone, so this was very pleasant.

    Ok, here is where I messed up. A trend I had before and I know I have it, but not sure why I do this, but here is the story. Last night, he asked me to come over again. I was happy to hear that he wanted to spend more time with me. He asked if I wanted to stay the night, NO SEX. I was not sure how to take this. We had only met a couple days before and we even talked about the sex thing. I was not sure if this was a line to get me there or what. I decided to go over. Well, when I got there, he was already in bed and had fell to sleep. We went straight to his bedroom and he laid on his bed. I didn’t feel uncomfortable but upset that he was not making an effort to ‘entertain’ me and talk since I had driven to come see him once again. This is when I should have just left. I told him it did not make me feel good that he wanted to go to sleep. I was really off balance and he apologized for neglecting me but he was tired and wanted to go to sleep and that is why he invited me to come. At this point, I am reverting back to old means of getting attention…very unhealthy, self-loathing means. Because I didn’t feel good or warm about him not being excited about me, I started to turn on the sexual charm. Something I can do well and quickly, something I am not proud of. It stems from my daddy issues of acceptance since my father was absent, at least this is what I believe. I want to be adored and found alluring and irresistable, and I would do this through my sexuality. I am not proud of this, but I know this is something I have done in the past that makes me feel awful.

    Anyway, I turned this on, got him all hot and bothered for me, and I ended up having sex with him. I have been craving and yearning closeness and had it in my head I could get a little there and I was completely wrong and felt empty, ugly, nasty, dirty, disappointed, like I was a whore and a slut and many many more negative emotions went through me. The thing is, I did this to me. He didn’t push me. I was the lead. And I didn’t even want to have sex with him. But because I felt he didn’t want me, I went there. Because I wanted to feel close, I went there. And it repelled him and repulsed me. I repulsed myself. I was so angry and disappointed in my behavior. I feel I am too old and too good to treat myself this way. This was all me.

    I felt it was interesting what Rori said about we objectify ourselves. Clearly, I did this to the umpth degree. But on a more subtle note, I did not think that I did that. I thought by talking it, I was walking it. I say I don’t want to have sex before I get to know someone, but I did it. I say I don’t want men to want me because they find me sexy, but I must be throwing it down on the table. I didn’t know I did that, but I must be.

    This is a hard thing for me to share. I am not proud of it. I know I am better than that. And I do feel it stems from something deeper within that I may not have touched yet, which has to do with my father. But I thought it was important to share. I am not that kind of girl, at least I don’t think I am and I certainly don’t want to be. I feel so hurt and dejected. I miss my imaginary, perfect relationship I had with D and I get triggered. I try to run from the feelings of hurt that have to do with that relationship, that I’m running into another burning fire because I’m not thinking and I’m hurting even more.

    I would love to hear what anyone thinks or wants to share about my story. I feel like I am in a room of white and I can’t tell how far it extends or which direction anything is in or how to find the door. I actually feel calm though. And as my very good friend told me, I can start today with a clean slate on the right road and not to let myself get beat up by my own hand.

    So what do you guys think?



  240.  #240Rhon on December 22, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Another thing, I didn’t hear from the guy today either. But I am ok. I actually feel too embarassed of my behavior to deal with him so it is a good thing.

    Has anyone else had similar experiences? I would love to hear what you think.



  241.  #241Senior Lady Vibe on December 22, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    @Rhon

    “So what do you guys think?

    What do I think? I think if you are a grown up woman and you want to have sex, have sex. But if you think sex will cause premature attachment that you couldn’t handle perhaps it’s better to wait.

    Each woman is different. And women are different with different partners too. You know yourself better than anyone else. Do what works for you.

    However, I believe it’s a good, particularly in this day and age, to have some discussion regarding health, contraception and safety issues before sex. Maybe that doesn’t always happen…

    I believe men trust our actions rather than our words in the same way that we trust their actions rather than their words. Of course, “no” always means “no.”

    Further, I think there is no need to be ashamed of your sexual feelings; you are not required to feel repulsed or bad. You are not required to “blame it” on the guy unless he forced you.

    And, in the future you can always change your mind, with this guy or any other. It’s all up to you. It’s just dating.

    SLV



  242.  #242Rhon on December 22, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    Thanks for your words. I feel like it is a mistake to learn from and move on from even though I felt bad about it. I have to found out the lesson for me and figure out how to stop doing things that make me feel yucky and less. I want to be happy. And I want to find love one day. I just am not sure how to act like I do.



  243.  #243Senior Lady Vibe on December 22, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    @242: Rhon says:

    I really want to say, “Sweetie, don’t feel bad.”

    So, I’m saying… “Sweetie, don’t feel bad.” Really.

    It’s just one date that maybe you would do differently next time, so do it differently next time. Don’t worry about it. Now you know yourself better; I think that is the purpose of CD!!!

    Here is a web site link with lots of information about sex, self-pleasuring and lots of other things. I don’t agree with everything on the site but there is something there for everyone. You are smart and thoughtful so take what you can use and ignore the rest.

    http://www.dodsonandross.com

    SLV



  244.  #244Brenda on December 22, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    (((Rhon)))

    Be compassionate with your weak parts. You are loved, and you are lovable. Hug you.



  245.  #245Simply Shannon on December 22, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Rhon, Gulp. I have done the exact same thing.

    I would conjure up the love feelings all on my own because I wanted to feel them. The love feelings being the ones I feel during sex. The intimacy, the closeness, the pleasure. I soooo get this.

    Maybe this is first time you’ve noticed what you’re doing. And now this issue can be healed and not be repeated. The next time you’re in this situation, you’ll be able to remember that you are doing something similar. You’ve noticed a pattern! That’s a good thing. You cannot break a pattern that you aren’t able to see. So now you know. And you’ll be able to remember that the aftermath didn’t feel so good.

    Baby steps!



  246.  #246Simply Shannon on December 22, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Rhon, few more things. Where I’d start to break this pattern is LONG before I have the opportunity to have sex. I say no to house dates early in a relationship. Too much temptation for my old patterns. And definitely no to sleep overs. I don’t drive to men either. Just a few boundaries which help me not to go down a familiar path.

    Some of what I’m sensing is the leaning forward to spend time with him when he should be relentlessly pursuing me.

    Again baby steps to boundaries.

    Now you know… ya know? 😉



  247.  #247Rhon on December 22, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Thank you ladies for all your kind words. And I can feel you guys hugging me. I miss my best girlfriend from back home and don’t have anyone to give that to me here.

    SLV – I appreciate the wisdom and the website. I will definitely check it out. I’m so confused about where sex’s place is right now. I don’t want extremes, but I can’t seem to handle casual sex in any form and I don’t know if I can be celibate while dating someone I like, so what is the alternative. Hopefully, I will find some answers and feel comfortable in my own skin.

    Brenda – thanks for the hugs. I so need it. I will try to hug myself more often.

