Are You Pushing Him Away – Or Is It Just Meant To End?

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Kelly wrote me this question:

Rori, help – I’m so insecure! I’m a mess sometimes, and sometimes I get upset and get mad at him, and that just sends him away! What can I do to get him back?”

This is about “Pushing a man away.”

It happens when we get into our “masculine” mode of handling and managing and dealing with our feelings. We bottle them, filter them, judge them – and then, because this is the ONLY possible outcome of all that stifling and adjusting – we blow.

We end up spewing.

The most awful thing about this isn’t the result of driving everyone around us away.

It’s the confusion we feel when it’s over.

In a way, we feel relief that the cork finally flew off our charged-up bottle of fizzy feelings, but then we feel dread, fear, terror and want to throw up.

We feel this way because we finally, after it’s over, realize there was another person – him – at the other end of our spew.

We realize that the spewing was all about us, had little to do with him – and that he was not (is anyone?) capable of hearing your spewed emotions and words without defending himself – however he defends himself.

It’s really hard.

Kelly, you feel that you lost a man you adore because your insecure feelings, which caused a bad display of behavior for not getting “your way” – and that you messed up.

So – First thing here, I’m going to ask you to not just forgive yourself.

You absolutely have no choice on the forgiveness thing.

Without an end to the judgment we continue to spew all over ourselves when ever we think we’ve messed up – we just continue to do the same things to ourselves inside that caused the spewing to happen in the first place.

(Spewing is a brilliant thing to do when you’re being creative: writing, doing business….and you can learn the difference and how to to NOT spew in love, but, yes, spew on paper in the 10 Business Siren Paths To Having It All – it’s free – here–>

If you’re like me, you were brought up in a household where beating yourself over the head was the cure.

That’s how so many of us women were brought up.

Instead of beating yourself up, you’re going to have to go:

“Yeah, I felt insecure.

Yeah, I felt insecure, and I don’t know why and it’s not important why I felt that, and that I got upset and I got angry and I acted in attack mode and I screamed and I yelled – and that isn’t why I lost him.

I didn’t mess anything up.

I don’t even know what happened.”

You really don’t.

We really do not know in the end the “why” of why anything happened.

My husband said to me once, when I confessed by fear of confessing my feelings, “There is nothing you could do that would make me even consider leaving you.”

Screaming, yelling, even betraying him.

He would not consider it.

I’m it, he said.

Maybe with this man, you gave him a good reason to go bye-bye because you needed to get rid of him.

We do not know why, but the first thing you have to do is stop beating yourself up and start having compassion for yourself and forgiveness for yourself.

Just Slather Love over your past and everything that has ever happened.

I know it’s easy to say: “Just love yourself…” so don’t ever try to do all that! Just take a minute and literally, physically pretend to Slather Love, like it’s butter or lotion, all over yourself and your past.

Just do that. See how it feels.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Holly on March 9, 2017 at 9:13 am

    Hi Rory,

    I’ve been seeing this great guy for a little over five months now and it had been going extremely well! From the beginning, we both were clear with our intentions to take things slow and really enjoyed getting to know one another. We went on a trip together for a few days just a couple of weeks ago and when we returned he became distant. At the time I hadn’t read any of the resources you provide and didn’t know this was normal so I’m sure that I wasn’t but leaning out as I should have. Yesterday we spoke he said he wanted to push the brakes on things and I’m more than happy to give him his space but I left it at if he wanted to get together then he could reach out to me. I don’t want to lose him and will appreciate any advice you could send my way! Thank you so much!

