Can You Practice With A Train Wreck Of A Man?

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traintracksThe Question:

Rori,
I’ve been using my soft on the outside “I” statements and have firm boundaries on the inside, such as wanting to be loved faithfully and feel special to the man in my life. I even said this to him recently in those exact words.

I’ve known Henry, let’s call him, since last year. We dated 6-7 months last year and then due to his being overloaded did not see each other for about 4 months in 2014.

We reconnected non romantically in November and then romantically over the holidays. We had 2 amazing dates where he remembered key dates we had had, conversations, lots from last year and was very open and warm and almost vulnerable and stayed and talked for hours and we had dinner together.

I felt as though he was a completely different person than the stressed out guy I had met early in 2014.

At the beginning of February I asked if we could hang out during the day, perhaps on a weekend and his response was that he was going to have friends come to town for 2 weeks, basically Feb 3-14th, so the only time he would have to see me would be at night.

(I declined to let him come over later that Tuesday night, such as 9-10PM.) I said I was doing taxes and he got uppity about that, saying why now, why not wait until October, just ask for an extension!

I texted in response to a flirtatious drawing he sent me the next day that “I would love to do that with someone who loves me faithfully and with a man that makes me feel special to him.”

What he took from that was to text me more often, almost every day and showing concern through texting.

However, in person, he continued to call me at the last minute, at 6PM, text rather, last Friday night to see if I was available. I responded that I had just got home and that he could come over.

He didn’t show up until 8:30PM, after he had his dinner, and was an emotional, weary, work worn mess. My kids were upstairs at home, to his shock (normally I’m free if I invite him over).

He met them briefly and then they went back upstairs watching Disney show. He stayed until 11:30PM, then realizing he couldn’t stay over, he went home.

No warmth came from him, he just ranted about his work legal problems the whole night. What a bore. Mind you this was Friday February 13th.

No news from him on Valentines Day, except to respond to my text of Happy Valentines Day, hope its a great day.

Following Monday and Tuesday, (Feb 16 and 17) cheerful texts came from him to see what I was doing, how was my day and that I had cute children, etc.

He called February 17th, Tuesday evening at 8PM to say he had just worked 12 hours and was exhausted. I replied I was home working on stuff, cheerfully chatting, but no invitation came from me to come over. I followed up with an email to say that I would have liked to have received flowers for Valentine’s Day.

I said I felt disappointed not to have been invited out on VD or to have received flowers or a call. I closed with “I know that you are very busy and often stressed but I am very sensitive to some things and this is one of them.”

No news since then from him.

What does a girl do ? To miss celebrating Valentines Day with me in some fashion is irreperable. And here I’ve been following your advice and doing the receiving and responding, not chasing (with the occasional call to be spontaneous). It seemed to be working to some degree of success.

Rori, I did not cut it off with him as I felt it would be good for me to practice on a man who clearly is a train wreck for a woman to deal with much let into her home to live with her and her children. What a mess that would be.

Mind you, I Circular Date, get hit on all the time, enjoy men, and am a basically very happy, and let’s admit it, very attractive single mom with some free time off. I take care of myself, mentally, physically, have graduate degrees, am financially secure, beautiful home, etc. all the trappings anyone would want.

However, I’m still flummoxed at how insistent he was in not wanting to offer much in person (texting does not count) and insistent in getting his way of just coming over late at night, at his choice only, to have intimate relations and leave the next day. OMG.

We are not children, I look like I’m in my 30’s and he is a gorgeous 50.

Please advise.

Love to you,

Sincerely, Lauren

My Answer

Lauren, you sound wonderful, and your wonderfulness makes me even more amazed at how you’ve paid this man ANY attention at all!

He’s clearly either married or with another woman, or has a seriously involving “something” going on on the side, or has absolutely no idea about or desire to be in any kind of “relationship.”

Everything you say about the time you currently spend together is classic “booty call.”

His charming manner and seemingly polite and friendly conversation is just so he doesn’t feel like a heel to himself.

Now – I’m not saying that having a lover who’s “just a lover – nothing else” is a “bad thing.”

Where we get into trouble is in thinking there could EVER be “anything else.”

You seem to have a great head on your shoulders – AND – practicing with a man who’s a “trainwreck” is not helpful.

The very fact that you’d think of him as a trainwreck is all I need to know to tell you to stay away from him.

Because from that judgment of him, and the fact that you even spend time with him at all, there is no way your own self-esteem and good feelings won’t be affected.