    Shannon – thanks for being able to relate. That is exactly how I was feeling. I just wanted to feel warm and close like someone wanted me, but it was false and I lied to myself. This person wasn’t offering that to me. I made it up. And I knew I shouldn’t go to his house and I knew I shouldn’t be driving to him. It didn’t feel right and he was not pursuing me. That’s why when I got there and he just wanted to sleep, it was intensified and I reacted the way I did. I could feel myself leaning forward and I knew better.

    I have a few others that are interested and I’m just going to take it slow and be careful with myself and let them come to me. When I first met D, that is how I was. He pursued me and I let him. I have to do that again. I read something about letting a date feel like it does when you are with friends and family. No pressure. I need to get back there.

    Thanks again for all your input and caring.



  248.  #248Gina on December 23, 2010 at 12:00 am

    Ladies! You won’t believe what just happened!!!
    I was scared some guys were trying to do mischief to my adorable friend, and I ended up pulling out a gun and waiting at the door in case I needed it!! I’ve never done that before, and that felt amazing.

    My friend S was visiting with her dog, Ranger. He’s a little chihuahua with a teeny blatter. He was whimpering and I suggested to her that he should go outside to pee. She went downstairs, chatting on the phone, divulging new details of a major betrayal committed by her ex fiance. When she came back upstairs she was a accompanied by a guy named Brent (though, I think she asked for permission to bring him up first). He needed to use the bathroom. Then a few minutes later, his friend Chris? Michael? I’m not sure…came in needing to use the bathroom. They hung out in the kitchen with us while I cooked Stephanie Peckeroni Pasta (gag gift of little penis shaped pasta) with veggies and chili oil that I made today. I felt uncomfortable with the guys – something felt off – but I tried to keep the conversation light, while maintaining a threatening pose with the spoon, which one of them commented on. Stephanie put Ranger on the floor and one said “YOU PUT THE DOG ON THE FLOOR WHEN THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN??” and he looked at me with disdain. I felt like smacking him and Brent said “She’s holding that spoon like she’d smack somebody with it!”
    And I kept it light. But I was seething inside, worried that they were going to try to stay long. I COULD have said “Well guys, I’d love hang out, but tonight’s no good: I feel worried my roommate would hear us.” But I was waiting for the right moment, and also I thought I heard S say that she was going to go downstairs with them when they left, and I felt uneasy about her leaving with them. After a few awkward silences in which I did not invite them to stay, and Brent seemed determined to anyway, the other one said “so i…guess…we should go?” and Brent said “what?” shifty eyes
    “I guess we should go right?”
    “I guess” weird prolonged eye contact with eachother where they seem to be communicating silently.
    Then Brent picked up Stephanie’s Dog’s leash and I heard Ranger whimper and Stephanie say “Don’t Drag him!” more whimpering and a bark “STOP!!” I go around the corner and Brent is now holding Ranger. I say “You know she would kill for that dog, so beware” He shakes his head no and says “Not me…” And Stephanie nods her head yes, like ‘yes I would!!!” But she’s wide eyed and sweet and I’m narrowing in. I said “I think you should hand over the dog.” He said “now Gina, shhh..now now.” And he walks away with Ranger and so Stephanie follows and I say “HAND OVER THE DOG!!” and the other one says “Goodnight Gina!! Thanks so much for everything.” Brent says “It was good meeting you” as he gets on the elevator. Back in the apartment, I run to my window in my bedroom and I call out the window as they arrive outside below “Stephanie!!” “Stephanie” The guys say “Oh look who it is! Gnight Gina! Nice meeting you!!” I say “Hand over the Dog, Stephanie, I feel uncomfortable, please come upstairs.” She says “What?” And I say ” I feel uncomfortable. Please get the dog and come upstairs.” The guys keep walking, waving bye to me and urge her forward. I shout “STEPHANIE!!” she turns around and I say “Where are you going?” “To walk them to their car” she says. I say “I have a bad feeling. Please just get Ranger and come up stairs” I see her hug them, and it seems that she is switching directions to come back upstairs, but I worry that they’ll come too, cause I hadn’t seen him hand over Ranger. So I go get my gun and I load it. I get my phone and I call D, my ex boyfriend. he doesn’t answer. I call my mom and I tell her what’s going on and how scared I feel. I bolt the door and stand prepared with a loaded gun in case I should need it! Derek called me and I told him what was happening. Then Stephanie got to my door safely with Ranger and I wondered if I had been some paranoid crazo. Towards D, I acted like he was some sort of hero just for calling me back. But, let me tell you, I feel like the hero. Or I did. Now I feel humble and grateful to be alive!!



  249.  #249Gina on December 23, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Oh, important detail: Brent is the brother of a girl S and I used to work with at the comedy club. S has hung out with him before and has said she feels somewhat attracted to him. I don’t know his friend -both guys seem to like her.



  250.  #250Brenda on December 23, 2010 at 2:34 am

    Gina,

    Wow, intense story…I didn’t quite understand…did it turn out that the guys were doing anything harmful? Did they hurt Ranger? Everything turned out okay?



  251.  #251Gina on December 23, 2010 at 8:21 am

    I don’t know what they were up to, and so I felt super weird afterwards. I’m relieved that Stephanie and Ranger were fine, but I felt weird to have no proof that my scared feelings and extreme action was justified.



  252.  #252Simply Shannon on December 23, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Gina – It doesn’t matter!! You honored your feelings. Brava! She didn’t have to come back but I bet a part of her is glad she did, and she probably feels thankful to have a friend that cares enough to be honest with her when she feels scared! But again, it doesn’t matter! You listened to your feelings and stated them out loud.

    I would feel weird as hell listening to man continue to say “goodnight Shannon” and keep urging my friend on without caring whatsoever about my fear. That would be a huge red flag for me too. Spooky!

    BRAVA Gina!!



  253.  #253Gina on December 23, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Yeah, thanks Shannon. It was spooky!



  254.  #254Madeline Petty on December 24, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Gina, Wow, intense story…I didn’t quite understand…did it turn out that the guys were doing anything harmful? Did they hurt Ranger? Everything turned out okay?



  255.  #255Brenda on December 24, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Merry Christmas!



  256.  #256Gina on December 25, 2010 at 12:35 am

    Yeah everything did turn out fine. I was just shocked that I kicked into badass mode and took care of bussiness just based on a gut feeling! I felt embarrassed when Steph returned safe with Ranger, but I then, thinking back on it, I did not feel like these guys were respecting boundaries, and I feel totally good about protecting my friend, Ranger and me incase of the worst possible scenario.



  257.  #257Tylenahawk on December 26, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Brenda-

    I am bigger myself and found the best way to post my size without appearing sexual is to go, “I’m not tiny, but I am not huge.” Men can interpret that as they want and contact me if interested. I also put hardworking so they know I’m not the “sit on the couch all day” type. Works pretty good. If anyone gets sexual with me I ignore them and add their email to my blocked list.



  258.  #258Brenda on December 26, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Tylenahawk,

    Thank you! I really like that!



  259.  #259amrozia on December 27, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Great, you are really great Rori.



