Be An Investigator Of Experience

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We are not detectives of “thoughts” we are investigators of experience, through the medium of feelings — Rori Raye

This sort of came out of my mouth during one of my teleclass support group sessions, and I quickly wrote it down, because it’s pretty much the bottom line of what we’re doing here.

Instead of searching for a “result,” instead of living in the place where you’re striving for your “goals” – we’re about experiencing the moment, using it as an opportunity for awareness and illumination and practice, and letting the future unfold.

And this is challenging.  It’s counter-intuitive and against everything we know, everything we’ve been taught.

Goal-setting is the culture we’ve grown up in, and it works for many things… in many ways it works for love, too – by clarifying what it is you really want and getting your priorities in better order –  but mostly it just destroys love.

Love involves some commonality of values –

…Not necessarily commonalities of interests – except for ONE interest: Having an abiding, bonded, dependable, emotionally resonant and fun, lifelong relationship and family.

If those interests are not well matched…nothing can happen.

And yet, it’s amazing how many of us completely ignore THAT match in favor of the match of all other common interests that are, for the most part, irrelevant.

So – how do you investigate experience?

You start with some basic interpretations of what you want and need…and make sure that ANY man you interact with AT ALL is prepared, willing, and excited to fill those needs.

Could be for contact, for connection, for time and attention, for verbal sharing, for commitment, for family, for travel (if it’s not an interest but a need you want to share with a man), for financial stability, loyalty, honesty…whatever’s on your top 10 list of values you have to have in order to be happy.

And then you let no man who doesn’t want to meet your needs past the “first cut.”

In the “American Idol” of your romantic life – he gets eliminated. And hopefully at the first audition – not all the way to Hollywood Week.

And then – you pay no attention to the voice in your head that says PLAN!”

The voice that says “Do what you think will work. Do what you think he wants. Do what will get you….this!”

Agendas and strategies are the enemies of love.

Resisting love is the enemy of love.

In fact – resisting FEELING is the enemy of love.

Investigating doesn’t involve a plan.  It’s about following clues. Following feelings, and hunches and intuition.

Start by defining for yourself what “experience” is instead of what you “think about.”

See if you can find the difference between being “in your head” about anything or being in the experience.

Try going back and forth between your head and the experience you’re having at the moment in a physical, emotional, heart-centered way.

See how just “giving up” on thinking changes everything for you.

It allows feelings to come up and experiences to be experienced.

Just walk around for a day like this and see what happens!

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1tinque on March 2, 2011 at 7:21 am

    “Agendas and strategies are the enemies of love.
    Resisting love is the enemy of love.
    In fact – resisting FEELING is the enemy of love”

    There it is, right there…Release, let go, breathe, melt…


  2.  #2Laughing Goddess on March 2, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Good morning world! It’s gonna be a great day.

  3.  #3LilyBelle on March 2, 2011 at 8:22 am

    “Agendas and strategies are the enemies of love.
    Resisting love is the enemy of love.
    In fact – resisting FEELING is the enemy of love”

    I heart this.


  4.  #4Wytch on March 2, 2011 at 8:27 am

    love this post, its so true and i’m feeling it soo hard to stay in the moment and the feeling, also having real difficulty with using feeling messages, although i am getting better and its amazing to really feel something, the first time in my life i have ever experinced this.

    I have just had a text from someone i quite like and he has opened up telling me about his past realtionship and how it has left him feeling very vunerable, and with trust issues. i want to respond to let him know i hear him and i have no intnetion of hurting him or giving him trust issues i want him to be able to trust me and us to move forward and get closer. but i know this is the wrong way to word it, so i could do with some help to word the message (its gonna have to be a text)

    Can you wonderful guys help me to turn this into a feeling message and help him open up a bit more?

  5.  #5Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:44 am

    I posted last on the prior thread – didn’t see this one open. Wanted to express my take on it since I’ve been thinking about it for a while.

    I actually did win a beauty contest at some point in my life, was 2nd in my country in jr rhythmic gymnastics, still have the same weight as I did at 19 and still turn heads, speak 4 languages, 2 masters degrees and multiple self-study courses, love art, literature and music and actively go to various events with or without guys, pretty good dancer, love to cook, raised a son on my own, I’m 39 now and my son is 18, moved 3 countries because I saw better opportunities for us to develop and grow, and my home is warm and pretty. I always dress nicely and do treat guys with warmth and respect. Yet I am quite lonely and guys break up with me just like that;) I am happy looking at my son though – he is shrinkingly smart, talented, well-adjusted, great communicator and just a great kind grounded kid. I must have done something right;) But still any of the above doesn’t really help me in my personal life. Earlier I met men who wouldn’t marry me because I was a single mother, there was a man who said I was a foreigner, etc. It’s true that these guys, the ones I know of, are still alone. So I concluded that perhaps it’s 15%-20% me and 80% them – to be very generous to them haha! Working on my 20% here and hoping to meet someone who is ready to settle.

  6.  #6Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful for today.

  7.  #7LilyBelle on March 2, 2011 at 9:21 am

    I’m thankful for you.


  8.  #8tinque on March 2, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Wytch – There is nothing you can say to let him know he can trust you. Trust comes from experience. He has to feel for himself that he can trust you, and this takes time.

    Keep your heart open and receptive and listen to him. No advice, just listen. When you feel good, tell him. When he does something that pleases you, melt and tell him, or just melt.

    If he does something that feels bad, let it go if it’s a small thing, for men can and do say and do some really stupid things sometimes unintentionally. If it’s something significant, you could say, “this feels bad.”

    He’s finding his way as are you.

    This is how trust is gained, by being authentic, moment by moment without making him feel wrong for anything about him YOU think needs work or help.


  9.  #9Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 9:49 am

    I feel SO excited reading this post! So good! “Make sure that ANY man you interact with AT ALL is prepared…to fill those needs.” Yippee! I feel set free! Otherwise, he gets eliminated at the FIRST audition! Yessiree. And this: It’s about “following feelings, hunches, and intuition.” I feel so excited, so hopeful, so encouraged, so confirmed that I am on the right track. I really Can trust myself. 🙂 Thank you Rori!!!

  10.  #10Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Wow. I suddenly really FEEL that it’s not wrong to want what I want. Feels like a breakthrough. Have heard voices all my life telling me what I should and shouldn’t want and/or need. I feel free.

  11.  #11Mercedes on March 2, 2011 at 9:54 am

    “Try going back and forth between your head and the experience you’re having at the moment in a physical, emotional, heart-centered way.

    See how just “giving up” on thinking changes everything for you.

    It allows feelings to come up and experiences to be experienced.”

    For some people though we have to find a balance. I know for me, if I were out of my head and into my feelings all the time with J, he would be bored with me (he loves intellectual stimulation from me as well as from his male friends) and I would be fake if I avoided them (I love those rational, logical, current event debates as much as he does and pretending not to would be a disservice to both of us).

    So I do notice my feelings and when necessary I express them (but most of the time it doesn’t feel necessary) and from there, I create a balance between feelings and thinking. It seems to work well for us.

    Much Love,

  12.  #12Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 10:05 am


    #11: I can relate to this completely. Still i try to say FM more than I normally would now just to get used to it. I try to feel this thru not to be a contradiction to my wit.

  13.  #13LilyBelle on March 2, 2011 at 10:08 am

    8: Tinque

    This was great.


  14.  #14Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:14 am

    This IS hOw I walk around. Yay

    I feel excited when I read Roris terms like emotional resonance…

    I love my intuition exploring

  15.  #15Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:17 am

    The truth is I’m feeling sad. Each breath is painful. I feel powerless not treated well…

    I’m not savvy enough, lovable enough, powerful enough to be treated well


  16.  #16Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Here’s where this breaks down for me:

    I’ve spent my life saying, “no.”

    I’ve spent my life following my intuition, and, to be honest, most of them aren’t good enough.

    So, I rejected all offers. And, then, when the ONE guy came along that made my heart spin, I was so lonely, so unfulfilled in my heart — that I TOTALLY leaned forward and away he went.

    So, I’d say the opposite is true. For me, CD-ing is about getting MY needs met. I need attention. I need affection. I need sex. I need to feel good about me, to feel wanted, to feel attractive.

    I’m getting all those needs met by CD-ing, and I STILL am not dating someone I think “passes the bar.”

    Sorry, Rori — I think it’s a mistake to advise women not to let them in if they don’t qualify.

    We need to be in a fulfilled place when the one who DOES qualify shows up. So we don’t freak out.


  17.  #17Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Mercedes – ‘he would be bored with me’

    No I think he wouldn’t.

    I think enjoying your passion for debates and intellectual stuff is a fun activity to share

    Like dominoes – I win – or tennis, or pool.

    I enjoy intellectual opinion sharing with my dad… And it really does feel fun, in a guy bonding way.

    I even enjoy sparring/boxing w some of my men.

    I have so many male friends, that I can share that with, it’s definitely Not about romantic connection, but about me and what I enjoy. Like we both like dancing.

    In conclusion – I noticed you say “he would not like me” and felt a trigger that that belief would scare me like I Have to … Not a big deal since I like to – but working on an energetic level as a fear.

    Like when a woman may think – he won’t like me if I don’t cook – but I like to – so i can easily handle it.

    I like to think the men will like us anyway due to the emotional connection.

    And am glad you have someone you can enjoy your fun with.

  18.  #18Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:31 am

    You let no man who doesn’t Want to fill your needs past the first cut.

    But you let the ones that want to try.

  19.  #19Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:35 am

    I feel excited yet confused. About the making sure they’re excited to fill my needs. Ok. Actually this is pretty clear.

  20.  #20Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Just got an outtatheblue text from fb college guy. My heart actually fluttered! I used to not care that much if I heard from him or not, but now I find myself with a tiny longing to hear from him when it’s been awhile and I feel so happy when I do. I think this guy has a chance of winning me over if he wants to.

  21.  #21Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Lisi are you saying that your intuition is deceiving you?

  22.  #22Josie on March 2, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Hello Sirens
    I feel excited to see another post. I feel happy that I have another chance to learn.
    Keepin smilin x

  23.  #23Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 10:39 am

    I didn’t text him back yet but he just sent me another one, giving me yet another nickname – gufetta – Italian for little female owl (bc I am a night owl). 🙂

  24.  #24Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 10:40 am

    “I need attention. I need affection. I need sex. I need to feel good about me, to feel wanted, to feel attractive”. This all feels needy to me, pressuring and self-centered.

  25.  #25Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I am setting up getright man to be in the situation I was with guywho. I am relating to him similarly also.

    Getright is telling me he has a gf he’s exclusive with and I heard she is pregnant.

    But somehow I call him everyday (just watching myself to learn about my patterns) cuz I need help – to charge my phone, etc

    I do need these things and often fulfill them somewhere else too.

    He seems nice and willing to help for the most part.

    I might need a diff environment again.

    I’ve just rebuilt the guywho situation. Hmm.

  26.  #26Wytch on March 2, 2011 at 10:41 am

    8- Tinique, thank you thats really helpful, i have replied and i’m not sure if getting this right at all … first time in a such a long time i have dealt with feeling stuff (really bad divorce, abuse etc etc) in years.

    i replied : i feel your pain in that message and understand how much you have been hurt, i too have some things in my past that have left me wary of others, you are first person i have opened my heart and i trust you, i would like to help you but you have to trust me, even if its only a little bit. u Ok?

    Re-reading this now it seems totally leaning forward and telling him what to do, and how i want to ‘fix’ him, i wish i hadn’t sent it and i haven’t got a reply either, i’m tempted to text again and explain but worried that would make things worse.

    what do you laides think? thanks so much for all your help, reading here really has helped me keep my sanity at times in the past few weeks.

  27.  #27Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 10:42 am

    RE 23 Lucy it seems the attraction is up and he is pursuing. Would you feel comfortable sending an emoticon? It is said that when you have “pet” names and inside jokes the relationship is more intimate.

  28.  #28Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Wytch Maybe “I know how you feel because I feel the same way too”.

    How long have you known him and have you dated? The scenario should be put in a context to clarify what your relationship is. Also has he been pursuing you?

  29.  #29Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 10:45 am

    #5- Alonka – The self-awareness you struggle with is also my life-long struggle–since I was a child of 12. You, like I do, look at your “personal resume” and know that you are an amazing example of evolved PERSONhood: All your friends tell you that you are a complete catch and they cannot fathom why you are single. You are beautiful to look at, you are talented, you are smart, you make good money and take care of yourself and your family, you are a wonderful parent, and your kids’ good behavior and achievements are a testament to the job you’ve done, you can cook like chef, you fu&k like a professional girl, you are kind and witty and charming and good and such a sincere person!

    But in all your achievement toward your “PERSONhood,” you lost somewhere your “WOMANhood.” Am I right? I think so. Until I found this blog and Rori’s materials five weeks ago, I was so proud of the PERSON I was, and I was absolutely indignant that men did not appreciate me and all my personal, stellar attributes. I am an incredible PERSON! But I was no longer a WOMAN.

    Here, I’ve learned how to coax out my WOMAN. Really, my LITTLE GIRL. Because I had to grow up at such a young age, I was not even a little girl very long.

    So I completely understand where your confusion is: “But I did and do EVERYTHING right! Why does no one notice? Acknowledge? Love me for these achievements?”

    It’s the whole Rori thing about just BEING and not DOING. Fabulously evolved female persons like us have lived a lifetime of achieving and DOING, and subsequently, we have completely lost how to BE WOMEN, how to be happy NOW, how to revel in our femininity without a goal of acknowledgment or praise or promotion or approval.

    I agree, Alonka, you are stone-cold amazing and accomplished, and seemingly beautiful to look at – but I’ve learned here that men just want to feel safe in our aura, and that accurate and impressive details–how much money we make, or how we impress their friends with our pop cultural knowledge, or that we “go down like fat kid in dodge ball” (yeah, sorry, that’s a crude but funny sexual reference–I’ll explain if I have to!)–just don’t matter to them!

    When I first came on here, my staunch feminist side (I was a woman’s studies minor in college) really balked at Rori’s methods and all this seeming passivity and melting and cooing and all the “helpless girl crap.” But I know now that I don’t NEED anyone else to tell me how amazing I am because of what I DO–I KNOW I am amazing just because I exist and because I AM a WOMAN.

    And I am loving “melting” off all that heavy and constraining achievement orientation and productivity focus–until I reveal the radiant WOMAN BEING that I actually am. And that you are too!

    I hope this gives you comfort, Alonka. I hope you receive it in the spirit of love in which I give it–in the spirit of understanding and of sisterhood and of a kindred (overachieving) soul.

  30.  #30Josie on March 2, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Boomer – You Raaawk!
    That is one awesome post and totally sums it up, perfectly.
    Thank you so much for sharing x

  31.  #31Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 10:50 am

    RE 26 Wytch I would wait for him to text before going back to him. It also seems that you telling him you want to help could unconsciously be taken as you being his therapist. Listen and nod your head if he shares when you are together but offer no advise or suggestions, unless he asks. He might just need to be heard. Also no probing questions. Telling him “you have to” is controlling, he has to choose to trust you. This is how I would handle it. I would also open up myself and be vulnerable by sharing my hurt and experience if he asks. This should help him to trust you, in my humble opinion.

  32.  #32Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Lisi, if your CD’s are meeting the needs you just expressed – THAT’S what Rori is talking about! They “qualify” bc they are meeting your current needs. If they are not able to meet your needs, then you say Next. But it sounds like these guys are meeting your basic needs. What do you think? (I see you and Rori as being in agreement here. :))

  33.  #33Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I Have gotten bored – 🙂 – w Securityman, and 19 man.

    I can say what happened to me this week – about u’s feeling loving towards someone breaking up w us.

    I was around getright and expressing my attraction for him…

    Well I felt like my heart was an overflowing fountain of love.., I felt So good. It felt like it was gushing heavy creamyhoney lava love.

    It felt Wonderful!

    I think his testosterone was hitting my hormone receptors.

    I felt like I was floating on air for a couple days.

    I felt amazed!

    Also, I’ve been practicing 5 second smile – and when I add I am all that and I am the air you need to breathe… It feels easier I relax.

    I will also remember to open my heart .

    It’s easy to hold eyecontact w Tman – a cd I had who I intuitively visited and he helped me yesterday –

    He and his friend said I look like I glide across the floor lol while I was doing eye gazing.


    That feels affirming.

  34.  #34Josie on March 2, 2011 at 11:01 am

    I just realised…every guy I have met HATES it when I talk about my accomplishments and I always wondered why they were never impressed or asked me more about them. I GET IT now. It’s because it feels like competition to them, which is masculine.

  35.  #35Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 11:02 am

    FW —

    I disagree. I don’t think it’s needy. I think it’s becoming aware of what’s really going on inside of me.

    For many years, I focused on helping, taking care of, fixing everyone else. I drained myself, and didn’t get my needs met.

    Now, I’m learning that, in order to be healthy, there is a balance. I honor that which is alive inside of me, and in the language of Compassionate Communication, we call those “needs.”

    We have “feelings” which alert us to the “needs” that exist inside of us. A positive feeling when needs are met, and a negative one when needs are not met.

    Sexual expression is a universal human need. So is companionship, belonging, etc….

    I’m saying when I turn everyone down (like I used to do), then I get to a deficit. Then, when I like a guy, I’m in a needy, scarcity space, and he goes away.

    Who knows where my intuition is in this process? I’ve been replaying old patterns from childhood — patterns of being unwanted, particularly by my father.

    Rori says that, when Mr. Right shows up, we probably won’t recognize him, anyway.

    Intuition often leads us straight to Toxic Guy.

    If I’m sounding self-centered — good. It’s a step in the right direction. Even if I over-step and correct the course later.

    I’ve never paid attention to myself at all, so it’s progress.


  36.  #36Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Boomer I don’t mean to be argumentative but I do believe that they do notice. What stops them in their tracks also is that we are argumentative and as Rori puts it we tell them that their thinking is flawed, which is innocuous to us but that is how they feel and they don’t say they just leave. They say something and we say something to counter it. Just like I am doing now.

    Congrats to you anyway, you seem to totally get it. Have you seen any woman in your environment who seem to unconsciously get it? I have a few and I so respect them now.

  37.  #37Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 11:02 am


    #17: I will get bored if I don’t exercise my wit;) I will feel that I have to restrict myself from expressing who I am for the fear of him not liking it. So my approach is to find the way so it ‘s not a contradiction to be smart and speak my truth.. because it’s not.

    Very good points otherwise: ‘Like when a woman may think – he won’t like me if I don’t cook – but I like to – so i can easily handle it.’

  38.  #38LilyBelle on March 2, 2011 at 11:03 am

    29: Boomer

    WOW! I want to print this and put it in my journal. I am on a journey to rediscovering the woman in me and I love it. This is perfect!


  39.  #39Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 11:05 am

    FW, thanks for your input. I love the pet names he comes up with for me. They make me feel cherished and adored. 🙂 Not sure how I want to respond. I feel myself drifting toward my Lucy-cave of non-response … which Daria pointed out could be viewed as a feminine leaning back and waiting to respond when ready……

  40.  #40Josie on March 2, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Nothing, not one thing I have ever read has made more sense to me than what Boomer just wrote above @ #29
    I feel soooooh excited!

  41.  #41Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:07 am

    @7: LilyBelle

    Thanks for your kind words. 😀


  42.  #42Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 11:07 am

    RE 39 Lucy great you are noticing yourself. How do you feel?

  43.  #43Wytch on March 2, 2011 at 11:10 am

    29 – wow boomner you are soo right your post was real liight bulb moment for me, i have worked so hard to hold everything togther, even ended up crying at work today becuase i was so ill and they sent me home, felt like i was letting every one down. i need to learn how to be a woman again!

    28/31 – thanks your right, i can read it now as telling him i wanna fix him, but i will wait and see if he text back, before i say more, its so hard i just want to talk things over and its really hard to lean back, i’m very wary about sharing my pain, its all to do with a very abusive relaitonship i had just after i got divorced, it affected me and the kids so badly i shut down totally for 10 years and would not connect with anyone out of fear.

    to answer your question we have known each other about 15 months, its mostly text and the occasional messenger/phone convo, we live a long way from each other and although we have met up 3 times, i want much more from it, but not sure how to achive this. he does persue me and even when i think he has gone away, sometimes it can be weeks between contact he always gets back in touch with me. i’m feeling so scared by this new way of feeling and doing but i think its right for me now. i just need to find the courage to find my way though. fighting urge to text again as i type… hope its okay but posting here rather than texting him as that is really helping!

  44.  #44Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Lucy —

    Maybe we are in agreement. When I read that, I thought of meeting long-term needs.

    My CD’s aren’t able to support me and raise kids together with me — which is what I was hearing Rori say.

    However, they’re definitely each meeting needs, which was my point.

    I spent the night with M. Monday night. I don’t want to live with him (he’s a slob), or raise kids with him (we have different values), but I love having private one on one time with him. He’s smart and interesting and totally hot and I love the sex.

    And, I got a response from J. — my guy from college. He got my email and “had” to shoot off an instant response before he’d written a whole answer. A “more later” at the end.

    I’m delighted. I would raise kids with J. He’s a great and dedicated father.

    I’m grateful that I have the relationship with M. and the others that I’m talking to. Because, a few years ago, I would have scared J. off with my leaned forward behavior.

    Not now.


  45.  #45Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 11:16 am

    RE 43 Wytch this reads like a casual long distance relationship to me. Rori teaches that we talk to keep intimacy out but I am not sure that after seeing each other only 3 times in 1.5 year that I would say I know this man if I were in your shoes. What do you consider a long way from each other? Has he made any effort to move it to the next level or visit you more often?

  46.  #46Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Lisi, I feel curious about how you define intuition. My intuition always leads me AWAY from Toxic Guy – if, if, IF I listen to it. For me, unconscious attempts to re-enact past patterns in a misguided search for healing – THAT’S what leads me to Toxic Guy. And it’s intuition that gently draws me back from unconsciously following that deadly path. What do you think?

  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:25 am

    @11: Mercedes says:
    “…So I do notice my feelings and when necessary I express them (but most of the time it doesn’t feel necessary) and from there, I create a balance between feelings and thinking…”

    I believe this would be my most authentic self as well…a balance. Feelings and experiences combined create thoughts; thoughts and opinions are valuable and worth expressing also.


  48.  #48Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 11:30 am

    RE 47 SLV my understanding is it depends on where the relationship is. The context is important when relating to people. If they consider us strangers and we start giving our thoughts and opinions if not solicited it generaly shuts people down. That has been my experience as you might have noticed that I am opinionated and sometimes give it even if not solicited. Sometimes we end up “in the relationship” before the man gets there.

  49.  #49Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 11:30 am


    #44 – interesting, in the past I would say no because I knew pretty soon if I could ever fall for a guy – based on who he is, common interests, how much respect I had for him, etc. The way he treated me was NEVER a consideration;) Yes of course if he showed no interest, case closed. But if he showed interest I was so naive to assume that we want the same thing. And when he would show many times that he didn’t have anything long-term in mind, I thought I could change it and if he sees me and how I feel about him, he wouldn’t be able to pass me by. So I wouldn’t agree to sleeping with these guys, but emotionally I wouldn’t leave them either, hoping sometimes for years (!) that their intentions would change and if they only realized how happy we could be together they would just switch. So I waited and waited;)) Don’t know if I’m ready for ‘Mr Right for now’, but at least I don’t count on miracles as much as before;)

  50.  #50Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Lisi, 44 sounds good to me. 🙂 FW, thanks. I feel a bit scared – I don’t want to hurt him – and I realize that’s not a helpful way to see this, but it’s my genuine fear. Maybe I could use some help with that “afraid of hurting him” feeling… FW or anyone…. Now I have to take a shower and I hope this thread isn’t too long for my phone when I’m done! You women are all so great and I am enjoying all your comments here today. 🙂

  51.  #51Josie on March 2, 2011 at 11:34 am

    You are only responsible for YOUR feelings. He his on his own journey and has to set and stand by his own boundaries. As long as you don’t set out with the intention of hurting him and just enjoy being with him you’re on the right path.
    Thats how I see it anyway.

  52.  #52Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Oh SLV I EXACTLY! The PERFECT hairy angel..

    @589: Prairie Girl says:
    “… I think of hairy more like hairy situation.. big burly a$$ kicking strong…it’s a better visual..”

    Is John Travolta big, burly and a$$-kicking enough?…”


  53.  #53Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Alonka – i exercise my wit also. I noticed lately it’s part of being funny – LAUGHING is something i really enjoy!

    i also noticed i use my wit to compete with men, and feel attracted to men who pull me in this dynamic

    also, men who i feel like im “winning” with.

    i do NOT like when i feel like i am NOT winning ie getting my feelings hurt

    this competition with my man becomes repetitive, subtle, and the only form of communication with the man soon

    this happened to me with getright man

    this is a pattern for me

    i engaged this way with my dad and i miss him now

    i want to feel cherished and miss hearing loving and admiring words

    witty humor is great, but for me, the days of witty with men as my forte – as it has been for most of my life – are over

    now my deep truth is my forte and my softness

    witty does present a challenge so in that way it’s better than doormat

    i feel comfortable that i can reroute this creative, fun impulse in a way that feels good to me AND gets me more love

    i LOVE the lil toddler girl in the car commercial seat buckled in the driver’s seat as her dad gives her instructions (she turns out to be a teen and only a toddler in his imagination)

    she looks him full in the eye, so smily, and says, i Knooooow daddy, and then takes the keys, MAKES A FACE SMIRKS AT HIM!!! SO CUTE – while still keeping eye contact, and AFTER that still keeps eye contact as it turns back to a smile and then she turns away and drives off

    i WANT a youtube of this commercial!

  54.  #54Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Here it IS!

    the 5 second LOOK! pat allen talks about how lil 6 year old girls are natural coquettes

    i feel aFRAID of relating to my dad this way

    i feel afraid i will be put down, called dumb

    i love me

  55.  #55Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:39 am

  56.  #56Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Lucy you said you loved the pet name. How about just responding to that? I also agree with Josie, we are responsible for our feelings and needs and taking care of them.

  57.  #57Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 11:42 am

    RE 53 Daria Christian Carter suggests that guys like playfulness. Would you associate witty with playful? I take playful to mean doing things like bowling, dancing, thumb wrestling as well.

