Celebrate Everything – Even HIM

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I really liked this article:

http://theoldoakswing.blogspot.com/2008/11/my-marriage-part-2-Celebrate.html – but it doesn’t exist anymore! I’ll try to get in touch with her and see if I can get it back…

Basically, the article is about Celebrating marriage, Celebrating life – Celebrating yourself, him, sharing time, thinking up ways to Celebrate everything.

Okay – the article clearly refers to a marriage where both people are engaged in Celebrating each other and the marriage.

So what if HE’S not Celebrating much at all – what if he’s hardly there, emotionally and spiritually, and maybe even physically?

What if he’s not cooperating, or going to counseling with you, or listening to you, or contributing much of anything at all, except for most of the anger, resentment, withholding and general heart-breaking activities?

Well – you know, if you’ve tried any of my Tools and read any of my work, that I’m all about Celebrating YOURSELF.  So let’s extend the idea right now – to include HIM – even if most of the time you hardly think there’s anything about him to Celebrate, and that he’s just not worth it anyway.

Start by IMAGINING that by Celebrating him, you’re HELPING yourself.  Imagine that by practicing Celebrating anything (even the soap, the wastebasket, the tissues you’re blowing your nose with, the cold you have, the food left in the pot…) you’re BUILDING your ability to RECEIVE Celebration.

How does that feel?  The whole idea of Receiving Celebration?

In other words – what if all kinds of people and molecules and air currents and plants and things are Celebrating YOU?

Let that sink in for a moment.  What if YOU are to be Celebrated?  Just for being YOU.  And What if by your Celebrating HIM, you’re opening a door?

Yes, what if, just by Celebrating everything, and by imagining that you’re being Celebrated by everything, you’re opening a magical door where Celebration begets more Celebration.  Where Celebration itself makes the party.  Where Celebrating is it’s OWN reward, it’s own gift, and is magical all by itself.

I love this idea.  I love doing it.  As I look at everything, and see everything, and experience everything as both Celebrating me and receiving my Celebration, a feeling of magic goes through me.

Notice, while you’re doing this, that Celebration has nothing to do with GIVING.

Celebrating him is NOT giving to him.  It’s a kind of Appreciation, but more than that, it ASSUMES the fact that life is a party.  That life itself is something to Celebrate.

Celebrate yourself, first, then Celebrate everything around you, including him, and let me know how it feels for you.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on December 1, 2008 at 9:22 pm

    Yay Rori! I love this! Whenever I am able to get into this idea I have so much fun… sometimes on my good days I wake up and decide… I am on vacation to Mexico today… and everything feels like a vacation… such a different vibe!

  2.  #2alias girl on December 2, 2008 at 1:40 am

    hmmm. i tired that link but it said the pag did not exist. it could be bc i am on my cellphone though and things on the wen do not always operate properly on my cell.

    thank you rori. seriously. i mean for real. the more i am using your tools things are really changing form me. things i have tried for years to shift. it’s like ohhhhh i get it. things are so much clearer. my behavior. how i treat myself. my attraction level. i am totally starting to get it. and you have such a knack for coming at it from so many different angles that it WILL sink in eventually if someon sticks with it. so yeah totally thank you.

    in case anyone was wondering i had a lovely day at work today thank you.heheh. i feel safe. i feel free. i feel adult and dignified and on track.

    i feel so grateful that it feels like tears welling up in my eyes.

    i thought my whole life was going to be crammed into this tiny little cramped space just so i could stay feeling safe. but i am expanding and experimenting and i still feel safe.

    i keep thinking about my ex. just one of them though. not the others. i could never choose the others. but my ex is still choosable. i wish he would choose me. oh well. it’s not like somebody else won’t. besides maybe the somebody else will be better for me. i don’t feel stuck on anyone right now. ok maybe a little on my ex but it’s not this energy lock with him. it’s not like i think about him all the time and that bondage kind of feeling.

    anyway. i’m not done dating. i’m gonna date some fun cute funny charming Romantic wonderful men. and have some sex. and have fun. 🙂

  3.  #3Caj13 on December 2, 2008 at 6:48 am

    And don’t hesitate to add some self-pleasuring to the festive mix!

    There were some wonderings on here about the possible bad side-effects of masturbation (the ear-thing probably goes back millenia to some paleolithical coincidence!). I think that if anything, research shows it’s not only harmless but definitely beneficial, for both sexes and all ages. And on the religious front, even the saintly Sister Emmanuelle, who just died at near 100, proned it (along with full acceptance and rejoicing in female sexuality. Times have certainly changed.)

    And don’t worry about becoming too finicky or complacent and just wanting to stick with your unmessy self, and thinking ‘Why bother with the real thing? Most guys will never get it as right as I do”. Because other research has shown that if the same general reactions and benefits come about from self-pleasuring, in real, live intercourse they are far more intense, powerful and multi-dimensional. And this is true for both men and women. Even though guys have been jacking off since wee tiny tots exactly to their taste , just look at how they still can’t get enough of real women, despite not necessarily having the conscious, added motivation to form relationships through sex as women tend to. (Porn addiction or dependence on prostitutes can keep men away from the real thing however.)

    So let’s go for it, and maybe practice some good feeling ways to tell it like it is and how we want it. Like in other feeling messages, there are ways that can backfire. I remember a guy (25) once who wrote in about having had a perfectly satisfactory sex life and no hang-ups about his attributes, until one night with a certain girl. They had a great time in bed, and from what he repeated she said, it was obvious she was trying to show her appreciation of how well he took care of her. But in all she said there was one tiny remark about size, something like ‘it just goes to show you don’t have to be Rocco Siffredi to be fabulous (to those who don’t know, a porn star with definitively over the top dimensions) . He went into a tailspin for 2 years!, obssessing about his possibly not measuring up, (even tho’ to a woman it sounds like she was saying just the opposite) – needless to say he never called her back. So, in this domain, ladies, keep it short and sweet, and definitely ONLY ABOUT YOURSELF.

