Be Your Heart And Get HIS Heart

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This fabulous letter is from Pamela Tames, who has a great site http://SeasonedSex.com – and to me – it just speaks so powerfully about how we all go to our “Default” position when we don’t feel comfortable – and how getting aware of what that is for each of us, and using my Tools to experiment with different ways to go “Off Default” – no matter WHAT you think of the results when you first try exploring and experiencing something new – is the way to go here:

I Am My Heart from Pamela Tames:

I spend a lot of time blogging about sexiness. Deep down though I know the more important question is how to do relationships well. Which is why I’m such a Rori Raye devotee. Recently something she wrote in her email newsletter bridged the themes of sexiness and relationships and taught me an important lesson in being myself.

It started with my birthday dinner about a month ago. Half a dozen girlfriends got together at a restaurant including my best friend, Susan. Susan is a professional mom, which means she rarely gets out. This was the first time she was meeting my other friends.

For whatever reason, the group didn’t mesh. I kept thinking our energies would all come together and flow with conversation and laughter but at the last minute, the group kept unraveling. Susan and I left last, walking to our cars arm in arm.

“I’m sorry,”I said, “That didn’t go the way I thought it would. My friends are so different.”

“You didn’t seem yourself,” said Susan. She went on to explain how I seemed to be trying to hard to keep my friends in shock and awe with my sexual adventurer act.

“It’s like you’re afraid to let people see the real you, “Susan summed up. “The real you I know and love.”

I gave her a big hug and thought how lucky I was to have such a loving, honest friend. I’d always struggled with being authentic. I knew she had a point. For whatever reason, I hadn’t been comfortable all night. I had jumped my favorite facade–sexy vixen (albeit now middle-aged).

Flash forward to a Rori Raye’s email newsletter. I’m reading about how to attract men. Towards the end she writes about the heart. I suddenly got it.

It was like the word, “heart,” exploded to life and jumped out of my computer.

The heart is like a magnet with great powers of attraction. My habit of hiding behind masks (or who I thought I should be) was having the effect of blocking my heart’s power. It was as though my heart was hidden behind a lead veil. Nothing got in and nothing got out. As a result, most of my decisions were made in my head, out of fear and insecurity.

Of course, I’ve read all the stuff about the heart and how so many of us live in our heads, our mausoleums of useless ideas. Reading Rori that day, it all just clicked.  I saw how it’s just a choice, as easy as saying I’ll have the bacon and eggs today, not the pancakes. I’ll feel love, not fear.

Cut to the relationship. I’d been in on-again, off- again mode with my boyfriend of over a year. We’d have the same fight, yell the same things, wear each other down, and storm off in our separate directions. All this heart stuff had happened after our last break up, which lasted a month. And then somehow, we got back together.

This time the relationship felt lighter, easier, and freer. I wasn’t torturing him with made up rules in my head and lists of do’s and don’ts. I was just enjoying him, who he was. I was just feeling, not thinking.

I turned to him and massaged his neck as we sat side by side at a Sushi counter.

“You’re like a different person to me,”I said in a whisper. “You’ve transformed into a wonderful man.”

He smiled. “Thank you.”

“Do I seem different to you, too?” I asked curiously.

“Yes,”he said without hesitation. “I feel love. I feel accepted.”

“You didn’t feel that before?”I said.

“No,”he said looking me in the eyes. “I knew it but I didn’t feel it. Feeling it changes everything.”

“I am so glad,”I said beaming. “I feel so happy just being me.”

Thank you, Rori, for showing me the most important relationship is the one with my heart.

***First, Thank You, Pamela, for this gorgeous letter, and for opening up this discussion – I’m going to work a lot with this concept of our DEFAULT POSITION. The emotional and reactive place we go to whenever we feel triggered and uncomfortable.

I know that mine is to first feel sad and a sense of loss and fear and insecurity – then I jump to anger and vengeance and an “I-don’t-care-about-you” independence, then I work my way through to a general feeling of love and okayness for myself and everyone else who was there when I got triggered, or whose consistent behavior is finally triggering me. (My husband, of course, because he’s the one who’s always there…).

So – let’s talk about this.  What is YOUR Default Position? What do you GO TO, a part of your personality that feels “safe” to you – when you’re feeling Triggered and uncomfortable?  – and we’ll work together through all your comments and answers.

Love, Rori , and Thank You again, Pamela

38 Comments

  1.  #1Cookie on January 26, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Ok i guess i will be the first, so i realized that my default position is feeling attacked or afraid or anxious, getting defensive, shutting down physically, trying to get a tough shell, running it over a million times in my head, brain overflows into a thousand different questions, never being satified with the answer, feeling tired and drained, telling myself I don’t care anymore, then feeling sad and miserable. This plays out in every unpleasant interaction i have with my guy. He’s the only one I can reference right now, cuz he’s the only long term relationship i ever had.



