Ask Your Questions Here – And I’ll Answer In New Posts

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I so want to answer every single question I get from you, so want to hear every single step you take and every story you so graciously write me about –

I thought it might make it easier and faster for me to give you the most help I can by simply working my answers to your questions into my posts…

…so – after you comment and work through my new Tools in other posts, go ahead and post your stories and your questions here as comments, and I’ll jump off of them into more new posts – (I’ll let you know with a link where to find the new posts).

I love hearing from you, so let’s see how this works!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1alias girl on October 12, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    hi rori. i have a question. i seem to be too picky. i try not to be. everytime i say to myself, ok i’m going to give this guy a chance. he seems decent enough. and then some horrible thing will come out of his mouth that seems like a deal breaker (ie living with his mother, making a sexual comment waaaayyy too early, referring to overweight women as heiffers, texting as first contact instead of calling…) it just seems i can always find a strong argument about why these are red flags for men i was only so so interested in to begin with. i mean i seem to have become a man magnet but how do i raise the quality of these men? what about ME is attracting low quality men? am i low quality and just unaware of it and these men are reflecting that back to me? what tool can i use to attract my dream man?

  2.  #2Daria on October 12, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    ditto with alias girl! Especially about the texting…

  3.  #3Maria on October 13, 2008 at 6:24 am

    Hi Rori,
    My boyfriend and I for almost 2 years now are often more off than on. (On and Off) Of course I’ve done all the things should not do. However he told me he needed some space away from me. Has stopped calling me. I know we love eachother, but how do I get him back. I want a committed relationship with him, he’s obviously not ready said he wants his freedom. I’ve ordered all your materials and am waiting for it. Read your ebook and started circular dating. It’s been phenonomal! My question to you is do I tell my boyfriend I’m circular dating? Do I go to see him when he calls me? Should I answer his calls at all? Please help!!!

  4.  #4Marplot on October 13, 2008 at 8:40 am

    I have the same problem as alias girl too. I ended up rejecting a few guys because they smoked pot, had a hairstyle that matched mine (long wavy brown hair), was a little too redneck for my taste or because they seemed too desperate.

    I also have anther problem. My crush seems to be pretty depress and he never calls anyone: not his parents nor his friends. He basically just waits in his room until someone comes over and drags him out. He has told me that he is depressed. I offered to help him go see the school counselor to get advice and he refused (probably because I was using too much masculine energy). I’m guessing that I should just leave him alone and let him deal with it. Do you have any tools to deal with men that are depressed?

  5.  #5Rori Raye on October 13, 2008 at 9:42 am

    Fantastic! I’m writing this out as several posts in this category, now…(look for the messages from the other posts here, so you can easily find the one that is about you…)

    Love, Rori

  6.  #6Reshi on October 13, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    My question would be this: I am currently married to what used to be a Good Man–he was loving and wonderful and attentive right up until the wedding day, and then for whatever reason (probably the reasons aren’t that important right now) we started fighting and the affection declined and now we’re in a situation where he doesn’t even think he loves me anymore–yet he’s still in the relationship, wearing his ring (we weren’t wearing them for a month or so after things really got bad), not seeing anyone else that I know of. He sleeps in the guest room, won’t have sex with me, won’t kiss me unless I ask him to–and I don’t want to be asking him to–yet he will hug me and randomly pet my head on quite a frequent basis.
    Now I’ve been using your Tools and things are a lot better than they were a few months ago (when we really weren’t even speaking to each other beyond what was absolutely necessary), but how can I really turn this around to where I have the relationship I want and my man is happy too?

  7.  #7Reshi on October 13, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    I should add, when it comes to sex, I was definitely the one initiating it throughout most of our marriage, and he complains that he always feels pressured and that he doesn’t want to be party to that. And maybe there’s a part of me that feels I’m so defective as a woman that I can’t ever have sexual intimacy unless I MAKE it happen, and maybe that part was running me for the past 6 years. I would like to turn it around so that HE is the one coming toward ME for intimacy.

  8.  #8Marplot on October 15, 2008 at 4:58 am

    I just decided to give up on my crush. Its been two years and I have been upfront with him- but he never seemed to be attracted to me.

    So I called him and told him that I needed a break and that I needed his help to get over him. I told him that its been two year and I feel like he will never love me. He said that I can’t really say that because we can’t see the future. But I decided that I can’t be friends like he wanted with him because I’m too attracted to him. He has agreed to help me out in not seeing him. But he said that he would like to see me later after its over. I doubt that would happen.

    I have tried the feeling messages, but I can’t seem to stop blaming him for not loving me. I feel hopeless about the relationship. I have only a year and a half until we graduate to fix this- after that we will never see each other again.

    Last night I called him and told him that I can’t just be friends because I’m too attracted to him. I told him that I needed a break and that I needed his help to stop seeing him. Now I feel really scared!

    All I have to do is avoid seeing him. I’m afraid that I will not be able to stay away from him. I’m glad that I’m worried because it shows that I care about myself. I guess that I just need to make lots of new friends so that I can have some one to help me out, when relationship ends.

  9.  #9Marplot on October 15, 2008 at 5:18 am

    I’m just tried of being rejected over and over. I’m tired of him telling that regrets making out with me. Now he tells me that hugs are off limits. During summer break I didn’t call him for 3 months and he never tried to call me. However, when school started he did come over and visit. I can’t relay on him. I have to use this as a chance to meet new people- mostly women. I’m free now, I can be dependent on him no longer.

  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 15, 2008 at 10:58 am

    Marplot, okay – this is going to call for some bravery and determination. I’m going to write a new post around your situation…look for it here…

  11.  #11Lin on October 20, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    I have been doing the tools… and my x is saying all the right things that I love to hear.

    His actions are saying he does not love me.
    and he is alone each night by his self.

    He is total feminine energy… if I call him. he is happy,. if I do not call him.. he does not call.

    I can do what I want to do.. nothing matters to him…. just like his x wife.of 20yrs.. she can have a boyfriend… and he still does things to take care of her… and I said to him… what do you think I am doing.. while we are not together.
    and he said.. working… I said.. OK.

    He does not ask questions…
    I was with this man for 4 years… I am so furious… so angry… feel so foolish….

    He says… I am so pretty.. and he says he loves
    me,,. and he says we will be together soon.
    He says we belong together.
    He says we will be married. he says all the most wonderful things … always…
    He says… I am the most important thing in his life…
    he does not call… me… I just text ed him
    and said… call me… he did.. I did not answer
    cause I am so angry…. I don’t want to blow it.
    but I feel so upset…. and crazy angry with him.
    cause he is so clueless…. or he is just a lier.
    and playing with me… but why..?
    We are 60 yr. old and both in great shape.
    and we were so happy together.. until it comes to his x.. who really has a boyfriend.
    and its a long time relationship.
    we were together 4 yrs… every day. he use to call me 6 times a day just to check in.
    we ate dinner together every night.. since
    his x came BACK AFTER BEING IN ANOTHER STATE.. for 1 year and him and we rented out the condo he lived in… and he moved into the house he bought for her to raise his son in and now the son is in college.. we were renting out that house.. until she came back
    to live here in this city again.with her dog. that needs to feel at home. and so she can be closer to her boyfriend… he let her move in with him… and we fell apart… he says that’s not the reason… he says its due to his long hours at his work.. that changed the way we see each other.. which is totally crazy talk.

    We fell apart due to her coming back…
    they live on separate sides of the house.
    he says they don’t talk… and never see each other.. I don’t believe they don’t talk… He acts
    whipped over her.. she I don’t think cares about him… as in love.. other than uses him.

    I need to get away.. quick… as all this is making me crazy… listening to him.. he lives 2 minutes away from me..
    He insists that he has no interest in his x for a lover or relationship. he wants her to be married. I told him.. that her boyfriend must hate her living at the house as I do… and he acts like clueless .. why? should the boyfriend feel that way… I said.. what if my x moved in with me… how would you feel… no answer.
    Rori, what is the answer… I know I sound desperate… and I am..
    my son is coming in to help me this weekend
    and my x is helping him fix my house..
    and I don’t want to blow this… I want my x back
    and I want to marry him.. I just want to get to the truth.. with my x.;.. . when I have power speeches… he loves it.. and its good…. talk is good.
    Its hard for me to believe this man could be so mean.. and lie to me.. just to keep me at bay.

    I think he would love me to get crazy and go to the house.. and show the x that I am a crazy person. who loves him… He is completely unemotional… about anything…. is there something very wrong with him.?
    maybe he is toxic…. however…I have been believing him.. and staying away.. and now.
    he is..,, suppose to be with me this weekend.
    and I am ready to blow it.. the whole thing.
    cause he only calls when I make the first call.
    the tools for angry.. is not enough.. I need more.. !!
    well, you told me.. that once I realised he was
    feminine energy… I would be just bored..
    actually I am not…
    I can go out and attract many men.. I am comfortable with that… I feel good about my self… I really do… its just I found him.. and I love him… and I don’t want another guy.
    I love him.. before him… I did not love anyone
    for 13 years… and just gave up men completely,. other than friendship…. did I give you enough information… if this man just does not love me.. then nothing matter what I do …call , not call… its a pretend relationship\now… but it was not a month ago,
    If I ever caught him doing anything with another women.. its would be over for me..
    but he is always where he says he is…trust me on this…. the fact is .. I have all the emotions
    and he just is very content.. as things go along.
    without emotion.
    He just called me right now.. and asked questions… said he was working all weekend.
    He was home already from work.. I said.. great
    then we can have dinner.. and he said not to night he had a wine dinner to go to…. see..
    I am just not important… but he said tommorw night and we will get everything we need to fix my house.. and I asked about his x.. and he said not they did not talk and she is a b….h.
    which he never says…. so.. should I just give up…. busy for him..
    I said.. I will go with him.. to the dinner and he said.. there will be many more dinners and he would love me to attend with him.. he is take me to all that he can from now on… see Rori.
    he always says the right thing… about tommorow… So no.. I am not being understanding… but what choice do I have.
    He hears the fustration.. inside me… and he enjoys.. it .. cause it makes him feel loved..
    and wanted… ..
    I think I am beyond help….


  12.  #12Hurting on October 21, 2008 at 11:42 am

    I’m really sorry but I meant to post here and accidentally posted on the Boyfriend Wanting More Space blog. Should I repost here? My apologies.

    LIn I totally feel your pain. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

  13.  #13DocK on October 23, 2008 at 7:16 am

    What if a guy “picks up on” the use of “feel” this and “feel” that and thinks it’s a little odd? Also, the power speech, “I don’t want to be that person…” set him off with “what is this ‘be that person’ stuff” – are you too focused on perceptions of you?” Perhaps, can make same speech but in words that are more authentic to my way of speaking?

  14.  #14Baby Blue Eyes on October 23, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have a queston for you about the ‘Girlfriend Trap’. I love the concept but, if a man officially asks a lady to be his ‘girlfriend’, how does one decline – without putting him ‘off’?

  15.  #15Becca on October 23, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am loving reading your Tools and feel happier now that I am learning how to lean back from the men in my life. I just wish I had found your material 3 months earlier when my relationship was breaking up. Which leads me to my question…
    My (ex)boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me 3 months ago. Since then I have been working on myself and how I feel. Going out with friends and generally just doing what I want. Being selfish, I guess 😛 . The problem is – I still love him.
    We had a period of no contact but got back in contact again about 2 months ago. First it was just short friendly but impersonal emails, but over the last month we have met up 3 times in person (and we have fun together again! though I can feel barriers between us as things have changed). Everytime I see him I just wish that we could have a second chance. The reason we broke up is that I was always negative and overfunctioning in the last couple of months of our relationship. The more I gave, the more tired and stressed I felt and the further he went from me until he couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with me. This was a HUGE wake up call for me. I then realised that I had to put myself first (instead of him) and learn to love and cherish myself and how I feel. If only I had your Tools and insights back then, Rori, I may have turned this around 🙁 I feel sad and melancholy that I couldn’t use my feminine energy when I needed to, but I also feel happy and glad and love that I have had this chance to learn – before I repeated these mistakes again.
    I am learning that I do not need to be perfect to love myself 🙂 and I am learning to treasure my feelings and act from my heart. But I would like to have another relationship with him. I feel that we are still a good match and our future goals and dreams also match. How can I move from being tentative friends back to lovers again? Is it ok to use feeling messages on everyone (including the ex)? Or are these only for the man that you’re actually with?
    Thank you so much Rori for giving me hope and tools for all furture relationships wherever they may lead!


  16.  #16Rori Raye on October 23, 2008 at 8:07 pm

    Dock, Thank you for the great question. If you do Feeling Messages correctly – he won’t notice. I had a client laughing so hard in a group one evening, we were all falling off the chairs – her story was: she’d used the word “Feel” in a single conversation with her husband at least 50 times. (She’d gone back over the conversation and actually COUNTED them.)

    Not only did her normally very cold and busy husband not NOTICE all the “Feels” – the next day he gave her a gorgeous pair of earrings – out of the blue!

    So just practice, don’t worry, and work the Feeling Messages out beforehand with at least my eBook or the Toolkit, so you get them right.

    And Becca, Welcome to you! – AND – you use Feeling Messages with EVERYONE – man, woman, child, old man, family – to practice. And it’s also great in very many WORK situations, too –

    Do NOT accept the label “Friend” with this man right now! Just work on your Siren-ness, use Feeling Messages when he calls, and if he shows up and wants to talk (if you stay away from him – he just may) – BE DIFFERENT – just the way you’re working at it already.

    Use every minute of practice now to shift yourself so much that you feel SAFE to him, so that he can get close to you, and feel attracted to you – and see what happens.

    And in the meantime, you’re dating so mnay other men, you may forget him!

    Love, Rori

  17.  #17Aj on October 25, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am in a long distance…possibly “imaginary” relationship. We met 10 months ago and have seen each other twice. He texts me every day, although we don’t talk much over the phone due to our schedules and time difference. I have taken your advice and have been loving myself and keeping my options open with other men. However, I feel soooo STUCK! I really like this guy and want to be with him….but he has not made any initiation of the commitment talk and often refers to me as his “friend”. I want to just tell him….look buddy, don’t waste my time! Do you want to be with me or not? And I have hinted to that train of thought before but have not come right out and said it. I’ve heard him say that he wants to give me a great relationship and that because of the distance he feels like he can’t and it wouldn’t be fair. He said he thinks there is a huge significance to our relationship but he thinks it’s not the right time. I am beginning to feel like a fool for hanging in there for 10 months with no committment. He has hinted that he wants me to move or him to move as to be closer but hasn’t come right out and said it. My question is….should I move? How can I move with no engagement/commitment. BUT….how can I give a commitment when I don’t really know him well enough? When I’ve never seen him upclose and personal? Should I move on a trial basis and see how it goes? I’m just so confused and feeling like giving up….but somehow he got into my heart 🙂 Don’t know what to do! Thank you for reading this and any response will surely help me.

  18.  #18p on October 26, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Hi Rori. Actually my mom turned me on to your site and I think it’s awesome! I am younger (late teens) and am not looking for marriage right now of course but do like to date in steady relationships. I am lucky enough to be pretty attractive and have a good figure fairly naturaly. I do attract boys but the quality seems to be going down lately. I don’t like that. I have had some high quality guys ,one in particular , an honest to God true love but thats another story.
    Right now i am writing with a question about a boy I have just broken off with. It was kind of a mutal decission,Idon’t know why. We started going out in the summer. He had told he had liked me for years. Now he was going to take his chance to date me. I liked him too. We hit it off great. Attraction strong. But then school started back up and we attend different high schools. That was ok , better in some ways but a bit harder to see each other. He introduced me to all his friends ( a first for him apparently) they all liked me called him “the man” for getting me.We had fairly open communication about what we needed regarding time alone with friends, time together etc etc what made us uncomfortable and such and we seemed to agree. Things were going ok but not as well as summer. We started to fight a lot. I couldn’t see him due to promises to a girlfriend, or he broke a plan or forgot he made one ! Then we’d try and talk it out to fix it. I am his first serious girlfriend. He never dated anyone longer than about two weeks. He said he fell in love with me after about a month. He sent me gorrrgeous long stemmed white roses for our two month aniversary. He is smart and cute and funny and respectful towards me. BUT I don’t know , he seemed to break plans or not follow through a bunch of times. I started to feel as though Iwasn’t important enough to him. He has some A.D.D. issues and can’t always follow through so easily. He would try to make up for disappointments if any occured by coming to my family functions always and really participating in them not just glumly sitting around “paying dues” . He honestly tried I think for me . He told me he was new at real relationships and didn’t quite know how they should work.And I loved him for this. But he started saying he does all the work in the relationship and that I treat him like shit . Also that he is much more sexual than me and that feelings have to come with physical for him. I hadn’t had sex with him .
    I am confused. I told him I didn’t think things were working well and he said ” fine we’re through”. The next day he started texting me , I didnt answer. He attempted again. I don’t know what to think here..or feel. I like him , I do . I see him as a person whom I would possibly like to spend the next year with. But I wonder, is he so new to this that I can’t (and maybe he can’t) handle it ? Is he just looking ultimately for sex? (although he has had this several times and is quite sought after in his school,so not too much trouble for him there).Is he just a “pond” and needs to be the one that receives? I thought I treated him fairly well , but if I don’t feel like his first priority , why would I or how could I make him mine? Should we talk this out again ? or should I just let it go and try and move on to see if there is a better fit for me. Problem is , he is the first boy in a while i have felt that I have a possiblity of really letting go with and feeling love towards.I want that and miss having that. I do care about him. I am no prize either. I am goodlooking and treat him well I think ,but I do have anger flashes and am “bitchy” at times but can admit when I’m wrong. AARRghhh I’m lost. If I wanted to try again I don’t even know what to do at this point. HELP

  19.  #19Cassandra on October 27, 2008 at 8:49 am

    First of all….Rori….You are a blessing bigger than any words could express….secondly to all of the other strong women on this blog you are all an inspiration. Thank you. (I had posted this originally following another post that you had done but then found this one and thought that perhaps I should have posted it here instead so I added it to this one. I hope that is ok.)

    My situation is this….I moved from a very comfortable life in another state and city nearly a year ago to marry my boyfriend. We were going to go to the justice of the peace so we did not require alot of big, fancy plans. 1 month after I got here he announced (with no discussion whatsoever) that we would not be getting married in the timeframe that we had discussed but that he could not tell me exactly when we would marry – only that he does love me and will marry me…someday. (Oh and that we would not be having children once we do get married) I gave up everything for this man yet now am in a city where I know absolutely NO ONE and have no where to go. He has become someone that I don’t even know. He does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants with NO REGARD for me or my feelings and is the most selfish man that I have ever met (A Narcissist perhaps??). In addition, I was layed off of my job the end of July and have not been able to find another job. I am living in ‘our home’ but he is gone Monday through Friday, working – he is an over the road truck driver. When he does come home on the weekends he is ‘out with the guys’ and does not include me in any of them. I decided last week that I am indeed done but my question is this – while I do still love him – I no longer respect him but I have no where else to go until I can get a job and get back out there on my own. What now?? My entire life is on hold because of all of this. I am so sorry that this is so long but any help that you can offer would be so greatly appreciated as I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a black hole of depression. I am also terrified of being back out there on my own – alone even though I am totally alone now.

  20.  #20Rori Raye on October 27, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    Cassandra – I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this – the feeling of betrayal must be intense, and I hear – overwhelming – for you, and although I can’t offer you a magic bullet, I want to offer you support and re-enforce your faith in yourself.

    Here’s the most important part of your letter:
    “My entire life is on hold because of all of this.”

    Take your life off hold. Get out some paper and pencil. Do the Tools on this blog and in my book and programs – Love Yourself. Make a plan for yourself, create some small action steps, and get out from under this man. You say you had a comfortable life. If you did that for yourself before – you can do it again. Even better, this time, because you’re wiser.

    As you start taking care of yourself and creating a NEW life for yourself – this man might LOOK like he’s stepping up. And I want you to beware. Ignore him. He does not want to marry, he does not want children. He’s TOXIC. Please move on. NOW. As you work with the Tools and get your life together, we’ll get you the relationship of your dreams – for now – one step at a time, and these steps have nothing to do with him. Hats off to YOU! Love, Rori

  21.  #21Rori Raye on October 27, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    p – Thank you for your question. Okay – this is going to be very different. If you are in High School or college (undergraduate), this is the ONLY time to be a ‘Girlfriend.” It’s because you have to learn how, you have to get a FEEL for it, you have to practice the Tools with someone you see often.

    And in High School and College, you usually can “hang out” with a guy nearly every day – you see each other, you eat lunch together, you are in a group together.

    In the culture of High School – there is really no such thing as “Circular Dating,” because you are all in such close quarters together. In your case, because you are in a different High School from your boyfriend – you’re so LUCKY, because you don’t have to worry about every thing you do and say with him being totally public. You don’t have to worry about how things “look.” You can focus on your studies and your friends and your future.

    Here’s the thing. This is where you have to blow through these guys fast. Watch the movie “Juno” – not for it’s message about sex and motherhood – but for it’s message of how Juno and her boyfriends’ relationship develops, and how they are FRIENDS first, and how she is able to see him in sexual terms AND as friends all at the same time. That’s what you want to work on.

    This is where you learn to feel your way through things. If a guy makes you feel good, you stick with him. If he makes you feel bad, you dump him. You go “next!” Simple. This is the most important thing you can learn.

    Give a guy a chance, maybe two, and then drop him and move on to someone else if he’s not making you happy.

    You are in charge of loving yourself so much, and encouraging your girlfriends to love themselves so much that all of you – together – will train all the men you come in contact with to treat women lovingly.

    You are in charge of the next generation of men. If you let them treat you badly, or even simply indifferently – that’s the kind of man you’ll see out there in 10 years.

    Don’t let it happen. Start now to honor yourself in every moment.

    Love, Rori

  22.  #22Rori Raye on October 27, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    Aj – Thank you for your question – and here’s the answer:

    Do not WAIT for him.

    Whatever he’s doing is fine – but YOU have to keep living your life. And that means – yes – Circular Dating.

    You just date at home, and talk to your long-distance fellow, and if the discussion about exclusivity develops – just tell him you can’t be exclusive without an engagement and plans to marry and how you’ll do that logistically, that you love him and want that to happen, and that he can take all the time he needs to decide, but you can’t wait for him to decide what to do.

    Love, Rori

  23.  #23Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 6:21 am

    Thank you SO MUCH for your response. As I read what you had written to me I had tears streaming down my cheeks (I still do)…some happy tears and some so deeply sad. It is because of YOU and YOUR tools that I am even able to get this far so thank you from thebottom of my heart for doing what it is that you are truly called to do and for being open to touching each one of us with your love, your heart and your tools. I cannot thank you enough!

    Yesterday I began what I think is the first step in the tools that you have on the blog – please let me know if I have missed some as I do not want to miss even one of them. I wrote out my list of problems. Now later on today, I will FLIP them so that you can look at them to see if I am on the right track. I am TOTALLY committed to doing this work as I cannot go through this again….ever! I want to overcome this bahvior of eating the same donuts just being in a different donut shop. I have also begun a journal to keep all of my work documented so that I can refer back to it as I need to. Thank you again Rori and know that you are truly a gift to me. I do love you.

    With love and another HUGE hug…..

  24.  #24Marplot on October 28, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    I have another question. When should a women not use feminine energy in the relationship? What about during his birthday or Christmas? Should she skip buying him a present since that would be masculine energy? What is a good alternative? Is cooking dinner for the guy considered feminine energy?

  25.  #25Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    I know that this is Rori’s blog 9and thank GOD for it!!) but I could not NOT encourage you to tread very carefully….I hate that you are going through this and speaking from what I am going through right this very moment…DO NOT GIVE UP ANYTHING FOR THIS MAN UNLESS YOU HAVE A RING ON YOUR FINGER AND A WEDDING DATE SET and you know that you know that you know that HE is the man that he says he is and that he is the man that YOU want! You really don’t know each other that well yet after only having spent time together face to face, twice. It may seem that you do with all of the phone calls and texts but anyone can put on a false face over the phone or thru a text message and even for a few visits face to face. It is through time together that you will really learn who this man REALLY is.

    It makes me so doggone mad that he calls you a ‘friend’ yet sends you TOTALLY differing messages about a possible future. I pray that you do not fall into the same thing that I did with a similar situation although my fiance’ and I knew one another much longer than the two of you…I gave up everything for him and he is totally different than before I moved here to marry him. My fiance’ is actually Toxic and I am now trying to figure out what to do to reclaim me and my life.

    I am absolutely NOT saying that it can’t work out…it very well may 🙂 but – please just be careful….very careful to focus on you and how you feel around him….and move slowly so that YOU can see clearly what is going on. Rori’s tools will be so helpful through all of this and I am glad that you are here. You will be in my prayers! 🙂

    With love,

  26.  #26Rori Raye on October 28, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    Marplot – Great question. Giving ANYTHING is Masculine. Giving BACK and SHARING are Feminine.

    So, if you feel like you’re sharing your love of cooking, or sharing a meal at home with him, or giving back all the love and energy he’s been pouring on you by INVITING him to come share a meal with you…that’s Feminine.

    Gift giving at holidays and birthdays is tricky. You have to feel your way through it, depending on how you feel in the relationship. If you’re not sure – ask. Use the situation as an opportunity to sit down and talk about the Holidays – what it means, what you both celebrate, what the gift-giving tradition is for him…and you might simply want to have something small, thoughtful and personal ready to give back if he should give you something.

    I’ll try to talk more about this, and perhaps get some gift-giving experts to help out…Love, Rori

  27.  #27Rori Raye on October 28, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Cassandra – Thank you for your passion around this – very powerful. Rori

  28.  #28Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 1:49 pm

    Rori –
    Thanks! I hope that is ok that I sent that note to AJ. 🙂 I just cannot stand to see another wonderful woman who gives and gives and gives get her heart broken by someone who does not treat her the way that a real man treats the lady that he loves. All I know is that 2 days ago I did not feel that I had a reason to wake up in the morning because of my situation but because of you and what you are teaching us I can feel myself coming out of that slowly but surely. I know that I am not the only one on this awesome blog that has been in that place…I look forward to doing your steps and to seeing where I will end up at the end of each one and then look forward to the next one. I am so excited about getting the opportunity to be here and learn from you, your own experiences and tools. Thanks Rori – I can’t wait to see what’s next.

    Love – Cassandra

  29.  #29Jen-B on October 28, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I find your post on long distance r/s most helpful and applicable to me and it makes so much sense now that I might just be too much… as I flew 80thousand miles away from home just to see him for 3 months and I’m staying at his place now.

    Day 2 everything changed… he became cold and distant and he didn’t want to kiss me or touch me anymore for 2 wks… and I just can’t figure out why. He used to tell me he loves me but now he doesn’t. He doesn’t act the same way, talk the same way, react the same way as we did on the phone, online, on web cam anymore… he is just like a different person.

    We talked about why he is acting this way and it is hurting me… he said he dunno why and he is just feeling unsure about us and if I am the one. So he is pulling away. I have been the nice-girl, the helpful-girl, the improving-in-whatever-that-he-finds-me-lacking-girl… I did great but things are still not working out. It is making me not good enough.

    I am not sure where do I start? Do I start from ur book…or modern siren… or should I go to toxic man? After our talk last night, he said he is tired of me being disappointed in him… and that makes him want to pull away even more. He is not sure if he can accept me for who I am – my job…he wants me to find a more stable job for our future…but my job is what makes me come alive. He doesn’t like my eating habits… I do eat and I eat a lot but it is just not to his standards and he find that I need to eat more and gain more weight. It has never been a problem to me and he is making it such a problem that I hate it.

    My prev bf didn’t support me in my job choice either and I listened and did other regular jobs for 3 yrs. I felt so numb. I know that if I’m passionate about what I’m doing, money will come. And it did. Not as much as I wish but I am happy.

    What should I do? He said he will leave me to make the decision whether I should continue to stay, or we take a 2 wks break – which I will rent and stay somewhere else or we just decide to be friends. He tells me he still loves me… I dunno if I shd believe him. Rori…where do I start? Which program do I start from?

    A part of me finds that he is not the one… and is similar to my ex… and I should move on and another part of me wants to inspire him to be greater… sometimes he is so easily frustrated and angry and sometimes he does cares so much and it melts my heart.

    Where do I start from Rori…. pls help…
    *thank you*

  30.  #30Rori Raye on October 28, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Jen-B, Welcome and I’m so sorry you have to endure this. Start with the book. Get the basics down, and right away you’ll see a difference. Big difference between “Appreciating” a man and Overfunctioning – you’ll learn it there.

    Then go to Modern Siren. (All my programs are different – different Tools, different scenarios – each will help you in different ways – Each program stands alone, and yet the Tools all build on each other from program to program. Don’t be afraid to try them out – you can work with them for free for 30 days without paying anything.) The Siren will give you a new sense of your self as way more powerful than you’re feeling now. Let me know. Love, Rori

  31.  #31Clara on October 28, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    I am so sorry that I posted this letter in another thread please accept my appologies.

    Dear Rori,
    >From where to start? How could I summarize 16 years of pain ?
    I am now 42, I am not an American but I live in the States, and he still Lives in a different continent!

    To be brief , the nightmare / dream began in 1992, when I 1st met him,( let’s call him “Nate” ) and what happened?
    Well simply, when I read your own story and your experiences, it is as if I am reading mine, but I had only this one man for 16 years! No one else!

    Yes I was a crumb-taker, yes I was a stepping –stone, yes I was the understanding loving friend, yes I was out-going and strong willed, and thinking, like women do, that HE will realize how good I was, and he would love me as much as I loved him, in short I was even worse than this…I was his doormat! Sex was outstanding ( his own words) yes all of what you said is true, I was doing exactly as you have described the Imaginary Relationship, there was none, and he was so intoxicating ! I think now he is narcissistic!
    And like you said I was “precious and rare and a friend” alas a doormat too!

    I had to go through a surgery, during which month at the hospital, I knew that another woman came into his life . During his engagement period, he used to call me, and have phone sex with me ! Yes I know, I used to think that he will realize again that he LOVES ME ! But…Devastation! In 1997 he married her! Depression and attempted suicide in 1998, 3 days in a coma and of course zero self-esteem…zero everything! I felt trampled on, humiliated, used and abused…I felt like a big fat zero, soulless, aimless, a worm ! My life was destroyed totally, lost my job, lost my self-respect, chronic depression you name it !

    6 months after his marriage, he calls me and says his wife was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and she is suicidal, again he wanted my comfort and of course wanted the “friend with benefits” ! I told him the truth about my feelings, that I was deeply in Love with him, and I cannot share him …and I ended this slavery!
    Still I was not over him !

    In 2002 I met my Husband (an American) on internet, a wonderful soul, a loving adoring husband, we got married in 2004, and we are having a blessed lovely marriage and a relationship, he is just like you describe a real loving committed man, and I do love him!
    Still I was not over “Nate” ! Still he came back to haunt my mind!

    10 years passed with no communication whatsoever, between Nate and I until April 28, 2008. I receive an email from him, ( he took my email from a common friend) telling me that his life is a total mess, his wife is draining him of everything including money, his marriage is a total failure, he cheated on her twice during 10 years of marriage, ( they are not sleeping tohether) he’s got an 8 year old child, and he is going through a depression!

    I am afraid that my old habits awakened, my feelings and my love, every single sensation came back, I feel like a dam caving under the pressure of these emotional waters…
    He told me he never forgot me, that I was always with him, that he “Systematically” was thinking of me, that at first he thought he could keep me along with his wife, then he knew his mistake, and he is sorry for all the hurt that he inflicted on me because of his “BS” as he put it. but I know that he is emotionally unstable, he always told me he does not know what love is, he never was In Love, for him it is a question mark!!
    He also told me that I am the only woman with whom he does not feel ( after sex) being empty, vain, and also being the only woman, for whom his desire is always ignited, unlike others !! I think he is emotionally unavailable, while he also says he wants to take care of his wife, amend for his mistakes, and during her hospitalization ( after 4 suicide attempts in these 7 months after our reconnection ) he said he wanted to be 100% there for her…though she does not love him anymore and she told him so- still together just for the sake of the child –
    And I am still unable to forget him, or to be ONLY a friend, and this sexual attraction, this Chemistry between us is still there, we talked on the phone, and to my utter shame, and disgust, I couldn’t resist him, and again we had phone sex 🙁

    I feel trapped, I feel disgusted with my weakness, I am still IN LOVE with this man !!!!

    Lately he stopped calling and is sticking to emails ( sex) again, I am going crazy …like today i felt I hate / love him so much it is killing me, I feel like I want him to be IN LOVE with me to make him taste what he did to me, yet I do not want to hurt him….I am totally lost at 42 it is pathetic for me just pitiful and I am so ashamed of myself 🙁

    I pray God and ask why I am not IN love with my husband ( he knows about Nate as Only a friend with marital problems ) whom I love so very much and want to stay with him, I love him, but…I feel like I am addicted to “Nate”…
    Pleaseeeeee help me …I am in the vicious circle again !

    I am so sorry for the long email, tried to make it brief but I think I failed,, hope you won’t discard it, I hope you can help me 🙁

    PS. I am unable to download your programs for the time being, due to financial problems, but I wait for your news letters, and devour them, but I hope I would be able to do so soon. But please with which program should I start please Rori give me your directions as to which Program I need to start with!
    Thank you Rori, thank you for helping us, God Bless you.

  32.  #32Lin on October 28, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    I feel your pain. I feel your intense feelings, for what you think is love for Nate.
    Please listen to what you have said.. Nate does not know what love is. Nate does not share your feelings. Nate might not be telling you the truth. What has Nate done to show you be
    cares about you. This is Rori thread. however
    if you could just stand back… and see. What does this man say… and what does this man do. I feel you have to look at what he is doing
    and forget what he is saying..
    you are living a night mare…… something we all fear… the man we loved got away… and then we marry another guy.. only to have the love of our lives come back to us.. only now its too late… and it is too late…. I feel Nate will only want you untill be gets you… and he will be gone again.Cause his whole life is a game.
    I actually do not beleive anything he says about his wife… other than she does not love him… I beleive she knows him too well. If you are strong enough.. talk to her.. and then you will know the truth.. you will also.. be ending the slavery.. And you want to be sane.. and be centered.. and have a sense of well being ..
    you want to be loved… you want a sense of security… you want to know if your in the hospital… your man is there with you. Not out with another women…Treat your husband as you would want to be treated… you will get the love out of your marriage as much as the love you put into it… If you pray hard… God will grant you the peace in your heart.. that you so desire… so loudly you desire the peace.
    You are so brave… ! Thank you for sharing.


  33.  #33Clara on October 29, 2008 at 8:01 am

    Ohhh Lin,
    Oh thank you …thank you for your words of encouragement, but mostlyfor your understanding, your sensitivity, your humane thoughts …I am crying right now….
    Words are just rushing through my head and I feel so sad, yes it is a nightmare that i am living…
    I knew his wife, ( because like Rori said, when i was in this “Imaginery Relationship” he introduced her to me, and I had to bear herpresence, and her moods swings, and I felt she was not mentally balanced, at the time, and I know that he is not lying about her, that I am sure of, besides she hates my guts…and honestly I cannot blame her…for oh how much I hated her, it was so reciprocated a feeling, and i was so jealous, she was young and blonde with blue eyes, French and a I still feel so humiliated because of her….:(
    I feel so tired, and depressed and thank God this time I went to my doctor and asked for a depression assessement, which result came as ” Mild depression” and now I am at aware of my problem and I am trying hard to SPARE my marriage and LOVE and be IN LOVE with my husband….
    but …but …Does being in love come at will ? could we will it ? …

    Lin THANK YOU THANK you just reading you made me hopeful…God bless you 🙂

  34.  #34Marplot on October 29, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    First of all Rori thank you so much for every thing it has helped me out so much.
    Here is an update on me.
    I set a new record for not visiting my crush (15 days) and I was 1/2 to my goal when I called him and invited him over to help me cook. He said sure, and I said that sounds great . I’ll talk to you later. I didn’t set a date or time for it. I guess its a good thing. Now that I called him- he knows that I’m done with needing space and that he can come over. I also didn’t set a time (i didn’t mean to do that) but now if he really wants to do it he will have to make an effort to come and see me. I still feel like I shouldn’t have called him though. But at least some good things happened.

  35.  #35Rori Raye on October 29, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    Marplot – Just consider it an EXPERIMENT, and stay open to learn from whatever happens. Love, Rori

  36.  #36Rosanna on October 31, 2008 at 8:37 am

    Hi Rori..It’s really heartbreaking as far as what is happening to my affair with this wonderful married man , Greg( I am married too)..The relationship was absolutely Fantastic in the beginning…He always complemented me (he told me he loved me on the 2nd date..!), and said I was the most beautiful, fantastic, loveable woman he’s ever met..that he didn’t want anybody else..He’d call me every single day (sometimes twice a day), and I felt happily pursued in the beginning with his daily offline messages on the computer..Eventually I started falling in love with him, and now I’m badly hooked on him, and he knows it. ( I actually even told him, I was badly hooked on him!).It’s a long story..He started to pull away when I was on vacation with my husband somewhere and Before I left for vacation, Greg said he’d miss me,..So he called me when I was away with my husband, about 3 times, saying he missed the hell out of me..he sounded very sad and bothered on the phone..After I hung up with him, I started thinking he might have thought I didn’t care about him, me being my neurotic self… So then I started behaving desparately, constantly leaving him messages, asking him to call me, if he was mad at me., until I absolutely thought he broke up from me, by his never returning my calls!…( I even left him a tearful voice message assuming 100 percent he broke up from me..!)..I messaged him on the computer when I got home., asking him to call me, emailed him to let me know if he wanted to end it with me, text messaged him…Later I got an email from him, saying his cell phone broke! ,being the reason I’ve hadn’t heard from him the rest of the time on vacation ..Then I left him an email saying I was Overjoyed to hear from him, and that I thought he left me., and that he’s got me badly hooked on him forever….! After all that he started acting distant , and bothered on the phone, naturally…I even told him that my behavior of frantically trying to reach him could put him at risk in his volatile relationship with his wife, and then promised him I wouldn’t behave that way again! Ever since then, he wasn’t the caring, open, communicative man he always showed me he was, and started acting distant from me..Now he doesn’t leave me any more messages on the computer..He calls me still everyday, says he loves me all the time, but I don’t feel he is IN LOVE with me..I think he just calls me out of loneliness, and I’m just someone who’s special to him to talk to.. We were even supposed to get together when I got back from vacation that Monday in a hotel, but he told me he was sick., and couldn’t..I even messaged him asking if he wanted to get together on a Friday or Saturday, and he never responded!, which is Very unlike the man I thought I knew..Yesterday I spoke to him on his new cell phone , and he said maybe we could meet two weeks from now…I started not mentioning anymore about him wanting to get together, and will continue not to …I also confronted him that I saw his name on a dating site we both were on, and he logged in to that site a week ago!..He denies he went in there, saying it was a computer error since he says he hasn’t been on that site since he met me.. He denies he is looking for somebody else..He still says he loves me, but I don’t believe or trust him now, saying that he is not looking or going out with somebody else already! .. I even told him he could do anything he wants, like see other people,and to at least be honest and tell me he wants to…He just says he hopes I can believe that he’s telling me the truth about him not looking for somebody else …He knows I don’t believe him much now, though I want to.. and that I’m not acting as happy as before, though I’m trying hard to still be lighthearted as I used to be with him., trying to hide my deep hurt, and disappointment…it’s just that now , the same strong feelings of being in love with me like he used to have in the beginning seem altogether gone, and I don’t feel his feelings match mine at all in love feelings for him are not being reciprocated, I feel..I know, Rori, all these desparate actions of mine totally turned him off, and I feel like the relationship is falling apart can it not, after all the mistakes I made pursuing him ! So I ask you now, Rori, what action shall I take? Is it possible at all ever to make him fall in love with me again and be interested in only me, like he used to before? Please help! And thank you for taking the time to read this long message..I do (desparately!) hope to hear your wise suggestions..Thank you! Rosanna

  37.  #37Rori Raye on October 31, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Rosanna, Thank you for your comment, and welcome to this community – and you’re not going to like what I’m going to say next.

    I don’t coach women who are in relationships with married men. And I don’t coach women who are married and having affairs with other men – unless it’s an open, polyamorous marriage and the husband knows.

    This is not about being judgmental (I once, long ago, when I was desperate and depressed, had an affair with a much older, married man – so though I’ve worked to no longer judge myself, I feel very sad about it and how I was so desperate and depressed at that time) – this is about it being absolutely impossible to work on yourself or anything else until you can be honest and authentic in your life.

    And as long as you are lying to people, and committed to keeping this lie alive – I can’t help you.

    I can help you with your marriage, but that would require you ending the affair, coming clean about it, and getting some help – which could also end your marriage. I know this is not something you want to do.

    So – I’ll start here: This is about YOU. First, find out how you can be financially independent – and work toward that. Then, figure out how you feel about your marriage, and what your options are. When you’ve settled that, you’ll be ready to invest in another relationship – either with this man or a new man.

    I wish you luck on your journey, Love, Rori

  38.  #38Clara on October 31, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Dear Rori,

    Through your answer to Rosanna I came to understand why my problem was ignored, as to your professional moral code, obviously being married myself.

    I think you misunderstood my whole problem, and maybe it was my fault not explaining clearly MY PROBLEM!

    I have never betrayed my husband physically, not even with a kiss, I had no affairs whatsoever, I love my husband and I want to stay with him, this “toxic” man Nate came back into my life to disrupt it, yet again.

    He is the one who is hunting and tracking me down with emails and phone calls, he is the one trying to make me get hooked again, ( I just once answered him about sex that is all) and I am now ignoring his emails ( junk mail) and phone calls!
    What i am affraid of is to feel weak again, to surrender to temptation like that one time!

    My Husband always knew about Nate, and what he did to me in the past, he even talked to him twice !

    My question was with which program should I start with, and for me it should be ASAP, now that MY financial problem has been taken care of!

    What astonishes the most is that you answered Rosanna but not me!!
    Believe me I do understand your stance,it even makes me appreciate you more, and I approve it myself!
    Yes,you are not being judgmental, but why haven’t you answered me the same ? I would have accepted it knowing that you are right!
    I am terribly saddened that I had to understand your stance this way, through your answer to another person!

