Are You A “Victim” Or A “Survivor” Or A “Conqueror” Or A “Compassionate Lover”?

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Here’s a letter I find important:

“Rori, let me start my story… I know this guy online we are good friends who became best friends so I call. He is the kind of guy who cares for you and can do anything to make you happy when he is happy with me… and when he is angry for a small mistake like answering back or taking his silent treatment rudely or at something else he would go without talking to me for months. When he gets back to me I give him all what I can whatever is possible from me forget what happened. I know he wont change.

I’m a victim of rape and when I told him about it he supported me he was so angry with those people he would have killed them. But once when he was angry he told me I “attract them more and ask them rape me rape me” the whole 2 hour online fight where I shed tears where he treated me as dirt while I was begging please I’m just hurt I’m sorry for nothing I did. He went away for a few days he ignored but when he spoke to me again I forgave him like nothing ever happened.

Lot of times later if I let my bottled feelings on his silence known he keeps silent he uses his heartless sarcasm which makes me feel like dirt. Like I have no value. Yet I give all of my love for him now he considers it to be fake.

I know I can leave him but still a part of me doesn’t want to. Please help me give me some tips. I believe too much in astrology and he is a Virgo. I feel too sensitive too left out.

Please let me know how to respond to his sarcasm. He always makes me feel that I’m wrong when I’m only trying to convey my feelings.
I really need the help from anyone and everyone. Thanks, Phoenix”

My Answer:

Phoenix,  this man is not good for you – I can tell just by how bad you feel around him. The question is – what’s keeping you from completely walking away from him and making new friends and getting new lovers?

Also – I’m a long-time survivor of rape and assault, too, and a counselor – and the first thing that needs to happen is for you to get some support to STOP calling yourself a “victim” of ANYTHING.

You are a survivor – even a conqueror – should anyone ask. MORE than that!

And you still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved.

Please go find someone professional to talk to.

And – that experience never, ever goes away out of your awareness.

It’s how you integrate the experience into your life, the energy you give to it and don’t give to it, and the compassion you show yourself that counts.

Same as with everything else that happens in our lives.

It’s the perspective, and the work to accept and integrate and love the feelings that accompany every moment of our lives that make the difference.

Love, Rori

769 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 10:34 am

    Conqueror



  2.  #2Lori on January 30, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Conqueror



  3.  #3Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 10:39 am

    I’m a victim of rape – I’m a long-time survivor of rape

    Such different perspectives that affect the way we tell our stories. How we see ourselves and actions we take based on how we see ourselves. Many times it is unconscious, but man, how much it affects the way we show up in the world.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Rori you are brilliant.



  5.  #5Starla on January 30, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I ain’t a victim of shxt



  6.  #6Starla on January 30, 2013 at 10:46 am

    i just noticed that when i have no uncertainty in my life, i don’t go looking to my horoscopes or tarot cards.



  7.  #7Starla on January 30, 2013 at 10:47 am

    ahhhhh this new text advertising thing is trippin me out. are others seeing it, or did i contract some adware?



  8.  #8ALA on January 30, 2013 at 11:01 am

    I’m getting the text enhanced ads here also. Was wondering what’s up with that too.



  9.  #9Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Dump the f***** a-hole. What a loser!!!



  10.  #10Starla on January 30, 2013 at 11:17 am

    hahaha seriously, what liquid light says ^^^



  11.  #11Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Not you, Phoenix, the guy. He’s just not worth another second of your time IMHO.



  12.  #12Tam on January 30, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Liquid Light – ditto
    I can’t comprehend as to what would motivate me to stay with a man like that. Unless I could use him as a punch bag and save the gym fee…



  13.  #13ruth on January 30, 2013 at 11:24 am

    this is an on line relationship isnt it?
    I wish Phoenix you had the strength to block his E mails for good.
    You dont need to keep on being abused, you are worth more than that



  14.  #14Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 11:34 am

    i just noticed that when i have no uncertainty in my life, i don’t go looking to my horoscopes or tarot cards.

    Starla, yes, ditto!



  15.  #15Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 11:39 am

    My thoughts to the man in the article were more colorful so I chose to not write them



  16.  #16Indigo on January 30, 2013 at 11:42 am

    Phoenix,

    If I were you I would really ask myself what would make me stay online with a man when he says those hurtful things, when I could so easily switch my computer off and go and run myself a hot bubble bath, or put on some gorgeous music and dance to my little heart’s content.

    Maybe you feel you have to stick around for the pain, but you DON’T. Choose joy, choose peace. For yourself.



  17.  #17Tam on January 30, 2013 at 11:46 am

    16 aw that’s a cute post, made me want to go and put some music on 🙂



  18.  #18Indigo on January 30, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Aww Tam 🙂

    go for it 🙂



  19.  #19Violette on January 30, 2013 at 11:59 am

    I feel courageous today. I have a friend whose husband left her with three small boys, and the way she carries herself, so proud and resilient, while still feeling all her stuff, inspires me.

    Whether or not breaking up with C was the “right” thing to do…if I could have hung in there and “worked” on things, it was the right thing to do for me. I have the choice to believe I did the right thing, to support myself and love myself and trust him to take care of himself. It’s ok to hurt him. He’ll be ok.

    And I am so relieved to never have to get naked with him again, and to have had this wonderful man and experience in my life. And to have learned so much from it.

    And I’m back on the road to finding a relationship that feels good all around to me. I feel so strong and proud!



  20.  #20Mercedes on January 30, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    This man isn’t a friend and certainly isn’t a best friend and serves only to control (in my opinion). Victims of rape and assault can be very easy to control and are prime pickings for a guy like this.

    Survivors (and conquerors) are not. They have come too far to allow this type of person into their lives.

    Choose Phoenix because I doubt you can have both.

    And I totally agree about the professional help. It will also serve to give you confidence and strength to remove toxic men from your life forever.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  21.  #21Starla on January 30, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    I want her to just block him on chats and fb. i want her to filter her email so that it automatically deletes any emails he sends her without her even having to know he sent it.



  22.  #22ruth on January 30, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I also understand exactly why she finds it so difficult
    Its like a toxic drug

    probably a* familiar* toxic drug
    and now i feel really triggered



  23.  #23Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Hi, This is Rori,

    On Tonight’s Love Forever Call (Wednesday, January 30th at 5:30 PST, 8:30 EST), I’m going to talk about: “How To Warm Him Up With Your Warmth – Without Overfunctioning.”

    It’s so easy to accidentally use my “walk away” and “Circular Dating” tools to go “cold” on a man. It’s so easy for resentment to build up and to use a Tool like “Ignore Him” to actually keep from USING the moment and your feelings to bring you CLOSER, and instead, accidentally push him farther away!

    It’s all about becoming aware of what you’re REALLY feeling, underneath what you THINK you’re feeling, and then going through (and often “past”) your instinct to “run scared” and shut down.

    It’s about speaking your truth and asking him the right questions when it feels most “wrong” and uncomfortable.

    It’s about breaking through even years of disconnection with a man, or breaking through a PATTERN of disconnection and superficiality you may have established as a habit over your entire life, and connecting mightily and intimately and passionately.

    If you sign up as a new “Love Forever” member anytime before tonight’s call, write to me about your personal situation and questions and I’ll answer you right on the call – live!

    Love Forever is an advanced program, where I work with you to deeper levels of using the Tools you already have from my programs, and give you completely NEW ones.



  24.  #24Sha-sha on January 30, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    I agree with the ladies please block this guy! No women deserves this kinda treatment…….. he knows he can get away with how he treats U and u always come back…….he has no respect for U…. Ur worth way more then this please believe in urself and get the help U need! Much luv and respect xo



  25.  #25Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    John Gottman, prime researcher on the dynamics of successful marriage, has stated that thriving relationships have AT LEAST a 5:1 ratio of appreciations to criticisms (and that includes eye rolls and other nonverbal disses).

    http://www.hendricks.com/bodymind/months-menu-self-appreciation?utm_source=iContact&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=The%20Hendricks%20Institute%20Newsletter&utm_content=Newsletter+30JAN13



  26.  #26Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    FW said….
    as the girls and I deserved it – Turq taking into consideration all that I have learned from both Rori and Innerbonding I have changed my mindset.

    You all deserved it yes but choosing to control the situation in this way could likely harm all involved. You deserved it but he as a human is also entitled to choose not to provide it. Choosing such a route with some men might have put both yourself and the girls in physical harm’s way. I have also seen Rori encourage women to find ways to get employed and be independent of men when they head down certain paths.

    Knowing these things I would not have chosen the route you took. It is like a virtual prison. Chained to a man who did not want to be with me just to use him. Sorry to be so harsh. I have seen Margaret Paul of Innerbonding suggest that you do not own the spouse. I believe also Byron Katie. Also that the other person doesn’t really owe you anything. I have also read where the traditional marriage vows are really, well unrealistic. It projects into the future to make claims that people might not be able to live up to.

    Each day a married couple wake up they make a new commitment to be with each other. Assuming that is the case because of the legal document can set one up for trouble.

    FW, I feel pretty p1ssed off reading this. And I don’t want to go into explaining my whole past or situation, but this feels ugly to me, and while you may believe you know me and my situation…. this just isn’t even close to being true, that I feel I have to “clear my name.”

    Two months into a two and a half year dating relationship when we were engaged, C and I started talking about the possibility of being married and having children someday. I shared that I did not want MY children, if at two months I would have said OUR children, he probably would have run away…. to be in daycare. If that would be my only option, I may not have them. It was a personal preference, something I felt strongly about for a lot of reasons, but at that early stage in our relationship, I shared it. He agreed, and while my career eventually in elementary education (we started dating when I was 20) was something I’d planned to go back to when the girls were in school, it was also understood that his career with the military, would come first. We would move because of it, and no matter what my job may be, I’d give that up and of course, move with him. So, I feel, that we both understood what the other wanted and expected. When C and I separated, in the middle of a cross country move, while all our belongings were in storage, I was visiting family because our house wasn’t ready and he had to be there for work. He chose to give up our housing, rent a small place off base, file for a divorce, and tell me on the phone rather than in person. I chose to leave my family, friends, and the definite possibility of a teaching job behind when I chose to marry him and move to Europe. I taught in Germany and Georgia, giving up both jobs because he was transferred, but also timing wise, to be home with the girls.

    So, here I was, back in my hometown after 13 years, with a 2 and almost 5 year old, all my stuff on a moving truck… and started over. My girls lost a lot in the divorce. Seeing their dad regularly because he lived out of state. A big house, their dogs because I couldn’t keep them, the last thing I was going to do was put my 2 year old in daycare so that I could go back to work. C paid just as much support as he would have if I’d worked. We had our own agreement. I chose to use my savings in addition to what he paid me, and ran up a decent amount of credit card debt. It was a lesson learned, but in that time of my life when nothing felt stable, it was worth it. I saw a lawyer and a counselor, both suggesting to me that being divorced was not in best interest. Not only did his health insurance still cover me, but with him being in the military and volunteering to go to Iraq 6 months into our separation, if something were to happen to him, I would have been protected. He was gone for 14 months, of which some of it, we considered reconciling. Then he proposed to a woman he’d known for a month, while we were still legally married, and that was the end of that. Obviously, those of you who know our story, it didn’t last long. A major reason why our divorce took so long was that he was not here. He never lived closer than a 7 hour car ride, and for another year he was in Kansas. So, lack of proximity, was a huge factor. We did not live together for any of this, so to be in harms way, considering I saw him so little, was not a relevant factor compared to the financial benefit of still being legally married.

    I am all for personal growth and learning to be in better relationships, and I know that reality can be a dirty word around here, but whether I should have signed papers because he wanted me to or not, I did not honestly care what he wanted. I tried to keep a healthy relationship between him and the girls, I spent time with his family, who some had been rather awful to me, I sent pictures and emails about the girls always, and I made the best of what we had. It never costed him more financially, for us to still be married, and the emotional stress, went both ways.

    Now, it’s been almost 5 years since we got divorced, and in all that time he has still been a wonderful provider, going above and beyond, to be there for me and the girls. I had the awesome provider. And while our divorce happened because of both of us, I didn’t cheat or have an addiction or lie to him,… so if I used him for financial reasons then I feel ok about it. He left me because he thought the grass would be greener elsewhere. He’s since told me it was the biggest mistake of his life and he will always regret it. He doesn’t know if he will ever be happy. But we did a lot of damage to each other along the way.

    Somehow though, through all of that, we still do our best to make it work the best we can, for the girls. We are all going skiing together this weekend. It should be interesting, I’m hoping we can have fun and it all goes smoothly.



  27.  #27Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    *** 2 months into dating, at 2 1/2 years we got engaged. A year later we got married.



  28.  #28Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Violette said:

    And I am so relieved to never have to get naked with him again, and to have had this wonderful man and experience in my life. And to have learned so much from it.

    Wow! I love this!!! This is exactly how I feel about MY last relationship. Thanks for articulating this and posting it!!!



  29.  #29Iamabutterfly on January 30, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    I just wanted to share that the 40 year old creep-o (I know, judgmental) who didn’t have a car and wanted to go out with me is, get this, LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. Trusting my instincts wins again!



  30.  #30Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    FW said…

    Not at all. My focus was on “choosing” not to sign the divorce papers which was what he apparently wanted. Locking oneself into a situation to MAKE him manup to his responsibility is likely to create resentment in the other person.

    It wasn’t to make him man up. He has always been a good provider, but being in the military, you do not pay for your healh insurance for your family. Just something small for dental. It was the fact that as long as we were still legally married, I had that provided to me. Since he left me with a 2 year old, and what it would have cost to put her in daycare, which he actually would have had to pay most of, this worked out for all of us. What does suck, is that since I left my career for so long, it’s not a viable career option for me now, without going back to school. So, the sacrifice made here, was mine, by my choice.

    What I’m seeing in relation of this, to my relationship with sweetheart, is that while I want him to have a job and be able to support himself, which if we ever got married, I’d defintiely still work… but sharing household expenses, would relieve some financial strain on me…. I’d rather have a relationship with a man who makes me feel loved. C bought me presents, said nice things sometimes, but mostly he was very focused on his job and hobbies. We didn’t spend much time together. I felt very alone at the end of my marriage, even when he was there. So, financial security would be a blessing, it’s not the criteria I’m still so attracted to. It would be great if someone had it all… but it would also be great if I did too. I see that. I’m not perfect. My concern with sweetheart is that if his back gets worse and he cannot work, what that might do to our lives. But, like I said.. I’m not ready to marry anyone anytime soon, so not going to negatively “what if” myself out of the relationship. I’m giving him time to figure things out, and going from there.



  31.  #31ruth on January 30, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Turq
    what comes across to me is how C has stepped up fr the kids
    Might not ave worked out for you two, but

    well, hmmm

    I dont see so many marriages wth kids working out so good and this one seems to be

    Hats off to you both, acutally



  32.  #32Starla on January 30, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    I have nothing to do at work, so I went to my car to meditate. Love it! Feels good.



  33.  #33Goodheart on January 30, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Turquoise, your posts always inspire me & I feel such a strong yet warm vibe from you.



  34.  #34Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Lamabutterfly

    OMG, barf! Good for you for going with your instincts! 🙂



  35.  #35Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Yes Ruth, he is a good dad. He’s also a great ex husband. It could be wayyyyyyy worse. I feel blessed there. I think I’m a pretty great ex wife too.

    Thank you Goodheart. I feel so frustrated right now. IT’s hard rehashing all that, still emotional. I think I’ll cry it out on the way home and then go enjoy watching my girls do their thing at gymnastics. Have a great night everyone!!!



  36.  #36Calypso on January 30, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    I must really like Hound . . . i just got a call out of the blue from the Drill Instructor and although I was happy to hear his voice and he still can make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants, I did not feel like flirting with him and I ended up telling him that I was dating someone I really liked and would not risk hurting his feelings by having any inappropriate conversations, texts, or pictures with another man.

    He took it well and said he would still want to keep in touch and talk with me, but i kind of doubt that i will hear from him again since I know he was just in it for the sex talk (as was I) . . . but I felt good releasing him.

    I won’t get to see Hound again until this Sunday, which is kind of nice too because it is giving me time to really let my feelings settle – I can poke around in them and not be distracted by his handsome face. So far, so good. I feel wonderful and still have no desire to reach for GM. We even had tornados in our areas last night and I did not focus on him at all – I am healing so much and it is amazing how the lack of pain leaves so much room for happiness and excitement and wonder ~



  37.  #37Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Sorry to know you feel pissed Turq but I totally understand.



  38.  #38Starla on January 30, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    calypso, wow, i feel shocked you shut down all your options so soon! I’m still in the middle of letting men know i’m not available anymore, and I’m a solid month into a committed relationship with someone I’ve dated for several months and known since I was 14…



  39.  #39Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    you may believe you know me and my situation – Quite the contrary Turq, I believe no such thing. I was responding as an outside observer based on what I have learned and what I believe I would do today if faced with such a situation.



  40.  #40Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Also Turquoise I was only responding to the question at the end of this comment.:-

    “471: Turquoise says:
    Well FW, I told him before we got married I would not put my kids on daycare, so he’d have to be ok with me staying home and supporting us.
    How about this…. To continue to live the life I wanted and have the time I wanted with my girls, I chose not to sign the papers and remain legally married. His choice would not change my choices, as the girls and I deserved it. I made the best of my situation at the time.
    What do you think?”

    I feel really sorry if I pushed your boundary.



  41.  #41Starla on January 30, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    I am finding money in places I didn’t expect:). For example, I have some unused groupons I can get refunded. And my bank sent me an unexpected check for one dollar, haha. They owed me some money from an old account.

    I can’t wait to go home and scrub my bathtub all shiny. Rich people have shiny bathrooms.

    Tomorrow I am going to declutter my main closet. Rich people have fresh, open, light, organized, lovely closets:)



  42.  #42Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    RE 29 Iamabutterfly what bubbled up for me reading that comment was “a man can be okay living with a girlfriend *for now* while at the same time looking for his forever girl”. So the question to myself is whether a man is offlimits to me because he has a girlfriend?



  43.  #43Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    FW, I’m not mad at you. It’s just been an emotional week and I got triggered, feeling I was being told I was wrong and that with growth, I’d see that. It’s still a painful topic for me. I didn’t want to be divorced. I never signed the papers. My girls miss out on a lot without their dad here, and military life is hard. When he’s deployed, I still worry as if he were my husband. But I guess my point was that just because he chose that he didn’t want to be married anymore, and broke all those promises and commitments, I’d made commitments and promises to myself, and unborn children, when they were a dream of my future. Just because he didn’t want me, didn’t mean it was all ok or that he should have what he wanted more than I have what I wanted.

    And no matter what he does for us, what he pays for, it doesn’t change the fact that he left us. His choice changed all our lives. I know that, my girls know that, and so does he. So, all I can continue to do is make the best of it. Which I have done since day 1. Maybe not the way anyone else would have. But it wasn’t about giving him what he wanted anymore. It was about me, and I’m 100% ok with that.



  44.  #44Annie on January 30, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    462: sami no .

    I loved your speech and how you honored yourself taking full responsibility for your own feelings around this. And how you prioritized your feelings and what you want first.
    If he is the right man for you he will step up and do the same.
    Hugs.X



  45.  #45Starla on January 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    MaintenanceGuyCD didn’t jump on taking me out fast enough, and now i have a boyfriend…

    i still let him surprise me with a space heater for the office, though. I’m freezing!

    Also, not one but TWO band members of a band are really into me… they’re actually brothers… they are opening for me and Qz’s favoritest band in a couple of months, and hooked me up with tix and offered to bring me backstage to party with the band that is headlining (exciting!). But I have this sinking feeling they won’t be so generous when they learn that I have a boyfriend now. and that I want him to come backstage, too.

    I warned QZ about all this. That we might end up backstage but it might be a romantic gesture and not a friendly one from them. He is not a jealous guy in the slightest, so he just kind of chuckled.

    QZ trusts me completely to be faithful and really doesn’t bother with even flinching at the other men in my life. That is something that’s very sexy about him!



  46.  #46Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    I understand Turq. Thanks. My mother still lives with me. Every now and again I hear a comment that suggests she hung on in the marriage because of us. I find myself wondering when she expresses regret why she didn’t chose to live her life rather than living up to expectations and obligations. Many times she talks about if she had to live her life over again she would choose to not have kids. I understand but at the same time it stirs some kinds of feelings of abandonment. I don’t want that for you, myself or any of the other women here. As such I feel sometimes compelled to look at the other side of the coin.



  47.  #47Siren Angel on January 30, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    One of these moments… I have not been on the blog but I thought these exact words a few days ago ‘I am a survivor of…’
    Wow.



  48.  #48Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I have seen her feelings of resentment spill out in some cursing towards my dad. Their stories about their marriage are sometimes so different but one underlying factor is feelings of obligations.



  49.  #49Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Turquoise sometimes I truly wish I was nearby to hug you, hold you and soothe away your pain. I feel so comnnected to you that I feel movement/pain in my womb as if I gave birth to you as I write.



  50.  #50Starla on January 30, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    wow fw you are letting out some intense feeling messages, I LOVE IT



  51.  #51Annie on January 30, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    “Rori, let me start my story… I know this guy online we are good friends who became best friends so I call. He is the kind of guy who cares for you and can do anything to make you happy when he is happy with me… and when he is angry for a small mistake like answering back or taking his silent treatment rudely or at something else he would go without talking to me for months. When he gets back to me I give him all what I can whatever is possible from me forget what happened. I know he wont change.

    I’m a victim of rape and when I told him about it he supported me he was so angry with those people he would have killed them. But once when he was angry he told me I “attract them more and ask them rape me rape me” the whole 2 hour online fight where I shed tears where he treated me as dirt while I was begging please I’m just hurt I’m sorry for nothing I did. He went away for a few days he ignored but when he spoke to me again I forgave him like nothing ever happened.

    Lot of times later if I let my bottled feelings on his silence known he keeps silent he uses his heartless sarcasm which makes me feel like dirt. Like I have no value. Yet I give all of my love for him now he considers it to be fake.

    I know I can leave him but still a part of me doesn’t want to. Please help me give me some tips. I believe too much in astrology and he is a Virgo. I feel too sensitive too left out.

    Please let me know how to respond to his sarcasm. He always makes me feel that I’m wrong when I’m only trying to convey my feelings.
    I really need the help from anyone and everyone. Thanks, Phoenix”

    My heart really hurts and I feel so sad reading this.
    You were a victim of rape which was not your fault but are now a survivor who has taken the first step to healing from this. And only you can take responsibility for healing and conquering those inner demons.
    This man is poison to you and you are poisoning yourself if you stay with him.
    Hugs.



  52.  #52Annie on January 30, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    I was a victim and survived, am now healing and conquering and slaying all those inner demons and becoming more compassionate and loving to myself everyday.