  2.  #2Reshi on January 26, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Thanks Cookie, you said it so well I don’t have to say it. My default position is everything Cookie said, and then I blame the guy and put him down.



  3.  #3gina on January 26, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    I get cold and cut off. if I’m really triggered, I’m mean and judgemental. I get competitive and want to “win.” At this point, the relationship will end, because I decide that I do not care to connect with this person ever again, and I want to destroy them as much as I can before i go. Wow! that’s intense. Btw, I’ve never had a real relationship. hmmm…wonder why.



  4.  #4Tina on January 26, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Rori,
    I am in a different part of the world now. I came here to visit my family. I have nt heard from my (ex) boyfriend for a while. Atleast, he didnt make the first move. I contacted him once when I was flying and couple weeks back and now.

    This is what my email says: “I feel like writing to you. How are you? I miss talking to you. ”

    Am I doing th right thing? Doesnt he feel like writing to me once. He only responds to what I write.

    Tina



  5.  #5heartbeat on January 27, 2009 at 12:42 am

    I love this analogy – ‘default position’. Mine is feeling scared and insecure. It starts in my body, tightening in my stomach and breath. I feel rigid and my head fills with fear thoughts, and I feel self-conscious and judge myself.

    This feels like the truth for me too – “the relationship felt lighter, easier, and freer. I wasn’t torturing him with made up rules in my head and lists of do’s and don’ts. I was just enjoying him, who he was.”

    Absolutely!!

    I hardly get the panic feeling these days, so maybe I have a new default. Or will have. It feels like I could still get into that place I described above but I feel more attracted to feeling good. I’ve no iinterest in feeling puffed up and powerful around men either. Men are just men, some of them damn sexy rargh! some we can be friends with. Some men trigger me more than others, it’s not their fault.

    Things are going grrrrreat fior me at the moment 🙂



  6.  #6Tracy on January 27, 2009 at 3:44 am

    my dafault position is i feel insecure and helpless..i lways feel like i want to fight back prove my worth then i feel hopeless and i turn away…
    wow that feels relieving……….this is a great topic rori!
    i always feel that whenever i get triggered by this sense of insecurity i want to cover it up i am scared of showing the real me so end up making up stories try smiling to show i am okay…pretending i am doing well but in essence i am dying inside…i just want to be me…sink in my lonely feelings my sad feelings my insecure feelings…its really a relief to realize that other women go through the same thing…would love to have a tool for this rori!



  7.  #7PRPG on January 27, 2009 at 3:48 am

    My default position is basically what you, Rori, described “…to first feel sad and a sense of loss and fear and insecurity – then I jump to anger and vengeance and an “I-don’t-care-about-you” independence” and also the way Cookie described it. I always thought I was a nut or loser, the only woman who just didnt “get” how to be with a guy successfully. Now i know its about what I want/need too! oh and what Pamela said bout the rules and list of do’s and don’ts in her head….exactly.and it does drain you, sometimes ZI just wish I could switch my mind off, because I Know I can think too much, which leads to questions, questions, questions and he just wants to run a mile.

    wow, thanks guys, this is a great forum to discuss when you dont know who to talk to….i feel better already knowing im not alone, and I have the power to make a change. Today. =)



  8.  #8heartbeat on January 27, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Yes Tracy – and it’s the racing thoughts that get to me when I’m feeling really anxious. I find accepting my anxiety and noticing how it feels in my body, and then accepting, loving that I feel that, really helps. It stops all the words whizzing round and round.



  9.  #9cookie on January 27, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Yes, I think my other default position when I’m triggered by other women in his life is a combination of a few people where I feel insecure, then I start panicking, then I start clamming up again but my feelings show up on my face and in my body language anyway, then i go out into how special I am, and i start measuring him up against all my qualities (judgment), then it feels like i’m competing (which I never realized) in my mind like I can do better than him or he won’t ever find another woman like me or he’s so lucky i even deal with him, then I might say something really mean or just attack him with whatever is going on in my mind about what is doing wrong (he has even said that I’m a bully). I never thought of myself as being a bully because it seems in my life people have taken advantage of me. But I guess like all bullies, i attack because of my own insecurities or pain. Wow, this is really deep. I actually thought I was amazing as is. Something more to accept and love about myself I guess. Lol.



  10.  #10Samat on January 27, 2009 at 9:42 am

    I feel scared that I have lost something and I wont be able to do anything in life. I feel I am a disgrace and I will never be able to live up to expectations. I feel really scared.



