Can You “Make” Him Love You?

Untitled design (14)

cropped-hearts-making-heart-110.jpgA man’s love for you must never be considered as something that can rise or fall, or be brought into being or discarded, or won or lost by anything you do or do not do.

However, the expression of that love, and his choice whether or not to express it, on both a conscious and unconscious level, is something over which you have tremendous influence.

The way in which you share yourself with a man, the way in which you express yourself with a man, your general attitude toward life and philosophy of existence – all of these come to bear on a man’s ability to feel love, and to turn that into action.

To actually “do” love on you.

Love, Rori

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95 Comments

  1.  #1Lilybelly on May 22, 2016 at 10:17 am

    I’m struggling with how to actually be with J. How I WANT to be in my head is this:

    Polite, soft yet removed, confident and maybe even compassionate, and silent when not in his presence.

    I feel soo triggered when he is near that I want to lash out. I feel weak and intimidated and oh so not enough for if I had been, this wouldn’t have happened. Not to us. I wonder why I’m not.

    When he is away, I feel calm and able to tune out thoughts of him, of us.. I feel like I am excited almost so I can redefine my space in this home.

    How do I get myself to how I want to be all the time?

    I joined the gym today. Go me!!



  2.  #2Tee on May 22, 2016 at 10:44 am

    Great Questions!



  3.  #3Azure Blu on May 22, 2016 at 10:57 am

    Lillybell#1
    How do I get myself to how I want to be all the time?
    For me it was baby steps, baby steps…
    and
    Practice,
    Practice
    Practice
    and joining a gym!!! :-))



  4.  #4LoveToMe on May 22, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Zara – I did just read what you wrote in #14, several posts ago, and I’m responding here.

    Thank you!

    I’m not sure if you read exactly what I meant by “safety,” but I can be on board with just about everything you mentioned. Or, to sum it up as our OSHA instructor put it in a job I had a while back, when we were talking about various chemicals and poisons, “Mother Nature is not your friend.” Haha. I like to think of that sometimes.

    And I like how you wrote, “clarity could be a synonym for safety.” I really like that idea. Because there isn’t really an outside force that can’t greater our own clarity, if we have it and we trust it, and we know it’s ours.

    Then, I know you were riffing at this point, but when you started to go into how it may not be possible to have real growth in absolute safety and comfort.

    Hmmmm…my mind is running off with that, though I don’t have real clarity on the conclusion yet.

    Maybe for now, I’ll just say this: it seems to me there are certain types of growth that need to happen in absolute safety (or as much as possible, as there are no guarantees, like you said). Things like developing an embryo, or a new relationship, a new idea, a small child. These “new” things needs a LOT of safety and comfort. It is what allows them to flourish, even when the inevitable discomforts arise. With it it, they either struggle or die.

    But then there are most certainly other types of growth that REQUIRE discomfort, “unsafety,” and maybe even pain. Things like, personal and spiritual growth, learning, and becoming better at what you do.

    I guess the kind of safety I was originally referring to was the first type. Because only when people (and other organisms) have a beginning, solid foundation in that first type, can they then go on to move and grow and flourish is the overall unsafe environment. The “safety” is internalized first and carried within. And when that happens, even an unsafe environment is not seen as a personal threat. When that “safety” sensation is never internalized, then literally nowhere is safe, even if, externally, it was safe, in a technical way. And even harmless events could seem threatening.

    I think you get it, but – make sense?



  5.  #5Tee on May 22, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    Having thoughts. I want to lash out at E too. He’s so vivacious & I don’t feel that I am. He attracts so many people. I hate the women. I feel less than. I feel jealous. Ordinary.
    I don’t want to compete or compare.
    I feel like I do the opposite. This isn’t something that I can talk with him about.
    I feel like I’m closing in on myself in order to both repel him & to get his attention.

    But then I find myself getting upset that I don’t feel closer to him when I rebuff his attempts because I’m insecure.

    This afternoon he was playing around on his phone and discovered that it had video chat so he called me from the next room to try it out. I was horrified, like Why do you need to see me?

    Then I realized that I have an *issue* with almost everything that he likes.

    He wants to see more of my body (which I *hate* because I’m overweight)
    He enjoys taking pictures, which I don’t like because I feel that I look funny

    It goes on and on. But then he meets people that are always with their damn face in a camera and I become resentful.

    Not sure where my confidence went.
    I want more but I’m not sure how to get it.
    I feel like a snarky teenager. Not paying attention to me? Ok fine, I won’t brush my hair for 2 weeks & see how you like that!

    I start my new job tomorrow, hopefully this will be the beginning of a new me 🙂



  6.  #6Azure Blu on May 22, 2016 at 1:23 pm

    Tee…
    I can soooo relate to Hating having my picture taken… for YEARS!!
    Selfies were the worst!!
    I hated my face… my teeth… everything!! UGGHH!!!
    and then I found Rori and her magical tools to building my self esteem!!!
    slowly, slowly… over the past 3 years…
    I have worked many of the tools as I needed them

    I’m sure EVERYONE is sick of me talking about the one tool that REALLY
    helped me start LOVing ME…
    I think it was Helena Hart or Leigha Lake
    who taught me this…
    every morning (well as often as I feel fear or ugly or embarrassed…etc)
    I look at myself in the mirror
    pick out one of 2 things I really *DO* like about me…
    tell myself how much I Love my blue eyes…
    my thick hair… How much I LOVE All of ME!!
    and guess what… It works… :-))



  7.  #7Tee on May 22, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Lol I’m not sick of it! I think I was doing this & then I fell off. I’m gonna come up with a routine for myself. I need to do this, say it, write it everyday at like 9am lol



  8.  #8Azure Blu on May 22, 2016 at 5:35 pm

    Tee!!!
    LOLLOLOLOL!!! :-))



  9.  #9Azure Blu on May 22, 2016 at 5:40 pm

    Tee…
    E sounds a lot like Spirit…
    Spirit NEVER meets anyone that’s a stranger…
    He makes friends with people standing in line…
    I’ve gotten like that now… When I’m with him…
    So we have so much fun together…
    He loves taking selfies!!! sends them to me ALL the time… LOLOLOL
    I’ve learned to be more fun with my phone and taking pictures…
    he really does love to share his day with me… so sweet!
    I have a hard time keeping up… :-))
    I am more of an introvert.
    But I really have EXPANDED my world with the Rori tools

    Good luck with your new job tomorrow!!



  10.  #10Tee on May 22, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    Yes, that’s totally E. There are days (when I’m with him….sometimes) that I can appreciate that side of him. Other days I feel jealous & competitive. Like this other person is shiny & new….while I’m this dull old toy.

    I should expand my world more :/



  11.  #11Millie on May 22, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    Wow! the blog looks different! It looks like it got a makeover! I haven’t logged in on my computer for awhile–I really like it!

