Can I Win Him Back After He Dumped Me

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Disgusting as it sounds, apparently January is officially “National Break-Up Month.” My friend Eris Huemer (if you have my Interviews With Relationship Experts CD series, you’re listening this month to the great interview I did with her) told me more relationships end over the Holidays than at any other time…and so I asked her to let me publish this as a guest post:

Can I Win Him Back After He Dumped Me – by Eris Huemer…

We have all, at some point and time, experienced a very bad break-up.

Out of the blue he tells you that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or that he’s no longer “in love” with you, or he’ll no longer call or text you 10 times a day, or the worst – he’s seeing someone else (or wants to).

Or, even worse you share a mortgage and kids together!

Suddenly, you feel like your life is over and you’ll never find a guy like him again.

You feel helpless and alone.

I get it. I’ve been there!

One of my new clients, Sheri, just emailed me this letter:

“Dear Eris,

I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months. I am totally in love with him. We got along wonderfully, liked the same things, had similar goals and values. We loved to spend time together. He would call me three times a day and texted and e-mailed more. I met his friends and family. He told me that I was the one for him. I felt that he was the one for me. It seemed as if everything was positive with no negatives.

Then, out of the blue, things began to change. He slowed down on the calls. He didn’t want to see me. So, I called him. He informed me that his friends set him up on a date and he realized that he wasn’t ready to settle down. I said, “What about me and us?!” He informed me that he didn’t have feelings for me and he still needed time to explore.

I was (and still am) devastated.I thought that he was the one. This is so hard because my feelings for him won’t go away. I don’t know what to do. I want to be his friend in the hopes that he will come back to me. I want to win him back. I feel like we are meant to be together.

I cry every day. I can’t sleep at night. I’m trying to keep busy but its not working. We still talk once in a while but he doesn’t want to get together. My hurt doesn’t go away. What can I do to get him back to me? Please Help!!!

Love, Sheri”

I totally know how Sherri feels. I have been there. In fact, the man that I thought was my “soul mate”, ended things without a warning. We were planning our future together and I felt in my heart that he was “the one”. Or, so I thought.

He dumped me without a warning. I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop crying, and couldn’t manage my life without him.

What was even harder for me to except was the reality was that our relationship was O-V-E-R. He didn’t want to be with me anymore and I had a difficult time understanding why.

That break up was actually what inspired me to write my book

That being said, I suggest to Sheri, and so many other people going through this experience, to write my book Break-Up Emergency, my first step in becoming a relationship expert and helping people heal their broken hearts.

That being said, I suggest to Sheri, and so many other people going through this experience, to not try and win him back. I know how difficult this might be to hear right now – but, the reality is that you are no longer together. All to often when a relationship ends, we dwell on what our ex did, is doing, or how to win them back.

This is NOT a good idea.

For now, I suggest that you erase his number, don’t text, e-mail, IM, drive by his house, show up where he goes, etc. (trust me, I know because I have been there).

During this time of healing your broken heart, you might experience fear, confusion, and intense emotions. I know that I did. If you do, I suggest that you write down or put a voice to whatever you are feeling, figure out what you can do about it, and do it. If you focus on healing your broken heart and set it as your most important intention right now, you will.

If you are meant to be together it will happen – eventually. But, not because you make it happen. (Trust me, there are no magical or manipulative tools that you can use to win him back.) The only thing you can do is take care of YOU, get YOUR power back, and become a strong individual.

Once you heal and become strong within yourself and get a hold of your feminine, you will give yourself the opportunity to attract a man who will give you the love that you want and deserve.

Many times we need to go through difficult experiences in order to change. So, the good news is that your relationship ending does not mean that your life is over. It means that it is about to begin!

Start reflecting on yourself and take an honest look at yourself in the mirror. You can use this Break UP experience and make it a Break THROUGH.

I love Eris, and I think she’s great – and she knows about breakups and how to change your life for the better after one…she’s doing a 6 week teleclass starting January 26th, and I absolutely wanted to let you know about it – she’s going to walk you through Step-By-Step how to heal your broken heart and Transform your Break UP into a Break THROUGH – so you can (like the title of her terrific new book)  go from Break UP to Break THROUGH AND BEYOND.  You can find out more about the teleclass here->

Let me know if you’d like more posts from me around what to do about a breakup – my work is about getting you back on your horse and Circular Dating as quickly as possible – and sometimes you need an extra boost to get your energy away from any one man and back where it belongs – on YOU.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Joyce on January 15, 2009 at 11:17 pm

    I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


  2.  #2alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 12:46 am

    i feel a little undone. i feel stuck. i feel angry. i feel angry. i love my anger. i love my rock hard anger. i love my street fight yeah fuck you c’mon anger. i love my golf club through a windshield anger. i love my cat piss on your best dress bc cat is angry at you anger. i love my rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfcukyourselfdouchebagand your mama too anger. hah finally. made myself laugh. riffing all night. i feel angry. first it was sad but right now i just feel angry. toxic good for muddling my godess vibe anger. i love my ten tons of energy 100 horsepower anger. i could eat your car you stupid dickbag. crunch crunch there goes the bumper. i feel like i am a really fine female and this guy will come knocking on my door again and i want my answer to be NO!

    i feel shaking in my sholuders and neck. i feel so much energy in my body. i feel love for this man. and i feel ? what do i feel? i feel shaking in my body. why am i shaking? i love me. i feel empowered. i feel scared. i feel relieved.

  3.  #3alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 12:56 am


    ok. sorry for all that yelling. i guess i felt the need to yell. ok even god does not knwo what is right from wrong until god experiences for god’s self.

    i did my best. i am doing my best. he is doing his best. it is just better this way. this is what i want. i want to be free of this man. please please please let this be the end. let him be a dickwad to me. let him go on to live a happy life and become a great person but let me go free and let true love come to me. let me be open to real love and

    ok. i feel better. i feel better.

  4.  #4Daria on January 16, 2009 at 12:58 am

    I feel sad… I just talked to this guy who I haven’t talked to in awhile… I returned his call without a message and well it didn’t go well… he seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me that much and kinda hurried up and got off the phone… I found some temporary job possibilities but nothing that my parents would approve of. I feel down after talking to my mom today. I feel like I have to get a perfect job that will make them happy instead of a job I can find easily that I can use to support myself until my company is set up. I feel down. That feels like downturned mouth corners. I feel angry. I love my downturned mouth corners. I love my anger. that feels like swallowing. I feel anger at myself and voices that want to beat me up. I love my voices. I feel down. That feels like tight teeth and tingly tummy. I love my tight teeth and tingly tummy. That kind of feels like smily, and now yawny. I feel irritated throat. I feel disgust. I feel ANGER. I feel down. That feels like down mouth corners again, like non moving head. I love my down mouth corners and non moving head. That feels like anger, which feels like tingles in my cheekbone and tummy. I love my tingles in my cheekbone and tummy. I love my tightness in the right part of my mouth. I love my desire to HIT something. RARGH. I feel interested. I feel curious about my anger. I feel tightness in my tummy. I love the tightness in my tummy. I feel sighing. I FEEL ANGERY. I FEEL ANGERY. hehe… I like how I spelled angery. I feel tightness in my arm. I feel sad. I feel dizzy. I love my dizzyness in the right part of my head and I love that it went away. I feel like smiling a little bit. I love my smile. That feels like blanking out. That feels like pushing under my left ear. That feels like coughing and dizzyness again. I love my left ear pushing, my coughing and dizzyness. That feels like yawning. i feel sedated. In a down way. I feel like an atrophied elephant. Not realy. That just felt fun to say. That feels like crinkled brows. that feels like giggling a little bit. HEHEHE… I feel like laughing now.. and smiling…

  5.  #5alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 1:25 am

    i feel shaking in my shoulders.i feel rigid in my neck. like i am hiding from someone. i feel that kind of rigidness in my upper body. i feel extremely self indulgent tracking my inner sensations this way. i feel embarrassed. i feel unworthy. i should be out picking lettuce crops in a big field somewhere under a hot scorching sun. that’s how unworthy i feel. like i should be a slave on a plantation. i feel intense non movement in my upperbody. wtf. i feel like punching my handthrough that stupid boy’s windhsield. i miss him already and that feels like hating myself. i feel like i should just quit. i feel like i want to turn that around. i love my self hatred and self punish.ment. i love my stiff shoulders and neck. i love that i haven’t been asked out by anbody i am interested in. no i do not love that. i love this moment. this moment is great. i had a great meal and now i am all rigid. safe in my cute apt. riffing away. indulging myself. i love bc i am love. and love is a very proficient manifester. i love that i am love.

    i want to decide what i want. i love that i am love. i love my indecision. and i love my desire to want to be specific. LIFE REWARDS THE BOLD NOT THE UNDECIDED. I saw that sign today. i thought it was sweet of the universe to take out a billboard like that just for me. awww that’s so romantic. thank you universe. xo 🙂

  6.  #6Maria on January 16, 2009 at 1:30 am

    Hah! it does make difference, cos AG – you are very right of what you said in capital letters. What made me think, tho, is that in that post above, there was NOTHING WRONG, it all happened out of the blue. So actually if a man acts lousy, (does not call, etc.) it is obvious sign. More awful would be that there is no any sign, everything is just totally perfect, and then BOOM!
    l could classify myself into the same category of that girl in post, so how did l got over him?
    l still havent. almost 1,5 years now.But it has teached me the waaaaaay different angle about relationships with men in general.

  7.  #7alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 2:42 am

    i feel triggered. it feels like at my job when people just want to stay stuck in victim mode and complaining. even though there is a new way of being presented to them they are not ready to change and i am. and of course i feel threatened by other people’s negatvity. it feels threatening to my blossoming godess mode. i feel a desire to be patient. sort of. i feel triggered. i must remind myself my way of thinking is not the only way or the best way. just the best i have found for me so far.

  8.  #8alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 2:45 am

    i like rori’s idea of speaking in feeling messages when responding to someone else’s comments.

  9.  #9Daria on January 16, 2009 at 2:58 am

    I feel fear. I feel angry that other people have easily accomplished what I want to. I think that Should make me feel safer and happy but instead I feel more afraid and I feel envious. I feel pushed down by my parents instead of up, although I know they are doing their best. They want to look out for my future. I feel worried. I feel dizzy. I feel sighing and looking down… I feel my eyes hurting from the light… I love my feelings… I love my defeatedness… I feel like a victim and I love that… I am so romantic and rescuable. Except no one will rescue me. No one ever rescues me except me. And taht feels kind of cool but it also feels indignant and isolating. I feel blaming. I feel like a rock in the sea, like a cliff. I feel like wouldn’t it be fun if guys offerered me money and help with finding my career and stuff like taht… instead of half the time getting indignant that I wnat them to take me out to eat and drive to me… I feel like I am way too rocky for guys to really be there for me. I am too independent for them. And when I’m not they don’t rescue me anyways. That feels like pouty lips. I love my pouty lips. I feel bored. I feel my confidence in myself shaken from not having a job. I am really good at my job and yet when I see other people that have made their own companies starting Exactly the way I want to (living in Hawaii, waitressing while crashing on friend’s couches) I feel jealous. I feel jealous because I feel stopped from doing this by my parents although I know it will work. I know if I get a waitressing job or a random part time job it will give me the money and independence I need to finish setting up my company. Instead of catering to their long term goals for me which somehow seem to exclude the possibility of my company being very successful. Which it most likely will be. I feel angry at them. I feel defeated and caged. I feel like leaving home and living in my car, although that is no fun when you have to go to the bathroom and shower. It might be ok if I had lots of blankets with me. I could live at my godsister’s house, but I would feel annoyed quickly, especially by all the tv’s running. Is your tv running? you better go catch it… lol… I would have to file for bankruptcy or something anyway if my parents weren’t loaning me money to pay the bills. I WANT to feel ok about signing up for these temp jobs without their approval. I guess part of it is that I don’t Rreally Really want to do this particular temp job. I mean I would do it but I would feel a little embarassed and bored. And that is ok. I love my embarassment and boredom.