  11.  #11Prescilla on January 27, 2009 at 10:29 am

    My default position used to be becoming “cold and hard” when I became triggered and uncomfortable. I would shut someone out immediately and treat them in a frosty manner. I think that was my way of protecting myself because I let my walls down to accept that person into my life; now I’m disappointed and hurt. I’ve learned a softer approach. I let things go and may be a little sad, even insecure and afraid that I’ve got to start over and run the risk of being hurt again. I know this has been my way of shielding myself from being hurt, but I have never liked it. I am really glad I’m learning how to feel the pain, absorb it, love it, and let it go.



  12.  #12Daria on January 27, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    I’m not quite sure what my default position is. It is kind of like Rori’s. I feel sad and scared and then disconnect from the person and then feel a defensive anger and an I don’t care about you independence, I feel frozen in my face and in my entire right shoulder and arm (or sometimes my left). I feel paranoid and attacked.



  13.  #13Cassandra on February 3, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    I am not totally sure what mine is either. I know that I first get sad and then immediately angry but not usually at the situation…I ALWAYS turn in around onto ME! I get into an awful place where I feel like what you said Samat…..like I am a disgrace and will never haver anything good nor do I deserve it. I also feel at those moments that ‘I don’t care about anything/ you’ about whomever it is that hurt me but then that disipates rather quickly and that is when it is all turned around onto me. I get this ‘I quit mentality’. WOW! That just hit me! If I look back into several of my posts when Charles ahs triggered me that is exaclty where I go and it isproven in some of my darker posts! Lightbulb moment! YAY….I see that now that all of that is nothing but the NV!! It is interesting though that those horrible messages toward myself are so hurtful and hateful really but that THAT seems to be my safe place?! Wow…that can’t be a good thing….I guess I need to find a NEW safe place.
    Love and hugs to all….xoxoxo
    Cassandra



  14.  #14ssgren on March 8, 2009 at 10:30 am

    I have felt and done most of the things that so many of you have described above, and realise how counterproductive they have been. My issue now is this:
    having recently and suddenly been told by my fiance “sorry, it just didn’t work out” after more than 9 years together, I feel I could have put just that little bit more effort into my behavior/reactions a la Rori (whose tips I’ve only just discovered). All of these would have meant only small, but cumulatively positive changes, but now I’ve lost the love of my life and feel daunted at the prospect of “moving on”.



  15.  #15Rori Raye on March 8, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Welcome ssgren, and don’t let feeling “daunted” get in your way. After 9 years, I don’t want you to let any more time go by. Get out and Circular Date – it will cure you of your old patterns and help you move forward both out in the world and inside yourself much, much more quickly and effortlessly. Use all the Tools here and in my ebook especially (it’s the foundation for everything you see here) – and I know you’ll get tremendous help just from reading and sharing with the wonderful women commenting here.
    (So many “here’s” – must mean let’s all tune into being present…) Love, Rori



  16.  #16Naomi on July 23, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Default position……that’s an interesting phrase and quite suitable! As soon as I’m triggered, I instantly turn off my cell phones and tell myself “I don’t care…if this is what you want then do you.’ BUT The truth is, I really don’t mean any of that. Yes, I may truly be angry and hurt at that particular time, but it’s as if the anger and pain consume me and I immediatly shut down. However, after a couple days of “shut down” mode, then I find myself in “longing” mode………..literally longing to reconcile and just “forget” about what caused us to disagree The truth is, in my particular situation – we are talking about a 22 year old relationship (I”m 37 year old) , which has resulted in 3 children (our first born passed away as an infant – this was the most traumatic and heart wrenching experience of our lives)………..my “husband” has had numerous sexcapades (as I refer to them) and actually became involved with a woman about 7 years ago (who is 1 years younger than I am) and she had his child. For two years, he denied that he was the father of the child and so did she. They continued to carry on their affair……….I finally packed my children up and left him. About nine months after moving out, we started to reconcile butit was so difficult for me to get past everything. We wound up separating again, and he ran right back to her, and he believed (and still does) that I got involved with his friend. I didn’t. Recently, we have been trying again…………we always seem to be moving forward and happy and then BOOM he reverts right back to the same old nonsense – going MIA for a day or two – things like that………………I know I must sound crazy for even saying that I’m trying again, but the truth is I do love him very much and I love to see my children so happy when we’re all together. I only wish I could find the strength to stop always doing the same old things I do…………I somehow “accept” the nonsense because I have yet to find an effective way to address it. I realize that doing the same old thing will yield the same old results…………I wish I could find a new way……………



