It Will Bring Him Closer If You Do It This Way…

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It’s not your “negative” feelings that push a man away – it’s what you do with them.

It’s how you LIVE with them – because there are things in this world that Trigger us can make us feel sensitive and sad all the time.

And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.

How to do it? You’ll find a Tool specifically for the feelings of anger, jealousy and obsessive thoughts about a man in my Commitment Blueprint program, and in my new Modern Siren program, there’s a full set of Tools for sadness, and a way to handle that “wave” of feeling that sometimes hits us just when we wish it wouldn’t. You can look at both of the programs here: [catalog]

For now, try this:

When you’re feeling “negative,” and you’re afraid your “vibe” will push a man away – notice what you do – notice if you start TALKING (what so many of us women do when we’re uncomfortable).

Notice if you start all of a sudden getting “cheerful.”

Notice if you suddenly start trying to make things “okay” in your mind and smile.

Notice if you move TOWARD him – touch him, talk to him – in an effort to make the “bad” feelings go away.

And then stop yourself. DON’T DO what you INSTINCTIVELY want to do to feel better.

There’s a MUCH better way to feel better.

SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.

Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).

So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.

As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.

Now, let’s say you – like I was – are stuck in a car, or in a restaurant, or in a room with your man, and you can feel your resistance tightening in your shoulders and in your heart, and you feel like talking to relieve the pressure.

Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.
Step 2 – You do NOTHING
Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).
Step 4 – Now you use Feeling Messages to communicate with your man, and we’ll talk about that next.

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  1.  #1Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 9:04 am

    I am not sure that is so easy to just get into your feelings and even if I do and let them go so many times I just cry when I am sad. It feels like as when I am crying there is some sort of getting it out without talking. Many times I cry when I read here – I know what I want and that is him – I also understand that these tools may help me yet I am insecure about it. Maybe because I have not yet had a chance to try them and if I do I am afraid that I screw it up – so I sit here and I am sad and I cry – because the one thing I know is that I want him back – want back what we had grow from the hard time we are going through right now where he just wants out cause I know when we get back together it’ll be good. Yet I am afraid of doing the tools guess I just don’t trust them yet.

  2.  #2Cassandra on September 14, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Rori…I am really trying to kind of rewind and get back to some of the basics with regard to my feelings. I seem to have trouble with some of the visualizations in that I can see these beautiful images but I can’t see ME in them. For example in ReConnect….I try to see myself in that row boat with the wonderful, caring, loving, let’s not forget HOT (hee hee), respectful GENTLEman that is trying – key word here – TRYING to shower me with love and attention and kindness and genuiness and sincerity but I can’t see ME in there anywhere. I can’t really see him….it’s like there is someone there but I can’t picture HIM or ME….I see the body of a man but can’t see ME anywhere in this picture. Then when I realize that I am not seeing ME in this image I can feel a change in my body….tensions starts in and I can feel myself go back into my head trying to ‘find’ ME and asking why I can’t see ME in this picture. Does anyone else have this problem? How can I fix this so that I am a part of all of your wonderful visualizations? I feel like I am missing a HUGE part of the puzzle not being able to see ME in any of these images and I feel as though I am missing something……kind of like I am trying so hard to ‘connect it’ but can’t quite get there. Help?

    Sending lots of love your way……

  3.  #3Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Cassandra, try this. Pretend you’re an actress. Imagine yourself in the boat. Now just do the imaging as if you’re there, and follow my words….I totally get what you’re saying….we’re all different that way, and trauma effects the way we image ourselves…try not to worry…better to just “get around” it…okay? Love, Rori

  4.  #4Cassandra on September 16, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Rori….thank you so much for the personal response. I appreciate that so much. I have been really trying to work on sinking into those feelings but I have been feeling as though I am really struggling with that. I feel so afraid of the ‘darker’ ones that I can feel myself physically holding that lid ON the soup. I feel so afraid that I am going to explode and of course of what would take place then. I know that I would ‘pay for that’ so I am trying so hard to keep the waters calm here until I can move but I can feel myself wanting to explore those feelings and pay them the attention that they deserve. I will try your actress suggestion. Thanks Rori.

    With so much love…..

    Wow….I tried to imagine the rowboat scenario WITH me as the actress ME in it and I was there!! Rori this helped so much ….thank you! I didn’t get as far as the wonderful man in that image because I felt so excited that I was there!! I am going to go add him into the mix and try to receive all of that love and positive attention.