  53.  #53miraculosly loved on January 30, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Ohhh, it will take a little more for her to block this guy and any relationship that will do her harm…as I look back on the affair I had with a man who was similar, at one time I could not break from him. I was too deeply linked to my feelings of needing him because he “was the one” and I had grown up but not grown out of the secrets and lies of my childhood of sexual abuse and had not yet overcome my post trauma of the abuse I suffered from my ex-fiance. I didn’t know it but I was terrified of real men and didn’t trust myself around them because I couldn’t decipher between good and bad, so I settled. I thought it was easier to suffer in an online/affair because no other man understood me. The times we were together were worth it at that point because I didn’t really want a commitment or to work for the commitment. All of this was wrapped up in one big beautiful ego package that made me think it was the right thing. When you decide you deserve and want more and are brave enough to find someone else, (you are already brave enough, you have to believe it); you will find a therapist that will slowly teach you how to reconnect with and identify with what love IS and what it is not. In the mean time I’ll tell you how I broke the addiction and it wasn’t cold turkey, it was Rori’s is he a toxic man test…I used it to determine that this man brought about fear and anxiety and those two emotions are toxic. I will tell you that he wised up to his toxic ways but it was too late…I was tired of hurting and tired of disappointments and lies. He still emails me but I am now in the most miraculous relationship with myself and with the most amazing, loving man. In just 2 short years (after 6 solid years of therapy) Rori’s tools were just what I needed to make it all happen and for me to finally break the cycle of abuse I accepted for myself. I have always been a survivor but now I have the courage to live an honest life in a wonderful relationship with a man that I will be married to in September. I still feel scared and I still have some of the same responses to him. We just bought a house, which should be the happiest moment for me but I feel panicky, excited and fearful all at the same time. These are not reactions to him but post traumatic responses to the harm and abandonment I faced in my other relationships. I feel ready to be loved completely but this is a place of fear for me; as I say this I feel shaky. I feel surprised that THIS was the topic, since its the first day I’ve been back in a very long time…I have had some very strong reactions since we’ve been in the house particularly around feeling overtaken in the relationship. Although, I know its impossible since I am my own person. This fear and anger has pushed him away a bit but it is my conversations with him that make me feel safe in the relationship. I feel a little needy right now but I know I’ve survived so much and although I don’t NEED him, I feel all vulnerable and open..for me this is scary more so in a full time relationship. I know I am giving it too much power; my past that is. So, I’m sitting with this feeling right now and letting it melt my heart away



  54.  #54Miss Bells on January 30, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Good post!
    My family was very rich and very messed up, and I was driven out of my house at age 14. Once on the streets I was raped a number of times, plus all the “just get it over with” sex to secure some measure of safety. I was well into adulthood before I knew sex could be consensual, much less enjoyable.
    Now I am 56 and have lived without any such thing happening again for many many years.
    I did a lot of hypnotherapy to heal the past.
    Now I am spending my parents money and having fun doing it. The inheritance suffered from my father’s spendthrift ways, and I had to split it six ways, with sisters that purposefully harmed me in the past. BUT–it is enough. And I am very glad.



  55.  #55Starla on January 30, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    wow now my friend who is a bioresearcher just asked if he could pay me 800 bucks to take a small sample of my thigh tissue, lololol. weird, but the universe is definitely sending money my way!



  56.  #56miraculously loved on January 30, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    I am now soothing this amazing feeling exploding inside me…fear, anger, hostility…all leftovers that require a big workout and then a shower and then I will cook dinner for the “one” who made himself the one, made room in my life and all I had to do was open my heart, make me accessible to the right man and then trust him…and let go of the mistrust that held me back…I feel a sigh of relief when I say that…how perfect! I will not own more than my part…before my workout its back to my school work. I’m in my Masters program…so many new things; so exciting!!



  57.  #57Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Thank you FW, but I don’t feel resentment, at least not towards my kids. I love them so much and we have built a great life, the three if us. There’s us, and then everyone else. Whom I love dearly, but we are the team. C never wanted to be a team, at least it didn’t feel that way. And I don’t care much about a career. To me, a job is a way to pay my bills. Someday I hope that changes, but for now… I’m grateful to have a job, it’s easy, close to home, and flexible. But this job lets me be the kind of mom I want to be!

    I guess I do resent C for changing our lives, not keeping promises…. But I’m also grateful that he made a very hard decision, which, with where we were was toxic, and removed himself from our daily lives.

    I just said to SH last night that I’m really happy my girls like him, because that’s super important, but that even if this wasn’t going so smoothly, I deserve to be happy too, and the relationship with him would be worth the effort.

    You wrote something about his kids and how it might feel to him in how I acted, or something lke that, but I’ve only met his son once and haven’t met his daughter, so no relationship there yet. I will tread lightly. This is a hard time for them. I know.



  58.  #58miraculously loved on January 30, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    I wonder where my first post went, guess that makes my second one a little unclear..lol I feel all curious now..oh well…lol



  59.  #59miraculously loved on January 30, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    I feel like sharing and need to be back on the blog for a bit just to journal and clear my feelings and practice again..whew



  60.  #60Femininewoman on January 30, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Not “his” kids Turq. It was a general statemtn



  61.  #61Vi on January 30, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Today I caught myself before going into victim pattern. Yay to me! It felt sad though, but that’s totally okay. I rock. It feels scary to write this.. and that’s okay too 🙂 I feel giggly now. I want to feel as comfortable being adored as I feel being in a victim mode.



  62.  #62Annie on January 30, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Turquoise.
    Most people say what they would have imagined they would have done in that situation as if it were them.
    And in reality they do not really know, they are just taking and educated guess.
    And even in they had done it differently they are not you living your reality and your life.
    They really are not able to put themselves in your shoes as if they were you living it from your reality, how it really was for you as if they were you and not them.

    Hugs X.
    There for the grace of God go I.



  63.  #63miraculously loved on January 30, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    You still have feelings trapped inside this experience; that just triggered me…its not the relationship I’m reacting to with my fear and wanting to run but my feelings being trapped inside another experience; I feel curious about how to release them or to bridge them…hmmm?? I’ll have to explore this! How amazing and uncomfortable



  64.  #64Annie on January 30, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Phoenix.

    When we use I am it means now the present tense.
    And when we use I was, it is the past tense so no longer happening.
    What do want to choose for now and the future?
    And what do you want to be now?
    A conqueror?
    Survivor?
    Compassionate lover?



  65.  #65Annie on January 30, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    Rori says.

    “And you still have feelings trapped in this experience that need some help getting resolved.

    Please go find someone professional to talk to.”

    I believe this is the key.
    As in trauma and survival we go into fight, flight or freeze. If we are unable to fight or flight because our assailant is stronger etc we automatically go into freeze are bodys way of protecting us.
    If we freeze in becomes trapped and we then need help to release it before we are able to move forward.



  66.  #66Annie on January 30, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    our*



  67.  #67Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    Femininewoman 42: yeah, I hear you…sometimes its a bit more complicated and not so black and white but still its not a great situation to get in the middle of IMHO

    I had a good friend of mine’s boyfriend come on to me. They are living together. This felt pretty awful. The moral of the story is: don’t live with anyone until you are married. I think if you do, it sends a signal to the man that you are okay with the situation and being faithful, exclusive and committed is not that important to you.



  68.  #68Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Wow Miss Bells 53, I’m so impressed with your great attitude after all the hardship you have been through.

    You deserve that inheritance! Enjoy!!!!



  69.  #69Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Liquid Light.
    “This felt pretty awful”

    Hi Liquid light, I remember an old thread around this.
    Where Rori advised to see how it made you feel, if you chose to go out with a Guy in a situation like this is you liked him and it was about what you then wanted.

    So in your case it felt awful and you don’t want to date a man who lives with another woman.



  70.  #70Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    What message does it send to a guy if we agree to date them and they are living with another woman?

    ” Hey she knows I am living with another woman and she is ok about it and is happy about it.”
    An open invitation to have his cake and eat it.



  71.  #71Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    I don’t want to date men who are living with another woman, or married, still married to another woman personally.



  72.  #72Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Yeah Annie 64, it felt awful because she is a good friend of mine and I try not to treat my good friends badly. Or anyone for that matter…operative word here is *try* as I def don’t always succeed. 😉

    And also it felt bad knowing that he’s not really good for her if he’s coming on to her friends. 🙁



  73.  #73Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Annie 65, yes, Annie, I agree, not a good message to send. Really starting out on a bad note with someone like that IMHO.



  74.  #74Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Eeek Liquid light.
    It feels doubly awful to me if it is a friend or relative.
    Even if they are no longer together and a ex. I just do not want to go there and would not feel good or right to me to date a friends ex, sisters ex, Mothers ex, aunties ex, even if My Mothers and Aunts ex were not blood relatives.
    It still would feel like incest to me.
    YUCK!



  75.  #75Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    And I would not want any man who wanted to do this.
    We would not be a match.
    Not be compatible.



  76.  #76Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    One of my friends ex’s is now marrying her sisters best friend, her sister introduced them.
    And they both go to her Mothers house and stay.
    The Mother says she doesn’t want them there but still has them there even though she knows it deeply upsets her daughter.
    I feel so sad for my friend.



  77.  #77Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Thanks Annie. I was just thinking its like apples and oranges…. In different fruit bowls. 🙂



  78.  #78Annie on January 30, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    I feel amused Turquoise.
    That is funny. 🙂



  79.  #79Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    🙂



  80.  #80Memulo on January 30, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We just came to my place after dinner and he us staying overnight and I want to cry. I am not happy but I feel safe. I don’t want to sleep with him!!!!!



  81.  #81Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    Memulo, Can you tell him that u don’t want him to spend the night? Usually men expect that you will have sex with them if they spend the night IMHO.



  82.  #82Memulo on January 30, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    I can’t tell him. It means to break up with him. He calls me and he treats me as his gfriend, yes he expects to have sex. I will probably chase players and liars till the day I die instead



  83.  #83Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    If you dont want to sleep with him then you shouldn’t. Chances are you will regret it later. And its not cool that he is pressuring you (sounds like it anyway).



  84.  #84Memulo on January 30, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I can’t let go of an idealistic dream. That I will find a mutual love one day. But I have to remember that even people who I loved don’t find me worthy of a simple good bye. It’s hard to meet someone who treats you well. For so many years my choice was always to rather be alone, struggle and look for love. And what did I achieve



  85.  #85Memulo on January 30, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    He is not pressuring me. He is trying to build something with me



  86.  #86Vi on January 30, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    (((Memulo))) If I was in that situation where a man initiates sex and I’m not feeling ready I would probably say ‘you know I feel confused. It feels so good to… and at the same time I feel not ready to have sex just yet and I’ll feel resistant if I do, and I dont want to feel that way with you. And I dont want to upset you either. What do you think?’ And if he asks what would feel good to me, I’d suggested what would feel good to me at the moment.. and observe how he’ll handle my don’t wants and boundaries..
    Send you warm beams of support..



  87.  #87Vi on January 30, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    I feel ashamed of typos. I love my shame. I’m not going to beat myself up. I can choose to channel this energy into working on my grammar and manifesting a new phone instead… I love me.



  88.  #88Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Memulo, if he really wants to build something with you, he wouldn’t want you to do something you don’t want. Because good chance, you’ll end it afterwards. Take care of you!

    Truthfully, Sweetheart has really grown on me. I never expected to feel the way I do.



  89.  #89Turquoise on January 30, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Oh lord, my soap opera life…. C and his girlfriend got back together. I offered to back out of the weekend, meet him at a different resort and drop the kids off, but he still wants me to go. Even though she doesn’t like it. He said its separate beds, girls will be glad I’m there, I should go. Sweetheart thinks I should go. I told them both that men are just different. She will hate this, I’d hate it if it were me, yet they both think the whole situation is fine. Then, C tells me I should bring SH, he actually likes him, and will get another room, his treat. Wtf. A month ago C wanted a BJ, and now he wants to get me and my boyfriend a room for the weekend so we can all be together. He is either incredibly centered, or screwed up. I don’t even now what to say, I’m sort of in shock.



  90.  #90Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    Memulo, If you feel like crying that means that something isn’t right. We need to trust our inner voice and instincts.



  91.  #91Indigo on January 30, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    I am feeling triggered, and very, very tired today.

    I don’t feel like being reasoned with, I just want to beat my little fists against a wall and get up in someone’s face and then fall to the floor in a puddle.

    Aaarrrggg. I’m glad I can say this. I’m feeling totally like my feelings are hot and having a field day inside me today.



  92.  #92Iamabutterfly on January 30, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    I felt really happy around a lot of people that I sometimes have social anxiety with tonight. It felt really good to not feel social anxiety. I felt like ME. That hasn’t happened in a long time. I feel sad that it hasn’t happened in a long time, but I also feel relieved and incredibly grateful.

    Out of the corner of my eye, I see what I perceive as SMC staring me down. Like he hates me. I have to remember that my perceptions can and are often wrong. but this feeling of guilt is really hard to shake.

    I feel bad about that entire situation. I think I did the right thing, for the sake of my crazy imagination and hormones (but there I go, judging my “crazy imagination” if that’s even what it is)

    Ran smack dab into Mr. Stares me Down. He was with another girl, and he was really nice to me, which surprised me, and I don’t know why it surprised me, but it did.

    I feel so angry at my emotional immaturity. If I had to guess, I would honestly put my emotional maturity level, not in every aspect of life, but at least when it comes to dating, at that of a thirteen year old. and that feels so humialiting.

    I feel so angry at my mother, for making me constantly second guess my intuition, for focusing on my negative qualities instead of my positive qualities, for talking me out of believing that every guy that I thought was interested in me wasn’t, for trying to hide my feminitity with baggy clothes, for making me feel too fat, too silly, too emotional, too much, too much for a man to ever love me, let alone like me enough to pursue an actual relationship with me.

    I feel angry at myself for many of the same things.

    and I feel so sad and lost, because I can’t tell if I’m making progress or not, and I feel so scared and lonely and stuck at the moment.

    Not in every aspect of life, just when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man. Intimate relationship with a man sounds like the biggest joke in the world to me.

    I remember when my roommate got engaged a few years ago, and I was telling someone about it, and a cute guy overheard me telling someone about it and thought I was talking about my own engagement.

    and I heard this voice, loud and clear in my head; “what’s wrong with him? This is ME we’re talking about. I can’t get engaged. I’m not supposed to get married.” and the scary thing is, I believed that voice and had no second thoughts about it!!!! I feel so angry that I believed that voice!!! that I didn’t have a million and two other voices telling me the wonderful truth about myself.

    i just needed to write that out. I feel guilty for being negative, but I think I’m still grieving for something. and I’m wondering where I am when it comes to all this new stuff, and I just feel scared and stuck and sad and angry and curious and tired and I just need that to be okay. Okay?



  93.  #93Indigo on January 30, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    D messaged me and sent me this beautiful song last night. It felt so good and soft. The lyrics even were so beautiful and relevant to our situation.

    And today I just want to yell at him. I won’t, but I just feel cross (yes that’s different from angry 🙂 ) and powerless today.



  94.  #94Liquid Light on January 30, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    OMG, lamabutterfly, I so love your honesty. It is such a gift to be so open and vulnerable and expressive in the way you are. I’m so touched. Thank you!!!



  95.  #95Iamabutterfly on January 30, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    What is the wonderful truth about myself? That any guy would be lucky to have me. That I’m incredibly lovable, unique, energetic, surprising, thoughtful, compassionate, gorgeous, cute, adorable, passionate, and dedicated.

    I am going to be pursued and fall passionately in love with a wonderful, good, godly man who will cherish me, protect me, RESPECT me, adore me, stare at me, think absolutely everything I do is precious, cute, interesting, fascinating. I am going to get married to this wonderful, good, godly man. He is going to buy a diamond ring and put it on my finger and he is going to be soooo excited about doing that that he can barely contain himself from shouting from the rooftops how he is the luckiest man alive to have ME.

    I feel so teary imagining that.
    and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel guilty admitteding that.
    I feel like I’m not supposed to have that.

    But I am!
    and I will!
    I will have that!



  96.  #96Ulii on January 30, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    @ Memulo 80

    Please, don´t sleep with him if you don’t want to. I have done it, and felt bad about myself. The times I have really listened to my feelings and went to sleep to another room, or sent a man who I had previously invited to my appartment to a hotel instead.. I actually felt really good about myself and having taken care of myself after that. And some men would drift away after that, but some have not. I believe the right man is going to respect you only more after you have put yourself first.

    “Of course he is expecting sex.” Sounds like pressure to me. I agree with Turquoise that if he really wants to build something with you, he wouldn´t want you to do something you don´t want.
    Just got the same told to me by cd few nights ago.



  97.  #97Ulii on January 30, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    @Phoenix
    I would ignore & block that man immediately.
    For what is written here, he seems a (at least emotionally) violent man.



  98.  #98Ulii on January 30, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    @90, Iamabutterfly

    “What is the wonderful truth about myself? That any guy would be lucky to have me. That I’m incredibly lovable, unique, energetic, surprising, thoughtful, compassionate, gorgeous, cute, adorable, passionate, and dedicated.”

    This is so beautiful! Sounds like a mantra any woman should repeat to herself over & over again.



  99.  #99Ulii on January 30, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    @ Starla

    I feel amazed of how talented you are! A viola!? Wow! 🙂



  100.  #100Ulii on January 30, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Music & playing instruments together (or to eachother) feels like something special, a really intimate way of being together and sharing.
    I had that with my ex and that’s something I’ll be missing always in a relationship where I can´t share that.

    One of the most beautiful experiences of our relationship was when I first sang a traditional song to him one night we were together in my then tiny livingroom, the electricity went off and so there was only candlelight. I had been feeling really shy about my singing and the half-darkness made me feel a bit more secure and I finally did it (he had been asking me for some time already)… It was really wonderful to express that side of me to him and suddenly I felt so really close. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me that moment.



  101.  #101Ulii on January 30, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Sorry, I´d like to catch up with all of the blog & comment on everything, but just can’t as I really must get some sleep.

    ((((All wonderful sirens))))



  102.  #102GlowStix on January 30, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Liquid light

    My husband hit on my good friend.

    Just popped into my head as I read your post about your friends boyfriend. lol and I felt compelled to say it.



  103.  #103GlowStix on January 30, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Ex – husband now, to be clear 😉

    He full on tried to have sex with her and groped her when he was drunk. So gross 😛



  104.  #104shawnsupergirl on January 30, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Girl dump that Virgo everyone i ever met was a self adsorbed ass and if a man talks that way now they will later and worse. I believe in the horoscopes to a point but, i am Aquarius and Virgo are just bad news for the ones i have known. best of luck .



  105.  #105Miss Bells on January 30, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    HS chatted me on FB today, wrote on my timeline, and then, much later, commented on one of my posts. He is NOT a big user of FB…
    We are getting together tomorrow for the weekend, including the usual super-bowl party at a friend’s house. And on FRiday and Saturday we will be entertaining an out of town guest.
    He seems to be BUZZING around me. I feel good about it.



  106.  #106Memulo on January 30, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Thank you sirens for your help.

    My problem is that even in his arms I think of someone else. Tonight it occurred to me that the someone I think about forgot about my existence by now and partially because I just shut up when he disappeared on me. I didn’t cause him any inconvenience, not even a text saying he is a liar. As if I never existed or dont matter or even had someone else on the side and dont care.



  107.  #107MovingMagic on January 31, 2013 at 12:05 am

    I had a date on the dance floor tonight. The dancing was HOT! I feel like I’m getting closer (to myself) and in doing so I’m drawing more & more people to me with similar life styles, creative interests, passions, & zest for life. It feels amazing, magical, warm…and so right!



  108.  #108Daria on January 31, 2013 at 2:29 am

    Body writhing kundalini transformation growing like the tree the hulk was no joke the weed feed me n I thrive constant meditation got my mind the help she needs to suck out every rice grain of tension from my heart

    Releasing memories of forgotten sex abuse n crying on knees n living

    To where reality is what I want n my feelings flow healing me spontaneously

    The men love me . Security man is back. All men gifting and adoring me



  109.  #109Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 3:30 am

    I feel as if I’ve hit a difficult point in my healing. I know this because I feel all vulnerable. I feel a bit alone, unsure, confused and a bit panicky.

    I breathe through it and go for a walk, and it dissipates a bit. And it’s not nearly as intense as it once was. There actually are good feelings underneath it. But I don’t know how to reassure myself.

    I feel anxious and afraid today, and a bit cross.

    I don’t really know what to do.



  110.  #110Tam on January 31, 2013 at 4:43 am

    ((((Indigo))))



  111.  #111Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 4:51 am

    Indigo, it will pass. Uncertainty is normal, no one has the answers, or not for long;)



  112.  #112Tam on January 31, 2013 at 4:51 am

    I had a major lapse last night.
    I feel like I am confessing to mancrack anonymus and I also feel like I am actually mad. Crazy.

    All it took was this comment from a friend:
    ‘I don’t understand why you and MrP are not getting it together. I mean, this has been going on for years now. He doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life, does he? You can’t find anyone who ever matches up, and neither can he, else he wouldn’t be asking you on skiing holidays and contacting you all the time. I just don’t get it. Speak to him and ask him what he wants and ask him what the problem is here, because I just don’t get it. Nobody does!! You have to talk to him’.

    Ok. So this is the most unsireny Lady ever, though she got married lately (so it worked for her, haha).
    Of course I am not going to talk to MrP, because the whole thing is done and dusted – if he wanted me he’d be making it clear or at least try to see me in person and stepping up. I just got so triggered by the comment because I feel like what she says, it kind of hit me in the heart and yet – there is nothing I can do anymore. After 2 1/2 years, I have tried to live my own life, I have tried to date others, I have leant back, leant forward, tried to talk, write, been a pseudo gf, a FWB, a best friend. We’ve done it all.
    What else is there to say? I also just want to shake him and say ‘come on!!!!’.
    But of course, I can’t and won’t. Because he doesn’t work like that and I don’t either.
    I am just so sick and tired of it.
    I cried all night but more out of anger that this situation is still swirling in my head. And out of anger that such a comment from my friend spun me out of control.
    I feel lost, really.
    Really, really lost.
    Hopeless.
    Today is another day and I just woke up feeling flat and resigned and thought ‘yep, it’s a nice day, must do something nice for myself’.
    And then my only work success in January just fell through, so I pretty much worked a whole month for nothing.
    It’s ok, but I run low on energy.



  113.  #113Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 4:53 am

    My cd treats me so well. He always shows me a lot of attention and affection. He reassures me in his willingness to be with me constantly.



  114.  #114Tam on January 31, 2013 at 4:56 am

    oh and she also said that she thinks we are both crazy because she has never seen two people so compatible with intellect, interests, and so attracted to each other that they can’t let go for years…..and yet not get it together. I got even more mad.
    I got totally mad in my head. I managed to keep it together in the restaurant and just nod and say ‘yes, I know, yes I know, yes, I know. Let’s change the subject please’. But it all came out when I got home.
    Urgh.
    What a mess.



  115.  #115Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Tam have you tried to make a tough decision? I wasn’t following your story enough, but if you feel you’ve expressed what you want with him (the talk like your friend suggested) if you really think you’ve done it and nothing changed, have you tried to cut him off completely? Because I think that texting and keeping in touch may work more or less well for him if he is afraid to commit, but not for you.



  116.  #116Tam on January 31, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Focus back on me today. Try to recover some work losses, some mental sanity losses…and so on.



  117.  #117Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:01 am

    109. Memulo, sigh, I know.
    I just don’t know anymore.
    It would be so silly to cut it off as our lives are kind of intertwined with various friends also.
    And I don’t want to.
    I realise it would be the best thing to do probably.
    I just don’t know.
    He always finds a way to contact me, even if I tell him not to….I could just try to not answer ever, and he would get bored I guess.



  118.  #118Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 5:03 am

    Tam I’ve seen cases with high compatibility and attraction that led to nothing, because it’s not enough. You have to be able or at least willing to sustain a relationship. Do not accept anything less than that. It’s not that hard for him to try, he knows he is not doing it, it’s his conscious choice. Think about it



  119.  #119Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:08 am

    Plus, yes, I have expressed what I want and that I don’t want to be friends and blah blah blah….and he stays away for a bit and then forgets…I guess he forgets what I said, or ignores it or just tests the waters to see if I’m still open.
    The stupid thing here is that I could probably have a relationship with him, as long as nobody mentions the words ‘relationship’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘girlfriend’ and so on. Well, it was never good enough for me. I don’t want to be the inofficial companion. That was the big thing that drove us apart.
    And I don’t feel like budging on it, because it would just leave me very insecure, although I know he wouldn’t ‘cheat’ or whatever else…
    I would always think ‘what’s wrong with me?’
    Because he had girlfriends before…and he has committed to them. So I would always be left thinking ‘why not to me, why not?’
    It would drive me crazy.