    Liquid Light– Thank you so much for your comment to me on the previous thread. I love the idea that you are me in the future 🙂 I know I have to stop being hard on myself–it’s so hard. I wish I could excavate that trait out of me, like a tumor.



  12.  #12Emerson on May 22, 2016 at 10:50 pm

    Hi Sirens

    ((Lillybelly))
    Yes practice! Me too.

    Hi Azure Blue! I hear you about the photos! Love to read your posts.

    Sirens I feel furious and annoyed. My YoungCD has shown his age and done the same thing to me again….suggesting plans and then not solidifying the details and poof….he’ll be silent for days. Then reappear and say he wants to see me but I’m realizing its a waste of time. He’s not serious. He’s stuck in txt world.

    I feel disappointed!!!! And I feel annoyed that I actually let myself feel excited about him. We do have fun when together. But that’s the point. We haven’t been in too long and the texting is getting old and tiresome. Frustrating!! I feel angry!!!!



  13.  #13Emerson on May 22, 2016 at 10:52 pm

    I feel impatient!! I could really use the fun and excitement of a summer romance!! But I don’t have anyone else on the horizon. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of going online dating again. I hate it!!!!



  14.  #14Tee on May 23, 2016 at 5:20 am

    On my way to work & already pissed off with E. Sometimes I think he just tolerates me or is with me out of convenience. I can’t get help with the simplest things without him making a smart ass comment.

    I started ironing my clothes. Comment about how I should have done that yesterday.
    I asked him if he knew where my lunch bag was. Again, you should have thought of that before.

    I’m getting to where I don’t even wanna say anything anymore. I don’t even know why I bother half the time anymore.

    It’s like he SEES me enough to get what he wants or to cause me to feel some kinda way.

    I feel like I’m always trying & he’s just there.
    I feel so weak



  15.  #15Femininewoman on May 23, 2016 at 6:23 am

    Wow. The blog looks new



  16.  #16Femininewoman on May 23, 2016 at 6:28 am

    Tee maybe it is time for you to ask yourself “why am I there”.



  17.  #17Azure Blu on May 23, 2016 at 6:56 am

    Wow… new look…. I like it… but i really liked when you could see a few words of our comments on the left “Recent Comments” and that’s gone… :-/

    Tee…
    You just reminded me of why I LOVE Spirit… He doesn’t say things like that… I have dated several men who did that… Maybe it’s a guy thing!!

    I struggle with this but… I know when I share how those words make me feel… my self esteem grows…
    “E I feel like a scolded child… I feel overwhelmed right now getting ready for my new job.”
    I know i don’t share how I feel because I don’t want to rock the boat… I’m worried that “He’ will get upset…
    BUT NOT sharing my FEELINGS causes me to feel resentment and anger…
    and sharing how I feel… grows my self esteem and promotes emotional closeness between 2 people…
    Beleive me I’m saying these things to me cause I really do have a hard time sharing my feelings…
    I practice my scripts over and over in my head… and then when a good opportunity happens… sometimes…. I can share them!!!
    Practice, Practice. :-))
    Hope your new job goes well!!!



  18.  #18Azure Blu on May 23, 2016 at 7:04 am

    Shoot no numbers on our posts!!! hope they fix that!

    Emerson…
    Thank you for your kindness!! :0)

    Ahhh… nothing like a romance to brighten the summer time!!

    Sounds like you are staying on your “path” and letting go of YoungCD is a good idea!!! Rubber banding is NOT fun, easy or romantic!!!

    Have you read some of what Liquid Light has been posting?
    She has a Rori coach – I believe it’s Sami Wunder- who has helped her with her online profile – changed her photo… her hair style and her online profile and she’s notice a big change in the men who are contacting her!!!
    I did this (read and listened to many youtube videos) and the calliber of men that contacted me were much better and many more!!

    Definition of carzyness
    Doing the same thing over and over… and expecting a different result



  19.  #19Rori Raye on May 23, 2016 at 7:59 am

    So glad you like the new look! Wanted it to be easier to use by phone….And the snippets of recent comments are still there! it’s in the right sidebar as always, and so if you’re on you’re phone, it’ll be at the bottom!!! Love, Rori



  20.  #20Femininewoman on May 23, 2016 at 8:42 am

    So considerate of you Rori.



  21.  #21Starla on May 23, 2016 at 8:51 am

    I am feeling pretty darn irritated with myself.

    First of all, I picked a fight with my boyfriend on the last night of our otherwise gorgeous vacation. It was really quite dumb of me and unnecessary. I am now feeling like… it’s my life’s goal never to do that again. Sigh. I wish I could take it all back. He has been very supportive and kind about the fact that we got into a massive fight and it put a damper on our beautiful time, but I am so mad at myself. I am going to let the sting sit there for a while so I really feel the pain and hopefully it deters me from doing this again.

    Other than that, I am feeling that pull for a life overhaul. And that irritates me, because I never make these life overhauls stick (because I am both undisciplined and probably overzealous). I am irritated with how I slack on taking care of myself and taking pride in myself. One of the big things for me is that I get out of bed at the absolute last second. Just changing this would take care of some other things I have been slacking on, such as making sure I look nice every day and making sure I have good healthy food ready for the day.

    I just want to look nice every day. It has a positive effect on my day and my mood to look nice. I want to make it a priority. I want to incorporate it into my daily life, and not have it be this “special” thing I do. Summer is here and I have a closet full of nice clothes for the weather. I spent winter kind of in the dumps because none of my winter clothes really fit well anymore. But the dresses I have for the summer are more forgiving than the winter clothes.

    I’ve always wanted to be one of those girls who is always on point. Legs always shaved, skin always soft, makeup always done, hair always done… I really really want this for myself. I don’t stick with it because it feels so time consuming when I try to make this happen. But I think that it is just time consuming at first until it becomes habit, and then it’s a lot faster. I just never get to that point before I give up or get distracted.

    I know we could easily debate the merits of this desire in the first place, but after years of attempting it on and off, I just know I want to honor this desire. I want to make it happen. And I just want to lose that last 20-30 pounds. I am so sick of being stuck in this place where I know I’m not happy. I make a point of being accepting and proud of myself no matter what, but deep down the truth is I want better for myself. And I’m irritated with myself for so many false starts. It’s time for me to get it together and achieve what I want for myself.



  22.  #22Liquid Light on May 23, 2016 at 9:56 am

    Millie

    You CAN be more positive, try to stop telling yourself things like its too hard etc. That’s the first step. Then try to challenge your negative thoughts when you notice them. Sometimes its hard to notice them but your feelings will point you to your thoughts. If you are feeling upset/bad/depressed/angry, its a thought that’s creating it. Challenge your thoughts by becoming very familiar with The Work. Once you make this more and more of a habit (to think positive thoughts rather than negative ones) then your underlying thought patterns will change. Its not an easy thing to do because you have been thinking this way your whole life. It won’t happen overnight and will take work…that’s why its called The Work 😉 But its the only way to really change your life/patterns.

