Are You His Woman Or A Delivery Girl

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When was the last time you felt completely at ease with your man?

Where you felt totally secure in the knowledge that he loves you, totally sure he appreciates you, and feeling that cozy warmth inside because all your needs for love and  romance are being met by him?

Or does that seem like a dream?  A fantasy?   Here’s a way to help that dream turn real – a way of looking at everything that shows up, no matter how your first reaction is to it – as something that’s “Not About Me.”

Julia, wrote me:

“Dear Rori – when my boyfriend asks me to do stuff for him, I just feel so resentful.  I think about what he does and doesn’t do for ME (and I’m never happy with my answer to myself), and then I just get confused and don’t know what to do.

I’m afraid of saying Yes and being a doormat, and just paying for stuff when he’s “tight” – or running over there with beer or pizza to sit and watch “the basketball game” with him, and him thinking I’m “easy.”

And I’m also afraid of saying No and looking selfish and all about myself, and him thinking I’m not a good girlfriend for not doing stuff for him.

I worry that he’ll think I don’t love him if I don’t take every opportunity he presents to let him know I really care for him.

What’s the right thing to do? Thanks, Julia”

This is a great question, and I don’t know a single woman, including myself, who doesn’t run into this.   Sometimes once in a while, and sometimes ALL the time.

So – how can you tell the difference between a genuine request that you can put yourself out to do that will ADD TO and DEEPEN your relationship – without making you feel like he has to do something in return to make it okay –  and just a “beer run” that you can pass on without feeling bad you said NO to.

How can you tell the difference between a genuine request for your company and a “beer” or “booty” call?

When is it okay to go over to his house (almost never) and when is it overfunctioning and leaning forward (almost all the time)?

This can be really complex, and often we women do “numbers” on ourselves with the smallest thing – and so here’s a small old story of my own (see how it would work in a more emotionally loaded situation) – I’ll tell it as though it’s happening right now:

My husband has a cold, he’s acting miserable, and he tells me he wants to order himself dinner online from a nearby restaurant that doesn’t deliver – and we wants ME, who also has a cold, too, though I’m a few days ahead of him in recovery and feeling better than he is, to pick it up for him.

Now, I’m all comfy in my “getting over my own cold and curled up on the couch reading” gear.

My first reaction is shock. Dismay.  Then anger – the thought that “This is absolutely ridiculous – there are a bunch of restaurants he likes all around us that DO deliver – why’d he have to have THIS one?” Or – “I could cook something, or he could open a can of soup, or…”

And then – “WHAT exactly, does he mean by asking ME to get in the car, drive, park in the 6 story lot, walk a block and a half, pick up the food, walk back to my car and come home to present it to him?”   And then all kinds of things go through my brain.

“This is a test,” I think..

“If I really love him, I’ll do this for him,” I think.

“He needs to know that I really love him, so he set this up to test me,” I think.

I ask myself, “What would I do if this was a girlfriend asking me for this favor?”

I start going back over the scorecard for my entire relationship with him – what he does for me and what I do for him.

Oh…and then the “poor him” stuff comes up inside me, imagining or actually looking at his miserable self all ready to lay on the couch for the basketball game, just waiting for me to bring him dinner.

The EXACT and ONLY dinner he wants, that will require me going OUT, alone, to get it.

Now, of course he’s asking ME – I’m the one there, I have the label “wife” …and yet I get letters and hear from women all the time who have the label “girlfriend” who are at their own home when their man calls, asking for this exact favor – to get up, get dressed, drive somewhere to pick something up and deliver it to him – and then when they get there he’s zoned out in front of the TV while she just sits there wondering why she did this thing.

And perhaps, too, this is a big part of the confusion, here, if this has ever happened, or you’ve ever considered, doing this – you’re thinking this might be a GREAT opportunity to get closer to him, that he’s actually ASKING YOU OVER to BE with him, or if you’re already sitting there with him watching the game – that it would be good to be so “nice” – such a GOOD girlfriend or wife – and that he’ll finally be so appreciative and cozy when you get back there with the food – except you remember that last time you did something like this he just ignored you.

And you know, deep inside – you can feel it – that you don’t want to be an errand-runner.  You’d like to be with him, but you don’t want to be an errand-runner.

And you’re angry that you’ve been put in this position, to either disappoint him and put yourself first because as much as you love him, you’re all cozy and tired at home and  and say “No,” or chance being hugely disappointed yourself because what you really want is to be with him, and you’re worried about the outcome of the evening if you DO go over there.

In this moment, I want you to realize something…just as, in the moments when my brain went through all that processing I just described I finally got to the Truth  (I know this will absolutely help you understand a man).

I want you to know, just as it hits me in this moment while I’m starting at my husband trying to figure out what to do –  that no matter what situation you’re in – this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with YOU.

Standing there, looking at my husband, I get it in a flash – this has nothing to do with ME.

He just wants this particular food at this particular moment, and he asked the first person he saw or thought of to go get it for him – me.

It’s a buddy “beer run.”  A hop to the liquor store for ice. He just wants what he wants.  He’s uncomfortable, he’s not thinking about me at all, he just wants…what he wants.  And so he asks.  And…it’s okay for him to ask, because…It’s a guy thing.

He just wants what he wants, and it has nothing to do with me, or with you – except for HOW WE HANDLE THIS.

Now – here’s what you may have been doing in this kind of situation –

Perhaps he’s asked you to drive over to see him because he’s “tired.” Perhaps he’s asked you to “pay” for something because he’s “tight” this week. Maybe he’s tense and he wants sex. Any number of things – let me know what kind of things you’ve experienced…

You may be so conflicted, so concerned with not being a doormat or an errand runner or succumbing to a “booty call,” and yet so afraid to say “No” – that the biggest emotion that shows up for you is anger and irritation.

And so – that anger and irritation is what comes up and what most likely gets expressed – if not in your WORDS, then in your body language and your “vibe.”

You may do something like this (all this is going through my brain at that moment…but I let it flow through me and don’t speak any of it):

Try to talk him out of it – “How ’bout that nice barbecue place down the street we love – THEY deliver?”

Or make another offer – “How ’bout I make you something…” (and here you add your worry that he prefers the restaurant to your cooking – or that this is just another “doormatty” thing to be doing…)

Or – “How ’bout we go together and eat there?” (and think “How come you didn’t think of that in the first place?”)

Or let your anger out with – “How could you ask me to do that – can’t you see I’m tired too?”

Or “That’s such an immature choice – to choose the one restaurant that doesn’t deliver when it’s so late and I’m already all comfy and cozy…”

And – you probably know how THAT works.

It doesn’t.

