The Art Of Attracting Him

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So – what possible link can there be between drawing and attracting men?

Lots of links, actually, and I’m working with them myself.  I’m taking an art class once a week – I’ve always loved drawing and painting – but never had any real “technique” so I’d get frustrated with what I was doing and then stop.

Even more important – art, like everything else in my life – became about DOING something instead of simply EXPERIENCING something.

So, in signing up for this class, I set a different intention.  I decided this particular class would be like a weekly visit to an “ashram” – where it would be all about meditation.  It would be all about Exploring, Experimenting, Experiencing, Engaging, Expressing and Expanding (the 6 Good E’s from my Modern Siren program).

I would let go and just be, and give myself over to the experience and the FEELINGS.

It turned out to be just the thing I was looking for, and so I wanted to make up a Tool for you that would help you the way this class is helping me to slow down even more and allow myself to feel and be taken care of by the teachers. (This is not the technique and method from the class – it’s not a Tool about art, but a kind of fun way to shift your perceptions – you’ll get right away how this can really work for you with a man…)

1.  Get a simple piece of paper and a pencil. The softer the pencil, the better.

2.  Pick a time when you have at least 1/2 hour to yourself this first time (You only need 10 minutes after you get the hang of it), and put yourself somewhere where no one will bother you, talk to you, or call you.

3.  Find a table and a chair, clear off the table, and put a few simple objects on it – an apple, a cup, a vase – large, simple shapes.

4.  Sit down, and shake out your arms.

5.  Hold the pencil lightly for now, and just look at the objects.

6.  Pick one of the objects.  Really, really look at it.  What we’re doing here is changing the way you see things, the way you look at things, and slowing down the process of how you see and experience things.

7.  As you look at the object, move your hand easily over the paper, without touching the pencil down, without drawing anything.

8.  Really look at that object.  See if you can see the entire shape of it, like it’s all one shape.  Now look at the detail of it – see if you can see how the light hits it, where the shine is, how the curves curve, what it’s like where the object meets the table.

9.  Now just touch your pencil down to the paper, and let it draw the whole shape of the object lightly, without lifting up the pencil – keep your hand flowing, and don’t worry about what your drawing looks like.

10.  Now slowly notice the smaller details about the object – a curve, a shadow, a shape, a shine – and sort of draw it. Just explore it on the page for longer than you normally would.

11.  This is almost like touching the object, only you’re doing it pencil to paper.  Don’t worry about getting anything “right.”

12.  Now – here’s the “therapy” part:  I want you to notice if you’re tense in your shoulders, and if you’re trying to “accomplish” anything.  If you’re worried about the “time,” or the “foolishness” of this – or if you feel like you’re in a “hurry” to get a picture done and “done right.”

13.  Breathe.  Slow your hand down on the paper, slow your mind down by just focusing on the object.

14.  If you have time, move your attention to one of the other objects, and follow the same steps.

Now – how do you use this with a man?

Let’s say you go to a party, or a restaurant, or a bar. There are lots and lots of people around, noise, it can feel overwhelming.

First, see the room as a “whole,” just the way you did the object.  If you were to draw it, there would be one big space with lots of small movement in it.

Then, if one man, or the man you’re with comes close, see him as both a detail of the space – the way you did the curve of the cup or the angle of the teapot handle you were drawing – and then as a whole.

“Take him in” the way you took in the object you were drawing.

Now look at all his details – his eyes, his mouth, his hair – just observe and BE WITH him and his details just the way you’ve practiced being with the objects you’ve been drawing.

Slow down.  Breathe, smile.  Experience.

(If you discover you love this, there are very inexpensive art classes everywhere, at community centers and junior colleges and even university “extensions” – and if you have an art supply store anywhere near you – the time you spend there will be like an “ashram” experience in in itself, so use this process to get yourself a large “newsprint” pad and a soft “charcoal” pencil (make sure they show you how to sharpen it at the store – that’s part of the whole thing).

Sometimes doing this in a “group” setting, where you can give yourself over to the teacher and really practice Being Present, not trying to accomplish, just tracking your feelings and following the object you’re looking at, and having fun – is easier to schedule and more powerful in how it triggers your desire to DO and yet teaches you how to just BE and Express.

Let me know how this helps you…I’m practicing every day, and so we’re doing this together.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on November 23, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    Well, I hate to do this here on a new post, I haven’t tried the drawing exercise yet but I definitely will add it to my repertoire in the future.

    It’s over between me and my husband. He’s Toxic and he’ll never love me the way I deserve to be loved. It looked like he did for a while, but that was an illusion played by my overly hopeful mind–the mind that believed that as long as he was still in the house it wasn’t over. He isn’t going to step up, and told me as much tonight. The differences between us are irreconcilable and why would I even want to reconcile them? The only way I’d ever want to be with him is if we go through the divorce and then he starts spontaneously pursuing me on his own. I’m not holding out much hope for that.

    Without the ring on my finger, I’m going to start acting single effective immediately. That’s how I’ve always taken care of myself; that’s actually how I found my husband, going to online dating sites the night my previous relationship broke up. I felt guilt over dating when we were trying to work things out but I feel no guilt over it now. The divorce isn’t legal but in my heart and mind it’s final. My heart was broken months ago and the healing is almost done now, I’m ready to go out in the world.

