Are You On Your Path To Love?

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pondLet’s say: “You are on the path of your divine nature.”

And – What does that mean?

If you live a faith-based life, that makes sense to you, and if your life philosophy is more “existential,” it may sound like “hooey.”

So – let me extend to you an idea that can work no matter what your philosophy is – and that’s simply the last word: “nature.”

1.Imagine this as a life philosophy that can “fix” everything for you right away: When, in any moment you can remember, you felt “peaceful” – go there.

2. What does that feel like – that memory?

3. If you go there, physically, in the most real way you can in this moment – what do you experience?

4. Imagine it this way: wherever you are, in whatever state you find yourself, if you can feel a sense of “peace” – you will also notice that you are NOT in your head, thinking.

“Peace” is a non-thinking state. It’s a “being” state.

It has an “in-the-zone” quality.

5. If you take a very good group improvisation class (like the group in the new movie “Don’t Think Twice”) – you’ll have a great tutorial and experience of how this works.

Same for sports. The gymnasts, tennis players, basketball players ALL have extensive psychological training of some kind that teaches them to “be in the moment.”

They all KNOW that the moment they go “into their heads,” they lose the “zone.”

So – back to “Divine Nature”:

6. If “in-the-zone,” “out-of-your-head,” “in-the-moment” works professionally for actors, writers, painters, athletes… – then how can WE get the training to do what they KNOW to do? What they KNOW works?

7. To go there, we have to believe, with some kind of philosophy that there I such a place as “in-the-zone,” “out-of-your-head,” “in-the-moment.”

8. So – what can we call this place?  This place that is not constructed of our brainpower, our logic, our rational, thoughtful mind self?

Where does it come from?

9. Again, if you’re faith-based – you can easily and always say this is where God lives. This is the God zone, and we “go there” by grace.

New-age types like myself, see this grace as “all there is.” Therefore, we don’t need to “go” anywhere! It all simply is. It is “nature” to be “in-the-zone,” “out-of-your-head,” “in-the-moment.”

This, then, IS grace. This IS god. This “space” where there is no thought is the “source” of all that exists – and so – we need do nothing but “be with it” to experience it.

Therefore, “peace” is a “natural” state of being.

This allows you to stop thinking about trying to “get” to this “better” place…and simply allows you to continually drop all the constant, consistent things we do and think that essentially act like blocks to this grace that is.

10. If none of this “grace-based” philosophy works for you…how about:

11. Nature-based.

This moment of “in-the-zone,” “out-of-your-head,” “in-the-moment” is simply the nature of the universe. It’s simply about experience, rather than “strategy” or “construct.”

With this as a philosophy, what you “do” as a scientist, engineer, actor, athlete, cook, mother, typist, coach, doctor, receptionist, anything –  the information, equations, breakthroughs, ahas you “get” – come not from your puny personal brain, but are somehow drawn TO your personal brain.

Somehow, the information is flowing to your brain from the physics that exist. You’ve “grokked” it.

This doesn’t have to be about God or grace. It can be about “What Is.” It can be about physics.

We’re still always dealing with the nature of the universe, which we still do not understand fully.

12. Try relating your experience  with a tree in the woods with your experience with a man in a restaurant.

Try relating the feeling of your experience tasting something astounding that you’ve never eaten before with your experience in a painful conversation with a man you like or love.

Try relating the feeling of choosing a path to the stores you like in the mall to the experience of speaking or not speaking a feeling you have to the man in front of you.

This is nature.

13. And – essentially, wherever it comes from, it’s not literally coming from your brain.

You know that, because you can feel it. It’s somehow coming in from your entire experience, not just your mind. It’s got your emotions involved, too – yet, it’s not just your emotions, either.

It’s the “whole” of your experience.

14. See what this different kind of “perception” can do to expand your experience from simply what’s going on in your brain to what’s going on everywhere.

Love, Rori

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34 Comments

  1.  #1sara on August 12, 2016 at 5:09 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I don’t know if you respond to posts here. I am in a relationship with a man. There are of course difficulties and I am not sure uf thus is a ‘normal ‘ level of difficulty or not. I think deep down I don’t feel great about who I am, I think it’s because as a child I was always told I was bad, or jealous of my sister (when I was just 2 years old), or that I just wasn’t a good person. I am trying to see myself differently but it’s a struggle. As a result, if anyone criticises me, I automatically think they are right, and panic about it. My ex husband knew this well, and used my insecurity to attack my character on a daily basis, even after divorce. Now my partner has started picking fault with me. He told me I have a bad heart over an argument which was totally uncalled for, but it was the worst thing for me to hear because that is of course enforcing what I was told as a child. He then backtracked and said he meant something else. Recently he has started repeating another fault, saying I am miserable and don’t smile. This is in fact not true, but I feel he is now at a stage where he is picking one thing after the next about me. Why do men do this? I never pick faults with him, and in fact everybody tells him he is lucky to be with me. I am younger, have a better financial place , he lives in my house, and maybe he feels threatened? I never say anything to him, but he is in his late 40s wuth no house, no financial stability, and decision making. I often think if I deserved to be with someone better, but feel equally that I am OK to settle with him. I don’t think either of us are madly in love. The main question is what to do if a man is criticising you? Do I ignore it and not pay attention to it? Do I address it? Do I point out his shortcomings so he doesn’t feel on a high horse? I feel like I need a siren strategy for this, so please tell me and other women here what you think.xxx



  2.  #2Rori Raye on August 13, 2016 at 10:01 am

    Sara – brilliant and painful question!
    This is what Feeling Messages are made for! You must communicate with him over these old triggers that your old stuff is still attracting (I know this well, personally – attracting a critical partner!).

