Are You Afraid Of Being “Weak”? – And “Have It All” Class Tonight!!

Untitled design (14)

tiltheadHi, This is Rori,

A male friend of mine once told me how his wife is always talking about how difficult it is for us women to find a balance between “I’m afraid of looking weak” and “I’m afraid of looking ‘bitchy,’” and I just SO identified.

And the thing is – this problem strikes us no matter WHERE we actually ARE on our own scale of “success” in life and in love.

If we have a great boyfriend, but we want MORE – to be married – we feel afraid of being a weak “doormat” and just going along with whatever he wants, or of being a demanding “bitch” who “calls him out” on his fear of commitment and tells him how we want the relationship to go.

Reminder – The first ever Have It All! Teleclass is Tonight at 5:30 PDT, 8:30 EDT…check it out here…

http://www.coachrori.com/have-it-all-teleclass-membership/

How to solve this? First I’ll share what works for me:

When I find myself getting all worked up over details, “what happened,” “who said what,” and reliving things over and over again, I notice I tend to go to extremes. It’s as though I get really sensitive when I get really SMALL.

And…most things that have happened in the past, things that we have to think about in the future, things we have to deal with right NOW…are often really SMALL.

Getting them right or wrong might help or damage my self-confidence, depending on how much importance I put on the “thing” – but in the scheme of a whole relationship, most things really are SMALL.

Even the big presentation at work, where you’re sweating and nervous, isn’t usually a “make-it or break it” situation – but THINKING it is can MAKE it HUGE.

The “big” date with a man we really like will NOT “make or break” the relationship – but the PRESSURE we put on ourselves about it actually CAN affect how we feel and how we act, and so it CAN affect how the relationship goes.

I’ll write much more about this doormat/bitch problem, but for now, do this about the SMALL stuff (no matter how big it feels to you):

The next time your man calls, or comes over to relax, or takes you out:

1. Pretend he’s the nerdy guy you barely remember from high school who was totally clueless, totally almost invisible to you, and totally not worth your time to think about. When you get that feeling into your body…

2. Get your sense of humor back – think about something you or he did that was really silly, instead of imagining him as your knight in shining armor and the man of your dreams, think of him as a furry animal that straggled into your life who needs YOU to survive…

3. Tell yourself that the situation is SMALL and then

4. Get a BIGGER picture – imagine yourself in a BRILLIANT relationship, strolling through life as easy as can be, as happy as can be, maybe while you’re saving a piece of the world at the same time? One-handed?

Love, Rori

108 Comments

  1.  #1Tatia Dee on March 10, 2015 at 9:49 am

    Yeah! Teleclass! New Rori Program! Loving it!



  2.  #2Beloved on March 10, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    This is cracking me up:

    The next time your man calls, or comes over to relax, or takes you out:

    1. Pretend he’s the nerdy guy you barely remember from high school who was totally clueless, totally almost invisible to you, and totally not worth your time to think about. When you get that feeling into your body…

    2. Get your sense of humor back – think about something you or he did that was really silly, instead of imagining him as your knight in shining armor and the man of your dreams, think of him as a furry animal that straggled into your life who needs YOU to survive…

    3. Tell yourself that the situation is SMALL and then…

    4. Get a BIGGER picture – imagine yourself in a BRILLIANT relationship, strolling through life as easy as can be, as happy as can be, maybe while you’re saving a piece of the world at the same time? One-handed?

    ~ Even imagining all of this, I would have not pursued anything with DTDH, it just probably wouldn’t have felt so intense. It was such a “my way or the highway” kind of situation, and I have to say, the highway feels mighty fine sometimes 🙂

    I feel so content and sweet and at peace.
    Yesterday, TG bought a new super-nice fridge so everyone has plenty of room. It feels interesting to see how he responds to situations…his solution nearly always is to expand rather than cut back. RoomieN has a whole kitchen full of stuff? Ok, let’s make some room. Overflowing pantry? Ok, let’s move stuff around and make more room. Maybe that is weird but it is SO different from what I’m used to. It feels really nice. Whenever I’m wondering if there’s going to be conflict, I lean back, observe, and he handles it again with working it out and nobody needing to shrink.
    This morning, I decided to put some oil in my car before I left. While I was pouring it, I hear TG calling out to me from the garage. From the complete opposite end of the house, from the enclosed living room with the TV on, he somehow realized I had walked out the door and not left right away, so he came out to check on me and make sure I wasn’t having problems starting my car.
    It feels so, so nice to feel like someone is looking out for me, especially a man. I’m loving this.
    My inner man, handled some stuff today that was expensive, tedious and needed to be done. He even took me shopping and had lots of patience and fun with choosing some crystals and hanging hooks at the craft store.
    Yes, Good, this feels really, really good.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on March 11, 2015 at 4:26 am

    I love it.



  4.  #4April Rose on March 11, 2015 at 5:28 am

    Oh, this feels lovely to read….



  5.  #5April Rose on March 11, 2015 at 5:30 am

    I’m totally beginning to get the sense of being ‘rooted’ in my own inner tree trunk and roots, laughing and chuckling at my own life’s goings-on.
    And then allowing that zipper to open so I might share a glimpse of myself with a man. And I chuckle again when he gets turned on by me!



  6.  #6April Rose on March 11, 2015 at 5:36 am

    ((((Beloved))))

    I’m giggling and dancing over here.
    It feels so yummy to hear about masculine nurturing and competence and generosity.
    And it feels even more yummy to hear about a woman who can deeply receive and appreciate that energy coming towards her.

    It is no small thing to open up to the masculine energy that is coming towards us. It is huge. And I believe it is a healing force for the whole world.



  7.  #7Elsie on March 11, 2015 at 5:55 am

    I put a post on the other post (previous one) and its long, sorry, but maybe you guys can go over there and read it and then comment over here if you like. 🙂



  8.  #8Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 10:03 am

    I love the nerdy guy thing – i want to use that always – whenever a man gets hooked into my psyche (like now) then I get emotions I don’t manage well (like now) my head gets all mashed up. They are so nerdy and not worth my time.

    How do you do it all and still float about being sireny and it not be like playing games – I don’t know how t do it. Like, I either go to an event and i’m no one’s possession (as there has been intimacy) and then that feels gamey or I be authentic about feelings when its all my expectation and fault in the first place and then that’s confusing and drama.

    I have to find the right mix of energy – maybe I will by tomorrow and if I haven’t then I won’t go…to the event. I got my head all mixed up 🙁



  9.  #9Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 10:09 am

    And just like that…I felt rejected by one and didn’t know how to be responsive without the nuance of disappointment coming across (or any defensive I feel rejected my head is thinking a million things coming across) and another one emailed me – it feels like a little balm for a wound. I hate how I lose my cool – man number one owes me nothing at all – none of them do. I just feel needy and I acted out on it and I feel sad, angry and disappointed with myself x



  10.  #10Gemini Goddess on March 11, 2015 at 10:14 am

    I’d say I’m far more triggered by appearing to be needy than bitchy. Interesting.



  11.  #11Gemini Goddess on March 11, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Went to moderation. I’ll try again.

    I’d say I’m far more triggered by appearing to be needy than b*tchy. Interesting.



  12.  #12Gemini Goddess on March 11, 2015 at 10:16 am

    (((Sophie)))



  13.  #13Gemini Goddess on March 11, 2015 at 10:28 am

    I need to love on my needy self.
    I intend to love on my needy self.
    Loving on my needy self feels good.
    I love my needy self.

    Love to ALL the needy selves! 🙂



  14.  #14Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 10:44 am

    okay i didn’t numb the sad stuck feelings stay stuck- 14 years ago last week one of my best friends and a lover died on his birthday and now I have allowed this year’s grief – i’ve been listening to the painful songs and let myself cry. The man who i’d felt rejected by just emailed to thank him for sending him some stuff about the beauty of women. I felt gratitude that it had resonated with him. Still, I am going to stay with my grief for a while longer.



  15.  #15Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 10:45 am

    it feels good to cry x less swelling in my chest x



  16.  #16Azure Blu on March 11, 2015 at 10:53 am

    (((Sophie)))
    so sorry for your loss… good for you to be loving your grieving self…



  17.  #17Azure Blu on March 11, 2015 at 10:54 am

    GG
    I needed the reminder to LOVE MY NEEDY self…
    I tend to neglect, reject, ignore her…
    she needs LOTS of love and attention
    right now..



  18.  #18Gemini Goddess on March 11, 2015 at 11:10 am

    (Azure Blu)

    Sending floods of love to your sweet, tender, darling needy self.

    XXOO



  19.  #19Sophie on March 11, 2015 at 11:15 am

    (((Åzure Blu)))and all our needy selves – so much love and attention – i’m doing my best with that xxx



  20.  #20Azure Blu on March 11, 2015 at 11:31 am

    GG & Sophie…
    THANKYou!!! feels sooo very warm and cherished…
    I am sending MUCH love to your NEEDY selves also
    oooxxxx



  21.  #21lovetodance on March 11, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    sophie….i feel very happy to hear your voice here..i have been wondering about you….

    yes and i believe ‘needy’ is a part of the human condition…we just hardwire to have needs…sometimes those needs get really big, sometimes they ain’t …but its no sin…

    i feel the sin might be to deny ever being needy….it takes strength to feel our feelings and to acknowledge our needs….

    anyhow darling…
    i have been building the’ anti sensitivity to rejection to muscle’ myself

    altho its one my least favorite feeling states….it just mean i put myself out in the stream of life hoping for one thing and got another….
    que–f–king—-sera….
    i am getting stronger…

    and i KNOW how beautiful i am….

    much love to you beautiful and strong siren xoxoxo



  22.  #22lovetodance on March 11, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    azure and gemini…..

    its a beautiful day to feel our needs…to get up close and personal with them eh?

    i am sending yous big hugs to your little and big selves as i too hug all my needs …met and un met….

    it has been a tumultious time for me…coming up face to face with fear, confusion, aversion, desire, disappointment, smallness and largeness…i will soon begin to write again on our lovely blog…i today, this moment still in a swirl of a whirl of my world…xoxoxo



  23.  #23Azure Blu on March 11, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    {{{{{LTD!!!}}}} Hugs to you as you build
    swirl, grow,
    hang in there!!!
    this is when the breakthrus happen!!!

