Are You Wrecking Your Relationship By Giving Too Much?

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Here’s a totally classic example of overfunctioning and the result it gets – which is YOU feeling resentful, angry and closed down and pushing a perfectly good man away.

“Hi Rori,

I asked my boyfriend what we are going to do this weekend, he tells me he wants to go skydiving (expensive)..and then he tells me he also wants to find a place where we can have dance lessons, as long as they are not too expensive (he knows I want to go dancing)…he then gives me an example of how he has gone to dance lessons for free in the past at a country western bar.

I feel good knowing he is wanting to take me dancing, yet I feel bad, cheap, knowing he spends a lot of money on himself going skydiving, scuba diving, etc…and that he does not want to spend money on me.

I don’t know how to handle this..What do I need to do so that he will want to spend money on me? He’s always been a little cheap, but then again, I have nearly always offered to help pay for things, knowing he does not have a full time job…

This is pathetic, I know if a man wants a woman, he will spend money on her. I think he knows he gets it for free, so why spend money…I don’t know if that’s true, just my gut feeling.

Thanks, Carol”

My answer:

Carol – you are focusing on all the wrong things. If you don’t like his level of generosity, then dump him – but can you just let this go? –he seems to want to be with you…you’re going to have to figure out where you are about putting meaning to money…and are you closing down and pushing him away emotionally because of your STUFF around this? This is just a preview of how he spends money – and if you were to marry him, you’d have to be able to simply negotiate how it’s spent. Seems like an easy thing, to me…if he’s a good guy and loves you… Love, Rori

More from Carol:

“Rori,
I get what you are saying, and yes, I am closing down and pushing him away emotionally…
I’m scared because I show how much I care with grand demonstrations, i.e, buying him concert tickets, balloon rides, etc..just don’t want to go overboard and Do “TOO MUCH” …but I really love giving in this way. His way of giving is a little different, he does special things for me, on a more simplistic level, and that’s ok, right? It does not have to be “even steven” with money.
Yes, I will let this go and get over myself…
Had crappy role models growing up, still trying to figure this out. Thanks, Carol”

My answer:

Carol – the whole problem here is not what HE’S doing – but what YOU’RE doing…

…You have to STOP these “grand demonstrations”!!! STOP!!!!!

You’re wrecking the balance of the relationship, and you’re making yourself “keep track” and feeling resentful!! Stop!!

Make him popcorn and leave it at that!!!!

Your clue that you’re doing too much is if you’re closing down and feeling resentful!

How Overfunctioning Wrecks Your Love Life

Like Carol, most of us women feel bad receiving.

And so we turn it inside-out and upside-down, complicate it, get all weird about it, try to think around it…and end up creating only TENSION.

We then push men away with our tension around the whole issue of giving and receiving.

We instinctively keep a “balance sheet” in our heads…and why?

Because we are most comfortable “giving.” We feel in control when we do things for a man.

We feel bad – automatically – for wanting good stuff, and especially for wanting a LOT of good stuff.

And so we create this complicated dance around it.

We test the waters by “giving” – and we see what we get back.

If we like what we get back, we up the ante and give more.

At some point – we’re going to be disappointed.

We’re going to give more than we get.

And then it all breaks down.

We feel betrayed, we feel that things are “uneven,” we doubt him and his feelings…we freeze ourselves up.

This is the pattern we’ve ALL been taught about nearly everything involving friendships and human interaction. And romance and romantic love and sex just heighten all that and make it unbearably intense sometimes.

So – stop the marry-go-round before it starts moving.

Stop giving just because it feels good to you.

Stop giving and overfunctioning because you feel more “settled” and “comfortable” that way.

Start giving back when it feels appropriate and easy, and you don’t feel any expectations ATTACHED to it.

Because – whether you’re aware or not – every time you do ANYTHING – there’s an expectation attached. The expectation is there as a result of your pst experience, the way you think, what you believe, yor subconscious that you can’t get to, and your conscious opinions about things, too.

So – while you work on unearthing your subconscious “stuff” – rattle your own cage by just stopping doing what’s triggering the pattern of doing->expectation->disappointment->resentment->shut down.

See if you can find where this is happening to you in your own life.

Instead of expecting that a certain amount of “work” is going to result in you “getting” something (personally or professionally) – find a new reason to put work in professionally, and a new way to put work in personally – on YOURSELF!

And let the results just happen.

Let me know what surprises you find showing up!

Love, Rori

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966 Comments

  1.  #1tinque on October 14, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Having expectations WILL mess you up every time, for even if your man does something sweet and wonderful for you yet you have in your mind something else, you WILL feel disappointed, AND sadly you will miss his lovely gift to you, whatever it is, even if it’s a simple yet heartfelt and tender embrace.
    Be curious. Allow yourself to be surprised.
    xxoo



  2.  #2Hadassah on October 14, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    I am just so freaking angry right now, I don’t even know where to start, so here goes: I have this relationship I am in now with a bf that one week I feel like we are so getting married and he is THE ONE, and the next week I just want to punch him in the nose. We have been together for going on 11 months.

    Allow me to explain: sometimes, he is Mr. Perfect-attentive, calls, texts, asking to get together, stays the night, he is snuggly and affectionate and we have awesome, mind-blowing sex etc. The next week (almost literally and like clock-work) he does the disappearing act. No phone calls, maybe sees me once or twice for a limited amount of time, no texts, etc. During the “off” week, I refuse to allow myself to call him or text him, and that makes me feel really good – I am CHOOSING to do the opposite of what I used to do in relationships – but I get so crazy angry hostile MAD about this I can’t even think straight! And then, what’s WORSE is I get mad at MYSELF for getting so wrapped up in how he isn’t calling me or texting me, etc. I will work out, or do my nails, and do whatever else to get my mind off of it. I let myself feel what I am feeling, but I really struggle with not allowing it to completely devastate me when he backs off.
    It isn’t like we have this awesome time together and then I start leaning forward-it’s not that. It just seems like every time we start to get really close and the relationship is moving forward versus being stagnant, he runs away. Let me point out he is 10 years older than me (I’m 28) and never wanted kids, and I have a toddler. One day he is talking marriage, the next day it’s, “I just don’t know if I want to be a daddy permanently”. This frustrates the crap out of me. I’m not asking him to do that, I haven’t brought up marriage, etc. He does and then it sounds like he tries to talk himself out of it! I don’t get it! Furthermore, why would anyone in their right mind start dating someone that had a child when they didn’t want kids? WHO DOES THAT? It isn’t like we went out for a few months before I said, “oh hey, by the way, I know you have no interest in kids but I have a daughter!” We met at work and my desk is covered in photographs of her, I talked about her constantly, brought her up to work (she is kind of our office mascot!) so it was NO surprise that I had a child when he asked me out for the first time.

    One of my boundaries is that I have no interest in being a step mom unless I would be the only mom to the kids. Therefore, I wouldn’t become heavily involved with a man that had drama with his baby mama. Wouldn’t even go there. Sure, maybe we could talk or meet for coffee or whatnot, but I just wouldn’t allow myself to get all serious with him. It just wouldn’t happen, because it isn’t what I want!

    We actually broke up two months ago (my call) because I felt like he wasn’t doing enough and I just didn’t want to deal with it. He called me after a week of no contact and we talked. Part of it was me not telling him how I felt, and I accept responsibility for that. But when I told him things like, “I don’t want your crumbs, and I need to be a part of your life every day and not feel like I am penciled in to fit some schedule, I need to feel sexy and special and desirable and I need to feel wanted and not like I am a convenience and an afterthought” he said he understood how I felt that way, was sorry, and would work on it. He was extra attentive for a while, things were great, he was asking me my ring size and talking marriage, and then it was back to the same old hot one minute, cold the next.

    It isn’t that I am itching to get married NOW. I know it is something I want at some point before I am 40! And I have TOLD him this numerous times when he asks me what I think about marriage. He also knows that I will not live with him unless we have a wedding date set and are engaged.

    I guess I am to the point where I don’t know if I am being impatient and he is just doing the getting cold feet, working on his own issues thing or if I am being blind or seeing it through rose colored glasses in this situation. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter until there is a ring on my finger and a wedding date set, I know he isn’t the last man in the universe, and my only expectation of him is to be honest with me, but it still hurts me that he seems to get so close then runs away.

    He tells me he loves me. He brings me flowers, takes me and my daughter out, and when we don’t feel like going out and I cook, he buys the groceries and does dishes. He takes me shopping, he mentions nice restaurants and dates and weekend getaways now that my parents have moved here and I have a safe babysitter for my daughter. In fact, when my family moved here, he insisted on taking us all out to dinner the NIGHT they got here!

    I feel like if he wanted to talk to me, if he wanted to text me, he would. Plain and simple. Men do what they want to do, they make time for it, no matter what. I guess maybe I am starting to realize that he is doing as much as he is capable of with me, and it just isn’t enough. And that is ok. I would rather find it out now and learn from this whole situation versus accepting not enough, marrying him, and ending up miserable and divorced or losing myself in the process.

    And this situation makes me wonder if this is going to be yet another time where we break up, and 6 months later he marries his very next girlfriend because he “just knew she was the one after 6 months” (That has happened to me TWICE already). I just want MY moment. MY man to come find me and be so smitten with me that he has to be with me and WANTS to be with me, and wants to marry me and that’s that. No second guessing constantly. No hot and cold. No wondering what if about every little thing (I mean that he isn’t second guessing, etc.)

    It’s amazing how freeing it is just to get this all down on paper…. (well, on computer) 🙂



  3.  #3Brenda on October 14, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Rori,

    Your insightful reasoning and practical applications to have successful relationships are my brand of psychology! Another brilliant unwinding and interpretation of complex human behavior!

    This type of thing was why I wanted to major in psychology, until I saw a dry, boring version of it coming out of my textbooks…and changed my major. Excellent!



  4.  #4Nikita on October 14, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    I was wondering how Rori sees the saying “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free”………

    After reading this…..now I wonder…why buy the cow if it will pay you to drink the milk….?



  5.  #5Rori Raye on October 14, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Hadassah – welcome – and here’s the thing. One – either be exclusive with him and take it exactly as it is and get rid of your anger – in other words – take the thought that it’s SUPPOSED to be the way you want – OUT of the situation. Stay warm and open. OR – Circular Date so you REALLY have no need for your anger. That’s what I would do…”Don’t know if we’re on the same page…” Love, Rori



  6.  #6Rosa on October 14, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Hi Hadassah,

    This has intrigued me enough to write a post . This guy sounds like a great guy ! He sounds fantastic on paper. You are so right that men do what they want to do and he seems to want to be around you a LOT in a very present way. Do you still work together also?

    I believe men need “cave time” after a lot of closeness. It has nothing to do with us as such , its not due to any problem necessarily , its just ” man time” when they do things like go out hunting for provisions (focus on work ) , touch base with male friends, or just hang out in their own space recharging their Man-ness. It also occurs to me that maybe he is feeling intense pressure from you and fears losing himself giving all of his spare time and attention. That would make him cautious about the future. Its not just our actions (and yaaay to you for NOT calling him) but also that vibe , our vital energy which can clearly radiate anger and fear and need even when we arent aware of feeling those things. Rori works with this (and even mentions she believes they can feel it clean across the country.)

    I am wondering a couple of things . First it sounds as if you are feeling really bad in the “off ” week. Is something happening then (like booty call sex maybe in the “limited amount of time ” you see him- is he just dropping in? ) that would make you feel bad about YOU..? Something you can change yourself? Also what else are you both doing with that time?

    I wonder if you have considered circular dating in that week? Not being available for quick visits by him because you are busy with a friend , or seeing your family , or attending a class that happens weekly .Maybe even moving on to real coffee dates with men friends. Your strong sense of self respect and care will be further strengthened and you will so relaxed around him .You will free yourself from all that spinning and din in your head when you do this. Its not about how he will feel or react, you do it for you, to loosen up your “hold “on the situation. Rori’s programes will show you how.Also I suggest Yoga would be brilliant.

    I think your gut FEELING will know if he is a good guy or not if you loosen up and make some space between you that is relaxed and calm. He will feel that calm oasis and be so drawn to you.

    And if he really is just emotionally unavailable and stringing you along about marriage you will very quickly flush him out. GOOD LUCK!



  7.  #7Amy F. on October 14, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    Hi Hadassah,

    I hate the withdrawing thing that men do. It’s happened to me many, many times, and who knows why men do what they do? It sounds like your man has some issues about marriage and he’s scared. However, who knows and that’s not the point. The point is you should CD. If he’s withdrawing, it won’t make you so crazy because your focus is not on him alone. I KNOW how hard this is – especially when you are with someone who you think is “the one.” Yet, no matter how attentive and wonderful, it’s all imaginary now until there is the kind of commitment you are wanting.

    One of my issues is that if he is poetic and romantic, I will be right there with him, right away (I just get swept away) instead of saying my true feelings like – “I feel uncomfortable with this level of intimacy so quickly” – which is how I really feel. I know instantly smoking the “man crack” pipe leads to FLAME OUT and the man withdrawing. It has happened every time. But, I’m learning, step by baby step. I get it.
    I need to CD more and it sounds like you do too.

    Please keep us up to date on what is happening.



  8.  #8Pepe on October 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    hi girls and women,

    Hadassah, the leaningback and not jumping on his back yelling “are you gonna give me that ring or what” is very good brava ! but you should at the same time work on your VIBE it is really important, he feels the things that you are not saying ! the hot and cold is i know frustrating BUT he keeps coming BACK, and the next time he comes back because i know he will that’s when you will have to opportunity to stop him from withdrawing. Don’t quickly jump to bed with him, make time to see him and be always available for him… when he leans forward you have to lean back even more and do less… everything, keep yourself busy until he gets more consistent and actually runs to buy you that ring ! you have to understand that when he talks about a future with you etc… you are focusing on what he says and without knowing it u lean forward and the next thing you know you’re standing there feeling like a moron watching him run like his *** is on fire, thinking but ALL i said is “I need to be a part of your life every day and not feel like I am penciled in to fit some schedule !!!! hello…hello!!?… hel…”, no stop ! keep yourself busy and your life going until he walks the talk and actually buys you that ring that you want. When he’s in front of you or in the phone with you be warm and open like rori says (dont’ ask him when r u gonna see him etc… and don’t stay too long talking to him like you have nothing else to do) when he’s not don’t even think about him, do something that makes you feel good, relax, happy, so that when he does contact you he won’t FEEL like you were waiting for him cause duh ! you won’t be and that simple thing will change your vibe and make him think “whaaa !? she’s happy when i’m not there ! she has a life !!! and she’s not has focus on me like before and what’s worst now she says what she wants and won’t take less than that… i better shake my lazy butt or she’s gonna drop me like a hot potato for some ram dude whose gonna actually give her that ring i’ve been promising her ! ”
    And another thing when you talk to him it’s important that you don’t use the word “you” like “i don’t want your crumbs” so that he doesn’t feels attack and closes off again, next time try saying something like “i don’t want this or that” or ” i don’t want to tolerate this or that” in a calm but firm voice and don’t tell him what he should or should not do because… i don’t know… eu…maybe because he knows what he should do and not do in order to keep a woman and to make her happy so don’t worry about that ! and focus on what YOU want and don’t want and keep it at that, you will be amazed at how he wil repond and act !

    Good luck, i’m sure you can stop this hot and cold dance but you have to believe it too.

    Kisses
    Pepe.



  9.  #9Orna Walters on October 14, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    I love it, Rori, when you take something that most people spend weeks, months, years in therapy over and WHAM! in a few paragraphs you nail it!

    So much of over-functioning is emotional entrapment. We, the women, set the bait.

    I used to NEED my ex-boyfriends to PROVE their love for me. Ridiculous!

    I stopped over-functioning when I got very clear on what I NEEDED in relationship. When I was clear on what I needed and never, ever sacrificed that – everything changed! I knew where the boundary was – it was clear, it was drawn and that was that.

    Being clear on what we NEED vs. what we WANT brings about huge change in our expectations.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  10.  #10Susan on October 14, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Hadassah,

    Wow,, I say STOP and take some time to see how lucky you really are. He sounds like a great guy..so he clears his head for a little while..he always comes back right! As you said, he didn’t want kids however he is spending time with both of you..

    I would be careful he is probably picking up on your anger..did you ever think maybe that is why he dissapears for a while.

    Only other thing..maybe he is married?
    Good luck.



  11.  #11Hadassah on October 14, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Thanks Rori and Amy – I don’t want to be angry about it, but I guess I just feel like he is being dishonest with me in some way. I’ve asked him to not talk to me about ring sizes and being married until he is sure that is what he wants with me. Now that my family is here and I have a babysitter I can trust, I figure I can give him some time to see if he initiates these “real” dates he has talked about with just us, or if he is all talk.

    Amy-I get what you mean about the poetic and romantic deal – that is the kind of guy I used to fall for, all of which turned out to be toxic for me. B is so opposite of what I usually go for it’s a whole new adventure. And adventures are always a good thing that teaches you a lot of new things about yourself. And in some ways, I have been CDing the whole time, as much as I have been able to – I still flirt with any male I have the chance to, and if a guy did approach me and ask for my number, I would definitely give it to him. I think I would even go out with a guy, if he asked.

    Part of my problem is that I wake up, take the baby to daycare, go to work, pick the baby up from daycare, and come home. I take her for a run almost every night, but there is hardly anyone else around. Oh, I forgot that we go to Wal-Mart weekly. Yep, that’s my exciting life of being an only parent for the past nearly 19 months. 🙂



  12.  #12Nikita on October 14, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Hadassah,

    I see your parents as being a blessing in helping you get married before you are 40! Now you can really CD because you have a reliable sitter….and you can do coffee dates….no more than an hour…so as to be very considerate of your parents and your Happy Ever After….. Date….. and notice if you are feeling “owed” by him…. because that will feel like pressure to a man…. give yourself what you want…



  13.  #13Katarina Phang on October 14, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Rori, I can certainly relate to this as a breadwinner TWICE in my past relationships.

    The dynamics of feeling “guilty” of receiving and the expectations/desire to receive at the same time sometimes wrecks havoc in me as I’m trying to navigate this new relationship of mine.

    I definitely second this “Start giving back when it feels appropriate and easy, and you don’t feel any expectations ATTACHED to it.” This is what I’m trying to practice right now.

    Very aptly put. I don’t want to over-give even though it feels good -at least in the beginning- because when I feel it’s not being reciprocated it’ll be poisonous to our relationship.

    I’m trying to create a climate that allows him to give more and me being very appreciative of it. At least, if I give, it’s not in the form of money but something perhaps with equal values like cooking for us (which I enjoy…at least for now!! 🙂 ).

    I’m trying to apply your rule that we don’t have to do anything that costs money but we could enjoy it at the same time.



  14.  #14Lizzie on October 14, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Hadassah, I shall play for your precious man…for him he is giving serious consideration to the “package” that you are and that is a huge decision for him to make. Rori did a wonderful post on us being the anchor and he being the elastic band. You need to be his anchor – steady, relaxed, lounging in back of the boat while he takes up the oars and rows. Only there are extra passenger in the boat. So he has extra decisions. May I suggest take the time to create a very large safe space for him. Luxuriate in long relaxing dates now that your family can look after your baby. (You didn’t mention if the baby has a father and if the baby has a father or no father, there are very significant implications for your honey to work through). Eleven months is a very very short time of dating. As another single mom, I can appreciate your want to get on with things – that is what us single moms do! The process we learn here is to lean back, take our time, focus on the me making me happy by finding and pursuing our purpose in life, finding out what our deepest needs are, circle dating to get in touch with how to open ourselves to others, creating space for safety in relationships. It is all designed to help us be beautiful feminine sirens. It is very tough for me as a single mom, with no support, no father in the lives of my kids, self-employed etc etc, to relax from all the masculine “do” that keeps us afloat. Engaging my feminine doesn’t come easily but even the little bit I do, has a profoundly wonderful impact. Now when my men come to me, I feel truly desired and appreciated. They don’t come forward very often, but when they do, like WOW! It is an out of this earth experience.



  15.  #15Denise on October 14, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    I have learned to sit on my hands regarding the giving, and especially in the money arena, or the big ticket items. The recent economy collapse (r/e & stock losses) and a lack of job helped me learn the hard way! Amazing, but me, the big spender, bestower of tremendo presents just so spectacular, has scaled way back, and I feel ok about that. I thought the grand gestures would help show how much I cared, but really, in hindsight it only showed how much I spent!

    Overfunctioning really does scare the guys away!

    So much of their self-esteem is in their pockets, especially at middle aged. My self-esteem is not based on my bank account. But the whole provider instinct is engrained in their psyche. I cannot stand cheap guys , but I also know I am judged by what I have- or the designer clothes I wear, or the art that hangs on my walls, the car I drive, the wine I order out for dinner, etc. I do not want a man who is intimidated by me. I have had men use me for my money and social connections. And I did not learn my lesson by the second time one tried! Some how I grew – and snapped out of it- and saw that I really deserve to be the one who is pampered.

    I am Goddess.

    Now, I let the guys pay. I do not even offer to contribute. I think it intimidates men if they think you have more. My Perfect Man never asks me to pay. When he is at my house, I cook. I do not expect him to bring over the groceries. He pays for all when we are out, and somehow I think he feels good about it.

    Overfunctioning can relate to way more than the money end, too. It leads to expectations, and assumptions, which as we know, we have to drop.

    Regarding the question of the ring size, been there. I remember once being in front of an expensive jeweller window at the Ritz, and my ex BF who was full of BS, asked me which I liked. When I replied the emerald cut diamond ring, he told me I was just like his ex-wife. The comparison nearly made me upchuck then and there!

    Hadassah, the rubber banding this man is going through is normal in their need for self-discovery. Just don’t take it so seriously, if you can. He sounds like a sweetie. For me, I as am experiencing this with my Perfect Man, I tell myself to let go, and BE. relax and be open. Excellent to CD however it feels right, and maybe if you ask nicely, your ‘rents can help you out for some free time, to find some happy moments for you! Find your siren, and he will step up.



  16.  #16Sapphire-n-jewels on October 14, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    O wow
    I feel really insecure over this post. Like my stomach has been pulled out. This is me to a tea. How do I stop
    expecting. I feel all tense and uptight. I over function all the time. Give to get and expect. There are times I don’t and yes it feels great – much better when he initiates. I suppose I do this out of fear of losing him.
    I need to workon this and understand me. I am laying in bed listening to him snoring, wanting to reach out and touch but nit able to.
    I had a chat with a girl friend the other day talking about the falling in love stage and how attentive men are. She stated that you can’t maintain that part through a relationsip but that’s the part I miss. Finding the settled part where he not as attentive boring – my expectations again xxx



  17.  #17Denise on October 14, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Lizzie is right about the package deal. He may not have initially wanted that but if he loves you, he will come to love the package. As he discovers his feelings on that, and the decision, lean back. He will come forward when you relax.

    A little personal tidbit in that arena: my Dad stepped up to a woman, my Mom, who was already Mom to three kids. Way back when, that was a major scarlett letter. Many people tried to talk my Dad out of caring for my Mom, even his own Mom who tried and tried to ruin it. Somehow, if way back then, that man could do it, so can the more modern, accepting, and sensitive men of today.



  18.  #18kaitlyn on October 15, 2010 at 1:08 am

    My last bf (4months. the relationship- not him. though, he does act like a damn baby) complained I WASN’T overcompensating.

    He felt that because he was giving emotionally, I should be giving financially because I made more money. To offset this, I tried being more generous emotionally, thinking that was a more fair balance. He expressed it wasn’t, so I broke things off. Again.

    It’s been a while and I’ve been dating other guys, but it’s been so hard for me to stop analyzing what went wrong and just get back on my horse.



  19.  #19kaitlyn on October 15, 2010 at 1:12 am

    I miss him terribly.



  20.  #20Ankita on October 15, 2010 at 4:19 am

    I met a doctor 2 days ago.. We went to the movie, “The American”, there was a kissing scene, he asked me if he can kiss me…?
    I refused and asked him never to do this again in future….. He agreed….!!

    Then we sat for a long time in the mall, and he told me about his past, and I was so touched I wanted to kiss him instantly.. Then we took a taxi, and as we sat together, I got a li’l uncomfy, and turned my face to the other side, I stopped talking. He sensed something wrong, and asked me 6-7 times. Then finally I turned my face to him, and said, “You wanna know what it is? I wanna kiss you…” And then tilted my face.. He instantly sprang up and kissed me like anything… After some seconds, I realized what I had been doing and just stopped the car and got out of it, but he again grabbed me and kissed me good bye….

    Man…… I couldn’t sleep that night… Was missing his, perhaps, kiss….!! He was one of the most awesome kissers I met in my life……
    Since then am confused…! Honestly he is quite a good guy, but am not feeling that connection with him, and he has already started talking to me as a couple…. And he is a very sensitive and serious kind of guy…..

    I don’t know what to do….
    But my gut feeling inside tells me that whatever I did, wasn’t right… Uuuhhh……



  21.  #21Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 4:42 am

    .
    Is there a change in moon in the North Western Hemisphere? The CL ads have suddenly taken a stranger turn (as if that were possible…but I guess it is)

    I will not be giving anything to kind of guy depicted below. This looks like somebody I would expect to see on “The Profiler” TV show. 😯

    SQWEEGEL SEX (Layers of Latex)
    http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/m4w/2007039032.html

    SLV



  22.  #22Renee on October 15, 2010 at 5:24 am

    SLV — How bizarre!

    Didn’t I see you mention that you were checking out/signing up at one of the paid sites as well? How’s that going?



  23.  #23Renee on October 15, 2010 at 5:31 am

    Ankita — I’m feeling a little confused. You felt an overwhelming urge to kiss this man, but you feel you have no chemistry with him? Feeling a strong urge to kiss someone is what I would call chemistry! And I like the fact that he noticed something was wrong and kept asking you about it until you told him what it was…shows a real concern for your feelings, I think. I say you should definitely see him again — he could end up taking you by surprise like my feelings for Blondie did…at first, I didn’t think we had “chemistry”, but I was way off…I don’t know how things are going to work out for us after all, but my point is, sometimes our initial impressions can mislead us, especially if we’re used to dating a certain “type” of man (often the type that doesn’t work for us). Is this possible in your case?