  58.  #58LilyBelle on March 2, 2011 at 11:43 am

    55: Daria,

    I loved this and see exactly what you are saying.


    ps I kind of choked up about it…I am that dad and my son is that girl, driving off… *sniff sniff*

  59.  #59Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Alonka —

    I totally agree that it’s a bad idea to try to get a guy to love me if he’s said something easily misread like, “I don’t love you and I don’t want a long-term relationship.”

    I’m kidding, but, you get my point. We usually know that guy doesn’t want us, and we try to make it work.

    I think it would depend on my reaction to M. — right? If I were trying to make it work, trying to get him to be long-term guy, and frustrated that he wasn’t giving me what I wanted — then that would be bad.

    If I’m receiving what he’s willing to give whilst I’m CD-ing and on the bridge to long-term guy, that’s different.

    I don’t date everyone for the same reasons.

    I dated B. because I wanted to marry him and have his babies and live happily ever after together with him. That’s how I felt about him.

    I date M. because I enjoy him and care about him and have a good time with him and love the sex.

    I have to be clear within myself, and not let the “oxytocin overload” kick in and convince myself I want M. to be long-term guy.

    That would be not following my intuition.

    With B., I was definitely “waiting” like you described. I also kept CD-ing, though, because he couldn’t commit. And, that was totally motivating for him.

    I don’t want to wait around for someone to finally realize he loves me, either.


  60.  #60Simply Shannon on March 2, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Haven’t finished this post yet but received this from a recent POF guy. How fitting? 😉

    ————–Men and Women—————-
    ————– are like apples—————-
    ————on trees. The good ones——–
    ———-are at the top of the tree.———
    ——–So People don’t wanna reach——–
    ——–for the good ones because they—–
    ——are afraid of falling and getting hurt—
    —-Instead,they just get the rotten apples—
    ——from the ground that aren’t as good,—-
    —–but easy,So the apples at the top think–
    —–something is wrong with them,when in—
    ——-reality, they’re amazing. They just—-
    ——-have to wait for the right person —-
    ———to come along,the one who’s——
    ————–brave enough to————
    ——————-climb all—————
    ——————–the way—————-
    ——————-to the top————–
    —————— of the tree.———–
    ¸..•¤**¤•., .•¤**¤•.*.; ¸..•¤**¤•., .•¤**¤•.*.;•¤**¤•

  61.  #61Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:52 am

    @23: Lucy says:
    “…I didn’t text him back yet but he just sent me another one, giving me yet another nickname – gufetta – Italian for little female owl (bc I am a night owl). …”

    And you are still a little fox in my book. You literally *are* a little fox in my book… tee hee

    I telephoned Campbell’s and…. [drum roll] found chicken gumbo soup can be purchased from my local Target store. The recipe has changed, it’s now “chicken gumbo light.” Well,,, nothing stays the same exactly but I’m going to get some! Thanks for mentioning it.


  62.  #62Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:56 am

    femininewoman – witty is playful… but for me can easily and subtly take over my entire vibe

    i find that i relate to a man from a “no you don’t, i know better than you, silly boy” level

    which has been my way of flirting for a long time

    it keeps me stuck at a level of competition

    it’s not deep enough, and close enough for me

    and after awhile the distance grows, as my NEEDS for intimacy become attached to the man, and now im desiring a level of intimacy that we never established

    because i never “surrendered”

  63.  #63Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:57 am

    is witty playful… yes…

    i feel tightened up

    playfulness does NOT connect us

    it may attract but not a deep heart connection

    just like sexyness

  64.  #64Pamelala on March 2, 2011 at 11:59 am

    I can’t keep up 🙁

    I feel happy and inspired by all of you and am enjoying reading your posts and insights, but I just can’t keep up and actually get in on the conversation.

    As I type this, I think I’m realizing that I’m slightly stuck in my head (dissociated even) because life is so stressful right now. Stressful, but still great.

    I love my life. I love that my son and his friend have moved in for a little while and that there’s ‘life’ in the house. That feels great – but my health is bothering me. I’m tired. I need a jolt of energy and passion.

    Anyway, blah. I gotta get to the doctor again to see if we can get my blood pressure under control and then off to work.

    See y’all tonight…maybe I’ll catch up then.


  65.  #65Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 12:06 pm


    I know what you mean re: the commercial. But the paradox is that I AM that girl. I look up to a guy when in a relationship, I am soft and tender and would rather quietly put my head on his chest then talk much. I just look into his eyes and feel;) And then find myself being completely speechless when I hear ‘I don’t know where this relationship is going, but i hope you appreciate that I tell you this as many people wouldn’t even bother’. And I hate that!! Because I believe that even in this situation you must defend yourself somehow and at least say – ok, I didn’t feel happy with the way I was treated lately, so I’m ready to move on. or like you suggested – I was not even a siren enough to think about it – ‘That feels awful, I’m hanging up’.

    Instead I say – thank you for everything, all the best to you, have a nice day, bye – which is not too bad, but makes him feel like he can come back any min he wants. Don’t know, I’m confused;)

  66.  #66Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Okay, Lori’s All That tool really resonated w/me… I love the “I’m the air you need to breathe” ever since I heard it in Siren…

    So how are these for sireny statements?

    I am the air you need to breathe..

    My arms are the Sanctuary that give you peace from pursuers..(like in olden days when the outlaw would go into a church and declare Sanctuary, the posse could not follow)

    My voice is the torch that lights your your way home through the darkest night…

    My words are the medicine that soothes your soul…

    My body is the balm that heals your wounds, and bathes you in pleasure…

    My smile is the water that quenches your thirst…

    My eyes are the messengers that call you to love….


  67.  #67Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Reposting from last entry because it’s relevant to being a connoiser of collecting “experiences…”



    Hey, everyone…Re: Billionaire wives – I dated a guy who was somewhat close to that (for 10 years) and ummm..

    sorry, that’s a great fantasy. YES! your man wants a mind and a brilliant one will enchant him…but you better look good to. A woman with a far richer husband shared one day that he called her every day to make sure she worked out and didn’t eat….

    ack! at least I would never put up with that.

    Symmettry is a big marker of beauty tho – like both halves of your face are the same, etc. so I agree there are many aspects of beauty and I love it that we are all so proppping up! here –

    and the be nice to every man thing is so true!

    But these men, (I dated a head chef too…free meals with fawning at every 5 star restaurant in town….) they actually kind of need a classy, self composed beauty or attractiveness by their side to add to their market worth.

    Now if you got them when they were young – I mean Hillary Clinton with the glasses and the hair OMGosh…you might keep them into old age.

    but I’m sure Lori is very attractive in addition to her vibe!

    And, btw, I’m also going to go on to say that those men oftentime as very much like a j-0-b; heck that’s a job description on the billionaire wife thing….lol…

    and it took a lot of soul searching for me to think well maybe I’d like a more “humble” carpenter guy who was nurturing and lowkeyed…

    the verdict is out still for me – but both are equally fine in their own way.

    Lori, it’ll be an adventure for sure and whoo hooo.

    Oh, and one other advice? Learn social protocol, etiquette – it really does matter at times…and it’s a tool just like any of Rori’s…

    xo happy springing day yall!


  68.  #68Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Josie, #34 – Yeah, I did not mention the whole competition thing is my post above because I am still mulling that one around in my mind. DO men see us as competition when we are so successful and together and grounded? I suspect so, but I’m sure some expert out there somewhere will refute my suspicion, and I’ll have to go back to the drawing board on that theory. (Or FeminineWoman will refute it! I tease because I love you, FW, but I do feel as if you’ve popped my balloon at times.)

    I have been online dating for four years and have two ended marriages behind me. I have contended until recently that “men like me don’t want a woman like me.” That a successful, good-looking, humorous, self-aware, intelligent professional guy with good family orientation….THAT guy….really just wants a simpler “girl” on his arm. A “wifey” who will not challenge him, who will adore him, who will go all googly and treat him like the big man. And I resented it. Because I present too much challenge, too much competition. I have seen myself as Simply Shannon’s “apple at the top of the tree.”

    But with my new Rori perspective (and I am still just learning, Sirens, oh, am I!), I get now that *I* can be adoring and melty and googly with “the big man” and not have it diminish my intellect or my accomplishments or my personal strength one little bit.

    WOW. Big revelation.

    So…naturally, those types of men…”the male me” men I said I wanted…they could not have helped but sense my negativity toward them. And a self-fulfilling prophesy was born: they did not, in fact, want me!

    So…are we assertive achieving women their “competition?” I’m not so sure we are in the sense of “fighting for limited resources,” but perhaps in the sense of control. I dunno…still working through it…what do you all think?

  69.  #69Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    @# 60: Simply Shannon
    I like that, thanks.

  70.  #70Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    My version of witty play is with a vibe of “I’m looking at you mischievously and ready to cause trouble but am also nervously chewing the corner of my lip cuz I know any second now you’re gonna (figuratively) throw me down on the floor and cover me with kisses and I’m gonna let you.” 🙂

  71.  #71DizzyLizzyB on March 2, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Hello all! Small break through today… I’ve realized that I’m constantly walking around with a “I don’t have time for you”… “time for this”…attitude. I especially carry this attitude at work (which is were I spend most of my time.) I just realized that is what is being mirrored back from the men in my life. No one is making time for me… making me a priority.

    Today has been good so far… Trying to acknowledge my mood/feelings and feeling much lighter. : ) I’m repeating in my head that I have time for this with each client I meet… and I have time for me too!

  72.  #72Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    SLV – are you all better or just somewhat? Thinking of you!!


    cool it looks like massage or reiki hands!

  73.  #73Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Shannon, awesome apple tree! Thanks! FW and Josie – thx for responding. I agree with what you wrote. I don’t know how to deal with My feeling of fear of hurting him. Are you saying that if I can change my thought about it then my feeling (fear) will change?

  74.  #74Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 12:18 pm


    “no you don’t, i know better than you, silly boy” level –

    this is not me. My style is more – soft smile over some unusual thought, can’t think of an example. Still my gut feeling says that it shouldn’t be a contradiction, just didn’t find the balance there

  75.  #75Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Or maybe just Accept the fear and stay open to him in spite of it? Thx for helping me process. <3

  76.  #76Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    @52: Prairie Girl says:
    “…Oh SLV I EXACTLY! The PERFECT hairy angel..”

    Ha! 😛

    Did you ever see the movie “Michael?” I posted link to a trailer.


  77.  #77Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    SLV, I’m happy about the chicken gumbo. 🙂 And glad you see me as a fox hehe. <3

  78.  #78Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Daria thanks that does make sense.

  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    @55: Daria says:
    “here it is: ..”

    That’s very cute. I hadn’t seen it before.


  80.  #80Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    QuoteUnquote PG

    I’d feel a right tw@t saying them !!!

  81.  #81Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Boomer, my ex-h saw my abilities and accomplishments as something for him to “show off” and be proud of – not as competition. At the time it felt good, but now I feel better with men who love me for being, not for doing. <3

  82.  #82Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    So how are these for sireny statements?

    I am the air you need to breathe..

    My arms are the Sanctuary that give you peace from pursuers..(like in olden days when the outlaw would go into a church and declare Sanctuary, the posse could not follow)

    My voice is the torch that lights your your way home through the darkest night…

    My words are the medicine that soothes your soul…

    My body is the balm that heals your wounds, and bathes you in pleasure…

    My smile is the water that quenches your thirst…

    My eyes are the messengers that call you to love….

    These, I mean..

  83.  #83Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm


    #70: I love that I 😉

  84.  #84Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Also, I have observed that men like “accomplished” women IF the woman really respects HIM and HIS accomplishments and abilities and does not have an attitude of one-up-man-ship. He needs to feel that she respects him and that She is not competing with Him (which I have seen women doing unawares).

  85.  #85Simply Shannon on March 2, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    “Having an abiding, bonded, dependable, emotionally resonant and fun, lifelong relationship and family.”

    I may change all of my profiles to state this one requirement and nothing else. I wonder what would happen. Hehehehe…

    I feel smiley.

    This is so hella on point. OMG.

    Do you know I’ve never asked a man this? I’ve just assumed they want what I want, aka the fluff and not the meat (having a lasting relationship).

    Haha!! I really do feel smiley.

    Hello. Anybody home? This thing on? You listening Simply Shannon, the supposed director of “the show”?

    I love my life and every gift of information that enters it. Thank you Rori!

  86.  #86Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    @ #73: Lucy
    It’s ok to feel afraid of hurting someone but feel it and move on. No need to carry it around like a huge sign, cos that’s ALL he will be able to feel from you if that’s all YOu are feeling about him, ya get me?

  87.  #87DizzyLizzyB on March 2, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Re; Simply Shannon

    I agree…“Having an abiding, bonded, dependable, emotionally resonant and fun, lifelong relationship and family.”

    Pure gold!

  88.  #88Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Lucy, interesting that he showed you off. I did not have that sense with either of my two husbands, but I can totally appreciate how that “on a pedastal” feeling was hard to deal with too. Lots of pressure, I imagine.

    My first husband seemed to be threatened by my being in grad school and achieving beyond his high school degree and my income. But there was a lot wrong with that marriage, and it was over 14 years ago, so I just don’t know anymore. My second husband seemed to be riding on my coat tails – he did not often work nor could he keep a job when he did work – and he knew I had to take care of my kids and that he would be taken care of by default (I suppose I could have refused to give him a plate at dinner or to wash his clothes). Number 2 married me, I suspect, because I made money and could keep him in the “manner to which he would have LIKED to have become accustomed!” And the constant achievement to maintain a lifestyle HE wanted…it almost killed me. And I mean that. I was sapped of all energy and will to live by that marriage.

    But again, I would do both marriages so much differently knowing what I know now, and I have healed a ton regarding those two break-ups just in the last several weeks here. The understanding of how I contributed to the fem-energy they brought has been eye-opening. And I forgive myself–because I did not know. Now I do. I am kinder to both of them now, and it’s trickling down to my kids and I just feel better.

  89.  #89Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    @#84: Lucy says:
    Also, I have observed that men like “accomplished” women IF the woman really respects HIM and HIS accomplishments and abilities and does not have an attitude of one-up-man-ship. He needs to feel that she respects him and that She is not competing with Him (which I have seen women doing unawares).
    This was soooh me !
    I occasionally drop one of my accomplishments into a conversation with ma Beast just to test my theory and right enough he clams right up.
    Sirens – try it, big yourself up to a guy and see what happens; I’d love to know if you get the same results.

  90.  #90Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    @62: Daria says:
    “…femininewoman – witty is playful… but for me can easily and subtly take over my entire vibe…
    …and after awhile the distance grows, as my NEEDS
    for intimacy become attached to the man, and now im desiring a level of intimacy that we never established…”

    There is definitely something about this. Something to think about. What if the guy really values witty play, it’s one of his favorite sports? But I don’t want to get stuck at that level of communication…

    Can anything be done? I’m thinking a relationship was not meant to be or he’d pursue things and communicate at a different level. Maybe I am wrong. What do you think?


  91.  #91Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    89 – Josie – I had a man whose opinion I trust (if not necessarily his motives) say that he stopped calling me because HE wanted to be the be to tell me how wonderful I was and not have me tell HIM. I guess I beat him tot he punch a lot.

    In my defense, he talked about himself A LOT and rarely asked about me. I’m learning to let that be OK though, and to just move on from such a man. And NOT see him as a challenge: “Oh you WILLLLLL acknowledge my fabulosity!!!”

  92.  #92Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Just testing something Girls; ignore this post : )


  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    @64: Pamelala

    I hope when you are reading this you are back from work and feeling better…



  94.  #94Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    RE 88 Boomer reading that brought back something to memory about the roles we play in our lives. That seems like rescurer, what do you think?

    People play different roles; father daughter, parent child, abuser victim. I have seen several coaches talk about such roles.

  95.  #95Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    #76 SLV

    Yes!!! I LOVE that movie!

  96.  #96Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    RE 91 Boomer I understand that they talk so much about themselves because they are nervous and they are saying pick pick me. Lauren Frances describes it as the peacock showing his feathers for the best female to choose him. It is something in nature that all males do. They find something to strut in front of the female to get her attention.

  97.  #97Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    lmao @#91: Boomer
    “Oh you WILLLLLL acknowledge my fabulosity!!!”

    Yeah, I’m just figuring this one out myself.
    I get around it by genuinely acknowledging it when he does something clever/nice/thoughtful/ and he in return goes on to do more of this which actually feels way nicer than being told I am good at something, essentially, trivial

  98.  #98Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Boomer remember Lori’s post. That guy was using money to attract her.

  99.  #99Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    FW, oh yes, I was a total rescuer. I fight for the underdog always. I see value in people no one else values. And it’s an admirable quality in a community activist, and a reasonable approach for a friend…but a *terrible* role for a lover/wife.

    I don’t do it anymore. Or at least I am very aware of my past pattern and my tendencies to rescue.

  100.  #100Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    Boomer, wow, interesting dynamic – with you being, in Rori’s parlance, the “man” in your marriages. I feel excited for you bc just bringing awareness to that will easily shift things for you! Hooray!

  101.  #101Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    FW, this enigmatic Lori seems to have all kinds of good stuff that applies to me…

    Lorrrriiiii, where are youuuu????

    What was the rich guy’s dealio???

  102.  #102Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Josie, very good point! Thank you! I think I’ve got it now! Woohoo!

  103.  #103Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    I too am a rescuer but I have learnt, very recently, to enable them to be the best they can, rather than me do all the work for them. I now encorage rather than rescue…it seems to work for me.

  104.  #104Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    P.s.I love your name – I love Josie in “Never Been Kissed.” 🙂

  105.  #105Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Thanks, but I have heheh :blush:

  106.  #106Josie on March 2, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    dammit, how do you use emoticons on here?

  107.  #107Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Wow. I suddenly feel very Vulnerable opening my heart back up to fb college guy in spite of my fear! I almost feel like crying. This is weird. Good weird, right?

  108.  #108Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I have a CC interview with an expert who says rescurers will attract slackers. I was a slacker with finances and was looking to be rescued. I have shifted my belief that I need to be rescued and am slowly moving towards cleaning up my bills.

    When I heard it, it felt like a slap across the face but I recognized myself.

  109.  #109Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    @68: Boomer says:
    “..I have been online dating for four years…”

    I became a little nervous reading this considering you are a smart, gorgeous gal and still relatively young. I’ve been hoping for a shorter campaign but I will be going at it with full armor, prepping now and have warroom set up… 😆 I am thinking now I will commit myself to having a life long campaign… until…

    I am not the googly kootchie koo type, another obstacle it seems.


  110.  #110Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    RE 107 Lucy I understand from John Gray that fears and doubts naturally comes up in either Stage 2 or 3 of dating. CC says one has to work through those to become comfortable in moving forward. Everyone has them aparently.

  111.  #111Ella on March 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I like being playful.

    For me it is like being coy and giggly and playing.

    For me personally this connects me to my man.

  112.  #112Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    well…it’s taken awhile to catch up on all the posts today!

    it feels a little overwhelming to read everything and then go back and write and respond too… especially if there’s so much that resonates!! 🙂

    like i understand Boomer and Alonka with the whole achievements thing and still being an attractive “whole package” kind of deal…

    i’ve still been able to keep my feminine side while “doing” all that…my mom is the ultimate siren/girly girl who is an absolute homemaker “go getter”…

    but i’m not like her that way..i’m super athletic and my job is very masculine and I work with mostly men and i’m the girliest girl that does this job as far as i know and men are often very surprised i do what i do…they say “i never would have’re so girly and little”

    but when i was 20 i had a male coworker (a different job) say that he likes his women to be really girly and the things they’ve done don’t really attract him…i’ve always remembered that…

  113.  #113Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    I have such a knot in my stomach… last 2 days..tight/tense..It feels lonely…sad.. like I’ll be alone forever..

    I was listening to the Tools today at the gym and RR says what if not? What if love will come and quickly? So all day I ask… what if? What if it’ll be here this weekend … well love? I’m surrounded by love… so let’s be specific..

    The love of my Mr Right…can’t look for a specific situation right? just a feeling…

    I’ve had that feeling… the being enveloped in love for months.. I tell myself “blessed are those that don’t see and yet believe” … but really? Seriously? I don’t feel blessed by that feeling anymore… I feel mocked…I feel stupid… see stupid WTF? There is no one .. correction no good/wonderful man loving you…You just have heart burn, or a rash, or restless leg syndrome of the torso…That warm loved feeling is nothing…

    You are alone. period…and you’re gonna stay that way unless you settle for some old ugly man who will not see your light.. your gifts…

    I confess to being impatient…
    But this knot… this lonely lonely knot… I speak to it.. I change the channel/count my blessings/focus on the present.. and can escape for MAYBE 15 seconds…

    I need big hairy angels myself right now… I’d take a Michael big time…

    This is the only place I can say this… you are the only ones I can tell this to…

    Last pm I told my mom I’m done w/dating and men.. and I don’t even feel sad.. it kinda freaked her out.. she said I was sleep deprived (which I am)..

    LMCowboy called late… again.. I think he can’t go to sleep w/out hearing my voice.. I told him I freaked my mom out and that I was done w/men & dating.. He said “baby you’re just tired, lay your head here on my chest, throw a leg over my hip, and go to sleep in my arms”… but he’s not real… just a voice on the phone I don’t know if or when will ever come again..

    I need hope .. or else peace at giving up… I need this knot to go away…


  114.  #114Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    @72: Jacqueline says:
    “… Thinking of you!!
    ((())) cool it looks like massage or reiki hands!…”

    Thanks, I’m going with the flow. 😀

    It does! ((( ))) Here’s a massage right back at ya!


  115.  #115Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Boomer, I used to flaunt my fabulousity too, and wanted men to acknowledge it – until I realized it was bc my DAD’s attention usually came toward me when I was accomplishing something fabulous! I had learned that that’s the way to get “love.” But in reality, ultimately, the little girl in me wanted to be loved just for existing.

  116.  #116Ella on March 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Trying to keep my mind positive and choose mainly positive thoughts.

    It does help.

    Also, re-framing stuff in a psotive way, so choosing to believe the best ie: situation with B.

    I choose to believe that at the moment he has flowed out of my life because he is not ready for me. He brought me gifts and one day he might bring me more, but right now he has to go and do some of his own stuff.

    He doesn’t have ‘enough’ to worship me right now so he is making room for those who do.

    His addiction is not a personal dig or rejection of me.

    He does love me and he wanted me.

    I choose to beleive that things can work out for him and right now he is flowing out to make room for me to expand and open the space for new men and new things to flow in.

    These new things will be amazing.

  117.  #117Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    SLV…”googly kootchie koo” i love it 😉 nope you definitely don’t seem that way…too funny

  118.  #118Ella on March 2, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    I want to SHINE SHINE SHINE!

    I intend to SHINE SHINE SHINE.

    I intend to exercise regularly.

    I want to feel good and sexy in my body.

    I want to enjoy life and not rush around…

    I want to focus on a few good things.

  119.  #119Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    109 SLV – Let me qualify my four years. I did have a one-year relationship with a VERY fem-energy guy that ended about this time last year. For the two years before that, I was “just-playing” in a post-separation phase, in which I dated like a man, slept around like a glorious beer hall floozy, and “found myself.”

    I have only been earnest about finding my forever guy for about the last six months.

    Also, SLV, when I seer name, I do a double take because I see “Senor” lady Vibe, like a Spanish “Mr.” and I laugh at the juxtaposition of Senor and Lady. Hee.

  120.  #120Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    so after the deep conversation with pipeliner man last night i went to sleep feeling really vulnerable an empty?

    but this morning he called me at 530 am saying he really wanted to hear my morning voice because he’s addicted and that he feels bad for waking me up but he knows i’ll go right back to sleep…and that if I need anything during the day that I can call him…???? wow..ok..i like that 🙂

  121.  #121Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    RE 120 Jilly I guess it is appropriate to start saying “I have a problem can you help?” That should get him into fixing mode and feeling needed in your life.

  122.  #122Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    i like “…And then – you pay no attention to the voice in your head that says PLAN!”

    The voice that says “Do what you think will work. Do what you think he wants. Do what will get you….this!”

    i like that..i feel i can relax about things

  123.  #123Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Ella, 111, that is my experience as well.

  124.  #124Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    PG, hugs! <3

  125.  #125Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I feel so terrible about being such a doormat re: #65. Just can’t take my thoughts of it. Really, when will I learn how to stand up for myself;)

  126.  #126Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Thanks FW for all your thoughts and support!! it feels really good 🙂

    and to the previous post…

    i am committed to some things! lol thanks for that list!

    and also..i have been following his lead this whole 6 months…i think EMK teaches that?

  127.  #127Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Lucy, oh my, do I ever have DADDY ISSUES too.

    I kept achieving and achieving to get his (both my parents’) approval (it worked for my bothers), but I never did manage to get it. So what did I do? I KEPT achieving ever more and ever higher, and it just irritated my parents more.

    When I got into law school: “You watch too much L.A. LAW.” (I did not go)

    When I got into Law school the second time: “Why are you trying to be a man????”” (I STILL did not go)

    When I finally went to grad school: “You need to stay home with your husband and children!”

    Ya know, they are deceased now, and I feel all the appropriate “I miss you” stuff for them, but I also now forgive them. They were older parents and a different generation, and I “confuzzled” the hell out of them (wink to Cookie!) with all my achieving and striving and doing.

    But I love me now. I am FABULOSITY personified 😉 And I believe that wherever they are, the think so too. And THANK HEAVENS I never went to law school. I would have hated it; I know that now.

  128.  #128Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    RE 126 Welcome and congratulations.

  129.  #129Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    i just started my period and maybe i’m just feeling off?

    i’ve talked to two new CD’s today and another through text

    yay 🙂

  130.  #130Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Boomer are you the only girl amongst your siblings?

  131.  #131Daria on March 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Even if its not omnia accomplishments

    I find myself inwardly competing _ and outrward

    W my man aboit

    HowMuch game I have

    WhosMore attractive – jealousy games

    WhoKnows more aboit spirituality anf how to live

  132.  #132Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    awww…Alonka…you seem to be so hard on yourself 🙁

  133.  #133Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    FW 130

    No, I am the youngest of four by nine years. I have a femmy and “stupid” older sister and two semi-slacker brothers.

    My sister would get a “B” on her report card and it was “Oh, yay for Mary!” My brothers were football players (average), but my folks sent them to an expensive boy’s school and were ALWAYS at their games supporting them.