    I do wish someone had told me these things when I was younger – I feel sad that I wasted so much of my precious 20s and 30s being depressed. It was just so unnecessary.

    Millie, I’ve said this before and I will say this again: you are awesome, you really are! I can tell from your posts that you are very talented, creative, and beautiful! 🙂 If I had believed these things about myself when I was young, I would have been so much more joyous, and would have appreciated my youth so much more!



  23.  #23Starla on May 23, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Rori, the snippets are not there – just the username and blog post they’re commenting on.



  24.  #24Zara on May 23, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Rori,

    I love the gravatar attributed to my username. The color and the shape of it. It feels like me.

    I miss having a number for each post. Without the numbers, it will be impossible to refer to a previous post and to know what the posters are referring to.

    I miss having the sequence pink/white/pink/white which was helping me catch at first glimpse the beginning of each post.

    While I am at it, I have been missing the option to be sent to my email box each comment posted on threads I had commented on myself. It was very handy to be warned that somebody was speaking to us somewhere on the blog, even on very old posts.

    xxx



  25.  #25Tee on May 23, 2016 at 10:26 am

    FW……generally speaking lol I do love the guy but there are days when I wonder if most of this, I made up in my head. Not that he’s not a good guy but *shrug* I sense some sensitivity with him, unresolved. He can mention my faults & he’s just trying to help lol but I mention his….his defenses go up.

    AZ ok I’m really failing at this Rori stuff. :(*

    At least I got a job right?



  26.  #26Indigo on May 23, 2016 at 10:39 am

    Starla,

    What you said struck a chord with me. I may have asked you this before, and of course if you don’t want to say that is absolutely fine, but would you feel comfortable sharing what you pick a fight with your boyfriend about?

    Personally… I have found that just self-punishing and self-flagellating is not enough to get me to never do that again. Although I never had a major problem with this, but the end of a relationship was often enough to get me to seriously re-think certain behaviour. Of course you never want it to get to that point. But… what I’m trying to say is that this is a really good opportunity for you to explore whatever this trigger is within the safety of your relationship. You need to go deeper in order to ensure this behaviour doesn’t happen again. Actually stare the trigger down in all its rawness in the cold light of day and look at it. Feel it. Then actually ask yourself if you can let it go. Examine what it would feel like for you to not make an issue out of this particular thing. Is that something you can live with? Can you bite your tongue a certain number of times and see if it’s REALLY worth bringing up? Is it worth getting into a fight over or can you allow yourself to nestle into the security of the fact that he loves you.

    This has been a really revolutionary thing for me in the way I communicate with my man. Rather than just feeling the hair-trigger reactiveness, force yourself to slow your reactions down, go deeper with the trigger. Feel around in it, ask your intuition for guidance. Try not saying anything and see how it feels. See if the behaviour persists or goes away on its own. Some things just resolve themselves without placing too much attention on them. Part of being secure in your relationship is knowing that. Some things ARE worth bringing up. I brought up a small issue with J the other night, but this was after I had bitten my tongue maybe 10 or 15 times because it wasn’t a HUGE thing, and I’d really sat with it and asked myself if it was something which needed to be said. I decided that it was, but because of doing this I was able to do it in an extremely calm, short and sweet way, without making a big deal of it. He heard me and the conversation was over in 2 minutes.

    Just a thought.



  27.  #27Lilybelly on May 23, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Starla,

    I so can relate to getting up in the morning. I set my alarm for 1.5 hours before I need to get in the shower so that I can enjoy coffee, laze around and wake up. It’s hard to get up but the reward for not having to rush about is worth it.



  28.  #28Azure Blu on May 23, 2016 at 11:45 am

    Indigo… _wish there were numbers on each post–
    I love what you shared here…
    you always come up with such yummie adjectives/verbs “or can you allow yourself to
    NESTLE INTO the security of the fact that he loves you.”

    I agree… I am able now, instead of knee-jerk reacting, to think about a thing that is annoying me (whether my man or anyone) for several days/weeks/months… until I realize it can be ignored (i’ve worked it out within myself) or I need to talk about it with that person.
    concentrating on my FEELINGs… what **I** am feeling in my heart, chest, stomach, pelvic…
    of course, i’m still working on all of this everyday… but i’m so much better at this now…
    Loving the sun, warmth and sounds of the Springtime in the Midwest!



  29.  #29Sassy on May 23, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Lillybelly

    You said “I feel soo triggered when he is near that I want to lash out. I feel weak and intimidated and oh so not enough for if I had been, this wouldn’t have happened. Not to us. I wonder why I’m not.”

    Please please please DO NOT think for one moment that any of what happened with J is your fault!
    You did not push him or make him or cause him to do any of it.

    Perhaps you should lash out at him, if you feel safe to do that. Just let it out. If you don’t feel safe, by all means, don’t, unless you have someone in your life that you trust enough to share it with.

    Allow yourself time to grieve your relationship with him. It’s ok to feel sad and mad and hurt and scared. But it is not your fault. I promise and I know you will be ok.

    Love and hugs



  30.  #30Rori Raye on May 23, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    ooooo..yes I see – snippets not there – also numbers….on it! Rori



  31.  #31Starla on May 23, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    Ironically, the take away from the fight with my boyfriend should be the antidote to what started it in the first place — fear that it’s not okay to get into a fight or have conflict of any kind. Fear that he’ll love me less or leave me. But the takeaway is that he’s not going anywhere and that it’s totally fine. And yet, I feel worse than ever about letting that fear heighten my emotions and push things to the limit. Probably because I “get” now that it’s not necessary. Whoever said it might be worth experimenting with biting my tongue is so right, and I have been doing that on the advice of a Rori coach. It’s been great. Truth is, I forgot that this was the protocol because I had been drinking a lot that night! I am not a big drinker at all, but next time I drink, I will remind myself beforehand that there is a certain way I’d like to handle my triggers.



  32.  #32Starla on May 23, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Lilybelly, I love not having to rush in the morning. Sadly I end up rushing every single morning because I stay in bed until the last possible minute.

    One thing that should help is I made it my goal this week to get up every morning in time to make breakfast for me and my boyfriend. Getting out of bed earlier today was a lot easier knowing that someone is relying on me to keep them from starving :).



  33.  #33Lilybelly on May 23, 2016 at 4:27 pm

    I so enjoy that quiet time in the morning..with a tasty caribou caramel coffee. Yum. It is the time during the day now, when I can go outdoors and look at the sunrise. I actually do that now.. In the winter, I’ve walked out the back and saw deer in the woods and stars…even in the burbs..

    I just need to remember to take those good feelings with me.

    But yea, mornings are hard. I could sleep ten hours every day with no problem. Breakfast sounds like a nice start.

    You have this.



  34.  #34Lilybelly on May 23, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    Thank you, Sassy. I do know this, deep down, I really do. And he admits it’s his fault. He can’t figure out the “why”s of it. He also told me that he loves me but doesn’t understand how he’ll ever be able to look at me again. Is that a touch of Shame I sense???

