Celebrating Independence Day – What’s So Good About Being Independent?

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The 4th of July is about our independence from England…But more than that, it’s about the creation of our own country.

If there could be a metaphor about love here filled with the kind of love advice that talks about being independent and inter-dependent in a romantic relationship…would that look like cannons, and battle, and sparklers and conflict?

Or would that look more like the coming together of battle leaders and statesmen to negotiate an experiment in how to run a country without a king or queen. How each person (theoretically) could have a bit of power to make the big decisions and somehow be represented.

Or maybe it’s everything: Conflict, passion, attack, surrender, leaders and followers, negotiating, statesmanship, creating union, creating freedom, creating a new model for life, making decisions. Standing on your own two feet. Believing in yourself. Believing in each other. Plus romance, sex, laughing, sitting around…

So, let’s just call this independence from tyranny, and at the same time, creation of a harmonious new union where it’s as much of a win-win for everyone as possible.

In relationship, we want to be independent of judgment and control and all the pain and misunderstanding that’s accumulated in our lives.

And we want to create a union where there’s a clear responsibility on everyone’s part, and a clear sense of the need for respect, and a clear sense of the need for everyone to be heard. A clear sense of compassion. A clear sense of “team.”

Think of YOURSELF as Independent – And Your Own Independence – This Way:

Independent from judgment and control and tyranny and old pain. Free from all that.

Free to create harmony and union between all the voices and impulses and needs inside you.

The agreement to respect, hear, have compassion for every part of you.

A sense of “team” – that everything about you – your past, present, future, thoughts, imagination, nasty voices, yearnings – all of it – are on the same team.

The team called YOU.

And that when a man joins you in a life union – you will both bring your teams to the union, and expand to create a new team between you – with all the parts of each of you under the same umbrella.

Just because you are still YOU, with your team intact, under the umbrella and embracing arms of this new, bigger team…you are still capable of leaving the umbrella of the new team with your own team intact.

That’s all there really is to independence – you’ll be okay without him.

But it doesn’t mean you hold your team as “separate” from his.

It’s as though lovers and children and judges and all the parts of each of you get intermingled. Maybe they don’t all put on the same uniforms, or maybe your team has special badges, but you don’t hold back while you’re playing and working and loving together.

And together – you help each other stay unified – you help each other keep the team together no matter what. And, especially, you hear all the voices there are.

And you let none of them run you.

Independence is, at core, your personal freedom from the tyranny of being at the mercy of anyone else. From, what Blanche DuBois says in Streetcar Named Desire” – “…the kindness of strangers…” because you have no other options.

But even more – in some circumstances where you are in need of the kindness of strangers – you still are in sole possession of your heart an soul.

Love is complicated, because we’ve, each of us, learned it means different things.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1femenergylove on July 4, 2011 at 8:45 am


  2.  #2DAVID DUFF on July 4, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Hi, I enjoyed your words,, do you also have a mans perspective?,, yes I know who you are, hehe. A true cancer I am… wondering if I should keep it narrowed to a Tarus..? Do you think it is to much work (or impossible) for the not as compatable girls? Thank you David I met a girl,, most everything is great,, however she wants to stay close-Cincinnati;-maybe retire to Fla. in 6 years so children can visit,, I had planned to visit and move to Costa Rico, – one year to do art,, sort of retired, but active in a “healthy, romantic setting”. I hate giving up on this vision I have now. Comments? thank you, oh knowledgeable one… hehe

  3.  #3Lilybelle on July 4, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I am working toward being free…free from all that.

    Have a blessed day.

  4.  #4Wild Flower on July 4, 2011 at 11:09 am

    This is my first time commenting on the blog.I feel a little self conscience lol. I’ve been using many of Rori’s tools and CDing for the past year. I just had surgery this past week and was feeling run down and frustrated–so to kill time I started reading the blog. Reading all of your posts has really uplifted and energized me. Honestly I think it’s helping me heal faster! So I wanted to thank you all. I intend to start participating as well (baby steps of course since sharing online makes me feel really exposed). Happy 4th!

  5.  #5Ella on July 4, 2011 at 11:28 am




  6.  #6Ice Princess on July 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Speaking of being free, I am considering saying something like this when LP contacts me again because it hurts so much to be an afterthought to the man I love so much: “I feel as if I am always available to you and feel that I am pushed off and ignore only to be later picked up at your convienence. I will be more than happy to have a friendship with you when you are ready to be a friend in return, until then I wish you the best.” what do you all think?

  7.  #7Ella on July 4, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Ok, project ME

    I love ME

    I love ME

    I love ME…

    Just to start.

    And I love my body and nourish it with good nutrition, exercise and restful, loving sleep.


    I take care of my emotions.

    I am a Siren.

    I am a SIREN.

  8.  #8Ella on July 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Drama Queen Ella coming out for a min…

    How f7cken DARE you! Do you know who you are dealing with. You STUPID STUPID MEN!

    I feel RAGEFUL!

    And VENGEFUL and FURIOUS. Feel my wrath hit you like a wall of blazing fire!!!


    Pow, bang bang on your heads.

    How DARE you mess with the queen.

    You are lucky if I even breath in your direction.

    And you know what you are also lucky I am a Siren who can feel her feelings, so that I can still remain open to you even when you do not worship me right, and I am loving, so you won’t be destroyed in the wall of fire.


    I love silly men.

  9.  #9tinque on July 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Yes you are Ella, most definitely…


  10.  #10femenergylove on July 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Tinque,still waiting for your site 🙂

  11.  #11Wild Flower on July 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I feel flooded with memories
    I feel a sadness release from me
    The sadness lifts from my chest into my throat and pours out my eyes
    I feel worried I will never truly fit in
    These are my nasty voices
    I love my worry and insecurity
    I intend to wear my love on my sleeve
    It feels good and comforting to want to wear my love on my sleeve
    I feel hopeful that I may actually fit in a lot more than I think

  12.  #12Daria on July 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    I had the most amazing conversation last nite

    I love myself

    He will maybe come see me tonite for fireworks

    He wants to please me. He’s gonna give me a massage…

    He’s gonna help me do my credit repair!

    And he’s spiritual!

    And he’ll cook for me!


    And he is a cutie!

  13.  #13tinque on July 4, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Really femenergylove? This feels awesome to hear. Me to by the way. We ran into a bit of a problem with the blog post file transfer, lost all the paragraph breaks (can’t have that) and since it’s a holiday today, nothing will be done. Sigh…

    I’m hoping it’s an easy fix, but since I don’t know anything about this stuff, who knows.

    It ought to be up by tomorrow sometime.


  14.  #14FlowerChild77 on July 4, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I’m anxious to see your new site, too! I hope everything goes smoothly for you <3

  15.  #15FlowerChild77 on July 4, 2011 at 1:24 pm


    I am SO wow’ed (if that’s even a word!) by how much you are growing. And I love how you’re sharing your process with us.

    I’m thinking I must be more ‘stuck in my ways’ because I’m older. (Not an excuse–just the fact that I’ve been reacting and hearing my NVs for that much longer than when I was 30.)

    Your journey is very inspiring. You’re so good at recognizing what’s going on with you and are really in tune with yourself. I admire you (and your Siren-ness!) <3

  16.  #16Epiphany on July 4, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    What a great day and weekend for that matter.
    I truly feel energized and feel like I’ve genuinely had an epiphany moment (hence the name I have chosen).

    I have laid down my bag of bricks and have faced my fears and what a truly liberating and independant moment it has been.

    I have learned so much from reading and listening to your stories and all that we are struggling with in our romantic lives but the one person that I haven’t been in love with for a very long time is me.

    What a difference a day makes!

    My eyes are open and I WILL NOT be afraid of my feeling messages. I WILL be ok with being feminine and girly. I DON’T need to control anything in my relationship and just lean back and let it unfold naturally.

    I am a goddess and he is lucky to have me in his life.

    I feel at peace with myself and it feels DAMN good!

    I feel accepted here, not judged.

    Yes, what a difference a day makes in ones perspective…:)

  17.  #17Rosa on July 4, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Hi David Duff,

    My thoughts are that first you make YOU happy and that compromise is a dirty word if we are talking your life’s dream here!

    I also think that a woman in love will wait a year or ten if you pledge to come back to her.

    Other than that i say you need to make YOU happy !

    (oh and the good thing about visions is that they can change, more like a slide show really 🙂 )

  18.  #18mali on July 4, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    I like this article.

    Though I think that, while having learnt to have become so independent and self sufficient, and non reliant on men, I’m scared of truly depending on someone. I’m scared of feeling I “need” someone.

    The thought of this having developed scares me. Needing, depending on someone scares me 🙁

  19.  #19Daria on July 4, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Wow I am working with kinda new triggers now

    I feel attached to hawkman

    I also still feel weird after our interaction and failed date plan yesterday

    I also… Am feeling guilty about seeing and possibly having sex w other men

    I feel afraid he will leave me, stop calling me and wanting to see me

    And I will feel awful.

    And I know I can handle it

    But still


    I feel insecure and a bit sad

    And Terrified walls up to really have a relationship

    I am practicing dropping him

    I just missed a call from him

    I returned it he didn’t pick up

    I feel weird

    I love me .

    New guy i talked with last nite is coming to see me tonite for fireworks

    I feel happy!

    Mam who was worried about falling asleep at the wheel had a date w me at 2 today but didn’t call or show

    I love me

    I want to have 4 or 5 lovers but this is new… I feel like I’m growing put my comfort zone

    I’m not so used to ones i feel good with getting close


    This feels exciting

    Yeah so I have a fear complete w image that they will all ‘look sad’ and not want to see me if I am not sexually exclusive with them

    I love me 🙂

    I love my fear!

    I can do this!

    Go D!

  20.  #20Daria on July 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    hmm in my understanding Rori is teaching women Not to wait… 10 years or even 1…

    and that a man who is willing and able will do whatever it takes to win his woman

  21.  #21Daria on July 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    i never know what to advise men anymore! lol

  22.  #22femenergylove on July 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    leaned forward,feeling like a heel..but oh well…
    staying in bed nursing this cold,just wanted to be babied i guess,wanted some attention.
    but i’m done beating myself up about it.I just remember that my NV’s are mean and i just smile and wave……

  23.  #23FlowerChild77 on July 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    I spent most of yesterday with xbf. We’ve been working in the garden and fixing up the beds and planting/weeding/watering, planted a few trees and finished up the back half of the vegetable garden. (This is something that nourishes my soul and centers me.) The neighbors across the field put on a huge party every 4th and make their own fireworks (which we can see from the front porch.) It was fun and they always put on SUCH a great show.

    Earlier, I asked him if it was an ok time to talk…and he said, ‘Yes.”

    He started talking about the homestead (it’s what we jokingly call it.) It was the perfect segue to what I wanted to talk about. I said that I’d been hoping we could do this “together.” Our relationship has always been ‘vague’ and I said I didn’t want that anymore–that if we did this, I’d want to make it real (be married/be family.

    I didn’t tell him how I love him or try to “sell” myself, in any way..Yay me 🙂 (I felt very ‘RockStar’ about the whole day.) I told him I understand if he prefers to stay single, but that I want my “happily ever after.”

    He was very gentle and quiet the whole evening and was doing stuff like taking my face in his hands and kissing me and looking straight at me when he talked. (A large step-up for him, as his communication style is somewhat akin to ‘caveman’ speak.) [Note: I’m not reading anything into this…but it did make me feel melty and open, and I liked it :-)]

    How do I kind of set a deadline for myself? There are ‘practical’ reasons why I’ll need to know whether I’m going back there or somewhere else (I’m sure I’ll have to sign a year lease, etc. which is fine—but I’m not willing to wait another whole year, ya know?) I will need to move before winter—but I don’t want him to know any of that. It makes it way too complicated and has no bearing on whether HE wants this or not. But for ME, I pretty much need to have this figured out sometime soon.

    Any ideas on how I can re-arrange this in my brain?
    I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s been so long…over a year now and I’m still hung up on him. He’s been calling me nearly every day since I left, but I only started talking to him about ‘us’ a few weeks ago.)

    Sooooo…I guess I feel like I’m available to him for a limited time. Is that what I mean? How do I communicate this without drama, without a full out ultimatum and most of all without leaning forward any more? (His very non-confrontational, almost mute, at times, personality requires me to lean a bit to get started—and then leaning back works.) A year ago we couldn’t have a 5 minute conversation without one of us yelling and leaving the room.)

    I’m sure Sirens reading this will wonder why I don’t just forget about the guy and move on already. I just can’t seem to throw him on the back of my horse. He is a good man, perhaps not for me. I understand that–but it’s SO bad. I have to either be with him or give UP the ‘man crack’ on this one. (It is really, really BAD, ladies.)

    Am I just being stupid and dense? Talk to me 🙁

  24.  #24kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    brenda, tinque, island girl, rosa, and all,

    Just cut/pasted upon seeing rori’s fab new entry up.

    i suppose i’ll wait until he’s back from his trip to see how he treats me. i dont want to shoot myself in the foot because for some reason i feel like when he lives here again, which he doesnt know when for it depends on finding work here, i’d like to see him again. even he has mentioned long dist is another reason he cant be my bf right now.

    but i re-read rosa’s post and i feel confirmed that i permanently friend zoned myself by continuing to listen to his drama about his ex who left him no explanation/high and dry during his cousin’s suicide. though this drama is also about the betrayal of his 2 friends getting involved with her, it’s still about his unresolved issues and focus on her.

    i stupidly went against what rori teaches (don’t be the friend and when a man says he’s not ready to be a boyfriend, get the heck outta there) because i wanted to achieve TINQUE-like patience, and i took his depression into consideration.

    and having adam beg and plead with me to be there for him during this, that didn’t help me stand my boundaries either.

    TINQUE, i’m not blaming you, and you’ve been very considerate and helpful to me, but i do now see that you and rori would’ve done different things. opposite things.

    also, adam once said that if i wasn’t there for him because he decided he cant be a boyfriend right now, that would mean my love for him was conditional and that i had an agenda all along.

    and i can’t believe i agreed to read his closing letter to her. it still haunts me. even though it was venomous, it spoke of love, adoration, and passion he once had for her. she gets his obsession and focus while i get nothing short of crumbs. because i was stupid enough to hang in there because he was suicidal and begged for me.

  25.  #25kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    It was wrong of me to regard my intuition as nv’s.

    my intuition said i will lose his attraction and and will lose my own value if i continue to be there for him.

    and by the time Tinque told me here to go ahead and say something like ‘i’m here to listen, but i feel squirmish hearing about another woman. will you help me with this?, ‘ it was too late because he had already sent the closing letter to his ex last week and he felt better after that. then i never heard from him again.

    he’s in germany now for a week, and i’m here with parties today and a full work week ahead. yes, i am focussing on myself, though i do worry that i’ve ruined any romantic potential with him.

  26.  #26Ice Princess on July 4, 2011 at 3:56 pm


    Your post helped me realize that I need out of the friend zone with my ex though I am not sure exactly how to get out of there because my heart jumps every time he contacts me.

  27.  #27tinque on July 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    I still think you’re on a good path kaitlyn. You listened without judgement. You were there for him but in a beautifully leaned back way. When his depression lifts, I truly believe you will the first one he turns too.

    I know Rori very well, and she would not have told you to shut him out.


  28.  #28Dorothea on July 4, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Kaitlyn I left you a reply on the old thread 🙂

  29.  #29Daria on July 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    kaitlyn – omgosh i feel so icky whenver i hear about that letter

    you may have crushed hope of allowing HIM into your heart… because your little girl might be totally turned off after that letter

    as for him, he’ll be back, he’ll be calling you soon, and you can give him another chance if your little girl feels ok

  30.  #30Daria on July 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    im feeling so sad and scared remembering the conversation wiht Hawkman yesterday

    i said things that i think are from my past patterns… ‘shamy blamy’ things

    like: well i could come to you and i would be on a bus right now, but i guess not everyone is like me

    i feel guilty

    i feel afraid that he won’t want me anymore

    he won’t feel safe with me

    i feel afraid no man will really want me

    when i feel upset

    i love me me mememememe

    i feel pouty

    i love my poutyness

    and that feels like

    tight in my tummy

    i love the tight in my tummy

    and that feels like

    sobbimg and crying

    i love my sobbing and crying

    and that feels like


    i love my calming

    and taht feels like

    the hotness above my upper lip

    i love the hotness above my upper lip

    and that feels like


    how can anyone love me when i am so mean???

    i dont deserve to be loved

    i love my sobbing i love my tears

    i am SO SO SORRY for being mean to him

    and i feel SO frightened that he wont love me anymore

    i feel heartachy

    i feel So frightened that he CANT do what i want

    pick me up at my house

    and date me

    and he so wants me it seems

    i feel sad

    i miss him

    i feel sobby

    i love my sobs

    i feel confused and helpless

    i feel sad

    he said to me … youre making me feel like ima bad person

    yes that was blamy talk

    from him

    i didnt feel really triggered by his you making me feel talk

    the way i sometimes do with some men

    i love me

    i am embracing me

    i feel confused, sad, lonely, in want of a hug, in want of reassurance


    and i feel afraid to imagine him loving me, because i feel guilty… well i feel afraid, that if he gets that i want to date other men, he will get upset and LEAVE

    and i will feel abandoned

    its not safe to let him close

    because he will abandon me if i dont give him love


    and i want to be married

    not committed

    he was like… so you cant tell me what youre doing tomorrow?

    i said… im just doing something.. im busy


    love me

    i love me

    i ahvent felt this upset/triggered in a long time wtih a man

    ok i feel excited

    im growing im growing

    love to me

  31.  #31Daria on July 4, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    mmm EFT feels good

    lean back and let go of his collar

    open my hands

    let go of control

  32.  #32Daria on July 4, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    i felt so out of control and didnt want him to “fail”

    i felt afraid i would feel resentful to go out with him if he made it here at 9 when we planned 7 30

    i feel frustrated

    i dont want a man who is not good at planning

    and i feel connected and attached to this man

    and i feel good and safe being desired by him

    and now i feel afraid and lonely not hearing from him

    though he did send me some texts and one missed call

    i love me

    i will be really ok

    and he can do this

  33.  #33Daria on July 4, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    more snatches of conversation yesterday

    him: “i dont know my way around there. why cant you just come to the bus stop and make it easy for me? ”

    me: “…. pause… i dont WANT to make it easy for you. why cant it just be GOOD for me… ”

    i love me

    i guess i did pretty well for the most part

  34.  #34Daria on July 4, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    i feel afraid i wont be able to handle being in an intimate relationship

    without ‘blowing up’

    or conversely picking a partner who blows up

    i felt like punishing him

    i thought “he doesnt love me enough, or is not willing to do enough for me”

    i was willing to do more for HIM!!

    i felt furious

    i felt like i was being told im not enough

    when he afterwards did not want to come anymroe

    he got off the train

    i felt like punishing him

    are you showing me that im not enough>

    that i cant have what i want? planned dates?

    did i feel unworthy?

    i felt furious, like i was a queen being treated as less than

    dont you see how amazing i am?

    dont you want to come see me no matter how dangerous it is?

    arent i enough to entice you to come?

    i hate you

    i feel like im not enough

    that felt bad

    i love me

  35.  #35Ella on July 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    I feel sad and scared bc I think I let my NVs speak in IM convo with J and that made him not love me and want me anymore.

    But then that could also be utter nonsense.

    The bit that makes me feel icky and keeps coming back to haunt me is the bit where I said I felt scared… of meeting again in case it was not the same…

    But really it was scared he would not want me 🙁

    Which ties into not good enough NVs… it was more a fleeting thought/feeling, and I danged wish I’d never expressed it.

    And I am noticing how I HATE this kind of vibe off a man… I have had 3 men off POF say to me now ‘I hope I am not a disappointment to you’ regarding our first meeting.

    Always it makes me feel like ‘ick’ sinking feeling in stomach.

    When they get all under confident about themselves and self disparaging, and over goey about me, and start over texting me about how I don’t want them cus I didn’t answer phone quickly enough…

    And it KILLS the attraction for me.

    When they start showing their ‘I am not good enough’ NVs and coming over as weak or needy it instantly turns me off.

    And then they keep calling me when I have so obviously backed off… and then I feel ugly feelings towards them like pity and judgment and superiority and shame and just general ICK and anger, like ‘get some F-ing self respect you loser!’

    ANd if I am judging them about this in this harsh way I am def judging myself.

    I know I dislike that part of me (the needy, clingy, grasping @ imaginary relationships part) which they are mirroring back to me so well!

    Ick ick ick.


    Oh yes you do honni.

    I feel bad, ashamed and guilty that I do this and can’t seem to control it and find it such a MASSIVE turn off in others.

    Ok, I don’t do the behaviours, but I expect I do the vibe.

    And I feel sad about pushing away J, and prob many other yummy men before, with my silly clingy vibe.


    When I let him feel that vibe off me.

    And I know I try and stuff it down and that sure as hell doesn’t work. And here are these men showing up and mirroring this back to me, and my reaction is to flat out reject it in them… like they are lepers.

    Urgh I am feeling like an ugly and judgemental one today.

    Well, that is a dark, icky bit of me.

    How do I heal this?

    Shine the light right in there into this dark, percieved icky bit of me.

    Maybe have some compassion for the men who are showing me this (can’t promise to actually date many of them though) and send a shed load of love and acceptance to this part of me.

    Ah, I see she is out of control. I see she is a scared, lost little girl part of me and she is grasping a whatever comes along cus she wants to survive.

    The part that felt so hurt and alone when people left in the past.

    She is scared she will shrivel up and die down there where it is so dark and there is no love, and no light to reach her.

    She wants to be loved and comforted and reassured.

    Ah, I am feeling tender towards her now.

    I want to hug her and tell her its going to be ok.

    I will take care of her. I will love her.

    And she will not run me. I see her and I have compassion for her. I deeply accept and love her as part of me, and I allow her to come out/up and breath and be seen.

    She is ok.

    Its ok to be/feel like this and to have this part of me.

    I still deeply love and accept myself.

    And because she now can feels seen and reassured she no longer needs to fight… she no longer will run us (I really hope) I will see her again and again as many times as it takes to make her feel accepted and loved. And I will keep telling her that I am leading he show now.

    I am in control, in the driving seat. And she is not to feel scared because I am an adult, and a Siren and I know I can take care of us. She doesn’t need to worry anymore.

    She can relax, I will love her, and I will run us, trying new things and making new choices that are healthier and better for us, and free from this old holding pattern of fear.

    I see you, I hold you, I accept you as part of me, you are fine, you are lovely.

    I love you.

  36.  #36Ella on July 4, 2011 at 5:43 pm


    You are not stupid… it is very hard to walk away when someone you love is depressed and talking about suicide.

    Major triggers!

    I think both Rori and Tinque advocate not listening about the other woman though… great that you are learning this boundary… it is one I recently learned myself.

    Remember to give yourself love and be gentle on yourself.


  37.  #37Ella on July 4, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Guess who has stared work on her new website and blog in Weebly?

    He he ME!


    Thanks SLV, Tinque and others for pointing me in this direction.