  4.  #4Maria on December 2, 2008 at 6:58 am

    Alias girl…LOL…you go girl! I’m kind of in the same boat with you except that right now I don’t want to have sex with anyone else, and only because I don’t want to become attached or bonded with anyone…Been dating other man but somehow it’s like I feel that I’m too good to give myself away anymore, you know? Well before Rori I was never like that at all, I was so needy and clingy, and nice…now I’m my true self, my core A BITCH, inside and soft in the outside…HA HA….I’m moving into my own little evicency apt. this Saturday..after living w/my mom for almost 2 years…Wow what a CELEBRATION…and if you knew my mom you would CELEBRATED with me too…I’m so happy! things can only get BETTER…YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAA! love to all you DIVAS out there….

  5.  #5Reshi on December 2, 2008 at 9:24 am

    You want me to do WHAT? Celebrate my cocksucker soon-to-be-ex? Sure, I’ll give it a try…

  6.  #6Carmela on December 2, 2008 at 9:58 am

    I can celebrate myself. I can celebrate my ex, or I can celebrate my imaginary lover. I like the idea, it gets you into space that you feel a little extra joy just in general. I can see how that would bring in more joy as you are celebrating. I like that. Thanks, Rori.

  7.  #7Caj13 on December 2, 2008 at 10:06 am

    No Reshi, I think not. You already did enough verbal honoring (no sarcasm meant) of him in your previous posts – you were actually quite fair and empathetic, and that should be more than enough in that department. How about concentrating on ones who’ll have the privilege of getting practiced on by you, with a special toast to the one who’ll be there when you’re ready for him.

  8.  #8Caj13 on December 2, 2008 at 10:19 am

    Reshi, your swamp woman will undoubtedly find your ex lurking on the edge of your blow-out party anyway, and I’m sure at that point your good heart won’t begrudge him the few crumbs he chose to settle for.

  9.  #9Reshi on December 2, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    Thanks Caj13, that’s a great way to put it. Because I keep forgetting it, but there are other men in the picture even if they are online manwhores that I mostly ignore. And it’s much nicer to think of my life as being BIGGER than just one guy I was married to for several years.

    In fact, when I put it that way, it’s easy to celebrate my ex as someone who saw that I needed to FLY on my own and so kicked me out of the nest. Because I couldn’t fly when I was with him, I couldn’t really be who I wanted to be. I was always scared, always hanging on his reactions or what I THOUGHT his reactions were going to be. And yeah when I was kicked out I found myself in free fall…and it is actually kind of exhilarating, and now with a potential career change in the works (one I couldn’t have done when I was with him) I have caught a breeze that I can ride as I beat my wings for the first few tentative times.

    So hell yes, I’ll celebrate all of it.

  10.  #10alias girl on December 2, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    yes reshi i second what caj 13 said. i celebrate your dreams coming true! which at this moment in time your ex didn’t want to contribute to. you are going to be so happy! i celebrate that!

    and congrats maria! i celebrate with you on your step towards independence and freedom and wealth and happiness and all good things!

    all the ladies! all the ladies! (this is from a song) yae i celebrate!

    i celebrate today. i and being Female! and practicing with all the men who are tripping over themselves to get to us and trying to work out how he’s going to approach us before we get away.

    all the ladies!

  11.  #11Daria on December 2, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Why do I have weeks where I wake up feeling so tense and desperate and icky? Like I am feeling needing of attention, sex, and if I give myself a chance I feel like crying ? (I did the drawing exercise and almost burst into tears within 5 seconds before I got so surprised it stopped).

    Then sometimes I have weeks of waking up feeling great, although right now they seem so far away… but I think maybe you guys will remember the happy me from a few weeks ago… Is it hormones? It seems so… what can I do about this…

    I want the guy I like to call me and tell me he wants me to be his girlfriend. And he would like to make love to me right now and he is coming to me in his car.

    That would make me feel better, and really any attention from an attractive man would make me feel better right now. I feel like puking.