  5.  #5Helena on December 19, 2009 at 5:40 am

    Rori, this makes so much sense…thank you! But how do you do any of that – especially the part about leaning back and communicating in feeling messages – if you and your man are not physically together in the first place? For instance you are temporarily in different countries, or even in the same area but he hasn’t come by to see you for some time. Really need your advice. Thanks!

  6.  #6Rori Raye on December 20, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Helena, Welcome, and you do it with your mind, your imagination, and getting on with your love life. You CANNOT be exclusive in this situation unless you’re married or engaged (I’m not even sure if I agree with this one…). You shift your “vibe” at the core level – where you’re getting your needs met, even though he’s not there. I truly believe this is something a man can pick up across “the ethers” – and across the world. Love, Rori

  7.  #7marya s. on February 15, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    i have so much problem with that.Imagin i and my mann and 5 of his friends with their wives are out to eat dinner together.All menn sit beside their wives.My mann likes very much to be in sentrum but our place is in the corner and the people sitting near us are not that type talking mch.Sudenly there is one chair available in the sentrum beside some friend of him who talk more.
    At first my mann said it is boring sit here,better to sit in sentrum but there is just one chair.I said nothing just jeh,..Some minuttes later he just moved and sat there and the woman beside him just said yes sit there .I sat alone and felt how respectless he is.I became angry.I went to toilett and talked with myself and felt how bad it was.When i came back my mann tried to say funy jokes to make me laugh,but he still sat there lang away from me and i in the corner of table.
    I did not like that.So i said i am so sorry,i am tired and want to go home.i looked at him.He bacame angry,moved and came to me and sat beside me.He said i was so rude not to respect him,not to respect his freinds because these menn wanted to have meal just alone but he had toled them it is good to have wives with them.He changed hole the case in a way so i had to say sorry so much to make so bad things for you that you did not felt respected,….
    everytime i try feeling massagese,as i tried here after that he came to me .I toled him ,i did not like to sit alone here but you in the sentrum.I knew later with alkohol and everything he and his friends would become to make such noise and i would be outside of party because he make so much noise around himself.
    He became so angry,toled me we forget this ,this time but you have no respect for anybody.It seems that everybody was there for me and my feeling was so bad that he really mislike my feelings.
    It is evrytimes like hat.I am afraid of telling him what i feel.sometimes so afraid of feeling because it brings so much negative excitement in our relation and when i can not say what i feel,i feel myself alone and distant,..
    How would you react here?

  8.  #8brittany on September 24, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    So I work with my man and its just plain hard to not let the little things get to ya. We don’t talk at work, or much anymore. Last night I had that feeling of anxious and uneasyness. I didn’t do anything about it. Let it go and went on. It got to the point where I felt sick. I don’t know what’s causing it but its irritating. He likes to stay out after. Closing time to go drink more I go home and worry. I just don’t know what’s going on its been 3 years since I’ve been in a relationship so its all new to me again! Please help!


  9.  #9Rori Raye on September 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Britt – what are you doing being exclusive with him? How long has it been? If you don’t feel good with a man – something’s wrong…tell us your whole story? Love, Rori

  10.  #10Diana on November 1, 2010 at 10:25 am

    okay.. I am so much more in touch with my feelings and expressing them now its amazing, thank you.. I cant say I am comfortable with the way it feels but I can say that I feel more alive. Its very uncomfortable for me to be vulnerable. I am the one that wants to make it better, the relationship, everyones feelings.. its makes me feel safe to do that.. It gives me a false sense of security.. So as a simple example, last night was Halloween and my man came over after I took the girls trick o treating. He seemed down.. I asked what was wrong and he states he is missing his kids tonight and that he thinks they feel bad that he chose not to join them and his ex trick o treating). He is legally seperated and is struggling with finding boundaries and ending the relationship fully. So I feel threatened instantly, because that means she invited him along and I wonder what her intentions are. It brings up insecurity in the relationship for me with him since he is not fully free. He then talks about all the upcoming holidays and how it feels for him to have to decide where hes going and if my girls and I are gonna be included or not and how I am gonna feel about that.. The pattern is when something is uncomfortable for him to deal with .. he stalls on making any decision and waits till the last minute which normally makes things worse.. I am tired of waiting for him to man up to feel included and important. I guess it makes me angry. I dont want to go round and round having a conversation with him about my feelings all the time either.. Since he is unsure of his holiday plans and now I feel weird and insecure.. i am trying to find a way of expressing that instead of stuffing my feelings, making him wrong, or making it better. Would it be appropriate to simply say, I was thinking about our conversation last night and I understand how hard it is to share the holidays when you have kids.. I dont want to feel like I am presuring you to include me and I definetly do not want to feel like a burden when you are figuring thru your plans. I think with the ways things currently stand it would feel more comfortable for me to make my own plans for the holidays this year. The truth is though that makes me feel sad, that it is not a priority to make sure that regardless of all else we are together. I dont know, I dont want to make it worse but I cant pretend.. Any advice?