    Ahhh… your poetic voice is sooo lovely…



  24.  #24Gemini Goddess on March 11, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    ((((lovetodance)))))

    So wonderful to hear from you…from the chrysalis!

    XXOO



  25.  #25Kim on March 11, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Wow I just got around to reading the last thread…Elsie, I know you are hurting, but I have to confess that I still enjoy your ermm ‘spunky’ posts…
    I don’t think my friends would ever suggest they would write to a man on my behalf but maybe sometimes I wish they did lol…but no, IDK, I have always been the ‘slipping away kind’ OR the ‘throwing the match’….myself.
    I like to spew…like a volcano…especially after months of lying dormant lol…I know we are not supposed to but it never made nor broke a relationship.
    It is not always elegant to do it…but sometimes, it makes us feel better to do it and if we don’t care about the man anymore, then yes, i agree it can be cathartic..and it is honest. I can’t compare it to beating a child or dog, which presumably is not only illegal but also immoral and telling someone what you think of them, is neither.

    I did it with my guy today. I still feel grossed out by being virtually left to my own devices this weekend, which was also unplanned and I have demanded some space to work through what ticked me off. So far so elegantly.
    He did not leave me in peace. He wanted to talk, sent me messages to please let him know I was ok, but when I said yes it was not enough..and then, well then instead of thinking through what I wanted to say and the least blamey way to say it..I…I called him and his sister the Addams family who sit behind closed curtains like teenagers all weekend sleeping, watching TV and reverting back to childhood and I was not invited to the childrens party which hacked me off. Meanwhile adults are out their living adult lives and raising families…was there anything else he wanted to know? In that kind of tune..
    Well. i elaborated a bit more….lol. Nothing really bad but nothing very nice either..that I cringed about his embarrassment to have a gf, a man of 45, and how I felt like the fifth wheel bla.
    Now he doesn’t want to talk anymore and I have my space.
    And I feel ok.
    This is probably make or break.
    I have felt a little disappointed…he totally procratinated with everything, never helped me financially which he promised, and…he knkws I would never ask. Not my MO.
    He knows my situation.
    I was sick too and still am a bit so I feel more cranky than usual.
    I feel totally at peace with what will happen…I kinda miss CDing, I miss doing stuff with my more active male friends…I don’t have a ring and I feel free…it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I did return to europe.
    I am not even afraid of losing him….he is that good man that Rori talks about, the one who doesn’t excite us but is good for us and bla bla..I am starting to doubt that philosophy a bit.
    I mean, I tried it all..the emotionally unavailable firecracker, the blring good men etc….and I am unsure as to how I should put it, but when I think about a few things and the little eye opener this weekend, I believe the rest of our lives can stretch out quite a bit with a good guy who, maybe devoted, has no fire in his pants and sits in front of a box eating pizza all weekend…perhaps, maybe that just might not be me? Hmmmmm



  26.  #26Starla on March 11, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    Doing something in hopes of hurting someone and making them cry is abusive, plain and simple. We feel justified when we’ve been feeling victimized, and we deserve catharsis, but there’s gotta be a healthier way to detach from a guy you don’t want anyway. I didn’t mean for the analogy to get so magnified with the dog and child. Sorry for being confusing!



  27.  #27Starla on March 11, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    Wow good time to do some processing on what is driving me to chime in today when i usually feel so quiet about the blog. Thank you!



  28.  #28Millie on March 11, 2015 at 10:13 pm

    My love life has been going pretty well… It was going strong. But my job has felt like a sinking ship, sinking my spirits heavily. I can clearly say that I don’t want to be there anymore, I don’t want to do this. I feel scared because if I’m not a designer what would I be? That scares me. I am putting myself out there for jobs but I feel like the timing isn’t right. I want it to be right, but it isn’t. I know the kind of life I want, I’m just not sure how to get there. And I think all this fear and anger with my job is coming in to my relationship. It’s coming in the form of walls and in the form of judgement. All of a sudden little things he does, or says or doesn’t say… Bother me. I find myself focusing on him instead of me. Instead of being in the moment. I find myself shutting down. Being still. Withdrawing and yet craving that feeling. That special feeling we have with each other. And I know I’m standing in the way of it. I’m scared for things to get routine or repetitive. I feel my old habits of wanting a chase emerge and judging the good guy because I can. But truly, this man is a great guy and I want to grow and feel myself get beyond my patterns, beyond my safety zone. I know it’s a process and he’s here, he’s not going anywhere… So I have that space to grow in front of me. I’m just scared. It’s hard to articulate why.



  29.  #29Silver-Tongued Siren on March 11, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    Kim, 24..

    Yes, I have thought about that as well.
    I would rather handle the extremities of a relationship than have a relationship with a man who has no fire.

    Nothing has ever terrified me more than being “bored” – basically, not living. Being too content with mediocrity.

    Going to work, coming home, eating and watching tv, repeat. Simplified, but you know what I mean.

    I enjoy the ALIVENESS of my relationship with MILW for example. No matter whether he has a “personality disorder, and the difficulties we’ve been through, we’ve been through the most AMAZING, happy, perfect times, and you can’t trade anything for that.

    Not perfect, but VERY ALIVE.



  30.  #30Indigo on March 12, 2015 at 12:25 am

    Silver-Tongued Siren 28,

    I feel the same way. The first few years of my relationship with D were a bit tumultuous, as we both had an extremely steep learning curve being that all our issues came rushing to the surface but our love for each other did not allow us to run. It has taken a while to clear away the detritus, but things finally seem to flowing along on an even keel now. But one thing our relationship has never been is boring. I’m not talking about the drama – I mean, there is a vibrancy to our relationship that I’ve never experienced before, an aliveness. Even when we’re just doing something very ordinary like making dinner or chilling out at home, it’s like the air around us sings with aliveness – there is always laughter and a sense of being totally vibrant, whilst also being at peace. He absolutely thrills me and makes me feel like we’re having the most fun in the whole world, no matter what we’re doing. After 4 and a half years sex is still absolutely incredible and I still get turned on by him at the drop of a hat. I don’t think I could ever go back after feeling this way.



  31.  #31Lotus on March 12, 2015 at 3:55 am

    I’m feeling a little flustered….
    I feel love coming towards me with Mr Am, and have been for a while. I feel on the edge of a big, warm bubble of love that grows bigger each time, it envelopes and soothes me when I get close and tickles me when I’m away and this feels different to any other experiences I’ve had with other men.

    Mr Am is steadier, feels wholesome. He wants to give me space and time as I work through my stuff of leaving my marriage. He has even said he’ll take me and my baggage, and has been waiting a long time to feel like this about someone. Even though he is careful not to say too much to scare me off, his actions tell me so much, and they feel so good! Everytime I have a little worry, he responds in a way that makes me feel reassured and I want him closer.

    He is taking me on a day trip tomorrow to a coastal town I’ve always wanted to go to, and I felt so happy when he suggested it as he remembered it from a conversation we had a while back! Lots of little things happen which make me feel this is a good natural thing, maybe even of the bigger cosmos variety such as synchronicity – texting at exactly the same time, thinking of the same things, imagining the same picture for a relationship… not that I want to read into this too much but it all helps to create a lovely feeling. It all feels really easy… I just want to enjoy it yet I feel a bit scared, even he has said it’s good scary… like he’s at the top of a rollercoaster.

    So my dilemma, I had not expected to be getting into a relationship at this point, especially as I am navigating out of my marriage and wanting a divorce. I have taken one step with one foot into the abyss and feel that I am about to fall. The view ahead looks so good! The air feels so fine. It feels so scary, but in a good way.

    With the H, the fear was not good, it was stopping me from going back to him, the fear of being hurt, needing to protect my heart and sanity for good reason. With Mr Am, the fear is of falling in love, and being known and well.. just being able to enjoy it and not being in my head, and spoiling it. It’s the feeling of starting at a new school.. will they like me, will I fit in?

    My dilemma is this… he has invited me to stay over tonight and then we go on our day trip the next morning. And on Saturday I meet the H to have another big talk. I have written him a letter to explain that there’s really no going back, and that I leave with love. He doesn’t try to stop convincing me, and I feel so tired of it. Yet I still feel scared he’ll do something stupid and I know it’s not my responsibility, yet I still care about him as a person.

    I woke up this morning thinking oh, so staying over with Mr Am and getting ready together in the morning to go on a day trip feels very coupley… should I switch it around and stay when I get back.. oh but then I would be seeing the H the next day….and I would feel tired and he may have an inkling about my budding romance. But I don’t really just want to do day trip, it would be nice to hang out for an evening..
    Guess I’m a bit hesitant of our feelings moving faster..

    I’m not sure what to do… Guess I have feelings of guilt. I want to move towards the good stuff which is why I want to stay over, but at the same time am a bit worried of moving another step forward before the H has let me go. He has begged me not to leave him and is bartering for me to stay. I am just glad that my therapist has told me ‘He doesn’t know what love is…’

    No this feels like something altogether different. How should I proceed with Mr Am?