Love, Rori

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30 Comments

  1.  #1Leela on December 12, 2016 at 10:12 am

    What to do when you don’t like the way a guy dresses but everything else is great? He keeps wearing these annoying tracksuit trousers and old shoes. I don’t expect him to wear suits, but I just loved when he used to wear jeans with a nice pair of shoes and a shirt or jumper. We’ve been dating for almost a year and he’s been dressing scruffy for months now. He said that’s who he is and what he most feels comfortable in. And that he would prefer me to dress scruffy too. But I don’t feel valued when he puts literally no effort in his appearance when he comes to see me. But then again he drives for more than an hour one way up to 3 times a week to see me. He is super supportive, great communicator, makes me laugh and overall our relationship is very loving and blissful. But this nagging voice in my head has started to nag about the way he dresses. I know we’re not supposed to change men and I don’t want to upset him or drive him away or make him feel uncomfortable. But what to do if it really starts bugging me?



  2.  #2Angela on December 12, 2016 at 1:40 pm

    Oh man I feel for this woman. I really do. Its so hard when we are so invested, idolizing, in love with a charming man.

    For me, never initiating is the right thing, it just is, i lose the attraction for a man who just shows up when he’s bored and wants me as his booty call. not that its wrong, but i would feel better if i decided who and when i sleep with the person not if he calls me late at nights and if I’m not home he gets upset. Thats whats happening with me.

    And then he goes away and i forget him, and i even feel sorry for him, like go get someone else leave me alone, who is the desperate now hahaha.
    Also what can help is having a belief the right man will show up, he just will, and you’ll see how the need for this man dies down.

    With the man who is making me his bootycall, well he doesnt know i am seeing other men.
    He calls me once a a week and sometimes i am available sometimes i am not.
    When i am not he acts like a spoiled baby.
    When i am with him, what is weird is that he talks about marriage- and i said to him are we getting married are you gonna buy me the ring.
    He said yes- but it cant be more than this much amount of money, thats what i can afford.
    and he said change your attitude, the way you talk to me is not nice, talk to me in a nice way the way you would talk to a friend you love and then things will change.
    and then boom he’s gone.
    and i am at a lost.
    do men mean what they say, do i have to change or is he stringing me along. to keep having sex with me?
    i get all in my head when he says there things to me.
    obviously i know theres another woman. i just do. and i think that he’s not sure about her either , because why would he keep sleeping with me. if she’s all that wouldn’t he stop seeing me?
    i look at myself as a goddess he just cant let go. is that the wrong way to look at it? idk it makes me feel powerful- well except when he disappears.
    i dont know what will happen- but i know one thing the r right man will show up hell have all that i need ill be attracted to him in love with him.
    hell be perfect.
    I’m holding on to that dream i am. i am.



  3.  #3Angel on December 14, 2016 at 7:35 am

    Oh boy do I know this feeling… Only, I let the guy move in. It’s been 9 months with this man and what a HUGE mistake. They do not change, period. You’ll turn into the “Main B” and he’ll find another booty call. Mine makes excuses to leave around 6 or 7 and comes home around 10 or 11, so he obviously found another booty call or two. Several nights he didn’t come home at all. He tells me he wants to marry me, tells me he loves me. Guess he’s hoping to keep me as his “Main B”, and has even said that to me jokingly…

    Practicing Leaning Back with this man results in him saying I’m not giving him enough attention, I don’t want to be with him, and I must have found someone else… He can text, call, and have a drink with any woman he wants but if a man messages me I’m automatically having sex with them. He has many female “cousins” and “friends” and even exes who text and call him daily.

    He told me yesterday that he flirts with women for a couple weeks and loses interest, and that he doesn’t want to have sex with them. I’ve tried to build a wall so that my feelings stay protected. Some days I could care less if he left, then others my heart aches. He’s attractive, but not particularly gorgeous. The sex is okay, but not anything to write home about. He works whenever he feels like it and that’s not often so he’s definitely a freeloader. He promises me money every single day but I never see it.

    I know he’ll eventually find another woman to mooch off of and leave. When I have kicked him out in the past (at LEAST a dozen times), he winds up sleeping in my driveway or at a park somewhere because he has no money. Like right now, all of his clothes are in his car and have been for 3 weeks… I’ll wash his dirty clothes and eventually he does something stupid so I bag them and sit them on the porch yet again.

    This man has so many issues. I believe he is a psychopath, with no empathy whatsoever. He does what he does and feels no remorse. To him, it’s justified, he does no wrong. I am an empath and he plays on that. Makes me feel so sorry for him and guilty for anything I do.