    My mom just came in and made me feel better, I am crying now! I feel so weird. I love myself and I don’t want to feel so icky…!! I love my icky feelings… and my crying! I feel confused as to why I’m doing this… its coming up that voices are telling me “im worthless” and that im not really working on my career. BUT I DONT WANT TO WORK ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARGH!! And I love that part of me! and part of me does want it to just happen for me, effortlessly. I feel nauseaus. I love my nausea. I love my tears that have now stopped all of a sudden. How am I supposed to be putting out a good “vibe” when I feel like a gross thing!!! I feel gross! I AM GROSS!!! I love my grossness… maybe this is what Rori meant about loving our gross parts and how it woud help… because if I was loving the gross desperate way I feel right now I would be inspiring other ppl like the guy I like to love me too! But I am not inspiring ****!@ I feel SO MAD!!!!! I FEEEL MAAAAAAAAAAAD!!! I FEEL OUTRAGED!!! I feel ashamed and out of control, and confused! I love my out of control feelings… they are kind of cool… and that kind of feels like smiling now… and now it feels like more nausea coming up… I wish I had a a thing to do that i KNEW was fun for me to do everytime. I do have my mp3 recordings… hmm and reading… although that seems kind of effortful… and working out is also effortful… I just seem to be wanting sex in this contorted, physical, gross way… and I want to love myself for it. I wish I could pleasure myself so wonderfully that it would almost be a substitute for a guy like some of you guys say… not even close… it seems I’m practically forcing myself… I’m probably doing it all wrong… and then I get sleepy so maybe Im like a guy and lose life force… it definitely feels like that… ICKY… DISGUSTING!!!! I Feel disgusting… and that feels like mouth all tight and scrunched up… I feel like punching at the disgusting thingy that I am imagining in the air in front of me… and now I just did punch it a bunch of times and that feels silly and fun and I feel like laughing now… and now I feel all shaky… it’s almost like a hangover without the headache… thank God… I love my shaky desperate feelings… I love feeling desperate… it makes me feel so human… and I love that… it makes me feel like I fit in with my guy friends maybe… that I can get desperate like them… maybe its an easy excuse for having sex… although Im not having it… I feel nauseous, and I love my nausea… how intense I must be feeling to have this nausea! I feel like a wall between me and my guy… I feel rejected by him although he is not rejecting me really… I feel like I am putting this wall up with my vibe and I feel angry at myself!!! and I don’t know how to take it down because I can’t change the gross way I feel! Maybe I don’t want to change how I feel… I love how I feel and I love that I feel… maybe I will channel this energy and do something amazing with it… although that feels GROSS!!! It feels gross because it’s adding to my feeling of unworthiness that I am not doing anything amazing with it right now… and I feel so angry… I want to take a big cartoon hammer and bash myself over the head like Rori says Wily Coyote style! And that is ok, but part of me does not want to bash myself, or be bashed… and I love both parts of me… I am putting the hammer down now… great… now I’ve crumpled by the hammer in tears… and that is ok… I have plenty of things to be sad about …. and its ok to be sad… I love myself… pooor me…. what a sad life I have… I deserve to cry… I love myself… I am being serious right now btw…

    my play brother just called and he wants to hang out… and my God sister called me on the other line… that is nice… I feel special…

    I still feel gross in my throat… and I love my grossness… now I want to go out and play though!!! I feel excited…

    Bye you guys…

  12.  #12Cassandra on December 2, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    Congrats Reshi and Maria! There are awesome things that are going to come along with these changes in your lives! 🙂 YAY!! Daria….I think that we all go through those waves of emotion…I admire how you riff about them and turn the dark ones around. I am still working on that.

    I do want to celebrate Charles and the good things about him. I actually told him yesterday or the day before how much I appreciated all that he does for us and how hard he works to take care of things/ us. I don’t hink he knows how to receive a compliment but then again neither do I. There are things about him that I love so much and perhaps it is because of him and his behavior or his choices that landed me here and wnating to change ME for ME and ME alone. He can reap the benefits of the changes that I am working on making but they are for me. That felt great to verbalize…..it made me feel strong for a moment. I feel good today and I celebrate that in itself. I looked into going to a CODA group today but there isn’t one near me today so I am going to try for tomorrow. I want Charles to want me..to love me and need me in his life as not only his other half but as his best friend. He told me this morning that whatever I am facing with these impending health issues that I will not go thru this alone – that HE will be by my side and that made me cry happy tears. I know that because he is on the road that he can’t be there every day but for him to even let me know that he is there for me meant so so so much. I feel good right now and am enjoying that feeling.

    I love you guys. XOXO

    Oh…forgot to ask a question…Rori should I start with Toxic Men or Reconnect? I can’t remember what you recommended.

  13.  #13Reshi on December 2, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    Cassandra, I’m so glad to hear that you’re finally getting support from Charles, that must feel great! I’ve been struggling today with feelings of doubt–like what if this wonderful new “direction” I’ve planned for myself ends up only leading me to more failure, destruction, and heartbreak? What if I’m all wrong about everything and Rori’s all wrong about everything and the only voice that’s right is the nasty voice in my head that’s always trying to smack me down and make me small? After I’ve come this far to be out from under its control…
    I want to feel like I’ll dig myself out of the pit and more than that, like I’ll find myself skyrocketing up the mountain! And that would feel like an energetic, enthusiastic faith in Me. And just typing those words brings that little man specter of fear back into my head. He’s an engineer constantly turning a big wheel to keep my mind closed, he looks like my ex. And I say “look dude, I love you and all, and you’re an important part of me…but SRSLY. I’m going to reassign your position elsewhere in the company, you don’t get the job of keeping my mind closed to the good and open to the bad anymore. Here, I’ll increase your salary 200% if you just Flip what you’re doing, keep my mind CLOSED against sending my energy out to men, and OPEN to receiving positive inspiration from the universe and lovely energy FROM men. How does that sound?” He grumbles at having to change the status quo but he sets about his new job with energetic determination, knowing he’s well compensated. And that feels like peace, assurance, and power.

  14.  #14JP on December 2, 2008 at 4:50 pm

    Reshi, I love that last image of the little engineer and what you said to him!! 🙂

  15.  #15Cassandra on December 2, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    Reshi….Thanks! I am happy for you and the fact that you are now in such a better place within yourself. I loave how you stated “I want to feel like I’ll dig myself out of the pit and more than that, like I’ll find myself skyrocketing up the mountain! And that would feel like an energetic, enthusiastic faith in Me. ” because just by even flipping the dark voices around you painted this beautiful, STRONG and free image of what you want and where you want to be therein giving you a goal or final destination. How cool is that?!! You are there Girl!! It may not feel that way but when you go to take a trip you can’t just set out and hit the road (Well I suppose some people can – hee hee) without a plan…without a destination or at least a dream of where you want to end up and you created this awesome, strong destination by allowing yourself to really feel and experience those darker/ soupier feelings. I admire that so much in you! Not only that but if you re-read your post you will see that YOU took control of those darker/ soupier feelings and sort of turned the tables on that doubt and put yourself back in the boss’s chair where you belong! At least this is how I see it from where I sit….I think it’s awesome! In the end you ended up at peace, assurance and power! How cool is that?! I think you’re doing GREAT! I send you a big hug and lots of love to all……

