Avoiding Your Feelings by Focusing on Your Partner

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handheart200I got this post in a newsletter from Dr. Margaret Paul – it’s about how we all Lean Forward by starting a conversation, or talking, or focusing on something we need to talk or think about, and just generally focusing on a man (Margaret uses the example of a man doing this – so imagine yourself in that situation) – in order to AVOID our own FEELINGS.

Here’s the Post:

margaretpaul

Addictions can take many forms. One fairly common yet subtle form is to start a conversation to get your partner involved with you so that you don’t have to feel and take responsibility for your feelings.

We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.

Leon often struggled with feeling empty inside. Inner emptiness is a symptom of a lack of love inside, and Leon frequently created this inner lack of love with his self-judgments and staying in his head – ignoring his feelings. Sometimes he would fill the emptiness with food, work or TV. But other times he would act out addictively by bringing up issues – generally the same issues over and over – with his wife Susan.

The major issue he focused on was how they spent money. He would start the conversation by stating, “We really need to talk about the money situation.” Susan would feel a knot in her stomach, knowing that Leon was aching for an endless discussion about money that would likely end in a fight and distance. She felt like she was in a no-win: if she talked about money, it would go on for hours and end in anger. If she didn’t, she would be accused of withdrawing and running away from problems. There seemed to be no good way out for Susan.

Eventually, Susan learned to trust her feelings and say to Leon, “I will be happy to talk with you about anything when you are open, but right now your energy feels closed. Let me know when you are feeling really great and then we can talk about it.” Not surprisingly, Leon never approaches her to talk about money when he is feeling good!

Carole periodically says to Rick, “We need to talk about our lack of communication.” Rick immediately knows that Carole is feeling badly and is trying to feel better by getting in to a long and drawn-out conversation about their lack of communication. If he engages, he ends up angry. If he doesn’t, he gets blamed for not communicating. Rick has learned to disengage just as Susan has, saying, “I’d love to communicate with you about anything when you are open, but right now my experience of you is that you are angry, and we are not going to get anywhere. Let me know when you are feeling good and then we can talk about anything you want.” Again, when Carole is feeling happy, she never brings up their lack of communication!

The subject can be anything – child raising, how time is spend, how much TV kids watch, health, nutrition, how clean or dirty the house is, chores that need to be done. It is not that these things don’t need to be discussed – they often do. But there is a huge difference between approaching your partner from a true desire to learn and resolve issues, or a desire to avoid your anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, heartache, or helplessness.

Lovingly Disengaging

If you are the partner at the other end of what may feel like an attack – even though it is couched as a question or a statement of wanting to talk – your best bet is to trust your stomach! If your stomach gets tight when your partner comes to you to talk, trust it. Learn to take loving care of yourself by refusing to talk when you are picking up your partner’s needy, abandoned, or angry energy. Recognize that your partner is acting out addictively to avoid responsibility for his or her own feelings, and that trying to talk will only create more conflict.

However, it is most important when you disengage, that you do not withdraw your love. It might even be helpful if you give your partner a sincere hug, coming from your compassion at knowing that your partner is hurting. Let your partner know that when he or she is open to learning, you will be there – to talk about an issue or to be of help with whatever your partner is feeling.

I’ve been getting Margaret’s newsletters for years now, and love her work…she’s co-created a powerful process called Inner Bonding®, that helps you heal your pain and discover your joy…you can get her Inner Bonding Course free (and the newsletters I get, too) here: http://www.innerbonding.com. You’ll find lots of articles and blog posts there, and Margaret works by phone, too.

This post is at: http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2353/avoiding-your-feelings-by-focusing-on-your-partner.html

I’d like to explore this more…how we women are taught to “talk” things out – when what we’re actually doing is changing the subject – (the subject is actually and truly how WE’RE FEELING INSIDE – regardless of the situation or circumstance that triggered those feelings)…so let me know how even just being aware of this works for you.

Love, Rori

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45 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on November 25, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    OMG this is exactly how my father and i communicate!

