Are You “Sharing” With Him – Or Do You Really Have An “Agenda”?

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traintracksQuestion:

“Hi Rori, I’ve been seeing a guy off and on, non-exclusively for a few months.  I’ve been doing all your tools and have really noticed that I’m doing things differently, and they’re working.  So right now, he’s away on a trip and was away from phones and email for a week.

During that time I got a poem published in a magazine and I decided to send it to him (even though I knew he couldn’t answer.).  In the past, I’ve had the tendency to want to share a lot of my work with men – and I’ve realized through your work that I was unconsciously pushing them away by being loud and ‘too much’ about my work.

The work itself is really feminine in essence, but I was still using it to help me feel big and strong (masculine).  So, I’ve been monitoring my intentions when sharing with men about my work and I still decided that I wanted to share this poem because I was genuinely excited about its publication, and not because I was trying to “Wow” him.  That felt like a good step.

A few days later he wrote back, “I love your poetry.  Thanks for sending it.”  And then told me about his trip.

I wrote back that I was so happy to hear from him and that I’d missed him, and I asked him where he was (he’s moving around a lot so I didn’t know exactly).   He wrote back right away to tell me, but he didn’t say that he missed me.  I’m genuinely not obsessing about this relationship, but I do want to know if I understand your work right.

I feel like I am showing weakness by telling him I miss him and wanting to know about where he is.  But I have a hard time knowing if that is ‘leaning in’?  I have been trying very hard to ‘lean back’ and not run after anybody.   But then, I know I also have to show my feelings sometimes and not keep myself behind a fake ‘hard to get’ wall.  Am I doing okay???

Thank you so much for all your work.   I’ve told all my close friends about you and now we can support one another in learning from your work.

Best regards, Marni

My Answer:

Marni, Basically – it’s not what you said, or what you did – it’s what you WANTED by doing it.

And, clearly, by saying you missed him – you didn’t really just want to share that – you wanted him to say he missed you too.

That’s the problem.

You’re lying to yourself about why you’re doing things.

You have an agenda, but you’re not being truthful with yourself about it.

He did fine. You did fine.

Now you have to let it go and stop DOING things that make you feel unsure when you get his fine response – that isn’t what you WANT!!!

From Marni:

What’s interesting is that when I’m actually in a room with this guy, I’m able to be very clear and stay connected to my feelings.  That’s one of the reasons that I like him – something in his energy helps me to stay in my own feminine space and I feel really peaceful and open when we’re together.

I find it harder by email and him being away for weeks.  And he’s going to be traveling for long periods like this for the next few months.

Another interesting thing is that I really didn’t expect or even hope for him to say he missed me.   It actually didn’t occur to me before I wrote to you to even see that as a possibility or a problem.

He’s just not at a stage with me where he would write something like that.  He has showed positive feelings of enthusiasm to be with me – but I wouldn’t expect him to say that he misses me.

So, I wonder if that’s part of the problem and my ‘agenda’?  …that I opened myself into a situation where I don’t feel very secure.   I instinctively knew he wouldn’t show his feelings in return, and I opened myself up to it anyway.   So, it’s a bit of a self-destructive agenda.   I think what happened is that I actually was feeling nervous and uneasy already about this new dynamic that’s happening now that he’s away.

It would have been more honest to say that I feel nervous about having a long distance connection.  He is going to be traveling like this for his work for months – with only short stops in our town. He was very good at making plans for us to see each other when he was here, but now that he’s away I don’t hear much from him.

So, I’m hearing what you said.  I do need to let it go.  I need to reassess how I can still feel happy interacting with him now that he’s at a distance.  I also need to listen more deeply to my feelings so that I can tell one from the other.

Thanks so much for all your tools!

From Me:

I think Marni said it all right here: I also need to listen more deeply to my feelings…

Love, Rori

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200 Comments

  1.  #1Lisa on January 17, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    this is a great post and today I’ve been listening to my feelings so much.. and it is pouring out of me…

    OXOXO



  2.  #2Zara on January 17, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    My translations of

    “Non, je ne regrette rien” (first sung by Edith Piaf)

    No, nothing at all.
    No, I don’t regret a thing,
    Not the good done to me,
    Nor the bad;
    None of it matters to me.

    No, nothing at all
    No, I don’t regret a thing.
    It’s paid for,
    Swept off,
    Forgotten;
    I don’t give a damn about the past.

    With my souvenirs
    I’ve lit the fire.
    My sorrows, my pleasures,
    I don’t need anymore.
    Swept off are the loves,
    Along with their tremolos,
    Swept off for ever.
    I start over with a clean slate.

    No, nothing at all.
    No, I don’t regret a thing,
    Not the good done to me,
    Nor the bad;
    None of it matters to me.

    No, nothing at all.
    No, I don’t regret a thing,
    Because my life,
    Because my joys,
    Today, it all starts with You.

    xxx



  3.  #3Zara on January 17, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    La vie en rose (sung by Edith Piaf)

    Eyes that make mine look down
    A laugh that wander on his mouth
    Here is without any make up
    The portrait of the man I belong to.

    When he takes me into his arms,
    And whispers to me,
    I see life in pink.
    He tells me love words,
    Every day words,
    It moves something inside me.

    It has entered into my heart
    A piece of happiness
    Of which I know the cause.
    It him for me, me for him in life;
    He told me so,
    Swore so for life.

    And as soon as I see him,
    I then feel inside of me
    My heart beating

    Endless nights of love
    A great hapiness setting in,
    The worries, the sorrows vanish away.
    Happy, happy to death.

    Eyes that make mine look down
    A laugh that wander on his mouth
    Here is without any make up
    The portrait of the man I belong to.

    When he takes me into his arms,
    And whispers to me,
    I see life in pink.
    He tells me love words,
    Every day words,
    It moves something inside me.

    It has entered into my heart
    A piece of happiness
    Of which I know the cause.
    It you for me, me for you in life;
    You told me so,
    Swore so for life.
    And as soon as I see you,
    I then feel inside me
    My heart beating

    xxx



  4.  #4Zara on January 17, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    Ça sert à quoi l’amour?

    Theo:
    What’s the use of love?
    Senseless stories are always told;
    What’s the use of loving?

    Edith:
    Love can’t be explained,
    It a thing like that,
    That comes from who knows where
    And that takes you all ofa sudden.

    Theo:
    Me, I’ve heard that love makes one suffer
    That love makes one cry;
    What’s the use of loving?

    Edith:
    What is love for:
    To give us joy
    With tears in the eyes;
    It is sad and marvellous.

    Theo:
    Nevertheless, it is often said
    That love is deceiving,
    That there is one out of two
    Who is never happy.

    Edith:
    Even after we’ve lost it,
    The love we’ve had
    Leaves its honey savour in us.
    Love is eternal.

    Theo:
    All this is fine and dandy
    But when it’s over
    You are left with nothing
    But an immeasurable sorrow.

    Edith:
    All this that now
    Appears to you as heart breaking,
    Tomorrow will be for you
    A souvenir of joy.

    Theo:
    In short, if I understood it well,
    Without love in life
    Without its joys, its sorrows,
    We’ve lived for nothing.

    Edith:
    Indeed, look at me,
    Each time I beleive
    And I will always beleive.
    That’s what love is for.

    Edith:
    But You, you are the first one,
    But You, you are the last one.
    Before you, there was nothing,
    With you I feel good.
    It is You I wanted,
    It is You I needed,
    You, I will always love.
    That’s what love is for.

    xxx



  5.  #5Zara on January 17, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    “Non, je ne regrette rien”
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fpHAsb2XQOY

    “La vie en rose”
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0g4NiHef4Ks

    “Ça sert à quoi l’amour?”
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtnTaUcMLjA

    xxx



  6.  #6LoveAlways on January 17, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Interesting question about an agenda. My answer is “I don’t know.” I don’t have an answer, but reading Marni’s letter(s), I kept feeling what about me, not just my feelings, by that My agenda has to be about ME. I feel like such selfish ‘itch, but this what I feel. Why care about where his feelings are . . . that’s losing myself into a man again. . . GUILTY AS CHARGED. I’ve served my sentence and now I am free, in my meadow. I am afraid. I understand that feeling now, and I embrace it. Free and still able to open up to a man and not lose myself! Baby steps, baby steps.



  7.  #7LoveAlways on January 17, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    How do I stay free, open up to a man, and not lose myself? I don’t know, but I’m going to try again when I feel like moved by a man interested in me. Heck, not interested, he has to WANT me, to feel an emotional connect with me. Yeah, that’s the easy part, but not so much really . . . I feel rambling, but that feels good because I’m getting it out and feeling it in waves . . . exhale, breathe, good.



  8.  #8LoveAlways on January 17, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    I feel sleepy and relaxed and soft and sweet and alive and womanly to the marrow of my bone.



  9.  #9LoveAlways on January 17, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    I feel happy to get these feelings and and experience them. My soup of feeling boils up often. So much and do different are the types of energy I experience. Not just feelings – energy, welling up and boiling up all over me.



  10.  #10LoveAlways on January 17, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    I’m lulling now, feeling floaty



  11.  #11LoveAlways on January 17, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    the agenda has to be me



  12.  #12Veronica on January 17, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    This post really opens things up for me. And the issues I had about contact are starting to make more sense. I was in a situation that I was unhappy with and unhappy in – i.e. having to communicate as friends when I didn’t want the breakup and was feeling uncomfortable about communicating as friends. I was being asked by that situation to exist differently than what I was at the time. I communicated this and still nothing changed, the situation remained. And then I’m in this twisted position where every exchange meant more than it did and I was left wanting/ yearning. I began to feel awful about myself because I couldn’t and didn’t want to control my emotions so that I can keep in contact that was not suited to my needs at all. This feels so freeing to have this opened up. Thank you so much Rori! Yes, how could I not want more and act without an agenda in that situation. It also goes deeper to how so many times I’ve shared how uncomfortable I feel with a situation or a mode of interacting and then be ignored or told that it will be okay. I’m starting to be more attuned to if and how people listen to me. Yes, I felt powerless and unequal in that interaction, as though it were on his terms and his timeline only.



  13.  #13Emerson on January 17, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    Sometimes I feel like screaming when I feel frustrated about cutecityCD not contacting me…
    I feel angry
    I feel abandoned and I feel forgotten



  14.  #14Emerson on January 17, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    It’s ok
    I’m talking to some new CDs but nothing jumping out at me…
    We shall see…
    I love my job and doing so well right now, I feel thankful



  15.  #15Emerson on January 17, 2014 at 11:40 pm

    I feel excited to see what the future holds



  16.  #16Kath on January 18, 2014 at 1:34 am

    I have been blamed for destroying his feelings about our future together. And yet when I have looked inside I can see that I was the one hurting from knowing that his feelings for me weren’t and haven’t been genuine for sometime. I felt him pulling away and so I leaned back but he saw that as me “being a bitch” (don’t ask me how!) perhaps a lot to do with his own issues of abandonment. He has as fundamental need to be on total control and to be needed. I don’t and never have needed either of those things in my man!- I don’t think he can exist without drama in his life and I think I have confused him by saying that if he doesn’t have enough feelings for me to want us to work then he can go, but I will be staying in the house we share together. I feel strong today and OK-I am looking after me.



  17.  #17Kath on January 18, 2014 at 1:36 am

    My post is awaiting moderation-sorry!- I think that’s because I used a “b” word!



  18.  #18Epiphyllum on January 18, 2014 at 2:19 am

    # 2,3,4 Zara

    Thanks for sharing the old love songs. I feel joyful for you if you’ve been deeply experiencing that kind of romantic love expressed in your English translation of the songs. It feels touching to read the lyrics!



  19.  #19Indigo on January 18, 2014 at 3:02 am

    I get such an overthinking, overanalyzing vibe from Marni’s letter.

    For me personally, these days, if I want to say “I miss you” to a guy, I say it. I wouldn’t say it more than once, and if he doesn’t say it back and I notice I feel all twisty about that, I store that knowledge away to inform me next time, and I Let.It.Go.

    From recent experience I can’t help thinking it is many times our overthinking, oversharing, overtalking and overdoubting that pushes a man away more than anything else.

    My motto for this year is, more than anything else, “Let it go.”



  20.  #20Indigo on January 18, 2014 at 3:21 am

    (((Kath)))

    (((Lisa)))

    (((Shannon)))



  21.  #21Femininewoman on January 18, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Indigo I hear from guys all the time “you think too much” or “don’t think too much”. These are masculine guys who no matter what happens between us or how I mess up they stay connected. I find it really interesting though that they say that. It kinda seems odd because they are thinkers even though sometimes they say such nonsensical things in jest that I have to ask “did you think before you spoke”. I guess these guys just feel better and are very sensitive to the feminine energy.



  22.  #22Indigo on January 18, 2014 at 6:10 am

    Feminine Woman, I agree with you, and I hear that too.

    I just feel that self-acceptance leads to not overthinking and not doubting yourself too much. And that it is this vibe which is particularly attractive.



  23.  #23Lisa on January 18, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Thanks @Indigo for the Hug….<3 I needed it

    On the subject of thinking too much… men do it too, I know men that do… my dad for instance has that same type analytical mind as I do… my mom doesn't …. Also, on the subject, women's brains can and do handle tremendous more amounts of thoughts at one time than a man's brain …. proven fact… they tend to only be able to do one at a time.. women can do dozens.

