Avoid The Dating Pitfall That Keeps You From Meeting Your Mr. Right

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Here’s a great guest post from my amazing relationship coach friend Lisa Copeland at http://www.findaqualityman.com:

by Lisa Copeland

Time and Time again, I hear these discouraging words from my coaching clients: “There are just no good men out there for me to date.”

That would be true if you hate online dating, dislike going to bars, would “rather not” when it comes to singles dances or just don’t like the idea of speed dating and going from man to man in a matter of minutes.  For sure, it’s going to feel like no men are out there for you.

I know this is a common thought as well after a really bad date.  You get discouraged and think every man out there is a jerk and sometimes they are.  But if you let this one incident ruin your dating life you won’t be in the right frame of mind to meet great men and you could end up spending Saturday nights alone or with girlfriends.

Now, I want to share this huge secret with you-QUALITY MEN ARE EVERYWHERE and more and more of them are coming onto the dating scene daily looking for a new partner as their long marriages have ended.  The best news is they want to meet women just like you!

So, I want to show you how you can start finding those quality men who are out there. Truthfully the best way to meet them is at an online dating site.  Our age group is one of the biggest populations at online dating sites.   Yet for many, this option is no longer appealing.

Many women are looking for a more organic way to do this-meaning finding men in their area on their own.   You can meet lots of men this way!  Start by taking a good look again at all the types of men you are open to dating so you know what you are looking for.

Once you have this picture in your head, it’s time to figure out where these men are hiding so you can begin meeting them on a daily basis.  What kinds of classes interest you? Would men be at any of them?  If not, think of new interests that might include men such as a cooking class or a wine tasting.  Common pursuits make starting a conversation with a man so much easier.

Next, start thinking of places men might be. Here are some examples-the racetrack, a casino, dog parks, a sporting event (you can just feel the testosterone here!), your local grocery story or Meet Ups in your area just to name a few.

Get yourself to these places and plug into a man’s DNA need to help a damsel in distress.  Sit next to a man and ask him questions like which horse do you think looks like a winner?  Or I’m not sure how to play this game; can you give me a tip?

If you do want to get fixed up, turn every friend, relative, and co worker into a ‘Dating Fairy God Mother’ by telling them you are available and if they know someone could they please fix you up?  Your ‘Dating Fairy God Mothers’ need to be constantly reminded you are single.  This is the only way fixing up is going to work for you.

And lastly, when you have that bad date, remember this is only about one man.  He doesn’t represent the entire male population. There are good men out there.  It’s just going to take a bit of patience along with time and energy on your part to find them.

I know you can do it so get started right now by figuring out where you’d like to begin meeting new men.  Choose one-whether it’s a class; an event or fix ups by a friend and watch your dating life turn around quickly.  Have Fun with it and know that great man is just around the corner waiting to be found by you!

Love, Lisa

From Rori: Lisa’s a specialist in dating for women over 50 – which means she can help YOU no matter what!  If you’re looking around for a dating coach, go look at Lisa at http://www.findaqualityman.com

I loved interviewing Lisa – I truly thought her attitude and personal story and the way she coaches is inspiring –  and totally transferable to you just from talking with her.


 

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 16, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Thanks



  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 16, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Get yourself to these places and plug into a man’s DNA need to help a damsel in distress. Sit next to a man and ask him questions like which horse do you think looks like a winner? Or I’m not sure how to play this game; can you give me a tip?



  3.  #3Daria on August 16, 2012 at 7:30 am

    musical engineering classes! urban photography! sports bars (but i feel bored thinking fo ‘having’ to follow sports im not that into)

    gambling spots (ick again… do i HAAAAVE to ?/??? )

    ack

    lol



  4.  #4Femininewoman on August 16, 2012 at 8:16 am

    ” How to Have a 15-Minute Orgasm Using Nothing But an Apple
    (And Nicole Daedone’s Book) ”
    By: Tera Warner

    Ladies,
    Before you wriggle in your chair or get all blushy-faced about what I am about to say, allow me to explain my rather provocative title…

    It All Started In January

    In preparing for the WISH Summit interviews this year, I was determined to get Nicole Daedone, the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. My dear friend, Dr. Lissa Rankin was telling me all about how Nicole’s work had transformed her life, so I knew I needed to get a taste of this! Given her schedule and writing commitments, it was NOT easy to schedule a call with Nicole, but we did it.
    To help me prepare for the call, I bought a copy of her book, Slow Sex and started reading it. It was the beginning of January, and I was actually on my way to deliver a keynote presentation at the T-Tapp Beauty Bootcamp. Once I cracked the book open, I didn’t close it again until I had devoured every single page!
    While I would have completely expected to be focused on my presentation and preparing for my upcoming event, I could do nothing but read this book. I was shocked and surprised at my reaction! I wasn’t even close to feeling ready for the presentation the next day, and so why on Earth wasn’t I able to unglue myself from this book and work on my presentation!

    Then I Got It!
    It was 3:00 in the morning on the day I was going to give my presentation, and I decided that I was going to show a room full of about 100 women how to have a 15-minute orgasm.
    *gasp*
    And I was going to do it using nothing other than an apple.
    Now, when I announced my intention to the room of T-Tappers, they were wriggling in their chairs and turning a rosy shade in the cheeks just like you did when you read the title of this post.
    Some rolled their eyes and snorted.
    Some giggled a shy giggle.
    Some hooted and hollered a resounding cheer!
    But the one thing that was very clear was that lmost every woman in that room was operating with the WRONG definition of “orgasm” and I was about to completely rewire the way they were thinking.

    So, What Is “Orgasm”?
    As Nicole Daedone so eloquently points out throughout her book and in all her workshops, “orgasm” has been misunderstood as being synonymous with “climax”–which is a very masculine way of understanding orgasm.
    Here’s a new definition for you to consider:
    “Orgasm is the ability to receive and respond to pleasure.” -Nicole Daedone
    Well, now doesn’t that take on a whole, new meaning. The days of huffing and puffing and moaning like a porn star are over, Ladies! It’s time to tune into your pleasure and completely redefine and re-experience your sensual potential like never before!

    How Do You Do It?
    In Nicole’s book she elaborates in great detail about a technique known as “OM” (Orgasmic Meditation). Without going into the details (you can get the book and find out for yourself) what I will say is that part of the success of the technique comes about because of the things that are stripped away from what we usually associate with sex and intimacy.
    There is no reciprocity in this technique (other than the man’s own pleasure derived from being completely attentive and responsive to his partner).
    There aren’t even naked bodies!
    There’s no music, no expectations about climax or orgasm at all.
    There’s no caressing, no kissing, no moaning to put on a good show.
    There is, however, a whole lot of attention on the tiny, left, upper quadrant of the clitoris, and THAT is everything you need to completely redefine what you thought about sex, intimacy, or gasm and pleasure!

    So What the Heck Does That Have to Do With An Apple?

    Well, one of the big lessons we have to learn when coming on board the raw food diet, or just any healthy diet, is to simplify. We’re going to strip away the social pressure to eat and socialize the way everyone else says we’re supposed to eat and socialize.
    We’re going to stop putting on a show with our food, by making it elaborate, rich and highly processed, and get back to whole, simple foods.
    We’re going to SLOW DOWN and become aware of the sensations going on in our body.
    Wait for hunger to rise, then let it persist and insist for a while before you eat. Let yourself salivate and FEEL your hunger. Feel the pull in your stomach asking for something. The longer you wait to give it to yourself, the better it will taste.
    Feel the air on your skin as you reach for a succulent apple. When you do finally pick up the apple, take your time. Go slowly. Feel it–the weight of the apple in your hand, the pressure in your palm, the temperature of the peel on your fingertips.
    Bring it slowly to your lips, but don’t eat it!
    Smell.
    Touch.
    Breathe.
    Feel it as much as you can. Let it caress your cheeks and lips.
    THIS is your ability to receive and respond to pleasure. You can be completely orgasmic every moment of the day by simply receiving and responding to pleasure.
    Unfortunately, most of us are jamming food down the pipes with one hand on the steering wheel and another on the cellphone. Being addicted to the stimulation of processed, highly spiced, fatty, salty, sweet foods and the chronic “bing” of another text message or email coming in is never going to bring you the kind of pleasure that comes from slowly, attentively, seductively eating an apple.
    You can learn a lot more abou t Nicole Daedone and her OM technique, as well as the principles described in her book, Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm by tuning into her upcoming interview during the WISH Summit.



  5.  #5Daria on August 16, 2012 at 8:40 am

    T-tapp!



  6.  #6bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 8:53 am

    oooh awe-some : )



  7.  #7April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 8:56 am

    (((((Femininewoman)))))

    Since yesterday I have been thinking about the comment you wrote me, and I steel feel tingly in my heart and teary-eyed. You said that any man would be lucky to have me. Your words touched my soul and I felt so shakey, like bees rattling around in my bones!

    I intend to get my boy into action and into places where my Mr Right can find me.
    Thank you for your love.



  8.  #8April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 8:56 am

    steel = still



  9.  #9April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 9:01 am

    I’d like some help with scripting please.

    Okay – here is the untranslated message:

    “Freak! What is wrong with my luscious body that it doesn’t have you panting and rock hard? Do we really have to play out a murder fantasy – me as victim obviously – before you get turned on? I get frightened by your ‘murderer’s face’. It doesn’t turn me on at all.
    I feel hopeless. Look, lets not bother. You’re too weird”



  10.  #10ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:05 am

    April Rose
    I really want to say something(not a script) but I feel scared and blocked
    I am sure thre is NOTHING wrong ith your luscious body and perhaps, um, maybe the problem is not yours??

    Sorry

    That is not helpful but i feel afraid for you



  11.  #11LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 9:09 am

    This is soooooo true. You have to be open to be approached, let your masculine energy put you where you can meet men. And meeting men is just for the practice of cding and using tools. It gets your feminine energy in prize fighting condition



  12.  #12LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 9:15 am

    April Rose

    My body feels so luscious that I feel your rock hard doesn’t need a murder fantasy to get turned on – what do you think? The ‘murderer’s face’ makes me feel weird and hopeless and I want to feel turned on instead. What do you think?”



  13.  #13Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Last night R called me around 9 pm and we talked about 40 minutes, very positive!

    Then we texted during the night about 2.5 hours. It was all positive and relatively uneventful, but just now I was reading thru our texts and I noticed this…

    I had intended to type, “The storm is still raging, but I walk by faith, not by sight.”

    But the swype feature on my phone wrote, “The siren is still raging, but I walk by faith, not by sight. ”

    😆



  14.  #14April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Thank you Ruth,

    I really appreciate what you say. It feels good to hear you say that the problem is not mine. I do wonder if I can in any way heal it, though.

    I am open to ANY kind of comment from the ladies here. I trust you all.



  15.  #15April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 9:19 am

    LoveAlways,

    That is great. What do you think about saying “I feel sad that you’d need a particular fantasy to get turned on”?



  16.  #16ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:27 am

    April Rose

    Look, I dont propose to know anything about the situation, but i hope this man is worth it in other ways for you
    Ok, Im admit i am triggered by the potential of not being found sexually attractive This is one of my issues
    That makes me feel really icky to read that.
    Why should you need to do stuff you are not completely comfortable with in order to turn him on
    Its different to him being turned on, wanting to make love to you and then within that wanting to try something else for a bit of spice

    But, oh heck i feel yucky
    he should want you first, and not a “scene”

    BDSM stuff, well, yes i find it exciting, as i have said.but not first line,Not as the only option
    Ah yuck, Im sorry, I feel helpless and awkward and i am not making much sense i suppose



  17.  #17ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:29 am

    I am learning a lot from the scripts mind you



  18.  #18ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Radlove
    maybe you should change your mane to Raging Siren
    It has a je ne sais quoi
    🙂



  19.  #19MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 9:33 am

    April Rose

    I think you know there is nothing wrong with your body.

    I am trying really hard not to judge this man. I see you judging him as well…I think you know there is something terribly wrong.

    I feel terrified for you!

    I also feel curious. I wonder if there is research on this subject? I once read a book written by a homicide investigator. Many of the killers had to play out murder fantasies with their girlfriends. Very few of the actually harmed these women. But they could not get off without the fantasy.

    I wonder…Would researching this subject put you more at ease? Help you understand the way this man ticks? Maybe it’s not an indicator of something aweful. Maybe it’s just a normal fantasy that is just deeply seeded, and he feels there’s no other way.

    But if it IS an indicator of something much darker I want to tell you not to script, just to run!!

    I believe this is a question rori would take very seriously. I am curious if you’ve thought about writing in to her.



  20.  #20Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:35 am

    ““Freak! What is wrong with my luscious body that it doesn’t have you panting and rock hard? Do we really have to play out a murder fantasy – me as victim obviously – before you get turned on? I get frightened by your ‘murderer’s face’. It doesn’t turn me on at all.
    I feel hopeless. Look, lets not bother. You’re too weird”

    “I’m feeling a bit freaked out and insecure… I don’t want to play out murder fantasiez for sex… it feels scary and i feel scared looked at with a murder face… it feels like a turn off… and im starting to feel hopeless… what do you think?”



  21.  #21ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:36 am

    19.Miss stix

    yes
    I am getting a bad feeling too and i am scared



  22.  #22MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 9:37 am

    FW from previous

    Yes I am feeling wonderful about the blog! Yours and darias forgiveness are the bottom line. Thank you!



  23.  #23Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:37 am

    ““I feel sad that you’d need a particular fantasy to get turned on”?

    I feel sad that my man would need a particular fantasy to get turned on… i feel kinda not good enough…



  24.  #24Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:38 am

    awww miss stix that feels smily and safe and warm



  25.  #25April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 9:42 am

    He has said that he does find me sexually attractive, but that he feels nervous. He said he has had a lot of sex throughout his life (he’s 53) and this nervous inability has only happened once or twice before, in his teens.

    We have had a pretty intense friendship, and dated for eight months before I even allowed myself to kiss him properly (I was being loyal to WM who I live with)
    He said he normally goes to bed with women much sooner than that.
    He also said (with some surprise) that he not only loves me, but likes me.

    I’m guessing he feels good with me as friends (though he got angry when I suggested we go back to being friends) and maybe he fears that sex will somehow spoil things.

    When I asked him initially what turns him on, he replied “I’m not normal” and then changed the subject. I didn’t press it. Which is why I’d like to find a script as soon as possible, really. It’s such a grey (50 shades!) area.



  26.  #26Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 9:43 am

    This felt interesting, and I intend to go with it:

    B: How was your appointment on Monday?

    R: Fine

    B: I feel weird sometimes, not feeling sure how to talk with you. I don’t want to ask questions if that feels like prying…but nor do I just want to talk about me. What do you think?

    R: I like when you ask questions.

    B: Oh, ok, that feels good. I wondered cuz I seem to get one word answers. I want to know you better.

    R: Ok



  27.  #27MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Ruth/april rose

    Me too.

    I was once with a man who wanted to play out pedophillic fantasies. It was terrifying. I did it once, and silently cried as he used my body. NEVER AGAIN. It’s the one and only time I felt truely used by a man. I would have gone to the police afterwards but I was scared and ashamed. And what evidence did I have? Maybe he never would touch a child…He told me if he planned on acting on it he wouldn’t be letting anyone in on his secret fantasy.

    Ugh I feel sick.



  28.  #28Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Ruth,

    18 – LOL!!! Love it! 😆



  29.  #29ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:46 am

    oooh, Daria
    those are great scripts, but still i feel uncomfy

    why would she want/need to use them

    it feels wrong

    Ok, maybe I am too sheltered but actually i dont think so



  30.  #30Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:46 am

    “ated for eight months before I even allowed myself to kiss him properly ”

    this probably set up a pattern where he feels nervous now

    “I asked him initially what turns him on”

    who cares? lol no just kidding

    but really, SEX in Rori Raye terms means woman’s pleasure

    whatever turns him on, is he able to provide what turns ME on?

    ive had guys with certain ;uniquenesses’… (some guy would rub himself while talking kinda dirty to me from across the couch… and then he was wearing a cock ring)

    BUT that didn’t do it for me…

    is he able to do what pleases ME!

    some guys want to do it fast and rough…

    but for me its about MY pleasure… i like massages, i like it romantic

    i can even TELL – it feels icky – when the massage has stopped being all about me, and is more about Him

    total turn off

    i STOP immdiately

    sex is all about pleasing and pleasuring me

    its a retraining of the man too



  31.  #31Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:47 am

    i dont mean to sound dismissive

    i love pleasuring the guy too

    but really thats all about My pleasure as well



  32.  #32Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 9:48 am

    FW,

    4 – Thanks for sharing! What a fantastic, unique article!



  33.  #33MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 9:49 am

    april rose

    It may very well be just fine! I really know NOTHING about scripting but felt compelled to respond anyways. I do not want to come at you “in your face” so to speak. I am firmly behind you, and trust your judgement !



  34.  #34Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:50 am

    ruth – mmm well i had that cock stroking cock ring guy…

    it didnt go well lol

    i dont know… seems like she likes him? he’s stepping up?

    many men haven’t yet been invited to put the woman first…

    that might change everything



  35.  #35ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:52 am

    April Rose
    Look, you are there and you know him but i am seeing a big fat red flag

    Sorrry

    Sex *is* important

    Yes, its worth waiting for, i get that
    But are you prepared to settle for this darling

    It feels to me as though you are not comfy with it
    its not as though you do not know this man

    its not the second date

    oh, I dunno, its probbaly my issues talking here but sex for me would llok like a mutual sharing of love and need and any kinky stuff that cropped up after

    i am no prude, ive done most of it all
    but most of the really off piste stuff was within loving and secure and trusting relationships
    Which started with him wanting me, end of

    Right
    Im gonna stick my neck out

    Would he be able to make love to you without the fantasy?

    Um, I think this is called vanilla sex in 50 shades



  36.  #36Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Radlove – asking about the appointment is quite close on the balance… well it is likely here you in masculine energy

    Fine. is a mascuilne response to a mascuilne energy q.

    i wouldn’t ask questions like that

    i wonder if you’re worried that if you wre to stay in feminine energy, the texting would stop?



  37.  #37Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:56 am

    great use of feeling messages!

    i wonder if you could use youre desire to get to know someone better – him, to get to know yourself better, by sasking yourself what you feel everytime you notice you’ve typed a q to him

    then erasing that q to him and instead typing your feeling you discovered

    that would feel fun for me!



  38.  #38ruth on August 16, 2012 at 9:56 am

    30 daria

    Good point well made



  39.  #39MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Daria

    I, as well am all about me now 🙂 I only pleasure him in ways I find pleasurable! He’s lucky I love giving certain things 😉 Turns me WAY on!

    At this point I have firmly laud the groundwork and when I get asked for something it’s always posed like this “Do you want to give…” rather than “Can I have…” feels great!!



  40.  #40Daria on August 16, 2012 at 9:58 am

    yay Miss Stix that Does feel good i feel smile from side to side 🙂



  41.  #41MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I just realized when I ask I always say “can I have…” bwahaha Excellent.



  42.  #42April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Lovely ladies,

    Your input is so very welcome.
    In myself, I have the whole range of responses, from ‘get the hell out of there’ to ‘there must be an easy way past this’.

    Really I just want to find out if he CAN have sex in a loving straightforward way.

    He has a wonderful touch, and turns ME on and pleasures ME like noone else. It sadly is not enough for me. I need to feel his desire for me.

    It feels so disappointing when I am at the peak of this incredible sensation of pleasure, caused by him, and I perceive a lack of desire in him.

    I’d like to ask him what he feels when he sees me so obviously enjoying my own sensations.



  43.  #43Daria on August 16, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I’d like to ask him what he feels when he sees me so obviously enjoying my own sensations.

    I would really refrain from asking him what he feels

    in light that you feel disappointed , it seems it has agenda… and in Rori terms its all in his business



  44.  #44ruth on August 16, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I know what you mean April Rose
    A man turned on by the sight of my body is the sexiest thing in the world

    its important



  45.  #45April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Oooh, I’m struggling to keep up.

    Thank you so much.

    Daria, Ruth, Miss Stix, LoveAlways,

    I feel like weeping with gratitude. I can feel your ENORMOUS care and loving hearts and it feels like soft thick velvet inside my heart, and a fairy whispering “it’s All okay April, you are cared for” which gently eases me with soft ripples ……



  46.  #46ruth on August 16, 2012 at 10:10 am

    hm
    the fornat of the blog fels frustrating to me right now

    I want to talk to April Rose *off line* so to speak

    its diff ti the other forums i post on



  47.  #47Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Daria,

    30 – I agree. I was with a man once who “got” me into the bedroom by offering me a massage. I handed him a bottle of oil and lay down. He set down the bottle and got in bed with me, on a straight mission for sex. Not even the pretense of a massage.

    I felt disgusted, and he may have won the battle, but he lost the war. Meaning, I had no attraction to him and no trust in his words. I just had no desire to see him again.



  48.  #48bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:16 am

    (((ruth)))



  49.  #49April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Ruth,

    I’d like to talk with you, too.

    I agree with you that what I want is loving sex first, and then to explore fantasies. That is what I intend for myself.

    I am thinking of heading off into Yorkshire tonight, to wake up somewhere new on my birthday tomorrow.
    Then go and spend the day visiting friends tomorrow.

    I’ll forget about these difficult men for a few days. Yay!



  50.  #50bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:22 am

    (((april rose)))



  51.  #51FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Just out of curiosity, have any of you read the ‘Fifty Shades Trilogy’? (E.L. James)

    I’ve only read the first one, but I have a definite opinion which I’ll keep to myself until I’ve read what some of you think.

    Anyone…?



  52.  #52Missy May on August 16, 2012 at 10:28 am

    April Rose – enjoy your Birthday! Spend time loving you!



  53.  #53April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

    I haven’t read it, FlowerChild.

    My guess is that it is written very much from a male point of view.

    I’d like to hear what you think.



  54.  #54April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Thank you Missy May

    and thank you for the reminder to spend time loving me!
    I feel like I have a big huge bag of luscious candies in front of my eyes and I don’t know what to choose cos I’m jumping up and down so hard I can’t see!



  55.  #55MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 10:31 am

    try again…

    Woops…Disappearing comment!

    April rose

    I am understanding you!

    No need to follow my “eeek! Run!” philosophy…That’s my own issue :p

    I think if I did decide to CD men it would be more like…Shuffle dating! lol. constantly running from the the man who doesn’t compare well to the other. 😀



  56.  #56April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Miss Stix (27)

    I felt sick too, reading about your experience. I feel horrified you went through that.

