Are You Upset At Everything He Says And Does?

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angerHere’s a letter from Carol, who’s feeling horrible with her man – and my very “tough” answer:

Hi Rori,

I have a question. My man and I were out to dinner and he made the comment that one of his top 5 loves was women. I was hurt by this comment because it made me feel unimportant and like he wants to date many women. Than after I questioned him he tells me he meant it like he loves his mom and his sisters and than I was mad because he put me on the same level as his relatives.

Then he expresses how much he loves me in the middle of this loud venue and I felt like I couldn’t talk. So we get home and he says he doesn’t feel welcome so he leaves and goes home to his house. He always leaves and never wants to work it out. I feel abandoned and that he’s just not mature enough for me to spend the time with him.

I had looked through his emails and saw that he contacted a massage therapist in hopes of a happy ending when we weren’t talking. He also sent a pic of me to his friend of me in my lingerie. So I told him about it last night because I asked him about it and he lied and said that he had never done that. Without showing him the e-mail I don’t think I would have gotten the truth.

I’m so confused and need some guidance.

Thank you, Carol”

From Me:

Carol – here’s what I’m getting from your letter – and I’m going to be harsh and direct because of how you phrased things in the letter to me:

1. This man can’t do anything right.

Everything he does or says, you take as a personal affront, an offense, or in a negative light.

He’s constantly having to defend himself. You’re constantly upset by him – even over the smallest things, because you’re upset about big things and haven’t worked them through.

You’re driving him away.

2. I don’t think the massage or the lingerie is worth dumping a good man for...but that’s up to you, and your assessment of him as an essentially “good man” or not.

3. You’re going to either have to dump him because you don’t believe he can ever make you happy – or you have to start RADICALLY ACCEPTING HIM and STOP interpreting everything he does or says as pertaining to YOU in a negative way.

Join in the conversation – “Yeah, we women are AMAZING – I’m so glad you appreciate us!” is a much better answer than becoming upset….

By making everything about you – you make it impossible for him to be himself.

He’s walking on eggshells and developing anger (and doing stupid things)…

If my husband said to me one of his top 5 things was women – How I’d feel and respond might have a LOT to do with “context” – what made him say it, how he was behaving around me just before he said it, what he did after he said it, what feelings got triggered in me…all of that.

I could take it as a personal slam at me in some insidious, insensitive way – or I could take it as a glowing tribute to women and his appreciation of them.

I don’t know what I’d feel in that moment, or what I’d do, but I’d mightily consider choosing the more upbeat options.

And I see that you chose to take it as a personal affront.

Either this is because he’s a narcissistic, uncaring, stupid man who was being insensitive, cruel and jerky, or because he’s simply “clueless” and has a warped sense of humor and even less understanding of women, or because there’s some friction between you and it’s causing him to develop a lot of anger and resentment and stuff it down so that it comes out in weird ways like this that seem like a DELIBERATE attempt to hurt you – or because you are so all about you that you can’t see the big picture.

Please just consider all of this.

If the possibility exists that you take EVERYTHING personally, and he’s just cluelessly playing into that constantly, so that both of you can maintain this hurtful dynamic between you, please consider it.

If it’s even a fraction correct that much of this is about you being so “sensitized” to everything he does and says that everything automatically becomes all about you – then you can turn it around by turning around your perception and interpretation, and the “meaning” you give everything he says and does, everything that happens.

Please take this as NOT that YOU’RE doing anything WRONG, either – it just isn’t HELPFUL for you to see things this way, and it isn’t serving you.

It’s just undermining the relationship.

Better to see things more clearly and either stay or go.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 7:40 am

    “By making everything about you – you make it impossible for him to be himself.”

    I have done this, and I am learning not to.

  2.  #2Calypso on May 14, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Wow! That is a lot to think about! I am really trying to learn that the things a man says and does are about what is going on in his head (where I don’t need to be trying to get!) and are not a reflection on me or about me. It makes it easier for me to be interested in what he is saying and not triggered by it.

  3.  #3LoveAlways on May 14, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Wow, I just got out of a similar situation. I appreciate your response Rori.

  4.  #4April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 7:48 am

    “….much of this is about you being so “sensitized” to everything he does and says that everything automatically becomes all about you – then you can turn it around by turning around your perception and interpretation, and the “meaning” you give everything he says and does…”

    This was so me. Everything WM said and did was all about me (perhaps I was even subconsciously mirroring ‘his’ narcissism) and I would find a way to feel offended about EVERYTHING.

    The poor man couldn’t speak.

    I was so defensive.

    Thank goodness for finding Rori.

    I seem to have dropped so much of this behaviour, as a side-effect of practising the Tools.


  5.  #5April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 7:54 am

    I actually feel SURPRISED and GIGGLY to remember that I behaved so much like this!!!

    I created so much of my own torment!

    I don’t miss any of it!!!!

  6.  #6Nadia on May 14, 2012 at 8:03 am

    So now happy ending massages are acceptable behavior for men?

  7.  #7Calypso on May 14, 2012 at 8:06 am

    I joined POF this weekend and OMG there are a lot of active guys on that site in my area! The emails I am getting are overwhelming! I set the rules so that only local guys who are not married and who have not been flagged as asking for sex can contact me. I did have one really hot guy talking to me that I liked right away who then went into asking me for sex that i had to block, but the rest seem very nice and interesting so far. A good way to CD . . . I have a date for Saturday night already.

    Meanwhile, GM texted me, “Happy Mother’s Day!” yesterday morning. I said, “Thank you, (Name)! and left it at that for a few hours, then sent him a pic of me and my boys at lunch. He responded with, “Nice! Mom’s are a blessing from God!” and I responded with another pic of me and my mom at lunch and said, “Yep! I’ve got mine right here beside me and yours is loving you from above!” and he immeditaely replied, “Thank You! I needed that!” and I just sent him a smiley face and left him alone after that – It was the perfect interaction for me and now I’m back to leaning back . . . I love him madly, but I am completely done chasing him.

  8.  #8Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Good morning!

    I guess this is partially a request for suggestions for a feeling message and partially a rant.

    My next door neighbors are fantastic, a family of 5. The husband, who I’ll dub Handyman, mows my lawn at no charge. He has helped me several times. It’s a very good relationship.

    But he keeps saying he’ll do something, and then put it off. I know he’s tired, and he works a tuff construction job. He owes me NOTHING. But I just feel frustrated when someone says he is going to do something at a certain time and then doesn’t, over and over. These are mostly things he has offered to do for a small amount of pay, such as fixing my brakes.

    I asked him two days ago if he would help me move my heavy, floppy king size mattress from one room to another. He said yes he’d be home shortly. Noshow. I asked him again this morning, and he said he had to run out to drop off his wife at work, and he’d be back in ten minutes. That was about 1.5 hours ago.

    Up til now, I’ve said stuff like no problem, no pressure, you don’t owe me anything. But I am feeling on the verge of snapping at him.

    So how is this for a feeling message? Any tweaks?

    “Handyman, I very much appreciate the things you have done for me. I don’t want to put pressure on you, and if you would rather not do things from now on, please feel free to just say so.”

    (Let him respond).

    I don’t expect any help at all. But when you say yes, it would feel good if I could count on it. What do you think?

  9.  #9Sassy on May 14, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Go Calypso!!!
    I feel done also. I thought a lot of things thru yesterday and felt very used. I’m not going to contact JT anymore. He won’t make any effort to see or be with me, so I’m moving on.

  10.  #10April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 8:22 am

    “You’re constantly upset by him – even over the smallest things, because you’re upset about big things and haven’t worked them through.”

    Big things, yes. I’m upset about big things that don’t appear to have any solution.


  11.  #11Ruth-Aurora on May 14, 2012 at 8:28 am


    I need some help with regard to circular dating and online dating.

    I have been very hurt in past relationships, and I have some very bad experiences with the internet. I realize that I am actually afraid of giving guys my e-mail address, for fear of some unknown creepy factor. It is probably some kind of a post-traumatic reaction, and I don’t really see clearly here.

    This is too bad, because some of these guys I’d kind of like to know better, and the guys I meet seem to imediately want to chat or exchange some personal id, e-mail, etc. Me, to feel safe, I’d kind of like to write a bit in the more anonymous dating-website first.

    What do you ladies think? How soon do you give out your id/e-mail? Is it normal for guys to want to do this very early, or is this a sign of some “creepyness”?

  12.  #12April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 8:31 am


    I have noticed that if I ask WM to do something, he says yes but then it doesn’t happen.
    I hardly ask him to do things now. I feel like I’m in masculine energy when I ask. I find that he wants to please me so he says yes, but his resentment means that he doesn’t do the job or does it reluctantly.

    I can only suggest that you drop it. Drop all expectation of this man. He may ask you when he sees you if you still need the mattress moving. Then you can be feminine and say “oh yes, it feels so heavy and awkward”
    Then let him offer.
    But expecting him to do what you’ve asked is a form of control, and comes over as unattractive and masculine.

    What is more important to you? Being feminine, or getting your bed moved by any means?

  13.  #13Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 8:35 am

    “You’re going to either have to dump him because you don’t believe he can ever make you happy – or you have to start RADICALLY ACCEPTING HIM and STOP interpreting everything he does or says as pertaining to YOU in a negative way.

    Join in the conversation – “Yeah, we women are AMAZING – I’m so glad you appreciate us!” is a much better answer than becoming upset….

    By making everything about you – you make it impossible for him to be himself.

    He’s walking on eggshells and developing anger (and doing stupid things)…”

    Dump or accept……….don’t try to change him or manipulate him, either dump him or accept him……mmmmm

  14.  #14April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Hi Ruth-Aurora,

    How about writing something like
    “I don’t want to move too quickly. It would feel good and safe to chat some on here for a while before e-mailing/speaking/meeting each other. What do you think?”

    A good man will understand and respect your feelings.

  15.  #15Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 8:41 am

    #11 Ruth

    Hello. 🙂

    Why don’t you make up a new email account for your CD’s then it won’t impinge on your “real” email address, that’s what I have done in fact I have set up a whole Yahoo account including messenger so I can chat to men if they get their a*se into gear. 😀

  16.  #16Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 8:43 am


    I would wait for a girlfriend to come over and put the mattress upright on a sheet or some material that slides across the floor and you 2 can have a laugh as you try to negotiate the wobbly mattress to another room. 🙂

  17.  #17ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Previous thread: 704: blue rose:

    “#259: ReceivingGirl

    your vibe is protective of me, and that really means a lot. I want you to know that I appreciate it. Maybe that’s not what you mean to project, but that’s what I feel. thanks.

    “I feel just because you say you are not interested in having sex with him if he’s having sex with other people and talking about it at the beginning, doesn’t mean, “if you agree, I will have sex now.””

    that is funny, and so true. I wonder if I take a lot of blame on myself, and a lot of responsibility for the outcome on myself. That can’t be good. Like, if I spell this out clearly, and then he doesn’t follow through, then I can wash my hands of this. Which isn’t very “living in the moment”. It’s almost like overplanning.

    I haven’t seen him in about a week, he wants to see me this week, and we talked on the phone for about an hour a few nights ago. Where the hell was he this weekend? out banging other chicks I assume. and I luckily don’t like him enough to be devastated by it. How negative of me!

    he asked me what my fantasy was and I said “a monogamous relationship” that is the god honest truth!! he was like, “boring”.

    the whole thing makes me feel silly. I feel like I’ve been accepting men who are not exclusive to me. I realize that this has stretched back kind of far. I really want to change that.”

    Blue Rose – You are welcome. May I ask, why are you still entertaining meeting up with him when he thinks what you want is boring?

    Btw, it’s not boring. I want exactly the same thing. Just because you are not bootying around town, doesn’t mean it is destined to be boring.

  18.  #18Ruth-Aurora on May 14, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Thank you, Silver Moonbeam and April Rose 🙂

    it feels good to get some reality check here – and these are actuallygood advices –

    I have actually written feeling statements like you suggest in the past, AR, and usually the men seem to loose interest by it – maybe they arenotthe right ones …

    creating a new e-mail adress is a very good idea too – i will consider doing this.

    this is a really nice discussion forum!

  19.  #19Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Moonbeam and April Rose,

    Thank you very much! Both superb suggestions!

    I will say in one of Rori’s programs, I think in Commitment Blueprint, she talks about asking for help in a confident manner like a queen. So I don’t think it’s masculine energy.

    But in my case, this is not my man…this is simply my neighbor. Just as a whole, I feel frustrated when people don’t just say what they mean! It would feel so much better if he would say, “No, I’m sorry, I have too many responsibilities already between my family and my job.” And I would be fine with that! But when someone says yes, it DOES set up an expectation.

    In this case, I am going to move the mattress, because I have furniture out on the deck that is about to be rained on, and I have been waiting to get the mattress moved first. At least I swept and mopped, so it will be slid across a dry floor. I rarely have a girlfriend to ask for help.

    And I will take this moment to say how very deeply I appreciated it when Lucy came out to help me move last May and again last November, that time bringing her son and her ex to help. It made all the difference. And she came from 1.5 hours away to help! What a gem! Thanks again Lucy!

  20.  #20April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 9:22 am

    I am learning and looking for ways to ask for help from WM in particular (EM would do anything for me – ooh I feel fluttery in my heart writing that)

    I need a phrase that lets him take charge of the operation.
    Rather than “Could you help me move the mattress”.

    I could say
    “Can you help me? I’ve got this huge bed to move and I feel silly and helpless doing it on my own….”

    I need to get creative in asking for help

  21.  #21Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 9:28 am

    April Rose,

    I just moved it. It probably only took me 5 minutes, but I am in a full, hot sweat. It felt just about impossible.

    My original FM to him to ask was this:

    “I don’t like to bother you, but I am moving my mattress back from the living room to the bedroom. It is so heavy and floppy. It would help so much if you could help me when you get a moment…will you please?”

  22.  #22siren song on May 14, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Oh, I feel totally weird about the fact this man sent a private photo of his ex to his friend. That feels awful to think about.

  23.  #23Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I just had a very positive phone job interview!!! And I am especially excited, because I just found out the job is only an hour away, not 1.5 hours away! It is a one to two year assignment, and I would have let them pay for me to stay at temporary housing 5 days a week. It would have been a great inconvenience, and I would have had to found arrangements for pet care.

    But a one hour commute is very doable! I have done that many times! And it would be a pretty drive over country roads! The supervisor who interviewed me sounded like the kind i get along well with! He asked excellent questions, and i felt really good about my answers!

    I asked when he’s looking to start someone: Yesterday!

    He asked when I’d be able to start: Yesterday!

    I’ve done a lot of job hunting and interviewing. And let me put it like this: I would be very surprised if I did NOT get the job!

    I think it’s in the bag!!

    The man at the employment agency said they’ve been doing a lot of hiring there, and they have a fast turnaround after the interview, usually about two days! Wow, that would feel fantastic if I was working within the next week!

  24.  #24April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I feel giggly at you being in a hot sweat!!
    Well done, though.

    And well done for asking for help too.
    Your request does need tweaking somehow, though. It’s missing something. Ah yes, now I see. It is missing feeling statements about how you feel –

    *helpless at the task, or
    *how you would feel so grateful for the help.

  25.  #25ulii on May 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

    RE 23 Radlove!

    It’s great news to hear that!! Hope you’ll get the job!

  26.  #26April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

    or both

  27.  #27ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Previous thread: 713: Love ActuallyNo Gravatar says:

    “640: ReceivingGirl

    I feel so understood by your response and I really appreciate the gentle way you said it all. I am feeling so tender right now that gentle feels really like the best kind of hug.

    I feel that he is giving a gift in some ways too and so does he. When my crazy voices aren’t mistrusting him I believe that..which then just makes me feel all the more love towards him.

    “I know they say men need to have their sh$t together before they can have a relationship. When I hear that, it feels icky to me. Let’s say that is absolutely true. How long is it going to be before he feels he has his sh$t together? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Never?”

    I feel pulled by this belief too and it causes me to feel compassionate towards him and yet I also feel angry towards him that he can’t find a way to hold it all and communicate with me what he needs while holding what I need even if he can’t offer it up in the moment. I can live with the ups and downs of life for sure. In my marriage we had times where one or both of us was super busy or away and couldn’t be physically available to the other, but I trusted my connection with him is the difference.

    I felt his coming towards me so strongly for about 3 weeks in this past little bit and it felt so good – he really did hear me and meet me where I needed him too, and I was starting to rest into it a bit and manage my crazy voices in my head and my triggers more coherently and then something happened that triggered me brutally and I ended up searching through his pockets – didn’t find anything incriminating and ended up telling him and things just unravelled from there.

    I don’t want to be like this in a relationship and realize I have to own this and now feel alot of shame and blame at myself – my crazy voices are telling me that I destroyed it just when it might have been getting going. uggg.

    The bottom line right now is as you say “He cannot give you what you are wanting with a relationship”. He has completely pulled back from seeing me. He says ‘we’ll probably still talk every day’. He says he still wants to be able to camping and give that joy to me ‘even if we are sleeping in separate tents’ and asks why I can’t just let things in the relationship unfold naturally. And then the bigger trip that is on the table pulls at me. I hear what you are saying to just leave it alone – will he just keep pulled back and wanting a friends or friends with benefits situation – i am so unsure and so blaming myself and feeling like ‘oh, should i just try again to lean back and see what happens’ I really do see how CDing would help keep me sane if I do decide to lean back with him. Today I feel a little bit excited about trying this and still a little scared.

    He says he feels like I don’t support and value him (is that feminine energy?).”

    Love Actually

    I understand where you are coming from. I can relate to your contradictory feelings. Something you said triggered me and I’ll explain why.

    “asks why I can’t just let things in the relationship unfold naturally.” I’ve had this said to me too.

    I started writing the whole story, but decided it’s too much. I will try a short version, but I’m not good at short versions.

    MilitaryGuy and I started dating and it was all his initiation. Our first date was cancelled 4 times (by him) before we went on it. First time, he was sick. Second time, he was in a meeting late and said he was tired. Third time, he had car troubles. The fourth time, his friend passed away and he was in a car accident on the way home from the wake. I picked him up from the car accident cause his car was undriveable.

    After the third cancellation, I asked him, “should I be wondering if you really want to go on a date?” He replied, “Yes, I do and please do not think otherwise.” We finally went out, but I think he wasn’t all that into it. We talked, but it was hard cause he lost a lot of his hearing in one ear from military and I don’t have that loud of a voice, so he kept asking me to repeat myself. He came over, we watched a movie, he held my hand and then went home cause he was tired. He did kiss me goodnight and talked about getting together the next day. It was not the greatest first date.

    I feel I should mention, we had already gotten somewhat physical prior to our first date. Long part of the story and I have never done that before. We didn’t have sex, but an attempt was made, but he was too drunk. There was definitely chemistry, so this first date was a little bit of a let down. However, I wasn’t going to worry about it cause I knew he had a lot going on.

    He was really stressed. His mom was living with him for over a year and he was trying to find a house for her to buy. His son’s mom was a huge thorn in his side. His son was having problems at school. He was having car trouble with both his vehicles. Then, his friend passing away. The car accident (was his mom’s car) so now he had no vehicle to drive. He borrowed his friends truck, but asked me to drive on our date (he came to me though) because the truck was a mess. He was also having trouble at work.

    I was trying my best to be understanding and patient with him because of all of this. He seemed very straightforward and open with me. One day he was working on his car and told me if all goes well, we could hang out later that night and he would text me when he had a better idea. Well, that text never came. At 8pm, I text saying I was hungry and going to eat since I hadn’t heard from him. He didn’t respond. At 11:30pm, I was going to bed and I was really upset he hadn’t contacted me. I sent him a text saying, “A little common courtesy would be nice. I have been really patient with all that is going on with you. It would take less than a minute to say tonight isn’t going to work.”

    This is where it all unraveled. He never responded. I was being ignored and I HATE being ignored. I texted a couple more times, I forget what I said, and then he responded that he had too much going on and maybe once things settled down we could try again. He also said he prefers to let things unfold naturally and he’s feeling pressured by me. This ticked me off because I had applied no pressure whatsoever until I called him out on leaving me hang.

    Not long after that, he text me, mentioned having a rough time at work and not sure how much longer he would have a job and asked if he could come over. It was late, but I felt he needed to talk, so I agreed. We ended up having sex that night. Then, he left on vacation, broke his ankle skiing and when he got home, we were no longer speaking. We went back and forth a few times and then he just shut down saying he had no desire to have a relationship with anyone right now. He said we were friends, but he never acted like a friend, more like he was avoiding me.

    Funny thing is a month or so later, he was in a relationship with this woman, whom he is still dating now. Maybe the timing was just off by that short amount of time. Maybe he didn’t like me as much as I thought he did. Maybe he met her and decided he liked her better. IDK. There is a bunch more to this story that I left out. We dated from Feb- mid April, but only went on one real date.

    I feel he was the obstacle in allowing things to happen naturally since you need to put in the time for that to happen and he felt I was pressuring him. 1 date in 2.5 months and I’m pressuring. This is so triggering to me.

    My point for this story is I feel that statement is given as an excuse to get out and blame you for ruining it. I feel it’s always going to be what he will hang over your head whenever there is something which doesn’t feel right to you. It’s his out to make you feel like you are the problem and shouldn’t be feeling the way you are feeling.


  28.  #28ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I think we can all relate to this article. It feels different to read it and think about how I relate though. Sometimes you don’t realize it.

    @7 Calypso

    I decided to join POF again last night. I feel I should do this to get over my icky feelings about it. I haven’t responded to anyone’s messages yet. I feel happy to hear it is going well for you!

  29.  #29Lady in waiting on May 14, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I just felt like screaming.
    Luv ya Ms. Rori.
    Have’nt visited in a while. Been out surfing.
    As always, timeliness of your posts is simply incredible.
    #13 Silver Moonbeam-
    you said it.
    That’s what I am struggling with this morning. In the past 5 months-stopped dating.
    What happened?
    You guessed it, THEY ALL CAME RUNNING.
    Practice , practice practice. Lean back, breathe, laugh.
    I even told them I wasn’t dating, wasn’t looking. That did not stop any.
    The one from last fall that turned me inside out-that I sent a fabulously beautiful, confident, only feeling messages about me , what I want and what do you think? Called 2 months after I sent the letter. Totally let him go.
    He completely apologised. On his own made significant emotional/lifestyle changes for his own happiness.
    I like, oh let’s face it, am falling in love with this honest, open, obnoxious truck driver.
    We are not dating. He has the constant habit of stating openly he is not dating anyone. Then he calls and we have open, honest, conversations about life. Yes, he has asked several times in the last few months to see me. But it’s not a date. There are no illusions from me to him or vice versa. And no, I have not been to see him once.
    I feel angry and scared the last few weeks when it hit me driving down the road-that I am falling for him.
    Because he is accepting of himself now, I know him for who he is and I like that honesty.
    Yes, it’s a freeing and lovely place to not want/need/beg someone to be different for you.
    Yes, it’s a freeing and lovely place to have thinking/speaking skills to navigate communication with your needs accountable to you-without controlling the outcome.
    One part of me is so happy he is in a better place. He did not do this for me or anyone. Just himself. Never saw it coming.
    I just want to run away. I like him more than I knew.
    Time to sink to me knees and go thru the I feel. I am scared to say how I feel to him.
    I am shocked I feel this way. Dated several since him, he has plenty of female company. Yet he makes it public knowledge he is not dating or involved.
    I don’t want to be friends with him like this.
    I do want someone who is ready for the relaitionship process.
    I am angry I have not found a guy who does not lie, a guy who does not really provide the family life, a guy who actually shows up after the 3rd date, a guy who shows up instead of texting.
    Accept what?
    Sorry Rori, it almost comes across that I am supposed to accept there isn’t anyone with standards like mine-so suck it up. Or, I am supposed to be perfectly womanly wiley enough to manipulate any guy to be what I want.
    I don’t want that.
    If I show up with my honesty, awareness of my weakness, willing to work at it-where is that guy who already has that in play?

  30.  #30ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 10:27 am

    So, I joined POF last night and Mr. Observant is on there. I feel nervous. I’ve never seen anyone I know on these sites before, let alone a man who was flirting with me and who I feel tons of chemistry with.

    His profile is short and sweet, but I learned some details. He said he is currently separated was married for 14 years and has 3 great kids. I was guessing married for 12 years and 2 kids. His pics do not do him justice, don’t really look like him and make him look really skinny. He has lost some weight, but these look like he lost tons of weight. Anyways, he also says he doesn’t want kids (I guess 3 is enough!), we have some similar interests and he said he likes to surprise the girl he is with. He mentioned fun a lot through his profile and it says he interested in dating and looking for a relationship.

    I’ve received about 12 messages since last night. Things like,

    “Hi, how are you?”

    “you have awesome eyes”

    “Hi there beautiful”

    “hi would you like to talk?”

    “Hi I really liked your profile and very pretty pictures too.”

    just plain, “hi”.

