Ask Your Relationship Questions Here

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Hi, just wanted to start a new post for questions that aren’t related to specific posts…it helps me find your questions more quickly this way…Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Diana on January 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I feel bad…I got confused about how feeling messages work and I told the guy I am in love with that I love him before he did. We were not even in a relationship! He said his feelings were not there yet and ran away……do you have any advise for me on what to do?

  2.  #2lm on January 20, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    hi rori,

    i’m wondering what to do if my boyfriend flirts with a very aggressive, leaning-forward woman in a way that makes me uncomfortable. she is very masculine and will literally lean forward into his face, touch him and invade his space. he says he thinks of her ‘as one of the guys’ and that he finds it hard not to respond to her when she talks to him because ‘she is so in his face’. i do feel some sort of weird vibe between them. i wonder if he enjoys the aggressive attention she gives him.

    i have such a hard time because i usually don’t feel jealous. i feel tense and left out when i’m around them. i have brought this up with him several times and for a while he will avoid her, but we work together and inevitably we all end up at functions together. i have recently started avoiding any situations with her. then i’m hard on myself for complaining to him and am worried about what they are doing when we are apart because i’ve chosen to forgoe the event to avoid being tense and embarrassed. do you have any advice?

    what should i do.

  3.  #3chocoGB on January 20, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    My boyfriend is cheap. We are in a long distance relationship. He lives in another State which is 700 miles away. One of us has to travel on breaks to see each other. He used to told me once, it doesn’t matter either one of us travel, we can pay 50/50 of the air fare. Ever since we started dating, he came to my place just once. It was in a car with his friends after 4 weeks he asked me out. Since then, he always make me visit him. He offered that he’ll pay half of the airfare once or twice and made me pay for the whole and pretend that he forgot it and never pay me back. I also feel bad to remind him. So I just let it be. Another thing is, ever since we dated, he bought me some flowers just once.He forget my birthday and our anniversary and never send me anything. It is not romentic at all. Sometime he would make me buy stuff from ebay saying he doesn’t have paypal account. So I have to buy them for him. They are not very expensive but I don’t feel like it’s fair. We both are students but he earns more than I do. I don’t care who earns more but it annyos me a lot. I love him but I don’t know if I can take it longer. I’ve been thinking of telling him how I feel but I feel bad and I don’t wanna make him get offended. Shall I tell him how I feel or Shall I just break up with him giving him no reason?

  4.  #4Rori Raye on January 20, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    chocoGB, Welcome, and this is going to be tough – but please read. Your self-esteem and self-respect is in the toilet. This is what you need to work on. this guy is not only using you for a booty call, you travel long-distance to him to do it! He’s not your boyfriend. Please Circular Date. Learn how men and dating work by DOING it. You sound very young and in school – NOW’S the time to experiment and have fun, not be tied to a man who doesn’t care and who you can’t see. Very bad. Please stop thinking about him and stop calling him your boyfriend. If he shows up on your doorstep, great, otherwise, stay home and date local boys. Love, Rori

  5.  #5Rori Raye on January 20, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Diana, Welcome, and sorry. The issue here is not that you made a “mistake” in telling him you love him first, but that you felt compelled to do so. Even though you know there’s no relationship. (I assume you’re dating him – if that’s not the case – then we all here must help you with your dedication to fantasy imaginary relationships and get you Circular Dating in the real world. If I’m missing an important detail of how this happened, let me know. Otherwise, step back and forget about this man. If he shows up, great, if not, you’ll be very busy with other men. Love, Rori

  6.  #6dorothea on January 20, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I like the background on the site today. Pretty! Thank you for taking the time to read and answer our questions.

    I have a question for Rori and it would feel great to hear from other posters too. I hung out with a guy on saturday for the first time and at the end of the night he told me i was sweet and sexy, that he wants to spend more time with me, he kissed me innocently, and gave me a small gift.

    He hasn’t called me, and my best girl friend is telling me now that I need to PARTICIPATE with him and call him to thank him for the gift.

    I said thank you to him that night but my girl friend says now that I’ve used and liked the gift that I ought to call him and let him know that I like and appreciate it. She also said that if I don’t contact him to thank him, I will probably look like some chick that is just out for attention and gifts.

    I value my friend’s opinion and understand perfectly but I also feel really good about leaning back. So my question is: is there a balance here? What might it look like?

  7.  #7Kristen on January 20, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Hello…..I desperately need advice about my ex-husband. He and I divorced in September. We live one hour apart. He contacted me in October saying that he wanted to start talking again and see what might happen…..So we have been talking on and off ever since….We obviously both still love each other. We really enjoy each other when we spend time together. The only thing is that I feel like I am “desperate” for his attention when we are apart….I feel like he doesn’t call me enough….he does work long hours, but why can’t he find the time to make a phone call during the day???? This was also a problem when we were married too…He just doesn’t feel available like I want him to be…what do I need to do different for him to cherish me and remember I still exist??

  8.  #8Daria on January 20, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    mmm… whaat?

    how can you look like youre after gifts if he’s the one who gave it to you?


    chill out young lady!

    when he calls you you can tell him it was great and that you felt great using his gift. if you feel like it then

  9.  #9Kaitlyn on January 20, 2010 at 6:17 pm


    Why is it that all I meet are guys who I’m circular dating text me and ask how I’m doing, but then when I reply, “I feel great today” they never reply back? Why would they ask if they don’t want a dialogue?

  10.  #10dorothea on January 20, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    I’m chilling out, young ma’am!

    I feel interested in feeling more balanced in general. maybe this isn’t the best situation to explore this, but sometimes leaning back feels like I’m putting up a fence or something

  11.  #11carole on January 20, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    I have been follow you ever since I started dating 8 months ago. For the most part my life was running my business and straight home to deal with the kids as a single mother for 6 years. Until one day one of my employees approached me in my female energy space and I bought it hook line and sinker. Long story short we started seeing each other from that day on and 6 months later he dropped out of sight. Looking back I see now that I made him the center of my world and the person responsible for my happiness.
    In the begining let me mention I lived at home with my parents while getting the business up and running so going to his house seemed like a vacation. When he dropped out of sight I decided to move to a new place, shift gears and focus on my own inner diva. Well it worked for 3 months after using your tools “Don’t be the friend”. I was really suprised when he called after 3 months but I decided to see what would happen, so after only two weeks having a conversation about what we both wanted I figured out it was “The Imaginary Relationship” after he said i’m so happy not to be in a relationship after my 8 year relationship with my ex. Once again I gave him the feeling message and let him know I don’t feel comfortable with this arrangement (Friends with Benefits). I immediately started dating up up a storm (coffee dates, lunch dates, young ones, old ones who ever looked my way) Here is the problem as I stated this guy works for me on certain projects and he has for the most has done a great job. Since new to the whole circular dating I still have feelings for him and I don’t think I’m ready to work that close to him yet, which means I would have to hire someone else for the project but I don’t want him to think it’s because of our “imaginary relationship” or should I even care. I feel like letting out my drama queen and not letting him work on the project. I don’t want to risk my new inner diva or just leave him where he is and find someone else to run the project which would be a breeze. And the easy way out. Right now my focus is on myself I’m leaned back my phone is ringing off the hook with (3) guys that are willing to do all the work and it feels just great. I’m afraid I will lose my self as soon as we start working together again. Please advise.

  12.  #12DeeDee on January 20, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Well I am finally writing after observing from the shadows for months. I love what you are doing here and I get so much out of the deeply honest feeling posts I read every day. All of the Sirens here are just wonderful!
    I have your ebook and am slowly working my way thru it but ashamedly not as fast as I should. My situation is this: My ‘boyfriend’ and I are over 50 and have been together for more than 5 years. He has proposed numerous times and I have always put him off. Believe it or not it has been enough for me just to have him as an exclusive boyfriend to date and travel with (and sleep with) AND he is very handy around the house as I own my own home. Okay now for the reasons I will not marry him (this is where I must get REAL with myself):
    1. He smokes MJ every day, not excessively every day, but every day just the same. Therefore the majority of the time I spend with him he is under the influence.
    2. Everywhere we go he is checking out other women. I can feel his energy go completely toward them and he makes excuses to go hand in the isle where they are shopping. I have confronted him on this but is is always denied.
    3. If another younger or thinner woman is in our presence, ie, his daughter-in-law, my daughters, friends, my sisters, he literally disappears energetically. All of his energy, attention, EVERYTHING goes toward the other woman. All of this is denied. He will even follow them around the kitchen or whatever acting like a smitten school boy. Of course he never does or says anything overtly flirtatious just gives the other females his complete attention.
    4. He has come out and said a few years ago that it is his fantasy that I get plastic surgery, breasts and liposuction.
    5. He has made comments since I turned 50 (he is 60) about out age, as he groups me with him as being old now.
    I am very sorry this is so long but I so need you to hear these things and answer this question: Is he toxic? Is there any hope? Another little tidbit is that I have tried to lean back, use feeling messages and so on and he just seems confused and almost irritated by them and gets opposit-itis. Truth is I told him I wanted to take a break from him and date other people just a couple of days ago but over the phone. He just said, “Okay.” And that was the end of the conversation. Obviously I am concerned about the time invested in him and this relationship. Thank you for you time and attention.

  13.  #13Tina on January 21, 2010 at 1:06 am

    I like attention and gifts 🙂 I loooove presents luve luve luve ooh. Dorethea do you mean your degree of apprection in relation to the the gift received? Is this the balance your talking about?

  14.  #14Diana on January 21, 2010 at 2:22 am

    Thank you Rori for your advise! I felt excited when I saw your reply 🙂 This man kissed me, invited me out on 3 wonderful dates and then told me he had a complicated situation with two women. I felt scared, stepped away, and told him I no longer wanted to date him. But it was late! I was already in love with him. I tryed to keep away as much as I could and I felt so sad i could not eat or sleep. It has been hard because I see him at work often. He said he wanted to get to know me better and asked me out a few times for coffee (at the University). He made it clear it was not dating but I took the oportunity of using your tools and the feeling messages. One day I was feeling bad I told him about my feelings. I still see him at work and we go out with common friends sometimes but he does not ask me out anymore for coffee etc. The good news is I started to Circular date. For months I wanted to do so but no body invited me out! But I feel that now slowly this is starting to pick up. I feel happy about that. 🙂

  15.  #15Linda on January 21, 2010 at 5:43 am

    Dorthea, I can understand how you feel like you are putting up a fence or not participating. Actually if you are concerned about being polite, dont. You thanked him already.

    Investing thought into this man, wondering why he hasn’t called etc is a form of overfunctioning. Your friend may feel it is the “proper” thing to do or she may reason that is a way to stimulate some more interaction etc. What do you feel about that? Could that be true.

    If a man wants to talk to you he will call and if he doesnt he wont. Sounds hard nosed but it is the truth. Men say all kinds of things but actions are what is real.

    Hugs…. Linda

  16.  #16DeeDee on January 21, 2010 at 6:20 am

    Yikes, sorry for the typos…that was “hang” in the isle not hand..
    On rereading my post I am feeling so ugly and stupid. I am not an unattractive woman or fat…okay I could use to loose 20 lbs, but I am approached ALL THE TIME by other men! I have 3 men after me now and one of them is 39 years old. Soooo, my logic says I am not hideous, by I feel like a hideous ogor when I am around him. I have a big pocket of pain inside of me and feel sad and rejected and like my days of being attractive are over.
    Thank you Rori and all of you sirens here on the Island for caring about other women. It is so refreshing AND unusual…

  17.  #17Angeline on January 21, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Anyways, I recently broke it off with a guy I was seeing. We had a good connection, but I just wasn’t physically attracted to him. I did give it a chance, but he was always pressuring me, and that didn’t feel good, so I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore.

    Anyways, I got home recently to find that he has sent me an expensive gift via UPS. I like the gift and want to keep it but I don’t feel entirely comfortable with it. I feel anxious that if I keep the gift he won’t leave me alone, like I’m sending him the message that I want his attention when I don’t.

    What should I do? Return the gift to UPS? I don’t really feel like calling him or emailing him, but maybe I should? I feel kind of irritated by this situation!

  18.  #18Tina on January 21, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Angeline, your having mixed feelings about your gift, you like it and want to keep it. Your not feeling comfortable with accepting a gift from a guy you broke up with. I would send him an email with something like, ” I feel uncomfortable” then wait for a reply, he’ll ask why, you’ll say why, I like the gift , I want to keep it but I dont feel comfortable accepting gifts from you since we broke up. What do you think? He’ll send a reply telling you want he thinks or you can do it over the phone. Something like that.

  19.  #19Rori Raye on January 21, 2010 at 11:13 am

    DeeDee, Welcome, and what I hear, and what I would say to you seems to be what you’ve already said. This kind of behavior from a man is something that some women could tolerate with a sense of humor, or tease him about, and not take personally. But that isn’t me, and it isn’t most of us, and it isn’t you – judging by the fact that you’ve pretty much lost interest in him. Please follow through on your impulse to Circular Date – and give it a bit of time and getting used to. You’re comfortable with this low level of intimacy – so it will take some Circular Dating experience and experimenting to find a new way for yourself, and to start allowing a man to get closer. Love, Rori

  20.  #20Rori Raye on January 21, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Carole, Welcome – and what an opportunity for you to love yourself. Forget about him. I assume he’s not on payroll but is an independent contractor. Don’t hire him again. Find someone new. The whole idea here is to get a new life. Brava to you for Circular Dating up a storm, and the more you see him or think about him, the harder you make this new adventure on yourself. You want a man to fall in love with you, and for you to fall in love with that man who loves you. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t go back on your life gameboard. Love, Rori

  21.  #21Rori Raye on January 21, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Kristen, Welcome – and the solution for you is simple – Circular Date. Get a new life. You can date your ex, too – but ONLY while you’re dating other men. This is not about making him jealous, or anything to do with him. This is about curing your neediness and desperation and attachment to the OUTCOME of this marriage. As you begin to “not care” what happens, you’ll be able to open up and be warmer to him – which is what needs to happen, and you can’t be genuinely goddessy and warm and open if you’re feeling insecure and desperate. Be prepared for a total transition experience with your emotions. We’ll all help you here. Love, Rori

  22.  #22Daria on January 21, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Don’t worry about it Kaitlyn. It doesn’t matter. Maybe they’re just wondering how your day is and that’s it. Maybe they’re shocked to get a feeling message. Maybe they are dumbasses. Maybe they are great.

    If you notice yourself feeling resentful cuz it happend more than once or something, you can say, you know i feel annoyed that whenever i tell you, I don’t receive a response… whatsup ?

  23.  #23DeeDee on January 21, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Thank you Rori. Please help me to understand this–If he had his way we would have sex everyday and more than once a day. So, if he is so attracted to me and wants to marry me why does he behave this way, even when I tell him how bad it makes me feel? Is this what I am to expect from other men as well? It feels really, really bad. I would prefer it if he said he didn’t want to marry me then his behavior would make sense. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

  24.  #24dorothea on January 21, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Hi DeeDee, WOW you have been a very patient woman, in my opinion. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that marijuana is a safer substance than alcohol and absolutely cannot kill you. Nor is it associated with aggressive and violent behavior the way alcohol certainly is. I feel relieved to hear he isn’t DRINKING every day and instead rationally chooses the safer, less harmful alternative for his recreation.

    But, now that I’ve got my pro-pot disclaimer out of the way, I feel terrible hearing that he does not show you he is hearing your concerns. You shouldn’t have to put up with the things you Don’t Want. You Don’t Want a man who is under the influence all the time. This would be something a person with my particular set of values concerning marijuana would encourage you to perhaps overlook, BUT your list of Don’t Wants goes on…you DON’T WANT him puppy dogging after other women. You DON’T WANT him making you feel insecure about your age or your body. And you DON’T WANT him smoking pot all the damn time. It seems to me like he will just do what he feels like as long as you let him.

    Either he will realize one of these days that you’re serious about what you Don’t Want and your circular dating will wake him up, or he will remain as is and he will become disqualified to you. Like Rori says, either way, you’ll be great!

  25.  #25dorothea on January 21, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Tina I love your advice! It’s so simple and honest. And I like the “what do you think” part for the end.

  26.  #26Callista on January 21, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Wow, thanks for starting this thread!

    I have 2 questions that I’ve been mulling over lately.
    1) I seem to attract men who don’t take me seriously. They tell me all these things any woman would love to hear, but don’t follow through with their actions. Like saying they want to marry me and father my children but then disappearing for a week. And, when I use feeling messages to let them know how their behavior makes me feel and I don’t want it, nothing changes. This has happened enough times for me to know there must be a message for me here but I don’t know what it is! Any insight?

    2) Lately I’ve been very proud of myself for my progress circular dating and keeping strong boundaries. And I had an important insight – I now know that in the past I had been confusing a mixture of attraction and sympathy/compassion for love! Or simply strong feelings of attraction. Now I can separate the feelings out, but now I have a new problem – how will I know when it’s love? Because what I thought love was before is NOT love… what does love feel like then? And how will I recognize it?

    Thank you!

  27.  #27Kristen on January 21, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Hi Rori! Thank you so much for your advice…..I have definately come to conclusions to not care about what happens with me and Justin…but that just doesn’t stick therefore I go back and forth between caring too much about what could happen and not caring at all what happens……but I will definately do what you say….I really appreciate your help!! 🙂

  28.  #28Simply Shannon on January 21, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    I love your advice too Tina!

  29.  #29Simply Shannon on January 21, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Have you ever said to him: “I feel a weird vibe when the two of you are together. Do you feel attracted to her?” Maybe opening the dialogue would give you some insight. And maybe he would like it if you were more aggressive sometimes. Maybe this is a sexual fantasy of his? There are so many ways this conversation could go. It might feel good to uncover what’s there. It might also take some of the mystery away from this girl and give you ideas on how to out-girl this clearly masculine female.