    He thinks of something to remark, often critical.

    And when I’m around him, feeling tense, I find myself searching for some fact to share, or question to ask, like
    “does the vacuum have a x attachment” or something!



  2.  #2Daria on November 25, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    EECk. i just did it again with my mom! I felt uncomfortable about something i had said about her nails and then i felt worried i was going to be attacked….

    so I said ohhh its hot in here (switching the subject)

    gurgers.

    I also added and i feel kinda weird and anxious when i caught myself



  3.  #3Katie on November 25, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    It only needs one person to catch on and consciously redirect negative energy in a loving way – that’s so good to read. Otherwise its just a continuing loop of misunderstanding.
    Avoidance of difficult inner feelings as an addiction – that’s got me really thinking – wow – I’d never seen that before – Thanks.



  4.  #4alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    i also felt opened up by this post. like a new perspective on things that i hadn’t really heard articulated well like that. i liked this post. thank you rori and dr. margaret paul

    i love feeling my feelings. love it love it love it. yum!



  5.  #5Daria on November 25, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    paid a bunch of credit card bills AND bought myself a pound of wild bulgarian red clover blossoms.

    I wonder why so many essential oils and herbs are from bulgaria and not romania that is right next to it

    that feels anxiouslike

    i feel my tummy slapping over and over like its a pancake getting flipped flapaddoodle

    i feel squeezing and hot in my head like its being pushed into a vase shaped science beaker cartoon style



  6.  #6Daria on November 25, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    there once was a girl who sat at the computer entranced by electromagnetic frequencies and feeling her eyes daze

    she hoped she would find the center of the universe in the computer galaxy and she dived and searched endlessly pushing along prickly stars like hot smushy porcupines

    it was effortless to float in the bliss sometimes tumbling feet first and flapping

    it was not cold and it was not warm



  7.  #7Katie on November 25, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Hey Daria
    I love your way with words. It makes me feel excited, exposed and curious as to what happens next.



  8.  #8Katie on November 25, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    Stars dance they really do!



  9.  #9diamond on November 25, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    This is so timely … I’ve been lurking for a while yet just now I got up and initiated a discussion (not heated) after reading an article that disturbed me. Instead of sitting with it and asking why I felt disturbed and sharing that, which would have brought us closer instead of just sharing the data from the article and interacting mind to mind like we tend to.

    Great post!



  10.  #10Katie on November 25, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    I’m new to online dating sites and have just sent messages in response to two guys!

    It’s exciting and new and I feel free!!!

    I went back onto list of people who had a mutual match but who haven’t sent any message. It feels that leaning back is the right thing for me to do there, that is I don’t feel comfortable about messaging guys first.

    So I will wait – see what happens.



  11.  #11Daria on November 25, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    It worked!

    The “im not important” lefkoe belief eraser worked!

    omgosh!

    i feel so different and strong!

    We just had an intense emotion exchange here at my house just like this post above shows…

    and i took care of myself

    including crying!

    then saying i felt rejected (which my dad took to mean that My mom rejected me and then accused me of rejecting them) so i said i felt attacked and i dont want to be yelled at and moved myself to the yard to eat

    but then i still felt strong and good… and by the time i ate i felt great

    so i went inside and my mom came down saying she heard me crying and
    i said i felt said and she said why

    but just like in the post she didnt sound like she meant to care about me but rather i felt unsafe

    so i said i felt attacked… she said im not attacking you… i said i feel attacked, your tone doesnt feel safe

    so then my dad says you are not attacking her she is trippin

    so then my mom said why dont you concern yourself with other stuff rather than your feelings all the time…

    and maybe you wont feel it

    i said well people feel things all the time otherwise theres a problem

    she said well maybe if you had some work you would be able to manage

    i said i was feeling good now im feeling attacked

    and dad started talking shit abobut me , about how relationship blah blah blah

    and my mom said yeah this is all some bs or something

    then they were talking about well her boyfriends or something and my mom said i dont care about her bf but she needs to…

    and I LEFT

    i left jumped out the yard and took a 30 minute walk around town

    and i FELT GREAT!!!