    In any case, you are doing a wonderful job, and my question again is with which program should I start to GET OVER NATE, and I am thinking of “Toxic Men” , because I think it is the most efficient way to stop being weak, and immunize myself against any temptation as far this man is concerned, if there’s evidently no nuisance or if answering me does not go against your professional ethics!
    God Bless you

  39.  #39Rori Raye on October 31, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    Clara, Forgive me – I was looking at the comments on a different screen and they were out of order and I simply missed yours…

    Clara – Yes, Toxic Men is the program for you, and I feel very limited as to how to help you, alone – I’d like to suggest that you find an excellent therapist or coach, or even a CODA meeting in your town to support you continually through this – what you are talking about is a serious, obsessive addiction to a man who has no interest in a relationship with you.

    This speaks to your self-esteem. This is the exact same situation for you as if you were a drug addict. You speak about him at length, and so I would guess that you think about him all the time, too.

    This is “junkie’ behavior. This requires a “12 step” program like CODA, or help from a recovery support group.

    No matter what I say – you will, like a junkie, find a reason to continue to think about him. Bottom line – I would guess that you have a history of abuse and trauma in your life – you’re so YOUNG, Clara!! – and that’s why I would love to see you address this seriously.

    I have nothing to offer about him. He has no business in your life, and you have to work to get him out of your thoughts. This is not an easy thing, I know.

    About your husband, however – try my eBook at least, as a companion to Toxic Men. Once you get in contact with your “Stranger” and begin to love her and unravel the chains you’ve put around her – things will shift for you.

    In a way, you’ve come to think of this man in many ways – as your savior, as your soul-mate, and as the man who continually, and hideously PUNISHES you.

    Please do the Tools in the Power & Self-Esteem category, and let’s see if by following along and doing the writing, we can all lift up your feelings for yourself.

    If we can help you with that, you might feel strong enough to break this addiction!

    Love, Rori

  40.  #40Clara on October 31, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Oh Dear Rori,
    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I cannot say this enough.
    And yes you are absolutely 100% RIGHT !!! You are talking about my situation as if you knew since years !!! It feels like addiction, and I had more than one trauma in my life!!!And yes, you are right again, not only I think of him as my soul mate he said it too that “I am his soul mate” !!! And I think about him all the time!! Not in a loving way but in an angered and frustrated way. I hate him yet I feel he controls me…and this makes me feel so weak!
    I feel like I am being chained, that fate is playing tricks on me, but I know that God wants to help me, and He put you in my path 🙂
    Thank you Rori, I will download the ebook and the Toxic Men program, I will do the program you suggested, and the Tools in the Power & Self-Esteem category.

    THANK YOU Dear , you are like an angel sent to me, I will keep you informed of all the shifts and changes.

    THANK YOU, and God Bless you.

  41.  #41Rori Raye on October 31, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Clara, you’re very welcome, I’m so impressed at your reaction and how open you are – you can do this!!! I can feel that you can, just from your response.

    I’ve posted something for you. My friend Linda Landon sent me a newsletter at exactly the time I was writing your comment – and so look for it here. Love, Rori

  42.  #42Clara on November 1, 2008 at 2:19 am

    Dear Angel Rori,
    I have downloaded your ebook, and also bought Toxic Men and waiting impatiently to get the DVDs!
    I have started reading your eBook ( though it was late at night) I just couldn’t resist 🙂
    Thank you again, it is because I feel so supported and I know that nothing is impossible in this world, if there’s one thing I have learned from my shameful suicide attempt, it is that life is worthwhile no matter what, it depends on us to look at our problems differently, we should forget the pain but never the lesson…that is I think how we grow up !
    Thank you, I will wait for your Friend’s Linda newsletter, and a big thanks to her 🙂
    God Bless you,

  43.  #43Rosanna on November 1, 2008 at 6:48 am

    Hi Rori..Thank you for answering me., and I do appreciate your view on my marriage and my affair..The only thing is, is that I already Purchased most ( I think all of them) of your materials , and I still feel I want to attract this married man back to me..I know it’s wrong, but I think I have to go through all these experiences myself, to make an absolute final decision concerning my situation..Rori, I think you’d probably respond here to use these materials I purchased with my marriage, but truthfully , I have no desire to , when I am no longer physically/emotionally attracted to my husband ( I’m guilty of “I want my cake and eat it too”, sadly)..I do think your materials (from what I used so far) are Excellent..You have The Perfect way of having women feel good about themselves and to feel better with a man they desire..I think I will continue using your materials though, ..they’re always good to hear maybe if my situation changes, and I’m single again,..You are an Excellent ( and I think the Best) relationship coach I’ve ever listened to..Thank you or your Fantastic Help with so many women are a blessing! Rosanna

  44.  #44Linda on November 1, 2008 at 11:23 am

    Dear Rori;
    I love all of your programs! I am practicing leaning back, talking with feeling messages, even trying to make my negative voices sit in the corner with a cookie. I started circular dating to try out my tools.I have been split from my boyfriend of about a year since July. Our difficulties have often invoved our families. we both have two children, similar ages. I live with my kids and my elderly parents. He has said from the beginning he wondered if I had enough time and energy to devote to a relationship/to him. but still, he said he wanted to be with me. He is prone to depression, and his withdrawing only made me overfunction more. It ended when I told him I would stay with him 100% but needed to know if I was wasting my time. He said at that time he could only offer me friendship. Of course this broke my heart and I went into a deep depression, as did he. I stopped calling him, contacting him on any level. Soon he was calling, texting, visiting mymother in the hospital, all unsolicited by me. I felt he was really turning around. Things stopped when I turned him down for an impromptu drinks [date, I think]. I told him it felt so nice he wanted to see me. A few days later he clled, I was very friendly, warm, did not rush to fill in the silences, let him end the call. He im’d me the next morning, first thing. I told him how good it felt to speak with him foirst thing in the am. he asked if I was working that day, I answered, and let the messaging lull. Then I thanked him 10 minutes later for thinking of me on such a beautiful morning. he said you’re welcome and that was it. Here’s my question: would it be considered leaning forward to say “I feel disconnected from you when I don’t see you. it would feel so nice to spend some time together/go out on a date. what do you think?”

  45.  #45Marplot on November 1, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    Wow, lots of comments here. You’re getting popular Rori! You might want to add a form to your website- although I’m not sure how you would do that or even if you could.

    Anyways, I spent some time hanging out with some of my old friends and my crush on Halloween. My crush ignored me- and said a few insulting comments. I sort felt excluded from the group. One of the girls was sort of mean to my crush and made comments about his hair and his clothes. He didn’t seem to care.

    When we were done, it was late and dark out so I asked my crush to walk me back home. He didn’t seem to want to do it but he did it anyways. At first he walked way ahead of me, so I told him that I felt hurt and that I didn’t want him to walk me back if he didn’t want to. He stop and walked with me- and started to talk about how he felt obligated to walk me home. Ug. He said that it was just because it was so cold out and that it didn’t have much to do with me. He did ask a lot of questions about what I did during those two weeks when I wasn’t with him though.

  46.  #46Rori Raye on November 1, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    Thank you, Rosanna, and good luck to you – Love, Rori

  47.  #47Rori Raye on November 1, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Linda, I know this is going to be hard to hear – but he’s being a “friend.” That’s all. And here’s a Tweak – Don’t say: It feels great that you’re thinking of me….” or “that you wanted to see me…” Those are more statements than Feeling Messages – and they make you sound GRATEFUL – which is the opposite of being a “Goddess.”

    Instead, “It feels good to hear your voice…” This morning feels so good..” Much simpler. Try this – you should feel more relaxed before, during and after speaking more like this.

    Don’t try to get anything started with him. He’s backing off when it feels more like a “date” than a “friend thing.”

    Go out and date men until one shows up who can DO THIS with you…Love, Rori

  48.  #48Rori Raye on November 1, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    Marplot – please stop calling this man your crush, please stop talking to him, please stop thinking of him in that way. Drop him from your mind entirely and get out there and Circular DATE! Do not spend another minute with him – he is not into you – and every minute you spend thinking about him will damage your self-esteem. Let me know…Love, Rori

  49.  #49Linda on November 1, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    Wow, Rori, that is hard to hear, but it’s the assessmant I was expecting though not willing to accept. but one more thing, I know, it’s obsessive, what do you mean when you say “Don’t try to get anything started with him. He’s backing off when it feels more like a “date” than a friend thing”. actually, there’s been no date. He really is being a friend, though an occassional one. Do you think it’s possible to turn a friend around, one who used to be a boyfriend? It’s alays so hard for me to accept endings. I know him since i was a kid. i really trusted and confided in him things I’d never tell anyone else, not even my girlfriends. I really thought he and I could finally go the distance, something I’ve never been able to do. In fact, usually the men I date end up marrying the very next girl they meet. I’ve been working so hard with your cd’s and those from christian carter. I was really hoping I could salvage this scenario and myself.

  50.  #50Linda on November 1, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    Ps I’ve done so much work on myself these couple ofmonths. I’ve gone back to school, rejoined the workforce after 11 years of msingle motherhood. I’ve even completely detoxed my body of all supplements, and food toxins. I guess I was really doing it for him, not for me.

  51.  #51Linda on November 1, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    This si breaking my heart all over again. i’ve been doing everything wrong. he even came over and volunteered to rennovate my downstairs last spring. when we split, I felt bad, so I paid him for his work because i didn’t want him to think I was taking advantage of him. his wife literally kicked him out of their house just after he’d rennovated their entire home and i wanted to be different. gosh, I haven’t got a clue or a spine.

  52.  #52Rori Raye on November 2, 2008 at 10:23 am

    Linda – SO IMPORTANT here – you are doing FANTASTIC!! Yes you are. Linda, just having the bravery to NOTICE all this is 90% of the way to getting there – truly.

    Please do the exercises so you turn this “beating yourself up” stuff into loving yourself and EVERYTHING you’ve every thought, felt or done…

    I’m SO IMPRESSED with the work you’ve done on yourself. The next step for you is in GIVING UP.

    Yes, that’s right – giving up on trying to “salvage” ANYTHING. What you saw in the home redo was your inability – then – to RECEIVE – and your process then was about strategizing and trying to figure out what MIGHT be the best thing to do.

    Now you’re learning to FEEL your way through things, to Receive and love yourself. Practice that, and you’ll see amazing changes.

    Love, Rori

  53.  #53Kathleen on November 2, 2008 at 11:20 am

    I was so happy to find your site today. There is very little out there to actually help – this is a refreshing change. I feel compelled to reach out…first, the background…hold on to your’s not real pretty. I was married for 20 plus years. Two kids – one diagnosed with leukemia. At the point where we had nearly finished the 3 year treatment, my husband decided to bail. Gave lots of reasons that made no sense – in the end…he was not happy. I find out weeks later that while he may not have been happy, he failed to tell me he’d been having a relationship with my dearest friend and the nurse of my sick child. Once confronted, he became a different person. So full of venom. He denied (and still does) though he’s still sees her and thinks we don’t know. It’s ridiculous really.

    So, take the hurt of being rejected, having your life turned upside down, having the two pp you trusted the most in your life manipulate you while dealing with a sick kid and add to it….being treated with such disdain. Our kids know the truth…they figured it out – I told them the facts about what I knew when they pinned me to the wall about it. Experts say the kids should never be in on the details but I have learned a little about that. True in a perfect world…. but the world is far from perfect. They are dealing with it and at least they know that I will not lie to them. I think that matters the most as they have lost everything they knew and could count on in life. They hate being lied to on top of that so I won’t. I don’t bash him though he thinks I do. I don’t have to.

    Anyway…where I am and where I need help. This pretty much destroyed me. I am one strong woman but’s been more than a year, the legal stuff is still not over, I am trying to find a new life though I don’t know what it is I want to do for sure. I don’t know where I stand totally financially – we sold the house and I am having to live off my equity for the most part as support wise, I am not yet getting much. I work two part-time jobs for now and am trying so hard to make a go of it but it all feels temporary and unstable. I’m not over the pain of what happened by a long shot. I feel a bit frozen in time, frustrated beyond belief and tired of waiting around for life to start. I stayed home with our kids – that was what we both wanted though I have been told by my ex that I was “afforded the privilege” to do that and to care for our sick child for three years. Yeah, “afforded”. Ok, so that hurts…the fact that I would be told something like that by the man I spent my life with, who never once questioned that choice, who always seemed happy with that decision – we worked hard in the first few years to make our lives work out that way. I did work – we saved all my income to buy our first home. All of that has been thrown back in my face and I am left feeling like a failure at life. I try and fight it – that’s what he wants I know. Why do they do that?

    I have accepted it…I just can’t get over the mad, the hurt and the fear. I want a life, men to date, and to feel whole all by myself. I have learned that it’s a process – it’s coming but I am still afraid and sad and angry. His emails still put me in a terrible place – no one seems to get that. I am attractive, smart, funny…I have a lot to offer. Does it get better? Am I on the right track here? Is there anything I can do to release the anger and frustration? I don’t think I will be happy until I do. I question my decisions, my mistakes – everything. How does one person make such a mess of another?

  54.  #54Linda on November 2, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Thanks for the words of encouragement, Rori, you are my new Guru. It really helps that you respond so quickly. My friend(s) are getting quite tired of the subject. I spend all my free time listening to your programs. I think the reason I hang onto this guy so tightly, in my head, is that he was the first to be so supportive of me as an individual. It was his encouragement that led me to find a way to become more self reliant, my kids and I live with my parents and we are dependant on them. It was also his idea to do the work in my house o make it my own and more comfortable for me. You may be right, though, maybe he’s just not up to the task. But I need to get myself in a place where I can draw him in to find that out. I’d also like to be able to date new men in a way that may bring me the relationship I want/need.
    I have been very conscious with the few men I have seen to lean back and try to do the tools. takes alot of concentration, but I can see it in their faces. I was feeling pretty good about my progress til I lost touch with him again, and went out with new men. Very scary. It leads me back to the state of despair that I’m starting to see is getting morbidly comfortable. Which tools/programs first for my needed crisis intervention?

  55.  #55Dayna on November 2, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    Your emails have been most helpful in understanding men & relationships. I have been in two world wind romantic relationships in the past 2/12 years. One ended in June, and the one previous to this one, we just got back together. However, I still have very strong feelings the man I was with that ended in June. I have some belongings at his house, that I need to pick up. I am too afraid to contact him because he might have a new girlfriend, that would hurt me to know that. Also, if he doesn’t, I would likely want him back. I have never been so well-matched with anyone before. I wished I would have been more patient with him, and did what your last email said…stop rowing the boat! The man I see now is great, but I feel I can’t trust him. Should I bite the bullet and go for it, or move on from both relationships?

  56.  #56Rori Raye on November 2, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Dayna, being afraid is not ever a good reason to do something that feels right. You need your things back, or you need to reconnect. Call him or write him to let him know you were thinking of him and that you knew you have some belongings in his house, that you’re missing him and it feels weird, and you’re not sure how to go about getting your things back or reconnecting with him, and what does he think? (You can learn the basics of how to do this kind of Feeling Message conversation in my eBook…)

    Good luck! Love, Rori

  57.  #57Rori Raye on November 2, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    Kathleen, Thank you for your story – and I feel enraged just hearing it, and so sorry you’ve had to live it. I can only imagine the feelings you’ve got simmering inside you, and hope my Tools help you to access them and walk through them to the other side – where you can connect with your joy, too.

    And yet – I hear in your voice an incredible, indomitable spirit – and I know you will come through this a much stronger person, more intuitive, more able to “get” what’s going on with the new men you’ll meet – and you WILL meet them. Just keep walking through, feeling your way.

    When men feel guilty, they become angry – at us. This is one of the first clues that you’re being lied to about something – or that something is going on beyond what you know.

    It’s deeply unsettling – and yet – if you take EVERYTHING as a learning experience – everything will get BETTER. Love, Rori

  58.  #58Sonya on November 2, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    hey rori! thanks for all the info and advice, you’ve been really helpful.

    there’s this guy I’m really into who is most probably still thinking about his ex. i don’t know if there is a chance for them to get together again but i know they have contact(talk mainly) though she has had a relationship since they broke up about 2 years ago (i don’t know if she’s still coupled). he hasn’t had a relationship since and every try was unsuccessful. how can i be sure that there’s not going to be anything between them again?

    as far as my communication with him is concerned, ever since i started practicing your tools we seem to have regained the chemistry we had lost when i started acting like most women do, nervous without confidence etc. now, i rarely,almost never try to make up excuses to talk to him and go to places i know he’ll be(thats mainly because we see each other every day now). the leaning back, the waterwheel and other tools have helped me be more open and confident when he’s around, and show him my true strong independent self. i dont know though if it is good for him to see that i’m always the person who is going to solve the problems of my friends. i don’t plan my routine and life around him but i see him as part of it.

    we see each other every day for the last month and he’s called me several times on the phone to talk about things that need to be done, even though he could have called another person from the team to do that. sometimes he cheers up a bit when we meet – either by chance or by a meeting already planned. also, lately i’ve noticed that he sometimes calls me by my nickname, other times he looks at me and i catch him doing that. i always look him in the eye when we talk and i am playful on some occasions. but sometimes i can be quiet and distant, he noticed that the day before yesterday. but later that day we were fine. i can be tired when he’s around when i’ve had a bad day, right?

    that’s some of the info i thought you should know! i’d like to hear from you, what you think of this, if you have any piece of advice. i think i’ve done well so far but i’d like to know what you think because it’s the first time in a long time for me to find a man i really like and who i can fall in love with and let down the guard i made after a disastrous misunderstanding(with a schoolmate) 3 years ago.

    love, and keep up the good work!

  59.  #59Melissa on November 3, 2008 at 6:38 am

    Hello Rori,

    I posted a few weeks ago about my live-in boyfriend. I know you get tons of posts but to recap, we’ve been living together for about 8 months now and for about the past 5 months or so we really haven’t been close, as in “intimate close”. The usual – he was all over me to start and then it dropped. I think I’m doing something wrong with the feeling messages or any of the tools I’m trying. This weekend I blew up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to the bathroom to just cry it out and let myself feel what I was feeling, but I guess I needed a couple of days to do that because it just couldn’t stop. He looks at me and says “What’s wrong NOW?” So I did my best with feeling messages. I explained that I don’t feel like he finds me attractive anymore and I don’t feel that we are close and its feels more like we are roommates. This may seem dumb but he has this motorcycle and I LOVE them. He never once offered a ride, but before used to talk about how WE could do that. I even asked and he used to just mumble excuses. Finally I asked him yesterday what is the DEAL with the bike? Why have you never given me a ride? He says I just don’t want to tell you. So great. All the things I tried to let him know how I felt and he just sat there. Calm and almost emotionless. He had nothing to say unless it was a yes or no question I asked. Yes he loves me. Yes he finds me attractive. etc etc. But no resolution. In fact, he just ended up going to his brother’s house (like he does EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND) and not coming home until 1am. This morning he just stayed in bed and never said a word and never even got up to help me with the kids like he usually does. So i’m sure this was stupid – but I’m so angry and SO SO hurt inside that I just blurted out “So you hate me now or something?” He just replies NooOOO! But that was it. I’m fully expecting to get home today to all his stuff gone and nothing ever resolved. I can’t stand how everyone quickly replies – well you’ll be better off. Then why don’t I feel this “better off” yet? I may just be still too fresh in the hurt feelings at the moment. I’m not eating and I could barely sleep last night. I tried to relax and nothing is working. I’m at work now and somehow trying to compose myself and keep the tears from spilling over. I know there are hundreds of women that probably go through this all the time. I appreciate especially now – all that you do to help us. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m 31 and I feel like I should seriously give up.

  60.  #60Jolene on November 3, 2008 at 6:54 am

    Dear Rori,

    I will try to keep this brief. I have been dating a wonderful man for six months. At the beginning he pursued me but after six months he had still not even tried to kiss me, and I know somewhere along the way I took the oars and started the rowing. On October 4th I decided to end it because my feelings for him were so strong that it became too painful to talk to him and not see him for weeks, and be near him without any signs of affection from him towards me. He would call me nearly every day and pour his heart out to me about everything in his life, and when we were together we just fit together so well – we had similar interests, similar goals, similar likes and dislikes, similar sense of humor – even so many things in our histories that we each knew where the other was coming from. He commented on that many times. Even my mother and sister said it’s a shame he can’t see how good we are together. But there was no affection other than the kind of departing hug like the ones I get from my female friends.

    I miss him terribly; I’ve been going on coffee and lunch dates and staying busy, going to the gym, getting on with my life and generally being good to me. I haven’t heard from him in a month, and I’m starting to get really squirrelly about wanting to contact him.
    Part of me knows I shouldn’t contact him and part of me desperately wants to say, “I miss you.”
    Maybe I’m just no busy enough, but whenever I sit still my thoughts return to him. I want to be able to forget him, and if he comes back, then start over with the feeling messages, and not be so darn available to him, but in the meantime I need someone (everyone I ask, actually) to tell me what to do, or more specifically what NOT to do. I feel as though there is something very obvious that I’m missing here and I hope it is obvious to someone who will point this out to me before I do something I will regret and feel awful for later. Why can’t I see he is wrong for me?

    In the meantime I’ve received your Modern Siren program and I’m going to begin studying my homework!



  61.  #61Clara on November 3, 2008 at 7:02 am

    Dear Rori,
    I am reading your ebook and still waiting impatiently for the “Toxic Men” DVDs.
    I was making some research on line concerning the CODA Program or any that you suggested, and I want to tell you that while doing this, I realized I stopped thinking about him!! For me I take as a postive sign and another experience to find the best way to deal with my problem !
    Alas I am not finding an adequate program dealing with my issue, there’s more about drugs alcohol etc…I wanted to find a therapist but the fees are a bit out of my budget…but I am now concentrating on your book and trying to go deep into myself and FEEL what I tried not to feel years ago…
    It hit me today that I was NUMB, my feelings my deep authentic feelings are numb and all is surfacing was shame, anger and frustration…because it was my brain working and not my heart!
    I am trying also to apply what i am Learning with my husband … and yesterday I asked him if he saw any changes in me and his answer was a big smile and a yes …you seem more relaxed and less BOSSY 🙂
    Rori THANK you …cannot say it enough, I will keep you posted about all the changes and shifts THANKS to you 🙂
    God Bless you,

  62.  #62Clara on November 3, 2008 at 7:20 am

    Just one thing I forget to add, I am still checking my junk mail to see if he sent me an email, without opening it, just checking then deleting it all so that I won’t be tempted to open and read…
    How am I to stop doing this ? It feels like avenging myself, I feel satisfied that he is still sending emails despite my silence…is it out of revenge ? A twisted satisfaction that now I am Ignoring him? making him taste his own medecine ?
    Sometimes when he does not write like in weekends I feel disapppointed ! As if he took my pleasure of feeling him weak away from me !!
    I know I should stop, but it feels so good …to humiliate him…to ignore him, to make him pay for what he did..I know it is not good but….still struggling….
    Thank You Rori…
    God Bless you

  63.  #63Anne on November 3, 2008 at 5:57 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I am married for 21 year to a man I love. We have 2 kids, one in college one in High school, so almost out of the house. I am a stay at home mom, doing some volunteering works. I have a good social network.
    We came over to the US 12 years ago, I had no work permit for 5 years, and we agreed that I stay at home, to give our family stability, since my husband was traveling a lot. I was often lonely, but I wanted to see the whole thing and we raised 2 good kids and did a lot of wonderful things together as a family. I was happy.
    For a year now my husband works in Europe and I see him only every 4 weeks for maybe 3weeks. It is supposed to be temporary, but it is hard on me. I miss him very much. He misses home too, but he loves what he is doing and one has to be the breadwinner.
    2 weeks ago he came home for 10 days, and was telling me that he needs space to think about himself, and if we should stay together. It totally devastated me. I tried to understand why, but he was blocking up. We discussed and calmed down, had sex, and gave us smiles. I probably was hurting him with all my talking and drove him more away. He calls me everyday from Europe, but it sounds so cold. I wrote him a letter, where I told him how much I love and appreciate him. It is very hard to communicate or give hugs over such a long distance. I feel pain in my heart now and my days are getting hard. Should I ask him not to call anymore, but I love to hear from him? I always wait for his calls. I call him too, when I sometimes worry too much and tell him my feelings, without being angry. But he does not react. He tells me that he does not like to talk so much on the phone. So I ask him about his day and give him some family updates.
    How can I reach out to him without driving him away?

  64.  #64Linda on November 3, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    Dear Rori, I just posted this to patricia on the overfunctioning blog entry and wanted to share it again here:
    Wow Patricia! what a great turn of events! I’m dyinmg to know what you will do next. I have just begun dating, and I am catching myself every time I refuse to receive, even when someone offers to help with the groceries.It is so liberating when I stop myself from overfunctioning. As a mom, that’s all I do. I see now that I was being a mom with my ex.And he is naturally very masculine but learned to take from me, and take me for granted. In fact, it actually made him angry and a bit mean.When I stopped giving, as I have only recently, I can tell he is confused. He has turned to me for advice and shopping tips, which I oblige, but I really don’t want to be friends. So I am friendly but don’t initiate anything or ask anything. I am leaning back with him and the other men I meet, consciously, as it’s still so hard and new for me. It’s amazing to see their faces when I talk in feeling messages! Any way, thanks for sharing your story with me. I think we are lucky to have found Rori, and each other, all of us on this blog. Linda

  65.  #65Linda on November 5, 2008 at 7:04 am

    So, here I am on my first real date after a quick coffee date at, you guessed it, Starbucks. The lead up to the date was all by text and email. I used feeling messages like, I feel like going to this restaurant, when given a choice. I feel it is too soon to drive to the Berkshires for the day. I would feel more comfortable meeting you, etc. He was very accommodating, jumped at the chance to please me, although I don’t know how natural this is for him ordinarily. Dinner was marvelous, he ordered every little extra I said I felt sounded good. Then we headed to a political event in the next room. I must say, it’s an impossible situation to lean back and be all fuzzy about. It’s strictly intellect and I’m afraid at this point I lost him. He asked if I was uncomfortable, would I rather watch at his house, no intentions, to which I said it felt too soon to go to his house. He seemed insulted I assumed he was going to make a pass, I quickly said I know that was not his intention, but I felt uncomfortable just the same. I found myself in a personal dilemma. I wanted to use the tools, but naturally found myself trying to be polite and accommodating, respecting his political convictions. It didn’t seem to end well, a bit cold on his part. I know I am not going to make any move toward him whatsoever, but what should I take home from this, what would have been the best way to handle this scenario?

  66.  #66Lin on November 5, 2008 at 7:48 am

    I just have to jump in to say… great job !!
    I feel you did everything right… good for you.
    I feel you were simply correct by not going to
    his home. you trusted your own boundaries..
    Has nothing to do with him…. its all about you ! Rori has told us… we trust ourselves and
    then we do not have to trust a man.!!
    You had a good time.. if this man is turned off
    due to your own safe boundaries.. then its too bad… Just keep dating , a better man will show up…!!!
    I have just gone through 15 dates with different men… and they all push to pick me up
    from my home for the first real date.. usually
    I do not allow that.. and the ones I did allow
    I had to get rid of..!!! Just trust your own boundaries. All of the men say.. they only want to date me. All of them say, they want a real relationship with me.. All of them are gone, cause they did not get kisses on the first real date… so they all did not get to put the moves on me.. I feel if they really wanted to be my boyfriend.. they would not push so hard.. on the first real date to be physical…?
    I have finally had date 2 with a certain man who says. he will keep seeing me until I am ready to feel good to allow him to my house
    and he will not push me for anything physical until I am ready. I still will not allow him to my house..untill I am comfortable..
    Remember why we are doing this.. is to raise
    our esteem..and it works as long as we trust ourselves. Keep dating !!

  67.  #67Linda on November 5, 2008 at 8:21 am

    Thank you so much for your feedback! You know, when I reread what I wrote, I realize how easily I fall back into that insecure, it must be my fault, I did something wrong routine, I hope he calls to validate me, etc etc. Pitiful, really. Meanwhile, he did email me, in French, if you can stand it! That even though last night wasn’t perfect, he finds me fun, attractive and intelligent. No one ever calls me fun! Must be all that leaning back I did. Of course, now I feel validated. But it gives me a sense of satisfaction, too. Any way, what is this with everyone wanting to pick us up at our houses. I, more than anyone, appreciate the chivalry, but thay are complete strangers and I’ve got kids at home. I think having this boundary is important. Coming to my home is a priveledge that must be earned. Sounds like your new guy “gets it” and gets you. Brava!

  68.  #68Lin on November 5, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Linda, Rori,
    If you keep dating, you will become more secure feel more like a queen… I feel that way.
    You don’t need a man to validate you..
    How did you like him? How did you feel around him.? that’s all that counts right now.
    I don’t like feeling pressured…! I like to feel like
    I have been listened to.. by the man. I really felt attracted to him last night when I met with him.2nd real date. That was good. Today he has called all ready twice. The second call came while I was in class. and he knew I was in class. but forgot I guess.. and he wants to come to my house and help me paint a wall.Today ! Now I feel pressured again. I have a child also and do not
    feel ready to have him to my home. Seems like
    all these men are in such a hurry. For me the feeling pressured over rides the attraction for him. I want to keep my options open. I am confused.. I am glad men find me attractive.
    How do I let them know. other than I already shared with this last guy I will name Mel. I don’t want to feel pressure. And I am feeling it.
    I shared with him. how I dislike it… and he is doing it anyway. I told him I will call him back
    after class. and I have not called him. I dread calling him now. How can I tell him to back off.
    with out losing him altogether?

  69.  #69Linda on November 5, 2008 at 11:03 am

    Hi Lin: OMG! I can’t help but feel all paranoid we know the same man! I am so insecure right now. My first reaction was, oh no, maybe she’s met my guy! But I know I have to shelve that thought, send it to a corner with a cookie, like Rori says. I think you can send the message to your guy who’s calling by just not calling him back. This way, there will be no argument, he will call back, I am sure of it. It’s a way to put a little space there. You can always say when, he offers again, that you really appreciate it, and will consider his offer. This is my feeling, but as you know, we are all here because maybe we don’t always have the right answer. Excuse the babble, it’s something I do. But I am certain that you don’t need to call him back. He may get the message and you can just be your friendly open self when he does call. Linda

  70.  #70Linda on November 5, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    PS Lin; I am curious what Rori would say. She’s commented to me on the issue of being able, or not being able to receive. as in his painting your room.
    Rori, what do you think here?

  71.  #71Lin on November 5, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Thanks .. I have not called him back…. hoping he will just get the clue…
    You feel we are dating the same guy ! I guess this is a man thing.. and they think its alright.
    I felt that before about my x…. cause he is more unusual..sometimes… like with Mel… he’s wants me so much.. and wants to seal the deal.. he is sabotaging the relationship. All because… he is not in control right now. ??
    So he pushes.. to get his way…
    I wish he would just calm down… and realise its good.. and slow and easy wins the race.
    Hey, can I share that with him…. ? or just say.
    Its feels so nice that you want to help me paint.
    and feels so good you want to see me.. often.
    I just wish you would take it slower… and realise that good things happen over time..
    and I hate being bull dozed !! only kidding..
    I don’t know what to say. I thought I already told him… so I am just not saying anything right now.

  72.  #72Clara on November 5, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Now that I am working on my “addiction” or should I write “exorcism” there’s a question I want to ask about men or toxic ones I don’t know, but considering that women could become addicted to men, is it also true vice-versa ? Could men become addicted to a specific woman ?

    I also want to tell you about my new “hyper-sensitivity” that I am discovering or I don”t know if it is the consequence of my “rehab”…
    I had a small rough spot with my husband, as I took a remark of his personnally though, usually I wouldn’t have done so, and I wanted to write things with feeling messages, and because I am new with these I just want to be sure I said the right things ( I felt weird is this also normal ? )
    So here is my email to my husband : ( he was asking for an advice which after all he did not like )

    “I do not want to do so, I do not want to help (when asked)
    and find out later, I am doing exactly the opposite!
    It feels upsetting to read your answer to my idea of “help”!
    I feel hurt, and insulted with no reason!
    I feel you could have written it in a different way,
    I hope now you can understand it is clear it was not about “you’re kidding'”
    I feel and do understand that you are upset, worried, angry,frustrated, and anxious and …and ….
    but I also feel I do not have to tolerate this kind of hurting answers, just because you are feeling bad!
    I also feel I need to tell you this in all honesty.
    I was very clear in my first response to your email,
    because I felt afraid of this precise reaction on your behalf,
    or felt it coming… I don’t know, so I made sure to let you know,
    by writing at the beginning :

    “I do not want to tell how you need to feel, or what to do,
    it is up to you to deal with your anxieties, the way you know best,
    But I also want you to know that I do feel concerned for you.”
    I do not want to feel this way.
    I do not want to tolerate this from you.
    I feel totally disconnected from you, and uncomfortable.
    I feel confused as to what is triggering you,
    I do not want to feel this.

    I feel your anxieties, and I feel terribly sorry for you passing through all of this, but it feels also that I do not need to handle this, neither bear with it”

    Was I saying the right thing ?
    Thank you Rori
    God bless you

  73.  #73Linda on November 5, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    hink I might modify what you are thinking of saying. Here is your passage:
    Its feels so nice that you want to help me paint.
    and feels so good you want to see me.. often.
    I just wish you would take it slower… and realise that good things happen over time..
    I like the first part, but I wonder about this bit:
    By saying the part “I wish you would take it slower” you are trying to control him, rule #1, infraction. I think I might change it to, “I feel, I am feeling a little pressured by you on this issue and it makes me uncomfortable. What do you think?”

  74.  #74Angie on November 5, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    I have known this man I fell in love with while dating other men, I continue to date because he sends so many mixed messages, it is the only way I know how to handle him. I dont know why he does this to me? Why? Leave and then come back over and over again. We had a great relationship before I actually wanted him and now it seems as if there is just one complication after another. Like what does it mean when he says it takes him the whole weekend to get my voice out of his head? Why does he keep coming back? Dazed and Confused

  75.  #75Samat on November 6, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    I feel so bad today, I had a terrible meeting where everyone jumped up on me. I feel so uncomfortable being who I am right now. I feel like I dont want to get up from the chair or ever see anyone again, I feel like hiding and forgetting everything. Although I have been through this lots of times.

  76.  #76Linda on November 7, 2008 at 12:43 am

    Dear Rori;
    Funny things happen when I listen to your cd’s. I usually listen while driving to school or on my errands. I get so involved with leaning back that sometimes I get lost!Feeling my way through things can be really scary. Not all the feelings are good ones. I find when I try to make a list or follow along with your relationship turnaround cd, I get saddened and begin to cry. I know I should keep telling myself that I am tired of doing and being for them I always feel much more together when I’m not connected to a man. But even though I have kids and parents in my home, I get lonely and dating can sometimes make me feel worse. It’s been a while now, since we’ve parted, but I still feel the space. I also have a tendency to mourn, which I hte. It’s incapacitating.It’s all so unsettling.

  77.  #77Linda on November 7, 2008 at 11:18 am

    The man I so want to reconnect with is obviously not stepping up to the plate. He has his own issues with depression, may even fall into the toxic category. My question is, he was beginning to call again, everyday but being friendly and helpful, coming over for the holidays, fixing my kitchen drawers. Then he stopped calling. A week or two later he lost his job, he seems to have difficulty keeping jobs though is very capable of making miney through investments,etc. He contacted me to talk about the situation. I know we are not supposed to tell a man what to do, and that he was asking for my help. I spoke with him via IM’s about the situation, giving my opinion and suggestion as to what strategy he should take. He asked me directly to do so. I ended it with saying “it’s your gig, do what you feel comfortable doing”. I know he just needed a sounding board. He has been a great friend and very supportive of me in the past. Should I have responded differently? I didn’t want to be cruel, so I rsponded with kindness, I think. But I don’t want to be friends. Although I miss this aspect with him as well. Rori, you have told me to give up on him. But I still need to know the right way to respond. Is this indicative of my “not being able to take no for an answer”?

  78.  #78Linda on November 7, 2008 at 11:33 am

    PS I haven’t heard from him since

  79.  #79Margaret on November 8, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    Just a quick question – Is there anything that can be done to be seen as “high status” after “lowering” your status and degree of dificulty in a man’s eyes?

  80.  #80Bebabe on November 10, 2008 at 6:56 am

    Dear Rori,
    I have been using your Have the relationship you Want, improving my self-esteme and getting back to feeling talk with my husband of 32 years. Our sex life has been on the rocks for 10 years and now he has E.D. and won’t do anything about it. I am trying to rediscover my sexual self but I feel like a really old virgin.
    He has been depressed many times over the years in our relationship and he is Toxic. He has purchased a Harley motorcycle for therapy and is still looking at other bikes(like checking them out). I over heard him telling a friend, he found the one and he’s in love. How do I compete with a shiney black and chrome motorcycle?
    Does this object really fill his heart with love?

  81.  #81Karen on November 10, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    I am very new to this post. I recently read something about “feeling messages” I am courious, what is that?

  82.  #82Bebabe on November 11, 2008 at 7:18 am

    Feeling is really so easy–expressing it in words takes a lot of work. I feel awake and happy in the morning! I am really angry my husband doesn’t care about making love.

  83.  #83Lin on November 11, 2008 at 7:45 am

    I feel bad for you. 10 years is a long time to go
    without the bonding that takes place with out love making… with your husband..
    How is he toxic ? Have you talked to him about
    your desire to make love with him. ?
    As in power speech, straight from your heart.

    This happened to me in my marriage.
    Have you gotten Rori’s relationship e-course.
    That’s a great start…. you can turn this around


  84.  #84Sarah on November 11, 2008 at 7:49 am


    My bf isnt sure about whether he wants to marry me or even stay with me but when I asked him he said he wanted to stay with me. The problem is I need to decide whether I should get a job near him because I dont like long distance relationships. There arent many opportunities where we are now, so what should I do?

  85.  #85Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 8:57 am

    I don’t know your situation in detail other than waht you ahve shared with us here but due to the situation that I personally am in I would urge you to not give up anything for this man until you not only have a ring on your finger and a date set but that you are officially married and THEN move!! I made this very mistake back in January and give up everything for the man that I love….and I mean I gave up everything to move here to be with him. We were to get married one month after I moved here so that I had time to settle in and get my bearings. Shortly after I got here he announced that we were not going to get married in the time frame that we planned…that he does still love me and will marry me…eventually…when HE thinks that the time is right but we are still not married. PLEASE please please do not give up anything for this man. He may be a wonderful man and very well may intend on marrying you but you have to take care of you!! I am now in a situation where I am in a city all by myself as my ‘fiance’ is on the road Mon – Fri so I am all by myself and there are no jobs here. My life is completely on hold as a result of my trusting him. I do not want to see any woman do what I did by trusting a man to do what he says he will do without a solid committment behind those words!

    I hope that I have not offended you in any way…I simply wish you the best and don’t want to see you in my situation. It is still my hope that my man and I will get married but in the mean time… life is on hold and he has given up absolutely nothing. I don’t want to see you go through this. If he truly loves you – he will dothe right thing to make sure that YOU are taken care of and married BEFORE you give up your life where you are.

    With love and hugs to you…..

  86.  #86Allie on November 11, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have been in “relationship/friendship” with a guy for two and a half years. He has 90% of the time made me feel awful about myself. When we first met each other I was recently separated and he was still dreaming about the “one that got away” some girl that according to him strung him along for 1 ½ years and dumped him at the end. Five months after we have met, she came back into his life and apologized. I immediately ended things with him after that. Only three days later did he contacted me again to tell me that it was not going to work with this girl at all. Things picked up where we had left off…I mean after all we were just “friends” anyway. We live in separate cities and it’s a long distance relationship. But, he calls me every day and he texts me and emails me every single day several times a day. We have great conversations and he can be kind and sweet, he has been very supportive of the difficulties that I am going through in my divorce. I get a lot of mix signals from him, one day he will be very sweet and treat me like his woman and another day he just wants to talk finance, politics and he has never once told me that I am beautiful or says nice things to me or even things to me that show me that he sees me as a woman.

    There are three issues that hold him back from wanting a relationship with me, the first would be that I am divorced and have children, even though he likes the kids a lot. He has never come out and said that to me out-right, but I know. The second that he has mentioned to me is that I am from a different ethnic group and that this would never be acceptable to his parents. He often hurts my feelings by referencing and underlining that difference between us…this creates so much tension and resentment that it makes me hate him. I have been reading your e-letters’ for a year and I have purchased three of your programs but I can’t seem to make progress with in myself…let alone this relationship. Please help me…am I really un-trainable or just a sucker for pain. I have been in every situation that you have described and I have also made every single mistake imaginable, but how do I put the breaks on this?

    We are currently not speaking because he keeps bringing up to me topics about multiculturalism that offend me and I told him so. The next day he sends me a text that said “I’m sorry if I have upset you, it’s never my purpose”. I just replied back “no problem. I know. Have a great day”.

    Rori, I desperately need to know if this is beyond repair, if my situation is completely hopeless and I should just give up.


    P.S. Feel free to edit my letter or to contact me if you have any questions. I really hope you can help me end this terrible heartache.