    ((((((Miss Stix))))))



  57.  #57bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:34 am

    april rose, that book was written by a woman : )

    & i know you asked about this on an older thread & i had commented on it later…. ummmm if you want to read it : )



  58.  #58bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

    (((miss stix))) that feels horrific (((miss stix)))



  59.  #59bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:45 am

    if i felt scared while i was *actually* nxked, i would not want to be around that man. i want to feel SAFE SAFE SAFE HOME YAYYYYYY nxked with my partner… yum : ) that’s my skin ! that’s what i’m born in. it’s precious to me like a baby awww cute little girl ouch & i feel renewed intent to be gentle & imagine how beautiful that fountain of renewing change is as my skin regenerates itself thank you



  60.  #60Iamabutterfly on August 16, 2012 at 10:46 am

    (((((MissStix)))))



  61.  #61bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:46 am

    now because of the cadence of my cheer, i’m thinking baseball & imagining myself in a stadium packed full of people, running the bases, HOME RUN baby did it ! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY yummy hoorah !



  62.  #62bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

    the best part of that “imagining” for me was that i was nxked in my mind running alone with no one else on the field. i can do that.



  63.  #63Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Daria,

    36 – 37 – I feel honestly confused. When I don’t ask him questions, no, I do NOT fear that it will end. I feel secure in our friendship now, if in nothing else.

    The relationship feels lopsided. For the whole time, he would ask me one stimulating question after another, and I love it. For example, last night he asked me, “What makes you a woman?”

    If I never ask questions, he rarely talks about himself. I know how he relates to me, but in many ways, I don’t know him. I don’t know what he thinks, what his preferences are, what his views are. I honestly want to know him. And I find that if I don’t ask him questions, he won’t reveal himself hardly at all.

    Further, I know he NEEDS to open up, and he trusts very few people. He has told me many times it helps him to talk. Ok, so I’m not supposed to “help” him. I guess I don’t fully buy into that. I don’t want to mother him, but I want to give him the fulfillment of being a sounding board that he has given me.

    What do you think or feel?



  64.  #64Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Daria,

    P.S. If I say, “I feel a desire to know you better” or “I want to know you better”, he simply says, “thanks”. I get nowhere.



  65.  #65ALA on August 16, 2012 at 11:00 am

    I feel amused to try scripting in a playful way…

    “Your touch does amazing things to my body. I feel an insatiable need arising like never before. I feel curious to explore your nechrophilia/murder fantasy if I feel safe and you have a clear understanding of my limits.”



  66.  #66Daria on August 16, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Radlove – yeah, cuz it’s a masculine thing to go for, and he’s a masculine energy man in that respect

    I would let him have the opp to get to know me better instead

    And I would get to knoe myself too, by finding my feeling and sharing…

    What do you think if my idea to type those q and before texting, asking myself how I feel, erasing the q… And typing my feeling (one word feeling) instead?

    I would also tell myself often… Radlove I want to get to know you better

    That would look like:

    ‘R what did you do today?

    Stop.

    Check for feeling

    I’m feeling open and warm.

    Erase q and type:

    ‘I’m feeling open and warm :)’

    Hit send



  67.  #67ALA on August 16, 2012 at 11:02 am

    ((( Miss Stix )))



  68.  #68Daria on August 16, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Radlove – I find that men go crazy opening up to me

    (also remember when I’ve heard you complain of other men talking too much about themselves? May be two sides of the same coin)

    They mostly open up when I’m very silent, leaning back, breathing sparkles, and opening up my body – shoulders tummy pelvis.

    It’d feel fun to practice this w u on video chat hehe.

    Just remember, whenever he’s asking about you while you Don’t… He’s falling in love more and more

    Also I use ‘tell me more’ when a guy is talking about something interesting



  69.  #69FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

    I apologize if “Fifty Shades” has already been discussed in another thread. (When I get behind a whole thread or more I don’t always read everything or I’d never catch up.)



  70.  #70Daria on August 16, 2012 at 11:16 am

    “Your touch does amazing things to my body. I feel an insatiable need arising like never before. I feel curious to explore your nechrophilia/murder fantasy if I feel safe and you have a clear understanding of my limits.”

    Like

    !

    Well if I Did feel curious.

    For me more ick



  71.  #71Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Daria,

    66 – I like to say I’m feeling open and warm, but I have said stuff like that before and it gets, “cool”. I think he WANTS me to ask him questions.

    I mean, the vibe I get from him is hey, woman, I trust you inside and out now. I did not win that level of trust easily. He tested me and tested me throughout 2009 and beyond.

    I don’t think he is accustomed to opening up. I get the feeling he doesn’t know how to. His language is the language of questions. His Mom told me he was unusually inquisitive in childhood. He said he likes questions.

    I have told him several times in the past what Rori suggested, “I want to get to know you deeper than just ‘how are you?””

    He just says thank you or cool. I want to get beyond thank you and cool. I don’t know how. Feeling messages just get me more questions.

    I don’t mind sharing with him about myself. But I want to KNOW him. I think he feels scared to let someone in as deeply as he trusts me, and that he very much needs that, to be known and accepted.

    Because in his mental illness, he describes it like a prison. He wants very much to connect with people, and he is inhibited from it somehow.

    I feel like I am grasping to connect with you on this. You know how Rori says the only time you initiate with a man is when you have a committed man and you KNOW your contact is welcome?

    I am trying to say it is a well established friendship, and maybe it is at a new level where questions are ok. And I have gone with feeling messages and feeling messages and it has not worked for him to open up. I have three years of feeling messages with him.



  72.  #72Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Daria,

    68 – Beautiful! yes, that would feel fun on video! 🙂

    I have used “tell me more” with some success with him, and I forgot about that. Thanks for the reminder.

    I like what you said that he is falling in love with me when I am sharing my feelings.

    Cool 😉



  73.  #73Simply Goddess on August 16, 2012 at 11:53 am

    “Gimme an hour if you want you can phone me”

    I just received this text from him.. Gee thanks!
    How do I respond to that?
    i’m annoyed at the whole situation the past few days now he’s telling me I’m ‘allowed’ to ring him.. argh!



  74.  #74April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Going off in my camper now for a Birthday Adventure….
    🙂

    (((((((((hugs to you all))))))))



  75.  #75April Rose on August 16, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    bloom-ing

    I believe it is your birthday soon. Happy fun and fairy day to you, baby girl.
    kisses



  76.  #76Simply Goddess on August 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    It’d feel better if you ring me if you want to talk..
    Maybe?



  77.  #77Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    66 – I like to say I’m feeling open and warm, but I have said stuff like that before and it gets, “cool”. I think he WANTS me to ask him questions.

    I didn’t mean to just say that. You might be feeling sad, lonely, hungry, purple dreamy or anything else

    If it gets cool… Good.

    A chance for silence.

    I said he falls in love with you when he’s asking and you don’t ask… And in those silences.

    A person who can handle being in the silence is attractive.

    I would pay attention to myself and work with a therapist or coach to change my perception of ‘testing.’. That would be a block to intimacy



  78.  #78FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Simply Goddess…Assuming that you already have your bank/credit card back (something you mentioned when first posting about this)…If it were me, I wouldn’t respond at all to that (‘you can ring me’) I’d just wait for him to step up and apologize/initiate contact, etc.



  79.  #79Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    ‘He very much needs that, to be known and accepted.’

    I disagree. I think he very much needs to be respected as a man.

    Many men as Dominique has said don’t talk much about themselves.

    Rori has said his job is not to open up emotionally.

    I muself get to know men by spending time in their presence, and observing their actions and how I feel around them.

    Almost never through actions.

    If you get the sense he ‘wants sonething from you’ ie being asked questions… Maybe you can ‘help’ him heal by Not providing that and allowing him to be in masculine energy.



  80.  #80Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Daria,

    77 – I was tested. Not a perception. But that’s in the past, and I don’t feel a need to revisit it. It tore at the fabric of our friendship again and again.

    Anyway, what I am hearing is that even tho it doesn’t feel like it, I am opening the floor to him to speak by silence, and by opening up myself.

    I am saying I am aware of these dynamics, and it’s not working fast enough. so I will just go with the flow.



  81.  #81Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Daria,

    79 – I hear you, and I think in general you are correct. I also think each man is different. I think some things need to be taken case by case. But thank you.



  82.  #82Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    I am trying to say it is a well established friendship, and maybe it is at a new level where questions are ok. And I have gone with feeling messages and feeling messages and it has not worked for him to open up. I have three years of feeling messages with him.’

    I’ve noticed mostly lean forward interaction between you

    In all this time I haven’t seen One single interaction with him where you were consistently in feminine energy.

    So I disagree.

    I don’t want to share anymore than is helpful, I’m going to stop now until I’m asked.

    Again it’s not his job to open up. Perhaps a more feminine energy man where you can be in masculine energy would work better for you if an open, emotionally sharing partner is what you are looking for.



  83.  #83Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    This case by case thing sounds like an easy excuse.

    I would watch out what am I feeling – afraid of – when I bring this up.

    Perhaps I’m invested in things not changing so that I could continue being ‘helpful’ as it makes me feel worthy.

    My impression, is I’d either choose to be the masculine energy on relationship….

    Or turn that wonder into myself. Ask myself the questions I want to ask him, lavish the I love You’s on muself. It won’t feel satisfying at first but eventually it will shift everything and I’ll have that openness I’m looking for from the outside.

    Incredibly this has worked for me.

    I haven’t seen you write so much about loving yourself here.

    as in the words… I love me, my heart beats for me… Etc.



  84.  #84Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    ‘– I was tested. Not a perception.’

    Everything is a peception in what I was referring to. Holding on to this one will block love.

    Everything, even the perception that I was tested while taking a biology Test on paper for example <<- evidence, is a perception that can be shifted

    'I am saying I am aware of these dynamics, and it’s not working fast enough.'

    Other ways of leaning forward will slow the process even more.

    When it comes down to it… It's about being with the feelings – both about what it felt like to perceive myself being tested,

    And what it feels like for it to not be 'working fast enough'

    I know it feels scary and paralyzing. 🙁



  85.  #85Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    I feel guilty. I didn’t stop. 🙁

    I feel curious what this showed up to heal

    Ohh I feel really unworthy

    🙁



  86.  #86bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    awww april rose, i feel touched : ) thank you !!



  87.  #87Femininewoman on August 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Daria I feel curious about this constant ” I feel really unworthy”. Everytime I see it I feel draw into find out the story of belief behind it.

    The sharing seems so eye opening, at least for me.



  88.  #88Femininewoman on August 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Happy Birthday April Rose



  89.  #89lilybelly on August 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Happy Birthday, April Rose. I feel excited for your Birthday adventure!



  90.  #90FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Happy Birthday April Rose <3



  91.  #91Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I feel afraid to check blog

    I feel passionate about sharing

    I feel ‘lump in throat’

    I feel sad

    I feel nausea

    I feel crying

    I feel heartbreak

    I feel hopeless

    I feel sad

    I feel so so sad

    I love my sadness

    Sigh

    I love my sigh

    I feel heavy heart

    I love mu heavy heart

    I feel nausea

    I feel sad

    I love my nausea

    I love my nausea

    I hate feeling nauseous

    I love my not wanting to feel nauseous and I live my nausea

    Nausea indicates stuff coming up that’s been stuffed

    I’m healing

    I feel sad

    I love my sadness

    That feels like chillness

    I love my chillness



  92.  #92Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Feminiwoman – when I write that I feel

    I dono..

    🙁

    Like I’m not good enough and never will be and kids are suffering cuz if me and my powerlessness due to a fault of mine of not being powerful enough

    It feels horrible and I’m crying a bit now writing about it



  93.  #93Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Daria,

    How about this as a feeling message for R?

    I love to feel connected with you, and I feel most connected when we both talk openly and freely. What do you think?



  94.  #94Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    I feel like I’m a deadbeat dad or someone who watched their family get killed and doesn’t say anything

    Crying



  95.  #95Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Radlove – I think you’re barking up the wrong tree and it won’t work with Ryan or a masculine energy man

    Honestly I think he’d have no clue what you want from him… Or what that looks like for you

    And if he did he wouldn’t be able to give it to you cux he’s not a feminine energy, open emotion sharing person



  96.  #96Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Daria,

    82 – I feel sad. I don’t want you to shut down with me. I don’t post every conversation, and so I have many, many feeling message, feminine conversations with him. I typically just post the stuff I get iffy about. When it is all flowing smoothly, I don’t share, because it’s typically personal.



  97.  #97Sassy on August 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Flower Child,
    I read all 3 of the Fifty Shades books. They were ok. I understand there is a whole new crop of “Fifty Shades pregnancies and babies” coming up.
    I just was not impressed with the ending. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that!
    Care to share how you felt?



  98.  #98Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    I hate life when I feel that way



  99.  #99Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Radlove – thanks. Ok. I haven’t seen any of you in fem energy yet so of course I don’t know.



  100.  #100Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Daria,

    83 – I open up myself to R at the deepest level. It doesn’t resonate with me that I am trying to feel worthy or that I am scared. It is that I feel connected with him when he opens up. Who wants a one way conversation? That feels like being with a therapist.

    I don’t write “I love me” because it feels weird. But I say it under my breath to myself all the time, and I am in process.



  101.  #101Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Daria,

    84 – I buy that.

    95 – Alright. I’ll stay with feeling messages. Thanks.



  102.  #102Daria on August 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    It’s not your fault my shutdown stuff Radlove.

    Im sorry you feel sad. Hugs.



  103.  #103Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Daria,

    In thinking about why I don’t speak in pure feeling messages, I feel muzzled, like a dog who can’t open her mouth all the way. It feels inadequate to fully express my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

    I am not saying i don’t want to constantly be tweaking my relational style. Just observing myself. I want to feel free when i talk.



  104.  #104Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Radlove – I encourage you to write I love me until you feel totally comfy w the ‘weirdness’

    To me opening up on a deep level is in the moment feeling messages. Not stuff for the therapist.

    I feel connected to a masculine energy man mostly in the silence… And after he’s given me sonething or taken care of me in some way.

    I also feel connected to a man when he opens up, but j notice that’s in a masculine energy about him way. It certainly feels lovely and like my heart pouring love. it’s only an addiction giving me a glimpse of my love for self, I’m afraid. Cuz after that I wind up feeling sad as the man doesn’t get attracted to me.

    I’ve experienced this with Guywho, Getright man, Dman, and Ny guy.

    I still feel piny for them.

    (((((me)))))

    Learning to enjoy being in feminine energy so I don’t keep bruising my heart chasing that feeling thinking it comes from the men.



  105.  #105Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Daria,

    102 – Aww, thanks. When I talk to my girlfriends, it is just a free flowing, two way conversation.

    I feel frustrated with R because it feels so difficult to get more than one word out of him. Sometimes I say sarcastically inside myself (never out loud), “It talked!”

    But that is less and less now as he trusts me more. But still a lot of brief answers. I like it when we get together, because that is the time he opens up the most! I love it! He will talk for a few pages! And I love it that he never interrupts me! He is fantastico!

    Just crazy about him, that’s all. And I will return to feeling messages a thousand more times if I need to.



  106.  #106Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Radlove – yes I feel some of that ‘muzzled’ feeling too lol.

    Its like speaking in French in Feench class when you know everyone there understand English and it feels frustrating as hell

    It’s worth it and the muzzled feeling decreases as I get more fluent.

    I have this issue too… Look how I’m writing .



  107.  #107Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Daria,

    104 – That’s some rich stuff! Beautiful! Yes, I have worked on self love ever since my 20s. Still in process of course.

    And I pinpointed why I feel weird: I anticipate criticism and judgmentalism, those talking faces that have forked tongues and fangs beneath their innocent words.

    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable aI love me and accept me, exactly the way I am.
    I love me unconditionally, forever.
    I am lovable and capable.
    I love me!
    I love me!

    And, in the words of Daria…

    LOVE THAT LIL GIRL!

    LOVE THAT LIL GIRL!

    LOVE THAT LIL GIRL!

    LOVE THAT LIL GIRL!

    LOVE THAT LIL GIRL!



  108.  #108Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Hehehe Radlove I feel giggly and happy



  109.  #109Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Daria,

    106 – Cool, I feel got. And I feel more self awareness.

    One thing I like about R is he seems very receptive to my feeling messages.

    A month or two ago I told him a scratch-the-surface amount about non-violent communication, and he seemed keenly interested.

    He said, “Ooh, that makes me want to trigger you so I can see you use it!”

    I laughed and said, “Remember Tuesday? You triggered me, and I used it! That was it!”

    We talked about how much more under control i was of my anger than I had been in the past, and it felt good for him to acknowledge that.



  110.  #110Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Roris right I fe terribly scared to have what I want, community, huge healing impact on world, lovely man and family

    If I felt convinced it was ok I’d feel so much more sure if myself and sharing myself

    ((((Daria))))

    Babysteps

    I have all the time in the world

    Can’t I just do all that shit next lifetime and just stay where I’m at in this one?

    Lol I can

    But I don’t know that I really want to



  111.  #111Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    LOL, me too!



  112.  #112bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    gosh i feel stuck. typing. researching. questioning. deleting. trashing. judging myself for being so “bad” at this….. & i know i’m not. i feel i “am already done” in my mind & i feel unwilling to “actually” “do” it……….

    hello !!!! good human are you in there ? yes but my tum hurts & i wanna go home. ok i know you don’t like it here much & i’m sorry. i’m “working” on it, but Today – i kind of “need” you to “step-up” for me. ohhh are you trying to get to my Man ? oh wow he is like “long gone” right now. ouch. buzz buzz. crying but i neeeeeed him…. whiny baby

    ick i feel resistant to channel my masculine energy right now. i’m in pants though & a collared shirt & my hair is up. i’m in my man clothes. i feel pretty : ) i want to feel Strong & Big ! ummmmmmmmm ick i don’t wanna. well… hm



  113.  #113Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    Daria,

    110 – that’s cool, me too. I really relate to that statement. I feel like there is so much more for me.



  114.  #114FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Sassy…I’ve only read the first book…not sure if I’ll read the other two…perhaps, I will just out of curiosity.

    Umm…well, I don’t think this woman knows how to use a Thesaurus, for one thing. Also, I read a lot of erotica (started reading Anaiis Nin when I was 15) so what was supposed to be ‘erotic’ in this book was…not so much, for me.

    Sadly, the only thing that kept me turning the 500 pages was to find out what happened between Ana and Christian—relationship-wise, not sexually.

    Not much imagination went into the book. How many times can a person say, “Oh, my!” before it gets old. I found the writing sophomoric and monotonous 🙁

    What did you think of it?



  115.  #115Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    One thing I like about R is he seems very receptive to my feeling messages.

    A month or two ago I told him a scratch-the-surface amount about non-violent communication, and he seemed keenly interested.’

    I feel concerned about this. I don’t see the relation between feeling messages and this… And I feel unsure that you have this clear when you talk about opening up.

    One is feeling messages… And one is ‘my healing process’

    Dominique doesn’t recommend to share about the latter… I often do or related stuff as its part of what I feel passionate about in general

    It does feel so good be acknowledged



  116.  #116Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Daria,

    Would now be a convenient time to Skype?



  117.  #117Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Radlove – I feel really appreciative of your persistent support of me all this time. Many times I feel really honored when I interact with you and I feel good about myself.



  118.  #118Daria on August 16, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    Radlove – in about an hour would feel good… I’m at a restaurant rite now



  119.  #119Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Daria,

    115 – It is something Rori said recently, that if it comes up, to say something like, “I am working with a relationship coach, and she said to do such and such.”

    Then if he asks more details, just say, “Well, it’s a girly form of non-violent communication”, and to give him THAT term if he wants to search it out on google or whatever.

    I actually got that from Rori.

    Also, my issues with R have been SO marked that it really has been necessary to address it off and on along the way. It is a topic we are comfortable with. I have told him I am on a blog with women all over the world. If he asks further questions, I say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable to share that with you. It’s a website for women only.”

    Then he says, “Ok, I respect that.” He is very respectful of privacy.



  120.  #120Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Daria,

    118 – Okay, fantastic! Thank you!



  121.  #121Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Daria,

    117 – That feels really good to hear! I deeply treasure you! You have helped me every bit as much as Rori herself! You have a brilliant mind and a beautiful heart!



  122.  #122Miss Bells on August 16, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    HS and I went out last night to a concert given by a friend.
    He made a BIG deal about not paying for me.
    I said–“I don’t want to hear about what you are NOT going to do.”
    Him: But if I don’t say it you will blah blah blah. (NOTE: I have never actually ASKED him to pay for anything.)
    Me: If you don’t say anything I assume nothing. The default is nothing. That way you only have to say something if you are actually offering me something positive. What do you think?”
    He still grumbled, but off we went. The show was free, but we each got a drink.
    When we entered the theatre he helped me with my jacket and pulled out my chair. I brushed his hand with mine and said “there are LOTS of ways to be a gentleman.
    Today is off food shopping, but I have a big forum I am putting on for the Sierra Club. So the chicken he is buying will have to wait till tomorrow. And we are going out again tomorrow night. He mentioned a band I really like. Didn’t exactly invite me, but assumed…



  123.  #123ruth on August 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    hello again
    Posting before i read back properly, so sorry

    happy Birthhday April Rose

    Yorkshire is my home county
    🙂

    50 Shades-badly written porn, it annoys me
    and too romanticised(who gets married in 5 weeks, let alone has three orgasms on their firt sexual encounter at 21-hm.Some good ideas in some ways
    but they could have kept My Greys dark side-dark
    he fell in love too easily



  124.  #124ruth on August 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Hope you are okay daria
    I have not read of you feeling quite this vulnerable before
    Um, I feel muzzled by feeling messages sometimes too

    I like to vary my vocabulary, and it feels bad to me when i cant

    Flower child 77, yeah, 50 shades is not well written erotica
    I



  125.  #125bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    instead, i just took care of my whiny little girl (she needed to stand up & also some lotion on her hands) & now i’m having fun doing my work : ) hooray !



  126.  #126CurvySiren10 on August 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Happy Birthday April Rose!!~~ Enjoy your adventure! 🙂



  127.  #127Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    April Rose,

    Happy Birthday!!!

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    ╯╯╯╯╯┊╯┊╰╯╭━┻┻━╮┊
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  128.  #128Simply Goddess on August 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    When a guy says “I just don’t know what I want anymore..”

    What do I say..

    He had to go after that and is ringing back in a bit to ‘talk’



  129.  #129bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    mm radlove, i feel smile-y seeing that pretty cake !



  130.  #130Tereana on August 16, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Oops! Just realized I was accidentally posting on an old thread. Silly me! : )

    Well, long story short, I stopped by SYG’s place last night, and I’m glad I did.