    i felt great so quickly i know the Im not Important thing worked

    i SO encourage everyone to do the FREE LEFKOE method videos

    they take about 20 min to erase a big time belief

    Im not Good Enough
    mistakes and failures are bad
    im not important

    plus i found a sneaky way to get a couple more free ones

    i will soon be doing

    nothing i DO is good enough… thats a big one for me and perfectionism

    i feel so teary eyed on the side of my eye hehe

    i feel so good

    oh i came back and said hello… and said thank you to my mom for clearing my table (i left it uncleared in the yard when i jumped the fence)

    she said youre welcome

    and now im here heh folding my clothes

    im feeling tense in my left eye from sharing (sometimes i get teary eyed when i share stuff or get happy and excited and eager to talk or share or actout)

    i feel good and strong and cear

    my mind is not racing around and around about the stuff and im not feeling tense all around

    this is very rocky yum yum



  12.  #12Daria on November 25, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Thank you KATIE! I feel great!



  13.  #13Daria on November 25, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    gosh i feel scared.

    my dad talks really bad to himself.

    like he broke something he was working on and hes like

    OHHHHHH it broke

    youre an idiot. you CANT DO ANYTHING .

    an idiot an idiot an idiot.

    ohhhh

    i feel sad an scared



  14.  #14Daria on November 25, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    now this man who was meeting me at 7 called and said

    “what time are you coming out this way”

    i was like what?
    i thought you were coming to see me

    hes like oh you want me to come out there

    i said not if you dont want to… i feel irritated now

    hes like why

    theres so much kids in the background its like hello hello every few seconds

    im like i dono i didnt expect that question

    hes like hello what you say

    i said

    umm
    you wanna calle me back/

    hes like too many kids huh, yeah ima call you back

    yeah!

    and i feel powerful = important

    woohoo

    still feeling scared about my dad

    even tho he seems to be over it now but gosh



  15.  #15alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    hi i’m goddess alias girl.

    i feel good to have all these suitors.

    and weird to have no income.

    hmmm. hi. well yes we can date but i’m not sure about next week because i might be living in my car with my cell phone cut off.

    yes i am a super goddess. of course.



  16.  #16alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    i feel ANGRY AND RAGEFUL

    and also very apathetic.

    like ah well. you win some you lose some. you know.
    whatevs. if my theories and beliefs are worth anything then things will work out well. if not, well you know, better luck next time.



  17.  #17alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    weird though because my vibe is totally shifted and i have like cutie pie heaven knocking on my goddess door in the dating world.

    hm well maybe i’ll win the lottery or one of them will be rich or maybe some other interesting thing will happen. or not.

    hmm.. anyway i might as well enjoy what i’ve got going on today and well that looks like CUTIE PIE HEAVEN and then church. and that’s pretty good. maybe i’ll wash my car.



  18.  #18alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    i feel apathetic. no not even. i feel neutral. hmmm. that feels like a really positive thing to feel. yae! i feel no resistance!!! hahahahaha!!! THAT IS TERRIFIC. terrrrrrific.

    hmmm. i feel interested and curious. i might go skating tomorrow. i wish i had my earmuffs. i have a cute hat. but anyway it was freaking hot today so i might not need either.



  19.  #19Daria on November 25, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    aww i feel disappointed and annoyed

    i hear the voice saying

    “no real man is gonna drive to you”

    aww.

    this guy i felt irritated by, but i thoroughly expressed my anger, feeling very IMPORTANT hehe

    he still kept me on the phone, but at a point i felt drained and got off

    yay



  20.  #20Daria on November 25, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    alias girl i was thinking about living at a shelter nearby here. after two months i think they can put me on the quick list to low income housing

    hi i have a college degree but very low income and huge bills equal to negative income lol

    i feel worried that my shelter “fantasY’ is keeping me stuck from getting better stuff



