Ask And It Is Given

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soupLaughing Goddess wrote us a comment here that brought up one of my favorite books, Ask And It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. And without going too deep into it…it focuses on the idea of “raising your vibration” — which has sung to several of my clients and healed their entire lives.

One of the things in the book, though, I’ve totally changed for my own work….and it’s the piece that Laughing Goddess brought up…so I thought I’d talk about it a bit…

It’s the idea of our emotions on a scale, from lowest to highest. Hanging around the bottom are feelings like despair, hopelessness, anger…and at the top are bliss, joy…all the good stuff.

What I love about this scale is that it has anger above depression – and that alone is worth the price of admission.

This is why anger is so much better than being in a funk – it gets your blood going, it gets you out of bed, it gets you up and writing an angry letter or calling a friend and venting on her shoulder (if you’re lucky enough to have such a good friend).

But here’s the problem with that scale: if you’re hovering somewhere at the bottom of that scale right at this minute, and looking longingly upward at the happier parts of the scale…it’s simply not possible to not “judge” where you’re actually at at this moment. If you want to go “higher” on the scale, but are at “anger” or “frustration,” or “hopelessness” – then you’ll WANT to move UP — and that can really get in your way.

If you’re like me, you tend to put a “brave face” on things when you’re low and pretend to be “okay.” Then you get back home, feel exhausted, unheard, disconnected, inauthentic and totally worse than before.

That’s why I prefer the image of the “Soup” — where it’s all in there together. All the emotions floating in the same soup at the same time, touching each other, dancing and spinning and calling to you…

If you sink down into the soup – and you can allow yourself to touch one emotion, really touch it, you can touch them all…and if you can’t touch one…you can’t really touch any of them.

This way – the way of the Soup – the emotions aren’t “rated.” They aren’t even “labeled” good or bad. The only thing that counts is how they feel to you — and THAT you can feel them fully.

For me…the prime directive is to FEEL what you feel…and for me…just like how I believe that standard “affirmations” don’t work — if you see these things on a “scale” – it’s going to make you instinctively give where you ARE short shrift. I want you to give where you are your FULL ATTENTION. Sink into it. (Another reason I love the image of the Soup…you can sink into it.)

The only scale I like – the one I made up – is the “happiness” level one I put in my Reconnect Your Relationship program…where you find your “normal” and then find yourself at a “new normal” without effort..without having worked to climb up at all. For me…that just increases your motivation to keep sinking…since you can’t “climb.” You just sort of “show up” at a higher happiness set-point – it’s not something you can “work” to achieve.

What I love about the Abraham scale, though, is that it agrees with me on how these feelings are rated – how some are at the bottom and some are at the top – and that’s this: they’re rated by how GOOD or how BAD they FEEL to you.

And as you work your way up the scale, you find your way simply by following what FEELS GOOD.

But still, I object to the “accomplishment” quality of a scale. I know that I – as an overachiever — can easily put my feelings aside and just aim for the higher rungs of the scale!

And I don’t want you to do that. I want you to know that you have to be able to fully touch and feel grief and guilt and envy and terror in your Soup in order to have the capacity and the fearlessness to touch joy and bliss. It’s all in there anyway. It’s just where you HANG OUT that counts!!!

Usually, we hang out near the emotions we’re most AFRAID of. We swim around in the Soup and are so captivated by the lure of “ugly” feelings like guilt and fear and panic and despair and anger, especially…but can’t really go INTO them. We just hang around them, inspecting them, peeking at them, mostly immersed in our fear of them. We can’t let go of them, because we’re afraid of what would happen if we weren’t keeping an eye on them all the time.

We end up being vigilant around the feelings we don’t want to feel. We pretty much cut ourselves off from all the great emotions by cutting ourselves off from all the crappy-feeling emotions we want nothing to do with. We want to scamper up that scale…and skip the rungs we don’t like.

But it doesn’t work that way.

Once you’ve fully touched and experienced and made peace with the worst-feeling feelings…then you can skip around all you want to! You can hang out with the good-feeling feelings forever!

Because you’ll be done feeling afraid of the icky ones. You’ll be done feeling afraid of what out there in the world might trigger those icky feelings. You’ll start to trust yourself and your nose for the good feelings.

So…let me know what works for you…and here’s to feeling the good stuff!

Love, Rori

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173 Comments

  1.  #1Jennifer F on October 7, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    WOW… this totally spoke to me today of all days. I have been in a funk… a terrible angery, jealous, confused, hurt, rejected and neglected funk for the last couple of days and I realized something on my way to work. I don’t trust him… and not trusting him causes me to feel all of the terrible feelings I just mentioned. I, of course don’t like feeling that way… and I keep telling myself to “just let it go” and I push those feelings away and try to put on a happy face, or think about something else… but the more I try to NOT feel it, not think about it, not deal with it.. the more it sticks around, glued to me… like hair gel you try to get off your fingers, and it won’t come off no matter how much you run it through your hair, or wipe it on your towel… it’s just sticks on you till you wash it off with hot water…. Wait…. I am going somewhere with this… That’s what I need to do.. is wash it off with hot water (other emotions) I need to be happy that I have finally acknowlege why I feel the way that I do, that I will ALLOW myself to feel these emotions, to sink into the soup, and hopefully find acceptance along with peace of mind. Thanks Rori!



  2.  #2Amanda on October 7, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    “We end up being vigilant around the feelings we don’t want to feel. We pretty much cut ourselves off from all the great emotions by cutting ourselves off from all the crappy-feeling emotions we want nothing to do with. We want to scamper up that scale…and skip the rungs we don’t like.

    But it doesn’t work that way.

    Once you’ve fully touched and experienced and made peace with the worst-feeling feelings…then you can skip around all you want to! You can hang out with the good-feeling feelings forever!”

    This really spoke to me. For a long time, I had thought I was completely past some painful things that happened in the past between my current boyfriend and I.

    Only recently was I really able to understand exactly where I was ‘on the scale’ in regards to those events, and I’m happy to say that I am now truly at a good place. My boyfriend and I are also at a fantastic place.

    I finally feel like I’ve moved on from those dark moments of the past, and for the first time in a long time, I feel really loved and at peace.

    Your posts and newsletters have also helped me tremendously. For that, I thank you.



  3.  #3janjune on October 7, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Rori-
    i feel understanding of soup and emotions and being afraid of being triggered out in the world by the icky ones.
    i feel a little bit of peace with them.
    i feel some acceptance of them as valid and uselful.
    I feel desire for them as they point the way to what we DON’T want.
    I now feel they are very very useful.
    I feel wondering of what we would do without them.
    I feel protected by them.
    I feel they are my Protector.
    I used to wonder why Daria would say I love my _______ (icky feeling) but they are guiding us TOWARD what feels good to us and away from what would not be helpful, sane, safe and so forth.
    Yes! I get it now. Soup! All good!
    janjune



  4.  #4janjune on October 7, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    i can see what rori means about letting THEM come to US, they are the only ones who know if they are vibeing with us, have the courage to take a goddess on rather than a crumb taker, have the fortitude for it, the confidence, the depth for it. Just because they smile and look and talk to us doesn’t mean they can handle it (being wth a goddess). They know if they can handle it or not. I’m going to trust their decision.
    janjune



  5.  #5janjune on October 7, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    oops, meant to post the above comment on the post before this one.
    jj



  6.  #6Angeline on October 7, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    I feel very loving of Rori and her message reading this. I feel loving of all my girlfriends and all the people who support me. I feel a gentle ease of relaxing into the moment. I feel peace and flow.

    Today I’ve been feeling such an odd energy, it feels like anxiety, listlessness, a bit crazy, and it doesn’t quite feel grounded in me. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m feeling an emotion that’s mine or some weird energy that I somehow picked up.

    Do I need a tin foil hat or am I just empathic? Or does it all belong in the Soup? Is this where I need to have better boundaries? Am I just confusing things and getting thinky?



  7.  #7Simply Shannon on October 7, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    I am swimming in my soup right now. Touching pure rage, holding it in my hand, looking at it from all angles. I’m also touching jealousy and envy. I feel comforted by all the emotions touching me right now. They swirl around me. Some sting when they go by but I know they’re just trying to get my attention. I needed this post today, right this very second.

    IMO, Rage is definitely better than depression. I felt relieved when I read anger was “higher” so yeah, the soup image works better for me. Otherwise I would be moving out of my rage immediately into something “better”. I get it. Thank you Rori.



  8.  #8Heather on October 7, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    The Soup … this is really true.
    I have read Ask and It Is Given.. a nice and very hard to understand book for me! I’ve asked and I sometimes receive what I ask for, except for the one thing that I really want that just seems to elude me…

    After a month or so of feeling really up, active, tonight I find myself feeling really sad, angry and alone. Almost to the point of a meltdown. I going to go through this meltdown.

    Right now I am having this feeling “why do I seem to choose men who do not want commitment with me” running through my head. It’s a horrible thought to have. It’s how I feel right now. I know this feeling will pass, I want it to.

    I want so much more than this. Thanks for posting this, it is a reminder to me.



  9.  #9Simply Shannon on October 7, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Forgot to subscribe…



  10.  #10UrbanUnderground on October 7, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    You are no better than a male pickup guru.

    Down with relationship coaches. Down with pickup coaches.

    EndPUA.com



  11.  #11Daria on October 8, 2009 at 2:43 am

    Ex boyfriend that use to be emotionally abusive “fell in love” with me two years ago or maybe before, althought I didnt believe it because he was so toxic. Well he still loves me and is not so toxic now. Very cool i feel teary. I felt good with him really good with him today.



  12.  #12Daria on October 8, 2009 at 2:49 am

    He just keeps telling me he loves me, now he wants to marry me, asks me can I see myself marrying a man like him, wants to create a stable base for himself and us. Wants to see me loves me “I know I can marry you because I’ve known you for so long I can see myself being with you long term”

    Wow God. Thanks. Definitely a shocker. Glad to receive what I asked for even though it feels incredible ie hard to believe but I believe it thanks.

    He likes what I’m wearing he likes what I’m doing. He likes talking to me, he likes everything. lol.



  13.  #13Daria on October 8, 2009 at 2:51 am

    Men can change. Ie transform. As long as we don’t try to control them or attach to them.

    This man has TRANSFORMED.

    wowzers



  14.  #14Daria on October 8, 2009 at 2:54 am

    Thanks for the magical extra 200 dollars in my account since yesterday. It feels safer to have a balance over 300. More would feel good please. Thank you. It would feel great to have a balance over 2000 dollars in checking. Thank you!



  15.  #15Daria on October 8, 2009 at 2:55 am

    It would also feel great to have great feeling orgasms. And awesome exciting feeling sex. And sex “stuff” you know what I mean 😉 THANKS!!!

    LOVE YA GOD!



  16.  #16Daria on October 8, 2009 at 3:00 am

    Also I would like my boobs to feel good when touched thank you! And it would feel fun to learn to circulate sexual energy.

    And I would like to naturally and effortlessly find myself dancing stretching brushing my skin and exercising in a way that feels good and that feels like what I want to have accomplished too, so that I can feel surprised and amazed that I do these things I want to do easily and FUN. Fun and easy like… checking the blog. Thanks!!!

    RIght on!

    you ROCK BTW!!

    right on right on!

    Nite nite!



  17.  #17Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:04 am

    My soup of feelings feels really thick, everything is kinda stuck together. No real distinct taste of any feeling I picked out. well this one I can taste is more like a boy energy judgmental “oh no you dint” attitude. Anything these guys say to me is just annoying the hell out of me. I feel triggered , I ask questions, they answer, I feel triggered. Warm and fuzzy even annoyed me. He said something during our brief conversation that triggered me. blah. I feel turned off right now with all these men. Just totally turned off. I feel happy to be alone right now , just me and my fabulous spag and sauce I made from my garden, I feel stuffed , my belly hurts lol. I got a pot of sauce out of my first tomato garden and that feels good to me. Mister “your the one” said oh can you imagine making your tomato garden here? I said no, I cant. He ruined my good tomato thoughts. I felt annoyed, because, I felt that my life was so insignificant here that I would just pull up and move across the country , I feel pissed off really. I can place bets that none of these men is my “forever” man. I will go on my dates though. I guess I am in funk soup, funky milenge, i think is how its spelled its french for funky mix. So funk soup, it is.



  18.  #18Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:11 am

    Why did you have to call me three times to see if were still on for sunday, I feel bugged, your bugging me. you man , mystery man “lets eat somewhere discreet” sheesh. should I wear sunglasses and a hat?. If I flipped you the finger, what would that tell you buddy? huh. He read my body language and is convinced I “want him” lol. I was practicing rori raye tools dumbass.



