Chasing a Man Never Works

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Here’s a letter from Susan, who’s in a situation we can all identify with…and as Sirens, it’s so easy to see that her methods are getting her nowhere…

“Hi Rori,

I’ve been seeing someone for about 4 months now who I really like, really really like, but every time I hinted around that I wanted things to be exclusive with us, he backs off a little more.

He does say and do little affectionate things sometimes that I can tell means he cares, but what bothers me most is we only talk on the phone when he calls me to come see him.

At first it was about twice a month (you see I’m a single mom and that’s as often as I possibly could meet him), but then it was once a month, and most recently he didn’t call at all when he knew I had a free weekend.

I called him that day (Saturday), just to see, but he didn’t pick up and hasn’t returned the call.

Is it hopeless?

~Susan

From Me:

Susan – I don’t mean this as a reprimand or a slap on the wrists – you’ve done nothing “wrong”…

But what you’re doing isn’t working.

And it’s putting you in a frame of mind that also is working against you, your confidence, your good feelings about yourself, and your equilibrium.

AND…because you want the truth from me, I’ll make it simple: You’re doing everything exactly the OPPOSITE way my work is all about!

Here are some of the things you are doing “incorrectly” according to me:

1. Exclusivity

You do NOT want to be exclusive with a man until he asks you to marry him.

You want to date lots and lots of men all at the same time.

2. Seeing a man twice a month is not even considered “dating”

This is very casual, and you should be dating many men.

3. You should NEVER “go to him”at this stage of “dating”

Ever.

He should pick you up and take you on dates. Simple

4. You are calling him

I do not want to tell you that this is hopeless, but it doesn’t sound good.

…and you have so much work you can do for yourself that will help you so much!

So – stop chasing him in any way (if you feel yourself even THINKING about him – you’re chasing him in your mind).

Doing the work for yourself that’s available to you here on the blog and in my ebook Have The Relationship You Want will not only help you on your own insides – it’s likely to significantly improve this situation…

Love, Rori

 

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808 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 6:54 am

    Chasing



  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 6:55 am

    You do NOT want to be exclusive with a man until he asks you to marry him.



  3.  #3Goldenflower on July 2, 2012 at 7:05 am

    omg, this is the new thread. How very apt for my current situation.
    chasing never works. yes this is true.
    how easily i dont notice chasing behaviour and justify it as caring how he is. Reaching out.
    I remember picking him up from work taking him on a daytrip in a car I had hired, showing him round my favourite place, even buying him an icecream (as he had no money). Then taking him home that night and dropping him off. Chasing and rowing the damn boat myself.



  4.  #4Goldenflower on July 2, 2012 at 7:06 am

    So – stop chasing him in any way (if you feel yourself even THINKING about him – you’re chasing him in your mind).



  5.  #5Calypso on July 2, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Not chasing is the hardest things for me to control. I’ve been told I’m an Alpha Female . . . Lol. I used to think that was a good thing! Ugh . . . beign the girl is sooooooo hard for me. I want to chase something and drag it home too – Lol!!!

    I still have not been able to meet Farmer CD in person due to the hot weather keeping him busy on his farm, but we have plans for Thursday night to meet for dinner and he just emailed me to say that if it stay cloudy today, he would feel comfortable getting away for a couple of hours to meet me for dinner tonight! We are both very anxious to see if we click as well in person as we do online.

    I sure hope we do. My heart is open and ready for a fresh start. I have not felt this ready to move on without GM since I met him. It no longer feels like I’m looking for a distraction from the pain of losing him – it feels like I am ready for my Mr Right. What if he is a chicken farmer? lol . . .



  6.  #6Tam on July 2, 2012 at 7:28 am

    yes, the ‘thinking about him’ being chasing is the thing that sticks out for me. Ouch. So how does one stop that? Ok, by being busy busy busy 🙂
    which I am….with me, work, dates etc.
    Cool.
    Hope it works..



  7.  #7Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 7:29 am

    I am wondering how to handle the texting aspect of my relationship with R. He says he texts because we now live an hour from each other (we lived three miles apart during the ten months we dated in 2009). Does an hour apart justify texting?



  8.  #8April Rose on July 2, 2012 at 7:31 am

    I have to police myself on this!
    Chasing him is something so easily done.
    Thinking about him is not so easily undone.



  9.  #9Goldenflower on July 2, 2012 at 8:08 am

    505: Tam says:
    Maybe that stuff you said just had to come out, you were true to yourself, alcohol induced or not.
    It is nothing to be ashamed of.
    The right man will thing no less of you, the wrong man doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. You matter.

    Thankyou Tam, I feel very touched you are posting this. Yes it is hard stuff, when we feel rejected, but then I can switch into another side of my brain that says no I AM worth the giving man, the full open hearted, ready to be married man.

    I like this idea “the wrong man doesnt matter” . the more i chase the man down his own narrow alleyways, off his narrow incomplete bridge,and i find dead ends all the way. I feel myself becoming less than my full glorious self, i must give that care and attention to my self . The only person i am responsible for is myself. I will give all of this energy to me. The energy I feel coming towards me will be from others and I will receive with an open heart.



  10.  #10Tam on July 2, 2012 at 8:09 am

    8…hehe…mind you, I have no problem with the not chasing…in fact I make it as a challenge for myself actually, so it’s great. I don’t do that at all anymore and just hope not leaning too far back now…

    But the thinking, well that is another matter altogether…



  11.  #11Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Good Morning Sirens



  12.  #12Goldenflower on July 2, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Just found this, femininewoman you mentioned the inner stranger. I see what you mean.
    Rori says: “In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” – this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you – and let me know how she helps you.

    Putting a positive spin on the outburst last night to fedex (his new name) I was chanelling my drama queen. Looking back at my message to him, it could have gone a lot worse, I was honest about how I felt and authentic in my words. I forgive myself for losing my temper and for becoming a wounded person lashing out. I forgive myself, thankyou. I love myself.



  13.  #13Tam on July 2, 2012 at 8:44 am

    12 Goldenflower, when you did NC with him as he wanted to be just friends, did you tell him you didn’t want that or just went NC?



  14.  #14Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Esteemed, 7, I text with all my friends. Even the ones who live 3 miles away.



  15.  #15Goldenflower on July 2, 2012 at 8:46 am

    In an earlier thread there was discussion on why men come back for another try. I have had two casual guys from last year, who I wasnt into at all, both of them coming back into contact in the past couple of weeks. It feels like they can sense I amvulnerable. Both of them would only undermine my self esteem. I cant go back there. Does anyone feel this happens when they are at a low, or should i take it as a good thing that I am still in their minds. I guess if its true men want a higher status female than them, then thes two fit the bill. I just hate the thought that I am attracting the wrong sort of men atm.
    Focus on self, focus on self love. xx



  16.  #16Goldenflower on July 2, 2012 at 8:52 am

    13: Tam says:
    12 Goldenflower, when you did NC with him as he wanted to be just friends, did you tell him you didn’t want that or just went NC?

    We met in person and I told him I didnt want to be just friends. I told him it wasnt enough and that I cdnt be friends with someone I had feelings for and after we had shared so much. But I said it was Ok to keep in touch but wdnt meet him as friends. After a week or so of that, with a long cpl of messages I then changed this to NC as any contact hurt too much. He would suddenly get worried about me and text when I was actaully fine, then he’d say I wanted to call but didnt think it was “best” for you. That damn word, it came off as insulting and hurtful so I had to say NC. I cdnt take the fact his feelings for me cd shift and cut off so easily and fast after he was so affectionate, kind, making plans, intimate etc.
    So yes, he knew i wanted NC because freinds was not acceptable to me.



  17.  #17Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Linda 490 other thread
    Oooh I didn’t mean you were putting yourself in an unsafe spot. I mean that it’s okay to lean forward here, in the “name of” safety.

    Sorry if I made you feel bad, Linda!



  18.  #19Lena on July 2, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Please help…

    He was avoiding me. I called and asked what is all this. He told me that he thinks its better we are not together, he made up his mind and wont change it back. That he wants to see someone else and doesnt want to hurt me. I asked him to give it a time… I broke down and was asking to reconsider. I couldnt believe that the person who waited for me for so long to love me breaks my heart like this. In the conversation he seemed pretty happy and than he said he wants to meet to talk to me. I asked what for – to repeat me the same? He asks – lets talk, that we were together for too long to break up over the phone, etc. I said I wont be able to stand it if he will say it to me in my face. He still insits to talk tom. I dont get it. What is he doing? I asked if he just wants to talk it out with the possibility to change it, he sais his mind is made up and at this point its what he wants to do. But lets talk in person. What is this? WHat should I do?



  19.  #20Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Re: #18 listening to that now and loving it



  20.  #21Lena on July 2, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Should I go see him or just stop everything and go away?



  21.  #22Starla on July 2, 2012 at 9:19 am

    (((((((lena)))))))



  22.  #23Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Lena only you can decide. If it would feel bad/humilitating ask yourself why am I there?



  23.  #24Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Also remember Lena, you called so you were chasing him.



  24.  #25Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 9:26 am

    awwww ((((((Lena)))))))

    🙁



  25.  #26lilybelly on July 2, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Goldenflower makes a point above about the right/wrong.
    I wanted to expound on that just a bit.

    I totally agree..the right man WILL take all that you say, all that we we try to say, even if it comes out not at all as we intended and will sit right there with you and help you figure it out. He will not run away, he will not consider your feelings as drama, he will not only not think less of you, he will think MORE of you….if he is the right man. He will accept your vulnerabilities and he will go out of his way to help you feel comfortable.

    I have witnessed this so many times lately and each time, I have felt so amazed at the easiness of it all (it isn’t easy to be so vulnerable and open but it is worth it), the increased closeness and connection..and so amazed at what this man is willing to do to help me feel secure and safe and loved.

    I feel so blessed.



  26.  #27LiliBee on July 2, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Lena,

    Seeing him could be a good learning experience, by being open, receiving what he has to say and accepting what he says.
    You can share how you feel sad, but trying to control the outcome by trying to convince and asking him for anything would dent your self confidence.



  27.  #28Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Lilybelly I read what you said about the right man and I have questions in my mind. Reason being I am very close friends with a man who is married and he responds to me the same way. Just yesterday he was raising his voice and I blurted out “you are raising your voice and I don’t want to be yelled at” before I realized what I had done. He adjusted a bit and told me he was feeling frustrated because he had kind of gotten dragged into helping out with a situation that I was involved with. I know he was angry but not too long later on he was offering me food. My point is that this is something good men do. Even if he is not your Mr. Right expecting good treatment from every man might help us to be more so we can recognize Mr. Rigjht when he shows up. I have work colleagues who now show sensitivity and understanding when I express my feelings, always trying to make sure I am alright.



  28.  #29LiliBee on July 2, 2012 at 9:39 am

    26:

    That encourageing to read Lilybelly 🙂

    I’ve been struggling with that for the last couple of weeks.

    I feel more peaceful today.
    I just leaned back and went with the flow.
    That lead me to experience exactly what I needed to be open to absorbing more learning to bring me to where I want to be…which also brings me to be ready to have the courage to open up and be vulnerable.



  29.  #30Starla on July 2, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Last night was rough for me. I had nightmares all night. About zombies. WTF. And about being ridiculously late to work and missing trains. And a less scary dream about Jessica Alba bleaching my hair blond. And Sheridyn Fisher (a fitness model idol for me) leading my kickboxing class. And 2 exes ago was in the dream, too, admiring me and how much I’ve changed. But it all still felt so stressful. I must have gotten 4 hours of sleep total.



  30.  #31Tam on July 2, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Goldenflower, strangely I noticed something opposite: men come back as I am doing fine without them…when I have low self-esteem and could do with men, they tend to disappear…sometimes I wonder if they can smell it..
    Well, once MrU returned as he knew I needed cheering up, but it’s definitely not the rule. And I never had the feeling they ‘prey’ on our low self esteem, no.

    Hm



  31.  #32Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 9:53 am

    ((((((((Starla))))))))



  32.  #33Smile on July 2, 2012 at 10:04 am

    “Even thinking about him is chasing him” I get this but how can I work the visualisation tools if I’m not thinking about him? Hmm… Can anyone advise me on my missing link please?



  33.  #34Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 10:06 am

    Smile, I guess its the difference between deliberate visualization tools and just thinking and longing for him.



  34.  #35Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Talking about being vulnerable today I go my an annual invitation from a cd who has been around since 2009. I responded “It feels good to be invited, thank you. But I have feelings for you way above and beyond friendship. Plus it would feel weird going as a customer. What do you think?”

    I was shaking when typing the text response but after it feels honest, vulnerable and authentic. One year I just responded thanks, another time I just did not show up because the last time I did I clearly remember feeling his energy pulling away/cringing when I tried to talk to him. He was busy the whole night, did not even spend 10 mins with me. I brought up his not calling when I tried to talk to him.

    I have not received a response yet but it is like I don’t care. It just feels like I honored myself.



  35.  #36Smile on July 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Ah thank you emoticon. I couldn’t quite put it together in my mind. I knew I could do one but not the other and needed the difference pointing out clearly lol.



  36.  #37Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Smile you might wish to read Rori’s post a few weeks back about getting your unconscious to work for you.



  37.  #38Starla on July 2, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Thank you, Emoticon:)

    I feel blessed that I did have someone to text in the middle of the night when I got scared. I do always have someone to call or text. Feeling blessed:)



  38.  #39Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/feminine-energy/page/2/

    This is a technique that is especially powerful with hypnosis, but you can also do it on your own. The key is to relax deeply so you can access your deeper mind.
    Here’s how Virginia says it would work, for example, with the memory of a heartbreak:
    1. Sit or lie down with your eyes closed for about 20 minutes, then take yourself back to the memory and replay it — make it a vivid movie in your mind.
    2. Go through it from the very beginning and change the action, the dialogue, the feelings – see and experience yourself handling the situation in a way that makes you feel good now.
    What will happen is that by taking back the control you felt you lost, you’ll no longer identify yourself with being a victim.
    You’ll feel freer – with much more confidence and a new ability to make decisions from a place of greater personal power.
    I love this Tool – it gives going back and thinking about these old things an actual purpose (just make sure to not revisit it over and over, use my other Tools to walk yourself through the Tunnel, to Channel, and to stop the Train of Obsession if you feel like you’re on it)…and I love Virginia.