    I purged and purged… and let go…. of so much yesterday…

    I realized what someone said to me yesterday on here that it is hard not to settle sometimes… and that is what part of me wanted to do with "D". He was the closest thing for me since ever in a man, that I had so much with.. he was playful, active, fit and could keep up with me, he danced with me, and had no inhibitions in regards to many things, I've always attracted men that were prudish and reserved and rigid… "D" wasn't and he communicated with me so well! his kisses were so amazing OMG! I wanted all of that so much! That part of me lost sight of the fact that he is 16hrs away and going through a bad divorce and child custody issues… which he was starting to call me up and just start venting to me… without even saying, how are you how was your day… etc.. which felt awful…

    Studies show that a man getting out of a divorce aren't ready for commitment for 3 years… humm

    so, once my emotions were out of the way, and I let go of any hidden hopes that things could be more… I realized… oh he had to get a new cell phone just to talk to me… hummm and he is still very much tied to her in financially and otherwise… even though all the other stuff is amazing.. he isn't the one…

    One thing I've learned with Rori's stuff is if he isn't ready for the relationship MOVE on…

    I had physically moved on by plannning dates etc… but I hadn't emotionally moved on…

    and I didn't settle, even though part of me wanted to grab on to this one for fear that a better one might not come …..

    OXXOX

    So



  24.  #24LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 6:52 am

    What I am getting from Targeting Mr. Right is that Rori emphasizes not focusing on finding that one man, but instead focusing on using and practicing the tools and being in diva mode accepting the “arrows” from men. I take this to mean not just the arrows of men who are interested in you, but men in your day to day life. It feels to me that is one of the two degrees of circular dating. What I feel about this . . . hmmmmm. . . I feel like I am wanting closeness but I have a high degree of difficulty right now (as I should) . . . I feel restless and that feels okay because I don’t feel bad about what I’m doing in life and path I’ve chosen to take with meeting men and dating me.



  25.  #25LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 6:56 am

    I choose men differently now than I used to. I don’t open up immediately just because a man engages me with interest and I find that I like him and his attention. My approach has changed because I am satisfied with myself, and my life and the feelings of ups and down that I experience. Yes, I’m satisfied with my ups and downs because I can FEEL them and I now understand just how important that is in my well being and existence. I get it now, I get ME.



  26.  #26LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Re-evaluating two words in my former vocabulary:
    Loneliness and confusion. I let others shape the meaning of loneliness for me. Their conceptions and opinions of what I should doing and how I should be spending my time. Truth is, only I truly know what pleases me and since my goal has been to live a good life minute by minute, day by day, loneliness has no place in this life for me. There are quiet times, busy times, tired times (and yes, these are what I feel and experience). I’ve started to take Rori’s approach and explore these feelings. I always end up in a good place. And I use the word “good” very personally. There is a lifetime of memories and images that flash in my mind when I feel the word “good.”



  27.  #27LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:05 am

    Confusion was Love. I could not feel love without eventually feeling confused. I did not realize I was feeling confusion. Without over thinking this, confusion was ignoring my “don’t wants” and negative feelings. It was not facing my daily insecurities. Now that I process my feelings confusion is not a state I experience. Even if I don’t understand my feelings I recognize that I’m feeling them and I go deeper and feel them, even when it does not feel comfortable. Even when dumb stupid thoughts pop up with the feeling and I’m all in my darn head again – out out out



  28.  #28LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:10 am

    And I know now that the confusion I would experience made me feel bad. It imprisoned me. It made it act out in my relationships. It made me stay in relationships with men way longer than I should have. I feel blamey a little bit, but that’s okay, I’m human and the past is the past. I’m healing this blind confusion. I feel strong and solid not easily being confused any more.



  29.  #29LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:17 am

    I was desperate to be involved. It feels good to me to share, but sharing is a different experience for me now but I want to receive now. I share when it feels good to do that, but with men I make sure I am not leaning forward. Actually, not just with men! I don’t allow myself to be used anymore. My first question is what is in it for me??? That used to make me feel bad, selfish, b*tchy and ugly. But that was my stranger(!) and now I’ve gone deeper into those feelings and I did not feel worthy of receiving! I feel now I am an empress! A queen! A high priestess! I am woman and I am all me to my core and YES I DO DESERVE IT ALL! Everything!



  30.  #30LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:25 am

    I was tough, but that developed onto my outside and my insides jelled into a hot mess because of confusion and anxiety and insecurity. I feel so embarrassed to remember my life back then. I feel safe now. Standing firm on my own two feet, strong solid and sexy. If there is going to be a hot mess going on it will be on the outside and I will certainly be on purpose! No longer will my insides be messed up because of my mind and my thoughts stuffing down my feelings. Toughness and strength look nothing like I thought they should pre-siren. The key for me was NOT TO CARE. I don’t care what other people feel, think, say or do. Just don’t interfere with me! Yes, that is the core of me now. I embrace the aggressiveness, the need to feel safe, the need for SPACE! There, I said it. I want space and I want to be close and involved (there goes that word again) but I want my space. I want my “me” time. Rori’s programs and this blog, siren island, has helped me discover that truth and embrace it. I want it all. I want the man with me and adoring me and wanting me and loving me but I want and need my own quiet time and space. I don’t know how to do this, but this is my truth.



  31.  #31LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:27 am

    And I understand that my prior need to share was that I wanted someone to do for me like I was doing for everyone else (even thought I felt I did not deserve it when it did happen). Even now I feel a little hesitant when someone compliments me or gives to me, but I see it as a butterfly and I shoe it away gently and receive what is coming at me. Arrows!



  32.  #32LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Everyday arrows from people, not just men. And this changes my perception deeply! I used to feel this anxiousness around men I was attracted to . . . even walking down the street. My focus was “does he approve of me” “does he like/want me” “does he think I’m pretty” “will he approach me.” Earlier on when I was first getting into Rori’s programs I developed the feeling that “of course he wants me” lol. Now I’m headed into my second year of siren awareness and my feeling when I am in the presence of an attractive man “so what.” I am gorgeous, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I as soft, I am strong and I’m going/doing/headed somewhere about my business and oh, eye contact, breath smile . . . keep it going. Where was I? Ha ha, it’s not perfect but it’s better and it makes me feel alive and safe and happy. The hot mess is gone.



  33.  #33LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:37 am

    I was watching a show “Bitten” and in the beginning of the episode the protagonist, a pretty vibrant young blonde woman, could not control her changing into a werewolf. It seemed so painful and such a struggle, the hair pushing through her skin, her bones moving around. But later in the show it became apparent that she could WILL herself to transform into the werewolf! Being on an imaginative, envisioning openness as a siren now, I felt curious about being able to bring my feeling out like that. To WILL them out. Whatever I am feeling. Like bringing my insides to world. After she willfully changed into the werewolf the she went “running” on the shore. OMG how so very cool! Willing your inside out of you, existing, being, feeling, open and wide and free and just taking off down the shore feeling your body move and your heart pump and air in your lungs. ALIVE



  34.  #34LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:39 am

    I’ve tried to get my feeling out when I meditate. I’m trying to make meditation about feelings, because it is releasing thoughts, breathing. It’s hard. My mind start to churn when I pull up feelings. The thoughts attached to my feelings. I’m sure if there is a way to separate them, to change the process. Just thinking “out loud”



  35.  #35LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:42 am

    I treated myself to Rori’s whole collection and I make sure I pick something to read or listen to nearly each day. I’m saturating. I feel a need to saturate. I feel a need to direct myself. Not to lose myself. To keep the tools every present in my life, moving and real. Not just words in my journal or on my computer screen. I want breath the tools. I don’t want to let them go to the sideways when I’m enchanted by a man’s attention, touch or anything else that makes me lose me. I want it to be natural to keep the focus on me.



  36.  #36LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:48 am

    I deserve more than to just lose myself to love or a man or a relationship. So “living” the tools day to day is what I came up. Not ever tool blindly, just what fits and works for me. Scripting is hard for me. So I’m working on that. More focused on feeling my feelings first rather than coming with predetermined words. I’m good with words . . . I’m artist and a poet in my own existence! I make art with my hands and poetry is always in my mind (“where’s my pen, let me write that down” is a constant for me). So why not live it? Why not feel it and speak it. The beauty of creativity is the FLOW. So in my life, in my head, in my soul, I have a constant flow going on . . . why not bring that out on the outside in my words – giving flight to my feeling. Rori has been worth every $$$ indeed. I get it!



  37.  #37LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:51 am

    I love music. I hear and feel the words, but now, deeper into my siren-ness, some words don’t fit even though I love a song. I realize that I am more important than the feeling of love. Preserving myself, not losing myself. I would get lost in love songs sometimes, and really feel what was being sung. But I rise above that now. I don’t judge, because the song writer and the singer are entitle to their artistic expression, but I don’t . . . I can’t co-sign on to making a man more important than me. More important than my feelings, and what the heck am I feeling any way (hungry) lol



  38.  #38LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:54 am

    I’m going to make a piece to day. A siren piece. I’m going to feel what the texture feels best, what color feels best, and it will be an expression of what I feel like as a siren today. Forget the laundry, forget the supermarket, this is what I feel like doing now. I’ll post it on my web page and I’ll call it Siren-I. If you are interest, click on my avatar tomorrow and see what I’ve come up with 😀 This feels new and wonderful and exciting and great!! I feel great.



  39.  #39LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I’m going to call it “Siren Peace” instead. That feels better with my flow



  40.  #40Emerson on January 18, 2014 at 7:57 am

    I feel so happy it’s the weekend!



  41.  #41LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 8:01 am

    I feel a good flow now. Redirecting my entire day, but this fells good to act out on my feelings!



  42.  #42LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 8:05 am

    LoveAlways Soup

    Right now I feel

    Flowing
    breathing
    hungry
    soft
    tingly
    alive
    curious
    wavy
    moving
    pretty
    relaxed
    strong
    sexy
    happy
    anxious
    hungry

    I want to eat
    I want to have a sweet drink
    that enlivens my mouth

    I feel smiley
    I am smiling
    I am breathing
    I feel good and feels like soft pink satin on fresh bathed and lotioned skin on a warm breeze veranda in the moonlight



  43.  #43LoveAlways on January 18, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Okay, going to go get doing all these feelings now! Later siren island!



  44.  #44Indigo on January 18, 2014 at 8:35 am

    B last night told me that what attracted him the most to me was that I don’t give everything of myself away, he feels as if there is mystery with me and always more to discover.

    It felt really nice to hear, because I feel like it’s a side effect of becoming more and more loving and comfortable with myself. I don’t feel the need to give everything to a man, or tell him what he says he wants to know, or do things purely to please him. I can be myself, and let him be drawn to that. I feel like I can *be* there, as an anchor of a person comfortable in her own skin, and not trying to mould to the wishes of those around me. It feels great.



  45.  #45Indigo on January 18, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Lisa,

    What you said in the previous thread – about wanting to have men who will do anything to make you happy and always want to be with you, and also wanting to have girlfriends you can also share your negative stuff with…

    I have that. I have men in my life who would do anything in their power to make me happy, and also want to be with me all the time. And I also have girlfriends who are loving and accepting of me even when, and perhaps especially when, I am upset and feeling down and full of “negative” emotions.

    And this all happened when I actually started loving myself enough not to second-guess that I was actually worth all of this. I really do believe the people in our lives reflect our opinion of ourselves back to us.

    So, with the girlfriends for example, I actually just started being myself, whoever I was, whatever I was feeling at the time, and I made no apologies for it. I didn’t allow a single thought to enter my head that it was “wrong” to feel what I was feeling, or share what I was sharing, or want what I wanted. I started being really merciful and forgiving of myself, not just in allowing myself to be exactly who I wanted to be at the time, but also in my thoughts. I refused to beat myself up any more if I was not “positive” or “upbeat” or anything other than what I was.

    And you know what? Showing this kind of authenticity as normal gets other people to accept it as normal too. And it enables you to be so much more forgiving and kind to other people as well.

    xx



  46.  #46Olivia on January 18, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Wondering where Elsie is –I would love an update on her journey which I so enjoyed following!



  47.  #47Olivia on January 18, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Indigo – I love this commentary on female friendships. Meditation + therapy + Rori’s tools have enabled me to have better relationships with the women in my life not just the men. It feels so good to be authentic with girlfriends and to let them love me for me! They bring so much happiness to my life and intimacy to my life!



  48.  #48Kyla on January 18, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Oops posted on the last thread, didn’t realise there was a new one.

    ((((all the gorgeous sirens))))



  49.  #49Kyla on January 18, 2014 at 9:25 am

    ((((Lisa)))) I feel concern when I read about purging emotions, I guess it triggers my own old habits of flip flopping between ignoring my feelings and trying to get them out of me so I didn’t have to feel them anymore.

    I use Rori’s fall to your knees tool a lot to just sink into the emotion as deep as I can until I kind of fall through it into something else, some other feeling, get curious about the itch on my thigh or the coldness of the floor and choose to notice the other feelings and sensations in me.

    Crying can feel good because it releases pain relieving endorphins. Lots of crying helps numbs the pain of the emotion we don’t want to feel which is why we feel drained, we’re really numbing ourselves and we need to cry more when the endorphins start to wear off.



  50.  #50Femininewoman on January 18, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Elsie, Mel and Butterfly Wings



  51.  #51Femininewoman on January 18, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Hahaha – just saw this from Elsie on the other thread

    221: ElsieNo Gravatar says:

    Shannon – your post about hanging on to a carcass describes me. I’m in my early 40s too. I hung on to a man for almost 9 years in an 11 year marriage that was horrible. I was hanging on to a carcass. A shell. An empty shell of what was. I’m so glad I let that go. Every time I see him, I am reminded of the fact that I am so glad I let him go. I even think to myself “Thank you” to him, for constantly reminding me why I left.

    Friday, 17 January 2014 @ 5:33pm



  52.  #52Femininewoman on January 18, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Kath I think this is relevant to you too.

    220: DominiqueNo Gravatar says:

    Lisa – Here is something to consider. Are you maybe looking for a man to be open to you in the same you are open? Maybe he’s being open, but it looks completely different. Maybe he has few or no words, but his eyes as he looks at you says it all. Or his touch. Or the way he looks out for you, after you.

    Remember too that many men tend not to be expressive with their feelings, i.e talk about them let alone discuss them.

    And this is not a negative. It’s simply a difference between most men and most women.



  53.  #53Femininewoman on January 18, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Sometimes we don’t even know what it takes to make us happy yet we expect others to know.