    Please pardon me if I’m not very knowledgable about your culture, but is kissing considered ‘bad’ or wrong where you’re from unless you’re married? If it is, maybe you could discuss that with this man and agree not to kiss anymore, but thank goodness you’ve already determined that he’s an awesome kisser! Just my vote, but I think you should give him a chance…



  24.  #24Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 6:12 am

    @22: knocksoftly says:
    “C’mon SLV…..You know you want latex man. But you cant have him cuz he’s mine. Hahahaha”

    Heehee 😆 I’d heard you have to kiss a lot of frogs…but “frogmen”…idk, haha. Too much, too much.

    SLV



  25.  #25Hadassah on October 15, 2010 at 6:17 am

    First let me just say THANKS to everyone who has responded to my post and I will try to go over them in order.

    Rosa: We no longer work together; he was just at my company for a temporary project for 4 months, so we haven’t actually been working together for 7 months. And when we did work together, he was calling all the time, texting, etc. I have made it clear that booty calls are not allowed, and honestly I have never felt that way with him. On the off times, I do try to keep the focus on what makes me happy and make sure to play with my hair, do my nails, take bubble baths, etc. As far as the CD-ing the weeks he has pulled back is concerned, now that the family is here, he is learning he can’t do the last minute, call me at 5 for dinner deal. Before he knew I was sitting at home with the baby-now he is realizing that isn’t my life anymore!

    Pepe: I could be subconsciously leaning forward when he brings up the ring; that is something I can pay more attention to and try to be more aware of. I know I am warm and open with him even after a period of distance because when he calls, the anger vanishes. It’s just the constant he is all into me, then he isn’t that makes me crazy. In fact, when he did call last night, I was taking a bubble bath and didn’t answer. I listened to his voicemail and he was all, “wow you never don’t answer. I hope everything is ok..” I did call him back when I was good and ready to get out of the tub, and he asked to get together tonight. He almost NEVER makes plans with me. (this is another point of contention with me that my family being here is going to either fix with him, or weed him out for good). He can plan for going to his hobby meetings weeks in advance, but never makes dates with me with any notice, so just the night BEFORE was amazing. I actually got to tell him no because I already had plans with my family for dinner. Instead of me saying – “well can we get together…” I just let it sit. He sounded all bummed and then asked if he could come by after because he “really wants to see me.” So I told him maybe and to give me a call around 8pm so we shall see. Plus we were only on the phone for 15 minutes, like Rori suggests. I can see how my using the word “you” could make him feel attacked, but I honestly am not sure I said “I deserve more than YOUR crumbs” or if I said “I deserve more than the leftover crumbs”. (I had read Rori’s ebook numerous times before we had that conversation so I think I did fairly well in it) Thinking before I speak is something I can work on. 🙂

    Nikita: My family being here is a blessing for a lot of reasons – I feel like a HUGE pressure has been released off of me, and I guess I figured that he would feel less pressure to fulfill the “man of the house” role with my daughter now that she has a grandpa and uncle.

    Lizzie: As soon as you mentioned the anchor and rubber band deal, I remember reading that article here and I need to find it again to give myself a reminder. As far as the baby issue – I am an only parent. Her sperm donor is completely out of the picture in every form and fashion since she was only months old. He was abusive in every sense of the word, and that is when I finally got away. He has not tried to see her, has not asked about her, doesn’t help support her financially in any way, and I heard he left the state and got some other girl knocked up not even two months later. Sad to say, but she is better off without him. All he would have done was the pop in and pop out of her life when it was convenient for him, (like once every few years to say “I’m your daddy!” and I don’t see how that would be good for her in any way. Not to mention when he was trying to bully me to come back before he ran off with this girl he got pregnant, it was constant threats of, “I’ll kill you, “if I can’t have you no one can,” etc. So he isn’t the most stable person one has ever encountered!

    Denise: I do like the rubber band scenario and the just BE. I find that just BE-ing is getting easier with more and more practice!



  26.  #26Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 6:25 am

    .
    20: Renee says:

    “Didn’t I see you mention that you were checking out/signing up at one of the paid sites as well? How’s that going?”

    I’m checking dating sites and venues in general to see what’s going on with them. I signed up (barely)with okcupid to learn to navigate an online dating site and to see what the current crop of men looks like. 😀 I also plan to scout POF.

    For now, I’m “dating” ME and don’t plan to branch out until 2011. CL is an interesting concept but there are sure some weird ads there–I don’t mean just the genitalia pics and overt preferences–bizarre and scary men. But I’ve seen sweet, intelligently written fun ads also.

    To start, I’m leaning toward stealing Mary’s CL ad copy; it’s simple and suits me. I haven’t seen Mary posting lately; I hope she’s doing swell.

    SLV



  27.  #27life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 6:49 am

    9. Orna

    “So much of over-functioning is emotional entrapment. We, the women, set the bait.”

    That is an insightful comment. I am watching myself shift from using CDing to get a certain man to do what I think i want him to do, to CDing to get more clear on what I need in a relationship and to have fun and get the focus off of him and just let him be.

    It feels much too limiting to make myself prisoner of dependency on what ANY ONE does, in order to feel happy.

    I am so glad that I am aware enough to catch myself in the act of overfunctioning, leaning forward and trying to be in control, lecturing and sounding like a school marm or somebody’s old auntie. It’s not easy, after having to raise my own children from very young by myself.

    The blessing from Rori is that I now know what to look for.

    BE SURPRISED! YES!



  28.  #28Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 7:10 am

    Kaitlyn !!!!!

    OMG ! i don’t get it…sounds like he wanted to switch places with you, he’s emotionnaly giving (and that’s a siren’s job) and wants YOU to be giving financially ( men’s job)…eu… anyboby else other than me sees something disturbing about that ? just raise your hand.
    That’s a good thing you kicked his …and now you’re analyzing what went wrong !!! don’t bother anymore just read the first paragraph of my post.
    Kaitlyn/siren/godess, bcause that’s what you are !
    you deserve better way better than that douche, it was only a matter a time before his demands got more specific like ” i need a new toothbrush or a BBW and don’t tell me you can’t cause you make more money than me and i’ve giving you soooo much emotionally ! with tears in his eyes and that sad look we just can’t resist… dude !!!
    Next time you think about him remember how small he was and how smart you were to dump him. Or just ask yourself why…WHA should I waist my precious time and thoughts on a guy that wanted me to become his suga mama, AS IF ! and put a TLC cd and sing out loud ” no i don’t want no scrubs lalalallala

    Kisses
    Perrine



  29.  #29tinque on October 15, 2010 at 7:12 am

    “the falling in love stage and how attentive men are….you can’t maintain that part through a relationship”

    Sapphire-n-Jewels – Oh yes you can. I’m living proof. It’s not an effort. It’s not work. It just is.
    xxoo



  30.  #30Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Hadassah,

    So proud of you, i feel just like your mom right now ! no not really… just kidding lol
    You’re doing so good BUT 2 things that you should pay attention too :
    1- you said : “Now that my family is here and I have a babysitter I can trust, I figure I can give him some time to see if he initiates these “real” dates he has talked about with just us, or if he is all talk ” NO NO NO N…don’t wait and see anything ! you don’t have the time for that cause you have a life remember !
    if you start thinking like that without knowing it your relax and good vibe will change into waiting, analyzing, calculating : ok he called twice today…he ask me out 2 times this week… see what i mean ? and he will feel it ! dont’ wait and see NADA and enjoy feeling surprised by him.

    2- ” asked if he could come by after because he “really wants to see me.” So I told him maybe and to give me a call around 8pm so we shall see ”
    the fact that you sticked to your plans and didn’t drop anything to have some alone time with him ” we won’t be able to go out to diner … but mom don’t you get it, a MAN wants to see me ! a man ! do you realise that …” is perfect brava ! but you should have said that you made plans with your family and that you were not gonna be able to see each other today… perioda. That would have make him want to see you even more cause he didn’t when he wanted too and make him look forward to seing you and maybe thinking he should make plans and make time for you when he wants to see you not just call : what’s a her name again oh crap she answered…hey… girl!!!! oh i can’t see you tonite but… we still can see each other like later…alone right ? she said yes… what a shock ! dawm i’m good ! all i have to do is clap clap and clap my feet and she’s all mine.

    It’s ok, don’t worry about it, next time you’ll know what to do, i trust you.

    Kisses
    Pepe



  31.  #31Hadassah on October 15, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Pepe-Thanks a lot for your input. I really like having a totally unbiased outside perspective. I don’t have any close friends here (just work acquaintances) and the girls I do chat with at work are all married and miserable so they are not who I would want to get advice from!

    I guess I worded it wrong; I don’t literally mean that I will sit around and do nothing and wait to see if he sets up dates with me; I guess I meant more of “ok, now he has no more excuses, (before I didn’t want to leave her with a babysitter because I don’t have anyone close enough to me that I trusted with her) so here is his real chance to step up to the plate.”

    My mom is pretty much my best friend and always has been (we have always had an amazing relationship and if mine and my daughter’s is half as good, it would be better than most mother/daughter relationships I personally know of!) My mom and I are making plans for shopping and day trips with the baby, and my brother and I are going to join a gym together and be work out buddies since I am still trying to lose some baby weight and he needs to get into shape as well, so I most definitely will not be “leaving my schedule wide open” anymore, because I don’t have to!

    As far as not letting him come by tonight – he knows for sure that the baby is in bed pretty much between 7pm and 8pm so that I would be home. And if he calls tonight and I would rather have quiet time by myself than have him over, I will tell him that as nicely as possible – something along the lines of I just really feel like taking a bath and getting into bed early. Which may be true by then since I have been awake since 4am! But if I feel like seeing him tonight, I’d say sure. And I feel fairly confident that he is going to set up plans for another time over the weekend. I just hope he beats my family to it! 🙂



  32.  #32Siena on October 15, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Okay, this is a new one for me. Mover man wants to take me shopping to buy me a sexier wardrobe. He says I dress too conservatively.

    Hmmm, I don’t know how I feel about this! One the one hand, I want a man who doesn’t want to change me at all. On the other hand, I know I am not sexy outside of the bedroom. I’m more hippy or girl next door.

    I feel open to this, as an experiment. But there’s a feminist in me that’s standing up and saying, “how dare he!”

    I told him my mixed emotions about it. He wasn’t being rude – it was said in a conversation of openess and honesty.

    Hmmm



  33.  #33Rosa on October 15, 2010 at 8:08 am

    Hi Hadassah,

    Thanks for the detailed clarifications and good for you !You sound like you have worked hard with your feelings and being authentic. He seems very open with his comments, no game playing there. That feels good to me.

    Lying soaking in the tub , taking your time , steam and bubbles and perfumed oil , I can see it now, not always being available , yep…WAY TO GO ! Date yourself , see family (and rotate the days around ), and start to see other friends too and we will soon have him stop taking you for granted. His reaction to your being less available speaks volumes.

    The C dating is relationship spice..for YOU. You just get tastier and yummier and more irresistible when your life expands .You may have to put him on a diet!

    You wont have time to feel angry with him . I like that you are feeling the anger right now though . Its a great place to start. When I feel angry, as i become aware of the feeling in my body, I say “Oh thats rage i am feeling!” And I try to really feel it in my body , pay close attention to it and just observe it , where is it , how big ,what does it feel like ? Often its a hot chokey sensation in my upper chest that spreads right through into my back and shoulders. I can imagine it shrinking and it just evaporates and dissolves or sometimes I drip it out of finger tips.

    Then I always ask myself what desire, need or expectation of mine is not being met? What or who am i trying to control? Is it a cover-up anger , hiding my fear or guilt? What is the threat? And I often find my anger has been just a habit sort of flaring up when i am tired and stressed. I am getting a lot calmer in my responses nowadays.

    What do other sirens do to deal with angry feelings ?

    I can see that having regular time out will be fantastic now you have family close by, and not just for babysitting , also for taking out a lot of the “pressure ” for both of you.He wont have to feel so responsible for your social life and well being and you can relax more and feel life opening up. And hopefully be less stressed too.
    Its all good!



  34.  #34tinque on October 15, 2010 at 8:11 am

    This feels weird to me Siena. I can’t even imagine my man telling me he would like me to dress differently.
    Hmmm. I want to think more on this.
    xxoo



  35.  #35Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Siena, that does feel intriguing. It would probably be an interesting experiment to find out what he means by sexy. So rather than him telling you what’s sexy to him, he’ll show you.

    I’d feel a little nervous about that, just anticipating where he’s gonna take me or ask me to try on. Maybe excited with a little trace of fear. I don’t want to feel obligated to wear something just because he likes it. I want to feel good too.

    Hmmm…

    It’s a chance to reinvent myself too. To throw off this old vibe and try on a new one. Even if it’s for a night.

    I feel excited. Let me know how it goes!



  36.  #36Siena on October 15, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Tinque and SS, you both captured my thoughts exactly.

    Tinque, I’d venture to say that you showed up sexy for K, which may be a reason why he never said anything about it.

    I show up cute and trendy – and conservative. Mover Man’s right!

    …and SS – yes, a chance to reinvent myself (which is the reason I’m here anyway!) I don’t think he means sexy as in kinky (actually, I know he doesn’t mean that). But it still feels weird and out of my comfort zone – which is actually a good thing.

    hmmm, I don’t even know if I want to feel sexy outside. It feels revealing and scary to me – I told him that.

    So maybe this is just what the doctor ordered to help me heal some old stuff that doesn’t belong in my life.

    …but it’s still weird that a guy told me that. (Or is it!?)



  37.  #37Hadassah on October 15, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Siena – Forgive me if I am asking you to repeat yourself, but since I am at work and sneaking being on non-work related websites and can’t read everything as clearly as I would like to – is it the fact that he wants to spend money on you so generously, or the fact that he wants you to “dress sexy” that rubbed you the wrong way?



  38.  #38Siena on October 15, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Hadassah, it’s the fact that he wants me to change the way I dress when I’m with him. (He can spend money on me all day long, I’m okay with that!)

    I don’t know if it rubbed me the wrong way. I’m still trying to work it out. I feel some resistance to changing how I dress for a man… but at the same time, I know I don’t dress sexy when I’m out and about, and I know that this particular guy (and maybe most men – who knows) likes to be with a woman who looks really good.

    I take care of myself and always look put together… but not in a sexy way.

    So I feel conflicted.



  39.  #39Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Siena,

    I have to run out…. But GO SHOPPING 😀
    Let me live vicariously through you ….please……

    Maybe he means sexy as in lingerie? 😉
    Maybe he means conservative as in “dressed”. 😉 hehe



  40.  #40Siena on October 15, 2010 at 9:30 am

    LOL Nikita – you totally made me laugh!!

    I asked him what he meant, which is where the “I’ll take you shopping and buy it for you” came in to the conversation.

    I wear lingerie and am sexy at home. It’s just when I’m out and about that I totally cover up.

    I realize that this is totally about him, which is why I feel some resistance to it. He wants other men to see me with him and be jealous.

    So he wants me to look like arm candy.

    Part of me wants to give him what he wants, part of me wants to withhold it.



  41.  #41Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Siena,

    Let’s see, you’re the one who was wearing a “wife beater” a few months ago, right? 🙂

    You know, I found at my large size that it IS possible to dress sexily without dressing slutty! As in, without exposing skin, which, in my case, would be rolls! **Sigh!**

    Here are sexy, non-revealing outfits I like:

    A tank top under a sheer, delicate blouse
    Tight jeans
    A dress
    Polyester pajamas (shirt and pants that match) with lace worn as a dressy outfit
    A blouse with a slightly-low neck
    Accessories like belts, jewelry, scarves

    What do you think/feel?



  42.  #42Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Siena,

    I like to think of it as dressing feminine, not sexy. I usually only wear button down shirts if it’s under a jumper, so it doesn’t look too manly, unless it’s a floral print or bright red and inherently feminine looking.

    Why do you dress the way you do? Is it moral or is it a lack of self-esteem?



  43.  #43Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Maybe it isn’t what he said but how he said it? Or limiting beliefs within you?

    I will speak from my experience…Kenny gave me many, detailed suggestions on how to dress. He was just trying to help me, to give me an idea of what men like. It helped me be objective about myself, and I really appreciated it. I guess his attitude was totally centered around me, not him, and that’s what made the difference.

    I have a fantasy about wanting to shop for a man! I think it’s a very romantic thing for a couple to do! The closest I ever got was the time my brother let me help him shop, because he knew I had more of an eye for fashion than him. He was very happy with what we selected together, and he told me he got lots of compliments!

    If I were you, I’d have fun with it! 🙂



  44.  #44Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 9:44 am

    .
    37: Siena

    I say bring on the shopping! However, I prefer to have a guy say “have fun shopping and hand me a Bergdorf card.” Hmmm, I might not have that happen again…it’s been a while…

    So,,, I’d take the guy shopping with me and we’d pick out something together. One fashion choice. I would not want a man to decide he could change my entire wardrobe. It’s up to you of course. Could be fun!

    That would be a way for me to learn more about a guy’s taste level and point-of-view.

    SLV



  45.  #45Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Hadassah,

    My pleasure, you’re making me blush lol

    Remember that you guys just got off an… “off” period so don’t quickly accepted to see him, even if your not doing anything serious like talking to Obama, find something to do for you. So my advice would be not to see him tonite you can say something like ” i feel excited just thinking about seing you but i feel really tired and just want to go to bed early… can’t even hold the phone” and kaboom… wha!!! what’s going on here ??? she feels sleepy and won’t let me come over for not like even a second… cause she feels sleepy ! but i want to see her ! wha didn’t she at LEAST stay on the phone to talk to me ? i can’t wait to see if i’m gonna be able to see her tomorrow, i’m gonna drop the baseball game… i can watch it on youtube anyways ! and there you have a grown man who is eager to see you !

    Working out, shopping, taking baby out… good, very good ! you still can do better than that, try going to the spa, changing your hair color, go to the cinema, plan a day at the beach or karaoke night or do things that allows you to stay home if you feel like it : make soirees like pasta night, mexican/idian/italian food night, bingo night, horror movie night, monopoly night, scrable night… with your family that will keep you entertained, busy, happy and will bring you closer to your family has a bonus ! your baby will be there with you happy with the good vibe that will be around her. It won’t cause a lot of money and ask of you to go out of your way to keep your mind off of him when he’s not in front of you and didn’t make plans to see you. And YOUR vibe will be how it always should be, cool, relax and happy.
    There is so many fun and new things you can do for you ! even if you don’t have friends. when he calls you and hears you laughing like crazy and asking if he can call you later bcause your brother is going to cheat on scrable if you don’t watch him… eu… i would feel very happy to see you tonite but… you know, i don’t know at what time i’ll be free… after we are going to make pasta lol oh you wanna come over ? hum sure you can come !

    See… it’s not difficult and you will enjoy yourself.

    Kisses
    Pepe



  46.  #46Siena on October 15, 2010 at 9:49 am

    LOL WIFE BEATERS ARE SEXY!!! Your breasts hang out! (LOL!)

    Honestly, when he says sexy, I think he means slutty. Because I DO wear trendy stuff, which is usually pretty sexy (I thought!)

    I always have a push up bra on, and wear lots of stylized tank tops with nothing over them, skinny jeans, strapless top or dress… and then whatever jewelry I feel good in.

    I also always have my makeup, hair and nails done… but I don’t need a lot of makeup and so don’t wear it.

    Why do I feel so much resistance to this!?

    The other day, getting my hair done, the hairdresser said just about the same thing to me. She asked how I wanted my hair styled, and I said, “whatever’s easy.” And she said, “Aw, come on! You gotta sex it up!”

    So this is a repeating message.



  47.  #47Siena on October 15, 2010 at 9:55 am

    This is why I love this blog, because I can receive great feedback that challenges my beliefs.

    Brenda, it’s not a moral thing. It’s a “I feel exposed” thing. Honesty time here. I feel afraid of looking too good. My looks don’t match my self esteem (if that makes sense). So I dress down to match how I feel inside. I don’t want to deal with the attention I’d get if I dressed sexy when I’m outside the house. That attention scares and overwhelms me.

    I’m working on increasing my value – both in my personal and professional life. So this maybe is a manifestation of a way that I could do that. But it feels uncomfortable.

    SLV – LOL! I’d love to just get the card, but I’d come home with more of the same… not sexy! LOL!

    I love to hear that it feels romantic and fun to some! That’s not how I feel at all about it, but I would like to!



  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

    The talk about fashion resonates here. I need to revamp my look. As part of my CD “location scouting” I’d borrowed a book from the library with some fashion update ideas for ,, uh, uhmmm “Moms” with grown-up daughters. “Steal This Style” by Sherrie Mathieson.

    I hadn’t read the book but talk of shopping made me finally take a peek. I have discovered that what I am wearing right now looks very much like one of the “before” pics and it is described as “Little House on the Prairie.”

    I don’t usually wear long skirts; only doing it now because all jeans and pants i usually wear are in the laundry. Not that the tee shirts and tops I’ve been wearing are any more flattering. I could use some updating…

    Updating…for dating….for dating up… Am I riffing? 😆

    SLV



  49.  #49Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Siena, maybe it’s time to let go of the limiting belief that you aren’t sexy as hell in your current clothes. I’ve seen your picture girl and conservative is NOT what I thought at all.

    I do feel curious what he means. I mean, I would feel curious about what my man means when he thinks “sexy”. And while I might change some of my style, what I wear is kind of a part of me. I would feel the same resistance mainly because I think I’m hella sexy right now. 🙂 I would feel surprised if a guy said that to me, like “you don’t think THIS is sexy?”



  50.  #50Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 10:01 am

    This explains the giver/taker nature of women vs. men:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNqnD6JaXq0&feature=related

    A woman needs to take what she needs from a man, instead of expecting to be given to her (which most of the time never happens). Women are givers by nature, unfortunately men aren’t wired the same way. Unless you ask, they don’t know they’re not giving you enough.



  51.  #51Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 10:04 am

    I’d be curious to uncover why he thinks XYZ is sexy? Like is it a fetish (innocent but can’t think of another word) type thing or does he just have some fantasy in his head? I think this could be really fun if I kept an open mind.

    And only do/wear what feels good.

    Being sexy, really owning it, can feel intimidating at first.

    I put on basic jeans and a pullover this morning. Caught myself in the mirror and thought “damn I’m hot”. And I mean that. 🙂



  52.  #52Siena on October 15, 2010 at 10:05 am

    SS – there’s a pic on my FB where I am trying to look sexy… and I just look dumb. I’m not knocking myself, but just telling the truth. I cover up sexy with “sweet” and “accommodating”.

    Blech.

    I feel curious what he means also. He’ll have to show me. I’m not sure that changing my clothes will make me sexier. I have a feeling it’s an inside-out job.

    😉



  53.  #53Debbie on October 15, 2010 at 10:06 am

    I’m brand new to this but I would be so grateful for any feedback on this.

    My BF of 4 years broke it off in Jan. It’s been a tough year. He has kept communicating with me in small ways, little emails, a phone message, but nothing that is particularly caring or thoughtful or that really asks or invites me. I’ve just stayed neutral and focused on my life and working on my own issues and have gotten involved with two amazing communities and programs. But he never really goes away. So about a month ago, I finally felt strong enough and made my own commitment that I don’t want a virtual relationship. So quietly, without saying anything, I “unfriended” him on FB. Last week, he sent a text saying that he’s been thinking about me and hopes I am well. There were no question marks. I’m am considering two options: no response, or the following, which for me feels like the first time I’ve been able to clearly identify what I want and how I feel.
    “I like hearing from you, but I don’t want a virtual relationship. I don’t want to feel unimportant, I feel frustrated with casual communication and I feel confused about your motives for connecting with me. What do you think?”
    I feel that if I send this I will at least really find out how important it might be to him to keep me in his life. I guess the bigger question is, what are my motives for sending this? I am always hopeful that he will “show up” in a quality way. I also can understand how powerful it is just to move on and see what the months ahead will reveal. We still both have to face our emotions around the holidays coming up… a time that was always very special for us…



  54.  #54Siena on October 15, 2010 at 10:07 am

    “Caught myself in the mirror and thought “damn I’m hot”. And I mean that.”

    I would love to feel that way. Usually I just feel “oh well” when I look in the mirror.



  55.  #55Siena on October 15, 2010 at 10:08 am

    “Or does he just have some fantasy in his head?”

    LOL I’m absolutely 100%, totally, completely, positive he has a fantasy in his head… and he wants me to meet that. Intimidating is the right word!



  56.  #56Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Idea – Ever seen those boudoir photography shots? I know there are a million photographers doing that now. I’ve always wondered if I’d have the nerve to do that. I’d love to do that for myself. Eek. Kind of scary!



  57.  #57Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 10:11 am

    .
    48: Siena says:

    “I’m working on increasing my value.”</

    Ohhhhh, I like that! I'm going to make it one of my "mantras." "I'm working on increasing my value, I'm working on increasing my value."

    Or, "I have value. I'm working on expressing my value." I like this one too. I'm going to be thinking some of these things this afternoon. Thanks for the jumpstart. I'm going to play with these words a little.

    SLV



  58.  #58Siena on October 15, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Oh man, I’ve always wanted to do a shot like that too! Like the ones that Erika Awakening had done! Or give my man as a Christmas present a calendar – with a pic of “sexy” me for each month!



  59.  #59Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 10:13 am

    I cover up my sexy with the sweet and innocent thing too. I just told a girlfriend that I have no other photo look except a smile. She just posted a collage picture of her with all these looks (all non-smiling). I’m going to practice them!

    I’m practicing conjuring up an image in my head to correspond with the expression I want. For sexy, well it’s… ummm yeah. 🙂 Or wait, what’s the emotican for sexy? LOL!



  60.  #60Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Emotican? Emoticon. Hahaha!

    And yes to the calendar thing. I get turned on just imagining my guy seeing me like that!

    Ok, gotta run. Siena, I think this sounds like great fun and intimidating. Just the right mix to keep you off balance. That feels exciting!