    He does good deeds and talks smooth like your guy as well. Cooks dinner sometimes, buys lunch when he has money, makes my lunch for work the next day if we cook, texts or calls to check on me during the day, makes sure I take my meds, etc. but that doesn’t make up for what he does. He does “just enough” to keep me hooked…



  4.  #4Indigo on December 14, 2016 at 9:17 am

    Lauren,

    Wow, Rori is so absolutely right about this man. My very first thought when I started reading your story was that this man has another woman, or multiple women, on the go. His behaviour is absolutely classic if that is his situation.

    I always say, if they’re not willing to set aside Saturday nights and important dates like Valentine’s Day and birthdays to be with you, they’re simply not in it for a real relationship. Very simple and straightforward. No confusion. Men can compartmentalise like this very easily. He probably doesn’t even think he’s being confusing.



  5.  #5Andrea on December 16, 2016 at 7:11 pm

    Oh wow! I feel lit up, seeming very attracted to someone at work, and having someone else at work very attracted to me. I’m feeling chasy and insecure and desperate in one direction, and feeling chased and awkward in the other direction. I don’t particularly like the energy coming at me from the man who is “chasing” me. He calls me sweetie, and beautiful with every contact. I am sweet and beautiful, but it feels disingenuous coming from him and also possessive. I have not established that I’m HIS sweetie.
    I wonder if the man I’m feeling chasy toward is picking up on my desperate and impatient energy where he is concerned. He’s in a supervisory position and while he does go out of his way to come and say hi and check up on me, and offers me encouragement to stick with my career plan etc… his contact with me has been nothing but extremely professional.

    I ask the universe, why can’t the man I like, like me back. hah! And I wonder if the man who likes me is asking the same thing.

    The man who likes me has brought me candy to my desk, has waited for me to take breaks and takes them at the same time, has now asked me out for New Year’s Eve date. I relish the attention, but I’m not attracted to him.

    He is trying in life I can tell but he’s older than me and doesn’t have a vehicle. That is a big turn off. I definitely want to be dated by a man who can DRIVE me, not the other way around. There are other reasons I’m not that interested in him.

    And I just imagine the man I’m interested thinking the exact same things about me.



  6.  #6Landie HO on December 19, 2016 at 3:20 am

    Oh… office romance! I feel wonderful when there’s positive masculine energy coming my way from men at work. Yet I keep a Professional distance for those I don’t feel attracted to…

    here’s a blog post from April 2011

    “Only Consider a Man Who’s Into You And Makes You Feel Secure –
    No Matter HOW Long You’ve Been Dating Him—
    If a guy really looks at you and walks up to you,
    do you want to run away?
    Do you think there’s something wrong with him?
    Do you immediately think that you’re not attracted to him?
    Bottom line – the only man you should even consider giving the “time of day”
    is a man that walks up to you
    and wants to love you.
    Everybody else is just out of consideration!
    And yet – we all instinctively look at men who come up to us
    and we just kind of dismiss them!
    I want you to make these men
    who are interested in YOU
    your only pool.
    I want you ALWAYS to feel secure
    about where you stand with a man.
    Men who are not available –
    men you have to chase –
    are simply NOT TO BE CONSIDERED.
    If you want to be loved,
    where a man is actually giving love to you
    and that you can feel comfortable and secure in
    for the rest of your life –
    then you have to be careful and very vigilant
    to only allow men near you at all who are loving you, even if they’re only doing it temporarily.
    Circular dating allows for these guys who are just good three month,
    four month guys where they can only love you
    for three or four months and then they run.
    It allows for that because you’re not hung up with them.
    It’s nice to have a guy all over you!
    And he’s in contention until he stops loving you.
    Pretty simple because the guy who’s there for the long term
    doesn’t stop loving you.
    Sometimes a man backs off because he feels disrespected
    or that he can’t make us happy
    or we’re doing something to push him away.
    So, that is the key there for you.
    You only look at the pool of men who are loving to you
    and then you start watching your behavior around them
    to see how you’re pushing them away.



  7.  #7Andrea on December 19, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    One thing I learned over the weekend is just because a man is interested in me, does not mean I “owe” him consideration. I had an ex-date pop up over the weekend, he texted and told me he was very interested in me and wanted to try and see where he and I could go.
    I searched my feelings and I realized that while he is physically attractive and I can see myself being physical with him, I didn’t feel curious about him, I didn’t wonder about his thoughts, or his plans for life, or his dreams or anything about him. Nice, sexy looking guy, but I just didn’t feel like I needed to go any further with him.

