Blurtacious Women Don’t Have To Be Critical – A Study

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Here’s a note I got from Sarah with this link (let me know what you think):

“Rori- this article in Psychology Today made me nervous- (here it is again on a blog)- how would you work around something like this?

I own your tools, I’d just love to see a post about this issue if possible…. thank you!


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  1.  #1Calypso on August 2, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Yea! A new post!

  2.  #2Calypso on August 2, 2012 at 6:34 am

    I can see how this might be true. I have no problem expressing myself quickly and enjoy verbal sparring with my man if he is the same. If he can’t handle it, I see a withdrawl and that quickly makes him uninteresting to me. It makes me feel like I am picking on him, which I do not like the thought of.

    With GM, he and I both do this – quick verbal sparring. He is stronger then me tho and sometimes he takes it too far and I end up getting my feelings hurt for a minute, but then we are right back at it. It feels good to trust that component of a relationship. I’m happier when the man is equal to or stronger than me in this regard.

  3.  #3Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 7:00 am

    “This sends the relationship on a downward spiral. Indeed, this “women demand-man withdraw” communication pattern is frequent among precarious couples and is a key predictor of divorce. Another communication problem for those in precarious relationships is the lack of mutual constructive communication, which happens when couples discuss a problem, express their feelings, and negotiate without resorting to blaming or verbal aggression. There’s hardly any mutual constructive communication among precarious couples”.

    I see this intertwined with Rori’s what kind of intensity are you and emotional flooding. The key for me is finding some kind of balance and using my intuition to know when the other person is flooded respectfully allowing the other person to disengage to take care of themself if they need to. This I learned from interacting with a man I consider evolved.

  4.  #4bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 8:31 am

    hmmmm blirting ? lol… i like larry david : )

    i’m now totally in love with missy elliot. imagining ….. listen up, everyone ! we have just been informed that there’s an unknown virus that’s attacking all clubs. symptoms have been reported to be heavy breathing, wild dancing, coughing… so when you hear this sound: HOO DE HOOOOOO — RUN FOR COVER !

    omg i love her so much.

    this ? slide:

    My twinkies looks stanky on the Benz
    And don’t I gotta look sweet for my men’s
    I make em think I got a whole bunch of paper
    And even date a ball player from the Lakers
    Now faker taker maker holla at ya later
    Shake and wake up tell ’em what to get my xss from Jacobs
    That’s the way a real diva like to floss it
    Buy a car, no matter what it cost us
    Of course it’s my Rolls Royce’s made ’em nauseous
    Tell you who the mxtherfxckin’ boss is
    I’m drivin’, you walkin’, that’s why you talkin’
    See the chrome spinning on the wheels, stop jockin’
    I’ma let you know real nice and slow
    I’d be broke as a joke If I had to be your ho – so poor!
    Missy on the rise like the Sun if you think
    That I’m done, I ain’t even begun


    Bo bo boom, bo bo boom, bo bo boom, bo bo boom Don’t it sound so fantastic?
    My Lamborghini disappear like Houdini
    Two-twenty, can’t see me – in a bottle like a Genie Teenie, Weenie
    Now hate me like you hate to eat your Wheaties
    Well here’s a freebie: I’ma let you see me on TV Acceptin’ my Emmy or a Grammy in Miami
    I hit you with the one-two-whammie
    Your no tooth granny with a hole in her panties

    And I don’t give a shxt if you can’t stand me
    ’cause I is what I is, and what I am is like my Mammy
    And I don’t mean to sound to petty
    But they used to call me “fatty”
    Till I got with Puff Daddy

    mmmmm i love missy elliot !

  5.  #5Starla on August 2, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Wow, WarriorCD has asked me out on a third date before we have even had our second (which is sunday night). He wants to take me to the county fair:):) fun! maybe i can finally wear those d*mn boots. They’re mexican cowgirl boots, haha i hope they embarrass him as a ‘sophisticated’ mexican himself.

  6.  #6Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I was processing some of my emotions today regarding how much anger I feel towards my neighbour. I think basically one of the things is that he seems super, super in control. He talks about his life like he is always going somewhere, doing things etc, and I feel quite small when I talk to him. Basically, I have been wondering where all of this comes from inside me to feel so triggered and so jealous and whether it would help me to delve a bit deeper. 
    One of the things that came to mind was how much this guy reminds me of my brother. So I have decided to analyse my relationship with him in order to help me maybe deal with the feeling of inferiorority.
    Firstly, my brother is 3 years younger than me, when we would physically fight as children he was always much stronger than me and I think I developed a real inferiorority complex towards him, and possibly all men. He was always better at everything than me and was a sort of golden boy. He is tall and good looking, whereas I am short and pear-shaped and not much to look at all. He was good at school and became Head boy. He always had lots of friends and girlfriends. He went to university and did really well and got married and now has a lovely house and children and is one of those people who is really, really sorted in his life. He is a really nice person but I feel soooo unbelieveably jealous of him. Like for everything that goes ‘right’ for him, something goes ‘wrong’ for me.
    I have never had what he has, and wil never even come close to it and that makes me so sad. I feel so inferior. I just think I have a huge chip on my shoulder about it, and more or less feel like I am an embarrasment to my family. (My mum has more of less said this and has told me she’s devasted that I’ve never married. Lol, I’ve never had a boyfriend!!) Geee’s what’s wrong with me? Am I too desperate for this?? Why am I so desperate? Does my desperation put people off?? It is a constant pattern with me…

    I feel raging emotion… I just feel such a lack of control or power in my life… I feel so angry, unable to let go… I feel tightness and stiffness in my back.. I feel rigid… I want to feel relaxed and healthy… I want to feel proud and confident…

  7.  #7Annie on August 2, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Memulo What is your boundary?

    Is it that you don’t want to date men who are actively still seeking other women on dating sites etc if they want to date you?

    Then he gets the freedom of choice to date you or date lots of women his choice.

    Is that your boundary?
    Is that what you want?
    Will you walk if he chooses to still do this?

  8.  #8turquoise on August 2, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Hi Sirens! I had my girls night in last night, 8 guests including my mother, and we had the best time. 🙂 The psychic ws fantastic. She gave me a lot of insight and my sister that passed away came through crystal clear…. it felt good to “hear” her. She told me to get into feng shui (sp?) and for my home to have an energetic flow. She also said that C should be at our daughters birthday party, and that came through in such a unique way, to say she we should have a carousel… the psychic laughed because who rents that? and I told her that it wasn’t an actual one, it was our thing, he proposed to me on one, we always ride it, I love them. My sister gave 2 thumbs up for him being there. So that was really interesting. My cards came up very insightfully, and she said out loud… is Mr. Conversation the relationship she wants…. she told me to be patient, he wants to build, wants me in his life, but that he has so much chaos in his life…. not happening right now. Which I know. She also told me to date multiple people, not wait for him. Which, I’m also doing. 🙂

    My candy business will take off in a 10 month time period, which I felt like saying 10 MONTHS!!!! I’m so impatient… that came up over and over for me. It was really interesting!

    She told me the next two weeks would be a very good time with Mr. Conversation, so we’ll see what happens. Stopping after work to work on my webiste today, but I can’t stay long because I have a dinner date with Tom. 🙂

    Hope everyone is well!

  9.  #9turquoise on August 2, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Oh, and she told me I need to work on my self esteem and set boundaries and make right choices. 🙂

  10.  #10Starla on August 2, 2012 at 9:05 am

    yay turquoise!

  11.  #11Annie on August 2, 2012 at 9:07 am

    This is/was me definitely Blirtilicious especially when tired or stressed overwhelmed.

    And yes the men I attract/attracted ended up withdrawing as my thought process and verbal reasoning was/is quicker.

    They all love/ loved this about me unless they are on the receiving end of it.

    It feels difficult to slow down and catch myself before I do this and go into reactive habit.
    Especially when feeling tired or grrrrrr angry about something.

    I did it earlier 🙁 was a mistake and now have to pick myself up and deal with it another way tomorrow.
    Oh Joy!
    If anyone has any tips on how to keep my cool for tomorrow I feel more than open to hearing them.

    My problem is that the person I have to see and deal with another women has rattled my cage and me hers.
    Bloody hell I just want a happy resolution and to do what is my best higher interest.

    I so wish I didn’t have to deal with this, it feel like crap.
    I just want it to go away and feel happy calm and peaceful again.

    I feel all agitated and unsettled in my tummy.
    I want it to be calm.

  12.  #12bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 9:10 am

    rebecca, you’re OK : ) i’m feeling a little giggly reading your post……. idk why……. but i think we’ve all “been there”…. is there a time you can think of that you felt really great ? a vacation or something that you can “travel to” in your mind ? things/activities/smells/people that make you happy ? i’m trying to do this too : )) i’ve got a garden full of fairies : )))))) yummy

  13.  #13Cinnabar on August 2, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Hello all. I’m new here and only just downloaded the ebook. I’ve been reading through a lot of the postings and really feel that I can get the help I need here.

    Just wanted to “introduce” myself. By the way, I see a lot of people using “CD” in their postings. Sorry to be such a newbie…but what is a CD?

    Thanks! Look forward to being here!

  14.  #14ruth on August 2, 2012 at 9:28 am

    hello again
    So much to catch up on-again!

    Rebecca-you do seem a little bit desperate and well, a bit —–rushed.Can you find a way to slow yourself down a bit.There is all the time in the world to let a good man come to you, build a career etc, etc.Im guessing you are a LOT younger than me.
    If you could find a way to relax and feel NICE.
    Dont know what that would look like for you, for me its a good book, or Yoga or running(or sex, but thats not an option for me)
    Radlove-no you are *not* a horrible person.If you believed that, then I bet you would be running wasy from R, not walking

    I coildnt help taking the blirt test and was a little surprised to score 15. I was sure I was a big blirter!!

    Lynda,if i havent as yet quite got the cojones to wear new slippers, I can sure as H%ll wear new sexy underwear! Going to do that tomorrow

  15.  #15ruth on August 2, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Sounds like a great night Turquoise:)

    Right, I guesss i had better bite the bullet and phone my Father

  16.  #16Mel on August 2, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Hmmmm….. I feel like a pouty-face today. I love my pouty face. My lunch date was post-poned and I really wanted to go. Sometimes it amazes me how the feeling of disappointment causes an instant hmph! whiney little sadness to emerge. I feel a little childish for feeling pouty. Like I should be all sympathetic and understanding and flexible… and i am all of those things…. But I am also feeling a little pouty and disappointed. That’s okay… because I can take myself out on a lunch date and get a sorbet and bask in the sunshine. And save my pouty face for another day.

  17.  #17April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 9:46 am

    I didn’t read the whole article, but it brought to mind one of the energetic factors of compatibility described by Matchmatrix.

    Matchmatrix has discovered two categories of mental speed which they call ‘activity level’ – superfast, and moderate. Superfast people like to (or could) finish slower people’s sentences for them. They make decisions faster than the moderate type person.

    ‘Blirting’ could well have something to do with this.

    One thing I like to remember is the Vedic concept that men take twenty minutes or more to process a question or new idea. It really helps me to remember that. Otherwise I could get impatient or upset with him for not responding to me more quickly.

  18.  #18Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I scored a 25, which is right in the middle of being a moderate blirter.

    That makes me feel really happy.
    It feels really important to me to speak my heart and mind to other people on issues that feel important to me.
    It also feels important to wait before speaking, to listen, and to think before speaking.

    I feel good about myself being in the middle.
    but now I feel guilty I might sound arrogant.

    Now, I feel annoyed at myself for not giving myself permission to feel good!

    I give you permission to feel good!
    Be yourself!

    Now, I feel silly for talking to myself.

    But I love you, regardless.

  19.  #19Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 9:57 am

    This made me feel so happy and bubbly and giggly and full of laughter:

    “If you find yourself in a precarious relationship, and the relationship isn’t working, get out. If it is magically going smoothly, then screw public opinion. Stay together and prove to people that such a relationship can work.”

    so funny…:)

  20.  #20Lady D on August 2, 2012 at 9:58 am


    I have a darlin pouty face too, it is okay to feel pouty.

    I scored a 13 on Blirtacious scale

    I agree about the study noticing folks distanced themselves from the ‘precarious’ couple.
    Seeing a man brow beaten by a nagging woman causes me to cringe and pray for his deliverance from h-ll. Man up!!! True the poor fellow loses all respect in my eyes if he allows himself to be abused by a blirtacious woman.

  21.  #21April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Hey Sirens,
    Can you help me out here? I can’t see it for myself.

    have I got symptoms of oxytocin poisoning!???

    I want to worship a man. I want to kiss him all over and massage him and cook for him.

    This just happened today!
    Before then I was happily soaking up his attention, foot-rubs, meals he cooked, driving me everywhere.

    I feel the urge to worship him. I feel so much love for him. i have checked myself for neediness but can’t find any! What’s going on?

  22.  #22Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I really want a man who will not feel threatened by my blirtatiousness, who is somewhere in the middle of being blirtatious himself.

    It’s so hot when a man can fight for what he believes in.

    It’s also hot when a man can shut up and listen and even admit that he doesn’t know, or that he might be wrong.

    The middle of this feels so good and so right…

  23.  #23Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:03 am

    @19 April Rose – God knows I’m no expert, but that sounds like love is supposed to feel to me. He has been serving you, and so you naturally want to serve him back. I feel like worship is a natural result of a deep spiritual love. I would embrace it if I were you, while absolutely still keeping the love you have for yourself.

    I have felt a worshipful love for God, and a worshipful love for a man.

    I do think my love for the man got out of control.

    but I don’t know how I would feel if we had been married?
    are those feelings safe in the context of marriage?

    I want to believe that…

  24.  #24ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Yep, sounds like the big L to me too

  25.  #25Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

    @19 April Rose – I feel jealous of you too. I miss feeling that worship-filled love. I haven’t felt it in a long time, and that makes me feel sad…

    I have to believe it’s still possible.
    Please let it still be possible!

  26.  #26Dominique on August 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Rebecca – From the last thread –

    Rebecca – How do you know that any of those things you THINK others think and/or feel about you are true? What would life feel like if they weren’t true, simply things you have made up or imagined? Are these really things you think about yourself? Are you projecting? Maybe these people are mirrors for you. Maybe they are bringing you messages for healing.

    It’s not easy changing thought patterns and behavior patterns. But you are here, and this is a wonderful step.

    Try telling yourself nice things even if you don’t really believe them. Do it anyway. When you bathe/shower, lavish loving attention on your skin, your body part. Take some extra time to FEEL the soap on your skin, your hands on yourself, the rich ebullience of your body cream/face cream. Take some extra time with your make up, your outfit. Do any of these make you feel pretty, sensuous? If not find outfits and make styles which do.

    Smile at EVERYONE you encounter while out and about. MEAN it. Allow it to come from your heart. Every time you pass a store window or a mirror, STOP and smile at yourself just as warmly. If no one is around blow yourself a kiss. Kiss the mirror directly even.

    Try doing this ALL the time. See if this doesn’t start to shift your energy.


  27.  #27Radlove on August 2, 2012 at 10:12 am


    13 – Thanks.

  28.  #28April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Your words made me feel thrilled.
    This has not happened to me before.
    I believe it has come about by my diligent practice of strong surrender.

  29.  #29April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Really? I feel like squealing!!!
    The big L. Happening to me?

    Thank you

  30.  #30Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:22 am

    @26 April Rose – that makes me feel so happy for you. Cherish it. Don’t take it for granted. It is a precious, priceless gift. ((((April Rose))))

  31.  #31Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:23 am

    I feel so sad and teary and mournful now, remembering Love.

    So scared I won’t find it again.

    I have to believe.

    God, help my unbelief!

  32.  #32ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:23 am

    April Rose

    that makes me feel all warm(oh yes an a bit jealous too)

  33.  #33April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 10:24 am


    Have you any tips about how to talk to a man who feels nervous about his sexual urges and is keeping them back, and seems afraid to express them?

    I am just beginning to explore sex with my new man, and I have seen glimpses of his desire to be dominant/controlling. I feel a thrill, but also some fear because I have never engaged in any serious S&M play before.

    I’m trying to think of a simple way to bring it up.

  34.  #34ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Lama butterfly, of course you will feel love again

    I know you will

  35.  #35Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

    I just don’t know what I did wrong, except get really scared and not know what to do, and afraid of my feelings.

    oh, I miss Love so much.
    oh, it feels agognizing.
    feeling memories.
    feeling Him.
    missing Him.

  36.  #36April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 10:28 am


    I found it precisely because I was (in your words)
    “.. absolutely still keeping the love you have for yourself”
    In fact, by doubly increasing the love I have for myself each and every day.

    Even a simple love bath (saying words of love and visualisating love pouring all over me) does wonders.
    Mostly though, forgiveness.

    I forgive myself.

  37.  #37Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

    agonizing. I need to correct my spelling. I need to laugh. I need to feel okay with this.

  38.  #38ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Know what you mean lama butterfly


    But we have to keep trusting and belieivng and hoping , dont we?

    It is difficult at times

  39.  #39Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

    how did I lose Love?
    Lack of faith.

  40.  #40Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I never want to lose Love again!

  41.  #41ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

    34 April Rose
    I am sitting here weeping helplessly reading that
    How odd
    I supose i should try to identify what i am feeling

  42.  #42Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

    i had never felt so close to God in my life, and I had never felt so close to a man in my life. It was like, the closer we grew to God, the closer we grew to each other. and it was beautiful.

    He used to speak my thoughts for me. He would say exactly what I wanted to say before I had even thought the full sentence out.

    this feels so painful and sacred to talk about.

    oh my God, I miss him. and I miss God.

    and I want to get it all back.
    him back. and Him back. and me back.

    oh my God oh my God oh my God!

  43.  #43Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

    I feel such deep sadness.
    It’s such a well.
    It feels like deep dark water and its cold.

  44.  #44Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

    April Rose, I also feel so hopeful that it hasn’t happened to you before until now.

    Makes me feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe, it can happen for me again.

  45.  #45Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I’m sitting here balling.
    oh, blissful feeling creature.

  46.  #46ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:42 am


    I dont feel sad
    I feel curious
    I feel disbelief that it could be so easy to heal
    I feel a bit exhilarated
    And i feel scared

    More tears

    How weird

  47.  #47ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I feel———-a release
    Thats what the tears are

    Its a bit like what used to happen in Yoga
    Now i feel weird

  48.  #48ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I feel as though there is a huge beach ball right in my chest and i cant breathe

    This feeling stuff is exhausting

  49.  #49Tam on August 2, 2012 at 10:47 am


    I might have something interesting here.
    I just posted on my fb that I am a believer in love, but not necessarily romantic love. I do, however, believe in the love of friendship very much.
    I got so many responses…from men. In the end there were two almost arguing. One was saying that ‘love at first sight is possible and he has on occasion fallen for someone within minutes, thinking he could spend his life with her’.
    I said that I never had love at first sight and don’t believe in it as I believe a lot of that is chemical-based as on a first date you simply don’t know the person.
    Then another guy pipes up saying that yes, love at first sight is just chemicals and how it takes at least 6 months for anything ‘real’ to develop, even though one can be attracted to many people – but this is not ‘love’. Then I had a convo with this guy on fb, it was lovely (he has a gf)…he was saying all those things that resonate with me, like it’s not about the sex and so on and so forth, that men can love without sex and have sex without love and all this kinda stuff…very cool.
    In the end I said that perhaps I don’t believe in romantic love anymore because I have been a bit worn down and feel hopeless that it will happen and be mutual. And he was soo sweet and said that he is sure it will happen for me, and of course it will be mutual , and that there is ‘one’ out there for me and I will know him when we meet and he will know me.
    it made me feel so hopeful to hear this rom a man for a change. A real and good and realistic man, one who looks past all the superficial and the chemicals and all that.
    He even said that when he was dating, he tried not to sleep with women for as long as possible because he had become aware that all his dates were short lived when he took it to the bedroom too quick, he or she lost interest and there was no ‘friendship’ built or compatibility test by way of doing things together other than sex.
    There’s a man saying that ‘sex is great but it clouds judgement’ and he deliberately held back – and found the woman of his dreams who had the same attitude.
    All this lifted my spirits today, and they really needed lifting.
    Maybe that story can lift some of your spirits too, Ladies. There are good men over the age of 35 out there..yes, there are. I found it hard to believe also.

  50.  #50ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

    aw, tam, that feels nice to read

  51.  #51April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 10:50 am


    I love your feelings. Even if you couldn’t tell me what they were, even if you didn’t try to.

    You are a deep-feeling delicious juicy woman.

  52.  #52Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Ruth, I love your feelings too. They’re beautiful.

    and thanks for your thoughts, @Tam47. I love romantic men, too!

  53.  #53Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I feel so hopeful remembering that when I was deeply in love with him, it was seriously like all other men were invisible. Which is remarkable, because I LOVE men, and find MANY men attractive.

    but I loved him so much, other men truly were invisible to me.

    I was so deliciously blind.

    I can’t wait to find a man who is deliciously blind to other women like that.

    Love is blind.
    Who needs to see, when you can feel?

  54.  #54ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Thank you April Rose

    This feels weird
    Its like a huge lava of feeling pouring out of me and I cant control it and i feel scared and powerless

  55.  #55Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 11:02 am


  56.  #56April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I’m feeling delighted that you feel so much. It sounds so very healing

  57.  #57April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

    @37 Iamabutterfly,

    “How did I lose Love”

    Love is never lost. It is inside you, masquerading as all your other feelings

  58.  #58R.N.AmazingMe on August 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

    You know, That is it the best feeling in the world. I had it one time only. All else was lust and just attraction but Love. When every other man in the world could be attractive but never compare to him. Not as sexy, smart, amazing, safe, trustful, and I could go on. To have that returned and to know it and feel it returned. That is the best feeling, that is real love to me. Yeah it is scary too..

  59.  #59ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Yes well, that was slightly unexpected
    I am sure it needed to come out but now I have to run with a totally blocked nose
    I could go and do some Yoga back bends now and that would really cause some fall out
    Sorry, im being flippant cos i am feeling very scared by this and I dont want to feel all this right now

    I have to run

    I cant run and cry

  60.  #60Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 11:11 am

    RE 52 Ruth say YES!!!! That is your juicy power.

  61.  #61Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:12 am

    And on the subject of love..can we love again and again?

    I am one of those people who doesn’t fall easily and when I do, I fall hard and it lasts..a long time.
    It happens once every 10 years or so.
    Ok, I can ‘like’ someone very much. I can also have relationships with guys I like very much and kind of love. I can say ‘I love you’ but deep down know it might not be forever and it does not feel like forever.

    But that real deep connection and understanding and the friendship and mutual respect, like you would rather hurt yourself than the other person…like you can love them even when you are not with them, and you can love them so much that you want the best for them, even if it is not necessarily you….
    That deep connection and the feeling to have arrived ‘home’ when with that person, no matter where we are, could be in the desert – I felt only twice, once a long time ago (and I had a beautiful 5 years relationship with this man but we were too young and adventurous to turn it into marriage), and again now – well that started 2 years ago and I am still very much in love and you all know the story, it’s not happening basically. I gave up on that and surrendered.

    And I am 36 years old. I feel pretty scared that it won’t happen to me again for a long time….I know that I should not think like that, but I have been dating myself silly in the last, well about 5 years, and yes, there were nice men, yes there were little affairs, but only one I clicked with, felt safe with, protected and being able to be myself.
    Only one that was an intellectual and fitting sparring partner for endless discussions which i so like, who would have a fiery debate with me – and yet praise me to high heaven for being able to hold those discussions. Who would praise me to his friends for my intelligence and my way with language. Whose friends knew so much about me because he had told them.
    There was only one who would push people out of the way so he could stand next to me. One who would whisper to his friend ‘look at that body of hers’ not being aware that I heard it. One who really made me feel like a queen when we did stuff together, not fancy restaurants but rough and tumble outdoors stuff which we both liked. One who taught me so many new things, who always encouraged me to look behind things and stimulated me to think for myself. One who took me seriously and was so interested in me that he asked me question after question after question.
    One who opened up and told me about his issues and bad childhood, so that I felt safe to speak about mine.
    One who was everything, a big brother, a teacher, a friend, a lover, an advisor and a shoulder to lean on.

    Oh well. Whatever it is I feel or felt, the fact is he is not feeling the same way or we would be together now, so have I been imagining it all? Maybe.

    Perhaps I need a time out from dating, well I haven’t done much anyway but it’s wearing me down and wearing me out. I just feel hopeless of ever finding that again, and perhaps I won’t because I never even knew it before. Ever. In 36 years. Yes, my long relationship with my other love was great, but even there the connection was not so deep.
    I have never known anybody like that before.
    And there are a lot of dark sides to him too, of course. Some of them not easy to take. Oh yes.