  87.  #87Becca on November 11, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Dear Rori,

    It feels so weird to be able to go from feeling icky and sad and unsure to happy and radiant and excited all in one day or sometimes within the space of minutes. I often wake up in the morning with a heavy ache in my heart as I know he is not there and I miss him and I have been allowing myself to feel my sadness and telling myself this is ok. I like being honest like this with myself, but it still hurts. I try to remember many things I am grateful for in life -and there ARE many – wonderful friends and family, and a wonderful job opportunity interstate for next year. It just feels too overwhelming and difficult sometimes to bring myself back to being positive when I feel down. I feel empty and lonely sometimes though my heart is always aching. And I miss him, though I wish it felt much easier to move on.
    I know now that I have to move on as he has not contacted me in over 3 weeks. I feel confused and ignored and a bit angry that he has treated me like this and want to tell him this, but that would mean getting back into masculine energy and initiating contact with him, which is why I have not. It takes all my willpower to NOT contact him and I still cannot stop thinking about him (though I think about him a bit less than I used to). I have been trying to keep busy and hang out with other guys and just friends and family in general. I love hanging out with friends and family and so I can see that this is a good thing that has come out of not being with him. I had lost contact with some of my own friends as we always used to spend time with his friends even though this was also my fault due to my neediness and overfunctioning and always wanting to be where he was. How can I get him out of my head?
    I feel like I am learning but it feels like every time I feel I have taken a step forwards I move backwards again. I feel weird sometimes when I am trying to use feeling messages and change back to how I used to converse with others. And sometimes I am too scared to use feeling messages or I want to but they just don’t come out. I know I must use baby steps to get there but sometimes feel that I am going no where. Especially with him as he has not contacted me and I haven’t had the opportunity to use the feeling messages to get him feeling safe with me again. I feel panic now that I may have lost him forever but I have found myself again and I love that feeling of being me and I feel free sometimes now and I love this feeling too. But I miss him and his friendship and love and support and feeling like a team with him. It feels like a lump in the back of my throat that I can’t swallow and hot tears in my eyes. It feels like tension in my jaw. An ache in my heart that has been there for the last 4 months since he broke up with me and it get less sometimes and gets more sometimes but this ache won’t leave me. I feel so rejected and confused by his actions and feel an urge to tell him this but I am also scared and don’t want to initiate and be masculine with him so I do nothing and silently ache. And then I can start thinking of the new opportunities in my life now that he is gone and the ache is still there but in a way it feels exciting and scary and open and free. But also nervous and curious and unreal and different and especially scary. I have been feeling terrified by possibility lately, now that I have stopped trying to control others around me and the outcome to situations. I wonder if I can feel more love for someone who isn’t him but I know it will feel different and wondering if I will like it. And feeling like I am beating myself up for failing at the relationship when I now have tools that may have saved it but I did not have these tools back then. And ‘what ifs’ start overwhelming my mind and I try to ignore them. And I feel regret and wonder for what could have been and I hate admitting this to myself but it is there and I feel that I must be honest and true with myself now and can’t hide these feelings any longer. You have taught me that I can’t hide my feelings from myself any longer, Rori, and I know now that I must acknowledge them if I want them to change. And I do. I want more of the happy, exciting, butterfly in my stomach, dizzy, giddy feelings and less of the achy, icky, heavy feelings that weigh me down so often. I want to change my vibe so that men – all men – and everyone else can see the true, fabulous, irresistible, soft on the outside but strong on the inside ME. I want someone who will step up and row the boat, but I feel that I want it to be him…. even though this does not seem likely to ever happen now.
    I have also remembered these last couple of days that he has a few small items of mine still and I feel that I want them back before I move interstate in case I lose contact with him forever (which would make me sad and I feel sad just thinking that it might happen). How do I go about contacting him about this and can I use power speech to tell him how I feel at the same time? How do I use power speech in this situation or if he contacts me before (or if I don’t) contact him? Please help me with advice; could you give me some examples of power speech please? Sorry about the long post

    I love everyone on this blog, you all give me strength when I am feeling down. Thank you so much



    This quote helps put things into perspective sometimes:
    “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.”

  88.  #88Linda on November 11, 2008 at 8:07 pm

    Hello lovely Becca, you are doing so well! sometimes I think we sink back into the ironically comfortable depths of sadness when we find ourselves getting close to a new step, adventure or feeling. Don’t use your small items you left at your ex’s as an excuse to contact him. If you can do without them, do without thm. I know it’s killer when we have something to say. You are making great strides in building yourself up. Don’t beat yourself up. (Like I should talk) Here is some poetry for a siren:
    Compassionate toward yourself,
    you reconcile all beings in the world.

    — Lao-Tzu

  89.  #89Linda on November 12, 2008 at 3:08 am

    Two issues: two different men, by the way
    #1 what do you make of a man who absolutely does not respond to feeling messages?
    #2 what is the best way to connect with a man who specifically expresses that intellect is his biggest attraction factor?

  90.  #90Mariah on November 12, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I need some advise in how to handle a situation that I am in and turn things around.

    How do you make a man feel safe? and stop thinking that you are out to get him? I have been trying everything you suggest by focusing on me, not contacting him, busy with work ,dating but yet he still feels that I want to pin him down. He makes comments like- I know your tactics, when I am not even thinking in tactis. Does he get a vibe of me that I don’t know of it? Am I sending him a message that I am not aware of it?

    How can I turn this and make him feel safe with me? we are best friends but I am attracted to him in a different level and he knows it.

    confused…..waiting for a coment back, thanks!!!

  91.  #91Rori Raye on November 12, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Mariah – this is not a healthy situation. He sounds quite Toxic, and you sound like you want something fro him that he doesn’t feel, or that he doesn’t want to give. Walk away from him, and Circular Date. Love, Rori

  92.  #92Mariah on November 12, 2008 at 7:45 pm

    Thank you for your prompt response Rori! I just wanted to fill you in a little more to make sure I will do the right thing. This is a man that I met eight months ago, and we spend some time together as friends traveling and got romantic. After two weeks he wanted to go back to the “just friends” again. I have been trying, been dating, busy with my own life. But, we mantain daily communication either phone, emails or text and he is the one that innitiates if he does not hear from me for ‘one day’. He will call me at home, cell until he finds me. He sends me messages refering to me as” hi gorgeous”, “sunshine”, “beautiful girl”, “sexy” yet he needs to remind me often that we are ‘just friends’. Few weeks ago he came to my home to ask me why I wanted to be there, if I thought that spending time with him would lead into a future relationship.
    Today he sent me an email saying: “you are the strongest force in my life and I am happy you are in it!!’
    Rori, I don’t know how to handle this. Should I tell him I am walking away or just do it without saying a word? It is difficult because we have been talking everyday for the last eight months…even if he goes on business trips he will call me from there to tell me everything about his day…. is this ‘toxic man” behavior? I am lost and feel need to do something soon.
    Thank you again, and I love your postings and your inspiring emails.

  93.  #93Allie on November 12, 2008 at 8:20 pm

    Hi Mariah, Rori…I can totally relate this is just like the guy I have been for two and a half years. My heart just sank as I read your description…my guy does the same thing with me. Non-stop communication, even when I have tried to get away from him. I too have dated other guys, but even though part of me knows that I should take what he says at face value…I also secretly hope that this will change between us. I can’t explain the bond that we feel with these men…

    Mariah, have you ever asked yourself why do we keep hope alive for a relationship that as Rory said he does not want or cannot give?

  94.  #94Sarah on November 13, 2008 at 5:15 am


    Can anyone please help me? My question is that is it possible for a person to let go of someone they love just because they love the person? Also in what circumstances should they take this decision and how to go about it?


  95.  #95Bebabe on November 13, 2008 at 8:54 am

    Lin and Rori,
    Thanks for the comment!
    Have the Relationship you Want does take alot of work.
    My husband and I had a meaningful talk yesterday and he was sharing and LISTENING-wow.
    I have been dealing with my dark feelings and seem to be making a new start.
    Fights have always revolved around asking for a physical love relationship. Started Siren behavior and I think that is why we got to talk.
    Rori’s help has at least saved me and I’m not done yet.
    Relationship experts is a wonderful series.
    It is hard to just ditch a marriage of 32 years and 4 children–empty nest, menopause, male aging, death of parents, and economic backlash.
    I voted for change and the day it happened, my heart was lifted to a new better place that has made change in myself start to accellerate. Every day is new and worth it!
    Some quotes that helped:
    “You have no hope of connecting deeply to someone, if you are lying to them.”
    “Rid yourself of RAGE and inner peace can fill the void.”
    I think Rori may have saved my life because she has given me HOPE! and in such a caring and concerned way!
    I’m sending you all love in a smile!

  96.  #96Lin on November 13, 2008 at 10:10 am

    I am happy for you.. and I do admire you for doing all the work to get your marriage on good track again…. I do feel many people just give up… however I do feel with all those years and children.. its really worth.. the work.. to
    make it whole again…!!! Good for you !!!
    Rori is so wonderful .. the work here is nothing i ever saw before… it really works..
    and all the women on this blob,,, are so special
    honest and really in pain and working so hard.
    I do feel you will turn your marriage around to be the loving relationship you need it to be.
    I feel its extra hard for us women to be rejected in that way….it hurts a lot… ! so my heart goes out to you… and I am so glad you
    know what to do to turn it around… now.
    thank you Rori !!
    Big Hugs to Everyone

  97.  #97Mariah on November 13, 2008 at 11:30 am

    Hi Allie,

    thanks for sharing… I have asked that question many times. I think it is because we just want to be loved and we feel that “that connection” is just going to lead into a fulfilling loving relationship. I also believe that we know that those man are not healthy themselves to carry on a real relationship. Am I right here Rori? what do you think??


  98.  #98Rori Raye on November 13, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Mariah – He’s a FRIEND, period. That’s it. Get your energy out of there and go take care of yourself, date, and allow a man who wants to be your lover, friend and husband find you and claim you. You do not need men friends. Tell him simply, via the same format he contacts you in – phone, text, email – that you want a committed lifelong marriage and that you don’t have time for a man friend in your life, especially one that you have strong feelings for, and that you won’t be returning any of his calls or emails. Do it sweetly, simply, with feeling messages and then go through this transition in touch with your feelings. DATE. However this feels to you now – it’s way better than how this will feel to you 6 months from now when you’re in the same place with him. In Circular Dating – you do not date “friends.” Love, Rori

  99.  #99Rori Raye on November 13, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    We hang on because we don’t believe we deserve real love. Because we’re more afraid to RECEIVE than we are of being alone.

    Keep turning toward your own dreams, and AWAY from any specific man who is NOT nurturing those dreams.

    Sounds simple – Just practice and it’ll happen for you. Love, Rori

  100.  #100KM on November 13, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    I have a problem. I am one of those girls who always had a boyfriend, gave him my life, and got sick of him a few years later, dumped him, found my life again, and got a new boyfriend. Now I am seven years into a marriage, and things are so bad, that I wonder if he even likes to hang out with me sometimes. A few weeks ago, he said it is just easier to not be around me sometimes. I have been reading your e-mails and things have gotten a little better, because I am trying to pay more attention to myself and forget about him, but it is hard. I have no life. I am very busy in school, and now that I am leaving him alone to do what he wants, he has friends coming out of the woodwork. He is going to Maui with his brother instead of me in December when I am done with school, and I will be taking care of the kids. He thinks this is payment for doing all the home stuff while I have been in school, and he thinks that it will be more fun with his brother anyway. His mother hates me, and I lived with his parents for a year last year, while trying to get into medical school. I was not invited to her week long 60th birthday party in San Diego, I stayed home and watched the kids so he could go and enjoy a trip with the family, including his sister’s fiance. Also now when he visits, I don’t go anymore, he comes home in a hateful towards me mood. I don’t think he will leave me, he is very catholic, and I think he would stay in a miserable marriage rather than leave, and just not pay attention to me. I get what you are saying about trying to do what I enjoy and trying to just have fun, but how do you have fun when you are so sad, all the time, and you don’t have any life except with him anyway. I am in medical school by the way, so my schooling is really an incredible time suck. I also have a problem with being either totally loving and giving or coming off cold and mad, I can’t find the in-between happy with myself right now attitude. Things have not always been this way, when we first got together he wanted to do things with me, wanted to take me on dates, and propsed 5 months into dating. Also since reading your e-mails he has cooked me a date dinner, and had the kids in their own beds, and been sleeping in our bed every night. I also don’t really have the time to be all mind messed up over him right now. I have finals in three weeks, and I need to do well in order to pass my classes. Our kids are wonderful, and we both love them. I just feel like a second class to him.

  101.  #101KIrsten on November 14, 2008 at 8:42 am

    Hi Rori:

    My boyfriend of 2 years recently asked for some space. Which I am giving him. We started drifting a part probably 6 months ago. We did not talk about what was happening just started growing a part emotionally. I have been the one to contact him and ask him to do things and he has always said yes. I know at this point you suggest not initiating any contact with him. But I have a concern. During my marriage of 20 years I was sexually abused by my husband. I went thru 2 years of therapy to get through this and thought I had. But is wasn’t until I became intimate with my boyfriend that I noticed I had not worked thru everything. When he would initiate sex he would tell me to relax and to just enjoy it and that this could just be about me, but I was not comfortable with that. Soon, not really known to me, but I was taking charge, I initiated sex all the time, I never let him. I came to realize that by me laying there not being active in the sexual experience, not being in charge I felt the same feelings as I felt with my ex. I was so uncomfortable and uneasy. I ‘m pretty sure I took control, so I would not feel those feelings again of having no control. I definitely have a trust issue. I told my boyfriend about the abuse, but never told him how sex was making me feel. So, I was wondering if I should say something now. Or just follow your tools and do nothing and just show him I am changing instead of explaining that I want to change and I am trying to understand my feelings and working thru this issue. Please let me know your thoughts.

  102.  #102Mariah on November 14, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I read your advice and will be honest with you, I didn’t think I could just do that. Tell him that I don’t want any contact,but something happened today and it changed the whole scenario. Two days ago I asked him for some time and of course yesterday he contacted me via tex- asking to remind him why we were taking a break. Well, I answered back saying-” because you can not handle my love for you”, he replied by saying – ” oh yes, now I remember, so if I start handling your love for me can we became familiar again?”
    I felt a little sarcasm in those words and today I asked him if he was being sarcastic with his answer. Only because he made a point to wanting to talk to me in person to tell me what is going on in his life. So, his answer was yes…ihe was being sarcastic, he wants me as a friend that is all.

    OK now… I was very upset that he treated me with such disrespect and told him exactly what you told me to say. I don’t want to be your friend and please do not contact me ever again and have a wonderful life.

    Rori, right now I am having mix feelings. I feel angry, disapointed, hurt, disrespected, taken for granted …. and the list goes on. I don’t want to blame myself, but I can’t help thinking that my behavior allowed this man to play with me in that manner with no regards for my feelings. I need to stay away from him, and move on….thank you for the support I would like to hear your input again.


  103.  #103Linda on November 14, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    I feel for you. It’s so hard to admit that maybe we made the wrong choices, took the wrong actions. When we are so used to making the overtures, keeping the relationship going, it feels odd and disconcerting to back off, to create boundaries. I think your guy was just lashing out at you, being immature with that sarcastic response. He wants you to feel guilty and he wants to have the last word. It’s a power thing, I think. I’m no expert, I have been in the same place. What you accomplish, though, is a feeling of self respect and although he is acting out all bratty about what you said, I think it raises your status to stand up for yourself. Change is scary, very scary. Sometimes we have to just be brve enough to shake things up, shake him up, shakes ourselves up. But I am also a work in progress.
    Rori, please tell us both, what you think.

  104.  #104Rori Raye on November 14, 2008 at 11:53 pm

    It doesn’t matter what Mariah’s “friend” was thinking, what he was feeling, or what he was doing. All he wants is friendship. He said that loud and clear. It’s not something you need, Mariah to emotionally dance around, figure out, think about, or even involve yourself in. It’s not a matter of respect, or if he was playing with you. It’s not something you can control, or something you might have changed earlier on.

    It’s very practical. You do not want friendship with this man. You want a relationship with a man who wants a relationship with you. Therefore, because he only wants friendship, you choose to remove yourself, without dramatic emotion, and put yourself where a man who really wants you can find you. Please just try to experience this in this simple way. You are focusing on you – that’s all. Love, Rori

  105.  #105Linda on November 15, 2008 at 1:55 am

    Thanks, Rori, for correcting my thought pattern. Seems I still have tons to learn and even more to let go of.

  106.  #106Linda on November 15, 2008 at 5:25 am

    Sorry, Mariah, I was overfunctioning.

  107.  #107Mariah on November 15, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    Hi everyone! thanks for all the support and Rori thank you for simplifying it. In fact, I do feel good about it and I know it was best this way! I will miss talking to him, but as you said six months from now I will be in a different place. I will not waste one minute of my time with him any longer and will expose myself to man that are truly interested in me.

    thanks again,


  108.  #108Linda on November 17, 2008 at 10:13 pm

    Dear Rori

    Where to start? I was coming out of a 27 year marriage. It looked great on the outside but dead and empty on the inside. I was lonely and tired of going thru the motions. I decided to leave, got a good job, and bought a house. Shortly after deciding to leave I met a man online. I had had other men I talked to , had even met a couple. But for one reason or another nothing was good with them they did not match what I was looking for. I felt hurt and rejection (I know because of trying to get validation from them instead of myself) but I kept hoping to change my life. Back to man I met that was different. After not returning his attempted contacts I decided to respond. It was not long until all was moving forward. I wanted a new life and he indicated he did as well. He was in the process of leaving his marriage as well but did not know the timing. I never asked him to leave he did make the decision on his own. I took it as he wanted me. His words and action all indicated that. He pursued me, craved me, called me every day, all was wonderful. He was more than anything I could have ever imagined. He loved me in ways I did not know a man was willing to do. ! We were was sooo happy. He had an apartment but in a short time was actuality living with me. We loved being together. Could not wait to to see each other. Were best friends all was mutual. One year had passed and his and my divorce were dragging out. Suddenly he began to act differently. He said we should not live together anymore and I agreed to that because of religious beliefs that we had both sidelined. It was hard but felt that we were making the right moves for a “better and right” relationship to move forward. We discussed it all and came to mutal agreement.

    He distanced himself a bit but not totally. He behaved differently, (not as attentive) but I accepted that. Then I found out that he had distanced himself not because of being “right” but because he had gotten involved with another woman online and had been meeting her. I was in shock, this perfect man.. was a liar?. We talked and before I knew it he was breaking it off with her and back with me that very day! Trust was violated but I forgave and did not ever bring it up again. Unforgiveness is like a poison you drink and expect the other to die! My pattern in life was to not forgive and I ended up with nothing but emptiness. This time I wanted a different outcome.

    Another year passed and all was good again. He was never quite as attentive but I know that kind of intensity we had togehter can not be sustained all the time. Our connection was still amazing. I did not just assume commitment would happen, we talked about it too. About a year after his first distancing he began to act that way again. His divorce had gotten ugly and he had become more and more distraught over it. He did not talk of the future with me like he did anymore etc. When I finally got the courage to ask and hear what he had to say no matter what his answer was he said gave me the same story as before. Needed to get right with God and needed space ,to work thru his anger with his wife and do so. It felt the same as it did a year ago I suspected that there was another woman again in the back of my mind. I even said it he assured me there was not. The prior six months it was as if I watched a dynamic man and relationship bleed to death before my eyes and no matter what I did I could not help. I agreed to the space. He still called me, texted etc. We saw each often but he was detached and distant. Then he came over one day and he had hickies on his neck! He had done it again. I tried to understand him.. we were not together…here I was getting my act together…and he was out messing around…. (which to my knowledge he has not given her up to this very day) We saw each other a bit for about a month. I tried to respond to giving him what he needed and verbally asked for but it did not change things. It only was betraying myself and I knew that. His distance worsened. I could not take it anylonger and was going to cut if off with him but he says.. {he needed to take a break from our relationship) ! He said he was not walking away but needed to deal with the finialization of his divorce and deal with his anger.

    I hurt. Despite everything that has happened and everything I have read and know I can do… the reality is I love this man deeply. Three weeks have gone by and I have been working on disconnecting my emotional dependance upon him (which I see he greatly encouraged and fostered). There had been no contact at all. I decided to call him a few days ago. Why? because the silence felt infantile and it only seemed to prove that two mature adults had proven that they could not…. I called and left a message then texted just to make sure he knew I had contacted him. I told him that I was choosing to break the silence between us and if he decided to not return the call then that was his choice! I truley did not care if he called me back. You see by contacting him it was my way of getting a power back that I felt like I given away to him and I felt peace. I heard from him in a few minutes thru text. ( I have read catch him and keep him and numerous other things for weeks now) I have since breaking the silence seen him twice. He asked if he could bring pizza over. We ate, played cards and had fun. I kept it light, directed the evening, I did not push anything. The next day we went to church, and raked leaves. We were like friends spending time together. Our interation was not strained at all. I did disclose some things I was working on in my own life. He was quiet but said he thought is was good. I am not pushing, and am facing that we may never have the relationship that we seemed to both desired in the beginning.

    I see a major obsticle in the way of a renewed relationship, this man is depressed due to repressed years of anger. He has told me he was sooo sad.. he could not give anything to anybody? he was just sad….and he was sorry for the wall there was between us It is like he wants out but is trapped by his own demons. His behavors and words send out crys for help and yet he distances himself. He is not emotionally healthy and I see that. He may even be a serial relationship addict, running to other women instead of working through his issues. It is all driven by depression I think. He may even be bipolar (he has a brother that is)
    I have invested 2 years of my life with him. He is very capable of being exactly what I want and need because he was at one time. I would like to help him be that man if I can.Yes I want a relationship with that man not this one. My faith in God place a part in this desire and hope that things can be right. I want to know what to do beside strengthen myself, not be needy etc set boundries, ( have read so much on line and downloaded so many books) I want to know what tool to use to help dislodge this self distructive place in him if I can. I dont see why we can both win. He is not a looser but behaving like someone who does not repsect himself and purposly sabatoging our relationship. I am not wrong or weak for loving him still and hoping for him to be what he once was. I am not chasing him, pushing him. I am simply not willing to throw in the towel at this point. I want an opportunity to do the right thing or o\have a tool to push the right buttons to fix this if possible. I have placed boundries for the next round of interactions with him if they happen. I know what I will and wont do for love. I want to know how to get that started. We truely were good together. My religious beliefs play a factor in this and want practical tools to use to help aid healing our relationship. Just a month ago he have me a card that simply said I was the best thing that has ever happened to him…and then he left.! Do you have any suggestions or is this beyond your ability to help?

  109.  #109Jenaveeve on November 18, 2008 at 2:49 am

    I feel soo Confused! Someone from my past has contacted me and Im not sure if I should respond.. In the past I played games w him because I wasnt sure how to KEEP him attracted to me. But now Ive learned that playing games and playing hard to get does not work. Im just not sure what his motives are. I want to believe that he thinks Im this Intriguing Unforgettable Creature since he has kept in contact w me for a number of years now. (After meeting for the first time on the subway in NY, he sporadically kept in contact w me by phone, then later by text but the next time I saw him was 3 years later!) Because there was such a build-up when we did finally see each other again, we slept together (it was explosive!) and of course that changed everything. I feel like we both fulfilled each other’s fantasy but of course I wanted more and he backed off and disappeared.

    I moved to Miami shortly after that happened and it’s been over a year since Ive heard from him. I got an email yesterday saying “hey……” and Ive felt perplexed ever since. I feel his attempt at getting back in contact w me is kinda weak. How do you feel about it Rori and how should I handle this? There are other men from my past who came looking for me again and I feel I may have more to learn from them….. I dont know, Im soo confused:(

  110.  #110TW on November 18, 2008 at 4:38 am

    I need help. I have been seeing this guy off and on for 7 years of my life which is a good chunk of my adult life because I am under 30. I actually met him before I got married and when my marriage got too much for me and I started seeing him and we were with each other for a bout a year before we split because I wanted to see other ptople which hurt his feelings a lot. He was a lot wilder back then. Loved women and had his pick of the litter so to speak. We never lost our connection and we still haven’t. Back in the day he would not kiss me in front of his friends because this was a male no no. He had to be hard in front of them. Now when I go to see him at work he will intitiate a kiss in front of them which boggles my mind. We had the sexual exclusivity talk and after that Ihad a minor slip up but none since and he says that he has not been with anyone else. Now here is the clncher. He goes from hot to cold in a millisecond. I tried to have the commitment talk with him and he came out and told me that he felt I was pressuring him and then the light bulb went off in my head because I was. I was desperate and wrote him letters saying how I was the one for him and that he put other females before me and treated them better than me which could have been true and could not have been true. Who am I to say how well or bad they were treated. I would see him and immediately start to cry. I am in love with this man but he has pulled away. He does not call much, doesnt answer my text at night, he doesnt take me out anymore. I think I pushed him away with negativity because I always make him feel like he is the problem and if he would jsut commit to me then all of our problems will be solved. Whatever. The talks made the situation worse because before all of that he was calling and wanting to see me all the time. He is one of the people closest to me and I seek his advice on everything and vice versa. He asks my opinion of a lot of things. I want to marry this man and I know it. I am very clear on my wants and my needs but unclear on how to go about them. Please help me!! I jsut want to patch it up and make him come to me for a change and make me feel special and wanted. I do not want him to need me in his life but I want the sensualness to return in our sex. The last time we had sex it felt like the first time. He touched me and caressed me and gave me deep passionate kisses and I could feel him throughout my body but after that he pulls away again. I think he has a deep fear of commitment and he has stated in the past that I left him. Maybe he thinks I will leave him again and that is why he will not officially move foward with me. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

  111.  #111Jen on November 18, 2008 at 1:07 pm


    I’m dating this wonderful guy. We were def in an imaginary relationship for a couple of months when he told me he wasn’t ready for the real deal. I let him know I felt fine with that but that I feel like I want a real love relationship and asked him to please give me my space while I go and find it. Well, I dated and dated and he kept calling and calling and texting. After about a month I answered back. We spoke. I told him I felt very apprehensive about speaking wiht him as everything I said in our last conversation I still felt very sure about. He begged to see me . I told him I wasn’t sure and I’d have to think about it. Finally I said yes and we went out. Since then (couple of weeks) things have been very very good. He’s spending a lot of time with me, reaching out for me, doing for me, picking me up, calling me regularly, talking about things we’ll do in the future. He even called me his girlfriend a couple of days ago. But, here’s the kicker. I don’t necessarily feel like his girlfriend. He hasn’t said I love you. We had breakfast yesterday said goodbye and he said he’d call later that day (Mon.), but he hasn’t yet (Tues.). I felt bad about it all day. I cried. My dad thinks I’m silly. He was saying men don’t put the same emphasis on calling as women do and to let it go. And that i’m being too demanding. I’m sure I’ll hear from him today but I don’t know how to handle this. Do I bring this up? Will he think I’m nitpicking? Do I go back to dating other men?
    Ugh. Where is the line between being too sensitive and being assertive??? In other words, do we share every feeling we have when we have a problem with something they’ve done.

    Thank you,

  112.  #112Rori Raye on November 18, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    Jen – How old are you? It makes a difference in what I’ll say. Rori

  113.  #113Mariah on November 18, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Hi Rori,

    just wanted to send you an update on my situation. I have completely cut off my friend and I feel good about it… actually I feel strong. I have not heard back from him either.
    I was offered the job that I was interviewed one week ago, I am so excited! and I am on the works to start circular dating. There are a few man interested in me and I will practice what you sugested.

    thank you,

  114.  #114Jen on November 18, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’m 33 1/2.


  115.  #115TW on November 18, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    Jen I feel the same way. It is so hard to get anything out of a man. It is like we always have to accept what they dish out. I am somewhat tired of my situation being the way that it is but I love the man. Period!! I am working on working through my feelings and getting them through to him to the point it does not feel like an attack. I have just decided not to say anything for now and when I feel it is time then I will go about it. I am making a list of my feelings and my wants and I am trying to decipher them at the present time so when I figure me out then I will go to him but if he does not call then it is okay with me because I am spending some much needed time by myself, plus my ex boyfriend has been keeping me company because him and his girlfriend just broke up so we use each other for comfort but he are having a lot of fun in the process and keeping our minds off the issues at hand.

  116.  #116Jen on November 19, 2008 at 12:10 am

    HI TW,

    I wanted to reply to your text because it spoke to me, and who I was before I “met” Rori and her wonderful teachings. I had a few thoughts I wanted to share with you. It sounds like you are choosing your words, as Rori says as part of her mantra – in deciding that you will let him know how you feel when you feel it is right. But, my feeling in reading your post is that you may be storing up these feeling and, even though you may not know it, gearing up for a big confrontation with him.
    I am in the most significant relationship since my ex and I broke up (after 2 1/2 yrs. and him asking my parents to marry, me than backing away for good) and finally, I get it…..well, I’m a work in progess. And I have to tell you I have never ever felt better about a relationship in my life – because I am a woman who honors her feelings. I let him know in feeling messages when something is bothering me. Just tonight – he called me (I was upset that he didn’t call me last night when he said he would) and after he asked me to do somthing this weekend I said to him
    ‘ well, I have other plans but I feel like I would love to see you, I’m sorry I can’t.’
    his response ‘what, what do you mean, I thought we’d do something together this weekend, I mentioned it to you the other day’.
    Jen: ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t feel like those were concrete plans. Actually, I was feeling a little weird – I guess, a little uncomfortable when I didn’t hear from you yesterday. I would love to see you but I have other plans.

    After which I told him, I was sorry but I had to run because i was going out to dinner and was going to run late.

    Do you know what happened?? He called two more times tonight!! He couldnt’ stand it that I stood up for myself, without being angry at him, and that I wasn’t completely available to him this weekend.
    It’s amazing what happens when we honor our feelings and get out and make our own life!!

  117.  #117TW on November 19, 2008 at 1:08 am

    Jen- I understand where you are coming from but I am a visual person and have been since middle school. I would listen to the lectures of my teachers and write my notes of keywords while they were talking and then once I got home and read over them I was able to remember the whole lecture almost detail for detail and this helped me out test time. I started jouraling around that time too just to get things off my chest. My feelings were not truly real to me until I saw them on paper and the words actually came out of my mouth. When I saw the words I FEEL SCARD, for the first time I was able to FEEL the words instead of just saying them. After I made my list of fears and wants and put them into a letter form and read it, I felt my stomach quiver and tears were running down my face and for the first time I felt okay about feeling scared because I knew why through the process of journaling. I felt okay that I felt insecure about where my life was going with him and I was able to just be. My hands were shaking and I could barely stand up at that moment. It was one of the most empowering feelings that I have every had. When he called he told me that it was freezing temperatures that night and that I should turn on my heat and make sure the boys were bundled up. For a second I thought, it would not be so cold if I were not sleeping alone but instead I said thank you for being concerned about me and the boys, that was really sweet of you and oddly enough the conversation continued for a little while. I know in his mind that he wanted me to say come over because I am always the one following him and trying to get him to come and see me all the time but I want him to come to me and since that aspect did not come up I did not feel the need to discuss it. We had a HUGE blow up emotionally about a month or two ago and I learned then that was not the way to go and it was not because my feelings were bottled up it was because I had absolutely no clue how to express them when I said it. I went into psycho mode and he said that he felt like I was trying to force him into a relationship and I was. I realize now that I should have said how I felt using feeling words instead of you dont do this or you don’t do that and if you did this we would not be like this and then I followed by being assertive and doing anything it was I thought I could do to make HIM happy but yet I was still not getting anywhere. Now, through Rori and these post I see why. CRAZINESS!!! Through the journaling and making list process it has allowed me to accept myself and ALL of my feelings. I do not see them as good or bad but just feelings that I need to work through. Jen, you ladies have been such a blessing to me because just a few days ago I was an emotional mess and now after making my to do list, I have so many things keeping me occupied all I have time to do now is worry about what am I going to do next no matter how small it is instead of worrying about HIM and what HE is doing and who he is doign it with and why, I am worried about me and what I want to do and who I want to do it with. I get down sometimes but I go to my list and jsut picksomething to do and then I feel so much better that I did something to make myself happy.

  118.  #118Jen on November 19, 2008 at 1:17 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Wondering why you were interested in my age in regards to my earlier blog?

    Thanks 🙂

  119.  #119Jen-B on November 20, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    Hi Rori~~

    Some time back u told me to start wif ur book…I read ur book and took the instructions to talk to him in feelings~~ I hear him at level 2 and told him what I want instead of pointing on the spot of where he has done wrong… I told him how the actions have hurt me and make me feel… and I want ( ) – whatever it is. He tells me that he hates it when I feel terrible. I didn’t know guys hates it when we feel terrible. I can see his face light up when I tell him I feel happy when he does ( ) – whatever it is. – should I tell him often? It feels really unnatural for me. It is really difficult for me…when it comes to verbal communication. I do best in writing…but talking…I feel so scare whenever we have “the talk”.

    He share wif me more now… when I apply level 2 listening. We used to have nothing to talk about…silence in car, silence during bf, lunch, dinner… after work he would jus lie on the couch and watch tv and fall alseep…

    Jus for recall ~ I’m here to visit him for 3 months…and I came 80 thousand miles from home.

    Thou things did improve..I want to cut my trip short… first reason is to focus on myself…and my job… I feel that if I stay any longer… it might not help… His actions are confusing me and I am not sure what he wants. Or if I’m jus here to meet his needs. He starts to touch me more often now… I notice little & big things – how thoughtful he is and how selfish he can be. So they’re really mix messages.

    Will I push him away if I tell him we should stay as friends? I just want him to make up his mind… the last we talk, he told me that he is jus unsure about us… there’re things abt me that he can’t accept and I told him that if he can’t, then we should move on to find other ppl and stay as friends… and whenever we come to this, he would tell me it’s hard cos he does love me and then he would distract/avoid going further in the conversation to come to conclusion… the last talk, he jus said- let’s bring this to the living room… then he turn on the tv… I started crying and he comforted me for a bit n changed the subject to whatever the tv is showing.

    What should I do next? I dunno if I should continue this r/s when I go back home… if yes, how do I apply those skills 80 thousand miles away through phone and emails? We were great before I came… he only changed drastically to another person when I came to visit him…

    Should I just tell him straight about being friends cos he is not ready for a relationship? Many times I feel like I’m just here to fill up the space so his loneliness won’t appear… there was once or twice he said he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend if tis r/s ends… does it mean he does want it to end? I hate tis guessing game….at the same time, I don’t know how to ask him without sounding like attacking. So many times I kept silence. I feel pretty disabled on this. Is there a way to solve this?

    Btw, can I watch the modern siren online? If I order it, it’ll be send to my bf’s house… I really don’t want him to see it… and I don’t live in the states…

    Thanks for listening…

  120.  #120Jen on November 24, 2008 at 10:59 am

    Feeling awkward with the new ways..

    The man I’m dating is wonderful. This is our second go around (first was only 2 mos than I walked away b/c he said he wasn’t ready) we’ve been back now 3 wks. (I know he came back b/c I used Rori’s teachings) and everything is really moving along nicely. I know it’s because I’m using Rori’s techniques. He’s wanting to see me more and it feels better to be with this is going somewhere. My problem is this new way of being seems very AWKWARD at times. I’m talking less and I’m wondering if that means I’m coming across as less interesting. It’s awfully quiet sometimes. I’m hoping he doesn’t think I’m boring because I’m not opening up converstations or being funny. I’m listening at level 2, etc. Is this normal? Will it always be this way? I’m getting hung up – is starting converstations and being funny is leaning forward?? Last night we were watching a movie and instead of saddling up to him laying on the couch I sat in my own spot with my own blanket. I kept wanting him to reach out and ask me to lay with him..but I stayed still. That night he kissed me goodnight and rolled over. UGH. I don’t feel like myself – cute and flirty and funny because I’m so concerned with leaning back. Will this awkwardness fade? What if he’s just a guy that just won’t reach out or talk to or touch me as much as I need.
    Need some guidance 🙂

  121.  #121CMT on November 24, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I recently downloaded your e-book “Have the Relationship You Want” and found it very helpful. Now I have been reading these postings and have decided to add my own. I hope that you’ll be able to provide some guidence specific to this situation (or a good kick in the teeth, whichever is more suited).

    Here is my situation…I have been living in Italy for the past two years studying and working as a chef. I have recently returned to the states with the plan to return to Italy as soon as possible. While I was there I met the most amazing man and we fell totally and completely in love. Not only did we work together but we ended up living together too. The relationship happened very fast, over the course of 7-months and I should mention that he is a significant number of years younger than me. 15 to be exact.

    I realize that this age difference and the speed of the reationship has all sorts of judgments attached to it but I will tell you that I believe, as does he, that our age difference and timing is not an issue for us. When I discuss this with my friends here I find myself feeling like I need to defend my intelligence for this choice or defend his level of maturity or ability to commit at his age. I won’t do that here but please assume that I am a successful, intelligent woman who has met a man that connects with me on physical, mental, emotional and maturity levels more than any man I have ever met.

    It was very difficult for us to part but we made plans for my return as soon as I could secure a visa. We both want to live in Italy and build a future and family together. We talked about these plans very much during our time together. I have been back in the states for a month and during the early part of my return we communicated many times a day via email, video conference and telephone. Every interaction has been one of great love and missing of each other. We altered our plans somewhat and agreed that he would come here to the US for 3-months while I secure my visa for return to Italy.

    About a week or two ago the communication started to slowly taper off. When we did talk I (incorrectly I now know from reading your e-book) started to assume the worst. I was convinced he had another woman or that he had decided that he was wrong about how he felt about me. I wasn’t trusting him and my reaction was one of desperation and questioning. We had only two such conversations and both times he reassured me that he loved me, that we would be together soon and that I needed to trust him. He continually told me to remember only that he loved me and that would carry me through. He made reassurances that he was working very hard but that he understood (and that it was important) that we maintained the level of communication daily whether it be email and/or phone so that we would both be comfortable.

    Unfortunately things did not improve this last week. I had stopped contacting him in hopes that he would return but when he did the messages were short. I have called him once or twice and both times he was otherwise engaged and had said he would return my call shortly thereafter. He did not return those calls. Yesterday I received an email from him saying how much he loved me, how lucky he was to have me and how he is so proud of me, my accomplishments etc etc. We then continued to exchange playful communication throughout the day.

    When I got home last night I decided to call to say hello. I reached him while he was out with some friends having a drink and he said that he would be finished shortly and call me when he got home which he did not. Usually I receive an email from him in the mornings so it is waiting for me when I wake up. I have not received these lately and he has not, today, contacted me.

    Fact of the matter is that I’ve had it. This morning I made the decision to end this tourture and I sent him an email (since it’s the only limited communication we have now) to say that I felt pressure and stress and that I do not want to do this this way anymore. The good news is that, because of your book, I was able to choose my words carefully and include no blame or anger. I simply stated that this wasn’t woking for me and that I did not want to continue this way. I told him that I loved him but that my feeings were changing to anger and hurt and I wanted to remember our times together with fondness and not bitterness.

    I love him very much and very much want to turn the tables back around but am unsure whether it is impossible. The added difficulty of being thousands of miles apart for this time is making it so much harder for me to keep my head on straight.

    As an aside (or sub question) I was told once that if a man is interested in you, there is nothing that would keep him from getting in contact with you. He would find a way. And when a man is not contacting you, he is not interested. It’s that simple and women should acknowledge that instead of trying to fabricate a million excuses for a man that doesn’t contact them. Rori, what do you think of this?

    So in the end, am I just being blind to the fact that he is not interested in me anymore and cut my losses? He is absolutely pullling away but his mixed messages of deep love and non-action have my head in a spin.

    I’m hoping for some impartial, “tough-love” advice from you. My friends and family are wonderful but, as with anyone, they have difficulty being impartial because they sincerely do not want to see me hurt. The sad thing is that I know this stems from my lack of self-esteem and not believing that I am worthy of his love. I just want to know how I can help myself overcome this, move on from this or commit to trusting this, or what???

    I really appreciate any help you can provide.
    Thanks so much

  122.  #122Rori Raye on November 24, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    Welcome, CMT – this is a logistics nightmare, first and foremost. Is he coming to the US? And if not, how fast can you get back to Italy is the goal here. If I were you I’d start dating men right now, flirting, no sex, hanging out, until you feel better and less clingy. Don’t call him, and don’t be upset if he doesn’t call you. Focus on ATTRACTING him by being happy – and then, magically, he’ll call. That’s the way it works. Love, Rori

  123.  #123CMT on November 25, 2008 at 11:43 am

    Thank you Rori for your response. Yes, it is a logistical nightmare, even without him in the picture. The plan as it stood was that he would come to America next month while I secure my visa. The decision was made because we didn’t want to be apart until I returned to Italy. I will be returning to Italy as soon as the visa is ready…with or without him as part of the picture.

    I will surely take your advice and do nothing but focus on myself but I am still wondering whether I should invest the effort in trying to reconnect this relationship. I suppose the answer is right in front of me isn’t it? Do nothing and if he does not return it was not what I thought it was even though I want to believe that it is. By initiating contact with him I will be repeating the steps that sabotage my relationships anyway. Pretty straight forward huh?

    The problem is that I feel I am just waiting for the “chance” to utilize these new tools I am learning (again I recognize the irony here of what you are trying to teach me) and know that I lack the strength to “keep it up”. Can you point me to any blog entries that might address this? I have just ordered your new program and am hoping it will help in the strength/self-esteem/be-less-clingy department. Until your program arrives it would be great to read about others in the same position and your advice to them (I’ve poked around and can’t seem to find anything specific about the waiting game).

    An interesting side note to this is that one particular past relationship had me thinking this morning about these tools and how they work. Back then when things got really bad I got to the point of giving up and I did nothing. Not because I was being smart but because I was just too beat down to continue. Magically he kept returning. Every time I did nothing he came back calling etc. The funny part is that I never put it together until right now and I never kept it up because I was so happy he was back. So instinctively I know this is right but now, through you, I will have the tools and knowledge to continue on that path.

    Thank you again Rori. I woke today feeling much stronger, more beautiful and truly empowered even though there is still no communication.

  124.  #124Cathy Silvas on November 25, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have been in a relationship for ten months now and feel so frustrated at times. When I first met him it was magical. Everything I imagined was happening. He was staying afterwork to hang out with me. We were kissing passionately in the parking lot. He was doing special things for me like picking me up and going yard sailing, taking me to a family gathering, and having dinners together. Then his ex girlfriend came into the scene and bought him an expensive camera, took him to Boston, and asked him back to be her boyfriend. He told me Cathy I am so scared I know my ex girlfriend is not for me and see you as everything I ever wanted in a girl but I cannot commit to you right now because I have strong feelings for my ex girlfriend. I told him fine be free. He told me I can’t just never talk to you again I want you to be my friend. I knew in my heart that I could not just be his friend because it was him that I wanted a commitment from and not a “friendship”. I tried numerous times to get him out of my life but he is still cliching on. I tried not calling him but broke down after a two weeks and accepted his call. I tried moving to another location but ending up allowing him to come visit me. I feel so obssessed with this whole drama thing. I don’t know if I want him to be like he was at the beginning or to just end the relationship. So confused. Cathy

  125.  #125CMT on November 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Sorry for the multiple posts but I just thought of another question that would be helpful to me and possibly others.

    In my case I’ll assume that by doing nothing and focusing on me and my happiness I’ll eventually hear from my boyfriend again (which may never happen but I’ll deal with that over time). My question is how should that first contact be handled? It may be covered in your products but I haven’t received them yet and want remain strong. I can just see myself falling into angry and accusing behavior which is exactly what I don’t want to do. But I am angry and it’s not OK. Surely I shouldn’t act like nothing happened and everything is all honkey-dorey right?