  54.  #54Lisa on January 18, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    @Indigo #45 Thanks! I hear that… and I’m taking it in and seeing where I might need to do more of that… <3

    and though I've been more forgiving of others my whole life… just not for myself.. and again that has shifted too… but could need more shifting… so the mirror for me is that I hate! double standards… and yet! I've had a double standard most of my life… that it is ok for others to vent, be angry, make mistakes and I accept them as is… but it wasn't ok for me to be that way… and so my job was not to have a double standard for myself…

    Which is why when I posted the other day on the thread and my script was posted.. I put that I'm not perfect, and all I can do is my best… b/c I've learned to be gentle with myself even if and most especially when others aren't……

    I wonder if part of it might be where I live in a place where there are a lot of "new agers" who believe that you can't whisper a word of negativity without creating it …. I don't share that belief… which causes ruffles…and also so many women are telling me here in my city that the men are so spiritually evolved ( guru seeking etc.) that they are most all beta's…very feminine men.

    I will certainly take what you said to heart and see if I can find where I'm not accepting myself as I am… I'm sure there is a sliver somewhere…festering

    I will say though that I have gone to extreme means and moved mountains for myself, and my inner child… to make us happy, healthy and have a good life…(even when everyone else disagreed) that I'm sure of! Even against the most tremendous of obstacles….

    Thanks for listening, I feel heard and cared for <3 <3 {{{Hugs}}}

    OXOXOXO



  55.  #55Lisa on January 18, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    This was me earlier this week:

    “Never sacrifice what you want in life and love for what is merely available right now. You are worth more… and it’s time you know it.”

    Part of me wanted to settle for what was available now with “D”… and I didn’t… I’m so glad…

    OXOXO



  56.  #56Emerson on January 18, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Sirens I’m taking cars of myself this weekend….nails and hair and skin 🙂



  57.  #57Emerson on January 18, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    *taking care not cars lol



  58.  #58Cupcake on January 18, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Kath-

    I posted to you on the last thread, #74. I thought I was on this thread…

    Cupcake



  59.  #59Kyla on January 18, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Ex-colleague just cancelled our date tonight because he’s mother has taken ill. I feel so disappointed, I was feeling excited. I feel annoyed too that I turned down a date for tonight with a new guy as I was booked. My kids are all packed and ready to stay with my parents for the night and I feel blue thinking of staying in now in an empty house.



  60.  #60Lisa on January 18, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    @Feminine Woman #52

    I’ve thought about that… and I’m not really looking for a man to be as open as I am …. no, but enough so that, a good relationship can happen… and with “D” it was the most and best I’ve had so far…(actually amazing really for a man- like a dream come true) and it stinks that he isn’t in a place to move forward… I do notice how they look at me… I pay close attention to it actually… with “D” and with “M” I would catch them gazing at me from the corner of my eye.. that speaks volumes.. to me… I so love that in a man it is a big turn on… and YES! omg Yes how they touch me and how much they touch and desire me… big communication!! I agree!…

    update:
    I finally heard from “D” I leaned back and did my work and let it all go! I was complete with it all, and as I suspected ……..he has been given an ultimatum to return to his wife and stay married or the kids will disown him….. He finally said, I’m sorry for this and I’m not much company now and I’m not ready for anything until I deal with all this that has been dumped on my plate. so at least he told me… and at least he isn’t wanting me to continue with him through it all and is taking responsibility for the fact that he has to deal with it… would have been nice to have been given the respect of a phone call… but oh well..

    I suspected this and this is why I vented the other day… and then I second guessed myself… lesson learned!! sometimes my venting is my truth coming out! and lesson is: don’t bend the rule you set for yourself just b/c the man is the best thing that ever has shown up so far… I have a reason for my promise to myself to not date separated men…. and frankly I didn’t expect to have feelings for him at all much less that soon, so next time.. I’ll just skip it… and not include a seperated man in my c’dating.. cuz I’m the one that got hurt, b/c I didn’t listen to the signals…

    and I’m so tired of getting emotionally involved with men that aren’t over their ex or the breakup …

    I really didn’t have any expectations that this would work with “D”… and I only moved forward with it b/c Rori suggests we go out with all men at least give them a try…and I was surprised when he actually showed up and I did feel something, but my feelings got hurt in the process of this one… I really really liked him.. a LOT…

    OXOXO



  61.  #61Femininewoman on January 18, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Lisa this may come across as harsh but I believe it is worth saying. Unfortunately, it seems to me that with D you set yourself up. When I recall all your writing before you even met him it seems you were saying you were falling in love with him. What I have not seen you acknowledge yet is that you can the one with the say so about how you allow yourself to fall. I don’t believe our feelings of love is like a runaway train that we have no control over. I do believe you can pace yourself, pull yourself back and decide when to fall. Just because I open up I don’t believe I have to fall in love. Also there are other things working in attraction, the man’s smell, his swag, the way he communicates when space is between you, the way he looks at you from across the room, how he rushes you when you are getting ready for an event and are late, how he fights. In my opinion so many different things before we can truly fall in love that allowing oneself to fall in love at the first meeting or before the first meeting is almost like setting oneself up. I believe many men know early on when they want you but they do their due diligence in getting to know you and following their gut. They will also take space to commit in their hearts and minds first before moving forward with a woman. Any man your age will come with a story and some sort of baggage also. Part of falling in love for me is also deciding if I can live with the baggage and the past. The man also has a personality that can never be known at the first meeting. What I am saying there are too many variables to consider before we can truly know if we can fall in a love with a man. I would really look at this feelings getting hurt so quickly and so soon thing. I am not suggesting that it is impossible but maybe to ask why would you allow yourself to fall so quickly for a man who really is a stranger. I believe it is with time and history together that people fall in love with each other. He is supposed to be on his best behavior in the first couple of months and much more so on the first couple of dates.

    I apologize if I come across as criticizing but I really do believe this falling in love immediately might be something about yourself that might be worth looking at.



  62.  #62Cris on January 18, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    @Zara thanks!! Edith Piaff so brava that she didn’t mind about giving and suffering.

    This post is totally certain. Some of us lie ourselves so much.

    . we say it does not matter to send an emotional gift, but yes, we are expecting something in return… the journey on the non-expectations path is really hard sometimes



  63.  #63prplpsn28 on January 18, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    I can’t seem to keep up with this blog. Need to go back and try to catch up.



  64.  #64Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Hello ladies!

    I do like this post. I actually thought that Marni said it all when she wrote this:

    “It would have been more honest to say that I feel nervous about having a long distance connection. ”

    That, to me, sounds like the real, authentic feeling that she’s having. And if she were to communicate this to her guy, then maybe he could talk about it with her, instead of her just having to feel that all on her own. And maybe he would make more effort to contact her, or she could decide it’s not worth it to feel the anxiety and date someone who isn’t moving around so much.

    I totally get it, too. I also feel anxious when I’m talking with guys by email and text and not much by phone or in person. I don’t like long-distance relationships, because I like it when the person is right there and we can spend time together. That’s the most meaningful thing for me. And being able to touch each other and just sit in silence, if need be. That sounds so romantic to me. Lol.

    And speaking of long-distance guys, I kind of said “adios” to orchidman this past week. The conversation with him was increasingly getting focused on the sexual in a way that was feeling really uncomfortable with me. To be fair, I participated and was even goading him on a little. But at the same time, I was giving really clear signals (I thought) about where my line was about my comfort level. And I thought that he understood, until he sent a text that was just way over the line. I told him how I felt, and we haven’t really communicated since. He did respond, but then I didn’t. And I don’t really feel like I miss him. At all. There was nothing there. It was long-distance, all text, and NOT real. Even as a friendship, I’d say it was kind of a sham. He was only “friends” with me (I gather) so that he could get himself off every now and then. He really didn’t seem to appreciate anything about me except that which could turn him on. And by those things, I mean, my creativity, my ingenuity, the things that I love and care about. Not to mention my feelings… anyway, he got the boot, I guess.

    Good riddance. Haha



  65.  #65Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    Kyla (59) – that sounds like a bummer! But maybe a good opportunity to draw yourself a bath or whatever makes you happy and enjoy an unexpected quiet evening to yourself? : )



  66.  #66Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    So… I did something else today, which I am sure will surprise NONE of you. Lol. But I called S. I had to. I realized that the thoughts circling around in my head were going to NOWHERE until I let them have an outlet. And since we never really got to talk about what happened, I was feeling “backed up” about those emotions. And also, partly because my initial reaction and all the “love” feeling, I realized, was mostly just “chemistry.” It was the product of feeling all the oxytocin from the connection. Which isn’t to say that it wasn’t a real feeling. Just that it wasn’t about a real thing. And that my REAL, honest assessment of the situation was that I also felt it would be best if we were not together.

    And even though I really, really wanted to wait for him to call so that I could tell him whatever I needed to tell him in that moment, I finally realized that if I had something to say, it was on me. If I wanted to speak up, I just had to do it, no matter what the result was.

    So I made it a process. I’ve written long letters, of course (I can delete them all now. lol). I wrote out a list of about 5 concise “talking points” to refer to, just in case I got distracted when I called. Then I narrowed that list down to two things and three key words.

    Then I meditated for ten minutes, during which my cat came to cuddle with me, and all of that made me feel calm and grounded. After another five minutes, I took a deep breath and I called.

    I hung up at first, but then I rang back and I left my message. It was brief, concise, and really expressed what I needed to express. And a feeling, too. I expressed that I was sad. This was true.

    So I felt happy for a brief moment, and then the floodgates opened, both literally and figuratively, I guess. All of the emotion that I had been holding back for two months finally flowed out. And it wasn’t overwhelming, it just felt good to release the pressure. And afterward, I felt cool and refreshed, and like a magical mermaid, swimming under a rainforest waterfall.

    And then I got up and made dinner.

    Maybe it’s “wrong” to make a call like that. But I’m not sorry. Because there’s no “agenda” (that I can think of). I have absolutely zero expectations for what might happen next, and if anything, I just hope that we can remain friendly acquaintances. In fact, I think that is just exactly what I would want, and if not, then fine. I still have my experience and no one can take that away from me.

    And I’m glad I called. Because my head and heart feel much clearer now.

    tbc…



  67.  #67Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    One thing that helped prompt me making the call this evening was that earlier today, when I was at an event with a massage therapist I know, there was a psychic there. I didn’t know she was a psychic/intuitive when I met her. But when we met, I remember we introduced ourselves, from across the room, and I “zoned out” for a brief minute, after which, she said, “Part of you is still in California, isn’t it?” And I realized that YES, part of me was still in California, with S. It had not traveled all the way back, and maybe it never will. But I still had to clear the dusty cobwebs from my head anyway. They were getting to be a bit much…

    Hey, our CDs are supposed to be free therapy, right? This was totally therapeutic.

    Again, I’m glad I did it. I feel even less attached to an outcome now, than I did before…

    Emerson – Yay for taking care of yourself! As soon as I am able, I am going to book myself for a facial. They are so relaxing! And this morning, I even got a little bit of a massage. Yum : )



  68.  #68Kyla on January 18, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks Tereana!

    And actually I decided to rockstar it with DrWho once I got myself out of my disappointment and had made alternative plans for me so if he said no I wouldn’t care. I text I feel unsure if its my turn to do the asking but I have the offer of a sitter tonight. Ehem.. How’s that for short notice 🙂 (its something he said on our Monday date as every single date he’s had to reschedule as I’ve had plans already by the time he asked)
    He said yes immediately, arranged his own sitter and has planned everything for us tonight. Yay! Maybe tonight this lovely gentleman will get around to finally kissing me!! Have to get ready now for him to pick me up.



  69.  #69Andrea on January 18, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    whew… it’s getting Hawt in here!! : )
    heehehe…. Well, I just mean the room I’m sitting in. So I took ten days to back from everyone and everything except the “Have To’s” in my life.. work, school, daughters.
    I’ve been doing intentional meditations and working out and drinking lots of water.
    Anyway, day 11 was yesterday. I was feeling frisky and sexy, but not in the mood to really go out. So I put up a post on a local dating site.
    I was very subtle and just fun and honest.
    I got so many responses from young men. I mean.. younger than me.. men, that after three hours of my post being published, I deleted it.
    Then I thought about it and felt like… “huh.. why not?? Why not a younger man? Why not give something new a try? Why not engage in a different energy?”
    So I picked three of the most intriguing responses and have had wonderful communications.
    I started out by saying, “I feel really bashful and self conscious right now going ahead with this, but would really like to communicate further.”
    Two of the men have continued to contact me through out this day and I felt comfortable enough with one to give him my phone number.
    He called me and said, “I was really having a hard time with how awkward it is to call a perfect stranger but then I just got up the nerve and stepped up to the plate. I’m glad I did.”
    I’m blushing and genuinely surprised at how I’m feeling about all this. Just fun. It’s just so fun.

    Well, I like this post. To me it’s about letting go of my hold on the outcome. My agenda?? Just BE in the moment. Just enjoy the moment with out expectations of anything other than joy right now. If I don’t feel joy, I just stop engaging.

    Right now I don’t need any of these men or any of my past CD’s or long term men to be anything than what they are perfectly right now.

    Indigo.. I’m really digging your insights right now as well. You’re voicing exactly what I feel I’m going through. Woot Woot!! It’s Saturday Night and I’m feeling Alright!! : )



  70.  #70Andrea on January 18, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Kyla!!!! Yes!! I feel so elated reading your post. Before you were down about spending the night at home alone, and NoW!! Yay!!
    I love it when men are so receptive!
    Here’s hoping you get that kiss. : )



  71.  #71Kyla on January 18, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks Andrea!!

    I love what the hot young guy said to you!! YOu’re so right, why not?? 😉



  72.  #72Kyla on January 18, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    And ex-colleague just called to say he was free after all and couldn’t believe that I’ve already got other plans. I feel AMAZING!



