How Carrie Got “Big” and You Can Get the Man of Your Dreams, Too

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If you’ve seen the Sex and the City movie, you likely have strong opinions about it – I wasn’t transported by the film, but I thought the way all the characters have transformed over the last season, and now in the movie was remarkable for us to work with.

Where Carrie was once “prickly,” cigarette in hand – almost hard and brittle in the way she related to all the men in her life, now she’s totally “soft” – in a very lovely way. This “softening started to happen in the last season (we’ll talk about how she handled all these men in different posts).

So here’s “Carrie’s Tools,” in honor of her:

  1. Stand perfectly still
  2. Breathe
  3. Look your man in the eye
  4. Lean your body back (put one foot in front of the other so you don’t fall over)
  5. Trust yourself – that no matter what happens, what he says or does, you’ll be alright, and that you’re better off always telling the truth than hiding ANYTHING.
  6. Smile
  7. Let your eyes go fuzzy, so you can go INSIDE yourself
  8. Open your mouth and let a sound come out – “Ahhhh,” or “Ohhhh”
  9. Be very aware of what you’re focusing on – ask yourself – am I thinking about me and what I’m doing? Or am I listening to him – over where he is, and just experiencing? Your goal is to totally Stop Thinking, so as soon as you become aware you’re thinking about you and what you’re saying next or what the things he’s saying are bringing up in you, and then sort of bounce the ball of your attention over to where HE’S at – you’ll be AUTOMATICALLY experiencing.

You can really see how this was working for Carrie in the first part of the movie, where they set up Carrie and Big’s relationship. Instead of always wondering and worrying how Big was going to behave and how it was all going to turn out – or getting angry and feeling resentful all the time, she’s completely RELAXED around him. She’s no longer sarcastic, no longer holding him at arm’s length, no longer following him around. She radiates confidence and ease.

We’ll break down the specifics of every step on how to do this every day in these posts, and for now, just try my “Tools for Carrie” (and refer here to my “Rori”s Rules” post – it’s the bottom line of “Rules”).

It took Carrie 6 Seasons and a Sex In The City movie to get it right, but with Carrie’s 9 Rules, you get it right in 6 Minutes. Try this on the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the man next door, the man at the dry cleaners or the man you love. So, next time ANY man looks at you, speaks to you, or moves toward you, I want you to follow Carrie’s Rules to the letter, and let me know what happens.


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  1.  #1Linda Butler on September 16, 2008 at 9:43 am

    I love this… carries rules.. I have always admired the way she opened up and told the truth to Big.. and hardly
    made a sceen… other than when he told her he was getting married ! or moving to France…

  2.  #2Sarah on November 7, 2008 at 8:44 am

    Hi Rori,

    Just one question how do I practice the tools, I mean it’s a silly question but I just can’t get started! I have read a lot of your stuff and I’m just sitting and reading passively, I have also started to do some of them but I just cant get the hang of it, I keep forgetting! Im sorry I am only a beginner, but can you suggest something? Or maybe I have answered my own question….

  3.  #3Rori Raye on November 7, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Sarah – you need my programs to get walked through this. Start at least with the eBook. The Tools are to DO. You can work with the Tools here in Power & Self-Esteem – follow the directions and read all the comments and do the writing –

    The ebook, Have The Relationship You Want, is a Workbook. You write in it answer the questions, write out Feeling Messages – it walks you through.

    Let me know – you’ll catch on! Love, Rori

  4.  #4Linda G on December 6, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    Dear Rori;
    I am loving all the ways I am changing my vibe according to your tools and rules. I do have to admit though, it’s easier to do them with men whom we don’t care as much about. I have been circular dating and having a blast, seeing how doing all these things is so efective. But when I find I am with a man I could really like, I find it hard to lean back and do the tools and begin to panic almost, realizing I am going back to overfunctioning and leaning forward and can’t help it. Any advice on what to do when I am in a conversation, on a date and find I am losing my sirenese?