    I know it isn’t me, I am beautiful, inside and out, but on particularly hard day, like this one…I get soft and quiet and deeply, deeply sad and I can’t help but wonder again…about me…and what did I do?..

    And then when I have thought about it too much, I cry. Today was the first day since Friday morning that I cried. I made up for the days between but hey! I went a couple days.

    Thank you again, Sassy. I needed that and saw it at just the right time.

    Lil



  35.  #35Waterfall on May 23, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    Sirens,

    helloo. I apologies for just jumping straight in without reading anything or catching up on the blog.

    but it is 2.21 in the morning in the UK and I am beyond distraught.

    my ex-boyfriend D who I was seeing on and off for the past few years has had a baby behind my back.

    I am in shock. to say the least.

    he was not going to tell me but someone has alerted me on Facebook.

    to say that it has brought issues to the surface is an understatement,

    Apologies for rushing.

    here is some background…

    he has been pursuing me relentlessly this last year and I have felt closer to him that ever. Are times together had become really beautiful and i was getting more and more drawn in than ever before. he says all the right things and up until this point i had trusted him completely – with my life even. i had excepted his ways and to be honest he was like a different person.

    We were doing so much more together and everything felt really good and stable, Although we weren’t sleeping together and i didn’t see him often i heard from him all the time and he wanted to see me more, but i didn’t want to rush into anything. i am still not 100% sure. i get that i may never be and friendship is as far as it will ever go with us.

    in the meantime he has gone off and met someone else and she has had his baby. it has all been a complete shock and i have felt totally totally suicidal.

    he tells me that it is not what it seems and that this woman wanted a baby and so did he because he thought that we would never be together again.

    i feel like he has taken a knife and plunged it straight through my heart and ripped my sole out. i am so dumbfounded by it all. for once i am at a loss to know what to say.

    right before i had found out last week he was sending me beautiful texts and generally telling me that he hopes we grow old and grey together and he misses what we had.

    i guess he is with her now and he was still keeping me hanging on. but it is so hard to let go.

    i truly do believe in my heart that he loves me or i don’t think he would put himself through all of this. but i am so confused because it is the ultimate betrayal.

    even now he is still saying that he wanted to carry on a relationship with me and he wishes i had not found out. i know this is wrong.

    but i have to say i believe him. he tells me that they are not in a relationship but that they both wanted to have a baby and because of all the shit he was going through in his life he decided to do it.

    the only reason i believe him is this:

    he has no reason to lie. he has met a young beautiful woman. she has had his baby. yet the whole time he was with me in one shape or form or another.

    maybe he just feels guilty but in all honesty i don’t believe that.

    i think that we both love each other but fear has drove us apart.

    i realise my heart was never open with him.

    it feels so right when we are together but we would always end up arguing and i truly think it was because of mis-communication.

    i didn’t accept him and he felt rejected. i realise that now.

    but now with the baby i think i need to wise up a bit.

    i can’t describes why i think he still loves me but i do.

    but i guess he now has a baby so he will have to take care of it.

    i still think he loves me and wants to be with me because he has not stopped pursuing me.

    and when i say pursuing me i mean i have not experienced anything like it.

    i am hoping beyond hope that i will wake up and be glad that this has happened because now I am forced to face the truth.

    the truth is i believe him. i feel it in my bones.

    he has got mad at me for rejecting him. he’s had an opportunity and he’s taken it.

    i just hope i wake up one day and feel i need more out of life

    i don’t want to care what he wants. i seem to have these enormous feelings for this man and i’m sure it is because he is treating me badly.

    that is why i am so confused.

    he is soooo utterly charming and i don’t have him down as a cheater which is why i believe his story. don’t ask me why but i do believe his story.

    but then he has massively lied to me so i don’t know if i can believe a word he says anymore

    i am in so much pain. i jus hope it will ease but it’s not showing any signs yet.



  36.  #36Indigo on May 23, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    I just feel I need to say something in the form of a mini-vent.

    It never ceases to amaze me how, when you get into a happy relationship, you become virtually invisible to your guy friends. I have, or at least had, two close guy friends and since I’ve been dating J I’ve not heard from them once. I’ve reached out to them a couple of times, and barely get a response. In fact yesterday I skyped one of them and didn’t get a response. Whaaat?



  37.  #37LoveToMe on May 24, 2016 at 3:40 am

    Lilybelly – “When he is away, I feel calm and able to tune out thoughts of him..”

    Well, this sounds like a start also!

    You feel calm without him & anxious when he is around…indications that the relationship is not right. You’ve been defining it and feeling as if *you* are not enough. Maybe that’s not it at all. Maybe he knows that you are, and HE doesn’t feel like he can be enough for YOU, so he’s stepping back – making room for the right guy.

    I believe men do this, whether they know it consciously or not. It hurts like hell for us, and we are always left questioning ourselves and what we think we did wrong. He may even say things. But on some level, he probably just knows he’s not right for you, and he really wants you to be totally happy. So he’s not going to let you be partially happy just so you can be when him.

    That’s one theory



  38.  #38LoveToMe on May 24, 2016 at 3:48 am

    Indigo – I don’t have a lot of experience with this, since I mostly have female friends. But my guess is “bro code.” That is, it’s not that they don’t want to talk to you. It’s that they are respecting your relationship. They know that even a simple conversation could look to someone like they are “hitting” on you. They want to residency J and not do that. Perhaps, as friends, maybe they have some attraction for you that wasn’t voiced. But now they know they can’t date you.

    But like I said, I’m guessing here. Ive usually found the opposite. When I am in a good relationship, I have BETTER relationships with all other guys – whether that’s my guy friends, or relatives, or random guys that I meet. It’s because I feel comfortable and relaxed talking to them. I don’t feel needy, so I can flirt freely, without thinking that it has to “go somewhere.” The pressure is off. It’s fun. I remember liking that feeling. I haven’t felt it in a looooong time



  39.  #39LoveToMe on May 24, 2016 at 3:50 am

    They want to *respect* J is what I meant to write..



  40.  #40LoveToMe on May 24, 2016 at 4:31 am

    Starla: “I just want to look nice every day. It has a positive effect on my day and my mood to look nice. I want to make it a priority.”

    You can do this!

    Step 1: you know you want to do this *for you.* so go inside and make sure you aren’t trying to look nice like “someone else” – aka like “those girls who are always on point.” You aren’t going to look like them. What you are going to look like is *you* enjoying life and feeling fabulous.

    Step 2: everything else. Haha.

    It takes some experimentation to figure out what really makes you feel good sometimes. And it changes by day. Maybe one day you want to wear a big chunky necklace. Maybe the next, you want your hair up. The next you want it down. Don’t try and look the same every day. When you do the thing where you look in the mirror, you can see the parts of you that you like, and then you can think, what would feel good to wear today? How do I want to look *today*? It builds your intuition and listening to yourself, actually.

