Change Your Words And Change Your Love Life

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Words – just like my Choose Your Words line in my Rori Raye Mantra – work.

Changing our old patterns of the way we feel, what we think and the way we ARE with men can start so easily with saying the right WORDS.

But that can’t be ALL of it – just changing things on the outside won’t take you as far into love and connection as you want to go.

It’s a terrific start – changing your words and body language can change everything.

So much of my work (if you have my eBook and heart Connection Toolkit you know how important this is and have seen how fast things can turn around just with changes in words and body language) is about simply changing our words and body language (and just STOPPING doing things like reaching out and calling him).

The words are an OUTER GAME thing.

There’s a big difference between “Faking it till you make it” – which is good – and PRETENDING – which works AGAINST YOU.

Faking it til you make it – or acting as if – comes from a deep place. It’s an intention you set to change your attitude, to get to work and clean house on your INSIDES.

It’s saying – I’m a Work in Progress, here, and I’m moving in the right direction for myself, so this new behavior I’m doing is a placeholder for me to feel this GOOD inside and out – all the way through.

You’re saying “This is just a preview, wait til the real thing catches up – you’ll be a sorry man if you miss this.”

Acting As If says – “I love me, and so I’m behaving on the outside the way I intend to feel on the inside, and if you’re not careful, you’re going to miss your chance to love me, too.”

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1LonePlum on December 30, 2010 at 8:05 am

    ***Unconditional Love***
    By Kimberly Dawn Neumann
    If you really love someone, you love them no matter what right?
    While most of us would probably answer off the top of our heads that true love should be completely unconditional, when you really analyze this issue, the reality is that
    Without conditions, you will likely find yourself in a relational free fall as well as an emotional free-for-all.

    With that in mind, we decided to delve further into this issue in order to ascertain how you can love with all your heart while still keeping your head.

    ***How Love Blinds You***
    Ever looked back on a past relationship and wondered “Wow, how did I NOT see those red flags?”
    Well, cut yourself a little slack because there may actually be a biological force in play as well as your emotions.
    Scientists at University College London reported in the journal NeuroImage that romantic love actually suppresses the brain waves associated with critical social assessment of other people and negative emotions.

    In other words, once you get close to a person (i.e. you’re falling hook, line and sinker) your brain has a reduced need to assess their character and to harbor negative emotions towards them.
    Yup…you read that correctly. You can be literally blinded by love.

    “The suppression of neural activity in areas involving critical thinking and judgment suggests that love is not only blind, but also stupid,”
    says Dr. Karin Anderson, Associate Professor of Psychology and Counselor Education, Concordia University Chicago and author of It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet (Clifton Hills Press, 2010).
    “This biological reality compounded by strong societal pressure to couple may lead us to forge romantic partnerships that lack requisite qualities of compatibility in lifestyle and goals.” 

    In other words, we “force it” just to have somebody around or to not be the person to whom everyone says “Why are you still single?”
    The problem here is that blind and stupid love may lead a person to be unwilling or unable to see the realities of their partner.
    This can oftentimes be a set up for getting blindsided later on in the relationship.

    “I hear all too often people say
    ‘I never thought this would happen to me’
    ‘I never thought they could do that to me,’”
    says Dr. Ish Major, a psychiatrist and author of Little White Whys: A Woman’s Guide Through the Lies Men Tell and Why (iUniverse, 2009).
    “If we do a little homework we usually find that the warning signs were there but simply missed or overlooked. It’s never a safe idea to get so busy loving unconditionally to the point you overlook patterns of behavior that could lead you towards a dangerous end.”

    ***The Definition of Unconditional***
    When people speak of unconditional love it implies love without bounds, limits, or reason.  
    A love that is today what it will be tomorrow regardless of any circumstances.
    A love forged of unbreakable bonds which will remain despite the lack of any reward.
    “Typically, this term is reserved for people speaking of the love shared between family members or the pillars of their faith,”
    says Dr. Major.
    “Your mother will always be your mother. Your sister will always be your sister. You may fight like cats and dogs but the basic bond and basic love will never be changed. “

    However, when this concept is applied to romantic love, things get a little murkier.
    => => “Expecting or granting unconditional love in romantic relationships poses real hazards to individual emotional health,”
    says Dr. Anderson.

    If the love is truly without conditions then forgiveness for any and all transgressions or slights is expected at all times without question.
    By this definition you are in effect saying you will be able to tolerate whatever happens no matter what they do because you love them.
    “The idea of unconditional love sets the expectation for complete forgiveness but what I don’t hear people talk about in this situation is the idea of forgetting,”
    says Dr. Major.
    “People remember significant events in their lives and towards that end we tend to remember quite vividly every time we are ever hurt; physically and emotionally.
    Our minds remember these events in the hopes of being able to avoid them from happening again.
    So the question now becomes where does the memory of that pain go?”
    It may be less about loving unconditionally than about discovering your personal threshold for forgiveness. 

    => => ***Why Healthy Love Has Conditions***
    “From working with and meeting thousands of couples in my mediation practice, I know that love is C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-A-L,”
    says Laurie Puhn, J.D. author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In (Rodale, Oct. 12 2010). 


    => => ***Puhn says that in order for a mature love to survive and thrive, five essential conditions that every human need and want must be met: APPRECIATION, RESPECT, COMPASSION, TRUST, AND COMPANIONSHIP. ***
    => => ***“If any condition is compromised by lies, neglect, rudeness, unnecessary criticism, stubbornness or secrets, for example, then the love is no longer grounded,” says Puhn.***
    “While it’s nice to know there will be love and forgiveness no matter what, we need to know our partner cares enough to get upset if we cross the line –
    We need to know our partner has enough self-respect to have limits and that if a limit is crossed there will be negative consequences,”
    says Dr. Major.
    “Oftentimes I see couples lose respect for each other when these boundaries aren’t established.
    If you don’t set these clear boundaries it can be an unspoken invitation for your partner to walk all over you…not unlike a doormat. “

    Truly unconditional love to the point of overlooking personal slights and infringements upon one’s wellbeing can be dangerous.  
    “Unconditional romantic love is always unhealthy…to say, ‘I love you regardless of what you do or say to me’ is absurd,”
    says Dr. Anderson.

    => => ***“Not only is it unhealthy for the one giving love unconditionally but it’s also unhealthy for the one receiving unconditional love. 
    => => ***It creates a false ideology i.e. ‘Love means being completely selfish, putting my own needs and desires above my partner’s at all times.’” 
    => => ***In a relationship such as this, receivers of unconditional love experience stagnation of personal growth and development in that their narcissistic egocentrism is reinforced. ***

    “The key thing to remember here is that love, unconditional or otherwise isn’t supposed to hurt,”
    says Dr. Major.
    “Remember that you deserve to be happy too.
    So in the face of hurtful things happening to you in a relationship I don’t question the idea that people can choose to love unconditionally; the more important question for them becomes WHY WOULD YOU?”

    ***How to Love with Abandon AND Boundaries***
    “While initial love does blind us to our mate’s flaws, over time, the reverse happens – we eventually come to expect and overlook the good while we focus on and bemoan the bad,”
    says Puhn. 
    “The goal in a healthy relationship is to live in the middle zone in which we recognize both, but choose to spend most of our energies verbally recognizing the good, and we only bring up the flaws that affect us, and we discuss them in a constructive and helpful way.”  

    Puhn suggests couples be alert to the little moments when they can breathe life into their relationship with simple comments like, “Thank you for getting me that glass of soda,” and “I’m going to bed now, just want to say good night.”

    For most of us, romantic love means being in a relationship that is mutually rewarding, pleasurable and beneficial.
    If anything ever happens in that relationship to change these conditions, that romantic love can and oftentimes does fade. 
    “Typically when couples speak of ‘unconditional love’ it is with the unspoken understanding that certain criteria will always be met -that is no one cheats, no one lies, no one steals, no one abuses the other,”
    says Dr. Major.
    “Depending on who you are, you may not need all of these criteria to be met in order to proclaim your ‘unconditional love’ for another; you may only need one or two of them to be satisfied.
    It’s different for everyone depending on your temperament and your romantic history or reference point.”

    As long as those basic understandings are being met the couple will love each other ‘unconditionally’ within those confines.
    It’s only when those basic understandings fail to be met does the rationality and logic of “unconditional love” begin to be challenged.

    Perhaps what we’re seeing here is that it might help to reframe the idea of “unconditional romantic love” in more moderate terms.
    The concept may be more attainable if we view it as a love that endures despite unfavorable circumstances.
    In this case, you would NOT be asking yourself or a partner
    but instead to look at it as a glue that will help you work through obstacles or strive to find compromises while respecting each other’s limits and boundaries.
    With that definition, then you can truly feel free to love with all your heart.


  2.  #2Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 8:15 am

    It feels good reading this post Rori 🙂

    Thank u

    Warm hugs,

  3.  #3Femininewoman on December 30, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Rori thanks again and also to Loneplum for this information.

  4.  #4Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 8:45 am

    I forgot to subscribe…

  5.  #5Brenda on December 30, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Hello. I like words. Words have the power to create or destroy. Words have the power to bless or curse.

    I like to speak words of life, beauty, and love.

  6.  #6Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 11:34 am

    knocksoftly…that is crazy…two months later…I dont even know what to say right now…I just want to give you a big hug and say WOW…so he changed his number and then said it worries him when he doesnt hear from you for so long??

    when I read that it feels manipulating to me…

    I feel sad that this happens..
    I feel hurt
    I feel abandoned
    I feel scared
    I feel all alone
    I feel like I’m falling..falling falling and no one can stop me from going out of control
    I feel ANGRY
    I feel hopeless

    these stories trigger me the far as feeling fear and anxiety and sadness…

    My worst fear is ending up pregnant with a man and him not “manning up” or not wanting to be with me and “our” baby…

    I feel nervous that this could happen with sexy pipeliner man…no matter how “safe” we are…


  7.  #7Daria on December 30, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Knocksoftly – I myself would not feel surprised…

    I know that men respond to distance… and that after they withdraw from an argument they come back with love

    so he is now cleared most of that negative argument energy you guys had and found his compassion

    that doesn’t mean that I would feel good…

    I would continue practicing being authentic

    as you said BIG LIE is what you told him – well not really because it’s true, you all Are ok –

    however it must make you feel bad and lower your self esteem to not share your deep feelings…

    so i would share that too…

    if he contacts you again…

    “i feel so glad to be in contact and I’m stilll feeling so angry and vulnerable from the past… what do you think?”

    The way to build relationship is to start each moment fresh… most men do this well (he seems like he is)

    so now to do your part you communicate authentically and non blamingly

    assume no ill-intent from him even if it SEEMS that way

    and share

    i’ve been in situations when i had to share stuff that felt awkward … my thoughts were… YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING… I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS!… but it doesn’t matter… because thoughts are NOT where I want to be at…

    and even tho someone may know something on some level, it doesn’t necessarily translate across their entire being

    so i’ve had to share stuff like

    “I don’t feel comfortable when a man initiates sex when we haven’t kissed !”

    yes I’d think this is a DUH but it came up wiht MORE THAN ONE MORE THAN TWO MORE THAN THREE guys… it just kept coming up for me to get the message and practice that I don’t have to assume they know what I know and… that if I feel awkward about sharing … doesn’t mean don’t share

  8.  #8Dorothea on December 30, 2010 at 11:56 am

    This post was delicious. Thank you, Miss Rori Raye. Yum!

    I love NY’s and I love resolutions. It feels thrilling to me. So I have been spending a lot of time thinking about resolutions and how there are so many things about my lifestyle i would like to change and improve, such as exercising regularly, keeping my house clean, losing weight, quitting smoking, you name it.

    I only wanted to pick one or two to really focus on achieving as resolutions, but I just couldn’t pick. Then the perfect resolution came to me! To stop talking negatively about other people behind their backs and gossiping.

    What if I were angry with someone and I didn’t tell my friends about it? What if my boss pissed me off or said something asinine to my coworker and I didn’t IM with my coworkers around the office about what a d*ck the boss is? What if I didn’t share personal details about others, even if it’s not a secret? What if I didn’t share my own personal details as often?

    The truth is, I gossip and sh*t-talk because it has helped me fit in all these years.

    I don’t worry so much now about fitting in, so I can stop this now. It’s a bad habit now and I intend to break it!

  9.  #9Dorothea on December 30, 2010 at 11:59 am

    The best part about this resolution is that I felt a shift in setting it as my resolution. Like it has cleared energy and space out of the way to let my other goals like exercise and weight loss fall into place naturally.
    Ahh, I feel complete and whole right now <3

  10.  #10Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Daria…#8 Brilliant!!!! when you post like that I just sit back with my mouth open like…wow..she really know her sh$t!!

    I felt so good reading that!!

  11.  #11Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    I meant “knows” 🙂

    I wish I could just be like “oh ya..of coarse he’s contacted me again he’s finally cleared his negative energy…and has good intentions (even if it doesn’t seem like it) as I shrug my shoulders lol

    awesome 🙂

  12.  #12Dorothea on December 30, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    “assume no ill-intent from him even if it SEEMS that way”

    this one is tough, but super liberating! with people in general too, not just men.

    i don’t want to be naive and assume no one has bad intentions, but after years of being guarded and paranoid, i trust myself to know when something’s really wrong. assuming at first that there is ill intent is a reflex and not an accurate gauge of the situation at hand. i am working on keeping that reflex in check until i have enough information about the situation to determine if it feels bad or not.

    I am a professional analyst, not sure why it’s so hard to apply this idea to my own life. analysis is loaded with compassion and respect for the truth, even when it is not what the analyst would like to see as a conclusion. You don’t stop at the first round of data collection and analysis because the first fraction of all your forthcoming data appears to have a negative trend, and make sweeping conclusions based off of it. You make a note and attempt to have no expectation for the next parcel of data that comes your way, and the next, and the next, and the next. Then, when you have all data in place and analyzed, you draw a conclusion.

    To further this ridiculous analogy, there are times when you should stop analysis and abandon the exercise and draw negative conclusions. If you are analyzing the volatility of X chemical mixed with other varying chemicals, and your lab ends up exploding and burning down to the ground with each new chemical you try, then you could probably stop and conclude that X chemical is fairly freaking explosive and should be handled with great caution before you have collected and analyzed all potential data.

  13.  #13Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Well put Dorothea 🙂

    So texted pipeliner (he’s riding in a truck with others so talking was out of the question…I feel weird having an intimate conversation with someone while others are listening/overhearing)

    anywho he was texting me and I decided to share my feeling message…

    to my seducer 😉 (I call him the seducer lol and he likes it of coarse 😉

    I feel torn..I want to see you as soon as possible but I am also feeling nervous about us spending a whole week together..what do you think?

    we don’t have to talk about it right now…I just wanted to share my feelings

    I feel happy about that…
    I feel good about that
    I feel honest
    I feel vulnerable
    I feel expressive
    I feel beautiful
    I feel unattached to the outcome 🙂

  14.  #14Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    knocksoftly…I re-read my post #7 and starting feeling bad…

    I hope I didn’t make you feel worse by my working through my triggers 🙁

    I feel a little selfish and “the world revolves around me”

    #14 maybe you don’t need to be warm and welcoming but soft and authentic? maybe soft is a baby step towards warm or welcoming?? what do you think?

  15.  #15Daria on December 30, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    knocksoftly – hi beautiful! 🙂

    “This is where I WANT to be but it is not where I am.”

    this is what Rori’s post is about! 🙂 fake it till you make it… then you’ll realize you never were faking it in the first place!

    A siren said “This feels manipulative to me…” That is the problem…he is a master manipulator and I FEEL SCARED.

    ok… something cannnot FEEL manipulative. it SEEMS manipulative.

    what you feel you said well: “I FEEL SCARED”… I also like to say… I feel on guard…

    even… I feel mistrustful


    “he is a master manipulator”
    – NO HE IS NOT!! 🙂

    This is the kinda thought that is in there causing you and your RELATIONSHIPS (plural!!!!) problems.

    This “he is a master manipulator” comes from a pattern. From the past. A pattern we might not even know. In fact, we think WE are master manipulators 🙁 and we reflect it onto this other being – him.

    let this thought be… and replace it with… “WOW I am thinking of him as a master manipulator… tha doesn’t feel good… and also it shows me that I feel scared…

    Ok I feel scared of him… that’s my message… I can SHARE this and see what happens!”

    I want to be open and warm and welcoming but I don’t know if I can.??????

    Babysteps… just share all the feelings… let your thoughts BE – and notice what feelings come with them

    “master manipulator” – OH! I feel scared!


    then start INSERTING your own prepared good thoughts !!!!

    for example, FLIPS have started working for me…

    OH i just thought he’s a jerk! GREAT! this means that everything is going to turn out really well for me today!

    oh i just remembered that awful thing he said… AWESOME! This must mean…

    insert GOOD FEELING THINGS in the meaning for it… they can be completely NONSENSICAL.

    why? because thoughts in general are not reality… and our inner mind and emotions responds to them

    so as we FLIP FLIP FLIP and practice it… even AN INSTANT of lighting up with good feelings is enough…

    we will be babystep changing the way we perceive, changing our energy… and THATS what feels GOOD and will allow FEEL GOOD Stuff only into our space!