  21.  #21Daria on November 25, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    i feel kina tired from the draining part of my phone convo.

    i feel annoyed

    i feel annoyed

    i feel good And annoyed

    ohhhhh i got this really cool exercise to EFT but basically its visualization, then tapping it in

    so you imagine the thing you want as if its already done, but focus on the relief you would feel if it was already done

    thats helped me being able to imagine (and feel really happy about) a whole bunch of stuff last nite.

    in the past ive felt resistance about imaginig a good outcome, i kept getting hit by hows and negative outcomes… this time i just focused on feeling the relief and other good feelings that it was already done and it worked for me

    im gonna feel so relieved when ive done the family shopping for thanksgiving my mom asked me to do

    (but i feel tired right now) uhoh

    try again i would feel so glad that it was done i wouldnt have to do it anymore hehe and so no worries about being tired… yay

    that does feel like relief

    the thing is (Pat Carrington came up with this, her EFT is VERY PRACTICAL AND WORKS) not to push myself to do the thing, its actually going to PULL me to do it, so no effort…

    i will just resistanceless be doing the things i imagined the relief of already being done hehe

    so no pushing myself, not even a lil bit. no PUSHING or forcing ATA LL



  22.  #22alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    “wood floors in the new apartment
    couture from the store’s department” – kanye

    that’s what i keep imagining. hahahaha i am not even kidding. hahaha i keep imagining these beautiful wood floors and shopping. a lot of shopping.

    hahahahahaha!



  23.  #23alias girl on November 25, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    “lights…flashing…lights…”

    “what do i know? ooooo ouuuu ooooo ooouuu oh”

    -kanye



  24.  #24laughing goddess on November 25, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    I love Leskoe!!! I want more Leskoe!!! Daria, please lead me to your secret stash…



  25.  #25Rori Raye on November 25, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    diamond – Welcome, and thank you for this very insightful story. Once you get the hang of going into your feelings and sharing – you’ll see how “scary” it feels at first, but when you get the hang of it – it’s like Everything just CHANGES….Love, rori



  26.  #26laughing goddess on November 25, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    awwww. I feel so sad. I want to reread rori’s ebook but I can’t remember the password 🙁 so I can’t open it. I know I can write the office but I want to read it NOW. Boo hoo. I feel sad.

    I wanted to review the basics because I am going to see J tomorrow at a thanksgiving dinner and I wanna keep my cool.

    Sooooo…

    I’m gonna lean back
    Listen at level 2
    Don’t focus on him
    Be open to other men

    I’m definitely not going to drink cuz I wanna be self aware. I will shine. I am radiant. The glow coming off me will light up the entire room. I am magnetic! The rivers are flowing towards me topping off my pond. Every cell of my body feels yummy.



  27.  #27laughing goddess on November 25, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Yum yum yum yummy!



  28.  #28Sasha J on November 26, 2009 at 12:31 am

    hello beautiful everyone,
    i feel nice and riding along reading your posts
    daria i feel your words
    it feels tricky especially with family i didn’t feel healing and love for myself until
    i left the country to live somewhere else now i feel safer and happier when i visit home.

    AND ANY man worth YOUR attention will be happy to make you happy even if he was clueless and didn’t know you preferred not to go to them…after your feeling messages about how you don’t go to men, any man who wants to get to know you and get to bathe in your fountain will find a way to come to you if they are able to 🙂

    i have met a few nice men online and am still feeling blocked with actually meeting in real life i feel so safe behind the screen

    i said to a guy from the U.S (where you ladies are!)
    that i do not feel comfortable to go to men
    and he is making plans to come visit me in February!!
    I feel like i am on a pedestal with him..
    And I am learning the rule of date at least 3 and treat them all equally I am starting to feel attached to this man but I must remember to feel open to other offers if they feel good. NOTE TO SELF!!!