    You’ll have to steady yourself, feel what you feel (awful, yes), and then say the same thing over and over as it happens…”wow, I hear you, and those words feel just awful to me.”

    Then, you you see what he does and says.

    If he keeps attacking, the opportunity is to keep communicating: “I’m feeling icky, and it’s turning me off.”

    If he keeps going, you say: “Thank you for letting me know how angry you are, and I hear it, and right now, I can’t hear anymore, so I’m going to go get some tea (or whatever else feels better right in that moment)” And you turn around and walk away.

    If at any point he backtracks and apologizes – smile big, and acknowledge how good that feels and how much you appreciate him working these things out with you.

    It doesn’t matter what’s going on with HIM – unless he cannot adjust to your new communications. He may step up the attacks for awhile, but sooner or later, your “..this turns me off” will make him want to try a new tactic that gets him more of what he wants: approval, sex, respect…

    Love, Rori



  3.  #3Angela on August 15, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    I like this post. It feels like its about feeling, living in the now, not being in my brain all the time.
    And it feels scary good. It feels so scary to give up trying to control situations but at the same time the unknown can be peaceful. i like that. I like not being in my head and not judging everything.
    Thank you Rori.
    How can i apply this to my life? Maybe letting go a little bit? Its scary i feel like i can be hurt if i make the wrong decisions but i rather not live the anticipation of getting hurt, it ruins things.

    Im seeing the same man, the widow, and although he is calling more because i told him that it doesn’t feel right to have no communication, he doesnt plan dates. Mostly he calls me when he is around my neighborhood and we have sex.
    We talk and we have sex.
    And when i questioned him about this, i asked “are we just friends with benefits? ”
    He said “no we are not , we are seeing how things go and we are already in it.”
    When i asked what was it. he said, “it is you with the doubts not me so when you have doubts it makes me doubt” We have agreed to date only each other.
    And i replied well it feels like friends with benefits, because there is only sex and no getting to know each other in other ways.

    SO here is the deal he says he cant move forward if i dont change.
    Because i am a devoted Rori Raye girl i rarely if ever initiate contact with him, I only respond and in the past this has always worked. I like to receive i guess.

    He said to me, “i feel i lost interest because i didnt see care from your part.”
    I was shocked i thought i was a good girl and giving when he initiated.
    So he says these things have to change that he wants me to call and ask about his day too.
    This is tricky i feel like i dont know how to pick up the phone and call a man.
    And yet, it feels wonderful maybe vulnerable to open myself to this.
    I kinda like it. He is asking for what he needs to i guess .Men have needs too.
    I want to do the calling when i am in a state of peace and of giving love. and how can that be wrong?
    Its tricky, i think, to be with a man like this. He even talks in feeling messages! he said to me last night. oh “it feels so good to hear that from you.”
    Im wondering if there is any way to amp up attraction we have been seeing each other for a month.
    Is that too soon to be bf and gf?
    I want him to be into me…but I guess theres nothing you can do to make a man want you more. the attraction is there or its not.
    But sometimes i do wonder if there is something in me that doesnt allow him to be crazy into me.
    Too much overthinking hahaha, I want to be in the now! I trust that things are perfect as they are.



  4.  #4Victoria on August 16, 2016 at 5:29 am

    Angela,
    “Im wondering if there is any way to amp up attraction we have been seeing each other for a month.”.
    I have wondered about this many times. Not about when is it too soon to be bg/gf but about how to amp up attraction.
    I think what works best is to take the focus off him and to focus on you and what makes you happy, engaged and satisfied, besides this man. Ger a life, get a very very busy life, busy with activities that you enjoy, busy with other positive people, personal creative projects whatever. This can not fail. Even if it does not make you more attractive to him, you will love your life, and will meet other people who can find you attractive.
    The thing which kills attraction, in my experience, is laser focusing yourself on your relationship with a man, and on what he is not doing right.



  5.  #5Femininewoman on August 16, 2016 at 7:14 am

    Re 2 – Wow Rori this is huge for me. I am so sensitive to criticisms I build up walls when it happens and sometimes am unable to ever take them down.



  6.  #6IamHis on August 16, 2016 at 9:36 am

    I like younger men. Being around this guy feels so light and easy, like sunshine. It doesn’t feel heavy and emotional. He’s goofy and sweet and so cute and he is so positive. It feels like day after a long hard night. Who knows. just enjoying the moments.



  7.  #7Azure Blu on August 16, 2016 at 12:26 pm

    Victoria!!! LOVE EVERY Word that you wrote!!

    I too have found – when I realized expecting a man to fill ME UP – put all kinds of pressure on a man (cause that is how I feel when it feels like a man is needy and wants ME to fill him up)

    I started getting MORE involved (truly involved) and LOVING **MY** life…
    it was a game changer for me
    and it changed my relationships with men, and actually All my relationships

    When I looked deeply into, and became honest with myself
    I realized that I was EXPECTING all my relationships to fill me up and entertain ME!!
    My sister, my children, my friends my boyfriends.