    I like to use the tool of ACUNA MATATA! parking ticket? Acuna Matata!

    Rain and walking to the bus at 7 am? Acuna Matata – this must mean that the Rain Goddess is blessing me with sparkly drops of alive freshness… and that I will be feeling really cozy AND my eyes are particularly bright today!

    Feeling weak and like immune system is low? Acuna Matata – this must mean my body is really doing a GREAT job of taking care of me

    etc etc

    this Works! oh yes . I practice giving myself permission to alter “reality” which is just what I perceive… alter my perception

    and babysteps to happiness and more happiness are effortlessly crawled walked and happily smilingly jiggled and jogged by me! 🙂

  16.  #16Daria on December 30, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Jilly – “I feel a little selfish and “the world revolves around me”

    IT DOES!!!

    Can you BE with this uncomfortableness this brings up in you? and babystep to accepting that this is a GREAT THING?




    YES ITS ME ME ME all the way!! I AM A BLESSING AND I BLESS THE WORLD WITH BEING “selfish” WHAT A CONCEPT!!! LIKE shell fish? lol… JK! yes


    this means MORE MORE MORE JOY!

    and more more joy means EVERYONE HAPPY!!!


  17.  #17Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    I LOVE IT!!!! Thanks Daria!! 🙂

    So today I looked forward to going to my workout (crossfit) cause I have a little crush on the instructor 😉

    and yesterday he was so warm and friendly and massaging my shoulders and asking about my family and today…friendly but stand offish…boo…but wait…..AWESOME! this must mean that I put such a SIREN trance on him yesterday that he is a zombie today LOL! totally love it 🙂

  18.  #18Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    yes…I agree very deep post…I am REALLY resonating with what you are posting today Daria…thank you..

    “this is the kinda thought that is in there causing you and your RELATIONSHIPS (plural) problems”

    hmmm…i wonder what the thoughts are that that I have that are causing my relationship(s) problems…

    oh trigger me so I can find out jk I’m sure I have many of these

  19.  #19Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    I am cracking up over here! 🙂 yay!

  20.  #20Ella on December 30, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Hmmm, I feel uncomfortable… I feel butterflies in my stomach!

    I feel like a drama queen and like every little thing upsets me!

    Girl from the pub is having boyfriend troubles and keeps contacting Mr Barman for a shoulder to cry on… She works there and apparently doesn’t have any friends of her own she can contact.

    Hmmm, I feel out there without the protection of CD-ing 🙁

    I feel scared.

    Feels like emotions at the mercy of another.

    Need to re-focus.

    Want to CD to feel better.

    Don’t even know how I could express this all to Mr Barman.

    Don’t know if I want to. I just feel like a big walking bag of issues right now!


  21.  #21Ella on December 30, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Feels like nervous in tummy… feels like not enough security,

    Don’t want to think about my guy taking care of another females emotions… that feels like ICK!!!

    Serious ICK!!

    NO No No.


    Would this happen if I was a wife I wonder?

    I don’t know how to deal with this one… Feel unsure, sulky,

    Tired of feeling like this, just want to feel good.

    Feel angry too. But mostly hurt / fear…

    Too vulnerable. Want to pull back.


    Want to work through this, want to stay present if I can.

  22.  #22Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    hehe yes it WORKS!

    it really works for me when i don’t get approval (from my parents for example)

    I used to just feel CRUSHED!!! and the thoughts, when I noticed them were like.>> “OH NO, im NEVER going to have the family relationship i want, Im never going to feel loved and protected, everything i do is hopeless… etc…”

    now i am FLIPPING – even just this second – oh my mom seems distant and I feel uncomfortable – this must mean taht we are getting closer!!! 🙂

    and you know what! ? it’s TRUE!!

    I just did something I don’t think she would have approved of – ie didn’t go to my community service because I felt tired and I didn’t want to make my body sick –

    and I’ve noticed times, when I did something she doesn’t approve of… and I felt uncomfortable…

    the energy felt Tense…



    Now it’s ok!

    becuase I did it, and took care of myself, and so the energy of dissaproval she had got mixed in with curiousity *subconcious – she doesn’t have to Think about it*… and noticing … wow this person Daria seems to be doing really well with that thing she did

    and then poof the dissaproval energy gets dissipated and now its OK for not just me but my family too!!!


    It’s just like feeling messages to a Guarded Man:

    It’s like they disapprove, then you continue doing you and taking care of your feelings…

    and when they see that nothing bad happened…

    it opens up the space to make it ok…

    then they are able to HEAR!


    this happens when I consistently take the babysteps to take care of me… and NOT allow myself to be pulled into the pits by other’s dissaproval…

    see… the dissaproval voice is in THEIR HEAD ATTACKING THEM TOO!!! it’s telling them it will NOT be ok to do these things!

    so when they say it out to me, and I am able to continue babystepping to taking care of me…

    it shows them on subconscious level that that voice doesn’t know what it’s talking about… that it WILL BE OK!

    This is powerful stuff

    ok honestly

    I feel afraid to say this (thought – “because it will go away :(” – ohhh I see this thought it must mean that it will get EVEN BETTER FAST!!!)

    but I don’t remember my parents EVER being this happy and cuddly with each other as now

    or my mom as undepressed!




  23.  #23Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:18 pm


    “Have you ever experienced – or perhaps this is
    happening to you now – that awful moment where
    your relationship suddenly feels like it’s
    falling apart, when a week ago your man was so
    interested and “there for you”?

    I know how awful that feels, because it used
    to happen to me over and over, and I know you can
    turn it around, fast, the way I finally did with
    the man who’s now my wonderful husband.

    The thing is – it’s not your fault.

    Every mistake you and I make with men are
    mistakes we’ve been TAUGHT are the right things
    to do!

    And they’re the mistakes that men ENCOURAGE us
    to make – even DARE us to make.

    Men are USED to women making these mistakes,
    and they’re only too happy to let us make them
    over and over because they make things easy for

    These are the mistakes that make it easier for
    a man to avoid intimacy and responsibility, and
    they make him feel good in the moment.

    But the truth is – these mistakes men
    encourage us to make don’t make a man feel better
    in the LONG TERM.

    And they make US feel bad almost from the
    moment we make them.”

  24.  #24Ella on December 30, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Yes flip it…

    Fake it till I make it!

    I chose to believe that Mr Barman wants ME…

    Thoughts or NV are I am not good enough, I will be left, he will want someone else…


    Flip it…
    … I am more than enough, I will always be loved… AND I am still working out if I want him!

    Lets see if he is good enough for me! 🙂

    And if not there are lots of men still out there for me…

    I am great.

    Fake it till I make it!

    I intend to feel good / secure

    AND – if I continue to feel uncomfortable I will express that.

    I have the right to take care of me… and I will.

    I intend to feel good and secure and take care of me however I need to.

  25.  #25Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:20 pm


    They are USED to it.

    the THINK THEY WANT IT. it makes it easy for them!


    because… ITS FU(CKIN SCARY!!

    and when we don’t make them… they get WHAT THEY REALLY! WANT

    not what they THINK THEY WANT (to avoid intimacy and responsibility)





    “And they’re the mistakes that men ENCOURAGE us
    to make – even DARE us to make.

    Men are USED to women making these mistakes,
    and they’re only too happy to let us make them
    over and over because they make things easy for

    These are the mistakes that make it easier for
    a man to avoid intimacy and responsibility, and
    they make him feel good in the moment.”

  26.  #26Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Fake it till I make it –

    I HAVE 3! 3! offers to hang out RIGHT NOW!!

    2 offers for awesome massages

    all 3 offers for smoking

    and yummy food

    2 offers of men who want to buy me the groceries I love

    2 offers of guys wanting to take me to resign up to the sherriff’s place

    and 2 offers of guys wanting to “be with me” and support me while I fill out the forms and write a letter!!! yes!! and THIS ONE I KNOW ONE OF THEM IS AN AMAZING SPIRIT SHANGO and another one OBATALA

    wow I already made this come true before I even wrote it

    and GANJA loves me

    she missed me

    she wants to share with me more on how to grow my magic power

    and BE in the miracle

    and all these people want to hang out with me

    but i want to be here

    i even want to bathe… before hand

    and continue washing my clothes!

  27.  #27Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Gosh Ella..I totally know those feelings…

    what about trying the flip tool of Daria’s? I’m sure it could work in this situation too…
    he’s helping his female co worker work through her problems which means….YES! He’ll be an expert when it comes to taking care of MY feelings 🙂

    I’m having way too much fun with this FLIP thing…i’m sure it won’t be so easy when I’m in the MIDDLE of the soup bowl of feelings

    OR…just express away
    this is how I would feel…so I’m going write some feeling messages out that I might say…

    Mr. Barman..i feel vulnerable and a little jealous when I see you taking care of another woman’s emotions

    Mr. Barman…I feel a little jealous when I see you taking care of her and I feel bad for even sharing that with you

    Mr. Barman…I feel vulnerable when I see you taking care of another woman’s emotions…like there won’t be enough of you left for me…:(

    I’m still baby stepping with my feeling messages…but I honestly feel sooo much better after I say them to my “man”

  28.  #28Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    …so, after reading all this i still think i did not do a good job of putting words together, feeling messages, in telling the guy that I can’t handle a long distance relationship where we never see each other.

    but, i’m not beating myself up. i just don’t know how and have not been able to practice.

    i can’t turn back the hands of time, only go forward and keep trying to learn and practice with CD’ng.

  29.  #29Brenda on December 30, 2010 at 2:32 pm


    RE: #6 – Hi, I am sorry for all your sadness and hardship right now. I have been praying for you and thinking of you…sorry I can’t do more for you.

    Hugs, Brenda

  30.  #30Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Daria ~ you are doing a great job of nailing this communication skill and explaining it so i’m getting it a tiny little bit at a time. i love the clean slate thing.

    …so, after reading all this i still think i did not do a good job of putting words together, feeling messages, in telling the guy that I can’t handle a long distance relationship where we never see each other.

    but, i’m not beating myself up. i just don’t know how and have not been able to practice.

    i can’t turn back the hands of time, only go forward and keep trying to learn and practice with CD’ng.

    and when he emails again i will come here first before engaging with him.

  31.  #31Brenda on December 30, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Jilly (& Daria),

    RE: #11-12 – Nah, I liked it the first way better:

    she really know her sh$t!! 😆

  32.  #32Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    So, what are these mistakes?

    And how can we turn them around – actually
    reverse the whole process that’s making a man
    withdraw so that he’ll come running after you –
    even stronger than he did at the beginning?

    YES YES YES!!!

    come running after me BABY!! stronger than at the beginning!

    I know what MY MISTAKE WAS! I didnt’ clearly let you know I was interested in more than sex.

    I didnt’ clearlly let you know I was NOT ok with rare and canceled plans.

    I did not let you know I felt kinda weird already with the many canceled plans before the first MEETING!

    I didnt’ let you know i find you OVERWHLEMINGLY ATTRACTIVE and am feeling a bit insecure myself…


    i love that i see this and i can share share share when you come back around!


  33.  #33Mercedes on December 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Just wanted to subscribe and tell everyone Happy New Year since I most likely won’t be back for a few days.


    Much Love,

  34.  #34Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Yay Daria! and Yay for your parents!!!

  35.  #35Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Soul Sista – Babysteps

    and – a surprise ! Shifting Energy NOW…

    affects the energy in the PAST too (yes really)


  36.  #36Rosa on December 30, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Oh Wow ,

    How things can change faster than a blink…

    NEWSBREAK…..schoolgirl romance man (35 years ago)
    who has very recently exited his 13 year engagement has now thrown his hat in the ring.

    In essence this is what he said last night-
    I know I am newly single
    I know you have had recent heartbreak (G-Man)
    I know we both need time ..
    I cant deny my feelings

    I dont want to have a platonic relationship with you for 6 or 12 months and see you waltzed off by another guy and sit by and say NOTHING.

    Can we date as friends? And take our time ?
    I cant deny my feelings.
    And maybe I can hold your hand from time to time and show you how much affection I feel.

    EEEEKKKKKK!!!! (Thats actually what i wrote back)
    I feel scared . i feel awkward.
    I “feeled” my way through to yes we can do that . And i will be dating others too and I have a date for the weekend already…more eeeekiing….

    Actually i am delighted. I knew things had changed subtly , but he was engaged when i first caught up with him in recent months. She refused to marry him and he exited the boyfriend trap.

    He is a MASTER of FEELING MESSAGES already . Cant tell you how few men I know like that .

    He made my fifteen year old world burst into life , I was so infatuated and we were best of friends, I know him inside out from that time and he me (and our families etc) . He has integrity , morals , values and many positive points .The negative points include a tendency to be a little hasty!!!

    My caution feeling is huge and so is his due to the recent issues. I feel concerned that he is emotionally weak and bereft and reaching to me to heal him .
    TIME is the only solution to that.

    THANK YOU RORI for CD’ing as a valid , practiced concept, its perfect for this situation.

    The thought of me out dating has already caused him to step up.

    I want to meet several more men this new year to fill my rotation date date…

  37.  #37Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    awesome Rosa…he sounds amazing…

    it feels great to read how a siren works through her feelings with a man even if the first ones aren’t necessarily “feel good” ones

  38.  #38Daria on December 30, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Most of the mistakes we make with men look
    like this:

    We believe we have to:

    find a man

    * ok I thought we DID – I wanted to go out where there are MEN – sports bars – and have a beer… haven’t really implemented That yet… babysteps –

    ooh sports bars in the EAST BAY! omg! CREAM!!

    my older friend is going to give me his bus passes and train stuff so i can travel for free… then i can take the bus to the east bay, discover what time a game is on, go watch it, then come back! *

    approach him,

    *ok I am interested in EXPERIMENTING with approaching him, just to prove to ME that I have the guts too… and clear it out… for me to be more open when they approach ME –

    and 5 second eye gaze… ACK… feels scary… so scary cuz i KNOW he will come talk to me… BECAUSE i was looking at him!

    BUT THATS WHAT I WANT!!! him to come talk to me

    but if I looked at him, then i can;t PRETEND than I was being casual and not interested

    omg! feels scary … all my elementary school crushes I kept so under wraps that they would NEVER be able to tell…

    it was really important or else I woudl feel humiliated and rejected…

    and i want to compassionately love me and change this now 🙂 *

    get him talking

    * sometimes I say HI first… ack! when I feel nervous… ooooh I had to practice hardcore with my DAD

    I was practicing letting him say hi first… and he was even before this, complaining that im being “disrespectful and rude” and not saying hello to him…

    yet i persisted… i look at him full on and SMILE

    and sometimes he did and sometimes he didn’t say it

    AND NOW!! lately!!! he’s been saying it FIRST!!! it doesn’t feel tense like me feeling uncomfortable about being judged in his head anymore

    I’ve moved away from my parents HEADS a lot!!!


    awesome success… ooh… this took lots of practice… it didnt’ shift right away… and yes yes yes it HAS 🙂 *

    interest him

    *Express not Impress has really worked for me here. I find I used to go in boy mode and Impress guys with my street knowledge, my wisdom or my school/subject knowledge. And even though this WORKED to impress them… it did not ATTRACT them to me!! :O . In fact, it sometimes Unattracted them, as they judged themselves as not good enough for me or something… it felt awkward. It changed the vibe from them giving to me to…

    something else… 🙁 . aww i feel icky thinking of it.

    It’s still fun to play games like dominoes… and now i don’t do it to COMPETE but to play… and it’s fun!

    haha I won too! with my last CD. and then of course he wanted to win hehe.. and he did.

    competition is fun as a clearly defined GAME, but I don’t want the energy to spill over into our interactions…

    I feel better feeling protected and loved – ME! the girl who shunned protection as blocking me from being all I can be – HA! i;ve changed… now it ENCOURAGES me 🙂 *

  39.  #39Daria on December 30, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Yay ROSA!!

  40.  #40Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Daria ~ yes, I know that about shifting energy now affects the past…I was gonna post about that yesterday that is a major tenet of the Field Center Course.

    your posts to day are helping me a lot. thank you!! xo

  41.  #41Daria on December 30, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I now am starting to feel attracted to 3 of my previously “Mr. Disspassionate” Cd’s!!!


    this morning i talked with one about how i dont’ feel good being blamed for not calling him bakc

    he talked for a long time coming to his own conclusion that likes me and wants to see me

    then i said i still felt pressured about sex

    again he came to the conclusion he doesn’t want to pressure me


    he even asked how i feel about him and i had to (gasp) tell him

    i said i feel scared to tell u !

    i feel interested in getting to know you and some stuff has me feeling turned off and on guard and other stuff has me feeling good

    and i feel glad we did kiss last time and i feel good about that

    and i do want to get to know you more i mean i am not at a place to turn you down if you want to see me


    anyways tho you wouldn’t have guessed it During hte convo,

    i feel CLOSER to him now…

    and now he wants to see me!


    the other cd from last nite texted me

    and theres a guy that asked to see me since last nite!


    see my “fake it till you make it of 3 guys” is already happening!