  16.  #16alias girl on December 2, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    i feel scared. i feel like i should run and hide for a million years. i feel inadequate to be with a man bc i don’t know how to be a girlfriend. 🙁 i feel sad. i feel great when i’m all living in lala land with my fantasies but reality is awkward and i don’t know how to be a girlfriend or go on romantic dates or be authentic with someone i love. i feel sad and that just feels calm and sad. like tears but no heavy gasps of breath. just quiet tears. i feel vulnerable. i love my vulnerablitiy. i love my blurry vision bc of my tears. i love my calm (resigned?) sadness. it’s been this way for so long. i’ve been alone and NOT in a real relationship for so long that it would be like teaching an eighty year old ballet. and therels never gonna be a dance troupe that will star him/her in their recital. i feel like a man i love could never love me back. could never be loyal. i feel like the men i don’t like well of course they like me of course they could think they love me.but not the men i love. and it doesn’t make sense. i have proof that the men i loved in the past loved me too.

    but it doesn’t become real for years later when they say oh yes i loved you much.

    i want real time love. ie. i love you bub. yes bub i love you too

  17.  #17Bethany on December 2, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    Daria, you are doing awesome work embracing your gross feelings. I want to do the same. I feel exactly the same way right now. I feel gross in my stomach, like throwing up from loneliness and fighting the urge to call him…the voice in my head is panicking me, telling me that if I don’t call him, he’s going to think I don’t like him, and that’s just my old pattern of wanting to jump in and help when he drops the ball. He’s really busy and that’s fine, I don’t need to sit and wait…but I AM! And that feels gross…I just made a date to have a drink with this guy friend of mine who likes me…oh shit…I feel like I’m not ready for this. The guy who asked me to be his girlfriend introduces me to people, including his family, as his “FRIEND” so what the hell? I can have men friends, if I meet them and don’t kiss or touch or have sex with them…but I feel guilty! I want to feel not guilty, like I’m okay with all my choices…that would feel like protecting my interests and taking care of myself. Which feels scary. I feel like I’m losing control. I just want to scream in frustration. That feels like roaring in my ears. I just want him to spend some time with me where we’re connected and relaxed!!! I feel soooo upset…why won’t he call me? I feel like I’m putting up a wall, like Daria said, with my vibe. It’s a knee-jerk thing, and I don’t like it. I feel upset and like I just want to run home and get a hug from my mom but I can’t because she’s in Australia. I feel so lonely, and I’m trying to love this feeling…the loneliness, it feels shaking in my stomach and crying, oh my god, crying…

    I danced to some music in my room and I feel better. I feel like channeling my energy into cleaning my room.

  18.  #18Becca on December 2, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    Bethany I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Especially the part where you spend time with your guy friend and he is interested and you are not ready for that. I feel exactly the same way right now. I have been hanging out with a guy friend for the last couple of months and the other day he texts me saying “what would you say if I asked you on a real date” and my first thought was “oh crap, I don’t need this right now.” I feel like I am not over my ex yet and if I had just met this other guy i wouldn’t have so much of a problem but I have been friends with this guy since before got together with my ex (almost 3 years ago). I feel scared now for so many reasons. I feel like an emotional trainwreck right now. And I am moving interstate in 2 months time and this guy knows that… I just can’t understand why he would want to start something when he knows I’m leaving soon. I used feeling messages to tell him I was unsure and all that and it seemed to just make him even more persistant. Arrghh! Guys!
    Btw I am in Australia, Bethany, so hugs from down under! I hope it all works out for you hun.


  19.  #19Bethany on December 3, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks Becca! I hope you feel better about this guy and your situation…it’s just one day at a time, I think.

    ANYONE who has any advice, please help: I saw him at work today, and he seemed really distant and stood far away from me. I asked him if he would help me move some things out of my car and he said yeah, let me know…so I called him tonight: Is that a no, even if he said go ahead and do it? And he seemed really distant on the phone too, Oh, I’m just making some supper…I’ll come over in about an hour…so, we chatted a little about our days and now I feel like I shouldn’t have called. Is this chasing him? I just want him to feel connected to me but he doesn’t…what would you guys do??!!!

  20.  #20Cassandra on December 3, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Bethany…I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and anxious. I would try to not focus on him and what he is doing, thinking or feeling. Focus on YOU and YOU alone. If he can indeed help with moving your things then great but if he seems cold and distant I would find another someone to help you as his distance does not seem to me that it would be good for you to be around. I would try to find someone else to help me if I were you. Just my two cents but I just don’t want you to be in a situation where you feel out of control or anxious in any way but rather in situations where you feel strong and that you can handle anything without him because YOU CAN! You’re doing a great job so just keep it up! 🙂

