Be Amazing And Forget About Him – A Note From The Universe

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I love these “Notes From The Universe” from Mike Dooley at and have been getting them, reading them, and feeling uplifted by them for years.

This one, for me, pointed directly to harnessing your desire and moving in the direction around men that most serves  your desires (I always totally forget these are written by a man, and just take them as straight from the Universe…):

For all things and non-things that you may ever want, Rori, understand that sometimes the fastest way to get them is to forget them, and to focus instead on just being the most amazing human being you can be. At which point all of your heart’s desires, spoken or unspoken, will be drawn to you more powerfully than a magnet is drawn to steel.

Have an amazing day,
The Universe

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  1.  #1Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Love it!

  2.  #2Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 6:58 am

    This is exactly the message I needed to hear today ~

    Thank you Universe,
    Thank you, Rori!

  3.  #3Femininewoman on August 20, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Love it too

  4.  #4Sassy on August 20, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Me too, but….sometimes easier said than done. When I have “too much time on my hands”, I tend to get caught up in those thoughts and forget about how truly amazing and wonderful my life is, and that I am responsible for my own happiness. Men are just the icing on the cake!!!

  5.  #5Heart on August 20, 2012 at 7:49 am

    I love this too! Awesome!

  6.  #6Heart on August 20, 2012 at 8:37 am

    ok Sweettalker (other guy) asked me out for tomorrow…I feel guilty…Should I be dating another guy….I feel weird about it…before last weekend I wouldnt have cared but my feelings for CuddleyGrinch are growing….I don’t want to get hung up though…

  7.  #7ruth on August 20, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Heart, arent you meant to date at LEAST three and treat them all equally?

  8.  #8ruth on August 20, 2012 at 8:49 am

    Thanks so much Sirens for all the advice for me regarding feeling messages

    I feel looked after and heard

  9.  #9Emerson on August 20, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Ooh that’s a good message.. I like that he mentions magnets – reminds me of Roris tool (my eyes are magnets)

  10.  #10Heart on August 20, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Ruth – I’m not Circular dating…I’m just dating. I know Rori says to do that but it’s difficult for me…lol

  11.  #11MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 9:00 am


    (((the universe)))

    You are just the universe
    expressing itself as a human
    for a while

    I forget who’s words these are. I think of god as the spark that ignites all life, and the energy that holds everything together. To me, god is the universe and a part of every single particle that makes it up.

    I am just the universe
    expressing itself
    as stix.
    For a while.

  12.  #12Sunshine on August 20, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Well this post feels suitable to my situation. i broke off my toxic relationship last week. I have felt a whirlwind of emotions during this week, post break up. I felt very sad and heartbroken, confused, angry, and then I felt a lot of happiness and laughter after spending a night out with friends. I feel hope in the future, but every so often and this morning too, I feel doubt that I did the right thing..but the assurance that I did feels stronger. I feel sometimes dramatic for deleting his facebook, and changing my number but I also feel strong and diligent. I wish the voice telling me Im dramatic and overeacting would shut up because its this complex that keeps me in that stuck place I was when i was with him. i hope to fully heal from this and I hope to find someone worthy of me. and if thats dramatic so be, it so be it!!

  13.  #13Emerson on August 20, 2012 at 9:03 am

    1179 Radlove from previous string…
    I was not disguising anything with an innocent question, I was ACTUALLY asking the questions and can be taken at face value. I feel curious about your expression of love as you see it and to me it feels unhealthy and self sacrificing in a mon productive way.

    That’s why I brought up coda. I have “felt” that “dramatic” die for you “love” withy toxic ex and I raalized (after putting myself thru so much pain) that it was all self created pain and so unhealthy and codependent.

    But you can take but any way you choose I don’t have control over you. I feel curious why you would automatically feel attacked by me and assume that was the intent.

  14.  #14ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Heart, I am not sure i could date mote than one man at once anyway

    Good for you Sunshine

  15.  #15MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Quantum physics tells us that tiny particles pop randomly in and out of “existance” in everything, everywhere, all the time.

    Where do they go?

    Are they popping from place to place?

    Is everything random?

    Pop pop pop tiny particles! Maybe a part of me just started to exist somewhere else. Right at this moment.

  16.  #16Heart on August 20, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Sunshine – Dramatic is fun!

  17.  #17ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Im feeling introspective

    Whats *really* struck me over the past couple of days is the staying open thing when he contacts you.
    Ive done the leaning back thing in the past, ie not intiated contact, but it was with an agenda-so that when he did contact me i would be a bit aloof and grumpy and wanting to be “won round”

    That was game playing.It felt horrible

    Roris way makes so much sense

  18.  #18MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 9:11 am


    If I say “I love chocolate!”
    And someone asks me “You love chocolate?”
    It feels confusing because that’s what I just said.

    Your intent is clearly innocent! I’ve learned wording is everything here. Things get so easily muddled.

  19.  #19Tam on August 20, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Very timely….I was having the best weekend for a loooong time, and totally forgot about MrP’s presence…and now he is planning for me to come and stay with him and help him get rid of his stuff…
    I honestly don’t know what to say to that!!!
    He is bugging me with emails and chats and I have hardly time to respond cause I am busy busy.
    It’s so weird.
    I am expecting the silence again soon….whatever!!

  20.  #20MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Our emotions send chemical signals to the cells in our bodies. These cells have receptors for these chemical signals. I have heard theory stating the possibility for cells to become “addicted” to specific chemical signals.

  21.  #21ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Good weird tam


    glad you had a great weekend

  22.  #22ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Miss Stix, many years ago I was doing research into those receptors

    ooh, i am feeling so sluggish and lazy and fat!
    Always do the day after a mara


  23.  #23MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 9:20 am


    Fascinating stuff!

  24.  #24ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:23 am

    It was

    we were just dsisovering all these new receptors in the brain

    well, not me personally, but you get the drift

  25.  #25bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 9:28 am

    hmmmmm i feel a little “conflicted” feels like movement shifting plates “flex” too a little pliability in the grinding push pull

  26.  #26bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 9:33 am

    gosh weird. i feel such a pulling & it would feel so strange & big & awkward & frightening & selfish & “failure” & “silly” & still i feel a bit curious. “want it all” so is it possible? yes, no ? bad question ? bananas.

  27.  #27Tam on August 20, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Hi Ruth!!
    Good weird? Yeah, I guess that sums it all up!!
    The guy is so weird. First he pokes me on the chat and as I finally get around to replying, he signs off…probably piqued that I did not jump to attention straight away. Mr 4 weeks nothing. He makes me laugh now.
    How are you doing Ruth, you sound well!!! 🙂

  28.  #28Tam on August 20, 2012 at 9:37 am

    17 Ruth, I used to do exactly the same pre-Rori..I was either chasing or leaning back in a huff.
    I am glad to be out of that pattern.
    Even though I do feel resistant to being an ‘invitation’ to someone who is rubberbanding. But I guess that’s just men in general, some do it more and some less.

    I have found that since my attitude about people and men is more positive ( i e I trust all men are good men until they prove otherwise)…I have more positive stuff come at me. It is kinda interesting but might just be coincidence. The vibes maybe?

  29.  #29MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 9:37 am


    I think if I was less of a slacker in highschool I would have been a doctor. Learning about the human body just sends electric shivers of excitement all over my skin!

  30.  #30ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Im okay Tam thank you

    just got massive post marathon low and i have a sore leg

    but yes, on leave for almost all this week, which feels nice
    Planning to do some more cooking tonight.
    That feels good

    it is good he is making you laugh now, thats a much better place to be in for you.I like the name change to Mr P too.Feels mischievous

  31.  #31ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Ah Miss Stix

    I LOVE to learn

    But lots of my work as a doctor is very mundane.its the people that interest me most.People are never mundane
    I am feeling quite excited because this week we are enrolling our first patient into a new clinical trial
    I havent done much of this before.It feels a bit scary, but in a good way

  32.  #32FlowerChild77 on August 20, 2012 at 9:40 am

    I might have missed something reading through the rest of the last thread, but has Siren Angel posted about her situation? (Parenting class suggestion, etc.)

    I’m thinking of her and curious…. <3

  33.  #33siren song on August 20, 2012 at 9:41 am

    hey sirens!

    i looooove this! i feel so happy to read this!

  34.  #34ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

    28 tam

    that *is *interesting

    I do like the way Roris stuff is so positive, whilst at the same time allowing one to stay in a certain pattern, till you see for yourself that it isnt working

  35.  #35Miss Bells on August 20, 2012 at 9:42 am

    HS keeps bringing up my move–that he will miss me–how lonely this house will be without me.
    At first I said “If you miss me–pick up the phone”.
    This morning I just said oooohhhh….
    And then we hugged for a while, for the first time since the melt-down.
    But-no kissing. No push back to sex.
    I am checking out my own feelings in his presence, and using the tools for emotional connection to increase HIS good feelings in my presence.
    I realize how IMPATIENT I am.
    But we spent the whole weekend together and he told me how much FUN it was.
    Today I move my coffee making stuff and get some bedding and a lamp so I can be comfortable in the turret.
    This feels so hard–moving in the opposite direction when he is increasing his attention to me.
    I am afraid of losing him.
    But I KNOW it works backwards of what I THINK it should be.
    Staying put after the OW incident and acting like everything is the same won’t secure his affections. Moving off and letting him figure it out won’t lose his affections. I just have to trust that this is true.

  36.  #36siren song on August 20, 2012 at 9:44 am

    i found out guy who loves me has a girlfriend! wow. it took him like 3 weeks to replace me. ha! guess he wasn’t the guy for me, with or without the dr*g problems.

    he keeps emailing me, though, and wants to see me for lunch tomorrow. i feel like declining.

    wow. i feel like a new woman.

  37.  #37ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Miss bells, stay strong

    Siren Song, um—–unbelievable.You are well rid!

  38.  #38ruth on August 20, 2012 at 9:47 am

    im tempted to say bananas but i am feeling a little frivolous

    PS Go for it

  39.  #39ALA on August 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I get the messages from the universe delivered to my inbox also! They are so light and fun… a great reminder that life is not against me… but, truly rooting for me!

    Radlove, I feel very, very happy that you are not losing your house and you and your animals are all together. I feel inspired by your honesty and openess on the blog. You are working through some incredible challenges and your beautiful, loving heart is leading the way!

  40.  #40Miss Bells on August 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

    37: Oh– i am strong enough. It’s vulnerability that confounds me. I know I could be a lot LESS self-controled and self-possessed and I feel things would be much juicier.
    Then there is this: Being a smart woman. I mean like IQ test smart. It is just something I AM. I have an extremely high speed processor. Mostly on the verbal side–and in abstract intelligence and pattern recognition. I got straight A’s mostly without cracking a book. And this is, believe it or not, a mixed blessing. It has neither made me rich nor brought me love.
    I know men don’t fall in love with the brains. But I don’t like the idea of HIDING something. Also–I don’t necessarily fall in love with the brains either, not in and of themselves. I like an ability to hold a great conversation, but Mensa membership is not required.
    HS is a little insecure in this area, though he needn’t be.
    I have started taking off my “smart hat” when I come into his realm.
    What does Rori say about this? What do the sirens think?

  41.  #41ALA on August 20, 2012 at 10:03 am

    … still catching up here. while I’m writing many more sirens showing up. 🙂

    Siren Song, this may be good practice for you to remain open? Being replace so easily and quickly is more about how a man deals with *his* emotions of heartbreak. If he still wants to see you that is GOOD! I’m learning that is what D is doing when he flirts with other women. Are communication has been so poor in the past and then we have these misunderstandings. If I can keep my heart open the communication seems to flow more easily.

  42.  #42ALA on August 20, 2012 at 10:04 am

    *our* communication… not *are*

  43.  #43bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:08 am

    this is my day, this is my day, yayyyyy elle kay yayyyy lol i feel four years old i can’t believe they gave me a car & dollars in this life. wish i was more “loose cannon” wish the car wouldn’t shut off remotely if i tried to run away to canada. wouldn’t mind the “live in a city in rainforest next to ocean & these mountains look real big” lol yumyumyum interrupt myself. punctuation. human. i define myself. oh yum that feels true & scary & open-ing…

  44.  #44Stargirl on August 20, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Miss Bells awesome boundaries and focus. Sounds like it is very attractive to someone. I feel like change is usually a good thing for me. It feels exciting to see what it will bring, although sometimes it is scary to trust it.

  45.  #45bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:12 am

    (((((((ruth))))))) thank you : )

    BANANAS ! hoorah ! i’m a badxss ! lol : ) blush-y giggle : )

  46.  #46Tam on August 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Siren Song..rebound came straight to my mind!

  47.  #47ruth on August 20, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Miss bells, i feel uncomfy about you feeling you have to take your smart hat off with him

  48.  #48Tam on August 20, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Ruth…well, MrP isn’t quite as mischievous as it might be…supposed to be ‘persistent’….ha!
    (not sure what you were thinking 😉 )

    Dark Horse suggested the name change and I must say ‘persistent’ is so much more positive than

    Besides, he has probably been the most persistent man in my life (other than when I was in relationships), so it is quite a good name 🙂
    He always seems to come back….

  49.  #49ruth on August 20, 2012 at 10:20 am


    ooh you NORTY girl!!


    Im not like that

    Tee hee hee

    (well, not much)

  50.  #50Sunshine on August 20, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Thanks Heart! I love your Siren name:)

  51.  #51April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:25 am


    I feel a sweet little tear forming just in the corner of my eye. It happened as I read through your posts on this new thread.
    You are using feeling messages. I don’t know if you are doing it on purpose and/or having to force it, but to me they read so naturally.

    I feel moved.

  52.  #52bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:25 am

    wah wah wee wah ouch sounds computer click & everything cold here & confusing. i do not like office work. but it would feel nice to sit up at the front in my daddy’s office & click all the buttons i like & help him & have lunch with him & ride back & forth with him : ) i feel so curious if that would “work” & if i can do that or if that is what i want. am i reverting back to childhood ? or am i contemplating a move “forward” – is there a “backward” even ? like, that’s not that possible, but maybe it is, like the out in of the waves hm

  53.  #53bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:27 am

    feeling grateful to my body. hot water melts the toxic out & hugs my little shivering cells : )

  54.  #54April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:28 am


    Is it your birthday?

    p.s. Bananas made me chuckle out loud

  55.  #55April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:28 am

    sorry bloom-ing

    bloom-ing, not bllom-ing!!!

    Ha ha

  56.  #56ruth on August 20, 2012 at 10:29 am

    April Rose
    thank you
    I feel cherished reading that

    yes i am doing it deliberately
    it feels a bit strange still

  57.  #57ruth on August 20, 2012 at 10:30 am

    i dont think there is a backward
    just another way

    if that makes sense

    (ooh god, that just triggered me big time about my job)


  58.  #58bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:33 am

    “There’s got to be another way !”

    i find this so moving. i feel so moved & amazed & scared / frozen… hm “opposite” of “moving” hm hello ! to me ! hello ! i’m here listening to myself – how love-ing : ))))))))) i feel proud & shaken & scared.

  59.  #59bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:35 am

    ruth, i feel curious about…….. where ? if ? …. how it looks to you on “a road less traveled” omg i feel triggered too….(((hugs))) “i have all the time in the world” burst like giggle fit & i can’t even smile i’m so scared EEEEEEK EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK screaming out loud !

  60.  #60April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Miss Bells,

    ‘Taking off the smart hat’ around men is a total yes-yes for me. I’ve had such positive results. Especially since I stopped trying to ‘prove myself to my daddy’.

    I know I am smart. And, I want to save up my intelligence to make my way in life. I want to drop it around men if it means more fun and intimacy.

    I feel so hesitant to present my vulnerability, even though I know it breaks down walls between me and a man.
    I pray to be more vulnerable with WM. My defences cause huge double defences in him, it seems.
    Then I think “why should I back down? ” especially when my resentment levels are high.

    *Resentment* please melt yourself and let me shine forth!

  61.  #61bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:36 am

    april rose, it is : ))))) thank you for thinking of me : ) i feel “jubilant” & like i have been given flowers & i’d like to *curtsy* blushing, present you with the biggest one : ))

  62.  #62Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I am feeling so blah today ~

    I just drove 20 minutes to buy myself a Greek Salad for lunch, hoping the treat would lighten my spirits a little, but it tasted like chalk – except for the green olives – I can still taste those – lol.

    I knew on Friday that i was not going to make it through the weekend without trying to see GM again. I posted “I want to play” on his FB on Friday, hoping he would take the hint and ask me if I wanted to get together . . . ugh – Bad Calypso . . .

    He did not respond and I felt depressed all day Saturday. I cleaned my bedroom and went to bed early and slept late on Sunday. I just let myself snuggle up with depression until I had enough.

    Finally I got up on Sunday and spent some time with my mom, but then I started thinking maybe GM would still want to get together that evening . . . I’m an eternal optimist and a sucker for punishment . . .

    I texted him . . .

    “Have you been tearing up the town this weekend?

    GM: “No – cleaning house”

    Me: “Haha – me too! Just dropped momma off”

    Me again: “You going to _____ this evening? Want a playmate?”

    GM: “I’m buffing out a Camaro for a guy”

    Me: “Ok”

    GM: – Sent me a pic of the old car and said, “A REAL Camaro” (This because I drive a new Camaro)

    Me: “Very Nice!”

    Me again: “I’m not offended. I agree!”

    So an hour passed and I went home and started thinking . . . Bad Calypso . . .

    Me: “How about I bring pizza and watch you work? 2 of my favorite things . . . lol”

    GM: “Owner is here”

    Me: “So . . . a large pizza then? Lol”

    Me again: “I’m more bored than horney . . . sick of cleaning this house . . . ”

    Me again: “Sorry – I know you are working! I will leave you alone 🙂 ”

    UGH . . . tears, self loathing . . . three hours passed and I was sitting on the couch watching TV and about to go to bed when my phone suddenly decides to tell me I have a missed call . . . of course it was from GM.

    I have horrible cell service at my house, so I go outside to call him back. It goes straight to voice mail. In the past, when we were together and he would call and not leave a message, I’d ask him why he didn’t leave one and he used to say, “You missed a call from me . . . That’s the message” SO . . . I HAD to call him back. I tried again and voice mail again – so I left a message . . .

    “Hey – Sorry I missed your call . . . I um . . . just saw I missed your call. Bad reception out here . . . anyway – I’ll talk to you later . . . ” OMG – I sounded lost and pitiful. More tears, more self loathing . . .

    What is wrong with me that I would give my heart and soul to a man who does not even want me? Why do I feel so alive when we are together and so dead inside when we are apart?

    I made myself email a couple of POF guys this morning, but Lord above – I can’t do this!

    I may not keep this salad down . . . the proessure of not crying at work today is making my stomach hurt. part of my problem is my youngest son leaves for USMC Boot Camp in 3 weeks . . . I am feeling so alone and I just wanted to share a pizza witht he man I love and watch the a$$ buff out an old car – is that really too much to ask???

    And now I’m crying . . . at work – lovely!

  63.  #63siren song on August 20, 2012 at 10:39 am

    yeah, he’s taking her on a trip to italy that we had planned. sigh. after knowing her for 3 months. oh well.

    he told my friend on friday night that his new lady was ‘crazy’ and that he ‘was still in love with me’.

    but…he has a very serious drug problem (which i didn’t know about until after we split) and i’m happier without him. so much happier.

    i’ve come such a long way in the past 3 months. it’s like night and day!

  64.  #64bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:40 am

    & feel so hungry & it feels so JUICY. i feel so grateful for food ((((body)))) awww i feel so grateful for my gratitude even…… i feel moved by my own attentiveness to my feelings

    “is it possible” keeps lifting its little head in my mind… go back to sleep you old dragon lol

  65.  #65Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 10:40 am


    13 – it was coming out of hypersensitivity.

    Maybe I was also trying to help you be aware of the attacking nature of asking the innocent question. Let me reframe for you to show you what I mean:

    Emerson: “You would die for him? You love him and yet he is telling you it’s a friendship?
    RAdlove have you ever tried a CODA group”

    Reframe: “I hear you saying, ‘I would die for him. I love him yet he is telling me it’s a friendship.’ I feel concerned, because I found myself in a downward spiral in the past when I was in a similar mindset. I found a lot of help thru a CODA group. What do you think or feel?”

  66.  #66siren song on August 20, 2012 at 10:41 am

    yeah, we went from planning to get married and him remodelling his house for me to move in to him this winter to him travelling to europe with a new woman in the space of…3 months. kind of intense.

    i feel much better and that’s all that matters.

  67.  #67Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 10:42 am


    39 – Wow, thank you! I feel like I just had a big beautiful gift placed on my lap out of nowhere!

  68.  #68siren song on August 20, 2012 at 10:42 am

    in *with him, not *to him

  69.  #69April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Re. being smart

    Rori says men love smart women.

    She also describes a scene (which I love) in which a woman is working away – in this particular scene the woman is talking with high-powered executives in her offfice – and she is totally in her masculine, capable energy.

    Next thing, the clock strikes 5 o’clock – the executives leave. The woman switches her bracelet to her other wrist (denoting that she is changing into feminine energy). She walks out of the office door and straight into the arms of her husband/lover/date and melts into him. All her masculinity of the day is gone.
    She has become Venus, love goddess, melting and happy – a woman ready for fun. She has done her thinking for the day, and left it behind her at her workplace.

    Okay, so I embellished the story a little bit! But the essence of that is what Rori conveys.

  70.  #70ALA on August 20, 2012 at 10:46 am

    I feel scattered on the blog. When I’m typing and the topic changes and my input feels irrelevant. *pouty face*

    I feel a little growth from my date yesterday. He was attractive and gentlemanly. I caught myself looking into his kind eyes and feeling that I would be safe with him. Wasn’t really getting my hopes up or feeling anything like expectations. I sometimes felt like I do with my family. EVERY TIME I would begin to say something I was interrupted. I wasn’t feeling very sireny with him at all. His is parting words to me were were “If you think of anything you want to do give me a call” and POP… he burst the bubble of having any romantic interest between us. I feel that I met a friend… that’s all. Last night I was thinking about all the fun things we could do together, setting up imaginary dates, taking control. Oh, I could slip into masculine mode very easily with this man. But, I’m not gonna do it…

  71.  #71siren song on August 20, 2012 at 10:47 am

    very nice image, april rose!

  72.  #72Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Ah ((((Calypson))))

    I so completely understand what you have written as I feel in the same boat!!!

    I had to see him this weekend! And, I knew it would make me feel sad after when I didn’t hear from him the next day.

    Today – reminding myself why I went no contact for over three weeks. It is in my best interest to not be with a guy who does not give me the relationship that I want.

    And, I have also been on POF. Got one guy interested and then put him off all weekend because my vibe was too caught back up with the other guy and I didn’t feel open.

    Okay, okay I can choose me over the guy who doesn’t completely choose me. And, this will pass. And, I will be fine.

    Calypso – be sweet to yourself the you that wanted that love and attention. Blaming doesn’t help. Choosing to take care of yourself is where it’s at. We have all done things and most of us (me) have acted needy at times. Big hugs to you!

    Big hugs to me too! Having him sometimes doesn’t cut it! I choose better for me.

  73.  #73bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:52 am

    gosh i can imagine what it must be like to date me…. i feel afraid & “scary” at the same time – strange. i feel very guilty & unworthy & as though i belong “in a box” or a “cage” until “everything’s decided” “et cetera” lol magician tricks – the illusionist who actually kxlls his “victims” wow hm how terrifying ! i want to open the curtains in that scene i built, ah see now in the sunlight it’s just some old boxes. a mannequin, not a body ((((girl)))) it’s ok i brought a flashlight

  74.  #74Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 10:53 am


    62 – Awww, I feel your pain. Can I bequeath to you my crown…as the Queen of Overfunctioning? :-/

    I’m just trying to bring you a smile…I have done stuff like that SO many times with R…and the feeling afterward is not worth it.