All of a sudden, where HE was talking about food and a simple “run” – now WE’RE talking about what’s WRONG with him, talking about how bad he is to even ASK us, talking about the RELATIONSHIP, making suggestions…and things just go downhill from there.

Or, you take the opposite tack, and go for the being “nice,” being the “good girlfriend” – I mean, he is sick, and you’re sort of “on your feet…”

So, you say “Sure,” and get in the car and bring him back his food, and then…

…HE DOESN’T BEHAVE THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO.

Instead of being undyingly grateful to you and saying how much he appreciates you, and hugging you and being all lovey-dovey and sweet…and “OWING-you-one”…he says a quick “Thanks,” then starts eating without so much as offering you ANYTHING, even a seat next to him, and focuses entirely on the basketball game.

And then, of course, he can feel the tension and upset in your body, or you say something like “Are you just going to ignore me completely? Why did I even do this for you?”

And then, we’re off to the relationship downhill races again.

This is all about EFFORT.

And the Rule of Minimal Effort (It’s in my Targeting Mr. Right program) is that – The anger and resentment you feel is directly proportionate to the effort you’re putting out.

So – what to do?

Try this – Shift Your Attitude. Shift the way you SEE this whole thing.

Tell yourself “It’s Not About ME.”

Ask yourself if you want to do this thing for him or not.

Tell yourself the Truth.

Think about the Rori Raye Playbook and if this kind of thing makes sense or if you’re once more going the OVERGIVING route, or if you’re going the opposite way – the “deeply offended you even asked” route.

If you really don’t want to go except for the chance of an opportunity to “get closer” to him, and you’re really not buying that he’s all that sick, and you don’t feel good about it because of where your relationship is at right now, and you’re not sure what you’d do if this was a girlfriend (you could ask yourself “What would Carrie from Sex and the City do),” and if you’ve been Overfunctioning all along in this relationship, and if your gut tells you “No” – then say “No.”

Say…”Ohhh, I don’t really feel like going out right now. I’m sorry. ”

(Notice you’re not making suggestions for him, like suggesting he pick a restaurant that delivers – and also notice it’s OKAY to say you’re “sorry” for disappointing him by saying “No.” That’s having compassion for his situation, WITHOUT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.)

And then what will happen?

Here’s what happened for me:

I said…”Oh, crap, I really feel bad, I’d like to do this for you, and I just don’t feel like doing the errand. Is there anything else I can do without going out alone?”

And my sick husband said, “No, it’s okay,” got up, put on some clothes, grabbed his keys and started out to get the food himself!

And here I’d thought he hadn’t even ORDERED it yet!

And, well, you can guess what came up – now I felt selfish, and guilty, and bad.

And I wanted to share that.

I wanted to say, “I didn’t know you’d already ordered, and now I feel selfish and guilty and bad.”

And then I realized this wasn’t ABOUT me.

So – for you – if you’ve discovered that you tend to be at a man’s beck-and-call, that you actually have an almost desperate need for affection from him and so would take ANY opportunity to do something for him that might get you closer to him – stand back and realize – this isn’t ABOUT YOU.

It’s not about you, and it’s not about the relationship.  It just feels like it is.

Because we’re all so emotionally complex as women, we think a man is, too.  But he’s not.  It wasn’t about me.

It was about the FOOD.

More on this, what happened, the emotions, how to clear this kind of subtle battle between overfunctioning on the one hand and coldness on the other from your mind and heart while still telling the truth.

And Julia – just getting clear with the truth of what’s going on will get you everywhere…

Love, Rori

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36 Comments

  1.  #1Jane on April 10, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Heehee.



  2.  #2Tracy on April 10, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    totally love this post…i have been doing this thing all my life..always feeling that by leaning forward i was being a nice girlfriend and that he’d like me more…
    Thanks rori for making it so much clear…
    I loved what you said about remembering its all about him and whatever it is that he wants…
    Next time this happens to me i feel glad that FIRST i’l be able to understand what is going on and so i can process my feelings and get my truth out there…

    I love this!



  3.  #3Daria on April 11, 2009 at 8:50 am

    so on time. Just did this last nite with taco bell (might talk about it in a sec)! OMG timing! I feel happy. I’m going to actually read the post now.



  4.  #4Daria on April 11, 2009 at 10:13 am

    So what happened with me…

    I got a call from my ex (who is my ‘friend’ right now – but has acted like this all along even when i was his gf) to invite me to hang out. I already had plans so he told me to call later. My plans fell through. I was in the taco bell parking lot and called him asking him for something.

    He wasn’t doing anything he accused me of only wanting something from him and not wanting to hang out. I said no. He said ohh you’re at taco bell I really want some. I said oh I feel like you only want taco bell. He said no I want to hang out too.

    I said are you going to pay me back? He said yeah. I said ok (to getting food). I said I want some too. He said ok you can have one of my rollups. I said no I need more… how about a chicken soft taco. He said ok.

    I bought the food including 2 items for me ($1.78)that came within 10 cents of a chicken soft taco…($1.69) and he actually didn’t get charged for one of his own tacos. All together the price was 9.85.

    I drove to him (worrying about overfunctioning) and brought him the food. He ate I ate, and then HE TRIED TO GIVE ME 8 DOLLARS!!!

    I said no (I felt shock, dismay, frozen, like clobbering him with a big bat). He said he had 10 dollars but that his food was just 8 dollars. I stayed quiet. He gave me the 10 dollars and accused me of “being a punk” or something like that. I took the 10 dollars. Then I said, I have to go home. And left. He said yeah I wasn’t feeling it anyway.

    So then on my way I get a text about how my taco was two dollars and my nachos were 2 dollars (he has the receipt but might have read it wrong because my and HIS nachos together were close to 2 dollars).
    And how his stuff was basically just 8 dollars.

    I felt so humiliated and furious.

    I texted back… I feel like I’m being treated like shit and I feel bad and angry.

    Later I thought that maybe saying I feel humiliated and furious would have been better than I feel like I’m being treated like shit (is that accusing?)

    AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGH…

    I felt myself calm down QUICKLY this time unlike other times. At first I told myself that I would never speak to him again but that feels hopeless because I really care about him and wind up speaking to him again everytime he does something like this (which happens often, or used to). I do not see him as often as before, but I don’t honestly know if I want to stop seeing him completely.