  17.  #17bella on August 13, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    wow. i thought it was just me…but my default position is so very similar. deep sadness, hurt, and a sense that things will always follow this cycle of good times and then bad times, with the default position being a position i find myself in over and over again. i wonder if it’s him who’s the problem, the cause of it all, or if it’s me, or both. i pray there’s a better way.
    just knowing there is a ‘default position’ and giving it a name helps, though…



  18.  #18Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 1:59 am

    I am not sure how I feel and if these are the right words – but unappreciated, lost, scared, hopeless, guilty -yes guilty of doing something wrong, not giving him what he needed – yes guilt is the thing I feel when it is him who should feel guilty – yet at the same time I wondering what I could do to work it out and I think I am doing all the wrong things – he is worth it really he is and he is having issues too and I’d like to help but know he needs to work on it himself and there is no way for me to help him by telling him – so anyway I am not sure how I feel or what I feel



  19.  #19Tracey on September 23, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    I never thought of this before in such a clear light. Of course I have thought about it because when I am in this “default position” that’s all I can do is THINK! But never so clearly or about what it is that I am actually FEELING. Just question after question, thought after thought, usually; am I doing this right? what am I doing wrong? what’s he thinking? why doesn’t he call? is he going to propose anytime in the future? what does he think of me? is he happy? is he happy with me? what can I do to make him happier? on and on…. I guess all of those thoughts make me sound pretty insecure which of course I try not to project when I am with him but now that I think of it, how can I not?!
    I usually become so scared of any of this coming out that I become mute which can’t be much fun.
    I’m going to vow that whenever these thoughts start coming in I will shout STOP! and remind myself to “BE” in the moment and to not worry. Or is that not doing enough? Jeesh! I’m so worried I’ll scare him away!



  20.  #20Rori Raye on September 24, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Tracey – you’ve got it. It’s what’s going on inside you, and how aware you are of it and what you do with it. It has nothing to do with trying to get a result from him. Love, Rori



  21.  #21Donna on September 29, 2009 at 11:40 am

    This is a great post!!
    I am discovering myself through Rori’s wonderful posts.. thank you Rori!
    When I’m feeling triggered and uncomforatable.. my default position is to withdraw and go silent, then to have the independant stance. I have been trying to be more in touch with my feelings, with feeling messages, and to be honest, the feeling messages at first make me uncomfortable because I’m not used to feeling all my feelings out in the open, leave alone say them, or write them. But once I say what I’m feeling there is this sense of relief.. and softening within me.. and it feels great.
    At the end of a message to my guy, I would normally say “kisses”.. but i tried something different and said.. “feel like kissing you”.. i felt silly to message this, but it once i said it, it was different.. it feels liberating!



  22.  #22Rori Raye on September 29, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Donna, Welcome – and BRAVA! to YOU! just keep doing what you’re doing and feeling liberated and good. Love, Rori



  23.  #23Alison on October 14, 2009 at 6:24 am

    It feels so good to feel instead of think. When I am triggered it feels like i have left my body and someone else has taken over my voice and my actions. It’s one thing to understand mentally that Im being triggered but when I feel myself drifting off, my forehead gets warm, my neck gets tight and my brain starts running. Its like a generator.
    It just automatically switches on. It really feels that way. Barroooom! The sound is so loud that it drowns out my feelings.I’ve always hated the way that feels and have been unable to understand what was happening to me until now. Pulling out the plug, switching it off automatically helps me feel grounded. Im so gratefull to all of you for helping me get through this. I feel scared that I will never find another man and that is a big one for me. I’m 47 with a young child and divorced for two years. Its a challenge for me not to panic. This is hard work and I need all the tools. When I say to myself “use the tools” it feels better. Thank you Rori for this priceless education!! I will be teaching it to my daughter.



  24.  #24Jessie on November 6, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Its really hard to have normal reactions with my babys daddy–I used to be so stuck on him, his looks, the dream of us being together as a family. We would go along great, he would chase me, we would do family things with our little boy then his friends would have a party and he would disappear for days, weekends, never call, forget to his arrangements with our son, act cold and angry with me when I would cry and try to talk to him. One day, I got sick of it all and went to his house in a taxi and he wasnt home. I wandered around and when I went back I saw his lights were on and loud music was coming out of his back deck. When I knocked, his friend came to the door and told me to get lost. I persisted, stupidly and Jay came to the door and spit on me and pushed me back really hard and shut the door on my face. I never forgot the look on his face–that was the end of our long two year engagement. Now, from that ugly lesson, I never pursue a guy. When I feel pressured or jealous, I quit.