  61.  #61Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 10:16 am

    @52: Simply Shannon says:
    “Caught myself in the mirror and thought “damn I’m hot…”

    I caught myself in the mirror too but I only thought: “Damn!” So gonna have to change up a few things. 😯

    SLV



  62.  #62Debbie on October 15, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Hi I’m new to this and would be grateful for any feedback!

    My BF of 4 years broke up with me in Jan. It’s been a long year but I pretty much focused on myself, got involved with two great communities and feel overall back in my own life. Meanwhile, he hasn’t really gone away. He every few weeks sends a casual email, or text or call. For a while, I felt like responding but I have overall remained quite neutral. About a month ago, I realized that all these casual communications felt bad and I made a commitment to myself that I didn’t want a virtual relationship. I quietly without saying anything “unfriended” him on FB and decided to myself that I am only interested in quality, caring and thoughtful relationships and communications. Last week, he sent a text saying that he was thinking about me and hoped I was well. No question marks there. I see two options. One no response, OR the following response, which feels to me the first time I would clearly be communicating to him what I want, don’t want and how I feel:
    “I like hearing from you, but I don’t want a virtual relationship. I don’t want to feel unimportant, I feel frustrated with casual communication and I feel confused about your motives for connecting with me. What do you think?”
    Part of me would love to have the information of his response. I guess the bigger questions is, what are my own motives for connecting….
    Any suggestions are so welcome!!!



  63.  #63tinque on October 15, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Okay I’ve done the sexy photos, LOTS of them. I took them way far into totally raunchy. I even did close up feefee part shots. Anyone who has read my book knows all about this.
    The graphic ones I did by myself (really hard to do).
    With the other ones, it’s great fun if you have a photographer (a woman please) with whom you can feel more comfortable. Yes it feels weird and scary at first. For me I never totally at ease, but it was fun. The response I received was well worth it. I have done two books and two additional DVDs, assorted random shots I have left on the computer as well as a few video clips.
    I highly recommend it to any and all.
    As for dressing sexy vs. dressing slutty. Sexy come from within as you said Siena. If you can feel that inside, you will still exude sexy when you are eighty and saggy and wrinkly.
    Dressing sexy by exposing flesh, even though it’s a lovely dress, for example the case I’m thinking of was a colorful, floaty sundress that was low cut and fitted around the boobies, can attract unwanted attention. Slutty could be worse, yet some women like this kind of attention, so….
    Made me feel really, really uncomfortable though, and I went right into feeling self-conscious.
    If you feel sexy, you will BE sexy. Take Shannon’s suggestion. Tell yourself this EVERY day. Eventually you’ll begin to believe it.
    xxoo



  64.  #64lm on October 15, 2010 at 10:36 am

    i feel so panicky!!!

    i am going out with a guy from work tonight. we’ve had a flirtation for a long time and we both just got out of relationships with bad breakups.

    i have had a crazy burst of feelings over the past half hour…fear, anxiety that i’m going to end up being bored of him because he is a nice guy and not a toxic man, feeling sick to my stomach, grief over my last relationship (with another guy from work), missing him SO much physically…all i can think about is waking up in his bed, even though i haven’t missed him like that in a long time and he was very angry and very unloving towards the end…

    i feel really out of sorts. i did a bunch of eft, but i still feel super-nauseated. sigh.



  65.  #65Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Siena,

    You said, “I feel afraid of looking too good. My looks don’t match my self esteem (if that makes sense). So I dress down to match how I feel inside. I don’t want to deal with the attention I’d get if I dressed sexy when I’m outside the house. That attention scares and overwhelms me.”

    I totally relate, because there was a time I was slender, too. I say, “Fake it til you make it!” I started dressing sexy (at that time I was bordering on really exposing myself, but not any more, even if I were slender again). My self-esteem didn’t match my looks, but my looks and getting noticed helped me work on my inner looks.

    I want to give the quote Erika shared with us that has meant so much to me, and it totally applies here:

    Debbie Ford:
    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us. It’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    What do you think n feel?



  66.  #66Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Sienna,

    Didn’t dig the “My looks don’t match my self esteem (if that makes sense)” comment at all !!! I understand what you’re sayin but it sure doesn’t make any sense to me. Your self esteem is your everything, work on it girl !
    Instead of trying to guess “what he meant by that” next time you talk to him you can say something like : ” i’ve been thinking about what u said about taking me shopping , i really appreciate it ! but i don’t want to change the way i look just to please somebody else but at the same time…it would feel good to me to go shopping with someone that will really help me choose the clothes that fits me and why not make me feel sexy and good about myself… what do you think ? ”
    See ? you turned this sexy shopping thing on YOU, that will force him to focus on YOU and not a piece of *** with some skanky nigth gown on just so that he can enjoy the view and you also made him understand without having to tell him what he should do that you won’t change how you dress for him…. no cuz ! keep dreaming… that you don’t have a problem with him taking you shopping for sexy clothes and stuff but what will matter at the end of the day is that you feel sexy and comfortable at the same time in those clothes … not him but you… cause what if he wants you to dress like Frankenstein’s wife or like the matrix reloaded lady…what will you do than ?
    You can’t please everybody and don’t have too.
    This is an opportunity for you to create a close and intimate moment with a man while at the same time being true to yourself !
    And listen, you don’t like to wear sexy clothes… so what ??? feeling sexy is something that is very personnal and depens on the person’s taste. I thought King Kong was sexy… and those yellow eyes…. miam, but not everybody did and that’s just fine like that.

    Go to a fashion store try different clothes on… and fing what feels sexy to YOU. Free the sexy siren that is inside of you.

    Kisses
    Pepe



  67.  #67Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Pepe…

    “I thought King Kong was sexy… and those yellow eyes…. ”

    LOL! Love it! 😆



  68.  #68Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Brenda

    loooool yeah i like to think i’m funny ! sometimes.



  69.  #69Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 10:59 am

    .

    …I’m gonna change the way I strut my stuff…

    Shelley Winters – There’ll Be Some Changes Made [from “Playgirl” 1954] vid 2:25 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcNQipYOk3Q

    SLV



  70.  #70Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Here’s some gem of wisdom from Chris Rock :):

    “Pussy costs money, dick is free. Any money you spend on dick is a bad investment. ‘Cause when it comes to women and money, I tell you right now: nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There’s something about women reaching for their wallet that dries up their vagina! It’s almost like the wallet sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy getting wet for! And even later when you go the gynecologist, she’s like: Oh my God, you’ve been paying for shit!!! Another $500 you’re gonna be menopause.”



  71.  #71life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 11:21 am

    I believe Chris Rock!!

    The only thing I disagree with is the reference to menopause (but I realize it’s for effect)

    all menopause means is that you stopped having periods, not that you lost your mojo! I am sexier now than I was twenty years ago.

    Going out on a circular date tonight!



  72.  #72Denise on October 15, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Siena, go shop! Let this man give you attention, like the siren you are. You will discover something about You and perhaps Him, too! Use it as an experiment to boost you. You do not have to agree with him, or buy what he wants, solely. You have an opinion and final say on the purchases.

    Also, be careful that he does not want to buy your affection. Does he show you he cares, otherwise? Or is he doing this because he needs to give too much??
    This brings us back to the post topic.

    If you are hearing this from two sources, others are realizing something you are ignoring! Beauty does come from within. Practice being beautiful!

    A good male friend of mine is dating a woman who he really likes, and she is pretty. But he can’t stand her uber casual style, so he has talked at length to me about it as he respects my fashion sense, and he wanted to be ginger with her feelings on this. So we came up with a plan of action for him. He was very careful with her, shopped with her a few times, simply pointing out what he likes as he sees it, and gave her compliments, such as “this would be super on you!” and later, for birthday, he bought her presents, without her, and a gift certificate to an upscale women’s clothing store for her special day, and they went to the store together to pick out the items. This woman definitely has a self-confidence issue and is concerned with her flaws. He barely notices them, he just wanted her to look a bit more hip and attractive as he sees her on the inside!

    Hopefully, this man will be ginger with you, too! Enjoy!



  73.  #73Siena on October 15, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Thank you all for your feedback.

    I feel sad hearing that now I have to work on myself to be sexy. Let’s see, that means, I have to work on: my body to be fit, my hair and makeup to always look put together, my money consciousness to bring in more clients and money, my self esteem to be sexier and more attractive.

    I’m starting to wonder if I have anything worthwhile going for me!

    Please, no one comment on that – I’ve just decided to throw a pity party for myself. I just want to work through these feelings and release them without anyone trying to make me feel better.

    I almost don’t want to post this because I hate feeling “poor me”. But I’m gonna do it anyway so that it can leave me…



  74.  #74Denise on October 15, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Chris Rock is a riot!

    Good for you Life is too short, with a newbie CD for today!

    Im- forget the past! Be happy! Focus on the moment when you are in the moment. Do not project what you cannot predict. Why panic over nothing? Lean back, and try to have fun! Just BE. And be open to the possibilities!



  75.  #75Siena on October 15, 2010 at 11:45 am

    It occurs to me that my resistance to this is just another shade of my feelings of anger against masculine men… the reason I came to this blog many many moons ago.

    He wants to shop for me, he wants to take care of me, give me money, protect me… all good things! And on the outside, it’s great! But I feel really weird being taken care of in that way by another person. I have always taken care of myself, although I’ve HATED that I had to.

    So now I’m receiving what I asked for, but it doesn’t quite look like I thought it would, and it feels uncomfortable.



  76.  #76Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Siena,

    I know none of us are saying you are not good enough. Is that your NVs speaking? Give them a cookie and send them to the corner!

    You are wonderful, xactly the way you are!



  77.  #77Siena on October 15, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Now I’m just spamming the blog, getting it all out there…

    Here’s another thing. The other night – as we were gazing into each other’s eyes he said, “you look REALLY tired.”

    LOL. I laughed and said, “You’re supposed to say I look ravishing”

    I thought about that afterward, and it’s true. I feel very tired of doing it all myself. I really do want to be taken care of and feel some of the “fat” of life. I’ve been living lean for so long, I’m tired.

    I feel afraid that if I stop now I’ll lose what I have built… I think I’m gonna book a massage.



  78.  #78Siena on October 15, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Bren, yes – my NVs. I know everything here that was said to me was said out of love and honesty.



  79.  #79Turtle Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:51 am

    #69 Katrina
    OMG gurl………LMAO…so true…Thank you! Great comedy is always because there is a ring of truth in what is funny! Muuuuuhah……….



  80.  #80Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Dear All,
    I have a question- how do we differentiate expectations from pre-conditions in a relationship (with regard to receiving) ??? If I wanted a man to gift me gifts and take me out and spend for me on dinners and coffee, and if I felt bitter and resentful that he did not do that, is it becasue of my expecation? Or is it becasue he failed to meet the precondition to make me feel good and wanted?
    Meemee



  81.  #81lm on October 15, 2010 at 11:53 am

    that chris rock joke will make it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pick up the cheque tonight! thanks!!! 🙂



  82.  #82lm on October 15, 2010 at 11:53 am

    thanks denise! i feel much much better now…!



  83.  #83Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Siena, the first thing that came to my mind about the wardrobe issue was that one of the first signs of an abusive boyfriend is that he asks the girl to wear different clothes. And the fact that you mention your self-esteem being an issue . . . fits right into that dynamic.

    On the other hand, it could be completely innocent. I’m not judging him or you — just pointing out something that is often a classic warning sign. Have you seen the movie, “Reviving Ophelia”? It is a powerful movie that chronicles the subtle progression of abuse.

    I feel scared posting this. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me for it. 🙁 I don’t want to trigger anyone. And hopefully Mover Man is just a wonderful man with an innocent idea and it will all be fun and full of love.

    Love,
    Lucy



  84.  #84Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Lucy, your post is part of what is triggering me. I feel afraid of surrendering to that level of care giving because… what if he IS abusive!? What if it is a control issue with him?

    Where’s the line between a masculine man who genuinely wants to protect and provide for a woman – and one who wants to control?

    I mean, there is a certain amount of surrender that is required when I encounter a man like this, and I don’t want it to fall into an abusive pattern.

    On another post, I wrote about “Strong surrender.” I know how to do the forward leaning, “I’ve got my armor on” protecting myself bit… but I’m not sure if I have the “I’m strong and can surrender to you even if you turn out to be abusive” thing.

    That, in a nutshell, is why I dated weak men for so long. I always knew I could “handle” them.



  85.  #85Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    …what I meant was, “I can do the strong surrender thing, and then still leave with my whole self intact if you turn out to be abusive”



  86.  #86tinque on October 15, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Siena – You gots the rose remedy. Go take some please.
    xxoo



  87.  #87Renee on October 15, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Katarina — Chris rock speaks the truth! lol.

    I like the bit he does about women living on only 2 things — compliments and shoes…there’s a certain truth to that as well :D.



  88.  #88Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Meemee, #79 my feeling is – he is showing you who he is. You can make the decision of whether the way that he dates you makes you feel good or not. You can’t change him. Another man would LOVE to spend money on you and buy you gifts and dinner. Some men do, some men don’t.

    So you have the choice to either decide that you don’t need gifts and dinners bought for you – and then never feel bad about it. Or you decide that you DO need those things, and find a man who does it.

    Or – just continue to CD this one, and practice saying what you really want and feel – while you date others and experience being wined and dined.



  89.  #89Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Tinque – LOL. I just did. Thank you 🙂 xoxoxo



  90.  #90Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Siena, I feel relieved that my words were heard in the spirit of love in which they were written.

    Maybe this is a good time to stop analyzing, and tune in to your intuition . . . the place inside where you can trust YOURSELF to keep you safe, each step of the way. What do you think?

    The mistake I made was letting other people talk me out of what my intuition was telling me.

    Love and hugs to you, wonderful, beautiful, sexy Siena. <3

    Lucy



  91.  #91Renee on October 15, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    I am missing Blondie today…I really am. I know I’ve got this date tomorrow with a man (I’ll call him RR) who makes more money and is (at least at this point) totally into me, but it’s Blondie that I want and at this point, I don’t think he gives a sh*t about me…haven’t heard from him today at all and this will be the first time since we’ve been dating that I haven’t heard from him for the whole day…tears starting to form because I know things are fading away for him…I can actually “feel” them fading away for him right now and it feels awful…

    Trying to catch up with work and do nice things for myself today…had botox and a brow wax and now I need to go shopping for a client’s project, which will be somewhat absorbing, but he’s not far from my thoughts…I don’t think it helps that I wore his t-shirt that I slept in last time I stayed at his house today…it reeks of him and that memory is powerful.



  92.  #92Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Lucy, just now… right before I looked at your post, and right after I took some of Tinque’s Rose remedy… I said to myself, “you’re analyzing this WAY too much, and it’s driving you crazy. Stop it.”

    I CAN trust myself. I’m strong, capable, and highly intuitive.

    Thank you Lucy!!



  93.  #93Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Tinque, what does the rose remedy do?

    I love what you wrote about taking pictures. Last year when I got a great new cell phone with camera, I used it to take hundreds of sexy pics of myself — I was amazed at how hot I looked! Hehe. [embarrassed to say that about myself]

    I found it to be a fun, easy, and rewarding experience!

    <3
    Lucy



  94.  #94Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Lucy,

    wooooow, you made a good point ! i haven’t thought of THAT side of things…it is true that in some cases abusive relationships starts like that but i also think that somebody can try to change you all they want or force you to do things you don’t want too but if you stick to yourself like white on rice from the start, if he is an abuser he will let this and you go.
    But if he “feels” that insecurity, that second-guessing, analyzing everything something else says, or thinking wayyyy too much about what he meant when he said ” babe it’s maybe time for a wax” or “some people don’t realise when they look ridic” but his eyes are locked on your hair… and you quickly jump or go over and over in your head with what he said- does that mean he doesn’t like my hair-should i change my hair-or get an extension-or should i clue a bird’s feather on my hair- what i try teh Donald Trump haircut… you think he doesn’t sees that but he so does ! and that’s how everything start he starts to control you slowly because he knows how insecure yo u feel and than some day he beats you up like your a punching bag because you don’t you liked it when he farts next to you….

    You’re driving your brain tweezy over something that a man said… and that you don’t even know what it means !
    Relax Sienna

    Kisses
    Pepe



  95.  #95Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Siena, yes you are, and yes you can. 🙂

    You are welcome! <3



  96.  #96Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    haha thanks Pepe. I didn’t answer your earlier post directly, but I DID talk to him about it, asked him what it meant… the whole feeling message conversation. We had a long conversation about it.

    But I still felt triggered by it, which is why I came here. I’m working on my self esteem. It’s tons better than it used to be!



  97.  #97Siena on October 15, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    …and now… off to my massage. Good thing I’m rich! 😉

    Thank you lovely Sirens for helping me through this tough morning.

    …and everyone, grill Tinque about her Rose remedy and other awesome products that she has. I received a bunch of them in the mail yesterday and I am absolutely, totally 100% in love with them! Talk about feeling like a Siren! Wow!



  98.  #98Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Tinque,

    RE: #85 – What’s the rose remedy?



  99.  #99Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Lucy,

    Right on: “Maybe this is a good time to stop analyzing, and tune in to your intuition . . . the place inside where you can trust YOURSELF to keep you safe, each step of the way. What do you think?

    The mistake I made was letting other people talk me out of what my intuition was telling me.”

    Hey, I have a mental hangup about contacting Hawk, my new CD, and changing the date so we are free to go on Wed the 20th to the POF event. There I just forced myself to email him, asking if we can meet this weekend instead of the 20th.



  100.  #100Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Re:#87
    Siena, He is no more in my life. So I really do not have to take any actions. The reason why I asked this question is different.
    I felt intrigued when I read what Rori wrote about expecations. I had this man man in my life who did nothing (literally nothing) to make me feel good or wanted. By talking about coffee and dinners I was not talking about the money factor, but was looking at them as gestures of wanting spend time with me.
    When I pointed out this issue, he always said the problem is not with him not doing what he should do, but the problem is with my expectations.

    It might sound funny- I don’t have a problem with term “expectations” per se. But I feel uneasy when I hear a man use it- because most of the time they use it to make excuses for not doing things
    Meemee



  101.  #101Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Brenda, if he can’t change your date, I’m fine with skipping the pof event. Other things will come along. <3



  102.  #102Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    I’ve been on a new paid site for about 3 weeks now, bbpeoplemeet, for BBWs. Most of the men send a flirt instead of a message. And when they do email me, so far, out of many, none at all have ever made a move to call me or ask me out.

    Do men send you all winks and flirts instead of messages? Are they a bunch of wimps? I feel really disappointed and I already quit the site about a week ago, so my membership will end after a month. Ugh I am getting to detest internet dating.



  103.  #103Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Brenda, I usually just ignore the winks — unless he looks like someone I would REALLY be interested in — which has happened maybe once or twice.



  104.  #104Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #97 – You mean he wouldn’t even take you out for coffee? He was being a total loser. Or he didn’t want to be seen with you in public. I dated a man a few years ago, and he only wanted to meet at my house or his. Then he admitted one night that he felt attracted to me, but he felt embarrassed being seen with a woman who was overweight. I felt like a piece of shit.



  105.  #105Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Lucy,

    I was not saying I didn’t want to go to the POF event. I just was having a hard time contacting Hawk to cancel. I already did it. I am still going to the POF event. Are you?



  106.  #106Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Lucy,

    I was ignoring the winks on this site until I realized nothing would go anywhere if I did. I am just glad the membership will die.



  107.  #107Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Brenda, I just meant that if for whatever reason, you and he need to stick with the original date — like if he emails back and says Wednesday was the only free spot he has for awhile or something — I won’t feel bad.

    But if it still works out, YES, I’d love to go with you! 🙂

    Did you say it was a 50’s thing? Are we supposed to wear 50’s clothes? What are you wearing? 😀



  108.  #108Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, we took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have sen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jesus, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee



  109.  #109Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Lucy,

    No, it’s 50s in the sense of being for singles age 50 and over!

    He emailed me back and that’s his only time slot open for a while. But I still don’t want to miss the POF event. I wasn’t that attracted to him, and he said he will wait for another time.



  110.  #110Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, we took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have sen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jesus, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee



  111.  #111tinque on October 15, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    “Tinque, what does the rose remedy do?”

    The remedies I make are flower remedies, like the Back Flower Remedies if you are familiar with those.
    I make them from flowers I grow in my garden.
    Rose is for opening and expanding the heart.
    My favorite is Lemon Balm which is for feeling deserving of love, by self and others. I ran out of this one, and my back stock spoiled, so I use rose instead with actually the same results, so…
    Love is love I suppose.
    I make others as well.
    Like with any remedies, you want to take them as needed, or if you feel you need them consistently, take a week or so break every month or so.
    xxoo



  112.  #112Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, he took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have seen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jesus, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee



  113.  #113tinque on October 15, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    I disagree with Pepe about men noticing if you’re feefee needs waxing or if your hair is askew or anything YOU might think is unattractive.
    A good guy will likely NOT notice, and if you bring it up, he will at you sideways. If he does happen to notice, he SO won’t care. He will probably deem it cute or endearing.
    xxoo



  114.  #114Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    🙁 🙁
    I posted somethinh. But it says my comment is awaiting moderation. What does that mean?



  115.  #115Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Pepe and Tinque,

    I think a good man who truly loves you won’t notice those things. I knew an abused woman whose marriage didn’t last, and he beat her down. One of her comments was, “I’m too hairy.” Other women I’ve talked to said their man said, “Oh, please don’t trim your hair! I like you hairy!” It all depends on taste and level of love. I want to marry a man who is very accepting.



  116.  #116Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Tinque,

    Thanks! Sounds lovely! I bet you have a cookie remedy, too, to feed to the NVs when they get out of hand! 🙂



  117.  #117Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Meemee,

    Did you post a website? Sometimes they get put in moderation. If you are using words like Jes*s, F*ck, etc, you need to use an asterisk or something or it will go in moderation.



  118.  #118Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Brenda
    Oh okay okay
    I used Jes*s. That is why. Will remove that and post it again
    Meemee



  119.  #119Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    I never heard a vagina called a feefee before! This is embarrassing and funny! My Mom and I have had a nickname for each other for years: Oofie. Sometimes we do a variation of it and call each other feefee! LOL! No more!



  120.  #120Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Re:#103
    Brenda,
    Yes, he did not. Once or twice he did. Those were not by invitation. On his way back from office, he took me to have a quick coffee with him. That is all. All the other time I asked, I begged, I suggested, I invited, I made a huge fuss and he took me out.
    I remember once we were at a coffee shop and as we were having coffee some of our colleagues came to the same place. He asked me to finish the coffee fast and get out. He did not want to be seen with me. (But I have seen him spending hours and hours on coffee with his other female friends).
    He used to meet me only at my place (not even his). And after sex he would go without even asking me whether I want to go out with him. If I asked (Jes*s, how shameless I was) he will say “Oh, why are you always expecting too much”.
    Expectations- I start to belive men can use that word to avoid taking responsibility, to avoid being nice!!
    Meemee



  121.  #121Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    If I have to delete a comment I have posted, how do I do it?
    Sorry, this shows the extent of my ignorance 🙂
    Meemee



  122.  #122Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Meemee,

    Eeewww! That man is sick! What a jerk! It was totally him, not you! The way we have discussed handling it here is a feeling message something like this:

    I want to be romanced. It would feel so good to be wined and dined. What do you think?

    You have every right to expect that. I have found just by accident that a way of separating quality men from non-quality men is if I hold off having sex with them. If a man truly wants a long term relationship, and he is truly selfless and about you, he will not pressure you for sex from the door.

    If a man wants sex on the first or second date, who is he about pleasing? Himself. If he asks for sex and I say no and he stops dating me, it proves he was about sex, not about me. If he asks for sex and I say no and he still dates me, he is worth taking a sexond, I mean, second look at. If he talks about hanging out at my place and not taking me out, most likely he is after sex.

    Ryan was an exception to that, and I’m sure there are others. Ryan mostly had dates at my house for privacy (he lives with his parents) and because he doesn’t have much money, so he couldn’t afford to take me out much.

    I am setting my sights higher and higher. I want to be treated like a lady. I want to feel respected and esteemed and romanced.



  123.  #123Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Meemee,

    First of all, please don’t put yourself down, and please don’t apologize when you didn’t do anything wrong: “Sorry, this shows the extent of my ignorance”

    I don’t know how to delete a comment. I think only Rori can do that.



  124.  #124Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Along the lines of being esteemed, now I am glad that I canceled my date Wed. He said he was doing some work in my area that day. So he would have been all sweaty and dirty. And not making any effort to go out of his way for me. And I didn’t like it when he ended his email saying, “Let me ask you a question. Do people have sex anymore?” It was totally out of place. We had discussed nothing of sex thus far, which is one reason I was interested in him. I just don’t like to feel like a f*cking rabbit. Like a male rabbit spots a female rabbit and all he thinks is “F*CK!!!!”

    I’m a human being. I want to be esteemed as a human being. I am capable of more than animalistic behavior. I want to find a man that is, too. So far, Ryan is about the only man I’ve dated who didn’t try to use me for his own physical pleasure. He truly is looking for a partner for life. I miss him and today is Day 12. 🙁



  125.  #125Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Brenda,
    I too will love it when I am treated like a lady, when I feel romanced and respected and esteemed. But I think I have forgotten what does it feel like. Almost 3 years I spent stuck with this man made me forget all those. I do not want to blame him for this- I could have walked out the first time when he did it. I do not want to blame myself for it either. I did not know (till I came to know about Rori and this space) that I was being treated badly. I was good at finding excuses for people. I was good at tolerating bad behavior and then think that it shows my strength and ability to understand people.

    But now that I have realized it for what it is, realized him for what he is, I can start fresh.

    But what do I do with memories? I have bad bad memories which makes me shudder and feel awful at the very thought of it.

    Does Rori have any post on bad memories? and how to deal with them?