    Personally I wouldn’t forgo the events. I would lean back and find my inner goddess. I would want to out-girl this girl. I’d step away from him and circular date other men in the room.

    Once he realizes he can’t feed his ego off your jealousy and this girl’s attention, he might just notice that other men are noticing you and come running to your side. Win-win.

  30.  #30Simply Shannon on January 21, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Also it’s important to smile and be playful with him when you ask if he’s attracted to her. Give him the space to say yes (if that’s the truth). It’s not bad that he’s attracted to her. Men are attracted to lots of women they see. That doesn’t mean he loves her or anything. He’s getting attention and that’s okay. I like it when a guy notices and flirts with me. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna jump his bones or anything.

    So give him space to tell you the truth. Smiles help. Playing helps. If I scowled at a guy and said “do you feel attracted to HER?” the answer would probably be NO and end of convo. ya know?

  31.  #31Simply Shannon on January 21, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Thank you Daria! I feel annoyed by texts lately. I just don’t like communicating that way. Great advice!

  32.  #32Simply Shannon on January 21, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    I have the same question as Callista, so I’m writing it again in hopes that Rori responds.

    What does love feel like? I’m seeing a guy right now who I feel great with but I don’t feel the same sparks like I’ve felt with other men. Sometimes I feel bored because it feels so normal. Am I jonesing for my drama habit since I don’t have the adrenaline rush that comes from the ups and downs of my past relationships?

    He actually signed his last email by referring to me as “my love” and I thought “huh?” I feel nervous that he’ll say he loves me when I don’t feel that way with him yet. Or do I? I feel confused. This guy is rowing the boat HARD. He is making plans, and we are having deep, honest conversations.

    And yet I can’t figure out why a love feeling hasn’t clicked in my head. It’s there but it’s not this overwhelming thing. Am I just relearning how to love and be in love? It is so weird not to be completely overwhelmed by it. I’m used to jumping off the cliff, not sliding down the hill.

  33.  #33lm on January 21, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    thanks SS!

    it’s funny you talk about finding other guys attractive and enjoying attention but not wanting to ‘be’ with them… since i originally posted my question my guy and i went to a concert and a really cute young guy (8 years younger than me) started talking to me at length, leaning in, really really into me. My guy noticed and looked at us, but he didn’t intervene. i told the guy that my bf was right there, but he persisted. My guy complained about it for the rest of the night and at one point he sent me a text message about how he wants me to ‘stop talking to losers’. then when we went to bed, be asked me if i ‘like guys other than him?’ i chose this time to talk about the attention he gives this other, flirty girl, and to let him know that the way he acts with her made me feel the way he felt at the concert when the young guy was speaking to me. i said ‘i feel weird around you two. do you like her?’ and he said ‘honestly, i really really don’t think about her in a sexual way. she is not my type. you know what turns me on. she is like a guy to me.’

    THEN i decided to just take him at his word and i now have to admit that he does treat her like his buddies, the way they lean into each other and speak really aggressively. so yeah, i should just chiiiiillll out because he isn’t going anywhere. we see each other every day (his idea 90% of the time) and he has told me he loves me and that i am his best friend. it’s funny what a little jealousy can do to an otherwise confident girl. it doesn’t look good on me!

  34.  #34Nancy on January 21, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Hi Rori,

    As I struggle to get the hang of all of this, I make mistake after mistake and am working on being gentle with myself. I’m learning, afterall.

    I’ve been posting about my situation and will just give a little ‘refresher’ here and then ask my question.

    Dating for 20 months. Relationship stalled. Me overfunctioning (going to him due to our schedules, cooking more than he does, etc.). Me increasingly frustrated… a lot like your client Mia in Blueprint. We have a nice Xmas, exchange meaningful gifts, take great trips together, he tell me he loves me and calls me 5 times/day, is very affectionate, loving, etc., makes sweet comments about the future, but has never talked seriously about it at all. We look at a couple of houses and I get excited that maybe he’s ready to move forward, though am still very aware he’s not talking seriously about it or proposing. Then he says he’s not ready to buy a house, he has too much work to do on his own house and that that was all my idea and he feels uncomfortable and stressed. All I hear is that he is not ready to move the relationship forward and I deliver the following: “That’s fine, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. But I want to tell you, that for my part, I want a shared life together and if that isn’t happening or can’t happen for us, then in the not too distant future, I’m going to have to move on. We’ve been together for quite a while now and I don’t sense you moving in that direction, so I have to consider moving on.” I drop it, I tell him to go out and have a good day. He says, “Okay, I love you, talk to you later.” I didn’t intend to give my speech over the phone, it just came out of me.

    I called later to answer a question he had had (I call him rarely and he is always asking me to call him more) and he didn’t take my call. We had one conversation after that that didn’t go badly. Since then I have heard nothing from him. We have gone from 20 months of almost constant contact to nothing but dead air. This has gone on for two weeks.

    I am not going to call him. I’m dating myself big time. I have had moments where I felt like I might go mad and moments of panic and pain. Thanks to you and the support of everyone here, I have also had moments of feeling very strong and good. I’ve booked trip to Maui next week, by myself to go see the whales and pamper myself. I’m REALLY excited about it and it’s keeping my focus off of him (I am SUCH a ruminator!) I’m using the tools, especially “I am moving gracefully away from you.” I’ve had my pedi, brow wax, hair, tanning and bought a new bathing suit. Running errands, getting out. I’m taking a yoga class and love it.

    Here’s the question that’s been rolling around in my brain for the last few days:

    I know men withdraw and that I have pushed him away, but WOW, this feels like cruel and unusual treatment! If he does call, even if he shows up with a ring (an idea I’m not entertaining – what he’s doing can’t mean anything good) how wise of me would it be to consider going on in a serious relationship or marrying a man that would treat me this way? When I feel good and strong, I lose some of the anger about it, but even in those moments I wonder what this means about his personality and what might be in store for me in a future with him.

    I would love to hear what you think.

    Thanks, Rori.


  35.  #35DeeDee on January 22, 2010 at 6:21 am

    Hi Dorothea and thank you for responding! Exactly! I don’t want to feel like second rate when other people are around or feel like I am with a pothead, not at our age. The behaviors I have mentioned remind me of a teenager 15-19, ogling girls and being high. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he will just do what he feels like as long as I let him. But in the final analysis, I don’t feel as good about myself around him as I should. My confidence has dropped because of this relationship. And I did read where Rori said that nothing matters but how I feel about myself when I am around him. So, here I am shaking in my boots but I’m gonna make a stand anyway. Why not, I couldn’t feel any worse any way…

  36.  #36Simply Shannon on January 22, 2010 at 6:47 am

    Yeah! It feels good to read you were able to speak your truth and he responded to it! I do feel a little uncomfortable about the “chill” comment. If you feel weird again when this happens, it would feel better to say “hey, I feel weird again” or “hey, I feel jealous again”. I’m slowly learning that acknowledging my feelings in the moment is so much easier than letting them build and build into these crazy monsters that come out without warning. No need to “chill”. Just feeling whatever comes up and expressing that. Not only does it allow you to be honest, it allows him to be honest.

  37.  #37tinque on January 22, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Ahhh SimplyS – “why a love feeling hasn’t clicked in my head.” because that’s not where love is felt. It’s felt in the entire body. I have been attempting reecntly to put words to this unsuccessfully. The best I have come up with is feelings of warmth, passion, sometimes lust, safety, trust, an eagerness to see and be with this person. There is for me also a great sense of playfulness and fun much of the time.
    I have found that when intense attraction happens right from the beginning, it tends to fizzle out.
    Yes there will be an attraction, but sometimes it’s just an ember that explodes into flame over time.
    Likely this is a “safer” way to fall in love, for it gives you the time to REALLY see who this person is at core.

  38.  #38tinque on January 22, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Oops. forgot my hugs and kisses.
    I hope this helps you some.

  39.  #39Simply Shannon on January 22, 2010 at 7:53 am

    Thank you Tinque! It feels so strange to be feeling good with a man but I don’t feel hung up on him at all. And I’m not really seeing a lot of other men right now. My focus is just not on having some big relationship. I’m working on myself and growing spiritually. That’s my focus. I’m not worried about finding a man anymore. God will bring me the right man. And here’s this boy (Mr. Fab Kisser) who wants to spend all this time with me. He’s making plans for weeks in advance as things come up that he wants to do. It’s incredible.
    Would I miss him if he stopped calling? Yes.
    Would I die if he stopped calling? No.
    Do I feel good/special/wanted? Yes.
    And when I feel bad, I tell him and he comforts me. It’s just so weird that I don’t feel compelled to say “I love you”. And he’s okay without us having sex (this is a boundary for me now. I want safe, married sex. And since not married – no sex.) He wants me and I want him but he’s not pressuring me at all.

    See – I feel conflicted. It’s crazy cool to be experiencing this so differently but it feels so weird! Love does not equal fear. I think that’s exactly what my paradigm said before. Fear felt like love because I was constantly thinking about him and being afraid he would leave. That felt like love to me. This is so different from that. I feel very warm and safe around him. My brain keeps wanting to put him in the friend category, but then we kiss, and he’s definitely not just a friend. 🙂

    Just riding my horse. We’re on this slow and steady pace. I’m thinking back to all the times you’ve said to me “it’s only been X months” and how it can take years to really know someone. I can see that now. Funny, huh?

    Thank you Tinque! Shannon

  40.  #40Aminata on January 22, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Hi Gypsy Goddesses,

    I’m posting a note here to thank Rori for saving my love life.

    I found Rori online when I was going through a roller coaster relationship with a younger guy. The problem wasn’t that he was younger (even though that did contribute to it). The problem was that he had a wandering eye and was a mama’s boy. Yawn! I really had a lot of feelings for him because we had a lot of adventures together- we traveled to Africa and Brazil and played music together. Plus he was really hot!

    But I always felt on edge with him. The alarm in my heart always screamed at me, “Not this narcissist!”

    I started off with feeling messages. It helped us to get closer, but I wasn’t circular dating so I always felt insecure about the other women he looked at. I finally completely took Rori’s advice and started circular dating with a vengance.

    I dumped that guy, but he still calls me all the time. Somehow we remained friends. He’s intrigued at this new me.

    That’s not the good news though. The awesome news is I met an awesome MAN who is completely ready to commit! He says he wants to give me everything I want, and I never even told him what I wanted. He figured it out on his own!

    YET, I am STILL circular dating while taking my time getting to know this man (we have been talking for almost a year) to make sure he is right for me.
    Circular dating makes desperation and neediness evaporate. Immediately.

    So ladies, when Rori says circular date, do it as a favor to yourself! Dating yourself is cool (I did it with the younger guy) but it won’t open up the possibility of really connecting with the right guy over coffee or a nice walk. Really have fun dating some guys! The quality of guys gets better as you go along and you’ll feel better about yourself in the long run.

    Keep up the awesome work Rori. You are truly a friend among women!

  41.  #41Tina on January 22, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Right away I noticed 1 1/2 yr. man’s truck in the drive thru coffee shop. I was about 5 cars behind, in my truck, truckman got me hehe whatever , anyway, 1 1/2 yr guy noticed me too, I tried to be cool, I was cool, I didn’;t know what to do, what to feel, I just know that the feelings I was feeling wasnt so intense as it was a few months ago. He got his coffee at the drive thru then parked along side the the drive thru doing something. I finally arrived at the window to take my order and he was still there, I was feeling kinda pissed off actually, I was thinking he was trying to rattle me. I left to go to the grocery store, he pulls in behind me, I park, I get out and stand there , wondering what to do, I start to freak out, I was not looking forward to running into him in the aisles, I watched him go in then I beat it , hehe, I went to another grocery store instead. I know I cant keep doing this but for now , I feel ok. I fixed him! didnt I?. I did say out loud in the truck, Thank you 1 1/2 yr guy for teaching me to love myself, I got your message!.

    I’m getting ready to go to a hockey game tonight again hehe. gotta love hockey! good time to practice tools. I bought a sporty new outfit to wear 🙂

  42.  #42Liz on January 22, 2010 at 10:08 am

    Such a great thread SS and Tingue! SS you’ve so eloquently captured where I am too with my new-post Toxic man. It feels comforting, and invigorating, to know my conflict over a great drama-free but fun but what-is-love-like new relationship is more universal. Cheers!

  43.  #43Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Here is a good example of what I was talking about before, and am still wondering how to handle:

    After a few days of me not initiating anything, and not hearing from him, he texts, “How are you?”

    I text back, “I feel very happy hearing from you. How are you?”

    He texts, “I am pretty well. Glad it’s the weekend.”

    My question: How do I respond to that???

    (Reminder: we have not yet met, live 700 miles apart, have been in contact for 5 months, plan to meet soon, have amazing dialogue and mutual affection, and BOTH of us prefer written communication – or in person – to phone.)

    So, how do I respond to “I am pretty well. Glad it’s the weekend” without Leaning Forward???

    Pre-Rori, I probably would have said something like, “Did you have a hard week?” But that’s wrong, right? But if he DID have a hard week, and wants to talk about it, I want to let him know I would be happy to listen.

  44.  #44Rori Raye on January 22, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Wow, lm, thank you for this incredibly powerful story – it shows exactly how circular dating can open up the conversation, keep you sane, help you see what really is true around you, and go deeper into the relationship. Love, Rori

  45.  #45Nancy on January 22, 2010 at 10:55 am


    I really appeciate this post. It’s helping me connect the dots and I feel very encouraged by hearing your experience!

  46.  #46Simply Shannon on January 22, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    I would consider his last statement as the end of the discussion. Just like in a normal face-to-face or phone conversation, we would pause and let the guy lead. if he wants to talk more, he will. Just so you know, I do this all the time too. Should I respond? Does he still want to talk? What if he’s waiting for me to say something else? Blah, blah, blah. For me, the feeling is fear. Fear that he won’t text or call me back if I don’t respond. In my head I know that’s crap but in my heart it’s hard to stop. In a perfect Rori world, I would stop thinking about a man as soon as he stopped engaging with me, but I’m just not that Rori-esque yet. 😉 So take a minute to feel what you’re feeling. Is it fear? is it anger? What is it you’re feeling? Then say “I love my feelings” (recent Rori tool).

    Scenarios like this one are the reason I don’t like using text messages as a conversation. I can’t see the person’s face or hear their tone. I can’t tell if someone is busy or distracted on the other end. It doesn’t feel real to me.

    I’ve had to reconsider my modes of communication with men. For me emailing and texting are ways of protecting myself from going deeper, from having a real-live interaction. In the past it felt easier to hide behind words because it gave me time to think about my answers, to fret and worry in order to craft the perfect reply. I’ve discovered that it’s okay to feel fear and not know what to say or to flub up royally. I’m a human being. I say silly things sometimes. I want a relationship with another imperfect human being, not a phone or an email address.


  47.  #47Daria on January 22, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Go Dee Dee!!

  48.  #48Turtle Girl on January 22, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Dee Dee-

    This man of yours sound just like one I used to have.

    He also smoked almost every day. Even though I am not against MJ specifically, and I think it is much safer than alcohol, ANY substance or behaivor can be used and abused as an addiction. If he is smoking P all the time, then he is an addict. If he wants sex every day, then he could be a sex addict as well. He is NOT in touch with his feelings and is using these things as an escape to not feel. He sounds wounded at the core. We as women can be attracted to the woundedness thinking that he will be safe and compassionate with us because often we are wounded as well. But that is not how it works.

    You hit the nail on the head-he IS acting very much like a fourteen year old boy. The attention from other women is like a fix, the MJ and sex is a fix. It is all about his own self esteem being in the toilet.
    REal grown up men do not behave this way. They do not need all sorts of fixes and substances to fill them up. They are mature, they have self respect.

    As much of a pill it is to swallow, when I was with those men, I had lots of work to do on ME. I hung out with them because I did not feel good about me. When you get to a point where they bore you or you are sick of their childish antics, you will know you are growing up and getting some self esteem. You will not longer be attracted to these kind of men (scared little boys). We can not be their mother or their therapist. As sad as it is, as tragic their lives are, they have to figure it out for themselves.

    A couple times out of frustration and as a parting shot across the bow-I have told men like this that they are childish, immature, and ridiculous and that they need to grow up and act like men. I have told them they they are out of touch with their feelings and must be really hurt by something that happened in their past. But I could only say this when I no longer cared about the outcome or felt invested in the relationship I had with them. Sad but true. Fear is a real wet blanket at times.

    One of them- thirteen years later told me he appreciated what I had said and it was the truth. But it took 13 years to even begin for him to change. He is now 60. So well, my question to you is, what do you really want for yourself? I had to ask that one. It is a tuffy. Not necessarily easily answered. Much love and hugs to you.
    Turtle Girl
    Taking it slow, but taking it

  49.  #49Daria on January 22, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    I feel jealous of going to Brazil and Africa! and playing music! I want to do all those things too!!


    Thank you

  50.  #50Daria on January 22, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    I would also like to add something i noticed in Rori’s stuff. Asking him within the same text, How are you? is putting the attention on him MUCH too quickly (I used to do this ALL THE TIME when i felt nervous with men, like guywhohadababy)

    they would call and really want to know how i am, leaning in and open to listen

    HI, Dee, how have you been?

    Me: Fine! Whatsup with YOU???

    UHOH!!!! I could FEEEL that pushing them away!!!

    so I get the feeling that’s whats going on here, and why the conversation is stalling.

    How about:

    him: how are you?

    you: I feel great! I feel excited to hear from you!

    HIm: more questions and convo about Goddess…

    Rori says to LATER later later, after he has satisfied his curiousity about our Goddess selves, if we are curious, to ask, and what about you… in a relaxed way

  51.  #51Turtle Girl on January 22, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Oh wow Simply Shanon-

    WHAT A QUESTION! What does love feel like? Pheeewww!!

    Ok- I am going to make a lame attempt to answer this one because I have been working on that for years and years.

