Be A Rori Raye Relationship Coach

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Hi, This is Rori….

On July 7th, 2014 – you can be one of a small group of women to study with me to become a Rori Raye Relationship Coach by Thanksgiving….

If this is tickling your mind – perhaps it’s a nice addition to the work you’re already doing, or the career change you’ve been dreaming about but couldn’t quite put your finger on.

If you’ve been waiting for this opportunity, and are ready to roll! – write to She’ll get you enrolled, and make sure I personally know all about your gifts and dreams so I can mentor you quickly and help you hit the ground running as a professional coach.

For more about Rori Raye Relationship Coach Training (RRRCT) logistics, costs and details on how the Training will work for you, go here:

Being a coach is the hottest profession there is right now – and being in RRRCTย  guarantees you my personal time and attention, plus hours of videos, audios and written RRRCT Manual included – AND you’ll get the Rori Raye brand name totally behind you business-wise.

I consider this a mentoring moment for me, where I teach everything I know to you, and help you build a great coaching career – filled with clients and personal satisfaction.

RRRCT 2014 is likely to fill up fast, so I wanted to give you an early-head-start before the news gets out.

*I’ll be giving you “jump-start” help – emailed direction and homework every week, immediate access to RRRCT materials, personal email access to me, and two “Early Enrollment Teleclasses”-ย  if you’d like to secure your spot and get moving right away. Just let know if you’d like to start early.

Go here to find out how, by Thanksgiving this year, you can be a practicing Rori Raye Relationship Coach:

The RRRCT Pilot Program of 2013 was amazing. Everyone successfully learned to coach clients using my “cinematic” methods, and everyone got up and running on a blog/website.

More than six new RRRCT coaches are already what I’d consider “superstars,” with many clients, a secure web presence, personal client referrals from me, programs being created, and invitations to interviews, article publishing and partnership connections around the web.

It’s my job at RRRCT to mentor you to carry on my work personally helping women all over the world – as I turn my potential future coaching clients over to you so I can focus on RRRCT and writing – and to help you have great fun,ย  personal fulfillment, and financial security while you’re doing it.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Helena Hart on April 10, 2014 at 8:26 am

    RRRCT was such an amazing experience – by far the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m now coaching full time and loving every minute of it! If anyone has any questions about my experience with the program, you can email me through my website and I’d be happy to answer them.

    Love, Helena

  2.  #2Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 9:39 am

    I need a quick bit of advice, but first wanted to say that this training sounds amazing!! I adore the whole RR philosophy, though I’m a bit of a newbie.

    Here’s my question: Is it OK to date an acquaintance of one of my CDs?

    I’ve been on four dates with A in the course of two months, and he’s set up our fifth date for tomorrow. Yay! I’m really enjoying him and the way he makes me feel. I’m actually liking him so much that I’m really having to dig into the tools to keep from getting tunnel vision.

    On our first date two months ago, we went to a bar after dinner. A briefly introduced me to the bartender B, one of his acquaintances but not a close friends. Just a friendly acquaintance, I guess you could say. A guy who went to his same high school, but was a few years younger.

    Fast forward to a few days ago, and I ended up getting a work assignment involving this same bar and requiring me to work closely with B.

    B did not seem to remember meeting me with A a couple months ago, and I made no mention of it.

    We ended up having a great time working together and B asked for my number, and I gave it to him. He has not yet asked me out on a specific date, but it looks like we’re heading in that direction.

    Is it OK to add B to my rotation, even though he’s a friendly acquaintance of A, whom A introduced me to that one time?

    Will this affect my relationship with A negatively if he finds out I’m going on dates with B as well?

    Do I need to bring this up and say something about it to either / both of the men?

    Thank you for any and all advice!!!

  3.  #3Valarie O'Ryan on April 10, 2014 at 10:13 am

    I absolutely echo what Helena said. The whole experience was incredible. Meeting Rori & working with her & all the other wonderful coaches was invaluable to me. Now I’m doing what I love with confidence ๐Ÿ™‚

  4.  #4GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Aw don’t I ever wish I could afford it. Maybe someday!

  5.  #5Cรฉcilia on April 10, 2014 at 11:11 am

    I sense that this could be somewhere along my path… in the future…

  6.  #6GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Actually…More honestly, if I became a professional coach I see it just kind of blossoming on it’s own. I pretty much already do it for free anyways lol

  7.  #7GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 11:21 am

    hmmm interestingly…I probably don’t want to do it professionally. I feel a bit envious of those who do, however, when it comes up in real life I feel more meh about it. I like being there for the girls who want to come to me for tips and advice and whatnot, and I like the friendships that have blossomed and the fact that I don’t have to charge them. It feels good just helping out. I don’t see myself as structured enough for something like this. Maybe that will change?
    I’m not a fan of structure…As soon as sething feels forced i’m checked out of it.

  8.  #8Amber on April 10, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I definitely want to do this, but right now I feel like I couldn’t give it 100%. I am helping to support an additional household to my own and unless there is some sort of scholarship program, or grant program I cannot afford any more expenses. Feeling disappointed ๐Ÿ™

  9.  #9Rori Raye on April 10, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Cutie – Wow, what a great question…everyone, please weigh in on this with your own experiences. My take: No. Don’t accept an actual date until you know what you want with man A. You’ll need to be okay if he disappears (though he likely won’t). You can be friends with man B – and friendly, and that qualifies as Circular Dating! You can go to an event or party or place where he’s at. You can have a business lunch if work could include that. I wouldn’t accept a dinner invitation. People know people – it’s a small world, and CDing will likely get it known that you’re…well, CDing! That’s part of the deal. That’s as it “should be.” Still – man A sort of introduced you to man B – and so far, from what you say – man A is doing everything he’s supposed to. In 3-6 months, man A will either be closer to something real and long-lasting with you, or gone. You can get close enough to man B without having an official “date” (or any kind of physical, sexual activity) to find out if you really prefer him to man A. And yes, you can tell man B you’re dating the man who introduced you to him, and it doesn’t feel right to get past friendship while you’re still dating man A. Love, Rori

  10.  #10Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Wow, thank you so much, Rori! It feels wonderful to have your insight to guide me in this confusing scenario.

    Here is the script I am thinking of using with B if / when he contacts me again:

    I feel happy hearing from you, and I feel awkward saying this – I am remembering being introduced to you when I was on a date with A at your bar a while back, and I believe he said you guys went to the same high school … So it feels better to take things in a friendship direction while I’m still going on dates with A. What do you think?

    Feedback, anyone?

  11.  #11Amber on April 10, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    I would tweak the last sentence to:
    “I feel better keeping things light and friendly until I know if A has serious intentions.”
    I think this increases your value, without implying that you might in the future “give up” A for B.
    I think the phrase “while I’m still going on dates with” could be misinterpreted… then again, I’m a girl and we over-analyze EVERYTHING!
    Hope this helps

  12.  #12Kyla on April 10, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    When he walked me back to my car there was a parking ticket. He put it straight in his pocket and said I’ll sort that out for you. I gave him a kiss and said thank you.. Then I remembered the little script FW gave me and just blurted it out and he actually blushed and his chest puffed out and he laughed ‘That’s the way its supposed to be’. He text the confirmation code to me just now and thanked ME for letting him take care of it. He keeps setting his own bar very high and then thanking me for letting him.. I feel like I’m doing really good at this allowing thing!
    Mmmm and Kyla really wants to get it on with Ninja. I’ve felt so good letting things get to a certain point and stopping him. Feeling so turned on and breathless and not feeling pressure to go further in anyway just feels so safe and turns me on even more ๐Ÿ˜‰

  13.  #13LoveAlways on April 10, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Helena . . . I’m toying with the idea. How did you know you were ready to help other people. I feel like I still need a lot of work on myself in some ways, and in other ways I feel I could be a fabulous Rori Raye coach. I’d love to hear your experience to help me weigh in on this. LoveAlways

  14.  #14Amber on April 10, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    I just need some feedback on this script. This is to (T)- who has specifically asked me to let him know when his actions are not making me feel good. I have heard almost nothing from him in 3 days, which, 6 months ago would not be unusual, but is not normal behavior based on the recent past. He cooked me dinner on Sunday night and I stayed over. We have been consistently spending 2-3 evenings/nights together for the past two months, with frequent contact in between.
    “I felt so great spending time with you on Sunday. I’ve been feeling a little disconnected these past few days. I don’t want to crowd you so I have a tendency not to initiate our conversations, but not having any contact at all feels bad. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Can you help me?

    What do you think, Sirens? I’m not feeling desperate or needy, so I don’t HAVE to send him anything, but I also feel I’m doing a disservice if I keep this in, because he has asked for feed back on his actions. All opinions are welcome.

  15.  #15Luzydel on April 10, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    I don’t know if I want to rekindle anything with CaptainCD; he is back in the picture, but i kinda feel meh! He is not the man to commit to a relationship; and even though I am not looking for marriage, I want a little more than casual dating a man. I can casual date a lot of men if that is what I wanted, but I cannot casual date just one man and I get the feeling he expect that, that I stay single and take whatever he gives while he make up his mind, and I feel blah and empty about that…

  16.  #16ArabianLove on April 10, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    So if it doesn’t make you feel good Luzydel… why do it ?

  17.  #17Helena Hart on April 10, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    LoveAlways – 13 – Great question! Since my background is in psychology, I’ve always been in the profession of helping other people. For years I knew I wanted to be a relationship coach, I just didn’t know how to make that dream a reality, so that’s where it helped me a lot. And of course training with Rori was beyond amazing!

    I think it’s pretty common to feel like there’s more work to be done on yourself, for most people growing and learning never stops. Whether or not you feel you should do that work before you can help others is a personal decision and might depend on the situation. I know several therapists and psychologists who don’t have everything in their own personal lives “together” but they can help others brilliantly!

    If you have any specific questions about it you can contact me through my website, I’m available and I’d love to help!

    Love, Helena

  18.  #18Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Hi Amber! Thank you for your comment to me – feels so nice getting siren feedback ๐Ÿ™‚

    As to your comment, I am wondering, do you think you can wait until he reaches out to you to deliver this message of yours?

    Also, I might tweak it to:

    I felt so great spending time with you on Sunday, and I’ve been feeling a little disconnected not hearing anything these past few days. I don’t want to feel disconnected, and I’m not sure what to do. Can you help me?

    I would def leave out the whole third sentence. For some reason, it feels ever-so-slightly clingy to me, like he’s the prize and not you.

    Just my two cents, and keep in mind I don’t really know your back story here.

    Hope this helps a bit!

  19.  #19Amber on April 10, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Hi Cutie, thanks!
    I love your script! Unfortunately i’ve already used that almost exact wording in the past, lol, so i had to change it up a little. The reason for the third sentence is that I have been told by several men, (T) included, that I seem uncommunicative.
    The problem with waiting for him to reach out is that i feel like I’m on the offensive as soon as he does reach out to me. I feel like I’d rather send this as a text and forget about it, rather than feel like i’m ‘waiting’ for him to get in touch so that i can say something about him NOT getting in touch. Does that make sense?

  20.  #20Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Oh OK yeah that makes sense … and it also opens up a bunch of other questions to me as a newcomer to your story …

    Are you CDing or did you agree to exclusivity?

    The reason I ask is that from what I understand, CDing serves to help keep us “sane” in these situations, and less focused on receiving calls from one man.

    Are you warm and inviting every time you do respond to and spend time around these men?

    The reason I ask is because of the “uncommunicative” comment.

    But then again, we’ve got the whole waterwheel concept to consider here, and the fact you have been dating T for six months now … and it sounds like he’s actually ASKED you to reach out to him more and let him know these things, so …

    If sending that message if it feels right, then I would go for it …

  21.  #21Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    And yet I’m also remembering hearing or reading Rori say somewhere that you don’t want a man that you have to “push and prod” into treating you the way you feel best being treated …

    And it sounds like you’ve tried delivering this message more than once now, and the behavior is cropping up once again …

    So just some more food for thought. Please take with a grain of salt! : )

  22.  #22prplpsn28 on April 10, 2014 at 7:24 pm


  23.  #23Amber on April 10, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Thanks Cutie,
    (T) and I have actually been dating on and of for more than 18 months but I only found Rori (after we broke up) about four months ago. We agreed to try again but I didn’t stop dating other people until he agreed to my exclusivity requirements, about two months ago. One of them was frequent contact, and until now he’s been totally present. This is definitely not a dealbreaker for me, but it feels kinda bad to just let it go, especially without saying anything. I feel like it might breed the resentment I used to feel, before I learned a better form of communication. I’m still CDing the world, even though we are exclusive.

  24.  #24Amber on April 10, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    I have delivered this message before, but one of Rori’s relationship experts says it can take six or more repetitions for a man to “hear” a request like this and this is only number two for me, so I’m still feeling ahead of the game, lol ๐Ÿ™‚

  25.  #25Violette on April 10, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    P took me for a “surprise” today, a horse drawn carriage through the park! It was very expensive and kind of cool, beautiful and all that, I didn’t know how to tell him though, I find it immoral to the horses…I’m against it!

    I felt kind of clammed up with him. The fancy ride, then he wanted to take me for tea. I was starving, and then he just found a random coffee place, where it wasn’t a good atmosphere and what I ordered wasn’t good.

    I feel tired and sad.

    Plus he looks like an old man with his hair all long and white. Not when we’re speaking, but when I first see him, like I catch my breath, he looks like 70 from the back! I’m 35 but I look like 12. Self conscious.

    I just feel sad tonight.

  26.  #26Veronica on April 10, 2014 at 8:44 pm


    If I felt that things were progressing with A, then I would not date B but rather just keep it friendly.

  27.  #27Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Hi Amber,

    That really clarifies things — thanks! And I remember hearing the six-time repeat advice as well. Right on!

    To me, it sounds like you’re totally on point with your plan to tell T your script. Good stuff!

    Please let us know how it goes. I’d love to hear his response.

    : )

  28.  #28Veronica on April 10, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    Kyla – 12 – Gorgeousness. If you told him the last two sentences of your post, I think your Alpha Ninja would be all raging melty with desire.

  29.  #29Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    Thank you, Veronica! I’m loving the feedback!

    I decided I’m not going to use any script at all with B. I’m going to go ahead and accept friendship-type outings and decline dinner or date-type invites.

    And let him know when we hang out that I feel attracted to him, and I feel better exploring a friendship right now.

    Then hold my boundaries of only being friendly with him. Fun and friendly flirtation is OK, but nothing physical or sexual or date-like.

    I’m open to any comments about this, by the way.

  30.  #30Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    Kyla, I feel curious … what was the little script from FW that you blurted out after thanking for him?

  31.  #31Veronica on April 10, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    A few days ago, I shared on fb something that felt sireny, just the way I shared it felt sireny. It felt good to do that although I also had to convince myself that it was okay. The attention from my male friends feels overwhelming to me (I’m very shy) – they initiated contact, are keeping in contact, I didn’t expect this and am surprised by the results. BearCD made sure he replied on that post. It is encouraging me to trust my siren self a bit more, but the responses do feel overwhelming sometimes. I do love masculine energy but sometimes I am speechless.

  32.  #32Millie on April 10, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    Before I read this new post and all the comments…I want to respond to everyone who posted to me on the last thread because you ladies are AMAZING!

    Cupcake you ROCK!!! It means so much to me that you feel a special connection to me and identify with my posts. I always enjoy how you write. Donkey’s behind!! Haha so true!!!!! As you said, I did leave feeling bad, but while I was there once I caught on he was more interesting in this other woman and walled me out, I flirted with two other guys around me (both who have gfs) but had a really good time with them!! I admit, I ignored Mechanic back. I didn’t invite him into the conversation and the few words he spoke to me, his actions spoke louder, so I didn’t encourage it. I didn’t want to “try” to take his attention away from the other woman. I wanted it to be natural. And as I was sitting there…I did feel gorgeous and attractive and funny, and I KNOW I am all of these things, which just magnifies how much of a fool he was being. I feel so DONE with this guy. The other woman was the “life of the party” type who snorted as she laughed and is recently divorced and talked about men who were giving her attention even though she “only wants one thing.” I’m sure that sparked Mechanic’s attention!! But I was sitting there feeling like…”I’m not like her. I don’t feel the way she does and I”m glad I don’t!! I’m glad I’m not her!!! I’m glad I’m me.” So focusing on that feeling is really helping me through this little rough patch. I really feel like I am amazing and if this guy doesn’t see it. F him. All the other men at the table were smiling at me and calling me gorgeous. So ya…I was getting plenty of male attention. One even kissed me on the neck!!!