    And it is NOT superficial! You are correct – when you are dressed in a way that makes you feel good, it boosts your self esteem and your mood. It is deeper than skin.

    The time thing could be tricky. It took me a very long time to figure out my own time. But like you, I realized that I hated rushing in the morning. And I was ALWAYS rushing. But it was making my whole day tense. Now I give myself a good two hours. I know I need that. And even then, I use every second. But at least I don’t feel rushed. Think of that like a goal, though. You won’t turn that around in a second. You’ll have to find a way that works for you.

    Here’s one thing you can try that won’t require extra time in the morning: before going to bed at night, spend some quality time in your closet, looking at what you have to wear, and pick out an outfit for the next day. Take time feeling the fabrics and looking at colors. Hold the dress up and compare it to another dress. Take all the time you need when you are not rushing. Think about what would feel FUN to wear – not just what would “look good.” Then get out all the accoutrements, too. Socks of tights, shoes, bra, panties, jewelry. Put out the whole outfit and hang it neatly or out it in a chair where you can see it.

    Then it will be there for you in the morning You can wake up, knowing you won’t have to pick out your outfit. It will actually save you tube in the morning. So you can spend those few extra minutes styling your hair or putting on a little makeup.

    I feel excited for you to try this. I totally support you wanting to feel awesome. It’s really worth it. Try it once and see how it goes.

    Will you let me know???



  41.  #41LoveToMe on May 24, 2016 at 4:35 am

    OMG I wish there was an edit feature for typos. Lol.

    *socks or tights

    (Don’t forget about belts or scarves! : )

    **put it on a chair

    Save you *time* in the morning



  42.  #42Indigo on May 24, 2016 at 5:18 am

    Thanks LoveToMe, I’m sure that’s part of it.

    It’s hard for me not to feel abandoned when my friends don’t reach out to me though.

    On the plus side, J and I are virtually inseparable so I don’t notice thaaat much.



  43.  #43Azure Blu on May 24, 2016 at 5:32 am

    LoveToMe
    Ahhhh… thank you for the Steps to getting clothes ready for the next day…
    i struggle with this over the YEARS!!!
    I am mostly late to meetings etc… whether business or fun…
    I know that many books and authors recommend putting out cloths the night before…
    you made it seem so fun!!



  44.  #44Emerson on May 24, 2016 at 5:59 am

    So now I know that young CD is just ignoring me. So rude I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I don’t like men that are hot and cold. And that’s what he is.. I can see that he read my message. And no reply.. Very childish. I’m still disappointed though.
    Another let down.. I don’t want to subscribe to”men are all the same” but sure feels that way now when I thought I meet someone who is different. Bummed



  45.  #45Starla on May 24, 2016 at 8:05 am

    Thanks, Lovetome. I got up early again today and got ready and made breakfast. I wanted to get more ready with adding some eyeliner but ran out of time. But my hair’s done and I have a full face of makeup except for eyeliner. This is all feeling pretty good!



  46.  #46April Rose on May 24, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    Just posting to see what my gravatar looks like!



  47.  #47Rori Raye on May 24, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    LoveToMe – I LOVE this! Thank you! Rori



  48.  #48Indigo on May 24, 2016 at 10:58 pm

    Emerson 44,

    I’m sorry this happened to you. I feel like things like this are a good reminder not to invest in a man to the point that we get “disappointed” or “let down” before things have become quite a lot more real with him. It’s like I’ve said before, and it’s a little known/discussed fact, men take a lot longer to bond than we do. That’s why a man you’ve been going out with for a month can disappear on you without a second thought.

    All men are not the same. I know this for a fact. What I also know for a fact is that these different, wonderful men only start showing up when *we* are different. If we do the same things we’ve always done, we’ll get the same results we’ve always got.

    Love to you.



  49.  #49Azure Blu on May 25, 2016 at 5:19 am

    Ooops!!! I see the numbers!
    Yayay!!!
    Thanks



  50.  #50Azure Blu on May 25, 2016 at 5:47 am

    ((((Waterfall…))))
    love and huggs… I’m so glad you came here to share your pain and anguish
    and to find refuge when your wold must surely feel upside down!!!

    I know how that feels… 20 years ago I had an on-again-off-again bf who did the very same thing…
    He couldn’t see why i’d be upset (i stopped by one evening and the baby was there)
    BECAUSE… I had put up with ALL sorts of unloving, unkind behavior from him for 3 years…
    I thought he was the MOST wonderful man in the world….
    That was the beginning of me taking better care of me… around that time I was reading Harriet Lerners “the dance of anger” healing my childhood traumas and focusing on self love…
    For the next year I started asking for what I needed and wanted in a relationship…
    He couldn’t give that… and so I was able to let go…
    Yes… 4 years to let go BUT I did do it… Yayay!!!
    I was always giving and giving to him… in my mind giving excuses for his mean, thoughtless, toxic behavior…
    It was All I thought I deserved… I thought I had to beg for love, I didn’t deserve kindness, compassion thoughtfulness… cause that was how I had been raised…
    As I began to pull away from this man – Dating other men
    he continued to persue me- i think I saw him one last time and realized how cold and unkind he was… He called several times after and invited me over… I said no and then didn’t answer the phone anymore…

    Waterfall… You say you and this man havn’t had s*x in a year… so maybe you are just friends…. Are you CDing?
    I’m wondering why you think you deserve this secrecy and, lying from someone who says they love you?



  51.  #51Liquid Light on May 25, 2016 at 10:34 am

    Indigo 33: This doesn’t surprise me. That’s why I don’t have male friends. There’s always something more that’s wanted from them, its never a true friendship. So I just don’t bother anymore, Do you have female friends too?



  52.  #52Liquid Light on May 25, 2016 at 10:36 am

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Waterfall)))))))))))))))))))))))

    Hang in there, girl, and please keep coming back here and sharing your feelings. Don’t feel that you are all alone in this. We are here for you!



  53.  #53Liquid Light on May 25, 2016 at 10:37 am

    Can I request a new gravatar? Mine is kinda…meh LOL



  54.  #54Indigo on May 25, 2016 at 11:09 am

    Liquid Light,

    Yeah, I suppose deep down I know men well enough to know that there is at least *something* they are wanting from you if they are your friend, even if it is a certain amount of emotional support, that they can’t get when you are in a relationship, so they don’t bother. But it still hurts. Both of these guys would absolutely swear up and down that they don’t want more from me than friendship, but a small, tiny voice tells me that this isn’t strictly true, since they were both interested in me at one time, even though that ship sailed a long time ago. I think it’s actually the dishonesty that hurts. It makes me feel uncomfortable to think about someone hanging around on the periphery of my life only for what they can “get” in return. I don’t know, I’m just having a bit of a vent. They’re not bad guys, they’ve been decent friends and they do care, but I don’t know, I’m just a bit over the whole thing.

    Yes, I do have female friends. Not a lot, I’m not the kind of person who has tons of friends. But I do have a couple who are quite dear to me.