  10.  #10Daria on January 16, 2009 at 3:10 am

    I mean I am a really good tutor so I wish I had gotten more references. I only have two written ones. That’s really all I need. I mean I am really good, that’s the thing. I am the best. Lol. Without discounting others. I helped build an entire tutoring center. I am starting to feel like /I am not good just because I haven’t had new clients in a few weeks. The truth is I haven’t advertised. That should be a Duh truth. I want clients to randomly come to me without me having to advertise. I want the guys who want to hit on me and say they want tutoring to actually come through and get tutored, not flake on me like I am trying to use them for money. Because I am really good at it. It’s not like they are giving me free money. they would probably feel more comfortable giving me free money. I feel confused. I feel like I don’t know how to earn money. I feel annoyed. I want a temp job I Really like universe. Where I can do easy and fun work and get paid more than enough money to pay my bills. The ones you found for me were great, and I would like more, especially taht I could impress my parents with. I probably care more about taht then paying my bills. I feel tired of being judged. It’s like now that I don’t have a job I have a ‘problem’ and I should see a psychologist. I mean how am I supposed to have a job when I just quit my job and you knew I was doing that. Was I supposed to suddenly have a hundred thousand dollar a year job? I mean that would be cool but waht I want is my own company and I am working on that the best I can. I am certainly ‘thinking’ about it all day. So supposedly that means I am doing ‘nothing.’ Yet if I ask for help finding clients or even making fliers well that seems like something ‘I should do.’ they can help me by giving me a textbook on Marketing. Gee thanks. Just what I needed a textbook on marketing. That is really focused on me and my needs. That shows you really care and are involved. Or how about a discussion about other stuff I can do that doesn’t have to do with my company or my direct goals. That feels so supportive. I feel numb. I feel super rageful and I feel numb. I feel like a spoiled brat and yet I feel and I want to feel that my concerns are warranted. I really don’t care. I know how to survive. I would survive just fine living in a shelter or in my car or on the street. Except for when I’m sick. I would hate to be sick and be out in the cold. I am still getting over this flu and so I have to remember that. I feel grateful for having my house and my family. They are like well since you live here you should contribute by paying for something. Well thanks. That’s great to be told right now when you know I don’t have an income and had to borrow money from you. Let me give you some money. Oh oops. I guess you forgot. I don’t have any. Haha sucks for you. Haha. Except it sucks for me too. I feel werid.

  11.  #11Maria on January 16, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    AG, just reading your comment about being triggered abut peoples negativity. Hope it was not the hidden reply to ma and my comment:) l really do hope it was not. Simply to put it, my -angle towards the attitude of life and men has shifted, but it has shifted in a good way. Cos from day to day l discover the strenght of me and really the meaning of taking care of myself. Hard to explain, everyone is different and everyones journey to happiness -ever after- is different too.

  12.  #12alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    i feel empowered. i am choosing to focus on what i want. i am creating new neropathways for bright new thoughts. soon they will be my habits, my new way of living. as automatic as my old unhealthy way of thinking was.

    new thoughts of a strong, vigorous, powerful, beautiful body. womanly and soft yet very strong and capable to do the things i like to do with it. to look at me you would not guess i had such incredible strength. 🙂 this thought and this reality feels extremely pleasing to me. i feel like i have a fun secret parlor trick i can pull out at any time. not to mention how energized and light i feel.

    new thoughts of refined tastes in fashio and home decorating and many aesthetical pleasures in life. i feel grateful i can create such beauty wherever i go. i feel uplifted by the beauty i create. i love that my environments and my clothes reflect my happy and fun state of mind. i am pleased when they bring good cheer for others.

    new thoughts like how incredibly grateful i am for the amzgin wealth and abundance of cash flows into my life and how i use it to generate joy and well being for myself and those around me and all the world over and throughout all universes. this excites me very much and i am pleased to wake up each morning and take exciting new steps on this adventure of mine. i feel resilient and almost to the point of blissfully unaware of negative judment or feedback from a race culture still grounded in misery and whatnot. i am attracted to and also attract business partners and friendships of people with similar vibration and love. i love that i am powered by love and my path gets gently nudged and corrected by love.

    new thoughts about attracting the man of my highest ideals and dreams. and that i am a woman of his highest ideals and dreams. we are eternally and magnificently grateful for our profound love respect admiration and attraction for each other. we have similar wants in regards to the type of relationship we want with each other and are untouched by the judments or skepticisms of the confused and downtrod-den in love of others. we choose each other out of love. i feel expansive and in awe of this love between us.

  13.  #13Linda G on January 16, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    I absolutely postively cannot seem to connect to any of the men I meet while circular dating. I have all the programs, listen to them religiously. I have changed my vibe, changed my job, gone back to school, changed my hair, my decor, done the excercises, turned away from my past, leaned back, stopped overfunctioning, created boundaries and I am miserable. I say yes to everyone I meet online for practice. The quality of their behavior is getting worse. cancelled dates, men who stop calling. Men who expect me to lean forward. I am uncomforatvble in my “cage” of misery, uncertain where to fly to. Nothing and nobody interests me, and when they do, they turn cold on me. I had a man travel 400 miles to meet me on New Years Eve, promise to come back and take me somewhere glorious for my birthday, and then call me to dump me, the trip was too much for him, not worth it. I immediately did what I could to get a date for my birthday with another man I had been speaking with online. He called in sick Men who freak out because I use a nickname for my internet address and a more firomal name for my voicemail, like I’m deceiving them somehow. Men who expect me to make reservations and when I say I feel embarrassed because I expected them to make them, forgive me for misunderstanding and expect me to go ahead and make travel plans, maps and phone calls. I want to be open, to experience all the men I can, but this is too depressing. I know Rori says you attract the type of man you are ready for. Yikes!
    I feel old and worn out. I long for my toxic past just to see if I can mend it, when I know it was over months before I let it go. Like Rori, I can’t make any relationship stick. And now, I can’t even get a bite from a decent guy, and when I do, he disappears after 2 dates.
    Excuse me for posting this in two places, but I feel a need a to be heard.

  14.  #14alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    i feel open to hearing linda’s pain. i feel confident one finds love once once finds love for self. i feel confident what we focus on we attract. when i was in a place of attracting low quality men i took a breather, took myself offline and began dating myself. truly giving myself what i had so DESPARATELY wanted a man to give. me. now i give it to myself. i am 100% confident i will attract the man of my dreams. in the meanwhile i am open to experimenting with dating myself and finding happiness and inspiration wherever i can. for example today i decorated my new mcmansion. i have collected pictures over time and today i actually sat down and started designing it so i can have a clear picture in my head to help with my visualization and manifestation.

    i feel thrilled linda has shared her angst and i feel great love. i know this will turn around for her and she will be amazed.


  15.  #15alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    also i am still practicing with men who approach me and finding new activities or places to go to allow men who are searching for someone as fabulous as me to find me.

  16.  #16Linda G on January 16, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    It feels good to have alis girl acknowledge my angst. using feeling messages to respond to posts is comforting, although it feels slightly contrived as I know they are prescribed. But thank you for listening and responding in such a caring and eloquent manner.
    I have been dating myself for most of my life now. I am a single mom of school age twins and I spend most of my free time alone. I have very few friends and those I do have I rarely see. I am not a young mom, and I have been involved with only a few men since my kids were born, although a good number before. I don’t see it happening for me, at least not the way I always hoped. I have been reduced to taking crumbs from men, grateful they even consider us. Actually, only one has, and he couldn’t do it.
    I don’t want to date myself any more. I need a partner. I find even when I attract high quality men, they don’t want me, they don’t want us. actually, I know it’s me who cannot do it. Which is why I try hard with Rori’s tools. When i read everybody’s posts i am so jealous. It’s like I am watching lives happen and I cannot break in.

  17.  #17jen on January 16, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Hey linda, this is the first time I do this but I just felt I needed to respond to what you wrote.
    Finding a good man is not an easy task, so don’t get so discouraged if it takes a little time. The difference now is that you are not wasting your time on men that aren’t worth it. As long as you did all those changes for you because they made you feel better about who you are or took you closer to where you want to be then you definitely made the right choice. I would really like to recommend a book to you if you don’t mind. It really helped me and many of my friends as well. The title sounds ridiculous but it was the best $15.00 I ever spent. It’s called “Why men love bitches”. This is definitely not the kind of book I would usually buy but I was so desperate that I was willing to go beyond and try to fix my situation. It completely changed my relationship with my husband (who was becoming verbally abusive and toxic). I respect myself, i am a motivated person, people think I am amazing but the problem with me was that I was too nice. This book teaches you from A to Z, no matter what stage of your relationship you are in. I have seen this work for many of my friends, of which one is getting married in April! It’s hard for me to speak to you because I don’t know what happened exactly. All I can tell you is that this book finally gave me the answers I had been looking for and I had been looking for them for a really long time. Let me know what you think and good luck.

  18.  #18Ann on January 16, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Linda “HUGS” I hear you.

    The words “I feel” are triggering me to say I feel WTF with the words. The funny thing is I don’t feel angry, I feel confused. I’m not quite getting the correlation between the words. If I am angry I don’t see the difference between the words “I feel angry” and “I am angry”.

    Now I feel like I want to embrace this some more.

  19.  #19alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    sometimes it is painful to believe in our dreams bc we feel there in no hope. i can honestly and truly say doing rori’s self esteems series really helped me. in so many ways. and then once i actually FELT things shifting i knew i could start belieivng things could change for me.

    to ann i feel confused. i do not understand your post or what you are asking or maybe you weren’t asking something?

  20.  #20alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    i for so long thought having girlfriends and healthy satisfying friendships was not in the cards for me.i thought true friendship didn’t exist and that people were just fake with each other and spent time with each other bc they didn’t want to be alone.

    i feel very interested in developing NEW THOUGHTS about this. surely this is a possibility in the realm of human experiences. i mean i am not asking to fly without wings or build pyramids.

    i am going to go rent a female friendship movie. RIGHT NOW!. i can fill my mind with new possibility. i feel very excited about this. i always wanted genuine friends ! ooofff yae!

  21.  #21Ann on January 16, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    Thanks for responding to me AG. I feel confused by the words “I feel”. Whom am I saying “I feel” for? If I’m angry(and no I’m not at the moment) I already know I feel angry, so what’s the difference in saying “I feel angry” and “I am angry”? That’s just where I am at that moment, it doesn’t defined me.

    Now I feel like I might be confusing you and others as I’m feeling my way through this. I apologize if I am.

  22.  #22alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    ok i’m at the movie store and two realizations

    1) i don’t want to watch a movie. i want my own REAL experiences

    2) i see everything different. i have watched friendship stuff before. i just always saw it as one step removed. like how some people think about traveling to alaska or somewhere they really want to go and it iis always one stepped removed. like ah sigh i wish but will never happen for me. but some people look at a brochure for alaska and say ah yes i know i will visit someday. and never lose their conviction and take steps to go.

    so ok.