  73.  #73Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    So here’s some follow up to orchidman stuff. Which is, like Dominique says, we can always bring it back to us. So, to me, when I’m thinking that he’s ignoring my feelings and the parts of me that are really meaningful, I also have to ask – how am I ignoring my feelings? Do I vibe them a place to “be?” In what ways do I devalue or not acknowledge my talents and abilities and other aspects of me that I want to feel recognized for?

    It’s really up to me. If I am valuing my feelings, and if I am making sure that I’m recognizing my own value and getting it out there in the world, then it won’t MATTER what he thinks, or any other guy. And it will make everything easier, because I won’t be “hidden.”

    So it makes me wonder – what am I really proud of?

    What can I do better or more of?

    How would I like to be recognized?



  74.  #74Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Kyla – that’s awesome! 🙂



  75.  #75Tereana on January 18, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Haha. I meant to write “give” them a place to be. But vibe is a good word, too! Lol



  76.  #76Helena Hart on January 18, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Tereana – 73 – I love these questions!! I’ve written about this, that whatever is going on in your “boy” energy inside of you – that’s what’s showing up in the men you’re meeting and attracting.

    I always found it helpful to ask myself – what is my “boy” energy doing or not doing in my life that’s showing up in the men I’m attracting? Also, “Does my boy love me and take care of me?” Or, “Is he constantly disappointing and abandoning me?”

    I love how you’re taking a look at how this is going on inside of you. See what your “boy” can do to take care of your “girl” – and create the space for her to experience her feelings and just BE.

    Love, Helena



  77.  #77Liquid Light on January 18, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Kyla, Cupcake, I just spent an awesome day wine tasting. It was a blast. Thanks for the ideas about ways to meet quality men. I don’t meet anyone that I would want to date but it has opened a whole new world that I’m excited about so thanks so much!!!!



  78.  #78Lisa on January 18, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    @FW I believe there is a big difference between loving someone and falling in love with them…. I love my friends, children, family and my ex’s… but I’m not in love with them…

    I don’t fall in love so easily.. really it took awhile with “M”….. 3mos almost.. though with “S”… it wasn’t an in love kind of thing….. it was just deeply caring kind of love…a friendship… and I knew it would never be more than that…

    With “D” I don’t know what or why …. not like me at all! but I don’t know that I was meaning IN love with him and also if you re-read my posts… I think I also had a disclaimer there also….. that I also knew it was fantasy until real kind of thing and I was having feelings for him yes, based on what I was experiencing….. and you are correct they are on their best behavior up until about 4-5 mos by that time most people have already said I love you’s… and I agree that it might be wise to hold off on those until after 6mos when the best behavior turns off…totally! Does that mean we just don’t say the words until after 6mos to make sure…???? I don’t know…

    I’m not naive … I do realize that there are many facets to a person…. and I also know me… I have a big heart and I tend to fall for animals and friends too very quickly… maybe that is a fault in some people’s eyes… I don’t know… I get attached to my pets, my trees, and I cry when I see an animal hurting or a baby sick and injured…

    I’m not for sure IN love with “D” but yes, I do care for him a lot and it is a loving way…he and I were careful when we spoke b/c he would just say love… ( we caught each other actually almost saying I love you- but we stopped) and we both were very aware of the implications of saying it too soon… but dan…g I don’t know… can’t explain it… really… it did happen fast.. and we both couldn’t believe it and we talked about it… it’s a mute point now…and yes, my heart still feels for him…

    In my experience the men I date fall for me sooner than I fall for them…

    I would like to say that I could wait and not fall for someone until 6mos…

    I don’t know if I can hold off on it even if I pace myself… I don’t know that I believe that I can control it…. it isn’t me doing it… I don’t control who I fall for and who I don’t….. that is my experience anyways through doing TheWork.

    your not harsh… and I will look at it further….<3 Thanks for your insight… <3

    OXXO



  79.  #79Lisa on January 18, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    I had a blast tonight!!! hung out with new friends… and met some new people… and went dancing and was dancing on my own.. cuz I like to dance whether or not I have someone to dance with… and a young man and I do mean young man came up to me and ask to dance with me… I nodded and he came closer and closer until I smiled… and was very very Alpha… totally! Alpha.. and half my age to boot… but he smiled at me the entire time and made me smile and he did dance well and said D..m woman you can move… it made me smile… so I have to say… it was fun! totally fun! to have him dote-ing over me.. and looking into my eyes and smiling at me, singing to me.. too bad he was half my age… but I’m so totally turned on by ( not him) but the alpha male… coming at me taking charge swinging me and leading.. like he did.. very confident and masculine… OMG! send me one double his age… please!!!

    OXOXO



  80.  #80Indigo on January 19, 2014 at 12:59 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I agree with #61 100%.



  81.  #81Indigo on January 19, 2014 at 1:02 am

    Thanks Olivia and Andrea!

    Very glad to hear it! 🙂



  82.  #82Aurora on January 19, 2014 at 4:21 am

    oh the Long Distance piece in this post rings bells with me….I tried LD with 3 different relationships I met on EH and sigh……though I thought at the time they were what I had to settle for …..they didn’t work out in the end. I guess I had a belief that there was no one local for me…..or perhaps deeper than that I was still warming up to letting some one in close….lol silly unconscious!

    I am braver now.
    I am opening to something real and not imaginary.
    I want to touch, feel, smell, hear and taste a man who loves me.
    I move towards three dimensional living 🙂
    I can be confident
    I trust my boundaries
    I have time

    I love being a girl!!! 🙂

    xo
    Aurora



  83.  #83Cris on January 19, 2014 at 4:57 am

    @Aurora, I love the concept “3D living” 🙂 now that part of it is on our 2D screens (tablets, phones…) and no taste and no smell!



  84.  #84Femininewoman on January 19, 2014 at 5:23 am

    Aurora I love the “I have time” belief. Too many times and in too many instances we forget that and get panicked at the societal talk about our clicks ticking and time is against us thinking because we are older.



  85.  #85Indigo on January 19, 2014 at 5:28 am

    I also love the “I have time” belief.

    You notice the things being said to you, about how people expect you to be married by a certain age, people expect you to be in a rush.

    Well, I’m not. I have time to take it slow, time to be discerning, time for the right man for me to find me. I have years and years, and I trust in the perfect timing of these things. I am in no rush.



  86.  #86LoveAlways on January 19, 2014 at 6:11 am

    Aurora # 82

    I feel so wonderful reading your post! I love

    “I am braver now.
    I am opening to something real and not imaginary.
    I want to touch, feel, smell, hear and taste a man who loves me.
    I move towards three dimensional living 🙂
    I can be confident
    I trust my boundaries
    I have time

    I love being a girl!!! 🙂 ”

    So beautiful!

    Yea for three dimensional Living!!!



  87.  #87Aurora on January 19, 2014 at 6:25 am

    My gosh yes! The “time” belief!

    I had to undo my sense that I was going to miss the boat, lose my chance, that it was too late, not trust time at all.

    Ooh I still wrestle with it some days! It’s surprising how it sneaks in !

    But yeah…. Even saying “I have time”, ” I can take my time feels more diva and siren- like and most of all

    more natural, relaxed, easy, enjoyable,

    Sigh…….. Yay! 🙂

    Xo
    Aurora



  88.  #88Zara on January 19, 2014 at 7:56 am

    18 Epiphyllum

    I feel good that you feel joyful for me.

    xxx



  89.  #89Zara on January 19, 2014 at 7:56 am

    62 Chris

    You’re wellcome. Poor Edith, if only she had heard of over functionning…

    xxx



  90.  #90Zara on January 19, 2014 at 7:58 am

    55 Lisa

    *****Part of me wanted to settle for what was available now with “D”… and I didn’t… I’m so glad…*****

    You go girl! I feel proud.

    xxx



  91.  #91Zara on January 19, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Lisa

    My translation of “Trop sensible” written and sung by Zaz

    You anguish yourself, you panic yourself, you are in crisis
    When you feel punched right in the heart,
    You can’t express it in the moment.
    It’s too powerful, it would generate fear.

    Solitary in your world, you sing to the stars
    And you cuddle the earth;
    You feel our Mother brewing,
    Out of strengh but who can’t keep quiet anymore.

    You feel the pain like a bomb,
    The muffled tick-tock;
    The ones in power who lead us to our grave
    And, as a bonus, who don’t give a damn about our fate.

    I would love to tell you this world will end up awakening,
    But I fear it’s all hanging on one single thread.
    But feel reassured: you, you will be saved.

    You’re too sensible, that’s true
    And the others don’t see who you are.
    Too sensible… I know.
    Me too, it almost killed me.

    You’re too sensible, that’s true
    And the others don’t see who you are.
    Too sensible… I know.
    Me too, it almost killed me.

    With your little angel mug
    You show us your colored masks.
    All these people who beleive you’re innocent,
    But you, you travel within obscurity.

    With your little angel mug,
    You let beleive and seem to indicate
    That in your head live only flowers and smiles,
    Butterflies and vanilla sugar.

    I feel your pain,
    I see it, I listen to it.
    To feel rageful and disappointed is normal,
    But it’s not the only road.
    It’s up to you to express your beauty,
    And to turn the light of your eyes on.
    If around you nothing shines,
    It’s up to you to feel strong and to beleive for them.

    In this world swarming with ghosts
    You’ll get triped up more than once.
    Look inside you for this light;
    Coz your path is much more beautiful than it appears.
    Don’t let ignorance fool you, don’t beleive their lies;
    They give you what they can, what they have.
    There exists inside you much more than what was inculcated into you.

    You’re too sensible, that’s true
    And the others don’t see who you are.
    Too sensible… I know.
    Me too, it almost killed me.

    You’re too sensible, that’s true
    And the others don’t see who you are.
    Too sensible… I know.
    Me too, it almost killed me.

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=J0k5RH2wlQw

    xxx



  92.  #92Shannon on January 19, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Today and since last night while I was up all night with my insomnia, I have been practicing the heck out of the “open your hands and let go” mental image. Every time I think about J (my ex), I am opening my hands. Letting go sometimes with a literal physical act of opening my hands.

    And because of the things he has done, like dumping me (“the ability to leave you IS a fundamental flaw”), I’ve been going so far as to mentally hold my hand out in a “stay back / stay away” gesture.

    Even if it’s only for my own mental reminder of all he has done to me, and to remind myself to keep him at arm’s length and never allow him closer… it’s a valid and important mental image.

    I kept going back to sleep and waking up to find myself thinking of how scary it will be to leave and try to find my way on my own in one of the most expensive areas to live in the USA (high cost of living versus standard of living)… and it makes it extremely tempting to try to work it out. And we have a child together, which makes him probably the most tempting man I know (it’s SO hard to give up my dream of having a FAMILY *I feel so sad just admitting it*).

    But I have to put myself first. I told my daughter this morning, “We will find a man that loves and wants us.” And by that, I mean a man that will spend time with us and WANT to do so (going by his behavior, he hates us–he avoids us like we’re a plague).

    There have been two men recently who admitted they would literally do ANYTHING for me and for K (daughter). But they were neither one attractive to me at all for various reasons… yet that tells me something fundamental; such men exist.

    I do not need to settle for a man that detests me. And I won’t settle for a man (even her father) who refuses to spend time with and treat kindly, my daughter.

    So the “letting go” image is now married to the “stay back” image when I think of him. I am done here.

    I am done here!



  93.  #93Shannon on January 19, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Lisa, it’s so powerful that you realized that, although he seems awesome, D is NOT the guy for you because of factors that are outside of either of your control or his.

    It’s a painful, hard realization; but it’s also an empowering one.

    You’ll find a man who’s available AND loving. I KNOW it!

    Indigo, thank you! 🙂

    FW, thank you, too!



  94.  #94Veronica on January 19, 2014 at 9:17 am

    I like it when a man tells me about a previous relationship that didn’t work out (amicably) and describes her as a lovely person. I felt warmth for him in that moment, not because he was ‘being good about it’ but that he had a good experience that allows him and her to think of each other well. I like talking to him and it feels different from talking to the other men – he seems masculine but the talking feels easy and gentle. The feeling messages I used actually felt for me inviting, like a lovely sharedness/complicity.



  95.  #95Kyla on January 19, 2014 at 9:26 am

    I feel giddy and excited and so happy and smiley today.



  96.  #96April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Hello Sirens,

    I have much to share.

    I listened to a live webinar by Cherry Norris yesterday, and I felt a number of popping sensations and mega a-ha moments. I feel renewed excited and CLEAR.

    I feel yummy.

    Anyone up for me sharing some of her insights?



  97.  #97Kyla on January 19, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Liquid Light – yay! you’re welcome!

    Lisa – it feels great to hear about your night out dancing!



  98.  #98Liquid Light on January 19, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Kyla, it sounds like you had another good date??? 🙂



  99.  #99Starla on January 19, 2014 at 11:10 am

    hi Rori,
    I’m not sure how to start a new post/question vs commenting on a previous post. Please let me know if I’m missing something.

    My question:
    How do you gauge how much one on one time is appropriate for a man in a committed relationship, to be spending w/ x- girlfriends, x- lovers who are “just friends”?
    thank you.



  100.  #100Femininewoman on January 19, 2014 at 11:18 am

    April Rose I would love to hear what you have to share. I am over here feeling jumpy uppy inside saying me me me.



  101.  #101Syreena on January 19, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Great! Feel fed up of meeting ‘men’ who don’t even know me but want to FUccccccKKK me and think I would want to fuck them. Yuck! Well the only words that come to mind is Fucccccckkkk right off! Go away!



  102.  #102Rori Raye on January 19, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Syreena, reading your comment – here’s what hit me:

    I was on youtube, watching a video a friend made, got caught up afterward in watching “related” videos – and out of curiosity, read through the comments. Soon – I was clicking on videos and reading comments. What I saw was SO Much Hate.