  260.  #260Robin on December 27, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Rori,

    How can the Modern Siren or any of the programs be effective if communicating by email? The man I am interested in is in the military and we do not communicate by phone. He keeps noting in his emails “I’ll talk to you soon” but there is no call. That is part of my frustration. He is in Baghdad guarding the airport and not as dangerous as the front line. I get it is not about me right now. But he will be returning in the next couple of months and I want to bridge a “distance” gap (emotional mostly) between us.

    Not sure what will happen when he returns, but I miss him so much and when I’ve spoken to people about him, I get all welled up with tears.

    Look forward to hearing from you and your suggestions.

    Best,
    Robin



  261.  #261Rori Raye on December 27, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Yes – it all works by email. Can he skype? Can you put a quick free blog together for yourself where you can keep him updated on your life, and he can respond? Just give him the password and user name…or he can get to it and just “comment” –Love, Rori



  262.  #262Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Robin,

    I feel your pain – I was involved in too many long distance relationships in my life. Maybe when he says, “Talk to you soon” he means “write”?

    I was married to a man in prison for 3 years, and it’s been an 11 year relationship total, because we are still friends, even tho we’re divorced.

    One of the things that helps me when I miss him is to focus on what we DO have, rather than on what we don’t have. He taught me that.

    Even tho written words aren’t enough to fulfill your loneliness, there is a beauty and depth that can be reached in the written word that is hard to match in person. I wish you the best.



  263.  #263Mary on December 28, 2010 at 7:15 am

    Bad Plan to Have a “SEX BUDDY” Just some Guy that Stops By & Uses Your Body as “HIS SEX TOY”-Thats like feeding a “Stray Dog” Only You cant Call the Humane Society to Pick this Guy Up(When You Get Tired Of Being Used For SEX)! It Robs You of Your Self-Respect,Pride & Dignity&In the End All That Being “USED FOR SEX” By the same Guy “Over Years” of Doing it-Just Makes A Woman HATE SEX!Men are Such “Hard Wired” Creatures of Habit that Once You Start That Game with One You will Never Get Rid Of Him,They Go To The Same Parts Store for Parts for Their Car&They Will Run to You FOR SEX!&They Will Do That Forever!Does’nt Matter IF It’s 6:00 A.M.Or Noon,They Dont Call They Just Arrive on Your Doorstep with One Foot Out the Door Before They Even Knock&Why Would’nt They-They Are ONLY There for One Reason to Use Your Body For Their Personal Private “SEX TOY”,Makes that Whole Circular Dating THING Impossible to Do!Who’s Got the Energy to Do Another Shower,Make-Up&Hair Again- Just Because They Had SEX With Some Guy Who Stopped By Just to USE THEIR BODY Like it was A Ride at The County Fair&Who wants to Ride That Ride,Roll Out Of Bed&Go Try to Find Mr.Rite?Since The Men That Use YOU For Sex,Dont Really Understand Fully How Boundaries Work-They Want Their Boundaries(So YOU Will NEVER Be WELCOME TO STOP THEIR JOB With Lunch for the Two Of YOU To Enjoy,They Will NEVER Take YOU ANYPLACE,YOU WILL NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR FRIENDS Or,Be INVITED TO THEIR HOUSE)-They DONT RESPECT YOURS,SEX ALWAYS HAPPENS AT YOUR PLACE-NEVER THEIRS!Most Likely Because Their Wives Would’nt Like that Very Much&Besides They Just Want To USE YOU For SEX,They Dont Want to Have to Wash The Mess Off The Sheets That They Helped Make-They Just View YOU AS A “FUN TOY” That They “PLAY” With Put in Their Secret Toy Box Until The Next Time They Want to “PLAY” With That Toy&YOUR THAT TOY!IT’S A BAD ROAD TO TRAVEL DOWN With Any Guy,Some Of them DONT UNDERSTAND IT’S OVER&I FOUND THAT REAL FOREVER THING With A REAL MAN&Since They DONT CARE ABOUT YOU,NEVER DID,NEVER WILL&ARE UN-WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR SEX TOY (YOU),They will STALK YOU&YOUR MAN,In A Friends Car,Intrude On YOUR LOVELY MEAL With YOUR NEW MAN In a Lovely Restuarant,Rant&Rave About How YOU ARE HIS WOMAN-That New Man that was WORTH Getting to Know&YOU Had COULD HAVE HAD A LOVELY Future with,NOT ONLY Will He EVER CALL YOU AGAIN,HE WILL NEVER ANSWER OR RETURN YOUR CALLS-IT WILL BE OVER!Suppose You Could Go to The Court House&Explain to some Judge that YOU Was this Guy’s “SEX TOY”&He Does’nt Understand it’s Over&YOU Need A Restraining Order!NO STRINGS ATTACHED SEX-NO THANKS!



  264.  #264Mary on December 28, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Men That are WILLING TO USE ANY WOMAN JUST FOR SEX-HAVE NO MORALS,NO VALUES & NO RE-DEAMING QUALITIES!They are a total WASTE OF YOUR TIME,ENERGY & EFFORT!While You are Wherever with this guy being USED FOR SEX(Does’nt Always have to happen in a bed Or in A bedroom-He does’nt Respect You Enough to EVEN TAKE YOU Anyplace Decent For The SEX He Wants to USE YOU For,He Never Did&He Never Will)!This is The Kind of Guy Who Will Tell You that He’s NOT Ready for A Serious Relationship Or Marriage,(He will tell You That YOU Dont Have to Ask)!This is the Same Guy That ALL OF OUR MOTHER’S WARNED US ABOUT&WHILE He USES YOU FOR SEX-He has that “SPECIAL WOMAN” THAT Gets the Dinners Out to the Nice Restaurants,The Trips,The EXPENSIVE GIFTS,THE ENGAGEMENT RING FOLLOWED BY THE WEDDING RING&WHEN YOU Read Their Wedding Announcement in Your Local Newspaper,He Tells You Thats A Lie Never Happened&This Also The Same Guy That When YOU Waste YOUR TIME,ENERGY&CASH TO BUY A COPY OF THEIR MARRIAGE LICENSE FROM THE COURT HOUSE WILL TELL YOU THAT THEY LIED,HE NEVER MARRIED HER OR ANYBODY ELSE&THIS IS THE GUY WHO WILL CELEBRATE 10 YEARS OF MARRIAGE TO HER&USE YOU FOR HIS SEX TOY THE WHOLE TIME-WHILE TELLING YOU THAT IT’S OVER WITH HER&THAT HE JUST DOES’NT KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF HER!He will Buy You A Nice Car But ONLY After 10 Years of SEX With Him&ONLY Because You END IT&HE ONLY BUYS YOU THAT CAR BECAUSE HE WANTS TO HOLD IT OVER YOUR HEAD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE&TRY TO GET EVEN MORE SEX FROM YOU&HE DOES’NT THE “NORMAL SEX” HE GETS FROM HIS WIFE,HE WANTS THAT PORN STAR QUALITY SEX FROM YOU,NO STRINGS ATTACHED&AS SOON AS HE’S DONE USING YOU FOR SEX-HE’S OUT THE DOOR HE’S DONE WITH YOU UNTIL THE NEXT TIME!