  23.  #23alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    i am can be very different than i feel. it is a theoretical spiritual idea for me though. in brief. i am is what? do research on i am. really dig and find out who or what is the deepest layer you can go on i am. mom, lover, friend, teacher. lover of alaskan trip, coffee drinker etc keep going as deep as you can. eventually you MAY discover there is ANN and then there is I AM LIVING ann.

    i feel is sensual and gets you in touch with what you ann are feeling. also i know when other people use the words i feel i immediately tune into them and have compassion and also interest. which i feel interested and curious about that. but honestly that is my half wit answer. rori would have better answer as she is the one who developed program and choice of language.

    i just know it yields satisfying results! experiment for your self and see which results you like better. 🙂

  24.  #24alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    lame ass phone. types for crap.

    I AM and then I AM which is living as this wonderful creature ANN.

    that’s my idea anyway based on things i’ve read and intuitively feel to be true.


  25.  #25Ann on January 17, 2009 at 12:01 am

    Thank you Alias Girl. I feel listened to. I feel like I want to let your words sink in tonight. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me.

  26.  #26Reshi on January 17, 2009 at 12:43 am

    Ouch Linda. That’s the story of my life. I feel I’m attracting exactly the men I’m ready for, which is no one. They are disappearing after one date or sometimes, after one phone call or one e-mail. 🙁 And you know what, I feel fine with that. I feel slightly annoyed and slightly inadequate–like there’s something wrong with me that everyone can see but me–but bottom line, I feel fine. None of these guys are my partner. I know when I see their pictures online, when I read the words on my profile. “This is NOT the man I am going to marry.” They are all practice, and I’m a slow learner, and I suppose that’s just the way it has to be for me right now. I don’t know WHAT I would do if someone was pursuing me hot and heavy. I don’t know what I would do if I ended up in a situation where someone was trying to kiss me. I feel very alienated from that.

  27.  #27Tracy on January 17, 2009 at 12:56 am

    i feel the same way as you about using the feeling messages….however i believe the basic idea is not saying the word in your conversations but actually feeling the words in heart as you say them. at the beginning when i started reading posts from these blog i felt confused and a bit off because everyone kept using the feeling messages and it felt foreign to me…..i was feeling out of place….but now i can identify with what the other lovely ladies are saying…for me its all about focusing more on how the world feels in us…going through life not by merely existing but living and feeling how that inspires us to be better people….
    now i feel like i am talking too much…
    Linda i feel that when you focus more on what YOU can do to make you happy and vibrant a true divine goddess and not what others can do to make you feel that way, for me hat is when you trully feel loved and cherised.I n this way you will notice that you are then able to attract others to love you the same way and it feels great.
    I can totally relate to the feeling of despair and just wanting a partner to share your life with,and always meeting guyz that seem less attractive,or not so interesting however i believe the idea is too try and practice feeling messages with all these wonderful people in order to learn how to connect with them and learn how to transfer energy from them to you and not the other way round….how to lean back…
    I feel that once you love to u,and be happy with u then everything else just flows… takes time and its a process but a wonderful experience that i feel inspires me to become a better person..

  28.  #28heartbeat on January 17, 2009 at 1:21 am

    WOW I’m just so fascinated and amazed – I feel honoured to be part of this. I’m reading all the comments and saying YES and breathing more deeply. I’m feeling love. I feel billions of words swirling around wanting to get out, like the froth on a cream soda 🙂

    AG I’m nodding at your explanation of ‘I feel’ v ‘I am’. Yes, yes YES!! Ann, Linda, I recognise that stuff about words and IT FEELS SO GOOD doing this, and being here with you. Thank you 🙂

  29.  #29heartbeat on January 17, 2009 at 1:24 am

    And Tracey too, I love the bit about feeling in your heart 🙂

  30.  #30Maria on January 17, 2009 at 1:53 am

    Hey Tracy l know what you mean on focusing yourself. l quess my path has been starting to do that, cos most of the time l have been NOT focusing myself at all. Tell you, it is safe, fun and experimenting, learning your strenght and boundaries. Cos why men “love bitches”? Not because they are bitches, but they do know what is good for THEM. And that is attractive.
    Actually, when it comes to online dating l have discovered one very good thing, which works for me. What l do is that first l choose the ones l like, and then, before l decide the next move, l talk to them long before l decide to meet. l build bridges and actually, even when we meet and we dont click, l have noticed that they are very much interested to stick in my network, cos l have “invested” and learned the person a bit more. To Practice Roris tools, l have learned few fundamental tips, that in past has done me no good, but when l use them, l see it works.
    l belive there is hope. there is l know:)

  31.  #31Maria on January 17, 2009 at 1:56 am

    oh, just to correct my poor english -Rori tips l have used has worked in my life to erase bad patterns that has done me no good in past….that is the correct version:)

  32.  #32alias girl on January 17, 2009 at 2:47 am

    holy mother of god. out of nowhere an ex showed up in my life. and what?! what?! just out of the blue. it’s not something i allow with men in my life. they are not allowed to just show up ON MY DOORSTEP. after years. what?! that is truly bizarre.

    i feel like i just had the most alien experience. i tried to use feeling messages but honestly a part of me is not open to him. i at least got to see how i overfundtioned in the past. he didn’t seem that interested in my feeling messages. maybe bc alot of me feels anger and almost like ??? what?!

    so life truly is bizarre. i feel confused now. at least i did not feel like having sex with him at all. i mean i am still attracted to him but i do not feel safe. like he just does what he wants when he wants and this is just one more example of that. i feel happy i got to see him bc i have love for him and he is a very important person in my life but i feel angry. and then when he lefti felt that same sinking feeling i used to feel. like he triggered some abandonment stuff in me. wow. this is weird. never in a million years did i guess this would occur.

    but i don’t think it’s much to do with me. c’mon. fri nite? may he just got desparately lonely. or who knows. i don’t feel special. i don’t feel romanced. i don’t feel connected to this man. i feel like he was someone i loved more than anyone i had ever loved and he literally abandoned me.

    and then he just pops in for a chat? i feel angry.

    if someone’s going to come back like that they need to like fucking propose or offer a big apology or some shit. not just hey. i was gonna call but i don’t have your number.


    although i must admit i do love the drama. cutting my soul friend out of my life for hopefully forever a couple of nights ago. my other ex texting me and not stepping up and now this ghost from the past just showing up out of nowhere.

    i feel very dramatic. 🙂 perfect. i can have two ex lovers and circular date. yae i can have complex unresolvable love situations in my life. i feel very soap operaish.

  33.  #33alias girl on January 17, 2009 at 3:07 am

    i feel triggered. i must not have been feeling very much in his presence but i feel a lot now. i feel tense in my left shoulder and shakey in my tummy and confused. ok now i feel like having sex with him thank god for that delayed reaction. i feel shakey inside. i feel twitching in the middle of my back. i feel like i want to disconnect and check out blank out. i feel curious about that urge. i feel like i am a diferen person now. i am a godess now and i wish he had eecognized that. he didn’t even tell me i was beautiful. why the fuck did he even stop by. rgh. i feel happy he did but also angry. i am not that same girl buster. new rules new game. oh and he said i’l call you as if he assumes it’s ok. i feel idignant he did not ask my permission to be a part of my life. i feel indignant at his hubris. i feel smarter than him. how can i date a man i feel smarter than? although i feel smarter than most people so i guess i’ve got to have a little leeway there (hah hah miss smarty pants can’tt even spell properly in the sentnence in which she is boasting about supposed near geniusness. hahah)

    i feel curious. ok. i feel curious. what other fascinating unexpected thing will happen ? i am open to it all. perhaps i will take them all as lovers and still circular date. hm. maybe. maybe i will take mr toxic who just doesn’t know anybetter back and revoke my don’t contact me forever statement and have them all. hmmm. i don’t know. i feel confused. i can’t take mr toxic back. that is not a proper situation for me. i feel triggered

  34.  #34heartbeat on January 17, 2009 at 3:15 am

    Oh what?!! I have an ex out of the blue story too, AG – but I don’t want to rush it all out as I’m off to work (it’s morning here) so more after the weekend. But just to add that mine turned up while my man was here, he turned up to support me (neither of us knew this at the time) with my sister dying (as it turns out his since wife died a couple of years ago). He’s an ex from 30 years ago!! That feels a long time ago. I feel so sad writing about my sister.

  35.  #35alias girl on January 17, 2009 at 3:20 am

    ann i feel so good when you express appreciation. i feel good to be recognized whne i try to help.

    tracy i feel interested in what you said about getting the enrgy coming towards me rather than it going the other way. i felt like my energy was going OUT toward this man tonight. i felt masculine in that the lulls in conversation felt too long when i tried to lean back so i picked up the slack. i feel like i wasn’t godeesy with him. like we have old ideas of each other. i see him ass the old person i used to know. (and feel anger towards) and i think he probably sees me as this ol dperson he once new that was DEPARATELY in love with him and put up with wicked bad behavior and completely overfunctioned ESPECIALLY SEXUALLY. i jsut gave and gave and gave. ick. i love that i am grossed out about my old behavior. i love that i was not recognized as a godess tonight. i love that i feel confused and over amped. i feel ok. i feel like with this blog i am on solid ground. i can make the best strongest decisions to support my godess self.

    i feel a great appreciation for the women who support this blog

  36.  #36alias girl on January 17, 2009 at 3:22 am

    heartbeat i am very sorry for your loss of your sister. my heart feels for you.

    i feel interested in your story.

  37.  #37Bebe on January 17, 2009 at 9:01 am

    Hi Linda,
    My heart goes out to you ..I can feel your hope, and your frustration.
    For what it is worth, about one year ago I tried on line dating just to circulaur date, felt my LI was neglecting us/taking us for granted etc.
    Anyway, it was fun getting alot of responses immediately,
    I felt so discouraged by quality of men also on line, Never again , I believe in person is where you meet best men for you, and get that instant click of attraction.

    Anyway maybe it was in that age group 39-52. Went on dates, none of them matched up to what I desire,. I learned to apprediate myself more and realizes how special and rare I am.
    One an Attorney was really into me, went out witth him a few times, treated me well, was a gentleman, just turned off by him physically, His appearance was not repulsive just did not turn me on, he was very serious could have headed into marriage. I feel sorry if I hurt him,
    Point is ‘when you are going thru hell keep on going’ quote from oneof my favoite country songs.

    Maybe places where not married Dads maybe like kids sports games, fairs, Even going yourself or with kids out for breakfast or lunch on Sat or Sun mornings, TRUST Me available men will notice you and maybe easy to start friendly chit chats, maybe one place where Rori’s rules may be broken, about speaking first or initiating convo.
    Please don’t give up, looks like you are doing loving work on self and vibe,
    Let us know more..

  38.  #38Bebe on January 17, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Am amazing development that occured when these men, especially the atty., started stepping up the interest , my LI , who knew nothing of this, on his own did a complete about face, AS if he could sense or knew.

  39.  #39Linda on January 17, 2009 at 10:31 am

    I read this post. I have recently been through the worst break-up ordeal of my life. I will be 50 next month. I never saw this coming and I was not prepared for it. Now more than ever am I fully aware that we are never too old to learn. Hearing the words I heard and seeing the actions that I saw from the man that had passionately pursued me, repeatidly asked for and was ultimately given the most precious place in my life, devistated me. I can not in all my life recall that has been worse. I have spent countless hours since last August crying, wishing, praying.. reading.. self helping…writing…you name it, trying to understand in order to fix things. I wrestled and reasoned with myself, God, others…. I looked and looked for answers,etc etc. Did I find a cure for my pain? No, nothing I did helped for long anyway. I just found small temporary pockets of relief.