    Why? I never want to go through that humiliation and pain and I have even dumped nice guys for no reason, just because I was scared to get hurt and things were not going along as smooth as I would like. My friends tell every guy that I am a heart breaker and cold and closed up or that I am a Feminist and I hate men.

    Some days I wonder if I will ever get over this terrible heartbreak and I keep taking out my hurt on innocent guys and on myself because the hurt is so much for me.



  25.  #25Rori Raye on November 6, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Jessie, Welcome and thank you so much for this…I’d like to jump off onto a post…Love, Rori



  26.  #26Melissa on July 15, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    I get super defensive and it becomes so important to “fix” the way my man feels about me. He may not necessarily be making a comment to put me down (which he says he would never do) but my head starts spinning thinking about what I can say to make him understand better. I act like I really care what he thinks about me. I don’t want to care. I just want to be me. I don’t want to get so defensive. Then my words turn crazy and I start feeling out of control and I start asking a lot of questions about what he means just so I can make sure I am understanding what he is saying…I suppose to be able to further explain myself. I love Donna’s change in words. I also do the “kisses” text. I am going to try her idea instead next time while I am noticing how I am feeling and making a u-turn in how I respond. Respond not react.



  27.  #27Shelly on September 3, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Ok, I got Triggered!!! (Yippee) A few of the men I have been circular dating with have asked me to do masculine energy things!!! Like asking me to make the reservations, what else can I plan for us to do on the date, and one even asked me if I would ask him out???? I don’t want to be the planner or masculine energy. How can I handle this? The one who asked me out I just told him that I wasn’t comfortable with that. I’m old fashioned. I’ve been in situations where a man has asked me what kind of food I like or what’s my favorite. These situations I can handle. I just say what I feel like eating or etc… I just am not sure how to handle when a date asks me to plan, make reservations, or plan the whole date!!! Anyone else been in this situation?? I’m afraid that my masculine side will take over!!!



  28.  #28Diana on October 15, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    First of all I want to say I love reading everything on this site.. Some I related too, some I am so envious of.. I have always been a mind over heart person. I chose that because I felt it was weak to go with the heart and it would increase the possibility of getting hurt or used.. And I always wondered why I had difficultly really connecting with a man.. Hmmm… Rori your programs have begun to change something in me and inspire things inside that I never knew existed.. Emotions I can actually FEEL.. Since its been awhile, most are overwhelming right now.. but I know they will balance out..and I am grateful for them all, even the tough ones.. because I can say that no matter the feeling and its intensity, its the first time I feel actually ALIVE in my adult life..
    So in regards to the post 🙂 My default position is the same.. Feel sad or angry…then blame him for the behavior not changing… getting independent and realizing I dont need this and lookin for a way out and away from the uncomfortableness of not feeling loved..



  29.  #29pamela thompson on June 10, 2011 at 6:14 am

    i been friends with a man since dec,any way we fibnally got to going out in april,we went to meet the whole of his family,he was lovey,texted me about ten times a day,saw him almost every night,then at almost five weeks he said it was going too fast and he didnt want to leave it as hed never see me again tho.He invited me round for a cuppa when we bumoped into each other the other week,then texted me a couple of days later,then i went off my own back.now hes saying hes having trouble getting over his exd of one year,they wre on and off for a year,ghe doesnt want her back but iots just hard,after two weeks ive left him to it,no textzs notheng as on sunday he said if i wanted occassional fun tythat was fine,i thought no way its all or nothing,he was so sure he wanted us at first,now i dont know,but hel have no respect for me the other way,not going to happen,any advice would be greatkly appreciated xx



  30.  #30T. T. on August 9, 2011 at 3:50 am

    Hi all ~ I just emailed this to my new boyfriend of two months who has gone from being crazy about me to going on a 2nd week of not wanting to see me, except for what I believe was a selfish “benefit fuck” this last weekend (OUCH! So painful to admit now that I can see it. (and I think he may have started seeing someone else, not sure. but we dont have a commitment between us, he’s never made any declaration, so I believe our “exclusivity” he agreed to 3-4 months ago is meaningless.).
    I have been very insecure these last 2 months…. something in his behavior has been/is rightly triggering me though. He’s lost his excitement for me. This has been triggering me GREATLY!
    So, I have also been very insecure these last 2 months, and have “chased” him off by behaving in my DEFAULT (which is in my email to him below)…its my fault. But to be compassionate & fair to myself, I didnt know what I do now, what Ive learned in the last week from all of Rori’s & everyone else’s writtings. Here is what I emailed (and I dont think I’ll get a response back….but its NOT about HIM, is it):

    Good morning ~ for whatever reason you were online so early, looks like I just missed you. I hope its a good day for you at work today.