    I don’t imagine I’ll have a huge amount of difficulty adapting to Circular Dating at this point. I’ve had time to think about how it would work, plan out how it would work, and now all I have to do is see who else wants to play.

  2.  #2alias girl on November 23, 2008 at 11:47 pm

    your situation sounds very painful for you reshi. i am sorry. i actually feel a little sad. in your heart you can only do what you feel is best for you. i support whatever decision you make. i don’t know how divorce works though with the divison of proerty etc etc and if infidelity as a reason would cause you to shoot yourself in the foot. i honestly know nothing about it. just mentioning it though. bc i want what’s best for you.

  3.  #3alias girl on November 24, 2008 at 12:00 am

    i don’t personally know your husband. and you haven’t written a ton about him but he sounds depressed to me. which is just stuffed down, unprocessed rage. so he may seem toxic and actually be toxic but it could be a result of his depression. i personally could not deal with a depressed person in a romantic relationship. to me it would be like dealing with an addict. there is just so much unconsciousness and lack of accountability. but i could be way off. like i said i don’t your husband at all. just from the little you’ve written that’s the sense i get about him.

  4.  #4Reshi on November 24, 2008 at 3:47 am

    Thanks Alias Girl. To get back on topic, I did just do the drawing thing…and I definitely noticed that I was trying to accomplish something, judging my creation as I was creating it, and DEFINITELY resisting spending time on it…and it also unlocked some more of the feelings of heartbreak that I’ve been processing over the last couple hours. I’m really so angry at my husband, and at myself for ALLOWING him to treat my heart as horribly as he did. I kind of forced him to, really. And now I’m drawing and my shoulders are tense and my throat is hollow and feels awful…and yet I can feel how this slowness, this exercise could help me if I would allow myself to embrace it. If I would allow myself to stop judging myself and beating myself up, because all I’ve been doing is beating myself up, attracting other people to help me beat myself up, and then beating myself up FOR beating myself up. And I want to love myself in this moment even though I’ve just been betrayed by a man who will NEVER see my point of view…and in truth I’ve been betrayed by myself. And I’m furious. I hate this not wanting to spend time on myself, not wanting to look at myself. Why shouldn’t I want to really, truly look at myself? Why shouldn’t I want to examine myself consciously and forgive myself? I want to forgive myself. And that feels like thanking myself for bearing all of it, and it feels like wishing I could cry. That a man could go from a “Forever” kind of commitment to telling me to get out now and he doesn’t care about my well-being anymore…it seems too much to bear and yet here I am, bearing it. I never want to see him again, I care too much about my heart to continue to let it get stomped on as it has been EVERY time I have seen this man for months. Even during the good times it was stomped on. My husband can eat a fat dick.

  5.  #5Sarah on November 24, 2008 at 8:21 am

    Reshi, I agree you should thank yourself because you were there throughout this relationship, you as a whole person were present through all the ups and downs and I think that deserves a big thanks and much gratitude.. best of luck..

  6.  #6Daria on November 24, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Dear Reshi…

    I send love out to you. It sounds like you are going through some very strong feelings and I’m sure you will come out the other side… and I know you will and you know it too… and no matter what the circumstances you will be better stronger and happier. Thank you for sharing.

    I am feeling disappointed again too. I feel grateful that I did not marry this man because of course that would only intensify my feelings which would be scary… and yet so what. I am wallowing. I spent a lot of time with my friend man, spending the night at his house… it was comfortable and warm, I felt tired and it felt calming and relaxing to sleep there. Besides this I did not reach out to him, or him to me. I could be wrong but it seems he only seems sexually attracted to me when I am dressed in nice clothes, not bummy like that night since my arm was recovering from surgery. The bummy look worked on everyone else it seemed, because I was feeling vulnerable and goddessy. Well the next day he went to kick it with his girlfriend, a girl I heard he likes a lot. I do have to admit, I am about 7 levels above where I started with this man, as before something like this which would happen all the time would have sent me into a tailspin of bitterness and despair. This time I feel just disappointment, heavy throughout my shoulders and chest and annoying. Although this disappointment feels annoying , I want to love it. I did propose (said that it would feel good) some kind of sexual stuff with him, but it was just for fun for me. He said that it sounds liek it would feel fun but he didn’t feel well and I said I didn’t feel well either I meant later, which was true. At this point I was feeling good.

    I did not really feel like sleeping with him, although I started to when I was spending the night and had a bad dream in which he rejected me, in my dream I pleased him, then he wouldn’t please me and yelled at me that I need to stop putting him in these positions. Then he put on an expressionless wax mask and wouldn’t speak to me. I cried and begged him to speak to me and said I thought we are friends, please speak to me. He didn’t until one of his younger neices came in the room and he had to take the mask off and talk to her. I woke up feeling rejected, sad and confused, the dream was so realistic and not far from emotions I have truly experienced with him in the past or could imagine experiencing. I wound up feeling disappointed again when he went to kick it with his girlfriend, a girl I heard he likes a lot. I actually told him to dump her and come hang out with me and my other friend (I was being funny) but he said something which hurt… he said She wouldn’t like that… that hurt and it hurts right now. And I am crying. I feel hopeless. I feel like I will never let go of this man. I feel like good things don’t happen to me when I want them. I feel at the bottom of my puddle ocean, in a puddle. I feel like being a bottom feeder fish, and blending into the sand and disappearing. And I want to love myself, but I feel so angry at myself. I feel like I don’t deserve my love and I love that part of me too. I love my shame and my desperation. I want to hack myself to pieces with a giant axe like a psychopath, except I am attacking myself. And I don’t want to beat myself up, but I feel scared feeling this anger toward myself. I want to love my anger towards myself. And that feels like sighing, it feels like why bother voices I am just tired. I want to just accept that I will never be happy and get what I want. All this believing I will get what I want seems like it has been a bunch of bs that feels hard to keep up.