    I believe that the chemistry we initially feel for a guy is partly biological. Mother nature equips us with all these chemicals that come out in our brains in order for us humans to mate. Pheromones, and all sorts of things are involved. The mating instinct is there intact even long after we hit middle age and have menopause or whatever.

    This is a great feeling and gets us together and is very necessary. I also think our family of origin and how we saw mom and dad interact together triggers certain types of “love” feelings that when we meet a man, we think “Oh, this feels like home”.

    Now, the icky part. “Home” could be very dysfunctional- i.e. we keep “loving” bad boys, emotional unavailable men, toxic men, or the like.

    So I had to retrain my brain and really get real about what real love is. After the chemical high goes away in a relationship-6 months to 3 years, then at that point love is A CHOICE. WE chose to stay, to explore, go deeper to be loving to the man.

    I look at my best freindships, male and female. They love me because:

    We can talk about anything
    They do not judge me for my feelings
    They do not criticize me for being a certain way
    They accept me as is, with all my faults.
    We laugh together.
    We help each other.
    We enjoy each others company.
    We listen to each other
    We encourage each other.
    We have empathy for one another
    We have compassion for one another
    We have fun together
    We share our hearts, our stories and our gifts and resources
    We are patient, kind and forgiving

    I could go on. All these things are part of love.
    The rest – selfishness, contempt, judgment, criticism, haughtiness, arrogance, ignorance, ignoring, hatefulness, inauthenticity, fear and the rest-that is not love. And that is what I often had in relationships with men. I learned it from my parents. I have had to re learn a different way. I want above all else in my life to become the most loving human being that I can be – and at the same time know my boundaries and not judge is someone does not want to go there with me. It is hard and I have had many setbacks and disappointments. But I keep going anyway.

    I love this prayer by St. Francis of Assisi:

    Lord, make me a channel of thy peace–that where there is hatred, I may bring love–that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness–that where there is discord, I may bring harmony–that where there is error, I may bring truth–that where there is doubt, I may bring faith–that where there is despair, I may bring hope–that where there are shadows, I may bring light–that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted–to understand, than to be understood–to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

    I also know that I can live this prayer without being a doormat and lying down and sacrificing myself at the ALTER OF HIM.

    Sorry this was so long.

    Love and blessings to all of you sirens on Siren Island :o)
    Turtle Girl

  52.  #52Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Dee Dee, I agree with Turtle Girl. I was married to a sex addict for 15 years and have gotten lots of counseling from an expert to help me understand what was/is going on with him. Obviously we cannot know for sure if your guy is an addict at this point, but it WOULD answer your questions and confusion: “So, if he is so attracted to me and wants to marry me why does he behave this way, even when I tell him how bad it makes me feel? Is this what I am to expect from other men as well? It feels really, really bad. I would prefer it if he said he didn’t want to marry me then his behavior would make sense.” His behavior “makes sense” within the context of addiction. Like Turtle Girl said, he is using mj and women to control and sedate his emotions because he never learned how to handle his emotions, and this behavior workds for him. My husband married me because he was attracted to me and knew I would be a “cover” for his addiction — marriage to me would make him look and feel “normal.” He could even have children and go to church with me, and feel good about it all. BUT all through our marriage and parenting, he was NEVER able to deal with normal conflict — he would have to go look at girls or whatever, to submerge the difficult emotions. He now admits that he realizes he deliberately picked the perfect wife for his addiction — a girl who was sexy and loved sex (he could also get aroused when he ogled other girls, then be with me), but who had low enough self-esteem that she would put up with his crap, and was enough of a “good girl” that she wouldn’t cheat on him.

    It is the same problem we have, really: controlling and sedating our painful emotions. We just use different things to control and sedate: over-eat, over-exercise, over-think, etc. That’s why what Rori is teaching is so wonderful — FEELING what we feel, instead of controlling and sedating what we feel. It is the only way to live and love.

    I felt “really really bad” in my situation as well, Dee Dee, and it took me a long time to believe that not all men were like that and would make me feel really bad. My friends and family told me not all men were like that, but HE kept telling me all men are just like him! Lol. Guess who I believed? Him! But not any more! 🙂

  53.  #53tinque on January 22, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Interesting Turtle Girl – I learned this poem differently, and for myself, I changed to whom it is addressed, and I added my own bit at the end:

    Shakti, Make me an instrument of thy peace.
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
    Where there is injury, pardon.
    Where there is doubt, faith.
    Where there is despair, hope.
    Where there is darkness, light.
    Where there is sadness, joy.
    And oh divine consciousness,
    let me not so much to seek to be consoled, as to console, to be understood, as to understand, to be loved, as to love.
    For it is in giving that we receive, it is in loving that we are loved, it is in dying to self that we are born to eternal light.
    For I am a divine creation of divine consciousness. I am truth. I am love. I am perfect just the way I am.

    I recite this poem to myself every night before I go to sleep.


  54.  #54Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Turtle Girl!!! I LOVE this!! I even sacrificed part of a tree to print it out! 🙂

    About the “home” thing: I found that I married someone who submerged his painful feelings, just like my mom did, and ended up treating me in ways that didn’t feel good, that were similar to my relationship with her.

    The psychological theory here is that we are trying to recreate that initial scenario with our parents and “make it right” this time, in relationship with a man, in order to heal our childhood wounds. But it doesn’t work.

    Interestingly, this time around, I find I am attracting men who are like my DAD! I always had a good relationship with my dad, so at first I thought this was a good thing. But I noticed I’m not crazy about these guys that remind me of him. In fact, one of them is downright getting on my nerves! So I asked myself why are they showing up? And I realized that I DO have some unresolved issues with my dad. They are mild, but still in need of healing. So, instead of attaching to these guys who remind me of dad, I am just letting the feelings from childhood rise to the surface — letting myself feel them fully, looking at them gently, and loving the little girl in me who felt them growing up, telling her that she made it through just fine and doesn’t need to hold on to the past.

    TN man, who I am most interested in, reminds me of NEITHER parent, and feels like all the things you described in your definition of real love. I feel safe with him, but I also feel excited and adventurous — he feels, not like “home” but like my heart’s home.

  55.  #55Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Thanks, Shannon and Daria! That is so helpful! Before you girls responded, I did get in touch with my feelings, and texted back: “I feel interested.”

    He texted, “In?”

    So I texted, “In anything you want to say – what your week was like, your plans for the weekend, how you are feeling – anything. :)”

    And he texted, “I am a little nervous. Have a court case I am preparing for.”

    I felt good about that. (Not about him being nervous, lol, but about how the convo went.)

    BUT. I can see that your ideas would probably work better. Shannon, in person, I probably could have just smiled when he said “Glad it’s the weekend,” so if that happens again I might try just texting a smiley face. And see what he does with THAT!!!

    Daria!! The whole thing about not saying “How are you?” in the same text would not have even occurred to me! But it’s brilliant! And, yes, I can see how that would stall the conversation — but that is counter-intuitive to me; I would think that asking HIM a question “how are you?” would help the convo to move forward. But I guess if *I* start moving the convo forward, then *I* have to keep it moving. So I shouldn’t even do that to begin with.

    Here is where the fear comes in though: we already talk about ME a lot. He likes talking about me. I feel afraid that if we always talk about me, he will get tired of me, bored, think I’m self-centered, think I don’t care about him and his feelings, activities, etc. What do you think? 🙂

  56.  #56Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    p.s. If I decide I would feel good about a phone call from him rather than texting, is there any way to tell him that without Leaning Forward?

  57.  #57Desi on January 22, 2010 at 3:36 pm


    Would you be willing to share more about your sex addicted ex husband? Was he addicted to sex or porn? What were the signs? What was he doing? Was he cheating on you? And how did you figure out he had an addiction?

  58.  #58Simply Shannon on January 22, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Turtle Girl: I’ts not too long! I loved it! Thank you for sharing! I love the prayer!!

    Okay, so here’s my weirdness coming out. I feel in love with the world. Like this one guy is a part of it all and my love covers him too. I love him but it’s just so different than what I pictured as “love”. And I’m a big chicken right now because even writing “I love him” feels so freaky! But I do. He’s this incredible human being, unique and perfectly him. I dunno. The more I’ve been thinking about him and how I feel when I’m with him, it’s just crazy. I love him for who he is. Could we be more? Could we grow into something more? I think those answers are yes. I’m not hung up on him, but it just feels fascinating to me to have these thoughts without the fear that normally goes along with my version of “love”. It won’t kill me to love him. It won’t devastate my world to love him and maybe lose him one day. A part of me believes that is crazy and another part of me believes that is exactly the rockstar Rori would dream for all of us to be.

    I am in love with myself tonight. I’m in love with the fact that I can love much bigger than I dreamed. I feel smiley. I feel happy. I feel capable and strong and NOT afraid. My boundaries are solid. I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m not willing to sacrifice my grace and joy for any one man.

    Fascinating! The night is young, and Mr. Fab Kisser is headed over! 😉 I wish you all a blessed evening!


  59.  #59Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Desi, I feel happy to share more if it can help someone. I feel a little nervous about it, though, too, because this whole area can be a trigger for some women. (It was for me, for a long time.) I don’t want to upset people or argue with people about it. 🙂

    So, with fear and trembling: He is addicted to sex in many of its manifestations, not primarily porn, although he does use porn at times as part of his larger sex addiction. What were the signs? I did not see any obvious outward signs that he was addicted, although in hindsight, I realized that I felt just like Dee Dee described — when I was with him around other women, I would feel all his energy flow away from me and toward the other women. For many years, he wanted sex all the time, which I was quite happy with. But eventually he didn’t want sex with me at all, which felt really bad, and I didn’t know why. He began to withdraw emotionally, and stayed on the road longer and longer (truck driver). I tried to figure out what was wrong, asked him, suggested counseling, etc. I had no idea what was really going on, never imagined anything like sex addiction (hadn’t even heard of it), never imagined he might be cheating. We were both Christians, and I didn’t know Christians did stuff like that, so it didn’t occur to me. (naive, yes. 🙂 ) I honestly didn’t think he was cheating, but that was the way it FELT to me. It was the best way to describe how I felt at the time, so I told him that: “Are you having an affair or something, because it feels like you must be because it doesn’t bother you at all that there’s nothing between us. It feels like you must have something else fulfilling you.” I was puzzled. He, of course, said, “No, I’m not having an affair.”

    A few days later, before I went to bed, I prayed, “God, if this is all MY fault, please show me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it.” That night I had vivid dreams about him doing various things that had never crossed my waking mind: buying porn, frequenting sex shop booths, interacting with prostitutes, going to strip clubs, massage parlors, etc. I woke up, and a “voice” inside my head said, “This is real, this is true.”

    I told him what I had dreamt, and about the voice. He said “That’s ridiculous.” He denied it all. But my gut kept telling me not to let it go. Over the next few weeks, with me hounding him, he started admitting one small thing at a time, denying the rest of it until later, when he would admit another thing, etc. I did not handle any of it well. I was just absolutely in shock. There was so much anger, yelling, pain, sobbing, etc. It was horrible. I made so many mistakes, and am just finally healing from the guilt of my mistakes and how they affected all of us, especially our precious kids.

    I held on for a long time, hoping for “recovery” for him and restoration for our marriage. It was not to be. He was not interested in changing, although he pretended a few times. So I got help for myself. I thought I would never be able to go on and have a happy life. It was February 10, 2001, when I had that dream. Now I am very happy, my kids are doing well, and I finally believe I may find a reasonably healthy man to love, who loves me.

    Now that I have let him go, and am loving myself, and circular dating, he is quite interested in me. I have let him take me out to dinner a couple times, and he bought me a leather jacket for Christmas after I mentioned that I always wanted one! He wants to know if I put a spell on him — he says I seem magnetized. I just laugh and enjoy his company when it is enjoyable, but I know he still is addicted. I don’t talk to him about it, because there is nothing I can do about it. I love him as a human being, that’s all. I am not interested in a romantic relationship with him — I am moving on, taking care of myself.

  60.  #60Daria on January 22, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    ouch. dying to self =(

    boo hoo i feel no me gusta

    i feel misunderstood and misunderstanding

    i feel receiving and sharing and growing and expanding

    and loving and living to self

  61.  #61Turtle Girl on January 22, 2010 at 5:48 pm


    Your revamp of the Assisi prayer is great. I am not of the Christian faith so “lord” doesn’t work for me either, but it does not matter. The message is the same. The universal love of the divine that is in all of us and can be accessed in dealing with others. That is how I see it. And the part about dying to self is not the same thing as putting others needs first and not taking care of yourself. That part can be hard to understand if one does not understand what that means. I think that all great universal truths are actually paradoxes. Is Shakti as in Shakti Gawain? Or?

    I think that is awesome you say this as your nightly poem/prayer.

    Turtle Girl

  62.  #62Desi on January 22, 2010 at 6:16 pm


    Wow! good for you for finding your way through that and moving on to a happy life for you and your children! And thank you for sharing your story.

    I was curious, because my ex, who recently suggested we get back together, always seemed “off” to me in the sexual department. Sex between us was about once a week and my advances were always turned down. It only happened when he wanted it. I also had a feeling that he was finding his fulfillment somewhere else. I do know for a fact that he was using porn daily, but was never able to confirm anything else happening such as cheating or strip clubs.

    I do still care for him very much, and miss him. So there is a part of me that would like to see us work out someday. But there is also a fear in me that he could possibly have a sex addiction so I’m unsure of how to handle this fear that I have. Or if I should even bother considering the possibility of us getting back together.

  63.  #63Lisa on January 22, 2010 at 7:14 pm


    Thank you for sharing about your revelatory dream. A similar thing happened to me. I woke up after a distressed night (so many of them were), and I just knew. I saw it all, and it has been substantiated.

    S. Shannon,

    Thanks for sharing that “Fear felt like love” — that so resonates with me. So it is hard to know what real love, un-fraught love, feels like, esp. when one has been an overfunctioner and controller. What do real men do? I come back to Rori’s question: Do you feel good in his presence? That is a great and simple question.

    Turtle said women can be attracted to woundedness when we see ourselves there. So as we recover, pathologies won’t look so appealing anymore. (I’m looking forward to this shift.)

    I also liked this:

    “FEELING what we feel, instead of controlling and sedating what we feel.”

  64.  #64Melanie on January 22, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Desi, I would feel good about following my heart and my gut feelings (if I could separate them from the fear). Some women are able to remain in relationship with sex addicts as they work through recovery, and can actually be a good support to the man. It is very tricky, however, because so much of what comes naturally to the woman actually makes the addiction worse (codependency in all its forms), so you would have to both work with a therapist who specializes in sex addiction (or at least addiction). If you suspect he is addicted, you can tell him your fear, especially since he suggested you get back together. He may be willing to do the work. Your boundaries would have to be very strong. You mentioned you know he was using porn daily. That would feel really awful to me, and be a red flag for me regarding addiction, but there are other women who feel okay with that, especially if their own sexual needs are being met.

    I would feel afraid and uncertain, too, in your situation, and feel torn with my feelings of affection for him. 🙁

    I just reread your post. If he was using porn daily AND turning down your advances, most likely he was “taking care of himself,” if you know what I mean, using the porn images. To me, that is tantamount to cheating because his sexual connection with the women in the porn is replacing his sexual relationship with you. That is the way I feel about it, but other women feel differently. If he is addicted and succeeds in recovery, this would change for the better. I believe that anyone can change, but they have to WANT to change. And I believe that everyone deserves love, including our exes. I like this quote by Michael Brown: “Any act that is not an act of unconditional love, is a cry for unconditional love.” In my case, I am able to love my ex more fully by NOT being married to him.

  65.  #65DeeDee on January 22, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Hello Ladies
    Wasn’t sure where to respond..I hope this spot is okay..

    Thank you Turtle Girl, Melanie, Dorothea and Daria for your loving and HONEST support.

    While I am reeling from looking at the past 5+ years thru new eyes, I am feeling excited to the bone! Addiction is what I have suspected all along. There were even weirder and crazier behaviors that I haven’t even mentioned, too embarrassing 🙁
    I KNEW something wasn’t right, that there was something VERY WRONG going on, but of course I tried to talk to HIM about it. That is like a chicken in a coop trying to talk the fox circling the coop out of eating it. I would talk and reason and explain and he would continue to talk me into believing him, into opening the gate to the coop…”come on little chicken, I won’t eat you. Look at me I am a harmless, cute and trustworthy little creature, not a fox at all.” “But you look like a fox and smell like a fox and behave like a fox.” “Oh, no I am not a fox. You hurt me so much little chicken when you don’t trust me, poor me, don’t you care that I am out here sad and lonely. And you hurt me when you accuse me of such dastardly deeds. You are a heartless and cruel chicken.” Ah, the guilt card… and thus the game goes on and on.

  66.  #66Nancy on January 22, 2010 at 10:17 pm


    I also loved reading about your inspired dreaming. My ex-husband of 3 years is also a sexual addict and there were no real outward red flags. My discovery of it totally started with a dream! Trying to dispel what the dream told me, I started poking around a bit, only to find that my dream was right on. Only there was a lot more going on than I dreamt. A couple of months after the dream I found a woman’s thong in our garage. Right out on the tool bench! I called his ex-wife, who demurely told me that he had had an affair with a stripper he picked up at a homeless shelter while they were married. He told her they could talk about it for an hour and then never again and she remained married to him for years after that. I pinned him down shortly after this and he told me he had had 8-9 affairs during their marriage. I assumed he was minimizing. He also told me that he “had not had a prostitute in his life since he met me.” Wow, way to sweep me off my feet! I told him it was therapy or bust and though we went to therapy, he never would admit there was a problem. He stuck with “everyone does it” and “go find a gay man!” So I divorced him. Sad, but true. Sexual addiction is a huge issue these days and not many of us know much about it. Had it been DV, or substance abuse I would have recognized it – I’m a social worker, but this I had never come across or heard of. It certainly did rock my world.