  265.  #265Rhon on December 28, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Ok. I hear what you are saying about men who just want to use you for sex, but what about if we need a rebound or want to use them for sex. I am trying to get over someone who meant so much to me. I am doing my best to move on, but every time I feel lonely, I think about him and our special time together. I have plenty of attention from other men, and even though I am not wanting to get into a deep relationship right now, I am CDing to get my practice in. But I am feeling like I need to have someone worship and adore my body so I can get the thoughts of D giving me that out of my head. I need the touch and warmth, but the only memories I have are of D and his touch and the way he was with me. And it is driving me crazy. It is a major distraction for me.

    I am at a point that I have a few suitors. Some I find very attractive and I know they feel the same way. These are men I have gotten to know to a degree and think of them as good souls. Do I see long term??? I can’t say that I have gone that far in my thoughts about them. But I’m thinking, why not have some fun and escape and get my mind off what I had, which I feel is not going to come back. I feel like I can be freed from the constant thoughts of D if I let myself have a rebound to clear my thoughts. I feel I have needs and desires, and although, I eventually want to find someone to share my life and love with, it is ok to want a little fun right now with someone I feel comfort with, as long as we are safe about it. We are adults and why not have sex with someone if you are on the same page. As long as you are good with where you are and be mindful not to get attached.

    I understand as women, when we are intimate, we start to form attachments. I am definitely like that. But I know that I am just looking for a release and I feel I am good with it. I may be kidding myself, but I have been able to grab hold of that in the past and it helped to move on from an old lover to freedom. I just don’t want my desires to center around what I don’t have any longer, but in my future and with myself and my sensuality. I feel like I still belong to him and I don’t want that. I want to belong to me. I need the hold to be let go. And a little fun with someone maybe what I need.



  266.  #266Mary on December 28, 2010 at 8:51 am

    OOPS,You just Missed Out on MR.RITE Because You were OFF Having “NO STRINGS ATTACHED SEX WITH SOME LOOSER”-WAS IT AS GOOD FOR YOU, AS IT WAS FOR HIM? LADIES YOU CAN DO BETTER & YOU REALLY SHOULD WANT ALOT BETTER FOR YOURSELF THAN JUST SOME JERK WHO WANTS TO USE YOU FOR HIS LITTLE SEX TOY!WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY GETTING OUT OF THAT DEAL WITH THAT JERK?HIS WIFE GETS TO LIVE IN HIS HOUSE WITH HIM,SHE GETS ALL THE GOODIES,HE GETS TO USE YOU FOR SEX WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED,SO HE GETS THE GOODIES!Somebody is Missing Out on THE GOODIES-COULD IT BE YOU?You Could & Should be Dating EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE MEN THAT HAVE MORE THAN SOMETHING HARD OR SEMI-HARD IN THEIR PANTS THAT THEY WANT YOU TO FIX FOR THEM.IF YOU HAD A DAUGHTER THAT WAS BEING USED BY ONE OF THESE JERKS WOULD’NT YOU SIT HER DOWN&TALK TO HER ABOUT IT?&IF THAT DID’NT WORK WOULD YOU SEND HER TO A PHYCHIATRIST?MAYBE REHAB?TO FIND OUT WHY SHE HAS NO SELF RESPECT,SELF WORTH OR DOES’NT VALUE HERSELF ANYMORE THAN THAT?How long is it FUN Or Does it feel Good to be USED AS A SEX TOY?How do You Go from some Jerk Who Hates You enough to USE YOU FOR SEX To Enjoying A Merry Christmas with Your Family like Nothing Ever Happened&While Your doing that Your Jerk is with His Wife Opening Presents with her?What did he buy Her a Diamond Bracelet?Will You See Him On Christmas&IF So Will He Have enough CLASS to Bring You a Gift Or will that Gift be that Same Old Toy in his pants?WOW HE DOES’NT EVEN PLAY FAIR DOES HE?



  267.  #267Rhon on December 28, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Mary,

    I hear what you are saying, but it sounds like you speak from a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment from something that may have happened to you.

    I’m not talking about a woman who is having no strings attached sex with a man under false pretenses. I’m talking about two adults who decide to share pleasure. Not some married or attached guy going behind their partners back.

    No it is not an ideal situation, and not a situation I would encourage to go on for a long period of time. I’m just talking about the concept of a rebound. Can you wrap your brain around that? Just someone to enjoy for the moment to make you feel alive again after having something that died. A relationship that can be based in mutual respect and can be thought of later with fond memories of the time you shared with someone. It is possible.



  268.  #268Mary on December 28, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Check Your Calendar & Your Time Piece Ladies! The Guys Who want the No Strings Attached SEX Are Married & Just want to USE YOUR BODY FOR SEX during the times they cant get SEX From their Wives,IF She HATES MORNING SEX HE WILL BE BANGING ON YOUR DOOR WAKING YOU UP FOR IT!,IF IT’S That time of the Month for her he will be there with YOU & Just for that & IF They are Fighting He will be there to USE YOUR BODY FOR SEX,SO THAT HE Can Get Over It! He will then Run to His Wife with Flower’s,A Box of Chocolates & A Big I’am SO Sorry Honey,She will get a Nice Dinner that Night & You will be Sitting on Your Sofa,Watching Re-Runs Of Everybody Loves Raymond,Waiting for Him To Pick You Up for that Date He lied about Taking You Out On!Should Maybe Follow that Guy Who wants to Have No Strings Attached Sex with You Just for a week,Wear a Disguise & Use a Friends Car (Or Rent a Rental Car),See what that guy is really up to & with Whom,Cant Ask Him,WE Have Already established he’s a Born Liar,Has it down to a fine art Has Done it For So Many Years with everybody he may NOT Even Know What The Truth is Anymore & He does’nt want to & IF Your Guy was to tell You The Truth that He’s Married & Just Using You For SEX,Would You Still Provide Him That Service?There’s many Layers to an Onion Maybe it’s Time to Start Peeling Off Those Layers & Find Out What’s Really There! A Wife? Kids?Maybe even a Dog?NOT THAT HE WILL EVER GIVE UP ANY OF THAT FOR YOU,HE WONT BUT DO YOU WANT TO LET SOME GUY LIKE THAT JUST USE YOUR BODY FOR SEX?Would Think YOU Would Want to Know before You “SHARE YOUR PLAY-GROUND” With Some Guy Who will Never be With You for Anything But SEX! I Sure as Hell Would!There’s Websites that Sell Toy’s for Your Pleasure that are Discreetly Packaged & Shipped,There’s Adult Bookstores Everywhere That Sell Toys,That Should Keep You Somewhat Content Until The RITE MAN Comes Along to Sweep You Off Your Feet & Knows What A “Healthy Relationship” is & Wants to Have one with You!Dont Settle for Less than Your Worth Or Deserve in A Relationship with Some Never give you what your looking for while you reward him with sex that gets his wife off the hook & gives him options! I would think that being alone would be better than being used as a sex toy?& that would surely free you up to find the rite man,while dating alot of different men to see what’s out there!all men are not bad&you wont find a good one while you waste your time taking care of another womans husband’s sex problems-let her do it she married him for better or worse you did’nt!&thats who he wants to be married to you sure was’nt good enough when he was buying those rings!why would you want to be good enough for that?