    Meemee



  126.  #126tinque on October 15, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    MeeMee – What thoughts you hold is a choice. You can choose to remember, or you can choose to push the memory away.
    Not the feelings though. Feel those, but the thoughts can be discarded.
    It may not be easy at first. You may have to push them away every other second. If you prefer you can shush them or yell at them or put your hand over their mouths or ignore them, but the more you do this, the easier it will become.
    And one day the memories will no longer have a hold on you.
    xxoo



  127.  #127Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Brenda,

    Do people have sex anymore ? looool come on !
    it’s not like he said YOU don’t have sex… like never ?
    Remember rori says not to care too much about what they say. He’s a guy and they tend to make sexual jokes but of course u’re the one who has to press the pause button when they go all wild with it or when you feel derespected… i would have laugh and say something like well you never know there’s less everything these days less jobs etc and turn the conversation around.
    And yes he didn’t go out of his way for you this time but maybe he will next time and he did take the time to explain why he wouldn’t be able to see you… lame excuse or not, you should appreciate that because some them don’t even bother.

    i don’t like to feel like a effin rabbit either lol

    Kisses
    Pepe



  128.  #128Meemee on October 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Tinque,
    What do you mean by pushing a memory away? Is it same as running away from a memory? That is what I do. When I get reminded of certain things, I immediately start reading, or go smoke a cigarrette, do some physical work and divert my attention. But when that memory breaks in the second time, it comes with double the force. Diverting it makes it difficult when I have to actually face it- like when I travel and I can not physically move around, or when I do not have a book with me etc
    Meemee



  129.  #129Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Pepe,

    Yes, it was nice that he explained his schedule. And his sex question came out of nowhere. I really don’t know what was in his mind when he said it. Most likely he just missed sex and wondered when he’d ever have sex again when he doesn’t even have time to develop a relationship.

    Meemee,

    When I have bad thoughts and memories, I gently replace them with a happy thought or a happy memory. It works well to focus on the beauty around you in the moment, and then you are living, not remembering. Or to touch something soft, so your sense are involved in living in the present.

    I used to be routinely treated badly by men because I didn’t know any better. It felt normal. I still have to catch myself.



  130.  #130tinque on October 15, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    MeeMee – If the memory comes back with double force, then you have not felt the feelings that go with.
    It’s very important to feel your feelings fully. They will change to another maybe better feeling feeling eventually, sooner if you allow them.
    The thoughts are a by product. Those you can push away.
    xxoo



  131.  #131Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Meemee,

    My advice to you would be to take those awful memories of yours and use them has a guide, to treat yourself better and not tolerate those behaviors from anybody else anymore,to remind yourself how you felt bad, sad or angry, humiliated when this and that happened and that you won’t let that happen to you again, you have to convince yourself that you won’t be a victim anymore and remember that this happened in the past and meemee will start to say NO esse ! i won’t let this or that happened again to me again, been there-done that…

    Don’t try to block those memories… use them to help yourself have boundaries.

    Kisses
    Pepe



  132.  #132Lizzie on October 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    I highly recommend having a fling with a married man – WOW! my guy came back. Awesome! I have learned so much from him in our completely sexual relationship – it is all about my pleasure. He will do anything to give me pleasure. It is so funny!!! I remember that from when we began back in January – everything is about my pleasure – I can have anything and everything I like from him. And no demands, no strings, no drama, I can just be me and as much of a wanton woman as I like. This is great!!! It takes all the pressure off of everything. I feel so wonderful.



  133.  #133Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    I feel mad and annoyed. I leave to get my hair did and ufff… All this brain thinking about clothes and shopping and twisting something into a big scary thing before it even happens. Note: I know everyone is in process. I get that. And I still feel annoyed.

    Why can’t it just be a shopping trip to find out what makes this man’s brain click? With the wonderful added benefit that I get beautiful clothes out the deal. Like shopping for plates or houses or whatever. I’d like to know what you think mister. What turns you on mister. Does he like argyle prints or bright colors? Does he favor black or gray or brown? Finding out what he likes doesn’t mean I have to change one bit.

    I don’t want to crawl inside his brain RIGHT NOW when he’s not present to answer the questions. WHEN I’m shopping with him, I can check how I feel about what he’s doing, what we’re doing. If I start feeling weird, I can say “hey, I feel weird about this right now. What do you think?”

    Yea, I feel tired of the mind masturbation. Gonna sign up for Match again tonight. Eeek. I feel scared but I want some real life practice.



  134.  #134Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Oh Lizzie girl, I’m gonna stand back and hold space for you my love because my judgments just smacked me da face.



  135.  #135Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    lizzie,

    When i see a married man i run like all hell broke loose ! but that’s me and i’m just sayin..
    But the fact that you don’t EXPECT anything from him is the key senoritas to radiate that vibe that man crave for, married or not ! and that married man will jump off a plane to be with you because of that… because he doesn’t feel like you need him and that’s good that you’re learning that from that experience.

    Keep up the good work and… i don’t know… enjoy

    Kisses
    Pepe



  136.  #136Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    lizzie,

    That married man… is his name…never mind

    Pepe



  137.  #137Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    “That married man… is his name…never mind”

    Hehe, yeah, I’m thinking it might be my ex-h . . . sounds a lot like him! Yummy sex, all about my pleasure! That is, when he wasn’t with other women…… 😀



  138.  #138Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Oh, wouldn’t that be wild if it really WAS him??? Lizzie, do you live in Canada? he travels there a lot.

    What’s going on with Family Guy?



  139.  #139BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    #21 SLV

    HA HA HA!!! I expect you contacted him right away – what fun 😀



  140.  #140BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    #42 Brenda

    OK you got me again!!

    “Let’s see, you’re the one who was wearing a “wife beater” a few months ago, right? ”

    What does this mean?

    I’m not sure how I would feel if a man wanted to take me clothes shopping, sure I wouldn’t mind him spending his money on me 🙂 but I don’t think I would like a man choosing what I should or shouldn’t wear- it feels controlling TO ME, mmmmm



  141.  #141Amy F. on October 15, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Meemee,

    You know what? I kind of use my bad memories after I have felt bad and sad, and laugh. I cannot believe I made a broken-down man into a Prince. Then, I let him give me crumbs, gave him jewels in return and THEN he walked away. I am that powerful (or the man-crack is that powerful). I can turn a pig into a Prince. It just makes me laugh now. Every once in a while I get a twinge of pain, but mostly I am laughing at how crazy in love I could fall with a pig. A real pig would be safer – I may be on the look out for a real pig that does not smell too much. I will keep you posted.



  142.  #142Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    traaaaalaaaalaaaaaaa



  143.  #143Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 4:28 pm


  144.  #144Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Profile idea – I don’t generally include any other details in my profile other than the main story (below). Last time was a list of my simple pleasures and that was awesome. Looking for something fresh. What do ya’ll think? Totally going for feeling messages this time. Start things off right. 🙂
    ********************************
    I feel inspired…
    “Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” Francis Chan.

    I feel smiley…
    How do you make a tissue dance?
    You put a little boogie in it.

    I feel invigorated…
    The warm sun, a sandy beach, new adventures.

    I feel happy and amazing love…
    My family, my friends, my church.

    I feel excited…
    You.

    What do you think?
    *************************

    Yes/No/Maybe. Check one and pass the note to me after class.



  145.  #145Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 4:32 pm


  146.  #146Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    hhhhhaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa
    “TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..”

    LOL!!! HAHAHA

    OMG………

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZsNh0DYmqg&NR=1



  147.  #147BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    #133 Lizzie

    As much as I love you, I don’t love your post 🙁



  148.  #148BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    #142 Amy F.

    😀 Love your recipe, how to turn a pig into a Prince in a few easy steps LOL!!

    And you know it IS really funny when you think of it, my God I have been so blind all these year………but no more thanks to RR and you Sirens 🙂



  149.  #149Orna Walters on October 15, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Life_is_to_short_to. . .

    I love this part of your post: “I am so glad that I am aware enough to catch myself in the act of overfunctioning, leaning forward and trying to be in control, lecturing and sounding like a school marm or somebody’s old auntie.”

    Catching yourself in the act is HUGE!! Truly a huge WIN!! CELEBRATE!!

    That is how we all shift our behavior. Sounds like you are on the right track.

    CDing is there for you to learn and discover about YOU! Rori says use all men for your own custom tailored therapy – my husband and I simply shorten to say “Date to Discover – about yourself!” Take the focus off of “him” (whichever him is present at the time) and put that focus on YOU.

    You can watch us talk about Date to Discover at youtube-dot-com/user/ornaandmatthew

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna



  150.  #150Lizzie on October 15, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Married-guy? Well there are a few things that make this work:
    – when I met him, I was not really wanting to have a relationships but I wanted to feel like a woman without having all the pressures
    – I am focused on my huge debt and don’t feel like I should be bringing that into a new relationship – I learned that from a potential relationship that went off the rails last year because – I have one child that is a serious competitor and this is very demanding of my time; my business is still embryonic and needs a lot of my time; my kids are younger and have special needs – again another big time demand; I am centrally focused on debt reduction and so my business does need to come first – like I will be working all weekend this weekend. So fitting in the time to build a relationship just is too much for me.
    – I wanted something where I would feel liberated, safe, adored, wanted….I get all of that
    – I wanted someone smart…I get all of that
    – I wanted to feel all woman…I get all of that
    – I didn’t want to worry about the “why are you working so much????” pressure I get with an available man
    – the men I have met in the last 4 years are well beyond the life stage that I am in so I ended up feeling like I would never meet someone
    – the man who found me, and pursued me, just wants me – this is such a great feeling!
    – this man is happily married and loves his wife – she just doesn’t have the physical stamina to meet his need – he never talks about her and I won’t let him say a single disparaging word about her. Odd as it might sound, I would actually tell her he loves her a great deal and that they should not split up if it ever came to that. And if it did, I would not want him (because he doesn’t play golf! – well, not really that, but because he will always have someone on the side and that wouldn’t work for me.)
    – I like him and he seriously turns me on, but there is no real spark or emotional connection between us – I don’t pine for him, have wishful thinking, want to see him all the time etc. Once he asked that I have dinner out with him and I turned him down because I didn’t want to take his time away from his kids
    – I carry a torch for Family Guy!
    – It was interesting for me today to deeply reflect on how I really feel when I am with him and about the “relationship” from a new Rori tools point of view. I felt neutral, I still feel neutral while I am typing all of this. I feel free of any investment; I feel all woman who has been very nicely looked after; even the sex, the energy, the sense of connectedness was completely different than from the time I have spent with Family Guy.
    – now I find this incredibly interesting- the CD guys feel the same as married-guy! I kinda feel nothing for them. But the CD guys don’t even have sex appeal. As I write this, I am feeling how married-guy has a kinda animal sex appeal – his appeal to me is deeply guttural and physical; my recent dates are animal-repulsive (that sounds harsh, but all that means is that I don’t want to touch them at all so it is a kind of back-off feeling), and family guy is all encompassing intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically sexy to me. I am so amazed at how different these feelings are!
    – so in the end, married-guy is temporary, it is all physical, and all learning for me.
    – Family guy is still in the other city – I am looking forward to seeing him – experiencing him – I want to experience the change in my vibe

    Sister sirens – I appreciate what I am sharing can be a difficult thing for those of us wishing our ex partners didn’t cheat – I was there as well and it was another man and I sent him on a 1-week vacation with my husband!!!- triggers all around! So lets drink wine and eat chocolate. I appreciate your holding the space for my own learning and maybe a bit of learning for some of the others here.



  151.  #151Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    I feel compassion and concern for his wife and kids.

    I feel sad.



  152.  #152Lizzie on October 15, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    So do I. And I don’t take any time from his wife and kids – ever – I have control of that. From what I have seen, he is a really wonderful involved father – he plays and coaches his kids team sports etc etc. How he is within his family is his issue and it is none of my business. This is one of the most important learning lessons I have taken away. Rori’s lesson on what is my business and what is his business truly plays out in this relationship – I am trying to bring that learning into my other relationships. What is it – staying on my bridge?



  153.  #153Lizzie on October 15, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Here I am now in a this is what I am learning about myself mode –
    – I can feel receiving what a man gives me
    – I can feel open and express my needs in a relationship
    – I can feel safe in my own self and space – I don’t need that to be created by someone else
    – I can feel selfish about meeting my own needs
    – can feel respected by someone who is not invested in me
    – I can safely not invest in an outcome for real, not just by wishful thinking
    – I am learning about what is truly important to me and why
    – I can feel the difference in the energy from the men and how that meshes with my energy and shows me more of what is important
    – this is amazing!
    – I am not sure if I will see married-guy again; I have no need to; I have learned what I needed to learn and I am at peace



  154.  #154Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Oh ladies, I have to report to you my today’s conversation with SG re. this topic. Very illuminating and I think we women can learn so much about how men feel/think about this issue.

    Meanwhile, here’s another gem of wisdom from Chris Chapelle who, IMO, is even funnier than Chris Rock:

    “If a man could f*ck a woman in a cardboard house, he wouldn’t buy a house. But it’s still not why chivalry got killed. Chivalry got killed by a feminist movement on a magazine that got women going crazy…because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don’t know what the f*ck they talk about. ….It says on the cover: 100 ways to please your man by some lady. Get out of here, there ain’t no 100 ways! This is 4 things: suck his dick, play with his balls and then fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much!!!”

    This is what SG said about this quote:

    “Dave has it all wrong – he doesn’t include #1 in the his top 4 .. .S-E-X!! Add that one and drop the biz about playing with balls. WTF Dave!”

    I said: “Baby, you’re nitpicking. It’s within the same spirit!! You can’t deny he’s the funniest black stand-up comedian alive today, though…even Chris Rock isn’t as funny. He’s so effortless… I’d love to see him live one day.”

    But then he said in a longer email:

    “Chris and Dave are both excellent (two of my favorites) – love the
    Chris quote about women’s pussies drying up if they have to grab their
    wallet 🙂

    I like this new comer Katt Williams too – he’s spot on with relationship humor.

    Dave is right about women needing to quit taking relationship advice
    from other women … his main message is right on – men are simple and
    easy to please. Pleasure us thru sex and food, let us have some
    space, and be nice to us by limiting demands and complaints to a
    minimum. That’s it.

    What is your list for women? Men all over the world are trying to
    figure women’s needs out correctly.

    On the money thing – we do live in a new era where many women are
    making more money than men. In my work we are seeing a transformation
    with 65% of our college students are women – they are the future
    doctors, lawyers, and political leaders. I think things are changing
    so fast that women won’t need men for money & security and the roles
    will change in that men will become more about arm candy,
    companionship, reminding our women what it feels like to be a woman
    after a hard day of running the local emergency room, courtroom,
    classroom or boardroom.

    What do you think darling?”

    Check his extremely funny video here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZRflz-93JA



  155.  #155Dorothea on October 15, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Hi! Is everyone being not cruel to each other here?
    I want to play but things felt really psycho here for a while. Sorry for use of the word psycho.



  156.  #156Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    HI Dorothea…. I just thought of you as I watched this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfiaC-2K1LM&NR=1&feature=fvwp



  157.  #157Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    life is too short:

    “I believe Chris Rock!!

    The only thing I disagree with is the reference to menopause (but I realize it’s for effect)

    all menopause means is that you stopped having periods, not that you lost your mojo! I am sexier now than I was twenty years ago.”

    He didn’t mean that…I think, he’s talking about the dryness which usually follows after menopause, right? 🙂



  158.  #158Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    I wonder at what point do we stop keeping other people’s (men_)secrets…..

    I don’t share certain parts of my life because I may “hurt” someone? or “upset” someone?.. even though no one asked me directly to be quiet ….. we just keep silent …for what? approval?

    why do I sit in the dark with my past?



  159.  #159Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Nikita, SG loves “Bilingual.” Thanks, girl!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOQtIrZxa8I&feature=related

    He said: hot hot hot – yes, we will have to play this while we make mad passionate love

    then also on text:

    Me: Did you listen to that bilingual song? It stole the words right out of my mouth. That’s the kind of licentiousness I feel about you. Simply surreal.

    SG: Just listened to it. That’s our song -she took the words out of your mouth. Next time I f*ck you good -I want u to talk to me passionately in your native tongue.

    Me: Oh dear, I haven’t talked in my native tongue while f*cking for ages. I will need practice and it’ll feel weird but I’ll do my best lol… I don’t think my language is made for f*cking the way spanish or french is.

    SG: We’ll see about that…your voice would make the harshest language sounds sultry.

    I love this man!!! Aren’t I the luckiest girl on earth?? He’s making me feel good every day.



  160.  #160Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Nikita, Did you know that the two strongest words in the English language are “me too”? I physically exhale when someone “me too”‘s me.

    When I withhold my past, my stories, my truth, someone else out there is walking around believing they are the only one. And that person is me.



  161.  #161Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Senoras,

    Can someone please tell me how do i “put” my pic on this site ?

    Gracias
    Pepe



  162.  #162Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I feel heartsick about that situation. 🙁

    I also feel glad that WH’s CD came in the mail tonight (the Christian album he had recorded 13 years ago that I got for $3 on ebay).The kids and I listened to it on the way to Sonic. I love his voice. My kids teased me about crushing on him. They also said the songs feel like the songs in Godspell — like they can picture the people on Godspell singing them and dancing around — with WH as J*sus. 🙂 Now they want to watch Godspell.

    Hi Dorothea, good to see you again.



  163.  #163Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    SS,

    if I dated someone who is now married….but was single when we dated…..I feel beholden to remain silent…….I hate pretending something never happened when it did…… because of a woman I do not know may somehow be hurt….. I care too much…. and feel divorced from myself….
    sigh….. what to do….. I do not pretend that women who have been with men I was with were keeping their mouths shut to protect me ….from what ? the boogie man???? where is the line between expression and discretion….i’m feeling a little anger gurgle up…..I’m feeling like I am not the GLUE HOLDING YOUR MARRIAGE TOGETHER….and what does it profit me by not talking about my experience with you???? hmmmm???? are you going to send me a thank you for keeping your mouth shut card?? I doubt it.



  164.  #164Senior Lady Vibe on October 15, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    .
    @158: Katarina Phang

    Chris Rock is either a “r-iot” or an id-iot, depending upon which comes first… 😯

    SLV



  165.  #165Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Nikita, I feel confused. What do you feel like you need to keep silent about?



  166.  #166Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    So here’s my answer to SG’s email on #155 above:

    “Baby, I love it so much we can talk about this so openly and you’re very responsive about this. That’s a rare quality in a man and that makes me even more drawn to you.

    If men were that simple (which I agree, they are for the most part) then how come I wanted sex all the time in my past relationship and he didn’t? 🙂

    When thinking of men vs. women, remember this: men are like cats (independence, aloof, could care less about shit as long as they are fed) and women are like dogs (we need our constant stroking, affection, are very giving and can only be left alone for so long before we become needy…yes we are more high maintenance than cats but our love can be very deep too).

    As for myself, I am very simple and easy going too. These are what I need in no particular order:

    sex
    affection, attention, praises, kind words
    good conversation/discussion
    sex
    hugs, cuddles, kisses
    sex
    a man who lets me talk when I’m stressed out without judging (just shut up -you can ask questions or rephrase- and listen and be supportive, be on my side, don’t offer solutions) -this is what ALL women need, in fact.
    Did I say sex?
    doing things together like cooking, massaging each other, traveling, outdoor activities, watching TVs/documentary/movies and discuss it freely
    Just in case I haven’t mentioned sex…so yeah…SEX.
    don’t shut down on me…we have this inate fear of abandonment due to millions of years of evolution: we’re the nurturer, the cave defender, the home maker, you’re the head of the family but we are the ones who navigate the relationship -how we can glue our family together and keep everyone happy- so we’re always thinking about relationship 24/7 while you think of NOTHING most of the time (how I want to be more like you!)
    I love to give….we are naturally givers, but I want it to be reciprocated too without me having to ask (but men can be clueless so sometimes I have to take from you), a little gift every now and then will do the trick too.
    I like to be made to feel special (hence you pay for dates make me feel special and keep my pussy wet for you INSTANTLY and PERPETUALLY…it’s all worth it if you really love sex that much!! 🙂
    I am independent but my evolutionary programming makes me look for a guy who will make me feel taken cared of because he cares and it feels good and creates the feminine-masculine polarity that keeps the fire burning and the sex hot as hell.

    Do you have any more question? Please feel free to ask.

    Re. your last paragraph, I think I prefer a more traditional relationship (me the arm candy and the great company that fills that feminine aspect of your life’s need) no matter how much more money I make compared to my man. I don’t mind contributing financially and in most cases we women need to (remember, I was the breadwinner in my last 2 relationships) but I don’t want to forego the special place a woman holds in a man’s heart when she’s truly be woman.

    I just want to be a woman this time if I can afford it. I think I’m happiest when I stay in my feminine energy most of the time and let you lead and be the man.

    Does it make sense?”

    And here’s his response:

    “Yeah, I totally understand where you are coming from … It’s cultural and evolutionary biology loaded.

    That’s the way I like it too. I’m generally old fashioned – with some
    modern-day twists.

    To me, it’s all within reason and the limits of the people’s
    individual circumstances. I would feel yucky if I had a wealthy woman
    paying for me all the time (been there, done that) – but it’s nice if
    the gal has the means to bring something to the table on large joint
    purchases (housing, vacations, vehicles, etc) – otherwise men can get
    the feeling that they are being taken for granted or being used –
    especially if the gal has the means it starts to feel unfair.

    I like driving the car, planning dates, paying for the dates and
    treating my woman like a lady – a princess really.

    However, I dispute the pussy-for-money equation (just for myself – not
    other men) even though it is the world’s oldest profession and most
    men need to position themselves to use the power of money to get their
    physical needs met (fortunately I don’t).

    I am looking for a partner, not a dependent, and I cringe at any
    reference that there might be some sort of implied monetary exchange
    ($ for Sex) because, frankly, I think my cock and the pleasure bring
    to the table is just as valuable (if not more, given how rare it is to
    find a guy like me) than a gal’s pussy.

    Pussy is a dime a dozen to me – but I must say you do have an
    exceptionally nice snatch and I can’t wait to indulge my princess’s,
    my part-time wife’s pussy this sunday!

    Smooch! XOXOXO”

    I was mortified by this, so I responded with this:

    “Baby, I don’t imply my pussy and you paying for dates is akin to monetary exchange!!! Hell no. I can do much better than that if money is I’m after. I’m sorry you think I mean it that way (if you don’t please explain yourself better). And I will never imply you have to pay for pussy either!! I will never date a man like that. Men I date are mostly hotties who have no problem getting in any woman’s pants whenever they want.

    NO…no…no!

    Women NEED to feel adored. We don’t feel that way if we have to pay for dates! It’s nothing to do with the $ value.

    You’re very good at adoring me and I don’t need you to spend much money on me at all for me to feel good. You did and do ALL THE TIME.

    And yes in a committed relationship I’ll definitely spend my own income for certain things pertaining to family and household expenses. I have no problem with that having so accustomed spending on men for the last 18 years (go figure!). In fact it takes a lot of self-training on my part to start changing this predisposition of me and I feel I’m still struggling BIG TIME at times. I feel guilty sometimes that you paid for my trip twice (it used to be me paying for everything!!!)

    I’m not a gold digger of any stripe…not even close. I could have but I can never do that. I’m a romantic fool, alrite.

    Now I don’t want it to go to your head too much about your sex prowess now you’re thinking of starting to charge me for that!!!!”

    And he responded with this:

    “Baby,

    I am going to start needing $1000/hr … up until now I have been giving it to you free just to get you addicted (LOL).

    I didn’t mean the money for pussy exchange (i.e. sort of a form of prostitution) is something you were saying … although you have made a few jokes – but I took them as just that … but rather in concert
    with our dialog about what the comedian was saying and perhaps based on my past conversations/experiences with others.

    I adore you … so much that I flew you up (twice) … invite you into my home – even when I am gone – take you out to dinner – take you to a personal funeral – and a romantic cabin get away … etc … but
    mostly my adoration must be so very clear to you by the way I caress you, kiss you, tell you (very early) that I feel love for you and semi-joke about exploring some sort of quasi-marriage concept … I am
    dating other gals – but no one has the closeness and chemistry that is so palpable so real … as we do!

    I adore you!

    Love,”

    I was mollified, and responded with this:

    “Baby, are you now using my strong sex drive against me? 🙂 We women can never win, huh….when we don’t like sex you complain and suffer so much, when we do…now you’re thinking of charging me because we enjoy it too much. So decide, which woman are you after (I know you’re joking…but I can’t help feeling that perhaps I should have pretended to be more lukewarm about you, cause men (human beings) want what they don’t/can’t have)?

    I feel at the same time, with me being expressive helps you make feel loved and good ’cause that’s what men want the most: making their woman happy, am I right?

    And you are making me happy all the time…yes through the considerate, loving, nurturing, sensitive things you’ve been doing/saying throughout our short time of knowing each other. You, in fact, make me so deliriously happy I feel like a school girl again. Thank you. And I want to make you happy because I think you deserve it. I want both of us happy, no matter what the outcome of this fling is…

    I just hope this doesn’t end too soon… as all good things should come to an end sooner or later (not in that way, but you know what I mean). This is all chemical high because of the newness.

    I am very secure about how I make you feel, about the strength of our sublime connection. I know you’re seeing other gals but I know what you’re having with them don’t hold a candle to what we have -what I give you. Not even close. Chemistry and connection like ours are hard to come by.

    Date around….I just know you can never have your mind off me when you’re with these chicks. I know you will always want to come “home” to me.

    I say, enjoy it while it lasts….! 🙂

    I adore, cherish and respect you, ”

    And oh his last response just made my heart totally MELT:

    “wow – it’s words like that – that make me love you even more – so spot on and in agreement with my way of thinking of things”

    Great exchange, huh? I just love the way he’ll express himself so succinctly like this. I hope this is not just because we’re new. I hope this continues….



  167.  #167Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Nikita,

    Feel free to say whateva you want chica !
    Like i said married men… that’s not my cup of tea but that’s me…
    And this blog is a safe and comfy place where we can feel to talk about relationship problems we have with men, and being involve with a married man is a type of relationship and women gets involved with married men and married women are being cheated on all the time and all over the world…so why not talk about it ? i mean this is a reality and not everybody is gonna understand and agree with… but that’s life

    Pepe



  168.  #168Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    help me I might puke…..



  169.  #169Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    aaaak……… you ladies know how i feel about mushy lyrics….and now my man is listening to this song that I just can’t seem to appreciate….blech….

    need barf bag……sigh….ick



  170.  #170Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Nikita, what song is it?



  171.  #171Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    pepe,

    thanks for the encouragement but I am not dating a married man 🙂



  172.  #172Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 7:58 pm


  173.  #173Pepe on October 15, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Nikita,
    llooool ok my bad !