  32.  #32Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 4:35 am

    {{{Kim}}} #24
    geee…. whenever i read your description
    of MoM and his sister… well…
    it sounds sooo odd…
    I remember when you said they like to sleep together, still…
    I totally understand why you would be feeling “invisible” (invisible is what I’m healing these daze)
    It’s a little like what Spirit did with his family and me…

    Invisible and abandoned… ignored…
    The way he was playing games with staying in contact with you… changing plans…
    of course you would be feeling manipulated!!!
    I don’t know/// he may be a good guy…
    but he has his armor up – a mirror?



  33.  #33Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 4:48 am

    Yes… Vibrant and alive opposed to boring and dull…
    I love how Indigo describes she and D…
    “I mean, there is a vibrancy to our relationship that I’ve never experienced before,
    an aliveness.
    Even when we’re just doing something very ordinary
    like making dinner
    or chilling out at home,
    it’s like the air around us
    sings with aliveness ”

    Welllll… after 3 months Cding…
    my last 3 dates were nice but… blahhhh…
    i went in with open heart… feeling messages.
    all asked me out for 2nd dates… of course
    I’ve been schooled in Sireness!!! I am lovely, warm and smart!! :-))

    I AM READY TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT…

    I have hidden my profile on POF

    I’ve signed up for volunteer work at my local food bank….
    I am going to start learning how to play golf,
    ballroom dancing
    and learn Italian!!!
    Spring TIME here *I* come!!!
    love to alll you lovely sirens…
    I learn sooo much here on siren Island
    Thank you for your support and all that you
    share here
    Your vulnerable, soft, scared, authentic, powerful
    voices!!!
    MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!



  34.  #34Lotus on March 12, 2015 at 5:17 am

    I don’t want to ‘piggy-back’ into a new relationship, and want to take away thoughts of Mr Am being the one. He has lots of traits that are on my list, that I made whilst going through turmoil with my H – the inside qualities of a man and the vibrant energy about him, and oh my goodness he surprised me to the nines in bed too. I like the fact that he is quite preppy and a good boy on the outside, but in the bedroom he reveals a devilishly sexy side.

    I feel remnants of the ex and don’t want them to around whilst enjoying a new guy… is it even possible to clean myself of past ghosts who are not even ghosts yet? For me, this is so new coming from a 15 year relationship. Even though the H and I were very disconnected in the last few years and only lived together 2.5 years in a 6 year marriage.



  35.  #35Labbit on March 12, 2015 at 5:35 am

    27 Millie — What you’re feeling now is very normal. I have felt very similar things to you, a mix of desire to go forward and yet fear of what could happen out in that space beyond my ‘known’. I recently read a relationship book that articulated it very well. It said that most people have a fear of getting close and yet also a fear of being alone, and these two fears compete with each other in a kind of constant push-pull inside of most of us. Along with this we have a desire for/fear of unity and autonomy which further complicates matters by driving us to blend with someone until our mind starts seeking autonomy, often in ways such as the one you mention of finding little things in our partner that irritate us.

    We think all of these irritations and bad feelings come from our partner, because we only feel this way when we’re around them or thinking of them. The reality however is that these fears, these nitpicks, these weird feelings are all inside of us. They come up because love is WORKING. We seek out partners that can help us heal…before we can heal we must bring all the old cruft to the surface so that we can recognize it and instead of falling into old habits and behavior patterns that did not serve us we can keep our heads and choose new ways to go.

    It’s about moment-by-moment, making sure our focus is on ourselves, treating ourselves like gold, making peace with all the parts of us we don’t like, realizing that our mind picks on us hardest of all and loving that part of us anyway. That healing vibrates out of us like a powerful magnet and carries us into more and more positive feelings. For some of us those positive feelings can create intense fear and we might try to create negative situations to drag ourselves back down. With time and vigilance we can learn how to train ourselves to allow our world to get better and better, to learn that joy only brings more joy if we let it, that the goal is not perfection but simply to realize that we have a choice in every moment how we feel, how we treat ourselves.



  36.  #36Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 5:54 am

    {{{Labitt}}} #33
    thank you
    I will meditate on this
    carefully
    today



  37.  #37Kim on March 12, 2015 at 5:59 am

    Hi Azure!
    Thank you for your comment….yes, maybe.
    I am done overthinking this…it is not the relationship I want. He is procrastinating, not helping me, staying locked up for a long weekend with his baby sister (in their 40’s), there is no ring and nothing.
    I love him, he’s cute and sweet but there is a real connection missing, a real adult-feeling relationship. It feels like being with a teenager and no, of course I am not perfect either and I probably do have my armor up, but even if it was down, the facts would still present themselves.
    He has no boundaries, he dumped me for a weekend to help his ex before, now the sister, as if he somehow can’t actually integrate me into his life, is embarrassed to have a relationship, well maybe I am a demanding b*tch and maybe then I am better off alone, but…doesn’t work in that shape or form for me.
    Yes, I agree it was probably a little manipulative….he kept changing plans, and keeping me on a string all weekend long. Why? Because I let it happen. I could have just gone and done something else, I somehow ‘assumed’ with all the ‘I miss you’ texts, that he actually wanted to see me – he lives barely 20 minutes away lol.
    No, he just wanted to make sure I sit and wait and don’t do anything else presumably. He knows my MO and knows I abhor this, we clashed MANY times.
    The thing is, it was my fault.
    I have plenty of invites from ither guys, I stopped CDing because he asked me to. That was silly.
    If anyone asks me for a date, I am going now.
    I don’t have to cheat on him, but there is no way I am sitting at home like this again.



  38.  #38Kim on March 12, 2015 at 6:01 am

    BTW Azure, I loved hearing that you are lining up all these activities for you. Why?
    Because I found that finding my passions again and doing things I LOVE and that make me feel good, quite often have made me happier than dating – you go girl!



  39.  #39Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 6:01 am

    For those needing a little encouragment
    to keep on Cding…
    From Marc Katz

    The power of persistence.
    You fall down, you get up.
    You fail, you try again.
    There literally is no other way.
    Whether you like it or not, finding lasting love is extremely difficult.
    If it were easy, it wouldn’t be precious and valuable.
    If it were easy, you would already be in a great relationship right now.
    And since you’ve fallen in love maybe three times in your entire life, what are the odds are that you’re going to fall in love in the next 30 days on Match.com?
    That’s right. They’re really, really, low. Like, 1 in 1000 low.
    But you know what makes them MUCH lower?
    When you’re NOT on Match.com.
    When you’re NOT meeting guys in real life.
    When you’re NOT going on a first date with a new man each week.
    This is why I want you to immediately embrace this concept:
    You need to be a short-term pessimist AND a long-term optimist.
    Now why would I ask you to be a short-term pessimist? Isn’t that negative?
    No. It’s realistic.
    And once you come to terms with how realistic it is, it won’t be as upsetting when it proves to be true.
    If you’ve fallen in love 3 times in your life, you honestly can’t expect that the next random guy you meet will be “the one”.
    If you generally think that 90% of men you meet aren’t attractive, you can’t expect that you’ll have incredible chemistry with your next date.
    If you’ve dated for years and years and are still single, you can’t expect each new promising man to be the guy who sweeps you off your feet.
    Which is why it’s so important to set your expectations realistically.
    Realistically, you might have to date online for a year.
    Realistically, you might have to go out with 30 men.
    Realistically, you will meet guys who are weird, selfish or emotionally unavailable.
    If this is all predictable – and it is – it shouldn’t be too upsetting.
    You don’t start crying when it rains. It’s predictable.
    You don’t go to therapy when there’s rush hour traffic. It’s predictable.
    You don’t freak out when you don’t win the lottery. It’s predictable.
    Starting now, you’re going to be perfectly fine with the ups and downs of dating.
    Failure and frustration are built into the business model.
    Babe Ruth struck out over 1,000 times while becoming a baseball icon.
    Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times while inventing the light bulb.
    The road to success is paved with failure.

    Hope *Springs* eternal
    Keep CDing, fine feathered Sirens!!!



  40.  #40Kim on March 12, 2015 at 6:05 am

    STS, your post reaonates also…I am very good at having fun alone, I have had an amazing exciting life, living on two continents etc.
    It is tough for me to suddenly find myself with someone whose highlight of the day is sleeping and watching a zombie show lol….not that he is always like this, but I often have a feeling I am dragging him around. It’s energy zapping and quite the contrary of uplifting.
    I want to feel uplifted.
    He even said a few times that I give him energy…and I can often feel him zapping mine.
    This is great for him.
    I feel loved and cherished, but not so much stimulated. Is it enough? It probably would be, if we had a better bond…and he would move things along and talk about ‘us’…
    I think in life it’s all a cost/benefit analysis..and I haven’t finished this calculation yet lol



  41.  #41Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 6:09 am

    Kim…
    Yes… I am sorry that all this positive forward motion from MoM seems to be backing off a bit…
    It may be the pendulum that Labbit, GG & Indigo have been posting about…
    Getting emotionally/physically intimate and then
    needing space (not always done elegantly)
    to process the intimacy…
    each time streatching our intimacy muscles a bit more…

    Yes to ME CDing myself…



  42.  #42Kim on March 12, 2015 at 6:22 am

    As I was typing this, I got invited by one of my male friends….whom I am not really attracted to … for a weekend in the Keys.
    This guy is an old salty sea dog, incredibly interesting but I couldn’t touch him with a bargepole….he is not even unattractive but…
    He just came out of a short lived relationship.
    He wants to take me to a seafood festival and said most likely overnight stay – he has family there.
    Meanwhile crickets from Mr Mopey.
    And this is what I perceive to always be a problem if I pursued this relationship. He snoozes and he might lose eventually….it’s sad but I just sat home a whole long weekend, I am not going to sit home another…
    I do feel a slight pang of guilt, but no.
    Life goes on.