  120.  #120Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 5:08 am

    He knows he is not losing you completely, he can keep in touch and postpone ‘the decision’ for later. He’s old enough and danced this dance many times, don’t you think? Never commited to anyone? Sorry to be so tough on you.



  121.  #121Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:10 am

    (((((((((Tam)))))))))



  122.  #122Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:12 am

    112, well amongst his many issues is that he has an attachment problem. It’s not quite that straight forward. He pushes or pulls and also, he gets extremely clingy at times, like totally insecure when I needed to leave his house, he would not want to let me go and freak.He would freak when I went to the bathroom because he thought I would leave.
    So….ermmm..well.
    The guy has some real problems, which doesn’t help.



  123.  #123Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:13 am

    114 Memulo, he has ‘committed’ to people that were unavailable, i e still married or whatever. Go figure 😉



  124.  #124Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 5:15 am

    This already drives you crazy and you’re not even getting much out of it, i. e. no spending time together and enjoying each others company



  125.  #125Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:17 am

    Sigh. Well, I thought I was over it.
    Guess I am not.
    That’s what I really care about, who cares what he does.
    I care about me and I don’t like this.



  126.  #126Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 5:19 am

    Tam did you read the book Men Who Can’t Love? It’s about commitmentphobics. It was very helpful to me in terms of recognizing the patterns, even if the actual events were different. The only way to fight it is not to be available to them unless it’s a relationship that satisfies you



  127.  #127Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:21 am

    and THEN she said, my friend,: ‘you’d make the cutest couple ever’.
    OMG. TRIGGERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
    I am thinking of banning her from speaking about him. Something she has tried to get me to do. Now that I have stopped, she starts.
    Never let friends undermine you, haha 😉



  128.  #128Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:22 am

    @Tam

    “Committing” to unavailables is really easy. I think MrP is terrified of intimacy. But you know it, don’t you?

    I also believe these are just some lower energy days that sometimes happen.

    More hugs!



  129.  #129CurvySiren10 on January 31, 2013 at 5:23 am

    Turq-84…. sorry but I had to smile a bit at this. 🙂 I don’t wanna generalize too much here, but for the most part, men will take a BJ no matter what else is going on. lol -He was single, you were single. If you were willing, he would SO take it. That has simply nothing to do with the fact that he’s happy for you and Sweetheart several weeks later. I really think sex is one of those “compartmental” things that guys do with ease. (Women- not so much…)

    Good luck this weekend. Yeah, it’s pretty weird going away that way when you’re both in relationships. In fact, this triggers me hugely because of my own history with it, but if I take my own experience out of the equation, I can see where it could work fine and fun for your girls.



  130.  #130Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:25 am

    122 thank you Ulii..yes, I know it, I know him.
    Pfff.



  131.  #131Tam on January 31, 2013 at 5:28 am

    120 oh wow Memulo, nope never heard of the book.
    The one big realisation and message I got from all this, quite some time ago, was that I too was afraid of intimacy..and I have really tried to read up on the subject and work through my own issues.
    I realised that the theory is easy but in practice being open and authentic etc etc – is very hard for me.
    So I guess he showed me something about myself, as well as introducing me to some lovely friends. I guess that was the message. Time to let go.



  132.  #132Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Sirens do you think that me being silent after the unreturned phone call can be interpreted as not interested enough?



  133.  #133CurvySiren10 on January 31, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Memulo, I think a man who wants you would be in touch with you, pursuing you, curious about you… I’m sorry but I don’t think it has anything to do with your silence.



  134.  #134Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 5:54 am

    @93 Ulii – Thanks so much, Ulii. That was kind of a big “aha” moment for me, and it felt so great to have your support!

    @89 Liquid Light – Thank you. It means a lot when I open my heart and make myself vulnerable to have recognition.



  135.  #135Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 6:01 am

    @ Memulo

    I agree with CurvySiren here.
    In fact, he went silent first on you (if I understood correctly, that he didn’t take your call).. To me it seems you are beating yourself up too much. You, your feelings, your heart.. is all worth so much more and worth of being loved, protected and cherished, firstly by yourself and also by a man in your life. But what you say, leaves a feeling that the one who is more important here is him, his feelings & how he perceived things. We have to put ourselves first, we have to put our hearts first (I think FW posted here an extract fron CCareter that expressed that quite nicely too…)…
    Are you maybe looking for some kind of closure from him? Why do you really need it?



  136.  #136Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 6:14 am

    @42 Feminine Woman – For me personally, a man is offlimits if he has a girlfriend. I’ve only recently learned that men view relationships very differently from women. (ie: if they are not married, they are single, even if they have a girlfriend.)

    Guys with girlfriends are a personal trigger for me. Maybe because of my fear of intimacy, I can only feel safe with a “taken” man, because that’s less scary to me.

    I have fallen deeply in love with a man when he had a girlfriend. I didn’t mean to, of course, but it just happened. I think he loved me too. But love doesn’t mean anything to me, if you are not willing to let go of your “insurance plan” and take a chance on me.

    I don’t want to be any guys “insurance plan.”
    I want to be THE ONLY PLAN.

    I feel sad. 🙁



  137.  #137Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 6:30 am

    ((((lama))))

    For me the man is offlimits if he has a gf too. It shows me he is not capable of loyality, or is too confused to know what he really wants or too afraid to go after it, or just too comfortable and want to have all that he gets out of women without choosing & committing to one. And that to me eventually shows he is still not a real man, but a “-man-boy” or a coward. However cute he might be and how much attraction there would be with him… he´s still an unavailable guy to be there for me fully or to love me and give me the relationship I want.
    And I always tend to imagine myself in his gf’s place and feel bad for her too.



  138.  #138Dominique on January 31, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Iamabutterfly – 130 – I don’t think this is true. I don’t even think most men think they are single if they have a girlfriend.

    You might ask yourself where this belief comes from and look for ways to shift this.

    In all my years of dating and being in relationships, not one of the men I was with thought this way or felt this way.

    I do think dating a man with a gf is treading on dangerous territory. The chances of being hurt are high. I feel strongly that one needs to finish up with former business before taking up with another.

    Though a separated man who is in the process of divorce though depending on his circumstances, could be okay.

    I was still married when K and I got together though the papers had been filed and the emotional connection was long dead. And this worked very well, as you know.

    xxoo



  139.  #139Tam on January 31, 2013 at 6:38 am

    131 Ulii, ditto. Feeling exactly the same.
    It’s like going for a married man. So when you finally have him, will you be able to trust that he doesn’t run off with the next best thing?
    No.
    I have seen it in my own family. My Dad broke the marriage for another woman..she was the mistress, now the wife. Consequently she has eyes everywhere, my poor Dad is hardly allowed to go to the grocery store by himself.
    That’s what happens.
    I would not like a man who has a girlfriend, particularly a live-in one. It’s bad karma too. That could be me one day. Nah.



  140.  #140Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 6:43 am

    This last summer I had a short 4-day affaire with a friend who I felt madly attracted to. And he had a long distance gf then. I knew it was not something right to do, but I let the situation (I went to visit him in another country + we went camping to a naturally amazing & isolated place) and my needs for affection & beautiful words get to me and I let myself go for that moment´s passion.
    But after that he didn’t leave his gf (with whom according to him he didn´t feel good & had nothing in common) and wanted us to be in regular contact by skype & chat and for me to go to visit him again…
    So I ended up feeling just like a virtual FWB, although he was telling me I´m his soulmate. But the truth was, he liked his life like that: having a long distance gf, and by side having me (and maybe more girls) as his “friend” or soulmate and occasional sex partner.
    I felt bad in such setting and cut contact with him, saying “Write me when you are single again.” as I decided I love myself too much for accepting to continue like that.
    He is still sending me texts “Miss you”. etc. But there’s no action there. And for now I already don´t care. I just send a friendly answer “Hope you´re fine too.” And that´s it.



  141.  #141Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Memulo RE 126. In my humble opinion it could. I have more than once felt tempted to ask you why don’t you just contact him and get over him. The thing is he might just blow you off because he obviously was not invested. Plus here you are pining away for him so there would be nothing in your vibe that would inspire him. He would likely feel desperation coming from you rather than a rockstar vibe. I know this is not what you want to hear but go deep inside yourself and see what place you would coming from and what it is that you would want from him. Obviously it is a relationship you want because he has demonstrated materially that he has the means to take care of you. This part of attraction is built in to our biological instinct.

    With all this wanting and pull towards him he would definitely feel it. With Valentine’s day on the horizon I imagine that he would be suspicious of your contact. Frankly speaking if I were him, I am not convinced I would take your call.

    That said I have read this response from Rori to someone else:-

    Tammi – you’re in a good position here. You’re in a small town – won’t you run into him? If not, you have nothing to lose by contacting him and inviting him somewhere as a “friend.” Then tell him you’ve got a coach, and you don’t want exclusivity, but you’re dating and would like to date him as well if he’s still interested….if not…let it go. (I know, easy to say…) Love, Rori

    I am not sure if it is applicable to your situation. However, as you will note it is dependent on whether the man is interested. My sense based on what you have been writing, the place you are in is that you want something from him. You want to convince him that he should be with you. You want to convince him that he should love you. Unfortunately emotions are emotions, they are not logical. They just are and nothing you say can make him love if he doesn’t. The bottom line is that the man is still married, isn’t he? What can he realistically offer you while he is not really single? Also do you really believe a man who is fresh out of a bad marriage and not crashing his boat on your island will throw caution to the wind to settle with you or any other woman immediately? Taking into consideration how much he will be losing in a divorce.



  142.  #142Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I feel fine with a guy wanting to CD. but if you have a gf, to me, that says, you are moving towards a commitment, wanting her all to yourself. which is a trap, as Rori Raye believes.

    I feel a little guilty, as I feel like I use the idea of CDing as an insurance plan.

    I usually have a favorite (even though no dates actually take place. cough cough cough cough cough) and then the other guys that I “keep my heart open to, (even though, again, dates rarely take place. cough cough cough cough cough) and these other guys who aren’t necessarily my favorite are my insurance plans.

    I feel so icky…

    I need to make peace with this, somehow…



  143.  #143Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 6:49 am

    @132 Dominique – You are such an angel! Your insight makes so much sense and is so comforting, as always. Thank you so so much. 🙂 I’ve really got some issues to heal.

    I feel scared and excited to heal these issues.



  144.  #144Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 6:53 am

    I think it’s only “a trap,” though, because people with commitment issues usually become extremely frightened of making the real commitment of marriage, especially as it “looms closer.” By a woman (or a man, for that matter) keeping his or her options open while the commitment phoebe person “wakes up and realizes how much he/she cares and doesn’t want to lose bf/gf” he or she is keeping his or her self-esteem/sanity in tact.



  145.  #145Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 7:00 am

    I feel like “fear of commitment” is definitely a male stereo type.

    Supposedly, men are the ones who are more scared of commitment.

    I wonder if this stereo-type didn’t spring from women who were of the “pushy persuasion.”

    My experience has been that “I” am almost always the one who gets scared of commitment.

    I guess when anyone “pushes too hard” the other party is going to resist.

    so, when men are the ones heavily pursuing, the women resist, while if women are the ones heavily pursuing, men resist.

    i’ve read this somewhere…

    What happens when we stop resisiting?
    Marriage?
    haha.

    I have this belief that women should always be the ones resisting.

    Men SHOULD be the pursuers.

    I look at women who have done the pursuing, and I judge them.

    I hate them.

    Probably because a woman came in and stole the man I loved from me.

    I don’t like all the subtle sneakiness that takes place when people are “in relationships” but not “committed.”



  146.  #146Mercedes on January 31, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Iama: J has a girlfriend (me… 🙂 ) and he doesn’t feel this way at all: “I’ve only recently learned that men view relationships very differently from women. (ie: if they are not married, they are single, even if they have a girlfriend.)”

    When people ask us if we’re married we usually respond with “We are happily in love”. We’re not married, but we’re certainly not single and neither of us feels single at all.

    Turquoise: I think you have the perfect offer here. If I were his girlfriend, I’d feel a lot more comfortable and secure knowing you were there in a different room with your boyfriend. I’d take him up on the offer if I were you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  147.  #147Dominique on January 31, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Iamabutterfly – 139 – When you stop resisting, everything has the the opportunity to flow. This doesn’t mean giving in though. It means allowing clarity to grow.

    xxoo



  148.  #148Mercedes on January 31, 2013 at 7:20 am

    I don’t think most men who don’t want to get married are afraid of commitment either. “Not married” doesn’t equal “not committed” in my view.

    You can be very committed and not have a legal agreement binding you. I realize lots of people want that legality and I think that’s really great for them but for those of us who don’t need anything like that, we are still very, very committed.

    Not having the same last name and not having our assets combined for legal purposes does not mean we are not committed and does not mean we have a fear of commitment. It really just means we feel no need to get married.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  149.  #149Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Tam – I am partially in agreement with your friend.

    You have to talk to him – is good advice to really deal with your fear of intimacy. I see Rori encourage women to do this. If and when he contacts you about holidays and doing things I would ask him what he sees for us, why is it that he is constantly contacting you though you are not together. Maybe what he thinks might have gone wrong between you why things didn’t work out.

    Stick to your guns about what you want and I would keep bringing up the topic. You are not asking him for anything, you are sharing your dreams for your life. It is my belief that women who “gets it” know that deep down men want real relationships. They know that men want to deeply connect with a woman. So they allow him when he comes toward them and then let them go when they move away. It is wired in their genes to seek connection.

    Truly I don’t believe he forgot anything. I believe everytime he thinks of you he thinks of you as the forever girl. In other words “if I want to be with her I have to offer her the whole kit and kaboodle”. Just that he might be still a little scared. I believe if you are truly honest with yourself you will admit that you are a bit hardedged, prickly and jaded. Men are loyal and with all that he is still loyal to you. Keep telling him specifically what you want until you get to the place where you don’t care if he gives you or not but you can say it softly and warmly so he feels safe. Maybe tell him to imagine himself in a relationship where he feels supported by his greatest fan, appreciated for all the things he does and respected for the great man who he is. Tell him to imagine how that would feel and let him know that is what you want for yourself which is the reason you are voting for yourself. Allow yoruself to feel what you feel and speak from those feelings. Let him know you feel disappointed that you don’t talk as often as you used to and that you miss feeling him close. Men open their hearts to love when they feel safe and feel respected. As you feel comfortable sharing your feelings he will feel safe to share his. I would keep doing it every time he comes towards me, especially if I don’t card.



  150.  #150Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I am only resistant to commitment when I feel hesitant about the man, like he is not the one for me. Or when I need more time to get to know him.

    Leads me to think that men might feel similarly.
    I believe when a man wants me, he will commit to me and he will offer it first.
    That’s how it always happened.
    MrP doesn’t want me. Get a grip, Tam 😉



  151.  #151CurvySiren10 on January 31, 2013 at 7:24 am

    …and there are those who DO get married and still don’t combine names or finances- or even residences. 🙂 Yep, “Living Apart Together”. An actual Census category! I’m going to write a book on this someday. 🙂

    Relationships don’t have a static set of rules to abide by. We can define them any way we want and so long as it works for the couple involved, what is the issue?

    Some men have girlfriends and VERY MUCH consider themselves “taken”; others do not. It’s one of those case-by-case things in my opinion. You’ve really gotta stay curious to know where each person is with this stuff.



  152.  #152Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I am resistant to commitment when I feel unsure of myself.



  153.  #153Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Thanks for your input, ladies. I feel so unbelievably triggered and want to get to the bottom of my feelings…



  154.  #154Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:27 am

    My mind keeps drifting to coco kisses and wondering about how she is doing.



  155.  #155Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Thank you FW, that was a sweet post and probably quite accurate.
    I just run out of energy because I have stated my needs…you know?
    And it seems my words just get brushed aside and he tries time and time again to get as much out of me as he can with as little commitment as possible.
    Which I don’t blame him for at all. I think I was doing the same to Curly…actually.
    Trying to get fun and feel loved etc, without having to accept him as my bf.
    Perhaps that is human nature?
    I can keep stating my boundaries again and again…even though I really don’t think it makes much of a difference.
    Yes, I am prickly and jaded..though not so much in interactions with MrP. They were mainly lighthearted and fun lately. Now I realised how that actually probably backfired…it was ok for a bit and then started feeling bad.
    Sigh.



  156.  #156Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:29 am

    MrP doesn’t want me.- Really Tam?

    From what I have read, I am under the impression that you kicked him out because he did not agree with the label girlfriend.



  157.  #157Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 7:30 am

    “I was never the little girl who dreamed about a wedding or a big white dress. (that’s so me!) I don’t think I’m sour on marriage. I just don’t know if I’m the type.

    “Marriage seems scary to me. I’m in a serious relationship. We have a dog together. We live five minutes from each other. It’s heaven. I think that might be the key: separate houses, separate bank accounts. Why mess with that?”

    – Krysten Ritter

    Honestly, her relationship sounds like a dream to me. Separate houses, separate bank accounts? But you can still be together?

    It would feel so great to be able to afford my own home, without the “assistance” of a man.

    I don’t know anyone who describes marriage as easy. But I know plenty who describe it as “worth it.”

    feeling so confused…



  158.  #158Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:31 am

    They were mainly lighthearted and fun lately – but is this how you authentically felt on a deeper level? What was truly going on below that?



  159.  #159Mercedes on January 31, 2013 at 7:32 am

    CurvySiren10: “Living Apart Together” – This is what I thought I would want for myself forever. I changed and my relationship changed into something different than that but I sooooo get the concept. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  160.  #160Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Actually, your comment made me cry now FW.
    It’s so nice.



  161.  #161Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 7:32 am

    People tell me I look like Krysten Ritter too…



  162.  #162Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:35 am

    152 FW, yes, I did truly feel it was fun and lighthearted – at first. Perhaps I forgot to dig deeper into my feelings?
    I then realised that there was more to it. Sigh.



  163.  #163Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:35 am

    ..as it went on for a few days



  164.  #164Mercedes on January 31, 2013 at 7:36 am

    This was J and I EXACTLY until I finally made the move to actually live with him and give up having my own place. I don’t regret moving in at all, but this was really great too for the place we were in at the time:

    “I’m in a serious relationship. We have a dog together. We live five minutes from each other.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  165.  #165Dominique on January 31, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Iamabutterfly – My marriage IS easy as was the ten years together prior. It was ME and what I was working on which felt difficult. Now ALL of it is easy, flowy in all ways.

    xxoo



  166.  #166Dominique on January 31, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Miss M – But what it took you to get to that place!!! lol

    xxoo



  167.  #167Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:37 am

    I think MrP is terrified of intimacy – I think women are more terrified of intimacy than men are.



  168.  #168Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Tam I wonder what giving up resisting yourself about the Mr. P issue would look like?

    Sometimes I get the sense that you put on the tough girl exterior to convince us and maybe yourself that you are over him.



  169.  #169Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:40 am

    161. FW, he is and I am too.
    He knows it. I know it.
    Yet, awareness is just one step.



  170.  #170Mercedes on January 31, 2013 at 7:40 am

    Oh yes Dominique…Nothing I have with J came easily for either of us. BUT…we’re here now and we’ve been sailing smoothly for many years….YAY us!!! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  171.  #171Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:41 am

    162..well, FW, I thought I was!!
    That’s the silly bit. I really thought I was!!
    Turns out, I am not.



  172.  #172CurvySiren10 on January 31, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Mercedes, the thing is that “Living Apart Together” can mean so many things. It can mean living together and not being married or sharing finances (like you do) or it can mean what Krysten Ritter has (5 mins apart, sharing a dog) or it can mean being married but choosing not to share names or finances or residences, but be 100% totally committed. (my situation)

    Point being– relationships are for the two people in them to design, to live, to feel comfortable with.



  173.  #173Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:41 am

    It’s frustrating, you know?
    I feel very frustrated.



  174.  #174Mercedes on January 31, 2013 at 7:45 am

    CurvySiren10: I completely agree. I have one thing now, I had what Kristen has a few years ago and I wanted what you have for many years while I was married. I so agree…something is out there for each of us and those needs and desires can change and…yay for being humans…we can adjust to whatever we want whenever that time is right for us.

    I LOVE it!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  175.  #175Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 7:45 am

    (((((Tam)))) I know the feeling.



  176.  #176Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:48 am

    So am I Tam. Last night I had a dream about my most recent ex. Someone I deeply respect and wish we could get back together. I dreamt I was at his house. I went upstairs to use his bathroom, and hanging like on a line running up the stairs were women’s underwear. He was in the bathroom, seemingly with No 2 on his back and the door was opened so he saw me. He was embarassed and sheepish as he came down the stairs later, with the woman’s underwear brushing against him, telling me that I could have used the bathroom downstairs. I don’t know what the dream means but it is a reminder that I am still in love with him though I have tried to put him in a small place in the very back of my heart. It is also a reminder that he might be in a relationship with another woman, though I don’t like to think about that. Silly me. I still sent him a little blessing this morning hoping that he is happy, whatever it is that is happening in his life.



  177.  #177Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 7:49 am

    I sent the blessing through the ether.



  178.  #178Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:51 am

    170 ((((FW)))) sigh.
    I also have dreams like that about MrP occasionally though not often now. Urgh.
    I keep saddling up the donkey to trot on, I suppose.



  179.  #179CurvySiren10 on January 31, 2013 at 7:53 am

    I love your vibe today FW. Feels very soft, very open, very wise.



  180.  #180Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:55 am

    One thing I know for sure. I can’t keep dating and going out with men, even starting relationships and then get frustrated with them because they are not MrP. That feels so silly.
    Yet, that’s what has been happening.
    I mean, really.
    I almost said it to Curly’s face on Sunday.
    ‘My ex would never ever have done that, Curly.’
    It was on the tip of my tongue. And all the way home I was bawling my eyes out, not because Curly had behaved that way, just because I knew MrP would have handled the situation totally differently and with respect for me and having my back…
    and I felt so stupid.
    Pfff.



  181.  #181Tam on January 31, 2013 at 7:57 am

    173, ditto CS, FW is very inspiring.



  182.  #182ruth on January 31, 2013 at 8:00 am

    the vibe on here feels generally very open today
    And a bit vulnerable

    or maybe thats just me projecting



  183.  #183Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Thanks Curvy. I am learning from all the wonderful women here.



  184.  #184Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Mancrack anonymous confession of the day:

    I have been dating men, I have had a 6 month relationship…a couple of almost relationships…etc etc over the last 2 years…all the while this MrP thing went on. I dated them to get over it….and I ‘punished’ them for not being him. I sabotaged the relationship eloping with MrP every weekend my bf had his kids. I had no bad conscience because I knew who I wanted to be with.
    Did dating/sleeping with/being romanced by other guys help me get over MrP?
    NO. The opposite happened, actually. They never measured up.
    I need to find another way. Clearly.



  185.  #185Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:07 am

    RE 174 Tamn maybe something to share with Mr.P about how you appreciate the way he treats/treated you. The secret about appreciation is that it is recognition and men feel cherished when their actions are appreciated. You obviously did something right to bring him. The part to figure out I believe is how to make him stay forever. I believe your path will become clearer, even if you end up with another man.



  186.  #186Lori on January 31, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Tam 178. That’s how I kind of feel. I’ve been CDing but I realized I’m comparing everyone to K. They don’t measure up. I’m still going to keep doing it though because it still helps me to feel good. I need to practice opening my heart to others.