    Liquid Light–thank you for seeing more to this…that perhaps it is not as it looks on the surface. That is what has been propelling me through my time with this guy, but I’m so tired of it. It’s just not worth it. I don’t really care anymore what underlying issues he has that caused him to do what he did. As far as I’m concerned, his attention wasn’t on me, so his loss!!

    Tereana–I think you are so right! That explains why when he and I are alone, he is all sweet and attentive and honest seeming, but when another woman is around that he may have interest in, I don’t exist! I totally agree that he may feel welcome of my affection, but do I even want to waste it on him anymore? NO! I don’t want to waste any more time or energy on men that don’t think I’m the cat’s meow.

    Indigo–I felt dismissed. I felt cast aside. And I’m realizing he doesn’t need to hear that. We aren’t dating, so he owes me nothing. And this “friendship” is not true blue. I see that now.

    Glowstix–I’m with you! Onwards and upwards!

    Oh man…does it feel good to get to this point.
    I feel as though I’ve shot out of the water and am flying through the air ad it feels good.

  33.  #33Millie on April 10, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    Cutie–In my book honesty is best. I would let B know you are dating A. I think when people find out news after the fact, it can cause unnecessary trust issues. I would spend some time with B and see how it feels. If you feel like it could go down the romantic direction, I would mention how you first met and bring up A. If he’s interested, he’ll step up and try to win you over A.
    I think that’s how it works….anyway, I’m a big advocator of honesty, even though I know its difficult and doesn’t always feel like the right thing to do. If I could start over with men….I would be honest from the get go.

  34.  #34Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Thanks, Millie! So you’re saying go ahead and spend time as a friend with B and if I feel at all like it could possibly go in a romantic direction, then bring up how we met and bring up A.

    But if I don’t feel a romantic direction, then no need to bring it up really? I’m confused there …

    Also, what are your feelings on whether I need to mention anything to A?

  35.  #35Millie on April 10, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    Ladies I feel so elated right now…it’s unbelievable. Sometimes I don’t trust my feelings because I went from turmoil to clarity in a matter of hours. I talked to my mom, that really helped. I really have the BEST mom. She is pretty experienced with men and her and I have similar patterns, so I trust that her advice and her perspective will ground me. And it did!!!! I love that my mother can ground me. She sees beyond what I see. Mothers do know best. She knows how to talk to me, so that I will listen and feel better about my choices. Choosing not to bring all of this up with Mechanic feels SO empowering!! Who knew that choosing to say nothing and just FEEL and KNOW would be so empowering!!! I feel like I’m in on a private joke and he isn’t. I feel like I have the upper hand. How did this happen? I did nothing and I feel this good?! I just suddenly feel so much more worthy than him. I feel so amazing and wonderful and blossoming with femininity. Oh my….maybe he retreated because he was intimidated by my interactions with the other men! There’s a thought…….haha I don’t really care, but it’s joyous regardless! Yay I feel so happy! I am alone and it’s great because I’m on a pedastal with all these men looking up at me scratching their heads! that’s how I feel anyways……riding this feeling ladies…riding it.

  36.  #36Millie on April 10, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Cutie– the reason I said “if you feel it going in a romantic direction” for YOU is because that gives you a little room to decide after being around him. Maybe you go to lunch and he is completely awful and you never want to see him again? I feel like,… maybe saying up front “oh well I’m seeing A so this can only be friendship” is defining what is happening too soon. I say, leave it open, see what happens, and let him know about A if you feel a conflict of interest. It’s really up to you though and how you feel. This is just my opinion.

    How serious are you with A? Four dates doesn’t sound too far down the road, but I don’t know on this one. Whether to tell A about B is a question for someone more professional.

  37.  #37Cutie on April 10, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    Thanks again, Millie! I like how I can use the feeling of a “conflict of interest” as my sign that it would then be time to speak up. For now, B is just a friend whom I’ve flirted with a bit. There’s no conflict of interest. Ahh, I feel much more peaceful about this now.

    So happy to hear about your awesome realizations and feelings of freedom and clarity! It sounds like you’re reaching new levels of Siren-ness. Rock on!

  38.  #38Millie on April 10, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    I feel like I’m the only one on the west coast. When I have time to post (10pm) it seems everyone else is asleep! And during the day, when I’m at work, I see everyone posting away and I can’t read it until later….grrrr

  39.  #39Starla on April 10, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    re: men you’re exclusive with not calling regularly and then you feel disconnected

    i finally just told mine to call me every single day. he said “you know you can just call me? we’re in a relationship after all.” and i said “it would feel so much more secure if you just led the way.” and so he did. he’s never missed a day since.

    and honestly he aims for a quota of 1 call a day. so if he tries to get a hold of me and i can’t call him back, he won’t try again. it’s just his thing. and it just so happens to be my thing that i will feel disconnected when we do finally get in touch, and i will need to feel our connection rebuilt before i want to do things like rip off our clothes;) or squeeze him into my already busy schedule.

    i just communicate all these things to him. it’s worked out very well for me. i know rori teaches not to take this route, but the difference was in my vibe. and also never doubting that he would be willing to do it. and knowing that if he gave me grief about it (and ultimately what i need to feel comfortable to be with him exclusive), then i would say heyyyy i don’t think we’re a good match then.

    and when it comes to phone contact and what feels connected enough, we’re not actually a natural match. but that’s the thing about relationships, like rori’s recent post: it’s about choosing to do what keeps your relationship ticking.

    i also think if you honestly think that speaking up for what you need to feel good and connected will hurt your relationship, then why are you with someone who can’t stand to hear you say you have needs?

  40.  #40Millie on April 10, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    Yay Cutie, I’m glad I could help a little ๐Ÿ™‚
    And thank you…I wish I could have a siren party right now!

  41.  #41Starla on April 10, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    his not ensuring that we stay perfectly connected how i like it is not a deal breaker because i already choose him cuz he’s awesome and otherwise treats me like gold. but it does make me feel disconnected. so he knows that, i know that, we both accept that about myself, and it’s all good. it hasn’t been much of a problem since. unfortunately when we get really into these tools and concepts from rori, we undermine and second guess our own needs and how much we deserve to have them met.

    it just never should be that complicated. it can literally just be “hey, man that never calls me. i need to feel you coming at me every day. it’s what i like.” end of story. at first it feels a little funny because you asked him to do it, and it’s “not the same” as him doing it himself, but remember that he is doing what you asked because he wants to be with you and you do deserve to get what you want. let him now how safe you feel being with a man who takes what you say seriously, gush about it, and enjoy ๐Ÿ™‚

  42.  #42Zia on April 10, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    Hi everyone! It feels really weird to post here with not a lot to say other than “things are going well”! I am re-watching all the Modern Siren videos just to keep myself in the flow of gentle receiving feminine energy, but I am finding every day it is coming a lot more naturally than it ever did before. M bought me a new cookware set which was such an incredibly generous and thoughtful gift. The “be surprised” part of the RR mantra is the one I am loving the most. He is always surprising me with how amazing he is ๐Ÿ™‚

  43.  #43Starla on April 10, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    so yah, we accept that i’ll feel disconnected and will take some time to reconnect when he comes back around, and we accept that he isn’t the type to blow up my phone until he gets a hold of me, but we’re in a relationship. there’s a commitment there to honor these unique traits about each other and accept them, and do what we each can to respect each other whenever possible but also not take it to deal breaker territory.

    ok so i’m definitely starting to ramble, but my point is this: tell your exclusive men that you want to hear from them. and if they start to pull away as an extended, DUMP THEM

    because you’re sexy and wonderful and awesome and it would just be silly for you to settle for anything less.

    imagine that, eh? ๐Ÿ™‚

  44.  #44Starla on April 10, 2014 at 10:13 pm

    *as an extended pattern

  45.  #45Starla on April 10, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    wow i feel exposed having typed all that. i just really opened myself up to being misunderstood and subsequently triggering the cr*p out of some women about how things are “supposed” to be.
    but i have my answer when i get that call every single day even though he’s not a phone guy. every single day he is making the choice to please me and keep me. just had to tell him directly that it’s what i, as a unique Starla, need to feel awesome.

  46.  #46Amber on April 10, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    Starla you are awesome!
    What you said rang so true with me. (T) is not a phone guy, and I have been wanting to request a little more attention. I am not a phone person either, but I do like to get a text now and then saying something like, “Hey, thinking of you. Have a good day.” Seriously that’s all I want. and thanks to your posts, that is what I’m going to ask for when I call him after work. He did text me back and asked what he could do to help me feel better. Yay! Updates tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚

  47.  #47Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 12:12 am

    Cutie : )

    Have you had much chance to explore how you feel around B without defining things? Sometimes I get caught up in the masculine energy of men and then when I spend a bit more time with them, not necessarily romantically, I get a better sense of what I’m about. Of course, if it comes to a point where things have to be defined (which feels like pressure to me), I would be very clear. I just wonder, that if by defining things prematurely that that won’t also close down the opportunity for you to explore, not necessarily where things are going with B or A, but with yourself.

  48.  #48Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 12:25 am

    I’m feeling tempted to feel sad about the non-romantic nature of contact when BM and I were in a relationship. How there was almost never a sexy text/message. How he shut down my loving text messages to him. No more of that for me. I recognize the sadness, but I don’t have to bathe in it.

  49.  #49Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 1:17 am

    Hi Cutie. Re your script I would leave out the what do you think at the end. Reason being it kinda suggests you are asking his approval on your choices for your life.

  50.  #50Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 1:17 am

    Hi Cutie. Re your script I would leave out the what do you think at the end. Reason being it kinda suggests you are asking his approval on your choices for your life.

  51.  #51Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 1:39 am

    Amber do you really truly feel bad?

    I was watching a Sex and City rerun when Carrie went to visit a boyfriend in Paris who never seemed to have time for her. When she addressed it finally she told him she was looking for big love. The kind where they spend time together all the time and can’t stand being away from each other. It resonated with me so much. She was not resentful she just knew what she wanted and told him matter of factly that it was obviously not there with him. She also told him that she was would be alright.

    In your case you could only be on the offensive because of what you are thinking, the stories you are telling yourself. Resentment doesn’t just pop out of nowhere. My thinking is that this guy has “nested” because now he has you. He might be feeling confident and good about the relationship so he thinks you don’t need all the reassurance that yes he is there. I would look for a more positive way to share how I am feeling. Also in a time when I feel really connected to him.

    This is a mix of a script that I saved from Mel who used to post here. I am thinking when you meet again and you are hugging and cuddling you melt melt melt and go “aaahh I am such a girl. This feels so good. Girls wants hugs and kisses and cuddles. I hate to admit that I need anything but I do. I want to be smiled at and talked to in real life and I feel disconnected during long silences. Sometimes I feel turned off and I don’t like to feel that way with you. I don’t want to go so long without communication and touches or laughing or fun. And I’m kinda feeling angry at myself for wanting this but meh. The last thing I wanna be is needy or demanding but the girl in me will not respond to logic despite my efforts to convince her otherwise. She wants what she wants, she feels what she feels so I have decided to feel them and express them. So there you have it. I miss you. I guess I am not as independent as I thought.”

  52.  #52Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 1:49 am

    Millie I am here feeling good basking in the presence of you on your pedestal. I feel all sunny, sparkly and bright just visualizing you there in the presence of all those men looking up at yah. You go girl.

  53.  #53Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 2:04 am

    Millie I just read your comment on the other thread and would like to share what I got from it. I heard you making up a story about what he was doing to you and what I saw was him being his masculine self focusing on a conversation that he was having. He might have even propped himself in a position that felt comfortable to him. I don’t think it had anything to do with you or that he consciously choose to ignore you. Even when in a relationship some men don’t like to put anything out there in public until they are totally in and comfortable with it. I believe that was all his masculine self right there that night and he might even have been chatting to that girl as a buddy. Which really you don’t want. What you want is romance which maybe he only feels comfortable doing one on one when you two are alone or when he can focus on you and you only. This time I don’t think his actions were about you at all.

  54.  #54GlowStix on April 11, 2014 at 5:43 am


    I am on the west coast…Except that i’m in bed by 9:30 every night now lol

  55.  #55GlowStix on April 11, 2014 at 5:45 am


    Girl, I just love hearing you talk about your way. You come accross to me so powerfully ๐Ÿ™‚ rock on soul sister!

  56.  #56Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 5:46 am

    @ Veronica – I plan to say it to him too ๐Ÿ™‚

    @ Cutie – it was on the last thread โ€œyou are the man. It is really sexy how you take care of thingsโ€.

    @ Starla – I think its ultra feminine and confident to know what we need and to state them without blame or apology.

  57.  #57GlowStix on April 11, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Tonight I have a date with my mom. She is the best date ever! Bought my ticket, is taking me out for Thai dinner ๐Ÿ™‚ We are going to see my brother’s new band play their first gig. I feel excited because there will be a ton of people there that I know and a ton of men there that I know and i’m REALLY good at letting their energy come my way.
    Most of all, I feel stoked to primp and sexxy myself up, and wear make-up. I so rarely do this. On a daily basis I let myself be natural.
    The man is invited and i’m fairly certain he won’t come. Which I feel relieved about. Sometimes it feels so good to just get out on my own.
    I want to spend the day today relaxing and just being. I will do whatever strikes me as fun in the moment. I’ve been really and truly productive this week ๐Ÿ™‚ So I feel cool to just relaxxxx and go with the flow.

  58.  #58Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Oooh Ninja is buying me new golf clubs! He said the ones I had at the driving range were fine for beginners but I’m getting the hang of it now and deserve really good ones so he’s going to get me fitted. Wow ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m laughing at myself. I would have been offended by that offer a few months ago like I can buy my own damn clubs thank you very much! It feels so much better to jump with joy and excitement at getting a new toy ๐Ÿ™‚

  59.  #59Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Kyla – 56 – It’s strange, I keep wanting to say thank you that you’re going to tell him : )

  60.  #60Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 6:54 am

    Lol Veronica you’re welcome ๐Ÿ˜€

  61.  #61Millie on April 11, 2014 at 6:59 am

    I hear you about making up a story, perhaps she is his buddy, as they have known each other for years. I’m sure he was just being himself and doing what he’d do even if I wasn’t there. You are right in saying it has nothing to do with me. Maybe that is why I felt hurt. It had nothing to do with me. I may of well have not even been there, it would have made no difference to him. At least that is how he made me feel. And that felt very real to me. Being ignored felt very real to me. Being treated like we aren’t close, like I thought we were felt very real to me. I can’t deny how I felt and what I saw. It had nothing to do with me, and perhaps that is the most hurtful part of it.

    Anyway, thank you for reveling in my pedestal with me ๐Ÿ™‚ I just feel really done with putting this guy on a pedestal…after how he has made me feel.

  62.  #62Cutie on April 11, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Yay for remembering that YOU are the prize! I feel turned off by men who don’t treat me like a prize. And that feels healthy : )

  63.  #63Cutie on April 11, 2014 at 7:53 am

    FW – thanks so much for the advice on my script! As I’ve had a bit more time to process the situation, I’m now leaning more toward no script at all.

    I’m just going to “live my boundary” with B by keeping things on a friendship level with him – no dates or sexual activity, just light flirting and getting to know him.

    I’ll just let B know I feel better getting to know him as friends right now if he pushes for anything more.

    If he asks why, then I’ll tell him it’s because I’m going out on dates with A, who is one of his acquaintances, so it doesn’t feel right to get past friendship as long as that’s going on.

    I’m still open to more feedback – thanks, ladies!

  64.  #64GlowStix on April 11, 2014 at 8:07 am


    That approach sounds good to me! It looks natural and organic. Letting things unfold as they will and taking it moment by moment.

  65.  #65Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 8:35 am

    “after how he has made me feel.”

    Millie these are the kinds of words I believe tell us about ourselves. For it is kind of “a rush for the victim position” as I have learned and accepted from Gay and Katie Hendricks. People only have as much power over us as we give them.

    It also reminds me of a seminar I was a part of some years ago. A woman was sharing about her life and was talking about her husband who had moved on with his life. He had remarried and had been coming over to be with his kids. The way she shared it was saying he was making her feel less than because he was showing off his expensive vehicle and lifestyle. The rest of us in the room heard what she was not hearing because she was focussed on and convinced about what the man was doing.

    Strangely when that internal shift occurs where we take responsibility for the things that happen in our lives these types of stories change.

    I understand though that until you get to the place where you are convinced that nobody has the power “to make you” feel or do anything you will see things the way you see things. I do believe that the fact that you pulled him off his pedestal and set yourself up there even higher is an indication that your level of awareness has shifted.

  66.  #66Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Starla I enjoyed reading that. It felt truly in the moment and organic.