    I was straight-A’s and an elite athlete–and all they really wanted from me was to do well enough to meet a nice boy and move down the street and have babies and take care of them when they got old.

    And I say that, believe it or not, without too much judgment. I see them for what they were–older generation, conservative, Catholic, fearful for me, wanting to protect me from the “big bad world.” It was limiting then, but I chose them for a reason, I truly believe.

  134.  #134Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Daria..i do this too

    pipeliner man actually pointed it out to me last night

    i feel sad today…

    like i’m doing it all wrong and i might as well give up

    when a day ago i felt i had it all figured out



    men??? ;( 😉

    i feel over it

    i want to pull a “LUCY” and go to my woman cave 😉

    and lean back until i have my vibe back….

    what happened???

    I got thrown off my horse somehow…i feel lost and alone and irritated about the whole situation

    it feels good to write a little dramatically

    i am not available right now…please leave a message and i’ll get back to you (men) as soon as i feel like it…jk

    i feel amused a little now

  135.  #135Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    @119: Boomer says:
    “….I do a double take because I see “Senor” lady Vibe, like a Spanish “Mr.” and I laugh at the juxtaposition of Senor and Lady. Hee….”

    Hola! LOL 😆 That’s me getting in touch with my masculine side…


  136.  #136Daria on March 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    And non romantuc ironically ThiHow exciting my. Experiences are

    he says: one time, I had a great time st tinad vonvery

    Me: omg me too, no wait, listen to this…i Met her

    TIshis gteat guy friend bonding but thr other person fels slightly un received

    ItsExciting anf fun

  137.  #137Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 1:38 pm


    Thanks;) Ok, the flip side is that I’m sincere, don’t know how to play the game and don’t strike back right away. And I guess I’m learning how to behave in these situations so that next time someone talks to me this way I have a thicker skin for them..

  138.  #138Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Your place in the family though explains why you were always competing. Last of 4 struggling to be seen I imagine also. I think sibling rivalry is a hell of a thing to get over, especially when parents show favoritism. I have my story that I have posted already but I was the second child. By the time I got here my father wanted a boy, plus I was the only one who did not have that special physical characteristic he had so I was basically rejected.

  139.  #139Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    RE 134 Jilly men do expect/want perfect women.

  140.  #140Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Boomer – I know you said you were a technical writer – I’m doing a feedback thing on something for Innerbonding and would love to get your input – if you feel like contributing would you please email me @ – and all the other Grammar Girls, too of course!


  141.  #141Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Haha, Boomer, I was an almost-law student too! And also now know I woulda hated it. 🙂 I still love watching those female ADA’s on Law and Order SVU though!

  142.  #142Daria on March 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    When I’m in beta receive mode…water annel toward me.. I dont jump to impress

    II’mnstead thinkinh hes giving to me sharing abput himself…how fo I feel receiving this?

  143.  #143tinque on March 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    “change my thought about it then my feeling (fear) will change?”

    Yes Lucy, this is how it works. Change the thought, change the feeling.


  144.  #144Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Thank you for the hug Lucy… I need it…

  145.  #145Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    RE 139 ERROR JILLY Men do not want perfect women.

  146.  #146Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    @113: Prairie Girl says:
    “…I need hope .. or else peace at giving up… I need this knot to go away…”

    I think I have mentioned this to you once before…maybe…or perhaps I’ve only thought of it when you post. But here it is…once again?

    If having the relationship I wanted were a high priority in life, I’d move to greener pastures, cowgirl. 😀

    As you described, it seems to me the pickings in your local area are less than slim, they are skeletal!

    Relocate! We only get one life on this planet. Make it easy on yourself. Where’s your nearest big city? If you want to catch a fish you must be where they are available. Imaginary relationships can be fun sometimes but I think they are not what you really want.



  147.  #147Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    RE 142 Daria to the rescue as usual. Great analogy, hope Boomer gets it. Thanks.

  148.  #148Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 1:51 pm


    Question: I feel that you never comment on my posts even when I address them to you. Is it a coincidence? I don’t mean that you have to, asking because I’m curious.

  149.  #149Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    @125: Alonka

    I don’t think you are a doormat. You are not a doormat. You only leaned forward at bit and in a kind and polite way; we’ve all done that. That doesn’t make you a doormat.

    You are fabulous and will eventually meet the man who appreciates and deserves you. Be happy the others have eliminated themselves from the competition.


  150.  #150Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Jilly, thanks to Daria, here’s my current take on my Lucy-cave…. I stand beside the ocean cave, gazing at the man who just came toward me, the breeze blowing my long hair and white dress, I feel overwhelmed and afraid… I turn and drift toward the cave entrance, glancing back at him over my shoulder, enter the quiet darkness of the cave, sit on a rock and feel my feelings, turning over glimmery seashells in my hand and feeling curious about them, confident that the man is

  151.  #151Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    SLV I just relocated here… I have 2 small children (6&8), one w/special needs and the schools/work here is why I came…

    Where I came from was even WORSE (more remote) believe it or not…I used to say that w/out online dating the only way I’d meet a man (not that I actually met any in person) would be if they fell from the sky in a parachuting accident… and then he wouldn’t be my type, I don’t like that kinda thing…

    I hear what you’re saying but I hate the city.. I want a country boy as I’m a country girl… I want to live in the country…

    My cousin says “God is big enough to bring your man across your path” and while I can nod and say “yes amen, preach it sister” the knot in my gut proves I do not believe…

    I am lonely… That I maybe could change if I quit my work…but I came here for the work, it lets me be basically a stay at home mom and be there for my daughter…my work is one way I’ve been really blessed here.. it’s all fallen in my lap by my just showing up…

    Everything in my life.. where I live, the house, work, school has fallen in place…I see solid ground appearing where only thin air was before…

    Except this area… my love life… I feel like I just need to give up and let it go…like maybe that will get rid of the knot…

    With this knot so tight I can’t even reach out to other women, or go to coffee, or something… I just feel too close to going to my knees in grief…

    And I’m not even hormonal at the moment… sigh.

    Thank you for responding… Thank you for caring..

  152.  #152Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    RE 148 I have stopped because I get the sense I can’t get through to you so why I feel why bother. You ask but you don’t want it. That is reflected, in opinion, in the followup arguments and questions. Not accepting influence is one of the things John Gottman gives as a reason emotional connection dissipates in relationships. I hope however that someone else will resonate with you. This might come across as a need to be right but from my perspective it is not. I recognize myself as being belligerent in the past and I don’t want to continue that. It is just my way of respecting people’s personal choice and accepting no for an answer.

  153.  #153Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @115 Lucy —

    Holy Nail Right on the Head, Girl!

    You’re right. My dad didn’t want me. He said so often. There’s a whole long story about how he didn’t want another kid, and certainly not a GIRL. They used to tell me that all the time.

    But — I did get his attention being Valedictorian and winning State repeatedly…… a-ha!

    You’re right. It’s how I got my DAD to love me. But, all I really wanted was to be loved.

    It’s what I still want.


  154.  #154Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    waiting patiently for me, dipping his toes in the seafoam and looking toward the horizon knowing he will feel and hear the presence of the goddess when she emerges from her cave.

  155.  #155Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Relationship Tip of the Week – Gay Hendricks

    Essence Practice for Singles and Partners

    Breathe gently and easily into your belly. Let yourself rest after the out breath until your body is ready to take another in breath, then ride the breath all the way in and out. Tune in to some place in your body that is calling, and when breath comes breathe into that place. On the out breath let go in that place, just release as you breathe out. Pause again after each out breath until your body is ready to breathe again, then breathe into any place that needs attention. Continue for two minutes.

    Focus on a warm glow in your chest. Let your awareness rest gently on the warm glow and keep returning to it. Nurture and be with the warm glow until you feel it more prominently. Close your eyes and get in touch with your own source of light. Be with that and appreciate yourself for being your own source of love and light.

  156.  #156Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 2:05 pm


    #152: Thanks for answering. I need to run to my class now so will be brief. Basically I was not arguing with you and definitely was not saying no to you. I accept influence, I just can’t ‘believe’, I need to ‘know’. So if someone has some theory I’d ask questions to see its scope i.e. as to what kind of situations it covers and how it treats this or that issue. It’s not confrontational, it’s curiosity and an attempt to understand.


    #149: Thank you, that is very kind;)

  157.  #157Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    SLV I don’t sense Alonka to be a doormat either. She said she “deserved” something early and I suspect it shows up in her vibe as a demand. She has a tendency of finding loopholes in arguments which IMHO is a very logical way of thinking not feeling. This is what men do. Doing this IMHO could come across as “your thinking is flawed”. The fact that she has demonstrated this here, I “assume” she does that in all her relationships and I have learnt from Rori that men don’t like it. It is innocuous to us is what she says but guys experience it as disrrespect.

    Do you remember she said she had returned his gift? Either yesterday or today if I remember clearly there was a post from her asking again if she should send the gift to him with something intimate he left at her house. If I am incorrect Alonka please correct me.

  158.  #158Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Hi, Alonka – just a shoutout and I haven’t commented either but it’s not cuz I don’t love ya; it’s just because it seems like you are working through your issues in a very good way and I don’t have a lot of Rori feedback to add. I support you in everything you want and do – and actually I do have one thing – I’ve read a bunch of stuff about getting rid of things “exes” give us – so if returning the present felt good to you – I would. Or at least I’d pass it on…

    And I’ve noticed no one’s commenting on my posts too….well, except SLV. Sometimes I feel like if I share my triumphs or fab experiences here I am no received well. Better to commisserate in misery –

    but that feels bad.

    And hey! Mercedes!!

    I had a great insight – you and I are feelers and thinkers – and obviously everyone really kind of has to be.

    But Rori’s work is feeling based, so all her posts are as well. It’s like when I visited my cousin at his barbque place yesterday, he’s developed a method with timing etc. for cooking so that every time you visit his place you get the “same” dish…consistency making satisfied customers.

    I think it’s the same with Rori – I’ve come too expect consistency in the message, but to hope for an enjoy difference in discourse in discussing it!



  159.  #159Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    RE 156 Alonka “I am just curious” works in such situations and gives the message that the other person has a choice to or not to respond.

    I will also say that self perception is not always correct and until we can step away from ourselves and really observe ourselves we can’t really know how we are “presenting” until someone mirrors it back to us. I learnt that from a male boss. You might not think you are being confrontational but people can experience you that way. I know that personally so when people pull away from me now I wait for them to come towards me and then I try on another way of being. I have learnt this through making a lot of mistakes in the work environment but both the questioning and the lean forward body language. A kind male boss has taught me that and I am now learning to step away.

  160.  #160Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    FW 152. My daughter’s doctor said something very wise to me once that I will never forget. I had complained to doc that d was not listening to what I was saying about taking care of herself etc (an adolescent at the time)… and Dr. V said, “Oh, she is listening. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it is all going in, and she is seriously evaluating everything you say even if she seems to be rejcting it…. KEEP TALKING TO HER – she is listening.” And the years have proven this to be true. <3

  161.  #161Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Jacqueline I felt scared off the last time there was disagreement with someone, maybe Lucy. It felt like you were shouting at here and I have since avoided commenting on your posts though I love some of them, as I was afraid of being shouted at. It is my fear. I am also afraid of triggering people and being dismissed.

  162.  #162Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Lucy it is a fear I have while on this blog. I have also sensed that I have been sarcastically swiped at in the past but chose to ignore it because it was not direct. I am the type who has a lot of male friends because it is easier to deal with them. I have learnt however that the express some parts of our femininity we need to connect with females so I am trying. I have a lot of fears.

  163.  #163Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Also, imo, a wise advice-giver recognizes that she/he is not always “right” in her/his advice and opinions regarding another person’s life, and therefore trusts that the person will receive what she needs, whatever the source. We give what we have, and trust God with the outcome.

  164.  #164Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    RE 163 True.

  165.  #165Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Doesn’t it becoming draining after a while if you keep giving and giving and there is no sense of the person receiving? For me it does. It is not a matter of right or wrong. It is respecting their right to say no thank you.

  166.  #166Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    @141: Lucy says:
    “…Haha, Boomer, I was an almost-law student too! And also now know I woulda hated it. I still love watching those female ADA’s on Law and Order SVU though!…”

    I think both of you would have loved it. Law school provides good mental training and writing skills. I was in law school while my father was very ill with cancer. The nurses would let me stay all night in the hospital. I sat next to my father and studied and briefed cases for classes the next day. I dropped out of law school and never returned to complete my last year.

    I also worked as law assistant during second year summer break. I worked on a huge case and spent days, days! piling through discovery documents and composing deposition interrogatories. After that experience I don’t regret returning to law school.

    But there’s still the thrill of being around like-minded people discussing cases. And there’s always a sense of competition in the air and the intellectual fun of arguing both sides of cases.

    I won my moot court case too! That’s when you write and then orally present an appeal in front of three judges, a debate really but the judges question you and they are difficult. My case was kind of hard because there wasn’t much case law and I had to research congressional proceedings. That was in the olden days in the 1970s when students had to look through the actual documents.. OMG!


  167.  #167Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Feminewoman – Hi! There’s a lot of history on the blog – I actually miss a rabble rouser named Erika who sent out the coolest eletter yesterday, but months and months ago we’d have “lava fests” which were really direct and in your face…. and my practice of just let me be, please came from that.

    Well, and there was a very polarizing post Rori made of my story, too which resulted in way too much debate, but strengthened my resolve to be my own person here.

    I too try and avoid commenting on situations where I know the person just comes from a different place than I do and won’t “hear” it or get much out of it.

    You post so much that is so interesting – well, the CC stuff is so long. heeee….- but not so much that is self referential. I feel that I don’t know your story, but I do totally feel the wisdom in your comments, esp. when they are insights about what someone has posted about. You are interesting!

    And I feel even when two sirens disagree, have totally different grounds of being, common ground can be reached, or peaceful co-existance. I couldn’t be here if I didn’t.

    It would feel good to think that even if I shouted something, everyone would still love me…heee….

    and that I am welcome to have my strong opinions and still be included.

    I don’t want to have to dilute, dumb down or change the way I speak – that doesn’t mean that I don’t benefit from Rori’s wisdom, tools and teachings. I think I have shown myself to be very much in her corner wishing her success and even acting in her favor – like on Amazon.

    So…just a little history of why I might seem to shout sometimes….

    and I do welcome your comments!


  168.  #168Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    #155 FW
    I love that thank you… I’m practicing it now.

  169.  #169Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Aww, FW, sending love to your fears. I understand. Yes, I too used to feel drained by giving and giving “untaken” advice – until I heard and believed Dr. V – and learned to give while trusting God for the outcome. It feels very freeing to be able to give and trust that it doesn’t depend on me to “get through to her/him.” There’s no drain at all when you can give and let go. <3

  170.  #170Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    @151: Prairie Girl says:
    “…I hear what you’re saying but I hate the city.. I want a country boy as I’m a country girl… I want to live in the country…
    …With this knot so tight I can’t even reach out to other women, or go to coffee, or something… I just feel too close to going to my knees in grief…… Thank you for caring…”

    Yes, I do care. You are so full of life, fun, sexy and ready for a good relationship.

    I understand about the city vs country thing. I confess, I am a city girl but I like a special kind of city. I like city with green stuff around like being in the country. Kind of a contradiction I know. I can also be a hermit and stay inside for days with only quicky trips to the deli but I absolutely most know that anything I want is always available to me: cinemas, shops of all kinds, restaurants, theater, museums, events, events, events!

    I live in a large city but also next to a forest and many, many parks all within minutes…so that’s my happiness with location; I would not be as happy in other parts of this same city.

    One thing about the good ole U.S. of A. “country” is usually only an hour away from cities. So, just a suggestion, spend some time brainstorming and exploring to see if there are alternatives to your present situation. There could be. I’m thinking…Texas?


  171.  #171Daria on March 2, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Daria – remember the waterwheel

    waterwheel towards me

    and focusing on the good feeling parts of my life

    inflating them and they heal the rest

    becoming more whole

    not rejecting the germs

    embracing and transforming the germs

    into a symbiotic healthy relationship

  172.  #172Daria on March 2, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    i know someone who wrote on the blog – who went to a prestigious law school and

    talked about how it trained them to live in a way that did not feel good

    they had to now untrain themselves

    i feel tightened up thinking about it

    i feel good thinking about “Using” the training without letting it “get to me” and change me in ways that don’t serve me –

    “using” it with awareness – like masculine energy

  173.  #173Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    #170 SLV

    That’s funny.. my very first post on this blog I said something about being remote and the “not going to men” thing not seeming really feasible… At least go 1/2 way…

    Rori addressed that post and said yeah it’s hard… but no specific answer to it I guess…

    I’ve just kinda drawn a line in the sand saying come to me.. at least the first time..then I’ll consider coming to see you…

    Yeah there are cities Witchita is 1.5 hrs, Oklahoma City is 2.5 hrs…One guy in OKC wanted to drive to see me, would pay for a babysitter for my kids.. very interested in my work. Was on the outter edge of my age range 58 and I’m 46.. not very attractive, but I wanted to give him a fair chance… I talked to him for more than an hour on the phone…and the whole conversation he was very nice but it felt like trying to tell my why he’s right for me… Not WHO he is…I wanted to poke myself in the eye…

    I’m over tired…. I gotta set a boundary on the phone calls w/LMCowboy… I don’t hear from him all day until he calls late at pm… new trend the past 2 days.. for the past week though he calls 2-3 times a day with the last at bed time but lasting hours… so I’m very very sleep deprived…I’m sure the world is not in good focus at the moment.

    I keep trying to convince myself of this…
    “Just because he was the best that’s ever passed by, doesn’t mean he’s the best that ever WILL pass by.. or stay”..

    I just wished I believed it… It was hard to believe I’d get my most heart felt miracle once, much less twice…

    Oh ye of little faith… I know…


  174.  #174Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    FW re last thread re Bob Grant Beware of the Man with a Temper – the non-violent extreme reactions

    Thank you so much for posting this. It was EXACTLY what he was and I could never understand why he did this. Now I know it was to protect himself at all costs. It makes total sense given his childhood.

    It has changed my whole vibe re the breakup. I now understand what on earth was going on. It has made it so much easier to move on since I read this. Thank you again.

  175.  #175Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    @157: Femininewoman says:

    “..Either yesterday or today if I remember clearly there was a post from her asking again if she should send the gift to him with something intimate he left at her house. If I am incorrect Alonka please correct me….”

    I think I’m talking about Alonka while she’s not here and I don’t mean anything disrespectful by it. Yes, FW I saw that too but I was way behind in reading posts, had to leave and thought someone would address it.

    My thought was not to return things unless guy called and asked for them and not to send any gifts!!! I thought the Valentine Day gift had been returned to store; maybe I misunderstood. I had earlier urged Alonka to return it and buy something for herself; I hope she did.

    I think Alonka has made strides forward. It’s difficult when there is a chemical hormone bond with a guy. Yes, don’t I know it!!! I hope I can encourage her to stay on her horse and keep moving forward. Sometimes the moving forward is kind of zig zag.

    FW, I know what you mean about discontinuing responses. I do that when I see person is on another course regardless of what I post and I have nothing more to add. You are very helpful in passing along ideas and tips. You know more about dating and put it out there better than I do. I believe Alonka is paying attention to what you are posting.


  176.  #176Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    @158: Jacqueline

    I’m still waiting for you to rock an online dating how-to Q&A. “Everything you need to know about online dating, but were afraid to ask..”

    To show my good faith tomorrow I will start writing out some questions. I know you have answered some things but I’ll still put them in for people who have joined blog since then.

    But this could be a case of not knowing what questions to ask! I’ll work toward being specific.

    P.S. How’s your tummy? 😆


  177.  #177Ella on March 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Pg re 151,

    It sounds like you are stuck with your vibe.

    You, like me, maybe have some limiting beliefs which are undercurrents that affect your ability to pull in what you want? One of them is that you will never meet a man where you are.

    It also sounds like there is a well of unexpressed feelings in you right now.

    You said you are almost falling to your knees with grief. Have you tried using Rori’s fall to the floor tool? I find it really helps me when I am feeling over heavy and burdened with emotion.

    Also Daria has pointed me to some tapping (which I never believed in before I tried it) which seems to really help me shift my energy when stuck.

    I also live in a fairly remote area with a fairly small pool of men. However I am choosing to believe that it is not about that.

    It is about me and my vibe. Once these are lifted, always improving (even though it will fluctuate) then I will exude energy and magnetically attract the things I want.

    It is like self fulfilling phrophecy and the law of attraction… and when my vibe is raised I will have the energy to get out and see others, and have a life that feels great, which will in turn raise my vibe more.

    Maybe other women will lead me to new men.

    How does that feel to you?


  178.  #178Ella on March 2, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Feeling ok and little tinges of sad undercurrent and missing.

    But keep the positive thoughts Ella.

    Flip it, flip it, cus that is the only way to make things really good.

    And when I flip it things get a chance to be sunny, and light filled. This raises the vibe of the universe and sends out positive vibes.

    People feel this. It can only help and improve.

    Love my positive vibe.

    Wanna keep it.

    But be real too.

  179.  #179Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I’m still horny.

    I had sex w M. Basically all night Monday night (I love having a 34 yo lover), and I’m still totally horny.

    Insatiable? Yup!

    This is why most of my relationships have been highly sexual. Not so easy now that we both have kids….

    Lusty Lisi

  180.  #180Ella on March 2, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Oh, have had some urges to go on FB and go on Mr B page. Resisted so far.

    I just feel sad to think that my connection to him might be completely severed for ever.

    But in truth why would that be the case?

    That pretty much never happens.

    They always come back… and again… until it feels ok to me (like I know they really have nothing for me and I feel at peace and don’t care if they leave).

    Men are like rivers flowing in and out of my life.

    If I keep my Siren vibe high more will come to worship. And love me.

    Truth is I do feel sad that he cannot worship me right now…

    But is ok… stay, strong positive vibe to make the best out of situation.

    That is how we bring light.

    It is the turn of others to worship me right now.

    I cannot control every outcome.

    But I can vote with my feet (I LOVE that saying – always makes me smile).

    And I can make my corner of the universe amazing. This is how I affect the world!

    Yes. This is how I will affect it.

  181.  #181Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Hey, SLV – gotta do corporate chair massage tomorrow, but shoot yeah, I’ll do my best with questions!

    Daria, Hi, that’s what the eletter was the law school student/lawyer who no longer practices overhead another lawyer talking about how entrenched and stuck she was….and she told her about transforming and trusting and allowing from the universe. It was cool and she said it was like synchronicity and giving back. Just sounded very enlightened – I liked it and liked knowing she was fine!

    I’ve been studying Innerbonding too -thank you, I love it!

    Gone for now yall, everyone take care,


  182.  #182Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Prariegirl – I live a long ways out too, by the water – and it made sustainable relationships a bit harder, but the first date? No one ever balked at coming to me, even if it was an hour and half. I think other sirens have experienced that too. I just didn’t have the time to do anything more than a meet and greet and didn’t want to set a precident – ha! now I know it was very siren-y….lol…

    It can be done – and you can do it!!!

  183.  #183Jacqueline on March 2, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Oh, SLV – When I hurt my arm I comforted myself with candy and cake and icepacks and laying around! ack…and my tummy went pop! but now I’m back on track and it’s flattening; not a real weight loss but a definite re-shaping, I love it when I curve in under my bra….and even more when I curve in at the waist!

    Thank you!

  184.  #184Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Lucy…thanks for the visualization! I love it!…it feels mysterious and sensual and seeing myself this way definitely will help my vibe while going “away to the cave” lol

    FW: yes..thanks for that “men do not want perfect women”…this feels relaxing…i don’t have to do it “right”

    i am going to write some tools out (visualizations) for me to remember to do everyday just to get started on the right foot in the morning…quick ones…

    Lisi…umm..YEP! lol I hear ya 😉

  185.  #185Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    #173: Prairie Girl says:
    “…I keep trying to convince myself of this…
    “Just because he was the best that’s ever passed by, doesn’t mean he’s the best that ever WILL pass by.. or stay”..,”

    Wise words.

    Two hours seems workable. Perfect for a brunch/early afternoon date. Even better if guy could take a train and not have to drive.

    Maybe you could try those two free dating sites I posted to Brenda. I’d never heard of them and I was kind of curious.

    — HowAboutWe
    — Mingle2

    PG, do you think you might feel a little more “up energy” with fewer long late night phone calls…unless guy is making some plans to see you. I suspect if he is not, there might be a just below conscious level of annoyance and wearing on the spirit hearing flirty love talk while at the same time listening to him talk about boinking someone else. Just my opinion and how it would affect me.



  186.  #186Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    haha Mr Engineer writes to me to say ‘ there are two things that I didn’t mention in my profile’ he mentions one only then says ‘there are no more skeletons in my closet’

    Er now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop – it’s like a suspense novel, I feel confused. I want to know what the other thing is.

  187.  #187Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    PG…SLV said

    PG, do you think you might feel a little more “up energy” with fewer long late night phone calls…unless guy is making some plans to see you. I suspect if he is not, there might be a just below conscious level of annoyance and wearing on the spirit hearing flirty love talk while at the same time listening to him talk about boinking someone else. Just my opinion and how it would affect me.



    I agree with this…listening to him talk about having sex with and seeing other women…that doesn’t feel good

  188.  #188Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Lol Eternity. I hate suspense! I can’t watch a suspenseful movie until my kids watch it first and tell me everything that happens – then I enjoy it. lol.

  189.  #189Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    bhahaha the femenergy guys are killing me today

    Mr I’mnowussy wrote to me and said “my skin is lovely and so soft, it feels so good’

    er shouldnt that be my line buddy?

    sigh onward we go

  190.  #190Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    *blinking my eyes as they adjust to the light outside my cave… yawning, stretching arms high over my head, smiling contentedly… ready to take a peek again at fb college guy’s texts and listen to my heart’s response…*

  191.  #191Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    @186: Eternity says:
    “…‘ there are two things that I didn’t mention in my profile’ he mentions one only then says ‘there are no more skeletons in my closet’…”

    That’s funny. Do you think it was intentional? Is he the witty sort? That is a giggle.


  192.  #192Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Eternity, seriously??? wow….