    It felt good to tell him that. Great guy… just not for me. Then I took it a step further and told the man at work who is pursuing me that while I’m flattered by the attention, I don’t see he and I going any further than a work-friendship.

    Two things happened: I feel more confident that the type of men that I really am attracted to will start to show up in my life because I no longer feel the need to grasp at anyone who gives me attention; I also feel strong, like I have the right to take care of myself and make decisions based upon my desires and what I want, instead of just accepting what tumbles along.

    Even though I’m single and spent the weekend date-less, I feel good about being picky and being choosey, and holding out for the type of men I really want to make contact with.



  8.  #8Epiphyllum on December 20, 2016 at 2:21 am

    Hi Andrea

    I feel empowered by your message. I feel your wonderful growing in your self esteem and confidence, and the vibes that you send out feel so powerfully attractive … surely the men around you would feel it. Yay you!

    I like what Rori wrote:

    What’s Important In Romantic Love…

    “The only thing that matters here is: Is this fellow meeting YOUR needs? Is he making YOU happy? Does he give you enough time, affection, attention and everything else you want? Is he kind and attentive to YOU?
    Pick them because they’re good company. Because you feel good about YOU when you’re with them.
    .If you’re a woman who needs “space” – then a man who needs a lot of space can work.
    And if you’re a woman who craves closeness, and “together” time – then choose only to be with men who want THAT with you.

    ***In my world, a relationship only works when the woman is on the receiving end of vast amounts of love, attention, affection, good sex, fun, time and “understanding” – and knows how to “open and receive” and “give back” in a way that always feels like a “response.”
    Give the “puppy dog” men a chance.
    Give the “awkward” men a chance.
    Give every man who wants you a chance.
    Give every man who pursues you a chance.
    Give every men who wants to make you happy a chance.

    Don’t choose someone based on desire. Choose someone who wants what I’ve listed above: To go deep, to know you and be known, to extend friendship to a different place (not better, just different).
    Someone who wants to invest in Trust. Someone trustworthy. Someone who has time, space, heart, energy, love for you. This is what you deserve in romantic love. Don’t settle for anything less.
    In Romance – Take love. Receive love. Experience love being given to you. That’s your job as a woman.”
    Love, Rori



  9.  #9Grace on December 23, 2016 at 7:19 am

    Leela – how do you feel about the tracksuit trousers? I would feel turned off and say so…not asking for change, not asking for anything, just saying – I feel so turned off when I see those trousers and this isn’t how I want to feel, I want to feel turned on and sexy and feel like I want to jump you every time I see you! I don’t want to change you, and I don’t want to feel turned off so what do you think? or how can we fix this?



  10.  #10Grace on December 23, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Leela – if he isn’t open to changing then you need to decide whether its a dealbreaker for you and make your peace with what you decide. Nobody is perfect and we all have our quirks, as far as I can tell even the happiest couples have certain things that drive each other crazy.



  11.  #11Millie on December 26, 2016 at 10:26 pm

    It’s been so long since I’ve checked in on the blog!

    Andrea! Nice to see a familiar name, how are you?!

