Can You Scare A Man Off With Your Anger?

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anger Can you scare a good man off with your anger? Here’s the beginning of my never-ending answer:

If you’re expressing your anger, and NOT making him wrong or responsible for it, and NOT punishing yourself for it – you cannot scare any kind of man you’d want to be with.

You can only make him love you more.

And – if you’re treating yourself horribly around your anger at yourself, or if you’re attacking HIM with your anger – you may make him want to shut down and get away.

Depending on his background:

If he’s conflict-avoidant because his parents scared and upset him with constant fighting when he was small and he regularly ran away and hid – he’ll close up and want to run from conflict.

If his family was all about fighting and verbal attacking was part of the environment and he was included in the free-for-all – then he’ll get angry and punch back verbally (or physically) – and think that’s normal.

If he was the peacemaker in an angry family – he’ll try to explain what happened and calm you down and keep the peace.

If he’s an extraordinarily conscious man, he’ll quickly recognize that this isn’t personal, that you’re having issues inside yourself and throwing them at him – and he’ll clearly say to you that he hears your anger and understands it, but that he won’t tolerate being attacked or talked to that way – and to “Please observe the rules of non-violent communication by using the “I” formation.”

That said – you’ve GOT to get your anger up and out to the surface!

You’ve got to hear it inside you, you’ve got to acknowledge it, got to love and embrace it – and you have to learn how to SPEAK it!

And you have to learn how to do all this when it’s happening – or as soon as you can “catch” that it’s happening.

This is the work.

There are many ways to work through anger – Byron Katie’s “The Work” is one way – asking yourself if what you’re thinking that’s causing your anger is “true” – and my favorite part of her work – “Who would I be without that thought?” or my version I say to myself – “Who would I be if I wasn’t thinking that thought?”

Another way is to simply embrace whatever it is you’re feeling, encourage it to speak to you, encourage it to feel heard by hearing it, and then simply saying out loud what the voice is saying to you – as the “you” that’s consciously aware of the voice of anger and how it’s talking to you.

“I’m feeling angry at myself. I’m feeling angry at you. It feels like a lump in my heart and hurts right here…”

Essentially – It’s Not So Important What’s Going On That’s Made You Feel Angry, That’s Triggered You To Anger

That’s most often just stuff to be worked out, negotiated – logistics.

The most important thing to blossom a relationship into real, deep intimacy, is to be able to speak about your feelings to a man.

The honesty and openness and terrifying baring of your feelings – even your soul sometimes – is a great act of trust.

Trust of yourself – and trust of him, too. Trust of the “law” of how things are – that speaking the truth is the great healer.

I received a letter from a client who suddenly realized how angry she was.

Rage-filled, actually, and how she found herself banging pots and stomping around and berating herself and her man while she stood alone in the kitchen.

And how quiet and scary he got saying to her that he’d heard her banging around and being so angry.

She spoke to him truly, honestly, and quite brilliantly – which was a huge breakthrough for her.

I wrote her:

Pamela – I think you’re brilliant – I know it must not feel good – but everything that happened and everything you said was as great and therapeutic and appropriate as I could have coached you to do and say.

I’m thrilled to see you letting some of this huge anger out to the surface, and then be able to talk about it the way you did.

I don’t think you can scare a man off like this…you did NOTHING to attack him – you did some therapeutic noise-making, and you can frame it like that – that you’re taking acting classes soon and are working on getting out old bottled up stuff so you don’t accidentally ever take it out on anyone else, especially him.

Anger is so often about grief and the frustration of it — this is a process for you – and for him, too.

if you can work with your fear about letting all of this come out, and relax and frame it hopefully and as a great step forward, and talk about it like that – I think it can only enhance your relationship.

If a man could be scared off that easily – your life with him would be sheer misery.

Promise him you’ll always tell him the truth so he’ll never have to worry about guessing wrong…

Next time you feel that mad at yourself – go as quickly as you can to FORGIVING yourself, embracing, all that – it will help.

Our emotions and experiences need to take a back seat to our innate, natural larger view of existence. And yet – we can’t get to this big, “spiritual” place where we feel connected to everyone and everything that exists anywhere until we’ve first discovered and made grand peace with our emotions.

Love is where it’s at – and it starts within us.

Loving yourself no matter what is a bigger idea than it sounds. Letting the icky stuff be heard and seen is what we’ve spent our lives and energy PREVENTING happening – and now I’m asking you to LET it happen!

Step-by-step, we become who we really are – and the thing is – each step of the way, we have NO idea what the next step will look like!

It’s easy to get so scared of the unknown next step that we hold ourselves in harness – and then get angry about the ropes and straps tying us down.

Love, Rori

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798 Comments

  1.  #1Dominique on February 12, 2012 at 6:46 am

    Happy Sunday Everyone. Sending much love to all.

    xxoo



  2.  #2Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:05 am

    HI!



  3.  #3Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!!



  4.  #4Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  5.  #5siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:10 am

    i have scared a couple of guys off because i stuffed my anger down into a little ball and it came flying out at them when they weren’t expecting it.

    my anger is scary to me. i want to love it.



  6.  #6Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  7.  #7Luzydel on February 12, 2012 at 7:16 am

    I am not the angry type; though do feel anger I usually do not explode…I just hurt myself with destructive thoughts though. Now I just say, I feel angry, I am so angry and I do not want this anymore, etc. and I see the shift inside me, I do not hurt myself inside once I express that I am angry. When I do not express my anger, I torture myself, and start wondering why I did not say anything, it is awful. I can be my worst enemy when it comes to my emotions.



  8.  #8siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:18 am

    i bought myself a whole bunch of expensive handmade chocolate yesterday for valentine’s day. my inner boy is so romantic!



  9.  #9Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Good morning Sirens Island!

    Yes, I have to work on my anger and how I express it. I know I know…



  10.  #10Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:20 am

    What a timely post! I feel so angry…! At myself, at the situation. I know he is stepping up, but why didn’t he call? I have expressed my need to feel connected.



  11.  #11Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Siren song, I sent you an email with my FB identity.



  12.  #12Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Thing is, I can get pretty angry sometimes. I doesn’t seem to scare M off though… on the contrary.



  13.  #13Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Maybe I should express my anger at not getting a call when he said he would call.



  14.  #14Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 7:23 am

    Siren song that’s so cute 🙂

    I wanted to buy myself some flowers for Valentine’s day but I don’t have my pay before the next day 🙁

    I’ll go get a new hair cut next weekend instead 🙂



  15.  #15Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Yes Lolita, I think you should!!



  16.  #16Luzydel on February 12, 2012 at 7:34 am

    It is not my fault; that “S” tried to take advantage of me; I was hopeful and thought things would have worked out, I tired for something, and it did not happen, so it is not my fault. Some times I will not get what I think is good for me, because in reality it isn’t.

    It is not my fault that I sort of obsessed with the idea of “S”, I am an optimistic and I want to try things from different angles before I drop them totally.

    I cannot torture myself and blame me and think, if I did this etc. If he was the right man, he would have stay and step up, even when I screwed up. Another step for the right man to be with me…



  17.  #17Turquoise on February 12, 2012 at 7:34 am

    I posted this on the last thread.

    Oh I feel awful. Work up with the stomach flu. Hopefully it’s just a 24 hour thing…. my daugther was keeping down fluids last night.

    I knew something else was wrong before I even got out of bed… 58 degrees in the house. The furnace was also out because I hadn’t changed the filter since I moved in. I got it to kick back on, but ladies… please check your filters. It’s such an easy thing to overlook, but can be an expensive visit to have the repairman come out. I’ve had this happen at my other house, so I knew what to do.

    If your furnace has a light switch on the side, after you remove the filter, just flip the switch and it should run, without the filter. I had to do it 3 times for it to actually catch though and start sending out heat. You can run it without a filter short term, but wouldn’t want to do that for long. I just didn’t know what size filter I needed, but kept thinking about it when I was at the store.

    Sunday, 12 February 2012 @ 6:41am

    I feel HORRIBLE. I’ll be on the couch and in the bathroom all day. No movie day with my family. 🙁



  18.  #18siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:36 am

    lolita,

    added you! we have the same first name…



  19.  #19Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Disappointment this morning: still no call from ATW… well… he must have had a busy weekend and no time to think of me 🙁

    It’s ok. I’m feeling excited about this day. I’m gonna get up from my bed, have a healthy breakfast, go run a 7K, come back and do a deep cleaning of the apartment while dancing on some of my favorite music, and tonight I’ll have my home spa treatment with all the products I bought yesterday!! Yay!!



  20.  #20Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Rori,

    That is THE single best article I ever read on processing anger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You are absolutely, incomparably brilliant!

    Love, Brenda



  21.  #21Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:43 am

    (((Turquoise))),

    RE: #17 – Sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. No fun waking up to a cold house.

    I feel happy for you tho about all the other wonderful things that are coming together for you!

    Love, Brenda



  22.  #22Sassy on February 12, 2012 at 7:44 am

    First-good morning to all beautiful sirens and especially a big “HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII”!!!! To Brenda!!! Lol you must be feeling quite happy this morning?!?!?!
    I am feeling extremely agitated and angry this morning! At everything and everyone, but probably mostly at myself! I want to scream and stomp my feet and throw a royal temper tantrum. But I won’t, I am the queen of stuffing anger and emotions.
    Arghhhhhhhhhh
    Much love



  23.  #23Sassy on February 12, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Turquoise,
    Soooo sorry you’re not feeling well AND to wake up to the cold! Ugh. Hopefully your girls can help you out today?
    Rest and fluids, if you can keep it down.
    Much love



  24.  #24Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:48 am

    One thing that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in dealing with anger is to face my anger here on the blog, when I feel angry about various things that are posted.

    It has helped to see it in black and white; to slow down my processing long enough to have to think before I write, rather than verbally just lashing out (I know, I don’t always catch myself on time!). I have faced my triggers again and again, and I’m finally getting to the point where most of the time I can catch myself before I blurt out in angry attack.

    Not saying I’m perfect, but it helps a lot.



  25.  #25Luzydel on February 12, 2012 at 7:48 am

    # dating websites and getting emails like crazy…I need the intellectual connection, so emails who just say “hi Sexy” are out… 🙂



  26.  #26Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Sassy, What is wrong? Why are you feeling this way?



  27.  #27Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Sassy,

    RE: #22 – Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! LOL! Yes, I am quite happy! My time with Ryan was very, very enjoyable!

    This blog is the perfect place to vent your anger! You don’t need to stuff it anymore! Let loose and get sassy! 😆



  28.  #28Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Luzydel,

    RE: #25 – I feel disgusted at the amount of men who send really stupid responses like, “Hey sexy”. Do they realize how weak that is??? Do they realize any imbecile can say “hey sexy” and it is not a turn-on? I mean, come on, men, at least try!



  29.  #29Esteemed on February 12, 2012 at 8:11 am

    I had a very fun time “CD’ing” with my pastor last night! LOL! In a very fun way! And I mean this in all purity. His teenage daughter is in a band, and they had a pizza party to have an audience for their live recording, in order to make a demo.

    I went to support her, and the “audience” was asked to stand among the band and dance and cheer! I ended up beside the drummer, and next to my pastor! And the man whose house I stayed at last summer, D, was on my other side! It was a rip-raging hilarious situation to be in – hamming it up with my pastor and another community leader (D) in a recorded music video, LOL!

    I really had a blast, up until the point when I made my well-known social faux pas, which I am prone to make! And you know I don’t just do it a little bit. I really, majorly stick my foot in my mouth!

    I told him that he and another local pastor are my all-time favorite preachers. He asked me general questions about the other pastor, and I raved about what a wonderful person he is.

    Then I embarrassed myself royally! You know me and my explaining! I explained why I left the other pastor’s church, when I liked it so much…I confided that there was an attraction developing between us, and he was a married man, so I split.

    Then I felt slammed with embarrassment and mortification!

    I came back about 5 minutes later (we were talking off and on between video takes) and attempted damage control. I said, “I feel really embarrassed about what I told you.”

    He said, “About what?”

    I said, “You are too disarming for your own good.”

    He walked away. I have been trying (rather unsuccessfully) to fight the urge to beat myself up over this one! Here is is a sordid little moment in my past – I left the other church about 6 years ago. I had left that in the past, and here I, of all people, brought it up! Aaaaah! I guess there is nothing further I can do for damage control? Just suck it up and keep my distance from my pastor for a while, huh?

    I radically, unconditionally love myself anyway! And, other than that, it was a really fun event!



  30.  #30Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Um, Esteemed?

    You forgot to change your photo when you went for incognito! LOL! :lol;



  31.  #31Esteemed on February 12, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Curses! Foiled again! 😆

    I unconditionally, radically, stubbornly love myself anyway!



  32.  #32Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:14 am

    Esteemed,

    Well, it ain’t the first mistake you ever made, and it won’t be your last! 😆



  33.  #33Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Esteemed,

    Well, it ain’t the first mistake you ever made, and it won’t be your last! 😆

    I radically, stubbornly, unconditionally love you, too!

    Hugs, Brenda



  34.  #34Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    RE: #1046 from https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/love-advice-what-if-there-were-no-villians-not-even-him-when-he-hurts-you/comment-page-23/#comment-186998

    BW: “513 Brenda – It’s cool huh, having friends all over the world?? I love it!”

    B: Yes, it’s cool and I love it, too! Specially you! 🙂

    BW: “And I do feel more loved over the last few days than before, although I know there’s a little bit of doubt hanging over me.

    I’m just trying to stay focused on myself and what I want.”

    B: Yay you!

    BW: “I’m about to start writing a heap of personal development articles for a client – she’s sent me all of the research material. So fancy that – I get paid to learn!! 🙂 This will do me good too and keep my in a positive mindset, which is really what I need.”

    B: How cool! I feel very happy for you!



  35.  #35Sassy on February 12, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Brenda and Lolita,
    Thank you for asking/allowing me to express my anger. Just not something I’m used to doing.
    I think more than anything I feel ignored by the important people in my life right now. And I know it’s not deliberate. Everyone is busy busy busy. I feel tears coming on and self-pity. Have to stop that right now!!!
    It’s all good, I’ll be fine.
    Brenda, don’t beat yourself up, I always say inappropriate stuff (and I’m alot older than you). But I find we always put more emphasis on it than the other person does. Forgive yourself.
    Much love.



  36.  #36Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Sassy,

    RE: #35 – Thank you! Why do you have to stop the tears and self-pity? Is it all right to sink into them, feel them, experience them, talk about them, and love them?



  37.  #37Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Ok I feel soooooooooo motivated it’s not even funny!! Lol

    I want to do everything today!! Wouhou!!!! 😀



  38.  #38Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Woaaaaah!! -25 degrees celcius (-13 fahrenheit) outside!!! Lol I think I just dropped my motivation in the snow about the jogging… hehe

    Whatever, I’m going anyway!!



  39.  #39Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Here is a question that the circus monkeys are nibbling at my mind…

    Ryan brings up our friendship now and then, and every time he does, he does it by text, phone, or at best, while I am driving or in the dark. I can tell he intentionally doesn’t want to talk about something so vital when we are face to face. My theory, as most of you disagree on, is that he doesn’t want me to see his real emotions (full of love for me) when we discuss it.

    How can I affect that scenario so that the only time we discuss our friendship is when we are face to face with no distractions (ie, driving)?



  40.  #40Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Brenda, why 2 names ? What’s with Esteemed?



  41.  #41Rose on February 12, 2012 at 8:59 am

    “Love is within us..and that where it starts”…I felt like a weight lifted off my heart reading about anger..



  42.  #42Rose on February 12, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Happy Sunday Dominique 😀



  43.  #43Jenny on February 12, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Just a head up. Me and Butterfly wings was talking on fb, and I got the ide of starting a Fb group for us. It is closed, so just in the group can see what is posted.

    http://www.facebook.com/groups/171556792955591/
    ask to join and someone will accept as soon as we can 🙂

    Love Ladies 🙂



  44.  #44Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

    I am practicing sexy-sireny feeling messages on my Facebook status. It feels SCARY!!!!

    Will try to do that more often and see how people react to it. Wish I could do it in French to practice more, but it feels even more scary! lol



  45.  #45Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Lolita,

    Nevermind…I was trying to post that about my pastor incognito, using “Esteemed”. But my real photo is still attached, so oh well.



  46.  #46Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Jenny,

    RE: #43 – What a great idea! We should have thot of that a long time ago!



  47.  #47Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Esteemed & Brenda = same girl ?!?!



  48.  #48lk on February 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

    wow, rori. now i’m imagining myself finding a really beautiful way to express that first moment of anger & which will set me up for a ritual of going into myself & sharing peacefully. i feel really hopeful & inspired…



  49.  #49lk on February 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

    a big harumph ! sounds satisfying : )



  50.  #50Silver-Tongued Siren on February 12, 2012 at 9:47 am

    well BF apologized this morning…he didn’t tell me why he was mad, or anything… just “i’m sorry for being a jerk last night..” more later, he is still here….



  51.  #51Silver-Tongued Siren on February 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

    thanks for the message peaches!! <3<3<3



  52.  #52lk on February 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

    then i want to crunch up my face & arms & hug myself – with my fists behind my breasts – & give myself a moment alone – align my spine, get my bum tight & centered, secure my legs & feet & let my arms & hands dance, balance with my heartbeat, send my ribbon into heaven’s breath…. give myself space & then ask myself, what will make me feel good ? a bite of honey ? washing my hands ? a hug ? do it & then repeat the ritual until i’m open ocean again : ) yum



  53.  #53Aurora Girl on February 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Megan (from last post)

    Thanks for answering the question about what you wished for your guy to say……

    I just wanted to say…..sometimes when we script it (what we want someone else to tell us) in our own minds it can be a reflection of what it is we really want to say to ourselves…..what we really need to say to our own selves……

    then being able to say it to ourselves can be a loving gesture to our selves…and everyone else is off the hook really…..it can feel very empowering when we practice this……..

    and

    for some reason I cannot explain
    (maybe the law of attraction….maybe just the way vibes work….)

    the people around us start saying it to us…..it just naturally seems to flow from them……once we offer it to ourselves…

    lol try it for a week….watch what happens…..

    much love
    Aurora….
    xo



  54.  #54Aurora Girl on February 12, 2012 at 10:07 am

    lizka

    go girl….I hope you have a blast at those races in the spring…I am a runner too……certain music + a certain route + a great run……absolutely nothing like it……

    I posted the link to flo rida’s new video the other day….I know liz enjoyed it…..re posting it for the feel good vibes…I absolutely love it….it’s on my running playlist….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OnnDqH6Wj8

    xo
    Aurora



  55.  #55Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Lizka,

    RE: #47 – Well, now if I told ya that, I’d hafta … ____ (you know).



  56.  #56Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Another social faux pas was at karaoke with Ryan, trying to sing “A Boy Named Sue” as “A Girl Named Hugh”. It went over like a lead balloon. It didn’t hit me until part way thru the song that it sounded horribly in masculine energy. Yikes! One of millions of embarrassing moments in my life.

    Thankfully, sweetheart Ryan took it in stride. He said, “Did you have fun doing that?” One of his strong points is his deep level of acceptance. He describes himself as the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast”.

    He is basically a handsome, intelligent, sensitive man. But the schizophrenia makes him repel people, and sometimes he himself does embarrassing things in public. So he has the rare perspective of his own experience, and he is very gracious, accepting, and understanding of my sometimes socially retarded behavior.



  57.  #57Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 10:56 am

    @Lizka #44 – me too!

    I did one the other day, in fact. On Friday, I wrote that I felt “nervous and excited” for my dance performance on Saturday. It felt great, and I got a lot of positive responses! 🙂



  58.  #58Starla on February 12, 2012 at 11:06 am

    good morning sirens, woke up very angry (depressed) myself for reasons i can’t hold others accountble for….going to put on some cute sweatpants and lots of mascara and take myself to brunch for cheering. i love me and want to shower myself with affection, especially since i’m feeling low today

    also thinking bout how i’ve ‘failed’ to express my anger in a healthy way with CF, and how it’s only happened a few times but it’s something i definitely seek to change…and how leaning back facilitates healing and transformation. ahhh i love life and falling in love, and how i get to fall in love with myself by nurturing myself and transforming into an even better person.



  59.  #59Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Minus 600 calories or something later, I’m back from an amazing run in the cold.

    Aurora – We talked about running the other day, remember? Right now, what I like to listen to when I run is LMFAO. Hehe I feel like dancing while I’m running and it makes me feel sexy. 🙂



  60.  #60Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:13 am

    And I am starting to really believe men can feel our vibe even if they’re not in front of us. Even if they’re kilometres away from us…

    Everytime I am feeling down because of ATW, I don’t get news from him. And as soon as I start feeling better and focusing more on myself (like today) he texts me! This is incredible and it’s not the first time I post about that…

    In fact, I was running my 7K and when I came back, I had FOUR messages from him!!! Woaaah!!!!! I just can’t believe that he felt my vibe from the other side of the city but I don’t see what else it can be since it’s not the first time that this kind of timing happens…



  61.  #61Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:17 am

    So he just chit chatted with me and asked me what my plans were for the day. I said I was going to continue my workout and clean and do some girly stuff.

    He said “Let me know when you are motivated”. Lol I guess this means when I want to see him but I just said OK because I already have plans with myself for the day and I really really want to clean my apartment today. I don’t feel the urgency to see him and anyway, he haven’t really asked me to do something so I’m leaning baaaaaaack and focusing on my siren plan.

    Hehe 😀



  62.  #62Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Oh, when I said I was going back to my workout, he said he was feeling like movie&couch with me!!!

    Don’t know what I should do…

    Of course I want to see him, but like I said, I don’t feel the urgency to see him TODAY. And I had plans, but just with myself…

    What should I do??

    I think if I say no I will regret it later…

    But at the same time he makes me feel like when he wants to see me it’s now or never and the rest of the time he doesn’t really care about me since he spend days and days away not reaching me…

    What to do??? I need suggestions??



  63.  #63Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Haha who am I kidding?? Of course I’m dying to see him!!



  64.  #64Luzydel on February 12, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Just took a bath; washed my hair that was so stinky…and browsing Netflix to see what I can watch. I wrote two poems and now I feel better…

    I miss the Good “S”, I don’t miss The bad “S” at all, and because at the end all I got was bad “S”, I rather never talk to him again…

    Oh well…Don’t know when I will be going on dates again…went on one last Saturday and There was nothing I common, Like a birth and a fish just met, 🙂



  65.  #65Aurora Girl on February 12, 2012 at 11:30 am

    59 lizka

    yes I remember….I just love it so much i want to say it again…..how fun running can be…

    and lmfao is also on my play list…..I love that song too!!

    xo



  66.  #66Luzydel on February 12, 2012 at 11:31 am

    I meant a bird not birthlol



  67.  #67Aurora Girl on February 12, 2012 at 11:35 am

    lizka…. 60

    “I just can’t believe that he felt my vibe from the other side of the city but I don’t see what else it can be since it’s not the first time that this kind of timing happens…”

    chickie check this out…I may have posted it near Christmas time….

    a guy i dated 4 years ago keeps in touch maybe once a year….to say hi….we parted on not great terms but since made amends….I have no intention to hook up again…

    but he lived out of town…way out of town like 6 hours away….and back in November I happened to be going through his town enroute back home to my own city with my LD…..and guess what I found on my phone the morning after I had been through his town…that he had written at the EXACT time I was going through his town….. an email hello saying that he was following his thoughts and he had a strong vibe about me and wanted to send me a hello email…

    My jaw dropped! Not because I didn’t believe it but because I LOVE when this happens…..

    like mali has been saying in her notes to the universe which I love reading…..The universe is AMAZING and so mysterious some times……

    cool huh?
    xo



  68.  #68Starla on February 12, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Lizka, do not break your plans, siren. not to see him. he has to make plans in advance to see the siren. you already have plans (without him). sucks for him.



