Attract Who You’re Being – Alanna Levenson

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Here’s a guest post from my great March interviewee, Alanna Levenson:

As women, being the emotional creatures that we are, we tend to get to a point in our lives where we start to reflect on where we are and how we got here. That self reflection involves taking a look at what we are up to at this stage in our life, regardless of what stage that might be, as well as the people that are we interact with on a regular basis. The reality of who those people are and what their most noticeable qualities might be can either be a harsh one or a proud one.

Have you ever wondered why you have the friends that you have? Whether you’re married, currently in a relationship, or out there dating, do you ever think to yourself “what am I doing to attract these types of men?”

It might not necessarily be what you’re doing or not doing, it’s most likely due to who you’re being.

So now you might be wondering, well what does that really mean, “who am I being?” Who a person is being may have something to do with actions you are taking but it’s more or rather how you approach what it is that you do.

It also has to do with the why you do what you do.

To dig a little deeper, it has more to do with what is it that you value and whether or not you are honoring those values.

Most people really don’t know what they value in the many different aspects of their lives, including relationships as a whole. If you did, the how and why of what you do would be crystal clear. As would the who is along right there with you.

Since we attract who we’re being, can you answer the question of who you’re being in the world?

Maybe a better place would be, whom you would you like to be?

Where it all really starts is to answer the question by acknowledging what type of relationship you have with yourself.

To honor your values is to love yourself, respect yourself, and to hold yourself of high importance. I’m no longer surprised by the many limiting beliefs people share with me, that supports how often are taught not to do such a thing.

The message is commonly packaged in the box of it’s selfish to think of yourself first. Granted, there are some women out there that practice it so much that they forget they need other people and end up isolating themselves. I’m not talking about those women.

It is such a positive benefit for women to have clarity around what they value and why.

In fact a great question to ask yourself is, “why is this important to me?”

For those single women out there who long to meet your soul mate, what would that do for you?

To be happy is not really the answer. The need for the soul mate then becomes the dependent factor in your having happiness and if the relationship doesn’t work out then you’re right back to seeking happiness again.

At this point, you are probably really starting to wonder, and it’s a good thing to do that, what it is that you truly value.

Start by making a list.

Write it out, don’t censor yourself and don’t hold back, this list is for you. Make it as long or as short as you like.

When you feel as though you’re complete with your list, now…

Ask yourself one value at a time, why it’s important to you.

What you just might discover is that one or more of those values really aren’t your value at all, it’s really someone else’s. You might even recognize who gave you that value. Was it a friend, a parent, or maybe even a sibling?

Start to cross some of them off your list, and then rate those left in order of importance.

Now that you have a more succinct list that you feel good about, look at your life as if you’re looking in the mirror, and you’ll start to see who you’re being.

The people in your life will provide you with the most crystal clear mirror you could ever have. Be courageous and bold in consideration of your reflection, and the choices you make from here will reflect the new you.

You can find out more about Alanna at her site www.I-love-my-life.com. Alanna’s a great coach, she walks her talk,  I loved being with her “energy” when we did the interview, and I look forward to referring to her when my client list get’s more than I can handle, and knowing her as a friend. If you’re curious what she might answer to a question of yours, contact her, and I’m sure she’ll have something to offer you…

Love, Rori

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35 Comments

  1.  #1Anne on May 9, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I met this wonderful man on Match.com and we really connected. He is 40. I am 32. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed alot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… (Although, I am getting much better… truly. I am making every effort to get healthy… for my sake, not his). I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. He seemed so sympathetic and understanding, though, and I really, REALLY like him. He has revealed alot of personal things about himself to me, too. I am finding myself caring very much about him. We even got very intimate physically very fast (though I haven’t slept with him yet… but we have come close). It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating. I fear that he was kind of freaked out by all my problems, as he has many issues of his own. He suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and is in between jobs at the moment. But I am very empathetic to his plight, I really am, but it doesn’t seem to help. He was married for 15 years and got divorced two years ago. I don’t think he is quite over that yet. He told me that he really has strong feelings for me and is very attracted to me, but he is afraid of hurting me because he thinks this will not work out in the end. But, I don’t agree. I think this could go somewhere (although, I know that there are no guarantees). I also feel like I should be the one to judge how strong how I am.. He should not. I feel like I am willing to take the risk. We still talk (just chatting on facebook), and it seems that he is still interested (he tells me how much he likes me), but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes.. even if we are just starting out as friends and taking it slowly. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am quite willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?

