Are You Doing What You WANT To Do?

Untitled design (14)

rori with seals nycSo much about love depends on how you feel about yourself.

If you can’t love yourself through anything and everything – it’s hard to convince a man you can love HIM through anything and everything.

And he needs to know you’ll love him no matter what.

So – YOU need to know that YOU will love YOU no matter what.

Sounds basic, simple, duh…

And yet – the activity know as “beating yourself up” is generally our very favorite one.

It seems to chase away the demons that gather whenever we feel we’ve made a mistake.

Confession and punishment seems to be the tried-and-true way most of us deal with “mistakes” and guilt.

We can’t seem to “wash our hands” of our errors, and we surely can’t seem to just “accept” things we’ve labelled as mistakes.

We flog ourselves.

If we don’t do it by being literally accident-prone, having allergic reactions, eating bad food, treating ourselves poorly in any way, under any excuse – we do it by “hiring” someone ELSE to punish us.

Usually a man.

Or – we let the fact that where we live makes meeting relationship-oriented men (New York City is often used as an example of this) become a reality by either buying that line, or staying “stuck” in that city.

Our work can become either the thing that brings the kind of men we want in our lives TO us – by being fulfilling and satisfying and soul-edifying WITHOUT taking up all the room, space, time and energy we have – OR it can be the thing that keeps relationship FROM us.

It can keep men away and push men away if:

Our work makes us feel anxious and tense all the time.

Urgency becomes so much a part of who we are – even yoga doesn’t help the stress.

We don’t have work we like.

We don’t get PAID well enough for our work to live well enough to feel safe and independent.

Self-Love happens in baby-steps. It happens through repetition.

If you practice it, it becomes part of “who you’re being…”

Think of it this way: We’ve been practicing – and practicing HARD – self intolerance, self-doubt, self-ignorance, self-dissing for our whole lives.

We can’t go anywhere, think anything, do anything, feel anything without questioning ourselves, double-examining ourselves, asking ourselves “why?”.

It’s time to start practicing new stuff:

Asking ourselves “What do I like…” “What feels good….”

Patting and petting and touching ourselves.

Re-assuring ourselves.

Being still and doing nothing.

Saying nice things to ourselves.

Hanging with folks who say nice things to us.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

Posted in

269 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 13, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Being still and doing nothing. Tough.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on June 13, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    The idea of self love and practicing it is so enticing to me these days. I look for opportunities to practice it. I find myself smiling and feeling happy most of the times now.



  3.  #3MovingMagic on June 13, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    I love that I feel centered internally. I love that I have had many opportunities where I didn’t feel centered at all. I love that I’ve floundered, shook, cried and obsessed my way to self acceptance. I love that I’ve been to those sticky, prickly places and understand that they’re not places that feel good to me.
    I love feeling what I feel and then grounding out in my truth.
    My truth is that nothing/no one is worth those thoughts. My truth is in my dance, flowers, trees, air, music, and love.
    My truth is in taking responsibility for these things.



  4.  #4Daria on June 13, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    I love me . babysteps

    im doing great

    i feel sad i took an invitation to a new gf’s house on saturday, when my plan was to stay at home and relax and enjoy myself…

    and i feel excited to share time with a new girlfriend

    i feel confused

    i feel pouty lips

    i dont want to cancel, i feel afraid and uncomfortable

    and i actually do want to go and hang out with her



  5.  #5Indigo on June 14, 2014 at 9:20 am

    I had my second market today (which went much better than the first), and whilst I was there one of the other traders, a man, came over and started making friendly conversation with me, very interested and asking polite questions about me, and generally just being warm and chatty.

    He rounded out the conversation by asking what my husband did for a living (“fishing” obviously, as I am single 🙂 ), what year I finished school (trying to figure out how old I am?) and offering his assistance if ever I should need it. After we finished our conversation he came back and handed me a flier with his number and asked me to call him if I needed help with anything. I don’t think it was a business enquiry as he is in pool maintenance and amongst all his other questions he didn’t even ask me if I had a pool, so I got the vibe that he was checking me out.

    Pity as he said he was 50 and I am 32, so I would generally consider this to be far too old for me. However, he didn’t look it and I found talking to him very easy and comfortable and interesting, and he was quite good looking for his age.

    I don’t know. I certainly am not going to call him but it made me ponder. Are these the men we think of as CD practicing?



  6.  #6Indigo on June 14, 2014 at 9:22 am

    I feel less bothered and less tense or “thinky” than ever about the flow of men in and out of my life at this stage.

    I just kinda lean back and observe, with anticipation, what happens next.



  7.  #7prplpsn28 on June 14, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    🙂



  8.  #8MovingMagic on June 14, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Yay Daria! I love that you’re listening to your own needs. 🙂

    I had a few invitations to go out dancing tonight but after tuning into my own needs I’ve chosen to stay home and re-energize. I’ve had quite a few new transitions take place recently and I’ve spent alot of timing in boy energy due to it.

    I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. Someone kind, loving, warm and compassionate. He’s a beautiful person inside and out. I feel like all of the inner work I’ve done has gotten me to a place of acceptance. The acceptance that I truly deserve that kind of energy in my life.
    I’m not dating other men (he fills up all of my free time, he calls, texts and lets me know how much he values me)…though I AM circular dating myself and the world.

    I feel…peaceful. I feel like my own best friend. There’s still things I work on constantly. ..but none of those things are about me in relation to men. It’s stopped being about that some time ago. Now it’s about me…in relation to me.

    Ahhh…how good it feels.



  9.  #9Azure Blu on June 15, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Indigo.
    Yay… I feel sunshiny and happy hearing how well your
    second market went!!

    To me it sounds like great cding with
    market man! “Leaning back and observing!”



  10.  #10Azure Blu on June 15, 2014 at 7:22 am

    Daria,
    How did your time with a new gf go?



  11.  #11Azure Blu on June 15, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Moving Magic,
    Siren…So happy for you…
    “I feel peacful… I feel like my own best friend”

    I feel warm and calm reading about the man you have been dating for the past few months…

    I too have been dating a kind, caring, generous man who is moving the relationship forward as I lean back and listen to MY needs.

    I agree that the RR tools have taken ME to a place of more acceptance and LOVE for ME…
    and so am much more attracted to this kind of man than I was before.
    Yay Us!! :->



  12.  #12Indigo on June 15, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Thank you Azure Blu 🙂 The main problem for me is my incredible shyness, and the fact that I am highly sensitive I battle with connections with new people. I’m actually quite a deep person and I put a lot of myself into creating deep, substantial, rich connections with those I am in relationships with, so sometimes CDing with others feels a little funny.



  13.  #13Tam on June 15, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    This is SO true. Really hits home.
    But how to feel more secure when job/life is uncertain, that is the real question. Does our life have to be ‘perfect’ to meet our man?
    Sigh.



  14.  #14Helena Hart on June 15, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Tam – 13 – Such a great question! I don’t believe everything in our lives has to be “perfect” to meet the right man – as long as you’re using your masculine energy for YOURSELF and your own life, rather than using it to “make something happen” in dating or relationships, or trying to find a man to “save” or “rescue” you and make everything right.

    I’ve also found that having a lot of love and compassion for yourself no matter what’s going on in your life is crucial for the right type of man to show up.

    Love, Helena



  15.  #15Tam on June 15, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    This is true Helena, thank you.
    I guess you didn’t know I recently dated a feminine man…lol..so the more complicated it is.
    It’s difficult to stay in feminine energy when he is trying to outgirl me and does zero to move the relationship forward.
    Anyway…



  16.  #16Helena Hart on June 15, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Tam – 15 – Interesting! Was he the type of man who was expecting you to be the one to move the relationship forward?

    Helena



  17.  #17Indigo on June 15, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    I just need to have a little vent here today.

    I fell asleep last night with this thought and it’s one that troubles me because I am not like this… do people only have value in our lives because of what they can “do” or provide for us, for how they can make us feel? Do people not have intrinsic value?

    Does there never come a point where a man can fall off the wagon and we say, this may not be exactly how I want to feel, but I love you anyway? I will not reject or abandon you simply because this is unpleasant or uncomfortable for me right now?

    I understand you don’t have to put up with things from men, or people, you’ve just met, but does there not come a point where your love, your loyalty, for a person becomes stronger than your consideration for your own interests where they are concerned? I’m not talking about violence or severe abuse, but I have recently become uncomfortable about the fact that people seem to be so easily disposable.

    Obviously you are not going to welcome everyone into your inner circle, and love is a special thing, but…

    The ease with which people walk away from each other often for what amounts to one mistake. Walk away and never look back. And the number of people who recommend that, the way it’s presented as the most noble of advice. The way people’s normal struggles and challenges are presented as red flags and things not to be tolerated. I wonder… would people want this same harshness for themselves? Or is it forgiveness for self and rejection for others?

    Thanks for letting me vent, sirens. One of the reasons I feel different from others is that when I choose to love, and yes a man included, it is for life. I can never turn my back on that person. And the casual ease with which people can block out a person who once meant a very great deal to them as if they never existed, disturbs me very much.

    Thanks. *rant over*



  18.  #18Tam on June 15, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Helena, yes. Basically, we already stopped dating a few times due to this issue and also the fact that he wants to keep his ex as a good friend, and this has caused problems as she needed him when we had a holiday planned and he dropped me. She needed him to feed cats, not a real emergency, i e someone in hospital.
    So two separate issues here. He never bfings up commitment of the future but seems to ‘assume’ all these things, i e whenever we had a rift due to his inability to mkve the relationship forward, he would say things like:
    ‘But of course I considered us in an exclusive committed relationship’
    ‘Of course I am only dating you, how could you even suspect otherwise’ yada yada.
    He never verbalises amything though.
    I know he ‘loves’ me but I am not sure it is enough as he does not seem to want or be able to verbalise the same kind of commitment I want for the future.
    And then he says I should bring things up and move things forward, as it should be 50/50 in a relationship.
    Well, he dated a masculine woman for 12 years and she still has him under her thumb (split up for 7 or 8 years), like a mummy. So I guess for him, the woman should move things forward.
    We just never got anywhere.
    In many respects the nicest guy I ever dated but we do not seem to be on the same page and whenever we have a bust up, he just stops communicating completely.
    I kind of let it all go, but it’s sad.



  19.  #19Tam on June 15, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    We are very compatible in many ways but I agree with Rori when she says all that doesn’t matter. What matters is how we feel, and without him bringing up the whole commitment issue and the ex issue and how we would navigate all that, I would likely never feel really safe with this guy. We dated on/off for almost a year, so on all accounts this is not a new ‘making up ones mind’ kind of date.
    He has improved in some small ways, like he makes more plans for time together, but even that always jars because he wants me, deep down, to tell him what to do. Ugh



  20.  #20Helena Hart on June 15, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    Tam – 18 & 19 – I also agree that what matters most is how you FEEL with man, when he’s right in front of you as well as when he’s not. This seems like the type of man where if you were dating others as well, he’d simply get “lost in the shuffle” and eventually lose you to a more masculine energy man who feels compelled to step up and move the relationship forward all on his own, without any sort of prompting or prodding from you.

    Love, Helena



  21.  #21Tam on June 15, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    Thanks Helena, well, not so much since he does actually try to book me up fir the weekends..and a date in the week…at least at the latter stage, so it became difficult to fit anyone else in lol. And he was nice to spend time with so when I didn’t have other plans, I would accept dates relative,y short notice, i e three days before the weekend or so….so you see, it’s not all so clear-cut. Sigh.



  22.  #22Tam on June 15, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    He does want to spend as much time with me as possible but he doesn’t move things forward in any way, shape or form…or maybe I was just too impatient for him, who knows and who cares….time to think about me and not him. 🙂



  23.  #23Tam on June 15, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    I guess the main point is that it’s actually very difficult to oitgirl a borderline feminine man, and very frustrating, no matter how good all other aspects of the relationship may be. And when the life situation isn’t so satisfying and we feel maybe worse about ourselves, in my case the outgirling is even more difficult, perhaps because I look for stability in at least one area of my life. Not sure. It makes it harder to be tolerant too, I find.



  24.  #24Emerson on June 15, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Rori thank you for this post…it was very powerful to me to read about punishing ourself. I intend to stop punishing myself.
    I feel thankful on this Father’s Day and I also feel intense loneliness.
    Perhaps I am punishing myself with the loneliness.
    I would like to change that.
    I have been feeling very very hopeless about meeting someone compatible.
    I know it’s not good to be negative it’s just how I feel and I am having such a hard time flipping it.
    In fact I’ve never felt this way before. Completely sentimental combined with a feeling of failure and desperation. Also feelings of shock that I ended up alone at my age and have not been successful in a relationship, I feel so much shame.
    Sirens thank you for listening I don’t expect anyone to solve my problems it just feels good to know someone is “listening”….



  25.  #25Emerson on June 15, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    I do love myself and I take care of me nowadays much better than I used to.
    I get along with some men I work with and I really enjoy their company, but one is married and the other is in a relationship.
    It would feel so good to meet men like this to date. The men I meet on the dating site I’m on seem to want sex and that’s about it. Or they are incredibly lazy and boring. If that means I am picky than so be it.



  26.  #26Emerson on June 15, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    I know myself and if I spend too much time alone I start feeling really negative….
    I love my alone time….
    Bit I have my limits…



  27.  #27Emerson on June 15, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    I got a new phone and I can’t see the blog updates! Ah technology !!!



  28.  #28katie on June 16, 2014 at 2:57 am

    Hi Rori,
    I’m just getting started on your programs. I purchased Modern Siren a while back, I purchased the book Have the Relationship you Want. and then I just dove in and decided to buy all your programs because, the man I’ve fallen for is a tough cookie.
    I have learned so much about myself as I’ve read and re-read your book. I’ve learned to express my feelings and it’s worked beautifully with the Man and men I’ve seen to help me when I’m feeling messed up from the one Man I’m unable to let go of.
    let me explain the SEVERE difficulty I’ve had with him.
    He is older than I am. 53 & I’m 38. I’m divorced and in no rush to remarry, but I’ve fallen hard for this Man. More so than my ex who was very controlling sexually, emotionally and with my freedom; what I wanted to do career wise and the list goes on… and let me emphasize the laziest guy on the planet.
    Chris, on the other hand is quiet, introverted, likes his life and has only kind suggestive opinions about what I should and shouldn’t do, as long as I’m happy. So I’m content to pursue all my goals as a career woman. I’ve also learned how to be 80-90% feminine around him and he connects very well with it through his behavior. I’m getting better and better. I never contact him first anymore. I allow him to pursue me and row the boat. he also connects excellently with this. he is COMPLETELY masculine. if I row the boat for even an inch it’s very obvious in is body language that it’s not interesting.
    But, there is a HUGE problem and when I say huge I mean a continent.
    Before I stopped rowing he expressed flatly that he had been in some terrible relationships. He had been hurt beyond repair. He would NEVER allow himself to love again because it was too painful. He said he drank for 10 years over the last gal and at 25 said he’d never love again. he would never allow himself to be emotionally vulnerable and love a woman again and all the women he dates are not friends with him anymore and attributes that to his disbelief in love. He has told me I should give up on it too and that I’d be much happier. He’s never said the three little words to me. He can be extremely grumpy and push me away emotionally. So much so that I’m brought to tears. He’s only said we’re more than friends. Yes, as I write these words I KNOW he’s toxic… More than most.
    I lived with him as I cared for his ailing mom for almost a year. I rarely left because I was a live-in caregiver. There were days, and weeks that were almost unbearable and I couldn’t wait to get away. But mixed in with all this unbearable times were unexpressable moments of kindness, thoughtfulness, and expressions of vulnerability on his part that he will not admit. we never slept in the same bed, ever. I had my room and he had his. He flatly said over and over, “I like to be alone. I like to sleep alone.” the longer his mother’s life lingered the more he seemed annoyed with me. when she passed away I moved out 12 days later as an emotional wreck.
    That is some of the toxic things about him and many more.
    Now I will explain why I have fallen in love with what he has described himself as damaged goods because of his past and he backs it up with college psychology classes that he’s taken. He says he’s the classic case. He is not abusive, He’s never yelled at me, put me down, criticized me (except on my opinions about love)
    He’s extremely affectionate when I’m feminine and really enjoys my company to a limit. We do many things together, gardening, watching movies, caring for all the wild birds. running errands, and eating together. He does not like to go out to dinner, but prefers to cook, or shall I say, he’ll buy a meal and bring it home or I’ll cook. Now that I’m not living there things are much better. I’ve stopped overfunctioning and he’s really stepped up to the plate…He has his time alone and enjoys my company about twice a week. He texts me almost every day. He does purchase things for me, nothing fancy, but goes out of his way to do things for me that I’ve asked. Lately, He’s stepped up even more as I follow your lessons. He kisses me, and we’re intimate about once or twice a month. we’re not exclusive, or shall I say, I’m assuming we’re not exclusive because he’s not made any verbal comments that we are. But, he doesn’t like company, male or female except an occasional visit from a sister that he is close with and his niece and her son. He loves his cat, the birds, gardening and work. He easily puts in 12 hr days of hard labor either for his boss or on his own property.
    He’s not the typical guy a woman would fall for. infact he’s so introverted that I’d never have met him except that I was his mom’s caregiver. He prefers to have sexual contact with women for short periods of time. and if they get emotionally attached he pushes them away. He’s very VERY attractive. no fat on him. abs to drool over. I’m very fit, and pretty. But my physical attraction to him only goes so far.
    I bought your programs and little by little have learned so much. Gained more confidence and been able to deal with his personality.
    I had centered my life around him. as soon as I moved out I met another man and it helps because this guy is head over heels for me. Unfortunately for him he’s not my type and not very attractive. He’s extremely feminine and has a lot of difficulty taking charge. He’s very sweet, loving and kind and quite honestly, even though I’m not in love with this guy, he’s really been wonderful. I use your techniques on both men. I’ve told him I don’t want to be exclusive. Who knows, I might find someone perfect.
    Unfortunately the man I think is perfect has clearly stated he will never love again.
    So, this is my dilemma:
    This past month has been amazing with him. He has gone and done things with and for me that are very vulnerable emotionally for him. I told him I didn’t like sleeping with him and then having to sleep alone all night afterward because I feel abandoned. He now sleeps in the same bed all night after intimacy.
    Rori, this is gonna sound typical of a woman in my shoes trying to make excuses for him, but he draws me in and pushes me away all the time and recently admitted it after telling him how it made me feel when he did it. He said he did have feelings for me, that it wasn’t just friends with benefits and that when he felt too emotionally close he purposely pushes away because he’s never had a woman stick around since he’s decided he’s done with “all that” it’s even more up and down now because I’m growing in my feminine energy and it’s really throwing him for a loop.
    Finally though I had weak moment, got extremely hurt by something he said and he reminded me that he will never love again and all the kind things he’s done I’ve read way to much into all of it. He also said he can’t make me FEEL any way at all and to stop taking things personal.
    I think he just has zero trust in women, like an abused animal. I’m not trying to make excuses for him. it’s just very obvious because he’s very attracted to me and even more so as I grow.
    I love him. I’m not capable of cutting him off. I do really believe with time and patience he will trust me.
    my question is, have you heard of men like this? do they change without therapy? Are they commitment phobic like all the websites say but around a woman who loves herself and is confident. as I go through your lessons can he possibly get over his EXTREME rejection of love and vulnerability?
    I am patient enough to wait because I’ve also never seen a man with more compassion and kindness as well. It’s as if he’s self destructive to keep from ever feeling pain from a woman again.
    I’m guessing it could take five years or more of building trust. and causing him to fall in love with me. there’s no denying he’s singing his own mantra of “love is not real.” when we’ve fought and it seems to make him feel validated and use it as proof that it’s all a joke.
    I WANT to prove to him that love IS real and that I’m here for the long haul. I know we’re not just friends and I know he’s not using me only for sex.
    Anyway, do you have advice? I haven’t completed all your programs yet, but this last episode made me want to email you asap.
    thanks Rori,
    Katie



  29.  #29Indigo on June 16, 2014 at 5:26 am

    Tam 23,

    This is so true: “And when the life situation isn’t so satisfying and we feel maybe worse about ourselves, in my case the outgirling is even more difficult, perhaps because I look for stability in at least one area of my life. Not sure. It makes it harder to be tolerant too, I find.”