  39.  #40Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

    I was NOT doing my feminine practices, not feeling my feelings, not telling the truth with kindness and honesty… I was pushing him away and being a bitch, CONVINCED it was him.
    Then, bless him, he suggested we go for a vigorous hike to get the juices flowing, energy moving. I could feel the anger in me welling up, all prickly from the inside out, wanting to SCREAM!
    We got back to my place and began to talk. I could feel under the anger was a huge welling up of tears and I took a breath and decided to show him my fears. I told him to please only say ‘Thank you’ to everything I said, just hear me please.
    Then I sobbed and sobbed about how scared I was to let a man support me, hold me, care for me, protect me, be there for me, let me rest and finally truly completely exhale. I shared that I was so terrified to open and risk being let down, risk being taken advantage of, risk being used or abandoned.
    All this sorrow from my childhood came up and I could see that all my exhaustion has come from keeping it together and doing it all myself. This wasn’t just with men, this was with God. I was even afraid that God would ultimately forget about me.
    What was beautiful was that he just GOT me. He followed my request to just say thank you.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/feminine-energy/i-thought-it-was-him-but-it-was-me/#more-1313



  40.  #41Smile on July 2, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Thanks femininewoman, I’m getting better at tools this but it has taken a while for me to get use to doing it. Now I don’t feel so uncomfortable. I will keep practising.



  41.  #42Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

    Well, it finally happened. After months of focussing on me, finding things to make me happy, and focussing on healing myself, I found the strength to define what I would not longer put up with: angry, blaming conversations. I had been listening to them thinking that it was good for my husband to get his anger out. But after the last time he got mad at me, and spewed all this anger at me, and blamed me for everything, and gave me a list of things that I needed to do differently, I finally decided I had enough of the angry, blaming conversations.

    He has been under a huge amount of stress at work, and has been extra crabby, complainy and critical. I know it is the stress, and the effects of drinking that make him be extra crabby. But it has taken it’s toll on me.
    Then he made a snippy comment to me in front of friends. It felt like a “stiffle yourself Edith” comment to me. So I had to leave the room because the tears were starting to flow.

    This made him feel embarrassed, or like he said, an a$$hole, when I left the room. He stormed out of the bar, and wouldn’t talk to me because I made him look like an a$$hole. No concern for my feelings, just his.

    I tried to talk to him about it twice that night, but he would not discuss it. In fact, when I said that there are two sides to every story, he said Well, I will hear your side of the story – NEVER.

    Okay, so my feelings don’t count anymore? And once again I get an angry blaming conversation? Maybe I am done.

    All week I contemplated moving out. I decided that I was not ready for that step, but did make an appt with a marriage counselor so I could get clear on where I am at and figure out some techniques or decide what my next steps are.

    On Sunday, I decided to avoid him, cause I can’t put up with the angry toxic vibe any more. So when he asked if we could talk about it, I said not until we can talk about it without it turning into an angry emotional conversation. Then I told him I was going to run an errand and go have some fun (aka – out the window). And I took the convertible, and went for a convertible ride with a friend. Then when she had to go home, I picked up another friend and went for another ride. Did not get home till after 7.

    He worked around the yard all day bought some thing for the yard that he knew would I would like. I told him how nice it was and thanked him for it. I was sweet and genuine. Then I took a shower and did my own thing.

    Monday I had plans with friends. They suggested I get a marriage counselor. That is when I decided to to that. I called the next day and made an appt (could not get in till this thursday though). The hubby did not remember that I had told him I had plans, so he thought I ditched him that night. I feel bad about that, but I did tell him once. I guess maybe it was good that he stewed and wondered if I ditched him, though that was not my intent.

    Tuesday – I came home after work and we ate dinner together. I was a bit chatty but I am sure he could see that I had been crying. Later, he asked again in an angry voice if we could talk. Again, nope, not if it is going to be an angry emotional conversation. Then I did my own thing for the rest of the evening.

    Wednesday – He is sitting outside drinking (he has been all week in the evening. Actually, since his work got really stressful, he drinks every day in the evening, except one night. I decided to sit with him while he drank because I know he is angry and hurting and stressed from work and this thing between us. I tried to send him a vibe of love (but did not express it) and sat next to him and a bit chatty and kind. He was hurt and angry and I could feel his vibe. I kinda felt sorry for him.

    Thursday – I was out for the evening. When I got home, (late) and got into bed, again in an angry tone, he asked if we could talk about what happened that night at the bar. My response, not until we can talk about it without be angry and emotional. Perhaps this weekend. His response, well, by this weekend, I will have forgotten about it.

    I woke up at about 2 am and could not fall back asleep. I thought about moving out and who I would move in with, and if it would kill the marriage. I did decide that I was not going on vacation with him. We are supposed to leave this saturday.

    Oddly, he could tell I could not sleep and he asked me if I wanted to snuggle for a while. It was such a sweet gesture, and I really needed a snuggle, so I took him up on his offer. I guess he does still love me.

    Friday – Plans with a friend who just got her coin for being sober for 9 months. She gave me lots of good insights into what it is like to be an alcoholic. Was out till late and had fun. When I got home, I was chatty and sweet as usual, and told him I had fun.

    Saturday – Did my own thing all day. Then I took some stuff out to the trash in the afternoon and walked past him while he was drinking his first beer.

    He asked if we could talk. I said only if it is not going to be an angry conversation. He said I wouldn’t have asked again if I did not know the ground rules.

    So, I’m not sure if what I said was quite a Rori speach, but I talked him about what I observed, and how it affected me.

    First I told him that I had always loved him, etc. I tried to tell him how things looked from my perspective. How he was stressed out at work, and that makes him more crabby, and cited examples from the past where he knew he was crabby. I talked about how the complaining and criticism and anger had been taking a toll on my and it has been building up, and when we are alone I can take it, but in front of other people it is too much. I told him that I have had enough of the criticism, and anger. I told him I did not want to go on vacation because I did not want to fight. I told him I hold way too much inside and that is why I want to go to a marriage counselor because I don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He said that as long as we are talking now, I might as well get it out.

    So then I started talking about the drinking and that the more you drink alcohol, and the longer you drink, it changes your personality just like smoking pot does. The side affects are there even when you are not drinking. Drinking turns you into an angry person. And I gave an example of the friend who just got the 9 month AA pin, who is a really meek soft spoken person. When she was drinking, she never got angry around other people, but she said she sure yelled and raged at her kids a lot. And then afterwards she took another drink because she felt bad.

    I worked in love into the conversation many times. And I told him that I felt like I had been doing so much work to try to improve the marriage, and did everything he had asked me to do to change, but I felt like I was all alone in the battle to save the marriage.

    Then when the conversation was done, I got up and said I just can’t take the anger and criticism anymore, and that something has got to change.

    Poor guy sat out on the porch and drank the rest of the afternoon and evening. (The conversation was at around 5:00). More in the next post.



  42.  #43Smile on July 2, 2012 at 10:33 am

    For a while now as I have been falling asleep I have been imagining him lying behind me holding me. I can feel the warmth of his skin and I feel loved and secure.

    Then a few days ago it happened, he was really there. I was questioning if I should let him stay over but I thought in my head this is what I’ve been visualising and he’s finally here for real. He wants to see me in the week now too.

    I’m thinking of a speech to say so that I can tell him that I would like to go out on dates and not just stay in. This way he won’t stay over too much. I have already given him the no sex speech and rebuilding intimacy.



  43.  #44Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Then Sunday am, he went to the grocery store as he usually does. When he came home, he said he had a carmel pecan roll with my name on it. (Sweet.)

    Then when I sat with him on the porch to eat it, he said he decided that he drank his last beer last night. He didn’t want to turn into and angry drunk like his friend from HS and he didn’t want to get a divorce.

    He said he won’t go to marriage counseling with me, but he wants me to go on vaca with him. He will cancel the vaca if I choose not to join him. He agreed to go to meetings. He hates AA, but said he will try Smart Recovery, which is an alternative. And he agreed that he had not been doing his share in trying to improve the marriage.

    (That friend of his from HS, who he has been friends with since age 10 hit rock bottom last year, and is struggling to get out of it – wife left him for another woman, his kid quit HS, he lost his job, lost his house, got 2 DWI’s including an assaulting an officer job, and his siblings don’t trust him, they think he is an angry drunk and think he will never change.)

    I think that the fear of turning into an angry rock bottom divorced drunk is what got to him.



  44.  #45Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

    So, I got my miracle. Really, this is a miracle. He said he was going to quit drinking. I have been dreaming of this for so very long. And he will stick to it.

    Though he did say that if I didn’t like him after another year or two, then, well…. (I guess that means we are done). But I think if we can both proceed with an intent to do things differently, we can come though this better than ever.

    I thanked him and told him how happy and relived I felt multiple times yesterday.

    Now the challenge is to get him going to the meetings, and keep him going. Otherwise he will be a dry drunk. And I need to be a loving supportive wife, and continue to have my own life too (find my own happiness and not focus on him and his problem. it is his.)



  45.  #46Smile on July 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

    I love spending time with you. It feels great when we do things away from the house too. It feels like more quality time together where we can talk and get to know each other again. It would be exciting to go on a date with you. What do you think?

    Any tweaks sirens…?



  46.  #47Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Hopeful, WOW



  47.  #48Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

    “It feels great when we do things away from the house too.” seems like directing to me. Maybe I would include “I miss ………………………..” maybe dressing up and going on proper dates or whatever you like to do with him.



  48.  #49Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

    So now I have this possible opportunity to make a deal with him: I will agree to go on vacation with him (we leave saturday) if he agrees to make some sort of commitment to go to a meeting. It is so hard to go to those meetings, but I really want him to go.

    I don’t want to come across as controlling, but I want him to agree to go to a meeting the week we come back from vacation, then then agree to at least one meeting a week. Can I ask that? Is it too much?

    I also want to make sure he does not become a hermit. He does not like to go to social events when he is not drinking because he feels out of place when he can’t drink.

    I want to ask about him making a deal with me about committing to going to a meeting a week, starting the week after we come back from vacation.

    Is that too much to ask?

    Any feedback from anyone with experience with this would be appreciated.

    And yes, I will start attending beginner Al Anon meetings too.

    Thanks for reading all this. I really cannot believe I got my miracle. I think it was all about me focusing on me and getting stronger, strong enough to say enough is enough. And strong enough to speak my truth. At last.



  49.  #50Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Hopeful it sounds like trading. I am not sure it will work long term.



  50.  #51Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Feminewoman – What would you suggest. That I just trust him? Or just ask if he has a plan for when he will start going to meetings?



  51.  #52Smile on July 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I like that tweak thanks femininewoman!



  52.  #53lk on July 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

    hopeful…. wow… ((((((hopeful))))))



  53.  #54Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Maybe ask him if he is willing to make any commitments to you about it. Also tell him that you know he is a good man and that you trust him to do what he knows is best for him. Don’t expect him to trap himself in a cage that you will be constantly checking on. I believe that would be too much work for your heart to handle.



  54.  #55lk on July 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

    hopeful, i don’t think you will have to pressure him to go to meetings…. you’ve inspired him to offer to stop drinking ! how amazing…. what a gift he is offering to you… i think you can just gush to him again…. wow… i really feel safe & excited to be with you because i feel so happy around you when you are happy & clear-minded without alcohol…. or you can say, wow i feel so glad that you will be my date to that party…. that’s not controlling him; that’s just affirming to him that you do love him & you love him because of who he is



  55.  #56lk on July 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

    & if for some unpleasant reason some days, months, or years down the road, he “re-lapses”, then maybe you can just say… aw baby i feel sad to see your eyes go dim like that… are you ok ? …. are we ok ? …. ok, i love you…. hug, walk away, take care of yourself



  56.  #57Smile on July 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Hopeful, I’ve been doing a lot of work visualising and thinking about the law of attraction. Maybe you could imagine him doing all the things you want him to do rather than tell him what to do…



  57.  #58Smile on July 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

    “learn how to put words together that are respectful, non-demanding and yet truly express what it is you want, what it is you need and what it is you feel – in a way that makes his heart want to get closer to your heart.”



  58.  #59Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Smile…. your last comment made me smile>>>



  59.  #60Smile on July 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

     it’s the essence of Roris tools



  60.  #61Smile on July 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Thank you Rori for this blog!



  61.  #62Calypso on July 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

    I’m excited!

    It looks like farmer CD and I will finally get to meet tonight – the weather is cooperating finally!

    he emailed me earlier that it was starting to rain where he is. I said that if it rained here (We live 2 hours apart), that I was going to go outside and dance in it! He said he wanted to dance in the rain with me – for me to wait until we could do it together!!!!

    Sign me up!!!

    We talked about what we had for lunch and then he said he was thinking about taking a short nap – since it was finally raining. I said that sounded heavenly and he told me to take the rest of the day off and come nap with him . . .

    Lol – I replied that we should probably meet in person before we planned any afternoon napping together. 30 minutes later he replied that he had fallen asleep thinking of me – Awwwwww……. Nice!



  62.  #63Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Thanks FW – That is good advice. I need to trust him. You are right on. I like that.

    And LK – you are correct about the gushing. I did do quite bit of thanking and telling him how happy I felt yesterday. I also told him I was proud of him, but he did not like that comment. I think the gushing has to be a slow build up, but I totally agree with you that I need to focus on that. Just saying how happy I feel is a good thing.

    And Smile – I have been visualizing for months. But I had been visualizing nightly for about the last month or so. And it worked. So, I agree, now I visualize him going to meetings and it having a positive affect on our marriage, and visualize fun events. And if he won’t go with me, I will go out and have fun myself. I do need to take care of myself too.



  63.  #64Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    The reason I am being so focused on him going to the meetings is because he did quit drinking for one year a few years ago. And stuck to his commitment, so I am not worried about that. But he was miserable and crabby all year, and was a hermit. That is why I want him to go to meetings. He needs some support, some plan to help him now that he will not have the beer to numb his pain. That is why I am so focused on the meetings. I fear that he will not be successful unless he comes up with some “treatment” plan.