    Thank you.



  2.  #2Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I was fortunate to have read a book in my 20s about relationships that suggested BECOMING the person you want to marry. I totally agree. I should spend my energy working on myself, rather than on searching for a man or trying to work on a man.

    Of course, that’s easier said than done, but I thought it was neat how my last man focused on picking my brain, or shall I say, my spirit, about my beliefs. It was largely a spiritual friendship, and that meant a lot to me, because God and the Bible are at the center of my life. So I attracted what I had become.

    Now if I could just get the rest of my life together! 🙂 I know, baby steps!



  3.  #3Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Anne – Welcome, and I wish I could be more encouraging – but men are all about ATTRACTION – and it doesn’t always make sense. It’s possible that what you told him had some effect on him – or perhaps it was just that he doesn’t feel very masculine and he seems you as either delicate and fragile and too much to handle, or as “stiff upper lip” and too masculine. I can’t tell form your letter. What I CAN tell is that your focusing on him is showing your lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and that vibe is enough to lower a man’s attraction. There are women who you might call a “mess” who attract men like crazy. It’s because no matter how messy their life, this kind of women (I lost two men to one (in particular) like this…) seems to be actually very “picky” about a man – and no matter how fragile she seems – she never really gives herself over to a man. This kind of woman is a messy “diva” – and it works, up to a point. The woman I refer to dumped both the men I lost to her, and later lost her new and fabulous husband to a well-known, strong, capable woman who was totally NOT messy – AND I know a woman who’s financial and general life was a mess who attracted an incredible man FOREVER…so…long-term and short-term attraction are things to consider here, too…No matter what – you must focus on YOU…Love, Rori



  4.  #4Brenda on May 10, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Hi Anne,

    Welcome! I tend to tell a man too much too soon, also. I am trying to break away from this, but for me, it stems from my past “strategy” of telling a man the worst about me up front. That way, if he was going to reject me, he’d reject me before it became too painful. But since then, I’ve realized my past approach was self-sabotaging. A man won’t typically make that “second commitment” (love no matter what) until AFTER he’s gotten to know you and fall in love with you. I am saying this to myself, because, even tho I now realize that, I still tend to slip, since it’s become habit for me to be way too gut-level honest too soon.

    As for what you can do, probably nothing. Rori is all about leaning back, like a water wheel, and letting him come to you. If it were me, I’d probably say something anyway, just to give it a shot, but I know Rori would advise against that.

    The natural flow of things in relationships, from a psychological stand-point, is that if I am trying to convince him, that is, moving toward him, then he is trying to resist me, moving away from me. So if I lean back, that is opening the energy for him to come towards me.

    Sometimes all we can do is give it time. I was on the phone and email with a chef about a month ago, and he never followed thru on meeting me after first I, then he, had to cancel due to valid things that came up. Now just today, he sent me a funny email, apparently opening back up communication. I hope your man comes back in your direction!



  5.  #5Simply Shannon on May 10, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Going to start a list. I value my sleep more right now, so it will have to wait til tomorrow. 😉 It’s funny that this is the 2nd day in a row that I’ve read something about finding out what you value. Thank you God! I got the message.



  6.  #6Brenda on May 11, 2010 at 6:50 am

    Hi Simply Shannon! What is your list about?



  7.  #7Kismet on May 11, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    How do you deal with a man who loves you and you love but he has a history of having trouble letting people get close to him emotionally? I know he’s been left behind many many times since he was a child. I met his foster parents and they warned me he has trouble with close relationships with people.

    He’s committed and loves me a lot. But when we argue, he says all the things he don’t mean. I feel like I always have to challenge him to be a man, or challenge how he really feels because a part of me knows he just has too much pride and is angry. I also feel like he says these things (not on purpose) to see if I’m there to stay, if I’m someone he can trust and open up to.