  69.  #69Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Ladies, I’d like to report that I’ve had a great, sireny weekend, so far. And now I’m back to work, so no more dating for me, for the moment. But…it was great. I stayed open. I spent all day Saturday with a new(ish) man, and then he came in the evening to see me dance. I’m not going to give him a name, and I’m not going to say much about it or him. He’s just there. I refuse to get caught up in ideas about it, or suppositions, or expectations for the future. It just is. Other men are there, too.

    For example, H keeps texting me. But he’s not really “there.” I’m letting him communicate with me. But I’m observing that he’s not really “giving” me anything. So I can’t give anything “back.” As in, I can’t give my time, or my affection, and definitely not any commitment. None, whatsoever! so what if his body makes every cell in my body get all excited like a Mexican jumping bean? I need someone who is THERE for me, and consistent, and actually GIVING to me – not making overtures about how he “wants” to be there and “wants” to give to me and “wants” to “be romantic.” Talk is cheap, and words mean nothing. Action, consistency, and follow through mean everything. I can’t have a relationship with “want.”



  70.  #70Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Starla my plan was jut to clean the house and to have a facial mask. Not like I’m ditchin someone else…

    I told him to come. Since it’s Sunday he probably won’t try to sleep over so this is good. He’s on his way and I asked him to bring food. Practicing to ask 🙂



  71.  #71Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Lizka – ((hugs!))

    I wonder if you might regret it more if you break plans with yourself to see him….

    You could always tell him how much you’d like to see him, and ask if another day would work. And then if he says “no” say “okay!” and go do your girly thing.

    He’ll be thinking about you like mad!!!

    xoxo



  72.  #72Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Oh, dear. Well, I guess it’s already too late for my advice, Lizka. I hope it makes you feel good! And don’t be afraid to kick him out when you feel “done” 😉
    xox



  73.  #73Aurora Girl on February 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

    lizka you siren……oh do have a good fun Sunday with him!! and the yummy food he’ll bring….

    xo



  74.  #74Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Ahhh it’s too late now… I already told him he can come. And like I said, I feel good about it because there’s no big chance to have sexual temptation on a Sunday afternoon… I prefer to see him now then next Saturday night…



  75.  #75Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Tiffany:

    “And don’t be afraid to kick him out when you feel “done” ”

    hahaha 🙂



  76.  #76Starla on February 12, 2012 at 11:56 am

    $orry Lizk@ my keybo@rd bre@k$ $ometime$….ju$t w@nted to $@y h@ve @ nice time with him:)



  77.  #77Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Thank you Starla!! 🙂

    PS your keyboard is weird!



  78.  #78Starla on February 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    i’m getting @ new keybo@rd in$t@lled very very $oon



  79.  #79Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I, personally, have decided that I like my Sunday evenings to myself to regroup and get ready for the week. I’m never all that happy with Sunday dates because I feel like I lose “me time.” So, it’s not up to me to judge anybody else’s decisions. But I have decided for myself not to accept Sunday evening dates any more (or even social events), because I really just like having that time to myself. And that makes me feel good! 🙂



  80.  #80Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Maybe Sunday afternoons are okay 😉



  81.  #81Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Hum I think Starla and Tiffany were right… I should have stick to my plan of cleaning and home spa treatment…

    I said MYSELF that I want to treat ATW just like my other CDs and yesterday Sexy-lawyer-CD texted me last minute for drinks and I said no. I should have do the same with ATW today.

    But oh well. No beating up, he’s on his way, I’m living in the moment. Next time I’ll do better…



  82.  #82Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Ok this guy!!!!!!!! My god he knows how to “get me in trouble” lol

    He is about to leave his place and he texted me “Do I bring my clothes for tomorrow?”

    Wow. Either he just wants to sleep with me OR he is in an imaginary relationship with me… lol. I decided (with myself) that he’s just another CD, that we’re not starting where we left 6 months ago, that the past is the past and that this is a NEW relationship…é but he’s acting like we never broke up, like we we’re starting were we left in August… weird…

    I’ll have to find a way to talk about this to him in a sireny way… but not tonight. I just want to go with the flowbruary tonight!

    Anyway, I have NO intention of going exclusive with him. He just not giving me what I want and I wont go exclusive with him without him being in crazy love with me. I’m not ready to give up on DjCD either because I would regret it. And not ready to give up on flirting and dating…



  83.  #83mali on February 12, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    *sigh* Dealing with these feelings of panic… I need to put down a £200 deposit, I thought I’d have it, but I only have £100, max £150… Okay, I feel scared, and let down…

    I’m gonna turn this over to the Universe, and trust it to help me.

    I trust in your love, that you will have me, that you will catch me. I love you, and I appreciate everything that you give me!

    Mali x



  84.  #84Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    This VIBE thing works! So I am bored and so is my son, so I bring him to this interior playground to play with tubes and all. And a little girl starts talking to my son, she’s there with the father (no ring!!!) And they play and the dad talks to me… And during that time I get a text from M!!! Like 3 days later! Whoa!

    Anyway, the dad left and never asked for my number or anything, but I swear I felt excited and kept following them with my eyes and caught him looking many times. Who knows, maybe he’s not married but in an union.

    Anyway, M texted!!! During that time! INCREDIBLE!!!



  85.  #85Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    ATW said he was feeling kind of sick (more like hangover) and asked me if I would take care of him… He talked about massage and other thing…

    How do I deal with that? Is it overfunctionning if I take care of him because he asked me to?

    If so, what kind of FM could I use?



  86.  #86Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Told ya Lolita!!!!!



  87.  #87Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Lizka, tell him you are just a girl and you like a little care and attention too because it feels so good



  88.  #88Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    So M’s text: ‘sorry for missing in action this we busy with outings and homework. I crashed both nights. Hope you’re well.’

    Does this require a response? Hope you’re well? WTF???



  89.  #89April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Please don’t do anything that feels like you are his nurse, mother or therapist!!

    You are the prize and it is you who should be massaged, taken care of and pampered.



  90.  #90Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    April Rose –

    Yeah I know. But how do I let him know?



  91.  #91April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Soft voice “It would feel sooo good to have a neck rub/back rub/foot rub etc. I’m feeling sooo achey there.

    I wouldn’t offer him anything, and if he asks for it just giggle and say something like “I’m the girl here, and girls need to be fussed. I would feel all melty like a pussy cat if you….”



  92.  #92Daria on February 12, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I dont want to have sex and not feel good i dont want to have sex and not feel put first by a man

    i feel angry at myself

    i feel angry at you



  93.  #93Daria on February 12, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I’m feeling sad! of not having sexual fulfillment i SOOO WANT

    or being worshipped that way i soo want

    and feeling FRUSTRATED!



  94.  #94sensual on February 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Ok, i am officially making a commitment to stick as closely as i possibly possibly possibly can to rori raye techniques for the next month so March 12th and see what happens. absolutely no more ”just this one text because” bla bla. aside from the no leaning forward I also really want to get better at the other things – feeling messages in person not just over the phone and raising self esteem, loving and having fun with myself and not thinking about them if they are not in front of me except to post about updates here and ask for advice. not blaming but rather expressing how i feel in situations without the “you-ness”, 5 second eye contacts, fem energy, switching hats and unzipping heart! let’s see what happens and how the progress goes! oooh i feel excited already!! yey me!!



  95.  #95April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Lizka,
    I don’t feel too happy about him inviting himself round when he is below par (ie hungover).
    Maybe (if he asks again in future) you could say “I love to spend time with you when you’re full of beans. I don’t want to see you when you’re suffering – it feels like I’m only experiencing a part of you. I feel so good in your company when you’re on good form”.

    Is this something that speaks to you, Lizka? It’s just something that came to me just now.



  96.  #96sensual on February 12, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    i have been feeling rather sad and depressed lately and just making this official commitment to focus on me and loving myself and having fun has made me feel sooooo much better and more positive and totally lifted my vibe! if anyone else wants to join me on this official commitment for the next month you are welcome! obviously some of us are in different stages in our relationships so you might not all want to, but since i’m not in a relationship i feel happy to experiment with being strict on this and seeing what happens!



  97.  #97April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    I know the feeling Daria.

    I’ve been spoiled in the past by having men who knew how to touch me just right, and who enjoyed sex in the same way as I do.

    Not having that feels so frustrating and aggravating.
    When will it happen? I’m scared it will never happen again. But I know it CAN. Depends on how brave I can be.



  98.  #98Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    April Rose –

    I totally feel like that right now… *sigh* plus he is extremly late and I’m waiting and it makes me feel stupid and naive…



  99.  #99Starla on February 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Lizk@ he went out p@rtying without you @nd now he w@nt$ u to t@ke c@re of him? I would feel unimport@nt. If it were me, I’d $end him on hi$ w@y @nd let him know I’d feel h@ppy to $ee him @g@in when he’$ feeling better, but i’m feeling unimport@nt with how it pl@yed out @nd i don’t w@nt to feel th@t w@y with him, $o i’m gonn@ $end him on hi$ w@y @nd t@ke c@re of $ome thing$ @t home.

    don’t be $c@red to t@ke c@re of your$elf here. you don’t need to get @ngry @t him…ju$t @$$ert your bound@rie$ with @ $mile @nd $end him on hi$ w@y, $iren $tyle



  100.  #100Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Yay Sensual!!!!



  101.  #101April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    In fact, WM’s sexual style makes me downright angry to the point of not wanting to bother any more.



  102.  #102Starla on February 12, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    when he get$ there you c@N th@nk him for hi$ vi$it @nd $@y it feel$ nice to $ee hi$ f@ce, @nd $end him on hi$ w@y

    r u feeling @$ turned off @$ i @m by him right now? lol.

    ju$t be c@reful not to puni$h him with your @nger right now. thi$ i$ @ job for your bound@rie$ FIR$T. you c@n expre$$ @nger $econd if he refu$e$ to honor your bound@rie$.



  103.  #103Daria on February 12, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I played myself, rushed things, gave myself up for cheap,
    wasted my chastity

    now wound up giving my pussy to a guy and i didnt even like it

    let myself down

    promised myself i owuldnt let this happen to me again

    and again im here

    im hopleless

    ill never have the satisfaction i want or meet a man that really wants to worship me

    im mad

    so disapponited

    and hes not willing to work with me on this

    it will just be a big headache

    and i actually like him

    this is jut gonna keep sucking

    i should cut him off now

    but theres no one else

    and now im not even comfortable to get head or fuchk someone else sinec i just had sex

    🙁

    omg i let myself be used again

    ugh!!!

    wat da eFFF

    i shouldn’t have gone to his house

    i was RU/shing111

    i wanted awesome sexual pleasure and instead i just wound up giving my pussy away and not even felein good

    i efel like i wasted my sacred pussy ugh

    im so mad

    and disappinted

    and sad

    and afraid of sharing that with him

    i feel sao mad at him and i dont want to blame him

    umffff



  104.  #104Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    I feel trapped. I feel trapped because he asked if he should bring his clothes for tomorrow and I didn’t answered and he said he would bring it.

    I feel trapped because he asked for me taking care of him and I didn’t answer and he assume I will.

    I feel trapped because he is late and no, I just CAN’t send him back home… 🙁

    I feel like I am being manipulated through something I don’t want (overfunctionning, sleeping with him, waiting for ever, feel unimportant…). I don’t like that…

    Ok have to sink into my feelings before he gets here. I don’t want to be angry when he finally gets here…



  105.  #105Elle on February 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    94:

    I feel excited for you! It will feel amazing!



  106.  #106Daria on February 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    im feeling UNIMPORTANT and NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH TO HAVE A MAN NOT WILLING TO PUT IN THE EFFORT AND TIME TO EAT ME OUT AND MASSAGE ME

    and since youre not willing to do that as per our discussion then i dont want to see you anymore

    *tweaks on the last part … hmmm…



  107.  #107April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Lizka,
    Good lesson here for me.
    When you posted in 61
    “So he just chit chatted with me and asked me what my plans were for the day. I said I was going to continue my workout and clean and do some girly stuff.”
    I thought “Yay Lizka”.
    But then you changed your mind to accomodate him.

    Please give yourself more time before changing a plan. Even if you have to get off the phone before giving him an answer, and spend half an hour on the blog here, that’s fine. Let him wait. Then, if you have to go back and say “sorry for the delay in answering your request, but I feel I want to honour my original plans”, that is fine. It’s not playing games.
    That’s the lesson for me here. I want to give myself the time I need to come to the decisions that feel good and right.

    This has been a great lesson.
    Now he is late and I imagine that feels bad. Time for damage control here!!

    Stay light. Practice feeling messages. Are you angry. Re-read above post by Rori. Put it into practice, and you will have a great day’s siren work.

    Love, AR



  108.  #108Daria on February 12, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    i feel angry at myself for being scared to “lose” him.// and that ohter guy i went to vegas with

    i didnt feel good with that guy and i dont want to feel tied in to either of them like that

    i was afraid to ‘lose’ him or be kicked out in the middle of the nite or have an argunent at my place and so i accomodated somewhat

    mmm

    i PUT myself int hat situation hoping it would lead to super satisfaction for me

    its ok

    i love me

    i love my desire for satisfaction



  109.  #109Daria on February 12, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    i did take some babysteps forward!!! yay 🙂



  110.  #110Daria on February 12, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    im feelin sad and keep feelin like cryin too

    now im feelni bootsy that he’s gone and not around to fill into my oxytocin

    i COUDL just enjoy this for the wonderfulness of it

    i feel sad tho

    im committed to feeling sad right now

    🙂



  111.  #111FlowerChild77 on February 12, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    (((Daria)))



  112.  #112Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Ok everything is fine. He got here like 3 minutes after I posted he was late and he kissed me and hasen’t stop kissing me since even if I am physically leaning back… We had a hard time choosing a movie and ordering food. Hehe. Now he went to shave because I said it feels scratchy. 🙂

    I’ll have to find a way to have a no-sex discussion…



  113.  #113April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    HOW TO SAY NO AND BE EVEN MORE GODDESS

    A man is entitled to ask for what he wants.

    Massages, pampering, sex etc..

    This to me has felt like being cornered. Trapped, as Lizka says. Because I didn’t know how to say no without feeling bad.

    Since finding Rori I have naturally begun to create more worth for myself, I realise that I can say ‘no’ without awkwardness or guilt.
    In a memorable demo in Love Scripts, Rori plays the goddess so well, with the attitude “Oh you cute man, you sweet gorgeous ape. You’re adorable. ” Subtext is “I’m the prize, sweetie, not you”. She says it so graciously and warmly “You gorgeous big ape, I don’t want …..add boundary here…… and I feel so good when you…..”
    It’s all in the sense of feeling high status and queenly with warmth and playfulness.



  114.  #114Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Sirens!!! Please tell me. What do you think of this text after 3 days no contact???

    So M’s text: ‘sorry for missing in action this we. busy with outings and homework. I crashed both nights. Hope you’re well.’

    Does this require a response? Hope you’re well? WTF??? Is this just a sorry excuse?



  115.  #115Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Lizka,
    Tell him in FMs how you feel



  116.  #116mali on February 12, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Lolita:

    This would be my response:

    Ah, it feels good to hear from you 🙂 And I’ve been very busy too!



  117.  #117April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Lolita,
    He is busy. With children, by the sounds of things. Is that right?
    Sounds like him grabbing the only spare minute he’s got to write to you, hence the not-so-well-thought-out message.

    I think it doesn’t require a response. He will be in touch again soon when he has breathing space.



  118.  #118April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Saying feeling messages isn’t only about the words I choose. So much is conveyed in my tone and manner.

    I’m aiming to say them with warmth, playfulness and genuine affection.



  119.  #119mali on February 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unR5xNqPZhQ

    This lady, with her song, is such a DIVA!



  120.  #120April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    The more I ‘push out’ my words, the less response I get.
    I feel so much better when I can lean back into myself as I speak a feeling message. For me it takes a lot of practice. Talking about harmless things is definitely helping – like the walk I just took in the snow. It’s a neutral topic and if I’m poetic with my feeling descriptions he smiles.



  121.  #121Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I’m confused… He doesn’t ask for a call back… So according to Rori, I think, this does not require a response?

    Also, I am thinking that if I don’t answer he might finally call tonight.

    And then I think that I also have to be open and deliver FMs every chance I get.

    What do you think?



  122.  #122Starla on February 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    lolit@ u don’t need to @n$wer thi$ one:)



  123.  #123April Rose on February 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Lolita,

    Mali and I have given you two different answers, each one perfectly fine.
    You can decide your own style.



  124.  #124mali on February 12, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Lolita…

    It feels like you’re trying to organise… get out of your head and into your heart 🙂 If you don’t feel like replying, don’t. If you think you’re going to try and control to get a particular response, that’s a sign that you just need to “be” and get in touch with how you’re feeling.

    If you’re truly happy to hear from him, share that 🙂 If not, then maybe this is something you need to work on? What do you think?



  125.  #125FlowerChild77 on February 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    I’d wait for him to call you, Lolita. Think of how much time you spend feeling anxious, letting the mice/monkeys “tell you stories” and having a low vibe/fretting for him to call.

    He’s going to call you, anyway. It doesn’t make it happen any faster—-AND you could have been ‘in the vortex’ that whole time. (In alignment, knowing you’re a rockstar and feeling GOOD!)

    😉



  126.  #126Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    I am happy to hear from him but I am defintely not enthralled by the ‘hope your well’!!! I would prefer I miss you or I love you



  127.  #127Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    ‘Crashed both nights’ sounds like an excuse. He used to answer even when asleep. I don’t like this although I am relieved he at least thought of sending an excuse… Sounds lame.



  128.  #128mali on February 12, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Notice where you’re judging, love the judgements, and then look at them as a mirror of yourself, Lolita… And then set them free 🙂



  129.  #129Silver Moonbeam on February 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    I got a LOT out of this today about the crazy 8 and loving.

    http://robbinsmadanestraining.com/landing-site/pages/vmnlp/thankyou.php?id=optcomplete



  130.  #130Daria on February 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    feeling better after a very encouraging off blog chat with Starla

    mmmm im doing well with my boundaries, now to really get CONSISTENT

    practice practice!

    this was actually awesoem practice

    im feeling mucho better now



  131.  #131Francesca on February 12, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    I used to feel anger towards my man when he didn’t bother phoning me when he said he would, but that was mostly at the beginning of our relationship and it only happened twice.

    He’s supposed to call me tonight and I have no doubt he will.

    Also, I don’t know if I can say I was angry when he was really sick over the Holidays and wasn’t up to par at all.

    I think I felt mostly frustrated and bored and I let him know how I felt using FMs.

    It took me a whole week to think of the right messages to tell him.

    I’ve never been angry at him for a long time.

    I’m about as flawed as he is but strangely, we always end up working things out.



  132.  #132Silver Moonbeam on February 12, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Oh and ANGER just like this RR post………



  133.  #133mali on February 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    SM, thankyou for that video… it made me cry <3



  134.  #134FlowerChild77 on February 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    I know…I’d prefer that also, but it sounds like he’s been busy and just meant he hopes things are going well for you.

    I read somewhere how men can only focus on one thing at a time—I find if I remind myself of that it helps me feel better. (I mean, we women are serious multitaskers–even emotionally—and I think we tend to assume men are thinking just like we do.)

    Maybe sometime you can tell him what kind of things make you feel good, what you’d like to hear. In a playful, Siren way, of course 😉



  135.  #135Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Mali, Do I sound like I am making judgements? What about how I feel when he doesn’t call? I have expressed it in FMs…

    Flowerchild, this guy is sensitive and has proven in the past he can say things like ‘i love you’ and ‘i miss you’ ect… Really sweet emails too, which I don’t get anymore.



  136.  #136Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    I AM very happy he texted, I know he is making huge efforts for this to work, he showed me that this week on the 3 nights in a row we didnt have our kids and were together.

    But I know he can do better.



  137.  #137Butterfly wings on February 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    TH spent hours in my garden over the weekend and it’s starting to look great. I didn’t show much appreciation though.

    So I emailed him this morning to say thank you. No response. Argh! I suppose I must have sent it with an expectation huh? 🙁



  138.  #138Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Lizka,

    RE: #60 and all your other posts today…

    I feel amazed that you went out running 7K in this cold! Wow! That is VERY impressive!

    I know you are with your man right now, so I am weighing in after the fact. What Rori says to do in I think it’s Commitment Blueprint is,

    “It would feel so good to be with you! But I promised myself I would do my complete workout, housework, and spend some girly time today. I’m sorry, I’m booked until tomorrow…

    … (or whenever it’s honestly convenient for you. Rori suggested at least two days for him to plan ahead). I hope that guideline helps for future reference.

    As for “should I bring my clothes for tomorrow?” I feel pretty sure Rori would say to answer. NOT answering is not building your relationship. These early times in a relationship are what not only build the trust and bondedness and love but also you are subtly negotiating the terms of the relationship.

    If you don’t want to have sex, you could say, “I don’t feel ready for that. I don’t want to just pick up where we left off. It would feel so good for some things to be communicated.”

    If you feel like maybe, you could say something playful, like, “I don’t know, I feel unsure.”



  139.  #139mali on February 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    @ 135- Lolita:

    I hear you, and I feel your pain. But in saying that it sounds like an excuse, and it sounds lame, you are shifting the energy towards him, and reflecting on your judgements of what he’s written to you.

    But how do you feel?

    Unappreciated, sad, alone?

    Why do you feel this way? And what could you do to make you feel better? What could he do to help you feel better?

    Please don’t feel that I am criticising, though it may come across that way… but, it will help you, and help you to feel more content if you can focus energy on yourself, and try and understand your feelings better 🙂 Sending you love x



  140.  #140Sweet Siren on February 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Hello sirens! I feel as if I need your help w/Valentine’s. A very masculine man who i am not committed to sent me roses for Valentine’s Day. We don’t live in the same city so I sent him an email thanking him & telling him how great it felt to see the roses he sent when I arrived at home & how I appreciate how thoughtful he is. I think it would be too ‘leaning forward’ for me to send him a Valentine’s present? The reason I feel this way is because we exchanged Christmas gifts & he seemed to like his, but I feel he was far happier when I expressed how much I enjoyed a meal he chose & cooked for me. It’s like Mr Masculine doesn’t want to receive gifts & I should just receive my gift from him & enjoy! I have given him gifts in the past but how do you sirens feel about me just leaving it at the email & leaning back? All you see online are articles saying to give guys Valentine’s Day gifts but it doesn’t feel so siren like to me…



  141.  #141Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Mali, thank you. I appreciate the comments no matter what – it’s what we are here for each other for 🙂

    I feel pain that I don’t feel his longing to talk to me like before. I feel pain that we don’t see each other with the kids anymore for now.

    I don’t feel anger right now, just confused (happy he texted, dissapointed in some of the content)

    We still have issued to iron out, and his profile still being up and us spending the time with kids apart are ver painful to me.



  142.  #142Starbright on February 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Lolita,

    To me, it seems like what is going on would give you a perfect time to completely take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. Just give him and your relationship a break.

    Don’t try to get in his head or need a certain way of him interacting with you. Just trust that whatever happens you can deal with it and go have some fun!

    That change of vibe may be just what he needs. And, in the mean time you could feel great instead of wondering why he isn’t calling at a certain time or day or saying a particular thing. You are a siren!

    xoxo



  143.  #143Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    BW,

    RE: #137 – How nice that TH worked on the garden! I wonder why he didn’t respond? Any ideas?



  144.  #144Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Mali and Flowerchild,

    I am missing the ‘sorry I missed your call last night honey. Talk later?’ In his text.

    That doesn’t feel good.



  145.  #145Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Starbright, yes. I am trying to do that. What is amazing is my vibe was totally NOT on him when he texted. I was in an interior playground (friggin cold here today) chatting up a man and his kids with my son.



  146.  #146Starbright on February 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Lolita, Right! And, perhaps that is something to repeat? When you are focused on you and enjoying your son and other men he responds!

    I have recently had a couple of similar experiences where I have been in such a high vibe place working on myself – meditating reading about magnetizing my one.

    And wouldn’t you know it buy a guy who isn’t stepping up calls and next thing I know he has been on my door stop. Two times in the past two weeks!

    So, I”m thinking – more of that!



  147.  #147Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Mali, you are right! I shouldn’t judge or think of what he means by his choice of words.