  187.  #187Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:10 am

    I sabotaged the relationship eloping with MrP every weekend my bf had his kids – hugs (((((((((Tam))))). No one is perfect. Maybe the challenge then is to get him to a place where he sees/feels you as more than a fling?



  188.  #188Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:11 am

    I need to practice opening my heart to others.

    Me too. And most of all to myself.



  189.  #189Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:12 am

    179 FW, it’s true. I always have though, expressed my gratitude when he did something and my appreciation – and I know that this, together with opening up at times and the feeling messages, has brought him closer. Alas, never for long and never lasting. But yes, it all helps to practice for my man when and if he shows up. Whoever it may be. Sigh.



  190.  #190Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:13 am

    181..FW, and that is where I am stumped, because I feel resigned and that I already tried my best. You know?



  191.  #191Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Got this in my mailbox. It is a piece of an email

    How to Eliminate these Triggers and Establish a Deep Emotional Connection…

    The good news is that you can uncover what these triggers are (for BOTH of you) and set the stage for both of you to plant, nurture, and harvest new feelings of love and intimacy.

    Here’s exactly what you do:

    First, think of a few actions you know set him off. Be specific. You know what they are, if you dig deep enough – you use a “tone,” you make a face, you have a specific phrase you say when discussing a touchy subject, whatever.

    And when you use any of these things, you get a negative response out of him. Write those down now and remember them.

    Second, go straight to the source: ask him what you do that sets off his emotional firebombs. But don’t get defensive…let him have his say…just listen.

    He may feel reluctant at first to share, or maybe he’s not even aware that there might be something specific linked to his going off. Regardless, after you begin compiling your list, here is what you do…

    Avoid those words or actions at ALL COSTS.



  192.  #192Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Lori, good for you, really. I think CDing is great. I have been doing it for more than 2 years now and I am not advocating stopping it when it makes you feel good.
    It doesn’t make me feel so good right now. At this time it feels a bit like some unpleasant chore to me.
    So I cancelled my internet dating and everything.
    Prob a temporary frustration. Don’t know.



  193.  #193Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:17 am


  194.  #194Lori on January 31, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Tam, one thing I’m learning is that we have to do what makes US feel good and what’s right for us. I totally get where you are coming from. I miss K a lot and this feels really weird in some aspects. I think because I know my heart isn’t available to anyone else. So it feels like I’m not being fair to anyone else.



  195.  #195Annie on January 31, 2013 at 8:23 am

    174.
    Hugs Tam.
    I believe this is why Rori suggests cding more that two, to not get invested or hung up on any one individual then. Do you think that would help?

    “‘My ex would never ever have done that, Curly.’”
    How did whatever the ‘behavior that Curly did make you feel Tam?
    Do you feel able to reverse the energy?
    Focusing on how that behavior made you feel and what you do and don’t want? Rather than the individual man?
    Do you feel able to process how that made you feel and follow those feelings?
    Until you come out the other side knowing if it is tolerable for you, to see and hear the message or if it is something you don’t want to tolerate and is a deal breaker is it something you want in your life or not?
    Are you able to let it go?
    Or is it intolerable to you?
    We have no control over others behavior and life choices.
    We do have control over if we want to tolerate and have that in our lives unless we are in a real helpless situation like with a parents when we are children, or in a hostage situation etc.



  196.  #196Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:26 am

    I was kind of contemplating going cold Turkey and just not answering to any contact attempts anymore.
    But it’s kind of unrealistic, as we do have common friends and next month there is a likely overlap of people/socialising.
    I think it would feel best to go with FW’s suggestion and just keep open and reiterating my wants and needs, when/if he gets into contact.
    I will keep hearing the same thing, but at least it feels more authentic than hiding.
    All that can happen is what happened anyway, him responding that we want different things and he would like to be fwb’s or whatever.
    Big deal, I heard it before, so whatever.
    I shall try to be authentic and open.
    Even if it is a huge effort.



  197.  #197Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:28 am

    189 Annie, no. At this point it does not help me anymore. I was CDing for two years, multiple people, exclusively, I was even in a relationship..and still CDing platonically.
    I am sorry to say it helped to distract me momentarily but other than that – nope.
    In fact, it made me home in on what I am missing.



  198.  #198Lori on January 31, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Tam 191, again, I totally get what you’re saying.



  199.  #199Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:31 am

    yes, agreed on the Curly situation..it was a general observance in what I want/don’t want in a man.
    Just so happens that MrP has those traits. Not saying that other men don’t.
    For sure they do.
    We just clicked on many levels…and it’s not that easy to find, not to say it’s impossible but out of experience…well, it happened to me once before. I am nearly 40. Just sayin.
    I haven’t given up hope, not at all. But I don’t believe CDing like crazy is helping me now because it’s not fun for me at this time. And it doesn’t make me feel good. So why do it.



  200.  #200Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:33 am

    how timely, an email from Rori ‘say no to friends with benefits’..cool 🙂



  201.  #201Lori on January 31, 2013 at 8:36 am

    lol!! I just got it too Tam. I do have a FWB but I really don’t want more with him. We are great friends and both of us are content to leave it at that. We weren’t FWBs while I was with K.

    I couldn’t have that with K. I would like a future with him.



  202.  #202Tam on January 31, 2013 at 8:40 am

    yeah, well, I could have been FWB with Curly I suppose…meh….but he wanted more… And I didn’t want to risk getting attached either, since he isn’t for me really.



  203.  #203Starla on January 31, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I wonder what happened with Memulo… I felt so worried and like crying when I saw her saying she didn’t want to sleep with him. Don’t do it then! omg! please!!!



  204.  #204Lori on January 31, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Hey ladies, yesterday was beyond a crazy and stressful day with work. The upside was that I didn’t have time to think about K. Thinking about him a lot today and “feeling” him.

    I’m realizing that I feel more anxious when I’m overly tired (too much work) and when it’s been a few days since I’ve heard from him. But…I do know that time is different for men.



  205.  #205Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:48 am

    From Rori’s email today:-

    I feel so bad, so vulnerable, so lost and sad. I feel like I haven’t taken care of myself. I can’t handle seeing you. It feels too bad. I can’t be your friend, and I don’t want to be your friend until I no longer feel attached to you. So please don’t call me again, or come over.”

    And if he DOES call, or shows up at your home, I suggest strongly that you hang up the phone, slam the door before he says ANYTHING. If you need protection, call the police.

    Yes – I’m totally serious here. You are – and I’m going to start a series about this, because I use this harsh terminology with my clients all the time since it’s very helpful to see it from this perspective – you are a JUNKIE.

    He’s like the needle you can’t wait to stick in your arm. You’re giving him your body, your heart, your friendship. And for what? For the thrill he gives you when he’s with you.

    Same with heroin. It makes you high, and then it destroys your life. But you can’t let go of wanting the “fix.” He’s your “fix.”



  206.  #206Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Email was about saying No to FWB



  207.  #207Lori on January 31, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Wow, great email! Go Rori!

    I would never be okay with a FWB relationship with K. Not happening. I’d go cold turkey first.



  208.  #208Smile on January 31, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Hi sirens!!

    I’ve been doing really well with making myself less available which has me feeling fab fab fab!
    I have been leaving my phone in the kitchen and not having it with me so much. This way i feel totally relaxed around ‘not waiting’ for amb cd to text. Actually I’ve got 4 messages to reply to from today whilst I’ve been at work.

    I feel totally relaxed and amazing, building a connection and enjoying the journey of getting to know him.
    It feels amazing to receive from him, he even pulls my chair out at the dining table in the dining room for me to sit down for tea 🙂



  209.  #209Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Last night I scrubbed my bathtub very shiny! I love looking at it. I love how it feels to have a “maid-clean” house. Although, I’M the maid, hehe. But it feels so… well, “abundant.” Cleanliness feels wealthy to me.

    Then I started decluttering the closet. I took pictures of the stuffed animals my bfs from the past gave me, so I can remember them but still give them away to goodwill. I can’t wait to get home and declutter some more!

    And so many opportunities to make money are coming my way! This morning, my favorite department store invited me to do another market research study for a gift card to the store. Soon I will be able to go on a free shopping spree!!



  210.  #210Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:09 am

    i really did almost go through with the 800 dollar research study. but then i decided i didn’t want to sell my tissues or take medications for cash. at least not without children to feed, which I don’t have.

    surely the universe has infinite opportunities for me, and I don’t need to let my fear push me into something i’m not comfortable with on a medical level.



  211.  #211Smile on January 31, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I’ve not read back on the blog to see what happened but Starla yes I too hope memulo went with how she felt.

    I didn’t sleep with amb cd for as long as I wasn’t ready. A respectful man will have no problem if you say your not reading for a sexual relationship and you enjoy their company but it would feel great spending time getting to know each other first.



  212.  #212Rebecca on January 31, 2013 at 9:11 am

    125: Dominique:

    From the last thread…

    Rebecca – Can you do something which feels good for you and to you? Meditation, specialized meditation, a hot bath, a yoga class, anything?

    This mindset didn’t develop overnight and may take some time to unwind. Awareness and desire are the jumpstarts which you have in spades. 🙂

    xxoo

    Thanks Dominique! Yes, I am trying meditation and I am exercise.

    Yes, I agree about the mindset too.

    Sometimes I just find it all overwhelming.. I’m scared of failing I guess.

    But also sometimes when I’m doing well I get smug which then turns into lazy and then sloppy if you know what I mean.

    I guess it’s about keeping myself in check?



  213.  #213Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Totally, QZ was 100% willing to wait till i felt comfortable. Even if it tooks months and months.



  214.  #214Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Rebecca,
    “But also sometimes when I’m doing well I get smug which then turns into lazy and then sloppy if you know what I mean.”

    Me too! Better to do it as a ritual and not medicine. I’m working on it!



  215.  #215Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 9:29 am

    FW, on my cell I don’t see post numbers, so not sure what you’re referring to as my post 126. Is it my question on whether my silence looks like indifference?
    I feel scared to contact him, also because it’s been 4 months. Maybe I could try earlier but I felt insulted unloved and scared then too. I hate to accept the convincing role. I’m scared hexes still with the girl he left me for, hence he completely removed his profile from the dating site and I don’t want to humiliate myself and hear it from him. All together, I want it all and not willing to make any effort, I know;) And a miracle is not happening



  216.  #216Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Also not sure what you mean by him taking care of me. He is obviously not:(



  217.  #217Annie on January 31, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Femininewomansays:

    “Email was about saying No to FWB”

    Feels so apt for that e mail t appear now and for you to post that FW.

    Tam what do you think of the e mail?



  218.  #218Annie on January 31, 2013 at 9:34 am

    reagarding Mr P.



  219.  #219Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Memulo, what happened? did you send your CD home?



  220.  #220Annie on January 31, 2013 at 9:38 am

    191: Tam says:

    “189 Annie, no. At this point it does not help me anymore. I was CDing for two years, multiple people, exclusively, I was even in a relationship..and still CDing platonically.
    I am sorry to say it helped to distract me momentarily but other than that – nope.
    In fact, it made me home in on what I am missing.”

    I don’t think it can help without all the processing and resting in between too Tam.
    Otherwise yes I can see it is just another way of distracting. X



  221.  #221Annie on January 31, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Reading that back I can see how that may come across as a criticism, which is not what I mean, as I believe if you feel Cding isn’t working for you at the moment that you should pull back and rest process Tam until you feel in a better place and that you are the one that really knows what is best for you.



  222.  #222Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 9:42 am

    No Starla I didn’t send him home. I behaved like everything is alright



  223.  #223Tam on January 31, 2013 at 9:43 am

    211, Annie, MrP isn’t my friends with benefits.



  224.  #224Smile on January 31, 2013 at 9:46 am

    62: Liquid Light says:

    Femininewoman 42: yeah, I hear you…sometimes its a bit more complicated and not so black and white but still its not a great situation to get in the middle of IMHO

    I had a good friend of mine’s boyfriend come on to me. They are living together. This felt pretty awful. The moral of the story is: don’t live with anyone until you are married. I think if you do, it sends a signal to the man that you are okay with the situation and being faithful, exclusive and committed is not that important to you.

    I always promised myself after living with my last long term partners that I would want to wait till I was married. Well I have TOTALLY changed my perspective around this recently. Strummingman did want to marry me, we weren’t engaged when we moved in but that was the plan… So i guess just because marriage is on the cards or has been spoken about doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Also my biggest change in perspective is that actually living together can be a commitment to 2 people. I’m not sure I want to be married anymore…



  225.  #225Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Memulo, sorry if this is me stepping over the line with you, but i really really wonder why you chose to be inauthentic and fake over honoring what you were really feeling. It’s basically abusive to yourself. I won’t ask you why you do that like it’s some innocent question on my part, but I hope you put some thought and heart into asking yourself.



  226.  #226Annie on January 31, 2013 at 9:49 am

    It appeared to me like that is what he was offering you and you walked away, but he is still trying to keep you in his life re his emails and trying to get pics and have cybersex with you.

    Apologies if I have that wrong.
    You seemed to be in a bad place Re Mr P.



  227.  #227Annie on January 31, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I feel a bit overwhelmed today reading sad stories and hearing people in bad places.

    On here and in RL.
    Hope everyone gets to a better feeling place soon, feel best go and take care of myself for a while now.



  228.  #228Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:53 am

    I am going to ask QZ for something — I want him to take my dining table and put it in his house. It’s cluttering up my closet. I never ask for things! Should be exciting! I’ll be back to report soon!



  229.  #229Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Yes Starla, I answered this question for myself.

    Btw, weren’t you scared that QZ is involved with someone when you called him? He had a gfriend earlier but you knew that they broke up?



  230.  #230Starla on January 31, 2013 at 9:59 am

    actually, memulo, i feel embarrassed to say this, but i saw one of his sis’s friends on her fb page saying she was coming to visit someone with his name, and they all seemed so gushy and romantic… and … it was a DIFFERENT person with the same name. that they were all best friends with growing up. and i should have known, cuz i grew up with them.

    turns out qz never moved on from me, not enough to sleep with anyone.



  231.  #231Starla on January 31, 2013 at 10:07 am

    but yeah, i was definitely scared.



  232.  #232Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I see Starla. Well it’s obviously not my case. What am I kidding myself about??



  233.  #233Smile on January 31, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Tam, I love what FW wrote to you in 143



  234.  #234Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 10:14 am

    I felt still even after 2-3 months that our bond is there and maybe stronger than theirs. But now it’s been too long, I feel that something is changing. If only she is more challenging than I was and she obviously is, I have no game. Plus he wanted someone younger and with no prospects of becoming a grandmother in early forties lol.



  235.  #235Tam on January 31, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Well, Annie, I don’t know. Bad place or not.
    Cybersex or not…well…
    Friends with benefits, well, it never was/felt like that because I was taken out, courted etc etc when we didn’t have a sexual relationship also, even more so in fact. It’s complicated.
    I feel tired. Of explaining. Of him. Of CDing.



  236.  #236Tam on January 31, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Smile, I do like it too.



  237.  #237Starla on January 31, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Memulo, you are out of control, girl. your thoughts are poison. i just keep asking myself why you hate yourself so much, and why you prefer self hate over self love. the things you say to put yourself down are …. i dunno, i don’t even have the words for it. dangerous, perhaps.



  238.  #238Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 10:36 am

    “The human, on the other hand, has a way of
    defending itself from such a life threatening realization. It simply separates the feeling which might have killed it, had it been experienced at a young age, from the memory of the incident. The memory is then buried (supressed) until the
    human is more mature, physically and mentally, and is strong enough to bear the feelings which might have killed it when it was younger.

    The problem arises from the fact that these feelings and memories are kept behind a tightly-locked door, which has a label saying, in effect, ‘touch this and you’ll die’.

    So, even when the person is, in fact, physically and emotionally strong enough to endure the feelings which have been suppressed, and mentally developed enough to comprehend why an adult might act the way the parent(s) did, when the feeling begins to surface, it still brings up the message ‘touch this and you’ll die’.

    Additionally, the person to whom these feelings are occurring still feels like the helpless, clueless child to which they occurred those many years ago. The adult mind and body give way to the self-perception that they are still young and vulnerable to the implications of these horrible feelings.”



  239.  #239Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 10:36 am

    Thank you Tam, and Memulo, so much. Xxx

    I went for a walk when I got home from work, a thunder storm was breaking after a particularly hot day here in Africa, and as I walked, and breathed in the air, and watched some small birds of prey circling overhead, my calmness and contentment returned to me. All was right with the world again.



  240.  #240Lori on January 31, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Indigo, that’s how I feel after I go hiking and climbing. I feel “centered” again.



  241.  #241Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 10:43 am

    D sent me this beautiful song last night

    (here is the link if anyone is interested)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAxKcW9w6BY

    and it made me feel so soft and good after the day that I had yesterday.

    But then today, I didn’t feel good, I missed him like crazy, and I felt angry. I wonder what it is about being at work that makes me feel a litle more vulnerable than usual.

    I chatted to him, and I know he is *right* about this break. But him being right didn’t bring me any comfort. I miss him and I felt overwhelmed with mushy feelings. I am considering doing no contact for a week just for my own sanity.

    Today made me realise the importance of being kind and gentle to myself.



  242.  #242Lori on January 31, 2013 at 10:50 am

    I’m really struggling with wanting to reach out to him today. I do realize that it’s me feeling anxious. Work has been rough plus with trying to get the new business going. Ugh.

    I really miss him. The last time I heard from him was Monday.



  243.  #243Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Memulo – Plus he wanted someone younger and with no prospects of becoming a grandmother in early forties lol

    Was this what he said Memulo



  244.  #244Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Lori wanting to feel supported is a normal human need. We all like to have our biggest fans cheering us on. Wonder if you can find some other way to feel supported in your endeavours.



  245.  #245Starla on January 31, 2013 at 10:53 am

    QZ hasn’t answered my text about the dining table yet, ahhh i feel anxious and triggered! asking for things is so hard for me.



  246.  #246Lori on January 31, 2013 at 10:54 am

    FW 238, is that what it is? I’m thinking about it. I think you’re right, I’d like hear him say “it will be okay”. lol.

    But, I am missing him. Hearing his voice, seeing his smile, hearing him laugh.



  247.  #247Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Tam,

    I’m only on comment 125 of the blog, so forgive me if there’s an update later on.

    But, I’ve had the sense for a long time that you are not over Mr P, and have been dating and doing all these other things as a means to “pretend” you are over him. I get the sense of you as a bit of a “roll with the punches” kind of chick, and sort of laughing off things that hurt you, and I think you’re really cool, but have you ever tried just letting your guard down, with Mr P, with your friends about Mr P?

    Just expressing how you really feel, authentically, to him even, the way you do with us, and giving your feelings a chance to move through, and then decide how you want to move forward? Instead of pretending that you are over him when you are not? I think being authentic may feel rather vulnerable for you but I think it could help.

    Just a thought, and said with much love and support.

    Xx



  248.  #248Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 11:00 am

    was researching abandonment issues, the whole article was extremely helpful to me:

    http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/379969.html#comments



  249.  #249Lori on January 31, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Indigo 241,
    What you said to Tam really struck a chord in me. I’m doing really well but I think it’s from sheer force of will. I have not been able to express to K how I’ve felt. I’ve acted like everything is okay, that I’m okay. I am but he did hurt me. That we haven’t met yet to talk, only adds to my feelings of putting them on the backburner. There is always something more that I have to do, work on, etc. I’ve worked on leaning back and giving him space and releasing him.



  250.  #250Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 11:13 am

    oh *chuckle*

    Now I see FW said almost the same things as me to you, Tam, at 162.



  251.  #251Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Lori 234

    Yeah 🙂 today I just wanted to keep walking until I fell off the end of the earth.



  252.  #252Amy on January 31, 2013 at 11:17 am

    Ladies, I need some ASAP advice please…

    My boyfriend and I just broke up a few days ago after almost 8 years together. It was mainly his idea even though we both knew that things needed to change. We have a good relationship, but we are missing that closeness we once had and even though I wanted to work on building that closeness again, he thinks that it is time for us to go our separate ways. At first I was upset, but then I just agreed with him that he was probably right and even though if it was up to me I would have us stay together, I accept his decision. We live together so it is a little complicated right now, but basically I went from being a gf on Friday to being a roommate on Monday. I say good-bye and hi to him, but no kisses, no gf things. I engage in friendly conversation and do things for myself. He has been overly nice to be these past few days…being attentive and considerate…but still wants to break up, I guess. (Honestly, sometimes I think I am getting mixed messages, but it could just be wishful thinking). Anyways, today is his brother’s birthday and we were invited to his mother’s for dinner to celebrate. He just asked me if I would like to go with him. I said that I would like to, but doesn’t he think that is weird. He said I was invited and it was up to me if I wanted to go. I said I would love to, but I am not sure if it is the best thing since we are no longer together and I would have to think about it. So ladies, what do you think I should do? I am sorta torn… and I dont want to do something with expectation or in hopes this will change his mind.



  253.  #253Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Lori 243

    I feel glad it struck a chord with you. I had that sense with you a little bit. I feel as if there’s something about our authentic feelings that always catches up with us, they always ask to be dealt with or acknowledged if we do things to try and cover them up.

    I think you’re doing really well.

    Giving him space and releasing him is very much my journey too.



  254.  #254Lori on January 31, 2013 at 11:24 am

    I agree. I’ve wanted to tell him how I felt about the talk we had and how I’ve felt since. There hasn’t been an opportunity to do so. More so because of his making time due to work.

    I’m feeling angry and resentful right now. If he called right at this very minute, I would let it go to voicemail. I feel like i need to go dark from him. I’ve been warm, welcoming, appreciative of his staying in touch. But that’s all there has been.

    Am I being too impatient?



  255.  #255Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Ditto Tam 178 and Lori 180

    I find the same thing when I date other guys. I think, they are not D. To the point now that I anticipate feeling that way, and I don’t even attempt to fall in love with these guys.

    I simply just try to enjoy the moment, and be grateful for the fun they are bringing into my life, and find out who they are as people. I don’t expect to fall in love with them, and I don’t expect them to be the one, and that’s ok.



  256.  #256Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 11:31 am

    Amy, I am so sorry about your breakup. That must be really hard. My bf and I broke up a few weeks ago. I was really numb at first and couldn’t feel anything…I really didn’t know how I felt.

    So how do you feel? Are you numb, and pushing away feeling anything? All I know is its important to let yourself feel what you feel…

    How do you feel about going to the party? If it were me, I think it would feel weird but that’s just me.



  257.  #257Amy on January 31, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Hi Liquid Light,

    Thank you! I am sorry to hear about your break-up as well. I hope things start to get better for you. Big hugs your way.

    I don’t feel numb or pushing away feelings, but I am feeling sad, confused, excited, anxious, and happy all at the same time. I dont want to lose him, but if he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore I can’t make him stay. However, I woudl be lying if I said I wouldnt love for him to change his mind and us to stay together.

    As for the party…yes I would feel weird…almost deceiptive since we are putting on a show.



  258.  #258Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 11:37 am

    So ladies, what do you think I should do? I am sorta torn… and I dont want to do something with expectation or in hopes this will change his mind.

    Amy I believe you have answered your own question. I was debating with myself just yesterday about Valentine’s day, should a particular cd ask me out. I decided I would be honest and tell him I might be able to go out with him the day before or after, but not Valentine’s day. I don’t believe I could without having expectations and making some assumptions in my head. Also if certain people saw us together maybe some comments might be made to reinforce my thinking and I would feel concerned about feeling confused after and maybe putting pressure on him asking for more. I just don’t want to put my heart through that type of pressure anymore.



  259.  #259Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Amy it sounds like you have a lot of emotions still bouncing around inside of you. I believe it is okay that you feel like a mixed bag of emotions and might not be able to stop yourself from crying or falling apart in front of his family.