    Today we argued. I did not argue. I was firm in what I said. His reaction doesn’t change whether I use feeling messages or not. He told me all the things that are wrong right now with us. Told me I’m not the kind of woman he wants, yet tells me I’m all the woman he ever wants when we’re happy and well. He made excuses. Told me to go away. I said Fine. I’ve always rooted for him and put my faith in him that he’s not what others say and assume he is. I’ll keep everything I’m going through a secret so they won’t be right, so I’m not a fool to them. I’m forced to have abortion if he won’t be there and how can he look at himself when he’s put me through all this, lied to me? Be mad that I thought about abortion when he’s the one who doesn’t care anymore what I do? He said if he dies today, no one will come to see him because no one likes him. I guess he believes that because his real family is a mess and no one cares for his family, especially when his mother says horrible things about him. So I said, I will but I don’t matter to you. I deal with you when you push me away, I deal with you when you’re difficult, I deal with you when you have trouble letting me in. What more do you want? He said I do matter and he’s just saying shit. That he’s just angry and to forget about all he said. I told him he can’t just use words recklessly like this when my life and baby is on the line.

    I just don’t know. I guess I got through him, like several times in the past. But I am always “sitting, waiting, wishing” for him to get past it. I feel like our roles are switched when it comes to this. I feel like I have to be the strong one in this part because he is weaker here. I do not beg him but only say what I need to say, stand my ground firmly and try to make a man out of him. It works but puts me through a lot also.



  8.  #8Kismet on May 11, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    “For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship,
    and understand the things YOU want in that relationship,
    YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.

    Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out
    there and be vulnerable.

    Scary!

    It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen
    and understand where’s he’s at and where’s he’s coming from.

    Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps
    towards creating the relationship you dream about.

    But you’ve got to be careful to not become the woman who
    gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.”

    -http://relationships.blog-city.com/push_a_man_away_and_make_him_withdraw.htm

    How do you know when you’re just being patient and understanding where he’s coming from and when you’re giving everything just to be walked all over on?



  9.  #9Kismet on May 11, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    The way we are, makes me think of the song “She is love” – Parachute. But whether he sees it that way or not, I don’t know. He’s said I have a good heart, a pure heart. I’m all the women he wants, the love of his life, woman of his dreams. Told me to hold his hands and never let go because he will never let me go. The words he say about himself, makes me feel he’s very hurt. Pride and shame, they’re all the same.

    She is Love – Parachute

    I’ve been beaten down, I’ve been kicked around,
    But she takes it all for me.
    And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
    But she makes me want to believe.

    They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x2)
    She is love, and she is all I need.
    She’s all I need.

    Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
    And she waited patiently.
    It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
    And she put me on my feet.

    They call her love, love, love, love, love. (x3)
    She is love, and she is all I need. (x3)



  10.  #10Brenda on May 12, 2010 at 6:48 am

    Hi Kismet,

    I’ve dealt a lot with a man who was distrustful of close relationships, too. I feel your pain.

    Rori is all about saying exactly how you feel, NOT letting a man trample your heart. At the times he says things in anger that later he says he didn’t mean, it still hurts, and even if he doesn’t mean it, it doesn’t make it less hurtful. At those times, Rori’s tools say to leave the room or leave the house. You don’t even have to say a word…he’ll get the message. Or you could say, “I feel crushed.” or something like that. Another tool is to physically communicate your heart’s feelings. For example, you could crumble to the floor and hold your hands over your heart with your head down. That would communicate the pain you feel wordlessly, because he’s apparently not tuning in to your pain.

    Try to avoid blame and making him wrong. It’s hard not to do when you’re in the moment. I’ve tried stuff like this with my man, “I can tell you’re angry right now.” Sometimes they just need someone to acknowledge and make them aware of THEIR emotions.

    Work on starting sentences with “I feel…” “I feel like I was just hit with a ton of bricks.” “I feel hopeless.” “I feel discouraged.” You are welcome to practice your feeling messages here on Siren Island, and we all got your back! 🙂



  11.  #11Brenda on May 12, 2010 at 6:50 am

    Another tool I found works, not a Rori tool, is to say, “I don’t want to fight with you! I love you!”

    But Rori also says to set your boundaries with lots of “I want…” “I don’t want…” “I need…” statements.



  12.  #12Daria on May 12, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Kismet – It sounds to me like you’re going way into masculine energy and pushing him away that way.

    you DO NOT have to make him a man! That is actually disrespectful to him.

    Also I feel concerned about how you’re using feeling messages:

    you wrote ” I feel like I always have to challenge him to be a man, or challenge how he really feels because a part of me knows he just has too much pride and is angry. I also feel like he says these things (not on purpose) to see if I’m there to stay, if I’m someone he can trust and open up to. ”

    these are not feelings. these are thoughts!! this is a HUGE difference and may even be the root of the problem in the arguments (on your side)

    I feel like I always have to challenge him. = I THINK that I always have to challenge him.