    I know I must Trust My Boundaries which is what lead me to stop trying in the first place but being new to this I am afraid I’ll revert to bad habits again. Can you point me to some information (previous newsletters, posts, etc) and provide some insight.

    Truly appreciate it.

  126.  #126TW on November 25, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    Go back through the monthly archives and read every one of them on the site. They are a big help. I am going through them now one month at a time.

  127.  #127Lin on November 25, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    CMT Hi ! and welcome

    Until Rori gets a chance to answer you… I want to share with you…. this happened to me
    also.. after I met my boyfriend.. and we had the
    magic beginnings…. where I just knew this was so special.. and I felt deep down inside this MAN WAS MY MAN….. all was wonderful
    and then out of no where.. nothing to do with me… he was gone…. no communication..
    I called a couple of times.. and I emailed once.
    just a little something… and then I stayed away from trying to contact him again.
    Between us… I cried everyday.. I just could not understand why he vanished…. thinking I would never hear from him again.. my heart was broken… this was 4 months into a wonderful relationship that he said was serious…. I did not hear anything… until I think it was 3 whole weeks…. and then I got the email saying nothing but…. I miss you.
    What I did.. will astound you.. as it astounds me today… I just answered … I miss you 2.
    I asked nothing…… ( actually I was trusting him that he knew what he was doing… with out asking him to explain.. he came over early the next morning.. and that was it…. I am not saying this was right.. but this was right for me at the time.. I just was happy to see him.
    and he never left me again.. not that all is perfect… but that was 4 years ago…
    those 3 weeks were the longest weeks.. I never knew if I would see him again… I never even told him I cried every day.. I was just happy to see him… that’s all… and as he walked into my house at 5:00 am in the morning.. I led him straight to bed…. like I said… I was very happy to see him…. I hope this helps..
    I know how you feel… its very very sad,
    I just don’t think .. its over… look at it as he knows this is serious.. and he is clearing out his life.. to make room for you… maybe,
    and if you feel right down to your soles of your feet.. he is your man… your probably right.
    us girls are good like that !
    love to you.. and we will ALL be praying for you

  128.  #128TW on November 25, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    Lin- That was a really sweet story. I understand how you feel about the crying and all. I am crying right now. My “imaginary boyfriend” has been calling and texting the two days that I have been sick to check on me. He has not come over because he does not want to be sick so he says but whatever. I am all about getting better. I feel in my heart that this is my man and I jsut need to chance to see him and go through the I FEEL conversation with him but lately he has been busy with work and stuff. I do not feel that is an excuse for him not coming to see me but if that is what he wants to use then so be it and I do not ask any questions at all. I know in my heart what I want but I am not going to continue to run up behind him like before. I am doign so many other things to keep my mind occupied like cleaning out my closet, cleaning my sons closet. Getting some reading done, talking to and hanging out with friends so I do not have to focus on him and where he is and what he is doing all the time.

  129.  #129TW on November 25, 2008 at 2:32 pm

    I just wrote this in my journal but I guess I have to practice on you all because I can not seem to get my love interest to come over so here it is:

    I feel alone. I feel bad that I come home to an empty house every day and sleep alone at night. I feel sad that I seem to give so much love and not feel that I get the same in return or that your love is given to someone else. I feel bad when I do not get phone calls or texts every day like I once did. I feel neglected and lonely. I want to feel wined and dined and feel special. I want a real relationship and to feel as though I am the only one. I want to be married and share my life with someone that appreciates me and shows me that they care. I want to feel sexy and wanted. I want dinner and romantic trips away. I want to look into someone’s eyes and know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

    I just needed to get that stuff off mychest today for some odd reason. All of this stuff just came out of the blue today. I have been crying and everything but I am proud of myself for at least writing it down.

  130.  #130Renee on November 25, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    I must say I was looking for help, desperately, to fix my marriage. I know that some things were my fault. I was clingy, annoying, nagging, I disrespected him by going through his stuff and truck. I had relationships before where men cheated on me. And after about six months into the marriage I started to go through his stuff and found numbers, turned out they were from places in texas when he was a truck driver, so yes the accusations were unfounded. In the beginning of the relationship, I was laid back into myself and totally free. He said all the right things, that he had been looking his whole life for me. He was romantic. My two children adore him. He works full time and is having a music career. He went away the beginning of this year on a business trip down to Texas for about 3 months, we had found out in December that I was pregnant. He would call me and be loving and when he came home for visits he was caring and attentive. I still contiuned to call him way to much, checking up on him, and stressing myself out that I just knew he was cheating. Well this time he did, with a married woman. Going through his things I found the cell phone and the number. Two days before finding this I found out I was having a miscarriage, he came home right away to be with me. After the business trip was over and he was back home, I still nagged, called and snooped, I could not let the betrayal go. He moved out in June, he said he never had any intention of divorcing of me and told his family this as well as my children and I of course, I went through doing all the wrong things, crying, looking horrible. I came across Rori’s CD’s and book, they are starting to work, it is very hard to stop being clingy. I want him to move back home, he comes by, and we talk more and I did break down last week and asked him when he was coming home he said there were some things that he had to clear up. I tried the leaning back when he talked to me and it was wonderful to see him lean towards me. In the last month, he has asked why I don’t call him, or answer all his calls, and I tell him he truth, I am working two jobs, and being with my two children and my friends. I am looking for help in what else to do, to bring my sireness out. I am into art so I am going to try the painting thing tonight when he comes by to drop my camera off. I am impatient, I do think he has notice some changes in me. Or well going back to the old me, the carefree me. I also need help in how to get over nagging, and thinking so much about him. I do miss him so much and our family. He is doing his music, work and flying lessons, it seems like he has no time to think about moving home, he has made no attempt to divorce me and when I had my break down with him last week, he said he was thinking about moving back home. Any help would be greatly appreciated, and ways to use the tools so that the few times I do see him or talk to him. I want to go to get the old Renee back, the one who trusted him, have him wreck his ship on my rocks.

  131.  #131Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    Renee….welcome. You have definitely come to the right place. Keep using Rori’s tools and read as much as you can here – She is amazing as are the women here…it will help you so much. This place is magical…it is safe and beautiful…you can be YOU and be loved and accepted and supported. I am so happy you are here and I can’t wait to see how wonderful things begin to unfold for you.
    With love and a huge hug….

  132.  #132Cassandra on November 25, 2008 at 5:19 pm

    CMT and Cathy..I just saw your posts as well. Please read what I wrote to Renee and know that goes for you two as well!
    Love and a HUGE hug to you guys too.

  133.  #133CMT on November 25, 2008 at 5:57 pm

    Thank you Cassandra and everyone for the support and the stories. It is so nice to hear that Rori’s products are helping so many women.

    It is hard and it is sad but most of all it just feels painful and hopeless. When I experience my true feelings all I can feel is desperation. I love this man so very much and on top of all that I believed, and was reassured by his actions and words, that this was it. And while I love him dearly I can’t help but feeling so crushed that this is happening, so blindsided. Not only for losing him and not understanding why the sudden change but the inability to talk to him about it because we shared dreams and plans and had began building a life together, something we both so deeply wanted together. My entire life I had believed and told everyone that I did not want to have children of my own. I love children very much but never had the desire to have my own. That is until I met this man. Our desire to make another life together based on our love was such a huge part of what we felt. How could all of this possibly be a lie? How is that possible?

    In addition to that, I simply, just flat out, do not want to go through this again. I do not want to believe that when I totally trusted I was wrong AGAIN. I don’t want to try to work myself up to have the courage to trust again and have the same pain return. And worse than that, every time it happens the pain is worse than the last time. I can’t just STOP the voice as Rori suggests. It permeates my every waking moment. I repeat mantras, remind myself that he is doing this, not me and try try try to think of other things but it seems impossible. My days are full of friends and activities but I cannot crowd out my thoughts of him and the deep sadness that I feel all the time. I feel like a fraud when I am smiling or laughing because beneath all of it there is nothing but sadness and hopelessness.

    Today, as you may have seen in my post, I woke feeling empowered and strong but as the day dragged my courage and strength was drained. Now at the end of another day with no communication I simply feel hopeless. I know I will get over this, I know in time it will not hurt but….what to do now. This cannot be a lie. Why can’t I just get myself to believe that I was wrong again and stop hanging on to the belief that he is IT and will come running back because that just doesn’t happen.

    Sorry to dump on you all but if you’ve read this thank you for listening. Honestly my friends and family are probably really sick of hearing this same broken record every time my relationships fall apart.

  134.  #134Lin on November 25, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    Please listen… to me.. he will call… you will hear from him…. do nothing.. he will call.
    You could not feel this sure.. about him .
    he will call .. and you will be back together again..cheer up… and be confindent….your special.. thats what I think…
    I have been there…. he is working it out breath
    and have faith… in what you felt.. and you will
    be together again… just leave it alone…
    I know your pain..

  135.  #135Lin on November 25, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    CMT and to everyone.
    I am feeling.. also… its better not to love so much.. and to believe in any man.. \\
    They hurt us.. let us down.. and disappoint us way to much…. I don’t know what the answer is.
    We cant control them.. we cant attach ourselves to out comes.. We cant do much…. Rori is correct when she says… let them love us..
    and that’s it.. when we love and feel so much.
    it comes back to slap us… I feel men just love the chase.. period….sorry I am not feeling much hope tonight…. we work so hard and
    men who cant have us .. want us.. and the ones that get us.. dont want us.. so whats the answer… be with the one we dont want.. and he will always be good to us..?
    I too am tired of hurting.. and working.. at it all.
    so what is the answer..? what am I missing here?

  136.  #136Jen on November 25, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    Lin and CMT
    You both have touched my feelings and emotions tonight. I was going to speak to each of you individually but we’re all in the same boat….rowing it of course, even though we feel like we’re not rowing it.
    I have been dating a guy for the second time (first time 3 months, then broke it off, now one month) and i’m feeling the same way you all are. BUT – I know the answer now…the one Rori has always given us…keep dating other men. I went on a date tonight. I forced myself to go..when I had been crying all day about my fella….and it completely changed everything for ME. First of all my man called and he knew i was going out to dinner, two nights in a row, and finally he asked “are you dating other guys on me”….give me a break. I had already told him when we got back together that I would be. The point is..I was feeling lost and desperate and confused with his hot and cold and feeling like i wanted to end it when I remembered I hadn’t been dating others – the core of Rori’s teachings. Then i was getting ready for this date and my “fella” called and it was like a light switch for both of us. He could feel I was no longer all wrapped up in him and I felt more empowered than I ever had knowing that I was making the choice to LOOK OUT FOR ME. The date was good…it felt good to be out with a good man who was paying attention to me and for a solid 3 hrs. I didn’t once think of the “fella” in my life. And I don’t care what he’s thinking on the other end, I don’t care if he’s squirming. He should be though. And your men will too once they really know that you have a life that you love and value and you will be living it without them until they step up to claim you!!! When did we forget how valuable we are 🙂

  137.  #137TW on November 26, 2008 at 6:40 am

    Lin- I wish I had that much confidence. Around the holidays, it is hard to not think about the person you want to be with and not pick up the phone and call them or text. I have a problem with my imaginary relationship because I deal with him on a professional level as well. I finally dealt with my feelings last night and I cried up a storm. I remember 6 years ago when I kissed him for the first time and felt in my heart at that very moment that he was the one. I just need the chance to tell him everything I am feeling with my I feel messages. I was sick for the past two days and he called and text to check on me but did not come over though. I did not really know what I had and he did not want to get sick. What in the world am I goign to do with this situation? I have dated several guys over the past 6 years but none of them make me feel like he does. i jsut want to tell him all of the I FEEL messages that I have inside of me. I am beyond the angry phase and the yelling like I was before and that is the reason why I am in the boat that I am in now. He is a great guy and a hard worker but my puching and blaming pushed him away and now it is hard for me to get him back to where we once were.

  138.  #138Lin on November 26, 2008 at 8:50 am

    Sorry for the lump in your heart.. Sorry for the sadness that covers your well being…. We all have been there. I also become angry with his
    clue less actions… that rip me in half…. You are in the right place…. You are completely understood…. If possible.. and we know its possible… read Rori e-book…. and focus on your self.. and not him…. do some nice dating
    with men that adore you. Helps build your esteem… Love yourself…! Stop blaming him.
    Start loving yourself… Think about your boundaries.. in taking care of you. You can turn this around.. if you follow Rori programs and advise. I find it hard also… it would be easy if the relationship is new.. but for us that has been involved for a long time… its more difficult..! but not impossible.. think of all the women in the same shoes.. as you .. we are all here.. together helping one another…. I wish we could all meet each other for the holidays.
    in Key West Florida where its warm and we did not need anything from these men…!! I wish there was a magic pill we could take… to stop our hearts from hurting… Rori gives us good tools and programs.. to use.. get them….
    we want to learn everything we can.. so we can turn around our relationship with the men we are with today…. and also how not to make the same mistakes with the next relationships
    we might have… read everything you can..
    until you can go out and enjoy yourself with out him…Do you know where your anger comes from..with him. WE are so lucky to be here.. cause we are learning.. and growing.
    Be proud of yourself.
    Bigs hugs from all,

  139.  #139TW on November 26, 2008 at 9:14 am

    Lin Lin Lin- where do I start? I met him 7 years ago and we became best friends. I was in an abusive marriage and when my husband and I separated I started dating him. To make a long story short, after about a year of dating him I was not ready for another commitment at 22 years old so I needed to date other people and experience life. We never stopped seeing each other during our separate relationships but it was never the same. A few months ago, I went on the you should commit yourself to me rampage. The letter writing and all the dont’s Rori explains in her book. It was really bad. Truth of the matter is, we experienced our first kiss 6 years ago and when I opened my eyes I knew he was the one. I am a control freak and felt if I let my guard down that I would get hurt so to speak so I never told him how I really felt because I expressed it the wrong way the first time and pushed him away. I read the e book and realize that I need to use I feel and I want instead of they way I went about it the first time. I guess my anger with him is pulling away and feeling like he can just come in and out of my life whenever he pleases but I let him. I am ready to spill my guts and lean back so to speak. I cried so hard last night because I just let my feelings flow and through my tears I realized that with him is where I want to be but I need him to feel the same way.

  140.  #140TW on November 26, 2008 at 11:42 am

    Lin-I did not get a chance to finish my last message because I was at work but I am on my lunch now and will be able to get the rest out. I do not even know about going about telling him that we need to talk. I know if I say “I think we need to talk” then he is going to get that “oh Lord, not again” look on his face and in his voice. I feel like if I do not go ahead and get it all out now then there will come a time when it is too late. What do I need to do? I have a problem with thinking the worst without knowing the whole story. when I do not hear from him I automatically assume he is with someone else even though he has promised me he is not. I am really praying about that very hard. I have been dealing with that the past couple of days and I jsut decided that I would just lay down and get all of my feelings out and that is just how I knew how I really felt about him but my need for control has always kept my guard up. I feel if I let go of controlling the situation then I will get my feelings hurt. If he is seeing someone other than me right now it will hurt but not as much as it would if we were in a real relationship so part of me likes it this way because it “saves my heart” but it really doesn’t because I am leaving the door open for him to be with other women if he wants. I WANT HIM ALL TO MYSELF!! I want the life with him. I want to raise my boys with him. Do you think I shoudl call him and see if he would like to come over and then talk to him or should I just wait until the next time he calls me and then say we need to talk? You seem to be a little more seasoned at this than I am.

  141.  #141Becca on November 26, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    TW, I feel so bad for you right now. I feel your anguish. I too have been struggling with my feelings these past couple of days. From personal experience I would not say at all “we need to talk” as I find that this makes the man automatically put up his defensive barrier. I would wait until he contacts/sees you again (if you are sure that he will) and in the meantime try to write down in feeling messages what you want to say to him, and practice even by yourself. When you see him, when he seems receptive and open and safe with you I would just start using feeling messages from the heart. You will know then what you want to say. Make sure to listen at level 2 when he speaks too. I hope this helps, it is just what I feel is right to do but may be wrong (?). I hope it all goes well for you… sending love and courage


  142.  #142TW on November 26, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    Becca- I thank you for caring about me. I am just going to wait until he calls me and then we will decide how the talking will go. I just want to curl up and cry but I’m not. I made plans with a guy I used to date and we are just going to have some fun because that’s what I want to do instead of spending Thanksgiving alone. he’s nice but not relationship material for me. I’m going to focus more on myself and what I want. I know he will call so until then I’m going to be ok because I have you ladies in my life to love me and encourage me.

  143.  #143Lin on November 26, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    I know just how you feel…. I would never say
    come over and lets talk… guys never like that.
    It universal. He needs to feel safe…
    I am in so much confusion right now with my guy… and I realise I think the worse… and I don’t want to hold on too tight.. and yet I do not want him to think I don’t care..
    I am not feeling loved.. although. he is doing many things for me.. and that’s good.. but what I want he is not doing.. like just wanting to be with me. so I say.. that’s OK… and he says
    are you going out.. and I say. well why not..
    and he says.. maybe he will come over.. and then.. he changes his mind and says he is too tired and he is going home… so… what does all this mean.. I don’t know… just take it day by day…. he always has excuses… why he is tired,\he works so many hours… and plays tennis… so.. not much time for me..
    I should be bored by now…
    I should start the dating all over again.
    He calls all day acting so connected and loving
    but then I dont see him.. other than jobs around my house.. ect. However he still says he loves me.. whats with these relationships.
    Its feeling good and then its feel bad,.. ignore
    all of it… and lets go dancing .

  144.  #144TW on November 26, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    Lin- I hear ya… If we were in the same city we could definitely go dancing and look good while we are doing it too. it will all come together and we are going to be fine. the “we need to talk” deal doesn’t work for me either. makes it seem like somethings wrong. something is wrong but not like that. I just hope that he is telling me the truth when he promised me he wasn’t. Promising is our little thing. I think I’m just insecure and filling my head with stuff. I’m really trying to stop that. I’m working on me and he needs to work on him. I am going to use I feel until I’m blue in the face.. lol Seriously, I’m practicing the tools so I will know when I am ready. things are going to get better for both of us. watch and see

  145.  #145Lin on November 26, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    TW, I think you said it all….. I feel the same way,.if we could just step away from our feeling… and do what makes us feel good..
    that’s all we should be thinking about.
    I get all down thinking bad things then he calls
    and I feel so good. and then he gets me up and down… its nuts…. we should just go about our business… and if he calls while its not easy for us to talk… we just don’t answer.. and let him hang… they let us hang… so.. and we keep loving them right… so.. we should do what is right for us… maybe they just are not good en ought for us… just maybe…
    he keeps calling.. and I am glad he does.. and every time he does. my heart fills up with good.
    He calls all the time.. but I don’t see him..
    I don’t know what is going on.. but in my normal life… when a man wants to see you .
    he sees you… now he only talks a short while and he will call again once he lays down to go to sleep… in a hour…. (then I am going out or
    I would go berserK … I don’t do anything wrong.
    but dance and talk.. that’s all .. I need people
    I thank all of you…. I care so much about you
    and you do the same…. I just wonder why there are so many of us that all go through the same things.. ? I have to figure it out..
    Its it that we are the women who LOVE TOO MUCH..
    I wish I did not… I just remember when we were never apart and did everything together
    how nice that was.. not that it was perfect.
    nothing is perfect.. .. I guess love is hard to find.. for us to love a guy… I bet we have that in common…. we are must have some more things in common..
    Bye, Lin

  146.  #146Lin on November 26, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    Promising… is our issue also.. he makes wonderful promises… and then he does not follow through…… I am not saying everything
    but many things.. too many big things like our
    vacations.. and trips.. and these presents.
    and living together.. he was suppose to move in so many times.. and still says he is..
    getting married… no matter what the subject is
    he is always got the best answer…. he is not seeing any one else.. but….. what can I say.
    He is a tuff one.. for sure…. I just think if we
    had the guts to give them a hard time.. they would be putty in our hands…. and we need to draw strength from the tools or each other
    so from God… and give them some difficulty.
    and then some more… and then some more.
    yikes !!! how does that even feel… one time
    I let me call me 16 times and did not pick up.
    and he said… oh… thank you for picking up
    once I did… and he begged me forgivness.
    and girls.. its the only time i did it.. and was only able to do it.. by putting his phone number on silent.. so I did not hear the phone ring.. or else I don’t think I could of been that strong… so that should tell us something..
    think about it… but its not easy

  147.  #147TW on November 26, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Lin- girl be about you…. I’m spending the day with a guy I broke up with over a year ago…. do I feel bad? nope. if the object of my affection wants to see me then he would so I will just occupy my time and be happy. he is obviously happy without me so I will carry on and me… I need to figure me out. It is not about you ignoring him in response to him ignoring you but about you making YOU happy. when he sees you are happy without running behind him… he will come around. express your feelings with the I feel msgs and work through the book. I can feel your anger in the blog so you know he can feel it. calm down, take a deep breathe, put on a cute outfit and go have some fun….. love you girl

  148.  #148Jen-B on November 26, 2008 at 6:30 pm

    Hi Rori…
    hope u can reply to my previous post…

    Is long distance r/s a lost cause…. esp when we met thru internet and not ur conventional kinda r/s… and being so far in distance… is this all a lost cause? I came back home and we haven’t contact for a few days… i told him i needed time for myself..which i did… i’m still tinking if i shld trust wat i see when i was wif him and not wat he writes… he was so cold … or was he jus hiding his feelings?? Why does his words doesn’t match up to his actions towards me and his excuse was fear… fear of how tis r/s will turn out… he cant take tt he can only see the person he loves only once in a blue moon and he doesn’t know how to work towards us being together permanently cos of the financial crisis etc…

    I jus cant understand… if he loves me like he claims he does.. why do i get the opposite treatments from him? He doesn’t wanna hold my hand, kiss me and i dun feel connected to him… it is so sad… does fear cause men to shut down in their wants to connect wif us… or is that jus an excuse?

    I don’t know anymore and I’m still considering if I should move on and stay as friends wif him – which is hard for me to do… or give him another chance…which i feel he would really have to convince me wif his actions….

    Pls help… anyone?

  149.  #149Clara on November 26, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    TW, Lin Becca,Cassandra, and all of you girls,

    Just hang on there and believe in yourselves, please.
    You know my story, especially Lin, I think we are the kind of women that were raised through thinking that to love a man is to sacrifice everything for the sake of Love, to be with him, cherish him, take care of him and his kids, you know the “NOBLE” romantic, movie stuff kind of love… well this does not happen in real life…
    This is a TOXIC relation based on a woman GIVING and the man taking and taking and then getting bored and moving away…because men love to chase…love to hunt to feel excited about the build-up, the courtship and all the manly stuff…and in the same time what keep us off balance is the little kid inside who also wants love and care and all that selfishness that pops up once we are kind of hooked with them…
    At least this is my experience with a toxic man for 16 years, and the nightmare is continuing because IRONICALLY Rori’s tools are drawing him near like a magnet…I mean the less I think about him and care the more he is persistent and insistent, he is back now calling me, and every time he gets my answering machine..
    I mean today I was going BEZERK absolutely more than 5 times, after ignoring his emails and not answering except once ! And then the Hysterical Laugh and the thought :” I wish Rori came up with her tools like 2 decades sooner …” I am going crazy…
    The more I am trying to forget about him and not giving him any importance ( leaning back ??? )- the more he is stepping up to the plate and leaning forward …( again hysterical laugh…I feel so angry and so frustrated and simply going crazy because of the irony of fate, as if I committed most hideous crime or something unforgivably wrong to deserve such an IRONIC twist in my life ….) and the most hideous truth is that I know if I let go of my guard and go along with his small game he will go back to his toxic self and leave, but I cannot do that, because I am not strong enough, and I am scared and afraid of being hooked again…so isn’t it another proof that Rori’s tools are working …God this so black humor funny….
    Oh yeah I wish we could, all of us, take a long vacation, go to the Bahamas or I dunno Hawaii and have the best of times and meet men and have fun and forget about our ex or our men or whomever giving us a hard time, sipping cocktails on the beach, getting a beautiful tan ….ohhhh and riffing together, or shouting and yelling our anger and frustration out then laughing about it…. Oh yeah…that would be awesome…and let them guess where we are…because girls we can keep a secret …we won’t tell them where we are going J I wish it could come true….
    Hang on all of you girls, thank you all for sharing your stories, do not forget you are courageous women, lovely, classy and beautiful, and if these guys are so blind to see that, other men will come and they will surely see the beautiful sunshine glowing like an aura surrounding you…Shine like a Star girls …for you are and it takes a real daring intelligent happy dreaming man to reach out for the stars, it is not given to all to look up…most look down…let them stay in your SKY until the deserving One comes along.

    Love you all for your inspirational courage and send you my hugs and love
    God bless you all

  150.  #150TW on November 26, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Clara- you just made me feel all warm on the inside. That would be awesome if we could all get together and put on some beautiful island clothes and have a great time at the beach attracting all sorts of men that we can pick from instead of them picking over us…. Now that’s the life. Clara, I need some advice. I want to tell my love interest that I feel unsure of my emotions and I feel out of control of myself and I need to take a step back. Is it okay to text this to him or should I just not say anything to him. I love him to death and I know he is what I want but I feel like I am spiraling out of control emotionally and need to get a hold of myself. I am in tears right now even thinking about it and I am no good to myself or any one else this way.

  151.  #151TW on November 26, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Lin- where are you my friend??? You had a little pinned up anger a littel while ago that I am going to need you to embrace and love. turn on some music and dance. I’m crying right now but I am looking for my favorite CD to turn on and me and my two sons are going to dance and have an awesome time and then I am going to take a hot canlelit bath with a cup of hot chocolate and then put on something sexy and go to bed…ALONE and I am going to enjoy it…You know why?? Because I love me more than anyone else can love me and that is the most important thing I have learned recently and my 50k education didn’t teach me that, the 20.00 e book of Rori’s did. Imagine that!!! LOVE and PLEASE YOU FIRST!!!! We are here for each other and that makes a difference. You all are my inspiration. We are all different but yet the same. We are beautiful and strong and any man would be lucky to have one of us!!!

  152.  #152Clara on November 26, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    Please do not even consider to move, not before he gives his full commitment, gives you a precise date of a wedding, and pledges eternal love to you.

    A man who really Loves a woman and wants her to be in his life forever KNOWS exactly what to do, i can tell you that because I had a man in my life for 16 years, he ended up marrying another, while a man I met on the internet, we had only emails and phone as means of connecting, FLEW HALF THE WORLD to meet me, and we got married after 3 days !!! And guess what…He had the ring with him, and we still laugh about how big it was for my finger 🙂
    Please Jen-B, Read cassandra’s story, she moved to be with a man who promised her marriage and now she is stuck in a small town, unable to find a job and he is now stalling and not wanting her even to stay with him…he played God with her life… But she is a courageous woman and she will make it out of there and leave him, if he does not step up to the plate and PROVE that he really Loves Her and wants to marry her ( wich would be HIS LUCKY DAY to be married to a wonderful woman like her) and you should think the same, That if your guy wants to marry you, he should thank Lady Fortune for letting you accept his proposal, remember what Rori tells us a Goddess is not a crumb-taker, so please I beg just continue working with Rori’s tools, and soon you will find out if he is teh right man for you…or not, you will know…a couple of days ago I was thanking God for not marrying my ex !
    Please Jen-B Actions speak LOUDER than words, forget what he says look at what he does ….and you will know ….
    Don’t give up on yourself, and don’t be sad, if things do not unfold as you wish, sometimes it is for our own sake believe me…I was there….you know the saying..:” beware of what you wish for …it might come true!”

    Hold on and mostly Love yourself, be kind to yourself, be happy with yourself , and never forget that it takes courage to love and be vulnerable.

    God Bless you

  153.  #153TW on November 26, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Jen-B, please listen to Clara. Do not put yourself in the position to give up your life to “build” one with him especially if you have to leave everything YOU know for HIM. If he loves you so much then tell him to come to you and see how he feels when the tavles are turned and see if he is willing to give up all HE has for YOU!!! He expects you to come running to him but you are worth running to. Work with the tools and see how that goes. Practice with the e book and write your feelings down and express your feelings and wants.

  154.  #154Clara on November 26, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    I love your spirit, your courage and your ability to see deep into yourself, and oh yeahhhh that is exactly what we need an Island vacation and a time ful of laughter and men we chose and all the meringue music oh a dream !!
    You know I do not feel it is a good Idea to text him because it is Leaning forward, you are taking matters into your hands to control the outcome na dthat’s a Rori’s NO NO.
    I think you should just let go and riff and work on your feelings, flip the worries to what you want really, and love to do, and dance and take a candlit bath, do all what you have planned for yourself tonight and HATS OFF to ya sis 🙂 you are an inspiration to and I think I will just do the same 🙂 , what you said to Lin made me cry…and I think you for all the sharing…

    I know what you are passing through yeas it is hard you feel like going crazy needing to just shake him to wake up and listen but it won’t work this way…

    Just work those feelings in a power speech and work on it until it will come to you reflexively, all that what you want to tell him, in feeling messages, and when he contacts you, then you will be easily able to express your feelings from the heart and he will listen…

    Hug you with love
    God bless you

  155.  #155Cassandra on November 26, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    You guys are so doggone AWESOME! I am so thankful for each and every one of you! TW – what if you write down what you would like to tell your guy – in feeling messages and then either post it here to do a ‘run through’ and get some great feedback – I know that everyone would be more than willing to support you and help you ‘tweak’ your feeling messages or even write them down on a piece of paper and then go do something else for a little while and keep coming back to it…rereading it and then making your own changes. You would get to a point where you KNOW in your heart “OK..this is it” and off you go! Just a thought – I hope it helps.

    Clara thank you for your beautiful posts.

    Jen – B….please follow Clara’s suggestion and read my posts as I did indeed move and give up EVERYTHING for may man who has betrayed me, hurt me so deeply in so many ways, who has lied to me and as Clara said I am now in a small city where there are no jobs and I am stuck here where I know no one….all for a man that is NOT AT ALL who he said he was even though I looked at his actions over a period of time. I did not give it long enough. DO NOT GIVE UP ANYTHING UNTIL YOU HAVE THAT RING ON YOUR FINGER AND A DATE SET!! Honestly – I would actually suggest that you don’t even move until AFTER you two are married. Please…do not give up a thing for this man until you have that solid commitment. You deserve that and if he truly loves you he will want YOU to feel safe and secure and this will not be an issue for him.
    Sending you all much love and that HUGE flower hug of Daria’s! XOXO

  156.  #156TW on November 26, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Clara- I really just want to write it all down and just let him read it. I do not want to cry in front of him anymore. he is a sweet person and I love him but I think he feels like I will never be able to leave him alone which means he can do whatever and then just come back like nothing happened. We were once so different. I can remember the first time I talked to him on the phone. He was so funny and made me laugh. I was in an abusie marriage and he was a really good friend to me. When my husband and I separated I started dating him. Clara, the first time I kissed him, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I have never told him this because I am so scared to let my guard down because it makes me feel out of control and I know this is part of my problem. I feel uneasy like I do not know where our situation is going. I feel lonely and abandoned by him not spending time with or calling me. I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders because I walk in life alone. I have to be cut throat by day but I want to come HOME and feel taken care of like and feel like everything is going to be okay. I do not want to worry about things all the time. Do you ever feel like that??

  157.  #157TW on November 26, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Cassandra- if youread the post I jsut wrote to Clara you will see a portion of it. I will do just that and get back to you in a little while.

  158.  #158TW on November 26, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    Rough draft:


    I feel scared that we are not moving in the same direction. You say you love me but I feel as though I need to be shown. I am feeling emotionally out of control and have a fear inside of me that I can not explain. I feel lonely and sad sometimes because I spend so much of my time alone. I go to bed at night with an empty feeling inside because I cuddle up next to pillows instead of a person. I have to be a man by day in the career field but I do not want to take on this role when I get home. I want to feel safe and secure and taken care of. I want someone to be there to pick me up when I fall. I want to build a home and a life. I have a fear inside of me at this very moment because I am opening up and it makes me feel vulnerable. I kept my wall up for so long because I felt like if I didnt let my guard down then nothing bad could happen to me emotionally. I was wrong in that assumption but I know in my heart what I want and that is a relationship with you that is going somewhere meaning marriage.

    That is all I have for right now. I am stumped and crying as I write but what do you think so far? I know it’s pretty random but I did not write it out on paper. I jsut typed it as I thought about it.

  159.  #159Clara on November 26, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    Oh i can surely relate to you and what you are telling me, the only difference is that this how I felt with my ex, when we first kissed, I thought he is the one, and I was like you so afraid of showing my love and telling him, because maybe intuitively I knew how vulnerable I would become, and it hurts excrutiatingly yes …I so relate to what you are passing through…
    Cassandra also had a very good idea about how to go about it, you know working on it until you feel the words flowing out fluidly from your heart to his…
    I do feel with you, I spent 7 years of my life in your situation loving a man not knowing where our relation is heading to, and I was so scared of losing control…
    You can tell him TW, but in a power speech, and feeling messages, he needs to feel the authenticity of your feelings coming out of your heart so that he could connect with you on teh heart level, that what Rori always reminds us of, the ONLY WAY to connect to a man and make him committed to us, is by reaching into his heart, if you write everything down, he won’t be able to hear your voice, and feel your love, it would be like reading a book, or a story of a woman whom he won’t feel concerned about !
    Please TW take your time, rehearse your power speech and feeling messages, until it is all tattooed in your heart so that when he will contact you, and you let your heart open to him it would be the most natural thing in the world for you to say and express, with no fear or need to control the situation…but a beautiful vulnerability from the outside while inside you would be anchored and enrooted solidly in your feelings and heart 🙂
    May God bless you and assist you
    With Hugs and Love

  160.  #160TW on November 26, 2008 at 8:08 pm

    Clara- that was so sweet of you to say. I too have been going back and forth with him for 7 years and I am under 30 so that is a long time. I have dated my fair share of men and he is just what I want. I am going to write a more in depth speech and say it over and over again and if I cry every time then I jsut cry every time but I will embrace my tears and my fears and just put it out there for him to know because I know in the end that is what it is going to take to make me feel better and to get it all off my chest. I will not contact him anymore. I will let him call me and then I will see if we can meet somewhere or something and then have the talk. I want him to see my face when I say these things and not do that over the phone.

  161.  #161Clara on November 26, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    Here’s a tweak
    rather than :”You say you love me but I feel as though I need to be shown” you say sounds kind of accusation so instead I would say
    :” I feel sometimes confused and unsure, because I feel love is more about actions than words”
    Also rather than :” I have to be a man by day in the career field but I do not want to take on this role when I get home.”
    “I feel while working that I need to use more masculine energy, yet I do not want to feel this as well when I get home, I want to feel feminine, soft, tender loved….taken care of ….”
    It feels so good to have a wonderful man to pick me up if I fall, It feels wonderful to built a home and a life.
    I feel afraid and I feel vulnerable because I am opening up, I used to feel the need to protect myself from being hurt, it felt securing and safe to keep my guard all the time, so not to hurt emotionally, I feel now it is a wrong assumption and I feel in my heart what I really love and want and that is a relationship with you that is going somewhere, a committed relationship, and marriage.

    I hope I helped in tweaking some of your ideas, and of course others are much better than me in this but I feel it is how I would say it to teh man I love 🙂

    Hug and Love
    God Bless you

  162.  #162Clara on November 26, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    Ooops, The rest of my message did not show up !!!
    Rori, and the other girls also could shed some light on how to go about the power speech, honestly i am still starting fresh and new…so I hope I am notsaying anything wrong 🙂

  163.  #163TW on November 26, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Clara- that was very well put. I love writing but not for emotion. I am a term paper type of girl. When it comes down to my feelings I just clam up. I am going to come back to what you said after I take my bubble bath and if I do not get back iwth you tonight, love you and thank you so much. You are truly and inspiration to me and so much help.

  164.  #164Jen-B on November 26, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    Thank you so much Clara, TW & Cassandra~~~ !! U guys are angels. Beautiful angels… Thank you for your encouragements and advices. I’m so glad to have support from all of you. It is so tough to go through r/s roller coaster alone… although I have my girlfriends…but they dun quite understand what I’m going thru… they all either have great relationships n are married or still very much in love… one started her r/s as young as 12 n they made it to marriage at 22 till now. Another started her r/s at 15 and now still going strong.

    I feel so sad that I keep having men who have this “loves me & loves-me-not syndrome” when I gave all out to them… my whole heart w/o holding back…but they jus turn around n hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? I know I’m a great person and love like there’s no tomorrow. Showing-telling-giving-changing-making… I dun get it. Do I jus seek out bad men unconsciously or something?

    I am going to try my best to not give in and move on wif my life… it breaks my heart to read what he wrote when I touched down – reached home and check my email to see him saying how depressed he was… that he screwed everything up when I was there… I wrote back wif all my feeling messages and I tink I didn’t do quite well on some parts… kinda in a blaming mode… *I still have much to practice and learn* and I let him know I need time alone.

    In the past when I write that, he would not bother me at all… – no emails, texts, zit…nothing. So now he’s doing the same. Giving me space. Should I break the silence when I’m ready or should I wait for him? Would he think that I still need time and he would just not do anything to reach me until I’m ready? Or would he just contact me when he wants to?

    What should I do?

    I applaud u TW… I get so scare and literally shaking when I have the talk wif him. I feel like I can’t breathe! There will be so much silence and I feel like the words are at the tip of my tongue… the mind is saying “Just say it already!!!!” But my mouth won’t move cos I’m jus so scare…

    I pray and hope ur conversation wif ur guy will go well…

  165.  #165TW on November 26, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    You will definitely find your way. Just find yourself and let the rest fall into place. I do not have a problem with having the conversation but he will not come over in order for me to have it. It hurts my feelings that it is Thanksgiving and he did not plan to spend the day with me but you know what I did? I made plans with someone else because how do I know that is not what he is doing. I am not saying that he is with someone else and I am doing this to retaliate but I am doing this so that I can have some fun too and be with a friend of mine. He is cute too!! Seriously, he told me that he was not with anyone else and I have not seen it so you know how that goes. Just have some fun and relax. If you need time then take time and find what makes you tick. I am going through that process right now and it is not the most fun thing that I have done but you figure out a lot about you and what you like and what you don’t. do not get discouraged. It will all work out for the best and then you will smile again. I cry a lot know but I know what type of person I am and that he is very lucky to have me as a part of his life but my smile is on it’s way back and I must say I kinda like it!!! 🙂

  166.  #166Jen-B on November 26, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    …I can so identify wif u cassandra… that was actually our plan… to discuss how this long distance r/s will work when during my stay there…

    Either he move to my country (which seem impossible after some research…cos his job scope is not really applicable here) which means it’ll just be easier for me to go to him… but my job is not easy to find there as well. Esp when he lives in a small town. He keeps saying how tough it is and fearful he is to move though he very much want to move out and go to a city or another state to work. But fears and economy are stopping him.

    Back to my stay at his house. When I touch down…got to his place… he was the same guy I know in the internet. Loving, sensitive, attentive… but day 2….everything changed. Everything. He was withdrawn and like you said – he does everything for himself n it seems like he doesn’t realize that at all. Insensitive and very much frustrated by my presence… – I felt that so much…

    I too live in the city and before I met him, I felt whole and happy… going everywhere without any time limit or needing any approval. With him, it was always a hurry to get things done and when it comes to me, i’m always being hurried cos He had something impt to do and whatever that I’m doing jus seem less impt.

    Clara’s words jus rang in my head – Be careful what you wish for…

    One part of me wish he’ll not be my bf anymore and another part of me wish he is… argh.

    My previous r/s before tis one… I wished so hard and tried so hard to make it make things work cos I feel so attached to him… I got hurt so bad it took me more than 2 yrs to get up to my feet…

    Guess I shall not wish…and be my own fairy godmother… I’ll let someone else do that…sit back and enjoy the ride… Hope my heart survive….

    Yes I need to go and plan my life and be happy again and … I would like to say date… but… in tis country, gosh… it’s so hard to find a date… many ppl around me r marrying their friends and they dun go out dating strangers. I dunno how to go out there and find strangers to date! Which is why I went thru the internet instead…

    Thank u Cassandra for ur lovely warm hugs~~~~ :))
    *Big Hugs to you too!!!*
    I’m rooting and praying for you…
    U will get out of that situation and into the best place ever!

  167.  #167Jen-B on November 26, 2008 at 11:09 pm

    TW !!
    U r so lucky…!!! Cute looking guy for thanksgiving!! I hope u’ll have the most fun ever!! 😉

    Yes ur guy would be so LUCKY to have u and he’s got no idea what he’s missing! While another guy is noticing ur inner goddess and how beautiful you are 🙂

    I’m so happy for u !
    Enjoy !! Update us~~~~ :)))

  168.  #168Lin on November 27, 2008 at 7:22 am

    TW, I was so moved, touched by your power speech… beautiful staight from your heart.
    so good.. its perfect as your love is pure !!


  169.  #169TW on November 27, 2008 at 10:46 am

    Ladies,, Ladies, Ladies-I just work up and yes it is almost 1 here. Imagine that. The cute guy I was telling you all about came over when he got off work this morning. Needless to say we laid in the bed and cuddled and laughed and talked. There was some kissing and touching going on but it was so nice to have someone spend some time with me and be into me. We broke up a long time ago but I still have a deep physical attraction to him. He is sexy!!! Anyway, I used some of my I feels on him and he is coming over later too. We are going to watch some football. I guess this falls under the circular dating category. was no teven thinking about my love interest either. I enjoyed the moment. I felt kinda bad to think that maybe he was hugging and kissing on someone himself but you know what I FELT GOOD ABOUT ME to be desired and cared for even if I do not want a relationship with that person.

  170.  #170TW on November 27, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    I hope everyone’s holiday went well. I am pretty tired right now. I have a lot of family. I broke down and called my love interest to tell him to have a nice Thanksgiving. He was on his way out of town but he is supposed to be back tonight. Imagine that. He would have told me after the fact but that is okay. No worries. He has a right to be with his family just like I was with mine but it would have been nice to have a choice to either go with him or stay at home but whatever I had a great time without him. The guy that came over this mornig is supposed to be coming back over tonight anyway so I will definitely not have him on the brain because I will be entertaining. I will have to deal with him another time.