  5.  #5Robbie Lynn on February 5, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    I have been reading your material on your website for the past few days and am anxiously awaiting the materials that I have ordered. As I read I find myself becoming excited – excited because I desperately need change in my life and relationship. I lack self esteem and confidence. Only three days ago the man that I have been dating for the past two years looked at me and said (in not such a nice way) “why are you so insecure?” I was mad and hurt but I also knew that he was right. I find myself feeling needy. Then I become upset when I focus all of my engery into our relationship struggles and then feel defeted and frustrated in the end . It sounds easy when someone says just focus on YOU, but I have not be able to figure out how to do so which leaves me even more frustrated. How can this be acomplished?
    Sincerely, Robbie Lynn

  6.  #6V on September 16, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Dear Rori,
    I’ve been off and on dating the same man for 13 years, we’ve known each other 15. For most of those years we’ve lived an hour apart and maintained a sexual relationship. I do not and never have called this man, yet he continues to call every week. I love this man and I want more than what we currently have, but Rori, how do I get from here to THERE?????

  7.  #7Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Oh, my goodness, V – what are you DOING!!! After 15 years, why don’t you ASK him? Where are we? How do you see us? Do you see us every living together? And if all he wants is this continued “friends with benefits” – I hope you’re dating other men!!!! You can continue to see him, but please, Circular Date. Love, Rori

  8.  #8V on September 18, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Dear Rori,
    I’ve made the decision that there will be no more sex between me and my “Mr. Big” from the city. Can you PLEASE give me the script of how I need to tell him???? Simply saying, “No sex tonight, Honey.” without further explaination I don’t think covers it. It also would come as a huge surprise to him. Please give me the graces I need to handle this with class, Rori.
    Yes, I’ve had many dating disasters but continued to date anyway. Each time he can’t reach me and discovered I’m not waiting by the phone, he steps it up, more calls, more dinners, more dates, etc. I want long-term with this man and I’m willing to do what it takes to make this happen. I’m now at the point I’m willing to do something I’ve never done to get something I’ve never had. I sooo appreciate your help. Thank you!

  9.  #9Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 10:47 am

    V — share with us the feelings and “why” of this decision…and we’ll fashion it into a “speech” for you. In fact…you may already have this ready! Love, Rori

  10.  #10V on September 19, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Dear Rori,
    Here goes: I don’t want to have sex because I don’t feel like I matter. I need to matter. I don’t feel loved or respected by him, or that he takes me serious. After 15 years of knowing me, I feel like he should know me well enough to know whether he wants me as part of his life or not. I don’t want bits & pieces of his time, I deserve more than that. I told him a year ago that I needed more. I’ve never met his family and only a couple of friends through the years.
    Rori, I take full responsibility for where all this has gone. At the time we met, I had Cancer and was sick. So, not knowing whether I’d survive it, I truly didn’t care whether he stuck around or not, because I didn’t know if I would be “sticking around” or not. As a result, the future has never been discussed, ever. I’ve never let him see me really sick from the treatments, and I did not tell him the extent until I got a complete bill of good health a month ago. We agreed years back that because I had 5 young childen I’d not bring him around them or introduce them until we knew if we had a relationship. They’re all adults with lives of their own and he’s only met a couple of them by accident.
    When I disclosed the full extent of being sick, last month, he was shocked. He said he always knew something was terribly wrong but thought I’d tell him about it. I couldn’t because it made me feel like a failure to be less than my best and be sick. For God’s sake, I lost my career due to the disease. I couldn’t let those closest to me know how bad it was, and that’s why I moved an hour away. So I could either die or heal. Thanks Rori for you help.

  11.  #11mary on February 16, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Oh dear Rori
    this is so good to read.My heart makes pain,and i am so confused.I do not know what to do but this gives me something to do.
    Today i see my mann,the mann i have left with in so many years become very openly friend with a woman who he has had relation with e-mail in two years know.He has her in his facebook name and he does nor want to hide that he talked funny talke with her.
    I felt a cold water ,a warm stream of weather went down from my heart to may stomach.It was pain.And all of this comes after i toled him some days ago that if he is not going to marry me then i do not want to be his girlfriend any more.I have been in 7 years and he just is not ready to do anything with that.
    I am strong,i am a doctor.I have all i need but i am afraid sometimes,i feel myself weak sometimes and i am so afraid not to stand with what i said.
    I do not know ehat he does is the sign that he is going out of relation?He said he does not want to marry .I am afraid ….

