Before Breaking Dawn – Let’s Revisit Twilight’s New Moon

Untitled design (14)

Okay – I’m trudging through this saga picking up so many scenarios to work with…I like the movies so much better!

And the reason why the books don’t work – in my opinion – is that we only hear, see and feel Bella’s experience.  So when our hero finally makes an appearance in “New Moon” – he’s already lost his glow.  He’s lost his hero status.

Yes, I get the Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights thing.  Yes, I get the teenage thing here.  And we women are very capable of filling in the holes – but this hole-filling is exhausting.  I wanted my hero Edward the way he was in the first book – always there.

And…that leads me to the fantasy, and the really terrific thing that Stephanie Meyers, the author of these books, helped us and so many girls out there with brilliantly – and where the problem happens that can be either a pit for us, or brilliant.

The brilliant thing is – she let Bella be the superhero she wanted to be – she made it so Bella could rescue Edward.

But the not-so-brilliant thing about it is – it made Edward seem like…less.

The movie “Enchanted” did this same thing at the end, and it’s so “modern” and all, but it makes the “girl” thing even harder to “get.”

In the movie “Titanic” – Kate Winslet saves Leo DiCaprio once when she breaks the chains that hold him captive – but it’s HE who talks her through it, encourages her, puts faith and trust in her.  He PARTICIPATES.

In “Enchanted,” he participates enough…well…almost enough…to at least pull his weight so it seems like a fair match.

And in Twilight, with Edward doing all the saving and Bella doing all the dramatic, dangerous, often stupid damsel-in-distress things – his hero-ness was balanced by her tremendous originality and bravery.

But in New Moon – it’s all Bella being brought to her knees (as we later find out – but don’t get to see – Edward was also) by the fated-ness of their love.

Then it’s about Bella being rescued, physically and emotionally, by another man who loves her pasionately – Jacob – who she doesn’t love.

And then it’s all about Bella being the superhero.

And about taking charge of her destiny, like a modern CEO woman.

It works fantastically for us to root for Bella – but it just takes Edward down a notch.  He’s no longer so complicated and conflicted – now he’s just being hard-headed and stubborn.  And it diminishes Jacob, which is the mistake we women make.

Bella has a conflict, and as she’s just about to make the choice to take Jacob and see if love grows with him, the story catapults us back to Edward…and Jacob is tossed aside.

So – what does this has to do with your love life?

If we, in real life, tried to manage our futures and our men the way Bella does – we’d never get what we want. Without the “fated-ness” of their relationship – a man wouldn’t enjoy being pushed into anything.

It’s the magic of the thing that makes it okay – but we don’t always have that magic.  I don’t  believe in the fated-ness of love.  I don’t believe in “soul-mates.” And trying to run your love life by hanging onto that is a recipe for disaster.

Tossing aside a Jacob in your life, in hopes that the soul-mate hero will show up, is a losing “game.”

It’s not because passionate love is a fantasy or a classic love story.  It’s because soul-mates don’t disappear and then show up again, magically.  Soul-mates are made.  Step-by-step.  Moment-by-moment.  With INTENTION.

Great sex happens Intentionally – as the desire to get closer emotionally (for BOTH of you) trumps the merely physical chemistry.

Relationship bliss happens Intentionally – and the starting place is always the man who wants you.

Twilight is about the impossible man becoming possible.

This is the great arc of every classic love story. What you don’t think you can have – you get it.  Or – as the great tragic love stories – you get it and then you lose it.

It’s sort of “If he loved me, if he was the right man for me, he’d take me as I am…”

And you’d be shocked how much I hear that.  I hear that almost as much as I hear “It’s all my fault.”

And – Bella demonstrates that totally.  She blames herself for everything, and then she takes charge.

She has huge, intense needs for support, and so she is incredibly, almost unbearably supportive.  She puts everyone ahead of herself.  She is willing to lay down her life at every turn – not just for Edward, but for nearly everyone in her life that she loves.

This is usually the recipe for a TRAGIC heroine.  But Bella will get what she wants. Because that’s the fantasy of this book.

And I don’t want you to go there. I want you to take THIS from Bella:

“Whatever the reason…he loves me.”

“I am brave.”  “I am original.”

“I am exactly who I am, and I am a good person.”

“I will be a loving person, and let the man I love have his “space,” even if his space is that he doesn’t want me.  I will be okay with that.  I will be okay because I’m brave and original, and because many, many other men will want me.”

And I can’t wait for Breaking Dawn – I loved that book!

Love, Rori



  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Wonderful article. I love the comment about soulmates being made.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Wow. Awesome. I will be okay.

  3.  #3Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Good morning, world. I am thankful for today.

    I am happy to share my blessings… and glad I deleted the rest of this post which didn’t concern anyone on the blog.

    Happy, happy, happy.


  4.  #4Buttery on June 30, 2011 at 8:08 am

    “Soul-mates are made. Step-by-step. Moment-by-moment. With INTENTION.”

    Wow! I gasped when I read this. I don’t believe in soulmates either, but the concept that soulmates are made… I feel hopeful.

  5.  #5Plum on June 30, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Hello! The Third Musketeers reporting present! 🙂


  6.  #6Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 8:09 am

    OMG this is exactly what I am going through!!!!!

    I don’t have time to post very often because I have playing out the drama of my life…DRAMA. ugh. i was sooo in love….blah, blah, blah…

    For those of you who know me, I travel a lot. I just rolled back into Idaho with my music equipment and mountain bike in tow last night…I have an exciting life.

    What’s not so exciting is I’ve been “hung up” on this guy (for a year and a half) who is not really there for me but tries to “prove” to me he’s there for me because he had a big hand in my career. (fake hero)

    So, I’ve been dating and it’s hard to date when you think you are in love with someone but I did it anyway and someone awesome showed up after over a whole year! Because I’m finally ready I guess.

    You see, on this last trip I took to California, I mis-planned a bit and got into some trouble at the end and needed some help. I was talking to fake hero about it and at the last minute he bailed on me and didn’t call me back – and I was in a crisis.

    I got myself out of it and let him know that I had returned home safe and sound…he was happy about that so I could “get back to work.” ARRRGGGH!!!!

    You know, a month ago I would had emailed him and told him exactly how wrong he is then I probably would have gotten really drunk. How attractive. But, this is what I did instead:

    I made a decision I was going to give this “Jacob” in my life a chance, because I had turned him down. He’s handsome, successful, I wish I could tell you all about him! And, I to told fake hero that I’m going to date men until I am about to get married and that I’m going to get my needs met and get married and have a baby and that’s it.

    He did not yell and scream. He’s not happy but he’s trying to act like he’s a level headed gent and telling me how “that is not for him” and “we made so much progress because we finally SKYPED after a year and a half…what a FOOL!

    so, you are not going to believe what happens next…my “Jacob” emails me back and tells me he’s going to be in my neck of Idaho this weekend! (he has a home near Wyoming). and he wants to see me.

    and I tell you ladies…the playing field is now leveled…to any man who thinks he can step up and do the job of making me happy and giving me the relationship I want!

  7.  #7Plum on June 30, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Nini, did you get the visa?


  8.  #8Buttery on June 30, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Stories and movies where the woman rescues the male protagonist don’t feel good to me.

  9.  #9Buttery on June 30, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Yay Soul Sista!! Here’s to men stepping up!

  10.  #10Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 8:23 am

    @6: Soul Sista says:
    “…For those of you who know me, I travel a lot….”

    I think so… I haven’t seen you around in a bit… 😀


  11.  #11Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Thank you Buttery…it feels GOOD. Oh, and I told you ladies a while back (I’m not on here anonymously) that I had written a song that would be for all of us women…it’s a song I wrote to myself as a little girl…to tell her how much she is worth because she wasn’t treated very well…

    It was heard by the drummer of Jamiriquoi and he has been sharing it on Facebook and it’s in the biggest songwriting competition in the world right now but it’s up on Soundcloud so you can hear it…take it to heart and feel it 🙂 “You are the Gold”

  12.  #12Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

    @5: Plum says:
    “…Hello! The Third Musketeers reporting present!…”

    Uh-oh, it’s me… number three. 😆 You and nini were moving kind of slowly.

    I always make a dash for the “top of the world” but don’t always quite make it…


  13.  #13Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Hey SLV! I’ve been all over the place…NYC, SF (twice) then I’m going to LA but I’m home with my mom right now…

  14.  #14Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 8:28 am

    Congrats Soul Sista. Good to know you are still here.

  15.  #15Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 8:32 am

    @4: Buttery says:
    “…I don’t believe in soulmates either,…”

    I believe in soulmates.

    I believe we create them but we have to have something to work with… a nice wool crepe instead of a Bounty paper towel.

    I believe there’s more than “the one.” There’s lots of yardage on that bolt of fabric but I want to get a real nice piece of it any case I need to make adjustments…


  16.  #16Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 8:34 am

    @13: Soul Sista says:
    “…I’m home with my mom right now…”

    It’s good to see you.


  17.  #17Shar lean way back on June 30, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Hi Soul Sista, I followed you “lurking” previously. Glad you are back and I am so glad to see you moving on to a right in front of you man and CD til you get what you want! And congrats on the song.

  18.  #18Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 8:43 am

    HI FW!

  19.  #19Plum on June 30, 2011 at 8:44 am


    He he he
    First musketeer Femininewoman
    Second musketeer SLV
    Third musketeer Plum

    It is 21h 10 in India right now, I am supposing Nini got the answer for her visa to Germany. I wish to know if all went fine.


  20.  #20Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 8:47 am

    Thank you Shar

  21.  #21Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 8:47 am

    RE 19 Don’t you mean Meemee. Nini was a typo made by Brenda is actually a philippino name

  22.  #22Plum on June 30, 2011 at 8:51 am

    21 FW

    Yes and I loved it, I am keeping it, it fits her new born self ready for Europe 😉


  23.  #23Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 8:56 am


    hee hee. I rather dig it. It’s cute and fun, much like imagine her to be.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 9:17 am

    RE 22 Makes a lot of sense. Like so many out there musicians who change their names as a way of changing their experiences in life and changing the memories attached to them. The name change could possibly help Meemee overcome x even more.

  25.  #25Buttery on June 30, 2011 at 9:18 am

    I hate it when a man kisses me with his eyes open and looking elsewhere… he is not fully present and not savoring the kiss.

    What is a good feeling message to use the next time this happens?

    “I feel _______ when you look away while we kiss.”

    I feel angry? (hmm…feels too strong)
    I feel annoyed?
    I feel dismissed?
    I feel unimportant?

  26.  #26Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Had to share this. It so resonated with me because I have spoken to someone like that and saw him change. It was as if he was happy I “got” and accepted him. Now I can say anything to him.

    It is long but I believe will help someone.

    “Here’s the short answer:

    Most of us walk around craving unconditional acceptance and love – because we never got it. In
    fact – we often can’t recognize it when we see it or feel it! Many of us instinctively think that pain equals
    love – because that’s what we know.

    We experience pining for a man, and wanting a man who isn’t as interested in us, or as ABLE to
    be interested in us, as we are in him – as “love.” And – with our adult minds – we know that isn’t
    true – but with our subconscious, child-like minds that are geared toward survival at any cost – we
    relate that suffering feeling as love. And the reason, at bottom, is that our “systems” fear intimacy even more than the suffering of pining.

    We somehow think, deep down, that if someone gets really close to us, and finds out all the
    dark secrets of who we really are – they’ll laugh at us, run away, and definitely NOT love us.

    And – amazingly – the exact OPPOSITE is true.

    The man out there who really wants to love you is suffering too. He feels unloved and unaccepted,
    and so his personality type is built all around trying to be the person he thinks you’ll like and love.

    The moment you make the decision to accept and love a man exactly as he is -no improvements
    necessary – that’s when he changes. On a dime. He just lets himself go. He lets himself love
    you. And the how to of how to get that started is in YOU. It’s about you loving unconditionally and
    accepting unconditionally YOU! So – the starting point is here.

    If you work to love and accept yourself profoundly, deeply, totally and unconditionally – every man who gets anywhere near you – and even across the world – will start to feel loved and accepted, and make a BEELINE for you.

    You don’t have to prove it to him, or show him you love him – he just “gets” it. And then, all the personality traits he’s worked on his whole life to be loved just fall away. He doesn’t need them anymore. He can call you and talk to you and be close to you and feel okay.

    Most of us, even if we’re not aware of it – somewhere inside feel trapped within our own
    “personality prisons.” There are places where we feel “awkward” and out-of-control” – all of us. And so, if we women can get comfortable with those awkward and out-of-control places – we can create a quick bond with any man!

    Here’s a short Tool to help you:

    1. Place one hand over your Heart – and as if you’re speaking to yourself right from there –
    from your own heart – simply say the following statement to yourself:

    “It is my desire to be free, empowered, expansive, fully in charge of how I live my life
    and to be who I was always meant to be, my authentic self”.

    2. Now, take a moment and notice how you feel inside.

    You may have already begun to feel a sense of warmth, lightness, a sense of release. Now…

    3. See if you can feel a greater ability to breathe more easily.

    4. Imagine an “expansive feeling,” more alive and energized, and possibly more like what you
    might call a feeling of your True Authentic Self.

    If you feel any of this and you like the feeling -then simply affirm that to yourself! You
    can do this easily by keeping your hand over your heart an saying that you LIKE this feeling, how it
    feels, and what you like about it. You’ll notice that talking to yourself through
    your heart will intensify this feeling of expansiveness and freedom and ease.

    It makes you feel stronger. And it actually IS shifting something inside you.

    It’s changing the old habits and thoughts and memories inside you that believe there’s only ONE
    way for you to be, and only one way for your life to go.

    We’ve been all taught to believe that these memories and the FEELINGS of the memories are
    “unchangeable.” And that’s not true.

    Your man can change. He can WANT to change. It’s not that he needs you to be an “example” of
    change – he simply needs you to love him, as he IS – so that he can finally feel FREE to change!

    Where once he felt afraid to let you see him as he is, and so he resisted changing – now he can
    FEEL that because you love and accept yourself – he can TRUST YOU to love and accept him.
    and then everything changes.

    To make all this work – you need to understand personality types and where you and a man fit in.
    And you need to be able to “get” this pretty much instantly – the moment you meet a man.

    You need to grasp how what he says and does affects what you say and do – and you need to be
    super aware of how what he says and does is in reaction to what YOU say and do.

    Once you get the hang (quickly) of pegging where a man is coming from (even if he’s
    unknowingly “stuck” in his personality type) – you can move even a quick conversation to a deeply
    connected experience for him – and that’s how relationship starts.

    There is absolutely nothing like the feeling of confidence you get when you can truly “see” a man
    and truly “hear” him – no matter WHAT he’s saying or doing! It’s like having a secret key to being
    able to understand why a man is doing and saying certain things……and the best part is – when you KNOW what’s making him do and say stuff – you don’t get automatically defensive.

    You can hear what’s REALLY going on underneath – and respond to THAT instead of just reacting
    superficially to his clueless actions and words or his deliberate provocations.

    It’s like having a powerful weapon that’s always on duty for you.

    Let us know how “Personality” works for you,
    and he’s the link again to check it out:


    Sarah, Editor at

  27.  #27Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 9:20 am

    RE 25 Buttery what if that is “just him”?

  28.  #28Plum on June 30, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Soul Sister

    I loooooove the song. I wish you the best luck with it!

    I hope your mother is well.


  29.  #29Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Thank you Plum! It was an amazing experience to channel and produce with my colleagues..

    My mom is great.

  30.  #30Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 9:49 am

    @22: Plum

    I love “nini!” It’s just that, wonderfully newborn. 😀

    I hope Meemee loves it too.


  31.  #31Kyla on June 30, 2011 at 9:50 am


    I would feel turned off.

  32.  #32Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Mel this is for you and DE? who no longer gets the emails.

    Hi, have you ever wished there was more “juice” in your relationship? Where he was more attentive, there was more excitement, fun, great sex, silliness, anticipation every time you knew you could be together?

    You can make a huge, instant difference in the way your relationship feels, and attract nearly any man to you in a powerful way by shifting your focus from HIM, to YOU – to your own pleasure, your own desires, and what you’re really feeling inside.

    This is all about being a “Modern Siren,” and you can learn so much that will change your life with my new Siren program.

    If you’re finding yourself being “extra careful” to not push a man away – perhaps that’s EXACTLY WHY he’s not coming closer!

    The road to a man’s heart is the “Emotional Road” – and even though we women have been taught over and over again that men HATE emotion, it’s just not true.

    Men hate DRAMA – which is actually almost the OPPOSITE of true emotion.

    “Drama” is what we do when we’re AFRAID of our true, real emotions.

    We feel so afraid, deep inside ourselves, of our rage, our terror, our pain – that we work really hard to shut down those feelings and keep them hidden – and what happens then is that they “pop out.”

    Those feelings (especially the ones we think are ugly) – because they’re denied sunlight and attention and just plain acknowledgment from us that they exist – actually end up RUNNING us.

    The effort of keeping them hidden makes us “tense.”

    The effort of keeping them hidden makes us “fake.”

    The effort of keeping them hidden basically puts a WALL up between ourselves and a man.

    So – to undo that?


    This means that whatever comes up – wherever you are, whatever you’re feeling, however or whoever triggered those feelings – you stop doing what you’re doing, take a second to acknowledge the feeling, and then give LOVE to that feeling.

    Most of us have been taught to protect ourselves.

    And the way we’ve been taught to protect ourselves is to keep ourselves to ourselves.

    We don’t THINK we’re doing that – because we talk about the relationship with a man, we show our love to him, we pay attention to him, we may even be sharing ourselves in bed with him…but we’re still protecting ourselves.

    So much of the time, the things we DO and SAY are all about GETTING or GIVING Love, but the effect of those things we DO have on a man is usually superficial.

    He hears us talk about our day, and about work, and he hears us telling him what he should be doing, and he hears us asking him for things – but that doesn’t get him any closer to CONNECTING with us.

    The only thing that connects a man to us – instantly – is our emotions.

    Here’s a letter from Cassandra that shows how amazingly this can work for you:

    “Hi Rori, My man and I were watching that TV show “Bones”. We were all snuggled up together watching the show and it was an episode where a German Shepard was ordered by his master to attack a man but the dog ended up killing him. In the end of the show the German Shepard ended up dying. I am an animal LOVER so of course when the dog died, I had tears running down my face.

    I happened to be laying in a position where my man could not see my face but he noticed that I was wiping a tear from my cheek. As soon as he saw that, he took my face in his hands and lifted my chin up so that I had to look at him and he then LOVINGLY asked me if I was crying and why.

    I simply told him that I felt sad because the dog died and he only did what he was ordered to do, that it was not even his fault but his master was at fault. MY MAN, my usually distant, seemingly unfeeling and somewhat emotionally cold man… then LOVINGLY wiped the tears from my eyes, rubbed his hand across my face and kissed my forehead.

    I was shocked. I didn’t even do any of this on purpose – I was simply watching a silly TV show that brought up some emotions in me that made me cry. I guess the fact that I felt sad because of the dog dying and showed that without hiding it touched his heart and moved him to “take care of me” so to speak in the way that he did.

    All I can say is that it was wonderful and I felt so loved.

    I have really been trying to use your Feeling Messages lately and I have indeed noticed a big difference. The experience that I mentioned above was most definitely “by accident” but I will always remember it as a HUGE learning tool for me!! Thank you for all you do!! Love, Cassandra”

    What Cassandra did here was just amazing. She stayed with her feelings, didn’t try to hide her tears, and just looked at him without turning her face away, or closing up.

    She let her man in.

    And she wasn’t even talking about the relationship!

    All this happened because of a TV show!

    So know that you can use ANYTHING – any moment, anywhere, to allow your feelings to show – to stay open, to look him in the eye with your heart open and TAKE IN his love, instead of SENDING or GIVING him love.

    This may not come naturally for you, especially when you’re so used to hiding what you’re feeling for fear you’ll scare a man away or have him thinking you’re just flaky.

    That’s why I created Modern Siren. I want to dispel the MYTH that being a juicy, emotional, authentic woman turns a man off. Nothing could be further from the truth!

    Men LOVE women who are authentic and vulnerable, and the feeling he gets for you when you’re wearing your heart on your sleeve is to take your face in his hands and show you he adores you.

    It can happen in so many other ways.

    In Modern Siren, I show you exactly how to become the juicy, authentic and IRRESISTIBLE woman he can’t help but fall for.

    If your man hasn’t been very affectionate lately, or you’re still waiting for him to say, “I love you,” then read this special letter where I explain what makes a man feel “safe” and want to have a romantic relationship with you (not just a friendly one):

    There’s nothing more beautiful in all the world than a woman’s feelings.

    That’s why we’ve been painted and sculpted and written poems about them from the beginning of humankind.

    When an artist paints a woman “in the nude” – it’s not about her body – it’s about seeing her heart and soul without anything getting in the way.

    Remember how powerful you are emotionally “naked,” love your feelings, and let me know how you’re doing.

    Love, Rori

  33.  #34Buttery on June 30, 2011 at 10:17 am

    SoulSista, such a gorgeous voice and velvet smooth tune!!

  34.  #35Buttery on June 30, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Thanks FW, It probably is “just him”, his mind on the workday ahead when he dropped me off this morning. I still feel irked when he does it though.

    Kyla, yep, I do feel turned off. Thanks for putting the words to my feelings.

    Hopefully I will catch on with the FM’s 🙂

  35.  #36Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Buttery ~ thank you. In terms of this kissing thing it’s really not about them but about us…as I’ve learned to honor what I’m feeling…in my case recently feeling neglected (which is abuse and if i let him continue to neglect me i’m abusing myself) and my desire for marriage and family which he seems not be able to step up to…and my desire to be cherished and lavished upon…I identified these very specific needs and set an intention to receive them.

    Are there any needs you have that are not being fulfilled? If you identify them and prepare for them to be fulfilled I’ll bet your kissing experience changes.

  36.  #37Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 10:27 am

    PS I set an intention to receive EVERY need I have that I could identify.

  37.  #38Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 10:38 am

    When grasping for the last breath in the stranglehold of life, a close inspection will show that the hands around your throat are your own. – Bill Deslippe

  38.  #39Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 10:55 am

    What I meant when I said “just him” was wondering whether he was just being himself and whether wanting it otherwise is possibly be wanting him to abandon himself? Then if so, is it a true “match?”

  39.  #40Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:07 am

    From the previous article: RE:
    420: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    “…Maybe I’m a Black Florence Henderson”

    Awesome!!! I love this image of you, SLV. Super cool. You make me smile. xo

  40.  #41Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Sirens, I’m FURIOUS!!!!!!

    I just had a CD go dutch with me for breakfast.
    He’s been pursuing me for weeks! We met online, and he’s the one I asked about yest. re: leaning back, etc….and all seemed to be going well…I was leaning back during our meeting, and using feeling messages, and feeling pretty good about things and open….I didn’t have instant attraction or anything, but I figured give it a chance, and I stayed open and genuine!

    BUT….that was after him being 15 minutes late to meet me, showing up in a sloppy sweatshirt, (I undetrstand it’s just breakfast, but put in SOME effort for God’s sake!) So I looked past all that…..and decided to enjoy the time with him anyway and kept my vibe open, soft, and feminine, and used feeling messages.

    THEN the check came and it sat on the table FOREVER…finally I said I have to get going, and he said oh ok, and took the bill, then he leaned it so I could see it too, and said oh I only have an ATM card, so I felt SUPER akward, and felt pressured to break out some cash, so I said well how much do I put in? He said oh just give me ten dollars, so I did, and afterwards, I said “oh that always feels a bit akward to me” and he dismissed it, I could tell he felt uncomfortable too.

    I’m sorry but if he was not interested (and I’m not sure I am after just one meeting, but willing to give it a chance to get to know him) He STILL could have paid.

    I walked away feeling like a fool, like an idiot, like I got taken advantage of, like I was put in an akward situation unecessarily, like I have low value, and like I did something wrong. SO not healthy. I immediately called MarriedGuy and left a message. I know that was wrong.

  41.  #42Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:16 am

    SEETHING MAD right now. Oh I am angry. I love my angry feelings.

    I misjudged this guy to have masculine energy, what did I do wrong to make him go fem.
    I love my feeling of misjudging people.

    I feel I don’t know how to guage people. I’m bad at it. I love my bad guage.

  42.  #43Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:16 am

    angry angry angry angry

    soooooooo mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  43.  #44Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

    RE 41 Emerson Your last para reads like you feel like a trapped victim. Did he ask you out? Is it possible for you to see that you chose to lean in and look at the bill? Also that you could have said good bye after saying “I have to get going” and just walked out.

  44.  #45Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:23 am

    44 FW,
    “Also that you could have said good bye after saying “I have to get going” and just walked out.”

    This is what I should have done. Why didn’t I do this? I don’t think I leaned in to look at the bill, I was making an effort to let him handle it, and I did feel trapped like he was expecting me to pay, and I didn’t know where to go from there. Thank you for mentioning that it would have been ok to just leave. Maybe I should have done that, but I felt like I should walk out with him? Why, I don’t know?

    Yes, he asked me out, and I have been careful to lean back with him, he has always initiated contact.

  45.  #46Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:25 am

    I don’t want to be/sound like/feel like a trapped victim but that is exactly how it felt….I froze like I didn’t know what to do in that moment. Maybe I should have excused myself to the restroom???
    Ugh. The things I have to come up with just to have breakfast with a stupid guy. I don’t even want to do this anymore. Feeling soo negative. Hate him.