  171.  #171Clara on November 28, 2008 at 9:09 am

    I totally understand how hard it is during such occasions not to break down and call…have been there before years ago ….when during Christmas Season I used to feel so alone without him, especially that when we first met, we had the most beautiful first and last Christmas Eve together… now every Christmas I have a date with sweet/bitter path down memory lane…and it feels awful…still …which means I am still not cured…but I know it takes more than a couple of months ( with Rori’s tools and and all of you beautiful ladies ) and 4 years marriage to heal the abyssal wound in my heart and soul…
    I am glad that you had a great night with this handsome guy…you know Live your moment to the fullest and think not what the other man is doing, just be happy with the company of this man who appreciates your presence and your kindness to receive him, and making space for him in this day ….Carpe Diem ….I think we need to hang on to the NOW and forget about yesterday and tomorrow…I know I know…easily said that done…but hey girls …we are trying 🙂

    To all of you LOVELY Wonderful Ladies :
    I have received this from a friend and would like to share it

    When a GIRL is quiet …
    millions of things are running in her mind.

    When a GIRL is not arguing …
    she is thinking deeply.

    When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions … she is wondering how long you will be around.

    When a GIRL answers ‘ I’m fine ‘ after a few seconds … she is not at all fine.

    When a GIRL stares at you she is wondering why you are lying.

    When a GIRL lays on your chest .. she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

    When a GIRL wants to see you everyday… she wants to be pampered.

    When a GIRL says ‘ I love you ‘ .. she means it.

    When a GIRL says ‘ I miss you ‘ …… no one in this world can miss you more than that.

    Life only comes around once make sure u spend it with the right person ….

    Find a guy .. who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

    who calls you back when you hang up on him.

    who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

    Wait for the guy who ……. kisses your forehead.

    Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

    Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

    Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

    Who turns to his friends and says, ‘ That’s her!! ‘

    Cheers Ladies Be you merry and forget not …LOVE yourselves, Shine like a Sun, and Never accept being treated as second best, YOU are all Goddesses and you should be treated as such…
    Dry your tears, and face your fears,
    There’s always next times,
    I Love next times,
    I may not be the best,
    but damn sure I want to be 1st,
    In His heart and his life,
    Until then I will love myself and hug myself,
    will put my worries on a shelf,
    open my door and window wide to the sun,
    I will go out and will have fun,
    I do not care where he could be or what he’s done,
    I Can do without him, there are millions waiting
    for my permission to just let ’em under my SUN !

    Hihi this up-written “blabber” just sprouted out now!!! so indulge me on this one …:) I felt the need to write it …. and I did …and IT FEELS GOOD 🙂

    Love you all
    Happy Thanksgiving again …
    With Love and warm hugs

  172.  #172TW on November 28, 2008 at 9:43 am

    Clara- that was so sweet!!! I enjoyed myself to the fullest with him. We are great friends. He is jsut so cute that you can not turn him away but the relationship between us would have never worked. We loved each other but were not in love. That was a big thing for me but I love hanging out with him jsut the same. Those were some sweet sayings at the end. Thanks for sharing that. How was your holiday?

  173.  #173Lin on November 28, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Beautiful and so true. Isnt it nice to be in touch with our emotions and feelings..
    Thank you for sharing.. as its always touching.


  174.  #174TW on November 28, 2008 at 10:41 am

    Hello again!! I am really lonely today!! I want to get my power speech out so bad that it is making my stomach hurt. I text my love interest and asked him could he squeze some time in for me today. I have not gotten a response but that was only 10 minutes ago so it is still early. I am not going to contact him any more after this. I have done my part and i am going back to being powerful me. It is so hard not to contact him but I am going to have to be the bigger person and pray and let it go and be done with it.

  175.  #175Lin on November 28, 2008 at 11:21 am

    I hope you have plan 2.. and go back to your feeling powerful… remember what Clara has
    proved to us..When he feels he has you . and he does not have to work at it.. then he gets bored…
    You have a great power talk ready in your heart
    and mind….,. I think it will be most powerful
    and accepted by him…. when he is asking you
    for some time with you…!! And you just have to wait..!!! For the best time.. to deliver it.
    and remember.. If this is your man.. he is worth the wait…… I will be waiting to hear what happens… Please stay away from the texts and calls… if he does not hear from you
    he will wondering if your still his.. women.
    go back to leading back…. and being your fabulous self… we are all on your side…
    please dont think the worst… think positive
    and go have fun today… and make some nice memories…. even if he texts back.. you might be too busy to answer… ? maybe?
    A Big Hug to you,

  176.  #176Cathy S on November 28, 2008 at 11:44 am

    Cassandra, thank you so much for your welcome and all the rest of you lady’s that are going thru the same stuff. It is amazing how many woman are dealing with the same issues. Just when you think you are alone you run into a blog like Rori’s. I read many other articles about relationships but something about Rori’s pulled me in. It was like fate calling me thru the internet.
    This may sound so twisted but I can’t help to imagine what his ex girlfriend is thinking. Here she was in a relationship with him for eight years and left him for another man for about a year and just weeks into our court she enters his life again. What was she thinking? What was she reading? Does she truly want him back? What if she is reading Rori’s stuff or even something similar on how to get her ex back? Do I let her have him? How do I know she doesn’t have him already? Would he still be saying things to me like “Cathy, there is a whole lot of me that loves you, I think about you as I am driving, and it is not just the sex I am thinking about, you have a huge bond in myself that I can’t let go, maybe you are my twin soul, maybe you are the one that I have been searching for my whole life, I just haven’t captured what I am to do with you” Do I tell him if his ex girlfriend wants him back maybe he should, after all she loves him too? Do I hang in there because of the love I have for him and fight with all my might to keep him? Oh so many questions.
    I remember when I first met him. He was transferred to my sight. I walked into a room he was in talking about something with the coworker I needed to talk to. My eyes looked at him and his mine. I thought this guy is handsome but he probably has someone knowing my luck with guys I am attracted to and I left the room. Well days after that there seemed like a pulling more his way. He started talking to me more, he started sharing things with me, and he asked me out to lunch. Then he was out and I was missing him. His boss gave me his number and told me to call him. I said no I don’t call men. Then five days pasted and I broke down and called him. He asked me out on the phone and asked what I wanted to do. I went ahead and planned the date. It was magical as if we were a puzzle that fit perfectly together. It was as if I knew him forever. For weeks later we went to yard sales, dinners, even church and things were going so good until he told me his ex wanted him back. He said don’t worry Cathy I don’t want her but I need to make things right with her. She is saying she is very sick and after all I have been with her for eight years. I need to convince her we are not meant for each other. I have been hanging in there since. I have to admit from time to time I went off and told him “if you loved me you would not treat me this way”.
    Isn’t it amazing how all in one day we can go from feeling on top of this world to feeling down! Hmm there has to be an antidote for this! Jen you just gave the answer, Rori’s tools!
    Lin I get those same excuses of why he can’t come over, I am tired, I played too much tennis, I worked long hours, etc…Do I know there is someone out there that can truly love me…yes!

  177.  #177TW on November 28, 2008 at 11:46 am

    I know. I just talked to him but about a situation that is going on between two of my friends and I just asked his advice on how to handle it.. He is supposed to call me later but you know how that is. If he does he does but if he doesnt then he just doesn’t and we are going to leave it at that. I have to go back to being the poweful me that I am just like you said Lin. I am having moments of weakness because that is normal when you are dealing with someone you care about. I will be okay and thank you so much for the encouragement. I love you guys!!!

  178.  #178Cathy S on November 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    TW, We are princess, we are jewels, we are worthy of someone’s love. Why do we get caught up on one man? Why is it that we feel we will never feel this way again? Wow, to understand and believe God has a plan for us, plans to prosper us and give us hope and a future and not to harm us. Why then do we waist our moments on men who do not treasure us the way we need to be treasured? I read somewhere we choose our destiny because we know what it is we need and or want. I have to believe that. I also have to believe God has made that person just for me. He has knitted him and is preparing him for me as I type. Why then do I get sad, down, cry, and worry over someone who is not working out with me? Argh, frustrated!!!! I don’t want to keep my wall up, I don’t want to be careful, why do we have to feel this way?
    Wow Clara, you said it most perfectly. Your words are jelly spreading over peanut butter.

  179.  #179TW on November 28, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    Ladies, I am trying to perk up but it jsut does not seem to be working… I am really sad. As you can see from the post before I had an issue with a friend of mine and I called and discussed it with my love interest to seek advice. He is always the first person I turn to. He returned my call and I was unable to answer but when I got around to calling him back he was like I am eating and I will call you back when I am done. That was an hour and a half ago. It is crazy. Sometimes I feel like I should jsut give up. You see from MY power speech how much I care about him but I just want him to care about me in the same way. Maybe he has found someone else and is not telling me. That last time I asked him he vowed that he was not. I dont know what to do and how to feel. I go through so many moments where I can be all about me and then I hear his voice and all the empowerment goes out the window because I just want him to love me as much as I love him or show me rather. HE says out of his mouth that he loves me and that he misses me but he misses me by choice not because he has to. Ladies, I need your strength today to carry me though. I am goign to pray about it and then go back to dancing to make myself feel better or fix myself some chocolate covered strawberries because those are my favorites.

  180.  #180Clara on November 28, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    dear lady please do not give up !
    Your story is so reminding me of mine with my ex that I feel I need to tell you to get Rori’s “toxic men” program if you do not have it, and work through the program and try to find out if your man is toxic or not.
    Your behavior remind so much of mine and also the long period ( 7 years for you 16 for me ) and Also your man has got the same behavior that Nate my ex had exactly teh same, same words same cold reactions, same everything, going about his life not giving a hoot about what your needs are or if he is thinking of you at all:(
    I am so sorry for your situation and I feel angry for you, I just hope to God he is not lying or playing any game, how could a man who loves a woman stays away from her? Spend a special occasion away out of town not telling her, does prefer eating for an hour and ahlf without calling her back??? I mean that is Nate my ex all over …God I just hope you are right about him…
    I do not want to make you feel even more sad but as a woman who really cares for her sister, I just want you to be wary of his behavior, you know words are one thing actions speak totally a different other…
    And Dance and prepare yourself a hot cocoa and even that yummy strawberries with chocolate (though they won’t fix your problem 🙂 ) but always remember that first you need to believe and love yourself no matter what…there’s always next time…there’s always HOPE, and there are hundreds of men other than him…
    I have been there and I know…and still I am trying to heal the wounds he inflicted on me, and get rid of an addiction for a toxic man whose only action was not to love me but to use me…and I surely do not want you to live the same experience !
    Hug Tight tight and send you warm wishes and Love
    Praying for all of us
    PS. I had a relapse today, and I also feel so sad… I was crying most of the afternoon… it is the worst part of the year for me …

  181.  #181TW on November 28, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Clara- I wish you were here. I do not know what to do other than to text him and tell him that I feel hurt and need my own space to breathe. I know you do not agree with the texting but that seems to be the only way. I love him but I need him to show me that he loves me back. I have so many good memories with him that I can not believe the bad. At first, I thought it was just me but then I saw he was drifinting apart but still wanted to remain there to keep me away from loving another man. I have no clue what he is doing. I do know that he runs three successful businesses and he manages and owns all of them. That takes up a lot of his time and one he started this year. I have to get my speech out ASAP.

  182.  #182Jen-B on November 28, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    I feel you TW….
    I’m so sorry you have to go through this…
    That sounds like my ex too… busy wif work and everything else is a priority~~
    After I came out of the r/s, and 2 yrs nurturing myself back… I realize I have wasted my time and lost me in the process of that r/s. It has taken up so much of me… every sec of the day….every sec, my head tinks abt him and it gave me a migraine & not to mention the constant hurt. Gosh… why did I subject myself to that kind of torture? My life for his? I should live my life and my dreams and my wants and happiness~~ and if I keep trying to make things happen~~ (which I did) in the long run, I still not be truly satisfied cos when it did happen, my head kept tinking… does he really loves me or he is just trying to make me happy…

    In the long run, both’s happiness will be sabotage… it’s just neverending. I want to believe that I can find what my parents have… the kind of happiness and man who will love me, cherish me and will hold my hand till the grave calls. I want to believe that if nature is telling me & showing me signs how unhappy I am… depress even… then perhaps… perhaps there is just someone else around the corner whom I haven’t notice.

    Though sadly, my current r/s just went south… I want to continue to believe there is someone out there… and meanwhile… I will try my best to hold my heart, my head up and not get lost in the constant chant of hurts & dismay…. it will drive me crazy….

    Wish we could all be there for each other personally… but for now.. *hugs&prayers* TW and all who are experiencing a tough r/s… Pls dun lost urself or trade ur every sec for another~~ U r too precious !! Live for u~~

    I shall make a cup of something and enjoy tis moment wif u~~ know that someone at the other end of the world is enjoying a moment wif u sister~~ *hugs*

  183.  #183TW on November 28, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Thank you so much for your love and support. I am so glad that I found this outlet. I am going to pray about it and go to sleep. The weather is bad here and I have a horrible headache. I love you girl and I will definitely keep my head up. I’m going to bed in a sexy little nightie. I know he will hate he missed out on that. I turned my cell phone ringer off so that I can focus on me tonight. I love you ladies and hope to hear from you soon!!!

  184.  #184Sherri on November 28, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    I’m happy to have found this community.
    Now I will indulge myself by posting my own situation, which is not quite as painful as some (although, believe me, I’ve been to the lowest of the low places).
    I’m 38 and over a year ago I met a man whom I felt was more significant to me than any other. Don’t know if any of you heed signs from the divine, but there were many. We lived over 2 hours apart and I had the chance to live closer to him and improve my life in other ways so I went for it. Since that time (5 months ago) our relationship has deepened and we talk about moving in together, working towards a marriage, etc.
    However, I have also felt frustrated at his “holding back”. For example, he says he wants to be with me and build a committed partnership with me and doesn’t feel good about me dating others and yet he is not totally stepping up to the plate either and ENTHUSIASTICALLY claiming me.
    AND he has not yet told me he loves me. Says he needs more time with me to know about marriage–fair enough.

    We talk and talk and he does have a great deal of emotional intelligence. He clearly doesn’t want to lose me and is thinking about our future together and how to make it happen. AND we have acknowledged that we are both holding back (I haven’t told him that I love him either, etc.–just a general feeling of holding back–even though I’ve been using Rori’s tools to the best of my ability and being as open and vulnerable as possible while using feeling messages. He is very much in his head–always refers to “thinking”–never “feeling.”

    Here is what I really wanted to share and get help around: On Thanksgiving I met his parents for the first time (that took a long time, considering they live fairly close) and we had dinner at his brother’s house (another first). I felt very comfortable, and he told me a couple times afterwards how glad he was that I met his parents and how nice it was to have me there.
    That night, a breakthrough of sorts, happened.
    When he came to bed he asked me,”How’s your heart?” I said, “It’s feeling warm and in pain at the same time.” I then asked him about his heart and he said that it felt closed and covered with scar tissue (!)

    Rori (or others), what do you make of this? It is most wonderful, right?! He felt safe and vulnerable enough to say something like this–even refer to his heart–which has not happened in the previous year.
    And yet, I am also scared and worried because he has pinpointed the cause of holding back. And he is telling me that, even with me there, his heart feels closed.
    Oh dear ones, is this a lost cause? I don’t want to get too much into analyzing him, but he clearly was hurt badly by his daughter’s mother, who left him after nine years against his wishes and almost immediately partnered with someone else.
    Other than the aspects that I have mentioned, our relationship has been wonderful. But I know that I deserve the real deal–how long do I wait for his heart to heal and open up??
    Are there ways to facilitate the healing of both of our hearts so that we can freely open them to each other and have the intimacy that we both clearly want?
    We seem so perfect for each other!

    Peace and love to all of you,

  185.  #185TW on November 30, 2008 at 8:29 am

    Hello ladies- still no word from him but I do feel as though I will hear from him tomorrow. It will be a business call but a call just the same. I have saved some text in my phone because I really do not want to talk to him right now. He has blown me off since Friday afternoon. No time no calls nothing. I even called and left him a message to call me but in my mind, this is how it wouod go: (this is jut in my mind now, not reality)

    He will call and I will not answer but will respond by text

    (my text)- I really do not feel like talking right now. I really don’t know what to say.

    he will more than likely respond by saying: Are you mad at me

    My response would be “I’m not mad but I’m not stupid either”

    Then of course he would ask me what I mean or do I still love him and my response would be “you never have to question my love for you but I feel as though I have to question your love for me all the time. It is not about whether I love you or not but about respect, honesty, and trust. It’s about feeling as though you are a part of someone’s life.

    It is sad how I know in my head how the conversation will go but I know him like that. We text back and forth sometimes at work and I did not get to in depth with the I feels but just left it general to make him think about how he is acting. Notice, I have not sent these but I know I will have to talk to him some time next week. Do you think Ishould respond to his text like I did above or should I not say anything. I am asking advice before it happens because I know it will happen.

  186.  #186TW on November 30, 2008 at 8:45 am

    That conversation did not really happen but I need to know how to respond through text with the I feels or should I respond at all…….. Kinda like leaving him guessing huh.

  187.  #187Lin on November 30, 2008 at 9:18 am

    The best thing to do… is be honest with your feelings… do not pretend…. do not blame him.

    I feel he has to feel like he let you down and he deserves to feel he lost your affection.. and attention.. as he did not give you any all hoilday weekend. If he did nothing for you and your realatioship all weekend…and still has your love.. ? If you ignored someone.. and then heard they still love you.. how would you feel?
    What does he have to work for…? I am sure Clara will help you with the feeling messages.

    However… I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel disconnected from you and our relationship at this time.. when he asks…. do you still love me.
    would be a better response…
    How does that feel ?…. more powerful ?
    Hugs to you. I know this is a hard time.

  188.  #188Clara on November 30, 2008 at 10:23 am

    I am with Lin when she advises you to follow your feelings and be honest to them, and yes please do not blame and do not explain, just be your feelings and express them in feeling messages and powerful speech or words !

    Like if he calls and you do feel like talking to him, then talk and do not resort to texting, but you need to follow your feelings and STICK to YOU and keep your boundaries!

    Let’s tweak a little bit your conversation :

    (Your text)- I really do not feel like talking right now. I really don’t know what to say.

    My tweak – I do not feel I have anything to say to you, I do not feel connected with you….I feel disconneted with you…

    Your text – he will more than likely respond by saying: Are you mad at me
    My response would be “I’m not mad but I’m not stupid either”

    Tweak – I feel disconnected ( emphasis on this phrase) not mad at you.

    Your text – Then of course he would ask me what I mean or do I still love him and my response would be “you never have to question my love for you but I feel as though I have to question your love for me all the time. It is not about whether I love you or not but about respect, honesty, and trust. It’s about feeling as though you are a part of someone’s life.

    Tweak – I do not want to answer this kind of questions, what do you think I mean ? I do not mean, I feel simply !I feel now that Love is not only a matter of meaning and giving! I feel Love, I live Love when there’s TRUST, HONESTY, RESPECT, COMMUNICATION and CONNECTION, all reciprocated and mutual…. I feel that sharing this important part of the love I have in my heart and is imprisonned in my heart for there are no reciprocity, no sharing…it feels like I am pouring my fountain of love in a limitless cold ocean,or a bottomless well, rather than in a cup wanting my waters of love, hence why I feel disconnected with you !
    I Feel I have the right to be an important if not the most important part of my man’s life, and giving back love would be my pleasure, but I do not feel this way right now, I do not feel I am an important part in your life, I feel a barrier, a wall, a nonchalance, I feel disconnected… that is what I feel, and I cannot explain what I mean, it is up to you to understand my feelings, as much as it is not my job to understand your behavior, I just feel your actions and their effect on me…
    I feel I love you but I also feel I do not like to be taken for granted because of the way I feel…

    And Of course all of you ladies please add your wonderful insight and inspiration, our TW needs us now so please let’s help one another, tweak also my tweaking …and help me too 🙂

    Thank you Lin, you are a wonderful person yourself, and I have learnet alot from you, when you helped me and I think you need to tweak also my tweaking … I am just so new in these feeling messages and power speeches that i am afraid of making things worse rather than helping !!

    TW I wish you all the best in this coming experience, take it as it comes, do not be afraid, another experience to add, another fear to face, another lesson to learn, another feeling to feel totally and not absorb but live fully, whether happy or sad, it is part of us, our feelings belongs to us, and we are PROUD of who we are, we are proud of what we did, do and will do, we are proud to BE who we are, just let your feelings speak for you…I will pray for your inspiration and flowing of your feelings in all fluidity, lightness and straight fron your heart to his …
    May God bless you and assist you
    With Love and warm hugs

  189.  #189Lin on November 30, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Clara and TW Good Job.
    Perfect feeling messages except the last
    “I feel I love you but I also feel I do not like to be taken for granted because of the way I feel…” blames him.. and we don’t want that..
    …. just disconnected…feelings.. .. he left TW alone all weekend.. \This is such an important time in your relationship…to set it right again.
    Lean back and allow him to step up… he might not do it right away….. so let him go.. until he realises that he misses you and wants your love…. TW if you can do that… You will be happy with him again….. I know its hard… so hard… and may be impossible… for you to do.
    I try so hard and mess up all the time.. !!
    this is all new for me also…we are all learning together…..!! Clara you had a set back…
    and that’s all it was… a set back.. now get back on the horse… and ride again… !!
    I will be praying for all of us….
    TW… I am so glad you reach out for help.. when you need it…. start loving the power you feel when you do not call him.. when you don’t ask him for attention….. In your heart feel you have him… in the oven …. and he is just not done yet !!!
    Have a great day.

  190.  #190TW on November 30, 2008 at 11:29 am

    Hey ladies, I just came from church. I thank you all so much for your responses. That makes me feel loved and cared about because you all take the time to help me. God bless you all. I am watching Sex in the City the movie right now. It makes me sad and happy to watch how Carrie turned her sadness into empowerment and then got her man. All the wrong he did to her in the past but she made him come to her. I love this movie. Talk to you ladies in a little while.

  191.  #191Lin on November 30, 2008 at 11:31 am

    TW !

    I cried through the whole movie.. I was so glad I was all alone watching it… enjoy… !!
    Hugs to you,

  192.  #192TW on November 30, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    I just finished the movie AGAIN but it makes me feel both happy and sad ya know. I only wish that my situation would turn out in marriage. I have so much to say but jut need an opportunity to say them. I love someone that may be loving someone else. I have no clue. I want to believe what he tells me because we always have been so honest with each other in the past. I wish that he showed me his love in the same way that I show him but it is time for him to do some work. When we first met, he would call me 3 to 4 times a day and would always want to see me. This lasted for about 2 years. There are so many things that I miss. He would kiss me on my forehead while I was sleeping and tell me that he loved me while I was sleep because he had not at that point in time come out and told me yet. I would pretend that I was asleep and let the emotion of his voice and his words flow through me. I miss him but I know I need to let go of him so to speak and not let him go as rori says. It is going to be hard but this is where you ladies come in. You all are like my family now but you all have much better advice to give on this subject. I know you all have my best interest at heart and I love to be able to sit here and communitcate with you all and even though I am talking about him the focus is on what is best for me. It keeps me from calling and texting and stuff like that. Gives me something to do. he is my Mr. Big. Years of hurt but years of love. No matter who I have been with and vice versa, we have always managed to find our way back into each others life. I do not know what I would do without him but right now I do not want to be with him either because he has grown to be so cold. I feel in my heart that he is the one for me but then again through my healing I may find someone else. I certainly enjoy spending tim ewith people because that makes me feel good. Maybe I will make a littel football watching date for tonight so I can be entertained and shown affection. It will all come together soon and like I said, right now I do not wish to really speak to him but that is a good thing because it is giving me time to work on me while showing him at the same time that I am important to me and that I am not just sitting around waiting on im to find me to be important because I am important to myself.

  193.  #193TW on November 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    Question? Do you all think the commitment blueprint program is the right one for me. I was just watching a clip about it and reading a little of the testimonials and it seems that is the one for me. What do you all think? I really do not have the money right now with it being Christmas time and I have two boys but it woulod be better to have two boys with a father figure in the house than without ya know. you all know my situation well enough to know what I should order.

  194.  #194Lin on November 30, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    What other programs do you have…?
    how about the e-mail program. do you have that one..? the heart connection one is so good.. also…. I don’t know what to say.. you should do next… ? just do the ones you have
    and listen over and over again…. That’s what I would recommend… right now.. actually the being the siren is good for you also.? Its all about you… and that’s what we have to remember…
    TW. if this man.. does not give you the love you desire,,, its OK… that mean there is someone else…. I am so much older than you.
    and I can say truthfully…. every relationship that did not work out for me… the next one was so much better… and I love deeper with each one… and also the next is not easy to find. however when you find it… its better.
    so don’t worry about it… just be the best you.
    and with all you have been taught… you will find it… if not now .. soon…. and it could be him … however you have to change first…. !
    love you..and love those boys you have…

  195.  #195TW on November 30, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    I get her e mails if that is what you are asking but they are not very in depth. They tell you about the problem but not the in depth way to fix them. I acknowledge what I have done wrong through them but not how to fix them. I just read about the Reconnect Your Relationship program and that is me all over. I did everything listed!!! 🙂 Imagine that!!! I do not have any of her oprograms and I am looking for a way to start and to see what works best for me. My boys are so precious to me. They are so big now. The next thing you know they will be in college and leaving me. I know there is someone out there for me and it could be the guy that has my affection and then again it may not be. Who knows right now. With the programs I may be able to figure it out.

  196.  #196Jen-B on December 1, 2008 at 2:44 am

    Hey TW~Clara~Lin~Rori~

    It’s great to read about all of you…
    I’m so glad…

    Clara & Lin… after reading what you guys tweak about TW’s messages helped me understand a lot… I would be talking like how TW is if I were to talk to him… but most of the time we are communicating through msn chatting.

    There is a turn in my r/s now and I feel frozen… I dunno how to handle it and it is stressing me out. I feel like i am going to explode…

    The last I told you guys that we became friends before I return… (I figured it is true what Rori and all of you said… if there is no propose for the future… I should just be friends with him…) and when I return, I found his email about how terrible he felt and I am all confused about him being one person from afar and another person from near.

    Since I came back, I focused on me… and I did have a lot to do and preparing for work next year… I am jet lagged, tired, feeling like I’m gonna fall sick… I still haven’t even finish unpacking… I have drawn away from him and have not contacted him on msn and all… The first time I decided to say Hi was a few days back when he signed in. It was casual chatting… we did went into talking about some of the problems we faced during the trip. He got a lil upset and said it’s fine, we will stay as friends and I just took that and moved on. I felt my heart closing and far from him… I had such a bad experience during the trip of how he treated me and I do not want to feel that from anyone ever again.

    We chatted again last night and he told me that he couldn’t take it as us just being my friend and seeing me moving on wif my life. He said he doesn’t want to look like the stupid guy in front of my friends… and what I told them really bothered him. He had no idea what I told my friends … (I wondered if he…checked out tis website and saw my email…) cos he dun know my friends actually… only one. The fact that his image is being tarnished and there will be no support from my friends and they will be looking him in a different light, really bothered him bad… ( I really dun understand why is this) I asked him why it matter so much about what my frens think rather than what I thot abt him. He was silence and jus told me that it just mattered. Sigh…

    What am I to do??? Not talk to my frens and share my feelings when I’m hurting? They care and wanna find out about me and how the trip went. All of them were so excited that I’m back and assumed I had a great time… am I suppose to lie to them? He was upset that I didn’t defend him and he said he would never do that to me… What am I to do here??

    Then he told me that perhaps it is better that we cancel out on each other’s lives… never to speak again cos he cant take me as just friends and he is hurting. He was hurt that I didnt give him a benefit of a doubt for how he reacted… (I told him I did and I hung on for 2 months !)

    He told me he saw a therapist and he told him what he felt was normal… how he withdraw away out of fear… n we didn’t have time apart for him to think, digest and ponder… I was always there in the house and he didnt know what to do wif me and that stressed him out a lot. There was no normal dating… after being apart for 6 months, we agreed to meet again and I went to look for him and suddenly I was there… it was too fast for him and 3 months is a long time. (I wanted to shorten the trip due to some reason but he insisted 3 months before I came.) Anyways, when I did arrive… he said he didnt know what to do…

    He said he was all stressed up so he reacted the way he did. (not wanting to hold my hands, kissing, the coldness… the anger & frustration that I often felt and I felt unwanted and terrible…) So after I left and he had time to digest everything and think, he felt terrible and missed me dearly.

    So here is my problem… I am confused and I feel myself withdrawing from him. When I talk to him over msn… I do not feel comfortable… I feel that I dun trust him… my defenses are up so high and I feel that I can’t trust him… I do not want to hurt the way I did… and I dunno how we will be like… What do I do? He didn’t say it that he want me back as his girl… but just said he doesn’t want to be some friend. I did tell him I feel that unless we have a plan to be in the same location to grow this r/s it’s gonna be so hard. He kept saying I have made up my mind to move on so we should just be cut off cos he can’t bare that pain and he is hurting. I told him I have not made up my mind…

    Then I told him I needed a break to the bathroom and when I came back, our msn conversation changed course and it became lighter… and good… he sent me stuff through the internet and asked about my life…

    What do I do…. I’m scare to have a long distance r/s… I feel like we should just stay as frens until we can be in the same location… I dun wanna put my heart in and being so far… I dun want to tink of him as something else in my head and then in reality…to turn out different again. (Or perhaps he is the person I know over internet but like the therapist said… he froze?) I feel like I dun wanna put myself in that position anymore… I dun like the way he put me down when I was there… I dun want to discover after months of great r/s afar and then when we meet, it’s a different story… What do I do?? Call it quits? Move on? Or just be friends…?? What happens if he doesn’t wanna be friends… I hate to lose him as a friend…

    I dun wanna be wrong in this and come back to see that I have lost someone who might have been… or am I wrong…

    I seriously feel so stressed up now… I dunno what to believe and where to go… I feel that I need time… and I dunno how to trust him… it’s just a lot of uneasy feeling… I dunno if I have stopped loving him.. or it’s just a lot of bad experience crowding me… what do I do??

    I really appreciate any support or insights from you girls…. I so need that now… 🙁

  197.  #197TW on December 1, 2008 at 5:27 am

    JEN B- You really need to focus on what you are feeling instead of what he is feeling because what he is feeling is rejection and you know you will say and do anything to not feel that way at all. I do not know what to tell you because I left a l/d r/s 7 months ago and tried to mend it but my heart just was not there and I knew it. He had way too much feminine energy for me. I always had to make all the decisions on what we were going to do and stuff and I hate that. Anyway, back to you, go with what YOU feel as I suggested and if you all are goign to talk then feeling messages are the way to go my dear and leave it at that. If he is in therapy then let his thereapist deal with his feelings and you and Rori deal with yours. It is not up to you to figure him out.

  198.  #198Samat on December 1, 2008 at 6:51 am

    Hi, I was talking to this guy i am dating and we were talking about kids. During that time he mentioned that he doesnt want to have children if we get married. What does this say about him? Does it mean that he is not into marrying me and does not love me. I just want to know what the issue is here. When I asked him he said its because he doesnt want the child to grow up having emotional issues or depressed. I dont know, can someone share their thoughts with me on this subject please?

  199.  #199Clara on December 1, 2008 at 9:46 am

    Hey ladies

    TW – I think you need to start with the e-Book then TOXIC Men, I did that and it is working great for me, Toxic men is not only about men, it is mostly about us women, and how we draw toxic men because of our toxic theme in life, this program is great to make you know this stranger in you who pushes and whine and make a mess out of our lives without us even noticing,
    So it is about YOU first not him …always dalways think that what you are doing is for your own well-being not for him or any other…YOU ARE the MOST important Person in the whole issue NO ONE should come before you !!
    I am intending to buy after the “Reconnect your relationship” and it is also about ( as I understood ) how to deal with Me to be able to deal with him …no matter who this HIM is whjether my husband my ex or my colleagues at work or whomever…
    I want to be ME and I will work on it…so please TW just remember you are doing this for you, YOU my dear 🙂
    Take care and bless you and your 2 men 🙂

    This guy is all about himself, I am so sorry for he is worried about what your friends are thinking and NOT how YOU ARE FEELING and that IS SCREAMING selfish and self-centered, besides don’t you think it is a bit LATE for him to feel awful about what he did ?
    For me it is like my ex NAte all over, you know what just drop him, do not even think of friendship, just let go of him and continue working on yourself and your life be happy, and after either he will be back KNOWING and appreciating you as you should be appreciated and loved or another man with realize that you are a GEM that he does not want to lose !
    Do not bother about this guy, he seems emotionally unstable, and immature !
    Just let go of him and Continue with your life and never feel guilt, you have the right to confide and say the truth to your friends about what happened, if he does not like it and feels hurt THEN IT IS TIME FOR HIM to Step up to the plate and do what a REAL man should do and be a mature responsible person, and stop his childish behavior!
    As far as you’re concerned HIS problems are his it is not your JOB to take care of him, on the contrary he is the one who needs to give, you only give back, he does not like it this way, then let him leave you alone and in peace, Keep your boundaries and stay on your bridge…many men would dream of having a steady future with a wonderful woman like you ….PLEASE do not forget this very important fact, he is not the last man on earth …Just keep on trusting your intuition and yourself, I myself do not feel he is trustworthy…and whether he is reading this blog or not …you should not care what he THINKS but how he is ACTING …
    Take care dear


    \How old is he ? was he married before and have children? you know sometimes men do not really know what they want until they get it, or they don’t …
    if he wasn’t married and had no children, maybe he doies not want the responsibility ? some men do not have this fatherhood fabric woven into them.,… I dunno…maybe the ladies also would give you more explanation…
    Do not worry dear it is not about Loving you or not, basically it is about the man and his level of selfishness …if I am not mistaken,and of course Rori is the best person to advise you on this.

    Take care all of you
    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you all

  200.  #200Samat on December 1, 2008 at 9:55 am

    Thanks Clara for your reply. No he was never married and has no children. I think he also said about the responsibility thing. But is this situation telling me that he doesnt want to have children with ME or children anyway, which would mean he doesnt want to be with me. I dont know thanks anyway.

  201.  #201TW on December 1, 2008 at 10:09 am

    Clara- you would be proud to know that I have not called or text since Saturday. Not long but baby steps. There will be no contact until he contacts me. Samat- I wouldn’t really worry about the kids thing right now because I said that too until I got pregnant. it more than likely has nothing to do with you at all but fear of responsibility.

  202.  #202TW on December 1, 2008 at 10:44 am

    I will have to talk to him before the week is out but I don’t know how to react. I will be glad to hear his voice but will be pissed just the same. what do I do? I don’t want to come off sounding harsh but then I don’t want to be nonchalant either. any suggestions

  203.  #203Margaret on December 1, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    Hey there you Goddesses,

    You all have so much love to give. It amazing just having the courage to help ourselves and the unselfishness we have to help others along. We are like cheerleaders.

    I myself have been going through a bad break-up myself. He gave me the world in the beginning and because of my fear I just couldn’t or wouldn’t accept it. Then I rejected him, and now I want him back. I did everything for months, all the “wrong” stuff, so I’ve really been pushing him away. I’m so thankful that I encounterd Rori’s tools, I feels like she’s the only one that really “gets it” not only from the man’s side but from our side as well. I’ve been practicing with the tools. I saw him last week and HE approached ME! But I just felt so much anger for what he’s been putting me through I was “too nice” to cover it up and then basically ran away from the conversation. I felt too emotional. Anyways, I realize I’ve got to stay with the horse and accept What is and work from there. I recently found out that he lost his job and I wanna call so bad. But I know men are not attracted to women who feel pity for them, but isn’t it just being polite, he knows that I know even though he didn’t tell me. Any ideas? I don’t wanna fool myself and lean forward….


  204.  #204Cassandra on December 1, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    I HAVE MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH! I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving…..each of you were in my prayers. TW…I am SO PROUD of you for not calling or texting him! Whenever you feel that urge to call him or text him just come here and write to us or riff to get that down. It will help and you know that we are all here for you and love you! I know how hard that is to not call him and this is truly a big deal and something that you should celebrate. As time goes on it will get easier. Keep focusing on you and working on your power speeches. I think you are doing a great job! Jen-B… too! I totally agree with Clara and Lin. This man does not deserve you in his present state of ‘all about him’. Please please do NOT give up anything including 5 of your minutes for this man and definitely do not even think about moving for him. Clara and Lin….I have so missed you both and everything that you shared with TW helped me so so so much. I love all of you! XOXO

    I personally am feeling so sad and I feel guilty about feeling that way in that we had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Charles and I really connected over this holiday in so many ways…he actually LISTENED to me and that made me feel so happy. I so want things to be right and stay that way but I also know the dangerous situation that happened last Sunday night…that is very real as well. I feel sad because I want things to be right for the long haul but I don’t see that happening even though he is back to telling me that he wants us to work out too…I feel happy in that our Thanksgiving was wonderful. He spent the ENTIRE 4 days with me! I could not believe it! Then last night he made a comment about me moving and not being here over the summer. I have poured my heart and soul into this house and into our relationship..I do not want to leave…I do not want to be without him…i WANT to wake up next to him every morning and go to sleep in his arms each night….to even think of moving breaks me heart into little pieces. I have been so HAPPY these last few days and I don’t want it to end…I feel like crying because I don’t want it to end.

    I love you guys and keep focusing on YOU! XOXO
    Love and huge hugs to each of you!

  205.  #205Lin on December 1, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    So happy you had a nice holiday with Charles.
    I always wanted to share with you…. what ever
    Charles did….( I never could find it..) I guess
    it was signing up for some dating web site
    for married people.. Big mistake.. YES !
    However he could be very sorry about it.. and you could forgive him…. love conquers all..
    No one is perfect.!! Its not like he actually went out with some women and was unfaithful?
    Communication is everything….!
    If you both love each other… you can wake up next to him every day !!! This relationship is not over… just keep working it…. the tools..
    and power speeches.. from the heart.
    I feel your happiness completely !!!

  206.  #206Clara on December 1, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    I think you needn’t worry for the time being about children, and I think NO it is not about having or not children with YOU, it is about him not wanting the responsibility of kids whether with you or with someone else!!
    If he talked about responsibility then be sure it is not about you, besides it is not YOUR problem dear Samat to deal with what HE thinks, let him think what he wants, the important is how YOU feel, you are the important person in this, and your feelings are important, so please do not bring yourself down, beat yourself up or under-estimate yourself because of him…

    Please keep on working on yourself, either with time he realizes his Luck to have met you, or YOU would better off without him and open for a real man who loves you and want children and a family = He is mature and responsible.
    Take care
    God bless you
    Love and warm hugs

  207.  #207Clara on December 1, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    Oh Yes you should be proud Girl and proud you are and beautiful and lovely and classy and deserve the best!

    I know it is hard not to call or text or initiate contact, I was there and I can TOTALLY RELATE to your longing and feeling so alone without him…BUT and yes it is a HUGE but, we all know now that this is LEANING FORWARD, that is a RORI’s NONO, and as you siad yourself, it is by baby steps that you will conquer this urge…( it is more of a habit, an addiction to the feelings we build inside…) and we can develope another habit of not initiating anything…yes it is gonna be hard won’t kid you, I used to burn to hear just his “hello” if nothing else the timbre of his voice his laughter etc…and that was sufficient to fill me with happiness, hence i thought that he is the one giving me happiness and that was WRONG, it is ME who THOUGHT it was happiness, because i was unable to give it to myself…
    Now that I know about this stranger inside me ( through Rori’s program) I came around to realize that it was all in my head and went down to my heart …and I became addicted to my OWN feelings rather than him, he acted like the Catalyst and teh personification of my inner NEEDS of wanting so much to be Loved and recognized as a WOMAN.
    I am not saying I am over him already, not at all, I am still weak and needing to build more immunity, but at least now I can notice the means and ways and apply them and deliver myself from Pain and longing and addiction !
    Please TW, there’s no do or die situation, why will you have to talk to him this week??? Ask yourself, why??? NO you do not have to call this week, and even if he calls and you do not feel like talking just tell him :” I feel I am unable to talk right now, though it feels good to hear your voice, but I feel I need to be in a more receptive level to really feel you and listen to you”
    Or is there something URGENT ???
    You know, He is not God, and he’s not your savior, he is just a man, who until now is not stepping up to the plate, is not even answering your calls or having interest to pass by and see you, I feel he is acting selfishly, even if he was hurt before, let him SPARE YOU the drama, please, is he mature enough or not to realize that was the past, both of you are living in teh now ? so all is about you, about your feelings and your needs, and if he is unable to satisfy them, it is up to you to decide my dear TW what to do, but please please think of YOU not of him 🙂
    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you

  208.  #208TW on December 1, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    I love you ladies!! I have no clue what to think right now. I do not know if he has found someone else and doesnt want to tell me or if he has just been busy with work or what. My mind is playing tricks on me and you know we can make ourselves believe anything if we think about it long enough. I am glad I have you ladies to talk to. We are all gooing to be okay!!! I will definitely be online tonight with you all to take the focus off of my phone and stuff. I have so much fun “chatting” with you all.

  209.  #209Clara on December 1, 2008 at 1:40 pm


    Welcome and thank you for your lovely words 🙂

    I hope that soon you will notice further changes in your man stepping up and giving you the love you deserve.
    As for contacting him, because he lost his job, well isn’t your question a kind of alibi you are giving yourself to lean forward ? 🙂
    Even if he lost his job, it is not your problem, Like Rori says a Goddess do not busy herself with her man’s problems, you can LISTEN if HE intiate Contacts and talks about it, You can have a compassionate words for him as to give hope and moral support, but if I were in your shoes I won’t do it, I won’t contact him because of this jobless situation he is in, besides men are mostly touchy and very sensitive during such situation, and he might think you are just calling by pity which is the EXACT opposite of what you wnat NO ?
    Hang on in there dear Maggy 🙂 Hold on and keep on working on Rori’s tools, he will sense your vibes and he will comeback without you risking anything 🙂
    Warm Hugs and love
    God Bless you

  210.  #210Clara on December 1, 2008 at 1:48 pm


    So happy for you passing a very beautiful Thanksgiving 🙂

    Dear, please please he is sensing your clinging vibes, he is sensing your “heart breaking into peaces for not wanting to leave the house” and that pushhes him away like Rori taught us, PLEASE just work on yourself with Rori’s tools and hopefully you will wake up everyday near him and in his arms once he will REALIZE he loves you and wants you in his life FOREVER.
    Please do not give up, men commit mistakes and then repent, but we women need to learn not to always give but only GIVE BACK when they deserve it 🙂
    Let him feel that through power speeches and feeling messages …STAND your ground Cassandra, even if you have to leave the house for a while to return back and stay there forever it is worth this ordeal, for you know now you are doing the right thing, it is much better than clinging and wanting to stay hence shoving him away and yourself out of his life.
    Just PERSEVERE and continue working on yourself, and remember it is not for him anyway, IT IS FOR YOU…and YOU deserve the best 🙂
    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you

  211.  #211Lin on December 1, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    wow, nicely said…. isn’t the addiction actually chemicals in our brains… attaching us to our guys…. I always called it endorphins.
    and when we do not hear their voices… we are running out of the chemical.? However if we married the guy.. the chemical would just not
    be so intense..? I don’t know.. its just a feeling.