    BUT when I started appreciating and feeling gratitude and JOY for MY life
    Participating and doing things – different things than I had done before – getting out of my comfort zones…
    I am much happier, satisfied and so much less needy and masculine regarding my relationships…
    it is profoundly empowering and LOVING!!!



  8.  #8Azure Blu on August 16, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    Angela #3
    I agree with you and I have read plenty of things from Rori and Dominque
    that say “If he is asking you to call him, Call HIM!”

    But I also like that you are being observant and you want to be in a calm
    self loving and open hearted vibe when you do call him…

    i know my bf wants me to initiate more than I do… or at least reciprocate more quickly
    we have been seeing each other for 2 years…
    I know I have a tendency to lean way back… so that is my challenge
    to keep my energy with his… and not get lazy! :-))



  9.  #9Angela on August 16, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Victoria, I too, love your response!
    I want to have a fuller happier life!
    I think the path to anything good is an inner peacefulness . i love it.
    I should, and cant wait to start some creative projects!
    And yes, the attraction killer, focusing on him and what he is doing wrong- that resonates with me so much!
    I dont want to focus on him! i want to focus on how i feel. Am i happy or not? Am i judging him too soon or am in my own life and seeing how he shows up when i don’t expect and judge.

    Azure Blue- Yay! That is wonderful to hear, “if he is asking you to call, call! ”
    I love it! I needed to hear this today.
    “to keep my energy with his and not get lazy” that statement sounded so lovely, and playful, and self forgiving at the same time. Love it. thank you!



  10.  #10Tee on August 17, 2016 at 10:35 am

    (Continued from another thread)

    Yesterday, I get home & E is there …UGH lol I knew he was there because he likes to hang out in the bathroom smh drinking and playing Candy Crush

    I was trying to get outta there as fast as possible but it was too late

    He opened the door and asked where the baby was. I shrugged. Then he told me that he went over to the daycare this morning to see how he’s been making out with the therapist

    Since our son was born premature, they figured he might be a bit speech delayed so I have 2 ladies working with him every week

    I found that very interesting considering E has never asked questions or even, to me, seemed remotely concerned about how things were going

    I’m not even sure how he knew to show up on a Tuesday which is when one of the ladies always sees him

    Not sure if that was what set me off or just the entire thing

    Here I am sweating, changing clothes, packing a bag for our son so we can go to the park & he’s laughing and relaxing on the damn toilet

    I get the boy & of course he doesn’t wanna go to the park and he doesn’t wanna go home. He wants to go next door to my aunts where she has a freakin snack drawer that my son loves

    I was just soooo done. I basically just dropped the kid off with my aunt & left without saying much.
    I had to leave. I felt tears coming & I just couldn’t deal at the moment but I let her know that E was home in case she wanted to drop the boy off with him

    I spoke with my aunt about 20 minutes after I left, she tried to bring the baby to E but he either left or wasn’t answering the door or didn’t hear it

    She said she didn’t like being caught in the middle of our mess & wanted to know what was going on since I’ve never acted like this before

    All I kept saying is….You have to ask him. Definitely not the best thing to say considering how he hates hearing anything about US coming from anyone that’s not US.

    I really didn’t know what else to say as I really didn’t wanna break down so she had my son & he was fine of course

    I really didn’t know where to go so I just walked about 10 blocks, picked up some scratch-offs and hung out at McDonalds. (bad choice)

    About an hour later, E calls me. I really didn’t plan on answering the phone but I did. He was still home….he claims he didn’t hear the door when my aunt showed up annnnddd I think he just explained why he’s been disappearing (smh) it’s a long semi-innocent story (sigh)

    I swear I need to get paid for this

    I’m part of this Law of Attraction group. One of the ladies offered to send flowers to the first 15 ladies who sent her an Instant Message.

    I figured I could use a pick-me-up so I sent her a message. Flowers arrived about a week later to my house. Ok so don’t beat me for this but I guess I figured if E saw them, he might act right

    Wrong. I totally underestimated how bad he would view this. I told him that I didn’t know who sent them. He acted like he didn’t care either way so I didn’t bother to give him the story. It’s almost too late now. I lose all credibility if I tell him the truth but I guess things will continue downhill if I dont??

    Anyways….

    I kept them on full display, they were beautiful. This had to be almost 3 weeks/ maybe even a month ago. Each week, if I even mentioned a guys name…he’d ask if that guy sent them. Noo, he didnt.

    So he calls & asks again. I give him the same answer. I don’t know.
    He gets mad & says….You didn’t even bother to ask me if I sent them.

    My answer, I know you didn’t send them because it wouldn’t make sense for you to send them…when you can bring them to me in person

    Then he says, if the shoe was on the other foot…I’d be really mad & I’d wanna know what woman sent him flowers!

    True

    Then he says, And you had them sitting right on the counter!
    I said….Because they were nice!