  46.  #47Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 11:29 am

    RE 45 That being the case I would assume he is either looking for a casual fling or does not know how to date properly.

    I just mentioned that as an option for you to recognize that you can do that, if you so wish, next time around. Many guys prefer to dress casually but it seems he obviously didn’t feel the need to make a good first impression. I am wary of guys who do that. I believe I would review my conversations with him prior to the meetup. Or maybe the online profile. He could have picked up something that suggests to him that this girl does not value herself.

  47.  #48Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Thanks FW
    I appreciate your feedback very much. He doesn’t seem like the type to be looking for a fling, but I think you may be right about just not knowing how to date properly. OH and he had his sunglasses perched on his head backwards the whole time. Odd.

    re: 46 I know hate is a strong word. But that’s what I felt at the moment I wrote it. So much anger.

    I don’t want to put out the vibe that I don’t value myself. Maybe I don’t value myself. I don’t know.

  48.  #49Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Also Emerson have you looked at your past relationships or childhood to see if freezing is part of your defense mechanism that you use to protect yourself?

  49.  #50Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Can I ask you all a question? At what point do you think it’s ok to leave if a date is late? after 15 minutes?
    He did send a text to say he’s in traffic, but STILL!!!!!!!

  50.  #51Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:35 am

    49 yes I think I do freeze up as part of a defense mechanism. At that point I lose ground of what I’m supposed to do and end up just going along with what the person says. I am not assertive enough to say what I want or what I think.

  51.  #52Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Emerson ~ take it as a learning experience. Next time, do not look at the bill…do not say anything…I would probably be pissed and say hey you asked me out buddy, buck up! but, you have to find your own style…lol i’ve been told i have a fresh mouth…and they love it…lol

  52.  #53Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Ladies! I’m having so much fun…one of my standards is I don’t drive to meet men…look at this dialogue I’m having with a stud on OKCupid:

    HIM: They have outside seating a good wine selection and Thai or sushi… What day works best for you?:)

    ME: I don’t know where that is…in Boise? Did you read my entire profile?

    HIM: Yes I did… Lol but yesterday … Your currently in Jerome right;) sorry I should have glanced at it again before I replied… Lol… So yes eagle it really close too Boise it is on the north west side…. But I do love road trips but if I go there you have too pick the activity because I dont know the area…lol

    ME: i understand you are not familiar with Jerome but are you familiar with Google?


  53.  #54Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:41 am

    52 Thank you Soul Sista, I like your approach. I can be sassy at times too, but it just didn’t come out. I feel violated because I really opened up to him and shared about my work (he asked), my efforts towards a new career, all things that are VERY personal to me and I don’t share with everyone. I work in a very specialized industry and my job is very important to me. I was doing this while trying not to “brag” and be masculine…

  54.  #55Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Soul Sista:
    “ME: i understand you are not familiar with Jerome but are you familiar with Google”

    I love this!!

    I’ve adopted the same approach, not driving to meet men. But I’ve had to pick the places in my neighborhood to meet, which I find irritating. I like your reply. I’ve pushed back to try to get the guy to pick the place, but apparently not hard enough.

    For example, today with my CD that WENT DUTCH with me….I picked the place we met. Maybe that was where I went wrong.


  55.  #56Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I think I need to hang out with some strong women and have the vibe rub off on me

  56.  #57Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Emerson ~ i have found that talking about your career, especially one you are very good at, is bruising to a man’s ego.

    The way I’ve shifted from talking about my career is to keep my “needs” list as my priority then i drop into my femininity and be more receptive…men are gonna know about our careers…talking about it feels like rubbing it in their face to them when you are getting to know each other. mention it, but don’t talk about it too much. not romantic.

  57.  #58Ice Princess on June 30, 2011 at 11:49 am


    Your CD was a jerk. I think I would have left if someone new left me waiting for 15 minutes! Do you plan on seeing him again? Or do you look at this situation as a goodbye?

    From Previous post #373:

    In answer to your questions about my situation…He moved into an apartment in February and we go couple of days without communications sometimes but when he is kidless he seems to call me and at least want to go to lunch in which he does usually pay (I know, I know, he should always pay…I am working on that). I (and his personal counselor) have suggested counseling and he seems closed off to it for now. I do really love this man and those feeling leave me feeling like a fool a good bit of the time. I sure do appreciate your response. Do you think I should lean back and let him miss communication with me and see what happens?

  58.  #59Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:50 am

    57 Thanks Soul Sista
    Good to know.
    How do you talk about your needs?
    I can’t picture how the conversation is supposed to go. I feel totally incompetent atm. Like this is all forced.

  59.  #60Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Here is his next response Ladies!

    HIM: Haha … Yep I am pretty good with google … Would you like me too come get you in Jerome ?:) I love road trips… Then we could do dinner in boise if you like;)

    Boise is 2 hours away…and I’ve had guys drive down from Boise before…

  60.  #61Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Emerson ~ you don’t talk about your needs! not yet…you talk to US about your keep them in your own mind and you date to HAVE FUN.

    date as many men as you can and have fun knowing what you eventually want…that way there is no pressure on the men you date…they hate that.

  61.  #62Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:56 am

    58 Ice Princess, Thanks for your feedback. I feel so turned off.

    I don’t plan on seeing him again. What do I say if he contacts me?

    Maybe my vibe was shifted with him being late and me feeling resentful even though he texted me that he was running late with traffic. Maybe I should have used a feeling message like it feels bad to be kept waiting? What do you think?

    Should I have just replied that we cancel if he’s late? Even if he was driving about 25 miles to see me?
    I was trying to be flexible, and not jump the gun and throw him out completely.

    It’s not the first time a CD has left me waiting for 15 to 20 minutes on the first meeting!! From now on, maybe I will be more ballsy and just leave! Thats why I was asking if it’s ok to leave, and after how long.

  62.  #63Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:57 am

    61 Soul Sista, How do you do this?
    “The way I’ve shifted from talking about my career is to keep my “needs” list as my priority then i drop into my femininity and be more receptive”

    I guess that;s what I meant when I asked how do you talk in a conversation when keeping your needs at top of the list.

    Maybe I’m overthinking all of this.

  63.  #64Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    re 60 Soul Sista,
    Awesome response from your guy!!

  64.  #65Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    i have a list of my needs in my heart. i know what i want. i don’t need to talk about it. as i have fun with men they show me who they are and i assess whether they can meet my needs.

    your needs are in your heart not your head.

  65.  #66Ice Princess on June 30, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    #62 It seems that he should have planned for traffic unless there was some terrible accident. He took on the drive to see you because you are worth the drive! I would be so irritated if I sat alone waiting on someone. I don’t know what I would say if he contacted me if I were in your situation, I guess the right thing to do is if you want to see him again and do make plans make sure you say something about how it feels to be waiting and timeliness is important to you. Otherwise if you don’t want to see or talk to him again I would just ignore him. It’s tough to decide what to do though.

  66.  #67Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    66 Ice Princess I agree he should have planned for traffic.

    I’m still mad.

    I think if he contacts me, I will say that there is no romantic vibe between us and I get the impression that he is looking for a friend. So good luck and good bye.


  67.  #68Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    65 I agree our needs are in our heart not our heads. I think I suppressed my needs for so long, I wonder, am I entitled to them?

    I know I am, but I convinced myself otherwise for so long, for the sake of peace.

    I had a therapist tell me once that sometimes we act in a way that demonstrates “peace at any cost” …and

    I didn’t know exactly what she was talking about.
    Now it kind of makes sense.

    I feel sad that I’m more screwed up than I realized.

  68.  #69Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    RE 51 Sounds like you might need to work on strengthening your boundaries.

  69.  #70Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    RE 62 Emerson I would say “I feel so flattered and thank you for the invitation but I don’t feel it is a match. It is just a gut feeling”.

  70.  #71Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    RE 68 That sonds like your nvs “more screwed up than I realized”. It sounds to me like you need to let out your inner drama queen. The best I see here with doing that is Daria.

  71.  #72Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    FW said:
    Emerson I would say “I feel so flattered and thank you for the invitation but I don’t feel it is a match. It is just a gut feeling”.

    I like this reply. It’s not too harsh, but gets the point accross.

    71 yes, inner drama queen! I like that. I love my inner drama queen.

  72.  #73Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    RE 62 He did text you. This shows he seems to be conscious of being respectful and not taking you for granted. As such I know I would not have left because life happens. I would also not feel resentful because I could have text back that I don’t want to wait any longer.

  73.  #74Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Emerson I drive 30 miles every day one way. I do think 25 miles is anything for a man. All in all it sounds like you were not focussing fully on yourself. Coming 25 miles he seemed to be making an effort and my assumption would be that if you were not making up stories in your head about the bill, he would have paid. I would question myself if I am comfortable receiving from men, and pay attention to what I believe and what I am telling myself. I have been the one who used to insist on paying when I go out with guys. Now I know better. Last time one suggested it I just looked at him blank.

  74.  #75Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    RE 66 That is establishing boundaries and staying open. The first date is really just to have fun so I would not mention anything about romantic vibe. I would let him bring it up. Also he would know how he feels after the first meeting and even if it felt a bit off, in my humble opinion, the tardiness could have caused that and I wouldn’t be surprised if he could understand that.

  75.  #76Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    FW said:
    “Last time one suggested it I just looked at him blank”

    I wish I had the guts to do that. I love it. You inspire me. I’m going to do this next time. I just have to get throught that akward moment. I know what you mean about me thinking about the bill or what not, but I do really feel like he put me in a pridicament where the bill had to be discussed at all, which IMO is in poor taste.

    I did sit there for a few moments after he said oh all I have is a card to pay with, and thats when he pointed the bill so i could see it. It was totally obvious he expected to split the bill. Where I went wrong is I should have excused myself or not looked and just stared blankly like you said.

    I actually feel like bringing it up to him, like emailing to him that since he expected to split the bill, it put us in friend mode and therefore I’m not interested in seeing him again because I’m not looking for a friend. I feel like I want to address it.

  76.  #77Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    From Dr. Paul

    And so our methods of building confidence, trust, security, faith and belief had grown to four things:

    1. The courage to ask questions of yourself and others.

    2. The courage that draws from your spiritual life, and if you see fit, your Higher Power.

    3. The courage to learn, and to try to understand things that you don’t… yet.

    4. The courage to dream of what you want for yourself.

  77.  #78Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Emerson ~ i’m 44 and my whole life all I wanted was music and a happy family. I’ve done music since I was 13 and i’m very successful at it now but i think it’s attributed to it helped my rebel and find an identity of my own since my father was an abusive fundamentalist minister.

    thus, the family thing has taken a long time. i had a child when i was 18 (i’m about to be a grandmother) andi don’t regret it because it was half my dream. i married his father…but he was abusive.

    so, it’s taken me this long to get it right and i still have time to have a baby or two 😉

  78.  #79Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Emerson ” like he put me” is the victim nv speaking. He did no such thing. If he brought up conversation about the bill, okay yeah. But did he? He said he only has a card. Charges on a card can be paid 1, 2, how many months later. If the place does not take a card then maybe I could understand. Was that the case?

    Maybe he pointed the bill at an angle because he has eye problems?

  79.  #80Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    FW said
    like he put me” is the victim nv speaking. He did no such thing
    You are right, nobody should have the power to make me feel anything without my permission. It is a NV victim statement. I agree.

    But no, he does not have eye problems, he was CLEARLY indicating that he wanted to split the bill.
    Like I said, I should have kept quiet, but even after I put my money out, he could have refused. I know that’s maybe not a fair assumption to some, but I still think it was in poor taste overall on his part.

  80.  #81Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    78 Soul Sista I’m glad you are no longer in an abusive relationship, and that’s awesome you’ve pursued your dream and have music in your life!

    I always wanted a family too, but i don’t have children and I just turned 40. I know there is still hope to make that dream come true. My ex had a daughter that I was very close to, but neither of them are in my life now. He was verbally/mentally abusive and unfaithful/addict/alcoholic in “recovery”…

  81.  #82Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    FW: “Maybe he pointed the bill at an angle because he has eye problems?”

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

  82.  #83Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    It was in poor taste but you have not clearly indicated how he wanted you to split the bill. What did he say?

  83.  #84Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    82 That is the story I would tell myself rather than “he expects me to split the bill”.

  84.  #85Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    83 I guess I took those cues that I mentioned earlier; that he said all he has is a card to pay with, and he said something like how do you want to do this? and pointed the bill toward me…I didn’t really hear what he said, and I didn’t ask for clarification, at that point I went into freeze mode and didn’t knwo what to do, so I said “I have cash, how much is my part?” So yes it’s my fault. I fu#%ed up.

  85.  #86Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    I kinda went into “I just want to get out of here now” mode…like freeze and flight mode, what’s the fastest way out of this situation, to pay and get out, and write him off now that I felt so akward.


  86.  #87Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    RE 85 I was invited so I assumed you were paying. I feel uncomfortable paying on dates. I love it when a man takes charge. It makes me feel taken care of.

    That could have been a test to see how much you value yourself. He spent money on gas and drove 25 miles. I would assume he would not penny pinch on breakfast.

  87.  #88Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    RE 86 Not lame. Just practice to notice yourself, your beliefs, your behavior. Getting intimate with yourself. There is always a next time to practice.

  88.  #89Femininewoman on June 30, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Re 86 Ask what am I afraid of? Is this response serving me? What is happening here that is threatening my life?

  89.  #90Daria on June 30, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Rori says this is an opportunity to speak our feelings

    A speech such as ‘oh I don’t feel comfortable paying on dates… What do you think?’

    He responds

    We respond w our feelings again

  90.  #91Ella on June 30, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Hey hey,

    I have an Edward figure in my life right now… the one who I fantasize about… who is less available… who I feel as though I love, and who feeds into my pattern of pining, that I learnt during childhood when I lost my father…

    And I have a Jacob figure too in my life… he is the one who has been ‘after’ me for months… he has been here, he calls me, he has put up with my lack of enthusiasm, like Bella’s… and he is still here.

    He is actually a very sexy, strong man.

    There is nothing wrong with him.

    And so I am staying open to him.

    I am giving this happiness a chance (Thanks Daria). The Edward figure is great practice for me bc I get to practice catching myself, total leanback, physically and with my thoughts… and working with unmasking the fake glamour of imaginary relationships.

    I feel greateful to have the chances to work with the triggers.

    And yet the pining pull can be strong sometimes.

    And I love me.

  91.  #92Daria on June 30, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    When we lean forward or stuff we wind up feeling angry at Him. And closing off

    Practice speech

    ‘ I felt horrible when it was time to pay, and I feel really angry… I feel embarrased not having said something them and there… I just felt frozen… And the truth is I don’t want to pay on dates, it feel terrible… What do u think?’

  92.  #93Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Ladies is this a huge red flag?

    How do I deal with this.

    Have a v step up CD. I have always felt luke warm to him and am just starting to warm up to hm a little due to his enduring pursuing (patiently I might add, he has had to watch me CD lots of other guys).

    Anyway though he is living her, originally from Gambia.

    He has a 9 year old over there.

    He says he is single.

    And yet yesterday when I asked who he lives with he jokingly said ‘my wife’ then he laughed and it was a joke.

    But then he said he pretends to be married bc he has had a lots of women kinda throwing themselves at him. I can see this would be true. So he tells them he is married.

    Then he holds up his left hand and says ‘and that is wht I wear this on this finger…’ and there is a gold band on his wedding finger.

    The feeling I got was mistrusting.

    And the thought I have is that he has a wife back in Gambia, and he is lonely and wants a woman here.

    He is the one who tells me he loves me (well one of the ones) and he has also told me he wants children.

    How do I deal with this whilst staying in the feminine?

    How do I bring this up?

    Guess I need a script… and is this a run for the hills kinda red flag?

    I feel confused.

    Input much appreciated.

    Thanks. xx

  93.  #94kaitlyn on June 30, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Adam hasnt called in days, but I saw his FB post about a foreign flick he’s working on and asked me to look up since it’s quite obscure. I did extensively and even watched a few previews. So, I posted under his, my humorous pontifications. He then posted “hahahaha’ and LIKE. So, I put LIKE back. Cerebral FB flirting. Now back to leaning back…

  94.  #95kaitlyn on June 30, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Ella, this guy sounds like a greaseball. Flush.

  95.  #96Daria on June 30, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I feel insecure! 🙁

    I woke up to a text from hawkman saying :

    ‘I guess you don’t talk to me anymore.’

    I missed a call from him last nite, maybe more when my phone was off…

    So I first wrote back

    ‘papi that feels weird to read’

    Then I bought the book from love romance linked in fw post, and thought he might be a ‘supporter personality’ and that means its important to not ignore his ferlings or assume he’s fine …

    So I wrote: Im sorry you feel upset. :(. I Do want to talk to u. I miss ur voice

    And then a lil later

    ‘I’m feeling scared and disconnected :(. ‘

    I Am feeling scared and disconnected. I love me.

  96.  #97kaitlyn on June 30, 2011 at 2:26 pm


    Why didn’t you just tell him your phone was off and you’d love to hear from him

  97.  #98Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:28 pm


    Vamp SCREAM!

    Feeling MAD at J again, lol.

    Love my feelings.

    I woke up this morning and he had Facebook messaged me saying he does want to meet over he weekend and would I make a plan or should he.

    He had messaged me 1 hour ago…

    I always have a dilemma… shall I reply now, which is authentic, plus he could prob see more online… or do I leave it a while and then reply (game playing really).

    I went with being authentic and replied then that I would feel best if he made a plan.

    Now it has been a whole day and no reply back, and I know he’s been on cus I saw another post he wrote from this evening.

    Is he game playing?

    I am just lower priority to him than he is to me? Eeeek!

    Anyway that is all his business, not mine.

    How do I demote him in my mind and make him less important (I know he is not really logically and yet my feelings arent there yet)

    Any ideas how to demote a man’s status in our minds?

    I am keeping busy and CD-ing…

    I always do this with guys I like… grrrr.

    Seem to foget all the bad bits and get this Rose tinted memory of them.

    Hmph. Love my feelings. Love me.

  98.  #99Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Ella maybe it’s taking him a little time and he will get back to you when the plan is ready?

  99.  #100Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Although actually there were a few times when he said stuff and I felt distinctly uncomfortable and unfeminine.

    You know, comments just out of left field, where I thought to myself, geez you can really tell he is only 19!!

    Hmmm, not sure about this.

    Maybe I can focus on those, and not the AMAZING, DREAMY, LOVED, IN LOVE feeling I got when he was holding me and stroking my hair. When he told me it was beautiful how I was in touch with my feelings.

    When we kissed and I totally melted.

    When he wore my clothes because he was too hot in his and he looked SOOOOO damned hot when he took his shirt off!

    When we met eyes and I felt electricity and Ummmm, and goey.



    But no… focus on his ‘off’ comments.

    Also, noticed how I was able to feel open to Gambia man last night when we sat in the garden and he was talking to me, and I noticed how muscly and strong and dark he is… and I was like ‘ummmm’ 🙂

    And then he was telling me how much he liked me and then loved me… and kissed me, and I felt like ‘wooaa dude, slow down’ but I notice how I was able to feel romantic in his prescence.

    Now wondering if I can feel generally more
    romantic in the prescence of most guys.

    Wow, that feels exciting!

  100.  #101Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Soul Sista,

    Lol, yes probably.

    🙂 xx

  101.  #102Lily T. on June 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    #93 Ella,

    I’ve NEVER heard of a man wearing a wedding ring, joking about having a wife to prevent women throwing themselves at him. Honestly, does this ring true at all with you?

    I think your instincts that he has a legal wife in Gambia and is looking for a woman for ‘comfort’ here is a more probable scenario.

    Ugh. Makes me feel icky thinking about it.

  102.  #103Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    I am feeling curious and knowledge thirsty tonight.

    How does it work with being authentic if our authentic state is actually masc energy, leaning forward and controlling.

    But we choose fem energy and leaning back.

    But we do not feel authentic, cus that is not who we really are (as yet…) and we tell a guy ‘it feels best when you make a plan’ when in fact it really feels best to me when I make the plan! Lol.

    What would be a more authentic thing to say in this scenario?

    Would it be something like ‘well my instincts are for me to launch into making a plan, however I am experimenting with allowing men to take the lead because I am learning how great it feels to be taken care of by a man’

    What do y’all think/feel?


  103.  #104alias girl on June 30, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    what i feel amazed about is how men don’t seem to mind the truth.

    i can use all sorts of feeling messages or “don’t wants”:

    ie. “I appreciate your advice. I just don’t want any more right now.”

    “i feel shut down”

    “I feel run over”

    I feel smushed”

    and this guy was not even offended. and then he asked me for my number. ???

    and as you can imagine i felt surprised because the above messages where what i was feeling so the interaction didn’t feel great to me and i’m not sure if i feel good to spend more time with him.

    i am practicing being honest and men seem attracted to that.

    i get asked out by men often now. i still don’t say yes to all of them but i practice practice practice feeling messages all the time on everyone as much as i can remember to.

    currently i am trying to line up some “sex for alias girl” situations. which would be men i feel cared for by but aren’t quite the whole package for me.

    I mean obviously i would prefer the whole package but i don’t want to deprive myself of sex just because a situation falls short of what i am ultimately looking for.

    i think i may have found my first partner that fits this. although i feel challenged because a part of me wants to reject him because i don’t see him as a long term partner.

    but i do want sex. so maybe that will override my reject button. we kissed already and it was good!!

    he’s young. of course. lol. but he chose me and i went with it. and then i found out his age and was like. ah, fcuk. but oh well. if he’s part of “sex for alias girl” program then maybe young is good. i like younger guys. lol. oh, and he’s not my “type.” but he treated me really well on our date.

    eh. we’ll see. it doesn’t matter anymore because there are new men EVeRYDAY.

    yes, everyday.

  104.  #105kaitlyn on June 30, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Yay! The return of Alias Girl!

  105.  #106Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Kaitlyn and Lily T…

    Yeah sounds like a greaseball, and that just isn’t the feeling I have had off him… not 1 bit.

    Not even slightly.

    But I do feel mistrustful that there is not some withheld information.

  106.  #107alias girl on June 30, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    ella i experimented with both. first what i did was soley “lean back” behavior. just so i could learn the new rori way and unlearn what was automatic (and overfunctioning).

    then i began to experiment so i could see for myself. and i paid attention to how i FELT in the results of what occurred with my ‘lean forward’ experiments. i went online and totally took control and lead conversations and even asked guys out. for me it felt AWFUL. and the men felt very feminine. whether they were or not, my behavior illicited that response from them. also i discovered that once i stopped “rowing the boat” the boat stopped moving. lol.

    but i encourage experimenting after you have mastered the rori basics. then you will know -Experientially- what you prefer.

    now i experiment with doing more of what i desire to do as long as i am in a rockstar frame of mind. otherwise i will default to leanback. or sometimes i will experiment with lean forward when not in rockstar mode and it usually leaves me with a kind of ick feeling and a note to self not to repeat that. 🙂

  107.  #108Ella on June 30, 2011 at 2:55 pm



    He’ll be back.

    Remember to keep the focus on you and your feelings though.

    You are the focus.

    He will get over his sulk.

    Course he knows you want to talk to him really. I feel triggered when I hear men say stuff like this after a few missed calls.

    Grrrrr. Grow a pair!

    Hugs Daria. xoxox

  108.  #109alias girl on June 30, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    aw thanks kaitlyn. i feel welcomed. 🙂 i feel unsure if i am back for long as this blog can take up a lot of my time (albeit in an enjoyable way).

    but for some reason i felt like sharing.

  109.  #110Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    ella wedding ring? for that reason…ok, that is just stupid. i doubt if it’s true (sounds friggin ridiculous!) but if it was this guy is an asshole. he’s a liar.

  110.  #111Daria on June 30, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Kaitlyn – I dono… I don’t know if he called while my phone is off…

    That is something I couldve said…

    My concern mainly was I felt icky reading what he wrote… And I don’t want to wind up dwelling on it and turning myself off

    He just texted me now: ‘why is that babe? ‘

    And I said ‘papi! I feel relieved. I don’t want to text it would feel good to hear your voice’

    Now he said ‘ok when I get to the house’

    I feel relieved!

    Now he says ‘love you babe’

  111.  #112Daria on June 30, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Alias girl! I learn from you! Thank you!

    I appreciate your advice, I just don’t want anymore right now.

    I feel smushed.

    Me likey!

  112.  #113kaitlyn on June 30, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    I feel nervous that Adam won’t call me before he leaves for Europe tmrw for 10 days.

  113.  #114Daria on June 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I feel icky and hot aura and stuffy unshowered but I feel scared of feeling mega pain on the motorcycle burn on my leg.

  114.  #115Ella on June 30, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Yeah… ok

    I guess the question is not whether he is married… but how do I deal with it now?

    I had already agreed to meet him tomorrow and walk to the local pub with him.

    And I will see him there no matter what.

    How do I tell him I don’ believe him whilst still in fem…

    Guess I could start with ‘I feel mistrustful’ and then if he continues to be less truthful, engage the walk away…

    What do you all think?