    Pepe



  174.  #174Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Kat,

    as I read the post….letters…i hear sade… “is it a crime”


    He tastes her kiss
    her kisses are not wine
    they’re not mine.
    He takes
    but surely she can’t give what I’m feeling now.
    She takes
    but surely she doesn’t know how.

    Is it a crime? Is it a crime that I still want you?
    And I want you to want me
    too.

    My love is wider
    wider than Victoria Lake.
    My love is taller
    taller than the Empire State.
    It dives and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean.
    I can’t give you more than that ….

    but that is my own trigger……

    meanwhile back on the ranch…..



  175.  #175Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    fyi,

    this is as MUSHY as I get….. and no mushier 🙂

    because this vulnerable and gangster hearted…..like…listen……i am not feeling getting hurt again….i am a little mistrustful…..and need control……these are my demands….i am not playing…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8NAXMruxW4



  176.  #176Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Nikita, I have no idea what you’re talking about woman. Who’s on first? Secrets? I totally misunderstood where you were going with that. Thought you were referring to Lizzie’s married man post. But you gotta admit #161, that was deep right? I wasn’t even meaning to write it that way (got the pronouns mixed up) but when I read it, it was like Gandhi inspired me or something. 🙂

    Snort, snort. Oh my, I’m laughing!

    But seriously. What are you talking about?

    And dear goodness, put the man out of his misery. That song… Ack! It is kind of funny that the first part of the song talks about feeding a man. (You dig that right?) But the rest… Zzzzz.



  177.  #177Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    SS,

    WHO.



  178.  #178Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Shannon..

    I love how you don’t miss a BEAT!!!!!! LOL!!!!!

    I do love feeding 🙂 hahaaaaa…… but uh…that song is seriously corny..



  179.  #179Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    it makes me want to drink.



  180.  #180Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Katarina, I’m learning a lot from you and really appreciate where you’re coming from now. So what I say next is most definitely my own judgment.

    When he writes…

    “I think my cock and the pleasure I bring to the table is just as valuable (if not more, given how rare it is to find a guy like me) than a gal’s pussy.”

    My pussy feels turned off. I don’t want to hear bravado about his abilities or his package.

    I shall allow you to live under the illusion that your penis is THE BEST I’VE EVER HAD. Right.

    I feel really annoyed that sex, or just the discussion of sex, brings up such insecurity in me that I judge back before I get too hurt. Not good, not good.



  181.  #181Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    SS,

    this is the one he shared ….it is a little easier to digest.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3stsDXki__U

    he is whistling it now…… ick….blech…blech….blech….the drama!!!!!!! its like celine dion and the effin titanic all over again…..and of course i will have to listen to this song whenever it is on the radio….. btw….I am addicted to coffee…and he knows that is how to get me instantly happy….i can be bribed with coffee trips….



  182.  #182Simply Shannon on October 15, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Nikita, when you said BEAT, my brain immediately said… Janet Jackson…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDgDlRZ5H78

    Nasty! LOL!

    Alrighty then. Time for bed. I feel seriously delirious. I do not do well on no sleep. About to give my pillow some serious face time.



  183.  #183Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    um…well actually I felt turned off but I feel very appreciative that Kat feels connected to this dialogue and sees it as succint…..I saw it as long-winded LOL 🙂
    I’m like…..feeling all annoyed with a man using so many words….but she LOVES it and I feel happy for her….(but kat knows I don’t do aquarius 🙂 lol but that’s cool…. I feel happy and tickled they found each other…and are in the same “space”. Because I would have felt super crabby after the first couple of sentences….. 🙂 and I realize I prefer the grunting caveman even if he likes corny songs LOL !!!



  184.  #184life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Katarina

    “He didn’t mean that…I think, he’s talking about the dryness which usually follows after menopause, right? :)”

    yah, the reference to menopause had to do with vaginal dryness, but I would change the word “usually” to “can”, because it doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. He was capitalizing on the stereotype. 🙂



  185.  #185Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    haha!! Miss Janet…if ya nasty 🙂

    thinkin nasty thoughts!!!!the only nasty thing I love is a nasty groove 🙂 word.

    nite SS



  186.  #186life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Denise,
    I decided not to CD the guy after all because he is only 24. Just don’t want to go there! And I am going thru a disenchanted with internet dating phase. Blah!!



  187.  #187Dorothea on October 15, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    I never noticed that overfunctioning had a negative effect on how a relationship felt to me until Rori Raye said something about it. And I still can hardly believe it, even though I accept it to be true. Just never quite got my mind around it. I’m not much of an overfunctioner in practice because i am constantly going through the motions of leaning back, but it makes for a much better romantic experience anyway.

    But then there are times where i agonize over my desire to do something and it is probably even more damaging to how the relationship feels because agonizing over how to act and what would be the feminine, rori way to do something is probably more poisonous than overfunctioning or leaning forward.

    ohh
    how come i can see the problem plain black and white but be unable to ‘snap out of it.’ that feels wayyyyyy annoying.



  188.  #188Dorothea on October 15, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    Are there any programs like this one but for guys about getting off the toxic relationship merry go round/track in their dating lives?



  189.  #189Lucy on October 15, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    I have a crush on Marshall on How I Met Your Mother, and I feel curious about it. Does he appeal to any other Sirens? I wonder what it is about him that I like …



  190.  #190Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    SS…..Lucy….

    I am talking about dating people and pretending we never dated. That…once we were friends…but marriage is like a funeral…..and once he crosses over…suddenly i feel expected to not talk about all of the fun WE had before you got married because it might come back to you or your wife…..so I am cut off from one of my most precious, beautiful connections……. because…..whatever



  191.  #191BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    #181 SS

    So I am not the only one who felt turned off by his sentence. I don’t know why but I just don’t like it. It’s funny SS because in that very lengthy convo that sentence seemed to jump off the page at me…..and you too it seems.



  192.  #192Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Shannon,

    Oh, I didn’t like his bragging tone at all. That’s why I said I felt he was using my sexuality against me, instead of feeling lucky that he found a compatible partner in that department (considering his ex-wife refused to have sex after the baby).

    I thought it was uncalled for. That’s why I said I should have perhaps acted less complimentary of him, cause I don’t like he’s thinking I’m the lucky one here.

    No way Jose. I will no longer “worship” a man blindly. I’m the goddess, you’d better worship me. I’m being gracious with my kind words and compliments, not supposed to make him go over his head like that.

    But he’s still the sweetest guy I know in a long time.

    And Nikita, I love how wordy he is -it suits my womanness better- and I had a big problem because my hubby was very stingy with words unless he thought there was something to fix about me.

    He’s still the masculine guy I know. I want him bad and can’t wait till Sunday when we’re going to play house again. He texted, “I can’t wait to make you my wife (this week) and be your attentive loving husband too. I like playing house with you.”



  193.  #193BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    #185 Life

    Totally agree, it is a stereotype and a put down to older women really, why doesn’t he tell jokes about older men who can’t get it up? Maybe he does I am not really familiar with this comedian, just saw him once on TV I think……



  194.  #194BarbinOz on October 15, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    Sienna

    Can’t find your original post about Mover Man wanting to take you clothes shopping, but didn’t you just meet him a week or two when you moved house or am I mixing this up with another story on here? Just seems a bit soon to be trying to fix up your style is all I am thinking………apologies if this is not the same guy.



  195.  #195Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    The problem is that is the reality of dating a guy who knows he has options and the values he bring to the table. Sometimes it’s not easy to navigate that feminine-masculine dynamics.

    We want what we want but he has his own ideas of what’s right when he knows women will throw themselves at him.

    So far, he exceeds my expectation and I feel blessed.

    I do love him very much now.



  196.  #196Daria on October 15, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    I’m feeling my quiet pleasure… And my quiet sadness of… The sadness… I feel sadness at being talked to harshly, suddenly. The betrayal. I feel relieved I don’t have to keep this one now.

    I feel sad. My sadness fluffs me, I am beauty . I am the yellow light on the night water, rippling .

    I feel pain, hello… I feel so disappointed.

    The new man who tries to talk and reason me out my feelings… With good intentions. … And why it feels Angryfyjng. I feel vulnerable like hot flesh freya in the snow…

    I miss feeling loved. I dint want this. I feel abandoned, alone. I feel warm and shivering from watching the snow fall around me. It melts on my body like humid steam.

    I’m searching for my tears to bring the flowers. I love my weakness. A beautiful place to be, on the brink of death. A restful turmoil . Love for me… And all I am.



  197.  #197life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Barb,
    From what I remember, in his jokes, nothing is sacred, so he probably has told jokes about older men who can’t get it up, not sure. But there’s still definitely a double standard going on when it comes to age

    Marianne Williamson was talking about the stereotypes of men’s age and women’s ages, how in the U.S. a man of 40 is “just getting started” and a woman of 40 is “over the hill”….and whispering ..”oh, i think she’s pushing 55” like she’s guilty of something!! haha!…and in France a woman of 40 is said to be just beginning to blossom…i think i’m going to move to France 🙂



  198.  #198Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    mmmm….I hear that men know they have options but i don’t see the problem….I do not want to manage down my expectations of masculinity/standards of masculinity/codes of conduct because men have options….. My man…. and without getting super personal……. had women lined up….and throwing pu**y at him all of the time…… due to the nature of the business/industry we were in….. he really didn’t have to do ANY work to get a date….he just showed up…and women found out who he was and proceeded to lean way forward…and some even pouted and threw tantrums because their pu**y was not getting them the leverage they thought it would…..he was just bored.
    it takes me back to what SS wrote about the sex being the icing not the cake…and the cake=connection cocks don’t create connection. hearts do 🙂

    am I rambling? I feel like I’m rambling….



  199.  #199Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    ooooh…gonna start my 40 in France Fund…TOMORO!!!!!!!!! 🙂



  200.  #200life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    I met a guy from OKCupid for coffee last week after talking with him on the phone.

    I wasn’t impressed and i forgot about him.

    He wrote a couple of messages to me on the website, but never called me. Tonight I get this to my personal email:

    Have not heard from You and can only assume you are not interested.
    Please let me know.

    This makes my blood boil. OK, well, maybe not that dramatic. But I feel very annoyed with this.

    If this guy is interested why doesn’t he have the balls to call to follow up?

    I am finding the trend to be that they are waiting for me to act. I’m not going to do it.

    What is the problem? Are we Rori women in the minority?

    Are most men nowadays used to the women being the pursuers and calling the shots?



  201.  #201life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Me too Nikita! France, here I come!



  202.  #202life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Oh, another good movie is “Under the Tuscan Sun” with Diane Lane. I love it!!



  203.  #203life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    I meant, we spoke on the phone at length about three times. I didn’t feel obligated to answer one line messages sent on the website. Next!!



  204.  #204Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    oh YES!!!! I OWNED THAT MOVIE……hey…i feel reminded of when i said lizzie suck me as a little diane lane-ish…it was the movie!!!! that under the tuscan sun vibe…..yes…..i dream of eating in italy…and inhaling citrus air 🙂 will stop in on my way to france 😀



  205.  #205Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    hahaha “suck me” ha!!! I meant to write …Lizzie Struck me as ……haha ….oops…



  206.  #206life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    i don’t feel comfortable with the ball always being thrown back into my court!



  207.  #207Daria on October 15, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Thank you for the Sade song. I found my tears. My dead man has found me to comfort me… I miss him. It’s never as good as the first time… You know I won’t believe it…

    I am too smart for that I know I know

    Dead man kisses and dead man hugs… I love you so… And I appreciate you.

    Thank you thank you ,

    You called me by your house the other night.. Perhaps it’s you that hated on me with these men. Thank you for showing me them early.

    I do not want to be alone, and I do not want a man that’s less than I deserve. Thank you for your protection

    And let me have what I want. I don’t want to be blocked from that, and I don’t want to lose you.

    Love me, I trust you and I miss you… That I’ve known Yoj longer now than I knew u with the warts on your hands. You will always be with me. My mark on my leg, you are for me. Support and I an for you. I bless you spirit warrior of mine. And I miss you even now when I feel your arms around me



  208.  #208Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Yes I do believe we are in the minority and that is why I spend sooooo much time here….. because…. I crave it…..I am here because I love gender studies and detest the shift in masculinity…I love reading the testimonies of women…..it is my pink anthropology….if that makes sense….I hope to figure out a way to heal…some stuff…..between the sexes……

    …..ugh,,,,my man is listening to that song again….sigh.

    ….but as I watch Daria….over many moons…..men love it……once they feel accepted they grow into it and really love it….I feel like men have managed down their expectations and have just adjusted themselves to women’s lib…..



  209.  #209life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    Nikita:

    cocks don’t create connection. hearts do

    This will make an excellent bumper sticker for my car;-)



  210.  #210Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Daria,

    you mean this song?

    – You came along when I needed a savior
    Someone to pull me through somehow
    I’ve been torn apart so many times
    I’ve been hurt so many times before
    So I’m counting on you now

    Somebody already broke my heart
    Somebody already broke my heart

    Here I am
    So don’t leave me stranded
    On the end of a line
    Hanging on the edge of a lie
    I’ve been torn apart so many times
    I’ve been hurt so many times before
    So be careful and be kind

    2 – Somebody already broke my heart
    If someone has to lose, I don’t want to play
    Somebody already broke my heart
    No, no I can’t go there again

    you’re welcome



  211.  #211Daria on October 15, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Lol suck me!



  212.  #212life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    I am sounding like i dislike men…but I don’t.

    I love them and their masculine energy dearly and I accept them fully as fellow human beings all doing the best they can.

    Society mangled the pure intentions of women’s lib and feminist movement, and I feel like so many people, men and women both, just don’t know how to think for themselves anymore.

    I fully intend to do my part to help heal some stuff between the sexes



  213.  #213Daria on October 15, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Yes … That one. Mmm. I got my tears flowing. I feel pleased and happy



  214.  #214Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    Nikita, that was his only “transgression” and if anything he was just being honest. He said it in general in terms of money discussion. At least we know that guys (many of them these days) do feel that way…so be prepared.

    Especially if he’s been divorced and left with a huge debt to take care of.

    Talk to Jonathon, he’s sending that vibe too… he’s not a believer in a man-picks-all-the-bills ala Rori.

    It has nothing to do with me “managing down my expectation.” This man has shown me beyond “the call of duty” how much he’s into me. He, in fact, exceeds my expectation beyond my wildest dream. He pretty much “proposed” already but since he’s divorced and we only met a month ago, he’s paraphrasing it into “part-time marriage.” But it was clear he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me if that’s possible, one way or another. And that to me is saying a lot.

    Let’s not throw the baby with the bath water.



  215.  #215Daria on October 15, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Life –

    I would write him, men don’t necessarily know that we prefer a phone connection.

    Ohh… I feel kind of weird reading this… I hadnt received any calls from you…



  216.  #216life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    I actually feel like crying. Where did i lose all my patience? Thank you D



  217.  #217Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    But of course he also forgot to mention, to me a cock is ALSO a dime in a dozen and a woman like me who can match his sexual is appetite is also RARE (he told me how all these other women always get tired after a while and want him to finish it soon).

    He knows it so he wasn’t aiming that at me personally, but as a general rule.

    He knows I’m his perfect match. And he’s been saying it so many times in so many different ways.



  218.  #218Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    Barb,

    RE: #141 = Wife Beater

    I didn’t know what it was either when Siena referred to it a few months ago. If I understand correctly, it’s like a short tank top, but I’m still not really clear.



  219.  #219life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Katarina,

    I don’t know all the particulars, and your relationship with SG so far sounds very dreamy and wonderful and I am happy for you for sure…..but if you only met a month ago, he is newly divorced, etc. please be aware of the infatuation factor, and pretty words and lust. Maybe take a wait and see attitude. I’m not saying to be jaded. I think you know what i mean.

    just my two cents



  220.  #220Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Life is too short, I wasn’t born yesterday so yes I’m very well aware of that. 🙂 In fact, I told him that many times.

    We both are aware of it….but we’re enjoying the ride anyway.

    We are indeed in the infatuation stage. Still a long path to go to establish if we really are a great match for each other in the long run.

    Had it not for his “jadedness” in particular, I’d be very optimistic about our future together.

    Right now, I don’t know what the future holds but I’m basking in the love and lust.



  221.  #221Brenda on October 15, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Katarina,

    I’m so happy for you!



  222.  #222life_is_too_short_to... on October 15, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    K:

    Cool 🙂

    I trust you know what’s best for you.



  223.  #223Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Brends, thanks!! I just want to share what I experience so every woman knows she can have the same thing.

    Just find the right guy(s). They’re plenty out there.



  224.  #224Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    Kat,

    aaaw…I’m hearing a little bit of a defense for his “transgression” as you have termed it…..you sound protective….I feel like …aaw….I don’t mean to pick on your sweetie…I don’t want to sound like that…..and I don’t want to imply that you are not feeling super content and thrilled…. no…. I want to support your good feelings…. I have heard men say that their cock is as valuable(ok) and maybe even more valuable than pu**y(slow down buddy)…..so that is how I feel when I think back….it is a sore spot….but I have my comfort zone….my man pays for everything….. and I have friends that say…don’t tell my girl you live like that…she might get ideas..lol….. but my relationship is not for every girl 🙂 And I could not be as open as you are after a month….it feels too scary for me…but you seem out of this world…totally bungee jumping….and loving every minute….and I’m like…go-get em tiger 🙂
    not me…but good for YOU…he is totally cute…but I feel like I have dated that guy….and it’s not for me…but I still love him! and he is dating a super sweet girl and they connect in a way he and I don’t……so…….I dunno…..I support you? I am happy for you…..and ……well…..plenty of women WOULD NOT want my man if they knew what he was really about….. it just would not work for them. They might even call him names….he is handsome tho! and they think they want him….but ….most just couldn’t deal….he is CRAZYYYY 🙂



  225.  #225Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    I have to add one thing, Nikita, in our case sex is really the very fabric that bonds us like nothing else would.

    It’s so passionate yet so tender…it’s not possible to undermine it. Each time we’re done with it we’re one inch deeper in love.

    He admitted it was so rare he could be so mental while having sex with anyone. We are crazy “mental” in bed…there is no word that can describe it, hence the song you gave us feels very deep and true for me.

    We’re very spiritually connected at the “hip”. 🙂



  226.  #226Girl on October 15, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Nikita,
    I feel curious about why you seem worried about being “too personal”….?



  227.  #227Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Let’s see…if I just did feeling messages…ummm,

    I feel cornered into competing with my body parts.

    I feel scared…I don’t want to believe I am ever “less than” a man’s cock.

    I feel sad that we are in competition.

    I don’t want to compete.

    I feel afraid that my value comes from my nana?

    I feel fast heartbeat….and mini panic…..

    I feel angry…I feel like fighting…I feel like…oh yeah???? I feel confrontational…like…PROVE IT!

    put on your hooker boots and let’s see how fast we can turn our parts into dollars…..I WIN….and I feel icky that I used my body to prove something that has already been proven over centuries….eons…

    I feel cocky and arrogant now….I feel fear in the air…I smell the inferiority of the cock….I feel the power of the pu**y……

    I feel…..suspicious…….I don’t want to be re-educated…… it’s called the bunny ranch….and the majority of the staff are women……

    I feel sympathy…aaww…..my parts can earn more than your parts……people pay thousands for embryos…..what is sperm?……like 30$?

    I feel mean…like ….ouchie…truth hurts…..I feel bad that my nana is so intrinsically valuable that men commit crimes…and spend many years in prison for it…….

    I can not play small for your cock to feel better than me…..and I feel sad but not sorry.



  228.  #228Girl on October 15, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    i feel SO much more in D now that he is not pursuing me. interesting to notice.

    Interested, yet defensive. I called him this morning to say that I would like to speak with him to make sure that breaking up is “right” for us. And now, I feel like the ball is in his court. He should be getting off work any minute, and I feel weird that he hasn’t contacted me about a plan to chat. i don’t want to talk on the phone, I want to do it in person. I’m getting sleepy, and i apparently had expectations of speaking today, without even really realizing it. hmmm…I feel intrigued and resistant. hmm…



  229.  #229Girl on October 15, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    I feel so much more interested in D, I mean…



  230.  #230Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Girl,

    I feel comfy-ish about sharing myself….but I don’t know how the man in my life would feel if I exposed too much info….

    I tend to date people that can be pinpointed to a degree if I gave enough information…..

    Like…..if I named a company, a charity, a board. a t.v. show…or something like that…… I like the anonymity ….and am seriously thinking of starting over the way one or two of the other sirens did to maintain that privacy….

    but I do that in my personal life..at work….with friends….i am very secretive…



  231.  #231Girl on October 15, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    Nikita, I feel intrigued.



  232.  #232Girl on October 15, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    hmm…he should be out of work by now for sure. I feel a little sad that he isn’t contacting me. And I guess relieved cause I feel like he is doing this, not me. HE’s ending. I kind of want the power back, but then I like that I don’t have to feel responsible for this – I let him know that I wanted to talk it out, and he isn’t taking care of that for me…and that kinda pisses me off and yet makes it easier to let it go



  233.  #233Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    damn…he doesn’t care? he expects me to take care of it since I initiated it – it could have felt natural for me to text him a few hours ago to say
    “It would feel best to speak in person…let me know when is good for you…”

    but I didn’t feel comfortable putting myself out there again, since I called this morning AND yesterday.



  234.  #234Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    We’re playing games…and a part of me likes it. And another part feels like shutting the door and super gluing it shut to spite him. And another part of me feels bored. hmmmm…



  235.  #235Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    and yet, maybe he never intended to speak tonight at all. he just said we could talk “later.”



  236.  #236Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    breathe….I’ll tell myself that he has some master plan for having a wonderful conversation with me….I’ll just trust him to plan it at just the right time…in the meantime, I intend to feel good…



  237.  #237Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    Kat,
    I feel jealous of the good sex you’re having. I’m noticing that I feel jaded…I want to know how things will be 6 months from now. And now I want to ask myself – what does it even matter what happens 6 months from now if she’s having fun NOW?



  238.  #238Katarina Phang on October 15, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Girl, very wise of you. I’m living in the moment.

    But I’ll keep ya posted 6 months from now.

    To be honest, I have no idea. Everything can happen between now and then.

    But I’m high with the possibilities that life has to offer.

    I feel blessed to have found my sexual match. That’s pure serendipity.



  239.  #239Girl on October 15, 2010 at 11:31 pm

    Also noticing that I’m feeling more and more understanding of the book “The Zahir” by Paul Cohelo. He has a wife who is his Zahir – his one love, his obsession, his muse, his reason for living. yet he has other lovers. She leaves him, and then he goes on a mad hunt for her, and yet still has other lovers in the meantime. When he finally does find her, it seems that he will continue his philandering ways…but his point was that a relationship isn’t a track that always runs parallel – people are in constant flux, moving to and away from each other. A marriage in the traditional sense is an unnatural imposition on 2 people to try to stay consistent in relationship with each other, which he says isn’t possible without inhibiting the identities and development of one or both people. So, his ideal is his Zahir – this person who is LOVE, who he always returns to…but he rejects the idea that he has to stay on track with this person in some consistent way – he finds it confining, controlling, stifling, and stupid.

    At first, I felt super triggered. But now the idea is growing on me. Until I consider kids – then I feel like I DO want a committed man who will offer consistency, cause I think it’s best for the kids, and cause I don’t want to raise a family without a man.



  240.  #240Daria on October 15, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Wow I read the Zahir and totally understood it differently. That he kept searching for his one love, and only when his wife left and he had to find her was he able to experience actually falling in love because of his trials to find her. And so his wife did materialize into the Zahir he wanted. And now he was really in love the way he had wanted.



  241.  #241Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Thx for the breakdown of the book….now I don’t feel like I need to read it……one of my “lovers” owns it and I am no longer tepted to borrow it 🙂



  242.  #242Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Wha?…. .???? Now I feel totally confused!



  243.  #243Daria on October 15, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Yeah I got the feeling at the end that all of the mental bs and rationalizing about relationships had been cut through by the actual experience of searching and finding the woman he loved.

    Kinda like a Rori thing.

    I feel afraid that I may have misinterpreted, but I don’t want to believe that, I only believe what feels good.



  244.  #244Nikita on October 15, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Huh……that book was in the libras house 😉

    Lol……I don’t think he finished it yet……..



  245.  #245Girl on October 16, 2010 at 12:03 am

    ha…i dunno…

    what about the part about the tracks (train?) – about how he noticed that the design is based on how the romans did it, without questioning functionality…?



  246.  #246Daria on October 16, 2010 at 12:05 am

    I once had a man born in Capricorn, but with a strong libra ascendant. He told me his a libra, he could see it in his head, the scales. After awhile I could to. He was skitzophrenic, pretty sure. He taught me a lit about seeing things, and male female energies. He was too paranoid, I thought he was gonna kill me. We fought like everyday. He was my first love.

    I saw him months after he finally left. I had like 4 orgasms, then felt free and complete.

    The next times after that i saw him he was homeless and crazy, I bought him a burger.

    I heard he’s better now, my girl actually saw him, he was rapping, he was so good, heard he still is.

    Got love for him.



  247.  #247Girl on October 16, 2010 at 12:06 am

    yeah, I get that he realized that she was the one he loved, and he was going to be done with his crazy brain…but, I still got the impression that his conclusion was that she can be his ONE that he returns to, but they couldn’t possibly stay at a fixed distance. and it was some internal/external pressure to stay fixed that was driving him away.



  248.  #248Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Plot Summary of The Zahir
    “The Zahir means ‘the present’ or ‘unable to go unnoticed’ in Arabic. The story revolves around the narrator-a bestselling novelist’s search for his missing wife,Esther. He enjoys all the privileges that money and celebrityhood bring. He is suspected of foul play by the authorities and the press of having a role to play in the inexplicable disappearance of his wife from their Paris home.