    I feel like he says these things = I THINK that he says these things.

    Rori
    Feeling messages are only: sad, mad, glad, afraid.

    and variations on those. Hiding a thought by saying the word FEEL does NOT work. It is directive and still masculine and in his business.

    You can say something like… oh i feel bad hearing that.

    or ohhh I feel good.

    or ohh… i feel worried.

    If you are speaking to him the things that you wrote in the argument… then yes you will be pushing him away.

    practice using only feeling messages. True feeling messages. practice NOT saying stuff like “what more do you want?” and blaming him

    it is a HUGE shift, but I think this relationship is important to you since you want to keep your baby only if he’s in it with you you said.



  13.  #13Daria on May 12, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Kismet – I feel panicked and triggered reading about your situation.



  14.  #14Kismet on May 13, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I did not intend to use “feel” here as feeling messages. Just the implication I get from him. And its not that I’m disrespecting him. He choose to make a big deal out of the situation. I don’t argue and only get to the point of the matter. He makes me the wrong one all the time and ignores and gets arrogant and says things he doesn’t mean. I don’t mean “make a man out of him” I meant, challenging him to stay on topic and get at the heart of the matter.

    Sometimes I think I’m too scared to just let myself be angry and rock the boat even more. I tend to want things to be calm and safe and understanding so I keep my cool. I want to walk away sometimes but I don’t believe in second chances. It’s either he’s in or he’s out, no wishy washy decisions. So if I were to walk away, I would not let him back, and he might have too much pride to come back. =/

    I just sensed a lot of self-hatred in his words that’s why I chose to talk him through it, which worked because suddenly he stopped when he knew that I cared and that he does care for me. But honestly, our arguments aren’t bad if we had them in person and not in text because he can see me. There have been times where he’s so rude to me and I was so hurt, but I stood my ground and his arrogance wore down and he got over it.

    Daria, thanks. I’m still confused what the difference is between “I’m mad” and “I feel mad.” Also, to me it seemed like there’s no difference if I use either with him. And the situation reminded me of that one post about The Bachelor where the girl had to be in her boy energy for the Bachelor because he was the scared one. I honestly thought that it would be me that the guy would have to get through to, not the other way around.



  15.  #15Daria on May 13, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Kismet – I hear you. I don’t want to pressure you and control you, and I feel kinda not secure and concerned about u.

    I would love to read about you using Rori’s tools, including the “I feel” messages instead of I am, and then seeing how that feels for you, and what insights you get on your own,

    rather than my telling u what I think

    For me, it felt LIFE CHANGING to actually use I feel rather than I am. Part of that was that I braved my feeling so uncomfortable to use NEW words… the next part was that the new words literally changed the way I THINK in my head… and I was able to access a world of feelings, spirit, wonder, INSIDE ME

    Rori’s tools have truly been magical for me, and I think they can be for anyone… who uses them and looks for their feelings and messages as they do so

    As far as feeling attacked… I practice saying: I feel bad… and I feel attacked… and ending the conversation or leaving the room UNTIL I FEEL BETTER

    I am babystepping and it’s workign for me… in intense situations for example with my family.



  16.  #16Kismet on May 13, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    For me right now, using feeling messages makes me feel like a little kid because I’m not used to it and sounds systematic. But I’ll work on it.



  17.  #17Daria on May 13, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    yes! great! thats how it feels at first. And then, to feel those feelings of awkwardness and embarassment

    and embrace them is great too and it really expands your comfort zone with yourself.

    that was my first step

    it feelt very VULNERABLE for me to feel that way



  18.  #18Kismet on May 13, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    I just realized that for most of us we can say, ‘i feel awkward’ and it sounds just fine. but more personal feelings like mad and sad makes us feel…uncomfortable and vulnerable because we have not said it since childhood. and we use it as us as an entity of who we are at that time instead of as any other feelings.



  19.  #19Daria on May 13, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Kismet – yes! I feel glad to read this!

    Saying “i feel angry” at first felt so vulnerable for me!