    IM FAST manifesting!!


    i feel happy

  42.  #42Daria on December 30, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    the CD from last nite wanted to see me… i felt awkward with him about sex but now have spent the nite twice without sex and feel good!

    i feel safe and like he likes me now

    i’m gonna share with him that i’d feel better about kissing (we have in the past but not in a long time)

    as a step to getting closer physically, and that Not kissing kind of puts my guard up sexually

    im starting to feel attracted to him !!!


  43.  #43Daria on December 30, 2010 at 3:22 pm


    the one who already asked to see me today…

    he’s an oldschool one that has wanted to marry me from day one

    he was previously “hovering man” at times


    well he said some sexual stuff to me on the phone

    about having a “gift” for me

    and… it did NOT soudn icky

    the lil “5 year old boy” energy was not there

    i felt a lil bit of curiosity… yes!!!

    i did NOT feel turned off!!


    I actually TOLD HIM!! last date that i feel weird being hit on without us kissing and…

    he then said why didnt i say that and Kissed me…

    and i felt flustered and blushing and shy and ran off… feeling good!

    and now! yay!!

  44.  #44Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 4:10 pm


    Feeling so happy reading all your posts…I like seeing u voice getting stronger…To me you’ve achieved the ability to coach anyone…:)

    Praying the Universe blesses you with financial means and/or whatever necessary to pursue u dream…

    Warm hugs,

  45.  #45Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    This morning I was waiting in line to get coffee continuing my thoughts from when I was driving. I love to drive…It feels good to contemplate about stuff…

    Thinking about the recent events…my instant reactions, my thoughts, my feelings…and ultimately about my choices…

    I kept going back to why it didn’t feel good to me to send a respectful, vulnerable, and sincere response to him…

    My first answer was “I was angry…” – justifying myself (a no, no)

    Second answer…”He didn’t deserve it…”- explaining myself (a no, no)

    Bells ringing!!!!

    Daria recently made a comment to me that stood with me since…”Is it possible U think U don’t deserve it?” I remembered feeling shocked…What???

    Back in line to get coffee…all these thoughts/images were played together…like in a mini movie…and finally it all stopped at:

    “It is true…I think I don’t deserve it…Because…
    I don’t feel I am Worth it…(Back to belonging and worthiness – the two ingredients to a feeling of fulfillment in life)

    Father chose not to fight for me
    Father gave in to the hysterical woman
    He gave up…I was not Worth the fight and the Love…

    I felt bursting in tears right there waiting in line…My eyes were filled with tears…I stopped

    I feel hope though….It’s like a new bright gateway opening on the Horizon…to which I WANT to find the Key!!!

  46.  #46Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    Knocksoftly #6:

    I feel glad Daria helped you your dilemma…Wow, our stories do indeed resemble 🙁

    I really like our voices these days… Clarity…Transformation…Support…Sharing…

    Warm hugs,

  47.  #47Gift_of_Love on December 30, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Daria, I am really getting a lot out of your advice and posts. I am dating a man who I think is toxic…not sure.
    But I am trying really really hard to stick with the feeling sayings. It helps to remember that the facts aren’t what is really important…it’s important to get across how I feel. Do we say feeling statements with everything no matter what the topic is?

  48.  #48Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Dorothea #9 and 13

    I loved your posts…Wow 🙂

    Thank u for your recent support…

    Warm hugs,

  49.  #49Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    daria #37 AWESOME!

  50.  #50Luzydel on December 30, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    I had a CD today and we got very close…almost sex kind of close 🙂 I don’t know what it was I leaned backward and the guy found me irresistible I guess. We had a long make out session with lots of touching etc.
    No inter course or oral I did not feel comfortable to do that and I was feeling more sensual than horny. It felt good to have someone adore the way I look, to touch my hair to want me.

    Something change in me in those few minutes, I loved my body, I felt my body was beautiful and I let him touch my curves between my waist and hips.

    Well who knows if this CD will call again or not, I am here ready to learn and he was there to teach me something about me and my sensuality and I am thankful for that 🙂

  51.  #51Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Rosa #41:

    Wow…U go Siren 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  52.  #52Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 6:53 pm


    I feel enthusiatic for u …I loved the way u described u experience 🙂

    Feeling very happy 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  53.  #53Simply Shannon on December 30, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I feel amazed and wow… floored. I was just reading this morning from the posts from Rori about the Flip. How random and WEIRD to see Daria talking about that right now. That is FREAKY!! The universe is at play…

    I have so many men in my life right now. Really crazy. CDs coming back. Mr. Manly Man is back. Mr. O is back. And a new CD who I really like Adventure Guy. Oh and another CD came back.

    Hooray to the new year coming! I wonder what will happen next!!! I feel excited and incredibly turned on about my life!!!

  54.  #54Simply Shannon on December 30, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Shhhiiiiiitttt. Just chatted with Mr. Manly Man. Oh my gosh.

    I feel SAD.

    I feel terrified.

    He gave his same ol’ song and dance about me circular dating. He won’t date me if I’m dating others.

    A part of me wanted him to say “ok, then marry me” and a part of me felt TERRIFIED that he would say those exact words.

    Deep deep sadness right now.

    Oh my gosh my heart hurts. Burning pain.

    How can I go from “hooray” about my life to this?

    Oh wow. This hurts.

    I don’t want to pine over men who are not pursuing me.


    I feel so turned on by him. Just thinking about him feels exciting.

    This crap is all in my head. It’s the pining that gets me. I can’t have him and that feels sexy to me. Like love to me.

    Shhhiiiiittt. I feel like I’m in Rori Raye elementary school. How long have I been on this blog? When will I get this?

    Okay. Gonna flip this.

    Even though the ending of that convo felt horrible, it will actually bring me closer to the relationship I want. I flung my heart out there. All kinds of vulnerability from both of us. He wants me like crazy. He just doesn’t know how to get me. And worse case, I SEE how this is all about the pining. Like a friggin’ carrot out in front of me that I just can’t reach. Feels like crap. I see this. I want this healed.

  55.  #55Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Simply Shannon ~ hang in there…i love what you said –

    “Even though the ending of that convo felt horrible, it will actually bring me closer to the relationship I want.”

    that helped me feel even more grounded in myself with finally telling the guy i’m involved with i can’t handle our long distance connection. and i didn’t say it perfectly but i told the truth the best i could, after whole year. it’s a start.

    so, yeah, did that get me closer to the relationship i want. yeah, it did.

  56.  #56Deb on December 30, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    SS – Wow, I totally feel you!

    It’s so not fair sometimes 🙁

    But we’re all taking Babysteps…

    And THEY DO seem to come out of the woodwork around the New Year! I think you’re right, we’re having some serious Siren Synchrony right now…

  57.  #57Deb on December 30, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    ARG – ladies, what is my problem?!

    I can’t do it. I’m finally getting what I’ve been asking for and every ounce of me is now resisting it!

    I’m trying so hard to stay connected to my intuition, but at times like these it seems to just slip through my fingers like sand 🙁

    I say I want someone who cares, who wants to be involved in my life, who wants to give to me… but although he’s here I just can’t accept him.

    The attraction is just not materializing and I can’t drag this guy (Shag) around anymore. Yes, I am beating myself up over this!

    He got offered a year-long job overseas and I told him that I didn’t want to be a factor in the decision… it felt like too much pressure to me. I can sense that he is really yearning for connection with a woman in his life… I feel bad because he talked about how the last time that he returned to states after a year away there was no one to greet him and he doesn’t want that to happen again…

    I might as well beg him NOT to propose.

    ARG! …Whatever.

    I’m feeling what I’m feeling. I can wish I felt something different, but I’m not, and that’s just where I am right now.

    Yes, I want a relationship leading towards marriage, but that doesn’t mean that I’m ready for it at this moment!

    I did have an amazing experience at a concert (with some old friends) earlier this week, I’d like to share. I felt like I was throwing the weight of all of this worrying over guys completely off my shoulders. Like I was hurling this big weight up into the air and watching it explode into a million pieces! Focusing on me and feeling my internal power and connection with the universe is *so different* from giving up and wallowing in apathy!

    The guy who drove me to Rori in the first place messaged me for the first time in 2 months the other day too… just like y’all say they do! So I must be putting up some sort of good vibe out there. I really am over that and don’t care about the outcome, but it was cool because that allowed me to respond warmly.

    I’m afraid that I leaned forward too much on ShimSham’s birthday. 🙁 Text, facebook post, and a card… and I tagged a picture of him taking me on his flight lesson the same day (I’m currently away for the holidays). I haven’t ever posted on his wall or put up a pic of him before, so I feel worried that this all together was all too much. What do you guys think? Its not like I bought him anything, even though he got me a gift for Christmas.

    Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m growing or failing :/ Babysteps, right?!

  58.  #58mcgirlygirl on December 30, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    Hi Everyone,

    I am new to this – and I probably needed it a long time back. I read the relationship you want book today for the first time and decided that I was going to be present in my current dating relationship and start to really work the steps. And then he called.

    I have been feeling insecure – and have been somewhat open about that – but he always said I should not be. Then tonight – after deciding today that I was going to let go – whatever will happen will happen, he called and said – he just isn’t feeling ‘it’. After 5 weeks or so he should feel more towards me and just doesn’t.

    I listened and didn’t get upset – but did ask him what he hoped the outcome of the conversation would be. Either I say ok well thanks for calling – or what do you think we could do to fix this?

    I asked if saw any positives in the relationship – he has enjoyed getting to know me, we have a lot in common, we want the same things – long and short term – sexual chemistry is there – but after this amount of time he should be feeling more. I admitted to being closed off, and that if we both gave it some more time making an effort to open up to each other, then I believe that would be a huge change.

    Or maybe I handled it all wrong. I should have just said 0K – thanks for calling – take care. He is going to think about it.

    Direction? Comments? I guess reading the book today was a little late.

    Very very sad.

  59.  #59Brenda on December 30, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    I went to a Potato Chip Factory to see Christmas lights with my Mom tonight! They had drive-thru Christmas lights! It was ethereal and beautiful! They had oodles of lights detailing each tree, outlining nearly every inch of them! Some trees had mixed color lights, but most of them were solids: purple, green, red, etc. Then there were lit angels, Santa with sleigh and reindeer, balls. The balls on the ground looked like lit aloe vera plants, even tho they weren’t. The balls in the air looked like huge tree ornaments. Then we drove around Honey Brook a little bit looking at lights at houses. It was really enjoyable, and I had the doggers along. I ran them on my way home.

    Best of all, Ryan called me tonight!!! He called after 9 pm, while I was still with my Mom, so I let it go to voicemail. I called him back about an hour later, and left a message for him. So now I have a call to look forward to tomorrow!

    I am going to a New Year Eve party at a friend’s house, and I’m excited.

    I feel a fresh motivation to get my life in order. I feel rested and in a good space emotionally, while physically, I actually have time to get my house in order, prepare healthy food, and work out each day, along with reading the Bible and praying. I feel a new hope that I really can get my life in order!

    I am going to try to work out 2 hrs a day, to put me on the fast track to becoming fit! It feels so good to finally have the time to get my life in order.

  60.  #60GinaGirl on December 30, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Ladies, can anyone help me write a short, effective speech for talking with a man I’ve been with for a year and four months, who proposed and gave me a ring on Christmas… only to immediately tell me his non-negotiable timeline and give me a list of things more important for him to take care of before getting married (issues with his teenage sons, finishing school, and paying off certain bills)? He says he will not consider a wedding date of less than another year and a half from now and has announced to me when we will get married. Help!! I love him and want to marry him, and there are some serious, legitimate issues going on with his sons. But in some ways I feel as if he gave me a proposal and a ring to “buy” a lot more time, because he knows I won’t be a girlfriend for years. Now I’m a girlfriend for years, cleverly disguised as a “fiance!” Although I do trust his sincerity in marrying me in a year and a half, I feel like I’ve been handed a set of rules to adhere to and that he isn’t willing to compromise at all. One of the nastiest parts of this is, I’m now put in a position of feeling selfish for continuing to want marriage soon because now it is “what’s right for his kids.” Do you ladies have any great lines and feeling messages for my speech? I’m not always so great with that… conversations turn into ugly arguments, and this topic is more loaded than a machine gun. Thank you so much for your help!

  61.  #61lm on December 30, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    @ daria 17 – acuna matata! i love that!!

  62.  #62snowqueen on December 31, 2010 at 1:08 am

    I’m learning a lot from this thread – it’s all beginning to click into place a lot more. Just get him to keep solving the problem and see how he steps up. I’m amused to see that women are now having the dilemma of being offered commitment or serious interest but not sure they want it. That must be how a lot of men feel about us and we interpret it as them being ‘difficult’ or ‘unavailable’ etc.

    When you shift to seeing them as largely benign, wanting to make us happy, wanting connection, “assuming good intent”, then you are in control, gracious, like a queen. Daria #8 nails it for me.

    “The way to build a relationship is to start each moment fresh”

    As a buddhist that makes total sense to me. I know each day goes better when I start with meditation, grounding myself in the moment and remembering to say my daily mantra as I start the day: ‘ooh! I wonder what’s going to happen to me today??’

    I am open to the universe and trust myself to respond in alignment with what I want and need to be safe and happy.

  63.  #63marina on December 31, 2010 at 4:52 am

    Hello dear Sirens,

    I loooooove the FLIP FLIP FLIP

    And LonePlum’s post on (un)conditional love 🙂

    Wish you all a very happy 2011

    Dalai Lama
    Compassion creates a positive, friendly atmosphere. With such an attitude, you can create the possibility of receiving affection or a positive response from someone else. If the other person doesn’t respond to you in a positive way, your own feeling of openness gives you the flexibility and freedom to change your approach as needed and still allows for the possibility of having a meaningful conversation with them.

    XXX Marina

  64.  #64marina on December 31, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Paulo Coelho
    2010: Closing cycles

    One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
    Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

    Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

    You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
    Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

    Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

    That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

    Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
    Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

    Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

    Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

    Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

    Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
    Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
    This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

    Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

    Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

    Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

  65.  #65Senior Lady Vibe on December 31, 2010 at 5:55 am

    @68: marina says:

    “Paulo Coelho
    2010: Closing cycles…”

    Ohhhhh…I like that!

    All the best to you in the New Year. New year, new life.


  66.  #66Dorothea on December 31, 2010 at 6:30 am

    Now that I am very conscious of talking about other people, I am noticing that I do it a lot. This is going to be hard!

    I spent the evening with the biggest sh8t talker I know, haha. He is a wonderful friend and all around superhero, but man does he sh*t talk.

    Noticing the need to fill in the silence or offer topic-related anecdotes about other people.

  67.  #67Dorothea on December 31, 2010 at 6:34 am

    Hey Sirens, I wake up every morning feeling freaking angry. Usually I’m angry at LI for something random. Or I’ll be angry with a friend who is wronging me if that happens to be going on.

    my first emotion of the day is anger:(

  68.  #68Simply Shannon on December 31, 2010 at 6:44 am

    Dorothea, I feel proud of you and this intention you’ve set. My girlfriend and I have talked about how we did not honor our husbands with our words when we were married. Basically we talked trash about them in the name of venting. And thing is that once I label a man as “bad”, the talking about that stuff only serves to cement that label. If I say Man X is an a$$hole and you agree with me, well… that belief becomes more real.

    So I too am choosing to honor people by talking only good about them or not talking about them at all. I’m choosing to focus on good. And worst case, if I have a problem with someone, I talk to that person about it.

    It does help to vent and talk about issues with my girlfriends but I don’t want to talk just to talk and have them agree with me (gossip). I only want to talk in hopes of clearing my mind so that I can talk to the person.

    Plus if I’m always talking about someone else, I’m not focusing on me and how *I* contribute to the problem.

    Funny how I notice this so much more now that I’m not contributing to the gossip.

    BRAVA Dorothea!

  69.  #69Simply Shannon on December 31, 2010 at 6:48 am

    Closing the cycle on Mr. Manly Man. I intend to no longer contribute to the cycle between us. I only want fresh and new, clear air between us. If he wants me, he’ll have to ask me out. No more of this cyclical conversation ugliness. I feel hopeful.

    The air is now clear in my circle. Today is a day for new beginnings.

    I intend to feel attracted to a man who is good to me, pursuing me hard, and wanting me to feel good, protected, cherished and wanted.

    That is my only intention for 2011. 🙂

  70.  #70Dorothea on December 31, 2010 at 6:58 am

    Shannon, I love that you are on the same page with me. It feels reassuring to know there are people in my life, even if only on facebook hehe, that are on board with this!

    I feel like a shamed little kid. I have been spending all of this time and energy to make myself more desirable to men, to make myself more beautiful, more successful, more impressive… but now I am realizing how lonely and angry I am despite all that, and how low my vibration is when I talk about others. It’s like I know nothing! hehe. It feels like none of that work to be more desirable to men means anything in the long run.

    I need to make peace with myself and God this year.

  71.  #71Luzydel on December 31, 2010 at 8:04 am

    I wanted to spend this new years with someone, Just anyone. I have been spending new years alone for 5 years now. No one asked me on a date so I guess for now I will be alone (well my dog is here).