    This was the longest and from a shy guy, go figure…lol. “hi, my name is ___. i’m a bit shy so this is always the hardest part of trying to contact someone. loved reading your profile, you seem pretty direct and honest a very nice thing now a days. plus you your pics are great ( your smile is great ! ), have a good day……..:)”

    3 men added me as favorites, but didn’t contact me.

    7 men said they want to meet me.

    Now, I guess I need to actually respond to someone.

  31.  #31Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

    I just moved an air conditioner from the shed to the living room, and I am in a hot sweat again. And it doesn’t work. Ugh. It must have gotten broken in moving it.

    I feel discouraged that I have to go do it all over again, and bring another air conditioner in. But I am thankful that I have three. The other two were left by my wonderful landlords!

    So instead of focusing on my discouragement, along with the fact that I don’t have a man of my own to help me, I choose to focus on how resourceful and self-sufficient and strong I am. And the excitement that I might have a job! It’s a technical writing job at a pharmaceutical company.

  32.  #32Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 10:38 am

    I double checked and the AC has a reset button on the plug! Yessss! It works!

  33.  #33Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Hi, ReceivingGirl! Thanks for understanding about my dad on the last thread. I haven’t talked to my dad in a while, and I feel afraid to because of our last conversations. I know that he loves me and I often feel like a “daddy’s little girl,” but sometimes he scares me…and also I just find that I don’t fully trust men. I’m not sure I know how…

  34.  #34ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Radlove, I agree with April Rose @12. I would also drop it. If he wants to help, he will show up.

  35.  #35Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Teehee! I picked up two new CDs when I went out dancing this weekend. And MM sent me a text last night, saying that he wants to get together. And I set up a date with another CD. There was a guy I hung out with on Friday, who I know likes me a lot, and he is a friend. So I feel awkward. Because I want us to stay friends. And I don’t want to lead him on. But I also know that he is kind of on the “Marriage track” – as in, that’s what he wants – and I don’t want to totally blow off the interaction. I like the way that he appreciates me. What if he’s actually the perfect guy for me??? So I haven’t said anything yet. Just, when he went to kiss me on Friday, I wasn’t feeling really into it, and I kept giggling. I don’t know why. He makes lots of mouth noises when he kisses and I find it distracting…lol

  36.  #36ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Yay Radlove about the potential job. My fingers are crossed that you get it!

  37.  #37ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Hi Tiffany, You’re welcome. I know it can be hard when interactions are like that to feel comfortable. I was “daddy’s little girl” too.

  38.  #38ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 11:15 am

    I have this problem. I’ve been eating healthy since last Oct. and mostly cut out sugar from my diet. Since then, when I eat poorly at a party, usually more food than normal and sweets, I end up waking in the middle of the night, sick to my stomach. It’s probably a result of too much food and too much of what my body isn’t used it. I know, easy solution, do not eat like that anymore. I would like to still be able to enjoy yummy bad for me party foods on occasion. I don’t like when this happens. This is the third time since Oct. and each time I’ve needed to call off work cause I need to be close to the bathroom and sleep it off.

  39.  #39Sarah on May 14, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Why does everything go wrong when I ‘like’ somebody. I start acting like a nutter and feeling all self conscious. I know subconsciously I am pushing him away with how I am acting.

    I am making everything about him. I am extremely focused on him, and I read everything into what he says and does. It is a nightmare.

    We did originally get on. Mow I think he is possibly borderingbon hating me. This happens all the time with me. It is so soul destroying. The only way I can deal with it is to go out with someone who does’t have any emotional hold over me. Someone who likes me amd understands me. Someone I can feel myself with. Why is it I can never get anyone I fancy? It is so frustrating… I feel so frustrated. Why can’t I like someone who I at least stand a chance with. People think I do it deliberately but I know I absolutely do not…

  40.  #40Jessie1000 on May 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I feel good. summer time is here in my neck of the woods…summer shorts and flip flops!
    Naked men with tank tops! LOl

  41.  #41Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

    April Rose,

    Good tweaks on my original FM to Handyman!

    He just came to the door, and I told him I got it moved. He apologized, and he was really nice about it. I said I don’t want to put any pressure on him, and he owes me nothing at all. He interrupted, saying, “No, no, no, it’s not like that. I don’t mind helping you out! I’ve just been so busy!”

    I said well if you feel overwhelmed next time with your family and job responsibilities, please feel free to just say no. He said, no, I don’t mind helping you at all. I was just so tired the other day when you asked, and just now I forgot I had to run a bunch of errands. I’m really sorry.

    He said his mower isn’t working, and if I can find a used mower we can go halves on it and he’ll continue mowing my lawn. I feel much better, and he is a total sweetie!

    He said his wife made $500 yesterday waitressing! It is now in full swing because this is somewhat of a tourist area, being by the bay! I wish I was in better shape to do waitressing. I used to waitress but I don’t think I could handle it physically right now.

  42.  #42Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Speaking of marriage….Here’s a story for you…

    On Saturday night, I saw RoBoat again. I had been wondering – would I see him if I went out to the club again? Because, if you read my post last month, he was there, and he asked me to go home with him. I decided not to, a) because I was tired and had to work in the morning, and b) I felt awkward because he had other friends with him. I didn’t want to be “that girl” in the car – like the one that they all know he is going to “hook up” with. Ew. If it had been just us – maybe I would have…

    When I left, he let me go and didn’t make a big deal out of it, but I remember having this feeling like there was something missing, and I wished I had just taken a minute to have a private conversation with him. like there was a connection that was supposed to happen or some information that he was going to tell me.

    Anyway, so, sure enough, this time, I turn around, and he’s standing almost right behind me with a beer in his hand. I was happy, and I said hi, but he was very dismissive. He said he couldn’t talk because his “girlfriend” was right there – and he pointed to some girl. He said he would “talk to me later.” So I rolled my eyes and turned around. He was being a jerk. And then he and his friends moved to a different part of the room.

    But I had an instinct to go and find him and get what the story was. I just wanted to know what was happening.

    Well, I found him, and I tapped him on the shoulder, but he wouldn’t talk to me. Then his friend stepped in and played bouncer. Except his friend kept using the word “Wife.” He said, why would you want to talk to him (RoBoat) when his wife is right there? So I was like, “Excuse me, did you just say ‘wife’?” And his friend said yes, he was now married. (Oh, but his friend was single – as if I’d want to. gross.) So again, I just walked away from that.

    But I felt like ill. I felt absolutely disgusting. I wanted to get out of there and go home. I wanted to lean against the wall and just cry. All my happy energy was draining out of me. and I went into the bathroom to talk off the tiara I was wearing for my birthday – I just didn’t feel that sparkly anymore…

    Coming out of the bathroom, I saw RoBoat, coming toward me, but without his bouncer friend. So I confronted him. I asked if he was married now, and he said yes (she was a blond chick. whatever.) And I said, “You tried to take me home last month, what about then?” He said he was engaged at the time.


    I couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked.

    I had a lot of rage, and I didn’t know what to do with it. So I punched him in the shoulder pretty hard, and I don’t know what I said. I started to walk off, and then I realized that I had a half a glass of water in my hand, with some ice in it (I was not drunk at this time – I’d only been drinking water!) so I turned around, and I threw/dumped the rest of my water on him, then thew the cup at them (his “wife” was there) and just called him an asshole, and walked off.

    I don’t know. Seemed pretty bold of me. I feel shaky just thinking about it. But it felt like a natural response. Ha! I’ve always wanted to be like one of those girls you see in a movie who isn’t afraid to dump her drink on a guy if she doesn’t like what he’s done to her. And that’s exactly what I did! omg. it’s hard for me to believe. I could be looking for some type of excuse or validation, but I’m not. I feel so pissed at him. I feel so many feelings.

    Mostly, I cannot believe that a guy like that – who is controlling and unpleasant – is MARRIED, and I – nice girl, who is soft and caring, and generally pleasant to be around is NOT. ugh. It feels very unfair.

    I do know that I am not with him because I am smart enough not to be with a “guy like that.” I feel offended that he tried to sleep with me less than a month (!) before his wedding – TO SOMEONE ELSE. Ugh. icky icky icky icky ick. He reminds me of the “bad guy” that Drew Barrymore in engaged to in The Wedding Singer, before the musician dude shows up and sweeps her away…

    Similarly, I could EASILY have put up with certain things in order to be with him. I can’t deny it – part of me really liked him! Part of me felt bonded and attached to him. And that is part of why this feels SO BAD. Of course, he’s a guy. He can do what he wants. He can be a jerk if he wants. I don’t have to let it get to me.

    After that whole episode, I proceeded to get very drunk, and then dance with some great guys, and I had offers to drive me home coming at me from everywhere. It was a great night.

    For his part, I noticed that he didn’t leave right away, but he was gone before I left the place.

    I still feel a little sick to my stomach if I think about him, or his jerky friends. Maybe it makes me feel sick to think that I would actually ever become involved with a situation like that. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. I feel as if I adequately “expressed myself,” So it doesn’t really bother me anymore. ; )

    PLUS, I realize and notice that I have a LOT better quality guys who are interested in me now – not jerky bad-boys who are all about themselves and don’t care who they hurt.

    Good, good, best, better – RIDDANCE.

    Another one bites the dust, and it’s a good thing. Although, I really hope I don’t run into him at the club again, because if I do, then I will likely feel an incredible urge to just plant my high-heeled foot in his groin…even if that’s not necessarily the classiest thing to do….lol

  43.  #43ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Radlove – I’m glad he stopped by and everything is good!

  44.  #44Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

    #781 last thread – Yes, Tiffany 🙂 – I am joy and pleasure, and extreme delight!!!!!

    I need to put this on my mirror – because I forget – sometimes – who I am.

    This is the thing if a man sees who I am, really, really gets me. His delight and prosperity increases ten fold!

    I have to feel it first and not be pulled off my beautiful horse. Some men are zappers and suckers. However, if I’m being a goddess warrior I just walk away and jump on my horse and ride off into the sunset and disappear into the graceful tropical palms.

    I feel graceful in the rain today. I feel delightful in my day.

  45.  #45Daria on May 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Nadia – for me, yes. Wat a man does sexually when he’s not exclusively committed to me is his own business.

  46.  #46Sassy on May 14, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Anybody heard from lk, slv, turquoise, butterfly wings? Who else are we missing?

  47.  #47siren song on May 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

    oh my goodness, i feel so free not worrying about guy who loves me anymore…

    he saw me today and followed me to talk to me. i told me i looked good, asked me about some new clothes i had on (i bought them after we stopped seeing each other all the time). he asked what i’d been up to, who’d i’d been hanging around with since he saw me on saturday.

    he used to be sweet and curious like that when we started up…he hasn’t been like this in a long time.

    it feels weird to not have plans with him, to walk away without him asking me out…but…i feel pretty free now.

    i used to be sooooo into going home with him.

  48.  #48siren song on May 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

    he told me i looked good, not ‘i told me’.

    but yeah, i looked good. 🙂

  49.  #49siren song on May 14, 2012 at 11:59 am


    i love what you said about the horse!!

  50.  #50Daria on May 14, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Euterpe – I felt so good reading that you were inspired by me on the other thread… Thanks 🙂

  51.  #51Healing Waterfall on May 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    CDing question:

    I have been pretty busy starting up my new part time job, finishing grades for the semester and fundraising for the trip to the tournament for my son….but I had a few CD’s contacting me, and they both poofed. I said I would find time to meet and have coffee, but they both said they would like to wait until I was not so busy?
    So does this mean they don’t want me to have a life?
    I thought it was a good thing to have things that a girl is passionate about….oh well….when I have the relationship angel look at the two CD’s, she puts a big X on the screen….

  52.  #52Daria on May 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    I love you even though you feel scared. It’s quite endearing and funny and cute actually. I’m sorry you feel do unconfortable. You’re gonna be so ok . You Are ok.

    What do you want today?

    I want my room to magically be refreshed and beautified.

    I want it to be effortless.

    I want to feel fun connecting with people and nature.

    I want my nails to be magically And effortlessly trimmed.

    I want to feel peaceful and connected.

  53.  #53ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Wow…I just got a message on POF which is 3 paragraphs long! What is it with guys being attracted to girls who wear glasses?

  54.  #54ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    Awww…this poor guy is in a wheelchair, but he seems very upbeat about it. I wonder what happened.

  55.  #55Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Thanks Siren Song and Daria –

    I feel so inspired to be on this blog where there is so much feminine energy. And we get to practice here so we can be the beautiful, inspiring sirens out there in such a masculine world, a world that is craving us in all our feminine glory!

    Entrance To the River by Pablo Naruda

    Beloved of the rivers,beset
    By azure water and transparent drops,
    Like a tree of veins your spectre
    Of dark goddess biting apples:
    And then awakening naked
    To be tattoed by the rivers,
    And in the wet heights your head
    Filled the world with new dew.

    Water rose to your waist,
    You are made of wellsprings
    And lakes shone on your forehead.
    From your sources of density you drew
    Water like vital tears
    And hauled the riverbeds to the sand
    Across the planetary night,
    Crossing rough, dilated stone,
    Breaking down on the way
    All the salt of geology,
    Cutting through forests of compact walls
    Dislodging the muscles of quartz.

    Oh, the power, beneath the softness doth lie!

  56.  #56Calypso on May 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    I just got an email from a guy on POF telling me that he is no longer interested in me because I told him that i went out dancing with my girlfriends on saturday night! he said he is not interested in someone who has not sewn all of her wild oats and wants to spend all night in a bar! Well then – just don’t email me any more – I would never have noticed, but now i’m aggrivated for being judged by someone who has no CLUE what he is talking about! Grrrr….. I just deleted his email and am trying to forget about it – I don’t give a flip about him, I just don’t like being judged and it makes me want to give him a piece of my mond, but I’m dumping those feelings here instead – thanks for listening, Sirens!

  57.  #57Daria on May 14, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Healing waterfall – what did this situation with the CDs show up to heal?

  58.  #58Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Calypso I just laugh at these guys, ha ha ha, plenty more where you came from Mister. 😀

  59.  #59Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Calypso – I would tie a one word message to an arrow that said “ok” and shoot it in his direction as you rode by on your horse, to the oat trough.

  60.  #60Zara on May 14, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Happy Mother’s Day 🙂

  61.  #61Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    OK how to answer PoshCD??

    “Morning I woke with the most gorgeous sensual dreams…….
    I was enveloped in the sheerest softest silk, with long lingering kisses……. did you visit me in my sleep…..?? ”

    Sounds too girlie for me……..

  62.  #62LoveAlways on May 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Spamming the blog so I don’t lean forward with any man. I feel pursued in a way. A lot of activity by some CDs and it feels a little overwhelming. So I’m leaning back for the next few hours. It’s not easy today. I feel needy

  63.  #63LoveAlways on May 14, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Skip the last sentence and insert a feeling message. Its very sensual

  64.  #64Nadia on May 14, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Daria, thanks for the response. Personally, guys who visit prostitutes are on my Will Not Date list. It’s interesting what low expectations we can have of men, all because they have penises. But it was helpful to hear what you thought.

  65.  #65ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Calypso – he doesn’t sound like much fun with that kind of email. Who doesn’t spend time with their friends? And because it’s in a bar doesn’t mean you are out sowing your wild oats! LOL

    I question the men who put me as their Favorite because my criteria won’t allow them to message me – they are either doing drugs or want only sex. This one guy (who wants NSA & favorited me) was gifted a voodoo doll by a girl who had plenty of not nice things to say, which he posted to his profile. Plus, he has his own youtube video which I didn’t watch. You almost wonder if they do this stuff for pure entertainment.

  66.  #66Zara on May 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm

  67.  #67Calypso on May 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Thanks Sirens! He is obviously not worth my time or attention. I would not thrive in a relationship with a man like him – NEXT!

    I do think some POF guys are just sitting around playing head games with us. I’ve accepted a date with a guy I’m starting to have doubts about. he is either going to need to engage me in a real conversation or forget about taking me to dinner on saturday – I’m just starting to get that “feeling”

    Speaking of that feeling – JP is pouting because he had to cancel his plans to come see me Memorial weekend and I won’t agree to fly to see him. We are barely texting now. I’m being polite when he contacts me, but that’s it.

    Plenty of Fish . . . lol. Some of them just stink!

  68.  #68ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I had some left over potato salad from yesterday and now my tummy is acting up again. Maybe potato salad was part of my problem. I don’t feel ill, so it must just be the food isn’t agreeing with me. Maybe I should have a smoothie. I was going to get my bloodwork and urinalysis done today, but I don’t think today is a good idea. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

  69.  #69ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    I feel very anxious for Saturday to get here. I’m really looking forward to seeing Mr. Observant and I’m feeling curious as to how the evening will play out. I’m trying to leave expectations out of it and just be surprised by whatever happens. I feel I’m wishing the week away, but I’m really excited! I still have tons to do to prepare.

    I’m also getting my hair cut tomorrow. I hope that makes me feel better. My skin is in really bad shape and I feel like I’m losing a bunch of hair and need to buy Rogaine!! I think it must just be a disease flare, but this is a new one for me. I’m not sure if I’d rather physical pain instead of it affecting my appearance. I feel self-conscious even though I’m pretty sure no one else can notice.

  70.  #70Layla on May 14, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    #7 Calypso and Receiving Girl – I joined Plenty of Fish for a short while last fall. I got a lot of response and that was a boost to my self esteem. Then when contact was made, I learned that a lot of guys are flakey(what else is new). I took my profile down right before the holidays. Interestingly enough, I still CD one of the guys I met but he is kinda flakey too. But its still fun to get tons of responses. I hope you both have better luck than I did (although I may try it again when I’m ready to CD again.

  71.  #71ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Maybe I am just too judgmental.

    On POF, this guy messaged me he thinks I’m a cutie, how about drinks Sat. night. He’s been told he’s a great kisser and tastes and smells yummilicious (really?! lol). He asked if he should pick me up on his Harley. (Umm, I don’t know you, I’m not going on your motorcycle when I have no clue how you even drive). He did ask what I like to do for fun.

    When I get “Hi beautiful!” messages I feel turned off. I feel so resistant to this online dating. I think, don’t call me that, you don’t know me! LOL, why can’t I just accept the compliment?

  72.  #72lk on May 14, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    omg zara i’m dying that’s too funny : )))

  73.  #73ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    @69 Thanks, Layla! Maybe the one’s that just say “hi” are the good one’s, but I wish they would say more.

  74.  #74Daria on May 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    lol@ zara’s link too hehe

  75.  #75Layla on May 14, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Tell me what you think… Have I been “OutGirl’d? CDing a guy for about 8 weeks. He’s nice, seems into me, pays for everything, affectionate, etc. We have recently been intimate(I know, kinda of soon and I know I took an emotional risk), however, we have still been in contact and on one date after we were intimate.
    Sunday we went out and then I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. I started feeling weird- because we had been intimate a week prior. On Weds, I leaned forward and sent a “hello” text. He responded “hello”. I asked “Did you forget about me” He responded “no but it seems like you get really busy and forget about me.” I texted “sounds like we could both use a little TLC”. He said that would be nice. I asked him to call me when he got a chance and he said ok.

    I know I broke the rules but Rori says to experiment and I did. I felt I could get away with leaning forward. So he calls me and tells me that he needs to hear from me more and that he doesn’t know why he has to call first all the time. I told him that I’m a bit old fashioned, etc. Then he said, “oh so you want to be pursued?” So we had that discussion. Then he tells me how he is careful of pursuing because he’s been “scarred” before. However, we got off the phone with him telling me that he liked me and that he felt everything was ok between us.
    We’ve talked since then and we are making plans to see each other. He’s a teacher and has summer off and he keeps talking about spending lots of time with me over the summer.
    I’m still attracted to him I guess but I can’t help but feel like he FM’d me. Guess it’s my fault for acting like a boy, he had no choice but to act like a girl, right?
    Ok, gonna keep practicing leaning back.

  76.  #76Queenbee on May 14, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Just catching up on posts….in

    HAman finally told me what it is. He says he also wants to be pursued 🙁 And he is totally serious. No wonder our relationship has stalled for a year now.

    Anyhow, I get it. There no way I’ll start LF and OF and picking up man-pleasing behaviors. Ick! Yuck! I feel so angry! Such a manly man can also be such a fool. I feel judgemental and sad 🙁 l’ll be okay…

    I feel disappointed. Anyway, I am an amazing woman and deserve to be pursued. His loss if he doesn’t get that. I am the yummy pie and I AM THE PRIZE, not him. It feels bad when a man just doesn’t get that.

    Love to me (((((Queenbee))))! I feel sad, but I’ll be ok.

  77.  #77Layla on May 14, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    #70 Receiving Girl- I suggest sticking to coffee dates or other quick one hour dates. Maybe lunch. Dinner might be too much.
    Yeah, I think some of those guys are playing headgames. A lot say hi and that’s it because they want you to pursue them.
    Yeah, online dating is not for the faint of heart. I found myself getting my hopes up and getting excited, only to be let down. I think you have to go into it with a sense of humor and absolutely NO expectations.

    Online dating made me question whether or not I was even ready to date. I was attracting so many weirdos and flakes I thought something was wrong with me. But now I see other women have the same experience, so maybe its not me!

  78.  #78Daria on May 14, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    omg men are so smart and funny (((((MEN)))))

  79.  #79ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    @Zara OMG, I cried I laughed so hard at that!

  80.  #80Layla on May 14, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    #75 – I get that a lot from men. They want to be pursued. There is a lot of feminine energy out there among men these days…at least that’s my perception. And there are so many women out there who lean forward…guys are so used to it. So when you lean back, they take it as you don’t care. I wish Rori would write a post about it. I find this true of younger men. I think many have been so pushed to get in touch with their “feminine side” that as a result, they are acting like girls in the dating relationship. Yet, I don’t think they are really happy leaning back. They just think its expected of them. Just like we are not really happy leaning forward.
    Just a thought!

  81.  #81ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 3:24 pm


  82.  #82Zara on May 14, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    60: Silver Moonbeam says:
    ***OK how to answer PoshCD??***

    I feel curious what part of his message feels posh?
    I read it as the typical sexual approach from a man who does not bother to date a woman before he takes her on the sexual chat.
    In short, he feels horny and probably says that to all women on line until one writes back sexually.

    Well there is a simple question ending his message, so I would try a simple answer:
    “I feel confused by the question.”
    coz I read that you do feel confused by his approach, you don’t know what to say.

  83.  #83Layla on May 14, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    #65 Zara – link is too funny – wonder if cantankerous tiger is for real?

    Again – I say what’s up with these feminine men getting brazilians ??? I want a man to look like a man!

  84.  #84Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Receiving Girl and Ulii,

    Thank you!

  85.  #85ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    @76 Layla

    Thanks. I do just feel really icky with it, but I will proceed and see if it’s maybe some things I need to heal. I also think that about the men who just say hi. So, then I’m just supposed to say hi back and then what. IDK. I felt better when I saw Mr. Observant on there. I thought at least I know they are not all weirdos. LOL

  86.  #86Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    about seeing someone you know on POF….

    I can relate….I tried it back in 2009….I had already some experience with Eharmony and left that thought I ‘d try POF…….chatted with some interesting men…but many were out for a booty call…I recognized some of course…..and then a peculiar profile with a particular reference to something only too familiar…

    it was my ex husband!!!!!

    I was totally freaked out…he was checking out my profile….but I had no picture and hid my identity well…..

    thank god!!!

    I must say it wasn’t long after that when I left the site….

    I tried eharmony again just for fun last summer….

    much more success in trying again since the years before……

    what a ride !


  87.  #87April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Until I have the relationship I want, I’m going to keep my options open…..

    I must look up the whole paragraph again.

  88.  #88April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Had an ‘honest’ talk with WM tonight.

    As far as he is concerned he is in a committed exclusive relationship with me.

    He is angry that I go out with EM and that (in his words) I “put my energy elsewhere”

    I admitted I feel fascinated by EM and can’t stay away from him.

    I keep having flashes of clarity and ease about committing to WM. Why don’t I, then?
    (By the way he is still married and hasn’t faced or healed his anger towards his wife or to himself for getting married to her).

  89.  #89Sassy on May 14, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I am soooo proud of myself for not leaning forward with JT;
    Not responding to his text today and no pining, frustration, nothing!!! He is so far on the back of my horse, one good gallop and off he’ll fly, lol. Go me!!!!

  90.  #90Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm


    interesting that WM can say he’s in a committed exclusive relationship with you but he is still married and hasn’t divorced his wife and is still angry towards her? or towards himself?

    Siren… wonder you are fascinated by EM…….

    only you can decide who you wish to spend energy with…….sounds like you intuitively know where it should go?


  91.  #91April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    He says that what we started together 3 years ago is obvious, so what am I on about ‘some kind of contract’ for.

  92.  #92April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Oh Aurora,

    Something about the way you reworded what I wrote has had an effect on me.

    I feel silly,… relieved,… shifted….

    His ‘issues’ with his wife, which are still raw, really don’t allow him up to show up and be fully present with me.
    Do you agree?

  93.  #93Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    AR what does he mean?