  43.  #43Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 6:26 am

    Reminds me of something I read from Gay Hendricks. Commitment like an airplane doesn’t follow a straight line. There are things along the way that causes a little deviation here and little deviation there but it all eventually gets you to where you are going.

    Kim if you fully commit to the relationship these things can be seen with a different perspective. Again I sense some urgency in your posts and some looking to MoM to “save” you in some way. I don’t expect you to agree with me and I just want to share what seems to be coming up for me in reading your comments. Again it seems that this relationship is somewhat one of convenience. When the flaws of his humanity shows up you want to bail rather than negotiate what you want as if the relationship is always on trial.

    There will always be other women in men’s lives including their sisters. This guy is single and will choose to live like that a times. Even when married I believe that kind of thing come up for some guys. It changes as internal shifts happen gradually. Expecting it to happen immediately is well unrealistic. As people settle in with each other and learn about each other they learn how to be with each other. Even when we learn stuff we can fall back into old habits. They say they die hard for a reason. Maybe another way could have been that you together came to an agreement that he does not contact you when she is around so that he gets to live the way he wants to, experience his freedom, and gets a chance to miss you. You get to live and do what you want and also decide if these breaks feed your soul. Then see how when you get back together how you feel. With awareness there is so many different ways and chooses that could be made and things could be handled. All he needs to know is that this way doesn’t work for you. He is free to do what he wants but this doesn’t work for you. If you live together it might come up so it would be good to come to some agreement prior to each event. Couples are still individuals who need their own life.



  44.  #44Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 6:31 am

    The energy zapping things is interesting and significant. I personally can’t see how feeling loved and cherished can go alongside with energy zap. It feels a bit incongruent to me but that is me.



  45.  #45Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 6:32 am

    I think in life it’s all a cost/benefit analysis..

    Reminds me of Rori’s post about investment.



  46.  #46Kim on March 12, 2015 at 6:37 am

    No, not quite FW. We have our own lives, friends etc. He is always on my case because he wants to see more of me.
    This was not about that, it was about us having agreed on plans, him getting bossed about by his sister the whole weekend to do fools errands like go to the grocery store to bake at night, so they got delayed and dumped me and the plans we had together one by one,
    Not quite the same as me giving him space….it’s a man who has no boundaries, like he has no boundaries with his ex….he’ll jumo when she needs him apparently.
    To me it is pretty unattractive and feels off when this happens…undoubtedly if I put my foot down, he would also have no boundaries with me. I am not like that. I do not demand, push, ask for stuff so consequently my needs don’t matter as much as those who do.
    I have to ask myself if I can accept that part because he is who he is….and I have to admit, it clashes with my sensitivities….very much.
    I want to be asked and consulted too, he asked me to stop dating other men and we were going to move in together, I cannot accept to be messed about with plans.
    He is like that with his friends too….no good boundaries…luckily they are mostly good people but they CAN walk all overr him if they want to.
    I am asking myself, is that what I want?
    I have had trouble with my boundaries too, maybe a mirror, but I do not want to be dragged down….no.



  47.  #47Kim on March 12, 2015 at 6:40 am

    42, well not necessarily…you can feel loved by someone who zaps your energy, what about children or parents who are old and frail and ‘need’ us?
    Those are not mutually exclusive in my mind?



  48.  #48Lotus on March 12, 2015 at 6:41 am

    I have decided I want to start the date with a day trip to look forward to. That makes me feel excited. I am feeling anxious about the ease of starting with an evening together, and the coupley-ness of the morning getting ready to go out for the day.

    I want to enjoy the whole day with him and get to know him more, like a good old-fashioned day trip date. I want to take away the preluding intimate evening and just feel excited about him coming to pick me up in the morning, enjoy the little road trip together, and mooch about a new place and enjoy a little adventure together, somewhere new for both of us. yes that feels nice 🙂



  49.  #49Lotus on March 12, 2015 at 6:46 am

    Indigo – I’m delighted for you, it’s really nice to read about how D is coming towards you more and more, and how you are becoming more comfortable in your own siren self. New horizons are on shore and the view is shifting for you. Mmmm, I feel soothed by your story.



  50.  #50Labbit on March 12, 2015 at 6:51 am

    What a whirlwind the last few days have been. So much healing going on inside of me right now. I’ll start with last night, which went great! I had not contacted TenderCD since our ornery date on Sunday nor had he contacted me. I was very interested to see how things would go when we saw each other, though I felt very good (and a little nervous but I am always nervous before parties) so I had a feeling things would be fine.

    And they were. Better than fine — they were awesome! TenderCD’s company was hosting a party for clients and perspective clients, with partners and spouses there to lend support. When I walked in TenderCD made a beeline for me, scooped me up in his arms and gave me a fantastic passionate kiss. It felt so good to be wrapped up with his hands around my waist as we chatted and caught up!

    We started off together making the rounds to say hello to the guests, and then when the moment seemed right and TenderCD and coworkers were schmoozing, I excused myself so he could work. When we parted, I made a commitment to myself not to put any energy on him. I wanted to relax and have fun! I practiced leaning back and opening up, placing myself in the middle of the floor with a drink yet my arms and body posture open. Hilariously, men were flocking to me all night. I didn’t believe it would happen but every time I was standing by myself, within 30 seconds one or two men would come over to chat me up. When my drink was empty a man would offer to get me a new one; when I was feeling tired of standing in my heels a man seemed to read my mind and offer me a chair.

    At some point TenderCD must have noticed because he came over to check on me and get me a fresh drink. You are quite popular with the men tonight, he told me. And I wanted to make a similar comment to him…but I realized I had no clue who he’d been talking to because I hadn’t been paying a lick of attention to him! When the party was over he and I reunited and last night he was so warm and affectionate and back to his usual self…I am sure all of you Sirens were right that said he probably just needed some alone time to reconnect to himself earlier this week, and I guess I probably did too. He told me he’d been thinking about me non-stop.

    We did chat a little about not talking the last couple of days, and TenderCD admitted that he’d felt a lot of nervous energy from me on Sunday, as he put it — weirdness I haven’t felt from you in months — and he said he purposely laid back to see what I’d do. That may sound mean but I actually appreciated it, because I do wanted to see what I’d do! He also complimented me, saying that his trust in me grew leaps and bounds that I didn’t chase after him or try to get him to see me.

    From our ornery date on Sunday until last night, I have been focusing on me big time. When my mind went to TenderCD, which was a LOT, I would just look for some other way that I could soothe myself, or make my world a little bigger, or look for a task that I needed to do that I was ignoring. Waves of anxiety came rolling forward and back at various points and when they did I would tell myself that this was all inside of me, that I loved this anxiety and the protection my mind was trying to give, even if it was misplaced. At first I was judging myself very harshly for feeling anxious — I feel like I should be ‘over this’ by now — yet I realize this may never go away totally, so I have to learn to live with it and not let it control me.

    Monday was extremely tough for me, more periods of anxiety and panic than steadiness. My mind kept bringing up things I read that supported the idea that TenderCD didn’t love me anymore — like how if I felt anxiety for more than 48 hours it was because he didn’t love me anymore, that he was standoffish on Sunday because he didn’t love me anymore, that this standoffishness always happens to me before big relationship milestones because he doesn’t love me anymore, that I could never make relationships work because he doesn’t love me anymore.

    I let these thoughts have space in my head but I didn’t give into them. It was SO HARD to not give in. I could feel myself cutting off from TenderCD’s loving energy, and at times I couldn’t feel his energy coming towards me at all and that REALLY freaked me out. So I kept steadily reassuring myself, keeping my energy on me, telling myself that with time I’d feel it again and even if I didn’t everything was going to be fine, I was going to be fine.

    I didn’t try to distract myself from how I was feeling, but I did make myself keep moving forward. I wanted to stay in bed but I made myself get up. I wanted to be dirty and starve myself but I made myself a nice healthy, breakfast, went for a run and took a shower. I wanted to think about TenderCD instead of doing my work but I found passion for my work projects and ended up having a very productive day on Monday! I wanted to go straight home and fret but I made myself go out to dinner with friends on Monday night and I even let myself HAVE FUN. I kept expanding my world…making myself and my life bigger. I couldn’t help but feel good!

    Then on Tuesday I went to see my parents. I love them so much and it’s really funny to see their relationship dynamics play out with my increased awareness. I told them what was going on, how Sunday had been very uncomfortable with TenderCD and how bad I was feeling, and my Dad told me about how the week before he proposed to my Mom he went (sorry if this offends anyone) deer hunting with friends and didn’t tell her where he was or when he was coming back; that he just needed one last week of manly man time before he dove in completely with Mom. And Mom talked about trying to play it cool but freaking out the whole time because she was sure he was dead, LOL.

    By Wednesday morning I was feeling like a pro. Although the anxiety and panic would still rush forth, I felt like I had a better grasp of what was going on inside of me, and I felt more love for myself than I have in a long time. In an odd way I am so happy that I had a few days to really dig into this rejection/abandonment trigger (though I would gladly NOT work on it ever again if I don’t have to, haha). In the past, by three days of no contact I would have been completely freaked out and sure that TenderCD and I were over…texting him or calling him constantly, worrying every second and spiraling down and out of control. It was so nice to wake up, feel minor pangs of anxiety for about 30 minutes, and then get on with my day. And feel happy! I got my nails, hair and makeup done for the party and never assumed that anything but good things were waiting for me at the party.

    This morning when we woke up TenderCD said, I love you. He’s said it to me so many times before but this time I felt it more deeply in my heart than I ever have before. I am so proud of both of us right now. I feel like we are headed towards a lovely harmony.