    I am writing this early because I wanted to share something with you (as hard as this is for me to do)… take it for what its worth to you, I hope is worth something:

    At times I feel afraid. When I feel afraid, I feel insecure. When I feel insecure, I put up defenses, like “distancing my heart” & shutting it down.

    I’m feeling a bit weird & confused right now.
    I have noticed that there’s been some “distancing” going on between us. My ‘old stuff’ [insecurities] is being triggered & is coming up, and I can feel myself not wanting to put energy/effort out until I feel more secure.

    I think I finally get what you’ve been meaning when you’ve been saying, “you analyze too much.” ~ I AM “in my head” too much…… instead of just “being” in the moment, the here & now, and just enjoying…
    feeling what there is to feel & enjoy. Ive been worryin too much about the rules, out of fear of being hurt or used [–thats the old stuff I mentioned above].

    I want to be able to freely give honesty, trust, & respect, and I expect it in return….it has to be mutual.

    Comments are VERY MUCH wanted….
    I care so very much about him…it hurts to see him walking away. Did I make a mistake in my action of send him an email or in saying what I said to him?? This is new pioneering ground for me with no role-model, except all of you, as we learn together. (imagine a counselor having these types of issues! Yes, even counselors do! But who else to best help others, right?)

    T.T.



  31.  #31T. T. on August 9, 2011 at 4:21 am

    ….an after thought ~~ I think I also had a secret agenda & hope that sharing the email I sent to my boyfriend of 4 months would/might make a difference. In reality, he will still do what he wants to do.
    I know that acting out this motive was/is wrong.
    and, on the other hand, I also did it for myself, to state what I was feeling, wanted/expected, and dont want, expect…. it was an exercise in self expression, identifying/clarifying, and declaring….all new to me to practice for my self in my life personally ~~ a far cry from KNOWING it what’s to be done, directing others to do it, and doing it in your own life.

    🙂 T.T.



  32.  #32T. T. on August 9, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Hi all ~ I just emailed this to my new boyfriend of 5 months who has gone from being crazy about me to going on a 2nd week of not wanting to see me, except for what I believe was a selfish “benefit f*ck” this last weekend (OUCH! So painful to admit now that I can see it). And I think he may have started seeing someone else, not sure. but we dont have a commitment between us, he’s never made any declaration, so I believe our “exclusivity” he agreed to 3-4 months ago is meaningless, and makes me feel like Im cheating because Im starting to see other men, and I havent told him because I dont know what to say.
    I have been very insecure these last 2 months…. something in his behavior has been/is rightly triggering me though. He’s lost his excitement for me. This has been triggering me GREATLY!
    So, I have also been very insecure these last 2 months, and have “chased” him off by behaving in my DEFAULT (which is in my email to him below)…its my fault. But to be compassionate & fair to myself, I didnt know what I do now, what Ive learned in the last week from all of Rori’s & everyone else’s writtings. Here is what I emailed (and I dont think I’ll get a response back….but its NOT about HIM, is it):

    Good morning ~ for whatever reason you were online so early, looks like I just missed you. I hope its a good day for you at work today.

    I am writing this early because I wanted to share something with you (as hard as this is for me to do)… take it for what its worth to you, I hope is worth something:

    At times I feel afraid. When I feel afraid, I feel insecure. When I feel insecure, I put up defenses, like “distancing my heart” & shutting it down.

    I’m feeling a bit weird & confused right now.
    I have noticed that there’s been some “distancing” going on between us. My ‘old stuff’ [insecurities] is being triggered & is coming up, and I can feel myself not wanting to put energy/effort out until I feel more secure.

    I think I finally get what you’ve been meaning when you’ve been saying, “you analyze too much.” ~ I AM “in my head” too much…… instead of just “being” in the moment, the here & now, and just enjoying…
    feeling what there is to feel & enjoy. Ive been worryin too much about the rules, out of fear of being hurt or used [–thats the old stuff I mentioned above].

    I want to be able to freely give honesty, trust, & respect, and I expect it in return….it has to be mutual.

    Comments are VERY MUCH wanted….
    I care so very much about him…it hurts to see him walking away. Did I make a mistake in my action of send him an email or in saying what I said to him?? This is new pioneering ground for me with no role-model, except all of you, as we learn together. (imagine a counselor having these types of issues! Yes, even counselors do! But who else to best help others, right?)

    T.T.



  33.  #33T. T. on August 9, 2011 at 10:33 am

    ….well, I DID indeed get a response / reply back from my boyfriend(?) ~~
    he said, “I don’t know what to say.”