    I myself am feeling so down right now and unbelievably sad and scared but it is not about Charles or ‘us’. I hope that it is ok that I share this here as this is my only outlet and REAL place of any type of support outside of Charles and his support depends on if he is in an emotional place where he can step out of himself and I don’t mean that in a mean way at all. I found out on Monday evening that I have cervical cancer and I am terrified. I have not told anyone in my family as my Mom just lost her father (my Grandfather) and my Dad was her emotional support for months before my Grandfather died. I am not close to my sister and the only other people that I am the least bit close to are my friends from where I moved here from and I don’t want to tell them either as they cannot do anything and will pressure me (with their hearts in the right place) to come back there. Charles has been amazingly supportive but I don’t want to be his charity cause either…I want him to support me because he WANTS to be there for me and love me whether I am going thru this or not but how can I tell which is which? I have an appointment on Friday morning for a biopsy and will have the results soon thereafter. If they caught it in time the prognosis is pretty good but if they didn’t that is another story…I can only hope that they did. I feel so scared right now and so damn angry. I have been through hell with my health my entire life and have struggled to get to the point where I am healthy and can do the things that I want to do and now this? Sorry…I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but I am pissed…i am so damn tired of everything being a fight for me. I want to lead a loving, peaceful, wonderful, joy filled life with the man that I love and things be smooth for once. I feel like I want to scream my head off right now! I am going to go and take a hot bath and come back here in a little while after I watch Rudloph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I know I will beat this but it is the whole point that once again I am in another fight for my life. Thanks for being there and listening…I love you guys. XOXO

  21.  #21Rori Raye on December 3, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    Bethany – His distance may have NOTHING to do with you, or it might – but boyfriends help girlfriends move things out of their cars – period. You have to work through this, not run from it – and I know you’re going to keep flirting and letting men get your phone numbers so you don’t feel so trapped. Love, Rori

  22.  #22Cassandra on December 3, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    Bethany..i am so sorry…i did not mean to mislead you at all. I have a ton to learn. I was just trying to be supportive…sorry about that.

  23.  #23Reshi on December 3, 2008 at 8:38 pm

    *HUGS* to Cassandra, you are in my prayers. I am hoping for you to come out of this with a positive outcome.

  24.  #24Rori Raye on December 3, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    Cassandra – I so want you to know I LOVED your message to Bethany – and if my comment led you to believe you were wrong in some way – NO! You’re fantastic! And you were exactly RIGHT! I was actually ADDING to your comment, and next time I’ll be more careful to let you all know that that’s what I’m doing.

    I haven’t disagreed with a single thing any of you have said so far – I would let you know by personal email if I thought I could tweak anything that way…And Cassandra, I really think you are great, so please keep giving advice – you’re WONDERFUL at it.

    What’s so great about this is you all come up with things I haven’t thought of – and it gives me so much to jump off of.

    Second, Cassandra, I will hold you in my thoughts that you will get the best prognosis possible – and I just know you will, and know also that we’re all here for you no matter what.

    And, excuse me, but it’s OKAY to feel sorry for yourself! You’re entitled to feel all kinds of things right now, you’ll be bouncing around emotionally until you settle into your strength – I just LOVE your anger – it will fuel you and help you so much. Please let us know all that goes on for you, and I’ll see if I can find someone to guest post and comment here who knows something about what you’re going through and can help you even more. Love, Rori

  25.  #25Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 9:56 am

    Thanks Rori for your post! I so appreciate your comments, encouragement and love. It made me feel so great when you said tha you thought that I am wonderful in the things that I say. I just want to be an encouragement to everyone here as you are all to me! Having you guys here means more to me than you could know especially given the fact that I am so isolated..and don’t get me wrong that was also partly my fault for coming here of course I did that trusting Charles….live and learn I suppose! You guys really are a rock for me and I do love you all so much. It makes me so mad when I read about one of us being mistreated or hurt by a man who cannot appreciate the beautiful gift that he has in front of him…..I just can’t stand for anyone here to be hurt in any way shape or form!
    Thank you also for your support with my health issues. I feel totally fine…just pissed off!! 🙂 hee hee I do know that I will come through this it is just that I am so tired of fighting for or with my health that’s all. I have the official biopsy tomorrow morning and will update you when I find out the details. I think that the biggest thing for me is that this could totally derail me ever having a child and that is what I have wanted since I was a little girl myself. I have always wanted to be a Mom and now that may never happen for me. That breaks my heart. Thanks Rori for trying to find someone that knows about this – I look forward to it.
    I really do love you guys!

  26.  #26Bethany on December 4, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    THANK YOU Rori and Cassandra for your advice…I went out last night with a guy friend of mine, and it was sooo much fun! I felt like I wasn’t sitting around focusing on my guy…he texted me and said he was busy and sorry we couldn’t get together, and I texted back that it was okay, I understand, with finals and everything…

    But today, I saw him in the computer lab and he was nice and he asked me and our mutual friend about going to a musical…I left and he followed me out and asked what I was doing. I said that I was thinking about going home this weekend but I wasn’t sure, maybe it was a silly idea…he seemed a little disappointed, and said well, let me know what you’re going to do…he moved his body farther away from me when he said that…I felt so tense and nervous! I’m so expecting the other shoe to drop that everytime I see him I feel soooooo clammed up…I have the worst urge to just turn on my heel and RUN…and like Rori said, I can’t run, I have to work through it…and I have to flirt! I have to keep in touch with other men…last night was a good step…BUT, YOU GUYS! What if you CIRCULAR DATE AND THEN HE STARTS DATING OTHER WOMEN? Wouldn’t you just feel destroyed and jealous?

  27.  #27Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Bethany….I totally know what you mean. I would absolutely feel devastated if Charles started to see another woman or women. I would be crushed. I am not sure that I would be able to be committed to him again if he did that but is that fair? I am not circular dating right now becasue we are in a committed relationship that I hope is heading toward marriage one day but with all that has happened…who knows. Right now I have to focus on me and totally me but in your situation I would feel the same way….I would not be ok with him seeing other women. I guess though if you are focused on YOU and having your own fun with or without him would it matter? I am not sure because I have never been in that situation. Rori….what are your thoughts on this?