    Nice sharing with you about it!

  67.  #67Daria on January 22, 2010 at 10:26 pm


    Yay I feel glad you like it.!

    Ps – I have been trying out smily faces and short answers this past week (rori suggested that before I think) for answers and I liked it!

    What I do when I no longer text and would prefer a phone call is say so.

    I don’t really feel like texting right now, it would feel cool to talk on the phone.

  68.  #68Daria on January 22, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Melanie – about talking about YOU. I think you’re feeling insecure a little bit (normal) because you’re RECEIVING attention. Practice telling yourself you’re a Goddess, calming your nasty voices, and knowing you are worth it! That’s what the purpose of it is for!!! hehe

    there are also times to ask questions (new thing for me to practice this month), when I FEEL CURIOUS !!! (NOT when i feel insecure)

  69.  #69Callista on January 23, 2010 at 7:03 am

    Hello sirens…
    Laying in bed last night it hit me… Love is certainly not a problem for me. I joke with my friends that I could fall in love with a rock if it looked at me the right way! I give my love freely to anyone and everyone, and it doesn’t bother me if it’s not returned… It feels good to give it. So I am not going to worry about what love feels like, because I can give it, I can create those feelings of love and even feelings of attraction. (The person I had the most intense fireworks with was someone who I initially thought was creepy but the intensity came from how much HE wanted ME, not anything from my end… just like Rori says…)

    SO my big revelation is… I just need to make sure I feel comfortable and good with a man, and pay attention to his behavior and if his energy is coming towards me (forget about what he’s saying, most of the time guys feed me a bunch of lines anyway)… if he proves himself with his behavior, the love will come!

    Wow, I’m learning so much… by paying attention to my feelings and where they are in my body I can separate compassion, sympathy, passion, tenderness, etc. out (they were all a jumbled mess before) and that has actually FREED me so I can give love unconditionally to everyone and everything and not worry about it coming back or not… Because I trust myself! I trust myself to say NO to a situation that is not good for me, despite what feelings I may have! I can still like a person but at the same time not accept certain behaviors and choose not to see that person again… And it’s not a form of punishment, it’s just saying no, I deserve better… and by still allowing myself to feel good about the person I can feel my energy shifting… this is what Rori is talking about not falling into a negative point of view about any particular man…

    Gee this sounds like a mess, like I’m not making sense, sorry about this, it’s just that a lot of what Rori has been teaching kind of fell into place for me… I feel like I GET it, it feels good! I feel POWERFUL! I know that my big heart and ability to see value in everyone could make me vulnerable (and open to a world of hurt), but I love that ability in myself, and no matter how many times I’ve been hurt it hasn’t gone away and I keep going and hoping… And now I feel like it’s OK, it’s great I have that ability, I don’t have to stop! Now that I have boundaries and the ability to see a situation for what it is, and rules for myself, and standards for what I will and won’t accept, this suddenly feels EASY! I am FREE to enjoy, to love – the man, myself in his presence, the coffee mug, the tree, the rock – and just be… and just see what he’ll do… I’m a bit overwhelmed with the amount of love I feel right now, for myself, for the universe, for my family and friends, for men, for my fellow sirens, for Rori who made it all possible…

  70.  #70Jennifer on January 23, 2010 at 7:19 am

    ok Here’s a question I feel a little bit bad asking but I can’t find it anywhere else so here goes (if it’s been asked I would LOVE if someone would point it out)
    What is the best way to start getting more “quality” men to contact me on the online dating site?
    I’m on POF. My profile is full of feeling messages and the pic I have up is the one I have for my gravitar here.
    The men who message me (and I feel judgemental but this is the truth) seem to all be semi-illiterate.
    Is there a vibe thing?
    How do we correct that?

  71.  #71Jennifer on January 23, 2010 at 7:26 am

    Holy CRAP…here’s an article written from a man’s prospective. It’s Rori all over…just HAD to share it.
    It basically get him to commit…look after yourself and get a life!

  72.  #72Lori on January 23, 2010 at 7:31 am


    I was on POF and had the same experience there. I don’t feel like it’s your vibe, I feel like it’s the kind of men that site attracts. I feel a bit bad because I feel like I’m being judgmental and stereotyping, but perhaps because it’s a free site or because it’s alot quicker and easier to sign up there as opposed to say EHarmony where you have to answer 1,000 questions before your profile is done? I’m not sure the reason, but I do feel like there are different types of men on different sites.

    I’ve been on several sites over the years and my personal experience has been that I’ve had the best luck with the men on EHarmony and and the worst with the men on POF, and Just my own personal experience.

  73.  #73tinque on January 23, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Daria – this refers to the “ego” self, not the heart and core self. Turtle Girl explained it well.
    Shakti as in the Hindu goddess. It could be Shakti Gawain. I’ll check into it.

  74.  #74Aminata on January 23, 2010 at 9:40 am

    What dating site are you on? I feel like it makes a big difference most of the time. is better than OK Cupid and OK Cupid is better than Craigslist. Also, posting a pic of you with a lot of light around you and a big smile might help. I found that brighter pics attracted better guys.

    Plus there are some lazy guys online, it may not be you at all! Good job putting yourself out there!

  75.  #75Jennifer on January 23, 2010 at 9:58 am

    hey guys.
    I actually found a guy that I was interested in on POF.
    I may have done a bad thing and leaned forward and contacted him the first time but it felt good.
    Just a brief message that said basically “I feel we may have some things in common, drop me a line if you agree”
    We shall see.

  76.  #76Nancy on January 23, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Hi Jennifer,

    I’ve met some great men on POF. I’ve also been on EHarmony, and a couple of other specific interest sites. What I like about POF (Plenty of Fish) is that it’s quick to find dates, the contact is just more direct and I found I got many more dates than I did on EHarmony… in fact, I only made it through that process with one man and actually met him. I like the IDEA of EHarmony matching, but found it slow going. When circular dating, I like to actually get going and get out there. I enjoyed all my dates but 2 on POF (and went on perhaps 40) until I fell into the GF Trap with my current man. When I go back to online dating, I’ll be doing both types of sites again.

    Just my 2 cents!

  77.  #77Nancy on January 23, 2010 at 12:52 pm


    I LOVE this!!! Thank you for sharing it!

  78.  #78Nancy on January 23, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I find this to be a dilemma, too. I’ve had men become serious enough to want a relationship with me (a dating relationship) both when I’ve contacted them first and when they’ve contacted me first. It does feel like leaning forward, but there is no way to make eye contact and smile and count to 5 to signal openess on a dating site!
    I’ve tried just winking, or putting them on my favs. I guess, with all my experimenting, I’ve found that it has worked just about any way I’ve tried it. Just viewing a profile on most sites alerts a man that you’ve at least been interested enough to look (the “who has viewed me” feature is on most sites). I dunno, it all feels like a big guessing game to me.

    Rori, I’d love to hear from you about what is the best way to flirt online!

  79.  #79Lisa on January 23, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Thanks for sharing that article, Jennifer.

  80.  #80Jennifer on January 23, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    it just seems so relevant. And there’s nothing like the info from the horse’s mouth!

  81.  #81Nancy on January 23, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Loved it, thanks for posting. It made me laugh and realize again that it’s really better to know if you’re with a man who doesn’t want to marry you than to go on in the relationship feeling afraid to find out or because you don’t feel like facing it. It is far better to dwell in reality!

    “Signs He’s About To Propose” was fun, too.

  82.  #82Nancy on January 23, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    My guy seems very busy these days… busy disqualifying himself!

  83.  #83Nancy on January 23, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Thanks again, Jennifer! Reading that made me feel even more confident that the vacation I’m taking next week without my man is the best thing I can be doing for myself right now.

    Ok, I’ll stop now. lol

  84.  #84Jennifer on January 23, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    hey Nancy.
    I was pretty happy to get to read it myself. Lately the love department has been a bit dry for me but the article reminded me that I haven’t really been taking very good care of myself and my life has been a bit thin and boring.
    It’s funny how the universe will send us reminders about what we need to do if we are willing to listen.

  85.  #85christina on January 23, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I don’t know if I have a question. But in the past couple of years I have had feelings for a man with mixed results from him. I think I was pretty restrained, though he’s an easy person to make excuses for. He’s very shy, and doesn’t seem very experienced with women. I didn’t phone him unless it was about something specific that we were working on. But I think he knew I liked him.

    We worked on something together for awhile, in the end I felt quite hurt because he abandoned me at a critical point. I wish we’d never entered into that project. But I’ve done my best to separate from that whole thing.

    In the fall he told me he was going across the country for a few months. I saw him today, though, he had changed his mind it seems. An acquaintance of ours came up, and there was a strange vibe between us.

    When she left I thought for a minute, and finally just asked him if he was seeing her. He said “not really, we’ve just been hanging out.”

    The funny thing is I had a feeling more than a month ago that was happening, for reasons I won’t go into. I don’t regret asking him, for so long things have been unspoken.

    I can’t stop feeling like a loser. I don’t think I could have done anything different. There was a connection between us but he didn’t want to pursue it. I can see him getting involved with this woman, but I can’t help feeling like, why not me? Why has my timing never been good. But why wouldn’t he want her? If things are easy. And she’s nice, and funny, and has all kinds of attractive qualities. I think he’d be crazy to not pursue it.

    The problem is, I don’t feel better by going out and seeing men. I feel better by retreating into myself till I feel independent again. I so hate the feeling of feeling attached to a man who just doesn’t think I’m suitable. It’s not because they’re inherently noncommital, the timing just never seems to be in my favour. Yet I see women go out and grab what they want. I’ve never been like that, and I don’t think I ever will be.

    I know I won’t get over this soon. For more than a year, I feel such yearning, I fight every day to focus on myself.

    Even just asking him outright was such a relief. And to get a straight answer, or at least as straight as the situation called for. But the writing was on the wall wasn’t it. He said he was going across country, never did, and I haven’t been in touch for long enough i didn’t even know what he was doing.

    I hasten to add, he had no reason to beat me off with a stick. I think his plans really are that up in the air. But i think the chance of hooking up with this woman probably made our town look more appealing to him.

    i live in a small town, that’s part of the problem. How i hate the prospect of fighting over a man. but for a while i felt willing to open myself up, and now again I think, oh that just hurts too much. to always be the one looking on. like my job is to help other people get together, simply by raising his self esteem, or increasing his value in someone’s eyes. Do we never grow out of it.


  86.  #86Nita on January 23, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Hi Rori, thank you for your programs. I had my heart broken and it has taken me a while to “recover.” I have been listening to the toolkit program and I have been working on connecting with my feelings. I have a “concern” however and I wanted to know your insight. Ok, so I have noticed that sometimes I retrace myself to bad memories of a past relationship and think about them and then I start to feel hurt, sad, lost, humiliated, etc. all over again, like if it happened yesterday, although the events happened a year ago. Is this good or bad? I thought it was good because it was helping me retrieve my feelings, but then Im thinking its bad because its “forcing” myself to these feelings again instead of moving forward. Im confused about this habit, is it helping me be in touch with feelings that I am still trying to get over? Or am I doing harm to myself on purpose? Im feeling confused about why I do this and I feel like Im overanalyzing feelings! I dont know if this makes sense. what are your thoughts Rori, and anyone too

  87.  #87Maria on January 24, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Hi, how do you log in to POF, l have tried recent 1 h 45 min, and its absolutely impossible – l have created absolutely ridiculous names so far and always either lm typing worng the letters on the security box or the username is already been taken….

  88.  #88Jennifer on January 24, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I’m not sure what the issue is Maria…I just use the user name and password I made up when I signed up.
    Did you use capitals on any of the letters? Did you add numbers?

  89.  #89Maria on January 24, 2010 at 11:17 am

    Hi Jenny, l did use many combinations, but none of them worked. (l try to create an account there). Lets see, l make a little tea break, and then try on:) the site does look pretty active.

  90.  #90Melanie on January 24, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Thanks, Daria. I have been realizing the past couple days that I really do feel like I don’t deserve to have a wonderful man in my life. In fact, yesterday my sex addict ex-husband told me he is now in love with me, wants to be my soul mate, and wants to get back together (shocking things to hear from him!) — and my reaction is: sadness and guilt and a feeling that I “should” go back to him because he was my husband and the father of my children, and who am I to want more than what he can give me? When I told him I was seeing other guys he felt sad and jealous and his face looked so sad and pathetic that I felt HORRIBLE! I felt like I needed to give him what he wants to make him feel better! I feel responsible for his unhappiness. I do want so much more for myself, but am feeling that that is selfish and wrong and I should go back to my original husband, who claims he will NOW be faithful to me because NOW he is in love with me and wants to be my soul mate. I feel like I have no right to find another man when he is basically saying he will fix everything that was wrong before.

    But it feels like such a sinking in my heart. Like, oh, no, I don’t want this. I want something BETTER than this.

  91.  #91Brenda on January 24, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    hi rori and ladies,

    i’m the recording artist that just moved in with my parents in Idaho from The SF Bay area. I posted about my relationship with one of my producers in NYC. I realized this morning that I was afraid to relinquish control in our work together…he’s working really hard on a publishing deal our work is a part of, which I did not know what exactly he was doing so last night I emailed him and told him I want to know what is going on and that I reserve the right to remix, produce, etc., on my own and he went through the roof. He is SO MAD at me and told me that I hurt the people that love me…I did not in any way shape or form mean to hurt him and now I realize it was fear in the way I approached the topic and that I need to trust him and let him do it as he sees fit, since it is his record label…I want to give up control, it doesn’t feel good or right and at least I have gleaned that insight. He said, fine, TAKE IT BACK I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE, for the particular song I was asking about, and he was soooooo mad last night. But, he did mention about performing our other release in Miami in March, so he did not break things off with me, business and I know he still loves me but he is really pissed off. I just told him “I feel sad about this” and that I really did still want him to produce it but I will accept whatever decision he makes…I really do feel sad but I’m OK…and moving forward I want to trust him fully and I hope I have not done irreversible damage…that is what is bothering me. I’m not going to email or call him and give him space to cool off. I’m going to call a friend of mine, we did the Sterling Women’s Weekend together (similar to stuff you teach) and get some support. I need to finish reading your ebook, too!

  92.  #92orchard on January 24, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Hi Nita
    Not sure if this is right but here’s a few thoughts.
    Your feelings of sadness and pain are real – you really did experience these in those old relationships. And its OK to feel them and acknowledge them from time to time. I think that Rori says we can thank our amazing bodies for the depth and breadth of all the feelings we are capable of having. These feelings and the experiences that came with them can give us compassion and understanding for others too.
    But in my experience I can also disable myself if I just wallow endlessly in feelings of misery. For me, its better to “touch and go”. Not to discount them or ignore them but to feel them deeply and then try and put my energy somewhere else for a while. To get out of my head and into some action or distraction.
    Otherwise sometimes it becomes impossible to get out of bed and those children still need to be fed and watered! xx

  93.  #93Jodi on January 24, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    I need HELP! I am a 41 year old professionally employed woman who got out of a 4 year relationship just prior to walking down the aisle in what would have certainly been a huge mistake. I started online dating and met a couple of guys, one of whom is why I am writing today.

    Paul and I started chatting and chatted for hours. We texted, phoned and against my better judgement I met him and his children. I should have ran away after that, but of course I didn’t. He told me that his ex had broken his heart when she left him for another man and that I “scared” him because of the intensity of the feelings he was having for me. He lives about an hour away and right from the start came up with all kinds of excuses as to why we couldn’t meet. When we did meet he would be nervous and really sweet but nothing physical. He led me to believe he was still working on getting over his wife and I thought it was sweet that he was so committed to her.

    Fast forward 5 months, we’re still talking all the time (at least 2 times per day) and texting up to 100 times per day when out of the blue he calls me to tell me that he’s been seeing a woman for the past 3 months and he cheated on her and got caught and she sent a message to all of his facebook friends about what a dog he is. I get mad, but ultimately forgive him and try to deal with the anger I have over the deceit. When I ask him why he didn’t tell me he said that he didn’t want to ruin what we had and that he holds our friendship dear to his heart. I bought it (hard to believe I’m a university educated professional hey) and decided to stick by his side throughout it. A couple of weeks later I take our relationship to the next step and sextext with him. We end up flirting pretty heavy, phone sex and ultimately I make the one hour drive, check into a motel and we have sex at 4am. He is racked with guilt and he tells me that it can’t happen again until he knows what he wants. I agree but at every turn he’s bringing up sex and introducing it. We get back to flirting, meet for lunch and don’t touch each other but then he sends me this message at 9pm that he’s literally pacing because he can’t get me out of his mind. I give in, drive half way to meet him, check into a hotel and we have sex again. The next morning he sends me this text that it can never happen again and that he almost got physically sick after because he feels so guilty and so confused about what he wants. For a change, I tell him to get his head out of his butt (I was a little blunter than that) and to realize that it’s not guilt over sex but guilt over moving on. I don’t hear from him for the rest of the day and then I get a text thanking me for not ditching him…..yet.

    The texting continues and the flirting continues and then he tells me that he’s coming to town to see some friends and I outright ask him if he is going to see me to which he replies no. I flat out tell him that I am angry, that I am the best thing that ever almost happened to him and that I may not be around when he is finally ready to commit.

    My problem = I can’t get him off my mind. He is all I think about. I find myself doing things I would never do for any other man and as much as I read the advise I just can’t seem to move on. I know what you’re all going to say – don’t walk, RUN away but that’s easier said than done. How can I find out if he truly is messed up and has feelings for me or if he is using me? Any comments would be appreciated.