  19.  #19Tracy on October 8, 2009 at 3:12 am

    Daria……totally over the moon for you…..you go gal…..
    I think that the goddess in you is clearly coming to light and everyone can see it….I feel really happy for you….Hugs…



  20.  #20Tracy on October 8, 2009 at 3:16 am

    I am really starting to feel my anger and acknowledging it….I feel afraid sometimes to express my icky feelings and i feel afraid of what others might think of me….
    I am learning to express it and express myself through my anger….
    I totally love this post and especially the fact that it reminds me to love all my feelings and to express my real self at all times….to follow through what is going on inside of me…the good and the bad…
    I remember how i used to stuff every bad feeling i had…as though it was not me…and i even hated myself for feeling bad…and the more i ran away from my bad feelings the more i felt bad….
    I still have my bad feeling days but i am learning not be afraid of them…i embrace and welcome them and i feel more confident that i can use these special moments to learn more about me and push myself up to more joyful moments…thanks Rori…



  21.  #21Tracy on October 8, 2009 at 3:22 am

    Heather,
    I can resonate with your question…..and amazing enough….whenever i have these thoughts going on in my head…that feeling of loneliness and frustration comes along with it…and i feel fear and uncertain about my future….
    The commitment guy has been evasive for me as well….
    Recently i had two of my EX refer to me as FRIEND and i just flipped……I felt anger and betrayal and i wondered why in the hell i kept giving the impression i was just a friend while they ran along and married someone else….and still wanted to tag me along as their best friend….I feel resentful and angry for creating this impression….I don’t want to repeat this situation in my life again….
    I want love and affection and attention…..
    I know that i gave the impression that i didn’t deserve more but i feel that my vibe has changed and in fact….i don’t intend to maintain any male FRIENDS at the moment…i choose to attract genuine love and companionship….If i can make a good friend…hell i can make a good companion as well….



  22.  #22Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:28 am

    I feel like fighting with all these guys lol. I feel like opening my mouth and letting it all come out non stop. I feel tense and argumenative. My soup is all fucked up. bad soup. I cant toss my soup out, its in my vagina lol. my lower chakras. oh crap mr. discrete just sent me a message hold on. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! He is “available” his green light is on , my green light is on, yet he sends me an email. ok whatever. This is bugging me lol. why do you do this mr, discreet? I want to ask him but its considered “boy energy” thing to do or masculine. blah.
    I wont ask.



  23.  #23Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:36 am

    When I wake up this afternoon, I’ll go hang out somewhere. I learned a new song, “help me make it through the night by sammi smith. woohoooo. I should be rockstar ready by tonight.



  24.  #24Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:37 am

    I’m going to sing it right now lol. I ve been practicing for a few days now. I dooooooooooont care whooooooos riiiiiight or wroooooonge



  25.  #25Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:48 am

    Leeeeeeet the Deeeeeeeeeevil take tomoroooooooow, cause tooooooonighhhhhht IIIIIIII neeeeeeeeeed a friend. hehe. I love it! I”m singing doing the backstroke in my funky soup.



  26.  #26Tina on October 8, 2009 at 4:22 am

    I’m doing this exercise and I can evoke these emotions , guilt shame, fear , anger, happy, playful, and the varying degrees of all these emotions plus more. I was feeling resistant and stuck earlier, now I feel kinda good. raising my vibration. this could be pms also. I cant toss out my vagina and make new soup , I’ll just have to deal with it. this is def a better space than feeling resistant and stuck.



  27.  #27Aldonza on October 8, 2009 at 6:01 am

    @Tina
    Why does your man want to be discreet? That’s a big red flag in my book. If you can’t be seen by everybody with me…then you shouldn’t be with me. I don’t want to be hidden.



  28.  #28Mary Ann on October 8, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Janjune..
    I love how you put to words the things I am starting to see but haven’t yet articulated..thanks so much!



  29.  #29laughing goddess on October 8, 2009 at 9:29 am

    I feel happy to read this post. It feels interesting to expand ideas and make them work for us. I feel a little protective of my beloved Abraham because they have helped me so much. I also feel understanding of the point Rori is making about the scale. I feel understanding because I think Abraham and Rori are basically teaching the same thing. I feel curious if maybe Abe’s approach is masculine and Rori’s feminine. I feel a little annoyed with myself because I wonder if I am trying to justify something that isn’t really necessary to justify. I feel silly. I feel okay with myself. I feel happy to be gaining deeper understanding through exploration. I feel open. I feel accepting of myself and others. I feel grateful for all the amazing teachers I have encountered in my life. I feel proud of myself for being open to learning and evolving. I feel ecstactic that my only work is to feel my feelings and look for better feeling thoughts. I feel relief. Life feels easy to me. Happiness feels inevitable. I feel like I am on the right track. I love the little girl in me. I love her playful, loving spirit. I feel like caring for her. I feel loving and excited for the adventures that await me today.

    I feel excited to share an experience of asking and getting that I had yesterday. I lost my journal a week ago and I was feeling very disturbed by that. I felt scared that someone I knew would find it. It feels very personal to me because I usually only write in it when I am feeling very disturbed. I felt afraid someone would find it and know all my deepest darkest thoughts. I felt afraid they would think I was nutso. So, yesterday I had a few moments and I said “Abraham, I want to find that journal today, safe and sound, with noone having read it” with convinction and belief that I would. Then I started looking around my house for it which I had already done several times before, and miraculously I found it within less than two minutes. I felt soooooo relieved. I felt much more trusting and confident in my ability to work with the universe to create what I want. I felt awesome!



  30.  #30laughing goddess on October 8, 2009 at 9:35 am

    Daria:

    I feel thrilled and inspired to hear about your ex. I feel happy for you and hopeful for me. I feel loving of you. I feel happy that you are getting what you deserve and have been wanting. I feel hopeful for myself. I feel very very happy and hopeful and elated and dancing.

    I feel love for you and me and Rori and all of the beautiful goddesses here. I feel so grateful to have this forum to share. I feel the opposite of alone. I feel excited and passionate and motivated. I really love my passionate self.



  31.  #31laughing goddess on October 8, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I feel really excited about life right now.

    I just realized that when I post here, I often am melting into to soup. I am just expressing my feelings in the moment and they jump around from “good” to “bad” to “good” again. I just say whatever is real for me right then. When I follow those feelings, I usually end up feeling good regardless of how many bad feelings I have expressed. I almost always end with good feeling thoughts and they are genuine. I feel getting of what Rori was communicating because I can see how it applies in my reality. I feel so much more understanding of the way my mind works. I feel understanding that sometimes I don’t get words or ideas until I can see practical application in my own reality. I feel a little annoyed and judgemental of myself for that but I also feel interested and excited to understand how I work.

    I feel flowing. I feel flowing because I am following my feelings. Floooowing. I feel feminine. I feel like I want to do this all the time. Just flow with my feelings, love on my animal and people friends, and have lots and lots sex and intimate moments. That’s all I feel like doing. 🙂

    I feel late for work.



  32.  #32Nikita on October 8, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Daria!

    Yay! You are so totally desired, I love it!
    I feel good witnessing transformations. I feel so much better holding that idea.

    Janjune,

    I love reading your stuff, it helps me find my feelings.



  33.  #33gina on October 8, 2009 at 11:58 am

    Rrrraaagh! I feel angry and frustrated!! Last night I worked in Dallas, which is near where Johnny lives, and we planned to hang out (for the first time in FOREVER) after I got off work. but then he texted that his grandpa, who has been in the hospital, asked Johnny to help him up the stairs and watch the game with him – so Johnny canceled with me and made plans to hang out with me tonight after work (I was supposed to work in Dallas again.) Well, it turns out that I’m not working in Dallas, which means that I will not be driving by his place. When I told him that I won’t be in Dallas and that I have the night off, he said “well this is good news…still up for a visit?” which means that he is asking me to drive myself 45 minutes to see him. I feel frustrated! I finally get situated leaning back, feeling good, and then he asks me to come to him after he’s canceled on me for the second time in one week!!! both times were for good reason, but It still doesn’t feel good!! The other night I did OFFER to drive to see him because he said that he could use my company and I knew that he was having a super tough time – I wanted to be there for him (I did not end up going). But now, I do not feel compelled. My roommate is going on about how he’s so great and how I’m a little irrational and “nutty” about my resistance towards putting forth effort, especially since I have “made it difficult for him to like me” by behaving defensively in the past. I haven’t responded to his text yet and I would LOVE any input about how I can express how I’m feeling without getting up in arms ready to drop him for even asking!!!! I don’t know why it makes me so mad. I guess because I feel inner tension – part of me wants to lean forward and not be “high maintenance” and another part of me is like “oh hell no.”



  34.  #34Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Gina: How’s this…

    I don’t really feel like driving since I don’t have to work in Dallas. It would still feel good to see you. What do you think?



  35.  #35Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Be surprised. He said “are you still up for visit?” You are reading HIS mind by implying that he means you drive to him. You could reply “sure, what time will you get here?” but that would be telling him what to do. 🙂



  36.  #36Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    I feel amused by the ebb and flow of my emotions. Last night, rage, envy, pain. Today, excitement, happiness, and nervousness.

    God answered my request for a man I feel attracted to and excited about meeting. Mr. Vulnerable has set up a little adventure for me. I’m to go to this coffee house in town at 5:37pm and ask if they have something for Alabama Worley (girl from True Romance – a movie we both love – LOL!). Apparently he dropped something off there today at lunch. I’m suppose to pick up whatever it is and then “find” him I guess. It’s like a scavenger hunt! I love it! I feel so excited!!

    And reflecting back on my past dates, the guys and the dates are getting better and better. Even the guy on Saturday who I did NOT connect with, he took me to a local estate where we toured the gardens, went to a wine tasting, and had dinner downtown (a whole day date). Now looking back, I feel ungrateful for the time we had because I was focused on whether or not I liked him. I did enjoy it but when I got in my head, I was focused on not feeling it for him. I’m starting to recognize the things I’m doing and focusing on during my dates. I’m starting to focus more and more on my feelings.

    Baby steps. Shannon



  37.  #37gina on October 8, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Thanks SS, I like your suggestion. And yes, perhaps I was doing a little mind reading. Thanks so much for your consideration and input!



  38.  #38Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Gina: My last post to you sounded like I was judging your thoughts/feelings. I’d like to rephrase please.

    If I got a text that said “are you still up for visit?” I would want to be surprised by what that meant. My answer would be “yes, it would feel good to see you.” If he came back and said “what time do you think you will get here?” (or otherwise implying that I drive to him), I might say “oh, I feel surprised hearing that you meant I drive to Dallas. Since I don’t have to work there tonight, I don’t want to drive. It would still feel good to see you. What do you think?”

    Okay, hopefully that sounds less judgemental or telling you what to do. That wasn’t my intent when I wrote the post! I would have felt the same as you when I saw the text (and the implication), so I feel understanding of your reaction.



  39.  #39gina on October 8, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I didn’t feel bad about your post at all – I had asked for advice and was grateful to receive some. i thought about doing it your edited way, but it felt like playing dumb. I guess closest to the truth would be “I feel disappointed at the implication that i might drive. It would feel unromantic for me to drive. I feel myself losing interest just thinking about it.” but what I actually did text him back was “I don’t feel like driving but it would be great to see you.”



  40.  #40Simply Shannon on October 8, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Yeah Gina! Now I feel curious about his answer. Keep us posted!! I hope you can work something out that feels good for both of you. Mainly I hope you have fun on your night off!



  41.  #41Tina on October 8, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Aldonza, I know I feel the same way about it. I live in a town that is not exactly discreet. I’m not sure entirely what that means,until I ask. From what I gather, he says he is a very private person. He used to date this one lady in my area, they were engaged but broke it off. Everybody knows everybody here. He might as well as set up a picnic table at the store parking lot lol. He could be doing this for my benefit lol, I dunno…

    He has to drive by her house to get to my house first of all, at noon lol. He asked around for my phone number -I’m assuming from a person we both know. Then dinner at a restaurant, people here have to drive to the next town to eat in restaurants. He sends me emails over the world wide web lol. I’ve told a couple of my friends about it, we laughed. I’m still scratching my head.



  42.  #42Tina on October 8, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    These are the men that are showing up lol. He is driving two hours to get here. My hunting date has to drive the same distance maybe a 1/2 hour longer, my plane date has to fly me over to meet him ( 9 hours) for a five day coffee date. Rori did say the quality of men does get better lol. I feel in a laughing funny mood now. I’m going out tonight to sing karaoke weeeeee!.