  67.  #67Syreena on April 11, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Other peoples actions do have an effect on how we feel.
    So if someones actions of ignoring you, giving you the cold shoulder, not acknowledging you made you feel bad that is how those actions made you feel.
    Other people are not responsible for taking care of our feelings though. We are. I say well done for being true to yourself and acknowledging this makes you feel bad.
    The loving action would be to take care of yourself, comfort yourself and in private let go and cry until you felt relief. Then off your feel good list go and do something that made you feel good. Then ask yourself the question do you want someone who does that in your life? Do you think they are worth your time? Feel what you feel, move away if it’s bad and do something to take care of yourself that makes you feel good.

  68.  #68Shannon P. on April 11, 2014 at 9:22 am

    So K and I are now homeless. We’re staying at a shelter. I’m feeling both horrible, and yet also good. It really feels like a new start and as ugh as it all is… it’s also very liberating.

    I really want nothing more to do with him, but I have no choice. He moved his girlfriend in the night he screamed at K and me to get out.

    I wasn’t all all Rori-esque or sireny in response to that. I did use some I feel messages but I also told him that now I understood why he kept trying to get me to abandon K, he already had my replacement standing by… and good effing luck with that.

    On the other hand, I now feel completely ready to fight tooth, claw, and nail to keep him from getting equal custody of her. I don’t want her neglected!

    Anyway, so I’m at the library and may check in now and again, but not a lot.

    Terrifying… exciting… painful times.

    We’ll be okay, though. I’ve done this before, many moons ago. I know how it ends–it will be fine. ๐Ÿ™‚ So many have stepped up to help! It’s fabulous!

  69.  #69Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 9:39 am

    I’m feeling elated and my heart is wrapped in a warm blanket of joy. Ninja brought up introducing our kids as he has his girls this wkd. He said ‘If its too soon for you I understand but I have been so happy”. I said it felt awesome to hear that and it would feel cool to do something relaxed with them. He suggested a hike and lunch tomorrow and said “I would feel comfortable and very happy to introduce them. I really am feeling so good about this relationship and my feelings for you. I can’t predict the future but I know how I feel now”. Oh my gosh I’m feeling so happy and squishy. I feel amazed and proud too that I have no urge to push, pull or run from this man.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Ninja is really showing up like a man who is really ready to pairbond

  71.  #71Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Shannon P you go girl. Your story reminded me of Sasha Xarrian. You just never know how this experience might push you toward success.

  72.  #72Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 10:03 am

    My mind is racing. I’m in a relationship? I’m so used to first dates and guys that disappear or make me say no thank you. We’re going to have a bbq tomorrow. When did the snow melt? It was snowing here 4 days ago! I feel like I’ve slipped into another reality. Only 3 weeks ago I felt miserable with every aspect of my life. I feel brand new. I really like where things are going! I’ve 2 parties to go to tomorrow night, the spa day Sunday and I booked a test drive to buy a sexy new car Monday with my promotion money. Life is suddenly freakin awesome!

  73.  #73Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 10:12 am

    I know FW and I’m not feeling terrified or suffocated. He’s just there smiling at me making all these awesome offers and I’m like yes yes yes thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  74.  #74Millie on April 11, 2014 at 10:15 am

    Feminine woman–your comment about victim mentality really triggered me because I am someone that takes responsibility for my actions and choices. I am not someone that plays the victim card. He acted how he did. I did not feel good. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Yes I had expectations of how he would treat me and reacted by calling him a jerk when those expectations were not met. So I am at fault for expecting to be treated a certain way. More often than not I blame myself more than necessary. I do not see myself as a victim. He acted. I felt. How is that being a victim?

  75.  #75Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 10:41 am

    “So I am at fault for expecting to be treated a certain way”.

    Not at fault at all. You want what you want. The key is in finding a way to share that so others can hear you and be willing to give it to you. Is my thinking.

    The thoughts around the experience is what create the feelings. If there were no expectations then there likely would be no feelings.

    We all expect to be treated well and should require it. When that does not happen we have a choice how to act.

  76.  #76Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Millie it feels so good hearing that you’ve knocked Mechanic off the pedestal and taken your rightful place on it. Its awesome awareness when we start to feel turned off when their energy isn’t coming at us in a yummy feeling romantic interest sort of way. Yay for you! Make space for the better-for-you men to catch your attention!

    I feel triggered when you mention Mechanic (thank you!) as it reminds me of the icky, insecure feelings I had with DrWho. Felt so good when I finally let him go from my over-thinking head and realised that the feelings he triggered in me were the fearful ‘I’m not good enough’ feeling ones and that I needed to heal.

  77.  #77Cutie on April 11, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Thank you, GlowStix! Feels so nice to have this support!

  78.  #78Liquid Light on April 11, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Shannon P

    OMG, that’s awful. I am so sorry for you and your child. Please hang in there. Do you have friends or family that you can turn to for help and support? Even just for a kind encouraging word. Of course, we are here for you. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. I’m worried about you.

    Big hugs!


  79.  #79Liquid Light on April 11, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Bravo Millie!!! Bravo Kyla!!!! You ladies rock!!!!!!!

  80.  #80Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 10:54 am

    “the icky, insecure feelings I had with DrWho”

    And when we bring things back to ourselves we realize what these feelings are trying to communicate to us. Many times we realize we are making others responsible for giving us what we can give ourselves. That is the good feelings.

    The icky feelings can also show us that we are not getting what we need and might be looking for what we need from people who are not capable of giving to us.

  81.  #81Azure Blu on April 11, 2014 at 10:58 am

    I agree with Kyla… I feel so empowered to hear you say you have leaned WAY BACK and are giving YOURSELF alll the LUV!!

    I feel warm hearing about your relationship with your Mom and that she is such a wise, loving presence in your life!!

    I see you up on that pedestal where you have put YOURSELF. ;->

    That is how I felt when I finally was able to stop (after 2 yrs) taking crumbs from BK and write him a letter saying never to contact me again!! I still feel like an eagle souring in the blu sky when I think about it.

  82.  #82Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Yes the icky feelings are wonderful attelling me whats going on inside even when my head is trying to convince me otherwise ๐Ÿ™‚

  83.  #83Azure Blu on April 11, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    FW… YES!!! that we can give LUV to ourselves… that’s the lesson that has been focusing on me lately… Mmmm… now that I luv my feelings… I can also luv me… :->

  84.  #84Azure Blu on April 11, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Shannon P. 68,
    I feel sad that yu and yur daughter do not have a home…but glad that you are in a shelter… you sound like yu are seeing the positive in this… but how Frightening to be put out on the door step… You mention many have stepped up to help. I feel glad to know you have found support in the VERY difficult time for you and K. (((HUGS)))

  85.  #85Liquid Light on April 11, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Glowstix 57 sounds awesome!!!

  86.  #86Millie on April 11, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Feminine woman 80
    This is a great comment! I am starting to feel less anger and blame at him and listen to what those feelings are telling me about myself. The wounds thst need healing. The areas of myself that need to be stronger. The emotional muscles and communication I need to strengthen. I’m so glad I didn’t say anything to him regarding that night.

  87.  #87Millie on April 11, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Shannon P. What strength you have!!!!! You can do this! My heart goes out to you.

  88.  #88Millie on April 11, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Azure thank you!!!

  89.  #89Millie on April 11, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Syreena 67
    Thank you for this ….. You are so very right ๐Ÿ™‚
    I feel better not dumping my feelings on him and taking care of them myself.

  90.  #90Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    FW – 80 – “The icky feelings can also show us that we are not getting what we need and might be looking for what we need from people who are not capable of giving to us.”

    I feel like applauding. This is where I’m at right now – and what a relief! Yes, like I can finally close the door on my stuff with BM and BM-like men.

  91.  #91Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    (((Shannon and K))) I know this will work out for you and I feel so happy now that you’re out of that toxic home and can think clearly without the anxiety of what mood he will be in next. Things are going to happen for you so fast. You are so beautifully strong and embody that mama bear loving spirit to protect you and your child. Sending you love and keeping you in my thoughts xxoo

  92.  #92Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    I’m not feeling good about meeting BearCD – there’s something too casual about the arrangement. I’m realising that I want romantic dates, out in the open ‘I like you romantically’ dates. And this is new too. I’ll go and see what comes of it, but…ugh. Maybe I should just call dates ‘siren practice’ from now on.

  93.  #93Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Hm and my friend who was supposed to help me with my project tomorrow hasn’t confirmed where to meet and I asked on Wednesday – I do not like last minute confirmation juggling. I really like that I’m being so clear with myself about what I like and don’t like.

  94.  #94Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Shannon – wow, I admire your strength, K is blessed. I hope we get to hear from you soon and that you and K find ‘home’.

  95.  #95GlowStix on April 11, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    It’s been confirmed…The man is working OT tonorrow morning so he’s staying in tonight. I’m really really looking forward to getting out. Although i’m not feeling well at the moment, blech-barfff. I ate fast food for the first time in quite a while so hopefully that should pass by the time I go out.
    Jeez…It’s not even a “treat” anymore. It didn’t even taste that good :-/ not worth the yuck belly.

  96.  #96Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I keep thinking that I’ve been keeping myself back. I want to believe that I’ll expand my being to what it should be, but I feel lacking at the thought of it. Yes, like I’ve cut myself too little room to roam around in.

  97.  #97Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    They are siren practice Veronica! No expectations and you can experiment with any and all of the tools with whoever shows up. For me, dating is exploring what I really want and building a loving relationship with myself in the presence of everyone around me.

    Tell him if it feels too friend-zoney and you are wanting old fashioned romance! Maybe he can’t give it but you’ve put that request out there for someone else to step in!

  98.  #98Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    So many angel-sirens on this blog – and I feel so thankful.

  99.  #99Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Veronica casual dating is okay. It gives you the space to practice upping your skills with as many men as you choose without the pressure of exclusivity and physicality.

  100.  #100Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Kyla -95 – Yes, it is. My need for that warm, comforting loving presence has been difficult to reconcile with dating without expectation. But I love what you said about building a loving relationship with yourself in the presence of others – how exquisitely beautiful and powerful. And to be so palpably in love with myself – that would be something really great, makes me want to believe in an exciting, vibrant future. (It will be the secret to the twinkle in my eye when I’m old.)

    What you suggested feels challenging, but I want to try. Thank you!

  101.  #101Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    FW -97 – I feel safe reading this, like you’re a sister that just gave me a big hug.

  102.  #102Veronica on April 11, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Off to sleep, thank you Kyla and FW, I feel peaceful xo

  103.  #103Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    In case any sirens are Luna fanatics like me, there’s the first of 4 blood moons this year on Monday night with a clear view from anywhere in North/South America and you will see Mars as a bright red star beside it. Happy sky gazing and happy weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

  104.  #104Syreena on April 11, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Shannon P Big hugs to you both. You both deserve better.

  105.  #105Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Hello beautiful ladies! Stopping by to tell you I’ve missed you and I’ve been thinking of you. I was just spending time over at Dominique’s blog as well…it’s all making me smile tonight. ๐Ÿ™‚

    FW: I did want to leave you a specific message today. I don’t know if it means anything but I had a dream about you last night and I wanted to share with you. In my dream, you were meditating with me and others in the meditation room at my spa (not sure who all was there but there were others in the room) and you had on a long dress that was flowing out behind you. You were in the lotus position but I noticed you were levitating and you had ballet slippers on and I thought (without judgement…just a thought) “I wonder why she’s meditating in ballet slippers and not bare feet” then, as if I said it out loud instead of in my head, you said “because I’m more comfortable that way” and I thought “Hmmm…maybe I should try it sometime”. Then, a man who was standing in the corner says “Why do you even care? Why would YOU want to try it? Can’t you just leave that to her?” and I got sooooo annoyed with him for interrupting my thoughts and listening in (the same thing you just did but for some reason I wasn’t annoyed at all when you did it) and I LOST IT on him. I can’t remember what I said but I know it was really bad and he just stood there looking shocked as could be but he didn’t say anything else. All the while, you were just floating there like some kind of goddess with a peaceful smile on your face and your ballet slippers glowing (as in really glowing…like they had a halo or something around them).

    No idea what that all means, but in my dreams, you can levitate, your ballet slippers glow and you are at peace. Oh…and you and some other man can read my thoughts. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hope all is well (exceptionally well) with each and every single one of you beautiful ladies!!

    Much Love,

  106.  #106Femininewoman on April 11, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Hey Mercedes it feels great to see you. Thanks for sharing that. What I got from that is I have supernatural powers. I am gonna practice believing that.

  107.  #107Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Haha! I’ll work on believing that about you too FW!! Visions of you floating are going through my head right now! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hope you are well sweet lady! It feels great to see you too!!!…Even though I had to make up what you look like…lol – and sorry…I can’t remember what your face looked like in my dream…I only remember the words, the floating, mind reading, dress and glowing slippers…

    Much Love,

  108.  #108Andrea on April 11, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Oh thank you Sirens… came on the blog this evening feeling frustrated. I’ve had offers all week to be taken out tonight. Tonight comes and…. crickets…

    I got boring text from Joe this morning with no commitment. Boring text from Cowboy this morning with no commitment. And then my best guy friend called me, wants to take me to dinner, and go hear a band tonight. (look how silly I am… I think “bleh” to my good guy friend because I’m feeling romantic and flirty and horny, and when I’m with him I feel stuck. He and I have no sexual chemistry at all, and when I’m with him I can’t flirt with other men.)

    So…. I’ve been pouting. Can you believe it?? Wow, what a spoiled girlie I am… heehee…

    After reading all of your posts I feel lovely sirene practice mode again. I put on my little black skirt and am going out with my best guy friend and romance myself. (see what happens)

  109.  #109ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    I feel sad … i have stopped initiating yet i have not heard anything from my bf if i can even call him that anymore … i frel like crying and so alone.

  110.  #110Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    I feel a little awkward being here tonight but here i am and I also feel compelled to write comments so…here I am. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Andrea: This made me smile…just LOVE the image it brought up for me: “I put on my little black skirt and am going out with my best guy friend and romance myself. ”

    ArabianLove: I don’t want you to feel alone. I know I don’t know your story right now so I can’t probably really help much but I have a hug for you and I have a strong desire to know you are going to put on some lovely music, make yourself a spa bath (hint: sea salt or epsom salt and baking soda with scented oil is AMAZING), pour yourself a glass of wine or brew some hot tea, light a couple of candles and relax with visions of you at a luxurious spa with men being the furthest thing from your mind. Conjure up those images of “I have absolutely zero room for any man today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Today I am pampering myself. I’ll think of him tomorrow.” Maybe you won’t feel so lonely if you can enjoy your own company just for tonight…just for tonight…enjoy the experience of being with YOU.

    Much Love,

  111.  #111ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    Than you Mercedes ๐Ÿ™‚ ! I will try that … love epsom salt baths aaaww !

  112.  #112Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    ArabianLove: Me too!!! And the baking soda makes it feel sooooo soft!!! Mmmmm….I kinda feel like doing that too…

    Much Love,

  113.  #113Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Ooh…I just saw this and I LOVE it…had to share (for those of us who are feeling less than “flawless” today):

    “If you have a life thatโ€™s full of laughterโ€”you are going to have wrinkles.

    If you play, enjoy and spend time outdoors, youโ€™re going to freckle.

    If you live your life passionately, itโ€™s going to show.

    If you go through all of those things that carve away the bullshit and leave you raw and excellent and trueโ€”you arenโ€™t going to have an expressionless, lineless photoshoppedface.

    You will be real.

    Thatโ€™s what makes you beautiful.”

    Much Love,

  114.  #114ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    I just feel so in limbo waiting for my bf to finish his degree and not having any time for me at all but i dont want to pressure him into spending time with me and attacking him when he doesnt but this waiting for him to row the boat is making me very insecure …. and i ruined my last relationship like this ….yet when i think about how we started spending less time together it was when i started chasing hmmm… in every relationship whe. I started making demands guys would withdraw a bit … and when they witbdrew as much as my current bf has its bc it was over soo thats what im thinking… well at least i had three paramedics looki g at me today and when i drove by them one waved loool

  115.  #115ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    I love that mercedes !!!! … about how much baking soda do u add ?

  116.  #116Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    Fill your life ArabianLove…fill you life with love and happiness and laughter and joy. “Waiting” for him to finish his degree does not make for a happy you. Fill your life…and he (or someone else who belongs with you) will want to be a part of it and he will seek you out. You won’t have to wait. Waiting lasts forever. And it doesn’t feel good. Fill your life up. It’s YOUR life after all…. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  117.  #117Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    I use anywhere from one to two cups. The more you use the softer you feel. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  118.  #118ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    ๐Ÿ™‚ … do you think i should go back on a dating site to have other men take me out … hmmm im so sad to have been home 2 friday nights in a row … but i gave him my word of being exclusive … he finishes in 2 weeks ๐Ÿ™

  119.  #119ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    It certainly feels good to have someone to talk to tonight … thats not pressuring me about giving him an ultimatum ๐Ÿ™‚

  120.  #120ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 5:45 pm

    Yes it is my life ๐Ÿ™‚ afterall :-)!!!