  269.  #269Mary on December 28, 2010 at 10:29 am

    And what do you know about “the wife”? Is she a harvard graduate? Or, is she just some low life thats just as bad as he is or, even worse?not every man that wants to use you for sex has enough brain cells or class to marry a good woman & could be married to anything!how would you feel if in your search for mr.wonderful & while playing with mr.got nothing but sex to give you-you catch some deadly disease?condoms break & not everybody uses them either!what happens to your future with mr.wonderful-then?



  270.  #270Tylenahawk on December 28, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Mary, I suggest you see a counselor as soon as possible. You have a lot of anger, and bitterness from being used as a sex toy by a married man. Possibly some stalking tendencies as well. You need medicine to calm you down and think rationally before you get a gun and go kill the man and his wife, and probably their children and dog as well.

    If a grown man, and a grown woman who are both single, unattached and STD free want to have mutually consensual sex, then there is nothing wrong with that. Rhon is talking about one guy, not ten of them. She is mature, unlike you, and can decide what is best for herself. Don’t start screaming at other people because you hate yourself for the mistakes you kept making.



  271.  #271Rori Raye on December 28, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Mary – I need to ask: No more all caps – or even caps beginning each word. It’s very masculine energy – so that’s reason enough for me to ask you – and also – in web language, all caps is considered a faux-pas (so you don’t want to be capping in your emails, either – I do it for EFFECT -and love capping that way…so feel free all if you like to do it that way…) because when it’s ALL in caps, it reads as angry, in-your-face and hostile – even if what you’re saying isn’t – plus it’s hard to read – and especially hard to read when you cap each word….I edited some of them…it will be easier for me to read your posts then and reply…Love, Rori



  272.  #272Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Mary,

    I love men. I am holding out for a hero who will love me, cherish me, give to me, nourish me. And, in response, I will love him, cherish him, give to him, and nourish him! It will be a beautiful romance of love, desire, passion, and unconditional acceptance.

    Have you ever been loved like this? We are all about healthy, nurturing relationships on Rori’s blog! We want to be our best selves, and we believe that relationships help us in the process to become our best selves.

    What do you think/feel?



  273.  #273Mary on December 28, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Dear rhon,I speak not from anger,bitterness or resentment I speak from observation & as a photograher who works with a p I & takes photograph’s of men who are out working some angle to use women like you for sex I help to end their games!how do you know for sure that he’s not married with a wife & kids?how do you know that your not the only woman that he’s using for sex? Has been my experience over the years that I have been doing this that very often your not the only woman that he’s having sex with,& as we all know multiple partner’s lead to std’s & not all of them can be cured with a shot or a pill!just because the guy wears a suit & tie does’nt mean that he’s not a slime ball&it does’nt mean that he’s free of diseases either!if I were you I would follow him for a week,borrow a friends car,invest in a wig & see what he’s up to when he’s not with you!men lie,they lie to their wives&they lie to their girlfriends!over the years I have taken “many thousands of photographs” that prove that!but your an adult & you can trust whoever you want to trust! In my line of work it begins with photograph’s & ends in court when the wife files divorce action!the other woman gets dumped by the guy,because it’s all “her fault that he cheated on his wife”!somehow the “other woman” always ends up in that court room too!gee imagine that!a rare few go to jail for perjury-photograph’s dont lie!so what does she end up with,nothing she comes out of jail,to no job,no place to live & that guy she was playing with has moved on(they dont wait for the other woman,visit her in jail or even write her a letter)!maybe that’s the perfect idea of fun for some women.as for me I will just keep making money off it-the pay is really good!get to travel & thats my idea of fun! I have been doing this job probably longer than you have been alive(30+years)&with very little time off during those years&for that to happen there’s an awful lot of men cheating on their wives&the other woman in the scenario very often is shocked when she gets served papers to appear in court(for some guy she’s never even heard of),the guy’s more often than not dont give the other woman their real name,or any truthful details about themself’s,adds to the mystery&keeps the wife from finding out,as well as the “other woman”!have a case in court fri.that I cant give details on until after it’s over&will take a few weeks if not months to resolve that case!the other woman in that case tried to get out of testifying in court,she did’nt know the guy was married-she will appear in court on fri.or,go to jail&the judge that told her that was not joking!so you may or may not want to protect yourself from problems that could arise that you was’nt even aware that you had until it’s too late,thats your choice!will be out of town&away from my computer alot in the next few weeks!but keep in touch &let me know what happens,sometimes guys are being honest with you,been my experience in about 98% of my cases that it’s just some guy who wants to cheat on his wife!the other’s just want no strings attached sex forever&will tell my p I friend that when he meets them in a bar&talks to them!really hope your guy is’nt married&using you to cheat on his wife!but would’nt you like to know so that you avoid any messy situations that could be headed your way if he is?again your choice!but you may want to keep in mind that the other woman never gets paid to go to court,she gets no respect for putting herself in that position,but she always has really interesting sex stories to tell about that man that she did’nt know was married!those guy’s really want some strange sex from these women&in strange places!you would’nt believe some of the stories I’ve heard or photographs I have taken! I was there&still have problems believing that women will degrade themselves that much for some guy just to get sex!but they got to hide from the wife,so they go places where the wife wont find them!fun sex or being used?you figure it out!got to go follow up on a case,the wife thinks he’s out of town on business,&he’s with one of his 3 girlfriends at her townhouse!



  274.  #274Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Mary,

    I love sexxx! 😆



  275.  #275Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Mary,

    I love penises! 😆



  276.  #276Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Mary,

    I love it when a man squeezes my titties! 🙂



  277.  #277Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Mary,

    I love it when a man slides his long, hard penis deep into my vagina! 😆



  278.  #278Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Mmmmm! Feels soooo good! 😆



  279.  #279Rhon on December 28, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Mary, if you are not bitter and angry, then I need to go look the definitions of the words up again.

    I hear what you are saying, but if that be the case, every man is suspect and should not ever be trusted. You hear stories all the time of men who have multiple families and the other wives never knew. There are some slimballs out there and if they really want to, they can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes because they practice it daily and are very very good at it. And most people, don’t think that someone could be so devious.

    I have a few questions for you. Do you look at every man as a potential threat and automatically believe them to be liars? Do you follow every man you get involved with in the manner you suggested I do for any man I decide to have casual sex with? Do you allow yourself to be open to a man and trusting?