    He might have said something else but I just remember him hanging up on me

    I didn’t throw anything in there about him disappearing but since he’s been bringing this up ever since, it’s definitely an issue

    Yeah I’m wrong but it wasn’t my initial intention when I thought of the flowers. I didn’t think to use them to get him jealous until they were actually IN the house and he had been “disappearing” before this

    This entire foolishness started because I Forgot to tell him about our Family Reunion smh back in July

    I really didn’t want to go myself but I made myself go because I was feeling sad again over something

    So he started disappearing as a way to retaliate

    Yeah we’re a bunch of toddlers lol

    He claims he wasn’t trying to retaliate but he wanted me to see how it feels when people forget to tell you things

    I don’t purposely forget but he acts like I do. I didn’t think he’d be interested, he’s so busy ripping & running doing his own thing

    He said (after the fact) that I don’t even bother to ask

    (Le sigh)

    So this was yesterday. We didn’t speak much after that phone call.
    He made breakfast this morning. Something he hasn’t done in a very long while

    So that’s where we are right now

    Now, last week….my aunt said that she wouldn’t mind taking the baby for a night so that E & I can have some alone time. She agreed to watch him this Friday night. I have to check to see if she’s still willing considering everything that just happened

    I almost don’t want to invite him out anywhere but I think that this relationship sorta requires it

    The votes not in yet



  11.  #11April Rose on August 17, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    Angela,

    Everything you wrote in your comment reeks to me of lack of romance.
    If it were me I would be feeling so turned off.
    Gone are the days when I open up my body to have sex with a man who does not demonstrate his adoration of me, or doesn’t do some good honest masculine romancing work to win my heart.

    Please please don’t make things so easy for him. You will never receive more than he is giving if you make do with what he is giving. And that seems like very little.

    When you wrote
    “He said to me, “i feel i lost interest because i didnt see care from your part.””

    My first response was “I’m losing interest because I am a girl, and what feels good to me is to be romanced. I need to feel taken care of and this means going on dates. I love to be taken out to places, and to have to my interests considered. That feels good. I lose interest quickly if a man does not take the time and the thought to do that.”



  12.  #12April Rose on August 17, 2016 at 6:14 pm

    It seems to me that you have never considered that it could be YOU who is the one to lose interest. All the power lies with you, because you are the lady. All relationships hinge on whether the man can light the woman’s fire and to what degree.

    We each need to decide how hot we want our fire to be lit!

    Never, NEVER should we be caught on the back foot, questioning whether we are doing things right, for HIM. This seems to happen when the man is giving very little. When a woman is questioning her own actions in this scenario, it makes me feel so angry.

    “I want him to be into me…but I guess theres nothing you can do to make a man want you more. the attraction is there or its not.
    But sometimes i do wonder if there is something in me that doesnt allow him to be crazy into me.”

    Up your value. Don’t give your body until he’s chasing you down and its on your terms.
    Ditch this lazy mother*cker.
    Damn, I feel mad now!!!! And I feel giggly at how this fire flares up in me because I want the best for us women!



  13.  #13Angela on August 17, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    Omg April Rose- Your comments are everything, they feel so passionate.
    You’re the type of woman I want to be!
    I can be that woman!
    ” everything you wrote in your comment reeks to me of lack of romance.
    If it were me I would be feeling so turned off.
    Gone are the days when I open up my body to have sex with a man who does not demonstrate his adoration of me, or doesn’t do some good honest masculine romancing work to win my heart.”
    I love this.
    I know I have to quit having sex with him to feel more balanced and get in touch with my true feelings which are of course turned off by all this.
    Oh thank you , your comment was passionate and what I needed!



  14.  #14Angela on August 17, 2016 at 11:23 pm

    ” ditch the lazy mf” omg hahaha that made giggle.



  15.  #15April Rose on August 18, 2016 at 4:25 am

    Oh Angela,

    Bless you. You too are a fiery, passionate woman. I can feel it.
    Why else would you be questioning your involvement in a lukewarm dalliance with a non-step-up man?
    Hmmm, because you are already having sex with him, it makes it a little tricky to step back and assess coolly. Chemicals are involved.
    If this were me, I would take deep breaths, LOVE myself with great big self hugs, and give myself a feeling message,. “Honey, I love you beyond words and I want the very best for you in all things. I am so happy to be feeling my way through life, and to be on my way to the great, delicious relationship that is my birthright. Simply being a woman means that I can choose what feels yummy to ME. Mmm. I love that I have that choice. And honey, I know this guy I’m seeing is bringing up question marks and doubts in my belly and heart. And I’m glad that I’m listening and in tune with my self. And you know what? Until I feel that deep ‘knowing’ – that ‘click’ that married woman have talked about when being sure their husband is the one – well, until I feel that in my bones I need to keep my options open. Because if I become exclusive with a man who is not the one, then basically I have closed the door to my true beloved. Ouch, that feels scary, and silly, and kind of ‘whoah’, like this not-right man has me in a trap which leads nowhere.”

    And then I would gently ramp up my circular dating. Living life with an ‘open to connecting with my beloved’ vibe. Which is also an ‘open to connecting to every man, woman and child in this incredible world’ vibe. Practising this will ensure we are in an open, happy vibe whenever anyone new shows up….. 🙂



  16.  #16Tee on August 18, 2016 at 6:09 am

    Ok so I’m sorta proud of myself this morning. I side-stepped 2 of E’s little snide remarks lol

    Usually, I would internalize it & just let it fester. But I need to remember, we’re dealing with years of simmering resentments on both sides, we’ve practiced the art of being sarcastic so I have to practice this just like he does.

    I woke up first & got myself together. The guys pretty much wake up at the same time. Isiah made a bee-line for his Dad and practically followed him around.