  121.  #121Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    ArabianLove: I don’t know if you should date or go on a dating site or not. If you told him you’re exclusive then I would say you’re either exclusive or you need to have that “No Girlfriend Speech” Rori talks about. If it were me, and it was a matter of two weeks, I would enjoy MYSELF knowing that I need to be patient with him and give him this time and then see what happens when he’s finished up. Lean back, give him space (and I know you are but I mean with a great vibe because you know you have two full weeks to pamper and take care of yourself) and then see what happens and see how you feel then.

    The thing about not contacting, etc is that if your vibe is that of being lonely and longing for him…he can probably “feel” that. BUT…if it is of really taking this time away to evaluate YOU and what YOU want and to pamper yourself and make yourself feel amazing and really take care of yourself…he can most likely “feel” that too. Which kind of feeling would you want him to get from you if it’s true and he actually CAN feel you right now? Would you want him to know you are lonely and needy so he either comes to you because he feels sorry for you or he pulls further away because he doesn’t want to deal with it…OR…would you want him to feel you all relaxed and calm and happy and at peace so he comes to you because he wants that feeling for himself too?

    I can’t tell you whether or not to start dating other men. Personally, I am a STRONG proponent of cding. BUT…I can feel good about telling you that how you feel when you are away from him will (and I don’t really know how it works) be noticed. If not by him then certainly by everyone else around you. ๐Ÿ™‚ And it feels very, very powerful, yummy and amazing!!

    I’ll give you a perfect example. J is not feeling well tonight. He’s completely zoned out in front of the television playing a video game and blowing his nose. I’m in the other room chatting with you, playing on Facebook, etc. Enjoying my evening but not near him (which is not something he’s used to but it is what feels right to me right now). He has come in here no less than six times to kiss me on the cheek, apologize for being a “poop” (as he calls it), pour me some more wine and twice he’s told me he misses me (I’m literally one room over) and that he wishes he felt better so we could do something together. He wants this feeling I have right now. BUT…I wouldn’t have the same vibe if I was in there with him and the video game. I wouldn’t feel sooooo good every time he comes to me because…well…I would be sitting right there and he wouldn’t have to come to me. He wouldn’t have the chance to “miss me” and I wouldn’t be doing what I want to do right now. So…here I am…feeling great…talking to you…and getting his attention. That is what will happen for you…when and only when…your vibe shifts to knowing that YOU are taking care of YOU. You’ll become a magnet for the one you are supposed to be with.

    Much Love,

  122.  #122Kyla on April 11, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    ArabianLove – its only 2 weeks! In every relationship there will be times when we need to focus our attention on something that’s really important to us. I wouldn’t start dating if you agreed to exclusivity, not right now. Use your time and energy for your passions and start a creative project or join something inspiring and fun. Life is not about waiting for one person to shine their attention on you. Your focus is too narrow, open it up! Have some play time and fill yourself up with all the beauty and love that’s all around you that you aren’t paying attention to. Flirt with life; see, hear, taste, smell and FEEL everything around you, dance with your broom, sing, paint a picture, try a new hairstyle, eat something scrumptious, belly laugh with your favorite comedy, wear something that feels sexy. C’mon girl make it all about you and what makes your heart soar ๐Ÿ™‚

  123.  #123Mercedes on April 11, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Actually…Dominique’s latest article is about EXACTLY what I’m talking about right now.

    Much Love,

  124.  #124Millie on April 11, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Kyla—I loved reading how amazing life is for you right now! Yay congratulations

  125.  #125ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Fantastic Mercedes ๐Ÿ™‚ I wil keep working at it ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thank you for taking your time and helping me out ๐Ÿ™‚ !!!

  126.  #126ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Hahahhaa I loved reading what you wrote Kyla … cmon girl mame it all about you !!! Love it !

  127.  #127ArabianLove on April 11, 2014 at 7:39 pm


  128.  #128Cรฉcilia on April 11, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    I just came across this quote on Awakening Women’s Institution’s page on facebook… oohhh it’s resonating with me ๐Ÿ™‚

    “The truth about intimate relationships is that they can never be any better than our relationship with ourselves.”

    ~ James Hollis

  129.  #129Indigo on April 12, 2014 at 4:43 am

    I really miss this feminine community and would love your feedback, it would be good to hear women’s “voices”.

    I’ve been dating Blue for about a month… exclusively, which is not really what I wanted, but here where I live it’s a lot more difficult culturally to date several men at once, so I kind of gave into it.

    Anyway, Blue and I were close friends before. We had an absolutely wonderful friendship. We loved each other’s company, laughed and giggled a lot, were in contact most days. I’ve always known I wasn’t in love with him, but I *loved* being with him, I found it very easy and comfortable and comforting. He was always doing things for me which made me feel special. So, we decided to give dating “a shot”.

    It was pretty lovely the first week or two, until I realized “whoah, this guy has a lot of female friends”, one of whom, who is a close friend of his, he used to be in love with and has a little bit of a past with. It had never bothered me before when we were friends, but all of a sudden, it bothered me. Now that we were dating, all of a sudden I couldn’t really stand the thought of all these female friends of his.

    I shared with him how I felt but he was not receptive to changing anything, except maybe the frequency with which he saw his friends. Anyway, he is a guy who makes an effort and cares about me a lot, I have no doubt, yet as the weeks went by it wasn’t really enough. I know I probably built up expectations in my mind about what it would be like when we were together, but I started to see a side to him that I found difficult, and which made me feel shakey, insecure, needy even.

    His guard was up in terms of falling in love with me, he admitted this to me, and I could feel this lack of connection. Any time I tried to discuss something with him (and I’m aware maybe my language and feeling messages weren’t perfect but I did try hard) he started to get defensive, closed off, he would leave in a huff, pull away from me. He started to get grumpy and sarcastic. It made me very scared and it made me wonder if we could ever connect heart to heart, if that was even possible, and I started to long for the easy days of our friendship.

    In little ways I could also see him not making as much effort – suddenly he didn’t make coffee for me in the morning or carry my bag to the car, and suddenly I realized he was not a “big effort” kind of guy – he’d never really taken me on fancy dates, and now the little things were slipping too.

    It all made me unhappy, and it made me think, as lovely as he is, I think maybe he is more suited to being my friend. I don’t think he is willing to make the effort I would like. This morning I told him I felt we were better suited to being friends because I needed to feel more treasured and more of an effort, and he did not really fight me on this. I don’t get the deep down feeling he’s willing to really change or step up. I don’t know, I felt a bit hurt and sad but also a bit relieved.

    Sirens, please weigh in?

  130.  #130LoveAlways on April 12, 2014 at 4:48 am

    Thank you Helena! I feel better and understand more. I will contact you on your web page. I feel supported <3

  131.  #131Femininewoman on April 12, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Indigo what are your dealbreakers?

  132.  #132Femininewoman on April 12, 2014 at 5:04 am

    Why would you want him to fight with you?

    What have you done to sneak behind his armour? Or make him feel safe enough to take his guard down?

  133.  #133Emerson on April 12, 2014 at 5:43 am

    I have an entire weekend off! I am feeling so happy! I am going to spend a day gettin beautified!

    This week has been good overall…my life right now is work work work! Which is ok I feel grateful for the opportunity.

    I do feel that I need some cding time and that’s what I intend to do this weekend! I don’t have any dates lined up I’m just going to cd everyone I come across while cding myself!

    I’m going to wear something cute and flowy!
    My friends are all so busy these days and I treasure them but I want to make new friends. Maybe I will do a meet up group soon!

  134.  #134Kyla on April 12, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Indigo what stood out to me is he admits he’s guarded from falling in love. That doesn’t feel like what I’d need from an exclusive relationship, it sounds more like casual dating or friendship.

    Also his having female friends is something you were aware of and you have to accept him as he is. I’d guess the reason its bothering you now is that you feel only friendship coming from him too with the lack of romantic, step up behaviour and it doesn’t make what you have with him feel special.

    When I met R we were in a country that makes CDing difficult too. I CDd by planning dates with my friends, family and hobbies. It kept my energy on my life and lessened my focus on him. Personally I’d let Blue go if you are not getting what you need to be exclusive. But you can still use your tools to go deep into what you are feeling and for open communication here.

  135.  #135Emerson on April 12, 2014 at 7:09 am

    119 Mercedes this is so what I needed to read right now. What a great reminder! I’m going to go sit in a coffee shop today after getting my nails done and read a book. I may even stop by a used bookstore in the area and browse. I love doing that! I need to take care of me and lose this piney feeling I have for cutecityCD !!!
    We had such a great connection and I want it back.
    I know he was going through some changes not of my concern really, but I need to give him space and either he will come back or he won’t.

  136.  #136Emerson on April 12, 2014 at 7:11 am

    I want my vibe to be content and happy not needy and lonely!

  137.  #137Indigo on April 12, 2014 at 8:38 am

    FW 129,

    I’ve never given intensive thought to my dealbreakers… but I do know that factors and situations which trigger significant discomfort in terms of my sensitivity end up being dealbreakers in all my relationships, including friendships… because involuntarily I end up pulling away from that person simply because it’s such a primal need for me to feel comfortable.

    It was strange that factors which didn’t trigger that discomfort at all whilst we were friends, such as the female friends and the neglecting of the smaller signs of effort, did in quite a sudden way when we started to become romantically involved.

  138.  #138Indigo on April 12, 2014 at 8:41 am

    FW 130,

    I was hoping he’d fight in some way to hold onto the relationship, promise to start making more effort or open up to me a bit more.

    Admittedly, I haven’t been in the best place to sneak past his defences because I’ve felt triggered, and as Dominique says, bring things back to you… I am fully aware that this is about my own comfort level and not anything he’s done “wrong”. I could have accepted him just as he was but that was difficult because I’ve felt on the fence about whether I truly wanted to be there.

  139.  #139Indigo on April 12, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Kyla 132,

    Thank you for your thoughtful response, it felt good and wise and resonated with me.

    As I thought about it, I realized someone who was taking things very slowly emotionally and guarded from falling in love was *not* what I needed for an exclusive relationship. Being with him so much of the time was causing me anxiety because I could sense the “superficial” nature of what we were doing. It felt more like friends, as you put it. And if that was the case, to be honest I’d have rather spent a good chunk of that time doing other things, not thinking about it all and it not sitting quite right when I was with him. What this relationship lacked for me was comfort and connection…

    And you’re right, the reason I couldn’t just be happy and enjoy, as he wanted me to, was because it didn’t feel special. As you say, I would need to accept the fact that he has female friends as I knew that going into it… it just felt like a big ask without the emotional connection I was looking for. Accepting him just as he was was easy for me when we were not dating exclusively, and I didn’t like that I had suddenly become anxious.

    It has been a very enlightening experience for me, and I did decide to let him go as my boyfriend, and rather accept what he had to offer me as my friend, because I couldn’t bear fighting with him and feeling unhappy. I felt hurt and sad, but I could feel my happiness returning to me in spades.

  140.  #140Tam on April 12, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Indigo…I am going to weigh in here. I am mostly reading and not commenting these days, but what you described about the female friends is something that triggers me too, and I do realise that is my problem. However, I am not willing to be in a committed relationship with someone who has emotional ties to an ex gf, or several women that he meets when I am not around. I dated someone for 6 months who was fully intent to be the hero for his ex rather than me, since she was needy and had no friends. He told me I must understand her situation. Lol. She is in a far better situation than me, and I refused to make another woman’s problems my problems. I also got stood up because her cats needed feeding – and it was really the end. Otherwise we were very well suited. I now have a dealbreaker there, and I really wouldn’t consider dating a guy with a lot of female friends or a ‘harem’ either.
    Been there and done that also (curly).
    Recently I met someone, who admitted to me that he had recently, as he was single, reconnected with some female friends and ex gf’s…so I asked him how it would be if we were dating exclusively, since I have also a lot of man-friends. Well, he did not like it and he actually said that when he is in a relationship, he would not cultivate female friends or indeed go on ‘dates’ like dinner, drinks or lunch alone with them. He also said that he believes most men *like* their female friends in other ways….and he doesn’t trust a man’s motive for wanting to be friends with a woman. Lol. So there it is, and I agre. If we were to move towards a relationship, I too would not ‘date’ my male friends because I honestly think this undermines a relationship…even unwanted, I might talk to them about things that go wrong or whatever, and that I should be sortin out with my partner, or fleeing problems to have a good time with them.
    Mostly, I liked that he said it’s not appropriate for him or his future partner….he has plenty of guy-friends and couple friends that he can socialise with. I liked that. I think most alpha males are like this and the female friends are only there for ego strokes….lol

  141.  #141Tam on April 12, 2014 at 9:01 am

    What I was trying to say was you made the right decision, because what feels uncomfortable early on, and he is not willing to change his MO – it wouldn’t work. Onwardsa nd upwards

  142.  #142Tam on April 12, 2014 at 9:04 am

    136 – that is exactly how I felt about my 6 month guy. When I told him my dealbreakers, he said he felt sad and bla, but unwilling to fight for the relationship or look for a compromise. I had my answer right there: next.

  143.  #143Indigo on April 12, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Tam, so nice to see you back here ๐Ÿ™‚

    What you described in 138 was exactly what I felt.

    As a female friend I’ve always instinctively backed off, both from my guy friends when I was in a relationship, and when they were in a relationship, and I guess it feels triggering to me when a guy insists on maintaining whatever level of closeness with one or more of his female friends. Blue does have a “harem” of female friends (people even joke about it) and it never felt off to me until I started dating him, but I simply could not get comfortable as long as he was not willing to connect to my feelings on the matter. My friends are important to me, but I would never put them above my relationship… and in this our values were different.

    His defensiveness, and I guess “defeatedness” did not work for me either.

    I laughed when I read your description of being stood up because your man’s ex’s cats needed feeding… Blue would not go quite to this extreme, but one or two of his female friends are borderline in this way, I get a bit of a “needy” vibe. Anyway, I agree.

    Thank you for your supportive comments ๐Ÿ™‚ I agree I think I did the right thing in ultimately letting him go.

  144.  #144Tam on April 12, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Yes you did ๐Ÿ™‚

  145.  #145Veronica on April 12, 2014 at 9:52 am


    I feel nervous about posting because I don’t want to become advice-y. For me, and this has happened lately, I’ve noticed that if a man has many female friends and questionable connections to exes, then I begin to doubt his capacity for a real relationship. I’m not sure, it’s as though those connections are ways to escape the intimacy a really tuned-in relationship needs. I do have male friends, but there is no way that my interaction (which is quite sparse) with them even remotely comes close to what a romantic interaction is for me; and I can’t be friends with someone I have feelings for. I’m not keeping my guy friends hanging around and I’m certainly not spending inordinate amounts of time with them – I have other things to do that I find very rewarding in themselves. (But I’m not a social butterfly, so I guess that might have a bearing on the situation.)

  146.  #146Veronica on April 12, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Oh I almost forgot.


    In Jo’burg, I’ve heard the term ‘courting’ being used – it means something different, it refers to the period before people decide to be in a relationship – they date, see each other etc. and then decide. There isn’t any mention of courting exclusively that I can recall.

  147.  #147Helena Hart on April 12, 2014 at 10:46 am

    LoveAlways – 128 – Great!! Looking forward to talking more about it with you.

    If anyone else has questions, feel free to contact me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love, Helena

  148.  #148Femininewoman on April 12, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Indigo I have a friend who had close female friends. His gf required that he gave up one in particular which he agreed to do. No matter how much time he spent with her she became increasingly insecure until she became jealous. She told him there were incompatible so he moved on. Then she started hounding him.

    You want what you want but most times it feels better when its the guy’s idea and he does it.

    Why would a man fight for you when he already has you? He had you as a friend. Now he has you as a partner.

  149.  #149Mercedes on April 12, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Emerson…I’m so happy my words resonated with you! Hope you have been well!!! I love the feeling that even the visual of a woman taking care of herself brings to me…and your plans for doing just that are very lovely indeed!!

    Indigo….It’s been a long time since we spoke but I do want to say, I think you did beautifully!!

    Much Love,

  150.  #150Dominique on April 12, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Indigo – 127 – There’s not really anything to say here. You have this. You went with your feelings (which I think we’re spot on), and you took care of yourself.