    This is so true. I have found since I gave up a job that was exhausting me and sucking me dry, I have just oodles more patience for the people in my life, and am much more easygoing and tolerant. Things about my family, and men, don’t get to me as much. It’s great. It’s also made me see that I really should be preserving my own energy for bettering and improving my own life and so keep my relaxed easygoing energy for when I am with men, letting them unfold.

    Have you noticed that you feel moved to direct things in other areas of your life? Could that be why you’re attracting a man who seems to need that direction?



  30.  #30Nodistressyes on June 16, 2014 at 8:21 am

    I am not doing what I want to do and here’s why….
    My boyfriend has leaned back so far from me that he only communicates via text, he won’t answer my phone calls AND we only see each other at church on Sunday morning. We have been down this road before but I leaned back and stopped talking to him for almost 2 years. He asked for a second chance and I allowed him back in my life however; my fear of losing him again propelled me to lean forward so much that he backed off so far that he says – he doesn’t think that I can give him the space he needs to focus on his mother and family. I should mention he lost his father in November 2013 and the family is still grieving. I unzipped my heart with the hope of turning this relationship around. When I attempted to end church attendance with him – his reaction was “I knew this would happen” (but we haven’t been seeing one another), so I continue to go (not only for him but I really love the Pastor and congregation). I want to stay at the church but if I decide to completely “stop” everything with him – it will be awkward being there and not talking. The other issue is that I’m having a hard time with steady practice on loving and being with myself. I’m always thinking of him – even when I’m out with others. I am truly being a cactus and fern with no water but it is so hard to let go this time. Any advice out there????



  31.  #31Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Indigo – I’m feeling happy reading about your market day – not necessarily regarding what’s happening with the men but that you’re getting out there with your passion : )



  32.  #32Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Moving Magic- 8 – “Me… in relation to me” – awesome!



  33.  #33Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Indigo – If I may ask, when you say feeling funny when CDing, what do you mean?



  34.  #34Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Tam – I’ve been nodding my head to what you’ve been saying in most of your posts. There are elements that seem very similar to the one I was in in my last relationship – for me, the words and actions were sort of there, but the relationship was kept from going anywhere and what resulted was a drift that felt like ‘waiting’.



  35.  #35Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 9:14 am

    I’m still feeling sick : ( I must say that I’m finding Rori’s Navigating Love so helpful and amazing and healing – thank you so much Rori!

    I went to a festival and it felt so good to be there – there was an energy from one guy that was a little different from what I have experienced before: it was a ‘noticing your vibe and enjoying it’ energy – I liked that. And I didn’t feel sad that I was single, rather I felt like I was growing this goddess energy inside me. It’s as though so many stories about love, about me and love just don’t have that hold anymore, it feels like freedom – that my history and even what I believed about myself doesn’t have to determine my love options/possibilities. I feel nervous because it’s stepping into ‘newness’ and I’m not sure what that is.



  36.  #36Kyla on June 16, 2014 at 9:30 am

    A change in perspective leads to a change in feelings leads to a change in action leads to a change in result.. or any variation of the above, change one thing and the domino effect has to change direction too. I’m experiencing this more and more lately, the momentum is gathering speed 🙂

    Feeling frustrated and unheard when conversing with Ninja about something mundane and thinking he’s not listening to me and reacting from a defensive stance has him annoyingly arguing his point further. Grr I want to tell him to STFU! I’m in full boy mode and ready to launch my attack as soon as there’s a pause in his rant. All of a sudden I realise he’s not dismissing me.. I’m completely dismissing him and instead of withdrawing from or attacking me.. he’s right here! He’s choosing to stay right in front of me trying his very best to communicate with my increasingly grumpy self and getting increasingly frustrated with my refusal to hear him but he’s still right here trying anyway, he cares that much! Oops! Silly me!

    I feel instantly softened in my shoulders, quickly turn to him, surrendered and smile and say “sorry”, it takes a moment for the apology to register, I hold eye contact and resist reacting to his ongoing rant and he suddenly stops mid sentance, paused with mouth open, then suddenly smiles widely back at me and says “thank you”. I notice him physically relax, his gaze is soft and full of love, its all over, he squeezes my hand, the conversation continues with ease as we finish getting ready, we laugh and there’s peace again as if it never happened. I skip out of the house feeling loved and happy and he follows me out with a coffee just before I pull away.

    I am feeling super excited that I’m becoming aware of even more of my old ‘default’ reactions. Wow so much of everything I do is set on autopilot and it creates all sorts of tension and drama! I’m waking up! I’m feeling much more present and its giving me the opportunity to respond to the ‘now’ and change course. I love my triggers, they have so much to teach me! I’m seeing where my boy energy has been needed in the past to protect me and is now operating out of defensive habit. Awareness and perspective is awesome.



  37.  #37Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Indigo & Tam
    Interesting about “when the life situation isn’t where we want it to be”

    Just what I have been struggling with for a year now…
    Reestablishing my web/graphic design company
    and not having the clients I used to…

    I am BROKE!!
    It is more difficult to be my easy, breezy self…
    I actually got in a HEATED discussion with my gfs
    last week…
    I got Way out of hand… I know it was because
    I feel shame, hopelessness, dispair!

    Yes “moved to direct things”~

    With my nice guy MN, he pushes for more time
    together… which is really nice
    and I expressed my good feelings about that
    and how good it feels that he is moving the relationship forward…

    But I explained that my financial stability is
    REALLY important to me and I must work
    more hours and have alone time to manage
    my anxiety
    He is understanding!! :-}

    He makes me feel relaxed and NOT
    worried about saying/doing the wrong thing
    I am letting him lead…
    But I have seen my masculine energy
    wanting to manage him…
    So I have been practicing getting in my
    feminine energy around him.

    GOOD Practice for me! :->



  38.  #38Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 9:57 am

    ((((Emerson)))) #24

    I know you realize this…
    Hold that shame in your warm, gentle, loving arms…
    Whisper how much you LOVE Her (your shame)
    Whisper how much you LOVE your desperation
    and YOUR age…
    Take out your Potion of Love (what scent is it?)
    and start at the top of your head
    and Slather LOVE all over you…
    Slowly…
    oxoxo



  39.  #39Ignis on June 16, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Dear Rori and Sirens 🙂

    It has been a while since I have been here, but I feel this is the right place to be right now. I am couple of dates later after my big toxic relationship that led me to this site. Last time I was dating more than couple of times it lasted 3 months and at the end I felt desperation, I overfunctioned I wanted him back and I tried to be friend (feels funny now to even think about it). Now a man I was dating 2 months just (like 30 min ago) said he is out. And I saw it coming, cause I did overfunction last two weeks. I see it now so clearly. Just that this time I feel grateful he had balls to say it to my face and I thanked him for that, said I cannot be friend, and said I have to let him go and I left my own house haha And oh yes, it feels bad right now, but it also feels powerfull to leave before he did. To have enough love for myself to remove myself from this mess. And I see where I have to do the work on myself and I am ok with that, I am ok with that I am not there yet and I am ok with that it will take time. I will be ok no matter what. And it already feels boring to be sad about a man that showed up to teach me this and left.For the first time I really feel ok with that. 🙂 Hugs!



  40.  #40Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Indigo #17
    I feel intrigued by your thoughts…
    “Does there never come a point where a man can fall off the wagon and we say, this may not be exactly how I want to feel, but I love you anyway? I will not reject or abandon you simply because this is unpleasant or uncomfortable for me right now?”

    I know for me… since I have been using the RR tools…
    I feel as if I am more capable of giving a man, who I am in a long term relationship with, a few chances to bounce back from “lifes snags”…

    Especially when he has shown me that
    He is capable of true intimacy, kindness,
    caring and strength and LOVE…

    I know before RR, I would get myself in relationships
    that didn’t have the basics and after several years of giving HIM and our relationship… chances…
    I realized it was too detrimental for ME
    and my family and friends (having to deal with me in all kinds of chaos and trauma)

    So for ME the answer is…
    I am MORE capable of being kind and compassionate
    and be able to give some slack and understanding to
    those I love
    BECAUSE
    NOW
    I LOVE MYSELF SOOOO much!!



  41.  #41Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Kyla #34
    (((hugs)))

    Thank you, darling Siren for taking the time to share
    these moments of conflict…
    Wow… I feel very interested reading about your unfolding of an intimate, loving relationship with Ninja…

    We don’t get to read much about what happens
    AFTER you find the man of your dreams, here on Siren Island…
    Thank you for this…
    AND brava!!!
    for using the RR tools to
    Stop
    turn around say
    “i”m sorry”
    AND
    PAUSE!!!
    LOVELY!



  42.  #42Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 10:21 am

    I am spaming Siren Island !!! ;-0

    Ignis,
    (((hugs))) to you and so glad you are here…

    To me it feels like you are taking such good care of YOU!!!
    and taking YOUR power back by
    saying”I cannot be friends” and leaving!!
    Yay YOU@!!



  43.  #43Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Veronica
    I am sending gentle, warm, healing breezes to you
    my lovely Siren!!!



  44.  #44Ignis on June 16, 2014 at 10:30 am

    @Azure Blu I feel thankful for your words, thank you, I needed to hear that 🙂



  45.  #45Ignis on June 16, 2014 at 11:13 am

    and you know what, I feel free, I feel like smiling to everyone and I feel open to what is awaiting me, I feel a bit scared too but I feel powerful, I feel I can do the work for myself, not for mr. right, but for myself. I feel decided for myself and what is good for myself. This is a new feeling for me. Totally new, before I would want to do the work on myself to get a man, now I feel decided to do the work for me. So I can be ok with me no matter what, and if a man shows up it will be just an added bonus, this is so new and it feels really good.



  46.  #46Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Ignis#43
    Wow!! You Goddess!’

    that sounds really good to me!!

    I feel bright, energetic sunshiny
    reading your post!!!
    Self Love is SOOO Powerful!



  47.  #47Indigo on June 16, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Veronica 31,

    Just that it’s difficult to open myself up to lots of people, because when I open myself up, I feel a little bit exposed, and also when I choose to connect with someone, it usually ends up being quite deep, which is not always conducive to people swishing in and out of your life 🙂



  48.  #48Indigo on June 16, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Azure Blu 38,

    Yes, I feel self-love is the key here. And of all people, I am the biggest advocate of the value of self-love, among other things that it allows you to be more loving and forgiving of others.

    But… having said that, there are some people (and animals too) that I love for their own sake. I love them independently of what they can do for me, and independently of how I feel about myself.



  49.  #49Azure Blu on June 16, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Indigo #46
    Mmmmmm…
    Independently of what they can DO for ME…

    I see what you are saying…
    I want to explore that…
    Maybe I only Love people
    who can do something FOR ME???

    I want to consider this deeply…
    I hope there are animals AND humans I LOVE
    for just who they are…



  50.  #50Violette on June 16, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Thank you for your comment Azure Blue, on the last blog. It does feel good to have a couple of men in my life who seem to really want to make me happy. And they’re adorable.

    I had dinner at S’s house last week. We’ve been dating about a month, always in public, and he wanted to get it on. And…it wasn’t good. I don’t want to rush sex because I am dating more people than just him, but I also wanted him to make me want it. I wanted it to be hot, to want to have sex. He was making out with me on the couch, on top of me, and whenever he’d get turned on he’d start pressing on me so hard I couldn’t move. At one point his lips were pressed so hard against my teeth, and my chest was crushed and I couldn’t breathe. I kept asking him to be more gentle, and he kept asking me what he wasn’t doing right…like in a circle 8. Finally he got frustrated and I was crying.

    I’m on vacation for like 2 weeks and happy about it. I really like him, even though he’s not a “hot” guy, and it’s not all compatible, he’s so attentive and romantic. And I feel like I have to talk to him. I feel like making the effort to see if things can improve, but it’s a faint hope, how does something like that get better? I don’t know. I don’t want to walk away before trying though, if he wants to.

    I will ask him if he’s up for learning me and my needs, and that I will need to express them to him and he will need to want to work on it with me, or it just won’t work.

    Anyone have experience with this?



  51.  #51RileyTheOwl on June 16, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    I’m feeling confused and out of touch with myself.
    Exams were over on Friday, I leave on the 26th of June and won’t see C again until late August. and…. I guess I created an automatic expectation in my head that he’d call be as soon as our free time started, and that he’d want to see as much of me as possible before I leave for Colombia. Whoops, I really caught myself off guard when I realized what story I’d created in my own head.
    But… nothing. Nothing all weekend, and he texted me today to ask how I was, which was really sweet. but it didn’t go anywhere… after a while I thanked him for contacting me and said it felt really good to hear from him, but texting was just feeling a bit dull here, so I’m going to go.

    I feel very un-special to him, and in his words, it all felt like he was contacting me because he felt obligated to, and not that he wants to…. does that makes sense? It felt really off and blah, the opposite of how I want him to feel around me, the opposite of how I want to feel.

    Sigh… I feel all needy and chase-y :/



  52.  #52Indigo on June 16, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Violette,

    Sometimes SHOWING a guy how it’s done can work better than telling him? If it were me I’d sink deeply into my own body, deepen my breathing until his started deepening too, relaxing myself completely and show him how I like it, maybe pulling back and disengaging slightly when he is being overly persistent.



  53.  #53RileyTheOwl on June 16, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Well, I’m going to breath in all the positive energy around me… exhale my negative feelings. I’m seeing a friend this afternoon, and I’m going to open my petals and soak up the energy from the sun, and I’ll bloom. I want to get a deepen my connection with myself today…. I want to get back in touch with myself… I’ve been floating away from my heart, not really paying attention. Sorry heart, I love you.



  54.  #54Indigo on June 16, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    Azure Blu 47,

    “I hope there are animals AND humans I LOVE
    for just who they are…”

    Yes this is exactly what I am saying. I feel this is important. For me, it’s not love unless there is some part of it which is kind of unconditional, beyond the reach of my judgment.



  55.  #55Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Azure Blu – 41 – Thank you! I’m starting to feel frustrated with being sick.



  56.  #56Veronica on June 16, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Indigo – 45 – I understand now. I don’t know if it’s the same for you but it starts to feel a bit meaningless after a while for me – knowing that nothing will take root.



  57.  #57Tam on June 16, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Now he wants to talk and I haven’t got the foggiest what to say, especially since I don’t even know whether I want him.
    Can’t exactly worry about commitment from a man when you are yourself not sure you want to commit to this man. eeek



  58.  #58Labbit on June 16, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Tam 55 — why not use this as an opportunity to practice? Pretend like this guy is your dream man and practice your feeling messages. Let it be fun! There’s no pressure on you or him here since the feelings aren’t there for you right now. Just let yourself be the beautiful siren you are — in the moment and feeling great and whatever he wants to talk about, you respond with feelings. It’s perfect that you’re not sure about commitment! Don’t think about what you’re going to say AT ALL. Just say whatever comes to you as you’re listening to him. Like a game, a getting to know you game. He’s getting to know you and you’re getting to know him and yourself.

    With men I’m not sure about I feel much more confident in myself and centered, so it’s fun for me to practice feeling messages with them. With men I’m really into I tend to shrink into myself a bit though that’s slowly changing. The more I practice using feeling messages the more natural they become in all situations, not just with the guys I’m unsure of. 🙂



  59.  #59Tam on June 16, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Indigo 28, and Azure Blu, I found your posts interesting and couldn’t agree more. I also feel that when my job isn’t right, or when I am broke, that I am somehow ‘worth less’ or a ‘burden’, even though I have savings and don’t need to ask anyone for money (yet anyway), still. I guess it has been drilled into us that worth comes with job/money or whatever, which is so wrong.
    We are worth it just because we ‘are’ here.
    I think my feelings of self esteem and self worth fluctuate depending on my independence. When I feel independent, financially and emotionally, I feel secure and safe and it makes relationships easier, all relationships.
    Now the guy wants to talk and I don’t even know what to say. Bring up commitment? The type of relationship I want? I don’t even know if I want it from him…is it worth the hassle?
    No idea.
    I think I would like a guy to just grab me and not let me go and verbalise that he wants me, so I could feel safe to choose him or not, but to expect that from any man, let alone a feminine man is just one expectation too far lol



  60.  #60Tam on June 16, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    Thank you Labbit…I think all my issues right now stem from the fact that I want him to want me, so I can be the princess and decide whether I want him lol. Or decline.
    But right now, it’s more of a negotiation which feels so energy zapping. Like he pulls me out of my feminine energy every time, and then I act out angry.



  61.  #61Labbit on June 16, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Helena 14 — I love what you said here! It home for me as well, so thank you. In the past I have looked for someone to save me and my brain is still very good at hiding attempts to ‘make something happen’, haha. At least now I am starting to see it even if I can’t always stop it.

    Indigo 17 — wow, lots of great thoughts here! I feel connected to you because I also believe love is for life, even if the relationship ends I still feel a spot in my heart for that person.

    Speaking for myself, when I block someone out of my life it is for self-preservation. To stay in an unworkable situation either means that I want to punish myself, want to be a martyr, or there’s a lesson I am not ready to face. Usually I can’t see anything of these things while I’m IN the situation, only in hindsight. I’ve also been walked away from and it is devastating. Still, with time (and lots of crying! and feeling!) I can look back and learn something. Sometimes I resist the lesson. And then I usually face it again. 😉 Sometimes I get it. And then I can grow. I hope that for you in time they seem less like people blocking you out (or you blocking them out) and more like a natural end to a path, and now you are on a new path surrounded by gorgeous flowers and men and whatever else you want to be there! You lovely siren.

    Emerson 25 – I think it’s so wonderful that you can recognize in your male friends the traits you want in your own man…I find myself doing the same thing sometimes, feeling like I can only find the things I want in unavailable men.

    Kyla 34 – such a cool post! It’s reassuring to know that even if a convo seems to heading towards a fight, it doesn’t actually have to get there. I love it! 🙂

    Ugh I have been having the most frustrating week or two. It feels like every CD is cancelling on me! Hopefully tomorrow’s date sticks. I feel ornery. It pushes me into my masculine energy and I don’t like it. Going to take a nice bath tonight with some scented candles and try to settle back into my feminine, relaxed energy. I want to forget the last several days.