    I feel it takes a lot of energy to conduct myself that way. I once went out on a date with a man who later, I found out had a girlfriend when she called me. He and I only went to the beach and spent some time together. Nothing more. When I received the call from her, I suggested she needed to posing the questions she had for me to her boyfriend because I was unaware of him being in a relationship. I felt no guilt for my actions because I was not lying or trying to deceive anyone. I also told her if she was being treated so poorly that she needed to have the courage to step away from this relationship for herself instead of calling and making accusations to another woman who knows nothing about the situation.

    Bad people will be bad if they are allowed to be. But that does not mean I am going to look at every person with suspicious eyes all the time. Experience can us have jaded eyes, but I know if I am ever going to find someone to be meaningful in my life, I can’t look at everyone with the same filter. I have to be willing to trust. And if I get hurt from trusting, I still have an earnest heart because I know where I am. Not that you play someone’s fool, but don’t but yourself in a place where you can’t handle. And if you do, get out of the situation as soon as possible.

    I hope you find inner peace to deal with the demons that make you speak the way you do. Maybe you need to work in a different field for a while so you don’t look at every man as a liar and a filthy cheaper.



  280.  #280Rhon on December 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Brenda, STOP IT!!!! You are making me horny to go have some no strings attached sex……lol

    I love it too. And tonight I have a man who wants to worship me with no reciprociation. I think I will let him pleasure me. I think I need it and its wonderful when a man gives that kind of attention. He has a warm heart and I feel comfortable and safe with him, and will be safe.



  281.  #281Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Smile!



  282.  #282Mary on December 28, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    hey I like sex too,all that iam saying is guy’s that want you for a sex buddy are most likely married,i have to much respect for myself to do that sex buddy thing,one night stand or friends with benefits,if they want to have sex with me,they move in with me heres the key,but iam not moving again&not getting married again either!was married once ended in divorced not because he cheated,he was a drunk, every few years he would wreck the car & go to jail,as soon as he got out of the hospital.the last time he went to jail,he was served divorce papers in jail,my son & i moved & i gave him the house!for the record i dont have sex with married men theres no future in that,if theres no future with them why have sex with them?it’s called being used.



  283.  #283Alonka on December 29, 2010 at 4:45 am

    Hi girls,

    What do you think about this.. I had a friend for about a year and our status was always ‘friends with a potential for something romantic’. I think I avoided it, since was in love with another guy. That ended a little while ago and my friend Marc started asking me on dates that we both enjoyed. He was nice, respectful and I know that we’re a pretty good match – have a lot on common. Last night he asked me on a date and since I already had plans with my close girlfriend to watch a movie about ballet at my place, I suggested that he joins us. I checked with her, she said it was a great idea and he accepted too. They haven’t met each other before last night. I was excited for two of them to meet since they’re both my close friends. But from the moment he stepped in something strange started to happen. My girlfriend was completely after him and he started opening up to her too. She was right behind my back greeting him at the door, so we didn’t kiss hello and soon I discovered that I was just excluded from the conversation:) At some point they were speaking in French – she’s French, I understand it just a little bit, definitely can’t hold a conversation; he is fluent. I’m usually not the most talkative person, so I decided to remain myself, not to ‘compete’ and just to make sure that my guests are comfortable, have enough food, etc. I used to dance ballet for a number of years growing up, so was happy to share this terrific movie with them. After the movie was over she was saying that she was about to leave, so I turned to him and asked him to stay longer. She said – ok, I can’t stay longer, so I guess I will go home – alone. And not immediately, but she left. Marc, my son and I had a nice conversation for about 40 mins and then he went home. I’m not planning to contact him, but the whole thing doesn’t feel good. I’m not sure if he asks me out again. And if he does, will I talk to him or not. I feel a bit stabbed in the back, plus she has a boyfriend:) And I didn’t like the way he acted at all.



  284.  #284Mary on December 29, 2010 at 5:40 am

    Rhon had you not gotten the call from the guys girlfriend,would he have ever told you about her or would he have just kept seeing you & had sex with you?and would you have felt used?i believe theres a few men around that dont play those games,they are hard to find&they dont just run around looking for some woman to use for sex!think every woman deserves her own man&should’nt have to share a man with any woman!i have a quite a male friends that i trust with anything i got but would never have sex with any of them,because we are friends!in my much younger days i was stupid enough to trust everybody found out that was a good way hurt,lied to&used.anymore i dont just trust everybody,when people show you that they cant be trusted why would you trust them?do you just trust everybody?i have two brothers both jerks they have cheated on every girlfriend they ever had&every wife too,the one brother has been married 9 or 10 times lost count,the other brother his 5th wife just filed for divorce,because he cheated on her,he’s only been cheating on her for the last 10 years of their 12 marriage,he has another family with this other woman&she should have just expected that when she met him,he was married to wife number 4,&he was cheating on wife number 4 with her!wife number 4 divorced him&they got married,on their honeymoon he cheated on her!so i decided to pick their brains to see if there was anything in there&what was there was just stupid they both cheat for a variety of reasons,because they can,having sex with the same woman everyday is just too boring,they both swear they were born with a cheating gene,it’s just sex,it’s fun,she’s was just nobody dont even remember her name or what she even looked like,i dont love her i just wanted to use her for sex,then they are both stupid enough to ask me if iam going to tell the wife,of course iam going to tell the wife,the one brother is so stupid he thinks he can tell if some woman has an std just by looking at her,he has given all 5 of his wives std’s doing that&has learned nothing!have caught both of brothers cheating on their wives in stupid places,so dont go up either of their vans anymore to say hi,it just always some woman they are just using for sex!both jerks look it at like they are married,not dead they are not doing anything wrong&should be able to have sex with anybody they want whenever they want&wherever they want,they both think iam the worst sister that ever lived because i always tell their wives,since they both feel they are not doing anything wrong why should’nt i tell the wives,if i was married &my hubby was cheating i would want to know,cant get the truth out of a cheating husband,especially if they dont think they are doing anything wrong!



  285.  #285Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Alonka,

    I know that hurts. Just take it a step at time, I guess…it’s all you can do. And just know that if it falls apart between you and him, it wasn’t meant to be. We are looking for the type of relationship that will outlast time, friends, separation…all that and more.



  286.  #286Rhon on December 29, 2010 at 7:43 am

    Mary, it seems that a lot of the hostility you have comes from your life with men, including your brothers and how other men may have victimized you or women you know.

    To answer your question, I’m sure this guy would not have told me about his girlfriend. Clearly, he was a liar and a creep. And it was a first date. I would not have been sleeping with him anytime soon.

    But here is my point, any man, at any time, or any woman for that matter, could be a liar. It doesn’t matter how much you think you know a person, there is the potential for it. People will lie and hurt others, but does that mean I will be jaded to all of the world because of the possibility….NO!!!!