    Can you give compassion to your weak parts? Can you give your hug a heart and give yourself a ‘brava’ for choosing Greek salad when you could have had something decadent?

    Baby steps….be gentle with yourself…

  75.  #75April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:54 am


    If there is one thing I have learned it is that they cannot stay away from us when we are happy and enjoying life.

    I wish for some of that for you, sweet siren.

  76.  #76bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 10:54 am

    “what if i do something scary & really mess it up?” i don’t know : ) hahaha i really don’t know about that or anything. ick “consequences” what is real ??? “what is worse?” ick “weighing” ick ick ick yuck ! i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know thank you!

  77.  #77Dominique on August 20, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! Day,
    Jumping froggies hooray.
    Ladybugs, butterflies floating so free,
    Dusting bloom-ing with fairy,
    Dust and rainbow colors bright,
    Sending loving sunshine delight.


  78.  #78April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Happy birthday to you
    Happy Birthday to you
    happy birthday dear bloom-ing/elle kay/ baby girl/queen of the fairies/charmer of -dragonflies/mistress of illusion/lover of lions…..

    happy birthday to you…….

  79.  #79bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:00 am

    part of me wants to go “home” to my parents’ house & “start over” & that sounds so WEIRD to me & freaky & not-real & not-cool……… “but daria did it” mkay “& dancing siren did it too” okokok, but you LIVE WITH someone – who you take as “partner” – yes ? yes-ish… oh weird girl what in the world. i feel scared a bit. i feel like starting over. i feel like choosing a different way. & i feel scared & “mean” & ……. “witch-y” & “phobic” lol judging myself (((((judge))))) “what’s real?” lol i don’t know ! if i knew, i’d “do it” or something

  80.  #80bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:01 am

    awwwww YUM thank you!!!!!

  81.  #81Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Happy birthday!!

    Wow, lots of positive vibes on the blog or is it just me?
    Loooooving it!!

    Loving MrP too, and his ice block charm…hehe…I feel so so amused and giggly about the ‘will you help me selling my stuff’ translated as ‘I would like to see you, yes my Condo is free’.
    Tough, as I have another place to stay were not fast enough, i had my trainers on and skipped into another apartment… I feel mischievous… 🙂

  82.  #82Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Starbright and Radlove – Thanks for the hugs and for understanding where I am . . . where i keep going back to. I’ve gone as long as 2 months with no contact with GM, but the minute I see him or hear from him I go right back into the pattern of just wanting to be near him.

    I want to smell him and hear his voice and watch him move. I tell myself I don’t need a relationship or a committment – I just need to be able to be with him once in a while. I know I deserve so much more than that, but I can’t see myself having these same feelings for any other man. I’m 48 years old, was married for 23 years and I have NEVER felt this way about a man before. he is the only one who has never made me feel like he could ask me for something that i would not be willing to give him…

    It’s hard to explain, but even when I first got married, I loved my husband, but I always held something of myself back from him – he could easily push me too far with his emotions and I would lock mine down – he loved me way more than I ever loved him.

    With GM – I feel fearless (Even when we were a couple and I did not think we would ever break up) – I knew he was The One and I wanted everything for us. I don’t know how to let that go. I really don’t want to let it go. I’d rather wait for him to wake the f**k up!

  83.  #83Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:03 am

    what will happen?
    It’s all so exciting now, even if nothing happens….yeehaw. I have my flights booked and tons of CD’s lined up….the beach, my friends….
    la la la la.

    Oh positivity, please last another couple of days…yes you can!

  84.  #84Miss Bells on August 20, 2012 at 11:03 am

    #69: That is a very good story. I feel like I am putting on my girl hat sometimes.
    And there is a different kind of intelligence that feels feminine, but the kind I was talking about IS masculine. It let’s me write books and run a company, and pound out an academic essay of 5000 words at the last minute and still get the “A”. It is a little competitive.
    And that I am glad to check at the door…

  85.  #85Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:04 am

    82, ah Calypso…uh….what happened I did not catch it all?!

  86.  #86bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

    & i feel sad, because i think cd is perfect. & SIGH i feel so drained & tired & “adventured-out” loose sails. bag of wind. WOOOSH empty & also somehow i feel unsure that “i am the right partner for this man” — & that feels WEIRD. because…. he’s so nice to me. & he can really read my mind a lot & he just does what i like. & i know i DO NOT like to live with my parents… but i do kind of…. i might love it. i might hate it. that’s not really “the question” …. i want to be like eloise & live alone in a hotel HM you are a weird-o little girl, but thanks for sharing with me. i appreciate it & it calms my shakiness to really hear you talking out loud – thank you

  87.  #87Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

    April Rose – Thanks for that wish . . . maybe this next weekend will be better. I’m renting a 3 bedroom cabin and a pontoon boat and having a lot of friends and family to celebrate my baby leaving for Boot Camp.

    GM is invited – but even if he does not come, I hope I will be able to relax and enjoy the moment.

    However – I also know if GM does not come, I will post pictures and updates on FB that he will see, which will keep me thinking of him and what he might be thinking . . . it’s like I might fake having a wonderful time just so he will be attracted . . . Ugh…

  88.  #88Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Calypso, sorry, I read it now. Can you lean back and do your thing?

  89.  #89MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 11:09 am

    (((switching hats)))

  90.  #90Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Tam – haha – that’s the worst part – nothing even happened. I’m a wreck and it’s a;; my own doing.

    I was just so dang happy all last week because GM and I had a lovely time together last Sunday night. Of course, the only reason we did was because i invited myself to meet him and then we laughed and danced and went to bed together… But still – I was happy all week.

    So – of course I wanted to see him again this weekend – acting all casual, since we are “just friends”, but he did not cooperate this weekend and I kep pushing until I felt like a sad rejected child. Now my happy is gone . . . I feel empty and alone and very, very tired.

  91.  #91Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Tam – I know I need to and yes, I CAN lean back and do my thing – It’s just very hard when i feel so dead inside and so freaking emotional at the same time. I do not know how I am going to handle my son leaving in 3 weeks – I spend all of my time pretending that I am doing great, but I’m not. I need an anchor . . .

  92.  #92bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:13 am

    & also puzzling, as i feel totally excited to go home tonight ! & maybe pick up chinese food OOOH yum that sounds good & get my nails done & go cuddle up & watch bedknobs & broomsticks. & somehow also i have a parallel fantasy where i run home to the house i grew up in & hang out with my lovely parents & go to sleep early & write a lot. is that what i want ? should i do what i want ? is that the way to make decisions ? then i’d never make a decision. you always make the right decision. i believe that. ok, so i’m doing fine, i may leave, & that will be fine. i’m not sure i can stay – so many urges to revise that & i won’t turn around on it. i have rights & stuff. but i have “ties” & sadness & love… is this just dust ? i don’t know. “i should see a therapist” oh, hm, maybe. not sure that would help, but if you feel that suggestion, i’ll do it… swirly emotions, i don’t even feel upset or unbalanced, i feel good ! gentle smile, strong spine : )

  93.  #93bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:15 am

    i’m “sabotaging myself” at work right now. so weird. so weird to “catch myself” at it… “odd” hm & i feel determined to carry on, so…. “fxck it” i guess lol : ) it is my birthday. i’ll make chaos if i want to ! lol ((hugs))

  94.  #94Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Radlove – Ok – I finally just now laughed at the Overfunctioning Crown . . . I will wear it with pride for the rest of the day – I just put my glasses on my head to help me remember – maybe that will help me lighten up…

    maybe I’m about to start my period . . . I’m extremely irregular, so it’s always a surprise, but that would sure explain today . . . whew – runny nose now – very attractive.

  95.  #95Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Happy Birthday, Bloom-ing 🙂

  96.  #96bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

    wow, just scanned the blog & felt so “separate” or… “not affected” by anything anyone (including myself) had written. i feel very strong in my quiet heart – like “above” like floating – shearing – what’s that word ? i feel “cleaved” the touching space – the “out of body” oh, right. i remember & i wrote it down for myself & just now i feel resistant to it again (((resistance))) how interesting. “yoke myself to the discipline of love” hm i feel so constrained by my language… & so pleased & amazed at infinite meanings. thanks

  97.  #97Starla on August 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

    I called in sick to work today

    Love to me

  98.  #98Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 11:20 am


    Dr. Patricia Allen says it can take up to two years to get a man out of our systems. And, when we see him, smell him or hear his voice that the two years has to start all over again.

    I felt like with so much going on in my life with work changes and a lot of family togetherness accompanied by that time of the month I started feeling panicky and wanted to see him. Then I really felt more needy …ugh!

    When he sat down next to me and I smelled him I thought of Dr, Patricia Allen!!!

  99.  #99bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:20 am

    thank you, calypso !!!! : ))

  100.  #100bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:21 am


  101.  #101ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Almost seven years ago, I walked away from a job i had worked all my life to get to(hospital consultant)
    I had never had more than 2 weeks away from work
    I took a year off(I *had* to, i was so ill).Work was my whole life, my whole identity
    then i went back to work, and for a while worked at the same level
    but three years ago, i accepted a job at a lower level
    i get weekends off to run marathons
    they get a massive amount of experience for quite a lot less money

    i am still not entirely comfortbale with the idea but it is another way
    And, its okay

  102.  #102bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:25 am

    “is it normal” to feel so wish-y wash-y ? i feel the dual urge to Stay & Go Home to my mama… (((little girl))) it’s ok i swear. i don’t know about how or why it is, but it just is & all will be well & all will be well & all manner of things will be well. thank you. i feel calmed. i love my self-soothing thank you

  103.  #103Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:26 am are your own anchor. 🙂

    You don’t need a man for an anchor.

    The ‘just friends’ thing feels cringey for me because I am in danger of getting sucked into it also….because of my own issues. then again it feels to me that I might just be strong enough now, to say no to friends.
    But I sure know how hard it is..and I feel for you.

    And yes, maybe going cold turkey will help you in two ways, one for you and the other way might be that he might step into the empty space and step up. What do you think, is that out of the question??

    In my case, every time I truly think ‘that’s it’, done. And I meet other guys and recover my life, he starts to step up..the trick is then not to lose the balance again and I need to see if I can do it…hm.

  104.  #104ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Calypso 82

    Oh god yeah

    I know

    Similar age to you .nver felt like this about a mna either, and accepting crumbs

  105.  #105Starla on August 20, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I’m having a recurring dream about being pregnant with CF’s baby. That even though I have been getting my period this whole time, it turns out I’m pregnant from the last time we had sex, and I’m showing now (in the dream). And I WANT to be pregnant in the dream. And I want to find him and tell him about it (in the dream). It’s totally messed up. That is the worst way in the world to get someone to be with you.

    I also have been dreaming that we get back together. A couple months ago I kept dreaming that he wanted nothing to do with me. Now my dreams are the total opposite.

    Yesterday I was making out (innocently, nothing heavy) with LuciferCD and I felt awful after. I felt so sad he isn’t CF. It just felt wrong. I don’t want to kiss any of these guys. They’re not CF.

    I thought for sure when I got home that when I checked my email, CF would have emailed me. He didn’t.

    Not sure what’s up with me or my dreams.

  106.  #106ALA on August 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Happy Birthday, bloom-ing!!!

  107.  #107Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Blooming – Happy Birthday to you!

    What if you took a weekend home and took care of your little girl and just hung out with mom and dad? Maybe it is just being in that space with less responsibility for a couple of days that would feel good…?

  108.  #108ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:28 am

    happy birthday

  109.  #109bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:29 am

    “the thing” about me & money is, “i don’t really need him.”

    *i* myself elle kay like to get “everything for free !” i really do & it’s possible & good & feels good & feels free thanks

    & ….. i don’t like how He tries to tell me some things are “better than” others – or “more valuable”

    feel guilty like running away.

    i’m a human. i don’t want to work for money & promises & debt. i want to work for love with my hands & my heart thank you! thank you yum yum yum

    & it’s ok. & i forgive you. thanks i need it lol : )

    ok go away. go do something. i feel scared of you. i need quiet space without whining or analyzing. thank you.

  110.  #110CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Calypso- “’d rather wait for him to wake the f**k up!”

    The problem is that he won’t…as long as you have this “addiction” that propels you to overfunction. Reading the text exchange felt uncomfortable to me as you pushed, and he resisted. I have SO been there. And I also understand that draw so very well….

    But until that vibe shifts and you really DO let go of the clingy, glubby “need”, it’s unlikely that the attraction will build for him.

    You may get occasional moments like you had last weekend, but look how crazed that leaves you?!?! It’s simply not enough with a man we want oh-so-much-more with….

    You and I have lots in common. Same age group. Similar stuff with our ex’s. (including a 23 yr marriage as well) I really feel for you right now. I have found my way to where I sit today (engaged to MY GM…) because I finally learned that the only way to bring him close was to really let go….

    Sending you lots of hugs today!

  111.  #111Starla on August 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

    bloom-ing, is it your birthday?

    OMG!!! Did you know that I am so happy that you were born!!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?

    <3 <3 <3

  112.  #112bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

    thank you ! : ))))

    & starbright, thank you for that suggestion…. i feel “overwhelmed” by it for some reason, even though i see how it seems very logical & balanced & careful. i suppose i’m feeling more dramatic & urgent : ) thank you for helping me see that… hm : )

  113.  #113Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:31 am

    The two years of time to get a man out of one’s system does not seem to far fetched for me.

    I was already totally done with MrP a year ago, we did not even talk when he invited me to go boating (and I realised that he must have sent message after message to a phone that hadn’t been working)…and I got sucked into it again. By him and the biological stuff, by the fact that he had been trying to contact me forever, the fact that he had never dated anyone else in the whole time and saved a silly bottle of champagne for half a year just for me. That’s all!!! And I got stuck again!!! It just took a day and sex and a night. That’s not going to happen to me again, my boundaries are so much better and stronger now, they already were last time.
    Ironically, I think that’s why he is back – I have more respect for myself now.

    But yeah, two years is a scary thought. Yikes.

  114.  #114MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    (((bloom-ing))) happy birthday!


    Ahhh home 🙂

  115.  #115ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    thank you Curvy Siren

    reading your post and radloves and calyspo.s text exchange is so helpful for me
    I have donr SO much over functioning that i am suprised my man is still around to be honest

    I *like* the term, “glubby”

  116.  #116Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am


    What a great story! Thanks for sharing that.

    Would you be able to elaborate on how you went about really letting him go? I am in a very similar place and could use some other ideas on getting and staying in that place of letting him go.


  117.  #117Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    110 Curvy Siren, so true and a good post, I agree with that totally.

  118.  #118Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Starbright – Wow – two years hu? That’s a long time . . . and I KNOW I will just keep on restarting the clock! And if I don’t . . . he will. I don’t think we will ever be “Done” with each other. That is one reason i hesitate to try to find a real connection on POF. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who is not going to be ok with me seeing GM every now and then . . . because I KNOW I will want to . . . i will HAVE to. I have already lost one perfectly nice (and good in bed) boyfriend because I could not resist GM when he contacted me after 2 months . . . I didn’t even care that i hurt my boyfriends feelings or that he dumped me after accusing me of still having feelings for GM – Of course I still have feelings for him! i LOVE him and I’ll not appologize for it . . .

  119.  #119bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

    i’m on such “thin ice” right now. keep getting the urge to walk away from everything. weird & powerful & interesting. thank you

  120.  #120Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

    aw Starla….it’s ok to feel like that…think of the 2 years..

  121.  #121MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 11:38 am

    ((( calypso )))


    My hope for you is to have a good time and enjoy the moment and let go of what he thinks about the pics.

  122.  #122ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:38 am



    This is why i think Rori is cool

    She would accept that you need GM in your life

    but she would advise you to focus more on you
    thats the third way-isnt it??

    One day, he wont matter any more, or he will have stepped up

    I hope you will feel a litle better soon
    be kind to you

  123.  #123Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:39 am

    118 Calypso, I did exactly the same. I dropped a guy who was going to marry me for MrP also…however, something was wrong in the relationship, because I remember feeling that if everything was right I would not even have wanted to see MrP anymore, he was initially just a ‘distraction’.
    I don’t know what to say but you’ll have to re-wire your brain, or else also GM will not be yours because he will sense that you are his and he can do whatever he wants with you – no man desires that.
    You really need to shift focus.
    Who am I to speak. babysteps…

  124.  #124Rebecca on August 20, 2012 at 11:39 am


    I have had a lightbulb moment… ((((me))))

  125.  #125Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Tam – I don’t want to be my own anchor, but i know you are right. It would just feel so lovely to have a man do it for a while . . .

    Curvey Siren – Yes – my needy vibe is turning me off – I can imagine how he feels . . . lol

    Enough pouting. That’s one good thing about me – I’m not much of a wallower. Whew – Maybe the POF guy with horses will email me back and take me for a ride . . .

  126.  #126ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:40 am

    I am learning by reading of your struggles Sirens

    I feel empowered

    I *can* do this

    I feel grateful
    Thank you for sharing and being so honest

  127.  #127Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:42 am

    BTW, I am having a real giggly day today…one guy from POF, after I have sent him feeling messages for a few days just started the convo saying:

    ‘it feels so good reading your message’

    I was giggling for a couple of minutes..hehehe.

  128.  #128Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 11:43 am


    82 – You remind me of me.

  129.  #129Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Thank you, Sirens, for all your feedback to me. I really appreciate it. Even when I disagree, I still appreciate it, and it really helps to be able to discuss it, rather than having it go in circles in my mind and heart.

  130.  #130MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 11:51 am


    Giggling with you today!

    I feel such happy little bubbles rising in my chest when a man uses FMs!

    It is endearing. It also says “this man is taken with the way I talk and wants to chew on it and try it out because it feels good to him”.

  131.  #131April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Can anyone help with scripting please?

    Untranslated message

    “I hate you. Crashing around in your overalls, looking so damn important. I don’t know how to talk to you without you being defensive. Can you please stop judging me and blaming me and making me out to be wrong because I am not doing the same amount of work as you.
    I feel helpless (told him this one already)
    Are you assuming that I will make meals for you because you are so busy doing very important man jobs moving stuff from one place to another? How many times have we talked about doing other things? I feel like you don’t care for me at all”.

    Any ideas for appreciation messages for the (ridiculous) amount of work he does (15 hours a day on average)?

  132.  #132ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Nice vibe on the Blog today

    I feel all warm and smily

  133.  #133Starla on August 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

    seriously, though, i don’t feel much for any of these guys. i’m just forcing myself to date to get over CF. At least it feels like that to me.

    i was thinking maybe i should focus more of my time on just doing activities out in the world and not so much on online dating. i miss the feeling of an organic, animal connection.

    this all just feels lame. i feel excited to be going on vacation and taking a break from the dating stuff.

  134.  #134ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

    I feel excluded and unimportant
    I dont want to feel like that
    I want us to be able to work together
    You are doing such a great job and i want to be able to help you carry on doing that
    What do you think?

  135.  #135MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

    G said

    “Thank you for sleeping over! I like it when you sleep over. You’re always in the right position for me to roll over into. Your skin always feels cool and soft and dry.”

    What? 😀

    This has been going on for only a little while! It’s new and it looks shiny and feels smooth and liquidy and luxurious! Happy and bubbly like discovering a pretty rock on the beach! oooo I want to put it in my pocket and take it out sometimes to look at it and feel happy!

  136.  #136ruth on August 20, 2012 at 11:58 am


    I feel sure this is about doinf stuff for you and not just about dating

    Though the dates must have made you feel good as well

  137.  #137Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

    133 Starla, the dating had a similar effect on me, just made me miss the guy more. So I have given myself permission to stop and ride it out and keep busy with other stuff.

  138.  #138Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

    for a few more weeks anyway

  139.  #139CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Starbright, it was a constant struggle. Talking to myself. Reading here. Reading lots of other stuff. Counseling. A real willingness to do what I had to do vs . previous attempts like Calypso described where I did things in order to APPEAR leaning back, but my vibe was not. It was really difficult, but I somehow found the strength to let go of my attachment to the outcome and every step I took became about ME.

    That of course, brought him right back and ultimately to a proposal in June of this year.

    And Ruth. the word “glubby” was HIS word. How he described my vibe back in the day. Now he literally can’t get enough of me and our future is looking quite amazing. It was a long haul to get here though. Two “break ups”. One was major and that was when all of the changes within ME really took place.

    I would love to talk with you more about this Starbright. Ask anything you’d like to know.

  140.  #140CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    happy happy birthday bloom-ing! 🙂

  141.  #141ruth on August 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    You are an inspiration Curvy siren

  142.  #142CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    starla, i so understand what you are saying. when i went through the motions of dating last summer during the break-up with my man i felt the same. I felt like I had to do it and each one was a potential distraction but all it really did was solidify how wrong they were for me…and how right he was. 🙁

    just commiserating and sending hugs to my “other daughter”. lol

  143.  #143bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    weird just weird i feel weird lol weird yum i love my weird feeling & my confusion

    thank you starla & miss stix, i feel special : ))) thanks

  144.  #144MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I have been practicing feeling sounds and the response is so fa’ so good!

    Last night when G snuggled up to me spoon style I did a very simple “mmmmmm” low and a bit growly and breathy. And he said “feels good?” and I said “mmmmhmmm” and he chuckled.

  145.  #145Starla on August 20, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    thank you ladies:)
    thank you curvy siren:)

  146.  #146Tam on August 20, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    curvy siren, totally inspirational, I am trying to walk the path that you already walked…and make it all about me. The results have been good so far and I am trying hard not to stray from the path when he gets into contact…it’s

    Hard work 😉

  147.  #147bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    aww, thank you, curvy siren : ))) i like reading your stories : ))

  148.  #148CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Aww Ruth, thank you. It feels really nice to hear that but I think I am really just a testament to what really “working” these tools can do. It’s changed my life on many levels…

  149.  #149Tam on August 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Oh, I just saw MrP on POF. Growl.

    Nah, he can try to find someone better than me. Go and try..hehehehehe.

    In fact, I had so many messages from men that suddenly remembered that I was due to come back to Florida (this amazed me, they paid attention…), that I am feeling quite smug about this.

    I feel scared of my momentary positivity…oh, I don’t want it to go away..

  150.  #150MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Last night we watched Hunger Games and I was really into it towards the end and there’s a part (i’ll leave out spoilers) with the beasts where they almost get his foot and I jumped…And he laughed at me and put his hand on my knee.

    I am practicing not being a “tough guy”. (((toughness)))

    Every day (((progress))) (((practice)))

  151.  #151Starla on August 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    i miss you ladies; i miss having internet at home. my laptop is going to die soon and i have to go back home from this restaurant and be alone, lol.

  152.  #152MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    I feel it really sinking in now. This “getting it”.

    I feel resistant to feeling excited about this. It feels like BIG EGO. Huge puffy out chest.

    Feels nervous.

  153.  #153MissStix on August 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm


  154.  #154Starla on August 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    alrighty gotta go:)

  155.  #155CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Tam, your situation reminds me so much of my own without the geographical challenges. I see so much of my man in MrP. Keep doing what you’re doing ….you’ve got this stuff down. Your vibe has been amazing lately. And that’s your only job here…

  156.  #156CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    thank you bloom-ing. that means A LOT coming from you! wow!

  157.  #157Emerson on August 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    18 miss stix
    Thanks for your feedback.
    I’m not sure what is confusing but maybe it’s because the typed word does not come across the same as the written word. I was actually expressing surprise and feeling a bit shocked by the statements so I was restating them that way and again the written word may be interpreted on a different way than intended.