  148.  #148Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Mali, you are right! I shouldn’t judge or think of what he means by his choice of words.



  149.  #149Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    I am actually feeling dissapointed the man from the playground didn’t ask for my name or number. He was cute and had a british accent… I miss interactions like this. I would have loved a backup.



  150.  #150Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Yeah Starbright! Yes. It’s amazing how it works. Just sometimes my nerves get the better of me. I wish I could shift my vibe easy. I tend to obsess unfortunately. But not right now!



  151.  #151Jenny on February 12, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Tried the feeling message w boyfriend- he went out w another woman and left on 4day trip wo me. I was upset and told him how i felt. He said maybe we should just breakup cuz he still wants to see his female friends. Problem is he
    hasnt taken any trips w me. It all happened so quickly – phone call less than 5 minutes…so now
    wee are broke up



  152.  #152FlowerChild77 on February 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    SMB/#129 Thank you for posting that link. I’ve heard Sirens talking about this ‘crazy 8’ thing in other threads, but never had the time to really watch the whole video.

    I really didn’t know that he (TR) did stuff like this. I was very unaware—always thought of him as an entrepreneurial/business coach. Wow, was I in the dark!

    Thank you for sharing this. I love learning new things and that couple had a great experience. It felt really good to learn about that.



  153.  #153VW on February 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    My heart feels heavy…painfully heavy…my temples feel like pressure pushing upon them…

    Been crying all day…allowing expression…movement…
    of thoughts, memories…feelings…

    My mom sent me a message the other day asking to talk to me…I called her, but no answer…then, she sent another message asking for some financial help …she needs testing…

    I called her this morning again…she has had lumps and pain in her breasts for a year…:( and only now because the pain has increased and also has another growth under her arm pit…she is doing testing…

    My heart dropped…:(

    This is sooo not good…:(

    For a while, my selfish self…was asking …”why this? why me? why now?”…tears…

    Memories with my mom…came back…good ones…i always appreciated her upbeat attitude and energy…and even now, she didn’t want to worry me…

    I imagine being with her…by her side bed (like i used to when she was sick and i was a child)…and washing her feet…with love…pouring love all over her…tears of joy of having a few more moments with her…

    I am hurting right now…I haven’t seen her in 9 years…:( Feeling awful…and trapped…

    I keep telling myself…”One day at the time”…

    I hope to find the means to travel to see her before it is too late…I’ve asked lately only a few more years of all my loved ones to be healthy for me…so that I can go and see them…once I get my life together…

    I dunno right now….I feel hopeless, overwhelmed…hit under the belt by “life”…yep, i feel kinda angry…and i wonder how in the world i attracted this too…they seem coming up one after the other since December…:(



  154.  #154Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    (((VW))),

    I feel sad with you. Check out Dr. Lorraine Day. She had a grapefruit-sized tumor between her breasts. She cured herself by eating nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. No radiation or chemotherapy, and it went away.

    Love to you and your Mom! Brenda



  155.  #155Rori Raye on February 12, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Siren – No gift this time – Rori



  156.  #156Sweet Siren on February 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Thanks Rori! I felt like that was the answer!



  157.  #157LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    I was missing you sirens tonight.

    I went to bed so late, I mean, so early this morning lol.
    A friend woke me up at 11am.
    She picked me up and I went to spend the entire afternoon with her.
    She is so warm and kind.
    I really love her.
    She keeps bringing up her brother, he has had the hots for me ever since he met me 1 and a half years ago.
    He druels every time he sees me.
    I told her that I find him very attractive physically, but no sparks personality wise.
    I also said that I would like to get to know him more, but I’m keeping the man catalog open.

    I want to do some window shopping, I don’t feel like getting hooked on 1 man.
    She was very understanding.

    It feels so good to feel free of that emotional bondage! 🙂

    We went to the s3x shop where I treated myself to a toy.

    They say that a woman’s peak is in her 40s.
    Oh Yeah, I get that now!
    My hormones are bouncing all over the walls.
    One of my friends said that having an attractive FWB really helped her relieve the pressure while she was looking for Mr.Right.
    It allowed her to lean back and not get too needy when she met a new man.
    She did find Mr.Right who asked her for exclusivity and now her FWB is only a platonic friend.

    I’ll see how I feel about that idea.
    It would definitely put the pressure off.
    My raging hormones are flying and I don’t want to grab just any man.
    So, s3xually exclusive w 1 and cd’ing others.
    I like that idea. I’ll simmer that idea for a while.
    Meantime, I have my new buzzy toy. 🙂
    I’ll call him Buzz lol

    Awesome transformation for me: I was not shy or embarassed at all at the s3x shop today. That’s new for me.
    I was very comfortable asking all the questions, pressing the on switch on the demos, pressing all the options, touching to feel.
    It feels so sireny to feel so comfortable w s3xuality.

    I have D to thank for that. It was my jealousy and competitiveness that triggered me to come out of my shell and be adventurous.
    It took me a flirtatious man to trigger my burried s3xuality to come out and be.
    He always asked me what I liked and what turned me on.
    He was very attentive to my physical needs.
    I learned how to sink into my physical sensations with his guidance.

    Now that I know that I have that sensuality in me, maybe I won’t need a flirtatious womanizer to trigger it out of me through my competitive jealousy.

    Hmmm, I’m starting to feel like a woman, no longer like a little girl.

    So this was the relationship I needed to propel me to grow up.
    That thought feels good.
    That thought feels hella better than being angry and blamey at him.
    That thought actually feeds my growth and my confidence.
    That thought is completely focused on ME, not him.
    I am nourishing ME, instead of feeding my hurtful anger.

    I feel calm and peaceful with that thought.
    Is that what confidence feels like?
    I think so.



  158.  #158LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    152:

    One of my aunts did several seminars of Tony Robbins with her husband.

    She is unrecognizable since the last 5 or 6 years.

    She has been glowing! She used to have droopy sleepy eyes, drab expression on her face, slow talker, lifeless.
    Now she always looks energized, her facial expression is constantly glowing, her eyes sparkle.
    He smile is wide and bright (OK her husband’s a dentist lol).

    She looks so alive and happy and it has been constant for the past 5 or 6 years. 🙂

    Awesome example that transformation is very possible!



  159.  #159Lizka on February 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    I realise that one of the thing that made my vibe better thus weekend is all these new Facebook friends and this new Siren Island to hang out on on FB.

    Thank you girls. I love you all!!! xoxo

    PS more details to come tomorrow about my date with ATW…



  160.  #160Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    Lolita,

    I am not always the best at knowing what to say and what to say it, so I will just respond to your concerns about his brief text by telling you some of my experiences with Ryan in the past.

    In 2009, as things were developing between us, there came a point when he starting cooling off toward me. Instead of working on myself and upping my vibe, I came to him with feeling messages about being insecure and sad that he didn’t contact me like before or didn’t say the same things like before, such as “I love you.”

    The effect was a needy, insecure vibe, which no doubt did nothing to bring him closer (again, it’s a miracle that he is still in my life after all the mistakes I made!).

    If I had it to do over again? And I got a text like you got? I would say, “Hey, nice to hear from you!”

    And that is my style, where I have arrived for myself. I am not one to not acknowledge a man when he contacts me, even if he doesn’t ask me to. I think it’s just basic manners to acknowledge someone when they reach out, altho I understand Rori’s reasoning, with the superstar vibe.

    Play it cool and aloof, and you will be more attractive than if you are like I was, literally begging him to cuddle with me like he used to. Yikes!

    I’ve realized it’s all about positioning myself. I want to be in a position of strength, not weakness. Altho to me it is not a power play and shouldn’t be. I don’t think a truly loving relationship should have talk of “power”. And again, that’s just my take on it.

    Hope that helps!



  161.  #161Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    Brenda, I wish I had read that before… I just tried calling (stupid me) and he did not answer! And I’m so stupid I also called his cell and then again home!!!



  162.  #162LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Brenda,

    Your shift in position looks like you are now valuing yourself, you look like you think highly of yourself.
    That makes me feel like respecting you and looking up to you.
    You look tall to me now.
    I feel inspired by your shift in vibe.

    Thanks for sharing Brenda 🙂



  163.  #163LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    161:

    Hi ((Lolita)),

    Did you text back? Like Brenda suggested “Feels good to hear from you…”



  164.  #164LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    ((( VW )))



  165.  #165LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    149:

    Yeah Lolita girl! That’s the spirit!

    Just talking w him like you did was great practice to get comfortable.



  166.  #166Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    LiliBee, I’m confused… I did not talk to him… he didnt answer! again!!!!



  167.  #167Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Why do I keep making the same mistakes?

    Why did I call in response to a ‘so-so’ text?

    Because I felt like talking with him to reassure myself that everything is ok.

    I am very frustrated with myself right now!!!



  168.  #168LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    166:

    But he texted you no? Did you answer by texting?



  169.  #169Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    LiliBee, no I didnt answer because I didnt like his text so much and I wasnt going to call but I cracked…



  170.  #170Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    I am now very scared he is chatting away with someone in the evenings he met on match



  171.  #171Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    he said he was interested in someone on matcg when we were not together, but not anymore. I am afraid he is talking with her.



  172.  #172Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    I should just dump his sorry ass… I’m way too precious for him



  173.  #173Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    Please tell me what I should do now Sirens…

    I’m unbelievably ridiculous now.



  174.  #174Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    I feel so ashamed for reaching out AGAIN on the phone and not getting an answer AGAIN. And at 10pm he is awake!!!



  175.  #175Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    What do you think Sirens?

    Sorry for spamming 2 nights in a row…



  176.  #176LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    I think that if he texts, he doesn’t warrant more than an answer by text.
    I wouldn’t feel good answering a text with a phone call, I mean don’t give more than he gives you.

    But I know where you are at. I’ve had the exact same situation as yours and reacted exactly like you have.
    Drove me nuts to call both phones and no answer.

    You once mentioned he did not want to introduce you back in his sons’ life right away.
    So he probably doesn’t want them to hear him talking on the phone w you.

    I think you should respect his wishes if he is w his sons and just text him to respond to his text, no calling.
    By calling him, you are pressuring him.
    That will push him away instead of bringing him closer.

    I’ve been where you are over this winter, and the view is always clearer from the outside then from the inside.

    Have a “tisane” to relax before going to bed.

    Good night ((( Lolita ))) xox



  177.  #177Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Thank you LiliBee…

    Do you think it’s too late now? that the damage is done?



  178.  #178Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I am SOOO upset… I feel terrible. He seems so sincere when we are together but I feel something must be up or he is in his head thinking and avoiding me or he is talking with someone else.



  179.  #179LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Lolita,

    I know that shame.

    Take care of yourself right now.
    Think of YOU.
    YOU are #1 to YOU.
    What could you do right now to make YOU feel good without him?



  180.  #180Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Sirens… please tell me the truth… What do you think?



  181.  #181LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    178:

    That’s what I used to think too 🙁

    The best thing to do is focus on yourself.
    If he is talking to someone else, there’s nothing you can do about it, except shift your vibe and focus on YOU.
    Putting pressure on him and trying to “fix” things will only make him feel trapped.
    He will resist feeling trapped and pull away.



  182.  #182Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I feel so stupid.



  183.  #183LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    …and when he feels trapped and pulls away from that feeling, it will be more tempting for him to talk to another woman who does not put pressure on him.



  184.  #184Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    LiliBee, so you think he is talking with someone else with all this happening?… I am freaking out.



  185.  #185Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    If he is talking with someone else instead of answering my phone calls, I’m not sure I even want him..



  186.  #186LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    182:

    OK to feel stupid, we all do sometime.
    But don’t forget to forgive yourself, show yourself some love and compassion like you would to another siren.
    You are worthy of love and compassion just as much as anyone else, even from yourself.



  187.  #187Turquoise on February 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Oh sirens, still very very ill. My oldest has it too. When my ex brought her home, he brought all kinds of soda, popsicles, crackers, apple sauce, bananas, pudding and yogurt. He also picked up a perscription and some anti nausea medicine. When he left he was feeling quite ill also, and has a 4.5 drive home. I didn’t hug him, said I didn’t want to share my germs, he didn’t try to, but told me he hoped I feel better. I slept a lot, and we texted and talked a few times.

    I’m heading to bed, hoping rest will help, and already called in sick. We are all staying home tomorrow.

    I did read the comments, but my vibe is so low and sickly, I don’t have anything nice to share. Hugs to you all. Be back tomorrow.



  188.  #188Butterfly wings on February 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    142 Brenda – I have no idea. Because he’s mean and cruel? Lol

    He’ll say he was busy. And I’d buy that if he didn’t have time to post comments on FB…. Rawr!!!

    God I feel frustrated! And that tells me to stop thinking about him and focus totally on ME!!!



  189.  #189Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    183 LiliBee, that hurts but thank you for your honesty.

    How ridiculous of me to call him!!! We had a great time this week 3 nights in a row.



  190.  #190Starla on February 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Hi Lolita, girl, hugs to you. all you can do now is lean back. do you have something you can do to take care of yourself?

    I don’t know if you’re CDing but please do not make yourself exclusively available to one man who doesn’t maintain connection with you. It will drive you crazy like how it is now.



  191.  #191Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    LiliBee, do you THINK he is talking with someone else? when I told him I felt bad about the profile, he said he would take it down and then mumbled somehting about letting the subscription run out after the end of the 1 month he took. He hasnt logged in in 2 weeks, but for all I know he could be chatting on another platform or even on another site!!!

    Maybe all of this is not true, but something is definetely weird.



  192.  #192siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Lolita, you don’t know what’s actually going on. your NVs are jumping to negative conclusions (which is what hey do best). but like Rori says, men turn around quickly. if you feel like calling him, put your cell phone in another room or better yet get out of the house without it if you can. bring your energy back to yourself.

    i was spiraling with NVs yesterday and leaning back has helped me get my vibe up. the guy who has been incommunicato for 4 days called 3 times today and made plans for V-day (he’s going to make italian from scratch, pasta included!). i thought i was never going to hear from him again…



  193.  #193siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    *incommunicado



  194.  #194Butterfly wings on February 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    ((((VW)))) how awful for you. 🙁

    So does she know if they’re cancerous?? You must feel so scared for her…

    xxx



  195.  #195LiliBee on February 12, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    184:

    He may be talking to someone, or he may not be.
    If he is not, he eventually will if he feels too much pressure from you.

    When I would get fed up of that anxiety, I would just give up and step back.
    When I gave up and let go, D would bounce back to me like an elastic and cling like saran wrap.
    Then I would kick him around verbally w my lingering anger.
    That’s what pushed him away and he ended up w someone else.

    I want to save you from my heartache.
    Just let it go, and let him come to you if he wants to.
    If he doesn’t, you’ll be used to leaning back and taking care of yourself.
    If he does go to someone else, the hurt is less painful if you’re already used to leaning back and taking care of yourself.



  196.  #196siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    (((((((Jenny)))))))



  197.  #197Butterfly wings on February 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    159 Lizka – I hear you girl! How great that we can all connect in private but also get to “see” each other too! Very very cool!



  198.  #198siren song on February 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    (((((VW)))))



  199.  #199Sallythatgirl on February 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Sirens! Long time lurker, I feel so excited to be able to feel my feelings. You all are amazing and such goddesses. I feel as if I already know you all. I have a question, I am circular dating, but the one guy who I have been on 7 dates with asked me about my availability for this week. I casually…well who am I kidding, not casually!..Tuesday’s valentines day. He responded with a long speech about how it’s hard to get reservations, it’s always crowded and some comment about how since he was a waiter, that’s why it’s not a big holiday to him. He has taken me on several super romantic dates so far. I am not 100 percent or fully focused on him, but I do want to feel special on valentines! I just was quiet when he gave his overrated holiday speech. My girlfriend says by mentioning the day, I communicated it was important. But I feel I want to convey to him what would feel good to me, I don’t care what he thinks about valentines day!!! It’s me!!! So he is calling me tonight, and we are doing something’casual tomorrow. Can I bring up v day or do I just have to wait and be surprised? It’s not like he is my one and only but I felt he wanted to please me…help ladies! Thanks to all of you!



  200.  #200Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Thank you Siren Song and LiliBee… Do you think it,s too late now? I can’t believe I called twice at home!



  201.  #201Starla on February 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    so my keyboard is temporarily working, hooray.

    i have been feeling embarrassed and afraid of CF pulling back since last week. he told me he wants to spend forever with me on sunday, and by tuesday i was testing him big time.

    i am just leaning back. i think i did some damage but leaning back is the best damage control any woman can do. he is still rowing the boat but i can FEEL that i did some damage. so i just let him row and lean back… and also focus more on being less blamey in my communication. Time will handle this one as long as I lean back and focus on myself.

    I’m a little low on CD’s right now, as i am feeling bored by my guys always texting and facebooking despite it not working to get my attention, so i think it would feel good to shift my attention to organically connecting with CD’s, like meeting them out and about and never getting into texting with them.

    maybe one of my current CDs will get a clue and call me:) and i can practice real life flirting and sireniness. so bored with texting and facebook.

    I am still down for Go With The Flowbuary. I got knocked off track but I’m back on track.

    i feel like i’ve been waiting by the phone all night, full of fear that CF is changing his mind about me right now while he’s in his cave… this just simply won’t do, i’m going to go take care of myself and take a nice hot shower and exfoliate and moisturize and just be loving to myself instead of wondering about some man.



  202.  #202Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    Starla, I wish I could be more like you.



  203.  #203Starla on February 12, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    oh yeah, and i’m going to Eat Something Already!



  204.  #204siren song on February 12, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    lolita, it’s definitely going to be ok, no matter what happens. please don’t beat yourself up over 2 phone calls.



  205.  #205Starla on February 12, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Lolita, I’m not always like me. A lot of the time, I am really just going through the motions of being like me. But by at least TRYING to shift my focus, and by actively taking care of myself in measurable ways instead of only feeling preoccupied about unknown stuff with a man, I am not abandoning myself. This is the most important thing. We abandon ourselves when we pine for a man, which only reinforces our negative vibe that pushes him away without our even knowing why.

    I love me. Just because I feel worried about something with a man doesn’t mean i will stop fiercely loving myself. I will not abandon myself next to the phone.

    BTW, Lolita, have you tried Rori’s drop to your knees tool? where when you’re feeling obsessive,, you drop to your knees and really sink into your feelings, feel them INTENSELY all through you, until you’re truly bored with it. Then you get up and do something else that feels good.



  206.  #206Starla on February 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    also, 2 phone calls didn’t ruin anything. really. the fact that he’s not calling you back just means you should not be putting all your hopes in this man… it means nothing for your desirability. Lolita, YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You have such an inner siren, just let her out and be proud.

    I hope you start dating other men pronto:)



  207.  #207siren song on February 12, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    “We abandon ourselves when we pine for a man, which only reinforces our negative vibe that pushes him away without our even knowing why.”

    this is great, starla.



  208.  #208Starla on February 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    lol, as soon as i came on here to declare that i would be focusing back on myself, it appears as though CF called and left me a wonderful voice message:)

    this vibe stuff is FOR REAL, ladies.



  209.  #209kayla on February 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Hello sirens, It’s been a long weekend, I had a lot of good fun with a lot of good friends (: it felt great.. However I am feeling pretty jealous right now.. Just a few mins ago I was looking at a fb profile of one of my ex bf’s.. I haven’t done this for a long time, and I feel sort of ashamed and obsessive for doing this.. But anyways, I noticed that he has a new girlfriend.. I was his most recent girlfriend before this one.. And let me tell you, the way I see it, she is the exact opposite of sireny.. she leans forward every single day in SO many different ways.. And she overfunctions soo much.. She buys him presents and writes on his wall everyday, telling him about her day and how much she loves him and misses him.. I’m not feeling jealous of the fact that he has a girlfriend, my dilemma is the fact that they have not been together for more than a week and a half.. And he already told her that he loves her AND he bought her a necklace.. Also they barely ever get to see eachother because they live so far



  210.  #210Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    thank you Siren Song and Starla.

    Although I feel that if he is not answering this early, he’s busy with someone else chatting. It,s been happening way to often.

    He had said last week, he was no longer interested in her (the one person he was interested in on match when we had broken up) and that anyway she doesnt ‘date’ men who are not divorced.. This made me terrified she may be a Siren!!! what do you think?



  211.  #211Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    He said we are exclusive and that is not interested in dating anyone… but then hesitated about the match profile… I feel confused.

    He also said ‘why do I need to go out to get a chickie, when I already have my chickie’

    He let me in his house early on weds with a key while he was on training.

    He’s definetely not sleeping with her, but he may be ‘chatting’ or ‘talking’… I don’t know.



  212.  #212Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    O>r maybe not at all… But definetely is not answering the friggin phone! And it drives me mad. I had expressed how I need to feel connected.



  213.  #213Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    He texted today ‘sorry for missing in action this we. Super busy with outings and homework. Crashed both nights putting them to bed. Hope you’re well.

    I hate the hope your well.

    What do you think?



  214.  #214kayla on February 12, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    Him and I were with eachother every single day 24/7 pretty much and it was ALWAYS him making the plans.. I feel hurt because it took him almost 2 months to tell me that he loved me, and it took him pretty much the same amount of time to buy me anything.. And what he bought me was nothing expensive, he bought me a pillow and a blanket.. Now I don’t want to complain about this, because I felt very happy and loved because of it.. But I just don’t understand how a man can be with a woman who is soo unsireny for a week and a half and tell her he loves her and buy her a necklace.. And then be with a woman who uses all the tools and almost never leans forward or overfunctions or anything to push a man away, but it takes him TWO MONTHS to buy me anything or tell me he loves me.. AND his gift to her probably meant a lot more for both of them, than what his gift to me meant for him.. I just don’t understand.. Anyone have any advice???



  215.  #215Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    ((KAYLA)))

    Are you still interested in your ex?

    I know it hurts, but often quick ‘loves’ like that don’t work out in the long run.. it may just be an infatuation.



  216.  #216Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    Kayla, He is sure to notice her unsireness soon.. It’s only been a week and a half.



  217.  #217Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Lolita,

    RE: #161 – I feel sad when I see another siren beating herself up. That is a time to give yourself unconditional love and wrap yourself in acceptance.

    Sorry I didn’t respond earlier.



  218.  #218Lolita on February 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Thank you Brenda

    Do you think it is too late? That he is busy with this match contact?



  219.  #219Brenda on February 12, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Lilibee,

    RE: #162 – “Brenda,

    Your shift in position looks like you are now valuing yourself, you look like you think highly of yourself.
    That makes me feel like respecting you and looking up to you.
    You look tall to me now.
    I feel inspired by your shift in vibe.

    Thanks for sharing Brenda 🙂 ”

    Aww, thank you! What a sweet thing to say!



  220.  #220kayla on February 12, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    @Lolita, thank you.. And I do think of him still sometimes.. I mean if he asked me for another chance I would most likely say yes, but only if he proved himself to me first..



  221.  #221Memulo on February 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    Reposting from the prior chat:

    I just came back from my date with smartCD and I feel scared that I am killing his attraction. He told me today while kissing me passionately that he thinks he loves me and I froze in disbelief and afterward told him: you don’t have to tell me that you love me, I already agreed to sleep with you next weekend.

    I feel awful.



  222.  #222sunshine on February 12, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    first i wanted to say about the previous post about the curiosity of wondering if no one is the villain..
    when i think that i feel sad and angry. if i dont blame him then i will have to accept that thats just how it turned out and we didnt work out…and well thats the truth but i dont want to accept it. I feel sad and lonely when i think that hes not a horrible person. I will keep feeling when i think about this and see what changes and heals in me, I hope i do heal.

    About this post on anger: lately ive been practicing feeling messages when I feel anger but when i say it, not accusing its still so hard to express it that even that makes me feel “bitchy.” I gotta keep reminding mysel that its my right to say what i feel but its hard. When I say how i feel and that i feel angry, I feel bitchy, dramatic, and even weird or strange. Does anyone here ever feel weird or strange? its a feeling that i feel often! i wonder how come but its a definite block on me expressing myself gotta work through that….