  64.  #65Smile on July 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Should I have let him stay over thoughts getting in my head!



  65.  #66Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

    “It doesn’t interest me
    what you do for a living.
    I want to know
    what you ache for
    and if you dare to dream
    of meeting your heart’s longing.

    It doesn’t interest me
    how old you are.
    I want to know
    if you will risk
    looking like a fool
    for love
    for your dream
    for the adventure of being alive.

    It doesn’t interest me

    what planets are
    squaring your moon…

    I want to know
    if you have touched
    the centre of your own sorrow
    if you have been opened
    by life’s betrayals
    or have become shrivelled and closed
    from fear of further pain.

    I want to know
    if you can sit with pain
    mine or your own
    without moving to hide it
    or fade it
    or fix it.

    I want to know
    if you can be with joy
    mine or your own
    if you can dance with wildness
    and let the ecstasy fill you
    to the tips of your fingers and toes
    without cautioning us
    to be careful
    to be realistic
    to remember the limitations
    of being human.

    It doesn’t interest me
    if the story you are telling me
    is true.

    I want to know if you can
    disappoint another
    to be true to yourself.
    If you can bear
    the accusation of betrayal
    and not betray your own soul.
    If you can be faithless
    and therefore trustworthy.

    I want to know if you can see Beauty
    even when it is not pretty
    every day.

    And if you can source your own life
    from its presence.

    I want to know
    if you can live with failure
    yours and mine
    and still stand at the edge of the lake
    and shout to the silver of the full moon,
    “Yes.”

    It doesn’t interest me
    to know where you live
    or how much money you have.

    I want to know if you can get up
    after the night of grief and despair
    weary and bruised to the bone
    and do what needs to be done
    to feed the children.

    It doesn’t interest me
    who you know
    or how you came to be here.

    I want to know if you will stand
    in the centre of the fire
    with me
    and not shrink back.

    It doesn’t interest me
    where or what or with whom
    you have studied.

    I want to know
    what sustains you
    from the inside
    when all else falls away.

    I want to know
    if you can be alone
    with yourself
    and if you truly like
    the company you keep
    in the empty moments.”

    By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
    from the book The Invitation



  66.  #67Starla on July 2, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    that is a beautiful poem



  67.  #68Brandylion on July 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    FW, #65: This blog seriously needs a “Like” button. That poem would make an excellent dating profile…



  68.  #69Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Got it some time ago from Dr. Paul Dobransky. I like to review things to remind myself.

    “You’ve perhaps (I hope) already stopped
    initiating conversations and sex and affection.
    And still, your man may only step up very
    little of the time.
    So – here’s a Tool to increase your POWER in
    this situation – and that’s to: BE A POND.
    Okay, so what does that look like – to be a
    pond?
    Well, a pond is a gatherer. Water comes in and
    stays in the pond, like it’s a cup.
    A pond is also deep. It has a bottom that’s
    earth, and sometimes the earth gets stirred up and
    the pond gets cloudy and dark, and sometimes it’s
    still and everything solid falls to the bottom and
    the pond is clear.
    A pond is a RESERVOIR. It HOLDS things.
    And, it nurtures ITSELF.
    A pond feeds the greenery all around it, and
    the fish and frogs and one-celled creatures that
    live in it. A pond supports life.
    And if you go to a pond, you can drink, you can
    find something to eat, you can relax, you can lay
    down and be yourself.
    A pond doesn’t jump up when you call or fix
    dinner when you ask it to.
    A pond doesn’t start sex, but once you wade in,
    a pond responds with everything from gentle swirls
    to powerful waves.
    A pond can be small, or a pond can be big – it
    can be a LAKE, actually.
    So how does that look on the couch when you’re
    watching TV?
    That looks like you leaning way back and away
    from him and putting your feet up on his lap.
    That looks like you taking off your shirt and
    just sitting there topless.
    That looks like you having your own snack and
    not even offering to take care of him.
    That looks like you laughing your head off at
    what you’re watching on TV and not even THINKING
    about HIM or whether or not he’s going to touch
    you.
    That looks like, if he’s standoffish, saying
    (during the commercial or when the show’s over) “I
    feel a bit disconnected…is there anything I
    should know?”
    Or…”This feels a bit weird and lonely to me.”
    Or…”I feel untouched. It doesn’t feel good.”
    Or…”I don’t enjoy being invited into the
    bedroom to join you and you’re already lying
    down…it just feels too passive to me. I liked
    it when you grabbed my hair and kissed me
    passionately that time in the parking lot…I miss
    that…”
    Ponds talk. They speak their feelings. AND a
    pond does not jump out of the earth.
    And…remember this…if a pond does not get
    watered, by the clouds, or by a stream or river
    that flows into it – it will dry up.
    Do you feel dried up?
    That’s an awful feeling.
    A pond might say “I feel like I’m drying up…”
    So – it’s not enough to just ACT like a pond
    and not Overfunction. You have to FEEL like a
    pond.
    You have to not even let your brain get to
    worrying about what he’s doing – because that
    would be like the pond worrying about how the
    river is flowing – and ponds don’t worry.
    Ponds are way too busy supporting all the pond
    creatures that live inside it – like YOU attend to
    your body, and your heart, and your hair, and your
    nails and your feet, and your sensuality and your
    orgasms, and what’s really important to you out in
    the world, and everything that’s related to your
    PLEASURE.
    If he can learn to act like a River – he will.
    He’ll all of a sudden start flowing to you –
    because that’s what men are programmed to do.
    Men we meet and know may have LEARNED to be
    ponds – but inside their DNA, inside the cells of
    their bodies, is a HUGE, overpowering desire to be
    a River and to flow to the woman who can RECEIVE
    everything he wants to GIVE.
    And, if he can’t – if he’s damaged or broken,
    or just cannot learn anything new – then you’ll
    know.
    And the most amazing thing is – by then – you
    won’t CARE.
    By the time you’ve settled into the
    gloriousness of being a pond in a romantic
    relationship – if he isn’t acting like a River,
    you’re going to be bored.
    Yes, – you’ll be bored with him. You’ll
    be done.
    No pain, no heartache – just “ick..I seem to
    have lost it for him…”
    Try Being a pond. Try imagining yourself not
    only ACTING like a pond, and leaning back and
    cutting back on all that you’ve been doing in the
    relationship – and try imagining yourself FEELING
    like a pond.
    Soft, in the ground, open, warm, inviting,
    liquid, constantly changeable and growing – a
    beautiful combination of dark earth and clear
    water – a fertile place for love.
    And when you sit across from him at dinner, or
    next to him on the couch in front of the TV – FEEL
    like a pond.”



  69.  #70Linda on July 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Goldenflower: from the last thread you wrote several things that I feel that are in my heart and head and they came out your fingers and typed the words.

    I feel sad and afraid of my sadness. I feel upset with me for taking what this man gave me. I feel upset about stuffing things, I rationalized them as picking my battles which has validity but I stuffed too much for my mental and emotional health. THere were soooo many things I hated, and could barely deal with about him and his behavior. I did the out the window thing so much. I got so good at it that I would riff that way and before I knew it I was not angry at him. THe bad thing was it was a coping mechanism and not a tool to make it better.

    Goldenflower,…. you dont want a depressed man. I thought helping, listening, (that is my nature)… would make it better. Doing my own thing did not affect him either. He just was existing and not engaged in life with me. A depressed man is like a milstone …. it sucks all the life and vitality and confidence out of you. I DONT WANT a man like this anymore. it sucks! This depressed man was NOT a giver. He was a TAKER. When he was able to rally the energy it was still all about him. It was NEVER about me. He was never enthusiasic about ME or US. He acted like I was just a thing he was with until he could do better for himself. I did not feel important or valued because I wasnt. Everything he did and didn’t do proved it.

    I had an awesome initial connection with this man… he was charming, handsome, funny, … It felt good at first… then the negative, distant, harsh, selfcentered, unavailable man showed up and never left. No amount of support or giving or understanding helped. It did not create love.

    He was given an opportunity to feast at a banqueting table and all he could do is complain it as not the “kind of food he wanted” (me)

    So this man has given you a gift! Truely given you a wonderful gift by withdrawing.

    Linda



  70.  #71Lena on July 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    We were talking till 1 am. He called me back, than I was calling him and so back and forth. I initiated the whole thing though.

    He was after me for many month and he was through a lot with me. I wasnt healed well and I was pushing him back all the time, breaking up with him. For 5 month straight. He would come to my house in the middle of the night just to talk and calm me. Once he sat outside my house, waiting for me for 8 hours, sick just to talk. I was scared to have any relationship and I was honest about it. I noticed a shift a month ago. At that time I started feeling. Actually I felt it even before but I was too scared. He tells me now that he doesnt feel the same about me, he is not interested, he made up his mind and it took him 2 weeks to come up with this decision. That it was hard to make. That he was after me for so long with no hope and he knows he doesnt feel it anymore. I told him that its ok to feel like that after he was going through with me, that he is just tired, its a phase and things will turn around. He keeps telling me that he chats with another girl for a week, that he looks around and doesnt want to cheat or hurt me. That he needs to stay focused on his work. He seems happy and ok. I tried my best. He wants to be single. Is this really a phase or I am fooling myself here? He keeps telling me that he will talk to me in person tomorrow but why if he said it all already to me? I feel shocked and like I am back to my ex – it all started and ended the same way. Why he wants to tell it to me in person I just dont get – all was said already. He said he wont change his mind.



  71.  #72T-Girl on July 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Omg, the guy that brought me to this blog just emailed me and said he should have jumped at the chance with me. It is true that they try to come back. So sorry dude. No thanks.



  72.  #73New Hopeful on July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Rori – I took a new name so you would see this. Please take a look at my comments under the name “Hopeful”. Note that there are several. Would love to hear your feedback. I consider myself a Rori Raye success story.



  73.  #74Femininewoman on July 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Dr. Paul breaks the poem down with his own interpretations but it is 3 pages long so I can only share snippets.
    In that poem, we find a wealth of material to look at in terms of understanding men, and certainly in “reading” their behavior for seriousness about you, your relationship, and respect for you.
    First off, the name of the poem itself implies great boundaries on the part of the author. It’s only an “invitation,” which in and of itself, recognizes that all relationships are VOLUNTARY – when first attracting, when dating, when boyfriend/girlfriend, and yes, even DURING marriage. Because of boundaries, men and women who get together never completely “own” or “control” each other.
    They are perpetually not on “good behavior,” but are accountable for being themselves in a way that pleases the other person, makes them happy, hopefully makes them desirous of us, and through the process of dating and courtship itself, leads us to ONLY THE RIGHT PERSON for our lives…
    For a man to get serious about you though, he will absolutely need to sense that you “get it” as far as how important his career is to his identity, and more – that your presence in his life will actually be as much a boon to that career as his presence is to your “purpose as a woman.”
    This doesn’t have as much to do with being a “good time” or “party animal” as it does in referencing the nature of SHAME.
    Men who fear dancing in public, speaking their minds, or giving in too easily to your requests or demands, don’t just “lack a spine.” they may be carrying around shame.
    We define it as the opposite or depletion of the gender instinct – so shame in men means they lack masculinity. If they lack masculinity, they will be less desirable, and desire you less if you are not a source of this. They will also not be pleasant to be around because they will lack “passion for life.”
    Voila – boring date. So the guy who can’t dance is not jsut boring because he can’t dance. It’s also that he lacks masculinity. And it needs to be more than YOU who provide a boost of that…



  74.  #75Starla on July 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    wow, T-girl!



  75.  #76Starla on July 2, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    my coworker was kind enough to take me to lunch today because i forgot my wallet. And he brought his roommate with him… hot guy. flirted with me hardcore. totally cocky, not my type. but it felt fun. i am very desirable:)



  76.  #77Tam on July 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Yeah, the do…come back.
    Another one did for me too, I had not heard from him for months, we used to date about a couple of years back but there was no spark, it was a kind of fwb situation – we were super friends though…had a lot of fun on dates etc.
    He is in a relationship and just emailed me to ask how I was doing….we exchanged a few emails, and I said I felt happy that he found love (this is such a lovely guy).
    He said: please tam, don’t be a stranger anymore, it would be nice to hear how you are doing…I want to keep in touch.

    Wow….perhaps I have taken the ‘leaning back’ to a bit of an extreme..ho ho ho.



  77.  #78T-Girl on July 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Starla, that was over 1.5 years ago but I admit I feel flattered.



  78.  #79Smile on July 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I am a pond



  79.  #80Smile on July 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I have finally found comfort in living alone.

    But living alone doesn’t mean I am alone.

    I love my own company

    (((me)))



  80.  #81Smile on July 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    I felt and acknowledge a bit of fear that crept my way and then I took a shower and moved on.

    I am going to read before I sleep now because I enjoy it, not because it stops me from thinking and I can pretend to have a different life.

    Oh the progress she has made. Thanks sirens.



  81.  #82Linda on July 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    #68 O my !!!

    I can hardly see thru my tears.

    This has touched me deeply…..

    I was a pond in this last relationship. I am a pond…I am almost dried up… but deep in the bottom of me is a small natural spring covered with rocks and painful sharp sticks…

    He never became the river. He did not flow into me. He was depressed and damaged and did not want to learn anything new.. he just wanted to come and drink and lay around but never gave to the pond… only took from me. I resent him, coming to the pond asking of it but never giving and flowing into it.

    I did not know that a pond spoke. I should have said the things that the pond said. I felt that way. Now I will never be a quite pond again.

    By reading these words I feel like I have been struck with lighting and it has reached the bottom of the pond and moved all the stones and sticks rocks and sticks that has been hindering the tiny spring in the bottom. I will never be completely dry not while my heart is still beating.

    _______

    I am so drawn to water. I am a pond! This is the very thing I needed to read. I feel calm and undistressed. Thank you sooo much for posting this Feminewoman. I dont believe in horoscopes but there is something to signs. I am a Pisces. Water speaks and rejuvinates me. Every man that I have been drawn to or had any connection with has been a scorpio. Another water sign….

    I feel understanding inside me… I truely have had a changing revelation after reading this.