  62.  #62Tereana on June 16, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    Indigo –

    I liked your rant very much. It was very well said. I think it goes nicely with Rori’s post about loving him/yourself through anything.

    If I’m not mistaken, you were also sharing some frustration about J and his alcoholism, is that right? (If not, then this post is for another siren!! : )

    Anyway, I hear what you are saying, and I think it’s a dance. It is an art. There is no one right answer in EVERY situation. YES, people are more disposable now more than ever with new dates available 24/7 on the Internet. And yet EACH one of those people – ourselves included – have intrinsic value. But it’s hard to feel that way, when we could be traded for someone else. I’m getting sidetracked here…

    If this is about J, then it’s entirely up to you. YOU get to decide if staying with him is what makes your life better, even with the alcohol. And maybe it does.

    But…I would say that, if you simply stay put, and nothing changes, he will simply keep doing what he is doing, because he knows you will support him in this way and that there is no risk of losing you. We want a man to feel “safe” to be himself. But the thing is, you are letting him be “safe” as an alcoholic, and I think even you are equating “him” with the “alcoholic” part. And it’s one thing to accept that. But really that is a behavior. It’s not “who he is.”

    Try and look past the behavior. What do you see? THAT is the man you love. Do NOT tolerate alcoholism because you “love him.” This may sound harsh, but as long as you tolerate it, you are NOT loving him. Alcoholism steals from you the man you love. Love your man by hating the alcoholism. And if you can walk away from the alcoholism without walking away from HIM, do that. (Is one suggestion).

    What is the situation? Are you married? Do you pay rent, and he lives with you for free because he’s not working and so you feel like you “can’t” walk out?

    What if you kept paying rent, but you took a few days off? Could you stay with a friend for a few nights? Don’t even mention the sex. You could just say to him, “I feel really stressed. Your alcoholism is really hard on me. I know you’re doing your best, but I miss you when you are drunk, because you’re not being the person I love. So I’m going to stay with X for a few days. I’ll see you when I get back.”

    And then try not to think about him. You’ll think about him. But try not to. Because he needs space to figure things out as much as you do. And he’ll never come to any conclusions if you are right there a the time. He will never feel the need to alter his behavior.

    Ok I think I’m repeating myself.

    Only you know your situation best. Maybe this isn’t the right thing to do. But maybe there is some version if it where you could get the message across without a lot of words. “Voting with your feet” so to speak. Don’t give up on HIM – but show that you are not giving up by LOVING YOURSELF – and that might mean taking some time off for self-care. That would be a brave thing to do, I think.

    What about you?



  63.  #63Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Tam…
    I do know how you are feeling…

    Does it make since to keep seeing him as practice?
    You could simply say
    I’m not sure what I feel about our relationship right now…
    How about if we continue seeing each other and see what happens…?

    #57
    I’m a little confused
    I thought He was the one asking to talk about where the relationship is going…
    to me that sounds masculine and moving the relationship froward?

    If it were me…
    Give yourself as much time as YOU need,,,
    You really don’t need to DO anything…
    Share YOUR thoughts in soft feeling messages
    and listen to what he says…



  64.  #64Hopeful on June 17, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Okay, I have a question – new to the dating scene, now that I am divorced. If a guy who is clearly shy, keeps trading emails with you that tentatively suggest getting together, but then either does not get back to me, or decides not to go to the event, what should you do?

    I think this is pretty lame.

    Should I just tell him via email “I don’t want to make tentative plans anymore.”

    Or tell him “I was so touched by how sweet and kind you were the night we met, but this tentative planning does not feel very good to me. I don’t want to make tentative plans anymore.”

    Thanks for the input in advance.



  65.  #65Tam on June 17, 2014 at 7:25 am

    61 Azure Blu, yes he wants to talk. But he said he wants to talk whatever happens, so that if we don’t work it out, at least we can stay friends and talk to each other….that sounds less masculine now, right?

    He is in-between masculine and feminine energy…but I love your suggestion to just say that I feel confused about the relationship…and not sure what I want/where it is going. The thing is, we have continued to ‘just see where it goes’ for a very long time, but when the big issues are never brought up and talked about, the whole thing just never moves into any direction..and stalls. I get frustrated.

    I still date other guys but, well, it’s kind of going through the motions. IDK



  66.  #66Violette on June 17, 2014 at 7:26 am

    Thank you for your comment Indigo.

    Maybe I need to be firm about being on top because when he is I can’t really pull away or anything.

    Even when we’re standing and I pull away when he pushes in too much he just follows me until we’re on the other side of the room.

    This feels very difficult. It feels so uncomfortable to lead in a sexual situation, I even have a panicky feeling.

    And I still consider having a discussion with him, so he knows I am trying to let him know what I want.

    Funny how much fear I have around this. In the past I’ve always considered it a dealbreaker and left. This feels so totally new.

    I don’t even know for sure if it is good for me to work on it, or if I aught to just go. But…it feels like also a good oportunity to face a fear maybe.



  67.  #67Tam on June 17, 2014 at 7:27 am


  68.  #68Violette on June 17, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Hopeful, I’m sure we can all relate to this situation!

    The beautiful thing about dating this way and circular dating is that it turns everything into an experiment, and since we’re all getting better at learning how to attract a man who will make us happy, there is so much less to lose.

    Personally I wouldn’t mind if you said what you have in the post to him. But chances are it won’t go any further.

    Chances are it won’t go any further anyway! At least it will feel good to say what you want, put it out there.

    It’s one of the reasons I don’t like to email with dates, because some men have their need totally satisfied by emailing and I certainly don’t.

    Also it’s so helpful to get other men in the mix, because it gives so much perspective.



  69.  #69Femininewoman on June 17, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Hopeful knowing me I wouldn’t bother to say it. Tentative planning is not planning. I see it as dragging feet and stringing along. I would trust that he has my number and if he really wants to connect with me he will use it. Maybe what he wants is just a penpal.



  70.  #70Indigo on June 17, 2014 at 7:43 am

    Tereana 60,

    The situation with J relates to Mandy who posts here, not me, but thank you for your thoughtful comment.

    I was thinking of my ex, D, the love of whom I cannot shake. I just know it is impossible. And with whom I have seen much positive change, so I’m not sure I would ever want to.

    Mostly I pray a lot! Those of us who have been blessed (cursed?) to love someone no matter what happens, I think that is the only thing to do! 🙂



  71.  #71Indigo on June 17, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Labbit 59,

    Thank you. And I understand what you mean about the self-preservation thing, which of course is absolutely wonderful. Self-preservation is a wonderful thing.

    With some relationships, I’ve found my self-preservation instinct is partly or mostly stripped away. And I’ve found myself lying on the ground after a fall, all bruised, and my strongest thought is “I know I will try again.”



  72.  #72Indigo on June 17, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Hopeful,

    I like what Violette has said: “some men have their need totally satisfied by emailing and I certainly don’t.”

    I just simply state that I’m feeling burned out by e-mailing and then I stop e-mailing. I don’t think you really want a man whom you have to coax and cajole into stepping up.



  73.  #73Veronica on June 17, 2014 at 8:02 am

    The guy who wants to meet this weekend – I’ll call him TaurusCD – hasn’t firmed up plans yet and has suggested an area that is a bit far for me after I suggested an area that was closer for both of us. I’m sensing that things are fizzling and was feeling disappointed about my own progress with feeling messages.

    And then today, OwlCD suggests plans for this weekend that clearly show that he’s putting more thought into planning our meetups.

    And the kind of men that are showing interest in my profile are improving – more effort in their profiles, more the kind of men I would consider as opposed to humour.

    I know this doesn’t mean much in terms of real life moving closer to something that a goddess would love. It did however make it very clear to me that if one man doesn’t step up there are at least three “better” men waiting to step up – I’m making space for them – I’m not sure how that is happening but that’s how it seems to me.



  74.  #74Veronica on June 17, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Even the idea of asking TaurusCD about our plans feels icky to me, it’s as though I’m checking in on him, and flogging a dead horse. So um no and the prospect of meeting someone who I had to ‘check in on’ fills me with dread.

    But I do like that it’s taking less time to flush these men out.

    Also, I can sense myself trying to figure out how to be my own siren – I love that! – in what I say, in how I say it, in what I do or don’t do.



  75.  #75Tam on June 17, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Veronica, yep, sit back and see what happens…it gets easier doesn’t it..



  76.  #76Veronica on June 17, 2014 at 9:03 am

    Tam – 73 – It definitely does get easier. Trusting that this sitting back is good for me is quite difficult for me. I struggle with it sometimes.



  77.  #77Indigo on June 17, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Yay Veronica!!! You sound fantastic.



  78.  #78Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Veronica #72
    I feel bright, shiny inspired!!!
    Wow!!!
    I love reading this!
    “So um no and the prospect of meeting someone who I had to ‘check in on’ fills me with dread.

    But I do like that it’s taking less time to flush these men out.

    Also, I can sense myself trying to figure out how to be my own siren – I love that!”

    YOU inspire ME!!! (;->



  79.  #79Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Tam #63

    I could be wrong…
    What I have found…
    Guys who have been dating me for some time…
    and we are cding…
    They DON’T move the relationship forward because
    they are wanting an exclusive relationship.
    Maybe that is what he is wanting to “talk” to you about….
    I am always inclined to do the exclusivity IF I LIKE the guy…
    I have a better chance of actually finding out
    who and where the guy is when i only date THEM…
    I give myself a few months (I don’t tell him)
    and IF things are looking good I keep dating them.
    If not..
    I say in a sweet, kind way… this isn’t working for me.



  80.  #80Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Violette #64
    I can so relate to this situation…
    I too was surprised about how much fear I had around sharing my sexual needs with KS (the cd who was sooo awkward and tooooo pushy with his sexual advances!!!)

    I dated him exclusively for 4 months and
    wanted to wait till we got a little more comfortable with each other to begin sharing with him what would feel good to me…
    Of course I would phrase it with sexy, soft FM…
    But he had sooo many other issues
    I didn’t get to practice with him…
    I broke it off…



  81.  #81Tam on June 17, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Azure Blu, nope, he doesn’t know I am open to meeting other guys. I don’t rub it in his face and he never asks and never asked for exclusivity in 10 months, but we once talked about it and he said he considers what we have a monogamous relationship. Without asking/informing me. Lol.
    Plus, he still had an internet profile up when he said it.
    He wouldn’t want to talk to me if it hadn’t been for me dumping him a week ago again. That’s what he wants to talk about, how to either try again or stay friends…honestly, he is 44 years old. Am I expecting too much in finding out what he wants after 10 months of on-off dating? Off because it has been frustrating me before…together with his lingering attachment to the ex. So lingering it got into the way of our plans together.
    I want some clarity now, I guess and just don’t want to waste any more time. He is a really good guy, but ….



  82.  #82Indigo on June 17, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Tam,

    Lack of clarity sucks. Especially when there are “lingerers” in the background.

    At least with clarity you can make a decision for yourself. If after 10 months he is still dithering about being in a proper relationship, it could be that he is not ready for one. If it were me I would probably ask him straight out if that is the case. If he says no, or not really, YOU can decide whether you wish to remain friends with him, CD him, or let him go.



  83.  #83Andrea on June 17, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    I’m in a play. I feel this play is coiling me up inside like a relationship in which I keep wondering if it will ever feel right or is it just a learning experience. I want to quit the play. I want to run away. I want to belittle it and accuse the director of being confusing and tell the world how insane it is and I feel so icky every time I rehearse or go through my lines.

    I feel …. honestly…. scared.

    I play two different characters. The first is a gaia type female role who is mother earth deep strong voice from inside my cave, contemplative intelligence, and big, large, wombing, all encompassing wisdom and searching at the same time.
    I feel comfortable in that role because I feel it is the role I always play in real life.

    The second character is Pamona a wood nymph who is fleeting and beautiful and effervescent. She dances and skips through the forest while a man, a very handsome studly man, does everything he can think of to get her attention. He changes into costumes and masks. He chases her, he’s in love with her, he wants only her.
    And she has to act unconcerned, believing herself to be beautiful, she doesn’t need nor want a man’s attention. She just wants to be happy and tend to her plants and flowers. And she wants the truth. She wants those who surround her to be honest and do away with their masks and costumes. But she never says it. The character of Pamona never prods or tries to get the man to do what she wants. She just isn’t interested in him at all.
    Until one day his mask falls off and she’s curious and happy. She smiles at him. He doesn’t know why he just is overwhelmed that he’s finally done something right.
    Finally she says, “Take off your wig.”
    He does.
    She smiles.
    He’s in heaven.

    That role… is easy to explain. But so hard for me to manifest. So hard for me to capture. I feel too big, too plodding, too urgent, too … needing to get things done… and too impatient for the man to “get it”. I feel… “Take off your masks and costumes !! MY GOD! So I can stop skipping through this forest and pretending that I don’t want you!!!”

    The problem is that Pamona is NOT pretending. She is very content. She is very happy. She really doesn’t want a man who is so actively clueless. She is perfectly happy in her life. Her plants and flowers please her. This man who is chasing her is just part of the landscape and she couldn’t care less about what he is wanting.

    This play is also very very body motivated. The director keeps wanting us to use our bodies more. Express ourselves less through our intellect and words and more through our movement and facial expressions.

    So it’s an extremely hard role for me. But I feel I attracted it into my awareness for the purposes of transforming myself even more into the feminine embodiment of the woman I want to be. I have a lot to learn from Pamona.



  84.  #84Liquid Light on June 17, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Ughh. I feel so guilty and sad. My parents were in town and I got impatient with them and lost my cool so many times. Its so painful to admit my failings as a daughter. I always want to be a better daughter, be more loving, be more appreciative…and I always fall short. Then I feel so guilty and sad. Plus I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept hardly at all for 2 days in a row, and I end up running myself ragged trying to help them. They are getting older and it just seems like they are so needy. I feel like a servant. Especially with my father is just so self centered and my mother caters to his every need. It drives me crazy and I don’t want him to treat her that way but this dynamic has been going on for more than 50 years! They aren’t going to change so I need to stop beating my head against the wall. And I can’t tell my mother anything, she resents my help and feels like she can do it all…GRRRRRR!!!! It was exhausting being around them for the past week. I feel awful saying that. Crap. Feeling totally crappy and so ALONE. I don’t want to go this all alone anymore. I’m just so tired of it. Lots of men have been flirting with me recently, but I always find some fatal flaw and write them off. I just can’t do that anymore, I will be alone forever. Someone flirted with me in the grocery store the other day, much younger than I and in my mind I didn’t take him seriously. He was very brazenly flirting with me, touched me several times and told me to “come back soon” when I left. And he was very cute. So what am I looking for? perfection?! I want someone who is just like my ex – tall, good looking, funny, rich – but who doesn’t have his bad qualities (controlling). I’m never going to find perfection and if I keep waiting for it, I’m going to be alone for a very long time. Thinking that I will take young cutie up on his request and will be going back to the store soon!! 🙂 I just can’t take going it alone anymore. It sucks.



  85.  #85Liquid Light on June 17, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Feeling a bit like I’m stepping into my sirenness. Even though I feel like a failure as a daughter, sister, and friend. Ughh. But I also know that men often respond positively to me quickly and strongly. I often don’t have any idea until after the fact and then it hits me – wow! he was flirting with me! Like the real estate guy who showed me the property the other day. So so good looking, young and masculine – an absolute STUD. He was being really nice, gave me water, said he’d hold an apartment for me for a month when there were people who would rent it right away. HE was flirting with me. I’m often totally oblivious when young studs like that flirt. I had no idea until later when I looked back on it. And of course I didn’t pick up on his queues when he was fishing around about what I was doing after our appt. Sigh. Anyway, I just need to own it and realize that I am an attractive sireny goddess and just enjoy it and let one of these young studs IN instead of shutting them OUT. Feels so scary though!!! And so exciting!!!



  86.  #86Liquid Light on June 17, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Wow, there’s a man that I met a while ago at an event. It was right after I moved so I was a total basket case and totally out of it. He was flirting with me at the event but I basically ignored his flirtations because he was married. Now, though, I’m seeing signs that perhaps he’s not married, is divorced or is separated. He’s pretty much everything that I want and seems to have all the qualities my ex had – tall, good looking, fun, successful – without the bad ones. Wow, so interesting!!! He’s been joining lots of groups and we are in many of the same ones. We are bound to run into each other soon at another event. Life is CRAZY! I wish I could have more faith in life’s synchronicities and be able to go with the flow and believe and trust in myself and the universal flow of life!! I will try to be more open and trust that I am a sireny babe who can attract the man of the my dreams or at least a hunky young stud in the meantime!!!



  87.  #87Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Tam….
    Mmmmm…
    For me…I’m agreeing with Indigo.

    Do YOU know what YOU want in a relationship?
    Do You have a vision, an image of what YOUR
    perfect day with the perfect man would look like?
    Sound like?
    Feel like?
    Not until I got clearer and clearer about what MY
    perfect relationship smells and feels like
    was I able to share, sweetly, and warmly
    with my cds
    what I AM LOOKING FOR… I share with a soft, tone…
    “A rest of my life relationship with a man who is interested in the same… I know it takes dating and getting to know each other first, (smiling sweetly)
    BUT I am a patient woman”
    So then they are NOT in the dark about my dreams and visions… I also share my bucket list…
    And
    I noticed I move on quicker OR stay if they sound they fit into MY DREAMS!
    BUT
    it took TIME to really
    feel what it is I WANT
    down in my heart and soul…



  88.  #88Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Andrea…
    Been missing you darling Siren… (;-}
    No wonder we havn’t heard from you on Siren Island…
    Plays take MUCH time…

    Wow… how brave of you to step out of your comfort zone and do this play…
    I love what you were sharing about your character Pamona… and how genuinely happy she is with HERSELF and HER life…
    simply NOT interested in a clueless man… Until he looses HIS mask…
    Lovely…
    I feel so summer, warm, floaty romps through the cool, flowery meadows…



  89.  #89nyx on June 17, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Hi LL!

    I always schedule 5 days visits with my parents. I love my mom, but although she is one of the most warm and loving and intelligent persons I know, she has zero respect for others’ boundaries. Prior, conversation goes like this (we live 1000 kilometres apart):

    “So we will visit you for a week, then go with us in the car home and stay at ours’ for a week or two?”
    “But mom, what exactly is the logic in all three of us travelling back and forth crosscountry? And sorry, no- I will not sit in the same car as the two of you for 12 hours (think constant passionate arguing about speed and speedlimits and STAYING WELL UNDER them versus which speed is ACTUALLY ALLOWED)… and one week is more than I can handle.”
    “So what is good for you? Three days?”
    “No, you know we always argue the third day. Five days are perfect. Enjoy 2 days, argue 3rd, solve 3rd or 4th, enjoy 5th again, part in perfect harmony.”

    So far, never once that schedule did not work out exactly like that. Not once my patience didn’t fall short the third day despite all my intentions. And I’m the patient sister… my two sisters have both thrown her out the second she entered their home or refused her entrance at times. And still- we all love her and know she loves us… (oh and both me and her have so different sleeping patterns we lose sleep at once which won’t help at all).