    As Rori states, we need to be open and honest and genuine and allow vulnerability. Of course, you must be discerning to who you let in…not everyone gets the previlege. You have to give people a chance. But when you go into a situation believing that everyone is a bold face liar, you are not allowing yourself to be open to receive or being vulnerable. I’m not saying turn a blind eye to bad behavior, but walking through life believing that any man that wants to sleep with you is a married cheat I think is a bit far.

    Personally, I refuse to allow myself to be that jaded. I am trying to learn and grow and be true to the warmth of my heart and being. I know that puts me at risk for hurt. But I feel to close off is a much greater hurt then the chance of love coming to me someday. And I will repel the man who could love me by thinking he is an automatic liar, cheat and slimball of a human being just because he is a man. I love men and I will love men and I will find my way.

    All I ever hear you talk about is lying, cheating husbands. There is more to the world of men then that. Men who are not that can hurt you too, on purpose and not intentionally. It is part of life. You just have to get right with yourself and know where you are. Unfortunately, you sound like you are in a dark and hateful place when it comes to men. I hope you can find your way out of that because there is something better on the other side. Love is beautiful and kind and nurturing and wonderful and if you let a man in your heart, you may see that. I wish you the best.



  287.  #287Mary on December 29, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Alonka,i never got romantic with any of my male friends,thats just me just always thought it would destroy the friendship if the romance did’nt work out& i would’nt have that friendship anymore,good friends are hard to find&some guy friends are just better friends than romantic partners anyway,i have a friend that will tune up my car,but romance with him no thanks,we go to lunch now & then&talk about some woman he’s seeing or some guy i had a bad date with.think they were both very rude to cut you out of the conversation&ignore you like that, was very disrespectful of both of them,i never made the moves on anybody elses man,not my style(but iam an old lady&maybe have no idea how things work anymore),in the old days women with class did’nt do that,whether they had a boyfriend or not,still think they were both very wrong to have treated you like that&hurt your feelings.you sound like a really nice girl who should maybe find a better class of friends that will at least consider your feelings more&appreciate you more.



  288.  #288Alonka on December 29, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Thanks so much girls:)

    With this guy it felt that he always wanted more, but I wasn’t ready. In the last month we were out several times (his family was visiting, so would have been more often otherwise). He txted me often and I did trust him.

    I keep on thinking – why did I need this last night? I saw the movie twice already, could do something for myself instead of baking the apple pie, etc. Quite funny:)



  289.  #289Tmizz on December 29, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Rhon – I read your first post (#239), and I hope what some of the other women have written has been helpful. And perhaps you don’t feel the same way now as when you wrote that. You sound like a soulful, put-together woman who knows what you want and don’t want. I just wanted to add that you are not a “kind of woman.” You are A WOMAN. Period. A gorgeous, sexy, feminine siren. A woman that man wanted to sleep with because, why wouldn’t he? And I also think your instinct/question was correct. Wittingly or unwittingly, it sounds to me like he was either manipulating you or trying to. To ask you over to his house for “no sex” was basically luring you with what you said you wanted. But you knew better than to think that that was really what he wanted. Only he turned it around and made the “no sex” his terms – not yours. So when you showed up and did nothing, essentially he was leaning back, and you felt yourself leaning forward, even though you didn’t really want to. He got you to play “his” role in initiating sex, and even though you turned it on for him, you felt in your gut that it wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t really 100% your decision to let him in – you were going to him. And it felt yucky. But of course you don’t have to dwell on that. You did it, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. If anything, it probably shows him for what he is, which is a “vampire” for your energy. And you don’t need that. You need someone who is going to give to you and fill you up. And you know that, too. So if you haven’t made the decision already, then I would suggest probably not pursuing anything further with this guy. If he wanted you, then other people do as well, and if he misses you and decides that you are really great, then he can start asking to spend time with you. And then you can decide to say yes or no. On your terms 🙂

    And to Alonka – That sounds like a really distressing situation. I’m sure we’ve all been there, in a place where we see the man we are attracted to look like they are starting to fall for someone else, even one of our friends, which makes it even harder. Have you considered that maybe there was a misunderstanding? Perhaps your friend thought you were inviting him over just to introduce him to her? Or did she know that he was a romantic interest for you? If so, then perhaps it feels like a betrayal on the part of both of them. But I agree that it can be hard to make the transition from friend to lover in some cases. And maybe the Universe has a better plan for you. This is going to sound awful, but what if your friend and this guy are actually a good match? It sounds like they got along. And that’s probably the most difficult part of it. But maybe they’re not couple material, just having a good time. It’s hard to tell from what we know. I just know it’s hard to see things from a big perspective sometimes, because, I personally tend to get caught up in what I want and what I feel about a situation. I can put the blinders on and see myself with someone, even if they don’t see me that way. And it doesn’t always occur to me how they might not be the best person for me in the long run. So I guess all I’m trying to say is, if he is the right person for you, then your friend will not be a threat to you or your relationship with him. And if he isn’t, then she is still not a threat, because it just means that there is another guy out there who will make you feel even more awesome and amazing!!

    I hope that helps…



  290.  #290Alonka on December 29, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Hi Tmizz,

    She knows that I go out with this guy, there’s no question about that. Looking back now I see that she did this in the past as well, I just didn’t realize it. or I thought that the reason she was ‘glued’ to the guys I dated at my parties was that she wanted to get to know them better for me:)

    I doubt they are a good match:) He is a single dad and she doesn’t like to spend time with children, never wanted to have her own, etc. They are both smart, well educated, interesting people that would easily have a conversation. She is more articulate compared to me, plus I didn’t expect an attack. Otherwise I’m prettier and if I did third of what she did yesterday – with her boyfriend, he would go for me;) Instead with him I behave completely plain, avoid a conversation, rarely smile, etc. Because I don’t want to hurt her feelings:) Frankly, I behave this way with any guy who I think has a girl, even if I don’t know her:)



  291.  #291Tylenahawk on December 29, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Alonka,

    Maybe she was just happy to find someone who spoke French and he was as well. But my guess is in the future, if you are worried about her grabbing onto someone you are interested in, don’t introduce them until you are married, lol. Some girls want all guys attention for themselves. Seeing how well they clicked would point out what Rori says, it doesn’t matter how pretty or plain you are, a guy is going to go with someone who he connects with. If he hasn’t called yet, don’t call him, just wait and see what he does. If he doesn’t call or becomes distent, it’s for the best, you don’t want to get stuck between him, her and her bf!



  292.  #292Tylenahawk on December 29, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Alonka-P.S

    If you are around her bf, don’t act all flirty and sexy, but have converstions with him and find out what he likes and really get in depth with him about his hobbies and ignore her…..see how she likes it for once. Doesn’t need to be sexual in any way shape or form, but show her it’s not nice to always grab another guy’s attention and hog it for herself!



  293.  #293Alonka on December 29, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Tylenahawk,

    Yes, I will not contact him. I actually just accepted another date for tonight. I don’t see their great ‘connection’ because what happened was that she wore a very short dress and didn’t let me put in a word for the first 20 mins after he arrived:) On the other hand, when he and I met, it was in the middle of a very noisy party and we kept on talking and talking till we were almost the last people in the room. She asked me all about his job and stuff like that earlier, and she knew what she was doing. Yes, I will not trust her again:)

    They don’t know each others’ last names, so not sure if they can meet again.