  94.  #94Rori Raye on January 24, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Christina, here’s the deal: What has to happen here is that you don’t get your good feelings from outside yourself – from a man. You are totally dead-on when you say you need to feel independent again, but your way of doing it simply won’t work. Retreating only says to your brain that you are “weak.” And going out “searching,” as if you are in NEED of something, gives your brain and body that same “weak” feeling. That’s why Circular Dating works. It’s not about “grabbing” men. It’s not about anything except PRACTICING. It’s about discovering your true strength, your fun, your fire, your independence, your diva-ness, in the PRESENCE of a MAN. You start with men you don’t care about, and you work your way up to gorgeous men who scare you. You LEARN by letting your ‘boy” energy get you out there so that your “girl” can practice receiving, just being, and loving herself. Love, Rori

  95.  #95Rori Raye on January 24, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Jodi, Welcome, and because you are a university educated professional, I’m going to get tough here and ask the obvious question “What are you DOING?”!!! Drop him immediately. Stop talking to him, texting him, ANY contact. He’s sucking your energy, and you’re letting it happen. You consider yourself a tit for men, and you’re going to run yourself dry. You are throwing yourself under his bus (and I’m guessing, there have been many men’s buses you’ve thrown yourself under over the years). STOP!!! And stop selling yourself the ridiculous bill of goods that you can’t get over him. He is messed up, and it doesn’t matter if he has feelings for you. He’s a narcissist, a close to sociopath, and YES – he is USING you! Please, Please get my Toxic Men program, after the ebook of course – and you’ll start to understand and FIX what’s happening here in your life. This is just one instance in what is a pattern of toxicity for you. You are so worth so much more than this!!! You are a goddess!!! We’ll all help you get a sense of yourself back…All my love to you, and hope this kind of tough love is what you need right now.

  96.  #96Rori Raye on January 24, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Brenda, What you’re dealing with here is amazingly delicate – and I’d like to jump off of it into a post. You are working with a man, who is in a position to help you in a business sense, and you are also romantically involved. This requires switching hats on a majestic level. It’s so easy to go girl when you need to be in your boy, and go boy when you need to be in your girl – and what happens then is we go bitchy and diva-ish and upset and do drama (I’m not saying you’ve done that – it seems to me you’ve handled this very, very well – but that’s usually the direction we’re pulled in, so you’re doing AMAZING). Some of this is legal – contract negotiation, control and salary – and some of this is personal…First and foremost – when a man gets MAD – it’s not the horrible thing we think it is. You don’t need to backtrack or backpeddle – you need to get clear on what you want and what you’re trying to communicate — I really recommend writing this all down, and seeing if you can separate out the business from the romance…That alone might help you. Right now, so many women are working in business with their husbands. This kind of thing is crucial to make all the parts of your life work the best they can. Love, Rori

  97.  #97Nita on January 24, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    Thank you so much for your response, i agree that its ok to feel the feelings but then to put my energy elsewhere. i think i need to continue to work on compassion for myself, and to not beat myself up about the past situations. im getting better at it, but now the feelings have moved from anger and resentment to the sadness that i lost something (him) even though it was not a good relationship. it was the right choice. thank you for your input

  98.  #98Brenda on January 24, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    Thank you Rori! I emailed him today and just said that I sincerely apologized for handling it the way I did (I was a little bitchy, but not bad) and that I just wanted to tell him that and that I’m gonna leave him alone (since he asked me to) and concentrate on my other projects (I work with several other record labels) but something told me it was appropriate to apologize. He wrote me back and said something to the effect “i love you and i’m very easily insulted by you.” i take that to mean when i don’t let him do things all his way he gets insulted…BUT, tonight, he called me from Chicago and was as sweet as pie…sent me FIVE new tracks to work on and got right back to talking about touring the major cities, etc. You are right…I just wasn’t clear and I was mad that he wasn’t telling me what he was doing. So, I started waffling on him producing it…but, I know what I want, I want him to produce I just need to ask directly what he is doing with my work, which he has now told me. I’m going to continue to follow your advice, stay clear and separate the roles as much as possible. We were laughing and having great communication again..I’m going to hold onto that vision.

  99.  #99orchard on January 25, 2010 at 1:22 am

    Does this mean that when a man is furious we don’t have to take it too seriously? My husband is so angry with me that things haven’t worked out as he thought they would, ie when he left he imagined all our teenagers would skip happily down the road after him whereas they are all mad as hell and don’t want to see him (at the moment). Rather than accepting he didn’t handle things well and being accepting of where they are at, he is projecting all his frustration on me and becoming increasingly angry. I had a dream last night that enormous dangerous waves were threatening to engulf me and the children.
    Do I not have to feel concerned about his anger?
    How do I defuse it so that he has a chance to look at the situation more calmly and see that we are all just trying to survive in an incredibly complex and difficult situation?
    Does anyone have any ideas????
    xxx Thank you

  100.  #100orchard on January 25, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Does this mean that when a man is furious we don’t have to take it too seriously? My husband is so angry with me that things haven’t worked out as he thought they would, ie when he left he imagined all our teenagers would skip happily down the road after him whereas they are all mad as hell and don’t want to see him (at the moment). Rather than accepting he didn’t handle things well and being accepting of where they are at, he is projecting all his frustration on me and becoming increasingly angry. I had a dream last night that enormous dangerous waves were threatening to engulf me and the children.
    Do I not have to feel concerned about his anger?
    How do I defuse it so that he has a chance to look at the situation more calmly and see that we are all just trying to survive in an incredibly complex and difficult situation?
    Does anyone have any ideas????
    xxx Thank you

  101.  #101orchard on January 25, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Sorry, a double post.
    I get confused where to post!

  102.  #102Linda on January 25, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Hi. I was reading your questions and following comments. POF is an interesting site. I have good experience overall. I was on match and eharmony early last year. Eharmony was a complete bust for me and I was unwilling to continue to pay for a service that yeiled not one conversation with any man in 3 months. Match.. a 6 month stent on there yeiled a few conversations. When I found POF (thru a suggestion from someone here on this blog) I found that most the men on match were on match and POF was free. POF became my circular dating pond. (LOL)

    I recently signed up with in my area. There are so many events going on in my city. I met one man I saw for about 5 weeks at one of those. I did find that there were more women than guys out there though. I did have lots of fun with it and the activities vary. It built confidence in me… just went knowing no one.

    The man I am with now… I contacted him first on POF. I dont think that intial contact is a problem, the challange for me in leaning back comes later. I am a go after what I want kinda gal…. I still am now my mode of opperendum is different.

    In my year of meeting and dating men from POF last year, I had lots of men that contacted me that I never responded to. After a while you can get a good sense of their attitude, mentality, intelligence levels just from an inital contact. I am not trying to sound judgemental at all, just stating the facts of what I found.


  103.  #103tinque on January 25, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Forgive me Orchard, for I’m not remembering your entire story and couldn’t find it when I went to search. I’m hoping I remember enough.
    It’s not that your husband’s anger is to be ignored. It all depends on how it makes YOU feel. If it’s upsetting you, then you need to say so. “I’m feeling unsafe, scared,” or whatever it is you are feeling.
    I remember you are having difficulties with him, but I don’t remember if you still want him.
    If you do and this this thing he’s going through could very well just be something difficult he’s enmeshed in, mid-life crisis, work issues, something else, then as much as you can keep your worried, anxious energy off of him. It will only add to his stress. Keep your heart as open and inviting as you can so that when he’s ready, he will feel safe to come to you. Pour love all over yourself as often and as much as you are able.
    You must still let him know how his anger is making you feel though.
    I hope this helps.

  104.  #104Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 8:17 am

    I realize this is a dumb question but I have never dealt with this before….

    Could someone please explain the concept of lust to me? It seems the relationship started out as love, had problems, broke up, got back together again still dating others to keep options open but having exclusive sex. Here we are a little over a year since we started having sex again and now I’m told it is lust? Communicates every day, sees me outside of the sex, always initiated by him.

    I need to know what to look for in the future so I do not find myself in this situation ever again!

  105.  #105candace on January 25, 2010 at 8:23 am

    I found out yesterday that he went to see an old girlfriend on his christmas trip to his mothers. His seven yr old son told me. I believed him when he said he wasn’t going to see her. I really think I am addicted to him and I simply can not quit cold turkey. Why is that? Why can’t I just move on and realize the he will always lie to me and think that it is okay? Why don’t I think I can do better and I deserve better? Why am I even considering hanging on to him? I don’t understand myself? I want to move on but everything in me wants him to make this better and ask me to stay. Please help me.

  106.  #106tinque on January 25, 2010 at 8:24 am

    Sherry – Lust is sexual attraction, often easily confused with love, especially by women it seems. Love, true love usually takes time, something that grows and expands the more you get to know one another, the deeper and more intimate you become spiritually and maybe sexually too.
    Is this helpful?

  107.  #107Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 8:48 am


    I guess where I am confused is I always thought lust wore off after a time. This is not wearing off lol. I am trying to determine if maybe I was in lust also?

    Our friendship started over 4 years ago. To this day if I were to need something he would be the first one to step up. Something happens we turn to each other. We talk about everything from daily b/s to our hopes, dreams, spiritual feelings, fears, etc. Our friendship is solid outside of the sex. We have both expressed the value and hapiness of having the other in our life.

    The sex is amazing lol. I have to say it is more intimate than I have experienced before. From holding my face in both hands while kissing, to looking me in the eyes during, to talking about how the other makes us feel while in the process, to resting his forehead against mine and just feeling what is taking place, to holding me and showing attention and talking afterwards.

    This relationship has been a long journey for me and I question the message. When he told me he had only lust for me in his heart I was devastated. I did not realize it could be so similar. Does it have to do with him feeling of this is a relationship for now vs this is a relationship for forever? Am I even asking that right? And if so, how do I pin point that in the future?

  108.  #108candace on January 25, 2010 at 8:50 am

    I read this after my post. Thanks Rori, this is just what I needed. But I, like Jodi, just can’t get him out of my mind. It’s hard for me to let go after putting so much of myselft into this man and our relationship. Now he is sorry for lying to me and wants to talk about getting married. ???? He knows what I want and is using it to get me back. I can know all of these and still I want to stay with him. Crazy huh? I have your ebook, but can’t afford the Toxic Men book right now. But I will look through the other blogs here for more advice and support. Jodi, please be strong and move on. I haven’t tried the dating thing yet, but I’m seriously thinking about it now.

  109.  #109Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Or am I just dealing with a boy and letting him confuse me?

  110.  #110tinque on January 25, 2010 at 9:10 am

    No! No!! Definitely No!!! I feel sad thinking that lusts fades with some couples, maybe a great many. I’m here to tell you that K and I are nearing eight years together, and the lust and the passion are stronger than ever.
    As for what your man said, it’s possible he just said very badly something that was meant to be a compliment, that you turn him on as much you ever did.
    The only way to know is to ask.
    “I feel really confused about what you said….”

  111.  #111Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 9:25 am

    The conversation was taking place because we have both been on a spiritual path lately. We had not been together seually for 2 weeks which was a long time for us. One thing lead to another in the conversation and I told him I was feeling curious as to why this was. He said he was trying to control his lust. Which, of course, took the conversation in a whole different direction. I expressed that I did not want nor would I be just an object of someone’s lust. He replied that I was never just an object. The conversation ended about an hour later with him telling me that he could not continue the sexual aspect of our relationship because of what he felt in his heart. Just to be clear I asked him if he was telling me that because he had no love for me in his heart, only lust, that he felt having a sexual relationship was wrong. To which he replied yes.

    I realize lust can have staying power when love is added in to the mix. I guess I just didn’t realize it had staying power when you feel no love. I cannot say I am in love with him, but I can say I love him differently than I have any other. I am just confused as to where the line is – between love and lust. Thank you for being patient with me and trying to help 🙂

  112.  #112Brenda on January 25, 2010 at 9:32 am

    hi orchard…

    the thing i have learned through this experience and also drawing what i have read on a couple other posts is that there is no point in wishing they were not angry and trying to convince them to change their mind. i made a conscious decision that i was going to leave him alone and focus on ME and the only reason I emailed him to tell him is to set his expectations on not hearing from me since we do work together, not that I was mad or anything, I just was really over focusing on HIM and when I say something I mean it so he knew he was not going to hear form me until I was done taking care of my stuff, me, my work, etc. If feels so much better to focus on me! hope this helps at all…xx brenda

  113.  #113Simply Shannon on January 25, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Sherry: I think your boy may be confused too. He says you’re not just an object and then he says he feels a sex-only relationship is wrong. Maybe he just feels conflicted. Did he say he doesn’t want to see you? And is he not contacting you? I dunno. Maybe leaning back is the way to go here and don’t have sex with him (even if he initiates it).

    Sex blurs the lines for me between love and lust. It’s funny to me though because now that I’m not having sex, I don’t know what “love” is anymore. Kind of enlightening really. now I’m seeing that the sex made me think it was love because my body craved the sex. Take sex out of the equation, and I get to experience what I’m really feeling. Maybe that could be what he is trying to do. And that’s not a bad thing. Maybe he’s honoring you by not wanting to treat you like a sex object. You could be wasting all your lovely siren-ness on a man who doesn’t love you. For me, no matter how good the sex is, love is better and the sex is better when there’s love. My two cents.

  114.  #114orchard on January 25, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Thank you Tinque. Yes it does make me feel scared and I do feel attacked by it. It feels that he is being angry with me instead of himself. I would really like to lie low and let him get on with it but he wants to talk to me about his issues with the children. And I don’t think he will be able to hear anything I have to say. I so wish that he would wake up from this lost place he has gone to. He is a good man who has had a massive crisis and just abandoned us all. I feel in a much stronger place than I did a year ago when he left – do you really think I can stand up and be me and not feel undermined by his strength and fury?

  115.  #115tinque on January 25, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Yes you can, and you have support here. Standing up doesn’t mean lashing back. It means allowing him to say what he has to say and responding with feeling messages. Tell him you feel like you’re being attacked, and it doesn’t feel good. Tell him you feel scared and you don’t want to feel this way.
    It seems to me the children are not the issue at all, but he has to figure this out himself, or not.
    You can support him best by continuing to express how YOU feel and by keeping your heart as open as you can, even when you feel sad, mad, bad, not so easy but doable.

  116.  #116Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 11:10 am


    He is still contacting me and we are still talking. He said we are more than just a sexual relationship. We have not seen each other as he says he needs to get cntrol over his lust and he is not strong enough to see me and not end up having sex.

    It has been my experience that if my love starts to die the desire I have for sex with that person also dies. I guess maybe men are not like this?

    I am leaning back and he is still initiating contact with me. Even if he brings it up I have decided not to sleep with him. I am just confused as to how this can only be lust.

  117.  #117Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Is there such a thing as friendship, caring, trust, and sexual attraction, yet no love? Maybe no romantic love…
    Would that be considered lust?

  118.  #118Daria on January 25, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    sherry it sounds like it feels awful! focusing on the thinking may not really help.

    and yes, there is such a thing. i had this in the past with a man, yet he did not want more. it broke my heart. and it felt bad.

  119.  #119Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Daria you are right – it does feel awful! As much as I know it doesn’t matter what he thinks or feels, I still find myself trying to figure it out. Not just for the trying to understand him part, but also trying to understand what I missed. How I now find myself in this situation. This is a new one for me.

    If I might ask – did you remain friends with the man? Like I said before, we started out as friends and he is trying, but it seems hard for me right now. Either way is painful so I’m not sure what feels best right now.

  120.  #120Daria on January 25, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Sherry I remained friends with him for long excruciating years of me being in love with him. I am now FINALLY not friends with him, and FINALLY I can say I WAS in love with him. Rather than am. I feel very good about that.

    So my short answer is NO. I could not remain friends with him, or hang around him, without wanting more, and feeling awful.

  121.  #121Sherry on January 25, 2010 at 4:43 pm


    Thank you for being honest. I have a feeling I won’t be able to remain friends with him. I don’t have many friends I trust with all of me like I do him. I think the friendship is what I will miss the most. Just texting back and forth makes me hurt right now, but I’m afraid it will hurt more if he doesn’t text me. Does that make sense?

    I remember a tool Rori had to help you get out of your head and in to your feelings. I think I may need to read back through her posts and see if I can find that. I am driving myself crazy with all this!

    One more question if I may – did you figure out a red flag or warning sign that you had missed that would have prevented you from getting in this position? I have went back over and over things and I just cannot find it!

  122.  #122Jodi on January 25, 2010 at 7:24 pm


    Thank you for your candor and honesty. I have ordered your material and can’t wait to dig in and see what other expertise you can share. I am happy to report that for the first time today I did not text him. Hours went by and then the flood of texts from him began. It was very empowering and liberating to not be the aggressor and I am going to work very hard to find the relationship I truly deserve!

    Thanks again!


  123.  #123Nita on January 25, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Sherry, I have been in a situation similar. For me personally, its been hard to remain friends with a guy who I have feelings for, especially when it was intimate at one point. He too still initiates conversation, texts, etcetera which makes it hard because one would assume he is initiating and I atleast was in the secret hopes that this meant “he does love me” he does want me but wants time and is scared, so he is pulling the friend card for now. But then, as i was thinking about all those love stories ( true love stories in my family ) about men willing to lose anything for the women they love even their lives. It might sound dramatic or crazy, but thats what i think of when im trying to figure out if a man loves me. actions not words, and sacrifice. then i felt sad because i knew that this man was not doing these things but just using me for his comfortability and because he appreciated my friendship although he knows it can hurt me eventually if not already. it was hard but last time i talked to him ( a month ago) i told him it hurt to be his friend, he asked ” friendship is not good enough?” i told him its not that, this whole situation makes me feel stressed and anxious, and i started crying (not histerically) lol, but sensitively. i felt good about it. its like rori says no need for business like closure just open your heart. Be sincrere about your feelings, hopefully both of you will understand whats best even by just expressing your feelings in the moment… we havent talked since and not sure if we will ever, im just taking things one day at a time and staying busy and flirting alot:)

  124.  #124Daria on January 25, 2010 at 9:29 pm


    I remember your post, but didn’t say anything. I know you will rise out of this =). You are feeling down on a bounce down, and your pond will soon clear.