    I’m going to stop explaining myself now.

  158.  #158April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I feel so f*****g angry!

    WM is saying “I need to tell you…” “I just have to explain to you….”

    Aaaaarfgh… I just want him AWAY FROM ME. Condescending tw*t.

    After I said I don’t want to hear it, he left the room and I discovered I had to lift a heavy crate of beer. Dammit, I should have let him move that first.

    Pulling the crate out of the cupboard, I cracked my head on the door frame.


  159.  #159Daria on August 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Happy Birthday Wonderful Blooming!

  160.  #160Emerson on August 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Sorry I meant written word versus spoken word. I’m on my phone right now and it’s hard to see what I’m writing sometimes.

  161.  #161Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Radlove – @ 128 @ my 82 . . . I’m sorry to hear that – lol

  162.  #162Heart on August 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Tam – I feel worried …I don’t want you to get caught up on your manboy again…I am glad u feel positive…

  163.  #163Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Sirens – thank you all so much for the feedback today. I don’t know what I would have done if it had been one of those days when I felt “unheard” . . . I don’t want to talk to my girlfriends about this situation – they have to be sick to death of the GM drama. One is married and the otehr is single (after her 3rd divorce) and not interested in dating. Neither of them can understand why i don’t just get over GM and move on . . . Geeee . . . why didn’t i think of that???

  164.  #164Heart on August 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    lol April Rose…Funny!

  165.  #165Daria on August 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    oh wow thinking of dating me feels triggering!

    i suddnly feel an overhwleming sadness

    i wouldn’t awnt to take me to ‘fly shit’ and cool events 🙁

    i don’t know i don’t get that vibe from me

    i would just want to take me somewhere local and cuddle well really have sex w me

    and listen to me talk

  166.  #166April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm


    Thank you for your scripting suggestions. I like them a lot, and when I calm down I will try using them.

    Trouble is, despite my best intentions each morning, I end up hating him by the afternoon.

    I hate him and when I hate him I know I will never back down/give in/give him what he wants.
    It looks like he is doing the same thing. God forgive me, I hate him so much at times like this. I made him something to eat in the end (felt like I had no choice, cos I felt guilty and also cos I didn’t want his judgement on me as selfish).
    The food is going cold on the table because he is saying “I just need to finish this job…”

    I feel like slinging it in the bin.

  167.  #167bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    omg i CAN do this project i have for work. i am totally capable & i know it can feel easy, because i have thought about it & i have a plan. HOWEVER, for reasons only my tiny self knows, i am INCAPABLE of actually DOING it. why ? why ? lol i love the catch in the action ok maybe i can do it… i would feel so embarrassed, but also “within my rights” for my boss to try & meet with me & me say “sorry : )” lol oh lk do you have a power struggle ? yes. oh, ok. well carry on then. i know not to mess with you. is this a “bad thing” ? no. i just do what i do. sorry. ok. thanks

  168.  #168Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Tam – I saw GM on Match a few months ago – it blew my mind when he showed up as my match of the day. I read his profile and could not help but respond – I told him his profile sounded like he was pi$$ed off and I asked him who he was mad at . . . lol. He sent me a wink . . . we go round and round . . . and round.

  169.  #169April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm


    Thanks for your sympathy.

    God, I’m so p**t.

    Somewhere in the back of my brain there is a little girl who is finding it funny (like Heart)

  170.  #170bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    it’s the walls i think omg lol i strike myself as “cr8zy” yellow-wallpaper-style now haha awwww

  171.  #171Daria on August 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    if i were a man i don’t know what vibe a woman would have to put off for me to take her to such events…

    mabye she’d have to talk and ask about them!

    whic hi don’t

    oh it feles likle such an effort!


    i know if i date myself and take me men will too

  172.  #172bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    thank you, daria!

  173.  #173Heart on August 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    LOL April Rose…ROFLMAO….you’re my Heroine of the Day.

  174.  #174April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Thing is I KNOW I can be so loving and open, and hold a high spiritual space of giving, forgiving and love.

    This f*****g prison I live in twists that. I am almost sure of it.

    Who the h*ll else would live in a 19th Century purpose-built prison where they used to hang people and send them to Australia, and whip them and lock them in filthy cells?

    Even if it has been converted to a theatre for over thirty years, it still feels like a gaol. YUK!!!!!

  175.  #175Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm


    I feel so super inspired by you! How long did the process take of letting go of the neediness and your man coming back into your life? Did you do no contact for some time?

    I keep thinking that I need to be bringing in more good things that are really fun for me so it won’t feel so much like I’m am letting go of so much.

    I also don’t feel like I can see him while I am working on me. I feel way too tied to him to stay relaxed and date him and others. I’ve tried that so many times. At this point I feel really good at times with him and then I will feel really bad when he isn’t around. I want so much more than he wants to give me right now so I do feel the need to go my own way. If he were to step up…but otherwise I cannot keep putting myself there.

    We have such great physical chemistry! Ahhhhh!!!

    I am just starting counseling. But, so far only had one week and then I was on vacation one week and she for two! So, I think that could really help.

    I thought I could handle online dating but then I found someone interested in me and I had to ask him last night to give me some time…I used feeling messages and he was very sweet and told me whenever I want to talk with him to just let him know and he would be happy to talk with me! So, that felt good.

    With seeing the guy this week I just got so caught up again I couldn’t think about cding anyone else! Everyday feels kind of long and I don’t like feeling that I am just wishing for another day to go by hoping I don’t miss him.

    But, today is better than this past week. Interesting how it is the second full day of my cycle and that along with reading and writing on the blog today has relaxed my neediness!

    Thank-you for being there to share your growth!


  176.  #176Calypso on August 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Starla – I’m so with you – so burnt out on dating guys that I don’t care about, don’t know, can bearely remember their names . . . I need a vacation too – I hope you enjoy yours!

    I want to try to focus on improving my body right now. I could stand to lose about 15 pounds and I want to get toned. I have a gym membership and go only about once or twice a week – I want to go more and i just ordered an energy shake online that is supposed to be the best thing ever . . . it may be all hype, but just paying $120 bucks for a month supply of a suppliment might give me the focus I need to put ON ME for a while. I need to sweat GM out of my system!

  177.  #177April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Heart, baby, please can you tell me what your abbreviations stand for?
    I feel so silly not knowing
    (or maybe it was the bump on the head…..)

  178.  #178April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I didn’t mean that they “hang people and send them to Australia”

    It was usually one or the other

  179.  #179Daria on August 20, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Miss Bells im like that too 🙂

  180.  #180bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    if i were a man…… lol. idk i’d like a girl who wore lots of bangles (???) & had messy-clean cr8zy hair & only makeup for playing & …… danced on-stage (i’m going to teach my daughters – don’t go BACKSTAGE at concerts – get ONSTAGE lol)…. sirens aren’t groupies, we’re stars lol : ) i like that. UMMM & i’d like rope sandals & hiking boots & …. clothes from goodwill.

    hm i do like myself, & i see where i “shut myself down” in some areas, like “too much” or something. “too good” unworthy ouch

  181.  #181Heart on August 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    April Rose – Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off (Roflmao)
    LOL – Laughing Out Loud

  182.  #182April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    This bang on the head has given me an idea……

    hee hee hee weeeeeeeeeee

    He is doing all this crazy work for MY benefit. Because he is so head over heels in love with me. Of course!!!!
    I should have seen it ages ago.
    He is trying to create a decent environment for me in this old h*llhole. He knows I’m not happy in this shabby, dowdy environment.

    The filthy job (while his dinner goes cold) is one of scraping dry rot fungus off the ceiling (25ft high) in the theatre auditorium.

    He is doing ‘hero’ stuff. For me. Of course! What was I thinking?

  183.  #183Tam on August 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Curvysiren, I know you used to say before that you found my situation resemble yours.
    I am just flabberghasted (love that word), that it turned around so much for you. In some ways mine has turned around a huge amount already, well ok he has changed also and has become much more open and kind of loving and caring – in the good moments.
    The real change is me though, and I do feel hopeful that this is a lasting change.
    I used to chase him when he pulled back two years ago, I was frankly ridiculous then, doing all the stuff I now cringe when I see others do it.
    Now I don’t do any of these things and I just try to take it at face value, and I do actually get surprised. But I could still never imagine this man proposing to me (or anyone), that is so far off on the Richterscale…I don’t even think he ever lived with a woman…so I don’t really expect miracles. And I know there are other men.

    Heart…don’t worry. I already had my lowpoint with the guy about a year ago, and it’s not going to happen again. I know how to take care of me, even though it would hurt to walk away…I am prepared to walk away if any of my boundaries are getting violated. I have done it before, and he actually had to work pretty hard to make me change my mind. He also knows that I have changed, everything he says and does now show me that he knows and respects and he is wearing velvet gloves now. I like it. But he is who he is. And I know him very well…
    Still, trust me, I would rather be alone than be with someone who does not make me feel good. Last time when we were in the same place, he made me feel very good and looked after. the distance complicated everything and only time will tell.
    I would not consider being exclusive with him unless I had full commitment.

  184.  #184Emerson on August 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Starla your gravatar is showing up as Dominique

  185.  #185bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    i’m feeling sweetened remembering the desperate way i tried to care for myself… making food for myself, making really good food. walking all the way to the one good store to get really good ingredients. spending my own dollars. going down into the icky basement of the dorms to try to prepare happy things for myself… researching, reading. popping new drxgs to see if that was any good : ) good job & doing it the way i like it & omg wow i feel so amazed by the fact that i *i* myself little elle kay made FRIENDS i felt sad & i made like 5 good new friends. i suppose i kind of “joined” another group… but i “joined” like 3 groups ! wow i feel tingly & happy at how social & safe i was for myself. even when i was sick & small & sad. & yelling yelling at my boyfriend. “should have” ? question mark, but for some reason i just waited to break up even though i was totally “checked out” ick (((hugs))) mmm but for some reason that feels good. even magical. that we stayed & fought swimming in the river. me diving down to try to lose my anger…. mmm yes good for some “reason”… love to me ! wow i forget that’s “allowed” & i feel so moved to say it : ) LOVE to me ! love to me ! wow, for me ? for you ! love to you ! hooray !

  186.  #186Tam on August 20, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    April Rose, I find it hard to follow your stream of consciousness here right now, but I did have to laugh out loud at the latest comment…scraping the fungus in the auditorium for you?!

  187.  #187Heart on August 20, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Tam – relief….you sound really centered. I sense your boundary is strong…Thank Goodness.

  188.  #188bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    ahhh the sweet man ! he made me amazing birthday days all weekend… & now he is STILL asking me what do i want, not like the “special” is all spent… wow i feel weird & like “turning down” his offer of birthday dinner…. i had an idea of “easy” because i thought he would be busy, since he helped me & made fun for me all the days…. i think i still kind of want my “easy” idea…. & i don’t want to Reject such kind offers… wah iffy squeezy tired feelings…. i do want my “easy” chinese food pick-up & then movie in the rain. i hope it rains ! yum thunder thunder rumble rain what word is like rain ? rain, you can arc it & lengthen it & taper it like the evolution of a storm’s voice…. rain wow i feel so intense & “dangerous” even. “there must be another way” so powerful & moving. wow.

  189.  #189April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Oh, Tam,
    i feel all hangy head to hear you find my postings difficult to follow. oh. i feel lost and want to connect to you.

    i want to write so that you and i can become closer, in sisterhood. oh how much i long to connect.
    oh, i feel afraid. am i saying too many words?

    I am glad you laugh. I would love to be considered humorous, even if unintentionally.

    Big loving sister’s squeeze to you, Tam

  190.  #190April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    but still I think I ‘should’ feel offended.
    He has let my lovely cooking go cold whilst he scrapes the fungus.


  191.  #191April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I am guessing – and here I will be Right in His Business – that he is challenging himself to do all this (endless) work in order to fulfil something in himself.

    Makes me feel like he cares not for my needs.
    I would much rather spend an hour or two laughing and playing or being together in another way that’s Nothing to do with Work.

    But no. All his energy feeds this Crummy run down ancient building where the Judges Sat in their wigs, deciding who would be hanged or whipped for stealing food.

  192.  #192Tam on August 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    April Rose…you did it again….made me smile…he is preferring the fungus to your meal? maybe make sme mushrooms for him next time and say:
    I made you some fungi and now I am off out to find a ‘fun guy’ not a fungi…sorry couldn’t resist…

  193.  #193Tam on August 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm thank you.
    I can’t believe it myself, but right now I am happy to be here and not in Florida, so I have another 4 weeks to work on myself, my self-esteem and my boundaries so that I can be strong and put my own health and self-love before everything and everyone.

    I just now thought ‘ah, what a relief i am here, otherwise I’d be meeting with him and then he would try it on, and I’d have to explain that I do not want physical intimacy outside a relationship and blah’. I can’t be bothered….and actually, I don’t even crave him physically..haha..the sex was at best adventurous, and not about real intimacy except one time when we did not have sex. So I am even fearful of that because I’d have to train him a little…yeah, he is pretty hot but he never really learnt much in that department. If the truth be known, it sounds like so much work right now, I’d rather lie in bed and listen to Abraham Hicks….my rock and roll life…
    so yeah, no need to get worried…yet anyway.

  194.  #194CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Starbright~ How long did the process take of letting go of the neediness and your man coming back into your life? Did you do no contact for some time?

    He ended things with me last year, on Mother’s Day. We had no contact for a while. It was total hell for me at first, but once I got used to it and stopped obsessing was when he started reaching out again. VERY slowly…we’d get together once in a while but we were definitely NOT in a relationship for quite some time. In fact, he saw others. I saw others. We very s l o w l y started to rebuild things, but I continued dating, up until November, so 6 months. As pointless as that felt, I think it did up my vibe and level of difficulty.

    By winter, we were doing a lot together but the attraction was still nowhere near where it used to be …him for me, I should say. Mine never waivered. But I hung in there. Accepted where we were, kept my options open and mostly, built my own boat.

    He says he started sensing that my ‘boat’ was actually afloat and I wasn’t just talking about it. Since then it was a gradual uptick for us. He asked me to marry him in June a little over a year after the big break up.

    It has been a very difficult ride for me. I went through some serious hell last summer, but the best thing I ever did was to open myself up to growth and self-understanding. The counseling was very helpful but she was my THIRD counselor. It took some time before I found the right one. I was also going through a divorce at the time, so my situation was really complex.

    I feel extremely happy now. I’ve learned so much about myself, men and relationships in general. Took me a while!! I am no spring chicken, lol.

    Are you part of the Siren Island facebook group Starbright??

  195.  #195Tam on August 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Curvysiren, thanks for sharing your is nice to see how such a seemingly difficult situation turned around like that. Amazing.

  196.  #196Tam on August 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    how does one join the fb group?

  197.  #197CurvySiren10 on August 20, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    The fb group is a private, even “secret” group, so you have to get added by one of the admins. Can someone please post how to do that for those interested?? It’s a great place to exchange stories, ideas, thoughts, feelings….would love to have you there Tam. I have more I want to say about you and Mr.P but I have to run for now. More later…

  198.  #198Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 1:43 pm


    It sounds like it was hard work and also so worthwhile! And, I am no spring chicken either! I feel like a late bloomer trying to figure this all out! But, if I can do it now I will feel good.

    I feel so encouraged by your experience. I don’t have an expectation that it will be the same for me. However, it would feel good to feel strong and interdependent and be in a healthy relationship with good communication in which we are both really into each other…that sort of thing. And, I want to keep my mind on wanting the relationship rather than this one man. If it was him great, if not I want to be open to it being another man! 🙂

    I’m not on facebook, Curvysiren. So far I have been facebook less! Kind of glad I wasn’t involved with facebook with him from all I read about how difficult it can be with a man during a breakup! But, may get on soon as my family has been encouraging me to.

    Thanks again, Curvysiren! I am sure you have inspired many today with your story. And, I am so very happy for you!!! 🙂

  199.  #199bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    i want to start over. i want to never fight with my partner. meeting cd, i got the vision for the first time of how it could be with no-fights.

    he asked in his email “what does your little heart desire?” aww beating heart like a little bird…. caged in the ribs….. i love that image. wonder if our bodies “teach us” captivity… & “possession” …. or if those come from interacting with things outside of our bodies….. i wander in my mind & fantasize about painted walls & hung tapestries.

  200.  #200Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 1:53 pm


    I love how and what you write!!!

    “what does your little heart desire?” aww beating heart like a little bird…. caged in the ribs…..

  201.  #201Tam on August 20, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Oh Curvysiren, I would feel so super curious about what else you have to say about my situation!!
    I will be really grateful to read more, I find your posts and advice extremely inspiring and soothing, much like the other Ladies…
    ooh I am excited now!!
    Come back soon.. 🙂

  202.  #202Miss Bells on August 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    What do you do/say when a man is mad at himself?
    Or when they are trying to do some manwork like fixing the plumbing and it fails–hence mad at self?
    I am in the middle of this situation.
    Normally I praise such efforts, but if he thinks he failed and is angry that would just be foolish.

  203.  #203Belle on August 20, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Something coming into focus

    Just had an exchange with C and made a snarky comment which reminded me of some things I had forgotten and touched some deep pain.

    When I first started I offered to make pancakes (one of the other women cooks regularly for the guys here, we have a full kitchen) if C would pitch in and help. He was sort of vague and evasive about pitching in but kept saying he’d give me some money “later”. I didn’t press but then he said to come up on a Friday (he was working, I was off) and get it. I did, because it was relatively convenient for me.
    I didn’t have the phone number at the time to call and make sure he was going to be there, so I took a chance, but he wasn’t at work.

    I felt like maybe it was a bad idea at the time and I did it anyway.

    I felt so humiliated. I was new and these other people were wondering why in the heck I would trust C at all, and I felt like I looked like a pathetic, desperate woman chasing him.

    I didn’t tell him how I felt, really, he blew it off and I blew off the idea of cooking for them.

    I also invited him to my dreamshare group, and he promised he would go. I felt so excited, I wanted my friends to meet my friend at work that I liked so much and thought it would be so much fun. He didn’t show, and I felt crushed. He ditched our plans to go run a drug deal with someone.

    Why this isn’t an absolute turnoff, I don’t know. Drug culture has been normalized for me so for whatever reason, although I felt crushed, I didn’t feel repulsed and disgusted by him like someone else probably would have.

    My heart hurts.

    He buys different cars every few weeks, building them up and selling them – he told me he spent $4,000 for a set of tires for a truck that he then accidentally set on fire while working on it.

    I felt so pissed off.
    So the remark I made was about him being able to spend $4,000 on tires but can’t cough up $10 to help out with ingredients for cookies.

    I felt the edge, it wasn’t gentle teasing, there was pain and lashing out in it.

    I know with our short 2-week go-round, I had pretty much lost respect for him and figured he’d agree to my request to make out and wasn’t very concerned about how it would affect him.

    I’m feeling now that maybe I’ve been holding a grudge this whole time without being fully conscious of it, that I wanted to hurt him for hurting me. I wanted to hurt him for not putting me first. I wanted to hurt him for being attracted to me and wanting to mess around with me but not wanting to make me a part of his life outside of work.
    I wanted to hurt him for wanting to keep me separate, for wanting to keep me secret.

    I imagine that he’s ashamed of me and see a pattern from the past of being that fat girl that men adore but don’t dare let their friends know how much they like me. I think of how deep and far back this pattern goes, that my mother hid her pregnancy and was ashamed of me but I’m sure she loved me.
    My father wanted to have sex with me privately and shamed me and beat and humiliated me publicly.

    Tears falling, throat contracted, a lump, painful.

    I never gave C my phone number and threw his away when he gave it to me so I could have some illusion of control. I remember feeling smug about “playing the player”..but really we both were already hurting and just added more pain on top of our pain.

    I feel like I want to admit this to him, to confess that I have been wanting to hurt him all along.
    Go deeper, little one..
    What’s underneath this?
    The pain in my neck and throat is intensifying.
    Gonna sign off and feel this through for now…

  204.  #204Belle on August 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Oh, yeah, and he didn’t mention he had a girlfriend until we after we had been flirting for a while and I already had feelings.
    I’m feeling like I just wanted revenge.
    F*ck him.
    F*ck him and his ridiculous smile. Of COURSE he just walked by and saw me crying and said something to make me laugh.
    I feel so much pain in my heart right now.
    I feel grrrrrrrrrr.

    Please god why do I have to be so attracted to someone who just
    I want it to stop.
    Please stop now.

  205.  #205April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm


  206.  #206ruth on August 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Tam, you are so moving on
    feels great

    April Rose, well now

    Guess you have to make the best of a bad job

    (Dont kill him)

  207.  #207April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    I feel a constant gripping pain on the top of my head.

    Like a large hand squeezing my skull dry.

    Now WM has finished the fungus job, eaten his cold food, and is now in front of his computer with earphones in.
    I spoke to him for a couple of minutes. Oh, it was weird, he did not hear me, did not look over. He stayed immersed in some TV world.

    He took his earphones out momentarily to inform me that he was ‘switching off’.

    I feel yuk

  208.  #208ruth on August 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    aw belle


    hang on

    One minute at a time

    it will pass

  209.  #209April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Now he is making comments out loud about the telly. He still has earplugs in. It’s as if I didn’t exist, and I am in the same room.

    Grippy head pain feels grippier.

  210.  #210Belle on August 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Truth be told
    I don’t want to be over it
    I don’t want to lose those feelings of attraction
    I like the pain of it
    It feels good
    It feels like something
    It feels real
    When I am with my friend who I know loves and appreciates and needs me in a healthy way
    I feel flat
    Like I’m going through the motions
    There is so much ease though, that I know it’s true
    I know it’s real love
    It feels weird though
    Like something is wrong
    It’s just easy with her, and gentle

    But the pain feels more real

    Love love love and compassion for me
    sweet precious baby it’s just all you’ve ever known
    no worries
    no blame
    no blame
    no blame
    One breath at a time
    hand on heart
    Love is healing this
    we can let it in
    It can be different
    We are good enough to be loved
    the past is done
    right here right now accept and feel the pain and let the body do what it knows how to do
    so much pain in my chest
    I want to get away from it
    crawl out of my skin
    I’m sorry I’m sorry I totally meant to hurt you and I even kind of knew I was doing it at the time I’m so very very sorry

  211.  #211April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 2:40 pm


    Somewhere inside me I feel calm. Calm and assured that this is not for me. I know I want a healthy and happy relationship with a man.
    It’s that simple.

  212.  #212Tam on August 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Ruth thank you. I feel like I have moved on as in remained on my horse, but I don’t trust the peace, if you know what I mean.
    I don’t trust myself 100% yet..and I need to get there first before I get into anything with any man…

    I know there’ll be good and bad days. Hm.

  213.  #213April Rose on August 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    I feel so excited about my new role as parent to my little girl inside me.
    I intend to give her all my love and care.
    I will be there for her and honour her, and calm her fears.
    I will allow her full self-expression.
    We will have fun together.

    If a man wants to be with us, I will check him out to make sure he is an honourable man who loves and pays attention to his inner little boy. That way we will trust him and play with him and share ourselves knowing that we will grow together.

    He will enjoy cooking and be good at it! He will enjoy sex as lovemaking, and he will desire me body and soul, and he will play with me and my little girl and we will feel seen and cherished.

    We will live a rich full life together and always think the best of each other, even in moments of conflict.

    We will be married.