    Bethany – remember Rori doing an article on circular dating about a month or so back. I am not sure if she addressed this there but she may have. I am so glad that you went out last night and had fun for YOU!
    Love and hugs…

  28.  #28TW on December 4, 2008 at 6:24 pm

    Hello everyone. Cassandra, I jsut read your whole message and now I understand. Again I say I love you. You have been there for me and now I will be here for you for whatever you need. I am going to celebrate me today!! I am going to celebrate the emptiness I feel on my job of not advancing to the level or at the rate that I want to. I embrace my anger for feeling held back. I clebrate the time I got to spend with my love interest the other night. I celebrate the great sex we had and falling asleep in his arms. I celebrate the deep kisses he gave me prior to making love to me. I celebrate the phone call he gave me. I celebrate the fact that I have not picked up my phone and called him or text him since Monday when HE called me other than to discuss subjects that had to be taken care of. I celebrate the fact that he has not called. I celebrate my anger and disappointment that he has not called me but he did text me Tuesday. I celebrate the disappointment I feel because he has not given me true commitment yet and marriage after all this time. I celebrate the fact that I have found this blog and some lovely ladies to talk to me and get my mind off a man. I celebrate the fact that loving ghim brings me to tears. I celebrate the fact that I am pissed off because he just seems to be so distant with me these days but I know it started with me pressutring him about relationships and then I went into overfunctioning mode and practically begged him to spend time with me and he wouldnt answer my text at night nor my calls. I celebrate me being me!!!

  29.  #29TW on December 4, 2008 at 6:24 pm

    I forgot one thing, I celebrate finding Rori’s website!!!

  30.  #30JP on December 4, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Hi TW, I’ve been wondering how you are! 🙂

  31.  #31TW on December 4, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    I have been in another blog but I have missed you guys. I see you have been going through some things. I am going through some things too but I am all about trying to do better at getting to know myself. I am ready to settle down but I do not know how to get my guy on the same page. I have not called him but I really want to pick up the phone and hear his voice or him call me and ask me to dinner ya know. I am re reading Rori’s e book to get some more ideas. I was telling the other ladies in the other post that I was going to get Christian Carter’s e book and read that one along with Rori’s. I saw her in one of his videos on you tube.

  32.  #32JP on December 4, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    I got Christian Carter’s book but, personally, I found his advice scary. I didn’t feel changed by it, not in the way Rori’s stuff has changed me.

    That’s great that you’re getting to know yourself! I found that as my self-awareness in relationships increased and I used the Tools, my anxiety decreased and I was able to make contact – not out of neediness, but spontaneously or because it suited me, and that was fine. It’s the vibe that counts.

  33.  #33TW on December 4, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Someone else told me that it was not very helpful for them either. I guess it is different for different people but I want to order it but then again I don’t but it does have a free trial so it can’t hurt that much. I am trying to use Rori’s tools by not making contact with him and letting him come to me but I have not talked to him since Tuesday morning when I left him in my bed and then we text throughout the day but I did not call him yesterday or today but I woul dlove to hear his voice. I would love for him to take me out. I tried the I FEEL stuff on him Monday and I could tell he was listening because we have not had a conversation like that in a long time. It was really nice and I wish it would go back to the way it was when he talked to me all the time and went out all the time and did stuff together. I really miss all of that and I just want to be with him. I feel in my heart with him is where I want to be but just do not know how to go about it.

  34.  #34JP on December 4, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Sounds like the ‘I feel’ got him listening and having a better conversation with you than in a long time – that’s progress!

  35.  #35TW on December 4, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    It’s progress but I do not understand why he has not called since then. I know it is going to take some time and that is why I am reading the e book to see what Iam supposed to do and not supposed to do because I want his energy and not to give him mine. I want to receive some instead of always giving. That is why he is so comfortable because I have always made myself available. I date other guys and I have slept with someone else but I WANT HIM and HIM ONLY ya know. I know where my heart is. If he asks I do not know how to handle the conversation of my seeing other people. I really want to say since you will not commit yourself to me that kinda makes me single and on the prowl but I know it is not gooe to say that. I need to find a better way to handle that but really it is not his business I guess. I was just venting.

  36.  #36JP on December 4, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    This is THE place to vent!

    I’d recommend the Waterwheel visualisation and the Hundred Men one, too. This is where you picture your energy as a wheel flowing water on to him, but since you want it the other way around, you reverse the wheel in your mind’s eye and FEEL how it is to RECEIVE his energy.

    It’s practice for the real thing, and gets you in the right energetic vibration. That’s when all the interesting stuff starts, but you have to let go of CONTROL – you can’t make him be where you want. I know – it’s frustrating, but trust me, if I can get where I am, ANYONE can. X

    Night night everyone!

  37.  #37TW on December 4, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    JP- I am definitely a control freak!! To not be in control of something scares me to death. Good night. We will talk tomorrow definitely.

  38.  #38nir on December 8, 2008 at 10:57 am


    If you feel that you want him only but since he won’t commit you’re looking for a man who will, what’s wrong with telling him that? Is that bad?

  39.  #39TW on December 8, 2008 at 11:28 am

    I do not feel that there is anything wrong with telling him that I just do not know how to tell him. I need to reread Rori’s book and make sure that I am doing the right thing and saying it in the right way before I do anything.

  40.  #40DocK on December 9, 2008 at 9:03 am

    Thruth From A Man. Very interesting but seems spot on.

    I’m seeing a guy and there are some obstacles. My fear and trust issues being part of that. I have tried to break up with this guy so many times. He always fights me on it (and, obviously,wins). Not that I want to KEEP doing this. In fact, that’s how I ended up getting the tools. It does show, however, that when a man makes his mind up about you, he sort of keeps it that way.