    All water under the bridge. When my man arrives it will be mutual, and not feel like I need to hang onto him. He will want to hang onto me. I am telling that myself.

  62.  #62ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:14 am

    FW Not sure about” juicy power”

    It feels paralysing

    I cant function

    No wonder I stuff this down

    I cant even identify the feelings!

  63.  #63Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

    Ruth, it is a sign something is shifting..

    BTW, I ran and started to cry felt liberating, but yeah, didn’t make for a very good run – that’s for sure 😉

  64.  #64Rori Raye on August 2, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Cinnabar – Welcome! CD is Circular Dating – one of my core Tools…lots of stuff on it here…Love, Rori

  65.  #65ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Tam, I dont know the answer
    But i do believe that we can form deep connections with more than one person, maybe even at the same time
    Actually, im starting to wonder now if i have ever been truly in love

    Ive ben infatuated, obsessed
    I have felt a dep senser of comfort and friendship with a man
    Maybe thats what love is
    I dont know

    it isnt relevant to me anyway
    All I actually want to do is to find peace within myself

    th rest is a bonus, but not essential

    Just want some peace and love for myself

  66.  #66Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Yes, I will find it again. I will find something/someone even better. I will, I must, it is the law.
    Even if I don’t believe it right now, my view will change and it will happen.

  67.  #67ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Well, I wish it would hrry up and shift then LOL

    I *knew* I should have dragged myself out for a run this morning

  68.  #68Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Thank you Ruth, the peace and love within myself is a little path that I am trying to walk on also, just sometimes I venture off it again, in the last couple of days I got a little lost – maybe hormones, not sure.

    Yes, loving myself – that should be my first love, and it is really, otherwise I’d chase him down and he would respond but I don’t want that anymore.
    I want to heal and start fresh and let go.

  69.  #69Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I am also wondering if I have ever been truly in love, but I believe so. Who’s to say? Hm. Interesting.

  70.  #70ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Im not sure i even want a mans love
    I really miss sex

    But peace for me would feel so good
    And i think it would probbaly be enough for me

    I am tired of struggling and trying to hold things together
    I am tired of self abuse

    I want to rest

  71.  #71Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Tam I know Rori talks about the law of how things are (or something to that effect). So yeah, keep believe. I am with you on this.

  72.  #72ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Love…every relationship I was in up until 2007, I thought I was in love and fairly fast. However, I wasn’t, but possibly one. I think I wanted to be in love and to be loved so bad, that anything that took interest in me was “the one”. I wanted a husband and babies. I didn’t have much confidence at all that I was good enough for someone to fall in love with, so I would jump at any nice gesture, and it didn’t matter all the not so nice gestures in between.

    I feel bad thinking back at how I accepted anything less than good treatment. I have really changed and grown since then. I took 3 years to myself and I feel that was a really smart thing for me to do. I did a lot of self-discovery and I took some great steps up. I still have a lot to work on, but I am in a much better place.

    I still would like a husband and babies, but it is no longer what is driving me. It feels nice to not be holding myself down with that burden of what needs to happen. It feels so much more relaxing and authentic to let things be and what will be will be.

  73.  #73ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Not quite sure where the fck all *that* came from

    I feel relieved now

    Hope that is all of it for tonight

    It feels exhausting

  74.  #74Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Ruth I feel you. I also feel the same things. With the affirmations I am surrendering to What is. I wrote them in my phone and say them while travelling on the train. I am slowly believe all of them and surrendering. I intend to set myself free.

  75.  #75Daria on August 2, 2012 at 11:36 am


    And yes, it is oxytocin

    And it does feel so easy and fantastic as my heart just bleeds love.

    But it chemistry, in that as I take a look at my posture, I find I’m leaning in, as I take a look at my focus, it’s on him, as I take a look at the pedestal, it’s Him on it.

    I experienced this last nite again with more self awareness when I ran into Getright man

    That feeling feels like wavy sheets of velvety cotton candy around me

    It felt good to notice and still feel that and lean back still

    It’s a glimpse of my love for me I can have that all the time for me

  76.  #76Healing Waterfall on August 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Hi everyone,
    I am feeling totally overwhelmed, finally I have some free time, my son is at sleepover camp and I am desperately trying to get midterm grades down for the two accelerated summer courses I am teaching and trying to make my vitamin D while I can……sunshine!

    Turquoise, I felt so happy to read your post and I did not really read through the rest of the posts, but I stopped to see what is up with you and sounds so good.

    I do have a news flash and the sirens that know me will know the story and that my crush has ended it with his gf! So I am staying cool and warm and open and smiling and staying active with my life and leaning back as much as humanly possible…..
    wow this is because of that psychic i talked to….

    well, i hope to more thoroughly catch up on the blog and all my grading and getting enough sun to make up enough vit d to last through the fall at least and swim in the lake….ahh, summer, i love it

    and i love all of you and thanks for being here on this blog and i will definitely be checking back in tonight to break up the tedium from grading papers…..


  77.  #77ruth on August 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

    74 FW

    thank you

  78.  #78Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Healing Waterfall please please please circular date. Don’t make him the center of your world.

  79.  #79Daria on August 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

    I feel shaky

    I feel guilty

    I feel afraid

    I feel vulnerable being in the position to share my truth that looks different from several others’ opinions or beliefs or experiences or feelings

    This feels scary and sad

    I feel like this 🙁

    On my face

    I want to heal this

    I am a full adult and im feeling smily

  80.  #80Healing Waterfall on August 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

    You are the best…..

    I promise you and and this blog that I am cding right now and I am dating two other men now. They both travel for work so I don’t seem them every week, but they are both nice and take me out to dinner and like me and so I am really enjoying them…….so I have been CDing and I am still talking with other men on the dating sites and trying to drum up some dates there….

    it is just exciting that he actually went and did it and now there is another possibility to add a man to my rotation….

    you are so sweet FW you are taking care of me and watching out for me, thank-you, thank-you, I am CDing….

  81.  #81Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Turquoise it feels good to read your comments.

  82.  #82Dominique on August 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    April Rose – #33 – “I have a couple of fantasies (if you do). May I share them with you. It would feel fun to try this.” Then ask him, “What about you; Is there anything you want to share with me?”

    If you don’t have any fantasies or feel shy to go first, try this. “I feel curious about exploring. I’m not sure what though. Can you help me with this? Is there anything you would like to explore?”



  83.  #83Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    @79 Daria – I always feel a little guilty and scared sharing what I believe is truth. I honestly don’t go out with the intention of doing it, it just flows out of me with all my feelings.

    This is a safe place, where you are free to feel.


  84.  #84bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    ((((Healing Waterfall)))) sounds exciting : ) i feel happy to hear that you are having fun dating : )))

  85.  #85Dominique on August 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Healing Waterfall – This warms my heart to hear….


  86.  #86Healing Waterfall on August 2, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Hi bloom-ing
    nice to meet you. yes, cding is so fun. even actually the not so good dates, it really teaches me about what i want to change….

    FW you are right again…..i probably am getting ahead of myself….

    it probably would be good to review cding principles

    one of them is i am sure

    treat them all equally

    go out with anyone who asks you, unless they scare you

    lean back

    know your boundaries

    respect your feelings

    be surprised

    express your feelings using fm’s

    smile at everyone you see

    have a great time being yourself

    be radiant and glowing

    is there anything else?


  87.  #87ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Mr. Observant and I had a nice conversation last night about what we were thinking when we began this relationship.

    I remember being so nervous about warding off any of his physical advances because I didn’t want to have things happen too fast. I was completely holding back. It has been my experience that ALL men try right away. Mr. Observant was the first man who didn’t try to get in my pants day 1.

    I asked him if he could sense I was holding back. He said, yes, but he had no intention or expectation of anything happening. He really just wanted to be close to me and hold me. He hadn’t experienced closeness in a long time and he was extremely nervous, didn’t know how to act or be because I was the first gal he went out with since being married for so long.

    He said he was never about one night stands, dating multiple gals at the same time, etc. He likes to focus on one gal and feel good with her.

    I found this so refreshing to hear.

  88.  #88Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    @80 Healing Waterfall – you are cute! 🙂

  89.  #89Healing Waterfall on August 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Receiving Girl

    Mr Observant sounds like a really nice guy to be close to 🙂

  90.  #90bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    OMG i feel so happy… i friend-ed our former ceo on a social site & he wrote back that he doesn’t use it, but inviting me to email him any time & giving me an update on his life…… & a co-worker was out speaking french in the court & i started talking to him today in french & he sent me an email saying we can chat so i can learn : ))))) HOORAH & my friend & i are going to start making billions of dollars / second LOL i love my imagination : )))))

    yum my imagination….. in my fairy garden…… i’m adding a golden woven covering to shelter me……

    i went outside yesterday & back to my special place i found…. found a rock that’s shaped just like my “dream house” so i put it on the big table rock & realized that i was surrounded by yellow flowers, so i put a couple blossoms by it…. then i saw a really good purple crystal & then a white heart-shaped one. & i built a little mountain range to the side too : ) so my dream life is all “built” for me in my secret hide-out : ) & also i noticed that the colors of the flowers are my favorite combination (yellows & purples)….. don’t know how i missed that ! i knew it. i’m already in heaven : )

  91.  #91ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Hi HW…sound like you are doing great! 🙂

    Treat as equals seems difficult to me as they are all different, with different things we will like or not like.

  92.  #92Radlove on August 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm


    42 – That’s beautiful!

  93.  #93ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    @ HW, yes, he is. I like him tons. 🙂

  94.  #94ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Blooming – I love reading your posts. They are so light and playful. 🙂

  95.  #95bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    ok i’m going back into my dream world so that i can find the things that really i love. i love thunder & pounding rain. i totally “dig” it : ) i love water. i love to swim. i love to jump into cold water. i love feeling scared of the dark water. i love the sound of water. i love to drink water & eat fresh, interesting food. i love to see food growing & i love to tend to growing plants. i don’t like to get dirt under my fingernails. or clay. i like having long fingernails for pulling threads or choosing materials or scraping paint…

    i felt sad this morning because i felt like cd was not totally “open” or “available” this morning, but i gave myself permission to not care : ) lol why should i care about his moods ? & if he starts being like that “always” i can share a few things & leave if i like. that’s how i’m choosing to view it & I feel happy & good & not-judging him : ))) but secretly i bet he’ll be so super sweet when i get home because he’s had a chance to feel all his stress, deal with it without “dealing with” me lol…. & now he’ll be all helpful & fix-it for me ! that’s what i hope : ) that sounds lovely : ))) thank you

    ooh feel icky again trying to “work things out” in my brain…. logistical things…. i’m just giving up on that & not worrying about it because i feel sure sure sure that the universe opens up just how it chooses & just in alignment with energy & i’m putting my energy out there to be bent in whichever way the universe sees fit to lead me to my best goals & best life : ) yes i do believe that & it feels juicy & calming, like smooth fat ocean waves at noon under sunshine

  96.  #96Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Yayy HW. I feel so pleased and happy for you. If he considers you seriously I believe it will be easier to establish boundaries around him not dating other women as you respected his previous relationship

  97.  #97bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    energy, meet universe. go

  98.  #98bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    thanks, ReceivingGirl! I like reading your posts too : ) mr. observant sounds a lot like cd : )

  99.  #99Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Wow Daria. Talk about awareness. Thanks for sharing about Getright.

  100.  #100bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    i have ideas… i have names…. i have plans…. all swirling around me……. & i have zero intention of forcing myself to choose the path. surrounding myself with… feeling aware of…. all the possibilities…. is enough : ) i am enough – i do enough

    i have dreams, i have feelings, i have fears, i have angers…. here i am : fully human : ) MAGICAL

  101.  #101ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    @95 I laughed at this…I really don’t like jumping into cold water! 🙂 I tippy toe in slowly…it’s probably easier to just jump in.

  102.  #102bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    “By photographing water crystals at freezing temperatures, Dr. Emoto showed that words such as “love” and “gratitude” formed beautiful crystals while words such as “hate” or “stupid” produced unattractive crystals. The very structure of the water molecules changed based on positive or negative energetic influences. Given that our bodies are made up primarily of water, we now understand what it means to transform ourselves from the inside out.”

  103.  #103ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    @98 Blooming – cd sounds really nice too! 🙂

  104.  #104Mel on August 2, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    April Rose,

    I get this feeling sometimes. It’s usually when he’s been extra super good to me and my heart feels overflowing and full. And I find myself stroking his arm lovingly and I don’t even notice it until he says “I like that you pet me.” And I blush. It feels like love flowing from me… not forced but flowing like water.

  105.  #105Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    I really really need some help tonight.

    I am feeling in pieces.

    Today I got 2 lots of flowers from S.

    One lot delivered to my work, and then another lot left on my doorstep, along with texts that he is thinking about me.

    The last text was a picture of a beautiful lake, where he said he was sitting, thinking abou life.

    I text back (having just recieved the second lot of flowers, and said something like ‘thank you some much for the flowers. They made me feel smily and warm inside. Wow, that lake looks beautiful, where abouts are you?’

    To which there has been no reply, and that was over 2 hours ago.

    And it just makes me know… of course I don’t know, and I assume he is drinking, cus that is what would cause him not to reply.

    And it just feels so awful, like my heart soaring getting these flowers, and then totally crashing now not getting a reply…

    I just can’t take this up/down cycle.

    I have wanted to text him and just fly at him tonight…

    And I have topped myself.

    But I am thinking to tell him just to leave me alone.

    I can’t take this.

  106.  #106bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    omg i’m such a WEIRDO i just messaged someone on facebook that i don’t even know. oh well ! humanity happens : ) lol

  107.  #107ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    I feel drained at work today. This morning was extremely frustrating and now I’m feeling a bit lethargic. I have tons to do, but my brain isn’t quite working properly this afternoon and I find it hard to concentrate or anything really. It would feel good to take a nap. It’s also feeling like a Friday afternoon to me. One more day to go!!

  108.  #108Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Oh, I’m feeling horrid tonight.

    Hot tears streaming down face…

    I have just seen him comment on someone’s status on FB… so he is not passed out or enebriated or anything.

    I know I am being totally man crack junky here.

    I just don’t know how to take care of myself right now.

    I feel so exhausted, tired and worn down from work. I feel really on the edge and like I can’t take much more.

    He must be in the pub… that is why he doesn’t reply to me, or IM me on facebook.

    I know I am driving myself mad.

    I know this is silly.

    If I was out doing stuff I probably wouldn’t even notice.

    And from tomorrow I CAN pay some attention to my social life again.

    And to me.


  109.  #109ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    (((Dancing Siren)))

    I feel bad you are feeling bad. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug.

    2 lots of flowers…he misses you and wants you to know it. I don’t understand why then, he wouldn’t respond to your texts. I would not make any assumptions and leave it be. Continue on the path you were going down and focus on you.

    There could be a good reason why he didn’t respond. In either case, I’m sure he will respond at some point and you will feel clearer when he does.

    I’m sorry I don’t have any really great advice to give. Just love you!

  110.  #110Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm


    I DO do all those things! That is what is so weird about me. In real life, out in the outside world I’ma very happy, smiley person. Everyone likes me, and I’m the sort of person to get talking to someone at the supermarket checkout or in the post office. I smile and talk to everyone. That’s what’s so scary!!

    All this I feel is pain which is deep, deep inside. It does not relate to my everyday life at all.

    Also, I really do feel outside love is very important, and should not be underestimated. We need that boost from someone else and that is what I am lacking.

    I just can’t really understand why I am soooo unlucky in love. All my male and female friends constantly tell me how wonderful I am. They can really not understand it. I can NOT understand it. I mean it is truly shocking to me and possibly why I am in over drive emotionally… I can feel that. The panic and the desperation… But really the last 20 have been horrendous for me on the romance front. That is a LONG time to be without a special person, and its not for want of trying…

    So yes I do feel desperate, and in a lot of pain and it feels awful… I’m not angry at myself I just feel lonely, unbelievably lonely and desperate. It just seems to be like this one year after the next… Maybe I am doing somwthing really cruically wrong. I wish I knew…

  111.  #111ruth on August 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Oh Dancing Siren
    It will feel so much worse when you are tired too

    Take care of yourself
    Im hugging you here
    You have been so, so strong and brave

    keep your boundaries

  112.  #112bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    mmm ((((((((((Dancing Siren))))))))))) i love to have flowers around me…. sounds yummy…. he’s not around you, so you don’t have to worry what he’s doing or if he’s not responding to you….. what do YOU need ? what do you want ? what would make you feel playful & gentle with yourself ? yum i want to feel gentle & happy & at-peace & at-rest : )))

  113.  #113Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Ok the urge to contact is passing.

    But I still feel totally crappy.

    I wonder why he hasn’t replied to my text.

    I wonder why my life feels so rubbish.

    I feel like I have had enough at the moment.

  114.  #114ruth on August 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    But do you love yourself?

  115.  #115Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Dancing Siren it might be the T in HALT that’s generating some of those current feelings?

  116.  #116bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    rebecca, maybe it is good to think… “oh, look at all my male & female friends – they are raining into my ocean of love….” & the ocean is just you – you are pure love…. & the men come & rain down too…. & it’s so full & raucous & full of cresting waves & spray that you don’t even notice when the clouds drift out, drift in…. men come & go…. receive just love…. let the “rejection” float out…. all yummy until you feel full & someone will come & want to bathe you & bathe with you……. your friends are all telling you how amazing you are…… & you see how amazing other people are ? so … do you see how AMAZING you are??? i’m amazing because i wear & do & say what the Eff i please : ) go lk i’m proud of myself. that’s all though. not because i’m Smart or Pretty or something. just because I’m Me & i’m doing it boldly : ) i want to dress like a fairy & act like a monk & spend all my time with Beauty : ))) i want to sleep in the trees & have everything made of paper & gold : ) what does your paradise look like ?

  117.  #117bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    it’s starting….. i feel the rumble : )

  118.  #118Tam on August 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    I want to let go of this man, perhaps I will practice that tool a bit longer.
    Our common friend has brought a girl to his place also and they have all been boating and had a whale of a time and become fb mates. I just saw that spread on various walls….and he hasn’t been in contact with me. I know, I know, focus back on myself, but I feel angry. I feel angry that he is being fb friends with all these people and he hasn’t sent me a request (not that I want one, as I would rather not see what goes on there).
    I have been deluding myself obviously. Guess I took crumbs and pretended I had a big chocolate cake instead.
    I do feel angry that he’s just gone his merry ways again and has gone silent on me.
    The only solution to the roller coaster must be to just not answer him if he shows up again and I guess he will sooner or later.
    The bottom line is that he is just not that into me, and never was.
    Ambivalence central.
    I deserve more than that.
    I need to finally believe that I deserve a whole lot more than that.

  119.  #119Iamabutterfly on August 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm


  120.  #120ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm


  121.  #121Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    Thank You Sirens,

    Yes, I am feeling a bit better now.

    I got myself some dinner and had that, and sat with my Mum for a few minutes.

    And then he replied. Actually doesn’t sound drunk at all!

    FW – yes – definitely the ‘T’ in halt! 🙁

    Going to sleep soon.

    I can’ believe how easily I can still fall into the pits!

    I haven’t replied to him.

    I just feel tired.

    I kind of just feel like I want a break… I don’t want to think about it.

    Actually its weird, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, cus I love getting the flowers, and in a way when I got them I sorta felt annoyed.

    Cus I don’t need flowers, I need for him to get his asss to AA, or come up with some kind of solid plan for getting well.

    The flowers and other stuff all just seems like a distraction.

    But probably I am being impatient, and pushing my own agenda.

    The flowers ARE nice, and I DID feel nice getting them.

  122.  #122ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 1:54 pm


  123.  #123bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    just emailed another complete stranger : ) go lk

  124.  #124ruth on August 2, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Amen to that Tam

    (Ive just signed up for Nanowrimo in August.Oops.That will keep my mind off things though)

  125.  #125Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    If he would put all this energy into sorting out his recovery, all might be well.

    But anyway.

    I don’t know.

    Like I said.

    I am feeling VERY tired.

    The sugar doesn’t help.

    I have been using sugar heavily to get me through the day. and after class to stop my energy crashing, and it is having a big effect on my emotions I would say…

    More so than I realised it might.

    I really don’t intend to rely on sugar in the future if I can help it, and just this last week I have just kind of let it happen, as I just needed to find a way to get through….

    But this issue will be getting my full atention very soon, as it obviously isn’t doing me any favours!

  126.  #126ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    @121 Dancing Siren

    I can relate to feeling annoyed by receiving flowers…as in maybe they were given for the wrong reasons. That seems to be a theme for me.

    SheriffCD sent me flowers “for my birthday” to my work, but they were a week early. He only sent them because he was jealous I worked with my ex-bf and he was trying to have control over me and show my ex that I was spoken for.

    I didn’t feel the flowers were nice, I was put off by them and I said I should just put them on my ex’s desk because they were really for him. SheriffCD even admitted as much and without me even saying a word.

    Do you feel the flowers were sent for the wrong reasons? Do you feel he is clouding reality with this nice gesture? Sidestepping the real issue as to why you are requesting space?

  127.  #127ruth on August 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Dancing Siren
    I feel that you have been handling all this so, so well
    it would be odd if you didnt hve the odd wobbly moment
    This is huge stuff for you to be dealing with, and you *are *dealing with it

    You can sort out the food issues next week
    Right now you have to get through the waves of longing which will surely come and try to pull you back in

    But they will reced and you will be string on your shore
    Boundaries in place
    Ready and open and willing to receive what comes nxt for you

  128.  #128MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    I typed out a post earlier on my break and it got lost. So now i’m feeling frustrated, urgent and impatient. I feel like recreating it, but I think I will write it anew instead of trying to remember what I wrote.

    I awoke this morning feeling sad, tense and anxious. G was very cheerful and woke me up with kisses, and adorations. It felt wonderful for a moment until I was overtaken with anxiety and anger. I did not want those feelings on a beautiful morning with G kissing me and loving me. I felt more and more tension. My shower was cold and I couldn’t get the water to warm up. I cried. I was all up in my head. I couldn’t move my feelings down to my body so I could release them. So stuck. G hugged me in the kitchen over coffee. It felt warm and soothing. He apologized for waking me up so abruptly. I said “You don’t have to apologize. You were just cheerful, but thank you.”. My lay-off officially starts tomorrow. Working on-call is what I truely want with my back the way it is. I feel deep sorrow none the less. I will miss my patients. I love them.

    My paycheck was sooo small. I feel worried and scared. I have some EI coming to me but I don’t know when. Anxious. Apprehensive.

    (I already performed this exercise when I wrote the original post but I will do it again because the feelings are popping up anew)

    I breathe now. Deeply. I am in the place to move my negative feelings out of my head and into my body. They are outside of me now, and mingling with my positive energy.

    Breathe again. I feel…whole. (earlier I felt relaxed and spent funny how that changed this time round.)

    Yoga in a few minutes! Feeling happy.

    “The warrior” came on the radio on my drive home and it was just what I needed to feel energized. It’s one of my fave feel gooders. I sang out loud with my window and sunroof open. 2 men looked and laughed at me from their cars. I smiled at them and sang louder. They will think of me tonight hehe.

    “Shooting at the walls of heartache…BANG BANG! I am the warrior!”

    Feeling funny and smiley. 🙂 😀 I think I’ll youtube it and crank it again.

    Wishing all sirens a bright and beautiful day! Will finally read this article/comments after yoga. <3 to you all!

  129.  #129Mel on August 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    So I’ve been feeling a little meh since moving in this week. I’m not really sure what I was expecting to feel different. We have been spending most nights together for the past months. The only difference is that now I no longer have to pay rent on a place that I rarely stay at… But this all felt very anticlimactic. Nice, yes it felt nice… but sort of uneventful.

    And I was feeling a little sad about that yesterday. But then I thought about it for a little bit and started to appreciate the absence of eventfulness. Like maybe that’s a good thing… Maybe when it’s ‘right’ it just all feels normal and like it’s always been that way. And I don’t need there to be anything more. No expectations.

    And then I just sat there in my new house and felt the sun streaming in through the windows and saw my doggies lazing in the sunbeams too and felt the perfectness in that.

    When Mr A came home, he brought some take-out and we celebrated simply and happily. Then he pulled out a small box and said he wanted to mark the occasion. It was a beautiful and thoughtfully chosen pendant. He said “This is small, but I love you and wanted you to know how happy I am to have you here. Welcome.”

    I felt all teary and thanked him and said: “My heart feels full.”

    Thank-you universe for bringing me happy surprises when I let go and allow them to come to me.