  51.  #51Kim on March 12, 2015 at 6:54 am

    Unfortunately for some reason he has this attitude that all alpha males are a-holes…because he had a strong/harsh father. So now he equates ‘nice’ with having no boundaries and being walked all over…and he can’t say ‘no’.
    This is a problem for me.
    Cause it means I have had to occasionally wait for him for hours (he can never leave the office on time, someone always needs something from him), or had plans canceled, or have been dumped for a weekend when it was important to me. So yes, he is a lovely man and he has many lovely lovely qualities, but this grinds.
    I find it hard to trust a man with minimal or no boundaries.
    Well, my father left the family because he had an affair with someonewho threatened suicide.
    And he asked my mother ‘what should I do?’….ok, their marriage was already not the best, obviously, since he had an affair….but he just left because he got bullied into it.
    He had and still has no boundaries and is now stuck in a totally co-dependent relationship.
    MoM told me for years with his ex he felt like he was being taken advantage of, he paid for everything, their rent, bills, her car…when she started having a great job she would still not contribute….he asked but nothing….
    This is the same ex who he still has no boundaries with.
    So he doesn’t see it….and I am not a psychologist, but I know one thing, this is hard to deal with.
    For sure my issues too….I find it tough to trust a ‘weak’ man (see my family history)1



  52.  #52Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Kim can’t you see how judgemental your words towards him are?

    Mind you I am not saying he was right in his actions. All I am saying is that he made a choice and he had his reasons. Is it being respectful describing it as fools errands? Do you think in the long run you will be able to respect him enough to have a working expanding relationship with him? What was your motivation to agree to this relationship in the first place?

    Bring it all back to you.



  53.  #53Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 6:59 am

    Well Kim I have learned from another relationship coach that without boundaries a man cannot commit. I have seen it myself and I do believe that. It takes a mature man to have boundaries. I encourage you to ask yourself why you agreed to have a relationship with someone who has no boundaries. This is about taking 100% responsibility for what you create in your own life.

    I wonder what Labbit would say?



  54.  #54Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:04 am

    Kim I wonder what needs you are fulfilling for him?

    It seems from what you are writing that he has clearly chosen a role in life, a persona that he wants to live as. Maybe he is attracted to you because he is a slacker and you seem to have your life together? Maybe he needs someone who gives him a sense that he has his shi!!t together?

    I would love to know why he is in this relationship and what it means to him.



  55.  #55Indigo on March 12, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Azure Blu 32,

    Yay for learning Italian, learning to play golf, ballroom dancing and volunteer work! This all sounds amazing and so yummy!!



  56.  #56Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Oh Labbit!!! Such a refreshing read.



  57.  #57Indigo on March 12, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Lotus 47,

    Thank you 🙂 and I just wanted to remind you, as far as your date with Mr Am, it is perfectly ok and actually a really good idea to take it slow. You have every right. One does not simply get over a marriage overnight.



  58.  #58Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:11 am

    RE 45 we don’t always feel love. At least not me. I feel love, especially from the old parents only because I decide it is love coming towards me. For the most part I feel like running away.



  59.  #59Kim on March 12, 2015 at 7:16 am

    Just for the record, he is not supposed to ‘rescue’ me. I own my property outright and he has nothing to my name, this was a deal whereby he would pay me some rent (and still pay less than half of what he pays now)….and we would be together, no more driving etc. Hardly him rescuing me lol.
    I can go back to Europe and sell up/rent any day.
    I don’t need rescuing…by anyone.



  60.  #60Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:16 am

    RE 40 – What does this say about your level of commitment to the relationship and boundaries?

    Will you choose to walk away when challenges arise?

    Can you revisit your commitment with him and discuss where is this going before stomping off to take some other man’s arm?



  61.  #61Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:17 am

    So Kim is this a business deal or a romantic relationship?



  62.  #62Kim on March 12, 2015 at 7:22 am

    *to his name*



  63.  #63Kim on March 12, 2015 at 7:23 am

    59 he asked me to move in with him first, and rent out my place….then we decided to move into my pad on the beach, why a business deal?
    Do you not discuss money/rent in your relationships?



  64.  #64Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Men tend to want to want to take the responsibility regardless is what my experience is.



  65.  #65Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Him paying you rent kinda makes it feel like a business deal to me. I’d feel more comfortable if he takes over the full payment. That would make me feel cared for.



  66.  #66Kim on March 12, 2015 at 7:35 am

    58 those would be relevant points if he was in front of me right now, nut he is not.
    This man knows how I operate. We have had discussions about how I feel when plans get made, cancelled or half cancelled and I waste a day waiting for something that doesn’t happen. I wasted three days and he actually reneged on a ‘commitment’ we had.
    I don’t intend waiting him out another weekend, no.
    Why should I sit at home waiting for him to contact me?
    Not only would I feel needy and annoyed, sad and lonely, probably also angry if he didn’t show up?
    No.
    I would rather go to the Keys and have fun and up my value by being happy and sunshiney me…not mopey because a man doesn’t do what I want him to.



  67.  #67Kim on March 12, 2015 at 7:39 am

    Well that was just a practical decision because all bills are in my name anyway and I am not changing that as it is my property.
    Incidentally, he never brought anything up about that either.
    Like what he wants to pay or not…he never led any conversation around this and to date, nothing has happened. So, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it….right now it is my place and I have full responsibility and he is not in front of me…I can’t keep thinking about things that, at this rate, may never happen…lol…
    🙂



  68.  #68Kim on March 12, 2015 at 7:45 am

    If I am being honest, and I have to stop here, cause I have more important stuff to do, this whole move-in thing feels a lot like appeasing me because he knows I want to get married (generally)….so he is able to move (maybe) but that’s it.
    I am not sure whether the chicken was there before the egg, i e whether I feel frustrated with his not so adult relationship behaviour because he has not ‘sealed the deal’ or whether he hasn’t sealed the deal because I am starting to feel frustrated.
    I like to believe the former, with him having been in a 12 year relationship and never even engaged. And with him wanting to buy a house for years and never even having looked at a single one. I see the hesitancy about everything…and all the other great qualities are great but sometime a man, a woman, just have to make decisions. And I can respect that in a man, to make a decision….this weekend, even with the smallest of things, no decisions were made…
    Wow, it can leave me feel utterly frustrated and irritated.
    It is getting to the point that I doubt I want the ring…and of course he picks up on that and guess what, that is even more of an excuse to delay and not make a decision…fear, fear, fear.
    Love and fear don’t mix.



  69.  #69Labbit on March 12, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Indigo I am loving your updates from your dates with D. I feel very soothed and also intrigued hearing about your experiments, progress, challenges and such. Gemini Goddess I feel the same kindred spirit with you too! I feel like we are in similar portions of our journeys right now and I just want to say that the openness you two have in sharing inspires me! I feel more normal and human reading about what is going on in your lives. 🙂 Thank you for sharing.

    (((((Sophie))))) (((((lovetodance))))) — sending you both lots of love! Sophie I feel motivated by your unfolding experiences in this new land you’ve brought yourself to. I know that there are challenges but I see you handling them with aplomb and I think you have a strong head and heart!

    33 Azure Blu — What a cool list of activities you have planned!! I took Italian in high school and loved it (I remember very little now). I do think that treating ourselves to new experiences outside of our normal life is always a good thing and anything that brings more happiness in is good too. I am glad to hear that your CD’ing is going well too — building up those Siren muscles even in those moments when things may feel boring or repetitive. Just telling the Universe all the details it needs to know about the great forever man to send to you!

    46 Lotus — I feel delighted that you decided to give yourself the overnight trip!! I have never been married but I have been engaged before and I can remember the deep sadness I felt when things were ending with my fiance. But sadness is no reason to stop living your life, and you deserve every happiness. Wishing you a wonderful time!!!

    I also just want to say a huge thank you to everyone on Siren Island. One of the things that galvanized me these last few days was knowing that if I felt like I was truly falling apart I could come here, share how I felt and get excellent advice and feedback. I felt the spirit of you with me as I’ve been working through my triggers and it makes me feel all warm and taken care of! Dominique thanks to you especially, your coaching has helped me so much. I felt like a little fledgling birdie — I wanted to see if I could jump out of the nest and fly a little bit by myself. Now I’m back in the nest rebuilding my energy and restoring myself, and next time I’ll be able to fly a little further. 🙂 I’m aiming for a pleasant mix of self-confidence and the reassurance of knowing there is a community to support me, that I support too!



  70.  #70Indigo on March 12, 2015 at 8:40 am

    Labbit 67,

    I feel the same way about you!

    I’m so glad you shared what you did in #48 because not only do we get to share your blissful experiences with Tender, but it is very comforting when you share your internal struggles with us. It’s hard to go through, but I believe that is where wisdom comes from.



  71.  #71Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Thank you Sirens for the vote of confidence as I break out of my comfort zones…

    I have rollerbladded for years (15) have not found anyone to enjoy this with since my children are grown…
    a solatary exercise… :-/

    I feel I am in need of activities that get me around a NEW group of people and yet are active as I do love to MOVE!!!

    I have a nice group of women whom I do Girlz Night with… they have been my rock in hard times adn good!!!…
    BUT sitting around drinking in Spring and Summer does seem boring now… and not where I want to spend my $$$
    Maybe once or twice a month will be fine…
    My first Tango lesson is next Wed.!!!