    Was that a good response? Should it have been more? Should it have been different? (I wasn’t expecting one to begin with.) Is that a response of someone who’s “detached” or who’s distanced himself? This is all so very NEW to me, so I don’t know.

    All this is a struggle, but I am proud of my self….
    with all my wild feelings flying around all over the place, from one extreme end of the spectrum to the other, I STEPPED BACK, “ANCHORED” myself, took a DEEP BREATH (several in fact!), ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE “IN THE MOMENT” & just “FEEL” what my feelings were at each moment, AND REFUSED ACT on or give in to those panicky anxious feelings of insecurity!!! YEA ME!!!! 🙂

    I must confess it all feels so very awkward & strange…. I live for the day when it won’t fell so any longer. 🙂

    Thank you Rori!!!



  34.  #34T. T. on August 9, 2011 at 10:45 am

    PS: thank you, Rori, for helping me begin my journey of breaking a life-time of co-dependency, dysfunction, and the “cycle of victimization”!! 🙂
    I am feeling this strange excited knot deep down in my gut since yesterday, and hasn’t gone away.
    It feels weird….is it normal? It all feels so strange & awkward, like I’m doing something “bad” or “wrong”.

    T.T.



  35.  #35Femininewoman on August 9, 2011 at 11:01 am

    TT you sound so strong and like you are taking care of yourself. I would lean back now and let the chips fall where they may.



  36.  #36T. T. on August 9, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Thank you FeminineWoman 😀
    I very much plan to….and in so doing, I am taking a lesson in allowing myself to feel vulnerable. (he COULD be using me, and, if so, then does that make me appear stupid or weak, so that further treats me badly? Where does one draw the line? How will I recognize that line or WHEN it will need to be drawn?) Taking this journey drown the road of ALLOWING myself to “feel” vulnerable isVERY UNCOMFORTABLE(!!!), but it IS where I am & what I am feeling right now…. and I realize now….its OK!
    I am expending entirely to much energy over it, over him, over what I can’t control, what is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!!!!
    IF I see he behavior &/or treatment of me worsen or he drifts further away with all the excuses….I WILL end it!!! I love & value myself too much now!! I love myself enough to “anchor” myself & do it… AND then ALLOW myself to feel the hurt & cry those tears…..then heal…then proudly pick myself back up.
    But, do it, I WILL!! 🙂

    T.T.



  37.  #37T. T. on August 10, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Here ia a copy of what I send to my boy friend…..
    (yes, I know it’s too long & probably smacks of insecurity, feedback on it would be greatly appreciated!!)

    I WROTE:

    I feel cheated….lol
    you got on here at 10pm after I responded to your txt “good night” at 9:30…
    and you didnt leave ME no email or txt msg.
    What’s going on???

    Seriously though, there is still something….
    I still feel bothered & unimportant.
    I’ll try to explain why….

    I am watching as it seems your attention is going
    elsewhere….on what is the question.
    I wouldn’t mind, Im a big girl~~I can handle it,
    if you SAY that is what’s going on & how it is.
    Yes, I know, you’ve said we’ve already talked about it & settled it…and I thought we had to. But, because it is still continuing, it is still bothering me.
    I’ll try to explain…..

    Do you know Im NOT sure how you even feel about me? especially after observing these past two weeks.
    I feel confused. Yes, I said I would not pressure you,
    but I DO require up-front-ness. I know you txt & call
    every day….However, I also notice some changes.

    Are you aware that the distance is making me feel like Im just a casual friend, who you lay once a week with no emotional attachment…. this is how it feels to me. Here it is from my point of view as a woman:

    In our 5 months of knowing each other and being in a relationship with you…. these last 2-3 weeks I have observed big changes…. yes, I know you have given general reasons for why, but you havent given even a general idea of how long this might go on for… you’ve been vague with me.

    However, here it is from my point of view…
    you haven’t cared to want to see me except for Sundays it seems. (4 times a month? that makes it feel like gratuitous sex, just a “lay” like Im a “friend with benefits”). I remember the days when you couldn’t wait to see me, even made efforts to squeeze me in during the days a couple of times, and whenever you could during week nights, you couldn’t see enough of me. What’s changed?
    (IF it has changed ~ but I wouldn’t know, cause you’ve never said.)

    However, in these past few weeks you have more than doubled the amount of time you get on POF….
    more than the past 5 month put together.
    (yes, I know Im on here too, however to my awareness, my amount of time has not changed & has remained consistent for me over the past 5 months, it hasnt changed.) You stated you’re just checking email, which means these past couple weeks there has suddenly been more mail coming in from someone. And this is your business. Just pointing out how things are appearing to
    me from my point of view, and from where I stand, and how its making me feel.