    Thereby, the protagonist is forced to re-examine his own life and marriage as well.The narrator is unable to figure out what led to Esther’s disappearance. Was she abducted or had she abandoned their marriage? He comes across Mikhail,one of Esther’s friends.The narrator with his help, realizes that to find Esther, he must find his own self. Mikhail introduces him to a tribe who have unconventional ways of living. Through the narrator’s journey from Paris to Kazakhstan, Coelho explores various menanings of love and life.”
    Medha Behera, Resident Scholar



  249.  #249Daria on October 16, 2010 at 12:09 am

    Girl, I don’t remember, I don’t really remember much even his philandering except that I walked away with a sense that he finally had what he was looking for, and he had to look for her to have it. As in the man needs the search and conquer to commit.



  250.  #250Daria on October 16, 2010 at 12:12 am

    I’m glad I found my godessness. There is always deeper for a man to dive into now. There is no more fear of fixedness of not enough, of not enough elusivity. I am the world, I am the sea, I am the womb.



  251.  #251Girl on October 16, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Oh, I don’t feel worried about him. I feel worried about me not wanting to feel fixed or controlled.



  252.  #252Girl on October 16, 2010 at 12:16 am

    I just read that anorexia is related to autism and that weirds me out. I don’t know why I feel more comfortable identifying with anorexia than autism. But I do…eww..I don’t want to think of myself as autistic. what does it mean???



  253.  #253Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:17 am

    My first was a Taurus 🙂 with Venus and moon or mars in Gemini 😉 he was schizophrenic…….. I dunno where he is…..sometimes hospital….he named his child after me….. He taught me how to see words…and the letters in them…..and meditate…. 🙂 and apple cider vinegar and kosher salt baths…..he believes I’m his ONE….. So I spent years hiding…..from him…… I thought we were it….. But then he began to dissociate mentally…..he was existing in another reality and I felt he wasn’t ________enough to exist in this world….he was too open in his mind to tackle life…..and he just broke up into pieces……



  254.  #254Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:22 am

    I dunno but I always understood anorexia to be about control……and safety…….in an uncontrollable environment……like-order out of chaos……

    Autism……to me?……is more about blurring the lines of ego and separateness……it’s about teaching communication with using word constructs as the only means/or as a crutch…..it’s about being sooooooo out there you are closer and more aware of your gifts……but I dunno 🙂



  255.  #255Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:23 am

    -that was meant to be: without using words-



  256.  #256Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:27 am

    I feel so sleepy……



  257.  #257Brenda on October 16, 2010 at 1:55 am

    Nikita,

    I think autism has more to do with brain damage. I worked with autistic kids for four years, and never heard anorexia attached to it. Schizophrenia is evil spirits living in someone. Ryan was a Taurus with schizophrenia too. I believe he’s going to be free, and he’s going to understand the spiritual realm enough to be able to help others like him get free.



  258.  #258Renee on October 16, 2010 at 5:04 am

    Well, things seem to be going better w/Blondie…I was so sad yesterday because I hadn’t heard from him and I broke down and txted him, which he replied to right away, saying he’d been thinking of calling me. He said he wanted to put his arms around me Sunday when he got back, but, just on principle, I told him I was busy. (I’m working that day, but actually don’t have any plans that night, but it felt like I needed to turn him down just to prove the point that now that we’re not ‘exclusive’ anymore, I’m not at his beck and call).

    So I guess I’m doing ok with setting a few boundaries here, but what I really want is to just melt in his arms Sunday night…the only thing is, just getting back from his trip, I suspect he would have asked me to come over to his house Sunday night and I’m trying to hold out for a “proper” date where he comes to pick me up and takes me out, or at least comes to my house instead if he’s running low on funds. So…I guess we’ll see how things develop.

    My big quandary at this point though is sex…my friend Chad thinks this “being spooked” business is just his way of setting me up so that he can get laid when he wants but not have to have any obligations to me, but Chad is pretty cynical. That soooo does not feel like what he’s about to me…especially since he originally broke up with me because he said he was afraid it was all physical between us (and then changed his tune when he saw me in person and agreed we had more of a connection than that). But he seems like he’s genuinely looking for someone special…not just out to get laid.

    But I guess I want to reassure myself that that’s the case…so how do I do that? Do I hold off on sex for a few dates and see how that goes? Or do I just see how I feel based on how our conversations go and how any discussions of our relationship go? I know I’ve definitely got to stay laid back and let him initiate everything (which he generally does anyway), but beyond that — how do you know?

    My instincts tell me that he’s just a very careful man and the prospect of actually having a new woman in his life (really, for the first time since his divorce since his “rebound” relationship was long distance and there was never any real prospect of her meeting his kids) could very well be scary to him. So I want to be respectful of his feelings, but I want to protect my interests at the same time…any suggestions?

    I’m back on the cd bandwagon again, emailing about 8 guys and setting up dates for the coming week with a couple…at this point, I think I’m going to keep cd’ing for at least a couple of months, partially because I don’t want another “panic attack” on Blondie’s part and partially because I’ve just met 2 single men who are both in a position to do business with me and I want to be free to go out with them if that’s what it takes to seal the deal. (Hope that doesn’t sound cold, but in this economy, I have to do what I have to do to make a living and both of these men are in a position to make rather large purchases.) One of the guys that could buy from me is taking me to the game today and I’m really hoping I like him at least a little bit so hopefully that will lead to a few more dates and also a purchase within the next couple of months.

    My other quandary is how to possibly cd these 2 business prospects (along with any other men I’m in contact with) for a long enough time to get their business without having to get too involved physically. Blondie and I don’t have an agreement to be sexually exclusive, though he would probably agree to that if I brought it up. But I think it might do him some good to actually worry about me possibly sleeping with other men in a few weeks, so I’m thinking I might leave that option open, though I probably wouldn’t actually do it.

    So I guess my question is — how to ensure things move slowly with these men so I can keep their expectations in check without running them off altogether? I mean, most men I date, if they like me, end up wanting to ramp things up with the frequency of dates/calls and I’m really more in the mode of maybe seeing them just once in a while. I’ve thought about telling the guy for today that I just broke up with someone a couple of weeks ago so I want to take things very slowly. Or I could just tell them that I’m not really looking for a serious relationship right now, but if they’re truly interested, that might run them off. What do you think?



  259.  #259kaitlyn on October 16, 2010 at 6:37 am

    I’m tired of feeling. My ex and what went wrong with the relationship consumes me. The guy who once chased me, I ended up chasing. I showed my cards too soon, which killed his attraction for me.

    Instead of ending things, he decided financial gain and gifts were something he could get out of me because I wasted his time.

    To prove my worth and rekindle the attraction, I over-functioned emotionally to make up for the money/gifts I refused to grant him. You know, like “hey, look how brilliant, captivating, etc I am on my own.”

    Though, he maybe got a total of $80 and dinner off me (and neither of us eat, like, how much can sharing a tic tac over candle light really cost?), I can’t help but feeling used and manipulated because I stuck around trying to outsmart him.

    I feel like shit everyday. 1) Because I lost. 2) Because I lost him.



  260.  #260Renee on October 16, 2010 at 6:52 am

    Kaitlyn — I know where you’re coming from. I feel like I’m on the verge of losing the guy I want because I showed my cards too soon as well. But he telling me things like, “someone of your caliber can meet someone better than me” and so I felt like I had to tell him how wonderful I thought he was, you know?

    Anyway — if things are really over with this guy, the best thing you can do is use your anger to form a resolve to do things differently in the future. Maybe, as great as he is, his role was to help you learn how to play things the next time around, when you meet someone who’s even more right for you. Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to be learning here too, but I don’t want to give up on us yet…I’m determined to try to turn things around using the CD tool and staying busy, but I know the temptation will be there to show him how great I am so he’ll choose me again (now that we’re not exclusive anymore) and I need to resist that…I need to just be me and not try to control him, but it’s hard.

    I know you’re hurting, but it will get better and you will do better next time, and there will be a next time, either with this guy or another one.



  261.  #261Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 7:00 am

    140: BarbinOz says:
    #21 SLV
    “HA HA HA!!! I expect you contacted him right away – what fun.”

    I wonder…do you think his family, friends, neighbors, co-workers know of his “other life?” 😀

    SLV



  262.  #262kaitlyn on October 16, 2010 at 7:11 am

    I’ve been CD-ing and learning Japanese- it’s not helping. I feel things are over because it feels like he doesn’t want me.

    Weeks ago, I did quite an un-sirenesque email send, asking why we have so much drama and telling him we either fix this or we end this. Btw ladies, when you tell a man the ball’s in his court, it’s really not. It’s your thinly veiled attempt to mask that you’re chasing him. He never responded. I guess there’s my answer?

    Six days later, he leaves a vm inviting me to a movie he was seeing in 2 hours. Still feeling embarrassed about that email over-function, I ignored the call. Reading Rori’s blog, I should’ve returned the call with “Thank you, but I have plans.” It would show I’m not a game player and I’m open to going but I’m an awesome chick with a life.

    Next day, he texts, inviting me to a concert- a concert he was already at. I text back, “Screw you. I’m no one’s back up plan.” No response from him. Ever. That was 2 weeks ago.



  263.  #263Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 7:25 am

    Kaitlyn,

    loool, yeah you smack that one in the face !
    Remember be warm and open…even if the guy is acting like a weirdo and takes you granted like assuming you that you’re desperate, don’t have a life, and that he can just text i’m at you concert-come join me, thinking that u’ll ran to go see him…even if you don’t want him in your life anymore you can USE him to work on what rori is teaching us, you could have take that opportunity to practice being a siren like i’d feel glad seing you but i already made other plans and thanks for the invitation i appreciated it… and see how he would have responded and act after that…

    Practice practice practice but your last answer was too funny LMAO, i understand where your coming from but at least it wasn’t a booty call and he invited you to none sex-time lol

    Pepe



  264.  #264Jeannette on October 16, 2010 at 7:47 am

    Girls, I am trying to make a choice here and I just want to do the right thing. I am engaged to my old beau from high school. He is a true sweetheart. It’s been years but we finally made our way back to ea. other. Anyway, I accepted his ring but now am concerned because he has SO many health problems. But what’s worse, he is collecting disability and it’s not very much at all. Because he just worked in stores all his life and at night played in bands. I don’t have alot of money saved away and although I have a good job working as a massage therapist for a rehab clinic for brain injured and spinal cord, I know I won’t be able to do it forever. I do love him, but there’s just so much to think about. Please let me know your thoughts on this one…Need some insight. Thank you.



  265.  #265Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Now i always try to avoid “letting the ball in his hands”
    because like Kaitlyn said it’s a way to hide that were chasing him ” it’s up to you… and i won’t wait around to see what you’ll do next ! ” yeah right ! it’s a thing that we use to get a respond or an action out of him without realising that when we do that we set ourselves to WAIT and see what he’ll do next and give him an opportunity to take all the time he wants to decide what he’ll do with us… i mean what’s the rush right ? he knows whe’re waiting for him to answer…
    And everytime we hear a buzz… “oh ! that’s him calling heyyyy ! that means he still have feelings for me and… NOT ! it’s my mom whose ringing at the door…i need to change to dawm door bell it almost give me a heart attack

    Pepe



  266.  #266Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 7:51 am

    Katarina, thank you for being here and being so open about sharing! I still feel defensive about certain things but it’s definitely my own hangup. My brain wants to reject some of your words, like “how could you possibly believe that?” but it’s good practice for me to see you handling this like a rockstar. I would like for my vibe to be similar. I feel inspired.

    Nikita, before I slept last night, I was feeling jealous. I know your guy is whistling and singing songs you hate but ahhh… I feel jealous of having another human being in my space being who they are. I miss that “he’s around doing his own thing” feeling. And it reminded me of Tom Cruise in Risky Business. 🙂



  267.  #267kaitlyn on October 16, 2010 at 8:01 am

    Crap! Crap! Crap! I screwed up. Who knows, maybe by just being open and warm with a “thank you, I’d love to but I have plans,” it may have even sparked his attraction since HE”S SUCH A DAMN GAME PLAYER. Arrrghhh.



  268.  #268Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Kaitlyn, Right now I’d imagine my fight or flight response has kicked in high gear and everything looks like life or death, right or wrong, black or white. Is that where you are right now?

    I can never say the wrong thing to the right person.

    Sometimes when I feel so overwhelmed by something, it feels good to do something fun. I know Rori speaks of feeling our feelings but sometimes when it’s too much, I welcome some distraction.

    Or, take these nasty thoughts all the way out in my head. “What I said last night has killed the relationship. He is gone forever. I’ll never love again. He was the best I’ll ever have. It will never be that good again.”

    Those words feel ridiculous to me even as I write them. I don’t want to dismiss what you’re feeling at all. Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. I actually feel kind of surprised at how ridiculous those words feel to me.

    Maybe try writing it out (worst case scenario) and see how it feels to you? This feels similar to the time that Erika suggested to Lucy that she obsess about WH. Just go there with it and see what bubbles up.



  269.  #269Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Kaitlyn,
    looooool don’t beat yourself up !
    yes you could have tried that and see how he would react but it’s already in the past, it’s done. But… i don’t know since excuse me for saying… you acted rude with the “screw you…” lol maybe you can try to excuse yourself… i would even if it’s sirenish or not, but that’s me. If you do decide to excuse yourself you can try something like i feel really bad about the way i answered to you last time but i don’t feeling like i’m a back plan…and it just came out that way…sorry and don’t say more than that. You’re showing him that regret how you reacted and at the same time you’re not kissing his a** either and do it by text don’t call because there’s a good chance he won’t answer lol

    Pepe



  270.  #271Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 8:50 am

    Ha…risky business …… I do love that… someone around doing their own thing……. I really like that….it prevents me from doing LOTS of stuff (like inviting a bunch of gf’s over) that would interrupt his flow….but I love knowing he’s just around….. for me that is the relationship i want… nesting

    I didn’t like doing it alone…. even with all of the freedoms that comes with….. I would love to have a little “work studio”/boudoir…that I could escape to just to be super crazy and creative and play loud crazy music…..but this is nice and quaint…..well, it’s quaint for me 😉



  271.  #272Siena on October 16, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Here’s a thought about obsession, take from it what you will: what if some obsession is actually the person you are bonded to not letting go, instead if vise versa? How would it feel to intuitively ask him to fish or cut bait for BOTH of your well being? And how would it feel to then let it go, believing that your request has been answered, and you will soon see the fruits of it, either as the man coming back or the obsession leaving?



  272.  #273Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Haha, okay, WH, either quit obsessing about me dude or let’s get this thing rollin’. 😀



  273.  #274Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Last night when I was falling asleep, I started thinking about Mary, and wondering how she was doing . . . and lo and behold, here she is this morning!

    Hi Mary! Glad to hear things are going well!



  274.  #275Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 9:32 am

    I didn’t read that book, but it sounds like Daria’s words are an apt description of his thinking — “mental bs and rationalizing about relationships” — and hopefully he DID cut through that by the end of the story — yay! that would be great!



  275.  #276Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 9:37 am

    I have to work tomorrow and I feel almost convinced that I hate my job. As in absolutely detest it….. I hate working Sunday….I usually don’t and maybe because I an working the hate and detest I feel is just growing…..faster…..and why don’t I quit? Because I feel safer having it as a back up plan….have I mentioned I am underpaid? I took this job as a desire to learn and insulate me from the fluctuating economy….(I usually work in a commission-based position/or free-lance) everything had dried up that I was used to…..and it was a good decision at the time….but now…..I feel stuck….working for crap….in an environment…that is visually stunning but energetically……not as exciting as I prefer….. and the commute is horrendous….and I don’t feel valued there…..I feel like an afterthought of ‘good ole reliable’ ….they make these mistakes and then want me to come in last minute…..and I am like….uh…no…. IT feels like a dead-end relationship….but he is really hot and I love his friends/family…..but the connection between us has long died……
    why am I scared to give up what feels like a hassle?
    oh right because the crappy pay just barely covers my bills……but if my man was not the breadwinner….I would be screwed…and working way too many hours to make ends meet…… actually……I would just get another job….somewhere else…. because I don’t believe in working that hard….hmm?
    I mean….this is teenager money!!! I am used to a different level with LESS work….and MORE personal freedoms……. mmmm….and I stay……why? oh….so that I don’t have to ask my man for EVERY LITTLE THING….. but….. I also don’t have to get serious about replacing it…… they neglect me there…..neglect is a form of abuse right? so is my job abusing me? no….I seem to have hired this job to abuse me 🙁

    sigh….. why? …. why am I settling? I feel so lazy….too lazy to look for something else…..to lazy to explore the “new town” closer to me…..and I feel scared of commitment !!!!! I feel scared to commit to a new job….I miss working for myself… I liked that….but how…… and what kind of job would support me …transitioning back to self employment again?……. grrrrr……I want to call them tomoro-and say GFY!!!!(go f*ck urself)



  276.  #277Jeannette on October 16, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Can someone take the time to comment on post #265? I would appreciate some advice!



  277.  #278Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 10:01 am

    I say don’t do it….. be together…be perpetually engaged unless his passing will give the financial security to protect and ensure your retirement; this man sounds like a liability…. loving him does not mean you need to be financially obligated to cover his medical bills…. I feel like a shrewd B*tch…I love my shrewd B*tchness….



  278.  #279Jeannette on October 16, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Nikita, thanks for your response. My fiance claims I would not be responsible for his medical bills. He told me because he’s on medicare it would stay separate and that I could get a pre-nup on that one just to be sure..I will research that one some more. So he wouldn’t be a financial burden. He has a law suit going against a drug company for the drug that gave him a heart attack. So that would give us some added money, it’s been in the works for 3 years now. But, I am the only one who’d work, he’s not well enough at the current time. I am having some thoughts about that…any other thoughts girls?



  279.  #280Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Jeannette,

    This is a though one ! wow
    The only advice i can give you is to talk to him about your concerns…it is sad that he’s havin all these health problems but when you will say ” i do” they will become your problems too. Don’t be afraid to talk to him about that but you have to do it BEFORE you guys get married it won’t resolve itself if you just silence that, you can say somethin like ” honey there are certain things that concerns me…i feel worried about how the both of us r gonna deal financially with your health problems, i would feel better if we could start planning our finances so that when we get married we are ready to face this together and know exctly how are going to deal with this with both our salaries, what do you think ?
    That way he knows that this troubling you, that you are want to find a way to deal with this and that will give both of you an opportunity to make plans together maybe get other jobs with better salaries, health assurance etc..

    Hope that help ! and don’t feel sad i’m sure you guys will find a way to work this out.

    Kisses
    Pepe



  280.  #281Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Jeannette, I don’t know what to tell you. Financial stuff like that confuses me, too. I wish money was never a problem.

    Congratulations on your engagement though!

    I feel a little sad that what “should” be a happy time (announcing an engagement) is clouded by these concerns.

    I trust that you and your man will find the answer that is best for you.

    Love and wishes for peace and joy —
    Lucy



  281.  #282Jeannette on October 16, 2010 at 10:22 am

    Pepe and Lucy, you guys rock….To be a siren we have to look at things from a different vantage point. I like how you said for us to look at the situation together. I like how you said how important it is to plan a financial goal for our future. To put it like that….I don’t want him thinking I don’t want to be with him…Already his aunt said something about me wanting to wait til after December when my twin grand babies are coming…His aunt said, ‘sounds like she’s using that as an excuse…..’ Well, it’s true in a way. I don’t want to be a desperate woman….God only knows, I’ve been there too many times before. Yes, it’s sad that I can’t be real joyous because of having to worry about money…I want him to worry about money as much as I am. SO far he says, ‘we can work this out together.’ But his income monthly is so much smaller than mine…sort of easy for him to say.



  282.  #283Lizzie on October 16, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Hi Jeannette, Pepe has provided a wonderful feeling message to get the conversation going well. There are some other considerations, regardless of his health situation, he needs to feel like he is contributing to the relationship and you will need to feel a sense of equality in the partnership whatever that might look like. It doesn’t take long before resentment on either parts begins to take hold. So setting all emotion aside and living completely in my logic head here are some considerations for you:

    – what are the rules on his medicare on him working part-time and what might that look like
    – if he were to be looking after you, what might that look like so that you can also investigate new training processes for when you are no longer able to do massage thereapy at your current pace
    – how can he get some kind of training so that he can do some work that allows a top-up of his pension
    – what are you both able to do for long term health management
    – what will retirement life look like for you – what health and lifestyle conciderations will you have to make
    – what will you do when you want to take a year or 2 off to broaden or change your massage practice
    – what life insurance can you both get so that you are looked after should he die prior to you
    – how do you feel about being his “care provider” over the long term

    Lots and lots to think about! In some ways you are fortunate to have some of this knowing going in because many people are caught completely by surprise when their partner falls ill and they haven’t done any of the pre planning.



  283.  #284Meemee on October 16, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Re:#227
    Nikita, I understand what you say. I cant tell you how much I hate my job. I am also underpaid.
    You know what, I was a fairly known writer in my language. Got lots of articles and stories published before I was 24. Got a job as a reporter in one of India’s best newspapers even before completing my masters. I quit that job to pursue research. Guess what I am doing now- some silly administrative work at the research institute. At times I feel I made a mistake.
    To top it all, in the last 3 years I did not move out and look for a better job because I was afraid I will lose him if I move away from him.
    What a loser I was!!
    Meemee



  284.  #285Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 10:39 am

    I feel triggered. I love this place because it is the best place for triggers. Lots of forums on the internet are triggering but this is the only one where the stated purpose is to use that for personal growth.

    Trigger me baby

    I feel ignored here. I feel like I am being punished for leaving when people started talking down to each other. Wait. That is a THOUGHT. How do I feel.?? I feel unimportant and rejected. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to feel ummmmmmm I don’t know, honestly I don’t feel worthy of feeling better. When I feel rejected and unimportant, I feel like it is my moral duty to feel that way to appease the source of that trigger. like, look sirens! I feel so unimportant and rejected and i don’t feel worthy of feeling good! Aren’t you so pleased? Havent I gained your approval now?

    That feels like…YIKES
    i feel glad to recognize the pattern.

    The anger of feeling rejected and unimportant is not anger toward the source of the trigger but rather anger toward myself for not feeling more worthy of feeling something better.

    woah.
    thanks.



  285.  #286Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 10:47 am

    🙁 I feel sad that you feel ignored, Dorothea. I know that I didn’t purposely ignore you. I think I remember welcoming you back….? Or did I just welcome you in my head and not write it on here?

    Love and hugs to you.



  286.  #287Lizzie on October 16, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Hey Dorothea – have I ignored you??? I am a bit out of touch so I am not sure if you are needing some processing assistance?

    How is your new Job???

    Feeling rejected and ignored – I had that feeling this morning when I went to get the newspaper from the corner store. I went into the store, placed my coffee on the counter to get my change and this big man came in right behind me, reached across my face for a lotto form without saying excuse me. I picked up the paper, placed my money on the counter right beside my coffee and the big man, moved right behind me and ordered right over my head for a pack of smokes and gave the guy money for the loto! Like WTF AM I INVISIBLE!!! So I said so loudly to the lovely little man behind the counter, the newspaper $3.00! thank you!!
    I was so freaking pisssed at this big man taking up my space – and then I started laughing all the way home about how I actually recognized the feeling in my body!
    I am so proud of myself!

    Welcome back Dorothea!!



  287.  #288Lizzie on October 16, 2010 at 10:52 am

    And then you know what I was thinking??? I should have said to that big man – SO AM I FREAKING INVISIBLE!! LIKE EXCCCCSUUUSSSSEEEE ME!! I HOPE YOUR WIFE IS A BIG NAG!!!

    hahaha!!
    I love my head screaming at people and making me laugh



  288.  #289Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 10:57 am

    I am decluttering my house, and I just found the two sticky notes that the marriage counselor had given my ex-h 15 YEARS ago!!!!

    One says: BE ATTENTIVE (Listen and Remember)

    The other says: BE ACTIVE (Implement and Initiate)

    Hehe. Wow.

    I wonder if I should give them to him next time I see him…. They are his, afterall. 😀



  289.  #290Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Meemee,

    I spent a few years with a man….that at one time I regret….but now I see…that going through the experience has made me so clear about what I want……this guy was living with me!! and when I asked him to split the electric bill he said I was after his money!! I felt so hurt and angry and helpless…and confused …. he was in MY APARTMENT …because he had no place!!….. and yet he seemed to think these bills were all my responsibility….I argued and fought him….. now….. after that…. I have never lived alone…. i always had a roommate so no man could move into my space because I am “nice”. I learned my weaknesses…and my weakness then was I was a “breadwinner” and very Independent….. he provoked me to prove my independence while he blamed me for asking for too much…. I know NOW I asked for too little….. that was the ONLY really bad treatment I got….from a man…… and I was surprised by it and confused….I tried to “convince” him I was not after his money…. once that happened it was all downhill….suddenly he was the female….and I was pursuing him…by trying to prove my genuine love…HA!!!!!!
    But…it is wonderful….. he proposed to me…and begged me to marry him….after many break ups and fights….I was soooo bored and confused by this strange way of relating that I said no….we dated too long…it doesn’t make sense to get married…. now….
    besides….. I am not even turned on anymore….I never understood…many break-ups and reconciliations…..because I was very strict about those things…. we only break up once 🙂 and then I go and date another man 🙂 oh well…moving right along….that was my motto….but this one man had me so confused and he had such a rough deal in life with his dad,….I felt “sorry” for him…lol…SO I STAYED….. I loss my apartment just to get away from him….. it was terrible….like a wolf that chews his leg off to escape from a trap…. and it was a trap….. I will NEVER feel ‘SORRY’ for a man again…it is a venus flytrap waiting to happen…..

    because of the experience I have a PASSION for good treatment…… I am sooooo focused….. and I met the man I am with now……. shortly after….. and I have dated many men throughout but I ALWAYS focus on treatment….. if he treats me well…I am with him….if I feel neglected….I get distracted with a different man that treats me better…

    If not for my “bad” “loser” experience I would get mixed up and confused like some other women….but I, as Shannon says….been there done that …sold the t-shirts…and starred in the sequels….so these little wimpy…poor me men….you never care about my feelings men can suck it! MY “bad” ex…..still lives home with his mama…..after I put him out….. no way…lol! I don’t think she wants him to leave….and you know what…I DON’T CARE because that is his stuff…not my stuff….not my business……and I have love for him…and I do care…but we do not talk….we do not stay in touch…i respect him……but our personalities together….just don’t work to for my happiness, and my happiness is MY priority…..