    Clara, I remember TW saying she worked with
    him… and that’s why she knows she will have to talk to him.

    TW : this is why Rori wants us to date other men , to build ourselves and learn not attach our self solely to this man… and also to
    show us… its all about us.. and our happiness does not have to be … that we have to have that certain person in our lives… Too much importance on him..!! If he is with someone else.. I guess you just want to know.. correct.
    The last thing,, a guy or women what to feel is that they are completely responsible for someone else’s happiness…. so please go have fun… after work… tonight with out him.
    If you can.. he will feel it.. and you will feel more powerful…. I know its easier said than done.. !!! He does notice you have not called him.. for sure.. correct…. ? He must be wondering .. why he has not heard from you..
    Keep up the good work…!!!
    Could you go 21 days ? Cause the habit will be over then..!!! You will be free of the anxiety.
    warm hugs with understanding for what you are going through !

  212.  #212TW on December 1, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Lin- I do not work with him. The work that I do requires me to have to deal with him from time to time which is normally about two to three times a week. Soemtimes more sometimes less. Normally towards the end of the week is when we make more contact but I know he will probably call me then but he can always call someone else and get the same information but has not in the past. You know how that is but every day is a struggle but yes it is getting easier. I am glad I have you ladies to talk to because I check my e mail constantly to see what responses have been posted.

  213.  #213Clara on December 1, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    Lin Dear,

    Oh yes it has ALOT to do with our brains just like you said,but the endorphins are responsible for inducing our sleep, you meant serotonin/epinephrine and norepinephrine (neurotransmitters) that are responsible
    for our psychological emotional balance, and mostly why why we got hooked up with a man? it is the Oxytocin this hormone that we secrate when our emotional and sexual drive are high or after sexual intercourse…
    If we marry the guy it is not teh neurotransmitters or the oxytocin that goes stable it is our needs and also our excitment to be married are well tamed and worked through, but you know that is why we can keep rekindling our love’s and sexual life by using these chemicals by working with them, by being sensual and feminine just like Rori said…to open up and be …
    It is so beautiful to be a woman no matter what 🙂 \

    I love you Ladies and here’s another subject Nate is sending me and I just copy paste
    He wrote ———– “It feels so nice “talking” to you through email ! Because that is exacty how I am feeling! ” ———–
    For God’s sake he is sending me feeling messages !!!!!
    Could you believe that ???????????? I am suffocating, it hit me full throttle, I am enraged and I do not know what to do anymore and I am so ANGRY and furious not against him or me but because I am still weak and unable to take it calmly or not even have any reaction…

    I just want him to stop drawing me this way, he knows all of my chords and keys and he’s playing this game, but this is too much…he is sending me FEELING MESSAGES as if reading my mind ….aghrrrrrrrrrrr
    I want to hit him in the teeth …ahhhhhhhhh

    Bear with me ladies
    sorry for the outburst … feeling as if he is making fun of me while I know he isn’t and he means every single word …..( I am gritting my teeth so hard ….not to scream …)

    I am sorry if I can’t talk that much this afternoon but I need to riff and feel deeply my anger and confusion and try to calm down…

    Love you all
    God bless you
    Love and warm hugs

  214.  #214Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    Sherri, welcome! He’s closed off because YOU are closed off. Don’t believe any of this stuff about men’s “scars” or anything else – it’s all made up. We’re all wounded, and men bounce back very, very quickly in the presence of a woman who is healing HERSELF.

    As you work on opening up your own heart, and on trusting yourself to feel what you really feel – he will slowly start to trust you more and come INTO your heart. Men don’t open up their hearts like we do, if you can imagine it this way. Imagine that as we open our own hearts, and let them IN – they sort of come inside our hearts. They give themselves to us, they give TO us, and we open and receive. Does that make any sense? It’s sort of like the way sex works, mechanically and even spiritually. So glad to have you here, Love Rori

  215.  #215TW on December 1, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    Clara- you are normally the strong one but now I see why you are so weak for Nate….. come on now… he’s using the I FEEL messages against you. He’s good! its time to put your game face on. you may want to ask him if he knows someone named Rori. 🙂 you never know… he just may be reading the e book. Just laugh it off and enjoy being you

  216.  #216Becca on December 1, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Clara I like this that you said earlier ~ “He is not God, and he’s not your savior, he is just a man” ~ I think we all need to remember this sometimes. Maybe its time we started saving ourselves, instead of waiting for Prince Charming.

  217.  #217Lin on December 1, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    Your a genius !!
    If we could bottle the Oxytocin
    in a pill. We would be millionaires…!
    actually I know you can buy it but need a prescription as it messes with our hormones.

    I know Nate must be very very smart to hook you in the first place… thats how my guy is.
    Its like he knows the tools… and has been practising a long long time.. ! I looked at a site… for men.. to make women fall in love with them… and there is was… very inlighting.

    #1 women love confident men… so.. always make your self come 1st… ( but dont over do it and become a jerk)

    #2. ask them to do all kinds of things for us.
    riduculas kinds of things also… and make sure they do it…. ask for things every day.

    does any of this sound familar.. ?
    I feel your just too smart.. just too powerful
    of a women… to allow Nate.. to do this to you.
    and to do this to your marriage.
    With out Nate in your mind…. how would your life be better?

    I do feel that you are so so much better handing this than you were once you just found this site.. so.. dont be mad at your self.. you have come a long way Baby !!! so keep it up.

    I feel I turned my relationship around.. he is so much better.. and he even said he wants us to live together.. right away.. he wants to move in.
    so… I am staying CALM !! and leaning back.
    also letting him do things for me…. not saying to much… I dont beleive he will untill next weekend.. due to his work hours.. being so long.. he is in the resturant bus. back room.
    not out in front. I gotta go


  218.  #218Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Thank you all so much for helping each other – TW – you are working WAY too HARD!! Pull back and focus on yourself. You can’t get a man to DO anything, and you surely cannot get a man to LOVE you. You can only INSPIRE him to love you – and that can only come from you – your warmth, openness, all built on inner strength and confidence. Keep doing the Tools like Out The Window – where you focus on your personal contribution to the world instead of your personal contribution to HIM. Love, Rori

  219.  #219Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Cathy, Welcome, and thank you for the lovely comment. Yes! I want to encourage you to keep talking to yourself the way you do here – having faith that things are going well and that you are keeping on track, and working alongside God and/or The Universe for your life by following the trail of what FEELS good.

    So – I want you to stop BEATING yourself up for relapses into negative thinking. The bouncing around is all part of growing – forward and backward and sideways and all over the map – just keep going by doing the Tools. Whenever you feel off – pick something off your “Channeling” list from the Power & Self Esteem Tools here – and DO it – let your inner “boy” do it – so you can keep experiencing and experimenting…and let the down times be about “Rest” – which we all need. Love, Rori

  220.  #220Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    Cathy – STOP HANGING IN. Start dating other men right now, this minute!!! NOW. Date him if he calls and you want to, but put NO EFFORT into this at all. If he gets mad and confused, that’s GOOD! Love, Rori

  221.  #221TW on December 1, 2008 at 6:38 pm

    I hear ya and I know. He called me a little while ago and when it got silent, I did not go with the conversation as usual. I let him talk to me. He aksed me could he call me back and I said yes and he did call me back. We have a really nice conversation about a friend of mine and then the focus came to us. I opened up and said I felt weird, I felt open and vulnerable, I felt scared to openly love someone with my whole being. I never said that I was scared to love him just scared to love in general. I did not blame him for anything and I did not say anything negative about what he has done in the past I jsut let the conversation flow and I could tell that he was really listening to what I was saying because there were pauses before he said anything. I did not get all of my power speech out but he asked me to call him later when I got home and got situated because he wanted to talk some more. Imagine that. He hasn’t talked to me in days but all of a sudden “I feel” he wasnt to talk to me!!!! Baby steps ladies. I am so glad that I have you all. I know I need to let go but honestly I am rally uptight by nature. I am an everything in it’s place type of person and if something needs to be done by % then it needs to be done by 5. I am really trying to let go of that. I love you ladies so much and I am so glad to have you all as a part of my life.

  222.  #222TW on December 1, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    You guys are right. I was doing too much by trying to call and text and stuff but once I stopped look at what happened. He called me and wants to talk more. Imagien that. I need to go back to being my fabulous sexy self. As a matter of fact, I am preparing myself for a nice hot bath and some sexy red lingerie. Making MYSELF feel sexy for me. If he wants to join then he can but it will not be because I invited him. He has to come to me!!! Love you guys and rori thank you again for pointing that out.

  223.  #223Cathy on December 1, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    Rori, thank you for the encouragement. I have preparing myself for my husband for almost seven years by being single and doing what Cathy wanted to do. Thinking that when I met the one I would be so strong, so prepared. Well I met Jr. I thought that he was going to be the one until I saw he was not going to commit to me. I thought it would be easy to get rid of him but it has been really hard. When I am with him I am on top of this world and when I am without him I know I need to move on. It is the strangest thing I have ever felt but yet something has me there.
    Have you ever felt like I can do be strong and let him go when I am in church, or I am with my best girlfriends, or even on this site but when I accept that call or run into him at work all my strength disappears. I out of my 38 years thought I would never allow a man to make me weak and now Jr has.
    I am thankful I ran into this site and look forward to seeing what blossoms because I am a fighter. I am a conquerer. And I love to celebrate. Thanks Rori and Thank all you ladies.

  224.  #224Jen-B on December 2, 2008 at 6:55 am

    Hey TW, Clara & ladies~~

    Sorry to be away for a few… I went into my “cave” to ponder and think… about how I feel and what you gals said. sigh. I wish I can say I have come to a clear cut conclusion… I know what you mean… to work on me and be happy… to move on from him and perhaps he’ll come back. Or maybe not.

    I am trying very hard on that… I dunno why it is so hard ! That night when he said about cutting off from each other… my heart jus sank and I really dun wanna lose him as a friend… I am still not sure if I want him to be that special someone in my life… I guess a part of me is holding on cos of the hopes I have…the hopes that he will change…

    I cut myself off my ex boyfriend (the one before this r/s) and it was the most painful thing I have ever done. I felt so betrayed and abandoned when he broke up wif me thru a text message, refuse to meet up and talk and just pick up and left… to another place. Totally gone and disappear. Sometime after he tried contacting me again and then said it was a mistake and left again. Took me almost 3 yrs to pick myself up again and this cutting off again just brings back a lot of bad feelings in me… I don’t wanna go through that… 🙁 not again… pls…

    It’s true Clara… I find it’s a lil late… 🙁 and I dunno if “stress” is a valid reason. I once learn that the measure of a man is not when things r smooth sailing but when the world around him falls apart. I guess it fell apart when I’m there and I guess it is over. I can’t subject myself to that kind of treatment…

    You know… I saw him smiling and looking at the air stewardess when she flirted wif him…twirling her hair and smiling at him… his eyes was always on her and suddenly he treated me nicer. I somehow find that when he is doing something “wrong” he would treat me nicer… That incident wif the air stewardess just made me feel so betrayed. Right in front of me.

    Why do I still hang on…
    I find myself feeling chocked up. I can’t bring myself to tell him – “You know, I feel that this is the end… we can only be friends… I”m sorry. And if you think that you need to be cut off totally from me, I would understand.” Sigh. Why can’t I do it??? I tink Rori’s book said something abt that before… cos I feel that I dun deserve better?? I’m kinda afraid of myself now… afraid of what I will subject myself to… I know I am capable of loving a man like that though I know I deserve better. I have done it before – my last r/s and it torn me apart. I don’t want to do it anymore but at the same time… where is my courage to break this off… I found none.

    As hard as I try not to feel this way… I feel terrible that he is feeling terrible and all by himself. I find myself getting worried wif what I post on FB… what things I would say or post on walls that would potentially hurt him… I know I should not be caring abt his feelings but mine… are we to totally totally ignore their feelings?

    Some background abt him… he got out from a 5 yrs r/s & in the beginning when we found each other online… (It was 7 months after his break up) whenever there’s any hiccups in our r/s …he would tell me he still has a lot to change abt him. Due to his past r/s… it hurt him badly and he is trying not to react and tink that the same thing is happening like his past r/s when some things r said. He also used to hang out wif his grp of frens and they r bad influences… since the break up wif his ex, he stopped hanging out wif them n so now he has no friends. His family live far away and he has no friends but me. He told me I’m his best friend… (somehow..I dun feel connected to him that way…I didnt feel like he was my soul mate). He does his best to take care of him and away from his past & friends… he quit a lot of things incl smoking and I applaud him… I kept encouraging him to move out of that location so he can have a new life… his family said the same thing…

    I dunno what to do… I feel like crawling into my cave and stay there forever and not deal wif this… 🙁

  225.  #225TW on December 2, 2008 at 7:12 am

    Ladies- last night he called me. We talked and he really listened. Now how effective it was I do not know but he asked me could he call me right back and I said sure and he actually called back. Ihad to go to the church for a meeting and we talked until we got there and then he asked me would I call him when I got home and got situated. I waited a long time and called and he did not answer and I left a message. I DID NOT CALL BACK AFTER THAT. HE text me like an hour or two later (he was traveling back to town) and asked me was I still up and I was like yes. he came over and of course you know what went on after that but he spent the night with me. Something he had not done in months and he was still there when I went to work. I tried so hard to use my I FEEL messages and I was honest with him and I did not conduct the conversation. If there were dead spots I let him fill them and I let him decide when he had enough talk time. I am doing better with the lean back thing but I still have a ways to go. He kissed me so passionately last night and he told me that I was on his mind as he was traveling home. Now we all know what was really on his mind. It was “why in the world has she not called me?” We did not get to finish the conversation but now I can see that I can slip the I FEELS in now.

  226.  #226Jen-B on December 2, 2008 at 7:17 am

    Wow~~~ that is so awesome… !
    I feel so happy for you TW :))

  227.  #227TW on December 2, 2008 at 8:30 am

    Thank you. It was definitely time well spent but every day is a challenge. I just really need to focus on me and finding some things out about myself and what makes me happy. He will either have to follow or get off the bus. I love him but he can’t love me if I don’t love myself. we will get it together. LEANING BACK is my problem.

  228.  #228Sarah on December 2, 2008 at 9:13 am

    Rori, can you tell me the shipping cost to UK for ur programs? Also whats the difference in buying CD or DVD?

  229.  #229Jen-B on December 2, 2008 at 9:17 am

    Leaning back definitely works…. it worked when I was there and he responded as well… though little but something did change… I find he lean back a lot… and I discovered I’ve always been initiating… guess I muz be a lady…sit back and wait to be asked to dance. Lol… why does it seem so hard for us ladies to sit back and wait… and enjoy the music… it sure seems like an easy job from the outside… yet we all struggle so much… funny but true…

    Rori ~ ur tools are great. Thanks for sharing and teaching all of us.

    Clara, *hugs* hope u’re feeling better…

    Cathy, I so get the part of strength disappear… I feel that way too… it’s as if their presence has some magic spell… and everything somehow seem ok again.
    But yes… we are conquerors… I want to believe that too.

  230.  #230Cathy S on December 2, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Good Morning, So I downloaded the ebook last night and am excited to work with the workbook. I struggle with anger issues and wanting to talk this moment. I believe I am a conquer, now I have to live it. I know holding on with my fist will not get anywhere and it is not even fair to him.

  231.  #231TW on December 2, 2008 at 9:54 am

    The leaning back is definitely hard but I’m going to try it. The thing is for me to be all about me instead of all about him or trying to be anyway. I’m preparing myself for bigger things. It is all going to come together in the end. I expressed my feelings but not the wants. I’m working on that part

  232.  #232Sherri on December 2, 2008 at 12:15 pm


    Thank you so much for your reply! I was flooded with emotion when I read your response–you’ve so clearly hit the nail on the head.

    The tears are coming as I write this–I want to heal, to open up my heart and let him in. I wish I knew exactly where to start and how to do this. Should I tell him this? How do I let down my defenses and become vulnerable?

    Peace to you all,

  233.  #233TW on December 2, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    You ladies would be pleased to know that although I saw my love interest this morning I have not made any contact with him business or personal and I have made plans for the evening that do not include him…. baby steps

  234.  #234Margaret on December 2, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    Just a thought…I was just sitting here feeling angry…. Angry at myself, at my guy and then angry at myself for being angry and for always being “too emotional”, then I realized that me being “emotional” is not a bad thing in itself. We just use it’s energy as force misdirected, but if we could harness it, control it, that would be power, a woman’s power to create her circumstance. Imagine what good vibes we can create, even more magnetic than less emotional people. I am happy I am emotional…


  235.  #235Sherri on December 2, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Bless you, Margaret.
    The dominant culture has shunned emotion as inferior to reason for a long time–thus, it has devalued women’s power. I couldn’t agree with you more–when we claim our strong emotions and our intuition as valuable we reclaim our feminine power. This is a huge insight that will change the world!
    (I wrote a graduate thesis paper around this theme–using different language)….
    And our “lost” men will claim us too!

  236.  #236Lin on December 2, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    I agree whole he artfully ! I love our emotion !
    I love the fact we are so in tune with our feelings… and our deepest feelings..!! Its us women.. that when felt and express our emotions… teach our men how to feel.. and express their feeling also… if we do this in the in the correct and safe and honest way.. bring our men closer to us… being blank and emotionless… is a boring stepford wife…. !!!
    When I get too emotional… and my man tells me that.. he says I have en ought for the both of us… I say… I become so emotional cause I love you that much.. and feel that deeply and I am willing to show it… would you want it any other way !!
    Hugs to all of us

  237.  #237Clara on December 2, 2008 at 3:11 pm


    It is so soothing to read you all, I needed your inspirational words to lift my spirits up 🙁
    Emotional yes, and intuitive and PROUD of being so, if we are not passionate and willing to show our emotions, ( not the drama as Rori says) then I think we’ll be a step closer to BEING…

    Nate is killing me, I am not following Rori’s tools to bring him back !!!!! I Love my husband, and I love our relationship though it needs lots of working on ( from my side to make his male energy work full power) yet I am being haunted by Nate’s prtesence…

    He is smart?? Intelligent??? huh! If I tell you his I.Q. I would feel like a retard, God !!
    He’s a Graphic designer, A web and portals creator, Flash artist, Song composer/writer and singer, Guitar and flute player, he’s got more diplomas than my right hand fingers and he masters 4 languages French-English – Arabic and Italian ( spoken – written and reading ) and he from time to time use these as a translator/Interpreter to make money GOD DAMMIT !
    INTELLIGENT ??? I AM GOING CRAZY…what does he want from me ????????? Why can’t he Leave me alone ????
    And to Ice my cake he is so freakin’ HANDSOME, Green eyes Black hair, the twin of Hugh Grant ( even more handsome than him ) and he is still messing my whole life and still sending me Feeling messages and I feel so FURIOUS !

    I am so sorry I am unable to really focus on you Ladies, and try to help, I thought maybe reading you and talk it all out would ease my pain, and my fear, my PANIC, I am PANIKING…I thought I have done a good job and here he is again messing up with my LIFE …( sniff and tears )
    I am so scared, I thought he was losing his spell over me, I need more time I know, but I just hate this roller-coaster way of feeling one day strong and not caring and the very next day, totally depressed and crushed because of fear and the yucky feelings of low self-esteem…I hate feeling like this …I tired …and very very depressed …
    I am so Happy for the wonderful news you are sharing with us, yes baby steps, wish I can do it with GIANT ones I need to ….

    All of you Ladies thank you for your presence and words and care….I won’t name names, I love you all… THANK YOU for Making this blog a haven …a shoulder we can all cry on when we need to…..

    Here is story for all of us I would like to share :

    An Old Chinese wisdom!

    An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck.

    One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

    One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

    At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
    For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
    But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

    After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

    “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”

    The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?

    That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.”

    “For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.”

    Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”

    Each of us has his own unique flaw…

    But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

    You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

    To all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers, on your side of the path.

    Take the time to send this message to all your friends Who have a cracked side…
    And God knows how many we are!!!

    With Love and warm hugs to all of you,
    God bless you

  238.  #238TW on December 2, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Ladies I sense a lot of sadness today. I am not down and out today like normal although my love interest did not call or come to see me at work. I will more than likely see him tomorrow. I need all of you ladies to do something for me. I want you all to go and look in the mirror and say “What’s up sexy lady” and put the biggest smile on your face. Last night before he even asked me to come over I put on some lingerie and was laying down watching a movie and then my phone went off with a text. I am loving me all over again. Not because he called but because I was not even worried about it and I went on about my day. Now Clara, I understand your frustration but do not let him flip this and turn it around on you and make yourself feel bad. He can be sexy all day long but you my dear are a goddess with power and that trumps sexy. Now he can send you all the I FEEL messages he wants but you be strong and work past it. You are always so strong for us so I am sending you some strength tonight. Go and take a hot bath and be one with your feelings. If you need to cry then cry, if you need to punch a pillow then punch it. Let it all out and do not keep it bottled in.

    Margaret- Welcome and you have a great group of women to help you and carry you through. I get so excited when I get e mails with comments from the ladies that I barely have time to deal with anything else. They are truly an inspiration. We all have our problems but I tell you these ladies will comment and help you through for as long as you need. Look at all the comments already posted. That is because when one is week you have someone there that is strong to pull you through.

    Lin- I love you girl. That is just all I can say about you right now. Go and be your fabulous self. I am trying so hard to do the tools and lean back. I want it to come natural to me so that he can say WOW she is really not worried about what is goign on with me and she has just gone on with life. Let me snatch her up. I am goign to get there girl. Keep the comments coming.

  239.  #239Cassandra on December 2, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    You guys ROCK! TW…thank you for your encouragement! This place is such a wonderful blessing! I am so glad that you are feeling better TW and Clara…..just remember what you said to all of us….this man is not GOD, he is simply a man and it seems that he is one that likes to play games. You are stronger than you know and you do not need him. Just try to keep focusing on YOU and what makes YOU happy. Love to all….

  240.  #240TW on December 2, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    Cassandra- you know what I realized last night. When he came over we were kissing and I felt so much love for him that I could feel it all over my body and I was like whoa!! Then it hit me, WHY CAN’T I LOVE MYSELF THIS MUCH AND EVEN MORE. Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to love someone else that we forget about loving ourselves at least I did. Yes I feel much better today and I hope and pray that all of my days are like this. I did not hear from him today but you knwo what. It does not bother me because I made plans to keep me busy and I went to the gym today so that I could keep my sexy in tact. Gotta keep that sex appeal going!! 🙂 Anyway, I would have loved to hear from him but I did not pick up my phone to call or text him today and it felt good. Normally there was a business matter that he needed to take care of today and any other day I would have called him and took care of it for him but not today. I was like he needs to take some responsibility for himself because I do not call any other customers with friendly reminders. It felt good and I hope to be able to keep it up. I have a question, do you think it would be okay to tell him “I feel we could be so much more than what we are right now” Last night when I was going through the I feels I did not know if it was okay to say I want to be in a relationship with you that results in marriage or something to that effect because I do not want him to feel pressured or backed in a corner to commit to me. That is the problem we had last time, he felt like I was pressuring him and those were his exact workds. Any insight would help. Yo uknow what I did today and it may sound stupid but it made me laugh so hard. When I got home and took my gym clothes off, I stood in front of the mirror and held my breast in my hands and started dancing and singing Rod Stewart’s “if you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on baby let me know. If you really need me just reach out and touch me” Too funny. I had the biggest grin on my face because I was the source of my happiness. I swear you should try it.

  241.  #241Lin on December 2, 2008 at 7:43 pm

    Oh, Girl I thought so… Nate is a lot to handle..
    How is his heart.? He haunts you.. and he is a carrot in front of you. You said it when you said you LOVE your husband.. wonderful.
    Nate will all his smarts .. and he choose a women with so many problems in stead of a women of his equal…? amazing.. how we react . WE will stick together and we will get though\ this together… and I know you will.
    cause you know the Lord.. and with Him all is possible.. I swear this to you..
    I pray for your comfort.. through this all.

  242.  #242Lin on December 2, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    TW Yes Girl you are really getting the power now… keep it up… and you can turn this around….
    Yes, You can say to him….. ( I said this 3 years ago) I want us to be so much more together
    than we can ever be apart.. I want us to build as a team… and soar together… and he loved it and we did it.. wonderful. baby steps…
    and you are doing well… and I feel you can call him.. but he has to do more of the calling
    and more of the texting… but you can give back also… YOU ROCK NOW

  243.  #243TW on December 2, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    Lin- you are so right and Clara please listen to her. You know in your heart that you love your husband because you said it so many times. Prayer changes things. Get down on your knees and ask god for what you want and be faithful to him. He will definitley hear you and answer your prayers because you are a genuine lady. You are just caught up in a situation most women get themselves in which is clinging to a man that is paying you attention if that is what you are lacking. Be strong. If you are falling apart who is going to be ther for us??? I love you girl!!!

  244.  #244TW on December 2, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    Lin- I have given so much that I jsut want him to give back. I remember the first time we kissed. I was having some issues with my husband (now divorced, separated at the time) and I called him for comfort and just to talk. HE talked me into coming to his house. Mind you we had never had any physical contact other than hugging and we sat outside and talked. We went back in the house and I was looking down at the floor scared to death because I knew something was going to go down but didn’t know what. He put his hand under my chin and pulled my head up until our eyes met and then he leaned down and kissed me. My heart was beating so fast that it almost jumped out of my body. I closed my eyes and when the kiss was over I opened them and our eyes met again and at that moment it was like I knew I wanted to love him for the rest of my life. That was 6 years ago.

  245.  #245Lin on December 2, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    TW , I feel what you just said… I understand
    the power of that kiss..and 6 years later you still remember it…. I know cause I had that same kiss…. with my man…. funny thing is that
    he does not remember it as I did…
    very powerful.. us women to feel that kind of chemistry… I bet it never was like that in your marriage.. either..
    What does it all mean… well, we will find out..
    you are doing so much better… and he is wondering.. whats up with you .. not calling
    not texting to him… he will give you more..
    or he wont… and that ok for now..
    I hope you are ready to date.. and entertain your self cause it could take a while for this guy to completely get it… so be ready to love
    your self and be princess you are.
    I wonderful to love a man.. but he will love us
    as he invests himself with us.. doing things for us.. in many ways….
    I did so much for my guy.. we got him out of debt and into the green.. we did so much.. for him.. an he called it for us…. but untill he moves in with me … I have not seen the results come back to me… so we will see..
    I hope so… but he does not move in this weekend.. I am moving on… little by little..
    moving on… he was here after work.. and he always lightens my sprit.. and I glow.. and when I am with him.. I can climb a mountian..
    I have a great story for another time..
    you be happy… and you have hope and faith
    that all your passions..and desires will be yours… Lin
    live by faith.. not by sight…

  246.  #246TW on December 2, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    The funny thing is Lin tha the does remember. I thank you so much for supporting me. I hope your man is not crazy enough to not move in with you. I would love to move in with my guy. he has asked me jokingly in the past but part of me really thinks he just wanted to see what I would say because he did the same thing and asked me to marry him on the phone while I was at work. I was like whatever. Ask me right. I have never met you but have so much love in myheart for you. I know things will get better but I do date and se eother people. Not in the sexual level but hanging out and stuff but I am not totally opposed to anything right now. I am a single woman you know. I remember back when he would take me to lunch, call me three times a day, want to see me all the time, send me flowers for no reason but all of that just went away. I think he got scared because I left him once and went back to my husband to try to make that work one last time. I think he thinks I will leave him because he said a couple of months ago that I left him. I would never leave him if he would commit.

  247.  #247Clara on December 3, 2008 at 6:42 am

    Lin, TW, Cassandra, all of you ladies, Goddesses,

    Your words are like a soothing balm on my raw wounds !!
    I tried riffing yesterday, and prayed hard for the Lord to help me, crying like a fountain,,,it helped me…yet I feel powerless…and drained!

    Lin, you are asking why a man of such intelligence would pick a woman with problems instead of his match…well remember what Rori says about women capable of getting men without any effort?

    Yes I may have done everything wrong in the past, and she was the “vulnerable” fragile and leaning back type of girl and that works like magnet … But he -too late- realized that he missed and to quote him word for word : ” I have lost a gem that does not happen to pass in a man’s path in a lifetime!!”
    Yeah that what he told me in his first email after 10 years…
    yesterday he left a message on my answering machine, telling me that he misses me, that he is sorry, that he is in pain, totally depressed, ( and brace yourselves ladies ) he is trying hard to DISCONNECT from his wife, he thinks that he was blinded by the appearances, and he told me that she too cheated on him with 3 men…

    What am I supposed to do now ??? I thank God my husband wasn’t home yet to hear this message, it is one thing to know about Nate from me, and totally a different other to HEAR HIM trying to woo his wife.

    I am much calmer than yesterday, and yes he is just a man, neither God nor my savior, ( if not my curse!) but you know ladies…you Lin and TW talked about the first kiss !!
    Well Let me tell you about my First kiss with Nate … you won’t believe it …. and it was in 1993 yep Ironically i still remember it better than my first kiss with Rick my husband …what this tells me ??? I am so frustrated…back to the kiss

    We went out for dinner, he came picked me up, we had a beautiful dinner at an Italian Restaurant ( his favorite cuisine) it was absolutely marvellous, we talked and talked about everything and time flew …
    On the way back he stopped the car near a small beach, I took my shoesd off and walked on the sand to the water edge, it was summer …there was no moon ( thank God I should say ….lol -hysterical one -) but plenty of stars, he followed me without taking his expensive leather shoes, ( he is very sophisticated in that sense ) and suddenly I felt his arms wrapping me and pulling me gently to his chest, my back felt burning touching his body, his hands were gentle and light, and he did not try to touch me intimately just hugging me to make me feel warm and safe, and we stood for like 5 minutes like this, I can still smell his “Armani” perfume….caressing my nostrils…then something made me turn around to face him, in the circle of his arms, our eyes locked, ( my stomach is churning now…just like then) I still could see how slowly he bent his head and kissed me lightly very softly on my lips …then the kiss got deeper….his hands teightened around me pulling me gently to his body….and when the kiss was over after God knows how much time elapsed, and suddenly both of us felt the water of the wave that crashed on teh beach wetting our feet, I opened my eyes into his, our eyes locked, his green eyes glowed like emeralds, his breath was fast and his tone of voice husky, we smiled, he did not care about the salty water or his shoes or pants, he was totally into me, I could have touched his vibes, as he would have mine, it was magical, at that moment I knew that this man would be tattooed in my heart forever, he hugged me and kissed my forehead and whispered …”come …I will take you home “…

    That was the movie stuff kiss I had with Nate, and this communication continued for like 6-7 months, and of course he did all the leaning forward, until …..we broke up and then he came back then broke up again he got married came back again 10 years passed and HE IS BACK AGAIN ….And I am struggling…I do not want to feel the excruciating pain i felt everytime….and I am so scared….and weak!
    See now why it is hard for me to not be haunted by him, he never really hurt me directly, but it was me who was living maybe in an imaginary relationship? but no …he came back many times to me, so …I am not imagining all of it…some is true…
    IT IS A NIGHTMARE I am living in right now, and there’s God who is my support and you ladies, I cannot rely on Rick for help, I would feel like I am cheating on him, and this I cannot tolerate,I would rather die, I need to do this by myself, with God’s and your Help, and thanks for Rori who created this Blog, I am trying hard …maybe I shouldn’t try this HARD????
    I should Let Go of my fear and of my memories…but how…I am trying to crowed him, and busy myself the whole day long…sometimes it works sometimes not,
    I guess I should do like TW Get Naked and dance on Rod Stewart Song 🙂 and Tell him ” Hey Idiot…Look what you’ve missed ! I am sexy and Lovely and Intelligent and my I.Q. is higher than yours and I what’s more I AM A WOMAN, I am THE REFINED product while you are the RAW MATERIEL …NO aren’t men the rough sheet and we the BEAUTIFUL CHISELLED DIAMONDS …God knows that the world without women would have been a dreary dull chaotic place wouldn’t it ?”

    YET … There’s a sadness so deep in me so deep I need to let it surface…my stranger is still refusing to go out from her cave…she steps into the entrance then cowards back to the damp and chilly darkness inside ….

    God bless you all
    Love and warm hugs

  248.  #248Samantha on December 3, 2008 at 7:19 am

    Hi Rori, Last night while my man was showering I did something that I am not proud of doing, I looked through my boyfriends cell phone without him knowing… I had been suspecting that he had been text messaging someone, seeing as he is always online talking to mainly girls on MSN. I dont know these girls, he tells me there people from our old town that he knows etc. But why the hell are they messaging him so many times and talking on msn all the time??!!!! He even brings his lap top to work with him (He works in a car garage? strange) I find that unsettling… So last night when I looked through his phone, I saw messages from other girls, and the way the messages were had little smily faces in them 🙂 & she was telling him to be careful driving because the weather is bad (and basically messaging him messages that a girlfriend would- as she would worry about him) Which are messages that we used to send to one another.. Flirty messages you could call it… When I saw those messages, my heart pounded so fast, I began breathing different.. I was so angry and scared that he is looking for other women, to be with or even just fill in a need to be given attention from another woman-
    I tried my best at not reacting to him like I normally may have – and I walked around the apartment, took some deep breaths started my computer, and began to read Christian Carter and Rori Rayes E-books- I tried making myself calm down… I began having stupid thoughts, so I decided to try and add her to my profile of friends, to basically check her out…My curiosity was killing me.. and my heart could have poped out of my chest – I decided to go into our room, ask him If there was ever someone else or someone he wa interested in being with that I would appreciate him to tell me and not leave me strung along – I told him in my realtionship I dont want to go through that kind of stuff, and to just let meknow if he has been having interest in other girls- He got very defensive and asked me what my source was and I told him that I dishonestly looked through his cell phone while he was in the shower.. and of course there is not much to say by that point but he told me now that they all have boyfriends (like that matters, they can still be flirtatious) I asked him does he flirt with her? and he said no, but I really dont beleive him at this point….
    He began to tell me that I make him not want to be with me, that I make him unattracted to me (Not looks wise or body) but because of my “bullshit” that he doesnt deal with – and because I dont listen to him is what hurts him the most… I just feel like I dont know how to get him to see that I can and will be a better listener- because I guess that requires him talking to me for me to be able to listen to him- but if hes distant from me and not talking to me, how am I suppose to show him I can listen to him and be a better partner…?
    I want to be with this man very much- I do not like the MSN conversations that he has or text messaging he does with these girls – (Oh and the girl declined me adding her) Pretty strange for a girl with a boyfriend whos not at all interested in my boyfriend- Stupid bitch,,,, OMG pardon my language, but I am so upset with him I could go nuts!
    Please Help,,,

  249.  #249Lin on December 3, 2008 at 9:00 am

    I feel every word and every feeling you are going through… if you go over your letter
    you will see the solution.. you said it all.
    Yes, you are working too hard !!!

    Yes, Nate is still deeply connected to his wife.
    maybe as you are still connected to him.

    His wife leans back completely.. and even see other men.! How ever probably keeps giving Nate just enough crumbs to keep him hooked.

    You can let go… and let GOD heal you right now.. only if you really really deeply want to make your life right.. and free your emotionally
    from being prisoned by your own emotion.
    Once you pray with all your heart with tears.
    begging God to release this hold on you..
    you will feel it gone.. and in its place will be such freedom and joy like you have never known.. you will be jumping up and down.
    and the next time Nate contacts you… you will be able to see through it all… and you will feel nothing but distaste for him and what he is still doing.. but he will not have a hold on you.. and you dont have to try hard to resist.. it will be done as you prayed for…

    I speak of this.. because this happened to me
    in 1980’s. in a 8 year relationship.

    You can do this simply because you are married. And you know its wrong to be loving another man.. no matter what. So you beg God to help you live right according to His Word.
    I know the pain you are in.. and how you want to be in peace. Also Clara… this will not stop
    Nate from wanting to talk to you… he will want you more.. and more.. but he will not have the same effect on you…. you will be bord !!

    This is a miracle.. and God knows our hearts.
    Believe it..
    No one judges we all all connected !
    We all love you here !

  250.  #250TW on December 3, 2008 at 10:04 am

    what exactly does leaning back mean? I’m confused. does that mean you can not initiate contact or does it mean not to try so hard.

  251.  #251Margaret on December 3, 2008 at 10:07 am

    Hey guys,

    Just an uplifting video about getting up…



  252.  #252Clara on December 3, 2008 at 10:17 am

    Lin, Lin…
    What Can I say to express my gratitude for the care and love you are showing us all…you are a “Lady of Substance” and I am so ever grateful to you and to all of the Ladies here and Rori…
    Without your presence in my life now, I would be totally devastated…
    Yes you may be right, but there are some facts in this past of mine that hints otherwise…

    There’s an important fact that may be playing also a huge role in this connection between me and Nate…

    I never had pre-marital sexual affairs, I even married my husband still a virgin at age 38, yes absolutely unbelievable these days, but it was by choice and conviction, I wanted to save myself for my Love and the man I will be marrying…

    I always was a loner, having my eyes and nose burried in books and studying, I was the type of girl who wanted to achieve something in her life…so I was always interested in men on teh intellectual level…

    I had a serious relationship before Nate at age 21 with a very nice person but due to work circumstances he had to immigrate for good to France and since I couldn’t follow we broke up and this was painful…

    Then a friend of mine introduced me to Nate and since the first meeting something clicked between us…and it started to evolve until that Christmas night…after a whole year of pure platonic friendship ( but I think I was head over heels already in love with him )

    That night was the first time ( at age 27 !!) that I layed totally naked with a man, the 1st time I saw up close and personal a naked man, we cuddled, we caressed nothing of the usual intercourse happened, just being together, and he was so tender and understanding, so soft and supportive, he told me that he knew “intuitively” that I hadn’t had any experience, and this is a treasure I need to keep and he admires me for it…and that he is honoured by my trust…he was like a my mentor…yet in the same time a real virile man, all in respect to his partner with all the chevalry of lost ages,The kind which you just can’t but fall for…

    I am afraid that I have committed not only my heart to him at that moment but my soul, I felt Like I was spiritually marrying him…and here is the knot of my whole nightmare… I feel like HE is my husband somehow… it is an awful awful feeling….especially when I am married to a wonderful beautiful amazing man like Rick, and what is more shocking to me is I LOVE my husband !!

    He is not talking about his wife anymore the way he used to, and no is not hooked with her anymore, not like before that I am sure of, he is only there for teh sake of his daughter, he told me that his kid is his life now, he does not care what his wife is doing, he tried hard and she is just a hopeless case, and her doctor therapist told him he should not feel guilty because of her sitaution and sickness…

    Yes I have God to turn to, and the Lord helped me so manytimes, especially after my suicide attempt years ago, but I guess now you know, it is not only emotional…it has a lot to do with the spiritual level too, we had so many spooky experiences of telepathy, it is like we were meant to live together yet apart …

    It is like There’s a curse or a benediction to have such kind of love in one’s life yet not being able to enjoy it…or live it!!

    Maybe it is me, or fate or destiny, or him, or …I don’t want to think…I am so tired of thinking and somehow of feeling…I am not finding it in my heart now to pray this intensily, but I am asking the Lord to be with me every minute of every day… I need to find this lost key to unlock my chains…chains around my heart, heavy and cold…. I feel so sad …so sad…. so self-disappointed …
    yes yes I know should not beat my self up, working hard I won’t anymore… I feel the best thing now is go and have a bubble bath with relaxing aromatherapy salts and lit candles all around …I feel I need to just close my eyes and forget about everything for just one minute 1 one single minute ….

    I love you and hug you tight Lin thank you for listening and caring
    God Bless you dear
    with Love and warm hugs

  253.  #253Margaret on December 3, 2008 at 10:22 am

    Not sure if that link worked here is another:

    Kudos, enjoy your day! Be surprised!


  254.  #254Lin on December 3, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Leaning back means: female energy…
    we accept their calls.. we accept what they do for us..
    the male does the calling to you.
    the male rows the relationship boat
    the male make the plans..
    the male comes after you to win your love.
    the male buys you flowers..
    and you just lean back: and accept all the joy and love this man wants to give you..
    you are leading back… and enjoying the man
    coming after you.
    You can give back… with feminine energy
    however always allow him to give more.
    this way.. its all his idea.. and he is building
    an investment of his time and energy and money into you.. to make the relationship he wants…. and we know.. the saying..
    you only get out of something what you put into it.. so as women.. we have to allow the man to invest into us.. before we invest any more into him…
    when we invest too much ( as we all have)
    and then he does not give back.. we become
    angry.. and then the man feels unsafe with us
    and backs off. so to avoid all that…
    as ladies…. we lean back and allow them the men to invest in us.. and invest more and more. And if he is not calling us.. and taking us out.. etc… we can be meeting other guys dating.. dancing dinning and that guy just might lose us… ? So does that make sense to you.. ? I feel that’s why we love these guys so much… first it starts with the kiss !! and then
    they win us over… wonderful and then we invest so much into so much for them
    and they get bored… and then we find Rori !!
    and each other.. to turn it around.
    wow, but its not easy.. !!
    TW- keep up the good work. and stay away from the cell… in fact.. next to his name in the cell… put stop! incase you go for it.. !!
    put a glass of water somewhere where you can see it.. and let the water evaperate.. and just know .. if you dont call him .. and you are feeling pain.. just know when the water is gone
    from the glass.. you will feel better by then.
    He has to come to you… and then you accept him so nicely and softy.. and you talk in feeling
    messages…. allway nice.. and always safe for him… again. Make plans to go out with friends
    join a class.. to go the movies…do the things you want to do.. with out him
    ok… it will get easier.. as time goes by.
    Love you,

  255.  #255Clara on December 3, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Thank you very,yes I have seen many clips about Nick Vujicic and everytime I cry…he is a Miracle shown to us by the Lord ….He is most PERFECT !!