    (((( feminewoman))))

    Linda



  82.  #83lk on July 2, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    ((((((((new hopeful)))))))))



  83.  #84Starla on July 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    T-girl, what happened with him? I feel so curious.

    And you should feel flattered. You’re an amazing goddess:). Of course he came back.



  84.  #85Smile on July 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I’m finally starting to get how to ‘just feel’ and it feels warm and inviting, adventurous and secure.



  85.  #86T-Girl on July 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Starla, this was pre-Rori so I was totally operating in masculine energy and chasing. But, the man I am with now is 1 million times better.



  86.  #87Rori Raye on July 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    OMG Femininewoman – Thank you for this – it’s awe-inspiring…Love, Rori



  87.  #88Starla on July 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    I would like to manifest a picnic with a nice gentleman this summer. He brings the food and the beverages and the blanket and takes care of it all. Mmmmm yes, that would feel LOVELY. I love love love picnics.



  88.  #89Starla on July 2, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    yay t-girl, so glad to hear:)

    Did the pre-rori guy dump you? and now he’s come crawling back?

    did you answer the guy?

    i’m full of questions:)



  89.  #90T-Girl on July 2, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Yes he just kind of poofed but he had a bit of drama himself. I did answer him and told him I was in a great relationship for over a year now and wished him well. 🙂



  90.  #91LoveAlways on July 2, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    When I feel myself chasing CD Song I let my boy energy get me to a date with another man. I have no other solution except doing stuff for myself, but that does not help when I’m having a really strong urge to hear from him or see him. I get into the feeling and don’t let it overwhelm me, but I STILL WANT TO LEAN FORWARD AND GET THAT MAN . . . so the only answer to hang out with a different man. Works most of the time. I feel needy & ashamed admitted that ((((((LoveAlways)))))))



  91.  #92lk on July 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    i feel kind of angry & abandoned. i love my huffy, overly-sensitive feelings. i feel a little resentful & greedy. i love my resentment & my greed. i feel hurt, i feel things have been unfair, i feel certain that other people are not as kind as they should be… i love my illusions of pain…. i feel slice-y & fractured. the back side of my right brain hurts. my knee is weirdly over-stimulated. my elbows ache. i love my knobbly little body. i feel afraid of the woman judging me in her mind, “stupid, vacuous, insignificant, babbling, self-absorbed, selfish, mean, spoiled, delusional, wimpy, good-for-nothing, difficult, unpleasant” i feel afraid of the men just thinking, “txts. xss from the back. pump. pump. pump. cxm in her face.” i love my fearful stories & i love my fear. my tummy feels gurgly, like i swallowed a balloon. i love my bloated tum. my elbows really really hurt. i love my hurt & i love my judgement of my pain as wimpiness. i love myself & i don’t mind at all what you do, little girl. this is your one life. just do what you feel, please… & please do it with Love only… i feel really excited by how loving i can be toward the parts of me that seem slimy or dangerous….. i love my swamp-monster self : )



  92.  #93Brandylion on July 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/30/if-love-hurts/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+positivelypositive%2Fpositive+%28Positively+Positive%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

    This part particularly struck me:

    Philosopher William James wrote about how he viewed the world as having two kinds of people: Once-Born and Twice-Born. James described Once-Born people as never wandering too far from the safety of who they thought they were. When a crisis arrived, pushing them to enter into dark places where they might find hidden parts of themselves, they never bothered to flip those self-illumination switches. They chose instead to remain sitting in the dark.

    In contrast, Twice-Born people use a shake up in their outer world as an opportunity to wake up their inner world—seeking a more profound view on life and their purpose and potential in it. Twice-Born people view crisis as an initiation by fire into a more conscious, more fulfilling way of living.

    I am Twice-Born. PriestCD is Once-Born. All of us here are Twice-Born.

    ((((us))))



  93.  #94lk on July 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    i got scared by something i heard on the television & cd came in from the other room (not “knowing” i felt scared) just to kiss me & say, “don’t worry, baby. that’s not true.”



  94.  #95Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    FW what a beautiful poem!



  95.  #96Starla on July 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    it feels so uncomfortable when my friends treat me a certain way because I make more money than them. First of all, they have no idea exactly how much I make, and it’s really not a whoooole lot. I just manage my money very well, and I dedicated years and years to cleaning up my credit, so I have more opportunities to afford things they can’t. Second of all, I do have bills… and they don’t pay theirs. So, in the end, we probably have the same amount of expendable cash.

    And I don’t feel at all okay explaining this to anyone. And I shouldn’t have to defend my “prosperity” to my “friends” anyway. They should be happy for me, if anything. But I understand how it is when you feel down on your luck and jealous of others.

    Like my guy friend who texts me all the time “you should buy me X for my birthday.” Um, no, I shouldn’t, guy. YOU should find a source of income, darling. Stop being afraid to get off the couch and find your masculine energy.

    I’m just venting.

    I told my one friend today when she started talking about how much I make, “this conversation is making me feel uncomfortable.”

    She apologized immediately. Yay!



  96.  #97Daria on July 2, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    “You’ve perhaps (I hope) already stopped
    initiating conversations and sex and affection.
    And still, your man may only step up very
    little of the time.
    So – here’s a Tool to increase your POWER in
    this situation – and that’s to: BE A POND.
    Okay, so what does that look like – to be a
    pond?
    Well, a pond is a gatherer. Water comes in and
    stays in the pond, like it’s a cup.
    A pond is also deep. It has a bottom that’s
    earth, and sometimes the earth gets stirred up and
    the pond gets cloudy and dark, and sometimes it’s
    still and everything solid falls to the bottom and
    the pond is clear.
    A pond is a RESERVOIR. It HOLDS things.
    And, it nurtures ITSELF.
    A pond feeds the greenery all around it, and
    the fish and frogs and one-celled creatures that
    live in it. A pond supports life.
    And if you go to a pond, you can drink, you can
    find something to eat, you can relax, you can lay
    down and be yourself.
    A pond doesn’t jump up when you call or fix
    dinner when you ask it to.
    A pond doesn’t start sex, but once you wade in,
    a pond responds with everything from gentle swirls
    to powerful waves.
    A pond can be small, or a pond can be big – it
    can be a LAKE, actually.
    So how does that look on the couch when you’re
    watching TV?
    That looks like you leaning way back and away
    from him and putting your feet up on his lap.
    That looks like you taking off your shirt and
    just sitting there topless.
    That looks like you having your own snack and
    not even offering to take care of him.
    That looks like you laughing your head off at
    what you’re watching on TV and not even THINKING
    about HIM or whether or not he’s going to touch
    you.
    That looks like, if he’s standoffish, saying
    (during the commercial or when the show’s over) “I
    feel a bit disconnected…is there anything I
    should know?”
    Or…”This feels a bit weird and lonely to me.”
    Or…”I feel untouched. It doesn’t feel good.”
    Or…”I don’t enjoy being invited into the
    bedroom to join you and you’re already lying
    down…it just feels too passive to me. I liked
    it when you grabbed my hair and kissed me
    passionately that time in the parking lot…I miss
    that…”
    Ponds talk. They speak their feelings. AND a
    pond does not jump out of the earth.
    And…remember this…if a pond does not get
    watered, by the clouds, or by a stream or river
    that flows into it – it will dry up.
    Do you feel dried up?
    That’s an awful feeling.
    A pond might say “I feel like I’m drying up…”
    So – it’s not enough to just ACT like a pond
    and not Overfunction. You have to FEEL like a
    pond.
    You have to not even let your brain get to
    worrying about what he’s doing – because that
    would be like the pond worrying about how the
    river is flowing – and ponds don’t worry.
    Ponds are way too busy supporting all the pond
    creatures that live inside it – like YOU attend to
    your body, and your heart, and your hair, and your
    nails and your feet, and your sensuality and your
    orgasms, and what’s really important to you out in
    the world, and everything that’s related to your
    PLEASURE.
    If he can learn to act like a River – he will.
    He’ll all of a sudden start flowing to you –
    because that’s what men are programmed to do.
    Men we meet and know may have LEARNED to be
    ponds – but inside their DNA, inside the cells of
    their bodies, is a HUGE, overpowering desire to be
    a River and to flow to the woman who can RECEIVE
    everything he wants to GIVE.
    And, if he can’t – if he’s damaged or broken,
    or just cannot learn anything new – then you’ll
    know.
    And the most amazing thing is – by then – you
    won’t CARE.
    By the time you’ve settled into the
    gloriousness of being a pond in a romantic
    relationship – if he isn’t acting like a River,
    you’re going to be bored.
    Yes, – you’ll be bored with him. You’ll
    be done.
    No pain, no heartache – just “ick..I seem to
    have lost it for him…”
    Try Being a pond. Try imagining yourself not
    only ACTING like a pond, and leaning back and
    cutting back on all that you’ve been doing in the
    relationship – and try imagining yourself FEELING
    like a pond.
    Soft, in the ground, open, warm, inviting,
    liquid, constantly changeable and growing – a
    beautiful combination of dark earth and clear
    water – a fertile place for love.
    And when you sit across from him at dinner, or
    next to him on the couch in front of the TV – FEEL
    like a pond.”



  97.  #98Daria on July 2, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Dr Paul Dobransky is cute… hes ‘wrong’ on a lot of things 🙂

    so cute… guys 🙂

    with their structured musings

    his model is static

    it doesnt include “healing”

    🙂

    of course i am enough

    🙂



  98.  #99mali on July 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    FW, I was just wowed by that poem <3



  99.  #100Memulo on July 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    I realized that I’ve been chasing SmartCD recently. What contributes to this is that i feel closer to him, so I want to make plans and he is always a last minute plan person. It’s his personality. So I don’t know whether we don’t have plans together or he just didn’t start working on them. Ever. I said I’d love to go away together for at least part of this week since I will have days off, but I have no idea if this is happening. I don’t know if he is even in the picture for July 4th or he will spend it with his family that I wasn’t introduced to. I said I was supposed to have a difficult interaction at work today and felt surprised not to hear from him on how I am going to address it and he said he was tired from heat last night. There was still time to talk before the work conversation happened or even now after it happened but he is not asking. I feel weird.



  100.  #101Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    i love smoking mj 🙂 wat a wonderful world!

    i too am gonna practice saying

    “I dont feel comfortable discussing money when asked “how do you get money”

    its almost like being asked “how much do you make?”

    which my mom said u shouldnt tell people

    and i can tell people everything cuz its my magic

    i want everyone to live like me

    free

    i took

    grassfed beef ground

    organic vegetables

    and surinami fish crab flavored – like in California rolls

    and shrimp

    and im gonna make it

    yum

    im gonna cook it in some butter too and i was cravving that with avocado

    and now i have some

    and also organic tomatoes yellow onions red and green bell peppers brocolli

    and sme yoghurt

    all that organic

    cuz we do it big over here

    players ball

    me and my money honey make sure i always got money

    cuz money gots my back

    and i get it how i live

    and i live soooo phat

    and rich and good

    im like the princess

    right now

    at my girls house with red curtains and purple light

    and men clamoring

    to see us

    yeahayah yahooooo

    i feel SOO uncomfortable posting myself

    who cares aobut you

    everyone already dismissed u here

    maybe u shiuld go somewhere lese

    learn when to move on

    🙁

    no

    i dont ant to move on

    this is my story of my battle

    fuchker fuchk dog

    ugh

    nobody gives a gujk a bout me

    and i just gotta live it like that

    and give a guhk about me

    and Money and inaminate objects gibe a fuchk about me

    and everyone hates

    and my brother is dead and now he know

    i lovr you BAE!!!!!!

    🙂

    i m a happy Daria and im doing it BIGT

    in this life

    i used to run out the back door of safeway carts full of shrimp steak and drank and throw a hood bbq

    not sure if you wre there for that BRA

    i love my my FUDE my lovely sweet dude awwwhhh

    i wanted to see you a gain
    you got a pretty ass babymama

    i love your baby i looked at the pics

    my head feels tight and like imploding

    my chest feels pressed

    im gonna cry

    i love you i love you i love you

    its ok

    its ok i mean who can blame you choosing to die

    it IS very insteresting plus i miss our other brothers too

    ACCCH

    this pain in my chest

    im gonna cry

    i feel sad

    i dono why i feel so sad like i said i can talk to u everyday

    death is just a veil

    right?

    i dont have to be sad

    its probably YOU thats sad

    dude

    its ok

    you dont have to be sad youll still be here

    with me

    i love you

    big head square aww i miss u im crying again

    my other brother when he went didnt feel like this

    awww my big head baby

    (((((my baby))))))

    thanks

    (((((me)))))

    yeah

    im GOOD

    you know u better go find ronnie

    u know what im sayn

    awww

    yall gonna be right here

    i dono

    i dono

    about turning back time

    hmmm

    wake u up from the dead when everyone die

    stop

    hellseeker

    stop being so freaked out dude

    youre fine

    youre just dead

    just enjoy it

    what there is about it

    youll sitll be here

    part of all of us

    ugh

    im feeling sleepy

    i bet

    you are probably tired

    being dead and all

    that

    lol 🙂

    hella funny

    daria is always in sprit world

    so you know i got your back

    ohhhh big sigh of relief ok

    we’re together

    🙂

    im practricing being FEminine 🙂

    im not doing a great job right ghit second

    AND im judging myself now

    i miss u!

    i thought for sure we was going to kick it Alive

    anyway now wwere gonna kcik it like this

    its all good

    all goodie

    im bout to roll another

    i dont smoke blunts no more cuz i smoke paper

    raw hemp paper thats it. no otgers

    i got this gourmet high class food

    im bout to talk to bra and see wat they doing

    i aint talk to sis cuz i was mad at her but i told her buout u

    sigh

    i be drinkin fiji water

    damn dude

    u had to die to come kick it w me? really?

    pffff th 😛



  101.  #102Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    me and my friends have imaginary relationships with each other

    but theyre not imaginary, its like we share a psychic space

    where we talk the same and feel feeligns in our hearts thas specific to our group

    its like a bonding connection culture way of our fam group

    it feels sooo noursishing and safe and home and recharing and loving



  102.  #103Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Daria you are magnificent
    e
    xtravagant

    and i love kickin it with YOU!!!!!!