    I want to start new years with the promise to myself to open up to people, to new possibilities to make a door through my walls so people can get in and leave it open if they want to leave.

    I do not want to have these walls anymore, they served a purpose long ago, they made me stronger and more determined, but they also kept good people and experiences away from me.

    I want to be open for love and I now know that love is a journey no a destination…

  72.  #72Dorothea on December 31, 2010 at 8:17 am

    Happy New Year, Luzydel!

  73.  #73Dorothea on December 31, 2010 at 8:38 am

    I feel paralyzed an unable to want to clean my messy ass house.

  74.  #74Jilly on December 31, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Dorothea…I feel paralyzed too…I woke up super annoyed with my roommate and she is awesome!

    I had planned on going skiing to with some friends but I seriously could NOT wake up (and I am a MORNING person) and now I am missing my workout tooo…ugggh!

    I feel frustrated
    I feel stuck
    I feel I “should” be doing so much more
    I feel unmotivated

    I love my frustration…oh wait..ahhh…just for fun I’m going to do some flips….he he..

    I feel paralyzed and stuck and frustrated this morning this means….YES! something amazing is going to happen today!!

    I feel unmotivated…AWESOME! I must be saving energy to heal my body from all the soreness from working out

    this actually does make me feel better like a weight is lifted…

  75.  #75Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 9:02 am

    jilly (and dorothea) i love how you framed this Jilly. i have a friend who has a internet radio show on Law of Attraction and my music is the theme song…anyway, i go on there and talk about my journey since leaving the Bay area and my motto is “something good is happening” no matter what appears to be happening!

    i love how you got so specific, felt sooo good to read it!

    now i feel like i need to get back on the show next Thursday and catch up. it’s called Everyday Attraction.

  76.  #76Aminata on December 31, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Happy New Year all you Siren Goddesses!

    thank you lone plum for that message. it felt good to read it, now that I finally recovered completely from a twisted relationship where the guy did bad things and expected me to stick by him anyway. So glad I dumped him!

    Thank you Rori for all of your advice. I’ve been reading your blog for almost 2 years now and it has totally changed my life. I’ve moved from attracting guys with low ambition, love for me and commitment issues to smart guys who are really into me. I’m dating a Molecular Bio-Chemist (!) and he feels like I’m doing him a big honor. And I love every minute of that! The old me would have felt so uncomfortable! Thank you for helping me grow as a woman!

    Enjoy the holiday everyone. I wish all of us the best in love and life in 2011!!!!!

  77.  #77Jilly on December 31, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Aminata…yay! i love success stories 🙂 Just changing what we are attracting is a SUCCESS

    Soul SIsta..super cool your music is on her show! and I sometimes wonder about the law of attraction…I definitely believe in manifesting…and I see how changing who we are in the inside changes our reality (like what Rori said above)…. I swear I have every book on the Law of Attraction lol
    Have you listened to the Radio show “Being Here” by Ariel and Shya Kane? just feeling curious

    I love the way Rori’s programs work! it feels so good and it’s like the Law of Attraction wrapped up in super pretty wrapping paper with a big PINK SEXY bow on top!!

  78.  #78Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 11:17 am

    jilly ~ i’m not so into the Law of Attraction teachings as I am into, just what you said, changing who you ARE changes everything. that’s why I am into the Field Center Course…who my friend, Rae Zander, on the show actually turned me onto…she didn’t go further with the Course but i did 🙂

    i did not know the Kane’s had a show…i am going to check that out!

  79.  #79Rori Raye on December 31, 2010 at 11:33 am

    GinaGirl…everything depends on what your relationship is now, how it feels, how often you see each other. If you want to not be exclusive with him, you can experiment with just having conversations with other men…but if you think this is right – he’s right…seems to me you can work with where he’s at. Love, Rori

  80.  #80Rori Raye on December 31, 2010 at 11:39 am

    mc – welcome, and I’m so sorry…always, best to say “OK, thanks for calling, you’re absolutely right.” And then go Circular Date. Often they come back – and the goal here is for you to become more that if he shows up, things will be different – and, even more important, you’ll attract in a NEW man – at a much higher level of intimacy. Usually, if he doesn’t feel it – it’s just wrong. Not on a level we can intellectually understand – but it’s just not a good match. No matter where you’re at – every man you interact with or spend time with need to be totally into you. Love, Rori

  81.  #81Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Thank you Rori and Ladies for being in my life in 2010 and helping me detox from serial monogamy! Hello 2011 and Circular Dating! I’M FREE!


  82.  #82Jim on December 31, 2010 at 11:48 am



  83.  #83Jennifer on December 31, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    I am liking this thread.
    IS good.
    My resolutions for new years include…..not being so freakin hard on myself, cause I’m scared.
    I have been out with E twice this week. And I feel like an Ahole.
    I’m not so attracted to this guy.
    He does everything “right” and I feel like “OMG, I hope this guy doesn’t try to kiss me.”
    I intend to start being attracted to men who are good to me.
    This is my intention.

    I need to riff about B
    Cause he emailed me.
    Like after two weeks.
    And it is pissing me off.

    I don’t know why I think I should be on the top of buddy’s email list. But I do.
    Like “IF” it took you two weeks to email me.
    I feel….what?
    Like this guy is Fckin with my head.
    Like…ask me what I want santa to bring me…as though you were gonna do something about it (my perception?)
    then ignore me for two weeks.
    I feel annoyed.

    I want a different year next year.
    I want to have really hawt…qualified men chasing me all over kingdom come!
    YESH I DO!

    Please girls, don’t ask me how I’m gonna do that………when I’m shit scared to date half the time………that’s all just details.
    True Story.

  84.  #84Jennifer on December 31, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    what the hell is smart date and why is it all over my facebook?

  85.  #85Daria on December 31, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Brenda – 2 hours a day of sex (my new word for working out)

    Would feel overwhelming…

    I do t tapp and it takes 20 min that equals two hours.

    I also have special tissue stretching that I can do when I feel called… That would take like an hour…

    I feel scared to start it!

  86.  #86Daria on December 31, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    I want really hawt qualified men chasing me over kingdom come too!

  87.  #87Daria on December 31, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    I heard yesterday my brother died.

    I forgot him in my brothers countdown last week. And now I hear he’s dead. Love my brother.

  88.  #88Daria on December 31, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Last nite a guy who’s been friends w me for years and now I’m givin a chance to got mad at me cuz he said whenever he makes sexual advances I reject him.

    I felt bad.

    I talked to him in the morning. And cried. Like twice cuz I felt lonely. Then he held my hand and we talked and I felt better.

    I said how I like to be dating and open up gradually sexually and emotionally.

    I feel better… I felt bad last nite like he doesn’t want to see me and I was feeling misunderstood.

    I felt guilty cuz I was the one who called him to get me.

    I feel better now, even… Closer. We also kissed a bit longer in the car. He got hard.

    Guys want sex w me cuz I’m Me!

    That helped me.

    I had a nice time before that w my other cd he took me to Chevys…. We kissed a lil longer too he liked it.

    He seemed uncomfortable to drop me off at a man’s house, even tho it was my older friend…

    But then I think it made him thinking about planning more elaborately next time so he doesn’t have to drop me off .

  89.  #89Daria on December 31, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    I got my peezyclsst nite!

  90.  #90Dorothea on December 31, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    daria, sorry to hear about your brother:(

  91.  #91malaikah on December 31, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    I loved this article: thankyou Rori. Also, I hope you received my email and that you’re able to respond.

    I’ve been following these conversations, and to Daria: I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you don’t feel guilty since you forgot him in your countdown 🙁
    When I was getting on the train today, I was told it’d been delayed as somoene committed suicide. It made me wants to cry; my throat closed up, and I felt so sad. This person must’ve felt so alone.

    It’s 22:07 here in the UK, New Year’s Eve. I feel scared and a little overwhelmed. What lies in the year ahead? Will I find the right man? I hope so.

    I feel upset- today marks the end of a year. At the same time, I feel good imagining the things that I’m hoping to happen this year: being accepted into university, being loved by a special man. I trust in god that this will be a good year

  92.  #92marina on December 31, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Daria, I am sorry about your loss 🙁

    Well, it is 23.20 here at the continent, boys (ages 6-60) have been out on the streets all day throwing fireworks, it’s like there is a war going on here….LOL

    There is gonna be a really big bonfire on the street behind my appartment.

    First time I am gonna spent NYE by myself in my own appartment and that feels good 🙂

    I sent out smses to all my friends and loved ones early, bc they don’t get through at midnight and received many sweet replies, I feel loved 🙂

    Feel excited and happy and look forward to 2011.

    Already have lots of parties and fun things planned for the next 4 weeks, woohoo.

    Had a fun talk with my Mom today about something that happened this week, we actually both start to talk about our feelings now. I feel I really like that a lot!

    Actually I am going to sleep now.
    I feel sleepy and I want to wake up feeling good and new like the new year.

    Hello 2011 😀

    Love to you all!!!
    Ciao, Marina

  93.  #93Daria on December 31, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Thanks girl. 🙁

    He did die. Somewhere out the way… They took his $ an his chain

    Ina house out da way … :(. Feelin sad like cryin

  94.  #94Daria on December 31, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Now that he’s dead we can talk whenever :). Lol.

    Guess being dead is like being extra alive.

    But here were with our “egos”

    I like my ego, living here, and I like that eventually I’m gonna die. 🙂

  95.  #95Daria on December 31, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Thank you malaikah and marina.

    I am getting a lil swell of feeling good.

    I mostly feel ok cuz I feel comfortable with death.

    I would feel horrible if it struck close to me like sumone I see everyday like my parents. Then the shock and loss would feel super string.

    I haven’t seen my brobro in hella long so I can peacefully talk to him. All my memories of him started coming up…

    Including one I’m mad at him for :).

    Aww. I told him I love him.

  96.  #96mcgirlygirl on December 31, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for the response! I guess because I didn’t just leave it at ‘thanks for calling’ I gave away all of my power? I certainly know I am not feeling good in the “I am waiting to see what he says’ position. I thought I was being open and genuine when I said how do you want to approach this – either work on it or not?

    So do I not take his call? Do I take it and say that I think he was right and we should just call it quits?

    More than a few of my friends have suggested something else might be going on here (someone else maybe?) If that is the case, he deserves none of my energy. Or maybe that is the wrong way to think about it?

  97. on December 31, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    @ 92: Daria says:

    “I want really hawt qualified men chasing me over kingdom come too!”

    …and their fathers and uncles are chasing me…maybe their grandfathers too… LOL 😆


  98. on December 31, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    @93: Daria says:

    “I heard yesterday my brother died.”

    So sad to hear, sorry to hear you have lost a loved one.


  99.  #99Senior Lady Vibe on December 31, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Oh, now I see why I’m in moderation… 😳

  100.  #100mcgirlygirl on December 31, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Hi all,

    A friend has suggested that I just email him and say – I have thought about it and I don’t think that this relationship is giving me what I need. Take care — instead of waiting for him to call me and let me know if he is willing to try.

    Advice? I am so bad at this…

  101.  #101malaikah on December 31, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Mcgirl- I’m in no way as “experienced” as the Sirens on this blog, but what I’d be asking myself in this situation is, “How do I feel?”

    You are a siren, a beautifual, sensual and sexy woman. He should be breaking down walls to get you, yet he’s not. Personally, I’d say that you need to tap into how you’re feeling, and how you want to feel and compare the two. Leave him be: get out there and start CD-ing girl!

  102.  #102Daria on December 31, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Happy New YEAR!!!

    meeting my brother in SF!!! so excited!

    gonna take hte train!

  103.  #103Rosa on December 31, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Hi McG,

    I would like to re-post what Rori said ,
    “Ok Thanks for calling you are absolutely right”.

    If you email anything you are leaning forward.
    If you try to explain, correct, try over or ANYTHING you are overfunctioning , clinging and emitting a negative vibe .

    Men respond to distance . Do nothing .
    Say nothing . Its not necessarily too late to flip things , but he has to make the next move. Or not.

    He will call when he wants to. ie , if you lean back he will likely move forward to fill the energy gap

    Then say , “thanks for calling , you are absolutely right”

    If he says ,” oh but i am prepared to try again”, then fine. You can start with a feeling message such as” I feel pleased we can get to know each other more, but I dont wish to be a girlfriend as we are only dating and I dont want to pressure either of us” .THEN you CD ..a lot you can practice communicating feelings with lots of men!!!!

    Or he may just disappear. If he wants to call and say ,” i dont want to continue”, say yes , you are absolutely right”. You lose nothing, he’s going anyway and you increase your self esteem by making your choice for you and not clinging and trying to convince..

    Burt acknowledgment of what he is feeling (or NOT feeling) is essential . Accept what he said.Making him wrong for feeling it , by discounting, explaining or convincing will drive him away.

    Good luck! I never knew any of this stuff in the past but I have started to put it together with great results.

  104.  #104Rosa on December 31, 2010 at 7:10 pm


    I finally got rid of toxic G-Man after 5 years!!

    This required learning to do feeling statements and speeches , which meant the old dynamic blew apart.
    It meant that once I was in touch with my long-stuffed toxic feelings , they evaporated .
    When I stopped overfunctioning I got to see clearly what he was giving and what he was capable of and that was not enough for me.

    Then my self esteem got better. It positively unfurled.
    Then i gave him one last try , and he proved truly toxic and I finally let go and ended it..Yaaayyy me!!!!!
    Yaaaaay Rori and Sirens for showing me how…

    AND I got better with communicating my feelings in general to friends and my kids .
    This has helped me a lot .

    Because THEN I got cancer and had huge surgery and coped fine with G-man winging in for an attempted re-run and I STOOD UP TO HIM. Even at my weakest physically i was emotionally strong. Thanks Rori ..
    the most powerful words you said were that I was a junkie on the end of a needle…. 🙂

    Now I am in relationship rehab !!!!!

    This looks like first BF man wanting to date , other CD’s in the offing and its only January 1.

    Its 38 deg C here today , hot sun out, cool inside and I am gathering my thoughts..
    Happy New Year

  105.  #105Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Rosa ~ congratulations to you!!! i just poorly but the best i could broke things off with a toxic guy after a year of toxicity.

    it was just like getting off a drug. my mood swings, crying have all stopped. i wish i could have done it better with the feeling messages and speech but it happened so fast…but the end result, for now, is worth it.

    i still love him and he may be one that can step up in the future but i’m not strong enough inside and don’t at all have any practice at feeling messages and speeches so im going to CD now to practice.

    Happy New Year!

  106.  #106Daria on December 31, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    On the bart train
    Feeling so much joy!

  107.  #107Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Have fun Daria! I’m really missing the Bay this week a lot! I may be back soon!

  108.  #108Daria on December 31, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Love you all ! Super much!

  109.  #109Brenda on December 31, 2010 at 7:37 pm


    RE: #91 – Two hours of sex exercise feels like LOL! And I am taking my time cuz I can’t handle nuthin too strenuous yet. Baby stepping sexercise by gentle but long workouts. Lots of stretches, walking, low level stuff. That’s why two hours. Gotta build up slowly with lots of breaks.

    Been dancing tonight at a party and am in really bad shape after hip injury last year combined with depression over Ry Guy.

  110.  #110Brenda on December 31, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Happy New Year everyone! I love you!

  111.  #111Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Happy New Year Brenda #1

  112.  #112Daria on December 31, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Last year I was jealous of my girl…

    Now its me on the train bravely alone… Went to clubs alone A nd getting met by my brother
    W hohas weed for me!

    M ydreams are comin ttrue!

    T hisis for ronnie weezy mash and j red!

    Love u brothers that loved me!

    An srill do!

    Live w me talk to me love w me! This is my invitayion into my ancestors… I honor you!

  113.  #113Brenda on December 31, 2010 at 7:45 pm


    Happy New Year!

  114.  #114mcgirlygirl on December 31, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Hi Rosa,

    Thank you so much for the posting. It really really helps. I will do nothing. If he calls I assume I should answer?

    During our conversation the other evening I did try to use feeling statements – I tried to lean back and let him tell me what he wanted to say – and responded by saying things such as ‘I feel that if I opened up more we might have a different experience with each other’. We both agreed that we were closed off. Maybe the truth of it is as Rori said – if it’s not right it’s just not right – and it can’t be explained why.

    So just to clarify — do I take his call? Or do I let it go to voicemail?

    -malaikah — thank you for you very kind words. I have felt the entire time that I have been with him, that I was not getting what I needed. I felt insecure and while he was saying the right things (calling me beautiful) and calling every night – when we were together, we would just sit and watch tv – we would talk a bit – but nothing meaningful. I could not tell if he even wanted me there. When I talked to him about it he said he did. We went out twice in 5 weeks – once on our first date to dinner and the other to a movie. He was affectionate, and physically things were ‘ok’ (and I just mean ok) – but I just never felt like he really wanted to be with me. I tried to create a safe way for him to talk to me about it – no drama, just checking in – are you still enjoying spending time together? Would you like to do it again? None of his actions make sense – except that they may if there is someone else in the picture. If that is indeed the case, then I really do not want this person in my life – what he did is not acceptable to me.

    I just wish I knew how to handle this better.