    I also realized this was all about HIM and he may have some issues with people lying (because I don’t lie to him but he accuses me often) and with money and worry about being taken advantage of. I felt like I calmed down quickly and took Great care of myself (mainly by stopping my very strong impulse to argue about the price of tacos) and by framing this in a way that didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t worthy of great treatment but seeing it as his issue…

    Right now another man (that previously yelled at me for not calling and said he would never call me again) called. Haha. He said he tried and couldn’t. I said I know. He doesn’t have his license and kept trying to get me to come to him and complain and get me to contribute (I get the pizza you get the beer). I said no. I said that sounds like a buddy thing. I don’t want any more buddies I want a man. I said you’re cute and handsome and I like you but I don’t want to chase you, drive to you, or pay for stuff.

    I said even my friends don’t have me go 50 50 with them anymore.

    He said meet me halfway 5050 (pizza me beer you). I said no. halfway doesn’t feel good. Feels half good and half bad. its all the way or no way for me… he seemed puzzled. Tried to explain about not having a license. I said I understand but thats not helping me in any way.

    He said it looks like its going to be no way… now he wanted to get the pizza and the beer but can’t get me. I said well I might be in your town later (because I might visit friends) so you can call me later…

    the whole convo felt good! I was in a good mood and not accusing or feeling bad. It was nice.

    I had to repeat a few times clearly: I don’t want to drive and I don’t want to pay for anything.



  5.  #5Linmayu on April 11, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Wow, it’s amazing how easy it is for even a Goddess to feel selfish and guilty and bad.
    I mean, Rori’s husband ordered food for himself then asked her to go pick it up, and then she felt bad after telling him she didn’t feel like going out. I don’t think I would feel bad for that, if anything I would feel angry that he went and ordered food without even asking if I wanted anything.

    Oh wait. Now, I feel bad. I feel like I’m more selfish than any other woman on the planet. What a trap.

    And it feels virtuous and righteous and almost kind of GOOD to beat myself up like this. Like I’m doing the right thing as generations of God-fearing women have done before me.

    Well, what were generations of Goddesses doing before me? They had to have existed too…



  6.  #6Cassandra on April 11, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I have to work on this as well. I often run errands to go get snacks for us and beer for Charles if we are working in the yard or on a project on the house. Most of the time though I am so engrossed in our chores and just enjoying doing them together that me going to run the errand is not even a big deal for me….he keeps mowing the lawn…I go get whatever it is that we needed and when i get home we have a nice snack break and then get back to work. One thing that I can give him kudos on is that he does usually thank me not that I do it for that but it is nice to hear. I do it because it makes ME feel good not because I have any expectations of it bringing us closer. If it does then great but if not it was no big deal because I never really thought of it that way anyway. There are other circumstances though where I have helped him in a BIG way with a HUGE issue because I have the knowledge to help him and he doesn’t know anything about that particular issue and he doesn’t even acknowledge my contribution. The fact that I can help does feel good but it would be nice to at least get a ‘wow. thanks babe.’ But I don’t want to do things for him or for us expecting a specific reaction from him. I want to do things because I want do something and it makes ME feel good and not because I want a pay back from him. The more I stay focused on ‘AM I DOING THIS BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD TO ME?’ rather than “am I doing this to get closer to him or to get a specific reaction’ the better things are both for me and how I feel about that particular interaction between us. I feel good about how I am dealing with that and it feels like growth for me which is huge. YAY ME!



  7.  #7Cassandra on April 11, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    I also have a question that I would like to post here as well to get feedback on…..Rori, I hope that it is ok that I posted this here too. 🙂

    I just read the newsletter that Rori sent out a few days ago and I am so excited to give this a try. I do have a question though …

    Rori you said in the newsletter…..” You may very well be mad at something your man
    did or didn’t do, and because we women are often
    so uncomfortable with anger, you’re covering it up and stuffing it down with sadness and the “blues.”” I know that I have been so guilty of this because like you said – that is what we have been taught to do.

    My question though is if you ARE indeed upset/ hurt/ blue or whatever because of something that your man DID say or do that hurt you….then how do you tell him how you feel without blaming him when whatever he did or said that hurt you IS the reason that you are feeling hurt, mad, sad, blue?? How do you allow yourself to really feel those feelings and let him know in an authentic way that what he said or did IS the reason for your blues…without blaming him?? This is something that I am trying to figure out so that I can work on how I communicate when I am hurt, angry, blue, etc and not just with him but with everyone that I come in contact with.

    This is one thing that I still don’t get and for me it is key!

    Let’s say he says/ does something that REALLy hurts my feelings or upsets me and then asks me what’s wrong. How can I tell him how I really feel….still be authentic and not blame him or accuse him?? What can I say and how can I say it?

    and…..

    Let’s say he says/ does something that REALLy hurts my feelings or upsets me and then DOES NOT even ask me what’s wrong….he just goes on about his business not even recognizing/ caring or even noticing that he has hurt my feelings. How can I tell him how I really feel….still be authentic and not blame him or accuse him?? What can I say and how can I say it?

    For me this is a big issue and I want to handle this in a way that I am really being true to MYSELF and allowing myself to feel whatever it is that I am feeling yet not blame or accuse him in any way and still take care of ME.

    With love and hugs…..
    Cassandra



  8.  #8Ann on April 11, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    Hi Cassandra, I’m not Rori but I wanted to share with you what I’ve come to believe would be the answers to your questions above. First let me say this is just my interpretation of feeling messages and second I’m a LONG way from being able to do this all the time.

    My answers would fit anyone who did this to me.

    Your first scenario: “Let’s say he says/ does something that REALLy hurts my feelings or upsets me and then asks me what’s wrong. How can I tell him how I really feel….still be authentic and not blame him or accuse him?? What can I say and how can I say it?”

    Let’s say someone(anyone my man, friend, child, parent etc…) said “I just heard of a class on housekeeping the university will be offering next week. You might want to take it I noticed your windows need cleaning, and I saw ashes and cigerette butts in the ashtray. You might could use the help.”

    My response: I feel angry….or I feel hurt….or I feel sad…I feel shocked…

    Their response: what do you mean you feel whatever my feeling message was.

    My response: I feel I do my best to keep my house presentable.

    Their response: Their was no toilet paper on the holder.

    My response: I feel bad

    Their response: Bad? I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was just pointing out things you might of missed I was just being truthful.

    My response: I feel I do my best. But there is always room for improvement. I will do a double check over my rooms.

    Their response: Um ok

    If I understand feeling messages correctly I just said how I felt about what they said. Without blaming them but letting them know I heard what they said.

    I’m going to do a different post on the other scenario. I hope what I write helps, and makes sense. And if I’m wrong someone Please let me know.

    OT my hubby came home today. A follow up at a specialist will be scheduled next week. The official biopsy report isn’t in but the dr said prelimitary report appears to show it’s cancerous.