  12.  #12mary on February 16, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Dear V
    It is so nice to read seems to me that we have almost the same situation.I have my boyfriend of 7 years living with me in the same house and he does not want to get marry and he does not want to go away.But difference is everyday he finds another woman to have as his friends and some of them are not talking with him just about their jobs but about their sexual life ,how they feel,their pain,….all emotional issues.
    I am ready to take the next step,a little afraid,…

  13.  #13Stephanie on February 16, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    I’m 41, single mother of four boys, have been married four times. I realize in looking back, most of the mistakes I’ve made and accept a good portion of the responsibility as I am the one that ultimately made the poor decisions to hold on to “bad” relationships that resulted in marriage or pregnancy then marriage. I call myself a survivor of child abuse. My abuse started at age three and continued on until high-school when I met my boyfriend who became my first husband. He helped me in a sense to stand up for myself and I felt protected when with him. My marriage ended because of physical abuse. Second marriage infidelity. Third marriage physical, emotional and verbal abuse and infidelity. Fourth marriage verbal and emotional abuse. Many times through out the course of many years had considered just ending it because all of this has been hard for me to understand.

    I would say my fourth marriage was by far the hardest even though there was no physical abuse but the emotional abuse was at such an elevated level I hit rock bottom. Rock bottom allowed me to reflect heavily on my actions over the years – realizing that I had to regain my self confidence and learn to love me. I started taking time for myself, started a business career that was a passion of mine and for the first time, really found me.

    Nine months ago, I met a man while out on the lake with friends. He wasn’t someone I had an immediate attraction to however we exchanged numbers and scheduled our first date.

    He’s seven years older than me and has been divorced for 8 years. Him and his ex have two children ages 13 & 15. In hearing his story, he didn’t want the divorce and was willing to do anything to save his family but a couple years ago, realized that there would be no way to save his relationship with his ex-wife and “lost feelings” for her (this is what she wanted). When he met me, he pursued me as “hot and heavy” as it gets. I was told (and I believe) that I am the first woman that he’s been serious with since the divorce. He is very active in his church and immediately wanted me to go to church with him (after a couple months I did and have continued to do so). Belongs to promise keepers….. told me “I am the love of his life”…. called me his angel…. etc. He REALLY treated me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated and have been looking for my entire life.

    At first I was very hesitant. I told him that I wasn’t looking for anything serious but he continued to pursue me (persistently yet patiently). He never made me feel pressured. Just assured me that eventually “I” would see that he was the real deal. After a couple months, found myself falling in love with him and it was as wonderful as any woman could ever want. I was a little afraid and told him that it scared me that he was “so ready” and that everything was moving so quickly but he would gently grab my wrist, tell me that no matter what he would never leave me, always treat me that way I deserved to be treated. For the first time in my life….. I really believed I had found a man that I could trust and count on.

    Things turned in November. Over the summer, the “ex-wife”, in realizing that he was moving on, became very jealous. She called a meeting and gave him a choice. Get rid of me, or she was moving the kids to another town closer to her family. He stuck by my side…. she moved. The kids were miserable and started complaining right away once school started. She had promised the kids she would move back if it wasn’t working for them but refused when it came down to it. My boyfriend ended up moving away, back to where the kids had been living so they could move back to the only school they have really known.

    The ex-wife has been so extremely jealous of me from the very beginning. The 13 year old has come to “hate” me because of it (she is constantly asking him questions about dad and I).

    I imagine a lot has to do with the stress of all of this, but my “perfect” relationship came crashing down in November. All the trust I had felt…. gone. The man I counted on….. gone. He started not texting, calling, etc.

    Despite all of that he proceeded to order my engagement ring….. saying that he knew it was what he really wanted…. just had to work through what his ex was putting the kids through and get them settled. I think in “trying” to understand everything that was going on, I pushed him farther and farther away because of my stress. He eventually cancelled the ring on New Year’s Eve.