  115.  #116alias girl on June 30, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    daria. i learn so much from YOU!!! you are becoming quite the lovely…


  116.  #117Daria on June 30, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Ella – Throwing some stuff out there…

    ‘I feel weird to bring this up… And I really want to be honest … That feels important to me. I’m feeling really weird and kinda confused about the whole wedding ring story. I feel kinda mistrustful that an unmarried man would wear a wedding ring … And I want to feel safe with you… What’s up’

  117.  #118Daria on June 30, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Alia girl! Why thank you 🙂

    I’m also starting to sing !


  118.  #119alias girl on June 30, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    daria. you can do it!!

    if the desire is there, so is the possibilty of it becoming a reality.

  119.  #120Ella on June 30, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Alias Girl re 107

    Thank you.

    Yes I am at the experimenting stage, and I can already tell without needing to do much experimenting that in general I def feel MUCH better when I lean back.


  120.  #121Ella on June 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    I have recommened 2 new women to this site now… don’t know if either are/will read and post on the blog…

    Feels good to share the message, and I always feel slightly scared when sharing with women I know cus they will read everything I have written.

    Wow, that feels scary.

    My intimate thoughts and feelings.

    Although my intention always was to show myself here… no matter who is reading.

    I wanted to recommend the site to Pubman’s g,friend too… and that just felt too unsafe.

    Like emotional suicide.

    And I felt danger vibes from her and unsafe and mistrustful.

    And a part of me still felt compassion and wanted to help her feel better.

    And I love me more!

    Te he.


  121.  #122Daria on June 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    He says the sex felt so good. He said it’s the best he’s had in his Life.


    : 0

    I’m like, for real babe?


  122.  #123Ella on June 30, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Daria re 117

    That is Brilliant!

    Yep, thank you, that has started me off.

    I feel more confident now.

    Just feels difficult to find the balance between fem and standing up for myself. Usually I would just flat out disbelieve and call his bluff and tell him ‘No, you are lieing’ and that is so masc…

    I feel glad to practice with something new and I intend not to be fobbed off.

  123.  #124Ella on June 30, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Daria re 122

    Yay! Woohoo.

    Lol. That feels GREAT to read.

    This one is for you:

    😉 teasing

  124.  #125Ella on June 30, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Ok just spoke to J on FB IM.. he tried to call first and I missed is call, then he got me on IM.

    Super good feeling conversation.

    He has planned a date.

    And now I am getting Super Attacks of the NVs…

    Oh F it I am just gonna tell them to SHUT UP! and enjoy this…

    Seriously, don’t wanna stuff but getting seriously F-ed off with these NVs.

    Esp triggering my ‘not good enough’ stuff cus he is young and hot…

    But I’m like ‘yeah, whatever, feel so tired of that boring old stuff now!!’

    I intend to just enjoy myself.

    Alos feel afraid cus there is quite a lot of chemistry… and I know that can be a warning sign.

    Is lots of chemistry always a warning sign? Is it always a bad thing?

    I don’t feel like I know him, not at all…

    It feels like something new, and super scary. I feel afraid of this intimacy and massive fear trigger around strong feelings and then losing that…

    Grrr, why can’t I just f-ing enjoy it!!!

    GRRRRRR @ Me.

    Ok, love me, and my feelings, even my scared ones… and NVs.

    Felt safe when I was with him…

    But I feel off balance, when I am not with him… cus I like him a lot. And NVs attack. Esp around me being older.

    Maybe just need to see how it feels next time I am with him, and take my time… take it slow, and notice how I feel.

    Is chemistry always a bad thing? Is it a reason not to see someone?

  125.  #126Ella on June 30, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Feeling lil scared and so would like to be strong on the inside, super confident Siren woman about this.

    Like Demi Moore.

  126.  #127Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:03 pm


    You mentioned on the previous thread that I could keep open heart to Pubman.

    But atm I just feel SO ANGRY! If I see him and I remain open to him I will probably punch him in the face!

    Well I won’t but I want to.

    I feel SOOOO Mad, I don’t want him anywhere near me.

    Seems best just to give him a look so he can see exactly what I am feeling, and then keep well well away.


    I feel curious though… what would staying open heart whilst feeling like this look like?

    Can you describe?


  127.  #128Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Ella – the way to deal w chemistry is to not male it ‘mean’ anything…

    It might be bad, cuz of past patterns, or it might not…

    As long as we don’t make it mean : meant to be relationship

    We are fine.

  128.  #129Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Daria re 128…

    Wow, that feels SO hard.

    It is like to opposite of everything we have ever been taught, and yet it makes sense.

    So it means nothing.

    It is just chemistry.

    And that is fine.

    And how will I know the difference between this and the good feelings that mean relationship?

    Or is it that I don’t have to? The man will continue to step up until it is a relationship (ie marraige) and I will only accept IF I feel good?

  129.  #130Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    And the other part of it that is hard is that it feels SO good, that when I have it I really don’t want to lose it…

    So feel like ‘grabbing’ on to it.

    What would be FAB to learn here is how to tone down this super high feeling, just a bit, without losing the enjoyment, so as not to get hooked into the chemical high type situation…

    That would feel great to learn.

    Treat him just the same as any other CD… Not anymore special.

    I am the Prize, I am the Prize.

    And relax.

    Doesn’t matter if he is not ‘the one’ other good men will come anyway.

    This is where I want to be.

  130.  #131Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Ella – yeah, being open would mean that instead of uhhuh or shutting down on purpose and treating him cold…

    I just say how I feel when he approaches me…

    Like: ‘I’m feeling very very angry. I felt humiliated. I feel like bashing you and I’m still feeling upset. I don’t even know what to do.’

  131.  #132Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Yes I can do that.

    Treat them all equally.

    Do it Ella.

    We have agreed on a lazy day, but for me that doesn’t mean just hang out all day in my room.

    That would not feel comfortable straight away.

    I feel open to walking somewhere (another suggestion of his) and I will say this to him tomorrow.

    Ok, so chemistry is all good.

    And means nothing.

    Think I was already starting to make it mean something and this felt like pressure on the siuation…

    Just want to relax.

    Stay with it Ella. Love you. xoxox

  132.  #133Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Ella – what’s bern happening for me lately is that multiple men I feel attracted to are showing up, so I have chemistry w a whole bunch and not getting so hooked on one.

    Also finding myself feeling way more open to different men that before I would have not been able to be attracted to

  133.  #134Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:18 pm


    Would I ask him to leave me alone?

  134.  #135Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Daria re 133

    That is cool!

    And yes this is starting to happen for me too.

    And I still seem to get ‘favourites’ even though we are not meant to.

    With this guy if I can remember he is just ONE of my CDs that will help.

    Help keep me level AND help keep the situation light and pleasurable.

    I alrady feel annoyed with myself cus in the IM conversation earlier he initiated how much he liked me.

    I felt way out of my depth (again, as always when guys are coming at me heavy with this stuff atm) and it was a balancing act between being authentic and not closing off, and not getting over excited in the chemistry.

    I think I did ok. I said how I felt… which was whatever I was feeling in that moment.

    He said a whole lot of stuff about how much he likes me and is digging me…

    And then I said I felt ‘in awe’ of the situation.

    And now I feel annoyed that I said that.

    Feels like making it somehow really important. And that feels bad.

    It is just another sitauation.

    I guess I just wasn’t expecting to get this kind of thing with a 19 year old…

    I don’t know, feel silly for saying I felt in awe!


    But, I guess its minor. Just a fleeting feeling.

    Doesn’t really matter. And the rest of the conversation I felt good about how I responded.

    Auhentically and from the heart, whilst still keeping a handle on the overall situation (ie: not totally lost in the chemistry jungle).

  135.  #136Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    @76: Emerson says:
    “…I did sit there for a few moments after he said oh all I have is a card to pay with, and thats when he pointed the bill so i could see it…”

    What kind of card is it that only pays part of a restaurant check and not the whole thing?!!!

    “No problem this restaurant accepts credit cards.”


  136.  #137tinque on June 30, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Ella = What stands out for me loud and clear as I’m watching/reading your experiences and subsequent growth is that you SO get it. And maybe you don’t yet see ho much you really DO get it.

    You answer your own questions beautifully.


  137.  #138tinque on June 30, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Emerson – That felt uncomfortable for me to read, so I can only imagine being there in it.

    I will say that he did msg you to let you know he was running late. It happens, so I wouldn’t write someone off for this, but the rest…ick.

    I like FW way, look blankly at him, smile, and say bye, gotta go now.


  138.  #139Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    @93: Ella says:
    “…Then he holds up his left hand and says ‘and that is wht I wear this on this finger…’ and there is a gold band on his wedding finger…”

    Hmmm, Such nonsense. I’d treat him as a married man.


  139.  #140Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Actually just reviewed IM conversation with J…

    And it was pretty F8cken awesome… esp on my part… some Great FMs.

    SO I feel good about that.

    Lil note to self… with this one I am going to especially practice, keeping the focus on me.

    That looks like accepting compliments and automatically returning them… or feeling I should.

    It looks like expressing how I feel…

    It looks like staying in touch with how I feel.

    It looks like not making special exceptions to my rules for him bc I am attracted to him.

    It looks like putting ME first.

    Is it lean forward to say how I feel about him though… in response to what he says about me… if I feel it eg: at the end of our convo he said ‘I am really digging you right now’

    And I replied, awwww, and me you.

    Previously I had said stuff like ‘awww that feels good’ and this time I said I felt it about him too.

    Is that ok?

    I feel so vulnerable right now cus this is all so new… having guys like this come at me so much… Like full on VOOOOM POW.

    I want to feel reassured. Feeling a lil out of my depth. Like a Diver in the deep sea.

  140.  #141Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Ella – I would ask him to leave me alone if that’s what I wanted

    Honestly for myself, I would want to hear what he says first. I can ask him to leave me alone after if no miracle feel better thing happens

  141.  #142Senior Lady Vibe on June 30, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    @115: Ella says:
    “…What do you all think? …”

    No, thank you. I don’t date married men. Goodbye.


  142.  #143Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Ella – I Feel good when I share how good I feel with a man’s attention,

    Like in awe of him , feeling butterflies when he touches me. Feeling relaxed hearing his voice, feeling like I’m walking on air and filled w energy

    I like to share this… Practicing

    I know one of my ‘stances’ was ‘playing it cool’ and am babystepping to undoing that

  143.  #144Daria on June 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    if i keep on like this im gonna wind up married!!


    i feel blank and about to be teary

  144.  #145Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm


    Thank you so much.

    That feels good to read.


  145.  #146Ella on June 30, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    SLV re 142

    Yes, that is a rule for me.

    And I am going to ask him about it first. Using Daria’s suggested FMs dialogue above.

    I want to see what he says.

    I don’t want to be mugged off though. So will engage walk away and ‘goodbye’ techniques if needed.

  146.  #147Ella on June 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Daria re 144,

    Yep that is how I often feel.

    When I think about that I actually could be married soon I get a MASSIVE fear reaction.

    Like NO NOOOO! I AM NOT READY! I am still practicing!

    I feel too scared.

    Can’t imagine just being with 1 guy for ever more…


    He would have to be AMAZING.

    And sometimes I feel blank too. And afraid of boredom and familiarity (the negative, take you for granted kind) cus this is what I have experienced before in LTRs.


    Hard to have a picture of something you have never experienced.

    And yet I am experiencing more and more GREAT, lovely men stepping up and me feeling good.

    And that feels great.

  147.  #148Ella on June 30, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Daria re 143.

    One of my biggest stances is/was playing it cool.

    And I can revert to that so easily.

    Somtimes just feel so darned goofy and bumbling in the dark when I drop that… unsure of myself.

    Feel v afraid of rejection when I am sharing with a man how good I feel in his prescence. And being open that I like him.

    Scared he will assume I must think it means something… and that I am trying to ‘lock him down’ (het thats where the leaning back comes in) and scared of labels like ‘bunny boiler’.

    And that is like majorly triggering.

    Babysteps to trying something new.

    Babysteps to being strong inside and soft on the outside. Being authentic, and strong enough to do that without being shattered if the reaction is not the best.

    Share for the sake of expressing not for an outcome.

    Gosh I feel on some kind of Siren high type thing tonight.

    Like all this stuff is here in me and just coming out.

    And it feels GREAT. And like amazing progress and yet I need to calm down in a min and start to relax for sleeping time.

  148.  #149Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm


    Cha Ching!

  149.  #150Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    I did it! i showered with my burn bandaged and saran wrapped!

    i take such awesome care of me!

    woo hoo!!!

  150.  #151Ella on June 30, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    No thanks.

    I don’t date married men.

    Ow, I feel scared of his reaction.

    Going to say/do it anyway.

  151.  #152Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    “So much of the time, the things we DO and SAY are all about GETTING or GIVING Love, but the effect of those things we DO have on a man is usually superficial.”

    note to self.. i dont have to “give” him words of affection,

    i can share how i feel to have an emotional connection

  152.  #153Ella on June 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Night Sirens.

    Thank you for tonight.

    I feel awed, inspired and grateful. And energised.

    As ever. xxx

  153.  #154Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:26 pm



    As a girl who digs riding on bikes, alot,I feel for you and your burn BIG time. Excellent way to take care of it. I have only had one and it was years ago and still have a scar. Now I dismount the bike by standing on one peg/foot rest and swinging my leg over like I am getting off a horse. Works everytime.

  154.  #155Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn…Gloria Steinem

    Isn’t that the truth.

  155.  #156Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    ella ~ if you think that’s scary i just told the man i have been madly in love with for a year and a half i’m going to date different men until i’m about to get married…talk about scary! he didn’t like it…but he respected it. i’ve never experienced him respond to me so even-keeled.

  156.  #157Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    well it looks like my bandage got soaked… but at least it didnt hurt!!!

  157.  #158Lilybelle on June 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm


    Wow, Sista. That is impressive. How do you feel?

  158.  #159Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    “So know that you can use ANYTHING – any moment, anywhere, to allow your feelings to show – to stay open, to look him in the eye with your heart open and TAKE IN his love, instead of SENDING or GIVING him love.”

    take in, take in…

    “This may not come naturally for you, especially when you’re so used to hiding what you’re feeling for fear you’ll scare a man away or have him thinking you’re just flaky.”

  159.  #160Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    in the car last nite, there was the most self assured, yet unassuming 5 year old

    i realize that at that age our emotional wisdom is basically fully functional… or at least on par with most adults

    she was amazing, self confident yet compassionate, was able to reassure and motivate

    q to her: “so is it going to be hard for you to teach me to dance?”

    ans: “no, the way i will teach you won’t be hard. it’s going to be Easy”

    i felt in awe

    i feel in awe now remembering it

    i remember thinking wow this is the most amazing person, i want to hang around her

    and she was 5


  160.  #161Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    “when i get taller, i’ll go with you to the club and dance. i want to wear my white dress, the one you got me for my birthday”

  161.  #162Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    that means that we have a lot of “maturing” of our human emotional powers that we can do … as “adult” humans we would probably be like super conscious gods goddesses and angels

    and that we mostly operate on a 5 year old level now

  162.  #163Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Lilybelle ~ I was so nervous…but i knew i had to do it…i told him i was doing it for my own heart and that i loved him. but that i have to keep my options open to marry the right man. it was exciting.

    after, i felt relieved. and it was hard because the past few days i had given him the impression that he “had me.” and when i realized i was screwing up at first i responded to something he said about “working”making me feel better…which was DEAD WRONG. (we’re in business together).

    i said “i’m a girl not a guy. that is not going to fulfill my needs right now.” so, i figured i segwayed (sp?) into the speech…and i told him that i needed to get my needs’s a long distance thing.

    now, i am not checking my email until Sunday. i can’t block him because we need to get back to business when we have to. but i’m not checking it and i already have a date for Saturday night.

    i feel a tiny bit sad, a little bit blank but VERY relieved.

  163.  #164pat on June 30, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    For this bliss to intentionally happen, the guy who comes to you will really want you, you say. But what if you are on-line dating & have gone out for alot of dates. Great, but several of these guys after having lunch/dinner with you will continue to email & call to let you know how they feel (as in I like you). But even though they are nice & gentlemen, you know very soon how you feel. It’s just not “there”. And I don’t mean color of their eyes. I’m selective, but very much over weight & belly hanging over their belt, yellow teeth? So how do I say, “but he’s into me”. I have 4 to choose from like that right now????

  164.  #165Soul Sista on June 30, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    also, ladies, i don’t think i did it perfectly…but this relationship hurts me…i didn’t tell him how i feel really because i had leaned forward so much i was protecting myself and needed to pull as far away as possible to stop the hurt.

    it’s like i abuse myself for indulging in it because it’s not what i want. so, i did the best i could…

    so don’t lean forward…it hurts

  165.  #166Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:50 pm


    HandsomeMan is on pof

    i feel all flushed

    i miss him!

    i liked the way he hugged and kissed me

    i liked his wisdome

    i feel blank that he really said to me “i think we’re looking for different things”

    and then started making those side comments that felt bad

    i think he was a “promoter” according to that book linked in FW’s link

    which means

    that if he’s seriously disturbed… he’ll talk more, and throw a “tantrum”

    (but knowing that this can happen means we don’t have to write him off…)

    which is what this promoter did… throw a tantrum of ‘subtle complaining’

    anyways, i miss him

    wish i could wave a magic wand and erase that icky feeling stuff

  166.  #167Daria on June 30, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    pat – the idea is to keep practicing opening up, and the “tools” with these men that DO like you

    so that you can learn about yourself, and overcome your triggers, and the toxic patterns that keep you from accepting love, and maybe beign attracted to toxic men

    so you don’t actually “choose” from the men who are trying to date you

    you just date, going to each date as practice, to learn about yourself…

    what is the message from the man? what did he show up to heal?

    as you grow and become better at opening up and telling the truth, better and better men will come along, and eventually they’ll start proposing, and eventually you will feel good saying yes

  167.  #168Brenda on June 30, 2011 at 7:12 pm


    I just read your article about the Twilight Series. I love those movies/books!! And all that you said is so deep and insightful…I just have a hard time swallowing it – yet.

    I still want to believe in fairy tales. I don’t want just any man. I want to create my fantasy and have it cum true. I feel so confused and conflicted.

    Because Kenny is the man in my life who WANTS me…yet I feel bored with him. I can’t relate to him on a spiritual level, and that is most important to me. Kenny called me his Bella after he saw the first movie. I couldn’t call him my Edward. He is my Jacob, and I’m afraid I’m gonna break his heart.

    Ryan is my Edward…and I want him so bad….I still struggle every day to not contact him. I don’t want to walk away. And yet I must and I am. But it makes life on earth a dull place.

  168.  #169Turquoise3 on June 30, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Hi Sirens… interesting reading tonight. Ella, one thing I have heard time and time again, people will show you who they are and tell you who they are, you just have to listen.

    I’m thinking your married man is married. He is showing you a ring, has a child who lives with his mother, good chance she is his wife. I wouldn’t waste my time with a guy like that.

    Your 19 year old, wow… I can’t even imagine dating a teenager now. I’m older than you, but 11 years is a big difference. I’m wondering about your comment regarding if he isn’t the one. Do you think he could be the one? I’m just thinking back to when I was 19 and the guys I dated then. You are british right? Maybe they are more mature… 19 yr old american boys who try to hook up with older women are looking for the fantasy. I recently had a very hot 23 year old write to me, asking if I was into slightly younger guys… 14 years is more than slightly. I thanked him for the interest, but knew that wasn’t what I was looking for. You talk about a wide range of men, age, jobs, nationality… do you have a type? I’m just curious because mine is pretty specific. I wonder if I’m limiting myself too much?

    I like men my age, tallish with broad shoulders, with dark hair, prefer light eyes, but date a lot of brown eyed men, white only, prefer educated and seem better matched with them. I am drawn to military/cop/dangerous career type men, but also men who work very hard and are driven.

    A guy who is less career driven seems less masculine to me. A slight/slim man, looks more fem. to me. I’ve dated blondes, don’t do red, but think dark haired men are sexier…. think it’s the deeper skin tone too. Hmmm…

    I’m picky/selective. About a lot. I’m not very open. Am I stubborn?

    In other news, we are putting a bid in on a house tomorrow… I’m scared and excited all at once. A lot of people tell me they think my ex wants to get back together or he wouldn’t be doing this. I don’t know what to believe. He hasn’t said anything to make me think that. I’d be open to the idea, we are different people now. I’m doing so much better with feeling messages and asking what he thinks about things. We are communicating much much better now.

  169.  #170pat on June 30, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Thanks Daria, 1st I haven’t found any I like. These men are not toxic. Been there, done that. So I know what to look for & I am not finding it. I do get the “choose thing & the practice thing” your telling me though. I don’t what he’s trying to heal, but he’s not healing me, if you see where I’m coming from. I’ve been telling the truth before I started dating online, 1 1/2 yrs. So then all these nice guys (yucky as I mentioned earlier), are not the better ones? Even though they are the ones Rori says, the ones falling over you.

  170.  #171Daria on June 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    pat – don’t look for anything

    take charge of your OWN healing…

    pick a Rori tool to practice (do you have the e-book? its inexpensive and lays out the essential basics)

    such as feeling messages

    or leaning back physically

    then observe yourself, and write about how you did after

    this is the way to do the healing

    it can feel discouraging at first when all the men showing up are not attractive… but it gets better as you grow… more attractive men show up

  171.  #172Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    I feel like the suggestion of how to respond with feeling messages about paying and wanting the guy to take charge, etc, are great suggestions, but it feels so hard for me to imagine actually saying those things.

    I feel scared to say those things, like “I feel uncomfortable paying on dates, I like when the guy takes charge, it makes me feel taken care of”
    Sounds great but I cannot imagine being brave enough to say it.

    I feel insecure and triggered and defensive thinking it was something I DID to make him decide not to pay for the whole thing, like I made it seem like I don’t value myself somehow. Like I put that vibe out. Maybe I do, and that hurts. I don’t know how to change it. I have been trying so hard. I feel discouraged.

    This feels so icky and sad and bad. I don’t know what to do.

  172.  #173pat on June 30, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Daria, Your great, when trying to make a point to me. You made me chuckle. When I said, “well he’s not healing me”, … was well there’s another one who I’m not interested in”. The problem online is having the more attractive ones see you & your profile as special, before they meet you. The un-attractive ones sure do. I either get the 30 & 40 yr olds or 70+. We all know what the 1st group wants & we won’t talk about the latter. I get your point……onward soldiers. So have you reached what your last sentence says yet?

  173.  #174Daria on June 30, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    pat – not yet, i am at the part where the men showing up as practice ARE attractive… yay! 🙂

    here’s my suggestions for online – i have a LOT of men messaging me online

    put up SEXY professional pictures. glamour shots done by a photographer. show boobs… look glamourous

    that should take care of any issues

    then write a somewhat short profile of how you FEEL during the day and how you’d like to FEEL with a man – make it poetic


    it sounds like you have some judgements going on holding you back from love: “we all know what the 30, 40 year olds want”

    you’re going to want to heal that. drop all judgement and pay attention to your feelings, not feelings for a man, but YOUR feelings about you in the moment…

    its a big change

    its gonna be hard to understand the process without the basics… so i really encourage you to get Roris 20$ book

  174.  #175Daria on June 30, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Emerson – great! feel those feelings girl… those icky sad sad sad feelings… tell yourself you love you, you love your feelings as if they’re a baby

    and… you WILL get brave enough to say those things…

    BABYSTEPS… it takes practice

    shoot, i wound up feeling bad paying for my own meal when i was out with two guys the other day… and i know i could have handled it differently… babysteps

  175.  #176Turquoise3 on June 30, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    In regards to the article…. I LOVE the books. There is so much detail that isn’t in the movies…. I adore the series. I’ve read them several times. When my sister died, I stayed home from work for a few days, didn’t sleep well, and I read the entire series in 10 days. It was therapy for me. I got lost in the characters, the drama, how I felt, and it was healing for me. I was hurting soo much, I needed the fantasy to get me through. I think Bella’s character is a little over dramatized, but that makes it interesting. I love that her inner strength, something she didn’t even know she had, comes from within her to protect her loved ones. I love that she grew throughout the series, in a storyline that only spans about 2 years. I believe in soul mates, but also think there are other people who could be good/right for you. I think my ex was my soul mate, but that our love wasn’t meant to last forever. It was meant to be though. That is something that is hard for me to understand, why it wasn’t an everlasting love. He’s definitely been the love of my life, yet, when we were together, it got very toxic.

    I hope there is another big love coming for me, but it’s hard to imagine I’ll ever love anyone else the way I loved him. For one, I’ve been hurt, it’s harder to let myself be truly open to someone else. I think I’ll guard my heart for a long time. When I met my ex I was young, didn’t expect anything bad to ever happen, and just loved with abandon.

    I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever really meet another true love. I’m very disappointed in dating in my 30’s. It’s been fairly anticlimatic.

  176.  #177Emerson on June 30, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    174 thanks Daria

  177.  #178Ice Princess on June 30, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    I am so happy to report that I leaned back and he called on his own! And, I used feeling messages to tell him how I felt about everything and he ended up returning my feeling messages with one of his own!! Starting to feel like everything might be okay.

  178.  #179Turquoise3 on June 30, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Mel, thinking of you…… hope you are doing ok.

  179.  #180Dorothea on June 30, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    woah an alias girl appearance!

  180.  #181ConflictedWendy on June 30, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Now I realize why I love the Twilight saga so much. I have watched the movies about 20 times and read the books multiple times. Never could figure out what it was that I liked so much. Now I know.