    I find his not pushing for sex kind of sexy. And although I do feel kind of like I am getting “mixed messages” – he wants to “wait” and not have sex with me right now, because it might ruin an otherwise good friendship/relationship; buy also, he doesn’t feel that he even WANTS a relationship in his life right now. So is that even on the radar? Lol

    I told him I was confused by the messages, and he told me (again) not to over think it.

    And one other confusing thing, but it’s also quite cute, in my view – one reason he is “putting on the brakes” is that, in his words, if he spends “intense, intimate” time with me, then he “can’t control” if he starts to fall for me. And in fact, he admitted that he already has, a little bit. So, that’s kind of cute!

    Of course, I can’t really understand why he would want to protect himself in that way – or maybe not protect himself. Maybe just take some time for himself. And maybe that’s it. And that’s okay. Why not? Why do I need a relationship “right now”? Sheesh. I can take my time, too, can’t I?

    Seems like he wants me, specifically, but he doesn’t want anyone right now, generally. Heck, whatever. I get to CD until someone makes up their mind that they want me and they want me now – they can’t wait! Lol or whatever. I can wait for that.

    It will happen…I feel certain and happy about that 🙂



  131.  #131ruth on August 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    128
    Simply Goddess
    Hm, maybe you will be too busy with your own stuff to talk



  132.  #132bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    simply goddess, i’d say, “hmm… i hear you saying you don’t know what you want…. & actually, I DO know what i want : ) …. & to me, that looks like a loving, committed partnership with one man, and creating a happy home & family life…. & until i have that ! well, i STILL know what i want, which is to meet a lot of people, to enjoy my family & friends…. to do new things that make me feel excited & inspired…. : ) …… what do you think? ” & then he’ll say something & then i’ll say, “ohhh… hmm… yep, i hear you. well, actually i’m feeling a bit drained by this…. i feel attached & attracted to you & i feel sad to hear that you don’t know what you want, but i will feel best with a little Space from you… & maybe I will want to spend time with you, like a date, but i want to feel open to other men, & to me that looks like not doing what we’ve been doing… what do you think ? ” & then he talks… “ok, well thank you for talking to me, i’m going to go take care of Myself : )”

    what do you think?



  133.  #133FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Simply Goddess…the more experienced (with Rori tools) Sirens will give you the right words…but when man says that he doesn’t know what he wants, it’s time for you to start circular dating and putting the focus on YOU.

    If he contacts you and wants to step up, great. Otherwise you have other men spending time with you and showing you you deserve MORE.



  134.  #134Simply Goddess on August 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Thanks for your responses.. Fell so lost right now.. I’m scared 🙁



  135.  #135ruth on August 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    SG
    Changing a recurring pattern *is* scary

    But you can do it
    xxxxxxxx



  136.  #136Daria on August 16, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Radlove I’m available on Skype now 🙂



  137.  #137Daria on August 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    April Rose – Happy Birthday! for tomorrow ?



  138.  #138bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    simply goddess, when i find myself thinking about a man like, “oh no i feel afraid to lose X” like “aww but it feels so good to feel supported… & i love to feel cuddled …. & i love to talk & talk…” or “aww but his little dimples & brown eyes…i thought my tiny unborn babies would have those eyes”

    i just try to switch it back. like “ooooh i have had the YUMMIEST interactions with men… yum i love to feel attracted & attractive & loved” or “eeek i feel excited to meet the next man who will make my tummy jump like that YUM” : )))))



  139.  #139Tereana on August 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Oh, yeah, funny story – today I checked two messages from last night, which I thought were both from clients. One was from SYG! His number showed up as “unknown.” he called me and I didn’t even know it! Ha!



  140.  #140FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    It is scary and it does feel bad. (((Hugs)))

    Do you have Rori’s e-book? It’s very affordable. Also, her programs are life-changing.

    Keep posting here. This is a very warm and loving place to work out your feelings…the women who post here are amazing.

    If you have the urge to call ‘him’—-come here and post instead.



  141.  #141bloom-ing on August 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    ooooh tereana, i would feel so scared to hear that from a man i liked !!! eeek i feel like running away or saying ” ack i feel scared hearing you might fall for me ‘against your will’ & i feel wary of getting close to someone who might pull away like that, what do you think ?”



  142.  #142sandy on August 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Blooming/Simply Goddess 138

    Yes, yes, I do the exact same thing! Talk about a vibe shift.

    It really works wonders when I am in a weird space with a man. And it’s almost like they can feel when the energy is turned away from them, and it makes them wonder and start coming back.

    For me the trick is, the turn my energy back towards myself and while still keeping my heart open if/when he does make an emotional bid for connection.



  143.  #143sandy on August 16, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    *edit*

    For me the trick is, to turn my energy back towards myself while still keeping my heart open if/when he does make an emotional bid for connection.

    Which can be hard because I find that I want to cling to my grievances to ensure that the unwanted behavior doesn’t happen again.

    This creates a sort of lock-down, stuck energy.



  144.  #144Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Daria,

    136 – I’m sorry, I forgot I had to go to a food bank at a certain time. I just got home.



  145.  #145Annie on August 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Hi April Rose Happy Birthday.

    Re your man and breath play and murder fantasy roleplay
    What felt amazing and helped me was inner bonding with Dr Margaret Paul.

    By doing this I reconnected to myself/soul and higher source.
    This along with Roris commitment blueprint.

    It works in a way so when we are making a decision like Rori says we start at how we feel in the moment. Honor and feel it. Go inside ourselves make sure we are alone block everything out tv noise etc. See what feelings come up around this BDSM breathplay murder role play stuff and then feel them say them out lould and open up to a higher source like asking a loving parent. And then seeing what the answer is about doing what is in your higher good.

    Or another way is to read back what you have written as an observer and what would you tell that person to do to take care of themselves and do what was in their higher good.

    Hugs.



  146.  #146Annie on August 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    It would feel good to hear others thoughts and perspectives on 50 shades of grey, Am reading at the moment.
    Best selling womens book of all time I believe.
    I missed the thread where it had already been discussed. If others don’t want to go back and discuss again is their a link to the thread?



  147.  #147Annie on August 16, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    there*



  148.  #148luzydel on August 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Sure if on I had the courage tot talk to a man; I can flirt, smile etc. but cannot approach a guy, I freeze! I see some of my co workers being so aggressive, they go to a man and ask for their numbers, etc. I dunno, I never done it that way, I was more sireny in my younger years and just with a smile men would drop like pouring rain! ….hmmm wait a minute! I used to go out more when I was younger…:) would it seem awkward if I go to a bar by myself?



  149.  #149FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    I hope I didn’t ruin it for anyone with my opinion of the book. (It’s VERY popular, so I’m just one opinion…)



  150.  #150stargirl on August 16, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Feminine Woman 4 Thanks apple post and for the Olympic post last thread 935- interesting ways to think about things.

    After feeling kind of miserable for a long time about being away from home, today I was walking and realized that I’m not afraid of strangers, but I am afraid of people- being vulnerable in front of people. Just realizing and accepting that fear helped me melt a little. It is kind of funny. And everything began to seem a lot less serious. My shoulders sank a little and I’m just hoping this sprout of happiness will be there in the morning.

    bloom-ing 112 i can identify with this! beautiful poetry feels so true



  151.  #151LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Have a wonderful birthday April Rose!
    Continued blessings!



  152.  #152Butterfly wings on August 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    I read 50 shades and yep it was very badly written and repetitive. Plus the plot is pretty far-fetched.

    In saying that though, I did enjoy it and just kept reading because I also wanted to know what happened with their relationship.

    I did skip a heap in book 2 though. And I like the end of #3 when one part is written from his perspective.

    Quality or not, the author has done VERY well out of it!!



  153.  #153Butterfly wings on August 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Happy birthday April Rose! I hope you have an amazing day!! xxx



  154.  #154FlowerChild77 on August 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Oh…I forgot to say…the only thing I did enjoy were the, somewhat, clever e-mails they sent each other. (A very small part of the whole 500-some pages, I might add.) I hate to be totally negative about it :-p



  155.  #155LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    I feel healing



  156.  #156LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I don’t want to feel any expectations



  157.  #157Sassy on August 16, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Re 50 Shades, I too found it somewhat more fantasy inclined than a realistic story. But, yes it’s popularity is off the charts! Maybe the female population just needs some fantasy to keep the fires lit.



  158.  #158LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    My feminine energy creates a glow around me from head to toe and I am magnificent in it – I radiate energy and sweet strength



  159.  #159LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    When I lean back I am wonderfully alluring and calm



  160.  #160LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    I feel sensual
    I feel alluring
    I feel calm
    I feel strong
    I feel radiant



  161.  #161LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    I feel good taking care of myself and my needs



  162.  #162LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    I can feel it all in my shoulders as they relax deep down into my muscles like a 90 minute massage!



  163.  #163LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    I am feeling good having some alone time.
    This is siren time!
    Feeling lovely like fresh fragrant roses in dew



  164.  #164LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I am alone, leaning back, and I feel so fabulously in feminine power – meow, actually, growllllllll



  165.  #165Dancing Siren on August 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Do you know I dream of simplifying my life…

    I don’t want much.

    I am not bothered about stuff anymore.

    I would feel happiest living in a small place with the man who I love, and who loves me, working with people, teaching about health and fitness.

    I am thinking of doing my counselling course soon.

    I would love to sell all my stuff and just live in a motor home. Have a place at home (near my family) to park up) but also travel from place to place in between, and just come back to work periodically.

    That is what I would do.



  166.  #166LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    It feels satisfying and surprising not to have any expectations minute to minute. I’m just existing and being and feeling. I feel the air from my fan like a smooth wave of coolness. This moment belongs to me



  167.  #167LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    I feel selfish wanting to be alone and enjoy all of this beauty to myself. I’m going to heal this. (((((LoveAlways)))))



  168.  #168LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    I don’t mind sharing with him, I just NEED my siren time. IT FEELS GOOD TO JUST BE ME in my own space, owning this time to myself. Awwwwww, I feel sexy being selfish like this



  169.  #169LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    my moments are passing like hours and this feels wonderful



  170.  #170LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    So many different feelings coming up. I have time to feel them all and heal some it, embrace the rest.



  171.  #171Butterfly wings on August 16, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    Ha! So much for not seeing TH this weekend. He’s found a way to see me that benefits me and the girls too!

    So with the weather here being so amazing right now, we will be heading down the coast for lunch tomorrow and maybe a walk along the beach. The kids will love that and it will feel wonderful to get out in the fresh air! 🙂



  172.  #172Radlove on August 16, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Love Always,

    I love your gravatar!



  173.  #173Femininewoman on August 16, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Hi Stargirl I feel happy you liked them



  174.  #174LoveAlways on August 16, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Thanks Radlove!



  175.  #175MissStix on August 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    lovealways

    beautiful feeling words! i’m almost jealous :p I can’t wait to get off work and just be.

    Is it just me or does the blog have a wonderfully calm and serene vibe today?

    Maybe it is just lovealways and her words…



  176.  #176ALA on August 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Happy Birthday, April Rose!

    mmm, I just woke up from a nap, my brain feels kinda sticky, thick.

    LoveAlways, Beautiful thoughts, reading them felt like jumping into a cool spring on a warm, summer day.

    Lovely sharing from everyone today. I feel appreciative for the blog.



  177.  #177Daria on August 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    wow im feeling moved… just cried felt some grief had a breakthrough

    wooh



  178.  #178danke on August 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    I feel so sad reading this. I know I need to stay on track if I want to find the right guy but it is sometimes hard to feel confident enough to leave the wrong guy behind.

    I went out on a few dates with a guy I was really interested in. On our last date he said he was only looking for casual sex or friendship and wasn’t in a place to handle a relationship. He wondered if we could spend time together as friends since he really liked me and didn’t want have sex and then just never call again.

    I said let’s just see what happens.

    He dropped me off and said that he had had the most exciting day with me and “would remember it for the rest of his life” and wanted to make plans for the next time we would hang out. I put him off and said I’d call him.

    I sent him an email the next day saying I was flattered but did not want to just be friends. I was interested in dating him and having a sexual relationship with him so just being friends wasn’t going to work.

    I kind of hoped he would step up to the plate and decide he wanted to date me but he just replied he didn’t know what he wanted and appreciated my honesty and maybe we’ll see each other again in the future.

    Now, I feel sad. I know it is wrong but am thinking maybe if i just had gone with the flow and kept it light I would have eventually gotten what i wanted. It is really hard to walk away from a guy your are crushing on.



  179.  #179Rori Raye on August 16, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    danke, you did GREAT! Brava to YOU! You did exactly the right thing, and keep on doing what you’re doing. Love, Rori



  180.  #180Turquoise on August 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Hi sirens,
    Mr. Conversation came over yesterday to cut my grass and weed whack while I was at work. Looks amazing and I felt really taken care of, because I’ve resented doing yard work since I was a kid, because when my patents got divorced, it became my job. That felt unfair to me.
    Today he picked up my kids, met me at the pediatrician, stayed for the whole appointment to make sure my daughter was ok, and has contacted me several times today thru text. I didn’t lean forward at all. He also sat with me at our girls cheer event tonight and asked me out for drinks Wednesday night. We have one wonderful conversation after another and for the first time in years, I really feel cared for. We aren’t even sleeping together. I feel moved, that someone will be nice to me and my children just because.
    My first instincts were to run away because I thought he wasn’t ready for a relationship. What I’ve learned is that without any labels, or expectations, this has become such a positive part of my life. We really talk, about everything, for hours at a time. He loves the word awesome, so I asked for a new word for me…. He said amazing! My heart isnt crystal anymore girls. It feels warm and thumpy and like its almost back to normal. I feel like my old me again, and it’s not just because of him, it’s how I feel about myself and how I’m really being myself too. 😉



  181.  #181Turquoise on August 16, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    It was kinda funny though, we were talking last night about something I didnt really like, and I kept leaning further and further back. He commented that he could tell I felt disconnected. I asked how he knew and he said because I moved further away from him, my body language, facial expression and my comments. I purposely tried it, to see what would happen… He’s so great to experiment with because he’s so verbal and can talk about his feelings, pretty regularly. 😉 I’m learning a lot girls!



  182.  #182Emerson on August 16, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    I like this article it speaks to me….she is right we need to get out there and be on the presence of potential available men even if it’s just to practice. I’ve been connecting with my male friends and using feeling message and they want to spend time with me and help me yaaay! So sweet and I’ve been leaning back with them and they are asking me to make plans.

    In other news my potential cd who I will call textcd is becoming more attractive to me when u think about his qualities BUT I have not been ableb to make a real connection with him because he has not asked me to meet….be is being”safe” and maybe he feels hesitation coming from me…I feel guarded but I need a strong man to help me pull away from the fear….and pull me closer to him.

    I’m also back to manifesting things I want and need… I will spend some time tomorrow alone and visualizing a lifelong relationship because I find it scary but exciting too…

    I like how textcd expresses how much he likes me but on the other hand it’s on rest so wtf????



  183.  #183Emerson on August 16, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    It’s on text not rest …..I’m on my Phone posting this



  184.  #184Emerson on August 16, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I was imagining working somewhere and then a pending /potential offer was given to me!!
    Omg
    Also, I need to manifest a place to live and I want freedom and privacy and men in my life who want to help me and keep me company and help me feel safe and taken care of….



  185.  #185Simply Goddess on August 16, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    He lost his job a few weeks ago. It is since then that the relationship took a turn for the worse. He hasn’t got any money and for the past week we bickered a bit at times because he has been relying on me for money. Obviously that did’t feel good for me, but now I realise a mans deep connection with self esteem and worth and their career. He can’t provide for himself, ever mind his girl. So he’ pushed me away. Probably right now he feels like a loser and doesn’t feel like he deserves a woman like me. May I add I’m due to start a teaching career in a couple of weeks, just as he’s lost his job.
    I know I shouldn’t have my focus on him, but it makes it easier to understand things. I think the best thing probably is to give him space while he sorts his problems out. It’s the hardest thing in the world when you love someone though and is the worst timing for me. Crying myself to sleep and waking up early because it’s on my mind. I love him and just want to support him but to a man this may feel like pity right now. 🙁 I wihs it was easy to just focus on me.. It doesn’t feel it.



  186.  #186Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 12:03 am

    Simply goddess your picture is so pretty! I am sorry for your pain…. It is hard I know it feels sad…
    I’ve felt it’s helpful to do something little for myself every day like a mani/pedi or even a coffee or playing my favorite song…sending hugs to you.
    I’m happy for you and your new career!



  187.  #187ruth on August 17, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Simply Goddess, that feels good to hear.
    Giving him space will allow him to get his head around it all
    And you ned to look after you, especially if you are going to be starting a teaching placement.its going to be hard work(but exciting)

    Turquoise, Mr Conversation sounds lovely

    Morning ladies
    The world always looks much brighter after a run, even if i did get soaked

    I feel good about that
    🙂



  188.  #188Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 12:07 am

    Simply goddess reading back my message to you it sounds silly. Ugh. I’m not sure what to say to help you but I feel sad because I can relate to what you are going through



  189.  #189Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Hmmm I want love and kindness and kisses and security and masculine energy around me that would feel so nice



  190.  #190MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:07 am

    simply goddess

    You know it gets easier with time.

    We never know what the future holds. Loving a man who doesn’t support us in happiness is draining. It becomes consuming. It completely depletes a us of all our positive vibrations.

    I would tell you you’re over thinking this. But I know in the moment it seems impossible to stop.

    I can see you know what you need to do, but it’s so tough.

    I know what helped me in those very deeply hard moments.

    A lot of deep breathing…I find it impossible to shift my focus onto myself if I do not first focus on my breath and my body. Breathing deep in and out and first concentrating on the way the air feels moving in my nose and out my mouth. Cool in. Rushing through my nostrils. Warm out. Softly passing over my tongue and past my lips. When I feel my focus is very small and I am thinking nothing but feeling air I start to slowly expand it to include my throat. Woosh in. Cold at the back. Warm caress all the way out my mouth. Then my lungs. Filling, emptying. Ribs expanding, contracting. Arms leaden and tingly. Completely relaxed at this point. Belly. Soft and warm and slightly electric. Pelvis. Hollow and and slightly tight. Legs feel much like arms. Feet have that sensation I get when I’ve been on them all day and just sat down. Relieved and prickly and kind of liquid. Flat on my back and palms up. Hands feel almost numb.

    Then I allow myself to think. Only positive thoughts that don’t bring any other person, the past, or any doubt into them. I used to have them prepared ahead of time to avoid thinking “what should I think?” Which pulls me back immediately. It got a lot easier with practice… I think…You are beautiful. You feel relaxed and content right in this moment. You are on a journey of happiness. You are ready to love yourself. The universe is boundless and so are your possibilities.

    Once I finish I take a moment to really dwell in how I feel. I challenge myself to carry those thoughts and feelings through as many hours or minutes as possible.

    Exercises like this (and I have a LOT lol) helped me to let go of blame, anger, guilt, reasoning, and expectation. The only thing I expected was for me to slowly feel happier, more free, more lovable, more loved, more positive…And I did.

    It helped teach me how to feel positive and good most of the time regardless of what I was going through. It made my sadness less physically painful to feel, and easier to shift out of when I was ready. It became astonishingly easy to forgive and let go.

    You will find your way goddess! Baby step and trust in you.



  191.  #191MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

    I realize after going over what I wrote I do not practice these exercises enough anymore…And that feels disappointing and like a loss.

    Self promise…

    I will sink into at least one exercise a day.



  192.  #192MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:33 am

    I was such a boy on my way home from work tonite…Stick shift in hand, classic rock on the radio. Vroom vroom, bob and weave and “Hey! What’s your problem the light is green!”.

    I came to G’s house again tonite because I feel tired, slightly frustrated, and down right sore! Playing through the pain just sucks!

    I could not leave my masculine energy at the door today. I knew it…Could feel it. Had it confirmed when I snuck in his bedroom to grab a towel. He was curled up fetal style hugging my pillow and snoring softly. I had the most incredible most masculine urge to wake him up happy syle and blow his mind…

    Omg, I think “Just get in the damn shower!”. Make it frigid… :p

    Deprived.

    It’s hard working opposite shifts. He is up at 5 am and the end of his shift just happens to be the beginning of mine. Even if I come here he’s well and truely gonzo’d ny the time I get here.

    Positives…He wakes up when I crawl in beside him. Face lit immediately by a smile. “Hey baby! how was your day?”
    Melts my dam heart into glorious liquid gold. He awakens enough to listen, kiss me and then promptly pass out cold again. His snores lull me to sleep.

    Did I ever accept a grunt as a greeting? Sigh. Yep. I did.

    And that’s my call to bed…



  193.  #193ruth on August 17, 2012 at 2:18 am

    ah, Miss Stix

    Those breathing exercises feel nice
    Sounds like Yoga, and I too must go back to this

    Sleep well



  194.  #194Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 2:29 am

    Turquoise, you seem to be in a REALLY good place right now. I can sense some serious happiness coming from you right now! 😉



  195.  #195Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 2:31 am

    Hello sirens! I was talked into going to a work-related conference from Sunday till Wednesday next week, and this afternoon I realised that there’s a black tie gala dinner on Tuesday night. EEEK!

    I literally have NOTHING to wear!!! I did have a dress in my wardrobe, but it’s huge on my hips (I bought that dress around 15 years ago! lol), so I need to buy one.

    So I need your opinions.

    Here’s dress #1: http://www.hillsinhollywood.com/showproduct.php?id=1677&subcat=5



  196.  #196Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 2:32 am

    And #2: http://www.hillsinhollywood.com/showproduct.php?id=190&subcat=5

    What do you all think???? I have the darker colouring, which is kind of why I was thinking this one, but I LOVE the purple one too….



  197.  #197LiliBee on August 17, 2012 at 3:12 am

    Awesome BW!
    I would be so excited to be going to such an event!

    I like the 2nd dress best. The colour feels warmer.



  198.  #198ruth on August 17, 2012 at 3:17 am

    oooooooh

    that purple dress is GORGEOUS!



  199.  #199LiliBee on August 17, 2012 at 3:25 am

    I worked out my trigger around D working sor hard for appearances sake, to impress people.

    It’s my little 7 year old girl being triggered again.
    My mom would take me to church on Sundays wearing a white fur coat with matching white fur boots, hat and mittens.
    People would stare at me in awe, and my mom would be all proud to boast.
    I felt cold and lifeless.
    Getting back home in private, I was dressed in my brother’s hand me downs looking like a boy.
    There was no loving interactions at home.
    I felt like a cold lifeless decoration useful only for appearances.
    My parents were never around always working, and when they were around, they were dead tired.
    They were never available.

    I would have angry outbursts demanding loving attention, the same I’m having now with D.