  55.  #55Zara on May 25, 2016 at 11:52 am

    Wow! The “notify me of follow up comments via email” has come back! Yeah! Thank you Rori. I feel spoiled 🙂
    Suscribing right this minute…



  56.  #56Jessie1001 on May 25, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    I went to trivia night last night at a pub by me for fun, with my buddy jill…one of my toxic ex bfs texted me just before we were going to leave because thank god I think I would have been weak and spent some time with him
    yay I feel proud of myself for actually doing something and going out…although I suck at trivia but we had a good laugh about it haha
    Hope to do karaoke tmrw night too just so Im not sitting home being a sitting duck and get over these old bfs



  57.  #57Victoria on May 26, 2016 at 12:07 am

    Indigo,
    Why are you taking it in a negative way? I think practically all my male friends could not swear that they would not want something more than a friendship under the right circumstances. An attractive woman is an attractive woman, Why would I be disappointed that they fell prey to my charm, hehehe.



  58.  #58Indigo on May 26, 2016 at 2:07 am

    Victoria,

    Yes, of course it is a compliment. But, like many women I suppose, I get tired of being seen in “that” way. I’d like to be loved by my friends as a human being. Whether I’m in a relationship or not. Is that too much to ask?



  59.  #59Victoria on May 26, 2016 at 4:21 am

    Indigo darling,
    I guess it is our age difference that explains our difference of opinion here. I, nearing mid-40s, don’t think I will get tired of being seen that way, I actually hope and pray to be seen that way for as long as possible.
    I think we have had this discussion before with you. I think for men it is very difficult to look at women simply as “human beings”, unless this human being is too young, too old, or a blood relative, ideally two out of three. .
    By the way, I don’t think my male friends disappear on me when I am off the market… but that is may be because I never really am off the market, lol.



  60.  #60Kim on May 26, 2016 at 4:42 am

    Oh Victoria, I love that last comment….lol….I don’t have many male friends anymore either for the reason that I notice they get bored when I have a partner…BUT I have noticed that having a ring on one’s finger does not deter men from trying.
    This makes me laugh!
    Only the other day did I get approached for a lunch date. Out of the blue. I said: oh thank you, I feel flattered but think my fiance wouldn’t like it.
    The answer was: he doesn’t need to know.
    I LOL – that’s men for you.
    Feels good no to be invisible, and yes, long may it continue 🙂



  61.  #61Azure Blu on May 26, 2016 at 5:47 am

    interesting Kim, Indigo & Victoria,
    My son (31) will talk to me about some of his potential girl friends, and his flirtings….
    I’ll try and give him some insights into the female heart…
    Off and on I have said… “did you ask in an off hand way if she has a boyfriend?”
    He always says… “Mom. who cares if she has a boyfriend? If she wants to go out with me she will. I’m the best!”
    That’s how they feel… they will win over any girl! I;m thinking they feel It’s even more interesting if she *IS* with someone else!!
    I agree… long may they find me alluring and attractive!
    Over the years… I have let go of all my male friends – except a couple of gay men friends… because they did always get jealous – even though we both agreed we were only friends… and the man I was with would be jealous. of their friendships..
    Sooo… I got tired of the whole thing…



  62.  #62Azure Blu on May 26, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Kim,
    Wondering how if your book has been published? I’m wanting to purchase it as soon as it is!!! :-))



  63.  #63Kim on May 26, 2016 at 5:56 am

    Azure…your son sounds very masculine in his approach, love it! Who cares if they have a boyfriend..and I agree, many men think like this!
    And thank you so much for remembering my book! So sweet of you…well, I had a problem with the cover, it didn’t print well so I was waiting for the girl who did it to fix a few things, and just ordered another proof. I must admit also as it has been dragging on I have been feeling more and more nervous about putting myself out there…as it is very personal in parts – FEAR!
    Anyway, if this proof is good, I will hit the publish button…this weekend or next week….I will let you know, and thank you again <3
    xoxo



  64.  #64Kim on May 26, 2016 at 5:59 am

    Not sure what is more nerve wracking, the wedding or the book LOL
    Getting married in 23 days….eeeeek!
    My fiance is overexcited…I am also but at the same time it feels weird – I only had myself to consider all these years, yes I had relationships but mainly I did what I wanted, lived and worked in different countries etc. now I have to consider another person.
    It’s new.



  65.  #65Azure Blu on May 26, 2016 at 6:18 am

    ((((Kim))) #63
    Mmmm… how interesting that you are mentioning this…
    This is probably what I am struggling with… although I have 2 children that I have always had/wanted/ love to consider
    With Spirit, this is a whole other part of my heart that
    I want to EXPAND and learn to let him in more…
    learn to consider him..
    When I listen to my feelings about this.. I feel scared, anxiety
    my chest feels tight and constricted….
    It *IS* very , very frightening…
    I love my fear…



  66.  #66Azure Blu on May 26, 2016 at 6:20 am

    Kim…
    Wow… I can’t imagine how that would feel to write a book about
    Your journey…
    That would be VERY BRAVE!!!
    Hope the cover works out!!
    Yes, you are right… my son IS very masculine…



  67.  #67Victoria on May 26, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Kim,
    Congratulations on the book, I would also love to buy it when it becomes available, I hope you could let us know where/how to get it.

    How are things with the sister-from-hell?



  68.  #68Kim on May 26, 2016 at 7:05 am

    Ha! Thank you Victoria! The sister from hell….lol…no idea as she doesn’t talk to us. Well she talks to her brother regarding the travel arrangements and I do not ask. I don’t want to know, or rather I know enough already about her attitude…I do not need to know or hear anymore.
    Beyond the ordering of her special food I voiced that I did not want to be involved in anything else…so my guy has not mentioned a word and I trust all will work out as it is supposed to be.
    I am also trusting (foolishly perhaps) that she won’t disrupt our plans or create a scene at the wedding. If she does, I will calmly ask her to leave, otherwise I will just be happy, beaming, radiant and a class act. And ever so sweet 🙂
    As to the book – thank you so much and I feel totally flattered, well you can check out the webpage http://www.walkingthekeys.com
    Plus I will let you ladies know here. It means a lot to me.
    Thank you
    xoxo



  69.  #69Victoria on May 26, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Kim,
    The site looks great, and I am looking forward for the book, and also, you are sooooo pretty!
    Brava



  70.  #70Indigo on May 26, 2016 at 9:16 am

    Victoria & Kim,

    Something to make you laugh: I once heard a guy say, “Just because there’s a goalkeeper doesn’t mean you can’t score!”

    I don’t know. Yuck. Glad you ladies enjoy it. I don’t. I find too much of that sort of attention overwhelming. I prefer people to be interested in my heart.