  38.  #38Ella on July 4, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    SOOOO hard to love that grabby, clingy, needy part of me.

    Must keep remembering she is a scared little girl. Wouldn’t I cuddle a scared little girl who was lost and alone, crying and needed to be picked up?

    Of course I would.

    This is the same.

    She is scared and afraid she will never be loved.

    She is one of my strangers.

    Feels like tightening in my vagina!

    Wow I never really knew my tendance to grab at men was about this part of me… in fact I may have denied this part of me.

    Not sure, but anyway I want to make it safer for her.

    To feel loved and accepted.

    So what if I sometimes want to ‘grab’ on to love or what looks like love.

    That is what happens when you are stuffed down in a dark, loveless place.

    She is quite sweet really.

    When she shows up I am going to just gently chuckle to myself that she is here again. Give her a hug and a chuck under the chin, and then ride on.

    Or say ‘oh there you are, well thats ok, who doesn’t want love. Come up here on this horse and I’ll take you along with me. You are quite sweet really.’

    And there is no need fir her to make any decisions.

    She is just one part of me… with certain feelings attached and there is nothing wrong with them either.

    I love my scared, needy, clingy at imaginary scraps of love lil girl. She’s a cutie.

  39.  #39Ella on July 4, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Hey Daria,

    Sending you some hugs today.

    You are doing great!


  40.  #40Wildflower on July 4, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    I had a man recently who I was feeling “chemistry” with. I started making it too easy for him. After about one month (with Rori’s help) I started expressing more of what I was really feeling and things I didn’t want to do (like drive to men). On one particular evening this driving issue came up and I expressed I don’t want to drive to men. It feels icky but that I feel really happy when I get to see him. The interesting thing was he totally took it from there and offered to pick me up and was a total gentleman the entire night (after I was starting to wonder if maybe he was just clueless and didn’t know to do these things). Then I never heard from him again. I really liked this guy so I feel really bummed but I thought it was so interesting that he figured out right away without me telling him “I want you to do this or that.”

    Just feeling disappointed he didn’t “figure out” that he was crazy about me and wanted to do it all the time. Oh well. I intend to focus on the present and redirect my energy towards some of the things I have coming up like:

    1) a bunch of eharmony dates–yeah I’ve never been able to do this before
    2) taking an acting class
    3) taking a pole dancing class–anyone ever done this???
    4) going to some singles events with my friend and practicing just maintaining eye contact and flirting

    Now if I could just heal from this surgery a touch faster and getting going on all this lol.

  41.  #41Ella on July 4, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Night Sirens.


  42.  #42Daria on July 4, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    and now freaking the new guy was supposed to be coming at this time, but contacting me earlier..a nd havengt heard from him

    so i put on my michael jackson rockstar arm warmers i found and am rockin pink and black and gonna go over to my og friends house

  43.  #43Daria on July 4, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Ella – thanks for your process! i just recited the love myself poem – inspired by your process and i feel better too!

  44.  #44Wildflower on July 4, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    When I get a chance I’m going to ask my bro about the driving thing. He is married to a beautiful, brilliant, fun and loving woman–who does not drive. She just never learned. My brother will drive for hours to pick her up and then turn around and drive right home. Just feeling curious what he would say.

  45.  #45kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 6:40 pm


    But what about when Rori says:

    -Don’t be the friend. Remember, he canceled his trip to la because he was so obsessed with what his ex was doing with his 2 supposed friends who were vital to his addiction recovery.

    -When a man says he can’t be your bf, get out of there.

    Also, there WERE a few times I leaned forward. Like, asking if he missed me. And stuffing my feelings- posting a song on fb obvsly related to him and then when he frantically called, ringing off the hook, to ask if I was angry at him, I said no and fabricated some story about my female friend I was angry about.

  46.  #46kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    heading out to an outdoor dinner. my friend’s house warming party. i’m in faded, tight jeans, white keds, and a white and navy striped long tight t-shirt. that’s my malibu beach take on 4th of july fashion today.

  47.  #47Ice Princess on July 4, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    LP usually tries to do last minute things with me but tonight he called and asked if we could do something together for tomorrow night. Not sure if I should have said yes or not, but I did only because he scheduled something with me in advance! Hope I did the right thing???

  48.  #48kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 6:47 pm


    yeah he’ll be back. to hurt me.

  49.  #49kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    47 sounds right to me! just feel present and open tmrw without expectations.

  50.  #50kaitlyn on July 4, 2011 at 6:52 pm


    Thanks. This was my first time even having another woman in the picture, even if it was just his memory and anger of her. I’ve never had a guy have other women around before.

  51.  #51Ice Princess on July 4, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Thanks. 🙂

  52.  #52Daria on July 4, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    OMG I found a spot by my house that not only has an outside working plug (to charge my phone) but also has free wifi that Works from Launderland.


    I am here writing to y’all

    There are 300 people at the park and I’m doing EFT and sinking in my body to heal triggers of judging people and thinking they are judging me

    I feel excited.

    Some CDs might come thru

    I feel like I’m restoring my balance over what happened with Hawkman cd.

    I felt Very angry. And I’m fine and I can say I feel angry and feel fulfilled.

    And I love me.

  53.  #53Daria on July 4, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Noticing how diff my thoughts are when body and heart is open and how some things trigger habits of closing them

    Like when I look at someone who’s not looking at me

    But I can consciously open them and undo the habits

    And feel happy all day and life long

  54.  #54Daria on July 4, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Kaitlyn – sounds like time for plan CD and act like a stuck up diva and see how men give me more and more of what I want

    Oh wait that’s my plan

  55.  #55Daria on July 4, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Oh wow now he just showed ip in text!

    Him: how is ur day goin

    Me: I miss u felt bad to fight

    Him: me to

    How do I feel now?


  56.  #56Daria on July 4, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    I said : I feel scared

    Now he says: me to

    Now I feel more scared

    I said that.

    Now I’m feeling angry.


    How dare you tell me about Your feelings

    Or is that good? I feel scared I’m being punished .

    I feel scared I’m receiving passive aggression

    I feel ick

    I feel scared mistrustful closing down

    Forcing my heart open

    I feel terrified

    Of being abused

    Want to feel safe


    He is angry

    I can say are u mad at me?


  57.  #57Emerson on July 4, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    LOL I was posting on the other one!

  58.  #58Emerson on July 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    18: mali says:
    “I like this article.

    Though I think that, while having learnt to have become so independent and self sufficient, and non reliant on men, I’m scared of truly depending on someone. I’m scared of feeling I “need” someone.

    The thought of this having developed scares me. Needing, depending on someone scares me”

    Mali, I feel very similar. I think I was raised in a generation to “never need a man” but it’s all a lie. I would be ashamed to take help from my boyfriends sometimes, in the past, like helping me with my car, or what not. I let them pay for meals, etc. but I was so confused because I felt guilty for them helping me with other stuff and I thought we’re supposed to be 50 50.
    AAACK…now I’ve been SOOOOO successful at being independent, IM ALL BY MYSELF. This is NOT what I wanted. Eeeek…it all feels like a big giant mistake, the way I’ve related to men.
    Isn’t there a happy medium where we can be independent but then men still step up and do stuff for us and treat us like a woman????

  59.  #59Emerson on July 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    I feel scared and frustrated
    I love my feelings of scared of frustration

    I feel worried that I’ve been too independent to a flaw….like I have something to prove….I’ve felt that way many times in my life, and part of that time I was trying to prove soemthing to my DAD…

    I hate it sitting here on the 4th of July by myself when I wish I had a family and be engaged in some silly traditions with the rest of America

    Today I thought about that A LOT. 4th of July has often been a hard one for me, because I have great memories of it as akid, and I never could replicate.

  60.  #60Emerson on July 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    56 Daria it sounds like you are being so candid and real about your feelings, hopefully it shines throught to him and he will be mesmerized by your feminine feelings and not mad 🙂

  61.  #61la chiquita bonita on July 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Feeling the intense need to call a man that im into and let him have it for not communicating with me. Please anyone I need something to snap me out of it and remind me not too!
    also when he does call i want to tell him I feel angry bc he never replied to my text a couple weeks ago and hasnt communiated. I feel the urge to tell him this because I know when he says hi he wont bring it up and just hope I forget. I need reassurance that its ok to tell him this and that I shouldnt worry of coming off dramatic etc.

  62.  #62Nikita on July 4, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Kisskissskisssskisssssksisssssslots of kissssss

  63.  #63Xti on July 4, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    I love this article. I’ve been working on a concept these past couple weeks and this post feels like it fits for me.

    I’ve always been labeled as “independent”, though it held no meaning for me. Inside, I felt dependent, co-dependent, child-like, and immature.

    I could never understand what anyone was talking about… what did they see that made me so “independent”?

    Another label I could never embrace or understand: “you have low self-esteem.” This was an oft-repeated statement to explain my accepting men who did not treat me as I deserved.

    But now, I see this more clearly. My self-esteem is actually quite high. I accomplish my goals. There is no obstacle I cannot overcome in the pursuit of my desire. And up til now, this has included THE PURSUIT OF MEN, to my own detriment.

    My high self-esteem (my boy) was what told me “I can handle anything he dishes out.” But what about self-love (my girl)? Where was she?

    I could not understand the labels because I didn’t realize there was more than one energy at work. It was not my self-esteem that was reflected in those negative internal feelings… it was my self-love.

    Now I see how my inner boy has (at times) shoved my inner girl into a box and told her to shut up and deal with the problems so he could accomplish whatever his goal was. And when she had the chance to find love, any love that felt like it could be real, she reached out and held on tight. Too tight, for far too long, too many times.

    But reading this post today, I’m different. My independence is more than my self-esteem. It is also my self-love: a combination of self-respect, self-worth, self-value, and self-care. My self-love has been the low point that has allowed me to accept less than I know I deserve. Today, I use my self-esteem to bring healing so that my self-love can rise, because my team is only as strong as my weakest player.

    I used to wonder why I always had to fight fair, even when married to an abuser. Why did I have to take the high road, always? Why did I feel compelled to give 100% all the time? My best, no matter what. No longer do I wonder. Now I recognize this as my self-respect. It’s a good thing, not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.

    I’m loving my strong, internal drive to be my best self. I’m also loving my fears and my needs and my desires, whatever they may be. When I get them working together, pulling in the same direction, it’s incredibly powerful, not to mention really sexy.


  64.  #64Brenda on July 4, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    I was adhered to the bed when I first laid down. Then some time after 1 am, I just couldn’t sleep well. I just have so much on my mind, along with aches and pains from exercising at my weight. 🙁 I focused on getting stuff done for Miho on Monday, and now i feel backlogged all over again on my own stuff. 

    I have to go to court at 1 pm Tue, and that’s the major thing on my mind. It is so petty I want to scream!! At least it’s nothing serious, but… it was a simple matter of my car registration. I was late in doing it, in the midst of my depression, and I got a ticket. I pleaded not guilty, in order to buy myself some time to pay it, and I found out they changed their policy in how to handle that. They said I had to pay the ticket up front before they would even schedule court. I didn’t have the money, I was in the midst of moving, and still depression, and I did nothing. Now a $36 registration, which I long since handled, has grown from a $111 ticket to a $156 ticket. It really is petty.

    And to top it all off, they put out a warrant for my arrest. I called the court, explaining my financial situation, and saying I don’t know what to do. I am going to court to talk to the judge. This is just the sort of thing that bogs me down and keeps me hating life and feeling scared to death to deal with finances. 

    I am one of the best citizens out there, yet I can’t seem to get thru one year without legal issues of some sort. 

    Oh well, on the bright side, my car will be paid off this month!!!!! I’ve been waiting for this for 2.5 years, sweating out every payment! I know they overcharged me for the car, but I don’t think I could have gotten the financing any other way. And it kept me from being drowned financially by a junker that would have been breaking down constantly. I find transportation to be one of my highest expenses, as a whole. Yet I value it even higher than a home, because a car will get me to a job, and it just keeps me sane being able to get out. Right now I am trying to decide if I should push myself to give the girlies a good run, while it’s cool and while no one is out and they won’t bother anyone. I am just too tired…yet I can’t sleep.

    Love, Brenda

  65.  #65Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 12:10 am




    Welcome! Was it serious surgery? How is your recovery going?

    Love, Brenda

  66.  #66Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 12:17 am


    RE: #22 – Here is some chicken soup, Vitamin C, and some tissues for you, along with some Mucinex. Would you like me to put in a movie for you? 🙂

    Love, Brenda

  67.  #67Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 12:30 am

    Kaitlyn ,

    A third way.

    It seems you are caught in the “I should have waited /listened better etc ” to Adam or advice of others versus ” I shouldnt have waited /listened etc” to Adam or advice of others.

    And if I HAD waited more or less time or listened shorter or longer , maybe THEN he would have loved me. Maybe THEN he would have noticed me and realised my loyal heart was waiting.

    Its like there are polarities and everything you tried to do feels wrong 🙂 These are my mind reads and I may be way off.

    I wonder if there is a third way. Lets call it” positive support”

    When people keep on and on with a negative thought spiral , its like an old record, cracked and repeating over and over and when we listen and encourage it to repeat we just make the crack deeper.

    This is the problem with a lot of therapy in my opinion , I believe patient listening to someones negative thought tracks actually doesnt help them at all. It sets the tracks into hard wiring . TRhis NEGATIVE SUPPORT and alot of people think thats what friends should do ..listen to their outpourings of negativity and empathise deeply !

    So a third way to deal with Adam may be to IGNORE the negative thoughts and emotions he expresses about HER and his work and reset the tracks onto more positive lines associated with YOU. The main thing is to avoid him associating you with his negative feelings. Lets call this POSITIVE SUPPORT.

    eg , he says , “i cant believe what she did , blah blah blah ” , You say ” Yes . So what s on tomorrows agenda? ” or some such completely off the wall comment , ie do not ENGAGE in his remarks. Repeat this until he “extinguishes” and gives up .

    (My dog does this by stealing my shoe then running back and forth closer and closer in front of me trying to get my attention. Eventually he hits me on the leg with it trying to get me to engage. If I ignore it he DROPS IT . Its basic animal behaviour.)

    He is likely to try and get your empathy with further emotional “gambits” which worked in the past and your job is to love him by not going there. His manipulative remark about “conditional love” is just that , manipulative, trying to get his needs met while ignoring yours. Sorry. Love is NOT EMPATHISING or LISTENING to stuff that makes the lovee feel worse.

    It requires a “no response “response , or an ” I would feel better being here for you in ways that make us both feel good. It feels bad talking about this stuff so much . Lets talk about something else. ”

    I believe he has his “stuff” to deal with and , when he comes back ,if you can make it clear that you are a fresh exciting option that just doesnt get involved in drama and feel GOOD to be around then there is a chance.

    This requires NO CONTACT , definitely no friendly emails. He will wonder and think about you soon. if he writes , keep your response brief and very neutral all about YOU .You are doing well so far. Keep going 🙂

  68.  #68Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 12:41 am

    Hi Wild flower.
    I enjoyed your reflective posts .
    I enjoyed how you are not blaming anyone, him or yourself ..you just accept that you needed to change what wasnt feeling good for YOU.

    This sort of self focus reflects as high self esteem and it will RAPIDLY filter off men who want a quickie FWB, non commitment , or someone to adore them blindly , or someone to control , or someone who wants to manipulate or abuse in any way..

    I have been the “pleaser and appeaser” in the past and nowadays i cringe to think how unappealing and even sickening that weak kneed , do-anything-to-keep -him approach actually is.

    Think of it as a sure sign that he was “self filtering” once your self esteem and true value were staring him in the face!

  69.  #69Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 12:42 am

    Hi Brenda@!!

    Been thinking of you and hoping things are going a little better . Love the CD story. He sounds sweet. Maybe he will shape up with practice .

  70.  #70Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 12:45 am

    Ella i love this one …”And I am noticing how I HATE this kind of vibe off a man… I have had 3 men off POF say to me now ‘I hope I am not a disappointment to you’ regarding our first meeting.

    Always it makes me feel like ‘ick’ sinking feeling in stomach.

    When they get all under confident about themselves and self disparaging, and over goey about me, and start over texting me about how I don’t want them cus I didn’t answer phone quickly enough…

    And it KILLS the attraction for me. ”

    This ios EXACTLY why over functioning , negative support , over interest and leaning forward are so self defeating

    They kill attraction for the guy.

  71.  #71femenrgylove on July 5, 2011 at 3:17 am

    # 66 Brenda me love,
    that would be absolutely fantastic!i’d also like my cuddly blanket if you would.
    i feel relief that he did not respond to my leaning forward.i feel like i can ignore it too and start all over again.
    like i’ve wiped the slate clean.it happened and moving on with life.he’s not here so he does not exist 🙂
    he made it easier for me by not responding to my insecutiry and i am grateful he did not.I’m grateful he ignored me.i never ever thought i would say this.i can skate away on my skates and be busy with me,and he can do him too.feel relief!because i think he does not want this insecurity either so he will not respond coz it does not matter to him when i am like this,coz it is more important when i am genuinely open and he responds to that beautifully!!wow,he is learning and i am too 🙂
    and Brenda made it all better too by treating me like the baby i wanted to be treated as.
    Thanks Brenda!!xoxo

  72.  #72Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 3:37 am

    All you people are obviously out celebrating while I am blog spamming over several hours.

    I am feeling triggered.

    Triggered STILL by last weekends flake -date. (The great starting date , the promise to call and arrange dinner for Sunday night , the 7 day silence , the last minute text of “do you wanna catch up ?”Huh? I thought we HAD a date, then it seemed we didnt , then a last minute casual gambit. )

    I feel triggered. I feel awkward when he doesnt call (has he gone “off” me? ) , I feel more and more unsettled as the day approaches and no call ,I feel unsure whether to drive to town early and be available “in case “or not , i feel frustrated and a bit defensive and angry by the afternoon before the date -that -wasnt , then he texts a lame line and I feel ..deflated, MORE angry, (should I have accepted any way?) , at him (Bastard!) and at me (for second guessing my boundary) ..lots of triggered emotions.

    THEN he ‘blamed” me by saying.’I think you are too busy. I need someone with more time”..WHHHHHHHHAAAATT?

    I know this is his stuff , but I feel triggered ..It all feels unpleasant and blamey and i am feeling like ick is dripping off my fingers eeeeeuuuuwwww…

    My underlying beliefs around this are-
    “He SHOULD do what he says.”
    “He SHOULDNT assume I will be free with no plan or arrangement.”
    ” He SHOULD invite me clearly and arrange a time to pick me up ”
    ‘ Men SHOULD be polite”
    “Men “SHOULD be respectful”
    “Men SHOULD NOT blame me for their issues.”
    ” Men should LOVE me and WANT me and CARE for me.”

    My Stop Sign …5 seconds up right..

    I feel great when men invite me out in advance and arrange everything and i have another wonderful date already arranged for next weekend by Doc man .

    Men step up when they are ready.
    The ones that arent ready or cant dance filter themselves out.

    I am totally comfortable knowing I am worthy of attention and interest and attentiveness from good men who can recognise my high value and who WANT a high value woman.

    Neglect and rejection were things I tolerated in my relationships before I knew my own self worth.

    I now only engage with men who know how to treasure a women and who can accept love in return.

  73.  #73Epiphany on July 5, 2011 at 4:02 am

    I feel the same way this morning Rosa.

    I am feeling triggered by his overwhelming lack of respect for me.

    Long story short, he has lied to me and his kids for over 3 years and silly me, let myself get down graded from girlfriend on a high pedastal to a FWB. Because I needed to see his side, understand his needs..
    What a crock!!

    He knows when I work. Simple rotating schedule, not much to work out. He calls me on Thursday, tells me he has finally told his kids all that he has lied to me about and that he wants to go camping. So I was, “are you asking me to go camping or just your kids”?

    He says “just the kids”..WTF!!!
    It’s 4th of July weekend, I haven’t had one off in over 9 years!!!!

    So I said, “Go, have a great time see ya when you get back”..

    And here’s the kicker…Not one word from him! Nada, nothing, nope….

    This absolutely sucks!! What the hell have I been doing for the past seven years with this man who doesn’t value me, respect me and me thinking that if I only love him more he’ll see me and return that love..

    I feel used and hurt………

  74.  #74Daria on July 5, 2011 at 4:47 am

    Epiphany – whoa! the first thing i noticed was that you said “go have a great time!”

    and then felt really mad!

    No wonder!

    your words dont match your feelings…

    lets get you taking babysteps to telling the truth – the scary to share feelings – without blame…

    “wow… well… i feel disappointed… actually i feel angry.. im feeling taken for granted… what do you think?”

    and see if the awful feelings and disconnect dont start clearing up

  75.  #75Daria on July 5, 2011 at 4:53 am

    I am feeling so EXCITED! im getting just what i wanted and asked for and am feeling the uncomfortableness of expanding what i am willing to receive

    like Rori says what i want is rushing to me and whoa! i feel uncomfortable with all this love and wonderful

    i have Hawkman

    and now, this new man… SensualMan…

    he went down on me

    he’s SOOOO Smart

    i asked him advice about what to tell the men on the blog and his answers were AMAZING

    as in *I* genius Daria, wouldnt have thought of them AMAZING

    i think this man is even smarter than me!

    and he likes me!


    he came to see the fireworks with me

    and he was assertive physically and hugged me


    he took me out to EAT!

    is spiritual


    it felt good!

    even though i was in my head sometimes, thinking about hawkman and noticing old style thoughts of guilt and stuff

    and this guy is SO handsome and charming!

    another one i could show off!

    i love me!

    i love my manifesting!


  76.  #76Epiphany on July 5, 2011 at 4:56 am

    You’re right Daria..

    I did say to go and I meant every word of it for him to have a great time.

    And you’re right I do need to babystep with the feelings..

    I guess I am in the heat of the moment and just am feeling hurt.

    I do not understand why he was rewarded for finally telling the truth to his kids after 3 years and I feel abandoned by not being invited.

    My issues, my feelings, my thoughts.

    And yes, I need to be ok with the fact I told him to go and have a great time..