    Thanks everyone – you are helping more than I can express.

  115.  #115Daria on December 31, 2010 at 7:46 pm


  116.  #116Darling Ella on December 31, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    I am NOT Wishing a Good Year to You…Instead
    I WANT the Universe to give U All a Prosperous, Loving, and a Happy New Year 2011!

    I feel forever grateful to Rori for her brilliant vision and insight to achieve emotional freedom as well for her wonderful leadership skills. Thank you Rori 🙂

    I feel extremely happy to think of each and one of you as my sisters 🙂 Love you all 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  117.  #117Rosa on December 31, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    I feel embarrassed and awkward and I have to leave here for a while.

    Something happened with Paul Coelho New Year message .
    I felt it was very appropriate for myself and for my recently un-engaged friend and I sent him a copy .

    Unfortunately I did not scroll down to the end of the message and note that it comes with an automatic link to the blog page it came off.

    Yes he read it and the blog and my entry about him (no 41) and all the rest .

    he already knew about G and all the dramas and there are no burnt bridges really but the awkwardness iI feel is huge.

    Then FB’ed me to tell me he had done so and asked me about it and CD’ing , said he was flattered , then said he would not go on here again.

    He wanted to call but I asked him to give me a couple of days .I feel embarrassed and I feel rushed.
    It was a huge opportunity to sink in to the feelings and express them in writing. I couldnt quite do the phone version yet.

    I wrote the truth here of how I was feeling but I also feel my privacy has been unintentionally invaded (by my own carelessness )

    So i am not going to post for now, but will read any comments.
    Has this happened with anyone else? Unintentionally disclosing all?

    It should feel ok really if one was really comfortable with feeling messages !!!!!! It feels very un-ok right now when there is nothing only possibility ..uughh.
    Its 40 deg heat and I cant concentrate.

    Will return eventually.

  118.  #118Brenda on January 1, 2011 at 12:40 am


    So sorry to hear that .Reminds me of my life’s most embarrassing moment. I had a crush on a community leader. The feeling was mutual, but neither of us had acted on it. He was married.

    I mentioned it at the end of a long email. I carelessly forwarded the email to another friend, for the bulk of the content. Completely forgot my feelings for him were written at the end.

    I had to leave the organization of which he was a leader, which was the center of my social life. I spared his reputation and position by saying I made it all up, and he had nothing to do with my feelings.

    I didn’t give full details so I realize this may not be fully understandable. But not so sure I want to give all the details here. It is a public blog, afterall! 🙂

    I hope all works out smoothly for you, Rosa. Hugs. I am learning to be compassionate with my weak parts.

  119.  #119Brenda on January 1, 2011 at 12:41 am


    RE: #119 – ??

  120.  #120Brenda on January 1, 2011 at 12:46 am

    I’m going to be my best self! Here’s to a fresh start and a new, wonderful me! I am woman! Hear me roar! Hear me Rori! 😆

  121.  #121Rosa on January 1, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Its ok .Brenda

    We talked on the phone.
    He told me integrity and respect are paramount values for him (thats why he told me he saw this ) and he will not go on here again.

    I know him since age 15. These things are true of his character , so I am back. I found expressing the feeling of gross embarrassment caused it to evaporate quickly.

    I dont actually mind as i wrote the truth.

    And anyway , we are just friends with cute memories , and “possible maybe” possibilities…

    We did discuss “need” to have a relationship. And he admits to neediness to not be alone and i admitted to need to have someone who faces those demons and doesnt NEED to have “anyone” but chooses to have the best someone.

    Hmmm..It wouldnt matter if he read that !~ Its all my truth.

    I am interested to see how much i was triggered by him reading my feelings on here when in essence it was only triggering and it really is ok!!!!!!!!!!

    Brenda I am so sorry for how horrivle that must have felt for you and to choose to take the fall like that without coming off as a “victim” …wow I respect you greatly .
    You have a lot of strength AND life experience — heres to you getting it all together in 2011.

    Do you have job prospects yet ? This concerns me for you !

  122.  #122Jennifer on January 1, 2011 at 6:48 am


    Open my email this morning and B emailed me…happy new years. I hope 2011 is a great one for you.
    So I emailed back.
    Happy New Year to you too!
    I feel weird and bad and embarrassed to tell you this cause I’ve enjoyed our emailing lately. When you asked me what I wanted Santa to bring me I thought that meant you were going to get me something.
    I feel really embarrassed.
    I feel good to get your new years email.
    I feel smilie and calm happy.

    Weird not like….odd.
    but weird like ……….hmm…look at that. Thats new.

    Processing about E.
    Who called me FOUR times last night. And texted me as well.
    Thanks to Daria for reminding me that this is a trigger.
    I trigger around receiving.
    Learn to expand my comfort zone.

  123.  #123Jennifer on January 1, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Had a fantastic new years even though I felt crappy.
    Got off work early cause I had pain from cysts.
    Came here to my friend’s house and put on matching jammies. Something about having stylish matched jammies feels so grown up and sophisticated to me.
    Took some pain killer…….yeah pain killer.
    Had a nap.
    Got up
    Ate my face off.
    Tequila lime pulled chicken nachos and fudge brownies with hagen daz ice cream and home made caramel sauce

    Something about carefully made home cooked food makes me so happy.
    Like some body gives a shit

    Played Wii…..and WON! Played with the kids….watched a scary movie and went to bed.
    Well. Ok…the movie was “found footage” genre and made me sea sick so I took a gravol and went to bed.
    Still feeling happy.

    Wonder if this is the gabba suppliments at work.
    Feelin mellow and happy and calm.

  124.  #124mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 7:13 am

    I was really hoping he would would have called last night. But I am starting to see that he is not genuine or even cares about me as a friend – I heard from all of my friends that love me – either directly or fb. It doesn’t take much to send a quick email or text. Or maybe he thought that would send the wrong message. Either way it hurts.

    I still don’t know what to do about answering the phone or not. I do know what my answers are – thanks to you all. Instead I will probably spend the day in bed.

  125.  #125Jennifer on January 1, 2011 at 8:59 am

    B just emailed me.
    It was just a general question….no need to feel weird or embarrassed.


  126.  #126Soul Sista on January 1, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Feeling really Sireny today! woo hoo!

  127.  #127Dorothea on January 1, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Rosa, happy new year pretty girl! Well you can actually google my real name and find me here on this blog because of something i shared once upon a time here. i’m sure most of my dates have done this if they’re good cyber stalkers. most people my age are. however, i post using a fake name, so it’s probably confusing as hell for them. haha. i try not to think about it. i was thinking about changing my name here but i love it and dont really want to.

    it freaked me out at first and it feels exposing, but i guess in the end i don’t care cuz i’m still posting cuz it feels good to me:)

  128.  #128Darling Ella on January 1, 2011 at 9:51 am


    Wow…What a scare :(…Feeling happy though u are staying 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  129.  #129Soul Sista on January 1, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Rosa ~ just keep practicing and you’ll find it doesn’t matter at all! xo

  130.  #130mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    So I now have a date for tomorrow night — courtesy of the internet… we chatted he called and asked me out for drinks. A friend thinks it’s too soon and I should not go.

    Still not sure what to do about the phone call. I wish it still didn’t hurt but it does. Advice?

  131.  #131Ella on January 1, 2011 at 12:36 pm


    Well done for organising a date. 🙂

    My advice would be to completely turn your focus to this date, other men/dates and yourself.

    Maybe write your future letter that Rori mentions in the New Years Intentions post, that made me feel a lot better.

    Remember the intention is to keep the focus on you and moving towards your ideal relationship regardless of any 1 man.

    If you can shift the focus then the energy will shift too and he may call… or he may not…

    But the point is you do not have to worry about this. He is the man so if he chooses to he will do the work. If he chooses not to then there is no relationship, even if that is hard to hear.

    Don’t worry one bit about what he is thinking or whether he likes you or not… that is his business in his head… your job as a woman is just to respond the men who approach you with something.

    That is all assuming that you have chosen to be the feminine, feeling partner in your relationships rather than the masculine, action oriented partner.

    I hope that helps.


  132.  #132mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Hi Ella,

    I am so very afraid I am going to be alone for the rest of my life…

    How do I know if I am the feminine or the masculine? I read through some of that and maybe he is more feminine? I could go either way – I tend to have a strong personality ….

    We left it that he would think about whether we could try opening up and if that would make a difference – since he said he did not feel connected to me – and would call me over the weekend. I just don’t know if I should answer if he calls??? Should I let it go to vm and call him back?

    Your advice and insight (all of you) is so very very much appreciated…. you have no idea….

    Look forward to your feedback….

  133.  #133Ella on January 1, 2011 at 2:45 pm


    Do you have Rori’s e-book? That thoroughly explains about the masculine and feminine energy partners in relationships.

    If u want him to be the traditional masculine role in relationship then he has to do all the work, and most men tend to feel more comfortable with this anyway.

    That means your job is to be the feminine energy and just be and recieve. Also to stay warm and open when he does call.

    So no need to play games by letting it go to voicemail. If you still like this guy pick up when he does lean forward by calling.

    There was also an e-mail from Rori recently about masculine / feminine energy and dating and how to allow a man to feel connected to you by being in your fem energy.

    There are a lot of posts on here to about masc and fem energy.

    Might also be worth reading up on some feeling messages so that you are prepared with how to express yourself if he does get in touch.

    Basically though he has to step up and do the calling / chasing… and you just have to be warm, open and authentic when he does. And tell the truth about how you feel when he does call in the moment ie: I feel really excited to hear from you however I feel a bit distant from you due to our last conversation… or whatever it is you feel in the moment.

    If he is still telling you he is not sure though I would come off the phone pronto. And then don’t wait around for him. Just start seeing other guys…

    I hope this helps and maybe some other Sirens will have some stuff to add.

  134.  #134mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Hi Ella,

    Yes I do and I have read through it once and have started at the beginning now going through it again with a journal.

    My question was around what if he is just naturally more of a feminine energy? He always called – every night in fact – but as I look back, he never really initiated getting together. I guess there is nothing I can do about it now. Like you said, if he calls, it’s my job to lean back and listen and be open. If he says he has thought about it and he doesn’t think it will work, my plan is to just say – ok you’re right and end the call. Are their guidelines around him wanting to stay friends? Do I say yes to that and be ok with it?

    It’s great to have this forum with all of you sirens… It makes one feel not so alone in all of this hurt.


  135.  #135Ella on January 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm


    If you like him romantically I would not say yes to friendship.

    There is some stuff on here about that…

    It is about not taking crumbs when what you actually want is a romantic relationship.

  136.  #136mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Ella – thank you. Your guidance right now (and everyone’s) is invaluable!

    I will not accept crumbs when I want a relationship.

    Is it ok to decide that you don’t want a relationship with someone?

  137.  #137Ella on January 1, 2011 at 3:25 pm


    You are ver welcome! 🙂

    Of course it is fine for you to decide that you do not want a relationship with someone. In fact you may make this decision several times when you are CD-ing.

    As long as you are being true to your real feelings and what you really want!


  138.  #138mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Ok excellent to know. I am going to see if I can find the information on friendship — I don’t want to him to feel that I am closed and not warm and open to him if I turn him down though. But I do know that I (and I am sure others before me) have accepted friendship hoping that they will ‘come around’. I don’t want to make that mistake again – it can make the hurt last longer and longer.

    One other question (sorry for all the questions!) Is there advice for internet dating? Is it ok for me to reach out to someone first? I was thinking that a flirt or a quick note replaces the ‘look someone in the eye for 5 seconds’ idea….

    This year I want to get married and have a baby! I am so scared that this will never happen because of my age … But I want to stay positive! I will do everything I can to meet someone – and am willing to even relocate if it’s the right thing…. It’s about achieving my dream of having a good healthy relationship.


  139.  #139Soul Sista on January 1, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    @mcgirlygirl ~ it’s exciting to see you come and start practicing with us! it’s also my wish to be married this year and have a baby asap…i’m 43! i’m also nuts! ha ha

    no really, i went from feeling scared about finding a man or convincing the one i was involved with to hurry up to feeling FREE and FUN!

    i just started wading through a bunch of guys online i would never actually want to meet when all of a sudden a HOT & SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur contacted me! i live in a very rural area with my mom to be with her because she just became widowed 4 weeks ago so online is really my only option right now.

    i don’t know what’s gonna happen but it FEELS GOOD!

  140.  #140Jennifer on January 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    um….why when a guy asks you when you are available and you tell him thursday does he think it’s ok to ask?
    Do you have a bunch of other dates before then?

  141.  #141mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    @Soul Sista – I am sorry about the loss for your mom and you family. It’s a hard time of year to go through it (though there is not really a good time…)

    I am just behind you in the age category … so I am really feeling the pressure. Guy and I talked about both wanting to get married and start a family (this is in reference to him saying we both want the same things long and short term) and probably why I am so hurt by everything that has happened. I am not sure about this guy I am going on a date with tomorrow – but I figure it’s better than being at home alone and not interacting with anyone. I am also heavy (which I am working on) and that really takes a toll on my self esteem and what I am willing to settle for. I have had more than one guy tell me – you are great in a lot of ways – you are just too heavy. Or – call me when you have finished losing your weight’. Those statements (while shallow and asinine) really do hurt and end up taking a toll.

  142.  #142Soul Sista on January 1, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    @mcgirlygirl ~ looking forward to hearing how you feel if you decide to go on the date!

  143.  #143LonePlum on January 1, 2011 at 4:41 pm

  144.  #144mcgirlygirl on January 1, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    thank you!!

    I have a dumb question… if I am CDing, how does that work on the intimacy side? Is it usually that one person stands out more than the others?

    I am assuming that others have tried CDing and it works? I can not even imagine doing this right now – I am too insecure normally for anything like this….

  145.  #145Brenda on January 2, 2011 at 2:55 am


    RE: #125 – Thank you! I have a lot of good job leads and I’ve sent my resume. So far one interview and no job offers. Thanks!

  146.  #146Brenda on January 2, 2011 at 3:01 am

    It’s 6 am. And I’m still awake. What’s wrong with this picture?

  147.  #147mcgirlygirl on January 2, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    So very very sad today. Not sure why even. I keep trying to push the negative thoughts out of my head… but they keep coming. I have not heard from him but at this point I am not even sure that matters any more. If he has to take this long to decide if I am worth trying to open up with – then he’s an idiot.

    I am trying to stay positive and remember that I am awesome and fun and warm and kind and intelligent and that anyone would be lucky to have me. I just seem to keep attracting guys I am not interested in (we really don’t have anything in common) but I don’t seem to be having any luck attracting the ‘right’ kind of guy…

    I am pretty sure I am not supposed to be ready to give up by Jan 2.

  148.  #148mcgirlygirl on January 2, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Well, guy who asked me out on a date for tonight never called. He emailed me first thing this am saying that he wanted to call but thought it was too early (9:30 am) and was I ready for our date? He called mid-afternoon and I had to call him back as I was driving — and we talked for a while and then he said he was going off to work for a bit and to call him later. I responded with sure – or call me when you are done – and he never did.

    So now I am left again (by the way a huge huge trigger for me) with just silence. Guy who prompted me to find Rori’s program in the first place (who is apparently still thinking about things) never called. His loss. His loss. His loss.


  149.  #149Jim on January 2, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    154: mcg…

    “Suggestions?” Absolutely.

    Block him.

    Hunt him down and have him killed, more than once…!!

    Call him a little girl…


    Let him continue to think & think & think & think….
    Thinking…. still thinking…..
    While he’s thinking, you live!! 🙂

  150.  #150Jim on January 2, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    BTW ladies, I’m back! HI!!

    Anybody miss me?

  151.  #151mcgirlygirl on January 2, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Thanks Jim!

    I wish I could feel better about all of this – but I know I will — it will get better… it will get better.

    I am trying to live my life — made plans with a girlfriend for coffee – and plan on going to my first yoga class tomorrow…. You never know where you are going to meet someone — right??

    I am still sad that someone has not called. His loss. His loss. His loss. My new mantra……

  152.  #152Brenda on January 2, 2011 at 7:52 pm


    RE: #155 – LOL! You’re a breath of fresh air! TY for adding humor to our woes!

  153.  #153Brenda on January 2, 2011 at 7:53 pm


    RE: #156 – I missed you Jimmy!

  154.  #154Jim on January 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Right on Brenda!! 🙂

  155.  #155Jim on January 2, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    I want to know who puts the smiley faces on my comments? Or is it an electro magnetic magnetism thing and they just gravitate to comments….?

    Now I’m blonde, bald, beautiful and stumped by the Happy Faces.. So much joy!!

    When I’m talking to people in person, they don’t just appear out of nowhere… Well… Not unless i smile first.

  156.  #156Brenda on January 2, 2011 at 9:26 pm


    Did you add a colon : dash – and parenthese ) after your words? If so, the blog turns it into a smiley face. You can make other stuff, too, like a Laugh Out Loud by typing colon : LOL and colon : 😆 or a cool dude with sunglasses by typing 8 then paarenthese 8)

  157.  #157Jim on January 2, 2011 at 9:28 pm


    Thanks Brenda!