    I am learning more about myself through these blogs and am thankful for all your responses. I am still proceeding with my divorce because I have found out that my husband has been unfaithful to me for at least 20 years and I just kept staying in it hoping it would get better but it has only gotten worse. I feel that it is the best for me and my daughter. I can’t live with someone who says they don’t care what I do, has told me many lies, and only wants to stay together because I am carrying most of the financial burden. Is this the wrong choice or should I try another 10-20 years? I am 45 and miserable. I really want to enjoy the rest of my life.

  181.  #182Lucy on July 1, 2011 at 12:03 am

    I believe in soulmates. TNman and I were “soulmates for a season.” My Love and I are, I think, going to become soulmates. He believes in becoming soulmates.

  182.  #183Daria on July 1, 2011 at 12:36 am

    Wendy – oh dear! i really support and encourage you … you know you are making a choice for your health and happiness… you deserve a wonderful relationship

  183.  #184annon on July 1, 2011 at 12:38 am

    How on Earth can anyone consider the Twilight series a positive example of love? Or anything but the terrifyingly unhealthy relationship that it is?

    The entire credibility of this site was teetering on ridiculous for me, but the avocation of this book takes me over the edge.

  184.  #185Daria on July 1, 2011 at 12:45 am

    hi annon… well i certainly am not a fan of the series…

    but anything, especially a story about love can be used to explore the way we humans work

    did u get the chance to read the article?

    Rori doesn’t support the unhealthy relationship

    there’s a lot of really powerful information on this site…

    but it takes some openeness and suspending judgement…

    just go with whatever calls to you…

    maybe its not this site for you…

    for me it has been transforming my communication and relationships… and raised my self esteem sky high

  185.  #186Kyla on July 1, 2011 at 2:37 am

    Well yesterday my girl did not want to let my boy work on the to do list. She wanted to sit at the computer and research fun social things for her to join when she moves. I have found a family gym that has all sorts of free, fun, supervised kids activities scheduled evenings and weekends so I can go to the gym or go swimming without having to organize a babysitter. Then I found loads of different interest and social groups I may be interested in, checked out the local theatre which has free family shows every month as well as lots of shows that interested me, I found a spa for getting laser hair removal (my treat to myself), researched festivals and events, had a look at the dog parks and nature trails, found a close by golf course with beginners lessons, looked up the bus routes and shopping centers..

    After all that I can actual picture living there. I can see what my day will be like, how I’ll fill up my week and make a new social network to replace the one I have here. I can see how much fun I’m going to have!! I feel excited and enthusiastic! There will no be no moping around in my dad’s place feeling in the way and sorry for myself and missing my old life and crying on the phone to R. I will be taking care of myself and filling myself up and then sharing my experiences with R when we talk. I feel adventurous 😀

  186.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 2:54 am

    @184: annon says:
    “…The entire credibility of this site was teetering on ridiculous for me, but the avocation of this book takes me over the edge…”

    Do you ever find absurdity delightful?


  187.  #188Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 2:58 am

    @181: ConflictedWendy says:

    “…should I try another 10-20 years? I am 45 and miserable. I really want to enjoy the rest of my life….”

    Life is short. Don’t choose misery. Choose happiness and the sooner the better.


  188.  #189Butterfly Wings on July 1, 2011 at 3:27 am

    @181: ConflictedWendy says:

    “…should I try another 10-20 years? I am 45 and miserable. I really want to enjoy the rest of my life….”

    I’m with SLV – life is definitely too short.

    Also, your daughter will fare much better with two happy separated parents than she would with two miserable parents who are together.

    If your marriage cannot be worked out, then why would you wait? Dragging out the pain will not benefit anybody.

    Don’t let him put the guilt trip on you either. So many men do that when they realise that you’re not longer going to put up with their cr@p….

    Divorce is so very hard (I know, because I’ve done it twice!), but living a miserable, lonely life is sooo much worse.

    You deserve happiness Wendy, and so does your daughter. Show her through your actions how a woman should stand up for herself and not accept crumbs!

    You can do this and you will have plenty of support here. 🙂

  189.  #190Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 5:14 am

    Hi sirens. Just returned from vacation. Still catching up. Great to see you all.

  190.  #191kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 5:15 am


    I just saw your q to me way back about him asking you to call him, and you (to get him into pursuit mode) giving your # and asking him to call you. Did he? If not, just call him and have your other instances with him be you leaning back and him pursuing. I think men these days are dense and don’t understand women want to be pursed. Most guys these days think courting means opening the door for the woman.

  191.  #192Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 5:19 am

    184: annon says:

    How on Earth can anyone consider the Twilight series a positive example of love? Or anything but the terrifyingly unhealthy relationship that it is?

    The entire credibility of this site was teetering on ridiculous for me, but the avocation of this book takes me over the edge.

    Friday, 1 July 2011 @ 12:38am

    Hmmmm, I feel confused. Rori didn’t use the movie as a positive example of love. In fact, just the opposite.

    At least that is the way I read the article….

    Looks like you and Rori may be in agreement after all.

  192.  #193Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 5:21 am

    130 @Ella ” And the other part of it that is hard is that it feels SO good, that when I have it I really don’t want to lose it…

    So feel like ‘grabbing’ on to it.”

    THIS is the heart of it Ella , of getting out of our own way. YES sex and chemistry FEELS amazing and YES we want to grab it with both hands and then add the layers of relationship in order to KEEP it putting an outfit together…till its all amazing and glam and we feel sexy and gorgeous..And this terrorises new men and scares them away 🙂

    And we grab at it over and over and we over give and we over smile and we think its love and we get addicted to our chemistry till we drive that guy away with our desperation. I did it!

    But wait..he has no NEED to keep or hold it..he is a man ..he just does what he does , f’s around until HE FALLS IN LOVE. He has a whole different set of needs, different order of fulfilling them and a whole different set of drivers..

    The job then , is to stay connected , but not needy, fascinating but fancy free , interested but somehow truly open to OTHER OPPORTUNITIES. And still to honour our feminine need for family and nesting and connection in some way.

    For me Ella the answer was to step AWAY (painful) from the toxic guy, give up old ways of interacting including sexual chat, overly ready availability for dates and physical interactions, and GIVING to men.

    Changing all that for me has felt hurtful and has been made easier by being ill at the same time , all the cancer, surgeries , hospital etc ..helped me to just be a new me overnight. However I dont wish this for you 🙂

    So a plan,
    1. change everything, start with your lingerie drawer and your dresser.Move on to your environment especially your social environment, and maybe your work as you mentioned.

    2. Keep away from pub men as dates , drinking partners at your local are only a small pond out of the total stream of life!

    3.Curb your “grabbing’..see how you actually do it and how it looks on the outside (cuddling housemate a week after moving in for example while listening to his heartfelt woes and agonising over him..thats grabbing for crumbs- now hes just a housemate with a girlfriend, wow how it changes)

    4.Do NEW things , go to an art show, explore a parkland , shop at the markets , sew something, cook something new from much to do@!!!

    5. Truly CD as you are doing. It works!
    I am finding myself feeling more interested in doc man aft r these months of dating. We have a lot in common. Yet to see if it will survive a move coming up for me in a couple of months. I feel I can truly let it come or let it go..its truly a powerful good feeling!~!!!’ Its very different to the chemical feeling but I am growing to like it. its like Rori says.

    I have a new date too and hes quite exciting, two others are in the wings but i dont believe that they are available.. I have passed over several in this time (only one passed over me tee hee..) and thats with cancer and scars!!!!!!!!!

    Ella I truly love your open honest disclosure and I can feel you healing yourself every time you write , go Ella!!!

  193.  #194kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 5:24 am

    I walked around all day with hate in my heart, feeling used over this Adam thing. Maybe it’s just my nv’s saying that. I wouldn’t feel used if he’d not go 4-5 days of not contacting me. And tmrw he leaves on biz for abroad. I got no email/ph call saying bye. Am I expecting too much? Yes, he’s depressed. Yes, the whole ex/his ex friends debacle is intense (they suck. I hate them and never even met them), but c’mon.

    Hey philosophy students, is it natural to do something for someone simply out of unconditional love and no expectation; however, feel slighted when you had no idea you’d end up feeling pushed aside?

  194.  #195kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 5:26 am

    And it took a lot of gym time today to erase how that letter was still haunting me.

  195.  #196kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 5:38 am

    My one friend says give Adam time to cool off on his trip and he’ll probably be pursuing me again. I do know that tmrw I’m partying with friends I haven’t seen in a long time and will be open to meeting other guys. It’s not the goal, but I’m open to it.

  196.  #197Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Kaitlyn the USED feeling is usually about an expectation you hold that is not being met.

    perhaps you are expecting more from him? love ? A relationship? Yet you have told him you are friends .So he is treating you as a buddy ,and you are right in the friend zone. He is telling you stuff when he wants , confiding in you about his heart breaks and his care for someone else and he is not offering you love . he is not asking you how you are feeling. he is not coming towards you.

    Men are literal and you offered friendship . so thats all he is giving. He is hooked on his own drama stuff with ex and work etc..

    All I can say is that if you want to gewt out of the frined zone you need to tell him you dont like how it feels to be his friend only. That in your heart you want more and you dont want to be a sounding board about other women and relationships and so , you ar echoosing to step back . Then do it , step back, stop contact and see what happens.

  197.  #198Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 5:47 am

    “I wouldn’t feel used if he’d not go 4-5 days of not contacting me. ”

    Kaitlyn, believe me , you will feel used as long as you keep giving to him..listening to him talk about all his stuff , contacting him etc..

    Feeling used is directly proportionate to how much you GIVE with expectation of return.

    Used No More!!
    Stop giving to him if you want to feel valued and special , its what YOU do that makes you feel good , not about him at all.
    He may just notice the loss and turn to you and chase ..but he may well be incapable. Only one way to find out….

  198.  #199kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:04 am


    I’d always let him contact me first. Ok, except once ot twice.

    Also, I never told him we’re friends. He knows I had romantic interest upon his return because he said he did and blatantly asked if I felt the same way. I was truthful and said I did.

    Then BAM SMACK this ex/his friends drama happens and shakes up his whole world. That’s when he decided he just wants my friendship. I didn’t hang on as a tactic to get him to be my bf again.

    I just figured this was a little detour and I should hang on because 1) I have tons of empathy for how they wronged him and 2) His return before this started off romantically, initiated by him; I let him lead.

    Even Adam knows that I wasn’t just being there for him for self-serving reasons. But wow I never expected to not be talked to for 4-5 days.

    TINQUE tells me a man’s timeline is different, and it’s true he’s in no position to be anyone’s bf right now, but she also tells me I’m doing the right thing by being there for him. And when I mean there, I’m a supportive listener. I don’t give advice. Just listen. And he has told me how grateful he is I’m there for him.

    But wow, dude, can you be decent and know it’d mean a lot to me to call before you get on the plane and say bye?

  199.  #200Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Welcome back. I missed you.

  200.  #201kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:17 am

    199 Rosa,

    And trust me, we had a big conversation because when I first heard “Actually, I’m in no shape to be anyone’s bf right now” I told him I feel like I’ve been demoted to the friend zone. He expressed aghast that I considered his friendship a demotion. Then he said what he needs right now from me is a friend, and later on, who knows, but right now he needs me as a friend.

  201.  #202kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:21 am


    And don’t think I haven’t pondered “What if being there for him killed any remaining attraction he had for me? What if he sees me as a doormat now?” Believe me, I feel drained.

    Though tonight, way less attached to the outcome thanks to vodka.

  202.  #203T-Girl on July 1, 2011 at 6:21 am


    I could be way off, but I think he is using you in some way. He is getting what he needs from you and a perfect example is when he asked you to write him the great things about him. But what is he doing for you in return besides giving you lots of heartache? My hope for you is that you meet some GREAT guy when you party with your friends. Someone who can fill YOUR needs, not just theirs.

  203.  #204Letitshine on July 1, 2011 at 6:36 am

    OH SHIT!!!!! Any one here?? SLV….??? And are we on this one still or new one?? I’m posting at both.

    So the recent ex… review.. I told him no friends 2.5 weeks ago and told him no contact. I texted him sunday to get my water skis- told him to leave them outside..he said ok.. I said thanks.. he sent text tuesday saying he was on his way back to XXX. I didn’t respond. I am on my way this morning and asked if they were outside (he has a horrible memory).. His response ” they are outstide by the door. I wish I was there to see you”…WHAT THE F? No scripts for this one… I checked…

    So far this is my response but need help DESPARATELY!! “ok thank you. “I wish I was there to see you”… I feel glad, mad and sad all at the same time… I guess I don’t know how to feel about that.. youll miss seeing the new jeep..”…. Okay- don’t want to read into his comment too much but how can you not????? oh help help help…. I wasn’t expecting that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love him and certainly wouldn’t take him back without a couple of discussions about how to work on a couple of things … don’t think that’s what he is saying… but I got hope from that comment….doesn’t he realize what this is doing to me????

  204.  #205Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Hey LG. How did your birthday drive go? Hope you enjoyed yourself.

  205.  #206kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:37 am


    The ‘great things about you’ email is a kooky thing we do, started when we dated. The one he sent to me is swoon-worthy.

    And why is it when I feel unattached to the outcome, it’s fleeting? Does that mean it’ll happen soon for real? Ok, now doesn’t count because I’m wasted. Thank god I hardly drink; imagine the calories?

  206.  #207Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 6:40 am

    RE 204 That is how he was feeling in that moment. The next moment things can change. Don’t read too much into it. Just respond with how you are feeling “in the moment”.

  207.  #208kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:40 am

    204 letitshine,

    not sure, but your response was perfect.

  208.  #209kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:44 am

    And yep I prolly ruined everything by being there for him. Though, Tinque says I didn’t, and if he comes back, it’ll take time. That’s why I’ve been patient. But right now, I’m trying to cd. It’s hard.

  209.  #210Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 6:48 am

    kaitlyn I sense that you are skilled at talkng yourself out of success even if it is staring you in the face. What do you think?

  210.  #211kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 6:55 am

    210 FW

    what part here is the success?

  211.  #212Tulip on July 1, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Help!My friend has just her teenage son in a terrible accidence. i have sat here for an hour trying to think what to write in the sympathy card and everything i thing of sounds just not enough. I wanted to say something simple but appropriate and everything sounds corny or well, just wrong!
    Any suggestions?

  212.  #213Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 7:01 am

    kaitlyn in changing from seemingly being driven by urgency and anxiety to exhibiting patience.

    Changing oneself can inspire change in others.

    It is in relationships that we come face to face with ourselves. One reason for relationships is to become better people.

  213.  #214Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 7:02 am

    RE 212 Not sure you can ever say the right thing. How is he?

  214.  #215Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 7:06 am

    @204: Letitshine says:
    “…but I got hope from that comment….doesn’t he realize what this is doing to me????…”

    Oh, I knowwwww, a girl can get all melty from the little sweet “hopeful” comments. I’d take it as, I think it was FW, said…it’s an “in the moment” sentiment. The good news, it was kind and sweet not mean or angry. But IMHO, it doesn’t indicate anything ongoing. But, as I often say, the man is still on the planet, anything is possible and if he REALLY wants to see you again he will contact you and offer something.

    All the best, keep “working on yourself” (those are wise words from my mother) and CD-ing and if he contacts you in the future you will be so fine, fine, fine with a very together life and happy. And if he doesn’t you will still be fine, with a very together life, feeling happy and maybe you’ll have a new love interest.


  215.  #216kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 7:08 am

    213 FW,

    The patience I seem to exhibiting seems to be ruffling Rosa’s feathers. Not judging here. Just trying to explore this.

  216.  #217Tulip on July 1, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Sorry not checking for typos

    FW – he was 19 and he died in an accident abroad.
    I don’t think anyone can take in what happened, utter shock. known him since he was 3.

  217.  #218Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 7:18 am

    RE 216 We get triggered by different things because our experiences are different. Also you are exploring things to find what works for you in your life.

  218.  #219Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 7:21 am


    So, SO sorry to hear this, Tulip.

  219.  #220Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Kaitlyn, You didnt ruin anything, there was nothing to ruin, he has said he cant be a BF to anyone and he can only do friendship.

    The psain for you is in accepting the CRUMBS of friendship..most coaches suggest that friendship is not possible if you have a frankly confessed romantic interest in a person who is only feeling friendship for you. Rori says CD and I am happy to hear you are thinking this way .

    When i realised Gman was “using ” me and thought of me as a “:friend” , but was happy to take anything he could get from me meanwhile , (listening , support , comfort, food, sex etc) I was devastated , But I realised he was giving me CRUMBS . i put him on the back of my horse and rode on.

    Can you do this Kaitlyn , just see him as an interesting person you have a connection with but who is not available for love? This leaves you free to find someone who cant let a day go by without wanting to talk to you , who buys YOU a ticket to go OS with him, who wants friendship, commitment and love from YOU!

    It hurts to let them go, but its a life skill we develop on the way to love.

  220.  #221Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 7:22 am

    RE 217 I can only imagine. I don’t know what could possibly be the right words on paper for such situations. Just heard this morning that a friend’s sister just died suddenly at 42 yesterday.

    I also remember a high school friend dying abroad while on holiday. At the funeral her mother turned around and looked at the rest of us and said “why, why Marie”? It felt to me like she was asking why not one of these, why her daughter. I can remember her face to this day. Nothing can ever be enough in such situations. I would just look for an opportunity to just hold her and share my heartfelt sympathy. Words fail us in such circumstances but our hearts won’t.

  221.  #222Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 7:28 am

    I just read the “ruffled feathers” Kaitlyn. Not at all .
    I feel sad for you. You seem to love the guy and he wants you as a friend.
    I feel interested in what is motivating you to continue pouring your energy into him.

    Why waste a day on someone who is unavailable?

    I hope a miracle occurs for you , but it sounds like he is a long way from stepping up from what you write here.
    He is drug using (? currently) , focused on career, depressed , sad about another woman and geographically i understand it.

    The picture you have painted is not that of an available partner.

  222.  #223Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Tulip , it depends on your beliefs..

    Every minute a new star is born and a galaxy burns to dust, a life seems so small in the immensity of the universe.

    But a mothers love is an infinite, unending energy in that universe, long after we all are star dust. It resonates forever , as too does the love of a son for his family.

  223.  #224Tulip on July 1, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Thanks Lilybelle and FW
    FW gosh that so hits home about your high school friend’s mother. You feel like the one who dodged the bullet somehow and so relieved to have you own son safe and then feelings of guilt. I feel a lot of fear mingled in as well. ugh!

  224.  #225Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Kaitlyn Rori wrote extensively about this , much better than I can. It REALLY helped me in the past,

  225.  #226Tulip on July 1, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Rosa – thanks that’s beautiful. xx

  226.  #227Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 7:54 am



    What you wrote had me shedding more than a few tears…being a mother, of a wonderful young man and all and feeling so very, very blessed.

    Sniff sniff…

  227.  #228Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Tulip this happened years ago while I was in High School. I didn’t even recognize the feeling was guilt. Just that the memory of her face stuck with me. I know I was a bit angry at her for looking at us that way as if we had cheated her of something. I still can’t imagine her grief but the pained look on her face I will never forget.

  228.  #229Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Me too Lilybelle!

    I have two of them myself (boys 16 and 19) , and I know that love is real and its like a generator in the universe, cranking out waves of love and acceptance and joy .. maybe thats what new stars are made of??

  229.  #230Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 8:01 am

    at my funeral i am going to have this from Carl Sagan ,

    It is so so beautiful…

  230.  #231Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 8:12 am

    RE 230 Rosa that is beautiful. I feel amazed when people think these things through. My friend I spoke about above had indicated the song she wanted at here funeral, at such a young age.

  231.  #232Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Set boundaries for yourself, rules that you stick by that preserve your integrity and protect you from men who don’t have your best interest at heart.

    2. Speak up for yourself, give voice to your opinions and be your own champion. No one else will do this for you. You are the only person who can truly have your best interest at heart all the time. You can only build up your sense of worthiness by taking good care of yourself.

    3. Forgive yourself for what you perceive are you faults. This is not always so easy to do. It starts with acknowledging that you can’t be perfect. You and everyone else has a dark side that will take over every now and then. You won’t always do what you think is right, and you will make mistakes.

    You can bet you need more self-love if you are in an abusive relationship or letting a man treat you as if you don’t matter. If you do #1 and #2 you will find yourself disengaging from that kind of hurtful behavior and feeling a new sense of pride in yourself.

    One way to feel better about yourself is to commit to seeing everything that has happened to you as a teachable moment, a learning tool you can now use to understand more about who you are and what you need to change to feel good about yourself.

  232.  #233Shar lean way back on July 1, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Rosa, that is beautiful. I love Carl Sagan. If only everyone could “get” it.

  233.  #234Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 8:22 am

    When i think of the earth ,as he wrote ,
    “A mote of dust , suspended in a sunbeam”,
    when I think of my struggles as invisible happenings on that mote of dust , I feel great peace.

    And I do believe that love pours out of that tiny speck and into the cosmos where those new stars are born, as energy is neither created nor destroyed . It is infinite and unending, and all the endeavours, and all the pain and all the joy known by those inhabitants of that tiny speck become universal energies .

    I feel connected and loving and great hope when i look at that Pale Blue Dot.

  234.  #235Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I remember how at one time in my younger days, I was so devastated by a break-up I thought about it obsessively for 3 years!

    During that time I didn’t date or pursue any other relationships, I just constantly went over the mistakes I thought I had made in my mind and berated myself for having been so clueless.

    My inner dialogue would be full of regrets. “If only I hadn’t bought him that expensive leather jacket, it was too much to give him so early.”

    “If only I hadn’t asked so many questions about his past, he probably thought I was being too noisy.”

    “If only I hadn’t complained about the mess in his apartment, I probably sounded like his mother and hurt his feelings”

    Why do we do this to ourselves?

    It feels like these obsessive thoughts help you stay connected to him. If you keep thinking about him, you may be able to draw him back to you. If you forget about him, he may forget about you.

    Actually the opposite is true; psychically you are keeping him away. I can’t prove this, but I’ve personally experienced it and seen it happen to the women I work with.

  235.  #236Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Thanks FW , I will check that website .
    Though I do think I get a lot of this now after being “Rori-ised”.

    I do wonder sometimes what it is I am not seeing that I need to work on and grow I dont see it I dont know where it is ! The Blind Spots we have are fascinating to me.

    I figure the clue of where to look is where the triggers trigger us most and the thing we most reject in others and deny in ourselves is probably the Hot Spot!. Currently the blog isnt triggering me , people are just where they are , doing what they are doing .My ex isnt triggering me, G man isnt either and I just threw out any remaining clothing that I remember wearing on romantic evenings with freeing !

    I am considering actively looking for my next Trigger Points to Heal , as i feel calm and settled and happy over all regarding G man , my ex -husband, my work location and my future goals ..I might just find myself in the relationship I want if this healing keeps happening 🙂 🙂 🙂

  236.  #237Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 8:37 am


    I may as well grab the box of tissues and keep it next to me today.

  237.  #238Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Oh Lilybelle , I hope thats just allergy 🙂

  238.  #239Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 8:40 am

    I love that feeling when heart spills over.
    I want to share that with a good man.

  239.  #240Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Goodnight all, its late here and I am off to dream , and I am going to set up my dreams to bring “him” in! use my unconscious energies as a beacon for love to find me.

    I am feeling very at peace with the past , and my health and my choices for now, and this may be a great time to call him in. It feels exciting!

    I feel renewed and peaceful..YUMMY FEELINGS , good night!!!!

  240.  #241Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 8:50 am


    It’s heart spilling over, Rosa.

    If I could bottle this up and be this way all the time..heart open wide…I would have truly suceeded in my growth.

    I can feel it, I can really feel it and I am safe right now, this minute being this open and vulnerable feeling.

    It’s carrying it OUT into the public and my daily interactions that strike fear in me amd causes my wonderful, good, kind, filled with love heart to close up.

  241.  #242Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 8:53 am


    “To live in the hearts of those we leave behind, is to never die”.

  242.  #243DE on July 1, 2011 at 9:04 am

    FW #235

    “It feels like these obsessive thoughts help you stay connected to him. If you keep thinking about him, you may be able to draw him back to you. If you forget about him, he may forget about you.

    Actually the opposite is true; psychically you are keeping him away. I can’t prove this, but I’ve personally experienced it and seen it happen to the women I work with.”

    Yes, yes…this is awesome!!! It is about our energy…just because we leave the relationship…we are still tight up to the other person…we are very powerful beings…the misuse of our power (negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts…) could be very detrimental to healing it…

    This post came at a right time for me…Gosh, thank u God for connecting us humans…been dreaming a lot lately of my ex bf…the dreams are not pretty…:( arguments, fears…other women…and in each one…he is obsessed with me…:( i run all the time…i am like in a suspense movie…really 🙁 and i end up protecting the other women he is involved with…:( I wake up exhausted…

    Bringing awareness to the importance of letting go…and moving on (when these thoughts, feelings come up, be aware of them why they are coming up…do a thank u “ceremony”, then take charge of you), is pivotal moment to healing…I get clarity as I type this…:)

    Thank u for posting it.