    I feel so tahnkful for all these tools rori because i feel so happy and CALM and not too lost and relieved when i understand what I am feeling.
    with regards to the post, i realised the toxic-foot-surgery-addict-cheated a few times-ex, the guy i left just a month ago….i always brought up the cheating and was addicted to going on and on about it…..so i had to remove myself from the situation because i felt toxic too…i feel calmer now…i feel more like me now….



  29.  #29Sasha J on November 26, 2009 at 12:32 am

    oh and HAPPY THANKSGIVING



  30.  #30Paula on November 26, 2009 at 1:35 am

    I feel SO thankful for this post. It feels so true for me. I like it a lot! Wow, I just want to focus on my feelings now and just leave the other person (man, friend, family) alone…. Yes, yes, I was avoiding my feelings by focusing on you.

    Sasha, I feel happy for you and I feel respect for your courage.

    It’s not thanksgiving here but I feel thankful that my house is not flooded. A lot of my neighbours houses have been destroyed but today, the flood waters near me have receded. Thank you, universe. Thank you for my good neighbour who has been feeding me.

    May we all be safe now.



  31.  #31Sasha J on November 26, 2009 at 2:47 am

    wow paula where are you?? i feel glad you are safe and fe and your internet is woking xoxo



  32.  #32Daria on November 26, 2009 at 3:16 am

    needs like:

    love, romance, affection, attention, sex…

    it feels like someone else is needed at least another person to fulfill these needes

    but i dont wanna rely on someone else

    crap

    i feel clingy

    and i dont trust anyone i just meet to fulfill my needs

    why

    because i feel scared

    and i want my needs met

    i want my needs met and i want to not be rejected ever if i ask for them met and i feel scared and i feel hopeless and i feel disappointed
    i feel needy

    i want sex

    hello sex god i want sex

    better show up and give it to me now

    dammit

    i said so

    and you better drive to me too

    i just want to come outside

    and we have sex

    and i like it

    and i feel like i want to give it to you

    and i feel juiced

    and i feel impressed

    and i feel safe

    and i feel special

    and i feel freaky

    and i feel curious
    and i feel excited

    and i feel tittilated

    and i feel spoonfed like a baby plies style

    laaagh

    sex god i am not going to say thank you until after

    nope im not saying it

    ha

    ha

    ha

    ha

    i feel terribly uncomfortable

    and im not saying thank you

    ha

    ha
    ha

    i feel terribly terribly uncomfortable

    sex god

    it feels weird to say your name

    i feel weird

    i feel insecure

    i feel sigh

    i feel tight under my jaw

    i feel awfully uncomfortable and squirmish

    ah

    sex god i feel embarassed

    i feel uncomfortable

    i feel squirmy

    i feel like acting giggly

    i feel like being shy

    i feel exposed

    i feel vulnerable

    i feel like being naked and youre staring at me

    aaack

    i feel uncomfortable

    i love you sex god

    haha

    that felt fun

    im still not saying thank you

    even thought htat felt good im reserving my thank you

    haha

    i feel soo gooooood

    i love you

    ha i almost said it

    maybe later



  33.  #33Daria on November 26, 2009 at 3:19 am

    omg paula that feels so exciting and awful ! are you still moving! omgosh unbelievable..!

    thank god the flood waters are receding

    wow



  34.  #34Daria on November 26, 2009 at 3:25 am

    ohhh

    i went to wholefoods and i bought turkey for 23 dollars

    i wanted to get range raised turkey and i did even tho it wasnt the all organic feed one cuz that one was 40 dollars at the least

    i also got organic yams, potatos, and carrots

    all for like 31 bukcs

    my mom is gonna cook it

    i helped by doing the groceries but i got the all organic stuff fuck it and still came up to just 31 dollars

    ha

    i put it on my card in case they got mad of me putting it on their card and it was too much or something

    so now were gonna have yummy thanksgiving food

    yeah

    i love how organic food fuckin tastes better

    thank you lord

    i was born on organic food ha

    yeah

    ill say thats another need

    need for naturalness

    need for realness

    need for soul and spirit

    need for breath of life

    need for water of ice purity and clarity reflection sparkle

    stravezii green see thru



  35.  #35Maria on November 26, 2009 at 5:05 am

    l remember my mom bringing up the “clean your room” thing. that was the most-heared expression in my up-bringing. She would nad about every little detail, so l was mostly raised with the atmosphere of “clean my room.” but she didnt teach me anything about love, life, and all that sort of thing.
    As if that cleaning my room was the Most Important thing in upbringing…..