  2.  #2Brenda on March 9, 2017 at 9:26 am

    This sat I agrees to honour to dinner with him and I asked him if we go out does that mean we are working on being back together and if we are gonna spend time together instead going to eat and he honour with his friends he said yes so we are we got back to my house I showered because I worked the next morn we had sex and he says for about 10 mins and his friend came and picked him up he said since he knew I had to work and it was still early like 11 and he knew I’d be going to sleep that he was not ready to go to bed that he wanted to go hang out it was disappointing to me he said he wants to take me to the movies tomorrow at 5 so I agreed the next day 5 he called he said he was busy doing somethings and that he wants to go to a later movie so I said ok 745 at 730 I did not hear anything from him I called him 5 times no answer and I sent a text indie something come up he called me and he said he would be home on 40 mins and if I could meet him at his house i said no it’s late maybe we can try another day and it makes me feel insecure that it was his idea to go out but I had to call him 5 times to find out what was going on and if he could next time find time to let me know what’s going on instead of waiting so we got off the phone and so my curiosity got the best of me and so within an hr I drove to his house i called he answered he said he was not at home that he was playing cards with the guys and I said ok I’d come by he said ok but I’m hanging out tonight so if u come by I am not leaving with u so I go and he comes to the door and runs up the stairs sirs down with 4 other guys they’re playing poker and I get in and the guys speak 1 guy who was not in the game says hi and who are u hmmmm and do u want my seat and I sat down and the guys tell him he’s disrespectful and that I’m with I’ll call him M that he shouldn’t not disrespect M lady and Ma said nothing I sat there and watched the game with him and I making dumb conversation he said I always think the worse the only reason I came there was because I think something is going on and it isn’t he has not been with any other lady he works 3 to 11 goes home on weekends he have something he need to do and he maybe go to his sins game and he hangs with his friends that’s all they guy who’s house it was looked exhausted his wife was in the back with another lady which is a wife if one if his friends and she came in she spoke her and her husband left the guy that said hmmm to me he had already left so it 3 people including me sitting there and it’s about 12 am and so I say well I’m gonna go it’s late and he said see I knew you’d be mad when I don’t leave with u and so he walked me out we got down the stairs and he gave me a hug and I hugged him back and then he said I told u you’d be mad and he tries to touch me and kiss and I pulled away I asked him to stop so I could leave and he wouldn’t and I said can u stop before so hit u and so I did hit him in the eye and it swelled up and he couldn’t see he fimble doen the stairs he for in the car with me and he just held his eye he Did Not hit me he would never and I usually would never do that and we were both shocked and he said oh God his eye why sis I do that I never even yelled at him before but here I an punching him in the eye he got out my car and got in the car with his friend and he left i went home I was so in shambles and hurt the next morning I called him he didn’t answer and he called me back an hr later and we talked and he told me how mad he was and how his eye is swollen he can’t go to work like that and he soems know if he’s going what got into me and he’s so embarrassed we talked for a min nothing was settled and so we got off the phone I blocked his number the whole day I was so sad that night at 12 am when he got off work he called me from a number I am familiar with that he calls from when I block his calls he sounded terrible he said why am I constantly blocking his calls thru the phone company that I am the one that blacked his eye and can I unblock him so he can call me from his phone so I did a 1 sec later he called me and he sounded bad he said he wants us to be together and he tired of me blocking him and he’s gonna spend more time with me I have been talking to him he’s been calling me on his break at work and gm text as he uses to do and last night I told him I’m off for 2 days usually when I am off morning when we were in a good space we’d go to breakfast or spend the entire morn together this morn he called me i didn’t have to call him and we are just on the phone for 2 hrs not talking much he said he was at the gym and then we got into a conversation about an x of mine he asks me if the guy had tried to contact me have I been in contact him since he and I have been having issues I told him no which has me to ask him if he still had feelings for his baby mother and he said no and we got into a debate about I feel like he has something going on with someone else and if he needed to tell me to let me know and he said it’s nothing going on I said it just was hurtful he spent a holiday there he said he and his cousin went to see his kids and they left he didn’t spend time thatand I asked so why didn’t u come by my house he said listen u always think the worse and after a 2 hr conversation where mainly we were holding the phone and I said is call him back and he’s say no let’s just talk and now he was telling me u know what I’ll call u back sounds frustrated I feel he’s with someone ok off today why aren’t we together and I’m home alone lonely rlakongbto him for 2 hrs to turn into an argument I am thinking of blocking his calls again for good I’m sick of up and down