  223.  #223Starla on February 12, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    🙂 I am a very exfoliated and moisturized siren:) taking care of me feels good:)

    Lolita, your mind and anxiety are going 100 mph. i didn’t see if you answered me about knowing the drop to your knees tool in #204?



  224.  #224Starla on February 12, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    hugs memulo, you must have felt so afraid deep down when he said that to you



  225.  #225Tiffany on February 12, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Oy. So I think I may have messed something up today.

    And I still love myself unconditionally and without question!

    The thing I feel like I ‘messed up’ isn’t what you might think. Because I actually called K today. I was sitting there, at my computer, and I couldn’t concentrate. K didn’t come to my dance performance, so I wanted to know what to do with his bluetooth. (and by “so,” I mean, I didn’t get a chance to ask.)

    Well, it must have been divine timing, or something, because I called, and he answered the phone. I didn’t get all mushy or anything, I just asked what he wanted me to do with it. So then we got into a little conversation. I told him all about my performance and how it went. No malice whatsoever. It felt really good to talk to him!

    And then, a little bit later, I saw that he had “liked” my video on facebook. That made me feel good!

    However – here’s the mistake. I also put on FB some pictures from my day trip yesterday with new mystery guy (he’s a mystery to you – I know who he is!;) I had hidden them from my “timeline,” after I posted, because I wasn’t sure about sharing them, but I hadn’t checked all the way to make sure they weren’t visible to my friends. And of course I knew that K might see them. And I don’t want to care about that, but I also don’t think I should flaunt a new date, who isn’t even my boyfriend….

    Anyway, K had said he would text or call later today, or maybe tomorrow night. I’m not surprised that he hasn’t texted me, BUT…

    I went on FB, and noticed that he no longer “liked” my video. He is still in my friend’s list, tho – thank goodness! But I don’t know why he would unlike my video, unless he was upset about the photos.

    On the other hand, I don’t really know. I am “logic-ing” and thinking, and it’s all in my head. What I really FEEL is rejection. I was really proud of that video.

    And I don’t know why it matters to me so much what people think. A big part of me just wishes that I could be like my sister was, not caring what people thought of her and just doing whatever she wanted. But that’s not me. Maybe I was *born* caring about what people think of me. Maybe it is just in my DNA, my personality, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s a strength in a lot of ways, because it keeps me doing my best. But it’s a weakness when it inhibits me, or keeps me from feeling “free.”

    I like myself and my caring about what people think. I like that I care what he thinks, because it means it matters to me. He matters to me, even if I don’t want him to. Even if it is a little painful.

    I just watched an interesting video about detachment and love. How unconditional love flows freely when there is no attachment. But “attachment = Love + pain.” I really liked that analogy. It of course described my experience. Pain that comes from expectation and disappointment. Pain that comes from hurt and rejection. I associate all those things with “Love.” I almost don’t feel love UNLESS I feel pain. Wow.

    So in a way, the pain feels good. It feels like “love.” (this is the very poetic thing, isn’t it)

    But it’s not Real Love. It’s not the Ideal that we are shooting for. Because real, unconditional love is unattached. Real, unconditional love doesn’t care what he or she does, because there is no expectation, no disappointment, no rejection, and therefore no hurt and no pain.

    I thought his message for me was done, and that the lesson was over and he was gone. Maybe there is more in this for me to heal.

    But I can tell you that I feel unattached to my new mystery guy. I don’t really care if people think we are boyfriend and girlfriend or not. I don’t really care if we are or not. We are just going on dates.

    I feel, however, that I have already been joined with K somehow. Whether or not I want there to be attachment there, it’s there. And I can’t just decide not to care. I have to feel the feelings of caring and move through them, and not get attached to them. maybe that’s where the real unconditional love can happen….



  226.  #226Jilly on February 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    jeez…it must be the vibe in the air…I feel like I messed up a little …why..it’s my NV’s ..but 99% of the time with Rugby Man felt dreamy 🙂

    So…Rugby man came and picked me up about 930 Saturday morning…we went skiing all day…and I felt really close to him..he would put his arm around me every chair lift ride…he is a sexy skier 🙂

    then he asked me if I wanted to visit his friends with him…I expressed that I would 🙂

    and throughout the day we become more and more handsy and kissy…

    so later on laying in bed we are ready to have sex and he actually asked me “what should we do about this?” and I responded that I’m not a casual sex kind of girl and that I get attached and I am looking for more of a real commitment ..and I know we are still feeling each other out”

    HIM: (super sweetly) ok… I understand…and this isn’t casual to me…I still want us to keep dating even if I move to (a place that’s an hour away)

    ME: ok I like that…(we did not have sex)

    he is gone for the week…he asked if he could see me next weekend when he gets home…

    this what I don’t like about me…I always have to say some smartass remark like “maybe” with a cute little grin…

    instead of “i would like that, or that would feel really good”

    after I say the smartass remarks my NV’s start having a hayday…



  227.  #227Jilly on February 12, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    k I need to get to sleep…Lolita…((((hugs)))) i don’t think you ruined anything..and I agree..the best remedy is to lean back

    kayla…sometimes I wonder that too…it’s hard to analyze why some women seem so unsireny and still have the man…

    Tiffany…I don’t think you ruined it either…but ya..seeing that he unliked your video…jeez…

    Turquoise…hope you feel better soon!!!



  228.  #228Jilly on February 12, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    memulo ((((((((hugs)))))))



  229.  #229Jilly on February 12, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    I feel glad that I did not have sex with Rugby man…

    I really like everything about him so far…

    I do not want to abandon myself for any man…

    I intend to stay aligned and centered this week…

    I love me



  230.  #230Daria on February 12, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Team Heal Loneliness!!!

    I realized i was spending more time with men on a CDate than i reallhy felt comfortable with…

    to extend my unlonely and also relaxed, private, vibe

    and actually this was backfriing!

    i will get more of this by NOT extending my dates!

    wow!

    so today

    well i got that with the encouragement of Starla today

    i kept my CD short

    he asked me for my curfew and i didnt say oh it would feel cool to stay out with you what do you think?

    the way i have with other CDs including Wiz Kalifa the one i was with the past 4 days

    sooo

    i now feel very calm powerful

    and sireny

    and glaD!

    and deserving

    and safe!

    mmm

    me!



  231.  #231Daria on February 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    ((((Memulo)))) maybe you can add that to the *cute charming * things about you

    *freaks out when overwhelmed by man declaring love and says cute silly things

    awww Memulo

    * 🙂



  232.  #232Silver-Tongued Siren on February 12, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    I am back. Absolutely exhausted. Baby nursing on my lap, thank goodness he just got up. he nursed ALL NIGHT the last few nights, and a lot today too. (he’s been teething -6 teeth at once! and having an emotionally difficult time with MILW not being present regularly.)

    It has been a long day, and it feels like lots of ground has been covered…sort of.

    I have shared a lot of feeling messages..

    not enough, but gotta pick your battles.

    …So BF was 2 HOURS later last night than it should’ve taken, and didn’t bother to let me know or explain. ….. he had ridden up with a female “friend” from work.

    Last night after we had dinner w/ his dad/stepmom he snapped at me, after dinner, about the baby, while we were playing. It felt really bad.

    I couldn’t let it go. I didn’t like it, and I don’t want to set up a pattern of that being okay and me not standing up for myself. I think many times MILW has spoken to me in ways that I have accepted by staying or by not leaning wayy back when he did them, or by getting angry,yelling and blamey instead of sharing feelings only.

    I felt like BF would respect me more if I shared how I felt than if I didn’t say anything. I am very sure that he KNEW the minute he snapped at me, that it didn’t feel good to me, and in the car neither of us said a word, reached for each other, looked at each other… at all. Nearly the entire ride home. The energy FELT tense to me. He knew I was not happy, and to not say anything would not make me look or feel good.

    I was angrier by the minute.

    It took a great deal of courage to speak up.
    I was so nervous. I had sat there thinking about it the entire ride. I was so angry at him and at the men in my life in general that I actually started wondering again if it’s even worth it to have them in my life at all. I was even angry at my own power, yet projecting it on him, like “why should *I* have to initiate this, and why are these men so clueless?”.. ugh. bad, bad feelings.

    But I decided that the shallow intimacy I would have with someone I was not open and vulnerable and honest with, would not satisfy me. I intend to feel a deeper intimacy with someone. That is fulfilling to me.

    So I finally spoke up, and when I did, I shared lots of feeling msgs – “you sounded angry when you said ___ at the table, that felt really bad” and was met with silence and ignoring me. I asked if he heard me, he said yes, and said nothing else. i shared that i was confused, that i felt hurt, and that it wasn’t feeling better.. etc see earlier post. but he said nothing.

    snapped at me a couple more times when we came in the house.

    went to bed. i nursed the baby all night, feeling physically uncomfortable as every night and had to do without any cuddling which is a supreme comfort at night while taking care of the baby.

    I woke up around 1am last night, came and posted online. while using the computer, baby woke 2 or 3 times in which I went to nurse him back to sleep.
    BF noticed I was gone at some point, because when I came back to bed the bedroom door was open. I wonder if he saw me angrily typing away or not.

    he still ignored me the rest of the night, but I stayed leaned back. I was ANGRY, but tried to let it just flow through me and relax and let it go. Because I am the goddess and he will respond equally to whatever amount of leaning back I do.

    I managed to be relaxed enough to be open to him a bit. So, I woke up this morning and he was gone. In the restroom I guess. I was turned over toward his side, and he lay down next to me. I never opened my eyes but I moved, so he knew I was awake. He lay down and put his arm around me and his face – his nose and cheek touching mine, and whispered, “I’m sorry for being a jerk last night”… I touched him affectionately to acknowledge, and i think I said something about that it just felt really bad. I asked why he was mad at me a little later, not sure if he heard me but he didn’t answer.
    we lay in bed a long time this morning. he (appropriately I suppose) didn’t try to have sex with me.

    Later in the day I sat with him and asked him what he was angry about last night, if I bit his dog or something.. we joked about that a bit. then I asked, seriously, is there anything that was bothering you that I should know about? and he said no, he was just tired.

    I feel like this isnt true, there was something that triggered him, but he was tired and normally wouldn’t have expressed it.

    whatever it is I am sure will come to light at some point, unless it truly is nothing.

    phew! what a rough night.

    cont…



  233.  #233Emmie on February 12, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    @ aurora girl….i’ve asked t o join the group on facebook 😀 my last name ends in a colour



  234.  #234Daria on February 12, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    dont show him how you feel

    play cool

    ok you got it, now all you gotta do is… and youll get what you want

    its not safe

    its safe up to a level but in the real world its not safe to test it



  235.  #235Daria on February 12, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    my kidneys arent doing well

    my digestion isnt good

    now i have to find a way to live this lavish lifestyle on my own

    *these are things i say to myself im gonna EFT on



  236.  #236Celeste on February 12, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    I got a question.. I’ve been leaning back in our relationship and now he says that he feels weird contacting me all of the time. He asked if we could change that (after a suggestion I read here I said I would like to follow his lead)



  237.  #237Silver-Tongued Siren on February 12, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    cont. later, too sleepy! have been putting baby to sleep and now can’t stay awake myself! lol

    Goodnight, Sirens!



  238.  #238Celeste on February 12, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    I got a question.. I’ve been leaning back in our relationship and now he says that he feels weird contacting me all of the time. He asked if we could change that (after a suggestion I read here I said I would like to follow his lead)

    He is kind of the sensitive type, maybe that has something to do with it?



  239.  #239Butterfly Wings on February 13, 2012 at 2:44 am

    Hi everybody! It’s my baby’s 5th birthday today so I finished work early to go pick her up from school and we’re home now and TH has cooked us dinner, which was nice!

    He was supposed to finish an hour later today, but must have arranged to leave early because he emailed me this afternoon to say he’d leave work with me. Nice! 🙂

    He then helped me to sing happy birthday (well, he did the “hooray” bits at the end!

    I’m not feeling cranky at him anymore, and what’s interesting is that he came over to my desk this afternoon with one of the other boys and asked me to show him my bracelet (the one he bought me for my birthday), as the other guy was thinking of buying one for his wife.

    So they were obviously talking about it over there and other people would’ve heard, so I feel more comfortable that TH is really not “hiding” our relationship anymore. That feels good.

    We still have ages to go till I’m 100% happy, but for now I feel good. Until he does something to pi$$ me off again! 😛



  240.  #240Francesca on February 13, 2012 at 3:10 am

    So my man didn’t call last night.

    I’m not worried, just a little sad.

    You ladies don’t have to reply to that, as you never do anyway.

    I just love talking to myself.



  241.  #241Francesca on February 13, 2012 at 3:10 am

    I’m not in front of you so I don’t exist, right?



  242.  #242Butterfly Wings on February 13, 2012 at 3:14 am

    I think everyone’s asleep or busy Francesca. It’s been quiet on here tonight. xx



  243.  #243Emmie on February 13, 2012 at 3:15 am

    Hi sirens…
    I am in a dilemma….my counsellor has advised me to write down EVERYTHING about my relationship with my ex J in order to help myself heal. This includes everything from the last 5 years. Focusing mainly on my feelings and experiences but also observing and writing about his perception

    Then together will pick the right bits out in order to contact him to apologise and also to organise the dog we share together…

    I feel so conflicted. I want to write truthfully but im scared of the vibe I will give off.

    I want to do this to heal me, but every time I start thinking of starting I cry.

    I want to apologise to him and organise the dog…but im scared to lean forward..

    I feel so scared…what do you think I should do??



  244.  #244Emmie on February 13, 2012 at 3:15 am

    Hi sirens…
    I am in a dilemma….my counsellor has advised me to write down EVERYTHING about my relationship with my ex J in order to help myself heal. This includes everything from the last 5 years. Focusing mainly on my feelings and experiences but also observing and writing about his perception

    Then together will pick the right bits out in order to contact him to apologise and also to organise the dog we share together…

    I feel so conflicted. I want to write truthfully but im scared of the vibe I will give off.

    I want to do this to heal me, but every time I start thinking of starting I cry.

    I want to apologise to him and organise the dog…but im scared to lean forward..

    I feel so scared…what do you think I should do??



  245.  #245Butterfly Wings on February 13, 2012 at 3:15 am

    And for what it’s worth, I’d be pretty upset, so I hope you’re ok.

    Do you plan to say something to him when he does eventually call?



  246.  #246Aurora Girl on February 13, 2012 at 3:36 am

    231 Emmie

    @ aurora girl….i’ve asked t o join the group on facebook 😀 my last name ends in a colour

    sweet to be able to connect there……for many people……a great thing

    It’s not something I do, for several reasons, not the least of which is protecting my and my children’s privacy because of the work I do.

    Enjoy!

    And have a good day Sirens!
    Aurora
    xo



  247.  #247Aurora Girl on February 13, 2012 at 3:41 am

    Francesca
    I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get a call. That can feel lonely….and sure can spill over into everything else.

    I hope the feeling can shift for you……and that the day looks brighter.
    xo

    I think BW has a point….sometimes the timing of our posts and the responses are hit and miss…….for me it’s 6am and for others at the other side of the world….it’s evening and bed time….

    for myself I usually post something positive around this time of day because I start my day and it’s one way to start it in a good feeling no matter what happened yesterday. I don’t always see much activity…..I know our European friend are approaching noon, at work etc.

    But we’re all here at some point…….off and on….

    and I like reading your comments by the way.

    xo
    Aurora



  248.  #248Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 3:45 am

    Girls,

    Thank you for your support. I’m not afraid to be loved. I want it more than anything. I’m afraid to be played. To be told sweet things just to get me agree to something. To my statement he first replied: I said ‘I think’. Then he said: you can’t really plan these things. There can be a hurricane, a snowstorm and plus if you cook a meal for me it still doesn’t mean this would happen for sure. (we decided that I’ll cook dinner for him next Sat and he will stay).

    I texted him last night once I got home: I feel warm and smiley. and moved

    No response.



  249.  #249Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 3:55 am

    It’s Lolit. I am changing my Siren name so I can feel more powerful and in control. Siren Angel is my Siren Statement name and has been since last summer.

    Can someone change it for me in the FB doc?



  250.  #250Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 3:57 am

    Siren Angel, ok just realized I can change it myself, I did.



  251.  #251Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 3:59 am

    It seems the stars where not aligned right last night for many Sirens… Hoping today will feel much better xx



  252.  #252Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 4:03 am

    Hiiiiiiiiiii!!

    I feel soo excited about telling you about my night with ATW!! I don,t have time because I’m running late for work… 🙁

    Maybe on my way to work or later today.

    xoxo Sirens



  253.  #253Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Starla re.221:

    Thank you. I do the drop to your knees tool in extreme cases, maybe I should do it more often. Once of the last times was at 2am on my kitchen floor after I woke up in a total panic. I do feel better afterwards, it is like it puts us in contact with a higher being for some comfort and direction and even clarity.

    Thanks for reminding me.



  254.  #254Francesca on February 13, 2012 at 4:07 am

    I think I will just go back to just reading the posts and not comment.

    I feel invisible anyway, so what’s the difference?



  255.  #255Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:07 am

    Memulo, Why did you tell him in advance you would sleep with him next weekend?

    I am sure you can think of something to catch up on what you said in your next FM.



  256.  #256Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:10 am

    Francesca,

    You did MUCH better than me! If that can be of any comfort…

    I called him 3 times, no answer! 2 times home and once on his cell after a very ‘blah’ text from earlier in the day.

    Don’t worry, I’m sure you are fine.



  257.  #257Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Francesca, I am sorry you do not feel supported here.

    Aurora Girl answered you in 243.

    I think last night we all had man issues and were posting away and then this morning.

    (((FRANCESCA))))



  258.  #258Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Jilly re. 223, thank you.

    I am learning.



  259.  #259Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:17 am

    Jilly, I meant re. 225, thank you.



  260.  #260Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:18 am

    I have to go drop off my little one at school. Be back later this morning.



  261.  #261Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Thank you all Sirens for being there for me.



  262.  #262T-Girl on February 13, 2012 at 4:31 am

    You guys sure have been busy over the weekend – I don’t think I will ever be able to catch up!

    J and I celebrated Valentine’s Day the entire weekend. It was so nice but now it is back to work! No time to catch up.



  263.  #263Francesca on February 13, 2012 at 4:35 am

    I don’t feel supported here at all.

    I see other sirens writing about their successful relationships and getting encouragement or congratulations.

    I’ve asked questions to a couple of sirens and never got any answers.

    What’s the use of me trying hard to connect if no one else is connecting with me, unless I give advice?



  264.  #264Francesca on February 13, 2012 at 4:39 am

    So this will be my last post for now.

    I might come back and post one day, I don’t know.

    ATM, I don’t feel like writing anymore.



  265.  #265Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 4:44 am

    Hi Francesca

    It often happens to me too when I post in the morning. Most of us are in Canada or US and I guess they just come on the blog to say hi and have to run for kids, work, etc.

    I would try to repost at a more busy time (evening?) if I was you.

    Please don’t leave us!!!

    PS If I had time I would go read your posts and help you, but I’m late for work. xoxo



  266.  #266Celeste on February 13, 2012 at 4:49 am

    So my bf feels weird having to contact me all of the time and he is asking me if I can start initiating a little bit more as well..

    Is it “wrong” to say: “I feel a little afraid when I initiate contact. I feel scared of feeling ignored.”

    It’s sort of needy, but it’s the truth. What I originally wanted to say was that I feel afraid that he might become disinterested in me and that he won’t contact me back as much… But it didn’t seem like a good feeling statement. It just really boils down to feeling ignored. Plus, I don’t want to say “you”.

    How can you be honest about your feelings of neediness without the result of him pulling away?



  267.  #267Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 4:51 am

    I guess I posted too late… 🙁



  268.  #268Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Francesca, I will be happy to respond to your posts when I am on the blog.



  269.  #269Peaches on February 13, 2012 at 5:14 am

    ((((((((((((Francesca))))))))))))

    I hope you’re ok 🙂



  270.  #270Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 5:27 am

    (((Memulo))),

    RE: #220 – I thot I was the only one who said things then regretted it. 🙂 Sorry that happened to you.



  271.  #271Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 5:28 am

    So update on my date with ATW… I do feel afraid to be judged on not being super sireny or on being easy… Please don’t judge me or say anything that will make me feel regretful. I don’t feel regretful right now. I feel strong…

    When he got to my place, he kissed me on the cheeks… and two seconds after started kissing me like horny-crazy on my lips and in my neck. What a change! One week ago he didn’t even kiss me on our date?!?

    By the way I was afraid to feel angry because he was late and I felt trapped (go see post 60-something from yesterday) but no, when he got here, all the anger was already gone, I was just feeling happy and smiley and melty and laughing.

    So I was just there while he was kissing me gigleing and laying backband he kept kissing me.

    We watch a movie and we ordered Thai food and wecuddled all night under the blankets. It was pretty cute and sweet.

    I wanted to say something about sex, something like “I don’t feel ready, I want to take my time, I don’t want to start where we left 6 months ago” but I felt so nervous that I was just laughing while saying it and he laughed too and turned it as a joke and said something like “No we’ll never have sex anymore, sex is d*rty anyway”. Lol

    But later, since he was going to sleep over and that I would probably not be able to help myself, I decided that I was Ok with sex (I really was) and told him very seriously (but very shy) that I feel bad when I have sex with someone and I don’t hear from him for several days after. That it makes me feel worries and unworthy and sad.

    So he apologized and looked really sorry and said yes I understand and this is when I decided to go further..

    And well… Ya know what happened…

    Hehe but he was cute all night, asked me to sleep naked so he can feel my body and cuddled with me and moved to stay close to me everytime I was moving. 🙂

    And he even gave me 5$ this morning so I can buy myself a coffee because I said I was still tired…

    I feel like we did a big step last night. Not only because we’ve slept together, but just everything! But there’s definitely more work to be done.

    And I think he is surprised by my cool and go with the flow and no angry and no begging attitude. Hehe 🙂



  272.  #272Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Ohhhh I feel afraud of the oxytocin withdrawal tomorrow…



  273.  #273Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Yeah Lizka! I’m so happy for you! 🙂



  274.  #274Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 5:53 am

    Thank you Siren Angel!!!!!!



  275.  #275Mochaberri on February 13, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Happy Morning!!

    I wish to ask for some feedback on this – if a woman has given a man an ultimatum – not intnentionally it was out of anger of constant arguing about the same thing and he continues to stay in contact – what does that mean?



  276.  #276Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 5:58 am

    hi Mochaberri, What kind of ultimatum, if I may ask? How did you deliver the ultimatum?



  277.  #277Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Emmie go ahead and write. Try to focus on the feeluings of each experience. Go ahead and cry also when you are writing it can be healing. No need to be scared about anything you write, I would just make it flow freely. Then when you are done you can go over it again to see where you are blamey towards him, beating yourself up, criticizing yourself or angry at either of you. When you identify these patterns you can go deeply into yourself to get more feelings and try to change these.



  278.  #278Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Lizka,

    Yay! I’m glad it went well! I’m happy you had a good time! Go, Siren!



  279.  #279Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Mochaberri I would assume because that is what he wants to do. Or he might have experienced your ultimatum and anger as you setting boundaries. If the argument comes up again I would tell him I don’t want to argue with him and just drop it by changing the subject. I would also explore my feelings to see how my anger makes me feel and try to put that into words.

    It is my belief that a mature man who wants to be in a relationship will not be scared off by anger but could be scared off or intimidated by an ultimatum. If I were you I would not worry about it because it is already done. However, I would want to be clear about my feelings so that I could share that if I need to.



  280.  #280Emmie on February 13, 2012 at 6:13 am

    thank you femininewoman, i have been crying for the last 2 hours, but im am feeling good about it too, feeling relief!



  281.  #281LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 6:19 am

    270:

    Hi Mochaberri,

    To me, it means nothing.

    I gave D ultimatums, he kept in constant contact…and kept redoing the same thing over and over again.
    Ultimatums don’t work. Anyway, they didn’t for me even if the guy stuck.