    I’ve seen this on Huff Post, on comments on my OWN videos, on other people’s Facebook sites about me, about others…

    I’ve seen comedy pieces on TV where all they do is show “hate” twitters. There’s a clip of movie stars reading “hate” tweets about them – and they’re all deeply affected. No one just “let’s it go.”

    considering all this – it only seems “normal” for us to encounter NUMEROUS people who are “one-track-minded,” or “haters,” or even deeply mentally disturbed. To meet a multitude of men who are so clueless and dense they don’t get what talking sex as you describe to a woman feels like, how it impacts women and how it affects the man’s chances of even TALKING to a real woman – especially in this world of blatant sexuality and porn – just sounds, to me….sad.

    I encourage you all to not waste your precious energy in ANGER over these kinds of men, and just use the information as a clue that you’re not attracting good, decent men automatically for many reasons, some of which you can actually shift all by yourself. Use the information to make the shift, not to rail at “What Is.” Love, Rori



  103.  #103Dominique on January 19, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    LoveAlways – 24…… Beautiful, beautiful processing and sharing. Awe inspiring.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  104.  #104Dominique on January 19, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Tereana – 73- Yes!!! So lovely…

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  105.  #105Kyla on January 19, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Yes it was Liquid Light!!! I feel high today. I felt amazing with him and we finally had lots of passionate kissing, yummy! He planned our next date early in the evening too and reminded me several times lol.
    When I checked my phone this morning all my other CDs had left multiple messages for dates while I was out. Maybe they could feel my rockstar vibe? I sure do! I feel too good and into me today to respond to them yet, it feels like effort right now and I want to just bask in this yumminess and let these waves of good feelings keep filling me up for now. I can’t stop smiling!



  106.  #106LoveAlways on January 19, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    KYLA – that is so inspiring – rock star siren power!!



  107.  #107LoveAlways on January 19, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Dominique

    <3
    🙂
    Feeling good being able to feel <3



  108.  #108LoveAlways on January 19, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Hi Starla!!!!!



  109.  #109LoveAlways on January 19, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    April Rose – I want to hear it too!



  110.  #110April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Aw, Femininewoman,

    I feel all warm and fuzzy picturing you jumping up and down, and I feel excited to tell you what Cherry shared.

    She put it soooo simply.

    She said “Do you want to be the one who is respected or the one who is cherished”
    (and immediately I remembered Lisa’s question on a previous thread)

    She said which do you want PRIMARILY? To have your opinions respected or your feelings cherished?

    It’s important to choose – do you want to be in masculine or feminine energy? There needs to be one of each in the relationship. The masculine role has his opinions and actions respected by the feminine partner, whilst the feminine partner has her feelings cherished by the masculine.

    She said there are 3 relationship styles, and its important a man and woman be on the same page about the style of relationship they want to have ;-

    1. Romantic tragedy – high drama, love/hate. usually when one or both of you try to play both roles(masculine AND feminine)

    2. Buddy style – where you take turns at the roles. This can work as long as there is ‘cross-talking’ i.e. “I think/have an idea….How do you feel about that?”(masculine) and “I feel….What do you think?”(feminine)

    3. Romantic comedy – where one partner plays the masculine, leading role. And the other plays the feminine, following role. This is the style that creates the most intimacy.



  111.  #111LoveAlways on January 19, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Romantic comedy it is!



  112.  #112April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    That doesn’t sound like ‘our’ Starla to me.
    (I’m referring to the post number 99)



  113.  #113April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    And…..wait for it…..
    when we wish to attract a man…..
    WE ARE SELLING SOMETHING.
    And that is sex.

    Yes, ladies. Be proud.
    Feminine energy is sensual. It’s receptive. It’s inviting. It’s what HE WANTS.

    He is offering masculine energy in exchange. He is offering protectiveness, generosity, initiative, …. fill in the blanks….

    In fact, if what he is offering makes our life better, we accept him. And he gets the sex (which is more than a physical act – Oh my it is so much more)

    To me, this is a DOUBLE BONUS. I get his masculine qualities.
    AND, when I accept him, I get the wonderful sensations that sex brings, too.



  114.  #114April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    I do not understand …. I feel weird……when women say they feel affronted that men want sex.

    It’s all about sex.

    I would like to replace the word ‘sex’ with this phrase
    ‘The sizzling feeling or anticipation of mutual pleasurable sensation’.

    Yes. I believe men want it to be mutual.
    They think we want it too. And yes please. Mutual pleasurable sensation? Oh, yes. Thank youuuuuu…



  115.  #115Femininewoman on January 19, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Haha April Rose. You and me both. I have a girlfriend who for years has said the bottom line is it is about sex. She has been like the honey that attract flies when it comes to me. For as long as I have known her since immediately after high school she has had men flocking around her in abundance. She is the one who chose not to marry. If there was ever a siren she is it.



  116.  #116Lisa on January 19, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    @Kyla Thanks! It was a blast! <3

    @AprilRose thanks! <3 yes that was my point in the post a either or for the primary in the relationship… thanks for that post.. <3

    @FeminineWoman I went on a hike today and I pondered what you said… and here is what I heard… the secure part of me… that is a strong and wise woman…. doesn't fall for these guys so easily.. and she is the one that knows that they could be BS her all along, until she is with them long enough to know whether or not they are being authentic…

    the other part of me… can and does sometimes get caught up in what they say, and they voice, their scent, their movements, their walk, their touch… and she can fall much more quickly…she is the one that wants to stay when his kiss knocks her socks off!

    and with "D" I was posting from both aspects of me at different times… it sometimes takes the later of me to catch up with the wise woman… and she wants him to be the one… to stay…

    I hope that made sense at all… with "D" though I'd been talking on the phone with him for over 20 days… every night…. so when he got here, we already knew each other as if we'd been dating almost a month or more… and then when he hugged me …. that felt good, when he kissed me WOW… but yet still I can find what you mean by not diving in… and falling , if you can help it too soon…

    Gina Lake's book talks about why we fall in love the way we do… and what the reason is…

    Thanks for raising this point to me, and I'll continue to ponder it….

    Also, C Carter talks about how men can say they love you ( very soon) and then not really mean it long term b/c they "meant it when they say it"… I think I'm like that too… I mean it when I say it… kind of thing…

    and yes, sex is more than just getting off.. for sure… to some and to others it is just that… and everything does have a price… the problem I reading with Dr. Pat Allen and with Steve Harvey talks about how women give it up too soon… I'm on the fence about that…. great topic though April Rose….

    XOXOXO



  117.  #117Syreena on January 19, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    I agree Rori you are right. I don’t let it go quick enough. Under that anger I felt I too feel sad. My heart hurts. Have come across a few men who appear kind and caring who have been attracted to me and me to them. They are the rare ones though and not the right age for me for romance as have been too young or old for me. I honestly believe that these men are the minority though. I would love it to be an ideal world where this were not true. Sadly I don’t live in that ideal world I live in this real world. So have to deal with more of those type of men as there are more of those types and less of the kind caring ones who want to make love to a woman rather than do foook a woman and call women names like cows, biattthes and other dehumanising names, believing they are entitled to respect and sex because they have a penn8888s. I feel no respect for males who treat women like that. None whatsoever.



  118.  #118April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Great script from Cherry for when a man asks you to call him

    “Thank you for inviting me to chase you! I don’t chase men. It would feel great to get a call from you”.



  119.  #119Andrea on January 19, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Hah! Yes! April Rose!! I concur.. with all the SEX stuff. : )

    My new young CD called today. We have not yet met in person. He answered a post I put up on a dating site Friday night. We have emailed back and forth about nothing personal, just general stuff. Then I said, “I feel great about our contact so far. Here’s my number.”

    He called today and it was a little uncomfortable at first. He said, “I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to seem too forward. I don’t really know what you want or what you intended with your post. I don’t really know what you’re looking for.”

    I said, “I feel like I got what I was looking for with that post. I had a wonderful ego boost and a lot of friendly contact. But I’m done with that post. Now I feel very present with you and me right now. We are talking to each other right now. And you can’t be TOO forward, there is nothing invested either way. The more honest you are the more I get to know you. I feel very curious about what made you call and what you are looking for and where you want to go with this. I feel the most comfortable with a man when he is willing to take the lead.”

    He said, “Well, what about this for a lead? What if we meet someplace neutral like a hotel room. What would you think about that?”

    I said, “Ooohhh…. well, I feel really curious … what is it about a hotel room that is neutral. And this feels as though something needs to be hidden. Is there something you want to tell me?”

    He said, “No, I’m single. I’m just thinking about the risk involved if either one of us know where the other lives.”

    I said, “Interesting. Well I’d like to share some thing with you because I think it would make it easier for you. I’m not interested in any way, shape, or form, in casual sex. My feeling is that “casual sex” for me does not exist. There are always emotions and expectations involved when sex enters the picture and I’m not interested in that. I’m not saying that I’m innocent or virginal or even that I’m waiting for marriage before I have sex again, but I am saying that I don’t want to have sex with someone that I don’t feel completely comfortable and safe with. A hotel room feels like casual sex to me and I’m not interested in that.”

    He said, “Oh my gosh, I have to tell you that that is one of the best answers I’ve ever heard to the question of sex. You really intrigue me. I’d really like to at least get to know you better. Is that possible? What is your availability? Can we at least meet for coffee?”

    Then we had a really great conversation about what we are both doing in this town, a little about our pasts, and more.. until I said, “I’ll tell you what, I am sufficiently more interested, so if you do want to call me again sometime, you definitely have my permission to do so.”

    He said, “I do. I do want to talk to you again. I will call you soon.”

    I feel smiles and confidence about this. Even though he started out with the idea of some sort of sex romp, probably because of the nature of my post… I feel like I was able to turn it around and pique his interest in at least my mind if not my personality. And I do believe that he will call me again. I felt very much in control and soft and laughing and cool and open. He’s four years younger than me so I feel excited about a new adventure. (me.. robbing the cradle… lolololol)



  120.  #120April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Andrea!

    I feel shocked reading the last sentence of your post.
    Here’s me thinking he was, like, 20 years younger. It’s only four years! It shouldn’t make any difference, unless you are 18! Lol!



  121.  #121April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    And, when he said he wanted to go for coffee, I’d have been “Mmm, yes please. Thank you. Sounds like a plan!”



  122.  #122Andrea on January 19, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    April Rose # 110
    I really like this… “Feelings cherished, or opinions respected????”

    I immediately, without hesitation, know exactly what I’m looking for right now in my life. Feelings cherished… no doubt.

    I’ve lived such a life in which my opinions were always respected and even asked for in many types of crisis situations. I have learned to speak succinctly and authoritatively and to be a leader in certain situations. I’ve learned how to get my opinions across in such a way that I don’t bull doze the situation, but instead have learned to speak quietly and carry the energy of “I know”…

    All this I have learned because of the roles I constantly play in my life… mother, business owner, public speaker, older sibling, rational and calm minded, the “useful” one.. etc…

    But I am experiencing such a backing away of all that I’ve been… I’ve been meditating a new reality into my being.

    I realized the other day that for the first time in my life I myself am starting to cherish my feelings. I myself am starting to value my time with me. I’m starting to smile and relax more with me. And it’s not all loud and I need my opinions to be heard, it’s more gentle, tender, and hugging and cuddling and I want to experience more of my feelings because I truly cherish what is showing up.

    I’m really looking forward to experiencing being with a man and being able to really respect his opinions because I won’t need to be the opinionated one anymore. I’ll be able to relax into my feelings and just let him opine all over the place, and I’ll just smile and be all gushy and impressed with him and how smart he is…. mmmmmmmm I can’t wait!!!! : )



  123.  #123Andrea on January 19, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    April Rose 121…. lololol!!! I know… it’s just when I consider that my last three boyfriends were well over 15 years older than me…. I just have always dated older men.
    So… to even consider someone my age or younger, I feel like I’m really stretching it. hahahahah….
    Here’s to something new. : )



  124.  #124April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Yay! Here’s to something new….



  125.  #125Linda on January 19, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Hi Sirens

    Been keeping up with the blog and posts just not posting.

    Indigo.. I am really happy to read what is happening in your life with B. It is so encouraging.

    Kyla… your using the tools and experiences with Bear are also very encouraging.

    Lisa… your radar was so right about D. That in itself should be a feather in your siren cap. If it were me I would feel relieved that when he did finally contact you and tell you the whole story you now know the nuts and bolts of it all and can take any guess work out of what happened. It was indeed all his stuff. His plate is full and then some.

    ….

    For me right now.. I am just going thru life, meeting its demands, with my heart all zippered up. It is temporary but at least I can describe it. I have a real “monotone spirit” right now.



  126.  #126Aurora on January 19, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    ((((Linda))))



  127.  #127April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Ah, Linda, the seasons and rhythms of the heart….a silent winter snowflake….a drop of dew

    even a zipped up heart can be beautiful



  128.  #128April Rose on January 19, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    I just saw this-

    “When you are thinking about something that your inner self, or soul, wants, you feel positive emotions. When you are thinking about something that you do not want, you experience negative emotions – that’s it, in a nutshell.

    It works because your emotions are an indicator of your relationship, at any given time, to your essence, your inner self, or your soul, no matter what you would like to call it. Your inner self knows what things are attuned to joy and bliss, and when you experience things that are not in accord with the infinitely positive essence of your being, there is discord, which you feel as a negative emotion.

    We call it a guidance system, because if you are aware of a negative emotion, it means that you are letting your thoughts carry you down a road you don’t want to travel.”



  129.  #129Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Helena Hart (76) – I liked your take on that! 🙂

    The idea of what my “boy” energy is doing for my “girl.” And then I don’t have to expect the actual boys to do those things. They are free to do what they want. Thanks!



  130.  #130Brenda on January 19, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Rori help please

    I tried moving on like u said when he stood me up on Christmas. I have changed my locks and blocked his calls, but he started texting and calling from other numbers and showed up at my house.He threw rocks a t my window he said he couldn’t breath that he wanted to use my sons asthma pump.

    I threw it out the window and he cursed me out and left.he said im childish that all he wants is to talk to me before he has to go away for some traffic stuff he has going on.l felt bad and so I agreed he said he would pick me up at 5 but he didn’t come til 8.