    So why am I here posting? Because there’s nothing I can do right now and I want to know am I learning feeling messages correctly.



  9.  #9Ann on April 11, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    Please remember I’m experimenting here with my answers. I also would appreciate any feed back. Am I using feeling message? I have a feeling I’m going to be feeling alot of different emotions on a daily basis with everything going on.

    Second scenario: Let’s say he says/ does something that REALLy hurts my feelings or upsets me and then DOES NOT even ask me what’s wrong….he just goes on about his business not even recognizing/ caring or even noticing that he has hurt my feelings. How can I tell him how I really feel….still be authentic and not blame him or accuse him?? What can I say and how can I say it?

    Let’s say I run into someone on the street, or in a phone call discussion these words come up. Or it could even be my man getting hisself a drink but anyway they say the same thing then go back to whatever they were doing.

    The say: “I just heard of a class on housekeeping the university will be offering next week. You might want to take it I noticed your windows need cleaning, and I saw ashes and cigerette butts in the ashtray. You might could use the help.” Will nice talking to you and go on their happy way.

    My response: Notice what I feel. Then feel it. If it brings tears let them flow. Anger I might need to write out, or punch a pillow. Point is feel it, melt into it. Then I would go do something I enjoyed for ME.

    Another thing I could do is write how I felt about it practicing using feeling messages. That way if it came up again I’d have some idea how to say what I FEEL in a non blaming way. The more I write about situations using feeling messages the more prepared I’ll be when a situation arrives.

    HTH



  10.  #10Daria on April 11, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Ann I feel so interested and curious in practicing this!

    Heres what I would say:

    Similar scenario: I feel criticized! And I feel angry!

    Response: Why??? I’m just pointing something out.

    Me: I dont know… I feel furious and I dont like it. I dont like feeling criticized and I feel Really mad!

    Response: Its not that serious. IM trying to point something out. You don’t have to take it personal.

    Me: I feel grossed out.

    HMMM… I feel so interested in the direction this is taking… I can’t believe I felt grossed out… I would feel terrified to actually say I feel grossed out at that moment… OMG… I feel like I COULD NEVER say it to my mom… of course I could… I feel angry maybe.



  11.  #11Daria on April 11, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    Thank you Ann for pointing this out:

    “The more I write about situations using feeling messages the more prepared I’ll be when a situation arrives.”

    I’m really hoping so and Im practicing with writing about both my exes. I cant wait until I feel like a goddess around them too, and around all men. I feel excited.



  12.  #12Tracy on April 11, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    Ann,
    i ‘ve been trying to use the feelings messages for a while now…i agree with you and thanks for elaborating with an example because sometimes i feel confused when i am faced with a situation where i feel hurt/Angry/humiliated and i realy want to express how i feel but it always comes out as though i am blaming the other person…it feels awful and i feel bad afterwards.
    I feel that the 2nd example is where i am at right now,just trying to sink into the feeling feeling it,then maybe going out to do something good i enjoy…
    I feel that i need to practise with this first then once i feel confident enough i can slowly try to express my feelings when they do happen and express my truth…
    I feel that my biggest hurdle is expressing my feelings to those close to me because i feel afraid that i may hurt their feelings or make them angry.i feel afraid that if i openly say what iii i feel i will create tension and they will run.
    Yet i stil feel the hurt/humiliation/the sadness…
    Rori is right about being open and expressing our feelings all the time because from from my experience stuffing them inside only makes it worse
    I feel the same difficulty as cassandra of being open with my feelings most of the time,i guess being aunthetic as well but i am practising slowly…
    Ann i feel glad your hubby is out of hospital,big cyber hug and will continue to pray for him.

    Daria,
    Loved your experience and how you shared your feelings with the guy.I had problems in the past with me always paying bills for guys on dates and always feeling obligated TO HELP with their financial problems.It felt bad afterwards but i kept doing it over and over again…just the other day i went for a date made sure i didn’t carry any money because sometimes i get carried away,and the guy paid for everything including the bus tickets.I just sat there smiled and enjoyed myself and i felt like a goddess actually…i didn’t feel bad that i wasn’t helping with the bill because HE wanted to spend time with me so i availed myself and had fun just being a girl and being treated as such..It felt great more so because i realized i’ve been the guy in most of my previous encounters….
    I feel inspired to be more aunthetic with my feeling messages especiially to this guy i like who keeps coming back to my life…i want to use him as a messanger practise with him the next time he shows up..i feel that he triggers my fears and self doubt and for most times i stuff my feelings inside and i feel that if i can learn to be honest with him then i will make a huge step…meanwhile i am enjoying circular dating..



  13.  #13Ann on April 11, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Daria I liked your responses in your scenario. Your ” I feel grossed out” comment made me remember a liitle secret I’d like to share. I’ve seen this work but I don’t have it ingrained good enough to be second nature. Secret to come….

    Tracy thank you for the hug and prayers. I really appreciate the support.

    I completely understand that in the heat of the moment it’s very hard to speak what I feel in non blaming ways. I believe that’s why Rori tells us to always use them all the time so they’ll be the way we speak.

    Now for that secret. I know one word that will get a man’s attention fast if he’s being sarcastic, or teasing to roughly. I imagine it would even get his attention if he was angry as long as it was said sincerely. The funny thing is this was showed to me by a man. I feel this word convays alot to a man, like that wasn’t nice, or that was uncalled for and/or that hurt.

    The one word is: OUCH

    Experiment with it for yourself.

    Maybe Daria if you didn’t feel comfortable saying “I feel grossed out” you could simply say “gross”.



  14.  #14Linmayu on April 11, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    I feel intrigued by Ann’s housework-feeling message conversation. What would I say, I wonder?

    Let’s say someone(anyone my man, friend, child, parent etc…) said “I just heard of a class on housekeeping the university will be offering next week. You might want to take it I noticed your windows need cleaning, and I saw ashes and cigerette butts in the ashtray. You might could use the help.”

    My response: Wow, I feel kind of icky.

    Their response: What do you mean you feel icky? I was just pointing out things you might of missed I was just being truthful.

    My response: I feel angry. I don’t like to feel judged and criticized.

    I wonder what they’d say back to that.



  15.  #15Daria on April 11, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    I WANNA FEEL GODDESSY WITH MY EXES.. I FEEL CONFIDENT I WILL SUCCEED AS THAT IS ALL ABOUT ME AND HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF AND I CAN FEEL GOOD I WANT TO FEEL GOOD AROUND ANYONE AND ITS OK IF SOMETIMES I FEEL BAD I WANT TO FEEL GOOD YES YESYES



  16.  #16searchingwithin on April 12, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    This is what keeps going through my head as I read this and the responses.