    FMs work better than ultimatums anytime!



  282.  #282LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 6:20 am

    270:

    Mochaberri,

    He may remain in contact and stick around, but he may also do stuff to prove to you that you have no control over him.

    That’s how D reacted to my ultimatums.

    Ultimatums feel controlling.



  283.  #283Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 6:22 am

    RE 236 Francesca you are not the only one. I was expecting to be taken out, but instead got stood up with no call even to cancel. The thing is I am using the experience to talk to myself and stop the monkeys in my brain. I am staying conscious to use the experience to lift my vibe and to believe that love is coming towards me. I am choosing to believe that it will be made up to me in a big way tomorrow. But I am committed to not saying anything about it as I want to use my mind and my emotions instead, no matter what happens.



  284.  #284LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 6:24 am

    270:

    Hi Mochaberri,

    It means nothing.

    I gave ultimatums to D, and he kept in contact and stuck around.
    But he constantly did things to prove to me that I couldn’t control him.

    Ultimatums feel controlling and trapping.

    FMs work better than ultimatums anytime.



  285.  #285Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 6:25 am

    That’s good Emmie. Writing is really therapeutic and can also to help your moods to shift so I would write my heart away if you feel moved to write.



  286.  #286LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 6:26 am

    279:

    Sorry for repeating, my previous posts were not showing.
    I hit refresh and they disappeared.
    This blog can act funny sometimes.



  287.  #287Peaches on February 13, 2012 at 6:32 am

    277

    Yes – I found that too LiliBee….exSW did the same….shame that..it could’ve been good 🙁



  288.  #288LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Woohooo!

    Enjoying the single life! 🙂

    My long lost friend (I’ll call her LL) just texted me.
    Her brother is inviting us over for fondue on Saturday, then going out dancing.
    He’s 1 year older than me and single.
    She says heeee’s a faithfull man.
    (Her man also left her for another woman).

    He lives 1 1/2 hours away…so if it “clicks” with him, I would still have plenty of room to cd!!!

    The possibilities are endless! 🙂



  289.  #289LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 6:38 am

    282:

    Well Peaches,

    You learned about ultimatums now.
    Next man will feel good w you when you express yourself in FMs instead of ultimatums.
    That last relationship may be the one that gives you the growth spurt you need to have and keep a better man.



  290.  #290Mel on February 13, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Francesca,

    It feels lonely when you “expect” a call and it doesn’t happen. I so get this. We women like consistency and so it feels a little like we’ve been forgotten when our men don’t keep in touch like we would hope.

    The problem is in the expectation though. This is what causes me the most grief in my life, not even just with relationships. I am really trying to heal this and let go of any expectations I may have on the actions of others.

    Sometimes, when I am feeling a little sad about not hearing from someone important, I ask myself… how would it feel if I were “expected” to do something? The answer is usually resentful or resistant.

    Instead, I am trying to change my “story” about this and just choose to believe that the person is busy, but thinking about me in their hearts. And usually this is very true. Without fail, when I let it go, and shift my energy, I get the contact I had been craving.



  291.  #291Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Feminine Woman…@278 I loved that post…wow…that feels great to hear. To practice using that time to lift your vibe and stop the monkeys and know that more love is coming your way…I love it!! 🙂



  292.  #292Mel on February 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Lilibee,

    ooooh, a toy! I want one!! 🙂



  293.  #293Mel on February 13, 2012 at 7:20 am

    I feel curious…

    How do we avoid leaning forward and over-functioning, when the “love language” of a man is acts of service?



  294.  #294Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Francesca…please don’t leave 🙁

    sometimes I feel ignored and unseen…but even that can be healing for us here on the blog…to be able to express that to each other in feeling messages…and you were able to express that here…wow…that’s great…



  295.  #295Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Lizka…wahoo!! sounds like great practice, being aware of how you feel in the moment and then you expressed that part of not liking when you don’t hear from a man after sex…when would that have happened before Rori?? yay 🙂 (maybe it would have…I’m just guessing 🙂



  296.  #296Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Lilibee..you sound so good!! 🙂

    Siren Angel…I love the new name!!



  297.  #297Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Emmie,

    RE: #240 – Rori recently had a guest post here in the autumn by a grief counselor. She does NOT recommend just plunging into past pain with nothing to fall back on. I don’t know if you can afford a professional right now, but I had an introductory free 20 minute session with her, and she is FANTASTIC! Rori doesn’t steer us wrong!

    I highly recommend Emily VanHorn. What I liked about her approach is she disagrees with just delving up old hurts from the past with no cushion to fall back on. She had me create a safe place in my mind, somewhere I could go to feel good over and over as we entered the pain. I chose the feelings I had from a dream where I was swimming in safety with whales and dolphins! She had me pause each time I entered the safe thought, to fully feel the feelings of beauty, comfort, and safety there, feeling it throughout my body.

    Here is the article Rori posted November 10, 2011:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/clear-old-trauma-and-make-room-for-love-with-emily-van-horn/

    Here’s a great guest post from my dear friend Emily Van Horn. Emily does an amazing healing technique called Somatic Trauma Resolution Therapy – and I’ve worked with her on my own stuff in her office before, and referred many women to her. We all swear by her:

    by Emily Van Horn

    Have you noticed you’re still attracting the same guy or the same relationship issue time and time again?

    Or maybe you are unable to make close connections because of unconscious fear or anger?

    Sometimes our patterns are so deeply ingrained that for years we keep reliving the same scenario.

    So, what if you’re using all of Rori’s fabulous tools and still feel stuck? It could be that you’ve experienced some relationship trauma and you need some support in healing from it.

    When there is unresolved trauma, the body’s survival mechanisms can sabotage your relationships.

    Old issues get triggered and all of a sudden our fight flight freeze responses are getting set off. What can we do?

    The problem with healing from trauma is most of us have no idea how our own nervous systems work.

    I certainly didn’t before I began to explore the field of somatics. The good news is that no matter what’s happened in the past, we can heal by addressing what’s going on in the nervous system right now.

    When you change physiology, thoughts change, belief systems can change and patterns can unwind.

    When you release the charge, you won’t be attracting the same situations because you’ll be broadcasting a new frequency. How does it work?
    Here’s A Self-Healing Tip:

    Imagine doing something joyful (petting your cat, walking on the beach, playing your guitar, etc.) and simultaneously notice the sensations in your body.

    Subtle curiosity about your sensations in the moment will help take you out of the trauma vortex and you’ll start to feel more expansive. This gives the nervous system a rest and a chance to build resiliency.

    There’s more to it, but that’s a great exercise to practice.

    From Rori: If you want the relationship of your dreams, and you have some trauma patterns that you want to clear, I totally recommend Emily and a few sessions with her doing Somatic Trauma Resolution Therapy (STR).

    Emily’s been working with clients for 20 years, and her specialty is helping individuals heal from all types of trauma. She’ll work together with you to re-negotiate vs. re-live (these are VERY different experiences – re-living is painful – like in ‘talk therapy” -and have Emily work you through them – re-negotiate them feels like a wonderful RELEASE…).

    Emily teaches people how to (these are Emily’s words): Track physical sensations in a way that leads to discharging an over-activated nervous system, and results in feeling safe and empowered, improved relationships with others, and most importantly a better relationship with self.

    Emily says:

    I love working with Rori devotees because you have already been practicing connecting with your body and noticing sensations, which are key to the STR process. STR is an experiential. It’s much easier to demonstrate than to try and explain with words how it works. So, for all Rori’s readers, I’m offering a FREE 20 minute phone consultation. I invite you to experience what this feels like in your own body and get results now.

    From Rori: Take advantage of a free 20 minutes with Emily….you can reach her at this email address: emyvee@yahoo.com and take a longer look at what she does at http://www.EmilyVanHorn.com – I’d love to hear how Emily’s techniques worked for you!

    Love, Rori



  298.  #298Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Emmie,

    RE: #240 – Rori recently had a guest post here in the autumn by a grief counselor. She does NOT recommend just plunging into past pain with nothing to fall back on. I don’t know if you can afford a professional right now, but I had an introductory free 20 minute session with her, and she is FANTASTIC! Rori doesn’t steer us wrong!

    I highly recommend Emily VanHorn. What I liked about her approach is she disagrees with just delving up old hurts from the past with no cushion to fall back on. She had me create a safe place in my mind, somewhere I could go to feel good over and over as we entered the pain. I chose the feelings I had from a dream where I was swimming in safety with whales and dolphins! She had me pause each time I entered the safe thought, to fully feel the feelings of beauty, comfort, and safety there, feeling it throughout my body.

    Here is the article Rori posted November 10, 2011:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/clear-old-trauma-and-make-room-for-love-with-emily-van-horn/



  299.  #299Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Mel I truly don’t think we can avoid leaning forward all the time, especially when officially in a relationship. The question for me is how far I lean forward and vice versa with the leaning back. Also when the man knows that we are going to lean forward by us telling him or asking him if it is okay. The relationship is a dance and for me sometimes the circumstances require it. Finding the balance is where its at. As long as you can lean forward and still be in feminine energy like how Rori says we can lean forward to tell passion stories. Using a lot of feeling messages to share our heart and about our life.



  300.  #300LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 7:40 am

    287:

    Mel,

    lol… 😀

    Buzz patiently waits for me.
    He is always there when I need him.
    He is faithfull and devoted to only me.
    He always has a happy vibe when he sees me. loll.

    My friend got one from a gf on her 40th bday.
    Her man was not happy. He felt his manhood threatened.
    D had bought 1 just for me to use only once in a while when he was tired.
    But he insisted on keeping it at his place, to make sure I wouldn’t grow too attached to it and neglect him.
    Funny how men can feel threatened over a toy. lol.



  301.  #301Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 7:41 am

    I have decided to break-up with M. I just can’t take this anymore.

    he is posting pics of his wee with the kids and he was somewhere else with other kids.

    I feel pain.



  302.  #302Mel on February 13, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Thanks FW. This makes sense. I am thinking more about the doing things though. I know for a fact that One of Mr. A’s love languages is acts of service. So he really feels “loved” when people do nice things for him. But this is difficult because at what point does doing something nice like cooking dinner, helping out, etc. become over-functioning?



  303.  #303Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 7:43 am

    Hi Emmie – that feels funny to read: “organise a dog.”

    I think I know what you mean – you need to organize taking care of the dog. But I just think of literally “organising” a dog, and it sounds silly. Dogs are so disorganized! tehee!

    😀



  304.  #304Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Hi Lizka – I am glad you had a good time with ATW. I know you like him a lot! 🙂



  305.  #305Mel on February 13, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Lilibee,

    Funny! Mr. A has mentioned buying me a toy… He thinks it would be fun. Maybe I’ll get one for Valentines Day! LOL 🙂



  306.  #306Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 7:47 am

    I decided that I will not focus on ATW and not talk to anyone about him (except here). Thanks to sensual for the inspiration!

    xoxo



  307.  #307Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Jilly & memulo – I hear you.

    I probably would have said something “smart-*ss” and regrettable, too! lol. I do it all the time….

    I am trying to be less “smart-alecky,” but it just kind of comes out sometimes….



  308.  #308Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 7:49 am

    OOh, Mel #299 – very exciting! 😉

    I feel a little bit jealous, lol. But I’m glad you guys are having fun!!



  309.  #309Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Sirens,

    How do you break-up in a Sireny way?

    Do I tell him I feel bad he is not taking down his profile on Match? that I don’t see his kids anymore? that I feel left-out? That this is too painful? That I am growing and need to move on? That I don’t feel he will step-up and give me what I want? That I feel too far when we don’t talk? That I am considering dating other men? That I need MORE? So much more… That I feel like a regular booty call?



  310.  #310Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 7:56 am

    So, I’m still working with the B.S. with my parents, and how it’s affected my ability (or non-ability) to connect with people and have effective, satisfying, intimate relationships. It’s really frustrating. Because on the one hand, I want to take responsibility. And on the other hand, it’s not my fault.

    So here’s number 1: I was going to respond to Rori’s blog entry, which I found really helpful and useful. But it scared me to read that the first three descriptions of “the guy” actually really described me, to a T (haha).

    – I am conflict-avoidant because my parents scared and upset me with constant fighting when I was small and I regularly ran away and hid – I close up and want to run from conflict.

    – My family was all about fighting and verbal attacking was part of the environment, and I was included in the free-for-all – so I’ll get angry and punch back verbally (or physically) – and think that’s normal.

    – I was the peacemaker in an angry family – I’ll try to explain what happened and calm you down and keep the peace.

    I know that those are supposed to describe three different scenarios, but they are all true. Sometimes I ran away and hid (or wanted to). Sometimes I was included in the attacking, so I had to take part in it to defend myself. Sometimes (a lot of the time, as I remember), I was the peacemaker – staying out of “the fray,” and trying (usually unsuccessfully) to get everyone to just quit fighting already.

    Grrrr. I have such an unhealthy relationship with anger. It takes me over, and I can’t communicate it. I am angry that I’m angry. And I’m afraid to communicate it, because I am afraid of being hurt.

    I am afraid of being hated for being angry.

    ((((hugs to me))))



  311.  #311Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:01 am

    I am shaking.



  312.  #312Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Siren Angel –

    I’m not sure of the particular nature of your relationship with this guy. But since you are feeling all those things, and left out of his life and such, I think a pretty sireny way to do it would be to not tell him that you are going to, but to simply start seeing other men. You don’t have to sleep with them. Just go on dates and flirt and have fun. This is why we do CD-ing anyway. It shifts our vibe, so that we don’t *have* to tell our men – they’ll pick up on it, and start feeling more attracted to us.

    It might feel rude not to tell him. And you could certainly construct some FMs, if you are going to talk to him. But “breaking up” may not be necessary. By just focusing on you, and what you want, he gets to be included in that, if he wants to be, or not. It ends up being HIS decision, which is what you want anyway. What you are talking about almost sounds like you want to “convince” him of your point of view, which right now is that you want to break up, but that’s really to convince him to give you what you want.

    Does that make sense to you?

    I think what I’m talking about is leaning back and being super sireny by not making a big deal out of it. And if you do it that way, without “breaking up,” then you leave room for him to actually change his behavior, and maybe surprise you by coming toward you and bringing you into his life!

    What do you think??



  313.  #313Mel on February 13, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Siren Angel,

    Have you already communicated your boundaries around being in an intimate relationship with someone who still has a dating profile up? I remember writing to you about this a few weeks ago.



  314.  #314Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Tiffany, thank you. Yes, that makes total sense. Except now I am convinced he is sleeping with me but seeing someone else he has included in his life with the kids. This feels horrible.

    I want to smack his head off. BOTH HEADS!!!



  315.  #315Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Siren Angel also most times if you tell a guy you are going to break up with him, he likely agrees with you and you end up feeling bad afterwards. Many a man will upgrade himself when he realizes that you are not chasing him, breaking up with him or begging him anything, especially if all you are doing is accepting dates with other men.



  316.  #316Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Gosh. You know, I am so good at everyone else’s relationships but my own. lol!

    Here’s the number 2 thing I was going to say:

    last night, I was reading on an interesting self-help/parenting site about attachment disorders in kids. Here’s how they describe it:

    “Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, an ad a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe an alone.”

    The attachment disorder results from and “insecure bond” with the primary caregiver in early life.

    🙁 That sounds like meee…… :(:(:(

    I feel sad…….and alone and unlovable.

    I feel like I can’t be happy, or lovable, or cute enough to be lovable. My insecure bond came from never knowing if my needs were going to be met or not. And I know this, because it wasn’t only in infancy, but through my entire childhood that I experienced this. How painful. And how destructive that I want so much to trust now, but that I feel sad that I don’t know how…

    🙁



  317.  #317Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Mel,

    Yes we had the conversation about exclusivity first 2 weeks ago and he said we were exclusive.

    I brought it back up last week to make sure this included dating and told him I fet bad about the profile. He said he would take the profile down, then said he would wait for the 1 month subscription to run out… I did not want to insist. I told him I had also had a profile up when we were not together but had removed since we are back and exclusive. He said he liked one contact on match, but then was not interested anymore and that besides ‘she does not date non-divorced men’.

    I am feeling he is keeping contact with her and maybe doesnt consider play dates with the kids as dates???!!!!

    Also, he never answers my phone calls anymore but keeps seeing me. We usedto always talk every night.

    This feels horrid.



  318.  #318Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Thank you everyone who replied to my posts. Answering a question on why I told him I would do it next Sat – before our kissing at his place took a dramatic turn I said that I want it to be special 😉 So we started making plans on how to make it happen.

    He replied this morning to my text: I feel warm and smiley. and moved’

    with: ‘That sounds good, but I’m not sure what moved means’



  319.  #319Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:12 am

    I feel like calling him and asking what the F is going on… I hate him right now.



  320.  #320Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Two of the pics taken at different times has the same kid. One of them is taken with the boy in PJs at his place!!! the other in a kitchen I don’t know, same little boy. I think he is seeing someone else with kids and they sleep over.



  321.  #321Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 8:23 am

    Siren Angel – feel the anger!! 🙂

    I agree with FW, because that’s been my experience, too. If you say you want to break up, they say “Okay” because they want to give you “what you want.” And then you feel like poo. Because you don’t really “want” to break up with him. You want to be included in his life with the kids…I know how you feel. Really.

    I also agree with Memulo. Maybe you could try not sleeping with him for a while? Even without attaching it to the Match profile, you could just say that you don’t feel very close to him right now, and you’d feel better having sex when you feel close and connected. But still stay open to talking to him when he does contact you….sounds really frustrating.

    I know how you feel, because I always feel that there is a lot that K is not telling me about his life. I want to be included and I want to know more…part of it is that I want a good family, and mine is disjointed and unsatisfying. I don’t think K has any way to understand this, even when I try to tell him. I feel alone and afraid, and I want people to connect with, not just him. He may feel this as “needy.” But I also know that he needs his space, and he needs time to connect with his family, because they live so far away in another country. And so I am jealous that they are visiting him here for a while. But I suppose that this is something that just needs to happen for him right now.

    I wish I could meet his parents. Before, I said that I didn’t want to. But now I really do want to. I want to meet his whole family. I want to meet his whole, big, crazy Indian family. But that would be such a huge deal, since I am white, and it’s usually pretty tricky for Indians to date white girls, and probably tricky, even if we are just “friends.” But then again, maybe I am just making up the story that it could never work, because of one friend I know who had a disastrous experience with that. It’s really too bad. But maybe what happened with her doesn’t describe the whole of experience.

    All I know is, after I got off the phone with K yesterday, it felt as good or better than if I had just gotten off the phone with a close member of my family. Better than my parents, definitely. More like one of my family members who makes me feel supported and loved. Even though he didn’t do or say anything to make me feel that way. It was just nice to hear his voice and talk and joke and have a nice time.

    I guess if I made him jealous or upset by seeing photos of me with another (Indian, haha) guy, then that has to just all be part of the plan. I can’t know that I am on the wrong path. For all I know, I may be on the right one that’s going to get me where I want to go, for sure…as long as I follow it and stay with my intuition.

    I may not be able to trust people, or things, or the universe, which is big and scary. But I can always trust my intuition. And that feels good…..



  322.  #322Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:25 am

    OMG!!! He always posts photos to all his friends. But this album says ‘each photo has it’s own privacy setting’. Means he may be hiding some photos all of a sudden!!!

    I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW



  323.  #323Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Lizka and I are related!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooo! We just realized we are from the same (fantastic! 🙂 French bloodline! This is so cool!

    Hey couz!



  324.  #324Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Siren Angel with the way your vibe is I would not be surprised if he suspects that you are cyberstalking him and is doing those things on purpose. Nobody I know likes to be controlled or told what they should be doing in their lives. I understand your feelings because I have been there. Now that I am cdating I mostly don’t get those feelings.



  325.  #325Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Thank you Tiffany.

    I am exhausted with this situation.

    I feel like he is laughing straight in my face posting these pics and not calling and answering.



  326.  #326Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Siren Angel #311 – what does “non-divorced” mean? Is he separated?

    All of this sounds very complicated.

    You should be able to know and trust that your man is being straight with you, and he’s not, from what I can tell. It could be that he’s not ready to commit, but he’s not able to articulate that right now. It could be anything.

    Again, I think the thing to do for yourself is to stop trying to “resolve” it with him – because he will continue to say the things he thinks he needs to say to keep you in his life, while doing whatever it is he darn well pleases. Stop calling him, because that makes you feel bad. maybe his his FB posts so you’re not tempted to look. And just put your Match profile (or whatever profile) back up, and start dating, sister!

    Seriously. I wouldn’t say a word about it to him, unless he asks. Because you want him to ask *you* for exclusivity, not the other way around…

    Hugs. (((SA))))



  327.  #327Mel on February 13, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Siren Angel,

    I think if you want to continue with this man, you will have to choose to trust and believe him. Men do what they want. If he told you he wants exclusivity, believe him.

    If he takes the kids for a playdate… you can choose to believe that he is with another woman behind your back, or you can choose to believe that he is a good father that wants his kids to socialize and be happy. Is there any way to even know who he was with? Maybe it was just some children from school or neighborhood friends. Does it even matter?

    If what is really bugging you is not being included in the childrens’ lives, can you choose to be patient for a bit longer? If not, and this is a deal breaker, write some FMs about how you feel left out… etc. and post them here and we can help you tweak them.

    What do you think?



  328.  #328Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Tiffany, yes I want ‘him’ to want to be with me and only me. But this is downright ridiculous.. too many things don’t add up. I think the girl he met on match and has kids and he’s playdating until his divorce is finalized in a few months and sleeping with me in the meantime. I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW.

    I want to SCREEAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM



  329.  #329David on February 13, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Femininewoman thank you
    how would i go about asking her….send the link to the website…i know she’ll say no or not even reply to me…even if she did join…i’d be very surprised…and still didnt wanna try things out again with me…i’d be very sad but as long as she was happy…she’s very stubborn…but on the other hand, if i would help her to understand more..that would be the best i can hope for 😉



  330.  #330Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Siren Angel I believe he is just being a man. If we sleep with them they take what they can get. Why wouldn’t he? Hating him is just hurting yourself. The hatred is like cancer in your bones.



  331.  #331Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:37 am

    Mel and Tiffany, some of the pics are hidden. He is hiding something!



  332.  #332Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:40 am

    David if I were wearing your shoes I would initiate a conversation first. A lawyer can’t represent someone in court unless the person wants the help. During the conversation you might be able to gauge how open she is to receiving your help/recommendation. Otherwise it could come across as you trying to fix her because she is broken or has something wrong with her.



  333.  #333Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Tiffany re.320

    Yes, seperated about 1 year and a half, awaiting final custody and divorce.



  334.  #334Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Wehave been together just over 1 year. Met on match in Jan 2011.



  335.  #335Mel on February 13, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Siren Angel,

    Maybe the pics are hidden from his ex and that’s why they have individual permissions? Especially if they are going through a custody hearing… Just trying to show you that there could be another explanation.



  336.  #336Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hi ,

    Do you value yourself and your time? When you affirm that you are valuable and that you have value, the Universe will affirm it as well.

    Go inward for a minute and tell yourself, “I have value.” Say this over and over so that you really start to feel what it feels like to value yourself. When you feel your sense of value, tell the Universe, “Thank you.”

    This will put you in a space of abundance and your outer reality will start to reflect it as well.

    Enjoy your day!

    Much love,

    Christy Whitman



  337.  #337Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Hi ,

    Do you value yourself and your time? When you affirm that you are valuable and that you have value, the Universe will affirm it as well.

    Go inward for a minute and tell yourself, “I have value.” Say this over and over so that you really start to feel what it feels like to value yourself. When you feel your sense of value, tell the Universe, “Thank you.”

    This will put you in a space of abundance and your outer reality will start to reflect it as well.

    Enjoy your day!

    Much love,

    Christy Whitman



  338.  #338David on February 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    not sure if i mentioned about the fact that i went to counselling to help me deal with my exgf b4 I’d met her…it was a great help…I’d go again…with her but, I know its not for everyone…



  339.  #339Starla on February 13, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Rori Raye 3rd way says you don’t need to dump him (ohh the drama, too!), you just need to start dating other men.