  36.  #36Simply Shannon on November 26, 2009 at 7:53 am

    Just subscribing for now. Happy Thanksgiving!



  37.  #37Paula on November 26, 2009 at 11:33 am

    It’s not so exciting really Daria. I feel a little frightened but I feel MORE bored. I can’t travel out of my isolated rural area. The roads are blocked by floods. So I can’t get to a shop to buy groceries or go see a film or meet a friend.

    The nice thing is that all of the neighbours are helping one another out with milk and bread. I feel like I am part of a community. I don’t feel too alone.

    But I have no hope of dating :). The rain is not stopping so I could spend another week trapped here.

    Yes, I do hope to move to the sun. That feels really nice right now.



  38.  #38Jennifer on November 26, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    FUCK ME!
    I do this. I get angry and then I focus OUT!!!!!
    And I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk
    y’all get the idea. Endless, circuitous pointless discussion. Circumlocution. Till I’m blue in the face. All Damned day long.
    I’ve never been good at going IN.
    I make valid points and research my ideas and talk to experts and quote people in the know and it doesn’t MATTER!
    I have been doing this all week with B
    He says he wants to “try” he doesn’t want to be split up. So we’ve been on chat and I’ve been explaining my position over and over.
    I’ve been in receipt of passive aggressive crap. But I continue to explain myself ad nauseum.
    I feel a lightbulb.



  39.  #39Flipper on November 26, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Great, Jennifer, now feel around for the switch, it’s right there, under your skin.



  40.  #40Daria on November 26, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    Paula I love how you said you hope to move to the sun.

    I can imagine you living On the Sun. That would feel amazing.

    Amazing galactic fresh and alive brightbrilliance



  41.  #41help me thanks rori on November 29, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    i really need help rori…im really hoping that you can help me…my story is that ive been in a relationship with this guy as in boyfriend and girlfriend and we’ve been together for 8 months the relationship ended on july31 because of an huge arguement…after we kept arguing he still had feelings for me and i still loved him with all my heart but now he tells me he as lost all feelings for me and that he has a new girlfriend i couldnt stand hearing him say that because i’m still in love with him and i really want to get him back or at least talk to him and try working things out i’ve said sorry already but he didnt…all i want is to get back with him because i stilll love him but i could only do so only over cell phones or texting because i really dont get to see him any more so what exactly can i do..is there any special words that i can use to get him??? i really need help im still in love with him i’ve tryed getting over him but it didnt work im
    talkin to another guy but all i think of is him…and it has to be a reason we belong together but he doesnt feel the same way i feel i text him everyday i really want him back but i dont know how to…can you send me daily words that will touch his heart and have feelings for me again and not the other girl he’s with??? please rori try helping me out i need something strong that he’ll listen and keep in his heart and want me back and he’s a scarpio and im a taurus are’nt we suppose to be a good couple jus help me thanks



  42.  #42Erika Awakening on November 30, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Rori,

    I’m intrigued by this, and am adding it to my things to be aware of as ways of avoiding pain, which is something I’ve been writing a lot about lately.

    And at the same time, I must say that — as painful as it has been — nothing has brought me more awareness than confronting my ex about our relationship. Until I recently did that, the negative feelings just continued to simmer. Old karma from multiple relationships never getting unwound. Now I feel there has been real catharsis, and that transformation is taking place. And this is only because I finally was no longer willing to “keep a lid” on it.

    I was pretty confrontational at times, and it has been painful and disharmonious, but it has also brought a lot of unconscious crap to the surface to be cleared.