    Acknowledge, accept, love and handle the problems… and forgive- yourself and them 🙂 oh and endure and love them- they do this about you or did 😉 What were we like at 4? At 14?

    But yes- even as a grownup.. you’re allowed to feel frustrated around your mom- and it might not even be about you… or… horrible thought!- the mother that is enduring your father’s whims out of habit, might- at this very second- be enduring yours… 😉

    m66666666



  90.  #90Liquid Light on June 17, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Re. post 84, Looks like he’s going to an event this week. Should I go too or would that be too leaning forward? Probably don’t have the guts to do it anyway…



  91.  #91Liquid Light on June 17, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Thanks nyx!! I so appreciate your response. Yes, my mom is an amazing, loving, giving, sweet, wise person, and she deserves so much more than I am able to give her. It really sucks. I just can’t be “on” all the time, I need down time around them but it just seems like they both need to engage constantly even when watching TV!. I find this to be really taxing and end up losing my patience and temper. Ughh. It just breaks my heart that I can’t be a kinder nicer person around her, she really deserves it. I’m seeing that my mom and dad are drifting apart a bit. It’s so sad and heart breaking. Heavy heavy heart. And I just don’t want to do this alone. I could so use a shoulder to lean on, a soft place to land, a support system of my own going through this.

    Anyway, thanks NYX, it really helps to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this! Big hugs girl!!!



  92.  #92Rori Raye on June 17, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Nodistress, Welcome – and the answer is to Circular Date and stop waiting on this man in any way. We’ll help! Love, Rori



  93.  #93Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    LL #82…
    (((hugs)))
    When I read this…
    I feel your frustration with dealing with your family…

    For me
    every time I am around my family I gain more insights into WHY I react to life like I do…
    THese insights have been VERY helpful in
    removing some of my deep down beliefs about ME…

    LL… so glad you are seeing all the adoring men coming your way!! ;-+

    I know for me…
    The MORE I have been able to GIVE MYSELF
    Patient Loving Care…
    The more I am able to believe that
    I AM an Adorable, Sexy, Desirable woman…



  94.  #94Rori Raye on June 17, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Katie, Welcome, and you’re not going to like my answer. And that answer is a question: Why do you suppose that you are so attracted to a man who has demonstrated over and over that he CANNOT love you, and believes that himself? The only possible answer to that question is inside YOU – and I would encourage you to turn THAT around, instead of working so hard in every way to turn HIM around. He is not your man. He is your learning “place” – and I would like to ask if you are now done “learning” what does not work – and ready to move on to the dream of love you surely have? Of being loved by a man who CAN? If you don’t believe that’s possible – no one can help. This is in your lap to decide. Love, or not love…Love, Rori



  95.  #95Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    nyx!!
    Ohhh… my goodness…
    I love how you handle the family visits…
    Light hearted and loving and upfront…

    I’m going to do this more often…

    Thank you for sharing!



  96.  #96April Rose on June 17, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Why am I invested in and attached to a man who seems to have so little interest in me?

    (This question to myself was inspired by Rori’s answer to Katie)

    I get to play out a pattern. Push against an injustice. Cry, feel bewildered, squeeze my heart in anguish.

    I get to not get what I want. And then question what I want. For if this man suddenly came towards me with all his attention, I would feel claustrophobic and swamped.

    I do not want from him the very thing I crave from him.
    I cannot bear him witholding it.
    And yet I don’t think I would want it.

    Then I question – do I want it at all? From anyone?

    I like my freedom.

    I don’t want to be responsible for someone else.

    And, I don’t want my every move monitored.



  97.  #97Tereana on June 17, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    Indigo, by the way, I think you sound like you are doing great. It is definitely ok to not give up on someone. And even though your man’s issues affect you, you are not taking them on as “part of you” or reflective of you. That’s good. He needs support as much as anyone. So, don’t listen to me, if it doesn’t jive with you.

    I just hate hearing how you are in pain sometimes. But it’s a long process. And what I know about alcoholism as that it never really leaves you completely. It is normal for a person in recovery to have back-steps. And the compassionate thigh to do is to accept their struggle. Whatever that looks like.

    And you do “deserve better.” But I don’t mean that you have to find another man. Just that you deserve better from the man that loves you – if he loves you. And if you are not sure (I.e. Because the sex is missing) then that’s reason enough to take a small time for yourself.

    I don’t know why this issue has got me responding so much. I don’t even have direct experience with it, either way. But I somehow feel that I can relate.

    ((((Indigo))))



  98.  #98April Rose on June 17, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    His disinterest in personal closeness with me – what is the payoff?

    It feeds a belief in me that closeness and intimacy become stifling and feels bad.

    I don’t wish to believe that any more.



  99.  #99Tereana on June 17, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    Ah, April Rose – you have articulated some of my own feelings, at various times. I now observe this process, and I feel it differently. But that doesn’t mean it’s completely gone.

    I guess, for me, healing means being able to accept being in a relationship with someone that might tear me apart on a deep level, and be okay with that, because I’m ok with me, no matter what.

    And healing would mean choosing to allow someone to invest in me before I get emotionally “invested,” to know that they are “available” first and to choose to believe that I deserve the investment of their time, energy, love. Without question. My own love would respond, if I felt comfortable with them.

    Fear is what makes us do this. But we don’t always have to be afraid… (((April Rose)))



  100.  #100April Rose on June 17, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    I intend to open myself to new beliefs about intimacy.

    I choose to believe I can have a close personal relationship in which I feel seen and cherished, and with lots and lots of freedom and breathing space.

    It would feel good to breathe together with another human being. In shared air, shared dreams, and shared trust.



  101.  #101April Rose on June 17, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    Tereana,

    I feel touched and in awe at the profound nature of your comment.

    “… healing means being able to accept being in a relationship with someone that might tear me apart on a deep level…”

    Gosh…. I need time to feel my way through that concept.

    As for the investment of time and energy, he did all that first. Five years ago. It feels like, over time, it has dwindled away to nothing.

    Of course, if I broach the subject in any way, he puts it onto me that he sees that I “feel neglected” despite the fact that he loves me.
    I haven’t found a way to express that I need to feel his love through his actions. That I need him to show me that I matter to him.



  102.  #102Tereana on June 17, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    So I had a third date with a man. He is a bit older, but not crazy older. And he doesn’t look “old.” He is rather attractive. And he’s successful and has multiple cars, is going to buy himself a second vacation house…all that stuff. It’s not the “stuff” I’m interested in. Those are surprising things to me. Lol. And they make me feel my own situation that much more deeply. And I talked to him about it. It felt good to be open.

    He sees me as closed and guarded. And this is true. But sometimes I am just private and that’s who I am.

    Anyway, this was the first time he kissed me, and – oh dear.

    I still feel annoyed that some people seem to think that age and experience are always what accounts for great physical chemistry/pleasure with another person. It does NOT. It may educate a person, and it may not. And you can’t “teach” chemistry. Some people will simply feel better you for no particular reason. Some people who are virgins are absolutely wonderful in bed, and many hot people who have had lots of sex are boring or sometimes just plain unpleasant to be with. This it true. Equating age and experience with always feeling good, sexually, equals false.

    Ok, rant over. Lol

    So anyway, this guy is about the same age as S. About a year older, actually. And I did NOT like kissing him. I wanted him to. I find him attractive. But the feeling of it…ew. It was like all slimy and it made my stomach turn. He even kissed my neck and that felt slimy also. Yuck.

    But the thing is, he is NOT a bad guy. And I don’t even like him for his money. I like him because he is nerdy and smart and philosophical – like me. We can have intelligent conversation. His views on relationship are comparable to mine. He seems available and open and wanting to connect with me. Why can’t the kissing feel good???

    Waaaah, wah wah. Baby cry

    A has absolutely ruined things for me, I swear. Before him, was apparently ok with sub-par sex. But now, it must all feel amazing. And the only person I feel really amazing with is him. And yet he is dead set against marriage, against family, against all of that. I don’t want to change his mind, and I don’t want to give up my dreams. But I’m pretty sure I would be happy if he was the one making love to me every day for to rest of my life…Mmm….

    Dammit! S, what is wrong with you? Why can’t you just drop the BS and be my fricking sex partner forever? Lol

    Ok, that’s all.. Haha



  103.  #103Tereana on June 17, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    *S* has ruined things…



  104.  #104April Rose on June 17, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Oh, Tereana,

    I feel you. All that effort a lady makes going on dates, and then a rubbish kiss. Bummer.

    Stories like this make me want to have lots and lots and lots of different dates, tasting men like morsels at a banquet until that one top tasty dish is discovered….

    🙂



  105.  #105Zia on June 17, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    What’s news sirens?

    I am looking forward to the strip tease/lap dance I have planned for my bf for his birthday this week 😀

    I have been feeling so sexy and womanly since putting together the routine and practising it, and wearing pretty stockings and outfits….



  106.  #106Tam on June 17, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    Aw Indigo and Azure Blue, I love both of your posts!! And it’s so true, well, my clarity is that I want a committed relationship leading to living together/marriage with a man who wants me and wants the same thing, and with whom I feel good.

    Hence…I feel unsure whether he can come to the party. He *says* he wants a monogamous relationship with me, but his actions are kind of 50/50. His communication is 50/50.
    I don’t know if it is me expecting more, or if it is something holding him back, point is somehow to me it does not feel enough, and my intuition has told me all this time that for one reason or other this man is not ‘free’ for me. It makes no sense to speculate why, whether it is another woman (the ex), which is likely (but which he will deny), or whether it is himself and his own issues…he is 44 and has never been married and was in a 12 year relationship with the ex, who is now his ‘best friend’.
    I think all this is putting me off him.
    And yet, he treats me very well and we have a lot of fun together, he is a real gentleman and respectful, kind and generous. I feel that he is probably in love with me…but NONE of that matters if he is unable to give me the type of relationship/commitment that I desire….and honestly, this passivity MO he has, is just not rocking my boat.

    So yes, I shall ask him what type of relationship he wants and how the details look for him, and I will tell him that I feel unsure about our relationship and that I need clarity that we are on the same page and not ‘date’ like this for another 10 months…



  107.  #107Femininewoman on June 17, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Alexandra Fox

    “THEN you give him your SECOND big message after a few months:

    “I’m having a GREAT time with you… imagine the fun we’d have if we REALLY settled down together.”

    And boom! When he gets this message, it’s the moment of truth for him. He either settles down with you… or starts withdrawing and finding an exit strategy.

    If he settles down, great!

    But if he withdraws, then it’s likely he had no plans of
    making it a long-term relationship anyway.”



  108.  #108Tam on June 17, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Ooooh feminine woman. Boom indeed! 🙂



  109.  #109Millie on June 17, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    Katie 28,

    Your post struck a chord in me…I find your position to be similar to a position I used to be in. I enjoyed reading your progress with Rori’s tools. You sound so patient and open as well as very resilient. No doubt you have grown so much and I wonder where your growth with take you…up..up…and away from this man, I’m sure. Continue to grow, do not allow yourself to hold on to one twig when there is a forest of trees in your future. I know I have grown myself because I can recognize this in your situation so easily….this man’s unwillingness to love is a choice. He’s chosen it. He’s decided. I know it sounds very melodramatic that he’s done it because he’s been so hurt and now can’t bear the thought of opening himself up to being vulnerable and risk being hurt again. This man has a lot of inner work to do, and he’s choosing not to do it. He chooses to isolate himself, and just because he sees you once in awhile is no victory for you. I understand he does what you would consider a lot for you…and take this from me…maybe you don’t know what better feels like. Do you want to find out? Are you curious enough to wonder what could be beyond this?

    I used to be in a relationship with a man who played himself out to be wounded. He shut himself out from the world, he was a failure in his goals, he accepted in my opinion was a life of mediocrity. I thought my love could elevate him, but instead it brought me down with it, and I’m continuing to experience the aftershocks of it. How he “trained” me…
    You can inspire a man, but no matter how much you love him, if he hasn’t made a choice that he wants to overcome his fears and pain, then it is pointless. Additionally, I’m sure you want a man that is emotionally available, and willing to investigate himself, with a zest for life, who takes risks, who doesn’t believe all good experiences end in pain….At least, that is what I want. People like him hurt themselves, deny themselves, deny themselves pleasure and happiness, because they can’t get past that feeling of someone doing it to them. So they relive it…all the time. He won’t let himself forget….and there is nothing you can do about that.

    Katie, you sound so willing to explore and grow…I hope you continue to whichever path you choose.
    Love,
    Millie



  110.  #110Millie on June 17, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    I’ve been seeing, I’ll call him J.
    We are going on our fifth date tomorrow night.
    So far, I feel really good with him. He steps up!
    He is a gentleman and basically has almost all my “checklist” of qualities. He makes plans in advance, listens to what I want, and has a huge smile on his face every time I see him, or open my eyes after a kiss. Did I mention he’s hot? haha
    We are taking things slow, I haven’t slept with him yet, which is a new on for me…well, slow is a new one for me. I’m so enjoying the process….when sex is off the table, it feels so relaxing and it amps up the volume for everything else. I’m so proud of myself, for being open and using feeling messages, holding boundaries, saying No and never “going along” with anything. I feel very safe and secure in his presence. I’m open to dating other men, but there aren’t any in the rotation right now. There’s a few guys pestering me, but no one worth my salt.



  111.  #111Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Tam…
    Darling Siren… I love YOUR clarity!!!

    and I love what FW said shared BOOM!
    ;->



  112.  #112Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Millie.
    so happy to hear about your new cd… J…
    You sound so powerful… holding YOUR boundaries and using FM and saying NO!!



  113.  #113Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Zia,
    What a wonderful Birthday gift!!
    I remember you mentioning learning to lap dance and I looked it up on YouTube…
    How hot and sexy this sounds!!!
    :-}



  114.  #114Azure Blu on June 17, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Tereana #102…
    Not much worse than a squishy, wet kiss! UGH…
    Can you practice teaching him to do better?
    You’ve got nothing to loose…. :-\



  115.  #115Liquid Light on June 17, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Yay Millie!! Sounds awesome!



  116.  #116Veronica on June 17, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    Indigo 77 and Azure Blu 78 – Ohh my little girl is jumping up and down happy going really really. I’m still sick so it seems to me as though I’m driving around with a dirty windscreen. Thank you – I feel supported which means a lot to me. xx



  117.  #117Veronica on June 17, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Millie – 110 – How wonderful it feels to read this – I love the part about you feeling proud of yourself. Yay!



  118.  #118Veronica on June 17, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    TaurusCD sent a message saying that he was with someone now and couldn’t meet. At least he told me which is an improvement. I still feel rejected though, which I welcome. Sure, I wasn’t supposed to be with this guy – that’s fine, I get that; but now I wonder if I’m supposed to be more picky – of what I’d like in a man/partner. I did that with BM and so now I don’t know. Maybe ‘what I’d like in a partner’ plus ‘he adores me so much that there’s no doubt in my mind’ would be safer?

    It’s that I’m feeling concerned about me being an ‘until something else comes along’ prospect for these men. I believe that’s what happened with BM. I do stick around longer than I should – or rather I vacillate about trusting my feeling of ‘there’s a lag here’. Could I be that person who says openly ‘I’m not feeling a connection’ or ‘there’s a lag here that I’m feeling’ or ‘I don’t want to continue this’? That would mean that I was a ‘buffet’ woman : ) I do notice that there’s chit-chat and not ‘I’m interested in you’ talking.

    I’m also wondering if I’m not really putting who I am out there and so not attracting men who ‘fit me’.

    For now, I’m comfortable with noticing all this and not doing anything. I feel foggy with being sick.



  119.  #119Indigo on June 18, 2014 at 12:19 am

    Tereana,

    Again, thank you, but you are referring to Mandy’s situation, not mine 🙂



  120.  #120Indigo on June 18, 2014 at 5:35 am

    Liquid Light,

    It might be really helpful to draw some gentle boundaries with your parents. Maybe think in advance about what you want your relationship with them to look like, think about what they need, and try to come up with some kind of compromise between the two. That might help alleviate some of the guilt you are feeling.

    In case it helps, I certainly cannot remain engaged and connected all the time either, it is utterly draining and exhausting to me, and family gatherings seem to require so much of this, that I in advance set limits on my participation. I either decide how long I’m going to stay, or I promise myself that when I start to feel that “blood-boiling” feeling I’ll excuse myself, or whatever the case may be.

    The nice thing about being an adult around your family, not a child any more, is that you can decide on your own boundaries and limits. And your family does get used to them over time.

    xx



  121.  #121Femininewoman on June 18, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Millie you sound so confident



  122.  #122Femininewoman on June 18, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Katie – I WANT to prove to him that love IS real and that I’m here for the long haul.

    This might not be what you want to hear I know but I want to be honest and open with what I think about your story. A story which I have had in my own lifetime.

    Katie though this might be romantic in your mind what you are doing is setting yourself up to possible work on a mission impossible. Also if you try to prove this to him he is likely feeling disrespected because he has already communicated his position which is “He would NEVER allow himself to love again because it was too painful”. Believe him. Respect him.

    He might be able to believe love is real if you show him by find real love. Maybe with someone else. He already knows that with him love isn’t real. He has dug his heels in and know that neither you nor anyone else at this point in time can budge him. Staying with him will not prove to him that love is real.

    Being there for the long haul in my humble opinion is only proving to him how committed you are to hurting yourself. When you moved out he realized you might be willing to take care of yourself. He might understand that you are there for the long haul when you are living your life and he comes by once in a while and you still remain warm and open with him.

    Shutting out love out of your life and remaining in a toxic relationship with a wounded bear will not prove that love is real.



  123.  #123Tam on June 18, 2014 at 6:16 am

    And now, more proof of the feminine passive man. We were supposed to get together this week, on his suggestion. Maybe yesterday, maybe today. Yesterday suddenly he had to work late nd conversation slipped…I sent the last email at 4pm and not heard a peep since. Not one peep, call, text.
    I feel frustrated and think about cancelling this altogether. He will never change, this passivity/feminine attitude just drives me up the wall.
    He asked to meet. WTF.



  124.  #124Tam on June 18, 2014 at 6:18 am

    I decided not to meet if I haven’t heard by mid day.



  125.  #125Kyla on June 18, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Being handed a warm, fluffy towel from the dryer the moment I came back in from the rain was the best gift ever.. I feel cherished and protected.



  126.  #126Kyla on June 18, 2014 at 7:40 am

    I feel knotted up. Breathe. My body is holding tightness everywhere. Breathe.
    I feel overwhelmed with things to do, my brain feels all clogged and muddied with lists and reminders and worries. Breathe. One at a time.
    I feel low in energy, my legs are like lead, my eyes heavy and asking for more sleep. I will take myself to bed early tonight.
    I feel mad, my pulse beating loudly in my temples when I hear daughters disrespectful words and see evidence of her lies from this morning. I feel my hands tensing into tight fists, squeezing and holding me into ‘control’, my temper simmering into a slow boil. Breathe. It takes time to break bad habits, we are both trying our best and doing really well.
    I feel tears of frustration leaking from my eyes, lips trembling and heart aching with disappointment as my soon to be ex-boss passes my office. Breathe and send him love and let go.
    I feel a freshness, a cool trickling water sensation in my heart, like a mountain spring, where tightness and tension used to grip, now a feeling of ease, of space to breathe, of life and flow. My breathe feels deeper, slower.
    I feel hopeful and safe and peaceful. My body feels loosened, there is a little bit of slack in my tight muscles now, I feel cleaner, stronger, I feel my face cracking open into a wide smile. Breathe.
    Now pick one thing of my list and go!