  7.  #7Daria on November 24, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    Dear God, please give me this one man. I just want this one man God and I promise I will never ask for another. I feel silly God and my heart is begging for him and my face is drowning in tears. I know that if I have him I will probably die or something similarly ironic, so that I can’t really have him. I feel so sad and sorry for myself God I don’t want to feel this way. Thank you for listening.

    Thank you to me for expressing myself. Thank you to me for my pain. Thank you for my wonderful tears. Thank you for my honesty. Thank you for my yearning. I love my yearning. It makes me feel altruistic and special, like I am part of something bigger than myself. And a part of me wants to feel this way and feel strong too. And I love them both. A part of me feels disgusted at wanting to feel strong. I feel gross. I feel gross writing right now. I want to love my grossness. I want to love my huge rage, even against myself. I want to love myself. That feels like calming throughout my body, then like grossness and throat choking. I feel weird and I feel embarassed to put these feelings online. I don’t want to write I love myself. A part of me doesn’t want to love myself, and that’s ok. I love that part of me too. I want to tell her that it is ok to love me. But I feel disgusted. It is not ok to love me. It is not ok to love me because no one loves me, because he doesn’t love me and I am not worthy, people only love me for a short time and then they are pushed away. Because I don’t deserve to be loved, because I am gross and icky inside. And that feels like crying, like sobbing too loud almost for the closed office door. I want to love my gross ickyness. I love it and I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for myself to have been born so disgusting and gross and icky that people don’t love me. And I feel gross. I want to get as fast away as possible from me too!!! And I love that part of me too, even though it feels like it’s choking the back of my throat. I feel like inside of me is this gross monster person from the middleages who rapes and tortures people! HA! I bet no one wants to love that! But I do. I do want to love my gross twisted part. Thank you for being here. I love you. And I’m in charge and I will take us to a good feeling place now. And it’s ok. It’s ok for whatever horrible things you did or imagined or did in your past life. I’m sorry you feel gross. I love you. Even though I feel disgusted by you I love you and I am here for you. I want to give you this big hug and tell you I forgive you. And I am sobbing right now because that feels good. I am so proud of you for being so strong and for coming up to be forgiven. I forgive you with all lmy heart. And that feels calming. It feels good. This part of me sometimes looks like the expressionless wax mask that he put on in the dream! Thank you for coming. I did not know you were inside me but I feel glad to have you here. Would you like to help me be more whole? That would feel nice. Thank you mass murderer side of me. I feel scared and gross and I feel glad you are here anyway. That feels like tightness in my stomach. Here is a flower for you. You are so cute smiling at the flower with your wax mask. I LOVE you! I am going to go back up now, but now we are friends, and we are always in touch. Love you and bye!!!

  8.  #8maya on November 24, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    Rori, I was thinking about this post and the fountain tool, and tryig to mix them both in order to ‘forget’ about him by just thinking and focusing on me. We broke up a month ago and I don’t think there’s any way to get us back together as he is ‘toxic man’ (should have written that on capital letters).
    I know he is no good for me, but still mi mind plays this tricks with me, so I am trying to focus on myself, and giving to myself, and receiving from me.
    I have a little more selfsteem now (I hope), and I’ve been trying your selfsteems tools as well, but it’s so difficult!
    Why is it so difficult?

  9.  #9Reshi on November 24, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    Daria, my heart goes out to you. Your situation sounds so similar to mine in that it’s hard to believe that we’ll get what we want. Looking back at all the Riffs I’ve done on wanting healing in my marriage, it’s REALLY hard to believe it.

    Then again, I’ve recently become aware that way deep down inside, I really wanted solitude and freedom MORE than I wanted to save my marriage. And of course I denied that desire, it’s not considered right for a married person to want her freedom. Now I have it and I can’t say I’m thoroughly displeased.

    And part of me doesn’t really want men in my life AT ALL. I really could be happy living on the island of Lesbos with nothing but female company. It’s important, I’ve found, to be in touch with what I REALLY want, not what I SHOULD want. And on some level, saving my marriage was a should-want.

  10.  #10alias girl on November 24, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    i love you all and your brave courageous honesty which WILL carry you through to the doorstep of your fanciful and even simple dreams for yourselves. xoxo!

  11.  #11alias girl on November 24, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    oh am inspired by this post last night i colored in a coloring book while re listening to one of rori’s cds. not exactly the exercise listed but quite nice all the same.