    First off, remember in the housecleaning scenario, if this person made that comment to begin with, my first though running through my head would be questioning what is going on with her that she spends so much time worrying about my dirty windows, and ashes in my ashtray. Here again, this is her issue, not yours, until of course she brings it up which hurts or offends you. Where’s the message? Why does her comment trigger you? How others see us is not what we should be worried about here, it is how we see ourselves that matters. What negative belief about ourselves do we have that causes us to be triggered by their comment.

    So in not blaming, but taking responsibility for your reaction and emotions, which are not their fault, but triggered by your own core beliefs about yourself, this scene is actually a learning experience about both of you, and both of your triggers.



  17.  #17Tracy on April 12, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    okay i am wondering how i would react to this situation,

    I would feel hurt and offended that they think that way….i would feel angry…so then they would definitely trigger me.
    Search within i liked how you looked at it though,
    this person triggers me,based on what he/she says,i feel angry/hurt/humiliated….i process through that….so now i am feeling angry,i want to lash out and ask him/her to back off,or what their problem is…
    But question is i am angry because of what they have said…hence the trigger or how i feel about it….my reaction towards all this for me is the ultimate decision on whether i deal with the situation well or not…

    The truth is,though i feel angry i feel that i do my best to clean up the house and keep it dirty,maybe i never noticed the dirty windows…maybe i should look into it…but i am happy with how my house is,it may not be the best but its good enough for me…so i remind myself that…
    For me,i would try and convey how i feel,judged maybe and express that i feel that i do my best but the suggestion if i feel is something i would look into then i would….
    maybe i am getting it all wrong but i feel that what really matters is not what he/she thinks of my dirty windows,but the fact that i acknowledge how i feel about her expression,speak my truth where need be,from a place where i am confident of who i am and how i feel…and its not about the other person but about me…



  18.  #18Tracy on April 12, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    I guess the biggest hurdle is being strong on the inside….that i learn to focus on me all the time…that when i feel triggered i look at it from my eyes…i ask myself why i feel so triggered,i try and get myself to the good feeling part…i feel that by learning that,then i can manage to always switch to a good place whenever someone says/does something that triggers me…
    I was taking an inventory of my life yesterday and i realized that almost every guy i dated in the past was emotionally unavailable…I feel like i picked and i was only attracted to that,and the more they said no,the more i hang on…
    Now my question is why was i so attached to these men..I had fairly loving parents,we had financial problems,still do and as a result of this i had to take up and care for some of my siblings and it feels overwhelming sometimes and i feel overloaded…could this be the reason?And should i also mention that almost all these men were also financially unstable and hence my constant need to help them…i feel that i created a pattern…i feel that i need to figure out why exactly…
    Previously i’d look at these guyz as though they were prizes from heaven and i owed them so much for them accepting to hang out with me…Its like i was not worth of their time…it feels embarrassing admitting it…
    so when i read about about the window cleaning,my past self would have felt grateful to the other person for letting me know and angry at self for always being on the wrong…i feel i am not perfect and i should be proud of who i am…no matter what..then i can build from there….

    Sorry for hogging on the blog,the whole conversation has really triggered my past…thanks ladies..



  19.  #19DocK on April 13, 2009 at 7:42 am

    I guess, luckily, I haven’t had a lot of experience with “doing” for men in response to their asking. I have done things for them that felt right and joyful and playful to me but I do remember a couple of past relationships where I seemed to be expected to drive to their home(s) (often) for some reason or another – did NOT like that but didn’t have Rori’s rules then to know how to speak up. Yuck, yick!!!

    In terms of anger/hurt, not long ago was supposed to get together with a guy. I knew it was iffy but was waiting to hear something more definite. The day finally came and no him (phone call or showing up) so I talked with him about it. I said, ‘I feel disappointed, it would have felt so fun to get together. I know that mix-ups happen. When we have something that is “iffy” or a “maybe” I would like it if we could confirm one way or the other. What do you think?’

    He apologized all over himself and that his intent wasn’t to leave me hanging and agreed we would do that from now on and seemed grateful that I hadn’t been accusatory or blaming.

    Before I was able to do this, however, I DID go through all of these scenarios that Rori describes (and how delighful to see her work through this process herself as example) – building up stories, angry, ‘how dare he’ and all that. I never would have been able to put the words together as I did and have a much more calm, loving response (but still stating what ‘I want’) if it were not for Rori : )



  20.  #20Mercedes on April 13, 2009 at 9:50 am

    ok…this is maybe why I’m here. I really suck at feeling messages!! Bad!!!

    If I were in the housekeeping situation there are two ways I would deal with it.

    If we were talking about MY house, I’d say “If it makes you uncomfortable, you should spend more time at your place than mine. When we’re together, I’ll make sure I’m ready when you come to pick me up so you don’t have to come in.” Then I wait through the uncomfortable silence until he figures out what to say…

    If we were talking about OUR house (meaning we live together), I’d tell him we keep the cleaner under the sink in the kitchen so anytime he’s feeling uncomfortable about the cleanliness of the place, he’s more than welcome to do what he needs to do to feel better. Again…I’d simply wait to see what he comes up with as a response…

    PLEASE NOTE: THIS WAS NOT ADVICE!!! I SUCK AT FEELING MESSAGES AND YET I STRONGLY APPROVE OF THEM!!!

    It’s like with another post I did several weeks ago. My boyfriend told me an outfit I had on didn’t look good on me. I said: “I’ll be sure to let you know next time I’m planning on wearing it and you can make sure you avoid me.” It worked, he doesn’t make rude comments about my clothes anymore…but…I didn’t tell him it hurt my feelings. I was honest though. Next time I wore that dress, I called him in advance. He apologized and said he shouldn’t have said it that way…we laughed and I still wear it.

    Anyway…much better to tell a man how such comments make you FEEL but I’m not good at it (not even comfortable with practicing…I use feeling messages ONLY when it’s critical to me that he’s listening and that the subject has potential to be a “deal breaker” for me).

    As I said…I think that’s why I’m here…feeling messages are not exactly my speciality…LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Oh…on another note…about overfunctioning: I seldom overfunction (I suck at that too…LOL), but I have a friend visiting from out of state and we were talking with my bf the other night. He said to her “Want to hear something that she does that’s really sweet?” Then he said “when we eat pizza and watch a movie together, she always takes my plate to the kitchen…every time. I love that.” To be honest, I didn’t even realize I was doing it (although looking back, I really do…every time) but it was so good to hear that he appreciates it enough to bring it up to a friend of mine. I think it’s because I DON’T overfunction that he notices when I do something small. He doesn’t expect me to take care of him in any way, so when I do something that is sort of taking care of him…he notices and appreciates. That’s so cool!