    Now, add to that the fact that, in these last 2-3 weeks, you havent wanted to see me, havent even expressed one word, thought or sentence that you have even wanted to, or have missed me, or want to see me but cant for this or that reason, and have been non-committal about when you are going to be able to see me when I have asked you….
    No more terms of endearments ~ you stopped those a while ago. (yes, I noticed.) And “kid” does NOT qualify as a term of endearment…it is a term used when you dont feel close to or think in a close manner with someone. That’s why your polite formal communications are confusing to me. They convey nothing more than friendship. And there’s
    nothing wrong with that, IF THAT is what it is…..
    Am I mistakenly thinking our relationship is more than what you think it is?? Just what IS our relationship??? Can you tell me?? It appears lately like we’re “activity partners” or friends, but with sex benefits. Is it David?

    Honestly, put it all together from my point of view and WHAT WOULD YOU THINK??? Do you know that I don’t even know how you feel about me David? I honestly don’t know…. especially since these past few wks. Am I just a friend?? I understand if there are legit reasons for the distance & changes of the last 2-3 weeks, but you havent even given me a general time line… I feel like Im just floating with uncertainty for an unknown amount of time. How would all this make you feel? I don’t feel stable or in a steady stable relationship. I also feel unimportant to you.

    Now, add all this together, and if you were in my shoes looking at it all from MY point of view (as it is
    appearing to me), what would YOU think??? HONESTLY, how would it appear to YOU David??? Wouldn’t it appear like I was meeting & or communicating pretty regularly with
    someone else, Or had lost interest, Or wanted space??? Or wanted out, but couldn’t say it.

    This would be fine, IF there was some kind of general time limit to the current state of distance in our relationship (not unknown vagary about how long its gonna go on for), or at least open honest communication that what Ive mentioned above is indeed what is going on. But as it stands, it all makes me feel unwanted, un-cared for, and unimportant. You have not said how long you expect this type of distance (the current state of the relationship) is going to last. you left it all vague and undefined when we talked. I guess that’s part of what still bothering me too.

    I can remember when I first noticed the change….
    During that week you asked me over to stay with you while the kids were gone…remember? That last day & night (it was a Wed) you were moody, treated me differently & impatiently, like you were angry with me (kinda indifferent… like you were angry I was there ~ and I was there at your request), at least that was how it felt…..THAT was when the change began to be noticeable to me….since that night in July
    (yes it was in July!) I have only seen you twice, and
    I haven’t seen any desire in you for my company or that you have even been missing me.

    Now, I am NOT stating that this IS what is going on….
    just typing to express to you HOW it is appearing.
    If you want space, just say so ~ be up front…. because it IS what is happening. Otherwise, Im asking you to be specific, please, for my sake.
    I just needed to be upfront with you about the fact
    that I am still bothered. Something’s NOT right…
    and I am sensing it.

    So what’s going on David? Need space? If not, how long are we looking at for whatever it is that’s interrupting our relationship? You once told me that “body language” speaks…… and your body language has been saying you dont want a relationship, dont want to be close, or that you want something else. I am asking you to be honest, and not to leave me guessing at your “body language”…. I am asking you to speak it.

    It is the counterdiction of your “body language” that has me confused. I have asked alot of questions above, but please clarify.

    ____________________________________________________
    Any comments would be welcomed! Thank you! 😀

    T.T.



  38.  #38T. T. on August 11, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Hi everyone ~ I got an angry defensive reply back,
    here it is…..

    HE WROTE:

    things are fine.i cant help it if i dont have money for gas to come see you and my kids are here.but i am getting tired of exsplaining everything i was going to leave you a message last night when you didnt txt me back but you did when i got on so got back off.im not talking to anyone else.if you feel that i am you will have to decide what to do.im sorry my attention is scattered out on other things right now and im trying to get them straight and im hot and tired when i get home.

    ____________________________________________________
    This was his answer. Just all a bunch of excuses??? Sure “everything is fine” for HIM ~ and he wasnt the one coming to me, It was / is ME that always went to his house. And Im NOT gonna be the one to do all the work any more!!! he didnt really address any of my specific concerns, did he??? (other than he said he wasnt talking to anyone.) Is he just trying to get me to be the one to leave???? That he is willing to take until Ive had enough & leave??? Our last talk he offered me to “move on” if I felt the need to…. he seemed to ready to let me go. Is there any commitment on his part to me??? Is he unemotionally attached to me??? Is there any thing I can do??? And, if there is, should I do it??? How can one know when its come to the “leaving point”? vs. staying & working on the relationship???
    Thanks, T.T.