    Warm hugs,

  243.  #244flower on July 1, 2011 at 9:16 am

    so now me not jsut ella getting ridiculous messages lol

    just annoying, i dont have time for annoyance in my life

    today this ex gf of this yougn guy so she her self is about 10 yrs younger than me and as a matter of fact i met him after they broke up and on top of that im not even dating him , we met like 3 times

    and she sends me this ridiculous message Who are you to add the all family of Sonny on facebook?
    You think you are a part of the family?
    u r only a stupid girl who is just ridiculous putting photos with u necked. If u would be hot i wouldnt be a problem but u r ugly girl. Realy u seem to be ridiculous, you should have a little bit of respect for urself…
    U think u have a chance with sonny? u make me laugh

    obssessed young junkie girl who doesnt even know me and hmm id like to know where my naked pics are on facebook haha , glamour model one yes , dont have naked one there lol
    and she talking about respect? and accusing me of not having it?

    i have never seen this young girl in my life …

    so far i blocked her on fb

    do u know how to report her to spanish police as she lives in spain ?

  244.  #245flower on July 1, 2011 at 9:55 am

    shall i msg her father on fb?

  245.  #246Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 10:08 am


    Oh Gosh, I wouldn’t do that. I would take the high road and simply let it go.

  246.  #247Soul Sista on July 1, 2011 at 10:10 am

    ladies wanna hear something funny? FW this reminds me of what you said about the guy with eye problems and the bill…lol

    me and the guy i just told i’m gonna date men until i get married (who i’m madly in love with) well, we Skyped the other night…and i was excited because i had never seen him before! and the audio was all screwed up and i guess he said some important stuff with specific details about getting married and whatever and i had no idea what he said!

    so, we got in a big fight after that because he thought i was turning him down and all i was saying was i didn’t think Skyping was any much of a big deal!

    so, i told him i’m going to date as many men as possible and he was cowering hurt because i had rejected him…

    well, you know, anyway, if he’s going to propose…he better f&*^n’ do it in person!

  247.  #248Kyla on July 1, 2011 at 10:15 am


    You didn’t respond and blocked her, that’s brilliant! You stepped out of her ‘drama’. If it were me, I wouldn’t be contacting anyone or doing something to bring more drama to me. I would let her go, sink into my feelings and see if I could find a message there. Something maybe I need to heal?

  248.  #249Femininewoman on July 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

    RE 247 SoulSista I would not bring it up though. Whenyou do so there is a possibility he will “mirror” back what you are saying though he is not in the same place, wanting the same thing.

  249.  #250flower on July 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

    thanx Kyla for supporting my decision, all i did was write to the guy if he could ask her to stop msging me ,

    all i feel is anger , i dont act like that at all with people

  250.  #251flower on July 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Kyla for supporting my decision, all i did was write to the guy if he could ask her to stop msging me ,

    all i feel is anger , i dont act like that at all with people

  251.  #252flower on July 1, 2011 at 10:23 am

    heal..well i still ahvent healed and still have feelings for someone , if u read m previous posts u know

  252.  #253Duo on July 1, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Perfect! Finally I see someone else state something I noticed and was greatly bothered by in that series. I still feel that Bella was weak and Jacob was the hero. Whatever Edward was in the beginning he lost when he left her and that tossing Jacob aside the way she did was so tragically wrong. Certainly not a scenario to be repeated in real life. Thank you for putting it in a way to properly explain it rather than making it seem like the childish “team Jacob/Edward” craziness. It made my day. ^^

  253.  #254mali on July 1, 2011 at 11:48 am

    This is such an interesting take on the Twilight saga… I do feel that Bella was weak, and the whole idea of yearning after Edward for a year? And continuing to do so when Jacob is so clearly willing to do absolutely anything for her to be happy?!
    Though I can empathise, it’s madness, and not the best message for teenage girls. It reminds me of how blessed I feel to have come across Rori… as otherwise I feel I’d have been led by movies such as these, to believe that love lay in constantly trying to appease your partner.

    Yay for Rori!! <3

  254.  #255Soul Sista on July 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    FW 249 bring what up exactly? propose in person? i’m just letting it all go for now…it’s too dramatic long distance and it feels piny and i don’t like that.

    i leaned forward a lot in this interaction and what i have learned, again, is to keep the focus on myself. i got some good support over not beating myself up and i’m over it.

    thanks FW xoxoxo

  255.  #256Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Has there been some weird change in the planets or the moon? Not that I totally believe in that effect but I’m personally running into some craziness today. But having fun laughing at it… LOL

    I’m probably laughing because at the same time I’m having some unexpected “crazy good luck” too. It’s like polar opposites occuring at the same time.

    How about you? I’ve read a few strange happenings posted on blog yesterday and today.

    Crazy… 😆 A few things I’ve been thinking about suddenly handed to me and even the “Sex and the City” DVDs apparently jumped ahead of the line and arrived for me to view over the long weekend. Crazy… but good!


  256.  #257Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 12:13 pm


    Welllllll, there is the solar eclipse tonight.

    I know from experience from all my years behind the bar that people are influenced by the moon activity..usually three days before and three days after.

    Nice to hear you are having loads of good things happening, SLV. I’m sure your positivity has something to do with it as well. 🙂

  257.  #258Violet on July 1, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Hello Sirs and Sirens!

    I’m here to sort out thoughts and feelings. I keep a journal, however, it’s nice to get feedback from others. First, some background. I met ‘W’ two months ago at a singles dance. At the time we met, he was employed at a good paying job. I listened to constant complaints of the working environment.

    I tried very hard to stay objective and not give an opinion because he hadn’t asked for one. I did say how lucky he was to even have a job, given the current unemployment rate.

    He quit the job due to reasons that I felt were unwarranted. An employee had verbally harrassed him, he said something about it, and it got taken care of.

    He felt the working conditions weren’t safe because the employer didn’t require a certification to operate a forklift. He said someone followed him around writing about his job performance.

    I understand about having someone look over my shoulder. That would feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure I would have quit my job for the reasons he gave.

    Since ‘W’ quit his job, he has been unable to find employment. It sounded like he was relying on employment agencies to find him work. There’s nothing wrong with that.

    Personally, I think he could have ‘pounded the pavement’, putting in applications wherever he could.

    Well, here’s my gig. When we met, he paid our way. Then, it moved to us paying our own way. Then, I would pay our way.

    I know this may sound selfish. I feel like a man should be able to provide.

    I mean, here he is.. living with his mother, taking care of her (which is good), not sticking with a good paying job, and relying on me to take care of him whenever he came over.

    I felt like I was being his mother. He regularly asked me what he should do. I’m like, “I can tell you what I would do, but I’m not you!” This definitely made me feel like a parent, instead of a girlfriend.

    He couldn’t afford to pay his way to a dance, yet he didn’t want me to go either. He didn’t want to think about other men being with me. I went anyway.

    I broke it off with him about two weeks ago. I didn’t feel like this was where I should be. I felt like I shouldn’t be dating anyone.

    Then, I started second-guessing myself. Was I using my reason as an ‘excuse’? It’s the old addage, ‘It’s not about you, it’s about me’. I felt this was lame reasoning.

    Then again, I had reconciled myself to being alone. It’s like I don’t know what in the hell I want. I know what I don’t want and figure that narrows it down to what I want.

    It sounds so confusing. I don’t feel confused inside. I feel like I did the right thing by breaking things off. I’m just not laying ‘blame’ on either one of us.

    I will say one thing. This makes the third time a man has told me, ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m in love with you’ after only two months of dating.

    Right now, I’m just living things in the moment. I try not to dwell on the past because it feels like a waste of time. I try not to debate the future because there are too many variables and I can’t control any of them.

    I’m going to be 55 yrs old on July 3rd. I’ve reconciled myself to being alone. Yet, there are times I wonder if it isn’t just a matter of meeting Mr. Right.

    I feel like I’ve closed myself off to feeling anything towards men. It’s like I look at them and think there isn’t one of them that’s worth a pot to pee in.

    I know that’s not true. It just feels that way because of all the jerkasoids I’ve met.

    Well… I have plans to get my hair dyed, get all gussied up for a singles dance Sunday night. (my birthday), and go to a singles picnic on Monday.

    I’m going to practice, practice, practice doing Rori things like ‘leaning back’, ‘Using FM’, ‘being feminine’, and whatever else comes to mind.

    Most of all, I will be true to myself. It seems like men are coming out of the woodwork to approach me. It’s like they sense this aura of confidence and self possession.

    Well, I’ll have to agree with that because I really don’t care if I empress them or anyone else. It’s all about how my attitude is inside… how I feel about myself, who I am, how I relate, what’s good for me.

    Ultimately, I leave all my needs and wants in God’s hands. I figure that’s where they belong, anyway.

    ~ Violet ~

  258.  #259Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    @257: Lilybelle

    😀 Solar eclipse… Hmm, OK, something’s happening. A flurry of activity of all kinds, annoying, excellent, strange, unexpected, people saying weird stuff. Things like that.

    I’m in a very upbeat, hopeful and motivated mood though (I usually am at beginning of yearly quarter changes) so I suppose I’m prepared for good things to happen and I hope the rest are all good.

    It sounds like a good time for your start in a new space too.


  259.  #260Violet on July 1, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    I want to add something for clarification purposes.

    I had indicated that ‘W’ would pay our way. Then we would pay our own way. Then, I would pay his way.

    The clarification is that he would pay our way if he could afford it.

    There are things people can do that don’t require money at all… Free concerts, museums, hiking, taking walks, etc…

    He and I agreed on this. Someone can ask me to pinpoint a specific reason for breaking things off with ‘W’. I can’t think of a ‘specific’ reason.

    My understanding is that he had problems keeping a job, he lived with his mother, asked me to tell him what to do, I felt he relied on me to feed and take care of him. Again, it’s this ‘feeling like a parent’ thing.

    And, again. It feels like I’m making excuses… blaming him.

    The bottom line is that I did the right thing in breaking it off for all reasons and maybe for no reason. I accept responsibility for my actions.

    That’s it, in a nutshell. I accept responsibility for my needs and happiness. I choose to rely on God to provide for both.

    I make decisions, right or wrong. I grow from both.

    I thank all of you, the people who support me, the people who make comments, myself, my family. Most of all, I thank God for all things, everyday, everytime, every moment,

    ~ Violet ~

  260.  #261Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    @258: Violet says:
    “…I’m going to be 55 yrs old on July 3rd….”

    A yummy age! Bold, wise and sexy.


  261.  #262Violet on July 1, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    I just read my own comments. It does sound like I’m blaming ‘W’.

    I shouldn’t blame him for a decision I chose to make and I take accountability for that. Okay! Now that’s done! Time to move on!

    ~ Violet ~

  262.  #263Violet on July 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    I like how Rori uses mainstream events to relay thought processes.

    I see Edward as a man who wants Bella, yet chooses to leave on the premise that she will be safer without him.

    I see Jacob as a man who wants Bella and chooses to stay on the premise that she will be safer with him. He steps up to the plate in Edward’s absence.

    In comparing the two, I would choose Jacob.

    Edward ‘thought’ he made the right decision by leaving Bella. He ‘thought’ he was sacfricing his love for the better cause.

    My thinking is that any man who loves a woman as much as he claimed, would stay to protect her no matter what. He would move heaven and earth to be by her side. They would work together to overcome the evil that beset each of them and both.

    This sounds like something Jacob would have done and tried to do.

    And yet, Bella still chose Edward over Jacob.

    Yes, I know. It’s just a movie! For all intensive purposes, these types of scenarios happen in real life.

    Women (and men) have the option to choose the type of person they want and think they need.

    It seems exciting to chase the allusive, the thing that seems within reach, but isn’t.

    There are people in the present. They are ready, willing, and able to step up to the plate (like Jacob). They are open and available.

    Perhaps it’s the challenge they seek. Once the challenge meets with success, it doesn’t seem as important. Edward seems like the type of man who would be and have challenges to overcome.

    Jacob doesn’t seem to angst about challenges. He deals with them face to face. (literally and figuratively)

    Personally, I think Jacob should ditch Bella and find someone worthy of what he has to offer.

    Bella seems to use Jacob as a crutch, someone to lean on, and lead on. It’s almost like Bella plays this game with Jacob, testing him to see if he’ll be there.

    I wish to hell that men and women like Bella would just make up their mind about what they want and stick with it. If it ain’t happening on the other end, move on and stay there!

    None of this back and forth and back and forth. Open your eyes and smell the petunias!

    Edward and men like Edward didn’t step up to the plate! Jacob did! Enough said!

    The real human race of men and women instinctively look at the other sex as the best provider/mate.

    Who would best fit those requirements? A person like Edward, or a person like Jacob?

    ~ Violet ~

  263.  #264Daria on July 1, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Feeling good 🙂

    Just woke up! 12 hours of sleep oh no!

    Whoa why oh no.? I meant oh wow.

    I wonder… I might be subconsciously beating myself up or running unhealthy beliefs

    I love me 🙂

  264.  #265flower on July 1, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    dara thats good for u , i sleep 12 hrs in winter time

  265.  #266Ladybug on July 1, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    I live between Forks and Quillayute and I’m so sick of Twilight, Bella, Edward and Jacob and their stupid drama and their stupid fans that can’t tell the different between real life and fiction… blah!

    I finally had a chance to clear the air with Power Trippin’ Push/Pull Man this morning. I laid down some boundaries, I will NOT deal with his mother again, I don’t do BS and drama. Apparently he misunderstood who was doing the manual labor at my place, it was NOT a Honey-Do Man. It was the first time I’d been to his farm in a couple of months. he HAS been busy, he is roofing his new house and it is beautiful! I guess I misunderstood, too! I thought he was back with his former girlfriend, he says he is not. He seemed to respond better to a little more aggressiveness than the girly feeling messages. We spent a wonderful morning together…making out….again! I gotta work harder not to get stuck on this guy!

    I am having a blast with CD! I’m talking with several men online, by phone and in person, casual dating and seeing a couple of men. 1 is a mutual friend and neighbor of Push/Pull Man that I’ve known for 12 years. I’ve always liked him! I have dates next week for salmon fishing and plans to get together with another man I like when he stops working 16 hours a day. I’m getting lots of hugs and some men are brave enough to kiss me. I’m loving the positive attention!

  266.  #267Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm


    What I don’t like and this is in real life but goes with Edward “deciding” what was best for Bella in the first movie. She would be safer without him. While I get the premise behind it, I have seen it happen to myself and friends of mine where the men in our lives have decided what was best for us.

    What?? I’m sorry, but the last time I checked, I did have a brain and a pretty developed one at that. Don’t do me any favors, I can make my own mind up about what it best for me. But, since you took the liberty of deciding for me, I’m going to go with it. Best of luck.

    Hee Hee.

  267.  #268Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm


    30 year old HOT dude alert… Blowing up my POF like crazy. Excellent job, excellent manners, excellent communication skills, and oh so good with the charisma. lol

  268.  #269Soul Sista on July 1, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    SLV that’s not old…jeesh…old is when you drop dead.

    i just realized that they (men) get really angry when you have other options…WTF?

    so, another big fight and finally i was just like…nothing to fight about here, honey…go about your business…

    i need a nap…date tomorrow night…

  269.  #270Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    @269: Soul Sista says:
    “…SLV that’s not old…jeesh…old is when you drop dead…”

    I don’t know what you are talking about here.

    I haven’t made any comment on Rori’s post topic so I don’t know why you mentioned me. I think it’s about vampires but I didn’t read the book or see the movie or type the words “old” or jeesh”…????? Or say something (someone???) is old.

    … I think you have the wrong person?

    How about a clue…? I’m curious.


  270.  #271Senior Lady Vibe on July 1, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    @Soul Sista

    I don’t bow how old the vampires are,,,


  271.  #272Daria on July 1, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    i just rememebered my dream!!

    we were all a big army and we were competing with another army

    all women

    it was training for both though

    and i was feeling nervous because we were getting paired up to fight with the other team one on one , one at a time

    and we also had to complete other ‘school’ assignments, but this was the practice right now

    and my girl Jenna was up, and shes not particularly agressive or anything

    so everyone, especially me, was SHOCKED when she started kicking ass!!

    i mean she beat girls way bigger than her really quickly, she was just wow!

    so we were calling her the Irish Queen

    her red hair was flowing, we were all naked / interesting army outfits like belts and handguards

    it was awesome!/!

    i felt so excited my girl was doing all that

    it felt incredible

  272.  #273Daria on July 1, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Soul Sista – Rori says that they’re supposed to get mad when you tell them you’re circular dating…

    that is a good! sign

  273.  #274Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm


    I rarely remember my dreams but the other night I dreamt that I was on one of those cooking shows like “IronChef” or something like that. The space I had to work in was less than a foot square and no matter what I did, I couldn’t get it all done. I can’t remember the food that I had to work with but I remember how stressed out I was and how little time I had..

    Iron Chef??? Really??

  274.  #275Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    256 SLV and Lilybelle, thanks re the solar eclipse information!

    I just major cleaned out my wardrobe , the kids stuff, all the bedrooms almost done, 6 big bags of give aways for charity ..more to come once I get the linen cupboard done.

    Then theres the taxes almost finished..(WOW) and I am moving to a new job soon . Sent out two emails and offered two great positions , call my own shots , very happy with my prospects . All of these things sorted out in the last 2 days and more to come.

    Now I know why !

    I have two dates shortly , do they get extra hot too?

  275.  #276Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Hello lovely ladies,
    So I started seeing a therapist yesterday. I think I have borderline personality disorder. I am waiting to see if the therapist decides on that too.

    Does anyone here have this?

    I am reading articles about being in relationships with borderline women and i feel so guilty that this is how i act. i am not sure wtf is going on. but i want this to stop asap.

  276.  #277kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    276 Dorothea,

    What do you mean?

  277.  #278Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    I dont have it Dorothea , but there seem to be a few lurking here !

    I am sure that just accepting that you do will go a long way to changing your own make up for the future , so that you learn to tolerate bad feelings and not act out in the same behaviours you may have done in the past.

    The great thing is we get to work on our personalities all our lives!

    I used to be quite irritable , but I no longer react that way in most situations. I like meditation for that one.

  278.  #279Rosa on July 1, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    What are the symptoms?
    People with BPD have persistent difficulty relating to other people and to the world around them. This can be very distressing for the person and for those who care for them.

    Symptoms include:

    Deep feelings of insecurity
    Difficulty coping with fear of abandonment and loss; continually seeking reassurance, even for small things; expressing inappropriate anger towards others whom they consider responsible for how they feel; a fragile sense of self and one’s place in the world.

    Persistent impulsiveness
    Abusing alcohol and other drugs; spending excessively; gambling; stealing; driving recklessly, or having unsafe sex.

    Confused, contradictory feelings
    Frequent questioning and changing of emotions or attitudes towards others, and towards aspects of life such as goals, career, living arrangements or sexual orientation.

    Causing deliberate pain by cutting, burning or hitting oneself; overdosing on prescription or illegal drugs; binge eating or starving; abusing alcohol and other drugs; repeatedly putting oneself in dangerous situations or attempting suicide.

    Some people with BPD may also have symptoms of other mental illnessses. They may experience symptoms associated with anxiety or mood disorders, such as excessive worrying and having panic attacks, obsessive behaviour, hoarding or having unwanted thoughts, feeling persistently sad, moving or talking slowly, losing sexual interest or having difficulty concentrating on simple tasks.

    They may even experience psychotic symptoms such as delusions or false beliefs – believing, for example, they are being deceived, spied on or plotted against.

  279.  #280Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Rosa, I so want to change

    tonight i am struggling because my guy hasn’t contacted me to see how i have been doing all afternoon or if i need him tonight. he has been doing that this week because i have been feeling so self destructive and need support. he contacted me at lunch to see if i wanted to meet up for a bit and give me some love:). Now he is not contacting me again and i feel like he must not care about whether i live or die.

    it is a struggle because on one hand, i’m thinking he must not care if he’s not contacting me. on the other hand, i WAS fine when we talked so i’m okay, he hasn’t done anything wrong.

    but i’m thinking “wow he must not care that much about me since he usually checks on me!”

    i feel abandoned. i feel certain he is questioning whether he wants to keep seeing me. he might be. he has put me on those egg shells by going back and forth about whether or not he wants me

    but i have responsibility in it too because a lot of the time i am freaking out unless he’s acting perfect and paying constant attention to me.

    here is an interesting article:

    i am feeling a little hopeless because i see that he probably needs some therapy himself, he has his own issues that he takes out on his relationships, which is why his last girlfriend was just like me:P

  280.  #281Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 6:06 pm


    AND it’s a new moon also. Double special evening/day.

  281.  #282Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 6:07 pm


    You go, Girl! Your two dates ARE going to be extra hot…

    Doesn’t it feel good to clear your space???

  282.  #283Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    i’m scared that because of my bad behavior i will end up taking all the blame, and he will get away with the things that are not okay with me.

    i don’t even KNOW what my boundaries are.

    well i know of a few i have, but i think they’re in place as (undiagnosed) bpd tendencies.

  283.  #284Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    my world feels turned upside down from recognizing all this. i am not even sure what is exactly ‘real’ now when it comes to my relationships with men.

    umm i am going to be in therapy for a long time

  284.  #285Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    I miss being involved more on the blog. I just can’t keep up with everything. But I miss you all.

    Today I went to my storage and spent several hours organizing it. Cardboard boxes crush with the weight of stacking them high, and everything is all lopsided in there. I still have a lot to do, but I got a lot done.

    Now I need to take my dogs out to run them, even tho I just want to relax for the night. They are stuck in the room all day, and this is the highlight of their day. So tired.

  285.  #286Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 6:37 pm


    I can really relate. I feel a lot of the same things you described in your last two posts.

  286.  #287Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    I really like the Twilight Series. Does anyone know when the next one comes out?

  287.  #288DE on July 1, 2011 at 7:03 pm


    Gosh, I just want to hold u right now…and tell u u will be alright…if u ever need to talk to someone…u know where to find me…

    I haven’t reach out to u..because i felt a bit afraid 🙁 My nvs would tell u you don’t like me…:(

    Big hugs …

  288.  #289Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    DE, your NVs can suck it. You are totally likeable!!

  289.  #290Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    i just noticed something i do when talking on the phone to my guy/generally! and i caught myself! and turned it right around immediately without incident.

    woohoo! if i can do that one time, i can do that 100 times eventually.

    part of me is scared i am deluding myself into think i am making progress and i am actually being like narcissistic or something.

    blah. what is real

  290.  #291DE on July 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm


    Big hugs to u sweetie 🙂

    Been thinking of u…and i am thinking of ways i could help u a bit 🙂 Do u have paypal account?

    Warm hugs,

  291.  #292Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 7:16 pm


    DE~ You are one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out.

  292.  #293Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Thank you so much!

  293.  #294DE on July 1, 2011 at 7:24 pm


    Gosh, thank u 🙂 I always loved u fiery, high-spirited personality…:) This is a gift…please believe me…u have the power to change mountains should u want to…

    I was just talking to another friend of mine who also has a fiery, fierceless, and high-spirited heart (okay, just as i see myself)…and i told her…if we could only embrace this awesome fire inside of us…and learn how to handle it…we could be conquer the world…:)

    Warm hugs,

  294.  #295DE on July 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm


    Oh, i feel sooo touched and gosh, so undeserving 🙁

    Thank u …love u beautiful heart…

    I guess…we are a mirror of each other…I am beautiful to u because u are beautiful yourself inside and out…

    Warm hugs,

  295.  #296DE on July 1, 2011 at 7:33 pm


    Yes, this weekend 🙂 I will send u an email as well to confirm 🙂

    Big warm hugs,

  296.  #297Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm


    I’m not a medical doctor and therefore not offering medical advice yet I would like to share from my own personal experience.

    These psychological disorders lie on a spectrum. All humans experience these emotions of anxiety, worry, even paranoia. It is no surprise that you would recognize and identify with them when you read the description.

    I feel more concerned about people who don’t recognize them in themselves yet see them in the behavior of others. To me, that is a sign of lack of introspection or self-awareness.

    Experiencing these emotions becomes a “disorder” when they are out of balance.

    This is a great opportunity for growth. Now that you recognize how your reactions aren’t serving you, you can choose different options.

    I don’t believe that you have to get an official label or go through years of therapy, although if that’s what resonates then it could be the right path for you.

    Yet there are many paths you could take…doing nlp or eft with and experienced practioner, finding spiritual inspiration, working with a coach or mentor, reading or listening to inspiring books or talks, etc.

    There is nothing wrong with you Dorothea. You are an amazing, intelligent, beautiful woman. All of us here can see that. Emotionally reactive at times, yes.

    So you learn more about your emotions, what they mean. There is nothing wrong with feeling strongly.

    Your gonna be okay sweetie <3

  297.  #298Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 8:00 pm


    RE: #296 – Thank you again. How I wish I were in a position to be part of the solution, rather than part of the problem. But my time will come.

  298.  #299Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 8:01 pm



    Thank you for “seeing” all of me. 🙂

  299.  #300Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    You’re gonna be okay 🙂

  300.  #301Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    I just found an ad for my ideal apartment: right price, allows pets, entrance to backyard (so I can put up my fence and let the dogs out), right area….I hope and pray it works out…somehow. I just sent them an email (from craigslist).

  301.  #302Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 8:03 pm


    Sweetie, you ARE being part of the solution. Please don’t underestimate all that you are doing. Good things are coming for you soon; please hold that faith tight.