  158.  #158Jim on January 2, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    TaDaaa!! 8)
    It’s magic!!

  159.  #159Jim on January 2, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    158 & 9: Brenda,


    Life is good.
    Are you going to comment on my email?


  160.  #160Brenda on January 2, 2011 at 10:04 pm


    You’re welcome! LOL! I just answered it…

  161.  #161LonePlum on January 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm

  162.  #162mcgirlygirl on January 3, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    LonePlum – thank you so much… I feel like I have to read everything more than once… lol – usually not the case for me – but I seem to be having trouble grasping how to exactly work through this….

    So I have been trying to make plans with friends and talking to different men – I now have two dates set up for this week and also plans with a friend to go to a singles event. I reactivated my online profiles (just 2 of them) and also have extensively emailed with someone with whom I am supposed to chat with tonight.

    My concern is this – I am great on the phone (or so they tell me – can’t wait to meet me etc.) but then in person… I am afraid I am going to blow it. So I am leery of actually meeting. What if I blow it?

  163.  #163Amy on January 5, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Hi ladies,

    I am new to this forum, but I wanted to ask for some ideas on how to move on from the past and start fresh with my boyfriend (we were together 5 years). We are currently not together, but we are working on trying to get back together. However, I find myself going back to the past alot in my head. Feeling bad about getting angry when he wouldn’t come home at night and finally setting the boundary that I wouldn’t take his behavior any longer and I moved out. He was going through a lot in his life with not being able to work because of the economy, the stress of a new house and the stress of us living together(or with anyone) for the first time; however, I know this is no excuse for his behavior and that is why I left. I wish I had Rori’s ebook then because I think things could have been worked out a little better. Instead of expressing how I felt, I would get angry and feel disrespected and alone. We are slowly getting back to feeling good in our relationship and I am using Feeling Messages all the time and it seems to be working. However, the other night, he did say that he feels like I took him for granted when we lived together and that is why we can’t move forward yet. I told him that I feel sad that he feels like that because that was never my intention. I said that I felt a lot of stress and pressure for what life was throwing between us and I did not know how to feel or what to do about it. I said I feel like we were pushing each other away instead of coming together. He responded nicely to this, but I still find myself thinking about the past and feeling guilty. How do I stop this negative feeling?


  164.  #164Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Hi Amy,

    What I understand is feel your feelings and use self talk. Tell yourself or your negative voice that you hear it you love and respect it butthat is not the way you think anymore. Just noticing the feeling helps it to subside. Also I use self talk such as I am a fabulous person that everybody loves and men want to be around.

  165.  #165Amy on January 5, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Hi feminiewoman,

    Thank you! I have been trying REALLY hard to use self talk and just go with the feeling I have. I keep telling myself that even though I made mistakes that I am working at doing things differently going forward and that I can’t change the past. I feel guilty because I love him so much and don’t want him to feel bad for sometime I made have done, but I know that I can’t control his reaction or how HE feels about something. I am taking baby steps and hopefully this path will be the one I am suppose to go on.

  166.  #166Femininewoman on January 5, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Remember also that this is a PROCESS and it will not happen overnight. I know because I am there too. I keep hanging in there and from day to day my feelings change and it changes my vibe. With the change of the vibe guys around me respond and even comment so I know that something is working. One thing I can encourage you to do is be patient with yourself and be okay with making mistakes, it is a part of life. You will eventually get to where you want to get, in the meantime just be okay with whatever happens. Always wonder about what is taking place in your life and look for the lesson or the message.

  167.  #167Amy on January 5, 2011 at 9:21 am

    @ Femininewoman: “One thing I can encourage you to do is be patient with yourself and be okay with making mistakes” OMG, this is something I completely need to be comfortable with. I am 1. just learning to be patient and realizing that anything that is going to be permanent isn’t going to happen overnight and 2. I need to learn to be ok with making mistakes. I want don’t know if I want to come across as perfect, but I don’t want to have my mistakes used against me. That is how I felt when he said that he felt like I took him for granted and that is why we can’t move forward right now…I felt like the mistakes I made when we were going through those bad times were being used against me and he isn’t seeing the process I am making now. (BTW He is making progress too, but in his actions not so much in words).

  168.  #168Soul Sista on January 6, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Here’s how to talk to a man…LOL

    How to talk like Yoda

    in four easy steps

    Talking like Jedi Master Yoda is a fun and easy way to talk to a man. His unique style of reversing the words in a sentence are easily understood by men, or at least with give them a chuckle.

    Here’s How:
    1. Take the first two or three words of a sentence, and just add them to the end. For example: ‘You will find what you are looking for’ turns into ‘Find what you are looking for, you will.’
    2. Rearranging the negative in a sentences works very well. For example: ‘I will not help you’ turns into ‘I will help you not.’ Avoiding contractions will help in this — ‘I can’t go there’ turns into ‘Go there, I can not.’
    3. Adding a ‘hmmmm…’ at the end of an altered question. For example, ‘Do you know what I am talking about?’ turns into ‘Know what I am talking about, do you? Hmmm…?’
    4. Adding a ‘yes’ to an altered statement. For example: ‘You are here for my help’ turns into ‘Here for my help, you are… yes…’

    (adapted from Yoda Jeff

  169.  #169Violet on January 6, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    This is my first time on this site and found the comments to be enlightening.
    I had already decided to love the person I am.
    ‘Flipping’ neg. thoughts/actions is a process I will start now.

    I will attend a singles dance this Sat., Jan. 8th and would appreciate suggestions that are easy to implement in regards to attracting the right kind of man.

    Thank you for such inspiration! I welcome you as sisters in spirit and truth.

    Question: What is CD?

  170.  #170Violet on January 7, 2011 at 5:05 am

    Here’s a saying applicable to almost any negative situation:

    ” If you don’t like the way things are, then change the way you think! ”

    I had an epiphany! The crux of ‘Change Your Words’ philosophy (for me) is that I create the atmosphere to be who I am. I feel fantastic in knowing this!

    I lean back, relax, and let good things come to me!
    They are coming to me now!

    Negative is ‘flipped’ to an opportunity for growth!
    I am growing now!

    Being ‘hard on myself’ is flipped to loving myself for who I am!
    I love who I am, now!

  171.  #171Rori Raye on January 7, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Go Violet! Love, Rori

  172.  #172mcgirlygirl on January 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

    So I finally had a date last night with one someone I thought would be a good fit. We had had 2 long phone conversations which flowed really well.

    The date lasted almost 4 hours — no awkward silences – just easy and then calling it a night.

    I got no signal from him that he would like to do it again or talk or anything. I assume I should lean back and let him call me? He actually talked about the whole ‘girls lean back here in MTL’ and he didn’t like it or thought it ‘played a game’. Either way, I believe I should wait for him to call me I assume? And if he doesn’t then … it’s on the next – right?

    I am so not good at any of this stuff …. help!

  173.  #173LonePlum on January 7, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    178: mcgirlygirl

    On Monday, you were afraid to show on a real date
    Today you feel good about how the date went

    As simple as

    The anguish is optional, you take it on board or you don’t, but the trip goes on 😉

    Yes I find the same situation. Some men obviously expect me to make them feel wanted. It turns me off, I let go
    I understand them, yet I vote for ME.
    The man is the giver
    If he really wants me, he will be happy to feel my true appreciation when he gives me.
    That’s for a start

    Yes, if he plays game, waiting for you to call, he is not truly interested in honouring you.
    Next!… as you say 🙂
    But even if he calls, keep dating others, give yourself time to experiment


  174.  #174Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    LonePlum 179 ~ this is how I feel…i feel anguish my I’m going on a date tonight just to see how i feel after.

    i realize i am out of practice in receiving from men. my logical mind cannot see AT ALL how going out with some 47 year old fireman is going to help. but i’m going anyway and i know when the time comes, i will be a charming date and it will be fine.

    i did do something that i needed to do…i am taking at least 2 months off from working on music with the guy i just broke things off with. i need to completely detox from him. i GAVE wayyyyy too much, always there no matter what to do whatever he wanted with no matter for what i needed, ever.

    i don’t want to work on anything with him so i’m not.

  175.  #175LonePlum on January 7, 2011 at 12:26 pm

  176.  #176Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    thanks LP…i read a lot of it and i’m going to baby step my way through this as an experiment.

    i did let music man know i’m not available for a couple months. i need to get him as out of my hair as much as possible…the music we did is just too close for comfort. he was nice about it so i feel relieved.

  177.  #177LonePlum on January 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    From Rori’s Weekly Letter

    ****If you can look at Circular Dating as
    gathering data instead of as trying to make
    something happen, you’ll move much faster, feel
    much better and actually have fun!

    Circular Dating is a mindset, a complete sort
    of “reframing” of the whole idea of “dating,” an
    attitude, with a very nuts-and-bolts way of
    working your life in public.

    The idea is to use this Tool with every man you
    meet as an opportunity to learn more about what
    you want in a relationship WHILE attracting the
    right man to you.

    You can learn how to Circular Date,
    step-by-step, in my program Targeting Mr. Right:

    Here are some ways to think about how to USE
    men in your life to HELP you – instead of trying
    to “get” from them the love, affection, attention
    and commitment they should actually be REQUIRED
    to WANT to give to you in order to have the
    privilege of being with you:

    1. Keep reinforcing the mental and intellectual
    idea in your MIND that Circular Dating will help
    you UNDO your old patterns.

    The idea is: Your old ways of thinking,
    feeling and responding to men – the way you’ve
    been trained to “be” with men – have all been
    working AGAINST you.

    You want to jettison some of your old systems
    of relating and responding and speaking and doing
    and being, and you want to shift some of them.
    And some you want to completely reverse.

    And still, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for
    those things you’ve been thinking, doing and

    We don’t want to judge them – we want to BUILD
    WITH them, to USE what you’ve already got in your
    personal warehouse. To FIND a way to use them. We
    want to use EVERYTHING you’ve ever learned, ever
    known, ever seen, ever experienced – to HELP you
    get to a NEW place.

    We want to make MORE of you – not less.

    For instance, if you’re going on a car journey
    then knowing how to drive is helpful (even if you
    have to re-learn and re-do some driving

    2. Keep convincing YOURSELF of the elegance of
    this fact: that to undo old patterns that aren’t
    working, you have to discover and uncover those

    What you’re going for here is a string of
    “aha” moments.

    Convince yourself of the truth that getting
    information and analyzing will do you only so
    much good. ( We all know how frustrating it is to
    KNOW something but just not be able to shift

    Make it up, if you have to, until you have the
    actual EVIDENCE (and you will, quickly, as you
    Circular Date with this new mindset) to keep you
    going – that these new patterns will be true for

    3. To undo the patterns once you’ve discovered
    them, you have to EXPERIENCE the little
    discoveries with your whole mind/heart/body/

    This means you have to:

    >>>Welcome – in fact INVITE – being triggered.

    >>>Be constantly in “investigation” mode.

    Ask yourself questions like “how do I feel?”
    and “why am I here” and “who is this man and why
    is he here in front of me?”

    >>>You have to catch when you’re giving to

    That’s because your being a “giving” person
    will make any man who is a natural “giver” NOT
    be attracted to you!

    A man who wants to give needs a woman who is
    willing to receive. And for most of us, love only
    feels like it’s happening when we give.

    And so we have to practice.

    4. Circular Dating is all about your practice.

    >>>First – simply practice NOT giving (this is
    where the “toads” come in very, very handy for
    practice, because it makes not giving easier,
    less intense, less scary).

    >>>Then, you practice RECEIVING – which looks
    and feels like you opening your heart.

    (This step requires a man a little more
    attractive to you than a “toad” – but not so
    attractive that it makes opening your heart too
    intense, chancy and scary.)

    So, again, you don’t really need your dream
    man to show up right away for your practice. (He
    will when you least expect it, and you won’t
    likely recognize him as your dream man right
    off anyway.) The thing here is for you to NOT
    stop practicing when he shows up (or when you
    think it’s him showing up).

    This is a lifetime practice.

    And all along the way of practice:

    5. You’re going to feel stuff.

    You’re going to feel stuff you want to feel
    (thrills and chills and fun).

    And you’ll also feel stuff you don’t want to
    feel, like grief. That’s because as things
    change and you start down different roads that
    will lead you to new, love-filled places…you
    feel in limbo, in transit. You feel grief for the
    old road. Really, truly, we do feel grief at
    leaving our old roads behind. This is completely

    That’s why:

    6. Circular Dating is “school.”

    It’s “Love 101.” It’s “How did I get to this
    place marked “No Love”, and how do I switch
    course and get myself to the place marked “Plenty
    of Love?”

    Forever is just a bunch of moments strung
    together. One after the other. And the only way
    to experience that is to start treasuring the
    experiencing of MOMENTS. Each one, one at a time.

    So, if you have an experience with a man –
    even a 10-second encounter – I want you to HONOR
    that. I want you to investigate what went on
    during those 10 seconds and be curious about what
    happened, about the man, and about you. The way
    to break the old patterns of behavior is to try
    new ones.

    And then, yes, you’ve opened up a new door in
    the pathways of your life.

    You’ve opened up a place where you can choose
    between behaviors where there may never have been
    a choice before.

    Yes, you may be attracted to “bad boys,” you
    might go down some wrong roads, you may get
    stuck, you may go so far into great new things
    you scare yourself silly. But you can choose to
    not feel helpless before all that and just keep
    going to Circular Dating School.

    It’s a home study course, and you are the
    teacher, the manager and the student. Love is
    your field of interest, and men are in the field.

    Men are all in the laboratory out there, and
    because they’re participating with you in your
    home study course, they are both the elements of
    it, the experiment of it, the study subjects of
    it and your teachers of it, your free therapists
    of it, your providers of experience of it, your
    study partners of it, your messengers of it, your
    school friends of it, your lovers of it.

    They’re the backdrop and the action and the
    population of your “story” every moment of every

    Use them as they wish to be used – for the
    good of love and for the good of you. If you’re
    always practicing speaking the truth, then what
    is good for love and good for you will be good
    for them, too.*****


  178.  #178Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    Thanks LP ~ i’m gonna go take a bath and cry. Then get ready for my date.

  179.  #179LonePlum on January 7, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    awww Soul Sista, hug your mummy and make yourself pretty, you will be just fine

    Toads make it easier to practice the “non giving” so that you know how it feels to lean back when your Mr Right meets you.
    Once you get used to lean back, you will be so naturally receiving, that Mr Right will be attracted to you and you won’t blow it by jumping on giving again.

    And you need to speak your truth to many men before you find what is your real truth, really, and what words work and what words chase them away.

    That’s how your fire man will help you today.
    He is the opening line of your new opera 😉

    Have a good date


  180.  #180Jim on January 7, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    184: SS

    All is well and right. Have fun tonight!!

    Remember when your out with him tonight.

    I’m here, right now, and I’m alive and beautiful, so is he.

    What a beautiful place to start.

    As for the rest of you? BACK TO WORK, NOW!!!


  181.  #181Mcgirlygirl on January 7, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Hi …. Question: do I call or email or text and say Thank you for last night? We went to a great lounge and he paid for drinks (we had 8) so it wasn’t inexpensive…. And I certainly don’t want to be ungrateful or rude. But I also don’t want to screw things up if he is going to call …..


  182.  #182Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    mcgirl ~ i am also curious the answer you get…

    in my experience…i always get a call or text or whatever from THE GUY – THANKING ME for going out with them. a lot of guys are lonely and if like you they will feel honored that you chose them to spend time with.

    the last guy i went out with gave me the keys to his vacant house because i had to move out of where i was living quickly. guy before that gave me a job. good men like to give.

    because i have not been consistent with circular dating i haven’t played it out in a while…but i think i’m starting to get it.

    i think i also have a date to go bowling tomorrow.

  183.  #183malaikah on January 7, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    SoulSista, Mcgirl;

    Personally, I think it depends on your vibe… if you really had a great time, then I think it’s fine to let him know that… It’s not about thanking/giving him anything, but about expressing yourself 🙂
    (atleast to me, anyway! Plus, if a man knows you felt good with him, then he’ll feel good- that’s what he wants at the end of the day)

    Hope that helps!

  184.  #184Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    malaikah ~ where does Rori say that and why?

  185.  #185malaikah on January 7, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I’m not too sure of where she says it if she does… but going on the idea of saying how you feel, freely and without expecting anything in return? I can’t quite remember where she wrote that, I think it was mentioned in Modern Siren.

    I don’t think there’s a “rule” as such; but if you do what feels good to you, then you can’t go wrong 🙂

  186.  #186LonePlum on January 7, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    187 Mcgirlygirl

    Well, regular education wants for a man to thank the lady for the good time he spent with her.
    Some even send flowers the following day.
    It goes in the line of the man is happy to have had a chance to feel a man by pampering a woman

    You probably already said “good bye and thank you for the lovely evening” when you left him.
    It is enough

    As for the money he spent, stop thinking of it, that’s the old pattern.
    You are over functioning, you are minding his business instead of yours.
    Trust your dates to know how to handle their money and to chose what they can afford
    If they spent too much for what they can afford, it is their problem, not yours. You are not responsible if they are “fakes”.