    Does he raise a fuss if you mention that he is still not an available man because he is still married?

    lol that’s the part that’s obvious! lol

  94.  #94Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    91 April Rose

    his issue with his wife ” really don’t allow him up to show up and be fully present with me.”

    oh AR your intuition is alive and well……your inner siren knows her way past this one…….beautifully!

  95.  #95April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I have been pondering whether to commit to him and make the best of it. We have been living together for three years. He is kind, spends time with my family at Christmas, makes great scrambled eggs and Sunday dinners. I have a lot of love for him.

    It feels like I supress part of my personality, and so does he. He used to be extrovert, out-going, a flirt, a womaniser. These days we are like a couple of pensioners, tip-toeing round each other and making cups of tea for excitement.

  96.  #96ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    @85 Aurora Girl – now that would be awful! I do have pics up. I’m actually hoping Mr. Observant sees me. So far, he hasn’t viewed my profile, unless he has it marked not to show he viewed it, like I do. LOL

    I want to lean forward so bad, but I’ve been so good. This is all so different and new for me.

  97.  #97Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    95 RG

    well at first it was “OH my godddddddd”….. no way…..and then I was curious about what he put in his profile

    and then I made sure I wasn’t identifiable at ALL! lol

    then I saw it as funny…..

    and I still do.

    It is the case that when I went back on eharmony last year I felt more experienced on line and took things much more lightly….

    I did meet someone
    and I have been dating him for 9 months. We do not live in the same town and are several hours’ drive apart…but it’s working…he travels mostly

    he is the most amazing man I have ever met.

    We shall see what the future holds….but for now one day at a time..

    for me I was glad I stretched my comfort zone and tried the online dating, even though it was new for me too…….the world is a much different place with technology and the web……is much more open…

    the only way we could have found each other was this way…..

    and I’m glad we did!

    Good vibes to you….xo

  98.  #98Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    If only a penis without a boy was enough. I would have no problems. Just kidding.

    In reality, I want the relationship; togetherness; companionship.

    But I might have to be content to live a relatively lonely life a bit longer.

  99.  #99ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    Thanks, Aurora.

    Is replying a requirement? I mean this one guy asked if I want to talk, but is huge on religion & I’m not. I feel rude saying, “no thank you, I am not as into religion as you are.”

  100.  #100Daria on May 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Receiving Girl – there is no such feeling as “rude”

    this is the patterns I notice and heal

    wow i feel uncomfortable saying that truth of mine… im judging it as rude! i want to heal this

    and say my truth anyway and get used to the uncomfortableness of saying the truth (in a non-judgemental way of course)


    on the other hand, i dont want to judge a guy either

    wheterh im into religion or not as much doesnt matter

    what are my feelings:

    ‘oh i noticed youre really inot religion and im noticing im feeling uncomfortable with that’

    the purpose of CDing is to practice saying just these feeling truths to men! so that eventually we feel comfortable sharing our truth – intimacy with everyone including our men

    this feels like an exciting opportunity to practice!

  101.  #101Sassy on May 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Thinking about you….how are you?

    Much love

  102.  #102Daria on May 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    and also, no, i dont have to answer any of them

    (it might be good practice for me though… hmmmm)

  103.  #103Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    well…..there’s no obligation to reply to anyone…..we are responsible for our own feelings….a man is capable of managing his own too……

    but if someone asked me to talk I’d try to be open and use the phone system that allows you to talk but not disclose each other’s private home numbers (through the dating site usually)……I’d try not to pre judge what it is we might talk about…….and see what happens, explore….experiment, practice the tools you learn here…..

    if a man ventured into a topic I preferred not to talk about yet I’d say just that “oh I’m not ready to talk about that at this point….I’d love to talk about something else….what do you think?”….and see how he responds…..

    it’s all good practice… might be surprised..


  104.  #104Daria on May 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    theres a part of me that doesnt ‘get’ this responding to men for practice thing and i feel judgemental of her

  105.  #105Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    “theres a part of me that doesnt ‘get’ this responding to men for practice thing and i feel judgemental of her”

    Today I responded to a man “for practice” for me….and it turned out I think it was “practice for him too”…

    Now i’ve been dating LD for 9months now….and it’s going well….
    but today while in town and entering a store….a fellow was coming out, the sun was shining and he saw my car (which I tried to wash on the weekend and missed a few spots) and he teased me and said “you missed a spot”…

    and I took it as an opportunity to practice and said
    “oh gosh I know…’s too funny…I feel silly I missed a spot….not my best feature washing cars…I’m just a girl……maybe if I had some help”….
    and giggled my way into the store….

    do you know when I came out two minutes later he had moved his car next to my driver’s side about 10 meters away and said “excuse me….were you serious? ” with a big smile…..

    so I said….no I was kidding with you…..and he said

    “a guy’s gotta ask” again with a big smile

    so I said “you are probably such a nice guy…..and smiled and said….but I’d get into a lot of trouble….lol” and he laughed too…

    it was innocent flirting and it made him smile….

    and that was it.

    and that’s good practice right?!!!

    now will I tell my LD about it? NO! there’s no point. It doesn’t mean anything…it was just practice…..


  106.  #106April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Tonight i intend to get closer to the ‘niggle’ I feel with WM. I trust my intuitive niggle, and I feel desperate to get to the place of putting words to it.

    It’s not just that he is married.

    There is more. Tonight he said the way that we got together was meaningful.

    Since discovering Rori, I actually REGRET the way we got together.

    He came to live at my house. No way would I agree now to a woman providing housing for a man.

  107.  #107April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    My family like WM.

    Our relationship seems to fit the family theme – be good to one another but stuff down feelings.

  108.  #108April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    The anger that he stuffs –

    he says he is scared of it. He wants to hurt me with it but holds back, or hurts himself.

    So, my ‘good man’ WM tonight looked at me with weird madman’s eyes.

  109.  #109Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    be good to yourself siren….

    if he doesn’t process the anger with his estranged wife, and with himself, and the rest of the world….
    before he commits to another relationship

    he will indeed take it out on the woman he’s with…….

    Be good to yourself dearest Siren.


  110.  #110Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    – Concerning men who want to be pursued

    I can totally relate. How about in your best kitten Marilyn Monroe voice:

    Man – I want to be pursued.
    Woman – Oh my, you’re so funny, I don’t want a girl! But if you want a man to pursue you, I know where to find some. It just turns me on when a man is romantic and does things for me. meoowww

    Man – It’s just that I’ve been scarred :((((((
    Woman – Oh darling, I feel so confused – because of your scars you don’t want me to have what turns me on. And it really turns me on when a man is romantic and does things for me. purrrr, purrr, purrr

    lol – I’m much better writing than speaking something like this.

    I need to practice out loud while taking a relaxing soaking bath.

  111.  #111siren song on May 14, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    i am attracting a whole bunch of frogs…i feel guilty for thinking they are frogs…

  112.  #112light heart on May 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    65. Zara
    Veet for Men Customer Reviews


    just one question:
    however did you end up in the ‘Veet for Men’ ‘s
    customer reviews on Amazon???

    light heart

  113.  #113siren song on May 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    dudes on pof like my photo. this is starting to feel really fun.

  114.  #114April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Bless you, Aurora Girl

    Yes, I will be good to myself.
    I intend that being good to myself and taking care of myself will be my priority.

  115.  #115siren song on May 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    CDing is totally taking care of yourself…i get it now!

  116.  #116light heart on May 14, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Oh well, I am still working with having patience…yes, I know that we do have to show them how we want to be treated, but….wow….I expect the more educated ones to have better manners and consideration and social grace enough, so that they know not to ask me if they can stay over at my house after the second date, even if they do live 2 hours away. Would they want their daughters or mothers to let someone they just met stay over right away? Even if they say they have good intentions. How about ask me if I know somewhere that they can stay, so that I’m not put on the spot ? I’ve been handling it really well, you would be proud of me. Now, I’m waiting to see what he says. In a phone call. Not over email exchanges on the website!!

    light heart

  117.  #117April Rose on May 14, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Another thing WM said to me (while expressing anger at my seeing EM) tonight – he said I hadn’t been ‘giving’ as much to the relationship lately.

    Too right, mate.

    No more overfunctioning for this lady!

  118.  #118Healing Waterfall on May 14, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Thanks for the insightful question and reading my post.
    Thanks so much. I really think they showed up because I am experimenting with leaning back. They both seemed to want me to lean forward….and I felt busy with my life and was inviting to them, but i felt inadequate in my vibe, like I was not doing enough to keep them interested. I felt expectant vibes coming from them that they wanted me to call them and take care of them. So this is not what I want. I want a masculine energy man. So this is giving me more clarity.
    Thanks for asking.

  119.  #119LoveAlways on May 14, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    My girlfriend just got engaged!!!
    She met this guy while she was shopping where he worked.
    He pursued her, she wasn’t interested at first.
    He continued to pursue.
    They started seeing each other
    He doesn’t want to lose her to anyone else and he doesn’t want her to see anyone else
    so he asked her to marry him
    to go the justice of the peace and get married
    she wants more time for getting married but accepted his ring.

    I’m so happy for her. That is the way it’s supposed to happen!

  120.  #120Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    Auroa Girl #104 – Way to go siren! LOL

    The other day I was in the grocery store and I asked this nice young man in produce if they had any zucchini because I couldn’t seem to find them.

    He took me right to where they were and I said, oh thank you, lovely, I feel so happy now! And he said, “Is there any thing else we can find TOGETHER? (with a twinkle in his eye) I smiled and said oh yes, thank you 🙂 are these bananas organic? He said, no but these here in this box are. And I said, is it ok if I take the ones for the box? Yes, so I took a bunch and then he said, all flirty, are you sure that’s all you want, you know the more you take the more money I make. I said something like so sorry this is all I can do.. then as I’m walking off he calls after me again and ask if there was anything else I needed. I replied, no I think that’s all, giggling (kicking myself, for not being able to come up with a feeling message in the moment)

    Inside I was just like OMG, this kid who is young enough to be my son, just flirted with me. But, it didn’t matter, because I knew I was just practicing. And it made my day! I thought, wow, I must have some good energy going today.

  121.  #121light heart on May 14, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    118 LoveAlways

    What a great story !

    Yes, that’s the natural, no-effort way, imo!

    light heart

  122.  #122Healing Waterfall on May 14, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    that sounds like you had lots of fun shopping for bananas and zucchinis…..very phallic….interesting you needed help finding those items….lol

  123.  #123light heart on May 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Great article !

    These considerations are helpful

    The distinctions can be so subtle, so it helps to watch how patterns develop

    Rori writes:

    If my husband said to me one of his top 5 things was women – How I’d feel and respond might have a LOT to do with “context” – what made him say it, how he was behaving around me just before he said it, what he did after he said it, what feelings got triggered in me…all of that.

    I could take it as a personal slam at me in some insidious, insensitive way – or I could take it as a glowing tribute to women and his appreciation of them.

    I don’t know what I’d feel in that moment, or what I’d do, but I’d mightily consider choosing the more upbeat options.

    And I see that you chose to take it as a personal affront.

    Either this is because he’s a narcissistic, uncaring, stupid man who was being insensitive, cruel and jerky, or because he’s simply “clueless” and has a warped sense of humor and even less understanding of women, or because there’s some friction between you and it’s causing him to develop a lot of anger and resentment and stuff it down so that it comes out in weird ways like this that seem like a DELIBERATE attempt to hurt you – or because you are so all about you that you can’t see the big picture.

    Please just consider all of this.

  124.  #124Aurora Girl on May 14, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    119 Euterpe

    Awesome cute story…….go Chickie!

  125.  #125Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    Healing Waterfall – hehehe I didn’t realize! Come to think of it I probably have a lot of pinned up sexual energy!

    Thanks HW

  126.  #126LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    I feel like I’m missing out on all that’s happening on the blog.
    I had some time to catch up a little on all the goings on, but haven’t had much time to comment.
    I miss hanging out with you sirens!

    Allthough I have to admit that I’ve been having a good time with my main man.
    He’s been booking most (if not all) of my time.

    I’m in awe at this last weekend.
    He actually did go through with refusing a hockey tournament.
    Wow, he actually did it!!!
    He did not work all weekend and spent all of it with ME!!!!

    I paid close attention to the masculine/feminine energy exchange.
    I was wanting to “do” things and take charge of the schedule…but like a good siren, I caught myself thinking these things and just stopped, leaned back and relaxed.

    I took my masculine energy to wash my car while he went out running his errands.
    When he got back, he was smiling at the sight of me washing my car.
    He said he loves an active woman who takes care of her things and does stuff.

    Where the masculine/feminine energy exchange came in is when he taught me how to apply wax.
    I listened to all his instructions carefully and did my best to follow them.
    I would ask him “how’s this? Am I doing it right?”
    He would lovingly tell me “you’re putting too much on, try not to get any in the openings and cracks, it’s difficult to take out.”
    I would ask “how’s this, is this too much?”

    He looked like he was smiling with his whole body 🙂
    We both loved the teamwork.
    That’s how we both want a relationship to be.
    He fixed a spot where the paint chipped by sanding it down and painting over with some touchup paint the dealer had given me when I bought the car.
    He also made an appointment to get my car looked at bc I was having some minor issue starting it.
    I let him and went along.

    I made sure to give him a big warm hug and said “thank you so much for helping me with my car.”
    He said “I didn’t do much”.
    I said “well, it means alot to me and I really appreciate it.”
    He hugged me back so tight for so long.

    Hhhaaaahhh (sigh), I feel so cared for and so cherished.

    When I left last night, I said “I felt so good with you all weekend. I had a good time.”
    He said “we didn’t get to do much fun stuff.”
    I said “we will get to do fun stuff soon, but this quiet alone time just the 2 of us felt really relaxing for me.”
    He gave me a long hug.

    This new relationship feels so easy and flowy compared to the old one which felt so stressfull and difficult.
    I can hardly believe that they were both with the same man.

    I can’t Thank You enough Rori and Dominique! xox

  127.  #127LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm


    Wow Euterpe!
    That’s the kind of attention that really boosts a siren’s vibe.
    You’ve got this flirting thing down patt!

  128.  #128Brandylion on May 14, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    I feel much less icky watching The Bachelorette than watching The Bachelor. I want to be surrounded anc courted and wooed by 25 of America’s most eligible bachelors! (but not enough to actually try out for the show 🙂

  129.  #129Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    LiliBee – You’re an inspiration!

  130.  #130LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 7:07 pm


    I love that show Brandylion!
    Just to imagine myself in her shoes is so much fun 🙂

  131.  #131Radlove on May 14, 2012 at 7:07 pm


    I like how you flirted with that man about your car needing help!

    I feel happy because a CD who I have yet to meet just contacted me after several months of no contact! It is CO, and I feel happy. He seems shy and sensitive.

  132.  #132LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm


    Thank you Euterpe 🙂

    I’ve had alot of heartbreak with this man.
    But now, with Rori’s help, our relationship is on a totally other planet.
    Whatever happens, I’m enjoying this present moment to the fullest and leaving the past behind.
    I choose to be happy NOW 🙂

  133.  #133Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Oh, thank you for saying “I have this flirting thing down pat”, because I think I’m the worlds worst at it. 🙂

    But, I think the energy was there because, I’m not thinking to much about Sergio, and have been focusing my horse instead. I had three men send me happy mother’s day messages. Sergio was one of them.

    I’m not doing online dating yet. Have a big project to get out of the way first. I have started noticing men to give the eye hold to though, when I’m out and about!

  134.  #134Sun Goddess on May 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    LiliBee, I’m so glad to see that you’re doing well. 🙂

  135.  #135LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 7:18 pm


    Way to go Euterpe! You’re doing great 🙂

  136.  #136Daria on May 14, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Euterpe –

    your answers for men had me thinking of answers i was giving just a lil while ago making them wrong and telling them subtly – (and still do when i get into ‘blame mode”) – they are in fem energy and shouldn’t be

    just recently i realized something Rori had been saying about ‘hes just doing whta he’s doing’ and stopped making men wrong for what i thought was ‘fem energy.’ Everyone’s different!!! They haven’t read my book of what I find appropriate… so its totally ok that they START OUT tlaking fem energy stuff, all that matters is their willingness to turn it around and please me!- since then…. they easily turn around

    here’s how i would tweak to take the making him wrong out:

    “- Concerning men who want to be pursued

    I can totally relate. How about in your best kitten Marilyn Monroe voice:

    Man – I want to be pursued.
    Woman – Oh my, you’re so funny, I don’t want a girl! But if you want a man to pursue you, I know where to find some. It just turns me on when a man is romantic and does things for me. meoowww

    ****Oh my, you’re so funny, I don’t want to pursue…It just feels like so much more of a turn on when a man is romantic and does things for me. meoowww*******

    Man – It’s just that I’ve been scarred :(((((
    Woman – Oh darling, I feel so confused – because of your scars you don’t want me to have what turns me on. And it really turns me on when a man is romantic and does things for me. purrrr, purrr, purrr

    ***Oh darling, im so sorry hearing that :(…. it really feels like such a turn on when a man is romantic and does things for me. purrrr, purrr, purrr****


    i personally feel insecure saying it feels like a turn on when a man does things for me. or spends money on me –

    i can heal this!

    thank you !

  137.  #137LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 7:21 pm


    Hi SG!!! 🙂

    Las Vegas in 3 weeks! I’m so siked! 😀

    I’m following your developments with Musicman and LP.
    I may not have much time to comment, but I do look for you and read up.

  138.  #138Daria on May 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Healing Waterfall – im glad you liked it 🙂 its the question i use when i get thrown off

    Rori has it as the standard question to ask oneself while meeting a man and after.

    What did this man/situation show up to heal?

    rather than (is this a good match for me? / does he like me?)

  139.  #139Daria on May 14, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    what did THis situation show up for me to heal?

    overfunctioning hehe!

    and … i healed my unconsciousness of my pattern

    when a guy is like having trouble with directions, i jump in and help!!!

    i was thinking of formulating how to offer him help… and realized what i was doing! oops!

    instead i can just be : “uhoh, i feel worried” when he says hes lost


    and the STRESS of me organizing it myself turns me off towards HIM !!! and limits what i allow myself to take in as nourishment energetically!

  140.  #140Starla on May 14, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    I think I have the bestest best friend ever. We finally spoke to each other for the first time since Thursday (which isn’t unusual cuz sometimes we’ll go a week without talking just cuz we’re distracted by life) when she was screaming at me, and it took all of 10 seconds to genuinely make up. Easy peazy:)
    ((((((((((((best friend)))))))))))))))

    she is also going to do this a lot more, I’m sure. haha Pregnancy!

  141.  #141LiliBee on May 14, 2012 at 7:30 pm


    I feel so joyful to read that Starla! 🙂

    See, she still loves you 🙂

  142.  #142Sun Goddess on May 14, 2012 at 7:33 pm


    Yeah, you are going to have so much fun!

    Music Man definitely has my attention. He is the sweetest guy Ive ever met…I’m learning how to handle all of the kindness. It’s so different for me, but I think I like it.

  143.  #143Euterpe on May 14, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Daria – thank you for the tweak. Feels much better, more loving. 🙂

  144.  #144siren song on May 14, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    lilibee, i love hearing that you and d are going strong…

    i have been leaning back so far lately with all guys…it helps to think of you and your awesome results.

  145.  #145ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    @99 Daria

    Thank you. That helps.

    I replied to one message (baby steps), he said hi, so I said hi. He replied back, “thank you FOR RESPONDING. How are you lady?”

    I will wait until tomorrow to respond.

  146.  #146ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    @102 Aurora

    Thank you. It was just his entire profile focused on his religion and how he wants a religious girl and he doesn’t have a normal religion, it sounds like he created his own?? and his daughters.

    I will keep what you said in mind. 🙂

  147.  #147Starla on May 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    I told my best friend that i wasn’t cool with getting yelled and cussed at, and she said she is very sorry and that she will work on her temper… she even thanked me for forgiving her, wow! I told her of course I forgive her, it’s not like this has ever happened before anyway.

    Staying calm and not engaging when it’s abusive and destructive really pays off! But I think it’s really important not to do it in a way that send the message, “i’m so much better than you because I’m so enlightened and calm.” The way I did this here was to swallow my pride and NOT withhold love or apology just because they acted a certain awful way when they were upset with what they wanted me to apologize for. Even if I already apologized many times (and they just lashed into me each time, ugh so annoying).

    I was thinking about Daria, hi Daria, and how when you approach someone who tripped on you and you walked away from, you can actually lead with something like “I love you, you’re my sister, what’s up with us never talking for a calm minute so we can keep on being friends?” or something like that. If she flipped out on you because of something you “did” to her that she didn’t like and you really could apologize for, you could say, “I want you to know I’m sorry for ________, I know it upset you. But we can’t be yelling at each other or talking down to each other like how it went down.”

    If she says she has the right to yell and cuss if you p*ss her off, then it’s up to you what you wanna do. You could try to reason with her to make her see how it’s not right to be aggressive like that just because she doesn’t like what someone is saying. Or you could say, “well, I feel discouraged hearing that, because I just don’t want treating each other to ever be a part of our friendship. We have been friends a long time, we can talk about anything and don’t have to be like that with each other.”
    Or you could say, “okay thank you for that information,” and go back into silent mode with her, but that might just be bullying in disguise, I dunno.

  148.  #148ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    @138 Daria

    hehe…I’m very good at directions and would argue with bf’s in the past when they were going the wrong way, but swore it was correct. After a couple times of telling them it’s wrong, I stopped, let them go the wrong way until they realized they were wrong. I guess something I need to remember to refrain from doing.

    Also, that question is great.

  149.  #149ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Yay (((Starla))) & (((best friend))). I feel so happy to hear you made up!

  150.  #150ReceivingGirl on May 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I sent Zara’s link for veet to some of my friends, including Mr. Observant, and he was the only one who replied back. He said, “that made my day, thanks!


    Thank you for the funny link Zara. It made my day too I was laughing so hard. I bookmarked it for when I need a good laugh.

  151.  #151Starla on May 14, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    That Veet thing made me laugh so hard.

    Here’s one for you:

    “My Little Pony: The Princess Promenade” reviews.

  152.  #152Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    # 60 Zara!!!!! Good to see you back. 🙂

    He had written me a few weeks back very posh background very wealthy type thats why I call him PoshCD, this is his 3rd email, I think they are pretty generic as you say none relating specifically to MY profile. Yes I will say I feel confused by the question.

    Thank you, because I am but as you say it will probably lead to the old sexting………sigh……..

  153.  #153Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    Zara, I LOVED the Veet ads, I laughed at the ironic English humour, how I missed it in Australia. 🙂

  154.  #154Daria on May 14, 2012 at 10:42 pm


    i feel like ‘caving’ tonite haha

    and i just put out a status for men to contact me

    and now i was gonna cave


  155.  #155Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    I just received a message from a man with a nice profile, but he doesn’t have a photo. Do you ladies talk to men like this or ask for a photo first? It sounds shallow (maybe I am?) but I like to know who I am chatting to………….


  156.  #156Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    Did everyone like my story? Haaa!

    And another thing occurred to me that’s just kind of funny – RoBoat is actually the originator of my name on this blog. Because it was the night of our third or fourth date that he took my hand in the car, while driving (slightly intoxicated at the time, which I did not like), and said, “Tiffany…” My name is not Tiffany.

    He then proceeded to ask me for exclusivity. But it wasn’t so much of a question or a request, but more a statement of what he would or would not allow.

    Yeah. The guy is pretty much a class A jerk, all around.

    What baffles me the most is how or why any woman would actually choose to want to be with him (and he was stinky! I can’t remember any man who smelled that bad! The nose knows, right?…) And I can’t imagine how or why a person as ill-suited to be a partner is even allowed to get married! I guess everyone has that right. But seriously. Why are perfectly good, caring, same-sex-loving people NOT allowed to marry, and jerks like him can have all the marriage (and “fun”) that they want? Hm? How is that fair?? It’s not. But whatever. Life isn’t fair.

    He is not really my problem. What I get to do is to look at all the issues that really bother me, and figure out what are the things about ME that they are telling me to work on…

    And one other thing came up for me with this, which was that – I was on his “marriage radar.” That is to say, at least on some level, he was considering me for marriage – yeah, probably me and a bunch of other girls, too. But the point is, he thought of me that way. Marriage was on the table. And, seeing as he actually did get married to someone, he at least was serious about that much. Even if he was/is a total jerk about it. And would I have been totally miserable if I ever entered that kind of relationship with him? Totally. But that could have happened. If I’d let it.

    And that, also, I think is my big challenge. I am always trying to “get” what I want, and to “make” something happen. And my big challenge is really just to LET it happen, and stop resisting. Only thing is, I resist on so many unconscious levels, that it’s not even funny. But I can still notice. and I can still try to tweak my behavior, little by little. I just find it so hard to “police” myself every moment. And I find it so hard to CHANGE the little annoying things that I’ve been doing year, after year, for the last – oh- 20 years or so…argh. Even when I KNOW that the behavior is not perfect.