    No man realistically expects an exclusive claim to a shot at your heart without stepping up with the commitment and relationship you desire. He might grumble about it, but I’ve told every man this, and they all grumble… who cares? If he doesn’t like it, either he can stop asking me out, or he can step up and try to WIN my heart.



  340.  #340lk on February 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

    i feel really upset this morning but i’m tending to myself, breathing cypress & drinking hot water & doing stretches at my desk. i took an iron pill too, just for extra help this week : )

    poor lk… i feel exhausted… & sore…. & un-cuddled : ( sad girl this morning.



  341.  #341Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Sirens, can one of you that is on FB go to my timeline to March 2nd 2011 and tell me if the album (the little gray wheel when you go over it) says ‘Shared with:each photo has it’s own privacy setting’.

    ?

    Please.

    Thank you.

    This will let me know if M is hiding pics from me.



  342.  #342Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:49 am

    It’s a post of a mobile albmum of my kiddie skiing.

    I want to see if when you upload photos from mobile it automatically says that.



  343.  #343Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:51 am

    Mel, no, his ex is not in his friends at all and she is blocked.



  344.  #344Mel on February 13, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Siren Angel,

    He might not be hiding them from you….



  345.  #345Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Mel, he NEVER hides his pics, they are always to all friends.



  346.  #346Starla on February 13, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Everything is more than fine with me and CF right now… but I’m feeling disconnected. I’ve been so tempted to lean forward or overfunction or inquire if everything’s okay, but I know everything IS okay. We are still very much into each other, and it just takes a little time to heal from a super drama day like we had last week. I feel encouraged that we are both focusing on being positive together and not just staying in a pattern of drama like we fell into, and the positivity we’re experiencing now isn’t FORCED, but we are definitely choosing it.

    I COULD worry that he is talking to someone else he feels interested in. I COULD worry that he is having second thoughts about him and me. I COULD worry that he is telling his sisters or friends about our day of drama and they are encouraging him to stop seeing me. I COULD worry a million different things, and I could go as far as asking him about them to get comfort about these issues. But these are MY NV’s. My giving in to them and giving these negative worries power will just undermine all the positivity he and i have clearly committed to exhibiting.

    And I’m guessing this will all feel just as good if not better than ever in only a few days. Time moves so slow when you’re in love. A couple days of discomfort feels like the end of the universe.



  347.  #347Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 8:55 am

    David I believe I read that. It might even be used as a story to tell her how much you appreciated the counselling. Investing in oneself is a way to grow.



  348.  #348Mel on February 13, 2012 at 8:56 am

    It’s so funny… I find that whenever I’m thinking of someone (but not in a needy pine-y way) that they’re thinking of me too. That’s how the universe seems to work.

    I was thinking about my friend with BEEnefits this morning and decided to email him to see if he wants to catch a coffee and chat. He replied “I was just thinking about you! I’m so glad to get your email.”

    I feel happy to have a nice visit with a great guy friend. It helps keep me balanced.



  349.  #349Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Mel I love your idea of believing that the person is busy but is thinking of me in their heart. That so resonated with me so I am embracing it as one of my beliefs. It is something I can go to when my mind starts spiralling down. The thought feels so comforting.



  350.  #350Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 9:05 am

    David,

    So basically you are looking to reconnect with her…and you want her to find help for her issues, as well as forgive you for almost (but not actually) hooking up with other women?

    Are they your main two issues? I am coming from a place of having a lot of emotional damage, and I would be glad to give you some further advice on inspiring her to look for help. I don’t feel comfortable addressing it here, tho (complicated). So if you want, please feel free to email me at brendaearthlink@yahoo.com.

    You seem really sincere, and I think I can help you.



  351.  #351lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

    i want to just say… oh i actually feel a little afraid now going over…. because of the way it was set up …… it sounded scary when you were telling the story ! & i don’t like to feel scared…. & then i was surprised to hear that we were going anyway & the very next day ! how shocking ! ? & actually i feel a little busy too today so that is a little stressful, plus i feel only slightly ill & sensitive from my body doing so much work right now……….. & i want to say, yes, i would love to go to bed a little early …. & wake earlier …. to sit & kiss & cuddle & listen to music & tell jokes & do a bit of art ….. : )……… & i want to say oh actually i feel a bit sad & forgotten about Valentine’s Day….. i thought you said we would go to the German place… ? i feel a little confused now with you asking me what i want to do….



  352.  #352Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 9:07 am

    LOL, my boy energy wants to fix and help everyone! Sometimes I wonder if I am way over the top on this blog! LOL! I love myself radically and unconditionally!

    Hugs to overfunctioning Brenda!



  353.  #353Starla on February 13, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Sending so much love to me today



  354.  #354Starla on February 13, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Francesca, did you see all of the replies to you? You must have been in a bit of a funk, feeling all alone and wanting to express your frustration for it.



  355.  #355Starla on February 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Sending so much love to me and going with the flow as much as possible.



  356.  #356lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

    i feel super un-cared for right now. he packed me kale, hummus, & nuts for lunch. no fruit ? lk feels like sobbing right now.



  357.  #357Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 9:20 am

    lk are you being a spoiled brat? (sorry) I had to pack my own lunch.



  358.  #358lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

    (((lk))) feel so wimpy & weak.

    wonder how i can get the most done with this funky energy…

    feel like leaning forward & calling CD to make firm plans & share feelings… but he’ll contact me before i come home & i can tell him everything.

    i feel sad about valentine’s now… i thought we talked about it ! months ago !! why is he asking me now about it ? & i don’t think he’ll have a gift for me… kind of makes me feel teary. i feel almost like i’m setting him up for failure by not sharing that i feel scared but… : ( i guess he’ll buy me the other thing we were talking about & talking about going together…. we could go tonight, if he hadn’t made those plans that i don’t even really feel excited for, just a bit scared really : (



  359.  #359lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

    yes, fw, i am : ( i feel really really baby-ish right now



  360.  #360Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

    (((((HUGS lk)))))))))



  361.  #361Mochaberri on February 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

    @ Siren Angel #271 – the ultimatium was basically if we can’t talk about moving forward and discuss the plan to be together I don’t think we have anything else to talk about – I do not want to argue anymore about what happened to bring us to the place – we get no where and I’m tired of arguing over and over again with no resolution – this seems to be the only resolution – moving forward wihtout being in each others lives because I do not want to be friends.



  362.  #362Starla on February 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

    It feels so good and encouraging to know that leaning back will address 90%+ of any relationship problem/weird dynamic I am experiencing.

    it feels unnatural but it is the fastest way to damage control and turning things around.



  363.  #363lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

    i’m crying actually. just thinking how sad & how disappointing all of it

    i wonder how i would feel if i just took a quick walk to do some jump rope ?

    lunch thing – very silly. fw says your a “spoiled brat,” lk. you better listen.

    valentine’s – you better tell him what’s up.

    weird dinner plan tonight – whatever. we’ll see. i’m a lovely gentle princess of avalon with an ocean of magic & an atmosphere of omniscience.

    hugs ? no hugs ? i don’t know. i don’t even really know if i can trust your description of this event, due to the rushing chemicals flooding my body



  364.  #364David on February 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

    hey brenda…you get my message 😉



  365.  #365lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

    awww thanks, femininewoman : )))



  366.  #366Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Mochaberri it could feel like a harsh demand telling him what to do because men like to be in charge of their life and their domain. They like things to be their idea. Also you might be way ahead of him on the relationship timeline. In such cases I have learned to at least try to drop the expectations and go full speed into cdating. It helps to keep me sane.



  367.  #367Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

    lk it is the expectations that might be getting to you. I know it is almost impossible to drop but when I (men) do things without the feeling of obligation, it is priceless.



  368.  #368Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 9:41 am

    OMG….Rugby man just texted saying he is coming home tonight and wants to see me and asked if we could get together 🙂

    I feel smiley and giddy….I didn’t ruin it…

    I replied…”yay…I feel happy about that…I do want to see you :)”



  369.  #369Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

    k heading up to catch up on the blog 🙂



  370.  #370Starla on February 13, 2012 at 9:44 am

    have awesome ideas for a fun, stress-free valentines day (as CF and I agreed) but just fighting the urge to lean forward and overfunction

    i have a Groupon to a German restaurant that CF would enjoy. Or it would feel fun to get hot dogs and sodas.

    I made him a construction paper valentine:)



  371.  #371Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Starla…@356 I know…I love knowing this also…even if it feels uncomfortable at least I know what to DO…and NOT to do 🙂 I feel happy knowing this…



  372.  #372Mel on February 13, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Really interesting convo…

    Mr. A: “Next time I want to do ______ can you please remind me how I really don’t want to and how I will regret it later?”

    Me: “Um… actually that would feel really yucky and naggy to me. I don’t want to be a ‘know-it-all’ and feel all controlling and like I’m telling you what you shouldn’t do. That would feel horrible.”

    Mr. A: “Awwww… actually, I really appreciate that. I like how you think.”



  373.  #373Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

    David,

    RE: #359 – Yeah, I emailed you. Thanks!



  374.  #374LiliBee on February 13, 2012 at 9:51 am

    295:

    Siren Angel,

    When I was in the exact same spot you are now last fall. This is what I said to D:

    “I don’t feel good in this relationship. I feel tense, uptight, sad and lonely most of the time.
    I can’t keep feeling that way anymore.
    I need to get myself back, get my confidence back.
    You’re happy with the way things are and that’s OK, but I’m not.
    I feel lost and disconnected, I need to reconnect with myself.”

    I regret not having kept to that.
    He kept coming at me begging for me to take him back.
    I took him back hoping things would change.
    He tried hard, but I couldn’t forget and forgive.
    I kept being paranoid and suspicious.
    I just kept focusing on him and being too attached to him, like my happiness depended solely on him.

    Would you feel OK to act so quickly to end it?
    I know it would have been better for me to not take him back and break up, bc that is the only way I could have broken away from that needy obsessive pattern and focus on recentering myself.

    Something finally happened to pull me away from him. It’s the only way I could have really recentered myself and focus only on ME.
    Breaking away from him was the only way for me to stop obsessing and take care of ME.

    I am learning and growing exponentially from that relationship and feel very grateful for that.
    I’m looking forward to many activities and connecting more w people other than him.



  375.  #375Mochaberri on February 13, 2012 at 9:53 am

    @ FW #274 – Thank you for your feedback. I rememb er when it happened about a month back you advised me not to offer an ultimatium however after such a heated debate I became overwhelmed and it came out as such – it was not intnentional at all. As far as him hearing my boundaries being set for some reason I don’t think he takes them seriously or he makes light of them. He called me back after I spewed the ultimatium out and wanted to confirm that I was saying that I didn’t want him to call me anymore. I was able to do damage control and let him know that I do not want to keep arguing about the same thing over and over again – it gets us no where and leaves me feeling frustrated and angry and that I don’t want to feel that way with him.
    I am constantly telling him how I feel through FM’s – remember he said to me that I sure feel a lot?? As far as arguing about the same thing over and over again – I definitely do bring it to fruition – in fact I’m leaning really far back – if we talk it’s because he has called me – I no longer initiate anything. When we do talk, in my mind I time the conversation so that it doesn’t go too long allowing something sarcastic to be said on either part and end up arguing. And I have practiced changing the subject or saying that I feel uncomfortable about the direction I feel the conversation may go and get off the phone.



  376.  #376elle on February 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I have to say that I feel the same exact way the francesca feels. I read all of the posts, but find it useless to actually post because I also have never gotten a response. I have seen this comment from other people more than once.

    I realize that most of you have been communicating with one another for a very long time, but it would feel a lot better for the rest of us if we could also share and feel like we were heard.

    I do get a lot out of the posts here by just reading, but there are times when it would really feel good to be comfortable with posting and getting some feedback from others.



  377.  #377Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Mel!!!! WOW…nice…I loved that…thank you for sharing 🙂 you have really blossomed here…feels so good to see and read 🙂



  378.  #378lk on February 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

    thanks, femininewoman! i think you’re right, & if i can just drop the expectations & flow in the moment, that will feel better.

    i feel bad around issues of jealousy & pride inter-mixed right now…. like…. i’m imagining myself as Higher Status & i feel a bit better. but i don’t Believe in “Higher Status” ? so… ?

    i bet it feels good to him to get a bit of attention…. & i trust him to make me feel Chosen….

    at the same time, i feel super messed up right now hormonally & i don’t really trust myself to Sail Smoothly



  379.  #379Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

    LiliBee, thank you.

    When you say:
    ”When I was in the exact same spot you are now last fall. This is what I said to D:

    “I don’t feel good in this relationship. I feel tense, uptight, sad and lonely most of the time.
    I can’t keep feeling that way anymore.
    I need to get myself back, get my confidence back.
    You’re happy with the way things are and that’s OK, but I’m not.
    I feel lost and disconnected, I need to reconnect with myself.”

    That is when he wanted you back?



  380.  #380Jilly on February 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Elle…I love it when you post 🙂 I have asked about you..but thought maybe you didn’t see the post…on the last thread



  381.  #381mali on February 13, 2012 at 9:59 am

    @ 144- Lolita

    I understand <3 I don't remember reading that you'd written about calling him… but calling a man is initiating, and it's something I only do when I feel "rockstar" and know I'm unattached to the outcome 🙂



  382.  #382lk on February 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

    CD is a really Good Man. i’m thinking of him sending out for me : ) & also of him saying, “no rxpe scenes” when the Neighbors were going to play a movie. aww i love him.



  383.  #383Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:00 am

    We Mochaberri it might be time to try something new. Have you tried not taking his calls, especially if you don’t care what happens?



  384.  #384Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:03 am

    (((((((((((Elle)))))))))))))

    Also remember that Rori doesn’t encourage advice giving.



  385.  #385Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Elle, I’m sorry you’re feeling ignored here, too. I remember seeing your name a lot and seeing people reply to you a lot, before you changed your name. It is hard for me to keep up with name changes, and I post here every day. Just imagine how tricky it must be for sirens who don’t post all the time like me.

    (((((((((Elle)))))))))



  386.  #386Mochaberri on February 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

    @ LiliBee #276 & 277 – I feel that when I first said it I felt relief that I had gotten a weight off my chest by saying it and then in the same token I didn’t intend to say it as an ultimatium – I got so emotionally wrapped up that I just lost control and said it – I just wanted the drama and the madness to stop immediately. And I was at the point that if you can’t open your heart to me again then move on and leave me alone for goodness sake!!! No need to argue about nothing – go your own way!!!!! I didn’t care if his feelings were hurt anymore or if it pushed him away.

    I agree that I needed to say it in a FM – I wasn’t thinking clearly – I was angry and frustrated that I was having this arguement yet again for the umpteenth time and explaining myself again for f’ing up and bringing us to this place.



  387.  #387Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Siren Angel –

    I haven’t read all your posts, Im at work an don’t have time, but I saw your questionning about the siren way to break up. Haven’t see what others have replied to you either so I might just be repeating…

    I think Rori talk about the “no closure”. If I was you, I wouldn’t close the door. I would just walk away, and SINCERELY stop thinking about it (I know personally I would keep joping but that’s not the way to do it). I would see other men and re think my life without him. If you leave the door open, he might decide to follow you, but don’t expect that and please don’t focus on that.

    Does that help?



  388.  #388Daria on February 13, 2012 at 10:09 am

    i notice i feel so furious and resistant/bracing and judgemental (that im being emotionally manipulated)

    and sad when people complain about not getting answers on here

    🙁

    i feel like im not being honored and seen myself

    i DONT WANT to be responsible for anyones feelings

    i DONT WANT to answer posts i dont feel drawn to

    i DONT WANT to be categorized as answering posts only from certain people

    I DONT WANT to feel pressured attacked shamed judged guilted manipulated

    the other thing is i use this blog for riffing, practice, and therapy – i havent been using it as a q and a service

    and i feel jealous and intrigued a bit that other people seem to feel entitled to responses

    i could benefit from such an attitude myself … with men

    hmmm

    like ok so what if it comes out coercive manipulative demanding pushy pressury unfair needy –

    i feel ignored!

    i feel like im not getting all that i deserve!

    i feel sad and angry!

    hmm

    that feels good to write



  389.  #389Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:12 am

    I am hitting my bliss ceiling right now, ladies…

    a guy who took nice care of me when I was in another city at 18 and all on my own down on my luck, no strings attached, has stayed in touch with me ever since I moved away. I told him I wanted some big-ass vday flowers delivered to my office, and now he’s asking where I work and what kind of flowers I like.

    I feel uncomfortable.

    I am going to sink deep into it and let this expand my bliss capacity.

    I love flowers.



  390.  #390FlowerChild77 on February 13, 2012 at 10:13 am

    #260/((((Francesca)))) Please don’t leave here. I understand how you must feel, but I can assure you it wasn’t/isn’t intentiona,l by any means.

    I have to go take care of some things but I will be back online this afternoon (hopefully 🙂 Tonight, for sure.)

    Just have a wee bit more patience….there is great love here for you. (To quote Abraham <3 )



  391.  #391Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Wowww and another guy I know just sent me something he made in photoshop, photoshopping a rose into the mouth of the singer of my favorite metal band and adding a personal message

    awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    i feel so adored.

    thank you universe

    bliss ceiling be damned.



  392.  #392FlowerChild77 on February 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

    BW…very cute pics of your daughter and her sparkly BD cake. 😉



  393.  #393FlowerChild77 on February 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

    BW—I forgot to say that I have a grand daughter who will be five in May. It’s SUCH a precious age. I wish it would last a bit longer. There is a sadness that she is growing up so quickly (selfish, I know!)

    I just wanted to say how blessed you are to have a child this age. Enjoy! <3



  394.  #394Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I feel guilty, CF made me my birthday present based off that band, by hand, and now another guy is doing it too for valentines day… i feel bad for CF, actually…. like… he is wonderful but if he doesn’t step up, there will be other guys to bring me the same sort of wonderfulness.

    this is a big triggery wonderfulness thing for me <3



  395.  #395Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:23 am

    wow, he really sent the flowers…they’re on their way to be delivered by tomorrow. and now i have this awesome custom valentine… and gosh, the universe has sent me THREE valentines admirers, thank you universe.



  396.  #396Daria on February 13, 2012 at 10:27 am

    and i feel this heat in my back and my buttocks tightening up when i read/hear/experience passive agressive stuff directed towards me

    i feel like a hot wave wash thru me and my face feels a bit hot on my cheeks

    my mouth feels filled with “heavier” air…

    the heat makes me feel lethargic

    🙁



  397.  #397Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:30 am

    ((( Daria )))

    I know you can heal how you receive “passive aggressive” stuff.

    Soon you will feel it but it won’t weigh on you at all. I am going through this myself slowly but surely getting there, sending you some of my healing <3



  398.  #398mali on February 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Day 22 (ohmygosh!)

    Universe, thankyou for all of your support.

    Thankyou for gifting me a man who I can depend on and who will even lend me money! I’m already worrying a little, because I don’t know how I feel about him, but I think I know how *he* feels about *me*… But wait: receiving, without overfunctioning 🙂

    Thankyou for giving me such a huge, loving heart. I love sending love to everyone I pass. I love the looks of surprise and confusion I receive as a result =)

    Thankyou for being you. You are divine, and I feel so safe knowing that you love me unconditionally. Thankyou.

    It’s Valentines Day. Wow. I can’t believe it’s come so quick! And I’m sitting across from MedCD, still feeling the happy surprise and appreciation and wonder at being in this position. (I knew you would deliver, Universe!)
    I’m leaning waaaay back, and soaking up the energy of his attention, knowing he’s mesmerised by my warmth and smile and confidence and femininity. And it feels so fun! It’s light, and the energy is flowing, and can I say that he’s so HANDSOME?! But can I also say that I can see how taken he is with me by the look in his eyes?! Ah, this feels like the sunlight warming me with its caress. I feel like a cat stretching lazily, basking in the attention of its master.

    A just made a comment about last year’s Valentines Day, and how different this feels, but in a good way. I feel very calm and centered, and the fear of being vulnerable has vanished… His smile is warming me, and I feel safe. Safe to speak intimately and authentically, and I can physically see him being drawn in… Oh, wow. This feeling of honey is running through me, and warming me from the inside out.

    Universe, thankyou for loving me. And for granting all of my wishes and desires. I love you!

    Mali x



  399.  #399Daria on February 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

    and now i feel guilty and bad cuz i see a lot of people offering compassion and support and warmth to the people i felt attacked by passive aggressively

    am i the only person that feels triggered by the passive agressive kinda communication… and shuts down my compassion… as a defense?

    i do “drop” my men early too if i notice any sign of that passive gressive stuff

    still some slip thru and it feels BAD to me

    i wonder how come no one acknowledges it?

    no one else feels bad?

    i want to heal this..



  400.  #400Daria on February 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

    thanks Starla – tell me more…

    i feel scrunchy face tight booty mad lol still



  401.  #401Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

    I feel bad that all these other guys are upstaging CF so far on valentine’s day, when CF is my official valentine, and I told CF not to do anything that would put pressure on the day for us (we had a hard time with our bdays, xmas, and new years, all within 1 week, we are people who do not deal with pressure well).

    I never asked these guys for anything and they’re giving it…but it was more complicated with CF… i don’t think this means anything but i do feel weird.



  402.  #402Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I agree with Daria post 382

    I wish I could read all the posts and answer to all of you but I feel ba and guilty when someone complains she’s no getting response. I don’t want to feel guilty for being busy doing my own things and being busy.

    And I understand that sometimes, people may not have time to reply to me. Sometimes they don’t and it’s fine with me. I am responsable for myself.



  403.  #403elle on February 13, 2012 at 10:35 am

    379 Starla. You must be thinking of someone else. I never changed my name and haven’t posted that much here at all. I have posted maybe 5 times but have never gotten a response.

    I know that Rori doesn’t encourage advice and I agree with that, but sometimes when I feel confused or just need a sounding board or someone to acknowledge that my feelings are normal, it would be nice to be able to share them and have some friendly encouragement.

    Maybe I am just feeling particularly needy today. I had a terrible weekend of overthinking everything between my guy and myself coupled with the fact that we kept missing each other on the phone all weekend. I am getting this terrible gut feeling that he is hiding something from me. Usually my gut feelings are pretty on target but I am so emotional the last few days I am not sure whether or not to trust myself.



  404.  #404Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Daria, no you’re not the only one. I felt the urge to scold her for being passive aggressive, too… but that’s not what she needs and it’s not what I need.

    We’re about love and compassion and self care here. No where does blaming and scolding on “principle” fall into that. Look for where the light is. It’s not that way.



  405.  #405Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:37 am

    397 elle, Lilybelly just changed her name to elle after going through a big transition with a guy. Oh the confusion!! <3 No wonder you feel invisible here!



  406.  #406Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

    I believe there are now 2 elle’s.



  407.  #407Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Starla I feel jealous!!

    It’s my dream to receive flowers at work!!! I have once and the feeling was amazing!! 🙂



  408.  #408Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:41 am

    One day there was two Starlas here, and I FREAKED out hehehehe oh man I did not feel comfortable.



  409.  #409Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

    elle always trust yourself. The feelings might be telling you that you need attention and when you don’t get it you feel bad. I would sink into myself and accept that to the point of being okay with sharing that in feeling messages.



  410.  #410Starla on February 13, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Lizka, the only person who ever sent me flowers before was my abusive ex when he needed to say sorry.

    After a while, I started giving the flowers away, lol.

    ohh universe, thank you for showing me that i am the prize! even though i feel low about drama i caused last week



  411.  #411elle on February 13, 2012 at 10:52 am

    maybe I should change my name to elle 2 so that it is less confusing.



  412.  #412Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Elle (Lilybelle) Please remember that the teleclass is today.



  413.  #413Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:55 am

    RE 405 just remember that you are likely to go into moderation when you first change.



  414.  #414Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Francesca and Elle,

    RE: #371 – You are MOST welcome here! I do not believe there is any kind of exclusivity or cliques going on here. I have been on the blog for almost 2 years, and I didn’t used to get many responses either. It is just like any relationship…as people get to know you, they respond more and become more involved in your life.