  193.  #193Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    @189: Eternity says:
    “… said “my skin is lovely and so soft, it feels so good’
    er shouldnt that be my line buddy?…”

    I’m loving your happy spirit today. You’re getting little gifts of joy from the Universe.


  194.  #194luzydel on March 2, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    This morning I woke up thinking that I am going to leave things alone, what gets me frustrated is trying to do things and seeing no results, so I am not doing anything 🙂 .

    Then I got a txt from D, he misses me, I am his baby, he is worried I work too hard etc. Mmmm, how did that happened? I though he needed space lol.

    I just responded candidly to his txts and now I am just here resting after a Chinese take out dinner, too tired to cook and I need a break.

    Just like the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”…il piacere di non fare niente…The pleasure of doing nothing 🙂

  195.  #195Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    @190: Lucy says:
    “…*blinking my eyes as they adjust to the light outside my cave..”

    I flipped through “Men mars, women venus” book on weekend. It says men retreat to cave and women go into “well.” What kind of “well” I don’t know. I hope they don’t drown. Or maybe it’s a dry well. Do you know anything about that? I bet FW knows.

    I haven’t read the book. It’s a library book so I guess I’d better get to it.


  196.  #196opening up on March 2, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    hi lovely sirens! i Luuuuuv this blog – just makes me feel so happy to have this forum 🙂

    i’m reading Lucy #115 and Lisi and Boomer and feeling stunned, amazed, wowed to see my experience reflected back to me – I have been going to a counselor for the past 6 months about career stuff, and it all has boiled down to the fact that I have striven for achievements in order to get attention and love from my dad. i never even wanted a relationship until recently, i was so focused on ‘doing’ something spectacular so that i’d be loved. wowowowow. not anymore!!! i’m doing odd jobs and NOTHING remotely impressive, and i’m happier than i’ve ever been! Rori is a BIG help in getting me to relax and lean back and experience what it is to love myself in my being… and guys seem to like it best too 🙂 🙂

    feel h a p p y …..

  197.  #197Ella on March 2, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I got the Toxic Men programme.


    Its really good.

    I am going to write about my stranger soon.

    So far I know she is a raging alcoholic. She is very selfish. She lives in a run down, sinking house in a swamp of despair.

    She has grey hair and she looks a bit mad.

    She is desperate and lonely. She is out of shape.

    She wasted her life taking drugs and being irresponsible, and now she has no-one.

    She is also carefree sometimes and will madly laugh for no apparent reason.

    She is angry and throws her empty booze bottles. She is slack and hectic all at once.

    She has wasted her life.

    She has wild hair and she is always carrying a half empty bottle. She has wild, frantic eyes.

    And I love her.

  198.  #198opening up on March 2, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    but also i need some help. I’ve been CDing and right before my bday I met a guy who is strongly pursuing me. we have a lot of compatibility, and he tells me he wants to be with me exclusively, and he treats me better than anyone ever has.

    i feel a little overwhelmed and want to keep CDing, but he feels unhappy with that and says he’s not sure if he can continue to open up if he knows i’m dating other guys.

    i feel unhappy about this because i just want to take it at an easy pace, and i feel panicked at the idea of being exclusive – i don’t know if I like him enough to be exclusive. He told me yesterday he’s falling in love with me. I’m scared of falling in love with him. I have a pattern of distancing and cutting things off. I don’t want to do that, but I also need SPACE. My main hesitation with him is that he’s physically not as cute or hot as I’d wish. But everything else is pretty amazing – his character, how he treats me, our chemistry… I wonder if he’s ‘the one’ and then feel overwhelmed and confused. Any insights?? I feel so grateful for this blog!

  199.  #199Daria on March 2, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    i am so grateful to me

    I am still feeling moved

    i feel smily and happy inside

    and outside 🙂

  200.  #200tinque on March 2, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Eternity – “my skin is lovely and so soft, it feels so good” – Oh my…Yikes. I read this to K. I wish you could have seen the look on his face. Too funny.


  201.  #201Daria on March 2, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Jaqueline – happy to hear about inner bonding!

  202.  #202Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    @198: opening up says:
    “…i feel a little overwhelmed and want to keep CDing, but he feels unhappy with that..”

    Are you considering making yourself unhappy if it makes the guy happy? This is a guy that you don’t like well enough to stop socializing with all other men, a guy who is not all that attractive to you.

    I wouldn’t stop meeting other people. You could have sexual exclusivity with him and still meet other people; did you discuss this? I’m curious, what words did you use that caused objection? Did you say “CD?” Are you both understanding things in the same way?


  203.  #203tinque on March 2, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    opening up – First of all looks fade, so do your best to leave this one out of the equation. Enjoy him. If he’s the one, it will come clear to you in its time. Try to keep yourself as open and receptive as you can.


  204.  #204Daria on March 2, 2011 at 4:39 pm


    this post inspired me

    and my few days about being authentic

    and waterwheel in

    and so i did

    and i told mom i miss dad

    and i got on knees and cried on floor

    even when she came in

    and i hugged myself

    and eventually she thought to call him

    and he called back

    and i talked to him

    i NODDED and imagined waterhweel drenching me the whole time

    it was SOOO Much easier to hear him and NOT get triggered

    then i spoke from my feelings

    about deep stuff

    he said he’s scared about my newfound soul happiness

    that it can hurt others and its not realistic

    i said i believe in it

    i said im individualistic

    i said he inspired me

    i felt YESS!!!

    then i said NO!

    when he said my household contribution is 1%

    and that i never do – stuff i do regularly

    i said

    i don’t want to feel not seen

    you have a right to think this but this feels bad to me

    and i do not want to allow this and tolerate bieng brushed aside and not appreciated

    this does NOT feel good

    then i said

    im feeling put down

    then i said

    im feeling angry and am not able to hear you anymore… thank you for the conversation because it felt REALLY good to hear you and i feel closer to you now… and im going to pass the phone to mom, bye now

    and i did, even though he was still talking


    i feel loved

    i feel awed – by me

    i feel blessed

    i feel so joyous

  205.  #205Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    192 Lucy, yes sadly, that’s what he said

    I’m seriously missing Mr Texas who used to ride bulls and work construction while writing me beautiful love poems. I miss his southern ways and accent.

    Yikes fellas where are all the warrior poets down under?

  206.  #206Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    @205: Eternity says:
    “…I’m seriously missing Mr Texas who used to ride bulls and work construction while writing me beautiful love poems…”

    Riding bulls you say…hmmm, seems like a PG kind of guy. Does he have a brother?


  207.  #207Daria on March 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    i felt scared to express the joy so i did some more hugging and

    then sang

    eventually right now just also yelled woo hoo

  208.  #208Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    ok ok I feel better now, looking at Mr Texas on the horse. haha omg he can ride bulls so if anyone is going to fall off it will be me hehe. Off we go again fellas.

    Thank you SLV, I feel so blessed to have friends here. Gifts of joy and giggles are all around today.

    Laughing at being contacted by the same guy eight years later on this same dating site. haha he knows I’m all that 🙂 He held my hand in the restaurant back then and slowly turned my wrist over to see if the watch I was wearing was knock off or not. It was real just like me. I just smiled at him then. This time the bar is higher my friend. ty rori

  209.  #209Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    SLV – *looks around*… I don’t see any wells around here, only the cave I just came out of. Oh, here’s a well Inside me… “Spring up oh well, inside my soul; spring up oh well, and make me whole; spring up oh well, and give to me That life abundantly.” 🙂 I was part of a co-ed mars/venus study group years ago and the experiences of our group members did not support Gray’s theories. Maybe we were a group of weirdos. 🙂 I answered fb college guy, “I like gufetta. :)”

  210.  #210Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Actually I wrote “gufetta” – in quotes – meaning that I liked him callling me that. 🙂

  211.  #211Lin on March 2, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    i really don’t know what to do. I don’t have a friend that i can share my inner most thoughts or feelings. Unfortunately i have been obsessed emotionally about a man that i should not have. i tried different ways to cut off. More than half a year passed since he said he wanted different ways. Rori’s tools helped me a lot. I am still missing him soo much. i must be under a spell.
    this is the first time i spoke out and shared with other people.

  212.  #212Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Ella – love your wild woman/stranger description! Have you ever read “Women Who Run With the Wolves”? Bet you’d love it! Daria – where is your dad? Opening Up – I hear you! That is my main concern with fb college guy… I am very visually-oriented and aesthetic… and I don’t want to put either of us in a position where my needs in that area aren’t met.

  213.  #213Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Just wanted to post a quick response to thank all those who wrote to me. Jacqueline I was on the blog when Erika was here, just that I mostly did not post but back then I used to be MasculineWoman until Daria encouraged me to change. I understand what you are saying but I have accepted from CC that we change the way we interact depending on the context, I need to practice that. It also feels weird to me when people have said things in the past that felt like a pouting child that I had upset so I tend to withdraw if that happens. Maybe I am a pleaser in some ways? I guess I interact/intervene too much because I have a lot of information from different coaches since my pursuit started in 2009.

    RE 198 openingup if you feel overwhelmed you should say that and tell him you want to take things slowly until you feel safe enough to fully open up. If he is attracted to you it likely won’t diminish. I think as you read around the blog you will notice that guys tend to generally slow down their pursuit after sex.

  214.  #214Brenda on March 2, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Hi Lin,

    Welcome! This is a good place to spill your guts.

  215.  #215Lin on March 2, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    thank you so much Brenda.
    desperately need a shoulder that i can cry on and let out my frustration, hurt,struggle, shame, etc. I have kept all to myself. i thought i am going to get sick. I have been reading the blog and Rori’s book and newsletter, which are really helpful. But at times i feel i am going to burst if i don’t speak out!
    And i want to recontact him so much. i know i should not do this.
    Thanks for the blog.
    feel a bit better.
    A man who dumped once will dump twice even he comes back. do you believe so?
    i believe so.

  216.  #216Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    I am at work & for some reason my internet

  217.  #217Daria on March 2, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    thank you Daria for expressing yourself with your truth

    thank you for feeding me yummy quinoa and green bean casserole!

    thank you for heating up my quinoa… it felt so comforting

    thank you for making me a vegetable smoothie!

    i’ve been wanting one for so long!

    you are awesome!

    you really love me

    thank you!


  218.  #218Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    @209: Lucy says:
    “… I was part of a co-ed mars/venus study group years ago and the experiences of our group members did not support Gray’s theories…”

    I read two or three pages in the middle and my thought was if everyone goes off seeking solitude from time to time, why do the guys get the warm cave and the women get the cold, wet well. Or maybe he meant something else.

    I don’t know and can’t comment because I haven’t read the book or his definitions of “cave” and “well.” Gray’s theories might not apply to me either as I have been known to be “outside expectations.”


  219.  #219Daria on March 2, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Lin – you are breaking the spell!

    by speaking ouT!

    go girl! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  220.  #220Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    @208: Eternity says:
    “…I just smiled at him then. This time the bar is higher my friend. ty rori…”

    Eight years is a long time. Was there any spark at all then? Maybe he’s ready now… Could you check him out? Good practice anyway.


  221.  #221Daria on March 2, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Lin – and no, i don’t believe so at all

    one of the speakers at the Soulmate Summit that just passed, Carol Allen

    broke up with her man only to have him come back 4 years later and become her loving husband

    I choose to not believe anything that doesn’t feel good! – a tool I learned from Rori

    if it doesn’t feel good, the gem in it hasn’t yet been revealed

  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 5:50 pm


    –Oh, I see. The “well” is an internal one? If so, it’s not cold, rather moist and warm. That sounds better.


  223.  #223Brenda on March 2, 2011 at 5:53 pm


    RE: #215 – You said, “And i want to recontact him so much. i know i should not do this.”

    Me too.

  224.  #224Darling Ella on March 2, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Gosh such a great post…:) Thank you Rori from the bottom of my heart 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  225.  #225Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    177: Ella
    Thank you that is very good… I do go to the floor, but my vibe has been stuck…
    It feels good to know I’m not the only one remote..

    Jacqueline.. that’s great that you were doing it right all along and didn’t even think about it..

    Jilly & SLV
    You are absolutely right about the late nights… he’s on FB right now.. he comments on my page and I do the same, but he doesn’t IM me.. haven’t heard from him all day.. I’m turning off my ringer when I go to bed tonight..

    He doesn’t talk about other women unless I ask.. He builds me up like no man ever has… well, to be honest no one has ever just pointed out my strengths and “gifts” as he calls them the way he does… every time I talk to him.. He doesn’t understand how he can FEEL so much by just my voice, thinks I must be told that all the time… NEVER.. he says he feels special, soft, and melted when he talks to me..

    It’s been good for my ego.. When I wasn’t so tired I could be more leaned back and take it or leave it.. have more faith…

    I think I’m just so seriously tired of the online thing at the moment, as well as being physically tired that I’m having a hard time raising my own energy/vibe..

    I am so very grateful for all of your responses and the generosity of your wisdom…I don’t know what I’d do w/out you ….

    Angels on your bodies… lol.. now I think hairy every time I say it…

  226.  #226Darling Ella on March 2, 2011 at 5:58 pm


    u ROCK!!!…I can’t seem to keep up with all the awesome posts…I feel like a little girl that missed her homework 🙁

    Warm hugs,

  227.  #227Daria on March 2, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    what i realized from being around Getright man this past week – and how he reminded me of my dad – and then i somehow seemed to create a Guywho type of setup –

    is how MASCULINE AND LEAN FORWARD I behave underneath

    when i was feeling “under pressure” I just went super masculine – i wanted to hug him.. so much… i did a little bit

    And i was calling him,

    and… subtleties

    like my “i know better attitude”

    and how i FELT my energy waterwheeling towards him i felt stuck to even IMAGINE it going towards me

    how i was NOT expressing my in the moment feelings

    and how i DID express thoughts, and wanted to have last word… on discussing a music video, small CONSTANT things!



    this helped me so much!!

    i was able to start waterwheeling his energy towards me in my imagination

    i felt DRENCHED in an ocean of love


    i took my tools home – i decided not to go and hug my dad, which is what i practiced with getright and did Not feel good

    but instead, i felt my feelings and created this awesome sharing situation with my dad

    , i was able to LISTEN from Beta-mode

    from a naturally loved, waterwheeling to ME mode

    and i feel so glad and like I am open communication avenue with my dad


    this happens by me being FERTILE

    open, to whatever outcome,

    and speaking my truth

    i practiced speaking some of my truth to getright man

    i noticed how i had held back my appreciation – of his appearance – for example, to strategize on not making him think im into him

    this feeling for my truth has just got deeper for me

    my ability to HEAR someone, and RECEIVE

    has expanded

    i was able to hear and receive from my mom earlier too

  228.  #228Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    220 SLV

    MrSkinDeep and I both sparked, crashed and burned after a week of being together non-stop back then. I checked his profile out after he contacted me. He still has the same lies up there about his age, education and everything else. haha he is now younger than me by his profile – how does that happen?? guess he time travels too.

    He is a player. Fool me once and all that jazz. Sauntering past him, doing the 5 second stare to find a warrior poet for my forever.

  229.  #229Prairie Girl on March 2, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    @206 SLV
    “@205: Eternity says:
    “…I’m seriously missing Mr Texas who used to ride bulls and work construction while writing me beautiful love poems…”

    Riding bulls you say…hmmm, seems like a PG kind of guy. Does he have a brother?”

    LMAO, that’s what I was thinking!!!!! Too funny.

  230.  #230Darling Ella on March 2, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Daria 221:

    “I choose to not believe anything that doesn’t feel good! – a tool I learned from Rori

    if it doesn’t feel good, the gem in it hasn’t yet been revealed”….

    This speaks to me big time…because it is the truth…

    Gosh I have had some developments the past couple of days…good ones indeed…but, I feel cautious as in afraid of talking about it…cause maybe tomorrow it would all be ruined 🙁 I want to tap on this fear…:(

    Anybody else has those feelings?

    Warm hugs,

  231.  #231Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    i can say the truth!

    oh i feel unsure… i feel torn, on the one hand, i really want to hang out with you, because i super enjoy your company and it feels fun to be around you,

    and on the other hand, i feel kinda weird when you talk about having a girlfriend and i feel one sided in my desire for physical affection… and i’m not sure i want to be around you and get feelings of longingness triggered… i miss that closeness with you and want to be close to you like that again…

    AND… AND>>> AND>>>

    what do you think?

    nod nod nod look at eyeballs waterwheel towards me

  232.  #232Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Darling Ella – love to you

    I would love to have someone lead me through some tapping

    that would feel awesome

  233.  #233Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    oh i want to add to naturally say first

    oh i feel so happy to be asked and i feel good that you want to spend time with me…

  234.  #234Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    M called to say he’d left his syrup @ my house. I said, “your stirrup?” What about the rest of the saddle? You gonna ride me?

    I must be ovulating. I am WOMAN!


  235.  #235Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    something i would’ve “secretly” treasured before – that i get off on his asking me or any type of lean forward towards me

    now i want to Appreciate and share!

    i feel so good that you want to spend time with me… and i miss you… and i feel confused

    on one hand it feels fun with you and i super enjoy your company…

    and on the other hand i feel bad to hang out and dont want to feel like im the only one who wants more physical affection and closeness… i miss you and i miss being that way with you… and i don’t want to bring out bad feelings in me… and feel longing when im around you

    what do you think?

  236.  #236Darling Ella on March 2, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Ella #197:

    Yay!!! I feel so happy for you that you finally got the Toxic Men Program!!! I love it!!!

    Interesting again that we have a similar Stranger…mine is the Goddess Eris…i knew about her before I did the stranger exercise…the exercise just reaffirmed I wasn’t crazy…but to the contrary I now have the permission to embrace Eris…

    Eris has been protecting me…and really challenged me…:) She is the warrior, the wild Goddess within me…and I soooo love her 🙂

    Can’t wait to hear more about your own revelations 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  237.  #237Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    @228: Eternity says:
    “…He still has the same lies up there about his age, education and everything else. haha he is now younger than me by his profile – how does that happen??

    …guess he time travels too…”

    ROFLMAO. I guess you can toss this one back into the sea.

    I feel cheeful reading your posts today. I think you’ve got yourself back. And a wonderful self it is too.


  238.  #238kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Well, I’ve said my dude (let’s call him Adam) FINALLY made SOME kinda contact after 3 weeks. He put LIKE on my FB status update. Per LONEPLUM’S suggestion, I waited 2 days and put LIKE on one of his stat updates. It’s been a few days now and he hasn’t come forward with anything again.

    Your thoughts, Sirens? Thanx.

  239.  #239Darling Ella on March 2, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Daria 232:

    Really? I would feel honored to practice with you…I have a few that I ‘ve worked on…

    Warm hugs,

  240.  #240LD on March 2, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Feeling like being anonymous now but I’m sure some of you can figure out who I am.

    RichGuy texted me all day today and told me he can’t stop thinking about me after last night. I agreed to meet him for a quick drink before picking up my kids and when I met him, he told me he already told his parents, sister and best friend about me. He asked me how I’d feel about quitting my job and spending the summer in New York and other places he travels to on one of his yachts! He said he has never met a woman quite like me and doesn’t know what to do about it. He said I’m the first woman who has ever made him feel like he wasn’t sure if he was good enough for me!

    I have a lunch date with CEOGuy tomorrow and a dinner date with another hot and successful man. I have another guy calling me several times a day every day and 11yearsagoguy calling me every day trying to get me to find time to meet him for just one drink. I even feel pretty certain I gave a minister sexual fantasies about me today!!! : O (I didn’t do it on purpose, I SWEAR!!!) I’m rockstarring it out with every man I meet.

    EXCEPT J (IntenseChemistryGuy) who suddenly seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. I miss him. I feel sad. I feel confused about what happened. I wish I could feel like a rockstar with him, but I don’t. I feel insecure and unsirenlike. I feel MEH and BLEH!!!! : (

    I’ve been feeling this for a few days now and have been too busy working and CDing to allow myself to get into the feelings. And now I feel tired and overwhelmed. Tomorrow I plan to put on my big girl pants and rockstar it out again. But tonight I’m gonna take a hot bath with a glass of wine and allow myself to feel sad and disappointed about J. And cry if I feel like it. I’m pretty sure I feel like it…

    I wanted to post this to help some of the newer women realize that even after working the tools for over 2 years, it’s normal to have some setbacks. And even when you have total Rockstar days and weeks, there are situations that still make you sad and days when you feel injsecure and down on yourself and hopeless about relationships. I know it will pass, and to all of you who are pining over a toxic man or a relationship that didn’t work out-those bad feelings will pass too.

    HUGS to all of you out there tonight….

  241.  #241Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    i feel scared to lose you now that i hear you talking about having a girlfriend… and a baby

    i feel foolish to think that this whole time we were never dating so seriously as i’ve imagined

    i feel glad to think that this will transform you into a greater man – and i will be able to relate to you in an easier way

    i feel sad to think that i won’t be close to you soon


    i don’t want to lose your attention!

  242.  #242Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    oops i forgot to do “im all that” while writing

    lets try it again

    rrrring: getright: hey, what you doing you coming out?

    me: (fertile check.. im all that im the air you need to breathe check)

    ohh i feel good to have you call me… sure it would feel great to see you

    — mmmm okay i feel confused but that’s what came out!!!!

    shrugs and goes with it.. intuition knows best

  243.  #243Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    229 PG/SLV

    Oh how I wish he had a brother so I could send him your way!

  244.  #244Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    rringgetright: hey are you coming out?

    me: heyyy 🙂 i feel excited to get a call from you and that you want to see me… (OH NOW I REMEMBER>>. waterwheel)

    heyyy 🙂 🙂 🙂 i feel so good hearing from you! i feel really good that you want to see me baby… and the truth is… i want to see you i miss you.. and i feel weird about the gf thing… i feel a longing to be close to you, to be kissed and be in your arms… and i get to feeling that way around you…

    so i feel confused…
    what do you think?


    and it felt kinda weird the last few times around you i felt that longing and it feels one sided… and i dont want to put myself through that… i miss being pyshically close to you hecka much!

    i dont want to hide it… i feel kinda weird.. like both good and bad hearing you talk about a gf

    like on one hand, i feel glad thinking that this will help you grow and we may even relate Better later on

    and on the othe hand, i don’t want to lose your attention!

    i feel left behind and it feels bad 🙁

    i feel unsure whether i want to be around you and trigger myself…

    what do you t hink?

  245.  #245Tania Kay on March 2, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    This post is perfect for me today!
    i txt my love to say he had forgotten his lunch..
    He responded with F**k
    I feel so dis respected when he talks like that.
    I responded That doesn’t feel nice.
    He said.. Can u clean out the fridge it is a mess..
    Instantly i felt blamed and angry… I wanted to respond with my feelings but i knew they were only coming from anger, so i didn’t.
    I had a kids art class starting so i decided to do nothing and breath..
    In class instead of teaching the kids i sat in amongst
    them and painted the same simple way they did..
    I relaxed, breathed , laughed, then i read this post and feel so happy i waited to respond.
    I know how i feel now and will be able to express it simply and non confrontational this afternoon.. i also took the time to realize how disappointed he was at forgetting his lunch.
    I release all expectation of a result and will simple say how it made me feel and that i don’t like it. end of conversation. It is not for me to worry about how that makes him feel. He knows when he acts nasty, no need for me to harp on about it…
    I am a siren, i sing , i paint , i breath, and i breeze past him with with love and just being . :0)

  246.  #246Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    @240: LD

    Thanks, LD that was inspiring.

    There is not a straight upward path in “recovering.” Sad feelings come and go in waves; sometimes there are flashbacks. Once in a while our horses zig zag on the path to happily ever after.


  247.  #247Darling Ella on March 2, 2011 at 6:28 pm


    …I sure followed u amazing story 🙂 Wow…I feel so happy for you and sure proud…So, what did you tell him? How would it feel to quit working and going on a cruise for a change????

    Warm hugs,

  248.  #248Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    omgosh it feels so good that you ask meand want to see me

    and the truth is i really DO want to see you and miss you and i Do feel bad about this gf thing it makes me feel removed from you

    and i don’t want to feel like im the only one of us that wants to be close physically… and feel blocked off from that and longing for you

    what do you think

  249.  #249kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Since my flight to Siren Island, I’ve learned the gift of focussing on ME. In the past month, I’ve created career abundance, creativity, and my best friend/biz partner and I have almost everything on our Half Way to 2012 List checked off, including fitness and looking fabulous.

    HOWEVER, said best friend complains that I’ve been making this happen BECAUSE I read RR. He’s aware of RR’s explaining we should focus on ourselves and totally agrees with it. BUT HIS ARGUMENT is that I’m only doing it as a lean back in the universe to ATTRACT Adam back to me.

    Ok, I admit, it started out that way. But I truly am feeling more accomplished and valuable these days. FOR ME. That is paramount to Adam stepping up and claiming me again. I know this. I feel this.

    So, WHY do I still feel sad about him constantly? Why do I still feel him deep in my bones?

    I cried again today then felt triggered by what my best friend said. That made me feel so guilty for missing him and thinking about him. I tried FEELING the guilt out. It was my first time I’d ever felt guilty missing him. I felt WEAK. I didn’t feel better at all.


  250.  #250LD on March 2, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Thanks SLV,

    I’m trying so hard to let go of the desire for closure with J. I just keep telling myself “if he’s not in front of me, he’s not real.”

    And he’s not in front of me right now…

  251.  #251Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Darling Ella – yay! that woudl feel fun… which ones have you worked on that you can lead me through?

  252.  #252kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    And why the heck do all my married friend advise me to contact him? That also feels triggering.

  253.  #253opening up on March 2, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    SLV Re: 202 – I feel grateful for your support. Your question helped me clarify that, no, I’m not willing to make myself unhappy so that he can get the reassurance he needs. I don’t want him to be unhappy, but I can’t ‘fix’ it by doing what he wants if it’s going to make myself unhappy – that’d ruin everything! What I told him was that I wanted to date other guys and I felt uncomfortable being exclusive, and he recognized that it wouldn’t work if I wasn’t into it anyways. But I’ve still been pressuring myself, and it’s been stressful, so I’m going to stop.

    Re 203: Tinque, I like the simplicity of ‘Enjoy him.’ – that gives me a better focus. I want to be more in the moment and trust things will work out as they need to. Thank you!