    You did not ask him to do anything, he did what he was happy to do for his own happiness

    It was only a couple of drinks.
    Your worthiness is above a couple of drinks!
    He could sense that you don’t feel you deserve his attention at all and you feel grateful that he made you a favour or something like that.

    Wait for him to contact you.
    If he mentions the evening you shared, then you can say it was lovely, you loved the place or something, but don’t over do it.

    Breath, relax lol
    You are doing fine, leave him space to feel if he wants to contact you again .


  187.  #187Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    malaikah ~ i’m gonna really, totally disagree. because CD is about changing patterns and LEARNING what your truth is.

    haven’t you ever done something with a guy that felt good in the moment then you realized it totally backfired! and you had no idea why??? ugh…i shudder to think.

    that is why i had a splitting headache thinking about this date today. Lone Plum posted for me/us some very specific information from that helped me see what i was doing and why. i feel a hundred times better now…i’m leaving in about a 1/2 hour.

    as far as i can see from her posts mcgirl is starting to CD. i am only taking advice from Rori and listening to the experiences of women that have successfully CD’d.

  188.  #188malaikah on January 7, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Hmm… that post triggers me. I feel sad.

    And I don’t feel I explained what I meant correctly… Personally, it’s about expressing your own feelings, so not a thankyou, because he should be grateful that you chose to spend time with him.

    I don’t contact men after dates to thank them, as that to me feels like I’m initiating or overfunctioning.

    And, I really hope your date goes well. Have fun!

  189.  #189Soul Sista on January 7, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    malaikah ~ this date is triggering me! LOL

  190.  #190malaikah on January 7, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Soul Sista: This movie is triggering me! (Love and Other Drugs) *dreamy sigh* romcoms never fail to touch me 😉

    Care to riff?

  191.  #191Mcgirlygirl on January 7, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Malaikah @196 – that movie was great! I really enjoyed it.

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart – I feel blessed to have your insight and that you share your experiences with me!!

    I feel ok with not calling – it would be over functioning. I feel happy that I enjoyed myself for 4 hours and we had good intelligent discourse and laughed. I forgive myself for flirting overtly.

    I just finished my first hot yoga class which will help me get back into a physical shape that I will be more comflortable in. I am proud of myself for taking the first step.

    I accepted a date for tomorrow evening. Moving forward!

  192.  #192Soul Sista on January 8, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Lone Plum, mcgirl, malakaih & all ~

    My date last night was fun! i’m so ready to receive. on the surface he seems to be a pretty goofy Idaho guy…not my type at all….but on the inside a warm and caring human being.

    when we got to the restaurant he looked at me and said “i don’t think i’ve thanked you yet.” (i thought of you ladies and had a huge grin on my face) i said “for what?” he said “for going out with me.” i said “you’re welcome.” and giggled.

    i feel like i’m winning lottery scratch tickets and i’m on the way to winning the BIG jackpot. this is so fun 🙂

  193.  #193mcgirlygirl on January 8, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Soul Sista – that is wonderful news. I am so please to hear that!

    Today I am feeling a bit sore from yoga – which I like!

    I am feeling very disappointed that i have not heard from ‘a’ — but I have a date with guy ‘b’ (not a reflection of order but rather just an identifier). I thought we had a lot of fun and enjoyment and it lasted long for a first date! Trying to stay positive but am disappointed. Feeling what I am feeling.

  194.  #194Soul Sista on January 8, 2011 at 11:37 am

    mcgirl ~ just keep CD’ng 🙂 i’m going bowling at 4…to hell with my nails 1/2 are broken anyway…lol

  195.  #195mcgirlygirl on January 8, 2011 at 11:43 am

    I am trying. I just don’t know how to make the sadness go away. But it’s a valid feeling. I am not closing myself off – still trying to keep open to new possibilities — and who knows maybe he will call. Our date was Thursday. All I know is that I didn’t call.

    Have fun bowling. I am on my way to meet girlfriends for coffee.. 🙂

  196.  #196Lorelei on January 8, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Mcgirlygirl @ 187

    Hi – I know the feeling of ‘needing to send a thank you’ the next day, as I would after a meal at someone’s house, or a stay. Anyone other than a man. I’m pretty sure that RR say don’t send thank yous the next day.

    What i do is to express appreciation in the moment, on the date, and RR is very keen on this. If he holds the door open, gets a chair, helps with my coat, bring the drinks over, I say “thank you” with a smile. If it’s drink/coffee/meal/whatever, I might express appreciation for his choice of venue – “This was a great choice for where we go – thank you”. And at the end of the meal, say, after he has paid, as we’re leaving the venue, I say “Thanks for that – I feel x . .” or “Thank you, that was lovely/interesting/exciting/delicious food.” Plus a feeling message if I can think of one.

    After all that appreciation in the moment, when appropriate, and at the time it’s happening, I don’t
    feel the need to send a follow-up thank you afterwards.

  197.  #197malaikah on January 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Mcgirl: Agreed! It go me all dreamy eyed… =)
    Also, I do know the feeling of hoping that a certain someone would contact you after a date.. but it is most definitely his loss!
    I think what CD-ing will show you is the variety of men who are interested and attracted to you as a woman, and it may well surprise you! Plus, it’ll serve to get you less hooked on that one man.

    I’m not currently CD-ing myself as I’m only at college and focussing on getting into university (I dropped out of a Pharmacy degree after two years, and am now following my heart by studying English)
    Life right now us amazing!
    I’ve been following Rori for a while, but only bought Modern Siren a week ago… it’s really helping to built up that solid foundation within so I can be soft and vulnerable on the outside.

    Only a few days ago, I found out I had two “admirers” at work… Thee hilarious thing is that one of the guys asked my manager to talk to me on his behalf, asking me whether I was interested in looking for a potential husband and whether I was interested…
    The look on my face must have been classic! I stood there looking at my manager for about twenty seconds, was gobsmacked!
    I felt shaky and trapped… the guy himself, I feel ICK around, because I could sense that he liked me, and I have no interest in him. I know Rori says to look at all men as someone you can learn from, but his accent is so srong, I can’t understand him properly. Even if he asked me on a date, I probably wouldn’t be able to understand him. And for him to ask our manager to speak to me on his behalf?! I’m sure he’s shy, but I want a man who not only has had atleast one decent conversation with me beforehand, but a man who can treat me with some dignity, before he even thinks about me as potential wife material!

    I felt UGH- like I wasn’t even a person. undervalued and just yucky.

    (To clear up confusion, I’m asian, and the way we go abt relationships is quite different… Instead of dating, families who know of your family, who have sons, will ask about the daughter. the girl and boy meet and talk, if they get on, they meet up a few more times, and decide if there is potential and compatibility in getting married. If so, they get engaged and get married a few months later. Hopefully they’ll fall in love.

    Which is absolute crap in my opinion! There’s so much presssure involved! I feel sad and squished up and sad and bad and weird just thinking about it. I want to fall in love! I want to meet someone, fall for him, and love him so much that I WANT to give up my freedom an independence to be in a relationship!

    (I love being a free spirit and flirting without being in a relationship… it’s so much fun 😉 YAY for CD-ing!)

    Also, SoulSista: I’m happy for you! You go girl, this is what it’s all about, making you realise what a goddess you are!

    Re Lorelei: I understand where you’re coming from. During the date, if I felt good, I’d tell him so. But I wouldn’t thank him. He should be thanking me for giving him my time! Because, I feel good knowing I feel good. He feels good knowing I feel good and so he feels good i.e. it boosts his ego =)

  198.  #198Lorelei on January 8, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Malaikah @ 203

    I feel curious about why you wouldn’t thank man for a courtesy. Is this a cultural difference? RR is really clear that we sirens express appreciation and thanks, as well as feeling messages, even if we do also feel he’s only doing his job!

  199.  #199Soul Sista on January 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Lorelei ~ because you already thanked him during the actual courtesy. you don’t have to call/email/text/send smoke signals/whatever the next day and thank him again. because…

    men like to feel the appreciation in the moment, from what i understand, and want our feelings to be expressed in the moment…same thing with our not so pleasant feelings…expressing feelings after the fact seems to be a turn off.

  200.  #200malaikah on January 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I’d feel more comfortable simply saying “I had a really great time tonight” or in the moment, something along the lines of “I’m having so much fun, I feel really comfortable with you”.

    As a Siren, you already know your selfworth, you already know that you deserve to be treated well, and if a man is given the opportunity to spend time with you, he should be thankful. That’s what it means to me. A man hasn’t really done anything for you by going out on a date with you, so why should you be thankful?

  201.  #201Mcgirlygirl on January 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Well the good news is that I did express thank you in the moment. He askednif I liked the place and i responded positively.

    I wish I knew what it was that didn’t work – maybe it was my approach? Maybe it was my ridiculous comment about my breasts or certain sexual things that are important to me. I blame the martinis ;( I am sure that it is tied into my self worth …

    So guy b changed plans again. I am going to take a bath.

    What do I do when someone changes plans?

  202.  #202Soul Sista on January 8, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    mcgirl ~ gosh…from what i understand it doesn’t work that way…i’m not CD’ng and using the tools to try and get a specific guy even though i may think i’m really attracted to or even in love with a guy…which i am still in love with a guy. it’s to raise my vibe and my degree of difficulty. pining over a guy is going in the wrong direction.

    what you are describing…feels bad. what snapped me out of the whole thing is i asked myself ~ “do i feel good or do i feel bad?”

    it doesn’t matter why a man hasn’t called me back…if i’m feeling bad i need to focus on me, do the things that make me happy, reinvent myself if need be, keep cd’ng.

  203.  #203Mcgirlygirl on January 8, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Soul Sista ~ but what if I keep just getting first dates only and no others? Should I look st why that might be? I assume we all have a role to play in the interactions – and my job is to be open and happy (by making myself happy first) and then that will radiate naturally (at least I think so!).

    Or do I have it completely wrong?

  204.  #204Soul Sista on January 8, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    “that will radiate naturally” keep cd’ng…i’m having so much fun it don’t matter…

    i gotta go to watch a movie with my momma but i’ll be back tomorrow! xoxoxoxoxxoo

  205.  #205LonePlum on January 9, 2011 at 6:43 am


    I totally agree with Soul Sista

    Enjoy yourself while you date around.
    Whatever felt bad, work on it for you to feel good.
    Whatever felt good, well good for you and forget about the men who don’t call back. You will feel good again with other men.

    You might have to date 100 men before you meet your Mr Right.
    When you feel disheartened, remember it takes only ONE.
    Therefore ALL the other men are not Mr Right.
    Let them go when they go. Welcome the ones who like to stay. Enjoy the moment.
    If you are logical about this, Mr Right can not possibly be among the ones who go. So it really is a waste of time to wonder about the one who is gone.

    As for the men who don’t follow after making plans for a date.
    Don’t move either, for the same reason.
    They don’t exist in your real life, you have never met them, so you really should not give them a thought. Only God knows why they change their mind. It happens and that’s all.
    Check if you leaned forward in the communication you had with them. Just so you learn, but don’t worry over them. They give space for new men.

    I also agree with YOU.
    At the beginning, after each date we get that intuition that we said such and such when really it was not lined up with what we were feeling.
    Or that we felt real good but did not express it well enough.
    Or that we showed our insecurities and we wonder why we did that.
    Or we acted like if we were speaking to a girl friend. And yet, even with a girl friend, why would we put ourselves down? Or why would we try to impress?
    That’s a good opportunity to learn about ourselves and to transform into a happier person

    For example, a few posts above you say
    “I forgive myself for flirting overtly. “
    Whatever “flirting overtly” means, don’t feel sorry, because thanks to that, you noticed you are using a “feel bad” communication style.
    You can now work on it.

    You also said
    “Maybe it was my ridiculous comment about my breasts or certain sexual things that are important to me. I blame the martinis ;( I am sure that it is tied into my self worth … “
    I would say you learnt plenty from a first date
    Wow! Plenty!

    Your own questioning is telling you that your referred to your body in a “feel bad” way.
    So you can now work on respecting/liking yourself.
    And it is also telling you that sex might be what you are focusing on?

    It is also telling you that you might want to avoid drinks on dates ? Looooool
    I personally don’t drink more than one glass of wine during a date, and it has to be while we have dinner.

    Now, it is possible Mr A got you just fine and will call within a week or 2.
    He might be dating around, experimenting new women, and waiting to FEEL which one he would like to pursue.

    Or he could be trying to not show as needy, so he waits as long as possible before he calls

    Or he liked you all right, but you and him don’t want the same type of life so he moved on.

    Or he is married and his wife caught him loool

    Thousands possible reasons for his silence.

    There is no point in wondering why he is not calling, the point is: he is not in your real life, so: next.
    If he ever reappears, you will see what you feel then.

    It is about working on yourself for you to feel so good that you do not feel rejected or guilty or worthless when a man vanishes.
    It is all only a question of preferences and circumstances.

    Keep in mind IT TAKES ONLY ONE 🙂


  206.  #206Soul Sista on January 9, 2011 at 8:22 am

    mcgirl ~ i don’t know if you were around to see my breaking things off with my long distance relationship of a year…total imaginary relationship and i thought it was real. boy did i feel stupid and i was in major pain because we were “in love.” but when i realized how bad i felt i knew that i had been under the illusion of a relationship he was never going to have to step up to because he was getting me emotionally and having his freedom, too so he didn’t have to do anything.

    i hope you never have to go through anything like that. i hope you learn so much from cd’ng that YOU are the prize the thought of some bloke calling you back or not calling you back never enters your mind.

    besides, the rest of your life should be making you happy. i’m curious how you spend your time, what you do for you to make yourself happy.

    because, if you spend your time worrying about what guys are doing this brings your vibe down…and if you’re vibe is down and you meet a guy that you might click with – ?

    anyway, hope you are enjoying your weekend. xo

  207.  #207mcgirlygirl on January 10, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Soul Sista – well I have been making an effort to do things with friends – even meeting for coffee – just to get out and not stay at home. I used to just go to work and then go home – nothing else. My job has gotten more demanding, which doesn’t really help. And my mother kept pointing out that no one is going to walk through my living room for me to meet. So I make an effort to do online dating, and have even penciled in a singles event.

    I know some people say you should just let it happen – and if i was in my 20s or even early to mid thirties – maybe i would be ok with that. But I am running out of time. And since people do not just traipse through my living room ….. I have to be proactive about it.

    So that is where i am at…..

  208.  #208mcgirlygirl on January 10, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Lone Plum — thank you thank you thank you. I have now read your post probably 50 times. 🙂

  209.  #209Mcgirlygirl on January 14, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Lone Plume – everything you wrote (and all the wonderful ladies) really really helped. I focused on continuing to date, work and finding new activities to try (I now have a list).

    So he did call – on Monday night. We ended up having over a two hour conversation. I didn’t bring up anything about the date other than when he referenced it I said it was really nice and thanked him again. He said we should talk again.

    I was really surprised to get a call from him tonight. About 8:30 – and he called to tell me that he had made a big decision about work (we had discussed it at length in our other conversations). We ended about an hour after the conversation.

    He asked what I was ‘up’ to – and I was honest. In the past I either would have not answered or made up something fabulous to make it sound like i was busy busy busy.
    Instead I said that my yoga class was cancelled and that I was also not feeling great with this virus that I seem to have caught – it seems everyone around here is sick at the moment. But, I am not feeling like I did the right thing? I did not feel the need to go out tonight – especially since I am tired and not feeling well and had my own bad news today (which I did not talk about). I congratulated him on making a decision and said drinks on me to celebrate. He said we should talk again and he was going to take me up on the drinks. I wish I knew if I was leaning back enough. It’s very much me to say let’s celebrate – I would with any friend. But I can’t tell where he is coming from.

    I am trying to lean back …. But my fear is saying the wrong thing. I think there must be a balance between being my open giving self and leaning back?

  210.  #210LonePlum on January 14, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    You are doing great! Keep dating others and going to activities.

    What do you mean you can’t tell where he is coming from?
    No matter what, you come from the place you want to be romanced, you are looking for a lover
    (I don’t even know what you are looking for lol)
    So you don’t treat him like a friend
    you don’t offer to celebrate etc….
    You congratulated him, you showed interest in what he does.
    You were warm with him, you don’t need to buy things for him.
    The “let’s celebrate” is boyish and friendship stuff in my opinion.
    You took his celebration off his hands, may be he would have been happy to own his celebration and to offer it to you or may be he does not feel it is worse a celebration
    Don’t worry about it, I am just telling you for next time.

    How far does he live from you?
    I wonder why he called an hour but no inviting you out?
    May be he gets up soon tomorrow
    May be he has been too busy all week to plan a date and he remembered you at the last minute tonight. If such is the case, he’ll get better lol
    he felt you would decline the invitation because you said you felt ill
    he did not want to catch the virus
    he is expecting you to invite him to your place

    Do NOT invite him to your place or anywhere
    Let him take you out on a regular date;
    And if he wants to hang out at his place, tell him you don’t feel comfortable going at gentlemen’ homes.