  103.  #104siren song on July 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    i’m here chilling at home with my dog watching TMR and not chasing any man. i feel vulnerable.

    and i feel strong. i haven’t felt the need to contact any guy today…they’re not in front of me.

    actually, a CD from a while ago popped up today and did text me. and we had a nice exchange. i almost forgot.



  104.  #105Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I am SO feeling my vibe!

    i am SPECIAL

    i am DIFFERENT!

    i am OUTTA THIS WORLD

    MY OWN WORLD

    I FIND MYSELF FASCINATING

    and MEN DO TOO

    and that FEELS

    THRILLING!!!

    OMG!

    OMG!

    OMG!

    WAVES OF THRILL ROCKING ME WHILE IM HOLDING ON TIGHT!!!

    WHAT IF I LET GO!>???

    ILL ORGASM!!

    AND BE SOOOO

    EMBARASSED

    AND HUMILIATED

    I CANT LET THEM SEE ME

    :(((

    I FEEL MISREABLE

    UGH

    whoa

    that felt deep trauma stuff

    i want to heal this

    thank u

    omg

    i want to feel good feeling trhilled

    i want to feel good orgasming

    i want to feel healed

    i dont want to feel humiliated

    i dont want to feel miserable

    i dont want to feel embarassed

    i want to feel GOOD

    i want to feel happy

    i want to feel powerful and free!

    🙂 🙂 🙂



  105.  #106Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    siren song – are any men contacting you online?

    what would be an ideal way a man could squeeze into your life Right now? (just asking for inspiration imagination purposes)

    maybe bring you food ?? or… i feel curious what ways u would think a man could please contribute to your very moment …



  106.  #107Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    for me at this moment… a man could rub my back

    a man could make me a delicious drink that took away my headache

    a man could cook me menudo from scratch

    a man could make me a wood carving and then show me how to make one

    a man could….

    writing this i feel sad

    i feel pleasure in feeling sad

    a man could offer me a ruby ring just because

    righ tnow ”

    a man could come cook my food for me

    a man could come perform a healing for me

    sigh

    this all feels OVERWHELMING!

    this is the feeling i get when men start contributing to my life

    im like no gett away i need SPACE!

    i cant think and breathe with all you doing stuff for me!!!

    UGH

    BACK UP!

    i SAID BACK UP!!!!

    back up men!

    i swear ill light this branch on fire and light you up too

    watch out

    back up

    slobbering doggs

    ugh

    i acnt take men that close to me!

    gee
    z

    i need space and rest and quiet to sleep

    i want them all to go away

    whe they go away i feel lonely

    i want one to rub me

    and tend my fire

    and show me how to carve wood

    and cook my food

    and then im bored of him

    i want to go out!!

    and meen more MEN!

    and i feel shameful and afraid

    i feel SHAME

    dobranksy style

    about my femininity that attracts all men not just one

    hmmmff

    i dotn have to be this is good for me to go out

    this man got to serve me and theres allways one who will when im ready to be served

    and when i need space i take it and do it the way i desvribed

    and the shame is eliminated

    now yay

    its ok to want to go out into the worl dna and be seen

    and assure every time that the ccurrent partner is the most loving partner

    the most worthy

    yay

    keep checking

    and he gets to keep winning

    and i keep happy and feminine



  107.  #108Daria on July 2, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    i dont totally agree with dobranskys focus on ‘career’ for men

    i think its not that and mens careers arent as important as he thinks they are

    its more on the miniscule day to day level that builds the umbrella – as in his leadership is always upholded

    yay rori stuff for me



  108.  #109siren song on July 2, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    hmmm… daria, yes…

    he could bring me food.

    he could take me to a movie.

    he could bring me a fan (it’s HOT here today).

    he could take me for coffee. i feel tired and need some caffeine.

    i am talking to guys online…none of them are really moving forward. still chatting, though.



  109.  #110siren song on July 2, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    ooh just saw a super-cute guy online. resisting the urge to lean forward…



  110.  #111Brandylion on July 2, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    As I was walking to class this morning, out of nowhere the thought came into my head, “Of course I’ll find someone else. How can I not; I’m amazing!”

    Maybe I really am finally starting to believe it.



  111.  #112siren song on July 2, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    I went out by myself to a bar. It feels fun. I love watching people.



  112.  #113siren song on July 2, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Brandylion,

    That sounds like what margaret paul would call your ‘guidance’: when your thoughts feel right and true, so you know you’re on the right track…that’s fabulous!



  113.  #114Memulo on July 2, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    I wonder why we are not becoming naturally closer.. I feel a distance and it’s not that I want to control him, but feeling surprised that it’s like I am hitting the wall sometimes when we are apart.



  114.  #115Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    ladies! I saw a guy who was like my visualization! it wasn’t exact, but it was close! he had the same feeling around him. And it was different from the kind of guy i’m usually attracted to! And he was riding the train to the area I expect my visualized guy to live!

    Ladies, the universe speaks to me, and is magic! It says, “he’s coming.”

    yes he is!



  115.  #116Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Wow Starla,
    That really made me smile. I feel happy and hopeful for you



  116.  #117Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    And I went to the gym in the evening because it wasn’t open this morning, and I stayed for TWO sessions, and I worked out like a beast. I just look incredible… I notice men approach me LESS now, but i’m catching the higher quality ones LOOKING at me covertly! I am taking it as a very good sign that men aren’t approaching me how they used to. It means they’re intimidated. Which doesn’t bother me one bit. 🙂



  117.  #118Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Aw thanks, emoticon. your comments to me always make me smile/feed good:)



  118.  #119Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    *feel



  119.  #120Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Starla,

    14 – I text with my friends, too. But Rori says phone contact with a man should be brief and to say I am only looking for getting to know men in person.



  120.  #121Starla on July 2, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Ummm you lost me now, Brenda. I must have missed something. Sorry. Maybe someone else can help you.



  121.  #122Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Tereana,

    Did you see Rori’s response to your surreal CDing story on this thread?

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/long-distance-for-2-12-years-how-can-any-woman-stay-sane-in-that-situation/

    What happened to you was strange, and what she said was fabulous! You sound like you are blossoming and doing some amazing things out there!

    Once I was at the beach when I saw a man who I thought was a public leader who I greatly admired. I had never seen him up close, so I just wasn’t sure. Finally I walked up to him and asked, “Are you _____ _____?”

    He just looked at me, while his wife said very nastily, “What are you trying to do?? Don’t you see me sitting right here???” I was still quite naive, and I didn’t understand at first why she was so upset. I continued to feel curious if it was him, so I asked again. She yelled at me again, while he finally said no I’m not.

    It finally occurred to me that she thought I was hitting on him, so I explained that I honestly thought he was a leader I knew.



  122.  #123Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    This is written by a new Siren, Jasmine. She didn’t get a response, so I thought I would repost her question:

    Hello Rori & Sirens,

    I’d like to tell you my story. It’s been about six months since my ex and I broke up. We kept seeing each other after that for about four months since we’re both in the same college and were in the same classes, so we had to see each other everyday. We tried to handle it by being “friends” but things wouldn’t ever just go that way and we always ended up being together, not in a formal way. Of course I was always involved and wanted him back but he always neglected me. After summer started we barely see each other, almost never. I tried to be friends with him (NOT trying to get back but just talk to him) but he would just talk to me indifferently, like he had no interest at all or didn’t matter. One day I told him exactly how I was feeling about that and he said he had no interest in being more than friends. But he wasn’t being my friend either!! All he did was brush me off all the time and made me feel like I was unimportant. He was being my “friend” but didn’t even want to talk to me. Then he starts saying I still have feelings for him so I get defensive and asked him if he really was over me.. and he said yes. That was it.

    The day after I send him this message:”The worst thing in the world is caring about someone who does not care. And it’s not about you being over me, but I’ve always wondered how you got to this point where I just became nobody. I even made myself believe it was always something I had done. Frustrated most of the time, you have no idea. But above all my hurting I still tried to be friends with you but I’ve never felt so rejected in my life. You’re cold, uncompassionate. I don’t need you in any way and you’ve made that very clear. And I thought you were important, but you aren’t. And I even cried this morning, but it was the last time. Hope life treats you well.”

    That was it. I decided to move on. I started reading Rori’s articles pretty much everyday and they have helped me a lot. I started to focus on myself and saw him as unimportant. I’ve changed my attitude and my way of viewing things although I have a lot of ups and downs, frequently. But anyways, that was it. That was what he wanted, right? He didn’t want to talk to me not even as a friend, he clearly wanted me to leave him alone… so I did.

    Two days after I sent him that message he texts me! Just to tell me about a contest he was going to and had told me long time ago, being pretty friendly. I replied.. indifferently. A week after he calls me!! A guy who NEVER calls me because we usually only text each other.. but I didn’t pick up. A few days later he texts me again! Just to see how I was doing and to ask me about my new job and my health (I had told him I had to see a doctor before I cut him out completely). WHAT DOES HE WANT? Didn’t he want me to leave him alone? He brushed me off all the time when I just tried to talk to him but he had no interest, no nothing. So I step out and he’s calling me again?

    So when he calls/texts this much I asked him what he wanted, why he had to do that all the time? I told him he was indifferent to me so I cut him out (because I made very clear that he was out of my life on that message), and then he calls me for no damn reason just trying to be friendly (sorry about the word but I was pissed). He told me that he hadn’t been indifferent, but that I WAS BEING INDIFFERENT. Then he says that he doesn’t understand what my definition of friends is (like I’m still into him and he’s not) and that I am confusing. But I said that nothing had to do with the past, I was being friendly just like a friend is but I don’t want to talk to someone who I can’t feel comfortable talking to because whenever I talk to him it always seems like a request to see if he is in the mood. Then he says that’s not true and blah blah. He usually doesn’t tolerate me when I argue or nag him but this time he was just… listening. And talking. And suddenly we weren’t arguing anymore but just having a conversation. So if he is so OVER me and didn’t even want to be my friend when I tried to, why is he trying to talk to me now?

    Somebody tell me!! I can’t tell what’s right or wrong anymore and I do want to do things right, for once. Please help me Rori and Sirens!!



  123.  #124Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    Starla,

    It’s ok, thanks anyway. I just know normally if a new CD is texting or phone calling or emailing endlessly, we typically give feeling messages about I don’t want a text only relationship. I have said stuff like that to R, and never really went silent to hold my boundary.

    After our disconnect around Valentine’s Day, I didn’t see R in person until a week ago, when he helped me with the kittens. But we had a lot of text contact throughout that time off and on.

    We saw each other almost every day for ten months in 2009. Even tho we are not just 3 miles apart anymore, I know that where there is a will, there’s a way. I come to his town once or twice a week for church. I would gladly go up there to see him, and I would welcome him here. But he doesn’t have his own car. He borrows his mother’s car when he goes anywhere. Because of that, I am willing to go to him.

    So I think it comes down to him not wanting to spend time with me. For a while he told me he feels uncomfortable to be around me. I feel sure that phase has stopped.

    So now that we have broken the ice again and seen each other, I wonder if I should give feeling messages to just see each other in person. Or if a one hour difference is justification for him texting more often than not.

    Because the effect is I pretty much have a text only relationship. And I truly don’t want that.



  124.  #125Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    I could say to him, “As much as I really enjoy texting with you, I don’t want a text only relationship.”

    Then just go silent. Would that be all right? I am asking for input because this is new territory to me to set and hold boundaries. I feel unsure of myself.



  125.  #126siren song on July 2, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    esteemed, if this is how you feel, i feel confident expressing this would be a good thing.



  126.  #127Starla on July 2, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    Brenda, you’re in imaginary romantic relationship territory. he said just friends multiple times. tether yourself back to reality, girl. if he says he wants to take you out on a proper date, if he says he wants you to be his girlfriend… *then* worry about getting him off of texts. And if you want more than friendship with this man, and that’s all he’s offering, you have to decide if you can stomach that, keep it to texting like how he’s comfortable, or really cut ties and move on.

    But you’ve been through this like a bazillion times and I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone what to do or repeating myself either.

    If I missed the part where he recently told you he wants to pursue a romance with you, I’m sorry!

    How are the kittens doing now?



  127.  #128Starla on July 2, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    125 esteemed – this is actually not a bad feeling message at all. what will you do if he doth protests?



  128.  #129Starla on July 2, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    er… a “don’t want” message, i guess would be more accurate. anyway, it’s excellent, as long as you’re gonna MEAN it.



  129.  #130Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    Starla,

    I appreciate your feedback! That’s the thing. I don’t know if I have the strength to stick to it. Matter of fact, I know I don’t.

    Mmmm, that is where I always get in trouble… my loneliness. Maybe I better just play it line by line…

    I know it appears that he just wants a friendship. And it is possible. But the way he seems so very purposeful surrounding everything he says and does…and doesn’t say and doesn’t do, feels like he is grooming me to be his future wife. I know, far fetched. I invite each of you to pity me under your breath for being so pathetic.

    But I have so many conflicting messages from him that I can’t just take him at face value. I will regard him as just a friend, but when you all get an invitation to our wedding someday in the future, please just remember that I don’t really think it is just a friendship. He seems too keenly interested in the details of my life to be just a casual friend.

    What matters is I continue to CD, even tho they all seem to fizzle before or after the first date. And that I am holding him at a friendship commitment in my expectations. That is for the purpose of maintaining my sanity.

    My deep truth is that, yes, I am in love with him, and it will take a very special man to fill his place in my heart. Not even K can match up.

    In other news, I had an x rated dream about my cousin last night that left me smiling all day, LOL!



  130.  #131Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    …and speak of the d(e)v(i)l, he just texted, LOL! 1 am!



  131.  #132Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    I wonder if it would help or hurt my “friendship” with R to tell him how I had a very lifelike dream about a very romantic date with my 6’6″ hunk of a handsome cousin, LOL!



  132.  #133Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Where is Radlove?



  133.  #134Daria on July 2, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    yay thank you Money Honey for getting me all that yummy food!

    thank u Daria for cooking and for taking me around friends



  134.  #135Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    Emoticon,

    Right here…me.



  135.  #136Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Oh hey Esteemed,
    Didn’t realize u changed your name. I was wondering why I wasn’t seeing anything from Radlove anymore



  136.  #137Daria on July 2, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    hehe Radlove is Esteemed



  137.  #138Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Thanks for thinking of me!