  127.  #127Kyla on June 18, 2014 at 8:39 am

    After acknowledging and working with the tension I chose to complete a report that I’ve been delaying. It was easier than I’d believed, then a colleague came in to my office to provide me with 3 job contacts in Vancouver, another colleague brought me a coffee, I got emails on 2 difficult files saying that the matters had been resolved, I found the missing cheque, daughter called me from school to apologise for this morning and tell me she loves me, I thought of an easy solution to a problem that’s been bugging me and a friend called to invite me to lunch.

    I can feel the flow again 🙂 The tension is letting go a teeny bit more with each out breathe.



  128.  #128Kyla on June 18, 2014 at 9:01 am

    I am playing with flow and abundance and having fun with the way its presenting itself to me. I have been having regular synchronistic experiences and the most interesting are with strangers, children and especially homeless men. Suddenly everyone around me standing in lines, elevators, passing on the street is smiling back at me and making contact. I have been approached by several homeless men who had kind eyes, open faces and gentle speech. They stop briefly to talk, they tell me their story and thank me for listening and tell me how great they feel in my presence. And the energy I feel from them is pure happiness. I feel comfortable, warm, peaceful around them.. I do not feel awkward or guilty and afraid to make eye contact like I would have in the past. Each time amazingly I have had something that I could give them even though I never carry cash. The truly amazing thing is that each one who stops to talk to me has the answer to a question I’ve been asking within their story. I am aware and benefiting from a great sharing of love when I can stay present and open to the moment and not sleep walking through life lost in my self created woes. Life is becoming so much more interesting. I feel tingly excitement in where this is leading me. The adventure is expanding.

    Ok I’m finshed spamming now and feeling back to centre.



  129.  #129Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Tam #123…
    Darling Siren… this is sounding a lot like
    WORK!! :-\



  130.  #130Indigo on June 18, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Kyla 128,

    I feel very in awe of your story about homeless men, and of your openness and kindness. I would love to be more like that. I feel a bit terrified out in the world when strangers approach me, and I would love to be more open. I would like to practice that. Thanks for the inspiration.



  131.  #131Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 9:32 am

    FW #122
    I love what you said here!!!

    “Also if you try to prove this to him he is likely feeling disrespected because he has already communicated his position which is “He would NEVER allow himself to love again because it was too painful”. Believe him. Respect him.”

    I have done this in a previous relationship!!
    You are sooo right… How disrespectful to ignore what HE said to me…
    He was NOT ready to love again, or have a committed relationship…

    Azure B. i forgive you for being disrespectful to BK by NOT listening to what he wanted…
    pushing and controlling to get MY way…
    and then punishing HIM and ME for our relationship not working out like I WANTED!!!
    I feel very agitated, anxious and stupid for
    not being able to walk away the first time he told me that…
    But I had lessons to learn and he brought me to Rori…
    I choose to slather compassion all over MY heart…
    My heart that is sooo sad that my love for BK and BKs Love for me…
    wasn’t enough to keep us together.
    I choose to let go of this saddness…
    I choose to be here now…
    I make choices now that are worthy of MY love…
    because I LOVE ME very much!!! :->



  132.  #132RhymeandReason on June 18, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Hi Sirens ~ This is my first post. I’ve been following this blog for about a year now and must say I’ve learned some very valuable lessons from Rori’s program as well as reading comments. This is just a quick post to express my gratitude and introduce myself but I hope to participate in commenting in the future. Thanks you. 🙂



  133.  #133April Rose on June 18, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Indigo,

    I have been pondering the essence of your ‘venting’ (17) ever since I read it.
    I’ve been trying on your thoughts for size, in my own situation; my own attachment to a man who has great qualities but is not easy relationship material.

    “..does there not come a point where your love, your loyalty, for a person becomes stronger than your consideration for your own interests…”

    I beieve that my love for another person cannot be any greater than the love I have for myself, and that loving myself ever more profoundly is what will bring me the clarity I need in my relationships.

    Loving myself means making powerful choices. Making powerful choices means deciding a path which will give me the greatest chance in life for happiness (or self-expression, or service, or whatever I decide is my purpose).

    Making a powerful choice involves loss. Choosing one way involves walking away from and saying goodbye to another way. It has to. This is where I panic.
    If I choose myself, I may have to lose him. This feels like a huge trauma for me.
    Loss is my obstacle, my teacher, my life lesson.

    Loss has been huge in my life. It has made enormous holes. Healing it somehow – that must be my first move.
    I want to be able to make clear choices that are not sentimental. I hang onto people and things long past the necessary time.

    People are not ‘disposable’, as you say. But neither are they items to hang onto, when freeing them up may be what’s best for everyone concerned.



  134.  #134Hopeful on June 18, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Thanks for all the input. It is weird how you meet a guy and get one impression from him, but then get an entirely different impression as you get to know him. I feel like that is a really common theme for me as I start meeting me. Takes a while to really find out who a person is.

    I agree that this email relationship is not going anywhere either so whatever I do is irrelevant. And I made the mistake of emailing him first. Oh well, live and learn.

    I am a little burned out on dating already. So far all the men I meet are either too aggressive in their pursuit – just want a date to have a date – or – they won’t initiate plans. Or they are 15 to 25 years older than me and I am not up for that.

    And I am still recovering from all the drama of a divorce with an angry drunk and my tolerance for crap is low right now.

    I think I am just going to continue to go to group events and make friends with people – men and women. I will consider that my circular dating. I am done setting myself up for disappointment, and clearly I am not ready for it, because the disappointment is too depressing.

    However, I must state here that I am officially free now, for almost a month, after a lengthy divorce (9 months). To me, it was long because there are no kids and no alimony involved. Getting divorced from an angry man is very difficult. So many angry emails from him – mine were business-like. I listened to too many angry comments in front of lawyers, and stupid requests just to drive up my legal bills. And he trash talks me in front of our mutual friends.

    However, since we have no kids, at least I don’t have to have contact with him and I am thankful for that.

    I love being free. No angry man walking around criticizing me and telling me what to do, and I no longer have to be around a man who never wants to do anything that would make me happy.

    I love being free! Freedom feels great.



  135.  #135April Rose on June 18, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Azur Blu

    I feel touched feeling your sadness. And that your mutual love wasn’t enough to hold you together.

    The older I get the less I’m swayed by love, and the more I consider the practicalities!



  136.  #136April Rose on June 18, 2014 at 10:15 am

    ((((((Hopeful))))))



  137.  #137Hopeful on June 18, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Thought I would post this article link. It has some very interesting info in it. And some info that I had to learn the hard way. Hope some of you can find meaning in it and not have to learn these things the hard way.

    Always be true to your own passions and wants first. The guy comes second. Don’t morph into the person he wants you to be to keep the peace. If he is not bringing out the best in you, it is time to take a look at the situation and make changes. Enjoy.

    http://higherperspective.com/2014/04/10-things-give-relationship.html?utm_source=SS



  138.  #138katie on June 18, 2014 at 10:24 am

    and if a man says he can not love another, does he love himself?



  139.  #139Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 10:33 am

    April Rose #134
    (((hugs)))
    thank you for your sweet thoughts…



  140.  #140Dominique on June 18, 2014 at 11:02 am

    katie – 137 – He can love, for we are all born as love, BUT he’s buried it SO very deeply under layers and layers of hurt and pain that he cannot see it, feel it, touch it, taste it. Please believe him when he says what he does. To stay in this situation will only hurt YOU. You don’t want to hurt you, do you?

    xxoo



  141.  #141katie on June 18, 2014 at 11:15 am

    I was just hoping there would be one word of encouragement to stick it out. yes, hurting myself I guess. I was hoping there was a success story. I’m taking a break from him now. starting today. if he reaches out to me as he always does, it will have to be a lot harder of a grip for me to come back. Funny how one day I’m ok with it all and the next I’m just so hurt. Then he comes back, gives me a glimmer of hope and I’m back again like a stupid dog. The truth is painful. I will simply love him from afar. and when the right man comes along it’ll be easy to let go because he wasn’t the only thing out there taking up my time and attention.
    love is not a switch that you can turn on and off. I still remember the men I loved I high school.



  142.  #142katie on June 18, 2014 at 11:21 am

    And what if I stay…. how many years can I be waiting? if he’s 53, is that 10 yrs? stupid to punish myself, but worse case scenario… of the women who couldn’t let go.



  143.  #143Dominique on June 18, 2014 at 11:30 am

    katie – It’s okay to remember him and even love him in some way. But you really need to LOVE YOU first. And you do this by starting small, a kind gesture to yourself, patience, tender care.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  144.  #144Kyla on June 18, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Thanks Indigo! I started with practicing the eye contact and smiling thing with babies and expanded slowly to all strangers. I intend to be open and approachable and in feminine energy at all times. The homeless men thing has really surprised me though.. that and the ganster looking teen who told me about his mama last week. It has made me more aware/blown away more of my judgements. There’s always so much we take for granted being triggered for reassessment. I’ve been hiding from the world in fear of stranger danger most of my life.

    To get over shyness with strangers I use compliments, I say to the lady in line with me wow your hair is beautiful or tell the boy in front of me his tshirt is so cool. I still find 5 seconds eye contact too long and uncomfortable but I like to smile at everyone and compliment often. I prefer to listen than talk anyway so I really enjoy when the person beside me strikes up a conversation and I get to practice the tools and appreciate their response to being around me. Cding the world I guess 🙂



  145.  #145Turquoise on June 18, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I wanted to pop in and give a little update on pianoman…. we’ve been in pretty regular contact since March, and I would see him a couple times a month, but no talk about commitment or a future… and it was pretty much feeling like a booty call type situation, and it got boring to me. The last few times he texted me late, I just didn’t even reply until the next day. The funny thing is, the less into the situation I felt, the more room that gave him to think about how he felt I guess. Last week he invited the girls and I to go with him and his daughter to a carnival. He brought his 15 year old younger brother and the kids all had a great time. It was the first time I’d met his daughter… she’s very sweet. We got POURED on, but despite the rain and mud… had fun! He introduced me to people he knew that we ran into, and I did the same. That was Thursday. Saturday night he took me to get my new patio furniture. It took two trips and one set (I got a dining set and a conversation set) wasn’t put together even though it was supposed to be, but he offered to come over Sunday and put it together for me. He brought his daughter after they went golfing for father’s day, and she swam with my girls while he worked on that, and I was pretty busy getting ready for my dad to visit. I thought that was very kind, especially since he had his daughter. He often helps friends, he’s kind and generous that way. He’s really stepped up to help, has cut my grass several times for me this season…. and I haven’t done much. I haven’t cooked for him or paid bought him a gift. The one thing I have done, is text more to say good morning or make a funny comment, and that seems to keep the conversation going a bit more. He always replies, and he starts more conversations than I do…. so I feel good about it.

    I still don’t feel any kind of urgency…. not thinking about what may or may not happen. I feel very in the moment and busy with so many good things in my life. I don’t feel like I need any answers with him right now. Not all or nothing…. this is new for me. To just, be. I feel good. 🙂 No one new or exciting… online dating seems dull right now. But have some fun things planned with friends coming up, so excited about that!

    I hope all is well with all of you!!



  146.  #146Hopeful on June 18, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Katie – I agree with Dominique. I was married to a man who I believe did love me but there was so much hurt that he really could not show me love, or do anything that was loving. He was too focussed on managing his own pain. That is all he could do.

    And when he asked me for a divorce, he told me and HIS OWN MOTHER that the reason we were splitting up is because he is an a$$hole and no one can live with him. Too bad he did not realize this sooner and tell me. Though he did often refer to himself in the third person as the a$$hole.

    I agree with Dominique. If he tells you he can’t do it, he can’t do it. Take the good memories and lessons and move on. You need to take care of you first, and avoid a man who cannot give you want. It is better to be alone and happy that be with someone who leaves you always yearning for more.



  147.  #147April Rose on June 18, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    “…It is better to be alone and happy that be with someone who leaves you always yearning for more…”

    Ohhh, soft waves of sorrow ripple through my heart….

    How do I love the part of me who is addicted to yearning….. ?



  148.  #148Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Katie #140…
    (((hugs)))
    I feel for you and do understand your situation for I too have been there…!!!
    Hang in there and baby step by baby step practice LOVING YOU more than him… RR coaches help too!

    My guys name was BK and for the first year everything was sooo good and magical! He loved me and I loved him…
    and slowly he started pulling away and I began overfunctioning, chasing and breaking it off… then when I found Rori i started leaning back some… cding but still my heart was with him…
    same pattern of chasing, overfunctioning… then he’d break up… became clear to me that I was VERY frightened of emotional intimacy…
    I was in such a mental and physical upset I couldn’t stand it!!!
    baby step by baby step i practiced with my Modern Siren DVDs and Toxic Man Dvd…
    stalked this Rori blog… practiced allllll the tools.
    and began feeling MY feelings
    working on loving ME more than HIM
    and one fine day I woke up and realized
    I DIDN;T want CRUMBS anymore!!
    I wanted a tender loving, kind man…
    BK called me after the classic, 8 weeks…
    I let it go to voicemail and sent him a letter
    Saying… I wanted more and not to contact me anymore… that was 5 months ago!!!
    Finally, physically I feel good again and my
    mental state is soo good!!!
    I LOVE ME now and I thank BK for bringing me
    to RR and Siren Island!!
    PS. I am dating a really nice guy!
    Kind, tender, caring, generous and he adores ME!! :->



  149.  #149Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    April Rose…’
    Yes… my addiction to yearning…
    Ohhh… I am so happy to be reminded
    I have not felt that in over 6 months!!!



  150.  #150Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    Hopeful#133
    Congratulations on Your Divorce…
    I feel happy reading about your new FREEDOM
    and how you are choosing
    to CD yourself!!! :->

    I’m not certian but It sounds to me like you might want time to heal and slather YOURSELF with LOTS of LOVE!!!



  151.  #151Amazed on June 18, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    I know a man who needs to read this post for himself. .. lol



  152.  #152katie on June 18, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    Azure Blu

    8 weeks,huh?
    it’s only been a few days for me.



  153.  #153Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Katie… darling Siren…
    Yes… there were MANY times in the beginning when
    1 day felt like FOREVER to me!!!

    For me it looks like
    Now’s the time for YOU to start feeling YOUR feelings… baby steps….

    What does a good relationship look like to YOU?

    What kind of relationship do YOU
    feel YOU DESERVE?



  154.  #154Dominique on June 18, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Katie – Though these two articles don’t directly talk about your unique situation, there’s a lot here which may help you gain some clarity.

    http://sexandheart.com/are-you-with-a-toxic-or-commitment-phobic-man/

    xxoo



  155.  #155Dominique on June 18, 2014 at 2:11 pm


  156.  #156Azure Blu on June 18, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Dominique…
    (((hugs)))
    Thank you for sharing your amazing insights!!
    I don’t think I;ve read these…



  157.  #157Tereana on June 18, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    Indigo – oops. Lol. *mandy* sorry 🙂



  158.  #158Tereana on June 18, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    I guess what you said just made me think of her situation! (I.e. Mandy’s)…



  159.  #159Tereana on June 18, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    I don’t think I am going to “teach” this guy how to kiss. He is nearly 50 years old! And I don’t feel it as a problem of technique. It’s more an organic sensation of this is just how he feels. I want my body to like it, and yet…my body knows what it likes. And she likes S. And S likes her. And he is just being arrogant and renouncing the idea of ever being with anyone for the long term (grumble).

    He even admitted to me recently that he can’t believe he was such an A-hole to me when he could have been making love to be instead. Darn straight! Now, if he would just extrapolate that to all of life, I think we might be getting somewhere… ; )

    Meanwhile, he’s not exactly on the relationship track. I’m wondering if I should still give the (other) older guy a chance (he seems much older to me than S even though their age is only a year apart). He’s much more relationship oriented and he is a kind, gentle man. Who also believes in being “the man” and caring for the woman in his life…and he’s not too shy to dance. So that’s good. I wish the chemistry was there. With certain people, though, it just doesn’t feel right. Alas..



  160.  #160Ignis on June 18, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    @Dominique 142

    I woke up at 4.30 am because I dreamed about L, and it made me feel upset I use my time on a man that pulled away just two days ago. And I came here to find some inspiration, scrolled through the comments and stopped on yours 🙂 Talk about getting what you want. I gave myself a hug and feel thankful that he came and reminded me to love myself first.



  161.  #161luzydel on June 18, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    I got several emails for the new site; however people are too far away or too old for me… I don’t mind a 10 year gap, but anything older feels uncomfortable. I then wonder again about the “obsession” of finding love. what is so wrong with me right now that I need to find someone; I get all this conflicting feelings about being contempt on my own and needing a companion sometimes.

    I feel like I am so close to finding that hidden ingredient that would release me to total happiness and I won’t wonder anymore about being single or not. Maybe this idea that things have to last forever is keeping me from being totally open to men and trusting myself. I just want to release this knot inside of me so I can feel love freely without any expectations. That would feel so amazing…



  162.  #162Millie on June 18, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    I’m starting to see what “my stuff” is…
    The conclusions I jump to, my natural protective reaction over myself, where my anxiety stems from. The feelings surrounding “my stuff.”

    If I don’t hear from a man, my mind jumps to…he’s not going to call…he’s ignoring me…he’s going to stand me up…he’s going to cancel. All of this affects my vibe, but I’m realizing now, that these feelings aren’t due to anything anyone does, they are due to what is inside me and my past experiences with men. Each man is different and his reasons and behaviors are different. I also feel a violent urge to push a man away when I feel at risk of being hurt, when I feel vulnerable. That urge is really a manipulation, that I’ve become accustomed to feel and in the past have used instead of truly admitting how I feel and what I need. I see now that expressing your needs and wants in a relationship, is not needy. Needy is being unable to express your needs and using other methods to try to get those needs met. I catch myself now, when I’m using self-pity or the “push away” or accepting the past also be the present. It isn’t. The present is not the past. I also see how I wore myself down when I did not get what I want. Instead of communicating what I wanted, I withdrew and beat myself up. Now that I can catch myself, I can change my reactions.

    I’m also realizing what I want and that I want to express that!! I want a man who communicates often. I like to feel connected. I want to be in a relationship with a man who honors his word, no matter how small. If he says, “I’ll make coffee tomorrow” I want to see that coffee in his hands. To me, that shows he has integrity…with the smallest of things to the largest of things.



  163.  #163Ignis on June 18, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    @ luzydel

    Oh I too felt like I was missing some ingredient to feel that love. And It clicked for me just two days ago when I went through a break up, I somehow felt decided for me, for being ok with all those conflicting feelings because I trust myself I will not do any hear breaks to myself anymore. That I will love me no matter what. And it feels so hard at the moment actually to do that, but I feel so decided that whenever something feels bad I actually smite to it. I was doing the tools for over a year now, but felt I just missed some important piece of information along the way. And when this amazing guy showed up and after couple of weeks I started to overfunction, I knew exactly that I did it, and I couldn’t stop. And when he no surprisingly pulled away, then it clicked. I feel I finally gave myself a break. And it feels so new to just feel the sadness of being alone, and smiling to it. Maybe it is the first time in my life I do not have any man to hang on to, I have simply myself and that is enough for me to feel loved.