    I can see progress. There was a misunderstanding between us. In the past, I might have responded with a snide, ‘Let’s just go ahead and fight over this, it’s what we’re used to.’ Instead, I said, “I feel sad about this misunderstanding. I didn’t do that. I don’t want to argue with you.” Wow! How different everything went from there.

    When a man makes his mind up – it’s almost bizarre. He’s told me that I “leave no gaps anywhere for him to want or need anything else,” and believe me, although I am learning to love myself and own the whole goddess/siren thing, I’m not one of the “girls next door.”

    There are no guarantees in life. I don’t know how all of this will turn out. I just know that I couldn’t have made the SIGNIFICANT changes in myself that I have without these tools (thank you Rori). I really like this guy and he inspired me to want to be better at relationships. I have worked on myself for a long time but never this hard. Whatever happens with him, every single thing I am learning will be of benefit to me – with or without him.

  41.  #41alias girl on December 9, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    docK i loved what you had to say! thank you so much. i am similar with the trust issues. and abandonment/betrayal issues and i also will often walk away from relationships and the only ones i’ve really had were where the people stuck with me. i don’t want to be that way either. i’ve gotten better. but thanks for your comment. you sound like a sweet person.

  42.  #42Cassandra on December 9, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    Dock…I wish you the best in everything. I am glad that things seem to be working out for you and your guy. You are so right though when you say that with or without him you will be better for YOU! Celebrate that! 🙂 I was also happy to hear you say that it does seem that once a man makes up his mind that you are it, you can’t really change his mind. That made me feel happy! Thanks for sharing and I whish you the best.

  43.  #43TW on December 9, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Dock- that was really sweet and confident of you to say. You seem to be secure in yourself because YOU know that YOU will be okay with or without him in your life. WOW!!!

  44.  #44DocK on December 10, 2008 at 6:52 am

    Dear Ladies,

    Thank you so much for your kind words to me. I have moved around a lot (my choice) but the consequences are that I have often felt somewhat lonely as I have not had many female friends to share things with. You have all made me feel so happy right now and we should never understimate that the support we give to each other helps us feel secure and loved.

    Thanks again. : )

  45.  #45Todd Creager on December 12, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    As a new person on the blogging scene, I am truly inspired by the support that is given and received on this blog. Just wonderful! I do want to comment on Rori’s intitial post about celebrating. As a marriage therapist who deals with couples and individuals struggling in relationship challenges, it is refreshing to read the wisdom of someone who gets the importance of shifting your own energy and not depending on one’s partner or ex-partner, etc. for ones good feelings. And the idea of “receiving celebration” is right on and quite profound- allowing others to celebrate us. The feeling that you walk around with as you experience the world as celebrating you is a very high energy state. I think that is as important a spiritual practice as prayer, meditation or anything else that one can do. Giving and receiving celebration, honoring all of life whether it is going your way or not, is a great way to live and definitely requires some discipline and moment by moment awareness. I think I’ll practice celebrating others (including my less than favorite people) as well as allowing others to celebrate me.

  46.  #46Rori Raye on December 14, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    Todd – so glad you stopped by to comment. All – Todd (http://www.ToddCreager.com) is a dear friend and one of the few therapists I would trust with my life. He has a great book that is actually teaching me some things I’d never thought of (The Long Hot Marriage) – so check him out. I’m going to try to get him to do some guest posts here – a man’s point of view is so incredibly helpful. Love, Rori

  47.  #47Wendy on December 31, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    I just came across this website yesterday, and I’m amazed that so many people are experiencing pretty much the same situations.

    I met someone at work a little over 8 years now. When I started at that job, I had a boyfriend that I allowed things to move way too fast with. At that point, I had been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. After a few months of hanging out with him, we started having sex. It was protected for a couple more months, until one night, I made the bad decision of allowing him to enter me unprotected. Literally the next day, I felt feverish like I was coming down with something. I went to the clinic some days later, and I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I shared the news with my boyfriend over the phone, and he was silent. I asked him why he was so quiet, and he said, “well – this isn’t the 1st time I’ve heard this”. WHAT?!!! He said he was seeing a married woman years ago, and she went to the doctor and accused him of the same thing. I didn’t even get an apology. Instead of leaving him right away, I felt like nobody else would want to be with me because of my issue, and I stayed with him.

    Back to the guy that I met at work. I began to go to lunch with my coworker while I was still with my boyfriend. One day I suspected my boyfriend of cheating and I didn’t believe he was being honest. I even called the woman in question, and it just didn’t feel right. My then coworker noticed I was down and I began to talk to him about the situation. Things got worse before they got better. With all the emotions I thought I was “dealing with” I lost control and I attempted suicide. The best thing that happened was that as soon as I went home from the hospital, I had no desire to be with my boyfriend anymore and I never have to this day. I missed a week from work and when I returned, I shared with my coworker what happened.

    After many conversations and lunch outings, we exchanged phone numbers. He got laid off at work but we still hung out. The first time we went to a movie, I went to his house and he gave me a foot massage and a body massage with no sexual advances. I thought I really found a true friend.

    After spending more time, I was aware that he had other female “friends”, but I didn’t realize that it was so many. The more time I spent with him, the more feelings I developed for him. One day he asked me for oral, and I gave it to him. He would only give me a hand rub. In case things would ever go any further, I was honest to him about my STD. What I have doesn’t affect my mouth, so he’s been totally fine with oral.