  138.  #139Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    🙂 not a prob



  139.  #140Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Real time texts:

    R: What are you doing?

    B: Catching up on emails

    R: Any good emails?

    B: Sure

    R: ?

    B: I don’t know if I want to share my girl talk with you, LOL! 🙂

    R: What do you mean? Is it about me?

    B: LOL, see how you are? No, my world doesn’t orient around you (Note to Sirens: NOT! :-)). So many men, so little time!

    R: Ha ha ha ha. Then can you share some with me?

    B: HAHAHAHA! 😛

    R: Pretend I’m one of your girlfriends.



  140.  #141Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    B: I like to share with my girlfriends juicy stuff I dream about…

    Trying to buy time here…

    Daria, Daria, Daria…

    Starla, Starla, Starla…

    This is very positive…but delicate…any suggestions where I should go with this?



  141.  #142Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Esteemed, that conversation is so cute



  142.  #143Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    R: Ha ha ha. Really? Like what?

    B: I dreamed that…I feel scared telling you something so personal via text…



  143.  #144Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Emoticon,

    Thank you! I’m enjoying it! Can you suggest if it is safe to tell him the details of my dream about my cousin?



  144.  #145Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    R: Do you shre it with them thru email? Do you want to call me?

    B: It would feel good to talk to you…or see you.



  145.  #146siren song on July 2, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    i just unfriended the last of my ex’s drug buddies from facebook…it was a long time ago, but it was baaaad. feels good to let it go, even just in cyberspace.



  146.  #147siren song on July 2, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    i just unfriended the last of my ex’s drug buddies from facebook…it was a long time ago, but it was baaaad. feels good to let it go, even just in cyberspace.



  147.  #148Starla on July 2, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    I’d just say “I’m feeling distracted by the emails right now, gotta go! Felt nice to hear from ya:):)”



  148.  #149siren song on July 2, 2012 at 10:32 pm

    ooh, i agree with starla’s fm



  149.  #150Starla on July 2, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    no, i would NOT tell him about your cousin thing.



  150.  #151Starla on July 2, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    i feel sleepy. goodnight, sirens:)



  151.  #152Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Ah, that’s no fun! I like to talk to him! We are on the phone now.



  152.  #153Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Too late! I tried. He giggled when I shared it.



  153.  #154Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Now we are talking about making love.



  154.  #155Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 10:40 pm

    Esteemed, I share my dreams with one specific cd. And I use feeling messages. It feels good to talk about them. I feel curious about the details of your dream. I missed that, sorry.



  155.  #156Emoticon on July 2, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    Juicy



  156.  #157Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Emoticon,

    Thanks! Yeah, I like talking with men about sex, love making, romance, relationships…It isn’t possible with all men. With R, he likes to hear women’s perspective. He says he doesn’t understand women.

    I really didn’t give the details of my dream. It feels personal. I guess I will. but it feels weird saying I had a romantic dream about a man who is my cousin! LOL, he’s very handsome, and he is thrilling to all women, at least from what he says, LOL! He is such a sweetheart, too, with a heart of gold!

    So here goes…in my next post….



  157.  #158Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    I had a very long, lifelike dream last night that I was on it all evening date with my cousin. Both of our goals with no question at all was the have sex by the end of the night! In his rough, unpolished way (which that side of my family is known for), he asked me to clean the poop out of the crack of my butt before we left. I mean come on the stuff is so funny, that I am so tempted to share it with him! This morning I did leave a voicemail for him that I had an x-rated dream about him, and I am thinking if he asks me for details, I may tell him, because he’s really down to earth and I think he would see it as funny! LOL!

    I felt embarrassed being asked that, but I ran to a private place and did just that. he was taking me to a wonderful waterworld place. it was setup to walk around this huge, hilly area with different displays of exotic fish at each station.

    At first I was unclear if there were private hotel rooms here and there around the water park. I asked him, and he said there weren’t, but there were plenty of little private places to dip in and hope nobody saw us.

    I felt absolutely charged with excitement and arousal being by his side! I wrapped my arms around his waist, I just let him lead the entire adventure! I had my eyes half closed in the blinding sun, and I just was enjoying being by the side of this glorious big man, LOL!

    My whole excitement was anticipating having sex with him later. In the dream, I was considering telling him that we could have a child together. of course all of this is against my beliefs, but it sure made for a fun dream! 🙂 😛



  158.  #159Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 11:30 pm

    Emoticon,

    LOL, yeah, it was a juicy conversation with R! 🙂 I really enjoyed it! I felt an ease with him that I rarely feel, and it felt good to just flow with it. He has always had a thing that he likes me to talk with him like I would a girlfriend. I think maybe he is blind to the fact that most of the time he can’t handle it. But in this case, he just wanted to hear about my juicy dream. so I let him have it, deleting some parts.

    He just laughed and seemed to enjoy it, asking for me to share what else I talk about in girl talk with my friends. I just told him how I think lovemaking should be about an expression of an already-established love and trust. That sex alone felt empty. He totally agreed.

    We both laughed some, and it felt good to have it so positive after all the tension we’ve gone thru. I feel like I know him pretty well.

    I continue to believe that he is holding me at friendship level so I will drop my defenses I would normally keep in a romantic relationship and just let myself be seen plainly as I would if I were not trying to win a man.

    It is hard to explain why I feel this so strongly, but it is a 4 year friendship that does have history that influences my thinking and believing and feeling.



  159.  #160Tereana on July 2, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    I feel like playing the Gratitude Game again : )

    I feel grateful that I have so many excellent women in my life who are shining examples of how I want to be in a relationship : )

    I feel grateful to have lots of wonderful, supportive friends : )

    I feel grateful that my kitten is letting me pet him/her now : )

    I feel grateful for my family

    I feel grateful to have good food to eat.

    I feel grateful to have a job that I like, that I enjoy, and that makes me feel fulfilled while giving me an exciting and flexible schedule : )

    I feel grateful that I can dance : )

    I like me. I feel grateful for me

    So tired. Sleepy time now!

    Good night!



  160.  #161Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 11:54 pm

    Wow, he is being incredibly sweet right now!! Wow! I feel surprised! Oh yeah, Rori, your mantra is playing out again! Wow! Wow! Wow!

    Check this out! After we talked a half hour, here was our continued text:

    Right after we hung up, I wrote:

    B: I feel weird like I dominated the conversation. I do that when I feel nervous. Grrr at me!

    R: I didn’t notice.

    B: Awww, thanks. I like talking to you about love making and romance.

    R: Ha ha. Cool me 2.

    B: Yay! 🙂

    R: Ha ha

    R: Please don’t take it the wrong way though.

    B: Please don’t take what the wrong way?

    R: Just talking about romance.

    B: Relax. We are just friends, and I accept that.

    R: Ok. Thanks. I appreciate that.

    R: I’m not trying to upset you at any point, that’s not what I’m about. I just want to make you feel good.

    B: Awww, thanks! That feels good to hear. I feel so good when we make each other feel good, LOL! Harmony is important to me.

    R: Can you teach me how to make you feel good and have harmony with you?

    B: Thank you! Gladly! 🙂 🙂

    R: 🙂

    We are still texting, and it’s going well.



  161.  #162Esteemed on July 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Tereana,

    The gratitude game is a good one! There is always something to be thankful for, no matter what! You sound good!



  162.  #163Daria on July 3, 2012 at 12:10 am

    im feeling tired and also i want to feel more thrilled and more rested both and less guilty

    and worried

    i want to heal this guilt and worry

    i havent brushed my hair

    i feel sad thinking that

    thats ok

    it feels great to think of a way to make myself feel better



  163.  #164Daria on July 3, 2012 at 12:17 am

    “:: The Trickle-Down Theory of Human Kindness ::

    In peaceful “primitive” cultures, kindness is
    sustained from generation to generation by a kind of
    “trickle-down” effect. At its core is the commonly
    held value of serving and delighting younger people,
    especially babies.

    Adults appreciate and support the delight of adolescents,
    who delight in the joy of prepubescents,
    who enjoy entertaining younger children,
    who love to carry babies and play with toddlers.

    The elegance of this top-down, pleasure-oriented value
    system is that the youngest people receive the most
    (and give the least) at the developmental stage when
    they’re naturally narcissistic, while those who give more
    are more adept at deriving joy from giving.

    In contrast…

    Adults in our culture often *fear* adolescents,
    who call prepubescents “dweebs,”
    who disparagingly call younger children “babies,”
    who compete with real babies for love and attention.

    When your children behave unkindly, remember that you
    can’t enforce authentic kindness. Instead, let it
    trickle down by *modeling* unconditional generosity.
    Using your creativity, find a way to serve and delight
    both “aggressor” and “victim” …and yourself, too!

    http://dailygroove.net/trickle-down



  164.  #165Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Daria,

    That’s really cool! I think it is all about valuing every human being! I think when children are treated with dignity and respect like adults, they grow up with healthy self esteems.

    I felt a lot of anger growing up not being taken seriously. For example, I made up a line for a song, “I’m as free as a bird can be…” The adult who was leading the song looked at me condescendingly, “I’m as free as the birds and bees?”

    I felt angry and embarrassed. I knew what that meant, and that it made no good sense. It was one tiny example of the many times I was made to feel less than and not to be taken seriously because I was “just a child”, as if I were not a real human being.

    Children are infinitely precious!



  165.  #166boasgirl on July 3, 2012 at 1:36 am

    feeling tired – have slept too little

    had an amazing mini-holiday by the sea, in my family’s summer house – first alone, then with a friend

    some guys contact me, and then they disappear –

    practice not tochasethem,lean backandlet more guys come in ….

    make room for the other guys to come 🙂

    wanting to move … my room is too small –

    praying for a solution –

    feeling really tired and also hopeful and excited about change 🙂



  166.  #167Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:38 am

    im a happiness coach 🙂



  167.  #168Sirenity on July 3, 2012 at 2:46 am

    49 Hopeful. You dont want to be controlling , but wanting him to follow up and go to meetings is controlling the outcome. He knows you want him to.
    He knows he ‘should” . To do it will require him to be self driven , self motivated and self directed. That means he will actually need to accept the reality of the problem and do all in HIS power to change.

    You cannot control this. It is only HIS to change . No matter how you love him. I believe you can influence him by acting “as if” he is going to go to meetings, mention it ONCE , offer to be supportive then make it CLEAR its up to him to do it and you will be staying out of it.

    Dont let your anxiety add pressure to the situation.

    Set your own boundaries about this , and just where the deal breaker is for you. Inform him of that, then LEAN BACK.

    Example” Honey i feel so pleased you are keen to stop your drinking. I feel excited that we may be able to make the marriage work after all as you know I love you. You know I have been considering leaving for a while as i felt so angry and hurt and scared by all the anger and blaming associated with the ongoing drinking.

    I feel amazing and hopeful now you are working on this problem.

    Of course i want to cheer you on and I will do everything i can to help you get to meetings regularly but this really is up to you to plan and organise. It would feel so good to hear how you are doing and what the next steps are.

    If the drinking and blaming continues I will have to think this over further . I dont want to live my life with someone who drinks daily and whose personality is eroded by alcohol .

    What dop you think? “



  168.  #169Lena on July 3, 2012 at 3:22 am

    Hi everyone

    I guess I went hysterical last night. Wow – I just had a flashback to my ex and how it all ended – exactly all the same – even words are the same.

    “I made up my mind and wont change it”.
    “I think its better we will separate”
    “I dont feel the same about you anymore and dont want to hurt you”

    I am trying to understand why I repeat the same cycle. It goes at the pattern – madly in love with me, asking for relationship, talking about marriage and than a chain of huge fights non stop and this. Fights are mostly because of my insecurities. I hear guys say that I am controlling, tough, that I speak without thinking and too much, that I pressure them, that I show my character and its different from what they see at first, that I they feel tired to fight, etc.

    I do panic a lot and always scared of smth – everything triggers me.

    Anyway. I decided to let him go. I cant fight for all this. I was so crazy I said ok for him to see other girls. No. So I stopped and I will just accept what he sais.

    I didnt reach out to him in anyway whole day and he called to say he wants to meet tomorrow to talk. I feel hesitant to do so – I mean why? He broke up with me already and said he wont change his mind. But even if I will see him – I will just be happy. Because if he is out – than maybe my guy is just around the corner. I dont have much feelings for him as well – I was also hurt a lot, I dont want to be friends with him, I dont have time for this.



  169.  #170Daria on July 3, 2012 at 3:44 am

    Text I sent to a dear, dear female friend who is co-creating and remaining in a emotionally-abusive relationship with a powerful (but deeply wounded) man she is married to and loves to the core, and who loves her, even through his wounds:

    “I have decided my support of you will no longer center around words/processing/advice. My support of you will center around guiding you to lay your soul in fullsurrender on the altar of worship in the Temple of Wife Worship. When you are fully in that position, and you live the rest of your life on the altar, and never allow yourself to leave the altar, even for a second, your Man will have no choice but to bow down in reverence and respect. I hear you knocking–pounding–at the door of the temple. I am opening the door now and escorting you to your position.”

    – Michael ellsberg



  170.  #171Goldenflower on July 3, 2012 at 3:51 am

    69: Femininewoman says:
    Got it some time ago from Dr. Paul Dobransky. I like to review things to remind myself.

    That poem is so amazing, so deeply profound and has moved me. I think i can relate to this more than anything else about the feeling of how it really feels to receive. To receive with your whole being. Wow.



  171.  #172Goldenflower on July 3, 2012 at 4:02 am

    69: Femininewoman says:
    Got it some time ago from Dr. Paul Dobransky. I like to review things to remind myself.

    That poem is so amazing, so deeply profound and has moved me. I think i can relate to this more than anything else about the feeling of how it really feels to receive. To receive with your whole being. Wow.
    I am a pond.



  172.  #173Linda on July 3, 2012 at 4:19 am

    I did not sleep well last night. I went to bad mad and awoke furious!

    I was watching a TV show that triggered me BIG TIME! The words keep running thru my head this morning.