  72.  #72Bopa on March 12, 2015 at 8:51 am

    Sometimes I see priorities are crooked. It feels refreshing not to feel triggered and just feeling amused. I’ve seen this phrase several times in days past “To make other people feel comfortable.”
    How is that even done?
    I say that even the massage therapist in all her glory can not guarantee *making* someone feel comfortable.
    She can knead and ply all she wants but if someone is simply wired up-tight and even if they SEEM comfortable, there is no guarantee that they are comfortable. Even if they ARE comfortable it could be that they are completely responsible for their being in such a state. They worked to unwind themselves and relax and enjoy.
    I admit I feel suspicious now of anyone who openly makes it their duty to make others feel comfortable. I know i’m looking at this from the inside out. It’s not even important in my immediate life.
    I feel curious now why this is even showing up for me.
    My kneejerk thought is that I have ventured too far in th opposite direction. In some roundabout way i’m being told that it’s OK, that it’s safe to back track a little. To let go of my suspicion and embrace a goodness that has no ulterior motivation.

    Within my relationship I noticed last night that I randomly said in my head “I feel smothered.” And only after I heard myself say that did I notice I DID feel that way. It’s some vague inward pressure and an urge to go do something by me, for me. So I have cultivated an inner self that notices my own truths before I do consciously. She will even speak up! Which is so cool!
    So I feel very excited for saturday. I’ll be off being an aspect of myself that I really dig. I’ll pick up one of my favorite tools and use it to catch moments like butterflies. 🙂 I wonder if it will fit into my hand as if it hasn’t been a year since I held it.
    It will feel thrilling regardless. I know it!



  73.  #73Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Indigo & Labbit…
    Yes, so helpful to hear how to shine the light on ME…
    When I start picking on my man…
    within a blossoming successful relationship…

    To hear about your struggles and breakthroughs IS SOoooo helpful for me to read…
    Cause I seem to be able to only make it through 3 months and then my FEAR of intimacy drives ME to runnnnnnnnn…
    Ahhhh… i LOVE MY Fear… so wanting to protect me…
    Thank you fear… for your tender loving care!!!
    I slather you with love and listen to your song..
    But, Hey…. I got this… together we can stretch out
    those INTICMACY muscles!!!



  74.  #74Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 8:59 am

    Oh Azure those activities are making me feeling so much longing for my active life. I overdid it on a treadclimber machine for years so now I have wear and tear in my right hip. Limping around with pain for the most part and trying all kinds of supplements because I don’t want to do hip replacement at my young age. I did rollerblading class only a few years ago and I had to give up my dance class because of the constant pain.



  75.  #75Indigo on March 12, 2015 at 9:01 am

    Kim,

    There were some thoughts which came up for me when I was reading your and Feminine Woman’s exchange.

    D is also a HUGE homebody. I mean, he will go out places, but when *he* feels like it. At first this was something I really appreciated about him because my previous boyfriends had been more “go go” than me. But then there was a time when it annoyed me somewhat. I am more of a going out person than he is – I am a bit more keen to travel, go to art galleries, try new experiences etc. and for a while my mind filled with horrible judgmental thoughts about his unwillingness to do those things. Eventually, I was able to step back and look at the relationship in a more holistic way. I decided that we did not need to be all things to each other. I decided to embrace what he was willing to do, and for the rest, take myself off to these places or experiences, or go with a friend. With even more time, I was able to cultivate a sense of acceptance and tenderness for the way he is, and not require him to change. This was all because I truly loved him, and wanted the relationship, because it made me happy enough overall. As I have done this, so he can feel my acceptance of him and he has made more of an effort for me. He is more likely than ever to do something that I ask.

    But what I did realise over the last few months is that it is no good being with a man you cannot respect. If you are in a relationship with a man, you have to respect him – the things he has to say, the way he does things. It doesn’t mean going along with the way he does things if that is not you, sometimes it is respecting him enough to say, you are perfectly welcome to do whatever it is you do (such as spending the weekend with his sister), but I am going to be doing something else, somewhere else. I just feel strongly it’s important we don’t disapprove of our men or disrespect their choices. In my case, once I had made the decision to respect D, I found there was lots that I could respect, and I started to see him with much more tenderness. And this in turn made him want to try for me.

    D has for example an old friend who lives in another city who comes to visit for a weekend about twice a year. I cannot stand being around this friend. He’s not a horrible person, I just find him extremely hyper and exhausting and so I choose to absent myself when he visits. This person for whatever reason is important to D and I just really don’t like being around the two of them together, it doesn’t gel with me at all, so I spend the weekend doing something else.

    Kim, would it not be empowering for you to plan for his sister’s visits ahead of time and tell him with a smile that all the lazing around frustrates you so you’d rather make other plans? That way you are not putting yourself at the mercy of his making plans when you know he has a tendency to be flaky when she is around. If you want this relationship, that is what I would do. But you are starting to sound like maybe you don’t want it?



  76.  #76Indigo on March 12, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Azure Blu 73,

    Those fears did not spring up over night and they will not disappear over night… in my case it has taken years. I believe we have to treat ourselves – and our partners! they are working through their fears too! – with such tenderness and patience.



  77.  #77April Rose on March 12, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Azure Blu,

    How about para-gliding????!!



  78.  #78Kim on March 12, 2015 at 10:05 am

    Indigo, yes I joked already (to myself) that I will go for a weekend in the Bahamas when she comes next, just remember that it was their suggestion and planning to do something with ME…lol…and then dropping me for midnight baking and zombie shows, so this is where my frustration is coming from. I am no longer frustrated, I have actually been enjoying my alone time, got a lot done and I am not missing him in the least lol.
    But it’s ok….because in all honesty, I would rather not be there…in other news he has said that in the future (because she is financially unstable) he might end up bringing her to live with him. I dare not even mention this, because that would be it for me for sure.
    When she comes down here, we have to eat vegan the whole time (she comes to stay at his place, and he clears his whole fridge and whinges to me how after three days he is fed up – again no boundaries) and this and that…and to think that in my own house later in life I would be subjected to someone elses rules, or maybe less annoyingly, but still unacceptable, someone elses disapporiving comments and looks just because I like to eat meat sometimes, uhmm…OMg. Just thinking about this…
    I am very much a live and let live person.
    In my house, I do what I want…respectfully but I still do what I want. If I think in the future, in my own house….I may not be able to….
    That is definitely something that would hang over my head for a future old age with him. Never mind the fact that I can deal with pushing one person along to do things….but to think I am 65 years old…he is 70 and sleeping till midday and then watching zombie shows with his sister OmG LOL….ok, this is sounding extreme but it could happen lol



  79.  #79Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 10:35 am

    FW #74
    Gee… I feel so sad that your injury is causing so much pain and leading to a more sedintary lifestyle than you want… I can see you are looking for solutions.



  80.  #80Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Indigo #75
    Wow… very profound… and something I know I struggle with…
    I think i become disrespectful as I get more emotionally intimate with a man…
    My picking on him and finding things to make sure I don’t get close…
    My armor is NOT respecting his thoughts, lifestyle, friends, family… whatever I can find…
    Yes… thank you for showing me this!!!



  81.  #81Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 10:41 am

    April Rose!!!
    Para gliding… Wow… talk about getting OUT of my comfort zone…
    weeeeeee… :-))



  82.  #82Bopa on March 12, 2015 at 11:11 am

    Blahhh feeling so anxious. I have a new intention to check my voicemail more often. It feels boring and tedious so I don’t do it and then I miss things. But then I feel irresponsible and anxious. Which is even less pleasant! So silly.

    I have space…My partner went out. Feeling bored. Ohhhh but I have music set up in my living room now. :):):)
    A re-focus away from the tight center I feel latched onto in this moment. I’ll spread out into this huge expanse of space and
    Oh I just literally spaced out for 5 minutes. Seeing the view, feeling the cool breeze, hearing the sounds of the day bustling around me. 🙂 Perfect.



  83.  #83Bopa on March 12, 2015 at 11:12 am

    I love losing mytrain of thought. A connecting experience. Takes a girl right out of her head. Feels lije co-existing with everything.



  84.  #84Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Lotus #48
    This all sounds so lovely… It sounds as if you feel at peace with this
    and you are ready for some FUN!!!
    :-))



  85.  #85Azure Blu on March 12, 2015 at 11:31 am

    Bopa… ahhhh the joy of loosing my train of thought…
    Sometimes I exhaust myself
    with soooo many trains of thought!!
    :->



  86.  #86Labbit on March 12, 2015 at 2:35 pm

    43 Femininewoman — I am so taken by everything you’ve said here! I love the airplane analogy…it rings so true to me. I know you mentioned me specifically a bit further down, but I can’t imagine adding more useful than what you and Indigo have already said. 🙂

    80 Azure Blu — I can think of so many times in my history where I was that way too, where my brain would just find ANYTHING in a man to annoy me so I could keep myself from getting close. Now I just laugh about it…I think of Seinfeld and how the characters on that show would come up with the funniest, most ridiculous little things as a reason NOT to form more than a superficial relationship with someone they were dating. If it’s been a running gag on a sitcom it MUST be a pretty common issue among all humans, right? No sense in feeling ashamed or guilty about it.

    Even last night with so much progress I feel I’ve made, I did notice myself with a couple of old behaviors popping up. When TenderCD and I were first catching up he whispered in my ear that he was hoping at least 50 more people would show up to the party…the room was not very crowded when I first arrived and I was 30 minutes fashionably late. Although I was in no way responsible for planning the party I felt myself seize up with tension for a few moments as though I wanted to make it MY problem to fix. How silly is that??! Luckily I caught it and was like, Whoa, Labbit, not your problem to fix! He just wants to be heard. And more people did show up, at least 100 more, so all was fine.