  260.  #260Starla on January 31, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Amy, you’re broken up. Don’t go to family stuff now. Maybe in a months or years when you’re actually friends again. But it’s too soon for you now. Do you, take care of you… send your best wishes along with your boyfriend to his family and thank them for understanding you couldn’t be there this time.



  261.  #261Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 11:41 am

    OK, if you feel sad and heart-broken then feel it and express it. Have you expressed these feelings to him?

    I’m doing fine, thanks. After the initial shock, I realized that it was for the best. Things weren’t really working for me on a fundamental level.

    Well, if it feels weird then don’t go…I dunno, he seems kinda cold and withdrawn about it all. Sounds like neither one of you is expressing your feelings about the situation…thoughts, yes, but I wonder about the feeling part? And you know what Rori says, its going to be up to you to do this.



  262.  #262MovingMagic on January 31, 2013 at 11:44 am

    (Tam)hugs lady. It’s okay to take a break. Maybe light some candles for yourself. Take a walk on the beach. Love on yourself a bit.



  263.  #263MovingMagic on January 31, 2013 at 11:45 am

    (Tam) hugs lady. It’s okay to take a break. Maybe light some candles for yourself. Take a walk on the beach. Love on yourself a bit.



  264.  #264Starla on January 31, 2013 at 11:45 am

    sometimes i get pangs of anxiety around things that haven’t even happened yet and may never happen. things like if QZ decided he actually wants to stay in his city and not move back in the summer.

    all cuz i gave him a table and it allowed him to host friends more and form/establish connections up north….

    of course, i’m thinking about this whacky stuff instead of celebrating that he said he would love to support my decluttering mission and take my table from me.



  265.  #265Starla on January 31, 2013 at 11:51 am

    lama, that link is amazing, i’m soaking it all in



  266.  #266Violette on January 31, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Liquid Light thank you for commenting on my post in 28. Most of my girlfriends think I’m crazy for letting C go since there was so much there that was good, but I feel stronger knowing there is another woman who feels the way I feel.

    I feel so brave and fearless. I am taking risks and reaping the benefits.



  267.  #267Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 11:53 am

    yeah, Starla, I do the same thing and did that in my last relationship a lot. But then I would try to talk to myself and tell myself to focus on the positive since there was a lot of positives. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of positives to focus on too.

    This is just a bad habit that you can retrain yourself to break! I’m still working on it but its getting better, and of course the first step is the self-awareness that you are doing it! Hoorah for you!!!



  268.  #268Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Starla I have a free sample of the Core Energy Technique, which is a guided meditation by Kevin Schoeninger. In it he says to say thank you to the part of you that is uncertain when going through the meditation. I just thought I would share that just in case it might help to say thank you to the voice that causes you to think about whacky stuff.



  269.  #269Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Yes, Violette, I feel the same way and it feels great! Go us! 🙂



  270.  #270Amy on January 31, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    thanks ladies! What should I say for not going? What should be my speech so that I dont seem aloof about it?



  271.  #271Starla on January 31, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    fw 262, i’m totally interested. where do i find it/how do i get it? thanks!!!!



  272.  #272Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    You probably already know what I am going to say but here goes: tell him how you *feel*. Screw the speech, this is a time for speaking from the heart even if you are a big blubbering mess IMHO 🙂

    And if you aren’t then I really gotta wonder about why you would be in a relationship with someone for 8 years. It just doesn’t seem right that you would be so reasonable about it all after investing all that time…IMHO



  273.  #273Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    @259 Starla – I feel great that it could help you too, Starla. (((hugs)))



  274.  #274Amy on January 31, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Thank you Liquid Light. He has seen me be a blubbering mess and he has heard my feelings on this. He knows my thoughts and feelings. How I feel my heart is breaking and how I want to work this out, but when someone tells you that they don’t feel the same way you do and thinks it is better to go our separate ways, how do you fight that? I feel sad, but I also feel excited to start a new life. As I said, if it was up to me, that new life would be with him, but its not up to me. We have had a lot of ups and downs, so the reason I am not a blubbering mess right now is becuase I have already cried my tears and I have already said what I needed to say and how I feel. Right, I need to figure out what is the best steps to take to next.



  275.  #275Dominique on January 31, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Rebecca – 206 – There is no such thing as failing unless you never try at all.

    And there is nothing wrong with becoming lazy sometimes though I would LOVE it if you could shift this thought to something like you’re needing a break in order to integrate new habits and patterns.

    No keeping in check. This feels rigid. Being aware is a better thought. This feels fluid.

    xxoo



  276.  #276Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Amy, Oh, OK, gotcha. I didn’t know that. Glad that you expressed yourself…I know for me it was really hard initially and I was big blubbering mess. It felt awful but I had to go through that. He didn’t want to talk to me and we haven’t talked since the breakup…but I called him an dleft messages and texted a bunch and let him know how I felt — the good the bad and the ugly…mostly the bad and ugly! 😉

    But then once I expressed it all and some time went by, I realized that I wasn’t getting what I wanted from the relationship either. And that, in fact, I wasn’t that happy, and since he wasn’t going to change then the best outcome was for me to find someone who would be able to give me what I wanted…maybe its the same in our situation.



  277.  #277Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    *Sigh*

    I feel lighter. It feels really weird.



  278.  #278Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    FW as we know he didn’t say anything, just disappeared. But he did make the above comment not in terms of what he wanted but as a negative observation and apologized. I asked him why he apologizes, in a way it is true and then put on a funny hat and asked if I looked like a grandmother. He was very serious though and said NO!



  279.  #279CurvySiren10 on January 31, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Indigo, what do you mean by “lighter”?



  280.  #280Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Starla I’m not sure I understand your comment to me. I have string sides and not so strong sides and I know the difference. Aren’t we all like that?



  281.  #281Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Memulo for the first time since I have been on this blog I feel like describing someone as a jerk. I wonder why the he!!ll you want to be that son of a ………….!!*****.



  282.  #282Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 12:45 pm


  283.  #283Mel on January 31, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    ((((Hugs to you Amy))))

    I know how incredibly exhausting it feels to be “roommates” with someone that you spent a good portion of your life with, and are now parting ways.

    I did this with my ex husband (of 10 years) during a “transition” time, trying to work-out the logistics of relocating homes. It was “convenient” but sooooo difficult.

    At one point, some of his family members were coming to stay with us (they had scheduled their trip a long time in advance) and it felt so awkward for me, knowing that we were no longer together but having to put on a happy face with house guests. They knew the circumstances and told me they really wanted me to stay for the week (because I had suggested I go stay with friends while they were in town). In the end, I just kept to myself a lot and didn’t try to fake “happy.” But I wish i would have just gone away for the week. It just felt weird.

    My advice… Try to get out on your own as soon as you are able. It made a world of difference and my vibe shifted almost instantly.

    Being together, though “separated” didn’t allow me to move-on.

    You’ll do fine… Better things are on the horizon for you, I promise.



  284.  #284Starla on January 31, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    memulo i mean you are talking shxt about yourself, in such a way that i might SLAP someone for saying those same things about me. the things you are saying about yourself are alarming.



  285.  #285Starla on January 31, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    thanks fw:)



  286.  #286Smile on January 31, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    I’ve noticed I don’t feel good having a computer or phone with constant access at the moment. I felt so chilled not keeping it around next to me. I’ve spent the eve alone on my phone catching up with various friends I’ve nit spoken to or needed to text. That bits ok but then I feel stuck in a constant loop of just ‘checking’ my email Facebook and the blog. I love the blog and reading from you lovely ladies but I feel it necessary to go back to my technology break again.



  287.  #287Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    I am excited about a date that I have on Sat. He seems awesome and has so many of the qualities I’m looking for and that missed in my last relationship. He likes art! Yay! But who knows if there will be any chemistry there. I don’t know about you, but I gotsta have it!

    But I am proud of myself for going out on a date and that I feel excited about it…I’ve been blowing everyone else off because “I wasn’t ready” but maybe I’m just not ready if I know they aren’t right for me.



  288.  #288Starla on January 31, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    smile, i cancelled the internet at home. i love that i did that!



  289.  #289Iamabutterfly on January 31, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Feel like I’m going to get judged…

    I really want to explain myself to SMC. I don’t think he understands. He looks so angry and hurt. Of course, I don’t know that for sure, but I am trusting my instincts, for Pete’s sake. (because I hear Pete is a pretty great guy.)

    I feel so guilty. I was just trying to protect myself. Protecting myself feels like the right thing to do. but I still feel really sad about it. Especially when I see him looking like that…:(



  290.  #290Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Propinquity is a term used by social psychologists to refer to the likelihood of interaction between two people.

    If you are very likely to interact with Jake several times each day, you have high propinquity with Jake. You have very low propinquity with someone who shares few of your same interests, does not work with you, and lives on the opposite side of the country.

    Why does propinquity matter? It matters because it determines a lot about the likelihood of you ending up dating any particular person. Social psychologists have discovered that propinquity is a better predictor of who ends up with who than almost any other variable that can easily be studied.

    Knowing which kind of guy you want to end up with gives you a distinct advantage when trying to meet men. The main reason is that you can purposely manipulate your propinquity with the right kind of guy. (Think about how exciting this is!)

    For example, if you’d love to end up with a fairly wealthy partner, learning golf and eating lunch in a country club is far more likely to increase your propinquity with the right kind of guy. On the opposite side of the spectrum, chatting with men at a local laundromat will tend to build your propinquity with men who are lower on the earning scale.

    The point is, propinquity matters. Ignore it at your own peril.

    Talk to you soon!

    James Bauer



  291.  #291Turquoise on January 31, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Thanks Curvy…lol, I thought about it some more, and the reason why my divorce works so well, I think… is because neither of us have worried about what anyone else thought or said, too much. We do what we feel is right, and it usually works out. So, unconventional yes…. but wrong? maybe not. You are right about the sex stuff too… I do hope he realizes though, that is not happening.

    Mercedes, I did ask SH, but he is supposed to have his son this weekend, and after what happened last weekend with his ex reading a bunch of our text messages, I really don’t think she will let us take him. His little guy is really missing him and told his mom she ruined his weekend last weekend, so I don’t expect him to reschedule. He said he’d talk to her about it, but he really doesn’t like confrontation, so we shall see.

    I decided to be ok with it, go, have fun, and enjoy the gift of a free weekend at a lodge. I might even treat myself and get a massage! If he wants to get me a separate room to make her feel better, I’d be fine with that… but the truth is, probably safer all in one room with the girls. He won’t try anything with them there.



  292.  #292Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 1:56 pm


  293.  #293Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Has anyone ever sent love or appreciation to their armpits?

    I feel so ridiculous asking?



  294.  #294Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    I like the post about propinquity, FW, thanks! that’s cool! simple but profound!



  295.  #295Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    Starla I just realized this one might also be interesting.

    http://www.loveorabove.com/meditation



  296.  #296Starla on January 31, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    283 lama,
    is this your pattern? to explain? to feel very anxious to be understood after a conflict happens?



  297.  #297Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    @lama, yeah, I hate making people feel bad too even though I end up doing it a lot more than I would like.

    for me, it can help to remind myself to drop into my feelings and speak from there. I often speak from a rational place and I think that can cause people to be hurt and angry at times. When I’m coming from feelings, it just seems to remove the walls. Of course, it can be harder to do this because then you become vulnerable and open which often feels very scary.



  298.  #298Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    For the last month with Caged, I was coming from my head mostly. I was so exhausted that I just wanted to get through it – work deadlines, the holidays, family, etc. But that’s when the whole thing started to unravel. I realize that this was a mistake but I really felt like I was in survival mode. Lesson learned. I wish he coulda let up a bit though. Sigh.



  299.  #299Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    I’m curious..what’s your take on chemistry, ladies? Is it a requirement?



  300.  #300Starla on January 31, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    have been reading about BPD in relationships and feeling sick with guilt over ways i can act sometimes…i picked up some bpd traits from my mom and am committed to working through them for good this year….

    and also got into a customer service argument with groupon. i got very harsh in my tone because i want to be taken seriously and given a refund.

    so right now i’m feeling overwhelmed with bad feelings. i’m going to stop answering groupon emails for now and listen to something that relaxes me. and eat some veggies instead of putting more chocolate in my body…



  301.  #301GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Awesome reply, Rori!!!

    NSM is a Virgo too, and it seems some of his sacrasm and mean criticisms seem to stem from that, at least he says so and I agree. Not that Virgo’s are “bad”, just that we each have tendencies, and if we let some of them get too out of balance they can cause problems (for instance, as an Aquarius, I tend to procrastinate. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes I let it get out of balance and cause problems for me and for others).

    This man sounds a lot like NSM, only way worse.

    Thanks to you, Phoenix, and to you Rori.

    It’s never too late for the love of your life! Esp the one which comes from yourself, first.

    Love to Sirens!



  302.  #302GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    FW, I have sent love and appreciation to my armpits for sure, and in detail for their function, prettiness, earthiness, realness, for their sometimes awesome natural scent and for alerting me to when my diet may be out of balance bc of their less nice scent (esp hormonally, so that means I need to eat maca again 🙂

    I think my armpits are beautiful and sensual. And men seem to think so too, for when I raise my arms over my head men tend to get all gushy and gaze at me… I don’t focus on armpits, but just include them in all the other prettiness I show love and appreciation to in my body. So different from how I used to feel shame and hiding around certain parts.



  303.  #303GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Thinking aobut this makes me almost cry, I had forgotten how I used to extremely shrink, puff myself up, and scrunch myself down and try to hide and be ideal/perfect/inhuman, rather than just accepting, inhabiting, and loving my own body. This was long ago. But I still feel it all of a sudden. I love me. Aw.



  304.  #304GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    “Aw” is deep.



  305.  #305Tam on January 31, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Indigo, thank you for your comment and Moving Magic too – very uplifting.

    Well, Indigo, yes as a matter of fact I have tried to open up to MrP and be authentic. With strange results. He acts in extremes, so when I am happy out and about and express that, he is REALLY happy..and when I feel sad or nervous and expressed that, as he stormed out of my place, he gets very upset and tries to fix it and tries to fix himself at the same time and gets really torn…he really does react kind of well when I open up.
    I don’t know if you caught that he has adult adhd…as well as having had a pretty traumatic childhood and I am not making excuses for him, but those are some serious factors playing into all this.

    Thing is, I have opened up a couple of times and wrote to him after our bust-ups and told him what I told you guys here. And yes, it draws him in – as a side effect, because I really only did it to be authentic and say my piece and be done if he doesn’t want to come to the party. But yet again when we get closer, he gets shaky and will do something to create distance again, you know?
    It’s the pattern – and I just don’t know if I want to put myself through that again.
    And, besides, for me to open up to him yet again, I feel there needs to be an effort from him. And by that I don’t mean the feeble attempts at snatching some pictures of me. I mean, actually asking me to meet. And that isn’t happening right now.
    So it just seems strange to confront him with my feelings, when in reality, he hasn’t made meaningful contact..it’s a bit like the molehill into mountain situation.

    Sigh.



  306.  #306Tam on January 31, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Gingersky is back hooray!



  307.  #307Jessie1000 on January 31, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    HI GIRLS!
    Its jessy! Going on a date tonight lol how are you all? I have been sick as a dog, busted a ligament in my back in December and have been in bed since…just starting to mend again. My I miss you all! I havent been working for almost 2 months but Ive been studying like a storm to finish my phd. My sons are good, we love being back home by the ocean and I dont miss ontario at all…lol no offence to ontario, just isnt like home…Hope you are all good, wish me luck, my new beau is super hot and younger lol like always than me…but its ok cause I like em young…
    kisses girls!! I send you all lots of kharma and love for your love lifes!!!



  308.  #308Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Oh God, I hope I’m not a wreck on my date. I’m starting to feel sad again. Maybe I’m not ready afterall. I don’t want the subject of my ex to come up and then I start balling…that would not go over very well at all! ugghhh



  309.  #309brokenhearted on January 31, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Dear,Rori&Ladies
    I found your website from a friend. I’m totally confused and heart broken I can use some help! Please advise me which program I should start off with and purchase. Here is my story!
    I just broke up with my Man of three years. I will call him Jay. We had a wonderful relationship so I thought everything seemed perfected we lived together talked about the future getting married kids all that good stuff. He was always there me..gave me all the attention and affection a women good ask for. Out with friends he made me feel like the only women in the room. Okay here is the problem I caught him in bed with a Guy Yes a effin Guy.. obviously I flipped out… I was crying and blah blah. I went over a week of not speaking to him moved out of our home finally got enough strength to speak to him to get closure. He told me he was Gay this whole time and he was using me as a cover so his family and friends didn’t find out he was Gay. I’m so effin sad and depressed about this. He told me I’m a wonderful women great friend and he is sorry….WTF sorry are u kidding me!! I invested a lot in this man and thought it was a forever thing. I’m a strong women and know its not me but I need some help I feel so used and betraded. He says he wants to be friends idk if I can handle that. I love myself I need help processing this and moving on so I found myself on this blog. Anybody have any suggestions on what program I should purchase and start with. Idk how I didn’t see this I’m so confused please help



  310.  #310BeLoved on January 31, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    293

    Liquid Light – my take on chemistry is…I can totally do without it.
    I honestly hope to goodness I can start meeting men who I feel calm and relaxed and at ease with, with NO fireworks, NO chemistry, just peaceful…easy…natural…no big deal…

    I’ve had enough chemistry to last me a lifetime.
    What I want feels like home, it feels like heart, it feels….mmmmm…comfortable, just a couple of people hanging out, BEing with each other.

    I would probably run from chemistry at this point. My nervous system needs a break, I’m enjoying the feelings of peace.



  311.  #311Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Beloved, yeah, I hear you, what you say is very interesting…the question that comes up for me is: how can you kiss someone if you aren’t attracted to them? I just can’t imagine that.



  312.  #312Olivia on January 31, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    feeling hurt and needy and *whirring* in my stomach…

    my bf is out at a show right now with family he didn’t invite me to…

    unsure about whether i am leaning back too much…

    feel tempted to pick up the phone and call…

    feel *exposed* for posting a picture of me and the bf on facebook yesterday…i did it to claim my territory a bit..and cause i felt he might have felt a bit rejected for not adding photos he posted of me to MY facebook timeline…

    feeling like i’m too sensitive…

    remembering to try and love that about me…



  313.  #313Olivia on January 31, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    …feeling like a fool for enjoying how well things have been going…and appreciating all the nice things he does for me…

    …feeling afraid to fully love and enjoy the nice moments with him because i’m afraid of not being loved later…

    …feel like crying a little bit…



  314.  #314Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Olivia, can you tell him that you felt sad (or whatever) that he didn’t invite you? just a thought



  315.  #315Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    @Femininewoman 161

    You’ve got me pondering…thanks! 🙂
    I can admit being terrified of intimacy myself too. Although I don’t really know about women being more like that than men. Why you think it is like that? Because women have generally lower self-esteem? Because that makes us terrified to show our real selves to men? Because we are afraid of abandonment?… Well, I’m just thinking here loud, the questions are rather rethoric.. But I would be interested if you’d want to expamd on this a little.



  316.  #316Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    @143

    FW, what you wrote to Tam here is just beautiful and moving…



  317.  #317BeLoved on January 31, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    304

    LL – because I am not repulsed by them, either.
    There is another place, where there is a spaciousness, where it feels like…
    how to explain?
    Like…there is enough, everywhere I turn and there is no pull toward one specific person. I had a lot of this in my Seattle community, we had cuddle parties and puppy piles and lots of making out and kissing different people with no attachment, it felt safe and relaxed and ‘easy like Sunday morning’.
    I’m thinking of the Indigo Girls song, “Free In You” –
    “Loving’s just like breathing when it’s true.”

    For me it feels like affinity, rather than attraction.

    Feels so good to remember I have those experiences for reference. It wasn’t my fate to stay there and I ended up here and involved in a toxic relationship, but it has actually been really good because it was, like Natalie at Baggage Reclaim said, like an exorcism and brought up so many demons to be healed in such a perfect way.

    Affinity.



  318.  #318GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Aw, Tam… thanks 🙂

    I’ve just now been catching up in my reading of your life here. (And was listening to the audio link posted by someone by realtionship coach Be Irresistible. Wow, SO good.)

    ((((( Tam ))))



  319.  #319Tam on January 31, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Beloved…I am in synchronicity with you. There doesn’t have to be instant attraction as long as there is no repulsion.
    I take the comfy at home feeling over the crazy butterfly chemistry any day. And usually do.



  320.  #320Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    @ 295 Gingersky

    “(for instance, as an Aquarius, I tend to procrastinate. Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes I let it get out of balance and cause problems for me and for others).”

    Wow!I have never been taking astrology & horoscopes too seriously, I have taken from there what I have liked and discarded the rest. But as an aquarius myself…this is really spot on. I hadn´t hear about this, but procrastination IS my biggest flaw as it has been causing quite some problems in my life already.



  321.  #321GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    Tonight I am deeply deeply missing the close and amazing times with NSM, and moving through the necessary letting go. As he and I continue our work together, at least to some extent, and for the moment. Which is good, except when he stops acting amazing and instead behaves like a horse’s ass. Lol.

    I love him. I respect him and want the best for him and I feel angry we cant be together and that he is so mean and weird sometimes. AND I love myself enough to let go. Even when it is hard. Yay me.



  322.  #322Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Sexual attraction has always been strong for me in any relationship or non-relationship ;)…its just always been a given. I can’t imagine it not being there. That would feel strange to me.

    Now I don’t give in to every attraction I feel but admittedly that’s a weakness of mine. And the last two where there was a lot of sexual attraction, we had a relationship, not a fling or affair, so I’m proud of that. Sigh…but, yeah, sexual energy can definitely overwhelm the dynamic which isn’t always good. Maybe the key is to wait longer…I ususally wait about a month or so.



  323.  #323GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    NSM has already now hooked up with another woman to some degree, and has rescued his online search for his ideal woman he’s been seeking all his life. I had already cut him off romantically bc of his mean ways and had told him that I am totally turned off by mean ways.

    At least he told me about it all so I would have no surprise. I appreciate that even though it felt upsetting. He offered that we could talk longer and more deeply on it if I wanted. I am just tired of this really. I replied “thanks for the info/sharing. I wish you well in your search.”

    Lol it feels good that I am not on here oly bc of NSM (though if I was that’d be a good thing too). I am here bc I have time and head space to be in Siren territory right now… like, just bc I want to.

    That feels good.



  324.  #324GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I mean NSM restarted (his online search for his perfect woman).



  325.  #325GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    I am here tonight truly about 75% or more just bc I want to be. Bc I miss you all and bc I simply like it here. I feel less driven and motivated by NSM, by loneliness, and more just “well” inside on my own count. Not really reactive, just grounded and alive… upset still a little, and deeply, yet alive and under my own power engine… rather than “moved around” by things and happenings outside of myself, or by feelings and reactions within myself.

    This keeps increasing more and more, more than I dreamed possible, over the time I have devoted to learning and mastering Rori’s teachings.

    This is very different for me, and it feels good. Still feels spectacular, at every stage.



  326.  #326GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    And I can’t tell you how utterly and infinitely grateful I was to have the words (and mindset) of “I wish you well in your search” at that moment. Omg. That felt amazing, light and luxurious and safe and mature, and kept me from going over a cliff or two in my mind (figuring what to say and how to say it, etc etc) and in my words to him.

    Thank you, Rori. My gratitude is truly unending and indescribable.



  327.  #327GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Ulii, I so understand, LOL! It’s almost a given with us Aquarius folks.

    I don’t suggests basing life on astrology too much, but it is helpful (esp the personality parts) and I find help in any kind of personality typing if I hold it all loosely and not too seriously.