  43.  #43Tina on October 8, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Aldonza, this one more thing, when people drive into town, we have a habit of looking at other vehicles to see who is driving and with who. makes great convo driving to town on the way to do errands in town. I can understand you feeling this is a red flag situation, if all the things werent so oh i dunno…



  44.  #44gina on October 8, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    it’s been a couple hours and no word back. blah!



  45.  #45Tina on October 8, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    This is where you do something nice for yourself:) Gina instead of waiting for his phone call



  46.  #46janjune on October 8, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    I now have a circular dating rotation of ONE!!!!
    Whoooppppeee!!!
    I made all kinds of mistakes on the phone with him just now, like making some suggestions about our upcoming date. I felt myself battling with trying to indicate to him what would make me uncomfortable (like I DONT want him to come to my house and pick me up), I want to meet him out somewhere. I want to hav my own wheels.
    He asked what I wanted to do and I didn’t answer the question, then when he made a suggestion, I came up with two other ideas. Which I quickly retracted and told him his suggestion sounded like a lot of fun and I would love to do it. I could tell he was feeling a little off balance by that time with me having a very strong opinion about the being picked up thing, then suggesting two other activities after he’d gone ahead and stepped up and suggested one.
    and THEN goddesses,,,,,,,I LEANED BACK! Oh geeesh,,, that took long enough!….
    but finally got my Girl hat to stay on my head.
    He recovered really quickly (i was surprised, he just bounced back) as I just kept leaning back and STAYED in that position, I could tell he regained his confiedence about making suggestions as I was encouraging his suggestions with oh yes, that sounds so good, I love bar-b-que. Oh, it’s your favorite place? that sounds even better.,, etc.
    There is another man I have an interest in getting into the rotation. It’s moving along very slowly and to me sexily. A little special smile (from him), lingering eye contact (from him). Me, I’m doing NOTHING! except being a Girl. it’s utterly amazing how they keep stirring around you. they can feel it! (thankuRori!) last time I was around him he kept walking back and forth slowly in front of me, then stopped and stood with his hands on his hips and his legs spread apart, standing in front of me! It was hilarious, so cute!! almost as if he didn’t want anybody else to see me! I felt tickled and giggly and delighted and sexual toward him for what felt like his little mini-*claiming* of me. well, we’ll see. does he have what it takes to step up?
    this is one i’d really like to explore, but im doing NOTHING. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. NOTHING. just keeping on being a Girl! I finally left and stood somewhere else because I couldn’t see anybody!
    Some of this is puzzling to me.,,,their behavior, their sensitivity to “just being a GIRL”. oH, i LOVE THIS.
    janjune



  47.  #47janjune on October 8, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Mary Ann,
    I feel warm and goose bumpy and teary eyed and joy that my words are resonating with you.
    They come from a place of frustration and pain so to know that they may be moving to another goddess is very special to me.
    Thanku,
    janjune



  48.  #48janjune on October 8, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    oh nikita, i love that reading my stuff helps you find your feelings.
    i love reading your stuff because i feel your confidence and surety in who you are and what you want and what you won’t take and what you’re going to do about it!! i love what you told Daria about someone who was encroaching on her territory! i felt yourexpression of your Siren inner strength in your words to her. much admiration to you and thank you for your inner strength example.
    goddess janjune



  49.  #49gina on October 8, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I feel angry and annoyed and a little needy and a little regretful of a weird message I sent him the other day: he wrote “hey sweetheart, it was great chatting with you last night and I look forward to wednesday.” and I said “ditto. always fun to get a sweet message from you xo” I didn’t think too much about it ahead of time, but it didn’t sit right with me. I don’t like the “always” – somehow it feels like I’m caging him in. But that really has nothing to do with now. Now I feel annoyed and like ugh.
    Janjune, thanks for sharing your experience. I can totally relate to the experience of shifting between boy and girl. hearing your experience, I value the opportunity to gain insight into how the guy responds to the change in our vibe. interesting!



  50.  #50Mary Ann on October 8, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Is it doing too much going to a bar where you know you are likely to run into a guy you like? I know other people who go there, but “he” goes there too. Last time I went…he saw me and smiled from the other side of the room..I pretended not to see him and then he came over about 10 minutes later and stayed until my girl friend and I left. He still has not asked me out, but has called a few times finally.



  51.  #51Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    There is a feeling in my soup, I can’t quite place this feeling kinda like poop or a frog leg in my soup. Yuck! kinda like fear factor soup. I can put my foot in it and swirl it around a little but to take a big bite of that feeling is like yeah its there I can see it, I bumped it with my foot, I”m sitting on my bowl by the way, I dive in swim in it a while. I’ll go down fighting before I eat it though. That’s my attitude. Oh I dont know what this feeling is. This reminds me of people who pick stuff out of their soup and place it on the table then eat the rest. I dont want to do that, I want the whole damn bowl! My post makes no sense but its my soup so yeah…



  52.  #52Tina on October 8, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Maryanne, do the five second eye contact. I wouldnt feel bad about going to a bar in hopes the guy I am attracted to is going to show up. I would keep myself open to other men in the bar and it’s a perfect time to practice tools providing you dont get drunk lol. Oh it’s perfect, I wouldnt consider that being needy or stalking. look at other men for five seconds or as much as you can muster. I say go for three secs first. you have ot consider men in bars will have had a few drinks so will probibly be less inhibited, I think.* Drunk men you dont have to do to much of anything really lol. If he does show up then bonus, makes the night more interesting by this time you would have made eye contact with a few others, practiced leaning back. Im heading out tonight, my main goal is to practice my singing and feeling like a rockstar lol.



  53.  #53gina on October 8, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    grrr. He just wrote that he is conserving his money as much as possible so he can’t really afford to drive to FW. He did get laid off, but all of it amounts to me not feeling special or cared for very interested.



  54.  #54Tina on October 8, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Maryann,I hope he isnt one of those guys that sticks around waiting for an open invitation. If this is a guy you are attracted to then let him ask you out on a date. the phone calls hm, use feelings messages, like I feel hungry lol, I feel bored hmmm this may help inspire him to ask you formally on a date.



  55.  #55Tina on October 8, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Gina, that sucks. I feel disappointed. but your going to have a great time doing what your doing, you’ll miss him though. 45 mins, feels like not a lot of distance considering where I live.



  56.  #56gina on October 8, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    grrr…i am not having a great time. I am frustrated. I feel angry that the ymca is charging a fee that they were not charging when i first considered joining. i feel angry that they use an ugly room for yoga when they could use a pretty room. i feel angry that they play disco music during yoga class. i feel angry that the instructor is not in great shape. I feel angry that the bikram class i was interested in costs 20$ for one stupid class. I feel angry that i got nothing accomplished today. I just read this and I sound ugly. grrrr…i do not feel good my soup is spicy and boiling hot. I like spices and heat, but this is overwhelming and i want to chill.but then i wonder if this heat could motivate me into some action. i definitely feel like i could use more action. boo. i love my anger and i love my hurting. i just realized that i’m feeling sad. grrr.boo hoo. grrr. boo hoo. hehehe.



  57.  #57Linda on October 8, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Once you have fully touched your icky feelings… when you are done with that then you will be able to trust yourself and your nose for good feelings.

    I am getting there! My sense of smell is improving ! Whoo hoo!

    Daria… I am happy for you. While your man was being transformed… you were under reconstruction too most likely. Your post just confirms to me what I feel will manifest in my life too. When something feels right and there is a man being a boy with you… it is easy to be the girl. ENJOY!

    Linda



  58.  #58Ann on October 8, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Haven’t read post yet but wanted to subscribe to it. LOA is very interesting to me.



  59.  #59Rori Raye on October 8, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Heather, Meltdowns sometimes make the best new material for the glorious things. You just gave me a beautiful image — If what you’ve constructed isn’t working…then, instead of trying to tweak it and bend it…if it just all “melt’s down” (but stays YOU…just in different form) — think how many more OPTIONS you have in rebuilding things the way you WANT!!!

    And your feeling/thought…this is a place where Byron Katie’s “The Work” comes in handy: What if that’s not true? To flip it around: What if it’s YOU who doesn’t want commitment, and so you choose men YOU don’t want to commit to? It doesn’t really matter what the “truth” is…because we don’t really know all that much of anything anyway…but doesn’t it FEEL BETTER to think of it that way? That you are actually in some kind of CONTROL over yourself and your choices? Try on a few different perspectives here…and see which thought makes you feel best. Love, Rori



  60.  #60Rori Raye on October 8, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Hi there UrbanUnderground…do you know Erika Awakening? Is that how you found me? I went to your site and saw a well-written, informative sales letter…but for what it’s not possible to tell (and you say you won’t sell anything…and yet, your comment here seems like a clear, provocative call for attention)…I’m game to see what you’re up to…but please…don’t try to sell me on your philosophy without bothering to read my work – it comes off as lazy (you’ve quite obviously only read the titles). Yes — this is a challenge to show up here as a man who can help women help us all. The pickup community…led by David DeAngelo, in my opinion…is moving toward the “Inner Game” and away from “pickup.” So you’re a little behind here in DD’s programs…and with Erika and EFT being embraced at your conventions, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on with your easy dismissal of anyone. Therapists have ALWAYS been more dysfunctional than anyone else…the greatest names in body building were scrawny weaklings…that’s why we all do it. We heal ourselves and then want to be alongside you, helping you heal yourself, while we continue the process of healing ourselves. That’s the way a healer works. I’m sure you have a compelling personal story, too. If you’re any good at what you do, and intend to help anyone with your efforts and writing…let us see what you’ve got. Sincerely, Rori



  61.  #61Mary Ann on October 8, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    thanks Tina!
    I’m good at leaning back…I need to be better at being girl for sure..I’m worried about him thinking I only go there for him. The truth is before him, I went there and we never saw eachother..i have only run into him since we have had our “moments” . “moments” being the times we have been in the same place and ended up going home with one or the other. Yes I’m bad…I have made it clear I want more however my actions aren’t consistent with my words. He says he’s “slow at these things” and that I caught him by surprise. I do not call him, I do not initiate contact. When he comes over I do my best to listen and receive…sometimes I talk too much…I know I do lol.
    I have to be stronger when I see him, and say no even if we spend hours together..he needs to ask me for my time, in advance!!
    I’m not waiting for him, there are other men that have potential…I’m tired of online dating so I have been trying live people…but its slower…if someone else were to ask me out I would go. But I do like him…I don’t like his behavior..only I’m allowing it..so really my beef is with me…I’ll get there…I’m already stronger than i was. 🙂



  62.  #62Tina on October 8, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    I didn’t go out after all, I took a shower and went to lay in my warm bed and feel asleep.



  63.  #63Tina on October 8, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    I am feeling curious about U.U’s suggestion to write down all insecurities on a card then presenting it to a woman at a bar. I just noticed his/her writing after Rori mentioned it in her above post. I didn’t read it all the way through , I’ll go back and finish it, I just found it an odd thing to do. I have never had that happen to me before , although I have written something on a piece of paper and passed it to a female friend hehe.



  64.  #64Tina on October 8, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    Are you for real here? you honestly believe that bringing note cards with you while out at a club and having the girl read it is good? if she does leave I hope so anyway ( I would) for kicks I might stay however most would get up or walk away. Note cards hm…



  65.  #65Tina on October 8, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    Ok maybe if he was extremely attractive but still even then…



  66.  #66gina on October 8, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    I feel intrigued by UU, although i am so glad that Rori addressed his complete obvious lack of knowledge about her teaching. I read his suggestions for men, and I do wish that a man that I actually like did tell me everything that was going on in him. I’d love it actually. if he was willing to share complete authenticity with me, i would feel deeply connected and willing to share back. I don’t like that he’s encouraging men to ignore how women respond. i get what he’s trying to do, but there are creepos out there, and i want them to be more in tune to how they make me feel, and I want them to respect what i’m saying when I tell them that I want them to back off.



  67.  #67Tina on October 8, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    I read further on down, it says to bring this note card with all your insecurites to the bar or whereever then show it to girls, this will be in a resume form of course, if men want to read it then its ok to let them, if they start to make fun, then you ask repeatedly why they are making fun of your insecurities. I’m not sure what to make of it.



  68.  #68gina on October 8, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    but he’s talking about hitting on girls at “the club” so he sounds like another pickup artist to me.



  69.  #69gina on October 8, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    yeah, okay, I can’t read his stuff anymore. this “in field” and “set” stuff gives me the creeps. blech. wish i didn’t read it.



  70.  #70gina on October 8, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    i would feel intrigued by a guy who was saying “why are you making fun of my insecurities.” I might continue to feel tickled and not take him seriously. I would also probably wonder what website or book he’s read, or what therapist recommended this strange behavior. I would DEFINITELY consider note cards with insecurities to be a red flag. but since he’s wagging it in my face, maybe it’d feel disarming. i dunno.