    I thought the other person would say and think:…

    haha… u feel angry… who cares what you feel… that is so weak!! I am going to crush you!

    but that didnt happen. though of course, it CAN happen, but those times won’t matter

    because being vulnerable is actually attractive and strong, not weak

    in fact, when i share my feelings i feel embarassed of, like i feel humiliated (ack i feel tightened just typing that… i haven’t shared so much of humiliated…) and I feel Scared…

    or i feel embarassed…

    then sometimes other people are startled… and intrigued… and then they start to do it too!!

    not to mention that I FEEL GOOD

    saying our feelings boosts my inner self esteem – like the part of me inside is like wow! she cares enough about me to say me!

    i think this is part of what Rori teaches in the Heart Connection Toolkit… how to talk to ourselves too



  20.  #20Kismet on May 13, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    I feel annoyed and irritated that my boyfriend would point out my lack of trust, when he is the one who says I can’t talk to another guy on the phone for a long time. Isn’t he the one who doesn’t trust then? >=3

    I mean, I don’t even care if he talks to a lady friend for awhile if they have to catch up or just talk about issues. BUT it does make me feel worried because me and him have nothing to say on the phone. At the most we talk for 10 minutes. And it makes me feel inadequate. It makes me worry that he would have more to say to some other girl than to me. But I know they’re just friends so whatever. Yet when I asked him, his answer is a definite no for me. And he said she’s the first one he’s talked to on the phone since we dated. For me, I feel guilty whenever a guy friend wants to talk on the phone because I know that if he sees my call history, he would think wrong also. But when he does that, I’m wrong for bringing it up and have to deal with him not wanting to talk about it. Then I feel hopeless, like what’s the point talking about it when men don’t want to talk? When I should do things to change it?

    Then I’m scared that I might end up one of those women who wait for their significant other to come home. When their lover works too much and doesn’t have time, even if it’s just to celebrate their birthday or anniversary. He had to work last time on my birthday, so he said he’ll make it up to me with the party this saturday. Yet he forgot and might not make it depending on my aunt, his boss. I feel disappointed…that he’d forget he was the one who said we could have the party this saturday and wasn’t listening when I told him I invited my friends already. And then I remember when we dated and how hurt his ex was on her bday and him saying he feels bad and will make it up to her bc none of her friends came to celebrate her bday. I feel mad that he would consider her like that but will say he can’t for me.

    Ugh. Too much. My heart is starting to beat faster just thinking about all this.



  21.  #21Lara on May 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    HEALING MY HEART ~ I am seeking to make myself more lovely and forgiving myself. I did all the leaning forward mistakes that a woman can possibly make to try and change and fix, fix, fix a king-like alpha man. He wasn’t in his purpose, chewed tobacco, used foul language, wallowed, socialized a lot, fought with an ex-wife over their child and got drunk sometimes to deal with stress. (This child landed in my lap). I made him wrong ALL the time and became an emotional reactive mess. I revisited the feelings of growing up around alcohol abuse and angrily over reacted to everything. I sought dominance to feel safe and avoid abandonment. He went away and closed the door on me. I lost his heart or perhaps maybe it was never mine in the first place. I will never try to change a man again. I finally learned you have to accept a man as he is and love them anyway!! And I will not make myself less healthy in order to keep a toxic man that I love and admire. He reminded me of that story of the eagle who thought he was a chicken. I know his greatness. I’m closing the window on him. He is leaving me for other women. I’m going to do Rori’s tools and get unhooked. I’m getting busy. I’ve got to be believe a better man will show up who lights up at my dreams! A man who believes happiness is not a fairytale 🙂 A man who happily gives to me 🙂 I’M THE GIFT. I’m going to start living a sweet single life and stop being scared of being alone in the future.



  22.  #22Rori Raye on May 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Lara – Good for you!!! Love, Rori



  23.  #23Lara on May 16, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Krismet ~ I just read a little about your situation. It’s great that you are using feeling messages! If I could turn back time that’s what I would do to help prevent a break up and start a positive bonding experience through the difficult times. What a great way to get to know your man! If you feel distance between you and your man perhaps just saying “I miss you” might shift something? Remember he must love and fix himself. Men are so good at fixing things in general and around the house. Men are better at carrying heavy things too, so let go. I would say cultivate a merry heart and get rid of any resentment if you want to save this relationship. Dig deep and remember what you respect about him.

    I say this from the experience of losing my man from being angry, insecure, distrustful, jealous and scared. I pushed him away and made assumptions that he didn’t love me or care about me. If your man has a trust issue please put your needs aside and listen closely to him and open your heart and him questions. Just don’t try to solve his problems or steer him in any direction or teach him anything.