    He picked me up and we had drinks he played my favorite songs he sang to me he kissed me and it felt like he missed me I went nc for 10 days. He said he can’t live without me that his kids misses me.He took me out to a nice restaurant he was so sweet to me and at the end of the night he put a ring on my finger he said that its a promise that when he get his ttraffic situation out of the way he will be with me.

    We made love all night and the next day I dropped the kids off at school and we laid down like we usually do on my days off all day holds each other and sex again.We seemed to be getting along he told me he was sorry he gave me card of apology and promises, he left that day.

    The next day I got off work and he was parked on the back of my house waiting on me.I was a lil caught off guard because a friend I had meet was supposed to pick me up from my house and take me to get food.So I text him and had to cancel , so since x was waiting outside my house i had to let uim in but he seen me text in my phone he asked me who i was talking to? I told him I was showing my friends the ring he bought me.

    He stayed for hrs we watched tv and I laid I his chest when it got late he left said he was going out to have drinks since he had so much going on w itht the traffic case and I said ok.

    The next day which was a sat I got off work he was at my house my kids had let him in he couldn’t get through to me to let me know because I had to put my phone away at work.So when I got home he asked me why I didn’t answer his calls and text that he was worried and I told him I had to have it put away because I was really busy.

    We had some food and sat around watching tv I rubbed his feet and we seemed to be getting along.it was getting late and I knew he wanted to go out because it was sat.But he came upe with a bright idea…..

    He said that since he has to go away for a yr could I have a 3 some with him and his friend.I told him no I said that I thought we were trying to at least work on getting along first before we could even think about that and that I don’t want to do it and I understand he wants to do those kind of things but I don’t want to do it, I told him if he wants to do that he could.

    He was disappointed he went on for an hr saying how he just wants to have fun and he’s going away and I should do it Rita his sister and her husband does it all the time that I’m making a big deal put of nothing.

    I told him maybe next week I would consider it if it was some one different not his friend.

    He got up to leave at this time it was 12at night.I asked ok if he could give me money for gas to go to work in the am.He said he would come and take me to work.I told him how if its already late and he’s going out and I know u won’t get up in time I asked if he would just leave the money, he said no.

    So I asked him to please take his suitcase that he had brung earlier.He said I was childish for making him remove his clothes in the middle of the night.



  131.  #131Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Brenda – I feel confused about what you need help with. Is this guy someone you actually like or do you need to get a restraining order. Sounds like one of the two…



  132.  #132Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    ok, here is what I don’t get. Will someone explain this to me, please? Or maybe don’t explain it. Perhaps there is no explanation.

    But the thing is, this is something I have watched happen a lot – a friend of mine, be it a man or a woman, is in a relationship. And being friends, we talk about our relationships. And these people confide in me about the problems that they are having in said relationships. To me they sound like insurmountable problems (the man is an alcoholic; he broke her heart; he is moving across the country for school and doesn’t think that they’ll make it; you get the idea…). And sometimes friend will cry on my virtual shoulder about the awful breakup she’s just had, and I will comfort her with profound words and encouragement from my own experience, hopefully without sugarcoating or being sappy.

    And here’s what I watch in my life when these thing happen: We break up, and we stay broken up. If an ex ever comes around again, I am usually only reminded of the reason we broke up in the first place. If there is even a tiny problem, it becomes insurmountable – and we break up. I cry for days, I feel sad, and I never see him again. And so on.

    Here is what happens with my friends: They broke up, and a few days or weeks later, they are back together again and happy as ever – if not even happier and more together than they were before. My friends who have been together with men who had severe mental and physical health problems – now married and very, very happy with their spouses. The friends who thought they “wouldn’t make it” totally did. And even a client of mine once told me about her breakup with her BF, and then later, after the holidays, they got back together, moved in together, and everything.

    So I am just asking the Universe – what is up with that?? What is up with all of these people being able to repair their relationships, whereas mine seem to be made of some type of material that, when it’s broken, it just stays that way. When something is over, I get to gather what I can and move on. I might want something to continue, or to talk about it, but I never get that opportunity. And on the rare chance that a guy does actually contact me again to “test the waters” it is usually unwelcome in the extreme.

    So what are these other couples doing? Why is there such a desire to come back together, whereas for me, it is to flee the scene of the crime, essentially? What is the deal, here? I’m just curious.

    Ok, thanks Universe. You’re wicked weird.



  133.  #133Lisa on January 19, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    @Linda Thanks! Yes, I’m sooo glad that the last night he was here… and I had this deep gut feeling…… something felt off.. that I said, I’m going to go home, I’m feeling tired.. and I left…

    and then I had this weird feeling that the next day, too… so I’d already decided… no go!

    but then that part of me that says,,, oh but he was this and he was that and it felt so good and we were so compatible… didn’t matter one bit.. he isn’t available…

    and I’m so proud of me for not getting sucked up into his need to pour out his problems on me and all I said was, I’m sorry your going through this… I know it must be hard… and then silence…

    yes, I have strong feelings for him,,, I miss him and yes, boy did I love the compatibility etc… but I’m not settling for what isn’t there… next!! I have more dates coming… meeting new men all the time… “D” is history…

    and after the attention I got last night from the man 1/2 my age and how that felt… WOW why wouldn’t I wait for that kind of thing… totally worth waiting for the man that will come at me like that…

    Thanks!

    OXOXOX



  134.  #134Brenda on January 19, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Tereane

    I’m confused on how he seemed to have been willing to work on us and then it turned around so badly so quickly when I told him I didn’t want tot do the 3some all in one night but this story goes on.



  135.  #135Cupcake on January 19, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Hi, Sirens-

    Last night Lord Voldemort called me on Skype, and it felt really nice to talk to him. I was waiting for a CD to pick me up, and he could see I was all dressed up and looked ready to go out. He asked me if I was going on a date and when I said yes his jaw dropped and he looked stunner. I said, “I feel surprised that you’re surprised. I’m in a new city and I feel it’s important to get out and meet people, and I want to get on with my life.”

    We had a nice chat about other things, and it felt warm and cozy. And he said that he wanted me to come visit him in his country, which was a huge thing for me, to hear him say that. He said he didn’t know upon what footing, and we should assume we were starting over on a blank screen, but that he wanted to see me, and since he couldn’t come back over here for a while for work reasons, I should come over there. He said he could take a little time off work and we’d travel around and see things. (I have frequent flyer miles for the ticket.)

    So I woke up and I was really happy, and we texted on and off during the day. He leaned forward, telling me where he was throughout the day, what he was doing. It felt like old times, very open, very intimate. He said we’d talk later tonight.

    And then he texted that he was getting ready for bed. And I texted back, something like, “Oh, are we going to talk? You said we should talk today to figure out what dates I am coming over.”

    And he texted back that actually, it’s probably best if I not come over after all. He said today a good friend bared her all to him and he’s liked her for a long time but never said anything, so now it would just be awkward for me to come over.

    I texted back, “GAME OVER.”

    I’m not really surprised. But I am disappointed.

    Thank God I’ve been CDing, so I know there are other men in the world. I just really liked him. And all of the above makes him sound like an A-Hole, but he’s really not. I think he just got scared by how quickly we slipped back into the way it was.

    And where did this other girl come from? I mean, what the EFF?

    So I haven’t cried, even, about this. Because he was being so like the old Lord Voldemort all day, I really did feel like he wanted me to come over, and I guess he just panicked. Or maybe this other woman was the reason he pulled back from me all along. I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.

    I just feel kinda bummed that my CDs are a guy who is really nice and has a good job but is short and heavy (Gilligan’sSkipperCD), and the really funny, rather attractive presumably alcoholic MortiartyCD. And everyone else on OKC looks revolting. I guess I just need to get out more.

    I want Lord Voldemort to be happy, and frankly it does seem like he has a screw loose somewhere. So perhaps rejection is God’s protection there.

    But I have a few screws loose too, and I’m sure all of us do, more or less.

    And I wanted to go traveling around in his country looking at things. That’s the real bummer. 🙁



  136.  #136Lisa on January 19, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    @Cupcake {{{HUGS}}}



  137.  #137cupcake on January 19, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Thanks, Lisa.

    Now I have been crying. He wrote back, “Lovely.” in response to my GAME OVER text. I answered saying I feel disappointed and sad, and that feels bad. And other stuff along the same lines. I could see that he read the message, but he didn’t answer.

    My heart literally hurts. And I called my sister to cry and she yelled at me, saying that I need to get my priorities straight. She thinks wanting to get married is idiotic.

    I wish I were one of those people who just don’t invest that much. I d



  138.  #138cupcake on January 19, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    Whoops, accidentally hit submit.

    I was saying I don’t feel invested in the current CDs, but Lord V was my friend in the trenches of OKC for a year before we started interacting in the real world. I didn’t think we’d meet, so I didn’t keep myself pulled in emotionally. Then it became more of a thing and I was already invested.

    I don’t think he will ever disappear entirely from my life. Although maybe that is not a good thing. I just don’t Move On well.



  139.  #139Brenda on January 19, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Ok he went out to his truck and called me to come out so I did.He kept trying to persuade me tp do the 3 way I told him no,he said his sister and her husband had done it its not a big deal.I got out of his truck and he came behind me and said it was late that he’ll just stay at my house the night and he so tired of me not listening to him.

    We got in he asked me to get him a glass of water so I did when I got back to the rm he started kissing. This is something he rarely does especially since we have been not getting along for a yr now.He went down on me and it felt good.

    All of a sudden his friend came in and stood over me and x told me to do him I said no.Then he came up and tried to kiss me and I bit his lip.He tossed my legs up and his friend stood over me with his penis out.This went on maybe 5 mins and then turned me around to switch I felt like garbage. I felt soaked and I pushed his friend away and went to the bathroom. The x came in and asked me why am I fighting this to just please do this for him.I told him I was bleeding and he said that I wasn’t he went down on me and grabbed my hand to come out of the bathroom.

    He layed back and his friend went down on me and x couldn’t get back up so he switched qnd then neither of them could get back up.He told me to do his friend anyway I tried while he was behind and I felt wet and I ran back to the bathroom.

    X came in and he was pissed and me for stopping again by the time we came out thank God his friend was gone.Then x started getting his things on to leave too.

    I was happy he was leaving.He grabbed my keys and my cell and walked out the door said I don’t need to leave the house.

    5 mins later he came back in and ran bath water and told me to get in the tub and he got in too.He held me and asked me why couldn’t I just do that for him and I got out the tub and laid down.

    He laid down beside me and held me and I cried myself to sleep.I didn’t go to work I called off at 6 I was too angry to get up at 7am he got on top of me and it didn’t feel good besides he was kissing me so soft and telling me that he loves me so much, and how he can’t let me go and he loves me too much that he is addicted to me and I just need to do what he says.

    He got up and showered and left to go to church.while he was in the shower I seen his baby’s mother asked him is he going to Church today.

    He always told me he has nothing going on with her in that way he says that I kick him out and it forces him to get closer to her but he doesn’t want to he in a relationship with her and the stuff they do is for his son.

    He left that morning and I sat and I don’t know what to do feel or think right now.



  140.  #140Lisa on January 19, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Ok Wow I didn’t expect it.. I’m so tired from hiking today, I didn’t hear my phone ring…hours ago… was going to bed and saw I had messages…

    “D” called! I was shocked… totally..didn’t expect to hear from him…

    and i listed to the message… and then all of the sudden, I felt sad… and missing him… how on earth has this happened to me…??

    I don’t understand it… even with “S” it was over a month and in person dating, love making etc… and when we broke, it wasn’t that much charge to it… b/c it had only been a month…

    I don’t understand why I’m reacting this way… I know FW was questioning it as well.. how can I be having these charged feelings for him… I don’t get it…

    Why the H&&L am I crying… I don’t know what to do…. I don’t know why I’m having this come up…

    I’m so confused….

    Everything was fine until he called… now I’m a mess… crying!!

    OXOX



  141.  #141Brenda on January 19, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    I don’t know what to do about what happened last night.I know I hated it and I feel like garbage. I feel like shit and he runs off and gives someone else the good parts of his life.While I’m pushed into a triangle that I didn’t want and my body feels horrible.



  142.  #142cupcake on January 19, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Brenda-

    That story feels terrifying to read. I can only imagine how terrible it felt to live it.

    I don’t even know what to say.

    (((((Brenda)))))



  143.  #143Lisa on January 19, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    @Brenda {{{{{HUGS}}}} <3

    Ok I don't know what to do…. but I'm crying and I'm going to bed and sleep… maybe tomorrow after sleep I'll have more clarity on this.. I'm not calling him back just yet… cuz I don't know what to do….

    OXOXO



  144.  #144Brenda on January 19, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    I just don’t know how stuff was going ok and I broke nc because he showed some signs that it would be ok to deal with him again. He gave me a ring wrote me a letter and apologized, but his actions after that didn’t follow up it only took him 3 days to disappoint me this time around.



  145.  #145Cupcake on January 19, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    Looks like we’re all having horrible nights here.

    I’m crying too, now. Buckets. Not about Lord Voldemort, specifically, just about being afraid I’ll never ever get this right, that no one will ever really love me, and that if someone does, I’ll just mess it up, like I think I did with Lord Voldemort the first time.

    I wish I had a river I could skate away on. Or jump into and sink, sink, sink.



  146.  #146Cupcake on January 19, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    Oh. Wait. I just realized that I’m about 1/4 mile from a very large river. And I’m too darn lazy and sad to go jump into it and sink.

    🙁



  147.  #147Shannon on January 19, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Brenda, seriously… what’s wrong with you?

    I know that this is a “fix your relationship” site, but for the love of God, woman. Get real.

    You block the guy… he circumvents it and HE STALKS YOU… so you sleep with him… despite his completely insane, irrational, zombie-esque delusional behavior…

    I’m sorry, but you have a serious problem there. Whether it’s self esteem, or something else. Get a restraining order and stand by it. This guy is dangerous… and didn’t you say something about a SON that YOU have??

    YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO YOUR CHILD. You do NOT keep a delusional, stalking jerk in your life if you have a child. And for the love of all that’s holy, you shouldn’t have such a person in YOUR OWN life, either!

    This kind of thing only escalates, and right now it’s EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. The guy is throwing rocks at your windows. He’s breaking your windows. He’s showing up THREE HOURS LATE AND YOU ARE JUST F**KING HIM ANYWAY!

    Seriously, lady. Seriously. Sit yourself down. Now THINK really hard about this, whether you have a son or not.

    His behavior is really, really bad. He’s not just toxic, he’s dangerous. He cannot take ‘no’ for an answer, but still shows up 3 hours late.

    For real. How can you possibly justify these things?? How?!

    If anyone else wrote what you wrote, you would be like… OMFG, get a protection order against this guy YESTERDAY! So why would you treat YOUR OWN SELF worse??

    I’m sorry, but the only person who can help you, is you. You have to shut this guy out. NOW. COMPLETELY.

    You’re in a dangerous place. And you can’t even see it. This will NEVER get better. Ever. Men who will do what he has done only escalate. They only get more dangerous. He doesn’t love you, he wants to OWN you. The “promise ring” is his branding iron… don’t do it.

    These things are NOT OKAY and they are NOT SAFE!



  148.  #148Shannon on January 19, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    And Brenda, if you’re not lying about what happened with this “threesome” thing, then you need to get your head on right.

    That was rape. YOU SAID NO.

    He lays down with you and tells you to just do what he asks of you? Let another man sexually assault you?

    What is wrong with you??

    Either you are lying, or you are literally so far out of your mind that you can’t understand that you were sexually assaulted. That was not consensual, and thus IT WAS RAPE.

    If this was your daughter… just imagine it for a minute… if this was your daughter… would you be fine with A SINGLE THING THAT THIS MAN HAS DONE?

    Especially with him making your daughter perform sexually with another man after SHE SAID NO?

    Get your head on right! Get that man OUT Of your life, and get a restraining order against him AND his rapist “friend”.

    Good god. Two men raped you, and you “don’t know what to think”? You call the cops, that’s what you think. You think 911 and you don’t lie to yourself anymore about “well, I didn’t REALLY say no” or any other such nonsense. You DID say no. You tried to escape the situation, and he kept pushing you back into it.

    Call the cops. Charge them both. NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.

    This man is “addicted” to you? No. He is addicted to his power over you. He is dangerous, and one thing we know FOR AN ABSOLUTE FACT IS THAT HE IS A RAPIST.

    I am so astounded that you sat there and wrote that story, and you don’t know “what to think”. Think the obvious. The man is a psychopathic rapist. Get yourself safe RIGHT NOW, and if you have a son (maybe I misunderstood stuff about HIS son), get him safe, too.

    What was done to you is NOT OKAY. Not now. Not ever. Rape isn’t fine; and what you described was outright rape. Wake up to it!



  149.  #149Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    And of course, as you might suspect, there is some fallout (internally) from my call yesterday. I woke up feeling very lonely. And I have had a slew of other emotions come and go. But you know what? Those are just me emotions. They are the I ones I have been trying NOT to feel since November.

    Sadness. Hurt. Anger. The Injustice of it all.

    And finally I just acknowledged this: that it doesn’t matter what he says. He doesn’t have to be “right” about me. Just because he assigns a judgment and makes something my fault that isn’t, doesn’t make it true. And I know myself. I know my motivations and I know what happened. I know that I am true to myself. And now, I think I have an even better idea of what what means. His “truth” as interpretation, means only that he is not True to me… And that’s all I really need to know.

    Onward and upward….



  150.  #150Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    Brenda. Oh my G-d yes. At first, I thought that you should just get a restraining order. This guy sounds nuts (just based in the thing about the inhaler). But now I am shaking and my heart is pounding, just reading how he and his friend raped you. They really did. There are no two ways about it. And you know the truth? Most women are raped by men that try know, and for that reason, they don’t report it. Either they are afraid, or they convince themselves it wasn’t rape.

    You KNOW something is wrong here.

    Otherwise you wouldn’t be posting about this.

    And the creepiest thing as that he got you into the rub afterward. That is a classic rapist technique to destroy evidence. He does NOT care about you. AT ALL. Do not make any excuses for him. Listen to the other women on the blog. I feel so sick to my stomach, reading your story. You weren’t just raped, and that wasn’t a threesome. You were gang-raped.

    Do you really want to let him/them get away with this? We don’t.

    I hope you do something about this

    And is this Brenda from before, or a different Brenda? Is this man R? If so I feel very afraid for you. Either way I feel afraid for you. This man is stalking you also. You need to get a restraining order. NOW



  151.  #151Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    Shannon, please be gentle with Brenda. It would be natural not to know what to “do, feel, or think” after being raped. In fact, that is a huge indicator that it WAS rape. It doesn’t mean that there is something “wrong” with her. But she does need help.

    Brenda, there is a national sexual assault crisis line, and the number is 1-800-656-HOPE

    On this website you can search for a crisis center in your area http://centers.rainn.org/

    You don’t have to know what to do, think, or feel. But you can call and tell them what you are going through.



  152.  #152Tereana on January 19, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Cupcake – please don’t jump in a river! Unless it is for super fun awesome swimming. Bacause this: “afraid ill never get this right, that no one will ever love me, and if they do, I’ll just mess it up.” I know exactly that feeling! That is how I feel most of the time. *sigh*

    It’s ok. It can still work for us!

    ((((Cupcake))))



  153.  #153Veronica on January 19, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Oh my word!

    Is there not something we can do to support Brenda? I’m not sure which country you reside in Brenda and so I don’t know which organizations would be useful in this situation.

    Aside from what you describe, which is very much rape, he also trespassed on your property many times and stole your keys – since he is not a tenant or a landlord he has no right whatsoever to have keys to your home. Please get some protection, please get some legal advice and lay charges. I feel sick thinking about what happened.



  154.  #154Veronica on January 19, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Brenda, I feel so terribly sad about what happened to you. How are you feeling today? Do you have people near you that can help you and support you in this – family or at work?



  155.  #155Kyla on January 19, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    ((((Cupcake))))

    ((((Brenda))))

    ((((Lisa))))

    ((((Tereana))))

    ((((Linda))))

    ((((Shannon))))

    I don’t know what to say but I am sending love to all of you.



  156.  #156Shannon on January 19, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    Fair enough, Tereana. But the truth is that I just cannot see how she could write that story and not see it for what it extremely clearly was…

    And as a mother, I just cannot get my mind around letting this guy come around her children. I honestly just cannot manage to get my head around it.

    I fear she will simply make excuses for him, though, if someone doesn’t shake her out of it. 🙁



  157.  #157Brenda on January 19, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Veronica I have no one to tell.I feel ashamed I just was showing my mom and a few friends the ring he gave me a few days ago.

    To tell them now or anyone else is so embarrassing, because I thought we were going to work stuff out between us.All the apologizing the card he gave me taking me out to dinner us spending Time together, I thought he was ready to work on some issues we had for so long now.

    Yes Shannon my story is true my work is going down but as a mother I think I’m doing ok by my kids.I’m not doing ok to me so I guess I see your point in how that does affect my kids.I’ve been sitting in bed all day I have 2 teenagers and a 6 yr old they like x but I know they can sense things are haven’t been right between us and I see how that also affects my kids.

    X and I have been in each other lives since 2002 I had 2 of my kids already when I met him, we were off at some point for 2 yrs because I moved away. I got pregnant with my last baby and his father died while I was pregnant in 2006.I moved back to the city and bumped back into x and we have been in each other’s lives every since.

    Just to explain how I got to this point with him not to defend any of this stuff that has went on but, he is a very good looking guy.Hazel eyes long hair nice body looks like David Beckham with hair, and dimples.He has alot of women always calling or wanting him.

    My kids love him my kids are the type if something is wrong they will speak up my teenagers got this from there dad my 6 yr old got this from them, so honestly they love x he is nice to them and never hurt them but I feel if our relationship isn’t right we really have nothing. So I have been trying to cut it off but I have loved him for so long its so hard to do but last night is really a hard push.

    I feel like a dodo I let him back in last night and well he said he was coming in anyway to lay down and then he let his friend in when I went to get him water.

    Sometimes I do feel like I wish someone could shake me out of this or I could blink and have a better life that includes him or not or just none of this nonsense that’s been going on that seems to have gotten worse.

    I am responsible because I shouldn’t have broken nc and letting him in my house, but I have been having such a hard time staying nc he comes to my house and me calling police on him I don’t think I could, I just wish I could disappear with my kids and be done.I don’t want to hurt him he already has legal problems problems w itht the law and I can’t see myself sending him to jail.He has kids that I have been in there lives also.

    What I’m hoping and have been hoping here is that he would’ve been walked away.I have changed my locks blocked his calls have gotten an order of protection that he knows I have against him and he shows up at my door anyway. He knows I can’t bring myself to call the police on him.But last night is something else I’m sitting here thinking now.

    I have been eating alot for the last few mths and I ate alot today.I’m laying in bed and my body feels weird.



  158.  #158Emerson on January 19, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    I feel open to meet a special someone…I want a serious relationship …
    But I’ve realized I’m so used to being alone, I feel scared to be with someone! I feel afraid of letting someone in. it makes no sense.
    How do I get over this?



  159.  #159Epiphyllum on January 19, 2014 at 10:33 pm

    Oh Cupcake

    Big hugs to you!

    I feel your pain, you’re allowed to cry but not to have your heart broken, and then move on life. You too deserve a good man who loves you & cherish your feelings! You’ll surely find happiness in other courtship dance down the journey. It may not be with LordV but a special someone who really deserves your love!

    XOXOXO



  160.  #160Epiphyllum on January 20, 2014 at 12:41 am

    # 110 April Rose

    I feel that the Romantic Comedy Style seems all passive for the lady. Buddy style Relationship is not a bad idea as long as you keep your feminine energy stronger than the masculine energy throughout! I believe most health men would love a bit of ‘give and take’ when two of you have become more exclusive, especially in the area of “Sex”!!.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on January 20, 2014 at 2:13 am

    Thanks April rose



  162.  #162Femininewoman on January 20, 2014 at 2:17 am

    Brenda sorry to be so blunt but this is not a boyfriend. He and his friend has done this repeatedly to women. It is a favor they do for each other. This is not a boyfriend. You mean nothing to him. Also this is about your life. For all you know they might have passed on a deadly disease. If you have teenage kids it seems you are old enough to know this is all wrong. I hope you at least know who the friend was. This was preplanned and you should have been screaming when that guy walked in. You’ve got to take better care of yourself. You have kids that need you and believe me those boys might have killed them if they knew what was happening. Come on.



  163.  #163Veronica on January 20, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Brenda, he was being deceptive and manipulative. You didn’t know that he was going to do that to you when you showed off the ring. It’s impossible for you to have known that that was going to happen. Much love and strength to you.

    If you told your mom that you were deceived, do you believe you will get the support and comfort you need? I also feel concerned that since he has your keys that he will return and that would further traumatize you. If you called the police on him do you believe that he will become violent, return later and threaten you or leave you alone?



  164.  #164Tereana on January 20, 2014 at 5:03 am

    Cupcake – I just reread your post where you wrote rejection is G-d’s protection. I needed that reminder!



  165.  #165Tereana on January 20, 2014 at 5:18 am

    Brenda – I have been thinking a lot about you and I feel so concerned. If I knew the town you lived in I would call and report it myself. It makes me SO angry to hear that this happened. The men have NO right to do what they did and it doesn’t matter that he bought you a ring or dinner or any of that. That does not equal a relationship. In fact, in this case, maybe he thinks he gets to “buy” you, like you are a prostitute and he thinks he owns you. Well, he DOES’T.

    If he has kids and other legal problems, then those are HIS problems. You don’t need to protect him from anything. He set this up. He called his friend over and he had sex with you against your will and now you feel horrible. If you feel ashamed, you can always tell people that. You can say it to your mother, or a co-worker who you feel safe talking to. Say, “I feel so ashamed, because he gave me this ring and I thought he cared about me, but now he’s done something to hurt me and I don’t feel good about it.”

    Seriously. I know you don’t want him to get hurt. But for him to avoid a consequence for this just gives him more power and means he will take advantage of either you or someone else. It’s scary that your kids let him in the house (he is probably good at charming them, too). It’s scary that he took your keys and cell phone. He is keeping you prisoner. And you want to protect him? I know it is hard to separate yourself from this. But it is beyond you now.

    I know anonymity is important on this blog, but honestly, if you said where you are, we will all call in and report this. Rape is a crime. Because it destroys women, and it destroys the fabric of society by placing violence where there should be love. It is SO wrong. Trust yourself. This does not feel good to you because it isn’t. And running away doesn’t help you. You can stand up and be strong.

    And Shannon, that’s a fair point. I actually didn’t think your comments were that bad. And they were totally spot on. They just might have felt a little harsh to me if I were in Brenda’s situation. Yes, it is hard to understand how a woman could possibly allow things like this to happen. But that is part of the trauma and the violence – the men are charismatic and they know how to make the women feel like it is Thor choice and their “fault.” Then they want to do whatever they can to repair the hurt and that is how they stay in. It’s insidious and it’s not her fault. She has been totally hypnotized by this guy. What I think is she needs out support to beak the spell so that she can do something. And she came here first. It’s a good first step.

    Brenda you don’t have to be alone in this. You do not deserve what happened. It’s not your fault



  166.  #166Dominique on January 20, 2014 at 5:25 am

    Tereana – 132 – I can’t speak for these other people you mention; I can only speak for myself. And I’m have been just like you. When a relationship ends, it has ended for a very good reason. And I have no desire to have any further contact with this person. Why would I? I carry no animosity, yet we broke up because it wasn’t working in a major way.

    Yet there are some who can still maintain a friendship with the ex, a very nice one even.