    Have you ever seen the circus act where the performer has these long poles and places china plates on them giving them a good spin…and you watch them repeat it over and over until to your amazement there are several spinning and they are going from pole to pole, keeping the plates spinning and balanced. Then you see one loose it momentum and just as it wobbles badly and is just about to fall..but they gets there in just the nick of time and they spin it again?. That was me. Everything I was trying to doing to keep my dream/hope of this relationship to be restored alive was like the performer spinning the plates.

    Earlier this week, I had a melt down. I came to the end of myself. It was not pretty. I simply could not keep going.It was not just about this lost relationship but others too. I could not take another step, think another thought, answer the phone… nothing. I cried. I cried until I had no more tears to cry. .. During that cry all the plates every last one of them fell to the ground and they all shattered to pieces. The only strength I had was to utter..”I cant do this anymore, I cant fix things”….. With that I relinquished my hold the situations. My plate spinning exsists no more.

    I used to avoid looking in the mirror when all this first happened. When I did look I felt ugly and worthless because of his rejection of me. Today, after relinquinshing my internal hold and drive on what I wanted more than anything in my life, I see a very different woman. My focus has changed. I see someone I feel proud of. Not a haughty self-righteous proud but a soft appreciative proud that comes through my relinquishment and brokeness.

    I see woman who loves deeply and honestly. She is sincere and caring. She is doesnt play games with people and is a woman of her word. She values people and relationship. She has wonderful adult daughters who are a joy to watch be the women she helped mold and who now deposit richly in to her own life. She is still soft and tender, hopeful for good in her life. She is resillient, strong and wiser. She is proud that she fully and honorably loved this man even though he did not offer it to her in return. Even when he lied and dishonored her she did not return like behavior. She knows she gave it her absolute best and she will not ever have to wonder if she did. and…. inspite of her present situation she will continue to be the same (only wiser) person irreguardless of her acceptance or rejection. I respect and trust this woman I see in the mirror today. I like her.too!

    I dont know what your circumstances are. I dont know what you long for or are holding on to that may not be happening in your life. but…others and their choices are out of our control. We are only responsible for ours. If you can look in the mirror and offer yourself grace and respect then you have two important ingredients for getting through anything life throws at you. Work on what you need to but love yourself while doing it. Invest your energy in things and people that build you up and if they dont… then just STOP!

    The people that have influenced me the most in life are those that have treated me poorly because it has shown me the great importance of treating others well. A gracious woman attains honor… start with yourself and you will have something good to give.


  40.  #40Linda G on January 17, 2009 at 10:32 am

    You are all so marvellous! I fel redeemed, or at least I feel hopeful that I will eventually create and have the life I need and want. All these exes turning up! Isn’t that what Rori says in her program? About when we truly turn our backs on them and focus on ourselves, change our vibe, all sorts of men will be turning up!
    When my ex turned up after a few months he did not respond to my feeling messages at all. I think he was disappointed I was unavailable to him in that overfunctioning way I was when we were together. Nevr heard from him again. I know how you feel. I felt it would take a stronger effort on his part for me to respond. He didn’t make it. I have tried to put him behind me. He may never be able to to really show up in the way I need him to. Gotta let it go.
    This morning I went on a coffee date for a first meeting. The guy didn’t even show up! I had an intereting conversation with a very handsome man about feelings and thoughts and all sorts of cool stuff. Turns out he lives close by. I was so hopeful, but he is married. But at least it makes me feel like I can talk to someone. Perhaps his being unattached made it easier for him to relax and talk. No ulterior motives. Perhaps it is a numbers game. When we circular date off the internet, it’s a crap shoot.
    Tonight I have a dinner date with a guy who is acting helpless. I am trying to just go with it for the experience. But I think you girls are onto something, when you speak about just focusing on ourselves, building ourselves up and not putting so much effort into meeting men for now.
    My poor kids. I spend so much time searching, they are always waiting, I feel. But I am trying to do it for them and me. We need a stable life, filled with more love than we have right now. Maybe I’m just unsure I can provide it all. maybe I just need something/someone giving to me for a change.

  41.  #41Cookie on January 17, 2009 at 10:54 am

    hi, ladies, goddesses, queens
    I feel so connnected to everything i am reading esp linda’s disappointment with the type of men that she is meeting or the lack thereof. i feel the same thing, i met this toad yesterday as i was taking myself to the movies, he gave me his number, i will not call. he disgusted me in the first minute, which makes me afraid that this is what dating is like, which is always what happens when i decide to “see what’s out there”. i miss by guy so much, i just want to kiss him on his lips and forget everything shitty that he has been doing in the last few weeks. but later on that night i went out with his sister to an after work spot and though i didn’t attract any new men. i enjoyed myself, until men starting knocking into me almost knocking me down, which made me feel invisible for a minute but then i bumped into someone else and the waitress said excuse me and I knew that I was still there. this stuff feels so scary but i keep trying baby step by baby step to do this. I want a partner too.

  42.  #42Bebe on January 17, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Wow, you are a GEM.
    So eloquent,
    I feel angry about what happened to you.
    I definetely related to keeping the plates spinning but in my own world not with LI, to him I finally surrender and express my heart, did not stuff feelings that were choking in my throat, this AM a few tears came, he loves me , he made it all good,
    I will never not be fully me and avoid emotional intimacty This is our female strengh.
    Linda, maybe you are in the midst of a rebirth…

    My previous posts comments were meant for Linda G. who has young kids
    so there isn’t any confusion.

  43.  #43Tracy on January 17, 2009 at 11:47 am

    i can totally relate on how difficult it is to shift from focusing on others and onto yourself….i am still learning and feels so foreign to me….i feel sometimes that all i have done is live other people’s lives,their expectations but not what i wanted to do….i feel i now can lay back and just live my life at my own pace and feels so new fresh and exciting…al these new tools i am trying to do…circular dating,leaning back…listening at level 2…i feel i have this new hope,trying something new for a change…something thats actually working..
    i always felt there was something wrong i was doing when it came to men,and how i related to them…now i feel like i am finally getting it and whats even better my own personal life is improving as well and it feels fantastic….i feel different and i feel happier!

  44.  #44Tracy on January 17, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Alias g
    i am so happy for you that all these love is coming back….i believe Xs can feel your goddess vibe and are attracted to it……i feel u did great leaning back and that’s why u can identify how he made u feel and what u wanted to do about it…………its all rori has been talking about…amaizing…i feel inspired thanks for your lovely update it gives me so much hope!
    About the energy power one of rori’s posts talks about leaning back and how by doing the guy leans foward so by doing that he’s actually doing all the work,and transferring his energy to u and u get to be on the receiving end…..i guess this way u don’t have to worry what to say,u just feel his presence,experience and respond……..its amaizing i am still learning it…i’am really just on my baby steps but it feels great…i was those overfunctioning kind so its such a relief to just sit back and respond….feels so new and foreign…

    Heart beat……….Amen to siren power and our goddess nature………

  45.  #45Rori Raye on January 17, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Dear Linda – Thank you for your gorgeous post – and I picture you as a gorgeous goddess, all of a sudden beginning to feel full with herself…I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.

    I hope you’ll take this experience – all of it, and take the GOOD of it with you into what I truly believe, with all the experiences of my clients – will be the lifetime love you want and deserve. Just keep doing the Tools, and you’ll discover more wonderfulness – inside you and outside you – than you ever even thought possible. Love, Rori

  46.  #46Maria on January 17, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Thank you so much for bouncing back, see, the thing is – what l discovered, that taking care and putting myself first does not go only with relationship toward men, but also it enlarges to other parts of life – you relationship with your boss, femaile friends, even relation toward bank manager you have to negotiate. If you are Goddess of your Life, you are goddess for men, too.
    l wish l had never learned it in a hard way. In my dreams l wished all this would come easier for me – as relationships with men, that l never have to suffer and work hard for getting love, cos there are women, who “got it all”and l dreamed of being such a kind, l dreamed that the love of my life actually is there ever after with me and we will have those wonderful mocca-children (cos we both looked gorgeous) and a family filled with love and growth, l did wish that l was his inspiration and a woman he could say “you were the reason l was born”, most of all, l did dream about Safety in relationship with a man – knowing that no matter what there wont be “out o the blues news”….
    however, since l do not gain that naturally l need to refocus, cos what l have done, is always trying to fit in. Now lm with tiny steps, learning how to get things my way, with full politness toward my boss, or that bank teller, but with a velvet hammer! (if you know that tool, l must say it is excellent, please do use it!)

  47.  #47Ann on January 17, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Alias girl your welcome. I appreciate all the help I can get. I feel we all benefit when we support and encourage each other. I want to get feel good energy moving toward me instead of putting my energy out there for people in my life who don’t appreciate it. But I feel I must start with me or should I say continue with me. How I treat myself is how others will treat me. What feels good to me? I feel good when I put my makeup on every day even tho my complexion is good enough I only use a little. I feel good when I put perfume on everyday. I want to small good for ME because I
    like it. I feel good as I grow when I can see and FEEL the difference in me.

    Heartbeat I’m so sorry for the lost of your sister. Hugs.

  48.  #48Madeline on January 17, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    Hey I am new in the blog but I have been recieving rori raya’s articles on relationship. Can anyone tell me how I can email her directly for any advices? please and thank you i appreciate anything because I am in a serious relationship problem

  49.  #49heartbeat on January 19, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    I feel so inspired and fascinated reading all the new comments. I’m searching for words and just feeling awed and grateful to be here.

    Thank you for your kind words about my sister, Alias Girl and Ann. She is still with us but I don’t know for how much longer. I feel afraid.

    Madeline – I’m interested to hear more and you will get loads of support from us all, and Rori’s posts are amazing. There is an address to contact her directly, I think it is on the home page of her website.

  50.  #50alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 12:03 am

    i feel like a goddess. i called my ex (the fri nite attempt at a booty call AFTER 2 YEARS. yeah ok) i called and told him i don’t feel good. that reconnecting right now doesn’t feel good. it doesn’t feel special. i told him i don’t want what we had. it was good at the time but that it doesn’t fit in my life right now. i told him i’m not sure why he stopped by if it was just some reaction to something that happened in his life but it doesn’t feel right.

    basically he said no worries. i mean not exactly but that was the gist of it. he does not connect to my feeling messages. i mean he did say i don’t want you to feel bad. but i didn’t feel CONNECTED.

    i feel better. i would rather have no man than the way that man is reappearing. blech. ew. ick. yuck. gross. ick. ew.ew. i feel like shaking him off me.

    two exs off my horse. one more to go. but this last guy gets trampled and kicked by my horse and after i pushed him off and he still calls. god knows why.but honestly i feel a little over him too. seriously. over it. bye.

    i am trying to be open. i am open to dating. new men. many new men. i feel confident they will show up. maybe i just had to really shake these two(three) guys first. i feel empowered. i refuse to allow anyone to make me feel bad about myself.

    i can and i wll develop the sorts of relationships i like with people.i can and i will. i feel determined. i am going to take a bath.