    Over the eight years that I’ve known him, we have been roommates 3 times. He has continued to have his “friends” all over the United States while I have fallen in love with him. When we met, he was separated from his wife. He would use his separation as his excuse to not make a commitment to anyone. He has been divorced for several years now and nothing has changed. He has been living in another city now for almost 2 years, but we have kept in touch. I recently got on a plane and visited him for Thanksgiving for a week. By the 2nd day, he asks me to give him oral. I asked him why, and he said that nobody has ever kissed him the way that I have. I told him that it’s because whenever I’ve done that for him, it’s from my heart. I also told him that I didn’t want my feelings to get hurt. It was like I hadn’t said anything because he still asked me to do it anyway. Stupid in love me, I did several times throughout the week. He said he was going to do that for me, and I reminded him of my issue. He said he had forgotten about that, but at the same time he backed off and didn’t mention it again. How can anyone forget something like that about someone? I think he was just playing around with my emotions. His attitude was up and down during the week and I know I was feeding off of him so my emotions were going crazy. He said he was dealing with some issues. I wish he would have told me before I got on the plane. We have been toying around with the idea of having intercourse for years, but it never got to that point even being roommates. I went to the store and got some protection just in case. 3 days before my trip was over he said he would make love to me if I wanted him to. When I saw that he wasn’t really feeling it, I stopped him, and we didn’t do anything. The next night we were messing around and he had me get the condoms. He entered me, and I swear it was over before it started. I didn’t get the opportunity to “feel” anything. He literally came as soon as he entered. He got up, cleaned up and got back in bed and turned his back to me and went to sleep. He said he didn’t want to talk about it. The next day we talked about the situation and he brought up the “friend for life” speech again. He said he did what he knew was wrong because he was trying to give me something that I wanted. We are both Christians so we both believe you should wait for marriage until you have sex. Honestly during this trip I figured that marriage is something that would never happen between us so I figured I would just go there now. He in some weird way thinks he’s not having sex just receiving oral. Go figure.

    When I got home from this trip, I realized that I asked someone to make love to me that has never been in love with me. It’s not possible. I called and talked to him about how I was feeling. He said that he didn’t feel that he has led me on. He said that there’s things he’s trying to achieve in life and that he’s still not in a position to make a commitment. He says that I shouldn’t have put all of my eggs in one basket and not to dwell on my feelings. He said he has experienced been in love with someone and things didn’t turn out the way he wanted and he understands how I feel. He was talking to me as if he wasn’t the person I was referring to. He’s saying this, but when I’ve told him in the past that I had been hanging out with someone else, he got very jealous and he acted as if he were depressed. He mentioned taking too long to make a decision and how he lost me. I wasn’t “with” anyone. He later admitted that he talked about being too late out of anger. My friend is 45 and I’m 31. I do believe my friend came into my life at a bad time, because I went from a bad relationship straight to wanted to be with him. This is the only person I can say I have been in love with, and it’s a very hurtful thing to carry this type of feeling for someone and it not be reciprocated. I do believe he loves me, he enjoys having me around. He doesn’t want to not have me in his life. He says he wants me to be a good friend forever, but at the same time, he wants me to give him oral whenever he asks for it. I have asked him many times if he does the same thing with his other friends and he says he doesn’t. He has many attractive friends. He says he has boundaries that he doesn’t cross. I asked him that since I’m a “friend” just like the others, what is it that makes him want to cross the lines with me? He could only tell me that I was sexy and that I was beautiful. That’s not convincing at all that nothing’s happening with the others.

    After reading many posts, I do know that I’ve been in an imaginary relationship. I will be purchasing some of your tools pretty soon. I probably need all of them. I have never really been in the dating scene. Whenever I’ve been with someone in the past, it just kind of happened. I will get out there and date, but I don’t ever want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain. It’s something I don’t wish on anyone. Thank you so much for this web site. It gives me hope that I can, and that I will do better.

  48.  #48Rori Raye on January 1, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Wendy – Welcome – and first thing – I want you to know there are MANY men out there with herpes (I know a GREAT one – and he will ONLY date women who have herpes also…) – there are even online dating sites exclusively for people with herpes. Please, please know this does not damage your chances for love, or make you any less valuable – just go get yourself where it won’t matter – or even be a dating ASSET! People who have to deal with telling the truth to others in a romantic situation can be really, really good life partners – go after what you want! Love, Rori

  49.  #49TW on January 1, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    Wendy- you should go through the archives on this site and read all of the post as well. It will take you a while but I did it and I am glad that I did because I have made some beautiful friends that are so helpful and supportive. Rori also has a place on this site to read about her programs but I would get the e book first because that is ground work for everything else….

  50.  #50Caj13 on January 1, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Hi Wendy, And the first and only rule is “NEVER ever Beat Yourself Up”. No ‘I know I was stupid” or ‘It was my fault”. FEEL as bad or as good as you can or want, but no reproaches. Only acceptance and acknowledgement and solace. We take the responsibility to LOVE ourselves with all our feelings, “mistakes”, powerlessness AND frighteningly unlimited, true power , but we don’t take on the exclusive burden of failed relationships and even less a man’s cluelessness or inability to do his job. Follow in these traces and you will soon leave any possibility of an imaginary relationship behind.

  51.  #51Wendy on January 7, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Thanks for the support. I ordered The Heart Connection Tool Kit yesterday, and I just downloaded the ebook today. This is the first time I’ve made this type of investment for myself. I look forward to the positive transformation this will bring to my life. Thanks in advance Rori

  52.  #52Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    how do you celebrate ? When everything around you seems to be falling apart how can you celebrate – do you put on a face a mask, pretend. I don’t understand how you can celebrate when things are bad.

  53.  #53Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    I changed my email to get the responses for some reason my yahoo mail is not working right.

    how do you celebrate ? When everything around you seems to be falling apart how can you celebrate – do you put on a face a mask, pretend. I don’t understand how you can celebrate when things are bad.