    Thanks Daria……:)

  77.  #77Daria on July 5, 2011 at 4:58 am

    he said: you can ask me for help with anything…and ill help you

    and then, the couple of times i felt scared as we were moving fast sexually

    i said : I feel scared

    and he did not freak out. he said: thats ok

    and moved SLIGHTLY back while keeping his arm on me raessuringly

    when i said i dont want to have sex he said ok and put the condom away right away

    i just felt so honroed and amazed

    and i still decided to wait on sex, because i didnt know when i would see him next

    and didint want to put myself in a position of feeling bad or insecure after

    even though i already feel loved and ready, i dont want to wind up freaking like with hawkman

    so we didnt do it

    and at the end, i was feeling a bit insecure cuz he hadnts aid when he would see me

    and then he asked to see me tomorrow

    yay 🙂

    i wonder if hawkman will want to see me tomorrow, we talked aobut it

    ill see who makes a plan first. maybe it might even be a different cd!


    thsi feels amazing

    and i felt so scared thinking i might actually get what i want, a wonderful marriage and family

    i love me

  78.  #78Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:02 am

    Epiphany – i want to just tweak on that a little bit

    i dont want you to beat yourself up for what you did

    yes you told him have a great time, when you were really feeling angry and insignificant

    an now you notice! that you played a part in Creating, these unhappy feelings you are having now

    this is a Pattern from the subconscious that runs you to say stuff that is “nice” and then you feel bad

    i wanted you to notice that so you can …


    now that you notice the pattern, you can change it

    and your experience will change as a result


    its all practice

    Please don’t beat yourself up – taht will slow you down terribly – just feel the awful sadness grief, confusion, and say “i love my sadness grief confusion”

    AND “i feel glad to notice this pattern , and i intend to change it. i love me”

    and just see what happens

  79.  #79Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:09 am

    xti – thank you

    I was reading and had started beating myself up for doing similar things as you mentioned…

    and then i read this and felt libearated

    ” used to wonder why I always had to fight fair, even when married to an abuser. Why did I have to take the high road, always? Why did I feel compelled to give 100% all the time? My best, no matter what. No longer do I wonder. NOW I RECOGNIZE THIS AS MY SELF RESPECT.”

    thank you!

    also, you seem very intelligent, and analyzing won’t help you so much here… dont worry about categorizing esteem vs love (for me i would say what you describe was self confidence… esteem would be: i think i deserve great treatment – and… it really doesnt matter how we categorize it )

    just keep loving on you,

    doing the riffing exercises

    the body opening and sensual meditation

    and of course CDing the world

  80.  #80Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:15 am

    la chiquita bonita – wow he hasnt replied to your text from a COUPLE OF WEEKS!!


    when he does call, you can a) not pick up! now THAT woudl be great practice detoxing from him

    b) pick up, and say wow ive missed you

    c) pick up and say hey, you know i feel awkard to bring this up , but ive been feeling disconnected… i feel uncomfortable hearing from a man only now and then… what do you think we should do?

  81.  #81Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:18 am

    im not gonna call him sensual man… im gonna call him Pleaser

  82.  #82Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:21 am

    pleaser was scheduled to come at 6 or 7 but called at that time to say he can come at 9 or 10

    it was a first meeting and i felt fine with it

    but in the similar time situation i felt PIST at Hawkman

    i felt resentful that he didtn make it at 7 30 and instead would make it at 9


    super pressure form me on hawkman

    and yet

    i really like it when men set time and make it

    at that time

    this is a boundary in formation

    is it really crucial to me? or not?

    we will find out

  83.  #83Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:29 am

    “Now, imagine that YOU’RE the prize and the safe harbor for him. Imagine that he would do ANYTHING to get into your heart and your life. ”

    ack! i feel undeserving…. of beign the prize… i feel scared i ruined my being a safe harbor by attacking him

    i love me

    thanks to the CD with pleaser,

    i am more able to love me, focus on me, and beieve i AM the safe harbor, even though i made a mistake

    i love me

  84.  #84Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:31 am

    Pleaser encourages and motivates me to reach my dreams

    he talks to me about it, he suggests doable things, he makes me think i can do it

    he really BELIEVEs i can do it

    he makes it seem easy

  85.  #85Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:32 am

    i felt so scared even imagining having my dreams

    and i love me

    and i am expandign and lovign me

  86.  #86Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:33 am

    i kept the sex stuff all about me, and i noticed that leaning back opening shoulders, tummy , vagina, then thinking of what i want to happen… Made it happen


    and i played with his dick in a way that felt fulfilling To ME
    i just made it as if it was there for My pleasure to hold

    it felt fun!


  87.  #87Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:36 am

    he gave awesome massage

    he foudn my knots

    i felt like i was the moon and he was the sun

  88.  #88Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 6:51 am


    Wow! Amazing stuff you experienced! I feel so happy for you! Pleaser sounds like a real quality man!!

  89.  #89Adeleigh on July 5, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Hi ladies,
    How do you speak your truth without feeling bad about it afterwards? Especially if it is not received well?

    Also how do you speak your truth when the other person turns it around so that you have to defend what you mean?

  90.  #90Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 7:12 am


    RE: #71 – Smiles! You’re welcome! Your attitude toward him is so mature! He blew a terrific opportunity to show love to a beautiful woman! His loss!

    Here’s a cuddly blanket and some hot tea with honey!

    Love, Brenda

  91.  #91mary on July 5, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Go see this movie… it’s just now out in places like NYC, Seattle, Washington DC, etc. and they’ll add cities as popularity grows.

    From the island where I live!

    You’ll never forget it. Oh, my. (I followed the story as it was happening, went to see it myself and then took about 20 people to see the journalist’s first movie of it…) So moving!


  92.  #92mary on July 5, 2011 at 7:13 am

    The movie is called “THE WHALE.”

    OH MY!

    You won’t even believe the story…

  93.  #93Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 7:14 am


    RE: #69 – Thank you! I’m not sure if New Jersey will shape up. He’s a terrific conversationalist, and I enjoy talking with him. I highly doubt he’s marriage material. But I think he needs dating practice, too. So it’s all good.

  94.  #94Brenda on July 5, 2011 at 7:41 am

    I don’t know why I dread this court when it’s as simple of a matter as can be. I just hate dealing with stuff like this. Ugh.

  95.  #95Rusty on July 5, 2011 at 8:06 am

    My underlying beliefs around this are-
    “She SHOULD do what she says.”
    “She SHOULDN’T assume I will be free with no plans or arrangements.”
    ”She SHOULDN’T expect me to be a mind reading robot.”
    “She should realize that I have a life of my own. I will not perform on cue as if I am supporting cast in her own personal soap opera.
    “Women SHOULD be polite”
    “Women “SHOULD be respectful”
    “Women SHOULD NOT blame me for their issues.”
    ”Women should LOVE me and WANT me and Accept me for who I am, not who they want me to be.”
    “Women should be thankful for what a man gives, unless they are gold diggers, in which case, by all means pull out the monocle and examine that diamond to determine it’s value.
    “Women should be less judgmental. Learn to just relax and enjoy a man’s company. Stop fretting over every last facet of every last detail. In other words, if a man says something nice to you, stop trying to figure out if there is some hidden meaning in what he said. Men aren’t that deep that they have hidden meaning in what they say. Typically what they mean is exactly what they say and no matter how it sounds, if he likes you, it is usually complimentary. If he says that you look beautiful, don’t tell him that he is just saying that. It’s disrespectful and you are in effect, calling him a liar. Keep doing it and he’ll stop saying it. He’s looking for your face and eyes to light up when he says it. He’s not looking for you to show some real, or fake, lack of self esteem.



  96.  #96la chiquita bonita on July 5, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Daria wow work it girl! i like that you call him pleaser bc it throws that energy to the universe and it looks like its working:) ..i wont call him! haha thanks for the push i mean seriously I have to really tap into if Im an amazing Goddess that can transform any man and take him to a place hes never been…him calling is just the first step to get there its the bear minimum. and I like “I feel ackward and disconnected” because it feels authentic but not as “bitchy”so to speak.

  97.  #97turquoise3 on July 5, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Last night our offer was accepted on the house, so hopefully we will be moving in early August. I’m so excited and I feel FREE! 🙂

  98.  #98FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Congratulations, Turquoise!! I’m so happy for you! <3

  99.  #99tinque on July 5, 2011 at 10:47 am

    kaitlyn – Regarding #45, the thing is your situation is unique. You have been together before, and things got weird and not just because you took that job in Paris.

    The way you speak about Adam tells me a lot. So I’ve been working with you to become not only stronger within yourself as have others here, and also to be a safe feeling haven for him if and when he chooses to find you.

    This is not taking his crumbs because he’s not able to right to give you anything, not even crumbs. BUT if you want him even though he’s in this depression and may fall into one in the future, you would want to be his refuge. He’s not looking for it anywhere else.

    He may or may not come for you when he’s feeling well again, but the only chance you have that he will is to be there for him. I’m not talking in a doormatty kind of way. He went too far with the letter, and I feel bad I wasn’t around when that went down.

    There are ways to keep your boundaries through this.

    And in the meantime, you do your best to not wait around for hi, moping and pining. You do your best to fill your life up with good feeling things.

    I also don’t mean working out for hours in order to forget. I mean working out in moderation, taking dance classes which feel good, eating the foods which are good for your body, and a drink or two is just fine, good for you even by the way.

    And when your mind gets to overwhelming you, you can come here and let it out as you have been.

    I don’t know if he will pull out of this and gain enough clarity to be in a relationship with you or anyone for that matter. But I do know that someone in this much pain needs your love and support, and you need to exercise patience in all of this IF you still want him, for these kinds of things take time.

    The more work you do on yourself the better chance you have to have for yourself the amazing relationship you so desire, and this could be him or someone else even better.


  100.  #100Femininewoman on July 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Hi again and happy 4th of July for those of you who live in the U.S.! Gay and Katie here, writing to share another conscious partnering practice. This one has to do with blame and criticism and how to end this damaging habit in your relationships.

    We think this is one of the most important practices you’ll ever learn as blame and criticism is the #1 reason why relationships fail. Most couples split up, family members stop talking or business partnerships fail because one or both of the parties gets tired of being blamed or criticized.

    So, we are delighted to share with you the best and quickest way we know how to stop it.

    When you’re blaming someone, what you’re really doing is pointing the finger at them and saying “Hah! It’s your fault. You’re wrong.” Then, that person typically comes back and says, “No, it’s your fault…” and this can go on in an endless loop.

    To radically shift out of a blaming consciousness in 1 minute or less, try this:

    When you catch yourself starting to blame or you’re having critical thoughts about your partner or colleague, make a pleasant “Hmmm….” sound. And what this does is it shifts you out of your “critical” brain into your “wonder” brain.

    So, you can say to yourself, “Hmmm… I wonder what I could learn from this.” Or “Hmmm… I wonder how I’m contributing to this situation.”

    When you do this from a place of sincere wonder, then an immediate change takes place in your connection with the person you were previously blaming or criticizing.
    To your conscious loving,
    Gay and Katie

  101.  #101gina on July 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    I want D to come back to me!!! why do I feel so much stronger now than I did when i actually had him?? Does that mean it isn’t real? Or does it mean that now I know what I want? A

  102.  #102mali on July 5, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Re: 58- Emerson

    I feel so happy someone understands how I feel… though I feel more scared of being so dependent on someone knowing they could hurt me. Perhaps that’s what it is. That I’m scared of being hurt. I’m used to being so self-sufficient, that I don’t depend on people.

    Maybe I’m mentally blocking myself from acknowledging that I do actually “need” people? Hmmm… It’s a tough one. On the one hand, it’s important for us to nurture that relationship with the self, which I do, but also to depend on others… or is it? *sigh* I feel a little confused…

  103.  #103Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    advice please yall..

    So the ex who was all of a sudden wishy washy, I leaned/convinced a bit.. and he said he got spooked but i told him no friends and no contact.. 3 weeks ago today.. so I had to get the water skis… texts as follows:

    me: I would like to get my waterskiis on my way to XXX.. would you be able to leave them outside your door next Friday?

    him: ok

    me: thanks

    2 days later him: on way .. got skiis

    me: nothing for 3 days then Friday am: ok.. darn.. just realized should have sent a reminder.. did you by chance leave the skis out or home to set them out?

    him: yes they are there by the door. I wish i was there to see you!

    me hour later: ok thank you….wow… I feel glad, sad and unsure all at the same time….do know youll miss seeing the new jeep

    him: crap! I want to see it!

    me: that was last Friday.. so I am toying with the following idea.. so I don’t know why he wanted to see me… friends, more than friends, in the moment blip?? so do I do nothing and wait for him to contact me again or was considering the folowing response to his request to want to see jeep:

    “maybe…that depends.. do you want to see me as friends or potentially more?.. I feel unsure I want potentially more.. that depends too.. but I know I don’t want friends.”

    and see what he says??? the depends part for me is because we would have to discuss some things moving forward that were not working before or I would not consider starting to see him again.. i.e. no more judgements… for starters..

    Thoughts ladies?

  104.  #104FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    #100/FW This is exactly what happened with my relationship. It used to be SO hard for me to not “stuff” and to finally get out what was on my mind—but I see (now that I’ve learned about what Rori teaches) that I must have made him feel awful and like he just couldn’t win. When we first started seeing each other, he was always telling me that I “made him feel like such a good man.” Well–I managed to ruin that.

    I wish SO much I would have known this stuff before I left. I made it clear that I wasn’t leaving him–but that I didn’t know what else to do (every conversation turned into a fight and I felt hopeless.)

    Neither of us have dated or been with anyone else and I feel like if I use what I’ve learned that we could work it out. But now it might be too late.

    I posted more on this in #23. I understand why no one responded. I’m too slow and not ready to CD other men. The fact that we’ve been loyal and faithful to each other for nearing 13 years means a lot to both of us. I don’t want to break that trust at such a fragile time. So….I get it that I’m not being a very good ‘student.’ 🙁

  105.  #105FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm


    I can understand where you’re at. I’m kind of in the same situation (sort of.) I feel like since I’m the one who left, that I have to do a little ‘leaning’. (He is a quiet man of very few words–so that makes it all the harder.)

    I’m not being a very good Siren, so I can’t give you any advice. I just wanted you to know I understand your situation, etc.

  106.  #106Daria on July 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Letitshine – no! Don’t do it now! Let him contact you

    It sounds like leaning forests to initiate this text now, as ‘response’ from something from days ago

    Also it feels icky when you ask him what he wants… Don’t.

    Saying how you feel and what You don’t want… And asking him what he thinks is great. For when he next contacts you.

    Beautiful feeling message btw:

    “I feel unsure I want potentially more.. that depends too.. but I know I don’t want friends.”

  107.  #107Daria on July 5, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Flowerchild – ‘Well–I managed to ruin that.’

    Please! Stop! Attacking yourself this way.

    This Will ruin your vibe. Gentle with yourself… Catch these thoughts and reframe:

    ‘Now I feel scared. I don’t feel as secure as when he used to say that.’

    Note to myself on this w hawkman too.

  108.  #108turquoise3 on July 5, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Letitshine…. that sounds like a lot of leaning forward to me. Rori says, if a man wants to see you… he’ll find you. I’d just lean back and let him come to you.

  109.  #109Ella on July 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm


    I agree with Daria, and you are obviously on his mind! I know how hard and frustrating it is to be in your position and I just think leaning back and being patient is the best option.

    Instead do something for you.


  110.  #110Ella on July 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I was feeling pissy today.

    Worked so hard.

    And now I am feeling bit empty, and scared, lonely.

    Maybe need to STOP doing stuff for a min… including typing on here.

    From the moment I get up I am often ‘doing’ stuff, and often more than one thing at once.

    Think it makes me feel stressed.

    Also a distraction from feeling feelings?

  111.  #111flower on July 5, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    i want sex change men have fun and thats it no worries , they have some issues yeah

  112.  #112Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm


    “spooked” ?
    Well that reads like he wasnt ready.
    And also this reads like an inner chemical attack.(Damn that oxytocin)

    I wouldnt offer a “bait’ (jeep viewing) – its so transparent.

    I would try something, if you are TRULY REALLY READY FOR POSSIBLE RE_RUN of same stuff and spookage !AND ready for outright clear rejection.

    Because men are direct and need strong signals , I would consider a direct FM.

    “You know it felt like fun texting you .I got excited thinking about possibly meeting again. I realised I still have good feelings for you. I also know these feelings are not friendship and that i dont want anything short term with someone as special as you..

    I understand we want different things though at the moment and accept that absolutely . IIt feels sad and disappointing and frustrating though!

    What do you think?

  113.  #113Ella on July 5, 2011 at 2:05 pm


    Who has seen the film ‘its complicated’ ?

    I LOVE that film… so interesting and upbeat, all about the dynamics of love and attraction and different personality types.

    It feels so fun and centre around the main character (Meryl Streep), who btw is a total Siren!


  114.  #114Daria on July 5, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Ella – I’ve seen it!

    OMG midnite in Paris is awesome awesome too… To be feminine like the heroine Adrianne

  115.  #115Rosa on July 5, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Sadly I disagree with Tinques view of waiting around out of kindness for someone in case he comes back from overseas and depression and self absorption and drugs, no matter what happened before. Especially as Kaitlyns arrangement with Adam was , as i remember it a fleeting one over Christmas time.
    Patiently awaiting his healing , “just in case” he healks and wants YOU, is just over functioning when he isnt IN a relationship with you !

    My take its time to care for YOU Kaitlyn and pour all thet energy into your own healing , healing your own depression and getting well and then , IF he returns and seeks you out , you have options.

    Peoples patterns dont change overnight and at this point he wants to be friends , all attention on him , all support one way to him and nothing given back.

    I would personally stop all contact and wait and see , and keep on dating , Yyaaayyy Kaitlyn,
    You may well be with someone who supports and loves YOU by that time of course.

  116.  #116Daria on July 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    I miss hawkman!

    I last heard from him in a text yesterday at 9 pm he said what are you doing. My phone then died.

    I feel guilty like I’m ‘cheating’ on him.

    I’m imagining emotional distance between u’s. Feeling resentful that there’s no contact from him in the morning.

    Didn’t talk to him by voice yesterday.

    Feeling scared lonely and disconnected.

    Thoughts of ‘now he’s free off house arrest so he can easily find another girl’



    I love my hoopla!

  117.  #117Daria on July 5, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Wow I never cared or looked for his calls and texts. They were always there and when they weren’t it was just like oh, I notice it in passing.

    I love me!

    I love my obsessive stuff coming up. I Do love you. We will be okay.

    We feel angry at this man. We feel kinda lonely. Not angry. I feel lonely and scared. I miss him.

  118.  #118Daria on July 5, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Reframe: all these men love me!

    They are fighting over me like adrienne.

    I am like Adrienne

    I can handle this and go for my dream.

    All men want me.

    This discouragement I feel and sinking feeling thinking of hawkman. Is a past pattern. I love me.

  119.  #119Daria on July 5, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    There’s a strong subconscious ‘I’m not good enough’ belief and feeling of unworthiness here

  120.  #120tinque on July 5, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Rosa – I am not suggesting Kaitlyn wait around. I was very clear on this. She absolutely needs to keep on healing herself, releasing stuff, growing.

    What I am saying is when and if Adam contacts her, because she still thinks she wants him, to be supportive and loving is the compassionate thing to do. This must be given without expectations though.

    What he does or doesn’t do she has no control over, but she does have control over what she does for herself.

    I want her to become so strong within herself that no matter what happens with Adam she WILL be okay, better than okay.


  121.  #121kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Rosa and Tinque,

    Thank you, but I’m having a very hard time NOT feeling nothing but anger and hate today no matter what dance class I’ve taken today, walk down a tree lined street, being kind to myself, answering a call from a cd, etc.

    I feel so much anger and hate, I’ve no words in reply which makes me feel bad because you both wrote to me so personally and in-depth.

  122.  #122kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    120 Tinque

    And true you’ve not been saying wait around. That’s Siren101. However, until now, you were so convinced that he would be coming back. But now you’re saying ‘if.’ What changed and why?

  123.  #123kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    And the whole time I was there for him, I didn’t give with expectations. BUT I didn’t expect to be treated like dog sh1t and feel dismissed.

  124.  #124tinque on July 5, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    kaitlyn, sweetie, it’s perfectly okay to feel angry. I would feel surprise and concern if you didn’t. How about pounding a pillow or screaming into. How about vampire scream. Let it out. Please don’t internalize.


  125.  #125kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    I am THIS close to blocking him via fb, phone, email etc sans explanation. Just like his ex did to him.

  126.  #126Kyla on July 5, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    i feel so tired these days
    my legs feel heavy and dull, like lead.
    i stomach is feeling off too. sick feelings, bloated.
    I’ve put on weight around my middle and i’m eating less.
    i’m not taking good care of myself, i’m not sleeping enough and pushing myself a little too hard.
    my body is shouting for attention. as it does when i’m not being gentle with it. i am feeling pretty sure i’m having another relapse of multiple sclerosis and ibs and i feel really annoyed as i’ve been symptom free 2 years this month. ugh

  127.  #127tinque on July 5, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    I still believe he will come back, but it will be when he’s ready, and this may be awhile, longer than you have tolerance for.

    Someone who is healthy can take months with these things; someone who is not so may take longer.

    I don’t know, and neither do you or he.


  128.  #128Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Thanks all for the advice… I will wait it out I suppose and focus on me, me, me.. I guess, I was feeling bad because I felt like he was trying to open the door and I was ignoring him by not responding to his desire to see the jeep.. I just didn’t know what to say so didn’t respond.. .. why do I feel that way.. anyway.. I guess you all are right.. if he wants to see me, he will contact me again.. when he contacts me again (ooh just noticed a bit of fear in there that he might not..that’s okay.. I love my fear..It is a part of me but I will not let it run me!!) i will use the feeling message with a combination from Rosa’s too.

    Kaitlyn: being angry is okay.. that leads to love.. love of yourself more hopefully.. give yourself credit and thank yourself for moving on regardless of your feelings…yeah for you!!!! I missed my dance class today and am sad about that!!

  129.  #129kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:05 pm


    tried that. doesn’t work. and i feel curious as to why you didn’t give me the advice until pretty much the very end, on stating my boundary (in a nice fm, which i agree DOES work with men) about having to hear about another woman?

  130.  #130Ella on July 5, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    I am working on my website. I feel so excited.

    I have so much I want to write about.

    Just finished writing my first article about weight loss and how weight management is tied in with your emotions, and your lifestyle.

    Interesting stuff (well to me anyway and hopefully to some others!).

    I am not going to share the website until I have done some more work on it though. I want to complete some more of the pages and do a few more blog articles.

    I won’t be long though.

    And it is not perfect, by any means… but it is a start, and I can improve it as I go along.

    I really hope what I have to offer can help some women, and I am going to be working a lot with how our emotions are tied in with our health, and our weight, amongst other things.

    I feel excited and hopeful and also a tinge of nerves about trying something new… and will people like it!!

    Mostly I feel excited though.

    Am also going to include on there info about my Zumba classes and my Avon business.

    I have so many ideas!!

  131.  #131kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:13 pm


  132.  #132Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 3:14 pm


    Stress is one of the worst things for MS… Relapses can be tough.

    Take care of yourself.

  133.  #133tinque on July 5, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    kaitlyn, because I wasn’t around that day until later, because I didn’t see how messed up things were becoming until I did suggest that feeling message.

    I want you to know too that not being perfect (whatever this is anyway) does not spell doom for a relationship whatever form this relationship has or evolves into.

    If nothing is working around the anger feelings, then just sit with the anger. Sink more deeply into it, so deeply that eventually it will have to change into something else.


  134.  #134kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Tinque, I understand you weren’t around for when he said he was sending me the letter to her, but 2 weeks have gone by where he was bemoaning about her. I understand that his despair of this situation also has to do with the betrayal of his friends and rejection, but it still has to do with HER. Obvs, if he were over her, he wouldn’t have been telling me what she’s doing is like salt to an already festering wound he thought he closed.

  135.  #135kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    133 And this isn’t about being perfect.