    In the quiet of a dark night, in bed, my man once said I took him for granted. I was so mad at being taken for granted I angrily dismissed his comment completely and went to sleep feeling hurt. I didn’t listen and I didn’t say how I felt. I was closed. And today…you bet, I would like to know what I did to make him feel that way.

    If you speak in I feel messages perhaps his man “protection” mode might kick in? Be vulnerable and totally authentic. Femininity is powerful and your man cares about what you think of him more than you care about what he thinks of you. Be soft…Men have an achilles heel. And if we are critical, angry or making them wrong we emasculate them. Lots of men are scared they are a failure. I’ve met 60 year old husbands who have masculine, busy wives. These men are typically weak and depressed and don’t do anything right for the “woman” of the house who has all the answers. Be gentle and don’t “take care” of him because of his painful and lonely past. Be mild and if you surrender, get into your feminine spirit and be playful and communicate your feelings respectfully there can be room for him to be the giver. I was so hurt, scared, angry, overwhelmed and confused… by the time I learned how to communicate with my difficult man he was long, long gone.

    The beauty of a woman is in the secret person of the heart. Make yourself lovely 🙂 When we are angry we lose. Seek to understand your man and take super good care of yourself. Express your internal beauty and move your body in a way the speaks to his masculinity. Look into his eyes and give a special smile that’s just for him. Don’t be afraid to be quiet…communication can be overrated!! Good luck.



  24.  #24kismet on May 16, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Lara,
    Thank you so much for your reply. I agree with you. I don’t know what to do with my insecurity. I don’t know whether I should mention it. I know its wrong and disrespectful to look through his phone, but I have worked on it and only look when my intuition tells me something is off about the way he’s behaving. I noticed that he keeps talking with his lady friend for hours,(sometimes in the middle of the night and she calls many times when he’s asleep and doesn’t answer. She has a boyfriend so idk why she calls him but not her bf or girls). but I figured she’s just a friend and I don’t mind. But he says its wrong for me to talk to a guy for that long. It’s unfair. SO though it’s wrong, what does it matter if I find something anyways?

    I told him today I do not mean to attack him when I say these things. I told him I believe in him and trust him and will hear what he has to explain so he doesn’t have to be so defensive and angry or feel attacked. Said I only seek to understand me, him, us. he said he knows that. I did notice that by staying calm, even though he was angry I brought up my fears about the phone calls, he eventually did other things then start talking with me. Then I saw him thinking deeply about something. he said he was thinking about food lol. Then he told me to come to him and held me in his arms lovingly.

    Then today I also thought that I probably don’t give him enough of what he needs–loving and whatever he needs that I don’t know because he doesn’t communicate it to me. I felt scared but knew I needed to relax. I want us to be in that place of adorement and lots of love again before my pregnancy, before seeing the texts he sent with his bad habit of saying “babe” to girls, before he made a new lady friend and started talking to her on the phone a lot.

    And I just think, if I wasn’t pregnant and going to be married, I’d be circular dating right now to keep myself busy, relaxed, etc. So I don’t get jealous. So I’m not always with him and have him start un-appreciating my presence by texting other people constantly. I want him to want me again in the way he first did. I sense that he thinks I’m sexy and all, but he doesn’t see the side he wants in a woman he’s going to be committed with: mature, motherly, naturally talkative. I feel worried when he’s on the phone longer with another girl, even if she has kids and a boyfriend or whatever. I feel unappreciated and ignored right now. I want to regain my strength on the inside and feel like a goddess again.



  25.  #25kismet on May 16, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    I also told him I don’t like the bad feeling in my stomach when I feel something is wrong. I want to prove or disprove it and hope I would be disproved so I can get it over with. If i was proved right, then my intuition is right, if I’m wrong, then I know I’m wrong and just scared from my one past experience with him when he left me at the club while he went to get a drink and hugged a girl who he knew there. nothing happened but from where I was standing I couldn’t see if he was only hugging her or not so I was so scared. yesterday we were at the club and he wanted to go smoke and wouldn’t let me go with him. he kept checking his phone also, for what I wouldn’t know. I said i’ll go but he claimed it was cold and lots of smoke plus I don’t like smoke. since i didn’t want to be left alone he said I could dance with his boys and I said I don’t want to. When he lets me dance with guys I feel like he doesn’t care, or he sees it as if i do it, then he will also. So he ended up not going to smoke outside and continued dancing then he got a drink after a minute. I was so scared he was going to leave me there, maybe he’ll go meet up with his lady friend he talks on the phone with bc she works there. Maybe he’ll hug her, and maybe he’ll kiss her.