    Lucy #212 – Ack, I totally sympathize and commiserate re: fb college guy and the physical attractiveness thing! Seems like a cruel joke from the universe!! I keep thinking there must be some important learning in here for me… I feel expectant to read more of your posts and hear how it goes 🙂

    Femininewoman #213: Thank you – yes, I want to be more upfront with him (well, first more upfront with myself!) that I feel overwhelmed and that I don’t want to be exclusive. I want to value the messages that my feelings are sending me…

    I am feeling more comfortable and trusting of my feelings, now am feeling a little teary, grateful for all of your support and comfort since I feel a little scared through all of this.

    xoxoxo thank you thank you

    ps. daria, I felt joyful reading your posts about your conversation with your father – something so gloriously free about it…

  254.  #254kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Sorry if it seems like all I do is TAKE here when I have nothing to give. It’s just that I don’t have relationship advice for women when I’m just learning now where I’ve gone wrong with men. I do appreciate you all. Mostly, I am sitting back and just listening in here.

    Quite the opposite of the real life me.

  255.  #255Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    246 SLV

    “There is not a straight upward path in “recovering.” Sad feelings come and go in waves; sometimes there are flashbacks. Once in a while our horses zig zag on the path to happily ever after.”

    This feels more true now than ever. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom.

  256.  #256Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Kaitlyn – best friend doesn’t sound supportive on this issue

    yeah, you started out to get him back… so did i, and everyone else

    so what?

  257.  #257Daria on March 2, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    opening up – i feel good that you found it gloriously free

    i feel wonderful with that feeling gloriously free

  258.  #258kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Daria, he says because I think about him so much, he’s not convinced.

  259.  #259opening up on March 2, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    LD #240: Wow, I feel awed to hear the guys you are dating! Am wondering if that would be possible for me. Feel very comforted and taken care of to hear that you want to look out for us ‘newbies’!! Much gratitude.

    Kaitlyn re: 254 – I feel the exact same way! Most of my posts are some version of ‘help!’. But I’ve been helped by hearing other people cry ‘help’, so I’m hoping that maybe just by participating I am enriching community here. I feel enriched to know you are a part of it too 🙂


  260.  #260kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Opening Up, thank you.

  261.  #261LD on March 2, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Opening up,

    Yes, it’s possible for you!

  262.  #262kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    But I truly do need advice here. I’m not writing just to vent. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that when Sirens do it.

  263.  #263opening up on March 2, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    daria, i feel happy and free myself reading your post! #257 whee! thanks 🙂

    i also feel tired… am going to bed early. gratitude and love to all you sirens!!!


  264.  #264opening up on March 2, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    okay, just saw your post #261, LD, and curiosity wins over sleep! How on earth is it possible? Do you meet these men online or out and about? I have only ever met one guy offline. I’m so intrigued and curious about this.

  265.  #265Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Hi Everyone

    I’m back here;)
    First off, I see now that I completely missed Boomer’s post #29 – thank you for responding. I actually don’t think of myself as a big deal, I rarely tell guys things about myself, esp not from years ago. Sometimes never, sometimes can mention something 2-3 years down the road. It helps that usually guys that I date have much higher achievements than I do, so I just look up to them – period;) Plus as you may have noticed most of the time I’m not happy with myself haha, i.e. think that I could/should have done better. As to the looks, when I was growing up my dad often told me that I’m not very pretty, so I sort of got used to the idea and no matter what men told me later, it didn’t sink enough.

    So to put it short, I just strive to be at the highest level of myself, but I don’t think that I’m a ‘catch’, I’ve met more successful women, more confident, more beautiful, etc. Guess that guys I fall for are hard to get, hence I’m alone. I could use more confidence too apparently. And more experience to recognize their game when it’s right in front of my nose.

  266.  #266Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    SLV, FW,

    Yes, I did return the gift!! But earlier today thought that maybe it was a mistake, so I can get it again and send out;)) Was feeling that saying no to him would have been a smarter choice then just accepting his rejection. But I’m ok now, back to normal;)

  267.  #267LD on March 2, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Opening up,

    I meet about half of them online and half of them out locally. I work in a restaurant, so there are always alot of people around.

  268.  #268opening up on March 2, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    LD, okay, that makes sense. I’m curious – did you do the Modern Siren program? I haven’t gotten that – only the Heart Toolkit – and am wondering about it. I feel a little fearful that my questions might be annoying you! I felt dazzled reading your post! So I am curious and want to learn more…

  269.  #269LD on March 2, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    hahaha I felt so afraid to post the comment about the minister for fear of being judged and no one said anything negative at all! I feel much better now!

  270.  #270ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    I didn’t even notice there was a new blog, silly me! So I posted this on the old one. Whoops. I need to be more attentive.

    Now I have to catch up!

    Well, here’s what I wrote over there…


    FW- Thank you for the articles you have shared!!!! As always!

    Ann- I really enjoyed reading the update to your story! I’m so excited for you! It makes me feel like it is okay to continue to have hope!

    Alonka- I was going to say… Do you think he knows he left his item there? If not, he will come to find out that it is missing eventually. And if he wants it, he will contact you. There’s no sense in sending it to him. You could do a pretend curse on it, to satisfy yourself to mentally get back at him for hurting you, even though he won’t know. Maybe he’ll pick up on the “vibes,” haha. If he wants it he will ask for it. And the reality of it is that you don’t want to reject him. Well you didn’t before, maybe now you do. I think it’s just the part of you that is hurting that wants revenge. If he came to you and wanted to try again, what would be your responses? If you would consider it, then you probably don’t really want to reject him back, it’s just the pain talking. Nevertheless- I mention whether you really want to reject him in return or not because of Rori’s newsletter email today. She talks about and stresses the importance of TRUTH! Is it true that you want to reject him? Or not really? Unsure? Not being sure is not a no, but it’s not a yes either. I have to agree with what ANN said very much. She’s right.

  271.  #271Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    LD it is so inspiring to hear of your continued success and reinforcement that if we really dedicate ourselves to these tools they really work. I am wondering if it is closure you need or just a realization that the past does not exist and to just let it go. Our hearts, bodies and mind love the comfort of home and when a man feels like home it is hard not to go there. If you really love him it will be best if you let him go. You know Rori has said to get our happily ever after we have to to just give up. Someone else said if we really love something to just let it go and if it is meant for us it will come back. Remember part of what we are working at is taking our energy back so he does not feel any pressure. Who knows he might be cleaning up his life and preparing to come back to you. I say if your mind drift towards him let it go to the times when you were really happy together and was feeling in love. Let it be a vision of paradise rather than sadness. When he comes back he will feel that and want to stay. That is a lesson I learnt from CC so I dwell on happy moments. I do feel sad sometimes yes but I just notice it. I dwell on whatsoever things are lovely, those are the things I keep my mind on.

  272.  #272Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    RE 270 ConfuzzledCookie I bet I would be rich if you paid me a quarter for every time you call yourself silly.

  273.  #273LD on March 2, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Opening up,

    I actually got “Reconnect Your Relationship” 2 years ago when I was desperate to make things better with my ex, who “demoted” me from exclusive serious girlfriend to casual FWB (I refused to believe that’s what it was back then, but see it clearly now) while he also had another woman just like me in the same situation with him. I feel almost ashamed to say I let him give me crumbs like this for almost a year after having been serious and exclusive with him for 3 years! Rori slapped me right upside the head with the truth the very first time I posted on this blog. She said I was in an imaginary relationship and taking crumbs and that I should use the tools in Reconnect to get a NEW, REAL relationship instead of trying to resurrect the dead one.

    I have listened to Reconnect hundreds of times in the last 2 years and practiced the tools constantly. I have probably CDed well over 100 men in that time and have only broken my no sex boundary twice in that time.

    You wouldn’t recognize me as the same woman if you went back and read my posts from 2 years ago. I still have my moments of weakness, but I feel I’ve improved by leaps and bounds practicing the tools. And the men who come to me keep getting better and better…. : )

  274.  #274Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 7:11 pm


    I think if we had a chance to communicate in real life, you’d never think that I’m confrontational. At work I sometimes hear that I’m not aggressive enough. Even when I first got here you and SLV were telling me that I need to stop softening my communication, not be afraid of stating what I want, etc.

    I do engage in intellectually stimulating conversations with guys, but again most of the time they’re smarter than me, so it’s not disrespectful, I just learn from them. Sometimes they learn from me and they like it. There were cases where they felt intimidated, but more with my experiences than smarts and I can do nothing about it. If say they ask me about some place and I’ve been there and can tell them about it, I’m not gonna lie that I don’t know;) I’ll tell them what I know based on their level of interest – either one line or a paragraph, whatever I feel suits.

    Overall, I really don’t think that I’m doing anything fundamentally wrong with men. It helps to learn how to communicate my feelings because I’m very emotional, but stick to manners, so it’s hard to tell. being strong inside and soft on the outside is a great advice – I’d love to learn that.

  275.  #275Lisi on March 2, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Kaitlyn –

    You still gotta take the focus off him & put it on you.

    As long as you’re counting the days from his “like,” it’s too much.

    Time to be dating & not thinking about him.

    Remember the “vibe.”

    He feels it, even if he doesn’t know what it is


  276.  #276Lin on March 2, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    thank you daria . I feel heard. i feel happier.
    I realized sharing and opening up can be a therapy.
    Just you girls are so fast. cannot follow up with all the posts…

  277.  #277Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Alonka “feeling that” is not a feeling, it is a thought. I also get the sense that you are in your head a lot with the going back and forth on your decisions and the questioning. I am wondering now if this is the way you show your lack of confidence and trust by constantly second guessing yourself and people around you. You obviously reached back very far thinking of getting back the gift again. Do you know that Daria takes questions in relation to some personal coaching? Click on her name and it should take you to her blog. I believe she will be able to help you.

  278.  #278ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    OMG! Do I really do it that much?
    I didn’t even notice.
    I probably do!

    I am a teacher… I work in an elementary school.
    So I’m used to talking to children all day every day.
    I’m used to always censoring myself, so much that don’t intend to, but I often accidentally bring my teacher lingo outside of school with me too. Obviously!

    I sometimes say “What the haystacks?” Things like that. It keeps me from saying things I shouldn’t. I want a permanent job, not a foot out the door. Haha.

    I find it so funny that you noticed!
    You’re right!

  279.  #279Lin on March 2, 2011 at 7:20 pm


    Are we in the same boat?
    i am still trying to justify. just email a greeting like a normal friend. an excuse. i know.

  280.  #280Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 7:22 pm


    #270: Thank you. Yes, it helped a lot to hear it earlier from Ann (and other days from everyone else!!) Thanks for reminding me to communicate my truth. That’s the most important thing and we are all here to learn how to do it.

    No his personal item is not something he would come back for and yes, he knows it’s at my place.

  281.  #281Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    RE 274 Alonka I never thought of you as confrontational, maybe untrusting. It is also human nature if someone keeps trying to give to you and you seemingly don’t accept that they will stop. It is like a baby crying for a toy and then when he gets it he immediately gets bored with it. This is an analogy I have heard Rori refer to. She also says we want and then when we get it we run away from it and that is a way of keeping love out because we are so afraid of intimacy. Everything here does not necessarily resonate with me but I try it out, with friends, colleagues, friends husbands you name it. Just to test to see if it works. I don’t want to be convinced or to believe I am open to learning so I try. I might be wrong but I also sense from what you write that you might also play the role of the convincer a lot. If so people tend to resist when you try to convince, it is human nature. If I were that boyfriend and I got that gift I would take it that were trying to convince me of something. I hope Daria will share again the tool of bringing down the guys status so you don’t feel a need to reach out to him in any way.

  282.  #282Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 7:30 pm


    Thanks for your response earlier today. Yes, waiting for someone who says that they really like me but don’t want a relationship was not a good choice:)) Much much later I actually found out that the guy was married, but lived with his family on the weekends only.

    Not waiting for someone to realize that they love me is a new concept for me and I have done it in the past too.

    Another thing was being so madly in love with someone who moved on that I just couldn’t date anyone else.

  283.  #283kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    “Remember part of what we are working at is taking our energy back so he does not feel any pressure. Who knows he might be cleaning up his life and preparing to come back to you. I say if your mind drift towards him let it go to the times when you were really happy together and was feeling in love. Let it be a vision of paradise rather than sadness. When he comes back he will feel that and want to stay.”

    I’ve been doing this a lot. AND CD-ing. Why am I still focussing on him?

    ALso, is it healthy thinking about him in a pos vibe way and being optimistic that he’ll be back?

    OR is it healthier to tell myself he is done with me and emotionally checked?

  284.  #284Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    RE 278 ConfuzzledCookie it is one of the things I learnt to do since I came here, observe the things I say to myself about myself. These are the things we use to bring down our self esteem and many times are core beliefs we hold about ourselves. Here it is referred to as nasty voices or NVs. I have learnt to observe my thinking, some coaches call it your witness and I have heard it referred to as the observing ego by a psychologist. These help us to observe our behavior, reactions and thinking so we become aware of ourselves. That way we can practice emotional sobriety, manage our emotions, operate from our higher selves and be our best selves out in the world.

  285.  #285ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 7:34 pm


    I feel we are wearing the exact same pair of shoes.

  286.  #286Alicia on March 2, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Lets see I feel freakin overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ugh! My guy friend died in a plane crash in Dubai. A 28 year handsome funny man. I feel shocked sad and pissed!

    I am freaking out for a full time job already and I want to move!

    Oh and it’s my birthday tomorrow..

    If something doesnt change soon. I think I’m just going to pray that God just takes me home. It’d been 2 years of hell and this is starting to feel like bullsht.

    I’m soooo over it and I feel so much anxiety I hate it. I hate these stupid feelings.

  287.  #287Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    RE 283 kaitlyn it is healthier to focus on you. See how you are feeling, put your energy in your work, cleaning up your house, clearing out clutter so energy passes through. Cleaning out a closet, a drawer, taking a class and practicing Rori’s tools. That way you will be so busy your mind will have a hard time drifting to him. You have to set your intention and commit yourself to doing what’s best for you. A man cannot love you if you are not committed to your happiness.

  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    @265: Alonka says:
    “…As to the looks, when I was growing up my dad often told me that I’m not very pretty, so I sort of got used to the idea and no matter what men told me later, it didn’t sink enough…”

    Ha! But you weren’t a child forever so you get to spend the rest of your life being beautiful. Would you rather have your parents had told you how pretty you were?

    I think my parents probably put their heads together (they were always doing that) and said “poor little ugly thing, what can we do?” I can recall looking at family pictures and one of me going to junior high prom.

    I was skinny, flat-chested, awkward looking, wearing some strange bangs over my forehead, collar bones protruding and toothy little smile. I’m saying how awful while my mother is looking at the pic saying “…you were so beautiful…” That’s guaranteed to take some of the trust away and not make me any prettier either.


  289.  #289Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    RE 286 Alicia it feels like you are suffering over something you have no control over. Hand it to the universe, hand it to God. You on the other hand are here for a purpose and shortcircuiting that will serve no one. This too shall pass. Sending angels to comfort you. Sorry about your loss but I am sure he is in a better place.

  290.  #290Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    @266: Alonka says:
    “…But I’m ok now, back to normal;)…”

    If you decided not to buy him another gift, I think this was a good way to go. Whew!


  291.  #291Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    166 – SLV and Lucy:

    Lucy, we seem very like-minded, don’t you think?

    SLV, WOW! You are, like, the awesome Legal Lady Vibe! How cool that you went to law school! I should retract my statement from earlier–I would have LOVED law school and the intellectual exploration and as you say, communing with like-minded people, but I would have been a lousy lawyer. I’m too “shades of gray” and I would have let the stress of politics and appearances and billable hours destroy my personal life. I think my life has turned out just as it was supposed to.

    I love learning about my “sistas” on here!

  292.  #292Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 7:42 pm


    I’m so sorry about your friend.

  293.  #293ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    FW re 284

    Thank you for opening my eyes to something with which I need to be more self aware. This new self awareness mindset is an exciting overall mentality adjustment. It’s nice to pay attention and see what’s really going on in and around me.

    Some wonderful words of wisdom, as had by you. Again. Gracias. Stay amazing.

    Here’s to observation…

  294.  #294Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 7:43 pm


    Thanks will think about all this. Please don’t think that I mistrust, it’s not even a question of trust, it’s about finding your way. if I ask questions it’s because I want to know, not to prove anyone wrong. Some things you relate to easily, some things you have doubts about, so dig further.

    Was never a convincer, but recently saw women doing it aggressively and it worked well. Don’t know for how long and what will be the outcome at the end (mind you that my outcome we already know haha). For me I doubt it will work, because I have too much pride to convince, would rather stay silent and cry forever in a dark corner instead:) Still was considering maybe it’s a skill I need to learn.

  295.  #295Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    PG, I love this:

    “I used to say that w/out online dating the only way I’d meet a man (not that I actually met any in person) would be if they fell from the sky in a parachuting accident… ”

    Keep your sense of humor through this rough patch. Because I think that’s all it is. You’ve had a lot of change and you have a lot of responsibility. Feel it (the “knot” and the sadness), move through it, be sweet to PrairieGirl. We’re here for you!

  296.  #296kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    285 I hope they are Louboutins.

  297.  #297Daria on March 2, 2011 at 7:47 pm


    Getright man calls: hello

    me: heyy 🙂

    him: whatsup with you?

    me: im feeling good 🙂

    him: where are you?

    me: im at home… 🙂

    him: oh you’re at home? come pick me up 😉

    me: awww… 🙂 i feel good that you want to see me

    actually i was going to stay in tonite so i can go to community service tomorrow

    him: oh okay… i was just hittin you to see what was up

    me: aww 🙂 okay 🙂 ill be over in that area tomorrow after community service

    (hmm that was my lean forward bit! babysteps)

    him: ok well hit me… call me (theres a guy in the background)

    me: okay 🙂 bye

    him: bye


    that was it!

    i feel good!



    oh yah i feel good about my beta and appreciation

    i forgot to do waterwheel and I’m all that

    next time!

  298.  #298Daria on March 2, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    when i had a car, i thought he was using me for being able to have a ride

    but now that i don’t have a car, he’s still calling me to hang out

    he has lots of female friends he hangs out with, including exes of his…

    i didn’t really feel a “torn” feeling on the phone

    letting it all flow!


  299.  #299Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 7:49 pm


    I can sense it’s the same confidence issue that I have. Are you embarrassed to be noticeably better at something compared to someone else? Do you feel that you have to apologize for looking pretty, feeling happy? Do you feel that it’s polite to stay invisible? Do you tend to apologize for who you are?

  300.  #300Daria on March 2, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Alicia – i feel sad to hear about your friend’s passing also 🙁

  301.  #301Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Alicia – it is terrible, my deepest condolences

  302.  #302Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    @286: Alicia

    My sympathy to you on the loss of your friend, so young, so sad.

    Give yourself some time and grieving space. You are alive and life is precious. You will find your soulmate beloved. Take care.



  303.  #303Daria on March 2, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    i RESISTED RESISTED RESISTED getright man for so long

    his asking me out as a friend etc

    but then i would after months “cave” and hang out with him, or even call him up myself

    i am going to go into this with a new tool:

    APPRECIATION, waterwheel to ME!, and Beta eye balling, and I’m all that

    along with my judgement healing back-up (though i felt a lil less interested in this in the past couple days… i’m going to go with “that means the healing is happening subconsciously now”)

    I will APPRECIATE that he is calling me to hang out

    Truth: i WANT friends. I WANT to be called to hang out.

    sometimes i call him because he is on my list of people available to keep me company when i feel lonely

    i feel HAPPY when i get phonecalls to hang out

    i feel TIGHTENED now to think that may push away a possible romantic connection

    i feel GOOD to think about this as experimenting

    i feel afraid it’s not safe

    i feel GOOD to think it’s SAFE in that i will be getting to practice my new tool

    which puts me squarely in touch with my feelings so that i can walk away when it doesn’t feel good

    TRUTH: i feel excited to have someone as company tomorrow – him or other friends would be great

    and so to know i have a tentative “plan” about tomorrow after sherrif’s feels like FUN!

    so i will now APPRECIATE THIS

  304.  #304Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Alonka a good skill for negotiating in the the marketing place. In relationships guys lead, we negotiate following their lead, directing them with I wants and setting boundaries. Most women try to convince guys when the guy wants to break up. What I have learnt from coaches and from personal experience it does not work. Some guys do what we want for a short while but in the long run it tends to backfire. It think sometimes we forget that they are adults with a mind of their own and want to make choices of their own so we try to convince them of how they should feel. Which when you think about it is ridiculous, you either feel it or you don’t. As we are learning here feelings change, they morph, they come and they go. Guys live in the moment and they can shut down their feelings easily unlike us. If we practice getting out of our heads and into our bodies it is less likely for our thoughts to drive our feelings.

  305.  #305Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:01 pm


    I don’t know if I would mistrust my parents on the old photos, after all you never know what they saw! Maybe you’re too critical of yourself?

    One thing is that I always told my son that he is very handsome and I always complement his looks;) But I believe what I say and have particular features in mind when I say that.

  306.  #306Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Fun Update for anyone who wants to share in my “success” with AlphaMale.

    We met tonight after a week of intense flirtation and get-to-know-you online and on the phone. You may recall that he is the one I had to draw a boundary with (successfully) regarding the too-early sexual talk.

    What a darling, gentle, sincere man! Oh my gosh! His picture was not great on his profile–I was expecting to have to rely on my maturity and focus on his great personality and resonant, smooth voice. Frankly, the photo was TERRIBLE and he even told me that he was a “mere 5” to my “9.8” and that he hoped I would not be disappointed! But he is darling! His picture made him look mean and a little rough around the edges, but he has a boyish face and a warm smile. A verv open face. I find him very attractive. He has deep, mellow, kind eyes too.

    In one of our email exchanges, I responded to his assertion that he has “a mean-looking intensity, like a bouncer or a wrestler,” by saying that I have a direct gaze and an intensity that sometimes makes people uncomfortable with me, but that I truly have a “gooey marshmallow center.”

    So, get this…he brought to the date a rose (cliche but cute) and a packet of graham crackers and a Hershey’s chocolate bar. He had a big grin on his face, and he said, “These are for your gooey marshmallow center.” Chocolate and melted marshmallow on a graham cracker: as in the ingredients for S’mores!!! I hope the non-Americans get the reference, because it is absolutely clever and darling and adorable. Charming!

    Dinner was wonderful…he reached for my hands several times, he seemed nervous, he kept staring at me…but it was cute. I was very girly and lean-back and it felt great. He said he wanted to watch my butt as I walked to the bathroom, and he was so cute about it, I was happy to sashay a little for him as I went!

    He walked me to my car and kissed me passionately, actually. We made out for a few minutes, but sweetly. He was kinda frantic at first, but I gently slowed the pace by pulling back a little and kissing him more gently. He got the hint. It was really nice. (I hope I did it “Rori right” and that my dictating the pace I like was not “lean forward.”)

    Anyway, he texted me as soon as I got home:

    ” I hope you had a good time tonight because I had a great time with you. I feel [he said “I feel???”] calm, happy, and relaxed. For me that’s a huge deal.”

    A feeling message? Hmmm? Interesting. But it works for me.

    I replied:

    ” I had a wonderful time, {Alpha}, I felt warm and beautiful and very femmy with you 🙂 Thank you for an incredible date.”

    He replied:

    “You rock, Boomer. I think that about says it all.”

    Wheweeee! I feel so appreciated and seen right now.

    Thanks for letting me gush, everyone!!!

  307.  #307Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Alicia I hope you find peace on your birthday tomorrow.

  308.  #308Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    exercise from Kathy Crabbe:

    As a creative being (and an artist, yes you!) you can make a difference!

    To begin, I want you to come up with three ways that expressing yourself creatively could make a difference in your life.

    1. painting! could have parents appreciating me, attract prosperity, beauty, organization

    2. rapping! could have new men, new friends, new places to travel, excitement, companionship, excitement, excitement

    3. clothes re”making” – could have me feeling super fly, could have me having more energy to organize, could have me attracting new men, feeling proud of myself

    Now, name three more ways that being creative could influence your community.

    1. painting!, could have parents relaxing and searching their own artistic stuff to share, delight others who see the art, inspire friends

    2. rapping!, could inspire others, could bring My wholy and healing message out to the world, healing and inspiring

    3. clothes re”making” – could have me gifting others my clothes, could have me sharing my designs and beautifying people who enjoy them

    What intention could you set to make a creative difference in your life this month? It can be something that you are already doing but would like to talk about or relate to in an empowering way, or it can be something new that you want to try.

    1. find myself effortlessly doing one of those 3 things!

    What intention could you set to make a creative difference in your community this month?

    1. upload one of my drawings to my facebook and blog… wait! CREATE A VIDEO!! that inspires, wait
    dance and record a video, wait…


    create a video it is

  309.  #309Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    @291: Boomer says:
    “… I’m too “shades of gray”…”

    Shades of gray is good; the law is black and white depending upon how good your legal research is. LOL You have to be prepared to argue either side.

    I don’t have a law degree but I did enjoy the time I spent in law school many years ago. I like exploring different things. I’m kind of an explorer.


  310.  #310Femininewoman on March 2, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    RE 306 Congrats. I know you can do it.

  311.  #311Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Alicia, sincere condolences….Boomer.

  312.  #312Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:09 pm


  313.  #313kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Boomer, LUCKY!!!!

  314.  #314Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    i wonder if i really am able and subconsciously want to be just his friend

    that makes a lot of “sense” as far as our disagreements about what we want dating to look like right now

    but what i REALLY want is him to say, omgosh i want you, i’ll do anything for you, what do you want?

    i will come to see you on the bus, i will go down on you, i will take you out to eat and make sure to offer you my arm when we walk

    i will never yell at you and i will not criticize you

    you are sooo wonderful.. thank you for being there for me all this time…

    i want you and i want to become a better man for you and hope that one day i can make you my wife

    and if not, be honored that i was once close to you

  315.  #315Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    hmm strange… i dont’ feel particularly energized reading that… hmmm

    i will go back to waterwheeling his energy

  316.  #316Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:14 pm


    #304: Thank you. I agree, but listen what happened to me once. A tough case – a guy said: I’m leaving you because I don’t believe you love me. There was absolutely nothing in my behavior to suggest that I didn’t love him, quite the opposite. So then I sincerely felt the urge to convince him that he was wrong. As I learned later getting to now this guy better, he was always looking for some excuse to break up and when there was no excuse he invented it. This is the person that didn’t have a long-term relationship for like 9-10 years. So the moral of this story is that it was still a bad idea to convince, but how would you know at the moment

  317.  #317ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 8:14 pm


    Hehe. I like Steve Madden shoes. Granted I almost never wear heels to work. Maybe I should give it a whirl.