  71.  #71Tina on October 8, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Is this where I tilt my head to the left and say Oh? then slowly back away. Gina since your online now, how would you respond to a man that gives you a note card with all his insecurities hand written on it ?, in a bar situation. Sirens? anyone? My guess is that he would want you to become his therapist, there is just something really odd about this approach, I dunno…



  72.  #72gina on October 8, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    seems strange, but it’d depend on how attracted I was to the man and how i felt in the moment.



  73.  #73gina on October 8, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    okay so i gave a little thought to the notecard and realized that it misses the mark for me. because it would obviously be about HIM and HIS therapy so that he could attract women in general. it would not feel like it was about his personal interest in ME. If he was to send me a love letter with all his thoughts and feelings, that would be super sweet. if he was to read me a lousy notecard at “the club”, I’d feel sad and disappointed that “the dating game” just seems to get weirder and weirder.



  74.  #74Daria on October 8, 2009 at 11:04 pm

    Lol. LOOL.



  75.  #75Tina on October 8, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    For me I would most definitely feel curious about what is written on the card. He is standing patiently while I’m reading, he’s sipping his drink or does he just move on passing out his resume?. I mean he is talking about being in a place where women and men respond differently under the influence. I tend to take pamphlets from people off the street or religious people at my door. I do it mostly out of kindness, this gets me into trouble at times. I find myself caught in a situation where I feel I dont want to be rude to the person and say fck off you crazy bastard!. Sometimes I do sortof invite it. It’s out of curiousity though.



  76.  #76Tina on October 8, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    Yes, Gina I would prefer a card with sweet nothings on it. Only after we have met and I feel “safe”.



  77.  #77gina on October 8, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    Tina, when you said earlier that 45 minutes doesn’t seem far to drive, were you saying that you would drive? or were you saying you didn’t understand why he couldn’t do it?



  78.  #78laughing goddess on October 8, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    I feel so girly, and flowy, and goddessy, and sweet. I feel Wow as the energy shifts between J and I. I feel so amazed by how even the tiniest, little baby steps towards being in my girl energy bring him closer. I feel the energy between us changing. I just keep learning back. Today, I felt giddy when I realized he was hinting around about us going out. I feel confident and i didn’t bite though. I feel patient, leaning back, in my girl energy. I feel magnetic with my magical goddessy ways.



  79.  #79gina on October 8, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    i feel crappy and unattractive.



  80.  #80gina on October 8, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    but as soon as i express how crappy i feel, i start laughing. the crumminess doesn’t feel that deep. I’m glad laughing goddess is feeling good. it’s a reminder that i can feel good too. and i’m just happy for laughing goddess.



  81.  #81gina on October 8, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    blah!!! he can’t afford to drive to fort worth???
    W.T.F?



  82.  #82Daria on October 8, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    okay… attack from Feminine Man: (after I had signed off) I told F. M. who is a 33 year old virgin that I did not feel attracted to him sexually, but I did emotionally and he was really cool. I also told him my friend Erika is a dating coach and EFT therapist who could hlep him including his anxiety issues. I felt like I leaned forward somewhat by offering this help, but as he even says below, he sounded like he was sending out a cry for help

    liamknujymwen: you know i think this isnt going anywhere
    your friend is a lunatic
    and i am upset you told me i was not attractive
    just like the other girl i met
    it was a cry for help when i tried to talk about my abusive family.
    you could have listened
    you were fine except for your crazy plant spirit, acupuncture, eft bullshit
    your friend is a quack. really. its total bullshit. you think i never had to deal with pseudoscience?
    i’ve got two degrees, one in bio, one in medicine
    i’ve studied that stuff. its the stuff we tried, it didnt work, so we found stuff that did
    erica just wants money
    you are ignorant or crazy.
    i cant pretend to be openminded. people have DIED refusing treatment.
    or worse, killed their kids by refusing treatment.
    you are probably crazy.
    i hate all that “i feel irritated” “i feel annoyed”
    well i have feelings too
    and you did judge me
    totally
    by the way i have dated hotter women
    so how does that feel.
    you called me ugly, basically
    and tried to get me to join your erica cult
    eft is bullshit
    get some real knowledge
    by the way, its kind of stupid to do what you did with that guy
    and i really dont want to hear how you let some guy feel you up
    when you wont even drive an hour for me
    i want someone who would take a bullet for me
    you arent the one
    i would get psychological help. go be a healer. more like con artist/cult leader

    I would liek to say : I AM NOT THE ONE!

    lool.

    God thanks no more of these spazzes. I don’t feel attracted to ickyness. Fortunately i did not actually MEET this one.

    He seemed like SUCH A NICE GUY. he has awesome drawing skills and loves bugs and animals and sent me cute pictures. That’s it. No more Nice guys for Nice guys only. I want a REAL MAN. Thanks for that message.

    “nice unattractive guys” = “not nice guys”



  83.  #83Daria on October 9, 2009 at 12:12 am

    I feel weird and sad. I don’t want to be attacked. I feel scared misunderstood. I feel like hiding away. I also feel like attacking, I feel tight in my chest, I feel squeezed i feel hot cheeks, I feel buzzy energy. I LOVE MY FEELINGS



  84.  #84Daria on October 9, 2009 at 12:15 am

    I feel furious reading U U ‘s messages to Erika on Erika’s blog. I feel like beating him and stomping on him a couple times.

    (FEEL) Key word feel – my friend told me that in Prison Programs they have them use the word FEEL when saying they want to attack someone, or else it’s a threat. IE they can say “I feel like beating your ass” not, Im gonna beat your ass.

    He said this on his own without my sharing about feeling messages and I felt VERY self-amused.

    I feel scared to get attacked, I feel worried I will O D on my buzzy energy which I think is adrenaline and which I feel scared that I’ve overused in my previous muy “exciting” mortally dangerous lifestyle.



  85.  #85Daria on October 9, 2009 at 12:16 am

    Being alive is mortally dangerous! I am OK. I LOVE MYSELF!!!



  86.  #86Tina on October 9, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Gina, no I wasnt saying I would drive. I mean in my case, most of my dates have drive at least an hour or two. That has been my experience on this dating site I signed up for, I just took your situation as a given , like he would, I suppose. You mentioned he didnt have the gas funds to do it. I wouldnt do it, the drive I mean. Pre rori I may have but not now.



  87.  #87Daria on October 9, 2009 at 12:21 am

    Being alive is safe !



  88.  #88Daria on October 9, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Im feeling good…!

    A stripper is online telling me i look good and tryna set me up with friends of her former Boss lol… since I said I dont date married men (like her boss)…

    i feel SOOO amused



  89.  #89Tina on October 9, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Well, I am flying out to meet this date, it would be considered leaning forward since I am flying out to meet him. He is paying for the ticket though, not sure how this fits as far as leaning back/forward.



  90.  #90Daria on October 9, 2009 at 12:42 am

    heeh… Tina sounds like fun to me, he is paying, I would feel glad to have a man fly me places!

    It would feel fun to havea man fly me to Brazil! IN a safe fun way ! thank you!!!

    also other locations would feel good too…

    a man other than my father i meant thank you!



  91.  #91gina on October 9, 2009 at 12:44 am

    tina, that would feel like leaning back to me, if a guy paid. yeah, with johnny, it seems like I said “i don’t consider it worth it to drive to you.” and he said “i don’t consider it worth it to drive to you, either.” i think there was miscommunication and it feels crummy.



  92.  #92Tina on October 9, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Gina, this doenst sound like a misunderstanding to me.

    “I don’t feel like driving but it would be great to see you.”

    just send him back this lol “I feel disappointed that you cant make it” end lol.



  93.  #93Tina on October 9, 2009 at 1:04 am

    without the lol’s . lol thats just me. and dont contact him after that last message AT ALL! if he texts you back then ok but not until then.



  94.  #94Flipper on October 9, 2009 at 7:12 am

    Ditto Tina to Gina.

    Re soup à la Tina, I don’t want to really eat my soup either. No, not ‘don’t want’ – feel terrified, with a completely constricted throat. I feel as if I’m pouring the soup into my ear (or eyes), i.e. reading here, instead of opening my mouth and swallowing, even though it was desperate hunger that finally got the soup served up. It feels too hard to love myself and be a good friend/parent to myself, so I seem to be “fixing” overfunctioning by becoming a lousy friend or relative to others!

    Tap tap tap – even though I feel pouty about my soup, I feel hopeful and grateful to have it.



  95.  #95Mercedes on October 9, 2009 at 7:26 am

    UU: “Down with relationship coaches. Down with pickup coaches.”

    Does this mean you struggle connecting with women and nobody has been able to help? If so, you might stick around and read for a bit. There are a lot of women here and you could practice speaking confidently, showing curiosity, being understanding, giving advice and opening yourself constructively.

    If that’s not what it means, then I apologize. You didn’t say much, so I had to interpret the meaning on my own…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  96.  #96Simply Shannon on October 9, 2009 at 7:58 am

    Gina: Just wanted to send you some hugs. (((HUGS))) I would feel crappy about his response too. Actually I would feel angry that he wasn’t willing to come to me or at a minimum suggest we meet halfway or come up with some solution. I don’t want to be anyone’s “eh – if you show up, great, if you don’t, that’s fine too”. Whatever. Blood beginning to boil.

    I don’t want to feel bad when I’m with a man. I don’t want to feel unworthy (because I am soooo worthy!). I don’t want to make excuses about how I’m feeling in order to make him look better. Gina, I’m putting my boy hat on… I hear in your words that you are trying to blame yourself for what you are feeling. For being too “high maintenance”, for making a comment or asking a question or otherwise being YOU. Please stop doing that. This boy might not be the right fit for you. Just because he’s a good guy and you feel some attraction does not mean he’s “the one”. I don’t want you to beat yourself up anymore. You’re learning. You’re here. You’re trying to do this life different. I feel so proud of you!! You don’t have to force a square peg to fit in a round hole. When I go back and read my posts about A, it’s clear to me how miserable and insecure I was. I can see those same things in your posts. I don’t want that for either of us! Why do we hold on so tightly to men who make us miserable or second guess ourselves?

    I’m opening my hand and releasing my grasp. Any man who wants to stay is welcome but I ain’t fighting for them any longer. I’m fighting for my own happiness thank you very much. Join the party or get the hell off my horse!



  97.  #97Simply Shannon on October 9, 2009 at 7:59 am

    Tina: have fun on your 5 day coffee date!!



  98.  #98Simply Shannon on October 9, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Daria: F.M.’s words would have triggered me. Nobody calls me or anything I say stupid. GRRRRR. My son has recently started saying “I’m stupid” or “that’s stupid”, and I cannot for the life of me figure out who he heard that from. I cannot stand that word. I would literally rip whoever said it to him a new one. Ugly, ugly word.
    Wow, I feel really angry and tense, ready to pounce. Gosh, why am I feeling so angry? I know I felt horrible when my son said that to me. (He is SMART kid.) Momma Bear is stirred the hell up. Gosh, I feel tears in my eyes. NO ONE says that to my child. Wow, I love my protectiveness. I love loving my kids. the world would be a better place if the word “stupid” did not get tossed around so much. It’s a dismissive word. One meant to stop all converstaion instead of opening it up to learn.



  99.  #99Mary Ann on October 9, 2009 at 8:07 am

    Woo hoo Simply Shannon!!! I like that…:)



  100.  #100gina on October 9, 2009 at 8:16 am

    Thanks SS and Tina. i know better, but I definitely felt all crappy about it yesterday. I didn’t do anything about it. He said that he “couldn’t afford it” and I said “I hear ya.” and that was it, and I won’t be contacting him. When i say that there was a “misunderstanding”, I just mean that it felt a little untrue that we both were like “eh.” I mean, I expressed “eh,” but totally thought about it all day. the “fun” things I tried to do instead of thinking about it didn’t pan out. But you’re right – it’s not my fault that it’s not working. For whatever reason he is not that into me right now, and may never be. I definitely don’t like the way he handled things yesterday. Aside from whatever attachment i have to the idea of his goodness, I feel TURNED OFF by the suggestion that I should drive my unreliable car down the dangerous highway, which I have expressed that I don’t like to do, possibly late at night, for 45 minutes for a “date” with a man who has bailed on me twice in one week- I want to feel special and I want to feel that a man is looking out for me. this “still up for a visit?” crap ticks me off. SCREW IT! but what I realized was that all that leaning forward I was doing to supposedly “fix” what I had done “wrong” in the past was all that was keeping us in touch – now that I am leaning back I’m seeing what’s up, and it’s NADA for now!