    But I also can’t fundamentally change who I am.

    One guy recently observed that I am not someone who enjoys being “led.” And this is true. And this feels endemic to me. It’s not a “behavior” I can change. It is a quality that I have, and if I try to go against this, I will suffer, and so will my partner. So I can keep that quality, and maybe also just BE different around it. Around them. And see what happens….And worry less. Lol.

    I hope. That’s the plan, anyway!

  157.  #157Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Probably thing to work on #1: Judging people!!

    Why do I need to judge him? To make myself feel better, I guess. It does make me feel better. But ultimately not that good. Because I know that he – like all people – is neither entirely good, nor entirely bad. He has his endearing qualities, and that’s why I fell for him, even when/though he was treating me badly. But I couldn’t put up with treatment that didn’t feel good to me.

    I felt the same way reading about the guy in Rori’s post above. It sounds to me like, in some ways, he was just not treating the girl in a respectful way. On the face of it, saying that he “likes women” is not such a bad thing – one would hope that a heterosexual guy likes women! But there is obviously more to the story. And I felt weird that Rori was seeming to defend him, even though he was doing stuff I didn’t like.

    But she advocated for “radical acceptance.” And that’s what it would take – radically accepting, even the behaviors that you don’t like, for the sake of having a relationship. And this one is my big, BIG area for working on. I tend to reject the behavior – and then the person. And part of why I am mad about the thing with RoBoat. Because I know that, on some level, I had and always have the capacity to radically accept – even a guy who is “like that.”

    Because what does that mean – “he is like that?” He is like what? People change their actions and behavior all the time. He is like many things and not just one way. And he was offering me a lot of things that I wanted – Marriage, exclusivity, commitment, and “taking care of” me. But other than those, his values just did not seem to be in line with mine. And so I guess it just feels bad to know that I turned away a lot of things that I really would have liked to have…only because I wasn’t willing to accept the things I didn’t want. But that’s life, right? That’s love. That’s dating – to be able to decide what it is you really want, and to not be willing to settle for an arrangement that is less that the fulfillment of all your true desires.

    My one main consoling thought is that, at some point in the future, when I do finally meet the husband/mate/person of my dreams, then I will know exactly what it is like, and all of these strange, bizarre, awkward, uncomfortable experiences will not feel in vain. They will suddenly all marshal themselves and be of service to me in some way. They will make sense, or at least they will feel trivial and unimportant in light of everything that DOES matter – which is a lot.

    I know it’s a priority thing. I get to keep my eyes on the prize, and keep riding my beautiful horse, who has done so well to keep me guided on my path to glorious bliss – and AWAY from dangerous, hurtful men like RoBoat, who I really don’t need in my life…

    Thank you, my beautiful intuition. You are so trustworthy, and I love you so much. You are always taking care of me, and looking out for me. You are on my team – even when I feel like no one else is! You are the best!!! 🙂

    Thank you!!!!!!!

  158.  #158Silver Moonbeam on May 14, 2012 at 11:09 pm


    All the very best on getting this job, sending good vibes across the pond. 😀

  159.  #159Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    Sorry for the long posts, ladies – I’ve had a lot on my mind!!!

    @SMB – You could always try writing back, and just responding to his words. Some guys are shy and don’t like to post their pictures in public, but will offer to send one if they feel comfortable. Rather than ask, just go with your gut. What is his writing like? Does he sound genuine? If so, then he is probably an okay guy. You can feel it out. But you could try not “asking” first. That might seem pushy or “lean-forwardy” for a first response.

    Or, if you are going to, just be straightforward about it. Like, “Hi! Thanks for writing. Do you have any pictures you can send?” You will know by his response if he is being cagey or open.

    But either way. You can wait and let him go at his own pace…Or ask for what you want.

    Probably best not to meet him unless he sends a picture, though….

  160.  #160Tiffany on May 14, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    Okay, one more share, and then I am going to sleep!

    The other day, when my friend’s ex (who is a nice guy, and she affirmed that for me) called me to set up a date, he volunteered to tell me on the phone that when he saw me at her party, he felt like, “There – That girl – I want to talk to HER.” That felt kind of cute to hear. : )

    And the guy who came over and brought me Indian food tonight. Also really cute. I left him at the club on Saturday night when another guy offered me a slightly earlier ride home, which I accepted, and he said that he missed me afterward. Aw…These guys are so cute. They really are!!

    My big dilemma right now is – How am I going to choose just one??? And how will I feel brave enough to tell the others that I am not choosing them?? But that is just a codependent question to ask. Because that’s me trying to take care of their “feelings.” When really, they are big boys. They can take care of themselves. If I am a grown woman, and am making my own choice for my own reasons, they are not going to be angry with me, they will be happy.

    And, like me, they will be happier knowing the truth, rather than if I simply blow them off…(kind of like RB did with me recently.) That’s the golden rule, isn’t it? “Do unto others…?” And also the reverse “Do not do to others that which you hate.” So if I hate it when people don’t give me the full story, then I’d better shape up my communication so it’s different when I’m communicating…

    Okay, that’s it for now. Going to sleep. Nighty-night, sirens!! xo

  161.  #161Starla on May 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    Wow, ladies, just wow. I told George Washington I was going on dating strike. And he wrote back with a few pages talking about how I was just rejecting him and that we can’t stay friends either. He said I’m “just not that into” him if I’m telling him this. We’ve gone out on 2 dates and I liked him enough to agree to a third, but I’m not crazyclingyfemale who sets her own self improvement aside in a time of heartbreak to prove to someone I’m not turned off by them! That’s why it’s a dating strike! It’s not you, it’s EVERY MAN.


    I responded as lovingly as possible to take some of the charge out of him trying to make this such a personal thing (especially after i told him IT WAS NOT PERSONAL! ahhh i hate when people decide FOR ME that I don’t mean what I say).

    And I told him I respected his wishes to not stay friends. I guess he’s “just not that into” me either if he doesn’t want to keep a life line in the game:P Silly logic.

    I’m sure he picked that up somewhere in PUA material, to tell a girl you won’t be her friend cuz you like her too much (AFTER ONLY TWO DATES IN A MONTH OR TWO. THIS IS AWFUL ‘GAME’).

    *buzzer* PUA fail.

  162.  #162Starla on May 14, 2012 at 11:44 pm

    i liked him, but good riddance. he is gentle about it and intelligent and means well, but he doesn’t take my word when I say things like “I am not blowing you off,” “this is not a polite rejection,” etc. He decided I meant something else, and wrote a few pages on it.

    Well, gotta do something with that philosophy degree, right buddy;)?

    *I* am the expert on me. I take the time to tell you what I’m thinking and feeling because I want you to know *what it is*. Not because I want you to interpret it as something completely different and respond to it in all its fabricated glory.

    He did give me some very sincere compliments in his email about how attractive he finds me, and I feel very appreciative of them:).

    Aaaanywayyyyy, goodnight, sirens.

  163.  #163Starla on May 15, 2012 at 12:37 am

    i’m back
    to say
    I understand not wanting to be friends with a girl who just doesn’t want him, but I AM interested. I feel sorry for him for interpreting my direct, no uncertain terms as rejection!!

    and i wonder how many times we interpret rejection as women, so we ‘jump the gun’ when he is actually TELLING US he likes us, because it doesn’t match up with our own ideas of what that must look like. probably a lot.

  164.  #164Daria on May 15, 2012 at 12:42 am

    im great at talkin to men !

  165.  #165Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 1:39 am

    Nadia – I’m with you on that one – it would be a dealbreaker for me too. I don’t want a man who turns to prostitutes (or sex with Any other woman) when we are having problems in our relationship (or Any time in our relationship!) That’s not the kind of man/relationship I want.

  166.  #166Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 1:40 am

    Radlove – you are quite welcome. <3

  167.  #167Daria on May 15, 2012 at 2:10 am

    omg no more drunk ppl!

    for real!

    and i dont like being accused of bieng selfish

    or being set up

    or none of that

    i know im not selfish

    im so generous and peaceful and loving

    so whoa!

    red flag


  168.  #168Daria on May 15, 2012 at 2:19 am

    i dont care as long as hes not with me

    some of my best friends have sex with prostitutes

    shoot some of my friends are prostitutes

    theres plenty of people who have sex with them

    just like with everybody else

    hey hey

    i like men who like sex

    i feel kinda weird with ppl who are uptight about sex


    am i judging them



    ouch that feels bad!

    i feel guilty

    im loving myself

    im loving PERFECTIONISM TAPPING from the Tapping Summit a ouple days ago – practitioner Mary Ayers

  169.  #169Daria on May 15, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Im feeling ALL the tapping so far wow!

    I feel so glad ive finally healed some of the resistance I was having and really am allowing this to WORK for me and HELP ME and let me be on ef those LUCKY PEOPLE it works for

    i give myself permission to be one of those lucky people that get recognized and get all their dreams come true in their lifetime

    and also one of those lucky ppl who wins the lottery

    and has a healthy AWesome thrilling adventurous exciting loving beautiful inspiring amazing unique creative never been seen before marriage

  170.  #170Daria on May 15, 2012 at 3:25 am

    SMB – i DO NOT feel safe talkkng to men without photos



    at most, i will write… if eel very uncomfortable talking to someone without a photo on their profile… what dyou you think?

    and let them make me comfortable if its something tjey can do (immediately offering to send a photo would feel good)

  171.  #171Daria on May 15, 2012 at 3:26 am

    wow realizing how much i judge men wout photos as potential ‘weirdos/creepers/stalkers/sex obsessed”

  172.  #172Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:20 am


    117 – Thank you!

  173.  #173Carole on May 15, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I was with my male friend (ex boyfriend) in a resturant and i could see through the reflection of the window he was staring for long periods, at an attractive young lady while i was in conversation with him. I said nothing about that. Later i started to feel hurt and disrespected. But i was also pleased that i did not complain.

  174.  #174Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:49 am


    55 – Ewww! I would feel angry if I felt judged for going out with my friends!

  175.  #175Aurora Girl on May 15, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Good morning Chickies!

    Birds are chirping, sun was shining, but much needed rain gently falling now…..but sun sun sun coming along this week an a great sunny weekend predicted for our Canadian Long weekend…..

    I am feeling anxious these days……I will be traveling to my LD sweety’s home, this time with my children….and his family has wanted to meet them in person for a long time…..they have “met” by skype, phone, email, etc….they have planned a BBQ for the weekend…

    Totally new territory for me. I feel scared, anxious, obligated, and hesitant. A part of me is relieved that we are finally doing this as it’s been asked for some time. His family is sweet and welcoming and already really like my kids.

    But meeting in person is like me saying this relationship is “the one”…..otherwise I’d never ask my kids to do this…….travel the 7 hr drive, take time off their part time jobs…..miss a birthday party at home, blah blah blah…..

    I need to find another way to look at this…because the “this is the one” story doesn’t feel good right now…..maybe I can flip this somehow….

    Maybe to” these are good people to meet and it is a new adventure for them”…….”another part of this country to see” ….and they will be welcomed….

    instead of the focus on the relationship and what this means…..his family will no doubt have their own sense that this is their family too…as they have dropped a ton of hints about this being his family now…..finally wanting girls in the family……oh I guess I can’t worry about what others think..

    Seems like I need reassurance. Feels good to express it here…..

    lol sending myself good vibes ~~~***~~~



  176.  #176Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:54 am

    Nadia and Daria,

    63 – I felt really good and proud when R recently told me that he has chosen to wait until he finds his Soul Mate to have sex…or to even kiss!

    THAT is a man who is preparing his Soul for a lifelong commitment with one special woman!

  177.  #177Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:57 am


    173 – Good morning! Making the trip will be fun! Making the trip doesn’t mean you are marrying him. Just lean back and enjoy the ride!

  178.  #178Tam on May 15, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Agree with the tone of this article, but what if the man you are with CONSTANTLY refers to other women, i e telling you 3 times a day how beautiful the neighbour’s wife is and that he ‘better stay away from that house’ or when you are out with him, looks at other women and makes remarks ‘wow, did you see how hot she was?’ – how would you keep seeing that in a positive light? I had that happen to me and could not help but feel ‘less than’. At times I wondered whether it was to test my reaction or whether he was just brutally honest. One time we were out and about and two young beautiful women came on kayaks, and he said ‘oh, you two can tie the kayaks to our boat’. Then he turned to me and said ‘ wow, would be perfect if I was here with another guy now’ – I was livid, and though we were only heading to relationship and not there yet, it made me angry. I just ignored him and he was trying to make amends and behaved super-nice afterwards. I never understood why he would do that, and it disn’t just happen once in a while but regularly.
    I think it is a mark of respect if a man keeps those thoughts inside!
    What do you think?

  179.  #179Littleod on May 15, 2012 at 5:33 am

    The minute you stop adding a story to everything a man says, is the minute you stop punishing yourself.
    What a man says may mean something entirely different to the message that we choose to hear…. consider that a man usually says exactly what he means…. no more…. We women with our amazingly efficient finely attuned processing equipment can find a negative message in anything… if we choose to. Dont choose a negative if there is a positivie to be found instead…..

  180.  #180Littleod on May 15, 2012 at 5:41 am

    I mean, the only reason women get offended and hurt by the implications of things most men say, is because of their own insecurities. If a man says you are beautiful, then he means you are beautiful….. does that mean that if he thinks another person has fine qualities, that you are any less beautiful? No. I feel it is important to remind ourselves that everyone is essentially an individual, and if we can allow each other to be as we are most comfortable being, then they will be happy in our presence…. and that is love!

  181.  #181Aurora Girl on May 15, 2012 at 5:42 am

    176 Tam
    yes I agree, it doesn’t feel good at all to have those comments broadcast all the time.

    I would be curious to see what his reaction would be if you were to use a FM like “wow I feel really uncomfortable when I hear a man I’m dating comment about other woman like that…..what do you think?”….

    if he then hears how you feels and adjust it….he has potential….if he hears it and ignores you

    he’s probably not going to change and may not be the right guy for you…..


  182.  #182Aurora Girl on May 15, 2012 at 5:43 am

    175 Radlove
    Thanks……I feel reassured by your words…..

  183.  #183Tam on May 15, 2012 at 6:08 am

    Hi Aurora Girl and thanks, yes, I did not say anything at the time because I was too shocked, but later told him that I felt pretty bad when I heard this, and he seemed to understand and was sickly sweet, really trying …I would like to know what Rori’s take on it is because I think he has a lot of anger inside and sometimes wonder if he is trying to wind me up to get a reaction.
    Another friend once commented to me saying: wow, how do you put up with that (as she heard the comments too, another time) and I just said ‘because I know he just talks a lot but doesn’t act out on it’, which is the truth.
    We decided not to pursue anything for now anyway, was a mutual decision….however, we both like each other a lot so our paths will cross again. Interestingly, the more I got to know him, the less it bothered me, but I don’t think it is the ‘normal’ way for a healthy man to behave towards someone he is dating – there is toxicity to it, some stuff going on there for sure…or perhaps he just did not care so much and was really always on the look out for something better. It wasn’t that what bothered me, it was that he could not commit. Maybe all part and parcel of the same thing.
    Thanks for the input!! 🙂

  184.  #184Euterpe on May 15, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Aurora –

    I like when you said “I need to find another way to look at this…because the “this is the one” story doesn’t feel good right now…..maybe I can flip this somehow….”

    “Maybe to” these are good people to meet and it is a new adventure for them”…….”another part of this country to see” ….and they will be welcomed…”

    How old are your kids? Because I think you are on to something. I’d just be honest to the ones that are old enough to understand. Just say, We’re (your guy and you) not making any permanent plans at this point. I’m certainly not ready to do that. And to everyone, we’re just having us a new adventure….

    And you are right don’t take care of anyone else’s feelings.

    Have a great trip!

  185.  #185Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 6:13 am


    176 – I would say, “That feels bad to hear.” about a comment so bold as to say now we just need another guy.

    On the other hand, if it is occasional, admiring the beauty of a woman, I can appreciate that with a man. The human body is beautiful.

    This man sounds over the top, and I would feel uncomfortable too. I would say no and it would be a deal breaker.

  186.  #186Tam on May 15, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Thanks Radlove…agreed..the story doesn’t end here. Another guy did something much worse, and he was actually my bf!! 😉
    He would always tell me I am the best, most beautiful etc etc and a few times I caught him flirting with one of my friends, by flirting I mean following her like a puppy dog on several occasions, leaving me to stand alone, and staring down her top, putting his arm on her hip. He would later say ‘I never did that’. For me this was a lot worse than the guy who said ‘wow, look at that Hottie’ and then couldn’t wouldn’t even have the guts to talk to them..hahaha. Just interesting, the species men…the flirting and touching other women and ignoring me was a dealbreaker for me more than the comments from the other guy. However, neither of these behaviours feel good, they create insecurity with us and make us behave like jealous insecure women, and then they say ‘oh you drama queen’. Nowadays I just sit back, watch it unfold and if I don’t like it – no drama – a feeling message and if it keeps happening and the guy doesn’t respect my feelings at all – BYE BYE.

  187.  #187Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 6:22 am


    179 – To me, it is the heart attitude of the man that makes it or breaks it. With my friend K, who I’ve known 12 years, I know he is all about me. So when a woman walks by and he makes a comment about her body, I laugh or take it in stride.

    One thing Rori told me really sticks with me: When we are with a man, our position is we can either say yes or no to him each step of the way.

    Inotherwords, it isn’t our job to try to change him. If he presents himself in a distasteful way that leaves us feeling disrespected or slimed or dishonored, we can take a step back. If it keeps happening, we can keep stepping back until we have stepped completely out of his life.

    So I guess I am amending my initial response to you. I am learning more and more it doesn’t have to be all on or all off. When I take a step back, it often gets a man’s attention. Sometimes he doesn’t see the light until he feels the heat, if you know what I mean.

  188.  #188Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 6:26 am


    182 – Xactly!

  189.  #189Starla on May 15, 2012 at 6:32 am

    wow i woke up so nervous and anxious and upset, but I think it’s cuz I’m going to the car dealership to pick out a car today, and this weird man I met yesterday who was selling sunglasses made me feel really nervous about it, ahhhhhhhhhhh!

    and i feel nervous about George Washington sending me such a long, crazy letter cuz I won’t go on a third date with him right now.

    And I feel nervous about CF too, I think because GW’s long letter reminded me of all that stuff with CF.

    Triple assault!

  190.  #190Tam on May 15, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Yes, Radlove, all agreed!!
    It is also much easier to let a man be himself when you don’t have big feelings for him, I find it much easier to ‘accept’ my male friends than romantic interests. I am learning to let everyone be themselves and not make it about me, but it is definitely much harder when you really like someone and are trying to gauge how they feel about you….but in essence I think a man’s actions speak much louder than his words…
    it really does pay to take a step back and yes, they will either run or step up, it does work. The hard work is in stepping back from someone who means a lot, especially if that someone is very happy when you make contact first as he has a fear of rejection…and sometimes I wonder if leaning back feeds into that fear, i e ‘she has disappeared, doesn’t like me etc’, but I am not leaning forward anymore for the simple reason that it doesn’t really tell you how he feels, as he just ‘responds’….not easy.

  191.  #191Starla on May 15, 2012 at 6:47 am

    ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i don’t want to face life! i don’t want to make myself look nice or go to work and put on my “normal” act for everyone

    i am not normal!

    vampire scream

  192.  #192sophie on May 15, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Hi Sirens – wow I need some help in stepping into my sireness and away from some really abusive man crack – i posted a while ago about a man I was with and the relationship had turned toxic – he was calling me horrible names and threatening me with violence – I left him changed my number after he sent me violent messages then changed my email after aggressives e mails but Sirens I went back for more!!!!! And now he says (after being seperated 3 weeks – 8 month relationship where we felt in love) that he is sleeping with someone else. Logically, this is no great loss but I am falling apart – I am attempting to contact him even though the likelihood is he’s going to use the power he has gained against me – I cannot even be sure that he didn’t lie about there being another woman to get me……

    where do i start?!!!!! I have been trying to put my focus on me but am a sick ball of anxiety!!! I contacted him because I was missing him and crying every day! I feel I have gone from a reasonably confident woman to a tiny ball of nothing on the floor

    Please help – STARLA your strength with CF has been a totalinspiration to me – DARIA the way you fearlessly process your feelings inspires me

  193.  #193Tam on May 15, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Sophie, wow, got to go cold Turkey and look after yourself, internet date, meet friends, men, go out and find a nice hobby…the only way 🙁
    Had similar once, and the frightening thing is that he probably will be back, and you’ll have to be really strong….you can do it!!

  194.  #194sophie on May 15, 2012 at 7:18 am

    thank you Tam i get more frightened of myself Rori says trust yourself but i go back to men that abuse me over and over again 🙁 i am trying to do all the little things to care for myself but don’t feel able to date I don’t think yet 🙁 thanks for the moral support i need lots of it

  195.  #195Brandylion on May 15, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Re 155: Tiffany, you are so right that the nose knows! I’ve realized that a man’s smell is an important piece of attraction for me. I don’t just mean the chemicals he uses (deodorants, shaving products, etc–I need to like those too), but also the smell of his skin and even his sweat. When PriestCD and I would run together, sometimes I’d get a whiff of his deodorant mixed with his sweat/natural BO, and I really liked it! I felt more physical chemistry with him than I’d ever felt before. It really is a shame things didn’t work out with him. But I will keep my nose peeled for another man whose scent I like that well. 🙂

  196.  #196Tam on May 15, 2012 at 7:21 am

    🙁 to break the pattern somehow? I know what you mean about dating, in that circumstance it also does not help me as I am always thinking of the other guy, comparing etc, when dating men…BUT there must be something you can do to be good to yourself….watch a nice movie, pamper yourself, paint your nails, buy some cheerful clothes….good luck. I know it’s sooooooo hard….

  197.  #197light heart on May 15, 2012 at 7:24 am

    135 Daria

    LOVe IT !!


  198.  #198Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:38 am


    188 – Whew, danger, danger, danger! I have been there.


    Please don’t contact him! Can you feed yourself every self-affirmation you know? Do you have a counselor?

  199.  #199sophie on May 15, 2012 at 7:44 am

    its a test of my ability to surrender to what is and to let go of trying to control the outcome – I feel terrified of the fact that he has let me go even though I was tring to let him go because I know that he is bad for me – now I feel frightened because he could contact me with more abuse or cruel comments about the new woman that will hurt me. I will have a bath and soothe myself in a bit and hope that he doesn’t email me – I know I will get my confidence back but woooo! am I in the grip of something nasty at the moment – i am affirming i am powerful and i am fearless 🙂

  200.  #200sophie on May 15, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Hi Radlove – thank you for reading my story – therapist yes – she’s been away the last week and a half back on Thursday I cannot wait – seriously the number of times over the last 5 years she has heard this pattern I have – you just have to change the names of the men but the way I get caught in these cycles of abuse its the same – its like i just give them everything to beat me with and then i beat myself with the fact that ive attracted it and that i don’t get out of it arrrgggghhhhh!!!! If it keeps coming up its powerful to work with though I suppose – I am going to try and say yay yay yay i feel happy that this is here for me to see again because i still must not have learnt this one and this time i will!!!! You are the last man crack that I will ever know!!!! But…its finding the clues and changing the behaviours….takes time and such courage xx

  201.  #201Aurora Girl on May 15, 2012 at 7:56 am

    180 Euterpe

    My children are all teens this year. They are great kids. They love this man and it’s all been good. He is the first man that I’ve introduced them too so closely since my separation from their father 10 years ago and divorce being final 6 years ago…I’ve been very protective of them, not introduced them to any one I’ve dated…only spoken of these past men matter of factly…but this fellow is different… this is a big step.

    They are supportive of us totally and looking forward to the visit……I appreciate that there is a lot of love and respect in this on both sides….

    whew…seeing it as all good, an adventure….positive things for all feels so much better…..

    Aurora, “work in progress” lol

  202.  #202Jilly on May 15, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Good morning Sirens 🙂

    I really liked this post. I notice with many of my friends how they make their men wrong over the smallest things…

    When a man says that he loves women I feel happy…like “OF COURSE YOU DO!!!” 🙂

    and I LOVE MEN!!! 🙂 I love their smell, the way they do things, the way they take charge, pursue, initiate, love, sleep, etc…YUM!!!

  203.  #203Jilly on May 15, 2012 at 8:04 am

    ok..I’m feeling a tight in my chest and hunched over about this..

    So Rugby Man stayed the night and this morning I made us coffee…

    well……..there was only a little bit of hazelnut creamer (organic half n half) and normally I would have poured it for the guest (Rugby Man) but I DIDNT!! I gave him plain half n half in his coffee and used the hazelnut in mine!!

    I’m feeling all in the soup about it…like I’m a bad hostess.. BUT he would probably want me to use it for me?

    Then there is a part of me that feels good about it…

    interesting…any thoughts???

  204.  #204Jilly on May 15, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Starla…yay!!! Fun!!! shopping for a new car 🙂

  205.  #205April Rose on May 15, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Hello Sirens

    Venus goes Retrograde today (appears to be travelling in reverse motion in the sky) for forty days.