    So YAY you!!!


  151.  #151Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    yes, ditto what Dominique said. And taking care of yourself and your needs shows him that you respect yourself. And that will just make him respect you even more!

  152.  #152Mercedes on April 12, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I’ve been saying it all day but….HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOMINIQUE!!! My beautiful friend!!!

    Much Love,

  153.  #153Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Happy Birthday Dominique!!!

  154.  #154Zara on April 12, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Little diurnal serenate
    Translated from Silvio Rodriguez

    I live in a liberated country,
    Which only can be liberated,
    On this earth, in this instant
    And I feel happy because I feel gigantic.

    I love a fair maiden
    Whom I love and loves me
    Without expecting a thing
    Or almost nothing,
    Which is not the same
    But it’s all equal.

    And if this was not enough
    I have my singing
    Which little by little
    I grind and rehearse,
    As I inhabite the time,
    As it fits a woken man to do.

    I feel happy
    I am a happy man
    And I want the dead casualties of my happiness
    To forgive me for this day.


  155.  #155Dominique on April 12, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you Miss M ๐Ÿ™‚

    And Liquid Light ๐Ÿ™‚


  156.  #156Veronica on April 12, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    BearCD just asked to make reservations at a restaurant because the weather might be bad tomorrow and apologised for flip-flopping. Now I’m more interested in him, like he cares about our meeting up, I like the thinking ahead. Ooh I really like that : )

  157.  #157Veronica on April 12, 2014 at 12:46 pm


    Happy and blessed birthday to you xo

  158.  #158Kyla on April 12, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Awesome Indigo, it feels so so good hearing that you did what felt right. That relieved feeling says it all. You are inspiring.

  159.  #159Kyla on April 12, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Happy Birthday Dominique! xxoo

  160.  #160Kyla on April 12, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Well today was fun and I felt really comfortable and had a lot of giggles. It felt good seeing him with his kids and taking care of all of us ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve got to get into my doing energy again now and get some laundry done so I can drop my kids to my parents and go party hopping tonight lol. I’ve a 30th party and a girls night and the 2 groups don’t like each other so part of me feels like blowing them both off and having a me night but I’m sure I will have fun once I get out.

  161.  #161Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I went out with a gal pal last night and had a great time. We met an older gentleman who was such a trip. He lives in Australia, owns a gallery there, and has done really well in real estate investment. He was so easy going and fun. Not creepy like a lot of older guys can be. He’s got a place in New Orleans too, he says he’ll leave the keys for us when we want to visit! My friend calls him our sponsor. Hahahahaha!!!

  162.  #162Kim on April 12, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Hello, I am new to this program and am really enjoying it. Here is my dilema. A man at my church has been showing a lot of interest in me for about a year. We have been what my friend calls “family” dating where we both go places with our kids. Recently he has been asking me to meet with him regularly to talk about church business. We are both in ministry. The first time it was all business, last time mostly personal. He really opened up to me and said that he has dated in the past for wrong reasons and has done a lot of work on himself and is about ready for a relationship. I kind of played hard to get last week and slipped out after a large meeting at church and he called me right away saying I “snuck out without saying anything”. Reading the part about him being a rubber band really struck me. One minute he is very attentive and the next I feel him backing away. One other thing is since we are both in ministry, he technically can’t “date” another member without approval from his bishop. I am feeling confused and all of my friends are telling me to just ask him how he feels about me and ask him out on a date. This not knowing is driving me crazy since I have been falling for him. Any suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks!

  163.  #163Rori Raye on April 12, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Kim – Welcome, and your friends are half-right. When he’s attentive, reward him with smiles, Leaning Back, and all your Modern Siren skills. When he backs off – smile, and stay even further away than he is – while still smiling. If he starts opening up again, say ” I remember the last conversation we had about relationship, when you said you were ready, and I remember feeling awkward, and not knowing if what you’d like is with me. If so, how would you like this to look?” Love, Rori

  164.  #164Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    A guy that I met keeps wanting me to send him sexy photos. I just sent him one of me when I was 7 wearing a bathing suit. Hahahaha!!! I think I’ve got way too much time on my hands!!!!

  165.  #165Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    I think he took it the wrong way ๐Ÿ™ Oh well, but I don’t think he’s going to ask me for sexy photos anymore ๐Ÿ™‚

  166.  #166LoveAlways on April 12, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Cecilia that is beautiful!

  167.  #167Femininewoman on April 12, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    LL he didn’t take it the wrong way. He got the message. I thought that was really witty, sassy and sireny of you. Now he knows you have a sense of humor. Maybe it doesn’t match with yours but now he knows. Maybe you should ask him where is his sense of humor.

  168.  #168Femininewoman on April 12, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Happy birthday Miss Dominique.

  169.  #169Dominique on April 12, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Veronica, Kyla, thank you, and thank you Femininwoman. ๐Ÿ™‚


  170.  #170Femininewoman on April 12, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    RE 86 Millie Yay you. Hope you are having a great weekend.

  171.  #171Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Thanks, FW, that made me feel better!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  172.  #172Liquid Light on April 12, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    I just checked out his gallery…OMG it is absolutely amazing!!!

  173.  #173Tereana on April 12, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Cutie – I don’t have any scripts for you, and I know lots of other sirens have “weighed in,” but my general rule of “thumb” is I don’t date friends of exes or exes of friends. A CD is technically not an “ex,” but you can just substitute “CD” for “ex” and I think it works just the same…

    Also, clearly, since you are asking it here, you have some doubt about whether this is right or not. If it doesn’t feel totally right (like, “oh my god, it’s my soul mate I need to do this NOW, then it’s not worth it).

    In the other side, since CDs are not bfs, they are not really exes either. If man A sort of moves out of your life after a time and is no longer in your “rotation,” then I think it would be ok to accept a day with man B…

    Those are my 2 cents

  174.  #174Syreena on April 12, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Happy Birthday Dominique. x

  175.  #175Tereana on April 12, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    It’s Dominique’s birthday? Happy birthday! ๐Ÿ™‚

  176.  #176Starla on April 12, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    Andrea 108
    Your best guy friend… is he available? Is he a good catch for a woman who actually would have sexual chemistry with him?

    i ask because i am with my best guy friend now and there wasn’t sexual chemistry before. it took a while to really hook in, but we have amazing beautiful sex all the time now. Can’t keep our hands off each other. And I thought he was so nerdy and skinny before we dated but now he looks like a god to me.

    Who knows what the objective truth is about him in that arena, and like I said it took a while of dating for the hook to set in, but now I feel delighted constantly about being with this man. He is so marvelous and masculine and good. he’s so good, i worry he won’t stay with me. i realize he could do better, if that were really even a “thing”.

    curious to hear more about your guy friend!

  177.  #177Tereana on April 12, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Ok, I’m having a weird time right now. It could be the moon, the stars, my cycle/hormones. Who knows.

    But in the last 24 hours, things have gone from “not-so-good” to “wow-this-is-pretty-amazing-it’s-feeling-wonderful-and-I-have-a-good-feeling-about-this” to “crap” again with M. Let me describe…

    So, it was M’s birthday yesterday. He does not like his birthday. Or at least, he does not like birthday attention. But, I knew of an event he was going to be at on Thursday, and I wanted to be there. I told him as much. He did not invite me. He did invite me to spend time with him on Friday, but he nearly backed out of the plans, because of “work.” More like, he didn’t feel like he could commit. As a gesture of birthday kindness, but not too over-the-top (I thought) I designed a “birthday certificate” for him, which said that, if he picked me up late from the train on Friday, I could not complain (but I gave my wait time limit at 1 hour). He picked me up about 20 minutes after I arrived, at which point I was already checking the train schedule for ones that I could leave on if he didn’t show. But he was there, so I got in the car. He didn’t touch me, he didn’t kiss me. I’m not even sure if he said hello to me or not.

    But while we were driving, he told me how everyone had thrown him a surprise party the night before, at the event I wanted to go to, and he started to show me a video. I, of, course, began crying and asked him to pull over. I said that I felt unimportant. I said that I felt sad I wasn’t there, and I really wanted to be a part of it. I said that it hurt me that I’ve only seen him about once a week since he’s been back from India, and it doesn’t feel like enough. All of this was true for me, but I felt like it all just whizzed over his head or something. He seemed not to comprehend one bit, and asked why I “get so mad over small things.” I said, because they are not always so small to me. And also because small things matter. It would have been a small thing to invite me to the event last night. He goes every week anyway, and he’d already told me about it. It would have meant a lot to me to be there. And as a “girlfriend” I feel bad and invisible for not being there. It sort of “looks bad.” But also, I just feel as if I was not included.

    Over dinner, conversation was tense. (I had asked to go back to the train station, but he somehow convinced me to stay and talk to him). He didn’t initiate much conversation. And even though I was being as honest and as non-blamey as I could, framing things as “this is what makes me happier,” not “this is what you are doing wrong,” still I felt ineffective.

    That is, until I leaned back. But the leaning back wasn’t what created a shift. While I was leaning back, I looked into his eyes, with full contact, and I consciously “softened” everything around them. The skin, the muscles, the energy. I softened my gaze, and immediately, he touched my ankle under the table with his foot. It was like we went from being disparate, non-communicating people, to being connected and “on a team” in an instant.

    I was all prepared to stay at his place, and I wasn’t sure if I would, but I at least wanted to stop back there. I did end up staying over, and I slept badly, because he still has not gotten a mattress yet. In the morning, he was chipper and happy. But he seemed to want to get me home as quickly as possible. We stopped for breakfast, but he didn’t even want to sit, he wanted to eat while driving. We had a fun conversation in the car, and he said he would “come back at 5” to see me. “5” turned into, “I’ll confirm the time later tonight” (text sent at around 3:30 p.m.). My reply was “ok.” And then, being that I was so tired, I said, “can you come by 7 at the latest.” He said, “7-7:30.” I still wanted him there at 7, and that would have been fine. But by 7:20 he arrived. I called to find out where he was. When he called back, he said he was at “exit 43” which meant nothing to me. (Later when I looked it up, it was at least 20 minutes to a half hour away. He probably would have gotten to my house at 8). How does “5 p.m.” turn into “8 p.m.”? I have no idea. Indian Standard Time. But he KNOWS ME better than that. He has had no lack of experience with me, knowing my punctuality. When he shows up on time, I try and “reward” him for it, but being super happy and saying nice things, and just generally being grateful. I would think by now, with experience and time, he would be shifting more toward coming on time, or close to on time for me. But it’s now reached a new (extreme) low, in my book. And it is un-acc-ept-a-ble. No doubt about it. And I told him, in no uncertain terms. Which was maybe a little bit over the top. But I’ve just about had it. I really have.

    A month of barely seeing him (once a week, is what we’ve been ending up with), and with his timeliness waning and not waxing, I am non-plussed, to say the least. And to add on top of that, all of this business with his birthday, and me not being invited to the event where his friends were celebrating. And he also said that he wanted to come to my friend’s wedding in SF, and then he backtracked and reneged. He would never commit to it, and made conflicting excuses about why he couldn’t or wouldn’t want to go with me. But it all comes down to one thing: he said he did, and then a lack of follow through.

    I admit, I handled the situation badly. I was tired, which is never good for my emotional control. And all the weight of this frustration just exploded at once. I didn’t feel angry at first, but I kind of riled myself up, and lost my calm. Without even knowing where he was, I could tell he would not arrive before 7:30. If he was in my town, ok. Maybe I could have put up with it, maybe not. But past 7:30 was 100% pure unadulterated completely unacceptable. And I told him that it just wouldn’t work out for tonight, because I was too tired. And he said, “ok” like it wasn’t a problem. He had to have been driving already at least 30-40 minutes by then and would have to turn around. And I think that’s what set me off – that his time issues are a huge inconvenience for me. He wastes my time and I feel like I get nothing in return. And in the end, he doesn’t seem inconvenienced, or even bothered by it at all.

    (will continue in a new post – this is too long already…)

  178.  #178Tereana on April 12, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    [*quick note: I slept badly, but at the same time, he held me all night, and it felt good.]

    Okay: I had to really search myself for what was bothering me about this situation so much. I mean, a, I was tired, that is for sure. And b, I just really don’t deal with this kind of plan-making. I told him about that. And maybe it was too much like an ultimatum, but I stated what I needed, and said that if he can be the kind of man I want, ok. But if not, then I respect that. Which feels true. Hey, I’m not here to change the guy. What I need, though, has to be attended to, on at least a sufficient level (or, if I felt happy and included and physically loved, then it would probably be easier to let things slide, just knowing he was really there for me in multiple ways).

    It’s weird. I’ve only noticed since I’ve started typing, that he hasn’t really felt like a “boyfriend” since the day he helped me move into my mother’s house. I’m not sure if that’s because her house is so messy and disgusting, or if it’s just because it’s embarrassing that I have to stay here. He said, “What other choice do you have?” I said, “You’re not exactly helping right now.” And that was the last nice thing he did for me. Everything since, I’ve felt like a burden, or like I had to be the one to lean forward and make something happen. Well, I’ve run out of energy, and I can’t do that anymore. And today, I was so excited, because finally he was leaning forward and suggesting something on his own, and I was open to it, and he totally underwhelmed me with his “showing up” too late. I am sure that he had a friend he could go call, and that they will have a fun time, and that’s why he is not bothered. And, truth be told, I probably should have told him much earlier that I was too tired to meet. But I was so excited, like I said, that he even wanted to, and was willing to drive to me again. It had been so long.

    Oh well.

    More red flags have been surfacing. Like I noticed how, when I describe how I’ve done a particular thing, he will ask, “why didn’t you do it like x” and talk about the values of x. And I’m like, “Yeah, but it’s my thing and I did it my way, because of how I wanted to do it. And if you are not involved in the decision making process, then you don’t get to have a say in it, especially after the fact, because now you are just making me feel bad, whereas I should not feel bad. I was simply sharing a piece of information.” But I feel less and less comfortable sharing information with him. I like kissing and canoodling, but that seems to be about all we do now. That, and go to dinner. No movies. No bike rides. Nothing with his friends. All plans are not finalized until the day they happen….

    It is too much uncertainty for me. I don’t think I can deal with it anymore.

    And yet, I don’t feel totally disconnected from him. I can’t explain why. He hasn’t responded to any of my messages, and if he does, i’m not sure that I’ll answer. He is “on ice,” as far as I am concerned. He really — REALLY — needs to step up his game. Because if he doesn’t, then I am not able to be the cool awesome woman that I know I am and can be. I will turn into stressed-out siren who needs a massage every other day.

    And I know this is something mighty that is coming up to be healed. Partly, I feel like I want a break from him, so that I can heal this part of me, and “figure out” what it is, and what it’s about. I don’t know how to start dating him again, though. If we ever do, I’m going to feel like we are starting from scratch. Or that’s how I want to feel. Because all this cruddy stuff does not feel good.

    [And, also, I know I am not the only one who gets upset at him for the things he does. Apparently “everyone” does. Which makes me think that he simply is a little clueless about everyone, not just me. But it affects me more. And yet, other people stick with him, because he is a good person. I guess I am not a good person. But the thing is, it’s not that he’s doing something “wrong.” I might have made it seem that way. But I just want to be happy and feel good. And I don’t. What could be the solution? I do not know. But I can take time with myself to figure out my stuff…and to figure out if I really do want him in my life. I am not sure if this can last for the long haul. But we’ll find out. I don’t know why I have put up with any of this…]

  179.  #179Carolyn on April 12, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    I don’t have much time to elaborate now but Rori has totally transform my relationship. From something I thought was totally over to now a strengthening more and more every day and flourishing relationship. I can’t thank her enough.

  180.  #180Mercedes on April 12, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    Tereana: I feel very shy about commenting on your situation and I don’t really know why…maybe it’s because I haven’t been here in so long so I’m not familiar with anyone’s lives and what’s going on with you…maybe it’s more than that. BUT…I also feel that if someone has taken the time to write all those feelings and thoughts out, they probably want someone to talk to and I don’t see anyone else here.

    I was just thinking of how I might handle the situation if I were you and if I had the same feelings you have about the timing thing (I don’t…timing doesn’t really matter much to me unless I have reservations or an event that starts at a particular time, etc….otherwise, I’m generally very flexible about time. BUT…since you are not, I tried to put myself in your shoes).

    I was wondering if you would be open to having a “backup plan” after a certain time. For example…have something else (away from your home) that you are fully prepared to do if he’s not there by 7:30 (in your example). Maybe if he actually showed up to your house (late) and you weren’t even there, he’d feel a little more affected by it???? I don’t know…just a thought.