    E asked me to enlighten him on what’s going on on Monday since ‘nobody tells me anything around here’ *snide remark #1*

    Isiah’s birthday is on Monday. He’ll be 3 years old. I tell him that I pretty much just started to wrap my thoughts around an idea. Nothing major. Balloons, cupcakes, hats at the daycare. He’s like Daycare?

    I said Yeah, why? What are your thoughts? E says that he’ll tell me later because he knows that I’ll forget *snide remark #2* I giggle & say Ok.

    I also let him know that last week, my aunt had agreed to watch Isiah this coming Friday. This was her own idea. She wants to see if she can handle it, plus give E & I some alone time. We figure it’s worth a try.

    So I let E know that maybe we could go somewhere. He’s like Go where? I’m like I don’t know, somewhere.

    Ok so I suck at “asking him out” but again, it was worth a shot plus I’m new at this. This is another thing that E has whined about. Not enough ALONE time without the baby & my reluctance to let him go with anybody.

    Actually that’s like a running joke in my family. My laser-focused hawk-like Isiah monitoring skills lol.

    A week ago, my cousin posted a video on Facebook of her 2nd daughter driving & doing a really good job. So I said, Cool…now she can come & get me when I’m drunk at the club. My cousin is like Yeah, right….unless the club lets in toddlers too, you know you’re not going anywhere without Isiah.

    Sooooo I have to start somewhere. Plus, whether E & I go out this Friday or not….something needs to be done.

    We can use those hours together or I’ll use that time for myself. I don’t foresee the baby staying overnight but let me not jinx it. We’re just trying this on to see how it fits. It would be nice if it becomes a regular thing



  17.  #17Indigo on August 18, 2016 at 7:30 am

    Angela,

    Meh, this guy sounds insecure. These are the sorts of things people who are already in a relationship negotiate. Sounds like he is wanting you to provide him with reassurance that you are into him and that he won’t get hurt before he gives you any reassurance, and personally that would be a no no for me. Also, having sex before getting into a real relationship (if a real relationship is what you are wanting) is a bad idea. Even if a man may not call it a friends with benefits situation, that is how he sees you. Sorry, but it’s true.

    You should not be feeling this level of dissatisfaction this early on. The man should be putting forth effort to sweep you off your feet (ok, no romance novel stuff here, I just mean he should be being proactive). What I have learnt is that in by far the majority of cases, the only relationships which actually work in the long run are where the man has an abundance of masculine energy. Masculine men want to initiate, they want to impress you, they want to be your hero, and they WANT to commit to you. This part should not be hard or complicated. Believe me when I say, if you are with an iffy man, get rid of him.



  18.  #18Angela on August 18, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Oh lovely ladies- your comments are helping me navigate through all this weirdness.
    I think its time to cut this guy off. I am used t being adored, appreciated and yes romanced.
    My ex boyfriend would’ve and did do everything for me when he first was trying to win me over. i know what that is, i know what that feels like.
    This relationship with the widow guy is starting to feel like my imaginary relationships that i had years along time ago. Yuck!

    Update; so he calls last night and although we had been texting all day he tells me i miss you and can i come over. i say no, and i feel shaky and bad and like what i say next will make him feel pressured and i feel a little ashamed. but i say it, ” it doesn’t feel right anymore it just feels like sex and i want to have sex with someone i love, i cant do this its hard for me to separate my feelings once i have sex”
    he replies with ” i understand you, and your worries you think i am just using you for sex, and the truth is i am not , we are just stuck here on this part of it , why because i have worries, i want to be sure of you , and i am not getting feedback from you, and then he said i want to know we will be ok in the future and not have problems”, and he said to me “example, if i tell you dont go out, will you still go out? ”
    i was confused felt shocked and i said what do you mean. he said “if i don’t want you to go to a specific place…” and also he mentioned clothes ,he said, ” i don’t want you to dress revealing the womans body is only for her man to see ”
    He is muslim and came to the u.s when he was 20. He’s now 28, and i am 25 i was born and raised in the u.s.
    I feeel so turned off to him those were the reasons “why he cant move forward.”
    And now i am not sure if i can take that much control.
    But i am glad i did what needed to be done cut off the sex.
    Its too confusing for my heart! i deserve way better.
    Am i willing to change myself for a man with this background?
    I dont know. Yes he’s sexy but i dont know. i think you ladies can see my weakness and it makes me feel like crawling under a rock why am i even considering changing for him? my self esteem must be pretty low 🙁 or am i believing that he wants a partner for life and i want to be that person?

    April Rose 15- Yes, honey. i will definitely be using that feeling message for myself. My doubts kick in when i tell myself that, but that is the wonderful thing, now i know why i settle for less. I’m afraid that love wont happen to me again.
    This is faith though, trusting the universe wants the best for me. That i will do the best for me. That i will open myself to love instead of closing myself to it.

    Indigo- Insecure? i do think so. he has told me he had problems with jealousy .and yes the same thing s that you are telling me have come out of his mouth “i want to be sure you are so into me i need care from you, ”

    I love when you say this , “What I have learnt is that in by far the majority of cases, the only relationships which actually work in the long run are where the man has an abundance of masculine energy. Masculine men want to initiate, they want to impress you, they want to be your hero, and they WANT to commit to you. This part should not be hard or complicated. Believe me when I say, if you are with an iffy man, get rid of him.”
    I have never been with a non -masculine man and now i know why. Its too damn complicated. i love being the feminine one .