  51.  #51alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 1:05 am

    i feel alone. i feel angry at everyone. i feel i took three hundred steps back. i feel like i am in my icky childhood again just all alone. i feel swallowing in my throat. i feel like hitting myself. i feel blurry eyes from tears. i feel angry. i feel hateful. i feel self protective. i love my instinct to protect myself. i love my poor choice in men. i love that i have no new men asking me out. frowney face. pouted lip. tears. i feel angry. i feel like the odd duck. i feel left out. i feel hateful.

    the good news is i took a bath and imagined it was the man in my life , my one and only who totally ADORES me. i imagined he was giving me the bath and saying sweet things to me and telling me how grateful he was he had me in his life. it touched me so deeply i cryed. tears of joy.

    so ok i am straddling two worlds here. my new way of being and my default unconscious way of being.

    i feel better. i am just sad bc i don’t have my guy yet not because i ditched two unsuitable suitors whose behavior is completely not acceptable or worthy for the likes of me.i feel conceited. i don’t care. i feel indifferent to people’s judgment. i feel hostile and defensive. it’s ok. i love my knee jerk reactions. these were two hugely improtant people to me. is ok i am a little reactive to a new way of life.

    omg. i feel sad. i feel like a canyone was just made in my soul. like someone just set off a big explosion and now it’s all just scorched earth. i feel slefpity. i love my self pity. i love my scorched eart big hole inside me. i love letting these men go for the rest of my life. i had to. i feel like i have more energy in my body. my cheeks were even flushed. usually i look drained. i have my energy back. i feel better. i feel an urge to care for myself and move on with my life.

    i feel conflicted. i feel like arguing with myself. i feel like blah.

  52.  #52heartbeat on January 20, 2009 at 1:43 am

    alongside ya, AG = sending a hug on my way to work 🙂 X

  53.  #53alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 2:03 am

    thank you heartbeat. it feels very comforting to read that. i feel less alone. xoxo

    i feel like i am getting my energy back. i am focussing on me and making myself happy. i’ve been working on my new hobbie and also spending time studying the LOA.

    i was reading about fear. fear is a big energy sap and so the more i have been disallowing fear to take and of my energy (or rather refocussing quickly and not GIVING my energy to fear. i can feel how mush more enrgy i have.)

    i feel clean breaths. i feel hopeful. i feel AMAZED at my resilience. i am at a new nromal then when i first arrived at this blog. and i am excited to keep ascending. i feel pretty good.

    i feel like high quality and high degree of difficulty for sure. i feel content and hopeful. i feel grateful.

  54.  #54alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 2:08 am

    not IT. but rather, I feel comforted. i used IT statements with my ex too and i feel they are less effective and one step removed from my vulnerability.
    not IT felt comforting. what is IT?
    IIII feel comforted by reading your words, heartbeat. thank you. 🙂

  55.  #55Flipper on January 20, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Yes, AGG, I feel IT is like one essential, sometimes hard baby step on the way, and that leads to the next one, * I *, even more satisfying and energizing. Your 300 steps backwards feel more like 300 in every direction – maybe challenging to get them inbalance, but certainly enriching once you do. Congratulations on your X clean up-list.

    I feel violated, pissed, plunged to the depths of my despair pit. I feel that my fears have been realized and I am exposed on this site. Ironically, just when I thought I was getting that taken care of to prevent it. I have seen the evidence and feel hardening in my neck, throat, stomach, all the joints frozen up, tightness in my forehead, droopy hair. I feel unprotected, naive, silly, like a bad little girl hiding dirty secrets. I AM NOT. This is just my private, adult life that is my right, to share or NOT as IIIIIIIIIII please or NOT. I feel like I want to say my anger and disgust and I’m afraid that I will give up in fear and strangulation and what’s the use. I feel like I keep backing myself into corners and there’s no room, no room however small or Huge I am. I feel tears, thank you tears, I love you long lost tears; I feel desire no wanting no just wishing? to fight. Maybe that’s why I can’t fight (yet). I feel that’s coming, despite my patience. I wish for impatience. I want to feel AS IF I’m fighting and clawing, and there’s such langourous Satie on the radio right now all I can feel is immense melancholy, so I will sink into that and feel all the sadness for the things happening in my family.

  56.  #56alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 11:37 am

    flipper. thank you. 😉

    you have a RIGHT to be who you are. or maybe even a DUTY. yes, is difficult in our society of closed doors, stuffed emotions, cloaked affairs, and status quo. DO NOT LET ANYONE PROJECT THEIR SHAME ONTO TO.

    ok sorry. i guess i feel triggered by my goddess friend flipper’s post.

    i woke up the other day flushed in shame and embarrassment that my life calling had come to fruition bc it would me such revealing nd exposure of myself. but what choice do i have? to hide forever in my cave for fear of what people may say about my TRUE self.

    i will pull into my life the people who love me when i speak my truth. those other people who reject me when my truth is revealed are

    1) reacting out of fear. something about my truth is causing an irritation to their status quo comfort zone
    2) only comfortable when i fit into their purposes of who i am to them. rather than supporting my true genuine growth as who i authentically am choosing to be
    3) are not capable of unconditional love. ok. who is. so i forgive them in their own growth process that my newly revealed (EXPOSED!) truth has unwittingly triggered in them.

    good luck flipper. may you find inner strength and self love in this crtical time.xoxo

  57.  #57Flipper on January 20, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    I’m feeling your words like a soothing balme on my twitchy arms, Alias Girl. Thank you. I tried to confront my perpetraitor, that feels a tiny toe-forward bit better.
    Some people are just going to be so unbelievably fulfilled and fulfilling to you when they accept the privilege and duties of getting you into their lives.

  58.  #58alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    awwww i feel melted and appreciated by flipper’s comment. awww. i feel nice. xoxo

  59.  #59alias girl on January 20, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    i feel like a godess fountain with mist floating into the air and if a man (anyone) gets close enough they can partake in tthe overflow of my fountain.

    i feel like a warm firelight. i feel like a fun beach party! i feel the depth of my offerings and who knew it would take SENDING AWAY the men i love (but could not love me back in a way that FELT good or dreamy). who knew that doing that would put me in touch with my value. i feel loveable and i feel like i will make some guy really happy in a relationship sense. some lucky guy. i’m not perfect in any way. none. there may be all different kinds of women out there with many better attributes than myself. but i have something very uniquely delicious to offer.

    i feel a little bad for the guys who don’t make the cut. sorry boys, i can only choose one. hehee 🙂

  60.  #60Becca on March 3, 2009 at 11:07 pm


    I liked this article and feel it is so true. I know how difficult it is not to dwell on a relationship that has broken up. When my 2.5yr relationship broke up about 7 months ago I felt devasted and couldn’t stop crying. I wanted him back but knew it was beyond my control. I felt heart broken… but I did learn a lot about myself and life in general and believe that I am a stonger person for having had this experience (though of course I wish it upon no one to go through this experience).

    We stayed in contact, though not often over the 4 month after that, then at our 2nd or 3rd catch up since the break (I know you should have no contact but we had to give back possesions etc and it was easier to keep it friendly) he admitted that he missed me and still had feelings for me. At this stage I had already made the decision to move interstate (where I now am) for a job that was going to help my career. I think hearing this news, and that he already was thinking of me prompted him to come back. We have been seeing each other, dating I guess you could say, since then (for about 3 months now), and while we’ve had issues to sort out and things are different (though some are the same) we are for now just seeing what happens.

    I still love him. I was getting over him when he came back and some of my friends think I should not even be giving him the chance that I am. No one can tell if we are going to work out… we are long distance now as I still moved, and there aren’t any jobs for him up here otherwise he would move to be with me. I do feel homesick a lot and he has been understanding about it.

    The thing is everyone has a different opinion and I sometimes let the negative ones (the ones that say and ex is an ex for a reason) get to me when I shouldn’t as there is no wrong or right in these situations.

    We were quite young when we first got together, and still are. We are definitely not ready to get married or have kids yet, and in this sense an exclusive relationship “girlfriend” might be something I would accept, as I would like us to be committed in that way.

    I guess the bottom line is… if he comes back and there is still love there, the relationship can work and I feel upset that people automatically say that it can’t (which may be true in many cases) but how do you know if you don’t give it a try. It just takes both people wanting to be together and willing to sort through differences. Every couple has disagreements, rough patches, ruts, arguments, I believe that how we handle these situations is teaches us to learn and grow indivually and together. The key here though is both people. Even though we broke up (other circumstances in our lives also impacted on our relationship) doesn’t mean we can’t have a long term future together. Maybe it was just a step towards figuring out what we really want.

  61.  #61heartbeat on March 4, 2009 at 2:06 am

    Becca that feels so heartwarming! Best of luck! It can feel confusing listening to others’ advice – I can relate to that. I feel good hearing how you are following your heart and your own path.

  62.  #62Samantha on March 5, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Hi Rori, I am struggling in my relationship, my boyfriend of 14 months and I are living together in the same one bedroom apartment he stays on the couch while I use the bedroom. We have decided to try being “friends” the hard part about this is that for one I am not over him- and two we are still living together which makes EVERYTHING that much harder!
    He said we should be friends and then see what happens like if we want to start “dating” again and then later start a new relationship – and of course we are “free” to do what we want- I know I will not be getting with anyone in any way while we are still under the same roof because well thats very alkward and like I said I am still in love with him.
    The beginning ofour relationship started by diving head first into everything – no thought involved. Just used our hearts to think for our heads, and we completely missed the friends/dating etc boat- Can we still make it work this way??
    Or am I just wasting my time with trying out “just friends” while again still living together-
    Is there anything you can suggest for me to do while we go throuugh this to make me look more appealing again opposed to other girls he may find interest in-??
    Please help Rori!!

  63.  #63ssgren on March 16, 2009 at 10:39 am

    I feel horrible, lonely, and unloved. My boyfriend (of many years) broke up with me out-of-the-blue about a month ago. It’s true that I had/have a self-esteem problem and was probably unconsciously pushing him away. Most other people would be surprised to hear this about me, but I wanted to share this side of me too with him.
    He too has been struggling with issues related to dealing with manipulative and difficult people, and very often couldn’t cope. Yet, I was under the impression that we had accepted each other as we were, and that we were committed to working on our problems. He is a wonderful person and I can’t believe that he isn’t going to be a part of my life anymore (it even hurts to write it). I can’t even begin to think about another man..
    I am trying to pick myself up, but I keep getting stuck.

  64.  #64Rori Raye on March 16, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    ssgren, welcome to this blog, and my heart goes out to you – so sorry you have to endure this. We all know how painful this is, and saying that your life will be brilliant and that this is a great “learning” moment doesn’t help at all, I know.

    Please – don’t wait until you feel good to do anything to unstick yourself. Try finding fun SOMEWHERE, somehow – something important – perhaps volunteering – that you can IMMERSE yourself in – even for an hour or two. A free art class at the nearest community center. A golf lesson – something you’ve never, ever done before.

    When a major relationship ended, I went up in a hot air balloon, confronted my paralyzing fear of heights, and felt much better.

    Now’s a great time to experiment, to breathe, to go off your common path, because you have nothing to lose…I know we all look forward to helping you here…Love, Rori

  65.  #65ssgren on March 18, 2009 at 5:25 am

    Thanks Rori. I am trying to work on myself, I just wish I didn’t have so many regrets. At this point, I cannot even decide whether or not I was in a toxic relationship. How come he consistently said that I was the only one for him? Did I push him away by being so insecure in myself?

  66.  #66ssgren on March 18, 2009 at 9:45 am

    P.S. I also wanted to ask another question: when I am (trying) to implement some of the tools, I am behaving in a way that is different from my usual self. Since we were together for a long time, I think that he is suspicious and therefore not responding in the positive way that others on this blog have reported. Even when he acknowledges a positive change, I get the impression that he thinks that it’ll never last and things will soon revert to the way they were..

  67.  #67Lisalisa on March 21, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    My ex left me 4 months ago, after a 10 year relationship. Letting go is hard. He is seeing someone else. He did say he would not say 100% that we would never be together again, but that he didn’t intend it to happen. Whatever that means.

    I am trying my best to move on. I have moved back with my parents to save money. I feel so stressed and anxious a lot of the time. That is the worst part.