    I told D how it made me feel when my bf called telling me she missed me terribly.
    I told him how good it felt to be wanted just for me.
    I also told him she demanded that I book every Tuesday night to be with me alone without me even asking.
    I really needed that and I feel so grateful to have her.

    He stepped up by asking me out to dinner just the 2 of us tonight.
    When he finished work late last night, he rushed over to see me for half an hour.

    Gosh, I slapped him, and he still wants to step up.
    I feel amazed at how emotionally strong he can be.
    He is definitely there to teach me something.
    I learn so much from my triggers with him.
    No matter what turns out with this relationship, it is one for my healing.



  200.  #200Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 3:38 am

    BW,

    195 – I like Number One better. Gorgeous!



  201.  #201Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Oh wow LiliBee, I’m impressed with how you’ve been able to identify with your 7 year old little girl.

    What a breakthrough huh??? And it definitely makes a LOT of sense!

    I’m loving reading your posts because I always learn from them. Now I’m trying to work out why things are the way they are with me and TH.

    I’ve not worked it out yet so I still have some thinking to do…!

    Thank you so much for sharing!



  202.  #202Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 3:39 am

    I have NO idea how much these dresses will cost, but if they’re cheap enough, maybe I’ll buy both! Haha!

    The conference is an IT conference too – mostly MEN! 😉



  203.  #203Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 3:40 am

    Thanks Radlove. I love them both! Argh! lol



  204.  #204ruth on August 17, 2012 at 3:56 am

    well, yes then buy both
    😉



  205.  #205Butterfly Wings on August 17, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Weeelll I’ve just done some online research, and they’re both almost $300 each. So no. I will have to choose just one. Darn! 😉

    Will try them both on tomorrow and see which one I like best!

    I feel EXCITED!



  206.  #206Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 4:31 am

    ((((((((((LiliBee))))))))))))))



  207.  #207Turquoise on August 17, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Butterfly wings, I like number 2 also! 🙂 I do FEEL very happy, very positive that things are just falling into place, I’m learning and growing and receptive to more. My life makes sense and I’m taking good care of me.

    (((lillebee)))

    Thanks Ruth, It is so refreshing to be around someone so open. He told me yesterday that he can hear the hurt in my voice and see it in my eyes about my divorce, things that happened in my marriage, how broken i felt, and I thought I hid it pretty well. I feel lke I can really be myself with him. I’ll never be anything but me again. 🙂



  208.  #208Dancing Siren on August 17, 2012 at 5:14 am

    BW I like the pinky dress best, definitely!

    Really pretty and I like the cinched in waist.

    You will look hot!

    xoxox



  209.  #209Rebecca on August 17, 2012 at 5:27 am

    Hmm..

    I am still feeling shocked at Daria feeling attacked and scared by me. I’m wondering what I can learn from this.

    Hopefully something hahah!



  210.  #210LiliBee on August 17, 2012 at 6:03 am

    207:

    Turquoise,

    Thank You so much for being here and sharing your journey with us!
    I can’t describe how happy I feel to have witnessed your tremendous growth since last winter.

    I can feel your warming sunrays radiate through the screen.
    It makes me feel so good to feel so inspired.
    I feel my heart swelling up.



  211.  #211MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 6:07 am

    BW

    Dress 2!

    Although I do love the purple jewel tone on darker colouring, the rosey dress is a nicer dress imo…

    Have fun!!!



  212.  #212Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Rebecca could it be to let go? Maybe that you hold on to negativity even after people have moved on? None of us can be responsible for other people’s feelings. I have learned that I hold on to things far too long so when I since I started using Rori’s affirmations I kind of dwell on “FM I set you free. I am fully equipped to release any condition that is no longer appropriate in my life”.



  213.  #213Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Rebecca I also did some tapping around wealth with Margaret Lynch and one of them included writing a number on a paper that represents twice the amount of debt I have. I was surprised how anxious and perturbed I felt just looking at the number.

    Part of her talk about it just being a number on a page. I realised I CHOSE to be anxious about a number on a page. So now I look at how I react to words on a screen. I no longer need to feel shocked, scared, unsafe or attacked by words on a screen. If that comes up I can laugh it at and ask myself what am I thinking? What am I remembering that is totally unrelated to the words or the screen or the person writing them.



  214.  #214MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 6:27 am

    So last night I wrote a lovely post about G and how he greets me when I crawl into bed. Then when I was done I went to the washroom to get ready for sleep. I hear a soft knocking…

    In walks G half asleep. He proceeds to the toilet and starts peeing, and farts. 3 times.

    Well alright. He’s just another man afterall 😀



  215.  #215Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 6:29 am

    BW I would choose the color based on my skin tone and likely the mood I am in that day.



  216.  #216bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 6:34 am

    i cried at work yesterday. i was feeling “expected” to stay late — but also i felt “useless” as it was the completion of a project i hadn’t been involved with.

    i went in to confirm with my supervisor that i was indeed being asked to stay. he said he would prefer if i did but it wasn’t required. later he walked by my desk & saw me wiping tears & asked me if i was OK.

    i put my hand on my belly & my hand on my heart & looked at him… thought about it… said what my mama told me “never” to say at work (((mama))) i said “i’m feeling a little overwhelmed”

    i did stay, but i left before everyone else. if he asks me about it, i will ask to schedule a meeting with him on Monday so that i can have the weekend to think.

    i actually woke up in the middle of the night crying over a different project at work… i was dreaming about it & kind of doing catch-y sobs into my pillow… felt so sad to wake to myself in that state & — ick, as i write my tears are storming up & my throat feels like i swallowed a baseball, so ….. something must be expressed, but i don’t know how else to “name” it…



  217.  #217Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 6:44 am

    bloom-ing I feel even more convinced now that you are pregnant. Everything about your words, your name your gavatar is saying it to me. Reading your comments is reminding me of myself when I was.



  218.  #218Rebecca on August 17, 2012 at 6:45 am

    FW

    Yes, I see where you are coming from. I get it. Hmm… stuff to think about, stuff coming up inside of me… Still feeling a bit painful, I hope this will shift..



  219.  #219Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 6:46 am

    The weekend is almost here and I’m still purring like a satisfied cat from spending last Sunday night with GM, but I can feel the itch starting to creep back into my soul ~ I want to see him again!

    He told me he plans to play hard this weekend . . . he did not come out and invite me to join him. I SHOULD NOT contact him . . . I should stay home and focus on me or contact some other CD that i am not in love with and entice him to take me out or something . . . anything but ask GM if he wants a playmate . . .

    However . . . Lol. I know I will almost certainly contact him. I’ve had a fresh taste of my man-crack and omg, I want MORE!!!

    Hmmmmmmm………. itchy ~



  220.  #220Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Rebecca I am wondering if it has anything to do with feeling unheard, invisible?



  221.  #221LiliBee on August 17, 2012 at 6:58 am

    201:

    It dawned on me when my bf called missing me so much, and I sank into those feelings.
    It reminded me what it felt like to be wanted and having warm human interraction.

    Then, what finally tied it all together and brought it home for me, was watching the movie “The Vow”.

    She left her family to build her own life on her own terms filled with love and warmth instead of the cold ‘appearances’.

    I did the same.
    I live a 7-hour drive away from my family.
    I managed to build my own worklife.
    I love where I live.
    I have warm and friendly neighbours.
    I have 3 very warm and open girlfriends.
    D’s whole family is warm, loving and open.

    All that’s missing is the man.
    I have been able to build the life I wanted for myself.
    The only barrier to the love life I want with a man is me.
    My whole family has transformed into a warm loving one…by me transforming 1st.

    I’ve transformed my relationships at work, with friends and family over the years, so I can do it with a man too.
    If it’s not this man, than this man will trigger me into healing for the right one.

    I feel so peaceful, calm and serene with that thought.
    I feel grounded.
    I feel warm love for myself.



  222.  #222Rebecca on August 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    FW

    Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I really want things to shift..



  223.  #223Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Found these affirmations

    Affirmations for Self-Confidence and Self-Belief

     Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back.
     I know that I can master anything if I do it enough times.
     Today I am willing to fail in order to succeed.
     I believe that I have the strength to make my dreams come true.
     I’m going to relax and have fun with this, no matter what the outcome may be.
     I’m proud of myself for even daring to try; many people won’t even do that!
     Today I put my full trust in my inner guidance.
     I grow in strength with every forward step I take.
     I release my hesitation and make room for victory!
     With a solid plan and a belief in myself, there’s nothing I can’t do.



  224.  #224Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 7:01 am

    Affirmations for Inner Clarity

     Today I awaken to my higher wisdom.
     My inner voice guides me in every moment.
     I am centered, calm and clear.
     I always know the right actions to achieve my goals.
     When I know where I’m going, getting there is a cinch!
     Today I am completely tuned in to my inner wisdom.
     Harmony is always a sign that I am balanced from within.
     Thank you for showing me the way to my dreams.
     I trust my feelings and insights.
     I



  225.  #225Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

    Today I give myself permission to be greater than my fears.
     I love myself no matter what.
     I am my own best friend and cheerleader.



  226.  #226Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Rebecca I believe they shift when I decide. For me it is using self talk/affirmations that work. I don’t even realize when things shift I just kind of wake up one morning and they have.

    I love the practice Miss Stix describes in 190 above. It is the kind of thing CCarter suggests we do to take care of ourselves. Carve out a time during your day to specifically take care of your inner self like that. I believe it is the same thing Rori encourages with the visualizations and tools



  227.  #227Rebecca on August 17, 2012 at 7:19 am

    FW

    Thanks. Yes I agree with what Miss Stix said and the affirmations. It’s remembering and encouraging myself to use them that I need to work on. Again, hopefully this shift will happen for me, I still feel it is bringing up slightly uncomfortable and painful emotion at the moment. I intend to work on it..



  228.  #228Daria on August 17, 2012 at 7:28 am

    ((((Rebecca))))



  229.  #229Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 7:48 am

    I just made myself go on POF and use the “Meet Me” section to click, “Yes”, “No” or “Maybe” on 20 guys to say if I am interested in meeting them – whew that is so hard for me! I don’t really want to meet anyone new, but I’m trying to keep my heart open to the idea and trying not to focus so much on wanting GM.

    I actually clicked “Yes” on 2 of the guys . . . maybe we can start a conversation that will keep me from running to GM this weekend . . . maybe.

    Maybe I’ll just paint my shutters and drink heavily . . . Lol



  230.  #230bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 7:51 am

    lol, femininewoman… wow that would really be “something” – well, i will let you know : ) hm



  231.  #231Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Sirens – how do you feel about dating a man who is shorter than you? I just got a POF email from a guy who is 2 inches shorter than me (Which happens to me a lot!). . . it is a huge turnoff for me – just wondering how the rest of you feel? I’m 5’10” – I really want to be with a man who is at least 6″ tall – I can’t see myself with someone who is 5′ 8″ . . .

    GM is 6’6″ . . . sigh ~



  232.  #232Starla on August 17, 2012 at 8:11 am

    I am feeling so weird, like I don’t want to date anymore. Like I would rather spend my time alone right now. This is so weird for me!

    I don’t actually like any of my CDs romantically

    It just feels like work, lol.

    I wish I didn’t have any dates this weekend. Instead, I have at least 3.



  233.  #233Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Starla ~ I understand how you feel! Sometimes it feels like such a CHORE to keep dating! I just get to the point where I want to be alone, like it is a relief to just not have a date.

    Part of my problem is I like to leave my options open . . . I don’t like being locked into plans with someone I don’t know or am not crazy about.



  234.  #234Starla on August 17, 2012 at 8:14 am

    i might be bliss blocking

    or maybe i’m afraid of being seen as unavailable or snooty if i don’t accept dates every weekend.

    i dunno

    i’m tired!



  235.  #235Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I haven’t been on the blog so much lately and now when I write, sirens rarely respond to my words….I feel lIke I need to work harder at being “popular” and “liked” so I can be rewarded with interactions with sirens on the blog…or I need to comment more to be “known” and acknowledged….I feel sad.hmm I don’t want that I wonder what it’s showing up to heal?



  236.  #236Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Emerson – It’s the same for me…

    I usually don’t have much time to be on here and when I do – I feel invisible sometimes. That’s what we get for posting and running – lol

    Anyway – HI EMERSON!!! 🙂



  237.  #237Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Hi calypso thank u



  238.  #238bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 8:28 am

    rebecca, i used to date someone who would “cheer” for me & i just talk to myself like he used to… “lk ! lk! she’s the best!” lol… “sweet baby, you’re just a sweet girl” calm voice….. “little baaaabyyyyy” gentle gentle… you’re just a baby genius, aren’t you ? ” awwwww : )))

    i want to feel gentle towards myself… & i do want to feel like i’m the Queen in my own body… & in my Relationship… &&& i want to bow to other Queens of other Bodies – like respectful diplomacy between sovereign nations : )) yum – bowing to you, rebecca : )



  239.  #239Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:28 am

    I feel like a stompy whiney baby with a sad face creating words to get attention and acknowledgement. Hhhmmph. Feel bad for me so u will reply to me 🙁 🙁
    Well interestingly enough, sometimes that is the only wy I’ve gotten help from my family is by pitching a “poor Emerson” sob story. Not simply because I’m family and I need some help and leave it at that and leave my dignity intact. Sacrifice of dignity and pride seems to be a requirement before getting help.

    Noo my family has only helped me when I’m on a dramatic enge of ruin so they have a sensational story to tell themselves about helping Emerson or they can tell their kids or friends about it and how I was on the edge of disaster but overcame it and pulled myself up with THEIR heroic assistance …..oh hero thank you (my hostile sarcasm)



  240.  #240bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

    awww, emerson, me too! i feel stomp-ing whine-ing bahhh humbug crunchy morning feelings right now & like firing my boss ! lol : )



  241.  #241Rebecca on August 17, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Daria, thank you for the hug! Feels nice… 🙂

    Bloom-ing, yeah, I would like someone cheering for me, sounds nice, yum too… 🙂



  242.  #242Simply Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Now know the meaning of ‘a heavy heart’

    Thing is, I’m still unsure as to what he really wants.. He has his child at the moment, he was asking me to ring him last night but then his child came in the room and he couldn’t talk. Then this morning he text to say to ask if I wanted to go for a Chinese tomorrow and we’ll go to school and sort out the classroom :-/ ..as thought nothings wrong. (His child is going home tomorrow so he’ll be free to come down).
    I’m now beginning to think it’s just because his child is there and he can’t come down. Once she goes he’ll want to make up.
    I said I was a bit busy tomorrow but would be able to meet for something to eat, shall we say, late afternoon. (I’m going out tomorrow night). He hasn’t replied back all day.

    Really confusing.. but yes.. heavy heart is what I’ve got right now.



  243.  #243Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:35 am

    I do feel thankful for the reminders from all of you to lean back and stay in the feminine….
    It helps me so much to read your words thank you!!!!!!!!

    I feel triggered by te textCDs hot and coldness…he expressed his feelings for me but it felt flat “hearing” it over text

    Hmm I feel curious why I have had more than one man insist on texting texting texting and no real action…. Am I attracting a fear of ” real life ” contact cuz I feel nervous???



  244.  #244bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 8:38 am

    i feel grateful in advance for whatever magical happenings are building themselves into the static electricity around me right now – i intend to direct my heart-mind static noise into strengthening the patterns of the Joy & Beauty around me – thank you



  245.  #245Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:38 am

    ((blooming))



  246.  #246Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Calypso I feel that shorter guys are sexy and as one siren put it once…just imagine like your re a hot confident supermodel with her man!! I have an admirer right now who is about an inch shorter than me



  247.  #247Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 8:43 am

    This shorter guy is cute and confident and told me he wanted me to sit in his lap!!!! lol just being playful but I can tell he likes me…I catch him smiling at me a lot a work awwwww



  248.  #248Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Good morning!

    I intend to flow with grace and beauty today



  249.  #249Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Sirens, I feel downright lost right now…

    Not too long ago (2 weeks ago and some) M gave me a promise ring as a promise for an engagement ring as soon as his divorce is finalized (he doesn’t think it’s proper to give me an engagement ring per say while his divorce is still being finalized). JUST A NOTE: I met him 1.5, years ago AFTER he had already been separated and moved out and started divorce procedures months before I met him (I know some Sirens get triggered by this so I want to mention it)

    He has been weirdly withdrawn since then.

    Then we went on vacation all last week and up to Wednesday night with our kids (his 3 (5,7,11) and mine (7). For those who know me from the blog, you know this has been an issue with us previous vacation. The kids are all over him and my 7 yr old feels left out in some activities and frankly I do to. When I spoke to him about how I FEEL about this, he doesnt respond the usual way, he withdraws further which has made me feel emotionaly up and down the last 2 weeks!

    For example, during vacation, we went whale watching and he took with his kids the 4 spots left at the front therefore my son and I had to sit alone at the back of the boat. Also, went we went kayaking with a guide, we found ourselves in the middle when a big boat was coming and we had to move out of the way fast and he went way ahead of me with 2 of his kids in his kayak and the other one of his kids with the guide. I was left behind in a kayak with my 7 yr old frantically trying to move fast (there were however other kayakers near me, but he was away ahead and didnt even look back to see where I was). I have spoken to him about how I felt, yet it’s hard to do without making him feel wrong.

    Now, he wants to talk tonight saying things were not good on vacation even though the last several days were great. He wants me to come over but leave my 7 yr old with a babysitter so that we can talk… This means he has no plans for me sleeping over.. which means he probably wants to break-up… and I feel so sad.

    He also thinks his kids dont like me as much as they used too because they think I am over protective of my son, but M lets his kids do just about anything. I know they love me and even today they wanted me to stay but he said he wanted to go alone with his kids to see his parents (we always go along as a family usually). Then the kids asked if we could come, but I said I have things to do because I could see M was not happy.



  250.  #250Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Emerson – For me, being with a shorter man brings out my boy energy. I struggle “Being the girl” anyway. I sort of need the reminder that the man is stronger than me by having to look up at him. My father was very tall – 6’4″ – I think I’m just programmed to “need” that in a man.

    I’m being nice to short guy on email, but he is a smoker too, so no way we would date. I’m always on the look-out for a good reason NOT to date someone – lol. I love my intimacy issues ~



  251.  #251Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Siren Angel:

    I feel inspired to remind you to “be surprised”. I feel concerned hearing that you are already assuming he wants to break up. I wonder if preparing a script might be helpful? Maybe being open to his suggestion of how to bring more peace around the children, would be helpful.



  252.  #252Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Should I give back the promise ring if he breaks up with me?



  253.  #253bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 8:56 am

    (((((Siren Angel))))



  254.  #254Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Maybe you two could work together as a team to find a solution?

    Ps I’m typing on my phone. Sorry if this is coming across a little disjointed. I feel awkward.



  255.  #255Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Laughing Goodness, I feel scared that’s what he wants because he doesnt want us to sleep over tonight by asking me to leave my kiddie with a bbsitter. Also, he hugged me but does not want to kiss me… it was obvious. He says he is distant and we need to talk.



  256.  #256bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 8:59 am

    oh hm, my boss just came by, said, hello, just wanted to see how you were doing today – i smiled, said thank you – he said, glad to see you, you’re ok, just hang in there : ) – i said thank you, smile : )

    that’s nice… feel kind of “high” like a kite – tension in my string, though : ) lol a bit juicy ahhh i’d like a kite for my birthday : )))) lk you can buy that for yourself : ) hoorah i feel happy & float-y yum



  257.  #257Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Awww, that probably feels scary. Just remember though, things can change on a dime. And if he sees that there is hope to find a solution, it might change things…if that’s what you are wanting.



  258.  #258Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Yay blooming!



  259.  #259Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Radlove: thanks for the enthusiastic welcome back earlier. I feel loved.



  260.  #260T-Girl on August 17, 2012 at 9:13 am

    214 MissStyx, your post made me giggle. I guess I can relate 🙂



  261.  #261bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 9:14 am

    & then someone just came by & offered to buy me a special coffee, but i already have a tea, so i said awww thank you : ) but i have my yummy tea : )) & wow… just noticing that as an abundant feeling, to be offered something that i do really enjoy, but saying, thank you, i actually have more than enough already… hm, i invite that feeling to grow & double…triple….exponentially increase : ) in my heart & in my life & in the world & in the universe : )) ooh yum!



  262.  #262Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Thank you Laughing Goodness



  263.  #263Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Calypso I know what you mean about the height thing but thing again have you already decided that he is the one? If not I would ask myself what difference does it make? I am saying that because I believe it is these superficial things we use to block connection with people.



  264.  #264Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 9:21 am

    I am writing on my phone too laughing goddess it feels akward 🙂



  265.  #265Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Happy Birthday blooming. I see a very colorful happy feeling kite.



  266.  #266Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I like short guys they tend to be gaga over me and I’m not that tall lol I’m 5’4″…one of my long term relationships was with a man only one inch taller but I wear heels a lot and he loves it so I was basically taller all the time. He used to buy me lingerie and was super sexy!!! I felt sexy with him and he was very masculine and take charge guy ….
    Just wanted to share



  267.  #267Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Your welcome, Siren Angel. I hope it was helpful.

    For some reason, I’m thinking that he as masculine needs to ‘solve the problem’.

    One way to solve the problem would be to break up.

    But another way would be for you two to come together as a team to unite the family.

    Anyway, sending you lots of love and strength.



  268.  #268Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Hi Emerson! I know! Ugh, I feel like my words come out so discombobulated because it’s hard to go back and proofread.

    I was reading some posts the other day, maybe yesterday, from you and I felt so uplifted and delighted by your vibe.



  269.  #269Tam on August 17, 2012 at 9:30 am

    sadness vibe ..breaking up stories.
    I feel sad for ladies suffering in love, I feel sad for myself. Oh the sadness vibe.
    I want to run and hide and block it out.
    I want to physically block people on fb so I don’t see reminders of ‘people’ being in contact with my friends but not me.
    Feeling shut out
    Feeling alone
    Feeling sad
    Taking one step forward and 10 steps back.
    I so want to be over it.
    Tomorrow one month no contact.
    I feel a little angry that I am not over it.
    I feel angry that he is not chasing me.
    Am I not worthy to chase?
    Grrrr. Anger, anger, anger and sadness, my old friends.
    I want to feel happy
    I want to forget the anger and the sadness.
    I want to feel sunlight on my face and smiles and happy people.
    No stories of people breaking up, I want everyone to be together, stay together, be happy ‘work things out’, keep rings, get better rings….I want fairytale for all of us. I know it’s not realistic. 🙁



  270.  #270stargirl on August 17, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Siren Angel 249
    Maybe M felt that you had a jealous vibe instead of a loving yourself vibe?
    Sounds scary and frustrating
    You deserve someone who wants to give you the best seat in the boat



  271.  #271Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 9:32 am

    It would feel great to get a puppy and I’m not kidding. 🙂 And a place to live and feel happy. Not just bare bones survival. I invite abundance and happiness and laughter and softness and love. …
    I keep “wishing” that textCd would step up….wwwaahh feels whiney and in the wrong frame… Focus on you Emerson lets go get your beauty errands done today !!!!