    I think it’s pretty neat how alike you and I are. Yes. Well, it depends. Sometimes if I am really proud of something I have a tendency to brag. Other times I will apologize or act bashful. I really wan’t kidding by any means when I called myself a contradiction. I have a lot of clashing personality traits.

    All the time, everywhere I go, but mostly at work I often hear some version of “you’re always smiling” that’s just me, that is how I am and who I am. I’m a smiler. The only time I am not smiling is when I am hardcore focused on something negative, angry at kids who won’t listen, or experiencing depression. Earlier this week I was struggling in my own mind with K and his intentions, and possible meddling. I was so down. I’m a substitute, and I work in the same building every day whether they need me or not. And I was working a day that I had no responsibility. I was just extra helping kids out that day. I started thinking while I was taking a short break, and had a moment where I let my thoughts really get to me, when I was using the ladies room. I had to get out of my head before I could leave the bathroom in the teacher’s workroom. Another substitute was in there at the time and she saw it the second she looked at me. Politely I just said that I was tired and stressed. I wasn’t lying. But she could tell it was because of guys, and I admitted that she’s right, she told me “he’s not worth it.” I’m rambling. Meh. (Kids get terrified when they see a teacher genuinely upset from some sort of emotional pain. Seriously scared.) Anyways, while I was in the bathroom trying to regain my mental composure, I was pondering unleashing my inner bitch on K and thought against it because it could make things worse – he might be seriously jealous and hurt and do major damage. I considered being nice and trying a pleading without begging approach, to politely get him to back off. And then I remembered what I read that morning. I sometimes read Daily Readings from the bible. It comes and goes in spurts. I’ve been reading them every day lately, I prefer to in the morning if I have time before work, depending on how much I’m rushing. As I went back and forth about what to do and how to handle my mess I remembered what I read and the first reading of the day for Mon 2/28:

    “To the penitent God provides a way back,
    he encourages those who are losing hope
    and has chosen for them the lot of truth.
    Return to him and give up sin,
    pray to the LORD and make your offenses few.
    Turn again to the Most High and away from your sin,
    hate intensely what he loathes,
    and know the justice and judgments of God,
    Stand firm in the way set before you,
    in prayer to the Most High God.

    Who in the nether world can glorify the Most High
    in place of the living who offer their praise?
    Dwell no longer in the error of the ungodly,
    but offer your praise before death.
    No more can the dead give praise
    than those who have never lived;
    You who are alive and well
    shall praise and glorify God in his mercies.
    How great the mercy of the LORD,
    his forgiveness of those who return to him!”

    What calls to me the most are the lines that read, “Turn again to the Most High and away from your sin, hate intensely what he loathes, and know the justice and judgments of God, … Dwell no longer in the error of the ungodly, … How great the mercy of the LORD, his forgiveness of those who return to him!”

    The line that came to mind that snapped me out of my funk was without doubt, “Dwell no longer in the error of the ungodly,” and in that moment I knew.

  318.  #318Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    Kaitlyn, lucky? Hmm. Not so sure. But am I pleased, yes. This is after six months and over 30 dates with men that have gone nowhere but
    “Feelingshurtville.” And this is only after systematically using the tools here and really just BEING soft and open instead of DOING anything. He told me I am the best listener! Hahaha! ME??? six weeks ago, DanngerousDavis told me I interrupt more than anyone he knows, so…Progress for Boomer!

    It is really “WOW,” Kaitlyn, and I am floored by how it played out. Time will tell, of course.

  319.  #319Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    my hormones are def hooked to him,

    i feel my pussy get warm

    and i also feel warm feeling in my chest talking to him

    i also feel that warm feeling with friends, so it might not be “romantic type of love”

    i feel unsure

    i know my pussy gets warm though so that does NOT feel like i do with friends

  320.  #320Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm


    #306: GREAT!!!

  321.  #321Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    @306: Boomer says:
    “…Fun Update ..”

    Yippee. Great date. He would have had me at “s’more.” I love that kind of stuff.


  322.  #322Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Oh, Daria…you sweet girl. I just want to comfort you right now. You most definitely deserve and should have an arm held to you, lovely dinners out, great sexual pleasure, and a man who says “Thanks for caring about me, you’re awesome!”

  323.  #323ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    BOOMER!!! Yayyy! I feel so excited for you! I’m really glad you had such a great time!

  324.  #324Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:22 pm


    Thank you;) Yes, maybe it’s time for both of us to change the old habits!

  325.  #325Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Boomer – thank you 🙂

    this guy i would have called “difficult” – he REALLY reminds me of my DAD now!

    now i realize my role and how i was playing a pattern… practicing tools with him led me to be able to


    I feel GOOD About calling him tomorrow and hanging out with him!

    i feel EXCITED and i feel HAPPY to have something available after i do community service

    i’m going with these feelings… i want to practice more waterwheeling with him, more coming from a BETA eye balling place, more appreciation, more “i’m all that too” while eyeballing him

    oh i feel excited for the healing i am experiencing

  326.  #326ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    I don’t think I was around early on enough to know Daria’s waterwheeling tool. Can you give me a quick brief description, pretty please?

  327.  #327Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Some guy on has a picture on his profile of the following saying:

    “Happiness is like a butterfly:
    The more you chase it,
    The more it eludes you.
    But if you turn your attention to other things,
    It will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”

    You know what? I can almost not even imagine calling a man first now. Or initiating contact for any reason other than an emergency. Or reaching out to him without first having been reached for. I will never CHASE ever again. I feel this intuitively. I get it now. WOW.

  328.  #328Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    I don’t get “s’more”

  329.  #329Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I am feeling so excited! I am feeling so excited!!

    Daria does that arm thing where you stick both arms out straight and kinda slide them over and back in


    he’s calling me

    he wants to hang out

    he wants to see me

    *uhoh ! enter surprising bad feeling thought

    “he just caled me because our girl who has a house is not answering her phone or told him she’s busy and he wants to see if im over there”


    me: “so what?”

    he called me

    he sounded super friendly and responsive to my 🙂 Beta tone

    he did NOT rush off the phone

    i felt good

    he wants me to call him tomorrow


    i think this is what he’s been wanting the whole time, my


    ie appreciation

    but not getting it

    cuz we were thinking different


    i feel excited to practice appreciation and see how it transforms a man!! yay!

  330.  #330Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    @318: Daria says:
    “…i also feel that warm feeling with friends, so it might not be “romantic type of love”…”

    I remember you posting you got a lot of dates through MySpace. Do you use any other sites? Is it possible you might get some different vibes through some of the online dating sites?

    Just an idea.


  331.  #331Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Cookie – waterwheel is a very important Rori tool

    i know it’s covered in HeartConnection Toolkit … maybe even the e-book

    its about

    ok think of an oldschool waterwheel, by a mill or something… how it picks up water out of a river, brings it up and over, and then dumps it on the other side, then comes back down just trickling

    now, imagine there is one in your chest. put your hands to your chest

    imagine filling your hands iwth love, coming up and forward, dumping out your love onto a man, and then bringing your hands back to you with the trickles

    use your hands to make that circle up and out… can you feel the energy?

    this is GIVE energy – this is where we’re at, if we’re used to overfunctioning, most of the time


    NOW: imagine the waterwheel is turning towards you… from a man… bring hands up, dump out the love all over you as your hands get to the top, and open your hands to waft out the trickles back to him

    imagine getting filled with more and more love from him

    this is RECEIVING

    lean your torso back.

    think “receive, take, receive”


    do this waterwheel tool – towards you, whenever there’s men around… imagine their energy coming up and showering you with love, and you radiating out as you receive it

    do this ESPECIALLY!!!! when it doesn’t LOOK like the man is paying you attention (ie when you feel ignored)

    just IMAGINE it turning towards you… even if it seems the opposite in real life


  332.  #332Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Alonka, a “s’more” is a cute name meaning “I want some more” and it is a campfire snack that a lot of us grew up eating in Girl Scouts:

    You toast a marshmallow over the campfire, and then sandwich it between two graham crackers with a piece of a chocolate bar. The marshmallow is gooey and warm and melts the chocolate. It is a sweet and sticky and delicious mess!

    So, when I told AlphaMale that I may seem intense on the outside but that I have a “gooey marshmallow center,” (meaning I’m really sweet and melty at my core), he though it would clever to bring me the graham crackers and chocolate bar to go with it!

  333.  #333Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    SLV – no i don’t use others, yet

    i get so many dates off myspace ! i feel a little confused… and a bit defensive reading that:

    i don’t want to judge myself as not good enough for enjoying the myspace vibe


    i get the “friend love” feeling with my guy friends, not my myspace dates – they have been varied

    Getright man I met before Rori… or right around when i first started her tools … and it was not on myspace

  334.  #334kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    Triggered thinking of how I purposefully leaned back with Adam in the beginning and things were amazing. I’d known him for years on a professional level and had no idea I’d be surprised later when I got to know him. I was reading RR then but not steadily. I also wasn’t reading John Gray; thus unknowingly do things like give unsolicited advice and, worse, criticism. Adam was impervious to it all because he really liked me. Eventually, my unconscious shit test (that’s why I lean forward and do other neg behaviorial stuff when I know it’s not attractive) lead to sh*t.


    I AM keeping busy. When I’m not working, I’m working out, cleaning, running errands, prettying myself up, etc. But he’s always there.

    In my mind. In my mind and not on the phone calling a zillion times a day from the East Coast wishing to see me again like he used to.

  335.  #335Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    @327: Alonka says:
    “I don’t get “s’more””

    It’s a sweet treat usually made by campers. You toast marshmallow over campfire until they are alittle charred and gooey, put piece of Hershey’s chocolate bar on top of a graham cracker, put hot marshmallow on top and then top with second grahahm cracker. It makes kind of sweet chocolate marshmallow graham cracker “sandwich.”

    You can also make them at home by softening marshmallow over fire on stove top, use an old fork because they tend to get ruined if you do this. If you have metal skish kabob holders you can use those but I think forks work better, marshmallows don’t fall off as easily.

    Try it, you’ll like it.


  336.  #336kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    I meant I was leaning back then started leaning forward the more he impaled me with adoration and love.

  337.  #337Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm


    It may help to express your opinion/feelings about other people’s situation if you like. It helps me to hear several girls respond to my even weird ideas. And to respond to their questions and imagine what I would do.

    in your situation I would let him be, do what I want to do about my life and not feel guilty about it;) We are always inspired by someone or something so what if he is an inspiration to you? Isn’t it great? At the end it takes you to make it happen. So good luck to you. To think or not to think that he is coming back:) -? I don’t know, perhaps one day at a time? Today he is an inspiration, yay. See how you feel tomorrow. One day you may be too busy to think much, another you may spend the whole day thinking. So what, you’re human:)

  338.  #338Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    i’m starting to feel “doubts”

    and that’s ok

    here i go waterwheeling him again


    it took a bit of imagining… i got it BACK!


    thank you!

  339.  #339Boomer on March 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Cookie, here’s Rori’s Water Wheel tool:

    This Tool is called THE WATERWHEEL.

    I mention it a lot, because it’s in one of my very early eLetters, but I’m going to show you how to do it step-by-step here.

    The Waterwheel is about imagining – no matter WHAT is really going on in your relationship – that all his love, heart and energy are coming TOWARD you.

    So do this:

    1. Picture one of those huge, gorgeous waterwheels on the side of a barn that you may have seen in pictures, or perhaps you know one near where you live.

    2. Really imagine it in detail – the huge wooden wheels, the water it sits in.

    Imagine it turning. How it turns slowly, gently picking up water from the pond it sits in, carrying the water as it turns, and then how the water gets carried all the way to the top and then over… until it drops back into the water on the other side.

    Imagine how it KEEPS turning.

    3. Now imagine the same waterwheel (a smaller version) right at your chest, right up against your body, turning in the direction AWAY from you.

    4. Imagine it picking up your love, heart and energy (just like it picks up water), as it turns away from you.

    It gets all your energy from your heart and your body, then it brings it up and over…and…

    5. Now imagine your man (or any man) standing a few feet in front of you, on the other end of the wheel, and feel the wheel turning away from you – carrying your love, heart and energy, and then SPILLING it onto your man.

    Imagine him getting ALL you have to give, it just drops all over him, filling him with your love and energy, and then the wheel keeps turning…

    6. Now, imagine, as the Waterwheel keeps turning and the bottom part is returning to you – imagine what YOU’RE getting.

    What you’re getting is the DRIPS left over after all your love and energy give all their “water” to your man.

    The wheel is EMPTY by the time it gets back to you.

    7. Now imagine this for a minute or so.

    Wheel turns, picks up your love, heart and energy like water, turns more, spills all your precious love on him, and then keeps turning, returning back to you empty and dripping.

    How does that feel?

    Pretty icky, doesn’t it?

    Does it feel like the way your relationship feels?

    So – let’s use the WATERWHEEL to CHANGE all this.

    1. Now, imagine the wheel turning in the OTHER direction – toward YOU.

    2. Imagine it picking up all the love, heart and energy from your MAN, and then turning to drop it and deliver it, and spill it beautifully all over YOU.

    3. Let your arms drop by your sides, turn your palms over, and imagine that the wheel is turning – returning now to HIM, all dripping and empty.

    4. Now, to make sure that you’re not only TAKING, but GIVING BACK, too, imagine his love, heart and energy coming toward you, spilling all over you, filling you up, making you feel fantastic, and juicing up your own personal fountain of love, heart and energy.

    5. Imagine all this juicy, lovely energy of your own heart drifting down your arms and out to him through the palms of your hands.

    Imagine you’re just naturally flowing with the waterwheel, and your energy is giving BACK to him, along with the dripping and nearly empty waterwheel.

    Lean your body back while you’re doing this, so you don’t feel like you’re GIVING – but that you’re clearly GIVING BACK – a response to his love and heart and energy coming to you on the Waterwheel.

    The trick here is to imagine this ALL THE TIME – even if you can’t feel his love coming toward you.

    Even when he hasn’t called in days.

    Even while you’re flirting with other men and imagining THEIR Waterwheels turning toward you.

    Imagine the whole WORLD of Waterwheels turning toward you.

    And that your ONLY JOB is to open your heart and let the water, love, heart and energy come in.

    Your only job is to RECEIVE.

  340.  #340Alonka on March 2, 2011 at 8:45 pm


    Thank you!!! Sounds yummy. So much for my calorie counting;)

  341.  #341kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I feel confused. Is ‘WaterWheel’ exercise focussing on him?

  342.  #342ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 8:50 pm


    Thank you so much for that amazing detailed description. It’s greatly appreciated. I love it.

  343.  #343Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    @332: Daria says:
    “…i get so many dates off myspace ! i feel a little confused… and a bit defensive reading that:
    i don’t want to judge myself as not good enough for enjoying the myspace vibe…”

    Good enough? That never crossed my mind. I assumed you were good enough for anything. My suggestion was to add to your pool not diminish it.

    My motto is do what works best for you. For me that means exploring and trying different things. I sensed you might be somewhat an explorer too.



  344.  #344ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    You too Daria!!!! Thank you!!!!
    Great helpful description, I will implement this tool.

    It’s always nice to have more than one perspective!!
    (I know Kaitlyn and Alonka would agree with me on that.)

    Thanks ladies!

  345.  #345Daria on March 2, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    SLV – thank you!

    my trigger is around myspace being considered “ghetto” and me feeling guilty/judged because i LIKE THAT

    and i want to honor myself and will now run my judgement compassion tool on myself

    “i’m not good enough because i don’t honor my preferences in the face of other’s judgements”

    🙂 🙂 🙂


    i really don’t feel interested in other dating sites…

    shoot myspace is not even really for dating … but I AM WORKING IT!!!

    woo hooo!!!!

    i do have ok cupid and POF

    i feel a bit uncomfortable working my profiles on there… like it might take too much work!

    i already am getting lots of men… hmmm

    feeling curious

    thank you for caring, hugs, and inspiration SLV!

  346.  #346kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    CC and Alonka, absolutely. And ladies, I’m going to try WaterWheel later tonight after my shower. Keeping with the water theme lolz. Seriously, I equate showers with taking care of myself for the beauty rituals that follow pre-bedtime.

  347.  #347Lucy on March 2, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Daria, I feel excited seeing you practicing Appreciation! That is one of my favorite “tools” that builds great-feeling connection with men. Good luck! Alicia – so sorry for your loss. 🙁

  348.  #348kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Daria, if you like being ‘ghetto,’ be ghetto.

  349.  #349kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 9:03 pm


    A’ight lemme give a shout out to Rori and all them Sirens up on this. LEAN BACK LEAN BACK LEAN BACK!

  350.  #350Jilly on March 2, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    LD..thanks for posting does feel good to know that it isn’t a linear process

    Daria…thanks for sharing about your dad…to hand the phone back to your mom while he was still talking? wow that was a big step

  351.  #351LonePlum on March 2, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    247: Darling Ella says
    …I sure followed u amazing story  Wow…I feel so happy for you and sure proud…So, what did you tell him? How would it feel to quit working and going on a cruise for a change????***

    I assume LD told him thank you for inviting me but I will not dump my job for a few weeks on a boat.

    A cruise is good with a fiancé or husband, but with a simple date, it is friends with benefits.
    Dumping a job to be a man’s sex buddy is not thinkable.
    He would think she is crazy or desperate.
    He would probably lose respect if she’d accepted such invitation in such circumstances. (he is not committed to her, they are not even real dates yet and she would face unemployment on her way back)

    He said it himself, he is interested because she makes him feel “not good enough” and he is not used to it.
    If she accepts the cruise with no commitment from him, he will feel good enough with all women again.
    He is working on deleting the “no good enough” feeling.

    In a first stage he will keep trying to make her betray herself. If he succeeds, he will lose interest.

    In a second stage, if he discovers he ended liking her a lot during his pursuing, he might withdraw to wonder if he should commit to her to win her heart.
    Or if he should stop playing with her and leave her be in peace.


  352.  #352LD on March 2, 2011 at 9:24 pm


    Yep, that’s pretty much what I said…. : )

  353.  #353Daria on March 2, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    my parents are now arguing downstairs

    i am making a purring sound in my throat to kinda drown it out as much as i can to not understand what they are saying

    tho i can still hear their tone

    this doesn’t feel good

    but the humming does!

  354.  #354kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    LONEPLUM, please start a blog. I heart you!

  355.  #355ConfuzzledCookie on March 2, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    A few comments about self-awareness.

    In the staff workroom during one of the lunches the other day, the busiest lunch time, a handful of teachers and staff were eating together as usual. The topic of a certain profession was being discussed as one teacher was very displeased with an experience he had with paying someone for service and their terrible “bed side manner.”

    Now, I love hearing what people have to say about this particular profession, because it is my father’s profession. I find it interesting the experiences, both positive and negative others have had. Especially because he knows every other such and such in the area. Another, ignorant teacher (she’s always got this negative vibe about her, she seems rude and so unfriendly, she just comes off so ICK) goes on to label and stereotype. Well this B**** goes on to say “they’re all so nasty.” A few heads turned and looked at me. The room fell silent, but barely for even a split second. Loudly I interjected… “WELL I DON’T REALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT MINE ISN’T…” One of the teachers who didn’t know my father’s line of work smiled, intelligently put two and two together and inquired, “Is your father a such and such?” “Yes, he is,” I replied, “and I LOVE my such and such.”

    I bet she felt really embarrassed/ashamed/stupid. My father is an intelligent educated man who works his ass off at not only his job, but every single thing he does in life, be it taking care of his yard or his toys (technology), everything, literally. He is the best such and such I know. He only does and offers what he fully believes is healthy and safe, unlike those who just want to rake in the dough. He is anything but nasty, and has the best “bed side manner.” Oh I was fuming. I hope she felt like an @$$ cause she certainly made herself look like one.

    Nevertheless, let it be a lesson to always be aware of what you are saying about yourself and anyone else.

  356.  #356Eternity on March 2, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    306 Boomer

    so nice, i’d love a good make out session with a fab guy about now.

  357.  #357LonePlum on March 2, 2011 at 9:43 pm


    I am saddened to hear about the death of  your friend.

    I am sending you hope and strength to go through this difficult time.


  358.  #358LonePlum on March 2, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    351 LD

    I thought so 😉


  359.  #359LonePlum on March 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    353 kaitlyn

    awww thank you so much 🙂


  360.  #360Daria on March 2, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    i waxed my mustache! woo hoo!

    go meee go meee

  361.  #361Daria on March 2, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    thank you DARIA for doing this for me!!

  362.  #362Daria on March 2, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    thank you also for making me an Airborne Drink to boost my immunity

  363.  #363Daria on March 2, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    after reading some of the blog, i now feel full of doubts

    should i call him tomorrow?

    i dont want to stress myself

    i felt EXCITED that i had possible company after my activity tomorrow

    that is whatsup!

    AND i also like this man romantically… or do i?

    im feeling confused

    my intuition says call him so i will!

    more practice tomorrow on my quadruple whammy tool!

    even though, my doubt says it might not feel so good

    that will be practice too!

    i feel tired

    i want my toes to be done, and i want to go to sleep


    i wil go to sleep!

  364.  #364LonePlum on March 2, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    5: Alonka says:

    ***Earlier I met men who wouldn’t marry me because I was a single mother, there was a man who said I was a foreigner, etc. It’s true that these guys, the ones I know of, are still alone. So I concluded that perhaps it’s 15%-20% me and 80% them – to be very generous to them haha! Working on my 20% here and hoping to meet someone who is ready to settle.***

    ***It’s true that these guys, the ones I know of, are still alone.***

    Yes it is about them being emotionally unavailable.
    Now what does it say of a woman who keeps accepting emotionally unavailable men? Why pay attention to these ones in particular, and not to men ready to commit?

    May I say that the reasons given do not sound genuine?
    They might be stories you are telling yourself.
    If they were the reasons actually given by the men, then, they are excuses.
    Before they started dating you, they knew you were a single mother and a stranger. Why does it come up as a surprise obstacle after you started dating them?

    Thanks God single mothers do get married and have more babies with the new husband.
    And strangers get married every day.

    You might want to check early on if the man has any problem with marrying your nationality or a single mother. If he has any problem with that , check him out of your dating pool. Dump him. Why risk to fall in love with a man who can’t meet your needs?

    You want a good relationship, doable in your reality, you do not want a certain type of man.
    You have no idea if your type of man can create your relationship. Until we have our relationship, we won’t know what type of man it was taking.
    It is the relationship that counts, not the man.


  365.  #365Brenda on March 2, 2011 at 10:29 pm


    I checked out the two websites you listed:

    Mingle2 is truly free

    HowAboutWe is NOT.


  366.  #366SummerBaby on March 2, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    So how does everyone deal with the guilt (or am I the only one experiencing it?) that comes with cd-ing?

    I have a Mr. Gold, but he lives an hour away, so we see each other on Sundays, but talk daily. And now I have B, who shows up at the bar I work in and texts/phones and asked me out for Friday night.

    I feel guilty. Like I am doing something wrong seeing two guys at the same time. How do I move past this? Oh, and I tried the 5 second smile/stare at work only I could only last about 3 seconds, but wound up with a big tip from one of the ones I was more successful at. The tip was out of normal proportion to the service rendered.

    but seriously, what do I do with the guilt?


  367.  #367Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Thank u Daria for getting in bed

    Thank u for running the humidifier

    I feel worried now! Calling him tomorrow is not leaning back … I could’ve said I feel better to have him call me

    But what I wanted was company after comm service tomorrow – and I have a possible plan now, if I call which is convenient for me too

    He also told me to

    My intuition said yes

    I wonder what will happen

    I Now experiencing a shift from appreciating

    To: wanting more, my thought out ideas of man coming to me, etc

    Stuff he did not offer. This is how I Resisted before.

    I want to appreciate now and move into that receiving energy

    I now received not only a call from him, but an invitation to spend time, and that moved over to when it’s convenient for me

    I can appreciate this

    If it’s not enough, I’ll get bored.

    I’ll notice and love me do tools and act on my behalf

    And what if it feels great?

    I lost sight of this

    I was in the vibe and now I’m not


    I feel excited. I felt doubtful. I felt overwhelmed and shut diwn my fertility center

  368.  #368Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    This is what I wanted! Why did I let ‘them’ make me feel bad. Hello doubts. I will heal you now. Thank you for showing up. That is brave of you and I appreciate it.

    I appreciated so much on the phone w my dad.


  369.  #369LonePlum on March 2, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    365 SummerBaby

    Is it guilt, like in “feeling sad that they might feel hurt because of you”?
    Or is it guilt as in “fear they get mistrutful and dump you”?


  370.  #370Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    I was bit fake appreciating either. I was feeling it. It’s so much fun not concentrating one the one thing that feels bad…

    Oh yeah! My focus on the good tool!

    Thus guy i like called me to hang out and I will be able to tomorrow! Yay!

    I got to talk heart w my dad!

    I did lots of wonderful things for myself today!

  371.  #371Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    @344: Daria says:
    “…SLV – thank you!
    my trigger is around myspace being considered “ghetto” and me feeling guilty/judged because i LIKE THAT…
    shoot myspace is not even really for dating … woo hooo!!!!…”

    You’re welcome. Oops, 😳 I didn’t know about the ghetto part, really? I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t worry about it. I don’t use MySpace, although I have an account, but as you said I didn’t consider it a dating site but more for “friends” kind of things. However, there are all kinds of “friends.”

    “…i do have ok cupid and POF…”

    Good! I made a suggestion which I thought might offer romantic possibilities… maybe not. Perhaps better to inquire first: Daria, if you are getting warm down there, may i offer a suggestion? 😀

    I know I have a tendency to hope right in there and also be kind of “cut to the chase.” It’s usually out of excitement and joy of someone’s else’s possibilities.

    Also, I admit that suggestion was not entirely altruistic as I want an experienced online dating site user to explore those two free sites i know absolutely nothing about. I have an inkling they might be good resources worth exploring. They might be gold mines in the hands of the right explorer.