    And a few times when I was chatting with men, I noticed that I stepped on them to interject my own opinion or story about whatever we were talking about, at one point I caught it because I started feeling very masculine and competitive. I breathed through that one, put myself in lean-back position physically and seemed to settle back into my feminine energy quickly. By the way, those 30 seconds where I was standing around waiting curiously to see who would approach me next sometimes felt like FOREVER.

    We can beat ourselves up for these things or we can notice them and laugh about it. One of Rori’s e-books talks about taking the personality traits you most hate about yourself and flipping them, pretending it’s an alternate universe where those traits are the most PRIZED in women, so that we can relax around them and not worry about it so much. I love that idea so much! It’s been very helpful for me. It’s all a matter of perspective.



  87.  #87Femininewoman on March 12, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    From Hendricks The Power of Commitment

    GH: “A commitment is where you gather your resources and make a sincere promise to take all necessary steps to get there. With an affirmation, there’s a thought about a positive future, but you really need a commitment to doing what needs to be done in order to get there. A lot of time what happens is, like the Columbus example, everybody gets scared and starts looking for someone to blame. That’s why on ships, they lock up the guns and the liquor — only the Captain has the key! I liken commitment to an automatic pilot on an airplane. It’s the re-commitment after you’ve drifted off that’s important.

    SH: Sounds a lot like sailing; you’re constantly adjusting towards the horizon.

    GH: Yes. Say you’re flying from New York to Los Angeles. The pilot sets it in New York and then it’s always drifting off on it’s way to L.A. It’s like, okay were drifting a little to the right; let’s make a correction to the left. It gets you to LA by being mostly wrong.”



  88.  #88Gemini Goddess on March 12, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Awe shucks, Labbit. You kind of made my day. 🙂 I always look forward to what you have to say. It is always useful to me. I feel a heck of a lot more normal too, hearing your internal “stuff”. It inspires me to be more open.

    Azure Blu
    Too bad we don’t live in the same city. I’d roller blade with you! I have been doing it for 20 years, and now have the luxury of small kids to take along. (Who think it’s SO cool!) E… anch’io parlo italiano. Ho imparato da grande, e adesso leggo libri in lingua italiana con un gruppo di amici il martedi. C’e lo farai!

    Indigo 30
    LOVE this…

    “there is a vibrancy to our relationship that I’ve never experienced before, an aliveness. Even when we’re just doing something very ordinary like making dinner or chilling out at home, it’s like the air around us sings with aliveness – there is always laughter and a sense of being totally vibrant, whilst also being at peace.”

    What a description. It inspires me to write D a quick note telling him I feel exactly this way. Our pace has become SO comfortable, yet so, SO vibrant. You inspire me, siren!

    To all
    I love this place to challenge my “authenticity” muscles. Being raw and honest is NOT easy. It’s incredible vulnerability training, and putting it into writing and getting feedback increasing the processing exponentially. Participating here, and following everyone else’s trials has been absolutely amazing. Hugs to everyone. Drink are on the house!

    In fact, I encourage whoever is reading along, and not sure if they want to throw their hat in the ring to just do it!

    XXOO



  89.  #89Lovergirl on March 12, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Well, I went out with the guy who had originally suggested a house date. He treated me to a very nice restaurant for dinner. I saw the tab ($118) and he paid. 😉 It was a beautiful night and we ate on the patio, then took a stroll around the high end shopping district that the restaurant is located in. We held hands and took a couple pictures together (his suggestion). He kissed me just a little, no tongue or anything like that.

    He did TALK about sexual things quite a bit, but he also invited me out tonight to a movie and I don’t intend to go back to his place. I felt myself enjoying his company more this time.

    At the same time it made me feel a little more resentful towards “S”. I was thinking about how weird he is about not wanting to hold hands and be “romantic”. Sorry S, but this other guy is showing you up 😉

    He also kind of made me mad last night when I got back. He texted saying he didn’t need me to work today, and he had told me earlier in the week that he did. That puts me out of money that I was expecting to have. He had texted me several times during the day asking me to do little things for him and to write up a draft of an advertisement for a service he is providing.

    So I was like are you going to pay me for the draft and the other little things then, since you don’t want me to come over? He acted like I was being silly “it’s just a DRAFT” and those things didn’t take much effort at all.

    I told him hey, if you aren’t going to pay me, please don’t ask me to do “little things” for you. I said if its so little that he doesn’t feel the need to pay me, he can do it himself and not expect me to be at his beck and call. He kind of backed down and agreed not to ask anymore, plus sent the money via paypal, but I am still annoyed.

    I said I feel undervalued and unappreciated and like I am being taken advantage of. He was like “sorry to hear that” and neither of us texted again. Haven’t heard from him today.



  90.  #90Tereana on March 12, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Hi! As always, I love reading everyone’s posts – and Rori’s. So much resonates with me. Too much to comment of all of it.

    And right now, I just need some space to write out and process my thoughts….

    So a few things have come up for me recently.

    1. I’ve noticed with full force how incredibly sensitive to criticism I am. In my mind, I can “take it” – even appreciate “constructive criticism.” But in reality, I can’t. Not even a little. I can’t even take it when something *resembles* criticism, or might imply the thought of possible criticism. I’ll tense up, tune the person out, and/or start arguing with them, defending myself from the “attack,” and trying to disqualify everything they say. And I might not even be listening to them. I might be too preoccupied with the fear of their critical comments that I don’t even hear what they are telling me. And right now, I am just observing this phenomenon; noticing it without judgment. I’m getting curious about it, without asking “why?” And not forcing myself to change. But knowing this is something that *can* change.

    2. I noticed also that I have an overwhelming need for “forgiveness” that can never really be filled. I don’t know what I did wrong that I need to be forgiven for. I don’t necessarily actually believe I *can* be forgiven. And I try to seek out “forgiveness” for things that aren’t my fault. Overall, it’s a futile enterprise.

    3. I met a man! And I love this person. I truly do, and I’m not afraid to say it. And there are some challenges. Nothing is perfect. But I feel perfect around him. Who knows how long it will last. I am enjoying the moments I have.

    And I had a funny thought today – it reminded me of Rori. And I had it when I read an email about dating. The sentence started, “How to make a man feel crazy about you.” And the answer I thought of was, step 1: be a woman.

    And that’s it! Lol

    That’s all we have to do – be women. There is literally nothing else To do. Just because we are women, men will feel crazy and fall in love. I think that’s Rori’s answer. That’s what I’m going with.

    Ok, end of thoughts. I’m going to finish my nap now…



  91.  #91Tereana on March 12, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Lover girl – I don’t knkw the whole story, but if you are going on dates with S, maybe it’s not a great idea to be working for him also. It puts you in “masculine energy,” and shifts the flow of energy. Plus, I’m sure there is a good reason for the saying – “Don’t mix business with pleasure”….



  92.  #92Gemini Goddess on March 12, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Lovergirl 89

    Wow! A nice dinner sure trumps carry-out! You are absolutely worth it. Way to go.

    Regarding the movie (follow-up date), if it were me I’d be busy tonight…in a nice way. “Had such a wonderful time last night. You made me feel like a princess. Really looking forward to seeing you again. About tonight, I forgot I had to… Can I take a rain check?” I’d make him plan in advance.

    Regardless of where it goes with this guy, it’s great practice for you to slow things down. You deserve it.

    XXOO



  93.  #93Lotus on March 12, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Indigo, Labbit and Azure Blu – thank you! 🙂
    Yes I’m having some fun! Time to kick back and not worry so much.



  94.  #94Silver-Tongued Siren on March 12, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    Indigo! 30 –

    Yes this is how I’ve always felt with MILW. We’ve had some bad times but we’ve had the most WONDERFUL times as well.

    When things are good, they are very very good, they are perfect. We have had a similar situation to yours where all of our issues came up very strongly and immediately.

    While that was going on we also went through many MAJOR life events immediately as well as a lack of communication and other skills, and addictive issues as well, all of which magnified the visibility of areas of healing we needed to deal with. I could tell you all the major events we went through but it would take a while. Lets just say the stress level must have been 10X the red line at times. And equally joyous.

    But always, we’ve done things I really enjoy, we’re very social, lively, playful, and despite our knock down drag out arguments, I feel safer with him knowing that he will DO whatever he wants, SAY whatever he wants.. rather than being with someone who is nicer, more passive, or more passive aggressive, and does not COMMUNICATE with me and tell me what they are THINKING. Even if he is only really telling me half the time, it’s FAR better than someone who I have to guess at. That just makes me anxious.
    There is just ALIVEness. He is very social, alive, springy, energetic, especially for his age, and we are both unique, adventurous, curious, always learning new things, artistic — so we have a lot of fun.

    The worst times have been when he is in a bipolar episode, but it’s been worth it.

    I would rather live this over a thousand times with all the joy and all the pain than ever be with anyone who wasn’t passionate, full of life, adventurous. Someone who was satisfied with mediocre things, never wants to do something new, plays it safe, isn’t painfully honest even half the time.



  95.  #95Silver-Tongued Siren on March 12, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    Kim, you seem right on. Noticing his lack of boundaries and responding to it well.
    Yes I would not be able to handle that- (highlight of the day sleeping in and watching tv). That would drive me crazy.
    I want to ask, if he is not always like this, what is causing him to be like this right now? If this is how it always is, it would be a deal breaker for me, without other MAJOR contributions. Stimulation is important –

    It has been determined that couples are more likely to stay together who do more “exciting” things, than “pleasant” things (like dinners, movies).



  96.  #96Silver-Tongued Siren on March 12, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    FeminineWoman
    I just want to say that I always love your posts! I most often feel you are right on and always feel informed by your posts full of good info. You always have a very good approach.