  21.  #21Linmayu on April 13, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Mercedes, I’ve done the “anytime you’re uncomfortable with the cleanliness of the place, you’re welcome to do whatever you need to do to feel better” thing. Never worked for me. He just didn’t get it and said that he COULDN’T do the cleaning task because he “didn’t know how” and that I was inconsiderate and horrible and all manner of things. I feel utterly flabbergasted and furious just thinking about it. This was an otherwise intelligent individual, but the sheer idiocy of that and other things that came out of his mouth just floored me, time and time again and I would become very angry and yet have nothing useful to say.



  22.  #22Mercedes on April 13, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Linmayu: WOW!!! Yes…that’s a pretty stupid thing for a guy to say…and because I’m so sarcastic and rude sometimes, I wouldn’t handle it very well. “Here honey…you might be slow but I’m a good teacher and I have patience….put the spray bottle in your left hand and point the nozzle away from your face…now…take the paper towel in your right hand…no…bunch it up a little to make yourself a loosly formed ball…”

    Goodness!! How did you put up with that?!? I’d go ballistic on the poor man! LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  23.  #23Rori Raye on April 13, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Mercedes – This is so fascinating. I’m aware that I’m always looking for a provocative angle, a way to bring up something that isn’t obvious in a comment a see here – and I would be surprised if you’re not offended by my take on this – but here goes.

    Unless my man was continually critical of me, and so that was a component of our relationship that I had to deal with (and I don’t think this is happening with you – your boundaries are too strong for that) if he actually cared enough and felt strongly enough that what I was wearing wasn’t attractive to him – I’d go change clothes immediately.

    So there. I’d wear that dress out to lunch with my girlfriends.

    I see my own daughter go out in all kinds of clothes (and I’m not very good with clothes myself) – and all the jumbled colors and styles are fine, I get those – but when she wears something that makes her look much heavier, and slouchy, and makes her look like a homeless person instead of a cutting edge, free spirited girl – I WISH I could say something without hurting her feelings, but that’s impossible unless she ASKS me.

    Unless a man is a fashionista – if he doesn’t like something we wear, it’s because he doesn’t like the way WE look in it. And I absolutely see no point in wearing anything that is not attractive to the man I love – ESPECIALLY if he has the balls to speak up.

    Getting “hurt” is in the eye of the beholder. You could look at it that he was telling you the Truth. Perhaps it’s NOT a flattering dress. Being stylish is not the same thing as looking good, being attractive, sexy – it’s not the same thing as “becoming.”

    if we are going to be about telling the truth here – radical honesty – then our men have to be able to do it, too, without fear of us feeling hurt and defensive. If I were to choose clothes that so did not look attractive to my man that he actually SAID something about it (they’re not supposed to notice, remember) I would have to say – “Wow – that felt icky. I wish you liked this dress, because I do, and at the same time I really appreciate your telling me what’s true for you. Actually, I’m feeling a lot of stuff around it, but I’m going to go change now.”

    This is a huge challenge. Feeling Messages are about vulnerability and an end to defensiveness of all kinds – Strong Surrender is the end of the “Stance” –

    If you all have strong feelings around this – I’ll turn it into a post…Love, Rori



  24.  #24Rori Raye on April 13, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Cassandra – the answer to how to tell him when he’s done something that upset you:
    1. Know it has nothing to do with him – he didn’t do anything TO you – YOU got triggered.
    2. Frame it this way – “When this happened…I felt…”
    3. If you have to say over and over – I don’t want to accuse you of anything or blame you. It just feels good to be honest and share that when you say or do things like that, I feel triggered, and I feel upset – and I just wanted to get that out there so I wouldn’t stuff down my feelings and get defensive and …”

    Try it this way. Love, Rori



  25.  #25Rori Raye on April 13, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Ann – so sorry you have to go through this – and I keep holding the idea that this is treatable and will be okay.

    About the feeling message. the truth here is someone has just told you you’re a lousy, messy housekeeper – and they’ve done it in a normal tone of voice – so that’s a passive aggressive message in that the hostility and complaint is completely disguised.

    Our instinct is to always defend.
    The smart way to do this is the old fashioned assertiveness training way: You AGREE with them.

    Oh, got – I just felt awful there. I feel like you think I’m a slob, and I actually feel angry with you pointing it out, but thank you for telling me the truth, and yes, there are ashes in the ashtray, and there’s no toilet paper on the holder, and I haven’t washed the windows.

    (At this point – you will feel SO much better!)

    And just keep on like this. If they’ve said anything truthful – own it. Agree if it’s the truth, and then say how you feel about the experience. Love, Rori



  26.  #26Rori Raye on April 13, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    And if it’s not true – go with how frustrated you feel, and yes, I like the riffing and channeling into something else. You can’t really go wrong here – a long as you don’t get defensive.

    Mercedes – I love the way you talk back to a man – and to me it feels very individual – very unique to you – and most of us could never do it in an authentic way. And yet – if that’s ALWAYS your first move, your first instinct – my guess is that you’re also burying your true feelings. You must, on the inside, feel like the little girl we all feel like when someone criticizes us – some of the time. And if you never get to express that little girl, you’re missing out on some of the great things intimacy has to offer you.

    There’s a HUGE difference between “weakness” and “vulnerability.” I’d love to see someone with your tremendous strength of character and ability to wittily “talk back” experiment with that and tell us all about it. Love, Rori



  27.  #27Ann on April 13, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    Thank you Rori. I posted a update on the “Twilight and Transparency” thread so will just say here the tumor isn’t cancerous which feels like a huge relief. Even tho I know there’s still a ways to go with treatment.

    You said: “Our instinct is to always defend.
    The smart way to do this is the old fashioned assertiveness training way: You AGREE with them.”

    Before becoming a part of this community I can tell you what my first response would of been if this had actually happened. I would of said “if all you came here for was to critize my housekeeping then you can leave. I don’t keep house to please you” Now to my hubby I would of said ” you’re grown help clean it.

    And with men by first instinct was always to react with anger or a smart crack lol I’m know around here for my attitude and not taking no crap just because you are a man.

    However, since becoming part of this community I have soften up more. I want to be more feminine. I was feeling too aggressive to me. I can actually
    see and feel men responding to the softeness. It feels good and I don’t feel weak or powerless.

    I for one would like to learn more about Strong Surrender.