    As far as the birthday goes…I only have hugs for you. I would be hurt too. Very hurt. So I can only empathize and give you my understanding.

    Hope you are feeling better and more rested tonight.

    Much Love,

  181.  #181Starla on April 12, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    tereana! first i want to say that it is awesome that you spoke up for yourself and have your back like that. you might have thrown yourself off your bridge trying to keep the relationship happening and overfunctioning when you could have been just taking care of yourself and doing the siren thing, but you know that. the point is that you arrived to a place mentally and energetically where you realized HEY THIS GUY IS NOT STEPPING UP. and you became willing to lean back and pull way.

    so if you had a time machine…. this is how i have handled this sort of thing. he is your boyfriend and trying to be so rigid about when and how you connect is not going to fly; you really are “supposed” to be universally open to their presence and closing off is the exception. so even if he’s late and can only stay for a hug and kiss and you have to send him on his way, you still welcome him in for that. that said, he isn’t extending this courtesy to you, and he’s a lousy boyfriend for not inviting you to that thing the other night. and he’s playing dumb. is he FROM india? it does sound a little cultural, in that those men sometimes see their women as a side part of their life, and not something that gets incorporated. anyway…

    if you had been unwinding and relaxing after 730 and he was too late to spend the time you were initially planning, you could still get some quick hugs and kisses in. i think the core issue here actually is about you wanting to control how much time you get together and what it looks like and what it means when it doesn’t look like the expectation in your head. try to relax just a little, tereana.

    so it sounds to me like the practical (not emotional trigger) problem was he kept you waiting like your time couldn’t be applied to other things if you knew you had that freedom.

    what you do is while you are getting your quick hugs and kisses in when he does show up, you tell him it feels so good to see him, and you ask him to make firmer plans with you in the future. “it feels so good to know you are coming to visit me, but when we don’t have a firm plan, i don’t know if i can make the plans for myself that i want to make, and i feel so frustrated about it and i don’t want to feel that way with you.” sh*t like that. you just speak this truth from your heart; the words aren’t as important as the point and the vibe. you make it known you are PO’d, but you still let him in. You let him in and you let him hug you and melt you and you also act PO’d and when he apologizes, you give him “the look” and say “OK but next time MAKE THE TIME FIRM!”
    then you send him on his way because it’s late and you want to relax and rest. cuz he was warned;) but it’s still nice to see him, you tell him.

    You can honor yourself and be honest and also be a girlfriend who receives love from her boyfriend.

    remember, when we treat a guy like he’s trying to prove we’re unimportant, that’s basically the same as saying “you’re bad and you try to hurt me like an abuser.” no one wants to be with someone who thinks they’re awful. even if they are testing our boundaries….

    sometimes it’s good to just take the charge out of all of it and just let it be what it is. he’s late and it’s annoying. you’re PO’d. he’s there to see you because he likes you. you like him.
    it all exists simultaneously, and i can tell you the authenticity and self acceptance of it is a huge hook for men.

    i say if you wanna do the GF thing, find someone who will do the BF thing in practice. i didn’t get exclusive with mine until i noticed he did a whole lot of what he said he was going to do, and then some, over a long period of time.

    i do have to have it my way a lot of the time though. it’s ME he’s dating, so they’re my needs he has to meet. if you can make a man feel like what he is already offering is gratifying for what it is, then you can start into the specifics of what you want (see each other x times a week, hear from him x times, etc) because that is what it takes to have you exclusively.

    sorry i’m not the best written communicator. but i hope this paints a little paradigm/picture for you that you can sense and feel your way into. it’s all really simple if you can get there.

  182.  #182Starla on April 12, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    btw i am late to everyyyyything… half the time i don’t even call to say i’m late or move my butt faster when someone’s getting impatient. it’s not personal at all. i’m just terrible, lol ๐Ÿ˜€ me and time don’t get along and it would require a lot of effort and contorting on my part to get into shape when it comes to timeliness. it’s true, though, that it makes me kind of inconsiderate. but that’s about me and not how i feel about any given person.

  183.  #183Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 12:39 am

    Veronica 145,

    Thank you for your insight. As I thought about your comment, I thought yes, there is a truth to that. In Blue’s case, I think there is definitely a truth to it – he uses feeling needed by his female friends and feeling close to them as a substitute for true intimacy. I too am not a social butterfly but I’ve noticed I do this too – going out and having a “good time” with my guy when I am feeling more closed off, there is no risk in it. Yes I agree, for me there is also a suspicion in the back of my mind that a man with many female friends battles with true intimacy.

    I have never heard the courting phrase used down here but it sounds lovely. Where I live there is a certain push for exclusivity when you are dating, though I way prefer the idea of courting, especially as I flex my boundaries and work through my feelings.


  184.  #184Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 12:41 am

    FW 148,

    I completely agree about it being better when it’s the guy’s idea.

    I completely agree about not fighting for me, which is why I pulled away from him.

  185.  #185Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 12:42 am

    Dominique 150,

    Thank you for the reassurance, it feels good ๐Ÿ™‚

    I hope you had a wonderful birthday!


  186.  #186Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 12:43 am

    Mercedes 149,

    Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ it’s so good to see you back here.


  187.  #187Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 12:46 am

    Liquid Light & Kyla,

    Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ The relieved feeling certainly was a sign, and it did feel very good respecting myself.

    Even though they may not be “wrong”, I don’t want to be with someone who fills my soul with chaos.

  188.  #188Millie on April 13, 2014 at 1:00 am

    Hi Tereana,
    I’m wondering if maybe you guys became exclusive too soon? I had this revelation feeling the other night about how I don’t want to sleep with a man until he has shown me I can rely I on him, until he has demonstrated that he is there for me and feels an emotional connection to me. It felt amazing to realize that and also freeing to know that no sexual interaction will happen until I feel and know a level of trust with that person. With you and your guy it’s great that you are leaning back as he is not stepping up. I’m wondering if your exclusivity bar needs to be raised. “I’m not going to be exclusive when my needs aren’t met and acknowledged.” Just a suggestion. Seems like you are doing great communicating and holding boundaries though!

  189.  #189Millie on April 13, 2014 at 1:08 am

    So initially when I met and started hanging out with my neighbor I saw him as purely a friend, someone I did not want to be involved with at all as I was not attracted to him. Bit now I’m wondering if I can use him as some practice. Our relationship right now is friendly banter and he invites me over as a buddy for beers. He tells me how pretty I am, that I smell good , how fun I am , and that I can have any guy I want. I jokingly ask him if he is hitting on me….and he replies, if I was hitting in you, you’d know. Anyway, I’m wondering if I should let my walls down and become all sireny with him. My only reason not to is because he is my neighbor and it runs the risk of “sh*tting where you eat. ” Last night he text me inviting me over if I was bored but that he was going to his friends house later. I was so turned off by that I said no. That made me think, maybe I need to turn this around.

  190.  #190Millie on April 13, 2014 at 2:27 am

    Wow….so no sooner did I post that last comment, that I ran into my neighbor outside. He was really drunk, but bluntly said that one of us needs to move out so we can have sex. I said it’s not a good idea for neighbors to get involved. He said he knows, that’s why one of us should move out. He was half joking, but clearly he’s interested in that. I told him I’m not good with friends with benefits and he said neither am I. Wow…..I would go on a date with him, but he lives next door, so I’m not sure……….. I can’t deny I’ve thought about him in that way.

  191.  #191Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 2:53 am

    Millie 188 & 189,

    Great time to practice being all sireny soft and attractive and leaning back, smiling and thinking about what you do and don’t want.

    Hold out for that date invitation ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’ve had a guy say to me “If I was hitting on you, you’d know” and a month or two later later he asked me out.

  192.  #192Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 2:59 am


    I really enjoyed your post #41.

  193.  #193ArabianLove on April 13, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Good morning !
    I just wanted to thank you Mercedes for what you wrote to me Friday night ๐Ÿ™‚ !

    I took an amazing epsom salt bath on saturday (with added baking soda ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) then basked in the sun and listened to the birds sing! It felt so wonderful to simply be present in that moment! My body so relaxed and I was feeling extatic … Nothing bothered me yesterday… I felt like I was on cloud 9 aawww amazing! I then when out and pampered myself some more… I got my nails done :))) and I bought myself a new cooking book ๐Ÿ˜€ and a flirty dress ! … finally i ended my evening with delicious portuguese food yum !!! I couldn’t stop smiling lol !!!
    Anyways thanks again! I will take these 2 weeks to pamper myself and then see what he does ๐Ÿ™‚ …

  194.  #194Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Tereana 177 & 178,

    I felt gasping for breath as I read how M has been behaving… to ME, this is taking carelessness to a level I could no way feel comfortable with.

    I can’t know exactly how it makes you feel, but it seems that it is very triggering for you.

    This behavior from him would make me feel quite unimportant to him, and I would be very tempted to demote his importance in my life.

  195.  #195GlowStix on April 13, 2014 at 7:29 am


    Could it be that you are directing your expectations onto him to uphold your boundaries, instead of yourself?

    Boundaries are tricky in the sense that others may or may not respect them, take them seriously, or even care. I feel curious…If you saw your boundaries as simply something for *you* to uphold, respect, and care about, things may at the very least look clearer to you and feel more empowering and less frustrating.

    Example: Hey, I don’t want to wait around…Those times are too late for me, i’m going to do my own thing instead.

    In your own way/words of course.

    I won’t explain further unless you want me to. I trust that you’ll get what i’m saying and add your own depth to it.

    Love and hugs!

  196.  #196GlowStix on April 13, 2014 at 7:34 am

    Heck, you don’t even always have to say anything to uphold a boundary. You just do it, for you.

  197.  #197GlowStix on April 13, 2014 at 7:40 am

    I’m not a fan of bringing the other person into it…But I will this time.

    I have noticed with practicing boundaries in this way at length, others start to respect them more. Over time, they (consciously or not) start to see you as someone who just simply won’t take what she doesn’t want, regardless of what other people are doing. They don’t have much choice but to adjust or fade away.

  198.  #198Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Wow it’s taking all my willpower sirens to not reach out to cutecityCD. Haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks and I am determined to lean back. I’m feeling resentful of myself for “failing” to have a successful relationship by this time I life…been beating myself up over it pretty badly. I feel the humiliation of being single and people question why…I know I shouldn’t care but some of my family members make comments like “poor Emerson …” Etc and sometimes it just makes me feel like a little girl and I want to run away and cry. I don’t like being single but I feel I have to put this persona like “oh I’m happy it’s great being single!” Or their sympathy and talking about me will grow even worse. It’s all about me not them…and my insecurity about being alone. I really have been feeling the toll of loneliness wanting someone to sleep with at night! I miss the sex and the closeness and the coffee in the morning.
    I’m not on speaking terms with recycledCD right now but he was the last one I had that with so I do miss him terribly sometimes.

  199.  #199Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 8:06 am


  200.  #200Dominique on April 13, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Thank you so much Syreena and Tereana.I have so much I want to say to you Tereana though a lot of great stuff has already been said. I’m on the train into New York City for continuing birthday fun so can’t really talk right now. If you’re still feeling in turmoil, please feel free to email me. xxoo

  201.  #201Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Sirens I have a question….
    I’ve asked something similar in the past…
    Regarding cutecityCD, I live about an hour away from him and he has asked me a few times to travel to his city (which had lots to do and is a fun place)….he works alot and has a high position in a company…
    I have said no to going there but one of my friends told me I was perhaps being a bit inflexible and should reconsider going to see him. What do you think?
    I work alot too but I’m willing to make time to see him…
    Just not sure if I’m being too rigid on my “rules”

  202.  #202GlowStix on April 13, 2014 at 9:48 am


    It’s all about you. If you do not want to travel to him, period, then that’s how it can be. It can be worked around and communicated in effective ways, without rigidity or inflexibility. If he takes issue with it, I believe there just needs to be complete honesty, with softness “This feels important to me. This is something I don’t want to do. How can we work around this?” type thing. Letting him know you understand and hear him and letting him “work” together with you on solutions.

    At the same time, if you are more like me and are actually cool with, and happy to, and enjoy being invited to come to him in some way *sometimes* (when you really will
    enjoy doing so) you are free to do that too! It’s very simple to say no when you don’t want to and yes when you do want to. It’s less complex than more solid boundaries. It also creates a nice flow, if he is the type of guy who definitely does reciprocate.

    If the expectation, however, is that ONLY you come to him, and this is creating lots of turmoil within you, the approach is much different. It may take a conversation. It may take big shifts, and work out well…Or he may just be unwilling to shift and just not a good fit.

  203.  #203GlowStix on April 13, 2014 at 9:51 am


    I hope also that the shades of grey between those scenarios are also apparent…

    It may be entirely one way, entirely another, or anywhere in between. As long as everyone is respecting everyone and themselves. And effective communication or at least the attempt is important to not building resentments.

  204.  #204Kyla on April 13, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Kyla had sex last night, and this morning before getting breakfast brought to me in bed lol oooh my was it ever worth the wait! I feel so happy and giddy and full of energy today. Off to the spa with my ladies. Happy Sunday Sirens xxoo

  205.  #205Kyla on April 13, 2014 at 10:17 am

    ((((Tereana)))) lots of really good stuff already said and what stood out for me is all the opportunities to honor your boundaries. Instead of waiting for him to make plans I would make my own plans and stick to them. It sounds like you are doing great with communicating your needs and that would be reinforced if you are not so accessible and available to him. Its clear that your time is important to you and it feels bad when you allow your time to come second to his. You can take the power back here. Once a week is not enough contact for an exclusive relationship imo and I’m not sure I would be able to stay sane and relaxed and secure with that set up. xxx

  206.  #206GlowStix on April 13, 2014 at 10:21 am


    Wooot! ๐Ÿ™‚

  207.  #207BeLoved on April 13, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Tereana – something about giving him the written pass to be late with no complaints from you, combined with the seeing him once a week, reminded me of this article from Baggage Reclaim:

    “The difficultly with compromising ourselves in order to have a โ€˜some crumbs relationshipโ€™ rather than โ€˜no crumbs at allโ€™, is that when the inevitable happens and we end up unhappy and/or things come to an end, we wonder why we werenโ€™t โ€˜enoughโ€™ and where we went โ€˜wrongโ€™. โ€œI was willing to make ends meet with your crumbs and put them through the exaggeration oven and turn them into a loaf while making up the shortfall with my love, devotion and lack of boundaries and you still donโ€™t want me?

    If youโ€™ve ever been in this situation where you take a slide down a slippery slope and opt for people who are unavailable for a healthy relationship with you but then try to make them available, it becomes increasingly obvious that your needs cannot be met but you keep lowering your expectations, desires and needs to make it โ€˜easierโ€™ for them to stick around. It also becomes increasingly obvious that no matter what you feel for this person, they arenโ€™t โ€˜technicallyโ€™ enough but the fact that youโ€™d be willing to put up with crumbs would suggest that it would feel like a lot to you because in comparison to what youโ€™re giving to you, it suddenly looks like a lot.โ€

  208.  #208Veronica on April 13, 2014 at 10:59 am

    Indigo โ€“ 182 – : ) I feel so heard and understood โ€“ it feels wonderful : )

    Yeah, instant exclusivity gets my inner alarm bells ringing like crazy.

  209.  #209Veronica on April 13, 2014 at 11:00 am

    ((((Emerson)))) -197 โ€“ I donโ€™t know your history with cutecityCD. So Iโ€™m imagining what I would do if it were me.

    A man who I at least like asks me more than once to come to his city (which is a fun place). I would want to see what he does โ€“ and notice how I feel โ€“ do I feel especially adored, cherished, since Iโ€™d come all this way, for example . Does he plan for us, does his planning turn me on, does he consider my interests? It would be practice only โ€“ heโ€™s not asking me for a relationship, it would be a night out in a fun city with a man who wants me there.

  210.  #210Veronica on April 13, 2014 at 11:25 am

    I met my guy friend today. I don’t know if I did the tools but he was being so masculine. He’s helping me out with a project. He was lamenting that I had to come all the way to meet him, even though he also had to travel. He was saying he wasn’t sure where halfway between us would be that would be a good place to meet. That he would reduce the rate if I wasn’t happy with the quote he gave me. He paid for lunch and kept me company until I had to go. Words and actions all tying up nicely. I felt love for myself and worry-free.

    Then I met BearCD. He is just too sweet. I think there may have been nerves from both our sides. He only ordered dessert for himself – two dishes, and then offered me them to taste and made sure the dishes were in easy reach – that made things feel so comfortably close. He also told me about what was inside the desserts, how they vary according to location by the balance of flavours. We talked a lot. But I don’t feel attracted to him. I notice resistance to being attracted to him – mostly my fear of being shoved into interactions that don’t fit me at all – I feel anguish at the thought of that. It definitely felt easy and light. Also, I got a sense that he didn’t want to leave and I started feeling nervous. The goodbye was awkward, he definitely enjoyed the afternoon, which I was surprised by because nothing firework-sy happened.