    In my last relationship… he began to never touch me. I told him that I did not want a platonic relationship. I had a bad marriage (sexually) and I had not made all these changes in my life to live with that again. He said he was “had not been attracted to me for a long time”!!!! Made comments about my weight, … made demands on dress (sexy) should come on to him….should be sweet smelling….learn how to pleasure him really well…. he wanted a visual turn on… you know he was no different than any other man…. OMG I AM SOOOO FURIOUS (You see how selfcentered he was) I was so stupid to stay around him.

    the TV show triggered all that in me again. The Tudors…is the show it is about King Henry of England… One of his many wives was a political arrangement… but when he met her …he said “SHE LOOKS LIKE A HORSE AND EMITS FOUL SMELLS”

    I looked at the womans pain. I know that pain….to be rejected like that and have unkind things said…. I could have put my fist and head thru a wall. I am still furious today.

    If I am a pond today… it is alll stirred up, murkey and muddy. My eyes are squinty and my jaw is set. I am typing angry, pounding these keys. I cant find any peace right now.

    I AM AN AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. DO YOU HEAR ME ….. you son of a bi#@h !!!

    Linda



  173.  #174Vi on July 3, 2012 at 4:29 am

    Got news that another g-friend of mine got involved with a married guy. The “relationship” is more imaginary … whatever.. But I know this guy, he is a father of 3 and has a loving wife….
    I feel sad sad sad..and unsafe .. and threatened ..and angry!!!! and insecure… even in panic!! and angry angry angry .. I feel fear … to be cheated; to be less interesting than someone; to be vulnerable; to be not so interesting/ fun as….
    I don’t .. I don’t know what happened…. His wife might have lost herself…..i don’t know… Have I lost myself? I am looking for myself….
    I want to be sure that no matter what happens is going to be to the good for me… I think it is… I want to FEEL it… I want to BELIEVE anything what happens is going to be for the good for me… I mean ANYTHING…. I want to believe this all my heart
    I love my fear and my shoulders go up and feel stiff…face frowning… I love my frowny face.. : ) yes I do .. feel smiley… and .. magic… (??)



  174.  #175Goldenflower on July 3, 2012 at 4:38 am

    70: Linda says:

    Goldenflower,…. you dont want a depressed man. I thought helping, listening, (that is my nature)… would make it better. Doing my own thing did not affect him either. He just was existing and not engaged in life with me. A depressed man is like a milstone …. it sucks all the life and vitality and confidence out of you. I DONT WANT a man like this anymore. it sucks! This depressed man was NOT a giver. He was a TAKER. When he was able to rally the energy it was still all about him. It was NEVER about me. He was never enthusiasic about ME or US. He acted like I was just a thing he was with until he could do better for himself. I did not feel important or valued because I wasnt. Everything he did and didn’t do proved it.

    Linda thankyou for posting this for me. I am more calm and centred today than yesterday. I slept a full night last night, which has helped me. I am trying to focus on positives and accept what I have done by cutting all contact (even if I vented at the end) is the right thing for me.
    No matter what he is going through, he has expressed no desire to have me involved or to support him in any way. In his words he just “wants to shut himself away”. I must accept this. I will still care about him but I will not look at him as romantic partner. He is not right for me.
    I do not want a depressed man, he has had depression his whole adult life. This would be an ongoing cycle and would not help me with my life goals.
    Linda:
    I had an awesome initial connection with this man… he was charming, handsome, funny, … It felt good at first… then the negative, distant, harsh, selfcentered, unavailable man showed up and never left. No amount of support or giving or understanding helped. It did not create love.

    Yes, this helps to read this so much. The problem is it does feel good at first then i just want to get back to that side of him, that feeling. But I realise the first two months do not make for the whole relationship or allow me to judge all the sides of a man. Negative distant person not good
    Ten years ago, prior to this latest “fedex” i had a four year relationship with another draining type of man. We were glorious for the first year but it left me with very little left for myself. I put everything i could into healing his pain and eventually had to leave him because I needed to heal myself. He wasnt a bad person just very selfish and unable to see past himself. To this day he tells me I healed him! This same ex and I became friends again in the past two years, and in March we came close to getting back together!!! While he has changed a lot he is still selfish in many ways. He pulled away from me at the last minute and left me heartbroken. He said it brought up too many issues from the past. Very soon after this happened I met fedex, from match.com and you know the rest.
    In essence I am now seeing a pattern for me here. That I was rejected by a draining ex and then again rejected by a new depressive type. Hmm, in both cases I think I have come up against that role of my purpose being to heal the man, to support the wounded man.
    It is really great that neither wanted me in this way, because I DO NOT want that role. I am ready to maintain my own healing journey and I am ready to receive love from a healthy man.
    When inevitable thoughts and sadness for fedex occur I will sink into and release the feelings then quietly change the view in my mind to my own adventure. I am lucky to have escaped a depressive man who could not give to me.
    NEXT!!!

    Thankyou Linda.



  175.  #176Tam on July 3, 2012 at 4:44 am

    Hello Ladies!!
    I have a conundrum. I need to ask MrU for a favour, and it is only something he can do because it involves getting me contact details of one of his friends who can help me with something VERY important for my life.
    I don’t want to to come across like I am chasing him by just asking for something…but I really need to do it, it could change my life for the better…big change.
    So how do I word that.
    ‘Hi, hope you are well, I need your help with something, can you do xyz’? It was something he offered many months ago but it didn’t apply then and now it’s urgent.
    But I do not want to get into any more conversation again, so how do I do this, any suggestions?

    Thank you 🙂



  176.  #177Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 4:52 am

    Girls, I am starting a lean back challenge today! Today is my Day One lol. I feel good about it.



  177.  #178LoveAlways on July 3, 2012 at 5:20 am

    Memulo
    You go girl!!!



  178.  #179Linda on July 3, 2012 at 5:41 am

    Goldenflower; I found that after 3 years of life with this man…I am very very depleted. My healing journey is long over due.

    The way I feel today. If he was in front of me I would slap him straight across the face.

    I guess after my trigger last night. I am in the anger phase my journey. I am sooo offended at him. I own all my anger around this…. It takes me a lot to be angry. I cant remember ever being this mad.

    Linda



  179.  #180Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 5:45 am

    LoveAlways,

    I love your gravatar!!!



  180.  #181ulii on July 3, 2012 at 6:10 am

    @ Smile, Vi, Memulo!!!
    From the other thread:

    Oh, I didn’t have a moment to read what you answered to me that day, after I posted about my feeling stuck with that imaginary relationship with NZ cd. Now I’m reading and feel so warm in my heart & cared and thankful!!
    Thank you for commenting!!!

    (((Smile))) (((Memulo))) (((Vi)))



  181.  #182Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Tam I would just ask Rockstar style. Any sense of urgency and he might hold out. I would just ask directly and trust that he is willing to help.



  182.  #183Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Tam I would just ask Rockstar style. Any sense of urgency and he might hold out. I would just ask directly and trust that he is willing to help.



  183.  #184Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Esteemed, I feel happy that you feel more relaxed around him now. Change in your vibe maybe?

    That dream is absolutely hilarious to me. I’ve had one about one of my brothers too, so maybe it’s not all that weird to have sexual dreams about people you do not wish to have sex with. I suppose the dream maker just wanted to give us someone we are familiar and comfortable with. 🙂



  184.  #185Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 6:30 am

    Esteemed, I can totally relate to your romantic feelings for R also. Totally



  185.  #186Calypso on July 3, 2012 at 6:42 am

    So – I drove for an hour and a half to meet Farmer CD half way and have dinner. I knew 5 minues into the evening that he was not who i was looking for, but I tried really hard to be open and relaxed and in the moment. He is a nice man, but he seemed so old and beated down and worn out – on the inside. He is only a few years older than me and I don’t care about that, but I need someone who is young at heart like me.

    I looked deeply into his eyes and did not see a spark. I breathed deeply of his scent and felt nothing.

    I’m not lonely, I’m not bored, I’m not going to spend my time with someone who does not inspire me or make my heart feel funny when he smiles.

    He is emailing me again this morning – I will have to tell him we are not a match. I don’t think he will be surprised. I’m still talking to several CD’s on POF, but I feel let down this morning – i was rooting for Farmer CD.

    Ugh – maybe I’m still not ready? NO! he just wasn’t The One. I’m ready – he is coming for me and i will be ready. I’ll just use this as a comparison of what I don’t want – I’m getting closer every time I open myself up and meet someone new.



  186.  #187Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Emoticon,

    184-185 – Thank you! Yes, i believe it is the change in my vibe. I feel like I am really getting it now how to relate to him…keeping it light, feeling messages, not confrontational, not pressuring, not thinking every move on his part is an effort to deepen the relationship.

    And you help me feel more relaxed about sharing my dream! It is something I normally would feel is way too personal to share. But, like Daria, I am experimenting with being more open. And I decided it was just a fun dream and to crack out of my silly shell!

    How are things going in NYC?



  187.  #188Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I’m still fine tuning my Siren self. I’m planning an 80th birthday party for my Mom at the end of the month. I have been trying to contact my sister in law for 2 weeks to find when is the best date for her, because she has an especially full schedule with major family events on her side of the family.

    She finally concluded on the best date for her today, but she has now sent two emails to my two brothers and me giving all her input on how the party should be planned, who should be invited, what should be served.

    This is par for the course. I started to plan a 70th birthday party for my Mom ten years ago, and she completely took over. Because I felt so overwhelmed at the time, I allowed her to. She did an amazing job, too. But this is MY mother, and I am learning skills to not let someone hijack MY plans for MY loved ones. So I guess I am just processing in black and white, but I welcome any input, too.

    She is totally swamped with her own side of the family, and she may be able to stop in for an hour because of pre-existing plans. So this time around, she has no business whatsoever hijacking my party plans! I had the job, so I was going to plan something really elaborate. Now I’ve lost my job, and I feel sheepish, because now that my brothers are chipping in, I feel like they think they have a right to hijack my party planning.

    I had talked with Rose, my Mom’s previous caregiver, last week. She expressed interest in helping to plan it. So I am waiting for a call back from her, and I hope to unhijack the party plans. Just feeling my way, because a lot of this boundary setting and holding is new to me. I feel clumsy at it, and I stand at risk of yelling or snapping, and I don’t want to do that.



  188.  #189Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Women who naturally attract any man they what to meet kill the hesitation by simply walking up to a man and saying hello without worrying of the outcome. They are not attached to the outcome, and can take a no for an answer. They know their worth, and every guy who doesn’t think they are that special is simply not worth the effort.

    http://commitment-relationship.com/how-to-attract-a-man-by-overcoming-your-natural-tendencies/



  189.  #190Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Calypso I believe one date is not enough. Women build attraction over time. The spark you were looking for means nothing. As a matter of fact it is the thing that could cause the greatest problem. I am not saying you don’t know what you want just ask yourself why would you be so willing to quickly dismiss him?



  190.  #191Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Awww things are going great. Thanks for asking.

    I once shared a dream with a CD about myself and his mother fighting off a dinosaur which tried to come into his house. He kept laughing and saying “yeah I can imagine that” and saying it was very interesting that I dreamed that. Then he got serious and he told me that I’m psychic lol. So I said I felt very curious as to why he said that. Only to find out that his ex gf who he dated right after our last breakup and who his mom disliked referred to herself as a dinosaur. I was baffled.

    He doesn’t always interpret them but just likes when I talk about my dreams.



  191.  #192ulii on July 3, 2012 at 7:07 am

    RE Smile, 302, previous thread

    Thank you again for answering me with a lot of insight, i would say. I am not at all bothered or feeling it’s not something I might want to hear. I love to hear all the opinions and what you have to say. I really do. And I am so grateful of the time you took to answer. Actually you are helping me to see this much clearer. 🙂

    I don’t know exactly what am I looking for in this man I have never met in real life but with whom I have been chatting since January. I guess big part of it is my own fear of intimacy and avoidance issues. And it has been so nice sometimes. And there have been talking of real plans to meet. And me maybe going to him in New Zealand (I’m in Europe now)… which would be a great adventure also without him being part of it. Although I could not go by my own means, and I was expecting him to invite me (which he was talking about before). But yes, when I got more interested, kind of accepted his invite and really asking for to plan travelling details, is when it all got weird. I think my vibe got needy. So he started to drift away, avoid the subject and it all got awkward.

    So, I have had him too much in my head. Although I am (of course!) circular dating other men as well. Some even in real life. 🙂 But no-one is attracting me too much so far, and maybe it has to do with me concentrating too much on fantazising about this NZ guy far away. And his potential to be all what i have dreamed of. I know, I know… this is no good! 🙂

    The same time I am aware of the danger losing myself into this as I know it is all imaginary. So what I’m dealing with is the everyday decisions, like…if it feels bad… what to do exactly. And doubting between making him decide, blocking him and doing the no contact…still chatting like a friend to him…etc. I’m not adding any new long distance cd-s anymore, although on the 2 dating sites i’m on, too many men form far away contact me all the time (I tell them what I think what was Daria’s suggestion “I’m here to meet men in person. I don’t want to get to know someone via chat..etc…”). This NZ cd is the only one remaining from when I started meeting men online and didn’t yet beware to protect myself from getting involved in long distance guys this way.

    I did ask him 2 days ago, if he is really interested to meet me this summer. And what he said was that he is interested, but this summer is complicated. So for me it is like the interest is not enough and it is actually a “no” I have to take for an answer.. So I accepted it. And bought some airline tickets to go to some other places this summer. And was thinking of blocking him as it still did hurt.

    But the next day I felt already ok and strong, so I chatted with him again (he started)… Told him about my other plans etc. Now, me being relaxed again..I was feeling he was relaxed again too. And it was good this time. Like this close-feeling long chats we used to have. And we have been talking about all the wants & needs in a relationship.. I think I have expressed everything to him. And it is a lot the same what he says he wants. He is talking about “when we get married”..although joking… but a lot. And talking about trips together and having a organic products farm together someday etc. .. And having children in few years. And asking my views & opinions about these things. Just that in real life it is complicated to see now…and so he speaks about us meeting but probably somewhere during the next year… . I am not believing this is a real plan. But it feels nice to talk about this and imagine the future together. And while talking it makes me feel so good.. So I reconsidered about the blocking.

    The third day.. I felt bad again. As he didn’t initiate a chat although being online. So…now I’m considering blocking him again.