  71.  #71Kim on May 26, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    I don’t know what ‘yuck’ means when we talk about male interest, isn’t this what this whole blog is about? circular dating and getting the right relationship and commitment from a man?
    I don’t think there is a man in the world who is not looking at the outside of a woman first (unless he is blind, when it is about voice) and being attracted to a woman before he even cares to look at her heart…
    There is nothing yuck about this.
    It’s human nature.
    Of course, we can feel yuck about it, or we can just feel secure about ourselves and have fun with it and it can make us feel good about ourselves.
    To me it feels better to chose the positive..oh wow, look, men are still attracted to me…this feels nice…and maybe also the reason why my fiance is still very much attracted to me…after 3 years, because I feel good with it.



  72.  #72Kim on May 26, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Victoria, thank you!!!
    Ah these are actually some of the worst pictures of me…as I was always sweaty and exhausted and zero make-up whilst walking that loooong walk….
    So I feel REALLY flattered that you find me pretty.
    🙂
    I was debating for ages whether to even put them up or just landscape….



  73.  #73Indigo on May 26, 2016 at 10:18 pm

    Kim,

    I’m not going to bother to explain what I mean.

    I’m glad you have what you want, and I also have what I want… a boyfriend who adores me and I feel very happy and secure.



  74.  #74Tee on May 27, 2016 at 7:56 am

    #16 FW/Sharing

    I know it’s not my “job” to figure E out but sometimes I think it would be helpful lol
    So Monday was a bit of a bummer.

    Tuesday was status quo.
    Wednesday he decides that we’re going clothes shopping so that’s what we did.

    Thursday he takes me to work, mentions that he needs to get me a pass for work next week. He also told me that he’d have no problem taking off from work if the baby happened to get sick so that I wouldn’t have to. He already spoke to his Supervisor about it.

    He takes my aunts car (that we use fairly often) to be washed and vacuumed. Then he took us (me and the baby) out to dinner last night & seemed unusually happy. He’s blasting Michael Jackson songs, singing loudly through the open window & honking the horn at people to get them to join in.

    THIS! This is the version of E that I love. This is why I’m here. This is what I want more of.

    Maybe he hit the lottery and I don’t know it yet lol I did thank him for taking us out to dinner.



  75.  #75Femininewoman on May 27, 2016 at 10:13 am

    “This is what I want more of.”

    I have learned to share appreciation and praise in moments like these. Try playing with showing your emotions in a way that reflect his intensity and see what happens.



  76.  #76Femininewoman on May 27, 2016 at 10:24 am

    RE 71 Kim you make so much sense to me. Especially because I use rebuff men’s attention in my younger days. I remember even at times feeling like barfing. I was so repulsed. I view that type of response differently now.



  77.  #77Kim on May 27, 2016 at 10:25 am

    Ah Indigo…I wasn’t asking for an explanation. I was simply sharing my experiences – and I believe at a decade ahead of you in years, and another decade of three month relationships, three years and 5 years relationships ahead of you, I was stating what has worked for me. Namely to keep my options and my heart open to all men around me much what Rori here talks about. And to enjoy.

    It’s all very well to be uppety and say ‘oh I only want a man to be interested in my heart’ and of course we ALL want that…but in reality I have found it takes a while for a man to move beyond the sweet nothings and actually see our hearts.

    First thing they see is the outside…our mannerisms and all that…once that first infatuation has worn off I begin to take the relationship seriously. I have never found it worked for me to close off all my other options and stay open to them…I kinda spent 20 years having long and short relationships that never went anywhere…because I had a very romantic notion of relationships and love. Men are not women with penises.

    Like Rori says: they look for someone who can give them a boner AND to get close to feelings wise…I have found this to be the absolute truth…nothing wrong, or ‘yuck’ in my mind about that at all….typically, first comes the boner then the rest…lol….



  78.  #78Kim on May 27, 2016 at 10:29 am

    76 yes exactly FW. Praise be to life experience!
    I have chilled out about so many things during the last few years…sometimes it just is what it is. I look at the positive. I feel flattered when I get any type of male attention that isn’t offensive (drunk or overtly sexual or anything like that).
    I see it as a compliment.
    I feel kinda surprised why women wouldn’t?



  79.  #79Tee on May 27, 2016 at 10:37 am

    #75
    Any examples FW? Not sure exactly how you mean?



  80.  #80Indigo on May 27, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    Kim,

    Not being uppety, just being myself. Which I’m entitled to be. It isn’t a competition.

    Again, good for you.



  81.  #81Femininewoman on May 27, 2016 at 1:06 pm

    he took us (me and the baby) out to dinner – ooohhh I just love the ambiance of this place

    He’s blasting Michael Jackson songs, singing loudly through the open window – match his intensity by singing along or with body dancing gyrations even though sitting.



  82.  #82Tee on May 27, 2016 at 1:16 pm

    Gotcha! Cool 🙂



  83.  #83Liquid Light on May 27, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    Kim

    I just checked out your web site/book. Really amazing work, the design is so well done, and the photos are beautiful. I really love the concept too. So impressed! Great job, girl! You are rockin it! 🙂



  84.  #84Zara on May 28, 2016 at 8:37 am

    Some articles I posted in 2013

    1)

    Can men and women be just friends?

    http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends

    [ Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.

    New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment….]

    [….]

    [The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. [……] Men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.
    Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. ]

    […..]

    [Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.]

    […..]

    [ In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex. Variables related to romantic attraction (e.g., “our relationship could lead to romantic feelings”) were five times more likely to be listed as negative aspects of the friendship than as positive ones. However, the differences between men and women appeared here as well. Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

    Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be “just friends”—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. And even though both genders agree overall that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, males are less likely than females to hold this view.

    So, can men and women be “just friends?” If we all thought like women, almost certainly. But if we all thought like men, we’d probably be facing a serious overpopulation crisis.]

    xxx



  85.  #85Zara on May 28, 2016 at 8:43 am

    2)

    Written by Rori Raye in 2009: “Don’t Be Friends”

    [ This is a jump off from a question from Robin –

    “””My pattern seems to be getting put in the ‘friends’ category. When I was a teenager, I thought this was the way to go, because I always heard from people that you want to “marry your best friend.” Or that you have a better chance of being with someone if you are their friend first.
    Looking back, I can see how I came to this conclusion; my grandparents were best friends, and theirs was the healthiest of relationships I could observe at that time in my life.
    And even that was not all that healthy and not completely what I want for my own life…
    I really value a friendship element in a long-term relationship, and can see from others in my life that this is important for marriage, BUT…
    I’m missing something if I keep getting put in that category. And I can’t quite figure out how to undo this pattern, because I formed this pattern, thinking it was a good thing to go to one extreme of the spectrum.
    Is there a specific way to break this pattern all at once, or is this something for baby steps??”””

    Here’s my answer:

    The truth is – we KNOW a friend from a lover. Hanging out with a male “friend” can be fantastic. My men friends saved my emotional life countless times, and those memories are some of my best.

    Unless a man is gay, however (which is why gay men are often the best friends) – you can TELL if he’s hanging out with you because of genuine friendship or if he’s “interested” in you in more romantic ways.