    Just learned what I am in Human Design System. I’m not happy about it, but it’s making sense out of a HUGE amount of things in my life now, fwiw.



  328.  #328Senior Lady Vibe on January 31, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Excellent top-of-thread post. I wanted to scream “Run!” to that woman.

    BTW, are any of you “conquerors” picking up on the Feminine Businesswoman “telesummit?” I just ran across it and it seems to have started a couple of days ago although I think it’s running through mid-February.

    Here’s the link. The opt-in page video resonated with me so I’m going to check it out… free bits of knowledge and encourage.

    http://thefemininebusinessmodel.com

    SLV
    xoxo



  329.  #329GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Btw Sirens, my “cutting NSM off bc of his mean ways” is due to behavior that is bizarre, frequent, emotionally violent, abusive, much like the man in this post of Rori’s… and bc he wants to be with me “until someone else shows up for us” and to be kind of halfway polyamorous, etc. Things which regardless of our fantastic connection are just not compatible or do-able for me.

    I don’t necessarily advocate ending relations with a man bc of his acting difficult, but agree as Rori teaches that redeeming and growing the connection is both possible and often desirable. And that we too often give up bc we simply lack effective tools and inner growth to let him be himself and to take care of ourselves, etc. I love this part of Rori’s teaching! So different form conventional wisdom which says ditch a man who doesn’t act how you want him to. So much more like my grandmothers’ day and age, and way better… how to truly be feminine which is way more powerful than the modern alternatives of how to be a woman.

    With me, mean loses every time in the end.



  330.  #330Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    RE: sexual chemistry

    I have become from needing it and looking for it to a more calmful place where I have a requirement for certain initial attraction, but where I have also started to believe that attraction in fact can grow. And I have literally experienced that opening myself up to a man and being vulnerable is creating that chemistry almost momentaneously.
    I have also experienced that a man who seemed a bit clumsy and not so good at kissing the first time can get better really quickly, so the second or third time the kissing is already an awesome experience.



  331.  #331BeLoved on January 31, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    (((((Gingersky)))))



  332.  #332Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    @ 301

    Jessie1000 — so good to see you!



  333.  #333Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    @ 320

    Gingersky, I never heard of Human Design System… Sounds interesting. I´ll might check that up another moment on internet. Now going to sleep, as it´s already after 2 am here where I am.



  334.  #334Annie on January 31, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    “So different form conventional wisdom which says ditch a man who doesn’t act how you want him to.”

    I believe Roris tools are to get women to that place Gingersky of ditching him if he isn’t able and doesn’t want to ‘act’/ stepped up and behave how we want and is compatible for our happiness and the toxic behavior is a deal breaker for us, tp leave space for a better more compatible man to show up.
    As most women who come here for help are just not in that place and able to do that when they first come here.



  335.  #335Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Other thing is…hm.. If I hear words “emotionally violent” ” abusive” and “sarcasm”.. I really do get my alarm bells ringing. I don’t know how exactly Rori addresses that, but I recall her also saying “get out of there” in cases of violent toxic men. I personally do not want to stay and practice using tools with such a man, as he just turns me off and I wouldn´t like him anymore. Disrespect in all it´s forms is a dealbreaker for me.



  336.  #336BeLoved on January 31, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    I’m an Aquarius, too!
    My birthday is tomorrow and I’m going jump on giant trampolines with my friends to celebrate.

    Gingersky – I actually know people who have never, ever ever ever NEVER ever said a mean or unkind word to their partner, or done a single unkind or mean act. One of these people taught me how to sing a song to make a game out of getting my then-toddler to pick up toys instead of nagging, and I used it forever and it improved my life in so many ways. They NEVER yell to each other across the house, if one of them wants the other’s attention from another room, he or she will whistle a sweet little bird call. I have known them my whole entire life, so I’ve seen more than just a snippet of their lives.

    What I mean to say is that I know from experience that a kind and gentle spirit deserves and can totally find a kindred kind and gentle spirit.

    My heart goes out to you, I know you are hurting. I missed you and am glad you are back, and feel happy that you are looking out for you <3<3



  337.  #337Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Beloved: Happy Birthday! That sounds like so much fun!!!!



  338.  #338Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    But I understand that you (Ginersky) have cut him off and are not in a relationship with him…
    So it feels like you are taking care of yourself. Which feels good to read.
    I also believe there are men that are not fully bad, but just difficult (as I could learn form Toxic Men program).. But most of them are just not for me. I don’t want to deal with a really difficult man. Maybe I am a bit egoistic, but I actually think “I could do better”..whenever I come across men who (for example): call me (or other people) names, make hurtful jokes, send me porn links, get scary or out of control when angry. I don´t want to deal with that.



  339.  #339Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Happy birthday BeLoved from me too!!!!
    Hope you´ll have a great day! Mine was just this Sunday and it was actually wonderful. My cd had planned a all day nice outing for us, and I have never felt treated so good in my life.



  340.  #340Annie on January 31, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    GingerSky
    It feels good to hear that you are moving away from your subconscious love imprint which feels like a familiar fantastic connection.
    And are moving towards choosing a healthier new conscious love that will be more compatible and doable for you.



  341.  #341Annie on January 31, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Happy Birthday BeLoved. X



  342.  #342Ulii on January 31, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    (((((((((Gingersky))))))))))))

    Sorry, I feel now maybe I’ve concentrated too much on some negatives I found at your post that triggered me (I´m just currently dealing with 3 of my close girlfriends being in a emotionally or even physically violent relationships & reading a lot about that, so this subjects gets me triggered so easily).
    Overreading what you have said, I actually see there is lot of positive healing & growing going on, so I don’t want to pick up on the negative anymore. I hope I didn´t unintentionally hurt you, 🙁 but I appologize if I did.



  343.  #343Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Happy Birthday Beloved



  344.  #344BeLoved on January 31, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Awww…thank y’all!!

    I randomly stumbled on an article about Lance Armstrong and this caught my eye:

    ” contempt is one of the primary defenses against shame”

    Interesting…if contempt comes up for me again, I’ll dig a little deeper and see if there is shame underneath, that would be amazing to be able to touch and heal.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201301/top-25-list-january-2013/8-narcissism-and-whats-behind-it



  345.  #345GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    Annie, Ulii and BeLoved

    Thank you! No, Ulii, you didn’t cause me any discomfort or pain at all… and if your words had done that within me, I would see and engage it as a way (a gift?) of noticing a wound in myself that needs healing… and not at all any “fault” in your words or your self-expression. I like that you speak freely here, and express whatever comes up for you!

    Yes to all of what you Sirens said to me here. Yes.

    NSM was not that way all of the time… and I came on strong at the beginning, trying to tie him into marriage right off the bat and to make him responsble for my happiness in all the wrong and totally un-Siren-like ways, so I wound up on here about a year into the relationship and many things I learned here helped SO MUCH. So I kept at it to see if the knots woud untie for me and him. We had a good life together for a long while, mixed with trouble, but very very special and amazing indeed.

    Behavior which seems abusive may sometimes not be, as I learned from Rori, and I used to be the type who’d walk away too easily at the first moment I felt uncomfortable. And sometimes I’ve been the opposite. I’ve always been either confused/unsure, or too masculine in this.

    I now feel with Rori’s insights I can SEE clearly, and safely test the waters, experiment, and be SURE if I really want to walk away. Rather than looking back and regretting that I acted on a mere trigger instead of making safe space for us both to be ourselves and work THROUGH the difficult moments. When I have done this, I have sometimes later matured, then looked back and seen that it was I who was afraid of commitment, who was passively triggered all the time, controlling and blaming and demanding under the surface. And then I let a few pretty good men go away bc I left thinking I was being smart.

    I don’t want to go to confused extremes anymore 🙂

    I thought for a long time that was what NSM and I were doing, working througmisunderstandings, We love each other very much. But he is habituated to his anger, and his ideal woman (in several unusual ways). Perhaps another woman will feel more comfortable for him. He can do what he wants, it is his right.

    You all said such wonderful things to me.

    It feels too late to reply individually… I must sleep now. I was looking up to find who is seduction coach David DeAngelo’s wife… I learned of him from my young housmate guy, and found him unappealing (I’m not fond of seduction games or of men who want many partners etc) and yet wise and very human in some ways. The link SLV posted had her picture on it as a speaker, and I finally found out who she is: Annie Lalla, a relationship coach. Pretty good stuff it seems. I like her (and him) a lot. I subscribed to her newsletter.

    (That’s not you, is it Annie, lol)

    Now the former seduction coach is a very human family man marriage and relationship coach who, works with his lovely wife to teach how to fight fair, deal with conflict, keep the spark going and much more. I find that very cool!

    Love won.



  346.  #346GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    #337 BeLoved Wow, that’s so wise about contempt! I will seriously meditate on this for a long time.

    Greatly explains NSM! I am still his friend and he mine. We still like to understand and be understanding of each other.

    Explains me, my parents, and lots of things for me!

    (Similar to when my ACoA coach long ago taught me and my brother that when someone fights with or attacks us, it’s usually bc they long internally to be loved more by us.)

    Keys… opening locked places… so love can flow.



  347.  #347GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    I tried to love NSM more, but I have always remained judgmental of him bc of certain things he does that are hard for others. He could always feel it. I am okay with that. It will all work out the best way in the end.



  348.  #348Olivia on January 31, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    @Liquid Light –thanks for providing some feedback…i guess my fear in doing that is that I am being over-sensitive. i don’t expect him to invite me EVERYwhere…
    Does being a feeling messages woman mean I have to say something every single time he does something that bothers me?! How do you decide?



  349.  #349Olivia on January 31, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    …just sort of a rhetorical question but i would be interested what others’ process is in choosing…



  350.  #350GingerSky on January 31, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Goodnight, Aquarius club 🙂

    Sleep well and deeply, Sirens.



  351.  #351Violette on January 31, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    I am missing J. He called two weeks ago to tell me he couldn’t be sexually exclusive, that he’s broken. I also found out the last time I saw him, three weeks ago, that he’s only been divorced a year.

    When he’d called I told him I had gotten the picture already, but it felt good to hear the words. He said he wanted to see me and didn’t mind if we didn’t have sex. I said I’d love that. Then he had to take another call and I asked him to call back the next day, since I was going out shortly. And he never called back.

    It really sucks missing him. I go along fine and then it just hits me. He inspires me in my life, because he is brilliant and successful, and I hope it will help me get that back into my life.

    It would feel so good to see his number on my phone, to hear his voice, to see him and have that giggly fun I feel with him, that creativity. I’m doing my best to let it go.



  352.  #352Pe on January 31, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Hi, girls. I have been obsessed with the show “Supernanny” lately, it’s where a nanny goes into a house where parents have trouble being heard, respected and appreciated by their kids and she comes in helps them realize that they are responsible for allowing these behaviors and teaches them how to establish clear, healthy boundaries and stick to them with their children. no matter how difficult, messed up, hopeless a situation seemed with her help it always works out at the end. It got me realizing that we DO have power on how people treat us in our lives and the change have to come from us. i starting thinking about how i can apply this in my life just speaking in an even and calm voice, looking at the person straight in the eye and just, “stop or no this is not acceptable behavior, i will not tolerate it” don’t try to rationalize with the person give a warning “if u continue to speak like that me i’m gonna ask u to leave u or i’m hanging up the phone” if the person perseveres you HAVE to follow thought with the warning that you give “i’m hanging up now goodbye” , if the person apologies right away or later you have to show appreciation and encouragement “thanks for apologizing, i really appreciate it 🙂 it made me feel sad when this and that happened “sounds so simple right ? but it is actually. It’s up to you to change your game, set boundaries and stick to them.



  353.  #353BeLoved on January 31, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    I just realized that I think it’s already healing…I feel excited…after the whole conversation about eye-rolling and contempt, and the insect-thing I saw that felt like it pulled out of my soul and..and…so much more but I’ve felt waves and waves of shame coming up and releasing the past few weeks
    so
    Wow!
    wow.



  354.  #354Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    @Olivia maybe it comes down to how it makes you feel, and if it makes you feel bad then maybe its worth bringing up in a non blamey way of course.

    I just know that in my last relationship when I brought stuff up, it brought us closer, even if I was really scared to say it. When I didn’t bring things up, then it seemed like more distance was created.



  355.  #355Pe on January 31, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Olivia,

    When you are not acting out of neediness and insecurity, every little tiny detail doesn’t bother you, you just know when to speak up, when something deep and unacceptable to YOU happens. He forgets to call back like he said he would no biggie boys will be boys right ? but if he stands you up on a date just shoot him a text “it doesn’t feel good to wait and to be stood up, i don’t like to be in that position, i appreciate when somebody take the time to cancel a date when they know they won’t make it, thanks” he apologizes and give excuses say “thank for apologizing but it won’t happen again” punto. That will straighten him fast.



  356.  #356Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Pe wrote: It’s up to you to change your game, set boundaries and stick to them.

    I like that!



  357.  #357Liquid Light on January 31, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    I love supernanny too…she is the coolest!!!! 🙂



  358.  #358Pe on January 31, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    She’s amazing !!! lol



  359.  #359Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Jessie!!!

    So nice to hear from you! I was thinking about you. Feel better!!!



  360.  #360Memulo on January 31, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    FW and Starla,

    Thank you. I still dont feel what youresaying Starla – after all, i wasn’t saying anything that isn’t true. I don’t get offended easily and don’t take myself very seriously.



  361.  #361Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    CurvySiren 273

    I had felt these quite vulnerable, mushy feelings all day – being fearful, missing him, and then when I got home they started to lift, which was great.

    But often when I start to feel fear or anxiety leaving me, I feel exhausted from the energy it’s taken, or maybe a bit ashamed. Instead, last night I felt this lightness, I felt like my mind opening, and all this awareness and beautifully nuanced little feelings came flooding in.

    It was a weird feeling, I just felt lighter and less burdened, but a good one.



  362.  #362ALA on January 31, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Thanks for that link, SLV! I just signed up. 🙂



  363.  #363Femininewoman on January 31, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Thank you. I still dont feel what youresaying Starla – after all, i wasn’t saying anything that isn’t true. I don’t get offended easily and don’t take myself very seriously.

    Memulo – I feel shocked at the I don’t get offended easily comment. It feels like your heart is closed, even to yourself. Feels like the ice princess. I can’t imagine the mountains of rage that might be floating under the surface inside you. What are you doing to connect with and feel your heart? Do you stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself I really really love you. Do you look for the sadness in your eyes? Or notice if you cringe when you look at yourself?



  364.  #364Vi on January 31, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Feeling turned on feels like my heart goes out to him accompanied by the thought ‘it is serious’ and fantasies that somehow transform into expectations and then guilt and sadness start to come up! It feels so awesome to notice! I feel so good about myself I feel almost fluid.



  365.  #365Turquoise on January 31, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    Hi sirens,

    Well, Sweetheart will not be coming with me this weekend, and I’m actually a bit relieved. I know we would have had fun and enjoyed being away together, but there is time for that. His life is so stressful right now, I want to escape it for a few days. I’m so looking forward to the scenery, photo opportunities, pampering myself, people watching, and hopefully I’m a natural at skiing, and that will go well too!

    I did feel sad tonight, thinking about C and that he’s never going to choose me. I don’t really want him to, I know he and I had a mostly terrible marriage, and it’s the idea of what I wanted for us that I actually love… but it still sucks that he’d rather go back to his girlfriend, whom he broke up with because of multiple reasons, but that he’d rather try again with her than with me, the mother of his children. It’s my pride that’s hurt, probably more than anything, but that reminder…. that he’d do all these wonderful things for me and the girls, but still choose to not be with me, yuck. Just feels bad. So I decided that I need to turn the story around. If I actually consciously think about the fact that I don’t want him, that it’s my choice, that I know what I want for my life, and being adored is a huge part of that… then he’s not the man for me, even though we had children together. SO, this weekend is going to be awesome practice for me, I’m going to flirt with cute ski instructors, make eye contact with men in the lodge, strike up conversations with strangers… and circular date a whole resort full of people.

    Things feel just slightly different with Sweetheart this week. We are at 8 weeks of dating now, so normal time frame. I know it’s been a rough week for him, but I do feel the slight pulling back. He still calls and texts, but not as many I love you’s, he hasn’t mentioned marriage at all this week, but he does talk about normal stuff, like once the weather is better all the walks he wants us to take, and that I have to text him when I get to the lodge because he worries about me driving, and telling me about his day, asking about mine, etc. It could be just the normal fade, or it could be that it all feels more real now, especially since his ex read our texts, but I’m really not going to worry about it. This is where I’ve let things blow up in the past. If it’s meant to be with Sweetheart, it’s going to work out. If it’s not, then someone else better is out there for me. But where I struggle is with the staying warm and open and responsive. Rori just had an email about this, where we use circular dating or ignore a man and close ourselves off from them, He’s not doing anything wrong, probably just trying to figure out the best way to handle all this… it’s just timing wise that this week I also really opened my heart and told him how I was feeling.

    I”m so happy to have the weekend to enjoy and be away. It’s really perfect timing. Sweetheart asked to see me Monday night and I said it probably wouldn’t work. So, then he asked for Tuesday. I didn’t commit, said we’d see how the week goes. I’ve always been available, and it may work out that I can see him, but I didn’t make any promises. He could have seen me last night, but didn’t. He could (although I know he was already planning to have his son before I invited him) be coming with me for the weekend, and he’s not. If it feels good to see him, I will.



  366.  #366Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Tam 299

    I’m very happy that you have expressed your feelings authentically to Mr P.

    And I SO get you about there being a pattern. I know what what you’re describing feels like right down to the tips of my toes. You alone can’t change that. And I know you feel resigned. Just feels to me like there is an unfinished story here.

    An unfinished story: very much the case with my own situation 😉



  367.  #367Indigo on January 31, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Gingersky 322

    I really love the second paragraph of your post. That is what has brought me here, and keeps me coming here.



  368.  #368Emerson on January 31, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Hi everyone! I’m so behind on all your stories…will scroll up and catch up but saying hi for now and guess what happened with BlueCD…
    He texted me and wanted to meet up for a coffee and I said I’m sorry but I’m busy (I was busy I was at work) and thanked him that it was sweet.
    Then he asked me a question that I did not reply to immediately and he made a negative comment alluding that I was not trustworthy…and I said what?? He said I avoid questions…
    I feel sooo annoyed because duh I met him on a dating site, we have yet to meet in person and I don’t tell people I don’t know where I work and all my personal info HELLOOO….
    Anywho I replied calmly that It feels bad to hear those words and that I’ve never met him
    He was sarcastic in his reply so I told him I don’t want to be talked to like this, it feels bad
    He proceeded to say I needed to have a thicker skin to which I replied that I don’t because I am a woman and I have feelings.
    The whole thing felt annoying and dramatic but overall I am glad how I handled it. I stayed within my boundaries and I don’t like being talked to like that being accused of being “shady”…not nice.

    Thanks for listening, needless to say I feel disappointed in the situation as I was holding out some hope that he may be a decent man for me to date…
    I started making excused for him like he does not know how to talk to women, maybe I should give him a chance if he contacts me again, but not sure what to think…
    What do you all think ladies?
    I’m listening to some good/happy music including Justin Bieber 🙂 yes that’s what I said!!

    Been missing you sirens…I’ve been so busy I have not checked the blog in a while…



  369.  #369Emerson on January 31, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    In other news…
    I’ve been dabbling in POF dating site and I sent some hellos and favorited a few cuties…
    they’ve been replying and all very sweet, it’s good practice.
    One of them wants to talk on the phone already and he is totally not the norm that I date! He seems very nice, and we shall see how it goes as I am going out on a limb as an experiment to maybe date him.
    He’s sweet, educated and works in a really good job and is around my age and he is black. :-)this is a first for Emerson. 🙂



  370.  #370Emerson on January 31, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Hi Gingersky!



  371.  #371Emerson on January 31, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Wow, this post about Phoenix and her man’s sarcasm really rings true for me…how ironic especially considering my recent conversation with BlueCD where he became sarcastic…
    Such a turnoff…
    Sarcasm is a form of hostility….
    And although a man cannot understand a rape victim’s feelings, he can still show compassion and
    be sensitive and maybe even silent…the ability to be empathetic to another…
    I don’t want to be with an insecure, posessive man who wants to control by biting words and accusations…
    I can spot them earlier now, I think BlueCD may be of that breeding…
    I am still curious why he reappeared after litereally a year of silence…



  372.  #372Sirenity on February 1, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Love your vibe Turquoise! I also love that you really are not sealing yourself in a zip top bag with SH . He may be an S H but he is a still married SH and no matter the ongoing intention to be single there is a whole lotta SH@T still gotta be negotiated until his feelings, his exes feelings, his kids feelings , his legal endings, his custody arrangements etc are all felt, processed, signed and tied up. This could take years.

    We who have been married and divorced with kids know what that means . In your case, and full credit to you, you have achieved a positive and helpful arrangement with your ex, if not rather unusual . But it has taken years , involved much toing and froing and even ex-sex quite recently.

    I am so pleased to see you CDing , given all these uncertainties . Not to mention his physical issues. This for me would be really scary as I dont want to be a nurse to a man until way late in life if I can help it 🙂

    Anyway ..I lioke the feel of your last post, balanced and excited about future options.



  373.  #373Sirenity on February 1, 2013 at 12:07 am

    Emerson, I like what you said to him. A man who is habitually sarcastic is not for me either and I would be pleased to weed him out as you have done. I like the bit about not needing a tough skin because you are a woman. ..Very soft and inviting.



  374.  #374Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 12:10 am

    Thank you sirenity!



  375.  #375Annie on February 1, 2013 at 1:40 am

    What felt salient to me in that article BeLoved were.,”he lacks the capacity to empathize with the feelings of others”

    “his sense of morality is often skewed: whether an action turns out to be “wrong” depends largely on getting caught. Lance Armstrong now admits that what he did was wrong because he got caught, not because of a moral epiphany. At no point during his interview with Oprah did he express authentic remorse or any real feelings of guilt for the pain he has caused so many people.”



  376.  #376Annie on February 1, 2013 at 1:54 am

    “express authentic remorse”

    People like this do not feel remorse.
    look into their eyes if/when they apologies you will know if they feel remorse or not and if they are truly sorry.

    Something is lacking.



  377.  #377Annie on February 1, 2013 at 2:34 am

    Re lance Armstrong.

    Although I can see it from his point of view and understand why he does not really feel remorse as he wasn’t the only one doing it, it just happened that he got caught. To him he was just making the playing field more even, not giving himself an unfair advantage, giving himself an even one.

    I do see his point.



  378.  #378Turquoise on February 1, 2013 at 4:22 am

    Hi Emerson 🙂 good to see you here! Don’t make excuses for that man. He sounds bitter, and that’s his problem to fix, not yours. 🙂

    Thanks Sirenity. There will definitely be a lot to work through, and like I said, I told him I’d give him some time to make some serious changes, but if I don’t see it happening, I couldn’t remain exclusive. He said he completely understands. So I’m going to CD in the sense of seeing friends and family, heck even my ex, but no actual dates, at least for now. I do love sweetheart, and we are having a physical relationship. It feels too much like cheating to me. But as long as I can keep Allthe reality in mind, I feel I’ll be ok.

    I believe part of the reason why I’m ok with this, is because when my dad and step mother met, he had just gotten divorced and she was in a dead marriage. In less than two years, they were married, and have been happily married for the last 25 years. They just clicked, wanted to be together, and made it work. She also has a bad back and some health issues, but they have had a great life together, lots of vacations, a great home, friends, parties, etc. if he hadn’t given her a chance, he really would have missed out. She didn’t have kids, but she did have sick parents, who ended up living with them not long after they married. They loved each other, wanted to be together, and made it work.