  97.  #97Tereana on March 13, 2015 at 5:43 am

    So it’s been a few days since I’ve talked to India (that will be my name for him, since he’s currently in India). I’ve been leading a lot, so I feel like taking a step back to let him reach out to me. There is a little uncertainty. Because what if he doesn’t? What if he never reaches back to talk to me? What if he never comes back from India? What if his parents set him up with someone else? Anything could happen.

    But I feel strangely like – so what? If I never hear from him again, my life will continue. If he never comes back, there will be someone else to love.

    At least I have no regrets. I spent as much time with him as I could while he was here. I’ve let him talk to me and love me. And also, when I was feeling the most anxious, it was because I realized that I was feeling love in my heart and not expressing it. I was waiting for him to “go first.” So I stopped waiting. I went for it and I said it.

    And that’s partly also why I want to step back – to let him come toward me a little more. To let him feel. And to take the pressure off. No matter what happens, I still love him. And that feels the best.

    I have a nice weekend scheduled. Lots of visiting with family and a massage scheduled for myself. And I’ve earned all of it.



  98.  #98Mistea1 on March 13, 2015 at 6:16 am

    STS 94,
    Yes, I like what you say. I like the feeling of variety and vitality this brings to a rel.



  99.  #99Azure Blu on March 13, 2015 at 8:36 am

    GG #88
    Ohhh… multo bene!
    I lived in Italy for 3 years when I was young…
    I learned to speak Italian fluently and our whole family fell in love with the italians!! But I haven’t studied since… Everyone says it will come back quickly!
    I did understand some of what you wrote…
    That you meet with a group of friends on Tues. and read Italian? What does this mean? C’e lo farai!



  100.  #100Lovergirl on March 13, 2015 at 8:50 am

    @91 Tereana-

    Yeah, our whole situation is kind of complicated. Working for him is very helpful for me so I’m not willing to give it up just yet and I know it is a good deal for him too. Anyway, right now we aren’t dating or even doing anything together as “friends”. Its been over a month since we had sex. I would still like for that to change, but in the meantime I am dating others.

    As far as being in my masculine energy, maybe a little bit. Still, with him being the “boss” and me doing work for him, its usually not a big issue. I mostly just do what he says and he likes that, lol.



  101.  #101Lovergirl on March 13, 2015 at 9:09 am

    @92 Gemini Goddess-

    I didn’t even think of postponing the date. He asked during dinner the night before. He has asked me out again for Sunday evening (he has his daughter over the weekend and is spending time with her). Maybe I will wiggle my way out of that. I have already seen him for 3 dates and he is definitely moving towards wanting to have sex, lol. Not that I’m that opposed or anything, just its nice to enjoy the dates and anticipation a bit.

    We went to the movie last night. It was Run All Night (very intense movie!) and in a theater with comfy, reclining seats. Then he took me to a nice Sushi restaurant, where we sat at the bar and had a few martinis and appetizers. He was quite the gentleman and loaned me his jacket to wear in the slightly cool night air (I’m tiny compared to him, so it was huge lol). He has offered to pick me up at my house for each date, but I declined (mainly because I don’t like men to know where I live/meet my children too early).

    Anyway, it was lovely and I am enjoying his company more. I feel slightly annoyed with some of his texts, like asking if I dreamt about him at night (eyeroll) but in person he is fun.

    It was close to midnight when we left the sushi bar (the movie started at 8). Meanwhile, at about 10:45, S had called me. I returned his call over an hour later and he said that he had been planning to ask me over the next day, but “changed his mind” and he “doesn’t want to do it anymore”. I am not sure if it was for work or personal purposes but I just said okay and we hung up.

    I suspect he was upset at me taking so long to return his phone call but I am trying not to worry about his feelings. He has seemed agitated in the past when I have taken over 20 minutes to call back and would say “nevermind”. I’m sure he was imagining the worst and me sleeping with another man because it was so late and he does tend to struggle with being a bit jealous.

    I keep reminding myself that he is certainly in no position to expect me to be waiting around for him.



  102.  #102Silver-Tongued Siren on March 13, 2015 at 9:39 am

    (wrote this last night)
    I just feel like spending a while here.. I am absolutely exhausted, sleepy.. today is the first day in a bit that I didn’t work, and my sister and her husband and kids are visiting this week – I won’t see them again til August or later, so I wanted to spend time with them when they are around also.

    So I haven’t gotten much packing and moving things done. I have a house full of stuff. I have not been at home for a while, I am elsewhere and have gotten rid of a storage with no place to put it all..

    I am moving within 2 weeks, to a place not yet known or secured, and am moving all the belongings I can fit into my friend’s outdoor storage area.. I feel uncomfortable doing that because of my things being exposed to bugs and animals and weather, but I have no better option for now. I have also learned that I often try too hard to do the BEST or make the PERFECT decision or wait for just the RIGHT time, and I have learned that sometimes I just have to make *A* decision, and get things done faster, and I can always come back and change them.
    MILW & I’s trailer got stolen, and with arranging childcare and finding anyone who can help me move a lot of heavy boxes and HEAVY furniture so far, before the end of the month, (AND trying to move, in a place where rent and availability is inflated and scarce, while I also have no money), seems very overwhelming. I did negotiate a raise with one of my clients, however, which will help a little!

    I have not been home for a while now, and MILW (my very long term partner and children’s other dad) and I have not slept together for a while now, due to his behavior from current bipolar episode, and my being away from home). I have also been helping a relative who needed constant care, but they have passed away several months ago. So I had a temporary space there that I could go to, which I am now leaving.

    Avocado said he “doesn’t know how he feels” about getting a place together. He said I could stay with him (in his apartment with a roommate). I told him I feel hesitant unless we’re really going to DO this together. (be together). And if we are, I will not turn down small beginnings, but I feel it would be better to have our own place. Neither of us can afford much right now.
    He also seems hesitant, relationship wise – despite getting closer and closer to me, — even despite me saying earlier (before I was having to move) “let’s make a home together”, and telling him I want to be with a partner who wants to be a partner all the time, and i’d like if that were him of course, that I’d like to really do this. …

    so he keeps getting closer and spending more time, and being open and vulnerable and MUCH different than the coldness that has happened during court a few years ago- much warmer, and we are also having sex. but still not fully moving forward – (not asking me to go places on the weekends,or else, (if I ask), agreeing to go, or saying maybe, and seeming like he wants to go, but not making a firm YES or confirming, or backing out at the last minute?…

    I know part of it must be because of a girl he had been seeing.. YET, he offered me to stay with him, – and if he cared that much about it jeapordizing that, he wouldn’t have offered it to me.

    I sense that he DOES like being around me, but he hasn’t fully cut it off with her.

    I sense that it’s possible he can’t find the heart to do it, and doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy, and that since I NEED a place to stay, he can’t possibly not SUPPORT the mother of his child, so if there is any complaint, he is still the good guy and she is bad for suggesting anything otherwise.

    I sense that he WANTS this and this gives him a chance both to see HOW it will go with us, as well as a way out of that dating relationship, (without being the bad guy) when she gets angry about it.

    He did not say how long his lease/sublease is, how long I can stay, how much rent he would want me to pay, or anything like that.

    I am going to look at another place tomorrow, which is very tiny (but private, no roommate) and affordable. I am going to suggest we move there, (or a similar place if one comes up), or just stay in his apartment for a while until we can save up money for a better place.

    For the last week up until today I have been thinking I was pregnant with Avocado. (We already have one child together). I had not told him because I hadn’t gotten a test yet. I am not, as of today, but I am certain I was, as I was experiencing all the symptoms. My period was also late, and I am *never* late, always very exact. But, today, I finally started bleeding. I am sad, actually.



  103.  #103Gemini Goddess on March 13, 2015 at 10:29 am

    Azure Blu 99
    “C’e lo farai!” means “You can do it!”

    Three years, oh my! What a dream! I lived there on and off growing up as my father was in the military. My mom claims the very laws of physics are different there. I agree. 🙂



  104.  #104Gemini Goddess on March 13, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Lovergirl 101

    Your date sounds wonderful!

    And to this…
    “its nice to enjoy the dates and anticipation a bit.”
    …I agree.
    You are doing both of you a favor by heightening the experience. Guys LOVE this, and it’s so much more fun for everyone. They LIKE to display their tail feathers. Keep the dance going!

    As for the sex talk, my response to that kind of thing at this point would be… no response at all. Total crickets, or nicely change the subject. “What a beautiful sunset!” He may be clueless, or testing boundaries, which is totally fine, but give him the boundaries he’s looking for.

    Yay, you. 🙂



  105.  #105Mandy on March 19, 2015 at 5:37 am

    Thanks Indigo 🙂 I do appreciate it 😉



  106.  #106Sarah on April 1, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Hello Sirens,

    I’m feeling nervous because a guy at work has asked me out and it’s been 17 months since I’ve been on a date. I’ve used the Siren tools when I used to date in the past but I have a query. Jason has done all the initiating but he’s given his phone number and coaxed me to call him. He has been masculine in every other way but I know he’s supposed to ask me for my number..and I’m not supposed to initiate calls. He’s asked me to do this but isn’t this coaxing me to take on the masculine role? Should I give a speech about not being comfortable calling men? Or should I do it because he’s asked? What do you think? I would feel really appreciative of some guidance here…



  107.  #107Rori Raye on April 3, 2015 at 11:04 am

    Sarah and ALL – If he ASKS you to do something – HE’S INITIATING! Do what he asks! Take direction!!!!! If you resist – THEN you’re in the masculine energy place! Love, Rori



  108.  #108Tereana on April 6, 2015 at 5:29 am

    From Rori’s #107 – “if you resist, THEN you are in the masculine energy place.” I love this! I am going to make this the theme of my day…