  130.  #130Tam on August 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    what a sh** day. CD who poofed and wanted a ‘relationship’ with me before he left for a weekend, just got tagged in pics from a wedding on that weekend where he has official photos with his gf. So he had a gf all the time, and pretended he was single and wanted a relationship with me and she was a ‘female friend’. A female friend you feature with in your (close) family wedding pics, having her in your arms. That will be on file forever.
    This was a really nice ‘good guy’ – you would never have been able to tell.
    Nice. Well, I have my answer now as to why he poofed, you see, no leaning forward needed.

    Why do people have to lie and pretend and poof.

    I would never be like that and fool someone. I feel so deflated, like the nice people always finish last.

  131.  #131ruth on August 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Tam, that feels truly yucky

  132.  #132Tam on August 2, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Ruth, yea, I feel truly yucky today so that was the last straw for the poor camel. The stupid silly camel who trusts and loves and just gets crumbs and lies.

    So much for not beating myself up, I feel so angry and so stupid and like really kicking myself.

    Moving on. Back to self love, cause there’s nobody there, I mean of course back to self love. Always.

  133.  #133ruth on August 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Oh God tam

    have a hug from me

    Its sh**ty
    And sometimes it does all seem to come at once

    Yuck city central

    (You will now probbaly mgt a huge spot on your chin)

    No seriously, sometimes the universe does seem to have it in for us
    It is not easy

    this is when i do the one day, one hour, one minute at a time till i walk through the tunnel and feel a bit more, well, sanguine

  134.  #134ruth on August 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    oh FFS

    I CAN spell
    I just cant type

  135.  #135Tam on August 2, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    thank you ruth, I feel better after being hugged!

    I also have the typo prob, don’t ever run a spellcheck even, but on here all gets scrambled

  136.  #136ruth on August 2, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    I am glad you feel better

    Just bear in mind that YOU treat people properly, and be proud of that

  137.  #137Tam on August 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Thank you Ruth, had a little cry now better..think tears are not bad.
    Sleep now, can’t wait for this day to go away..
    night night xx

  138.  #138bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    hey, ladies, if anyone needs a new email address, Microsoft Outlook is offering a free email service that is getting good tech reviews & i got to choose my real name because it’s so new : ))) feels good, i feel “professional” & “real” : )

  139.  #139Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Blooming what are the names of the Missy Songs in 4 pls??

  140.  #140Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Aaaaawwwww Mel

  141.  #141Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Bloom-ing, Ruth

    Yeeess I really love myself. I think I am so great. I look in the mirror and think i look fanastic, I have a lovely smile, and my friends see it, and they think i a great.

    It is purely finding that elusive, certain somebody that actually want to ‘stay’ with me… My friends and family cannot understand it, i cannot understand it, nothing makes sense…

  142.  #142bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    dancing siren,

    it’s “pass that dxtch” & “slide”

    yum thanks for asking : ) i feel happy that i’m not just spamming sharing fun lyrics that make me feel Pumped Up : ))

    i also really really like “funky fresh dressed to impress” : )))))

    My attitude is bxtchy, ’cause my period is heavy
    I used to drive a Chevy, put 20s on that baby
    My nxgga was the shxt, but then that stxpid nxgga left me
    So now I’m lovin’ Larry, but Larry go with Terry
    & Terry is a freak, but it’s his baby she will carry
    The life he lives is fairy, cartoon like “Tom & Jerry”
    My flow is legendary & your style is temporary
    Yeah, you need to worry, like Jason, it gets scary
    The words that i spit don’t fit in a category

    (Ms. Jade)
    Had a little homie named Paul Revere
    Smxked blxnt after blxnt, guzzled 40s of beer
    He would swear up & down every 1st of the year
    He was gonna quit smxkin, but he never did

    Watch ya’ll huskey, it’s about that time
    Gettin ready for the club ’round quarter til nine
    Couple bottles of Hypnotic in the back of the ride
    Might spit like a girl, but i hit like a guy
    Me & Missy ballin’ up the avenue
    Funky fresh dressed to impress, we mackin dudes
    Music biz the only reason i ain’t jackin’ fools
    You know bullshit walk & stackin’ rules
    Niggas keeps drawin’, the streets keep callin’
    Drink til i’m nice & uh, uh-uh, on’n
    I’m bad luck, ya’ll mad ’cause ya’ll suck
    Please do not try to fxck with this young buck

    : )

  143.  #143Starla on August 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm


    i feel inspired to share my love of and views on magic with WarriorCD

    thank you, WarriorCD.


    your inspiration is much welcome

  144.  #144Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I actually think i rock!! And i am fun to be with… And i’m not gay !! I just really don’t get it. I meet men, and everything feels perfect, but it always goes wrong… Maybe i lean forward too much. I am afraid to lean back…

    Gosh, i’m really waffling…

  145.  #145ruth on August 2, 2012 at 3:22 pm


    Rebecca, sooy to say this but some of your other posts on here would say that you do NOT feel great about yourself

    I am sure you look gorgeous and that your friends are dead right about you but do YOU believe it

    I would have to delve back to illustrate what i mean , and its bedtime here but

    Maybe i will tomorrow

    but in your previous posts on here you dont seem to like yourself that much

  146.  #146Smile on August 2, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Im all alone in the hotel ready for the wedding in the morning. It makes me sad that strumming man should be lay next to me in this double bed but he didn’t even have the decency to reply to the invite 🙁

  147.  #147Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Thank You


  148.  #148ruth on August 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Ach, i feel silly
    maybe there are two rebeccas
    No way of telling on here

    Ive had a brief read back, and rebecca if that *is * the same one, had issues with organising herslf nd was exploring the self esteem issues.Also had a critical mum and felt she wasnt good enough
    Gah, too much analysis
    Bed time

  149.  #149bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    smile, i love staying in hotels alone ! that feels so special to me : )

  150.  #150ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    @128 MissStyx – hugs to you!

  151.  #151Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm


    No, you are right. I have a lot of self loathing too I guess. Maybe you are right.

    One minute i can be really, really happy and the life and soul of the party, but if a man rejects me i start hating myself dramatically and i quickly go into a downward spiral…

    In fact a very close friend pointed it out to me. She said the moment i start to like someone i start acting like a mad woman. She meant it in a nice way! She was trying to help me.

    I guess deep down i feel like the old song ‘will you love me tmw?’ i think that all the time, and then i start having a panic attack.

    Lol, i’m sure that sounds really dramatic… I’m just guessing really…

  152.  #152Miss Bells on August 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Good Afternoon Sirens!
    Well, HS is back on Match–and he is paying for it now. He is a serial monogamist–so he and OW must have “broken up”.
    He shut me out to go after her.
    Now he is clearly trying to date online.
    Not return to me–a matter of pride, I am sure.
    Last time he did all this stuff–last summer–I moved out very quickly and regretted it. And–we ended up together again until this latest dust-up.
    Online dating is much easier to overcome for me than one women who seemingly wants to do him.
    My plan–Keep doing my own thing, keep moving, keep it light, use FMs–and observe him as I make my own plans.
    What do you think?

  153.  #153bloom-ing on August 2, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    i’m feeling a bit “grumpy” & “off” yet it’s “time” for me to go home……… & ………. feeling unsure if that’s the best thing for me…… i better do something first……… i feel like “flying” somewhere – feel like getting a view, a vantage point……. maybe just my porch in the quiet with a book & a glass of wine……… human ? hello ? do you allow it ? squeezy feeling…….. ick mouth ick legs ick tummy………………………………… not hungry. not “open” not patient…… ((((hugs)))) sweet sweet sweet sweetness….. yummmm…… o k ok ok i know i want to make a big Art….. a yummy pretty flowing soft colored thing……………… finish the work first, then play. new rules. mean girl mean man ! bully pout frown failing lazy girl………… ick hmmm what to do……. easy breezy clean up quick shower pretty girl relaxing….. ok dinner ? heavy sinking feeling……….. YUCK what’s wrong ? not hungry ick feeling…… hm. whattya want ? fruit water lettuce LOL ok baby.. that sounds flipping e-z, not hard : ) i can do that for you easy, without even running an errand. can’t. hard. heavy. CAN ! EASY ! LIGHT ! sweet girl, don’t fret. don’t want to Make Myself change my mind. i’m not changing your mind. i’m just saying, you can have what you want. sulk. you wanna sulk & fight ? lol no … scared. wasting time. no such thing : ))) ……. relaxed tummy, fat belly under the waistband like a buddha… go to the bathroom, no guilt. yayyyy lk pretty girl fun timez…. oh you can go if you want…….. i feel you will Hurt someone ! no no no my heart doesn’t hurt people. sometimez. no, they hurt themselves. ok ok i won’t hurt you : ) eazy peazy call your man & see what’s up for dinner so you can make good decisions that feel light & loving : ) yummm yayyy thank you

  154.  #154Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Mel re 139,

    Thank You. That is Lovely!

  155.  #155Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    I guess there are 2 me’s. There is the me in the outside world. Laughing and joking, and life if the party and my friends smiling along with me and telling me i am great. Then there is ths ‘real’ me, the neurotic mess. Never satisfied with myself, always looking in the mirror and wondering why i don’t look normal. I can’t explain it.. I realise now i really need to work on this… I feel curious… Maybe a bit enlightened…

  156.  #156Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Re 152,

    I’m sorry Miss Bells,

    I think totally different.

    I think drop him like a hot potato, don’t observe, move yourself away and ride on…



  157.  #157Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    If that is too ‘advicy’ feel free to ignore.

    My feeling is just

    NOOOO! 🙁

  158.  #158Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Rebecca I meant to say to you tdy that you have inner work to do but you dont come across as worshipping a man. It seems to me there are parts of yourself that you still need to discover accept and touch with love. MaybE practice mentally going through different body parts and personas daily painting them with love.

  159.  #159Miss Bells on August 2, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    I have 2 men that want to meet me. One wants to take me kayaking, the other lives in a wonderful coastal village that I adore. One from POF and one from Match.
    We are still LIVING together. We WILL interact. We have had a peaceful home life for a loooonng time. But–I KNOW how to lean back, and how to cut my losses.
    I think his sexual pride was hurt, and he is thrashing around. Nor attractive.
    I almost feel sorry for him, but I will not show him. I am not his sister, his mama, or his therapist.
    The plot thickens…

  160.  #160Rebecca on August 2, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    I think i am a bit of an exhibitionist. But i do it in a way that makes people laugh. I love making people laugh and putting them at their ease. But deep down i have zero confidence. You are right FW deep down i need to start loving me properly. I really want to do that. Gosh, i am truly waffling now…

  161.  #161ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Rebecca, I think we have all been there. What helped me was reading inspirational blogs regarding personal growth. I learned so much about myself and many different perspectives on living life.

  162.  #162Dancing Siren on August 2, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Bed Time!

  163.  #163ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I feel all giggly. Mr. Observant has plans tonight, but he still wanted to make it so he could see me. He said he would drive separate so he could come over later. I had to tell him, he won’t get here until late and it’s a work night, so just ride in one car and enjoy the evening. So, he agreed, but he’s texting and saying he will call me soon! 🙂

  164.  #164MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm


    Thank you! And you’re right. I did and (obviously) still do visit inspirational blogs. Lots!! It helped me a lot too.


    I feel the same about “2 me’s”. I have a very masculine, powerful, commanding side. I also havea very soft, vulnerable, yearning feminine side. I have always shown love to my masculine side. My feminine side on the other hand…Yeah. Not so much. She was never good enough for me. Not pretty enough, not fun enough. Just not enough. What a hardship it is to tap into the masculine side to heal the feminine side without letting the masculine side overwhelm her. I’ll call my masculine side “Mr. I-can-do-anything-and-everything-for-anyone-anytime”. He likes to shine! Sigh.

    Anyway…I relate to you, and feel you. <3

  165.  #165MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 4:47 pm


    again lol

    Good job keeping it real! No harm in putting him off for a bit! It’s the little things that project a confident vibe, right!

  166.  #166ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm


    I can also relate to the masculine and feminine sides and it being easier to love the masculine side. I’ve just recently been finding my feminine side.

    Yes, he’s all worried about seeing me because it’s been a busy week and I will be gone for the weekend, he has dinner plans tomorrow and I might be busy on Monday. He’s planning on seeing me tomorrow after his dinner plans. That will be ok since it’s Friday and I don’t need to get up so early.

    I like to be able to see him too and it’s cute how he is acting. But, I need my sleep!! 🙂

  167.  #167LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I feel blah, blurk, yuk.
    I feel tension in my shoulders.

    I felt isolated, so I let myself get sucked into negative energy stirring to fit in.
    That doesn’t feel good.
    I feel drained, tense, closed in.
    Those feelings give off bad vibes that I do not want to radiate.

    I feel peaceful and light when I don’t get sucked in and stay out of that negative stirring.

    I like to repeat to myself “don’t feed the monster”.
    Coz to me, joining in the complaining fest, takes my eye off the ball (the main goal), and it feeds the bad ugly monster.

    When I don’t like how I’m being talked to or treated, I try to find what I can learn from it for me.
    Complaining only feeds the monster, and makes me feel tied up in knots and that radiates bad vibes.

    I try to apply ‘trust 1st’, think the best, feel the best, and if I get disappointed, I trust myself to handle it”.

    I’m trying to apply that at work right now, but people think I’m delusional.

    So, after my little trip in negativeland today, I want to go back to the thoughts and openmindedness that make me feel good.

    It’s OK if they don’t include me in their “monsterfeeding” gatherings, I will only feel better for it.

    I don’t know if I make sense to any of you sirens, but I am feeling lighter after processing this.

    I love being me 🙂

  168.  #168Dominique on August 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Rebecca – #110 – I’m so sorry you feel this much pain. I get it; I really, really do. I’ve been there and for a great many years.

    I realize this sounds cliché, but maybe it’s just not your time yet. Coming from a place of desperation is not a good place to come from. People (men) can feel it miles away.

    This may help or not. I felt trapped in a terrible and painful marriage for over twelve years. Being alone would have felt so much better. And it wasn’t until I summoned the courage to finally leave, that I made room for the real thing to show up, and it did right away. Even though I was a huge mess. And that K showed up then (or rather reappeared) was the last thing I would have anticipated.

    I don’t know if you know much if any of my story, but if I was able to find this kind of love, ANYONE can.

    I wish I knew you better to better help you see what it is that still needs releasing to make room for what you seek.


  169.  #169Daria on August 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Miss Stix ong that post feels so amazing and healing. I feel like you’re one of my voices. That feels so awesome.

    I feel uplifted.

    Yay I feel ashamed to be easy healing riding on someone else’s wisdom

    I notice the pull to beat myself up and I feel so Embarassed to feel so admiring and happy and excited to read someone else’s words.

    Wow this feels so unbearably humiliating and I live me anyway it also feels awesome and fun and healing.

    I’m feeling energized and empowered.

    ‘What a hardship it is to tap into the masculine side to heal the feminine side without letting the masculine side overwhelm her’

    Wow I’m healing this too

    And today I felt like I was connected to a whole line of powerful people and I was one of them and I felt at peace

    I feel calm when I feel part of a group

    My breathing slows and I feel big and connected like the Egyptian giant statues

  170.  #170Annie on August 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Miss Bells says:

    “Good Afternoon Sirens!
    Well, HS is back on Match–and he is paying for it now. He is a serial monogamist–so he and OW must have “broken up”.
    He shut me out to go after her.
    Now he is clearly trying to date online.
    Not return to me–a matter of pride, I am sure.
    Last time he did all this stuff–last summer–I moved out very quickly and regretted it. And–we ended up together again until this latest dust-up.
    Online dating is much easier to overcome for me than one women who seemingly wants to do him.
    My plan–Keep doing my own thing, keep moving, keep it light, use FMs–and observe him as I make my own plans.
    What do you think?”

    What was your arrangement with him before you moved in?
    What was the deal he was offering?
    What is it now, have you discussed it?
    Do you CD?
    What do you want?
    Not of him in general what sort of relationship and man do you want?
    Do you want to a man who is dating other women or actively seeking other women?
    Only you know what you want and what is tolerable and what is a deal breaker to you.

  171.  #171Dominique on August 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    And another thought I have is this. You are not necessarily doing something wrong. You just haven’t found your brand of weird yet. And when I say weird, this is a big compliment. Weird is wonderful, special, different, interesting.


  172.  #172Daria on August 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    Miss Bells – ‘peaceful Home life’ seems to be a theme in your posts.

    Is this something important to you in your ideal relationship ?

  173.  #173Dominique on August 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Healing and learning to love yourself is an ongoing, lifelong process. We all have parts we don’t like so mcuh, parts we want to change.

    Someone can still fall in love with you, flawed bits and all. It’s part of what will endear you to a man. Men tend to be far more forgiving in some ways about imperfections than many women.

    Please allow some patience and gentleness towards yourself around all of this.


  174.  #174Annie on August 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I feel my center being pulled off balance.
    It feels difficult to remain centered and not by pulled of balance.
    Someone who I gave a speech too and a boundary did not step up and walked away which I accepted for the best.
    And now they are back hovering but doing and saying nothing.
    It brought all the old stuff back, but I did something different than in the past.
    I took a step back moved in the other direction and went and did something off my feel good list to focus on something else, rather than waiting around and obsessing.
    It feels difficult not to get pulled back and start thinking and obsessing.
    It feels so weird.
    Like I am semi frozen.
    semi stuck.
    Like I am being pulled in two different directions 🙁
    I feel sad.
    My heart hurts.
    I don’t know what they want.
    Why come back now?
    I feel lighter.
    The pain feels lifted a little.
    I want to be strong and do what is in my best interest.
    I don’t want to settle for crumbs.
    I want it all, the whole cake plus the icing.

  175.  #175ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm


  176.  #176MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 5:31 pm


    makes perfect sense to me! your words seem to come from the same place mine do. I feel connected with you in the quest for positivity!

  177.  #177LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    D said he would finish work early tonight and we would see each other.

    It’s getting late, so we won’t see each other.

    Last night, I thought I would get an overnight bag ready after dinner, go to his house, wash his dishes and wait for him so I could see him when he got home.
    That would have made him happy…but not me.

    This time by myself is allowing me to really look at this and see that it would be ‘overfunctioning’, making it easy for him.

    It would erase my integrity and neutralize the effects of my FMs on the subject.

    I’ve been saying to him in the last couple of weeks:
    ” I miss our romantic alone time.
    I feel disconnected and cold when we don’t get that time. I don’t want to feel that way in our relationship.
    I don’t want our relationship to feel like a business relationship where all we share is money and material things.”

    Some time before, I also said ” I don’t feel good living with a man, and spending my evenings alone at home doing all the chores by myself and waiting for him to come home. That would make me feel unappreciated, sad and lonely.
    I want to share my life and a home with a man, and that kind of situation would feel like the opposite of what I want.
    Until I have someone that will share his life and a home with me, I will feel better taking care of me and doing things for me.”

    So you can see how my overfunctioning by going over there to wait for him to come home would totally erase all the value of those FMs.
    My actions would not be aligned with my feelings, and that would end up making me feel bad in the longrun.

    I feel so glad I caught that.
    Honouring my own FMs is what loving myself is all about.
    I feel so proud of myself for seeing that clearly and honouring myself by staying put and leaning back.
    I feel all loving now…from within.

    LOVE FROM ME TO ME !!!! 🙂

  178.  #178MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 5:35 pm


    I feel intensly proud of myself when you speak of me. Thank you! From my soul.

    I have a vague memory of writing you a post when I was tipsy a day or 2 ago. I remember feeling love for a stranger. Smiling at the memory!

  179.  #179Miss Bells on August 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    #172 Daria–yes, a peaceful beautiful home is very important to me, and we had that for a long time. Now-I will have it again, by myself, with another, or with him if he meets my terms.
    He is behaving frantically right now. I can smell the desperation.

  180.  #180Annie on August 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Ty Receiving girl.

  181.  #181ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Lilibee – I feel happy you caught yourself from overfunctioning too!! You inspire me. 🙂

  182.  #182LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm


    Thanks Miss Sixty! 🙂

    Let’s be the positivity team!

    I try to remind myself why I’m there:

    I’m there to do a good job and accomplish something, to learn (that’s my ball!)

    When I get into complaining mode with my coworkers, it takes my focus (eye) off of what I’m there for (the ball).

    I want to catch the ball.

    I feel more powerfull saying that.
    I feel more grounded.
    I feel lighter.
    I feel more peaceful.

  183.  #183MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 5:46 pm


    Sweet! I am proud of you. You worked that out amazingly.

    “Honouring my feeling msgs.” Such a clear way of looking at it!

    I think that’s how i’ll look at my alone at home time from now on…

  184.  #184Belle on August 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Boy at work is testing boundaries again.
    It’s difficult, he’s very charming and manipulative and it’s my nature to want to be open and friendly. When I see him I involuntarily light up. But I feel like it’s not safe let my guard down around him.
    He innocently called and asked for computer help and before I knew it I was sucked into helping him when I would rather not have. He flagged me down after work and asked me if things were better now that we had some distance. I nodded my head slightly and drove on. I felt regret after, because it was better when he was uncomfortable and not talking to me and then he started feeling comfortable and feeling out my receptivity again.

    I feel like I need a new lease on life. I feel the need to make some kind of decision on a career path. I feel the need to grow myself. I feel like if I were more well-rounded and mature and more involved in something I feel passionate about, inappropriate men wouldn’t be so overwhelmingly attractive to me.

    I feel like it’s time to get clear on what I want in life. I feel unsure, uncertain, which way to go. What seemed to call me so intensely just a couple of years ago doesn’t seem so interesting anymore. I took a test at the college and was told I’d make a great admin assistant or social worker. I feel like I’d rather die than be stuck in either of those roles.
    I feel like I would love love LOVE to do the intuitive work I am so good at, but feel uncertain whether it will actually help me really grow. I’m feeling a need for more worldly experience.

    I’m wondering if someone like me with such a violent past can really transform and become more than before. When I think I about it I notice…yes. I handled the situation with the boy at work very differently than ever before. I felt my feelings as fully as possible, I never blamed him for anything, I never demanded, I watched and noticed his behavior and set an intention to synch up the fantasy with the reality and that’s what happened.

    I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I know I can trust that if I focus on growing and cultivating love and synergy and embodying infinity more and more, the path will continue to open up before me.
    And so it is.

  185.  #185Cinnabar on August 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Thank you Rori! I am reading right now as I type! 🙂

  186.  #186MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    Team Positivity!

    I’m in on that. 😀

  187.  #187Jasmine on August 2, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    I need a mannnnnnn

  188.  #188MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 6:02 pm


    I believe you can have all you want. When I read your comment I sensed that you wrap your “wants” up with your feelings. Which doesn’t seem constructive. I don’t know how to put it in words…But almost like there’s no way not to feel desperate.

    I just had an idea to separate “wants” from feelings…

    I want to be a photographer and earn a living capturing beautiful images. I feel light and hopeful when I think about making this happen.

    I also want to be an RN and continue to earn a living providing people with love, compassion, and healing. I feel proud when I think about making that happen.

    I put my wants first and then how what I want can make me feel so good!

  189.  #189LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm


    Thanks RG,

    Ya know, this time apart is allowing me time to connect to myself, by sitting here processing my feelings and stuff.

    By accepting and allowing this me time (what is), leaning back ( I could have called him on his cell but didn’t), I came to feeling relaxed, open and loving when he called a few minutes ago.

    We’re going to meet his cousin and gf tomorrow, and we’re sleeping over.

    My feeling relaxed, open and loving put me in a vibe that I was able to say a good FM from the heart:

    ” I have such a fun time with your cousin. He wanted us to spend the entire weekend. He’s not one to take no for an answer, and I know how you don’t feel comfortable saying no…But I would feel so good to spend some alone time with you to feel connected with you.
    I miss being romanced.
    What do you think?”

    (I let it go about him not showing up tonight.
    I said FMs about this type of situation already, and my message is clear enough by having honoured them by staying at my place tonight.
    So no need to say more about that.)

    He responded: ” We’ll only stay Friday night, I’m not staying Saturday. We’ll go home and have our alone time. It will feel good to rest.”

    I could hear and feel the smiley tone in his voice 🙂

    The old pre-Rori me would have hit him over the head about overworking tonight.
    I would have chewed him out about tonight, and I would have given him an ‘order’ on what to do this weekend.
    Yuk, that must have felt suffocating to a man.
    He would not have looked forward to some alone romantic time with me!
    He would have withdrawn, and I would have gotten more angry and more disappointed in him.