  379.  #379Turquoise on February 1, 2013 at 4:25 am

    She is also the only woman my dad dated after my mom.



  380.  #380Tam on February 1, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I feel nauseous. Physically and mentally…out of sorts.

    I watched ‘he’s just not that into you’ last night.
    It was ok.



  381.  #381Tam on February 1, 2013 at 5:26 am

    359 Hey Indigo!!
    Yes, there is an unfinished story. I just hope I can change myself enough so that this isn’t going on forever and ever. The potential for that is there…and it makes me really sad.
    I am going to sit with it for a bit, as fighting it also didn’t work. Stumped.



  382.  #382Vi on February 1, 2013 at 6:03 am

    YAY Emerson!!



  383.  #383Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Emerson I have at least two men in my life that come to mind immediately. They both get enraged about such stories to the point where you can feel the anger as they express themselves. One consistently says I have a wife, a mother and a sister. For him those types of things are non-negotiable and unforgiveable. He is Indian and you should have seen his reaction to the news in Delhi where several men raped, mutilated and killed a 14 year old (I am not so sure about her age).



  384.  #384BeLoved on February 1, 2013 at 6:51 am

    370

    Annie – yes, I see that, too.

    I feel very interested in the idea of how shame, the feeling of ‘unwanted’, is so unbearable and intolerable that humans will go to tremendous lengths not to feel it.

    I feel so sparked by this new awareness of shame and the connection between contempt and shame and I feel a little bit of relief in noticing that is shifting and healing in my body and mind.

    It’s astounding how often I’ve been feeling and stuffing shame and not realizing it. Last night as I was falling asleep, something came up in my mind and I
    Felt
    So
    Aware
    and present, it was one of those beautiful, spacious, frame-by-frame moments where I could see where I was stuffing the feeling down by stirring up my thoughts so I was able to slowly, slowly, very very very gently and tenderly, sink into it bit by bit.
    It took a while for the feeling to move, but it did. It sank into my belly, then up and up and up and through my sternum and chest and throat.

    I felt it again this morning, feeling triggered by something on FB…I caught it, felt it deeply, and suddenly I saw exactly what the other person was seeing from their perspective, and *got* him, instead of feeling like I was fighting him (which was really fighting the FEELING).

    I admit I heard my imaginary version of your voice in my head at first – “his thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with me”, which took me out of taking it personally, and from there I went to my feelings, and then wa-la! Connection.



  385.  #385Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Emerson – I don’t tell people I don’t know where I work and all my personal info HELLOOO….

    I have told people where I work because it is a huge place and I find many men ask that question and use it as a topic of discussion for getting to know you. Anyhoo my attention was draw to him saying you don’t answer questions so I was wondering if that was the only question he asked. If not this experience could be a useful mirror to help you prepare yourself with more feeling messages. If you feel uncomfortable sharing such info so early on I would encourage you to say that. Also look if this is one of your blocks to intimacy because truly the best way for someone to really know you is to ask you questions about yourself. A man who doesn’t ask me questions comes across as uninterested. If maybe you prefer to share certain things early on I wonder if you can figure a way to let a man know what you feel comfortable with so he doesn’t have to read your mind or make these kinds of mistakes. Remember the dating game can be difficult for all involved. We just were never taught how to connect with people.

    Just my thoughts…….



  386.  #386BeLoved on February 1, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Oh, and too…I noticed that it seemed so intolerable to feel because the feeling affected my breath. My lungs felt tighter and it felt unnatural to let go and trust and let my body breathe the way it needed to and not control it.



  387.  #387Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Yes BeLoved the breath. Whenever I really focus on sinking into my feelings and staying still for them to flow through me I have noticed that I actually stop breathing. I stop breathing. I was aware that I stopped breathing. When I noticed I tried to encourage myself to do it.

    I found that so amazing.



  388.  #388Annie on February 1, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Emerson.

    “And although a man cannot understand a rape victim’s feelings, he can still show compassion and
    be sensitive and maybe even silent…the ability to be empathetic to another…”

    This is not possible as it is not possible for him to show TRUE compassion and be sensitive, without the understanding.
    And if you go even deeper into the human psyche even if they can understand and care about a rape victims feelings if it were there Mother, Sister etc. They do not have that same caring towards a different woman for instance whom they perceive as a lower value, depending on their value system.
    How some men might view a prostitute or escort girl of less value than their sister or mother.

    Or some men in war crimes justify if they rape women who are considered the enemy.
    Think of German officers who raped jewish woman.
    They perceived them as vermin.
    Rape is not a crime to do with sex.
    It is to do with hatred/ control and power.

    Or how white men justified raping negro women when they were slaves.
    Muslim men justified raping white women in harems.

    It is all to do with how they perceive the other person as low value and less than.



  389.  #389Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Particularly when the feeling is *scary* or something I don’t want to feel, it is like I hold my breath. It struck me that is a way that we voluntarily kill ourselves.



  390.  #390Annie on February 1, 2013 at 7:09 am

    BeLoved 370.

    Have you read any of Dr Margaret Pauls work on healing core shame and inner bonding?

    Also her College Dr Susan foreward.
    Toxic parents.
    Men who hate women and women who love to love them.
    Books on incest etc.

    This goes into the subject into more depth, if you feel interested.



  391.  #391BeLoved on February 1, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Yikes! So much bubbling up!
    It felt so empowering to observe and fully feel what my body was doing without trying to control it.
    It reminded me of the article I think FW posted, about not caring if the relationship lives or dies,
    I felt like that – being open and allowing and not fighting the feeling of dying, just letting it be and it didn’t matter whether the body lived or died, but it wasn’t apathy, it was detachment.

    I feel SO interested because there is one particular feeling that C triggers in me that makes me feel so violent, so I wonder what is that feeling I have been fighting so hard…curious…maybe it will come up in meditation.



  392.  #392BeLoved on February 1, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Awareness and understanding are flooding me…
    I have been avoiding the consequences of my actions for a long time, trying not to be punished in external life for the horrible things I’ve done in the past.
    I finally sat down with life and said, fine, I’ll accept the consequences, whatever comes, what matters to me is to grow and to allow life to express itself through and as me and if I have to live alone and celibate hated and as a pariah or whatever for forever then so be it, I’ll take it, that’s what life gave me and I’ll face it.

    What life is showing me now, is that there are physical consequences, which manifest as external consequences. For example, an abortion hurts life….and life can respond with a process to compensate for the pain and heal the body and nervous system, if I can surrender to what the body needs to do, which might hurt. But that can’t happen if I don’t surrender, and if I don’t let my body heal itself then it makes me neurotic, which makes it difficult to love and be loved, so it’s a loop.

    If I’m sitting around not admitting that what I did had an impact on life because of my shame or ignorance about it, because I’ve justified and rationalized it or feel victimized by life (this was me…haha…”I know I hurt Life, but dammit, Life hurt me FIRST!”, then I can’t allow my whole mind/body system to be healed by life itself.

    I don’t know if this makes any sense to y’all but it’s making perfect sense to me and I feel scared about what feelings I might have to feel but it’s certainly not going to be any worse than the first 42 years of my life!!! 😀



  393.  #393Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 7:35 am

    I like this concept I saw as part of an email

    As you know, my motivation is focused on the best possible dating outcome for you. I am a firm believer in the idea of win-win scenarios. I was first exposed to the concept by Steven Covey in his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

    It’s a great book, but the one thing that stuck with me since I read it in college was this idea that successful people are always looking for situations where everyone wins. Rather than thinking of the world as a pie with only so many slices, Covey encourages people to constantly seek out situations where everyone wins.

    Any small change you make in your daily habits can accumulate over time to become a significant positive or negative force in your life. Looking for win-win scenarios does not require much change. You already want the best for other people. You already work hard at various goals at work, school, or in various social contexts. I’m just suggesting a tiny habit change. Just look for one social opportunity for creating a win-win scenario each day.

    When you look for something on a consistent basis, your mind learns to spot whatever it is you are looking for. Your brain changes over time, tuning-in to the things you make a habit of looking for.

    What’s this got to do with dating? Well, see if you can recognize the connections yourself in the list of benefits that come from instigating win-win scenarios in social situations:

    – Your mind becomes increasingly accustomed to spotting opportunities.

    – You feel less anxious when you focus on other people’s welfare as much as your own.

    – Your self-esteem goes up when you consistently help other people through win-win scenarios.

    – It becomes easier to reach out to people when your motivation is for their well-being.

    – You tend to meet more people in the process of making suggestions and introductions associated with various win-win ideas that come to your mind.

    – Other people mention you more often in the context of explaining new opportunities and positive situations you suggested.

    In other words, your social network tends to grow automatically and gradually over time.

    Remember, small habit changes lead to big effects over time. All you need to do is look for at least one tiny win-win scenario each day until you find one and act on it. Soon you will start seeing win-win scenarios everywhere you look.

    Talk to you soon!

    James



  394.  #394Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 7:42 am

    BeLoved that triggered in my memory the tapping video I went through that was promoting Louise Hay. During the Tapping she spoke about being terrorized by life. Every time I go through that video it brings tears to my eyes. I was so unaware that I was carrying around a story of feeling terrorized by life.



  395.  #395Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 7:43 am

    BeLoved your words are beautiful and your process is helping me so much today.



  396.  #396Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Thanks fw I hear what you’re saying but the only other question he asked that I didn’t answer persay was about dating other people. He asked if I’m dating and I said yes and he wanted to know more so I said “I feel uncomfortable being asked that, I don’t want to go I to detail about my dating life with a man, but rest assured I am single”

    Maybe he did t like that.
    I’ve answered all other questions no big deal…
    He’s also a drama queen last time I talked to hi it was all about him and an issue he was deali f with so it was his reason not to get together or make plans that we had lightly discusses previously. Maybe we are both looking for ways to block intimacy.
    I understand what u mean they ask questions to get to know us but when I don’t reply within five minutes does not justify telling me an insult.



  397.  #397Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I don’t think I want to talk to him anymore



  398.  #398Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Emerson I still say bring it back to you. I would look at how I answered the question maybe “I feel uncomfortable sharing details, suffice it to say I am dating. I like that feeling of excitement it brings when I meet new people. See I get to share my day with an interest masculine man. What do you think?”

    Saying being asked that is focussing on his behavior. The “I don’t want” feels like a push back and so early on before a context is built between you two could come across as negative. Even the “with a man” kinda suggests a resistance to even allowing him to get close to you. It really feels almost like you are pushing him away. Don’t take this personal just try to put yourself in his shoe and experience what this might be like to him. Even the second para about the drama queen story. Can you see how this could leak out into your vibe?



  399.  #399Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 8:11 am

    when I don’t reply within five minutes does not justify telling me an insult.

    I totally agree. This is where I say thinks like “I don’t want to be spoken to like that”. I will say it at least twice for it sink it. If he doesn’t adjust then I say bye. I believe men have a short attention space (Male Attention Deficity Disorder) so “three strikes” and I am out” happens often with them. They don’t hear me after repeating myself 3 times so I prefer to say things only once but I will say it max 3 times. Then bye!!!



  400.  #400Tam on February 1, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Emerson, I’d go with my feelings. I have noticed that when I override my feelings and give ‘too much’ benefit of the doubt to men/people who make me feel bad or ‘off’, that the bad things tend to get worse over time, and I usually if not regret it, think ‘ugh, I knew it would be like this’.
    Gut feelings are powerful, and often right.
    I try to listen to them more these days.



  401.  #401Heart on February 1, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Hi Blog – I need some advice….CudG asked me out again…but he asked me for next week and not this weekend…I feel a little bad.
    We’ve only started re-hanging out a couple weeks go but
    he would make his weekends open to me when we initially started last summer..and we saw each other on Saturdays a few times…

    So…I’m trying not to care…I do have a full-ish life so usually have some plans in the works…
    And he works on a weekend…
    but still
    it’s weird
    I feel hurt
    I feel angry…
    I feel a little rejected..
    but for the most part
    I just feel Bored…
    I feel so bored…
    I can’t even feel safe to like him…
    this “relationship” doesn’t seem to be flowing…

    On the other hand..RomanceCd has been begging me to go out this weekend…



  402.  #402Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Heart the only thing I have to say is that next week is closer to Valentine’s Day. I know men who disappear around this time. Plus with the cdating you get to choose.



  403.  #403Heart on February 1, 2013 at 8:17 am

    The thing is I assume CudG cares about me..

    because he asks me out…
    because he puts a lot of thought in the date…
    because he’s gentlemanly & heroic at times…

    but I just assume that I’m special from his actions…
    I don’t feel it
    Things are different after the reconnection…



  404.  #404Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:18 am

    miraculously – Welcome, and BRAVA to YOU!!! Thank you so much for this gorgeous post and for your bravery. I’d love it if you stayed in touch here and let us know how your journey is going… Love, Rori



  405.  #405Heart on February 1, 2013 at 8:23 am

    FW – you think he’s disappearing…I mean we are going out next week…

    I stopped Cding when we started back up…
    I felt guilty…



  406.  #406Heart on February 1, 2013 at 8:24 am

    well I just talk to guys on phone message apps but the only person I’ve been seeing is CudG…



  407.  #407Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:35 am

    shawnsuper – I’m allowing this comment in, in case you’re interested in following the “Posting Guidelines” – (over in the sidebar, look for the page). Again, if you hold these kinds of “opinions” about men (and wish to paint every Virgo man with the same “brush”) – I can’t imagine you would even WANT a man. It’s not possible to hate some men and love others. Not possible. Love, Rori



  408.  #408Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Thanks tam turquoise and fw.
    Tam yes I know what you mean we should listen to our feelings.
    Fw yes I see how my words could be pushing away. I feel sad and incapable if communicating like I always get it wrong. I feel sorry for myself always stumbling.
    Turquoise
    He sounds bitter and maybe that’s a judgement but it seems like it and also he seems to be carrying his baggage with him from somewhere else.



  409.  #409Heart on February 1, 2013 at 8:40 am

    I feel hungry…
    I want ice cream …



  410.  #410Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:43 am

    brokenhearted – You’ve just amazing added another great anecdote to the proposition that gay men make GREAT husbands! Look – if he were bi-sexual – this could work. it just might, could work, And his being gay offers you a great friendship. Have you ever watched “Will and Grace,” the TV show? You’re living it now…and there’s SO much out there on the web about women with gay men who didn’t know they were gay (and often, the men don’t know, either…).

    Here’s my advice: Go get some help and information. Go visit your nearest LGBT center, talk to people. Talk to your man about how you might have been so easily fooled. Then go look at your own sexuality and how this man could have been convincing enough sexually to convince you he was into you physically. A truly gay man simply can’t get all worked up and passionate over a woman – just can’t do it. He might be great in bed technically – but it would feel like friendship. And I’d be truly surprised if he was at all interested in giving you oral sex.

    You just need to make the most of this “learning situation.” There’s nothing to be mad about – you learned how a great relationship and communication works, and yet you let a HUGE lie pass unnoticed.

    Love, Rori



  411.  #411Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 8:43 am

    398 fw looking back maybe he was trying to make peace by saying I need a thicker skin and he put a smiley face but by then I was feeling mad at being talked to that way so it was “too late”
    I even told him I had a hard day and here someone who is supposed to be my friend is saying insults to me. I also told him he is carrying his baggage. Maybe I said too much but at this point oh well.



  412.  #412Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Another issue is that this all happened over text which I hindsight seems really stupid. Texting can be subject to misinterpretation.



  413.  #413Starla on February 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Memulo, I’m sorry that I can’t keep trying to explain what I am saying about you talking shxt about yourself. I am feeling extremely extremely extremely triggered, like how I would feel if someone was talking shxt about a friend of mine and not seeing what the harm is and insisting it’s true. I feel rage coursing through my veins and pooling in my frontal lobe…. i want to lash out and tell you how wrong and stupid you are for saying and thinking those things about my friend. But that doesn’t work because the person talking shit about my friend Memulo is.. Memulo. So I’m stuck.



  414.  #414Starla on February 1, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Turquoise

    “he hasn’t mentioned marriage at all this week, but he does talk about normal stuff, like once the weather is better all the walks he wants us to take, and that I have to text him when I get to the lodge because he worries about me driving, and telling me about his day, asking about mine, etc.”

    and thank god. cuz the constant marriage talk was putting you off. seriously, this is how it’s supposed to be. the forever sappy stuff every now and then, and the present, in the moment, supportive of your life kind of chitchat every day.



  415.  #415Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Heart on the contrary. I don’t think he is disappearing. What I was saying is that I know guys who do disappear around this time. I have been told that by them. Little boy games.



  416.  #416Goodheart on February 1, 2013 at 9:09 am

    FW, your post 393 – oh my goodness. I let it sink into my heart & just like that, within minutes, I attracted a win-win into my life!

    It’s a way for me to make a little bit of extra money while greatly helping someone else AND I get to practice the skills I want to develop for my dream career (so it’s like win-win-win) 🙂 Thank you~



  417.  #417Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Emerson he most likely is carrying baggage. Remember Rori suggests to let him deal with his issues and you deal with yours. She also says don’t let his mood affect yours. Don’t go down the rabbit hole with him. You stay in your happy vibe no matter what he is saying or doing.



  418.  #418Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Question is should a man who you are not in relationship with or around a lot be able to push your trigger button at the drop of a hat?



  419.  #419Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 9:12 am

    You are welcome Goodheart.



  420.  #420Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:17 am

    I have a strong urge to “fix” it with blueCD now I am doubting myself and feeling regret ….



  421.  #421Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:20 am

    418 I don’t know why I let him get to me. It was triggering that I was told to have a thicker skin when he uses an insulting word toward my character. Maybe I’m extra sensitive because I feel on edge lately. There’s a lot of gossip at work and I stays out of it but it still feels draining and there is so much drama I hate it.
    I feel incapable of so many things



  422.  #422Lori on February 1, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I’m feeling a little sad but trying to stay positive. I haven’t heard from K since Monday when he emailed me. I’m trying to remind myself that his distance has nothing to do with me. He was away on business and the Superbowl is Sunday which means he’s slammed. (He’s in Sports Entertainment).

    On a good note, I’ve been CDing like crazy! My cousin and I went to Starbucks before work this morning to chat and have coffee. Met three police officers who were chatting it up with us. I’m going to Vegas tomorrow with a girlfriend. They are going too! So, they have my number and may call me while there. 🙂 I’m supposed to have a date but haven’t heard from him since Weds.

    What’s hard is I have been comparing every guy with K. Ugh. The bar has been raised.



  423.  #423Tereana on February 1, 2013 at 9:21 am

    I’m afraid my uti is coming back. It’s not as “hurty” as before, but it still feels weird – like maybe it never completely went away, either.

    I got food poisoning from something that I ate on Tuesday. I just feel sick all over. And I’m going to work anyway, because I don’t want to cancel my appointments.

    If don’t get my period today, though, I am seriously going to wonder if I’m preggers. I was sure there wasn’t chance it could happen, but you can always be wrong. And all this sickness is making me wonder. But I could be wrong about that, too…



  424.  #424Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Plus I didn’t expect him to come out and say something negative to me. It kinda hit me out if the blue sky..



  425.  #425Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Tereana there is the noro virus going around.
    Sorry you don’t feel good.



  426.  #426Heart on February 1, 2013 at 9:25 am

    FW – I feel confused now…what are you trying to say? …that I can gauge his intentions by if he makes Valentine’s day plans?



  427.  #427Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Lori how fun you met those cops I’m feeling jealous :-)))



  428.  #428Heart on February 1, 2013 at 9:31 am

    At the end of the day…I should start Cding again….So I let my horse stop at an oasis for a bit …that’s ok…
    It’s all practice..I’ll start cding in March…I want to return to dating myself…

    Also of sadness & pining etc has left me since I’ve started seeing CudG though…
    I generally feel good…



  429.  #429Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:31 am

    417 this is good advice thanks fw



  430.  #430Heart on February 1, 2013 at 9:36 am

    I’m still hungry!



  431.  #431Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Heatt his energy is coming towards you. He might want a casual relationhsip right now but his energy is coming towards you in some way. With Valentine’s day around the corner a guy who was only looking for sex might disappear at this time. However he asked you out. All I am saying is go with the flow and let the men compete for your attention. Don’t disqualify him just because he is working this weekend.



  432.  #432Lori on February 1, 2013 at 9:40 am

    I don’t even want to think about Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to expect anything.



  433.  #433Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 9:40 am

    I feel very safe today and the pressure of my previous post has passed and I am back to my normal confident self. After I am done here I am going to the gym to work out, again. I understand and know I will never be “ready” for true love but I must be patient with it. Receiving it feels wrong sometimes and I feel like running. Its the very reason I got involved with the wrong guys in the first place…I feel intelligent and open and all the good things within me that make me alive. Including the fear that drives me away…it’s a beautiful fear that makes it so I know if I am in danger. That feels liberating that I know how to listen to my bodies responses and the reactions that result from those responses. I am a whole person now with my thoughts and feelings integrated; my behaviors now match my thoughts and feelings and I do not have to question myself anymore. Confidence feels amazing.
    I am separating myself from the liar inside me that would lie to me and say it’s ok to ignore my feelings; the very liar that led me to liars who told me the same thing.
    It feels good to be separate and whole while I’m in a relationship and it feels good that I now have the confidence to walk down the aisle…with the honest man that my honest self found..you know the voice, the one that says “ask him how he feels and then watch his response; give him a little and not everything and see where he goes with it; don’t let go of other men until he tells you he wants to let go of other women, completely”. That honest part that said “You are beautiful and worthy and you don’t need another person to tell you how beautiful and worthy you are” The honest hard A$$ that says; sex is not a validation that he sees you as valuable or that he’s trying, you must watch his other behaviors, ask and then watch for his response…if it doesn’t feel like love to you, it’s not love” The honest part of myself that said “What is love?”
    and then I thought of the most purest examples of love that ever walked across my path and then I sought him out and everyone that wasn’t him, no matter how much sex we had, no matter how much I wanted the relationship, I moved on to the next and let him go forever! It feels so good to be honest and mature and wise…My ladies you are honest and mature and wise as well…I embrace you that don’t know your own strength in hopes that you know you can do this…I was hurt too but I had to be committed to myself, committed to growing up my hurt feelings and bringing them into the present; committed to releasing anything that didn’t created beauty in my life and let go of those that sought to hold me back.
    In this process I lost my best friend of 20 years; she didn’t know how to respond to the more confident me/her position in my life had always been based on how much I needed her…my heart still breaks over that. She said mean and hurtful things but I did not lash back at her because I knew what had happened; I used her too much as a listening device and when I got happy; she felt used…it wasn’t fair to her. She wasn’t mature enough to come to me and tell me how she felt and then work it out. It’s sad that she chose to go away like she did and I still hurt over that; but it’s ok..that hurt will pass and I will find another best friend. Let those who don’t see your strength as a good thing, go and men who use you and zap you of your power (regardless of your feelings for them) to feel strong (instead of strengthening you) should always be let go.
    There is something in the “he makes me feel weak” statement that lies to us and tells us this is a good thing…it’s not! If he makes you feel weak because all of your emotion and energy is being prompted in HIS direction instead of his into YOUR direction then the situation must be clarified or ended…Peace to all the sirens today!!



  434.  #434MovingMagic on February 1, 2013 at 9:44 am

    I had a man become super defensive when I didn’t respond to his text for hours. Not responding wasn’t intentional, I was overloaded emotionally with news regarding my mothers treatments. I honestly just forgot. He basically told me bye, & to take care. *Lesson learned -don’t be that guy, ladies.