  214.  #214ruth on August 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    April,Rose and tam

    Any calm place is good


    I managed to thrwo dinner all over the floor per cooking, sigh

    We ate out but i fee like a bloody failure

  215.  #215ruth on August 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

  216.  #216Daria on August 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    mmm i bathed vacuumed and washed my sheets… im feeling lovely now breathing yummy air

  217.  #217Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    I just had another video call with Diesel! It went well, and he was posing some really complex ethical questions. I found it almost impossible to respond in feeling messages, but I did my best, between sharing my beliefs.

    He brought up about the way a man relates to a woman, and then asked me how I feel. I pretty much parroted Rori, saying I believe a man is more of a provider, protector, and nurturer, and a woman is more into being, feeling, and receiving. He said I wowed him out by my response, LOL!

    It went well, and he said he’d call me tomorrow, and it ended with him smiling a big smile! I hope he asks me out tomorrow, because I feel nervous and tongue tied about saying I don’t want a phone/video only relationship.

  218.  #218Daria on August 20, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    blooming! hey! i wear rope sandals and hiking boots!

    whoa! 🙂

  219.  #219Daria on August 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    yay Radlove!

  220.  #220Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm


    Happy Birthday!!!

  221.  #221Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm


    218 – Thank you!

  222.  #222Emma on August 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    Hi Everyone,

    My ex just called me crying his eyes out saying he’s never felt so alone and he sees the world as a really horrible place and he hates his life (he has depression). I didn’t know what to do. I listened and tried to say soothing things and mentioned the doctor’s/therapy to make him happy again- he says he doesn’t deserve to be happy.

    He said he broke his phone so is using his old one and found loads of old photos (me and him I presume) and he said it had got him thinking… he also went into university today (where we met) and said he hated being there and he’s really upset now he’s handed all his work in for good. He never expanded on what he was thinking about or why in particular he was upset- he just said ‘everything’ and he had no one else to call.

    Eventually he said he had to go- he apologised lots of times for calling me. I said okay and wished him goodnight but I feel horrible. My insides feel so painful- anxious, upset etc. I just wanted to take away his pain and I can’t. I’ve texted him saying if he can’t sleep then he should call again- I said I want to talk to him anyway as I don’t like him being this upset. He hasn’t replied. I’m really worried about him. And it’s totally screwed me up. I’m not over him and still love him but he is crippled with depression.

    I feel like putting myself to one side, forgetting all my dignity, self worth, self love- forgetting all that would be worth it if it meant i could prevent him from ending his life or if I could make him better. I don’t feel it is a sacrifice- I would be happy again one day- at the moment it seems like he never will be. I don’t know how to handle this at all. I just feel horrible and sick and worried. 🙁

  223.  #223Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 3:51 pm


    221 – Wow, that is something! I would just be a listening ear and supportive. And just follow my heart.

  224.  #224Emma on August 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm


    Thank you.

    It’s a tough one. I don’t feel like I can lean back… i feel like I need to be the one leaning forward… I suppose if I forget any kind of relationship and just be supportive… and at the same time I’m not like ‘I LOVE YOU!!!’ and professing my undying love all the time… if I’m just really nice and loving and supportive… and expect nothing in return… I can’t get hurt that way…I feel hurt already. I just wanted to cry and hug him I miss him so much but instead I just had to hear him be upset with me. I guess I’ll just be myself… and be open for him

  225.  #225Siren Angel on August 20, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    M and I got back together last night. I am relieved I followed my instincts on this one and delivered a message with lots more Feeling Messages than the one I had listed here on the blog and FB page. Also, I gave up total control, put the oars in his hands, told him how I felt (putting my hand to my heart and telling him I feel my heart trembling and the need to express how I authentically feel) and told him literally ‘I am putting the oars in your hands, it’s your decision, it’s all up to you’. I did go into detail about the parenting teleclass, and told him it feels masculine to bring up a solution, to try to fix things, and he said ‘no, parenting classes are very feminine’.

  226.  #226Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Siren Angel,

    Oh, I feel so happy for you! It sounds like you really listened to your heart and expressed yourself well!


  227.  #227Siren Angel on August 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm


    Radlove I believe can add you to the FB group.

  228.  #228Siren Angel on August 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm


    You are an inspiration to me!

    My 3rd breakup with M in 1,5y (although this one just lasted 2 days… and not 2-3 weeks like the others)

  229.  #229Siren Angel on August 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Thank you Starbright!

  230.  #230Starbright on August 20, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    SA: 🙂

    Now to see if I can keep moving with the inspiration of you and Curvysiren towards my happy after relationship!


  231.  #231Siren Angel on August 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    This post really speaks to me right now. Thank you Universe and Sirens and Rori!

  232.  #232Daria on August 20, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    wow Siren Angel that sounds AMAZING!!! yayyyy

  233.  #233Belle on August 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    I feel more calm.
    C called me and asked if I was feeling better, told me that regardless of what had happened he cares about me and wanted to me to know.
    I told him that it felt good to hear it.
    On the way out, we hugged and I asked if he had a few minutes to talk after work, he said yes.
    I apologized to him and told him I was sorry, told him how I had felt humiliated and had really wanted to hurt him, using FM’s.

    He was looking me in the eyes for a while. I leaned back the whole time, hands soft and facing forward. His eyes were steady on me, and he told me again he cares for me and feels good that we are not enemies. He told me he felt nervous and had cottonmouth, and we were laughing. I leaned all the way back against my car and he stood in front of me, I kept my hands facing forward, we shared some of our feelings about playing cards together at lunch.

    He didn’t want to leave and I wasn’t going to let him off easy. He didn’t say much after that, I talked about how good it felt to be in the shade and how the breeze felt and focused on being in my body. I told him I felt softer and more relaxed, we chit chatted a few minutes about my new place, more silence, soft, comfortable silence.

    I shared with him some feelings of jealousy I had earlier, he just looked at me and nodded. He finally said he was going to go and jokingly barely touched my hand because we both know our chemistry is ridiculous and neither one of us was trying to get that started up again.

    He followed me down the road and at the light rolled down his window to tell me, “Now I feel like a punk because I couldn’t even hug you!”
    I burst out laughing…
    and we went home.

    It was pretty easy, it didn’t feel like drama, despite us both feeling nervous and me feeling pain I felt relaxed.

  234.  #234Daria on August 20, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Belle – your story feels endearing and captivating! i felt like i was there seeing this

    i felt good when he said that to u

    i feel a lil thrill

    and also a lil fear and sad

  235.  #235Rori Raye on August 20, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Miss Bells! Stay away from him when he’s screwing up! Love, Rori

  236.  #236Vi on August 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Stiff shoulders, tight tummy and the mouth… still YUM!!!! I am a safe place 🙂

  237.  #237Belle on August 20, 2012 at 6:25 pm


    So can you see where I’ve been projecting? 😀
    I’ve asked myself the questions I asked you earlier, trying to logic myself out of my feelings.
    The guy is a hustler, a player, a charmer, a user, immature, manipulative
    (oy…like me in so many ways!), a cheater
    I feel the way I feel.
    Do I deserve better?
    It’s surprisingly difficult for me to say yes.

    I feel so sad when I notice hope rising up that he and I will have a relationship someday, that I can’t seem to make it stop when it’s so illogical.
    It is very very challenging to be gentle with myself and welcome the feelings and let them go.

    What I noticed about the whole thing this afternoon with asking him to talk and after that was the lack of tension. It didn’t feel tense to ask him to talk, it didn’t feel compulsive or urgent, I didn’t feel like I had some big confession or feel terribly guilty, I just felt like I wanted to acknowledge my dark side and treat him like a real, live human with feelings.

    Yes, the lack of tension, at least on my end, felt really good.

  238.  #238LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    I just have to share this quote:

    “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

    Wow! how self accepting is that?
    I feel impressed, eyes wide open, reading it over and over.

  239.  #239LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm


    Awwww Siren Angel 🙂 clap clap clap!!!

    I instantly felt smiley reading your news.
    Very inspirational.
    What stood out for me in this issue, was his reaction to shut you out.
    From here, it looked like a man who didn’t feel respected.
    But I guess he feels differently now.

    My heart feels so warm when I read about teamwork in a relationship.

    Please keep us posted on how it goes.

  240.  #240Belle on August 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Thanks for the hugs and encouraging words.
    I still feel tears and a lump in my throat.

    I know this isn’t really about him, this pain and hostility has been with me a long time.

    I feel so blessed that I have, in so many ways, taken the pain of the past and turned it around.

    So I’m going to listen to the note from the universe tonight and focus my attention back to being the most amazing ME I can be for now.

  241.  #241bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    ohhhhh poor woe is me lol. UM daria, wonderful ! i actually skipped out of work a bit early & stopped to get myself a pair of sandals – & they are rope : ) & also kind of weird & wiry with sparkles or beads woven into the rope. i feel happy : )

    feel sad too because i got home “early” (but still “late” – later than “usual”) & cd wasn’t home & he still wasn’t even after i had a shower. & i felt pouty & walked out of the house in my nightie to see if he was at the neighbor’s house & he was coming home just at that moment, but i felt salty so i had “an attitude” & then i still thought i was right for a while & now i see neither of us are right or wrong so i apologized for being salty & he was just over to grab a tool he needed to make a treat for me that i like so BAD girl ! now i look extra mean. & there was a pile of presents for me… & a big sparkly party hat…. & i feel a bit mean. i also feel confused. like, i saw the presents & it is my birthday, but i swear i had the idea like oh i’ll never see what’s in there. not like “i never will” just like… i did not see them as Mine – nor did i wonder what was in them. i felt honestly shocked. & actually i was curious about one of them because it’s weird looking but i never got to the “receptive” idea of “wow i feel excited to open that” so strange. oh well. love to me love to me, forgiveness to me forgiveness to me

    see ? he’s playing video games now. he’s ok. i didn’t Break him by being Sensitive or Unjust or Jealous or anything. he’s also making me things i like. thank you cd ! thank you! thank you !thank you! thank you! wow i have a lot of gratitude for him Thank you! yes, i appreciate you & i think you’re wonderful. thank you

  242.  #242LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    I started listening to Reconnect your Heart in my car again this morning.
    I haven’t listened to Rori in my car all summer.
    I feel lost.
    Rori’s soothing voice will surely help me find myself again.

  243.  #243LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:16 pm


    I’ll follow in your footsteps (((Belle))).

  244.  #244LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Happy Birthday bloom-ing! xox

  245.  #245bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    THANK YOU lilibee !!!! that’s just exactly exactly what i needed to read right now : ) i feel smashingly happy ! i’m wearing a big hat a foot tall with sparkles and shiny circles & i have a guilty-feeling heart that i get when i’m mean to a loving man. i’m wanting to get away from those ideas, as pondering them gives me spiky heavy feelings (spiky hot summery legs & almost like fever when it gets like that & YUCK the horrible horrible terrible fear of a first page in a journal or diary – thank gxd, i am over that)… & then i just got it back again, but i’m not even “discarding” it, i’m just re-filing it. picturing a blonde woman in a green suit & pink lipstick & gloves, small hands, opening the filing cabinet (the publishing company) & she just – slips – the file where it goes, so graceful. idk that’s soothing. oh gosh cd is wearing the hat now & he says there is cookie dough so i can have birthday cookies & my mama’s fancy cake is in the fridge (what’s left) & now he’s dropped the pile in my lap

  246.  #246LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    My match subscription expires in 2 days.

    I returned an interesting man’s wink.
    I noticed he’s a smoker, but trying to quit.
    I feel turned off.
    I want to stay away.
    I smoke.
    I don’t want a man who smokes.
    I want to quit, I don’t want a man who will deter my will to quit when I finally succeed.
    D can’t stand smoke. It turns him off.
    He smells it on me even after I spritz my throat with breath freshener.

    This is a big roadblock I built to help keep me safe in my fear of intimacy.

    I’ve been reading Christine Arylo on identifying the fears that block us from our happiness.

    I’ve been feeling angry and sad at lack of intimacy and affection in my relationship this past month.
    I cry and have temper tantrums and storm off.
    I feel immature like the child I was begging for my mom’s attention, then storming off in my room and shutting the door.
    Like f-u I don’t need you anyway, I can shut you out.

    Stepping out of that old familiar comfort zone on Sunday: I’m quitting poluting my body with this smoke.

    I’ve gotten on a really healthy eating habit and stayed on it all summer.
    I resisted the McD’s craving for the past 3 days.
    I ate a healthy meal and drank plenty of water.
    So I can do this with the cigs.
    I’ll replace it with speed walking, even in the winter.

    I will feel so awesomely proud and happy to accomplish this.
    I’m feeling that feeling of accomplishment right now and sinking in it.
    I feel energy throughout my whole body.
    I feel my eyes glowing and sparkling.
    I feel alive!

  247.  #247bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    me too lillibee i feel you i really do

  248.  #248bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    oh & lol, thank you for the birthday wishes! originally, in my post above, i was thanking you for sharing the marilyn monroe quote – i felt moved reading that & your reaction to it : ) thanks !!

  249.  #249LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    I’m quitting smoking so I can receive the affection I want and need.
    No more hiding behind the smoke screen.
    And I want to be healthy.
    I want my rosy cheeks back.
    It feels scary.
    I feel anxious.
    I feel stiff holding in the anxious energy.
    Letting go of this addiction feels like my whole body being plunged into a pool of icy water.

  250.  #250bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    lillibee i feel i could have written everything you’re writing & i feel so moved to be able to read it “in someone else’s voice” – it feels very soothing. thank you for sharing : ))

  251.  #251LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    I feel happy to see you having such a wonderful bday bloom-ing.

    I feel sleepy.
    I look forward to feeling energized and focused at work tomorrow.

    Goodnight xox

  252.  #252Memulo on August 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    He called last night but didn’t leave a vm
    so I didnt call back. This afternoon he texted and i replied as soon as I saw texts, but then he texted and called tonight and I missed the call, and no vm again so I didn’t call back. Feeling weird about it.

  253.  #253LiliBee on August 20, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Your words sure feel soothing to me right now bloom-ing.
    Thank You for being here and being You 🙂

  254.  #254Memulo on August 20, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Happy birthday Blooming!!

  255.  #255Memulo on August 20, 2012 at 8:00 pm


    I feel very happy for you. If I may say so.. perhaps one day you will break up with him just to let him feel it in full lol

  256.  #256bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    i feel so weird & confused. i love the things cd got for my birthday, & they are things i will enjoy. but they are mostly “for us” – & he even said, “i assume you’ll share” & one of the things (a really neat thing) will obviously be shared. that feels good. i guess it’s not possible for him to buy me a gift that isn’t “for both of us” …. i’m hearing femininewoman, “are you choosing relationship?” i don’t know. i guess when i buy a nightie, i consider both of us. is that strange ? is that weird ? oh actually this nightie i just bought just i like it. that’s fine. i did imagine him, but more like “curious” than anticipating / judging his reaction. that’s nice. whatever. & also i got my nails just how i wanted. they’re pretty even though they’re badly done. cd said the same thing. kind of want to slap him when he says my nails look bad but i think boys just talk too much. sweet men.

    & i like the ribbon & the colored paper & that’s a gift. & the record i’ve been wanting is so pretty in 3d. i had only imagined it, not looked it up so i felt shocked to see a picture & a self-portrait of the artist. wow. i feel so moved.

    the german verb change. i keep accidentally hitting the caps lock button. i’m secretly in a shouting screaming mood. i’ve done that before. i feel like asking, have you ? once on halloween i screamed behind a sorority house. i’m so sorry… kind of… haha i wonder if that’s lxgal… & into a parking garage. parking garages have a very satisfying acoustic environment.

  257.  #257Memulo on August 20, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    craving for attention. Even to be asked how are you. Hows your family. How do you feel. How’s work. Something.. little token to let me know that I am cared about. It feels nice to be trusted with tough stuff. Now I want to feel protected

  258.  #258bloom-ing on August 20, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    thanks, memulo

  259.  #259Memulo on August 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Funny Blooming and LiliBee what you write i could not have written.. for most part. Maybe blooming but not LiliBee. I feel less focused on myself.. more giving? Perhaps.. more compassionate? I feel curious to try it your way.. push my level of comfort.. even a small push will feel big to me. How hard is it to be more selfish? what will happen if I am?

  260.  #260Memulo on August 20, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Blooming I’d feel strange ‘to share’ my birthday gift! Maybe that’s why I didn’t get any lol. Seriously, bday gift is all about me! Ok I can share dinner;) nightie is a great gift btw, I’d gladly share this one too;)

  261.  #261Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 8:44 pm


    How are you? How’s your family? How do you feel? How’s work?

  262.  #262Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    I’m such a good girl!!!!!! I didn’t text R and he fiiiinally texted me (after texting me at 2 am, which I ignored). I am a good Siren afterall, folks! LOL!

  263.  #263Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    R loves to ask questions, and I especially liked this one:

    What do you think makes you a woman?

    Here was my response…anything else to add?

    As a woman, I feel feelings of softness, gentleness, beauty, tenderness, love, compassion, bonding, touching, feeling, nurturing, caring, understanding, warmth, giving, receiving, and openness in my heart, and they are all central to my identity and my outlook on life.

    My breasts are a physical reflection of my identity as a woman: they are like a soft pillow that gives softness, warmth, nurturing, and beauty, while receiving admiration, enjoyment, and love. My vagina is also a physical reflection of my identity as a woman: it receives a man’s most private part in softness, pleasure, and openness, giving back the product of love, a child.

  264.  #264Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    I fiiiinally got a job interview, after 1.5 months of jobhunting! Yay! It’s for another technical writing job, outside the pharmaceutical field, which would be a welcome break!

  265.  #265Radlove on August 20, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    I love those old fashioned dresses with a gigantic bow at the small of the back, tumbling over the butt. I see it on a movie I am watching about the life of Vincent Van Gogh, Lust for Life, 1956. I love the fitted bodices, too.

  266.  #266Tam on August 20, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Radlove, I feel so happy about your job news!!

    Still waiting for Curvysiren’s comments to me…hehe..I can’t wait. Impatience is my middle name. I am trying to curb the impatience also where men are concerned….it has helped!!

  267.  #267Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Lilibee I quit smoking overnight practically. It’s cuz I got away from toxic ex and also cuz I read an article about links between bladder cancer and smoking and it freaked me out.

    You can do it. Sometimes I still miss smoking but when I try to now..after 5 years…I feel sick.

  268.  #268Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 12:15 am

    Lilibee I’m sorry u feel lost… Why? You don’t seem lost

  269.  #269Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 12:16 am

    I decided I’m going to make a new vision board!!
    I don’t know what I want! I need to see it to clarify!!

  270.  #270Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 12:18 am

    I know some of what I want but it’s not clear ….

    Also I need to get over the fear of success !!!

  271.  #271Tam on August 21, 2012 at 12:39 am

    MrP wrote another email telling me he could really use my help with selling his things.Yeah yeah, I got it first time and I said ‘yes’ already. So this time I just ignored it and talked about something else.

    Kind of odd. He never asks for help…perhaps it’s a sign of our friends status now but nah. He likes me there, Sirening around his house and sitting on the patio reading a book when he comes home…he loves it really…hehe… I feel good at that place, perhaps it shows. Totally relaxed, like it’s my place, kind of weird too (I find it almost impossible to relax in other people’s places). Hm. I had a bf for 6 months and he lived in this clinical house, and I just never felt at home, I felt soooooo uncomfortable there, like it was a show home and we were a ‘show’ relationship….and that’s what it was. When the kids were there I felt like always in the way, wherever I stood or sat, I was always ‘moved’, always in the way. Even cooking together always felt awkward, never natural or nice.
    I never had a ‘place’ in that house, it had been the former family home and I almost caught hostile vibes from the place…the bathroom off the Master bedroom had no door because, of course, he had moved in there with his wife of many years, before they divorced. They needed no door….urgh. I needed a door!! 😉 I felt so uncomfortable. Yikes, I always had a raised heartbeat in that house, like a frightened rabbit. I feel so good that I don’t have to go there again. Relief. If we had gotten married I’d be living there now…I would still not feel at home.

    In MrP’s house, I always had a place on the couch right next to him! Only I got to sit there, none of our friends when I am there! That feels good. I feel comfy, relaxed. Like people and stuff has to move around me, not me having to move for anyone or anything. Queen 🙂

    After the split up with the bf, I never heard from Mr ‘I love you forever’again….interesting. I could have called him ‘Mrgivesupeasily’ – I feel happy that it ended quickly, and that we realised we had no friendship base. However, I was surprised that he gave up straight away. I actually had left a door open for him/us to try and work things out – he was not at all interested. He was a great man, he’d do all the things that we all wish from our bf’s….flowers, weekends away etc., telling me he loved me 10 times a day….but it never felt real to me. Yeah, I admit. I used to think it never felt real because of my issues, that he was actually MrPerfect for me and I was in resistance to something that ‘should’ feel good. I thought it must be my emotional unavailability… really thought that. But fact is: it felt fake. It did!!
    And now I trust myself, I may not be perfect but I do trust my intuition now.
    I remembered that he ran out of my apartment at 5am one day, in a huff, because the night before I fell asleep and there was no sex….he was very demanding in that department and straight away felt ‘unloved’ when we didn’t do it one day. In the end, he came to my place after work and jumped straight on the bed. I wanted to go outside, have fun and relax…but no. I remembered the pressure of having to be in the mood 24/7. Because the ex-wife ‘witheld sex’ and he used to bring it up all the time. So exhausting. I felt in the spotlight for being a ‘good gf’ all the time.
    I could not help comparing to MrP….who, after me delivering this speech one day he tried it on: ‘I do not want sex unless I am in a committed relationship’….he actually looked at me with big eyes, said:
    ‘oh well, I am going to take a cold shower then’ – walks to the bathroom, takes said shower (singing), comes out all smiley and says ‘ok, all done, you missed out..ha ha ha, let’s go out!!’. Very funny now, at the time it was too…

    So finally I realised with the sex pressure, that this was not an ideal relationship either, with the 6 month guy, he was not ‘my’ MrPerfect at all.
    So now I do no longer beat myself up to let this good man go. he was not good for me. Though in many ways he was a very very good guy, wonderful father etc.
    But I’d happily trade him for someone who doesn’t say nice words but makes me feel at ease and feel good by doing, showing, respecting. Whoever that is.
    Hm. I am musing Sirens, forgive me!! But I am learning through writing this. Weird, eh?

    On the ‘helping’ thing: MrP has a problem with keeping his house in order and I offered him many times to help (pre-Rori)…one time he took me down for a weekend, and we actually spent a few hours fiddling around in the house as a ‘decoy’ before having lots of fun doing other stuff, go out and about…but he hated me helping him.
    He was doing ‘man’ things around the house and I was helping him with the cleaning..I was quite happy and we laughed a lot, but whenever he saw me do ANYTHING that felt awkward to him (pretty much anything involving me cleaning), he just stopped me. So he stopped me constantly, in the end I gave up and was watching a movie on the couch!!! Then at last he seemed happy. So much for helping!!!

    So this ‘help me please’ does meet with my suspicion…as it is totally unlike him. I still feel amused, and even more amused that he asked twice.
    It might never happen. Now he makes a big deal and by then, he has probably changed his mind. Or I have. After all, I am taking bookings for dates now…so he is right to ‘pin me down’ for in a months’ time cause I might be booked out. It’s no joke either…

    Being a Siren, I can change my mind last minute about the ‘helping thing’.
    Being a Siren I can do just about anything I want.

  272.  #272Tam on August 21, 2012 at 12:43 am

    Emerson, can you explain for this Siren, who is still in the Kindergarten of Sirenness, what a vision board is?
    Seems you have already graduated from high school…help 😉

  273.  #273Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 1:48 am

    A visionboard is like a scrap book. You attach use it to create a visual of the things you want in your life by cutting out pictures. I have a picture of a couple holding hands on the beach, another with a wedding etc.