    I’m having a very teary night. Tears pouring from my eyes once again. I think I have made such strides and progress in my dating life, when I think about how last year at this time I was so entwined with the pain of M’s leaving… since then I have healed from him, dated a whole bunch, got stronger in myself, clearer in what I want, and attracted this amazing guy who at first seemed like the perfect match. I met him in July and wasn’t attracted to him at first, but he proved to be everything I was looking for and treated me soooo well at first!!! Then around thanksgiving he revealed some intimate things about himself. Basically he was in a horrible accident several years ago, the anniversary of the accident is during the holidays, so every year around this time he feels the pain of no longer having physical control of his body. It is deteriorating for him more and more and he feels foreign in his own body, no longer able to do what he used to. He is in a place where he does not see a point in life. This was devastating for me to hear, because I could feel his pain and wanted to be there for him, but had to ask myself if this is the life I want? Is this someone who could create a fantastic life with me? I gave it time, but over the course of the holidays I saw sides of him that turned me off. He became passive aggressive, and when I leaned back he got upset that I wasn’t calling/texting/planning dates with him. I felt so confused as he had not asked me for a commitment. I was still circular dating (not dating anyone else though, but having an active social calendar) and he got upset that I was busy, even though he was not asking me out for dates. I felt myself becoming more irritated with his attitude towards life. His comments of “Oh well” and “that’s life” and “I can’t afford it” left me feeling turned off at his sense of powerlessness. I feel empathy towards him, I really do, but I did not want to turn into mothering. I’m still a woman who wants to be cherished by her man. Throughout the holidays it became clear that we are not an energetic match. I felt jovial and wanted to rejoice with family, friends, and go on trips. He chose to be miserable and bitter, angry at everyone, suspicious of me, doubting my words, feeling as though no one wanted him around, even his own family. Apparently his own family saw him as a disgrace…at least that is what he said. When he didn’t make any efforts to join in my families holiday festivities, or invite me to his, did not plan anything special for new years, or get me a gift (or even a loving gesture) I realized that I am accepting crumbs. He told me last week that the reason he has not asked me to be his girlfriend is that he feels it is unfair to ask me before he has truly sought help with his depression and his not fit to be in a relationship. I whole heartedly agreed with him and after some thought let him know that I didn’t think we were compatible or wanted the same things. I do not want to continue dating in a casual manner, I need to keep my options open and if his mental state improves then perhaps we can revisit the subject of moving forward. I feel proud of myself for how I handled everything. Leaps and bounds better than I have in the past. I do feel sad because in many ways he was wonderful. There was potential there… and moments where I thought, this could be THE guy, but then things took such a turn… I could not stay “in it.”

    And so I find myself here again, mourning a necessary loss… A lesson man. Who showed me in his mighty mirror what a turn off negativity, “woe is me” mindsets, powerlessness, and victim mentality can be… I have a bit of that in me myself and it does get in the way of enjoying things. Mindsets can set us free or imprison us. I saw in him an extreme of me. He even said a line I used to use a child when I threw tantrums. “Sorry i can’t do anything right.” I used to say that when my mother scolded me to turn the table and get her to feel sorry for me and start telling me all the positive things about me in return. She fell for it a few times and then caught on. When he said that to me, I felt so turned off. There were so many moments I praised him in his masculinity, felt cherished, complemented him, appreciated him…. I do know how to treat a man and respect him. But I started to stop respecting him. I couldn’t help it. His mindset and behavior… was justified considering what he’s been through but at the same time it felt childish.

    I don’t mean to speak ill of him or sound judgmental. In so many ways he gave me great happiness, but he let me go so easily… which stung, but at the same time assured me I made the right choice to leave. Regardless letting go feels like a withdrawal even if he is the wrong man for me.



  12.  #12Mandy on January 6, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    Where is the latest post? Need some help navigating, as I have been out of the loop.

    I do have some interesting things to share and have missed Rori and Dominique and everyone a lot.



  13.  #13Epiphyllum on January 7, 2017 at 1:50 am

    Welcome back Mandy.
    The Blog has been dead quiet….not that many post lately, nothing like the old days!!
    Feel excited to hear that you’ve got interesting stuffs to share.
    Look forward to your sharing 🙂



  14.  #14Epiphyllum on January 7, 2017 at 1:58 am

    Oh I miss Dominique too.
    The Queen of feeling messages…inspiring and enlightening. Have definitely learnt heaps from her in the past. Sadly, not seeing her posts anymore 🙁



  15.  #15Mandy on January 7, 2017 at 1:29 pm

    Well heck, let’s get this going here Sirens!

    So….I cut out ALL the BS in my life that was weighing me down, making me anxious, etc…meaning people, situations, even substances like coffee…and I make an executive decision for my body…my IUD is giving me infections constantly (because of irritation of tissue, which helps birth control) so I decided it is time I get tubal ligation. I feel GREAT about it.

    I was so so so SO scared last year when the election happened (I won’t get into it, political discussions are for another blog) I just wanted to share that I was absolutely….I cannot find the words enough for how mortified I was when it happened, and so many traumatizing things happened to me last year (being stalked, watching a house where a man who stabbed his girlfriend in the leg was hanging around, feeling over-exposed and exploited) it was the last straw, and I went through disassociation (where your brain goes through so much anxiety it basically shuts down a part of itself and you feel detached, like you’re watching yourself in a dream-like state.

    Now my point is this. I made it through all of that. I am still here. I am still Mandy and I am super awesomely glad this year is new and the slate is clean even if only psychologically.