    I miss him every day. I do believe i love him. I know things weren’t going great between us. I didn’t think breaking up was the answer, but he did.

    I don’t know what I want. Do I want him back, do I want anyone at all?

    It’s all very scary and nerve racking. I know I have to go through it, whether he returns to me or not.

    It’s hard to let go. I am not angry. He was very special to me. I do love him. I do want him to be happy. I also want to be happy. I do wish there was a chance for us, he believes this is the right path.

    Perhaps because he was 19 when we met, he wants to go out and experience other serious relationships? Who knows.

    Not sure what to do, think, feel.

    Scared and alone.

  68.  #68ssgren on March 22, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Hi Lisalisa,
    I can completely relate to this, having been through the same experience very recently. I too do not feel any anger at all, only a very deep sadness.

    I don’t think that I can say anything that might make you feel better… I can only tell you that I have been taking a long, hard look at the relationship and looking at ways that I could have done things differently. When he suddenly announced the break-up, I couldn’t understand why.. now I see that I have to take some responsibility for the state of the relationship.

    Understanding what factors might have contributed has helped me to grow a little bit. As Rori says, you can only change yourself, you can’t change him (or anyone else).
    Try to distract yourself with new things, meet new people — even though all this may seem hollow right now, they may prove to be small positive steps in the right direction..
    All the best.

  69.  #69Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Thanks ssgren,

    I can see how my behaviour has affected the relationship. It becomes clearer every day. I had doubts about whether he wanted a future with me for a long time, and although I asked him to tell me if he didn’t intend to marry me, I didn’t stick to that. I didn’t leave when he didn’t say anything. We just plodded along and eventually became distant.

    So it must be something he never wanted with me or just didn’t know and now he’s out exploring the possibility with other women. I feel a bit used, a bit of a fool and a bit stupid. I loved him but it wore me out.

    I know I have to want to be with him, not to need to be with him, and until I can get to the real reasons I was like that, I can’t be with him, or anyone I don’t think. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.

    It doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him and love him, but being together is something I can’t control. I can only work on me.

  70.  #70Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    Another note: He rang me a week after I moved out to see how i was because ‘he didn’t want to not call’. He asked if I wanted to catch up for coffee. Excuse me???? I told him I was devastated and needed time. After a while we talked about some things, but left it at that. I haven’t spoken to him for a month or so, since he told me he was dating again.

    I don’t know what the right thing to do is. This is someone who I shared my life with for 10 years, who no longer sees the value in me, or us. It wasn’t worth trying for, going to counselling.

    Of course I love him and want to see him, but it would only be awkward I think. There is no point pretending I can do the ‘friends’ thing, when I am still hurting.

    He is the type who will leave it in my court to contact him now.

  71.  #71ssgren on March 22, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Hi again..
    It sounds a little like there was a lot of miscommunication; we seemed to have had it too. Could it be that he felt put on the spot when you asked him about marriage? You shouldn’t have to ask him! I guess this is where the “leaning back” analogy comes in.

    My first instinct too was to talk to him and to get him to explain to me why all of this was happening. However, I soon realized that he probably didn’t himself know why he was behaving in this way.

    I think you’re doing the right thing by not contacting him. He has to figure out for himself how wonderful you were.

    I agree that the whole “friends” thing is just too difficult, and may just provide him with an avenue to get rid of his guilt. I guess you have to just see how you feel about this, and whether this is relevant to your situation…

    I’m finding it really difficult too and don’t think that the reality of the situation has sunk in completely. I miss him all the time.

  72.  #72Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Don’t you feel like he’d be the perfect one for you ‘if you had your time over again’ with what you have learnt?

    It is hard. Very hard. But there are benefits. I am learning about myself. That is never a bad thing. For the last few years things have been so busy and stressful, I am only now just reconnecting with myself.

    Is it too late for us? I think it is for the relationship we had. But maybe in the future there is a possibility for us. But I don’t know how he sees that I have changed without interacting with each other.

    It’s not one sided either – he would have to make some changes to the way he treats me.

  73.  #73Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Honestly, there was too much worry on both our parts about the future, and not on how we were treating each other day to day.

    That doesn’t mean that can’t change. But he’s gone.

  74.  #74ssgren on March 22, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    This is exactly it — the day-to-day irritations that were eating away at the core of a loving relationship. How blind I was! What wouldn’t I give to go back with what I know now?

    Maybe you could initiate a meeting with him when you are feeling fabulous about yourself. If you’re too emotionally over-charged you might just end up reminding him of why he ended it.

    In my case, I wish I had had some warning; if he was sending out signs, I didn’t see them. He had always been loving and caring until a few days before it happened.

    I am stuck on why both of us couldn’t have worked on our issues and on our relationship while still being together. I truly believed that we were committed to each other for life. I don’t know how to make the pain and emptiness go away.. even though I’m trying to focus on myself..

  75.  #75Linda G on March 22, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    Forgive me for interrupting, but you may want to consider Rori’s take on these situations. She has a great program cakked Reconnect Your Relationship. The best thing for you to do is to work on yourself, for yourself. He will initiate contact in time, if you make contact first you will push him further away. the trick is to be in a different place when he shows up, but to rejuvenate yourself, to change your own vibe, improve your sense of self for you, not for him to notice, but for you be happy with you. Then any man will find you appealing. Linda G

  76.  #76Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Were you married? I’m beginning to think if there was no marriage, there was no real commitment. We were ‘partners’ for 10 years. And that meant nothing in the end. There was no commitment to even try counselling.

    But do you know, I thought the same thing as you – why couldn’t we work on our issues while still being together, but in all honesty, I don’t know if we both would have. I don’t know if he thinks he has anything to work on. He did say his attitude to ‘together’ needed to change. Yes it did. I am not the type of person to demand he be with me, but I wanted him to be. He likes to go out and visit people, that is great. Sometimes we go together, sometimes i have other things to do. But there was never ‘us’ time. Just ‘being’ together. I didn’t feel like a priority in his life.

    I know I am a little better ’emotionally’, but I’m not all the way there yet. In honesty, I don’t know if things would have really changed if I did see him trying to reach out to me…perhaps you have to get to this point. I don’t know.

    He’s dating someone else…I don’t feel it’s my place to bring this up with him.

    I think there is a difference between ‘break’ and complete separation. When you are on a ‘break’ you might only be waiting for him to come back, and not looking at the real issues and at yourself.

    This has really forced me to deal with myself. If we had a break and I was simply waiting for him to come back, nothing would have changed.

    I know it’s hard. You and I both seem to be in a similar spot.

    Keep in touch – let me know how things go for you.

    Right now, I have moved back with my parents till I have paid off some debt. Stressful, but necessary. Life is busy, but I think of him a lot. I am also working on me a lot.

  77.  #77Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Thanks Linda G,

    That is right. That is why I am not ready to see him yet. I had started doing things for myself before the relationship ended. Exercising, eating right, sorting out my finances. I wasn’t preparing to leave, but I was doing what I needed to do to love myself and be responsible, and I had noticed my attitude starting to change, but it was too late for him it seems.

    But with contact, it seems he has left the ball in my court. He tried to remain friends and I said I wasn’t ready for that, so, knowing him, he will leave it up to me.

    Believe me, I understand what you are saying. Do it for yourself, for no one else.

    I am. It’s a slow process and I am learning every day about myself. There are so many areas in my life for improvement!!

  78.  #78Linda G on March 22, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Especially if you feel he is expecting you to make the move, you should not. This will jolt him most of all, and make him respect you. You should be doing things for you, as you said, things that are more than practical, change your hair, your make up, your colors you wear. Have a rebirth. Do some yoga, read, volunteer. When he does show up, it may be soon, it may be a long time, you will be the goddess you are meant to be. And it will be your decision if you want to see or speak to him, after he asks you to. Linda G

  79.  #79Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    I don’t want to appear childish by not being able to talk to him, but I don’t think he realises what this feels like. I don’t think it will jolt him. He seems ok with me not contacting him. It was a 10 year relationship. I think I just need to let it go. He wouldn’t have ended it otherwise. He wants to be friends and I think he believes that if we can’t be friends now, how could we ever be more again.

    I need to be at the point where I can look him in the eye again without feeling rejected. He is passive. He won’t contact me.

  80.  #80Linda G on March 22, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    So many of us have been there, a miserable break up, aren’t they all? I caan feel your sadness and I am sorry if I come off too righteous. All we have is ourselves, not to blame, but to rejuvenate and start anew.

  81.  #81Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    No, you are only telling it like it is. I appreciate any advice. You are right. I am not the first person to have a major breakup. It is the first time for me. I never understood it till now, and I am 33. In a way i should be angry, because he knew I wanted a family one day, and here I am at 33, already way older than I thought I would be without a family. All because I was relying on him to be the one. It is my fault for not leaving years ago. I can’t change that. The more distance I have the more I realise how much this is about me and not him. I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t leave when he wouldn’t talk about marriage and family. He only joked about it. And now he has gone.

    I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. What’s done is done. I can only change today. Hopefully I will find someone who loves me and wants to be loved by me and considers having a family with me the greatest thing of all.

  82.  #82Lisalisa on March 22, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    And isn’t the bottome line Rori that: If he loved me, he would be with me?

  83.  #83ssgren on March 23, 2009 at 1:01 am

    Could it be that he does love you, but that he was confused because he was not getting what he wanted out of the relationship in the way that he wanted it?
    Could it be that he thought (like mine) that it was “too hard” and “too much work”, and it shouldn’t have to be?

    We were engaged and talked often about children. It seems I had it all, but somehow I’ve managed to ruin it. I am still at the stage where I’m beating myself up, and taking more blame than I probably should. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I hate feeling the way I do when I open my eyes every morning and he isn’t there.

    I had been wondering about “reconnect your relationship”, but wasn’t sure if it also applied to couples who were broken up..

  84.  #84Lisalisa on March 23, 2009 at 1:25 am

    I think there was too much of thinking about the future, and not enough on the day to day loving of each other. We went away a few months before he left and he said some days felt like they were meant to be, yet he left.

    We could never talk seriously about a family. I want one. He wants to want one, but he doesn’t desire it. He is only 29. I am 33. Perhaps he felt he had skirted around the issue for so long and now it just wasn’t fair on me. I don’t know. There was a lot of pressure from family and friends for him to make a decision. He became quite stressed and sick about it.

    But the killer for me is he is dating again. If he was unsure, he wouldn’t be sleeping with someone else, would he?

    I hope each day is getting a little easier for you. It takes a lot of time. I know. I’m in the middle of it.

    But, good things can still happen. As I walked in this evening, my Dad said wow, you have lost weight….something I never thought I’d hear him say. Bless him for making my day and bless my family for being here, taking me back in 🙂 I love them so much. They are crazy, but I love them!

    Focus on the positive. I know it’s hard. But the more you focus on that, the less you focus on the bad and the sadness. It’s much easier to say. I find it hard every day. But there are good things.

    Much care to you. I and others are here for you. Do whatever you need to do to relax and take care of yourself.

  85.  #85ssgren on March 23, 2009 at 4:48 am

    Thanks Lisalisa. I think for us too, there was too much focus on current problems and the chance for future happiness. I had turned into one of those people who couldn’t be happy in the moment. He was unhappy at work, and I believed that I was very supportive, probably too supportive.

    Never did I think that I could be contributing to his unhappiness. Indeed, he continued to profess his love for me. However, I felt I needed to do more and more — until such a point where I just couldn’t cope with pressures at work and at home, and me feeling like a failure. He was depressed, but never sought help, and I felt helpless.