  28.  #28Linmayu on April 13, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    Mercedes, I put up with it and stuffed everything down because I thought I had no choice–no right to express myself and my real feelings and desires. And, since I’m very Not Good at stuffing things down and keeping them in (no one is, really), I did go ballistic on him, probably a couple hundred times over the course of a six-year marriage, about completely unrelated stuff.

    Also, well, they don’t get a lot of press here these days, but my ex did have his good qualities. He was very loyal and faithful–well, until he decided not to be, but he lasted 5 years and that’s more than a lot of guys can do–he was smart, funny as hell, got along with ALL my friends and relatives, and showed me how to live a kinder, gentler life with softer edges, a life in which the details actually matter. Yeah, if you can believe it, I was even MORE masculine and sarcastic and full of self-hatred before I met him. I might as well have grown a penis, for how masculine I was (and how much I hated myself for being a woman).

    Not to mention, *before* we got married, he was actually quite passionate, in a way that absolutely claimed every cell of my body. I guess I hung on mainly in the blind hope that the spark we once had could be rekindled. If anyone else could have felt how good it had been, no one would ever judge me for wanting it back.



  29.  #29searchingwithin on April 14, 2009 at 5:16 am

    @Tracy, I have been doing a lot of reading of emotionally unavailable people, and this is what I have learned, and I will try to keep it short and simple. Like attracts like, that is why you should become that which you seek. If you are attracting emotionally unavailable men, and this took me awhile to see in my own self, you, yourself are also emotionally unavailable, and that is why you are always drawn to them, and yes, so to speak, you are walking around with a neon sign on your forehead, subconsciously we all know exactly what signs to look for. Now, one is actively acting emotionally unavailable and the other is passively acting emotionally unavailable, and so the game is played. But it always pushing away with one hand, and pulling back with the other. In other words you are afraid of loosing or being hurt by someone, so you push them away in an attempt to leave them first, or not to be hurt, but once you push them back, you really don’t want them to leave, so you work hard at bringing them back. Push/pull, push/pull.

    Also, I was reading at article the other day about the “drama triangle”, each side consisting of victim, rescuer, and procecuter, and although we change our roles throughout conversations, etc., many times, we always come to the table playing the part and being primarily one of these roles. If you are the rescuer, you seek out people to rescue, which is what you appear to be. Here is the article. http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html



  30.  #30Mercedes on April 14, 2009 at 6:34 am

    Linmayu: I think it’s wonderful that you can see the good qualities in your ex. I have that about mine too…there are some things (no matter how bad it got) that I simply can’t take away from him and I would never try. We were two good people who weren’t good for each other.

    Rori: I don’t offend easily, so no, I’m certainly not offended by your take on this. We’re just different. I’m here to learn because I believe all of us can learn from each other. The fact that I would never change the dress and you would….doesn’t matter…we’re both doing what feels right to us. For a lot of women, they would feel very uncomfortable all night long in that dress after a comment like that. For me, I imagine that he isn’t looking at the dress (true? He isn’t? I don’t really know or care) but instead, he looking into my eyes and his focus is on my heart, not what I’m wearing. It turned out really well for me because now, when I put it on, he says “Oh, oh, oh…you’re wearing my favorite dress” (very sarcastically of course) and with a sexy little smile on my face I’ll say “mmmhmm…you turned on yet?” and THAT…ALWAYS…leads to a kiss! YAY for ME! 🙂

    Please understand, it’s not that I don’t hurt. I just don’t hurt quite that easily. But…when I do…we’re together and I’m using feeling messages (which I learned from you…before this, I would cry and ask what I did wrong and ask how I can fix it, etc, etc, etc). I tell him I feel hurt…I tell him I feel scared…etc. What I don’t do is let little things hurt me. If a man criticized my house cleaning, I simply handle it differently (as a matter of fact, my man did say something once about my being a slob…the situation was different – it was HIS house, not mine and not ours – and I actually wrote a post about it on my blog a month or so ago. It was on my rule “Don’t Change Yourself but DO Change Your Behaviors”. I got defensive in my heart and my head and went through a lot of other emotions as well and ended up well…basically…I changed the dress…anyway…it was different but the same sort of situation…).

    So…what was I talking about? Oh yeah…feeling messages vs being witty. Here’s the difference for me: When I am truly hurt, I address that…right away…I don’t allow myself to suffer through it by myself until I reach the point where I push it down and pretend it didn’t happen. We talk about it and he knows how I feel. When it’s something silly, I flirt with him. I talk back and I’m sarcastic, but it’s in such a sexy way (sometimes while my tongue is in his ear) that it ends up being a pretty intimate and fun moment. When it’s downright mean (and stupid like telling me how bad the house looks when he hasn’t lifted a finger) I get sarcastic in a less than sexy way…but I don’t let it grow to a fight. With my man, if I were sarcastic and telling him to take the spray bottle in his left hand, etc he’d end up laughing with me. It would be a joke. He’d say “but I just can’t GET it! Can you do it for me?” and I’d say “no baby, you can learn this…I know you can” and before you know it, WE’D be washing the damn windows. Again, it all depends on the situation and really how I’m feeling. True hurt always gets expressed. The “what did you just say? because, clearly I didn’t just hear THAT come out of your mouth” gets treated differently.

    Also, on a REALLY important note: My boyfriend knows me very well. So…when he tells me he doesn’t like the dress, he KNOWS I’m not going to change. When he says something stupid and I get sarcastic…he knows I didn’t like it and he works just as hard as I do to “take it back” in a way. He can read me and part of that is because I’ve been so honest with him about my boundaries. He’s aware of them all and respects them.

    So…two very different takes on this (and that’s why I stressed that I don’t advise others to follow that particular lead of mine). I do things differently than a lot of women…but you are correct…that is unique to me. It is authentic and…well…it WORKS for me. And to add icing to the cake…my boyfriend finds it sexy.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  31.  #31Tracy on April 14, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    searchwithin,

    Thanks for the response..
    I actually feel that i have been emotionally un available i just didn’t really see it and now that i feel it, i don’t really know how to handle it….I feel that i need to figure out why i am like that first…I am trying to be authentic speaking my heart out…its only the beginning and my past is starting to unfold…mmaybe from that i can figure things out..
    You were so right when you said that one is scared of being hurt so you pull away then come back and try to win the person over…i feel myself doing that all the time..i guess for me i really didn’t feel as though i deserved a good and loving relationship yet the irony is thats exactly what i was looking for….so i feel confused about why i would pull away from that and more so why i would hang on to people who i felt could not offer me that…its really not making sense…



  32.  #32Mercedes on April 14, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Oh…I forgot…I was going to address this comment of yours too Rori:

    “Unless a man is a fashionista – if he doesn’t like something we wear, it’s because he doesn’t like the way WE look in it. And I absolutely see no point in wearing anything that is not attractive to the man I love – ESPECIALLY if he has the balls to speak up.”