  12.  #12Becca on November 24, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Daria, I think I am understanding how you feel right now. I keep waiting and hoping that my ex will step up and contact me but this doesn’t seem likely. And with Rori’s self esteem tools I feel better but I still feel this ugly icky disappointment and despair creeping around in my mind. I feel that everyone is happy and in love except me. Though I can and do create my own happiness these days, the loneliness still gets to me and I feel so alone. But I do not want other men. Only him. Is even just thinking like this pushing him away without either of us actually knowing it? I feel sad and I start thinking that we will never be together and now I am moving interstate in Feb and it scares me as it seems like I am leaving him behind. But I love myself for going as it will be great for my career and doing this feels like looking out for myself and moving forward and having exciting adventures. But it also feels lonely and scary and unsure. So I try to be grateful and thank myself and be kind and loving to myself, and listen to my feelings. I try to tell myself that if I can make it safe he will remember his love for me and it will work out either long distance or he will come, but this seems so far fetched that I am full of doubt and feel worse. Once upon a time he would have moved interstate for me, with me. Now, he is bearly a part of my life. I do not even know what his life is like now. Opportunity to change things seems so slim that it seems hopeless and I feel hopeless and wonder why it is him that I want and love and why can’t I just move on?
    Thank you girls for listening. My heart goes out to every one of you. Reshi – I feel so sad for you, I really thought things were turning around for you but Alias Girls is right about doing what is best for you. Hugs for everyone


  13.  #13Cassandra on November 24, 2008 at 5:19 pm

    Reshi….I am so sorry that you are hurting in this way. I hate that you have to go through this but you are so strong and courageous. it is hard to see now but you WILL have what you want and be able to enjoy it. You are in my prayers and thoughts and know that there are a whole bunch of ladies here that are thankful for YOU….you COURAGE and your STRENGTH….I am definitely one of them. You are truly an amazing woman to get to where you are and get to the point where you are taking care of YOU no matter what anyone else thinks, feels or says. I so hope that one day I will get there. I relate so much to your situation and often times cry when I read your posts because I totally understand.

    Daria….I cried when I read your post too. YOU too are such an amazing woman. You have also helped me a great deal even though I am still in that extremely dark place. I love how free your riffs are and you have really helped me to get closer to that. Thank you. You deserve nothing but the best….and you all WILL have it one day!

    Alias Girl…thank you so much for your support and know that you are also an inspiration. Thank you for caring and for your encouragement. Right now you guys and this place are literally a rock for me…the one thing that I feel is mine…for ME.

    I do hope that one day I will ‘arrive’ and all of the tools will sink in for me. I think that right now as Rori said I am still in crisis mode and simply trying to survive. Is that why I can’t seem to get out of the pit? Charles is gone right now and that feels good….safe. I am afraid of when he comes back home though..i know he won’t do anything physical but I can’t take anymore degredation – I have that covered thank you. I hate myself for allowing him to treat me the way that he has…I hate myself for not knowing how to take care of me…the real me…even though she is hiding right now part of me deeply hopes that she is in there still. I see a little girl that I have let down to the degree that she may never recover and I hate myself for that as I am the one that let her down…..I can’t say that I love that and I can’t say that I love this dark part of me …..i don’t…..not right now at least.

    I do love you guys and am not sure what I would do without this place right now.
    Love – Cassandra

  14.  #14alias girl on November 24, 2008 at 10:56 pm

    i feel confused. it’s like there are two halves of me. to every strong desire i have , i possess an equally strong desire for the exact opposite. i don’t know how to reconcile with myself. i like being alone. i want to be in a relationship. i want to be in a loving relationship. i don’t want to risk being betrayed.

    i think i send mixed messages to the men in my life. definitely to any poor man who has attempted to love me. i don’t feel like a safe person to love. i don’t feel safe in the world and i don’t feel like i am a safe person for someone to invest their love in. i feel a little sad about that. i feel backed up. i feel already too full. i feel like i need to be spiritually emptied. i feel sad. i feel like a wannabe supasta. no i feel like a real supasta. no i feel like a wannabe. in some ways i feel like both. i want to have good relationships with all people but sick and demented people frighten me. but i want to help them. i want to help people who are hurting and i want to live a really fun life and why am i writing this? bc i don’t have any real relationships in my life. i wish i had a best friend. that would be really fun. i wish i had a guy who was my best friend and we also liked to have sex together and we just happen to be really good with each other like that and also sometimes he spontaneously would say or do these random romantic things like say hey would you like to accompany me on a gondola ride and then he would hold his arm out to help me into the boat and then we would be silly the whole ride instead of being romantic and then i would spontaneously cry bc i was so happy.

  15.  #15Daria on November 25, 2008 at 12:58 am

    Reshi, Alias Girl, Becca and Cassandra thank you for answering. I love you guys… and I don’t have a lot of close women friends right now but you guys rock. I am giving all of us and Rori one big hug where we are like flowers and the hug is a like a ribbon string pulling in the boquet!

    Alias Girl I was reading your comment on another post and wanted to share:
    I briefly (several months) went through the “problem” of wanting things and not knowing how to express wants in the right way. After listening closely to Rori in interviews and I noticed she does express wants… so it’s not a no-no, only when it’s tied in with “pull-down” heavy energy.

    At the same time, you will be vulnerable to him saying no, or not being able or willing to fulfill your want… this is kind of what happened to me the other day.