  302.  #303Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    FW: I felt so relaxed on our trip. It seemed to center around water. We went to three different hot springs, several creeks and rivers, and a cold water spring where we got the most fresh and delicious drinking water.

    I feel refreshed and invigorated!

  303.  #304Lilybelle on July 1, 2011 at 8:05 pm


    *Applause, applause…standing ovation***

  304.  #305Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    I feel yummy seeing Lillybelle and DE’s goddess reflection dance.

  305.  #306Letitshine on July 1, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Sorry all.. Had to pack and go to p’s house.. Thanks all for ur help this am… I gave myself 2 hrs to fester and was done.. Who knows is right..

    Kaitlyn… I feel for you.. The friends thing is soooo tough and yours is a tricky situation with his depression… I would also feel bad about no call before leaving… Even from a friend.. Sounds like u have some plans which will help!!! Hold your head high … It’s hard .. I know… I’m in similar but no depression etc. It has been hard not to contact him etc and some days I’m good and flirt and love myself bit I still have moments… Which I suppose rori says is expected …. Just keep on going.. Like the energizer bunny… Ha ha…hope I got a chuckle… Going waterskiing by myself tomorrow!!!! Yeah!! See … Don’t need him … And at least there will be some hot guys to flirt with .. I hope..

  306.  #307Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 8:17 pm


    RE: #302 – Awww, thank you! What a sweet thing to say! I feel encouraged. I keep telling myself babysteps.

    Right now I feel all sweaty and sticky from working in the storage…I have permission to swim in the next door neighbor’s pool….mermaid that I am, I would love to…

    …but I’m THAT tired! I just don’t have the energy to do one more thing. So I’m winding down here at the computer while listening to Delilah.

    LG, that trip to all those water places sounds delightful! You tempted me all over again to take a late night dip…but instead, I’ll just have a long drink of water, and count my many blessings.

  307.  #308Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    As I was reading that link, Dorothea, I couldn’t help thinking “this must have been written by a man!” and sure enough it was.

    I get the sense that he might feel threatened by feminine energy or at least not understand it.

    I could be wrong, that was my gut instinct though. What parts of it did you resonate with?

  308.  #309Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    “Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her “perk-up” emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues.”

    “The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, “don’t leave me. Save me!” And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

    She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.
    But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

    It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional – rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It’s like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. “

  309.  #310Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Or maybe the behavior he was describing was that is a fiery woman who is basically not following the Rori way.

    She is attaching to one man, expecting him to make her happy. Probably majorly overfunctioning and not cd-ing the world. She is run by her emotions because she is not being present with them and giving them a voice so they take over. She is obsessing over him and in his business. She is acting in masculine energy and then feels resentful when her needs aren’t getting met. She is run by her triggers. She isn’t taking personal responsibility for her own happiness.

    That was my take when I read it.

  310.  #311Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    a few people who respect me that i’ve talked to about this, including lg here right now:), tell me i’m not ‘crazy’ or ‘abusive’ and i’m just emotional and have been thru a lot and will get thru this. i really appreciate this.

    but that’s not true. it is crazy and it is abusive. and it’s a precarious place to be because i blame others without realizing it.

    the second half is true tho. i have been thru a lot and i will get thru this

  311.  #312Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    “I love you” means – “I need you to love me”.


  312.  #313Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe – or “the way you’re looking at me,” – she will always justify her rage by blaming you for “having to hurt her.”

    Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

  313.  #314DE on July 1, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Oh, Dorothea, i can feel u tears through u last post…:(

    Warm hugs,

  314.  #315Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    “but that’s not true. it is crazy and it is abusive. and it’s a precarious place to be because i blame others without realizing it.”

    I know what you mean, it is. I’m just saying, getting diagnosed isn’t necessarily going to change anything. You are still going to have to learn some new behaviors to find a way out. Perhaps a therapist could teach those.

    I’m wondering if there is some sort of physiological things that could be causing some of the up and down sensation.

    I myself am super sensitive to soy milk and coffee. I find that I get hyper-emotional when I ingest certain foods.

    I do understand that you are wanting help and to find a way out of the pain. I fully support you and I know you will be okay too.

  315.  #316DE on July 1, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    LG # 303:

    I feel so glad u are back …and that u had a great time 🙂

    The feedback to Dorothea were just awesome…soooo insightful…thank u 🙂

    Yet, she needs to embrace the darkness and the light within her…and take charge of both…the toxic program might shade some light on her patterns…

    warm hugs,

  316.  #317Ladybug on July 1, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    I was married to a BPD man for 17 years. It was HELL for my children and I. This not some made up BS, there is cut and dried criteria that must fit for the diagnosis to apply. There are many, many articles about the many faces of BPD at BPDFamily, to judge the entire site by one article is short-sighted.

    Dorothea, that you recognize there is a problem and are willing to do the hard work that therapy will require for recovery from BPD is a huge step! Most people with BPD refuse to cooperate in counseling because the refuse to accept responsibility, none of it is their fault in their minds.

    I do know a recovering BPD, she was in BPD therapy for 6 years. She still has cognitive problems and chain yanking issues. Her mother, aunt and grandmother were all BPD. She thought that behavior was normal.

  317.  #318Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    “I love you” means – “I need you to love me”.

    This reminds me of the tools Rori has for filling ourselves up with love and also of the work Margaret Paul does with Inner Bonding. Also the Eft mantra “I deeply lov and accept myself anyway”.

    Cultivating my own self-love has been an ongoing and necessary theme in my life.

  318.  #319Turquoise3 on July 1, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Hi sirens,

    Thinking of you all… and catching up on posts. I’m so tired too Brenda… it’s amazing the physical response to stress. I literally feel drained, and it’s mostly emotional. The move will be a good thing I hope, I can’t believe the house I’m getting. It’s unbelievably gorgeous. I had given up hope of having a house like this, just hoping to get my finances in better shape to get rid of my debt, get a nicer car, and hopefully take the girls on a few nice vacations as they get older. I didn’t imagine I would be able to get us a house like this. I’m not sure why this is happening for us, I just feel very blessed.

    It’s so hard to leave my hometown, all our friends, my family is so close…. part of me is afraid of this, and part of me is excited. it’s only 10 miles away…. but I’m losing my comfort zone. I feel inspired to make other big changes in my life, persue a few dreams….. so happy to make a fresh start.

    I love seeing the changes in my communication style now too. I’m not always consistent, but it’s getting much better.

  319.  #320Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    (((Thanks DE and Lillybelle)))

  320.  #321Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Ladybug: I can understand why you might perceive me as being short-sighted. I feel accepting of your perspective. We all come from different backgrounds and experience. I can only share mine.

    I only read the one article and was commenting on that. I don’t recall ever judging the whole site. I feel confused as to where that came from.

  321.  #322Turquoise3 on July 1, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Brenda, last I heard the Twilight Series was finished….

  322.  #323Laughing Goddess on July 1, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Congratulations Turquoise!!!!

  323.  #324Turquoise3 on July 1, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    I am Number Four was an interesting read if you like fantasy.

  324.  #325Turquoise3 on July 1, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Thanks LG, welcome back from your vacation! Sounds wonderful! 🙂

  325.  #326Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Thank you everyone for your openness in how my situation relates 2 you and your own take on it.

  326.  #327kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Out with friends soon. But I can’t stop feeling bitter that Adam didn’t even call me before getting on the plane today to work in Germany this week. I keep reading Tinque’s blog so I can calm down and realize it’s just my nv’s, and that I’m not really upset.

  327.  #328kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    bullsh1t. i’m upset.

  328.  #329kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    This is all my fault for being there for him when he begged and pleaded he needed me, and that if I loved him unconditionally, I wouldn’t skip out just because he wasn’t ready to be anyone’s boyfriend yet.

  329.  #330kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Now I’ve killed ANY remaining attraction he had left for me.

  330.  #331kaitlyn on July 1, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Let me guess…blah blah blah he is depressed and doesn’t realize what he’s doing is hurtful.

  331.  #332Nikita on July 1, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Alias girl?????

    Oh my goodness oh my goodness

    I saw a unicorn!

  332.  #333Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    …what if it was an imposter? a donkey with a strap on horn tied around its head?

  333.  #334Nikita on July 1, 2011 at 10:29 pm



    Sex for Nikita program

  334.  #335Nikita on July 1, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    A man with a strap on tied to his forehead sounds way cooler

    I saw a unicorn with butterfly wings

    Happy Birthday AG

    I know ur Gemini 🙂

    Gem in eye 🙂

    Gem’n I.

    I’m going to sleep now
    I have work in the morning

  335.  #336Dorothea on July 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm


  336.  #337Emerson on July 1, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    I had a CD that I met online cancel on me tonight via voicemail. Slightly annoying, because I brought a change of clothes to work with me, etc….but I ended up being glad he cancelled because I was tired after work.

  337.  #338Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 11:40 pm


    RE: #319 and 323 – I feel happy for you to have found such a wonderful house! That is what I am believing for for me, picturing myself already in it, and this crisis just another thing of the past. Enjoy!

    Well when Rori named this “Before Breaking Dawn”, I assumed “Breaking Dawn” was about to come out. And, there are 6 books in the series…I assumed they were making a movie for each book – no?

  338.  #339Brenda on July 1, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    I took pain reliever for all my aches and pains from exercising…why am I awake in the middle of the night?

  339.  #340Corin on July 2, 2011 at 1:50 am


    I have my own opinions on mental health diagnosis and am currently trying to sort what I believe would be beneficial to share here and what would not.

    I lived with a man (platonic) through exhibition of clearly distressed relating symptoms, to diagnosis of BPD and then some way into treatment. What concerned me most and what I hope doesn’t happen to you is that he was was told it was ‘incurable’. I felt so angry at that as it was so disempowering and really inciting to take on a ‘victim’ or ‘poor me’ stance.

    I strongly agree with another poster who wrote that we all fall on a spectrum. We all have instances of mental health and mental illness as we fluctuate and grow. A lot of this blog deals with that in all of us. It’s human. Ultimately these diagnoses have simply been developed as boxes to try to contain, manage and hopefully assist people exhibiting certain diffculties. They are only as useful as the empowerment they offer. If they create a sense of hopelessness then I really don’t perceive much benefit from them. However if getting a BPD diagnoses means that more resources for personal growth are available for you through your State etc then great! I would grab hold of those resources and use them in a way that best benefits YOU and not a box that you may or may not sometimes be able to cram youself into.

    I really admire how I read of you reaching out to grow. That’s what matters!!

  340.  #341Corin on July 2, 2011 at 1:59 am

    I’m concerned that writing this will trigger people but it feels important to me in a positive and loving way, so I’m going to write it.

    In my work I provide therapy to men who are sexually abusive. These men are often perceived as most unforgivable, incurable, deviant, whatever label you wish to apply. However what I witness in my work with them is the amazing capacity for ALL people to change, to grow, to have compassion, and to heal. I believe that no matter how damaged and damaging we may be, we can always change and grow. No medical model of ‘illness’ can ever fully encompass this amazing capacity. We are so much more than that.

    When I wrote that I felt so much positive energy run through me. Tingling up my arms.

  341.  #342flower on July 2, 2011 at 2:09 am

    so is it only gemini women blog ? well understandable as rejection to gemini kills the freedom of air

  342.  #343kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 3:25 am

    Back from myniht out. I looked hot and leaned back. Met an architecht. thought he was younger but he’s same age as me. then he left and i resumed good times with my friends.

  343.  #344kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 3:41 am

    he asked for my #. gave it. who cares.

  344.  #345Daria on July 2, 2011 at 3:54 am

    Corin – do you have any resources for me to look at about your work? ive always felt fascinated yet scared of it… it feels really important to me to find out more about it…

    i feel amazed and in awe to hear that you do that

    i would like to learn from you about it

  345.  #346Daria on July 2, 2011 at 4:05 am

    feeling good… got home from hanging out with my girl and her friend

    i wanted to counsel them but they kept trying to convince me how their men were wrong

    for not picking up their sox

    and i didnt know how to get through

    but i did practice

    getting into my body – is an awesome tool – relax shoulders, tummy, vagina

  346.  #347Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 6:04 am

    I missssss being on here!! 🙂

    I love this post

    so much has happened and is happening…and it feels scary and exciting and adventurous

    brief run down…I ended things with hotpilot the night before I left for a fire assignment over 3 weeks ago…and someone from the past showed up again and it has felt so fun and carefree with him this week…Ill call him “J” for now

    so I’ve been working like crazy and felt very overwhelmed with my job so I decided it was time for a change…I signed up for Medical Esthetician School that starts THIS Tuesday and I told my boss I don’t want to be a firefighter anymore and that I’m starting school and will give my two weeks…he said he wants to work with me and try and get me an office job maybe dispatch, so I can go to school too… he doesn’t want to lose me just yet?…which sounds WONDERFUL to me right now!! My life is going into a new chapter and I feel sooooo good about it

    things just seem to be falling into place effortlessly…i love it!!

    I haven’t had time to catch up but after this weekend I will have time to have a life 🙂 and I can’t wait to feel girly everyday…no more big boots and clothes and being dirty lol (unless I want to! 😉

  347.  #348Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:21 am

    Feeling a bit low.

    My 19 year old has flamed it would seem 🙂

    Feeling disappointed as was looking forward to seeing him.

    We had quite an intense FB IM chat just 2 nights ago, in which he told me repeatedly that he liked me a lot and we were planning our date for tomorrow.

    And then he said he would call me yesterday, and he didn’t.

    Boo hoo.

    Hmph Grrr.

    Just saw him on FB IM but he had the little asleep sign next to him… and then he disappeared.


    I felt like ‘damn you contact me already!’. I am very likely sending out lots of impatient vibes and that is how I feel…

    And I am intending to let go… babystep by babystep letting go of situations.

    Still feel disappointed.

    Just trying not to sink down into ‘what did I do wrong’ type of thoughts as not useful.

    And also trying to feel my feelings without getting overwhelmed by negativity.

    I quite like feeling strong and positive.

    Seem to get again and again sad feeling in heart, and longing/pining and then my energy goes low and I feel as though I am not of substance.

    Like you could walk right through me.

    And then feel sorry for myself.


    Not wanting that at all.

    Lets lose that.

    Give this happiness as chance regardless of what the men are doing.

  348.  #349Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 6:21 am


    OMGosh~I need details about HotPilot..

    And yay for your career move! Whoo Hoo!!!!

  349.  #350Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Think that feeling is my default state, learned from childhood and esp teenage years when significant people passed away.

    I intend to change that.

    I intend for my default state to be happy.

    Gonna give this happiness a chance.

  350.  #351Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 6:24 am


    Books are all done, best to my knowledge; the next movie releases in November.

  351.  #352Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 6:27 am

    ((((((((((((((((((((Lilybelle))))))))))))))) 😉

    I KNOW….I want to share everything that’s been going on…feels like a whirlwind 🙂 but in a good way…I was feeling so stressed out and drained and starting to feel depressed about my job and trapped…and then….I felt guided towards different options and just went with it and as soon as I made a decision things just started happening!

    I felt soooo nervous telling my boss I was done firefighting…but I have no regrets and I feel relieved and alive again

    What is going on with you?? 30 year old??!!! 😉 blowing up your POF page?? I love it!

  352.  #353Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:28 am

    In other news have a date with a new man for Wed.

    Going to a Club Tropican Burlesque, Zumba and Pole dancing night tonight. Doing a Zumba demo.

    Feel excited and slightly nervous.

    Wonder what men will be there.

    Wonder what the Burlesque will be like.

    Another man who I CD’ed who I don’t find atractive and is very sweet but v fem energy by his own admission. And he likes me and wanted to meet up again. He is older and I do not fancy him at all.

    I had been trying to find the motivation to get myself to see him again as he was stepping up and wanted to give me a walk and dinner.

    But he sent me this kinda weird e-mail after I did not return one of his calls quickly enough cus I was working. And it said stuff like he knew he never really had a chance with me, and he thinks that the differences are too much and I am too beautiful and stuff.

    I feel weird getting that.

    I HATE it when guys get like that cus I don’t reply quickly enough… err excuse me, I have a life!

    I feel angry and sarcastic and judgmental of percieved weakness.


    Anyway, I don’t think I can bring myself to see him again.

    I really don’t want to. When can we drop CDs again?

  353.  #354Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Update on Married guy.

    He is married (quel suprise!) and he lives with her here. And apparently it is an immegration thing. Apparently she did him a favour because he wanted to come and liver here.

    I feel mucho uncomfortable about it and still working out feelings and I have told him I will not continue dating him, and the ONLY way I would is if he set up a meeting, and I met her, and she told me in person that is the situation and she is happy for me and him to date.

    He says he is going to set up a meeting.

    V interesting one, watch this space.

    I LOVE how CD-ing gives us protection from what would ultimately be BIG drama situations if we were invested in these guys.

    Even my disappointed feelings re 19 yr old are minimal compared to what they would have been in the past.

    I no longer get ‘crippled’ by these triggering situations and emotions.

    Went to the pub last night. Distinct lack of Pubguy around. Apparently he was there earlier… he knows I come late on a Friday… he could be hiding.

    Anyway his business but boy do I feel PISSED and ANGRY at him!!


  354.  #355Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Oh regarding 19 yr old… it could all still change on a dime.

    Mostly I feel good about how I am in this siuation… ie leaned back, bc in the past I would have felt tempted to reach out to him.

    This way feels great as if he doesn’t make contact he will always wonder about me… ie: Hmmm, I wonder if she really did like me? Cus she didn’t contact me… I wonder what she is up to? Hmmm, actually she was kinda hot.


    So I feel good about that.

    Not sure a 19 year old can really do it for me anyway… and I was/am willing to be open.

    If he contacts now or later even for tomorrow I am tempted to tell him no.

    BC he has left it kinda late. I don’t want to be left hangig till late for dates.

    Plus I can make other plans.

    Not much but I want to take myself for a walk, maybe down to my Mum’s. There is an old abandoned railway line that leads from where I live, nearly all the way to where she lives. It is beautiful at this time of year.

    And then I want to cook some dinner for her and her partner.

  355.  #356Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 6:42 am

    I bought Jerry and Esther Hicks “Money and the Law of Attraction” and have been reading it daily for the last 6 weeks and it’s changed my life…it talks about careers and it was exactly what I needed to read at this time…

    I’ve been wanting to go to Esthetician school for so long and now it’s happening so easily…CRAZY!

    Lilybelle…with hotpilot I could tell things weren’t working out and then he came over and we had sex but it was the same story…he came in .5 seconds and never tried to give me an orgasm and he said it felt like he was going for at least 2 minutes and sometimes 10 minutes…and I just looked at him and I knew it was over…because we were not on the same page as far as sex goes and it became such a turn off for me….and I just felt disconnected and could never put my finger on it…

    I never missed him after breaking it off

    and then when I got back from my fire assignment last week “J” and I got together on Friday and basically spent ALL weekend together and I like him more and more…we have great chemistry AND he’s a seducer!! I’ve had more orgasms that he has!!!!!!!! I love it!! I didn’t realize how important that was to me…..I feel so good around him …we like a lot of the same things….he’s healthy fit kind caring sexual and has his own remodeling business and own house and he’s ready for a family and he said he’s been chasing me for 8 months lol

  356.  #357Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Hummmm, just need to have a lil whine…

    WHY hasn’t he called me Hmmmm whay why Grrrr.



    Poor me.


    Ok, thats is – done.

  357.  #358Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 6:44 am


    Yep…and now blowing up my cell phone. He called me twice last night and texted me in between.

    *blushes* He thinks I am beautiful, inside and out.
    I am supposed to see him tonight and this will be excellent practice.. He is a very confident, very Alpha man and I suspect I will really, REALLY have to be on top of my femininity with an extremely high vibe and feeling myself big time in order to out girl him.

    I really feel excited for you. I’m way curious about the new “old” guy and of course, HotPilot…

    30YearoldHotDude works for the airline industry too. Not a hotpilot but can fly anywhere for 7$…He speaks of traveling…weekend excursions, fine dining (one of my favorite things to do) harley riding (I’m a closet biker chick)…all these things that I like to do. I told him I want to go to St. John’s and drink beer with Kenny Chesney. He said…”ok, I can make that happen”. I said, even the Kenny Chesney beer drinking part? He laughed and said not the Kenny Chesney part but St. John’s and the beer part. LOL

    All moved into my new has been a long week but I feel wonderful and free and peaceful now.

  358.  #359Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 6:48 am

    I feel weird rereading my post about hotpilot never trying to give me an orgasm…it sounds bad to read it like that…that’s not how I am…all about me….but after 4 months I felt like the focus was on him and it didn’t feel like a shared moment between us….like we weren’t even connected 🙁 feels bad even thinking about it with him…I feel disgusted and judgemental towards him…that feels bad…I love my judgemental feelings I love me and all my feelings

  359.  #360Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 6:48 am

    @348: Jilly says:
    “…so much has happened and is happening…and it feels scary and exciting and adventurous…”

    Hi Jilly! 😀

    I always love your posts. I like your sense of exploration and making plans for your life. I’ve been doing that too especially since I fell in love with myself in 1981. None of my projects have included repelling from helicopters (so far) 😉 … but I think they’ve been just as much fun for me.


  360.  #361Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 6:49 am

    yay Lil! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when a man says…”I can make that happen” !!!!!!!! YUM!

  361.  #362Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 6:52 am


    What do Sirens think about the age difference? I feel curious about your thoughts on it.

    Me too, Jilly. Pretty much makes me want to melt all over the place..

  362.  #363Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 6:54 am

    @349: Ella says:
    “…Give this happiness as chance regardless of what the men are doing…”

    Yes! Towards the line of men you could think “Next!” and towards yourself,,, “time for a new project!” I like what Jilly is doing. Have fun.


  363.  #364Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 6:55 am

    (((((SLV)))) awwwww….thank you 🙂 feels so good to hear you!!!

    I love reading that you “fell in love with yourself in 1981”!! Feels beautiful and free and sassy 🙂 I feel in love with myself too…and so happy that I am willing to put my happiness first regardless of what others might think (like coming out of the closet with the fact that I don’t want to be a firefighter anymore and I would rather work at a desk) lol I just don’t want the risk exposure anymore….right now…


  364.  #365Ella on July 2, 2011 at 6:59 am

    I prolly put him off when I said I was scared to meet in case it was not the same as last time.


    I felt v negative saying it.

    Like why am I not just living in the present instead of worrying about ridiculous stuff.

    But u know what, I guess if that is enough to put a man off, then he is not made of tough enough stuff.

    And/or he is not ready for me yet.

    He is not ‘done’ and fully baked yet, te he.

    I don’t want a man who gets scared off by any of my feelings.

    Still this is feeling bit tough somehow though.

    Grrr, don’t like giving situations so much power.

  365.  #366Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Ella 355
    Regarding your married guy….
    you are an intelligent woman and I’m sure you don’t need to be reminded, but be very very careful with this one. If he is willing to be married to someone for “immigration” reasons, what does that say about his moral code? Is marriage that insignificant to him, that he will use it as a legal loophole? How long will he be required to stay in this marriage? Perhaps the woman was hoping it is a “real” marriage? I don’t know…I could be wrong, but some things to think about.

    In addition, he may be agreeing to said meeting with his “wife” to appease you and beware if he keeps putting it off.

    I had/have my own married guy and he was in the process of filing for divorce when I met him more or less, but his story didn’t add up here and there but I let it go becaues I didn’t want to judge him. Turns out he was lying about stuff.

    He has since apologized and we remain friendly, although not really dating. Anyway, just be careful.

  366.  #367Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 7:01 am

    so as of right now…working front desk at the Forest Service and going to school in the evenings…this school has no homework..yay!

    I saw an add for HCG customer service/coaching…I would love to do that…I love the HCG diet and would love to coach people through it…I’m going to do a resume and see what happens…that would be perfect..coaching in the day and school at night…I haven’t felt this excited about my life in a long time….ahhhhh feels invigorating

  367.  #368Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:02 am

    362: Jilly says:
    “yay Lil! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when a man says…”I can make that happen” !!!!!!!! YUM”

    Jilly, I want to hear those words 🙂 Awesome!

  368.  #369Ella on July 2, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Hey Jilly,

    Re age difference – I NEVER used to date younger men till I came here. And I mean never.

    And then when I came here and the general Rori way seems to be to be open to ANY man who wants to step up and date me, as long as he is safe…

    And I had a discussion with Daria about it on here ages ago and she said she has dated some younger guys and they are GREAT!

    So I thought, why not.

    And it is a good experience and triggering in a good way as I am getting to deal with all the NVs about being too old, not hot enough etc…

    Good practice.

    My motto now is just to be open to whoever come along and see how I feel with them.

    I feel curious to see what other Sirens say on this topic.


  369.  #370Jilly on July 2, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Hope everyone has a great day!!!

  370.  #371Ella on July 2, 2011 at 7:05 am

    SLV my new website is going to be my new project… I feel excited, and right now I don’t even have a minute spare anyway.


  371.  #372Ella on July 2, 2011 at 7:06 am

    I miss my 19 y o…

    He said that he missed me when we spoke on IM and he said he knew that was daft.

    Why do men do this?

  372.  #373Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 7:09 am

    @354: Ella says:
    “…I really don’t want to. When can we drop CDs again?,,,”

    I say whenever we want to. I’m in favor of dates we aren’t enormously excited about; we can have the fun of “meeting someone new” practice “getting out there” or “enjoying the activity, conversation, or entertainment.” But if I have a sense of danger, deception, creepiness or outright disgust, I think a “no thank you” is in order.