    I am so glad that you have a loving family around you to help you through this difficult time. My family and good friends live in other countries, so I now have to start from scratch.

    I dearly love my family and friends. However, when it comes to personal issues like details of relationships, children, where to live etc. family+friends — probably unconsciously — apply a lot of pressure. I think that this was true in our case with his family and friends. It was all well-meaning, but it added up, and I am certain that it was a contributing factor — they wanted us to move back to where they live.

    I know that you’re upset that he is dating again. I would be too. However, maybe he needs to do that to appreciate you again. If you have faith in the love that you had, then be strong and know that love like that probably doesn’t come often, and probably not in a rebound relationship.

    Thanks for your support, it means a lot.

  86.  #86Lisalisa on March 23, 2009 at 5:03 am

    In our case it was more that we were both stressing about the future, and not on the day to day problems, which got ignored. Not ignored, rather we were both thinking about them a lot but not talking to each other about them. Then he withdrew. The pressure for family was huge on his side (european and catholic background). I was happy for it to happen ‘one day’, but needed to know there would be a ‘one day’.

    It must be very hard for you, to be so isolated. Do you work? I have two wonderful girls at work who have supported me through this too. They are good friends now, and I’m not good at making friends.

    With him dating again, it’s strange. Yes, I was upset, but there is a calmness there as well. Like maybe he has to do this to experience life and relationships more (he was 19 when we met), and also independence (he moved from family home into a home with me, whereas I was living independently already). It’s all good experience. If he ever did want to reconcile, I would hope he wouldn’t treat me like a maid again, and I certainly wouldn’t allow it ever again!

    Take good care of yourself. What country are you in?

  87.  #87ssgren on March 23, 2009 at 7:48 am

    I just feel so frustrated. It seems to me that your relationship would have benefited a lot from a little more open communication; while mine would have benefited from clearer communication. Small changes in my view.. and incredible that neither party stepped up.

    I do work, yes. I have always been quite career-oriented, but that was changing, and now everything work-related feels hollow and shallow. I have taken steps to meet new people, and I have, but I sometimes feel like a complete insincere hypocrite because I am controlling what parts of me / my personality to show them. I am in the UK.

    I am glad that you have decided not to be the “crumb taker” anymore.

  88.  #88Lisalisa on March 23, 2009 at 8:03 am

    i think its also ok to tell people you meet that you are human, not perfect, and going through a breakup. You dont need to pour your heart out, but letting people in has helped me. I was a perfectionist, but have realised it is ok just to be me.

    i just watched a silly movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall…and I didn’t cry once, even though it’s about breakups…go see it!

  89.  #89ssgren on March 23, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Glad to hear that you don’t break down every time there’s an emotionally-charged scene on tv etc. I’m still at the stage where I cry at least once a day, if not more. It has been several weeks, but the pain still feels raw. There are so many reminders of him everywhere… doesn’t he feel anything?

    Rori suggested circular dating, but I can’t bring myself to do so just yet. How about you?

  90.  #90Lisalisa on March 23, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    I am still like that with songs and tv sometimes. But this movie was funny, not emotionally charged. I still cry every day. It’s been over 4 months. I think that says more about me though. Dating? I havent considered that yet. I am quite shy/reserved.

    My ex was over it long before he told me it seems. So naturally it hurts that he moved on so quickly and easily. But he had already made his peace before he left.

    You will get there, especially if you are normally a confident social person.

  91.  #91ssgren on March 23, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I guess we have to allow ourselves to cry and feel miserable if we are ever going to emerge from this nightmare.

    I have been going over this over and over again. If he was over it before he ended it, why didn’t you or I notice? Denial or lack of clarity on his part?

    In my case, until our last week together, we were making plans for the rest of the year, we told one another that we loved each other, and in spite of the stresses and strains caused by external circumstances, often leading to arguments, I never doubted that we loved one another. So how can all of this change in the space of a few days? Could I have been so wrong?

    I guess I will never know, and there’s probably not much point in going on about this…

  92.  #92Lisalisa on March 23, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Yes, I think you have to feel your way through it. Don’t avoid it. Just remember that wallowing isn’t doing you any good.

    I guess it comes down to communication styles too. A close friend told me he tried to talk to me in his own way, and I didn’t see it. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind about us for so long. Neither was he. But asking questions only leads to more questions. A wise friend told me that the answers will come in time. And now that I have a bit of distance, I can see things more clearly. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him or miss him, but we were both not treating each other with the full love and respect we both deserved. I was so stressed. Work, study, home life. It was all getting too much. It was never easy to make plans with him.

    Give it, and him some time. Look after yourself. You never know what is just around the corner. If you feel like dating, get out there.

    You are right, going on about it doesn’t always help. Do the good things for you. Remember you are wonderful!

  93.  #93ssgren on March 25, 2009 at 1:44 am

    I can see things a bit more clearly too, but again I think that we could have worked on things together. I feel so stuck with some of these ideas. Certainly, I had a role to play in all of this. Yet, destroying everything in one fell swoop seems a rather immature thing to do.

    I hope that you are looking after yourself too!

  94.  #94Lisalisa on March 25, 2009 at 1:53 am

    Good luck 🙂

  95.  #95RaiulBaztepo on March 28, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
    PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language 😉
    See you!
    Your, Raiul Baztepo

  96.  #96ssgren on April 16, 2009 at 12:43 am

    Hi Lisa,
    How are you doing?
    I’m still finding it hard to cope. I have had a bit of contact with him (although all initiated by him). Amazingly, I still want him back.. don’t know what to do..

  97.  #97lisalisa on April 16, 2009 at 2:23 am

    Hey, thanks for checking up on me. That’s very thoughtful.

    Funny you should contact me now. A couple of weeks ago he contacted me. He wanted to talk about how we were both doing. He wanted to let me know it hadn’t been easy for him either. That he feels guilty for hurting me. Sometimes he misses me a lot and it hurts. That he’s making a big effort to change. Why would he contact me to tell me this when he’s seeing someone else?

    Turns out is isn’t very happy, hasn’t moved on completely and does think about me.

    I love him, I miss him terribly, but I can no longer read into what might not be there.

    I don’t know what to do next.

    Rori, can you help us?

    How are you doing?

  98.  #98ssgren on April 16, 2009 at 3:00 am

    Hi again,
    I am glad to see that he recognizes that he hurt you. He has to take responsibility for his actions after all. I think it’s probably best not to “second-guess”, and go with the flow.
    He has called me a few times to talk about his issues. We went on a “date” a few weeks ago. It was great fun and we both had a good time, but later I was left with a feeling of sadness. Right now I seem to have taken a few steps backward and am feeling quite desperate and alone. So am struggling quite a bit.

    I am trying to focus on changing myself, and making myself happier, but I seem to have forgotten how to do the latter.

    I too wonder what Rori would have to say about this.. (but I don’t feel ready to circular date.. )

  99.  #99Lisalisa on April 16, 2009 at 4:37 am

    His issues? If they are his issues, he should be sorting them out on his own, no?

    My ex has admitted he isn’t very happy. But that’s not for me to fix. Yes, I care about him. I wish he was happy. But he has to take charge of that.

    I feel a little stronger today. I want to tell him I love him, but I wont. I’ll just see what happens with our next contact, which will be by phone.

    I am not ready to circular date either. But I’m working on the reasons why. I’m seeing a counsellor.

    You’ve forgotten how to be happy?

    I thought I had too. But now, I am even happy for the simplest things, such as new pillows!

    Choose to have a good day and appreciate things. Like Rori says, feel things. New pillows feel fantastic, it’s something simple I did for myself. I feel good when I’ve been out for a jog. I had to move back home with my parents as I have debt, but I have a budget, and a new appreciation for my parents. Just try and enjoy things. You might be surprised.

  100.  #100ssgren on April 16, 2009 at 7:23 am

    You’re completely right, they are *his* issues. However, I have been a constant source of support for so many years now, that it is easy for me to step into this role again, even though he has no right to expect that of me anymore. At the same time, I feel good that he thinks of me when he needs to talk to someone he trusts. This is probably both toxic and unhealthy, especially since he seems to have turned our relationship into a scapegoat for his problems.

    I am glad to hear that you are feeling stronger and that you are pacing yourself regarding what you tell him about your feelings, even though you probably want to scream that you love him (?)
    Have you already arranged when you’re going to talk to him again?

    I am feeling desperate because my sense of reality has taken a knock. I thought we had a connection, that we shared a deep, and unshakeable bond, that we were going to have a future together. Now I wonder whether I was the only one who felt that, or whether his depression clouded his judgement.

    I am seeing a counsellor too. Is it helping you?
    I think you’re really lucky that you’re living with your parents now. I have no close friends and family here, although there is always phone+email.

    You are right, I have to teach myself to be happy again on my own, and to take pleasure from the small things in life. Right now though, I just feel that I am stumbling the whole way, and am tired of picking myself up again and again.

  101.  #101Lisalisa on April 16, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    I am struggling with the support issue too. I believe though that it’s not my place to support him emotionally now. He made his decision. He can’t have me and someone else. At the same time, he wants to talk about what we’ve both been going through…

    I think our situation is a little different.

    You said you went on a date with him? Mine is making no attempts to provide anything other than friendship. I just can’t ‘cut the cord’. We were together 10 years and it’s hard to let that go completely. It’s also hard to be friends and see him happy with another woman. Though he says he’s not very happy. I don’t know what to make of that.

    I think best I can do is lean back. When I stopped contacting him, he struggled not to contact me and caved. He wanted me to know all was not rosy for him.

    Stop all communication, or lean back? I am just trying to get on with every day and will see what happens.
    He admits his resistance to commitment and change was a big issue in our relationship – whether he is willing to change it, I don’t know. Sadly, I think not.

  102.  #102ssgren on April 17, 2009 at 3:35 am

    Hi again,
    I completely agree (for both of us) that he can’t have his cake and eat it. He decided he wanted out, so now he has to live with the consequences. However, every time he calls, I give in and step into my old shoes. At least for you he is willing to talk about your relationship. On my side, there is very little of that: it’s more “his issues” that probably have nothing to do with me, but he has probably convinced himself that they do.

    Also, I’m not sure that I want to dredge up the past in detail with him at this stage: partly because I don’t think he can handle it, and partly because I don’t want to repeat previous patterns of discussing things to death.

    I too have been wondering about “cutting the cord” completely, and yet I feel unable to let go. Probably this is due to fear.
    About the date: it felt so normal, we were laughing and having fun, and he had made an effort with his appearance, and he paid for virtually everything.. I am trying not to read too much into it.

    At least he is admitting that his attitudes to commitment affected your relationship. He knows what he has to do if he is to have any chance with you. Also, given that he isn’t happy with this other woman, he can’t expect you to meet his emotional needs.
    I feel as though both of us are somehow rewarding bad behavior, and that we probably did this in the past too.

  103.  #103Lisalisa on April 17, 2009 at 3:45 am

    I think any chance that may have been thereif there ever was one is gone. I have been behaving destructively (I would send him an email and panic and delete it from his account) which is a complete violation of his trust. I have told him as I did it last night and felt so ashamed.

  104.  #104ssgren on April 17, 2009 at 5:32 am

    I am very sorry to hear that. Please try to be strong (I know that that’s probably a bit much coming from me). I totally understand the bouts of panic and despair and the chest-crushing emotions that fuel this kind of reaction.

    I don’t think that everything hangs on a few actions. Perhaps you need to do some damage control? How about sending him an email saying that you recognize you did something you should not have done, and that you are sorry and it won’t happen ever again. Even if you have apologized in the past and repeated the behavior, you are now going to show him that you can stick to your word.