  274.  #274Tam on August 21, 2012 at 1:56 am

    FW – aw. Thank you for enlightening me.
    That feel like a really comforting thing to have and do….maybe next month when I am by myself, I will start making one..if I do it now, my father will think I have lost it totally after my recent ‘stories’… I don’t want to scare him. 😉

  275.  #275April Rose on August 21, 2012 at 3:34 am

    I just got a really lovely e-mail from Rori about How to Turn Sadness around in seconds.

  276.  #276Tam on August 21, 2012 at 3:43 am

    April Rose, really? I haven’t…sounds like a great thing though..

    maybe you could do a ‘copy and paste’ jobbie for us??


  277.  #277Rebecca on August 21, 2012 at 4:03 am

    Woah! I feel like I’ve just had 2 messages from the universe

    Firstly Rori’s email “From insecure to man magnet” – soooo appropriate for me I feel. It was like I was reading about my own life. Scary!

    Secondly, I found an old Marylin Monroe poster in my loft and later on that day I accidentally put a hole in my wall trying to put s picture up. So I put the poster over it and it looks great! Much better than the small pics.
    I just used to think posters didn’t look right in my flat. I thought it needed a frame.
    Also looking a the pic of Marylin I realise how much I relate to her. Okay, I’m not a blinde bombshell! But her smile and demeanour hid all of her depression and pain. And that feels like how the world sees me. I’m always smiling and joking on the outside.
    I remember, in the film My Week With Marylin she is devasted when she reads that Arthur Miller regrets marrying her and sees her as a woman/child… I felt so sorry for her. I could imagine what that pain would be like…

    I just wish I could learn from it somehow? What do other sirens think?

  278.  #278Rebecca on August 21, 2012 at 4:05 am

    ..apologies for my appaling grammar !

  279.  #279Rebecca on August 21, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Lol, and spelling!

  280.  #280Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 4:57 am


    266 – Thank you! Did I hear your would like to join our Sireny group on facebook?

  281.  #281Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 4:59 am

    It was really quiet on here last night!

    Here is Rori’s article that April Rose referred to:

    How To Turn Sadness Around In Seconds

    Hi, This is Rori –

    Have you ever felt like your heart was just – lumpy, heavy, small? Not depressed, not angry, not “down,” just more like an “ache”?

    When that happens to me, it’s like all I’m sewed up – like an embroidery or needlepoint. It feels like everything’s tight, nothing’s loose, and there’s an edge to every thought. And – what I really notice is I can’t put my finger on the reason for it.

    I’ve figured out a way to make this work FOR me, so try it and let me know if it works for you:

    I started noticing when this feeling comes on that I’ve gotten triggered by something. I might be driving home from an appointment in a neighborhood that holds lots of memories for me – good ones and some weird old ones, or I might have met someone who looks like someone I once knew (doesn’t even have to be someone who once hurt me) – all that has to happen is that person brings back the TIME, long ago, when I felt bad.

    Then I noticed, when I used my Tools and started relaxing parts of my body – shoulders first – a burst of sadness would come through me. You’d think the sadness would feel worse – but it doesn’t!

    Try it yourself. The sadness feels BETTER. It’s like a relief. It’s like you can RECOGNIZE the feeling, even if you don’t know why you’re feeling it.

    And then – here’s the really cool part – instead of going back to that time, or trying to figure out what’s bothering me in my HEAD, I DELIBERATELY continue to TRIGGER MYSELF. That’s right – I make it worse.

    So – if it’s the neighborhood, I’ll drive around, I’ll actually LOOK for triggers, looking to BRING OUT the feelings. I keep letting go of my shoulders and then there’s more sadness. And then I see it’s a bit gray outside…more sadness….

    NOW, I’ll start talking to myself.

    Try it: Ask questions.

    Ask, “Okay, what’s going on here?”

    Perhaps you can put your finger on some things: “I feel nostalgic for an old time, and I’m starting to feel fear, as though I’m running backwards over my life because there’s a wall in front of me and my life’s about to end. I feel a doomsday feeling, where I don’t want to move another minute ahead in time – I just want to go back somewhere safe. Or – I’m thinking about HIM – a man who hurt me.”

    Try to keep it all about FEELINGS, about sensations in your body. Really try to tune into your body instead of trying to THINK it through with your brain. Keep “dropping into” your body and your heart.

    Now just switch your focus to something that’s right in front of you. A car, a tree, a blade of grass. Experience how THAT feels. Bring yourself back to the present.

    Breathe, and LOVE whatever feeling you’re feeling now.

    Once you discover how quickly feelings can change (or, as I like to say: “morph”)- you won’t feel so stuck. You’ll know there are ALWAYS feelings, and you don’t have to label them or judge them.

    The important thing is to just “ride” with them. Just feel through them.

    Let me know how this feels to you – and to get extra, personal help the way my clients do, check out my “Love Forever” Teleclass program. “Love Forever” isn’t available in my regular program catalog – you can only get access it to it directly through me right here==>>

    Love, Rori

  282.  #282April Rose on August 21, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Hey Radlove,

    What time is it where you are?
    Are you up very early today?

    Nice to see you

  283.  #283April Rose on August 21, 2012 at 5:13 am

    Oh, and thanks for posting Rori’s article.

    I wonder why Tam didn’t receive it by e-mail

  284.  #284Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 5:13 am

    I had a wonderful, positive text session with R last night. You know how Rori encourages us to literally lean back, like lay on a sofa or whatever, while we are talking with a man? I took it to a new level…in between texting him, I set up my vibrator and was pleasuring myself as we texted, without telling him. I found it enhanced our chat nicely!

    He asked me what makes me feel like a woman. I could have said a lot of things, but I said the things I really wanted to communicate to him:

    B: I most feel like a woman when I feel protected and nurtured by a man.

    Then a little later I said…

    B: It would feel so good to fully express my femininity if I had fewer responsibilities.

    R: How would you express it?

    B: I would get massages, pedicures, facials…spend serious time working out, draw, paint, write, dance, sing, and spread my legs a WHOLE LOT! :-p

    R: Beautiful

    B: I would enjoy giving my man massages, bubble baths, tantric massages, cooking special candlelit dinners, massaging his feet, just anything I could think of to make him feel good. Especially giving him long, deep massages…in my Yoni.

    R: Wow

    B: Smile!

    B: I want to be a soft pillow that a man falls on, dick first. LOL! (Credit to Daria for that one!)

    R: Haha. U seem pretty frisky tonight.

    B: Yeah! I always am, really, but I usually hold it inside.

    R: Oh

    B: I feel snuggly.

    R: Nice

    B: I am just feeling more and more open. It feels good to be an open book.

    R: Hahaha, yeah

    R: What kind of underwear would you like to see a man wear?

    B: Snug, solid colored underwear that set low on the hips, like red, blue, purple, or green.

    R: Cool

    B: Or boxers with a picture of the Tasmanian devil, LOL!

    R: Hahaha

    B: What is your favorite part of the vagina?

    R: I love ALL of it!

    B: Haha! Vaginas and penises feel amazing, especially TOGETHER! 🙂

    R: Yeah

    R: Do you like having ur neck kissed?

    B: Yes! It feels like a secret tickle all the way to my Yoni!

    I felt really good about it, and it was intimate, connected, and about feelings.

  285.  #285Belle on August 21, 2012 at 5:14 am


    I have been wanting to create a vision board for weeks now!
    I don’t have magazines, or funds for magazines, and I have checked out the thrift store and used book store and come up with nada.
    Do you or any other sirens have any suggestions for free or nearly free ways to create a vision board?

  286.  #286Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 5:17 am

    I had a wonderful, positive text session with R last night. You know how Rori encourages us to literally lean back, like lay on a sofa or whatever, while we are talking with a man? I took it to a new level…in between texting him, I set up my vibrator and was pleasuring myself as we texted, without telling him. I found it enhanced our chat nicely!

    He asked me what makes me feel like a woman. I could have said a lot of things, but I said the things I really wanted to communicate to him:

    B: I most feel like a woman when I feel protected and nurtured by a man.

    Then a little later I said…

    B: It would feel so good to fully express my femininity if I had fewer responsibilities.

    R: How would you express it?

    B: I would get massages, pedicures, facials…spend serious time working out, draw, paint, write, dance, sing, and spread my legs a WHOLE LOT! :-p

    R: Beautiful

    B: I would enjoy giving my man massages, bubble baths, tantric massages, cooking special candlelit dinners, massaging his feet, just anything I could think of to make him feel good. Especially giving him long, deep massages…in my Yoni.

    R: Wow

    B: Smile!

    B: I want to be a soft pillow that a man falls on, dick first. LOL! (Credit to Daria for that one!)

    R: Haha. U seem pretty frisky tonight.

    B: Yeah! I always am, really, but I usually hold it inside.

    R: Oh

    B: I feel snuggly.

    R: Nice

    B: I am just feeling more and more open. It feels good to be an open book.

    R: Hahaha, yeah

    R: What kind of underwear would you like to see a man wear?

    B: Snug, solid colored underwear that set low on the hips, like red, blue, purple, or green.

    R: Cool

    B: Or boxers with a picture of the Tasmanian de/vil, LOL!

    R: Hahaha

    B: What is your favorite part of the vagina?

    R: I love ALL of it!

    B: Haha! Vaginas and penises feel amazing, especially TOGETHER!

    R: Yeah

    R: Do you like having ur neck kissed?

    B: Yes! It feels like a secret tickle all the way to my Yoni!

    I felt really good about it, and it was intimate, connected, and about feelings.

  287.  #287Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 5:22 am


    284 – Here are some places I would look for free magazines, like I would go and ask if there were any outdated issues that were no longer wanted:

    Friends, schools, retirement communities, libraries

    I would also look at yard sales. I want to make a vision board too. Right now I don’t have time, but it is a very worthwhile thing to do, and I love to have goals set before me visually!

    One thing I do is keep my favorite pair of size 12 black jeans in my drawer, and now and then I will look at them, remembering how good I felt wearing them, picturing myself wearing them again.

    Losing weight is really the key to my happy ever after. It will give me health, and I will feel more attractive to a man. Rori told me once that if I lost weight, R would see me in a whole new light, and it would really help shift my vibe. I am doing better, and I have lost 5 lbs since the winter. It isn’t much, but at least I am going in the right direction.

  288.  #288Daria on August 21, 2012 at 5:30 am

    Radlove – i see some major improvements in your communication ! Lovely feeling messages and less questions of him…

    Some tweaks I would make are that when he responds to a feeling message, I would either remain silent until he picks up the questions again… or respond to what He has written, instead of following the previous train or thought


    B: It would feel so good to fully express my femininity if I had fewer responsibilities.

    R: How would you express it?

    B: I would get massages, pedicures, facials…spend serious time working out, draw, paint, write, dance, sing, and spread my legs a WHOLE LOT! :-p

    R: Beautiful

    Response: 🙂 thank you… that feels good

    or 🙂

    or {silence}

  289.  #289Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 5:43 am


    Thank you! That helps! I want to always be refining. You know what I found helps me?? When I am texting him, I picture sharing it on the blog the next day, and I try to guess what you would say about it. LOL, then it helps remind me to stick with feeling messages! Giggles! 😆

  290.  #290Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 5:49 am

    April Rose,

    282 – Oops, I just spotted your post. It is now 8:50 am here. Yeah, not sure I woke up. I let myself get plenty of rest. I felt rested, so I went with it.

  291.  #291Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 5:50 am

    April Rose,

    283 – I think those Rori newsletters only go out to those who took the Love Forever class? Not sure. But I have Love Forever going to one email address, and everything else going to another.

  292.  #292LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 6:28 am


    Hi Memulo,

    Taking care of myself no longer feels wrong to me.
    I dissociate it from ‘selfishness’.

    When I take care of myself, I feel good in my own skin.
    I feel free and open to give without expectations.

    My expectations feel tense, they leave me feeling empty always yearning, chasing after something. They leave me feeling disconnected, hanging in the air, ungrounded.

    Taking care of me makes me feel connected to myself and grounded.
    When I feel that way, I feel more comfortable just being when I’m with people.
    I feel more open to receiving, then I can give without expectations…and the waterwheel keeps turning.

    I feel less selfish and more generous in giving of ‘myself’.

    Does any of that make sense?

  293.  #293Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 6:34 am

    “This is how I define staying in feminine energy: lean back, relaxed, contented, receptive, open, warm, welcoming, non-judgmental, sweet, inviting and present. Being present is a very important part of it. Guys can feel it when a woman isn’t truly present or is not with them (busy with her cell? That’s extremely unattractive). Another indication of not being present is when a woman is worrying about the future and is agenda-driven. Those are the representations of masculine energy, and again are very unattractive to guys. So if you want to attract masculine energy guys, be the polar opposite of who they are.”

    ~ Katarina Phang

  294.  #294Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 6:37 am


    291 – That is beautiful. I am still learning to tap into that.

  295.  #295Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 6:41 am

    “What is my seduction secret? My eyes. But I just realize how it’s not intentional though. The eyes are the window to the soul. Apparently when I find a guy attractive my eyes just light up and emit these “come to the bedroom with me” signals. Involuntarily, of course. My ex told me that “he knew I was a slut” -uhmmm, excuse me- the second he met me through my eyes. Dylan told me “Uh-oh, those eyes again….” whenever I was all hot for him. He just knew it. Get your bedroom eyes ready. Do you know how to do it?”

    ~ Katarina Phang

  296.  #296LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 6:43 am



    Your #292 completes my #291 very well 🙂

    Taking care of me allows me to be and feel like #292.

  297.  #297MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 6:50 am


    Lovely vibe in that latest convo! Very flirty, and you DID come across very relaxed. 🙂

    I believe you can lose weight…I lost 50lbs. I had some serious food addictions. If I did it, anyone can!!

    HOWEVER lady…I believe you can have R looking at you in a whole new way without losing weight. Yup. Definitely can.

  298.  #298Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 7:20 am

    RE 287/285


    Is “: I would enjoy giving my man massages, bubble baths, tantric massages, cooking special candlelit dinners, massaging his feet, just anything I could think of to make him feel good. Especially giving him long, deep massages…in my Yoni” masculine or leaning forward?

    I understand not following the previous thought but the later part felt like feminine dirty talk just that I was triggered by the “giving” vibe.

  299.  #299Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 7:24 am

    RE 287/285


    Is “: I would enjoy giving my man massages, bubble baths, tantric massages, cooking special candlelit dinners, massaging his feet, just anything I could think of to make him feel good. Especially giving him long, deep massages…in my Yoni” masculine or leaning forward?

    I understand not following the previous thought but the later part felt like feminine dirty talk just that I was triggered by the “giving” vibe.

  300.  #300Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Lilibee quitting smoking is hard. I’m not downplaying it. But I know you can do it. Smoking used to feel so comforting to me. I would smoke at night only. I started smoking when i was 18 and I moved out from my parents and I felt rejected.

    They were in their own agenda, they moved away and I was expected to survive on my own. I was in so much pain and sad sad sad….so when I got a boyfriend I climbed to him and it didn’t work out.

    (((18 year old Emerson))).

    Interesting that you equate smoking with resisting intimacy and closeness. It never occurred to me that way, but i relate to that.

    I want to continue to heal. I feel sad and scared that things will never change enough inside of me to have a healthy relationship.

  301.  #301Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:27 am

    *clinged to him not climbed to him

  302.  #302Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:29 am

    I’m having financial issues right now and it’s really taking over my thoughts. Like here you are again steuggling, Emerson you failed.

  303.  #303Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:31 am

    TextCD is never going to step up as far as I can see. Oh well it’s his loss.

  304.  #304MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 7:31 am

    I don’t like it when I see “If you lost weight….”. It irks me, and annoys me.

    “If you lost weight you’d be so beautiful!”

    Lets shift that to:

    “You are so beautiful!”

    “If you lost weight men would see you in a whole new way!”

    Lets shift that to:

    “Once you start to love every part of yourself men will see you in a whole new way!”

    “You have such a beautiful face!”


    “You are completely whole and beautiful right at this moment!”

    Losing weight was never actually an intention of mine. It kind of just melted off. The more I learned and grew and found love for me the less lonely I felt. The more I went outside and pursued activities I loved the less I boredom ate and the more exercise I got.

    I yo-yo-yod every time I tried to lose weight because I didn’t like being fat.

    Those yo yo times were good in a sense…I learned a lot about healthy eating. I knew exactly how I SHOULD eat to be a slimmer healthier person. Which is why it’s been easy to maintain my weight loss for well over a year. Although I was never successful until I simply let it go and loved myself.

    My relationship with food has changed entirely. Food is no longer entertainment. Activities are entertainment. Food is no longer comfort. My self esteem and self worth are comfort. I can eat whatever I want because what I want is mostly healthy food in reasonable amounts. And if I get my period, and crave a piece of cheesecake…I have it. Because I have no restrictions.

  305.  #305Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Do This To Create Intense Attraction In Him


    There are certain “mindsets” that women who are naturally successful in love have that draw mens attention and interest.

    These beliefs or “mindsets” trigger a very powerful response in a man. They tell him that this is a woman who is self-assured and knows what she wants and how to get it.

    These beliefs also communicate that the woman is “higher status” and thus naturally compel a man to think she’s unique and someone worth his time and attention.

    In other words, these are the “attitudes” a woman projects which make her irresistible to a man.

    It’s what a woman is saying without actually saying it at all. She says it with her body language, with the way she carries herself, and the way she behaves inside a relationship.

    They’re BELIEFS because a woman actually believes these to be true about herself and her life.

    Here are just a few:

    >>I don’t let a man determine what I want/will have in my love life.

    This kind of woman won’t “settle” for a man who isn’t giving her what she wants and needs, emotionally.

    >>I’d move on and leave a man before I’d let him ruin my life.

    This woman won’t stay in a relationship that’s abusive, degrading, or morally questionable. She also won’t put up with bad behavior from a man. Integrity and trust are important to her, and she lets him know that.

    >>I wouldn’t keep a man from doing the things he enjoys.

    She knows that her man is an adult who has the right to make his own choices. She respects his “freedom” and his need to pursue his goals and dreams.


  306.  #306Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:00 am


    296 – Right on!

  307.  #307Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:02 am

    MIss Stix,

    297 – Thank you for the encouragement! And…I think R already IS looking at me in a new way! LOL! I’m too sexy for my body! 😆

  308.  #308MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Feeling so in tune with G right now. Writing on the blog/in my journal is bringing me such clarity. It’s as if I was in tune with myself and I got very good at doing what I needed to do for me. But when it came to G and our relationship I struggled. I knew what I needed to do but I struggled practicing. Especially when I ran into the brick wall of his temper. My ability to completely and thoroughly pi55 him off. I giggle about it now because I realize that even when he was pist at me he was leaning forward and I was leaning back. My packing up and leaving every time kept him chasing me. However, it’s not a healthy or happy holding pattern.

    He has thanked me every night i’ve slept over 🙂 That feels AMAZING! I feel cherished.

    Every day and every night I practice something. Last night as I lay in his arms I breathed and breathed. Positive thoughts of love and connection and warmth swirling and swirling around in my brain. let those thoughts expand and expand until they’re flowing and cycling through my brain and body. Feel those feelings in my gead and arms and legs and tummy and in my chest. Elecricity starts to tickle my skin. I imagine the physical manifestation if my energy. My aura. Warm and yellow and orange. I project it out and out until I can literally see it enveloping us both. G throws a leg between mine, and the other over to. A leg sandwich. He starts to rub his legs all over mine saying “mmmm mmmm mmmm” and kisses my back and shoulder and neck and arm and head. He rubs his cheek on my hair and falls asleep that way. I have never seen him sleep deeper. I was energized! I lay there for a while but had to get up. I worm my way out of his clutches and he sleeps through the entire ordeal. Floppy like a fish. Dead weight. Totally out cold. I feel like I am comfort. I am safety. I drove him to work this morning. It is not masculine. I am not masculine. I feel so completely free! Nothing I do is masculine because I am a soft, yielding, melting, feminine being. woosh. That feels calm and wonderful like gentle warm waves lapping my shores.

  309.  #309Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:08 am


    298 – I thought of that before I wrote it…the ONLY reason I DID include that is because it was right on the heels of talking about a man giving to me and nurturing me.

    I like to reframe the term “dirty talk”…like maybe “the language of love”…or “soulful sex” or “lovemaking”

    One reason I am learning how to be feminine at age 48 is because my Mom constantly referred to such things as “dirty talk”, “privates”, and just all around made me feel shame around anything sexual.

    I feel so free and alive and womanly to talk with R about sex openly as something beautiful and natural.

  310.  #310Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Miss Stix,

    302 – That is beautiful! Thank you! I receive that!

  311.  #311MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 8:14 am


    😀 now ur talkin’!!

    I want to do a little dance

    too sexy for my body

    too sexy for my body

    gosh i’m such a hotty!

  312.  #312Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 8:28 am

    RadLove I feel comfortable with “dirty talk” I guess because that is how a lot of men refer to it and I kinda remain open to it when they go there.

    I pretty much like how you wrote it just that I would have tweaked out the giving to suggest sharing in. It struck me that you suggested taking care of yourself by “getting pedicures etc”. straight to giving the man things to feel good. For me what was missing was clarity about what you need to “receive” from the man to feel nurtured and protected. You are talking about expressing femininity so I was looking for something that expresses receiving. Don’t know if this makes sense.

    The convo generally felt open and good.

  313.  #313MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 8:30 am

    I want to do a “wreck the dress” photoshoot in my wedding dress.

    I probably won’t do it because I don’t desire more photos in that dress. The thought is super fun though! 😀 I’d probably be swimming in that size 18 bad boy. I remember it being SO SO SO heavy and the corset bodice crushed my ribs. I only ate a few bites of my yummy meal that day.

    If I get married again I will do it in hawaii surrounded by luscious paradise accompanied by the sound of a gushing waterfall. Coral dress with a greek style bodice. Empire waiste and pleated silk floor length skirt. I tried this dress on when I did my new clothes shopping after losing weight. I was in awe of me…It was $300. I will re-create that exact dress. Flower in my hair. Shimmery fresh like morning dew. No crushed ribs to cinch 5 inches off my waiste.

    Tears burn hot behind my eyes because I can see my future wedding, and for the first time ever it doesn’t terrify me.

  314.  #314Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:41 am


    310 – You make a good point. Maybe I lack clarity there, and maybe it is a sore subject for me. Because when we touch, often R doesn’t reciprocate. I need to learn to melt rather than rub his back when we hug…stuff like that.

    Can you give me some ideas how I would express receiving nurturing and giving from a man? I think maybe I was tiptoeing around that one because it really is something I want to express to him and don’t know how.

    One subtle, gentle way I DO know how is when I say I want to do it, I become a role model to him of how he can do it. I didn’t include the next part of our conversation, because it became pretty personal. Because he was asking me how I like to be licked. 😉 So I think he’s on the right track!

  315.  #315Tam on August 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

    280 Yes please radlove, I’d love to join your group!! I just wouldn’t like my friends to be able to follow that, is it possible to keep it kinda secret?

  316.  #316Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Miss Stix,

    311 – Whoa! That’s beautiful!~ I have thought of having a wedding in Hawaii too, but the logistics are so staggering that I just conclude I will have my honey moon there. I think the biggest inhibitor is that few loved ones would be able to come because of the cost. But also planning it long distance would be tricky.