  136.  #136Ella on July 5, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Tinque & Kaitlyn,

    I am going to write to you in the third person bc that is just how it came out.

    I feel uneasy about the dynamics I am percieving that I see beween Kaitlyn and Tinque on the blog.

    I feel nervous to say anything and yet I feel concerned.

    I believe Tinque is a very wise and strong Siren, and yet I feel that she is slipping into a purely advice giving role with Kaitlyn who looks to me like a younger Siren, newer on her RR journey and hungry for advice and support.

    I feel worried about Kaitlyn becoming dependant on Tinque instead of cultivating her own strength and judgement and working with her own feelings and intuition.

    I feel worried about Tinque getting blamed if her advice does not ‘work’ or does not help Kaitlyn to feel happy.

    I feel anxious about a co-dependant type of situation…

    And I feel anxious to bring it up. I feel worried of being judged and lashed at.

    Could just be my perceptions and wrong.

    I want to see Kaitlyn develop and grow and I do not want to see Tinque being blamed.

    I feel shameful and NVs say I am interfering where I don’t belong.

  137.  #137alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    my current progress that i have experienced a couple of times lately:

    is of me not shutting people down…by

    telling them not to call anymore
    blocking their numbers
    blocking them in any way.

    instead just feeling the feelings

    usually of rejection or “not enoughness” that comes up.

    in fact, i have even become amused at the whole thing.


    and not shutting people out feels better. even if they are toxic. i feel better if i can just communicate and express my feelings and then stop contact if i want but not having to do it as an abrupt “lifesaving” reaction.

    i have only managed this two or three times so far. well no, maybe more if you count my group that i go to weekly. i keep showing up for that every week and i only walked out once. lol. but i came back.

  138.  #138Daria on July 5, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    I’m feeling much better by ‘letting go’ of hawkman if he wants to go… While also imagining I’m wanted by him and everyman

    I am ok 🙂

  139.  #139Ella on July 5, 2011 at 3:33 pm


    Have not seen Midnight in Paris – will look it up, when I fancy a Siren film night.


    Owww, wouldn’t it be fun to have a big Siren Pajama party! Lol.

  140.  #140Ella on July 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Alias Girl re 138,

    Yes yes I can so relate.

    I too am beginning to feel amused… and so much calmer.

    They can be there, even being a lil toxic.

    I don’t need to block them totally cus I can take care of myself and they are no longer such an intense threa to me.


  141.  #141Daria on July 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Go alias girl!

    I did that reaction ‘I don’t know if I want to see you again.’ on the verge of saying Fuc’k you don’t call me again I am a quern and this is not acknowledging my queen ness.

    I noticed now I project some of my feelings on men.

    I have visions of hawkman looking bummed and discouraged and thinking he is not good enough for me and not feeling appreciated.

    Instead I can juste fade him to gray and feel the feelings.

  142.  #142kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm


    I agree and don;t want to feel that way either. Why I zero’d in on Tinque for advice was because she seemed to have developed her Sireness through learning patience and quieting her nv’s.

  143.  #143Ella on July 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Haven’t eaten any bread or drank any wine for 2 days now.

    And my tummy is still really bloated.

    Think it is related to stress.

  144.  #144Daria on July 5, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Am thinking just forget about hawkman
    I know I will just be pleasantly surprised when he reappears

    This is working

    And now to think about other fun stuff today

  145.  #145kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    And I’ve decided not to block Adam for it looks immature and I’ll probably still feel the same anger. There’s nothing I can do except feel the hate until it dies. Whatever.

  146.  #146kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    And at this point when I imagine a future where Adam contacts me again, I will have a very hard time trusting him; thus HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL IN RECEIVING/WARM AND OPEN MODE.

  147.  #147Daria on July 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Ella – try taking some apple cider vinegar mixed w half cup water before eating

  148.  #148Daria on July 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Kaitlyn – vibes shift. You wana learn to shift yours faster and easier.

    Riffing works, EFT works, Cd works for me.

    EFT with a professional Really works.

  149.  #149Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I am cutting and pasting from the last article…I posted this over there but I’d like your feedback…

    Ok remember the guy who didn’t pay forbreakfast last week??
    Hmm…I’ve been thinking about emailing him and suggesting we stay in contact as a friendship, since I feel that was the vibe betwen us….

    He seems like a nice person and he is interesting, there is just no attraction at all….but I thought it would be fun to go hiking with him or what not, once in a while! And I can practice feeling messages on him! What do you think sirens (and Rusty?)

  150.  #150alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    thanks ella and daria!! I feel communion that you both related. and i also feel supported. yae!!

    this is a LIFELONG coping mechanism of how i coped with everything and everyone. lol.

    so just to have a few times of NOT doing it is pretty encouraging. i can do it a few more times. then a few more times.

    a part of me also feels Punishing when i do it. like Blah! now you don’t get to play with me and I am FUN to play with.

    but then i end up playing all by myself. 🙁 which is ok. but playing with others can be exponentially more fun.

    yae. maybe i am past my alienating others phase and am moving into being comforted and amused by the humanity of others. YES!!!!

  151.  #151kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Thanks Daria, but I’ve tried eft and it only makes me feel better for a few hours. And CD-ing has no effect on me. Why? Because I’ve never had a problem attracting men. Go ahead and say they weren’t the right men, but it doesn’t lift my vibe to cd and flirt. These are things I know I’m good at; so I feel immune to these things.

  152.  #152Nini on July 5, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Lovely Sirens
    In Germany now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Reached some hours back.
    I got my visa at the 11th hour, some hours before flying. It was literally crazy. I had only some hours to pack my stuff. I am so sorry i couldnt come here and tell you gals the good news.
    The journey was good. Only I landed here with a cold and running nose 🙂
    I went to station to book train tickets for my travel in germany. and after that we had a get together and a party. It was really good.
    I feel good being here.
    Being away.
    Meeting new people
    Talking to them
    Discussing my work with people.
    It feels good.
    I am just amazed at how life can be good after all those episodes of pain and agony.
    I got so busy with the conference stuff. It felt good to be busy and active and working.
    At some point, sitting in the flight, I remembered that yesterday was X’s wedding party and reception.
    That was all!!!

    Between, I came here and realized that I have been rechristened by Brenda, Plum, Fem and SLV 🙂
    Oh. I loved that name.
    Or should it be Ninja!!
    Thanks to all of you.
    Meemee aka Nini

  153.  #153Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    alias girl,
    I can be extreme in cutting people off when I feel they are toxic. I’ve cut off contact because I felt it was necessary for me to move on and staying in contact just made me pine and stay in a bad relationship or friendship.

    Sometimes blocking/cutting people off is a good thing.

    Some people I should have cut out of my live completely, years ago.

    But I will admit, sometimes I do it brashly and out of an urgent feeling, which is NOT good…

  154.  #154kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    And if I still do feel closed off to him if he contacts me again, what do I say? “sorry dude, but i dont feel good about being here for you at your convenience as you blow hot and cold through my life at your leisure. as curious as i am about taking another chance, because yes i still like you, i feel too afraid and i value myself too much to be hurt again.”

  155.  #155Luzydel on July 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I feel bad because I am being perhaps a little judgmental. This guy form POF who iwas talking on the phone with told me something about his past, which was a total turn off. It was such a turn off that I have not reply to his tx this morning; I am feeling guilty, but I don’t want to pretend I am ok with that.
    He is stranger anyway, I do not owe anything to him, but I can’t help feeling like a bad person, even though my values are different from him.

  156.  #156Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Hi Meemee!! Lucky you in Europe, I feel jealous! 🙂

  157.  #157alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    daria re 147 i was thinking the exact same thing! i felt afraid to suggest it. if i take vinegar i drink through straw to help avoid teeth.

    emerson – i feel you. sometimes it is the best choice. it even was for me because it was the healthies thing i could do.

    now i feel good i have more self esteem and that i feel my worthiness is more separate from outside influences so i am begniing to be able to tolerate others shennanigans more. lol. and my own shennigans as well.

    kaitlyn. riffing was the only thing that got me out of my hamster loop.

  158.  #158kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 4:08 pm


    I riff so much I’m the black hole of bandwidth.

  159.  #159Ella on July 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Kaitlyn re 146

    Yes, and this is the problem when we have allowed someone to overstep our boundaries and what feels comfortable regarding hearing about another woman (giving/overfunctioning) and accepting crumbs (hearing about her w/o him making any commitments to you or calling etc except when he needed perking up).

    He is in recieving mode and you have allowed that (you did what you thought was best at the time) and now you feel angry, resentful, like shutting off, possibly even turned off him?

    This is where us following our feelings and knowing our boundaries can really help relationships, bc if we do we can remain open and don’t get so mad etc…

    Babysteps hon.

    I can relate to this one cus I went through something similar with a man recently. Just look back at posts from me about housemate dude… Rosa shook me to sense on that one (thanks Rosa) and even though what she said triggered me to feel mad sometimes and sometimes felt quite masc advice vibe it turns out it was spot on.

    You are doing brilliantly.

    Maybe your anger will move you on into the next place you are supposed to be.


  160.  #160Nini on July 5, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    What grace God has showed. I feel grateful that after all those painful episodes I am given a chance to live my life and be happy.
    Travelling helps me lot.

  161.  #161Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    154 Hi Kaitlyn,
    At times I hear a voice of sarcasm in your delivery, which is fine to vent here on the blog, but it comes accross as a harsh voice so maybe when talking to Adam or other men I would be conscious of it. I know it may be part of your personality which is witty and cute! But when expressing feeling messages, not so much…it smacks of resentment, which I know oh so, so much about!! 🙂

  162.  #162kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    OMFG I HAD HIS ATTENTION AND AFFECTION. HE RETURNED TO ME. and couldve stayed even with this bomb dropped on him with his ex. IF i would’ve stood my ground.

  163.  #163Ella on July 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Kaitlyn re 14,

    Yes she sure has!

    I oftend find one or two members of the blog who seem to be able to help me the best.

    And I must still understand that while they can inspire, encourage and guide, they do not hold all the answers for me.

    Only I do.

  164.  #164kaitlyn on July 5, 2011 at 4:20 pm


    sarcasm was one of the things he loved me for. But since he’s been back, i’ve dropped the sarcasm with him and replaced it with appreciation and a warm/open vibe. look where it got me. yay.

  165.  #165Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    If a man offers to help, like asking what do you need or let me know what you need….and then doesn’t bring it up again, how do I bring it up and take him up on the offer?

    This accepting help thing is new to me, so I don’t know how to approach this. I feel really akward. I really could use his help though. It’s someone I know pretty well.

  166.  #166Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm


    Me too, AG. I have been QUICK at cutting people out….lightening fast.

    I am learning to slow down and feel how I feel and then deliver that way.

    It does feel good because I feel more authentic. It is also really helpful for me to remember that I get to choose, at all times, everything.

  167.  #167Daria on July 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Emerson – its ok to call a man up and ask him for help… its great actually

    2 caveats. it cant be a coverup for actually wanting to see him (even if you are justifying to yourself)

    i wouldnt ask for something i know he will say no to and therefore i end up feeling bad

  168.  #168Daria on July 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    kaitlyn – a few hours vibe shift is a GREAT start

    have you tried inserting “love” into your riffs?
    a real vibe shifter for me is the in the body riffing that Rori has

    i feel tense in my head… i LOVE the tenseness in my head… its like a magical golden queen headband (imagine self with magical golden queen headband)

    and THAT feels like… (stop to feel what i feel with magical headband on)

    like brightening up and smiling… i LOVE my brightening up and smiling


    you will know energy is shifting if you are Yawning, hiccuping, gigglin, or feeling mostly anything

    once you can keep going with this you will get to a giggly happy feeling place and can stop there

  169.  #169Ella on July 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I have had so many men offer to put up my shelves for me… and then never mentioned it again… and I have not contacted them to ask as it hasn’t felt right.

    Shelves still currently unbuilt.

    I am manifesting them being built!


  170.  #170alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    kaitlyn i dont see riffing. i feel a negativity of energy. on the verge of complaining. which is fine. and acceptable if that’s what you choose to do. but that is not riffing.

    riffing is feeling the feelings. following the feelings. loving the feelings. tracking the feelings in the body.


    i feel so big. i feel expanded. and that feels like a great big laugh in my chest. that feels like a kite. and a chuckle. and a slight smile. i love my smiling.

    i was trying to get on something negative. let me try again. lol.

    i can think of my ex. although i still feel amused. ok i will transport myself back to our last conversation.

    i feel devastated. i feel astounded. i feel like someone just ran me over on purpose. i feel sad face. i feel energy draining out of my body. i feel darkness eeping in. i feel sad face. i love my sad face. i love my darkness. and that feels like hopelessness. i love my hopelessness. that feels like catatonic state of being. i feel scared. i feel so fcking disappointed.

    he is my fcking soulmate. what an IDIOT. i feel laughter. i feel sadness again. i feel bipolar. lol.

    i feel blaming. he is an idiot. what an IDIOT. oh my gd how could i even consider wasting my time on an idiot. aw. but i feel so much affection for him. i feel CONFUSED. and that feels like a little breath of air for some reason. ah that feels like a loosening up in my chest. i feel ambivalent. whatever. i feel myself losing interest in this moment. i feel an urge to be jolly. WITHOUT the IDIOT. the idiot is just bringing me down anyhooha.

    oh i feel superbad referring to him as an idiot. he is not an idiot. i was just angry. i feel guilty. i feel self forgiving. i feel forgiveness all around and that feels like a sky opening up.

    etc etc etc.

    back in the day i would riff ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF SUFFERING AND PAIN because that was all i could do. and eventually i broke out of it. it was a hard snap for me and included losing an abusive job and almost completely losing my way.

    so depending on the person, riffing isn’t always for the timid or unsupported person. it sent me into therapy so i could have support with the feelings coming up. lol. thanks rori.

    but my life is so completely better now. and it doesn’t have to be a rugged dirt road and feeling like you’re being dragged along tied to a bumper of a truck. that’s just how it went for me.

    but i was stubborn and had HUGE walls and DEFENSE mechanisms in place. like. solid steel barriers.

  171.  #171Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm


    From where I sit, Nini… YOU did the hard work and have come out the other side, beautifully.

    I admire you.

  172.  #172Ella on July 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    I will try the vinigar thing – thanks. xx

  173.  #173tinque on July 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Ella – Thank you for your courage to say what you did. I love you for this and much more of course.

    I try as best as I can to stay neutral and offer my experiences as a woman and as a coach.

    It can become tricky sometimes treading this fine line here, and what I mean is sometimes I so want to just be a part of the group so to speak, but my role here is a bit different than most here.

    It’s my role to give advice when it’s asked for, and again I do my best not to overstep.

    As for kaitlyn, I don’t think you did anything wrong at any time. I don’t think you are in friend mode or any other mode with Adam at this time.

    I think you behaved as an ally, and whether he is ever able to step and be your man remains to be seen just as you still wanting him remains to be seen as you heal and grow,

    Feel whatever it is you are feeling as fully as you can so that it can transform into another feeling, maybe a better feeling one.

    For what it’s worth, I think you handled the whole thing brilliantly. Doesn’t feel good, I get it, but it’s a wonderful opportunity for you to face some of your own demons, gremlins.


  174.  #174Ella on July 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I manifested something great the other day.

    I want to go to this festival and a load of people from my town are going buut have already planned it and made travel arrangments… and the cars are full.

    I have been feeling frustrated about it.

    Then I just kinda let it go and thought oh well, I am sure something will turn up, I’ll keep looking but won’t push it.

    I was feeling in a happy/floaty mood and had done my Zumba class. Went to the supermarket all sweaty after and I saw this cute guy I know.

    Well I fel self conscious of being all sweaty but decided to stay open anyway.

    We got chatting. I mentioned the festival.

    He said he was going and offered me a lift!


  175.  #175Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm


    I just did this with an IM conversation I was having..

    He was telling me something and I got confused so I simply said:

    I feel confused. Can you explain that to me so I can understand where you are coming from?

    He replied Absolutely, and went in to this explanation that made perfect sense to me.

    I said: I understand completely, thank you for helping me.

    His response was You are so welcome!!

    I thought that went well and I really wasn’t on the same page. I wanted to be and was after he helped.

  176.  #176alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    lillybelle. yes, i feel shaking head yes.

    and i am giving myself time to Choose, like you said.

    this one time i said, i don’t want to make any decisions right now. i am going to go do something else.

    and the guy told me to take my time

    and i said thank you.

    it was just a few seconds from me wanting to END ALL CONTACT FOREVERMORE AND BLOCK HIM


    i need time away from these big feelings so i can make a clear choice for myself.

  177.  #177tinque on July 5, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    I meant to say hello yesterday alias girl, and I feel badly for being remiss. It feels great having you back. You sound great.


  178.  #178Mel on July 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    I feel so afraid. I feel like my life is falling apart. I feel like I need some peace from this stress but I don’t know where to find it. I feel like I really need some happiness in my life. Some good news. Some little thread of joy and hope to cling to. I feel so lost. I feel like I am judging myself and I don’t want that. I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could do things differently. I hate regrets. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I feel so afraid. 🙁

  179.  #179alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    ella (174) that is so cool!

    ARGH…. i am getting sucked back into the blog….



    i was supposed to be doing something completely else.


  180.  #180alias girl on July 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    hi tinque! good to see you too! you are as ever the most gentle person i have probably ever come across. xoxo.

    I can’t wait to see your new website!!!

  181.  #181Ella on July 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm


    Yes and you do amazingly in your role here.

    I sometimes wonder, doesn’t Tinque just want to let loose and riff, or tell us all her darkest feelings and I think I get why you don’t.

    his fits aptly into what I am pondering at the moment, and going to throw it open to all Sirens:


    I want to invite several women to the site, I really think it could help them so much.

    And yet I am worried about how it will affect me.

    Ie: one of them is housemate dude’s girlfriend, the one I have written about.

    I really like her now and kinda ‘feel’ her and I feel she has a kind heart. She is older than me and seems to really struggle with men.

    I think she could benefit so much from this site yet if I invite her I could put myself at risk (which I am not really willing to do either).

    See she just found out about the other women housemate dude was seeing… and she is furious, may not move in etc.

    She doesn’t know about me & housemate dude. Well really there is nothing to know… and yet I think she would feel upset.

    If I invite her here, and she reads about it, it could jepeordise my future in the house. And I feel safe/happy here, want to stay.

    Also, more generally I am setting up my website for women, many of whom will be women I work with, and I want to create a link to here. But if they see some of my riffs etc… without really understanding what we do here, it could affect my professional life and career negatively.

    I know I can go without my pic and still don’t think this entirely solves it, esp not with the women who know me.

    I love being able to be authentic and express freely here.

    What do you all think about this?

    Siren input needed.

    Thanks. xxx

  182.  #182Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Tinque, do you want us to ask you for advice specifically by name? I usually direct my questions (as above #149 and 165) to the sirens et al…but would love to hear your thoughts/feelings…

  183.  #183Ella on July 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Luzydel re 155

    How would it feel to tell him how you feel about what he said?

    For practicing saying open and FMs..


  184.  #184Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    167 thanks Daria…the question of whether he will say no is unclear,,,he’s come thru for me before but also dropped the ball…he’s my CD/ex/hot mess guy going thru the divorce..
    but last time I saw him a few days ago, he said things are simmering down and more calm now…

  185.  #185FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    (((((MEL))))) I understand how you must feel. You are dealing with it better–but I am feeling regret and sadness, too. A strong feeling of, ‘I just want to go back home.’

    Like Daria told me—about not beating myself up so much. I hear you doing the same. I understand. I know she’s right, though.

    I think of you often and wonder how you’re doing.

  186.  #186Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    169 @ Ella lol…this made me laugh because I know what you mean. Not funny that your shelves arent up yet tho. 😉

  187.  #187Ella on July 5, 2011 at 5:09 pm


    re 155

    CD-ing isn’t just about ;lifting vibe… in fact it often does the opposite with me.

    It is about free therapy.

    Practicing all the tools with men and getting triggered so that when he good ones show up we are ready for them, and can handle situations better!


  188.  #188tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Emerson – Yes it would be helpful for me. I read every day as much as I can, and if it seems to me a siren’s issue is being well handled, I don’t usually comment. Sometimes one thing or another will stand out, and I jump in if I think I can help.

    But if you want to ask me anything, please do. You can also e-mail me if it feels too raw to post here though it seems most are open an okay with letting it all you. YAY for authenticity.


  189.  #189Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    167 @Daria
    Hmm thinking about if the ulterior motive is that I want to see him

    I do of course

    Gah…but I need the help too

    I need a ride and some help with my car, he offered
    when I mentioned it the other day

    then I saw him and didn’t bring it up , but neither did he….hmm…maybe I missed my chance to take him up on it.

    Not sure..

  190.  #190FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Mel….is there a church you could start going to for some support? (Maybe a non-denominational one, if you’re really not into religion, as such.) Maybe you’d meet some women friends, or could talk to the pastor or pastor’s wife about what you’re going through?

    I don’t know–maybe you’ll think that’s a silly idea, but it’s so much harder to go through things like this if we’re isolated and alone thinking sad things and feeling bad. It was just a thought….

  191.  #191Ella on July 5, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Hugs (((((((Mel))))))))

    You are doing great!


  192.  #192tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Mel – I understand your pain. I think most of us here can. All I can say is that it does get better. You will find your way again. You will feel good again.


  193.  #193Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Thanks Tinque! I feel curious what your comments / advie are regarding my questions in 149 and 165

  194.  #194tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    You are so adorable Ella. Yes it can feel tempting to let it all out sometimes. lol

    But I have to take my troubles elsewhere. Fortunately it’s not often anymore.

    As for your situation, only you can make this decision. It seems to be a difficult one. If the not good feeling stuff outweighs the bad feeling stuff, well there’s your answer. If it doesn’t, there’s your other answer.

    Here’s to new shelves…


  195.  #195Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm


    Mel~Sweetie, Good for you for feeling all this. Let it all come out..It can feel scary and it can feel like if you start, you won’t stop. But you will, eventually and you will feel stronger and better.

    If you can’t let it out where you feel safe of judgement or criticism, jump in the shower and let it go there. I like the shower sobbing and crying. It feels like I am washing it all down the drain.

    I am a huge fan for crying it out. Huge.


  196.  #196Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Tinque, daria, sirens et al…I thought of saying something like this to the guy who offered help:
    “I feel thankful and happy that you offered to help me with my car situation. Can I take you up on the offer later this week?”

  197.  #197Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    i am worthy of love even though i made a mistake in communication

    i am a SAFE PLACE for him even though i made a mistake

    i LOVE my mistake

    i LOVE my pouty awful feeling i am feeling right now


    i love my fear

    i love my desperation

    i love my hopelessness


    i love my sigh

    ‘you are obviously not safe for him. you hurt blamed and abused him. he doesnt want that, he doesnt feel safe with you anymore, and why should he. youre effed up and not far along your growth path to not abuse him’

    thank you

    i LOVE you

    and… you’re not running me

    im gonna give this “i am his safe harbor” a shot

    i am gonna give this “i forgive myself” a shot

    i feel soo triggered and i WANT to forgive myself

    i can go with that

    i WANT to forgive myself for attacking blaming and abudsing him

    even though i cant

    i think i CAN!

    i love me

  198.  #198Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Emerson – oooh me likey!