    This new post-Rori me feels peaceful.
    I’m guiding him on how to treat me, and I’m giving him an opportunity to step up and make me feel happy 🙂

  190.  #190LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 6:21 pm


    Oh MissSixty, I’m copying those!

  191.  #191ReceivingGirl on August 2, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Lilibee – sounds like everything worked out perfectly! 🙂

  192.  #192LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Oops, it’s MissStix not MissSixty!

    I feel cutsy messing up, lol.

  193.  #193LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    I mean ‘cutesie’, or ‘cutesy’, or ‘cutesey’…that word’s not even in the dictionnary anyway.

  194.  #194LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 6:33 pm


    Thanks RG,

    I’ll see how it turns out if he’s capable of saying no to his cousin about staying a 2nd night.
    Will are relationship come 1st before his ‘disease to please’ ?
    Stay tuned…

  195.  #195April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    @75 Daria,

    Thank you, sweet Daria, I needed your perspective

    “…And it does feel so easy and fantastic as my heart just bleeds love…” Yep. That is the feeling.
    And yes, my focus was on him.
    And it was also a response to how good he made me feel. It took me by surprise, this heart-bleeding-love.

    So, after I read what you wrote, I brought myself back into myself some. When I met him tonight he asked me if I was back to normal, and remarked with surprise that I had been ‘all over him’ earlier.

    I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I feel grateful and glad that I nipped it in the bud.

    How do you believe that the divine Feminine can worship the divine Masculine, if indeed she does at all?

  196.  #196LiliBee on August 2, 2012 at 6:58 pm


    Where are you? I have something to say to you:

    You know when you suggested D might be a ‘magician’ type personality, I looked it up and read on it.

    You had suggested I chear him on and be his audience.

    I tried that out this way:

    We spent a fun dinner evening with another couple where D cracked us up.
    We laughed so hard!

    The next morning, I replayed it in my head on purpose, and I laughed out loud.
    The replay in my head was just as funny as the live thing.
    I told him how funny he was, how twisted up by body felt from laughing so hard.

    He was all too happy to replay it live just for me.
    We had a good long laugh together.

    I replayed it again in my head in the car, and it still felt so hilarious!
    He enjoyed seeing me laugh like that, and he laughed right along with me, not a word spoken.

    We got out of the car where people greeted us, and we were all smiley and giggly.

    For almost 3 years I’ve been digging my brain watching him have fun with other people and not with me!
    I felt so jealous! I wanted to have the laughs and fun with him too!

    He did something at that funny dinner party that got on my nerves.
    In the past, I would have focused on that and would have hit him on the head with an angry remark the next day.
    This time, I chose to focus on the funny things he did and pointed those out instead.
    It lead to a whole day of laughing and giggling together like I always wanted!

    You had pointed out to me FW: “I see how you’re noticing the good things about D.”, and gee that stuck!

    You always know how to plant the seed in me FW!

    You are such a blessing! 🙂

  197.  #197April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    @104 Mel,

    I feel afraid. I think I may be accidentally swimming into ‘intense’ waters without even seeing it.

    Your arm-stroking of MrA sounds lovely and gentle.

    I was all-out sitting on this man, kissing him and feeling super-passionate and all over him.

  198.  #198Starla on August 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Weee, the fun girly joy of picking out something to wear to a dinner date tomorrow:)

  199.  #199April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    I’m not sure if my focus was primarily him, or my own passion. It was bubbling up inside me hugely.
    It was like the overflow only had one place to spill onto – him!

  200.  #200R.N.AmazingMe on August 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    So I get home and “M” starts as soon as we walked in door. I could see it and feel it the anger, the overworked and overtired face and it was all me and my kid’s fault. I walk on egg shells and say I am sorry, try to clean more but it is not good enough. I am sorry I do not want to be your “Cinderella” We provide all this you have not even paid a dent in what we have given you!…The unspoken words, I cannot tak it. You want to stay home and clean all day go right ahead. I do not and life is about enjoying it. YOu work…work….work…clean…clean….and never waant to breathe and relax and enjoy the other things in life. No wonder your so tired! I do not want to be that I am 32 and yes with all my faults and wrong doing, I am sorry if I do not want to scrub the grout with for you or with you. That sounds mean but geez that and “D” negative ways lately..I am fit to be tied. Sorry to sound “Ungreatful” in “YOUR” house but you say you both want us here but everything your actions down to your comments right out of your mouth say otherwise.MAybe M & D need to reflect and think maybe at this time in thier life they want some peace and quiet. It’s ok and it will probably save our family so I have to do something soon. Operation Grow Up and be Independent cannot be completed if I stay here….thanks for letting me vent here sirens..

  201.  #201MissStix on August 2, 2012 at 7:18 pm


    The person who gave me that nickname calls me MissStixy all the time! Yeah it’s cute…

  202.  #202April Rose on August 2, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Thank you Dominique,

    I didn’t see your message before I met up with him, but I did try bringing up the topic of sex again.
    I said “I feel curious. I’m wondering if I could be turned on by what turns you on”.
    He still didn’t talk, and I didn’t push it.

    Then I glimpsed his ‘monster’ face, the one he had on when he bit me recently as we were making out.
    I asked him what this part of him wanted. I know it is the part that likes to play rough. I just have no idea how rough.

    He said it was too late to talk, so I left it for the moment.

  203.  #203Belle on August 2, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    @ 188 ~ Miss Stix – oh, GOT it, thank you!
    I had to read, re-read, go away and come back and read AGAIN before it gelled. Yes! The one way is being wrapped up in the feeling of not having, the other is a fun dance with desire 😀

  204.  #204Linda on August 2, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    I have an odd thing going on inside me. I feel split in two. In my minds eye I see myself differently than I actually do look. I mean there are similarities but what I feel about myself is different than what I see. Having lost 20 pounds, I feel thin ( still have more that I want to loose) but when I look in the mirror I see a fat woman looking back at me. Or I bought an awsome pair of shoes on sale a few weeks back.. I love them. In my mind they are so hot and hip… when I put them on to wear tonight, I looke in the mirror and took them off and did not wear them because something told me I looked silly in them. Like teenager feet attached to my 53 year old body. Even the shirt I wore tonight I felt pretty in when I left the house but when I excused myself to go to the restroom I caught my reflection in the mirror and felt the shirt looked too small and I felt super self conscious. I looked at the woman in the mirror and she looks different than I feel I look. I thought my clothes looked put together and updated, but after diner tonight I did not think so. I felt the shirt looked tight and my pants were too big in the legs. ugh

    I dont understand this?

  205.  #205R.N.AmazingMe on August 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Thank you for loving me ((((AMazingMe)))))…I have to let this stuff out and am not going to let it consume me. Out with the old me and in with the new. I used to let all my business out and then became total opposite and started stuffing it all down. Now I am tyring to be at a happy medium while learning what makes me happy. “NOT EVERYONE ELSE” I am blind here just going through life and learning. That is good, I am ok with that. At the end of the day I have my own demons to face. I am very aware, it’s feeling better but long process. I believe God and my Gramps and Grams up there in the heavens above will help show me my way…

  206.  #206Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    One of the last things left is to officially quit a professional organization so I will no longer see my previous guy. I have an email drafted to one of the officers. Just afraid over the next few days or weeks I will feel panicky. We could easily not ever see each other aside for several items of his at my house.

    The last few days I have been feeling sad. But I want to choose me. I want to stand up for me if I don’t who will. My heart and body and life are important. Please choose me over a man who doesn’t truly want you. It is such a downer with someone who does not choose you. I choose you (me!). There will be better circumstances and better men and more love for me. I do not need to choose pain instead of the feel good and juicy love. Yeah me!

  207.  #207Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    LiliBee thanks for sharing your story. Isn’t it amazing how things can change if we are willing to open up, try seeing things from a different perspective and experiment with being a different way in relationships? Congrats Lilibee

  208.  #208Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    Is anyone still on the blog tonight? If so it would feel really good for some thoughts on how to stay strong and choose oneself. When you know you must choose yourself and cut all ties because the third way just won’t work for your situation. And the discussion short as it was has already taken place. How do I stay strong and quit the organization we both belong to?

  209.  #209Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Femininewoman do you have any words of wisdom for me? It seems you always do!

  210.  #210Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Starbright if you quit the organization will you have other options? Is quitting part of your normal “flight” response?

  211.  #211Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    It seems like standing up for yourself would be sinking in and embracing whatever feelings are coming up around the situation.

  212.  #212Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Femininewoman, thanks for responding!

    To your question about whether quitting is a normal response…I would say I feel like hanging on or staying on the fence is my normal response with men. Or, running initially and then coming back.

    We started at the organization at the same time and so it is all so tied up together. My enthusiasm for it has waned and I could join another group if I want. I have a hard time thinking of being there without some sort of relationship with him.

  213.  #213Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    And I have felt addicted to him and even though circular dating on and off can’t seem to cut ties with him when I see him. It is crumbs when I want everything. I keep accepting less.

  214.  #214Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Starbright your “enthusiasm” is what jumped at me. Feeding that is what I would suggest you do, not leaving the organization because of him. Stand in your power and feed(l) your excitement for your life regardless.

  215.  #215Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    My feelings about him and the organization change between feelings of peace and those of sadness. Easy going with an ability to breathe deeply and some pain in my chest and a bit of a panicky feeling. I grew a lot with both. But I feel like my growth there is done. I need new groups and people in my life.

  216.  #216Femininewoman on August 2, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Starbright until you leave it would be good to focus on being a RockStar. You feel what you feel but just treat him as a friend.

  217.  #217Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Femininewoman, thank you for taking the time to respond to me tonight! I will be letting your words sink in and reevaluate mu feelings tomorrow.

  218.  #218Starla on August 2, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    woohoo, rockstar all the way

    i remember i took a job and my soon-to-be-boss during the interview was like “so do you speak to (ex’s name) anymore? we’re in a band together.”

    hahahaaaaa yikes.

    but i rockstar’d my way through it. even though he is my most triggering ex of all time.

  219.  #219Butterfly wings on August 2, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    TH is acting weird and told me that I’ve misunderstood what he wants. Huh??

    He’s also been posting sad faces and sad comments on FB. I know it’s about us but he told me he wants to talk to me about it but not yet.

    I sent him an email telling him that him ending it with me gave me the certainty I desperately needed although I’d have preferred to have that with him.

    I also told him (after my dad and I talked yesterday) that I now understand his reasons for stepping back when I needed him the most, and all I want is for the both of us to be happy.

    I am thinking that he wants things to look exactly like they did before we announced we were in a relationship. What I don’t understand about that is that everything would be exactly the same but without the FB relationship status. What the?? I don’t understand what he hopes to achieve by doing that.

    What I do know is that I’m more than happy to embrace my single life, but he’s really not comfortable with that because I think he fears he will lose me. Yup. He’s right!!!

    I already have a tentative date for next week!!

    Men are sooooo confusing!!!!!

  220.  #220Starla on August 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    men are confusing in this way, aren’t they? that’s why we just stay on our bridge:):):)

  221.  #221Turquoise on August 2, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    H Sirens,

    Mr. Conversation came over today to talk about my website, but we ended up talking more about what’s going on in his life, us and then some about the website. It’s really refreshing to talk to him about things, because he’s very open and expressive. For example, we were standing and he put his hand on my shoulder with his arm straight out and said, sometimes I feel like doing this… (keeping me at arms length) and then he pulled me in and hugged me and said sometimes he feels like doing that. I told him I feel he assumes a lot about what he thinks I want. I told him that ideally, yes, I do want a serious relationship, but that I’m not expecting that right now. He said it feels like I do. I told him that even if he came to me and told me how much he wanted it, I’d say no right now, because I don’t feel he’s ready. He didn’t believe me. He equates a lot with playing games, thinking that I’m trying to get a reaction out of him. I don’t know if all men are like that, or if it’s just his personality. It was funny though, when he showed up he told me how nice I looked, and he really liked my shirt, didn’t think he’d ever seen me in anything so colorful. I guess they do prefer color to black or white. 🙂 I do wear a lot of blue and coral, but this shirt is blue, gree and yellow, sort of a watercolor effect. Of course I was ready for my date… which felt a little akward. He asked me if we were staying in, and I said no, going to dinner. Then asked why I was having him pick me up here. I said he doesn’t know the area, and he said… I don’t mean to sound nebby…. so I said, it’s someone I dated before, and he said “oh really”. I just said, you said you were fine with this, and he just shook his head and then changed the subject. I wouldn’t have explained anything if he wasn’t here… I didn’t even say I had a date, I just said I had dinner plans. He keeps saying to me that he just wants us to relax and enjoy each other, and that he wants me in his life and won’t let me leave, unless I really want to. It feels so deeply good, to have a man want me in his life, without any sortof expectation, except that I be myself. We aren’t sleeping together, no kissing or anything. We are on hold until things feel more secure with his legal issues. So, very good talk as usual, and I told him the thing I need, is consistency. He promised that he’ll be able to give me that soon, once a legal thing gets cleared up. I really like him, but I’m doing sooo good to not put him up on a pedestal, and have stopped trying to help so much, or lean forward. I told him a lot of what the psychic told me, and a good bit of it was about him. He was very intersested and asked if I’d want us to go do it together. 🙂 Gosh ladies…. how often does it happen that you meet a good unavailable man, who you just really LIKE. I don’t know what it is…. but almost makes me feel like we were best friends in a past life. I truly don’t know if we’d be good in a relationship together. I honestly don’t know, but I’m curious to see how things grow between us.

    My date with Tom was great. He looks fantastic, lost a bunch of weight. We went out to dinner and then came back here and watched some of the Olympics. He’s a man of few emotional words. So different than Mr. Conversation. We kissed, he rubbed my neck and shoulders, and I know he wanted more, but I said no. I told him that it’s been a long time since we dated, and I’m not looking to rush into anything. l already have plans with my girlfriends to go see Magic Mike tomorrow night, and then Saturday night going to a local community activity and to see fireworks with my sister. He asked what I’m doing tomorrow night… but if we keep seeing each other, I’d handle it soooo differently this time. I feel amazed at how much I’ve learned and grown in 16 months here! (he’s the guy who brought me to the blog)

  222.  #222Radlove on August 2, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    Yay! I have a new CD date tomorrow night that I’m actually excited about! I posted a personals ad today and talked on the phone for about two hours with a new CD who I feel really comfortable with! I will call him BJ.

  223.  #223Turquoise on August 2, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    That’s great Radlove! 🙂 Happy for you!

    I’m feeling stressed that C plans to come in for a whole week at our oldests birthday. He wants to work in the yard and the girls have cheer practice 4 nights, so thinking he’s planning to stay here. It didn’t go so well last time, and things are different now, including that he has a girlfriend. When I told Mr. Converation, he asked where I’m going… and I probably won’t. Between work and running the girls around… I won’t be home that much. It’s going to be an odd situation though.

  224.  #224Radlove on August 2, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    I can’t resist telling you he is in a high position in government, and I probably shouldn’t tell you that. But he seems like a real quality man!

  225.  #225Daria on August 2, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Femininewoman I feel insured to paint my body parts w love

    This time turn them a color right now my right arm feels blue and magnificent


  226.  #226ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    204.Linda-oh yes. I lost a fair bit of weight four years ago, and still find it difficult to accept the new me

    Radlove YES for a CD you are interested in

    Rebecca-hm-I used to do that, well still do, but not as much.Life and soul of the party,etc.For me it was overcompensation for the emptiness and pain inside
    it wasnt *real*

    What do you think?

  227.  #227ruth on August 2, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Many of you lovely ladies leading by example with the tools
    I am learning so much

  228.  #228Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    sigh. another day.

  229.  #229Starbright on August 2, 2012 at 11:32 pm

    Aw, Tam! Big hugs!!

  230.  #230Tam on August 2, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    thank you Starbright… off to my little job I go…
    I feel so sad and disillusioned.
    All will be ok.

  231.  #231P-lala on August 2, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    ((((tam)))) hoping your day brings delightful surprises

  232.  #232Becki on August 2, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    i have been reading a lot of the blog and i’m trying to figure out which program i should start with (right now thinking modern siren?) i have a complicated situation. i would hope my post would not cause harsh judgment or criticism towards me (seems like everyone on here is pretty much non-judgemental which is why i am choosing to post this) how best to put this?

    it started 12 years ago when i was dating a wonderful man but felt he really wasn’t that into me. seems like he was enjoying single life and dating (at least one other woman at the time) so i started dating another man. for a few weeks i was seeing both men and although unaware i was able to get pregnant (long story) i did become pregnant.

    The one i first started dating (i’ll call him VP) had already told me he accepted a job offer and in a few months would be moving 3 hours away. the other one was nice enough and i liked him but he wasn’t “the one” (I’ll call him UD for underdog) well my periods are irregular so no idea who was the father but according to missed period it was VP. later an ultrasound swung more towards UD.

    i chose to let VP go not mentioning possible fatherhood (was 24 and very immature in some ways, selfish really) and let UD claim her. Everyone says she is spitting image of UD (i can’t tell) anyways after several years we married and now 12 years later i am miserable.

    i will be leaving in the next 2 months to go out on my own (please again, i feel guilty enough already) since new years i started seeing VP again about 2-3 times a month. (He still lives 3 hours away) UD suspects something but im not ready to break his heart (not in a position where i can afford to move out for another month or 2)
    well ive discovered im madly in love with VP and he knows my situation. He’s ok seeing me but i think my situation causes him to withdraw somewhat (He still is unaware there is a possibility he could be a father).
    when we are together it’s amazing, but when im back home the contact is not very much. fb messages every week on average.

    i told him 2 visits ago that i didn’t think he was into me so i let him go and found out i was pregnant and settled but he was always the one. told him i didn’t know what we have and im ok with that now but one day i want his heart (i am not ok with it but given that i am still married what can i really expect from him) he never responded, just hugged me. i left and have visited once since.

    he held me more the next time and was much “loving” but still no mention. he pulls back a lot, and then will come around again. it’s not all about sex either.
    i want to know basically how i can 1. keep him around until i can move out, 2. keep him interested after i move out, 3. help him to see once a cheater always a cheater is not true. he knows i am not in love with my husband and did it for my daughter. i dont make it a habit to cheat but this man has my heart and i would do anything for him.
    BUT i know i need to learn how to lean back at the same time.
    i always visit him which is normally a no no i think, but i am married and living at home so him coming here is a no-no as well. he really is a great guy and in my eyes he is “the one”. i never stopped thinking about him in all these years and hate i chose the path i did but i feel like with help i can turn this in my favor.

    so which program would you think i need? Or am I beyond help?

  233.  #233ruth on August 3, 2012 at 12:21 am

    Wow becki

    Thats a complicated one
    Im no expert on all this stuff, but I have learned that you cant “make” a man do anything or fel anything for yo if thats not what he wants.
    So you cant really do anything with VP

    Does UD know you are planning to move out?

    Seems to me, that is the thing you need to do first-and then see how things go once you are set up on your own

    Even if you are no longer in love with UD, it is still going have an effct on you wehn you do leave and you will need time to deal with that in your own way, regardless of what VP does

    I am sure you will be getting much more useful Sireny advice soon

    Re the programs
    I have the E book, Modern Siren, reconnect and heart toolkit. Reconnect so fatr i have found the most usefl
    Finally, i dont think anyone is beyond help

    Good luck xx

  234.  #234ruth on August 3, 2012 at 12:35 am

    PS Most of the Sirens seem to be based in the USA so they will be asleep right now

    Im on GMT

  235.  #235ruth on August 3, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Hope today is better than you think tam

  236.  #236Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 1:36 am


    Put your hand on your heart and do the affirmations

  237.  #237Butterfly Wings on August 3, 2012 at 4:29 am

    Having absolutely NO attachment to the outcome is unbelievably liberating!

    I know TH wants to talk about something to do with us, but right now I am totally ok with whatever will come out of that talk.

    I went downstairs (which is basically where he’s been staying most of the time) to put some washing on and he called me in to ask if I was ok. I said I was but that I was feeling a little impatient about our yet-to-have talk. I then said “I feel impatient but I’m dealing with it well, as you can see!”. He thanked me, because he said to me this morning that he wasn’t “ready” to talk yet.

    Why does it take him so long to process stuff???

    I’m doing ok though, but would really like some closure on this situation.

    Oh and I also told him earlier that him ending things with me had given me the certainty I needed, because things had been up in the air for quite some time now.

    I wonder if that’s “scared” him that I’m so ok with it ending??

    Ok, time to get out of his head and back into mine! 🙂

    I’m going to attempt to get some sleep tonight (first time in a week I think), so good night everyone! 🙂

  238.  #238Turquoise on August 3, 2012 at 5:00 am

    ((((butterfly wings)))) you sound really strong and resilient. Wow for you to realize he needs time to process, and respecting that. I know closure is a bad word around here, but I just read a quote about sometimes it’s ok to burn a bridge, because it prevents you from going somewhere you don’t need to be. Do what feels right to u.

    My psychic kept repeating that to me, to be full, I need to be open, receptive and to feel. Feel, feel feel, she told me to feel open even in my pores, to let more in. Its such a good visual to keep me in the moment. I had a hard time staying in the moment with Tom last night, while he is an amazing kisser, possibly best ever, I kept thinking about mr. Conversation.

    My goal is to make some boundaries, put them in place and keep them.

    It would have been so easy to sleep with Tom last night. Physically I wanted it, but emotionally I did not. Thank you boundaries!!!!

  239.  #239April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 5:07 am


    Are you sure you want to name your new Cd that way (BJ)?
    Could it sound a little too sexy too soon?!

  240.  #240Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I feel sad and stupid and scared.
    I couldn’t sleep last night.
    I don’t know why, but I woke up startled at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep until 5am.

    I felt so anxious.
    I still feel a little bit now, but it’s better.

    I felt so crazy and swirly and hopeless and desperate in the early morning hour.

    I dropped to my knees and opened my palms to the heavens in surrender.

    I don’t understand.
    I feel so confused.
    I feel exhausted.
    I feel small and little and helpless.
    I feel like a tiny little girl.

    I feel so teary and tired.
    I feel untouched physically
    and yet, I also feel comforted in this really weird strange way.

    It feels like warm soothing salve on my bruise-y heart.

    I feel sleepy.
    I want to go home.
    to my real home.

  241.  #241Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 5:49 am

    I want someone to rub and kiss my forehead and I want someone to tell me to go to sleep.

  242.  #242Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 5:53 am

    I feel accepting of myself.
    It feels good, but what does it feel so sad, as well?
    It almost feels like my Inner Self has been begging for this, and she feels sad with me.
    It feels like she’s crying with me and that she loves me so much.

  243.  #243MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:05 am


    omg yes! Men are by FAR the most confusing of the sexes.

    I somehow just always believed men were simple, and women were complex…pffft. That set me up for a lot of heartache.

    I’ve come to accept their complexities. Their “hot and all over you” and their “cold and quiet”. Not gonna try to figure it out. It belongs to them. My business is me and feeling as good as I can at all times.

  244.  #244Butterfly wings on August 3, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Turquoise, I suppose the closure is on the talk. I know it’s going to happen, so right now I’m just waiting. Once we’ve talked then that’s my “closure” regardless of what comes out of it.

    I’ve got a whole big list of things that will need to happen if he wants our relationship to continue and I’m pretty sure he won’t like most of them.

    So I do still believe it’s over with us, but you just never know… I will miss the good times…!

  245.  #245MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:11 am

    PS I have discovered I get much less of the cold and quiet when I focus on just being me, and feeling good. It’s like Rori says. It keeps men coming twards you! Like who IS this girl?

    G actually asks me that all the time lol ” who are you?” or “Where did I find you again??” 😀

  246.  #246MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:15 am


    Stay true to what you want, need and feel. I know you will! We are behind you!

  247.  #247Linda on August 3, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Ruth. I work such an early shift sometimes I feel like I am the only person awake. Half my work day is done when most people come in to work. I love having my hour because I get off at 2:15. I often say “me and the plumbers are the only ones on the road” when I am traveling to work.

    Starbright: Its really really really a bad choice to choose to be with a man that does not CHOOSE you. He is there with you but not Really With YOU!….I have been there and done that. I Dont think words here will every do justice to how realllllly bad it feels. All the time! I even had to figure out new things to do to cope with feeling like that. I am still deprograming my brain and heart from that relationships affects in me. Have you ever heard this? (btw it is in the bible)…” you were neither hot nor cold but lukewarm and I spit you out of my mouth”…. Truer words have never been spoken. Rejection for me is easier to take than Ambivilence They both hurt but the later makes me feel ewwwh ! It just feels like being slimed to me.

    Do yourself a grand favor and Choose Yourself. Wait for the man that is dying to choose you. I am! It feels so much better to be alone than with some one who doesnt really care. I will never do that to myself again!