  272.  #272Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Awwww thanks LG I feel good reading your words to me …feelslike when a girlfriend rings me up and wants to meet for coffee “just because” ….well it’s the same sort of feeling 🙂



  273.  #273Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I don’t knOw what beauty errands are but they sound fun



  274.  #274LiliBee on August 17, 2012 at 9:38 am

    (((( Siren Angel )))),

    Those are your NVs talking.
    He wants to talk to you alone without interruptions.
    That’s all you know.
    Be open to anything and hear him out.
    He may just want to figure out how to work it out and negotiate a solution with you.



  275.  #275Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Laughing Goodness, Yes, he definetely feels there is a problem and probably wants an easy fix for his kids… i will keep your suggestion and stay open on trying to find a solutions together to make things better when the kids are around.

    Stargirl, Thank you but there was no jealousy whatsoever for his kids… On the contrary, I often feel and see that his kids want him all to themselves and thay we (my son and I) are for the siblings (his kids)



  276.  #276Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Siren Angel my sense from what you write now and before is that there is constant competition with the kids. I truly understand how you feel but I would suggest that if the tables were turned you would also give most of your energy to your kids. I have always been curious about people who have more than 2 kids because it seems I can’t give my 2 the emotional support and attention that they need. As such I feel challenged to understand how people handle it. I also imagine that your feeling messages around the issue must come across as criticism so I would look again how I shared those.

    I imagine also that he might be thinking that God forbid something should happen to him after getting married to you, how his kids might be treated. Most parents I know believe they are the best ones for their kids to be with. All in all it seems to me like this is an issue that is not going away and you have not yet found a way to talk about it so he can here you. I am wondering if using your body language to express your sadness about it rather than your voice would make a difference? If you keep repeating it might eventually change to “nag” in his mind.

    Regarding the ring, my opinion is when a man gives something I consider it a gift so I should not be thinking about returning it. I have been asked to return an engagement ring. It is still in my house.

    I would go in to his “talk” thinking about him trying to find a way to resolve the issue rather than him wanting to break up. Also it feels odd that he is asking you to come over, is he paying for the sitter?



  277.  #277Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:39 am

    I’m gonna think of all the errands I have to do today as beauty errands. It just sounds so much more glamourous.



  278.  #278Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Stargirl, Thank you but there was no jealousy whatsoever for his kids… On the contrary, I often feel and see that his kids want him all to themselves and that we (my son and I) are ‘extra competition’ for the siblings (his kids)



  279.  #279Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Lg it means I need to go buy some makeup to restock my beauty kit 😉 and maybe go get my brows and nails done yaaay 🙂



  280.  #280LiliBee on August 17, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Great to see you again Laughing Goddess! 🙂



  281.  #281Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

    One of my platonic male friends wants to spend time with me today… I was using so many feeling messages with him yesterday and he kept responding with ” nice!” and then he said “are u free tomorrow? I want to see u!” awwwww



  282.  #282Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Good to see you too, Lilibee. I’ve been enjoying reading your self-reflections lately. Very inspiring.

    I’m off now to do my beauty errands now ladies. Hope y’all have a great day!



  283.  #283Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 9:49 am

    (((LG)))

    259 – You’re welcome!



  284.  #284bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 9:50 am

    i kind of want a pedicure… but i notice when i try to “calculate” the “cost” of it… i’m saying to myself, well it’ll be The Cost – Plus, it will be The Cost of Lost Overtime Hours – so i’m telling myself it’s a million dollar pedicure & i don’t deserve it. the other way to look at it is that, well, i already have my time in, i bet i could sneak off an hour early, get my toes done, & get home & get ready for dinner & feel pretty ! man vs. woman. who wins ?

    aw ick & i just had to pay a hundred dollars for a driving course… but actually that’s in my Budget, so it “shouldn’t” have anything to do with my feelings about a pedicure…. i really want my feet rubbed. i feel sure that everything will be OK. it will help me, it’s like medicine. would i tell myself no medicine ? oh, i have before (((girl))) it’s ok i love you go get your feet rubbed that’s good & you rub the feet of others too, yum, you see ? yum

    & actually i weirdly feel excited about the course. i scheduled it a place far from me, but very beautiful, so i’ll have a long relaxing beautiful drive both ways & i’ll feel yummy : ) ok

    oh & now i’m seeing emerson & laughing goddess about “beauty errands” & i feel super happy to go “join” them by skipping off work early & indulging yum i feel like a mermaid in a luscious cave, everyone singing & primping for the weekend…

    that’s that same “other” feeling i get…. the ouch – ick – “fitting” squeezing discomfort like misalignment of my spine while sitting…. weird



  285.  #285bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 9:54 am

    i remember when i discovered my idea of keeping a “to-do” list as little physical reminders of each chore in a zip-lock baggie & i felt really happy like a princess : ) i can do that again & feel happy about it !



  286.  #286bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 9:55 am

    then i felt i had a bag of treasure, not chores – & then when it was empty (or empty-ish) i felt Responsible & Easy-Light : )



  287.  #287Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Feminine Woman, Thank you.

    ‘ Also it feels odd that he is asking you to come over, is he paying for the sitter?’ I have a 19 year old at home so it is easier for me to go over to his place to talk. He did suggest at first that he come over when my little one is in bed sleeping to talk, but with my 19 year old it is unpredictable if we will be able to talk peacefully… Also we spend a lot more time ‘as a family’ at his place since he has more beds for the kiddies as he has 3…



  288.  #288Starla on August 17, 2012 at 10:02 am

    i’m totally getting a mani pedi on my lunch as preparation for my FIRST RUNNING RACE TONIGHT!!
    wooo



  289.  #289Tam on August 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

    hey hey Starla, good luck, love!



  290.  #290Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Feminine Woman,
    He withdrew a little after the ring, and it made me go on a emotional roller coaster. Also, there was a very trigering incident and conversation with his 11 yr old on vacation. His 11 yr old was jumping ON my 7 yr old in a trampoline and my son got hurt. It escalated. Later when we went out to diner, the 11 yr old came in my car with me and my son and told me he wants his parents back together. He also said that the argument made him remember this: That once he (the 11yr old) threw a hammer at his mom’s back and that when she ran to M, he wouldn’t protect her. When I later related this conversation to M, he said he didnt quite recall the incident but that is sounded familiar but that’s not what must have happened. It felt to me like he knew exactly what I was talking about but doesnt want me to know this stuff.

    I am trying very hard to build with these kids, but it’s like the 11yr old is constantly putting up walls between M and I and his 7 and 5 yr old respond. He bullies them a lot, as well as bullies my son, and somehow they hold him in high regard and follow him in dangerous games. Just yesterday, he invented a game where he would jump on their heads on the sofa for fun and M’s 5 yr old got seriously hurt. Also, when we were on vacation on a very high dune, he threw rocks down where there were people below. He was warned by the beach guard and some people yet would it again as soon as we werent looking… I get trigered by this and it creates conflict and most times I actually avoid it by looking the other way until M gets involved.



  291.  #291Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

    FW,

    I feel like the kids compete with me and my son for M’s full attention… not the other way around. But M doesnt see it, he blames it all on me if things arent perfect.



  292.  #292Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

    FW – I’m not sure about your question – Have I decied who is the one? The short guy I was talking about is someone i just met via a POF email today – it was just a general question wondering what other sirens thought about dating men shorter than them. It may be a bigger issue for me because I am so tall and when I was in school, I was taller than all of the boys I liked, which was tough – they went for the little short girls and I felt awkward, like I wanted to slouch down and be shorter. I don’t feel like that now – I love my hieght and my long legs and I like to wear heels – but I want to look up at my man, even when wearing heels.

    I’m sure it is just one of many things I use to keep potential dates away from me emotionally – because they are not GM and he is The One – in my heart. All 6’6″ of him ~



  293.  #293Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Siren Angel: I was thinking about your situation as I was getting ready to leave the house and for some reason, I felt inspired to pop back on and encourage you to tend to your vibe before you go over there.

    Maybe take a bath, eat a really nourishing meal. Whatever it takes to get into a calm, open, feminine vibe. Or doing whatever your spiritual practice is, prayer, meditation, journalling.

    Or maybe it would be better to postpone the meeting until you can get into that sort of space.

    I just know that when I am able to change my vibe, magic happens.

    And I imagine that if you go over there already tense and worried and triggered, well….That just doesn’t feel as empowering.



  294.  #294Starla on August 17, 2012 at 10:19 am

    In other news, I have had a resurgence of thoughts of CF. Still just feeling like, “huh??” about him suddenly disappearing. Wanting to contact him to be like “soooooo it’s been months and months now; do you ever intend to face me like a man?”

    i dunno. i’m just venting. i won’t contact him. i already said goodbye in an email months ago that he may or may not have read.



  295.  #295Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Also, maybe finding one of Rori’s visualization tools that you can commit to practing while you are there, so that you are really conscious of type of energy you are contributing to the situation.



  296.  #296Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Yay for the race, Starla!!! I feel so inspired!

    And about CF, maybe he’s still working out his quantum leap. He’ll show up at just the right time.



  297.  #297Starla on August 17, 2012 at 10:29 am

    LG, I have this deep feeling that CF is going backwards, not leaping forwards. or maybe he went really far backwards, and perhaps i am feeling him now because he is coming back into my vibration.

    who knows?
    i love me sooooo much though. i do know this much.

    love you mucho, LG



  298.  #298Starla on August 17, 2012 at 10:31 am

    or maybe *i* am going backwards, which is why i’m feeling him.

    hmmmmmmmmmm

    i do feel myself going a little bit backwards.



  299.  #299Tam on August 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

    290 Siren Angel..ouch…you can”t win with that scenario, this could always be an issue.
    I remember my guy’s son was also out of control and I did not say anything, because I knew there was no way he would see it from my perspective because he was a very good father and proud of it – to him it translated to: my kids are to be treated as adults (pre-teenager!!) and they can do what they want. I will not discipline them. So I could not win. if they played drums till midnight, that was ok until the neighbours complained and when they complained he would say ‘ah they are out of order’. His kids ran the house with friends and he would ‘retreat’ to the bedroom. I did not want to stay in a bedroom all day and he would say: but it’s the size of your condo, what is the problem?
    He just never saw my point. So I just accepted it and it contributed to the end of the relationship.
    The kids will always come before you (to a certain extent I understand that), and they will come before your son too. I feel for you but this is a very tricky scenario….
    Personally, I would not date a guy with small kids ever again. It’s a shame because I gave it a go thinking it would be ok, but there just was no compromise to be had – at all.



  300.  #300ALA on August 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Calypso, I can relate to what you are saying. This week I’ve been feeling so bored with my CDs. Like Starla, it feels like work and I don’t want to be groped by someone I don’t have feelings for. I place their value and priority on height (and the amount of interest they show that they have for me). And I know it’s because I am soooooo in lllloooove with D.



  301.  #301Starla on August 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

    I also dreamt last night that it turned out i’ve been pregnant this whole time, even though i get my period regularly. in my dream, i looked down and my belly was definitely showing, and it had to be CF’s because I haven’t slept with anyone else. Weird dream.

    I’m not pregnant, btw.



  302.  #302Tam on August 17, 2012 at 10:33 am

    298 – Starla, what you say makes me feel good because I keep coming back to MrU in my thoughts and feel a failure for even wasting thoughts on him now….and I am glad in a way that others are struggling with the same. Makes me feel like less of a freak 🙁
    Thank you for sharing



  303.  #303Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Starla, what if there is a man (or men) out there who is are even better match for you than CF? Who you feel relaxed, and cared for, and amazing around…

    I’m just sayin, what if?



  304.  #304Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

    PS. Love you too!!!



  305.  #305bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

    soft, warm, open



  306.  #306Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Siren angel I was talking with my cousin the other day about a fame situation and I felt tense…I stood withmy palms open and forward with one foot in front of the other imagining an open heart and it all went smoothly, x not sure if I did it right but I was attempting Rori’s dance position for communicating with men…



  307.  #307Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Siren angel I was talking with my cousin the other day about a family situation and I felt tense…I stood withmy palms open and forward with one foot in front of the other imagining an open heart and it all went smoothly, x not sure if I did it right but I was attempting Rori’s dance position for communicating with men…



  308.  #308Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I just broke down and posted on GM’s FB page.

    “I want to play ~”

    At least now the tension has eased in my belly and I can re-focus on me. I bought a couple of cute things for my house on my lunch break, to help me get into doing my housework and staying home like a good girl tonight instead of driving to see GM like I really want to do.

    He may or may not comment on my post. i like doing that better than texting him. I know he would never ignore text message from me – even when he is working or busy. I didn’t want to text him with anything requiring a response. This was just a poke . . . like, “Hey . . . let’s play!”

    I feel better.

    He is invited to my sons going to Boot Camp party at a cabin with a rented pontoon boat next weekend, but still not sure if he is going to make it. he has his daughter next weekend, so probably not. My son really likes him – he’s a man’s man…

    Meanwhile I now have 2 new POF guys emailing me today. One just marked me as a “Favorite”. Ack – I don’t want to play this game . . .



  309.  #309Daria on August 17, 2012 at 10:43 am

    I feel triggered by Siren Angel’s situation

    I wonder if this is a good match?

    it doesn’t sound like a lot of love understanding or compassion for the man’s children… a lot of judgement

    that wouldn’t feel good in a family

    i wonder if reading about mindful parenting and child led parenting would help?

    i feel concerned and sad thinking about kids growing up with a step mom who doesn’t understand or accept them and sees them separately from her own children…

    same for the man towards her child…



  310.  #310Starla on August 17, 2012 at 10:46 am

    303 LG
    There so is:)



  311.  #311stargirl on August 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Cancelled tonight’s date with CDnile because his texting came across as rude. I was getting triggered and felt that if I went I would just be in a bad mood. Decided to cancel and take care of me. Beauty errands! Going for a run! Just what I need because I already met with CDbike this morning and maybe a break will be good. I feel confused and lonely but I think the run will make me feel calm.

    I made a deal with myself that if I finish my thesis I can take a job and go home. I have been putting a lot of energy into getting some writing done! Time to get out some aggression! : )



  312.  #312Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Emerson: Thanks for the reminder If the dance position. I’m committing to practicing that today.

    I’m procrastinating my beauty errands. Maybe I would feel more motivated if I tended to my vibe first. Yes, yes, I’m going to take my own advice and nourishing myself rather than rushing. I have all the time in the world.



  313.  #313Daria on August 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Siren angel – sorry i feel guilty!

    you sound like maybe you’re way more into using control in parenting than this man…

    for me compatibiilty in parenting is HUGE in waht i look for in a man…

    I would consider researching different parenting styles, and even taking a parenting class or seminars/workshops about parenting “challenging” kids



  314.  #314Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 10:48 am

    ((calypso))
    ((Starla))
    ((tam))
    ((sirens))



  315.  #315ALA on August 17, 2012 at 10:48 am

    D has been chasing me. It feels heartwarming, glowing, intense. Nobody has ever chased me like this. I’m feeling heard and he sees how the anger impacts the relationship growing and evolving. It’s very different now compared to last week. I feel that I have changed too from who I was a couple months ago. I’m not needy and blaming… so much more at peace with myself and life.



  316.  #316Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I believe just about any situation can be worked out. I believe in magic. That feels yummy and freeing.



  317.  #317Daria on August 17, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Calypso – my guess if FW meant that since we’re CDing for therapy and healing ourselves, and not for considering each man as ‘the potential ‘one”..it wouldn’t matter if he’s a match for your past tastes physically…

    btw in my experience and from Rori’s stuff, our physical preferences are just reflections of our past patterns… not something to select with



  318.  #318Daria on August 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

    oops i meant in my experience as i open up emotionally to men who are not ‘my type’ i find myself attracted to more and more men that i wouldn’t have before (maybe not the one im on the date with… but one ‘like him’ – who i wouldn’t have been open to before)



  319.  #319Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Well I don’t know what to say about textCD it’s like he was on a roll with me and now silence. so hard to read him BECUZ IT’S TExTING!!!!!!!!

    Ok I need to switch my focus.

    I may have a job offer for fun part time work so pretty intrigued about that but i feel totally unattached to the outcome….

    Regarding this article I like the author’s idea of being set up with someone by a friend. I may put the radar out there….feels mucho scary to do that. ((Emerson))

    Btw pedicures are very important to me and I feel they make me happy cuz I look at my toes all the time!!! I even have the ladies paint designs and I don’t mind paying e tea for that cuz I love it and men get all inteigued by my cute toes when they see them all perfect and shiny



  320.  #320Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Butterfly wings I love the dresses you picked and I wish I had an event to go and get dressed up too!!!



  321.  #321Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Thanks Daria.

    It would be easier if I really was interested in a relationship – since I’m not – I look for any little excuse not to date someone. Heavy sigh ~

    I can literally feel the walls building up around me the minute a man acts interested in me. If I thought he just wanted sex and casual dating, I would feel better. It’s the ones looking for a committment that make me want to run screaming.

    However – I am trying (Since I am practicing CD’ing to heal myself) to keep a more open mind about the “type” of guy I date. I have just had so many guys go for that instant relationship that I now feel the need to just tell them up front that I don’t want to date them long-term because they smoke, are too short, live too far away, smell like a chicken farmer, etc – LOL.

    I have issues ~ luckily they make me laugh…



  322.  #322Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Daria, I am not surprised to feel triggered by your response. I love his kids tremendously and know they love me too.

    Actually, I leave the parenting of his kids to him but I do say when I feel something.



  323.  #323Daria on August 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

    “I just know that when I am able to change my vibe, magic happens.”

    oh yeah that would feel way yum



  324.  #324Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Calypso about the shorter man thing yes he needs to be a very masculine man for me to feel turned on in general and if the guy is shorter I feel turned on regardless…as long as he is masculine… But that’s just me. I on the other hand don’t feel turned on by very tall men at all. And my daddy is super tall and thin!!



  325.  #325Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Omg my last Comment sounded weird about my dad lol but just commenting that I am attracted to basically the opposite of my dad omg akward !!!! Lol lol it’s ok Emerson



  326.  #326Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Emerson – I’ve been thinking about letting some friends set me up too – instead of doing the on-line thing that I am sooooo burned out on.

    Maybe I could just try being honest and tell my friends that I want to date, but noting serious right now – not to hook me up with some man who gets hurt easily or is likely to tell me he loves me on the 2nd date.

    I wonder why i don’t just try being more honest online. Too many creepy guys out there, I guess – If I say I’m not looking for anything serious because I;m not over my ex, I will scare away any good guys and attract the married men…

    This is why I have 5 dogs and 4 cats . . .



  327.  #327Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Emerson – LMAO!!!

    It’s ok . . . giggling ~



  328.  #328Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Siren Angel – im sure you do! so sorry again

    it wasnt coming across to me when reading about the 11 year old and his behavior… im sure there’s love there but acceptance and understanding?

    also if you become a family i wonder the parenting will be handled ?

    i feel unsure that splitting it will feel good for anyone…

    looking away feels scary to me…



  329.  #329bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Siren Angel,

    i hear you when you’re saying “I leave the parenting of his kids to him but I do say when I feel something.” but i just feel a little confused… because to me the “engagement” ring means that he wants a Family with you…. so i wouldn’t want so many “his kids” “my kid” distinctions, just the feeling of everyone loved & accepted… what do you think?

    & also, i feel you on the “rowdy” kid… where you’re just Sure they’re about to Cause Chaos & “hurt someone” ick ack scary i feel scared about that…

    hmmmm…. but i also Love the “rowdy” kids & they have so much fantastic energy & it sounds like this kid has a lot of words & cogs in his brain turning turning, trying to process & adjust…

    ((((siren angel))))

    i was a “shy kid” & always felt like other people “should” take care of me because i’m shy & sensitive…. but i’m recently understanding that i feel better when i don’t expect or need or want anyone to “help” me “feel cool” : ) or whatever the good feelings are that i want to feel in relationship with other people : ) but ! at the same time, yes, i love to feel gentleness & sweetness & arms reaching in toward me, rather than that grasping aching turned-in folded-up ouch feeling… : )



  330.  #330Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Daria – Thinking about your comment – I’m realizing, I actually do not do a good job of keeping the CD thing on the right level. If I’m just CD’ing with some guy I meet randomly and practicing my FM’s and being flirty, I’m ok.

    BUT – When i actually go on a date with a guy, I am looking at him like I am trying to decide if he could be The One. Actually – I’m looking at him coming up with my internal list of reasons why he can’t be The One . . . Yikes – I need to work on this.

    Thank you for that insight!



  331.  #331Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 11:08 am

    I don’t want to get in the middle but I can understand Siren Angels primal need and instinct to protect her child from a potentially dangerous situation. I feel judgmental but the father of the 11 year old sounds like he is in denial of his kid’s behavior issues. Kids need discipline and their brains are not developed enough yet to handle complex emotional situations so he may need a lot of guidance but dad does not seem tuned into that….
    ((11 year old))
    ((siren angel))



  332.  #332Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

    LG 293 & 295, Yes, thank you. I will tend to my vibe, it’s really shifty now. I feel like letting go at moments and let it be over with and other times I feel clingy. Need to take care of me today. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement.



  333.  #333ALA on August 17, 2012 at 11:11 am

    … just sitting back, learning so much from everyone. Noticing I do this IRL, with my family everyone is talking at the same time, interrupting each other. I’m so comfortable in the background… being shy. Speaking up here is good practice for me. I want to be included in the conversations!

    … but I have an unexpected day off. I want to be near some water on this 94 degree day.

    Happy Friday, Sirens!



  334.  #334Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Calypso – i do the same… i feel confused about it…

    when do i say no to what odesnt work for me and

    when am i open for practice?

    oh yeah if he asks me out again i just say yeah

    and i say how i feel when i feel triggered by the ‘issue’ i found

    and maybe he won’t ask me again lol



  335.  #335MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I find FM’s so difficult if I view the problem as someone elses issue. They always came out as blame and anger. I don’t know where my clarity came from, but I found it recently. It looked like this…

    We were having a talk. I just let him talk and talk and just said “ok” “ok” “ok” over and over and then when I knew he was done I said something like “I feel very overloaded right now. I feel really weighed down by all this, I don’t want to be kicked out of a place that feels like home (he had been kicking me out when he wanted alone time) and I don’t want to feel afraid to tell the man i’m with that I miss him.” (he had told me he felt smothered.) He said “oh…Well of course I want to know if you miss me!” Shift. I rode the wave…”I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel like a burden.”…”oh, babes you aren’t a burden!! I just want you to understand I need G time”. shift shift. Kept riding it…”I do understand! That’s not the problem. The problem is it’s always on someone elses terms. I never get the chance to take my own alone time. It feels like I am just here when i’m needed and tossed out when i’m not. My alone time is clouded and overwhelmed by negative feelings. It feels so frustrating I am losing power and control over MY own life!”. Tears…deep breath. Let him talk “Oh baby I am sorry. I didn’t think of it that way. How can we make it so you don’t feel this way?” “Can you just let me go home on my own time? When I want to go home…”. “Of course, but i’m afraid it won’t be enough…I sometimes feel overwhelmed too.” Look him in the eyes..”Oh don’t worry it’ll be enough!!” He laughed out loud! “I see…” Classic G words…. Kisses. More classic G words “ok lets move on and have a good time.”