    Then I had moments of wishing I was back with BM because we fitted so well, it was fun being with him and then I had to remind myself that it was fun at times and we didn’t really have a chance to fit awesomely well. I can feel myself wanting my being with someone to feel like ‘home’.

  211.  #211Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 11:44 am

    What do I want???
    I feel weary of feeling piney. How can I stop feeling this way?
    I am caring for myself but it doesn’t feel like enough to quiet the lonesome feeling….
    I feel like I am grasping for friends from the past to have some kind of connection ….
    Again maybe I need to make new friends!
    Sorry for all my rants sirens.. Thank you for listening

  212.  #212Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Thank you glowstix and veronica!!
    That is very helpful.

  213.  #213Liquid Light on April 13, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Oh la la, yay, Kyla! ๐Ÿ™‚

  214.  #214Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    I allowed myself to feel my feelings today and let myself cry. I hate crying I feel humiliated and hopeless even when I’m alone and crying.
    I have some ideas for trips to plan that perhaps will help me to have something to look forward to….
    Not sure if I will travel alone?

  215.  #215Cรฉcilia on April 13, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    Thank you so much, it feels good to have my comment acknowledged, even though it was tiny

  216.  #216prplpsn28 on April 13, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Happy Birthday Dominique!

  217.  #217Rori Raye on April 13, 2014 at 7:18 pm


  218.  #218Tereana on April 13, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Thank you, Mercedes, Starla, Millie – everybody! For your ample and wonderful feedback. It feels so good to feel heard and received on the blog. I have been struggling so much with these feelings, and the whole situation, generally. As you know, I’ve posted in the past about what I thought were potential red flags, but which I was willing to work with because, overall, I could feel how much he loved me, and because – “on paper” at least – the relationship was all that I wanted. But it feels like it’s been deteriorating for some time, and I guess I finally reached my tipping point.

    It didn’t help that I was extremely tired from loss of sleep. And hungry, because he was supposed to be coming to cool me dinner (luckily big too hungry, because I are a late lunch).

    To answer Starla’s question, yes, he is indeed from India. He even told me on our second date (Valentine’s) that Indian men make bad husbands. Lol. I didn’t want to believe him. I wanted to believe he could be different from that. But something also shifted when he went to India. While he was there, we skyped a couple of times, and I felt he was somehow dismissive of me. I felt he was looking at me on-screen in this lascivious way. I can’t explain. It was different from how I knew him to be at home.

    And to clarify one other thing: we never had sex. He is a virgin. We did get into some “heavy petting” and I know it turned him on. It turned me on, too. But my take in that was that it is GOOD to be attracted to your partner. Otherwise, what’s the point? We were committed to not having sex until after marriage. But maybe that wasn’t enough to keep us together.

  219.  #219Kyla on April 13, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    ‘I am falling in love with you’ said to me in my home country’s language ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m getting big romantic love. His intentions and feelings are true. Everything he has to offer and he will not stop trying harder for as long as I allow him. He feels sick and scared, excited and hopeful and he’s putting everything on the line. He’s staying right here with arms open. As slow as I want, as long as I need, as much as it takes. His feelings are undeniable and sure. His daughters approve and think I’m beautiful too lol.

    And I’m still not scared. It feels fast and easy and natural and silly smiley good. He’s so considerate of my feelings he slips past without tripping any boundary alarm bells. He respects them. That feels so very safe its disarming. I feel trusting. He is offering me everything I imagined wanting, the whole wish list and more.

    I feel both melting, gooey, vulnerably exposed and grounded peaceful awareness.

  220.  #220Tereana on April 13, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    Anyway. Maybe I overreacted. And maybe I jumped the gun. But I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. The dress was too much, and I wasn’t feeling “heard.”

    I did have a back-up plan of sorts for Saturday. My plan was, if he wasn’t there by 7, I would not be available. And that was true for me. The only reason I have him “written permission” to be late, was because he didn’t really give me a choice otherwise. He was like “I’ll come see you at five” (totally his idea, I had nothing to do with it. And actually, he never even bothered to ask me if that was ok. He just said he would do it.). That turned into “I’ll confirm the time ‘later on'” (this was at 3:30. Excuse me, isn’t giving me a time actually a confirmation?). And so I simply said ok. And then a bit later, I asked if he could come no later than 7 pm. He wrote back “7-7:30.” I was like, no, 7. And he still proceeded to be there nearly 3 hours after he said.

    This is very much a cultural thing. It’s called “Indian Standard Time.” And it’s fine, if you are going to an Indian wedding. But I’m sorry, I’m not Indian. I may love you and your culture, but I don’t operate on that time frame and it sends a message to me that you don’t care. And actually, even though it is cultural, I believe I got that message clearly and accurately. And that, precisely, is what I decided that I couldn’t take anymore. That he “cared” about me in words, but not in actions.

    BUT…and there is always a but. There is one more piece of the story. Shortly after he came back from India, I had to move into my mom!a house. Actually, one of the last truly generous things he did for me was to help me move. I wish that he didn’t…he had to see the house. He saw my mom before I wa ready to introduce them. And it was all downhill from there.

    But mainly because living with my mother stresses me out soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I can’t stretch that “so” out long enough. Living with her makes me feel off-balance, insecure, invisible, ignored, unimportant, and physically uncomfortable. I was looking to him, or at least hoping that, as my boyfriend, he could help relieve some of the pressure (short of me Actually moving in with him, bc that would have been too much too soon). But the reality is, I became too stressed out to be the normal “cool” person that I can be (well, maybe not all the time, but mostly ; ). It is my belief that, had I not been living with my mother during this time, maybe we would still be together. Because I would handled everything differently, I would have felt more independent and in control of my life, and all of those things are what he picked up on when he first met me. Then it went all out the window.

    So now, of course, I feel ANGRY. I feel angry at my mother for ignoring me and for standing always in the way of what I truly love and desire (this is not a solitary example. It is the story of my life. I’ve just discovered a new way she did this in the past that I knew nothing about). My mother is a master manipulator. She plays dumb, but really what she does best is she plays people to get what she wants. It’s almost as if I have never made a decision in my life without her pulling the strings. Finally I have something – someone – who I want in my life. And I lose him because of the stress of living with her.

    I was soooo angry to think about this. I went for a long run, I screamed into the forest, and I punched the air. I really wish that I had a punching bag with her face on it. I am barely talking to her now.

    Today, I went to go look at a place I might be able to rent this summer. I cannot move out soon enough. Because living with her means every day is a struggle to just not feel suicidal. It’s really awful. And I live on small pleasures, going to work, and keeping contact with people who make me feel sane. But every day, I have to come home to a toxic environment. I know I can’t take it much longer…

    It’s probably too late for me and M. I actually told him not to contact me again. But at least if I can get out if the house, I can be in my way to sanity and my personal awesomeness again….

    And just remembering to give myself love. This morning a set a mantra for the day (or my life). Whenever my thoughts get low, I just repeat to myself, “I am enough, I am enough, I am enough.” It feels weird but good. I might be starting to believe it.

  221.  #221Indigo on April 13, 2014 at 9:54 pm


    One thing I thought as I was reading your posts is, I hope you have given thought to what you want.

    What would your ideal life look like? Do you really hate being single?

    I find that when people make little jibes about you “still” being single, being authentic can be very disarming and make you feel good. You could say sweetly that you don’t talk about your private life, or that you are independent and you are waiting for just the right person. I don’t know, these days I don’t give anyone information about my private life which doesn’t feel good to me just because they’ve come “fishing”…

  222.  #222Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    221 thank you Indigo! I love your suggestions and I feel heard and acknowledged!! I do like being independent in some ways but I feel like I’m ready for a relationship and I feel jealous when I see couples! I like your perspective though thank you! I am generally happy I just have some food now and then when I feel sooo lonely and piney for that relationship to be there!

  223.  #223Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    Tereana omg he’s Indian?! So is cutecityCD whom I am trying to stop obsessing over! He is LATE too!
    Tereana I am sorry that you have do much stress living with your mom! Pleased he gentle with yourself and hmm ….
    I wonder if things aren’t over your with you and M? I have a feeling maybe it’s not over yet….

  224.  #224Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    222 lol I meant to say I have some lows now and then not food!!! Hahah!
    Although I do stress eat hahah!

  225.  #225Emerson on April 13, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    210 Kyla that’s beautiful!0

  226.  #226Millie on April 13, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    Kyla!!!!!!!! Woo hoo!!! Amazing and so happy for you!!!!

  227.  #227Tereana on April 14, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Kyla and Azure Blu (161&162 from the last thread), omg, I wish I knew his to make it stop!! (The money self-sabotaging, that is).

    Kyla, I’ve tried thinking of financial freedom. I have tried changing my habits. I’ve tried changing jobs. Heck, I actually moved ACROSS THE COUNTRY, thinking that distance, plus staying in one place for a long time would help. Actually it got WORSE. So now I am back home. With my mom. AGAIN. I think of it this way: I am, in a way, “in the belly of the beast.” It’s uncomfortable and I hate it. But I also have to face the issue head-on instead of run from it. (Although I DO need to get out as soon as possible, for me personal sanity.) it’s a way for me to heal what’s broken in the place where it was broken. It could be a good thing…

    And as for me, that’s partly what the “I am enough” mantra is about. When I think about my financial situation, as well as love and friendship, I most often feel that I am receiving “not enough.” Even (or especially) when others feel they are giving me a lot. A case in point: when I described how I wanted to see M more often, he looked hurt and said that he thought he was giving me “good time,” and canceling things or making room in his schedule for me. So if that’s how he feels, then from his end, I look ungrateful, and that’s putting a lot of pressure on him to do more, when he is already doing a lot, in his mind. Whew.

    But I still feel how I feel. And I realized the root of the problem is that I don’t feel like “enough.” Consequently I experience “not enough” in my life. With him, with money, with everything. Even though we live in an abundant universe with more than enough to go around. Always I feel that there is not enough. FOR ME. But that could be leading me to be blind about what I do have…

    Emerson, I feel kind of hopeful reading that you don’t think it’s over between us. I said some hurtful things, because I feel hurt. I am struggling with hurt feelings around sex as well. I tried telling him I have kind of a PTSD thing around sex. He doesn’t believd me that PTSD exists. But I know this is part of it. I could feel myself simultaneously struggling with him, wanting to keep the relationship going, and pushing him away and running away as fast as I could (that’s why I said the hurtful things). But they don’t ring 100% true for me. Only I don’t know how to repair this. Big I don’t think I trust myself to talk to him while I am staying with my mom. The stress leads me to feel unpredictable.

    And, btw, I didn’t necessarily feel that I was being “overly available” to him. I’ve turned him down for things before because I needed “me time,” and I felt good holding my boundaries. In this recent case, it was his plans, and it was spontaneous. Holding him strictly to 5 pm didn’t make sense. It was actually a little early for me (though I didn’t tell him that.) And when he suggested it, I didn’t want to turn him down, because I interpreted it as he was “stepping up” and wanted to spend time with me. Hence my drastic disappointment. But, I was at my moms house that day. If I was “not there” when he arrived, then she would have been. I didn’t want them to meet yet, I wasn’t ready for it. And not in that way. But if I wasn’t there, then what? What if I was by myself? Maybe hex would have felt more free. Who knows. I am just speculating.

    But this morning I miss him a lot. I don’t feel right. My heart doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how to make it right… And I kinda don’t want to lean forward to do anything right now… : (

  228.  #228Linda on April 14, 2014 at 5:14 am

    Kyla… I am so happy for you. Enjoy everything!

  229.  #229Tereana on April 14, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Starla – 43 et al, it is so good to hear you are having success with your man in communicating your needs and having them met, at least part way.

    I guess I tried the same thing as you, but with not as much success. In fact, even though I saw none of your posts until now, I already did exactly as you said. I dumped him. Because even though he did step up on a couple of occasions, it was not consistent, and it was not to the degree that I was asking for, that I felt I needed. I used feeling messages. I used positive reinforcement. But that wasn’t enough, apparently : (

    In the end, I believe I did “wear him down” a bit. This is my habit, I guess. I feel like I speak too much. Like I am too vocal about waft I need. And sometimes I could probably communicate better by not saying anything.

    But, to someone’s point about being available, I guess I am being “unavailable” now by choosing to not be his girlfriend. Since he stopped treating me like a princess who was important in his life and instead made me feel like a prostitute and his very last priority (even though we didn’t actually have sex), I am now not in his life. Simple as that.

    And I asked him not to contact me. I said “I feel disgusted.” I do have an odd feeling, like Emerson said, that it might not be totally over. Who knows. I guess “hopeful” isn’t the right word. But definitely I need a break to regain my footing and my sense of self. I need to be on balance, well-rested, and well cared-for by me, and then we’ll see what happens. He may contact me at some point anyway. I am sure that he won’t forget me so soon. But meanwhile, I am going to concentrate on taking care of me…

  230.  #230Tereana on April 14, 2014 at 6:00 am

    Correction to #218: * cook me dinner
    And *not too hungry

  231.  #231Emerson on April 14, 2014 at 6:05 am

    221 Indigo
    I keep reading your post to me. I wish I would have used your words with some people at work who rudely asked me things! I definitely feel more empowered with your suggestions in my script!

    I am psyching myself up for another week at work. I’m sure it will be a good week.

    I feel curious who I will meet this week while I am cding everyone around me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I intend to be open, positive and happy this week.

  232.  #232Emerson on April 14, 2014 at 6:12 am

    Please don’t be hard on yourself.
    I admire you for speaking your mind and being authentic! You are being true to yourself. The issues with your mom may resolve sooner than you think. Sometimes I just wake up one day and suddenly something that was so bothersome seems to have quieted of healed in my heart.
    I feel optimistic that you’re on a path of healing because you’re being authentic with yourself and others. The way they react to it, we cannot control. (Hugs)

  233.  #233Andrea on April 14, 2014 at 6:26 am

    More lessons from my homefront.. heehee…

    This weekend was a very good learning ground for me. My CD Joe was all over me on Wednesday night when we ran into each other at a happy hour and told me he wanted to take me out on a date Friday. Friday morning came and nothing from him… all day.. nothing…. as a matter of fact, he didn’t text, call, facebook…

    A mutual friend of ours invited us out to a party. On Friday afternoon, I called Joe and left a voice message, “I know you had mentioned you wanted to ask me out on a date for tonight but (our friend) has invited us to a party. Here are the details. Let me know if you want to go together.”

    Nothing from him.
    My best guy friend took me out after the party and a group of us had a good time. But in the back of my mind I was pressed with… “What the?? Where is Joe?”

    In the meanwhile, CD Ed, sent me a non-committal text on Friday morning. “Hello beautiful.” nothing more. Friday came and went…. nothing from Ed.

    Saturday afternoon at around 4:00 pm, Ed texted.. (TEXTED!!!) “Andrea, do you want to get together for pizza tonight? I’ll pick you up around 7:30.”

    (hahaha.. was he kidding? I was aghast! Text me? 3 hours notice?)

    I already had a wine tasting party to go to, a friends house to go to after that for a girls get together, and then two local bands playing at pubs downtown I wanted to check out. Wow!

    I texted Ed back, “Wow Ed, I feel so wonderful hearing from you. I’m blushing and turned on a little bit that you are thinking about me and that you want to spend your Saturday night with me. But, I hadn’t heard anything from you all week, so I have other plans tonight. I’m sorry.”

    He texted back right away, “What about Sunday?”

    I texted, “Oh I feel so great that you want to take me out, but Sunday’s are my days for myself and my daughters to get ready for the coming week. I really love it when you give me two days notice for a date Ed. I feel smiley and happy that you are thinking about me though.”

    He texted back right away, “How can I see you this weekend? I am thinking about you A LOT.”

    I left the conversation after that cause I needed to consider if I even wanted to see him. I felt offended a little bit, but also had to say truthfully that even if he had called and asked me out on a proper date, I would have turned him down for Saturday night. I really had a lot of plans.

    Finally about 6 pm I texted him back. I said, “I have to admit that I’m thinking about you a lot as well. But I feel distant and not very special getting texted by you.”

    Right away he called me. I told him, the only way he’d be able to see me is that he would have to come pick me up at my girlfriends house. She is 18 miles out of town. And he could take me to the pubs and listen to the bands with me.