    I express wants this way: It would feel nice to…, it would feel good to …, it works most of the time! I try to avoid want language and after practicing have it down… I also have relaxed some of the “rules” around expressing my wants although perhaps that is getting me in some more hurtful situations, I am able to deal with them now and am working with being triggered.

    I also felt empowered by Mama Gena’s book in the intro chapter, where she said women should own our wants or desires and speak them freely. However, I would think Rori wouldn’t want us to attach them to a particular man or person fulfilling them. I listened to a testimonial that felt good about how a woman who realized was a Goddess went home and told her husband if he wanted her he would have to court her, and win her back and worship her… and she got what she wanted now!

    Try wants with … it would feel good… or even… I feel weird and scared I won’t get this and It would feel great… Rember it’s about authenticity and not necessarily Getting what you want, because that would be focusing on an outcome which is masculine energy. I am not promising that you will get what you want this way… but who cares because you will be being authentic.

    Sounds like I should read that for myself now…


  16.  #16Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 7:11 am

    Alias Girl…..Sweetheart that is the beauty of YOU…that you have all of these different wants and desires that are at one moment one way and then next minute the opposite. In my opinion that is one of the things that makes each person so individual and beautiful in their wanting what they want, how they want it when they want it. You are free to want whatever it is that you want at ANY given moment and not feel bad about any of it. The things that you want are so beautiful….so good….with such a good heart. I can so deeply relate to how you feel in so many ways….I know that when the RIGHT man….one that treats you as the wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman that you are comes in to your life I think that you will have a peace and just KNOW what you want longterm. I could be wrong but that is just my 2 cents. 🙂

    Daria….thank you for your post. I loved your post and that helped me SO MUCH TOO!!! I struggle with want language vs feel language and am trying to stick with the I feels and the it would feels. Sometimes I still say my I wants or my I don’t wants and I think I have to go back and reread Rori’s section on that….I know I do. Even your post though helped me so much so thanks for that.

    I too am struggling with the close girlfriends issue. I do have 3 close girlfriends that I have known for years and I love them dearly but the one that I stayed with over night last week is married with a 17 year old son and 3 beautiful little girl angels….one 5….one 2 and the baby is 6 months so I do NOT lean on her at all in any situation as her plate is totally full with her family….as it should be. It is also so hard for me to be around her sometimes because I do love her andher family so much and I so deeply want what they have. I AM happy for her but at the same time feel so sad for myself because I am so deeply afraid that I will never have that…..especially now at my age. I am actually feeling guilty about that as she knows that things here are not good and is deeply concerned and I hate that she even knows anything as her plate is so full. The other 2 I talk to pretty regularly but I don’t want to be a burden to them emotionally so while I do share with them to a degree they don’t know everything. I feel so much shame around the situation that I am in and I don’t want to feel that when I talk to them so I don’t REALLY let them know all that is going on….they both want me out of here though as do you guys. I get scared about the best friend thing because even in those type of friendships I always get hurt so I keep people at a distance which is totally MY FAULT but I suppose it is a trigger to protect myself. It does seem though that I always seem to give and give and give and then when I need something there I stand…totally alone and there it is that I get hurt so I don’t allow myself to get too close to other women BUT I feel so sad about that too because I so WANT that kind of friendship. I find it so interesting in that while of course none of us have ever met in person I feel closer to you guys than I do those 3 girlfriends that I have known for years. Perhaps it is not only because you guys are such truly amazing and beautiful women with hearts that extend from here to forever but also because we are all TRULY working on ourselves here….that it REALLY is safe here and that each of you truly and honestly DO support one another. I have thought that to myself so often and your post and Alias Girl’s post opened the door for this one. I cannot tell you how important this place is for me and how important each one of you are to me and how much each of you have helped me SO MUCH. I feel so isolated….and the reality is that I am but you guys give me a place where I truly feel safe…that I can be me and still be loved…. am crying right now because I am so thankful to have you guys….and this place. I really do love you guys and when someone has a breakthrough it gives me so much joy to celebrate that for you. Sorry to go on and on. 🙂 YOU GUYS ROCK!!! Oh and Daria…I LOVED what you said about the huge hug where we are all flowers and … “where we are like flowers and the hug is a like a ribbon string pulling in the boquet!” That is so beautiful and I will carry that image with me! I loved that! Thanks for that awesome gift! So much love to each of you and of course I send that big huge flower hug!

  17.  #17Caj13 on November 25, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    A lot of us are feeling confusion – the pieces just don’t seem to fit. If this is so, how can that be? A friend pointed out that confusion is often really resistance – resistance to allowing ourselves to know what we know (for me, “knowing” is when I both think and feel something to be true). The confusion creates a veil, a fog to keep us from seeing what is there. The brain will be tricked and proceed logically, thinking: if the missing piece is this, then …(it’s over), but if the missing bit is that, then ….(he must still love me)..etc. We are confused by all the contradictions and cannot possibly know which scenario is right. When we allow our feelings to be felt, they can see right through the misty netting to the truth. But why resist the truth? Because we know that once it’s perceived, it must be accepted – no more baseless hopes, and this can be quite terrifying, thinking we’ve lost our base. But thinking was only half the story. Through feeling, we see the truth clearly and can know that our real foundation is there to anchor and support us.