    It’s my number one destination for my honey moon tho. And you know what I’d like to do? Pay one professional photographer to join us. Then just employe him for a few hours a day to take photos, so I don’t waste my precious time focusing on photos…and so the photos can have mostly US in them. Then give him or her the rest of the day off to just enjoy a paradise vacation, while I am alone with my honey!

  317.  #317Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 8:56 am


    314 – Terrific! Just send me an email at It is set on private, and I have tested it out and find it to be secure from the rest of my facebook. I say some pretty steamy things and I now rest assured that none of my other FB people see it. And it’s not my group…it’s our group.

  318.  #318Tam on August 21, 2012 at 9:00 am

    I just realised that the overwhelming feeling after all that contact with MrP again, and him asking me to help him with his stuff twice – is being scared.
    I am actually scared, or let’s say it feels like all too much work.
    Is that better than being hung up?
    I am definitely not like the puppy dog with the wagging tail. I feel: pffffff…here we go again! What does he want now.
    In fact, I’d feel better if he hadn’t tried to ‘pin me down’ to when I was coming back, it’s as if he is doing what Rori once called ‘peeing and marking his territory’. Maybe I don’t want to be peed on, maybe I want to be free and enjoy meeting others without him in the picture.
    I have no idea whether that is my emotional unavailability speaking. Kind of wanting to shut him out for fear of him getting close again.
    I feel a bit lazy, like rather than bothering with his shenanigans and feeling messages and so on, I’d like to lie on the beach and tend to myself when I get there….hm. I feel a massive resistance to telling him the actual date when I get there…I still haven’t. It’s like I want a ‘break’ first, like I am having a break from CD dating right now.
    Oh dear.
    Is that now going forward or backwards?
    I feel confused but in some ways happy that I haven’t returned to the puppy dog!

    Oooooh, there is a little voice inside me saying ‘that man is too much work, and yes, he might be worth it, but actually, I need a vacation, not more work’. i just had a 5 months vacation from him….maybe I need a vacation for life? Oooh, interesting I should say that.

    Now I feel bemused, and a little amused.
    Am I too lazy to deal with MrP now? Hm.
    He has a little operation tomorrow and I thought about leaning forward and wishing him good luck…and yet I feel like I can’t be bothered. I’d rather be posting on here.
    I will wish him good luck and then return to my lazy ways of leaning back and tending to myself. Lazy feels good.

    I feel good!! 🙂

  319.  #319MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Feelings of terror slither up the back of my throat like snakes. I kept thinking about the wedding thing for too long. I shouldn’t push myself. I still can’t keep the dark thoughts out of my head. Marriage felt bad. Dark. oozing sorrow and crushing pain. My wedding was what my mom and james wanted. 150 ppl. ick. Express your feelings to all of them. yuck. Gripping anxiety. James’ phenomonal speech and my shaky “thank you.”. blargh. Fun. I wanted to have fun. I didn’t give a dam about floral arrangements and chair covers and decorations. I cared about music and wanted to party. So much ado about nothing. $16 000 for nothing.

    Oh sigh. I’ve just brought myself way down. Bad negative thoughts! How dare you intrude upon my bliss? Feel them. Grrr I don’t want to. I want to feel free and excited again!

  320.  #320Tam on August 21, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Thaaaaank you Radlove!! And BTW, I am enthralled by those sexy messages you are sharing with R..I’d never have the guts to say any of that.
    I am a little envious of your openness…it’s quite something!! 🙂

  321.  #321Tam on August 21, 2012 at 9:04 am

    oops…Radlove, the email isn’t working….am I supposed to fill in something?

  322.  #322MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:06 am


    Thank you! Now if only I could keep that positivity in my greedy little hands! 😉

    One of my dreams is to photograph weddings. Is that ironic? lol I dunno…I also wanna photo babies and beautiful round mamas bursting with life!

  323.  #323Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

    To create a vision board you can use those free publications at the grocery store with real estate listings etc…also catalogs that come in the mail or newspapers… I clip any picture that catches my eye

  324.  #324Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Miss Stix,

    321 – That would be a lovely job! I would enjoy that, too. I just never pursued it because I don’t imagine it would be that profitable or stable.

  325.  #325CurvySiren10 on August 21, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Tam, so sorry I haven’t had a chance to think or write more to you. Been very busy running with work and personal life. Hopefully able to get on here more later today. I’m really looking forward to seeing you on the fb group!!!

  326.  #326Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 9:17 am

    RadLove I would say “It would feel so good to share neck massages. They make me feel so soft and open to receiving a man ‘s __________”. Or something to suggest a man can have his way with with me or get anything from me after a back massage or neck rub.

  327.  #327Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Pictures from the Internet can also be used for the vision board.

  328.  #328MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:23 am


    I believe I can create a profitable business in wedding/maternity/children photography! One of my strong traits is seeing beauty in everything! I am also lucky to live in a city where it is hugely in demand! Wedding photographers range anywhere from $2500 right on up to $10 000 here. Depending on packages.

    Have you thought about photography as a hobby? It is such a relaxing and lovely pursuit! Very emotionally rewarding! I do it currently solely as a hobby as I learn.

  329.  #329Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:23 am


    320 – Wow, thank you! It took a while to develop, that’s for sure! But when I came across Rori’s programs three years ago, it was confirmation to me that I was on the right track, unzipping my heart.

    Then I saw Daria on the blog, starting two years ago, and I felt astounded at her openness. I still giggle every time I see a red kayak on top of a car, thinking of when she likened it to a red vulva, LOL! I felt red hot embarrassed for a week just reading that, LOL!

    But I have found that it really does light a path into my heart with R, so I keep it up! In 2009, at times he seemed shy and would avert his eyes or hide his face or change the subject or get up and walk to another part of the house. Anymore, he just eats it up, and I cherish the intimacy I share with him.

    I admit I feel pretty vulnerable putting it on the blog, considering this is a public space. But I have found a lot of healing thru here, so I just pray for my safety.

  330.  #330bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 9:29 am

    miss stix 322 i just saw an office for a baby-mama photographer & it looked so fun i even took a postcard she had in front of her offices & kept it for a while : ) but it gave me the thought that it might be a neat idea to begin a venture like that by photographing any local celebrity that you might know. i don’t know why i thought that. but i remember it occurring to me as i was looking in through the glass in that woman’s studio. i feel drawn to that office complex & i enjoy going there & walking around & exploring : ) it helps me imagine what i want in a work environment

  331.  #331MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Tam 318

    I like this one!

    I see forward movement in tending to yourself. I see freedom in laying on the beach and not being bothered with helping. I see self worth in not wanting to be pinned down.

    You come across strong. But I still understand the confusion. It resonates with me.

  332.  #332bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 9:32 am

    i take horrible pictures & i respect people who have the skill & curiosity about the mechanics of it all to take pleasure in that medium. my ex boyfriend used to build things to change his camera’s effects. magical. so much fun & he was so boy-ish. i want to always feel joyful in “failure” as an adventure. i grant myself that large permission –

  333.  #333Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:39 am


    325 – Thank you! I like that!~

  334.  #334MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Ahhh bloom-ing thank you! You have inspired visions of my studio…Open, light and fresh. Flowers and art. Music playing always. A place to feel beautiful and mesmerizing. A place to bring people out of their shell and say “Wow! Look how breathtaking you are!” or “Look how adorable and lovable your little baby is!”.

    I want to do boudoir photography too! I want every woman to know she is sexy! Flowing satin and full cleavage. Lay on your back and put one hand on your belly and one through your hair. To say “come get some!” Voluptuous beauty! Little lacy panties and hands over cute little breasts as if to say “nuh uh! not quite ;)” Slim and slender beauty!

    Oh work could be so much fun!

  335.  #335Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Miss Stix,

    327 – That feels exciting! I want to do that as a hobby. The thing is, I just have my cell phone camera to work with. It is 5.0 mega pixels, but I am sure it would not appear very professional. Maybe I could do it for free to start, and build a portfolio.

    I saw some maternity photos of a friend and I have rarely seen anything so beautiful!

  336.  #336Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:47 am


    318 – If you need a vacation from a man and/or CDing, then it is going forward, because you are in tune with your feelings and your needs, and you are honoring them.

    When I read that, it really struck a chord with me in regards to K. Many times we have been out of communication for one reason or another, and a part of me breathes a sigh of relief. He feels high maintenance and I often feel pressured with him.

    Also, being that he is in prison, I used to visit him once a week, 3 hours each way. Then something happened that I couldn’t visit him for 3 years. It felt like a totally welcome relief after 6-7 years of making that weekly trip. Now I can visit him, but I can’t afford to. So I’ve seen him twice in 4 years. I would never tell him this, because he would feel hurt. But I feel relieved I can’t afford to go more often.

  337.  #337Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:48 am

    MIss Stix,

    334 – Gigglinngggg! That feels so fun and exciting! Me too, me too! I want to share some photos with you. I will put them on Siren Island, ok?

  338.  #338MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:51 am


    I can’t afford a very good camera yet myself. I do get to borrow my dad’s nikon D 80 as I learn. I started with online tutorials on It was overwhelming! But I picked away at it until I understood it all.

    The plan is to spend a year learning followed by a year of free work to build a portfolio. Then I will freelance until I can afford a studio. All in all I have given myself 4-5 years.

  339.  #339Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 9:51 am

    327 yea fw good idea!!

  340.  #340MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Woops. Flush face.

    I removed myself from siren island during the “blog stress”. I convinced myself I was never coming back here. Silly girl. I felt rather embarrassed.

    I will go send the friend requests if you’ll add me back! I’d love to see those pics!

  341.  #341Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:04 am

    I first heard this song by Don Williams when I was a teenager, and it remains one of the most romantic songs I know. I am not much into country music, but this one is a real winner!

    You placed gold on my finger
    You brought love like I’ve never known
    You gave life to our children
    And to me, a reason to go on.

    You’re my bread when I’m hungry
    You’re my shelter from troubled winds
    You’re my anchor in life’s ocean
    But most of all, you’re my best friend

    When I need hope and inspiration
    You’re always strong when I’m tired and weak
    I could search this whole world over
    You’d still be everything that I need.

    Repeat Chorus twice

  342.  #342Starla on August 21, 2012 at 10:05 am


  343.  #343Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:05 am

    MIss Stix,

    340 – No problem, it happens to the best of us! Ok!

  344.  #344LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 10:05 am


    Hmmm interesting Emerson,

    When I started smoking as a teen, I felt free.
    I felt stifled, caged-in and watched under a microscope.
    I was ignored when I was younger, then as a teen they became insecure and suffocated me.
    I felt like a controlled robot.

    As a teen, I was allowed to go out with my friends.
    I took advantage of the freedom.
    The cig was a way to belong, but what I felt was freedom to do as I please.
    I was claiming my freedom by smoking.

    Now it has become the other way around.
    I feel trapped in aloneness.
    I use it as an armour to keep men at arms length.
    I purposely choose a non smoking man.
    Non smoking men can’t stand smoke and the smell of it.
    Then I crave closeness and affection.
    I feel sad and lonely disconnected in my cage.

    I punish myself with this addiction.
    I aleniate myself from my man with this addiction.

    I love my addiction for helping me to see the stength of my fear of intimacy.

    I likely being redundant here.
    I feel grounded writing about my self created barrier.
    I’m getting to know it really well.

  345.  #345Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Miss Stix,

    FB gave me a message that I can’t add a previous member without her request. Not sure how you request it, but will you try prease?

  346.  #346Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Miss Stix,

    338 – I feel excited to hear about your long term plan! What a great idea! Me too, me too!

  347.  #347MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 10:11 am

    shhhhh don’t tell my dad! I am bringing his camera to Squamish with me 😉

    I will keep it safe. I won’t bring it to the festival. I will lock it in the hidden place in my car when I am at the festival.

    eek! I feel guilty lol maybe I won’t.

  348.  #348MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 10:12 am

    hmmm i will give it a try! see if I can figure it out!

  349.  #349Tereana on August 21, 2012 at 10:15 am

    “Be amazing and forget about him” – I needed that note form the Universe!

    (And it’s true…it does work)

  350.  #350Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Lilibee Thank you for sharing about yourself

  351.  #351Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:16 am


    344 – Wow, that was really insightful. As I read that, I substituted food and overeating for cigarettes and smoking, and it was an aha moment!

  352.  #352MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 10:16 am

    seems i can’t since it is entirely secret. I will create a new fb profile 😉

  353.  #353Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:31 am


    344 – Overeating as Armor
    When I started overeating as a teen, I felt free.
    I felt stifled, caged-in and watched under a microscope.
    I was ignored when I was younger, then as a teen they became insecure and suffocated me.
    I felt like a controlled robot.
    As a teen, I was allowed to go out with my friends.
    I took advantage of the freedom.
    The social eating was a way to belong, but what I felt was freedom to do as I please.
    I was claiming my freedom by overeating.
    Now it has become the other way around.
    I feel trapped in aloneness.
    I use it as an armor to keep men at arm’s length.
    I purposely choose a non overeating man.
    Non overeating men can’t stand overeating and the sight of it.
    Then I crave closeness and affection.
    I feel sad and lonely disconnected in my cage.
    I punish myself with this addiction.
    I aleniate myself from my man with this addiction.
    I love my addiction for helping me to see the strength of my fear of intimacy.
    I likely being redundant here.
    I feel grounded writing about my self created barrier.
    I’m getting to know it really well.

  354.  #354Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:32 am

    MIss Stix,

    Bummer, sorry it is such a hassle. I think you will need to create a new email address as well, in order to create a new FB page.

  355.  #355Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I’ve been mowing the lawn in between posting on the blog, as a means of taking breaks. I was huffing and puffing too much to do it all at once. I have one more increment of mowing to do, and then I’ll be back.

    I feel happy with myself for taking care of myself both by mowing my lawn and by taking breaks when my lungs and heart told me I needed to. Baby steps and giant leaps!

  356.  #356Tam on August 21, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Wow, Ladies, I feel so heard!!
    Thank you Curvysiren..take your time but I feel excited at a post from you 🙂
    Thank you Miss Stix and Radlove!!!!

    I feel that the real issue here is that I am a little bored with MrP…he has really liked the fact that I have been working on my issues. I have told him bits and bobs….and I know he likes my new vibe, I can literally feel him zooming in on it.

    I am not meaning to ‘inspire him’, but lo and behold…it inspired him. But not in the effect you think….instead of getting inspired to work on his own issues, which he has admitted to me (the anger and unavailability, and passive aggressiveness, his awful childhood), he has gone ahead and is fixing the outside…typical pattern in his family and with him also.
    He is telling me what he is doing to lose weight and the surgeries he has are minor cosmetic things..some I understand some I don’t (but I am European). I just feel ‘meh’ about this because he is incredibly attractive…and it reminds me of some girl having breast implants because she is convinced it will make her life easier and give her self esteem….
    and it is completely incongrous with this outdoors rough man to try to look perfect, so ok he was a model and is afraid of just jars with who he really seems to be deep down, the real him and the person I want to see more of – but what I get is mostly the superficial him and I am getting too lazy to dig for the gold (it’s there).
    I feel sad that he can’t see how beautiful he is already. It’s like saying to a teenager, who has a wrong body image of herself: ‘you are not seeing what the rest of the world is seeing, dear, you are beautiful inside and out’. I was like that too, and I just feel sad when I see that in another person.

    I just feel we are moving further and further apart with my healing. I feel turned off by him saying a while ago ‘well, I need to look good because I want a woman that looks good too, and if I let myself go no beautiful woman will want me’…it triggered me, since he is so incredibly intelligent. Urgh. He said ‘the reason why relationships fail is because the woman or the man lets themselves go’. Turn off extraordinaire for me….I mean, really.

    I wish I could say to him ‘nooooo, it’s the wrong direction…’ but it’s not my place. It is his body, his life. It’s good that he wants to look good, but it’s sad he doesn’t work on his insides also – maybe he is but I do not get the impression. I feel regression, and I feel that he is trying to cling to me because he realises that I am onto something, but he doesn’t understand what it is.

    If he was, he would say ‘I want to see you’ and not ‘can you help me with something’.
    He has not learnt to be authentic and it is boring me and feels exasperating. I still love him, but I want a man who is authentic, and I feel that he is just not there yet, perhaps he will never be. It takes a lot of energy to love a man like that, and this is where I do start to draw the line..because if I use that energy for myself, it is just much better spent.

    I understand where it is all coming from because deep down I am/was exactly the same but I have recognised it and am trying to change it….and while I am trying to change my patterns and my unavailability, I actually feel he is holding me back. Yeah, I feel that he could drag me back down with him when he could ne lifted up by me.
    I am not going back into my hole of unavailability, whatever it costs. If it costs him then maybe that will be the price to pay. I will pay it gladly..perhaps I already have?

  357.  #357Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Happy Tuesday, Sirens!

    I am in a much better frame of mind today – thanks again for all of the support yesterday during my melt down. It felt good to just get it all out and be done with it.

    Today is a new day and there is such a nice hint of Fall in the air – it makes me want to play . . . I just need to play with the people in my path and stop running after GM. He’d be lucky to have me for a playmate 😉

    I went to dinner with my 3 sons last night and they always make me feel better. We are all sort of in shock over my youngest joining the Marine Corp, but I know he will be fine – I just can’t fathom the idea of not being able to speak to him for 3 months . . . I have seperation anxiety already! At keast he can write to me – whew – this is going to be hard!

    I have a fun weekend to look forward to with the cabin and boat I’m renting and lots of friends going to come celebrate my son. Planning for that will make it easier for me to not focus on GM as much and certainly not contact him. He knows he owes me an answer if he is coming or not – I’m going to assume he is not coming, but I’m not going to ask for confirmation or hint that I’m waiting for an answer or anything – the man knows how to reach me.

    I can’t wait for my supply of Shakeology to arrive. I hope it tastes good – It is supposed to be very healthy and if used as a meal replacement, should help me shed the 15 pounds that I want to lose. I’m hoping it will help me focus on going to the gym more too. I’m in ok shape, but I know I could look and feel better. I have a sexier vibe when I feel thin – I’m ready to do this for ME!

  358.  #358Tam on August 21, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Radlove, I still don’t seem to have the right email address..sorry :/

  359.  #359FlowerChild77 on August 21, 2012 at 10:45 am


    I remember that Don William’s song from way, way back. It’s playing in my head, right now. All of his songs were a big part of my first relationship/marriage. (He was very devoted and the words of the songs rang very true.) I was 14 when we met (he was 21 and wanted to marry me, immediately.)

    Five years later we did marry and had two beautiful sons. He died, unexpectedly, when he was 41.

    I am afraid to love again….people I love always die.

  360.  #360LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 10:45 am



    I feel touched to the heart to be inspiring. I feel my heart glowing and radiating love 🙂

    I remember hearing on a talk show once about weight gain. The host said to the person wanting to lose weight:
    ” You weight is like layers of armour hiding the real you, your soul, your heart. We can’t see You under those layers. We can’t see your facial expressions as well hidden under the layers of your chin and cheeks.
    What are you hiding and protecting? What is it that you are afraid of? ”

    I’m hiding my heart behind a ‘smoke’ screen.
    Afraid to have the ‘real’ me rejected.
    Afraid of intimacy.
    I couldn’t handle failing an ‘intimate’ relationship.
    What if the real me is still not good enough?

    The smoke is a cold wall conveying “who needs your affection, I don’t need it. Stay away. I don’t want to be attractive.”
    I feel righteously defiant.
    I dare you to try and get through my wall of smoke.

    I feel ridiculous at this moment, self defeating.
    Shooting myself in the foot.

    Slathering myself with love.

    My gf cancelled our plans for tonight to be with her mom who got admitted to the hospital.
    I reached out to another friend who’s busy.
    She set a date for later.
    I will sink into my sadness and loneliness to tap into my love for myself and plan my quit smoking strategy.
    Using this alone time to its fullest potential.

    I feel warm and cozy slathered in this selfloving fest.

  361.  #361Tam on August 21, 2012 at 10:45 am

    I like your vibe today.

    Can you turn around the sadness about your son leaving to being proud and happy that he is determined to go his own way? Sounds like a great man in the making there?! A bit of that maybe mixed with a little sadness?
    It’s a good practice of letting go also and trusting all will be fine, even if it hurts?!

  362.  #362FlowerChild77 on August 21, 2012 at 10:48 am

    By “he” I meant my husband…not Don Williams 😉

  363.  #363Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:50 am


    356 – As Miss Stix pointed out to me so eloquently earlier, the more I work on my inner self, the more my outer self comes into alignment.

    For example, I didn’t just mow my lawn. I just got a workout. That takes emotional energy for me. It is difficult moving a body this size around pushing a mower on uneven terrain. But I felt motivated to do it because my heart is feeling aligned with my lil girl and I feel happy because R and I are getting along well.

    So it really isn’t about the body image. It’s about the heart being nurtured.

  364.  #364ALA on August 21, 2012 at 10:51 am


    I would like to join the FB sirens group too! I’m sending you an email…

  365.  #365Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Hi Tam – Yes – I am very proud of him and making the whole thing a celebration. I just contacted our church pastor and made an appointment for us to sit down with him and my son next week. Last week I took him out of town to meet a Lt Col with the USMC for lunch to get guidance – I am doing everything I can to send him off with a positive vibe and not let my own fear and sense of “loss” touch him in any way. He knows I am so incredibly proud of him.

    I know he worries about leaving me – he is afraid I will turn into the cat lady or something – lol (I do sort of have too many cats right now and dogs too, but I hope I’m not on the verge of becoming THAT lady . . .)

    He is the one who suggested the Shakeology and that is why I went ahead and ordered it – I want him to see that I plan to take good care of myself, eat right, go to the gym, etc. while he is gone. Not to mention, I still have his 2 older brothers living with me – It’s not like I will be all alone.

    I’ve gotta run – duty calls…..

  366.  #366LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 10:53 am


    Wow Radlove!

    I feel amazed at how open you are at seeing things for yourself getting to know yourself.

    Love that armour for providing the clues to our self barriers.

  367.  #367Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:54 am

  368.  #368Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 10:58 am


    359 – I feel sad you have lost two men. 🙁 I went to a Don Williams concert outdoors with my parents sometime around high school. The words really got deep in my heart, and we came home with an album that I almost memorized.

    I especially liked “Tulsa Time”, too, because I went to college in Tulsa! Then years later, I lived in Arizona for 2.5 years, so it was like “my” song!

    I left Oklahoma drivin’ in a Pontiac
    Just about to lose my mind
    I was goin’ on to Arizona, maybe on to California
    Where all the people live so fine
    My baby said I was crazy, my momma called me lazy
    I was goin’ to show ’em all this time
    ‘Cause you know I ain’t no fool an’ I don’t need no more schoolin’
    I was born to just walk the line

    Livin’ on Tulsa time
    Livin’ on Tulsa time
    Well you know I’ve been through it
    When I set my watch back to it
    Livin’ on Tulsa time

    Well there I was in Hollywood wishin’ I was doin’ good
    Talkin’ on the telephone line
    But they don’t need me in the movies and nobody sings my songs
    Guess I’m just wastin’ time
    Well then I got to thinkin’, man I’m really sinkin’
    And I really had a flash this time
    I had no business leavin’ and nobody would be grievin’
    If I went on back to Tulsa time

    Livin’ on Tulsa time
    Livin’ on Tulsa time
    Gonna set my watch back to it
    Cause you know I’ve been through it
    Livin’ on Tulsa time

  369.  #369Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:00 am


    366 – Thanks! I do my best to be like a patient going to a doctor. Miss, you have such-and-such disease.

    Ok, doc, cut it out! I just want it gone!

  370.  #370Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:02 am


    364 – Ok, cool!

    I finished mowing! Yay! No on to other tasks. It was getting really high, because we had two heavy rains in the last week.