  248.  #248Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Wow BW. Just reading “I’ve got a whole big list of things that will need to happen” feels overwhelming. Maybe he will feel like he has no control? Especially if he is on the receiving end of emotional outbursts.

  249.  #249MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:20 am


    I feel excitement and anticipation for you for your date!

    My hope for you is to have a beautiful and wonderful time and to be in present in the moment!

  250.  #250MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:28 am


    I felt a lot of power in your comment (221). I can see clearly that you are in control. I felt a lot of inner conflict as well, but your power and control came accross so much stronger than the conflict. Your magnetism is showing 😉

  251.  #251Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:38 am

    I feel sad and scared again.
    This feels like a recurring nightmare.
    I feel ignored, and I feel guilty because i feel like I ignore, so i deserve to be ignored.

    I feel like I’m being used.
    I feel like I’m being punished.
    I feel unloved.
    I feel invisible.

    I don’t know why I feel this way, and it feels frustrating!
    I feel angry!
    I feel like I deserve more than this!

    I want to be held RIGHT NOW and I feel angry and sad because I know no one is going to hold me.

  252.  #252Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:40 am

    I feel misunderstood.
    I feel like my emotional needs are not being met, that they’ve never been met and that makes me feel angry.
    I’m crying and that makes me feel angry.
    I shouldn’t have to cry.
    I shouldn’t have to feel this.
    I don’t deserve this pain.
    I didn’t do anything wrong.

    I hurt so bad.

  253.  #253Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:42 am

    I feel embarassed about my emotional needs not being met. because I do things like blog and comment annonymously on blogs, because I’m a coward.

    and now I feel guilty for calling myself a coward.
    I feel terrible.

  254.  #254MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:43 am

    ok all one comment from now on lol You ladies say so much and speak to my heart 🙂


    Hugs and love to you! My hope for you is to feel strength today.


    Phewf…What a story! I want to tell you to let go of your guilt and shame and embrace your story! Forgive yourself. We are all human. We were all young once.

    I can’t help much with advising you which programs you may need. You have a lot of soul searching coming your way. A lot of learning and growing.

    I believe you have come to the right place! If you keep yourself moving forward you will get through this time and come out the other end a powerful creature! We are here to support you! Hugs!

  255.  #255Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:43 am

    how are you supposed to meet your own emtional needs?

    I feel sick and unworthy and wretched.

  256.  #256Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:45 am

    I feel stupid for mis-spelling things.

    I don’t even know how to spell “misspell”

  257.  #257Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:47 am

    I feel insane. because the defintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results.

    I feel so angry and sad and absolutely desperate for understanding and compassion.

  258.  #258Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:48 am

    sometimes I feel so sane on here. Like I make sense and have something to contribute.

    other times, I feel like a total nut job who is completely losing it.

  259.  #259ruth on August 3, 2012 at 6:49 am


    One minute at a time

  260.  #260April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 6:49 am


    Can you forgive yourself, your inner boy, your little girl?
    You have done nothing wrong.

  261.  #261Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:52 am

    why do i have to be in the middle of things? I always feel like the almost-girlfriend who the men still have feelings for when they get REAL girlfriends and then I feel like this evil temptress who they look at with a mix of attraction and guilt and pity BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS ALONE AND I AM SO !@#$!@#$ TIRED OF BEING ALONE!!!

  262.  #262Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:53 am

    My comment went into moderation and that makes me feel really guilty and embarassed.

    I feel pressure to be a good example to others and I’m not, I’m a mess, and I don’t know who would want to follow my example…

  263.  #263Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:56 am

    I feel such rage and I don’t know why it’s coming up now and I feel hatred for my ignorance. COMPLETE AND TOTAL HATRED.

    I want my Mom. but I feel like she doesn’t love me and she wouldn’t understand but I know that’s not true and I feel guilty for even thinking that…

  264.  #264Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 6:59 am

    @258 Ruth – that felt so soothing. thanks. it’s not out of me yet though…

  265.  #265Tam on August 3, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Thank you Ruth, FW and P-lala.
    Just got back from my little job.
    And saw all these pics running down my fb wall of MrU, my friend and his new gf partying and boating (2 days in a row, we never did that)…and I just thought: oh nooo…and all of them commenting on fb including MrU, and I was feeling so resistant to it all, like ‘so he is friends with them, and people he hardly knows and not me)…and I felt angry, sad and a whole host of emotions.
    And then I sank into my emotions. And I decided to do two things. Because I can’t feel any more sad and downtrodden, I am so low it’s the bottom.
    So I decided to feel happy for my friend who has a new gf (who is now also MrU’s fb friend..), and I sent him a message saying that I am so happy for him (he has a bad time with another girl before), and that the girl looks lovely and pretty (she does). Normally I’d never have done that but actually, the positivity of it made me feel a little better.
    And then I decided to ‘like’ a few pictures…and I decided to put one or two comments, nice ones. And the girl, whom I don’t even know, commented nicely to me also. And that made me feel good too.
    Just a little.
    I am fed up with being sad and angry and sad. I want to be happy again.
    Babysteps. I don’t want to close my eyes of what is the reality even if it triggers me.

  266.  #266Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:00 am

    @259 April Rose – I don’t understand! Why should I have to forgive myself if I’ve done nothing wrong???

  267.  #267Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I feel exhausted and somewhat relieved but part of me still feels like I need to have a good long angry sob…

  268.  #268ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:06 am

    then sob lama

    Let it out

    You are exhausted too, and that will not be helping

  269.  #269Linda on August 3, 2012 at 7:06 am

    I feel that my life and attitude has made a shift. It is not complete by any means but I have made progress. I feel lighter, and dare I say happy at times.

    I feel curious and concern about maintaining this. I know me. I know feeling positive and our outlooks on life are a choice… and it affects our vibe etc.

    I see that lots write about attracting what we want in our lives. I feel so ready for that. It just feels like it lots of work some days. I have never thought of myself as “miss suzy sunshine”…. Some days I feel I am going on my own steam and I am running dry. I do lots of things that make me happy, but honestly they are a diversion. I would love nothing more than to “know my man” right now! Part of me feels impatient and foot stomping. Part of me feels disapproving of that and feel like a negative voice playing telling me I will be alone for the rest of my life. This probably convolutes my vibe for sure.

    I dont want to be alone for a long time. That feels so despressing and disheartening to me. Part of me feels like I will dry up and blow away… or become mean and hateful and sour!….

    I can be busy and happy doing my thing, being me, I know though that I wil not be content in that alone. I want a man in my life too I need to feel his energy coming toward me, energizing the things that feel like so much work to me right now.

    How is the good path I am on continue flowing? You know they say “the heart wants what the heart wants” There is no contentment without that for me.

    How do some of you sirens do that…keep yourselfs going and positive and happy all the time? I feel I will fail and dont want more of the same in my life.

  270.  #270ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Yes Tam, when you are at rock bottom the only way is up

    and that in itself is a posttive thing

  271.  #271Healing Waterfall on August 3, 2012 at 7:10 am



    Hi MissStix thanks for your uplifting posts…

    Last night I CDed myself and took myself to the most beautiful beach. I stayed until the moon came up and it felt SO soothing hearing the waves lick the shore rythmyically and the moon looked orange when it came up and so full, i felt its presence so strongly in my heart. I drove home and couldn’t stand to go in the house so I drove to a field and just watched the clouds go over the moon for a half hour and felt kinship with the moon, It felt so nourishing, it opened up my channels and I received messages about trusting the love that is here in the universe and going for feeling good, everyday….

    i have felt that way in the mornings many times. I know just how you feel.

    The sun is coming out, so I feel compelled to go back to the beach and work there on my grading…..

  272.  #272ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Linda do you CD

  273.  #273Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I wish I had a better relationship with my older sister. I would love to talk to her about this stuff, but she hates talking about this kind of stuff, she hides how she feels with pretty much everyone.

    how is she happily married? is she just open and feeling with her husband?

    I feel jealous of her…

  274.  #274Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:14 am


  275.  #275ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:14 am

    271 lama-how do you know she is happily married?

  276.  #276Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:15 am

    I feel so scared of having kids before all of my crap is healed. I remember what it was like, seeing my mom go through this, and not understanding, and feeling guilty…

  277.  #277Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:18 am

    I feel angry because I feel like my Mom lied to me instead of giving me advice because she didn’t want me to be in love or get married so that we would always “need” each other.

  278.  #278ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:18 am


    Phew, that triggered me a bit

    Ive never had kids-and maybe it wasnt just because of my career

  279.  #279Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:19 am

    @274 ruth – I don’t really know. I love my brother-in-law though. He is really romantic and sweet to my sister.

  280.  #280Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:24 am

    @277 ruth – I’m sorry I triggered you. I feel very mothered by you right now though, and it feels wonderful, even though its not the same with this being the internet and all…

    you are sweet and wonderful.

  281.  #281Butterfly Wings on August 3, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Ha! TH came upstairs to get a drink a few minutes ago. I’d turned off all the lights and was trying to sleep, but thanks to this cold, all I’m doing is coughing.

    Next minute he turns my bedroom light on and brings me a cup of tea, saying it will help me sleep.

    That was really sweet of him and very surprising!

    It feels good to be looked after! 🙂

  282.  #282Linda on August 3, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Yes Ruth I CD. I am online… no bites for a while. I have no men in my rotation or prospects in my sites.

    I dont seem to be attracting anything just blank space.

  283.  #283ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:27 am

    good grief, no need to apologize Lama

    Im fine

    It was an interesting little blip, thats all

    Im quite happy with no kids—but perhaps my reasons for not wanting were because I hadnt healed stuff

    And I hadnt
    Just never thought of it like that

  284.  #284Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 7:27 am

    April Rose,

    239 – His email address is BJ, and altho I don’t exactly like the reference there, it helps me to remember how to refer to him without actually giving his real name.

  285.  #285Becki on August 3, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Thank you Ruth. Probably I should have asked how I can be more enticing to VP or what I can do for me do that other people would notice and maybe help VP to see I may be worth looking past my relationship baggage.

    It was UD suggestion that if my heart is no longer with him that one of us should move out. To put him off as long as possible I have told him I don’t know what I want.

    UD has 2 grown children and they have cost me a lot of grief over the years. One is trying to move back in and has major mental issues (bi polar which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but he is drug and alcohol dependent which is a HUGE problem in a manic depressive)

    I have a soon to be 11 yr old that can’t be subjected to that. UD has not told him no which I’ve said is the only answer. He’s just told him “we’ll see”.

    His 20 yr old daughter still lives there and does nothing but sit on the couch all day. She washes dishes and occasionally sweeps the floor. I’m not allowed to delegate more chores, take away any priveleges and soon I’m going to be expected to be her taxi cab and bus her back and forth to school and a job when she gets one.

    I’ve been through HELL with this man and stuck by him for our daughters sake but he is much too hard on her and she cries nearly every day asking me to please break up with him. She is truly miserable as well and I am now at a place where I have the courage to leave, and no guilt about splitting her dad and I up.

    I now see staying is very unhealthy to her and she’s at an impressionable age and I don’t want her to think what I deal with in a relationship is ever ok

  286.  #286Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 7:29 am


    904 from the “Affirmations” thread – “Glad you feel good about what I wrote, Radlove
    To face politeness instead of a gentle ‘no’ at junctures frustrates me in a deep way.. I sympathize so so much.

    I dont know R, but from what you write it seems to me you are winning all there is to win. He seems such an entrenched dreamer. Enjoys dreaming and philosophising about perfect love/woman more than he would enjoy everyday life with a real woman, even if she were super sireny.
    Which is OK.

    I hope, cause I feel very often the same with men.”

    Sia, I appreciate everything you say here, thanks.

  287.  #287ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Linda, ah, I see then why you feel like this

    the on line dating thing seems to be very variable
    i hope some nice men come along for you soon

  288.  #288Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:31 am

    @270 Healing Waterfall – thanks so much for helping me feel not alone, not like a crazy person.

  289.  #289Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Hi ““miss suzy sunshine”. I felt giggly reading that. I can embrace being ““miss suzy sunshine””, even for a short while

  290.  #290Healing Waterfall on August 3, 2012 at 7:34 am

    no you are not alone, your little girl needs your lovin, is there something special you could do with her today?

    you can heal this……

  291.  #291Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 7:35 am


    248 – Thank you! I feel excited! And I have a second CD, Scuba, who also sounds very promising! I’m actually finding quality men!

  292.  #292Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:36 am

    I feel tired and my heart feels ouchy.

  293.  #293Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Turquoise and Ruth,

    Thank you!

  294.  #294Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Here’s what I’ve concluded about R. I was so deeply wounded in 2009, that there is a piece in me which is still broken and confused. I just can’t see it objectively and clearly.

    I know the best thing for me is to get him out of my life. But that remains a very very difficult thing. I think it will be easy if one of these CDs turns out to be a keeper!

    But after all these years of being alone for the most part, I am just going crazy with no companionship. I will feel so much more able to function if I feel the joy of companionship. I just can’t be alone anymore.

  295.  #295Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Becki I feel sympathy for your situation but honesty is always the best way to deal with men. I can’t imagine doing all that for my kids when they get to 20 years old but telling him no about them would only be triggering his resistance button. I would lean towards saying what I don’t want in my life if I was in that situation. Seems like a very tough one to navigate.

  296.  #296ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Becki, well,Id focus your attentions on getting on out of thre and taking good care of you and your daughter
    VP, surely is secondary to all that for now

    he will stick around if he is worth it

  297.  #297ruth on August 3, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Radlove, you will have to share which site you are on
    It seems to ne a good one!

  298.  #298Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Healing Waterfall I love your beautiful poetry

  299.  #299Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:50 am

    my so-called friend invited me to hang out with our friends tonight, and I’m pretty sure Jack CD is going to be there.

    and so-called friend and Jack CD are like magnetically attracted to each other.

    I don’t know why I can see it with them, and see a relationship happening with them,

    when I can’t see it as well with me and Jack CD, even though he sometimes pays me a lot more attention than her.

    sometimes it even feels like he trying to show me that he is choosing me over her.

    but I’m never sure. its just something I vaguely feel.

    but then I feel angry because I’m like “if she’s such a temptation, then what’s the point?”

    and I feel so weird about it, because she and I look a lot a like, and respond a lot a like, we just have some slight differences.

    I would say I’m more outgoing.
    I would say I’m also more scared of relationship, but I can’t know that for sure.

    the one guy she’s ever been in love with is still very much in her life.

    my one guy got married, and we no longer speak.

    She’s more book-smart.
    I’m maybe a little more emotionally along, but it’s just because I’m older.

    and I hate comparing the two of us like this.
    because I love her
    and I love me too, I do.

    I don’t know what I want.

    I think a huge part of me wants Jack CD to get to know her as well as he knows me, and then to just…choose me.

    I long to feel chosen by someone who has options.

    Jack CD knows I have options.
    Maybe he longs to feel chosen by me.

    I feel so triggered by the email I got from Rori talking about Imaginary Relationship.

    I am in an Imaginary Relationship with Jack CD.
    We are friends, and this is painful and possibly pointless.

    and while I would love to “get out there and CD”
    I feel too broken.

    The last real date I feel like I went on was in February. and I used feeling messages, and cried there right in front of this guy I barely knew about really deep things that I feel like are a little too personal to talk about on a first date.

    but I was just trying to be authentic.
    and I felt tired and sad.
    and truthfully I didn’t want to be sitting there in the car with him.
    and I figured “why not just tell the truth?”
    of course, I didn’t tell him “the truth” that I didn’t want to be sitting there in the car with him.

    that would be so mean.

  300.  #300Memulo on August 3, 2012 at 7:54 am

    He called me yesterday but didn’t leave a message. I did not communicate back. Perhaps I shou

  301.  #301Memulo on August 3, 2012 at 7:54 am

    He called me yesterday morning but didn’t leave a message. I did not communicate back. Perhaps I should call him today?.

  302.  #302Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I feel like I attract divorced people. Which makes no sense to me, since I have never been married. How could divorced people and I have a connection?

    but we do.

    and I feel angry at them, because their relationships were not “imaginary.” They had “real” relationships and had “real” wedding rings and even “real” children to prove that they used to be in love.

    I have no proof.
    I feel disbelieved by everyone and that makes me feel so angry.

  303.  #303Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Perhaps you should Memulo. But a siren who is busy with her life experiencing good self-esteem wouldn’t. It could have been a pocket dial.

  304.  #304Becki on August 3, 2012 at 8:00 am

    I did try the “I don’t think it’s a good idea” and gave very good reasons why although back then I knew nothing about feeling messages. Told him I am a nurse and if we ever got caught with drugs in our home I would lose my license and worse lose my daughter. He let him move anyways.

    He drank a lot and brought drugs in (after UD said he wouldn’t) he had a bag he put in my car before I was going to take him to see a friend. I looked through the bag and found a pot pipe and weed. Was livid to say the least.

    Told UD and didn’t even sink in to him that had I got pulled over, it was MY car that would get impounded and me who would have gone to jail (and my daughter would have been in the car as well)

    I do not want to go through that again. Worse, he is a cutter and I never want my daughter to EVER see such an episode.

    He has been given an ultimatum which I fully intend on following up on. Son comes, we go. I just worry son will come before I have the means to go

  305.  #305Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 8:06 am

    I take it back. I met the sweetest guy in the world who was in this band that broke up a few months ago, but I got to hear them before they broke up.

    and I heard them on their CD before I heard them live.

    so I checked them out on their website.
    and I found this song of theirs that I love, that talks about a severed two year relationship.
    and I talked to them online and told them that I loved that particular song.
    and so the band member who wrote it friended me on facebook after that.
    and I have lyrics on my facebook about “my big heartache”

    and then i got to meet the band member. and he is so gorgeous and sweet and he laughs at like every single thing I say.

    but he lives far away, and recently got a girlfriend and looks so stinking happy in his pictures that it honestly makes me feel happy and hopeful.

    and I feel like he “believes” me and is routing for me.

    of course, he doesn’t know that I wasn’t in “an actual relationship” with someone that I never called my boyfriend.

    it doesn’t matter that it was the most real thing in the world to me.

    it was !@#$ imaginary.

    I feel REALLY triggered by the term “Imaginary Relationship.”

    I do believe in them.
    I see beautiful women on here who are clearly in them.

    but I feel angry being told that those are the only kinds of relationships I’ve been in…

  306.  #306Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Becki:-I did try the “I don’t think it’s a good idea” – is very masculine and suggesting his thinking is flawed.

    “Told him I am a nurse and if we ever got caught with drugs in our home I would lose my license and worse lose my daughter” – suggests you are smart and he isn’t. Also that you are the protector and he has no say in HIS daughter’s life.

    ” Was livid to say the least” – how did you express this.

    “He has been given an ultimatum” – these never work.

    I encourage you to look at how the “my daughter” might feel to him. Also I am wondering if you earn more than him because of the reference to “my car”.

    The comments suggest to me that you are not “choosing relationship” here. Are you?

  307.  #307Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 8:25 am

    “The trick to not letting “hurt” from the past get to you NOW – is to realize that YOU are in control of so much more than you give yourself credit for.

    Remember – YOU were THERE! You did things, and said things, and tolerated things. You were THERE. That means…


    This means you can CHOOSE to be there or not when you don’t feel good about what’s going on.

    You can choose to stay quiet and accept poor treatment and no love, or you can choose to Speak your Truth. You can choose to practice being brave – not by arguing, but by doing what feels GOOD. Not what feels like “revenge” – or “getting it off your chest” – but by telling the Truth. Sharing what you feel – no matter how angry it is – in a way that OWNS your feelings, rather than making HIM responsible for them.

    In order to be hurt – you have to be there.”

  308.  #308April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Every few minutes (when I remember) I turn towards the parts of my mind that are making me feel bad. I try to forgive them. I intend to lift the pressure off my soul.

    My soul is innocent. It has done nothing wrong. It is attracting bad judgement, hatred, pressure, anger etc. out of habit. This is what it found when it came to Earth. I want to heal this.

  309.  #309Tam on August 3, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I don’t know if it really is time for the no friends speech. The month of experimenting is over this weekend, there has been no contact for almost 2 weeks and the unresolvedness is killing me.
    The fact that I do get triggered time and time again, and it will get worse when I start to see pics of him and women (so far none but they will come), just tells me that ‘staying friends’ isn’t possible.
    And must I wait for this until he gets in contact again?
    I kind of want a clean break. I can’t go on waiting to hear from him or waiting to get triggered by something.
    I really am lost now, as to what to do.
    Doing nothing feels like the easy and the wrong option.

  310.  #310Memulo on August 3, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Haha thank you FW;)

  311.  #311Annie on August 3, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Becki, are you in uk?
    Why would you go?
    Isn’t it your house aswell?
    If you are in uk and you are married with a young child you don’t have to go anywhere.
    It’s him who would have to go find somewhere else to live and take son with him not you.

    If you don’t want drugs in your house and don’t want to put yourself or daughter in that situation you don’t want it.

  312.  #312Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Tam what do you want to do?

  313.  #313bloom-ing on August 3, 2012 at 8:34 am

    overall sense of urgency, i can drop it

    i enjoy slow, easy, flowing movements

    yum i like frantic jolting too like lightning

    lightning dance, thunder rumble…. rain….

    tummy tight tingling energy not bad i can get things done fast – like a swimmer on the block before a race

    or, turn on my back, stare at the ceiling, watch the water patterns reflect the light & shimmer vaguely like overlapping jellyfish, no hurry

    i’m strong & light & peaceful, & taken-in

  314.  #314bloom-ing on August 3, 2012 at 8:37 am

    april rose, yummy : ) thanks for sharing that!

  315.  #315Tam on August 3, 2012 at 8:37 am

    If I wasn’t so hung up, I could stick it out for 8 weeks, and get back and see what happens. I know that would be my best bet and just keeping quiet.
    But what would happen, the same thing again and again? Who’s to say.

    But it feels like pretending, like pretending all is well when nothing feels well. When I feel like I am being ripped apart.

    If I say no to friends all is clear. And then all will be clear also in 8 weeks. And if he stays away everything will be clearer even. I just want clarity…or do I?

    I feel so confused. And I am supposed to go on a date tomorrow and it’s one of these insecure guys, the one who when I don’t write back to him within minutes will send a follow up text saying’busy, I guess???’…and I just can’t bear to meet up with this guy tomorrow. And spend a whole day making him feel good about himself…he is ‘fragile’. I am fragile too, and I am the girl!! I am the girl!! 🙁
    I feel so lost.

  316.  #316Annie on August 3, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Tam if you initiate you are leaning forward and chasing.
    Masculine energy.

    Do you want to be in masculine or feminine energy.

    If you don’t want to be his friend and he isn’t contacting you the friendship will just evaporate anyway.No closure needed.

    If he contacts and you do not want the friendship have you your no friends speech ready?

  317.  #317MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Gonna try this from the computer instead of the iphone…

    Fingers crossed! c’mon comment, show up lol

  318.  #318MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

    YES! 😀

    Victory is mine!

  319.  #319Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 8:46 am

    “I want you to ALWAYS feel SAFE with yourself – and the need to answer back is our training in “politeness” and has to do with our need for ‘closure.”

    I want you to STOP looking for Closure and simply walk away when it doesn’t feel good.

    However, many decent guys who are simply “clueless” have very “low-class” tastes and language – and THAT can be fixed. Anyone can change that about themselves, along with quitting all kinds of icky habits – if they WANT to. That’s where your work comes in.

    Either a man shifts when you shift to loving yourself and stopping servicing him and every man who shows up – even with “politeness” – or he doesn’t.

    There is no need for any EFFORT on your part.”

  320.  #320Tam on August 3, 2012 at 8:46 am

    310 FW, I don’t know, I feel confused. I want this to stop and I want my feelings to go away. I want to not care. I want to be able to not care and be friends and have zero romantic feelings – but it’s just not going to happen, is it?!

    314 Annie, I can set my calendar/clock or whatever that he will contact me within the next 8 days, unless I am totally deluded, that has been the pattern. The problem is with the ‘no friends speech’ that he won’t have it. He goes mad and calls, texts, emails, because he thinks I am feeling low (which yes, it is the case) and he is worried about me. So he would never accept not being friends because as far as he is concerned, it’s impossible because we have been so close. When I have previously said I did not want to be friend he either bugged me until I gave in (he was truly worried about me), or he respected it – and came back after 2-3 months because he ‘forgot’ the deal or tried to start a relationship with me.

    And to make the mess worse, I spent 2 years trying to convince myself that he has issues (which he has), but I have the same ones!!! And I convinced myself that he was ‘bad for me’ when it was me who was bad for me.