    Cassandra – I’m feeling your isolation from real people, and thinking it may not be easy for you to get a personal therapist (expense or long delays). This might seem crazy at first , but I wonder if through a church or other community service organization it wouldn’t be easier to find pre-marital counseling (it’s common in marriage counseling that only one spouse will go, so that may be the case here, too)? Whaaa ? ? This would not be about Charles (unless you decide you do want to keep that option open). It would be about helping you in what is supposed to be a pre-marital situation, and getting some support from that source or referrals to other resources better adapted to your needs.

    Yes, Daria’s bouquet is fantastic, I can smell it from here, the ribbon ends floating out over the ocean.

  18.  #18Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    Caj….that is a great idea. Thank you for that! I am actually seeing a wonderufl Christian counselor but I have not gone in quite a while. She is great but said some things that I was kind of uncomfortable with…i am not sure if that was me in denial or that perhaps what she was saying was indeed true and it made me mad? Who knows but i have not been back for a little while. I do like her though and at one point, I was doing really well. I will go see her again but can’t get in until next week. She is not at all open to even hearing me say that I may want to keep the door open for my relationship with Charles to get better and that is kind of hard for me. I need to come to whatever conclusion I come to without judgement but she is definitely against it but I also understand that she is looking out for ME and I appreciate that from her so I am still going to see her again prbably next week sometime. I loved you idea though about the pre-marital counseling. I will say this…if Charles and I were to work things out which he says that he wants to do and part of me is REALLY happy about that I would NEVER marry him until we went to pre-marital counseling and couples counseling to get some things worked out BEFORE we got married. Honestly though…I know that I do still love him but I am not sure that even if he made staggering changes for the good….for him and for us and stayed in that great place for a long time I am not sure I could ever trust him again after all that he has done. I don’t think that I could live that way although part of me does still want him and for things to work out with us..,..this is where the counseling for ME comes in!

    BTW…I loved what you wrote about confusion….very true and right on!
    Love and that big flower hug to all….

  19.  #19alias girl on November 25, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    yes daria that is helpful also thank you. the more i am excavating and getting to me true feelings in each moment the more clear my desires are to me. i am thinking i want to use the words i want. I want. i would like. i want a man who brings me flowers. no that sounds horrible. i would totally recoil if a man said i want a woman who wears high heels. ugh. i would tell him to go find her then. hmmm. i see the drawback of using the word want. it sounds a little demanding. i feel very drawn to ride the ferris wheel. what do you think? oh you don’t want to? well i feel very excited the more i think about it. i feel bad leaving you alone. what do you think? oh you don’t want to. i feel compelled to do it. would you mind if i wnet alone? what do you think?

    i wouldn’t say the alone part unless i really wanted to ride it alone though. (ie the gondolas in italy when who knows the nest time i’m going to get to do that so sorry but i need to take care of things for myself here.)

    i feel very drawn to dot dot dot

    what about the flower situation though? i feel very mushy when people bring me flowers. i feel very excitied and alive and grateful. hmmm. all tru but not quite right. i feel secretly ecstatic inside when people bring me flowers. i mean i buy them often for myself but it’s just not the same. i love looking at them for the rest of the week. ok that last bit is kind of close. i just need to practice like rori says. practice and choose my words and apeak the truth.

    thank you all you beautifulladies for being your fab selves. it is fun that we are all learning this together. I can’t wait to go on some real dates again. soon. soon.

  20.  #20alias girl on November 25, 2008 at 11:02 pm

    i feel ick. horrible. stuck scared paralyzed. i feel scared. i feel paralyzed. i feel like i am captured in an enemy war camp and am afraid to move. i feel slike my body is electrified but i am stuck. i feel grateful i am safe in my apt and in my cozy bed with clean sheets in my pretty bedroom. i feel a crinkly forehead and tear of gratitude. i feel scared. i feel like my body ad energy but it is being short circuited and i can’t use my energy. i feel like my heart hurts. i feel like my head is too big and my eyes are holes that are intense and they hurt. i feel scared. like a deer hiding behind a tree knowing that if i move i will be shot dead. i feel tears and a breath of release. i feel sobbing and tears. i feel confused. i don’t know why i am crying. i feel release. i feel tight inside my head all around my brain. i feel a scared vagina. i feel scared. i think it’s sweet that there are wet tear marks on my sheets. i feel like i realeased some energy but i don’t understand it. i feel better though. i feel a big breath of relief. i feel the need to go blow my nose. i feel grateful for this blog . even if i do overcomment on iy.

  21.  #21Cassandra on November 26, 2008 at 7:22 am

    Alias Girl…..I wish I could give you a huge hug for real and not just here. You are wonderful, amazing and beautiful. I don’t hink that you over comment here at all. I have learned alot from you and the others here and I think I can confidently say that I am not the only one. hang in there love….you will make it thru the ick and get to the happy light feelings. XOXO
    Love and a huge hug….