    And if a guy is glomming all over me when I know my boundaries are still platonic… time for “no thank you and goodbye.”


  373.  #374Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 7:10 am


    It was me asking about dating younger men and age differences. CD tonight is about 15 years younger. lol

    I typically do date younger just not quite by this much.

  374.  #375Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Ella I like your statement about being open to any guy who is willing to step up and not discounting them becaues they are younger, etc.

    I will keep this in mind. I sometimes think, oh he’s way too young, it would never work,…..when I come accross a guy that is more than five years younger.

  375.  #376Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:12 am

    I feel icky about my CD that cancelled last night. Not that I was SUPER excited about it anyway, I mean, I was looking forward to it, but I’m not devastated. I just feel icky because I feel like he was “getting me back” for cancelling on him last week.

    I sincerely had a situation come up at work where I had to cancel on him the same day. I felt really bad and called him right away around noon to let him know, he called back and was nice and understanding. He mentioned something about having a cancellation coupon meaning he can now cancel on me….which makes me feel bad, but I let it go, thinking maybe I’m being too sensitive(I sometimes am overly sensitive).

    Anyway he initiated to reschedule (our date was to have been last night) and I agreed, but then he cancelled yesterday via voicemail, I called him back to let him know I got the message, and I never heard back again. I just have a weird feeling that he did it on purpose, since I cancelled he had to do it back to me to be even steven.

    Just a feeling I have. It feels yuck. I don’t want to think about it too much, but I think I may cut him loose if he calls again, I”m going to ignore.

  376.  #377Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Oh I love this freedom that I can date younger guys…I can date guys my own age,,,, I can date older….I still have a huge pool to pick from.

    I have so many NV that stem from things I have heard people say in the past….generalizations that people make….as well as some that I’ve made up myself….they play in my head 🙁

    “You’re too set in your ways after a certain age, you probably won’t marry”

    “Your pool of men to pick from is so small, all the good ones are taken”

    “Why is he/she still single at this age, there must be something wrong with him/her”

    “You are not emotially open as you were when you were younger, you probably won’t be able to connect with someone now in the same way”

    I hate thinking these thoughts. I want to slash them from my mind. Writing them down makes me hate them more and I hope it helps me to wipe them out. Help please ladies….

  377.  #378Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:18 am

    375: Lilybelle says:

    “It was me asking about dating younger men and age differences. CD tonight is about 15 years younger. lol”

    Yay go lilybelle! Good for you and keep us posted!

  378.  #379Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 7:20 am


    I really liked it when he said that to me too. 🙂

    hee hee

  379.  #380Rori Raye on July 2, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Go Lilybelle…..Love, Rori

  380.  #381Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 7:20 am

    @365: Jilly says:
    “…I am willing to put my happiness first regardless of what others might think (like coming out of the closet with the fact that I don’t want to be a firefighter anymore and I would rather work at a desk) lol I just don’t want the risk exposure anymore….right now…”

    Yep, we can change our minds and do what’s best for us.

    You go, Jilly…



  381.  #382Ella on July 2, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Oh Lillybelle!

    Sorry hon!


    Yeah go for it… if you feel good about it. xxx

  382.  #383Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 7:23 am


    Emerson~ I really don’t like the way that “cancellation coupon” feels. Ugh. I can understand why you are feeling icky about the whole thing.

    When I have a feeling,in the pit of my stomach that something isn’t right, it usually isn’t and I listen to it. Honestly, hasn’t steered me wrong yet…

  383.  #384Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 7:26 am


    Awww, thank you, Rori.

    Welcome back!

  384.  #385Rori Raye on July 2, 2011 at 7:27 am

    wow, Corin….what a hopeful thing you’ve shared! If a man this “toxic” can WANT to come see you and work with you and be a better man…imagine what’s possible for us in this world! Love, Rori

  385.  #386Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:27 am

    384 Thanks Lillybelle
    Yes, I agree, I’m going with my gut.

  386.  #387Rori Raye on July 2, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Brenda – there are 4 books in the series – Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – and they’re splitting Breaking Dawn into 2 parts to try to draw it out…(I’m such a goofy groupie on this one…) Love, Rori

  387.  #388Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Sirens, I have a question. I am super tempted to lean forward with a man that I’ve mentioned before here on the blog, he’s the divorced guy (father of 3) that reached out to me and admitted he’s always had an affection for me….

    We used to work together years ago and his contacting me was a bit out of the blue…but I was flattered and willing to see where it goes, he’s cute and super nice.

    He wanted to get together for a drink/dinner and I had to put him off for a bit because of my schedule, but then I let him know I’m available and he and I exchanged emails trying to pin down a date and time, but it never happened, and he sort of dropped off…..(this contact is all over email, he has my number but never initiated calling me)

    I’m a little surprised and a bit disappointed that he dropped the ball. It’s been about 3 weeks since I have heard from him, but I feel like sending an email saying something about feeling bad for being left hanging….but I know that is not the right way to handle it. Ugh. I know I”m supposed to lean back. But I DO want to see him!!!!

  388.  #389Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 7:33 am

    @372: Ella says:
    “..SLV my new website is going to be my new project… I feel excited, and right now I don’t even have a minute spare anyway….”

    Fabulous. Keep us posted and give us a URL.

    If you think it might take a while to go live with your main project, make a Blogger blogspot blog for practice. In less than an hour you would have a blog for us to see.

    It does wonders for sense of accomplishment and motivation. You already blog enough here so I can see you would be able to do ample posting on a blogspot blog. There are little steps to walk you through. You can monetize it somewhat. And it’s free!


  389.  #390Ella on July 2, 2011 at 7:38 am

    I really want to share the IM convo between me and 19 yr old…

    Because I am feeling so confused how we went from that to no contacting…

    But its kinda long and I wold have to copy and paste it bit by bit…

    Really need to be doing other stuff right now.

    Hmmm, might do it in a min.

    Could really do with some Siren input.

  390.  #391Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 7:43 am

    @390: Emerson says:
    “…I feel like sending an email saying something about feeling bad for being left hanging….but I know that is not the right way to handle it. Ugh. I know I”m supposed to lean back. But I DO want to see him!…”

    Well, gee Emerson… IMHO, I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t know what was going on with a man and I’d feel odd chastising him out of the blue. Maybe he’s dating someone else, or traveling, who knows? He does have your number, right?

    Maybe I’d lean forward enough to show him there’s a ball lying on the floor and to see if he’d pick it up and bounce it around a bit. I woudn’t want to lean forward enough to fall on my head (I’m prone to get excited, lean too far and fall over!) Perhaps send him a smiley. Not quite falling on my head… but maybe I’ll catch some flak here on blog for that anyway. I figure nothing to lose and I’d not feel bad about a smiley if there were no reply.

    Just my take on it. A girly version of “checking the traps… ” 😆


  391.  #392Rori Raye on July 2, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Lg – Thank you for your great comment for Dorothea – and I’ve written a new post with my response. Go Dorothea!!! This is all about awareness first. Love, Rori

  392.  #393Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 7:47 am

    @391: Ella says:
    “….Really need to be doing other stuff right now….”

    Hmm, Maybe doing the Blogger blog might in the long run move you closer to where you want to be. Now, I will say no more on the subject.



  393.  #394Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 7:49 am

    392 Thansk SLV….hmm…I will think about the smiley….

    I kinda diffused my urge to email him just by writing about it on here, reading what I wrote, and realizing that I feel silly about it and I feel uneasy about it. I see it as teetering on PINING….and about a guy I havent see, talked to, thought about in years. Haha.

  394.  #395Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 7:54 am

    @395: Emerson says:
    “…I kinda diffused my urge to email him just by writing about it on here,…
    I see it as teetering on PINING….and about a guy I havent see, talked to, thought about in years. Haha….”

    Hahaha.. TGFRB… Thank goodness for Rori blog… 😆


  395.  #396Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 8:22 am


    RE: #388 – Thank you for the info! Do you know when the next one is coming out? I’m a goofie groupie on this one, too! You are the one who originally turned me on to the Twilight Series, when you first mentioned you were reading them and studying the relationships.

    What especially appeals to me about these romance stories is the level of accepting, unconditional love given by Bella to beings that are not fully human! I am totally into it, too!

  396.  #397Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Brenda, How are things going? Were you able to fall asleep finally? How is the job and apt search?

    I’m looking at a move/job transition soon myself. I am still status quo but already I’m feeling tense, so I can imagine how it is for you to feel in limbo. Hope you find a place to settle in soon.
    Emerson 🙂

  397.  #398Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 8:40 am

    @396 SLV, yes! Thank goodness for the blog. It helps to get things out.

  398.  #399Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 8:45 am


    Brenda~The next film, (the first half of Breaking Dawn) releases in November.

  399.  #400Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 8:52 am


    RE: #398 – Thanks! I feel things progressing! I am getting some FANTASTIC job leads! For example, there is one to be an instructional designer for a Catholic organization.

    My main experience is as a document specialist and technical writer for pharmaceutical companies. Altho my belief system isn’t Catholic, that is not an issue to me. I would feel far more fulfilled writing stuff about God than about pharmaceuticals! I am fully qualified! And the job is close to “home”, so it would be very excellent if I get it.

    I am applying for a mixture of jobs: pharmaceutical, waitressing, and Christian. The pharma is where the money and my experience are the waitressing would be a quick hire for quick money; and the Christian positions are more where my calling and interest lie.

    I still don’t have the money for an apartment, but I feel a new hope for things ironing out sooner than later…I think this has to do with faith more than anything. I am also gaining confidence in my ability to survive, even when it gets tuff.

    I still don’t know when the people where I am staying are going to ask me to leave. It’s about the dogs, not about me. They said they would ask me to be a permanent tenant if it weren’t for the dogs. And I can’t blame them – the dogs are really a disturbance when you are used to having a quiet, orderly lifestyle.

    Baby steps…but I’m feeling more optimistic overall!

  400.  #401Ella on July 2, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Ok, while I am waiting for my toe nails to dry I am going to copy and paste the IM convo between me and J.

    I feel confused and would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on how we can have this conversation and then he not be in touch:

    Ok so he had contacted and asked me to call him when I had some free time. I had text that I had some free time over the weekend and not heard back. This was the next day.

    Him: im outa credit and have of recent lost my bank card incase your wondering why i havent given you a reply. but of course id love to see you this weekend! are you thinking of taking me some place special or do you have a laaazy day in mind. or would you prefer me to asert myself as the man and deside what we do though with my lack of money the options may not be a ball of glitter. xxxx..

    Me: Hey hon, Cool cool. Weeeel, it would feel best to me if you made the plan so I am happy with whatever you decide. Yep always feels good when a man asserts himself 🙂
    Am happy with doing something cheap/free and I am sure it will be a ball of gliter anyway. xxx..

    Him: right i dont know why i opted for myself bringing up the idea’s for what the options are for this weekend cus all i can think of is walk’s and i dont even like walks reallyso im thinking another lazy day i know that sounds dull as hell but i just cant have you taking me out cus im broke as a jokeplus wasting time is never really wasted if you enjoy the time you waste and i really enjoyed my time with you so… what say you?oi!!!c’mon i want a reply or im just gonna call youthe awnser machine has got the best of me damn you julie!look i do really wanna see you so just gimme a call on my mobile watever the time ok? xxxx..

    Me: Sorry hon was in the shower.

    Him: right i miss youand im lonely..

    Me: Awww, that feels niceMe too..

    Him: can i not come round or something not for sex just a night together..

    Me: Errr, I feel a little bit uncomfortable..

    Him: Ok we’ll leave that.

    Me: I would rather wait and make a plan. I want to feel cofortable, good and safe.

    Him: yeah i understand that i dont wanna freak you out..

    Me: lol

    Him: By all means I just quite miss you

    Me: I am giggling now

    Him: I hope you understand

    Me: And smiling

    Him: plus read my earlier message’s cus my idea’s are shit i mean a wlk really??!!!all i can think when im this broke though..

    Me: … No, I feel quite happy to have a lazy day with you… and even the walking sounds ok (I quite like walking)… I just don’t want to meet tonightReeaally soon though:-)Btw – I miss you too..

  401.  #402Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 8:54 am


    RE: #400 – Thanks! I can’t wait for November! I want to be Bella! 🙂

  402.  #403Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 8:57 am


    RE: #402 – Hey, that sounds like a really nice conversation! You did a fantastic job with feeling messages! How bout a walk…at a museum, or some such free, interesting, public place? Or even window shopping and walking. He sounds really nice!

  403.  #404Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 8:58 am

    401 Brenda I am glad to hear that things are moving along in a positive way…I love your positive attitude and your refusal to give up. Thoughts and prayers to you.
    Emerson 🙂

  404.  #405Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Hi Rori! How fun to see you on the blog!!

  405.  #406Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

    SLV and Emerson,

    I feel so much the same way…thank God for the blog! SO many times I have come here to chat rather than contacting Ryan! It is still a daily struggle, and I have gone 2 weeks as of Monday without contacting him. I am really working hard on shifting my view. I don’t want him unless he’s hotly pursuing ME. What good is it for me to pursue him? None.

    Baby steps turn into huge strides! 😆

  406.  #407Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Thanks, Emerson! You’re a sweetheart!

    I love all my sisters on here!

  407.  #408Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Him: but spose a lazy day i could put your shelf up always a bonus..

    Me: Which feels weird as I don’t know you that well.

    Him: well i liturally am what youve seensoo i mean go by it or not.. I wear my hear on my sleeve, what you see is what you get.

    Me: Lol Cool

    Him: I am what you have seen

    Me: I feel happy

    Him: i feel like your very unsure about me all of a sudden..

    Me: Do u?Hmmm, feeling kinda mixed. I felt amazing when we hung out…U know what that sheeps mask makes me feel a lil freaked out cus I can’t see u… know it sounds weird.. (he had on a mask in his FB profile pic)

    Him: see thats why your cool..
    Hang on a minute… there picture changed.

    Me: lol Pic hasn’t changed on here yet..

    Him: Well I am not a magic man. I am a science man.

    Me: And that you went and changed it feels like ‘awww’ 🙂 🙂

    Him: Look I really like you.

    Me: And that feels GREAT

    Him: i know that sounds dumb as fuck but when i meet someone for a night it’s usually just sex so with you to still be interested with only your company and the hugging is just really cooland im not a fucking slaper im just saying..

    Me: I am laughing out loud at your last statement. I
    I didn’t think you were!
    Err, I know what you mean.
    I feel like that too and it makes me feel…. scared

    Him: No, not at all, its amazingly cool!

    Me: Yep that too 🙂

  408.  #409Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 9:02 am

    @401: Brenda

    Keep on keeping on.



  409.  #410Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Ella I like what you did there too
    If I had to have too many conversations like that I would feel drained, so hopefully he gets the gist soon.

  410.  #411Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 9:05 am

    but then again EVERYTHING makes me feel drained lol

  411.  #412Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 9:10 am


    Keep on keep on keeping on…keep on doing it to it! 🙂

  412.  #413Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Me: Pic much better now btw

    Him: i could very happily just lay in bed with youand i dont really get that(again not a slapper)and thank you..

    Me: You are Welcome.I feel really good about it too…And kinda awed..

    Him: You just said a word I don’t know

    Me: Awed, eg in awe of the situation.
    Do you know now?

    Him: yes

    Me: …. and the scared part is iin case we met and it wasn’t the same!:-(..

    Him: Woah woah, negative or what.

    Me: Yeah I know I am just sayin.

    Him: ok well if thats the case your worried about just make sure were pissed before we meet eachother again!problem solved..

    Me: Lol ha ha Oh gosh I am lmao. yep cool..

    Him: cus I am not not seeing you again

    Me: Oh really! 🙁 (I thought he was saying he didn’t want to meet up again…)

    Him: Yeah really

    Me: As if you would have a chance!!!! (what I should have said was I am feeling defensive)

    Him: I am shocked and appawled

    Me: Me too I feel sad and pouty

    Him: for someone who just lorded over their superiority you should feel sad.. (btw I know this sounds harsh and he is saying it jokingly… I know this from spending time with him… v dry sense humour)

    Me: Hmmm, I feel confused now.

    Him: ok well i cant be arsed so we’ll let that one sliiiide. but im saying how do you feel about another lazy day this weekend?cus if you want us to go out clubbing you’ll be paying..

    Me: Lazy day would feel amazing

    Him: plus im sure i could rummage up a cheap bottle of boos if you feel the need to get pissedjust incase you want it to be exact to last time..

    Me: Lol… I’m sure I can manage without, and if you want to bring some you can…That will only work if it is SUPER HOT! (trhe weather)

    Him: Oh gosh itr was hot!

    Me: I still confused abou you saying we weren’t going to see each other, and now we are

    Him: When did I say that?

    Me: errr, above!

    Then I re-read it…

    Me: Oh, just saw the double negativeI get it now!Hmmm, need to read slower..

    Him: sorryim not gonna liemy take on the english language isent exactly normall..

    Me: Ha ha I know, it is interesting

    Him: but yes that was a ID LOVE TO SEE YOU AGIAN!!!!!..

    Me: Ah, that makes more sense. I feel less confused.

    Him: im gladi hate to confuse i get it enough..

    Me: do you? Me tooI don’t mind…..

    Him: And now I love you even more

    Me: feels uncomforable sometimes… and then when you get through it its like ‘ahhh’ yeah I get it…and then you feel closer to that person..usually, kinda coolAwww, thanks hon..

    Him: b-e-a-utifullok look im gonna call it a night for me..

    Me: Ok night night.

    Him: i shall be calling you tommorow though so dont let it go to awnser phoneor dont just hand up on me like i saw the other day*hang..

    Me: It might… if I am working. And if you ask me to call you back I will.That was different thing altogether..

    Him: true you where with me..

    Me: That is EXACTLY what I was just typingAnd so my attention was with you..

    Him: We got that connection

    Me: 🙂 Anyway I am feeling tired

    Him: same

    Me: Going to get some sleep. Night.

    Him: yep talk tomorow(really am digging you right now)xxxxx..

    Me: Awww, and me you. Feels good. Night. xxx


    So he was gonna call yesterday. And didn’t, in fact nothing since that IM convo.

    We are sposed to be meeting tomorrow.

    I feel CONFUSED!!

    Sirens any idea what this is all about?

  413.  #414Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 9:20 am

    feeling scared my guy is pulling back.
    noticing drama addiction in relationship. for both of us.
    feeling paranoid.
    wishing i wasn’t an intuitive person so that “hunches” i get he is doing bad bad things to hurt me could more readily be dismissed as crazy thoughts.

  414.  #415Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 9:21 am

    @402: Ella says:
    “…would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on how we can have this conversation and then he not be in touch…”

    He offered you a date; you turned down his offer. That session is now over. Perhaps he will try again, with the same offer, some variation of it, or something else. Time will tell.

    If a man wants to spend time with you he will find a way (unless he has no imagination whatsover then you have to ask yourself whether that’s the kind of man you will accept.)

    If he wants an easy lay up and overnight tonight he might move on to the next woman on the list. Either way you might hear from him after.

    Here’s his date offer to you:

    Him: can i not come round or something not for sex just a night together..

    Here’s your declining the invitation :
    Me: Errr, I feel a little bit uncomfortable..
    Him: Ok we’ll leave that.

    and his recognition of that.

    Me: I would rather wait and make a plan. I want to feel cofortable, good and safe.

    Him: yeah i understand that i dont wanna freak you out..



  415.  #416Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Sorry this one comes before the last post… I did them in 3 as so long. It went into moderation cus there was a swear word!

    Him: but spose a lazy day i could put your shelf up always a bonus..

    Me: Which feels weird as I don’t know you that well.

    Him: well i liturally am what youve seensoo i mean go by it or not.. I wear my hear on my sleeve, what you see is what you get.

    Me: Lol Cool

    Him: I am what you have seen

    Me: I feel happy

    Him: i feel like your very unsure about me all of a sudden..

    Me: Do u?Hmmm, feeling kinda mixed. I felt amazing when we hung out…U know what that sheeps mask makes me feel a lil freaked out cus I can’t see u… know it sounds weird.. (he had on a mask in his FB profile pic)

    Him: see thats why your cool..
    Hang on a minute… there picture changed.

    Me: lol Pic hasn’t changed on here yet..

    Him: Well I am not a magic man. I am a science man.

    Me: And that you went and changed it feels like ‘awww’

    Him: Look I really like you.

    Me: And that feels GREAT

    Him: i know that sounds dumb as F8ck but when i meet someone for a night it’s usually just sex so with you to still be interested with only your company and the hugging is just really cooland im not a f8cken slaper im just saying..

    Me: I am laughing out loud at your last statement. I
    I didn’t think you were!
    Err, I know what you mean.
    I feel like that too and it makes me feel…. scared

    Him: No, not at all, its amazingly cool!

    Me: Yep that too

  416.  #417Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Ella, he may very well have meant what he said when he said it, that he wants to see you and spend time this weekend. But at 19, the maturity may just not be there. Not that it’s an excuse, but if he felt like he cant live up to your standards (not that you implied it, but maybe it’s in his head, since he mentioned he’s broke) ….he may feel inadequate and then just avoid the situation altogether.

    I think guys do this sometimes, rather than be upfront and honest they just poof….and disappear for a while. I have a feeling you havent heard/seen the last of him.

    I believe he’ll come back around to contact you….I wouldn’t overthink it too much

  417.  #418Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 9:35 am

    LOL I see there’s more. I don’t know if it’s meaningful since there are no clear plans made for anything different. There is an additional pitch for the original invitation in which he increases his offer by adding some booze to get you in a more receptive mood.

    You didn’t give him a “come on over” then he ended the conversation.

    Nothing to do but see what he offers next…

    Silence is no offer… yet…


  418.  #419Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 9:40 am


    Was that the last of it… 😆

    Emerson seems to have a good take on it. It seems so to me also.

    Emerson ==>
    “I believe he’ll come back around to contact you….I wouldn’t overthink it too much..”

    I wouldn’t think about it too much either. What is it that Rori says? … something like the old saying “out of sight out of mind.”


  419.  #420Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:42 am


    Yes, lol. That was the last 🙂


  420.  #421Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:44 am


    Re: 419

    No… he was offering booze for the date we were planning for Sunday… not that night.

    Its confusing bc posts 2 & 3 came in the wrong order (darned moderation!)

    I was trying to be nice and not creat a HUGE LONG post… thought I’d split it.

  421.  #422Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 9:50 am

    “If he isn’t in front of you, he isn’t real.”

  422.  #423Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:53 am


    Yeah… sounds v plausible.

    I just hate getting all excited and then feeling let down…

    Its like he said so many nice things and so many times that he liked me, and it made me feel all excited and like ‘yeah, he clearly does really like me, whoop whoop’

    And then ‘Poof!’

    Hmph Hmph,

    Feeling sulky bout it!!

  423.  #424Ella on July 2, 2011 at 9:54 am

    No real, not real, not real, not real..

    La la la.

  424.  #425Laughing Goddess on July 2, 2011 at 9:57 am

    SLV: “I wouldn’t think about it too much either. What is it that Rori says? … something like the old saying “out of sight out of mind.”

    If he’s not in front of you, he doesn’t exist?

  425.  #426Laughing Goddess on July 2, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Lillybelle: ¡ jinks !!! 🙂

  426.  #427Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 10:01 am

    423 @Ella
    I know what you mean about feeling sulky, when they say those things I get excited and squishy and giggly as well….and then when they “poof” out of sight it’s so blahhhh……..

    My MarriedGuy does that sometimes too. He gets all gaga over me and showers me with compliments but then he rubberbands away from me for a while, but then comes back. I’ve learned not to get so huffy about it now, but I continue to CD other men so that helps.

  427.  #428Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 10:02 am

    I think i need to change MarriedGuy’s name, because his divorce is almost final, (yay) and I don’t want ppl to think I’m sneaking around with a married guy in that way….he’s just been in the process of divorce and I named him MarriedGuy to remind myself of that fact. 🙂

  428.  #429Laughing Goddess on July 2, 2011 at 10:05 am

    This just arrived in my inbox. I hope it’s okay to post here.

    To ensure receipt of our emails, please add to your Address Book.

    Dear Inner Bonder,
    We continue to receive wonderful feedback about SelfQuest!
    “I must tell you how much I love SelfQuest! It feels like I am having a session with you in my living room. It’s really wonderful and sooooooo very healing to be able to sit quietly and reflect while SelfQuest leads the way. As I plug in information about my parents, I realize how I have acted out in some of the same ways that they did. It’s all beginning to make sense and it’s a relief to begin to understand myself. The shame that I have carried for so long is now being replaced with compassion. And that is the gift!”
    –Penny Boyle, Longmeadow, MA
    “This program is wonderful – the work of pure genius. Thank you for this opportunity to grow and heal.”
    –Elizabeth Karner, Laguna Woods, CA
      *  *  *  *  *
    Do you often find yourself asking others “What should I do?” Are you ready to discover how to access the right, best answers for yourself?
    Is passion, love and joy missing from your life? Have you tried everything to feel good about yourself yet you still experience low self-worth and insecurity? Do you blame yourself when others are cold or rejecting, thinking you did something wrong or there is something wrong with you?
    Do you sometimes wonder why you are on the planet, unable to discover your passions and calling?
                                                 *  *  *  *  *    
    SelfQuest® is the ultimate way to heal yourself!
    (Note: If you cannot afford the full price of SelfQuest, then scroll down to Option 4 on SelfQuest where you can apply for our financial assistance program. We want SelfQuest to be available to everyone who wants to heal. Be aware that 25% of the proceeds from SelfQuest go into our prison and schools program.)
    SelfQuest® teaches the Inner Bonding® process, the definitive 6-step spiritually-based therapeutic modality that heals shame and the resulting self-abandonment that is the root cause of anxiety, stress, depression, insecurity, low self-esteem, addictions, and relationship problems. SelfQuest® creates profound connections with Self, Spirit, and others that heals emptiness, aloneness, and loneliness, unleashing creativity, imagination, passion and purpose, love and joy, and the ability to find your own right best answers in every situation!