  321.  #321P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Iamabutterfly –
    At 48, I too have come to the understanding that I have only ever had imaginary relationships…even though I have been married twice and have a child.
    After coming to that realization, I felt so alone and so ashamed that I had fallen/stumbled into these relationships and I called them love, but they were actually obsesion, ambivalence…even contempt. I was too broken to see that not only was I not loved, but I, too, did not love. How painful!

    I feel so tender toward your pain and want embrace you and let you know that love is possible…I know it now. Rori, the tools and the women here have helped me to heal the parts of myself that accepted less-than-love and shown me how to become myself. Until I became myself, I could not be loved because I did not allow myself to exist.

    Today, the world of love has awoken in response to my open heart…which blooms wider every day. I see it happening in you, too.

    I believe in love for you and with you. You are lovely.

  322.  #322Tam on August 3, 2012 at 8:59 am

    it feels like whatever I do is not satisfactory for me. Doing nothing is like silently inviting him, saying no to friends is like egging him on to ‘try harder’.
    It’s a no win situation for me, and I just want to walk the least painful and best path for me…and I can’t see it.

    it’s not about finding closure, it’s about finding my inner peace. I don’t seem to be able to do it.

  323.  #323Tam on August 3, 2012 at 9:00 am


  324.  #324MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Ok I don’t know if this comment will show up or not but I’m off to the beach!

    Thank you waterfall for the inspiration to take myself out!

  325.  #325Healing Waterfall on August 3, 2012 at 9:05 am

    thanks FW for commenting on my poetry
    i feel touched and happy that you liked it

  326.  #326bloom-ing on August 3, 2012 at 9:10 am

    miss stix, sometimes when i get a failed post attempt, i can go “back” in my browser & recover the text, so i can copy-paste it into an email for myself…. or wait a bit & try to post again. hope that helps : )) sometimes i can even go back & back & back to recover multiple failed entries ! : )

  327.  #327bloom-ing on August 3, 2012 at 9:15 am

    healing waterfall, your outdoor adventures sound lovely, peaceful, & freeing : ) thanks for sharing your inspiration!

  328.  #328bloom-ing on August 3, 2012 at 9:21 am

    i’ve been being a freaking ball of sunshine in my home this week & now i find myself getting “annoyed” at every single time i see cd’s face not-smiling…. peace, i allow him to have his full range of human emotions wow i did not expect to feel that so strongly, i really love him & because i love him, i really really want him to feel good & safe having any mood around me & i intend to release myself from any “questioning” around what “i did” to “create” a mood in him… i don’t control his feelings, i’m not responsible for his feelings, i support & love him in his feelings. very good. yum

    got home & had a lovely evening. excited to go home tonight : ) mittens the kitten ! i call him mittens he’s so sweet but that’s not his name. when i call his name, he’ll come, but not to cuddle. he just wants food. the dog comes too when i call mittens but she just is jealous of the cat & wants everything the cat gets : ) i pet them both at once & i get mad that cd wants to pet them “by turns” pet them both at once so they see there is enough love for everyone ! oh well not my hands, i make double love with my hands i’m a conjuring wxtch : ) i do good work safely no chemicals lol…. hmmm my mind like a ball of yarn, i can unwind it….

  329.  #329Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 9:25 am

    ((((P-lala))))) Thank you for your insight. I feel confused and don’t understand how your marriages could be considered “Imaginary.” Maybe the real you wasn’t fully “there” inside them, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t real!

    I feel confused but relieved and comforted too.

    I ate lunch and took a nap.
    amazing the relief that provides!

  330.  #330Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 9:27 am

    I need to get off of here and focus on something else. Thanks for letting me spam the blog, and for your encouraging words, everyone!

  331.  #331P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Thanks for the hugs, sirens 🙂

    iamabutterfly – yes, I believe it was imaginary because neither of us were actually ‘in it.’ We were both pretending and unconscious, but called it a relationship…there was no relating.

    I’m going to follow your cue and get off the blog for now…I’m not working today and it would feel good to be productive and get somethings cleaned up around the house.

    Blessed day to all the sirens!

  332.  #332Becki on August 3, 2012 at 9:37 am


    The story is so long…except for the ultimatum the masculine way I responded was almost 2 years ago. Before things changed. I changed before I found this website. Never really understood why things seemed to change to my benefit by this way until I came here

    I got fed up and instead of standing my ground and fighting tooth and nail, I gave up (not in).
    I quit complaining and focused all my energy on me. Quit folding his underwear (oddly enough this action was the reason he knew something was different with me)

    I do a lot wrong but I’ve realized I lean back, WAY back and he’s trying to help me where I begged and pleaded for years to deaf ears. In fact I don’t just lean back, I gave up and closed up nearly completely.
    He responds by giving more but he’s done me so wrong for so long that I’m over the whole relationship.

    Since I quit fighting for me and begging and pleading for help and fairness and a place at being an equal partner he has finally gotten to the point where he’s stopped hurting me with his hands (but still uses abusive words)

    He makes more but the car is mine because I pay the loan. We also have a truck that’s in my name but I call that his and when I leave I’ll sign it over to him. The house is in our name, but I don’t want it either and he knows this

    Guilty as charged on the “my daughter” stuff but he let’s me know how the other 2 are HIS and I have no power over them or control. Guess its my way of letting him know you may control how I can react to yours but mine is my flesh and blood and you cannot control how I choose to raise her.

    Petty and selfish I know but my thinking was always “how does it feel to be powerless like me”

    I’m choosing to no longer be in this toxic relationship because it’s far too painful and loveless

  333.  #333Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I feel scared to hang out with my friends tonight, and scared not to…

    I don’t know what to do and that feels shaky and uncertain and pathedic if I end up spending the night alone at home. There are only so many Friday nights in a lifetime…

  334.  #334Becki on August 3, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I’m in the U.S.
    The house is ours and he has offered to leave and let me have it but I never wanted it in the first place. He chose it and I hate it. Was one of those control issues. It suited his needs so he bought it.
    Was forced on me as I was neieve and the man we bought it from said I HAD to sign for it since we were married and it would be legally mine as well anyways 🙁

  335.  #335Becki on August 3, 2012 at 9:50 am

    FW, that hit home for me

    “In order to be hurt – you have to be there”

    I feel that, thank you

  336.  #336T-Girl on August 3, 2012 at 10:24 am

    221 Turq,

    About the playing games, I do feel that men equate women with playing games. I heard that quite a bit in my early days with J.

  337.  #337T-Girl on August 3, 2012 at 10:26 am


    I’m still catching up on posts but I just saw that you have a date planned. I’m so excited for you! I can’t wait to hear how it goes.

  338.  #338T-Girl on August 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

    BW, to me it is so strange that a FB status is such a key factor to him in your relationship. I like Facebook, but it has no place in a relationship.

  339.  #339April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 10:40 am

    I feel frightened of my own mind.

    It tells me this man is good.

    Next thing it tells me that he is scarey controlling and to run from him.

    How can I trust my mind?

    I fear my mind is not to be trusted.

    When Rori says “Trust yourself” what part of yourself does she mean?

  340.  #340T-Girl on August 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I love how J is stepping up in a fatherly role to my daughter. She starts high school next week, so last night we had a family meeting about grades, chores and her allowance, all initiated by him. Then he told us that he doesn’t say it enough but he is really glad that we are there (meaning living there).

    In other news, a few weeks ago I mentioned that the guy that brought me to this website e-mailed me and said that he should have jumped on the chance to be with me (it was over 1.5 yrs ago). This morning I logged into my IM and saw that he tried to contact me two other times since – the latest was last Monday. It just really surprised me since I told him I am in a fantastic relationship for over a year now. I remember being head over heals for him and now I am so grateful we are not together.

  341.  #341April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I trust my heart.

    Its priority – taking care of me.

    No need to run from men. Stand firm and feel my feelings. Scarey ones and all.

  342.  #342T-Girl on August 3, 2012 at 10:44 am

    337 April Rose,

    I hear you about the trusting yourself. How are we to know? I remember feeling the same way when J and I got together, my mind was telling me that this man was different then all the other men I dated. But I jumped in feet first and followed my intuition. And then I found that J’s actions met his words. That is when I knew I made the right decision.

  343.  #343Tam on August 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

    I don’t trust my heart anymore, that’s the big problem.

  344.  #344Linda on August 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I still dont know how to maintain my shift?

    I feel my masculine energy rarring up inside me. Wanting to plan, fix, do. I Hate week-ends with no plans. That is something I can remember since I was a little little girl.. OMG…. I just had a flash back. My dad sitting in the chair, with a open beer on the floor, watching TV mindlessly. HeeHaw was not my idea of a way to spend a Saturday night!… We never did anything together on the week ends. Now my life feels like this again!… I would hate it when the bell rang and was time to go home on Friday. I remember the sinking feeling, bordom.

    My life FEELs like this again ! I like to have things planned and things to do. I might go crazy!

  345.  #345Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 10:51 am


    Confusion often is simply RESISTANCE to what your real feelings are. As though your head and all your old patterns are trying to make something work that doesn’t actually feel good. Sometimes you just have to experiment to see who you really are and what you really want and like, and what really feels good to you.

  346.  #346April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

    I long for light butterfly fairy magic feelings, all pressures evaporated… teaparty summer’s afternoon lazy and fun…
    Bloom-ing, I love to read your posts and I feel happy that you give yourself the freedom of lightness, and play with pets and look at ceiling shimmers…
    aagh…that feels like holidays when I was a little child..wearing a happy little flowered bikini….my hands full of sand and pink shells…

    Now it feels spoiled by a dark grey wispy shadow which hangs about near and above me, always reminding me of Time…or Duty… or generally presenting an unease…it knows no butterflies, no fairy under a spotted mushroom. It is the bad fairy, the thirteenth one, the hag who pricked the princess’s finger and made her sleep for a hundred years…
    hello sweet hag, I say. She laughs and lays her rotten thumb on my back until I’m thinking of how unworthy I am of rainbow-coloured teapots or kicking through leaves without purpose.

    I’m wondering how to distract her, so I can put my bikini on and have a holiday again…

  347.  #347Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 10:54 am


    Power Struggles. Please be aware that your daughter is learning from the dynamics.

  348.  #348Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

    T-Girl I am not surprised. Now you are even more attractive to him.

  349.  #349Rori Raye on August 3, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Iamabutterfly – whatever this pattern is of yours – it has NOTHING to do with the men. YOU are at the center of all of this. You have some personal work to do to unravel all of this and turn it around as quickly as you want…yes…want – because it’s your determination to get out of this anger and blaming of yourself and them and getting into an attitude and mindset that will CHANGE things for you. OWNING all of this is WAY different than blame and frustration and anger and regret. Please start with my ebook, then go from there. We’ll help you here. Love, Rori

  350.  #350Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

    How To Get Over Him – Step-by-Baby Step, by Rori Raye

    Here’s a comment from Amy that speaks for all of us at one time or another:

    “Rori, does it really work? I tried all the feel good factor for yourself stuff and yet I am still suffering from missing my ex who has not contacted me for one month since the break up. Accepting is really hard.”

    Here’s my answer:

    Amy – welcome, and here’s the deal:

    We suffer.

    And…so what?

    Who said you had to “accept” – WHAT?

    You’re broken up. He’s gone. That’s what IS.

    Grieving and sadness and pain are feelings we feel.

    The depth of those unhappy feelings has a lot to do with subconscious impulses and triggers that we don’t even know about.

    The question to ask yourself is – am I going to let this sadness RUN ME?

    Am I gong to have what I want no matter what’s going on now?

    Can I accept what is and not fight it so I can keep living my life – no matter how BAD I feel?

    There’s nothing that says you can’t go on hikes and to free art classes and groups of all kinds and speed dating and have a coffee date every single night with a different man from…no matter HOW you’re feeling.

    Giving up unhappiness is a spiritual journey.

    We can talk about that if you like, and I touch on it in most of my programs.

    It means getting your head and thoughts off of other people, off of your past or future, and planted firmly in the present – where you allow your senses, your body and your heart to take over. My ebook will help you with this – it’s the Listening at Level 2 Tool.

    For now – try this:

    1. The moment you catch yourself thinking of your ex – really CATCH YOURSELF.

    Awareness is the major, crucial first step.

    The faster you catch yourself, the faster we’ll get out of this stuck space.

    2. Don’t do anything.

    This means you want to CATCH your thoughts, your actions, what you do next.

    I really mean that – don’t get to another thought in the same cycle you find yourself always going through without catching it.

    Your job here is to find the pattern you normally follow.

    If you start going to the next thought you always go to – blaming him, or blaming you, or thinking about an old conversation, or what you should have said, or…anything….CATCH YOURSELF AGAIN.

    If you start doing something you always do (eating, drinking, smoking, partying…) – CATCH YOURSELF and try something ELSE! (Search the posts here for ‘Channeling” and you’ll find how to make a list to work with…)

    We want to stop your spiraling downward.

    3. Now – discover the FEELING your body and heart is feeling that’s behind the thinking and words and pictures going through your mind.

    Zero in on your body – find where the tension is…and try to put a name to what you feel:

    Anger. Fear. Guilt. Sadness. Hope. Despair. Grief.

    See if you can discover OLD feelings getting tacked onto this experience – old grief, old fear, old assumptions about what will happen or why what happened happened.

    4. Let the feeling your feeling be with you

    If it’s a bunch of feelings, allow yourself to go from one to the other, and relax your body in small bits in the presence of each feeling.

    If they stay in a chaotic clump – that’s okay, too. Just feel the whole sense of chaos.

    You’ll likely need to get down on the floor to do this …you might not be able to stand up – and I don’t want you to try.

    5. Allow the feelings to overtake you – and notice if fear is getting stronger – or – surprisingly – starting to FADE!!

    Fear and pain is almost always about our fear of our fear. In other words, the most terrifying thing of all is US!

    We’re terrified of the depth of terror and rage within us…and we’ll do almost ANYTHING to keep from feeling it.

    Especially if we have some horrible past experiences that our egos rightfully want to keep us safe from feeling and from ever happening again.

    But the way to keep those bad experiences from happening again is to let your feelings surface – not by digging into the past – but by digging into the PRESENT!

    In other words – investigate yourself – NOW.

    See if you can relax while you’re feeling.

    See if you can ACCEPT your FEELINGS.

    Don’t worry about trying to “forget” him. Just make the conscious decision to not focus on him on purpose.

    Right now – he’s just an experience. If you can look at it as a learning experience (Alanis Morissette has an amazing song about that – I’ll find it and post it…) – you’ll get beyond it so much faster.

    And forget about forgetting about it. Just let it be a part of you that’s important in the building and revealing of who you are.

    Lovely thought, to me.

    It’s all about you.

    Love, Rori

    written by Rori Raye • Permalink • Leave a Comment »

    Friday, 27 August 2010 @ 1:53pm

  351.  #351Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 11:09 am


    297 – It is the dreaded craigslist! Rarely does it work so well for me! But I keep gravitating to it cuz I get the most responses…from real, local men. Plus Daria encouraged me to heal the belief that all men on CL want is sex. So I am giving it another shot.

  352.  #352April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 11:12 am

    “…See if you can ACCEPT your FEELINGS…”

    Oh boy. This is coming home to me now.

    I woke up in a feeling-state of terror this morning.

    I want to think it is about HIM, and that getting away from him will stop the terror.

    I keep remembering to feel grateful. To him, and to my commitment to myself. Grateful that he showed up to bring up these feelings in me so I can face them.

  353.  #353Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 11:17 am


    337 – Thank you!!!

  354.  #354April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I do feel afraid of him.

    Afraid that he is some kind of devil. I don’t trust my judgement – I thought he was an angel in that he brought up so much of my buried feelings and fears.

    I don’t trust myself to discern if he is dangerous and could harm me, or whether that is my own fear being amplified.

  355.  #355ReceivingGirl on August 3, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Hi Sirens!

    Had a minute before lunch ends.

    (((lama))) (((Tam))) (((Becki))) (((Sirens)))

    I’m feeling a bit blah today. Lunch isn’t sitting all that good in my tummy 🙁

    Going to get a car wash and give myself a pedicure when I get home. Mr. Observant is supposed to come over after his dinner plans. I feel curious, he’s been really quiet today. No text, no call, no FB…hmmm. I hope he’s feeling ok.

    Back to work!

  356.  #356Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 11:22 am

    “because it’s your determination to get out of this anger and blaming of yourself and them and getting into an attitude and mindset that will CHANGE things for you. OWNING all of this is WAY different than blame and frustration and anger and regret.”

    If only we could see that it is all about us. Bringing things back to ourselves and owning our stuff. It is our choice to heal. It is always a choice.

  357.  #357Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 11:23 am

    @349 Rori – Thank you so much, Rori. I have your ebook and Modern Siren, as well as about 4 of the Interview with the Relationship expert discs.

    I’ll read the ebook again.

    I honestly feel like there’s still so much I don’t understand on a practical level, though.

    Everything makes sense in theory, and the tools work, but I always feel like I get to this point…I’m always fine until I get to the point where it feels like a real relationship is JUST about to happen…and I completely freak out.

    any negative feelings that I’ve managed to quiet down start screaming at me, and since I always feel like “I’ve come so far” THIS time and I’m “almost” normal, and “almost” capable of doing this, just never “completely” normal or “completely” capable of doing the relationship thing.

    and I almost always feel like the guys either want to move way too fast, or then, when I finally feel like I’m ready, they never move fast enough.

    and then I spiral down and feel fear and unworthiness again…

  358.  #358April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 11:25 am

    I am learning in babysteps how to stand my ground.

    He didn’t want me to go away for two weeks on meditation retreat. It felt nice to be so wanted by him, so I didn’t book my retreat.

    Feeling wanted by a man is good until… it’s to the detriment of something so very important to me.

    He’s very upset since I told him I wanted to go, and that I needed it to feed my soul.

    I feel embarassed that I fell for this man and his magnetism. I feel strange that yesterday all I wanted to do was worship him.
    Now it looks to me like devil worship.

    Poor man has done nothing wrong. He is not a devil. It is my own darkness that gives me the terrors. Is it? How must I love my own dark nature if I don’t put it outside of me in the form of a man?

  359.  #359Tam on August 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Thank you Fw, I will read that now. I have decided to do nothing and ride it out.
    When he contacts I will re-think. It would be best if he disappeared completely.

  360.  #360Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Oh Gosh Tam. That remind me of Rori’s article on closure that I read this morning. In it she suggested that it is almost like we want to step over his dead body. Or something similar.

  361.  #361Tam on August 3, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Fw, thank you. That was a helpful article. I have decided to simply do nothing and ride out my feelings.
    I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, I am still confused, but I do not want to act and lean forward out of confusion. So far.

  362.  #362Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

    “For now, let’s work a bit with the concept of “Leaning Back.” Here’s a basic tip on how to do it:

    Notice how you’re sitting or standing when you’re with your man. Notice if your body is tilted forward or tilted backward. Notice if you’re leaning in to him, and he’s stretched out and leaning back – or if you’re leaning back and he’s sitting up and paying attention to you.
    If he’s leaning forward, notice how it feels, and if you’re leaning back, notice how it feels. Notice what he’s doing. Now SWITCH. Change your body position. Lean forward or backward. Now – see what happens to your man. He will most likely AUTOMATICALLY shift his position to COUNTER you.
    Now, whenever you feel like you’re working too hard, or want something from him he’s not offering, or feeling uncomfortable – notice that you’re probably leaning toward him and then SWITCH your body position to LEANING BACK.
    This is an almost magical way to shift the entire dynamic of your relationship in a very simple, fast way.

  363.  #363April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Sirens, does this description sound like a toxic man to anyone?

    He can’t bear to be apart from me for more than a day or two.

    He doesn’t want me to go away on meditation retreat.

    I said it’s important to me. I need it to feed my soul. I asked him “What feeds your soul?” he said “You”.

    I feel scared. That feels like ‘too much’. Surely I want a man who comes to me with his soul fed and full?
    Not one who is wanting me to fill him?

    Help, I feel so unsure and rocky underfoot…

  364.  #364Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Nanceen says:
    Yes it does work. Even if you do it on purpose. You can also just turn slightly but point your feet in the other direction. This is a good one and I noticed other men walking by staring at my feet when I was with my boyfriend (they get, she is with him but might stray? oh my!) Oh boy does it work. You just have to consciously keep yourself turned away and body parts pointed away. If you relax too much you start to drift back. Dont be tense though, just firm. When I visited my boyfriend before I got up he would go to his studio and start work. He wanted me to come over in awhile and I did. I hated sitting there feeling so self conscious and him saying nothing and me holding up the conversation. It was horrible. I did something different. I sat in a swivel chair, you know the kind you can twirl. I wore a dress and sat myself down, fluffed out my skirt, scooted over to a table with a book, picked it up and proceeded to read it and be absorbed. I turned away from him. He stared for awhile. I kept reading. He asked if i liked the book. I turned back a little, smiled a huge smile and said yes. Then I slowly, very slowy turned away in my chair and drifited back into my book. He rummaged around in the back and brought out some lovely dishes from a tag sale and offered them to me. I oohed and ahhed over them and then drifted back into my book. He was baffled. He began to whistle and play with my hair. Then he asked me if I was hungry and wanted something to eat and I said Oh yes,because I was hungry and we went out to eat. I never said more than five words. After lunch I said five magic words. “Thank you, that was great!” On the trip home I turned away and dreamed happy daydreams out the window. I tried to stay away from the fact he never said “I Love you.” I said nothing but monosyllables and kept my body AND feet pointed away. I daydreamed dreams that truly did lift me up, quoted bible scripture to myself. When he dropped me off in my yard, I just got my things and said lightly “goodbye” and proceeded to instpect my flowers with great interest. He came over and stood a few feet from me. I just glanced at him, smiled a little and said yes? He stared and stared his usual way of NEVER saying a word and poor me talking and talking and always being the one to come forward to hug goodbye. I did not move and struggled to stay in a nice daydream of enjoying the beautiful day. He mumbled “love you” and I melted and said “do you? I love you also.” I did not step forward. I just turned my palms up a little and my face and smiled. He awkwardly stepped in and hugged me goodbye. Progress not perfection is the goal here ladies. Also I am flirting with other men. It feels good. Doesnt last a long time but puts some pep in my step. Even if they are guys I would probably not get into a relationship with it feels really nice to let them caress me (visually and verablly) with their appreciation. Then I hightail it out of wherever i am (a store, the dry cleaners etc.) and plan not to go back for a few weeks. HEE HEE!!

  365.  #365NEW SIREN on August 3, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Tam 322

    I think if you make contact for the no friends speach it will put you back to square one. Initiating now might set you back, just my opinion tho.

    ((((Tam))))) ((((((Sirens)))))))

    Happy Friday everyone:)

  366.  #366NEW SIREN on August 3, 2012 at 11:51 am


    Also keep in mind if he is not contacting you he is not trying to be your friend so the speach might just perplex him.<3

  367.  #367April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I fear him because I think it is possible he may have the power to make me addicted to him.
    (Note: this is just my thoughts, and yet the power of thoughts is what strikes terror into the heart)

    Just look at me yesterday – all I wanted to do was to serve him and worship him with my body and soul. I was all-out surrendered.

  368.  #368Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 11:57 am

    April Rose he sounds like a man who is emotionally engaged and emotionally available to you. I would just assume that is his “language”.

  369.  #369Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    April Rose it is my belief that when the feminine is in its true natural flow it draws the masculine like a fly to honey, like metal to magnet. The fear I believe is not necessary here as there is no need for defending. I would say experiment with conscious “turning your body, your feet” at an angle away from him while you are togeter and see what happens.

  370.  #370Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    And the last thing on earth you want to do is go over there and – no matter HOW you express it to him, it will seem to him like this: You are begging, pleading, crawling on your hands and knees (even if you’re angry or even-tempered and reasonable it will look like this to him), humiliating yourself to him, trying to get him to “tell you” what you need to do and failed to do to get his love.

    It will repel him. Wouldn’t that repel YOU? Yes, of course it would.

    And the chances that it will make YOU feel powerless and embarrassed and undignified and awful are, to me, not worth the gamble that you might get something off your chest and reel relieved.

    The absolute best thing you can do is AGREE with him!

  371.  #371MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    April rose

    I feel connected to you right now.

    I feel strange using feeling messages today. Just weird. I am going to shift into my head, and personality for this post. I hope you don’t mind 🙂

    Omg In the earlier days of my realtionship with G I had the most intense urges to worship him! With my ex-husband physical touch was a big way for me to express my love. It got to the point where he would give me a look and I knew he wanted me to scratch/ rub his head, back, legs…I never recieved in return. Gosh that’s a painful part of my past…I’m digressing.