    The Divine Feminine is even more vibrant an energy for us sirens to tap into at this time.

  206.  #206April Rose on May 15, 2012 at 8:11 am


    I like that you put the feminine first. I expect you feel funny because it came from you and not from him!

  207.  #207Rose on May 15, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Oh sweet Jilly, I bet your wonderful rugby man would be overjoyed his goddess took the good yummy stuff for herself and put herself first! 🙂 I love hearing you did that!
    This made me think this very similar thing happened to me with R..
    I can’t remember what it was at the time, I think it was only a little of my favorite coffee left and he actually said to me yes, “please keep that good stuff for you!! I’ll take the not so good coffee”…hehe
    It felt so freeing, but there is always that twinge of guilt, maybe because of our sharing and giving nature…:)

  208.  #208Rose on May 15, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Oooh April Rose I feel yummy and curious and all inspired our Divine Energy is at its peak time..hmm 🙂

  209.  #209Rose on May 15, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Thinking about Femininewoman…Is she ok? I wonder how she is healing from her injury…

  210.  #210Jilly on May 15, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Thanks Rose!!! and April Rose!!! 🙂 …thanks for posting about Venus going into Retrograde…I feel soft and warm thinking about the Divine Feminine and our magical powers, I want to really be in my most divine feminine energy today..that feels really good to think about…and it felt good to save the yummy stuff for me and yet I did feel soupy….meaning good, weird, happy, guilty, smiley, unsure… 🙂

    Awwww…Rose…R sounds so manly and caring 🙂

  211.  #211Starla on May 15, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I noticed how jealous I am feeling of other people when I’m commuting to work. I look at their hands to see if they have wedding rings and are married, and I wonder why they can be married but I can’t.

  212.  #212Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 8:51 am

    IMO, wanting and choosing a monogamous relationship is Not “being uptight about sex.” Just the opposite – it’s being comfortable and secure with a man and your sexuality. Non-monogamy is sometimes a truly conscious choice (maybe) but at times it reflects an insecurity and uptightness, i.e., a lack of confidence that one can really have the monogamous relationship of the heart’s desire.

  213.  #213Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I also have noticed that non-monogamy is more common among those who are emotionally unavailable (lack genuine intimacy aptitude/desire) and seems to be a symptom/trait of it.

  214.  #214Jilly on May 15, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Lucy..I agree…I want monogamy and it feels warm, soft, comforting and safe to me. Feels like home. I am living the relationship of my dreams right now, it feels magical like a fairy tale 🙂

  215.  #215sophie on May 15, 2012 at 9:02 am


    I do that too – with the wedding rings I wonder what I am doing wrong to not have that! and what their lives must be like and with babies…i’m 34 no man, no kids…

  216.  #216Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:06 am

    I got a job! The best paying job I ever got!

    Lucy, it is right near you! I start June 29th!

  217.  #217Rose on May 15, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Aww Jilly I feel smiley 🙂 He is…and so is yours… 🙂 🙂

  218.  #218Aurora Girl on May 15, 2012 at 9:09 am

    congratulations Radlove!
    That must feel wonderful!

  219.  #219Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 9:12 am

    hi starla! Im feeling your moments! I always do that when Im single…it drives me out of my mind…every happy couple, every kiss good bye someone gives their lover going to work, holding hands in the coffee shop, old married couples just rip me up…lol and I only notice it when Im single and it totally goes away when have a man!

    ITs like as much as my head says single is good! My subconscious tells me im lonely!

  220.  #220Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Radlove! Good for you! GO girl! I think that your personality has soared since I began reading ur comments on this blog!

    I can tell you have so much more self love now in your life!

    I wish you the best and I hope that everything you wish for comes true!

  221.  #221Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:17 am

    don’t worry about that guy who is driving you mad. easier said than done. But choose for something better. I know you might feel like how I do with CF, in that you’ll sacrifice some of your own sanity for the chemistry, attraction, desire, intellectual compatitbility, etc., whatever it is that you’re looking for.

    Start telling yourself that if you’re gonna make “bargains” like that, it’ll at least be for better treatment.

    Or do what I do right now and avoid any serious dating until you’re loving yourself enough to attract mr. wonderful.

  222.  #222sophie on May 15, 2012 at 9:19 am

    well done Radlove! Woo hoo! Strength to strength 🙂

  223.  #223Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:21 am

    examples: i will sacrifice my hatred of professional sports if he is otherwise pretty cool and *key word* AVAILABLE for me.

    -will sacrifice my desire to have a man who likes my kind of music, if he is otherwise pretty cool and available for me.


  224.  #224light heart on May 15, 2012 at 9:22 am

    201 April Rose

    Yay Venus Retrograde !

    I’ve been feeling a whole lot more in sync


  225.  #225Emerson on May 15, 2012 at 9:24 am

    176 Tam

    This guy sounds like a grade-A #1 jerk for saying that to you.

    INSENSITIVE and so rude. I don’t care how nice he was afterwards, it was so inappropriate and I personally would not feel “safe” (emotionally) with that person.

    It also makes me think that he sees you as “friend” and not romantically so he says those things…and then when he sees it upsets you, does not want to seem a “bad guy” or have anyone “mad” or upset with him so he dotes on the “niceness” afterwards.

    I dated a guy similar to this, not quite the same comments but still the same level of insensitivity and I STAYED with him….now I would NOT put up with feeling bad with a man and I’m much more true to my feelings.

  226.  #226Goodheart on May 15, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Jilly, I truly feel that men looove when we do things like this. Last night I was making some corn tortillas in the frying pan. My bf came over & I said, “honey, yours broke a little.” He said, “Mine, huh? Why mine” And I said, “Luck of the draw.”

    Then while we were eating he said (with a glint in his eye), “Why is mine the broken one again?”

    I said, not looking at him, just enjoying my WHOLE tortilla, “Luck of the draw.”

    I could feel him smiling at me.

    He loves when I’m sassy & selfish.

    And the thing is it’s because I’m actually really thoughtful & generous, but on my terms, when I want to be not because I feel I have to or because I want to get something in return.

  227.  #227light heart on May 15, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Radlove !!

    How exciting!

    I feel great reading about your new job and
    definitely sense your excitement!

    Way to take care of your self, Siren !


  228.  #228sophie on May 15, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Thank you (((((Starla))))) I have been using you as inspiration as I think we’ve been on similar time scales – I found Rori about a year ago after another toxic relationship where I gave my power away so easily to a man that used me and I got my vibe high and I CD’d and I found this one and it felt amazing and i thought I’d cracked it so there is so much distress and disappointment attached at having to let him go 🙁 but yes, i have been following you and trying to do the same using itas practice for getting myself to the place where mr truly wonderful and not mean and selfish turns up!!!! Feel demoralised to be picking myself up off the floor again and so bound up with him and feeling like I need him.

    You have been amazing the determination and strength and self love you have been practicing – really amazing xx

  229.  #229Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Does this sound too drastic for a man?

    Im saving my body for my future husband.
    I want to be in a committed situation with a guy before I sleep with him.
    I am tired of sleeping around and letting men “try” me out before they are sure they want me…Im not a performer auditioning for the ballet.
    Im not desensitized to sex, I feel sex is so pleasurable that I would like get strong feelings for you long before I was ready, if I sleep with you now.
    I want to wait until I feel comfortable with the person I am with and I dont feel like sex is recreational.

    That sounds like an angry rant doesnt it?
    How do I soften that one cause Im tired of requests for sex…lol

  230.  #230Dominique on May 15, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Yay Lilibee….#125. I feel so happy for you and well – a bit proud too. Happy dance…


  231.  #231Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:36 am


    196 – I used to do the same thing. I still have to guard against it where R is concerned.

    One thing that helped me get out of outright abusive relationships was to watch TV and find a man and his behavior that was very tender and gentle. I studied him. I stood close to the screen and watched him touch women like they were gold. I imagined it was me being touched so gently.

    Then I burned that image in my mind that I won’t let any man near me unless he treats me like THAT.

  232.  #232Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Jessie and Aurora and anyone else I may have accidentally missed…

    Thank you for your kind, supportive comments! I feel happy!

  233.  #233light heart on May 15, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Hi Jessie,
    I like some of what you wrote here, but it seems there is a little too much explaining and your own opinion about guys trying you out. Like, the less said, the better.

    “I’m saving my body for my future husband.
    I want to be in a committed situation with a guy before I sleep with him.

    I feel sex is so pleasurable that I would likely get strong feelings for you long before I was ready, if I sleep with you now.

    I want to wait until I feel comfortable with the person I am with first”



  234.  #234Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:48 am


    225 – I wish I could find it. One of the Sirens posted a superb FM that said the same thing, but really softly. I agree with WHAT you said, But i agree that HOW you said it sounds harsh.

    It was something to the effect that I don’t give away my body until I have given away my heart. It’s a package deal.

    Does anyone remember?

  235.  #235Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Light Heart,

    223 – Thank you! Yes, I am definitely doing my best to take care of myself! It feels good to be self-sufficient, and when the right man comes along, i want to have my life completely in order!

  236.  #236Dominique on May 15, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Tam – #176 – Yes this kind of behavior is disrespectful.

    You can’t change another person, but you can change yourself, and your changes may include not accepting being treated in this way.

    Your changes also may or may not instill change in him as well.

    But you always have the choice to walk away.

    Accepting someone’s behavior or accepting someone exactly as they are also includes having the choice to not have someone who treats you poorly in your life.


  237.  #237Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 9:55 am

    27: ReceivingGirl

    I totally am triggered by the statement about letting a relationship unfold naturally also…

    I feel like saying ‘Duh! of course a relationship should unfold naturally’.

    For me, naturally includes what I am feeling and if it’s sticky or icky then I want to work through it. I sometimes feel confused about what is too much to ask to have someone work through it with me…

    Today I feel really sad that I shared my deepest self and wasn’t received.

    I have had a couple of great CD messages on POF and one great chat. An offer for a dog walking partner, an offer for a picnic and one fellow who did the ‘i want to meet you’ and his whole profile is an invitation to fly to San Fran and cruise back to Vancouver over the long weekend because he had a last minute cancellation. That sounds super fun and scary at the same time.

    I’m noticing that I am feeling sad at the offer of the picnic because SR made picnics for me and I am a little worried that I might show up to the CD picnic and burst into tears – has this ever happened to anyone?

  238.  #238Dominique on May 15, 2012 at 9:58 am

    YAY!!! Radlove, huge congratulations.


  239.  #239Dominique on May 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Sophie – What strikes me here is that you keep finding/attracting/are attracted to abusive men. Somewhere along the way you equated this kind of abuse with love. Were your parents abusive in a similar way?

    When things get mixed up in this way, love with abuse (or neglect, rejection, abandonment), we will keep finding these types of situations. Even though they feel bad, they are familiar. They feel like the love, the only love you’ve known.

    It takes awareness and a huge conscious change in choice, choosing someone, a man, who is completely opposite to the kind of man you would normally go for, someone you may not be attracted to at first, someone who you may find boring.

    You may not be accustomed to being treated well, with respect, with love. It does take getting used to. And you may push it way, block it, but the more you can heal and release old stuff, the more you can allow the stuff which feel better, the more you will want to feel this way, and the less you will tolerate the old stuff.


  240.  #240Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 10:04 am

    99: Daria

    This seems so simple and I am realizing how difficult this is for me to do because I bounce back and forth between judging myself and the fellow.

    I really appreciate your clarity and transparency with this process, I am gaining insight into my own patterns and tender spots

  241.  #241Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 10:06 am

    I am really scared of bursting into tears in front of a CD that I just met and feeling like I have to explain myself or share personal information or have him think I am a lunatic…

    Lol! now that feels a little funny to me that they might think I’m a lunatic

  242.  #242sophie on May 15, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Thanks Radlove – i’m all caught up in thinking he treats me great when that is a delusion he doesn’t!! He has just positioned himself as the one who is able to walk away and now I feel soooo small and left behind 🙁

  243.  #243April Rose on May 15, 2012 at 10:09 am


    You’re one hot be-atch. You got the job!

    I feel proud of you, honey.

    Big smiles 🙂 🙂

  244.  #244Starla on May 15, 2012 at 10:18 am


  245.  #245sophie on May 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Dominique! Yes my dad was really psychologically abusive to me – my mum stayed with him though – so yes I do think I must equate it with love – so painful though – I have just received an e mail from the man ‘rejecting’ me after I went back after getting away – he is all cold and authoritive in his email and walking away – i feel so small and left behind 🙁 I’m glad i’ve had the space to join in here today cos I totally need to change I cannot keep doing this it is total torture. Can we really learn to love men we find boring? and unattractive?

  246.  #246Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 10:23 am

    I am longing, looooonnnnngggging to lean forward and call SR.

    I am feeling lonely and frustrated with myself for not getting off my butt yet today.

    Why do I feel this insane desire to share my emotions with him….I have lots of people to share myself with and they love me for it and receive me with open arms and he often just can’t – so what’s with me feeling like forcing him – WTF?

    I am reminding myself that he will call me – he always calls me…

    I feel so frustrated with myself not to just let it alone and feel good about him being on the back of my horse (since that is exactly where he has put himself) as I’ve heard you sirens talk about…which I am assuming means just letting it be what it is and carrying on with ME and eventually he will fall off or step up – is that how it’s meant?

  247.  #247Jilly on May 15, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Good heart…I felt so smiley and giggly reading your post, picturing you eating your WHOLE tortilla not even looking at him yet feeling pleasure 😉 …YUM!! super sassy and flirty…thank you for sharing that…I’m going to remember these stories…”the coffee” and “the tortilla” … 🙂

    Radlove…that is so awesome!!!! yay!!!

  248.  #248Brandylion on May 15, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Radlove, #230:

    First of all, congrats on the new job! I feel excited for you!

    I thought I’d saved that one (I keep Google documents of all the fabulous things you women write!), but I can’t find it either.

    I seem to recall there also being something about sex confuses the feelings…gah! I feel so annoyed that I apparently didn’t keep that one after all!

  249.  #249Brandylion on May 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Celtic Blue once wrote:
    I say “For me sex comes with relationship and commitment and caring . These things are a package deal and I feel safe and sensual when a man cares for me in an ongoing relationship. Casual sex feels all wrong and is not for me. I don’t want to be friends with benefits .”

    RadLove, you once wrote:
    “I want to feel cherished. I want to be known and loved, not just touched. I want a man to see my heart, mind, soul, and spirit. Then when he touches my body, he is touching ME, not a body.”

  250.  #250Starla on May 15, 2012 at 10:47 am

    ut oh ladies, i think Alaska might be pulling out, too, cuz I don’t want to do serious dating right now and maybe I just want to kick it like friends.

    we’ll see.

    i love me and am not abandoning myself.

  251.  #251Dominique on May 15, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Sophie – yay you for recognizing this in yu and your family patterns.

    It’s not so much that you have to learn to love someone you find boring. It’s much more about learning to feel curious and learning to feel open to any and all possibility.

    For example when I first went out with K, he didn’t look anything like the kind of man I usually went for aside from his height.

    I made a conscious decision to give him a chance anyway to explore, to just see what might unfold.

    He turned out to be an amazing, loving, affectionate, generous, fun, funny, smart man. Look what I would have missed out on had I gone with my initial reaction.

    He’s changed over the years as I healed and grew. The “better” I became, the “better” he became. You may have heard me say that a man heals best through a woman’s heart, and I am living proof of this.

    So I didn’t settle. I didn’t learn to love a boring man, for he never was. I learned to open my eyes and my heart.


  252.  #252Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Rose I am here just focssing in my health. Fingers are healing up. Were you the one who did breast cancer surgery? I did first mammograms a few weeks ago and got called for sonogram. Did them today and was told that I had lymph nodes in both breasts like the size of lima beans. He said not to worry about it because many women have them but to come back in 6 months to make sure they are not growing. It leaves me feeling so unsettled.

  253.  #253Starbright on May 15, 2012 at 11:17 am


    Thank-you! The way you answered Sophie’s question, is the best way I have heard being open to men one may not have normally found attractive described.

    In particular: “So I didn’t settle. I didn’t learn to love a boring man, for he never was. learned to open my eyes and my heart”

  254.  #254Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 11:18 am

    212: Radlove

    I feel so happy to hear you got the job and ‘the best paying one you ever had’. Yay! Feel inspired and wiggly excited for you.

    I need to find work too and am just so resistant to putting myself out there right now – feel vulnerable to the inevitable rejection.

  255.  #255Starla on May 15, 2012 at 11:23 am

    aw dominique 247 is beautiful:)

  256.  #256ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 11:24 am

    @233 Love Actually

    I agree.

    I feel glad to hear POF is working well for you. I’ve responded to one, he replied and I have to reply back. Baby steps!

    I don’t have any advice about the picnic, never been in that situation before. What if you suggest something else for your first meeting?

  257.  #257Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

    247: Dominique

    I feel really grateful and hopeful reading this.

    I notice that I feel completely resistant to most of the men messaging me on POF if I don’t feel an instant attraction to them. I almost feel like I would be betraying them somehow if I agreed to see them – that I am implying some interest even if I don’t feel it.

    I feel relief with the notion of curiosity – I can be curious and I want to be open to the possibilities…and I want to be open to what may come of the interaction with a man even if not a potential love relationship.

    I’m realizing that I put a lot of weight on the outcome – WOW! I am totally attached to the outcome. Crap! For me it seems to keep coming back to that I want to control every little thing in every aspect of my life and it is currently throwing a barrage at me that I can’t control any of it. Interesting.

  258.  #258Rose on May 15, 2012 at 11:26 am

    (((((((Femininewoman))))))) That actually wasn’t me but I think it was “Rosa” who had surgery..I could be wrong…
    Sending you lots and lots of healing energy and love…xoxo

  259.  #259ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 11:29 am


    Congrats on the new job!! 🙂

  260.  #260ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 11:34 am

    @253 Love Actually

    I feel completely resistant as well on POF. It doesn’t matter what their message says, but I can find something to make me not happy about it. Or their profiles. I feel very judgmental. I even did it with Mr. Observant’s profile (his pictures just don’t do him justice). I feel awful for being so judgmental.

    I need to figure out what is behind that.

  261.  #261Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

    252: ReceivingGirl

    I am laughing at myself right now…of course – something different for a first meeting – that would be taking good care of myself. Even though I love picnics, it would be painful right now.

    Now to figure out how to put that in FM because I have the sense that he is now putting a huge amount of energy into planning a fabulous picnic.

    How does this sound.

    I’m just realizing that while a picnic sounds really wonderful I am feeling a little overwhelmed at doing something so grand for a first meeting. I would feel more relaxed to maybe go for a walk for a first meeting. What do you think?

  262.  #262Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

    256: ReceivingGirl

    I know exactly what you mean.

    I was really judgmental in my 20s too and I think I pushed lots of men away.

    Funny, SR has a profile on POF from before we met and if I had come across him via his POF profile I would NEVER EVER have answered a message from him – I met him through a friend and now I feel like I am struggling to get him out of every single cell of my body. Weird!!

    I really liked how Dominique put it in her post #247.

    I am curious by nature. I’m feeling a little lighter imagining I can find a way through curiosity.

  263.  #263Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:46 am

    sophie – i would start CDating immediately (take your best photos, write a 2 paragraph profile to put online and ill help tweak)

    I hear you don’t feel ‘ready’ for dating… that is – I noticed – a clue that you should start shifting your attention towards dating even MORE right now

    when an experience with a man crushes us and our feminine balance, a healthy response is to IMMEDIATELY turn 180 and receive masculine energy from the other sources around

    in a smaller scenario:

    if a man is rude to us in a club for example, the fastest way to heal is not to isolate ourselves in a corner, but to turn away from him and smile at the other men wanting to talk to us and receive attention from them

    Receiving Attention from men Does feel very scary when we are feeling crushed and sad inside… and it can help turn around our crushed vibe (in minutes! sometimes, its like a miracle)

    the more we build this as an instinctual reflex, the easier it is for us to stay balanced and nourished and open

    theres not really any necessisity to ‘suffer’ over a breakup at all once this reflex has become second nature!

  264.  #264Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

    sophie – also i would get really clear on how to use CDating as THERAPY and not as ‘dating to find a guy i like as a boyfriend’

  265.  #265Dominique on May 15, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Some really wonderful light bulbs going off here today. I feel so glad to be a part of it.

    Curiosity can be your best friend. You don’t owe anyone anything by responding to someone on a dating site. It doesn’t mean anything other than you feel curious, even if no initial attraction is there.

    Initial attraction means nothing anyway. It’s simply a response to physical appearance which says nothing about what’s in this person’s heart and mind.

    Don’t you hate it when a man does this to you? Dismisses you because you don’t look like whatever is he thinks he wants. Or the opposite, he wants you because one or more of your body parts fit into his preconceived concepts. Don’t you feel annoyed at being just a body to him?

    Even after our first date, I wasn’t sure. All he did was talk about himself, mostly anyway. I decided he was either a narcissist, or he felt nervous. It turned out to be the latter.

    Again look what I would have missed.

    I mentioned here recently that we just had our ten year anniversary, and I feel closer, more connected, more in love than ever.


  266.  #266Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:58 am

    ‘wanting and choosing a monogamous relationship is not being uptight about sex’


    yeah, but people who want and choose a monogamous relationship can still have sex when they are single and non committed and STILL be choosing monogamy

    it seems none of her business what he was doing during the time he was single…(as in the story)

    i know i dont talk to men about my personal sex life that doesnt involve them

    to me a guy choosing to be celibate till marriage – ok well i kinda feel worried that he has sex/judgement issues and may not be an open (or skilled!) partner.

    I feel a bit weirded out.

    i feel more comfortable and safe thinking of a man who is happy to please and give sex and love to any woman with his generosity, until he finds The woman he wants for life that he will committ to

  267.  #267Tam on May 15, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Thank you Dominique and Emerson, you have confirmed my thoughts exactly. I do think life is too short to accept men that make you feel bad on a regular basis, yes they may have good points too (doesn’t everybody?) – but it doesn’t make up for general disrespectful behaviour. Sometimes I know this but give people the benefit of the doubt and think it is me who is being unreasonable and maybe I should think: ‘live and let live’ – as I am not perfect too. So it was nice to have heard your take on it.

    Congrats Radlove!!! What excellent news!! You go girl 🙂

  268.  #268Daria on May 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    im feeling pist and uptight that i explained myself

  269.  #269sophie on May 15, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Daria and Dominique feels great to hear your wisdom and get your encouragement – feels lovely also to be reminded of the feminine – i’ve been so bound up in just feeling terrified and with fighting him and my own demons that it feels nourishing to remind myself that I am a feminine being who needs things to be gentle and divine. Dominique your own experiences are so reassuring – I know there are some men who are probably very nice men who I’ve properly panicked when they’ve wanted to take me out again or kiss me – I’ve felt so resistant I want to push them away and never see them again – very strong resistances 🙂

    Daria))) I love what you say 🙂 I noticed when I was reading about turning to male attention both a feeling of excitement that yeah I can do that! that’ll feel good! and totally getting what you were saying and seeing it as a nourishing thing to do/practice being but also this fear of not wanting my self worth to be all mixed up in the adoration of men – do you know what I mean?

  270.  #270Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm


    241 – Don’t let the abusers of the world define who you are.

  271.  #271Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:40 pm


    245 – Who is that Radlove person you quoted?!?!

    Whoaa! She’s good! LOL! 😆

  272.  #272Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Thanks everyone! I see it as starting a new chapter in my life! today I did some window shopping, making a mental list of things I’ve been needing, and prioritizing.

  273.  #273Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    RE 262 – Daria reading that, it feels peaceful to allow it to settle in to me to accept that people make their own choices for their lives. In allowing them I feel more open to doing that for myself and feeling powerful in my own life.

  274.  #274Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Radlove I feel happy to read about this chapter of your life. I admit I felt stunned at the way you stood up for yourself initially but now I am feeling surprised as to how it as all just working out in a seamless flowy way.

    Brava to you and congrats. I feel hopeful that you will keep expanding and learning.

  275.  #275Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Love Actually,

    250 – “I need to find work too and am just so resistant to putting myself out there right now – feel vulnerable to the inevitable rejection.”

    Can you look at it like CDing, that it’s just putting yourself out there for practice?

    For me, I find jobhunting and interviewing far less stressful than CDing, because I have a lot of confidence in my document skills, and because I HAVE had a lot of experience (not thrilled at having jobhunted so many times, but as a contractor, that’s the breaks). But if you just look at it as practice, it doesn’t feel so threatening.

    I just had the phone interview yesterday, and even tho I was asked some challenging questions, I felt at ease because of all the times I’ve interviewed.

    Another thing that helped me get into it was instead of viewing it with fear, I chose to look at it like an adventure. It was like a treasure hunt to see what jobs I would find where.

  276.  #276Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:49 pm


    270 – ” I admit I felt stunned at the way you stood up for yourself initially”

    Thank you. What does this part mean (above)?