  3.  #3Rori Raye on March 9, 2017 at 7:56 pm

    Holly – red flag alert!!!! Now is the time to Circular Date! You must! “Putting The brakes on” is something a man should never say – and if he does, that’s when you start dating other men – I mean really dating them, not the non-dating Circular Dating. If you need help with the “No Girlfriend” speech, search for it here…you only need to say it if he complains about you “not being available” when he asks you out…at the moment, you’re approaching “doormat” – which is being so agreeable he thinks you care more for him than he cares for you – which is something a man should NEVER think! In fact, for me, it should not ever be that way – and if it is – I say RUN. And I’ll wager that you also veer toward Overfunctioning. This doesn’t have to end. You can get this back. You just need some help. Read everything you can here about “High Degree of Difficulty” – and if you can – hire a coach! Any of my coaches will get you straightened out in weeks – your “vibe” will change, he will react differently to you. Love, Rori

  4.  #4CB on March 9, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    Dear Rori,
    after 20 years of marriage feeling deeply loved by my husband and his ever lasting commitment to us, but having issues with raising our kids (I am a stay at home mom as he travels a lot; he has a very strong bond to his Mom) and in the way we communicate (he blames me in front of kids, me telling him this is not ok, him justifying, starting an argument, him going in silent treatment ignoring me, me often starting to provoke him to get a reaction in getting loud, upsets, leaving…) he suddenly is withdrawing from our marriage and the family saying he has enough, doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t get any positive energy out of this relationship. He wants to get separated looking for a new place to live as he thinks he is then much more happier than in the past . He believes he doesn’t have any issues, just me, and he rather puts them in a box instead of dealing with them. He wants to be authentic and is right now a man I don’t know at all – cold as ice, unapproachable, cruel. We have three wonderful kids 19, 16 and 11. I love my husband and family and I am still committed whatever it takes to win him back. Any advice? Looking forward to hearing back from you. All the best C

  5.  #5Rori Raye on March 10, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    cb – This is a pretty crucial moment for you – I’d at least spend the $20 and get the Have The Relationship You Want ebook -that’s just the beginning – you need to learn how to TALK to him – and it’s not a small skill. The book will teach you Feeling Messages, and then you should get a coach. I know I keep harping on this – but they’re so affordable and can change your life so fast. Once you learn how to stop responding in the old ways we’ve learned, and start listening and responding to a man completely differently – things shift FAST! love, Rori REad everything you can here about how to Talk to a man, Feeling Messages, the Anger Train – everything you can…Overfunctioning…

  6.  #6kd on March 14, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I recently broke up with my fiance. We were together for 2 years. After 1 year of dating he proposed & moved in. Soon after I bought a house (this was my dream and 5yr goal I was aiming for) He did a lot of construction work in the house and together we made it a home. I was stressed a lot of times bc of sudden extra needs at work, plus moving, my daughter’s new school in this city and trying to figure out how to pick her up… overall just resettling. And he also at the same time got a new position with more demands, was now making a little less money then before, and his daughter demanding to spend more time with him (which was never a problem from my end). But while all this is happening I started to see our relationship stalling. We were now not having our dates, not spending time talking at nite like we used, and we had our wedding on hold. Then his sister passed away and he became mean and was questioning everything in his life. Then he became nasty and angry and took it out on me. I started feeling taken granted for my patience and understanding for all that he was going thru. That’s when I had to put my foot down and said that I finally am feeling good about myself after all that stress and I want you to be there too. But I cant help you. You have to help yourself. I still love you but while you figure all that out you cant stay here. I gave the ring back and a week after he moved out. It’s been a month and a half and we haven’t spoke since.
    I feel like there’s a lot of his past that I’ve triggered. He had even told me at one time that he didn’t mean to say what he said, he responded from a past incident that was very similar to this one and so took it out on me. He said it happens to him time to time, that he has PTSD. My question is when he does come back (if he does) how do I handle this go forward? bc it certainty will happen again. This is the man that I want to marry so not to be shallow but is it worth giving him another chance if he does come back? Can I still make this relationship how I want it to be?


  7.  #7Rori Raye on March 22, 2017 at 1:27 pm

    KD – I’m so sorry for your pain and frustration and all of this happening. I think you’ve handled it quite brilliantly – and now’s the time to Circular Date and get your groove back! If you are meant to be together, he’ll get help to pull himself together and come back to you – I would not be surprised to see that happen. AND – I’m also guessing that during the rough times you Overfunctioned…please keep reading around the blog and consider getting a coach to hold your hand through this..Love, Rori