    On the circular dating front…Sami will love to know I moved on from that one guy who I was stuck on when I had a session with her. And I went with a piece of advice from Rori when she said if you usually wouldn’t go for a guy because of something like looks, overlook it…well, I went on dates starting last year in Feb with mister Tall Dark N’ Handsome, and we’re still seeing each other and I have grown to crush on him. 🙂 It’s going pretty well I even told him I don’t want a boyfriend when he asked. 🙂 How’s that for Sireny 🙂 I also started to carry ten dollars with me at ALL times to be able to call a cab and leave any situation I am not comfy in and it began a new chapter for my ex (now best friend) and I. when we start to squabble we separate and come back together and apologize. We never did that before.

    Only issue I deal with now is just my Thyroid hormone replacement being the right level and J being the jealous ex, which makes me laugh even though it drives me nuts sometimes. He hates my circular dating with a passion Lol.

    Tell me what else is going on? Miss y’all!

    Mandy



  16.  #16petitefeminine on January 7, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    Currently ended it with my almost 3mo man. I’m actually had been feeling very hurt and out of balance ( not the usual) I handle break ups well. I’m clear when I do it.

    This time I engaged when he tried to pull me into an argument. So, I broke my own rules. The anxiety was keeping me up at night for 2 weeks with barely any sleep. My mind couldn’t get off the discussion in my head going on about trusting him, his actions not matching his words, and the recent events from him.

    I know from the Queens code that when our minds and life are taken over by the person and what to do, to stay to not, etc. etc. So, I knew it was a sign for me personally, I needed to leave, b/c all my tools were not working. Using my feeling messages to him, ( he was pretty in tune with me and my feelings) when he ask I told him, yet he continued on, as if, no worse than before using my feeling messages.

    I did some inner work on my old beliefs, gave myself ( snowed in by myself) all day, to settle in to be alone again, and loving on myself, breathing, and bringing peace back into my mind…. it feels good so I’m balanced again.

    Personally, I noticed I need to just trust my gut 100% …. and stop giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, b/c everytime I do it, I regret it. If I’d left him when i found his profile back on match.com ( b/c that is a dealbreaker to . me) even though I gave him the opportunity to explain and yes, I used my feeling messages, didn’t confront or argue. I was fine for him to want to not be exclusive anymore, as long as I know about it… Frankly I was ok with it. I wasn’t completely sure about being exclusive when he ask me.

    So, knowing what I know, working this as long as I have. I trust myself to know when things don’t feel right, and I don’t mean emotions that could stem from negative patterns or that sabotaging voice. I mean my intuition/ gut….

    I ask experts instead and stayed longer……. now I regret it.

    When he scooted by telling me ” he helped someone move” ( he has a busted knee and can barely walk) and I was curious about and concerned about – used my feeling messages. I feel bad… etc… he told me ” she is one of my internet girls” . present tense. Oh … and I was listening the entire time with no agenda or anger, no story….

    He said … he feels like I was saying he did something bad, no I didn’t say anything that could be considered that… I actually said my feeling messages and that was it. He ask me why I felt bad, I told him what I could etc. – He acted like I had blown up and was yelling at him… said I was reacting very harshly. Ok so I know that was projection b/c feeling messages etc. when used with no agenda, isn’t anything of a blow up at all. I wasn’t even mad inside.

    I knew in my gut he was lying! I knew it! Again, listened to experts… and then after 2 days of battling with what they said, and my own intuition I made the decision to end it.

    And yes, I engaged in the conversation after I said I felt it wasn’t working for me.

    The jest of it is, I have to just jump in and trust my gut… it doesn’t fail me… it’s always looking out for me. The experts, well seemed they were looking out for him.

    I may have some work to do on myself, but I’ve done tons…. so at some point where I am, and as loving, receiving and siren-y as I am, it needs to be enough – for the right man. I’m tired of feeling like I need to do this all perfectly all the time in order to have Mr. Lifetime.

    When I speak to men about this situation… they just node and say oh man, that is no not right to go help a woman you met online dating and rescue her b/c she calls you to help her move. Especially without telling his woman first.

    My guy friends, are stand up kind of guys who treat women with respect. Not the I’ll go rescue any woman that calls me and is desperate.

    So, I’m proud that I didn’t stay with him, and I could have been talked into it, if I’d allowed the doubting me voice to take over…. Looking back, I would have left awhile back.

    Pampering me…. Good news is in less than 24 hrs. I have a guy that lives several states away, already eager to drive to meet me…. we talked on the phone last night…. I’ve had an old BF show back up… and lots of hits on my 3 profiles I have up…. Next!!!