    I have observed that dynamic in many circles, and altho some other groups may be clique-ish, I do not believe that is what is going on here. It is just natural that friendships develop as people spend time together. So naturally I am quicker to respond to some than others.

    But I will speak for myself: I welcome all the new people here, and I have really been enjoying your presences here (both of you). I hope you join the Siren Island group on facebook, too! That will be an even better way for us to connect, because we can see each other’s pictures! It is really fun!

    Also, what I did and sometimes still do is if I have an issue or question and I get no response, I repost it, even 3 times if I need to. The fact is there is a lot to read here! I find it impossible to keep up with every single person here! But I care for each one. And I view each of you as sisters! (And men like David as brothers! Matter of fact, I am still friends with Jim who used to be here!)



  415.  #415Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 10:59 am

    (((((((((VW))))))))))) – sending healing vibes to your mom.



  416.  #416Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 11:00 am

    I replied to his text that I miss him and said I am thinking to take a day off so that we can spend time together till morning after our date on Thurs. that it maybe a better plan than Sat (since on Sat morning he is flying away on vacation with his son and parents). What does he think?

    That was many hours ago and I haven’t heard back.



  417.  #417Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Memulo I believe Rori teaches that we should not be making suggestions. It kind of inncuously put out there that their thinking is wrong or flawed. Suggesting that your plan was a better plan than his could cause him to unconsciously shrivel up. I know you did not mean to but we have to be careful to choose our words.



  418.  #418Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Francesca,

    RE: some of your posts were at 3 am or 6 am for the time of most of these Sirens in the US. I rarely get responses at that time.

    I have found that other times, people just don’t respond. Not everything I post gets a response. Matter of fact, right now I will repost the ones I was hoping for a response to yesterday that i didn’t receive (yet 😉 )



  419.  #419Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I wish I would receive flowers tomorrow for Valentine’s. I doubt I will. If I do I will be very very very surprised and I am not expecting that AT ALL!! ATW didn’t even know it was Valentine’s day when I told him this morning…



  420.  #420Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I had a very fun time “CD’ing” with my pastor last night! LOL! In a very fun way! And I mean this in all purity. His teenage daughter is in a band, and they had a pizza party to have an audience for their live recording, in order to make a demo.

    I went to support her, and the “audience” was asked to stand among the band and dance and cheer! I ended up beside the drummer, and next to my pastor! And the man whose house I stayed at last summer, D, was on my other side! It was a rip-raging hilarious situation to be in – hamming it up with my pastor and another community leader (D) in a recorded music video, LOL!

    I really had a blast, up until the point when I made my well-known social faux pas, which I am prone to make! And you know I don’t just do it a little bit. I really, majorly stick my foot in my mouth!

    I told him that he and another local pastor are my all-time favorite preachers. He asked me general questions about the other pastor, and I raved about what a wonderful person he is.

    Then I embarrassed myself royally! You know me and my explaining! I explained why I left the other pastor’s church, when I liked it so much…I confided that there was an attraction developing between us, and he was a married man, so I split.

    Then I felt slammed with embarrassment and mortification!

    I came back about 5 minutes later (we were talking off and on between video takes) and attempted damage control. I said, “I feel really embarrassed about what I told you.”

    He said, “About what?”

    I said, “You are too disarming for your own good.”

    He walked away. I have been trying (rather unsuccessfully) to fight the urge to beat myself up over this one! Here is is a sordid little moment in my past – I left the other church about 6 years ago. I had left that in the past, and here I, of all people, brought it up! Aaaaah! I guess there is nothing further I can do for damage control? Just suck it up and keep my distance from my pastor for a while, huh?

    I radically, unconditionally love myself anyway! And, other than that, it was a really fun event!



  421.  #421Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

    He prob just lost interest. Or loosing it as I type



  422.  #422Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Here is a question that the circus monkeys are nibbling at my mind…

    Ryan brings up our friendship now and then, and every time he does, he does it by text, phone, or at best, while I am driving or in the dark. I can tell he intentionally doesn’t want to talk about something so vital when we are face to face. My theory, as most of you disagree on, is that he doesn’t want me to see his real emotions (full of love for me) when we discuss it.

    How can I affect that scenario so that the only time we discuss our friendship is when we are face to face with no distractions (ie, driving)?



  423.  #423Starla on February 13, 2012 at 11:06 am

    411 FW I have personally experienced this a bazillion times, especially with CF who often doesn’t do so well with making plans. Yet, when I suggest, it damages things. If you have a guy like this, better to go with the flow and let him lead, and use feeling messages to express boredom and desires. If he is a great man, it is NOT worth trying to control your time together.



  424.  #424Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 11:10 am

    FW, Starla,

    I don’t know, I offered a new piece of information, i.e. that I can take a day off. He didn’t know it when we were making plans.

    Maybe I should have just not be so prudish last night



  425.  #425Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Memulo,

    RE: #411 – “I replied to his text that I miss him and said I am thinking to take a day off so that we can spend time together till morning after our date on Thurs. that it maybe a better plan than Sat (since on Sat morning he is flying away on vacation with his son and parents). What does he think?

    That was many hours ago and I haven’t heard back.”

    As an overfunctioner in process, I spot here a lot of overfunctioning boy energy…

    First, did you already have dates planned with him on Thu and Sat? If not, major overfunctioning. If so, still overfunctioning.

    For me, I try to remember that it is about the process of developing the relationship, not about the event itself. So offering to take a day off is big leaning forward boy energy unless he asks you. Or I would just choose to do it silently if I thot I would be too tired the next day and had the paid time off to take.

    By switching it from Sat to Thu, you are taking over planning it. Can you put it in feeling messages? Or maybe not address it at all, and let him take care of his plans with you to fit around his other plans.

    What do you think/feel?



  426.  #426Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Memulo I was responding to “that it maybe a better plan than Sat” in your comment 411 above. If you use these words then I could understand if he shriveled. I imagine that he could likely be focussed on his trip also.



  427.  #427Brenda on February 13, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Memulo,

    RE: #419 – I don’t see you as prudish last night. I see you fearing intimacy and having a hard time trusting. Can you give compassion to your weak parts?

    I don’t know fully the dynamics of your relationship, but if it were me, I would have followed up saying, “Yikes, I feel really embarrassed about the fear I expressed. I really freaked out when you said that last night. After I let it sink in, tho, I felt really warm and happy.”



  428.  #428Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 11:24 am

    303 Siren Angel –

    wow, how do you break up in a sireny way.
    or communicate all these feeling messages to him.

    I wouldn’t break up with him unless you have communicated these things to him and he isn’t stepping up.

    Have you in the past communicated any of these things with him, that you are sharing here?

    I am interested to hear other siren’s answers.

    I like Tiffany’s answer #306! And FW #309!
    Those answers seem to maybe help with my own rlsps too.

    Also Siren Angel, that sounds like it feels AWFUL! Esp not spending time with his kids and not calling everynight! That is how I feel where BF and I used to be in contact everyday! And it’s not like he doesn’t have time!! Even at work there is a lot of time where he could be chatting me up, but isn’t even trying!!

    Instead I just hear from him lately when he wants to make plans to get together to see baby….. more on all that later though.

    Oooh! AND the pj kid pics! Grr, angry! Yes I know how you feel! I have been suspicious of my BF lately too.

    Agree with #320 Tiffany “Seriously. I wouldn’t say a word about it to him, unless he asks. Because you want him to ask *you* for exclusivity, not the other way around…” also.

    #321 Mel sounds good too “I think if you want to continue with this man, you will have to choose to trust and believe him. Men do what they want. If he told you he wants exclusivity, believe him.
    If he takes the kids for a playdate… you can choose to believe that he is with another woman behind your back, or you can choose to believe that he is a good father that wants his kids to socialize and be happy. Is there any way to even know who he was with? Maybe it was just some children from school or neighborhood friends. Does it even matter?
    If what is really bugging you is not being included in the childrens’ lives, can you choose to be patient for a bit longer? If not, and this is a deal breaker, write some FMs about how you feel left out… etc. and post them here and we can help you tweak them”..

    ******But Mel, … she can choose to believe this, yet… he is obviously keeping something from her. What’s up with that? And if she chooses to believe him yet he is lying… well.. doesn’t this allow him to go on furthering his rlsp with someone else?
    I am trying to understand – because I really want to understand Rori’s “rockstar tool”, yet I don’t understand how I can just make up my own story about what to believe, if the truth is something different. I suspect maybe this is about the VIBE it creates in YOU, allowing you to ACT much cooler, yet … knowing he is being dishonest…

    Or perhaps the Rockstar Tool is really about making up your own story when “you can’t possibly know without a doubt that whatever you “think” is going on is true”… not so much for if you really do know. I am VERY confused about this Rockstar Tool. Help Sirens, someone please explain this!!

    ” I think the girl he met on match and has kids and he’s playdating until his divorce is finalized in a few months and sleeping with me in the meantime.”
    Exactly what I mean – no matter what story she makes up to herself, if it allows him to keep doing whatever he’s doing, it doesn’t help HER relationship with him, – yet allows him to deepen rlsp with someone else! Someone get this straight for me because I really don’t understand how to apply the Rockstar Tool.

    And yes… If you aren’t feeling comfortable, safe and included in his life, and have communicated all this to him, yet he isn’t stepping up, I would stop sleeping with him!



  429.  #429Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 11:25 am

    http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/l/special/120210_specialoffer.html?s=10563&e=1&cid=EZZZ3L&lid=1&sbid=sTnh

    This combo includes my two programs, The Modern Siren and Commitment Blueprint, which give you the knowledge and tools you need to inspire your withdrawn, non-committal man to stop dragging his feet and realize you are the one and only woman for him… now and forever.

    It’s my way of helping you avoid another depressing reminder of how far your love life is from where you want it to be… and getting the relationship you deserve!

    But hurry, this special price only lasts until February 17th. Get your “Commitment Combo” today, and you’ll look forward to each and every Valentine’s Day to come!



  430.  #430Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

    ok. I am feeling awful today. I don’t like it!

    I have so many things to update on and also some good questions, I hope I can remember them!!



  431.  #431Mochaberri on February 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Just this past week he called me and I was out with my girlfriend having a great time. So I told him that I would call him once I got home.

    During our conversation he hinted to the fact taht he wanted me to come over but never out right asked me. So I said tonight was kinda last minute and it’s late so what about Friday or Saturday. Thursday’s no good – going to a play. He said “oh I don’t know about you hanging in the city, you’ve been hanging over there after work a lot – last week, tonight, tomorrow”. I was thinking are you serious????!!!!?!?! So I asked what was the problem – is it because I’m not easily accessible? His response was you’re single. And I then asked what is the issue here – he then says he shouold not have said that and he was going to take it back.
    I was furious and wondering to myself who are you trying to remind-you or me because I’m aware that we are not a couple. It really got to me and I wanted to discuss it and remind him as he reminds me that you can’t put something out there and then take it back. So I wasn’t ready to drop it since it was in the air. So I asked him what he was doing on the upcoming Friday since that day was unavailable. He said he was going to a party since the promoters came to a party he and his group hosted. So my response was hmm, I don’t know about you and going to these clubs. he got the point and said “I told you I shouldn’t have said it.” Then I said that it bothered me and that it’s obviously something that I have to work on as to not let it go through me.



  432.  #432Siren Angel on February 13, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Now I am worried that since I didn’t reply to his text yesterday, he will use that against me.
    Should I reply: ‘sorry, I felt busy too. Had good wee’ or something like that? Even if he didn’t answer the phone?



  433.  #433Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

    First, in my Commitment Blueprint program, I take you step-by-step through the process of making sure his desire to have you in his life is GREATER than his fear of commitment.

    Commitment isn’t something you can force, talk him into, or fix, with a lot of “logic.”

    If a man just isn’t there when it comes to commitment, there’s a reason.

    The reason has to do with the way the process and relationship timeline work for a man. It’s different for men than it is for women.

    Once you understand this process, you’ll know exactly what to do and say in order to change the energy between you and ignite him to commit.

    And in my Modern Siren program, you’ll learn all the secret Siren Tools that will make you intensely attractive to him.

    Your man won’t be able to get you out of his mind. Suddenly, the way you move, speak, and carry yourself will FEEL different to him, and he won’t be able to explain why.

    All he’ll know is that suddenly, he’s seeing you in a very different light. You’re alluring, hypnotic, interesting.

    And it isn’t because you suddenly have great conversation topics or because you’re cooking great meals.

    It’s because of WHO YOU ARE on the inside, and your irresistible feminine energy.

    You’ll learn how to have that kind of energy through Modern Siren. I’ll show you how to use body language, voice, words – the works

    Rori



  434.  #434Lizka on February 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Anyone has Francesca email adress or Facebook? I don’t think she will come back and read all your messages.

    I feel sad that she might have leave forever. 🙁

    Anyone has a way to contact her? I wish she would know we like her and it was not “against” her that she didn’t get any reply…



  435.  #435Starla on February 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Brenda, after reading about your pastors, I’m wondering what the draw is for you, beyond the normal 20th century gal draw, to unavailable men (church figures, mentally ill, incarcerated…)?

    And I wonder what happened with your father? Did he leave when you were young?

    Love to you.



  436.  #436Daria on February 13, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Starla – i feel angry and misunderstood.

    i feel like a 3 year old hot hot hot energy feeling girl

    i do not want to “scold anyone on principle” and

    yet i feel BAD and ANGRY … so ANGRY!

    i want to honor myself

    WITHOUT scolding (i hope i didnt come off scoldign expressing myhself earlier – tho i think it MIGHT and that feels so FRUSTRATING!)

    i wonder how i can honor myself and my feelings in this situations



  437.  #437Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Brenda, FW,

    Thank you. Yes, we had both dates planned. And yes, I used these words FW.

    Yes, I felt not quite ready and kept on asking him if he likes to talk to me too, if he wants to know more about me, etc. and expressed that I wanted it to be special and that I want to spend the whole night together. He suggested to meet on Sat night then, but asked if it’s ok if he has to leave at 6am since he is flying out that day.

    I’m afraid he lost interest and doesn’t even want it anymore.



  438.  #438Daria on February 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

    I feel really angry

    I feel invisible and made less important than the other person

    I dont know how to express this warmly and gently

    ‘oh wow

    i feel really shut down reading that. i feel so angry and unseen… and really pressured and guilt tripped… and i feel FURIOUS to feel this way… it feels horrible and i don’t want to feel that way… ‘

    hmmm



  439.  #439Starla on February 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Lizka, she was getting replies, but she just kept going with the sarcastic accusatory replies saying none of us were paying attention to her, as we were all replying. I’m sure she saw them, as her posts were interspersed with ours. If she chose to leave, it was out of her own trigger and not cuz of us. We don’t need to chase her down. This is like practice to not chase a man, too.

    This is just MY point of view, though!!!



  440.  #440Daria on February 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

    I am feeling scared and shaky

    it is NOT ok for me to express anger or discomfort or feeling bad….

    especially if other people are not expressing it



  441.  #441kayla on February 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Hello sirens, I did not go to school today.. I feel sick with the same thing that I had two weeks ago.. I feel sort of trapped.. and confused.. There is a man who has been stepping up tremendously.. But I only have feelings for him SOMETIMES, and when I do.. They don’t feel very strong, and I know that they will go away.. His feelings for me are SO strong, that he started crying to me.. And it’s been more than once too. . . I don’t feel sure about what to do.. But when I am with him, which is a lot because we have mutual friends.. I feel trapped, because he is always wanting to be around me.. He is always wanting to talk to me about us, I don’t know what to do.. I have tried telling him that I don’t have feelings for him and he got angry, he always tries to kiss me even though I tell him I feel pressured, but then he asks me what I want to do about us, and I can’t answer because I feel so confused on what I want.. I want to be friends with him.. But I feel like if he ever sees another man all over me



  442.  #442Daria on February 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

    It could be she didnt see the posts…. when i post it takes me right back down to this box…

    so if i dont scroll up and read then i wont know if anyone else has posted!



  443.  #443Starla on February 13, 2012 at 11:40 am

    “i wonder how i can honor myself and my feelings in this situations”

    this is going to sound cheezy, but follow the light.

    ‘oh wow

    i feel really shut down reading that. i feel so angry and unseen… and really pressured and guilt tripped… and i feel FURIOUS to feel this way… it feels horrible and i don’t want to feel that way… ‘

    This is a great start, but ultimately reads “You pressured me. You guilt tripped me,” Which is just more of the same dynamic that triggered you in the first place. It’s understandable, though!! It’s so hard to reflect light as a mirror when someone’s standing before you emanating darkness.



  444.  #444kayla on February 13, 2012 at 11:43 am

    he would freak out.. Which is why I feel trapped, because whenever there is a lot of men flirting with me, he comes around me and tries to push them away from me, and so many ppl ask me if him and I are together, and when I say no, they say well it seems like you two are together.. I feel like the reason so many men don’t try to step up is because they feel like I am taken.. Any advice on what I should do? Most of the time I don’t want a relationship with him.. But there is some times that I think about it, and I know he would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for me.. I just don’t feel any attraction for him.. Maybe a tiny bit physically, but none emotionally..



  445.  #445Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Sirens, I feel so yucky today.

    I just realized this morning – when I finally (weeks later), opened and read Jc’s response to me. (email CD from Canada).

    And now I feel yucky and alone, because my pattern right now scares me…right now, my “pattern” is to meet men who show lots of interest in me, and come toward me, even though I don’t have the same level of interest in them. When finally, I do become interested in them, and start to believe that they are good people, then they back away. But not only that. The pattern is this:

    When I start to feel “attached” and I show them my “true feelings” – when I express the things that I feel deeply, without trying to control or be afraid of how I feel – then they back away even MORE. It is like my feelings scare them, and they don’t want to “deal.”

    Then they tell me that, even though in the past they have expressed frustration at being lonely, and stated that they are looking for good partners to be with, that in fact they would rather be LONELY and ALONE than be with ME. That really HURTS….

    :(((

    Like I am such a horrible person that no one in their right mind would want to be with me….

    It’s the International Day of Self-Love, and this is what I feel like. Horrible and worthless, and less than nothing – everyone is better off without me….

    I love me anyway, but ….Ouch. This hurts.

    sinking into the feelings, and just – being there. 🙁



  446.  #446Starla on February 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

    More on anger,

    i think a lot of expressing anger needs to be done authentically but inside ourselves first. we need to give ourselves permission to feel anger and like we’re being wronged. often, we jump to expressing anger to another person before we’ve given ourselves permission to even feel that way, so we’re not only expressing anger to them but BLAMING, basically needing them to respond in such a way that makes it PERMISSABLE for us to feel angry.



  447.  #447Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 11:46 am

    Update on MILW.

    he came over and got the baby the other afternoon, and watched him.. so I could go to a funeral in my friend’s place, which I missed. When the car wouldn’t start and I texted him that it wasn’t starting, (though I wasn’t implying he should do anything) he didn’t offer to try to help me find a jump, instead he said looks like the taxes can get a good doing (the work I’m doing for him).

    when he brought baby back he spent a few hrs at the house doing things on the computer mostly, while I spent most of my time in the other room but was in a light, not entirely closed off mood. tried to be open.

    ————
    then he came over one day (“I need to stop by” text) while a male friend of ours was here. I don’t think MILW feels any threat whatsoever from him since we’ve been good friends throughout our rlsp and we’re not into each other. But, I wondered if MILW felt slightly uncomfortable when he pulled up and our friend was carring baby’s car seat outside and getting ready to drive us to the grocery store (my car wouldn’t start). We all talked for a minute and then we left. When we came back, he was on his way OUT of our house, to go to work I guess. No rush though as he hung around, a good ten minutes. He had tried to kiss me on the lips earlier in the day, I turned my cheek. He tried again on his way out and got it as it was habit and I wasn’t thinking about it. He looked at baby asleep in my friends car, and I think he wanted to see him or hold him, but I said “I’m going to leave him there until you leave, because he’ll cry.” (it’s been VERY HARD for baby, him not being here regularly/constantly.) He started to pull the grass/weeds up in the front yard and I knelt down to help. When he had to leave I said “I’m not going to finish this since you’re not going to help” (a few wks ago he got mad that he should have to “inspire me to do this” that I won’t do it “without him” – well – I have a baby that will run right into the street!!!! The only time I can do anything is when baby is asleep and then I have more important things to worry about than grass being overgrown in the front yard!) …. anyway, i said I wasn’t going to finish it and he said ok (he had also mentioned earlier getting someone to mow it every couple wks). (he did pay for someone to mow it a few wks ago.).

    This weekend, he texted me that an old friend of his was in town whom I’ve met once or twice – she wanted a massage- and she would pay, and he really wanted her to experience my healing touch. I tried to make it work but I was out of town when he texted this (SAME day), and had to figure out the car batter problem etc since he had made no move to help do so, even knowing the battery needs replaced, it seems it’s just gone out. So I was with BF, in his family’s town. I tried to make it back but was way too exhausted by that hour and still had plenty to do, so I turned it down knowing I have other job offers for this month/next month already.

    He said no problem, etc.

    And that he loves when we get along!! “?!?! pfft, I felt angry and scoffing. ugh. I didn’t answer that text.

    In the morning he texted to ask if baby saw it snowing! I didn’t answer all day. I was angry that he wasn’t HERE. When I did, I said “Baby had fun playing in the snow, I felt sad that you’re not here with us sharing these things together”

    (no response).

    A few hours later I had been feeling that gratitude is really where I want to focus, ..on whatever things he does that I DO like. It was really making me angry, because while I like that he thought of baby,!! That is NOT enough! He needs to BE HERE! …. so I can shut down to him unless he does that, or I can show gratitude for what he DID say.. (otherwise it would be like telling the universe no more, right? “Not Answering the Phone”?)…

    I texted “i love getting along too. I feel happy that you were imagining your son this morning getting to see the snow. <3"

    And then sent him a few pictures. one of baby smiling at a pic of them, and a few of him last night in his new pajamas (from BF's sister).

    He may have fallen asleep last night, or else was out (as he has mondays off). I was angry that he did not text right back.

    This morning (at 11:51) he texts "thank you I love all the pix of our little man. He's getting so big! How was your weekend?"

    I haven't answered yet….



  448.  #448Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 11:53 am


    I don’t know what I want to say!

    I FEEL angry that he isn’t here, wasn’t here, that he is not wanting to spend his time WITH ME! instead he’s out somewhere else with others.

    I am angry. I feel bad!!!! Sad! And very angry that baby feels so sad/insecure/clingy/sensitive/confused as well! When my man friend came over, he wouldn’t even LET him leave, he WANTED him to pick him up, hold him, carry him, play with him, NOT leave the room, and he was upset if he thought he was going to leave. …. he cried when he did.

    Typically he won’t even go to other people. Now he is clinging on to other men while the two men he NEEDS in his life aren’t here!

    ugh.

    Anyway, I suppose I should just text him back “had a great weekend thanks”

    or “had a great weekend, I felt so cared for, BF helped with car, people gave us presents, etcetc” (of course he will probably then ask if BF gave me anything for valentine’s day..hmm. (and he didn’t).

    or should I just ignore him entirely (even though I suppose I create confusion by sending him pics of baby last night, when I have told him I don’t need a friend I need a MAN who is here with his family all of the time, loving us. … I have told him not to contact me unless it’s about a sexually exclusive rlsp, even though I have been trying to keep him in baby’s life (only for baby’s sake) by letting him see him, watch him, sending him those pix last night, etc.

    If it wasn’t bothering the baby, I would just cut him out entirely – come back when you’re ready to act like a family and be here as a father EVERYday again.

    … I have been wondering if I should just tell him “your family is here, and you’re welcome to join in activities whenever you like”…

    so confused sometimes. ughhhghghaegslkeja;lrjgt



  449.  #449Daria on February 13, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Starla – wow any scripts???

    this comes up with men for me



  450.  #450Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 11:56 am

    288: Mel “I feel curious…
    How do we avoid leaning forward and over-functioning, when the “love language” of a man is acts of service?”