  19.  #19Angela on August 18, 2016 at 9:49 am

    April Rose 15- How beautiful is this, “Honey, I love you beyond words and I want the very best for you in all things. I am so happy to be feeling my way through life, and to be on my way to the great, delicious relationship that is my birthright. Simply being a woman means that I can choose what feels yummy to ME. Mmm. I love that I have that choice. And honey, I know this guy I’m seeing is bringing up question marks and doubts in my belly and heart. And I’m glad that I’m listening and in tune with my self. And you know what? Until I feel that deep ‘knowing’ – that ‘click’ that married woman have talked about when being sure their husband is the one – well, until I feel that in my bones I need to keep my options open. Because if I become exclusive with a man who is not the one, then basically I have closed the door to my true beloved. Ouch, that feels scary, and silly, and kind of ‘whoah’, like this not-right man has me in a trap which leads nowhere.”

    I need to print it out and hang it everywhere in my apartment!



  20.  #20Feminewoman on August 18, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Angela this might not be in agreement with what the others are saying but the way I am reading what you wrote is that culture and religion is playing into what he is saying. Maybe you are just not a match because of incompatibilities. Please don’t judge him just accept it as it is what it is.



  21.  #21Angela on August 18, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Feminine woman 20- I DO try trust what he is saying, that he is just trying to avoid future problems. And i totally agree with the cultural and religion part!
    I get it! Its difficult totally difficult dating him, it goes against the freedom that i have been raised with. And it might be, it is, difficult to date me!
    When you wrote ” Please don’t judge him just accept it as it is what it is.” That warmed up my heart, it felt so peaceful, and to think about it with him in mind kind towards him and open to him”
    Maybe i should have no judgements; that might close up my heart.
    What i know though, is that the sex part must stop, it confused me made me feel attached.



  22.  #22April Rose on August 18, 2016 at 2:16 pm

    Angela,

    A couple more things have come up for me while reading your updates.

    Rori once spoke in a tele class saying that “fun” and “sexy” are not masculine traits.
    She says that you get the measure of a man’s masculinity by the way his ACTIONS make you feel.

    I agree with your last comment that you should not be closed to him, nor have judgements. I would extend this to include everybody in the human race. Being closed towards other people essentially means a closing off from the self. That is my understanding of why we practice staying open,at all times, even in the most challenging situations. And you’re right, it does bring peace and warmth to the heart.

    I also feel a resonance between you and me, in that when a relationship isn’t going smoothly or harmoniously, I wonder what I am doing wrong. This has to stop being a default setting for us women. I have now learnt enough from enough relationship coaches to believe that often it is just not a FIT. Most men do not fit with us. That is why we date many and lightheartedly. So that we can finally encounter the ones that fit.

    Following on from that, I ask myself what I wish to believe. Certain coaches have written about having the mindset of ‘famine or feast’ when it comes to dating. Those women that believe there is an abundance of healthy, available men in the world tend to have much more success in love, than those who believe there is a lack of such men.

    It certainly feels more fun to take the position of a ‘banquet babe’. I for one feel goddessy , yummy and gorgeous when I choose to believe there are hundreds of masculine, confident, happy single men who can’t wait to meet me.
    This really is a helpful tool. It raises our vibe. And when our vibe is raised we feel happier. And there is nothing more attractive than a happy woman.



  23.  #23Victoria on August 19, 2016 at 12:20 am

    Angela,
    How come you think love will not happen to you again? At 25? Love will happen to you as many times as you would like it to happen, it comes from you heart, it is inside you, and you carry it around wherever you go.
    At 25 you are at the most attractive age and ALL men want you. You are a goddess, a diva, a magnet for male attention.
    It is time to drop all thoughts about your muslim man and welcome all wonderful new opportunities that the world has for you.



  24.  #24Tee on August 19, 2016 at 7:55 am

    So things have been quiet on the home-front between E & I. Then early this morning he comes upstairs & he calls my name (of course I’m trying to sleep but not as ASLEEP as I usually am….if that makes sense) he rummages around for a bit & then he sits on the bed

    I dont even recall the focus of the conversation but we were everywhere
    He asked me what my plans were for today, he told me what he’d like to do today in regards to the baby

    he talked about his oldest son (he’s 20 now) and how he cant wait until they start working together…he’s looking forward to deepening their bond

    he asked me again about the flowers. I gave him the same answer.

    he told me that he was gonna jump outta the window. I told him that he really needs to pick a different window because you really cant get much momentum at this angle, plus its not fair that our son would have to walk around his mangled body

    he said that our son would be fine, he’ll just high 5 Daddy on the way to daycare LOL

    He said something really really sweet. He asked me why I deleted some of the pictures of myself off my phone

    They were pictures of me in a bathing suit & I really hated/hate how I look
    They were taken at the Water Park last weekend

    So he says….so that means that you’re insecure over your body
    I struggled with answering but finally was like Uhhh yeah, yes yes I am
    Then he says….How do you know that other people wouldnt appreciate seeing those pictures? How do you know other people dont appreciate seeing your body? Whoever sent you those flowers appreciates your body. Isiah appreciates your body.

    I’m like Isiah is a child. lol he just shook his head then I remember him saying something like He needs love too

    Sex again this morning where he’s just all over me again like a starving man & hes saying how we’ve been together for so long & how we use to have so much sex & how I use to show up without underwear lol

    Oh yeah, we talked about his “disappearing”
    He asked me where I ran off to the other day, so I said…Where have YOU been? You’re the one thats been missing.