  22.  #22alias girl on November 26, 2008 at 9:35 am

    thank you cassandra. i hope you are feeling better. 🙂

    so i am still considering how to let a man know that i require romance. it truly is a requirment a(i think. maybe if i had a man coming at me with loving tenderness and commitment and cooperation i would be willing to forgo the romance.i don’t think so though. i think i would resent my decision to sell myself short.) i feel guilty for wanting romance. here i have zero men clamoring for me and now i’m making this new requiremnet for romance? some people don’t have all their limbs. and i want romance? YES i do. i am sorry for all the suffering in the world but surely it doesn’t help anyone for me to stoop low and suffer along with them. i want romance. in one of rori’s earlier psots she said the best thing a woman can do is speak. clearly about what she wants what she doesn’t want. so i am back to thinking if i say i want to ride the ferris wheel it is ok. i want a relationship that involves romance. i do not want to make a commitment to a relationship that does not have romance. period. that sounds fine to me. i’m wondering now what all the fuss was about. maybe like daria said not to attach heavy emotions to it . and be willing to accept no for an answer. but since it is a requirement for me then his no would equal my no as well. no heavy drama attached. just the simple truth.

    i feel scared i will neverlet anybody in. i am so uncomfortable with closeness and my ability to walk away is just too fierce. 🙁 maybe baby steps towards receivng like rori says. baby steps towards closeness. i mean the guy doesn’t need to move in tomorrow. i miss my ex. my ex that offered my friendship no romance. it’s a no deal. i just feel lonely. but i felt worse in that situation which is why i left it. ok new day today. i could meet three new men before the day is over. !

  23.  #23Rori Raye on November 26, 2008 at 11:46 am

    I’ve answered this about Romance in a post…great topic, and I know we can come up with something that will help us all. Love, Rori

  24.  #24alias girl on November 26, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    i feel strong. i feel confident and strong. i chose not to respond to the insanity in my workplace today. it is futile to rationalize or try to respond logically to insanity. as much as i want to have a voice for myself i realize my boss just thrives on conflict. he will twist and turn things that make no sense. he will try to threaten you with your job. he will insult you.

    today i just refuse to respond. it feels like i am letting myself down when in reality i am taking care of myself. i can not have a conversation with INSANITY. seriously. you wouldn’t try to have a conversation with someone in an insane asylum and try to explain why your behavior was actually GODD INTENTIONED. no you would not defend your pride or reputatuion or intentions or job performance or anything to a CRAZY person. you would just process the feelings being triggered (family issues) and then try to have some compassion for MR. CRAZY. ah i feel better. i feel like the adult here. i am in charge of my responses. i feel taken care of. i feel stronger. i feel healthier. it feels airy in my body. like a spring breeze through an open window with a white curtain flowing. i also feel a little smug. hah. take that MR CRAZY. AS HE’s just chewing on the bit for a conflict. bc he is one of those people who can’t feel. poor guy. how ironic. my worst enemy has the very affliction i would wish on my worse enemy. i am not a real person to him ah, yes. my boss is a TOXIC MAN. of course. i thank the holy heavens that i only attracted it in my shitty job that means little to me and not in a marriage. i can learn what i need to learn this way and not have to completely break my sensitive heart. i feel sooooo much better. so much calmer. omg omg omg. thank god for this secret space i found to express my feelings and still be witnessed yet it’s safe. omg thank god.

  25.  #25Daria on November 26, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    Hi Alias Girl…
    today is my last day at my job!

    which didn’t want to give me a raise (company policy about little company stuff) despite how much effort and success I’ve had teaching the kids – which is what I care about.

    So I am off on my own jobless!! YAY! I am going to finish setting up my company now… I am going to have more time for my dance classes, hanging out, and dating…

    And I am going to still pay my bills – I Bet! I Bet on ME!


  26.  #26alias girl on November 26, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    it makes me sad to think the only way i can deal with a crazy person is to not deal with them. i feel like i should be able to bring them around somehow.but when people f with me i just want to wipe my hands of them. when it comes to MY personal loss i tend to lose compassion for them. esp if it is a relationship i feel i have contributed to in a positive way. i guess today was a baby step the teeniest tiniest of baby steps in not engaging or taking things personal but i have to admit INSANITY triggers me. esp when i feel trapped and can’t have a voice. i feel my situation with my job is similar to some of the women on here who are in an abusive relationship with a man. i feel sort of trapped and i used to blame myself or think if i just did something the Right thing then everything would be ok. which is me reliving my childhood trauma.

    and in the past it had severly affected my self esteem. esp when i REACTED back in a way that was undignified. or if i bought into the lies i was being fed. and it was circular bc then i would get depressed and think i COULDN’t get another job. bc i felt so unenergized and had all this unprocessed rage and also with unprocessed feelings i lose clarity.

    today i feel like i have a little more clairty about the sickness that pervades my place of employment.i just kept grounding myself and touching physical onjects and saying things like what if it’s good to feel good aand imagining the air around me enveloping me in love and protection and right action. just trying to use as many of rori’s tools as i could thikn of. it’s good to have a stock of rori tools in your toolbelt. that way you can conquer any demon that comes at you and end up coming out feeling POWERFULAND IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. or in love with myself i should say.

    somepeople theorize that your entire outside reality is created by you. that makes me feel sad and disappointed. that i would create pres bush and wars and killing and terible bosses and lonely nights and holidays. and bad families. why would i do that to myself.? why? and how to i heal all that?