    He said, “I’ll be there at 8:00”

    He came. He took me and three of my girlfriends down town. He paid the cover charges for me at both places to hear the bands. He bought all my drinks. He also drove all of us back to our cars at the end of the night. Then he drove me home. Stayed the night with me, and drove me the 18 miles back to my girlfriend’s house the next morning to get my truck.

    I really loved the attention he lavished upon me. Sometime in the night when we were making out and it could have gone to actual… sex… I told him, I’m not feeling close enough to you to go here. I still feel kind of slighted that you actually texted me and asked me for a date, giving me only three hours notice. I feel curious why you would do that.

    He told me that he assumes that he and I are an item and that as long as I am seeing only him, he assumes I’d want to be available to him when he’s not busy.

    I told him: I feel so honored by your honesty. Wow.

    And left it at that. The next morning he took me out for breakfast then brought me to my truck. We never said another word about it. I’m very very curious how he will choose to contact me again. I’m extremely curious if he is ever going to ask me for my feelings about our relationship thus far.

    Then back to Joe. Sunday came. I hadn’t heard from Joe on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. Our mutual friend called me around 4:00 on Sunday just for chit chat and I told her that I hadn’t heard from him. She said, “Oh Joe does that. He kind of disappears from time to time for days. Then he’ll pop back up and act like nothing has happened. Many of our friends have complained about that. Probably why he’s still single.”

    Then Joe called me. Right then and there. He called me all smiles and happy. “Hi beautiful. How are you?” I could tell it was kind of affected.. as though, he were feeling me out.

    I said, “I feel so wonderful Joe. So happy. Just let me gather my emotions before I say anything more.”

    He said, “What are you so happy about?”

    “That you are calling me Joe! I hadn’t heard from you all weekend and I’m so curious about where you were and I feel so privileged and special that you are choosing to call me now. It’s such a surprise and I feel so lovely when I get surprises!!”

    He was so shocked by my response. He just opened up to me and shared so much about himself. About PTSD that he goes through, about needing to go up to his cabin and disappear sometimes, that he hosts sweat lodges for fellow military veterans and that he didn’t know whether I would understand or not. He told me about talking with spirits and about finding peace with nature and about needing to get refreshed when he feels intense feelings for someone. He said, “People…. women… get angry with me. But I need this time to myself.”

    I did not share with him how I felt about it all. I still don’t know yet. But I did tell him that I feel open and I feel curious to learn more about him. I told him I feel there are so many layers to him and I’m open to exploring what ever he will reveal.
    It was a nice phone conversation.

    This morning I woke up feeling this: Wow!!!! I am very blessed and glad and proud of myself that I CD!!! I feel very free and not hung up on either one of these men, but open and curious about them and about what adventures I will have with either one of them. And I felt a ping of excitement about… who else is out there because neither of these men are my Big Love… but both offer wonderful lessons for me.

  234.  #234Andrea on April 14, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Biggest lesson I learned for myself is this: I want peace for myself.

    I realized that if I’m trying to change these men.. if I’m caught up in explanations or manipulations.. trying to get them to treat me the way I want, then I’m not at peace… and if I am trying to get them to act a certain way, I will never be able to discover who they really are and how they really act when they are authentic and being themselves.

    I don’t want them to change for me. I want them to open up to me, to show me who they REALLY are, so that I can then CHOOSE if I want them as a part of my life.

    So instead of explaining to Ed or to Joe why I didn’t like what they did, I found myself being more willing to be curious about who they are and discovering why they did what they did.

    Then I got to choose. I didn’t feel close to Ed, even after he had done all of that stuff for me.. I didn’t feel close enough to him to have sex. That was my choice.

    But I also didn’t need to prove anything to him, or explain anything to him, or to tell him how wrong he is about his assumptions that I would just be available to him when he’s not busy. I have a feeling that if Ed is Ed… then this will crop up again, and then I’ll be able to choose whether I want to continue allowing him to be a part of my life.

    I don’t need to push him away or say anything to him or to Joe. I just live my life and when they are in it, I get to be open and discover who they are, and explore the possibility of them fitting in somewhere.

    Anyway, I feel very peaceful. I feel very strong and centered and very much myself this morning.

  235.  #235Kyla on April 14, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Thank you beautiful Sirens!!!! I feel so good and happy. Cding works in profound ways. The tools work. I am trusting me to be true to my feelings and love me no matter what shows up ‘out there’ and trusting the process. It finally feels so normal, natural and easy to BE in my skin and speak my truth. I feel filled up from my deepest core and every pore of my being is radiating love for life.

  236.  #236Kyla on April 14, 2014 at 7:19 am

    I have not agreed to exclusivity and yet he has filled all my free time so far that there has been no room for dating anyone else. I have been CDing myself, family, friends, strangers and creative passions though so I am feeling wide open to filling my needs and accepting joy from everything around me. I am aware that I need to stay focused on my own path as it is taking me in the direction that feels blissful and abundant.

  237.  #237Veronica on April 14, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Wow Andrea and Kyla! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences/lessons with CDing – it’s helping me understand all of this much quicker.

  238.  #238Millie on April 14, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Andrea I love grounded and rooted in yourself you are.
    I’m wondering of anger, which stems from feelings of hurt, is also tied to feelings of low self worth for me….. I notice you did not feel anger only curiosity, and did not view any of these men’s choices as being an affront to you personally even though you would have preferred to be called with more notice etc. I am wondering for me, as much as anger is a valid feeling, if for me it is an indicator that I have to work things out within myself more.

  239.  #239Mercedes on April 14, 2014 at 9:10 am

    GlowStix: I love these words: “If you saw your boundaries as simply something for *you* to uphold, respect, and care about, things may at the very least look clearer to you and feel more empowering and less frustrating.”

    I’ve never found the words to express that but it is how I see boundaries too. My boundaries are not something *you* have to do and they are not things *you* cannot do. They are however things *I* need in my life and things *I* will not have in *my* life.

    Love how you said it!

    And ArabianLove….wow, wow, wow and YAY, YAY, YAY!!! That sounds incredible!!!

    Much Love,

  240.  #240prplpsn28 on April 14, 2014 at 9:29 am

    How do you change your picture on here that appears before your name when you commwnt? I can’t for the life of me figure it out lol.

  241.  #241Femininewoman on April 14, 2014 at 9:35 am

    RE 240

  242.  #242Femininewoman on April 14, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Millie I think you are getting close to what I was referring to when I wrote about the victim mentality. In working things out inside you and taking responsibility for what is happening in your life you can ask yourself some hard questions.

    Why am I angry?
    Where is my anger?
    How am I contributing to this situation?

    For some reason this type of questioning myself took the focus off what “they were doing to me” and created an internal shift. With the shift it is easier to walk away from anything/anyone without the anger. As a matter of fact many times there is no anger because really there is no reason to be angry. I am living my life. I am in charge of me. That kind of realization just kind of does something on your insides so that you can come from a different place when interacting with others.

  243.  #243Mercedes on April 14, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Arabian Love: I meant to ask you… Did you like the addition of the baking soda to your bath? Could you feel the difference?

    I also like to add lavender essential oil (or Jasmine) and if I want to detox as well, I’ll add ground ginger (it will make the water a gross brown color and it will make you sweat like crazy but oh the effects!!!).

    Anyway…curious about how you felt about the baking soda….

    Much Love,

  244.  #244Dominique on April 14, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Andrea – 233 – I feel so thrilled and inspired by you ability to turn thing and thus your conversations/feeling messages into positives. Instead of dwelling on the what’s lacking, you are adamantly focusing on the positive. YAY you!!!

    Everyone has a unique story, and most everyone is doing the very best he/she can in that moment. And remaining open and curious to it all allows you to see the real person who is likely wounded and healing just like you.

    And when you are this open place as you keep working on you, the clarity you gain is immense, giving you the ability to make increasingly better choices FOR YOU.



  245.  #245Indigo on April 14, 2014 at 12:24 pm


    I feel SO glad what I said was helpful to you.

    Drawing gentle boundaries around your private life when nosy people want to know why you’re “still not married” is a great way to feel better.

    I do that at work, just gently deflect questions about my private and romantic life. People know I’m not a gossip and this whole thing of being in each other’s business feels yucky to me.

    *Hugs* to you

  246.  #246Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Went out with Tex last night. He’s the one with the gallery in Sydney. He took me to an amazing restaurant. Food was great and the conversation flowed easily. He’s a very interesting man and has connections all over the world. I wasn’t really interested in him romantically because of his age but now I think that he may not be as old as I thought he was. I’m warming up to him since he’s such an interesting man and he’s funny and he’s smart. And since he’s an international man of mystery! Hahaha!

  247.  #247Kyla on April 14, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Ooooh sounds sexy Liquid Light ๐Ÿ™‚

  248.  #248Millie on April 14, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Yeah Femininewoman I totally understand what you meant. I feel bad for being upset with mechanic. I also see how I chose not to be open that night. I shut him out also…because I felt hurt he was interested in someone else, or seemed to be anyways. I see how I have a lot of healing to do and a lot of it will need to happen in the presence of other people. It’s not something I can do in solitude.

  249.  #249Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Yeah Kyla he’s really an amazing man. Someone like that is so rare to come across. I love the way he is in the world, just no limits on what’s possible. Its so great to be around someone like that and I just feel fortunate for having met him. Even if he ends being just a friend, that would still be a huge blessing!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  250.  #250Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    I ended up wearing my new v high stilettos and could barely walk! LOL They are a bit ridiculous but I still like them. I can only wear them when I know I don’t need to walk v much, just sit somewhere and feel sexy. ๐Ÿ™‚

  251.  #251Femininewoman on April 14, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    Liquid Light – I just feel fortunate for having met him

    This sounds to me like he is already on a pedestal

  252.  #252Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    FW, I do feel fortunate because he’s so unusual…don’t worry, not putting him on a pedestal but feeling appreciative for sure! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  253.  #253Mercedes on April 14, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    ๐Ÿ™ Feeling very sad right now. Yet ANOTHER setback with regard to the yoga studio / spa. It’s a big one. It’s so…almost depressing…to have to see and hear these things almost daily. And I don’t feel well today anyway. So I’m cranky.

    I wanted to take a detox bath but we’re having a thunderstorm. I am drinking detox tea though. And I had some ice cream for my sore throat.

    *sigh* I just want to hear some good news again…

    Feeling sad and tired and…ick!

    And I know 90% of that is straight up attitude but…ugh…I don’t care right now. ๐Ÿ™

    Much Love,

  254.  #254Andrea on April 14, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    OOohhhhh…. Liquid Light… Me: Jealous!! : )
    That is just the kind of man that sets me on fire. Older, knows his place in the world.

    I can’t wait to meet a man like that. I always feel challenged and intrigued and turned on by that kind of man.

    And Dominique, thank you. Yes, that’s how I feel.. radical awareness of the positive… being open to who they REALLY are not who I want them to be with regards to me.

    By the way, Joe has been texting me all day, like a cheerful mad man… telling me I’m beautiful, I make his heart sing, He likes my spirit and can’t believe that someone so pretty and sexy has emotional intelligence as well. I feel extremely complimented by him.

  255.  #255Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Thanks Andrea!!! Yeah, he is exciting! Its just so refreshing to be around a man like that after dealing with so many men that have so little to offer. The best that many of them are offering me is to come over to their place and hang out — no restaurant, no going out, no date, NO THANKS!!! Its been a bit flabbergasting so being around Tex who likes to go out and do fun stuff, try great restaurants, and experience the world is so refreshing!!!

  256.  #256Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 2:44 pm


  257.  #257Mercedes on April 14, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    LL: Thank you for that! I just went and had a little yoga and a little meditation. Not a full deep practice because my throat is so sore and that’s too distracting for me. But then to come back and see you comforting me. I do feel much better emotionally now. Thank you for seeing me and for supporting me. It means more than I could ever say. And the thunderstorms have stopped. Time to take my tea to the detox bath and just soak for a bit. Taking my own medicine…taking my own advice…taking care of me. Right now…that means shutting down the laptop and turning off the phone.


    Much Love,

  258.  #258kdr on April 14, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    I ran across this poem by the Sufi mystic poet Rumi and I thought “Man, this could have been written by Rori Raye”. I think he lived in the 13th century.

    Although I have no belief in “the beyond”, I really like this:

    This being human is a guest house
    Every morning a new arrival.
    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.
    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.
    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond

  259.  #259Liquid Light on April 14, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    Awhh, Mercedes, any time! I’ve been feeling bad about my ex and missing him. Its strange how it comes and it goes. I just try to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass and it will get better. I hope you feel better after some pampering!

    Big hug, girl!!!!

  260.  #260Rori Raye on April 14, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    kdr, Thank you for this – I love it! And feel honored to be thought of in the same breath as Rumi… Love, Rori

  261.  #261Mercedes on April 14, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    LL: I am starting to feel a little better. Certainly more emotionally like “me”. I can’t believe I even typed the words “I donโ€™t care right now.” Doesn’t sound like me at all. But they felt authentic at the time. I’m stronger than all of this. I just needed a break. And I still need the rest. My body needs to heal too.

    Thank you again for being here and for being you. It was so nice to know you were caring about me today.

    Much Love,

  262.  #262Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 8:55 am

    Cutie – I just happened to read your post in #21, and it spoke to me today, about wanting a man who you don’t need to poke and prod to get what you want. And that seemed relevant to what I was experiencing with M. Except what if I didn’t need to poke and prod regardless? I don’t know…

    My heart feels all sideways today, still. Part if he wants to reach out and say that feeling message. The other part of me is saying, “you feel bad now, but just wait it out. He will come back to you if you don’t pursue him.” Maybe there isn’t one right answer. I just know that I’ve hurt him and I feel this urge to make it right. I don’t know how…

  263.  #263Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Emerson, 232 – thank you! That means a lot ๐Ÿ™‚

    Mercedes – so sorry to hear about the setbacks. Hopefully it is a “breakdown” before a “breakthrough.”…


  264.  #264Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 9:22 am

    Emerson, 232 – thank you! That means a lot ๐Ÿ™‚

    Mercedes – so sorry to hear about the setbacks. Hopefully it is a “breakdown” before a “breakthrough.”…


    And Kyla, what was that magic script you used in #12?…

  265.  #265Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    Oops, double post earlier…

    I’ve been wishing that there was some way to “text” M without texting. To communicate directly, like straight from my mind to his, straight from my heart to his…

    I feel good that, as a result if these tools, and if being sireny and authentic, I was able to connect with a man, truly at the heart level and for him to feel that love for me. That makes me feel successful, but not at all boastful. Just proud. Proud. That was one thing he said to me once – he was proud of me. That felt so good. I can’t remember anyone I’ve dated saying he was “proud if me” (and not in a patronizing sense).

  266.  #266Tereana on April 15, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    I did find a way to speak “heart to heart,” actually. I did it alone, in front of a mirror. I didn’t plan the mirror, but it caught my attention, and it worked. I felt better. I got to see myself, feeling my feelings.

    My heart feels a little less sideways now. A little more full.

  267.  #267LoveAlways on April 16, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Hi Sirens. I’ve been so busy that I must admit I am guilty of “Lurking” on the blog! No worries, wishing you all positive vibes, good feelings and soothing relaxation this lovely evening. Wanted to share a #sirensong (lol) I posted earlier this evening:

  268.  #268Di on April 18, 2014 at 1:57 am

    Hi everyone have just bought rories complete program. Everything I can get enough I think she is fantastic. I have a really nice man who I have been with for 30 years I love him. But he has just come out to me about something that I am having great difficulty dealing with and don’t know whether I can move forward. One day I feel like l need to leave him the next I want to stay. I really need advise from all you sirens out there.

  269.  #269Pamelahealing on April 18, 2014 at 4:15 pm


    How wonderful that you are training women to coach. This is an area that we need more help. Thousands if not millions of women are lost in either bad relationships or marriages or just unhappy. I believe that every woman deserves to be treated with value and respected. A relationship coach will certainly help. Thanks for your commitment to the quality of life for women.

  270.  #270Rori Raye on April 19, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Di – I believe we can – and want – to help with nearly anything…Love, Rori

  271.  #271Goddess of Love on May 14, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    I have been dating J since November. I usually go to his house and spend the weekend. He usually doesn’t ask me to do that till Thursday. We have a great weekend, tells me he loves me and that it was a wonderful weekend, writes me he misses me at the beginning of the week, then tapers off till Thursday.

    He is still active on Match, just checked he has been on it today, but says he is not going out with anyone but me. When I have mentioned I don’t like the fact that he is still on, he says “well you are still on”. I believe I have an illusory relationship.

    Any suggestions? I have circular dated some, but probably should be doing more of it.

    Any help anyone can offer?