  277.  #277Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    April Rose,

    239 – Thank you beatch! The best part of being on the blog is meeting psycholoco people like you! 😆

  278.  #278Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 12:55 pm


    238 – “Thanks Radlove – i’m all caught up in thinking he treats me great when that is a delusion he doesn’t!! He has just positioned himself as the one who is able to walk away and now I feel soooo small and left behind ”

    That feels confusing when that happens. It is a time to reach deep inside and feel your heart. Can you get alone and fall to your knees and comfort your heart?

    Can you touch base with the real you and visualize a loving man caressing you, giving you a dozen of roses, and taking you to the beach? Can you put yourself in an old fashioned movie, and feel a man taking your hand, kissing it, and protecting you from this man who is hurting you?

  279.  #279sophie on May 15, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I really like that last idea Radlove of finding the lovely protective man who will help me with the man who is hurting me 🙂 I have just put some potential internet dating photos on facebook and immediately had all my contacts ‘liking’ me – yay! even that lifted my vide 🙂

  280.  #280sophie on May 15, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    oops – vibe 🙂

  281.  #281Mel on May 15, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Him: What is your plan for tonight sweet miss?

    Me: Just have to stop after work to do X, but other than that, just feeling like relaxing. You?

    Him: Hopefully to see my sweetheart and feed her a tasty dinner after a busy day….? 🙂

    Me: Awww, I LOVE that plan. That would feel so nice!


    I am always feeling so surprised by this man… He has completely challenged every one of my negative beliefs about relationships. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  282.  #282Ella on May 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Hmm, I can relate to this post recently in terms of me being around MWC at work on the weekends.

    For some reasons when I work a Sat night and he is also working, I get thrown off balance.

    He is a nice guy who chats and jokes with everyone including the women work colleagues.

    And I felt so jealous.

    But it feels like a personal attack on me.

    And I feel SO mad about it.

    But underneath that I feel is sometimes a sense of insecurity in myself, or that NV about ‘i’m not good enough or something.

    It annoys the heck out of me that I am not able to be more zen about it all.

    But at the last Sat night he WAS definitely ignoring me… I am not saying on purpose… but it was as though I did not register on his radar… which never, ever usually happens… and that did trigger me.

    And I told him it felt bad being ignored.

    I have heard Rori mention that ignoring is a form of neglect.

    But his joking/flirting with other colleagues, I don’t really think is harmful, nor is it a personal dig a me…

    And I know the jealousy is all my issue!


    Lucky me.

    Well, anyway I am noticing.

    Sometimes I feel like a total Princess when I want all the attention on me…

    But, well, I am a Siren after all.

    I suppose it would just feel better to get that attention in a positive way by glowing (which I think/hope I usually do) rather than a negative way of getting all mad when I don’t feel cherished or am not getting what I want, or I feel jealous.

  283.  #283Starla on May 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Daria, Sophie, 269/270

    I agree with Daria, UNLESS you need to do some therapy of your own before you can use CDing as effective therapy. That’s why I am on a dating strike right now. Because I am not even sure how I would want to use CDing as therapy because I’m reevaluating my romantic goals and desires and even my personality. I like the idea of getting romantic attention from men to make me feel feminine and desired, but I’ve been doing this for years, always turning to another man/men isn’t working for me in the big picture sense. It’s a bandaid. I’m going to rip the bandaid off and let the gaping wound heal how it should be healed, with my own self love.

    I feel excited to learn how to fill myself up. How to feel desirable and worthy even if there isn’t some man telling me I am. I think this will attract the effortless, true love I am wanting in this life.

    Also, I have been prone to let taking care of myself slide when I have a man in my life. I have a bad habit of not taking care of myself in general, so I want to switch this up before I get back to dating.

    Sooo this is my own journey and my own perspective, and hopefully you will find one that feels just right for you and all our perspectives help you narrow down and decide how you’re feeling and what’s right for you, you know?

  284.  #284sophie on May 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Yay Mel!!! Go you! That’s what I would love – a man who constantly surprises me in a lovely way 🙂

  285.  #285Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Mel you are such an inspiration

  286.  #286Starla on May 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm


  287.  #287Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Radlove wasn’t it you who kinda told them you know how much you are worth and kinda like they would be blessed to have you working for them?

  288.  #288Starla on May 15, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Daria 262, I am thinking pretty seriously that when I am off my “dating strike,” I will probably sleep with someone casually. I can feel that I want to do this, and that it will be very healing for me to open up sexually.

    There are some things about my body that I don’t like, and I realize that I’ve been shutting down sexually because I don’t like them. I falsely require full emotional commitment and security from a man, not so that i can feel safe to sleep with him, but feel safe to know he won’t dump me because i’ve got some major imperfections going on with my body. It’s not ACTUALLY about the sex.

    But they’re things I can do about what’s making me self conscious enough to shut down the sexual part of a relationship, even if it takes some effort and money and time. It’ll be worth it to feel like I can be freely naked and sexual.

    I feel excited for this fall! I can imagine I’ll be a brand new person in a lot of ways! And I’ll be living my life to the fullest, instead of letting fears and insecurities dictate my choices.


  289.  #289Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    271: Radlove

    Ohhh, I feel happy thinking of it like practice, an adventure and treasure hunt.

    I feel stuck and struggling with my confidence because I am transitioning into a new field entirely and don’t have experience and really really don’t want to get pulled back into the kind of work I did before – it just sucks the life out of me.

    I feel torn also because I have a short term need to earn some money and the long term need to cultivate my new career path…AND I just keep getting hit with health issues that require surgery and THAT just completely flattens me – physically, energetically, spiritually.

    I feel hopeful because after this last diagnosis that will require more surgery has brought several people into my life who are reaching to me to offer energetic healing and that just feels soooooooo comforting. And bringing the lesson that I knew before and had forgotten that the universe does provide what I need and I just have to be open to receiving it and soaking it in. Yay me!

    Yay looking for a job as a fun adventure – I feel encouraged. I feel curious.

  290.  #290Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    284: Starla

    I feel really inspired by your thoughts -both in prior posts about how you are taking care of yourself – thanking yourself for washing your face and brushing your teeth. Wow! This feels like lovely little rituals you are offering to yourself and I have been inspired to take better care of myself in similar small ways after reading your posts. I too have not been very good at taking conscious, fabulous, delicious care of myself.

    Reading your post about opening up sexually feels so loving as well and has helped me to also realize one of the gifts that SR has given me, despite the challenges, is a freedom and openness sexually. I’m in my mid 40s and have never felt so open and secure in my body with anyone the way I do with him and it’s fantastic! Thank you for the gift of that insight.

  291.  #291Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 2:21 pm


    283 – “Radlove wasn’t it you who kinda told them you know how much you are worth and kinda like they would be blessed to have you working for them?”

    Ah, now I know what you meant. That was a different job interview. They were paying almost half what I’ll be earning on this job I just got!

    Yes, I definitely feel more confident in the work world than in dating and in operating in my feminine energy. I KNOW my skills are above average, and I KNOW what my career pays. So that’s why I spoke so boldly to the other employer.

    I had firm ground to stand on, since I am on unemployment. If I had no income at all, I would have been forced to take the route of desperation, which never makes a good bargain.

    Ha! I just decided I’m going to email the interviewer and tell her what I’ll be earning! In Your Face, Beatch! Don’t worry, I won’t say that last part!

  292.  #292Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm


    That is the cry of my heart right now, both to low paying employers and to men who treat me wrong. That goes for my brothers, too.


    What I do is go into my fantasies, and I become a precious princess who wear beautiful dresses and has all the aides she needs to keep her hair, nails, face, etc in perfect condition! She is coddled and pampered and spoiled!

    Then I go away from the fantasy and treat myself like that. Then when an abuser comes on the scene, I mentally require him to treat me as well as I treat myself.

    If he doesn’t, I say no.

    I highly recommend the book to you, “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.”
    It was very eye-opening to me when I was having one relationship after another with obviously abusive men.

  293.  #293Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Good for you Radlove.

  294.  #294Starla on May 15, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    What it is…is….
    I grow hair in places a woman shouldn’t=/

    i pluck/shave/tried everything, but it is never enough to make me feel comfortable. And ingrown hairs look even worse than actual ones! So I’m going to get it laser’d off, which will be lengthy and expensive. But so worth it.

    And I feel self conscious about my VJ. I actually feel like she’s a little sick and sad from sexual trauma and abuse, and I am going to heal her. Sometimes she just “looks” sad to me, and I think it’s so ugly and undesirable. I feel like she has been mistreated or neglected for most of my life, and I am going to heal her.

  295.  #295Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    I’ve never really compared my professional self to my personal self before. Hmmm, if I can transfer some of this confidence to my personal self, I’ll be sittin pretty!

  296.  #296sophie on May 15, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Starla (((279)))

    Yes I need to find the one that works for me because I see great value in both approaches – I wonder if I am able to combine the both or if actually the direct male attention will freak me out and I’ll become more introverted. I’m not someone who has gone from relationship to relationship and have spent long periods of time (I think!) without men so it might do me good this time to keep practicing and not do what I usually do which is some bizarre clinging on out of a sense of loyalty when he is no longer there sort of thing! That said it might do me good to reclaim myself as mine and as single and available – otherwise I feel unavailable and as if I’m still attached to him – even with my body, even without him there and him seeing another woman! So, maybe for me this time it’ll be a matter of diffusing the power I have given him by reclaiming my position as woman among men! But also, I must do as you do also and do that work on myself, so that I am the best and most feminine and most powerful siren I can be in preparation for the man who is ‘able’ to claim me 🙂

  297.  #297Calypso on May 15, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Hi Sirens! I had a nice laugh today and am proud of my leaning-back self . . .

    GM is still looking at my FB daily and yesterday he apparently noticed that I “Liked” a band that is from the small town where he lives. He texted me today to ask me where I had seen them and I told him I met one of their members online . . .

    He is sooooo funny! He proceeded to inform me that he went to school with “Dave” and that I have met his son at GM’s house. He told me the man’s life story and I just kept leaning back – barely responding to his info. Finally, I said, “Thanks for the intel . . . lol – Tell Jake (his friend that we went tot he beach with) hello from me” and that was it. He took the hint and stopped ratteling on and on about the band guy.

    I seriously doubt that I will ever even meet “Dave”, but knowing that GM is now thinking about it and wondering if I am going to date him has absolutely made my day! The fact that I did not gush all over him and promise to never love another man in this life or the next makes me very proud!

    Meanwhile, I am CD’ing like crazy with the guys on POF and I think I have two dates for this weekend!!!

  298.  #298Starbright on May 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    291. Radlove,

    What you are describing about your amazing professional self and how it could help your personal self is exactly what Tony Robbins helped with on that Oprah Lifeclass that I was wanting you to watch. It was very inspiring to see a young guy who had the confidence at his job but not with his fiance.

    If you have that kind of confidence in your professional life there is no reason why you can’t have it everywhere! 🙂


  299.  #299Starla on May 15, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I am finding that the men who are trying to date me right now are not handling it very well that I don’t want to date right now. They are looking for meaning in it that isn’t there. I think this is kind of like how they grumble when we give them the no-gf speech and tell them we’re going to keep dating. It’ll be okay.

  300.  #300sophie on May 15, 2012 at 2:58 pm


    I love the kindness and gentleness with which you are treating yourself – I want to show myself the same kindness and gentleness – the toxic man i just left was very into my body and in general i am ok with my body but then in the last arguement just to be mean he said that I didn’t give him enough sex and now he is sleeping with another woman I am feeling very sad in my own body – i feel uncomfortable touching myself or being in touch with my VJ cos it makes me think of him and of them together and of being rejected 🙁 poor our vjs that need gentle loving kindness – i love you vj.

  301.  #301lk on May 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm


    awwwww go go go : ))) yayyy : )

  302.  #302sophie on May 15, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Radlove – thanks for the book recommendation – i have read it!!! I have forgotten it though – maybe i’ll look for it again xx Starla – your body comments really just triggered that understanding i now have that maybe in a way i am rejecting of my own body because he has been rejecting of it – i am going to be loving with my body

  303.  #303sophie on May 15, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    yay!!!! Calypso sounds exciting and fun 🙂

  304.  #304Love Actually on May 15, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    ((((290: Starla))))

    I have hair where western culture says it ‘shouldn’t’ be on a woman also.
    When I met SR, I was totally unkempt and he didn’t seem to care except if I asked him to pleasure me in ways that it would be uncomfortable for him…lol!

    I have found waxing to be the best so far – wish I had bucks for lasering, I hear its even better. I’m excited for you to feel 100% comfortable.

  305.  #305Ella on May 15, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Radlove if you see this I sent you a FB message.


  306.  #306lk on May 15, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    one thing i’m noticing about feeling like i’m “struggling”….. every single moment, when i’m “trying” I can feel myself moving forward toward what i want ! it’s re-assuring (((lk))) (((ladies))) (((men))) : )

  307.  #307Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    RadLove I am feeling so inspired and energized by your comments

  308.  #308Daria on May 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    wow im realizing how much it boosted my self esteem as a kid to be a good fighter
    i really trusted myself to be superman up until i noticed myself not taking steps to crush all affronts

    then i judged myself as weak

    so it felt great to be that physically able

    and also limited as far as, when i didn’t use that tool, i felt worthless and bad

    i cam out really strong minded with the knowledge of having that tool

    i knew i was a strong person

    strong warrior

    and that DID give me self esteem, to not give myself away sexually for example

    i was a hard and sure of myself person

    i knew i can count on me in case im really threatened

    i didnt build other tools


    now that i can see why one Wouldnt want to punch somone that is triggering them, im building new tools

    in a way the inadequacy of the toher tool hleped me to find new tools
    nd the adequacy of it helped me have self esteem

    like, trust myself


    it was my call to power, karate kid

    power thru dominating force

    power thru being invincible


    better faster stronger more amazing than the rest

    how to solve conflit – yell or hit until the other person gives up/loses

  309.  #309Daria on May 15, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    the wise caring gentle giant part of me didnt want to crush everyone

    i feel resentful of him/her that i felt so much worthlessness in conflict due to my not using my tool

    and also glad of him her that i have this level of compassiona nd awareness

    id like some more healing an dacceptance now

  310.  #310Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 3:44 pm


    294 – Interrrresting! I will definitely have to watch it! Thanks!

  311.  #311Francesca on May 15, 2012 at 3:44 pm


    Awesome about the new job! Congrats!

  312.  #312Silver Moonbeam on May 15, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    #212 Radlove


    BIG BIG congratulations!!! Oohh I see such good things happening for you from now on Missie. 😀

  313.  #313Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 3:59 pm


    303 – Thank you! I just never made that connection before between my professional self and my personal self. That is a big thing I like about this blog: it brings subtle, internal things to the surface and helps me see them in black and white!

    It’s very interesting for me to observe…I mean this is striking me like a revelation! My professional self is well developed from a lifetime of working, and it represents my boy energy!

    My girl energy is the lil girl who was so damaged; submerged; put down. She is the one who is in intensive care here on Siren Island. She has been palsied; withered; decrepit. This past three years, she has been steadily coming back to life as my boy energy nurtures her and gives her recognition and a voice.


  314.  #314Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    She has fallen, but she is getting back up. And she will be more beautiful and whole than her former self!

  315.  #315Starla on May 15, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    my very close friend is suddenly on the operating table this afternoon getting his gall bladder unexpectedly removed and hearing that he likely has tumors in his liver.

    And I feel fine.

    Am I evil? I’m not at all worried. And I wonder if it’s because lately I have been feeling drained by the friendship, because he always has something he’s complaining about. And all my energy has been used up on his crying wolf?

    I figure I’ll worry when they confirm the existence of tumors.

  316.  #316Francesca on May 15, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Calypso @293

    Sounds great!!

  317.  #317Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:14 pm



  318.  #318Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 4:16 pm



  319.  #319Sassy on May 15, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Congrats Radlove. The only way from here on out-is UP!!!!

  320.  #320Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Thanks, Sassy!

  321.  #321Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 5:38 pm


    Thank you! I read your message and I’ll respond soon. I feel resistant to logging out of my main facebook account, LOL.

  322.  #322blue rose on May 15, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    #17: ReceivingGirl

    “Blue Rose – You are welcome. May I ask, why are you still entertaining meeting up with him when he thinks what you want is boring?

    Btw, it’s not boring. I want exactly the same thing. Just because you are not bootying around town, doesn’t mean it is destined to be boring.”

    Hi ReceivingGirl!

    I see him as practice. I notice he is triggering me in so many ways, but I believe he has a good heart. He is something different for me physically – a little on the chubby side.

    I see a million opportunities to tell him what I want and how I feel, instead of stuffing it down – partly because I’m not super attracted to him and so not afraid of being rejected. if he disappears tomorrow I’d be sad, but I believe I could pick myself up and walk away.

    The ‘boring” comment was I think half joking. he wanted me to say something raunchy, but that is really what I’d like! monogamy!

    and the little bit i have practiced with him, well, he seemed receptive to listen. now the next part is sticking to my boundaries and tossing his ass out if he can’t listen.

    also i haven’t been w a guy in ages, and i could use some practice in that way too – hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

  323.  #323Daria on May 15, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    omg this Brad Yates tapping on identity from the Tapping Summit is hella freakin workin for me!

    im doing just by numbers and takin it down notch by notch and ive already cleared some stuff that feels MAJOR for me

    like the identity i had that im not a person who stands up as well for myself, the way id o for others

    yeah right!

    HA i DO!

    and i AM

    i feel so delighted and loved (by ME!!) and worthy and honorfull!!

  324.  #324Daria on May 15, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    (((((Radlove))))) big things are moving for us babe!

  325.  #325Daria on May 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    #TeamHealLoneliness 🙂

  326.  #326Daria on May 15, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Starla – i would also tap on my insecurities about what i don’t feel comfortable with in my body

    that may go a long way along with the Outside in work of grooming and shaping

    wihout the inner work, its possible to develop NEw fixations to focus on

    i remember covering my arm hair in 8th grade, to the point that i would sit with my hands on my forearms, and pretend i had a tummy ache at PE

    on the last day of school i saw the popular girl had more and darker arm hair than me… and my insecurity vanished!

    there were others that came to replace them… im still healing the ‘my butt is too small one’

    (its not now, but no matter what ppl say, that belief is still holdign on)

    I want to groom myself more too! I LOVE poofy nani hair,

    i’td feel good to have it trimmed when i want it and the bottom stuff waxed.

    PS – i really recommend using the lunar chart for when to take off hair

    i didn’t with laser, and i got MORE hair on the inside of my thighs and near my booty than before!

    Not what i was going for. on the other hand, following the chart has led to a huge reduction in the amount and speed of my leg hair growth with shaving

  327.  #327siren song on May 15, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    I looove brad yates! I belong to his tappers club.

    I’m leaning back like crazy. Guy who loves me sent an email about leonard cohen to me first thing this morning. He knows I love cohen. That felt nice to receive.

    Chatting with a bunch of guys and have 2 dates lined up for the next week. And I’m having a housewarming party. I’d been waiting to rent my place out so I could move in with guy who loves me. Guess it’s time to celebrate staying my place! (For now…)

  328.  #328siren song on May 15, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Congrats, radlove!

  329.  #329LiliBee on May 15, 2012 at 6:08 pm



    I haven’t laughed this loud in I don’t know how long! lololololol 😀

  330.  #330Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    “it seems none of her business what he was doing during the time he was
    single…(as in the story)”

    Of course if a man is single (not committed) that’s a whole other story…

    Rori generally advocates sexual exclusivity (unless a woman doesn’t care about that, but clearly this woman did care).

    I just wouldn’t want to be in a committed relationship with a man who has sex with other women during times of conflict. That’s just me though. Everyone can choose what kind of relationship they want. I just feel better with men who deal with conflict differently than that.

  331.  #331Daria on May 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    omg! im feeling so joyful!

    ijust created my identity as joyful

    i already did have that as my identitiy some and nwo it feels even more phowerful

    its my dad’s birthday woo hoo


    i cleared my identity as not someone appreciated by my family,

    not good w money,

    and also that one i mentioned bout not standing up for myself as well as for others

    it feels so lovely!

  332.  #332Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Radlove, congratulations on the job!!!! I haven’t found your post about it yet, but I’ve read lots of congratulations. 🙂


  333.  #333Daria on May 15, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Lucy – i didnt get that this was ‘a time of conflict’

    i got that “they were not together or committed at this time”

    personally *I* would like to feel comfortable myself to consider myself not committed at such a time

    i wouldnt want my partner to judge me for dating and having sex during that time that i have no agreement of exclusivity with them

  334.  #334Daria on May 15, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    I guess ‘when we weren’t talking’ triggered me differently than Lucy

    it doesn’t seem that the two above have discussed and agreed on exclusivity

    so really the guy could very well engage in sex with other women even when they ARE talking!

  335.  #335LiliBee on May 15, 2012 at 6:21 pm


    OMG!!! I found it! RADLOVE!!!

    I had read about your interview and I’ve been here looking all over for the news!
    I read all the congrats, but I was searching like crazy to see the original news straight from you!
    It’s such a joy to read!!!

    You held on to your selfworth and got the best paying one eeeever!!!


    I feel such JOY reading about your success Radlove! 🙂

  336.  #336Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    “I had looked through his emails and saw that he contacted a massage therapist in hopes of a happy ending when we weren’t talking.”

    In my experience, “when we weren’t talking” usually refers to a time of “conflict.”

    The whole situation sounded to me like they were in a committed relationship.

    I guess it would be helpful to know for sure what they had decided together and committed to. Otherwise we are all just guessing or basing it on our own interpretations of the words used.

  337.  #337ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Sirens, what do you think? Should I take off the feature on POF which says not to show I viewed their profile and let Mr. Observant know I viewed his profile or should I just wait and see what happens at my party on Sat.

    Is it weird or do I let him know I saw him and I’m also on POF without really saying anything? I guess that’s basically my question.

  338.  #338Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Sure, if there’s no agreement to exclusivity, either one of them can have sex with someone else- even if they are married.

  339.  #339Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Aw Jilly, I love this:

    “Lucy..I agree…I want monogamy and it feels warm, soft, comforting and safe to
    me. Feels like home. I am living the relationship of my dreams right now, it
    feels magical like a fairy tale :)”

    So happy to hear about your fairy tale!!

  340.  #340ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    @257 Love Actually

    Your FM feels nice to me.

  341.  #341ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    @262 Daria

    I will never again date a man who is waiting until marriage for sex. That is what my ex-husband told me, but it was a big fat lie. He was really gay and didn’t want to be found out.

  342.  #342LiliBee on May 15, 2012 at 6:43 pm



    Thank you so much for your encouragement.
    It has helped me such a great deal on here throughout my growth.
    I feel the love and joy beaming out of me!
    That has been the dominant feeling in me lasting for 2.5 months now…even after a 2-year relationship ended in a bad way…even before reuniting.
    That wonderful feeling is coming from within me.

    That’s what the vibe is! I got it! and more and more people are wanting to be around me!

    I feel so loved, appreciated and cherished…not only by a man, but by myself and by my friends, even by my coworkers.

    Dominique, I’m finally getting the body connection thing too!
    My body has been feeling so light and energetic!

  343.  #343ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    @317 Blue Rose

    Ahh…I get it! 🙂

  344.  #344Brandylion on May 15, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    I re-posted and revised my POF profile last night using Daria’s suggestions from last week. I selected that I want to date, but nothing serious. I have gotten seven men who want to “meet” me, and not a single message! I feel surprised and bummed!

    Most of those men who want to “meet” me have selected “I want to be in a relationship.” Have I set myself up to be matched on POF to the wrong crowd (i.e. men who are really just looking for casual sex but won’t solicit intimate encounters)? I feel confused.

  345.  #345Queenbee on May 15, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Huge confession: after 2 years I finally agreed to teach HAman. He’s been wanting it but I didn’t have my studio set up. Then we got involved and then the mess of feelings so I said no. Anyway, I always feel like I doing it (as in teaching him) when I hear him play. So I decided to do it coz I feel I can handle it… I suppose.

    I feel a bit nervous, but I’m sure once I get going it will be fine.

    Thing is – I don’t know what I want with him right now If he is never going to step up then there’s no point. I feel bored. I only needed someone to kiss and hug me every now and then to take the pressure off having no one 🙁 But I also feel eager to have him out of my life like that will open up the possibility of someone new/ love coming in.

    For a man who never asked me out on the weekend, it’s way too much for him to expect me to even want let alone initiate anything with him.

    I felt insecure and icky. I feel like he is some kind of idiot… wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Yikes!

    He will pay me for my classes and when he’s done, I will gently usher him out. No making out with me, after all I don’t make out with my students. And honestly I don’t feel good about it. I know Rori talks about switching hats, but I just don’t feel good.

    Perhaps, I’m being closed off. My experience is I don’t feel good about a man who doesn’t ask me out on the weekends. It shows that he is not that into me or could be having someone else. Why would I bother to lean forward or initiate anything. What is there to give back if I’m not being watered in a way that feels good and secure to me.