  101.  #101Jennifer F on October 9, 2009 at 11:04 am

    I am boiling in my soup…. I literally am shaking all over with rage and rejection. I happened to see on facebook (truly.. by accident) that the man I have been “bridging” with was asking about another girl, if she was single and if his friend would set them up…. I am sooo hurt right now. I just want to shut down my emotions. I want to go home and crawl into bed. We are suppose to hang out on Wednesday night for the Nip/Tuck season start and carve pumpkins. Not only do I not want to see him.. I have to work with him. Thank GOD today is his day off. I just don’t think I could hide my emotions. I wear them on my sleeve as is.
    WHY do I take it sooo personally? This is the first man that I could truly be myself with, and I just feel that myself was not enough to keep him…enough to attract him…just not enough. My soup is not a soup right now.. it’s a stew of emotion! Big chucks of anger…. Potatoes of rejection….carrots of embarrassement… Tomatoes of jealousy…I think I’m gonna be sick. Should I cancel Wednesday? I probably should… just shut down. Which is always what I do.. I shut down, the guy wonders why I’m not cool anymore, and then I feel guilty, and I open up again and the same thing happens over and over!! A year and a half I have wasted on this man…for him to be intrigued by a picture of some girl he knows nothing about… a picture and he decides he wants to persue her. I just don’t know what to do… I am soo disappointed in him.



  102.  #102laughing goddess on October 9, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Gina: I feel compassion and resonance with what you are going through. I feel hopeful and positive that you saying no to driving could be a baby step towards leaning back and changing the dynamic between the two of you. I feel understanding. I felt good hearing your expression of support for me.

    Tina: I feel creativity reading your post about your soup. I feel inspired to express myself in a creative way.

    Daria: I feel annoyed with FM. I feel very judgmental of him. I feel blah, ewwww, ick, yuck. I feel protective of you. I want to tell him where to stick his opinions. I want to tell him to go F himself.

    Jennifer F: I feel understanding of your feelings. I feel compassionate and supportive. I feel sad that your nasty voice is coming up and telling you that you are unworthy. I feel like telling that voice that it doesn’t know what it is talking about. I feel curious about what would happen if you did the opposite of shutting down and instead spoke to him in feeling messages or maybe emailed him…that way you could get clear on what you want to say. If I were in that situation, I would say something like…”I feel conflicted about hanging out with you on Wednesday. Part of me feels excited because I like spending time with you and part of me feels pissed off and insecure because I don’t want to get hurt”. I dunno, that’s just an example. I feel trusting that you would come up with something that feels good to you.



  103.  #103laughing goddess on October 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Tina: I feel agreement with Daria that since he is paying it still counts as leaning back. I feel curious about how your energy feels inside. Do you feel leaning forward or leaning back?

    Janjune: I feel really excited reading about your phone call. I feel so good to hear that once you leaned back, he quickly recovered and behaved like a boy. That feels really cool. I feel hopeful about that. I feel happy to know that even when we make “mistakes” and fall back into our patterns, we can always recover and improve. I feel so good hearing your story.



  104.  #104Jennifer F on October 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    Thank you… I feel better.. it feels good to know that someone out there understands how I feel, that they feel compassion for me when I feel so rejected and unfelt for. I am still fighting the urge to cancel on him without telling him why, just turning my back and walking away.. the problem is because I work with him, I can’t turn everything off, I still have to interact with him. Is that running away or am I protecting myself? I liked what you said about telling him that I feel conflicted about hanging out with him… but I feel that I am once again putting myself out there too much. I don’t every cry infront of him.. oh I cry.. just not in front of him, and I make all the mistakes of saying I am “fine” when he knows I’m not fine, because I have such a hard time of putting down my walls… but why should I if he is just looking for the next best thing anyway… ugghh…now I am upsetting myself again! You are right.. this is a nasty voice.



  105.  #105Nikita on October 9, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Janjune,

    Thanks, I feel flattered and a little more self aware



  106.  #106Flipper on October 9, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Jennifer C – Before you decide to cancel or not, how about practicing some feeling messages on here that you could use in different situations: cancelling, not cancleling, what you’d like to say if the subject of the girl came up. Maybe some messages would feel better and more truthful than others, and make it easier to decide.

    I sympathize with your upset. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve feels risky, so my Nasty Voices tend to “protect” them under a cloak of fear (only the fear on my face gets seen anyway). Often feeling trapped in my own blockhouse, I resonated with what you wrote: “I have such a hard time of putting down my walls… but why should I if he is just looking for the next best thing anyway”? Wondering about the answer, I suddenly felt like flipping the question: why wouldn’t he look elsewhere if he can’t see me behind my walls?”



  107.  #107laughing goddess on October 9, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Hey Jennifer F,

    My understanding is that men often find vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty attractive as long as it doesn’t come out as blame towards them. That’s why feeling messages work well. I feel confident that you can use this experience as an opportunity to practice being vulnerable. Who knows if he will get it, but at least you will be building your skills and getting more in touch with your own feelings. This will make you so much stronger and ready for when Mr. Right shows up. You can do it goddess Jennifer!



  108.  #108laughing goddess on October 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    I feel in agreement with everything Flipper said! I feel really awesome reading that!



  109.  #109Flipper on October 9, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Thanks, Laughing Goddess – I was just feeling the same about your post!



  110.  #110Jennifer F on October 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Okay… deep breath…open heart…Here goes…
    L, I was looking forward to our Nip/Tuck & Pumpkin carving night… but I noticed a comment you left on facebook.. that I know had NOTHING to do with me.. but it made me feel ….. and this is where I am stuck. If I say everything that I am feeling..ie. (rejected, hurt, jealous, disappointed, ANGER… ) I could understand why he wouldn’t want to come over or he might feel attacked. I know he didn’t put that comment on there to hurt me… in fact, I am pretty sure he thought I wouldn’t see it. Oh… this is hard stuff!

    Thank you Goddesses for all of your support. Flipper, you are right.. you are totally right. I hope no one takes this the wrong way.. but I use to get soo annoyed with the girls that would cry on any shoulder, and do the boo hoo poor me thing and men just FLOCK to them. I have always prided myself on being strong.. not letting them see me hurt, not crying in front of them, only after they leave do I do the “ugly” cry… I guess, I am scared that he doesn’t even care enough to CARE that I am upset or how I feel. Okay.. enough.. moving on! I gotta work on me… this guy is trashing myself esteem.. and I don’t think he even knows it! I went from being told that I am wonderful, the most amazing woman he’s ever known TO him wanting to get hooked up with some pretty girl he’s seen a picture of. I guess I feel disappointed that he is just that shallow.. it also makes me discover that part of my anger is falling for a guy like that…AGAIN. That by him disappointing me, I have disappointed myself by picking him. The funny thing.. is I thought I wasn’t picking the same type of guy again. Learning… practice.. that’s all he is.. is practice. Practice hurts though.. ha ha Thanks again Ladies!



  111.  #111Flipper on October 9, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Good start, Jennifer. Go ahead and write – for yourself or us – ALL those feelings that are coming up, however bad you think they might sound. Also, no apologies and pare it down to the minimum by not ‘explaining’ too much – he knows. Then go back and “tweak” things to take the ‘blame’ out (by avoiding the words ‘you’, ‘your’ or ‘hurt’, and most verbs that someone can ‘do to’ you.) This might look like:

    I was looking forward to Wed night, and when I saw something on Facebook, now I feel upset/annoyed/not so keen/(your feeling).

    As you are working together so he sees you often, I imagine he’ll be feeling that something is ‘off’ for you, so I’d lean back and let him bring it up. I could see myself saying this (shaking, but kinda squeaking it out) in response if he simply asks how I am, or confirms the ‘date’, or if He wants to cancel on Me, or even at some point during our evening together. What do you think?



  112.  #112Flipper on October 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    PS – I know that bummer of beating myself up about MY choosing another loser. Let’s not go there any more and channel that anger into making boundaries that lead us away from the bad choices.



  113.  #113Jennifer F on October 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    I have decided to wait… to lean back.. and breathe. I will not see him for the next 3 days… unless he makes some attempt to see me this weekend.. and I will practice my feeling speech. I feel kind of embarrassed.. that he might think I was “checking” up on him if I bring up the comment he left on facebook.. it makes me feel high schoolish, and being that I am a 36 year old woman.. that doesn’t feel so good.

    So… this is what I came up with.

    L, It feels good to hang out with you, it always feels good. I have such a good time with you, but lately I have been feeling that you might not feel the same way, and if that is the case, I don’t want to stop you from persuing other avenues of interest. It makes me feel feelings of jealousy and anger when I think of you trying different avenues instead of focusing on me. And I want someone to focus on me and be happy with me. I also feel that you are not comfortable with the idea of us being seen in public together.. how do you feel about that?

    Why do I feel so stupid even typing that?!! ha ha I feel like I am opening myself up to rejection… there is no pleasant surprise here waiting for me. Call me a chicken.. bak bak. ha ha



  114.  #114Tina on October 9, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    laughing goddess I do feel I am leaning back to a degree. I feel my guard is up or at least ready to “fight” in boy energy mode if I have to, probibly comes from survival, dunno. I feel resistance, I cant quite put my finger on this feeling that I have. This isnt the first time my feelings come up, it’s all the time in relationships, even the brief ones lol. I’m learning to trust the process. It’s part of my soup I dont like, I feel like picking it out ha. In theory I suppose it’s all fine and dandy, I can identify this “thing” in my soup, I can look at it and say yup thats it, it;s all there, I can fling it across the room or take a big bite. A pastery mixed with a little fear, anger, a dim sum lol, yeah what the hell is a dim sum/wonton doing in my beef stew?, ok thats it im spending way to much time alone lol.



  115.  #115Daria on October 9, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Jennifer F

    Personally I would say:

    I noticed a message on Facebook about another woman and I feel jealous and ANGRY.

    I’m at Hrystian’s workshop. I am by myself in another room while the men are practicing getting into man mode with men only. I feel kinda left out and worried that I am letting them treat me not so well. They did give me a mat and a computer lol. And the next two days I will be practicing too. Oh yeah im supposed to be making a list of the 50 things i want in my man right now hehe. I will make it in a sec. Maybe i will go walk around too. LA looks pretty i am on the top floor of some building. I feel curious what they are doing. I feel kinda not good being put in the room by myself. I feel kinda unworthy of saying otherwise becase well I’m here for free. But I don’t want that to hold me back. I feel conflicted about it and im thinking about casually strolling in there and checking out what they’re doing anyway. Anyway I still want to play on the computer meanwhile.



  116.  #116Mary Ann on October 9, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    So I’m going out tonight and I may end up where “he” might be. I need to say what I need to say here so I get it right. Here goes:
    I really enjoy the time I spend with you, and would like us to really get to know each other. I feel great when we talk and laugh and are having fun with each other. I want someone in my life who enjoys being with me, wants to know me, spend time with me, share himself with me. Someone who will respect me and my time and love me exactly the way I am.

    I had a really hard time writing the last 7 words..is that too much for a conversation that may take place in a bar? It scares me to think of saying this..don’t know if I can do it without crying. Wow..here come the tears already..doesn’t seem to be too much to ask..but it feels like a lot.
    Anyway..would love feedback..or questions if I haven’t given enough background info. Just didn’t want to subject you guys to a big long boring explanation.
    Happy Friday Sirens!



  117.  #117Tina on October 9, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Jennifer, why do you not feel good enough to be seen in public with this guy? I would go with what Daria suggests and leave it at that. Walk away if you have to, only to save yourself from exploding with rage.



  118.  #118Tina on October 9, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Mary ann did you say you already have had a sexual relationship with him?



  119.  #119Tina on October 9, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Jennifer, or bursting in tears.