  199.  #199tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Emerson – #149 – Nope. You’re not interested, so why bother. It seems to me you’re trying to be the nice girl. I remember reading that breakfast story and felt horrified. I didn’t even have to run it by K to know the face he would have made.

    As for asking for help, just do it. “I’m feeling frustrated with………just can’t seem to do it myself. Can you help?”


  200.  #200tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Yes Emerson, me likey too.

    Daria – How about this. I believe there are no mistakes, just learning experiences.


  201.  #201Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    102 @ Mali
    I struggle with that balance too…depend on myself to feel “OK” in this world (and also God because I am religious) but also depending on another person as well….I’ve done it before and ouch the pain when they are gone….waahh..
    Growing and learning, that’s what I’m striving for.

  202.  #202Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    hoenstly i feel triggered about Tinque’s participating only as a coach

    (my triggers… sorry for any triggers Tinque)

    i feel judgemental like… OH you “have to”? huh

    thats a lie

    any ‘have to’ is a lie, i was just reading an inner bonding article about how “have to” thinking keeps us stuck instead of “get to” thinking

    im like, oh so what makes Tinque better than us


    so authenticity is supposed to be healing, and here i am being authentic and getting judged and still trying to coach

    and other people are not going to expose themselves this way

    what happened to authenticity then?

    and feel judgemental, like ok these people dont ‘get it’ were supposed to be authentic, not hide in order to get respect and authority, were working to radical authenticity, come on be brave


    i feel angry

    i feel jealous, like Tinque is somehow “above” us

    jealous that she gets to be Rori’s “chosen one” to not process but get to coach


    feel pouty

    i dono what all this is about, i know i feel scared and stuff when i read “my role here is different”

    i feel jealous and separate and left out

    i HATE feeling left out

    i LOVE my hate

    i love my left out feeling

    hugs to me!

  203.  #203Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Tinque – hey thanks! for the learning experiences reframe!

    ps – sorry again for any triggers due to the judgements showing up in my process

    … i totally respect any way you choose to show up… just getting triggered. i know its not about YOU… hope you do too

  204.  #204Ella on July 5, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Tinque re 194,

    I don’t know!

    Pouty teenager face.

    Well I sure don’t want to stop expressing here, and I also want to put a link from my website, so I guess that is just a risk I will have to take… that people can handle this side of me, even in my professional life.

    Regarding inviting housemate dude’s g,friend to the blog, I so want to do it and yet I won’t sacrifice myself.

    I have moved house toooo many times recently. I want to feel settled as much as I can and don’t want to do anything that could jepeordise that.

    I am learning about putting myself first atm… and this often triggers guilt feelings and NVs about being selfish.

    But I love me.

    I may put this on the back burner for now. It may feel safer to invite her at some point in the future who knows.

    I am also leanring patience and how to choose my actions carefully in a timely fashion, iunstead of just reacting to outside stimuli.


  205.  #205Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Thanks Tinque and Daria…:-)
    Wow being here on the blog is helping me.

    I will see how it goes. Hmm one more thing…. is it leaning forward too much if I reach out and call him to ask for the help since he hasnt contacted me since we last saw one another.???

  206.  #206Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    i feel yearning for Hawkman

    i want reassurance he’s stilll attracted to me

    i want to know he still feels safe with me


    i love me

    and i have other things to think about

    i want to forgive myself

    how can i?

    and i feel lonely!

    i love me

    this is about feeling and loving my loneliness

    i coudl EASILy forgive myslef – i know – if he was showing up full force right now

    but he isnt!

    and i love me!

    i had a freakout that nearly decaptiated him and ….

    now hes not showing up and so what


    he Could be showing up even more now, calming me and stuff

    and i love me no matter what

    i feel resentful towards him now

    i love me

    i feel pouty

    i feel fear

    leaning back and breathing and opening while feeling hte feeling helps me not hold it stuck

    this is actually an amazing power of mine im learning

    i now feel better


    theres the giggle!

    theres the yawn!

  207.  #207Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Emerson – nope, its ok to call and ask a man AUTHENTICALLY for help

    but that would be if there is no one else that can help you as well… family, a friend, etc

    in other words, dont just call the sexy man because now you have an excuse to

  208.  #208Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    I don’t care what I do, I can NOT CD men with no teeth and who are obese.

  209.  #209Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Emerson – so in this case, if he’s the one that can help you, then its totally ok to call

    think of yourself as a fern, and he as a guy with a watering can

  210.  #210Ice Princess on July 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    LP didn’t come through tonight but I accept his excuse as a real, genuine one and I am surprisingly okay with it because he attempted to reschedule and he had an open conversation with me which included him inquiring about me not just talking about himself! I feel like I am getting somewhere in some baby step sort of way!! I feel good too that I planned to do something on my own (well with my kids) instead of feeling bad he cancelled.

  211.  #211Dorothea on July 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    I am going to hit the gym! And I bought myself some yummy organic food to cook for dinner! And I didn’t back down today when my guy was doing some messed up ish! i just said i didn’t like how it feels and let him fix it, even though i was stuck on feeling bad about it!

    i am doing great today!

    oh and i took a half sick day today!! 🙂

    i’ve accumulated like a bazillion vacation days – i should cash them in for some planned off time:)

    be back later

  212.  #212Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Lilybelle – aha great practice! yes you can! feel the icky feelings! say no to what feels uncomfortable from them (i bet this is where the resistance you are feeling comes in, not saying how you truly feel and boundary holes)

    but i KNOW you can pay attention to and be curious about ANY person, even a deathly ill one with leprosy

  213.  #213Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    yay ICE PRINCESS!!!

  214.  #214Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    i get to ride my bike downtown to OG house where i have mail from that guy i wrote to!

  215.  #215Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    209 oooh I like this image Daria 🙂 I will envision that when I call him.
    hee hee 😉

  216.  #216Ella on July 5, 2011 at 5:45 pm


    he he

    Ah gwoan… sure we can’t tempt you?

    Wha about men who are obese AND have no teeth, or skinny with HUGE teeth!

    Lol. xx

  217.  #217Ella on July 5, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Dorothea Yay.


  218.  #218Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:50 pm


    If you’re like many women who are committed to spiritual growth, then you also enjoy being with a man who shares your values. This is a wonderful thing to look for in a partner, and if it’s important to you, then spirituality will be an especially rewarding component of your relationships.

    But it’s so easy to mistake the friendship that can grow between two people who worship in the same way, who care about the same things, and who are devoted to their families or community.

    It may seem like a passionate, emotional bond, when what has actually developed is just a deep friendship. He’ll tell everyone what a great woman you are, but he won’t be dreaming about you night after night or longing to hold you in his arms.

    So if we can’t win his heart by connecting with his mind, body or spirit… what do we do?”

    new rori eletter

    the first two wrong roads were through his mind, and through his body

  219.  #219Wildflower on July 5, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Rosa–thank you so much. I actually read what you wrote four times it made me feel so good. I can relate to what you were saying about past relationships.

    Brenda–Hi and thanks for asking. It was laser surgery for my skin–to try to get rid of acne scars. They told me today I”m recovering very quickly!

    This blog feels addictive lol 🙂 In a good way!

    I’m feeling weird procrastinator want to run and hide feelings. A man from eharmony called and asked me to return his call. Part of me just wants to use this surgery thing for a few more days now that I’m feeling better. Just do nothing. But somehow that feels more wrong. Like I”m hiding. I told the men I’m emailing with I’m free after Thursday. Technically (per the doc) I’m free on Thursday too. So I feel guilty (I love my guilty feelings). It’s ok though. I’m not going to beat myself up for allowing myself a down day. I want to see my friends and family too! That feels important to me.

  220.  #220tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Love you Daria. You’re right I don’t have to anything, yet it was a request, and I don’t think it’s a great idea for me to mix the two, processing and helping.


  221.  #221tinque on July 5, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    Ella – I think you made a great choice. Who cares really who knows what about you, and it’s likely you can help another by sharing of yourself in this way. Yay you.


  222.  #222Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    “A man actually yearns for a woman who can help him feel his own feelings – that’s how he knows you’re the ONE woman who loves him and accepts him as he IS (and as he’s AFRAID he is), and that’s how he finally, gratefully feels he can be himself.

    If you’re not able to feel your feelings and love yourself despite them, he won’t get the sense that you will also create the same safe space for him to feel his feelings. No matter how much you try to “reassure” him that you love him – even with his faults – he won’t believe you.

    What he’ll believe is that you’ll judge him as harshly as you judge yourself.”

    ok so i dont have to judge myself for the way i communicated… even though it was ‘drama’

    i can forgive myself and love myself and

    so he will feel safe because i love me despite having chosen words i would choose differently

  223.  #223Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm



  224.  #224Daria on July 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm


    The next time you start to feel something around a man, don’t second guess yourself. Don’t talk yourself out of your feelings or stop yourself from expressing how you really feel.

    Let’s say he acted moody and distant on a special date. Instead of letting it go or suppressing the emotion, you can tell him exactly what you’re feeling. You can try something like this:

    “I feel confused and worried about what’s happening here. Is there something I should know?”

    Speak the truth without anger or drama. Just say what happened, what you felt, and what you feel.”

  225.  #225Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:00 pm


    Remember, you don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing. All you know is YOU.

    “i feel taken for granted when the time for a date keeps changing. and i feel really uncomfortable sharing that… i feel very high maintenance and judgemental of myself… and this is the truth… what do you think?”

    “i love being spontaneous and flexible, but when it comes to dates i feel so so special when its formally set with a time. it feels so romantic and i dont want to deny myself that. what do you think?”

  226.  #226Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    ” i feel special and high class and important when a man sets a time and picks me up for a formal date. and i feel insecure and unworthy requiring that… and i dont want to feel like i cant have it or dont deserve it. what do you think?”

  227.  #227Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    this is like :opening doors:

    my little doubts say: “come on now Daria, is that really important? he wants to spend time with you! appreciate it!”

    ok, i appreciate that you want to spend time with me… and it would feel so good to see you… and… formal date plans are important to me… they really make me feel honored and over the top special… and thats the kind of romance i want… what do you think?

  228.  #228Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    can someone help me here, with “making it ok”

    for me to require stuff that part of me thinks is “frilly, pretentios, and uneccessary”

    like opening doors, formal date plans, getting picked up

    i feel so “grown up” and ‘special” and “big time” and “important” when that stuff IS happening

  229.  #229Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Lillybelle – i Love your resistance… will you say… I Love my resistance… with me?

    🙂 hehe

    and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do…

    you just have to babystep with whats coming up now

    those resistance feelings are there to HELP you heal! love em!

  230.  #230Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    im expecting too much!

    its not fair to men!

    just them wanting to see me is enough!

    why do i have to insist on stupid small things like “showing up on time”

    when big things like, wanting me… are present

    but I FEEL SO GOOD when they ARE showing up on time

    and it feels so casual when they dont

    and i LIKE casual, in almost anything

    but in dating, i like formal formal formal


    i feel lost help!

  231.  #231Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    fuuuuuck… am i just expecting too much?

    tinque said she wanted love words but didnt get them until she let go of it and realized its not important

    i know this is not important, in a way

    but it feels sad to think of other people having it and me not

    boo ohooo

    i feel confused!

  232.  #232Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    228 you are not asking for too much at all, IMO

    I’ve noticed a lot of the guys I’ve met online, in fact, almost ALL of them have been late for dates, some as late as 15 to 20 minutes as I shared about the breakfast date recently.

    It really kills the vibe for me in a way, because I’m already fighting feelings of judgment and unworthiness before event meeting the guy.


    I hate when men are late, even if they do call or text. It is a bad bad first impression.

  233.  #233Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    In fact now that it’s been brought up, I feel tempted to tell breakfast guy that he was late and didnt pay and I feel angry and he’s stupid and should not be dating women! And wasting people’s time! He’s a moron and I feel angry for being so polite to him. Idiot.

  234.  #234Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    LOL I am not even in contact with him so I won’t tell him those things, but it’s a lesson for me to be more present in my feelings during dates and I should have been true to those feelings and left after 20 minutes.

  235.  #235FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Whatever happens, I have to change something(s). It’s not a feeling of urgency. It’s a deep knowing that I won’t find my way out of this bad-feeling place I’m in unless I do something different. Sometimes moving my furniture around helps me in this way. I know it sounds dumb, but it really makes me feel ‘different’ and gives me a new perspective on things in general.

    The way it is now, everywhere I turn I look at something that makes me feel bad. This whole house reminds me of my mom and her death…and me moving here, all excited and thinking I was gonna feel so much better here and that I’d be happier. I still have all her clothes and her stuff. I have to clean house….

    I’m having a garage sale Saturday and getting rid of a lot of stuff I don’t need anymore—and stuff I just don’t want anymore. I’ve noticed that I tend to hang onto things and by doing that (as much as I do) it also keeps a lot of past ‘garbage’ floating around with me too… I’ve always been too scared to do this. Not sure why. This is a big thing for me to really downsize like this.

    Of course it will make things easier when I move—-BUT, it’s the emotional part that’s driving me to actually do it. My criteria for saving stuff is if I’m using it or if it has any family history value for my kids (I’m a genealogy nut!)

    Thank you, Daria…I know I’m too hard on myself. It’s a roller-coaster sort of thing with me. I started doing some tapping last night. I don’t feel any different, but I’ll give it an honest try.

  236.  #236Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Emerson – well for example in your case, i think that if he DID text and was just 20 minutes late, that is completely acceptable for me

  237.  #237Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Okay. I feel bad keep asking for advice and haven’t given much back lately. Yet. I feel these conversations hearing from an ex are crucial and I so need your all support.

    I just got a text from ex (see post 103 for history of story/status).

    His text: “I know I’m not suppose to text, but I’m dying to know if you skied”.

    What should my response be?

    Couple ideas: one, not sure I should even tell him I went wakeboarding instead along with a feeling message as he historically will respond to the wakeboarding and ignore the others sometimes.. is that rude?

    So my response.

    It feels good to receive a text from you. At the same time I feel uneasy. I know my feelings are stronger than friendship.. I feel unsure.. a part of me wants more than friends.. a part of me doesn’t want to go that route without some open, honest, no withholding discussion about what worked and what didn’t.. I do know I don’t want only friendship.. that would not feel healthy to me.. what do you think?”

    is this too much of a response for asking about waterskiing? he’s not exactly asking me to come back or to see me and I could interpret his text as an ego boost for him just to see if I will respond or that since he knowingly said he wasn’t suppose to text, he is still in the friendship mode..

    maybe I just state all above without the part about unsure of more than friendship but I want him to know I am not gonna just come running back to him regardless.. we have to work on some things…

    or maybe I say ” you can text me if you want to..I don’t have to like it however.. it feels good to get a text from you and it triggers some old excited feelings of possibly us meeting up again to date.. however, I feel it is unhealthy for me to respond to texts if it is friendship you want.. I do know I don’t want friendship..what do you think?


  238.  #238Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Flower child – “I know it sounds dumb” it does not sound dumb

    please stop. it feels awful to see yourself putting yourself down 🙁

    please be vigilant about this. this will make the hugest change

    switching furntiure, actually switching sock and underwear drawers around, is a Rori tool for shifting our vibe and energy

    ignore “deep knowings” if they feel bad. just hug them.

    the way out is not to “claw our way out” but to let ourselves out… theres side doors that we can’t see when we’re focused on clawing our way out

  239.  #239Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Letitshine – it feeling “crucial” is yoru clue you’re in “urgency”

    you want to move out of there before doing anything

    as a response, i would go completely honest:

    ‘hi, this feels weird. i miss you and i dont want to be friends… what do you think?’

  240.  #240Daria on July 5, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    How to not put oneself down:

    when i notice myeslf putting self down. stop. Rori calls it put down the hammer (that we’re beating ourselves up with).

    feel the FEELINGS instead. they’ll usually be painful stuff like desperation, hopelessness, helplessness (hence why beating ourselves up is a distraction to escape them)

    lean back, sinnk into them, breathe

    tell them you love them

    tell yourself you lvoe yourself

  241.  #241Lilybelle on July 5, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    I love my resistance..

    I LOVE my resistance.

    I love MY resistance.

    I love my RESISTANCE.

    Yay me!!!

  242.  #242Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    You know I feel a bit mad too.. what I really want to say is WTF…if you don’t want more than friends then damnt don’t mess with my head and send me texts because I’m finally moving on.. feeling good about where my life is headed and excited about finding a man who 100% wants me and then I get this damn text from you which triggers all my feelings I have for you and I’m reminded of what I can’t have and it feels awful and I feel like you don’t care about my feelings …like you only care to know if I went waterskiiing… Thats what I would want to say.. so any advice on how to put that into a text..and maybe I should call him..texting for these types of topics feels wrong to me ..ugggh

  243.  #243FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Thank you Daria–I didn’t know moving stuff is a Rori tool. I’ve been using that one for decades. Now I know why it works! 🙂

    I do feel helpless and hopeless and discouraged. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last year. Living alone for the first time ever in my life and losing four people who were close to me has been hard.

    I’ll get the hang of it sooner or later…I wouldn’t have any hope at all if it weren’t for Rori and all the Sirens sharing here on the blog. I appreciate being able to come here.

  244.  #244Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    daria.. I read your advice on response and this is what I feel when I read it…SCARED…SCARED…I’m scared to admit I miss him..I’m afraid of his response.. isn’t that too much? I mean I don’t know if I would take him back unless we do chat but your right maybe it’s too soon for that.. I will find out what I need to know with your suggested response..I guess I am putting in the other stuff to protect myself and give myself a way out in case he only wants friends still. a way to save face.. wow..where is that coming from…??? do I admit I’m scared to him??

  245.  #245FlowerChild77 on July 5, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Thank you for the hammer idea. I can use that visual now when I feel myself starting to form my ‘I don’t like me’ thoughts. Put the hammer down.


  246.  #246DE on July 5, 2011 at 7:00 pm


    “And if I still do feel closed off to him if he contacts me again, what do I say? “sorry dude, but i dont feel good about being here for you at your convenience as you blow hot and cold through my life at your leisure. as curious as i am about taking another chance, because yes i still like you, i feel too afraid and i value myself too much to be hurt again.””

    Yes, say that…

    I admit, feeling awfully triggered by what seems to me “primadona”, “poor me”…”diva” attitude and vibes coming from u posts…yucks…:(

  247.  #247DE on July 5, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    Gosh, talk about synchronicity…energies…and God bringing people together on a specific task …

    My heart feels deeply committed to helping Eastern African rural communities…orphans, widows, etc…

    Today, I learned that a pretty influential man in PDX has his heart on helping these people as well…yet, most Americans won’t get involved or donate if they don’t get a charitable deduction…i feel sad and angry ab it…i always felt one should help another with or without charitable deductions…this is one dilemma or judgement i have over “religious” people…they donate if they can claim the deduction…which defeats the whole purpose of being a Christian…:(

    Anyway, I feel all worked up about this cause again…:( In the past I failed at asking people for help…or networking for any causes…I am not a people pleaser…:( my nvs are at work right now…

    A good relaxing bath might help to regroup…and begin networking for this cause…

  248.  #248Ice Princess on July 5, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Ugh! I was doing so well until I read his fb comments. Now I am feeling so yuck! I wish his neighbor wouldn’t comment on every damn thing!

  249.  #249Ice Princess on July 5, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Why am I so jealous? Why can’t I be more calm!?

  250.  #250DE on July 5, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Ice Princess:

    The question should not be “why”…but rather…

    In what way am I giving up my personal power in the context of this relationship? What is it that u are not getting? and what is that u can do to regain u self-power…

    Sorry, i don’t recall u personal situation…either or…questions like “why”..place us in a “victim” mode…so, reframing the question…could help you reframe the thoughts and thus, create the shift u need to gain u personal power back….

    Warm hugs,

  251.  #251Ice Princess on July 5, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Thanks DE for your response. I over-react to everything…it is something I am working on. I still do not feel good about here zillion comments on his Casey Anthony post, but it does make me feel good that she has to post on his page which means he is not with her (and time and time again he has assured me that she is nothing he would be interested in). I know that I need to trust that if I trust him, but I let fear get the best of me.

  252.  #252Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Im soooooo mad and very angry right now….

    So my response ended up being ” I feel nauseous. it feels good to get a text from you and it also feels a bit weird..it triggers feelings of curiousity and a bit of uneasiness as well cause I still like you..at the same time I value myself too much and know I don’t want friendship though.. what do you think?

    His response is absolutely unreal.. prolly not worth the time to post but I am to help me get over my anger and onward..

    “I had a moment of weakness. I am overtired and sleep deprived from the weekend. It has been very difficult to become cut off from you so abruptly. I hope I don’t have to delete you out of my phone but maybe that is the answer”

    I am posting so I can say what I want to you all and not him… HOW DARE You!! Yes delete me from your f*(&*(ng phone if you can’t control yourself to not be considerate of my feelings…. you JERK!!!

    but I think the best thing is to just not answer at all anymore..now I’m sad, sad sad.. he wants his cake and eat it too.. to text me until he finds someone else I guess or until he can get himself over me well– not, not, not gonna happen!!!!!! I value myself too much.. I love me.. I love myself too much.. I love me for not going the friend route..it would have only dragged things out longer… Im still very angry.. I love my anger.. I love me.. I feel like I want to cry again..I need to get on my horse I know but I just want to get back at him for not having any self control..but I guess it’s me.. that needs to not care..just not sure how the heck to do that???

  253.  #253Letitshine on July 5, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    hmmm..he is controlling or trying to control me.. NOT GONNA HAPPEN..

  254.  #254Wildflower on July 5, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    Letitshine this probably won’t make you feel better but for what it’s worth your statement seemed really honest, vulnerable but still with darn solid boundaries.

  255.  #255Dorothea on July 5, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    I had a very sireny night taking care of me:) I went to the store to buy some goddessy organic food, I went to the gym to exercise my goddess body, i washed some of my goddess clothes, I walked around my neighborhood exploring, I cooked myself a nutritious and best tasting fish i ever had meal, I did the dishes to ensure that the goddess lair stay clean, and here I am thanking myself for all of it:)

    I want every night to be like this. There are 3 perfectly good weekend evenings for dating. The other nights are for the goddess.

  256.  #256Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    236: Daria says:
    Emerson – well for example in your case, i think that if he DID text and was just 20 minutes late, that is completely acceptable for me

    Daria, I agree, it’s not that bad, perhaps if it was someone I knew well.

    But IMO, for a first date and first impression, I still feel a bit put off.