    Let him date you in the proper way

    Don’t worry about being available tonight. He won’t take note just for one week end. Specially if you were feeling ill
    If the same situation ( being available) repeats itself week after week, then your price would lower, yes

    Now, let it go, don’t contact at all, remember? The feeling that you should do something is just fear and the newness


  211.  #211mcgirlygirl on January 15, 2011 at 9:41 am

    LonePlum – when I said I don’t know where he is coming from – I meant that I can’t tell if he is interested.

    So what I am hearing from you is that I messed things up by celebrating? It’s funny you mentioned not going to his place – he had suggested that one evening – before we had even had that first date! – but I declined politely. Honestly it is out of fear – I would not want him to be stuck with me in his place if he was not attracted / interested. Basically giving him an escape route …. Either way I did not think it was a good idea so I declined.

    He said he had plans with a friend to go out to a music venue – and we got off the phone because he had arrived. Is it ok to accept a date at the last minute? The rules would say no. I hate not knowing what to do. I did have the urge to send him a quick text a few days after that call on Monday – but heeded your advice and did not.

    My vision / goal / desire (not sure what to call it) is to get married. I am scared because I am running out of time. I would like a family – whatever that would look like. I feel, because I am heavy, that I am not attractive or that men write me off because of it. My weight is a huge issue for me (pardon the pun) and I am working on loosing it. I keep trying to tell myself that if someone is smart enough to know that I am working on it – and be attracted to me as a person, then it could be something great. But everytime I hear – you should call me when you finish losing your weight – or you are sexy in other ways but your body is just too fat – I get really really discouraged. And I do not know what to do. Honestly, it makes me want to give up and realize that I am going to be alone forever. So I get that would be a trigger?

  212.  #212Brenda on January 16, 2011 at 11:08 am


    I struggle with my weight, too. I am realizing for me that I am just kidding myself to think I can do it without a support group. I am going to really give that some serious thought today. I wish you the best!

  213.  #213LonePlum on January 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    McGirlygirl 217

    No, I would never say you have messed up
    I am noting the actions that would be better to not repeat. We learn step by step

    Yes, I sensed that he might expect you to become intimate before he even started to court you.
    I would stop thinking of him completely, and I would concentrate on myself.
    If he is meant to court you, he will, you have nothing to lose.
    If he only wants to get intimate with no efforts, not taking you out to a restaurant, not planning music concerts with you etc.. not meeting regularly , etc… well, then, you are safe as long as you lean back.
    If he comes up with the celebration you wanted to organize for him, tell him “The event is old news” And be warm and open on a new subject.

    You said
    “  Honestly it is out of fear – I would not want him to be stuck with me in his place if he was not attracted / interested. Basically giving him an escape route …. Either way I did not think it was a good idea so I declined.”

    If that’s the reason you gave him, make sure to never again say such a thing.
    The reason you don’t want to go to a man’s house is that he is supposed to make an effort to wake your interest. You show your high price tag by staying out of his Territory, you make him come to you.
    Besides, staying away from his house, you make it clear that you don’t put yourself in situations where men might become sexual. The day you meet Mr Right he will love to know you take good care of yourself.
    Besides (again) it really is dangerous to go to a stranger’s house. I was surprised he suggested it before you even met. What’s up with that?
    If you don’t go to his house, it is because YOU might need to run trough the escape route. Your life is about you, not about his comfort.
    If you put yourself down, men will believe you and they will also put you down.

    Allow men to own their taste and preferences.
    Some men like large women. You can’t decide for others that they don’t like your looks.
    Many won’t like your looks and some will love your looks. It goes the same way for most of us.
    When you decide that a man can not like your looks at all, you are over functioning and controlling and assuming.
    It rather says that you don’t like yourself and that you deny others’ right to like you if they want.
    If you respect others’ right to feel what they feel, and you stop telling them you are too fat for them to like you, they might become interested in you.

    Think of it
    You put your actual photos on dating sites
    The men who phone you are men who know the size of your body and they like it. Otherwise they would not phone.
    They expect to meet a happy woman, they don’t think of her weigh.
    But when they meet you, you show you hate yourself and seem to be saying that anybody with a bit of taste should not like you.
    Do you think a man would like to be the “stupid guy with bad taste”?
    Do you think a man will love you when you don’t love yourself?
    Besides, a conversation over weigh is boring. It is not a fun way to spend an evening.

    Do NOT mention your weigh.
    Not even on your profile. Put a new clear picture, where men can see you whole body. They will judge by themselves if it is the type of body they like.
    Don’t be the one who say you are not right for them.
    Trust the men who invite you. They will make their own decision. They like you or they do not. Don’t try to convince them they should not like you
    It does not make sense and could be why they don’t come back.
    Men want to compliment, they don’t want to reassure
    If you bump onto a bad man, he might take advantage.

    By the way one of the bad boy techniques is to mention something you don’t like about yourself. He picks up something that is true to you but that you don’t like. Then he vanishes during a few days.
    That’s when the woman leans forward and contacts him. She wants to prove he was wrong about her, she is better that what he said and he can like her. She pursues him, which was his intention.

    If a man tells you wear a pretty dress or top, say “thank you”
    Don’t go on saying “well I am trying to lose weigh, it should fit better later on.”
    It makes them feel you don’t like yourself the way you are right now, and that they should reassure you. It ruins their fun.
    They want to court you, not to reassure or counsel you.
    Besides they can’t fix your problem, they wonder why you are telling them.
    Don’t overload a man’s soul with your own doubts and fear about YOURSELF.

    Tell them about the sport activities and the fun activities you have. Some men have told me they can be attracted by a large woman if her approach on life attracts them.
    But if they find out the woman drags herself through life, they don’t meet her again.

    As for the men who dare tell you are too fat, thanks them for making room for well educated men.
    Basic education wants a man to compliment a woman. When he does not feel it, he shuts his mouth up.
    But show the example, don’t bully yourself 😉

    As for the last minute date
    I don’t want to be 24 hours/day available to a man, he will take me for granted and will lose interest.
    I don’t want him to think nobody else wants me. He would think he can control me and that I will wait for him as long as he wants.
    That I have a busy life lifts my price up. And it makes him feel proud and worthy when he can get my attention and a date. Men love the woman who makes them feel proud and worthy.
    I want him to work to get me. Men become emotionally invested to what costs them work.

    And keep cool, relax, you can’t be wrong because you are learning.


  214.  #214Mcgirlygirl on January 16, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Hi Lone Plum – thank you again for your words.

    As open and honest as I am here with you all – I never ever disused my weight like that. I do not have a full body shot of myself (I am not comfortable with that) but as the dating sites do indeed want you to classify everything, I do list myself as rubenesque. I do talk about things I love doing – yoga, being at the gym, walking and exploring… But I do try to always take a compliment like lady, politely without deflecting. Just like my mom taught me.

    The first time he asked me to get together was for lunch on the same day. I did in fact have plans for lunch and then a catch up with a friend and then my sisters bday dinner. I just said it was late and I did not know what time I would be free. When we did finally get together – he made a comment about how hard it was to arrange something. The first time he asked me was a Monday – and we ended up getting together on that Thursday. He asked again about my work and schedule on the phone. I guess he might think I am too busy.
    In terms of him getting intimate – he was very closed to me on our date. He kissed my cheek when I got there and when we parted. Nothing more. He certainly does not appear to be interested in me that way from what I can tell. I am trying to not be too disappointed.

    I am doing my best to stay focused on me …. Dating as many people as ask me, go to yoga and a few other big tasks that are on my list. If he does call I will lean back (still not quite sure HOW one does this) and be open.

  215.  #215Hopeful45 on January 16, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Hi ladies,
    I don’t mean to butt in.
    For weight loss, I’m using
    Lots of support there and people are losing big!! I highly recommend it.

  216.  #216mcgirlygirl on January 18, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Hi Hopeful45 – thank you for the recommendation – that is great!

    LonePlum – I feel so down – I had wanted him to call (though I acted very matter of fact on the phone) and now it’s Tuesday and no call… So even though I have other dates planned and I continue to update my profile and have plans with my girlfriends – i am still sad that he did not call. But I am not calling or reaching out to him. even though i would like to. not doing it.

  217.  #217mcgirlygirl on January 19, 2011 at 10:29 am

    I feel down today even though I should be looking forward to my date this evening. I am trying to change my mind.

    Is it ok to be disappointed that someone did not call?

  218.  #218Femininewoman on January 19, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Re 223 Hugs to you. Your feeling is yours and it is fine, embrace them. Please remember that he does what he wants to do, though he could be busy.

  219.  #219Soul Sista on January 19, 2011 at 10:34 am

    mcgirl ~ i think what we’re doing is learning how not to pine after guys…

    who i am to say you shouldn’t feel disappointed? if you do you do but can you acknowledge the feeling and move on?

    is there something about the date you are going on you can focus on?

    it takes practice and as we keep cd’ng it gets easier.

  220.  #220mcgirlygirl on January 19, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Thank you both. I am not looking forward to this date – he seems to not hear me when I express my feeling of not being comfortable with texting at this stage. I have mentioned it (in a feeling statement) but today again, to make plans, he texted with just a time and place. I casually mentioned it the first time and then brought it up a second time … So I guess already I do not feel like my messages are being heard. I guess the other option is to just not respond.

    Either way – as I was told in an earlier post, this person is not really in my life — so it should not occupy my energy.

  221.  #221Femininewoman on January 19, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Re 226 Texting is what he can offer now, it might be for a reason. Though I don’t know the details of what happened, could he possibly be with someone else that he does not want to overhear a conversation? Or could he possibly be insecure about his voice for some reason? Or does he feel you might be too available for some reason? It is also a quirk with some guys that they don’t like calling. He might also be wary of leading you on to believe that this could be something serious before he actually makes up his mind about how he feels about you when he meets you.

    Rori says feelings messages are best delivered when face to face. I would say focus on the good things, get your vibe up, get your humor and flirtatious side going so that when he sees you he can feel your happiness. If he says something that leads you feel the sadness then say it in the moment. I would suggest not bringing these feelings to the date and from what I know now, when I feel that way if I am going to meet someone I am interested in, I put it off by telling them I am not feeling well and ask if it is okay with them for me to take a rain check. Emotions are contagious and you do not want to put him off with heavy ones of negativity unnecessarily.

  222.  #222Femininewoman on January 19, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Re 226 It might even be worthwhile saying something like “I enjoy our time together and I feel good when I am with you but I feel unheard/ignored or disrespected when you text after I tell you I want to have a real relationship and not a text buddy, how do you think we can fix that”? Or something to that effect when I am in front of him if I want to continue dating him. But of course you have to pay close attention to how you are feeling when you are with him.

    I have also learnt that we should mirror what the guy is doing. In other words don’t give more to them than they are giving to us. If texting is all he wants to do and that is not what you want to do, don’t text back or engage him. It shows you have weak boundaries. Is there any reason you might be afraid of losing him?

  223.  #223mcgirlygirl on January 19, 2011 at 11:38 am

    I am not afraid of losing him – this will be our first date – we have not even had a ‘real’ conversation (by that I mean any length of time getting to know a bit about him). I usually like to have one of those so that I can suss out if there is any point to meeting him. I am taking the position right now that I am meeting with everyone who asks — what could it hurt to agree to a coffee with someone? They might be different than they are on the phone email.

    I will absolutely be careful to leave any of those other feelings outside of the date. I want to see if I can connect with him and engage is good, fun easy conversation and if we have things in common.

    This other person I am referring to is someone that I had great email with, then a couple of great phone calls, and then a great 4 hour date. He said he would call — then did not for 4 days – we had another great 2 hour chat (which I finally said – oh i need to go) and then he called again on Friday – but I did not handle that the best way possible (see post 215 ->). I had already had these feelings about being disappointed that he had not called – and then he did. But this amount of time now is a little longer than I would have thought if was really interested.

  224.  #224Femininewoman on January 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Re 229 My understanding is that the first date should be short leaving them wanting more so I would suggest that 4 hours would be a bit long and might dampen the attraction a little. Done that myself in the past and would not do it again, will definitely keep it short and sweet.

    For the first date I guess you could go back saying you feel uncomfortable meeting up with someone you have not even spoken on the phone with. It is your choice to make and he knows that, you are not obligated. It should not hurt if it is in a very public place but my understanding is that one has to be careful when meeting strangers we meet online.

  225.  #225mcgirlygirl on January 19, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Oh yes! We are meeting in a public place and I always drive myself.

    I had planned on keeping that date short – but time really did fly – and we were having such good conversation back and forth and then all of a sudden it was 12:30! … he had even suggested a few days earlier that I come to his new apt — but i begged off saying it was too late. Maybe he is just busy or maybe he is out of town or maybe he just isn’t interested. What I do know is that i will not initiate any contact (though he did mention to me that he does not like it when women ‘lean back’). If he is interested then he will initiate contact. — this is the the thing i am having the mos trouble with.

  226.  #226Femininewoman on January 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Re 231 mcgirlygirl

    Guys like to get naked so him inviting you to his apparment in my humble opinion is inviting you to have sex. A guy told that a woman inviting him to her apt at 12:00 midnight to have coffee “is not coffee”. I took that lesson so unless I am open to having sex I avoid doing that.

    “though he did mention to me that he does not like it when women ‘lean back” Guys will say anything to get their way though deep down they prefer to “lead”. He might be used to women who overfunction and is not sure how to deal with a confident woman. Some Rori words I got in an email today below. I say let him do the calling, he is trying to get you hooked. Many turn on you when you get hooked and walk away, it is an ego thing sometimes. But they love confidence, stand up to him.

    “Men are easy.

    If they want you, they want you – and you
    don’t have to work hard at all to make that

    But then, they’ll often do the absolute
    MINIMUM they have to do to keep you around.

    They’ll try to keep you at “girlfriend” level
    as long as they can without making a commitment.

    They’ll try to hang onto their “freedom” as
    long as they can without making a commitment.

    They’ll say they need “time.”

    They’ll say they’re not “ready.”

    If you lean back, step back, and stop
    Over functioning, they’ll cave in to themselves,
    “snap-to” and work hard to get back in your “good
    graces” until they can “slack off again” and
    STILL keep you around for awhile longer.

    Men are champs at drawing things out.

    I’ve seen men go for years – 2, 5 – even 8!
    without even TALKING about commitment.

    It’s always just “not a good time” in their

  227.  #227mcgirlygirl on January 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    He is trying to get me hooked or he just is not interested. If he isn’t then it is his loss – and maybe we were not a good fit.

    I just have to figure out a way to get past the disappointment of him not calling again.

  228.  #228mcgirlygirl on January 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Or maybe that is the wrong way to think about it?

    I am starting to feel that I am not attractive to anyone.

  229.  #229LonePlum on January 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    McGirlygirl 234

    Are you attracted to yourself?
    If yes, then you will attract a man, be patient
    Positive vibes attract good men who will like you

    If you are not attracted to yourself, work on what can be improved.
    Or work on yourself to like yourself just the way you are.
    It is you in peace with yourself that will attract love

    As for your date who does not call
    Why do you want him to call again? Why him and not a new one?
    What did he give you that you might miss in your life if he never calls?
    Do you know if he can give you the relationship you want?
    Do you even know what he wants? Sex without the hassle of dating?
    Keep the focus on the relationship you want, not on the stranger you met once
    Don’t stick your expectation of love on the first stranger you met.
    You are going to meet many more strangers. Keep you “love sticker” in your pocket, wait to meet the man who does everything to be with you and to brighten your life. Then you can take you “love sticker” out and use it on him

    Why pine for a stranger who did not give anything? Not even being present in your life.
    Why him?
    Lol It sounds like the questions I asked myself a while back.


  230.  #230Violet on January 23, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    I am a newbie at this site. I had mentioned in a previous post that I recently met a man and we agreed to remain exclusive to ‘see where things go.’
    He is separated, headed for divorce, and seems settled towards having this happen.
    He also indicated that none of this is a factor in having us get to know each other and see where things go.
    At first, he was all gung ho, talking this and that and acting excited. Since then, I’ve sensed a withdrawel on his part.
    I was at his place this evening and asked him straight out if he had bitterness and unforgiveness in his heart towards his soon to be ex-wife. He said that he does and couldn’t give 100% towards ‘us’ at this time because of this.
    I said that I was willing to give 100% and won’t be with someone who can’t do the same.
    I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t act angry. I got home, called him up and told him that I’m not going to have hard feelings about this and hope he didn’t either.
    I said that I deserve someone who is able and willing to give me 100% because I know that is what I deserve.
    I’m open to any comments, questions, suggestions regarding what I’ve said.
    I look at this as a learning experience and thank you for supporting me as I support all of you,

    ~ Violet ~

  231.  #231Violet on January 23, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Sunday, 23 January 2011 @ 7:58pm

    53: Violet says:
    Hello, Everyone!
    This year is a new year! I’ve come into my own, making better decisions based on what is right for me. This has enabled me to embody self confidence and exude that towards others.
    Reading comments here has reinforced the knowledge that we deserve nothing but the best. There is no reason to except anything less than that.
    God loves me just the way I am. Therefore, there isn’t room for negativity to be more important than this.