  290.  #291Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Lizzie,

    Or say out loud ” Hey fatso ! ” without looking at him (the guy behind you) but that would have gotten the attention of the man behind the counter and while looking at in the eyes place your order…and the fat guy had said something after that remark i would have say ” wha ???? was i talking to you ? are you fat ? ”
    loooool

    Pepe



  291.  #292Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:04 am

    I am always trying to declutter but i feel addicted to clutter. So i decluttered and then I bought new clothes. I am going to throw away old clothes. Yeah, that’s right – THROW THEM OUT. The reality is I won’t ever get around to donating them.

    I wish all the sirens lived nearby cause you could come over and take the clothes you like. I have LOADS of cute clothes.



  292.  #293Lizzie on October 16, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Pepe – you are so funny!
    Dorothea – thank – I do classic and sexy under-thingies – got any of that to give away??? Next man I get is going to have instructions: don’t by me diamonds, don’t buy me gold, buy me sexy underthingies!! (- or buy me a house in this outrageously expensive place)



  293.  #294Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Yes! Loads of stuff I never even wore because I got them home and they didnt fit. No return policy on the panties and bras. Booooo



  294.  #295Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Dorothea, did you read the thingy Siena posted about clutter? It was interesting.

    I was struggling with that whole thing of not getting around to donating yet not wanting to throw away good stuff — and then! A charity started coming to our neighborhood every two months picking up whatever boxes we set out on our driveways for them on pick-up day!!!! It’s great!!!! Yay!! Over the past year I have set out about 15 boxes!! Woohoo!! They just picked up four boxes from me last week.



  295.  #296Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 11:20 am

    ;
    @275: Lucy says:
    “Last night when I was falling asleep, I started thinking about Mary, and wondering how she was doing . . . and lo and behold, here she is this morning! “

    Do you mean “brisk-walk-and-hot-chocolate” Mary? I’ve also been wondering how she is doing lately. I was intrigued by her CL success. I don’t see a post from her today!

    SLV



  296.  #297kaitlyn on October 16, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Shannon- thanx, writing does help. A teeny bit.

    Pepe- No way am I contacting him. Besides, in the past I’ve broken up with him then called a week later to re-explain myself to soften the blow. It’d be overkill now.

    I felt I had to be rude because 2 hrs before he asked me to the show, my friends told me he’d sent out a mass email asking all his contacts. Thus, I truly was a backup plan.

    It nerves me to no end to hear he’s been pining for his ex he dated before me.



  297.  #298Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:26 am

    I feel super nervous and just opened way up to LI about it. He said he has something important to ask me. He wants to ask me at the park and plan an evening about it.

    I feel terrified. I don’t want him to propose.

    But he could be asking me anything. To move in. To wear his letter jacket. To accept a new car from him. lol. to loan him 100 bucks.

    I shared with him my controlling feelings. He told me to quit trippin. Ok. I can do that.

    I feel amused.



  298.  #299Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Lucy, LI just told me he will take me to donate whatever I want and drop it off at the thrift store. But I don’t want to even wash all my dirty clothes to give them away. It costs me a crapton of quarters haha. apartment life.



  299.  #300Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Nikita, “been there done that …sold the t-shirts…and starred in the sequels…” Oh honey I am stealing back the Nikita version! That is written gold right there. LOL!

    Dorothea, I feel a little defensive. You stormed off the scene and now you’re back, and I’m suppose to say “oh wow Dorothea so awesome to see you!” My brain is thinking I didn’t do anything to deserve being left. Yes, I would like this triggered healed too because men do storm off and I’m suppose to be open and receiving when he comes back. But right now I feel annoyed and closed off. I wasn’t feeling that way when I first saw you post. I felt relieved, like order was restored or something, like breath of fresh air, all my girls are back. Hmmm… God just popped the Prodigal Son story in my head. Why do I feel so reluctant? It’s so much easier to feel welcoming and happy when the “end” was just a fade away and not a storm off.

    NOTE: I’m totally projecting on you. I feel hopeful you’ll take this in the spirit of healing my trigger.

    I have missed you writing here. How is LI?



  300.  #301Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Ohhh Dorothea, a question, a question, he wants to ask a question…

    Oh my. Yeah! I feel nervous and excited. Wait…

    Does it piss anyone else off when someone says they want to ask a question instead of just asking the question?

    Like telling me they have an amazing present for me instead of just giving it to me?

    Tick, tock.



  301.  #302Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Shannon, everything you say is cool with me, just in case you were feeling concerned about how I would take it. Me “storming off” (hello judgment words) had nothing to do with you.

    I don’t want to feel faulted for standing up for what is right.

    I don’t want to quietly fade away when I see women ripping each other apart under the guise of feeling messages or spiritual growth.

    Fade away feels like shrinking away.

    These are my own triggers.

    Haha, I should append “these are my own triggers” to everything I write here.



  302.  #303Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 11:39 am

    wow…that reminds me…I had found this tiny tight tank top that had ‘PERFECT’ written across the chest…I wore this shirt all the time….slept in it after our break-up in an effort to regain what I gave away…. my mojo 🙂
    I didn’t wear a bra with it either :)…I miss that shirt 🙁
    it was before the whole tshirt craze…it was so daring to just label myself perfect and not wear a bra….like “eff all of you”…..I’m perfect!! 🙂



  303.  #304Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 11:40 am

    SLV, Mary posted on another thread…. either “How to Find Happiness…” or “Half-truths” …. not sure which one….



  304.  #305Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Haha! Dorothea, you’re so right! It did feel like storming off to me. Dealt with a lot of that in my marriage… by me. Hello Pot, my name is Kettle. 🙂

    Maybe I should change my name to “Trigger Worker”.

    Hahahahaha! I’m gonna get paid to work through my triggers! Holla.



  305.  #306Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Shannon is not “supposed to” say anything at all. Ohhh how awful it feels when we think we are being solicited for a certain kind of response that we’re not feeling comfortable with giving. I know that feeling!! Urgh! Worst feeling ever. I feel for you, Shannon!



  306.  #307Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Girls learn feeling surprised by a man !
    although i hate when you get all excited and worried about what question he’s gonna ask or what does he want to talk about or what surprise is he talking about and the moment finally arrives… he’s looking at you with a moronish expression “wha did i do ? ALL i wanted to know is if you liked mm’s too ! why do you look so upset ??? ”

    Pepe



  307.  #308Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Ummm… would anyone care to comment on my profile idea (#145)? I feel nervous, and I’m putting off unhiding my Match profile. Been getting pretty strong signals to put it back up but I feel compelled to keep asking God and delaying it.

    I feel vulnerable asking for this and embarrassed. It typically bugs me when people ask for comments, like hello needy (hello judgment).

    Ugh. Posting this anyway. I do feel needy. Needy of affirmation.



  308.  #309Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 11:46 am

    WEll sh*t …. I FEEL left out!!!

    I did welcome Dorothea back and dedicated a link to her and she never even acknowledged my presence in letters….. so THERE !!!! I feel unseen…unheard….resentful….angry…..and mean!!

    I hear griping about the bad stuff but NO acknowledgment of the good(me, miss perfect).

    xxx
    Nikita
    These are MY OWN triggers…

    haha-snark



  309.  #310Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

    SS,

    uh yeah…I didn’t like your profile idea.



  310.  #311Meemee on October 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Nikita,
    Thanks for sharing this with me. Till I found this blog, I did not know what to do with my bad experiences. I thought I am in a vicious circle, inflicting pain after pain on me. I was the one doing everything to keep the relationship going- I did the talking, I did the calling, texting, I asked him whether we could meet for dinner, I rememered his birthday, I did everything and I thought I was right in doing so. And when I got nothing but bad treatment and insults in return I felt bitter, I felt like a stupid.
    After meeting you people, after reading this blog, I realized I can use these bad experiences for something better- to create boundaries, to set my non negotiable standards, to make a decision that I will should tolerate a man who treats me without respect. I am trying to do all these. It is difficult not to think the thoughts I have been thinking. It is hard to change the patterns I established in thoughts and actions. But I am trying.
    I stopped rowing the boat. And the boat stopped. Then I realized I was the one rowing it.
    I feel stupid when I think of that. But I feel incredibly happy that I stopped it.
    Hugs
    Meemee



  311.  #312Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Yesterday was my first day at my new job and it felt simply great. I had an easy time waking up at the crack of dawn, I looked fly, I had a productive day, I noticed my workaholic triggers of feeling inadequate, I had a nice lunch, I came home and had free time to do whatever. I put on some sexy clothes and did my dishes. I made a meal plan. I was going to go to the grocery store but smoked a bowl instead – something I NEVER do anymore. Then I txtd LI that I was hungry and didnt have any food in my house so will he take me for some food? and he took me to my favorite place and watched me eat and then paid for it. cute!
    This weekend I don’t HAVE to do anything. There are things I want to do though. Weeee



  312.  #313Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Ohhh nikita you are right! I am sorry!



  313.  #314Renee on October 16, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Dorothea — Welcome back!

    I know what you mean about feeling ignored and rejected though…no one has touched either of my last two posts with a 120 foot pole…it’s like I turned into Casper or something and no one can see me anymore. What’s up with that?

    Let us know what your great big question is…it sounds like it’ll be something really cool!



  314.  #315lm on October 16, 2010 at 11:51 am

    my long-ago ex keeps calling me asking for custody of my dog so his new girlfriend can have company! i feel really gross and pressured! and pissed off!



  315.  #316Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 11:51 am

    pepe 308 LOLOLOL
    you’re right. u crack me up too hahahahahaha

    all i wanted to know is if you like mm’s too

    JEEZ, U STUPID MAN, I HATE MM’S. and now i hate you too!!!



  316.  #317Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 11:51 am

    😀 omg I feel soooo much better 🙂

    xxx
    NIkITA
    (lil miss perfect)



  317.  #318Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Nikita, Ouch. Umm… okay. Care to help? I feel open to ideas. I want it to feel different. Most profiles are these paragraphs of words, words, words. I want mine to feel different. Last time was a list of simple pleasures but I feel weird posting that again. I guess I could update it. Suggestions?



  318.  #319Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Shannon, I wasn’t crazy about your profile idea, either, but thought to myself, “What do I know? I’m not a guy — maybe guys would love it!”

    How about just —

    “I rock.”

    And lots of pics.

    😀



  319.  #320Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 11:56 am

    SS,

    how could I send you a link to one of my profiles?
    that is the only help I feel capable of right now but I don’t want to post it on the board…secret me ….ya know?



  320.  #321Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 11:57 am

    oooooh yah!! I like that!!

    “I ROCK”

    xxx
    lil miss perfect

    see pics for details LOL!



  321.  #322Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 11:58 am

    looool
    Happy that you like my sense of humor guys !
    laughing is real good !

    Pepe



  322.  #323Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    I would feel like cutting off somebody’s balls if they wanted MY dog to entertain their new GF….like….
    dude…..GET YOUR OWN DOG…..sheesh…get a cat



  323.  #324Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Renee, lots of times I “turn into Casper” (love the metaphor!!!) too . . . I just keep going, figuring that nobody had anything to say about it, and if I really need a response or help, I’ll do what Shannon did, and Jeannette, and repost, letting everyone know I feel a strong need for a response. But sometimes I don’t feel a strong need…. so I just think the best of everyone and myself and assume I am not really being ignored. 😀

    That said, which posts would you like a response to? 🙂



  324.  #325Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    I mean, dude, have you been paying dog support??? then how can you ask for custody on behalf of a stranger???
    just admit you miss me and her bj’s suck….or don’t suck enough…drop the games dude…i feel suspicious….and conserned….the two of you just aren’t gonna make it if you’re so boring you need Fido to play back-up…… I mean, really? what are you going through?……what’s REALLY going on?…..



  325.  #326Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Nikita! I hope you saw my apology. I didn’t mean anything by not responding. The ironic thing is I was just stoned at the time. I like the link mucho.
    ****
    In unrelated news

    My goal is to work through my triggers here while also respecting other people’s triggers. I don’t want to workk through triggers in a way that blames other people. even though it looks like a feeling message but feels like shit to those who read it. And I don’t want to enable others to blame others with their communication. Saying you feel attacked or don’t want to be attacked doesn’t mean you are actually being attacked, right? But by the time u’ve said that, the person you said it to feel shut down and blamed, and actually wants to attack the shit out of you.



  326.  #327Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    You girls are too interesting today! — I’m not getting my work done!!!!! 😛



  327.  #328Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    yes Dorothea, I saw your apology and I responded to it with a feeling message….

    318: Nikita says:

    omg I feel soooo much better

    xxx
    NIkITA
    (lil miss perfect)

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 11:51am



  328.  #329Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    woah, rori fixed the cussing filter. thanks rori<3

    it's one thing to say u feel attacked and leave it at that. it's another to say it as a way of controlling the other person or havin an expectation to outcome. like. i feel attacked so u have to shut up now and i win. i am sooo enlightened and u r shit.

    woah

    sarcasm.

    sarcasm indicates anger in this particular instance.

    i feel angry at manipulation.

    i feel angry for manipulating people myself.

    ohhhh this is GOOD



  329.  #330Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    oh i am blind, nikita, thanks.



  330.  #331Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    haha and u r shit…haha 🙂 ROLF… !!!!



  331.  #332Renee on October 16, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Lucy — It was post #259 that I was looking for a response to — Casper thanks you for your reply:)



  332.  #333Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    SS,
    where is your profile… i’m looking for it but can’t find it there’s like a douzen post can u give me tha number of your profile post ?

    gracias
    Pepe



  333.  #334Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Dorothea, it feels good to read what you wrote about working through triggers.

    Rori suggested this to me: “I know you are not attacking me, but it feels like that.”

    What do you think?



  334.  #335lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    326 – nikita,

    no dog support and he sent me an email giving me custody after we broke up (almost 3 years ago!!).

    this guy worked out of town half the year and didn’t even see the dog half the time! this is the 3 or 4th time he’s contacted me on this topic (each time several emails, texts and phone calls).

    i feel sort of weird about the whole thing. i defriended him on facebook and then he suddenly wanted my dog. and he’s GETTING MARRIED this year…shouldn’t he be focused on that? i have no romantic feelings for him and i feel really harassed!

    whew…i feel better.



  335.  #336Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    You cussed, Dorothea? I missed it!



  336.  #337Renee on October 16, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Why didn’t my :+) turn into a smiley? Huh. 😕



  337.  #338lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    nikita – he already has two cats. it is crazy.



  338.  #339Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    “i am sooo enlightened and u r shit.”

    Hehe. If someone says that, or thinks it, isn’t it an oxymoron? 😀



  339.  #340Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    hmmm lucy that is a decent idea. i know ur not attacking me but it feels like that

    i dunno

    if i felt compelled to say that, i wouldn’t actually KNOW they weren’t attacking me. it would be dishonest for me to say that i knew better.

    hmmm.

    going to ponder



  340.  #341Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Oh! Was “shit” the cuss??? LOL.



  341.  #342Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Yeah, I had that issue with it, too. Like, hmmm, maybe this person really IS attacking me (which is why it feels like an attack).

    How about, “I don’t know if you are attacking me or not, but it feels like an attack, and I feel bad.”



  342.  #343Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    IM,
    text him with a : “dude !!!! buy another dog for her and stop bothering me with that because i’m starting to feel annoyed ! Keep it coming and i will suit your sorry a** for dog harrasement… you’ll feel it hard the next you’ll see a dog you’ll run screaming like someone stole your popsicle ”

    Pepe



  343.  #344Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Reading Casper’s #259…..



  344.  #345Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    IM,

    RED FLAG.

    will you tell us his b-day??( wicked smile )

    mmm…this seems….crazy…like sag!!! crazy!!! or cancer possesive….or maybe capricorn….center of attention!!!! uh oh…. am I being SHITTY?

    rofl!!!! 😯



  345.  #346Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Pepe, we could make that into something gentler

    like

    i don’t want to hear about you taking my dog anymore. it feels awful to think about losing my dog. i would feel a lot better if u just got a new one for yourselves.



  346.  #347Renee on October 16, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Blondie called me this morning, btw, which I missed because I was getting my nails done for my date tonight. I feel good that I missed his call (though I would have loved to have talked to him)…but it makes it clear I’m busy when I’m too tied up to take his calls, ya know?

    Anyway…you girls have me ROLFMAO this afternoon — rock on!

    Shannon — I have no really good input about your profile…I think my profiles aren’t all that strong actually so I wouldn’t feel good advising you on yours.



  347.  #348Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Okay, Renee . . . My honest impressions… Don’t read if you don’t want to hear it. (Haha, Rori trick. :))

    I hear a lot of game-playing and manipulation in your thoughts. . . a lot of trying to control things, both with Blondie and with the business prospects/potential CD’s.

    Disclaimer: I am not saying that’s what you are doing — I’m saying that’s what I hear . . . which could be my own filters, etc.

    What do you think?

    LOVE,
    Lucy



  348.  #349lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    nikita – i am going to write this down..

    “I will NEVER feel ‘SORRY’ for a man again…it is a venus flytrap waiting to happen…..”



  349.  #350Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Dorothea,
    lol gentler’s good too ! lol

    Pepe



  350.  #351lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    his birthday is…november 28, i think.



  351.  #352Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    ugh…Dorothea is being the voice of reason and not riding the bandwagon of ridiculousness with me….

    hey YOU! get back here and be ridiculous with me!!!

    🙁

    I feel controlly and attacky when I say that….sigh….

    peer pressure 😯

    I feel really angry imagining my dog playing with my ex’s fiance …at my expense….I love my dog and we intend to stay together… I don’t want to have this conversation again…..I felt relieved with the email that said he was all mine and I feel comfortable with our original arrangement….Good luck …and I hope you find what you’re looking for ….. without me feeling crappy about it….or giving away my beloved pet.



  352.  #353lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    i told him:

    ‘i feel weird. i don’t want to talk about this anymore.’ he hasn’t responded.



  353.  #354Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    AHAAAAA!!!!!! it is sag!!!!! crazy mofo’s



  354.  #355Renee on October 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Lucy — There is some game-playing going on, but I feel like everyone else is playing a game from their angle and I need to play one from my angle…I’m just trying to watch out for my best interests instead of worrying about the men’s best interests, you know?

    But I am trying to control and I know that…I’m working on trying to just accept what is and go with the flow, but I’m a total control freak and it’s so hard.

    Felt really good when Blondie called this morning…I haven’t talked to him since Wednesday and it was nice to hear his voice:)

    I will take your words under advisement, but on the sex thing…how to ensure he’s really still “in it” and has not just decided I’m good to keep around for a piece when he wants it? That would feel awful to think that’s where he was coming from, but if that’s what’s true, how do I suss it out?



  355.  #356lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    he’s definitely not getting her! she’s mine!



  356.  #357Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Haha! Lucy, after I asked again I thought why the hell am I asking women what they think about my profile? 😉

    Nikita, I’ve linked my blog profile to this post. Maybe you can click my name and grab my email address. Once you do, I’m going to take it back off again. Yes, I feel paranoid. This is James Bond stuff. Haha!

    IM, I wonder if you could say “I feel curious about this contact about my dog. I don’t want to give you my dog. I feel clear about that and yet there’s still this contact. I feel confused and yet curious to know why. What do you think?” My belief: he misses you.

    Okay, I guess I will work on something else for my profile. Writing “I rock” is a possibility but I feel nervous about that. Do I rock? Eeep. Lots of butterflies…



  357.  #358Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    @305: Lucy says:
    “SLV, Mary posted on another thread…. either “How to Find Happiness…” or “Half-truths” …. not sure which one….”

    It’s because of her ad that I’m scouting CL for future use. If I read “backwards” in the threads and “see her” there I’ll say “Hi.” I’m new here and don’t want her to think I’m a stalker… 😆

    SLV



  358.  #359lm on October 16, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    thanks for the dog feedback!



  359.  #360Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Renee, about the sex — I would say have sex with him if YOU want to, with NO agenda, NO attachment to the outcome — just for the pleasure of the moment and how it feels good to be with him emotionally and physically — if and when it does for you….

    AND, use feeling messages and “don’t wants” to communicate with him about it — BUT, you’re going to have to trust whatever he says to be the truth (even if it isn’t) — and trust YOURSELF to take care of you no matter what.



  360.  #361Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    SS,

    ok..I sent you an email…a lazy email but…I hope it works 🙂



  361.  #362Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Yes trust what he says but watch his “acting” also
    you know what they say when guys don’t walk the talk… i forgot the rest

    Pepe



  362.  #363Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    I do not like this new font 🙁



  363.  #364Renee on October 16, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Thanks, Lucy. My guy friend says to wait 3 dates and see what he does, but it seems kind of silly to go backwards like that…and yet….I don’t know.

    He asked me yesterday when he was going to get to make love to me again (after I shared with him this erotic dream I had) and I just ignored the question, so I think he’s under the impression it might be a little while before we do again and I’m curious how soon he’s going to try to see me now that I’ve turned him down for Sunday. I miss him so much though, that I’m halfway considering telling him my plans fell through for Sunday just so I can see him after all…

    Oh well…just do it if I feel like it emotionally…we have such a strong physical connection and I don’t want to wait that long (if I do have to wait). Guess we’ll see how I feel.



  364.  #365Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Nikita, Got it! Hooray! 🙂



  365.  #366Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Renee,

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him that you have no more plans for sunday cause he will sense that you say that because yeah you miss him that much… does he changes his plans for you ?
    That will make him eager to see you, about the sex…it doesn’t matter if you go backwards, what you didn’t sign a contract with him saying after the first we have sex i have to keep it up ! I agree with your guy friend…keep ur finger on the pause button for that area that’s only way u’ll know for sure what’s his intentions are…

    Pepe



  366.  #367Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    319: Simply Shannon says:
    “…Most profiles are these paragraphs of words, words, words…Suggestions?”

    I saw your profile but since I’m an online dating virgin I was hesitant to respond. Your profile looks original, intelligent and fun. I wish I could do one that looks as good.

    I suppose the real qualifier is the kind of results you get. Keep us posted.

    SLV



  367.  #368Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Well hell. I guess I’m back in the dating game. To read OkCupid, you have to enable your account for at least one week. 😯

    Nikita = knockout. Holy moly.



  368.  #369Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    someone didnt close their italics tag



  369.  #370Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    test



  370.  #371Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    silly italics.



  371.  #372Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Shannon, here’s how I came up with the “I rock” idea for your profile:

    I asked myself, “Hmmm, what do I know about Shannon…?”

    I answered myself, “She rocks.”

    Bingo!

    “I rock.”

    😀



  372.  #373Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    364: Nikita says:
    “…new font”

    Gee, I thought it was my fault and I was beginning to feel like the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” 😳 Did I forget to turn it off?…

    SLV



  373.  #374BarbinOz on October 16, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    #271 Sienna

    Ah, a tank top or as they call it in Australia a singlet 🙂



  374.  #375Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    test, closing tag one more time…



  375.  #376Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    again



  376.  #377Turtle Girl on October 16, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Ladies-

    In light of all that Rori teaches and all that we/I am trying to learn and keep. Very cool song.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HStSKy2Ck9k

    Both men I have been dating for the last 5 months who both want “exclusivity” have now basically left. they both got very jealous about me dating others and said they “would no compete”. I have given both of the them the no girlfriend speech more than once,
    one hung around for a while and then freaked out.

    The other said he would not work toward marraige if I would not be exclusive with him. So-I said ok and I got on my horse and rode off. It felt bad and scary and weird for a couple days. I felt I should have gone exclusive with the one guy. But then no. What is wrong with these men? They shy away from fighting for the women. They don’t want to have to work for it. They are so used to being given it one a silver platter for the last forty years that they walk when things get a little tough. Wow.

    Rori says these men do not step up and won’t and a better one will. I have to keep thinking that. So right now I am back to square one. Zero. Next guy in the line up. Oh how this gets old and oh how I get tired of this. Dating and dating and dating, and none of them step up. they get up to the line, want to “keep” you without a real commitment and then vanish if you wont do it their way.

    Argggh!! These men make me furious. Trigger trigger trigger. I want to slap them and dunk them in a pail of water. I want to called them Idiots! I an angry. I love my anger…..sh*t fire to save matches…



  377.  #378Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    I am so blushing 8) , SS



  378.  #379Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Dorothea:

    Hi! And welcome back!

    I do feel happy to see you but I just I am also feeling a bit weird reading some of your words about the fighting on the blog. When I read them, I hear a lot of judgement and that makes me feel standoff-ish.

    To me, (and I recognize this is being translated through my own filter) I hear you making others wrong. I hear you saying “you all don’t know how to treat people. You don’t act right. You aren’t right. You are wrong. You are bad.”

    and I know that you didn’t even leave because of me. I wasn’t a part of the whole hub bub that bothered you. But I have been part of drama in the past.

    So ya, I guess I’m just wanting to communicate what came up for me when I saw your post. I felt excited to see you but also trepidatious to comment when you said “are you guys not being cruel to each other?”.

    That felt like saying “hey, I’ll come play if you act exactly the way I want” and that feels weird and uncomfortable to me because I don’t know your exact rules and I can’t promise that I will be able to follow them.

    Sometimes I am cruel. Sometimes I make mistakes.

    But yes, I am happy to see you and I feel a little weird writing this. I’m really working on having the courage to express uncomfortable feelings I have when they are small and before they become raging triggerfests.



  379.  #380Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    how do i fix this font issue Dorothea wondered…



  380.  #381Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    But why is this font issue our responsibility..I just figured Rori was experimenting with her own settings…?



  381.  #382Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    i am trying to work out small triggers, too!

    I’m not sure if i’ll ever be “ok” with the way people were acting here. i don’t like feeling wrapped up in wanting to explain myself either. Craving approval for my actions and opinions from others has never actually improved my life but it’s second nature to me and underlies most of what i do and feel. i could just as easily not seek approval for being me and get the same exact outcome. or maybe a better outcome. remains to be tested and seen.



  382.  #383Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Turtle girl,

    I have to admit that i feel uncomfortable with the dating other guys… all the girls that i know that got married didn’t circular date… i think the reason rori’s says CD is good is to stop us from getting our energy and toughts glued on Our guy, i would CD if my guy is actin up but if he’s not i don’t see the point… but that’s me.
    I think it’s great that these guys asked you to be exclusive with them, maybe you could have tried to be exclusive with the one you liked the most and see what happens next i mean they knew that you were keepin ur options open and that if they act right u’ll walk cause duh he’s not the only man on earth who wants to be have a relationship with you.