    Maybe the next time you feel this urge, post something here?

  105.  #105Lisalisa on April 17, 2009 at 5:36 am

    I will never feel that urge. I am so ashamed and guilt ridden. I am yet to speak to him.

  106.  #106ssgren on April 17, 2009 at 5:44 am

    you’re human, you will make mistakes.. he needs to see and accept that side of you too. Beating yourself up about it won’t change it, so you have to take something positive out of it. What do you think would happen if you admitted to him that you were very sorry and very ashamed?

  107.  #107Lisalisa on April 17, 2009 at 5:48 am

    The self-destructive side? It’s not easy to change, but I am trying. This is a big blow. I couldn’t be a hypocrite and not tell him, if I am expecting truth from him. I felt so sick today.

  108.  #108ssgren on April 17, 2009 at 5:57 am

    I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. I guess Rori would say that you have to acknowledge and face these feelings before you can make progress.
    Everyone has traits in themselves that they don’t like and wish they could change. You are taking the first step in admitting this, surely that takes courage! Try not to give in to the destructive voice in your head telling you that it will always be like this, maybe visualize your life as you want it to be and then cling to that image…

  109.  #109Lisalisa on April 17, 2009 at 5:59 am

    Thank you.

    I don’t know if he will ever see me as an amazing person again after this though.

  110.  #110ssgren on April 17, 2009 at 6:03 am

    sure he will, because you are!
    (a stumble on the way does not characterize you forever — if he has any sense he should be able to see that)

  111.  #111Lisalisa on April 17, 2009 at 6:27 am

    i cannot control that panic yet. i must learn to stop and think.

  112.  #112ssgren on April 17, 2009 at 7:50 am

    I understand how you feel. One baby step at a time..

  113.  #113Rachel on September 12, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Hi Rori, I just read this blog because the same thing just happened. Over Labor Day weekend we were talking about our up coming vaction what to get my daughter for christmas and get her a new bed this weekend. How ever yesterday he told me it is over. He said he could not put it to words he just feels it, he said there was no spark which he had come to me and said he was starting not to feel a spark last week so I bought your Ebook and started right to work on myself. I just now feel so confused how he could lead me to belive that over the last week things were getting better and then say its over he dont know why he just feels it. What makes it harder we have live together for 1 ben together for 2 and now I have no where for my daughter and I to go so I can get away and start to really heal like I want. How can I still heal but live with him for a week or two till I get a job and a place?

  114.  #114Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Rachel, so sorry. Sometimes this happens. A man really loves you, but doesn’t love you enough. It could be something you could change with Feeling Messages and Modern Siren Tools, or it could be something basic he’s been trying to ignore — some kind of energetic, chemical thing you have no control over. Just hang in there, take care of yourself. If he’s been paying the bills, and it’s his place, you’ll have to deal with it until you can get a fresh start. If you can afford the place on your own, then he can leave. This is just painful no matter how you look at it. So sorry. Love, Rori

  115.  #115lisa lisa on September 29, 2009 at 6:34 am

    ssgren – how are you doing?

  116.  #116ssgren on October 3, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Hi Lisa,
    I was thinking about you just the other day. How are things with you?
    Over the past few months I’ve been travelling a lot, mainly for work, but it did keep me from focussing on him. We have had quite a lot of contact with each other. He is caring and considerate and loving. However, I have slowly come to the conclusion that many of the issues that he had with his life, had not so much to do with me or us, as with his own fears and insecurities. I made some basic mistakes too, which didn’t help. Sometimes, I feel confident that I will be ok, no matter what; at other times, I feel really alone.

  117.  #117lisa lisa on October 3, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    Hi ssgren,

    I am doing ok. I have been trying to focus on myself and my study. Concentration has been terrible. Keeping to my fitness plan and trying not to lapse back into bad habits. Still miss him. He has emailed every now and then about things he has learned about himself, but that’s about all. Still think of him every day. Still cry. Seeing a counsellor. Going to see friends tonight but don’t feel like it, but will push myself to go. Life seems to be about pushing myself to do a lot lately…depression probably. I will get there though. Have had good times and bad. I stopped contacting him when I found out he had someone new. But he still emails now and then. I think I have to tell him straight out that I can not be friends, not yet. That I will give it a few months and see how I feel then.

    So you are still seeing each other?

  118.  #118ssgren on October 4, 2009 at 2:26 am

    Hi Lisa,
    I know how you feel. It would seem so much easier to just stay at home, watch some crap on tv, and just not do anything, but still somehow end up feeling worse. I’ve made some really good friends, but a couple of them have moved away from the city I live in, so it feels like I have to start from scratch again. I hope you find the strength to just put one foot in front of the other everyday, and not worry too much about what the future holds. I think that you are right not to initiate contact. If he wants to talk to you or to see you — he’ll get in touch.
    We are still seeing each other. He calls or texts when he is away. It’s like I’m in no-man’s land, because I don’t really know where I stand, and what his priorities are. However, I don’t want to push him because I can now see a bit more clearly that his own issues and struggles have played a huge role in his previous behavior with me, and until he sorts these things out, he won’t be able to move on, with or without me….

  119.  #119caroline on October 4, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Should I play hard to get if my ex-boyfriend should try to contact me after he ended the relationship, and I want him back?

  120.  #120Rori Raye on October 4, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Caroline — you should NEVER PLAY ANYTHING!!!! BE hard to get by Circular Dating and being so happy he can just fall in line with all the other men for your time and energy. Make sense? Love, Rori

  121.  #121lisa lisa on October 4, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    He’s with someone else. I am not sure why he wants to talk about what he’s learned about himself now.

  122.  #122Flipper on October 5, 2009 at 3:12 am

    Lisa Lisa – I’m feeling triggered by your situation. I feel reminded of how I feel that my empathy and accommodating manner have often been abused, they have saturated my senses and deflected my attention from own feelings of anger, neglect and boredom. Maybe he (or sometimes it’s been a she) just knows that I listen and have never hurt or judged them, so they feel safe and good about unburdoning themselves with me. Maybe they have learned they don’t have to give anything to me to get some comfort and reassurance, at no risk. Whatever – their motivations no longer matter to me, but MINE do. I feel terrible being their confidant, and I certainly don’t want to be their mentor!.

    Although there may still be a guy or two still hanging onto my horse, for my purposes, I have decided I don’t want Them to keep me as a muse or even a fond memory to make them feel good from time to time. No No No. I don’t want to be ‘used’ that way. It feels ok if they keep regrets, but otherwise I don’t them stroking my energy for a little upper which they keep for themselves.

  123.  #123Flipper on October 5, 2009 at 3:17 am

    sorry – shoulda proof read better: P.1,….some comfort, validation or reassurance….. P.2,… I don’t want them stroking…..

  124.  #124Caroline on May 3, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    ..I feel horrible. He JUST dumped me and is acting as if he never loved me. He wont smile and is always gloomy. He wants to be friends but wants to be alone? It is strange. EVERYONE hates him- even his “friends”. Everyone thinks he is stupid. And honestly i think so too. I mean, HE SAID HE LOVED ME before i said anything. HE SAID IT MORE THAN ME and yet i went over the line? He talked about our future AND I WOULD LAUGH (not infront of him ofcourse). Then i fell in LOVE with him. He is immature but honest. He is a child but a man. He shows affection and a cold shoulder. He smiles so briliantly yet looks so lonely. He tells you sexual things playfully yet he is very innocent. He is very bold with his thoughts yet shy. He is perfect to me. I don’t see what went wrong. He suddenly stopped talking about things he LOVED and started to be a little more cold…and not in a playful way. He stopped coming and made up excuses and gave me notes saying he loved me. Ugh, and it probably sounds weird …but i felt as if he was the ONE. He influenced me that we will always be together and that we CAN be together forever no matter what people said. Now everyone is telling him they hate him, ignoring him, beating him up. or replacing me with themselves(even though they KNOW i feel replaced) all of his friends and his brother are there for me. Now I feel so alone. Im forcing myself to eat so people wont worry. But i wake up in the middle of the night crying or smiling when i think about him. I still have all of his things. and i can’t STAND kingdom hearts. But i still sleep with his blanket/pillow and necklace and jacket on. TT TT I need advice on how to get him back. We were/are so perfect for each other. i dont see what went wrong other than him being a total idiot and not try to see me. TT TT

  125.  #125Heartbroken MamaChula on February 26, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Dear Rori, I’d like more posts from you around what to do about a breakup. My boyfriend of five years suddenly and unexpectedly dumped me nine months ago and completely cut me out of his life without much of an explanation, other than since he’s enrolled in a residential treatment program for drug and alcohol addiction he needs to focus on his sobriety. Unfortunately, he is not being honest with me, and even though I suppose I’m better off without him, it still really hurts because I invested a lot of time, energy, love and money into this relationship, and I can see now he was just using me. I need an extra boost to get my energy away from him and back where it belongs – on me. Any advice you can send my way would be appreciated.


  126.  #126sandra on April 5, 2011 at 10:28 am

    I recently saw a testimony about a spell caster of some sort in a blog I visit for relationship and marriage counselling problems and I just thought after ripped off the previous year of almost about $580, I should try it*maybe out of desperation of some sort*..and I contacted them..Atfirst everything felt dreamy and unbelievable,their consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little cos I heard read and heard lots of stories of fake spell casters and scammers ripping people off their money..I played along with a little hope and and faith and I was sent some few stuffs after everything and it worked like a miracle,everything went to a while new direction,it was and is amazing…I guess it was all good faith that made me read That particular post that faithful day..I hope they could help other people too like they did me…I did a little and I got everything I wanted and wished for*my husband,my family and my life back*their address is

  127.  #127sandra on April 14, 2011 at 4:25 am

    I recently saw a testimony about a spell caster of some sort in a blog I visit for relationship and marriage counselling problems and I just thought after ripped off the previous year of almost about $580, I should try it*maybe out of desperation of some sort*..and I contacted them..Atfirst everything felt dreamy and unbelievable,their consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little cos I heard read and heard lots of stories of fake spell casters and scammers ripping people off their money..I played along with a little hope and and faith and I was sent some few stuffs after everything and it worked like a miracle,everything went to a while new direction,it was and is amazing…I guess it was all good faith that made me read That particular post that faithful day..I hope they could help other people too like they did me…I did a little and I got everything I wanted and wished for*my husband,my family and my life back*their address is;

  128.  #128S on April 21, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Rory, is there a way to contact you privately?

  129.  #129lyn on April 25, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Life sometimes is a bad joke, like what happened to me, my husband and I were very happy during easter holiday april 13-15, 2012 together with his daughter and friends and then two days after that something gone wrong and and i found out that he is corresponding with a woman in a dating website from china, i all read their exchange emails my husband even lied and call me “that woman”, its very sad. when he arrived home last weekend he showed me his rudeness which is very foreign to me because I did nothing wrong. Everyday he called me at home or mobile phone at least 4-5 times a day. This week he doesnt even bother to answer my call. Im still positive that our relationship would be normal again. I just didnt make any signs that I knew already whats going on. I maintain my innocent.

    is the second wee

  130.  #130Rori Raye on April 25, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    lyn – this is hard, and you’re going to have to talk total truth to him without blaming him (this will be the hardest) and see what you can repair and what you can’t – and whether you want to stay with a man in a polyamourous situation (even if just emotionally and not sexually. You’re going to have tgo talk about what he needs he feels he isn’t getting from you. – Oh – when a man feels guilty – he gets angry at US – that’s a huge clue.. Love, Rori