    I made an effort to be there on time and look cute with makeup and hair and outfit….and even waiting 20 minutes I feel self conscious and insecure and unimportant. AAACK

    I feel curious about my insecure feelings.
    I feel unimportant when someone keeps me waiting
    I feel silly for being on time and rushing to be there at a certaint ime
    And that feels like sick to my stomach
    and tight in my throat
    feels like sweating and hot face
    feels like crying and watering eyes
    feels like laying down and resting

  257.  #257DE on July 5, 2011 at 9:30 pm


    I totally understand u feel angry right now…and by all means feel the frustration of not being head, not feeling special, etc…

    Yet, he said ““I had a moment of weakness. I am overtired and sleep deprived from the weekend. It has been very difficult to become cut off from you so abruptly. I hope I don’t have to delete you out of my phone but maybe that is the answer”…

    This statement feels very vulnerable to me…actually, quite “feminine”…in this kind of situations, we need to “outgirl” them…so after doing some deep breathing…okay, maybe a vampire scream too…i would get back to how i feel (after a highly emotional moment, then u will likely turn to sadness…and that’s the moment i would respond…) I would say “Wow, i feel unheard and very sad reading u message…” and leave it at that…he would say something else likely…but i would not go into more explanations, especially via txt…i would only use…”okay”, sad faces…and “i don’ t know”…

    In the meantime, I try to remember tomorrow is another day…give myself i big hug for not blaming and attacking…

    Warm hugs,

  258.  #258DE on July 5, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    Ups…correction…”not feeling heard”…

    arghhh…so many misspellings…

  259.  #259DE on July 5, 2011 at 9:55 pm


    Wow, that sure sounds very sireny of you 🙂 Sooo happy to hear about it 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  260.  #260Emerson on July 5, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    I feel a lot of NV today….REALLY taking over my thoughts, sense of urgency, hopelessness, failure all related to relationships and lost time.

    I am trying to shift into loving me and loving my flaws and what I see as my mistakes of the past.

    I feel like I wasted so many years, they went by so fast. The same fears and NVs keep coming up, I like what Daria suggessted to stop by putting down the hammer.

    Feel the feelings….and I feel so many things….
    fear of being alone
    fear of never having a family
    sad about aging
    scared of losing my parents
    scared of feeling lost
    too fat
    too old

    not sure how to fit into this age bracket. I don’t fit in. I feel judged. I feel judged for being single at 40.
    I am judging myself, but I feel that others judge me too.

    Maybe I shouldn’t have been on the pill all those years and I would have gotten pregnant along the way somewhere

    I know that’s a crazy thought…

  261.  #261alias girl on July 6, 2011 at 12:25 am

    so i have started attracting what i think of as fine-looking-men. so it is a new challenge, (only slightly so far…which is not very far at all seeing as how it hasn’t gotten to date status yet) to treat them the same as men i do not feel attracted to. (suddenly texts seem okey dokey…)

    although what i am REALLY starting to be attracted to and not attracted to is HOW I FEEL about and around a man and how i am treated. YAE!!!!!!!!

    but i must say i am attracted to a certain “type” and those type have started showing up. which makes me happy. i DO have an idea of how i want a man to look. so shoot me for not being 100% rori. i like a certain type of man. just like i like a certain type of ice cream. and my ideal man looks just like my ex. lol. haha. he has ruined other men for me. lol.

    and “busy man” pimp finally called and left a voicemail. (amazing how they figure things out when they want to) so i called him back. then he texted me two hours later with a question i had answered in my voicemail. BLECH. this man does not listen to my voicemails. and I will ONLY listen to his voicemails. i do not forsee this going far. though i still feel willing to sex him up. but i didn’t text him back. so maybe not so much.

  262.  #262Nikita on July 6, 2011 at 1:34 am

    Oooh, yes! Fine men are being attracted…..yes!!!!!!!!!

  263.  #263Nikita on July 6, 2011 at 1:37 am

    (amazing how they figure things out when they want to)


  264.  #264Daria on July 6, 2011 at 2:04 am

    omgosh so Pleaser never called – he said he was not tryna do a one nite stand, i didnt have sex with him, he was supposed to come see me today, didnt hear from him… SO glad i didnt put myself in a position to possibly feel bad not hearing from him

    Hawkman – sent a “hey” today. i sent hei back… my energy had shifted

    then he says… so youre not talking to me?

    i didnt answer


    and then he said he felt like the bad guy and the victim about the messed up date plan

    and i said oh

    and he said he missed me

    and i said

    yeah ?? 🙂

    and i was smily

    i felt like i was flirting like i felt turned on like when a guy is first tryan get to know me and i like him

    and then he says he really did miss me

    i said oh that feels good

    i felt SO powerful.

    i did not even say oh i miss you too, or get into how sorry i was

    cuz he just seemed like he wanted to come around, and was almost like getting a chance to talk to me all over again

    i felt way powerful

    oh yeah he said what are youd oing tomorrow.

    and then he says

    oh im just asking if thats ok

    – so he did not ask me out –

    so i burst out laughing!

    and he said why are you laughing at me

    i said i dont know

    thats when he said he missed me

    i felt amazing and very powerful

    it was WAY different than i imagined

    i imagined an “oh baby im so sorry, i missed you, i missed you too”

    but instead this was like a cautious flirt like he was winning me over the first time

    and i was feeling coy and sexy

    i loved it

    and i felt powerful

    he said can he call and i said yeah

    he hasnt called

    but whatever, i felt amazed and good, im learning so much and i feel POWERFUL

    i can handle this!

  265.  #265Daria on July 6, 2011 at 2:12 am

    “sorry dude, but i dont feel good about being here for you at your convenience as you blow hot and cold through my life at your leisure. as curious as i am about taking another chance, because yes i still like you, i feel too afraid and i value myself too much to be hurt again.””

    this is great except for the YOU blow hot and cold. that will feel triggering – not the way we want

    and yes i know there was intentional cool cynical blame there, but lets just make it easy on ourselves and say something that he can hear

    “i dont feel good about being here when a man blows hot and cold through my life. as curious as i feel about taking another chance, because yes i feel like i still like you, i feel too afraid and i value myself too much to be tolerate feeling unimportant and taken for granted”

  266.  #266Daria on July 6, 2011 at 2:19 am

    Letitshine – wow you are doing AMAZING in a hugely triggering situation girl!

    fuchk what he said, YOU TOOK CARE OF YOU!!

    and the results are gonna show, with the next dates… your self respect will be at a new threshold now

    you don’t take bs and you don’t need icky feelings and non step up stuff

    now you don’t need to not care… you need to FEEL those feelings you feel, cry em,, hold em, love em, and you will heal heal heal

    you are very brave and you did BRILLIANT!

    i know inside you feel stronger, even through this storm of triggered feelings

  267.  #267Daria on July 6, 2011 at 2:21 am

    Emerson – AHA you felt bad because you worked hard to be there on time (effort) and you saw him being late as meaning “he doesnt care for me” and that triggered your “im not worthy” feelings

    this is what happened with me with Hawkman

    maybe relax a lil bit about the being on time, you dont have to, remember you dotn have to impress the man…

    im almost always late… that brings another set of NV’s up

    just love the nv’s and keep reframing to not blame HIM either…

  268.  #268Kyla on July 6, 2011 at 2:30 am

    Thanks Lilybelle

  269.  #269Amazing Me on July 6, 2011 at 2:31 am

    I am awake at 5 am here, this seems to be a pattern and I hate it. I was awakened by a dream, I guess that what it was, sat straight up and was like wow! Ok my friends and family knew what was going on and who this man was that loved me so much. I only knew what info was given to me and I don’t know how I got it just did. I found out some man I have been in contact with at some point had realised I was “the one.” I was supposed to get all dressed up and my family then drove me to a place, some of my closest friends were there. This guy was like the man behind the curtain, I had no idea who he was and had to try and pick him out through some wierd talent show type thing. Once he revealed himself and I knew it was him, I was to make a decision if I wanted what he wanted as he would present me with a ring and ask for my hand in marriage. BUTTTT what happened was my makeup kept messing up while getting ready, I couldn’t find the right dress and before I could get out of the house family started showing up. Telling me he did not want to do it that there were too many people showing up and I was late. This guy was running the whole show. I was just like along for this crazy ride but at the end didn’t feel so well because not only did I not know who he was, I was told when he was ready we would try again. If this seems wierd or wacky sorry I am half asleep here but this means something, I am a firm believer about dreams and true meaning and life lessons inside of them. What was this about? I still have no idea? Did I just have a wierd and crazy dream or did it in some way mean something in my reality?? What do you sirens think?…do you believe dreams play a role in reality or do I sound like a nut right now. Well obviously tired but wanted to write the dreeam out now before I woke up and forgot it. I hate feeling like I am waiting on someone so I don’t, I CD…. but this man in the dream, whose face I never saw, had full control and called the shots and it left me feeling helpless, horrible, and questioning everything……

  270.  #270Daria on July 6, 2011 at 2:32 am

    im gonna use some olive oil as shaving oil! yay for research, i found something new

  271.  #271Lilybelle on July 6, 2011 at 3:59 am


    “i DO have an idea of how i want a man to look. so shoot me for not being 100% rori. i like a certain type of man. just like i like a certain type of ice cream. ”

    Me too, Sister and they have teeth and are not overweight.

  272.  #272Letitshine on July 6, 2011 at 4:04 am

    thanks Daria and DE!

    This morning I feel a small amount of anger, definitely sadness… I am confused DE why I would respond to him..he is not my BF anymore and clearly only wants to be friends for his benefit??

    Actually, now I feel like texting ” do what you want..Thank you!..I felt sad reading your message..yet it is now perfectly clear..you don’t deserve me..goodbye”

    why do I want to text this..it is how I really feel but I guess I want to have the upper hand where right now, he gets to walk away thinking he has it??? what does that mean??

  273.  #273Ella on July 6, 2011 at 5:36 am

    Hey Lovely Sirens,

    I just had half an avocado with some fresh prawns and organic lettuce leaves (yum).

    I have lost more weight 😉

    Not sure if I have still got my life to the festival.

    I feel unsure what to do about this sceanrio because I do really want to go.

    This was my one Summer treat I was planning for myself as I am not having a holiday this year. And I feel excited about going.

    So do I just buy a ticket and take a chance that it will fall into place and I will either be able to get a lift or I can drive and some people will show up to come with me?

    If it backfires I could end up driving down alone 🙁 – I feel scared.

    And unsure.

    Oh and the other factor is that there is an important work event on at the same time… well I could make one day of the work 4 day event, and then go to the festival for the other 3 days…

    I feel torn.

    I want to do thw work event for my business.

    But my feelings (what I really want) are to go to the festival. As it is not falling easily into place though is the universe trying to tell me not to go?

    I want to go to a festival every year, and every year I don’t!!

    Hmph… might see if any of my other friends want to go.

    Any Siren thoughts?

  274.  #274Letitshine on July 6, 2011 at 5:40 am

    I feel so sad.. I want to cry a river…I can’t hold it in anymore…

  275.  #275Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 5:53 am


    Try EFT ..”Even though I feel this rejection and pain, i deeply and completely accept myself/. Google the tappers please . i like Nick Ortner

    Your anger and pain is proportional directly to the secret hopes you held ..unconscious as well as conscious. Be gentle to you.

  276.  #276Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 5:59 am

    Lbelle …chortle guffaw…yes mine are in same age group! I am very aware of being the person I want !
    I am needing to lose 6kg since major surgery..meanwhile add “tubby” to teeth and hair 🙂

  277.  #277Ella on July 6, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Hmmm, date for tonight from POF seems to have flaked… and I don’t feel bothered. Well maybe tiny mild disappointment (maybe… so minute though).

    Now I can get on and do the stuff I want to do!!

    And today I manifested some stuff for my bedroom that I wanted.


  278.  #278Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 6:02 am

    Hi Daria!
    I use macadamia oil for hair ,skin, shaving and Sirenity!

  279.  #279Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Hi Ella , I just dealt with my triggeredness re flakers. i was surprised just how it set me off , till I realised it was about being “worth it” and “special” and “cared about” . It was also about my Dad who flaked absolutely on my Mum then died of cancer…

    So now I feel relieved and special to ME . And I am focusing on the ones who value me and a great date this weekend ..not on the one who flaked..it wasnt about me.

    I am glad you are positive about the things you can do instead.

  280.  #280Letitshine on July 6, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Rosa…thank you!!! I will try that.. curious …what’s your take on responding to him with a feeling message.. I think he just wants to feel like he is in control…and he has won.. I feel totally like crap..it hurts, hurts, hurts..

    I could purely experiment …just to see what outgirling would do…with no expectation of getting him back..I don’t want him back but I am very very sad..or is that a way of instilling guilt on him..I can’t help the way I feel though…

  281.  #281Jeannette on July 6, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Why is life so stinkin hard sometimes??!! I am still mourning over the death of my true love Steve and I have to work today. I have 7, yes, 7 massages to give. Everyday is a repeat of the last. I don’t get paid if I don’t work, it’s just way too hard right now. The week I took off for Steve’s funeral I didn’t get paid one red cent. It was the first week I took off in 31/2 years. I am just burnt and really struggling not to break down. Life is too hard…

  282.  #282Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 6:23 am

    Jeannette , what a blessing!
    Seven opportunities to heal a little with each one.

    I know that sounds like shit and I know I am not in your shoes , but I have done loss and cancer (mine) and I have recovered. I know that you are a strong woman , guts of steel Jeannette.

    That means extra need to be kind to yourself and just see each massage you give as an energetic exchange. You TAKE the life energy and absorb it into you through your hands , and you let yourself relax as you massage .

    Pain is shit Jeannette , its cold , its barren, but it is also not yours to keep.

    Ask the angel on your right shoulder to begin the healing through your loving hands.

  283.  #283Ella on July 6, 2011 at 6:26 am

    I love Macadamia nuts!

    They are like a meal in themselves.

    Have not tried the oil… will though. I love trying new stuff.

    Date for tonight showed back up… dang I better get on with my work so I can be free!

  284.  #284Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 6:46 am

    RE 271 Lilybelle you we must be twins. I have to tried the missing teeth thing and I can tell you it was triggering. I have a friend who seem to be okay with the size thing as well as a huge visible scar that I keep questioning. It is teaching me a lot about myself and what makes me happy.

  285.  #285Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 6:49 am

    RE 281 Jeannette I am hoping you can find some value in this. It was a pickmeupper today.

    Read this


    Don is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, ‘If I were any better, I would be twins!’

    He was a natural motivator.

    If an employee was having a bad day, Don was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

    Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, ‘I don’t get it!’ ‘You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?’

    He replied, ‘Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or…you can choose to be in a bad mood

    I choose to be in a good mood.’ Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or…I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

    Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or…I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

    ‘Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,’ I protested.
    ‘Yes, it is,’ he said. ‘Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

    You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life.’

    I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

    Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, ‘If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?’

    I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. ‘The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,’ he replied. ‘Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or…I could choose to die. I chose to live.’

    ‘Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?’ I asked.
    He continued, ‘…the paramedics were great.

    They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’. I knew I needed to take action.’

    ‘What did you do?’ I asked.
    ‘Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,’ said Don. ‘She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.’ The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity”

    Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.’

    He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude….I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

    Attitude, after all, is everything

    Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’ After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
    You have two choices now:

    01. Delete this

    02. Forward it to the people you care about.

    You know the choice I made.

  286.  #286Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 6:51 am

    I wrote earlier about FM letitshine,

    truly i have learnt that men do what they are going to do ! They do what they are READY to do . They do not do what you HOPE and YEARN for .

    Therefore any waiting, hoping, trying , planning , strategising, thinking about feeling messages, wishing you sent more or less texts/emails/thoughts is all just FLUFF in your brain. its useless energetic waste, wheels whirling and going no where.

    Truly what works is when you take your energy RIGHT OUT of it and shine it inside yourself , recharge YOU , get the total hit of all your love and hopes hooked into yourself.

    I have learned that showing yourself you are free to move on and are strong and resilient is VERY attractive! To you yourself:) . And to men too. But possibly different men than those who are weak and unready for relationship.

    I also feel cringing and sickness when i read some of your stuff as it is so very, very ME , as i was in the past..wishing and hoping and praying ..planning emails , strategising and churning over and over. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! It hurts! It isnt going to work..

    This man is not in the same plane,. he is not sounding ready . He will be less ready if you strategise him and he is smart and will feel it up front and absolutley.

    Not strategising means NO CONTACT..phew! is that him i hear breathing??? Coming a little closer in the silence??

  287.  #287Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Jeannette, Wow! I’m impressed. Your job is such a powerful healing profession!!! You will bring your clients happiness, peace and healing today. 🙂 I am sending you ((hugs)) and warm thoughts. I am sorry for your pain and loss. 🙁

  288.  #288Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 6:53 am

    284 FW ..teehee..I am VERY ok with “the size thing:) “

  289.  #289Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 7:02 am

    RE 269 Amazing Me I sense you struggling with vulnerability in that dream. I believe in dreams. I also sense that your subconscious might be shifting the type of men you normally attract to what you actually want. I might be wrong but I sense several mixed messages in there about yourself and what you want. I believe though that as we become clear on what we want our subconscious work through what was originally programmed there and then a shift occurs and then we get what we want.

  290.  #290Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 7:05 am

    RE 152 Nini great to see you have accepted the shift. It can help refocus your mind to the great things happening in your life. I feel your energy in your words.

  291.  #291T-Girl on July 6, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Thought I would pass this on (from an e-mail from Jonathan Aslay):

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  292.  #292Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Last night I went to bed praying that I would not wake up with NV like I do almost every day. It didn’t work, I woke up to a dream reminding me of everything I don’t have in my life but I want.

    I know it’s not a good habit to focus on what I don’t have, but I can’t seem to stop. I’m really trying hard to focus on what I do have and what is positive.

    I even started thinking maybe I am suffering the consequences for bad choices in men in the past and now I’m going to be alone, it’s just my fate.

    Yes very negative I know. I feel like I need some intense counseling but I can’t afford it right now.

  293.  #293Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Kaitlyn , I like that you feel anger and hate as that is so much more wired than grief and pathos ..its a progressive dance and you are blitzing the room.

    Kaitlyn its no fun. Harder for you that some because your delightful sexciting sidesplitting personality will defend you only to a certain point(by sarcasm and alternative point scoring that helps you feel safe )
    Then you may get attacked and eventually you will have to really get to know what you want – try them all with the real you !THAT Kaitlyn is broad thinking and explorative amd not averse to being.challenged Hmmm .. be the most DIVA DIVAyou can be , whuile same time secretly reflecting on you and your growth
    I feel a whole branch burst forth here not just a few few buds… I lost myself in growth metaphors in Summer ..But I believe it so and use this in hypnosis for rapid “cure of “hurt” and general hypnosis.

    Todays was vaginsmus. By the time I finish the hypnosis program she will be realaxed for tests and for sex and free of the unconscious cause if her sexual inability..the vaginsmus is just a metaphor for “angry vagina ‘ or sad vagina’ or never again vagina..all of which decisions need to be dismantled, “at a comfortablke rate, often instantly , in hypnosis.

  294.  #294Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 7:13 am

    RE 146 Kaitlyn don’t know if you are open to this but I “fake it till I make it” sometimes. Just to test myself to see if I can do it. It might not be “authentic” but it helps me visualize and practice. I picture my heart opening to everyone I pass during the day, my hands outstretched and my palms opening. I practice this with everyone, particularly people who trigger me. I see it as working on myself and not as reacting to what/who is in front of me.

  295.  #295Letitshine on July 6, 2011 at 7:13 am


    You are right!! Thank you.. I am still working through the sadness that I must feel to heal and move on.. you are right.. he is not ready even though he says he is.. I deserve better and I know I do.. I’m just sad still. I love my sadness. It is a part of me.. eventually. I will not feel sadness I know.. I need to keep riding forward..I was doing okay and moving on until I got that damn text that he knows he wasn’t suppose to send as he stated…I can’t worry about why..that is his MO.. I love myself too much to not ride forward.. maybe I will take my kids to the pool today and not take them to camp..that would feel good.

  296.  #296Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 7:15 am

    RE 291 Thanks T-Girl

  297.  #297Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 7:17 am

    RE 295 I am sure you chose that name for a reason. I would bring some focus to that reasoning.

  298.  #298Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 7:19 am

    Emerson , I will hypnotise you too..Every night as you go to sleep , your comfortable unconscious mind begins to process the things that need to be processed and let go of the things that need to be let go of.
    This leaves you free of all that pressure and ready to wake fully rested and an enjoy your wonderful day , every day@!!!

  299.  #299Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 7:23 am

    178: Mel says:

    I feel so afraid. I feel like my life is falling apart. I feel like I need some peace from this stress but I don’t know where to find it. I feel like I really need some happiness in my life. Some good news. Some little thread of joy and hope to cling to. I feel so lost. I feel like I am judging myself and I don’t want that. I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could do things differently. I hate regrets. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I feel so afraid. 🙁


    Mel, I do understand what you are going through. I was about 1 year older than you are now when I went through my divorce. I think I know a lot about what is going on in your mind.

    1. You spend a lot of time thinking back on the relationship. You wonder where it went wrong, you wonder what you could have done differently. You try to figure out who was at fault, where when and why.

    2. You regret everything you feel you did wrong. You wish you could have those moments back for a do over.

    3. And here is a sensitive spot. You fear you won’t find somebody as good. Makes sense right? Because when you got married, you had it in your mind that he was the best you could get…right? I mean if you didn’t think that, why get married…right? So now you fear that finding a guy as good looking, etc…(insert positives you liked about him here.) But the truth is, that’s just negative voices in your head. There isn’t ONE person for everyone. There are millions of people that are right for you. Now you get to have fun allowing some of those great guys to compete for your love and affection. And make no mistake, they will. You are a pretty woman, so guys are going to take notice.

    One other thing that is on your mind if you are like I was…you are starting to fear that by the time you find someone, get married, enjoy a few honeymoon years, then have kids, you will be 40 before your first child arrives, if not older.

    OK, here is what I can tell you. First, you will not have to worry about finding a “BETTER” guy…you will. You are wiser, and you can learn from your mistakes. Don’t get caught up in little details. The overall package of the next guy will likely be much better. Maybe he won’t make as much money, but it money a need or a want? I think for you it is a want. What you want is a man who adores you. So start making a list of the pros and cons of your EX and use that as a learning tool to make a needs and wants list for the guy you are looking for. The needs list should be much smaller IMHO. Like honest, kind, has a job, is acceptable in the looks department, etc… Mucho money, great looks, etc., should be on the want list.

    But I do believe you are wiser now and will be able to find a man better suited to you and thus he WILL be a better overall man than your ex.

    You should also not worry about kids too much. Worry about what you can do something about. Don’t worry about what you can’t. here are pros and cons to both having or not having kids. If you have kids, you have the standard family situation with all of it’s associated drama. Without kids, you are free to do what you wish with your mate. Want to run off for a weekend to an exotic locale? Much easier when you have more money to do so and don’t have to take the kids into consideration. Any person is going to be much better off mentally by just accepting “what is” in these situations and just living their life. You never know what will happen. My present wife became pregnant with our daughter, a year after my first marriage’s divorce became finalized. But if that hadn’t have happened, we would have still been happy. You make your own happiness by simply accepting what is and making the most of it. There are pros and cons in everything. Concentrating on the pros is much more mentally healthy.