    *** Mel – I think that if a man’s love language is acts of service, he SHOWS his love in that way also.
    Therefore, he will be showing his love for you via acts of service, and if a man is doing for you, it is okay to do for him once in a while. That is how I understand it. Right?

    Mirroring but never doing more than he is doing for you. Right Sirens? Is this correct?

    And I would say, do as much as you like (while not doing more than he is doing for you) and if his actions start to lessen, … mirror him and do even less!

    This is how I understand it.



  451.  #451Iamabutterfly on February 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

    I recently saw Jack CD get really really angry at me for not letting him do me a service. I have never felt more attracted to him. Why did I feel so attracted to his anger?



  452.  #452Mel on February 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Re: 422 Silver-Tongued Siren,

    It was my impression that Siren Angel only has suspicions that something is up. The only thing she knows for sure is that his profile is up. Who he was with, whether he has actually been seeing this woman from Match, etc. are just speculation. Sorry if I’m getting this wrong Siren Angel! 🙂

    If this is the case, choosing to believe the positive not only changes one’s vibe, but gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. It also invites the positive into our lives (if you have any inclination at all towards the law of attraction). Moreover, I think that a lot of times “making him wrong” in our brains causes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he’s constantly being accused of doing things he’s not actually doing, he may well decide to just go ahead and do them. The negative energy around suspicion and mistrust can cause anyone to feel resentful.

    Anyways, I just feel that if there’s no way of really knowing that the stories the NVs are whispering are true, what point is there to worrying about them? Might as well make up a better story since you don’t know the truth anyway! 🙂



  453.  #453Starla on February 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Daria, yeah, Rori doesn’t teach this exactly, but this is a good time to use the “When you ______, I feel ________” pattern for scripting.

    So you’d be like, “Francesca, I hear that you’re feeling unseen, and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. And when I read your comments I just want to shut down and feel angry from the sarcasm…”

    but first and foremost i think this is an issue for INNER healing. You feel an urgency when you get angry, like FIX THIS RIGHT NOW, but it is just mirroring more of the “bad” behavior that triggered you into feeling that way in the first place.

    Have you noticed how Mel’s guy is completely attentive to her every feeling message? I think a big part of this is she very rarely has the words at the time she is triggered, so she waits until later when the urgency has passed and the words come to her.

    In a way, Mel’s slow to form feeling messages is a blessing for her, because urgency can feel like manipulation and awfulness to a man, and he takes her more seriously that she’s taken the time to process and consider if she’s just triggered or what.



  454.  #454Mel on February 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Re 444 STS:

    Thanks! That makes sense! 🙂



  455.  #455Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    STS I would share how I felt about the funeral over the weekend



  456.  #456Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Valentine’s Day:

    Need help with this- should have thought about this earlier.

    MILW has not asked me ahead to do anything for Valentine’s Day (which makes sense since he said he doesn’t want to be my life partner right now and refuses for us to have a “romantic relationship” because sex “makes me want exclusivity” blahblah).

    BF has not uttered a word about it either. He was here this weekend, but gave me nothing, didn’t even mention celebrating it early or late.
    Last year he wasn’t here on V-day either, and MILW took me out – BF said he would take me to dinner too, (but never did, or if he did, he certainly didn’t make it special or mention it was for Vday).

    We were at BF’s Dad’s, and he said something about Vday infront of BF’s sister&husband, and myself&BF. He said “well, you know when it is now, so you have no excuse!!!”… felt :cringe: not sure if it was me or energy from BF. probably from BF as i am usually connected to other people very well and when I feel something it is usually them feeling it. But that’s all hearsay I guess 🙂

    ….. So. In the years past, BF has never given me anything for Vday. (in fact, he claims to be a bad gift giver, and this may be true. But he can at least TRY. … last christmas he made me something. this christmas …I didn’t see him and he was angry at me. a couple wks later i mentioned wanting to get him something (no mention as to what or how big or whether it was for xmas) – i never did get it but the next week he came around with a baby bag with my name on it. I think he got it already made, as he said there was supposed to be one for baby too but they didn’t have one with baby’s name..

    Anyway past Vdays he has just texted or chatted me “happy valentines day” (sometimes not even that!)

    he has never given me anything.

    I don’t like this.

    it seems like we could have something more serious but I don’t like these patterns we’ve settled into. I want to shake things up.

    IN ADDITION he has been having sex with someone else – in the town he’s working in, I believe. …..

    So.. I wonder if he’s doing something with her for Vday or not? …

    I intend to be prepared:
    If he doesn’t do anything for Vday, what should I do/say?

    we don’t have an exclusive relationship, but he has sex with me, and has for years, and I am his child’s mother.

    I am not sure what I should expect from him. Esp if he thinks he is a bad gift giver – but I mean the least he could do is flowers. Everyone loves flowers, and he has a good job now.

    How much should I expect here?

    And what if all he sends is “happy valentines” TEXT?

    I want a phone call for an hour, in the EVENING… i want to know *I* am important here, that he is not out with someone else.

    That is really all any of this with any of these men is about. I need to be important. I am having a great time learning how to make ME important. I have made EVERYONE else important all these years, and not made time for myself. …. and that has led them to think they don’t have to either. They are in love with me when *I* am in love with me. Yes.

    So tell me please, Sirens, what are the answers to my Vday Questions?



  457.  #457Senior Lady Vibe on February 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    @397: elle

    I believe there might be an “Elle” — (formerly of another username) who posts here…



  458.  #458Mel on February 13, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Starla,

    You’re sweet. 🙂

    Sometimes I wish they would come to me in the moment though. Because it takes me a while to find the words, I wonder if it gives him the impression that I’ve been “stewing” over something. Maybe not…

    Lately I’ve been saying “I don’t know how to say what I’m feeling right now.”

    Also it was cute… the other night I was a bit quiet and pensive and he said “What are the mice saying?” LOL



  459.  #459Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Starla, I liked what you wrote on anger in #440. I think that’s kind of where I am at right now. If I am allowed to feel the anger inside, then I don’t have to go right away to “expressing” it to whomever – since it may not even be appropriate to do so….my anger or expression of it may be a “knee-jerk” response that is not as productive or effective as authentically saying what’s up, when it matters….Thanks.



  460.  #460Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    hmm i dont want to not express in the moment…

    i want to express myself in the moment

    i dont think Mel’s man’s reaction has to do with that at all… i think he’s just a good catcher

    ive had lots of men hanging on to my feeling messages too… so i’ve expreienced that and didnt ntoice if i was taking my time

    thers no urgency for me to express

    ok basically i guess im not really feeling seen here

    i didnt really have urgency to express

    and i ddnt want to blame

    i feel pressured is someting ive been saying a lot thos

    hmmm

    ok what do i feel … defensive

    i feel sad and unseen

    i feel guilty



  461.  #461Starla on February 13, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Mel, I hear you! In a way you have a blessing in disguise, though, by not being able to speak immediately.

    You’ll end up with a great balance, I do believe, after practicing more.



  462.  #462Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    I think I’ve realized where my “I don’t want to be lonely, but I’d rather be lonely than with you” pattern is coming from…

    I hadn’t known it before I started writing about it here, but then it came to me. This is exactly the sentiment that my ex(fiancé) expressed to me, after I broke up with him, five years ago. Not before, mind you. But afterward, he let me know that he would rather be alone than to be with me. Perhaps a justification on his part. But I think I have been carrying this around with me in my heart, like a truth about myself: that any man would be better off without me, and it would be better for him to be alone than with me, because my emotions are scary.

    And maybe it comes from an even deeper place than that. Maybe Ex-f said that because I already believed it. And maybe I believed it because of the dynamic between my parents – that my mother was “too emotional” and being “a woman” was a weakness. So she had to be “the man.” Then my father was weak, and complained about her all the time. I feel like a burden and a weak, emotional wreck, if I am a woman. And maybe it was because I was treated AS IF my emotions were scary – my parents rejected me when I had “emotions.” So now I believe that showing them is a bad thing, and will lead to rejection. I show men my true feelings *in order* to scare them away. I don’t want to punish them by making them be “stuck” with me for the rest of their lives.



  463.  #463Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Starla – basically i totally disagree with you about not expressing anger in the moment

    and that feels scary and i feel guilty!

    but thank you for the support



  464.  #464Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    FW –

    Can you please clarify what you’re saying I should share?

    also the funeral was early in the week – so a lot has happened since then. And I never made it to the funeral as the car wouldn’t start. (and MILW could not jump my car for me, his car has a hybrid system). But I was feeling like I wished he would’ve helped contact some people to get me a jump – but when I said it would all work out for the best, and he said the taxes could get a good doing (since I had planned that for AFTER the funeral), i agreed.

    even though I was unhappy with him not helping more. Because his big problem is feeling too “needed”. sigh. I think really his big problem is that I have leaned forward FAR too much in this rlsp once we were “together”.. doing too much and not doing enough for me.



  465.  #465Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/uncategorized/get-affection-attention-and-romance-valentines-day-special-until-the-17th/#more-2634

    Here are some of the things I discovered long ago that inspired my now-wonderful husband to get closer to me and quickly propose to me that will help you right now:
    1. I completely STOPPED trying to “talk” with him about what’s happening in the relationship.
    Whenever I had the URGE to step in to “talk” – especially if he gave me an “opening” (and of course I was finding “openings” every time he said ANYTHING…) – I just physically turned my body around, walked into the bathroom, or any other room, away from him, sat down on the floor and started breathing deeply.
    I taught myself to focus on myself somehow, or on my surroundings – the cat, or a speck of dust on the floor, or the light coming from a window.
    2. I completely STOPPED trying to get more affection and attention from him by getting close to him.
    I stopped touching him first, I stopped making conversation first, I stopped cooking, I stopped doing ANYTHING that felt like I was doing it to GET him to be closer to me.
    3. I completely acknowledged my anger, and instead of trying to bottle it up inside (what I’ve ALWAYS been taught to do with my anger – it just wasn’t okay in my family for ME to be angry) – or let it make me “roll my eyes” or tell him how he was doing anything “wrong” (and this was a BIG one for me), or even say anything negative about him to anyone else, I learned how to communicate my anger to him in a way he could hear.
    4. I slowly relaxed enough and started to feel secure enough inside me to open up a bit more to him.
    Instead of “punishing him” for the pain he was causing me, I started to feel more successfully protective of myself, more able to survive on my own in a GREAT way, and so I could RECEIVE more affection and attention from him.
    And then everything suddenly shifted.



  466.  #466Starla on February 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Daria, I’m feeling a little frustrated. I just wanted to share something broad that might help you get in touch with your own anger and how to manage it so you don’t push people away. I gave you a script at your request, and it feels like the baby’s getting thrown out with the bath water because I mentioned urgency and it wasn’t specifically relevant to you.

    Now you’re going on about how you feel unseen, and it’s making ME feel tricked and bad, because you asked for ideas and I gave them to you, but they somehow hurt you because they’re not good enough for you. that is YOUR problem, Daria. You have an urgency to share it with me, but you must be careful, because that urgency makes it MY problem. Take responsibility for your own feelings and you might find yourself feeling less blamed and made to feel responsible for others’, like how you did with Francesca…

    Maybe another siren can bravely step up to the plate to answer your request for help. I hope you find peace around this issue today.



  467.  #467Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    On the plus side, I just re-read my response to K from last week. and instead of feeling embarrassed, I still feel good about what I wrote! I believe it was honest, authentic, and expressed my boundaries clearly.

    I first told him that it felt bad to read what he wrote.

    I acknowledged what he said.

    Then I gave firm boundaries around “friends with benefits” – i.e. I don’t “do” that.

    I know that being ‘friends’ isn’t the great solution. But I’m not looking to cut him off completely. If he wants to row that boat, then he can row it. I know that he still likes me. He’s telling me that he doesn’t want to cut me off completely, either, so I’m going with it. But it’s up to me to let him know that I am not going to give myself fully and “completely” until I am being completely given to. That’s how it feels to me.

    And it feels good to express myself without whining or “convincing” him to give me something he doesn’t want or feel compelled to give to me right now….

    I am happy and proud of my communication. Go me!



  468.  #468Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    STS I thought the funeral happened during the weeked so I was trying to guide you to share how you felt about the experience. So look at what happened in your life over the weekend and try to share those feelings with him in response to his question. You are practicing sharing feeling messages and I believe this is a golden opportuntiy to practice this without bringing up anything about the relationship, is the way I see it.



  469.  #469Mochaberri on February 13, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    @ Tiffany in 306 – I loved that!!!! It really made an impact on me. It made me feel really vibrant and fired up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  470.  #470Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    440 Starla – I agree with you, maybe this is along the lines of “responding rather than reacting” –

    processing a bit first before expressing.
    observing how we feel.

    I am certainly glad that while I was fuming on the car ride home the other evening after dinner with BF, that I didn’t say anything about it most of the long ride home. I am glad that I sat there thinking about how i really felt and why, what he could have possibly been feeling, so I could respond empathetically or at least be open to asking him what he was feeling, and then also knowing that yet, how he spoke to me was not okay, and there was no excuse whatsoever for it.

    So this way I could express empathy (you sounded angry…) and my feelings (that felt really bad, I felt hurt, …etc). I asked if there was something bothering him which I should know about.
    when he apologized, I accepted the apology, (well if you count saying that it felt really bad, but I was physically affectionate with him after he came and cuddled me, touching me, while apologizing, so I felt he knew I accepted it). …

    and yet, I know it is not ok and that this should not happen regularly, and … now I would like to figure out how to keep it a one-time occurrence. (well, twice now… he has yelled/snapped at me.)

    But I agree with you it is not always necessary to express it IMMEDIATELY… but as soon as you possibly can process it and express it, I think it would be best to share. I think it’s always best to deal with things like this as soon as possible.

    Yet, both my men MILW and BF seem to take time. I figured BF would go to his man cave and pout and sulk and ignore me all night, but he’d apologize the next day. and he did.
    that is a pattern with MILW too – he will shut down and come back later.

    So perhaps giving it a little time helps in matching their patterns, too. But I would still want to say SOMEthing, otherwise they think everything is fine and later it catches them off guard? … hmm



  471.  #471Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    I don’t want to punish them by making them be “stuck” with me for the rest of their lives.

    me too… hmmm

    but you dont REALLY want to date me… dont you know i want to live in brazil? dont you know i dont want exclusivity before mearriage?

    don you know i wont call you? and ill be like an ice queen and not initiate….

    hmmm

    im “not a good woman” because of those things



  472.  #472Kyla on February 13, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Ooow I was sick all day yesterday with a stomach flu for the second time in 2 weeks 🙁
    R brought me out for dinner Sat night as he has to work tomorrow night. It was our Valentine’s dinner. I started to feel ill when we were waiting on the cheque and asked him to bring me home. He put on a movie for us to watch together and opened a bottle of wine and I fell asleep on his shoulder. He woke me up for bed and I fell asleep again. I woke up about 3 am and was vomiting the rest of the night and most of the next morning. I spent all day in bed and all our lovely plans went out the window. R was not upset or disappointed or angry and that felt so good. I could feel miserable and sick and take care of me and not worry about anyone else. He dropped everything to take care of me and then promised to make it up to me next weekend! Aww! I woke up this morning feeling great, thank goodness, whatever it was is gone now.



  473.  #473Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    462 FW

    Thanks for your response, you seem to be so well studied on rori’s tools and advice, and your advice always seems very sound.

    Thank you for clarifying about the funeral- this is what I thought you were saying. Share FM about the weekend.

    Okay. I can do that. …. but I have told him I do not want a friend, and not to contact me unless its about a sexually exclusive rlsp. (yet he continues). and he refuses to label it romantic or dating right now. just “friends”.

    So should I even be answering these texts?

    Since he refuses to respect my demand that he only contact me about rlsp (and i guess baby & work) I guess I have two options:

    ignore anything that is not about rlsp/work/baby,

    OR just start moving him into my snack bag/back of the saddle and crowd him out with other men until he upgrades himself…

    what do you think about this?

    If I share FM about the weekend, should I include things that involve the other men I was with (I felt so cared for, BF drove us to SA, helped with car, his family gave us gifts, etc)?



  474.  #474Silver Moonbeam on February 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    #317 Brenda

    WOW I thought you were just joking around, you know sisters and all that!! That is amazing!!



  475.  #475Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Starla – sorry for triggering you !

    – i feel so frustrated with myself and my communication … its so… HARSH (triggering) sometimes

    thank you again for your help

    now i feel angry that im actually saying thank you AGAIN and

    i feel kinda invisible and unseen –

    i dont want to be seen as throwing the baby out with the bathwater…

    makes me feel panicky (urgent?)

    afraid that i will now be steam rolled over and have additional stuff assumed/ projected on/perceived about me… if i “let it go” and don’t mention that that feels bad to me and i dont feel seen

    and this stuff about the baby bathwater are YOUR issues Starla

    i already said THANK YOU in my previous post

    i feel unacknowledged and angry



  476.  #476Kyla on February 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    it got me thinking though – why would i be afraid that he would be angry with me for being sick? why did i feel guilty that most of our lovely plans were cancelled because i was sick? i did not get sick on purpose, these things happen, so why for even a moment would i worry that my illness would upset him? it really opened my eyes to how much i used to overfunction and put myself so low on the priority list! also made me so proud that i put me first and took care of myself the way i needed to without hesitation.



  477.  #477Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    oops sorry for attacking

    it is so none of my business if those are YOUR issues

    🙁

    sad Daria



  478.  #478Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Erg. Don’t want to sound needy or whiney, but I could really use some siren support around my “pattern” that I noticed today. It don’t like it.

    It really doesn’t feel good to observe that men tell me they would rather be alone than with me. That feels awful. (And that, after them telling me what I a great person I am). Am I really that bad? That doesn’t sound right. Like Rori says, if a thought is making you feel bad, then it’s a lie. It must not be “true” about me, according to my “true nature.” But how is it a lie when that’s what guys are telling me?

    I don’t want to feel at fault here. I do want to know what I am doing that I can improve to make things better. But the only thing I can see that I’m “doing” to bring this on is expressing myself in feeling messages. And that makes them want to leave.

    Thoughts?



  479.  #479Tiffany on February 13, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Mochaberri 463 – glad you liked it! Awesome! 🙂



  480.  #480Goodheart on February 13, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I am definitely not an express-in-the-moment person when it comes to anger. It’s funny because I have no problem showing happiness, appreciation (thank goodness), but the anger has always been a stickler for me. I try to work through it in my brain (not a quick process), which is good, but when my bf is right there, he absolutely knows something is wrong because I’m not all effervescent & chatty. I know it drives him crazy because he knows something is bothering me.

    I’ve even asked him in the past to please let me just process for a little bit because it’s most likely not even about him (my stuff) & I know he tries, but it’s hard for him.

    If I can get good at saying, “I’d like to work through it a bit on my own first” in a warm way I know it would change my world & our relationship for the better at times like those. And I am actually getting better at it. He’s even noticed – yay Goodheart 🙂



  481.  #481Starla on February 13, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    the baby with the bathwater thing is my problem, you’re so right. that’s why i’m not putting my baby in your “bath” anymore, instead of writing post after post about my anger. i give myself permission to withdraw if needed. it feels tempting to try to convince you that you’re wrong or something… but it’s totally like how it goes with men, right? i’d only want to prove to you that you’re wrong because i don’t feel solid in my own sense of having the right to feel crossed or angry.

    ahh yess very interesting processing happening here today for me 😀



  482.  #482Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    RE 467 STS I believe the lesson he is teaching you is that he does not respond well to “demands”.

    Wanting him to put a label on it comes across a bit as controlling.

    If you don’t feel like responding then don’t. But he might be trying to slowly respond to your boundaries with his idea of how to do it. Maybe slowly by building up the friendship again while you might be wanting to go straight to the rlsp. I don’t know if there is any harm in using his question to practice developing your feeling messages.



  483.  #483Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Goodheart have you tried just sitting close to each other and looking in each others eyes in those moments. Or maybe just going up to him and putting your head on his shoulder.



  484.  #484Goodheart on February 13, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    This weekend I felt so spoiled & adored!

    He bought me the most beautiful necklace.

    Then he took me out to dinner to a charming, softly-lit restaraunt.

    We cuddle & laughed so much (we do that a lot) & he told me, “You’re it for me.”

    I still feel tingly 🙂



  485.  #485Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    ” because i don’t feel solid in my own sense of having the right to feel crossed or angry”

    yeah this feels exciting… this is what i was feeling inspired with in your previous posts to me

    getting that the inner work is about feeling solid in my own sense to have it be ok to feel angry

    yes i feel angry and i feel scared and sad

    and its ok to feel that way huh? even if it doesnt “make sense”

    and actually i want to feel comfortable expressing it too



  486.  #486Silver-Tongued Siren on February 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    472 Tiffany….

    I am not quite sure what to say about this pattern….

    perhaps…. try Byron Katie’s “the work” on “i would rather be alone than be with you”…

    turn it around in as many ways as you can. Maybe this will bring a new light to it…



  487.  #487Starla on February 13, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    i grew up with a mother who would lie and manipulate and twist reality as much as possible when you told her you were upset with her. as a result, i feel scared to have anger towards anyone, especially men (because they potentially get closer than most everyone else). This fear results in me overreacting or taking it on as worthless feelings toward myself.

    oh sad.

    like i am feeling angry toward my roommate, who totally sucks to live with, but i feel scared to express it. she has a similar mother, so we’d probably just trigger the f*ck out of each other and go nowhere.

    she might be moving soon. which would be very nice. cuz she’s expressed no interest in helping with the bills and while she’s rolling her eyes at my organic life style and desire to drink clean, bottled water, she’s guzzling down my expensive water and leaving none for me.

    and when i sit down with my friend at the dinner table to eat with them, she sits down too for dinner even though no one invited her.

    and she drinks WAY TOO MUCH and fills up my garbage can with beer bottles and never takes it out.

    I told her i was worried about money because i need to save for grad school, and she rolled her eyes at me and my “yuppy problems” because i make more money than her.

    my bills have all increased and she’s expressing contempt for my lifestyle while leeching off of it.

    i feel angry!!!!!!!! indeed!!!!!!!



  488.  #488Daria on February 13, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    “That said – you’ve GOT to get your anger up and out to the surface!

    You’ve got to hear it inside you, you’ve got to acknowledge it, got to love and embrace it – and you have to learn how to SPEAK it!

    And you have to learn how to do all this when it’s happening – or as soon as you can “catch” that it’s happening.”

    errrrrr… more, Rori, more!



  489.  #489Goodheart on February 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    FW, yes, & it works beautifully! It’s just when I’m really upset that I have a hard time doing that. And even in those times, I know it’s my stuff so I know I will get there eventually.

    Thank you for your support & ideas. Sometimes it helps just to read here.



  490.  #490Goodheart on February 13, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    It’s just that he is so incredibly good to me that when I get upset for any reason (even not related to him or us) I feel bad so I guess I try to stuff it.

    Learning so much here though.



  491.  #491Femininewoman on February 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Goodheart I am wondering if expressing that you feel frustrated with yourself or maybe just helpless in the moment to really express what you are feeling could help you.



  492.  #492Memulo on February 13, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    He said of course, yours is a better plan. Or maybe you can just came later to work on friday

    🙂 🙂 🙂



  493.  #493Starla on February 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Okay, STarla, don’t get pissed, just get some boundaries.

    If she’s not out by March 1, charge her rent. Figure out how much the bills have gone up, how much of your food she’s eating, and charge her for it.

    This is stupid. I feel angry that she would risk our friendship with her thoughtlessness.



  494.  #494Starla on February 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    What kills me is how instead of offering me money to help with the added expense of her living there, she is saying contemptuous things about what a yuppy i am.

    it all feels violent:(



  495.  #495Starla on February 13, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Thanks for letting me vent, ladies. I just needed to get that off my chest before i went to our mutual acquaintances to vent – something i refuse to do.

    i will talk to her this week about her plans for moving and rent and all that. no more playing victim for me.