  164.  #164Ignis on June 18, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    @Millie oh this feels so familiar to me right now, it feels good to read it, like someone is naming what I was a bit afraid to name myself.



  165.  #165Liquid Light on June 18, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    I saw the man that I met a year ago right after my move when I was a total basket case. And my gut was right – he is newly single and mentioned that he had broken up with his ex in front of the group. It was nice to see him, sort of, but he threw water on my move and my new job which really didn’t feel very good at all. Ughh. Oh well.



  166.  #166Mandy on June 18, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    Is J healing?

    He is on Wellbutrin and cried himself to sleep last night. Is that a sign the medicine is bugging him or that he’s healing? It came out of nowhere…He said he felt sad and just cried silently while I held him.

    …..?



  167.  #167Millie on June 18, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    Thank you Ignis 🙂



  168.  #168Azure Blu on June 19, 2014 at 1:16 am

    Tereana,
    This nice guy sounds like a good man to practice being with… who knows what this may bring up for you?

    My new cd, MN, is similar and in the beginning (a month and a half ago) I didn’t feel any chemistry either…
    I kept seeing him because when I was with him I felt accepted for me… He planned dates, talked easily, was generous and brought up for me some things I needed to see in myself… One of which was MY FEAR of emotional intimacy (I am pracaticing unzipping my heart and just being there with him)
    I continue seeing him and am really feeling a little more chemistry…
    because of his integrity, strength of character…
    He does what he says he’s going to…
    He doesn’t lie…
    his kisses have improved, and he is showing more of a since of humor lately!!! Yay!!

    I’m learning how it feels to be with a man who isn’t triggering my insecurities, no chaos, no yearning…
    all my old addictive behaviors!!
    Mmmmm… this is feeling very NEW!! which is bringing up all kinds of ANXIETIES!!! (:-0



  169.  #169Azure Blu on June 19, 2014 at 1:24 am

    Turquois,
    Thank you for sharing a lovely couple of weeks with pianoman and your daughter and family and friends…
    YOU leaning back and just being…
    with no urgency… such powerful vibes!!



  170.  #170Beautiful on June 19, 2014 at 1:25 am

    I meet This guy Lást year we dated and I felt into an imaginary relationship with him for a month that was july of Lást year I was in a summer vacation in DC we meet each other and became friends we dated and I assumed we were in a relationship but he stoped me and saíd we were not. He told me he did not want to engage in a long distance relatiomship but I was already deeply in love with him, never took his no, i felt rejected and wanted to make things happen. Started gettinh jelous and even attacked This girl he was flittering with in front of me two days before I moved back to my city houston, i lost my self completly. I dont know how it happened. During the month we dated I was staying at his apartment because he is halph brother of one of my Cousin and he was the one who took me in because I knew nobody in DC área and after a month we started dating and felt into This romance I took as a relationship. But he never did. We never hád sex but Many times we sleep togueter I sleep in his arms it felt safe good he was such a great man a gentleman I couldnt help but melt in his arms and than I found out we were not in a relationship I got frustrated. We started widrawing even before I moved bank because we were not in the same page he is my age we are both 23 . I know young but I am in love with him till today after a year. He never called me for over10 month but i been calling him once ir Twice a month every month he always picks up and is Nice and charming and sweet but he never initiates any contact i am hurt confuse tied and feeling desperate after I attacked him Lást month may 24 with a voice message i left telling him how desappointed I was for being the only one reachinh over if i was the only one that cared about This friendship we built during Lást summer since is te only thing left. He never replied It’s been a month he never called and I dont see him movimg forward to reach out to me is just like now that I started doing the relationship will eventually die because Seems like I am the only one that cares. I feel very sad. Plus next month I am going to DC again and I will spend a month overthere I dont know if I should reach out to him. My heart wants to but is fighting mind that tell me to stop reachimg after him. I am lost in my own yhough Please help



  171.  #171Indigo on June 19, 2014 at 1:47 am

    April Rose 132,

    I agree with you. It is why, even though I loved my ex-husband deeply, I somehow found the strength to let him go because he wanted children and I did not. I have let go of many friendships and relationships which had run their course, and were no longer serving either of us. I felt sadness, but I moved beyond it and moved on.

    But what happens when you meet someone where this is not possible? I don’t want to project onto your situation, but from your words I get that you have a sense of what I mean. Where you *know* you would be willing to hurt yourself and endure a lot of discomfort and pain because of your love for them. Walking away doesn’t seem possible, no matter how many times you entertain it. It is not easy for me to admit this, it doesn’t sound very evolved or sireny, but yeah.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on June 19, 2014 at 6:24 am

    Hope this is helpful to someone

    Feature Article: Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing

    By Dr. Bob Huizenga

    Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing
    Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.

    So…there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.

    “Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?”

    Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:

    1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.

    2. You find yourself surprised. “Hmmmm, this hasn’t happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!”

    3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.

    4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.

    5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.

    6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.

    7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!

    8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.

    9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.

    10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.

    11. Words such as: “I promise. I’ll try. Or, I’m going to…” are NOT in his/her vocabulary.

    12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.

    13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world.

    14. There is good eye contact.

    15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.

    16. You worry much less about what will happen next.



  173.  #173Kyla on June 19, 2014 at 7:41 am

    Owww I feel deep concern and a mothering instinct to advise against and protect being triggered by reading some of the posts on the last few threads. I want to say STOP, NO, OPEN YOUR EYES, TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! Owww my heart aches wanting to advise those who have not asked for any advice. It feels painful to read. I feel great compassion and understanding for the places that they are in, I’ve been there too 🙁 I feel helpless and sad that I cannot prevent their pain. I feel love and sadness when I remember the people that tried to protect me from my pain when I wasn’t ready to hear it and I hurt them deeply by rejecting their help and making them watch my pain unfold 🙁
    I feel powerless and bound. I want to both turn away and reach out. Sending love to all and wishing a happy, healing outcome in all situations.



  174.  #174Azure Blu on June 19, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Ingis #162…
    Lovely Siren!! :->

    Mmm… i feel excited reading all the changes you are doing for YOU!!!
    Loving YOU… pausing and listening to YOU
    WITHOUT a man…
    That feels to me like YOU slathering YOU with
    much Tenderness and careing….



  175.  #175Dominique on June 19, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Ignis – 159 – Awesome, yay you!!!

    xxoo



  176.  #176Ignis on June 19, 2014 at 9:58 am

    It feels so good now, i sit and drink beer with my ex ex ex who is my best friend actually hihi and we talk about changes we both make now. And he too told me that my missing link in all the work I did on myself was to stop thinking I miss something in myself. It feels so funny and easy.

    Thank you Dominique and AzureBlu for encouragement, it feels powerful 🙂



  177.  #177April Rose on June 19, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Indigo,

    What I would really like to do, deep down in my heart, is buddy up and riff with you here.

    I agree that we both ‘endure’ a certain amount of ‘pain’ in the name of our love for a person.

    I do not want the words ‘endure’ and ‘pain’ to be a part of the vocabulary of my happy ever after love match.

    What about you?
    Wanna search for a breakthrough with me?

    (((((Indigo)))))



  178.  #178Liquid Light on June 19, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    I got a professional photo shoot done last week and just got back the photos. They turned out great — credit goes to makeup artist and photographer. I used a Groupon Boudoir and asked if they could taylor shoot to online dating profile rather than boudoir and she did. I highly recommend doing this because they have the studio, lights and professional services. Totally worth it!!



  179.  #179Tam on June 19, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    169 indigo. There comes a time when your self love is to the level that you are so centered and loving of yourself, that letting go a man who causes pain and anguish, comes natural and is no effort. I found this can’t be forceed. The more we love ourselves, the less time we naturally give these men, no matter how much we knce thought we loved them. In my experience it was not love but me staying stuck in the pain and the ‘if only’.
    I found that a man I once thought i loved and caused me to feel a lot of pain and hurt actually does n’t arouse any feeling in me anymore. Just neutral. Like a neighbour I say good morning to.



  180.  #180April Rose on June 19, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    Oooh, Helena,

    I just read your e-mail newsletter, and this part really spoke to me (is it okay if I copy and paste your words here?)

    “If you can get it into every cell of your body that the right man for you would treat you fantastically and do ANYTHING to be with you, you wouldn’t accept anything less.

    You wouldn’t want to waste your time on a man who’s unsure about his feelings for you. You’d just put yourself in an available place for a man who REALLY wants you and who would do anything to be with you.

    The right man will want to be with you with absolutely no prodding or convincing from you! ”

    Thank you Helena. I feel a deep-gut satisfaction allowing your words to resonate with me.



  181.  #181Femininewoman on June 19, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh



  182.  #182Rori Raye on June 19, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Rhyme – Welcome! Love, Rori



  183.  #183Rori Raye on June 19, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    Beautiful – Please stop thinking about this man. I would encourage you to get private coaching from one of my Certified Coaches – and if that’s impossible, to at lest get the ebook for $20 – or really read all the newsletters you get and the posts here. You are not so young for love – you are simply very naive and inexperienced. You don’t understand men or relationship at all. Even a good man will take everything you offer – and it doesn’t mean ANYTHING!!! A man who cares for you is OBVIOUS! You can’t not see it. Look for THAT…not for a man you’re attracted to to “come around.” Not going to happen that way. Even in fairy tales and romance novels, the hero is smitten with the woman, and we all know it. Do not go anywhere with a man who isn’t smitten with you. Love, Rori



  184.  #184Tam on June 19, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    183 – love that post by Rori. It’s so obvious and yet when we are attracted to someone, this basic principle often goes out of the window. I have to say, I no longer go anywhere with a man who isn’t smitten with me, physically or emotionally. Life got so much better.



  185.  #185Tam on June 19, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Meaning I don’t even feel physically or emotionally overly attached to a man who doesn’t seem to be into me enough to be clear and feel good to me.



  186.  #186Tam on June 19, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    oh I keep mis-typing..not attached, ‘attracted’. LOL



  187.  #187SunflowerRosa on June 19, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I really need some helpful input when marriage is already sort of on the table but I feel like Im in an imaginary relationship, I am a Rori Raye follower and have been for several years, and her tools have worked incredibly well that I got the man I wanted and I even got engaged but left him 20 days before our wedding last July because he couldnt control his emotional and verbal abuse when he got angry.

    I have been dealing with a lot of guilt ad anger this entire year as he made me feel horrible for leaving him to make a short story short it was not a pleasant or clean breakup. ad I ahve bee aviding my major guilt and this has made me defensive, but becoming less so as I have been healing myself through EFT and the Sedona method, which I HIGHLY recommend for you sirens out there. Incredible success, I have only started touching my guilt and releasing it bit by bit.

    Fastforward to May, I got a call from one our distant relative who had expressed in the past that I marry her son ( I live in a country where arranged marriage doesnt exist anymore but sometimes parents like to introduce their kids to each other with marriage on the table).

    So this lady kept harassing my mother, please I hope she accepts she has to say yes, and I was very hesitant at first but then I said, sure Ill get to know him. This guy took about two weeks to FB friend me saying only ” do you know who i am, i know you a little bit, lol, i hope you ad the family are doing good” so i replied a few days later saying, ” Im doing great, thank you, I dont know who you are, but you might be the son of this lady”

    It took him eleven days to respond and he was still very casual saying “wow youre a good guesser and how did you know, I hope youre doing good, talk to you later” still very casual adn not showing interest at all, which is bothering me, The day his reply, I had unfriended him, one because I felt rejected it took him so long and that he was soooooo casual in his first message, secondly I was unsure if it was him as he didnt introduce himself and I didnt want some random dude from my town in my list seeing my photos and such.

    So, Id like to know how to respond I was thinking of a feeling message in about two weeks, saying “I felt uncomfortable having someone i didnt know on my friends list so I removed you. I am feeling pretty good, I only new who you were because of your mothers contact, I hope you and the family are doing good” Its just so weird to be in contact with a guy who isnt showing me initial strong interest, is he afraid of scaring me off, or what?

    I cant help but think that I am getting attached to this “imaginary” relationship because the marriage talk came first, or is it because of my old breakup….

    Any insight would help. Thanks everyone.



  188.  #188Tereana on June 19, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    Azure Blu – 168 – that’s a great thought! I forgot – I can just “practice.” : ) I guess the only thing is, “practice” can sometimes turn into one or more parties getting attached. I suppose it could be worse…

    Meanwhile…I keep having this intuitive-feeling knowledge that I am the “right person” for S and that he is saki the right person for me, except for the fact that he doesn’t accept yet that he can even be in a relationship. And this, I imagine, would be part of his healing (I almost wrote “my healing,” which is also true). But I can’t “heal” him. My only job is to heal myself, to focus on me, to do what makes me happy, and the right man will be gravitating toward me. Right now..

    It’s easier said than done to always do what makes me happy. I am focusing on possible magic…and practical miracles. All of life is miraculous. Here we are.



  189.  #189Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    I wana stop beating myself up for getting all invested into this guy and for doing the masculine energy stuff that prevented me from being protected from being invested.

    whew

    that felt good to write at the end when i translated my beating up words



  190.  #190Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    thank you for the inspiration Liquid Light!



  191.  #191Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    ooooh Kyla i feel such a safety to do that too and release seeing your post on your pain and triggeredness reading…

    thank you thank you brave soft Siren



  192.  #192Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Rori’s words feel so supportive to myself in her comment here



  193.  #193Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    oh Andrea I feel so inspired by that Pomona story!

    but but but…

    right now im craving touch and companionship, and i feel lonely

    and i feel so frustrated that i don’t know how to create that for myself on demand

    and i feel so mad at myself and now i feel like crying!

    yay

    and now i didn’t cry cuz i felt so surprised

    and now i feel a bit happy 🙂 and smily!

    hehe 🙂

    yaya!!!!

    thank you Andrea



  194.  #194Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    I feel so frustrated that I like other people DON’t FEel good alone!

    part of taking care of myself is making myself available so i DONT feel alone when i dno’t want to be!!!

    urrrargh!

    i feel so frustrated with myself for not having the skills to do this!

    i feel judgemental of myself

    thus reminds me of middle school



  195.  #195Daria on June 19, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    thanks Moving Magic

    i felt really triggered when that new gf actually flipped out on me

    bec she had gotten her house ready and i canceled 3 hours ahead….

    i eflt bad =- kudos for me for saying OUCH and yet still apologizing

    and also now i feel unsure of attending her class i hope it doesn’t feel uncomfortable bec i felt so excited about what i was learning in that class and how it was benefitting my health



  196.  #196Daria on June 19, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    i just send some passive agressive shit to the guy im into, oops

    then i called and he didn’t answer

    i wanna just stop answering him, cuz i feel its gona waste my time, even tho i like him a lot

    i also don’t totally want to move on cuz i was feeling good and excited about a new sexual partner…..

    i feel disappointed 🙁

    i don’t want to beat myself up about how i set myself up for this, how i’ve been in these circumstances so many times over the years and setting up the logistical basics this way (him not driving to me) – the eye roll is punihsing me i dont want to do that –

    will result in less motviation for him no matter how much he likes me or swears he does

    feeling upset rememeberin gM Man who i just cussed out for this reason afeter so many years

    of hoping

    i still dont wanna beat myself up

    thank you Eye roll

    thank you sadness

    feeling cryii



  197.  #197Beautiful on June 19, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Thank You very much rori I got yours All colletion I will start hearing and Listening and doing All the necessary work to heal my self and gain some wisdom from You. I am indeed naive and unixperienced the faster I learn it can save me time down the future . Thank You rori very much this massage gave me strengh to follow my guts. Some where inside me I really feel he doesnt care I am infatuated with an ideia imaginery love I believe só that hás bringing me alot of pain



  198.  #198Ignis on June 19, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    I woke up way too early again feeling sad and wanting to cry. But just at the point of tears showing up I though, wait a second, do I really feed sad now? And I just felt anxious because I have no man to hang onto and that feels so lonely. And then the cat came and sat on my lap and it was ok again.

    I found the get him back boot camp, and I renamed it love yourself boot camp and added all of my fav tools there and I feel excited to see where 7 days can lead me.



  199.  #199Ignis on June 19, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    I feel urgency to write to him, I wonder if I should delete him from FB so I don’t feel tempted. He said he doesn’t feel anything and I do not want to be friends but I feel guilty deleting him, what would you sirens do?



  200.  #200Amber on June 19, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    I’ve been reading comments lately and not commenting myself. I just want to say, thank you all for sharing. Reading your stories helps keep me grounded when I’m allowing my emotions to scatter. I love myself. I keep going back to that. I love myself and I AM ENOUGH.
    Special thanks to Dominique for sharing her article on dating commitment phobic men. Mine is, and as I’m heavily invested after almost two years, I can’t bring myself to just sever ties with him. I’ve realized that I don’t have to do anything drastic. I can just lean back and love myself. Eventually I’ll be so bored that I won’t think about him at all, if he doesn’t step up. I love him very much, and I appreciate all of the healing he has triggered in my life, but I FINALLY love ME most. Still, grand gestures don’t appeal to me, and I will continue to appreciate the triggers he brings to the surface, and practice responding appropriately. When I start feeling desperate I will hang out here with like-minded, lovely women who share my relationship goals.
    Cheers!



  201.  #201Indigo on June 20, 2014 at 12:09 am

    April Rose 177,

    Thank you for the hugs x

    I agree, I also don’t want “endure” and “pain” to be part of my vocabulary when it comes to my forever love.

    I would very much like to riff with you to get to the bottom of this.

    I have been thinking about it the last couple of weeks, because there is something in me which is attracting this kind of pain, a pattern in me. I have been focusing on my own healing. I do believe this healing is the reason, the purpose, for the love – something powerful enough to call my attention to those spots within myself which need my focus and which need healing. I look at how far I’ve come already and I know this is true.

    I don’t want pain and hurt to be part of my love relationship, and I don’t believe they have to be. But I believe they are coming up for me for a reason.

    When I visualize my forever relationship with my forever man – I visualize a situation which is peaceful and calm. Filled with gentle knowing, quiet security of the fact that I am loved. I visualize being on the same wavelength as my man, being able to communicate most of the time so that there is rarely misunderstanding. I dream of being wrapped and enfolded in warmth from morning till night – yes, I may have my own personal struggles, but they will not be to do with the relationship. The relationship, my man, is my safe place, my sanctuary, my soft peaceful place that I always long to return to.



  202.  #202Ignis on June 20, 2014 at 12:23 am

    Oh haha this is so cool! I was there in my desperate place wondering if I should do something “delete him from FB”, but I thought about what am I really doing and found out it’s my desperation speaking. So I stopped. Now I feel good again. This feels so amazing, it takes a lot of work and will but it works for me, I can get myself from miserable to good in minutes.



  203.  #203Zia on June 20, 2014 at 12:31 am

    Doing a lapdance/strip tease for the first time ever tonight…. excited and nervous!!!!