  371.  #371Tam on August 21, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Thank you Radlove, hm… that was the email I got an undeliverable back from. Will try again.

    Regarding body image, you believe he is getting his mind together and that makes him want to fix his looks? Hm. I never saw it that way. Not sure that is really the case with him, who knows. We’ll see.

    You sound so positive and happy though, I love your vibe!

  372.  #372bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

    flowerchild, i feel moved reading your account of your first marriage.

  373.  #373MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 11:15 am


    amazing! I am in awe of you right now 🙂

    Also luckily I have many emails and one just happened to have a fb I used for games way back.

    it is rach ess

    I will get a pic up on it soon 🙂

    errand time! lots to do before the big weekend!

  374.  #374bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 11:16 am

    lillibee, there are a lot of reasons that i decide to smoke or not to smoke, but one thing that never gets in the way of a decision to abstain is the idea that a cigarette or the nicotine is irresistable : ) i’m not sure if that makes total sense, but i really encourage you to check out “the easy way to stop smoking” by alan carr. i found that the simplest method to change a behavior & feel good about it (not deprived) : ))) he even does a book specifically for women smokers, though i just read the original one. even just reading the reviews on amazon feels inspiring to me : )))

  375.  #375Tam on August 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

    …and the other thing that also turned me off about his messages….well, in one I was saying that I am living a low stress life now and find all the pressure I had put myself under has made me feel less able to cope, and now I feel much happier.

    he answered in one of his emails that he is selling his business…and that stress is a bad thing. and that he is a ‘stressless kinda guy’….and that used to be the standard answer many months ago when we were having ‘the talk’. So that really turned me off. Because he said relationships are complicated and he does not want complications in his life…and this was just another way of telling me ‘hey, I am a stressless kinda guy, I need no stress and no stress from work, women etc – don’t you forget about that Tam’.
    Maybe not, but it turned me off because I heard the ‘I am a stressless kinda guy’ a few times before. I just feel yuck when I hear it now, especially since I have stressed myself to deal with my issues and I felt it has really made a difference in my life.
    Better than avoiding all stress and meaning and pretending all is fine.
    Those are my issues and my perceptions, but another reason why I felt: ‘blah’

  376.  #376Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:17 am


    371 – No, I’m not saying HE is getting it together internally. Sounds like he is caught up with external image. But in an earlier post today Miss Stix said some really powerful words to me about not being focused on losing weight as a path to beauty or a better vibe, that I can be beautiful who I am right now.

  377.  #377Tam on August 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Flowerchild, I feel sad reading that people you love die. I mean, we all die at some point but it seems unfair that you had more of your share of this happening to you, men dying around you.

    I feel scared of this happening to me too and I feel compassion….wishing you strength!!

    Hugs to you!

  378.  #378Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

    MIss Stix,

    373 – Thank you! You are sweet!

  379.  #379Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

    I wonder if it is possible to live without diet coke and peanut M&Ms? LOL

  380.  #380bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Kimya Dawson, “Year 10”

    It is year 10 and I’m a baby again
    I need my friends like I did back then
    To help me stand, side by side, hand in hand
    One day at a time, hand in hand, side by side

    ‘Cause if it’s not one thing, don’t you know it’s another?
    You can be sober and not recover
    And the soul that’s hurting just keeps on searching
    For ways to fill the emptiness but the pit is bottomless

    You can’t fill it with hugs
    You can’t fill it with drxgs
    You can’t fill it with booze
    You can’t fill it with food

    You can’t fill it with isolation
    You can’t fill it with self-mutilation
    You can’t fill it by always running away
    You can’t fill it by finally deciding to stay

    if you’re like me, an addictive personality
    then you got to admit that you’re powerless
    over everything you’re compulsive with

    Even if you feel like you reveal not a lot
    But there’s still things you conceal
    Stop living for pretend, live for ‘for real’
    Just let it go so you can heal

  381.  #381Tam on August 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

    379, Radlove, no I believe that is not possible, but I do believe it is possible to eat them in moderation 😉

  382.  #382bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

    radlove, i would encourage you to consider replacing your diet cokes with “real” cokes (the glass bottle kind with cane sugar) & limit yourself to 1/week or something that feels reasonable & treat-worthy & pleasing : ) what do you think ?

    the real sugar is so much easier for the human body to process than the chemical sweeteners.

    & no, i don’t think i want to try life without coca cola & chocolate : ))

  383.  #383bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

    lillibee, i’m going to have a cigarette in a little bit, but then i’m “quitting” – i’m not sure what that looks like to me, as somehow still i find a beauty & a connection in the ritual, but i feel sad to smoke the factory poisons & i feel unstable to have a habit that disgusts me. i’ll share my thoughts as i go along & i’d feel pleased to hear more about your process(es) as well : ))

  384.  #384FlowerChild77 on August 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Thank you Radlove, Tam and bloom-ing…

    I appreciate that you care about me and I can feel it <3

  385.  #385Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Radlove – I can’t speak to the M7M’s, but I can tell you that, NO, it is NOT possible to live without Diet Coke . . . Lol

    I just had an interview – I am looking to hire a new manager and I took this guy out on the floor and walked him through our facility and when we got back to my office he complimented me on how many people I spoke to by name and how many people smiled when they saw me, etc. Awww…. that made me few good!

  386.  #386bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 11:31 am

    things feel so good & shaky-shifty – i’m delighted to surf these choppy waves in such good company & with such blessed weather. thank you

  387.  #387Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

    I love peanut M&M but I gave them up for my health. I love myself too much to continue digging my own grave with M&Ms.

  388.  #388Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:46 am


    381 – LOL! 😉

  389.  #389Turquoise on August 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Daria, you have that text your ex back program right? How do you like it? I don’t want my ex back, but texting is such a big part of dating now… I’m wondering how much value it has anyways. Anyone else have it? What do you think? Thanks!

  390.  #390Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:51 am


    382 – I don’t drink much diet coke. But coke with sugar is my #1 addiction, and I need to stay away from that like an alcoholic needs to stay away from beer.

    “One is too much, and a thousand is not enough.”

  391.  #391Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 11:57 am


    385 – Wow, impressive! Hire me! 🙂

  392.  #392MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Just finishing up a quick bite of shepherds pie before I run out to walmart.

    Want to say:

    bloom-ing -380 I love that! Is that a song? I’ll have to look it up.


    I still have yet to find a way to give up DC lol sucking one back right now :p But I have given it up for lengthy periods substituting soda water with a splash of pineapple/lime/mango etc.

  393.  #393Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 11:58 am

    One way to get an overdose of candida in the system is by taking antibiotics and birth control pills, and consuming sugar products. Candida feeds on antibiotics (it is their food source).

    •Sugar and white flour–destroys B vitamins.
    Many times clients come to me because their doctors are unable to determine the cause of their illness. As I gaze into there bodies I see a white foamy substance, which is candida. It grows everywhere in the heart, brain, kidneys, and lungs and most often in the intestines. Listed below are some symptoms from an over growth of Candida in the physical body. Please don¹t assume you have candida, seek out a professional for diagnosis.

    The best way to get a handle on Candida is to change your diet. Stop eating sugar of all kinds, white flour (breads and pastries), no diet drinks, no alcoholic beverages, all mushrooms, and other pickled products, fermented foods, all dry roasted nuts (cashews have a lot of yeast), potato chips, pretzels and junk food, bacon, salt pork and lunch meats and cheese of all kinds. Stop eating food that feeds the yeast. If you can eliminate antibiotics, birth control pills and all drugs please do so.

  394.  #394Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Radlove – Ha! I’d love to, but I’m bett8ing we are no where near each other . . . I’m in a small town in the deep south.

  395.  #395Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm


    387 – Good for you! I am not that strong yet!

    I just don’t understand why I can’t live a healthy lifestyle eating nothing but peanut M&Ms, cheesecake with strawberries and whipped cream, pizza with pepperoni, goat cheese, garlic, green peppers, onions, and black olives? 🙂

  396.  #396Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm


    393 – Thank you for the information. A lil scary! I feel curious…what is your profession?

  397.  #397Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Yeast and its byproducts. It is one of things that slowly poisons the body. My amputated fingers was enough of a challenge to create the strength in me. I committed to not slowly the healing process.

  398.  #398Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Nothing to do with profession. One of my beliefs is knowledge is power.

  399.  #399Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:20 pm


    393 – I never felt better than when I was eating almost nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables (about 80% of my intake), with stuff like salad dressing, nuts, meat, and potatoes and rice in small amounts (about 20%).

  400.  #400Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:23 pm


    398 – Oh. You said women come to you and you look into their bodies. So I thought you must be a nurse practitioner or naturopathic physician.

  401.  #401Tam on August 21, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Oooh, I love Siren Island 🙂

  402.  #402Dominique on August 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Yes Femininewoman, but not all potentially yeast producing products are unhealthy for all. Many, many people have no problem with yeast overgrowth.

    I do agree heartily that sugars and white flour products are unhealthy for all, and there are SO many lovely foods which are healthy and appetizing/tasty, why would you want to eat anything else but.

    And anything with chemicals is just horrible for health, and this includes adulterated products, think low and non fat. Eat the full fat versions. They actually help you lose weight if this is your goal.

    Yet I do understand some people just love some of their “junk” foods. And in small quantities, why not.

    Nuts are healthy foods for most, and mushrooms are essential for those with inflammatory issues.

    Pickled products as well as fermented foods are essential for those with digestive issues.

    Red wine is good for most everyone in moderation, as it contains high amounts of resveratrol which prevents and reverses cellular deterioration.

    So know get to know thy own body, its uniqueness and what makes it feel good an function optimally.


  403.  #403bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    miss stix, it’s such a good album. Thunder Thighs by Kimya Dawson. she used to be in the moldy peaches:

    You’re a part-time lover and a full-time friend,
    The monkey on your back is the latest trend.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of the train,
    Kiss you all starry-eyed, my body swingin’ from side to side.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    Here is the church and here is the steeple,
    We sure are cute for two ugly people.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    Pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me,
    So, why can’t you forgive me?
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    I will find my nitch in your car,
    With my MP3, DVD, rumple-packed guitar.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

    Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
    Just because we use cheats doesn’t mean we’re not smart.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    You are always tryin’ to keep it real,
    I’m in love with how you feel.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    We both have shiny, happy fits of rage,
    You want more fans, I want more stage.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    Don Quizote was a steel-driving man,
    My name is Adam, I’m your biggest fan!
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    Scrinched up your face and did a dance,
    Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants.
    I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo but you.

  404.  #404Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Dominique and FW,

    My nutrition bible is Fit for Life, by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. Like they said, don’t take our word for it…try it! I never felt better than eating mostly raw fruits and vegetables!

    Once again, it is a challenge to do so when eating food bank food. But I am doing my best and am finding lots of great ingredients for vegetable soups!

  405.  #405Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Radlove – I just sent you a FB email requesting to join.

  406.  #406Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    My cat is a hunter! Once she brought a dead squirrel into the yard. Just now she hopped on my air conditioner next to where I’m sitting, holding an entire dead bird in her mouth. And she thinks I’m letting her in with THAT??!!

    What can I say? She’s a carnivore. I’m a frugivore and vegetarian….or at least a wannabe!

  407.  #407Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:36 pm


    Kimya Dawson sounds very creative and unique…like you! Thanks for sharing!

  408.  #408Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Dominique I just knew you would chime in on this topic. Mushrooms for inflammation?

  409.  #409Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm


    You are pretty! I just friended you on FB. For some reason, your email won’t open. Just friend me, and then I’ll be able to add you.

  410.  #410Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Time to go swimming with my new friend at the bay! I met her last night there and she invited me onto her yacht! It was beautiful inside!

  411.  #411Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Wow, Radlove – thank you 🙂 I accepted your friend request – I can’t wait to join!

  412.  #412Dominique on August 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Yep Feimininewoman – According to Andrew Weil, someone I respect, mushrooms, especially japanese ones are esential to an anti-inflammatory diet.


  413.  #413Daria on August 21, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Turqoise – i generated some interest texting a man during the span of a day (all feeling kinda leaning forward)

    and by the end of the day i felt like… i dono i reached my limit of how much effort i wanted to put in lol

    he asked me “what happens next?” after a particularly juicy text from me… and i was busy out with girls

    i tried to pick it up again the next morning and it didn’t have the same results anymore…

    it felt awkward

    it has some cool ideas on appreciation ,

    i feel too drained leaning forward to continue initiating texting tho

    and for me, i don’t even like texting conversations in general, all my dating only counts in the in-person-time

  414.  #414Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Thanks D. I will read up on the mushrooms.

  415.  #415Tam on August 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Oh, I am all sirened out today, facebook, here, blimey, had hardly time to do anything else, hehe….feels great to get to know some of you better though I am still not sure who is who…

  416.  #416Jilly on August 21, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Sirens!! 🙂

    Just catching up on the blog 🙂

    Hmmm…in regards to being addicted to certain things…what if it just wasn’t possible?

    What if it was impossible for our bodies to be addicted to things that are bad for us?

    Because I don’t think they can be.

    I like to think that if we are getting enough sunlight, sleep, fruit (lots of fruit) and veggies, feeling our emotions, and moving our bodies in feel good ways…

    then those things that aren’t helping us will fall away…

    mmmm! kind of like the Rori third way…

  417.  #417Dominique on August 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Absolutely Jilly.


  418.  #418Laughing Goddess on August 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    ***Hmmm…in regards to being addicted to certain things…what if it just wasn’t possible?***

    Love this!!!

  419.  #419Goodheart on August 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Oh yes, Jilly! I believe that.

    And it feels good to believe that 🙂

    Even people who aren’t in line with the good way we feel about ourselves & are treating ourselves, will magically fall away.

    I’ve experienced this.

    It feels delicious!

  420.  #420Laughing Goddess on August 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I feel surprised to see fermented foods on the ‘no no’ list as my research and experience has shown them to be invaluable for balancing the body.

    It’s my understanding that fermented foods can replace the candida with bacteria and yeasts that are actually beneficial for the body.

    I used to make kefir from fresh milk from my own goats. That felt so powerful and healing in my body.

    I am now making kombucha/jun and I LOVE it. I feel so much pleasure doing it. I feel so connected to the mother. That might sound weird to someone that has never made it but the ‘mother’ is a living organism and it feels like a cocreative process. I give her a green tea/raw honey mix and she transforms it into a magical, bubbly elixir.


  421.  #421MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    hmmm…As much as i’d like to believe things just aren’t addictive, my understanding of chemical addiction tells me otherwise. (IE: nicotine, alcohol, opiates, amphetamines etc etc)

    Psychological addiction is a different thing. (IE Love, eating disorders etc etc)

    However as I mentioned near the top of this thread even emotions send chemical signals.

    I feel wary of touching this subject. I don’t want to bring out my intellectual side on this blog. I don’t think it’s fair though, to illegitimize any kind of addiction. Substance or otherwise.

  422.  #422Daria on August 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    yup, my addictions have definitely fallen away 🙂

    on the intellectual side, i’ve even read studies about addictions falling away when the environment is healthy

    ex. rats not getting addicted to heroin when their enviornment was fun and rat happy, vs addicted when the environment was stressful

  423.  #423bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    i think i want to move back into my parents’ home. i feel so weird thinking that. i feel scared & hollow to type it out. but there it is. i feel curious & scared what that might “mean” for my relationship. i feel a weirdness to fully sink my roots into this soil. i feel dubious about the stability of the position & the fertility of the dirt. woosh

  424.  #424MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm


    I can see what you’re saying daria. Perhaps the desire to use an opiate long enough to become addicted is less likely in a happy environment?

    As in…A happy teenager may use heroine once, and have no desire to continue its use for lack of needing “escape”. Where a unhappy teenager may use over and over because the effect provides them with something they need.

  425.  #425Tam on August 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Well, on the subject of addictions I have noticed that when I feel well I can eat well and I can treat myself well….when I do not feel well due to outside circumstances being either beyond my control somewhat or just being unhappy, I:

    -overeat generally (can’t stop)
    -eat bad things (can have a whole chocolate ice cream tub as a dinner for example)
    – crave alcohol
    – crave cigarettes (although I never smoked and only tried cigarettes 3 years ago for the first time…still)
    – overdose on caffeine
    – do destructive things to my body, i e run too fast or too far, pick the dry skin on my fingers till they bleed (sorry this is gross)….and so on.

    and the physical things when not well:
    – hair falling out
    -losing or gaining weight fast
    – palpitations
    – insomnia
    – depression coming and going in bouts

    (all of that aggravated by not eating well etc)

    Wow, seeing those lists here is scary. But that’s what I have noticed.

  426.  #426Daria on August 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    i feel excited with my shift in perspective from focusing on a substance as dangerous and addictive – which i felt powerless thinking

    and instead seeing addiction in a soulful way as a way to avoid painful feelings

    so many behaviors serve as addictions and …

    the root of it, unhappiness, trauma’s aren’t seen when focus is on the substance

    and i want to take this perspective even MORE when i look at people i see as ‘addicted’ to ddrinking alcohol,

    or ingesting or inhaling or injecting

    cuz i remember it feeling incredibly freeing in the glimmerings

    and i can help healing by getting to the root!

    yay me

    im so smart

    im so cool for looking behind what someone else said or wrote

    and asking my truth teller voice

    this feels scary, i don’t want to feel guilty later that someone is upset and now i feel excited to ‘provoke’ change

    and id feel better to learn to take pleasure in a gentle approach as much as i delight in intensity and power and magnitude and flash

    what if it could be both intense and gentle!

    what if waht i express and share i could do it in a way that feels both gentle and intense that would feel so awesome!

    i feel glad i feel way more open to gentle now!

    TODAY I went thru something SOOOOOOOO triggering

    i EFTd and EFTd thru the suicidal thoughts

    and cried and howled, in front of my fam and people

    and then i EFT and asked for angel help

    and aHUGE storm started up outside, that lasted about 5 min


    that felt … pretty cool…

    my mom came to tell me cuz i was still tapping and crying and howling

    the sto
    rm subsided


    powerful stuff

    and i feel smily now
    the toill crying and tapping, and we took in the clothes from outside

  427.  #427Laughing Goddess on August 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    I see it as a shift of perspective, a reframe that feels very empowering to me.

    I can see how someone else would not if they were looking at it through a different filter.

  428.  #428bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    oh i feel happy to see names of people i know & “life goes on” talking chatting easy easy the wind blows

  429.  #429Laughing Goddess on August 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Another thing that feels so good about making the kombucha…I feel so excited when the mother reproduces herself. And I love that I can ‘read’ her state of health by how she looks. When she’s happy, she is thick and white and vibrant, sort of pure and clean looking.

    I just feel so delighted working with it. Making kombucha is one of my new passions!

  430.  #430bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    i feel weird because i feel like begging for “advice” but my friend just told me, “whatever question you think you’re asking, you probably made up your mind about the answer months ago” & i feel intrigued & puzzled & deep in myself, so much as to be “lost” – & also with the knowledge that my heart-hands already hold the answer, emblazoned in gold on a pearlescent tablet. thank you

  431.  #431bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    laughing goddess, i love to watch the mother culture grow & change too. & kombucha is my favorite thing to have first in the day YUM : )

  432.  #432Laughing Goddess on August 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Bloom: I feel sooo connected to my feminine energy when I work with the mama!

  433.  #433Laughing Goddess on August 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Blooming: I support you no matter your decision.

    One thing I would look at, if it was me, would be to make sure it’s not just a response to fear of intimacy.

    Other than that, I would just follow my heart. It’s just that sometimes my fears seem like my intuition talking… And i feel good stepping back and getting clear on where the voice is coming from.

  434.  #434Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Right now I have no addictions. My injury in April was significant in helping me get rid of wheat and sugars. Dominique started me on kefir that has helped my disgestion a lot. I am getting ready to give buckwheat a whirl. Most of my inflammation is gone and I have been losing weight.

  435.  #435bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    femininewoman, if you have a word for me, i would feel grateful : ) i am not asking for “an answer to my questions” so much as i would feel enlightened to hear your perspective if you feel good to share. thank you : )

  436.  #436Tam on August 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    blooming, why back to the parents?
    are you living with a man right now and it doesn’t feel good anymore?
    sorry, I don’t recall the full story.
    I am a bad one to advise because for me it was the worst thing in the world, and I only did it because I had no other option, but then I never had a stable or loving family environment, so that’s why I can’t advise…I just feel curious.

  437.  #437Jilly on August 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    I love all this talk on different perspectives…

    I love feeling open, expansive and light…for all possibilities and following those that empower me 🙂

  438.  #438bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    tam, i do live with someone. i’m just not sure i feel ready. i’m not sure that his life path is one that merges wonderfully with mine for the long journey, or if it’s just a twist-y crossing… : ) i know i’m feeling a bit…. cut off in a way. i long for my family (& i don’t live that far from them) & i long for quiet-ness that doesn’t feel supported where i live now. i also long for a deliberate still-ness which i actually know from sharing with him that he finds “boring” or “non-home-like”… i feel the question “fear of intimacy” — but… i might have to deal with that “alone” first, if you know what i am saying…. hm i barely do lol : )

  439.  #439Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Blooming it is a tough one but I have seen other young people do it. Have you sunk into youself to see if it is a flight response?

  440.  #440Tam on August 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    hm. so why not live alone?
    but then I am a loner. I understand some people like to live with family or house shares with friends.
    So why don’t you just move and see how it feels, can you do a trial or do you want out for good?
    the relationship will end too?

  441.  #441Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Sounds like your natural rhytms are different

  442.  #442bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    it is a bit of a “flight” response… i feel terrified of life-long commitment & i feel terrified of losing Big Love…. however………. i also feel really strong right now. & i feel… like i was born there with him again into something new & different that doesn’t “belong” there anymore….. i feel “set out” in a new direction that i didn’t “get” before & i feel ….. craving of the safety of my parents’ nest. & i feel terribly guilty about maybe putting financial burden on cd. but i feel moved thinking of my little family (me, my mama, my daddy) all moving together for a little last while & feeling all happy & healthy & New about it….. idk. scared human

  443.  #443bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    i do think our “natural rhythms” are different – it feels particularly troubling to me in “social situations” where we “read” things differently…… & i feel a bit “wrong” & also “wronged” where i truly know that nothing is so “wrong”

    anywayz. for some reason, i’m feeling pretty “sure” about wanting to leave, even if i feel sad & terrified.

    i feel deeply in love. & attracted. i like the Relationship, as it is. i *myself* just don’t feel as good & i want to leave. to move closer to my Other goals that feel……. magical : ) & connected still. somehow. i’m not so focused on that analytical “get there” strategy part though… help i really am scared & shaky

  444.  #444Jilly on August 21, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Blooming…I have experienced this before…and I did move back in with my parents…

  445.  #445bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    idk i feel “bad” to leave a good man who loves me.

    however, we “fight” a lot & i feel tired of the constant battle to communicate. i have a lot of work to do on myself & in myself …..

  446.  #446bloom-ing on August 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    i’m a sensitive girl & i want to feel like i live in the center of the lotus, not the center of a city marketplace LOL

    gosh jilly… do you feel good about your decisions? or did you at the time ? i don’t want to pressure you for information & i don’t want to “get into” someone else’s story instead of living my own, but i do feel curious !

  447.  #447luzydel on August 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I am wondering if this quest for Mr. Amazing is just an allusion; Perhaps this is it for me, maybe I can find good things on every CD I date and then let them go as usual maybe there is not just one person for me, but many different ones. Maybe commitment is something I give to myself. I am starting to accept the status quo of my romantic life…, It is what it is, I can be happy this way at this moment with no Love, Every time I try to find love somewhere else I end up unhappy, maybe the secret is yo be happy just right now whatever my situation is…

  448.  #448Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I feel you baby girl

  449.  #449Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Blooming look at what you argue about. Is it always the same thing?