    What an idiot. I feel so ickified by him.

    Good riddance!

    I feel selfish and don’t want to share my talent with him. I want to heal this.

    Feeling sad…

    Feeling bad…

    Feeling like a loser for having this going on so long…

    Babysteps along the way…

    Feeling mad…

    I love myself.


  346.  #346Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Receiving girl…336…omg am i gay? I want to wait for my husband…makes the sex hotter and i find it so painful to negotiate are we f***friends?
    Are we lovers?
    Is there a difference?
    Am I getting used for sex?
    Am I using him for sex?
    Why do I feel so possessive when we are just “seeing” each other?
    Why can my head tell me that everything is cool, sex is just nothing and doesnt mean anything when my heart tells me that I want to be made love to?
    gosh i sound sappy…lol

    How do you guys deal with all this stuff?

  347.  #347Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Heres a hint for computer users….If you press control and “f” then a search bar comes up at the top of your computer and you can search your favorites sirens posts of the day….like type in daria and it will say 1 out of 10 or something and then press up and down and the comp. will jump to her name!
    In case, you guys dont know…if you do already, lol ignore my post….

  348.  #348LiliBee on May 15, 2012 at 7:11 pm



    I love your honest deep processing!

    That’s the way I got to feeling more and more comfortable with myself and beautiful.

    I got to the point where I just said to myself “heck, we’re all f’n human! so f it!”

    I used to be so uptight with my body, and I’d found exactly what you said about myself:

    “There are some things about my body that I don’t like, and I realize that I’ve been shutting down sexually because I don’t like them. I falsely require full emotional commitment and security from a man, not so that i can feel safe to sleep with him, but feel safe to know he won’t dump me because i’ve got some major imperfections going on with my body. It’s not ACTUALLY about the sex.”

    That is exactly why I was so uptight about s3x.

    With D, that uptightness all went out the window.

    I was b’ck nak3d once, standing up, I commented looking at my yony “fascinating how it’s starting to sag with age”.
    He was staring at me with this wide grin face lit up like a xmas tree like I’m the most beautiful gift he ever saw and said “I’ve never ever had a gf who is so comfortable with her body and not afraid to show all of it, what a turn on!”

    So I feel pretty good seeing you on this track sister siren!
    We change and enhance what we can, but what we cannot: accept it and love it. That is so attractive, and it feels so freeing and peaceful.

    The ‘safeness’ I find I need now to have s3x, is about me feeling safe with myself that I will be OK and know how to take care of myself whatever the outcome.
    If it doesn’t feel good, then it means to me that I am emotionally vulnerable, I know myself and where I’m at at the moment, I know I won’t be up to handling emotional turmoil…so I pass.

  349.  #349LiliBee on May 15, 2012 at 7:15 pm


    Than You so much Jessie! 🙂

    I’ve been secretly wishing for a way to search through the thread…like I was reading forever trying to get to Radlove’s news earlier.

  350.  #350Femininewoman on May 15, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Daria today is my fathers birthday too. We just finished partying.

  351.  #351ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Haha…nevermind, Mr. Observant just added me as a Favorite 🙂 And he messaged me “see you on Saturday!” I replied, “Hey, yes, see you on Saturday! LOL I like being a favorite.” Then, I added him as a favorite.

    Jessie – No, I just had a pretty bad experience and cannot trust a man who is waiting for marriage. My baggage 🙁

  352.  #352Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:24 pm


    322 – Yes! Thanks!

  353.  #353Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Siren Song and Lucy,

    Thank you! Lucy, my job is a skip and a hop from your house!!!

  354.  #354Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Receiving Girl…SOunds awful but isnt it better to break up cause he likes men than because he didnt like you?

    My second husband flat out told me he didnt like me.

    Then he told me was going to take his son (3 months old) and give him to his mother to raise in the MIddle East because i would never be able to raise his son the way HE likes….what a dou*** bag….NOT EVEN A LOL possible situation

    I pictured doing evil and violent things to him.

    I just woke up the next day, went to my lawyer, filed for divorce and custody…got it immediately and kicked his ass out….done within a few days.

    LOL five years later this guy asked to take my son to his brothers wedding in NY and would please give him permission to get a passport for his bro.s wedding and please dont play any games???!!!

    I told him….Bitch please….dream on….the nerve eh?

    Not saying my bad experience equals your bad experience but somehow I find a perverse pleasure in hearing that Im not the only one that has been tricked, fooled, lied to or used for some reason cause i think i dont feel so alone

    Im so sorry that happened to you recieving girl….I hope you are happy now and wow, that would have broke my heart!


  355.  #355Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:30 pm


    349 = Searching the thread:

    Press Control + F

    Type your search word

    Click the up or down arrow

    Search away!

  356.  #356Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Receiving Girl…SOunds awful but isnt it better to break up cause he likes men than because he didnt like you?

    My second husband flat out told me he didnt like me.

    Then he told me was going to take his son (3 months old) and give him to his mother to raise in the MIddle East because i would never be able to raise his son the way HE likes….what a dou*** bag….NOT EVEN A LOL possible situation

    I pictured doing awful things to him.

    I just woke up the next day, went to my lawyer, filed for divorce and custody…got it immediately and kicked his a** out….done within a few days.

    LOL five years later this guy asked to take my son to his brothers wedding in NY and would please give him permission to get a passport for his bro.s wedding and please dont play any games???!!!

    I told him….Bi*** please….dream on….the nerve eh?

    Not saying my bad experience equals your bad experience but somehow I find a perverse pleasure in hearing that Im not the only one that has been tricked, fooled, lied to or used for some reason cause i think i dont feel so alone

    Im so sorry that happened to you recieving girl….I hope you are happy now and wow, that would have broke my heart!


  357.  #357Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:31 pm


    347 – Oops, I see I just gave repeat on doing searches.

  358.  #358Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:38 pm


    355 – How sad! I have heard of several situations where men from the Middle East used women to get a green card and to bear children, who would then have US citizenship, and then took the children to raise them in the Middle East. This is not an isolated case.

    In particular, we were acquainted with such a family with 5 children. Their mother was broken hearted. She would probably never see her children again. These same people owned a restaurant. My friend was in the restaurant the morning of the 9-1-1 attacks. When the restaurant staff saw the plane hit the building, a cheer went up from the kitchen.

  359.  #359Lucy on May 15, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Radlove, wow, that’s great that your job is near me!

  360.  #360Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:41 pm



    I feel such JOY reading about your success Radlove! ”

    LOL! Partyyy! Thanks so much! That makes me feel happy!

  361.  #361ReceivingGirl on May 15, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Jessie – Yes, it would have been if he had. I found out on my own after I did some investigating because my husband wasn’t interested in having sex with his wife. He was actually bragging to other gay men online as to how he “pulled the wool over my eyes”. It was disgusting really.

    Sorry to hear about your story too. Both of them are not nice things to go through.

    I have to say, I felt every emotion in the book all at the same time. We had a 400 guest wedding, was given tons of gifts, people didn’t know what to say or think, I couldn’t return any of the gifts (judges orders) and throughout the whole thing, he never even admitted to it. Told people bad things about me, etc. I couldn’t even show it in the court papers. I wanted to in case he tried this with another woman, but no such luck.

    It really sucks when people are outright deceptive!

    Hugs to you!!

  362.  #362Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    I start June 29th, so that gives me about two weeks to get organized and prepared. I want to color my hair, get my eyebrows waxed, get a pedicure, polish my shoes, and get more on fruits and vegetables to hopefully generate some more energy. I want to start going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. It will be a challenging commute, 1 hr 15 min each way. It isn’t ideal, but maybe I can find a shortcut.

    I have a lot of goals for my home, too, and I hope to take a lot of things either to Goodwill or to yard sale. I could go on, but I’m still formulating my priorities for the next two weeks. I wish I could afford a little mini vacation. With the new job, I may not have a vacation for a long time to come.

  363.  #363Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:54 pm


    249 – I just used my quote you posted with a man!!

    I was in touch with CO months ago. He just looked me up again a couple nights ago. We still haven’t met. He just told me he was dating a woman but she wanted to sleep with him. He told me he couldn’t unless he wants to belong to that person.

    So I wrote back with that quote, saying I feel the same way! Thank you so much!

  364.  #364Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    I feel overwhelmed at all the love I feel on here today! Thank you all so much for caring about me!

  365.  #365Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    He just wrote, “BEAUTIFUL RADLOVE” in the subject line of his email!

  366.  #366LoveAlways on May 15, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    How can you reach a man’s heart if he’s not looking for love?

  367.  #367Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 8:12 pm


  368.  #368Brandylion on May 15, 2012 at 8:13 pm


    #362: I feel warm and fuzzy reading this. You are welcome! 🙂

  369.  #369Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Love Always,

    I feel curious…why do you want to reach a man’s heart who is not looking for love?

  370.  #370Starbright on May 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    radlove – Congrats on the new job!

    Do you begin may 29 or june 29?

  371.  #371Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    CO just emailed me, “I’ don’t have a man already,you are a very loving and compassionate woman.”

    Today is my day! This came out of the blue. I had long since given up on him after he never followed through on meeting me.

    This really helps my self esteem. It really took a blow with R.

  372.  #372Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    I wonder why canned green beans taste so much better than frozen, cooked green beans?

  373.  #373T-Girl on May 15, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Oooh, congrats Radlove! I can hear the excitement and happiness in your posts.

  374.  #374CurvySiren10 on May 15, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Very happy to hear about your job Radlove! All the best!! Hoping this is a wonderful fresh start for you!

  375.  #375Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    T-Girl and Curvy Siren,

    Thank you! It already is a wonderful fresh start, yes! I am not going to be trapped in the patterns my life has set for me.

  376.  #376Brandylion on May 15, 2012 at 9:05 pm


    #371: Salt. Unless you got the no sodium added cans of beans, I bet the sodium content is higher than in a package of frozen beans. Salt does enhance the flavor of so many things so very well!

  377.  #377Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    back from car shopping with Alaska — it was a total bust.
    I got to see Alaska’s house and I really enjoyed myself there. I felt super relaxed there and in his company… I like how much HE relaxed in his own home… it’s nice to see a more relaxed side of him. He was very sweet to me, thank you Alaska.

    I found myself actually feeling turned on by him! Wow!

    Feeling grateful to still be ‘alive’ in that way, haha.

  378.  #378Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    But I salt the frozen ones after I cook them. Maybe it’s because they are more tender. I usually leave them a little crunchier. But the flavor itself seems better.

  379.  #379Radlove on May 15, 2012 at 9:20 pm


    Yay! What is the definition of it was a total bust?

    Clearly you had a good time, but beyond that, does it carry a certain meaning?

  380.  #380Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    LiliBee, thank you for your post to me:)

  381.  #381Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Radlove, I had an appointment with a specific salesperson to look at a specific car. But when I got there, he wasn’t there. I had even called his manager before we got there to let them know I was running a few minutes late but was almost there, and he said it’s okay, he knows you’re coming but I’ll text him to let him know you’re on your way. But yeah, he actually wasn’t there. So we sat down with a different salesman, who told me the car I wanted had been sold and was just waiting for the new owner to come back with the rest of the payment! It was sold even before I made an appointment to see it specifically!

  382.  #382Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    omg seriously, they posted an ad for it at 3:15 today on craigslist even though it was sold yesterday. they need to communicate with each other better.

    They even called the guy who bought the car I want, to double check that he would come back to pay the rest, right in front of me. This car is so hard to find… I hope he decides not to buy it and they call me telling me he fell through.

  383.  #383Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Daria, I found a laser place that works great. It’ll never work on my ‘down there hair’ because it’s completely red/blond, which the last laser place i went to didn’t bother telling me! I paid soooo much money to them to do something that just hurt and removed no hair.

    The hair that grows in places it shouldn’t on my body is jet black, though. It’s not jet black anywhere else… it’s barely even brown. Soooo weird.

  384.  #384Starla on May 15, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    It feels very very good to talk about this stuff with other people. This is my “deep dark secret” that I hide at all costs, like it were a murder or something! I feel like having excess body hair makes me as weird and undesirable as a murderer, seriously! Like if my guy found out, he would feel disappointed about committing to a hairy gross woman. That feels awful to think about. And its a lot of pressure and I’ve never been able to have a normal sex life because of it.

    I wonder why it took so long for me to be honest with myself about why i was turning down/avoiding sex.

    i want to have lots of glorious sex when i feel like it. i don’t want to have to run to the bathroom with a razor i keep in my purse at all times so i can make sure there aren’t any hairs that decided to appear since I got dressed for the day. I want to be able to just strip and go for it. I feel angry that I haven’t been able to have this.


  385.  #385Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    FeminineWoman – whoa no wonder our father’s tempers seemed similar to me

    Happy Birthday to him.

    It felt nice here too. we leaned back and he took us out to dinner and searched out restaurants i felt smily

  386.  #386Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    im making HUGE cognitive shifts in my thoughts about my godsister . i no longer feel nauseaus and terrified.

    High 5 Daria

  387.  #387Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    Radlove – that feels triggering. Im judging your words as racist (and furthermore ‘bad’).


    I wonder what this showed up for me to heal

  388.  #388Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Radlove – i heard the us army dropped bombs and people in the middle east died. then the americans dropping bombs cheered!

  389.  #389Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Brandylion – yes, you are shooting youreself in the foot… i would check all categories including and especially looking for relationship

    also, make sure you’re using your most glamorous photos… not the most ‘interesting’ that show fun facets of you covered with mud hiking or something…

    but the most professional and glamorous

  390.  #390Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    sorry for arguing Lucy and Radlove

  391.  #391Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    I feel angry and a touch of hoplessness, oh no, sadness around the ‘vioelnt cultural clash’ comment

    its only a TOUCH of i thoguh… like a whisper of what it ‘usually’ used to be

    this tapping ive been doing feels solid in shifting my way of being

  392.  #392Daria on May 15, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    ok i still feel sad 🙁

  393.  #393Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:00 pm


    it is not ok to talk to ‘these people’ about that

    beliefs and voices coming up

    keep that in the family

    you can get gov-napped an impriznd

    dont talk to other poeple

    kckin in the door w the boots and the guns and dragging u away

    is that wat u want

    mind spins away now

    I want to heal this… and i will!!

  394.  #394Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    I am SUCH an AMAZING person!

    i feel so interested in myself!

  395.  #395Silver Moonbeam on May 15, 2012 at 11:13 pm


    I can SO relate to what you are saying about job interviews vs dating sites.

    Maybe because we both have more confidence in our employment skills than in our man skills?

  396.  #396Radiant Rising on May 15, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    387 – Daria I am with you on this post. I feel really angry at reading that about Middle Easterns. I have seen just as plenty of disrespect on the other side. Oooh I feel livid and beside myself! Hot molten lava enfusing my entire flesh! Why did I come on the blog tonight!?


  397.  #397Silver Moonbeam on May 15, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I was just contacted on POF by a man saying he liked my profile and I seemed kind and feminine 🙂 when I clicked on his profile he was dressed as a woman with a long blonde wig on!!

    I am sure I didn’t ask the Universe to send me cross dressers. 😉

  398.  #398Radiant Rising on May 15, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    Down with labeling, down with painting people with one broad stroke brush, down with pigeon holing a whole group of people.

    I choose to see past negative stories of individuals
    I choose to look beyond the categorization of a whole group of people.

    We are all human, we love, we laugh, we cry…I replace these stories of Middle Eastern people cheering at the demise of people by looking at my ME neighbors across the street, always warm, inviting, hospitable with a house full of food sharing with others even when they don’t have much.

    I feel protective of them

    I feel defensive of their hearts

    (((HUMAN RACE)))

    It is okay, NVs. Here’s a cookie.

    Yes NVs, everyone deserves hugs and love and I honor your desire to experience that for all of us.

  399.  #399Silver Moonbeam on May 15, 2012 at 11:41 pm

    #344 Brandylion

    “Most of those men who want to “meet” me have selected “I want to be in a relationship.” Have I set myself up to be matched on POF to the wrong crowd (i.e. men who are really just looking for casual sex but won’t solicit intimate encounters)? I feel confused.”

    IMO this is a pretty useless feature on POF, it is the part where there is a picture shown and the man (or woman) has 3 options

    Would you like to meet Brandylion?


    That’s all. I have been on and off the dating sites for some time now, I just keep shutting down my profile and re-opening it. I have over 400 meet me’s yet as far as I know not one of these men have contacted me (but you can only see 50 of them unless you pay.) Another feature is favourites, I have had a lot of men make me a favourite yet none of them have ever contacted me either!!!

    Go figure, I think it’s just like a game to some men………and women.

  400.  #400Radiant Rising on May 15, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    Taking care of myself and going to bed now…

    I feel triggered at being triggered

    Eff you triggers no, I don’t love you.

    I hate being triggered.

    I feel great saying that and I love my hate for triggers. Stupid trigger I hate you and I kick you in the shins a thousand times and feel great doing it and.

    Now I feel great walking away. Thank you trigger…I still don’t like you.

  401.  #401Emerson on May 15, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    396 Silvermoon LOL~!!!

  402.  #402Jessie1000 on May 15, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Started kickboxing tonight! It was super fun and I was dripping at the end of the class. Then, went to the gym and did shoulders with my Beau…OMG such a good work out.

    Training again has changed my vibe. I feel less dependant and Im sure that it is a cozy gym with lots of chances to meet other people.

    I feel more focused on me and less on my singleness.

    Tonight I could feel my vibe change with my Beau. I had more energy and adrenaline at the gym. I joked alot more and showed off doing more weights than usual instead of being all dragged out and down

    Then when I got home, the Beau texted and said a couple of times that I looked cute and was sparkling tonight….which I was but from the inside.

    The club is only 85.00 a month for 6 days of classes.
    I used to spend that and more on drinking beer and feeling sorry for myself lol less than a year ago.

    I cant believe how good being with a sober guy (he never drinks and didnt since he was 16) feels and how much soberness makes me feel proud as a mother. I was worried that at my last conference I wouldnt have any fun if I didnt drink but it was the opposite…I was fresh and sunny in the mornings when everyone else was dragged out and hungover.

    I wonder if there is anything to look forward to if you dont want to get married or live with a guy?
    What culminates the commitment?
    A ring and no wedding?
    A new car?
    We cant buy a house cause i dont want my kids to ever know anyone I ever go out with again
    Can anyone think of a happy ending where a commitment is made and it doesnt mean I have to have a man physically invade my space (literally and figuratively?)

  403.  #403Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    ((((Radiant Rising))))

  404.  #404Emerson on May 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    380 Starla sounds like bait and switch to me….perhaps “the car” was never there to begin with….

  405.  #405Daria on May 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    Jessie – i would think its your fears running you that you dont want a relationship where you live with a man. I would CHOOSE to heal that and allow myself to believe something wonderful is possible for me and want it

    there is of course, the possibility of dating and living apart and just having a romance where you see each other regularly

    that might feel fulfilling for a few people (i recall Rori talking about how this might work for people late in life, thinking late 70s and 80s here)

  406.  #406Radiant Rising on May 15, 2012 at 11:59 pm


    Thank you for the hugs. I feel heard, loved and cared for. Good night.

  407.  #407Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:02 am

    I feel curious about a guy starting to like me while observing me in my boy energy because we met while I’m at work!

    I do make a conscious effort to switch to fem as much as possible when I talk to him one on one and tell him feeling messages and waterwheeling and let him do stuff for me… 🙂 He is super sweet!!!

    And then I noticed something!!! All of a sudden all these guys around me started trying to do stuff for me too! It’s contagious and funny and cute (((men)))

    I have imagined thaty perhaps when they see me openly receiving in feminine energy, they think to themselves “aw look that woman is willing to receive! How exciting I want to give to her too! Look what I can give to you beautiful woman!”

    Oh and the guy that is crushing on me called me beautiful!! Awww so sweet!!!

  408.  #408Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Hmm I feel curious about him liking me in my boy energy and then also liking me in my girl energy…for example if we were dating would he still like me if I was not so “boy” outside of work? Or is that what he is drawn to?

    I hope I can find out. I KNOW he likes me but he has not made a move…prob cuz the whole work related thing…but I have a feeling he will!!!

  409.  #409Daria on May 16, 2012 at 12:20 am

    I find men like me in boy energy IF its not directed towards them

    it comes out more like “passion” and “passion stories”

    it STILL gets disconnected for me though sometimes if im creating and working and

    i forget about him or include him or get distracted from him

    then i have to ease into girl energy again – its ME that feels different!

    and from me it can pop off the whole domino if i turn the boy energy towards him or towards “what happens next right now on the date”


    i am getting a ‘glimmer’ of awareness this pattern in myself

    esp the ‘what are we going to do next”

    my boy energy shoots in there and gets me feeling all tight and anxious


  410.  #410Tiffany on May 16, 2012 at 12:28 am

    Wait – hang on. ReceivingGirl, did I read this right? (#38):

    “I have this problem. I’ve been eating healthy since last Oct.”…

    Ummm…excuse me, what’s the problem? lol. You’ve been eating healthy! That’s a great thing!! The fact that your body is getting sick after binging on crappy food is not telling you that there is something wrong with your eating habits. Your body is telling you that it doesn’t like junky food anymore!

    So my suggestion is a middle-road type of way. When you go to a party, if you feel like eating some chips or munchies, just keep it to a small amount. And mix it with some healthy stuff, like veggies. Just don’t go overboard. Listen to your body.

    Eating healthy is NOT a problem!!!

    lol 🙂

  411.  #411Tiffany on May 16, 2012 at 12:28 am

    Wait – hang on. ReceivingGirl, did I read this right? (#38):

    “I have this problem. I’ve been eating healthy since last Oct.”…

    Ummm…excuse me, what’s the problem? lol. You’ve been eating healthy! That’s a great thing!! The fact that your body is getting sick after binging on crappy food is not telling you that there is something wrong with your eating habits. Your body is telling you that it doesn’t like junky food anymore!

    So my suggestion is a middle-road type of way. When you go to a party, if you feel like eating some chips or munchies, just keep it to a small amount. And mix it with some healthy stuff, like veggies. Just don’t go overboard. Listen to your body.

    Eating healthy is NOT a problem!!!

    lol 🙂

  412.  #412Tiffany on May 16, 2012 at 12:31 am

    oops – double post.

    And p.s. drink lots of water! It helps with digestion : )

  413.  #413Tiffany on May 16, 2012 at 12:33 am

    emerson – yay! I feel smiley reading your posts. 🙂

  414.  #414Daria on May 16, 2012 at 12:37 am

    I JUST REALIZED THAT THE “AT HOME” feeling with Guywho came from ME and that i likely will experience that feeling even more with ANYONE i get close to!


    this whole time i thought i was tasting his energy!

    and iw as tasting ‘Darian intimacy’

    facilitated by him

    i can choose that feeling anytime now!

    omg it felt so deeply restful and refreshing

  415.  #415Tiffany on May 16, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Brandylion – 195: I think you’re right! A man’s scent (i.e. his natural body smell, even when – or especially when – he’s sweating) can be a total turn-on. But if it smells “bad” then that seems to indicate that something doesn’t match up….Here’s to hoping that you find another pleasant-smelling man! : )

  416.  #416Daria on May 16, 2012 at 12:38 am

    tapping on “hes the ONLY one the only only only one”


    i might edit this to a 2 min or so clip to share with the sirens

  417.  #417Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:41 am

    Thanks Tiffany! 🙂 I feel happy seeing your name!!

    Daria I like what you said here!!! It clarifies for me….
    “I find men like me in boy energy IF its not directed towards them
    it comes out more like “passion” and “passion stories” ”

    Yes, it’s not directed at him in particular…good point!! But..when I was interacting with him one on one I may have been in boy energy at first when I was not aware that he like me but now I’m so aware and I’m “encouraging” it by switching to girl energy (most of the time) and he’s so dreamy on me it’s adorable!

    He’s not “conventionally” cute but he is handsome and I find myself attracted to his attentive nature toward me and attracted to how sweet he is!! I actually caught myself daydreaming about him on my way home like we were getting intimate OMG!!!
    Lately my energy has been so transparent, maybe he will sense this! I kinda hope so hee hee!!!

    Part of my energy that feels “boy” is asking for help like “Can you please help so and so with this or help me with this??” And he literally JUMPS at the chance to help me!!

    Hmm it maybe just expressing need for help and really is “girl”….

  418.  #418Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:45 am

    I had to kind of avoid him for a while today because I was feeling turned on 😀

  419.  #419Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:48 am

    413 Daria OMG that is amazing! I love that!
    I am going to remind myself of that too!!!

    I’ve experienced that “at home” feeling as well…with Recycled and with one or two men…and it felt so special but you’re right it comes from ME!! That feels so exciting to realized. Yay

  420.  #420Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:55 am

    I’ve still been procrastinating on doing any tapping lately. I want to though.

    I want to tap about sexual energy and fear of intimacy to free up myself to have beautiful trusting intimacy with someone! Wow that sounds so fun. I want it. It would feel so amazing to have that with someone and share that moment. I am feeling a strong desire for this!!!!!

    Super scary for me and profound!!