  27.  #27alias girl on November 26, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    hey daria that’s great! your psot wasn’t posted wheni wrote mylast post. sometimes they don’t show up til later. but wow good for you. i feel so scared to leave. i mean it’s not like years ago when i felt i couldn’t. now it feels like unless it’s more money or better situation then i can just stay and become a mega firece WARRIOR when it comes to delaing with crazy and politics. in some ways i alomsot think i am meant to be there. it’s like bootcamp to become really dignified and also to learn extremely effectice communication and boundaries and also i get to constantly be triggered on unreslolved family issues. plus it’s like an artists scholarship bc it affords me time to work on my art.

    but i can’t wait til i make that step into freedom like you did. toxic environemtns are toxic environments no matter how much benefit i reap from them. but still the world is kind oof like a toxic environment so i fear i may not really find anything better unless they are environemnts i create myself. i don’t know. i feel a little sad about the whole thing.

    but i am excited about your new adventure! sometimes things happen to push us along. maybe this happened so you would be motivated to start your business. YES YOU CAN!!!

  28.  #28alias girl on November 26, 2008 at 5:16 pm

    sometimes i feel toxic. like i am the toxic one. bc no matter how i am reacting on the inside when someone f’s with me i hate them inside. i feel rage and hate and toxic and vengeful. even if i am acting with boundaires and clear communication on the outside. when i feel toxic it makes me feel bad about myself and makes me start belieiving it is my fault to begin with. i went over this situation and it is so lame. it is just other people’s lameness and sickness and me asking a question. A NORMAL RATIONAL NEEDED TO BE ASKED TO DO MY JOB PROPELRY QUESTION. wtf. i feel toxic. i feel sick. i feel i am creating a sick environemtn and sick world and bad family and it is all my fault. like when reshi was talking about her past lives. i fel like everything bad is my fault and if i were just more evolved or like jesus then everything would be good and light. i feel like the crazy one now. i feel extremely confused and it feels like my impossible freaking childhood and i couldn’t cope with the insanity so i just numbed out. i feel confused. i feel toxic on this blog. i feel like just toxic. i feel angry. i feel confused like i am in a sandstorm and i can’t see and there are no maps and no one to help me and i could step on a landmine and get blown to bits. adn i feel intense in the front of my forehead. i feel like i just want to hide for a thousand years until someone else solves these problems of my world. i feel grateful. i feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride. and i actually really like rollercoasters. i feel shinier. i feel proud that my turnaround time on felling bad to good was pretty good. quick. i feel excited EXCITED to read rori’s posts about romance and health and nutrition and hormones and any other yummy post she’s going to post. hah. 🙂

  29.  #29Reshi on November 26, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    Here’s to new jobs! I start one next week. I figure now’s a great time to make drastic changes in all areas of my life, and if the new job doesn’t work out I can go back to the old one…and I have a couple other projects in the pipeline too so it’s a win-win. I’m very far away from wanting to think about men, I started to ignore my online manwhores. They are all kind of distant anyway, scared of any kind of real connection…and that’s great because I don’t want a real connection with them. I’m bored by men who aren’t as smart as I am and I hate to say it, but that’s MOST men…I spent so many years playing dumb because I was scared of my own intellect and the whole “to whom much is given, much is expected” deal…NO MORE. I’m going to f’n USE my intelligence to make my dreams come true–my masculine intelligence for my career, and my feminine intelligence for romance. I’m THROUGH with fake jobs and playing second fiddle.

    Cassandra–what you said about only feeling safe when Charles ISN’T around–I felt the same way around my husband for the last few years. I just didn’t feel safe with him, even when he said he loved me, there was too much anger. And in my case I don’t even know if I had a REASON to feel unsafe, or if that was a carry-over from my father or old relationships.

    Alias Girl, just because there are zero guys right now doesn’t mean Mr. Right can’t just walk in the door tomorrow. Sometimes they just come out of nowhere! We don’t have to make it happen or worry over whether it’ll happen.

  30.  #30alias girl on November 27, 2008 at 12:23 am

    thnaks reshi. and i read your gratitude post too. seven years is pretty great. you seem lucky through my eyes. i can’t seem to really get past a year with a guy and even that is rare And it’s not even Real relationships.

    i am just weepy all night. you think i posted have a book on rori’s blog well i journalled just as much away from the blog. just so much coming up for me. i don’t even know why. i feel ok though. maybe a little over it. like ok i get poor alias girl crappy childhood lonely life oh ok. i wouldn’t mind not being so triggered by ugly unconscious people. you know if i had the proper perspective. like these people are Unconscious. they are totally not in touch with what they are doing. living from the outside in as i like to say.

    anyway. i feel grateful too. i feel grateful for being who i am and just the all of it. the unexpected. and yes. reshi the guy i haven’t even met yet that will make the boymen or girlmen fade fast in my memory. my mind keep dregging the old ones back up bc it has no one and i want to love and feel that fun thing between a man and woman. (or menmen womenwomen whatever no discrimination).

    i feel soft. i feel strong. i love myself and all my foibles and weepiness and melodrmam and being triggered. i love my past. i actually specially requested my past and the universe was so generous it complied. i love my blech boss who i have cast as my villian and i willl heroically overcome and leave him in the dust of my glory. i feel soft and open. like soft clean gras you want to take a nap on.

  31.  #31Glenny on December 2, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Hi there, just wanted to mention, I liked this post. It was helpful. Keep on posting!