    Then when I started to go home on my own time he started this routine of asking me to change it. I was doing that for him.

    Queue my entry to this blog!!!

    I didn’t discuss it with him again…I just started saying “I don’t want to change it. I want to go home ____ but I am free ____ you are welcome to come over.”

    He hasn’t come over yet, but the shift has been great! He expresses missing me instead of me feeling missing him. He has been super attentive lately (as you all know from my gushing words of man praise lol). He’s like a bit of a puppy dog lately. I even said the other day “i’ve got you wrapped around my little pinky!” 😀 And he said “oh I don’t think so” tackled me on the bed and tickled me to death! Then abruptly stopped and said “yeah. You know who has the power.”

    It’s hard to think that this was the problem that rooted most of our fights over the last year or so. I was really struggling with how to get out what I was feeling because things would be great great great and then BAM explosion time! The first one rocked me to my core! It was so hard to form feeling msgs around HIS issue of needing alone time. I always ended up blaming because he would be exploding his anger at me and I would be packing my stuff and yelling “I’m not safe! I don’t trust you!” crying. “Why are you so MAD at me? What did I do to deserve this?” Thinking “how could this man ask me to move in with him and so soon after start this BS.”. I couldn’t take the “this is MY house attitude”.

    Epiphany…Was he frustrated and angry because I declined moving in? Interesting thought…

    Anyways…always he stood behind me regardless and initiated talks after fights and encouraged me to tell him what I felt. Listened. Apologized for his anger. Expressed what he needed and why he had that pattern. He is always calm around my own issues. Finally I feel calm around his.



  336.  #336Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Hi ALA sounds nice enjoy your day!!

    I’m starting my day finally and off to us my boy energy and get errands done!



  337.  #337Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Emerson 313, Yes, he did get seriously mad at the 11 yr old when he jumped on the sofa on the 5 yr old’s head who got hurt. We were going to a fair that day and he said he would leave the 11 yr old at the grand-parents instead because he could have seriously hurt his sister. I felt he finaly could see the danger, which feels scary to me. But when I came back with my kiddie from my place later that day (with McDonalds for all the kids before going to the fair) he had changed his mind and the 11 yr old came along. I said nothing, which is fine. but he is unable to discipline his kids and when he does he feels guilty and rewards them later with a special treat.

    Believe me, I have been in the opposite scenario when I had my little one, my oldest was 12 at the time and my ex was very critical. It ruined the relationship. I know this is a no-no, but I see danger and I feel scared… I don’t know how to explain it really. He also changes the ideas in the little one’s heads about things I have said. For example, on vacation we had to take several ferrys and on one ferry M’s 7 yr old was climbling the ledge when M was in the washroom with his 5 yr old. They later told M the incident of me telling him to come down in very different terms, like I was ordering them to sit on a bench (I took my 7 yr old to the bench and sat accross from them so I could watch should he climb again). They said I was cross and that I told them ‘that they were putting ideas in MY 7 yr olds head’ which I did not say… Now this must come from the 11yr old because I dont think the 7 yr old could come up with that. When we discussed it later, the 5 yr old said ‘that’s what I heard too! You said that!’ however she wasnt even there as she was in the washroom with M! Not sure how i should feel about that, I just feel so sad.



  338.  #338Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Siren Angel: another thing I was thinking is right now it seems like the negatives of your relationship are in the forefront. Maybe taking some time to remember the positives. I mean, he just gave you a ring recently, so things must have been feeling good pretty recently.

    Maybe also checking in with yourself to see what YOU want. Do you see a possibility for the two of you to come together on this topic of parenting? Do you think you will ever be able to surrender or trust him in that arena?



  339.  #339Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

    ((sIren angel))



  340.  #340Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Daria at 328, Thank you for that.

    I feel unsure too that splitting will be any good for any of us. We allready tried that and when we came back together we were ALL really happy.



  341.  #341Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:25 am

    (((Siren Angel)))

    ouch 🙁

    that feels awful

    hmmm

    i feel curious how this will be solved

    it seems – from my perspective – that the issues come from the splitting of my kids his kids from both of you…



  342.  #342Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

    yeah i wonder about negotiating on parenting and coming to agreements on your own? to treat all the kids together as a family?

    with clear principles to follow ?

    that might feel fun!



  343.  #343Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Siren Angel I am with Daria. Parenting styles are best matched or be of similar values when blending families. I believe it is one of the important things to be discussed very early on. The my kid/his kid thing is one of the innocuous things that disconnect relationships. I hear Rori clearly in an Interview with CCarter talking about “my daughter” and saying “see I have to consciously stop myself” from doing that. Though you say you love his kids when you write it suggests there is a constant need to protect your child from the others. I encourage you to read back your comments and really sink in and ask yourself what you are truly feeling about the dynamics with the kids. Though you might love them that is not fully reflected in your recounting of your experiences around them. I suspect M might have the same impression, wondering if you truly love.



  344.  #344Jessie1000 on August 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I have a comment about the not going somewhere unless a guy likes u enough to pay.

    In my experience going on a date that is likely a friendship date and expecting him to pay is mean especially when a girl is trying to make a guy become a boyfriend when he doesnt really want to.

    So shes kind of saying…I want to do something with u …ur my friend and now i expect u to fall in love with me, pay for me and prob. call me again because Ive tricked u into a date.

    He might be a gentleman and pay for u too but i feel thats using him too…guys have feelings too….

    This blog is fantastic but sometimes if it was ur brother and he asked a nice girl out to a bar …u girls know damn well if he is wanting u or hes just a friend.

    Then you will be mad at him if he doesnt call again or Poofs and doesnt want to be put through that again when possible he enjoyed ur company and thought going somewhere with u would be fun.

    Sounds like alot of manipulation.

    Dont use men for money. Easy to fix. Ask them if its a date or if they like u ….u know the vibes and dont expect men to shell out money just because u have boobs and he doesnt.

    Kisses everyone….thats my little rant for the day



  345.  #345Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Siren angel I am pretty sure he senses this “he is unable to discipline his kids” criticism from you, though you might not be saying it.



  346.  #346Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

    Daria at 328,

    Looking away does feel scary, but as there are several of these ‘danger’ incidents or situations a day, I have no choice but to look away and let M notice most of the time, otherwise I would be constantly nagging… of course, I would jump up and intervene if one was in a very serious situation of danger.



  347.  #347Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Jessie – i strongly disagree. I now encourage my brothers to treat all women they take out and stay away from women chasing them

    (this is different from my advice in the past)

    I tell them it’s practice for them to grow as men and learn how to relate and treat a woman on a romantic level

    i believe the growth in their self esteem and masculinity is worth more than the price of paying for an outing



  348.  #348Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Siren Angel I believe kids are very sensitive and smart. They will pick up on tension or differences between you two. Also parental separation is very difficult for kids. I am wondering if you have tried having a heart to heart with the 11 year old let them know you are not looking to replace mom or take daddy away from them. Letting them know you understand that they want to be loved and just that they will have a bigger bucket of love in the family with love coming from both you and M toward them.



  349.  #349Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

    “when a girl is trying to make a guy become a boyfriend when he doesnt really want to.”

    i strongly encourage my brothers to stay away and be very careful accepting the gifts and time of such women, as they can turn into long unfulfilling relationships that may stunt their growth of the ability they need to go after what they want



  350.  #350Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Sirens, I feel awful now. Maybe I am totally wrong and have now ruined everything. Last time we came back together, we had agreed to treat them all with the same rules. However, on our 1st day of vacation his 11 yr old told me the hammer story and I got so scared he would hurt my son if he had the chance, as he wants his parents back together, therefore would probably want to split us up.
    I feel so totally spent. If he hadnt told me that story, I would probably have had a different reaction to all the danger situtations during the vacation.



  351.  #351Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

    FW, Whenever I try talking to his kids about things like that, M stops me. It’s like he doesnt trust me to say the right things and he is afraid it will make them feel some kind of pain. He is constantly ‘courting’ them in the sense that he wants them to be happy 100% of the time and we spent all our time doing activities for them. But these discussions are not on the menu!



  352.  #352Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

    “I want to do something with u …ur my friend and now i expect u to fall in love with me, pay for me and prob. call me again because Ive tricked u into a date.”

    if he is to fall in love it is a great gift to him to learn to relate to a woman using his masculine energy

    “He might be a gentleman and pay for u too but i feel thats using him too…guys have feelings too….”

    part of the practice is for guys to learn to handle their feelings and go into action and masculine energy… putting the feelings of woman first instead

    men who haven’t learned to not put their own feelings first – will have trouble creating healthy relationships with feminine women… women they will likely later desire to connect with

    they’re the kind of men who pout and whine about not getting sex is what comes to mind



  353.  #353Daria on August 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

    also if my son/brother was invited out by a woman who expected him to pay…

    i also respect his ability to say No (and it will help him develop that) while still being respectful and giving, and therefore managing his own budget

    rather than overpaying and then complaining about it (such a turn off on my dates)

    he can of course not accept such invitations next time, or use his masculine energy to talk to the girl and clarify what it means ahead of time and what he thinks should be done



  354.  #354Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

    You have not ruined anything Siren Angel. What is to be will be. It seems fear has been driving you a bit. This is what this is bringing up and maybe should be what you are addressing. The 11 year old obviously feels your fear and is feeding it. Coming from a position of awareness during your talk could help things.



  355.  #355Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Bloom-ing, Yes, I want the same for all the kids and I am constantly letting my son do things I would otherwise not let him do, to create a unity. Somehow, I feel I fail because my fear comes through in intense moments like 2 weeks vacation non stop with them about 2 hours away from the nearest hospital, I get really anxious.



  356.  #356Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

    ((((((((((((((Siren Angel)))))))))))))

    I understand. He might also be kinda worried about you “using” the kids to get him. It seems to me you now you need to find yourself, find your voice and stand by yourself without giving him harsh demands.



  357.  #357Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

    I feel moved reading all of these different perspectives re: SA’s situation. It feel like so many different points allows for a broad, expansive view.

    I’m envisioning the two of them coming together as a team, a united front working together fOr the health and safety of the family. With him taking the masculine role, perhaps leading and protecting and her taking the feminine role, feeling, responding, gently guiding and molding the overall vibe of the family with her, sort of, omnipresent mother energy. One that can communicate a multitude of information through just a look.

    I’m imagining her feminine loving energy touching and impacting all of the children.

    Mmmm, this feels yummy to me.



  358.  #358Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

    FW, Yes, I am fearful, especially 2 hours away from a hospital where we were, of those 2 nights on an island with no ferry between 9h00pm and 7h00am and no clinic on the island… I get anxious.
    However, if I explain this to M he will get angry that I think his son could harm mine on purpose or even subconsciously so. Not only can I not blame or criticize him in any way, I can’t do that with his kids either.



  359.  #359Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Siren Angel do you have memories of being badly hurt as a child? Or a sibling?

    Or maybe an experience where a parent might not have been there for you so you were hurt?



  360.  #360Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Laughing Goddess,

    That is precisely what I try to do. I have fun with them and shower them with love and attention. They hug me and tell me they love me. Yet, at the slightest thing they say i am ‘mean’. I think they use me to get even more of their dad…



  361.  #361Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 11:58 am

    FW, The only incident I can think of happened when I was much older, a teenager.

    I also mother my kids a lot, because my mother left for a couple of years when my parents separated, but we are now very close and have adressed the fear of abandonment a long time ago and this is not what this is about. This is more a fear of one of the kids getting hurt and also of the 11yr old getting hurt and the family being broken should he harm seriously another child.



  362.  #362Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    I guess this is all my fear and I ruined it all.



  363.  #363Tam on August 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Siren Angel, of course he will court his kids as he has guilt on his shoulders from the breakdown of his marriage and for the upheaval that has created, even if it may not be conscious for him.
    He will overcompensate, and whatever you say against that will sound like criticism to his ears. It is a very difficult situation, really.



  364.  #364Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I have also been on an emotional roller coaster getting my monthly time period several times this month and my GP ordered some tests just before us leaving on vacation. I feel an emotional turmoil inside.



  365.  #365Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Tam, thank you. I did ask if maybe there is some guilt a while ago, and he said absolutely not. I agree and my mother thinks the same. However it is totally unconscious to him.



  366.  #366Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    I meant I agree there is guilt on his part.



  367.  #367Tam on August 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Siren Angel – it takes two to tango, never forget that. Take your part of the blame but nobody, in my opinion can ‘ruin it all’.
    Hugs to you
    xxx
    If he is the right man it will work out. He may not be.
    Parenting styles are about values that are core values and if they are not shared, sometimes better to know sooner than later. This even causes conflict in relationships with no ‘patchwork’ family, with children the couple has together…



  368.  #368Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I also like what LG is saying and think it is the ideal situation. It is just that I get the impression of “losing yourself in the relationship”. Stepping over your fear by shoving it aside for the health of everyone else. I believe the fear need to be faced, felt and loved.



  369.  #369Tam on August 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    the guilt will be unconscious but most likely what drives the overcompensating towards the kids – and that is his right to do it, whether it is ‘good for them’ or not. I’ve seen this play out.



  370.  #370Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Yep on the guilt, but that is his issue. It seems SA’s issue is the huge fear. The 11 year old might be rowdy but it does not guarantee that he will physically hurt anyone. However, that child seems to feel SA’s fears and is using it.



  371.  #371sandy on August 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Aww, SA I bet that feels so frustrating to hear them call you mean after feeling such a strong connection with them.

    What about just not taking it personally? I mean that are just kids after all and kids often test their parents. That’s seems to be part of the process of growing up.

    It might be that them saying you are mean, is part of their process of learning to express themselves and their boundaries.

    What if you reassured them that you are not trying to be mean, that you just really care about all of them and want them to be safe. Maybe also reassuring them that you trust them and know that they would never hurt anyone intentionally.

    I wonder if it would be helpful to get underneath what they are feeling in the moment (as well as your own feelings, of course). Are they feeling scared in that moment, or unworthy?

    And of course, also looking at your own patterns of fear and worry. Obviously, it’s so natural for a mother to worry about her kids, but at some point, I know that I have to just surrender and trust because I can’t control everything and I drive myself crazy trying to do that.

    I’m just kinda brainstorming here, so I apologize if I am bringing up things that you are already doing.



  372.  #372Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Siren Angel – I wonder if the two of you could benefit from some counseling? It would be good for you to better understand your fears of his son hurting your child and for him to understand the issues he is having being the father of 3 small kids going through a divorce and dating a woman with a small child of her own. It’s a lot to cope with.

    Love will prevail ~



  373.  #373Tam on August 17, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    the bottom line is that the situation doesn’t feel good and the man will always take the sides of the kids, even the rowdy 11 year old, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. He will never ‘see’ her point of view – most likely. Well, I don’t know but that’s the situation I was in and don’t want to project it….when you don’t feel properly supported by your boyfriend all sorts of fears creep in and also an 11 year old kid (poor thing) gets a power that he should not have as it is a kid. He needs boundaries to feel good too, not being able to make the grown ups argue by winding them up.
    He’s probably the one who suffers most, hence the unruliness…of course he wants his parents back together – most normal thing in the world.



  374.  #374bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    siren angel, i feel curious if you ever try communicating your fears to the children as a group.

    i’m picturing the couch incident… assuming you “have time” to say something, you come across the kids, & you say, “hey y’all, i’m feeling terrified one of you is going to get hurt doing that & i really don’t want to have to deal with blood or tears right now. what do you think?” & that’s not “mad” or “mean” or even “controlling” or “punitive” – it’s Open & it’s Loving…

    i know i sometimes have felt tempted to “catch” & “punish” a kid…. but i feel better to share my boundaries – my One boundary with children is “no one gets hurt” & if anyone gets hurt, everyone is “in trouble” which looks like changing activities & hugging anyone who feels upset or if someone is really upset, giving them a few minutes to themselves (“enforcement” looks like “time-out” but sounds like “please take some time to yourself to get in a better feeling place where you can enjoy being around the rest of the family today”)



  375.  #375bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    oh i meant to say *in Feeling Messages* lol

    i mean, have you ever tried feeling messages to communicate in a non-blaming way, instead of “waiting” for your man to “discipline”

    what do you think?



  376.  #376MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Wow

    (((SA)))

    I can see and feel him undermining your authority as an adult and a parent. It seems as though he is doing it sub-consciously and passively. But like FW said children are very astute and intuitive and I can see (especially 11yo) playing into that and using it. IE 11yo putting words in your mouth that you didn’t say, and 5yo agreeing even though she wasn’t there.

    I wonder if this is where your fear stems from? Not having a strong voice…So when you think about 11yo’s potential to be rowdy and inadvertantly cause harm you have feelings of complete lack of control, inability to stop him, no ability to teach him right from wrong, his behavior is completely out of your hands and maybe that’s why you are so fearful. No power to protect the family from potentially harmful situations…



  377.  #377sandy on August 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    You didn’t ruin it all, SA.

    As you said, your hormones are going wild and that can really color our perceptions. I would do everything I could to nurture and soothe myself right now. You don’t have to figure it all out right at this moment.

    It doesn’t mean that you two are broken just because this is coming up. It’s just something that needs to be worked out. This parenting topic is huge, and as a siren said above, this happens in single(?) families as well as blended.



  378.  #378Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    ((((((((((((Emerson))))))))). I feel love for your stompy whiney girl



  379.  #379bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    i use a timer or clock to give them space so they know i’m not “Just” being “grumpy” – feels more “just” to me to have an “arbitrator” of the time-out……… & it gives them something to focus on – time passing… watching the tick tick tick tick tick tick calming like an even heartbeat



  380.  #380MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    …And at the same time his lack of showing you HE has power and control maybe leading to lack of trust in his ability to protect each individual of the family unit.

    I think he has got to show up and demonstrate his control as a parent and his support of your role as co-parent.



  381.  #381Tam on August 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    ..blooming, it is very interesting how men can get stuck on the ‘I am the best father possible under these unfortunate circumstances’ and go totally overboard.
    Feeling messages may be useful…in my case it was pretty funny in hindsight because the son even managed to get his mother into the house (the ex wife), when I was there….and as I said to the guy ‘oh that doesn’t feel good to me, I feel uncomfortable that she walks in and out’
    he said that I was exaggerating and ‘would get used to it’ and as it is the kids’ mother, he would do anything to make ger happy. ooops.
    After that sentence, I ran as fast as my little legs took me 😉
    but yes, feeling messages, should work…
    but let’s just say also that I do applaud men that are just looking to do the best possible thing for their kids even if it isn’t the best possible thing and even if it means leaving a new relationship behind.
    I do wish my father would have shown a little more concern for me…so there are always two sides:
    ((((((fathers trying their best)))))



  382.  #382Tam on August 17, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    totally totally totally agree with Miss Stix.



  383.  #383bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    also, surprisingly (to myself) i’ve found many children have a really good reaction (even if they’re screaming mad) to being asked, “would you like a hug?” in a fairly business-like voice. as though to say, “i hear you, kid. & there is Love abundant for you if you want”



  384.  #384sandy on August 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Haha!

    Sandy = LG

    I created an alter ego one time in order to practice the Squeaky Voice exercise, knowing that Rori would have to approve a new poster and would never allow it through.

    It felt sort of liberating to say things that I wouldn’t normally say. Cathartic, if you will. But also kind of empty afterwards. I felt kinda sad.



  385.  #385bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    tam, wow, that sounds like a bad-feeling situation & i feel happy you made the move away from that for yourself.

    actually, i feel a bit misunderstood – i was suggesting Feeling Messages directed towards the children as a group “in lieu of” “Discipline” – & rather than going “through” M or “blaming” one of the children

    what do you think?



  386.  #386sandy on August 17, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    anyways, I created an alter ego and sometimes it auto-fills in as my name. And I felt inspired to clear up any confusion. Going back to LG now.



  387.  #387Starla on August 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    sandy, i think i remember that! i think rori actually posted that she’s not going to let it through. and then it KILLED me with curiosity to know what sandy said.



  388.  #388Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Every time I get on POF and read a guys profile that says, “I hate head games, so if you are still hung up on your ex, please do not contact me!” . . . I feel a little sick, like I have a disease or something . . . like i am not worthy of talking to a man or going on a date because I fell in love with GM and he left me alone with those feelings and i can’t get rid of them. Like I have a STD . . .



  389.  #389Mel on August 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    (((Siren Angel)))

    I feel you here! I don’t have my own children, but Mr A does, and sometimes it feels so hard for me! But I’m learning and growing and expanding in my comfort zone. I have lots of experience working with kids, but this feels so different!

    Blooming says: “have you ever tried feeling messages to communicate in a non-blaming way, instead of “waiting” for your man to “discipline””

    I very much agree! The other day, the little girl was on the swingset outside being all gymnastic-y and she was freaking me out and I felt terrified she was going to break her neck.

    And I asked her to not do that and she said “it’s okay I’m allowed…” And I was like… “I know you really like swinging and climbing, and that feels super fun. And your dad cheers for you and makes sure you don’t fall… But I feel really afraid right now because I don’t want to see you hurt… and I feel like if you did fall, I would want to try to catch you, but I don’t feel strong enough…because I’m small, so I don’t know if I could… and then I would feel so sad and blame myself.” And she said, “It’s okay, we can play something else!”

    But there have been other things that I felt like I did not “agree” with, and when I checked inside myself, I discovered that it’s just different… and all good and I’ve been able to open myself up a little more.

    It’s a big adjustment!

    And a couple times, I’ve felt it helpful to say to him: “This feels really new to me, and sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed. And like I don’t “belong.” I want to feel “at home” and included, but I respect that my role in the family is different than yours. Can you help me with this?”

    And many times he didn’t even realize that something might feel “weird” or concerning, since he’s been a parent for so long now…

    Communication is my friend.



  390.  #390sandy on August 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Haha! Starla!