    Work on your self. Find happiness for yourself, date lot’s of guys, dance with almost any guy who asks, be flirty, and the right guy will come along. CDing is very much what the doctor ordered right now. It is basically what I did when I was in your shoes. My best friends girlfriend was appalled that within a 20 minute visit to my place, they watched me answer the phone as 4 different women called. What really got her was that I had a legal pad with girl’s names on it and some details of each girl and as each girl called, I picked up the pad and glanced at it, then would say something like, “How’s your daughter Julie doing tonight.”

    My friend’s GF came over and picked up the pad looked at it, counted 34 names, gave me a disgusted look, and told her BF they had to go. He of course knew all about this so he came up to me as she walked out the door, bumped fists and said, “You go Pimp Daddy.” 😛 Hey, I was CDing, whattayawant? 😉 See, the thing is, for me, my emotions remained settled when I was talking to someone. It’s when you are alone that the NV’s start occupying your mind. So get out there and CD

    You will find happiness again. You will. But the best way to do so is to get out there and start dating and spend time with friends. That’s what I did. It wasn’t long before the pain went away. It’s like an earthquake. At first it seems like the world is ending. Then you have aftershocks that come and go and as time goes by, they get weaker and further apart. Pretty soon, you are happy.

    To tell you the truth, eventually you won’t even remember what it was like living with him. You will remember small details here and there but your new life will occupy most of your thoughts.

    You ARE going to be OK. Trust me on this one. You are young, pretty, and single for all intents and purposes. The world is soon to be your oyster again. Enjoy it.

  300.  #300Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 7:29 am

    The Ready Man

    He calls often because he wants contact.Spontaneous reaching out.
    He texts infrequently because its ambiguous and feels empty..
    He plans and carries out life events and making you part of them.
    You appreciate him.
    You feel safe to call him when work and friends and life is hard. He understands.
    You feel safe to invite him over because you know he will hug you all night and not expect you to cook!
    You feel safe with his friends because they know you are a special petal ..:) They share the care

    He wants his kids to know ypu because you are a special kid person and you all end up giggling 🙂

    He knows how to find jewellers with great stones ,and he keeps it a secret from you till he presents you with his troth.

  301.  #301Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 7:30 am

    OH, and BTW, it appears me and my wife will work things out. I was getting prepared to move to California and she said she didn’t want me to do that. We are talking right now and I feel there is still hope. But who knows. Nobody knows the future. I could be pouring my energy into a black hole, or rebuilding the foundation of our relationship. Who knows. But I will wake what is in front of me for now, and see where this goes. Either way, I will be OK. Either married and working it out, or reuniting with my best friend in California.

  302.  #302Rosa on July 6, 2011 at 7:32 am

    I Like you Rusty !
    You are all man,
    34 CD’s and counting…yuuummm

  303.  #303Butterfly Wings on July 6, 2011 at 7:35 am

    #292 Emerson – praying you would *not* wake up with NV’s is telling the universe you want NV’s because the universe doesn’t recognise “not”.

    You’re doing the right thing by trying to focus on what you do have, so why don’t you also focus on what you **want** as well?

    I’ve been where you are, and I get where you’re coming from. I also get how hard it is to snap out of it too! It’s sooo soo sooooooo hard!

    But remember: Your fate will only be to be alone if that’s what you focus on. What you focus on you attract!

    Yep you’ve probably made some silly mistakes (who here hasn’t??), but the good news is that you get to learn from those mistakes – even if it’s to know what type of man NOT to go for next time!

    For myself, my past silly mistakes have put me on an amazing path that is going to potentially change the lives of thousands of other women, and for that I am truly grateful. I am also grateful to my ex hubbies (yep I have two!) for my two amazing daughters!

    What might help you is to start a “gratitude journal” where every day you write a list of around 5 things you are grateful for. I like to do it before bed, although others prefer to do it first thing in the morning – up to you.

    This process will then start “training” your mind to focus on and even look for things to be grateful for. I now find myself making a mental note when something good happens, to write it in my journal before I go to bed that night.

    I hope that helps! xxx

  304.  #304Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 7:39 am

    RE 299 “Like”

  305.  #305Mel on July 6, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Thanks Rusty! I needed that today.

    And I’m happy for you! 🙂 I hope things can turn around for you guys!

  306.  #306Mel on July 6, 2011 at 7:43 am

    I took off my wedding ring today. That was REALLY hard.

  307.  #307Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 7:51 am

    303 thanks BW it does help. Good point about the NVs, I didn’t think of it that way.

    I resist change sometimes, even though I know it’s necessary.
    I love my resistance.

    I will try the journal.

    I was really living in the moment with the last two guys I dated, but I was doubting their long term potential because of trust issues. But I went with it and gave it a try anyway, and now it feels like wasted time. But yes, I guess I can learn from that.

    I feel really closed off and like I will never fall in love again. I feel flat and blah…like why invest when the torture after is so hard to bear. I don’t want to feel like that. I need a serious breakthrough.

  308.  #308Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 7:54 am

    302: Rosa says:

    I Like you Rusty !
    You are all man,
    34 CD’s and counting…yuuummm


    Yeah, I got all the classics, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Led Zepplin, Def Leppard, etc… 😉

    On a serious note, some of those names were scratched out, and some weren’t that should have been by that point.

    The point was that I decided to get out there and meet people and it was like the flood gates opened up. Truth be told though, while it was enjoyable, it wasn’t what I wanted long term. Like you ladies, I was in it to find ONE special person to put my energies into.

    Funny thing though, my friend never stopped calling me “Pimp Daddy” much to my wife’s chagrin. I think he did it just to tease her. 😛

  309.  #309Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 7:57 am

    306: Mel says:

    I took off my wedding ring today. That was REALLY hard.


    Do yourself a favor. Put it away in a safe place. Don’t put it back on, even if he were to take you back. The only way you ever put it back on or even look at it again is if he courts you, and asks you to marry him all over again. Then give it to him…and have him put it back on at a small wedding where you guys renew your vows.

  310.  #310Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Has anyone here ever gone on one of those bargain rate cruises? Just saw one in October for $229 a person + tax & fees. Leaves Miami, goes to Nassau Bahamas, CocoCay, Key West and back to Miami.

    it’s with Royal Caribbean. I was curious if these tend to be not only cut rate but also cut features. And how much money would you need to just enjoy yourself on board? What actually costs more money on the ship? Does the price include 3 meals, or do you pay extra for that?

  311.  #311Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 8:17 am

    RE 301 That’s great Rusty. All the best.

  312.  #312AmazingMe on July 6, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Re 289 Thanks for your input FW….I feel that it is linked in many ways but I always will feel that I will know when he shows up….Maybe a dream but just saying..

  313.  #313Mel on July 6, 2011 at 8:36 am

    “Do yourself a favor. Put it away in a safe place.”

    What I FEEL like doing is melting it… into something else.

    Had to resist the urge not to throw it at him.

  314.  #314Mel on July 6, 2011 at 8:37 am

    And he asked me if I wanted HIS ring. Um…. nope. Ugh.

  315.  #315Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Butterfly Wings I;ve been thinking alot about what you said…and all morning I’ve been thinking about what I DO WANT…and it’s all that’s in my head, rather than seeing it as what I DON’T HAVE….

    I am grateful for you, and for this reframing.

    I’m also going to try riffing to shift the vibe in my monent…I kind of understand this concept more after Daria talked about it, when there is a yawn or a smile or a tear, it’s the vibe shifting.

  316.  #316Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 8:45 am

    306 @ Mel

    That must have been really hard. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

    I like Rusty’s advice of putting it away in a safe place. I feel that gives the situation hope while still being in the moment of what’s going on.

    Do you have support from friends/family locally?

    Hugs and warm thoughts to you,

  317.  #317Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 8:49 am

    RE 314 He might be feeling like the bad guy and trying to assuage his conscience somehow.

  318.  #318Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 8:53 am

    314: Mel says:

    And he asked me if I wanted HIS ring. Um…. nope. Ugh.


    Go back to him and tell him yes. Tell him that you want to put them both away together as a comfort thing.

    but here’s the thing. If they have any sort of matching style, they will be worth more together than separate. Don’t let any jeweler bamboozle you about that. And even more if the set has three rings including an engagement ring.

    Best way to go about selling would be on Ebay. Go to the jewelry shows and see what something similar costs, then put yours on Ebay or Craig’s List for about 2/3 of that price.

    It may not be much compensation but it is better than nothing for all the years you supported him.

    So go back to him, and in a soft voice, tell him you thought about it and you like the idea of keeping the rings together. If he asks why, just say for possible children in the future, and or the possibility that a few years down the road things may work out such that you two would want the rings.

    This is a time to be a thinker, not a feeler. 😉

  319.  #319Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 9:17 am

    Rusty, wondering about this in Mel’s case

    662: Letitshine says:

    Rusty, wow- 90% of women ask for divorce.. that is interesting.. don’t doubt the theory behind it either


    Actually, that should read, 90% of all divorces +or- a few points, are initiated by women.

    The reason is simple. Most men don’t see divorce as a ticket to a better life, or a solution to their problems. Mainly because they know it is going to bring a whole new set of problems. Child support, visitation, etc…

    They’ve seen and heard the horror stories of ex’s and the games they play with all of this, so they typically just put up with the BS and fight back until she decides she wants a divorce. Or they just put up with it and figure life is a B and then you die.

  320.  #320turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Sirens, I don’t know what is going on with me….but I’m so focused on the house and the potential move, my job, I could care LESS about meeting a guy. Is this because I’m literally so busy that I really don’t have time? Is it because I’m so overwhelmed with what my ex is doing for me, and the guys I meet barely want to pay for dinner? Am I giving up on romance? I don’t know what I’m even feeling anymore. I really feel confuzzled. (my word for cofused and puzzled.)

    Anyone else go through anything like this? Where your focus just completely shuts off?

  321.  #321Mel on July 6, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Thanks Turquoise!

  322.  #322turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 10:11 am

    And it’s been ON for a long time…. wanting to meet someone, lots of dating, online profiles, etc.

  323.  #323Lilybelle on July 6, 2011 at 10:13 am


    I just can’t help myself. And you know what, I am perfectly happy with my preferences. 🙂

    Just as they (men) may not find me attractive and that is okay too.

    It is a big requirement for me. And I really am okay with that.

    YAY me! 😉

  324.  #324Lilybelle on July 6, 2011 at 10:16 am


    I can honestly say I tried it to, even if it was by accident. The guy had a beautiful smile in all his photographs. Then, when we met….most of his front teeth were gone.


    We are, Sister, we are. 🙂

  325.  #325turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Lillybelle, good teeth is mandatory for me too. And I prefer a head full of hair, and clean cut. I don’t always get that, but the teeth are a must.

  326.  #326turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Is this when I will meet someone? When I’m feeling so OVER dating, that someone will show up and I won’t even care?

    I’m just shaking my head in wonder…. I don’t know what is going on with me. I don’t FEEL anything about dating right now. Tinque, what do you think? We talked about my feelings/not feelings before. Is this a protection thing? I’m done trying so I won’t get hurt? Or did I want a guy for financial reasons, so I could get a better house, and now I’ll have one without needing a new guy? I don’t know. I feel so confused though, lost in my own thoughts, feelings or lack of them.

  327.  #327Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 10:30 am

    319: Femininewoman says:

    Rusty, wondering about this in Mel’s case


    No, it definitely doesn’t apply in Mel’s case and for understandable reasons. No kids equals no child support. He is a lawyer and will start making good money soon, as he moves up. Lawyers are in a category like doctors, pilots, etc… that women see as a profession they can respect. Meaning he knows that he is going to have that in his corner as he searches for a new mate. In other words, he doesn’t feel desperate. He’s even tested the waters and knows he can find interest.

    So the truth is, this much more like him being a star athlete at his high school wanting to break up with one of the pretty girls he’s been dating.

    While they’ve been married for a good long while, they haven’t done anything that makes it complicated for him to leave. No kids is the biggest thing, but they also have little to no money and assets to divide.

  328.  #328Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 10:34 am

    BTW, I think Mel’s husband may be feeling a bit like a woman who has been married for several years, then finally gets motivated to get herself in shape. Suddenly the really hot guys that ignored her over the years are now taking notice. Thus she feels tied down by her husband who is holding her back from exploring this new found power over hot men.

    I’ve seen a few women do this to friends of mine. They go to the gym, get in shape, and end up falling for some “upgrade.”

    I might add however, it is confirmed in 3 of these cases that the woman got her just rewards when the hot guy didn’t keep her.

  329.  #329Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

    326: turquoise3 says:

    Lillybelle, good teeth is mandatory for me too. And I prefer a head full of hair, and clean cut. I don’t always get that, but the teeth are a must.


    LOL, I have neither. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bald, nor am I snaggle tooth, but my teeth aren’t perfect either and I am light on the top. LOL

    Hey, it’s no problem though. It never seemed to hold me back because I have enough going on for me everywhere else. And, like Lilybelle said, everyone has their preferences. If you set them too high, feedback, such as no guy that interests you, being interested in you, will or should eventually set you straight. Same for guys. Hold out for the perfect body and face and you might end up alone.

    I’ve seen guys start out that way. Insisting that they needed the woman to have certain things about her physically. Most eventually just settle down with a woman that is fairly pleasing to look at, but nowhere near perfect. It’s like going to the auto dealer with a laundry list of options you want. Sometimes price will keep some from you, sometimes availability. But eventually you find a car that has enough of what you want and at a price you can afford. Finding a mate isn’t much different.

  330.  #330Mel on July 6, 2011 at 10:42 am

    This sounds bitter and I probably don’t even really mean it… but I hope that he meets some super awesome girl that he falls head over heels for. I hope he supports he while she follows her dreams. Then I hope she dumps him for someone better.

    Yeah… I don’t really mean it. I do think he will eventually regret his choice though. And it might be too late by the time he does.

  331.  #331Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 10:47 am

    331: turquoise3 says:

    Rusty you sound bitter.


    No, not bitter, just realistic. And having been so many place in the Navy, I’ve met a lot of people and seen a lot of stuff go down. And I watched and paid attention.

    I don’t see either side as more good or evil. It’s just the way the laws are set up. When children are involved, most men understand that if a split happens, she walks with the kids and he walks lighter in the wallet. This is the reality for most working men where combined his and her incomes barely pay the bills with a little left over for entertainment.

    Most working class men I’ve known in this situation must move in with friends or family to avoid being homeless.

    This is where the “It’s cheaper to keep her,” line came from.

  332.  #332Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 10:57 am

    OH, but I do agree that Mel will almost assuredly get alimony. I can’t see a judge not giving it to her. Problem in the short term is that Mel says they don’t have much money. He’s not making a lot right now since he is just starting out. But Mel supported him while he went to school for a job that WILL pay good money.

    So if I were her, I would explore that with her lawyer. I would be less concerned with a lot of money up front and instead go for a longer term set percentage of his earning so that as he moves up, Mel gets more money. Not sure if that is possible but it might be. Something to bring up with her lawyer.

    So instead of alimony for 4 years, maybe alimony for 15 years with very little coming to her in the short term. Her stated reason for doing this would be that she understands that while he will be able to make a lot of money as a result of her support, he is new at the firm and thus not making much money. She doesn’t want to add a lot of pressure on him in the neat future that can hurt his ability to perform well in his job. So she is willing to set up an alimony schedule that is beneficial to them both. He gets less pressure in the short term, while she gets more money in the long run. Judges like to see that kind of willingness to be flexible, and NOT have an agenda of destruction. So I think the judge would be impressed and it would score her some points.

    I just thought of something else. where will this all go down? Mel may be able to get the venue moved to where they last lived. That may have been one reason he wanted to hold off for the summer. It might push the filing past the deadline to move it to the previous venue. I know this applies with custody cases but don’t know about regular divorces. I might still ask the lawyer if it is a good idea to move it to a new venue since her husband is a lawyer in that district.

  333.  #333tinque on July 6, 2011 at 11:01 am

    turqiouse – Seems to me you’re on overwhelm right now, so to have no feelings about dating is kind of normal, to be expected.

    And even if you didn’t have so much on your plate at the moment, you are not a robot. Your body has ebbs and flows, fluctuations, just like with your hormones which could very well be playing a part in this as well.

    Sometimes you feel more horny, sometimes less. Sometimes you feel more social, sometimes less. And so on.

    It’s okay. The wanting to day will return.


  334.  #334tinque on July 6, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Mel – It does get better. Even if this was something you wanted it would still hurt, so please give yourself a break and allow the feelings.

    As for the ring, what I did was keep them for awhile until I couldn’t stand having them around me. I tried having the stones remade into what ended up being the most spectacular bracelet I have ever seen, but the bad feeling energy still surrounded the stones, so I sold it. And I don’t regret having done so.

    All I can suggest it to not act hastily.


  335.  #335tinque on July 6, 2011 at 11:08 am

    turquose – Car accidents aren’t always about karma (carma lol). They can also act as wake up calls whatever this means to you. And sometimes s*it happens.


  336.  #336turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Thanks Tinque 🙂 You are right, I’m not a robot…. whew…. just going to let it go, focus on the move and big changes ahead. I’ll take it a day at a time.

  337.  #337turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Yeah Tinque, I know….but while all that was happening, he was a royal pain in my life, so bitter and angry, and he was the one who left me. So, it felt good to think the universe was getting him back a bit for me. 🙂

    He bought a brand new truck right before he filed and then complained to me about his $600 payment. Then, he bought a $26,000 Harley. And again, complained about money.

  338.  #338Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 11:18 am

    338: tinque says:

    Mel – It does get better. Even if this was something you wanted it would still hurt, so please give yourself a break and allow the feelings.


    100% true for me. I was wanting to leave, to go to Cali and get a reset, and reunite with my best friend, but the hurt was pretty intense. I credit that with why I am willing to work it out now.

    I think this is also true for my wife. I think we were both wanting to end it but we both also want to try and work it out. 13 years is a lot of investment to just throw away without trying.

  339.  #339tinque on July 6, 2011 at 11:36 am

    It’s never a throw away. I spent thirteen years too though I wanted out after the first year and certainly by the third year. There was no way I would stay once given a clear out.

    And even though I knew I wanted out so early on, I still grew hugely which paved the way for my one and only to show up, and he did in only two weeks.


  340.  #340turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Oh geez Tinque… I just got the car-ma joke. I thought you were correcting my spelling 🙂 LOL.

  341.  #341turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 11:40 am

    I do have to say, I’ve noticed something nice, but sort of strange. A high school friend of mine, not even really a friend, just a classmate… lives very close to my new house and he has gone out of his way to fill me in on info. offered to help me move, if I need anything, filling me in on local events coming up. He’s being really sweet. I’ve only seen him once in the last 19 years, and that was at a reunion and we barely spoke. We are on facebook now. As far as I know, he’s happily married…. so just sort of surprised he wants to help me out so much.

  342.  #342Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 11:41 am


    Moves are hard on people. I’ve made so many moves through my time in the Navy and the truth is, moving sucks, even when it is going to make your life better. It never gets better either. In fact, I am straight sick of moving. I do want to try to get into a position where I don’t have to move anymore. I’m not a very emotional person as a rule, and moves drain me emotionally so if you are a bit emotional, I could imagine that this move is affecting you. Stress is hard on you. A little is a good motivator, but too much is detrimental to your health.

    I hope you have some good people to help you move soon.

    If you have a moving company pack you and move you, I have a lot of experience with this.

    1. don’t pack anything irreplaceable or very valuable like jewelry or family heirlooms. Pack and moves these yourselves.

    Take high quality (many pixels per square inch) pictures of everything that will be moved. Get a newspaper the day before and have one person hold it up while you videotape it. Then have them videotape you taking pictures of everything.

    The next day when the movers show up, do this again. This time it is for show so that they see you doing it.

    The reason for this is multifaceted. The night before is so that you can get proof of the condition of your things at a pace that allows you to get it all. This is for battling the insurance company when something gets scratched up or broke.

    The show is for the movers because what they do is devalue everything you have. They pack it, then write on the paperwork what it is and the condition it is in. Except that they say it is in much worse condition than it really is. For instance, I bought two recliners on Black Friday. I knew I was scheduled to move soon and knew movers would be moving us to Sicily. So I left the recliners in the box for about a month and a half.

    Mid January when the movers show up, they tell me I MUST unpack them. They WILL NOT move them in manufacturer’s packaging. I argued about that but they insisted. So I did. Then I looked at the paperwork when I saw the person writing something on the condition. What did he write for condition of these two recliners that had just been removed from their packaging? “SOILED”!!!!

    I was livid and told them to get the heck out of my house. The Navy liaison showed up and smoothed things over.

    The way to fix this is with the video camera and high resolution camera. When they see you doing that, they will often stop. Ask them, with video camera rolling to see what they wrote for the condition of something. You want to do this with something that you know is in pristine condition. They WILL write that it has minor damage of some sort. So take the paper, read aloud what it says while the video is recording. Then ask them to show you this damage. They’ll likely balk. So take the video camera and scan the object, then have the video camera show you taking high quality close up. Declare right in front of the camera that this is proof that they are devaluing your belongings for insurance purposes and thus are not acting in good faith. I was told to use those words exactly…not acting in good faith.

    This will be very powerful stuff for negotiating with the insurance company. I have heard they will do about anything so long as you sing a non-disclosure agreement and give them all pictures and video. Of course you will only give that stuff over at the time you receive your money.

    I’ve also heard that simply getting the top insurance also helps in this since it is full replacement cost. no point in devaluing it.

    I learned a very expensive lesson with this. We brought back a 30,000 Italian dining room set with curved glass, carved wood and intricate wood inlays.

    The movers tortured the stuff. A guy stateside could fix it for $2,700 and we were given $700 to fix it.

  343.  #343turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Where are Lucy, SLV, FW, Loneplum, etc. We are missing some voices lately!

  344.  #344tinque on July 6, 2011 at 11:44 am

    turquoise – it’s so hard spelling that, my fingers get all tangled. haha, yes carma. struck me as funny and ironic. and you first thought I was correcting your spelling. that’s very funny.


  345.  #345Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I love my streaming music!

    I’m sitting in the school library studying, posting her occasionally, and listening to music. Listening to “Far Behind” by Candlebox.

    I get funny looks and lot’s of smiles when they see me getting into a song.


    It’s fun being the class clown again. HAHA

  346.  #346turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Thanks Rusty,
    I’m a pretty seasoned mover myself from my time being married to a military guy, so I remember doing all that, with the photos, videos, etc. So stressful. I’m only moving 10 miles this time, so I’m having family and friends move me. We’ll probably do it over a few day span, big stuff one day, small stuff multiple days. I’m getting rid of a lot though, it’s a forced declutteration, and I’m looking forward to it! 🙂

    It is very stressful to think about, and I have so much to do, but also want to enjoy my summer. AHHHH!!!

  347.  #347Mel on July 6, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I guess what’s so upsetting for me now is I don’t know what the ____ I want to do with my life now. The thought of living in my mom’s basement and being “mothered” constantly makes me feel seriously ill. Besides, if I move back “home” I will have to quit the perfectly good job I have now for no guarantee of finding another one anytime soon.

    But if I stay here, i have absolutely no emotional support. I would be completely alone. I would only likely be able to afford to live with a roommate (which I’m not feeling too keen on) and while I could keep my job, I’m not really sure I would be happy.