    He said…I haven’t been missing Tee. He told me about his friend Blue. I’m like Ohhhh him again.

    E knows alot of people. People that do a little of this & a little of that. Odd jobs, side jobs and stuff.

    Apparently Blue sells food so allegedly that’s where he’s been instead of being home. Hanging out with Blue.

    We also got into a discussion with him saying that I should know him by now.
    Then he starts singing “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” lol

    he’s off for the next 3 days so we’ll see how things go & I’m sure it’ll involve sex smh sheesh



  25.  #25Mandy on August 19, 2016 at 11:29 am

    Perfect article to read for me today. Too perfect!

    I just got back from my psychiatrist. I explained I was having this anxious flight-or-fight response for no reason at all. My anxiety has been absolutely to the max.

    What my therapist taught me was to go to my happy place. This article was just mentioning that you’ve felt peace before, when was it, where were you? Go back there…

    There’s no reason why you shouldn’t be allowed to feel peace. No reason at all. You deserve it, so why not give yourself all the peace you can?

    That’s definitely self-love, and I’m just talking to myself out loud, here….

    Been a minute since I’ve been on, but I feel better lately so I feel like coming onto the blog again. depression can sometimes make you not want to do the things that you enjoy or that help you….



  26.  #26Mandy on August 19, 2016 at 11:30 am

    Whoa. I just riffed there and I didn’t know it until it was posted on the blog. LOL.



  27.  #27laura schepps on August 19, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    my first official date in years this saturday…i feel weird about my feelings…i think he’s a sweet man, sensitive and very silly…i think he likes me and it just makes me want to push him away…all my triggers about ‘ i don’t want to take care of anybody, don’t threaten my freedom, whats wrong with you for liking me, i could hurt you, i am more comfortable liking someone not available, i dont want to try to be open hearted and sweet ….and on and on….’ i feel like a snarling bear….don’t try to get my approval…i don’t want to laugh at your silly jokes so that you feel appreciated…oh my gosh…poor poor brave man….i just pray that by date time i feel something other than these things….



  28.  #28laura schepps on August 19, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    feeling frustrated…my 2nd comment in moderation….why!!!!!???? the last one a week ago never made it to the blog….careful not to swear or use g words…except for Geeesch whats happening here?



  29.  #29Millie on August 19, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    Hi Ladies..
    I’m feeling pretty down right now, I think it may be hormonal..
    I’ve been working on being in the moment, changing my beliefs, and really trusting that whats coming into my life now is part of the divine and the right man will show up when the time is right. Easier said than done right?!

    I was dating three men, one kind of dropped off and I’m ok with it- I don’t think we are a match. The second is proving to be pretty amazing. I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him at first, but his masculine energy and ability to listen to me is winning me over a bit. I find myself very at peace with him, I love his home, his lifestyle, and who he is. The physical attraction was not there right away, but I am finding myself more turned on with his masculine gestures, desire to please me, and give affection. So yay for that! The third, is someone that triggers my anxiety and I found myself doing well at leaning back until this week. I leaned forward and he said he was overwhelmed at work and I continued to lean forward even though he had already said he could not see me this weekend. I feel bad for leaning forward and not respecting him. I am noticing that due to his past and things he has said to me about himself, I am having a hard time trusting him, and trusting he is into me… that’s why the lean forward/chasing happened. I am in lean back mode now, but am also wondering if this is a man I should continue to see if he asks me out again. He already told me several things that are blaring red flags.. so I’m wondering if my choosing to continue is more detrimental to me. It does feel like it is bringing up old ME, chasing me, anxious me…

    I have this amazing guy friend who I have shared my dating life with. He asked me if I have always been this anxious about dating and I said yes.. I am interested in this person and now I suddenly feel like I’ve revealed too much. I am worried he sees me as broken and someone he would never be with. He shared some feelings about another girl and it made me feel like my intuition is wrong again. I had deep down hoped one day he and I would date, I felt that he may be the right person on a gut level, but then to hear him speak of this other girl in a serious way, made me question my own judgement. That I’ve been reading things all wrong. It feels like one more man that doesn’t want me… and that one day I will lose him even as a friend to another woman who has a greater hold and I will be left behind, an older woman, has-been, anxious, sad, and bitter.

    I feel out of sorts and a bit hopeless. On top of it, heard some things at work today that upset me and overall am feeling lonely and like what is the point of working so hard all week… what do I have to look forward to? Life feels a bit cyclical, and I’d rather it be a trajectory, up, up and up. I want it to feel like that and I know my mentality, perceived value of myself, thoughts, and behaviors have to keep changing and evolving. I feel like I cannot escape my reality. I want to move through life effortlessly and happily, but everything seems to be a struggle.



  30.  #30Tee on August 21, 2016 at 5:55 am

    In the sharing mood….this happened on FRIDAY

    Not sure if I mentioned it before but last week my aunt offered to watch my son this Friday so that my fiancé & I could go out ✔

    Since he had “complained” before about my not having any ideas & waiting on him all the time…I figured that I’d throw it out there that we could do “something”

    I had no real plan in mind. I never got an actual answer from him. Today this man decides to tell me that he has plans. Plans that sound tentative at best.

    Every so often, he tries to get together with his coworkers & it’s always a fiasco. Lots of leaving messages, this person needs a ride, that person hasn’t called back yet, etc.