    I love being feminine… I really just do! It’s amazing!



  17.  #17Epiphyllum on January 7, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    Feel happy for you Mandy for getting to a better place in life…

    Like what you wrote here:

    “And I went with a piece of advice from Rori when she said if you usually wouldn’t go for a guy because of something like looks, overlook it…well, I went on dates starting last year in Feb with mister Tall Dark N’ Handsome, and we’re still seeing each other and I have grown to crush on him. It’s going pretty well I even told him I don’t want a boyfriend when he asked. How’s that for Sireny ”

    I can so relate to your experience,,, Very Sireny indeed! LOL



  18.  #18Mandy on January 8, 2017 at 12:37 pm

    Epiphyllum –

    Yes I feel a bit anxious I went in a dark direction there telling about my experience last year I was feeling afraid it might scare someone but everything’s fine, I am safe, my parents are literally a minute up the road from me. I don’t want anyone to feel frightened. There’s the worrier in me showing up 🙂

    Just called an ex of mine for the first time in ten years, he said he missed our connection. See I totally smothered him and it scared the daylights out of the guy, I was just…I just came on SO strong when I was in my twenties.

    So now seeing, the more “gentle” approach, or no approach at all other than just my natural state of being a sensitive extrovert/social butterfly/cheerleader sort of person, well it’s funny you see I have been off the board because I needed to explore that part of me and not have ANYONE tell me it was “wrong” to be me. (Starting conversations, having excited talks, laughing loudly, having a theatrical voice, cracking jokes…)

    I noticed I have a rough time holding back my natural self. It feels fake as hell and I start to get ANGRY with myself! I think Agh, God, I have to do everything myself, no one likes the outspoken strong one, huh….grump grump grump…

    But I forgot that the entire reason why i choose not to put all my energy out there, is to save my reserves up for myself, I always forget to do that. Sensitive extroverts are just naturally interested in others ALL the time. Always checking on family and friends, working the room. Naturally curious, asking questions, bubbly and energetic.

    Well I can tell you it has been seriously confusing and almost an identity crisis for a moment in time, but…it’s a growing pain.

    Rori’s mentioned in the past that the women who have the most masculine habits get the most instant and big results from leaning back. As one of the women who have a serious quirk with masculinity I can say that it is pretty true. It’s more noticeable when you have a genuinely masculine and outgoing personality when all of a sudden silence is golden…all of a sudden everyone’s listening really close to see what you have to say. In a way it’s a defense mechanism, being extroverted, putting yourself out there first so that no one else will do it for you and catch you off-guard. I am massively afraid of intimacy at this point. I don’t want to fall for another toxic guy. It sucks. That is why I told mister TallN’Dark that I have to sort out my stuff right now, I have to work on me, I don’t want a boyfriend. He actually instructed me to text him more. That was seriously confusing. I was like er, ok…text…

    I guess he likes the attention. He hates compliments though. You see this stuff is very confusing!!!!

    Huh…..so….can you learn from a toxic man? Sure! LOL. Lots of things you don’t need to learn!
    It’s like opening Pandora’s box it is too much information and is so much best left untouched. I always had this affinity for a bad boy with long hair who smoked cigarettes when I was a kid because I was all oppositional-defiant, thinking i needed a partner in defiance…when really what it was was an issue I had with myself.

    Lots of untangling a knot. Very hard work, I have medicine and a psychiatrist at work on me very hard and have since I was 22. Whenever I feel weird I tell him and he straightens me out as I have different mental abilities than others which make me worry an excessive amount, othertthink, obsess, mull, introvert, ruminate, chew and puzzle until my puzzler is sore. I didn’t know it but my brain just overdoes it in the area of the “flight or fight” response. I freeze up…but Love Scripts has helped and Modern Siren have been absolutely every bit as helpful as a one-on-one therapist (which I’ve had since I was 16).

    I had to come back and hear myself say all this. Sometimes you can learn a lot from just listening to yourself speak to others.

    I have to hear myself say I forget and go back to my old habits, old words, old thoughts sometimes and I don’t realize it, it’s subtle changes as each day passes and all of a sudden you’re in a train of thought or a pattern.

    So….question Sirens? Is this actually seen as attractive to this man I’ve decided to let closer? I mean he actually straight up asked mne if I had a boyfriend yet and I said I wasn’t looking for one. But…he knows I really like him because I tell him how much I like it when he touches me, or how much I like our conversations, or I’ll turn into a kid and just blurt out “I like you”.
    See we both have reservations, he doesn’t think he can only date one woman and for some damn reason, I’m okay with that right now it’s like the one thing that is keeping us from like, being freakin married or something.