    I should probably put those on the list of online dating questions to ask Jacqueline.

    Daria, you like to write; I’m sure your profiles are wonderful. Or you could check out EMK’s book from the library, that’s one thing he does for a living: write profiles. It might be a tad hard work…probably not as bad as my prep work of losing some pounds among other things… 😆

    Getting lots of men is good, but for finding my soulmate husband, I might not need lots of guys, just guys who are most likely. That’s what I was thinking for you too…someone in your own age group of course!

    I hope you are not offended. Only wanting to send some good stuff your way. If that doesn’t help… I found out from Campbell’s the chicken gumbo soup is still being produced but now it’s “chicken gumbo light.” I am going to regard this as magic elixir (in convenient little cans) for my soulmate search success. 😀

    Note: I thought ginger tea would be a magic elixir too but my ginger root melted…that’s right… melted. I don’t how that happened. 😯 Is that a bad sign?…



  372.  #372Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    Wasnt being fake

  373.  #373Daria on March 2, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Slv – wait so Ure suggesting hop on in there sexually with an attractive man?

    I’ve been thinking about that as far as getting my sex life to feel good

    I feel happy u found the gumbo! And my fresh Ginger stays crisp after a couple boilings even… I wonder?

    Well for me dating is about me and my vibe, not the men

    The man for me will find me when my vibe is ready

    I’m already getting readier and readier

    I guess something I want to accomplish Before is a great sex life, feeling confident to attract and keep attracted men I find attractive, and to know I can care for myself resource wise

    I am open to changing my before requirement

    In fact, I will null and void those unconscious vows from all my cells now

    Wait I feel scared! If I null void the first one, what if I get married and we dint have great sex!


    Maybe these vows still serve me

  374.  #374Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    Oh I get it… The cut to the chase was aboutsiggesting pof and okcupid

    But those are Dating sites! People on there are to – gasp – date!

    What if they’re nerds!

    What if I wind up married before I know how to have great sex!!!

    No way!!

  375.  #375Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    @364: Brenda says:
    “Mingle2 is truly free
    HowAboutWe is NOT. \..”

    That’s a disappointment. Is any part of HAW free or is the free promo a deception?

    Generally speaking, how are the guys on Mingle2?


  376.  #376Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:08 pm

    Maybe I am one of those masculine people who wants sex

    But then I want to be wanted…

    And I love head

    And I love being and feeling sexy in the passenger seat of a man’s car

    I like it more than when I was driving abd they were passengers

    I don’t wana confuse myself

    Oh yeah part of my tool: people are GIFTING me when they speak to me… So appreciate it as such


    This helps curb ‘autorrsponding’

  377.  #377Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    I also texted that one guy that asked me shopping that it would feel great to have help w paying my fees… I wonder if he gets texts?

    I felt great

    Thank u Daria for doing that for me!

  378.  #378Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    I feel happy about my clothes for tomorrow

    Happy I’m in bed

    Happy I have an after companion


  379.  #379Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    What if getright man introduces me to another very sexy man?

    What if I feel appreciative and in the moment?

    What if I don’t plan ahead a relationship w getright

    What if I accept what he offers if it feels good

    What if I let my intuition take over

    What if the practice I get here is tremendously healing?

    What if sexy cd offers to pick me up tomorrow?

    What if a sexy man offers to pay my fines

    What if getright decides he wants to go down on me now

    What if another sexy man decides the sane?

    What if one of them I feel safe and good to have sex with ?


  380.  #380Brenda on March 2, 2011 at 11:21 pm


    RE: #374 – Why don’t YOU pioneer those sites?

  381.  #381Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    @372: Daria says:
    “…Slv – wait so Ure suggesting hop on in there sexually with an attractive man?…”

    No, not suggesting sex on first date or a sex only relationship but more romantic CDs with guys who are emotionally available and prepared to be lasting partners. I’ve read several posts where you mentioned wanting to get married.


  382.  #382Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    @372 Daria
    “…And my fresh Ginger stays crisp after a couple boilings even… I wonder?…”

    This is not about dating but it was the weirdest thing. I never even made one cup of tea. I put the ginger root about size of my hand into bowl on top of refrigerator. It was there for a few days with some fruit, pears, oranges, lemons. The fruit was OK I’m thinking there was problem because I left the ginger in the little plastic bag.

    When I open it, it was melted like a little decomposed body. It was creepy. I hope it was not an evil omen. It was unbelievable! I’ve had ginger before and it was fine for weeks.


  383.  #383kaitlyn on March 2, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Reading a book about an artist triggered memory of Adam. I remember my friend and I were shooting the artist’s muse this Christmas and I remarked on the phone to Adam about seeing that artist’s exhibit in NYC. He told me, “I was living there then. If I had met you, I probably wouldn’t have tried killing myself.”

  384.  #384Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    Instead of searching for a “result,” instead of living in the place where you’re striving for your “goals” – we’re about experiencing the moment, using it as an opportunity for awareness and illumination and practice, and letting the future unfold.

    Yes! I feel excite to re read this.

    I’m not going to have a ‘goal’ of inspiring getright man to treat me a way.

    I’m going to let the future unfold and say yes to what feels good…

    Maybe I’m meant to be his friend and that will start feeling good.

    Right now from the space of no goals, other than great relationship and full life, his offer feels really good.

    How does this feel vs how should this feel

    Well it feels like yay and like my chest opening up.

  385.  #385Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    @379: Brenda says:
    RE: #374 – Why don’t YOU pioneer those sites?…”

    Yes, I could do that. But then those e-mails start arriving, even though I guess most of them are templates, I hate to see them when I’m not in that state of CD and I won’t be making dates with any of the guys. I will eventually.


  386.  #386Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    He is helping me fill my need tomorrow

    I appreciate this

    I also notice lately I have spent more time w him than other CDs and he is contacting me regularly


    I’m trying to doubt myself but bottom line o jus feel glad for the company and for the awesome practice

  387.  #387Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    Slv – if u don’t want evil omen, flip it love it and honor it

    It was a symbol of melted hardness into feminine softness

    And how magic changes can happen to the ‘hardest’

    Just like that

  388.  #388Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    Slv – my CDs are getting progressively overall more emotionally available and step up

    They’re getting closer and closer to marriage


  389.  #389Senior Lady Vibe on March 2, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    @386: Daria says:
    “…Slv – if u don’t want evil omen, flip it love it and honor it
    It was a symbol of melted hardness into feminine softness
    And how magic changes can happen to the ‘hardest’
    Just like that…”

    I’ll have to flip it in my mind, I tossed the ginger about three seconds after i looked at it and said “OMG!”

    Don’t you think that was strange?


  390.  #390Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    And then – you pay no attention to the voice in your head that says PLAN!”

    The voice that says “Do what you think will work. Do what you think he wants. Do what will get you….this!”

    Ok! The voice says.. Don’t call him, that will ‘work’

    Nope I will go moment by moment w what feels good…

    Including making myself happy by having an activity

    And… It will start feeling bad if it’s not what I want.., and I cam deal w that then

  391.  #391Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Slv – flip the meaning… Not the actual Ginger

    It was unusual. Maybe it was caused by reaction w fruit And plastic

    Or maybe my first suggested meaning was right

  392.  #392Daria on March 2, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    Whoa cool!

    Doing the experiencing thing from the post, I just thought… Why are we talking about that guy, he’s not even here. Haha.

  393.  #393Daria on March 3, 2011 at 12:05 am

    Hmm I’m being offered the possibility of making a call and having possible companionship

    This doesn’t ‘seem’ romantic

    But it fits my ‘need’

    I appreciate this need filling

    Maybe I don’t want more

    I can appreciate what’s being offered as long as it doesn’t feel bad

    It doesn’t

    The phonecall – I feel like I’m chasing him there

    And then I don’t

    The only thing that does, is the phonecall

  394.  #394LonePlum on March 3, 2011 at 12:10 am

    About obsessing on a man after break up
    About jealousy, imagining him with the other woman
    About wanting a man to stop getting stoned
    About wanting the man to stay with us although he is not happy with us, and yet we say we love him.
    About judging a man and yet want him to love us.
    About not being good enough
    About ruining our peace by minding the other’s business.

    For those not familiar with The Work
    we write down
    1 what we feel,
    2 what we want,
    3 what should be,
    4 what we need,
    5 we describe the person we are obsessed with or the situation,
    6 What we don’t want.

    We ask The Four Questions on each of the 6 points:
    Is it true?
    Can you absolutely know that it is true?
    How do you react when you think that thought?
    Who would you be without the thought?

    Then we turn the sentences we wrote, around.
    And we ask “Is that as true or truer?”
    And “can you find another turnaround?”

    When we are done, we say
    “I am willing to” and we read the point number 6
    “I am looking forward to” and we read again point number 6


  395.  #395Brenda on March 3, 2011 at 12:32 am

    I really appreciate everyone’s input here. I don’t have time to comment on every post, but wow, you are all so wise and deep! I learn almost every time I read the blog!

  396.  #396Ella on March 3, 2011 at 1:21 am

    DE re 230

    Yes, definitely.

    I often feel anxious to mention the good tuff iin case it doesn’t work out!


  397.  #397Ella on March 3, 2011 at 1:23 am

    Good Morning Sirens (it is morning here in the UK).

    Well I am feeling good today.

    The sun is shining here and I am eating a healthy breakfast of porridge (that one’s for you Brenda) with banana.

    I am looking forward to the day ahead at work and teaching a fitness class tonight. And then tomorrow seeing my friend.

    I feel happy.


  398.  #398Brenda on March 3, 2011 at 1:35 am


    I was thinking of having porridge earlier (cream of wheat), but I made instant mashed potatoes instead. 🙂

  399.  #399Ella on March 3, 2011 at 3:37 am

    Brenda 🙂

  400.  #400Ella on March 3, 2011 at 3:43 am


    I knew this would happen but I keep getting little doubting voices in my head… and it makes me feel unsure/confused about whether I did the right thing to turn away from Mr B.

    Whether it was a good option to withdraw.

    It feels like closing the door.

    I wonder if I could have stayed longer and just kept rejecting the behaviour and walking away everytime like Rori teaches in toxic men…

    Did I give it enough of a chance?

    And did I leave the door open?

    Well I guess yes but only if he sorts his addiction…

    I keep getting an NV which puts this pic in my head of him getting with another woman, and then somehow being clean and them being happy together and me being left in the cold with no-one!


    It is hard not to take it personally when someone has an addiction, like ‘if he loved me enough he would stop doing it and pick me!’.
    But I don’t think it really works like that does it…

    That is what he is choosing for now but that is where he is at… its not personal to me right?

    Can yo help me make sense of this please?

  401.  #401Brenda on March 3, 2011 at 4:04 am


    Right, even tho it’s illogical, his love affair with a white powder has nothing to do with you. He is controlled by it. He likes you and wants you, and it is not a rejection of you that this white powder is driving a wedge between you and him. Not sure how to explain it beyond that.

  402.  #402Alonka on March 3, 2011 at 4:39 am

    Ah Ella yes. It’s all about our choices. The problem with making a choice is that all other scenarios stay behind. So once you decide, you can try to fix, but you can’t undo. Another problem is that there is no guarantee.

    What you did with Mr.B was very powerful and you don’t know how it’s gonna work. And you don’t know whether the other approach would work or not, or any approach, or all of them or none;) You did speak your truth and that was beautiful. How he takes it – the first impression was great, right, but what he decides to do with it is out of your control. Let him be part of this relationship and carry his side.

    Not sure if you saw my idea about going back to the store, buying V-day gift again and sending it to my ex – a classic attempt to ‘undo’ and follow a different scenario;)) Do you think I should do it? In your situation you can still undo – as of calling him and saying that you miss him and changed your mind. Did you? For how long?

  403.  #403Alonka on March 3, 2011 at 4:49 am


    Speaking of porridge – is there such a thing as pumpkin porridge? I cook it and love it, but not sure if it’s actually an authentic thing or some later derivative;)

  404.  #404Ann on March 3, 2011 at 5:13 am

    Feeling shakey today and resentful and pretty angry. I’m trying to let this go and just go with the flow…but I’m having a really hard time. The weekend is getting nearer, it’s here as of tomorrow and my LI is going for 3 days to AC with his 5 single, drinking, pot smoking friends. I’m staying with a GF for the weekend and will be taking her out to dinner and some dancing for her B’Day, trying to avoid feeling resentful and doing something that makes me happy. I can’t stop thinking about how pissed off him going away makes me feel. How dare he go away when he told me 3 weeks ago he only had $50 in his checking account for the 4 day weekend his daughter was staying here with us!!! He certainly found money to go to AC with his friends for 3 days, how is this???? He suggested we go out as a couple last weekend to a play, we did, I PAID!!! I’m feeling so angry today, so hurt, I feel sick to my stomach as he’s telling me all this week how excited he is, this guy is going that guy isn’t going how he can’t wait. Must be nice to sponge off of your gf who is jobless, expect her to pay for ALL of your dates together, and expect your gf to pay for your daughter you and her own daughter while she is staying in your GF’s house and then find money to go do a 3 day trip with the guys to drink and probably get high all weekend. GOD I am so PISSED!!!! CLUELESS MAN!!! Ugh!!

  405.  #405Ann on March 3, 2011 at 5:17 am

    I’m sorry I’m just venting trying to let this go and move forward into feelings……… “When the man is not in front of you, he does NOT exist”…..

  406.  #406Ann on March 3, 2011 at 5:22 am

    It doesn’t help that I have an old friend who is a guy, same age as my LI that couldn’t believe he was going to do this. He has a LI GF with a child that’s almost the same age as my daughter and he said he would NEVER NEVER go away with his single guy friends for 3 days like that and he would feel very very uncomfortable if his GF went away with HER single GFs for 3 days like that. He’s got me all riled up about it. If another MAN says he can’t believe it, what does that mean?????? He said his priorities are screwed up, he has no money to show his daughter a fun time, no money to show his GF how he appreciates her in any way including dates but is selfish enough to find all the money he needs to go away while leaning on his gf for everything. God this has to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  407.  #407Alonka on March 3, 2011 at 5:24 am


    #363: Haha seriously! Of course while they were courting me they were saying that it’s beautiful that I have a child, it’s amazing that I am ‘a citizen of the world’ (quoting the one who said later I’m not good for him for a long-run being from a different culture) – I would never call myself that actually;))

    They say they always wanted to have children, they wanted to have my courage to change their fate, etc. it’s all so very good up to the point when they need to really commit. They don’t get me easily/fast, so they say ALL the right things. They say they want a real relationship, they’re giving little details and sound like they really mean it. Well, now maybe that I’m getting more experience, I’ll be a little less trusting and more asking questions type. But even before, my intuition is not that bad, I wouldn’t accept a complete BS. we are talking about super smart, fairly successful men who know their game, know how to behave in business to get what they want. You never really know with these guys and they can always change their mind (like everyone else) and do what’s convenient for them at the moment.

    I had one guy who once came home and said, looking angry: I always thought that I would marry a woman who looks like my mom and sisters and you… you are BLONDE. By that time we were living together for 3 years, engaged and our wedding was in 3 weeks. We were of the same religion, had everything in common and understood each other from half-word. I was madly in love. What did I do? I stepped out of the room, then went back in and returned the ring. He took it;) Later I was going crazy back to this moment in my mind so many times, thinking that I should have followed a different scenario, but the truth is that I did the right thing, my intuition was exactly right. He couldn’t do it and I couldn’t take it to be treated this way.

  408.  #408Alonka on March 3, 2011 at 5:32 am


    Did you think of taking a small step and telling him that he needs to start paying. Did you think of telling him how you feel about him not paying for much in his reality with you, but finding money for this trip? How it makes you feel? To show him that you are deeply hurt and upset?

  409.  #409Prairie Girl on March 3, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Cowboy called at almost 11.. I had all my ringers message..

    This is what I sent him this am… cousin thought my part about the flimsy excuse was not right… he was supposed to be here noon fri and stay until sometime sat… his mom wanted him to move his screwed up/divorcing brother early Sat am.. 2 hrs away from me.. My thought is he could have compromised and seen me and gotten there later.. I never said that to him just said how disappointed I was and cried. This note is the closest I’ve come to anything..

    Did I say/do something wrong here? I just sent it.. so no response.
    I feel sad that I missed talking to you yesterday.
    I feel so good when I feel close to you.
    But the last couple days i feel like unimportant.. like scraps.. or leftovers..not valuable.
    If I were valuable to a man he would let me know.. he would think of me/talk to/contact me during the day and not just last thing at night.. as leftovers.. the last thing he can find to do…
    If I were valued by a man he would not cancel completely plans to be w/me over what feels like a flimsy excuse. Plans that were hard for me to make. He would find a compromise.. he would find a way to be with me and do what he needed to do as well…If I were valuable to him.
    I feel so sad.
    I don’t want to feel bad.
    I want to feel peaceful, and loved, and cared about, and valuable… worth it.


    Thank you Sirens… I do feel better w/some sleep under my belt, but still kinda sad…

  410.  #410LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 5:33 am

    I had a date last night and was no where prepared for what I encountered. We shall call him Manly Man.

    Totally an Alpha Male and I was floored. I felt like I couldn’t match him, no matter how hard I tried to stay in my feminine energy, he would catch me. I was trying to answer a question he had asked, all soft and girly, and he said “Don’t mince words, just say whatever is on your mind.” Manly man exudes sexuality and I wasn’t prepared for that either.

    I was no match for him in terms of being a rock star siren-y, feeling woman. Not even close. At one point, we were deep in conversation and I caught myself leaning WAAYYY forward and it struck me hard. I leaned back, he noticed and said he didn’t like me way back there and asked me to lean forward again. I was no match and felt defeated.

    He has an extremely intense energy about him. He is very deep and would say what I was thinking before I could even form the words in my head. I do not understand that at all. And, after days of IM’ing, we had both come to realize that we had an intense connection to one another.

    My hands were freezing and rather than hold them to warm them up, he placed his hand just under mine and his energy warmed them up to the point that they were hot. I do not get this and it hasn’t happened before.

    I will be leaning way back today.

    My thoughts about this evening are all over the place.


  411.  #411Ann on March 3, 2011 at 5:35 am


    #406: That was the most self loving and BRAVE thing I’ve ever heard of anyone doing. Good for you to stand up for yourself and knowing you did not deserve to be treated that way at all by someone who said they loved you but clearly didn’t. Saying that he would marry someone who “Looked like my mom and sisters” was nothing but an excuse and big fat line of bullsh&*. Good for you!!!!!

  412.  #412Mercedes on March 3, 2011 at 5:40 am

    Alonka #12: Thank you. It sounds to me like you have a good handle on creating the balance that works for you. I like that.

    Daria #17:

    “Mercedes – ‘he would be bored with me’

    No I think he wouldn’t.”

    But you don’t know him. Trust me. He would be bored with me. He likes me (in addition to he loves me) and that’s because of who I am and how I act, feel and behave when I’m around him. He would be bored if I were someone else (or trying to be) that’s why he’s with me and not someone else.

    “I enjoy intellectual opinion sharing with my dad… And it really does feel fun, in a guy bonding way.”

    I can appreciate that’s how it works for you, but nothing about J and I are a “guy bonding kind of way”. LOL

    “I have so many male friends, that I can share that with, it’s definitely Not about romantic connection, but about me and what I enjoy. Like we both like dancing.”

    And for us, it is about a romantic connection. That’s just how it works for some people. I’m not saying what I have would be right for you, but we have a great romantic connection and we can actually have a debate about something like politics or religion or work – and we can do it while talking and laughing through our kisses.

    “In conclusion – I noticed you say “he would not like me” and felt a trigger that that belief would scare me like I Have to … Not a big deal since I like to – but working on an energetic level as a fear.”

    I couldn’t find where I said he would not like me but that could very well be true anyway. J likes women who are authentic. He wants me to be ME…because I’m the woman he fell in love with. He’s not really interested in me trying to be someone I’m not unless it’s a change that feels right to me and even then, he’d want it to be a good change.

    “Like when a woman may think – he won’t like me if I don’t cook – but I like to – so i can easily handle it.”

    Some men like women who cook…and it can certainly be a romantic connection…

    “I like to think the men will like us anyway due to the emotional connection.”

    Unless we’re destroying the existing emotional connection by faking our way through a tool that feels awkward in the hopes he’ll like us even more.

    “And am glad you have someone you can enjoy your fun with.”

    Me too. Very, very glad.

    SLV #47: ABSOLUTELY!!! Balance…it just feels right. 🙂

    Much Love,

  413.  #413Ann on March 3, 2011 at 5:43 am

    Hi, Alonka.

    #407: I told him how this trip makes me feel and NOT in feeling messages either. I let it completely and totally fly….I said I couldn’t believe he had the balls to go on this trip while he had no money for when his daughter was here, that I pay for everything, that we NEVER go out as a couple but when we do I pay….all of it. He KNOWS. He still thinks it’s no big deal. I’ve told him HOW pissed I am, how hurt, how I can’t believe it, but all he does is continue to tell me ALL this entire week, I’m so excited, i can’t wait. I don’t respond and walk away. There’s nothing I can say or do. He just needs to go. When he gets back from this trip, and when his daughter comes again over to MY place to stay with us, I will tell him just like I did before when he said he only had $50 in his account that being jobless as I am, paying all the bills I have to pay including 100% of my own rent, I simply can not afford to spend $200 for a weekend and I guess we are all staying home in the house and doing crafts. I don’t even know if I actually have the right to be upset at all. last time I brought this up about him going away, i can’t remember who on this website responded but said I had no right to tell him to go or not go, I never told him not to go, I just told him it makes me feel like sh&* that I sit home and you go AWAY with the guys but take me no where…..We sit home and watch DVDs. Fun fun fun fun

  414.  #414Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 5:45 am

    Ann I would frame the situation the way I want to not the way your guy friend puts it. You will have the time over the weekend to really see how you feel about the situation and your relationship with. See how you feel when he is not around. See if you could think of life without him. See how you would want to share with him how you feel about him taking off. Tell him to enjoy himself when he is leaving and focus on a good time with your girlfriend. Then practice how you will tell how fabulous your weekend was. Hopefully he will have a shi****y time and will be jealous of your weekend. Wish diar*************ea* on them the whole time.

  415.  #415LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 5:48 am

    OH and one more thing:

    He asked me about my dating life and I told him that I am dating others as well (have another this weekend) and would continue to do so until such time that exclusivity with someone came up and was agreed upon. He asked me about intimacy and I shared that I would not and could not sleep with every man that I dated but it was for me to chose and I would based on what felt good for me.

    He said, ” I don’t know how I feel about that, I want to mark my territory.”

  416.  #416Prairie Girl on March 3, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Okay, since I’m so quick to come on here when I’m crazy and feel I’ve f’d things up… I want to share a good thing.. It may be gone in 15 min.. but it was here NOW..

    I wanted to write and say OH DID I SAY THE WRONG THINGS sirens????EEEEEK!…

    then I thought…. “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy”… I’ve said all along Cowboy was just practice… I’m practicing.. and it’s been scary/amazing how the tools work…

    I found my boundaries… felt my feelings.. chose my words (maybe not perfectly.. sigh… but it’s practice right)…..

    I want peace today. I want to feel hopeful, excited .. who knows what plans the Universe has for me this weekend…I could meet someone in Walmart.. lol

    Okay.. the good feeling’s subsiding.. but this is proof.. it was there for a second..


  417.  #417LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 5:52 am

    413: FW

    “Hopefully he will have a shi****y time and will be jealous of your weekend. Wish diar*************ea* on them the whole time.”

    This is truly a gem. LOL!!

    Ann, I wish the same for them. And Wish tons of fun for you this weekend!


  418.  #418Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 5:52 am

    RE 412 Alonka “I said I couldn’t believe he had the balls to go on this trip” is character assassination and he could experience that as an attack. Also guys have ego, if he pulls out his guy friends would be teasing the crap out of him if he pulled out for you. He can’t have that on one side and you on the other side pissed with him for even thinking about it. He is in a no win situation so I would recommend letting it go. Maybe when he comes back your hair should be red and you dressed in a way that he fears losing you to someone else.

  419.  #419Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 5:53 am

    RE 417 I meant Ann

  420.  #420Ann on March 3, 2011 at 5:54 am

    OMG!! FW #413, you cracked me so up right now, I actually laughed literally out loud!! He has a terrible head cold and has been really not feeling well, Karma I ask myself every night? HAHAHAH That’s so not nice. Funny thing is, he tells me, yes I’ll be away for 3 days but I’ll be texting you a lot. I asked, why? AHHAHAH Just go and have fun! I’m not planning on hangin out with my GF and letting loose and blowing off the major steam I have inside me from sitting home for literally just about 3 entire months and TEXTING him all weekend!!! HAHAHAH And I will do exactly what you’ve suggested….I am going to take this weekend away from him to think, unwind, see what I really and truly want and need and if he can step up and fit it. Right now I feel used and mistreated and certainly last on the list of priorities. I feel more upset for his daughter, she was put last as well. The “guys” were clearly put first above all of us. Is this the kind of man I could spend my life with? Who’s saying he wants to settle down, be married, spend his time with his “wife” but still at the age of 40 spends at least 4 times a year for 3 – 5 days with his single 40+ year old friends who do nothing but drink and smoke pot? When he tells me he is nothing like them, do I believe him? Are people really that different then their friends? And if they are, why would you still stay friends with all those people who do not share a common future goal as you do. I say he’s immature and refusing to let go of the good old high school days. I don’t know many 40 year old men who go on all these loooong trips with friends who are single, probably because their wives and children would be like, ummmm what???? LOL

  421.  #421Ella on March 3, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Wow, it makes me feel shocked and amazed that a white powder has so much hold over a person!…

    This is a weird world.

    Ok, here it is…

    From today I have a completely blank slate. I can paint my own life.

    Nothing that has gone before matters.

    I will see now what life brings me.

    I am a Siren so I don’t approach men. They come to me… That goes for ALL men, no matter what has gone before.

    My man will find me. And if a man doesn’t come and find me he is not my man.

    I will concentrate on lifting my vibe, and then see what comes to me…

    I will be suprised by what life brings me…

    Maybe better stuff than I can even imagine.