    So I just really wanted to get that fear over with.



  26.  #26Elizabeth on August 20, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Hi, I need your help. I met this man las December, he is 35 and I am 42, he started to calling me and text msg me 20 or more times a day. I told him I was too old for him. he kept being really, nice with me giving roses, ultil I accepted to be his girl friend. for 3 months, until we had sex, then he told me he only wants to be my friend, I accepted but It is not what I want, He made feel fall in love with him with all his attentions and beautiful words. we are friends now, he text msg me every day just to say have a good day and take care, we do go out every week. I told him I want to be his girlfriend he said no. He only wants to be my friend and does not want to loose my friendship.

    Please Help.



  27.  #27Rori Raye on August 20, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Elizabeth, so sorry – and it is really important to believe a man when he says he’s not into you. It’s not personal – he loves you – he just feels friendship and not “forever-ness.” Please, please Circular Date, get some experience (you sound quite inexperienced with men…) and stop contact completely with this man for now. it will help you get over it and past it and get what you want. He is not what you want…He was a nice thing while it lasted…and now you’re on to the next man. Love, Rori



  28.  #28Janel on October 23, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Hello ladies I have have a terrible time with identifying my values in life. I don’t understand what values are, I get confused with things I like, need, want and or things that I am willing to comprimise with. Learning my own personal values is very important to me. I know why I have troulbe with this (values of others have always been pushed on me, and dispite my rebellon the confusion maintains). If you can help point me in the right direction in uncovering my persona values in life I would be ever so greatful. Thank you Janel a Goddess of African Roots



  29.  #29Scarlet on November 21, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Rori, can you explain to to us the boundries between self-confidence/self esteem and being vulnerable/weak? How could you be prickly confident and also vulnerable at the same time? I guess I’m confused about this two concept. I have been always trying to be strong as a woman, but obviously I’m not so confident as I seem to be and fear to show my weakness. I believe many women would like to know the difference in action and attitude in real life between these two things. Thanks.



  30.  #30Rori Raye on November 21, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Scarlett – when you allow yourself to be vulnerable – undefended – you ARE confident. You can’t share your vulnerability without being confident. It’s your opinion about that vulnerability that’s getting in your way – and what we think “looks like” confidence. Love, Rori



  31.  #31Scarlet on November 23, 2010 at 5:56 am

    thanks. I understand vulnerability means in definition, but don’t know what it is in real life. Can you give me a few examples that when woman expresses or shows her vulnerabilities? Thanks!



  32.  #32sia on November 23, 2010 at 6:13 am

    hi scarlet,
    this thread is old and hardly anybody can see your posts here.
    This is the newest thread with most comments:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/he-cant-love-you-if-you-dont-love-you

    as to your question: pretending confidence would be when, let’s say after you hear some cold remark, you say: that’s fine, dont worry (when you are feeling insecure and alone inside)

    vulnerability and strength would be saying: I feel weird saying this.. but I feel so alone and insecure when I hear this.. what do you think?/can you help?



  33.  #33Emily on April 7, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Hi Rori. I have gone through a couple of incidents now with very same aspects in common. First, I meet a guy who is head-over-heels for me. They pursue me, ask me out for dates, and there is no doubt of thier attraction towards me. BUT, I always manage to mess it up. We reach a point where I begin to feel the same way towards them, and I realize that I REALLY want this man. I start putting more effort into attracting him, which seems to only turn them away. They stop calling me, emailing me, and in both cases, moved on to another girl so fast it was as if they never met me. What is it I do wrong? Are women not supposed to work at all to facilitate a relationship? Thank you very much for advice and you are very inspiring!



  34.  #34Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.



  35.  #35Lola on November 3, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Hi Rori,

    First of all, I want to say that you are awesome. I love your advice. Well, recently I discovered that my fiance was going to a happy ending massage parlor behind my back. Not only this, but he lied to me and then had the audacity to blame it on me because he thought I was going to cheat on him while I was away because a family member passed away (I have never cheated on him and we have been together 3 years). I am a very faithful partner..always attentive to his needs whether it be emotionally or sexually. He has had a shady past, but I like to think people can change and thought he was over the poor decisions of his shady youth. What am I to do? Do you think there would ever be a chance of continuing with him? Should I break it off? Move out? All? Please let me know.