    I feel amused



  391.  #391sandy on August 17, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    geez, it keeps auto-filling on this one computer. I’m gonna have to reset my cookies or something.



  392.  #392Starla on August 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Calypso,
    Personally, I don’t give any guy that says in his profile anything negative like, “don’t contact me if [insert negative disqualifier here].”

    It just feels so yucky to me.

    Like, I have a beautiful body, but if a man says “don’t contact me if you’re fat,” I’m like “ehhhhh no thanks.”

    He could be polite and adult like and just ascertain through photos/first meeting if she is his type.

    I feel so turned off by men who lead with negativity.



  393.  #393Daria on August 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Why time-out is just as damaging as spanking

    Posted on July 25, 2012

    by The Shepherdess: A Guide to Mothering without Control

    Even those of us who are against smacking will routinely use other discipline techniques to control and mould our children’s behaviour from a very early age. Below is a list of non-physical discipline measures in common use by mothers today that come highly recommended by ‘experts’, and a description of what is really going on psychologically for the child.

    Time-out – Removing a child from a situation for inappropriate behaviour for a set number of minutes. Often an apology is required before the time-out can end.
    When our children behave ‘badly’ they are either reaching out in some way, they simply haven’t learnt yet that certain behaviour isn’t ok, or they need reminding. However, rather than listening to them and looking behind (or beyond) the behaviour, this method excludes our child, shaming and ignoring them, and leading them to the conclusion that no-one wants to be with them in a moment when they really need loving support. Our children need to know that in their worst moments we are there for them.
    “For the frustrated and uncomfortable child, time-out offers enforced silence and the feeling of being rejected by one’s parents. A youngster who misbehaves and then is given time-out feels hurt. This hurt, combined with the frustration that caused the youngster to misbehave, gives birth to anger. And discipline practices like time-out, which create hurt and anger, can harm a child.” Peter Haiman, Ph.D, (The Case Against Time-Out, Mothering Magazine, 1998).

    Grounding – Prohibiting a child from attending a particular social event or from engaging in particular activities. This technique may also incorporate particular tasks or chores which must be carried out instead and are designed to teach children appropriate behaviour.
    Again, it doesn’t look behind the behaviour or address it in any way. All this will encourage is sneakiness and lying to ensure they don’t get caught and there is no lesson learnt. We won’t know our authentic child, just the parts they want us to see.

    Taking Away Privileges – Prohibiting a child from taking advantage of certain privileges (usually those that they have earlier abused with inappropriate behaviour). Privileges are usually restored when a child can prove, through his/her behaviour, that (s)he understands and appreciates them.
    Same deal as grounding; our child doesn’t learn to appreciate the effect of the ‘bad’ behaviour this way. They aren’t intrinsically motivated to behave appropriately, they are doing it to ensure they don’t get punished. Therefore, even if their behaviour improves in our company will it when we aren’t together? What would be their motivation for behaving well?

    Ignoring Bad Behaviour, Rewarding Good Behaviour – This is where any bad behaviour is ignored and good behaviour receives praise and rewards. The theory being that children thrive on attention of any sort, even negative attention, so they may be behaving badly to get a reaction.
    So despite our child’s desperate attempts to communicate with us with the tools they have, rather than respond to their emotions, we ignore them. When our child finally gives up trying to reach out, we reward them. This only teaches our children that it’s best to bury their emotions in front of us, because we don’t want to listen.

    Punishments –This is where the child is made to do a chore or something else they dislike as punishment for the bad behaviour.
    If you view your child as someone who is still learning and figuring out the world, as someone who requires regular guidance and feedback and who deserves respect, then punishment for making a mistake makes no sense at all. They also will only learn to act a certain way for fear of getting caught, rather than being intrinsically motivated to do so, and often will behave very differently when adults are not present.

    Overall, all these methods – both physical and non-physical – encourage us to exert control over our child’s will. This only leads them to behave in certain ways for fear of our reaction, rather than from a choice they made themselves because it made sense. Fear creates a disconnection between us and our child as they begin to hide their true selves from us. Letting go of control moves us closer towards a loving, respectful connection with our child and develops their sense of self.”

    http://asktheshepherdess.com/2012/07/25/why-time-out-is-just-as-damaging-as-spanking/



  394.  #394Starla on August 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    no to say that fat does not = beautiful body

    sorry for my foot in mouth comment, ladies.

    i just mean, i have the kind of body they’re hoping to get in a woman, but if they say in their profiles “don’t contact me if you’re fat” or something like that, then i don’t go anywhere near them.



  395.  #395Calypso on August 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Starla – You are right! I do the same thing – even if the disqualifier does not apply to me. But I feel triggered by that “Hung up on your ex” thing. I have male friends who have actually told me that I have “no business” dating right now because i am not over GM. WTF . . . bite me ~



  396.  #396bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    daria,

    thanks for sharing that.

    i feel a bit like “explaining” that… i don’t “recommend” “time-out” — it’s the opposite almost.

    i “allow” a specified time for the child to be alone somewhere safe & quiet so that they can re-group & cry it out & whatever else…

    i don’t want to “shame” or “punish” — but i do want to allow me-time for small humans…

    & i have heard the most amazing things from children. like ASKING, “i’d like to go sit on my brown chair for 4 minutes” or saying, “i’m not mad at you for making me clean up, i’m mad at myself for taking out too many toys & now i don’t have time to play with them all”…..

    anywayz… just sharing : )



  397.  #397Starla on August 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Interestingly, I was a very good kid. I never did drugs, I never drank, I never smoked, I never fooled around with boys… it was never fear of punishment that stopped me from doing those things. It was my mother talking to me like an autonomous being about them and even expressing that she would have a huge fit and lose her cool if she caught me doing those things. She never threatened punishment or anything like that.. just that she realllly would not be okay with it. And that was enough for me to decide for myself. Even after she disappeared, I still made the decision to avoid those behaviors. It was a choice.

    On the other hand, the thing that my mom did punish me for/threaten punishment, were frivolous and largely power struggles, and the punishments did NOT deter me.

    I’m just processing and not trying to influence anyone’s parenting style. I seriously spent several months on end grounded for basically nothing, and was subject to a lot of bizarre abuse, so there’s no comparison.

    It’s interesting to see how coercion was never required to keep me ‘in line’, though.

    awww i was a good kid

    and i think i can blame myself a little less now for being abandoned by my parents.



  398.  #398Daria on August 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Alternatives to Punishment
    Many parents become frightened by the idea of no rules or discipline. We feel that when faced with bad behaviour from our child we will be at a loss. However, this isn’t the case. There are plenty of respectful alternatives to punishment.
    We feel we have to punish bad behaviour to ensure it doesn’t happen again. If we don’t how will our children ever learn? However, much like beauty, bad behaviour is seen through the eye of the beholder. If you hold the ‘finding the yes’ principle in your mind, you will see that often a child’s behaviour isn’t ‘bad’ at all, they are just asking for something that they want or need the only way they know how.
    Look behind ‘bad’ behaviour and assume positive intent.
    How many of us are told to ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour. However, doing this means we may miss out on an opportunity to listen to what our child is trying to communicate. If we see a tantrum as ‘naughtiness’, then ignoring or punishing our child will make sense. If we see it as a loud emotion that our child is trying to communicate to us the only way they know how, then ignoring or punishing doesn’t make sense. All it does is encourage our children to stop trying to communicate their needs to us because they feel we aren’t listening.
    Also, what constitutes ‘bad’ or ‘good’ behaviour is very subjective. Looking deeper at the behaviour often makes us understand it more. Behaviour that appears ‘naughty’ or ‘destructive’, most often through a child’s eyes is just innocent exploration and a quest for further knowledge. Sometimes it is just their way of communicating an unmet need.
    That can be hard to grasp having been socialised into believing children are naturally manipulative, sneaky, lazy and greedy. However, if we see our children through a more positive lens, we find it easier to accept that our child is still learning and figuring out their way in the world.
    Imagine the world from your child’s point of view
    We often forget how it feels to be a child, thereby judging their actions and words through an adult lens. If we see the world from our child’s point of view it will help us understand their actions and remind us of who our child truly is, by understanding what they face in this world.
    Imagine how you appear and sound from your child’s point of view. Are you empathetic? Are you on their side? Are you respectful to them? Do you validate their feelings? Do you take them seriously? Are you someone who adds to their joy or hinders it? Are you a controller out to ruin their fun or are you someone who enriches their life?
    Many of us have been brought up with authoritarian parents, so it can feel like an impossible task to move from control to connection. Really looking at our children, smelling their hair, watching them play, talking to them about their interests and our own, all help us to be able to put ourselves in their shoes more, and remember how it felt to be a child. Don’t rush in, but go moment to moment, gradually and gently, and go easy on yourself. Try a little and watch. If it helped bring you closer to your child in that day, hour, minute then do a bit more.
    Identify and respond to needs
    Children don’t always communicate with words, it is often with actions. If they are getting fidgety and grumpy it may be that they need to get outside, or jump around. They may need quiet time or time alone or a hot bath. Being progressive gives you the opportunity to get to really know your child’s unique needs and emotions, and respond accordingly.
    Give information and reasons and find acceptable alternatives
    If your child wants to colour on walls, then an alternative to reprimand is to explain that this would damage the house, explore why they want to colour on the walls, then suggest an acceptable alternative. We may find out that they like standing up to draw or they like drawing big pictures and paper is too small. They may be just as happy to do chalk drawings in the yard, draw on the garage wall, or in the kitchen on a large piece of butcher’s paper. Showing them you are always on their side, trying to find ways for them to get to do what they want, will strengthen their self-esteem and set you up as partners rather than adversaries.
    Model how you want them to behave
    We need to treat our child with the respect, courtesy and kindness we would like to see in return. How often have you seen mothers demand manners from their child that they don’t use themselves? How often have you heard mothers behave in ways they would reprimand their child for? Children are always learning. Progressive mothering means allowing them to develop their skills in their own time and in their own way; modelling the behaviour that you would like to see in your children.
    ‘No’ is an acceptable answer
    If ‘no’ is an acceptable answer for adults, then why are children told not to say ‘no’? Making ‘no’ an acceptable answer for our children shows them how much we respect them. Conventional mothering tells us it is rude and disrespectful for a child to say ‘no’ to a request from a mother, or any adult for that matter. However, isn’t it more disrespectful of adults to not accept a ‘no’ just because they are a child? The more we accept ‘no’ as an acceptable answer, the more likely our child is to say ‘yes’ intrinsically rather than out of fear, duty or compliance.
    Apologies
    Apologies are immensely healing and cleansing. We are socialised into believing we should never apologise to our child as that shows weakness or a lack of authority and our child won’t trust us anymore. The opposite is true.
    If we apologise to our children, we show them we are human and capable of making and owning up to our mistakes. This is a very important lesson for children to learn.
    Drop expectations and value-judgements
    We need to start seeing our child as the unique human being that they are – not an age, or a gender, or a label, but a person. Children can have intense feelings and needs and some are loud, curious, messy, wilful, impatient, demanding, creative, shy, confident and full of energy. We must try not to judge their interests, passions or personalities. If we don’t expect them to be doing certain things, in a certain way, on a certain schedule, we can begin to accept them as they are at that moment.
    Be their hero
    So often I hear mothers saying negative things about their children – sometimes right in front of them. How often do you hear mothers throwing around comments like, ‘Oh, I can’t wait until the holidays are over’, or ‘They are driving me nuts’, or ‘They are so lazy/stupid/rude/’ or even ‘I love him but I don’t like him’. We shouldn’t get drawn into verbal kid-bashing, either in their presence or not. When we consider how we would feel if someone we loved was talking that way about us, it can make you see how painful this is for a child.
    Saying nice things about our children and standing up for them to others will make our child feel truly respected, loved and protected.
    Staying on path
    To stick with progressive parenting, most of us need to re-orientate ourselves regularly.Our mainstream culture inundates us with so many messages about raising children that undermine our instincts and our desires to respond compassionately to our children’s needs. These are all around us and very hard to ignore and when we are struggling it is particularly hard to stay on our chosen path.
    Many of us secretly imagine that other mothers are much more patient than us and come up with wonderful and innovative solutions to problems – Super-Mamas. We all know the type – earth-mothers, patient to a fault, creative, innovative; they never lose their cool. The truth is she doesn’t exist, yet we feel so lacking when we don’t measure up to our imaginary nemeses. Fortunately, progressive mothering is not a club with a membership that we can be thrown out of. We can’t be disbarred or ‘fired’ because we completely lost it. It is an intensely personal commitment and it certainly isn’t all-or-nothing.
    Progressive parenting is best done gradually – try a little, watch, wait, try a little more. This will help you to move slowly toward becoming your child’s partner rather than their adversary, and you will gain more than you ever imagined possible.

    http://asktheshepherdess.com/alternatives-to-punishment/



  399.  #399Daria on August 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    “’m mad at myself for taking out too many toys ”
    uhoh not good i’d feel sad and worried

    (((child beating up on self)))

    triggered i dont want to talk



  400.  #400Daria on August 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    “i use a timer or clock to give them space so they know i’m not “Just” being “grumpy” – feels more “just” to me to have an “arbitrator” of the time-out……… & it gives them something to focus on – time passing… watching the tick tick tick tick tick tick calming like an even heartbeat”

    confused how does this ‘so they know im not just being grumpy/feels more just’ ties in with Voluntary time to themself

    ok really i feel quiet and observig and … too triggered… discussing i just feel glad and blessed for my own discoveries



  401.  #401bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    “awww that’s ok ! i hear you, those legos are so much fun, i like to take all the pieces out & play too… can i help you put them away & then we can pick a book to read before bedtime?”

    late-night tantrum avoided : )



  402.  #402MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Thanks Tam!

    I’ve never experienced that exact situaton so I don’t know how accurate I am.

    Ex husband did have a daughter but she lived very far away in the US (us in Canada) so discipline had nothing to do with us.



  403.  #403bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    “i hear you, & right now, you’re so upset that i can barely tell what you’re feeling or what you need… i’m going to set this timer for 4 minutes, since you’re 4 years old, & you can take it & sit (in a slightly separated / more private area with no distractions) & when it goes off, then why don’t you come back & join us in the kitchen. your sister & i are going to make some pictures & when you come back you can draw, or paint, or use your new clay… what do you think?”



  404.  #404bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    ick i don’t want to “push” “my way” onto someone else, though. just sharing what feels good to me.

    also, i’m not a parent, so i tend to consider all children “my friends” ….. & i don’t want to pretend i know what it feels like to be a mother 24/7 : )



  405.  #405MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Very interesting stuff on parenting.

    I know from my work in childcare that children respond very well to calm explanations of expectations and reasons why certain actions aren’t appropriate. They really are much more astute than we give them credit for.

    In class we were tought this as a “I hear you and now you hear me” method.



  406.  #406MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Now I see bloom-ing doing it naturally in the above post! 🙂



  407.  #407Femininewoman on August 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    My grateful heart is a magnet that attracts more of everything I desire.



  408.  #408bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    daria, i’m sorry. i don’t want to “argue” with you or “debate” – particularly when you asked to not engage about it



  409.  #409Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Bloom-ing and Sirens, If I said anything remotely similar to what Bloom-ing wrote in 403 to these kids, they would look at me with googly eyes and run to their father to complain that I am mean with them.

    I do not feel anyone here understands, THESE KIDS DO WHAT THEY PLEASE, and the first answer to another suggestion is usually ‘no’ or ‘you’r not the boss of me’



  410.  #410bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    mmm “my grateful heart is a magnet that attracts more of everything i desire” Yes ! YUM thank you



  411.  #411MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Although a time-out may not be necessary…Just confirmation from the child that they understand what you are telling them.

    The closest thing we were taught to use was this….

    “billy, i can see you are very upset right now. I am going to leave you alone until you feel more calm so we can talk.”

    works on all ages, even 2yo’s.



  412.  #412Daria on August 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    lost in translation lol 🙂 made me smile and laugh

    ‘hi angel am so glad to see a very beautiful lady with such sexy and romantic eye balls, rili wish to know more about u, u can send me ur number or yahoo id so we can talk better aii honey’



  413.  #413MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    SA

    Did you read my posts 376 and 380?

    I feel you!



  414.  #414bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    siren angel,

    i’m feeling soft & baby-ish already right now & reading your comment: “Bloom-ing and Sirens, If I said anything remotely similar to what Bloom-ing wrote in 403 to these kids, they would look at me with googly eyes and run to their father to complain that I am mean with them. / I do not feel anyone here understands, THESE KIDS DO WHAT THEY PLEASE, and the first answer to another suggestion is usually ‘no’ or ‘you’r not the boss of me’ ”

    maybe it’s just because it’s “addressed” to me… but i do feel “in trouble” & ….. as though you, Siren Angel, are “in a rush” – are “making a point” – i feel hurried & dismissed & “controlled”…. i feel dirty & wrong for you already knowing i will complain about you, already knowing i will run to M & make your life “hxll”…. & the “no one understands” YELLING !!! feels so ick-y to me

    i’m sorry for sharing all this so BLAH like that but i feel shamed & like running away & i just want to share that with you, because i feel your vibe like “leaning in” “controlling” “blocking the sunlight” & it feels bad to me…. (((siren angel))) i feel horrible & guilty for sharing that….



  415.  #415Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    383 blooming I like this comment!!

    There are many opinions about child rearing being expressed here and I feel we are all allowed our opinions. There is not one certain concrete right way more than another although I feel that not all people are as open.

    I helped raise my stepdaughter and her mom was 3000 miles away so yes I’ve been a mom. And it’s not easy to always know the right thing to do. You want your kid to have freedom to learn and grow, but is hard to let go because you hope they make good choices cuz you don’t want them to die!!!



  416.  #416MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    NOTHING will work without complete and absolute back up for you from him.



  417.  #417Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Sandy,

    “What if you reassured them that you are not trying to be mean, that you just really care about all of them and want them to be safe. Maybe also reassuring them that you trust them and know that they would never hurt anyone intentionally.” I DID EXACTLY THAT!
    And to all Sirens, I do talk to them in FMs, and now they talk in FMs to their dad 🙁 The little one saying the other day ‘she feels really hurt in her heart’!!!
    The thing is, when I told them I dont want them to hurt themselves because that would feel bad, they hug me, but M remembers the situation just before and also says he doesnt want me to have these conversations with them.



  418.  #418Laughing Goddess on August 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    SA:

    Awww, I bet it feels overwhelming to hear all of these opinions right now. Especially when you have the “talk” tonight on your mind.

    Ultimately, you know what is best.

    I feel moved though that so many sirens want to help you.

    I encourage you to just take care of you right now.

    (((SA)))



  419.  #419bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    daria, your romantic eye balls make me melt every time! LOL yummy that is smile-y : ) (((daria)))



  420.  #420Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I used to worry about her a lot and cry….her dad was too strict and I was not her “real” mom so I had limited input. It was so hard…This was with toxicex by the way



  421.  #421Daria on August 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    THESE KIDS DO WHAT THEY PLEASE

    wonderful!

    “i hear you, & right now, you’re so upset that i can barely tell what you’re feeling or what you need… i’m going to set this timer for 4 minutes, since you’re 4 years old, & you can take it & sit (in a slightly separated / more private area with no distractions) & when it goes off, then why don’t you come back & join us in the kitchen. your sister & i are going to make some pictures & when you come back you can draw, or paint, or use your new clay… what do you think?”

    um no i don’t want to do that!

    ugh feels gross mechanical lonely awful

    ((((humans))))

    i have a belief that the children of the people controlling their children will grow up traumatized and somehow KILL MY children

    that doesnt quite make sense

    feel glad i wrote that

    yay NON control parenting thank you Goddess for blessing me resources you know i’ve been wondering about this ever since i swore to myself i WASNT going to treat my kids this way when i was small and feeling alone

    even tho later i said yes i WILL beat them cuz beating felt powerful and haha i can beat them

    and i feel glad i’ve been blessed

    you really look out for me Goddess

    now i want to feel more powerful – thak you for the practice on the blog –

    i want to share in open ways

    i ahvent had success sharing from a triggered place

    (((me)))

    everything is healing

    this is a sign im healing and im more open about what i want in my life yes!



  422.  #422Daria on August 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    thanks blooming

    ((((blooming))))

    sorry for arguing 🙁

    no directed to u k? i love blooming



  423.  #423Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    MissStix,

    Yes I read just now, and I told him it would feel so much better to have unity, because right now I don’t feel I have his support.
    The thing is, he always responds well to FMs but not in this case.



  424.  #424Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    412 that’s cute Daria !



  425.  #425bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    (((((((Siren Angel)))))))



  426.  #426Tam on August 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    416 – again Miss Stix, that’s the truth. If he doesn’t help her feel comfortable, the kids will realise and kind of play up just because ‘they can’.
    It’s normal kid behaviour, we’d have done the same.

    Blooming – aaah, ok, yes now I understand. Feeling messages for the kids!! Yes, great idea. If anything that would be the most likely thing to help here.
    In my case the kid never spoke to me so that kind of made it difficult 😉
    but in this case, especially as they are on vacations together, it might be the way forward.

    But again I think the key is in the adult relationship. That needs to be rock-solid in order to work with kids from previous marriages….supporting each other. Seems that is lacking here.



  427.  #427Starla on August 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    It feels good to see hugs sent to Siren Angel:):)
    I want to hug SA too:)
    (((((((((((((SA))))))))))))))))))

    sorry you have to deal with this tonight. it could really end up bringing you guys closer. it’s not something that can just go under the rug. you could even tell him it feels good to know you’re going to talk about it together and deal with it:)



  428.  #428Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    On another topic, I e been brave reaching out to network with people who can help me reach my goals… Not family but friends and colleagues…. I’ve used feeling messages with good results.

    Lately i am feeling sexy and ready for a man’s attention which tells me I am in some major feminine energy right now. I keep thinking about textCD he DID turn me on when I used to see him in person at work… He would flirt with me a lit!!!! Now he works elsewhere



  429.  #429bloom-ing on August 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Siren Angel……………….
    ack i feel scared. i’m feeling shaky on my “talking” today & maybe “sharp” & “ragged” so i apologize in advance if i’m not speaking softly to you…. UM, hello : ) i’m feeling curious…… you mentioned the “promise” – as he felt an “engagement” was inappropriate…. i’m feeling a desire for clarity about…. well, to me, Marriage means, that’s your family. your partner becomes your Primary family. so i’m feeling curious if he’s “ready” to allow you to be “there” – in that role, in his Family. or maybe if You are ready ? slow-ness… slowness feels good to me… i’m not sure how that applies here, but maybe “because of” ? the ring ? there is an “Urgency” to Blend the Family – & that “hurry hurry” is kind of … pressure-izing the situation ? i don’t know ((((((HUGS))))))) to you.