  120.  #120Jennifer F on October 9, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Thanks Daria…. simply and to the point.
    Tina, to answer you question.. I feel great about myself.. it’s him that I think has an issue. To understand a little… I am heavy set, not just 10 pounds over weight heavy set.. very much so heavy set… BUT I am a attractive woman with an extremely charming personality… even if I do say so myself. Ha Ha He has dated very and I do mean very thin woman in the past, (we are talking buck O’ fives here) and has made comments about how proud he was to have them on his arm… but these woman.. not to put them down but they were not “high” class woman if you know what I mean. The one he was proudest of was addicted to meth and lost her children and her business. But to look at her.. she was hot (well… until the meth took over). I am happy to say that she is out of his life, and from last I heard she was getting help.
    Anyway.. in the last 1 1/2 years that we have known each other, we have been out to dinner 4 times (and one of those times was my birthday), we went to the movies twice (both times my idea.. pre Rori days) which is strange because we are both huge movie buffs, and that’s it. At first I thought it was that he enjoyed staying in, having me all to himself, but now I am convinced that he just doesn’t want to be seen with a fat girl. I have brought this up to him, and he says I need to have a higher view of myself, in which I tell him I do, but I think it is him that struggles with it. He never commented on that response. (We were texting.)
    I have never worried about it in the past because we have such a good time when we are together, that I never missed going out. He was always telling me how “hot” I was, complimenting me on my hair, my lips or smile. He did share with me that he was concerned about my health, and we went on a diet together, because he gained a good 30lbs just hanging out with me. I am an emotional eater. I eat happy, sad, depressed, anger.. bored… you get the point. ANYWAY..
    He was suppose to go with me to my class reunion and then cancelled on me. I also had been given tickets to a local beerfest, which I knew we both really wanted to go to, and after I asked all of my girlfriends (because I am trying not to leanforward) and they could not go, I asked him. He said one of his friends from out of town was in town and he was suppose to meet up with him, so not wanting the tickets to go to waste I gave them to him. Only to find out that the orginal friend did not go, and he asked one of his other buddies instead of calling me up and taking me. When I asked him why he didn’t take me, he said that I just had seemed really cold and distance the whole week…which made me wonder if I was leaning back too much, because I went all the way to zero on my leaning back. By biggest confusion, was just a few weeks ago he was completely chasing me! Taking me out to breakfast (correction…we’ve been out 5 times) and then taking me shopping at my favoritest store. He would always ask to come over, he would always ignatiate the texts and phone calls, ask if he could come over and take me for a drive in his car (he gets to drive BMW’s and Mercedes-Benz for his job)…and then suddenly last week the beerfest thing happened and the cancelling of the reunion date happened, and it’s like someone turned the faucet from hot to bitter cold. AND now he is activately looking for a date! Just when I think my anger has subsided… I get all riled up again. Thank you everyone for all your support… I think I will just cut my loses and focus on mending my little heart. Sorry this is soo long.



  121.  #121Daria on October 9, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    I feel pist off. I DO NOT like being relegated to another room. I do not like being here by myself while the men are socializing and doing their exercises. I do NOT want to tolerate this in my life and I feel angry. I am a woman that gets included and respected by men. I have been the one that was always included in the “important” man talks and even the “sleazy” man activities. I feel furious that these men have chosen to have me sit here in the other room by myself for how many hours? I FEEL PIST OFF. I feel like leaving NOW. I don’t feel like participating. I feel like storming off. I feel less than. I FEEL PIST. I feel difficulty concentrating on reading Rori’s e-mail, and I have not made my 50 man list yet.

    HERES SOMETHING ON THE LIST

    RESPECTS ME AS MUCH AS HE WOULD A MAN

    DOES NOT RELEGATE ME TO THE OTHER ROOM

    INCLUDES ME IN ALL ACTIVITIES I WANT TO BE PART OF

    I FEEL PIST IFEEL PIST I FEEL PIST. I lvoe my felings. That fels like pouty lips. That feels like fuckin beating someone up I FEel MAD.



  122.  #122Mary Ann on October 9, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Hi Tina..yes…I know him from the soft ball league I play in..we met last year…and spent a fair amount of time hanging out at games and after..with other people…then this summer after a party he asked me if I would like to go back to his place for a drink and I did not even thinking about anything sexual..it was a chance to spend one on one time with him. I ended up sleeping over..we fooled around a bit but did not have sex. Since then I have had sex with him about 3 times.



  123.  #123Angeline on October 9, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Hi, I don’t have time to read all the comments now, but I just wanted to say that I found out what that ungrounded feeling in me was. It was my intuition, because the next day some really scary, dark, and triggering things happened to me at work. The stuff that happened was set in motion some time before, but was just about to surface. Verrrry interesting….
    ~ Angeline



  124.  #124Daria on October 9, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    I feel upset. Terrance came in and made me feel MUCH better, but then Hrystian kind of apologized because he didn’t realize I would be here today.

    And now I feel bad again. He thinks its important to create a safe space for only men to be men and that men “will show up differently” if there is a woman present. ditto the other way around. His girlfriend has woman’s groups which are sacred, no men allowed.

    Well that doesn’t feel good to me. I feel like crying. I feel left out, I feel BAD. It doesnt feel good and I don’t like it. When I was a little kid and I would read about these things in communities I would think I personally would sneak in and see whats really going on. I’ve always got a “pass” on men’s events and it doesn’t feel good to be left out of one. I feel sad. I “understand” that they show up different, but then again everyone shows up different when there are ANY other people. and what about transgender people, or etc

    this idea doesn’t feel good to me. YUCK. I mean I can see how someone can have a man centered or woman centered activity, but I don’t think “it’s sacred so these people can’t even observe because people will show up different” well that just doesn’t feel good. I could very well show up from my masculine and not interfere, or dim energy and be a silent observer.

    I feel upset! This idea doesn’t feel good. Damn. I WAS just feeling good a lil earlier. How come I can create my what i want in a man list with Terrance right here, even stuff like penis size, but they can’t “show up” in a healing way if im observing. That doesn’t feel good, it’s all in what you choose to create. I believe I can choose for them to show up just right. I feel pouty lips. I love my feelings. I feel discriminated against. I feel pushed out. I feel sad.

    I love my sadness. I don’t want to join a woman’s group that TOTALLy excludes men that would want to be there.



  125.  #125Tina on October 9, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    Maryanne,

    From what I understand, men will sleep with you, this is no suprise huh. They do it because we allow them to. I dont know what your guy is like, I’m pretty sure he would be the same way. You are running the risk of feeling rejected. I wouldnt search him out in a bar and deliver that speech instead just enjoy yourself for the night. If the situation came and presented itself, like if he asks you to come home with him then I would say something in feelings messages. What that would sound and look like I dont know.

    I feel mixed up emotional about this, I dont feel its a good idea for me to do this tonight given that this is how I am feeling.

    I wouldnt try and let him convince you that it would be a good idea, you’ll just feel crappy about it later. Im not sure if its wise to bring up your last sexual encounters with him to him. unless he asks something like what about the other times? why didnt you say something then? you feel confused and have mixed feelings can we talk about it some other time or have this convo over coffee, instead of a bar. I wish I could be the fly on the wall for you Maryann. Any no hanky panky tonight with this guy! I would rather feel rejected sooner than later especially after I have invested more time in this.



  126.  #126Mary Ann on October 9, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    I came home!! Without him!! My friend offered me a ride and I took it..he texted me to ask where I went…I said goodbye…but I suprised him by leaving….OMG he just called me and I told him O like the time i spend with him..and he said you’re more than welcome to come over…and then I said I can’t keep doing this…I need to spend other kinds of time with you and he said I can do that. …!!! I can’t believe it!!! we chatted about some other stuff and we got back to us and he invited me over again and I said..I think I need to see the other stuff first and he said ok…I will do better..i can do that.

    I told him I didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to do….he said the same for me..I said I don’t..I worked that out a long time ago…he said that’s good.
    OMG I feel soooo good!!! I love standing up for myself…I love that he changed his tune!!!!! I hope he means it!!!! But I’m still happy I did it!!!!
    I did want to be with him…he makes me all melty and stuff….when he smiles at me I’m all gushy…but I made my point!!!!!!

    yay for me…thanks Tina!!!! Thanks Rori!! Thanks sirens!!!!



  127.  #127Mary Ann on October 10, 2009 at 12:03 am

    I feel so good right now
    I feel strong
    I feel scared
    I feel like I protected me
    I feel like I opened myself
    I feel like I was heard
    I feel like I was felt
    I still feel like I might be rejected
    I feel okay with that…I deserve 100% effort

    I don’t need perfection I need effort…I told him that tonight.,..we were talking about sports but I think he understood I meant it with regards to everything…I am so happy with myself right now…I feel like the girl in the movie when she makes the right move and you yell you go girl!! yes!! yes!!
    I’m happy that I’m cheering for myself!



  128.  #128alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 12:18 am

    yae maryann. i feel very smiley and like a nice breeze is on me. ahh yes. i feel so good with tina’s guidance to you.

    i feel good to read this.



  129.  #129Tina on October 10, 2009 at 12:23 am

    Maryann, That sounds awesome, YOU GO GIRL!



  130.  #130Mary Ann on October 10, 2009 at 12:24 am

    Thanks Alias Girl…I’ve been reading for a long time…and I’m glad I started to participate…It does make a difference…you all make a difference. You understand what I’m trying to achieve…my friends don’t..they tell me to call…to ask him out…this is better and those of you who have been here for a while know why this is better..because it FEELS better!!! If anyone is just reading and not sharing..please learn from me. It helps to share..here and out there.



  131.  #131Mary Ann on October 10, 2009 at 12:26 am

    Thanks Tina!

    I’m going to bed now..smiling!
    Goodnight siren island..happy dreams 🙂



  132.  #132alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 12:36 am

    i didn’t get a newsletter or whatever so i’m not exactly sure what it says or suggests but i am going to write 50 things i want in a man:

    1) he treats me like a goddess because this is how he perceives me and he loves to treat me this way
    2) he feels super lucky to be with me (and i feel the sam way about him)
    3) had integrity with his word. if he says something he means it, no question
    4) i find him sexy and attractive

    5)healthy
    6) prosperous
    7) fun. we have fun together. we have similar senses of “fun”
    8) sexually compatible
    9) i feel proud of him (and he of me)
    10) he likes pda and holds my hand and touches me and hugs me A LOT
    11) is really interested in doing things to make me happy and he goes out of his way to do these things
    12) is romantic
    13) likes the way i keep the home
    14) is funny. i like his sense of humor. he likes mine.
    15) he Enjoys me. i enjoy him
    16) want and commits to monogamy. WANTS, LIKES, AND PREFERS THIS
    17) similar values, goals in life
    18) wants two dogs also
    19) we travel together
    20) like similar music as me.
    21) is his own person
    22) manly. LOVES to row.
    23) chivalrous -pulls my chair, opens doors, pays for things, wants to protect me and care for me
    24) has a family that adores me and vice verse
    25) accepts and allows me to be who i am and vice versa
    26) encouraging and supportive (vice versa)
    27) has a normal size penis. not too big. not too small. i like the average size. works for me.
    28) is a good height (anywhere between 5’6″ and 5’11”)
    29) pursues me and wants to win me
    30) tells me i look beautful A LOT because that’s how he sees me
    31) sober in all areas
    32) takes responsibility for his own happiness and is a realitively happy guy
    33) has dreams and passions. is excited about his and mine. and vice versa. maybe even common dreams and passions? or something we could co create together?
    34) dresses cool
    35) is good with money. similar values.
    36) ideally younger than me. 🙂 by about eight or more years.
    37) buys me lingerie
    38) is pleased with me. vice versa.

    ??? I’m not sure what the other 12 characteristics would be. i will add those later.



  133.  #133Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 12:39 am

    HEy AG – thats cool that you wrote that! I wrote it too for the seminar im doing in LA. So far I felt furious at being excluded so that the men would feel “safe” sharing. I felt pist. that in itself was an experience. I have my list which is veryh interesting but its on another computer. I will post it up tomoorw.

    Right now i feel relaxed and kinda sleepy.



  134.  #134Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 12:39 am

    umm im not Terrance Thames lol… im Daria on Terrance’s computer! hahahahha



  135.  #135alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 12:41 am

    aw i feel really good maryann. that’s great. yes i feel agreeing. sharing makes a BIG difference. practicing and using the tools makes a difference.

    i FEEL a billion times better than i did pre rori. and pre siren island.

    i love who i am and i love my life and it’s not anybody else’s ideal life but it is mine and i feel very grateful.



  136.  #136Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 12:42 am

    it feels fun posting as Terrance… heyy ladies… wasup hehe…

    I’m a cool fun guy with smooth skin. I have a cat.



  137.  #137alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 12:44 am

    heehee thanks terrance, i mean daria! yes i feel excited to see your list.



  138.  #138Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 12:45 am

    I have strong sexy man shoulders. I did not want to give Daria a massage. I said i was tired and i went to sleep. But i did give her yummy sushi.



  139.  #139alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 12:48 am

    heehee i feel amused



  140.  #140alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 12:54 am

    things i want in a relationship/ ways i want to feel

    wanted
    loved
    protected
    cared for
    fun
    laughing
    private jokes that nobody else would probably find funny
    just being able to look at each other and know what’s up
    sexy
    good sex often
    prosperous
    spoiled
    goddess
    like i am with the best man in the world, my king, my god
    healthy
    excited
    passionate
    romanced
    loved
    adored
    admired
    turned on
    pursued
    understood
    accepted
    allowed to be who i am
    supported
    admiration for my manly man
    attracted
    inspired
    adoring
    inspiring
    loving
    amused
    excited
    adventurous
    special
    paid attention to



  141.  #141Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 12:55 am

    Ag you will love my list! Your list is inspiring. I like how you want to co create. I want that too. and likes same music as me. I like that also.