  435.  #435Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 9:46 am

    OMG Miraculously Loved thank you thank you thank you for sharing. You sound like you are in such a good place. I enjoyed reading that comment about the house and your feelings of engulfment.



  436.  #436Heart on February 1, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Thank u FW…that felt good to read.

    Yes…I’ll start cding again at some point..
    I’m still cding in a sense…but not going out on actual dates.



  437.  #437Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:48 am

    434 moving magic thank you for sharing that.



  438.  #438Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Miraculously loved
    I lost lifelong friends as well during my time of growth and learning not to be codependent. It still stings but somehow I can’t seem to find the motivation to try and reconcile. Feels like a closed chapter.



  439.  #439Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Embrace…Embrace…Embrace ALL good and wonderful things…let him treat you wonderfully but don’t expect it! I have to remind myself to do that every day…I am never disappointed anymore;
    I look at the screen as an image of my reflection and my words like my face…it is clear and beautiful right now….I sometimes wish this could have happened many moons ago…I tell as many women as I can about Rori and this blog because it really made the difference.
    I look back and remember this girl who was going to prove everyone wrong. Whenever someone said “He’s not right for you, you need to get rid of him.” I felt a challenge to prove them wrong and to show them that I could “win” his heart…I needed to validate myself by winning the attention (not necessarily) the love of these “bad boys”; often thought it was funny when men in other relationships looked at me (yeah I know, gross)…that feels yucky to even me, but I forgive it because I didn’t know I was doing it. it was power to know that I was winning over another woman…it was the challenge for me; my masculine energy at work in a very destructive way…I wonder how many of us still love that feeling of new love; of the challenge and then when we get it, it’s not good enough because it gets boring for a bit…I feel inquisitive about that in myself..my competitive side…I’m very competitive and that can be a good thing. I am loving me right now…



  440.  #440Starla on February 1, 2013 at 9:58 am

    when i didn’t answer alaska’s texts within and hour or two, he emailed me. when i didn’t answer the emails, he showed up at my freaking office.

    don’t be that guy, indeed, ladies.



  441.  #441Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Matthew Jeffers is a senior acting major at Townsend State University. He’s a diehard Baltimore Ravens fan.

    As an adult, he stands at only 4’2″ Matthew has suffered a great deal ofpain in his short life and has gone through 20 + surgeries.

    Regardless of all of his challenges and setbacks, he has one amazing philosophy that can change your life
    in a very big way.

    and that philosophy is…
    THE ONLY DISABILITY IN LIFE IS A BAD ATTITUDE.

    Enjoy this video and please pass it on as his message is too important not to be heard.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Wd89IydtXyk



  442.  #442Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 10:09 am

    TY! FW =) a very long road indeed.

    Emerson, I don’t think I can try to reconcile with her although in my fantasies I wish it were possible. She has a particular image of me embedded in her mind and I can’t change that image because SHE shut ME out. If she would open the door again, I could show her a new image, but it would have to her that does it otherwise I am just begging for her love and affection and owning her feelings and trying to change her mind the way I have always done with men.
    This is why I haven’t moved toward reconciliation because she shut the door, if I reopened it even to peek, I would be intruding and giving her power and even the ability to hurt me again…that’s why I won’t do it…WOW you just really helped me answer that; thank you. I have been tempted to write her but haven’t done it and couldn’t figure out why; but now I know..because I don’t trust her not to hurt me again and I won’t give her that power…if she wants to return to reconcile then I will accept it from a distance; if not, I thank her for her help and I release her to the universe and God and I forgive her hurtful words…Blessings



  443.  #443Indigo on February 1, 2013 at 10:13 am

    ooh, Starla and Moving Magic, I am so with you there!

    There is no bigger turn-off for me than a guy who can’t respect my need to reply in my own time.

    I have had quite a few guys complain if I don’t reply when I’m in a meeting, or gone for a ride on my horse, or in the bath, or with friends, or just waiting until I *want* to reply, and it is sometimes enough to make them leave, and I say bye without a second thought. Respect in this way is very important to me. And of course, you are so right, guys desire this kind of respect too 🙂



  444.  #444Indigo on February 1, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Heart, Lori

    re: Valentine’s Day. Mm, I am with you there. I have traditionally been triggered by Valentine’s Day, and I am choosing not to be triggered this year.

    We’ll see how it goes. But I am rooting for myself 🙂



  445.  #445Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Powerful strong competitive confident radiant…married; Looking at Castles next week for the wedding; I deserve to be the Queen of the castle; sitting on my throne…respected, honored, revered and wanted…(here in my sweatpants)…LOL



  446.  #446MovingMagic on February 1, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Indigo/Starla. I can recall texting with a fella, & leaving my phone mid texting session to go to the restroom…I was gone only a few minutes, & when I came back the guy had sent me a text asking if I had already forgotten him. Whoa! Haha. Run for the hills! 😉



  447.  #447Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Indigo, Heart and Lori:
    The year before last I was asked out for Valentines day by 3 men and I said no to all of them and then did something for myself. It felt powerful to turn them down. I made plans for me and set up time for me and got a babysitter for me and just let it be my choice to not go out with anyone just to remind myself that whether its V-day or any day; I am my own best lover…



  448.  #448MovingMagic on February 1, 2013 at 10:37 am

    I love that Miraculously Loved!



  449.  #449Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 10:55 am

    393 fw what a great piece of info
    I tend to think In terms of win won but I don’t truly believe its possible maybe…. So I shut it off like its just a fantasy. But it’s not…I want to believe truly that it can be possible.



  450.  #450Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 10:57 am

    Emerson I truly don’t believe the context of bluecd and Alaska are the same as you did not meet him yet. I agree that he seems to have been putting you off a while but as one of Rori’s article said “Be Amazing and Forget About Him”. Another article says “When you Change Something. He Changes.” I believe in staying focused on being one’s best self out in the world. One last article I want to bring to your attention includes the words “You showed huge enthusiasm to get together and spend time, proceeded by zero follow-up”. Also “When you don’t show up, act erratically or show disrespect – whether intentionally or not – you weed out all the guys who have self-respect. They’re just going to say forget this and move on.”
    I am not in the least bit suggesting that you did something wrong all I am saying is being open to learning helps our minds to see the lessons. I would re-read https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/uncategorized/what-were-you-thinking-girl-how-to-stop-self-sabotage-ali-binazir/#more-4278 in the context of this latest experience for what it’s worth. Just be careful not to beat up yourself. We are all learning.



  451.  #451Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Emerson the first step is to believe. Then your mind will direct your eyes to find ways and opportunities to make it possible.



  452.  #452Starla on February 1, 2013 at 11:43 am

    i have no idea if alaska is the same as emerson’s dude, but i am still haunted by the experience! haha.

    he and i are friends now and he has a gf now, but alaska still thinks i could be the love of his life. oh well.

    warriorcd has been sending me that message lately too. oh well.

    QZ is the winner! hehe. he treats me sooooo good and let’s me have space and freedom without guilting me like how warrior and alaska would



  453.  #453Turquoise on February 1, 2013 at 11:44 am

    THANK YOU STARLA! For the wonderful reminder. I’m feeling teary and hormonal today…. sigh. I am stopping to see him after work. I told him I can’t shake this “off” feeling and didn’t want to go away for the weekend like this. He said he thinks it’s just because we haven’t seen each other much and would love to see me. Maybe I just need some hugs and kisses. I am excited about my trip though, and will be on the road in a few hours! I’ll check in with you sirens later! 🙂



  454.  #454Lori on February 1, 2013 at 11:49 am

    okay ladies, I’m really, really wanting to reach out to K. Talk me out of it please.



  455.  #455Liquid Light on February 1, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I made a vow to myself last night that I was going to be happy for a week, no matter what happens. So far, so good! 🙂



  456.  #456Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 11:52 am

    No Lori. You ask yourself why you want to do that.



  457.  #457Turquoise on February 1, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Lori, give yourself a time frame…. I won’t reach out to him until at least 8PM, then move it up to, tomorrow at noon, and repeat. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment for not contacting him and want to keep that feeling going! Good luck, I know it’s not easy!



  458.  #458Lori on February 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

    FW and Turq. I won’t because I know I have to lean back. I need to refocus my energy. I do know why I want to. It’s for me, not for him. I need reassurance that he’s “there”. Intellectually, I know that he’s been up to his ears in work all week and this weekend. I’m just feeling a little scared that he’s disappeared. I don’t like feeling like this. yuck.



  459.  #459Tam on February 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Lori, think how much better you will feel if he contacts you instead. Rather than waiting for a response and run the risk of not getting one.
    That has always helped me not to lean forward.



  460.  #460Lori on February 1, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    Agreed. It’s always exciting and rewarding when he contacts me because I know he truly wants to talk to me.

    I know I’m being insecure. His being “absent” has nothing to do with me or how he feels about me. It has everything to do with work.



  461.  #461Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    I’m just feeling a little scared that he’s disappeared

    Lori ask yourself if this fear makes sense. Also if the fear can stop him from disappearing if he wants to. This is where your inner work is. The fear is what drives our actions.



  462.  #462Lori on February 1, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    FW, it doesn’t make sense. I realize it doesn’t and no it can’t stop him from going anywhere if he wants to.

    I realize that it’s my fear of abandonment, rejection which stems from my childhood of going from foster home to foster home until I was 4.

    It’s incredible how these fears stay with us. I’ve had to work hard to get to where I am now but still have a lot of work to do.



  463.  #463Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Lori that little 4 year old girl inside you sounds like she could use some love and InnerBonding. I encourage you to talk to her. Introduce her to her grown up self and let her know you are there to protect her and you will never leave her. Let her know you love her and will always be there for her. Remember you can parent your inner child.



  464.  #464Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Decide if you are a victim, survivor, conqueror or compassionate lover and take loving action towards yourself.



  465.  #465Lori on February 1, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Awww FW, that made me choke up. I will always be a conqueror. I don’t just survive, I grow. But, I had forgotten about her or maybe I had just stuffed her down. Gave her a cookie to pacify her. lol. I do need to nurture her that I will always take care of her.



  466.  #466Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Gave her a cookie to pacify her. emmm…….Maybe not. Hug her. Massage her chest/back. Let her cry. Let her feel her terror while telling her she will never be abandoned again.



  467.  #467Lori on February 1, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    I was being silly about the cookie. I’ve never been one to nurture myself, always everyone else around me. I need to do that for myself now.

    It’s hard when your a mom to do that sometimes. I see the need in my children and put them first.



  468.  #468Starla on February 1, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Lori, it’s the superbowl! the f*cking superbowl!! hehe. the most important sporting event in america all year. he is just busy

    when i did the photoshoot and interview with the magazine last week, i went pretty silent on QZ… and that was just one day and one magazine. Sometimes we can only manage to ‘care’ about one big thing at a time, and i didn’t have much energy left to show QZ attention or affection.

    PS i think football is stupid and am lucky to have a bf who agrees, so on superbowls he spends the day with me and we make love and eat chinese food and enjoy the quiet streets while everyone’s in front of their TVs. We did this last year and I’m so glad we get to do it again!

    While everyone’s boyfriends are glued to some dumb game, my man is glued to my body;) Oooh I feel like bragging and rubbing it in to the whole world

    “i am a bad person”



  469.  #469Lori on February 1, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    LMAO Starla! You totally made me bust out laughing. He is in sports entertainment so he makes ALOT of money during this time of year and on THIS game. He will working non stop until after the game starts.

    I get what your saying. He has compartmentalized and is totally focused on the objective. He is amazingly good at staying focused.



  470.  #470Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    As I began to open to my deeper core feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, sorrow, and feelings of being crushed and shattered, I realized that all my hiding – which created my wounded feelings – was aimed at avoiding these core feelings that I had never learned how to manage.

    Once I understood this, I was able to bring compassion – kindness, gentleness, tenderness and understanding – to my painful core feelings, and to learn what they were telling me about a person or situation. I realized that my wounded feelings were telling me about how I was treating myself, and my core feelings were telling me about how others were treating me and about what was happening in different situations.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3380/are-you-hiding.htmlhttp://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3368/the-challenge-of-conflict.html



  471.  #471Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    450 thanks for that FW
    He has expressed much interest in meeting then with fizzling out and no follow up… Only to reappear later and want to see me “now” on short notice and asking “where do you work” and when i didnt reply he is calling me shady…etc i was scared he was going to show up there,,, it felt weird. I’m open to learn new things and trying not to be so paranoid but we have to be careful as women out there. I had a stalker before and it’s not a chapter I care to revisit so I need to work on this… Ugh I feel hopeless



  472.  #472Lori on February 1, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    FW 470, I think you just hit the nail on the head. I’ve been slowly peeling away at these feelings for a few years now. It’s like the closer I get, the more it hurts and then I feel afraid. It takes a lot of courage to do it and I have that in spades. I want to be whole and healthy.



  473.  #473Starla on February 1, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Aww Lori, I knew there was something that made me feel so connected to you. Both my parents abandoned me by the time I was in high school.

    (((((((((Lori)))))))))))



  474.  #474Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Too often, we try to fill our need for connection without first healing our inner disconnection. The failure of many marriages and intentional communities is a testament to the futility of trying to create loving relationships and caring communities without first doing the inner work necessary to be connected with oneself. The neediness and controlling behavior that dominates relationships between people who are not connected with themselves is what is responsible for the high divorce rate and the failure of many communities.

    Connection Must Start With Self and Higher Self

    In order to manifest our deepest desire to connect in a loving way with others, we first need to learn to connect in a loving way with ourselves. What this means is that we need to learn be present with a compassionate intent to learn from all of our feelings – especially our painful feelings. The moment you reject your own feelings by ignoring them, judging them, turning to addictions to avoid feeling them, or making another person responsible for them, you are disconnecting from yourself – abandoning yourself and making it impossible to connect with another.

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3403/connection-our-deepest-desire.html



  475.  #475Starla on February 1, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Lori, I’m peeling the layers too. I have a great therapist helping me.

    It feels amazing to work with him because he is actually on my side. He tells me that the things I went through with my parents are unfair and that it’s understandable that i react certain ways to things.

    He was the first person in my adult life to suggest that my mom is just a sick, bad person. The first person ever to suggest that to me was actually a therapist when I was 14. Go figure.



  476.  #476Starla on February 1, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    also of note: when i started with my therapist, it was cuz i was about an impulse and a half from committing su*cide. I went in a screaming, crying, bruised (self inflicted) mess, and only a year and a half later I am this completely different person. He didn’t actually help me much with that aspect of things — to be honest, the women here helped me more than anything. They encouraged me to take care of myself as much as possible, and to ditch men who made me feel crazy and su*cidal.

    but now we’re peeling off the layers and i’m determined to learn to regulate my emotional reactions that are really just childhood triggers in disguise.

    In the meantime, every few days I do kinda “freak out” on QZ. I tell him it’s not his fault and I never take it out on him, but it’s scary to let someone see how weak and freaky i can be, lol.



  477.  #477Mercedes on February 1, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Lori: I get what you’re saying. J will be working the Superbowl too and I’m not going so we’ll be apart on a weekend night for the first time in a LONG time (lucky for me he will be going on Sunday and not tonight like some of the other people he works with. He’s going to be able to join me for the color run so that’s really cool).

    Anyway, it’s frustrating but I get it…has to be done and I’m not able to go so…it’ll be what it is…one night apart isn’t going to kill us. lol In the meantime, my son asked me if I wanted to be his date for a Superbowl party since we don’t have tv at home for me to watch and he knows I don’t like going to bars/parties by myself. What would have been boring has turned into a cool opportunity to spend the day with my son. YAY! PLUS, I get to spend time at a coffee shop earlier in the day with another woman – talking girl talk before the game. 🙂 Nice!

    But I do get the whole “focus on the Superbowl” thing with these men and women who are working it. It’s such a huge event that things need to be perfect and they are responsible for making it that way. Lots of pressure. Things will settle down pretty much immediately after so that’s good. 🙂 The countdown to the end of the big day begins right now!

    Will your guy actually be in New Orleans for the game? If so, I find that cool/weird that we don’t know each other in person but our men will be in the same building at the same time. haha! Fun thought!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  478.  #478Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    So maybe you should be calling him out on “He has expressed much interest in meeting then with fizzling out and no follow up” rather than discussing meeting and what you want in a man. Maybe something like “I don’t take men seriously who don’t keep their word. I really expect that men I date be honest with me about where they’re at otherwise I am not interested”.



  479.  #479Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Mercedes is the best (in my mind) in calling men out on their sheet



  480.  #480Mercedes on February 1, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    FW: LOL! That is certainly something I rarely hesitate to do, especially when I’m angry about something or when I’m being treated in a disrespectful manner. 🙂

    (I have learned to do it with a little more grace than in the past though…)

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  481.  #481Starla on February 1, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    My mother gave me a lot of sheet (really abusive, manipulative, irresponsible sheet and she kept us isolated so that no one could ever call her out on it), and when i called her out on it, she punished me harshly for months and months and months on end and eventually disappeared.

    so now i get really triggered and freaked out when i need to call someone out on their sheet. i cry and shake. i’m workin on it now. it would feel so good to just say matter of factly that i don’t like something, and not worry they’re going to abuse me or leave me.



  482.  #482Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm


  483.  #483Lori on February 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Fw, so very true and I completely agree. I’m working on it.

    Mercedes, K works in Vegas. This weekend will be nuts.



  484.  #484Emerson on February 1, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    478 fw I like that idea…
    It all feels so tiring



  485.  #485Indigo on February 1, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Sirens, help please.

    D contacts me almost constantly, and it is making these 6 months apart almost impossible to do.

    I mean, he contacts me every day to say hi and how are you, and send me something like a song he thinks I’ll like, or have a little chat. And I love it, but it makes me feel like he cares, and I just can’t.

    Yet, if he contacts me, I feel compelled to respond. But it opens me up when I was just starting to get a hold of myself. It makes me want to ask if he’s meeting someone, or open to meeting someone, or if he still loves me. It puts my attention back on him and I don’t want it to be. And HE gets frustrated, because he checks in for a lighthearted chat and to show he’s thinking about me, and I end up getting all emotional.

    I’m considering asking him to not contact me for a few days. He’s religiously contacted me at least every second day for two and a half years now, but it throws me into a complete tailspin now. I love hearing from him, but the way things are now, it throws me off balance. Moreover, I don’t want to alienate him when I find myself just typing out my feelings and asking him questions when they all come tumbling out.

    What do you think?



  486.  #486Starla on February 1, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Indigo, does he send emails? I can help you set up a filter so that his emails go into a separate folder and you don’t ever have to see that he’s emailing you unless you open up the folder to check.



  487.  #487Liquid Light on February 1, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I was just at an intersection and when the light turned green, I started moving. But I guess I wasn’t going fast enough because the guy behind me started honking at me, and he kept doing it even after I took the on-ramp onto the freeway. But I didn’t let it bother me. (Normally I would have gotten pissed and flipped him off or something.)

    Happiness vow is working!!! 🙂



  488.  #488Starla on February 1, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    yay liquid light!

    and lol@ aggro drivers. chill pill, dude!



  489.  #489Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    @474 FW: As with anything it is about balance and the right thing at the right time. Relationships and the triggers in them help us heal and can help us connect as we become aware of the disconnects in our being so in truth these triggers will never be gone or truly healed. We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect and allow others to not be perfect.
    So, I don’t propose that we don’t look at our inner stuff but what I learned with Rori is the exact opposite of what everyone else ever told me. I received a great deal of judgment over it as I CD’d lots of men with the target and focus being to find the best man and the one that I love with all of his imperfections and all of mine. I still get triggered by some of the things he does, and goodness by his mother but it’s not about him. Its about my stuff however, I could never really be completely healed until I allowed myself to be in a confident relationship and let myself be completely me; with all my broken parts. I felt a little twinge when I saw that people don’t heal their connections first but if their connections can only be healed by the trust and commitment of a real relationship (sometimes with other people, sometimes with friends and sometimes with a lasting partner). I felt confused as I am having a different experience with this.
    I have had so many get upset with me for dating while I was single with children and had to fight through them telling me to get over my hurts with one relationship before I got into another? However, as I dated and as with what I think Rori gets at that each guy is not only possibly “it” but also a way to assist us in getting past some of our disconnects. It is harder because it is more challenging and yes a person must be ready for even this step but I have to say: I go against the grain on the notion that we have to be healed but be willing to be healed while navigating mature and loving relationships…I’m wondering how you feel about that?



  490.  #490Miraculously Loved on February 1, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    FW: also I do see the value of being connected to ones’ self first and I agree with that. It feels good to be connected and I feel a sense of wonder right now from the beautiful excitement of this challenge to me..



  491.  #491Indigo on February 1, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Starla

    thank you girl 🙂 it’s via skype. And I know it would be the easiest thing in the world to block him, but I just can’t bring myself to do that.

    I keep coming back to, doing no contact for a while would be best.

    Maybe for a while I just need to disable skype, facebook etc., and really go through the pain of this cold turkey.



  492.  #492Indigo on February 1, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    Lori 454

    Do you have someone, a favourite friend, you can contact for a good chat instead? It could be something inside you calling out for a bit of connection.



  493.  #493brokenhearted on February 1, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Rori…. thanks for your help. To answer your questions
    I only seen will&grace couple times
    Sexual he has gone down oral lots of times always seem to me he loved it. He never went for the back door.
    I have other gay friends and you can tell there gay by the dress talking everything else.
    I’m confused why make all plans for future if its not true he is older man in his 30s so I would think by then you would be fully out the closet?
    When u say gay men make great husbands or bi men does that mean you get to enjoy sexual relations with two men
    Idk maybe with some healing I can be friends with him but I feel so hurt now I mean he asked my father if he could have my hand in marriage idk this is so crazy for me right now its hard pill to swallow for anyone thanks again rori



  494.  #494Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Brokenheart how old are you? A 30 something man is a very young man to be starting his family life.



  495.  #495Femininewoman on February 1, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    I totally agree with you Miraculously Loved. BTW I absolutely love your screen name



  496.  #496brokenhearted on February 1, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    @FW
    I’m 34 and he is 35. We are both well established to the point if we didn’t want to work we could retire and enjoy life.. we do investing trading overseas so money was never issues.



  497.  #497Jessie1000 on February 1, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    hi memulo and ulii…My date went great last night…he made salmon and potatoes, he wanted to give me booze lol but I had to take alot of robaxacet to get to his house…then he got drunk on whiskey and we were just eating and sitting and listening to music and smoking then he said stand up….lol so I did and he sat down in my recliner, lol and sat me on his knee. Then we just talked for along time…I love to sit on my mans lap and its wierd cause I never told him that!!!
    He was so romantic and didnt try to be a pig, and he is such a nice kisser, very sexy, first kiss Ive had since my sexy Beau that I left in ontario…
    Anyway I enjoyed him alot, I will name him Chivas cause he drinks expensive whiskey….He told me to come see him this weekend …hooking it up already for the next time…lol its fun to date now compared to my PRE-RORI days lol
    Kisses girls!!!
    may all your Beaus love you, kiss you, and leave you better off than before!!!



  498.  #498Memulo on February 1, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    FW I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel like an ice princess. I’m pretty emotional. Im affectionate. I don’t know how to defend myself at times. I’m not aggressive. My manager had a conversation with me today that I’m not aggressive enough. And he is right. I let people who are less professional and less qualified walk over me. Tonight I feel like a pushover. Regarding your mirror question – most people find me pretty and most guys want me. Still it didn’t get me very far. The reason is above. Part of it is that I don’t expect to be hit. Like with that grandmother comment it took me days to realize it was wrong. At the time I refused to believe I was being put down. And I do it all the time. I don’t put people down and don’t recognize right away when they do. Not sure how to change that.