    Okay I have to say this out loud folks…Marriage scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to become some guy’s “old lady” or “ball and chain”. I want to be what my mom is to my dad, a Queen, a Goddess, a Valkryie. No man in my group of friends (of which I have a lot, I just like to talk to men they have interesting brains and personalities) ever speaks highly of marriage. Every ex I’ve had has said he doesn’t want to get married because he doesn’t believe int he Institution of Marriage. There’s the bad-boy, toxic weird type thing again. A person who speaks ill of marriage should be a red flag to me but it’s been a beacon.

    So…..I don’t want children and honestly I think marriage is meant to have that 18 year gestation period for the child of a couple to grow up safe in, and I’m not going to do any child-rearing, so I go…”Well, logically, Mandy, what does it all mean…” Lol. I don’t ask myself how I feel. I ask myself what I think. Hahaha.

    SO what do I FEEL about Marriage? Big. Big gigantic huge. I have a twin brother and we are pair-bonded, meaning we can’t be without each other for long, it drives us batty….I see marriage as a union between two people that is unparalleled except for maybe by a twin sibling. Basically like the person to be put in place of my twin. THAT CLOSE.

    So….I cannot have that person who is that close hurting me. Get what I mean?

    So there’s the fear. Don’t hurt me, I am sensitive, I am genuine, I mean well, I come in peace is what I am trying to say to this man.

    If I try too hard to communicate that will be dramatic though. So I riff riff riff riff and write.

    Okay wow that was a lot. Whew! I hope this is a good addition to the page I have MISSED IT here, I have missed everyone and I’m sure the new members have genuine gems of knowledge to share, and I am excited to hear all kinds of perspectives, stories, situations, dialogues.

    Hehe okay I have to admit it. I have a little tiny fantasy of being a coach. There I said it. 🙂 Lol! But i need the self-confidence and relationship to prove it first, so….first thing’s first….Moi 🙂



  19.  #19Mandy on January 8, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    PS – Also, Sirens, you are appreciated, please know that. I feel my heart opening up big and wide just talking, and I haven’t for some time…



  20.  #20Femininewoman on January 14, 2017 at 4:11 am

    Wow Rori is this blog no longer part of the Rori world?



  21.  #21April Rose on January 19, 2017 at 2:35 pm

    Oh Rori, what has happened to your blog?
    It used to be so lively with discussion.
    I’m feeling really puzzled.
    Plus, I don’t know if it is my computer playing evil, or whether there really has been no new blog post from you since early December.



  22.  #22April Rose on January 19, 2017 at 2:40 pm

    Ah, I see what is happening. For some reason, old blog posts are loading when I access your web page. This could be happening for a lot of us, hence the lack of comments…?



  23.  #23Mandy on January 22, 2017 at 7:45 pm

    April Rose – same here, I wonder if it is a glitch of some type?



  24.  #24April Rose on January 23, 2017 at 2:39 am

    Yes Mandy. I think there is an issue. When I access Rori’s blog, only the stuff from December comes up…
    I alerted Rori by putting a comment into moderation. But it is still there in moderation?…



  25.  #25April Rose on January 23, 2017 at 2:40 am

    Please please Rori put the blog back the way it was. It is impossible to navigate at the moment.



  26.  #26April Rose on January 23, 2017 at 2:41 am

    Please please Rori put the blog back the way it was. It is impossible to navigate at the moment.
    plum



  27.  #27Rori Raye on January 23, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    Hi! So sorry, things have been acting up – I’ve been out with hip surgery (which I’ll write about in terms of how my husband has behaved magnificently as son as I feel able to think clearly! You are awesome, and so glad you feel good about your intution – learning to trust that on a moment-by-moment basis is how life gets to an incredibly rich level – just amazing how it feels when you’re living like that!



  28.  #28Rori Raye on January 23, 2017 at 8:54 pm

    Angel, Hi, and it’s this “building a wall” that’s making things harder for you. In my world, we women can only “feel right” when we’re coming from our open, wide open, vulnerable feminine, organic, original selves….From there, you’ll be able to feel how close you want to be to this or any man. Love, Rofri



  29.  #29Femininewoman on January 25, 2017 at 2:49 am

    Oh my so happy to see you Rori. Hope you are healing well from the surgery. I know first hand the effects of it. Looking forward to your update.