  422.  #422Ella on March 3, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Alonka & Brenda,

    Thanks! 🙂

  423.  #423Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 5:59 am

    RE 414 ” I don’t know how I feel about that, I want to mark my territory.”

    I understand it is a thing guys do. I am surprised he even uttered the words because they don’t expect us to know that. IMHO it is one reason why some guys are in a hurry to have sex early. They are aware of the emotional bonding that happens with it. Then as they have marked it and are sure of themselves they back off.

  424.  #424LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 6:00 am

    420: Ella,
    “I will be suprised by what life brings me…
    Maybe better stuff than I can even imagine”

    Without a doubt, girl. Believe it, I do.


  425.  #425Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:03 am

    #417: I know what I said to him and HOW I said it to him was completely WRONG. I just was so so so PISSED that he could ever be that clueless or disrespectful that it wasn’t a good idea i just freaked out and forgot every Rori Raye tool I’ve ever learned….I didn’t mean to let fly like that at all, but it was a complete slap in the face. I can tell you this, of your comment about the hair color change, dress, etc….how funny that I said, Oh I feel so wonderful, my GF IS FREE this weekend and I am taking her out for her B’Day, I can’t wait. This was true feeling by the way, not just a game I was playing, I don’t like games….So later in the week we were laying in bed watching tv and he says, oh are you going to get your groove back this weekend and I just smiled broadly and shook my head yes!! Then he was asking a few other fleeting questions as though he was nervous about me going…you know those leading type of not really coming out and straight asking questions, and I thought, wow, really? Does he feel how I FEEL? Concerned about what the hell you really WILL be doing with your single friends???? So, yes, I do believe he’s nervous about my weekend, and I already KNOW he knows I can move on and in a heart beat because he says things to that effect as in he’s worried…..So if he knows he needs to treat me better to keep me around and engaged, why this? And I totally think you are right. His guy friends do nothing but tease him and he is definitely trying to show he’s a MAN to them by going no matter what, me, his lack of funds, etc….so be it. I will have fun this weekend, and I am truly looking forward to being with my GF haven’t seen her since JULY!!!! Thank you all for your input…see this is why I write here…..My mood is always lifted!! Thank you ALL!!!

  426.  #426Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:03 am

    RE 419 Birds of a feather flock together. I have heard a coach say look at his friends. Even if he doesn’t want to talk about his values it will be right there in front of you. And frankly I would turn off my phone, if he wants to be with you he would be next to you. I am pretty sure you are right on with the maturity thing.

  427.  #427LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 6:03 am

    RE 414:

    When he said that, I just smiled. What else is a girl to do?

    I imagine after the intensity of our date, he will back off today. His last words as we departed were, “I can’t wait to see you again.”

    Any suggestions on how to deal with such a man? I felt frustrated at my inability to hold on to my girly girl energy.

    It was really, REALLY hard.


  428.  #428Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:04 am

    Christian Carter says men are clueless. He is a man.

  429.  #429Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:05 am

    And FW, my hair is already red!! HAHAHAH Is that some serious feminine intuition I’m sensing from you? LOL!!!!

  430.  #430Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:11 am


    FW: I so wish I could turn off my phone, but my daughter is staying with my mom this weekend and God forbid one of them needs me….Is it possible to just not respond, or that feels like playing a game. What if I respond when he texts (he will, I know he’s VERY nervous about me going away) briefly respond with kind feeling messages and just say simply, love you and will talk when we both get home? Something to that effect. And I do love Christian Carter, but I think some men, as in MY men PLAY the “clueless” game WAY too well. No one can be that dumb….I don’t buy it…. This guy is SMART as in he’s a manager for a BIG state company….he makes big bucks (he also has BIG DEBT), he knows what he should be doing and not doing in a relationship….you can tell. He’s playing the game a bit too much…..He’s sweet other wise but no one is this clueless, he knows!!! Too funny!!

  431.  #431Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:14 am

    @403: Ann says:
    “…GOD I am so PISSED!!!! CLUELESS MAN!!! Ugh!!…”

    I wouldn’t like that either but I don’t think your man is totally clueless. He’s looking after his own happiness; you mentioned how happy he seems. He’s doing what he has learned is acceptable to you. If you want something different you might have to wean him from what he has been offering and introduce him to other things.

    Somewhere I read a Rori post comparing changing behaviors to dog obedience training, not that I am suggesting that men are dogs. Also perhaps I don’t remember it correctly. But whatever it is, here’s what I would do. I would discourage, by not accepting, what I don’t want and encourage and accept behaviors I do want.

    I’d find out if he was planning to pay for a date before I agreed to it. If there is a pattern of you paying for dates, you certainly have a right to know what he’s offering and not have a bill sprung on you in surprise. If I was uncomfortable paying for part or all of the date I would not go. And if I still wanted to go out, I’d go out by myself or with a girlfriend.

    I hope this helps.


  432.  #432Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:20 am

    RE 409 I would assume this is a very confident man who has been in the dating game for a while and has options. He knows how women behave and things we talk about. I understand that guys who date a lot are experienced and know how to play the numbers right. Think it was Renee Piane who said that. The best way to handle this IMHO is to be aware of yourself and your emotions so you don’t get unconsciously sucked in. Remember Rori talks about the energy exchange, it is natural if he leans back that you will lean forward. Whatever role you play he will play the opposite. Think physics, think energy. He knows what he is doing. If you stayed focused on yourself you can pull yourself back. Though I’d hate to see you get caught on a roller coaster with a player I sense this is a great situation to really practice your skills and see Rori’s tools in action. Self-awareness IMHO would be your greatest asset but you have to set your intention to not get draw in. Bad boy types know how to be smooth, say the right things and draw us in. Him knowing what you would say is also him being very aware and sensitive. Remember some guys are comfortable going back and forth from masculine to feminine.

    How much did he talk about himself? Did he say it is all about you?

    I would assume he will not back off if he can flip back and forth from fem to masc so well. He knows what he is doing and he knows you expect him to back off. You might even have unconsciously said something that would give him that impression. It is good that you noticed your frustration. That is what you want to do notice yourself so you can rebalance.

    One last thing, I would go slowly with this guy. Make sure I know his values around relationships. Talk to him about people like Jessie James, Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen

  433.  #433LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 6:23 am

    One time, a man I dated asked me to go and see a Mellencamp concert. We were shacking up at the time and since he asked me out on a date (rare) I accepted.

    Well, when his brother and sister in law came to pick us up for said concert, he told me he didn’t have any money and that I needed to pay for the concert and the evening.

    Two months later, I ended that relationship.

  434.  #434Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:26 am


    SLV: He knows and has known how I feel about the “single guy trips” all along. Right from the start, as in, I do not want a man that goes away constantly with guy friends for days on end and has no time for me. It feels bad to me. I do want a man that is happy to spend time with me, not ALL his time, but a bunch. That is what I’m looking for. And after I “let fly” in a SO horrible masculine way about the boy you have balls thing, he said to me, I know what you want, you want a man that is around and present. So he clearly knows……The issue I have surrounding this is he KNOWS how I feel, but is choosing to dismiss my feelings and do it anyway at the possible demise of our relationship. That scares me. And you are sooo right, I do have the dates that I pay for “sprung” on me as in I don’t know I’m the one that has to pay until it’s happening. I was already planning on making serious changes once this weekend is over and doing exactly what you suggested here….asking first and if the answer was I was paying, going out on my own instead. I think it’s a pretty clear non demanding message that puts my feelings first and will certainly get my point across without yelling and coming undone like I did before. That felt terrible!!! And thank you!!

  435.  #435Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:26 am

    @405: Ann says:
    “…If another MAN says he can’t believe it, what does that mean?…’

    It only means the guy you talked to doesn’t enjoy or do those kinds of trips. I don’t believe it’s a rule of life or gauge of happy relationships. If my sweetie wanted a trip with his guy friends, I’d be happy for him. I think it’s the balance of the relationship that’s important.

    I want to feel appreciated, adored, cherished and safe in a relationship. I also want to feel free and I want my sweetie to feel free too. I think there would be balance and freedom in our relationship if we are both feeling cherished, loved, safe. I think there would be discord if one or both of us was not feeling that way.


  436.  #436Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:30 am

    RE 409 Remember that guys have egos also. You must come across so confident that he might just want to bring you down to his level so he can feel good about himself. I am not saying that is the case but unfortunately that is how some guys think. That is the reason they play the numbers and boast to each other when they score. You never know. The issue though is that you want to take care of you.

  437.  #437Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:31 am

    RE 434 SLV I totally agree with you if you are in a relationship with a great mature man. Looking at what she says about his friends make me wonder about this guy.

  438.  #438Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:33 am

    @387: Daria says:
    “…Slv – my CDs are getting progressively overall more emotionally available and step up
    They’re getting closer and closer to marriage

    I say “Yay” too! 😀


  439.  #439Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:33 am

    RE 433 Ann I have to share though that that comes across as a bit codependent and controlling.

  440.  #440LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 6:35 am

    431: FW

    I would say the conversation was evenly exchanged, maybe slightly more geared toward me. He didn’t say it was all about me, although he made a point of telling me what kind of “partner/boyfriend” he would be. Little things like bringing lunch to work, things along those lines. It makes sense that he knows what women think, he has quite a few female friends and is close with his sister.

    Your advice on going slowly is exactly what I thought too. Exactly.

    Thanks FW, you are great and I love how you offer up a fresh way to look at things.

    (PS. see my avatar of the heart tree? He sent that to me along with a few others but I love this tree and he knew I would.)

  441.  #441Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:36 am


    SLV: I am happy for him to do as he pleases, just not at my or his own daughter’s expense. This man has serious and I mean SERIOUS financial issues that he is fixing. The deal was he can live with me and my daughter rent free to pay off his debt so we can move on and up in life TOGETHER. Not having money to pay for dates for US and taking great care of OUR relationship, not having money for his CHILD to have a wonderful time while she is here with us for a long weekend while we do not get to see her but every other weekend if we are lucky then going for 3 days on a ALL SINGLE GUYS but him trip that will cost MORE than $100 with the condo they are renting, taxi’s they will be taking, event tickets they will be attending and DRINKING they will be doing (all but my guy are HEAVY daily drinkers) but not having money for what should be TOP priorities in his life, his DAUGHTER’S happiness and our relationship scares the sh$% out of me. This is my issue.

  442.  #442Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:37 am

    RE 429 Do what works for you regarding the phone but my sense is that the texting will be excessive because he wants to send the message that he misses you because he knows you are unhappy about him being away. In other words he is partially giving you want you want in contact. You will seem unreasonable if you are still upset when he gets back after receiving so many texts. Personally I would want to be free of the contact so I could focus on my weekend. The texts might spoil it for you. It is a tacit agreement for him to share his good times with you. What if yours isn’t good?

  443.  #443Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:39 am

    @106: Josie says:
    :…dammit, how do you use emoticons on here?…”

    Which ones do you want? Here are a few.
    Apply all WITHOUT including spaces.

    : D = 😀

    : cry : = 😥

    : P = 😛

    : idea : = 💡


  444.  #444Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:45 am


    FW I’m sorry it came across that way. It’s not what I meant by it at all. I was married for 10 years to a man that we both went where we wanted whenever we wanted with no issue. Friends, away for weekends, whatever. What ended up happening is my ex husband took it to a whole new level. He was gone EVERY weekend with friends, never out with me or our daughter, then he started being away during the week as well. For about 4 – 5 years of my marriage, I rarely if ever saw him, did nothing but things with my daughter and I alone, he was never around at all and one day I woke up and said, wait a minute…..I’m married but in reality I’m ALREADY a single mother…..That’s when I filed for divorce, after talking to my ex about it several times of course and him refusing to grant his family any more time what so ever. I never meant to be controlling at all of anyone. And my reasons behind stating to any new man I date who asks what I’m looking for is to avoid this happening. I don’t want 24/7 with a man. I don’t. I understand everyone is an individual and needs and WANTS their own personal space and it is great for any relationship to have it and makes room to miss the other person and look forward to seeing them again. What I have a problem with is this man told me that he’s done with the partying with single guy friends, has no desire at all to be doing what they do any more, is looking to settle down and do a trip here or there with the friends every now and then, and his actions aren’t matching his words. He was on poker trips, fishing trips, golfing trips, bar trips every other weekend ALL SUMMER LONG. What he’s saying to me is NOT matching his actions. This is what concerns me. Am I being lead on?

  445.  #445Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:46 am

    RE 440 Ann the way you put it suggests he has his priorities skewed. He might be a slacker and you the rescuer in the relationship. Sorry to be so blunt. Until you set boundaries the relationship will not correct itself. As Carol Allen says relationships have rules; as Rori Raye says relationships is a 3rd entity that have needs of its own.

  446.  #446Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:48 am

    RE 443 Ann am I wrong or is there a pattern there? Is there any commonality between the two men and the two relationships?

  447.  #447Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Oh lord!! EXACTLY what I’m saying. What are his priorities? Mine are my daughter #1 over anything else EVER and my family, self relationships #2/#3. He has told me for the past 9 months he feels and IS the same….his actions aren’t matching!!! I am working this weekend on setting all the boundaries I need to set. And I will not be upset or still angry once this weekend is over. I will however probably hit the roof if he goes away again like this in a week or two and is still broke when it comes to his daughter or contributing to MY apartment that he lives in. I believe that would be a fair feeling to have. I am no one’s rescuer. If he’s clueless, it’s time to use my feelings and voice to help aid him in getting a clue…

  448.  #448Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:53 am

    @440: Ann says:
    “…This is my issue….”

    I understand. I also would not be in favor of the decisions he made regarding money. But now before you marry you know how he operates financially; that’s a good thing. Perhaps you two can work at something so you both are satisfied, perhaps you can’t but it’s better to know now than later.

    If he paid for everything would you be Ok with the trips? That’s a different issue. You two could work that out also. But perhaps you can’t control everything he does, what and how he provides for his daughter etc. You control a lot now by doing and paying; that might not always bring happiness. He can exercise some control by leaving and going on trips.

    All the best.


  449.  #449Ann on March 3, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Zero commonality between the two. I’ve had many cd’s between my divorce which was 5 years ago to finally get to the man im with now, they are night and day truly. I can tell you that my current BF is 5 years younger than my ex husband, not sure if that makes a wink of difference, to me it seems the younger the man the more they can’t give up wanting to “play” single at many times with the friends. But what the heck do I know. That’s why I’m on this site. Thank god for Rori….And thank you all for input and helping. I’d be lost without this advice here.

  450.  #450Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:55 am

    RE 439 Wasn’t sure what it was but now I see the tree. Please remember that guys take time to show themselves and we tend to assume we are in an instant relationship. People generally take up to 6 months to really let their guard down so you know who they really are. I sense that you might already be assuming that he knows you well, what do you think? How many dates have you been on and how long have you known him?

    Remember familiarity breeds contempt and guys like mystery and challenge. If he knows you too well too soon he could get bored and look for the next challenge. He has to be intrigued to keep wanting to come back for more. He should feel slightly off balance because he is not too sure of who you are and how you feel about him. Just that you should be open and warm to him so he feels unsure of himself in your presence.

  451.  #451Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Stepping away. I’ll try to catch upon last 100 posts…later.


  452.  #452Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Ann I see the many trips and continued absence from home as commonality, what do you think?

  453.  #453Senior Lady Vibe on March 3, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Ha! 😳

    Stepping away. I’ll try to catch up on last 100 posts…later.

  454.  #454Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 6:58 am

    RE 447 SLV you make a very good point about him paying for the trips and her being okay with it. It would be interesting to see how she experiences that.

  455.  #455Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:01 am

    RE 446 Ann, just to clarify; a feeling is a feeling is a feeling. If we think of fair feeling we are controling what we think/feel ourselves or others should feel. Does that make sense?

  456.  #456Ann on March 3, 2011 at 7:02 am


    SLV: YES!!! If he shared in the weight of maintaining a home with me, sharing in paying for dates even 50/50 I would tell him GO!! I love you and have a wonderful time!!! It’s the fact he EXPECTS me to pay for 4 people one of whom is his own daughter while I’m OUT OF WORK paying ALL bills except groceries, he takes me NO WHERE at all EVER and is going on this trip. It’s not very fair by any standards and doesn’t seem loving at all. I’m not trying to control anything about him. I’m sorry it’s coming across that way, it’s not what I’m meaning by any of this. Go away with friends by all means GO!! I’m glad to get time away from him, yes I truly am!!! But dammit, you aren’t taking care of your woman at ALL!!! I get to sit home with him all weekends and watch DVDs!!!! The GUYS get to go to AC for 3 days!!! What am I missing here??? he’s DATING the guys and treating me like less!!! That’s just how I feel.

  457.  #457Pamelala on March 3, 2011 at 7:08 am


    I hope that your weekend at your girlfriend’s house provides you with the space you need to really process what is going on, what you want and what action you need to take. I believe you’re getting really good feedback from the women here….as I read and have a thought, I read the feedback and it’s right there. So, I don’t feel the need to contribute in that way, but I was wondering how open you’d feel to stream-of-consciousness journalling about these questions:

    How do I want to feel with a man?
    What do I want in relationship with a man?
    What do I not want?
    What characteristics to I want in a step-dad for my daughter?
    How do I feel with THIS man?
    Does this man offer me what I want in relationship?
    Does this man have the characteristics of the man that I want to be the step-dad of my daughter?
    What part of me doesn’t believe that I deserve bettter?
    What part of me believes that he is the best that will ever come along?
    Who else have I allowed to take advantage of me?
    What do I ‘get’ from that? (Yes, you get something)
    Am I trading my worth and dignity just so that I can have a man?

    Also, an exercise that might be helpful:
    On a piece of lined paper, make 4 columns

    On the far left column, make a list of characteristics of this man…include as many as you can…reread your descriptions of him.

    Try to get at least 20 characteristics

    At the top of the other 3 columns, write the names of three people who were your major caregivers as a child (mom, dad, older brother, grandparent)

    Now, go down the list of characteristics and place an X in the other columns if the person whose name is at the top also has those characteristics (ie. bad with money…mom (no), dad (x), older brother (no))

    If you choose to do this exercise, come back to the board and I’ll tell you what to do next. I don’t want to share thtat part next so that I don’t skew the results of the exercise.

    Would you be willing to give it a shot?

    Also, this is the modified serenity prayer that we pray in our groups at work:

    God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
    The COURAGE to change the things I can
    The WISDOM to know the difference and
    The WILLINGNESS to take action

    That last part just might be the most important…nothing changes until you make a decision to take action (even if the action is leaning back)

    Bless you – I hope your weekend is refreshing and illumnating


  458.  #458Darling Ella on March 3, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Today…is a day of shift for me 🙂 I feel it!!!

    And it sure started well 🙂 Got a short/brief email from my imaginary bf…part of it had to do with something he asked me to take care of…

    but the other part, I just told him that I am moving on…cause I’ve got me enough lying, cheating, horrible treatment to last me a life time in this “relationship.”

    And so I send it…

    Within 5 minutes…guess who is calling??? from far away…? Him …Geez how prompt :)…I felt good not answering…

    And u know what, now I feel excited about darn it beginning to date big time…:)

    Tonite, is salsa club 🙂

    Yay!!! for me…

  459.  #459Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Ella “I keep getting an NV which puts this pic in my head of him getting with another woman, and then somehow being clean and them being happy together and me being left in the cold with no-one!”

    Is an imaginary story you are making up in your head. He heard you and knows what he needs to do. He cannot do that without being on his purpose.

  460.  #460Ann on March 3, 2011 at 7:09 am



    Yes, none of what he’s doing feels fair. So, now what. Am I wrong to feel it doesn’t feel fair? Do I just not care, stand my ground reiterate boundaries on this whole money nonsense and just move forward? Sounds like a plan to me. And as for the commonality of my current BF and ex husband, when I’m told by someone (current BF) that he’s not into taking 1000 guy trips all the time with zero time for his gf or relationship, I tend to believe what people tell me. Maybe that’s being naive, or a flaw I have, but I like to believe what people tell me is the TRUTH. So time will tell if this is truly just a 5 time a year thing only with these friends or will turn into the same as my ex husband. It scares me it’s already heading that way. But I’m trying to just go with the flow and lean back and SEE what happens. There’s nothing more I can do and it’s unfair to say it feels bad to him or any other things, I don’t want him to think I’m controlling him, it’s not my intention.

  461.  #461Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Pam I love reading your comments, it is such a blessing to have you here.

  462.  #462LilyBelle on March 3, 2011 at 7:14 am


    Oh No, I didn’t mean to give the impression that I felt he knew me really well. He just has taken some time to try to get to know more, moreso than previous dudes. The kind of questions he asks, make me think. I like that.

    “driving in a snowstorm and you have only two seats in your vehicle. You pull in to town and see three people standing at the bus stop. The buses have stopped running because of the storm..

    The three people at the bus stop, in this blinding snowstorm are:
    1. An elderly woman who needs to get to the hosipital before she dies.
    2. You very oldest and dearest friend who saved you from the brink of death and you can now pay her back.
    3. Your soumate, whom you have waited your whole life for.

    Who do you help?”

    This was one of the things he asked me the other night. I “hit another home run” with my response.


  463.  #463Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Ann we women tend to believe words because that is what we use to bond. Guys are about action. Actions speak louder than words when it come to men. You are not naive, you are normal and you are processing the situation.

    Feelings are sad, glad, happy. You are entitled to your feelings. What I was trying to point out is that you feel them, not think of whether they are or are not fair. They just are.

  464.  #464Ann on March 3, 2011 at 7:16 am


    Thank you, I will work on it and let you know how it turns out. I am looking forward to my girl weekend and time to sort out my feelings which are all over the place right now. And yes, I have an unending pattern of being used by men. I truly truly truly thought this man was different. He stated for the first 4 months together he had a great job and was completely totally financially secure and I thought Finally! Turns out that wasn’t true. Another part of why I’m upset, he’s said quite a bit to me that turned out in month 7 and 8 not to be true. I felt blindsided and am still dealing with it. Thank you!!

  465.  #465Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:18 am

    RE 461 I am curious about which was your response. It seems he was also testing your values.

  466.  #466Pamelala on March 3, 2011 at 7:20 am


    “It’s not fair,” is a victim stance. In my eyes, it says, “He’s doing this TO me.” Really, as an adult, you get to decide what you will and will not allow. Instead, can you come to the issue from the stance of an empowered adult, rather than a victim? Can you flip it to say, “This is not how I want to be, I won’t allow it.” (This is re: the financial situation…I believe that focussing on the AC trip situation is merely a diversion from the actual issues).

    By setting boundaries and saying to yourself, “I am the woman. It is not my place to be rescuer. It is not my place to be the financial provider for a man who is not stepping up. I will take care of myself, set boundaries, and allow him to SHOW me if he is willing to be the man in this relationship,” you will put yourself in the position of self-empowerment. Then, if he is not that man, would you be willing to let him go?

    Also, believe what he DOES. Talk is cheap and easy. Actions show a man’s heart.


  467.  #467Turtle Girl on March 3, 2011 at 7:23 am


    This guy sound like he is basically using you. I am wondering what you are getting out of it? Why are you with him?

    Nothing in his behaviors indicates he cares. And you said “all my guys are daily heavy drinkers”.
    Do you want to be with a man who does this?

    Seriously? Have you asked yourself what you are doing?

    I have been down this road with men before more than once. Rori says we hire them to beat us up.

    I had to suffer endlessly before I finally woke up and realized what was really going on. Denial is a powerful thing. We hope against hope that what we know logically is bad for us will somehow change. And it doesn’t. It only changes when we become the change and set boundaries and insist that we care about our own life. Actions speak must louder than words. Talk to me is cheap. What a person does says everything.

  468.  #468Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:24 am

    I am in total agreement with 465 and it is said better than I could have said it.

  469.  #469Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:26 am

    RE 466 TG that was what I was thinking also. I believe though that Ann has had some success with Rori’s tool. The only thing I have not seen thus for is taking responsibility for what is happening. She is the common denominator in all her relationships and need to look at how she is contributing to what is happening is my sense but it feels harsh to say it to someone when they are hurting.

    Hugs Ann.

  470.  #470Ann on March 3, 2011 at 7:27 am



    I keep falling into victim mode, I’m so trying to stop that. I don’t mean to. It’s like a child having a tantrum. ICK. Yes that was my goal for this weekend from the time I planned it. To come back with boundaries regarding financial things that are the true issue, not the trip which is exactly as you say merely a diversion. And I will most certainly be willing to let him go in a heart beat if he can’t step up. And yes, it confuses and scares me when a man’s words and actions conflict as his do time and time again. I’ve said this out loud in feeling messages to him before also. His actions seem to show he’s literally using me and may even leave to give everything to someone else once he’s financially stable once again. Yuck.

  471.  #471Ann on March 3, 2011 at 7:30 am


    He’s not a heavy drinker, his FRIENDS are. I’ve never been with a heavy drinker before, I only seem to attract men who need mothers or rescuing from finances. HAHAHAH I’m setting some serious boundaries, from a GOOD place, not an angry hurt or victim place after this weekend. Only time will tell if he can step up. If not, what a shame. But I can and will let him go. Life is way too short to do this silly dance. If you’re not my one, NEXT!!!

  472.  #472Femininewoman on March 3, 2011 at 7:31 am

    RE 469 Ann Big hugs to you. Take care of yourself. This is good self-reflection and you can use the time away to focus on yourself so that when he returns he second guesses himself, if that is what he is really planning to do.

  473.  #473Alonka on March 3, 2011 at 7:31 am


    I’m not playing for the other side and I agree with a lot of what was said here – didn’t even have a chance to catch up on everything.
    here is a consideration
    he knows that he doesn’t have money for this trip and prob won’t have it for a long time. Yet it’s almost like ‘I really really want to go, all my buddies are going, I can’t tell them I don’t have money, I’ll just do it’. Yes, childish and irresponsible, but almost in a sense ‘not spending this money is not gonna save me much, so who cares, I’ll do it this one time’.

  474.  #474Ann on March 3, 2011 at 7:32 am

    I am responsible for all of it. I allow everything that’s ever happened in relationships to happen. I’m too giving, too nice, too quick to offer things. It’s a hard thing to change. I know I shouldn’t feel bad or be angry for what I’ve done to myself and allowed to happen. That’s why I’m on this site ALL the time!! HAHAHAH LOL