    You are a Goddess and you inspire me!

  125.  #125Serene on January 26, 2010 at 8:13 am

    I have been dating this guy I really like so far for about 3 weeks. Weve been out 6 times in 3 weeks. He seemed to be dragging his feet some about spending time together so I emailed him and told him Im used to spending more time with someone Im getting to know, he immediatly called me, and said he is new to the dating thing and if he needs to step it up, he will. He made plans to meet with me the next night. I dont want to come across pushy, but I dont see any point in stretching out “getting to know someone” for months, Id rather get it all out up front and if I find somthing I dont like or we end up not being compatable then I didnt invest months of my life again. The question is this, now that I have voiced my needs and opinions and he said he heard me and will make it better, do I now leave the ball in his court if he starts to drag his feet again after this next date..or should I be patient?

  126.  #126debbie on January 26, 2010 at 8:23 am

    my boyfriend and I live together and have been for 1 year. we have known each other for 11/2 years. he is really cute blond, blue eyes. he has never been married, and is in hie 50’s, still good looking. my question is, women seemed to try to flirt with him when I am right there with him. giving them their home phone numbers and e/mail adresses when we are at like insurance business places. I reported one already to the big rig if that was right, and was told no. how can I stop this?

  127.  #127Amanda on January 26, 2010 at 8:28 am

    What does one do if a man suddenly distances before the holidays, citing stress and financial, emotional burdens, overwork – and saying he will be back, sorry he disappeared, then sends scattered texts saying he will “call soon,” but no call comes? Do I write him off or do I hold on in my feelings in good faith he will, indeed, come back? I saw him a month ago and he said he was in love with me, and everything seemed fine – then the next week he started canceling meetups and visits, etc, and now he has vanished totally it seems. What should I do? I texted him a couple of times just to touch base, and it was answered a few days later, so this last time, I just stopped doing that cos it hurt to read he will call then doesn’t. But I still care about him, can’t help think about how strange – how fast this seemed to happen, and wonder really, WHY? Wish I could say all this to him, but I learned from my limited experience it doesn’t help to pour my heart out. That only makes a man distance more and in some cases, do more ironic twists like that cos he knows it gets to you. I feel dejected, confused and very sad.

  128.  #128D2 on January 26, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Dorothea (that’s my real name too!) – Just remember what your name means…it means “Gift from God”. See yourself as a gift – a goddess gift!! If a man wants to talk/spend time with you he’ll step forward and if he doesn’t some other man definitely will because he’ll see YOU as the gift you are. Just remember that money can’t buy you love and while gifts are nice sometimes it’s just the wonderful memories of a cherished time together that shines brighter than any bauble/bling you receive. Another thing…it’s NEVER a good thing to “keep score” – I would say that Rori would think it would be breaking one of the 4 rules (trying to control the outcome).

  129.  #129Rori Raye on January 26, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Amanda. Write him off. He’ll show up again, and when he does – PLEASE be Circular Dating up a storm so that he’s just “another man.” Doesn’t matter what happened. What matters is how you go on from here. You are either going to focus on him and lose all your attractiveness and diva “edge,” or you’re going to focus on yourself and your life and attract more men than you can imagine – him included. Love, Rori

  130.  #130Rori Raye on January 26, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    debbie, you can’t stop it. Here’s what you do. 1. Get a big sense of humor, so when this happens, you instinctively smile at your man, lean back, and feel sexy. 2. Get in touch with your jealousy and anger, and let it further enhance your vibe by not trying to sit on it. You don’t have to speak it. Women who come up to him and give him their numbers are not going to get anywhere with him – especially not as you’re standing there, your hand gently in the crook of his arm or in his back pocket while you’re leaning back, being totally serene and confident. Stay close to him so he can feel your energy, but lean back. Once you do this, you’ll see he’ll be even more turned on to you. It’s like the estrogen from the other women just gets transferred to you – it’s a good thing. Thank these women (not directly and verbally – but with your mind and body language) for increasing his love for you. Love, Rori

  131.  #131Rori Raye on January 26, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Serene – STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! You’re pushing and chasing – it takes time to get to know someone – at least 3-4 months. You should be Circular Dating…Please read everything here on the blog and get my ebook if you can – the ball is ALWAYS in his court – but YOU hold the power of the attraction, and the yes or no. Love, Rori

  132.  #132Flipper on January 26, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Sounds like the modern version, called “friends with benefits”. As Rori explains, many guys are quite happy to go on indefinitely doing enough to keep things pleasant and being sexually exclusive with a ‘nice’ woman, but without feeling a deep attachment with her and no particular intention of creating one . It feels good to him to be in that situation (better than chasing around, risking rejection and feeling lonely for sure, plus there’s fun sexual chemistry), and assumes it does to her as well or she wouldn’t be there, but he knows he’s perfectly free to stop or do something else if and when he’ll feel differently. Maybe he assumes the same thing about her, maybe he doesn’t even think about it.

  133.  #133Brenda on January 27, 2010 at 5:24 am

    Hi ladies/Rori,

    Finally spelled it out to the man…I want to have the sex/love experience within a exclusive relationship. We just wrote a new track together that means a lot to us and he immediately equated it to sex between us, and, I did, too, sex and love, but had to make sure he understood that where I am in my life I am clear what I want. I’ve been kind of scared to really spell that out to him because I didn’t want it to sound like I was giving him an ultimatum. But, I also didn’t want the conversation to start leading him on so, at least it’s out in the open now.

    I have a couple of men that want to meet me that are willing to drive to see me. I’ll start there.

  134.  #134Brenda on January 27, 2010 at 9:37 am

    one of those men just emailed me…wants to take me quad-riding…finally someone that know how to have fun! i’m glad because i was starting to feel like i can’t go on any dates feeling like i’m in love with the producer guy…prayer answer, no uncomfortable dinner date…outdoor fun! 🙂

  135.  #135Jennifer on February 1, 2010 at 11:07 am

    I am reading Christian Carter’s book “how to catch him and keep him”
    I just got slapped in the face with an “ah ha” moment.
    He writes about physically beautiful women having a harder time getting into a committed relationship because they illicit the cave man response to players who then crowd out the “good guys”.
    I always assumed that I didn’t do as well in the relationship department as other women who were more beautiful than me, because they are more beautiful than me.

  136.  #136Jennifer on February 1, 2010 at 11:08 am

    sorry…forgot to ask a question….has anyone had this experience?

  137.  #137Debra on February 2, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Rori, thank you for your blog and literature. I have ordered your ebook and reviewed it many times, it’s still a lot to take in and incorporate, but I’m confident one day it’ll “click” for me.

    Here is my question…basically, I am turning down exclusive relationship offers in order to date, experiment and learn more about myself and what I want, but I also feel like a hypocrite cause I want all the men only to myself LOL. What is the mindset a woman who is circular dating should take on the men in their lives who also end up dating other women? A little contradicting because I want to be taken seriously, but then have no intention of committing unless it’s the “right” guy. Funny dilemma, I know…sometimes I think I have too much masculine energy? This definitely sounds like control issues to me? Greedy? I’m just not sure how to approach these situations, when I really do genuinely like them, but can’t possibly settle down with one guy right now because of everything else going on in my life and the desire to sort through all my choices. Maybe I answered my own question…I need to be accepting of this behavior from them if I plan to be this way myself? I’ll be happy to offer additional info or clarification.

    Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.

  138.  #138DocK on February 2, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Hi Jennifer – you already know that beauty is as beauty does : )

    and, it isn’t so much about this or that person being more beautiful – our culture makes decisions about that and, yes, some guys really push for it. I saw a woman that is one of the highest paid models in the world up close, no make-up, didn’t even know who she was at first. By our own cultural standards, seeing her like that, she looked like any other mildly attractive woman. Even so – she is a MODEL – and guys that wouldn’t be drawn to her if she lived next door to them fall all over themselves over her.

    Having said that, as someone that (many, many years ago) participated in those things that guys get all excited about (cheerleader, ring card girl, etc.) I can tell you it was very interesting. I guess I thought that the guys would be so impressed that they would actually be respectful (LOL) but they really did behave like cavemen. I also found that a lot of guys that behave in ways that are very aggressive and rude (“jerky” behavior) had no problem coming on to me but some of the cute, nice guys just stayed away.

    I also think that a lot of guys just assume that a really beautiful woman already has somebody or that she has a line going around the block of men pursuing her – so then this actually isn’t always the case for those women.

    Sure men dream of Catherine Zeta Jones or Halle Berry but in reality, even the most beautiful women have had their hearts broken (some very publicly). If that is all a man is after in a woman and he “gets” her – then once she becomes just like every other woman – uh HUMAN – then she becomes replaceable (sp?) by some other beautiful woman. I think it is for this very reason that so many beautiful women are far more insecure than you would ever imagine.

    In the end, a really good guy likes a woman that simply is attractive in her own, unique way and highlights that – she is confident and flirtatious. Some of the most famous women that have had lovers of all ages falling all over themselves for these women were not the greatest of beauties physically – but they were lusciously, deliciously magnetic – and they knew it.

  139.  #139Lucy on February 2, 2010 at 11:54 am

    DocK, I feel great about what you wrote! I especially like the last paragraph. 🙂

  140.  #140Kayleigh on February 2, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’m engaged to a wonderful man. We’ve been dating for a year, and we’re very happy. Things are going fabulously. There’s amazing passion; we communicate well, have lots of positive moments and resolve issues easily. He’s very smart, and I love how many things he has taught me. He can be strong and yet he’s very emotional and intuitive. He is like a wonderful mystery, yet I feel safe and loved and secure with him.

    Except…well, I had a terrible childhood. I fought hard to gain a measure of self esteem, and get rid of the jerks and toxic guys I used to have in my life. I succeeded, and I’m so happy about that…but being loved by him in this wonderful way is bringing up so much fear and insecurity for me. It hasn’t sabotaged me yet, but I can feel my “vibe” is off, and I fear that it could.

    For example, he is supporting me and my daughter. Its something he wants to do, but I have so much trouble accepting it – inside of myself.

    Do you have any tools or advice for me?

    Many thanks for all your help, also. I love your programs! They resonate with me so strongly and have been such a blessing!

  141.  #141Jennifer on February 5, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    girls I need a script.
    I just found out that B could have put me on his official paper work for the military but chose not too cause he figured I was “not very excited to move with me cause your career is more important than me.”
    This is bullshit. We agreed that it didn’t make sense for me to move to his base as he was going to only be there for three months and then would have to go away to train for 4 months.
    When I brought this up he says he just said that because he felt like my career was more important.

    I’m sooooooooooo pissed!\
    All that time we were together he could have given me reason to hope and he chose not to for a reason that is plainly bull.
    Here’s my rough draft.

    I feel furious about the idea that you could have put me on the paperwork and chose not to.
    I do not want to be blamed for a decision you made.
    I thought we had agreed on our course of action. I don’t want to be with a man who can’t say what he really feels and then blames me for not getting what he wants.
    I feel very afraid that this is the sort of thing that will happen over and over. I don’t want to be punished anymore.
    I feel frustrated by this. I feel like slapping you. This feels like passive agressive behaviour and I don’t want to be with a man who does that.
    What do you think.

    Ok, godessess…

  142.  #142Simply Shannon on February 5, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Jennifer: He made a decision (totally his call and his business). When I read your note, I feel confused. Seems like you’re sending mixed messages. On the one hand, you say the two of you agreed you wouldn’t be on the paperwork but then you say you’re upset about not being on the paperwork. So what is it that you’re really feeling? Are you just mad that he’s blaming you (i.e. the career thing) or are you really upset because you want to be on the paperwork and be with him on base? I would probably be more upset about not being on the paperwork because that’s a signal to me that the decision is final (aka I won’t be living there). Even if we had decided that would be best for the situation, it would still hurt. Ya know?

    Words I might use…

    I thought we agreed that it didn’t make sense for me to move to the base since you were only going to be there for three months and then you would have to go away to train for 4 months. I feel confused. Is that what we should do? I must admit I feel a little upset about not being able to live with you even if that might be best given our situation. What do you think?

    Soft on the outside, strong on the inside.

  143.  #143Jennifer on February 5, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    hey Shannon..
    I was never ok with not being on the paperwork. We lived together for two years and he put his MOTHER on the paperwork in basic training. He swore that the military had specific requirements for who could be on the paperowork. Since we did not live together when he swore in it could not be me.
    Come to find out that when he was posted he could have changed it…and didn’t.
    We agreed to wait until he was done the bulk of the training before I moved as the training entailed him being in bases all over the country.

  144.  #144paolo on March 5, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    what to do when my girlfriend cheats on me?
    OK so my girlfriend cheated on me sad and it hurts i live her very much when she cheated on me she told me the same day that she did and she new everything was done she went to this party and got drunk but then she told me she faked been drunk and kissed this dude she dint say she wanted to have sex with him but in the video she was faking been drunk she told the dude lets go upstairs i want you to take me but they never got to do it because the party was broken up by the parent of the kid coming in the house and kicking everybody out (is a video of her saying this things) my girlfriend is a little frustrated her life hasn’t been really nice I am not defending her at all what she did is really messed up well i really love this girl she came back to me at first the first time we saw each other after the incident was at school we were alone and she just wanted to kiss me and was like if nothing had happen she was like “o you know you want it kiss me I love you , I love you”

    i denied her and she gave up then later we hung out because i dint have nothing to do so she broke up in tears and told me how she was sorry that she was really sorry and how she is stupid for doing this stuff so i told her lets talk lets find out whats wrong with you so we talked and i tried to find out what was wrong with her then she started kissing me and telling me she was sorry i wasn’t kissing her back because i felt disgusted she told me kiss me please kiss me back and i dint so then she broke up in tears again and was saying how stupid she was and how she dint want that to happen that she was never going to have sex with him she said does things but she wasn’t going to take it that far.

    In my opinion she did cheated on me because she thought i dint love her anymore because before all of this we broke up because she still talked to her ex boyfriend and i was really jealous so i broke up with her and got back with her and she always asked me if i was going to play her because of what she has done i dint find it that bad at the end that she still talked to her ex boyfriend and dint told me about it so that’s why i went back out with her so she had that thought on her head for a wild and use to cry all the time telling me how i don’t love her and i think she cheated on me so she dint have to deal with that feeling anymore and end everything she also told me when we got back that it was me who she loved and that she loved me so much that she was sorry and blah blah blah but i think she did it because she couldn’t take it anymore the doubt of if i love her or not if i was going to play her or no but that same day that she cheated there was another video saying how much she hated me and that i dint love her and that to fuck me that she dint care about me that she hated me but the she comes back to me begging

    SO she cheats and begs forgiveness and tells me she wants me and only me that she loves me and only me so she wasn’t going get off the leash that fast so for me to stay with her she needs to loose all of her friends except 3 that i choose for her and that is she messes up again is done for good she said yes ill do it i want to be with you and nobody else

    so she has done what i told her we had sex and she felt even in love even more she told me she also told me that she went out with me to get over her ex that she wasn’t planning on staying with me she thought i was cute and then he got to know me better we have been together almost 5 months she told me that 2 months ago was when she found out that it was me who she wanted

    it was me who she loved she told me that before she just wanted to get over her ex and get back at him (her ex cheated on her they went out for 2 years) so that’s why she went out with me she told me how she new i was right that she dint know what she wanted but that now she knows and that she wants me (also her ex boyfriend got new girlfriend )((and she told me o how he has a new girlfriend that she(my girlfriend) doesn’t care about him is only me )

    and that’s why she hided the fact that she talked to him but then she broke up with me in our 3 anniversary and begged me back that she couldn’t live without me and she told me the day she did that was the day she new she wanted me and only me she said that she fucked up and she fucked up again and then she fucked up for good and that she is sorry and that she loves me and only me and she asked for forgiveness and i dint give her none (she told me all of this when we finish having sex we were laying on the bed together looking at each other and she told me) i just stayed there speechless like damn i was used she told me again she was sorry and was like please say something please say something tell me something i don’t want you leave me please Iam scare of you leaving me so then i was like is OK then she went home call me and then told me i love you and she said I am going to sleep i just wanted to talk to you before i went to sleep

    SO lately i have been a dick all of this happened like 1 week ago I am trying to get over the fact that she cheated and i don’t express my self anymore every time she tells me something nice i just be like OK or i smile and she tells me whats wrong and i say nothing and she say whats wrong and I am like nothing but then she says why are you such a dick is like you don’t even care of what i say and then she cries and tells me I don’t want to loose you.

    anybody can tell me what should i say to her so she knows i truly love her that’s why I am with her?

    what should i do?
    how can i find out if she is not really lying?
    how do i know what to do what can i do what should i do?
    give me advise or something i should do ?

  145.  #145Rori Raye on March 6, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Paolo, you seem like a nice guy, and the only advice you’ll get from me or anyone else here is to get away from this girl immediately. Be civil, and that’s it – there must be so many girls out there who want to be your girlfriend! Go out with THEM!

  146.  #146Ada on March 7, 2010 at 1:50 am

    Hi Rori, I have been dating a man for 6 months. we have both been seperated from our spouses for 8 months and met through our kids (1 each) playing. He lives 200 miles away and we see each other every other weekend (I travel to him he pays the ticket and I prefer it this way). Initially he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and I was hurt but got Modern Siren and did the tools which worked so well. He intiated all contact (phoned 4 nights a week, emailed and texts) treated me like a princess and was future talking.
    I have a problem though, we he visits his child he stays at his ex’s house (they live 8 miles from me) and I find this tough (she still loves him). I have become defensive, giving ultimatums and he is withdrawing and losing interest. Last weekend it was my birthday and he had not prepared anything in advance and I walked out in tears. He didn’t call and after 5 days I emailed and he was thrilled to hear from me. Now though, although he initiates contact it’s texts and video conferencing, he hasn’t invited me for a date and it’s been a week. I can’t ask him so how can we resolve this without seeing each other? I have just started getting my profile on some dating sites.