    My man is a pretty typical man – SORRY TO ALL THE MEN READING THIS…I MEAN NO OFFENSE….LOL 🙂 – in one way and one way only:

    When it comes to clothes…the sexier the better for him (sexy…not slutty…he wouldn’t want me showing it all – or even most of it – to others…but…he appreciates a short skirt and high heels…).

    The way he likes me to dress is how I usually dress when we go out. I do want him to find me attractive and so as long as I AM COMFORTABLE WITH THE OUTFIT, if he tells me we’re going to a new club, I look sexy and beautiful. If he tells me we’re having dinner with his boss, I look classy and beautiful. If he tells me we’re going to run to McD’s quick…I look cute. I love it when I know he’s proud to have me on his arm…and it doesn’t take much balls for him to speak up..he’s pretty much willing to tell me what he thinks. LOL..if he wasn’t, can you imagine what his life would be like with me??? HeeHee!! 🙂 🙂

    However, when I pick the place because the people we are going to meet are co-workers of MINE. I select a more “business appropriate” attire. It’s my career and even though he doesn’t like the particular dress I’m wearing…doesn’t mean I want to change. I wouldn’t feel good about myself if I let him control that. I feel good in that dress. I know it sets the right (perfect) image for what I want to convey in the business world (when the business world is colliding with the social world especially) and I genuinally LIKE it. He doesn’t get to dress me.

    This particular dress isn’t something I wear all the time, but I do wear it when the situation calls for it and when it’s what I want to wear. He really doesn’t have to like every dress or shirt or skirt or pair of jeans I own. He knows what’s under those clothes…and I’m more than happy to show that stuff to him later should he want to see…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33Daria on April 14, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Hehe Mercedes I could really relate to what you are saying.

    This reminds me of highschool when a guy freind asked me if my boyfriend lets me wear taht (a sexy outfit). I felt shocked and indignant that he thought my boyfriend can decide what I wear.



  34.  #34Deena on April 14, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    What an awesome article and thread!

    My ex husband was super critical of my housekeeping and everything! Turns out, he was just a mean person. I’ll never twist myself into a pretzel trying to accommodate a man. A guy thinks my house is dirty, too bad for him. He doesn’t like what I am wearing, too bad for him.

    I used to date someone who decided to have poor hygiene. He was really clean when we first started dating but then let his showering and deodorant wearing go by the way side. Yuk!

    I would gently try to get him to bathe and he never would when I would ask him. I suggested us shower together and he wouldn’t do it.

    Finally the shoe was on the other foot as there was something I did that HE didn’t like. He didn’t hesitant to nag me about it lol. I wear dentures and one weekend one had just rubbed my gum raw so I wasn’t wearing it. He seemed really mad I wasn’t wearing it and kept saying I should wear my teeth.

    I didn’t comply and I mentioned the not bathing thing when I had asked him to nicely.

    yeah it was probably a bit catty but I thought he had some nerve to nag me about my teeth when he thought it was funny to stink and not bathe.

    This same guy; there were times I felt like a taxi cab.

    He didn’t drive at all. Never got a driver;s license and didn’t know how to drive. So, guess who did all the driving and picking him up and so on and so on? Me!

    There were buses to my house easy enough to take but he was too lazy to do it. My fault for allowing it to go on.

    Some weekends I just felt so used. He wanted to use my washer and dryer, wanted me to buy him fast food (conveniently forgetting his wallet), then have me haul him around to the grocery store and such as it was really hot outside.

    It got to when he would call, instead of being happy, I dreaded it thinking gee whiz what does he want now.

    Yuk.

    It was my fault for allowing this to go on and being nice and doing too much.

    I know better now.

    I stopped the taxi service, paying for things, laundry service and just everything.



  35.  #35Mercedes on April 15, 2009 at 6:18 am

    Yeah Daria…that’s how I feel about it. I love to dress the way my man likes me to dress because I really do want him to find me attractive and want him to be proud to have me on his arm…but…I’ve been a Barbie doll before and I’m not about that. I KNOW I’m attractive (I don’t mean that in a cocky way…it’s simply how I feel about myself) so…I don’t need a guy telling me how to dress. Yes, I dress the way he likes most of the time, but the “dress he doesn’t like” thing is the same to me as him telling me I can’t wear yoga pants or sweats or flannel on a day when I’m sick and laying around on the couch. I’m POSITIVE that’s not attractive to him…but really? Should I go put on a sexy little black dress because that’s what he likes? NOPE!

    Same concept…different situation… 🙂

    Deena: We all have those situations where we have to look back and say “OMG! What was I THINKING?”. I hope you can look back and say that and laugh. Cudos to you for moving on…that’s overfunctioning to the extreme and being taken advantage because of it. I’m glad you’re not there anymore! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  36.  #36Cassandra on April 15, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Rori and everyone…thank you so much for your suggestions on exactly what I can say when I get triggered/ my feelings hurt as a result of being triggered. The suggestions all have helped me alot. Rori I have said the words that you suggested over and over to myself so that they are ‘in my head’ and then when the situation arises again they are there to make my own. Thanks for your help.

    Ann….I am thrilled that your husbands’ results came back showing that the tumor is NOT cancerous!!!! I feel so relieved for you and so happy for you! I also loved your suggestion of just simply using the word ‘OUCH’ and I have used it a few times here and there and it also definitely makes my man ask me what I meant thereby opening the door for me to use feelings messages. The more I move forward with these wonderful tools the more I see not only how great they do work but also how you really do have to be using them with a man who can dance. I FINALLY get it. If he can’t dance then he simply can’t understand why everything and I mean everything is not about him. I am so fully and keenly aware now of how toxic this situation is BUT with everything that happens in life there is alot to be learned and in some ways I am thankful for the situation because I am FINALLY learning things about myself that will help me create the life and love that I want and deserve.

    Tracy and Searchingwithin…..I could so relate to your posts about being emotionally available. Lately I have been wondering if I myself i am actually emotionally UNavailable because every man and I mean EVERY man that I have had in my life romantically has been totally and completely emotionally UNavailable. I had never thought that I was the one keeping them at a distance but the more I learn to use Rori’s tools the more that I am seeing that it is partly me being unavailable as well. I still struggle with being totally authentic but feel that I am taking those baby steps each day to open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable. It does feel so scary though most days and that right there….the fact that it does feel so scary to me is what has opened my eyes to the fact that I too am still pretty UNavailable. Baby steps. 🙂