    He’s never quite completely ended our relationship. He’s asked for space and until a couple weeks ago when I came across your site…. I couldn’t see through the pain. Last week, I quit looking for the texts, phone calls, complaining aboout lack of and I did see a change….. I’m actually looking forward to receiving the information so I can really dig into it.

    I’m concerned though that I’m with someone that may be really unavailable, but can’t let me go? In moving to the kid’s hometown and renting a house, because of his job, his ex has to come down and stay with the kids while he’s away. Because of her jealousy, he doesn’t put pictures up of us in his house. Because of her jealousy, I’m not allowed to the house when the kids are around. This has been hard for me to understand as we went from spending every day/evening(night) together to spending very minimal time together. I almost feel like a “mistress”…..
    He has returned the last couple of weeks to telling me he loves me, calling me, texting me some. Huge steps from where it had been. However, I know I need help setting myself bounderies. I know I love him….. miss the man I had prior to November. Advice…. please?

  14.  #14V on February 17, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Dear Mary,
    Though it is nice to know there’s someone else out there who is sitting where I sit, so to speak, it is not nice to know there’s plenty of men in the world who are doing this. Do you think your guy is possibly trying to get close to these other women, finding out what makes them tick, so he can sleep with them? As for my situation, I’ve figured out a plan for myself. I’m not talking or communicating with him, seeing him or anything of the like for the next few months. At the end of that two months, I’ll take his calls when it’s convenient for me, not him. If he doesn’t call before Wed. of the week to ask me out, then I will have plans, even if it’s just to sit at the house and file my nails. It’s still plans, it’s still valid. There will be no more “fancy free” type dates. He calls it that, I see it as last minute. And I won’t be telling him anything about my life. No clues as to what I’ve been doing, or what is taking up my time. And then I will hand him the bomb in a conversational tone of voice: I’ve been waiting for you to make up your mind about me for years and I’ve waited patiently. I’ve stopped waiting. And then I’ll simply hang up. I figure he’ll do one of two things: 1. He’ll either step up and be a man and admit to what I’ve allowed him to get away with through the years. or 2. He’ll step off and I’ll never see or hear from him again. He’ll either be a 100% in, or he’ll have to be 100% gone. I’ve made peace with both.

  15.  #15Rori Raye on February 18, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Stephanie – thank you for your story, and I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Here’s the thing…if you can back away and Circular Date – and still be warm and melty and lovely and sweet and leaned back when he’s around – and good sex is a part of this, too…the only logical thing is for him to marry you and figure out the logistics of this. (With prenuptial agreements if money is an issue for him.) Question is – do you wish to be in the middle of all this? I’m not sure I would. See the movie “Step Mom” (not sure if that’s the title) and what the Julia Roberts character has to go through. (I know it’s fiction, but it’s probably way less upsetting than real life.) If yo take THIS attitude, instead of having expectations and wanting things from him – and can just sit back and see if this is what YOU want…and Circular Date to keep your sanity and have companionship and some fun…you’ll be able to get a lot more clear on all of this. Love, Rori

  16.  #16Jim on July 20, 2010 at 10:08 am

    It is really scary when relationship fails and end it bad situations. It is a two way relationship that we have to consider both. We should never stop our emotion in showing that will boast their confidence and let them feel that we appreciate that they did for us. Sex and the City movie is a picture of reality of relationship around us and it is something that we should also consider.

  17.  #17Mrs. Harris on September 15, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    I have a 30 years .. And over the past 4 years I carrie rules as part of my … And I must say that they are effective …

  18.  #18Steven on January 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    I find it hard to lean back and do the tools and begin to panic almost, realizing I am going back to overfunctioning and leaning forward and can’t help it. It is so nice to read seems to me that we have almost the same situation.I have my boyfriend of 7 years living with me in the same house and he does not want to get marry and he does not want to go away. Thank you.

  19.  #19Florence on January 10, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I want to feel respected and admired and loved, and relaxed:( its been hard admitting to myself that my friend does not feel the way about me that i do about him. i hope i feel confident instead of insecure and that i feel like my own person and that that is ok.