    Just another perspective. 🙂

    – Erika



  43.  #43Rori Raye on November 30, 2009 at 9:22 pm

    Thank you, Erika (and your comments from this new site should go straight through after this one)…I think the world of you, and I have a client going through this just now – where the need to “talk out” the situation and “confront” him with his misdeeds and…just process through with him is very, very strong. I remember that myself. And here’s what I think about it. We’re all different, and we’re all in different stages of being able to speak our truth in a non-violent way that is worthwhile to experience, and the relationships and qualities of specific men and how they feel about us are so so unique, that it’s hard to generalize here. Most of the time I would say that you don’t need to work this through with HIM. That trying to work things through with a man who no longer cares for you is not a good thing for you. On the other hand, if a man is fairly evolved and DOES care, but just not in the way you would like – there might be a lot to learn from processing with him, and even moving to friendship. I am NEVER for just jettisoning a man’s value because things didn’t work out…but sometimes we can get stuck in our lives. If we’re working on this alone, without therapeutic help, often confronting a man who no longer cares the way we wish he did can mire us even deeper. Again…nothing in stone…but though I’m all for bringing up unconscious crap – sometimes it’s best to do it not with him, but with the next man, and the next…bringing awareness to yourself every day. All perspectives welcome. All perspectives valuable. All perspectives work in some ways. Most of the time, I think sinking in and mindfulness work much better than confrontation when there is no actual remaining relationship. For me, the “shadow self” is always there to talk to – but then – one of my favorite movies of all time is “Scenes From a Marriage.” The most important thing, for me, is preserving your love for yourself and sense of self…and processing with a man who no longer is there for you the way you want is often a way of beating ourselves up by chasing him down. Love, Rori



  44.  #44Rori Raye on November 30, 2009 at 9:45 pm

    Hi, help me, and thank you for your question and for sharing your feelings, and I’m not sure I can help you…You sound quite young (please correct me if I’m wrong) – “arguing” is a very “young” thing….you could start there learning how to express your feelings and your anger without “fighting.” And leaving you for another woman so quickly seems very young. My best advice would be to forget about him completely and start dating other men, practice my Tools, learn to speak in new ways and to stop working so hard to get a man just because you feel so much “love” for him….as you mature, you’ll start to see that no person is necessarily “meant” for another – but that a relationship develops and builds through trust and devotion…and that BOTH people have to want to do that. It’s your job to love yourself so much that you inspire HIM to love you even more. Love, Rori



  45.  #45Erika Awakening on November 30, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    hi Rori,

    Thanks for your thoughtful response. I already feel the awkwardness again of making this transition from being a client to being an expert in my own right, and I’m glad that I feel more settled about that now than I did before.

    I like posting here sometimes, and whereas at one time I may have been looking for advice, that’s not really my purpose now. I’m more interested in sharing a perspective that’s a little different from yours while also respecting yours 100 percent, if that works for you.

    I get what you’re saying about it can mire some people in deeper, but that has not been my experience. That’s why I’ve developed a different approach, because I tried other people’s approaches, and they didn’t completely work for me.

    For me, and this is not just with men, I have found that to resolve a conflict or issue fully within myself and my Shadow, it is actually an important part of the process to have no-holds-barred confrontations (whether that be with my mother, with someone on a forum, or with a man). I try to keep my language as non-violent as possible, but I don’t even worry about that too much. What matters to me is letting the issue be aired fully, which means NOT holding myself back one iota.

    That’s when I get the huge shifts in my life. Huge shifts.

    I tried the more moderate approaches. They didn’t work for me.

    I don’t expect everyone to agree with my approach, and I’m certainly not going to impose it on anyone else. But to the extent I play a role here anymore, it would be to share that somewhat different perspective in my new role as an expert at this. Hopefully to give some people the permission to be fully themselves in whatever way feels good to them.

    I don’t know any woman who has received as many marriage propositions as I have, so obviously I’m doing something right. Even if it’s not for everyone.

    cheers,
    Erika