    My list has 3 separate things on penises lol.

    I will be able to put it up tomorrow.

    some of the things on my list are deal brakers, some are preferences.

    did Terrance’s cat just turn on the water? I feel a little bit spooked.

    I feel like knocking out Hrystian for telling me that the men need a “safe” space and a woman’s presence would change the energy. FUCK THAT

    I feel furious. I feel glad to feel this because it DOES NOT feel good to be discriminated against, and in the past I always stood for myself from the masculine. But this time in the feminine i felt helpless. in the masculine i wouldve said… hell naw this is bullshit. im not gonna go in another room, its gonna be fine, lets try it.

    would that work from the feminine too? I feel glad that my guy friends respected me and my masculine the way they would a man. they didnt treat most other girls that way, just me and my Godsister who had strong masculine and didnt let ourselves be excluded etc.

    or maybe im jsut confused

    but i didnt like feeling excluded. i feel resentful of that still.

    umm i want to focus on positive right now… i feel sleepy… i made the front of another DS Academics poster a couple days ago, it’ rocks, still want to adjust the pic. I feel sleepy.

    Nite nite sirens. I feel furious I LOVE MY FUR?Y. LOL! I want this seminar teaches me to access my power so that I WONT tolerate being segregated because of my gender! HA

    I FEEL MAD RAGE RAGE RAGE.. I feel ashamed I feel embarassed to tell you guys about it becaues I feel worried you will judge me as weak for not standing up for myself. Well I most certainly don’t think I would have allowed that for my daughter, I don’t think I would’ve like]d it. I FEEL MAD… I feel ashamed for having tolerated it, even though I did have a nice time when Terrance came to chill with me and also when we left. But just talking to Hrystian I didnt feel good. I felt PIST! And he’s the seminar leader. so GRR. I FEEL PIST. I feel frustrated and kinda powerless.

    I DONT LIKE FEELING LIKE THIS

    I love my feelings



  142.  #142Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 12:59 am

    Terrance doesnt really want monogamy right now. I feel tense in my tummy when he tells me his thoughts on it. he says he thinks men who are able to attract whatever women they want are not really going to want monogamy.

    I say it’s depending on the woman. At some point they are going to want THAT woman.

    Anyway I want monogamy. like AG i want a man that wants only me as his woman.

    yes

    I FEEL ASHAMED I LET FUCKIN HRYSTIAN TALK ME INTO SITTING OUT OF THEIR “MAN” seminar. MAYBE THE ENERGY WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER!!! WITH ME THERE! I FEEL DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.

    Hrystian seems to think I’m very feminine, I feel kinda insecure around him. I feel flattered and also kinda judged and insecure.



  143.  #143laughing goddess on October 10, 2009 at 12:59 am

    I feel love. I feel loving. I feel loved..for all of you, for myself, for my life, for J. I feel peace.

    I feel ready. I feel curious. I feel scared to risk getting hurt. I feel hopeful. I feel skillful. I feel scared because I feel the energy shifting towards what I want and that scares me. I feel unsure if I can have what I think I want. Could I really have a relationship with a man I feel so attracted to?



  144.  #144Terrance Thames on October 10, 2009 at 1:01 am

    Yay laughing Goddess! you go girl! Circular Dating is Whatsup.

    I feel weak not having the finances to “participate” as a man in teh seminar. If I paid for it i would be like fuck that. I’m participating.

    Anyway tomorrow and sunday I will be present and participating, but I guess so will other women. So i don’t feel special right now. I feel a little irked and jealous.

    I FEEL PIST! I FEEL PIST! I FEEL PIST!!! UGH!



  145.  #145Daria on October 10, 2009 at 1:02 am

    ok im back to posting as Daria now



  146.  #146alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 1:02 am

    in regards to this post of rori’s. i really like the teachings of abraham. they have changed my life. but honestly, they would not have resonated or been useful for me without first learning rori’s work and tools and also working with emily vanhorn.

    without really getting in touch with my feelings and learning to resource myself, abraham’s work would have just been— really not do-able for me. i was stuck and frozen. i had to thaw out first before i could feel anything.

    and the way i got in touch with my feelings was to say I FEEL as often as possible. and to try and really feel (and name) what it is that is going on with me in the moment.

    and riffing.

    feelings and riffing. and loving my feelings.

    and i’m not going to sugar coat it. i had some INTENSE feelings come up. some are documented on this blog and some are not. i don’t know how else to get to encourage someone to get to a good place other than start with where you’re at.

    and for me i had a lot of unresolved trauma and hardcore defense mechanisms. i had to learn boundaries and take baby step risks and tell people what my boundaries were.

    etc.



  147.  #147alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 1:07 am

    i feel convinced i can attract a man who wants monogamy. there are billions of people on the planet and billions of men. some of those men actually Want as a choice and preference Monogamy. and i will attract one of those men.

    and other people will attract what they want. that’s the really cool thing about life. there is so much diversity that everybody can be satisfied without feeling deprived.



  148.  #148Daria on October 10, 2009 at 1:08 am

    I feel pist at men that don’t recognize and respect my gangsta. This does not happen with gangsta* men. Can someone PLEASE help me find a different adjective than gangsta for what I want to say, I feel my eyes tearing up and I feel embarassed and ashamed. Maybe I want to embrace that.

    Yeah anyways I will. So anyways real gangsta guys realize that im a strong person and not “one of those girls” that you tell to go sit in the car while you’re having a man discussion. I always get out the car when i want to if i want to. Sometimes I don’t want to if I smoked and im feeling vulnerable of if im feeling really feminine. bUt i like to get out and flaunt that I CAN participate and i like MY FRIENDS the men that ENCOURAGE AND SUPPORT ME IN THIS.

    I feel pist that this wasn’t the case here (although Terrance would have done it) I feel judgemental of the men that wouldn’t have been able to “show up” with a woman present, they must be BITCHES!

    oops

    I feel revengeful lol. It wasn’t the men’s fault as participants they didn’t make the rules. I know who made the rules then apologized for it, then justified it and IT FELT FUCKIN AWFUL.

    It felt like someone tryna explain to me why girls can’t do Karate or win the Nobel prize or something. “well it will make the men feel insecure” go join my girlfriend’s “sacred women’s group” no men. No thanks. I don’t belive in “sacred intolerance” I feel PIST.



  149.  #149Daria on October 10, 2009 at 1:10 am

    AG yes! I feel i will attract a man that wants that TOO. There are lots of choices for everybody YAY!



  150.  #150alias girl on October 10, 2009 at 1:12 am

    speaking of abraham. here’s a cool website for anyone into abraham and/or the loa. and are working on prosperity.

    i am playing the prosperity game and am on day 15.

    heeeheee. i feel so good playing this game. so i wanted to share.

    http://www.choosingprosperity.com



  151.  #151Daria on October 10, 2009 at 1:15 am

    I love my guy friends and the relationship I had with them. Have. I love how they respect me. I love how they treat me fairly.

    I also love being in my feminine.

    I love ALL OF ME.

    I feel like punishing Hrystian by refusing to participate in his seminar. HE told me to express all my emotions through my body! well I cried already. I feel curious whether me punching him is an acceptable expression of my emotions through my body. I FEEL PIST OFF! I feel interested in making a huge drama scene tomorrow and not holding back on my pist offness. They are supposed to handle the fuckin drama. I don’t think they can handle it because I DDINT FEEL GOOD! AND THATS THE WHOLE FUCKIN POINT IM SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD!!

    UGH!’

    I DONT WANT TO BE UNDERSTADING> I DONT GIVE A FLHYING FUCK!



  152.  #152Daria on October 10, 2009 at 1:20 am

    I feel looked down on. i feel patronized! I FEEL PIST OFF. PIST OFF NOT LIKE CUTE !!

    Not like ohh shes so cute pist off. Pist off like whoa that bitch is ghetto and psycho pist off.

    I feel scared to express that to these “non-ghetto” people. I feel judgemental of them. I don’t think they could handle it.

    If I WAS TO START YELLING ARE YOU OUT YOUR FUCKIN MIND??? who the hell DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? YOU THINK ITS COOL TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST WOMEN? DO I LOOK LIKE A DUMBASS TO YOU??

    PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH

    RRRRR

    I punched the shit out of my little brother one time when he called me a bitch in front of everybody. triple time, just like he had taught me the day before. And like 3 guys jumped up and knocked me down. I could handle that but these men cant hande bein in the room with me??
    wtf??



  153.  #153gina on October 10, 2009 at 1:25 am

    is it leaning forward to say i love you first?



  154.  #154Katja on October 10, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Ladies! I need help. If a guy asks “Who am I for you?” and tells me that he isn’t the one for me etc. and tells me he hates to disappoint me,what should I answer? Should I even answer?

    I feel undecided about him,I have to admit that I used him for practising feeling messages and that I feel attracted to him but I feel unsure if I want anything more as I do not feel ready to be in a new relationship again. He said he is not capable to fulfill my expectations (even though he doesn’t even know my “expectations”). He is unavailable on some level and very afraid to get hurt but I am too. But I like him and enjoy our conversations and I would like to continue with that as I am able to see him as kind of a messenger who teaches me lessons about myself.

    I feel undecided if I should even respond to his last text message cause he seems to try to tell me that he has nothing to offer.

    What would you do?
    Thank you.
    K.



  155.  #155Linda on October 10, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Gina… it is.

    Jennifer F…. I read your post. I felt impressed with a couple of things… not about him but about you. It has taken me a long time to get in touch with feelings and giving myself permission to honor them. If you have unsettling feelings about this guy… honor your feelings right now. Dont go hang out with him if that is what you need to do. I used to find myself stuffing my offended feelings down and ignoring them because I would rationalize with them. say things like “you are being to sensitive” or “its not that big a deal” but really it was. I would sacrifice honoring myself and my convictions or feelings for another chance to be with a guy I was interested. I was driven by fear of loosing the chance for more interaction even if the interaction made me feel worse. Often times I would be miserable during the time I was spending because I had stuffed down things and was prentending it was ok and acting that things did not matter. In actuality it all mattered a great deal!….. so….. I began honoring my feelings. Putting them first even if they were off base or not healthy. I had to learn to love me and embrace all of me. The Healthy and Immature, the justified and the unjustified feelings. They are all mine. If I am driven to be with someone so badly that I come second and things that are really important to me get stuffed then ultimately I LOOSE. It is not what I want or will make me happy long term…. Just some things for you to consider and think about.

    Ok… I went out on a repeat circular date last night. I am not into this guy at all. Date 3 will be it for me. He is curious about me…. drives from an hour away to go out. Spends money on the date too. He made comments to me last night like….

    “You are hard to read”…. my response…” I am just being myself”. He wanted to know why a person (me) would go out with someone more than once if they were not really attracted to them. “was it just free dinner and not sitting at home on a Friday the reason”… I felt scrutinized and questioned. grrrr….

    “You look absolutely stunning tonight, your hair, makeup, you outfit”…. my response…”thank you very much”…..He said, “I feel underdressed”…. my response…
    “you put on what you felt comfortable in didn’t you?” it is fine…. I wore what I wanted to. (I must say I did look and feel pretty good. Lepard print heals, jeans, cute white shirt and and new leather blazer. Ladies I felt hot.. when walked into the restaurant, “I could feel eyes and heads turn” . I felt so good… that I gave myself permission to dress just like I was feeling and confidently wore it out in public….. a huge step for me.
    (We did not even look like we belonged together) lol

    “You seem reserved and you never touch me”…. my response…” Let me be honest, I used to be more open with common touch, but since I started dating, men seemed to take that as I sending them signals that I was wanting to sleep with them casually,” … “my experience has been that men hang around long enough, express interest long enough… to try to get in my pants and see if I will put out”…. (yes I said it just like that too)!!!! I said, “that is not who I am or what I am about or looking for”….. “so I dont touch much now”
    I did not feel warm, inviting, or open to this guy anyway…so be it!

    “You dont text, or call, or email, how do I know if you are interested in me”…… my response ” you are right”

    “do you know what you want”….. my response I looked him square in the eye and said…. “Yes, I know exactly what I want”. I started to fill in the blanks for him but I did not want to hurt him. There is no reason for that.

    I dont dislike him but he does nothing for me. I felt alone and disconnected with him in the restaurant and in the truck…. (a huge diesel truck that bounced me around like a sack of potatos….. but a beautiful sack of them at that)….. LOL

    He drives to me, pays, plans the dates, is complementary, jokes… but…he is not for me. Attraction has not sparked for me and I have given it 3 tries now. He asked me to go to the movies Sunday… I said I would get back with him.