    I am kinda against moving in and also moving out. I prefer commitment. Commitment to self first. Then commitment to relationship. I view the moving in/moving out scenario as practicing divorce. But that is me. I also have seen where men don’t value their women who do this. I am not saying all men are like that but I would suggest giving yourself at least the mental option of this relationship being over forever if you choose to move out. I believe your life’s purpose/passion is important and being with a man who supports you on it

  450.  #450Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    A sensitive woman needs a man who understands her sensitivities and does not make her wrong or criticizes her is my belief. What I have experienced thus far I have judged those types of men as too sweet and feminine energy too soon.

  451.  #451LoveAlways on August 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    Spamming the blog again. I know I just pop in here and there, but here is where I feel safe and flex my siren muscles when I’m feeling any kind of way, no matter what or when. Thank you all for being here!

    I’m in a difficult love situation right now, and I found myself not knowing what to say or to do and feeling so many and various emotions. I could not lean back far enough because HScd is leaning in so hard I am backed to the wall. I feel safe, but lately I’ve felt overwhelmed by everything involved. And in the midst of this turmoil, I held my inner strength, felt my feelings and chose my words. I felt so scared and powerful at the same time. I still don’t know what to do – it’s not just surprise but also uncertainty I am feeling and experiencing lately, but he is constantly there with his arms around reassuring me, leaning in. The old me would have fallen apart and struck out at him in some stupid illogical way for some hidden triggered reason. The siren me was a fire-y ball of feelings engulfing only myself but singing my truth – and he reached out with his heart. This is not easy in any form, and I feel so afraid of what is to come, but I feel so much more grounded than I ever have in my life because my energies (and tools) are keeping me safe

  452.  #452Dark horse on August 21, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    Hi sirens I’ve had an anxious sort of day. It’s because wildanimalman and I share a lot of financial stuff and I had to lean forward to ask him something and I have not heard back. I took care of myself and meditated, went for a wonderful run in the forest and best of all spent time with my horse. Wildanimalman gave me my own horse and it is a dream come true for me. But I feel anxious and sad and unimportant. And then I feel angry. I never lean forward. He asked me to take care of something, I try to but am missing some info and ugh! Breathe dark horse breathe. I feel frustrated and like yelling don’t ask me to do something and then make it difficult for me to do it.

    Radlove I liked hearing about you swimming and mowing the lawn! Is the water cold where you are? I like to swim but only in warm water! I’m so glad you have an interview coming up and that you will be able to pay your rent and b ills. Do you like plants? I have a lot of plants at my house and I love them. I feel so happy when I see them growing some new leaves like little hands stretched out to the sun.

    Tam I feel so curious to see what will happen when you get to Florida. Does mr p know you are not staying with him?

  453.  #453Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    I’m feeling such pain not talking to my unavailable (UA) guy. We didn’t talk for just over three weeks then I felt needy and had to see him. There was some back and forth…too much connection again but I enjoyed it. But, I knew he may not contact me and he hasn’t.

    He probably figures I will be at our club this week. But, I can’t do it. We are in the middle of some house projects and he has a lot of big stuff at my house…tons of tools, a couple of chairs, a large glass and wood bookcase…and my heart wants him…I don’t want to want someone who doesn’t do much to keep me. He has worked long and hard at my house but what else???

    Why do I still hang on? I don’t want to talk with a potential cd I will name P. When I said I needed some space I meant a week, a month, etc. He thought I meant one day.

    I want to release the neediness I have for UA. Quit the club that I’ve outgrown. But, I want to poke him, jab him, by email or phone call or somehow. I want him to miss me. I want him to feel bad. I want to hurt him.

    I also want to take the high road and leave him alone and skip the meeting, cancel my membership and ride off into the sunset. But, I don’t want to feel the pain. I want to release the pain. I want a guy who wants me as much as I want him. How to be in this place of wanting and yet leaning back, releasing, and finding some true happiness again.

    Any thoughts????

  454.  #454Dark horse on August 21, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Oh I wanted to say also I stopped smoking by meditating! I smoked for years did te alan Carr clinic which really helped for a few years started again then meditation helped but I was totally hooked on nicorette then earlier this year I learned a more formal method of meditation and within a few weeks the addiction to nicorette melted away.

    For me smoking totally subdued my feelings and when I stopped I felt scared by how intense those feelings were. The nicorette did the same. It’s been a rocky road the last few months without any mood altering substances but I feel better relying on natural feel good activities. Just sharing my experience.

  455.  #455Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Is anybody on the blog this evening?

  456.  #456MissStix on August 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Right now in this moment I feel alone. I am alone. With me and no one else. I feel it. I feel…Nothing else. All flat. Paper thin and crispy. Just me.

    Brain says:

    You should feel sad.

    You should feel grumpy.

    You should cry or breathe or visualize. No no no. Such lacking. Vast open void. Hmm that’s neither this nor that. It just is. Like space? No. Space is full of wonders and violence and creation and destruction. Just…absence. Lack of. Not nothing. Not something. Is it taking all my power to be here, away, removed? No. It is taking no strength at all. What is this, I don’t want to feel? Anything. Or do I…Yes I do want to feel something in this moment. I don’t. But even that isn’t sad or disappointing. And the lack of sad and disappointing isn’t empowering. It just exists. Doesn’t exist.

  457.  #457Dominique on August 21, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    luzydel – #447 – “maybe the secret is yo be happy just right now whatever my situation is…”

    yes, feeling happy and complete without a man makes room to let one in, yet it won’t matter because you feel happy no matter what.


  458.  #458Vi on August 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Posts about addictions reminded me that I used to feel worried not only about being ‘not good enough’ but also ‘not bad enough’ ))))) i feel giggly now .. I’ve got intolerance to artificial colors, flavours and preservatives in all kinds of food, including alcohol and some particular products… And having ‘too much’ of anything I could have, was kind of pricey… and I felt alienated and weird, esp. when i was a teenage girl… so I’ve got this ‘not bad enough’ feeling : ))) .. Several times I honestly tried to take to smoking, i gave it 2 – 3 months for each try, but felt nothing and turned off and uninterested. Even though I think smoking is super stylish and glamorous! and i used to smoke only when i get togther in a fancy place with 2 best glamorous friends of mine to celebrate “togetherness” .. and we live on different continents now .. i feel curious – can i feel good about my ‘not bad enough’ feeling? … i can .. i see my body doing a great super mega awesome job for me !!! oh wow my small body is super strong and persistent in surviving .. my body wants me to feel good ((((((((((my body)))))))) I feel loved by my body .. thank you body for teaching me to make right choices and seek what feels the best .. the kind what i’m trying to do now in my relationships with myself and other people … thank you body, I love you too! …. wow I AM a safe place….I feel so connected to my body….YUM!

  459.  #459Dominique on August 21, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Femininewoman – I feel delighted to hear that kefir has helped your digestion. YAY!!!

    For the residual inflammation, you might want to look into higher doses of omega 3s in capsule form from cold waters such as Norway, 2-3000 iu a day. One of the few times I endorse supplements. Enteric coated is better too as well as burp free.


  460.  #460Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    I feel curious why dominques gravitar appeared next to Starla’s entries….

  461.  #461Dominique on August 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Emerson – I saw you wrote this yesterday, yet on my computer, it didn’t show up like this. She had the pink flower as usual. Very strange. Maybe we have gremlin (gr)avatars.


  462.  #462CurvySiren10 on August 21, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Starbright, I just got here to read. I feel sad reading where you are with UA only because I have so much empathy for those feelings and they are not pleasant.

    I would encourage you to do a whole lot of nothing now in terms of decision making. Things are too raw, too volatile- to make big decisions. The very best thing you can do is to give him the space to miss you. Let him wonder where you are and what you’re doing. Create mystery about yourself that is genuine because you are putting your energy elsewhere.

    I know better than anyone that’s sometimes easier said than done, but it will go a long way in eventually telling you if this man is going to step up…or not.

    Sending you lots of hugs.

  463.  #463Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 5:34 pm


    Aw, thanks so much. I feel a bit of a sigh of relief to feel heard and also that you understand.

    Yesterday, I had a window of feeling really good. And, then I thought – Oh, maybe it had a lot to do with that time of the month. But, then that small window closed and back to feeling so sad.

    And, I don’t think UA will step up. And, I can’t keep hanging out in limbo land because I care too much for him and me to keep doing that – over functioning stuff and feeling such pain in between times. I can’t do it/don’t want to live in such pain. It is just that not seeing him/talking with him is pain all the time because there are not the highs of being with him. Oh, I feel embarrassed in a way for letting this go on for so long.

    But, I have learned a lot…just some way to go still.

    Curvysiren I so appreciate you! Thanks again!!!


  464.  #464Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm


    Do you have a date set? I’d love to hear more about your positive story too, if you feel like sharing.

  465.  #465CurvySiren10 on August 21, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Don’t feel embarrassed Starbright. This is your process and there is so much to learn from it. Whether he steps up or not. The goal should be to get to a place where you can feel detached from the outcome…which will naturally create that “good space vibe”. If he doesn’t step up, you won’t be second guessing as to why.

    In the meantime, when you feel ready, open your mind and heart to new experiences. And there is no pressure as to *when* that may be.

    I am here any time you want to talk/vent/be heard.


  466.  #466CurvySiren10 on August 21, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    No date yet. He is in more of a hurry than I am. I have only been divorced for a little over a year (though separated for a long while before that…) so feeling no urgency. I know he is my “the one” (as Dominique says 🙂 ) but don’t feel urgency about being married at this stage of my life. The commitment is everything to me.

  467.  #467Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 6:00 pm


    That really means a lot to me. I feel like you have gone through it and grew and come out so well on the other end.

    I just want to come out well 🙂 it is okay if he isn’t by my side. As long as I keep my heart open and move through it.

    This is one of the hardest breakups I have experienced in a very, very long time. So many years I kept my heart protected because I was scared to let a man in. UA has known me better than any man. And, I don’t want to close my heart again. But, I know I was always afraid of this pain.

    So, I will attempt to keep sharing and keep moving through it. Taking care of my heart and my body and my mind (ha) Thinking about how mentally and emotionally I have been struggling. I don’t want to be in a bad place for long.

    I am planning on doing some swimming tomorrow. I have missed out on that this summer, but there are some days now when I can have access to a pool not too far away and I can just go and relax and float and feel the sun and air on my skin.

    Right now I am sitting on my patio. I was so hungry I stopped and picked up a pizza and diet coke (I read all the comments about food and I have been most the summer on a no dairy, no gluten, low carb, no sugar eating plan.) And, I thought of the times UA and I would pick up something for dinner to share…

    But, I like the air on the patio in the shade and feeling the rhythm of the world. And, my tears feel refreshing and after the small waves of tears I feel some relief of the pain…

    Not sure if I”m up for an improv class with my friend instead of the meeting. Not sure if I feel like exposing myself like that right now to a group of people I don’t know on a stage. But, moving towards other things does feel like the thing to do….the swimming seems like what would feel the best to me tomorrow and we shall see what else.

    Curvysiren – Thanks for the encouragement to take my time and that you are there. 🙂


  468.  #468Femininewoman on August 21, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Dominique just today a colleague was telling me to try that. Her masseuse recommended it. I guess this is confirmation. I’ll definitely get some tomorrow

  469.  #469Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 6:04 pm


    “No date yet. He is in more of a hurry than I am.”

    That made me laugh! So, so great that things turned around for you completely! And, that you feel so good about the commitment and that he is your “my one!”

    Your story is very encouraging!!!

  470.  #470Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    I don’t usually get to sign on in the evenings – my home computer has been out, but now it is fixed – yea!

    So – I am flirting with a new guy on POF right now via email and he has been offering to give me a masssage. He just now asked me if he could kiss me all over too . . .

    I said, “Flirting with you feels nice, but I can feel myself starting to get shy” . . .

    I wonder what he will say to that. He has not even asked me my name yet. I’m trying to be open and experience this, but YIKES! I feel like he is going to materialize right here in my living room any minute . . .

    He describes himself as “Big & Tall” . . . I’ll call him BIG CD . . . He’s good looking. I hope he asks me out, not just wanting sex talk – I’m not real comfortable with that even when i do know a man – :/

  471.  #471Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 6:10 pm


    I like your feeling message: “Flirting with you feels nice, but I can feel myself starting to get shy.”

    It seems like a gentle way of getting your point across! I guess you will see if he pushes further or steps back.

  472.  #472Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    He replied: “Oh no! Don’t do that! I’m a nice guy, not just a horn-dog! I’m better in person and I’m sorry if i pushed the wrong button!”

    I said, “Lol – it’s ok. I’m still right here.”

    Him: “We;; don’t get scared, ok?”

    Me: “Ok . . . “

  473.  #473Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm


    His response to your feeling message sounds encouraging!

  474.  #474Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    This is awesome practice for me to just be the girl . . . my boy wants to ask his name, tell him mine, change the subject – something to take charge of the situation, but I’m not and it feels decadent ~

  475.  #475Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Ohhhh . . . He just told me his name – this is totally working!

  476.  #476Miss Bells on August 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    I am feeling a bit apprehensive.
    My new (to me) car–as it turns out, has a problem that will cost $2000-$4000 to fix.
    I love the car, it is otherwise perfect, and I paid a pretty low price for it.
    The mechanic is supposed to call tomorrow at 9.
    Here is the thing–do I let HS know what is happening?
    He may get pretty loud. But–He does always say i am secretive and it bothers him.
    On the other hand–he is not my husband or even my boyfriend right now.
    If I wait too long to tell him he will be even more pist.
    He will not be the one paying the bill. I have the money though it will leave me pinched for awhile.
    Should I ask his advice? How then, do I deal with the yelly thing?
    He has often said that he would rather by a car that looked great and felt great to drive and then fix the mechanical part as needed.
    I was maybe going to remind him of this opinion of his and tell him that I love the car and feel great driving it. And I can afford it with a little budgeting…
    What do the sirens think?
    The other idea is to say nothing and go hang out at my new place, right on the bus line , till the car is finished and paid for.

  477.  #477Stargirl on August 21, 2012 at 6:39 pm


    Back from date three with CDgentle. Great practice leaning back and he leaned forward. We were sitting on a bench and by the end of the date we had moved my direction. I also practiced breathing from my toes and breathing out sparkles. It was fun looking into his eyes. He has wonderful brown eyes. I felt kind afraid I would begin to like him more than CDorchestra, but maybe I let him talk too much and it took some of the mystery away haha Does that ever happen to anyone else?

    Dating is fun, but I want to have more hints of long-term compatibility before kissing or anything. Seems like we have different goals, especially with regard to location. Still it was a nice evening and I felt appreciated. Yay

  478.  #478Calypso on August 21, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    Now we are back to him asking, “You never said if I could kiss you all over”

    Me: “Hmmmm…. I bet that would feel really good”

  479.  #479LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    My friend ran into D’s ex, his son’s mom.
    She told my friend that she really likes me, D has a really good woman, and she hopes he’ll do what it takes to keep this one.

    That felt good to hear, especially coming from her.
    She’s very judgemental on people.

  480.  #480Stargirl on August 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Yay Vi you rock for taking care of your body

    Mmmm that’s a good idea.

  481.  #481LiliBee on August 21, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Day 2 of leaning way way back while D spends quality vacation time with his son.
    No 1 peep from him in 2 whole days.

    I feel forgotten.
    NVs want to takeover.
    I’m struggling to take my focus off of him.

    I spent the evening with a gf, but we talked about men.
    Tomorrow night I get a whole 2 hours of zumba.
    That feels great every time 🙂

    Thursday I go practice my golf swing.
    Friday, I dunno yet, might catchup with a friend.
    Saturday, golf tournament all day followed by banquet.
    I feel relieved to be occupied.

    I will continue leaning back.
    But the more time goes by without a call from him, I’m feeling forgotten.
    I’m not even sure I really miss him, or if I just miss having someone thinking of me and calling me.

    I want to get to bed early and feel energized and focused for my work tomorrow.
    Lots to finish up before vacation.

  482.  #482CurvySiren10 on August 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    Starbright, you sounds so good and strong and focused, despite your obvious pain over this break up. I feel sure that you’re going to be okay. The swimming sounds amazing and like something you are doing to really take care of YOU.

    I’m glad my story has inspired you. It’s really been such an amazing turnaround. Dominique knows my whole saga…last year I was hurting SO much over this. This has been an incredible testament to what really internalizing being a Siren means.

    Hope to keep talking with you…

  483.  #483Miss Bells on August 21, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    So-I told him I am feeling apprehensive–partly because of the upcoming funeral for my friend’s 20 year old daughter–(inexpressibly sad…)
    And partly because I was afraid there MIGHT be something bad with the car.
    So now–no yelling, and no secrecy.
    I AM secretive, and he doesn’t like it. But-I don’t like some of his reactions.
    I am getting closer to openness, to vulnerability.

  484.  #484Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    461 domInique
    Those pesky gremlins! 🙂

  485.  #485Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Wow you are my inspiration! You’re doing great. I wish I could hang out with you on Friday. 🙂 I love you!

    Sometimes I pretend this song is about me: One direction – beautiful

  486.  #486Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    (((miss bells friend)))
    (((miss bells friends daughter that passed away)))

    Soo sorry. My (ex) stepdaughter is 21… I cannot imagine if she died. 🙁 🙁

  487.  #487Daria on August 21, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    ok so i had some practice

    i was talking to a man and i wound up getitng ‘preacy’ to say the worst in teeling him some fascinating (to me) info

    later he said he wanted to know more about it

    and i said okay i feel excited cuz i will learn more by telling you

    and i was feeling happy weeeee

    i love talking about my pashions and sharing info

    but then… something i felt a bit embarassed happend

    and he wound up talking

    for like 45 min

    what he was saying was interesting so i decided to do an experiment of holding onto what i was going to share and listen

    and i wanted to just be receive receive

    and it felt like my jaw was tightenting and my head and heart

    and i could actually see myself on video – video chat

    and i looked blank and out of it

    and a few times i did some perspective shifts, like noticing that maybe it felt like lean forward enregy that ‘WANTING TO TALK AB

    and i do feel glad i didnt… if only to get an ‘accurate’ experiment

    and it DIDNT feel good

    and also i feel foolish to interrupt and say – actually im feeling a bit unheard…

    i wanted to talk about the chakras

    acutally that doesnt sound so bad now

    i feel disappointed not to talk about the chakras cuz i felt so excited and i feel the enregy trappd in me

    i did mention nonblamingly that i felt that way after awhile

    i actually felt Exhausted

    like i do when stuffing



    and at the end i wound up letting him go a bit over my boundaries sexually so now i wound up feeling a bit pist at him

    i shared that

    twice now


    actually i feel like turned off and pist and mad

    and i wonder if its not jsut an after reaction from the stuffing

    even tho what he kept going on about was my beauty nad how much he likes me and interesting stuff

    i couldn’t really ‘hear’ or ‘feel’ it as i just felt the incredible urge to LET OUT MY AMAZING WISDOM on the chakras

    and i feel confused about this

    i dont want to get preachy with a man so whatsup with this?

    i wonder what the message was and what this showed up to heal

    i litearlly still feel my face all tight from holding … somthing


    this is my face

    not feeling too good with that

    im healing

    love to me i feel exhausted

    no more holding in, even if its energy about my passions

    i will find an FM to express next time

    i wonder what and i feel sleepy and want to slepe now

    i feel cranky now and am noticing cranky thoughts like

    ugh i dont want to talk to him anymore


    its 6 again dammit i coulda went to sleep early


    damn im pushing a man away again



    i feel sad

    and ‘hard’ and sad under that

  488.  #488Vi on August 21, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Stargirl thanks for cheers! I feel exhilarated 🙂

  489.  #489Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Miss bells maybe tell him about be car repairs…. Perhaps he will help you?? If not, then no loss….go with your original plan. You found a place to move ??

  490.  #490Daria on August 21, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    this is the same waY I FEEL when i feel angry and i ‘hold my tongue’

    my upper lip is tingly and pinching

    my face is frowny

    my temples feel pressured and my head feels numb

    and i feel pressure on my head


    i HATE this feeling

    i LOVE my feeeling\

    i dont feel anger, i guess thats what it feels like to hold energy in

    i wonder if i vampire scream what taht would feel like

    i know this doesn’t feel like waht i want to feel

    mm vampire scream feels a lil better

    i still feel shaky and tight and sad

    wow this experiment felt pwoerful (persepective shiftign)

    i feel tired

    i feel sad

    i feel sleepy

    i love my sadness

    the side of my foot is even tingly and throbing

    my cheeks feel numb and heavy


    i feel sad

    ‘i wonder why i did that

    aww im so sorry you feel bad

    i feel so glad i can see that holding in passion stories does NOT feel good!

    i want a man who wants to hear my passion stories!

    i feel sad

    i feel guilty and afraid that i have too MUCH passion stories and i can take up the whole time babbling passionately…

    ist that still attractibve?

    i did it on the first date with the guy who became my lover last month…

    i feel confsued about this…

  491.  #491Starbright on August 21, 2012 at 7:54 pm


    I would really like to keep talking with you in the days ahead! That feels very comforting! Thank-you.

    The swimming does feel like it would be just for me. And, I bought a new suit that feels good on me a few weeks ago and didn’t get a chance to wear it yet. Beautiful deep blues and turquoise blues in diagonals and v-neck so it’s sexy and good to swim in too! 🙂

    So, I will wear my sexy new suit and play in the water and relax my body, mind and spirit. It feels so relaxing just thinking about it.

    I went to see a psychic the other day and she was like “Oh, honey you need to soak in a salt bath and release the heaviness and sadness and heal your heart.” She was also encouraging me to take my time with everything.

    I am feeling some better now than earlier this evening…

  492.  #492Vi on August 21, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    It feels kinda sad that my body seems to have more resistance to ‘bad’ – feeling things than I am .. wheee ..I am judging myself for neglecting my emotional boundaries !! LOVE to me, I AM a safe place!! feeling smiley and peaceful .. feeling a little worried by ‘not bad enough’ feeling .. i love my ‘not bad enough’ feeling .. and i still feel unworthy … i feel my jaw and my lips tight .. i love my my jaw my lips and shoulders … i love my ‘not bad enough’ feeling .. feeling giggly .. hehe

  493.  #493Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    487 Daria Perhaps it was your amazing passion bubbling over? I feel inspired by your listening practice.. It’s something I need /want to be more aware of thank you Daria!

  494.  #494Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Hello vi !

  495.  #495Memulo on August 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you Radlove for your support;) I think it’s going beautifully with R!

  496.  #496Memulo on August 21, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    LiliBee, thank you, your post to me is very helpful and insightful. When I read it I felt different immediately. I felt the responsibility to take care of me

  497.  #497Memulo on August 21, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    He was returning the child at 6 pm today. At 6:05 I got a text: when can I see you?

  498.  #498Miss Bells on August 21, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    No–he won’t help. But we are getting to be on good terms–and I realize how being guarded doesn’t help anything

  499.  #499Vi on August 21, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    Hey Emerson! I feel my lips smiling joyfully to your greeting 🙂

  500.  #500Emerson on August 21, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    499 haven’t seen u in a while vi!

    Miss bells perhaps be open to be surprised…

    Sirens I’m trying so hard to be more open to meet new men/people in general.

  501.  #501Radlove on August 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm


    495 – YW! TY! Yes, I think it couldn’t be going better with R! I feel so excited and happy! He just called me and we talked for ten minutes, and he said he’d text me when he gets home!