  294.  #294Tmizz on December 29, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Those are all really good thoughts.

    I had another idea about the situation, Alonka, which is about just basically keeping different areas of your life separate. Not that it isn’t a good idea to let a guy meet some of your friends, to see if he could fit in with your social circle. But I think, from the dating angle, if I guy wants to see you on a particular night, and you already have a girly date set up with one of your female friends, it doesn’t really make sense to invite him along. Not that you made a mistake. Or that it doesn’t “make sense” in the sense of killing two birds with one stone. Just that you could easily tell the guy, oh, sorry, I have a date to watch a boring chick movie with one of my friends (you don’t even have to tell him what or why). How about Thursday? (Or whatever night is good for you). Instead of adjusting your plans to include him, you can make him wait a bit to get to see you, and that way he knows that your time is valuable, your life is valuable, and it builds a little mystery as well.;) Sounds like your friend is kind of predatory and really likes the attention of a man. If that’s the case, then I’m sure that, if he’s smart, he won’t really fall for it!:)



  295.  #295Alonka on December 30, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Tmizz, thank you very much;)

    I know, I was just excited for two my close friends to meet.. I thought we’d have a great time. She brought her bfriend to my place for dinners or we went out, just three of us and it always was enjoyable. I did not expect anything like that to happen.

    Do you think it makes sense to txt him casually about a couple of funny news that happened to me yesterday and ask whats new with him? And if I see him to say how I feel about that evening?



  296.  #296Brandy on December 31, 2010 at 9:12 am

    I just got the Targeting Mr. Right program and I am having a hard time with men coming onto me sexually on pof and not wanting to date me. I am getting the vibe that all the want me for is a sex buddy and not more.

    I don’t feel my profile or pics put that out there are encouraging that. There is a small bit of cleavage in one pic because I am a DDD so it’s a bit hard to hide it unless I dress in turtlenecks all the time. I have actually stated that I am not looking for a hook up, etc on my profile.

    I would like to get out there to date but I would like to have the feeling the guy wants to get to know me and not chew the buttons off my jeans when I do.



  297.  #297Rori Raye on December 31, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Brandy! they’re SUPPOSED to want to sleep with you! Can you get a sense of humor about it all and try some other sites, try different pictures, try new profiles – experiment until you start going on dates with men who look YES at your breasts, but then are interested in your whole package? How can you even want them NOT to look at your breasts? It’s like asking a cat to not be interested in the bowl of milk! USE what you’ve got going! Love, Rori



  298.  #298Brenda on December 31, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Brandy,

    That’s funny about chewing the buttons off your jeans! And I get what Rori’s saying too, and the way she said it was humorous.

    I think I concur with your feeling is that it seems ALL a lot of men want is sex and nothing more. I am at the point where I won’t even date a man unless he talks to me like I’m human, not like I’m a slut. When he goes straight into, “Are you hairy down there?” or “What size bra do you wear?” I just shut right down. More often than not, I don’t even respond.

    If a man treats me with respect as a lady and then asks me if I want children, or flirts a little, then I can handle that.



  299.  #299Brenda on December 31, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Brandy,

    P.S. I really liked Ryan’s approach. He focused on romance, not sex. He watched romantic movies with me, listened to romantic music like Michael Bolton, and he asked me a lot about my inner self – spirit, mind, heart. When sex came up in conversation, fine. And we played around sexually just a little. Mostly it was cuddling and pillow talk, and I felt totally melted! I just loved it, and, even tho we’re not seeing each other right now, just phone contact, I’m still in love with him.

    What do you think?



  300.  #300Brandy on December 31, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    I wasn’t talking about men who say to me, you are sexy. I expect that. It’s ones who come out and say, you are hot why don’t we get together so you can….

    I am a women with a high sex drive so it is difficult for me to pull back and not put that out there because I know that I want so much more than just to experience sex with different men.

    Right now, some guy is texting me now asking me if I would like to ring in the new year with him. I am not sure what his expectations are there and I have not yet gone out on a date with him.



  301.  #301Alonka on December 31, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Happy New Year everyone!!



  302.  #302Tmizz on December 31, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Hey, Alonka –

    I’m sure it makes sense to text him with a casual hello, since you already have a long-standing friendship/relationship. Maybe it’s good for other people to weigh in with their ideas on this, too…

    My guess is that he’s probably clueless about how what he did made you feel that night. And I don’t know how much of it was him, or him responding to your friend, in which case, you may want to tell your friend how it made you feel. For him, it seems like, for the sake of relationship, you may want to keep cool about it. It doesn’t need to be an “issue.” But if he brings that evening up at all, I’d say yeah, definitely. Tell him how you felt and how awkward it was for you. But also good to keep in mind what Rori says about not “making him wrong.” So I’d be careful about phrasing, using your feeling statements, and asking him what he thinks. Good luck!:)

    And Happy New Year!



  303.  #303Rebecca on June 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    wow! I have been trying to analyze why I like sex and why everytime I break up with a bf or he breaks up with me I want sex. I think this helps answer my problem… I am with a guy and have been on and on for 3 years. We break and I run for another guy,when I am single I want many men. I hate it because I love him so much and don’t want to hurt him when I do this. I love sex but I hate being known as permiscuous when I am single. I try to not be this way but I end up there when I get left or leave a man. I was sexually molested and my parents have been married but rarely affectionate at all. At a younge age I was very curious about sex. Now this makes since! Anyone have anymore advice on how to help? I hate that I am this way when I am single. I love this man and want him to trust me but my past single life makes him scared to be with me in the future.



  304.  #304Kathy on December 7, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    This was me just a few months ago. I’ve found that since I have been circular dating I have gotten more comfortable in my skin and have become more confident. I even know how to ask men questions about what they want for the future without scaring them away (I have even had men compliment me on this as well. They always tell me the things that women do that come off as being needy and insecure. Which I can’t lie some of the things they have told me I have done myself, but they don’t have to know that 😉

    In the beginning though it was very difficult to get started because I was hooked on this guy who only used me for sex. It was like I was addicted to him treating me badly. But once I starting letting guys in and opening myself up like Rorie has said I found that he was not even worth my time because I had all these other men literally throwing themselves at me. I had one man fly me out to see him for a weekend. After that it made me stop and think “gee if a man from a different state will do whatever it takes to see me whats wrong with this guy who lives 5 miles apart from me”. Everything just started clicking from there and with each guy I have dated the quality of the guy has improved along with my confidence.

    I would just like to say to the women who are having trouble with this please hang in there and look at every situation where you get triggered with a man. You learn so much about yourself and in turn your confidence will rise along with how you see yourself and it changes how men look at you instantly. When I go out with men sex is the last thing on my mind and I never worry about them bringing it up because I know that is not the vibe I am putting off.