    I remember how I felt a few months back when they had their first outing. I felt left out, insignificant, I remember wondering why he wouldn’t stay home with me…pick me…choose me, etc

    I’d stay in the house waiting & wallowing

    Not today. Yeah, I felt it was jacked up that he just now decided to tell me but I get it. It sounds like even He doesn’t know if anything will happen so he’s waiting

    Well guess what, I decided not to wait on him. My feelings are/were a little hurt but like I said before…we have choices

    I made sure my son was ok before I left…he was full from dinner and already sleepy

    I washed up & changed into something cute and short…my fiancé asked me if I had a date
    I said…I sure do. Sounds like You have a couple of dates. He mumbled something lol

    I hightailed it outta there before he could convince me or before I could convince myself to stay. To keep doing the same things. To stay home wondering why he didn’t choose me. So, I chose myself ☺

    I still had no plans whatsoever but he doesn’t know that
    I’m so use to trying to figure out what everyone else needs, that I barely know what I wanna do with myself

    I thought about getting a massage, going to the bookstore, playing miniature golf but nothing FELT right I’m operating solely off SHOULDS here

    I should do this or that but instead I’m just….here lol at Dunkin Donuts with an over-priced Vanilla Chai

    For those who are use to doing others & not themselves…it’s gonna feel off-putting at first. At least thats how I feel right now

    This is all just practice & eventually it’ll feel natural & not forced

    As for my fiancé, I have no clue what to expect since I’ve never done this before
    I’m always the one sadly watching him walk out of the door this time…he got to watch me ✌



  31.  #31Tee on August 21, 2016 at 6:00 am

    Apparently E still doesn’t GET how the whole disappearing thing bothers me…or he’s just a flat-out assh*** but let me back up first

    Although it’s not an official diagnosis, E is a little ADHD. He doesn’t require more than about 5 hours of sleep most nights So even after work, there’s still energy left over that needs to be burned off

    We’re in Philadelphia. He was born & raised here. E is very social, friendly and restless. Seems like every 3rd place that we go to….he knows someone.

    He took the boy to buy sneakers the other day and of course, someone that he knew walked in the door and they started talking.

    He always seems to know somebody somewhere *eyeroll* and not only that…E likes to be busy, he’s helpful and handy. He knows how to do a little of everything, cook, clean, grill, paint, lawn care, etc so if someone has an odd job that they need help with….E’s name is pretty much at the top of the list

    I don’t know that he *thinks* about the impact that he has on me. This is the majority of his “disappearing” and when I say that, I usually mean that he hasn’t checked in with me in a while so I started to feel scared & disconnected from him

    It happened again the other night, he went straight from hanging out to an odd job, to another odd job, to some other function

    He’s always been this way, with the constant movement, in & out of the house. He feels that he’s not wrong because he’s not doing anything wrong & that I can always find him or call him

    But again, that makes me feel like I’m leading

    I swear all of this “disappearing” is a direct result of the changes in me. I think he’s excited yet a bit fearful of them. He wants me to remain the same to some degree and he’s been real extra with the sex stuff

    He’s all over me like he has something to prove so he’s marking his territory ….I swear, I have a hickey on my neck the size of Rhode Island

    I can’t tell you the last time I had one & it’s like he wanted to make sure that it was visible even from outer space

    I really don’t know what to make of this lol but I do know that I have to keep moving forward



  32.  #32Azure Blu on August 21, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    Tee!!
    I love reading about YOU being the first to walk out of the house all dressed up!!
    Every time you post you sound like your self esteem is GROWING and GROWING
    and YOU are getting really good at listening to YOU and
    Communicating with E!!!
    WOWOWOWOWOW

    I did something simmilar with Spirit 7 months ago…. (we weren’t exclusive)
    I ALWAYS said YES to anything he proposed for us to do… no matter how [ast minute…
    and, after 2 years of this, I began getting bored with ALL his TALK and NO ACTION!!

    This night we had been out having fun and he asked to come over to my house…
    I said …. oh that would be so wonderful but I HAVE Plans and I work in the morning!
    WOW… that blew him away!!!
    AND the MOST surprising part of this was HOW much more powerful I felt…
    (just like you said TEE) I have choices!!!
    I started listening to MY WANTS… saying “NO” more often
    and it seemed (Slowly) after that
    Spirit started taking me much less for granted!!!
    and much more seriously!
    So… it is ME taking VERY GOOD CARE OF ME…
    Which i have to say… does not come easy!



  33.  #33Tee on August 21, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    #30 Yes Azure this isn’t easy! Taking care of me isn’t something that I’ve done well over the years, if at all!

    I keep wanting to resort back to the familiar, to victim mode. Every time I hear about something he did, the gremlins start chiming in trying to start trouble!

    Why didn’t he ask me? Why didn’t he call me? Wasn’t he thinking about me at all?

    I have to remind Them & myself that we’re operating off of old patterns that will take time to undo/redo.

    He’s gone for so long with not asking that it won’t be second nature to him just yet
    I’ve gone so long with not expressing, that it won’t automatically be second nature to me

    So all of the things that I use to do/say….I can’t. Especially if I want things to change

    The hardest part is not mouthing off when I’m feeling a little hurt



  34.  #34Indigo on August 23, 2016 at 12:00 am

    ((((Millie))))