    “SelfQuest is a tool of inquiry that can be explored in the privacy of ones’ own space…a tool that can directly trigger healing around addictions, depression, PTSD, relationships and anxiety (among other challenges) that keep us from the harmony of who we truly are….profoundly wise, knowledgeable and direct…and can now be used through technology.
    It is a truly generous act…to have come up with SelfQuest, a tool that can be used to match the degree of readiness we have for true healing, and for embracing the wholeness that is our birthright.”
    –Alanis Morissette, Singer, Songwriter
    “I wanted to thank you for your tremendous help with SelfQuest. Through the program I am exploring even further the roots of my co-dependence, and the more that I attend to the needs of my inner child, the deeper my connection with my children becomes. As a matter of fact, it helps to see each child as my inner child at their particular age, and they are now teaching me SO MUCH about myself! My 14 year-old son now comes to talk to me about things I would NEVER tell my father, because he wasn’t emotionally present for me. What a gift I am able to give to my children and beyond! Thank you for helping to re-direct me towards a path of wholeness and healing.”
    –Patrick Mureithi, Springfield, MO
    “I think Self Quest is wonderful. It is SO thorough. I spent a long time going through all of that initial evaluation and now I use it when an “issue” arises. It has definitely helped me feel more practiced at IB, so that the six steps are a little more natural. And it’s lovely to know that I have a structure to turn to when I get stuck. What a blessing; thank you.”
    –Lisa Devine
    This man has just started SelfQuest, yet is already experiencing the magic if it:
      “I am finding Self-Quest very helpful, even though I’m just at the beginning. I am surprised to find that, in doing my personal history and behaviour profile, a fair amount of residual stuff is being stirred up – stuff that I thought I had dealt with years ago, but maybe only at a certain level.
    You ask VERY GOOD questions that dig down into hidden or unresolved muck, or as Star Trek used to say, ‘To boldly go where no man has gone before’!”
    –R.B. Rayner
    SelfQuest is even more interesting and affirming than I thought it could ever be….
    I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I was 300 pounds ten months ago and have lost 136 pounds. I lived a lifetime of abusive relationships. SelfQuest addressed all of those issues and anyone experiencing this wonderful program would benefit from it….I would recommend SelfQuest to everyone. There isn’t a single soul out there in the world today that wouldn’t benefit from the healing qualities provided within the program!
    –Kathleen Howe, Kettering, Ohio, Entrepreneur/Student
    SelfQuest® is a completely unique self-healing program, leading you on a journey of self-discovery and transformation.  It works on your personal computer with complete confidentiality, in the comfort of your own home on your own schedule.
    “I found SelfQuest amazing, and I have found peace among so many other feelings and emotions. I believe I am on the right way to become a better mom (and dad); now I understand why I have been so afraid of having a commited relationship. I see this program as a blessing itself, it is helping me to feel much better with whom I am.”
    –Haydeé L. López Cruz
    “SelfQuest has been life-changing! Taking it slowly…sometimes painfully…but has been incredibly healing. Such a gift…thank you.”   –Maria Cornwell
    SelfQuest’s advanced technology has powerful ways of incorporating self-healing, while rapidly helping you become conscious of the beliefs and behavior patterns that cause your suffering and relationship problems.
    While you go through the SelfQuest program, your mind will take the steps to heal itself. SelfQuest not only shows you how to heal your false beliefs, but it also shows you how to access the powerful truth to attain personal power and emotional freedom, faster and for a much lower cost than expensive therapists.    
     “Self Quest is amazing. I’m calling it my personal therapist. It is so insightful and creates an awareness of the depths that exist within me. In this short amount of time, I have been able to heal some very deep wounds and scars from previous traumatic experiences….the material is so good….Thank you so much for creating this program, I absolutely love it.”
    –Levette Brown, Customer Service Representative, Learning Strategies Corporation
    You’ll be amazed at how your life starts to shift to a higher state of awareness, inner  peace, and joy!
    Discover SelfQuest!

    To Your Healing and Growth,
    Dr. Margaret Paul and Dr. Erika Chopich

  429.  #430Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 10:08 am

    I feel kinda weird that I wrote “yay!” next to the fact that someone’s divorce was almost final…I in no way celebrate divorce, and it sounds a bit insensitive now that I re-read my comment. ….
    but this has been an ongoing cumbersome ordeal for the parties involved and I guess it’s good that it’s almost settled.

  430.  #431Laughing Goddess on July 2, 2011 at 10:13 am

    I got turned on to Margaret Paul after seeing some of her guest posts here. She addresses how blame can destroy a relationship and ways to get out of the cycle.

  431.  #432Ella on July 2, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Emerson re 248

    That is comforting to hear… I guess its just guys.


  432.  #433Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 10:30 am

    230 Rosa, I like Carl Sagan. I remember we used to watch his stuff in school science class, and everyone would get completely SILENT…kind of mesmerized, and watch intently.

  433.  #434Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 10:31 am

    I just watched the clip you pasted, I love hearing him speak.

  434.  #435Ella on July 2, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Sirens I am feeling so nervous.

    I am about to go and do a Zumba demonstration on a stage in front of a couple of hundred people!


    Wasn’t sure what to wear. It was between a pair of white shorts/hotpants with a tight white top and purple suede boots or a floaty blue femine dress with the same boots.

    The hotpants outfir looked v Zumba-y and was quite revealing, I felt kinda on show. More masc and sexy w attitude.

    I chose the dress bc I feel more comfortable. It is pretty, floaty and feminine.

    I hope I have made the right choice.. oh and that I get all the moves right!


  435.  #436Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Ella I bet you’ll do great and ppl are just gonna wish they could do it too! you’ll inspire them!

  436.  #437Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 11:48 am

    @429: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…This just arrived in my inbox. I hope it’s okay to post here….”

    I believe Rori explained what she wanted on blog some time ago… a link to copyright content belonging to others… but she also said a few things about italics and other html and sometimes I’m kind of naughty about that too… LOL 😆

    😳 I’m trying to be good… 😆


  437.  #438Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 11:55 am

    @435: Ella says:
    “…Sirens I am feeling so nervous.
    I am about to go and do a Zumba demonstration …”

    I’m excited for you. ‘Break a leg’ as they say in the biz. Are you making a video of your performance? Putting up on video sharing site like YouTube or Viddler so we can see??? This would be great for your website/blog also since you don’t have to host and you can embed in a few seconds.

    Fun! I’m sure you will look beautiful no matter what you wear.

    I wanna see, I wanna see… 😉


  438.  #439Daria on July 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    My baby Hawkman is off house arrest 🙂

    And he is taking me out tomorrow night for dinner.

    He is coming here to me and then we are going out to eat and then were going on the bus together to spend the night at his (aunts) place … If I want to

    Which I do 🙂

    I’m gonna want to be brought back too

  439.  #440Daria on July 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I feel attracted to my girls man, he makes me think of Securityman 🙁

    And my girl is attracted to me – she’s a lesbian… So I’m like Ufff now I woke up to a text from her about it and I’m like ack!!! I don’t want anything more than friends she seems a good friend.

    So now I’m here in bed feeling kinda overwhelmed

    Wishing all my bank stuff was taken care of

    I feel nauseous thinking of it

    I love my nausea

  440.  #441Daria on July 2, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Yo quiero sex.

    I’m thinking of men in the past who I can contact… But…

    Why do I want to contact men?

    To shift from this restless kinda pouty feeling

    I’m gonna just feel it now

  441.  #442Daria on July 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    I just talked to a guy who hella offended me a couple tears ago…

    He was saying we both had a part in it, and me to move on from it,

    But I didn’t feel safe

    I would love to feel safe and close to him but I didn’t

    And then he still tried turning things back around on me and I told him I gotta go and hung up

  442.  #443Daria on July 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I feel good and also sad! 🙁

    I feel like a pain or compassion

    Like for him, that I won’t let him close

    Or is it for me… That I want to be held and adored

  443.  #444Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm


    RE: #435 – Awesome! I hope you do well, and I hope you share the video with us! Both outfits sound stunning! I love zumba!

  444.  #445Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Rosa and Emerson,

    RE: Carl Sagan – When I was a German Shepherd breeder, my stud dog was named “Sagan”, after Carl Sagan! He was my highest quality dog ever! And such a sweetie! How I miss my boy!

    I bought him from a breeder whose kennel was named after a constellation, so all her dogs were astronomy related in their names.

    Here’s to Sagan, my beautiful boy!

  445.  #446alias girl on July 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    corin i love what you shared. thank you!

    i also believe in healing, rehabilitation and the possibility for people to change If They Want To.

    Thank you Nikita for the lovely hello and the bd wishes. 🙂 i feel very uplifted!!

    thank you dorothea for the big welcoming hello also!! 🙂

    dorothea…i don’t much care for strict “diagnosis” of people. it feels helpful in the sense of being able to have a common ground of communicating about the situation but it feels a little restrictive to label oneself and then sort of “live up” to the label and form an identity around it.

    as some of you know i am a big abraham fan and abraham says we are basically all bipolar it’s just some people get a little more out of whack and out of balance.

    here is a video if interested:

    i’m not sure if it will make sense because there is a lot of language abraham uses that feels like insider language… just like rori’s work uses “insider” language like FM, and NV etc.

    abraham uses language repetively that has gained more meaning for me as i listen more.

    anyway i just felt like sharing.

  446.  #447Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 3:09 pm


    RE: #263 – I really like your comments on Edward and Jacob from the Twilight Series. It gives me a lot to think about, since Edward = Ryan to me, and Jacob = Kenny to me.

    The heart has reasons that reason doesn’t understand. That’s my answer to all the questions you pose, even tho you present perfect, wise logic! I question myself much along the same lines.

    For me it comes down to Ryan being so attuned to WHO I AM. He is the best listener I have ever encountered, ever. Kenny is the best interruptor I’ve ever encountered. That is one of my most central issues. I want to feel understood by a man. When a man takes the time to understand me and feel me in his blood, I feel cared for. Yet Kenny would easily be a better provider and protector, when he is free again in a couple of years.

    It must have been on another thread where you addressed me. I read it on my cell phone and now I can’t find it on the computer. I don’t understand why you think you are being blunt in encouraging me to jobhunt.

    All I conclude is what I am not reading…that maybe I am being judged as not jobhunting…when I am?

    Anyway, sorry to hear what a rough time you went thru at the domestic violence center and your ex trying to put you in a mental hospital. I helped a woman 4 years ago in a very similar situation…I was there with her just days after her separation, when an ambulance and police car pulled up to her house to take her to a mental hospital with a “302” (forced psychiatric evaluation). I was with her each step of the way thru her very messy divorce, visitations of the children, and finally his imprisonment, after he left threatening messages on her voicemail. I feel for you.

    Love, Brenda

  447.  #448Ice Princess on July 2, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    So, I went to a store with LP and then he said he needed to go home and I asked him when we were going to see the movie he just bought together. He told me he didn’t know and that he would call me later if he could watch the movie. Did I lean forward too much?

  448.  #449Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Ice Princess,

    From what you said (I don’t know if there was more), you bought a movie together, leaving you with an expectation you were going to watch it together. I think I would have spontaneously asked that in that situation, too.

    Technically, you probably leaned forward too much. Maybe you could have said, “I feel so excited to see the movie.” But I wouldn’t sweat it….I really don’t think you leaned forward too much.

  449.  #450kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Does anyone know of a therapist in the la area? I have insurance. I need to see someone about not being able to move forward when I feel used.

  450.  #451Ice Princess on July 2, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Thanks Brenda, you made me feel better. I guess I worry too much about ruining the progress we have made.

  451.  #452tinque on July 2, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    kaitlyn – don’t know if she’s still taking patients. Toby McManmon in Sierra Madre.

    I know who to ask if you want me to look for options. Let me know. E-mail me if you prefer.


  452.  #453kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    I feel used. I wish I would’ve told Adam “I’m on your side with this. You have my love and support. But I feel slighted that you canceled your trip to la because your focus on the betrayal of her and your friends overrides seeing me. I totally understand you saying you can’t be anyone’s bf right now. But we’re long dist and I like you too much to just be your friend and I get squirmish hearing about another woman.”

    I did kinda say something like that but he accused me of giving him an ultimatum. I wish I would’ve just said, “No. I’m protecting my heart. And I wish you the best.”

    But he begged and pleaded with me to stay at his side as a friend. So, I did.

    And I can’t believe I agreed to read that closing letter to her. As venous as it was, he expressed his pain she caused when he loved her. The words “I loved you. I adored you” still haunt me. Those words weren’t for me. I got to read words penned by him for someone else. She gets his obsession and focus while I get nothing short of…nothing.

    What triggered this? Him telling me he felt closure after sending that letter yet the next few days I didn’t hear from him nor did he even call me before he left for Germany.

  453.  #454kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    If he had any attraction he had for me, even if clouded by his depression, is now probably gone.

  454.  #455kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    And last week he even called me and said how my support and appreciation makes him feel closer to me. I just feel confused. And burned. And I feel guilty for not being strong enough to say ‘hey kaitlyn, you’re beautiful and it’s summer. just forget about him. it’s easy.’

    I even got a facial today. Still don’t feel sirenesque.

  455.  #456Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    @455: kaitlyn says:
    “…I just feel confused. And burned. And I feel guilty for not being strong enough to say ‘hey kaitlyn, you’re beautiful and it’s summer. just forget about him. it’s easy.’…”

    Hi kaitlyn…
    I recall a Rori post that might be helpful to you. I’ll go look for it and post a link.

    …a facial couldn’t hurt…

    hope you feel better.


  456.  #457Emerson on July 2, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    445 Brenda that’s awesome 😉

  457.  #458Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Rori posted these wise words which apply in many situations… when the relationship is not what you thought it might be.


  458.  #459kaitlyn on July 2, 2011 at 5:06 pm


    “You change your clothes. You change your hair. You turn into a different person for yourself, so that you feel different.”

    Hence why I’m signing up for new tits on the 11th.

  459.  #460Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 5:15 pm


    Evening events with youngdude didn’t happen. He didn’t call to finalize plans and I’ll be damned if I will. I also believe I have a high degree of difficulty about me and was told last night that it is 2011…
    So my esteem is in the tank, but not about him really, he’s just another one who has proven to be not good enough and “NEXT” is appropriate in this situation.

    But it’s the “next” that gets me. They have all been like this recently. No follow through, no stepping up unless they get it THEIR way…and this is a new way of being for me and it isn’t working either.

    Am I being healed? Hell if I know. I seriously want to shut down/hide profiles until I get it figured out. But I also know that is a no-no.

    The biggest thing with YoungDude was that I felt fear. Not of him, persay, but of me wanting a man to be all that he showed to be (minus the lack of follow through of course)…THAT kind of man and I think I got scared….again.

    And, I don’t know how to heal that fear…

    Fear of chosing wrong.
    Fear of being talked into something that I don’t want.
    Fear of getting hurt. (BIG ONE)
    And I just can’t figure out how to heal it. How to heal me..

    I know I am supposed to love my fear but right now, I kinda have some serious disdain for it.

  460.  #461tinque on July 2, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    it’s not going to change the pain inside kaitlyn…


  461.  #462Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    @459: kaitlyn says:
    Hence why I’m signing up for new tits on the 11th…”

    How about keeping the tits you have and being extra good to them? It might feel really good and cost a whole lot less too… And it would feel more like you only better not just different.

    Be sweet to yourself, kaitlyn. I know it’s difficult… I’ve experienced the same feelings as you. Going into the woods and screaming might make you feel as good as the new tits would and there are no knives involved.

    P.S. if you do the screaming while riding a bike, it’s actually kind of fun.


  462.  #463Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    @460: Lilybelle says:
    “…was told last night that it is 2011…”

    What happened? Did someone accuse you of “living in the wrong year?”


  463.  #464Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 5:51 pm


    I went to your blog and saw there’s a countdown! Sixteen hours to go. So exciting ❗


  464.  #465Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm


    It’s the high degree of difficulty thing, you know? Not wanting to make the plans, not wanting to follow up, just basically wanting the Man to be the Man.

    It is 2011…women’s lib and all that.Men are used to women doing the pursuing and expect that ALL women function that way. I used to and that wasn’t working out so well. Now I lean way back, and that isn’t working so well either.

    I get lots of “call me anytime you want” and I don’t. so they move on to the next one. The one that will do all the work for them, I suppose.


  465.  #466tinque on July 2, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Really??? You know more than I SLV. YAY!!!


  466.  #467Daria on July 2, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Hey lilybelle – I feel the disdain for my feelings too… And that’s when I make the extra loving effort to say or write… I love my feelings… That is enough to get the healing happening

  467.  #468Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    @465: Lilybelle says:
    “…I get lots of “call me anytime you want” and I don’t. so they move on to the next one. The one that will do all the work for them, I suppose. …”

    This is something to ponder. I don’t want to toss anyone out. I want to make all my chances count. I’m wondering if some of these guys aren’t being lazy they are thinking they are “giving” something by “being available” at our decision. As in…”I’m interested I’ll be available for you whenever you want…”

    If that’s what I have to work with, hmmm just have to find a way, words, to make it work…

    Thinking cap… on. Of course, if I’m totally not attracted then there’s not too much to be concerned with.


  468.  #469Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    @466: tinque says:
    “Really??? You know more than I SLV. YAY!!!

    I thought it was for new design, you mentioned something about a few days. Or maybe it’s maintenance. Do you have a final date set? Did I jump the gun on excitement?


  469.  #470Butterfly Wings on July 2, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Kaitlyn, I’m not sure if my situation will help you at all, but I found that when I eventually came to the realisation that focusing on the positives and believing that being alone was a whole lot better than feeling the way I did over a guy, that’s when things changed significantly for me.

    My guy wasn’t giving me what I wanted and there were other complicating factors and I was feeling MISERABLE about it! In fact, I was a mess!

    I’m a life coach too, so to see myself going through what I did over him is kind of embarrassing – I felt like I should have known better than to let my feelings for a man get me down like they did.

    But after reading a LOT of self help books and listening to audios about the law of attraction, I realised that while I continued to focus on what I DIDN’T want, then that’s what I was going to keep attracting.

    So I decided to focus on only the positives (not easy and I kept having to forgive myself when I slipped up), and I also had to let go of the outcome and decide to “just be”, as Rori would say.

    I came to the realisation that I’d be ok regardless of if we were together, or not. And I truly believed that.

    What’s happened since then is that not only has he stepped up (we’re still in an imaginary relationship though – but that’s ok for now because he’s REALLY stepping up and I feel happy, which is what matters most to me!), but I have several other men coming out of the woodwork too – one who I did not even consider as an option!

    I feel so light and happy and relaxed – it’s amazing when I compare this to how I felt only a few months ago! And all because I started focusing only on the positives and stopped being so attached to the outcome!

    He’s going to do what he’s going to do because he’s a man. If that means contacting me or doing something nice for me, then great. If not, then it’s his loss and he doesn’t get time with me.

    Meh! It’s not like I’m going to be sitting around waiting for him to call – I’m so busy with my own life that it’s almost inconvenient when he does contact me because I can’t get my own stuff done! 😉

    Adam sounds like he’s in a terrible place right now emotionally. When guys get so down and “into” themselves like that, then it’s all about them. It’s definitely NOT a reflection of you. They don’t see that they’re hurting those closest to them. All that matters is how awful they’re feeling right now. He wouldn’t have called you before he left, because he was focused only on HIMSELF.

    None of this is about you – it’s totally about him. And it’s really up to you to decide if you’re prepared to hang out for someone who is in that space right now because nobody knows how long he’s going to be there….

    Hope that helps

  470.  #471Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 6:43 pm


    “I’m wondering if some of these guys aren’t being lazy they are thinking they are “giving” something by “being available” at our decision. As in…”I’m interested I’ll be available for you whenever you want…”

    I wonder this as well, SLV, which further adds confusion to how I “should” be or what I should do.

    Do I follow up with a phone call to confirm plans if I haven’t heard from him? That kinda feels icky to me, especially right away. Is it possible that I am leaning too far back and as such, it is interpreted as non-interest?

    Then the other part of me says… “Self, if “he” was really interested in getting to know you and see you, he would make it happen”

    So you see, I am stuck.

    And frustrated.

    And scared.

    ~Daria~ This is for you AND for me:

    I love my fear.
    I love my frustration.
    I love my feelings of not knowing what to do.

    I know that it will become clear for me.

    I love me!!!

  471.  #472DE on July 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm


    So sorry to hear that 🙁 U know, I ‘ve had guys do that to me these days as well…and i didn’t pick up the slack…by calling them, etc…however, i always had by “backup” plan…meeting with friends or planning on dating myself if he would not confirm our plans…

    I would usually get a date scheduled between 7 and 9 window…and after 9 i would have plans with friends…so, often times my evening would be awesome…sometimes double dates 😉

    Stay on u bridge…embrace u feelings…:)

    Warm hugs,

  472.  #473Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    @471: Lilybelle says:

    “Do I follow up with a phone call to confirm plans if I haven’t heard from him?”

    @472: DE says:
    “… i always had by “backup” plan…meeting with friends or planning on dating myself if he would not confirm our plans…”

    Is this what women are encouraging these days? Agreeing to plans and giving men the option, (up until when? several hours before?) to cancel the date if the men find something else to do/someone better? Doesn’t this kind of give men the cake and let them eat it too and spoil it for the rest of the women who expect men to make a date and show up?

    “OK, yes I’ll go out with you next Friday. I’ll expect you’ll be looking around for someone better but if you don’t find anyone better just give me a call two hours before TO CONFIRM and I’ll hop in the shower and then get all pretty for ya!”



  473.  #474Lilybelle on July 2, 2011 at 8:38 pm


    It’s maddening, isn’t it? At least it is for me lately.

    And this is exactly part of my dilemma.

    Why go through all the preliminary motions of connecting, getting to know one another, no matter how preliminary, only to show no amount of respect or integrity?

    I don’t get it…at all. So of course, I am turning inward to see if this is something that *I* am causing or if it is just this recent string of men…

  474.  #475Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    decided to give my guy back a taste of his own medicine with some game playing he does. feeling messages are getting tiring and aren’t delivering results. experimenting instead with just mirroring.

    however it is hard for me because guys take longer to process stuff and i want him to “get it” NOW.

    so i’ll just let off steam here instead of leaning forward too much.


  475.  #476Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    @474: Lilybelle says:
    “…I don’t get it…at all. So of course, I am turning inward to see if this is something that *I* am causing or if it is just this recent string of men…”

    I don’t wish to do anything to encourage this kind of behaviour so I’ll be thinking about it. It’s like a teeny little “girlfriend” problem. A woman doesn’t want to be a “girlfriend” and give a man her time exclusively while he “makes up his mind” yet she’s spent the previous ten months agreeing to him taking up her schedule with a date while he decides whether or not he’ll even show up.

    No way, Jose. There is something wrong here.


  476.  #477Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    slv, your last comment is exactly like what i am thinking about right now.

    he is acting all shady about whether he’ll actually follow through with the date he made, while still trying to keep me on the hook for it. so i’m going to act shady right back and make my own plans.

    it would feel much better if he’d communicate with me whether there’s a chance he won’t make it. instead he keeps me on the hook. probably cuz he knows i’m the type to say okay then, and make other plans.

  477.  #478Daria on July 2, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Rori recommends always having a plan B for a date.

    Cancellations and even no shows… Happen.

    So in order to not get down Our vibe, have a plan B and plan C!

    This somehow also keeps me, Daria from feeling lonely, and I’ve bern doing this tool for a month and having my life fill up with fun.

  478.  #479Brenda on July 2, 2011 at 9:42 pm


    RE: #450 – Rori Raye! She is in the LA area!

  479.  #480Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    @477: Dorothea says:
    “…he is acting all shady about whether he’ll actually follow through with the date he made…”

    What kind of things is he doing that are shady? If he asked to see you and made a plan and you said OK, what kind of shady thing is now happening?


  480.  #481Senior Lady Vibe on July 2, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    @478: Daria says:
    “…Rori recommends always having a plan B for a date.
    Cancellations and even no shows… Happen.,,,”

    Yes, I think that’s a very good idea. Things happen.

    But I also don’t want to pretend that my degree of difficulty is so low that I don’t expect a man to show up or I don’t expect him to decide until the day of the date whether he’ll keep the date or not.


  481.  #482Dorothea on July 2, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    wow at first he was upset about how i was mirroring him and gave me a long speech, so i had to point out it was a taste of his own medicine (i thought it was obvious but he didn’t get that until i pointed it out). he responds “i think you’re right.”
    never heard that one come out of his mouth so easily before lol.
    i feel happy about the results of this experiment