  421.  #421Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:57 am

    This new guy has me all dreamy and feeling weird!!! He’s soo attentive like way more than REcycled…even though Recycled was that way from time to time….

  422.  #422Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 12:57 am

    I am choosing not to listen to NVs right now

  423.  #423Ella on May 16, 2012 at 2:24 am


    Could I have some help please?

    Just to remind you of the situation for context – last week, after MWC had a drink… and he wasn’t drunk but I left because I felt uncomfortable, and then we talked and I said I felt weird because we had an agreement that I would be exclusive IF he would see someone.

    He has seemed really up for seeing someone but during that talk it came out that he was worried he could not afford it.

    I kinda said ok and the thing is that I feel pretty firm on that part of the agreement. I don’t mind not going on expensive dates. It would feel better to me for this to get addressed.

    Following that the next day he contacted a counselling and addiction service with a good reputation and he worked his finances and said he was able to put enough money aside at least for the initial appointment.

    That was last week and he said he was waiting to hear back from the lady re appointment.

    The problem is it is now a week later, the appointment that was offered is tomorrow, and I have heard nothing more about it.

    I don’t know but I don’t think he is going…

    I feel quite panicky.

    I feel unsure what to do or how to address this.

    I feel like I am constantly bringing up this issue, and of course I am attached to an outcome because I have a boundary that if we are exlcusive he would address this and that would include seeing someone.

    So do I bring this up again and ask him if he is going?

    Isn’t that asking the innocent question?

    Or do I leave it and then if he doesn’t go what? Withdraw?

    That doesn’t feel so good either. We are due to go to my friend’s wedding next week.

    But, we made this agreement, he wanted it… not just me… I have been exclusive and stopped dating… but time is going by and he has not been to see someone.

    I don’t know what to do.

  424.  #424Ella on May 16, 2012 at 2:29 am


    ‘I am feeling a little bit panicky because I am aware that the appointment that was offered in Brighton is tomorrow and I have not heard anymore about it.

    I just wondered if you are still planning to go?’

    Space for answer.

    Stay put or move back depending on how I feel about response.

  425.  #425Sirenity on May 16, 2012 at 3:34 am

    Ella ,

    He is just doing what he is doing, or not.
    You cant change who he his .

    You can change YOU . You can accept or reject behaviors he shows you by continuing or not in the relationship.

    It just feels bad to read that you are requiring him to attend a counselor in order to justify being exclusive.

    He knows what you have discussed. He knows what you “require “. He can be dragged kicking and screaming to a counselor , but that is not the issue. This issue is whether he loves himself enough to deal with his problems.

    He cant be exclusive with you while he has a current primary relationship with a substance. You do know this.

    Its like you were dating a married man. He needs to give up his relationship with alcohol of his own accord , and by his own determination and motivation . If he wishes to do this now , he will.

    What you do about YOU in the meantime is very important.

  426.  #426Daria on May 16, 2012 at 4:30 am

    i feel sad. i love my sadness


    its ok to feel sad, its ok to BE sad

    and its ok to FEEL the sadness

    its ok to feel afraid of being engulfed

    i love my fear of being engulfed

  427.  #427Daria on May 16, 2012 at 4:31 am

    Ella – I agree, there seems to be no healthy reason to be exclusive with this guy right now

  428.  #428Daria on May 16, 2012 at 4:32 am

    that is just a judgement though

  429.  #429Daria on May 16, 2012 at 4:33 am

    feels uncomfortable to me to read about it

  430.  #430Daria on May 16, 2012 at 4:35 am


  431.  #431Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 4:37 am

    Ella the boundary is for yourself not for him. The way you put it reads like an ultimatum, to me, and waiting for the shoe to drop. If it was for you maybe your energy could be focussed toward discussing how the session went and maybe how he felt about the persons competence and what kind of financial assistance they might be offering or payment plan they were able to work out?

    Because of hormonal imbalances a man who is addicted to anything cannot commit. I learned that from Dr. Paul. If I remember correctly it is connected to the hormone vasopressin (spelling).

  432.  #432Daria on May 16, 2012 at 4:38 am


    what feeling is under “oh no what are you doing???”


    i feel panicked an


    an scared

    and judgemental

    i would like to heal this

    freaked out

    oh im feeling really uncomfortable reading about the dynamics in this situation

    it feels icky and i feel disappointed and sad reading about my heroine

    and this situation

    i feel guilty writing that

    i feel exhasperated with myself

    i feel hangy head

    i efelsmily


    i love my hangy head

    it really all still feels like it will be ok

    this feels icky tho

    itd feel so great for this part of the plot to be over already

  433.  #433Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 5:14 am

    Starla about the body hair insecurities, have you considered experimenting with it in your dating of men you don’t like? I am thinking it might be a topic that could make a man experience you as mysterious and intriguing if you use it to build his curiosity. This is something unique about you that a man could very well be very interested in. Who knows he might even be willing to help you get rid of it so he could feel the smooth baby soft skin underneath.

  434.  #434Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 5:20 am

    RE 370 Radlove to comments like that, I am prone to say “Thanks. I feel confident about that and know the man who gets me will wake up each day feeling like the luckiest man alive. I know I have a lot to offer to a relationship so I am taking my time”.

    Or something similar.

  435.  #435Francesca on May 16, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Radlove, I don’t understand why you say you have two weeks to do all that you listed here if you start on June 29th.

    Personally, I see it as a month and two weeks. :/

  436.  #436Sirenity on May 16, 2012 at 5:26 am

    Sorry Ella ,

    I do not want to sound judgmental , But I also feel anxious reading about the importance you are attaching to the appointment. I can feel your anxiety and hope that he will do as you request.

    The thing is , if he does or doesnt go is not actually about the relationship or about his feelings for you. Its about whether he is self driven and self motivated and ready to change his drinking.

    I trust that as a siren you are totally on the lookout for YOU , no matter what he does. Your happiness is up to you , your future is also up to you and whether you choose to have him in it or not is your decision and will not depend on manipulating or pressuring him to get an outcome that you want.

    Lean back . You have stated a boundary around drinking .(That it is unacceptable to you ) Enforce it as needed .(This means state it again and be prepared to move on. It doesnt mean pressuring him to go to addiction counsellors ..that is not boundary setting ..boundaries are about YOUR actions ) ..You know all this .. Be surprised.

  437.  #437ReceivingGirl on May 16, 2012 at 5:55 am

    @409 Tiffany

    Eating healthy is not the problem! LOL The getting sick when I eat what I shouldn’t is. I know, this is the third time it’s happened and I need to watch what I consume at parties.

  438.  #438Daria on May 16, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Thank u Daria for putting me first

    Thank u for acknowledging my feelings…

    Thank u for EFT

    Thank u for brushing my hair before bed

    Thank u for stretching

    Thank you for keeping me up till i felt sleepy

  439.  #439Brandylion on May 16, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Found it! I knew I’d kept that quote about sex confusing things:

    Light Heart wrote, “I want loyalty and commitment with and from the right guy, and the sex might very likely cloud the issue.”

    Now to file it more correctly in my Google docs so I don’t lose it again! 🙂

  440.  #440Daria on May 16, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Receiving girl I would take some apple coder vinegar in water before eating to neutralize foodstuff that could make me sick

  441.  #441siren song on May 16, 2012 at 6:07 am

    FW, good to know about vassopressin…one of my past cds and an ex were both addicts. It felt to hard and confusing to be with them.

  442.  #442ReceivingGirl on May 16, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Thanks for the suggestion Daria. I haven’t quite figured out if it’s the high carbs or the sugar. Maybe both. It’s probably the large amount of food too. I feel fine when I’m eating and don’t feel sick until I wake up in the middle of the night with stomach pains. I have a picky stomach to begin with. I will have to watch myself on Saturday at my party.

  443.  #443Starla on May 16, 2012 at 6:19 am

    FW, that is not a bad suggestion, though I would feel mortified if a guy said he wanted to help me get rid of it (so he could enjoy me better)!! f*ck that!! ahhhh i feel very triggered thinking about that. It still feels like my awful horrible secret.

    They’re also just sparse hairs… just in such a weird place that when they start to grow in, it’s obbbbvious

  444.  #444Starla on May 16, 2012 at 6:21 am

    I woke up very cranky again.

    Now I’m thinking about THREE things when I wake up — CF, Alaska, and car buying.

    I’m really quite irritated:(
    I want to stay in bed all day:(

    I wish I could disappear from the world today! ahhhhhhhhh

  445.  #445Silver Moonbeam on May 16, 2012 at 6:22 am


    Do you have a link to Dr Paul? I tried googling him and got all kinds of Dr Paul this and Dr Paul that.

    Thank you.

  446.  #446T-Girl on May 16, 2012 at 6:28 am

    438 Brandylion,

    I’m a bit behind on the blog but was someone looking for a no sex speach? I saved a great one that LD posted last year:

    “I am a healthy, passionate woman. I feel turned on by you. I WANT to have sex with you, but I don’t feel comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship. I know it will complicate things for me emotionally, and I don’t feel I’m able to handle that yet. What do you think?”

  447.  #447Radlove on May 16, 2012 at 6:31 am


    380 – That sucks! Thanks for explaining.

  448.  #448Radlove on May 16, 2012 at 6:32 am


    434 – Oops, I meant to say May. I start May 29th.

  449.  #449Radlove on May 16, 2012 at 6:38 am


    433 – ““Thanks. I feel confident about that and know the man who gets me will wake up each day feeling like the luckiest man alive. I know I have a lot to offer to a relationship so I am taking my time”.”

    Perfect feeling message! Thank you! What I did say in response to him was, “Thank you, I feel baffled by it too.”

  450.  #450LoveAlways on May 16, 2012 at 6:45 am

    Good Morning Sirens:

    I feel judgmental . . . the guys on the dating sight are all weak energy . . . I don’t feel anything positive or flowing . . . like they are all out to get something . . . this is an chance to heal. Let the waves flow and just carry me. I’m going to get deeper into the feeling . . . I think I’ve been triggered!

  451.  #451Brandylion on May 16, 2012 at 6:47 am

    FW, I feel so intrigued by that info about vasopressin in addicts–doesn’t vasopressin work for men the same way oxytocin does for women, especially when it comes to sex? It makes sense that someone who has a chemical dependency will have harder time bonding to a person if their bonding hormone is messed up!

  452.  #452Tam on May 16, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Regarding the dating sites: I also find that exhausting…and has anyone noticed how much lying goes on there…I mean, one guy made himself 11 years younger. And stated he wanted a relationships, but on deeper conversation admitted that actually, he’d much rather just have fwb….eek. And that was not the only one…sometimes it is easy to think it’s a waste of time, bearly everybody lies about something, so far lots of age liars, people being couch potatoes and pretending they like the outdoors (once a year?). It’s quite exhausting.
    I have no need to lie about my age or my interests to make me more interesting, so I just don’t get it.
    What’s the point?

  453.  #453ulii on May 16, 2012 at 6:59 am


    congratulations from me too! I feel so happy for you!!! 🙂

  454.  #454ulii on May 16, 2012 at 7:13 am

    I need a little bit help with leaning back today.
    At least I need to write here instead of leaning forward… 🙂
    I decided I was way too available for NewZealandCD, being online all the time in skype. So whenever he signs in I’m already there and usually he is the one leaving first, as for the time difference, the night arrives earlier to where he is. And it leaves me feeling somewhat unsettled.
    Also, right now he’s on a trip with his ex, which irritates me quite a bit, as I don’t know their situation (fwb? only friends? still some feelings?) and I don’t want to be “the other woman” he is chatting with while in the same hotel room (and bed?) with her… He has also not answered my long overfunctioning e-mail from 2 days ago. Where I basically expressed the desire to go to him too eagerly. So I’m putting myself invisible mode in skype, and I see him online there (he has said, he uses it mostly to communicate with me only…)..and I feel he is there waiting for me to be online. But I’m choosing to lean back and not let him see me for a while. This is hard to do. As I miss greatly chatting with him… 🙁

  455.  #455ulii on May 16, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Yay! I did it. I didn’t put myself online and while I was writing here he has already signed off. So great for today. Tomorrow there’ll be a new challenge.

    Meanwhile… I have been going jogging almost every day and doing already 7-8km. I feel really good about that, and my body feels firmer & firmer.

  456.  #456Leo on May 16, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Great article…
    I’ve done this to my men. There was a time where he wasnt able to do anything right. When we had a fight, he actually said so. This opened my eyes… cause it meant he truely does want to make me happy. And from this moment…everything changed. Every time our eyes met during the day, I just smiled. Which always made him make contact with me- give me a kiss, hug me or smile back. These things I like, so there were so many moments during the day, he did do things right. Then this whole “problem” changed… I was glad, I “worked it out”.

    Cheers, Leo

  457.  #457light heart on May 16, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Hi ladies,
    can I get some ideas for what to say now ?

    He has not come up with any options and I really don’t want to lean forward. This guy’s inaction is making me lose interest, but at least I am staying open and not closing off. I think there could be some potential

    Him: Do you want to get together Thursday eve then? Would it presumputous to ask if I could stay in your guest room that eve?

    Me: It would be nice to get together for a while on Thursday evening, but I feel uncomfortable with the staying over. Long distance can be a challenge, I know.

    Him:I understand. But I’m afraid about a 2 hour drive at night after I’ve been potentially drinking.

    Me: I understand. Perhaps we can figure out something else. I’m just a gal here, watching out for herself.

    Him: And I’m just a guy who really digs you, and wouldn’t do anything to deliberately screw it up.

    I haven’t responded to this and he has not called me.

    Now what?



  458.  #458light heart on May 16, 2012 at 7:54 am

    451 Tam

    Hi Tam, regarding the dating sites,
    I am a bit disillusioned, too, but am content having fun with it. I’ve met some nice guys but there isn’t any real relationship momentum with any. I met a man who I want to be friends with. We’ve been communicating for weeks and we had a fantastic conversation on Monday. Maybe that is a good way to start. I have difficulties imagining myself in a full-fledged romantic relationship with a stranger after a couple of weeks, although I also know that anything can happen. In general, I now feel best getting to know someone’s character over a period of time.


  459.  #459Holli on May 16, 2012 at 7:55 am

    You women are great! I am so jealous I just now found Rori! This is amazing, truely amazing!

  460.  #460Tam on May 16, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Hi LH
    I think you’ve actually hit the nail on the head there. I now take my time getting to know guys too, and sure there are good ones out there. On occasion I had been so forgiving, as in ‘oh, he lied a little bit, we all do it etc’ but I do think it shows a streak of character when someone is pretending to be something they are not – and the only way to find out is to have conversations, activities, get to know them and not have it go to sexual too soon..and then the hormones blur the vision for a while – I found it works with me, but it is a very difficult thing to do.
    Lately I met the sweetest guy (not internet dating), a very sweet and gentle man….but he talked and talked and talked, and I found it made me so mad, that when he tried to be a little affectionate, i e hold my hand, I just felt like running a mile. He creeped me out. I am not sure whether it was just a mismatch intellectually, or whether nice guys creep me out (I sincerely hope not!!!!!). I just met so many players and insincere men in the last few years, perhaps it is what I like? That thought frightens me…there must be a good guy out there who is intellectually stimulating and whom I also fancy physically or is that hoping for too much?

  461.  #461Tam on May 16, 2012 at 8:04 am

    LH…about the guy not staying over, I feel he should have suggested staying at a Bed and Breakfast or hotel rather than imposing on you LH. He seems to be pushing it….not sure what I would respond, if anything…perhaps that you don’t feel comfortable..hmm

  462.  #462light heart on May 16, 2012 at 8:16 am

    458 Tam

    Tam, i know just what you mean about getting mad when they talk and talk and talk, and then feeling creeped out when they try to get affectionate, even if it seems like a nice guy. I try to give them benefit of the doubt, like maybe they are nervous or something…but….if they don’t show that they are interested in me, as a person, by asking some nice questions first, with sincere interest in getting to know who I am and what I’m about, then I too, get turned off by affectionate advances.

    Tam says: “I just met so many players and insincere men in the last few years, perhaps it is what I like? That thought frightens me…there must be a good guy out there who is intellectually stimulating and whom I also fancy physically or is that hoping for too much?”

    My thoughts…EXACTLY 😉
    Well, I want it all, and I can’t handle boring, but I am more willing than I ever was to stay open and give a wide variety of men a chance. Not saying I’m open to all of them, and I do have my little things that turn me off, but I’m OK with them for now.


  463.  #463April Rose on May 16, 2012 at 8:21 am


    Have you got LoveScripts?
    Rori talks specifically about the question of a man staying over at your house.

    If you haven’t got it I can have a look thru it and see if I can find the scripts. But I seem to remember she was cool with it.

  464.  #464light heart on May 16, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Hi April Rose,
    Thanks, don’t have Love Scripts, but if you feel like it and have the time, I’d appreciate any tips from there about it.
    I just don’t like the whole idea of him putting me on the spot, and not coming up with any alternatives. I am uncomfortable with the idea of having him stay over. That is just too much time together for a second date. and we have only had one phone call. Now that I’ve made my boundary clear to him, I don’t want to abandon myself or feel the need to repeat myself. I might feel differently after we’ve gone out some more, or if it happens with another long distance man, I’ll just have to see, eh ?

  465.  #465Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 8:42 am

    LH I would validate/appreciate the fact that he does not want to screw things up. Tell him I sense he is a good man so I know he understands my feeling uncertainty or unsure about him sleeping over also that I know he wants to take care of his own safety and will figure out another way to take care of his own needs.

  466.  #466Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 8:45 am

    RE 450 Yep Brandylion. I learned that from CCarter’s FCTC. He had Dr. Paul DoBransky as a guest on the program who spoke about it.

  467.  #467Mel on May 16, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Thanks Sophie and FW…

    It feels so nice to be taken care of, especially since in the past, I would have attributed that “task” as feminine. It was interesting for me to learn that even the role of mother is in masculine energy.

    Feeding me, and treating me, and spoiling me seems to be something that brings him great pleasure. Sometimes I still find myself feeling guilty but I am getting better and better at receiving.

    Every once in a while I offer to cook something tasty, or treat him to coffee (or something else inexpensive) when we’re out, but I can feel when I’m starting to do too much and it feels great to just drop that oar and let him paddle again.

    He wants me to vacation with him this year, which feels super exciting. I told him that I would be willing to pay a portion of the cost (it will be quite pricey) if he would like me to contribute, but that I would leave it up to him to decide. I have a feeling he won’t let me pay for anything. For some reason, i just felt bad not offering. I have this pride that I have to heal. Not just with men, but in general. I feel fiercely independent sometimes. I have trouble accepting “hand-outs.” I am a funny creature. They’re not “hand-outs” they are GIFTS…. 🙂

  468.  #468light heart on May 16, 2012 at 8:46 am

    FW, that is really good and nice, very appropriate to the situation. my goodness, this communicating with the men is not as easy as it looks on paper !
    thank you,

  469.  #469Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 8:52 am

    RadLove – “I feel baffled by it too”

    Not sure I would share that with a man. They tend to think that women are hot. So when they believe you have the goods they want, they then wonder how comes you weren’t scooped up already by another man and start to think something is wrong with you. The comment kind of feed into the “something is wrong with you thinking, or you don’t “get” it. This is my opinion. So I would encourage you to use confidence in these situations and communicate the sense that you are being picky and owning your power. You are choosing the man you intend to bond with, not the other way around because you know you.

  470.  #470Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Mel I don’t think you are a funny creature. It is humbling and vulnerable and I struggle with that also. However, I have deeply embedded into my brain that a man is HAPPIEST when he is giving to me. I want any man around me to feel happy.

  471.  #471Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 8:59 am

  472.  #472Starla on May 16, 2012 at 9:02 am

    wowwwwwwwwwww i am in an incredibly yucky mood today

    i actually shut off my phone so i don’t lean forward to a man for comfort out of habit

    i read this fluff article that has a slideshow with it about celebrities’ first marriages. So many of these people have been married many many times! I can’t imagine being a woman who has married 6 times. OMG. Is this just how it is now? I feel scared and shaky and not okay at all.

  473.  #473light heart on May 16, 2012 at 9:03 am

    FW, Mel
    I struggle with it, too. very much. I don’t want to give the impression that I am just out to get whatever I can, which I am not. In fact, if I am not quite sure if I see it going somewhere, I feel a little uneasy with them paying for everything. It’s like, I can read their minds that they don’t want to be spending all this money if it’s not going to go anywhere, and they don’t want to give it a chance either, unless you help out.
    I am going to make it a mantra that a man is happiest when he is giving to me, and I want any man around me to feel happy. I love to see people feel happy, but not if I have to sell out.

  474.  #474Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Mel 465
    I feel the same way about gifts….I have to literally remind myself “receive! receive! it’s ok let the person give to you!”

    It is hard for me sometimes.

    Vacation sounds exciting. 🙂

  475.  #475Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 9:07 am

    I feel sad reading about addicts and vasopressin. One of my CDs is in recovery. He is very serious about it and has been successful in it.

    I feel sad thinking that he will never be able to “committ”… this true?

    Not that I’m so set on him, but it feels really sad and bad to think about this.

  476.  #476Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Starla “so he would enjoy me better” didn’t even cross my mind. I believe your perspective could use some reframing. I thought of him doing something to make you happy because he would be able to appreciate that it is something very important to you.

    The comment really solidified in me how important it is for me to be happy in my own skin. Sorry but I can really see how someone outside of “the self” couldn’t help because the “abnormality” is so rejected and hated from the inside. I am going off to massage my finger I disliked most of my life that is now bandaged and healing while saying “I intend to love and cherish you for the rest of my life sweetie, regardless of how you look”.

  477.  #477Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Emerson he is working on his addiction – big difference. When he gives it up his body will be able to work on rebalancing its chemicals.

  478.  #478Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 9:11 am


  479.  #479Femininewoman on May 16, 2012 at 9:11 am

    ReceivingGirl – Could it be a gluten allergy or some other food allergy?

  480.  #480Starla on May 16, 2012 at 9:14 am

    any man i spend a little time with who is sweet to me is like a CF to me. they’re all crack fixes. i’m feeling so totally f*cked. I just miss alaska. i want to cry in his arms. i am so weird. i feel judgmental and hateful towards myself and love in general.

  481.  #481Tam on May 16, 2012 at 9:17 am

    LH, I can’t handle boring either 🙂
    And I am quite willing to give a guy a chance who is less than perfect as long as he fulfils the important criteria, because I am well aware of the fact that I am not perfect either. But having problems of knowing where to draw the line sometimes with what still feels like acceptable behaviour and what clearly isn’t….it takes some time to get to know people but it is easy to fall into the 6-month relationship trap and move on to the next one – I don’t want that.
    Definitely a good idea to stay open to a wide range of guys…but the big thing for me is finding someone who stimulates me mentally above all, and that just seems a HUGE challenge.

  482.  #482Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Starla I have had to create a routine for myself for first thing in the morning because when I first wake up I have a hard time with NVs unless I get myself going with something specific. Sometimes it’s just a planned out routine to get ready with the radio on or TV and reward myself with taking extra time to do cute makeup…etc…I understand because there are some days when I DO NOT want to face the world and I feel mad and sad…but it flips a lil bit usually once I get all cute for the day.

    Also reading about celebs and their marriages is very disenchanting and not really a reflection in the real world. Your life has nothing to do with them so no that is not how life is…
    You create your own reality!!! ((((Starla))))

  483.  #483Emerson on May 16, 2012 at 9:21 am

    475 Thanks FW that makes me feel better. He seems like a good prospect so we shall see!!!!

    I feel ok today but feeling lazy and need to get my day started!!!

  484.  #484Goodheart on May 16, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Lillibee, it feels so good to read your posts. They are so uplifting & inspiring 🙂

  485.  #485Goodheart on May 16, 2012 at 9:27 am

    (((Radiant))) I feel ya.

  486.  #486Mel on May 16, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Tam, LH


    Yes, I so get this. But it took me a while to realize that what I was really finding boring was the lack of drama, lack of toxicity, lack of “challenge” for me…

    And when I figured that out, I was able to see that the boring guy standing right in front of me was actually quite interesting and our time together suddenly felt a lot more exciting (but in a different way).

  487.  #487Radlove on May 16, 2012 at 9:38 am


    469 – Yes, like I said, your FM was perfect, and I saved it for future use. I didn’t know what to say in the moment.

  488.  #488Radlove on May 16, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Thanks, Ulii!

  489.  #489Radlove on May 16, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Radiant Rising and Daria,

    396 – What I stated was not out of prejudice. I stated facts. I once dated two Middle Eastern men. I am not prejudiced. I felt scared and sad when I heard what happened.

  490.  #490Mel on May 16, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Ha, ha! I remember thinking: Mr A is soooo boring! He’s always agreeing with me and doing what I want, and acting all interested in me. And he’s too sweet, and too accommodating, and too eager.

    I think fighting and arguing and winning release adrenaline and other chemicals which your body becomes accustomed to. That feels normal and so everything else feels a little dull.