  11.  #11marina on November 11, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Hello Rori,
    I just wanna say thank you for what you do and for giving us the opportunity to post here and learn even more.
    I am so glad I found you through one of Christian Carters programs (the be like a fern instead of a cactus talk). Your letters and blog inspire me a lot. I feel like I have had so many times asking myself what would be best to do and do exactly the wrong thing, so I have to undo and learn what does work and does feel good. Yesterday was really a breakthrough for me, some feelings came up and I was too exhausted to start analyzing them or do something about them, like I usually do. I usually get so stressed (yuk feelings, what should I do!).
    So I just sat there and felt them. And that was good. It felt like a first step in accepting myself and just being there. I felt less tight and at peace and more like everything started to flow again and I was even less tired 🙂
    I am going to read some more of your blog now and I am definetely recommending your website to some of my girlfriends!
    Keep up the good work!


  12.  #12Annie on January 5, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    I had a great time today felt so good to be in the moment and felt calm and lovely afterwards.
    Then went and had more fun on my own later.
    His last words were chat later and now just get this short message.
    Came back and read a short message thanking me for a ‘nice’ time and saying it was ‘nice’ to see me asking how I was and hoping I was ok.
    I wrote a short reply back saying Thank you and I felt good as I did until i read this message from them
    This person knows that i equate ‘nice’ to boring.
    I have been told WOW in the past and now I get ‘nice.
    I felt so triggered, went away cried and cried sank right into the feeling.
    Thought am I angry, no.
    I am hurt, a little,
    I am sad, yes very.
    This was all on the surface though and on going deeper discovered that i really felt, not good enough and that made me feel crap crap crap.
    I don’t want to feel not good enough I don’t want to feel crap.
    So now i want to send another message saying this and don’t know what to do.

  13.  #13Joann on February 17, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am so happy I found this. I have been divorced now since Nov. 10,2010. I am now seeing this man for a little over two months. I need some advice of what happen between us and be as cut throat as you can. We both are ready to be in a relationship and neither one of us wants to see anyone else. One day he was doing some work for me and I gave him my key to let himself in and out of my apartment. A few weeks had past and I asked for my key back. His reaction to me took me off guard a little. He suddenly wanted to slow things down a bit and we stopped visiting each other as much. We talk on the phone everyday all day except on the weekend. He only wants to visit me during the week. Never on the weekend now. I asked him why is he doing that. Does he have someone else he is seeing? He said no, but with the men these days I think that there maybe a person of interest in his life. His response to me is I think too much. Rori what do you think? How can I get his attention?

  14.  #14Rori Raye on February 17, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    Joann – you’d be insane not to wonder what he’s doing on the weekends. I’d say “you know –I like you very much and feel great with you, and I don’t really want to be exclusively involved with anyone I don’t see on the weekends…” And then go Circular Date and stop the exclusivity. PERIOD. Love, Rori

  15.  #15Joann on February 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Thanks Rori for the quick response. I will do just that and let you know how it turns out.


  16.  #16Michelle on May 1, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Thank you so much for this. I am practicing feeling my feelings and not pretending that they don’t matter. But I am torn about how to express my feelings when he isn’t contacting me. I feel that if I contact him to tell him my feelings that I am chasing, but if I don’t contact him I am implying that I don’t care, which is inauthentic. I have been so good at stuffing my feelings for so long I don’t know how to deal with them now they need an outlet. I feel so confused.

  17.  #17Zoe on June 4, 2012 at 3:57 am

    I miss him, i want to be held, Im lonely, feel depleted and sad that hes gone, angry, defensive, scared that he has withdrawn his love. dont think I should call and tell him because it will be leaning forward and i want him to come to me rather than the other way round, so Im saying how I feel to the universe. I feel that i set this up because i pushed him away so much in the beginning but now I am just sitting with the void that he filled. x wish he would come back x