    And it feels GREAT if a man is “interested” in you and wants to be around you – especially if he’s romantically interested in you, because that adds another dimension that makes you feel attractive and sexy in his presence – not just like a “pal” – and if what you pick up from him is that he’s not romantically interested – as long as YOU don’t have those kinds of feelings for him – it doesn’t MATTER! You can enjoy being with him no matter WHAT his level of interest, as long as it feels like fun – and as long as you don’t CARE.

    The reverse is completely NOT GOOD for you – where you are hanging out with a man who has expressed “friendship” in words, deeds, and energy – and YOU feel MORE.

    Just don’t do that. Don’t hang out with men friends when you wish there were more. Just don’t do it.

    Now – here’s a wrinkle:

    We’re friends with people because we feel attracted to them. This includes the “geeky” guy we know who’s funny and makes us laugh. This includes our girlfriends. Anyone we feel good around, anyone we want to talk to, be with, stand near – we feel attracted to. And I don’t just mean “platonically.”
    .

    I know this is hard to embrace. But the truth is – there is an erotic component to this attraction. The next time you find yourself talking with someone you couldn’t IMAGINE feeling erotically attracted to – a homeless person, a person you might label as “ugly” – or the wrong gender – if you can embrace the truth that you are erotically attracted to that person as well as attracted on intellectual and emotional levels – you will get this so much faster.
    .

    In other words – if you like being around a person – there is a part of you that feels erotically attracted to them. It doesn’t mean you find this person appropriate for a relationship, and it doesn’t mean you feel romantically attracted to them. It just means you feel sexually, erotically attracted.

    And what happens with most of us? When we’re faced with an erotic attraction to someone “inappropriate” – we shut down.

    And I don’t want you to do that.

    I want you to stay open to ALWAYS feeling erotically attracted to YOURSELF – and so you will ALWAYS be radiating a sexual, sensual, erotic vibe. We’re all afraid of what will happen if we open ourselves up like that – and I want you to embrace that fear and open up anyway.

    So – what you may feel from a man who says he wants “friendship” is that EROTIC component he also feels. You may just hook it up to your OWN feelings for him, because these energies bounce off of each other, or you may mistake that erotic energy for ROMANTIC feelings.

    This is how it gets so confusing with a man who says “friends” but feels like more than that to you. This is why a man can sleep with you and still consider you just a “friend.”

    It’s not cruelty. He’s not trying to hurt you. It’s just simpler for him than it is for you.

    So don’t go there. Just say NO to “just friends.”

    Circular Date. Do the Whole Targeting Mr. Right “Diva” stuff – and it will get clear to you…Love, Rori ]

    xxx



  86.  #86Kim on May 29, 2016 at 10:39 am

    Hey Liquid Light!
    I feel so flattered and happy reading that you liked my site 🙂
    Thank you!
    Just going through the last draft, want to publish today or tomorrow. Feeling excitedly nervous…or nervously excited?
    Eeeek



  87.  #87Azure Blu on May 29, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Kim
    I know the book is going to be fantastic!!! Kind of like “Wild”
    Everyone is very interested in the walking journeys of others… “armchair walkers!!!”
    Were you going to set up a facebook account to promote it?
    Good luck – can’t wait to read it!!



  88.  #88Indigo on May 29, 2016 at 11:18 am

    Thanks Zara, but as I said to Kim, I’m quite fine with the way I see things.

    Not looking for advice or to have my feelings changed on the matter, in case that wasn’t clear.

    I was just venting.



  89.  #89Kim on May 29, 2016 at 11:48 am

    Azuuuure! 🙂
    Thank you!
    Yes, I have a lil fb walking page, it is called (like the book): Walking The Keys To Happiness

    I have just been correcting some minor things and have trouble with Amazon accepting my file now lol. It’s never ending! Was hoping to publish tomorrow, fingers crossed!

    Thank you ladies <3



  90.  #90Grace on May 29, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    “Just don’t do that. Don’t hang out with men friends when you wish there were more. Just don’t do it.”

    Roger that.

    I squandered YEARS trying to be friends with an ex, always wishing there was more and feeling hurt again and again and again and again ad nauseum that there wasn’t.

    Since I told Lanky I don’t want to be friends AND I TOTALLY MEAN IT, it seems new friends, who really want to be real friends and are excited about being friends with me, are popping up. I’m being invited places and given more opportunities at work, simply because people like being around me. Yesterday the owner of our company came out to check out the show we were setting up, looked around, and said, “We’ve really got our A-team out here today,” and I feel certain he meant all of us were the best he has, not “everyone but me”, haha.

    Going no-contact with Lanky, and not trying to explain or make it better for him, seems to have opened up a door to feeling stronger and standing up for myself more openly and firmly as well. I noticed my brain getting stuck on ruminating on hearing him say, “I can’t give you what you want,” and changed the script. I look in the mirror and say to me, “I can give you what you want. I WANT to give you what you want! I am HAPPY to give you what you want! I know you are the one for me. I can make you happy. I love you. I am crazy about you.” and all kinds of other things I want to hear from my man, instead of dwelling on the unwanted.

    For the moment I’m totally spoiling myself with a honey mask, rich thick moisturizer for my body, a hot bath (worked 21 hours yesterday!) and planning lunch with a friend. I’m feeling quite appreciated for simply being myself these days.

    I’m feeling so happy and grateful, again, for the tools I’ve learned from Rori and how I learned to lean back, feel what I’m feeling, express that, and be more and more true to and in tune with myself.

    I feel SO grateful.

    happythankyoumoreplease!



  91.  #91Grace on May 29, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    I also feel grateful for the men who have come into my life who are definitely romantically and sexually interested in me, AND also interested in genuine friendship. I’ve had several conversations recently where we have spoken openly about our sexual feelings and at the same time, there is no pull to ‘go there’, we simply acknowledge and can joke about them getting a hard-on when we hug. 😀 They are treating me like gold, really, and something I’m especially noticing is the men showing up and being real friends, don’t seem to have that Madonna/Whore split. They speak quite respectfully and appreciative of women and of their sexual encounters, very sex-positive and frank and open about sex. I also feel respected, appreciated and accepted for my choices and ‘vanilla’ proclivities. *giggling*

    Yes, this. I feel like grinning with sheer gratitude and sweetness. 😀



  92.  #92Azure Blu on May 29, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    Grace #90&91
    Ahhhhh the Power of self love… thank you for sharing the loving words you tell yourself…
    I will try them now…



  93.  #93Zara on June 3, 2016 at 12:05 pm

    “Proclivities” . (Zara grabs the new english word and runs with it, giggling). Thank you Grace 🙂

    xxx



  94.  #94Zara on June 3, 2016 at 3:24 pm


  95.  #95Grace on June 4, 2016 at 7:51 am

    Zara 93 – Now I’m feeling smiley and giggling, too! I feel delighted you like it. 🙂