    Losing those urges was difficult, and I still get them from time to time.

    A super simple method I used was to only give into those urges when he had “worshipped” me first. Could be he told me “i love you” randomly, or played with my hair a bit, or kissed me for no reason. etc. Even then I would only do it for a short period of time. I would rub his back a little. Usually until he would say “that feels so good!”. Once those words were uttered I would say “oh thats good” or “I’m glad”, and continue for maybe another minute, Tops! Then stop. Kiss him. Move on.

    It feels much healthier to me. I don’t want to show him affection in an overwhelming way. It was a very painful thing with my ex.

    Hope my experiences help you! Hugs!

  372.  #372Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Rori Raye says:
    Natural Goddess – Evan Mark Katz wrote an article about this – and I’m going to post some excerpts from it – where he says clearly that the only thing that matters about a man is whether or not he loves you unconditionally. And I would add – PERMANENTLY. A guy who’s fluttering around is just a boy toy, or someone to date, or someone to appreciate as a “muse” or to treat like you would a movie star you’ve got a crush on – just like in high school. You just don’t serve yourself by considering a man like that as anything but PRACTICE – and if you care too much – that’s a sign that you’ve got a toxic thing going and you’re WANTING to HURT YOURSELF. So – go with what feels good… Love, Rori

  373.  #373Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    sirens, what should I do tonight? I don’t want to avoid my friends, but I’m afraid of my feelings and of putting too much of my focus on Jack CD.

    genuinely feel my feelings.
    speak my feelings.
    touch objects.

    anything else?

  374.  #374April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Thank you, Miss Stix

    I need to learn to turn it all back on myself. Or at least tone it down a little.

    Even in my astrology chart I have a huge aspect that signifies ‘squeezing oneself out into the partner’

    What worries me most about this man are some hidden dark parts (reflecting my own) that I have yet to encounter….

  375.  #375April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm


    Thank you for your impressions.

    I think the same ‘on a good day’.

    What’s happening with me is the swinging from joy with him one day, to terror the next. Will it ever settle down?

    This is about my relationship with myself, I guess. I’m learning so much, so fast.

  376.  #376MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Oops just saw you made another post too…

    I don’t think he sounds toxic. It seems to me as if he feels a strong need for your presence.

    Maybe try receiving his feelings very lightly, and airily and see how he responds. It might sound like this…

    smile…”It feels so good to hear that you want me near you. But going to this retreat is something I really need! A couple days apart won’t hurt. (smile) Besides i’ll miss you and it will feel that much better when we see each other again!”

    Wait for him to respond. I wouldn’t ask “what do you think?” in this scenario simply to draw him out from a feeling place, but it’s obviously up to you!

  377.  #377Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T. You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well. Sorry. That’s the Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what captives feel for their persecutors. That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.
    You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up.

  378.  #378Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Ask yourself why do I feel this terror. See if you are afraid to fall in love or believe you don’t deserve the big love you claim you want. If nothing is happening in his presence that triggering that (something he is doing) check with yourself to see what that trauma reaction is. It might be something he is doing that triggers or something about him that triggers a memory is what I am thinking.

  379.  #379MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    April rose


    I feel strange about my advice now. I believe it’s sound, but if this man is intense and scary I don’t know if what I said applies to you.

    Keep your eyes wide open, and keep very much in touch with your belly feelings.

    Definitely appraoch him and recieve him lightly. I think i’d be deep into “observation mode” with a man I was wary of.

  380.  #380Mel on August 3, 2012 at 12:41 pm


    Yesterday, for the first time, it felt like Mr A was ‘annoyed’ with me.

    And it’s funny, because I could sense that he felt made wrong even though I hadn’t said a blamey word. I was actually silent.

    And when I checked-in with myself I noticed, that I felt a little blamey inside. I was feeling judgmental and ‘right’ and he could sense that somehow.

    And his energy felt all closed and short and blamey and judgmental in return.

    But when I brought it back to myself and took responsibility and was honest, the dynamic changed completely.

    ‘I feel so left-out and I feel afraid that I’ll always feel a bit like I’m looking in on something that I can never quite get access to… and I feel sad that it might always feel like that. And…. I feel a bit selfish for wanting in, but I do.”

    His body relaxed and his voice softened and he “got me” without me ever having to explain or defend or justify or convince. I just felt.

    But I still feel afraid a bit. I feel afraid of being perceived as ‘difficult’ or ‘demanding’ or ‘overly sensitive.’ I am still working on this. I don’t always have to please. I don’t have to…

    But I can’t help feeling a bit like I need to overfunction now to make it right. I don’t. I won’t.

    It’s ok to feel Mel.

  381.  #381MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 12:41 pm


    Very well said!! #376

  382.  #382Mel on August 3, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    April Rose,

    I think it’s okay to ‘test’ him a bit. To see if you have any real reason to be afraid. Any prince should have to prove his worthiness to such a siren as yourself. Be open, but observant.

  383.  #383Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I don’t think I want to go anywhere and be around people tonight. It would feel good to take a warm bath, listen to music, journal, read a book…

    my body feels sore and sad and like it doesn’t want to be around people until she feels rested and limber and confident again.

  384.  #384MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Well since my earlier “feeling message” post disappeared into the internet black hole again I want to write another!

    I genuinely forget how I felt when I woke up today. This reminds me that I already wrote it down and it’s gone. I felt such despair to lose all those messages. I wrote to some of you sirens and I put so much feeling and effort into it. I wanted so badly to focus on you ladies and show you love and uplift you. I felt a reaching, stretching, and bending of my dynamic. I felt loss.

    I the uplifting came when I read of Radlove’s date, and of Waterfalls self time. I felt very connected with her in her persuit for melting with nature. Her desire to be anywhere but inside at home. Her words grabbed me by the toes and pulled me back to a time when I was green and fresh and discovering love for myself. I would drive and drive. Everywhere. Anywhere! I would dip into the ocean late at night in my bra and panties and breathe and feel. I would let natures energy seep into me, and allow my negativity to flow from me. I truely felt as though I was electric. I close my eyes now…I remember feeling vaporous. Like mist. Charged mist evaporating into sheer ecstasy. I remember my sorrows were a part of my solid self and they wouldn’t exist in the mist. Tears touch my eyes now. I needed so deeply to lose myself. To find my soul again. He never truely ripped it from me. I disconnected from it so it wouldn’t feel my pain.

    I need to stop. This is too much. I need to breathe.

  385.  #385Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    @382 Miss Stix – I feel connected to you and moved reading that. beautiful.

  386.  #386Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    I don’t know why I feel such physical soreness, since I haven’t done anything physically different really. Can loss of sleep cause soreness?

    I feel tired, sad, and sore in my head and in my mouth and teeth, shoulders, elbows, biceps, knees, calves and the front of my calves and my ankles.

    it feels really strange.
    I don’t feel crying though.
    I feel somewhat relieved and somewhat defeated…

  387.  #387Mel on August 3, 2012 at 1:15 pm


    I feel so moved and inspired by your words. I want to slip into the fresh water and let it carry my fears away.

  388.  #388MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    No. I can’t stop. I need this. I need to retch this up.

    I am strong now. I wasn’t strong that day. I knew…Deep in my core that something was wrong. I didn’t know what. I was fresh from my honeymoon. I was sick inside. When I finally drew it out of him I wasn’t strong. No. I was weak. I cry now but it’s ok. I need this. “i’m not in love with you anymore”. I dissipated. I collapsed at his feet. Sobs tore out from deep inside me. It killed. It hurt so bad I thought I might die there at his feet. I felt my soul rip me open and spill out of my body from my chest. And he sat down. He held me. The pain was physical. Chest tearing open. I felt ripped inside out and it was agony. I know I would have thrown up if I had eaten. I felt so much tension all day I couldn’t have chewed a bite.

    I need to stop again. I breathe now. I feel present again. My face, neck and chest feel wet. I cried more than I realized just now. I felt deep in the back of my mind writing that.

  389.  #389MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 1:34 pm


    Thank you!

    It was beautiful. I can still feel the bliss of those nights.

  390.  #390Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    @386 ((((((Miss Stix))))))) – You’re so beautiful and I feel so moved by your courage!

  391.  #391P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    #375 FW posted:
    “And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T. You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well. Sorry. That’s the Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what captives feel for their persecutors. That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.
    You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up. ”

    Yes, yes, yes…this is where I have always gone with the men who treated me badly. “…but I LOVE him..” blah…no I didn’t, and he didn’t love me either.

    True love is freeing, accepting and holds his lover loosely because she doesn’t want to squash her.

  392.  #392P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    #375 FW posted:
    “And don’t answer – “Oh, I love him…” Because you CAN’T. You can’t love a man who doesn’t love you and treat you well. Sorry. That’s the Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what captives feel for their persecutors. That’s what Jaycee Lee Dugard (the woman held captive by a deranged man for 18 years in a backyard) feels for the horrible, insane man who abducted her years ago.
    You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up. ”

    Yes, yes, yes…this is where I have always gone with the men who treated me badly. “…but I LOVE him..” blah…no I didn’t, and he didn’t love me either.

    True love is freeing, accepting and holds his lover loosely because he doesn’t want to squash her.

  393.  #393P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    sorry about the double post

  394.  #394Tam on August 3, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    358..FW, you made me laugh, thank you.
    Stepping over his dead body is definitely NOT what I want. Haha. And I think closure is just another fear of intimacy, i e we are pushing that away which we can’t control. So I am trying VERY hard not to do that, because it will achieve two things:
    1. I feed my fear of intimacy
    2. He will come running back to me because he reacts to rejection like a fly to honey.
    And I want neither of these things because they are not real, they are situational ERRORS.
    There is never going to be closure with this one anyway.
    However, I am sick and tired of going around in circles. And cutting contact would be the logical though totally impractical thing to do.
    He will think I have gone mad when I block him on fb and don’t answer his emails/calls/texts (if and when he comes back).
    And if nothing has managed to make him turn up on my doorstep, that probably will, because he will jump to the rescue of te perceived damsel in distress. And that is also NOT what I want.
    I am worrying about nothing..but for ages I tried to ‘quietly slip away’ – and it just isn’t working at all.
    Maybe something will change, something will have to change.
    It had changed before!!! When I had my bf and saw him first time after a few months, I was still soooo happy and he was too and we couldn’t stop hugging and chatting – however, I went back to my bf that evening and I never in a million years expected what happened in the following weeks, because I was done with MrU in that respect, so I thought.
    Short of avoiding him like the plague,
    he will always cause upheaval in my life. Nice and lovely upheaval that ends in tears and gnashing of teeth. I am fed up.

  395.  #395MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 2:02 pm


    It feels so good to read your words, thank you!


    My mom called just now. She senses me, and I love her for it. She always uplifts me. Just her voice fills me with warmth.

    A song I hear on the radio a lot just came on. I don’t know who it is or what it’s called, but I love it.

    “I wanna rock your gypsie soul…Together we will flow, as we sail into the mystic…” or something. I feel sexy when I hear it.

    Love love love!

  396.  #396FlowerChild77 on August 3, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    A classic Van Morrison song called ‘Into the Mystic.’ I love it, too <3

  397.  #397MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I seem to be playing around with “shifting” a lot today. Yesterday morning I had such a hard time getting out of my negative headspace. I feel myself overcompensating for that and moving in and out of my head and body. I may have a need to feel in control of that. I release my need to control it. It’s ok if I get stuck in my head sometimes.

    I am in a weird space today. I feel an intense need to write. I may need a journal so i’m not glued to my iphone like this and spamming lol

    Thank you for simply being there sirens. And for your words I relate to. And for those I don’t relate to. They all help each of us in some way…

  398.  #398MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    😀 thank you flowerchild! *youtubes*

  399.  #399MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    I want my man to hold me tight and sway with me as that song plays. Mmm how good would that feel? Chills.

  400.  #400FlowerChild77 on August 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Yup! 😉

  401.  #401Rori Raye on August 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    April Rose – so – would YOU want your man to go away for 2 weeks on a “meditation retreat” – and possibly hang with other women? I don’t think so. Give the man a break. He’s been totally honest with you. Please take a look at why you’re feeling so triggered by his reaction – and how you’d like HIM to handle this if it were the other way around? You have to lean on trust, on faith, on love – on all kinds of things to reassure him. AND not tolerate him holding you back – or that means you’re just not a match for the future. Love, Rori

  402.  #402Rori Raye on August 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    April – I must have missed your other posts describing him. The comment I replied to didn’t say anything about him being dangerous…just possessive and a bit emotional. I’m going to let the community take over here, and let you tell more of your story so we can help. Love, Rori

  403.  #403siren song on August 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    “You have FEELINGS – and your internal survival mechanism, like Jaycee’s – needing to make sense of the horror of reality – conjured up “LOVE.” We make it up.”

    yep. listen to your feelings. i wish i would have with the last 2 men i loved. a great lesson, though…

  404.  #404lilybelly on August 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    18 months ago, when I landed on this blog.. I was a mess.. An absolute utter and complete mess. No sense in rehashing but whoa…

    A few of the women who were here then are still here and caught me when I thought I was “broken” and not able to be fixed but time and patience and feeling my feelings and working on my heart was what was needed. And for the first time in my life, I learned to speak my truth and feel my feelings. And, I thank you for that, Sirens..for you know who you are.

    I am still me..the me that is outgoing and open and fun and all the things that matter to me but at a much deeper level, I am so much better. I am softer, and happier and still focus so much on how I feel.

    My relationship now, is the best relationship I have ever had. It is more open and honest and real than I even dreamed possible for myself but I did dream it, I did send it to the Universe and did so for years. It would never have come had I not done the work, the often times, gut wrenching work. I would never have met him if I hadn’t done it. And I am so blessed.

    I still am triggered at times, the triggers always have to do with me and nothing to do with what he is doing or not doing. Mostly, they are because of “old tapes” that sometimes still want to replay themselves. But I have also learned that I don’t have to believe everything I think or everything my NV’s try to tell me. HE isn’t the past.. He is the now. And it feels so good to not question it, or his motives or his words because his actions speak so loudly.

    I have learned, I have healed and I have grown and I am experiencing life and love, head on.

    And it feels so d@mn good!

  405.  #405Linda on August 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm


    I read what you write and am inspired. I also feel jealous, amazed, and defeated. This has nothing attached to you personally. It is I am struggeling with not being content with where I am at in my life/journey right now. I feel impatient and when I do my masculine energy rares up inside me. It pushes my femine me back. I see and feel the two sides of me very clearly now which is progress, however as I have commented most of the day today I dont know or feel how to flow. I dont feel intuitive in how to direct my feminine feeling energy.

    I am reading post out here from women who seem to get it, you being one. I am looking for some help here.

    I want to attract the right things/people into my life.
    I dont want to keep being and doing what I have in my past getting the same thing over and over.

    Everything I do gets processed logically eventually so I can grasp it. I dont get things thru feeling them alone.

    As I am writing I can see things that I did in my relationship with the “love of my life” that was in total masculine energy. I did not know anything about feeling and speaking girl back then.

    I want to know how to keep the feminine energy ramped up and flowing like breathing and the masculine energy side of me to take a break!… I feel like this is a key stone to completing a shift in me. How is it done?

    THe last two men I CD’d within the last month were certainly nothing I want in my life. Ick! If I attracted that I feel like I should draw the curtains and hide! One of them I had to flat with words…no thanks and the other came at me like a raging bull which felt fun at first, (kinda like a man crack mega dose) but then it was just icky after that.

  406.  #406April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    I just went walking in the rain with him. Overwhelmed with emotion and terror, I wept. He held me. He spoke softly and I felt soothed.

    I turned my feet away, to remember not to over-focus on him.

    Three hours in his company felt warm and easy.
    He spoke about moving away somewhere, together. He admitted he only ever hints at such things, for fear of being rejected.

    I feel horrified at the power of my own mind to induce sensations of fear of such magnitude. They have no foundation in experience. They seem to thrive in a climate of mental analysis and speculation.

  407.  #407T-Girl on August 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    Lillybelly! That was so awesome to read. Yes, I totally relate to everything you are saying from the triggers of old tapes that come up (had a major one last weekend) to recognizing them and enabling this to be the best relationship ever.

    I’m so happy for you! It just goes to show that one does need to do the work first, even if it is a work in progress, and break out of old patterns. The rewards are so great!

  408.  #408Linda on August 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I feel like I am in a strange land and I dont speak the language! I can only pick up bits an pieces of what is being said, and I certainly feel uncomfortable yet staying engaged is what I feel I have to do.

    Yeah Lilybelly… I wish I was able to say that is going on in my life. I am glad for you!

  409.  #409P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm


    What you shared was so beautiful. I can relate in many ways. This island is a blessing and place of hope and healing.

    I feel so happy to hear about your journey…thank you for sharing it.

  410.  #410R.N.AmazingMe on August 3, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    LilyBelly I agree..thank you for sharing.. 🙂

  411.  #411R.N.AmazingMe on August 3, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    you took the words right out of my mouth…I like the more amazingme too…Takes some getting used to but feels good.

  412.  #412Starla on August 3, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    i have a fancy dinner date with V:)
    He is super geeky and even has a lisp sometimes!! But I do feel quite attracted to him:) Something about him:) Yum.

    And Sunday I have a date with WarriorCD (formerly knows as f*ckinghotguywhomakesmeweakinmykneesandiworryi’mnotgoodenoughforhim). He texts me all day every day and is just lovely and magical without coming on too strong. I like him. He’s deliciously human.

  413.  #413April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Thank you Rori,

    I’m struggling to see what is my true intuition here.

    On the one hand (when I’m not gripped by fear) I choose to believe that a lot of fears are coming up so I can move through them.

    On the other hand, when the fear is present, it truly turns to terror. What I perceive as dangerous is a certain look in his eye, coupled with his fascination for murder stories and nazism.
    And the feeling of intense passion that seems to well up in me feels scarey. Too intense?

    Standing up for myself (i.e. insisting on going to the meditation retreat) brought me the peace of mind and knowledge that I CAN put myself first. It tells me that I’m not a victim to his magnetism. It keeps me from ‘merging’ with him. Surely it is unhealthy to try to intertwine and merge with another human being?

  414.  #414Annie on August 3, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Tam, only you know if you want to be friends or not.
    And if your actions will match your words,
    If you say you don’t want friendship or any contact and he initiates contact and you respond, your actions are showing him the friendship is on.

    If we want other people to honor us, first we have to honor ourselves by honoring are own words with are actions.

  415.  #415April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    What truly feels dangerous to me is his power.

    It feels like a power over life and death. The edge.

    I fear that his fantasies could be so extreme that they involve the power of life and death over another person (me).
    I fear that he is turned on by erotic asphyxiation (he wants to strangle me). Maybe he was only playing when he hinted at that. But the dangerous look in the eye was there.

    A deeper part of me feels totally thrilled by that power.

  416.  #416April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    My mind says I am being outmanoevred by an intelligence I can’t possibly fathom.

    My mind conjures up the idea that he has some form of invisible mind control over me.

    My thoughts tell me he could be insane, a country boy with dangerous inbred genes.

    I feel terrified that I could be suffering from the delusions of my own over-intelligent mind.

  417.  #417Annie on August 3, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Becki, how do you feel about the drugs?
    And what do you want?
    And what does UD think is the solution?

    Hope you find what is your best option.

  418.  #418P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    April Rose,

    I feel scared for you. Have you done a background check on this guy? Have you met any of his friends?

    Please take care of you. I feel adamantly that your safety is oh so much more important than any curiosity or intrigue that might be piqued.

  419.  #419P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 5:54 pm


    I feel interested to know more about you. Have you shared your story anywhere that I might be able to learn more?

  420.  #420Femininewoman on August 3, 2012 at 5:55 pm


  421.  #421Annie on August 3, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    April rose.

    “I fear that he is turned on by erotic asphyxiation (he wants to strangle me). Maybe he was only playing when he hinted at that. But the dangerous look in the eye was there.”

    Everyone has got their fantasies, fetishes kinks.
    If he really wants to live this one out if it were me I would runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

  422.  #422Annie on August 3, 2012 at 6:01 pm

  423.  #423April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 6:04 pm


    Thank you for you care.

    I have met his friends, his sister, his Mum and his Auntie Hilda.

    I totally agree with you about the intrigue not being worth compromising my safety.

  424.  #424MissStix on August 3, 2012 at 6:05 pm


    It really is all about you. Your own personality, needs and desires. It’s about what amps you up and makes you feel good, and putting those things into action. Make promises to yourself, and keep them. Promises that matter to YOU! Feel good about what inspires you, be you, live within your own personality and let it shine…Whatever it is. It will take work, and commitment, soul searching. But the things you do and act on will help you learn.

    I feep deeply flattered to hear that I am inspiring. But I just feel like a human being who stumbled and made the effort to pick herself up and move foreward. I have demons and turmoils too. The fact that you’re searching and making an effort means you’re no different than me…I admire you for your ability to open up and express what you are really feeling and your frustrations. Just keep moving forward, and learning!

    So much love! 🙂

  425.  #425April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Thanks Annie,

    My fears are returning.
    After a delightful evening with him. Why oh why this strange conundrum?

    I choose to believe we are healing each other.

  426.  #426April Rose on August 3, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    I have never felt unsafe in his company.

    It is later, alone, when I think about things. The fear comes then.

  427.  #427Memulo on August 3, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I haven’t heard from him and he did not ask me out for the weekend ;(

  428.  #428Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    My date went all right. No sparks, but good practice. I think the thing that I found the biggest turn-off was his eyes were half closed to the point where I couldn’t see his eyes. I don’t know if that was an eyelid issue or if it is his cloaking device to keep anyone from seeing his emotions. Given his career, I think it is the latter. Because there were moments he was capable of opening his eyes. Eyes are the most important feature to me on a man.

    I found it funny that he is the second CD who told me I am very quiet! LOL! I imagine you all laughing with me, because you see how much I “talk” on here!

    I was following his lead. And there was a lot of, “Hmmm, mmmm, well, so, yup, yeah, so yeah…”

    I felt uncomfortable with all of it. I think he was waiting for me to lead in conversation. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say to a woman. He kept asking, “What? What? What”

    I thought it was a lame conversation starter, so I just said, “I didn’t say anything.” or “I don’t feel anything to say.”

    What I found really cool is at every turn, I felt my mind automatically reaching for words to say and leaning back thoughts because of soaking here on the blog! It is becoming 2nd nature! Yay!

    I intend to see him again, but I see him as practice and fun, a man snack, as Rori worded it once.

  429.  #429Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    My thoughts kept turning to R, and once again, i will say that he doesn’t hold a candle to R. But I kept praying that when R decides to look me up, I’ll be thick with another man and R will live to regret throwing me away.

    I was thinking deeply about why I keep contacting him instead of leaning back. I was thinking about how Rori says that a lot of our words and actions stem from the subconscious, and I find that to be very true.

    I realized that I have these deep beliefs:

    I believe silence is a sh/itt(y form of communication.

    I believe that healthy relationships are those that build a bridge of communication when there is a conflict. Avoidance is easy – anyone can do that.

    I firmly believe that the rubber hits the road in a relationship when 2 people keep talking even when there is a conflict.

    So when R goes into pushing me away mode and telling me to leave him alone, it is hard for me to lean back because those are my subconscious beliefs, even tho everything Rori says about leaning back makes sense to me.

    I’m not sure yet how I’ll resolve this inner conflict. But at least I am conscious now of why I keep reaching out to him when things go sour.

    It would be nice to get so caught up with a new CD that I don’t care anymore what is going on between R and me. But I’m not there yet.

  430.  #430Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Really enjoying Ruby Cherry (grapefruit/cherry) juice mixed with seltzer water!

  431.  #431Belle on August 3, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    I feel curious.
    Is this peace?
    I’ve been triggered SO many times in the past month and am feeling resilient. A little trigger that, a few years ago would have sent me into isolation, alcohol, overeating, pot and massive arguments with others now simply moves through. Instead I use my pen, keyboard, breath, meditation and allowing and accepting the feelings to the best of my ability.
    I’ve cultivated 3 good female friendships over the past year. I noticed a pining for a friendship with one particular person who has never called me or asked to get together and a slight aversion to someone who has been consistently calling me and asking to get together. I dropped the pining for the unavailable one.

    The other I called today to invite to laughter yoga tomorrow. And before I knew it I was offering to babysit her 3-yr. old for the afternoon, because I really really REALLY wanted to. I really wanted to be with her daughter and I’m wondering if this …what? Emotional availability?!?!

    I felt so free with the little one, we played make-believe dolphin games and pillow pet games and watched My Little Pony (I actually teared up watching it…ha!).