    I shared this because I felt victorious in being in touch with what I was feeling even it is was disconnect. I wont waste anymore of his time or mine. Funny he has said that women he has dated that he has told “just dont work” for him…seem to not hear him and keep texting and keeping in touch”….

    I am learning so much from these circular dates. I thought about “Mr Scrutiny” last night. Missed how we connected and how we flowed together. My feelings with him and this guy were so different. Listening to my feelings and honoring them is key for me. I magic key and has unlocked me.

    I feel grateful, and free, and unobligated. I feel pretty, and confident and actually begining to feel whole. Now I just want to be warm and confident and me… even the men I am not attracted to. I want to stay centered and grounded with men that I am attracted to. These are my next goals. More tweeking and makeoverish stuff for me.

    Oh by the way, I got my hair cut yesterday….. it looks good! Just more of the confidence inside coming out for the world to see!….. It is all good.

    Linda



  156.  #156Linda on October 10, 2009 at 7:18 am

    Katja…. believe him and move on. Dont take him on as a project (one of my old habits). Try to keep your focus on you and what you want and need. Walk away.

    The thing you might just find is that he will so so intrigued with your acceptance of his excusing his emotional unavailability that he might just open up more. Either way you win. You will get a more open version of him or have saved yourself the investment of time into someone that wont give you what you are going to want and need when you are ready too. There will be new messengers and you want a guy that is healthy and giving when you are ready anyway.

    Hugs… Linda



  157.  #157Katja on October 10, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Thank you,Linda. It’s really hard to change old habits,I struggle from time to time. Usually I would try now to convince him somehow even with seemingly honest expressions of my feelings but the truth is that this won’t work and I would feel worse afterwards. You are right,I should just walk away. What would I want with a guy who doesn’t have anything to offer?! It will take a lot of strength to leave it with this and not respond. But if I struggle I will come back here and seek help from all you wonderful sirens 🙂

    Thank you again,Linda. Feels good to hear your advice.

    The only thing that keeps coming back into my mind about this guy is that he wrote something on his blog about me…how challenging I am and how thrilled he is and that he misses me and longs for me and that he is fighting with himself about getting in touch with me but that he isn’t capable to fulfill my expectations and is afraid of the pain I could cause (he is a musician and needs to be free on some level and not tied to anyone’s strings as he is on the road a lot and I guess he assumes I would want him to give that up). It just feels so annoying to know that we are both attracted to each other but are both afraid to let anyone into our hearts as we are so afraid to get hurt. Oh,and he doesn’t know that I read this blog-entry about me. It feels weird to know his thoughts and to know that there is nothing I could do.

    Hugs and love,
    K.



  158.  #158Tina on October 10, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Linda, that’s great news, glad to hear it. I still dont know what I want, I made my mental list of qualities/characteristics/looks oh I dont know what I want from a man really, I know I want good stuff lol. I have three goals this year and none have to do with a man. I am trusting the process though and the quality of men will get better and better until I met “him”. If you learned anything from his message its you are learning to strenghten your bounderies.

    Your date knows he’s met a goddess poor guy lol. I dont think he knows what to do. My experience has been when they are questioning me, it’s an attempt to ‘turn the tables” I’m glad you handled yourself the way you did. I am going on a date with a man tomorrow , he says that he can “read” my body language and that I wanted to speak to him at one point. He does teach languages though lol. This should be interesting. I will at least learn something from him.



  159.  #159Mary Ann on October 10, 2009 at 8:08 am

    So I still feel great about what I did last night..(or didn’t do lol) but now I’m nervous about if he meant what he said. I’m hoping he didn’t have too many drinks to remember our conversation I don’t think so but who knows..I feel like asking him but that would mean I have to call or text him so I won’t but I feel scared that he really didn’t hear me. I did feel heard at the time. Isn’t it funny how we can feel so great about something and then we chip away at it? UGGG i hate when I do that. stopping right now. He will do what he’s going to do. I had a wonderful dream about him..we were in a big place..not sure what it was…he was present and affectionate and happy and so was I. Then we were somewhere else and we were sleeping in separate rooms, but I went to his room and snuggled up next to him clothed. It was nice 🙂 Sometimes I dream the future..I wonder if this is one of those times…



  160.  #160Nikita on October 10, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Gina,

    I just got here haven’t read everything but it is leaning forward to say I love you first….but saying.. I love your eyes, I love your smile, I love how you make me feel…all gentle and feminine expressions.

    xx nikita.



  161.  #161Linda on October 11, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Katja… you are welcome. I am speaking from experience here unfortunately. When a man says those things, it is fear talking. What he typed is true too. He has a inner struggle going on right now. Honor what he says, believe him. You might just find as you distance yourself that he will find some inner pocket of “stepping it up man” ….

    I have been dealing with something quite similar and I let it go and agreed with him. Now after 6 weeks of no contact with him he is suddenly initiating contact. I have not responded, though I have wanted to because I care very much for him but I have learned to love myself more…. I have got to honor what I need and want before a man. This guy has told me more that once that “I just am not what he is looking for or what he needs and he just cant commit”… but lol he is such a liar…. lol He just sent me a email asking me what is it does to me everytime I see his picture on the dating website we met on. I know that sound self centered but the fact that he titled it “messin with me” tells it all. I am that woman that he cant dismiss its killin him that I have been quiet and he knows I am dating. It will either cause him to step up or bow out. Time will tell…. I will probably answer this one today. The truth is everytime I see his picture it my heart and soul is deeply stirred….. letting him realize that about me in my absence and silence is most likely what has taken place for him…but I will not assume that…. I am simply having fun with this one right now. It is not my nature to leave things alone and pop into a boy energy going after what I want … but this time with the help of this blog and these great ladies… I am responding to him as a girl. a yummy goddessey girl…. with feeling messages when I think the time is right. I shared earlier that he was undergoing an internal makeover even though there was no contact going on between us…. I have my confirmation that its true…

    Agreeing with a guy where he is at is healthy. It is healthy for you, because you dont want him like he is anyway… it has to be their idea they want you anyway we want them to row the boat.

    Hugs Linda



  162.  #162alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    “Agreeing with a guy where he is at is healthy…

    … it has to be their idea they want you anyway we want them to row the boat.” – linda

    yes. i feel nodding my head and yes!

    🙂



  163.  #163Katja on October 11, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Thank you again,Linda. I know that this is true,its his fear that speaks and there is a struggle going on within him. I have been there myself,so I know whats going on. I did not contact him and I will not do so in the future. If he is ready he will step up. If not I will be ok with it (cause there are millions of men!). I will let you know what happens.

    Hugs and love,
    K.

    And thank you for sharing your story. Its really helpful to read others stories. I am really busy right now,so sorry for not writing more,but I will be back here tomorrow…



  164.  #164janjune on October 11, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    Linda,
    I felt connected with your comments on an earlier post about my riffing feeling venomey. Yes I can feel the vemon and fire and acidic anger now even though it was sadness that got it started. Very purging.

    L.U.V., luv your comment about how you handled your date with Mr. Diesel.

    As to his question:
    “was it just free dinner and not sitting at home on a Friday the reason”… I felt scrutinized and questioned. grrrr….”

    I’m thinking of all kinds of smarty-pants answers to that!
    1. I wouldn’t *Be* sitting at home on a Friday night!
    2. Did you think you were entitled to something other than a casual date with a beautiful woman when you asked me out for dinner tonight?
    3. (head tilted) Do I *look* like I can’t afford to buy my own dinner if I wanted to?
    4. (head tilted again and a smile) A *free* dinner isn’t free unless the company is good….Okay now that’s getting a little caustic, but…geesh it was a loaded question!
    No, I wouldn’t say #4.

    It sounds life you looked smashing in your leopard shoes jeans and leather blazer! It was his lucky night!

    I’ve got a second date coming up Tuesday which I really want to go on but I was wondering about what to say if he starts asking questions about getting “friendlier” than I feel comfortable with because when we talk on the phone he always says something about cuddling and that kind of thing.

    WELL< after I read your comment I realized that guys have their own version of ‘THE TALK”.
    —*we* want to ask about their committment to us, but wait six months to do it.
    —*they* spring their “WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING OUT AND WHEN AM I GOING TO GET IT?” talk on us on the first or second date!

    I don’t know what I’m going to say if this comes up but your comment above has helped provide a little stucture.
    Plus I just plain LUV what you told him:
    “You seem reserved and you never touch me”…. my response…” Let me be honest, I used to be more open with common touch, but since I started dating, men seemed to take that as I sending them signals that I was wanting to sleep with them casually,” … “my experience has been that men hang around long enough, express interest long enough… to try to get in my pants and see if I will put out”…. (yes I said it just like that too)!!!! I said, “that is not who I am or what I am about or looking for”….. “so I dont touch much now”

    That is just TRUE TRUE TRUE, so why NOT say it!

    The first on-line date I had got into acting like I was wasting his precious time if I wasn’t headed for the bedromm, nd I just told him this:
    “Well, to tell you the truth, I actually have no intention of sleeping with a man until I’m married.”
    Then I just sat there looking at him. Not angry, just looking with a pleasant look on my face.
    He was somewhat angry, and said “well, there *is* the Friends Network, you know!” Anyway, after that he got kind of sweet and told me to watch it because it was a “meat market” out there and talked about what to watch out for. Which I thought was nice. I didn’t hear from him again though.

    janjune



  165.  #165janjune on October 11, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    daria posting as Terrance Thames, that’s hilarious~!



  166.  #166Linda on October 12, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    I am glad to inspire… even though my learning and experiencing all this is taxing and draining.

    i just want the man I want to step up and take me away. I deserve it. I am a beautiful woman with so much to offer. I dont want a hayseed looking man.
    I dont want Mr Diesel and his stupid questions
    I dont want a man that cant speak the enlish language correctly and use the word “fixin” to do something.
    I am sick of shallow, self centered men.
    I dont want to answer text messages from old dates that ask how I am only. They dont really give a F**K
    I dont want any more e-mails from him.
    I dont want to feel all stirred up when I see his picture anymore.
    I dont want to feel love for him anymore
    I dont want to hope that dream I had in May will come true.
    I dont care if he has darts everytime he sees my picture
    I hope he bleeds to death! It serves him right
    I dont want to wished well and peace and to be careful and to protect myself!!!
    I dont want to be patronized and told how clever I am!

    Sometimes I feel so absolutely stupid!

    Linda

    I



  167.  #167Linda on October 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Sorry, I should have posted this on the next one, but it all just came out!… Mr Scrutiny does not intend on ever really loving me and being real…. how sad a man he is.



  168.  #168Daria on October 12, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Gina –

    I have said “I feel so much love for you right now!” and did not feel lean forward.



  169.  #169Daria on October 13, 2009 at 12:27 am

    I feel triggered reading about the word fixing and “using the English language correctly” I feel judged! and judging!

    I feel curious.



  170.  #170debbie hissett on October 13, 2009 at 9:53 am

    In a email he told me he thinks of me often and is becoming attached, but however he only wants great friendship and more to start.

    What do I say he wants to know if on the same page with him?



  171.  #171Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Welcome debbie hissett – and this one is EASY! You are DATING him. Only that. So, it doesn’t matter WHAT you do. Just don’t sleep with him. Go out with him as you would any other man. And if he says all he wants is friendship – you say…”I’m looking for a real real relationship, not a friendship, and though I enjoy being with you a friendship won’t be enough for me…so I don’t feel sure what to say, but I know I don’t want a friendship only, and certainly not a friendship with “benefits.” What do you think?” And if this is just online, no real contact…I wouldn’t put any more energy into it at all until you actually meet. Love, Rori



  172.  #172Shanti Moon on January 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Rori, a man I have been dating for 1 year wrote me this (see bellow) a week after he broke up with me. At the time of breaking up he asked if we could still be friends. I said no. That I just wanted to move on. Then this. We may still be just dating but I told him I wanted to know what the purpose of our dating was for him. I sad that it feels good to spend time with him but that I don’t want to be the girlfriend for now. He then said, “So are you breaking up with me and started to cry. I said no, That I just wanted to be clear on why we were spending time together.

    I felt so mad at this letter. It has been a week since I received it. What should I do with it? I do miss him but I’m not broken. I am also seeing another man.

    Shanti,
    Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and love you even though I couldn’t commit to you. I couldn’t commit for reasons within me and not for anything you did or didn’t do. You may know this already but I just wanted to make this clear and reassure you. I think your wonderful, caring, nurturing, giving, loyal, warm, and loving. I wish unconditional love for you in the new year.
    love
    Dave



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