  204.  #204Zia on June 20, 2014 at 2:01 am

    aaand now im more nervous than excited, lol. EEEK



  205.  #205Kyla on June 20, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Jumping off “pain”..
    For me pain is a symptom of guilt or shame, its a punishment that I am unconsciously seeking to compensate for the guilt. Pain serves me by putting me in the victim role where I can pretend the source of my pain is coming from an outside source that I can blame. It forces me to comfort myself and seek comfort from others when I feel I need an excuse or reason to be loved, pain leads me back to love. The intensity of the pain is indicating the level of my resistence to feeling the emotions inside me, holding on tight to pain in an attempt to block out the feelings underneath but instead pain forces them to the surface. Pain tells me I’m refusing to forgive myself and let go of whatever is in me that feels awful so that I can feel the love. The pain is saying I’m feeling unworthy of love until I’ve somehow suffered enough and earned the right to feel it again. Pain is my best friend, it refuses to let me ignore the feeling inside me that wants to be healed, pain forces me lovingly to acknowledge the parts of me I reject, surrender to them, accept them and release the resistence so they can flow and heal. Pain is an alarm bell that tells me I’m wounded and what is causing the pain is an indicator of where the wound is inside me, I need to stop, listen to what its trying to tell me, find the wound, clean it and dress it and allow it to heal.



  206.  #206Veronica on June 20, 2014 at 9:54 am

    I was in a store today and witnessed how repressing emotion affects other people. A woman was feeling frustrated and dejected and wasn’t saying it, but I could feel it. And instead, from her pain I believe, said some sarcastic comments. I have no judgement of her or anyone else, instead I understand being in that space. After she left, I could sense that the man helping her was feeling that pain and described himself as being stressed. I *know* that if she had said ‘I feel so frustrated and dejected’, the people around her would of had compassion and kindness to show for her. But everyone became blocked/stuck and no-one was to blame, just a heaviness that now a few people were bearing.



  207.  #207Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 9:56 am

    I found this in the archives… It was a gentle remainder I need to always remember…

    From Rori:
    “Reduce His Importance So He Makes You MORE Important
    Here’s how to do it. First, stop revolving your life around him. That means no scheduling around him, no making plans around him, no watching what you say and don’t say, no trying to make him happy or make him love you, no “nice” and no “understanding” when something he does or doesn’t do makes you unhappy.
    The second thing to do is to make someone else important in your life. And that’s you. One easy way to do this is with a Tool I call Out The Window.
    “We keep our men always moving toward us by reducing their importance in our lives.”
Reclaim You: Look Out The Window
Look out a window and imagine what it is that you love (aside from him).
    Imagine the love in your heart – all that energy and sweetness and passion – going out the window to that thing you love. This might be painting, or the beach, or giving to those less fortunate, or helping people in your special, unique way. Really contemplate what it is that you love about this thing, how it has enriched your life, and what it is that makes it special to you. Notice how it makes you feel centered and with a sense of purpose.
    Suddenly, you’ll realize that there’s a lot more to your life than this one man, and you will feel your personal power flooding back to you. Instantly re-shifting your focus like this works like magic whenever you feel your thoughts drifting toward any one man and what he’s doing, thinking, or feeling.”



  208.  #208Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 9:59 am

    Zia…
    Can’t wait to hear how your sexy, sensual, hot lap dance went last night?



  209.  #209Helena Hart on June 20, 2014 at 10:12 am

    April Rose – 180 – Thanks for sharing that! I’m so glad my newsletters have been helpful for you!! 🙂

    Love, Helena



  210.  #210Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Kyla… Thnx for sharing this… very helpful for me to read about pain…



  211.  #211April Rose on June 20, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Kyla,

    I feel intrigued to read that for you pain is a symptom of guilt or shame.
    Maybe I haven’t had the same realisations yet.
    Sure, guilt is painful.
    And yet, and yet, the pain I’m experiencing is loss. Someone dear, so dear, was there. And then they were not.
    There is confusion and disbelief, and a physical wrenching. I know I did nothing wrong. So therefore I must BE wrong. Nothing I can do about that except go on with life believing I am somehow deformed and unlovable.



  212.  #212April Rose on June 20, 2014 at 10:31 am

    So then, when someone new tries to love me, I think “you idiot, do you not see how rotten I am? There must be something wrong with YOU, if you think you love this wretched creature that I am”.



  213.  #213Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 10:40 am

    I was VERY proud of ME today…
    I’m pating myself on the back!

    MN had misrepresented (lied) about his trip up north with his son… “He Couldn’t change days (I couldn’t see MN on Tues BUT I could on Friday) cause his son had taken a day off to go and help MN on the house…”

    We talked today and he mentioned his son was still working… AND
    instead of me ignoring the inconsistency of this comment (which i used to do with other bfs) I said
    “I remeber you telling me your son took today (friday) off to go with you..”
    He: “No, no… you must of missunderstood”
    Me; “no… You did say that he took the day off from work so that is why you couldn’t reschedule and go out with me”

    I took up for ME!! yay!!!
    I got quiet as we talked about other things and
    he mentioned i was quite…
    Me: I feel uncomfortable and confused about the story changing about your son”

    We then discussed that I feel he puts pressure on me to see me during the week (and complains and whines when I can’t see him)…
    Me: I feel soooo good that you LOVE to see me alot!!
    But is NOT willing to rearrange his weekends to see ME…
    People work during the week and weekends are best for dating!!
    Me: I am hoping that this relationship will work!
    He said he wants US to work also!!

    I LOVE how i am NOT pretending to MAKE things work with him>>>
    I feel Vulnerable by sharing what I need and what I see happening…
    I am watching with open eyes AND open heart!!!
    This is sooo GOOD for me!!



  214.  #214Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Ignis #201
    ((hugs)))
    NOT reacting in desperation…
    That feels to me soooo POWERFUL!!
    Waiting, and listening to YOUR feelings!!

    NOT doing something is sometimes MORE difficult than doing something!



  215.  #215Mandy on June 20, 2014 at 10:48 am

    If anyone could give some insight it would be helpful….

    My man cried himself to sleep the other night…He’s never cried himself to sleep before. He’s just gotten back on antidepressants and stopped drinking heavily. Is it possible he’s coming out of his shell as far as having the substance protect his feelings, then when not having the substance, he feels, and maybe heals? Still no sex for five months here, although I just crave to be with him and am very much happily in love and don’t want to leave. He’s been through a lot and this may be a sign things are changing. Thing are definitely going in the right direction and we’re moving to a bigger apartment, out of our little cubby hole studio…

    Any feelings on this?



  216.  #216Liquid Light on June 20, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Azure 212 Wow, I felt great reading your post! I love how you handled the situation and that you didn’t sweep it under the carpet. You addressed the issue and it sounds it has opened up the potential of you both learning about each other and growing together!



  217.  #217Kelly on June 20, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Hi,
    So i recently watched the Siren program, and it was helpful, and now i just got the have the relationship you want program. Both have useful info in them! Thank you Rori!!
    But I have a question that isn’t covered in either program, so I’m hoping you can help!!!!
    I’ve been seeing this guy off and on for a year now…and I’m head over heels for him, but he’s one of those guys that says he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship…I’ve done all the wrong things with him…such as chasing him, doing for him, and making myself to convenient…but now I see that I need to stop and why. The question i have now is…I feel that I owe him an apology for emasculating him, and for a question I asked him as to weather or not he was using me…should I write him a letter to say I’m sorry, or just let it go? I’ve stopped doing the other no no’s, and even started to date others, but i know what my heart wants, even if i don’t get it with him.



  218.  #218Veronica on June 20, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Azure Blu – 212 – Yay! I usually withdraw when situations like that happen. Reading what you said – it feels courageous – yay to you!



  219.  #219Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 11:56 am

    LL…
    I feel pride reading your praise!! thanx!
    I think you’re right… it did feel like it brought us closer and we learned more about each other and how we negotiate issues…
    :-}



  220.  #220Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Veronica…
    Thanks so much for your words of encouragement!!
    oxoxo



  221.  #221Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 11:58 am

    LL…
    I feel excitement reading about your proffessional photo shoot!!
    I’ve always wanted to get one… i’m going to watch Groupon for a similar promotional!!



  222.  #222Veronica on June 20, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    OwlCD is becoming more pro-active, planning our meetup and offering to drive to me even though it is really out of his way.

    I feel happy for him that he’s stepping up. I feel giddy that a man is offering to drive to me and planning everything – it gives me hope that being a siren does work. I also feel slight panic – I don’t want to be trapped into anything – when a man does something for me I feel nervous that he’ll have expectations of me. I need to trust – I’m still not attracted to him and so I feel uncomfortable as though I’m undeserving of all this.



  223.  #223Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    April Rose#211
    ((((hugs))))
    and then are you giving yourself
    Soft, gentle, warm, safe arms wrapped around
    the wretchedness you are feeling?

    Ohhhh… gentle Siren
    YOU are ENOUGH… just like YOU are.
    Beautiful, Courageous, Adorable
    A Bright Light for all of us!!



  224.  #224Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Veronica… #220
    Wow… All this with YOU and OwlCd is sounding very good…
    I was feeling alot of this with MN and I keep telling myself I DO deserve this attention and it is truely important to My life to practice with a man who wants to be with ME!

    I’m not sure if this is helpful for you…
    Dominique has a post about trust I love!!!
    http://sexandheart.com/trust/

    AND Roris thoughts from archives which I was reading this week….

    “If you trust YOURSELF with a man, he will trust YOU.
    Now…this is very different from insisting that YOU trust HIM. And I know this is hard to get, because trust seems like it has to be a given in a good relationship – and it does. But it doesn’t begin with you trusting him.
    It begins with you trusting you.
    It begins with a sense that no matter what he does or says, you’ll be okay. It begins with him getting that you will not tolerate bad behavior, garbage, mistreatment, neglect, or any form of abuse or disconnection.
    And the REASON you can trust yourself not to tolerate bad behavior is just that…you trust yourself!
    And then, it makes it possible for you to be yourself around him. You can be warm, open, loving and easy-going with him.
    Why Trusting Yourself Brings Him Closer
    If you so completely respect and accept yourself, you’ll automatically respect and accept him – exactly the way HE is.
    And he instantly “gets” that you respect and accept him.
    Your intention to be exactly who you are in his presence – no matter what – not only completely turns him on, it makes him feel manly and accepted and trusted all at the same time.
    And that’s when he becomes trustworthy.
    That’s when you begin to trust him. And that’s how a great, deep, and connected relationship gets created.
    So much of this depends on the words you use. They have to be not only respectful and communicate simply – they have to be true!”



  225.  #225Kyla on June 20, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    ((((April Rose)))) I’m so sorry for your grief and loss.

    For me feeling wrong, unloveable, wretched and rotten would be coming from shame and guilt somewhere inside me that I am unworthy, undeserving, not good enough and unforgiveable. It would be pushing away love for fear that it will be taken away from me once my mask slips. I would be choosing pain over feeling the love because I believe that that is all I deserve and that is all I will ever get.

    The truth is that I could never withhold love from a child no matter what they did. I would without second thought scoop them up and comfort them, dry their tears, restore their confidence and make their world bright and full of possibility again and show them the endless love that surrounds them always. I need to find that same compassionate soothing, healing, forgiving love for myself too.



  226.  #226Kyla on June 20, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Azure Blu you brave beautiful lady for calling him out on the inconsistency! So inspiring and fearless and confident 🙂



  227.  #227Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Kyla
    Ohhh… I feel all smiley and proud reading that!!
    Chest puffed out…
    Thnx!
    (:=>



  228.  #228Rori Raye on June 20, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Sunflower – welcome – and the problem isn’t him – it’s your attachment to something that is actually “nothing.” A “perhaps, maybe, introduction to someone.” Of COURSE he’s not responding hugely! Who would! His mother is pushing him. My first thought would be to check your FB page. Is it actually “man-friendly”? If not – if it’s full of random stuff and unflattering photos – I’d make sure NO ONE ever gets to your FB before a long email conversation with you – OR a good look at your match.com page – which you SHOULD have up!!!! (Yes, I’m “should-ing you!) Love, Rori



  229.  #229Kyla on June 20, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Daria I am sitting hear beaming with pride and happiness reading your comment to me. Thank you bella! And I owe you a huge thank you for my relationship with Ninja too. When I was feeling beaten and wanted to close my POF account you shared your worry with me that giving up on CDing was the opposite of what I needed and the gentle way you shared that touched me deeply and made me think again. I had already cancelled on him twice but I took your advice to heart and accepted to downgrade our date to a quick coffee after work rather than blow him off again. I am indebted to your gentle wisdom. All my love xoxoxo



  230.  #230Rori Raye on June 20, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Kelly – I remember your letter – I think I answered it already…do NOTHING!!!!!! Where you need help is this: You have NO business “falling in love” with a man who doesn’t want to commit. Period. Love, Rori



  231.  #231Kyla on June 20, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Lol Azure you’re freakin awesome 🙂



  232.  #232Kyla on June 20, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    I like the energy on the blog today, full of sexy lap dances, glamour shots and powerful acts of bravery and self love..wow.
    Happy Friday sirens, enjoy the weekend and let your awesome out 🙂



  233.  #233Azure Blu on June 20, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Kyla…
    I sooo agree… great energy on this Siren Island today.
    you have a great weekend too!
    “I wanna see you be Brave”!
    :-}



  234.  #234T-Girl on June 20, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Just checking in real quick to update that I am now a happily married woman, married to a man who makes me feel so loved, cherished and beautiful. What a difference there is in the love we can receive and give back when we learn the right tools. Our wedding was so beautiful – he even recited vows to my daughter who was my maid of honor, and presented her with a necklace during the ceremony. I saw him crying tears of joy the minute I turned the corner when my dad was walking me down the aisle.

    Rori, I don’t know if you read all the comments but if you do, I just want to say that I don’t think I could have ever been this happy if I had never stumbled upon this blog. Thank you for opening my eyes.



  235.  #235lilibeesiren on June 20, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    I was hanging out here when you 1st started dating this man T-Girl! You’ve come a long way 🙂
    So happy for you 🙂



  236.  #236April Rose on June 20, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    T-girl,

    I am speechless with happiness reading your post.

    Thank you for your wnderful example.

    Please keep us updated on your beautiful marriage.
    Lots of love to you.



  237.  #237Liquid Light on June 20, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    OMG, I am so excited!! I just put down a deposit on an awesome apartment in a great apartment building. I’m moving at the end of July!!! Can’t wait! Woohooo!

    Then I went to the store where the man is that I met who said “Come back soon” when I left. And i did! Hahahaha! We flirted nervously, he walked me to my car and gave me his phone number. He’s very cute, masculine and very young! Yikes! There’s something very sweet about him though and a maturity beyond his years…hopefully! 🙂

    It’s been a great day!!!



  238.  #238Indigo on June 20, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    I feel so happy about the update from T-girl.

    I too marvel at the love it is possible to feel and receive when you change your perspective and shift things inside yourself.

    Kyla, what you said about never withholding love from a child no matter what they did… scooping them up and showing them the unconditional love and boundless possibility in the world – yes, I believe this is so wonderful. I remember feeling this way about my horse – she was so angry and disillusioned when I first got her and I remember thinking I would show her what love was and what was possible in relationship. And today, she is the gentlest, most open, trusting horse, adoring of people, soft and receptive. It’s beautiful to see.

    What if you feel that way about a man?



  239.  #239Mandy on June 20, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    I feel like my posts on here are being skipped over by everyone, and I feel left out because I need some perspective and insight into my situation, and to be able to talk to fellow sirens…If one or two Sirens could comment that’d be enough, I’m not asking for much feedback…

    My deal is I’m deeply in love, moving to a better part of town and bigger apartment with J, J stopped his alcohol consumption and he is in therapy, recovery classes and is on anti-depressants. He is doing spectacular…

    But, he cried himself to sleep the other night, He’s never cried himself to sleep before. which made me think since hes off alcohol, his true feelings may be coming out and he may be healing, I just wanted a perspective on this, if anyone’s ever dealt before with something like it, and suggestions about what they did that work or if you have any suggestions for me of how to love myself to death when he’s not loving himself. Do you think he’s healing?

    I feel so anxious for someone to offer me some perspective on here…please don’t pass my post by, I’d love some responses!



  240.  #240Helena Hart on June 20, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Mandy – 239 – How are you with loving yourself when J is going through a hard time? Is this something that’s difficult for you?

    Love, Helena



  241.  #241Mandy on June 20, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    Helena,

    I do find loving myself feels good, but I need to give myself love in an amount I’ve never given myself before, really truly get way into loving myself, touching my body when I feel sensual, working out/taking care of myself by eating organic, raw, fresh foods, doing things to pamper myself, taking care of myself, getting a pro massage for my birthday possibly in about two weeks (WOOT), and I will need a crucial amount of self-love…just need to be as as bold as can be with loving myself, and unashamed of it, and unscared of it, and tell those nasty voices in my head to go back to their little cowardly hidey-hole. I feel I am becoming bored with usual ways of loving myself (bathtime, nails, etc. – I want that massage for my b-day.). I wonder how I can make things more interesting. I mean I’m going to have to open my mind about how to love myself more and more passionately!

    I have put myself back out there to casually date women on the side from J…he has no problem and since he isn’t having sex with me since he’s healing, He tells me it’s okay with him if I find a girl I like and possibly have a connection with her where she can fulfill my sexual/friendship/closeness needs which he can’t at the moment. I think it’s a good compromise.

    But…. if only I could find a girl who’d be cool with the whole situation. There aren’t many that open minded from what I’ve seen so far. I just have a hard time attracting many women interested in me, they bail after they realize I’m the real thing, and they may be confused and bi-curious and not ready for someone as serious as me about it, so they end up canceling on me 99% of the time…so circular dating with women is very hard, although I honestly only feel comfy circular dating with women right now besides my man. Hopefully I will get a date sometime!

    So there’s that… We’re working on it. He says it’ll happen again between he and I, I just don’t know how much longer I can stand waiting for him to give me a full relationship meaning including sex into our relationship, which is right now being half a relationship. I want the full experience of a boyfriend including regular sex. Who wouldn’t. Isn’t that one thing having a boyfriend is for…sensual intimacy???



  242.  #242Indigo on June 21, 2014 at 2:53 am

    Mandy,

    I was going to say that I’d hazard a guess a lot of the confusion and discomfort you’re feeling is your underlying frustration at the lack of sexual intimacy. I’ve been in that situation before, and it did my head in. Sorry if that’s not very helpful, I just mean to say that I understand, and it’s not very surprising that you have to love on yourself extra hard to feel ok.

    You cannot really blame the women for not being that keen, since you are not really emotionally available since you are deeply in love with your boyfriend. You are, in essence, using them to fulfill your needs and so they would have to be fine with a purely casual relationship, and many women are not ok with this. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is the way I see it.

    I think what you can do is what you have already been doing – redouble your efforts on loving yourself, organize fun and pampering things for yourself, form connections with other people who make you feel good. But that is not to say it won’t be difficult, so be kind, gentle and forgiving on yourself.
    ((Big hugs)) to you. It’s not easy



  243.  #243Ignis on June 21, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Oh the break up was on manday and I already got a new chance. We shall meet next week. I feel nervous. I need inspiration.