  147.  #147TW on March 7, 2010 at 5:38 am

    Hi Rori,

    I am somewhat confused about a situation. I met this guy some months ago and he is everything that I need him to be. We instantly clikced and was together all the time. We stopped seeing each other for about a month no contact no seeing each other and then he called me on Valentine’s Day and the conversation was really awkward. Well since then the relationship so to speak has not been the same. During the time I was not with him, I was circular dating with this guy and he was just not for me but I like him as a friend but he took friendship to a whole new level and I feel uncomfortable. Well back to the man in my life, he said that during that time, he never considered us as apart but he needed some space to figure things out but he was not seeing another woman. He has put marriage, children and everything you could imagine on the table but since he has said these things it is like he feels as though he does not have to work hard any more. I went from getting 2 calls and several text a day to maybe a phone call every day or so but he does not even put as much energy into seeing me anymore like he did. He works shifts so some times he is on days and then on nights so we do not get to really see each other when he is on night shift. We already have children who have not met yet because we felt that it was important for us to really get to know each other before our children met. When we first met and discussed kids, we both said that we did not want any more children but now he is all will you have my baby and stuff like that. He has even told me that I amthe woman he wants to marry but how do I make him invest the time to go along with the words?

  148.  #148AF on February 24, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have known him since I was 17, and in 4 years we have been fighting, breaking up, and getting back together. Everything started perfect, he was perfect, to a point that I felt guilty if I didn’t love him back. But then things got so much more complicated and heated, in 2009 after a physical fight, I left the country for 4 months. He contacted me and for a moment I thought things went back to normal, like how it was in the beginning when we could talk, joke and laugh and he was not just my love, but also my best friend. But since then, we were still breaking up and back together…and it seems like his problem with me is that I put all my pressure on him. I don’t even know what my problem with him is but I just feel insecure…all the time. Lately, I feel despaired in him, for whatever reason that made me do so much for him these past months, I have really done enough. Except he doesn’t even appreciate anything…yes he cares for me and has been there for me. But a few days ago we had another fight, and when I came back, I found out on his phone that he texted another girl, it was only one sentence but intuitively I dialled that number at 2 am and found out he asked out a 33 year old woman on the street….after the phone call, I felt stroke by lightning….perhaps he heard the phone call, perhaps he was drunk….he mumbled ‘i swear to god i didn’t do anything.’

    I really don’t understand…after everything we’ve been through, after how I put aside my life to help him to make his life better … I’ve been there, the world knows. Minutes before, he’d tell me that he liked looking at me when I was finishing my school paper, he’d kiss me on the cheek and sing to me. Minutes later, I found out about this. Yes it happened during our last fight days before, yes they didn’t even go out yet. But…I felt my heart was done. We had another fight, I didn’t even bother to clarify the problem.

    But now… why am I still helping him… with his work, his court cases, with his life….? Am I that stupid?

  149.  #149karina on June 18, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I’m in love with one of my best friends (we’ve been friends for 1.5 yrs); he knows. We have a really close & beautiful friendship, we are both sexually attracted to each other (we have slept together but we resist our urges now) and we both really enjoy physical affection (always have). Though we cross the “just friends” barrier quite often because of physical intimacy, we’re not together. He’s not in love with me. He says we have the foundation for a relationship but his gut tells him I’m not the one in the long term. I guess the “emotional attraction” is not strong enough. Is it possible to turn things around when a guy has made up his mind? Create more of that attraction? I am very much willing to improve myself and how I behave in order to get there. Problem is I am running out of time. He’s probably moving away to another country in less than 2 months. I don’t know what to do anymore… My gut feeling says he’s the one.

  150.  #150Nicky on March 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Hi Rori

    My boyfriend of nearly 2 years has completely pulled away in the last 10 days, zero affection, pretty much ignoring me, up until now he has always been very caring and within the first 6 months of us being together there had been talk of marriage but he wants to be better setup first because we currently live in a share house with another friend. I have your reconnect your relationship program and i have started to lean back in the past couple of days. How quickly will he start to lean forward if i’m leaning back? He hasn’t come forward but maybe that’s because in my head i’m still spiralling all these thoughts around because i am scared of losing him. When i’m trying not to think i feel like he just senses i’m pretending and how tense i am and i’m making the situation even worse.

  151.  #151Rori Raye on March 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Nicky – you have to make these shifts as quickly as you can. Get your mind OUT of his head – and focus on you and something you find important and valuable. Then – when he IS there – smile and be warm. The getting out of his head will build your confidence, and the smile and opening up of your heart will build your tolerance for vulnerability. Love, Rori

  152.  #152Nicky on March 6, 2012 at 12:19 am

    Thank you Rori, i think i expected it to happen immediately with me acting like everything is fine or that i don’t care but i guess pretending is just hiding the way i feel and in turn doing damage. I will take this on board and get out of his head and focus on me without doing things just to see the outcome and ultimately shift my vibe!

  153.  #153Nicky on March 6, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Just one more quick question, i don’t know whether to speak to him now about how i’m feeling or just wait until i have made a bit of a shift? I am feeling neglected and this disconnection and i don’t know whether to express that to him at this stage? Thanks again.

  154.  #154emilie on May 1, 2012 at 10:18 am

    So I need advice, I just started talking/hooking up with my ex….. He contacted me back in April of last year through an email on Facebook,that I never saw, then after that when my birthday rolled around in Aguste he texted me, I waited some time because I was shocked but at the same time I knew he would wish me a happy birthday and that’s when I found out about the message. since then we started talking he had a girlfriend in the beginning and we hung out once and he kissed me first since then we have been hooking up and he would text me every day now its slowed down to no texting for almost a week or so…. when we hooked up the first time he told me in the middle of sex that he still loves me and he had talked about kids with me not during sex just one day we started talking about kids… I still love him and would like to try us out again as a couple but when I asked him he said he dose not want a relationship right now…. I don’t know what to do I still love him and now when we hook up my feelings are there and I don’t want to get hurt again I had been with him before for 6 or 7 years off and on he was my first everything boyfriend, love etc .

  155.  #155Rori Raye on May 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    emilie – listen to what he said about not wanting a relationship right now, believe it, and move on. If you want to practice on him – get Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right and Love Scripts and use your time with him to see what ramping up his attraction to you might do. Love, Rori

  156.  #156Tara on June 8, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Rori! I am in the worst situation possible. I have been dating this guy exclusively for 10 months now. He will not commit as he says I am his first girlfriend and he hasn’t experienced anything else yet and doesn’t want to wonder “what if.” The problem with dating other men or circular dating is I recently lost my car and my apartment so I am living with him. I also work from home so this means anytime I am out of the house, it is literally to the grocery store with him. Yikes! Anyhow, we had sex very early in the relationship before even getting to know each other, on our 2nd date to be exact (bad, bad, I know!!). I try to stay positive and calm at times and be open to him like you suggest, but at times I can’t help but to think of him flirting with other women, approaching them, ignoring me, going out with his buddies and other women when I’m not invited, etc, and it PISSES me of and I cannot help but to be a complete bitch to him, because he thinks this behavior is okay! I also forgot to mention he is your top-notch alpha male. (And when I say alpha male I mean literally alpha male. When you walk into a room and he’s there, it’s his presence people notice. And I am not overexxagerating when I say women AND men stop and stare. Literally. I even did it myself the first time I saw him!) Please help, he’s drifting further away by the day and I do not want to lose him to any competition! This guy is tough!! It’s impossible to keep him interested in my current situation. I literally can’t be unavailable to him because I’m just simply not, living in his home dependent on him and at home every time he is there! What do I do?!

  157.  #157Rori Raye on June 8, 2012 at 11:16 pm

    Tara – The way out of this situation is to get your self-esteem back up – and the only way to do that is to become financially independent again. He’s been very clear with you…and your understandable anger at his non-commitment, and your frustration with your own life and situation is not helping you – it’s hurting you. It’s as though you’re so emotionally stuck on the same track because your options are so limited, that you’ve given up all your feminine power here. Please focus on work that can pay your bills so you can start talking to this man in a more powerful way. Love, Rori

  158.  #158Tara on June 8, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    Rori, thanks for the info (posts 156&157). I have been working hard on getting my financial independence back. Do you have any tips on raising self esteem? He keeps telling me how needy and insecure I am, and it frustrates me because I was never like this before. Also, you said that I’ve given up all of my feminine there anything I can do now to have any power at all? I feel very powerless in this situation at the moment. I can hardly assert myself without fear of being kicked to the curb. (For example, tonight we argued because he wanted to secretly go to another woman’s house to hang out with his friends and I was not okay with this for MANY reasons…and he uses the fact that he can kick me out and is getting tired of me against me.)

  159.  #159Tara on June 8, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    Call me crazy, but I do not think it’s appropriate when you are in a relationship with someone to be hanging out at a member of the opposite sex’s house, no matter how platonic, during the night time. He also NEVER invites me to go out with him to any of these places and calls me insecure for questioning his whereabouts.

  160.  #160Rhonda on June 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Hi Rori! I know you said the best way to get your man’s attention back onto you is to kind of ignore him, lean back, and go about your business and NEVER let him ignore you. I am fine and okay doing this, but lately he has been going out more than often to “get away” and when he does, it always involves other girls being in the same setting, and it pisses me off because I think it’s inappropriate. How do I go about having this conversation with him in a way that I can be heard. I’ve tried confronting him several times about it, and nothing is getting through his thick skull. I feel like he has no respect for me

  161.  #161Rori Raye on June 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Rhonda – this situation rings to me as “low class” – and not because he’s low-class, or you are – but because of the “drama” involved here. If this is your attitude towards him: “…I’ve tried confronting him several times about it, and nothing is getting through his thick skull. I feel like he has no respect for me” – then his “running away” makes perfect sense. You have to own your part of this dynamic – and that’s YOUR respect for HIM. And if he’s disappearing into social situations – then pretty much, it just says that neither of you have the maturity and skills at this moment to have a meaningful conversation that’s a heart-to-heart and not a confrontation. He’s not just going for walks and running at the gym – he’s doing stuff that he has to KNOW specifically puts you off balance and feels hurtful to you. You are BOTH punishing each other.

    You have to go first. You need to learn the skills of talking a person with respect and yet with your whole heart. You need to learn to negotiate. Start with my ebook – and learn how to use the Tools by practicing them consistently with EVERYONE. Love, Rori

  162.  #162Melissa on June 20, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Hi. Rori,
    I began dating a man about 2 months after his wife filed for divorce. We bagan talking and seeing each other as much as possible and I felt a very strong connection with him. He wanted to spend all his free time with me if he didnt’ have his 2 sons. After about 4 months he told me he was feeling very conflicted and felt bad. He was afraid he wasn’t able to care for me how I was for him and he still had too much in his life to straighten out. He is afraid of bringing in baggage from his past relationship into a new one and is still trying to get his financial situation in order from the diviorce and feels even though I don’t ask him to spend money on me, he wants to, but then feels bad afterward. I guess I should mention he is legally divorced from his ex-wife at this point also. So now he has told me he still wants to talk to me, still wants to see me, but can not have any sort of commitment or intamacy with me until he has things figured out.We where dating exclusivley and he was spending the night with me 2-4 nights a week. I am very confused on how I feel about this. I understand he has to put his life back together after his divorce, so I am not really angry with him. I am just not sure if I can move backward and still feel comfortable being around him. I miss the way things use to be, and now of course I worry about another woman being in the picture.

  163.  #163Rori Raye on June 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Melissa – There’s nothing to understand. He’s been clear. 4 months is usually the point where a man either moves forward or backs away – and he’s done. I’m sorry – this is going to hurt, but I’m here to tell you the truth as I see it – and he’s just trying to let you down easy because he can’t mobilize himself to move forward with you. Don’t do anything with him. Just say, if he calls, I hear you, and I love you and care for you, and I wish you luck. Then don’t talk to him again or see him and definitely do NOT sleep with him! Circular Date, and you’ll find a man who can move forward. The problem here was the exclusivity – please don’t do that again – learn here how to Circular Date and get Targeting Mr. Right and the ebook to arm yourself with the Toolsyou need. Love, Rori

  164.  #164Emily on June 29, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Rori I feel like I am falling into the friend category with my boyfriend. He says he loves me but he’s not in love with me. Help, I have no idea what to do. The last thing I want is for my boyfriend to see me as some great friend and treat me as such!

  165.  #165Rori Raye on June 29, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Emily – Hi, and this is all a Modern Siren thing. It’s also about Targeting Mr. Right and Circular Dating. The tools in those will help you. (Start with the ebook, though – that will help you instantly…) Love, Rori

  166.  #166Jennifer on July 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I am dating a man and have become increasingly frustrated in our relationship due to his “have his cake and eat it too” behavior. I’m terrified to lose him, so I always end up shoving my feelings down. And it feels like lately I am constantly nagging him. This has gone on for so long that even when I use feeling messages, he rolls his eyes and says something like “oh great, here you go again with the same thing you said yesterday.” I was so proud of myself for using feeling messages with him one evening and not making him the blame for anything, that I was even MORE shocked when he admitted he wasn’t listening to half of what I said. And he certainly didn’t jump to fix the problem. We fight and fight and fight about our issues but nothing ever gets resolved, so I’m constantly bringing up the same issue. I want to make him happy because I know I am just pushing him away, but it is so hard for me to do this when I am unsure of how serious he is and when I feel like my feelings and problems in the relationship are just tossed aside because I am “jealous.” My number one fear in this relationship is that I’m going to be so frustrated with him and our problems, that some other girl is going to come along with a clean slate and he is going to commit to her because there is less baggage there and he doesn’t have all of this extra stress with her. I feel like he expects me to do all of these things for him and make him a priority, when my needs are just an option to him, so naturally I’m pissed off. It’s hard for me to want to support a man when he’s wishy washy about how whether or not he is going to stick around. In fact, it makes it more frustrating for me because I don’t want to do all this work for another woman to come along and reap my benefits! I don’t know what to do, please help. We are past the point of dating other people as well, so I can’t date other people at this point. I feel like I’ve tried everything in the book.

  167.  #167Rori Raye on July 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Jennifer – Even tho it’s going to sound like I’m saying how great I am – you absolutely haven’t tried everything in the book. First – are you working from the ebook, or just from the newsletters and posts? If you do have it, go back and really, really work with it. Practice all the crucial tools – every one of them, 24/7 (yeah, even when you wake up in the middle of the night…) Fighting is useless, and if you’re engaging in it, you’re working against yourself. Then move to Commitment Blueprint and Modern Siren. Circular Dating isn’t about dating, it’s learning to use these tools out in the world, all the time, so you can begin to shift your reactions, your triggers, and generally see things from a different place – and, most important, COME from a different place inside you when you speak to him. Love, Rori

  168.  #168Melissa on July 15, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Dear Rori,
    I left a message on June 20th about a man pushing me away and you gave me great advice. I followed your advice, when he called me I thanked him for being honest about his feeling but had to tell him I had no interest in”hanging out”, and hoped he was doing well. He started texting me every day just to see how my day was going. The first week of July he called me and asked if it was too late for me to give him a 2nd chance, that he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and that he was just scared of what he was feeling for me so soon after his divorce and wasnt ready to feel that way again. He told me he wanted to be happy and I brought joy to his life, that i made him want to be a better man and with me he felt he could be. He apologized for being wishy washy with his feeling and pushing me away. He said he knows now he only wants me. We have started dating again, but I am scared Rori. I care for this man deeply,but I feel I must keep my guard up for a while until he is fully commited. I have no interest in seeing other men, but I know I should still circular date somehow. At this time I can not afford your books as much as I want them. So any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  169.  #169Bonnie on July 17, 2012 at 1:58 pm


    I’m recently divorced from a man that I’m still in love with. We grew disconnected, and when he told me that he wanted a divorce, I felt so numb and devestated that all I could do was panic, and then be super nice. Instead of telling him how I really felt in a calm, feeling way. We’re still friends, and yet I want to try to reconcile. How do I do this without giving out that masculine energy that I want to avoid? Since we don’t live together anymore, to see each other requires one of us to initiate that contact. I don’t want to persue, yet I’m not sure how to proceed and talk to him in the new way that I’ve learned without contacting him in some way.


  170.  #170Rori Raye on July 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Bonnie – what you need to do is change yourself. You need to Circular Date and practice being a rock star, and get your Feeling Messages working and get BRAVE and practice courage and telling the truth everywhere you go – so that he can FEEL the difference in you should he see you or talk to you. Once you get this together, we can talk about your next move – but I believe if you shift things in yourself enough – the whole world will open up to you in a different way…Love, Rori

  171.  #171Jennifer on July 28, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Rori, you mentioned to use your ebook (which I have read at a friends house) and really really do the work. (POST 166 &167). But I know you have several programs! Lol, so I’m not sure which one you are referring to. Could you please let me know which one you meant? Thank you

  172.  #172Amanda Lopez on September 7, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Hello =) I have known a man for years now and we have slowly begun to fall in love with each other. My feelings for him always have been very strong, and within the last year I have noticed he is increasingly enamored by me. Only problem is, he is in a relationship with a woman he has a child with. Even before we were involved with one another, I knew he was having problems with this woman and did not want to be with her. He recently told me the only reason they stayed together is because she became pregnant. Their son is now almost 2 and we recently opened the door to more intimate conversation after holding back for a long time. He always says if he could run away he could and he feels stuck. I also know right now he is depending on her financially until he gets back on his feet. He is the most loving man I have ever had in my life and fills a great void for me. As much as I’m trying to talk myself into staying away from him because of his situation, I can’t help my feelings. I have never felt so unconditional about anyone in my life. I really truly just want him to be happy, whether that is with me or not. And I of course, being a woman, do not want to hurt this other woman, assuming if she had the chance to completely fix their relationship, she would jump on it. I don’t know that for sure, but being a woman myself I’d like to think that is how she would be. We love being around one another an d it was never a sexual thing at all to begin with. He always wanted to just be with me, no matter what we were doing, but, as our conversations have gotten to be more and more, I don’t see that sexual boundary not being crossed. I have no idea what to do. I love this man but don’t want to hurt his family or myself, and I truly want what is best for all of us….again…whether that means I am in his life or not. I love to be with him and around him because he makes me feel so good. It’s one of those, “I don’t care as long as we are together” kind of things. Please advise

  173.  #173Ebony on September 26, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Hi Rori,
    So theres this guy.He means so much to me.i think that I’m in love,but this is also the first time i felt this way about a guy.About a few weeks ago l,he tried ti kiss me when he was drunk but i rejected him.The next day he apologized and said that he really meant it. When he trie to kiss me,instead he kissed near my chin and i felt my whole body tremble.Then he surprised me at the movies that my friend and him planned.He told my friend he was nervous when i went to the bathroom.He held my hand nd i could feel his heart beat.Then both our hands were like sweating.He sometimes makes me feel wanted.But I’m scared to fall in love.