    Are you sure that with them it’s really done ? you haven’t heard from them at all ?

    Pepe



  383.  #384BarbinOz on October 16, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    #265 Jeanette

    My sister S married M about 14 years ago (2nd marriage). He was in perfectly good health (they thought) until about 5 years ago when he started having heart attacks, it seems he had some congenital heart disease. For the past 2 years he was unable to work and she became the breadwinner and he had a small disability pension, of course in the UK medical treatment is free for everybody so no worries on that score.

    I just got the dreaded phone call from England to tell me that M has passed away a few hours ago. I phoned my sister and we talked about M and what a good man he was and how much they loved each other and she said “I know, I was so lucky to have him.”

    He was 50 years young, life REALLY is too short.



  384.  #385Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    i feel trapped in a battle between being judge n jury for whether other people’s negative feelings or actions are good enough and being boundary-less.
    i feel pouty about this. i feel like a toddler!!



  385.  #386Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Not looking for an answer to this (mainly because I’m scared of what the answer might be) . . . but I’m finding myself feeling curious reading —

    “I’m not sure if i’ll ever be “ok” with the way people were acting here.”

    I feel curious about which ones of us Dorothea is talking about — because, as I saw it, Person A thought Person B was the one acting cruel, and Person B thought Person A was the one acting cruel, and Person C thought the same as Person A, and Person D thought the same as Person B etc etc etc.

    Each person thought the OTHER person was the one “behaving badly” and not themselves.

    So it feels kinda weird to think about…..



  386.  #387Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    I put in the tags (and I believe I did also in my post which turned on the i formattting) but the italics still did not turn off.

    Triggered!!! Am I also banished? On “Candid Camera?” “Candid Webcam?” 😆

    SLV



  387.  #388Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Dorothea,

    i feel curious also to know who your talking about
    is it me ???



  388.  #389Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I didn’t feel like anyone was being cruel to ME at all.

    I felt a number of triggers now that i’m thinking about it some more. I could have shared them at the time. I felt like part victim, part protector.



  389.  #390Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Ya, for me, that’s the point. We all think we are right and the other is being cruel. It’s just a matter of perspective.

    But Dorothea, one thing that may make you feel better is Rori did just recently post that thinks the triggering point has been made and she is now requesting that we start usuing feeling messages when we are triggered. I felt relieved reading that.

    Have you seen the post Dorothea? Does that help you to feel more safe? Lucy also posted a great summary of what Rori said. I can try and find it if you haven’t seen it. I feel crooks how you feel about it.



  390.  #391Daria on October 16, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Test



  391.  #392Daria on October 16, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Test 2



  392.  #393Daria on October 16, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Slv – it would feel great if you could close the italics tag, and also teach me the cool way you used it to affect the whole board



  393.  #394Daria on October 16, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Oh oops! I see you’ve tried!



  394.  #395Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Omg! I feel curious not crooks!

    Thanks but no thanks iPhone spellcheck. It’s really not helping.



  395.  #396Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    yes! i heard rori said something about it so i thought yay i will try to use this community beneficially now to work through my triggers in a yummy constructive way.

    i am really going to try.



  396.  #397Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Needing to riff some more…

    When I saw rori’s post about the “squeaky voice” I felt scared and sort of let down. I was wondering why would she encourage people to express judgements and such.

    Then, when I saw her recent post about using feeling messages and that she wasn’t condoning judgemental statements, I felt so relieved. I feel safe when there are some sort of guidelines for communication.

    Then I felt doubtful thinking well there are no guidelines in the real world. So maybe it’s good to have a free for all here. Then we get to practice.

    But the truth is, I felt safer when there is some sort of framework set up for how to deal with our triggers. And it does feel like spiritual growth for me…using feeling statements to process through triggers.

    Dorothea you said

    “My goal is to work through my triggers here while also respecting other people’s triggers. I don’t want to workk through triggers in a way that blames other people. even though it looks like a feeling message but feels like shit to those who read it. And I don’t want to enable others to blame others with their communication. Saying you feel attacked or don’t want to be attacked doesn’t mean you are actually being attacked, right? But by the time u’ve said that, the person you said it to feel shut down and blamed, and actually wants to attack the shit out of you.”

    think the reason feeling message like “I feel attacked” feel blameful and triggering is because they aren’t really feeling statements.

    I wonder if saying “I feel furious because I’m thinking you are attacking me” might feel less triggering or blameful.

    I feel rambling right now. I’m just trying to understand all this.



  397.  #398Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 1:47pm

    394: Daria says:
    “Slv – it would feel great if you could close the italics tag, and also teach me the cool way you used it to affect the whole board”

    It was totally accidental. I would never interfere with the blog on purpose…

    I checked the source code and found my error at #359 — the end tag (closing tag) is broken. I’m guessing my ancient fingers or brain cells were a tad dyslexic.

    The break–> is left caretbracket i space slash right caretbracket

    Got any ideas how to fix? I added correct closing brackets a couple times to subsequent posts, usually that closes off the style and starts again…but this time…no joy.

    Feel like crying…and feeling sad and decrepit.

    SLV 😥



  398.  #399Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Oh, SLV! I don’t want you to feel bad! We all know it was an accident, and I don’t think anyone is upset with you. I *think* Daria actually DOES think it’s cool that there is a way to have that much power (am I right, Daria?)



  399.  #400Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Margaret Paul calls statements like “I feel attacked, judged, etc” blaming feelings.

    I wish I could remember where I saw it and exactly what she said. But I remembering reading it and thinking aha, that why I feel so triggered when people say those type of things.

    If someone says “I feel pissed because I think you are judging me” then it feels like there is a little wiggle room. It’s like saying “I think you are judging me but I recognize that it’s in my head and I’m not going to presume to be in your head and know exactly what you are thinking”. And that feels like there is room for growth and personal responsibility.

    When someone says “I feel judged, attacked, etc” my internal reaction is shear anger because I see that person putting themselves in victim mode and thereby puttin me in the victimizer role and that really really triggers me.

    Wow! Interesting. What I I didn’t get triggered by that. Hmmmm. I’m going to ponder that. What if I didn’t get triggered when people go in to victim mode.

    “I feel judged”

    my normal response (in my head) “barf! Gimme a break.”

    my new response. “hmmm, yes I can imagine that you feel bad right now. It must feel bad to see yourself as a victim. What can we do to empower you”.

    Once again….just rambling. Sorting some stuff out. I welcome any thoughts (or feelings).



  400.  #401Daria on October 16, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Yes of course! And I feel awful reading any kind of putting yourself down. I feel Bad. It just feels awful and I don’t want to have my sirens putting themselves down.

    Not on my watch! As Rori says.

    Not subtly not with justification nada.



  401.  #402Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Oh SLV! I feel bad that you are upset. It’s no big deal. Sh*t happens. No use crying over spilled milk!

    I want to hig your little girl right now and tell her it’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn and awesome new things are discovered. I think it’s super cool that you even know how to do all those things. All I can do is a smiley face 🙂



  402.  #403Daria on October 16, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Daria



  403.  #404Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    pooh pooh……I feel angry you feel judged… (how do i emoticon sticking my tongue out?)

    I feel like ignoring you…because I refuse to feel sorry for you…

    traaalaaaa laaaaaa… I am smurfette 😉

    hahaaaa…..



  404.  #405Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    LG, I feel interested in this too.

    How about we work through an example?

    Person A: You are an idiot!

    Person B: I feel judged.

    OR

    I feel furious being called an idiot.

    OR

    I feel furious because I think you are judging me.

    And Rori says, then do the walkaway.

    Sometimes people actually ARE judging.



  405.  #406Daria on October 16, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Daria



  406.  #407Daria on October 16, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I like I feel furious being called an idiot.



  407.  #408Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Person A: You are an idiot!

    Person B: I know you are but what am I?

    Person non grata: lurk, lurk, lurk

    Person A: you are such an idiot you are too stupid to see I am telling you what you are, an IDIOT.

    Person B: I’m rubber you’re glue…whatever you say bounces off of me AND STICKS TO YOU.

    persona non grata: traaa laaaa laaaa… lurk,lurk,lurk



  408.  #409Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Wow, Nikita, in your example, Person B is saying a form of “Mirror!”

    Interesting….

    Does that mean that any time we are pointing out a mirror or projection, we might as well be saying, I know you are but what am I?



  409.  #410Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    @ Laughing goddess
    thanks, I’ll be accepting that hug about now…

    @& nikita
    Razz, tongue out is without space ==> : P

    Embarassed face is without spaces ==> : oops :

    SLV



  410.  #411Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Person A: You are an idiot.

    Person B: I feel like punching anyone in the face that calls me an idiot…. I feel violent when I am called names…. I feel like strangling the person with my bare hands….. I feel angry and unseen….. being called names does not meet my need for respect and compassionate communication….. I feel like ignoring you because I do not feel safe if I am being called names….I feel bi*chy….defensive and invisible..



  411.  #412Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    😛



  412.  #413Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Lucy,

    I don’t know…I don’t make the rules…I just memorize them.



  413.  #414Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    you know what rings really true for me personally? is that sometimes the walkaway or ignore is a way of controlling and punishing for triggering us. like when we dont pick up the phone even though we so terribly much want to talk to the guy. we’re not done having control.

    then we feel guilty and afraid of losing that person cuz we were playing control and punishment games.

    then we overfunction to make up for that.

    blah. feels gross. guilt and control are woven into most everyone’s daily action and thought process. this makes me feel like puking cuz i don’t think most people are aware of it at all. and those who are half the time can’t or dont do aything about it.



  414.  #415Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    😳

    I am not razzing slv 🙁



  415.  #416Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    Person A: You did blah blah blah, every time you blah blah blah, you are blah blah blah, I think you blah blah blah blah….

    Person B: I feel furious hearing this.

    Walkaway.

    Person A: If you walk away, you are never going to grow! Stay here so I can help you!

    Person B [furiouser and furioser, and wanting to DEFEND herself!!!! …. walks away and drops to the floor and cries and comes back later when she feels better, hoping that Person A won’t say things like that again.]



  416.  #417Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    cha-chiggetty….check yo-self before you wreck yourself



  417.  #418Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Oh yes Daria! That feels good!

    I feel furious being called an idiot.

    I FEEL FURIOUS BEING CALLED AND IDIOT!!!!

    Ha ha. It feel clear and honest. I really like it. I’m going to use that next time someone calls me an idiot. 🙂



  418.  #419Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Nikita, I like #412!!!



  419.  #420Dorothea on October 16, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    i am not a nazi. i might feel indignant about the way someone responds to me but that’s my business. there is nothing more tiring than saying to someone who is triggerng u or hurting u “CAN’T YOU SEE YOU ARE HURTING ME SO BAD.”

    very few people like hurting others. so they especially dont like hearing that they are making u feel hurt. and sometimes they are not actually hurting u or meaning to hurt u, so you counterstrike with hurting them this way.

    complicated. to be clear i am usign the proverbial ‘you’ here



  420.  #421Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I effin hate this!!!

    Person A: If you walk away, you are never going to grow! Stay here so I can help you!

    and I know people that do it…… i think it is their form of control….



  421.  #422Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    😛

    GOLD STAR!!! for nikita …(crowd roars)



  422.  #423Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Dorothea, interesting perspective about walkaway and ignore being a form of control and punishment.

    I *think* it depends on the person/personality.

    For me, walking away or ignoring is extremely difficult — almost impossible — so, for me, it actually feels like LETTING GO of control —

    walking away, *letting* the other person have their beliefs and thoughts about me that feel so bad to me instead of trying to defend myself and make them change their mind about me —



  423.  #424Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Yes, Nikita, I hate that too! That’s what really gets to me! I don’t know how to deal with it! I feel like punching them, and I feel like I am going to have a heart attack.



  424.  #425Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Whoops, meant to say Lucy and Daria.



  425.  #426Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    I tend to walk away when I have decided to start beating in your face with a hammer….that usually gets me to leave the scene…..I come back or reach out when I am thoroughly cooled off and trust myself not to say mean destructive crap….and anyone getting in my way when I am walking away is *asking for it* in my mind….and I will give it to you….so …..yeah….I think it’s time for me to leave…your unborn children will thank me later….
    it feels like a definite boundary issue for me…if you *can’t let me go* you are addicted to the *scene* and looking for the *wrong* kind of attention.



  426.  #427Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    @Nikita
    “I am not razzing slv

    I know. : wink : 😉

    Bzzzztttt, bzzzzttt, bzzzzzzztttt, that’s my woman brain trying to find a solution.

    If I was a man I’d be tucking the whole thing in the “nothing box.” 😆

    SLV



  427.  #428Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    For me, what Lucy says in #424 rings true a well. It’s extremely hard for me to walk away and it is a form of giving up control. I do see some people use the walk away to control though. Hmmm, interesting.

    I’m really learning fromthis conversation. Thanks ladies!



  428.  #429Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Aw, LG, thanks! Lol. This is embarrassing to admit, but I worked through a teeny tiny trigger when you didn’t “credit” me. [blushing] Lol. I feel silly and childish. I feel good that maybe admitting something like this can help other people face stuff that feels petty. I told myself, “It doesn’t matter whose idea it was, all that matters is that we are all learning and growing together.” And I felt good about that new story instead of the pouty baby story I reactively told myself at first. And then, wow! I felt surprised that you added my name! Be surprised.

    I feel stupid posting this.



  429.  #430Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Dorthea: I guess if I were to answer your original question “are you guys not being cruel to each other?”, the answer would be…

    I dunno, it depends on who you ask.



  430.  #431Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Lucy: awww I feel tender hearing you admit your trigger. I feel understanding as I have been in similar situations. I also feel grateful for having those little triggers to practice on and feel hopeful that someday I’ll be able to deal with the big triggers.



  431.  #432Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    So now i feel a little triggered about something Nikita said. I felt bad admitting that I feel angry when someone says “I feel judged”. I’m judging myself for being heartless by nit supporting someone in being a victim. I feel hypocritical. Maybe I’m making myself a victim when I say someone else is putting me in the role of being a victimizer when they make themselves a victim.

    Noone has the power to make me a victimizer. By thinking they do, I am giving up my power.

    Wow! This feels like a deep thing for me. I feel really pissed when I think people are trying to pull the victim card. WTF? What is this all about.

    I feel furious when I think people are doing that. I feel livid. I feel like crushing them.

    I would much rather someone be openly in my face vs. Playing the victim card. Ugh. I feel pissed just thinking about it. WTF?



  432.  #433Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    What really bothers ME is when someone accuses someone of playing “victim” — and then later turns around and plays victim themselves.



  433.  #434Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    aah yes, the old bait and switch



  434.  #435Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Person A: I feel attacked.

    Me: I feel livid hearing you say you feel attacked. I don’t want to have the power to hurt you. I don’t want for either of us to give our power away. I don’t want for us to be anything other than equals.

    I get that you feel bad hearing what I said. I don’t want to hurt you yet I also don’t want to stifle my own feelings. I don’t want to hold my feelings in out of fear of hurting you. I don’t want either of us to hurt.

    Just practicing here.



  435.  #436Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    LG,

    triggered by this?

    405: Nikita says:

    pooh pooh……I feel angry you feel judged… (how do i emoticon sticking my tongue out?)

    I feel like ignoring you…because I refuse to feel sorry for you…

    traaalaaaa laaaaaa… I am smurfette

    hahaaaa…..

    Saturday, 16 October 2010 @ 2:19pm



  436.  #437Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Lucy: re: “What really bothers ME is when someone accuses someone of playing “victim” — and then later turns around and plays victim themselves.”

    I feel in agreement and also amused because I think it pretty much always works out that way. I mean, we wouldn’t really accuse someone else of acting like a victim if we didn’t also do it ourselves on some level. The whole mirror thing and all.

    Feels ironic to me somehow, and a little frustrating. I don’t want to admit that I do things that really piss me off when others do.



  437.  #438Lucy on October 16, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    True, LG, but isn’t the point to not accuse (judge)anyone of anything in the first place?



  438.  #439Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I feel judged….. mmm….I do agree this is not really a feeling…. it could almost be an attack….as soon as I hear…I feel judged…….I feel defensive, and angry…to say I feel judged seems like you have crawled into my mind and given me an agenda….

    I don’t like name-calling…that is my trigger…

    oh…..I get angry if someone “feels judged” because I want them to be strong enough to not need my approval? I dunno…but I feel curious….



  439.  #440Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Nikita: ya, because when you simplified what I said to

    “I feel angry you feel judged”

    I started to judge myself. I wasn’t triggered by what you said in the sense that I thought you were trying to offend me. Rather it just made me think about it deeper and I started judging myself…if that makes sense…



  440.  #441Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Lucy: re 439

    yes, I suppose so. But…I feel resistance. I feel whiny and sullen thinking…”but why does it have to be so hard? I’ll never be able to completely stop judging people and situations.”



  441.  #442Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    if i wore a dress and my man said…you look “cheap” in it….and I said I feel judged…..well….there’s a disconnect for me….. he is on the defensive now, trying to prove he loves me? when really…I feel bad that my man called me “cheap”…..I don’t want to feel bad when really I am trying to look appealing and sexy to him…and here he is not accepting me or my effort?

    aha…approval seeking!!! now who has the hidden agenda? If I dressed for myself and approved of myself and my man said “you look cheap”,,,I would say…”really?, I thought I was looking sexy and you were going to start munching on my carpet(lol)…”
    man…”nah”

    me…”huh”

    man…”if you want me to munch on your carpet….put the black skirt on….”

    me …”ok 🙂 “



  442.  #443Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    NS: it’s going to be okay. I promise you, everything is going to be okay.

    I know it seems bad right now but you just gotta trust everything is going to work out in great and wonderful ways.



  443.  #444Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Are you planning on keeping the baby?



  444.  #445Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Wow Nikita! I feel impressed with your ability to weave insight with raunchy humor. I feel impressed.



  445.  #446Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Knock softly…um…. congrats on the little one and here’s a present 🙂

    http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-labor-and-birth_3658872.bc



  446.  #447Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Dolly Parton “it costs a lot of money to look this cheap”

    🙂



  447.  #448Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Knocksoftly,

    I support your decision either way….. as long as it is what you feel is best….not spite…

    (I do not want children) I am not going to try and convince you to do something I would not want to do….I feel too scared….and I do not want to risk doing it alone when I KNOW it is not something I want….some women really want that……. you know who you are and I trust you to know what is best for you.



  448.  #449Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    @knocksoftly

    It’s your decision. You don’t have to decide all in one day but assume guy will not be supporting you and start thinking of what you could do.

    Get a tablet of paper and a pen and start writing down things. Put your thoughts, random words and doodles on paper. Think of some ways you could get some money, sell some things, borrow money, use credit card etc.

    Do you have a couple of girlfriends you could talk to? Even if they are not close friends, you might know of a kind person your age or an older woman you could speak with.

    You would be surprised how often other woman have been in the same situation and they would be willing to show you kindness, support and help you pull yourself together if you are feeling a little shaky and upset. They might also have some ideas for financial assistance. You never know until you ask.

    SLV



  449.  #450Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    I meant “other women.”



  450.  #451lm on October 16, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    oh, knocksoftly! i think you’ll feel tonnes of support here.

    also, you might want to speak to a counselor at a women’s clinic or through your workplace employee assistance program (if you are lucky enough to have one), just to have someone to help you through whatever you decide to do.

    hugs



  451.  #452Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    knocksoftly,

    wow, i feel for you
    And please stop thinking about that jerk !
    The way he handled this says a lot about his caracter or should i say lack of caracter…there’s nothing more to understand.
    Say to yourself that you are having this baby alone and you’re the one whose going to have to decide by yourself what your gonna do.
    And please if you decide to terminate your pregnancy do it because you think it’s the best thing to do not because he’s doing a disapearing act.

    Pepe



  452.  #453Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    KS: I totally support your decision to do what you feel is best for you.

    And I don’t mean to dismiss your feelings.

    I truly do believe though that this will work out. No matter what you decide to do. You have so many options. Magic is happening around us always. New solutions are coming and doors are opening all the time. Things can change in an instant.

    In this situation, I would try o focus on that and not worry about what he is doing. Maybe it’s best that he’s not around so that you can focus on doing what YOU want. That is what is important.



  453.  #454Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Wow! I feel warm and tingly thinking about the NS having a baby. And I also feel grateful that she has the option to terminate if that’s what feels right.

    What an abundant, miraculous universe we live in! So many choices, so many options, so many paths this story can take…all leading to wonderful things.



  454.  #455Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    knocksoflty,

    ummm …But it is weird that he didn’t at least SAY something, maybe the fact that you were texting him everyday asking what he wanted to do made him feel pressured…guys react strangely when they feel pressure ! even the good ones.
    Since it’s something that is important and he is after all the father of your baby maybe you can try texting him one LAST time saying i feel scared to face alone, i feel scared to make a decision alone i’m sorry for preassuring you about this but i will feel so relieved if we could together what we are going to do about this…and nothing more. don’t keep on texting.
    and give him a delay (in your head) that feels good to you for him to answer, and the mean time try figure out what you’re going to do if after for ex after one week he doesn’t manifest himself…and do it.

    Hope that help, hugs
    Pepe



  455.  #456Daria on October 16, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Knocksoftly – I don’t know where you are, but here in California all you need is Will, and an ID to get Emergency Medi-CAL for an abortion.. Just go to the hospital and tell them you need it for emergency only, it will cover the 400$ abortion fee.

    It will work even though they may try to give you the run around somewhat.

    I saw my gf do this and I did it too, and even got 200$ back from medi-cal after i had already paid 200.

    its not regular medi-cal, they told me im not eligible for that, but EMERGENCY Medi-CAL



  456.  #457Daria on October 16, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    Knocksoftly – actually this is a very common man reaction.

    that is, immature man reaction

    well i know when i told the guy i had been having sex with that i was pregnant,

    he told me Bit8ch you better go get an abortion, I know it’s not mine, and I’m gonna have my mama or my cousins jump you



  457.  #458Laughing goddess on October 16, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    NS: I dunno. I feel weird saying this. I’m not sure if it will resonate with you. But what if he’s not really trying to hurt you. What if he’s feeling scared, overwhelmed, wondering how he could possibly finance this?

    I’m not trying to make excuses for him or trying to get in his head…I’m just saying…what if he isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you, he’s just dealing with this the best way he knows how.

    What if you just give him the benefit of the doubt, let go of wondering how someone could be so cold, and then turn all your focus on taking care of you?

    Oh that feels good. I’m envisioning you free of concerns about him, feeling the empowerment of turning your energy towards you, and seeing the answers coming in to clear focus.



  458.  #459BarbinOz on October 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Knocksoftly

    Sending you good vibes across the oceans, do whatever is best for YOU……you are getting great advise here from the Sirens. Take care.



  459.  #460Daria on October 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    whoa i’ve just triggered myself… i feel sad



  460.  #461Senior Lady Vibe on October 16, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    @Daria

    Thanks for jumping in here; this is the kind of wise woman info I was thinking of for knockingsoftly.

    When the man hasn’t stepped up, there’s not much value in spending time analyzing the guy’s thoughts and asking him over and over, much better for the woman to think of her own feelings and make an action plan.

    SLV



  461.  #462Daria on October 16, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Ouch ouch ouch I feel sad!



  462.  #463Daria on October 16, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Thanks Slv.



  463.  #464Daria on October 16, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Knocksoftly – what state are you in? I will inform myself

    Ps the emergency medical is not one that checks for eligibility, I am not eligible either… It’s something many people dint know about.

    Do you have planned parenthood where you are?



  464.  #465Pepe on October 16, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    knocksoftly,

    He changed his number !!!! how lame and pathetic.
    Than my first post was dead one… don’t even think about that him ! and i 100% agree with Senior Lady Vibe. The fact that he changed his number says it all… focus on you, on what you want and what’s best for you and start mking plans.

    Pepe



  465.  #466Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Is email an option…..?

    and…I could see myself taking advantage of being allowed to make this decision without anyone else pressuring me. I would feel angry but I would also feel free to hit the restart button on the situation. Because we might not want the same things…

    and I believe where there is anger there is guilt on the other side of the equation..where the man is concerned….and maybe shame ……besides angry…

    How do you feel? scared, anxious, betrayed, abandoned…? we can focus on him but it will only feel worse….if we focus on you….we can begin to feel better…even through any rage and fear…..



  466.  #467Brenda on October 16, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Dorothea,

    RE: #286 – I hope you saw my welcome back about a week ago. I feel happy to see you back, even tho I felt ignored when I sent you an email from my heart.



  467.  #468Brenda on October 16, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Knocksoftly,

    I feel sad to hear you are having deep struggles. Your unborn child has a heartbeat, brainwaves, and can feel pain even at 8 weeks old, the typical age when unborn children are killed. Please don’t let them kill your baby! He or she is a child, not a choice. What would he or she choose? Please let him or her have the choice to live. There are no cheap solutions, but is killing an innocent, defenseless child a solution?

    There are crisis pregnancy centers who could help you find a good adoptive home. They will probably also be able to help with the expenses of your other child. They care and they are there to help you, and so am I.



  468.  #469Lizzie on October 16, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    knock softly – I am so sorry you must face such a difficult decision alone. I feel very very sad.



  469.  #470Simply Shannon on October 16, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Knocksoftly, I just wanted to second everything that has been said here. There are so many options available. If I were pregnant and alone, I would feel very scared, shocked, numb… scared. How am I going to do this? How am I going to raise a baby? How will I feel if I terminate the pregnancy?

    I actually feel better that he is not in the equation “helping” you make this choice if he’s not going to be supportive of the aftermath, regardless of your decision.

    Just as there may be other options for termination, there are many options for keeping the baby. I’d want to know all of my options before proceeding.

    (((HUGS))) Gently holding space for you as you work through this. No judgments. Shannon



  470.  #471Nikita on October 16, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    restart…… cut the strings …. I don’t know how to explain it but you refer to him as your toxic man………..

    if he is toxic….you have chosen to be involved with him….. now you may be genetically linked to him.

    I hear you say he does not want a child. I hear you feeling the same way about it as him. I would feel like…ok, this is my chance to get out of this situation with him for good…… no more.

    New life, new dates….start over with a new attitude, this reminds me of the straw that broke the camel’s back.