  244.  #244Ignis on June 21, 2014 at 5:53 am

    I feel I have no control at all, I feel anxious and I feel curious. I just know what I do not want, but do not know where i want to take this. I only know what work I want to do for myself. I feel I have to write some kind of script to get myself grounded but do not know what to write yet. I try to find some post here on the blog on when he shows up again, with some inspiration. It feels so new and powerful.

    @Mandy, I do not feel I could give you my perspective cause I have never been in such situation, but I do send you a lot of hugs and love.



  245.  #245Azure Blu on June 21, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Ignis…
    How exciting!!
    What is it you DON’T want?

    It’s been my experience…
    Becoming clear with what I DO want it VERY important too
    For YOU and for HIM…
    Do you want marriage?
    Do you want to live together?
    Do you want exclusivity?
    Ignis… you beautiful Siren
    YOU are giving yourself lots of LOVE!!
    Keep doing this and remember YOU are the waterfall of love for YOU and HE has to bring his watering can to keep
    feeding YOUR waterfall of Love!!

    And something I always forget,,,
    RELAX… we can’t do it alll perfectly
    Like you said YOU KNOW what you DON’T
    want
    That’s HUGE…
    RR always tells us “to be here now!”
    just “being” is the best thing for us.



  246.  #246Azure Blu on June 21, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Mandy…
    (((hugs)))
    good for you for cding… :-}

    I have found cding helps me find out more about ME!!! as I observe how I interact with my dates…
    How I am pushy,
    needy,
    angry,
    afraid of emotional intimacy
    It is all sooo good to ME learning about ME and accepting and
    loving ME more

    I don’t know but to me
    if feels like you are
    doing really well at physical self love,
    manicures, massages, baths…

    For me it sounds like you need to let go of the NEEDY vibe that you now have about NEEDING sex

    In MY life it NEVER works to
    Tell your negative voices to go away…
    instead you can tell those voices
    “I love my NV” “I love my NV” “I love my NV”
    Gently hold those NV in your warm, caring arms
    and hug them, over and over…
    What are those NV saying?
    You’re Unworthy?
    You’re invisible?
    You’re disgusting?

    I would take whatever the NV are telling me and explore why they are saying that
    AND gently kiss them,
    hug them,
    and sit with them…
    they are DEMANDING YOUR LOVE and attention
    Rori’s tools have taught me
    to give them
    all my love
    and accept them (baby steps- this all takes a life time)..
    Then I am LOVING ME!
    Which for me is the KEY
    to MY happiness!



  247.  #247Ignis on June 21, 2014 at 9:17 am

    @AzureBlu Thank you dear! It feels so good to read your comment. Inspiring.

    I do not want to close my heart in his presence anymore. I want to take it slow and see how it feels to just be with him and just be myself. I do not want to be a reflection of my fears and desperation.

    If it is about exclusivity, kids, living together and getting old together we talked about this many times and agreed on everything. I want to be a wife too, but I do not want a wedding, and he will want to get married if that would make his woman happy. But right now, there is no us, there is just curiosity from both sided what we feel and if we can get back on track.

    And just being, feels so good. He said he will call me on monday and we will then figure out where to meet. And it feels good to trust him with that.

    Thank you for reminding me about relaxing and that I do not need to be perfect, that feels much calmer now 🙂

    Hugs <3



  248.  #248Helena Hart on June 21, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Mandy – 241 – This all sounds great: “touching my body when I feel sensual, working out/taking care of myself by eating organic, raw, fresh foods, doing things to pamper myself, taking care of myself, getting a pro massage for my birthday…”

    How about loving yourself from the INSIDE out as well? This would look like being compassionate and gentle with yourself, telling yourself you haven’t made any mistakes, forgiving yourself for even thinking you could ever do anything wrong, complimenting yourself, and slathering yourself with love.

    Love, Helena



  249.  #249Sunshine on June 21, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Hello everyone,

    I am new to this blog and I hope not to be intrusive. I just have a question… must a man know you have cried for him if you’re trying to be sincere and open up to him? Is it ok if you tell him you have shed tears for him?



  250.  #250Sunshine on June 21, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Or should you only say you have felt deeply hurt



  251.  #251Veronica on June 21, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Azure Blu – 224 – Yes it does sound good and I feel curious about this man who’s showing up like this with no prompting whatsoever from my side. It’s quite beautiful to experience. And your words telling yourself that you do deserve the attention and that it’s important to your life that you practice with a man who wants to be with you – that helps me to step in a good way into exploring this nervousness I have around a ‘giving’ man.

    The article was too beautiful – thank you for suggesting it (and thank you Dominique x)

    Those words from Rori you posted – they guide me to accept his offer in a way that feels good to me. This is huge because usually I avoid this type of situation with men. But I trust me that I only let good guys near me, spend time with me so I can go to the next step. I waited the whole day until I felt ready and accepting in my being before replying to him. That feels good!!

    Thank you for guiding me Azure Blu with your words and the words of others, this helps me so much, I appreciate your kindness towards me, helping me with becoming more open to love xx

    And I’m watching with a little bit of awe at this man who is becoming this man all on his own – I feel happy even if nothing happens, I feel happy that this exists.



  252.  #252Kyla on June 21, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Mandy WRT your man crying himself to sleep, we use addictions to drown our emotions so he’s now letting them out, the chemical changes going on in him with the meds would also be a factor.
    The thing is most of us are here learning to stay out of a man’s head and stop playing the anxiety inducing guessing game figuring out what is going on with him. It is better to get into your own feelings and share them with him, tell him you are feeling concern, ask him straight out if there is anything you can do to help or anything he wants to share, and most importantly take care of your own feelings and needs. Sorry if that’s not helpful.



  253.  #253Liquid Light on June 21, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    I’m getting lots of hits after posting my new photos online. I have a date with a very interesting sounding architect (have soft spot for architects) tomorrow. And a very wealthy older gentleman just contacted me. Weird but I seem to be attracting men who are either much older than me or much younger than me!



  254.  #254Rori Raye on June 21, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Sunshine – great question – and here’s the short answer – there is no reason to “tell” or “share” with a man ANYTHING in terms of “rules” or “right answers.”

    Where you must ALWAYS be coming from is “Where am I coming from?” In other words – if there’s a REASON you want to share this information with him other than just wanting to have a deep, meaningful, profound, honest and open communication and going “first” – then that’s where your work is.

    The question to ask is of yourself – “Why have I cried “for him” – and why have you felt “deeply hurt”?

    The word “hurt” is not a good feeling world – so don’t use that…

    Scripting would say – “Honey, I’d like to share something with you…just because I want to have a deep and honest and open communication between us. I don’t need you to do anything about this, and it’s not your fault…I just want to share that when ____(that) happened, I felt_____(sad, disconnected, furious…). Can you see how this works?

    “Crying” is NOT a feeling. It’s what happened when you FELT something. So go find and share the feelings – and remember to not have an agenda about it except to be doing your part to create great communication. Love, Rori



  255.  #255Mandy on June 21, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    Firstly, I apologize, I am not getting email updates for the posts I’m subscribed to, so there’s a bit of confusion on my end.

    Indigo, Ignis, Azure, Helena and Kyla;

    Thank you SO much for your insight and support, love and hugs. It means the world to me, it really does.

    I am going to be re-reading the comments, maybe even print them out, so I can really commit it all to memory, it was a lot of good information and I feel very grateful for it.

    Azure, The need for sex….the absolute desperation I feel is the biggest problem I agree wholeheartedly. The NVs say I am not a real woman without sex with my boyfriend, that he is not committed to me or that he doesn’t care enough or love enough or is not attracted enough to give me sex and he is willing to let me suffer very badly for it. Also, I just don’t understand it, and when I’m given a mental puzzle, I have the habit of puzzling and puzzling until my puzzler is sore. I wonder if this is very exclusive to someone like me or if everyone does it sometimes.
    Ever puzzle and puzzle like that, obsessively? It hurts my freaking brain! I like Rori’s idea of letting go and sinking into your feelings.

    I’ve mulled it over almost obsessively about how to let it go. For some reason I’m totally stuck with it. I feel like I am only getting half a relationship without sex and it pisses me off because I know I deserve a whole relationship. WOW, do I get angry sometimes. The other night I totally went to bed with no explanation when a sex scene came ion in a TV show we were watching; I just couldn’t sit through it I felt so uncomfy and squirmy. Sometimes I think I need anger management. But that so does not sound like loving one’s feelings.When I was in therapy for OCD, my therapist taught me to “boss back” the voices in my head, about how whatever thing I was obsessed about was going to hurt me. So this is going to be a challenge to love the voice and hold it. Still learning…I’m definitely not a perfect woman…but I’m still open to listening and learning.

    Helena, I am working on riffing more. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I just have big time trouble but if I really let go of tension it happens. I am trying to talk to myself with my inner monologue as kindly as I would a friend. No more beating myself up.

    Kyla, it’s incredibly helpful and I value your input very much. You are absolutely right…the guessing game…I forgot…is not cool. I have been very good however lately at just leaving the apartment for the gym whenever I want with no qualms or hesitation or going to my parent’s house to visit them without permission.

    Indigo, I understand your standpoint; I thought maybe there might be a woman out there who wouldn’t mind being FWB, but maybe women just aren’t equipped emotionally for that and although yes it smarts a tiny bit, I know you’re right. I don’t think I’d be keen either, unless I were looking for the same thing. I think maybe I just need more female friends, I haven’t hung out with any of my friends for a very long time because I’ve been so busy up-heaving my life.

    Thanks again ladies…you don’t know how grateful I am for your input and how much it really means to me…Thank you so much!



  256.  #256Russgirl on June 21, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    I don’t know what to do. I broke the trust in the relationship and now hes pulling away and has ended things yet still wants to hang out and acts as if nothing is wrong. I’m Confused in this situation because I want to be with him but i also don’t want to be a push over, We were together 7 months but we had looked and rings a month ago and he said he’d never wanted to marry anyone before me but now it all seems so opposite. what do i do to get it back without playing a game.?



  257.  #257Rori Raye on June 21, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Russgirl, Welcome, and do you feel comfortable telling us how the trust got broken? I’d say, since he’s still around – to practice the Tools like mad – if you can, go get help from one of my great Certified Coaches – it will help you SO much – and see what happens…Love, Rori



  258.  #258Indigo on June 21, 2014 at 11:23 pm

    (((Mandy)))

    I really commend your self-awareness and your willingness to work on this situation – it’s amazing. You sound terrific, and I can tell you with this positive attitude, you WILL get there.

    I know that when there were lapses with my relationship, reconnecting with friends was a lifesaver – it could be family too. Anyone who reminds you you are loved and loveable.

    The sex thing… this is something that may just need to work itself out. I remember a time when I felt the way that you do – if my guy wasn’t having sex with me it must mean that I’m not sexy or desirable or that he doesn’t love me. None of which is true of course. But, as Azure Blu said, I did eventually let go of the neediness and desperation and just started to appreciate and enjoy it whenever great sex DID happen, and sex picked up again all on its own, and the nasty voices about it disappeared too.

    Maybe you could see this time in your life as an opportunity from the Universe to develop and focus on other areas of your life.



  259.  #259Russgirl on June 21, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    Rori How do i get help. I broke his trust because i told a girl friend over text that i still had feelings for an ex and he read that. I know i don’t want to be with my ex though, we dated on and off for 4 years and it was a terrible relationship. and now the man I’m with feels as if he has been sharing my feelings and shuts down whenever I’m around and i don’t know how to get that spark back especially since he kind of “broke up” with me and didn’t wanna stick it out and work on it like i did. but still seems to keep in contact and my belongings are still at his place.



  260.  #260Azure Blu on June 22, 2014 at 7:04 am

    LL #253!!!
    hugs n kisses!!!
    Your new photos sound AMAZING!!
    Yay YOU!!



  261.  #261Mandy on June 22, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Indigo,

    I will say that toning up at the gym DOES fill a void. I feel really good about shaping up, and I know this is a life-long good thing I’m doing…so in a weird way…it is fulfilling to my body because I am appreciating my body and it feels good, kind of like how it feels to have someone else appreciate it, but even better, because it is me, and I’ve always hated my body as a kid and a young adult. It gets my mind off everything as well, releases stress and gives me another opportunity to care for myself. (especially siting in the jacuzzi afterwards!)

    Not only that, but when the sex comes back (it always does) I’ll have a smokin hot bod to have it with…giggle…:)

    I hope that makes sense. SO I’m definitely working on that, and working on making more pieces for my animation portfolio so I can look for work in that industry. Both of those things really keep me happy. I’m also moving closer to my parents so that will help.

    I have to admit a silver lining of this, I’ve always been frightened about getting pregnant and at least I don’t have to worry about that right now…:P



  262.  #262Goddess of Love on June 23, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Any suggestions-

    Question-

    This weekend I might have permanently destroyed my relationship with Joel.

    Everything was going well till I saw a Match profile on his phone when I was helping to find directions for a trip we were taking using Wayze.

    When we got to his place, we were going to go out to dinner and before dinner we had some time so I said I would meditate and he said he would go on the computer. When I came in to talk with him he was corresponding with the person on Match. I got triggered…turned into me crying, he is a great sales person, so he put the whole thing on me – ‘why was I snooping, don’t I know that is illegal.” He then said he needs to have more of a social life, people to talk with, he is not going out with anyone but me. Brought it back that I am still on Match, and that I am doing more – going out with others.

    It got really ugly – could hardly sleep. I wasn’t blaming, tried to keep feeling statements, but we are both confused. I really don’t feel clear about CDing, don’t know what to respond when he says I am still doing Match, why can’t he. I lost my inner strength, cried because I felt like I was getting abandoned – my big emotion that comes up. Put him on a pedestal, said it was my fault, he could do what he felt he needed to do, but that I will need to take care of my heart. I didn’t leave, we slept together, but we were still at odds in the morning. I feel like I am back at square one; he said I needed more confidence in who I am. I tried to lean back in the discussion we were having. Not leading it, told him I felt yukky about being jealous, but that that is what happens.

    He is a real king in almost all of our relationship; though I feel this may be a weakness of his…he had two affairs while he was married.

    He said he felt as if he couldn’t give me what I wanted now, a ring on my finger, it was too fast for him, not ready…so was considering breaking off the relationship. I have given him the speech about wanting more than to be a girlfriend only and that I needed to go out with others to keep my sanity. So I would not pressure him. I also back tracked when he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted now, I said I was not ready either; needed to feel more comfortable that he there was going to be monogamy. Mentioned about his previous affairs in his marriage.

    But I am way confused about why I should be cding and feeling bad if he does? Not sure what to do next. We ended with me going home, kissing each other goodbye. But I am way confused. I don’t know what to do or say next, if there is a next. We have been going out 8 months, he has been divorced about 2 years. I may be appearing to dramatic. He said I am hard work sometimes.

    Any feedback would be helpful…



  263.  #263Indigo on June 24, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Goddess of Love,

    Maybe a coach would be better qualified to give you some advice here…

    But I just wanted to make sure, are you clear on the reasons you are CDing? Have you discussed with him that it is just about being open to everyone out there in the world until you get the commitment and relationship that you want? It is not the same as cheating. What exactly is he doing in Match? If he is conversing with other women with a romantic or sexual slant to it, that would be more on the side of cheating in my opinion, and not just about “making friends”. I would find it hard to trust a man like this.

    His cheating on his marriage and saying he is not ready for commitment seems to me to be a bit of a red flag.



  264.  #264Azure Blu on June 26, 2014 at 6:32 am

    MarikaB
    Lovely Siren… welcome!!!

    I do understand your anxiety and confusion because I experience this especially after I have had sex with a man…
    I have learned to watch my feelings after having sex…
    For ME… I have learned that I DO get very emotionally connected and find it MUCH more difficult to keep my vibe calm and warm on the outside and strong on the inside…
    So I usually try and wait (of course NOT always!! 🙂
    until I’m sure I can have NO expectations or explain to my cd that I’m an old fashion girl and “for me it is best to take MY time before having sex as it gets ME confused and is complicated until we know each other better”
    AND I say… “What do you think?”
    I’ve had some disappear and stop seeing me because of this…But that is NOT what I am wanting now. So It’s good for me to discover this right away. (there were times that was all I wanted).
    But most men feel relieved… ’cause really… sex FOR ME….before getting to know each other is rather clumsy and unfullfilling in my mind.



  265.  #265Indigo on June 26, 2014 at 6:33 am

    MarikaBerg,

    Two words: Circular Date.

    Reading your posts, that is a lot of speculation and getting in his head. It is not our job to figure out what he’s thinking or feeling, or to get in his business… if he’s not showing up, if he’s not THERE for you, there is only one thing to do. Circular Date. Whatever feels good to you.



  266.  #266Azure Blu on June 26, 2014 at 6:46 am

    MarikaB…
    You sound like you have a good life…
    friends, family (do you have children?)
    how long have you been separated?
    YOU are in the middle of a BIG life change… Rori’s tools can CHANGE your life in soooo many good ways!!!
    Through Rori’s tools and this blog and RR coaches My life is the BEST it’s ever been!!!

    These are just MY feelings on this…
    You are only separated… You are really NOT available (as you mentioned)

    For me it would be important to begin dating Lots of men… they are free therapy… look at all the feelings this one man has brought up for you…

    You can practice being vulnerable with this man… using feeling messages…
    “Ohhh… I feel happy reading your text message”…
    “I feel smiley and girlish when you text me “hey beautiful”
    NOT to manipulate and control…
    YOU are learning to SHARE your TRUE feelings

    But start getting strong on the INSIDE by reading Roris ebook… purchasing her DVD’s all of them if you can or start with Modern Siren..
    Lovely Siren… I can see you are hungry to grow your Goddess!



  267.  #267Azure Blu on June 26, 2014 at 7:02 am

    GoddessofL #262
    i’m seeing a red flag with his history of cheating…
    Keep dating others…
    Discover what feelings HE brings up for you…
    Anger,
    Unlovable,
    yearning
    unworthy
    He’s GREAT therapy… why do you think you deserve crumbs…
    For me I would explore all these feelings he’s bringing up and LOVE your feeling of being Unlovable
    wrap your arms around her… tell her you cherish and adore her and she is part of you…
    Sit her close by your side and hug her…
    See what happens for you…
    This is all for YOU lovely Siren NOT him. 😉



  268.  #268Indigo on June 26, 2014 at 7:33 am

    MarikeBerg,

    Of course you should not feel guilty… and now that you have this freedom, and all these WONDERFUL interests, why not just enjoy them for a while?

    That sense of urgency is the enemy of romance, and please don’t believe a word of what anyone says about you not being able to get a decent man… the world is literally swimming in them!

    Spend some time on YOU, lavish and pamper yourself and soak up the care and fun you can give yourself. The right man will be drawn to that.



  269.  #269Indigo on June 28, 2014 at 1:53 am

    MarikaBerg,

    That’s great! It is so much better, isn’t it.

    If you want to join the newest thread where most of the ladies are discussing, just click on comments on the most recent thread on the blog. This is a great place to get support if you are new to all of this.