    Thank you for sharing this and reminding us…we are so blessed yet we whine like kids sometimes 🙂

    God Bless you
    With Love and warm hugs

  256.  #256TW on December 3, 2008 at 11:13 am

    Lin- Sometimes I have to contact him because of things that need to be taken care of. Not so much on the emotional end but his name is on some of my stuff so I have to update signatures and therefor have to call him in order to get him to go by and take care of it. I do not do the calling after hours though and I have not invited him to do anything with me. I am trying but I have been so occupied with stuff that I have not had the time. You know how that is. I get what you are saying though. I do go out with other men so I am good in that area. There are times when I wish he would pick up the phone and invite me somewhere but whatever. He is missing out on me not the other way around. Love you ladies.

    Clara- girl pick yourself up and dust yourself off. GET IT TOGETHER. Breathe and be your sweet normal self. Your husband loves you and although you are attached to another man you need to pray and ask God to remove it for you. He is an awesome God and forgiving but you need to forgive yourself. Ask him for strenght. I love you and I hate to see you in this kind of rut but always remember God will take you through the bad to get to your good and there is not a testimony without a test. Dry your eyes, get naked, and dance!! 🙂

  257.  #257Lin on December 3, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Thank you for sharing all of that.. information.
    I see myself in you also… I see that we feel so deeply… and I never heard another women say
    you married him in your heart and soul.
    I did that also… when makes me wonder how many other women here has done that also.
    I to saved my self for marriage.. and just hold
    that so so special… to give away…
    I dont have time to go though everything right now.. however .. you just are not ready to be free.. of Nate.. not yet… and thats OK..
    your beautiful just like you are

  258.  #258TW on December 3, 2008 at 3:41 pm

    How was everyone’s day? Mine was great but long. There was so much for me to do at work so I needed a little more time to get it all in. I think it is a good thing though but at 7 I am going to bible study and then that will be it for me for the night in addition to coming and talking to you all. I have had thoughts of my man all day long. We have been textingall day. Notice I said MY MAN in that sentence because that is what I want him to be. Has anyone read Christian Carter’s e book? I saw Rori and someone else on the blog mention him. I get his e mails but have not ordered his e book.

  259.  #259Lin on December 3, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    I am also going to bible study at 6:30
    and dinner now… Yes.. Christian Carter’s e book is great.. I have it and love it also.
    Have a great night.

  260.  #260Cathy S on December 3, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    Margaret you are so cute. Yes our emotions can be channeled into a positive thing. That is definitely what makes us women. The key for me is learning how to communicate my emotions in a healthy way. Lin you said it perfectly.

    TW I am proud of you for being strong and courageous. You are so much like me. I am reading the progress you are making. This excites me.

    Sherri it would be amazing to read your thesis.

    Clara that Chinese wisdom story couldn’t be more perfect.

    Ladies last night I took time off for myself. I read the Ebook “Have the Relationship You Want” and did some of the assignments. I hung out with my puppy and I went to bed early. I woke up this morning feeling powerful. I had an illustration come up in my head about the cliching our fist thingy. I remembered the movie “Multiplicity” with Michael Keaton in it and how he cloned himself so that he could have more time for himself. Well when he cloned himself the three clones did not come out exactly as himself…one was a retard….another one was a womanizer…..and the last one was too brainy to even get any work done. Well I imagined trying to control my man so much that once I get him what if he turns out to be one of those three not exactly what I want. So this thought encouraged me to put more power into ME!

  261.  #261TW on December 3, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Cathy S- I am trying so hard to do better in my life for me. If he wants to come along for the ride then he can but if not then what can I do? he is a great person and a great father figure for my boys. He takes very good care of them. Even when I was in relationships with other people or vice versa he always made sure that WE were taken care of. I jsut went postal on him a couple of months ago and he felt as though I was pressuring him to be with me and I was but you know how we get when we want something and I just did not know how to handle it. I would love to marry him one day. I know in order to be better for a relationship I need to be better for myself. I need to first fall in love with me. I love all of you ladies so much and I cherish every time I get a response in the email especially one of success. I want everyone here to heal and be happy but it is goign to take some time and patience on our parts.

  262.  #262TW on December 4, 2008 at 10:34 am

    How are you ladies today? I’m doing great. no phone calls no text. I’m going to order Christian Carters e book tonight and read it.

  263.  #263Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 10:47 am

    TW…this is someting HUGE to celebrate! I think that you should do something really great for yourself to celebrate your strenth and growth! …a manicure? A pedicure? I massage perhaps? Do something for YOU to celebrate your strength! I am so happy for you! 🙂 I actually have Christian Carter’s ebook. I liked it but I I personally love the way that Rori teaches and shares her experiences. For me….it is her methods/ ways/ tools and experiences that have been able to really help me…of course i have a long long way to go but I do feel so much better than I did and I also think that Rori teaches us way more about ourselves and how and why we REALLY need to love ourselves completely and even how to get there than any other ebook or program out there. I would still get Christian Carter’s but I relate more to Rori’s methods. Good luck though and enjoy!
    Love and hugs to you…

  264.  #264TW on December 4, 2008 at 11:00 am

    Cassandra- Question? We are having a Christmas party for work and the invitation is for me and a guest but is it okay for me to ask him since it is a function for me? I do not know how to handle that one. Since it is a function that I was invited too I can not expect him to ask me if he can come.

  265.  #265TW on December 4, 2008 at 11:29 am

    I think I am going to buy myself something in order to get over the hump. I thing Christian Carter’s book would be great because it will give stuff from the male perspective and Rori tells us what we need to do from a female standpoint but I have no ordered it you so I do not know. Anyway, I have several Christmas parties to attend (business functions of course) but I would like to take a date to at least one of them. I can not for the life of me figure out what I am going to wear to any of them. I am clueless. Something sexy but sophisticated. I am on my way back to work but I will respond to any messages when I get there.

  266.  #266Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    TW….I am so happy to hear that you are going to buy yourself something special! If I was where you are I would take you shopping! 🙂 I would definitely order Christian Carter’s ebook because you can use it to go along with Rori’s programs. I think that is a great thing!

    As far as asking your man to go to the party with you I don’t see anything wrong with that but I would definitely ask Rori about that because I am not sure about it in that you would be leaning forward….although as you said how can he ask you when they are your parties! If you do ask him though I would do it in a feeling message….’you know, I have been invited to this Christmas party that I am really excited about and it would feel so great to have you there with me…what do you think?”. I would totally ask Rori though about even asking him to accompany you. I hope you find yourself a beautiful LBD that is sexy as heck!!! 🙂
    Love and hugs..

  267.  #267Cathy S on December 4, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Clara, wow thanks for opening up and sharing. I can only imagine that you truly never got over Nate. They say the first is always the hardest to get over and I feel when we are older it’s seems that much harder. Somehow wishing the one we gave our bodies to would truly feel the worthiness of our purity. I believe your healing from Nate is coming. I think because of being so in tuned to God and his direction for us in our lives that we forget about our emotions over a man and tend to block them out and know that God can heal us which in reality God does want to heal us but with us getting into our emotions and understand why our emotions come up.
    Oh TW, you are so right about healing. It is not only understanding where our emotions come from but also the patience to allow for the process it takes to heal. Like a cut on our bodies sometimes they heal quick other times it takes a little longer for them to heal but eventually they heal. Love is truly wonderful especially when it is with someone you love and respect then to truly see the whole picture instead of what we are all obsessed about is freedom.
    About Christian Carters Book, I went off of what the emails were giving me, if I gained insight I began to read more and that is why I chose Rori’s because she helped me gain more insight on how I wanted to heal. However each person is individual made and what works for me might not work for another.
    Cassandra, you are so beautiful. I love your ideas of going out shopping, even you Clara doing something special for ourselves like a pedicure manicure. Gosh, Rori do you ever coordinate cruises or something? That truly would be great.
    So last night was the first night in a while that I actually had a full conversation without getting mad with Jr. I feel so free and not so uptight. There was a point when he mentioned a similarity that me and another girl is going thru but I just let it roll off like it didn’t not bother me that he saw a similarity in me and another girl. I would usually get mad at him and tell him not to compare me with anyone else and then even start saying your dating her aren’t you? Then today I ran into an old friend and he said I looked great and that he could feel all the positive energy flowing off of me. I was just in awe. Rori’s tools truly work!!

  268.  #268Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    Cathy…I am so happy for you! I am so glad that you are in such a wonderful place. Even people on the outside can see your light! Keep on focusing on YOU and what makes YOU feel good and happy!!! You’re doing great!
    Love and hugs to all ….
    ps….thanks for the compliments too!! 🙂

  269.  #269Clara on December 4, 2008 at 3:28 pm

    Lin, TW, Cassandra, Cathy S, Marguerite, everyone,

    Thank you so much for your support, you inspirational words, and your kindness. I think my crisis is on the verge of being over, yesterday I was praying and crying, and after I tried riffing and decided, it is all right if he wants to continue sending me emails, I hate feeling weak, but it is ok, what not kills me makes me stronger.

    I am loving myself, and I shall not beat myself up over anything, it is not my fault, I am not judging myself anymore, I am not responsible for what is happening, for what HE is doing, am I ??? No, If he wants to hope for anything, let him do that, I am not his mother neither his wife, ( though deep somewhere there’s this bitter lump at the mention of this word) but it is OKAY it will pass. I am not cheating on my husband, I Love him and I shall love myself as much…

    I will not let my past intrude on my present, If Nate loved me, or he is discovering now that he loves me, well it is now too late,( another lump I swallow ) but it is also all right, I know that I am lovable no ??? lol 🙂

    Yes it is all about this spiritual connection! I wanted really to be just friends with him, but I know deep inside that this is impossible, and I am not the kind to fool myself by false dreams or hopes, no we can never be friends, this link, a bond, and chemistry between us is so strong to turn it into something that isn’t…and will never be….we would be fooling ourselves first…illusions never work…

    So I know I need to just ignore him as much as I can, expecting that this might draw him even closer, Rori’s tools proved it to me, and of course to all of you, this will make him more insistent than ever,( I know him when he’s stubborn and wanting something….) again I am afraid of relapses, but if I do not try to liberate myself, I will never be free …so it is so obvious what I need to do… just continue with Rori’s tools, and be with you all Ladies whom I Love and want to help, and share everything with, whether tears or smiles, and I am praying for all of us, that God would be always pushing us forward in the path HE has chosen for all of us, and our Lord’s will for us is Happiness, health and love…

    Yeah I need to shape up, and dust off , and INFLATE my self-esteem, that is funny for I always thought that being humble is a vertue, well heck!! Sometimes it is much better to be arrogant than being cruelly abused …or taken for a ride …in the illusions land!

    TW, I am so glad for your progress this is awesome, go girl and buy one heck of a dress, and DO the whole “ Goddess treatment” pedicure, manicure and if you can afford a professional make up artist, for your evening out DO IT, be Gorgeous as you really are, HIDE NOTHING and make his Heart beats fast and his stomach churns, put your Siren spell on him and sweep him into your magical feminine land of Love 🙂 and let him wreck his ship on your shores …:)

    Cathy S, It is awesome that you are now able to control your impulses and your anger, Rori is great and I am so happy for you, may God be with you all the way to complete this wonderful journey into yourself thus to be able to make place for your man when he WILL come to you…you deserve love, and surely he will know the treasure that you are!

    Cassandra what is happening with you sweet lady? Hopedfully you are feeling and doing better??? please fill us in on your news, what is happening with your man ? is he leaning forward ? have you found a job ?

    Lin …words fail me when I think how alike we are and how much I appreciate your knowledge and experience…has he moved in yet ? or what ?
    I thank you for understanding my spiritual link and marriage whether it is true or not …for me it was a reality that still lives…and I am afraid it is time to apply for divorce 🙂
    Thank you all for your help and support Gorgeous and beautiful ladies
    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you

  270.  #270TW on December 4, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    Hello ladies- Thank you all for your wonderful comments. It is so hard to not call and think about him and stuff but I know in the end it will be better for me to no always think about putting someone else first and to think about myself sometimes. Every day is a struggle. I guess that is they he has grown so comfortable with not being around me for long periods of time because I always let him back in and jsut allowed things to progress without commitment. I am still in debate about Christian Carters e book but I did see Rori on his website so if she trust him and thinks he is good enough to do a video with him then I should assume he is okay. I get the emails but they gibe you jsut enough to keep you wanting more without actually telling you how to get it. That is why I was thinking about getting the book to go along with Rori’s. Anyway, Clara, I am so glad that you are feeling better today. You are such a beautiful person and God will grant you your prayer because you want to do better and I believe that you will. Do not let Nate stand in your way of you and your husband. He jsut wants what he can’t hav elike most people. When you were available then he was not intersted but now that you are not giving him the attention he needs and is accustomed to having from you then he is all about Clara now. Imagine that!! Too late buddy!!!

  271.  #271Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    Clara…Thanks for asking and I am glad that you are feeling better today. You WILL make it through this and on the other side of it all you will look back and be in awe of how far you have come! Keep focusing on YOU! Thanks for asking about what’s been up with me. I have been posting alot on the more recent posts. Charles has been entorely different top the degreet that I have been feeling as though I have the man that I fell in love with back and that has been so wonderful. Still alot of fear in trusting it though after everything that he has done but I am trying to stay positive and hope that it is real and for the long-term. I have had some odd things happen in these last few days and it’s too much to go into all over again but it is on the post that Rori put up today mostly good things but I have received some bad news regarding my health. I foundout on Monday that I have cancer. I know that I will beat this and for some reason I know that for sure. I have my biopsy tomorrow morning to find out how advanced it is. I will keep you posted though. Thanks Clara for checking on me and know that I love you and am so proud of how far you have already come.

  272.  #272TW on December 4, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    Cassandra- I am so sorry to hear that. I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers. I know it will be hard but keep a positive attitude. My love interest had cancer as well and I met him when it came out of remission but I can say that was 6 years ago and he is do healthy and I can say that he had an attitude of champions about it and pulled through just fine. I love you!!!

  273.  #273Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    TW…thank you for your love, support and words of encouragement. It means so much to me as do each of you here. You know, I am not sure what it is…perhaps the Holy Spirit? but I do know that I know that I know that I WILL beat this thing. Charles even said to me earlier this evening that we are not going to speak of the cancer as though it has life but as though I have already beaten it and I loved that. I will find out in the morning how far advanced it is but I am hoping that it is not too far so that I can still have a child as that is my dream…if you go to the post that Rori put up today there is more there that I have posted with more details about other things going on.

    I am so so so happy for you that you are staying strong TW. I know it is hard but think of it this way…this is for YOU and you are being true to YOU in doing this. I can’t wai to hear about that beautiful dress and the things that you are doing for you….you deserve them! I do love you too.

  274.  #274TW on December 4, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Well I bought a black halter dress and it is really cute. Enough about me, I am going to read your post in a minute but you are going to be able to have children. Don’t worry about anything other than being your beautiful self and enjoying life. When you go to the doctor go in like you have licked this thing already because you have some prayer warriors behind you and we are going to pray that cancer away. Like I said there is no testimony without a test and I am going to be so excited when you post that you are cancer free and pregnant.

  275.  #275Margaret on December 4, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    Hey Ladies,

    I’m new here and trying to follow everyone’s story…so bear with me. TW- A black halter – definitely a freakum dress. Don’t just enjoy the night but the process of making yourself beautiful. While your getting your nails and feet done, don’t think about if he’ll notice or if he’ll think your beautiful but how YOU FEEL and will FEEL even if no one notices… and if your wanna really go all and have some fun get some fake lashes 🙂 and you need some stilettos to top it all off Red if you dare…

    Cassandra… Cancer no longer means what it meant in times gone. But it is a fight, I have a friend who is fighting now with stage 4 and she knows so much about it that SHE tells her doctor what she will and won’t do. So when you find out more I will be on the case. XOXO

    Clara – so full of clarity ( couldn’t help it ) I love your expressions – even through your pain. You are so brave and vunerable, so totally feminine. I don’t know your full story but I was just wondering what you come up with when you trace your feelings, is there guilt, the excitment your body feels remembering times gone, is it a coulda, woulda, shoulda? Is it like the your dream coming true, when you wanted him to call you to want you for those very many years and now you can’t satisfy your curiosity to know if he is for real?

    I was taking a soak and pouring water over me, imagining I was painting myself with love 🙂 ( I love doing that) and I just started crying, for some odd reason I had severe feelings of abandonment, I remembered my parents fighting late at night time outside as I worried if my mother was going to be home in the morning or if she would be gone…. I remembered seeing my father beat my mother when I was eight as I stood by helpless and I promised myself that night that I would never EVER make myself so vunerable that someone would have the power to do that to me. I have carried that somewhere in me for so long. I pushed a man that wanted to do nothing but love me away. But, I am realizing through Rori that I CAN let someone love me because I love and trust myself. I am no longer a helpless child so I can drop the outer shell and be strong inside that’s why I have to love myself. I have fought my way out of depression. I have felt (feel) for so long that I was just spinning in a cycle getting no where, but now I realize that I wasn’t spinning I was spiraling. There is a difference, spinning is 2 dimensional you really are going nowhere, but spiraling, now that’s 3 dimensional, even though you are going around the same point over and over again, you are actually getting higher and higher, even though you may not realize it! I love that thought…

    In the past couple months I’ve lost 25 pds and learned to love ME a whole lot, I’m trying to stop being general manager of the universe and feeling responsible/guilty for my family’s problems… and girls it’s so true men do notice when you love yourself, instead of thinking about him I pour all of it back on me. I’m going to celebrate me tomorrow by laying in the sun (BTW I live in the tropics- don’t be jealous 🙂 ) Celebrate with me dance naked 🙂 have a tropical drink, play an instrument… live in YOUR moment….

    Wow! I think that was a screenfull!!

    BTW – I love Christian Carter’s work, but to me for his angle to work – by his own admission – a woman has to already have there emotions under control to some degree. Rori’s provides more how-to as far as dealing with the “upsets” and feelings, she deals more with the psyche. But, his insight is wonderful , just depends on how much you have to invest.

    So happy to share this moment with you


  276.  #276TW on December 5, 2008 at 4:19 am

    Margaret- girl I am glad you are here to share support and get support from all of us. Your post was so sweet. When my guy came to visit me on Monday I have a cute pair of red hills in the floor and he was like were those your weekend shoes. Normally I would have gone into detail about why they were there but I simply said, I wear hills every day. He was trying ot see if I went out with someone. If he is so jealous then I wonder why it is so hard for him to make a commitment to me and stick with it. We have always had a connection the past 7 years I have known him. We date other people and get right back. Never lose contact. When I am with another guy he tries his best to be a distraction for me but the last relationship I was in I did not let him do that because I really liked the gu but that is over and has been for the past 7 months. He even went to the extreme of calling me at work with the will you marry me and stuff. It was crazy. I knew he didn’t mean it because he asked me over the phone. He was just trying to pull me away as normal and he was seeing someone else at the time. Imagine that. I just want for him to sweep me off my feet again and love me like he once did. Girl, I have the hills, the sexy lingerie to go under, the makeup, nails, and pedicure all ready to go. The other night when he came over I wore a RED nightie and he was all over me from the time we hit my bedroom. It was crazy. he kissed me like he would never get to kiss me again. I am trying to get that on a permanant basis.

  277.  #277Clara on December 5, 2008 at 9:02 am

    Cassandra- I am so terribly sorry to hear this news. you are in my prayers, and the Lord is your Protection.
    Do not worry and yes you will beat this sickness, you see I had a pancreas tumer at age 28 ( very rare case that was rated 48th worlwide !!) and yet here I am doing fine, after a surgery of 9 hours and a half, all I did is delivered and surrendered my health to God, I prayed ” My Lord, you are my Master Life and light, you are the one to give me my health and everything that was, is and will be, if you want my health back I gladly give it to you, and if you don’t it is in your hand and only you knows what to do…THY WILL BE DONE” 🙂

    Cassandra I am happy for your high spirits, That is another proof of your COURAGE, also I am very glad to know that Charles is slowly but STEADILY and SURELY is going back to his senses and realizing that his GOOD LUCK won’t bring him A LADY a Goddess such as YOU 🙂

    May God be with you , protect you and Give you all the strength, faith and May he send his healing angels to be with you at all times 🙂

    with my deepest positive thoughts,
    and all the prayers
    Love and hugs to you

  278.  #278Clara on December 5, 2008 at 9:16 am

    Thank you for sharing with us your experience and your knowledge, and especially your support, I hope I could do the same in any way possible.
    Thanks you also for your lovely words, and yes somehow you are right and you hit the nail on teh head it was a bit kinda coulda, woulda, shoulda,
    well you can read my story hear in this thread, just read the earlier post and you will find mine ( I warn you though it is a long one 🙂 it stretches over 16 years so …do not say I did not tell you 🙂 )

    I am doing much better compared to the nightmare I was living before getting Rori’s tools, she is awesome! and I intend to ask Santa for another program this one I will use to ciment my marriage and do all the right things for me and for my beloved husband 🙂

    I know it is a long path to cross, but perseverance and faith, but mostly LOVE is what I need to let my stranger out, to give her enough security and trust, to accept leaving her cave…

    I will not give up not after all of those years, this I promised myself, and I am the type of woman who keeps her promise NO MATTER WHAT 🙂

    I have decided to take a Love bath rather than bubble bath everyday and soak my body and soul in my own LOVE warmth and turn my fear into a bad memory my sadness into a step forward and my anxiety into happiness, and it is easy as long as I LOVE myself ….

    And with your heklp ladies 🙂
    Love you all
    Big hug and warm wishes to all of you
    God Bless you all

  279.  #279Clara on December 5, 2008 at 9:25 am

    I just Love reading you 🙂
    You give me hope, and a shot of adrenaline goes through my veins everytime I feel your exuberant positive vibes leaking through your lines directly to my spirits 🙂
    Oh thank you so much:)
    And Girl I want to hear everything about everything …you know what I mean 🙂
    Oh Siren TW Go break some hearts, and especially especially Make him fall under your spell…
    He will be thanking his lucky star..later on …
    Have you downloaded Christian Carter’s e-Book?
    and what do you think of it? Could it help me in my situation also ????
    I am intending on getting all of Rori’s program’s one after the other, because I think they complete one another in many ways…

    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you

    PS. Is Lin posting somewhere else ? has anyone read Lin lately??? Hope she is all right .

  280.  #280Lin on December 5, 2008 at 11:12 am

    Clara !
    I am here… reading each and every post !

    I am working hard.. as I sell and I am paid only commission.. and its a rough time right now.
    I am putting out fires everywhere ! And trying to get paid. for all my efforts.!!

    My heart goes out to you.. you feel so so deeply about Nate..and your connection.
    so deeply that you attempted suicide.. a long while ago,,, I just wonder if you should not get one on one help also with this.. deep connection you and Nate has. or maybe can Nate and you go together in counseling..? .

    You are so brilliant ! you know so much… and yet this has such a hold on feel you can handle this.. as it is.. ?

    I feel you do know what a source of joy you are for many people.. in your life. Your a giver
    and also to us here..!!

    My boyfriend says he wants us to live together
    so he is moving in with me tomorrow.. so
    I will see if that happens… as I feel I am the lowest I have been as business is so bad. I really am holding my breath.. to see if it happens…. afraid if he does not… how disappointed I will be. He works such long hours.. and it would be so nice for us to live together… he leaves for work at 5:00am and gets home all different hours.. but late. in the restaurant business.. ( not owner) management. I feel as deeply about him. I seem to know so many things about him.
    I feel so connected to him also. I just cant imagine life with out him. I had to be patient
    and lean back.. which is hard cause he does also… oh, I cant wait till we are together.. everyday again..! I have to stay at the same emotional level as he.. is..! so calm down Lin.

    I have never had this much financial issues before.. so it knocks me on my butt. !!

    So I dont think you need Christen Carters e-book… due to its mostly inside a mans mind
    more so… and Rori’s programs deal with healing the pain..inside of us.. and also turning our relationships around.. so we understand.. where our anger comes from.
    etc.. so much more healing !

    Christen Carter is good.. though.. very good.

    Just want to say hi… and thanks for missing me and checking on me..
    I am listening always,
    Love all of you

  281.  #281Cassandra on December 5, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    TW….I wish we could see you in your beautiful dress!! I am SO SO SO Proud of you for going out and treating yourself!! Please celebrate this as this is a huge deal and again…something to celebrate. I do wish though that we could all see you looking amazing in your dress! YAY!! 🙂 Thank you so much for your encouragement….your post made me cry. I wish that I could give you a hug!

    Margaret….Thank you so much also for your support. It is funny in that I do know that I will beat this thing – for some reason Idon’t question that. I guess because there have been so many other spiritual ‘attacks’ on my life that GOD has brought me through and I know that what I am supposed to do here is not yet done so I dohave peace that I am not going anywhere! The things that scares me is that this could definitely affectmy ability to have a baby which is something that I have wanted my ENTIRE life. My entire life all I have REALLY wanted was to be a Mom and sing and write songs. I have done the music thing so now I want to be a Mommy. Thanks for being there. You have totally come to the right place my sister and I am glad that you are here! I am so happy for you that you are in such a beautiful place Margaret! This is awesome!

    Clara..thank you for your beautiful post. You have such an amazingly loving spirit and I love that you are so in touch with the Lord. Iused to be there as a matter of fact I used to lead Praise and Worship at the church I attended in the city where I moved here from. I know for a fact that that is my ‘calling’…well that and being a Mom. I will get back to that in the right time. Praise GOD for your healing! When you are in that dark and wet and cold place….thinking of Nate…remember how GOD healed you from that cancer and that HE wuill heal you of the pain and agony that Nate has put you through….and that ‘addiction’. Your relationship with the Lord reminds me so much of how mine used to be…I will get back there!
    Lin..hang in there! I know that things are tough financially but look at all of the other times that you have come through. You will make it. Just keep your head up and it will be ok. I do hope that your man moves in if that is what you want. Do you want to marry him one day? When I came here – I did so becasue Charles had promised me that we would look at rings as soon as I got here and that we would get married the beginning of Feb. 08. I so wish that I had waited to come here until I had a ring on my finger and we were already married. I remember thinking that if I moved in with him before that that I would end up living with him but he would never marry me. I don’t want that same thing to happen to youif you want to marry your man. I do hope that Charles will marry me one day soon but I can’t make him marry me and I don’t want to. I want him to WANT to marry me and spend opur lives together. The more I work on me and the tools the better things seem to get so who knows…..maybe he really will marry me one day just as he says that he will. I just want you to have what it is that YOU want! You deserve the best!

    I love you guys and thank you so much for being there. I so wish that I could give each of you a huge hug in person! XOXO

  282.  #282Lin on December 5, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    Thank You………… I love him… very much and would marry him… however there are other things I want to do with him first… even though
    we had 3 years… all the time.. and the first year most of the time together.. there are still more things I want to experience with him ..before we get married… we are in our late 50’s… so its different for us…
    I gave men up for 12 years before I met him.
    so he really woke me up… to the whole relationship experience again.. and believe me
    he has been a lot of work.. which I never had to do before… so leaning back now… and letting him lean forward is new and different..
    he has always been consistence.. and its my emotion thats all over the place.. !! isn’t it wonderful…… Lin

  283.  #283Cathy on December 5, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    Hello ladies, thank you Clara, Cassandra, and TW for your encouragement. I am filling down today. I am wondering if it is because I have the nasty cold coming on. Tonight my family is meeting at my moms to watch the Christmas movies playing every Friday until Christmas. This should be fun. Well I hope all you ladies have a marvelous evening.
    God bless Cathy

  284.  #284Rori Raye on December 5, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    Yaaay for the LOVE BATH! Let’s all do that Tool, Thank you, Clara for it. Love, Rori

  285.  #285Margaret on December 5, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Just a quick question, anyone have a favorite tool for dealing with anger in the moment and for getting present with the moment?



  286.  #286TW on December 5, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    HELLO LADIES!! I have had the toughest day at work ever but my love interest came to see me. He called and was like he was on the way and I was out of the office. I was like I am not in the office but he waited until I got back and came to see me. I feel like I have been going through withdrawal symptoms without talking to you all day. Whewww!!! Craziness. You all make my day sometimes. Cassandra, if I see on this blog one more time that you do not know whether or not you will beat this thing I am going to get mad. POSITIVE ATTITUDE PLEASE!!!! I have enough trouble with the man in my life and here you go about to make me go into a FRAGILE state!!! I love you and I KNOW you are goin gto ge tbetter and have children and get married and do all the things that you want to do because God is preparing you through trials for a blessings. The one thing he is trying to see is how strong your faith is going to be. PRAY!! I am going to pray with you every night until you respond and say that you are cancer free and then we are going to keep praying that you are going to remain that way. We are all here together and we have to stick together no matter what.

  287.  #287Lin on December 5, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    TW ! Cassandra ! & Everyone here is in Agreement !! Amen!!
    Thank You Lord !!
    Cassandra body is in perfect union with her mind and spirit and love for You !! Thank You for Healing her.. in your name !! Amen !!

    TW what a wonderful Strong Spirit you have !!
    WE love you !!

  288.  #288Lin on December 5, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    CMT Where did you go? what is happening?
    are you on a different blog ? any one see her?

  289.  #289TW on December 5, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Lin- I have been in such bad situations over the years that all I had was me. I was in an abusive relationship when I was really young and I was at a real weak point. My mother is a very strong person and taught me to be very independent and hold my own. Emotionally I am a little weak right now but I still have to be strong for me and my boys. I love you all and I want the BEST for you all including myself. WE are all great. Sometimes when you go through bad things you have to have someone be strong for you and we have to get together and be strong for Cassandra because when you find bad things out then you need someone to be strong for you so we will just hold her up right now. I love you guys so much. I have emotional issues right now but I am trying to keep my spirits up and not focus so much on the bad and it seems to be helping that I am loving ME instead of focusing on him.

  290.  #290Lin on December 5, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    Gosh I do understand… I have lived my life completely single…. since I was 30.. my children were only 10 and 11 when I was on my own with them… so I know.. its very hard to do it all… and I am still single.. and now raising my beautiful grandson who is 11.
    I love this man.. so much.. I want it all with him
    but he is was single all his life also.. and its hard for him in a way.. but he sees that we are sold mates… and I can deal with him.. and his long work hours.. at this time.. I dont mind.. I always have so much to do anyway.. I rather it this way.. actually…. but when the day is done I want him right here next to me.. we both think we are still very young !! but we are not !!
    i gave up on him a few times… but that kiss got me back every time.. he says he does not remember it.. but it dug a deep hole in my heart that I could never forget… ” what is that”
    any you are strong women… keep it up..
    I really hope all works out for you.. I really think you will like Christin Carter e-program.
    its more inside a mans mind.. very good..
    and not expensive. either let me know how you

  291.  #291Cassandra on December 5, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    HI Guys….TW…I think you may have misunderstood what I wrote in my posts…..If I wrote it incorrectly goofed but I am pretty sure that I stated that I know that I will beat this thing. As a matter of fact this was in one of my earlier posts…..
    “I am not sure what it is…perhaps the Holy Spirit? but I do know that I know that I know that I WILL beat this thing. Charles even said to me earlier this evening that we are not going to speak of the cancer as though it has life but as though I have already beaten it and I loved that.”….so I DO know that it is already done!
    🙂 I even felt that way at the Dr’s this morning so I know it’s a done deal. Thanks for your passion though about having a positive attitude….that is key in pretty much any battle that we ever face. We have been speaking as though it is ALREADY defeated! As our Savior said….IT IS FINISHED! Praise God! I know that you are going through some stuff too but GOD is NO respector of persons and HE will being you through the battle that you are in as well…no doubt about it! I am SO HAPPY to hear that you are loving YOU instead of him!

    Lin…..I LOVED your PRAYER! There is SO MUCH power in united prayer! I can’t wait to be able to report that there was NO SIGN of cancer anywhere in that biopsy! 🙂 As far as your man moving in I do hope that he does move in then if that is what you want.

    I am feeling a little down this evening myself. Charles went out to meet his cousin – who I do not feel is a good influence at all (he is younger than Charles and has separated from his wife due to his infidelity) but he has always been respectful of me. He left around 8ish. Usually when he goes out with ‘the guys’ or just his cousin he does not come home until 2:00am. Don’t get me wrong here – I totally understand that men need that guy time and I am in TOTAL support of it however I don’t understand the need to be out until somewhere in the middle of the night. I am a very family based person and there is NOTHING out there that I would want to be around at 2:00am that is for sure. I would much rather be here at home tucked into our bed with my man. Am I missing something? This is really something that I am NOT ok with at all. When he left he did not even know where he was meeting his cousin which seemed odd to me…… it just me? Am I overreacting? I hate it when he leaves me here at home alone when he is not working…well I don’t mind it when he is with his brother who is a family man as a matter of fact I love it when he hangs out with his brother. I have some MAJOR trust issues though based on the things that Charles has chosen to do in the past in our relationship so I do not feel ok with him being out tonight at all…ok that is not fair…I am jumping to conclusions now and that is not fair to him. He may be home WELL BEFORE 2:00am so we will have to see….he did tell me before he left to call him if I needed anything and tha I will be able to reach him so I need to chill!! Things have been going so well that I could hardly believe it and then he goes out tonight…he did not even ask me if I had plans for us or if there was anything that I wanted to do however we have spent alot of time together lately so I have to let that go. Am I being unreasonable here? I think that perhaps I am……Honestly? I really don’t mind him going out with the guys…it is the 2:00am thing that REALLY bothers me.
    I can’t wait to know if your man does indeed move in Lin and all of you are in my prayers and thoughts. I love you guys.

  292.  #292Lin on December 5, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    I feel the same way.. only it hardly ever happens… cause he does not have friends .
    and when he is out.. he texts me.. a lot..and stays in touch.. ,, and I love him for that.. and I do the same.. just to stay connected…so why cant you do that.. with him… text him.. something sweet and he text back to let you know your important to him.. it helps.. you can talk to him about it in the future.. so you feel happier when he is out.. and yes..
    What I think ,if a man give you so much love and attention when you are together.. and he really makes sure you feel loved… you would not feel as uncomfortable while he is not with you. .. right… so if your not feeling comfortable may be you can figure out why and talk to him about your fears in the perfect feeling way.. and he can resolve those feelings.
    maybe you can start out saying.. I feel because our relationship is so important to the both of us… I should let you know I fear scared that while you are out with your friend , you forget about us.. our relation ship… and me.. I am worry that we might not work out.. that you could hurt me.. hurt us.. and that I will run away in fear of us not working out.. I need reassurance from you.. to know that I am number 1 with you all the time.. forever.. its only becuase I love you so much.. and I want to protect us.. from being hurt..or us losing what we have built together. that I say this to you… and I would like to know that you feel the way way.. That you love us.. as a couple as much as I love us as a couple a team together.
    try this out.. and see if it feels good to you.
    I know when I do this.. say things like this.. it
    makes him feel closer to me.. cause lets face it
    the guys cant talk with this kind of emotion..
    as long as we share our feeling with out blaming him… just loving him.. he gets it..
    and he will be better… !!
    love you.

  293.  #293TW on December 6, 2008 at 6:48 am

    Gril you know I can not read at night. I am glad you have a positive attitude and that you are keeping your spirits up but I was serious about the praying for you every night. You now have your own PRAYER WARRIORS team and we are going to pray that your body is healed, you have a healthy happy maiirage that brings that beautiful baby you are going to have. Guess what? My man so to speak just left my house. He spent the night with me AGAIN last night and I did not invite him over he asked me would he come. He asked me to call him when I got off work and I did and he told me he was going to lay down so I figured I would not see him but he came text me and said he was coming over and then he spent the night. We went from sex twice a month if that to twice this week. I do not know what has gotten into him. It is a good feeling but I have been using the hell out of some I FEEL messages but of course being the man that he is he does not notice it but seems to be responding to it. BABY STEPS. I wonder what all of thid means. Does it mean that he is preparing for the commitment with me or what? I guess I should just enjoy his presence and let all of that flow out.

  294.  #294Claire on December 6, 2008 at 8:18 am

    Hi everyone…

    It’s so nice to see everyone here so loving and supportive. Strangers but yet lovers of each one’s heart and soul. This is inspiring.

    If all the woman in the world unite and nurture, I think this world would be changed. U gals are powerful and so giving.

    I’m glad to have found this website.

    Is it possible to not be able to get over your first love? It has been 4 years and still I can’t get over the guy whom I first gave my heart & soul to… no there was no sex… but till now, I feel that he is my soul mate. He left me when things got really intense. He had too many other commitments and it was impossible to spend time together. Everytime we meet, it would always be tension and silence. But I feel connected with him.

    Perhaps he had become a totally different person… different than the one I fell in love with 7 years back. I was only 21.

    I just broke up with my guy who still thinks I am his girl… I told him that we should be friends but he seems to hope for something else. Instead of thinking about him… I thought of my first love.

    Will I ever get over him and find someone whom I can connect with heart and soul? Does anyone here has the same experience?

  295.  #295Cathy on December 6, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    Yes we are in agreement that Cassandra will be healed. Prayer warriors we are!!!!
    I do have to agree about loving this blog also, it encourages me.
    Margaret I read the part in Rori’s eBook about anger and understand where the anger comes from. It is no because he is not opening the door for you….it is because of fear of being abandoned or something. (this point is from her book “Have the relationship you want”. So if you haven’t already I would encourage you to download her eBook.) I learned that I have to understand where my anger is coming from and express why I am feeling the way I am feeling. For instance one of the things I get angry at is when he compares me to some other girl…what the heck….are you serious….do not compare me….I am one of a kind…and then I go off on him and say something so immature like…”I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN”
    Wow Cassandra, I feel that way too, why does our men have to go out til we hours of the night. If we say something to them would that be controlling. How could we let our men understand how it makes us feel in the I feel…I don’t…statements. I don’t believe it is his cousin either, I think it is just him staying out til 2am? Ah…you have fear issues of him being with someone else….trust in the lord with all your heart.
    Lin you sound like a pro at this feeling statements.
    TW I am so happy for you. I love your positiveness
    So yesterday I did not feel good at all, not even reading anyone comments. I was down. I knew I would be filled with joy when I got around my family. Then this morning I was still feeling down. Even cried about why does this have to happen to me type of feeling. This meaning the relationship I am in right now. Well then I got back and read the rest of Rori’s eBook and Wow what a huge opening in my heart, in my emotions. Feeling is okay!
    I have not made any effort in my relationship right now. I am leaning back. I am scared that he will never call me again. Which he actually has. Yesterday he invited himself over however I had plans already and I let im know this. I have not influenced our conversations. I let him lead the conversations and when he says he is threw I let him say good bye.

  296.  #296TW on December 6, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    Cathy- It is hard to stay positive all the time. If you look back over this blog you will see I have had more than my fair share of weakness. I am in love with a man and I do not know where it is leading and I do not know how to bring it up. You know I really want to be with him or I would not be giving him the time of day. I do like the way he is initiating more and I respond with the I feel messages and I think that is more of the reason he is taking better steps towards spending more time with me but I know I have to be patient.

  297.  #297Lin on December 6, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Cathy…. I understand.. I have done the same thing with anger.. but my anger was due to
    my over functioning .. in the relationship.. always making everything so nice for us..
    and then when he was clue less.. or not attentive enough… I would blow !! say all kinds of terrible things… he always … would call.. and say he was sorry… and I would say/oh I did not mean those things.. and he would say…. he knows…. I did not mean anything bad…… he knows he is a dummy .
    So Its OK that you say… things like that… instead of keeping it inside and pretending… its OK….. its your boundaries… protecting you.
    in time you will learn how to deal with the anger better… we dont want them to feel unsafe with us !!! Its better to be honest.. and there are better ways of being honest…
    If you want this man… you can turn it around.
    for us…. you dont have to give up… but giving up is cool also… they wont ever go away from us.. you know..!! keep on learning
    and no I am not a pro… only when I am alone and helping others…I mess up a lot… but not lately and so I am happy now.

  298.  #298Cathy on December 6, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    TW I think you nailed it right on the dot. Patient. Lord teach us patience. Yes, yes they always say don’t ask for patience but they also say it is a virtue. We are not perfect, this I know but it is exciting reading the comments you’ve posted and seeing it all unravel more or less the way you are wanting it to.
    I am going to take a love bath!!

  299.  #299TW on December 6, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    Cathy- That sounds good. Maybe I will do that too and light some candles and stuff. I hope to have him as my own by Christams. I will keep on with the leaning back and just taking it all in. The patience thing is hard because when you want something you always want it right then.

  300.  #300Cathy on December 7, 2008 at 10:08 am

    You know what is amazing. I read books like “I kissed dating goodbye” teaching me how to be patient and “Captivating” teaching me that I am a princess but by connecting with Rori’s Ebook and blogs and the toolkits she gives us is magical and bringing comfort, peace, joy, happiness, and content on wanting to be with my man. I even feel if this one does not work out that is okay I know there is one that will work out. Truly amazing, magical, truly inspirational!!
    Even the desire to spy on him on his different websites have slowly disappeared. I haven’t completely stayed away but I am not so obssessed about them anymore.
    I am praying we all learn how to be that magnet that our men will never want to leave us!!

  301.  #301Lin on December 7, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    Welcome ! You will be loved here.
    Its been 4 years.. since your first love. I know thats a long time.. sometimes it takes that long to get over a broken heart. This is what I think… you need to be dating a lot of different men… until you met someone you can really really care for.. and who cares for you in the full of heart way..This man will invite you feel so much more than your first love ever did.

    In all my experience.. I never thought I could love any one as much as my last love. I always loved more. ! If you always thinking of your first love.. then you have not met Mr Right yet.. If you were with your 1st love now
    you would be amazed how much of him just is a fantasy… type of relationship… that you imagined.. So go get one program from Rori
    or her email program.. to start.. and start dating.. !! He is right around the corner !!
    I am sure the other ladies here have alot to say also… especially Rori…

  302.  #302Linda on December 7, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    I dont have a comment on what has been left here earlier really.. I have left posted comments in some other topics. I do have a question though… When a man you love deeply and have lived with for 2 wonderful years pulls away and says he loves you as a dear friend and but is not in love with you… (sniff) Do you think that is a death sentence? I love him inspite of everything and other women he seems to pursue.