  430.  #430Emerson on August 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    What should I do about the texting? Just not reply? I dunno I told him before I don’t want to so he called. But then he still made no solid plans



  431.  #431MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Urgh!!

    I really want to show support here but it’s hard when comments won’t show up!



  432.  #432MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    oh yay!

    Ok…

    SA

    That must feel so frustrating for you! Hugs for you. ((((SA))))



  433.  #433danke on August 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Rori,
    Thank you so much for the encouragement! I have been thinking all day about how much fun I have with him. He can always change his mind about this but I can’t if I want to be happy in a loving relationship. Hearing positive feedback makes it a little easier to stick to my guns.



  434.  #434Tam on August 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    433 – danke, I have taken inspiration from your resolve and speaking your truth, and I know how hard that is, so it seems to me you are really on the right path and the pains you are feeling are nothing but ‘growing pains’.



  435.  #435MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Siren Angel

    I know you are probably totally bogged down with loads of advice right now. But I have a tip that may be useful in this scenario where he isn’t responding to your FMs. Please stop reading now if you are too frustrated for advice.

    When you are stating your FMs referr to only “the man i’m with” or “the relationship I am in.” takes him completely out of your equation and places the oars firmly in his hands. You can also allow him to fully speak his own mind FIRST responding with simply “ok” to everything he says. Then when his diatribes are done focus only on how you feel without saying “you” at all.

    It might sound like this…

    “I feel so frustrated right now. I feel fear because I feel powerless. I feel like I have no voice. I don’t want to be afraid that the man I am with can’t support me. I don’t want to feel disconnected in a relationship.”

    Allow your turmoil to show in your face and body.

    (don’t hate me sirens) Leave out the “what do you think” or any prompting and simply and allow him to fill up the silence at the end of your statement. You want to trigger his desire to help you feel better. You already allowed him to speak what he thinks before you even started.

    If you want a more full example of this my comment #335 shows how I did this and G’s responses. But it’s a long one. So don’t read if you are feeling overwhelmed.

    <3



  436.  #436Mel on August 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Hey Danke,

    Welcome!

    I’ve actually been thinking of you all day…

    When I first started to CD, I met this super guy that I liked quite a bit. We got along really well and had a lot of fun together.

    But then one day he said:
    “I’m really not ready for this, You’re awesome, and I’m attracted to you, but I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship. You really know what you want out of life, and that has made me realize that I really do not know what I want. So it would be a disservice to you for me to continue seeing you romantically. You deserve to have what you want, and I can’t give that to you. But I really want to be friends. I really enjoy your company and don’t want to lose that.”

    I told him that I felt disappointed, but I understood. And that I do want a man that knows what he wants, and knows that he wants ME. I said that if he wanted to be friends, it would have to be a mutually beneficial relationship. I believe friends help each other and support each other in addition to just “hanging out” and if we were on the same page with that, I’d be happy to remain friends.

    He has actually been one of the most helpful friends to me. We still get together about once a month to “hang out” and he is always willing to help me if I need anything.

    He’s my biggest cheerleader through CD-ing too… He’s always saying “you’re the prize Mel…”

    He knew very well that I was an amazing siren, but was “man enough” to step down when he saw he could hurt me. It’s a quality man that does that, I think. I’m glad he did. He made room for better men who were ready! One man in particular… 😉



  437.  #437April Rose on August 17, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Hello you beautiful sirens.

    Thank you so much for my birthday greetings and hugs. That felt so warming and softening for me.

    I have had an unusual birthday in that I spent most of the day alone, walking in the fields and looking around quaint villages.

    Then I met up with my Grandma, aunties, uncles and cousins and we went to an Indian restaurant. I felt sad and desolate that they were all connecting with each other so intimately. I felt like an outsider sort of. Made me yearn for my own intimate partnership…

    No man in the picture today. I set it up like that on purpose. I spilled quite a few tears for WM, who took me to the steam railway for a super fun time three years ago.

    Today (after much reflection and tears) I realised that i want a man who can love a woman, who wants to love a woman, and who enjoys doing so.



  438.  #438April Rose on August 17, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    I let EM (Mr MurderFantasy) call me four times before I answered. I chatted to him lightly, feeling a background anxiety.
    Things are okay on the phone.
    My nervous feeling is about seeing him again.



  439.  #439Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Hi.



  440.  #440April Rose on August 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    I just saw that I must go against Rori’s advice!

    Shock!

    Yes, really.
    It looks to me that I am already way over-functioning on her advice (or have misunderstood it) –

    …..from what I have heard/read, Rori gives advice to date men who are not your usual type, and.. give a broader range of men a chance……

    I NEED TO DO THE OPPOSITE!!!!

    I see fantastic things in every man. I like them. I get interested easily. I get attached. Then I find icky things out, or suffer with incompatible matches.

    I need to really trim it down, early on. That’s they key for me. Find out early if he and I have the same values, and do not accept anything less than a man with the highest calibre of honour and respect for women (ALL women).



  441.  #441April Rose on August 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Radlove,
    Your birthday message was awesome.
    I felt surprised and delighted to receive that.
    I felt in a state of awe and wonder. I have no idea how to make those drawings. Thank you.



  442.  #442Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    April Rose,

    You’re welcome! Glad you liked it! Wish I could say that I created it, but I didn’t. I can bake a cake tho. 🙂

    I love you, bee-at(h!



  443.  #443Siren Angel on August 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    MissStix, using it right now at his place. Thank you



  444.  #444Miss Bells on August 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Question–What do you do when a man you have a thing with (not just a pal) says something that is just plain factually wrong?
    I am on the executive committee for the local Sierra Club. Last night I put on a new members forum. When I got home we talked about it a little.
    HS is a big proponent of trains.
    He is convinced that the Sierra Club is one of the groups BLOCKING our local train project, when really we are the ones who pushed it through.
    So–I have him dissing my group, and it’s not even valid. I changed the subject. Was that best, or should I have said something?



  445.  #445stargirl on August 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Lily Medusa

    In case you still want to estimate the price of your assertiveness program, I recommend contacting someone at Aspen Education Group. They do a lot of similar programs but more long-term. I bet someone there could give you a contact. http://www.aspeneducation.com/



  446.  #446Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Miss Bells,

    444 – “I see it differently…”



  447.  #447Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    All the Sirens go OUT on Friday and Saturday nights. I am home. I feel lonely. I wish I had a date. I feel resistant to dating. I want to date, but I don’t want to date.

    What I really want is for R to call me and invite me out.



  448.  #448FlowerChild77 on August 17, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    ((((Radlove)))) I know how you feel. I’m home alone, too. Just so you know you’re not the only Siren sitting home alone on Friday night <3



  449.  #449Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    ((((Siren Angel))))



  450.  #450Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I guess I made a mistake of offering him advice and now he is silent;( or maybe things are ok and he doesnt need to share.. so I am being ignored. Feeling angry a bit. But when he is in touch I feel so sorry about his situation that I’m ready to offer all the support I have.. even if my texts are not answered or remembered. I should change that!! I have to remember to be a siren, not a mommy;(



  451.  #451FlowerChild77 on August 17, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    (((((Siren Angel))))



  452.  #452Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    (((FlowerChild)))

    Thanks!



  453.  #453Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    It’s raining, thundering, and lightning. I’m glad I got my swim in before it started!



  454.  #454Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Radlove I’m at home too tonight. And feeling so tired, will probably fall asleep soon. See, some sirens are home on Friday night;)



  455.  #455Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I feel frustrated and not appreciated. Simply ignored



  456.  #456Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    (((Memulo))),

    I wish we lived closer and we could all go out for cheesecake! LOL!



  457.  #457Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Radlove,

    Thank you;) I know if I ate cheesecake I’d feel even worse lol



  458.  #458Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    It’s too bad I’m not in love with K, and that he does things and says things that turn me off. Because in so many ways, he is the kind of man Rori says we want. I am the air he breathes, and he is totally devoted to me.

    But there are short comings. Major things that are deal breakers. Bummer. It sure would feel great to not have to date anymore.



  459.  #459Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Memulo,

    Sorry to hear that. Life is tuff sometimes.



  460.  #460Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    K just wrote this to me in a letter I got today:

    “I really do miss you incredibly much today and I feel lonely for you. You are all I got and all I honestly care about. Over the years, you are the only one besides the boys who cares about me and just plain cared about my well being. One of the many reasons I adore you and I am very happy in this love I have for you.

    Loving you in such a way that I’d be so happy for you if you fell in love with a man who’d return that same love and I live for you to be happy, safe, and well. I never dreamt one could love like this and being so happy to just love as I do, even if same type of love is not returned. For real, I would not ever want it any other way because I exist in the spirit, nature, mindset of true love, where selfishness does not exist. I love you, B!



  461.  #461MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    You are in my mind and heart siren angel!



  462.  #462ALA on August 17, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    I’m home on a Friday night too!

    After all the gushing I said on the blog this morning… I caught D flirting with another woman online today. I wrote him telling how confused, jealous and angry I am. Also the good stuff I really like about him. But if he really wants to be with someone else, I wont bother him any more.

    … four years of my life dealing with this!



  463.  #463MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Remember there doesn’t have to be an explanation for a feeling.

    No “you don’t do this or that etc.”.

    You feel what you feel, and he can present a solution, your you can. If he isn’t willing to be on board with solutions and positive changes…Then you have choices to make.



  464.  #464ALA on August 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Siren Angel – You are in my thoughts! … hoping for a good outcome for you tonight.



  465.  #465ALA on August 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    A “short” guy asked me to call him last week and I still haven’t. I feel uncomfortable and leaning forwardish doing that. Maybe I will now… hmmm. What’s the sirens consensus about doing that when he asks you too?



  466.  #466ALA on August 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    MissStix – I’m not sure who your message was for, but it sure makes sense in my situation with D. I feel that I did try to convey that the best I could to him. It’s up to him now. I deserve so much better than all his shenanigans.



  467.  #467MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    It’s a good way to be in any situation I think…Sort of addressed to everyone.

    We have choices and no need to run ourselves through the muck.



  468.  #468ALA on August 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    Okay… just read some poetry from my class that my teacher sent today. Feeling a bit calmer now. Feelings that I’m an idiot linger. I’m feeling so deflated and lonely. Trying to identify how I really feel about calling shortCD. There wasn’t very much communication between us before he just gave me his #. I’m worried (my silly NVs) that we wont have anything to say to each other. We’re both artists… that’s a good convo topic. I really wish that I was feeling brave about this!



  469.  #469danke on August 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Thank you Tam and Mel!

    Your support helped me a lot today! Thank you guys so much!

    Mel, a part of me does want to become friends with him but i know myself and that I will try and control and manipulate the situation, dressing up every time I see him in hopes he falls for me. I do have have guys i have dated and put in the friend zone, in healthy way, and it feels great to have them in my life.

    However, I don’t think I trust this guy or myself enough to keep him around with out there being a lot of little heartbreaks down the road.

    It’s surprising to me how something that seems so small feels so bad!



  470.  #470MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Emotion and feelings are wonderful. But perpetual anxiety and turmoil just eat away at you.

    I loved spending time CDing my self and a few random men. The thought of a dissatisfying relationship never feels worse than being alone and seeking my own happiness.

    I am always open to support and solutions. But not stubborn endless frustration.



  471.  #471ALA on August 17, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    MissStix- Thanks… I was thinking about what you wrote earlier with your “epiphany” when I wrote to D… trying to avoid blame and anger. It was really helpful to me. I want you to know that!



  472.  #472MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    🙂 ((((ala)))) that means a lot to me!



  473.  #473ALA on August 17, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    So, I just called shortCD… It went really well. He seems to really like me Yay! He’s going to call me again in an hour. He was at a party … and kept saying how glad he was that I called him. It felt good that he was asking questions about ME. I really hope he’s not all about getting me in the sack. I was feeling bad because that’s what the last two guys have been like.

    Meeting new men feels like FUN again! :)))



  474.  #474MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Radlove

    That is beatiful! (((lovenotes)))



  475.  #475MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    Whenever I met a guy who’s intentions didn’t match my own my cousin would say “Onto the next one!” in this really upbeat and positive way. It felt like…Ooo even if it doesn’t always go my way dating is fun.

    Like a buffet!

    Another siren used that example…I can’t remember who.

    Even if you don’t like a dish there are plenty more you will like.



  476.  #476Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    I feel upset that maybe an ‘advice’ I gave him felt wrong to him and that’s why he went silent. Or he lost interest because I was too available in the last few days and responded with all my heart to a new tough twist in his situation ;(



  477.  #477Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Siren Angel,

    I hope your conversation with M tonight went ok.



  478.  #478Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    MissStix,

    You are an inspiration;)



  479.  #479Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    Miss Styx,

    474 – Thank you! yes, I just feel so frustrated, because how I long to hear words even close to that from R. He has my heart, and I have K’s heart. I don’t understand why things come out like this.



  480.  #480Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    I want cheesecake! I want cheesecake!



  481.  #481Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I feel frustrated cuz R hasn’t contacted me in a couple of days. I feel mad at myself because it matters so much to me.



  482.  #482Memulo on August 17, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    Radlove, I want cheesecake too!!!!

    It feels so good to read what you said about no contact from R in a couple of days. There is so much strength and dignity in your words. Leaning back feels so powerful



  483.  #483MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    ((((memuolo)))) Thank you! That affirmation feels warm amd wonderful.

    I feel sad to see you feel ignored.

    You are worth feeling like you are important to the man you love! You are worth feeling loved and cherished!

    And Radlove too!

    I do feel a lot of frustration for you surrounding R. I feel disheartened when I see you getting sporadic affection from him. But I know the heart wants what it wants.



  484.  #484MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    I just ate 2 chocolate pop-tarts!

    Indulgently gross lol 🙂



  485.  #485MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    I can feel that time of the month coming on. blech. Actually trying to manifest it a couple days early so I don’t have to deal with it camping next weekend!

    mmmm cheesecake

    mmmmm hot fudge cheesecake

    ohhhhh or strawberry!! Big fat cold juicy saucy strawberry cheesecake!



  486.  #486Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Memulo

    482 – Thanks, but I don’t know if I deserve your kudos. I sure don’t feel strong! I feel so tempted to text him! I’ve been fighting the urge all day! It’s why I’m not in bed at 1:25 am. Arrgggghhhh!



  487.  #487Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Miss Styx,

    485 – LOL, now yer talkin’!



  488.  #488MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    It is hot here. I am sitting outside with an icepack in my lap and I think I will cuddle it when I go to sleep lol



  489.  #489Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Miss Styx,

    483 – Yeah, me too. Thanks. I think that if I were truly a strong Siren, I would just ignore him more. And I don’t. The second he contacts me, I’m like a wagging puppy dog.

    I want to just be casual if he contacts me, but I can’t seem to hide my enthusiasm.



  490.  #490MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    I believe you are strong. I see so much strength of character. I also believe you have a very soft heart. It seems to go hand in hand in you. It’s not a bad combination. I just wish your soft heart was held by someone who knew how to handle it with care.



  491.  #491MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    I believe you would shine!!



  492.  #492Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    Miss Stix,

    Thank you so much! Yes, that is my essence, and, yes, I would shine.



  493.  #493MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    I am sure R is a very good man. But You know…maybe it is he who is not strong enough to handle a truely feminine and feeling woman. I feel resentful when I think men are contributing to holding sirens back. When I see sirens say “If I were strong…”

    I want to kick them in the rear and be like “HEY! Newsflash buddy you’re not showing this beautiful woman enough appreciation! And you’re like an eclipse! Blocking her sun.”

    But I know we have to want to move out of the eclipse and into the sun. I know there was a period of a whole 2 years where I did not move out of the eclipse.



  494.  #494MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Beautiful dark eclipse. I don’t remember why I loved you.

    I want to remember. Maybe I don’t…



  495.  #495Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    Miss Stix,

    That is beautiful and true. Thank you.

    Sometimes I think what if I focused my love and attention on K again? Then R would diminish. K lets me shine. But he is long distance; has a filthy mouth; and does things that are immoral.

    But he treats me very well, 99% of the time.



  496.  #496Radlove on August 17, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    This woman behind a dark eclipse is going out for a while. The walls are closing in around me. I just don’t want to go to sleep yet. I feel too lonely to go to bed alone.

    I really appreciate your encouragement.



  497.  #497MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    radlove i’m sorry if I brought you down. I feel sick like I said something wrong.



  498.  #498MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    I have felt a connection to you from day 1. You even manifested in my dreams.

    A really strange dream. We were in some kind of theatre and you were some rows down from me. It was kind of like bumping into you but somehow I knew I was there because you were there. I approached you, and I don’t remember what we said but you gave me some kind of jewelry. A broach maybe?



  499.  #499MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Weird. But it felt warm and comforting.



  500.  #500Vi on August 17, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    i feel sad. i feel tension in my face muscles. i feel angry at my man because there is a ‘don’t want’ and he agrees and says yes to it but does nothing… ewww turn off … i reside in other room because ‘ i feel angry and turned off and want some me time to take care of myself” . he wants to ‘make peace’ but doesn’t suggest anything. i hear ‘let’s forget your don’t wants and move on without changes” . i feel angry. i feel furious. i feel bad i “ruin” the relationship. but … is it really a “relationship” then? i feel scared by the thought i’ll have to leave. i want to make him change instead. wanting him to change doesn’t feel like love. i feel sad….. i love my sadness i love my habits i love my patterns i love my feelings. “forgetting don’t wants and moving on without changes” feels more uncomfortable though … growing sometimes hurts and it’s okay .. it’s ‘the right’ pain…..it’s okay to feel sad i love my sadness i love my tension i love my tension i love the feeling in my throat like i’m going to cry. i feel lonely…..i feel lonely in my growing and it;s okay i won’t regret it i know , it feels right and my throat … my jaw … and my forehead … my eyes … my mouth .. all my body parts feel sad together with me … oh my .. i feel broken up and reassembled i feel like a cubist artwork .. painting .. preferably by picasso … okay …. (((((((((((sadness))))))))))) we will see …. i am a safe place …



  501.  #501MissStix on August 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    ……I don’t want to go to bed. No snores to lull me to sleep.

    I think I will go lay on my back with my ice pack on my belly, breathe and focus on sensations. I may cry. I always cry before my period. Just tears for no real reason. Just because they comr easily and I feel well and spent after.



  502.  #502Vi on August 17, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    right … i feel scared by the thought i’ll have to leave. i want to make him change… = “please feel pain of changing instead of me”! hehe .. feeling a tiny smile on my face… no no no growing is MY privilege … i want to do it myself! i want to practice! even with leaving. i want to evolve! i want to live! i want to try ! i can. because i am a safe place. Tada!



  503.  #503Vi on August 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    *slathering love on my fear of changing* … more … and some more … and more…. beautiful!



  504.  #504Vi on August 17, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    *slathering love on his fear of changing* ….. feel like crying … sacred rinsing … some more love then … feeling compassion…. one more layer of love…



  505.  #505Tam on August 18, 2012 at 12:51 am

    @Radlove…wow, wow, wow…K’s letter. That was very powerful and I must say this is the point I want to get to. To love someone without ‘needing’ them to love me back and me skipping along in life, and even being happy when they find their ‘true’ love.
    K has a depth to him…I am sure your deal breakers are deal breakers, but just soak up the love he offers and get on your horse and trust there will be someone out there for you who can offer you this too….

    ((((Memulo))) yes, no mommy, I have been mommy too often also, it does turn them off and ‘before Rori’ I had no idea why. I wanted to ‘help’, ‘advise’, make him feel better. As soon as I stopped the mothering, things shifted to something sooooo much better.
    It seems to me you know just what to do…

    As for me, well. I have men coming at me left, right and centre (virtually more, as I am still in my little village)…that feels good but I feel a little scared that when I meet them next month will they be disappointed by the ‘real thing’? Negative voices.

    I was in town with my friend here who is a year younger than me. Someone aproached her a day later and said that they didn’t know she already had such a grown up daugther (we are 36 and 35 years old). She said she was mortified but wanted to tell me as it is a huge compliment for me.
    I don’t know. I feel sad that my friend felt bad because she is a lovely person. And, you see, yes, it feels good to be thought of as younger, but I always have been. And the point is that I am treated that way, even by family. Awwww, little Tam, we need to tell her what to do because she is still a baby and might not know how to boil an egg, or how to fold a towel. It gets irritating when you have lived abroad by yourself for almost 20 years. And even strangers treet me like a school child or with little respect because, yeah, I am a ‘girl’ woman. I get belittled, overlooked by servers, ignored by shop staff. It’s normal, and I have accepted it. But it has caused many years of anger build up…I now realise it is not a compliment anymore. It makes me angry. I have two degrees and used to have my own business…to be looked at as being a teenager peeves me off. So there 😉
    But it is funny. MrU and his friend used to call me ‘the highschooler’…at first it annoyed me too but eventually I had to laugh because when they talk to each other they actually use it too ‘oh, did the highschooler do that?’ and so on. It makes me smile now because then I can just sit there like a highschooler, be waited on and being told what to do and just smile and pretend I know nothing and relax…hehe…actually, it’s not so bad.
    I am ranting.
    Ah, sorry.

    And Radlove, I am always home Fridays and mostly Saturdays too unless I date myself. 🙂
    I try to flip it as having ‘time for me’…I have too much time for me, but hey 😉



  506.  #506Tam on August 18, 2012 at 1:04 am

    Abraham H. says something like that:

    do you want to love someone, or do you want to be loved by someone?

    there is a huge difference. If you want to love someone, you are in control of that and you can revel in the feeling without needing someone else do anything, or feel anything.

    If you want to be loved then you put your focus on the other person and you have no control over another person.You are out of the vortex.

    …well, something along those lines. I must say that is a very good point. Of course in a relationship, you will need both, love and being loved. But as a general model this is quite useful. Someone once said to me ‘I love you because you love me’.
    That really made me feel bad and I never quite analysed why. But I remember thinking: if he loved me, he would love me. He would not ‘need’ my constant reassurance that I loved him. The feeling is there or it is not. And when it is mutual: jackpot!!
    The feeling was in fact fake. And all the while during the short relationship, deep down, I knew that it was not real, it was hot air. When we split up, he was not sad, he was ‘hurt’ and just before showed no effort to try to fix things…I gave plenty of opportunity and tried with feeling messages etc….

    It sure feels good when someone loves you, but actually, it feels better to me to ‘love’. And even if it means to walk away for my own sake. There is nothing written anywhere that says you can’t love and walk away when the love is not returned.
    Simple.



  507.  #507Tam on August 18, 2012 at 1:06 am

    506 – Radlove, I think this is what K is saying. He loves and is happy to love. Nothing else required.