    So bottom line we are all different. What feels right for you is right for you. Embrace this. 🙂

    xxoo



  167.  #167Dominique on January 20, 2014 at 5:26 am

    Brenda – 134 – Words are meaningless without the actions to back them up. Are his actions matching up? I don’t see that they are so much.

    xxoo



  168.  #168Dominique on January 20, 2014 at 5:37 am

    And reading on, Brenda, I feel as horrified as the rest here. What you need to do is clear. Never mind about feeling embarrassed. Your safety, your children’s safety is paramount.

    xxoo



  169.  #169Shannon on January 20, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Brenda, your children are NOT safe from this guy. He is a charming sociopath who has convinced them that he’s fabulous.

    They adore him? Do you honestly think that they would care one tiny iota how good-looking he is or how nice he pretends to be if they knew that he and his buddy raped you?

    Don’t imagine for ONE SECOND that they don’t sense something terribly wrong. And if you do nothing about this, you are teaching them that RAPE IS OKAY AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO A MAN WHO DOES IT.

    Now. Do you want to teach your SONS that? Do you want to teach a DAUGHTER that??

    Think about what you’re really doing here. Step back and put aside how good looking he is. Step back and ask yourself if he respected you, or cared a tiny bit about your feelings. AT ALL.

    Can you REALLY love and live with a rapist? Can you really teach your children that rapists should be allowed to simply get away with it, as long as they make sure that they rape someone WHO LOVES THEM?

    Because that’s the lesson here. You can sit there and say that no harm has been done to your sons, but HUGE harm is being done. They are being taught how to be a man in a relationship by THIS guy.

    INCLUDING bringing in your buddy to rape the woman that loves you.

    Now, you can NOT sit there and tell me that this isn’t an extremely harmful lesson for your son/s to learn.

    And they would NEVER love him if they knew the truth. He is NOT good for them. He raped their mother. He invited his “friend” to rape their mother.

    You can’t lie to yourself except by force of will. What he did here is way too extreme, and you know it.

    You can’t call the police on him? Yes, you can. And you had better start doing so. YESTERDAY.

    The next thing that’s going to happen is that he’s going to snoop on your computer or phone. He’s going to find this, and he’s going to cut you off from it. Because he’s a violent rapist stalker, and THAT IS WHAT THEY DO.

    This will get progressively worse because he will get progressively more violent and aggressive. He will continue to hurt you worse, and then one day that violence will extend to your children (and it’s a guaranteed FACT that if he’s raping you, he’s harming his own children already). By that time, his control over you will be so complete that you almost certainly won’t even OWN a phone.

    Because already, he can do this kind of violence to you because you won’t even call the police. You’d rather die than lose this handsome fellow, since no doubt you have accepted the ridiculous idea that you can’t do any better. A slug with a vibrator would be better! This guy is a stalker, a controlling pr**k, and a rapist.

    You have to follow through on that restraining order. You have to. Your life and the safety of your children depends on it. Your freedom and your hope for yourself depends on it. Your self esteem depends on it.

    This guy will never marry you. He has all the control he needs without that investment. You’re already his, and have been all along.



  170.  #170Cris on January 20, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Astonished by reading about Brenda. Sorry but it is almost unbelievable for me that somebody cannot take charge of her life, specially if there are kids involved. I know it can be true, and it feels so horrible that I am sick



  171.  #171LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Brenda – please report this to the police. He WILL DO IT AGAIN. Get a restraining order, and get on with your life without him. He is a danger to you, your children and your lifestyle. It seems he cannot stay away from you, so you need protection from the law. Please take care of yourself and be safe. (((((((((((BRENDA)))))))))))



  172.  #172LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Good Morning Sirens:

    I drew a picture of my “bridge” this morning. My new bridge. I noted earlier in the fall that is was under construction (lol). It’s finished now. A new beautiful spacious bridge with homeland security procedures installed!! Men are not allowed to just merely walk along my new bridge. A stricter screening process is required now to traverse this path of mine. All of the wildlife is restricted as well. No toads, frogs, monkey or dogs allowed on my new bridge (he he, that makes me feel giggly).



  173.  #173Femininewoman on January 20, 2014 at 6:52 am

    I am so with Shannon on this one Brenda. Her words come across as tough love shaking you out of a trance. You have a group of strong supportive women her who will have your back if you allow us to. Somebody might live in your town.



  174.  #174LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 6:53 am

    Along with my daily Rori program selection, I am listening to Christian Carter’s Catch Him & Keep him – Mastering Make or Break Moments With Men and reading Rose Cole’s High – Priestess E-book. I realize I have my own approach to these situation, but you stop living when you stop learning and opening yourself to new ideas, so I’m considering it all. In the end, I will do what feels best for me, but I do enjoy the pointers and there are a few “aha” moments for me as well.



  175.  #175LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 6:58 am

    I’m going to open up for new CDs in a few weeks (maybe longer, I’ll see how I feel). See what the universe brings me this time. Last time I did that I ended up with 5 CDs at one time. It was a bit to manage, but my lifestyle is very different now, so it will be interesting to see how it all works out. My boy energy is doing all sorts of preparing lol, like I’m about to go on a deep sea diving expedition. My girl is looking forward to just flowing with the waves and playing in the water like a mermaid. 😀



  176.  #176LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 7:02 am

    No on line dating sites, no bars, no clubs. Whole new and different places and things to do to run into new men. For example, I’m going to go to high end car washes just for fun 🙂



  177.  #177Femininewoman on January 20, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Reading back I can’t help but think that that guy acted like a pimp we see in movies.



  178.  #178LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 7:02 am

    My boy energy has come up with some entertaining ideas!



  179.  #179LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 7:04 am

    FW

    I thought pimp too!! That punk mentality that can only have strength and power in his life if a woman is under foot or bending to his will! It was indeed a pimp move to force her to have sex with him and his friend



  180.  #180LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 7:05 am

    And I want dates that involve more than food!



  181.  #181Lisa on January 20, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Sleep made all the difference… I woke up thinking clearer and my wise woman was in charge this morning….what do I want? What am I needing right now? How can I stay on track to finding a husband….. it isn’t by giving into the part of me that gets attached easily…. or thinking that I can lose out… if I do respond to certain things… as if my “The ONe” can slip away that easily… humm

    New thread up….!!! See you there <3

    OXOXO



  182.  #182LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Dates will serve the purpose of meeting my needs! What I feel like doing! I going off script from this point on . . . my own script! I’m the star! 😀



  183.  #183Shannon on January 20, 2014 at 7:09 am

    I need help writing my online dating profile. Several women here have said they wrote great ones. Can anyone give me some pointers/ help? Prease?



  184.  #184LoveAlways on January 20, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Lisa

    I knew sleep would make you feel better <3



  185.  #185Tereana on January 20, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Brenda, I don’t want you or anyone else to think think that I think I’m ‘better’ somehow than you in your situation. If anything I feel like that could be me, and maybe it has been, to some degree.

    This is maybe a little less extreme, but it makes me think of S and how he’s made me feel. Like he did all this stuff, and he would be super sweet and understanding and supportive. He would “show up” and make effort – seemingly. And then he would just turn on me.

    And in the end, he first praised me for writing him a heart-felt email, which I did, and in which I told him the choice to call or not call me was his. Then he said he would call. And before I even got that message, he sent me a series of abusive and emotionally controlling texts in which he went out of his way to say that he was NOT going to call because of something I had written in the letter. Well, if he didn’t like it, then why didn’t he just not respond in the first place?

    Why? Because he wanted to hurt me, that’s why. Because he wanted to leave me, he didn’t want to feel “trapped” (maybe he thought I was controlling HIM), and so he needed an excuse and he needed to make it my fault.

    This of course triggers an automatic response of feeling like I “need” to make it right. I feel misunderstood, and so I wrote some letters back, explaining what I “really meant” and how I was not blaming him at all. How could I? It wasn’t his fault. But to know response. Empty air. And that is his continuinganipulation. To promise me something, then deliver nothing and insist that it is because of me, leaving no room for redress or discussion of anything it all.

    It is childish at best, and borderline toxic.

    I may have pushed him further away withy call on Saturday, but like cupcake said (and others), rejection is protection. It doesn’t feel good. But trying to have a relationship with this man would be much worse. Despite my feelings and how good the sex was, I just need to know that he is 100% wrong for me. And I can’t blame myself for getting involved. It’s not my fault he is how he is. But I don’t need it in my life.

    Thank you for sharing your story and being brave, Brenda



  186.  #186Lisa on January 20, 2014 at 7:13 am

    @Brenda I’ve been there… I have…. and I can’t know exactly what your going through but I have been there….. If there is anything I can do….. my heart goes out to you…. I won’t take up so much of the blog with my own story… I can certainly tell you how I made it through if at any point you care to know……. big {{{hugs}}} <3



  187.  #187Shannon on January 20, 2014 at 7:16 am

    One last thing, Brenda.

    I am being so hard on you because I was in an abusive relationship. I know the dynamics. I KNOW how hard it is to leave, and how seductive these handsome, charming, evil men are.

    I am still, frankly, afraid for my life; I remain married to my violent ex because when you divorce them is one of the single most dangerous moments in the relationship.

    This guy has no respect for you, and none for the law.

    He is controlling and manipulative and dangerous.

    There are battered women shelters that can help you. They are at secure, hidden places. You have to cut this guy off cold turkey. Take your kids and go to a battered women’s shelter if you cannot possibly find another way.

    If he gets away with raping you… it’s all worse from there on out.



  188.  #188Aurora on January 20, 2014 at 7:41 am

    Brenda
    (((((Brenda)))))

    Do you have a family doctor you can make an appointment with, or a local emergency department you can visit and share what happened and have them check you ….especially if you were bleeding…..

    this is sexual assault….is there a SA or women’s shelter near by? Even if you do not need to stay there, they will have staff to support you right now…..my guess is that you are in shock and your body needs medical attention to help you heal……

    dear Siren we are here for you….but we need you to reach out to the support around you

    you did nothing wrong…you said no….you were violated……

    can you reach for this help today?

    xo
    Aurora
    (I will post on the new thread to check this post too to make sure you see it )



  189.  #189Brenda on January 20, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Aurora yes I have a family doctor. I feel heavy like a big elephant or something.I know this post is not for the issue I have and I’m sorry if I upset Rori or anyone else on the blog.

    I really am trying to figure out how to get control over my life. I know what happened to me is ridiculous toxic drama.

    Well to do anything at this point drastic will cause drastic reactions out of him.So I don’t know about going to police.He text yesterday saying he wanted to bring me food I said no I was ok he said when he was done with his kids he would be over.He didn’t contact me anymore last night, I think once hes gone away this will be better for me and the way for me to get myself together. If he thinks I’m angry and don’t want to talk to him he’ll be at my door so I don’t want to make him angry.

    I really am sorry to have upset or repulsed anyone with my situation, I write when I’m confused and upset and I know I have to start back see my therapist, that no one on this site is here to hear my drama but I do appreciate all the comments and support because right now I don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable with telling what has happened.



  190.  #190Brenda on January 20, 2014 at 10:02 am

    186 Lisa I would like to know if u ever have time to share.



  191.  #191Aurora on January 20, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Brenda
    I think it was good that you posted it here…..
    Sirens will be honest with how they feel but what matters is your self care and health…..through their words they were saying that too….

    Can you access your doctor soon and take steps in that direction? Are you comfortable moving to the next threat so we can keep supporting you?

    Aurora
    xo



  192.  #192Aurora on January 20, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Brenda
    I think it was good that you posted it here…..
    Sirens will be honest with how they feel but what matters is your self care and health…..through their words they were saying that too….

    Can you access your doctor soon and take steps in that direction? Are you comfortable moving to the next thread so we can keep supporting you?

    Aurora
    xo



  193.  #193prplpsn28 on January 21, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Shannon and Tereana…I agree totally with what you are saying to Brenda about her situation. OMG! Brenda…stay away from this guy! Report him now!



  194.  #194Cupcake on January 21, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    Andrea #119-

    Wow. You are an inspiration.



  195.  #195Cupcake on January 21, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    Brenda- #189

    We ALL post here when we’re upset and not thinking clearly. And even posts where the writer is confused are helpful because it’s easier to see other people’s faulty logic and wishful thinking.

    In your case, any impatience or frustration you may sense in any message to you comes from deep concern that you are drowning and we can’t throw the lifesaver to you or swim out to rescue you. Your confusion and the paralysis that comes with that is apparent to us all. I felt glad to read you plan to reconnect with your therapist. Please take Rori’s advice, and do it asap. Every person here is pulling for you. You have to take the actions.

    For heavens sake though- don’t worry about offending or upsetting anyone through what you write. Just get help so we can see you’re swimming towards land, not out to sea.

    ((((Brenda))))



  196.  #196delphi on February 10, 2014 at 6:14 am

    a man reveled to me that he is scared of relationships. I know u have some material dealing with this question can u help me access this with a link.

    thanks
    sky



  197.  #197Rori Raye on February 10, 2014 at 9:59 am

    delphi – Welcome – and ALL my programs deal with this – AND, in my opinion, if a man starts out saying he’s not “sure” he even WANTS to be in a relationship – that’s a dealbreaker, and I wouldn’t even date him.OR – I’d just keep him in my Circular Dating rotation and not think about him at all unless I was with him. Love, Rori



  198.  #198Rori Raye on February 10, 2014 at 10:01 am

    All – Just wanted to make sure you tried the novels again – the link is fixed – it takes you to my CoachRori.com site http://www.coachrori.com/rori-raye-novels. Love, Rori



  199.  #199Kyla on February 10, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Thanks Rori!!!



  200.  #200delphi on February 11, 2014 at 1:54 am

    thanks Rory,
    He says he wants a relationship hes just scared of them. Have been doing as u said anyway but he is being rubber band man. Of course of all the guys im dating hes the one who im most attracted to. Him telling me that he was scared is a major revelation and i feel honoured that he was able to tell me. Will continue to take him with ‘a grain of salt’ then, and continue to fight off young guys that seem to be inexpicably attracted to me.
    sky