  174.  #174Dawn on January 3, 2013 at 12:24 am

    Okay, so here is the thing. I met this man about 3 yrs ago. I’m in my mid 30’s and he is in his mid 50’s. We are both married, me I’m in a verbally abusive marriage, with kids involved. He is married (25 years) with no kids.

    Our relationship was a strict hand shake/ pat on the back one, until about 12 months ago.

    That’s when we started working one on one with each other. Our work which was for only about an hour a week put us alone together. Things quickly changed. He began giving me full frontal hugs, that were close, prolonged and very intimate. During these hugs he would smell my hair and start to say something and then stop. He would give me a lingering kiss on the top of my head ( he is much taller then I) or he would give me a lingering kiss on the side of my forehead down near my eyes. These hugs would generally end with my head resting on his chest or with my hand caressing his face. Sometimes he would shake my hand and then forget to let go of it for a few minutes, then his face would blush and he would quickly drop my hand. When we worked he would sit right next too me and generally our legs would touch as if they were intended to be connected. He would talk to me about my abussive relationship and a few times suggested I find someone else. He told me all the time that he loved me and that he’d be there if ever I needed him. We never spoke of what type of relationship we were having. I had very intense feelings for this man. When we would see each other on other days, when my husband or others were near, he would give me a side hug or a pat on the back. Once he told me that he had to be very careful because his wife was very jealous of him. This went on for probably for 10 months.

    This past summer he experienced a death in his family, we also had to stop our work to tackle other jobs. Then an odd thing happened his wife and i began to talk. Though we still seen each other he stopped hugging me and everything. In fact he actually started to hide from me. I was going through my own issues and our friendship began to wither. Then out of the blue he approached me alone and told me he still loved me and gave me an awkward hug. We had been away from one another emotionally for 4 months. He requested that we start working together again. Which we have, but the twist is my husband is working with us. Tonight he and I were alone in a dark parking lot and again there was that familiar intimate hug. I’m very confused. Is there something going on here or am I over reading this thing. I care very much for this man but respect our friendship too much to bring up this gentle matter. Before anyone says anything negative he isn’t one of those dirty old men who try to fill you up. He is a very gentle, kind and caring and though its going to sound hypocritical, he is a respected religious figure. I am fairly certain that I’m in love with him.

  175.  #175Rori Raye on January 3, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Dawn – There is no right answer here. I believe we all must resolve the relationships we’re in before looking for another man out there to rescue us. If you’re looking for this man to fall in love with you, leave his wife, and save you from your husband – that, in my world, is not the way to go. If you want to leave your husband, become single, start Circular Dating and see what life brings you – perhaps even, over time, this man – then that’s one option. If this were me, I’d do everything I could to change the dynamic and the verbal abuse in my marriage by standing up to it, and letting love and compassion fill all of my relating to myself and my kids and husband. Love, Rori

  176.  #176Beth on January 29, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Hi Rory,

    When I give feeling messages, the situation seems to go haywire and I can’t pinpoint where I’m going wrong. I was hoping you could help me figure it out.
    Some questions:

    1) When I give a feeling message to my boyfriend, he often gets defensive and then asks questions, ‘who makes you feel criticised?’ Am I right to answer ‘I dunno. I just feel that way?’ Recently, he became really angry because I told him, ‘I don’t know. I just that feel that way.’ Then when I used the line, ‘I don’t want to fight’ and left the room, he became even more angry saying he can’t stand me saying that.

    2) Have I got something wrong in the timing? How do i know when it’s a good time for a man? He often interprets my feeling messages as criticism. He either gets angry or rolls his eyes at me. I don’t feel like he likes feeling messages whatsoever.

    Thank you,


  177.  #177Rori Raye on January 29, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Beth – Incredibly great question – you have an extremely sensitive man – and the words you use are crucial – exactly HOW are you saying this? Are you using the words “feel criticized”? And then are you lying when you say “I don’t know?” instead of using “context” and being specific? And then there’s the walking away. – which sounds like you’re walking away WAY before a fight. You need to stand there and let a man express his anger, let him get defensive, and keep on communicating. Communicating intense emotions isn’t the same as fighting. What you don’t want to do is engage in hurling insults. So don’t YOU get involved in doing that, and if he does it over and over, then you walk.

    See how much you can TALK this through! Please get the ebook at least and learn the “negotiation” skills…Love Scripts would clearly be helpful to you…Love, Rori

  178.  #178Beth on January 30, 2013 at 12:39 am

    Thanks for responding Rori,

    I am saying, “I feel criticised.” I am lying when I say “I don’t know.” The reason I lied was because I thought it was a no-no to begin discussing his behaviour in any way. But I’ll try putting it into a context and see what happens like you’ve advised.

    Thanks again.

  179.  #179Mia on February 1, 2013 at 4:43 am

    Hi Rori

    I am on the commitment blueprint program as of four weeks ago. I have read your toxic man program. I have a question about something Ive been struggling with.

    I have been in a relationship with a man for two years. We are both 50. I have known him as a good friend for 15 years and a year ago he decided to move into my home. He shows all of the ‘action signs’ for commitment, he is very financially supportive of me and my kids, has taken us on overseas holidays to meet his family, bought me a car, tells people I am his wife (we are not married) always rushes home from work to me, phones me five times a day from work and tells me that he is in love with me. He tells me that I intrigue him more than any other woman he has met. He says he is attracted to my strength ( I am getting fed up with this). I can tell that he is overwhelmingly emotionally attracted to me. The sex is great and he says he cant understand why but that its best not to analyze it. He tells me that he loves coming home and that he has never had that before. He seems to need a lot of love and tells me ‘I just want you to love me”. I think he doesn’t really like himself.

    He has definitely been a toxic man in the past and a (motorcycle club) super tough (on the outside) bad boy. He became overwhelmingly attracted to me early on, eight weeks into the relationship when he woke in the middle of the night and sat bolt upright screaming at the top of his lungs that he was madly in love with me and that he thought there was something wrong with him but it had worked out that he was in love and that he thought he would never fall in love again but that he had.

    He is an extremely handsome, tall, well built man. He is more physically attractive than I am. He is very generous and loving. So all looks well.. ….. but he plays strange games.

    It started 6 weeks into the relationship when out of the blue he looked at me blankly and said “but what about my other two girlfriends?” I gently questioned him and he told me that were just like me and that they stayed at his house in his bed sometimes and that they were both younger than me. (One of them was actually older than me, it took me ages to find that out) He made comments to the effect that women are all the same and that we are interchangeable. “you girls…..” I felt sick and silently had a breakdown. He then told me not to worry that he treated this other two girlfriends like farm animals and that they liked being treated badly. I told him off (which shocked him) I told him that I could see he loved beautiful women, that all women are beautiful and NONE of us deserve to be mistreated, he agreed with this. I outwardly dismissed the idea of the girlfriends, I nicknamed them Trixie and Dixie and told him that they simply weren’t of the same calibre as me. Inwardly I was ripping myself apart and it bought me to my knees. Outwardly I was as cool as. He then said he wanted to have an open relationship and I said yes but that I would see other men too and that I would let him know all about them and that they wouldn’t be just any old men that they would be special. He responded saying that I had given him anxiety and he demanded exclusivity in quite a formal way.

    But, he has continued to snipe. He tries to get a reaction. I secretly accessed his phone records recently, I wanted to know what I was dealing with and what I found astounded me. He had phoned his two girlfriends and me each day until the day he committed to me which was 22 months ago but has not phoned a single girl since. He will take calls and pretend they are from a girl, speak in a soft voice and take the phone outside and then wait for my reaction. I have checked his phone and the calls are always from his male friends. He baits me. It is as if he is doing back to front lying, it is something to do with power and control.

    His jibes take the form of deliberately looking at other women when he takes me out and then shouting ‘haha I gotcha’ when I look; he comes home telling me all the hot chicks at the shops love him and frequently goes on about women fancying him. (Women do fawn over him, I have told him that I like him being so vain because it provides me with a constant source of amusement, when there are mishaps such as when gay men hit on him) He tells me that all the women at the gym wish they were me. This drives me mad.

    He says he wants to have a threesome (I dont) but I called his bluff and phoned a lady I know (she’s lovely) and she’s a sex worker, I told him he could talk to her and he sulked and got into bed and pulled the blankets over his head and hid like a child He pulled himself together and now teases me and about once a month says so wheres your hooker?I dont like this.

    I can hardly ever find the words to respond to him at the exact time and inside I have become a mess and I have confronted him with this this but he continues to do it.

    He has been awful to women as a younger man and has generally been the centre of a narcissistic harem. He admits that he has driven women mad “Ive had them running into fences and threatening to electrocute themselves”. He seems to like to portray himself as a sadistic bluebeard but really his actions dont match his words. He has been drug and alcohol free since being with me, this has been his choice. I have a tendency to study him.

    He did have a long term relationship with a woman (the mother of his child) who was even more narcissistic than he is, abusive, controlling and pathologically jealous, he is afraid of jealousy. She stalks us to this day, they separated 11 years ago. Interestingly she is bisexual and took other women to their bed (biker scene) but strangely physically attacked girls, punching them when they showed interest in him. I think she is nuts. I have told him that he shouldn’t disclose this to me and that it causes me to lose respect for his previous relationship. This seemed to fascinate him, the respect bit I mean.

    He tells me his former partner wouldn’t let him have any female friends. Ive told him that he can have as many female friends as he likes so long as they are his buddies and not girls on strings or recycled exes. I have made remarks about men who do this and inferred that that this poor behaviour and something that men without proper friends do.

    Surprisingly he has a great relationship with his mother, his daughter and sisters and has several platonic female friends. His friends and family love me because I have settled him down, he wears his friends out, he loves winding his friends up.

    Curiously when I do laugh at him for teasing me, and I can only laugh for real (I cant fake it) the laughter turns him on and he gets an erection straight away and wants to make love to me, but I’m getting too wound up and tired to laugh. Its as if he’s stress testing me but I’m getting exhausted inside. When I ignore him or dismiss him he panics. If I lose it emotionally then he’ll perceive weakness which would be very counter productive as he would become predatory, I have seen this in him. He responds really well to vulnerability in all other aspects except pertaining to his attractiveness and sexual prowess. He loves to see positive emotions in me, responds really well to feeling messages and adopts them as his own attitude and he loves it when I am confident and logical. He is terrified of negative emotions.

    He tells me that if I want to take a lover I can and he says he is not my intellectual equal and he worries about this and that I may need to be with a more intelligent man. He is actually fascinatingly bright but dyslexic. He says he has had problems with jealousy in the past and that he will not be jealous, I do not believe a word of this, he gets very anxious and competitive at the mere suggestion a male presence around me. I think he would erupt like a volcano if I slept with another man.

    I feel like throttling him, he is like a huge nine year old. I have enrolled myself in art school and told him that I love him but I have to do my own thing because this is my life. He is supportive of this.

    I secretly live in fear of the next comment that will take my breath away. He does it about once every two weeks, always out of the blue. Im sure he loves me and I love him and we have three almost adult children who love our relationship and home.

    He panics on occasion and worries that I am going to ask him to leave. He says he is scared that he is reliant on me. I am trying to negotiate a boundary without emasculating him. I say things like “oh, are you having a meathead moment” and then I walk off. Essentially he is a good man, rather dominant but he has a destructive streak that has narrowed with age.

    Rori, I am secretly getting worn out. I am afraid that he will wear me out and that I will not be able to keep ahead of him. Its as if hes trying to test me to find out if im real. How do I stop the game? I dont want to be living in some sort of contest, I think that he perceives it as a winner/ loser game. Do you have any tools or advice for me? thank you, Mia

  180.  #180Rori Raye on February 1, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Mia, Thank you so much for your powerful post – and in terms of giving you advice – I can’t. It seems to me you know exactly what you’re dealing with, and the choice is yours to either stay with him and build TRUST and LOVE – regardless of his mental stability and game-playing – and have faith that as you build this trust and safety for him, he will stop needing to lie so much and pretend to be so independent of you. And love him no matter what and get a sense of humor about all of this! – OR

    Just leave him.

    Trying to change him by pushing him to change or challenging him continually isn’t going to help you – it’s going to make you more miserable.

    If you can be happy with him and his level of need – stay. If you can’t, go. counseling is an option, too – perhaps he’d be into that so you could have a 3rd person help with the dialogue (watch Hope Springs to see how this works, and make sure you find a counselor who’s familiar with the most modern techniques (Mort Fertel is great, too…) Also – read Lew Eptein’s “Trusting You Are Loved” and leave it around so HE might pick it up, too. Love, Rori

  181.  #181Keshia on March 15, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Hi ,

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months and he helped me get my own place and he happens to stay with me, so now we’ve been living here for almost a month and one of his friends told him he got kicked out and if he could sleep a few times in the empty room . Now my bf let him but now it’s been almost 3 weeks and his friend is still here . I argue with him I think because this place was suppose to be for us to have our own privacy and also he has two friend who also rent upstairs and they all smoke weed and I don’t like that. And I also bitch at him about that . Can you help me out , I really want to stop arguing with my bf.

  182.  #182Rori Raye on March 16, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Keshia – are you paying for the apartment, or is he? Are you splitting the rent? This is a business transaction. Stop arguing, and simply say it isn’t working for you having a non-paying roommate, and that it doesn’t feel good to have another person in the apartment long-term (assuming you can pay for it yourself) – and that it would feel good having a timeline to help his friend move. Give it another few weeks and stay cool. If you can’t handle this without freaking out, the kind of man your boyfriend is will be angry at you for being “uptight.” If you believe you’re a match with your boyfriend – then adapt to him. If not, then kick them both out. Stay cool no matter what – no fighting over this – that’s the worst. Love, Rori

  183.  #183Adrienne on March 17, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Background info:

    I’ve been talking to this guy for about 2 months. I met him back in November, and at first we were just friends who hung out with a few mutual friends. I didn’t like him that much when I first met him because he’s sort of like a ladies man. He gets so much attention from females it’s crazy and that sort of turned me off because i assumed he was a player. Well in December, he and I had chances to get to know each other better and we would be hanging out and talking for HOURS. He would always tell me that he hasn’t had a conversation like the way we would talk in years (i guess because he’s used to having sex and not really holding intellectual conversations with people). after getting to know him, i really started liking him. January, I went off for school but he said that he wants to keep in touch. Little did I know that we would be talking on the phone and facetiming every single day. When he gets off of work (he’s 22), he calls me or we will facetime until he falls asleep. We’ve been doing that since i left for school. He’s even mentioned the fact that he thinks he’s falling for me.

    Now the issue:

    Saturday morning we were talking, like any other day. We got off the phone and I did not hear from him for the rest of the day. I texted him around 3:30 pm, no reply. I then called him around 10 that night. No answer. The next day I called him when I woke up. Still, no reply. This was unusual behavior because he always calls me back. Later that day I texted him saying to let me know he was okay because i was getting worried. He replied and said that he’s fine and he just needs some time to think about some things. I asked if it had to do with us, and he said “of course not”, but why be so distant from me? We talk about everything else. since then, I have not heard from him. I wanna give him space, but if this is gunna lead to him cutting things off with me then I would rather know now. But at the same time i don’t want to pressure him. What do you think i should do about this?

  184.  #184Rori Raye on March 18, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Adrienne – you sound so very young and inexperienced, and are going about this the wrong way. Long Distance does NOT work for young people in your situation. Please read my ebook and STOP CALLING HIM!!! He’s likely dating other women. Let him – let him know it’s okay, and that exclusivity feels like a bad idea from this distance…and please – YOU Circular Date like mad. Have FUN!!!! There’s plenty of time when you’re both settled in your lives and in the same city to see if this is something real that can last. Love, Rori

  185.  #185Octavia on March 19, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Good afternoon Rori. I really love and enjoy your work and insight. My question is I have been seeing this guy for almost a year. He says he is not ready for what I’m ready for and thats a relationship and at the same time we see each other everyday, he stays almost every night but he’s not ready. I realized I OVER FUNCTION from reading one of your weekly news letters. When I say I do it ALL is probably an understatement…LOL. He SHOWS how much he cares all the time and says he does not want to loose me and appreciates ALL that I do and just want to take it day by day. I also realized we are in an Uncommitted Relationship(from your news letter or Christian Carter’s). I feel that he is not seeing anyone else and just “SCARED”. I don’t want to loose him either, we are good together. What is your insight on this matter?

  186.  #186Rori Raye on March 20, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Octavia – Please just get the ebook and follow the instructions everywhere. Learn how to speak in Feeling Messages – STOP Overfunctioning. Stick to the 4 Rules. You can DO this – and quickly! Love, Rori