    He said he needs space and solitude to discover his true feeling. There is no communication between us at this point. But only two weeks ago he told me he loved me would text me daily.

    If you want to see some of my more detailed post look in When he asks for space focus on you and the last one on the blog list.. comments from a man Jon.

  303.  #303Cathy on December 7, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Hi Claire. Yes like Lin says if he was your true love you would be with him at this moment. You can get over him just focus on you. Mr right is around the corner just learn how to love yourself and all your questions will be answered. Yes read Rori’s Ebook, do her tools, and get some of her programs, they brink the missing link to yourself.
    Linda you can have anything you want…you just focus on loving you and romancing you and celebrating you. Most of all Patient’s. Love you girl, learn how to control your magnet!!!!

  304.  #304Clara on December 7, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Ladies, Gorgeous beautiful Ladies,
    I am in awe of what Rori’s tools could do and are doing to my life …I MEAN IN AWE !!
    Bless you Angel Rori 🙂 GOD BLESS YOU!

    What can I say yesterday i open my email box, and there was a note from a friend that has long disappeared from life just before I got married, and here he is yesterday asking about me, how I’ve been doin’, and all!

    I mean is this true or what ? this guy Gabe wanted to have a relation with me and since I was dating my husband Rick ( to be at that time ) I just told him let’s be friends, he tried and since I refused any other kind of relationship, he just left, and yesterday, just like Nate 10 months ago he is Back!!!

    I am happy to have of his news I do not feel threatened by Gabe, he is a sweet caring soul, and he’s just a real friend for me at least, I answered him, and told him it feels good to hear from him, I was genuinly happy 🙂
    But this is to tell you Ladies Rori’s tools WORK, Like Heck they do work I tell ya!!

    On another level My relation with Rick my husband is getting better and better by the day, this weekend was awesome, I actually put on a very inticing lingerie, after taking a love bath, ( went to pedicure/manicure and spa day yesterday…to SPOIL my stranger and myself 🙂 )
    So Here he is all over me …and you can deduce the rest…I am on cloud 9 🙂

    As for Nate well he called RIGHT AFTER we were through Just right after just imagine …if his phone call was like 5 minutes earlier GOSH!!!!
    Needless to say my heart sank …. then I decided it is better to talk to him with all teh Oxytocin generated by MY BELOVED HUSBAND werew still working in me Hence it would be a VERY GOOD REAL TOOL ( not imaginary ) to use to shove him AWAY.

    He gave me absolutely no time to talk he just poured (again) everything out, his remorse, his regrets, how blind was he to let me go, how of an idiot he feels to lose his “Reward and Treasure ” !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So i decided to listen, I took the chance knowing that maybe after making love with my husband some immunity I must have built…. It was an interesting experience because on one hand there was immunity, on teh other hand, and here is my dilemma, is now NOW he is saying what i longed to hear for years!!!

    I told him it was his loss not mine, and ( though it wasn;t totally true) I do not care what he feels now…but you know I had to say it, because I cannot give him the slightest hint of me being always under his spell, or he would be unbearable after, yet he is more insistent than ever…but in teh same time I feel satisfied and happy and somehow vindictive ( knida making him taste his own medicine for once) I know it is a yucky feeling, buit I love my feelings now ALL OF THEM and it is ok to feel vindictive I am still purging my fears and still working on my self esteem, and this phone call somehow I used it as a boost not as a threat, he wants to love me NOW, well buddy …then LOVE ME by all the Universe do Love me and long for me and ache for me …what the heck you should have done so a LOOOOONNNNGGGG time ago …but it is better late than never hein ??? Vindictive now I feel, STRONG AND A GODDESS NO ONE MESSES with a GODDESS without paying the price … and here you go Mister…you are paying it now and I shall to it you will pay as much as YOU OWE ME 🙂
    Yep I can can be a bad girl 🙂 and I like it because it is okay, I LOVE ME and I want my stranger out of the cave of that dump cold dark cave…I took her hand yesterday and stroke it softly kissed it while taking a LOVE BATH…with candles all around and she hugged me and told me that despite the fact that I left her alone for years in there…she loves me and she will trust me 🙂
    Isn’t great??? and all of this sis THANKS FOR RORI 🙂
    IOh yeah I will buy her other programs…I just cannot wait for Mr. Nate ‘s next phone call ( because he said he will call again ) well sir prepare for a BIG SURPRISE, Clara of the old days has been out of her cave latley and she will blow your mind away…”Like Heck you Love me because I am LOVABLE and a GODDESS and GORGEOUS but one thing you need to know … I applied for divorce…and I am not gonna waSTE MY life for your love anymore…” I am happy with my OWN and totally satisfied….

    Ladies I LOVE YOU ALL
    God bless you
    With Love and warm hugs

  305.  #305Clara on December 7, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    Linda dear, ( here’s my opinion on this whole matter) hope I would be of some help for you…

    Claire welcome ,,,and I guess my answer to Linda also applies to you because it is where we all start ….

    Love we shall bathe you in and prayers, and hugs and support, Sisters, ladies, Gorgeous and courageous you are never forget that 🙂

    It is not only possible to a man to leave after 2 years ( Linda) or a woman to stay connected to her first love( Claire ) but it seems it is happening with all of us…

    Listen, from a girl who loved a man for 16 years ( he dumped her simply to marry another ) and was still not over him even after she got married (like the idiot SHE WAS thinking that he was the one to prove her good or give her a meaning to her life, or make her feel lovely and loveable !!)
    I tell ya, LOVE YOURSELF more than anything or anyone else, because you cannot give what you do not have (Love), hence men would suspect us and never trust us to love them as much as we do ourselves ( if we really deeply hate ourselves and have low self esteem) and we cannot blame them, for how could we love them if we have a stranger angry, frustrated, scared, filled with rage and hatred, waiting to jump out on them to bite their head off, or suspect every smile to a woman or search through their affairs to feel secure we are the only woman in their lives at any delay or problem, they feel it in their guts we are not true to ourselves if we do not love ourselves….hence be able after to truly really love them, and give back to them what they are giving us!
    Yeah a BIG BIG GIANT leap for me, for if you read me and what I posted a couple of months ago, right here in this thread in older posts, you would say poor soul, she is losing it !
    Take care of you, LOVE YOURSELF, PAMPER yourself, SPOIL yourself, and think not that you love him more than life, no your life is precious, and you are the tresure and reward for the RIGHT man to come if he is not already there waiting for you to free yourselves from your shackles and take a look around at other men waiting for just a sign from you.
    Linda Dear,
    apply Rori’s tools and riff and shift what you do not have to what you do not want I know it is not easy and after turn your fears and your worries to what YOU like to do and WANT to do, and if the yucky feelings come…with a bnasty voice…give it a cooky and tell him to stay in the corner and leave you alone…you have better things to do than beating yourself up and feeling miserable!
    If he DESERVES YOU he will comeback, IF HE IS FIT to be accepted in teh court of the queen ( you ) he will come back, IF He will realize how lucky he is to be with you and commit to you forever, he will certainly come back BUT all of this will not take place if YOU do not FEEL FREE and LOVE yourself WITH OR WITHOUT HIM.

    Dear Claire,
    It seems this name has specific caracteristics or what ?? 🙂
    I too am somehow still in love with my firstlove ( you can read my story in this thread – in older posts at the start ) but let me tell you something … IT IS OK, it is alright to be still in love with your first love, it is a SIGN of LOYALTY and fidelity and that YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF, despite the fact that 9 times out of 10 you are in love with the MEMORIES not with the man himself, you are in Love with the FEELINGS that he used to generate IN YOU,and not with him, you are in Love with a fantasy created out of memories, you are longing to those feelings, to that safe knowledge that you are loveable and feeling good nice and happy…
    Well guess what …if you want to know more about you, first and foremost because it is all about YOU not him, you cannot control him but you can LOVE yourself, then all you have to do as a first step is download Rori’s e-Book, read itand work through it and with it, and after you will feel much better and you will realize that Illusions are the best way to keep us in the doubt of Love, Love is the ONLY way to doubt our illusions…hence cast them off and away…

    You have the same name as mine Claire ( in French meaning the Clear and Pure
    ) and me Clara ( French also derived from claire)
    Dear I live your same story … but now I do not fuss over it, and I am not scared, it is OKAY, it is ALRIGHT, you are not committing a crime, and you should feel no guilt, it is your heart expressing his longing to be loved and to love in return, this will come…and remember…an apple falls ONLY when it is ripe …

    To both of you ladies,
    My warm hugs and love
    God bless you

  306.  #306TW on December 7, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    Clara- What’s up???? I am glad to see your confidence go through the roof. I am so glad to see that you are feeling better and having a good time with the whole Nate situation instead of letting it drag you down. You are so in control of your feelings. I ordered Christian Carters book and I can not get into it to even read it in order to see of I like it or not so with that being said I do not think it is for me because when I ordered Rori’s I would not put it down but I like her point of view better than his. She works more on us instead of what we can do for him in order to make him respond. Rori teaches us that when we become Goddesses we will make him follow is instead of us doing something that makes him come to us. From his point of view so far I see that he seems to want us to say and do things to make the man feel comfortable without mentioning us and what we feel. To each is own though so you may like it.

  307.  #307Clara on December 7, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    Thanks for your feedback on Carter’s e-Book but I will stick to Rori’s programs, since the first 2 made so big a difference that you are seeing now 🙂
    Yes I feel my self-esteem zooming up and I am happy, because it feels GOOD 🙂

    Yes I have decided yesterday while taking my Love bath that Nate is gonna be like any other experience, and since I cannot circular-date like Rori always advises us, then I will take him a circular date, an experience, a person to FACILITATE ME …well it’s about time for him to do something positive in life no ?

    And yes I feel vindictive and revengeful but it is OKAY I know it is not a bad thing it is just a feeling and with time it will subside …
    How about you TW? wass’up? any progress is he leaning forward more than usual ? what is happening with you? and the party ? did you invite him or what ?

    Hope you are doing good Lady T 🙂

    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you

  308.  #308TW on December 7, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Clara- I am glad to see that you are being one with your feelings. That is so great to hear. There is pain and excitement in your situation because you have gone from feeling down to Superwoman and I am so proud. Well he called me Friday and had to come by my job to take care of some business and I said I was not there at the moment but he came when I got back so he could see me I guess. Anyway, I walked him out and he asked me why was I so happy and did I have some sex on my lunch break. Now you know that was code for are you sleeping with someone else. I told him via text that I did not feel the need to sleep with other men and that I was happy to see him. He asked me would I call him when I got off work and got situated and I said sure. I called him and he said that he was ordering something online and he would call me right back. Well in the meantime, he text me and said read the last 2 text you sent to me. I was like what. He misunderstood what I said earlier about not wanting to sleep with other men and thought that I meant I did not want to sleep with him anymore. I value sex and do not share my body with just anyone but I do circular date but he doesnt know that part. Anyway, I called him and explained what I meant and I told him that I felt happy because I got to see him. I was really having a bad day and it really felt nice ot have him there. Anyway, we got off the phone and I thought that was it for the night and HE text me and said he was on the way over and he spent the night with me again. Now this was a shocker because he spent the night with me twice this week when we normally only had sex once or twice a month. I have not talked to him since he left yesterday morning but I have not contacted him other than telling him that it felt nice to fall asleep in his arms and how safe it made me feel. I did mention the party but have not officially invited him yet. My co workers really want him to come but it is so out of his element but it would be something new for us to do together. Baby Steps and I wish that I could have the relationship right now but I know it will take time.

  309.  #309Clara on December 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    Lady T,
    Wohooo I am so HAPPY for you 🙂
    Oh yes Girl yessss you are a goddess and a real knows who a goddess is when he sees one, and I bet ya your man is falling for you, I AM so EXCITED for you it is so filling me with joy that you are getting there…he is starting to see the Goddess in you though still not totally focused YET but once your spell is engulfing him…
    Oh TW invite him to the party and be your Glorious Gorgeous self, and take it as an experience and have fun, let your inner lights glow and shine,
    Oh I AM SO HAPPY for you,
    I wish we will hear Good news from Lin , Cassandra and all the ladies too,
    Wish we can all celebrate this,
    you know what i have got an Idea,
    Every time a lady among us feel progress or does something for herself, or get her man leaning forward, well we need to celebrate this you know…it is so nice to have reasons to celebrate and nicer to celebrate for the beauty and love of it…so now I guess we have both teh reason and teh love of it…

    We need to write a celebration song and sing to each one who makes a progress no matter how small, how about that,

    Just like what Iwrite now ( please everyone add your tweaking to get to the final version )

    You Siren You mermaid
    the sailor will wreck his ship,
    he will be ready for the trip,
    just give it time, and like Rori said,
    baby-steps dear take us all ahead…
    You Goddess, You Love Prietess..
    Unveil your beauty bathe in your Love
    Show your strong lioness
    and show your sweet dove
    You are the Rose the fragrance and the spell…
    and in love with you, why ? he cannot tell …

    How about this Hymn to our Goddesses ???

    Hihi I feel like a bit tipsy though I wasn’t drinking anything LOL

    LOVE is an aphrodisiac and I love me and my husband, and even Nate though he was and still is a selfish idiot but …NOW I am on my way to FREEDOM 🙂

    Hug you all with Love
    God bless you

  310.  #310TW on December 7, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Clara- I love what you wrote. I think he may be coming around slowly but surely. It just may take some time but the commitment would make a great Christmas gift ya know. I am loving using Rori’s tools because they have helped me find me again and it seems to be doing the same for you because today you are so happy and it is a pleasant change in you. I went back and re read your post and I was like WOW she has changed so much. For that matter, we all have. I am so proud of
    Lin and Cassandra and all of the beautiful women on this post. We all are finding our inner goddess. I have my moments of weakness but every day is not guaranteed to us to be a good one and then I go back and read some of Rori’s tools in her e book and work it right on out. I really want to tell my guy that I want to be with him and then blink and everything to be okay. I was so drunk with happiness when he made love to me the other night and I was able to just fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him that next morning. HE made the decision on his own to come over and stay instead of me saying are you going to stay with me tonight. I really appreciated it so I sent him an text thanking him for being so sweet and making an effort to spend more time with me. I know that he really cares about me because when he walks into the house he goes straight to check on my boys to make sure they are covered up and in bed and then before he leaves in the morning he does the same thing. I value that because he could ignore the fact that they are there ya know. They are not his children although he helps me take care of them because their father is not around and rarely communicates with or sees them. He sees them about three times a year and sends no money.

  311.  #311Cassandra on December 8, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Lin..thank you so much for your comment and encouragement…as always! 🙂 Sorry I have been out of touch but I was not on the computer all weekend. Charles ended up coming home at 1:00am..not 2:00am which even though it is only an hour….I can deal with that…it seems more reasonable to me for some reason. I was out of it when he got home so when he came to bed he just held me and I went back to sleep…i did not even say much other than ‘did you guys have fun?’ and honestly I don’t even remember his response. We ended up having an amazing weekend! I just can’t put into words how wonderful our weekend was and I told him last night that I felt as thoug I did not want it to end. He just pulled me close to him as we watched a show we like to watch…that was wonderful. He is in a calss that he has to take today and tomorrow and I really thought that I would not hear from him at all during the day and guess what? It is 9:30am here and he has already called me on his first break! He also told me that he will call me on his next break which means so much to me….he has not done that kind of hting in a while. Lin….everytime I even think about moving when I have a job and this cancer thing is behind us I get so deeply sad. I do not want to leave him in our home…I don’t want to be without him or be somewhere other than here. I don’t want to go. he says that this is for our spiritual good and I get that as I did not intend to move here to be his live in girlfriend…I want to be his wife. I don’t want to leave him and our home. would not care if we were in an apartment it is the fact that this place is HOME to both of us and I don’t want to go somewhere else without him. I want to go to sleep in his arms each night….I want to wake up next to him each morning…I want to live my life with this man and be on this journey together. Sometimes I feel like I can’t enjoy the wonderful NOW moments because I am dreading the having to move moments and that makes me so sad. We had such a beautiful weekend.
    Love and hugs…

  312.  #312Cassandra on December 8, 2008 at 8:10 am

    TW….. I just could not be happier for you! Just like Lin, Clara and each of You…I wish that I could give you a HUGE hug in person! Enjoy this time and keep taking cafe of YOU……keep leaning back and allow HIM to come to YOU and keep LOVING YOU! I am so excited for you!! Thank you so much for your prayers and support. You guys mean so much to me! Sorry I have been a bit out of touch these last few days…I wasn’t on the computer. Cathy…thank to you too and all of the awesome ladies here! I do love you guys. Oh… – I did find out that Charles was indeed with his cousin on Friday night and that made me feel a whole lot better. Everytime I wonder if he is REALLY where he says he is it always turns out that he IS which makes me feel so great but it is only because of the other things that he has done in the past that makes me doubt that what he has told me is true. I hate that I feel that way…I want to trust him totally and feel safe that he will not hurt me emotionally but I don’t feel yet that I can because of the other things that he has done.
    Clara…you have such a beautiful spirit! I am so deeply excited that you are where you are. I remembetr reading your very first post and thinking how I just wanted to take that little girl that you mentioned and hold her so tight. I cannot put into words how happy I am that you have come so far. You and all of you are truly an inspiration to me in so many ways. I just remember how down and distraught you were and look at you now! Strong, courageous, free and truly loving YOU in every way. I totally agree with you that we should find a way to celebrate each and every step forward as this is such HUGE deal that will change our lives forever…for the good. I love you guys….

  313.  #313Lin on December 8, 2008 at 8:57 am

    Cassandra !
    I am so happy your weekend was so wonderful with Charles…. he is being so attentive and sensitive also….very nice.
    I can feel your.. love for Charles… is deep… If he wants to separate for reasons of obedience to God… thats wonderful… until your married.
    I also think the nice thing for Charles to do is marry you…now !! or he can move into an apartment and let you stay in the house. !
    Until he knows for sure.. what he do.
    I think he needs a level of difficulty from you to be able to win your love..
    you are so deserving.. of so much love.. He is your man..! He asked you to move in with him and you moved many many miles to be with him.. correct…. May be he can set it right and take the responsibly..Its amazing what men will do for women who are diffucult to get.
    If you moved out.,, would you stay in that city?
    To be close to him.? Is that too easy for him
    to have his cake and eat it too. kind of thing,
    I really feel he loves you.. he needs to know how much. and sometimes it happens when they feel they lost you.. kind of thing.
    I pray so hard that all will be great for you and Charles…. Your getting the love you deserve.
    now.. so see what happens.. I am just giving you some ideas… if Charles honest with him self.. he should make this right.. I am afraid for you to move out .. of the house.. and be close by.. much too painful for you.. to go through.. he needs to make it better for you.
    or maybe he might loose you.. ! I would like to see how he reacts if you do something totally out of the norm.. surprise him.
    love and hugs..

  314.  #314TW on December 8, 2008 at 9:11 am

    Hey ladies- I will respond to all of the responses later today because I am at work and I guess it would be good if I did something while I was here. LOL Anyway, I read all of your messages and respond on my lunch hour. I had a break through moment last night. I remember a conversation with my love interest that I had some months back and he was like “You left me” I was like I did not leave you what do you mean. He said that I left him for someone else. Now that part of the conversation is true but he was not prepared to give me what I wanted so I entered into another relationship with someone else and then that went to hell after 6 months or so. Anyway, I feel the same way about him. He has been with other females and stuff in the past but sometimes I feel like we can not have a future because we are both thinking what if he leaves me for someone else or vice versa. I do not know how to bring this up in conversation with him without playing the blame game. It is not anyone’s fault, we just have been though a lot over the years but no matter what we have been through he manages to always come back to me.

  315.  #315Cassandra on December 8, 2008 at 9:20 am

    Thanks Lin. That is the only reason that Charles says that I have to move…is for our spiritual walk but even though I know that part is right I feel sso angry that I have to move out of our home and away from him. I am not sure that if I do indeed move that I will be able to get over that hurt and anger of having to leave my home and him. Don’t get me wrong …I am on board with the spiritual stuff but why then why can’t he just marry me now? If I do move then yes I will likely stay here in this city as this is where I am looking for a job and I don’t have the money to move to another sity again. I am not sure how close to the house I would move butit is going to hurt so deeply to ‘come and visit’ my home and my man. I do believe that he is my man but am I being a fool? I do know that when I move ( my hope is that when boxes are packed and in the living room to be moved that he will realize what he is doing and get with the program and marry me and I don’t have to be without him or move at all!) I would do it when he is at work so when he comes home, I would be gone along with my things. I don’t mean that to be vendicative at all it is just that I KNOW that I cannot handle him moving me or me moving with him home. I can’t do it. it is breaking my heart into pieces just to have to move and I can’t really enjoy these wonderful things that are happening because that is looming overhead. Linl..he even had his arm around me yesterday when we were out with friends…he has not done that since BEFORE I moved here and he even kissed me on the forehead while we watched the game in a restaurant. He only kissed me on the forehead instead of the lips because he is sick and does not want me to get sick too. You are right though Lin in that it will be much too painful for me to be near here and not BE HERE! Every time I even think of moving I cry…I am crying right now even writing this post. I DON”T WANT TO MOVE. This is truly going to break my heart and I am not sure I will recover from this. Thanks for your support and love.

    Did you man move in this weekend? I hope so.
    Love and hugs to you….

  316.  #316Lin on December 8, 2008 at 9:20 am

    TW , I might be time to share this with HIM.
    power speech time !!! Reach way down and it will come out perfectly… from your heart.
    I feel…… GET IT ALL OUT….
    love you


  317.  #317Lin on December 8, 2008 at 9:24 am

    sorry, I was not done… get it all out…. from the heart.. with the I feel… and end it with.
    what do you think…. and then no matter how much silence there is… you stay quiet and let him speak… and you accept the answer..
    and be surprised… !

    Cassandra, It might be the perfect time for you also… to be doing the same thing.. !!!!
    hugs, Lin

  318.  #318Cassandra on December 8, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Where on the blog or which of Rori’s programs teachs about the power speeches? Because of finances I have not been able to get any of her programs yet other than the ebook. Where can I learn about these wonderful power speeches? I have told Charles that I want to be married so he is clear on that but he also knows that I love him deeply. I know that he feels that he is the one in power because he has even told me that I will never leave him and that I need him. I don’t think that he is ready to marry anyone. He is trying to change careers and get out of trucking and finances are so tight so he is not really even in a position to marry me although I personally think that we are better off every which wayeven financially together. I am so afraid taht when I move that is the end…that he will not come after me or that he will just want us to be a couple – dating and committed to each other but not move forward…and for how long am I supposed to be out there by myself??? Am I being a fool? There is another man from my past that will marry me now if I just say the word and I can have all that I want…..marriage and a family but I am in love with Charles and want to be with him. I am so frustrated.

  319.  #319Lin on December 8, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Cassandra, I hear you lady…and you are correct …. him wanting you to leave the home
    is way too painful.. and damaging.. to your relationship.. ! Your feeling are right on…
    Your a princess… not a crumb taker.. !!
    So let him know… This is big gamble for him.
    He needs to know… how you feel…. and how you feel is beautiful… !! do not be ashamed of your feelings…
    If he wants to be obedient to God.. he should move out until he can make you his wife.
    Its him delaying the marriage … correct.. not you.. ! I agree… its way to crumb taking for you to move to an apartment near by.. and then visit him when its convenient for him..
    Forgive me… but he needs to understand he either marries you.. or he moves out.. or he losses you… cause you can move back to your home town.. or near some friends.. or something.. but to live close by…. Way to painful… and actually mean to do to you..
    I am not Rori… but I am sure she would want you to date.. and build your self up completely and be all about you.. and thats just pain hard
    living near his home..! Your correct girl.. go with your feelings.. and boundaries .. they protect you.. and all of us are behind you..
    power speech time… !! Your a princess . and you will be a princess wife.. not a crumb taker wife… and guess what… he does not want you to take crumbs either… love your self better/
    and he will follow… !!! Go Girl !!
    Love Lin
    PS. my guy came over.. but he did not move in.
    he says .. wed..he will cause he did not have time to
    pack all his things… however he is so excited etc… bla bla bla… this is like him… all talk
    talk talk… so as I love what he says… I have to be about dating others again… he blames it all on his reports and he has to be working all the time… do I believe him.. well. thats not the point…. the point is my life is all about me.
    I am not blaming him.. but this is his normal routine.. .. tell me … all these wonderful promises and not deliver… I feel if he wants to live with me.. he would of put all of his things in his car.. and he could of done his reports right here with me…! So he tells me all these great things.. just to keep me right here waiting…. I am feeling like a crumb taker again,,, its not good… for us.. EVER. !!!
    thats my update… for now.

  320.  #320Lin on December 8, 2008 at 10:05 am

    one more thing…. I am very sad about this.
    also.. my life with out him…. well… I love him as much as all you women love your guy.
    Last time I left him.. I cried forever.
    Problem.. these guys think we will wait forever
    problem… we will not…. I hope not.. cause once we give up…. they will be chasing us like crazy.
    It might be too late by then..its all in our minds
    we can not marry these men in our souls before they take us to the alter… !! lets lean back and run if we have to.

  321.  #321TW on December 8, 2008 at 10:14 am

    Lin- I am terrified. I have such a fear of the unknown that I am scared to bring that up. Now you know I have confidence oozing out of my ears until it comes down to that because so many things run through my mind when I am with him. It is like whoa!!! It is an adrenaline rush to have him touch me. He held my hand while we were sleeping and he holds me and tells me that he loves me. I seriously do not think he would tell me that he loved me if he did not mean it. I am falling in love with him all over again. He was looking so sexy the other night and stuff. I was like WOW when he walked in the door. I told him he looked handsome but I really wanted to strip him down at the door and take him right there in my kitchen. I don’t even know how to start with that conversation other than I have a question I need to ask you? I feel as though our past is holding us back from our future. I can not even think. Do you think I should invite him over? All I would do is say would you like to meet me at my house later or something to that effect. You know It is football night.

  322.  #322Cassandra on December 8, 2008 at 10:24 am

    Lin…I am so sorry that you are going through this again. This man does not deserve you….period. Talk is cheap and words mean nothing without the actions to back them up. Can you do a power speech to let him know that you will not accept this if you won’t? I hate that you are going through this. I would not allow him to move in on Wednesday. He needs to show youwith his actions that he is for real.
    As far as Charles goes…he would never move out. He is the one that bought the home before we even got together so he would never leave. he did say at one point that he thought about it but that was quite a while ago….I know for a fact that he would never leave. I don’t get it. he has called 3 times now this morning…some to check on me and some because I am helping him with an online class that he has to take and he got some info for that to share with me. I don’t think that I if really have to move from here that I will ever be able to come back. I would always be wondering when i have to leave again at his whim. If I do move though it will be here in the same city or near here. I can’t afford to move back to where I came from I do'[t have the money for abig move like that. And when I do move do I sign a year’s lease? 6months? 3 Months? month to month? it costs alot more for the shorter term leases and I can’t afford that on my own – I feel that he should help me but I know that he wont’. I am sick to my stomach over having to move and it is making it so that I can’t enjoy all of the wonderful things that are happening with us. I know you can relate!
    Where can I find the power speeches?
    Are you going to allow him to move in on Wed? I am with you in that he could have done those reports right there with you! it sounds to me like he is once again playing games and you deserve so much better than that Lin. I will really be praying that GOD shows you what HE wants for you and makes it clear to you so that you know. I am not convinced that your man is supposed to move in with you at least right now…he needs to do realize what he has and perhaps miss it to realize how good he has it. I agree that Charles is the same way but you know what? I am scared that once I move that is it…that he won’t come for me or realize that he made a HUGE mistake or pay for me to get out of my lease so thatI can comeback home. I am scared that that will just be it and we won’t even hardly see each other. I am trying so hard to lean back and focus on me but this move is hanging over my head and it hurts to even think about it. I thknk that once I move that will be it….I don’t think that he will bring me back home or that we will even see each other that much. Of course I will try to circular date but I know I would feel so guilty becuase I would NOT be ok with him seeing another woman at all so what do I do?

  323.  #323Lin on December 8, 2008 at 10:29 am

    TW I hear you !! Yes…. I think we all feel the same way… thats why we are here.. !! all together… WE love them… too much !!
    and yes they love us also… of course… we are not idiots… right… OK… so if the leverage field is more even… we could not be so scared…
    understand… !!! WE all understand.. we cant take crumbs.. correct.. We all understand the men in our lives dont want us to take crumbs..
    they want to respect us… completely !!
    So where does that leave us… ? WE have to love our selves so much… we HAVE to be self centered… be all about us… it might take us to date other guys.. to build us up… and level the field…. if they dont come around.. we have lots of fun exciting things to do with our time.
    We are not waiting for them !! You give the power speech when you are feeling good enough to do it… I just feel… now that he has
    given you some good attention and love.. I hope he is not feeling so secure with you again. that he can go away… and just know you will be there for him again.. Don’t let that happen… be about you.. thats why he came back in the first place .. he was wondering if someone has taken his place.. maybe?

  324.  #324TW on December 8, 2008 at 10:59 am

    Lin- it is like you are tap dancing in my mind girl. I thought about that. I think he was scared because I was not contacting him and stuff like normal but I do not want him to be so comfortable with me that he leaves and comes back when he wants. I have not called or initiated text with him unless he asked me to call him or something like that. I want him to be afraid that he will leave but I also want to know if the reason we can not seem to move forward with our relationship because of our past. We just went through so much and I know in the back of my mind that I am scared about it so I wonder if he is scared to commit to me for the same reason. I don’t want the subject to come up and then he is like here we go again. It will not be like last time though because I have a better understanding of myself ya know. I think I need to re read some of Rori’s book and then go from there. I need to make sure that I am doing and saying the right thing. Do I need to let him contact me still?

  325.  #325Clara on December 8, 2008 at 11:31 am

    Ladies Ladies !!!!

    PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER ALL OF YOU and get a grip on yourselves NOW !


    I am with Lin in every single word she wrote, IT IS ONLY FAIR that he leaves the house if he does not want to live in sin, wasn’t he the one who played God with your life and made you move ? Now his religious “ethics” woke up ? then LET HIM MARRY YOU he won’t be living in sin would he ?
    And please please Cassandra do not take crumbs, do not be scared that he will not comeback ( if he does then it is HIS LOSS) yes it hurts bad, and to whom are you telling this??? to all of us here ???? Each one of us was hurt more than her FAIR SHARE it is about time you make a DECISION, no one is asking you to control the situation you can’t, and also YOU CANNOT LIVE under Damocles’Sowrd as to leaving or not leaving the house! it is A hellish situation and honestly he is mean to you if he insists on it !
    You need to decide it is about YOU, your feelings and your life not his, and no matter how much you love him ( I want to remind you I almost took my life away for Nate) you will get over him and you will move on, so please stop being afraid, I am praying for all of us, as each one is also praying for all of us, so be secure in teh knowledge that no matter how hard it might feel now it will gonna be ALLL RIGHT …and if you are scared here I remind you of the
    Psalm 23

    The Lord is my Shepherd = That’s Relationship!
    I shall not want = That’s Supply!
    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That’s Rest!
    He leadeth me beside the still waters = That’s Refreshment!
    He restoreth my soul = That’s Healing!
    He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That’s Guidance
    For His name sake = That’s Purpose!
    Yea, though I walk through the valley of t he shadow of death = That’s Testing!
    I will fear no evil = That’s Protection!
    For Thou art with me = That’s Faithfulness
    Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That’s Discipline
    Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That’s Hope!
    Thou annointes t my head with oil = That’s Consecration!
    My cup runneth over = That’s Abundance!
    Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That’s Blessing !
    And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That’s Security!
    Forever = That’s Eternity!
    Face it, the Lord is crazy about you.
    I thought this was pretty special, just like YOU!!!

    What is most valuable,
    is not what we have in our lives, but
    WHO we have in our lives!
    ‘ Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to move your Feet’
    GOD is there for you, GIRL You have got the GREATEST LOVE OF ALL, GOD LOVES YOU so why are you so afraid ?
    If Charles does not realize your woth and what a treasure and reward you are then it is about time for you to stop throwing your diamonds away for he does not deserve them…enough Cassandra DO NOT BE AFRAID of anything or anyone or of losing Charles, think that teh lord wants you to move to a BETTER house a Better place a better City and HE wants to give you all that you ever wished for a Fa,ily and a Loving husband…PLEASE never give up on yourself and please SOAK yourself in Love bath everyday and think it is like a renewal a baptism which God is giving you a chance and an occasion everyday.
    My heart is with you and my prayers!

    Please do not be sad, and yes I can understand that words are one thing actions are another, and I think you need to start circular date, and I am also praying for you…Gosh it hurts me so much to see you all in this sad situation 🙁 I am praying for all of you HANG ON GODDESSES … Keep your Love Fountain full, give NOTHING back if your men do not give FIRST…it is all about you … You can be happy without them…
    you know the chinese saying ??? The Oxen are SLOW but Mother Earth is PATIENT 🙂 I guess it is obvious who’s who …. Come on No sadness but immense patience and deep wisdom, they want us …let them RESPECT US and our boundaries first…WE ARE GODESSES no crumb-takers, and we won’t be around for long either the do or they are HISTORY …enough…take it from Clara yeah, LOve yourselves MORE your MEN will ADORE YOU !!

    I hear ya girl, talking about the past is awful when you feel that just the mention of it might jeopardize the present if not teh future, hence you need to follow your intuition on this one, and only talk when you feel you are really PREPARED ( also your power speech and feeling messages)as for contacting him, honestly I do not advise you to, and also do not bring up the subject IF HE DOES NOT first…
    Lean back, baby steps …and be patient …NO ladies NO FEAR…The SUN ALWAYS SHINE when the clouds move away…just wait for winter to end …PATIENCE.

    With Love and warm hugs
    God bless you all

  326.  #326TW on December 8, 2008 at 11:45 am

    Clara- I am so glad that you are here. It seems like everyone is falling apart today but I am glad we have you here to pull us back in. I know that he has to have some feelings for me and this weekend he told me he loved me. I think he is scared that I will leave him if he commits just as I am scared that he will leave me if I bring it up. I am so confused and fearful of letting go. I know I need to write out a power speech and let you all tweak it before I say it. I wonder if he feels like she is not contacting me so let me do just enough to wheel her back in and then I can go off again ya know. I am still dating other guys and talking to them on the phone and stuff so that all of my focus will not be on him. I actually am watching some football tonight with a guy.

  327.  #327Clara on December 8, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Dear Lady ask yoursel these fears ..these questions you are torturing yourself with …have they got any FACTUAL , REAL , and substancial irrevocable proof to them ? Aren’t they illusions brought about by the past ?
    Why are you wasting your time wondering what ifs…????
    Why not focus on the now …on your relation and how to treat him like a Goddess to bring him to you, no matter what HIS FERS are ?
    Rather than going into a vicious circle just feel deep inside this fear and flip it from what you do not want to what you want, let’s try this
    you say : “I think he is scared that I will leave him if he commits just as I am scared that he will leave me if I bring it up.”
    First let me draw your attention on teh verb I THINK !! Don’t think now FEEL
    let’s tweek it positively :
    I feel his fear, I feel he needs reassurance I won’t leave him WHEN he commits !
    I feel If I bring it up he might misunderstand but it is OKAY I will explain in feeling messages…
    You say :” I am so confused and fearful of letting go.”

    And let’s tweak it :” I want to feel secure and safe in the knowledge that I can let go of him so that he will be back…”

    You say :” I wonder if he feels like she is not contacting me so let me do just enough to wheel her back in and then I can go off again .”

    Tweaking: again why WONDER? why wasting time, do the tools, riff, and shift to positive thinking, let’s try
    “I feel in a wondering mood about his intentions, I do not like this mood or the doubt it is generating in me, but it is okay, I love my feelings and moods, I feel afraid that he is playing games, or thinks I am playing games, but it is just a feeling, I am accepting it, for I love and accept all of my feelings ….it is just a feeling that will pass…I feel this as point that needs being cleared by a power speech and feeling messages”

    It is So good you are circular dating …and hey have fun time tonight 🙂

    With Love and warm hugs to you
    God bless you

  328.  #328Lin on December 8, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Hi TW you said it all…. I agree.

    Clara you have such beautiful things to say.!!
    we all know what is correct… and we all know what we should do…
    We are all afraid of any more pain..!! No more pain..!!! Rori would say.
    we are working to hard.. !!!
    TW I am glad you are in a place where you are.
    its good.. to see football with a friend.
    a power speech is what ever is what you feel
    fear.. rejection, pain.. joy … love… wisdom
    its reaching down and sharing it with you man.
    its not blaming him.. or being connected to an out come.. but once you share your deep feelings then you say…. what do you think.?
    and wait for him to answer. thats all…. and you accept what he thinks… the power speech
    is clearing the air… its honest .. its your feelings
    its sharing them with him.. and then saying what do you think… ? thats all… it does clear the air…. its a good thing… I would not say come over.. I want to talk to you..
    it just happens when its right to happen..
    it might be the next time you have strong feeling when you are with him… and then it comes…. its not rehursted really.. this is just permission you give your self to take care of your self.. and your feelings.. they are not wrong…. just what is.. ..for me my guy comes closer.. but I dont know if it always works like that…? when I am done… I am always surprised that he hugs me…. and says nice things.. ?

  329.  #329Rori Raye on December 8, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    You are all amazing, and I thank you so for sharing both your heartache and your healing. Clara, Thank you for the beautiful Psalm 23 interpretation – and the Goddess Hymn. They are SO powerful, and I know they’re helpful to us all – I’m printing them out for myself – and hope you each jump off of the Hymn and write one for yourself to give you strength…
    Love to all, Rori

  330.  #330Clara on December 8, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Without You I couldn’t have made it 🙂
    Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart,
    You just flipped my life in just 5-6 weeks!!!
    I thought I was losing my mind, and here I am writing hymns and trying to help others, all of this thanks to you your programs and tools !
    Now this blog and your newsletters are like daily bread I wait for your letters and check your blog everyday…and I feel surrounded with beautiful ladies, goddesses, gorgeous loving warm and courageous, all thanks to you 🙂
    THANK YOU RORI and God bless you !
    Ah, Guess what ??? I am gonna get me a Christmas present 🙂
    A new program by Rori Raye 🙂 Reconnect Your Relationship and after I am intending to buy “The Modern Siren”

    Rori you are simply AWESOME…
    May God bless you
    HUGS and love
    PS. Dear Rori, You can use whatever you want from my posts my posts and my story and the results I am getting because of your programs and e-Book into your Newsletters …it is a simple thank you, though what you are doing is worth much more than this…

  331.  #331Cassandra on December 8, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    Hi Sweetie! I am so happy that you are doing so well! You inspire me!! I wish that I could give you a huge hug in person!
    As far as Charles, you are right if we were to marry right away then the whole issue of living in sin would be gone and I am not sure what he is so afraid of. He says that he does not want us living in sin yet when HE wants to be physical then he intiates making love to me although it is not that often anymore but if I initiate anything his response is ‘Babe, I would love to but we can’t…we have to do the right thing!” HELLO! What is the difference??! It is as though EVERYTHING is his way and I mean everything! Yes…things have been night and day better and he has been loving, caring, attentive and even affectionate and even asking me at various times if I am ok and that is all wonderful but what about the big picture? That is what is eating away at me….I can’t enjoy the wonderful things that are happening because of this horrific thing that is looming overhead and right after Christmas as soon as I can get a job. I do want to stay here with him as you all know but at the same time you are so right in that what he is doing in having me move is indeed cruel. At least that is how I see it and you said that you agree. In the back of my mind I have sort of come to the conclusion that if I do indeed have to move then I am done…I am not coming back and Charles and I would be through. That is why I am so hoping that he comes to his senses and does not make me move because I really think that if I have to move I am not coming back and that makes me so sad. I will be back in an apartment, alone and have to get out there again into that hellish dating world and once again feel as though I belong NOWHERE….I don’t want that to happen. I know that GOD wants all of these wonderful things for me but I have a hard time REALLY believing that I will have them Clara especially at my age. I haved been believing GOD for them for 20+ years. if I do have to move on then it will take AT LEAST another year or two or more before I am married and settled in a home where I feel is HOME before I can have a child and then it is too late. I do not want to be 45 when I am having my first child. Not to mention having to go out and meet all of these different men who play games and your emotions get all trampled all over again. I am scared that if Charles and I do not make it, if he does make me move then I am done ….not just with Charles but with having my dream/s at all. I can’t go through this again. I know you think that I will get over it but I can’t see allowing anyone else into my world after what he has done this is why I so deeply hope that he makes it right. Time will tell but I feel as though I am at the mercy of time, his choices and what he says goes. I feel that right now I have no power to do anything but continnue to focus on ME and work Rori’s tools and try to move forward for ME. It was funniy in that yesterday we had an absolutely beautiful day and usually when we are out I am feeling kind of nervous because Charles is gawking at other women with me right there but not only did he not do that yesterday but I did not even think of it happening..not even one time. I didn’t care. i thought that interesting. Iguess a step in the right direction. I so want to enjoy this season..every minute of it but as wonderful as things have been it is like there is this HUGE elephant in the room that no one is addressing and I hate that. I can’t even circular date because of this whole situation and I would not feel right if I were to do that even if I was in my own place. I would be livid if he was seeing someone else so how can I do something that I would not be ok with him doing? That does not seem fair to me. I do feel that if I have to leave here then we are through I would not be able to handle anything else but moving on…it would hurt tooo @$^#%&^ much.

    Lin and TW….I think that both of you should be circular dating…TW have a great time this evening…i will be thinking of you!
    Love and HUgs…

  332.  #332Clara on December 8, 2008 at 1:05 pm

    Lin Dear,

    Oh how much I relate with you and what you are saying is so powerful and inspiring…

    Pain, yes women’s nightmare…emotional pain…
    but you know think of it like a rough diamond that needs be chiselled by another diamond ( that hurts ) pain cuts into us to let our beautiful lights out…
    Imagine a beautiful crown incrusted with one big clear and pure diamond, now imagine this crown on the head of your man, and he is showing you and is proud that the most precious diamond on his crowned head, is YOU.

    Pain is not in vain dear Lin, and even if it does not work with your man …there are others my dear, and they will be honored to make you the ONLY diamond in their crown, their most valuable treasure for all to see…

    With Love and warm hugs,
    God bless you

  333.  #333TW on December 8, 2008 at 1:18 pm