    I felt dreamy, and I felt almost weird, again without the pain and the highs and lows of the drama of the first 41 years of my life, this flowy feeling is unusual.

    After my friend arrived home again, she played the violin for me, I teared up and we danced and shared our visions of community and love. I’m not sure what I felt, maybe it was simply BEing? I’m so used to feeling constant resistance and today was so easy.

    I’m feeling so much closer to myself and my girlfriends and feeling so satisfied! Rori, I will remember what you said about how wanting a toxic man is reflecting how I want to hurt myself somehow. If my thoughts go to him again I will interpret it as a cry for some love and compassion for myself.

  432.  #432Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    I feel so embarrassed Im 29 and have never had a boyfriend or atleast not an official one. I have dated alot, had a toxic/imaginary relationship with my friends that lasted five years, and lastly more one or two date experiences with guys from I feel worried for myself and am now speaking to a counselor but I still feel frustrated. I also dont want to lie to any potential guy in the future…what do I say? its so embarrassing I dont want to feel judged. Another element is that Im considered attractive which instead of feeling good about it it feels more uncomfortable and I feel like im judging myself and paranoid to be judged by any guy if they ask ” so when was your last relationship?” or, how long was your relationship? or, how many boyfiends have you had? any advice girls? its hard to be honest about this in a real life situation especially if im into the guy!

  433.  #433Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    i meant to say with my friend not friends…singular not plural…

  434.  #434Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    I feel so frustrated

  435.  #435Miss Bells on August 3, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    I so relate.
    I am going to have to do “no contact” while in the same house.
    But–it is, after-all, an attitude.

  436.  #436Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    I remember I think in Rori’s toxic program that one of the guest dating experts I forgot his name was listing how to detect men who are toxic. I felt scared and uncomfortable when he said those who have not had serious long term relationships, etc. I wondered is that me? what if someone in the future thinks that because I havent had a serious relationship im a red flagger and he should run…:( I feel sad because its not that I dont want to be healthy or want a commitment, I just know I have had lots of insecurities mixed with a lot of hurt, childhood pain, etc. but want to improve as much as I can…

  437.  #437Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 8:47 pm


    432 – I’m 48 and single, so I’ve faced a lot of that. Here are some things I say:

    I just haven’t found the right man yet.

    I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.

    That feels too personal.

    When I establish a comfort level with a man, sometimes I am gut level honest and say I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills. But I’ve been told I shouldn’t say that.

  438.  #438Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    I love my best friend. We talked tonight and she is the best! (hmm. that’s redundant.) she is so funny and compassionate! and she’s not imaginary! haaaa! we went to college together and she moved away for her job and I miss her so much but we both consider each other to be each other’s best friend and still talk all the time on the phone and I love her so much and I’m so thankful for her!

  439.  #439Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 8:50 pm


    436 – I don’t think you NEED to tell anyone anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing. Another approach is to position yourself in strength by saying with a twinkle in your eye and a smile, “Oh, I’m pretty sure if the right man came around, I’d be off the market real fast!”


    “I’m pretty choosy. It’s a lifelong decision, so I am taking my time to make the right decision with the right man.”

  440.  #440Butterfly Wings on August 3, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    248 FW – the list is my list of boundaries. I wasn’t overly strong with those in the past, but if he truly wants a relationship with me, then here they are.

    If he doesn’t like them, then he will say no and we are over forever.

    If he does, then we may have a long and happy life together! 😉

  441.  #441Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 8:52 pm


    Would it help you to discuss your childhood hurts with us on the blog? I wonder if you are in therapy or open to it?

  442.  #442Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    @437 Radlove – that made me feel so sad, but almost proud of you too. I love the honesty of “I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills.”

    I just want to “hug” you! (((((radlove)))))

  443.  #443Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 9:02 pm


    442 – thank you! Hugs back to you! <3

  444.  #444Butterfly Wings on August 3, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    338 T-Girl – I agree and really don’t get it… And we’re still yet to have “the talk”! 😉

  445.  #445Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Radlove, Im in therapy at the moment four sessions so far. I started out by stating that my goals are to develop better relationships/ confidence all for the ultimate goal a commited romantic relationship. The therapist has been great really nice and understanding, but after stating that I began to notice that I trailed off into just working on better communication with friends and family at the moment. I know its a process, but im feeling impatient! when will I get to the good stuff! I am currently not dating I took off my profile on match, etc. i chose not to date while working on easier challenges (fam and friends).
    Anyway, I know my biggest issue is that I never felt heard when I was young, and often ignored. being the oldest I felt my sister (a handful at the time) was enough for my parents to deal with so any emotional turmoil I had I kept inside or cried it out “secretly.” my parents where never physically abusive or by any means said anything insulting or hurtful, but I definitely felt ignored/ comletely invisible. this is the basic, anyway I feel that for what ever reason being in a relationship will take part of my identity and I feel like i want to protect my identity, its scary to think i will be influenced by someone to not be me, i dont like that. maybe its because my mom is very complacent with my dad. I feel bad saying things abouot them because I really love them and I know they love me but…for whatever reason I feel very protective of myself i dont like it when men are bossy, demanding, or want me to be they want. My precious identity..i dont want to lose it, i dont want to lose me. I feel sad and scared

  446.  #446Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    wow, the more I think of it the scarier I feel. I tend to feel influenced easily maybe Im just really receptive almost chameleonesque, I think Im still finding out my identity but having trouble with it. A man in my life feels like more fog in my identity window I dont know why…

  447.  #447Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    maybe i do know who I am but lack a certain confidence…unless im salsa dancing:p probably the only time I feel truley the most confident

  448.  #448Daria on August 3, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse and just avoided people, missing out on a lot of social skills.”

    ‘I felt traumatized a lot growing up. I felt safer alone avoiding people. I feel emotionally underdeveloped in some ways.

    This is what I feel like

    I feel unconfortable writing this


  449.  #449Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Daria I really appreciate that you said it because atleast I donr feel so alone, because well I feel alone a lot. I sometimes enjoy it because it feels safe and relaxing, and other times its very worrysome, to think that I would share my safe space with someone? how weird it feels almost odd to me

  450.  #450Radlove on August 3, 2012 at 9:24 pm


    Salsa dancing is so fun! And I didn’t even realize until adulthood that my parents loved me. I really relate to you.

    I felt either invisible or reprehensible. Almost every time I opened my mouth, I was…

    1. Yelled at
    2. Criticized
    3. Interrupted
    4. Ignored

    When everything you say meets with one of those things, it leaves you feeling worthless and invisible.

    When I was about 25, I started counseling, and my counselor was talking to me about how to relate to men. He said, “Just be yourself!”

    I said in a moment of self-discovery, “I don’t know who I am.”

    My voice sounded hollow to me. I went home and eyed myself down in the mirror. My eyes looked hazy, bewildered, unclear. I knew for sure I didn’t know who I was.

    It has taken years, decades, to develop and discover who I am, and I do feel like I know who I am now.

    A lot of it has come thru expressing myself in words. My words are an expression of who I am: my beliefs, my thoughts, and my feelings.

    I have erred on the side of being outspoken, giving myself allowance for mistakes and conflicts, because I so desperately needed to TALK.

    When I worked with mentally handicapped kids in the late 80s, one mostly nonverbal boy was at a therapeutic horseback riding farm. He didn’t want to get on the horse, because he felt scared.

    This nonverbal boy screamed, repeatedly, “LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME!”

    At that moment, tears instantly poured down my face. I knew it was the cry of my heart.

    I appreciate how I feel listened to on this blog. And the number one draw I feel to R is that he is the best listener I have ever encountered.

  451.  #451Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    Sometimes I just think the worst of men because its what my grandma used to tell me about how “all” men are actually she tells me to this day. she says they just want sex, and will treat you like shit, they are all inate players, having children equals problems. she says having one equals one problem, two two problems, etc. she says that a woman is expected to do everything work her ass off, tend to the kids, and when shes fully done, she has to tend to his needs at night, work in the day, and work in the night. she says that men lie and they fall in love quickly and quickly fall out of it. Do myself a favor and be intelligent and dont fall for their bs…
    The list goes on and on and well this also does not help me..gee i wonder why i dont allow to continue any dates past two dates. I FEEL ANGRY!!!!! I hate that I was told this over and over and over and over again every single day from someone who obviosly had her own issues

  452.  #452Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Radlove thank you for sharing that with me, it gives me hope also that im on the right track by tapping into the identity issue. wow that felt nice for you to state that you said “I dont know who I am” in response to being advised to be yourself it means its something important and you have found yourself:) I wonder, I feel like I do know myself deep down, but its hard to shar with others. what if i offend or upset someone by me being who i am? i dont know why but i wonder that. what if I dont agree with someone, it will cause a problem, or even uncomfortability thats how I feel and think sometimes. i even wondered, if I am fully me and my potential, will my family think Im strange because Im not sweet and shy like who they think I am? will it be uncomfortable for them?

  453.  #453Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    its so uncomfortable for my family to be aware of me as a sexual being, its embarrassing. and to think that if I have a steady guy they will know what we do and that is incredibly uncomfortable for me.

  454.  #454P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 9:49 pm


    I am struggling with being known as a sexual being as well. My adult son lives with me and is very protective and struggling with my relationship with K (though he’s agreed to meet him this weekend!). K asked if I had considered when I might be willing to spend the night and I just about panicked thinking, “What would my son think!?”

    Because I am a sexual trauma therapist, my son knows my story, about my childhood abuse, and subsequent sexual acting out of my young adulthood and I think he’s not prepared to trust that I can be sexual and be healthy at the same time.

    UGH…there might be an open-hearted conversation happening sometimine in the near future about this.

    Thanks, Sunshine, for talking about this issue and helping me realize that it’s something I need to deal with rather than hide from.

  455.  #455P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    The part that is just as perplexing is that even if K and I spend the night together, we are holding off on intercourse for several more months. So, sleeping the night doesn’t really have any more significance than the intimacy that occurs when sleeping in one anothers arms. Still, I have shame around it. Blah.

  456.  #456Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    P-lala, what you wrote feels very powerful thank you for your feedback. to think that it is a feeling that others feel feels comforting, and hopeful for all of us. Especially that you are a sex trauma therapist. It makes sense that being a sexual being can be uncomfortable both for me as a daughter and also for the parents. I bet it must feel ackward for parents too. my grandma sometimes when she wasnt being such a dictator, would open up to me about something similar. she would say that she would never remarry after she had my youngest uncle, she would say she felt embarrassed if her sons thought she was with someone else. Its tough, but i just think to myself. well, if my parents for whatever reason split up (knock on wood), I wouldnt want them to be alone but happy. It would feel weird to see either one of them with someone else but the sadness of seeing them alone outweighs the ackwardness especially if it was my mom..this of course from someone suposing the issue and not living it for what its worth.

  457.  #457Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    lol I remember not so long ago I hung out w/my parents…I told them we should say bridesmaids because its hillarious, and I completely forgot about the full out sexual scene in the beginning! wow that was so torturous I felt so embarrassed i was sweating. I told my dad wow, I forgot about that part. and my dad said…dont worry about it its normal. I feel like crying right now because I sense they can sense how ashamed and embarrassed I am about sex in general. even when they are ok with it. I just feel so embarrassed

  458.  #458P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 10:09 pm


    Sex IS normal, but so is, I believe, the desire for one’s sexuality to be private and not to be considered by those who have not embraced and wholly accepted the REAL, authentic you.

  459.  #459P-lala on August 3, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Having unsafe people think about me as a sexual being feels intrusive and like an invasion of my privacy – that is a direct result of my trauma.

    Wow, good revelations tonight.

    It’s my bedtime now. Sweet dreams and much love to you all.

  460.  #460Sunshine on August 3, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    hmm that makes sense, k good night

  461.  #461Iamabutterfly on August 3, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    I think I project my negative feelings onto the men I’m interested in and I also think I get obsessive because of that.

    Like I’m looking outside to them for the answers that can only come from inside me, and since i can’t find the answers in them, I feel misguided anger towards them.

  462.  #462Butterfly Wings on August 4, 2012 at 12:01 am

    Oh this is getting really weird…

    TH went out earlier, then returned with a heap of stuff to ease my cough (I’ve been sick for a week now). He’s really looking after me! But why????

    I know I’m in serious lean-back mode, and I know I’m totally detached from the outcome, so maybe it’s my vibe?

    We’ve still not had “the talk”, although he keeps smiling fondly at me. I’ve never seen him like this.

    I feel torn right now. On one hand I’d like us to be together and live happily ever after, but on the other hand I’m thinking I’d prefer to move on and do the single thing for a while…

    Hopefully he’ll be ready for our talk soon, but for now I won’t push it. He knows I’m feeling impatient, and if he brings it up I’ll tell him that yes, I’m still feeling impatient!

    Oh and a guy (a mentor of mine) who I’ve kind of had a bit of a crush on for years now, called me “sweet cheeks” today! Haha. He’s about my age and very successful and we talk a bit online and he knows about the ups and downs I’ve experienced with TH.

    This buy is a bit of a player and every time I talk to him he has a different woman, but he’s fun to talk to and I admire him and what he’s achieved.

    He’s never called me that before and I’d say he’s noticed my new relationship status… hmmm! 😉

  463.  #463Tam on August 4, 2012 at 12:08 am

    Annie, thank you for your input.
    Yes, that is so true, our words must match our actions. I do have a problem with that when someone pulls on my heartstrings and thinks I am unwell and wants to find out all is well with me – to just stay quiet.
    That is the game. It feels like passive aggressive to me to not answer when someone who is concerned enquires. But yes, it would be the ‘answer’, not to ‘answer’. I have made it pretty clear that friendship is not on the menu anymore but h won’t accept that…in some ways I have to admit that I find it very endearing also. I know he has feelings also, and he is the one who can’t stay platonic friends it’s all a bit messy.
    I have not heard from him and assume doing nothing is the best course of action. And dating. I find it hard to date, almost impossible, and recently it hasn’t been much fun. I leave the dates disillusioned, sad and hankering for what I can’t have.
    I have so much other stuff to sort out in my life also.

    The point is that I get stuck on this guy and don’t want to, but I can’t exorcise him out of my life because over the years we have a circle of friends together…cutting him out means cutting about 3 more people out of my life, that are very dear to me too. It’s a bit like punishing myself. I dunno.

  464.  #464Starla on August 4, 2012 at 12:34 am

    My date with V was just great:)
    All perception I had of his geekiness just faded, biggest of all:).

    He showed up with pretty flowers, opened doors, took me to a brilliant, fancy restaurant, asked if I needed to go home or if I wanted to grab a drink somewhere so I asked him what he thought, and he said “I want to spend more time with you.”

    At the end of the night he said “I’m about to be really awkward cuz i want to kiss you but i can’t read you.”

    So I said “come closer” with a sly smile and he kissed me and gave me a nice hug.

    he was a great date and i enjoy my time with him.


    there were things that would have usually triggered me, but instead of saying anything or overfunctioning, I honestly just stayed quiet and said nothing. Like easy breezy no problem.

    I’m good:)

  465.  #465Butterfly Wings on August 4, 2012 at 1:27 am

    Woohoo Starla!!! 😀

  466.  #466Sirenity on August 4, 2012 at 2:12 am

    Hi Butterfly Wings

    I have been most interested to read your new perspective.

    Having not read anything from you for some months (either you didnt post Or I wasnt checking the blog),
    suddenly it seems you have gone from a “pleasing” vibe (thinking about what he wants, working to be the woman he wants) to a ” take it or leave it” vibe.

    The voyeuristic part of me wants to know what caused this obvious energy shift. I am amazed at how his energy has also shifted it seems (to looking after you and trying to please YOU ) . Instead you are now thinking of other men.

    This “chasing and pleasing” dynamic is very obvious from the outside in the way you write about you and TH. Please excuse me for commenting but its hugely educatiuonal.

    The take home message for me is to genuinely lean back , have a high degree of difficulty and keep the focus OFF any man I am interested in.

  467.  #467Butterfly Wings on August 4, 2012 at 2:56 am

    Sirenity, isn’t it funny how it’s so easy to see the dynamic between people when you’re on the outside? I welcome your insight because until I read what you posted, I wasn’t even aware. Wow!

    And yes, I believe you are 100% right! I now no longer care if he’s going to be the man in my life or not. In the past I did.

    And now he’s “looking after” me, bringing me drinks, buying me things to help ease my cough and help me sleep… it’s such a huge change from most recently.

    He’s always been a bit of a nurturer but he seems much more attentive now than ever.

    I’m also leaving him alone and am (im)patiently waiting for the talk to happen. I am really just looking for some clarity in our situation. What does he have in mind? If he no longer wants the relationship, that’s fine, but I in turn will not want him living in my house. I want to be free to do what i want without him looking over my shoulder.

    But if he does want the relationship, a few things will need to change (for both of us), and we will need to talk through that.

    I think also that the haze from my issues with the BCP has all but disappeared too, and I am seeing everything so clearly now – it’s amazing! It’s almost like I’ve been asleep for the last year!

    So yeah, I think everything is falling into place, and finally, I am loving ME first and him second. I like it! 🙂

  468.  #468Vi on August 4, 2012 at 3:06 am

    “I am struggling with being known as a sexual being as well” ..

    omg being known as a sexual being feels like a struggle for me when I try to understand how i feel myself about being a sexual being .. and i feel uneasy and tense and jumpy .. and numb .. i love my uneasiness my tension my jumpines… i love my tense shoulders .. this feeling gets me back to my teen years .. and i feel curious and uncomfortable .. and want to distract my attention with smth else … omg i feel ashamed to remember teenage me!! i felt like nobody that time .. or is it just me thinking and judging me as being a nobody? … i was a “good girl” then and . and i feel ashamed of that … oh i love my shame! i feel my face turning red and blushing .. i feel so embarrassed … that time i thought i had no boobs and my bras were kind of “childish” … i thought i dont even deserve nice sexy bras … I felt sex-less .. now I feel afraid to hurt someones aesthetic feelings with these memories … i apologize in this case and feel like spewing it .. no – i feel like exploring it here… i was taught money should be spent on other things – … food … books … but – to feel sexy ?? the topic was just avoided in the family .. and felt like i have to have ‘adults’ permission to feel sexy .. and there was silence .
    Sad … i still feel sex-less .. blacked out… i feel silenced in this area ..
    mmmmm… my body has changed since .. feeling smiley .. : ) hehe i feel like gazing a man in the eyes … i feel power … cat power .. me power power .. meow ! : )

  469.  #469Sirenity on August 4, 2012 at 3:19 am

    I love to hear a Siren loving herself , really truly and genuinely. We all try, and most of us are just “pretending” while we still hang off that man’s every text, every call, every possibility..we look through a frame of lining him up to be our “one”. It must make men cringe and RUN!!!

    I resolve to look through a frame of ..does this relationship enhance my life?
    Its been a while since I cared who was texting or calling..I would like to feel some chemical incentive please universe..but retain the overall focus on ME.

  470.  #470Sirenity on August 4, 2012 at 3:23 am

    Butterfly Wings..hormonal treatments do impact the brain and that means thinking and feelings change. I would be wary though of “blaming” external causes for who we are in the moment.

    I feel delighted you are feeling better .I am a bit sick tonight (longstanding issues) but did enjoy a little flirtation over my tax preparation and am considering an ongoing flirtation …(nice goodbye hug felt warm and comfy).

  471.  #471Ella on August 4, 2012 at 3:25 am

    I LOVE my Zumba classes, and yet I feel SO PLEASED that I just did the last one and now have a 4 week break!


    Rest, relax, refresh.

    Me time!

  472.  #472Sirenity on August 4, 2012 at 3:28 am

    I love Zumba too Ella . Not good at it and quite elderly compared to you , but hey my legs love it! Accountant man was eying them off today.

  473.  #473Butterfly Wings on August 4, 2012 at 3:42 am

    Sirenity, I was experiencing some major side effects of the BCP which eventually led to a serious meltdown last week. I was a mess, I was acting irrationally, I was aware of all of this, but I could not control it.

    Everyone around me has been worried for me because they recognise it’s not been “me”.

    I came off that pill 7 weeks ago, and my meltdown was typical of other women’s experiences within the first two months (I’m on a bit of a campaign against the drug company and doctors for not explaining the side effects clearly – some (such as hair loss and anxiety attacks) weren’t even on there…

    And now looking back, I KNOW I haven’t been myself for a very, very long time. Poor TH! lol

    It’s been really tough, and now that I’m “up”, I can now see how far I was “down” for almost a year now. Ick.

    Anyway, all is good now, and will definitely continue to improve.

    And I like how you think about whether the relationship enhances your life etc.

    I’ve been sick too – but mine is just a cold which I’ve had the last week. TH has it too and neither of us have been sleeping because of it. The coughing is annoying!

  474.  #474Butterfly Wings on August 4, 2012 at 3:43 am

    I love flirting! And I shall look forward to doing more of that in the future I think! 😉

  475.  #475Butterfly Wings on August 4, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Oh! Before I try to go to sleep (haven’t slept properly in a week!), one thing that I said to TH was that if anything, him breaking up with me gave me something I desperately craved – certainty.

    I told him that a weight had lifted, because I had been feeling uncertain for so long. Now that he had ended it with me, I had that certainty, even though it was the worst outcome.

    So I might as well have thanked him for doing me a favour! 😀

    Funny! And that might explain the sad face he posted not long after on FB… Hmmmm…… Maybe he’s regretting his decision… Oh well.. 🙂

  476.  #476Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 4:24 am

    What is BCP?

  477.  #477Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 4:25 am

    aahh Birth Control Pills. I believe those can cause cancer.

  478.  #478Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 4:35 am

    RE 466 So so true Sirenity. It struck me also the shift went to just being and receiving mode. So now TH has a woman who can receive his love. So yes it would be easier for him to fall deeply in love. As Rori says “a man wants a woman who can feel. A man wants a woman who can receive.” Also a man wants a woman who loves herself first. That way she can teach him how to love her. So counterintuitive.

  479.  #479Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 4:36 am

    I feel you Vi

  480.  #480Tam on August 4, 2012 at 4:52 am

    Off on a date, really forcing myself….

  481.  #481Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Tam you’ll be okay. Keep saying FUN FUN FUN in your mind and try to touch things to focus on being present

  482.  #482Memulo on August 4, 2012 at 5:12 am


    ‘I don’t feel like talking about the past. I am available now’. 😉

  483.  #483Memulo on August 4, 2012 at 5:52 am

    So I guess contacting him to ask how things are is not a good idea. On the other hand, it’s kind of strange not to ask? Since I rally do care.

  484.  #484ruth on August 4, 2012 at 6:06 am

    Wow wow wow!
    So much excellent stuff to read back on and learn from

    I feel quite inspired and will look forward to catching up later

  485.  #485Jilly on August 4, 2012 at 6:17 am

    ((((((((Lilybelly)))))) that feels amazing to read!!!! 🙂 Yay 🙂

  486.  #486Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Memulo the question is does he care enough about his own situation to contact YOU and share? Does his mother care and worry about him as much as you do? Is he mature enough to handle difficult situations?

  487.  #487MissStix on August 4, 2012 at 6:25 am


    I have also had major issues with BCP. A bit of a long story for this esrly in the morning so I’ll keep it short…I was on for 10 years. Right through my relationship with ex hubby. I went off after we separated thinking I did not need it anymore. Then back on when I started dating again, then back off a couple months later when I really realized what was happening to me on the pill.

    The BCP not only messes with your hormones but it puts a stop to our beautiful and natural cycle. It de-sexualizes women. Women no longer experience the ebbs and fliws (no pun hehe). It stifles phermones that naturally draw males to us. Mood swings, weight gain, yes hairloss and lack of lustre.

    I am not on it now and will never take it again! I have a rare form of endometriosis in my chest cavity and BCP is supposed to help????? I have symptoms now so RARELY that I hardly feel like I have it anymore. I devoloped the disease ON BCP. Go figure.

    I am so passionate about this topic lol apologies. But just wait…You will be amazed at how much more level you feel. Took me approx 4 months.

  488.  #488MissStix on August 4, 2012 at 6:26 am

    pardon my typos 6:30 am here 😉

  489.  #489Femininewoman on August 4, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Memulo I feel curious. Have you ever checked to see if you spend as much time thinking about yourself as you think about him?

  490.  #490Memulo on August 4, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Thank you FW. I am thinking to text ‘You’re my hero’. this way I can show my support in a feminine way and not ask for anything?

  491.  #491MissStix on August 4, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Lilybelly 404

    It feelso inspiring to read your words! Thank you, and I feel so happy to see how positive you are 🙂 Hugs and love!