    I’ve thought of “running away” so to speak. teaching overseas or something. It’s expensive to get set-up initially though (flight, apartment deposit etc) and I’m likely too late to get a job for September. I’d like to teach in England or Ireland as I have Irish citizenship, but in order to bring my beloved doggies I would need 6 months minimum to get their “pet passports” in order.

    So I’m feeling kinda stuck because none of the “practical” options seem particularly appealing and working abroad (which might actually make me somewhat happy to do) isn’t looking like it’s viable.

    I just don’t know what to do with myself!

  348.  #348Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Rule of thumb is if you haven’t touched it in two years, you don’t need it and likely are keeping it for emotional reasons. 😉

  349.  #349Letitshine on July 6, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Okay.. I feel silly.. I’m not even married to this guy.. and I am so sad , sad, sad.. I can’t get out of this damn funk… I cried.. I just feel unmotivated.. why do I let some guy who maybe thinks its okay to delete me out of his phone mess with me like this.. I don’t know.. I don’t know.. I just keep focusing ..yep obsessing.. on the “It has been very difficult for me to be cut off from you so abrubtly..” WTF.. really?? Well it hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake for me either.. sometimes i want to send that message so he knows how bad I really feel.. I am not strong right now or don’t feel strong..I know I deserve better and I know someday there will be someone but right now I feel so sad, sad, sad and just can’t seem to get out of the soup.. Help! nothing is working..no out the window.. nothing…

  350.  #350Nikita on July 6, 2011 at 11:59 am

    I like a hot boy 🙂

  351.  #351Nikita on July 6, 2011 at 12:08 pm


    Holy shit! Royal Caribbean is charging 200$?

    I would go! That ship is gorgeous….I’d say you’re possible downside is a stateroom with no window…but food is included…..not the fancy restaurants -but the basic yummy fresh fruit and meat etc. Beers were 3$ I think? I cruised with them and loved every minute(I had a room with a window tho) but the deck is so amazing most people are eager to explore the ship…. I’d do it-maybe it’s so cheap bcuz it’s summer too…..I cruised in feb.

  352.  #352Ice Princess on July 6, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Letitshine, You are doing so well. You know that relationship is not good for you and you are doing your best not to respond to it. It is so hard to not pick up the phone and you should be proud of your self at least for not doing that. Baby steps will get you there…small painful ones.

  353.  #353turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Letitshine, I’m sorry you are hurting,…. I know what that feels like. We all do. Sometimes I know I felt like I was grieving more for what I wanted it to be, or what I’d hoped it would be, than what it actually was. It can be hard to disconnect that…. to realize that you may not be so upset about the guy, but the situation, where you are at in life, etc.

    The best “revenge” you can give, is to go on with your life, choose things that make you happy…. and the next time he contacts you because he’s not strong enough not to, your reply could be something like, “Oh hi, things here are great and I’m surprised how easy it’s been to get over you.”

    I know someone who did this to her ex fiance two weeks after he called off their wedding when he called to see how she was…. it killed him. He sulked for two months, begged her to get back with him. They did, are now married with 2 kids, the house, etc. Be strong. Everything will be ok.

  354.  #354FlowerChild77 on July 6, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    >>>”13 years is a lot of investment to just throw away without trying.<<<"

    This is how I feel and why it's hard for me to just let this go. I did leave…but if there's any chance at all, I want to try. I know we are not married so it's not quite the same, but it's still a long time.

    He says he doesn't feel right asking me to come back home until he knows whether he'll be able to keep the house and take care of me.

    I'm not sure if this is because he's "the man" and a very traditional one, at that. Orrrrrrrr……..because if I 'help' he won't want to feel obligated to share ownership of the house, etc. Rusty—do you have any thoughts on this?

    Two such different interpretations of his answer. One makes me melt and the other one makes me feel like an ass.

    I've decided to carry on as though he doesn't exist. I can't even tell you how hard this will be. I don't mean no contact–if he calls I will answer, but I'm not going to talk about this anymore or bring it up again. I said what I didn't want–I used my FM's and he's finally given me his vague response. Ok, fine. I can take a hint. :-/

    I'm working on tapping my way out of this pain. I still don't feel a whole lot different, but I know nothing works instantly. I am very down on myself and feel hopeless, but I am passing on the idea of taking any anti-depressants. I know I need to FEEL this or it's never going to go away. I'll just be postponing the pain and fear.

    Rosa–I am reading and re-reading your latest posts. They are very inspiring and seem to say exactly what I need to hear right now. You are so smart.

    I'm having a hard time imagining ANY man being interested in me. It's been so many years since I've even thought about other men. I don't feel much interested in the idea of another man, either. Par for the course, I suppose….but scary. I've made so many mistakes and poor decisions and time and gravity are hard at work–no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of the thought, "WHO on earth would want ME?"

    I know this is not a good thought and I try to hit the 'delete' button in my brain when it starts (or Rosa's Stop Sign) and start a different thought. Baby steps…

  355.  #355turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Mel, I know starting over is scary, and it feels like taking a step backwards. I moved home, back to my hometown. I had my own place after about 6 or 7 weeks, and that helped dramatically. But, I also had kids and they were underfoot at my mom’s and I just didn’t feel like I could relax. It was very hard to go through something so painful without my own space, but having emotional support, being in a new surrounding, meeting new people, all helped a lot. It’s only early July, you could still get an overseas position if you applied quickly. If you start looking for jobs now, you may have some interviews lined up by the time you get home. Remember that any choices you make don’t have to be permanant. It’s just for now. You can always change things like where you live and work. 🙂

  356.  #356Femininewoman on July 6, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    RE 347 Turquoise

    Busy Busy Busy

    RE 353 Letitshine I have learnt to say blah blah blah when I start obsessing.

  357.  #357turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 12:44 pm


    Awww….. I’m sorry you are feeling so low. We all have those days. Do something good for yourself, play up your best features… get a manicure, pick up a pretty new top in a nice color, go get a fresh haircut. All those things make me feel better. I need to lose at least 30 pounds to feel good about my body again, but I’ve lost a few, I’m very aware, working on my diet, getting more exercise, it will happen. But, that doesn’t mean that until I lose that weight, that I’m fat and frumpy and no one would ever want me. Don’t be so hard on yourself!



  358.  #358turquoise3 on July 6, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Oh shoot…lol, I’ve been trying to remain more anonymous on here, and I wrote my name! lol. Habit!

  359.  #359Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    355: Nikita says:


    Holy shit! Royal Caribbean is charging 200$?

    I would go! That ship is gorgeous….I’d say you’re possible downside is a stateroom with no window…but food is included…..not the fancy restaurants -but the basic yummy fresh fruit and meat etc. Beers were 3$ I think? I cruised with them and loved every minute(I had a room with a window tho) but the deck is so amazing most people are eager to explore the ship…. I’d do it-maybe it’s so cheap bcuz it’s summer too…..I cruised in feb.


    If it is only a small price upgrade for the window, I could do that, but one I looked at was $100 extra for a room with a view of the ocean. Sorry, I’ve seen the ocean. I have no problem taking an interior stateroom if it is far cheaper. You take the extra money and have more fun in port, or on the ship.

    besides, I never had a window to the outside on any ship I was stationed on, so it really is no bog deal to me. If I want to see the water, I can go on deck like I did for 20 years.

    Now what would be cool is if I could roll 20 years of experiences and allow my wife and daughter to see them all in one 7 day cruise.

    I’ve seen water spouts, whales, sharks, sharks in a feeding frenzy on a dead whale carcase, dolphins feeding on a school of fish, sea snakes, flying fish by the boatload, Orcas, all manner of ships on the high seas, I even saw the water so calm it appeared to be flat as glass and at the same time, the sky was an odd mix of pastels (pink purple blue gray and a touch of light red). It was mirrored so well it was very hard to distinguish sea from sky.

    On a sunny day I learned that looking toward the sun produced a gray sea but looking away from the sun produced a beautiful blue sea. I’ve seen hurricanes, and waves higher than the flightdeck. Pretty impressive when waves crash over the bow of an aircraft carrier. I think my wife would take a pass on that experience.

    If you are inside the ship and start to get seasick, hang something that will swing, like a necklace, belt, anything of that sort. Often the nausea is caused by a confusion in your brain. Your equilibrium is telling you that you are moving while you eyes say no. If you can see things swing with the movement if the ship, it ends the confusion.

    I learned to imagine the water outside and the way the ship was moving in it. This ends the nausea, if you can do it.

  360.  #360Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    362: turquoise3 says:

    Oh shoot…lol, I’ve been trying to remain more anonymous on here, and I wrote my name! lol. Habit!


    It’s a pretty name. 🙂

  361.  #361Rusty on July 6, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    358: FlowerChild77

    Rusty—do you have any thoughts on this?


    That could be a large part of it. After all of this, I can say it gives me a different perspective. I am still young enough to start over. But what if I were 58, 65, 73, or even older. I would not want to share ownership of my house. Why? Because if things go south, I still have my house. A king can’t feel safe without his castle.

    I absolutely do not condone men, OR women who kill their spouse or ex, but I do believe that a lot of normally good people get pushed over the edge when they perceive that everything they worked for all their life has been taken away from the.

    Imagine a guy who built his own house, or put a lot into it over 15 years, then one day his wife has him forcibly removed by the cops.

    I know the courts do try to be more fair these days but it is hard for them to be fair when things like this occur, and especially when kids are involved. The courts care most about the kids, women tend to get the kids, so by default women do tend to come out with the better end of the deal.

    Makes for sappy country songs…what was the name of that one where the guy is singing about the fact that his life is now owned by another man.

    Most of the guys I know that this happened to did not cheat, it was her who cheated, met somebody new and so she got a divorce. Kept the house because of the kids, gets child support, got to keep the best of the two cars, regardless of which one was hers before the divorce, etc.. Then after an “appropriate” amount of time, the new man moved in.

    It’s very different if the guy makes a lot of money. He will take a hit in lifestyle, to an extent, but he can still live respectably. For some, like O.J., that wasn’t good enough.

    I wouldn’t doubt that he has some concern about doing anything that allows you to make a claim against the house. He might be over-worried though since a small contribution, even over a year or two could be paid back in a manner that relieves him of that worry.

  362.  #362tinque on July 6, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Announcement – My newly redesigned site is now LIVE!!! YAY!!!


  363.  #363flower on July 6, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    just read about guys and certain model of cars…so true ..so the one i like is gay yeah and then hes gonna be kryptogay cos he wants to upgrade car make …its written by a guy also so he must know

    my monday “date” (as i dont date as date) turned into rubbish , i didnt like him at first but wanted to be open but im gonna trust first impression and feeling from now on..no more time to waste even if it means im not open as to rori standard

    but maybe miracles happen as im starting to meet celeb actors form my country on fb and its small world there 🙂

  364.  #364LobbyStar on July 6, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I still haven’t heard from the guy I slept with on Friday since Monday. But what is remarkable is that I am totally cool about it! I felt disappointed for a bit, but now I just feel like I don’t want to waste my time and energy on feeling bad about myself because of him.

    I don’t need him.

    And sure enough, when I let him go, another man emailed, and one messaged me last night who seems interesting, and another messaged me today and asked me out (after telling me I’m hot and gorgeous)! My ego is very happy!

    I don’t need HIM. I have lots of other men, and overall, the quality has improved!

    I LOVE ME!!

  365.  #365FlowerChild77 on July 6, 2011 at 4:01 pm


    We were together when he bought the house. It is technically “his” house, although I have put in considerable ‘sweat equity’ over the years (and paid for things so he could save up the down-payment on time); and I did pay my fair share (minus the 18 months I was sick and he took care of everything.) We gutted the entire second floor (carried the lathe and plaster down the stairs in 5 gallon buckets.) I helped him frame it; hang, finish and paint the walls up and down. And did/do a lot of the landscaping and gardening, etc. (I realize this is nothing compared to paying the mortgage every month for 15 years–but it explains how and why I am ‘invested’ in my own way.)

    I loved every minute of it and I don’t regret one thing. I always thought we would get old together. I do notice, very much, how he’s let things go since I left. He was always good about fixing and making sure everything was taken care of. Now, it’s very sloppy (dude-house.)

    I’ve already asked the Sirens about this awhile ago, but I’m interested in your opinion as a man, Rusty 🙂 (And I’m happy to hear you and your wife are going to try and make it work!)

    So, do you think it’s wrong of me to think/want to feel concerned for my own future in regard to the house, etc.? I would NEVER EVER kick him out or fight him for it or anything like that. I’m not trying to take anything from him. I am only concerned about where I’ll stand when he passes away. We are both quite sure I will outlive him and I’m not willing to be kicked out and have to start all over at that time.

    I wish I’d known about Rori before–I might not have left. Last Thanksgiving he was talking about re-committing/getting back together. My mother got sick the next day and I was gone most of the winter (he called me every day and he helped me….but we didn’t talk about us..too much going on then.)

    I love him and I love myself when I’m with him—and when I think of myself with him. He loves me for who I am. He accepts my faults. He thinks I’m beautiful.

    I don’t know why I can’t, maybe, see what he sees when he looks at me or what he sees in me as a person. I can’t imagine another man ever feeling this way about me….or me feeling this way around another man.

    Part of it is that I was not considered when my own mother died. (She left me ‘jobs’ to do for her estate, and an ‘I-hate-you’ letter, but no inheritance whatsoever.) This triggers me big time to not want to feel that way ever again.

    Thank you, Sirens, for being patient with me. And thank you, Rusty for your ‘man’ opinion.

  366.  #366Lilybelle on July 6, 2011 at 4:09 pm


    I’ve met them all…bald, short, overweight…I honestly have over the years but I have to draw the line at no damn teefs. Seriously, how can I expect my neck to get nibbled on if he ain’t havin no teef???

  367.  #367Lilybelle on July 6, 2011 at 4:15 pm


    You just have to have some teeth. 😉

    Hey RMan~

    I am diggin your vibe…sounds like you are feeling better these days. I haven’t read all of you yet but from what I have read, you are sounding good.

    I still think you should buy that Harley you’ve been thinking about. Just my two pennies.

  368.  #368FlowerChild77 on July 6, 2011 at 4:15 pm


    I right-clicked on your name and it took me to page where it says ‘SexandHeart’ is under construction. Is there a new link? 🙂

  369.  #369FlowerChild77 on July 6, 2011 at 4:18 pm


    I meant ‘scheduled maintenance’ not construction. It’s in maintenance mode… 🙁

  370.  #370Lilybelle on July 6, 2011 at 4:25 pm


    I am so excited for you and your new home. YAY!!

    Now, I know you know this but just one day at a time, one step at a time with the packing and moving thingy.

    When I was getting ready to move..(love my new pad 🙂 ) I was a mess, stressed and worried. What a waste of time that was. Of course, I am done but really… it was a flawless move.

    So, SO excited for you and the girls.

    Okay~New CD tonight. Moved me from email to phone to meeting tonight for a Harley ride. I like it when they do that. Yes sir, get assertive a little bit with me, dudes. Tell me where we are going, when you are picking me up and I’m in. IF you have teeth. 😉

  371.  #371tinque on July 6, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Flowerchild – I just tried it, and it’s working just fine. Please try again.


  372.  #372Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Hi everyone. Where’s SLV???

    I feel a little better now.

  373.  #373tinque on July 6, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    I’m baffled Flowerchild. When I left or right click, it goes to the new site. Try typing into your url http:// sexandheart.com, and please let me know.


  374.  #374tinque on July 6, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Flowerchild – I was told to try clearing your browsers cache. It stores all addresses visited, so it has the old coding.


  375.  #375FlowerChild77 on July 6, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Tinque–I was trying http://www.sexandheart.com–I used the http and it worked on mozilla and IE9 🙂

  376.  #376Letitshine on July 6, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Well I feel somewhat..tiny..bit better. At least I took my kids to the pool.. Yeah me!

    Still funked out though. Maybe if I post what message I would send here and then print it and burn it..will that help?

    I think also, finding the time to CD is nearly impossible right now.. I just don’t have the energy..I barely can keep up with 2 kids under 7, working 40 hrs a week..I do okay but dating him and a couple others (at least at the beginning) definitely put me behind a lot. Maybe that’s an excuse.. I flirt. and it’s not about no one else being out there like him.. well maybe a little.. but I feel better being sad than not..Idon’t want to feel stuck..that is a form of holding on and I don’t want that, I need to be patient with myself..ugghh.

    My to be burned message:

    “I feel very sad re-reading your message..I don’t want to tell you what to do..that feels icky..but maybe you r right. I hear you. I accept that. I don’t know what else to do. I want to understand..I just feel confused how being friends is healthy for me..I fear Ill just end up more sad than glad. I’m afraid I’ll feel more like a back up plan and I don’t want to feel that way. take care xxx.”

    I’m not sure what the point of sending it would be.. maybe just to know I expressed my feelings and nothing more.. or maybe it’s that closure thing that we are not suppose to need?? either way.. i feel like I’m trying still..that is the issue. I just know he obviously still feels something but maybe he is right.. we are just not a good fit.. he’s convinced himself of that for some unknown reason..issues he hasn’t resolved..and why would I want that.. I still keep thinking he’ll change his mind but not even sure I would take him back without a discussion..oh yeah that will go over well. he’ll just think I’m trying to control him..foooey.. I am stuck aren’t i damn.. I want to go back to feeling angry..I felt I had more control.Oh I sound pitiful..this is BS.. oh yeah patience patience patience. I am beginning to tell myself..never again, never become invested again and protect, protect, protect..I don’t want to go there.. I want to be open..

  377.  #377Butterfly wings on July 6, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    #315 & 376 – Emerson I’m so glad you’re feeling better! If I’m feeling really low it requires a lot of conscious effort to switch my focus, and to be honest, sometimes I get some kind of “satisfaction” from wallowing in self pity so I need to put even more effort!

    I’m at my desk at work right now and I have taped to my monitor a list of the top 5 things I want in my life. I also have this list in my purse, in my car on the dash, next to my bed and taped to the mirror in my bathroom.

    So when I’m feeling down (and also when I feel great!) I read this list and I boost my vibe even more. Love it!!

    I’m reading The Passion Test by Chris & Janet Attwod and found the following saying: “When you are clear, what you want will show up in your life, and only to the extent that you are clear.” So I suppose that’s telling us that we need to work out what we want first before we can have it!


  378.  #378Emerson on July 6, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    385 @ BW
    “I’m reading The Passion Test by Chris & Janet Attwod and found the following saying: “When you are clear, what you want will show up in your life, and only to the extent that you are clear.”

    Wow I like this, thank you for sharing this and for your reply. I really enjoyed what you had to say and it was comforting.

  379.  #379Senior Lady Vibe on July 6, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    “…149: Emerson says:
    And I can practice feeling messages on him! What do you think sirens (and Rusty?)…:

    Oh, why not? Since you don’t want a relationship and it’s dead and it won’t be rising out of the grave.

    I am watching the preview of a horror movie.

    …And it’s kind of titillating to behold. So I feel a little guilty. (is that at feeling thingamajiggy?)

    Since things would unfold as they usually do on the blog I’ll dump the guilt and call it research. I doubt anyone would mind that?

    Willl it matter if I don’t delete this one? hmmmm

  380.  #380Senior Lady Vibe on July 6, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    I love judgment.
    I love judgment.
    I love judgment.
    I love judgment.
    I love judgment.
    I love judgment.
    I love judgment.

    I love judgemental too.


  381.  #381Senior Lady Vibe on July 7, 2011 at 12:20 am

    he’s bitter and evil.

  382.  #382Senior Lady Vibe on July 7, 2011 at 12:45 am

    @369: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…I would NEVER EVER kick him out or fight him for it or anything like that. I’m not trying to take anything from him….”

    This will not happen if you do not own the house. If Rusty is telling you that you do, I believe he tried that once before, please do not listen to him. I suspect you will and it’s sad to read this happen. Seek legal advice instead if it’s important to you.

    My seven year old said a few months ago “females are gullible.” I was annoyed and it didn’t help much when his two years older sister asked in a tiny voice… “what’s gullible?”…

    So sad when the couple talking is all grown up.


  383.  #383Senior Lady Vibe on July 7, 2011 at 12:53 am

    @376: Emerson says:
    “…Hi everyone. Where’s SLV???
    I feel a little better now…”

    Oh, I’m here by myself like a little nut cake. I’m on an old thread too….

    I hope you are feeling better. At some point in your future you might ask yourself… “what was I thinking? Best years of my life… and I wasted time mooning about…”

    Actually whatever year you find yourself alive in, is your best year. You are here, in the now enjoying it, and life offers hope and possibility.

    BTW, If you want a child, you can have one. I believe I have mentioned this before… Prince Charming can catch up with you later if need be.


  384.  #384Senior Lady Vibe on July 7, 2011 at 1:02 am

    @381: Butterfly wings says:
    “…I’m at my desk at work right now and I have taped to my monitor a list of the top 5 things I want in my life. I also have this list in my purse, in my car on the dash, next to my bed and taped to the mirror in my bathroom….”

    Most excellent! I’m going to steal your “tool” then tweak it a bit and make it mine. Hah! Thank you! This is wonderful magic. The magic of clear intentions. I hope you soon receive everything on your list!


  385.  #385Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 4:12 am

    Hi Turquoise! I feel happy to see you asking about me. 🙂 I’ve been busy with 1) the wonderful man who showed up out of nowhere after I lost interest in dating and had given up looking, and 2) my ex-h who invited me on a fabulous vacation with him and our kids (and paid for everything and gave me massages and great compliments)! I have experienced amazing success with FM’s with my ex-h, just like you described with yours. (And the new man is beautifully responsive to FM’s as well, and adores me.)

  386.  #386Lucy on July 8, 2011 at 4:15 am

    And I feel so happy that your ex-h bought you a nice big house! <3

  387.  #387shannon on July 8, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    i meet my boyfriend trough a giy friend we both were complaning to him about how be both wanted to be in relashionship and that we felt lonly.! we started hanging out in the library and i got to know him a little this was last year this year he asked if i wanted to go to a consert at the cahnce i said sure and that night he asked me to be his girlfriend. and every thing has bine smoth sailing. but latly i bine felling a little two much in love with him he hangs out when he can and i think he mite be adicted teo sex every time he comes over thats all he want to do hes a 17 year old bot i know thats all thay think of but i want to go out on more dates and go see movies .can u help me out with this and it will be a year on new years eve. we bine dateing or anvery comeing up and his birthday is in the same month 1 year anversry to be corect and im graduateing this next school year and going away to college and its a 3 hour drive i love him and whant this relashionship to last not like the other ones i have had this one is going well. can you help me stay with him i want to grow old with him he wants kid i do two everyone of are friends say were perfect for ech other and uor astroloic signs or compatable .

  388.  #388Brenda on July 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm


  389.  #389Brenda on July 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm


    RE: #152 – LOLOLOLOL! I had no idea my voice recognition typo would be such a hit!

    New life = New name!

    Welcome, “Nini”!

    Love, Brenda