    So as you see…I am a bit on a roller-coaster. Sometimes feeling ok and cool and like being chat friends is good enough. And sometimes still feeling bad and hurt. And basically don’t know what to do about it. Block him or continue this chatting?

    I know that my real work is with me. And I should just live my own life and be way less behind the computer, and specially in skype, the place I get most triggered lately.

    —————————————————————

    “I have got myself into an imaginary relationship”

    Work on you. It appears you have never met this man so I’m assuming it’s not closure your looking for. Ask yourself why you need closure from a relationship you never had? your sending out a fear vibe, do you think he is picking up on your anxiety. I recognise this from my own feeling too.

    Leaning back has helped me to see more clearly.

    If he does contact you maybe you could apply a feeling message then? Does he know your wants and desires from a relationship? Does he want the same. Offer your needs and then lean back and allow him to step up of he is the right man.

    That’s just what I see. I’ve tried to be constructive but appreciate it’s what you might not want to hear. I’m feeling your pain.



  192.  #193Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:09 am

    I just talked with my sis in law and it went great! I am finding Rori’s tools are just transforming my relationships left and right! I kept it positive and in terms of how I feel, and she was just fine with it, just expressed her concerns about the party and said she will let it go and let me handle it, once she realized I had it well in hand. Yay feeling messages!!



  193.  #194Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 7:12 am

    So I’m cramping really badly today and told my boss I would be coming in late. He texts me saying he hopes I’m not pregnant then says joking! I just didn’t respond. All I told him is that I do not feel well so I will be late and he sent that. I didn’t know how to respond but I def was not going to say no I’m not pregnant.



  194.  #195Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 7:12 am

    So I’m cramping really badly today and told my boss I would be coming in late. He texts me saying he hopes I’m not pregnant then says joking! I just didn’t respond. All I told him is that I do not feel well so I will be late and he sent that. I didn’t know how to respond but I def was not going to say no I’m not pregnant.



  195.  #196Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Brenda I feel triggered every time I see “par for the course”. I can’t identify why just that I find it annoying. Do you mind telling me how you came to be using this phrase for these types of scenarios?

    Maybe I have it in the category of “pick up” lines that men use when they are playing games with women? I don’t know. I just get this intense lashing out type of charge when I read it.



  196.  #197Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Emoticon,

    191 – That is so cool about the dinosaur dream! Dreams can be so significant! I think the only significance in my dream is that I love big aquariums and that I have a crush on my cousin and that I really desire sex and intimacy in a relationship! But I knew all that, LOL!



  197.  #198Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:23 am

    FW,

    196 – I suppose it is a way of expressing myself that I picked up from my Mom. And perhaps it does carry a tinge of resentment, which of course I want to heal. I had a much different feeling toward my sis in law after talking with her on the phone just now.

    Another way I could have worded it is I often feel controlled when I am around her. Because I do.



  198.  #199Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Esteemed now that I think of it I also get an image of putting on boxing gloves getting ready for a fight. I have been addicted to adrenaline and one way to get it pumping was verbal fights



  199.  #200Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:29 am


  200.  #201Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:31 am

    FW,

    199 – Interesting. I don’t really associate that phrase with aggression in any way. More like ear marking a certain kind of behavior in a particular person.



  201.  #202Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Well this is the perfect blog for me to look at. I had written this last week but I never got any response. Hope I get it here! This is what I wrote:

    Hello Rori & Sirens,

    I’d like to tell you my story. It’s been about six months since my ex and I broke up. We kept seeing each other after that for about four months since we’re both in the same college and were in the same classes, so we had to see each other everyday. We tried to handle it by being “friends” but things wouldn’t ever just go that way and we always ended up being together, not in a formal way. Of course I was always involved and wanted him back but he always neglected me. After summer started we barely see each other, almost never. I tried to be friends with him (NOT trying to get back but just talk to him) but he would just talk to me indifferently, like he had no interest at all or didn’t matter. One day I told him exactly how I was feeling about that and he said he had no interest in being more than friends. But he wasn’t being my friend either!! All he did was brush me off all the time and made me feel like I was unimportant. He was being my “friend” but didn’t even want to talk to me. Then he starts saying I still have feelings for him so I get defensive and asked him if he really was over me.. and he said yes. That was it.

    The day after I send him this message:”The worst thing in the world is caring about someone who does not care. And it’s not about you being over me, but I’ve always wondered how you got to this point where I just became nobody. I even made myself believe it was always something I had done. Frustrated most of the time, you have no idea. But above all my hurting I still tried to be friends with you but I’ve never felt so rejected in my life. You’re cold, uncompassionate. I don’t need you in any way and you’ve made that very clear. And I thought you were important, but you aren’t. And I even cried this morning, but it was the last time. Hope life treats you well.”

    That was it. I decided to move on. I started reading Rori’s articles pretty much everyday and they have helped me a lot. I started to focus on myself and saw him as unimportant. I’ve changed my attitude and my way of viewing things although I have a lot of ups and downs, frequently. But anyways, that was it. That was what he wanted, right? He didn’t want to talk to me not even as a friend, he clearly wanted me to leave him alone… so I did.

    Two days later he texts me! Just to tell me about a contest he was going to and had told me long time ago, being pretty friendly. I replied.. indifferently. A week after he calls me!! A guy who NEVER calls me because we usually only text each other.. but I didn’t pick up. A few days later he texts me again! Just to see how I was doing and to ask me about my new job and my health (I had told him I had to see a doctor before I cut him out completely). WHAT DOES HE WANT? Didn’t he want me to leave him alone? He brushed me off all the time when I just tried to talk to him but he had no interest, no nothing. So I step out and he’s calling me again?

    So when he called/texted this much I asked him what he wanted? I told him he was indifferent to me so I cut him out (because I made very clear that he was out of my life on that message), and then he calls me for no damn reason just trying to be friendly (sorry about the word but I was pissed). He told me that he hadn’t been indifferent, but that I WAS BEING INDIFFERENT. Then he says that he doesn’t understand what my definition of friends is (like I’m still into him and he’s not) and that I am confusing. But I said that nothing had to do with the past, I was being friendly just like a friend is but I don’t want to talk to someone who I can’t feel comfortable talking to because whenever I talk to him it always seems like a request to see if he is in the mood. Then he says that’s not true and blah blah. He usually doesn’t tolerate me when I argue or nag him but this time he was just… listening. And talking. And suddenly we weren’t arguing anymore but just having a conversation. So if he is so OVER me and didn’t even want to be my friend when I tried to, why is he trying to talk to me now?
    ———————————————————–

    That’s what happened up to that point. However, I ruined things completely because of my desperation. After he was the one trying to contact me, I got too excited and started “chasing” him again. And I regret it. But anyways, this last Friday I told him I wanted to see him (stupid, I know) but he backed off a little bit. He said that Friday nights are for dating people, not us, so I got really mad because that night he called me he was calling to hang out because his brother was doing orientation at school and he wanted to give him a fan, so when I want to see him it is such a big deal? So I really got pissed off because he was brushing me off again, but then he starts saying I take everything wrong and that he’s not trying to be mean to me at all. But I got so aggravated that I started calling him names because of blowing me off so I said I don’t need to be his friends and he said if it’s always going to get like this it is cool with me. That even made me feel worse so I said he doesn’t care at all and he told me he does care but texts don’t show it at all. That I take everything wrong and that he rarely ever tries to be mean to me. That he’s willing to hang out but that weekends are just too much of a “commitment” and that he’s usually with his friends and he needs late notice because of that (he doesn’t want them to see him with me because they were there every time we broke up and got back together, so he doesn’t want them to think we’re back or lose his “manhood”).

    Then he told me he hates texting because he can’t express real feeling and I tell him that’s all we can do cause he even tries to avoid me. But he said he can’t be “best friends” with me. I was like what? I felt like I was begging him to be my friend so I told him I would leave him alone, and he didn’t reply. Since I don’t get any reply, I tell him a few hours later that there’s no way I can feel right about this all and that everything is ok with him, then he responds he can hang out with me but that I’m making this a huge deal when it doesn’t need to be, and that he’s not trying to make me angry at him at all.

    So I stopped right there, it embarrassed me to see how desperate I sounded after I ignored him for three weeks and all of a sudden it was me chasing him again. And I’ve realized whenever I talk about feelings or get aggravated he withdraws even more. He talks to me whenever I stop talking about these things or when I stop showing interest. So I haven’t texted him about the same thing, and then on Sunday he friendly texts me just to ask me how to cook some stuff.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like everything is on his terms. I overthink a lot just because I want to know what is it he wants? Sometimes I get this powerful attitude but sometimes I lose it completely. I know the best thing for me is circular dating and taking my focus OFF him and I’m really working on that but at the end of the day all I get is sadness. I just wonder, is it me who has made him behave the way he does? Or is it just clear that he doesn’t care anymore? If that’s the case, why would he text me or call me for any reason at all? I know I’ve been very pushy and whenever he shows some interest I can’t control myself, but this is just so confusing. Should I be welcoming when I hear from him again, or indifferent, or just ignore him? I’m overexposed. I don’t want to expose myself more than I have. I’m pretty sure he sees I’ve been very weak and I want to completely reverse that and show him I can be the same powerful girl he once met after I’ve screwed it all up.

    PLEASE,

    I need some guideline of how to behave. I’m not texting/calling him anymore. Talk to me Rori and Sirens, I need some insight.

    Jasmine



  202.  #203Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Whenever I read what I write I sound so desperate. I don’t want this anymore. It’s too bad. I want to take control of my actions and not let my emotions overtake me. Show him that he’s not the center of my world although I’ve made him believe he is. I am just so confused. Some articles encourage me to move on because he’s a toxic guy, and some others encourage me to not lose hope with the guy that I want. I don’t know if I’ve pushed him away or if he’s just not worth trying. I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.

    Jasmine



  203.  #204Brandylion on July 3, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Siren Song, I appreciate your support that this is a good thing!

    The voice that told me I will find someone else because I am amazing is also the voice that told me I loved PriestCD and told me I was going to marry him (those were two separate events). Clearly, one of those things was true and the other was not. I’m not sure I can trust that voice.



  204.  #205Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Jasmine I believe your best action right now is to just stop. What you have been doing is not working. So what if you have been desperate.



  205.  #206Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:52 am

    (((Jasmine))),

    I was in the middle of stuff last night so didn’t have time to read and respond to your post. I feel sad for you with the frustration and pain you have been feeling. I can so relate, and you have come to the right place.

    Are you able to afford Rori’s ebook and some of her programs? They are totally worth it and I highly recommend them! I could recommend them all, but my personal favorite is Commitment Blueprint.

    Here are the dynamics I see in your interactions:

    When he “ended” it, you leaned back.

    When you leaned back, no longer chasing him in any way, he did what men do: he leaned forward.

    When and if this happens again, here’s how to handle it: “Hi! It feels so good to hear from you!”

    I have been listening to Rori’s materials for 3 years, and on the blog 2 years. I have found that it is a process of growth. Above all, please give compassion to your weak parts and take the transitions in baby steps. it is a deep inner healing that I found needed to take place, and I had many small and big shifts inside along the way.

    What works is feeling messages, “I feel heavy hearted; happy; relaxed; angry, etc.”…rather than “You are cold, uncaring, etc.” YOU statements don’t work – they result in a man shutting down and backing away.

    I will post some stuff in a little while that I texted with the man I love last night. I have been thru it with him…we dated 10 months in 2009, and I did everything that was harmful to the relationship and then some that Rori never even thought of doing, LOL!

    Last night was quite amazing with R, the result of 3 years of gradually transitioning to feeling messages!

    The best thing you can do for your relationship right now is NOTHING. STOP. Don’t initiate contact. Let him initiate. And when he does, respond with warmth, openness, and genuineness.

    I am sorry you didn’t get much response yet, but just hang with us and we will. Sometimes Sirens don’t have time to respond to every message, but you will definitely be seen here now that you are on the most current page.

    Hugs, Esteemed.



  206.  #207Tam on July 3, 2012 at 7:53 am

    FW – thank you kindly…would you be even kinder and expand on the Rockstar style? I am kind of getting it, but not sure…and yes, I was going to ask directly. he is a man of few words, I do not like to overload anyway 😉

    Mind you, after feeling mildly depressed that I spend yet another 4th July outside of the US…when I had promised myself to be back there,
    the Universe brought me a date with two guys tomorrow. Yes, two! Well, old friends from the neighbourhood. Maybe after my rockstar double date I can ask MrU anything like a rockstar 😉



  207.  #208Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:00 am

    FW,

    205 – “So what if you have been desperate.”

    Ouch! That feels bad to read! If she feels desperate, her feelings are valid, and they matter.



  208.  #209Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:02 am

    FW,

    205 – Oopsie, I retract that. I read it in context, now seeing Jasmine’s short message following her long one. I see what you were saying, that it is ok to feel desperate.



  209.  #210Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Jasmine,

    I have felt that needy, desperate feeling through most of my relationship with R. I totally relate! I feel convinced that who I choose as my partner for life is one of the very most important aspects of my life. It really is a big deal, and it is one of the biggest parts of life.

    When I got to know R in 2009, I became convinced he was and is my Soul Mate. So it has been a very long, not-so-glamorous road to where I am now. I still believe he is my Soul Mate, but I relate to him far differently.

    It is a process, like peeling off the layers of an onion. I have found endless treasures here on the blog, both thru Rori and the other Sirens. I value these ladies. And I really value Rori and her programs!



  210.  #211Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Jasmine what I meant by “so what if you have been desperate” is to not beat yourself up about it but just to notice it. I myself have been there and go back there sometimes. I am not yet convinced that we get to that perfect place where our insecurities don’t raise its head up once in a while and cause us to feel desperate. I find it is only when I lie to myself about my desperation that I sabotage myself. Noticing it has helped me on my healing journey to not always react. Loving my desperate girl inside me has helped her to feel accepted.



  211.  #212siren song on July 3, 2012 at 8:07 am

    jasmine,

    stopping contact is the way to go. remember to be very open and warm when he does manage to get ahold of you…

    also, my recent ex was acting similarly for awhile, then i leaned back and he came on like gangbusters.

    don’t judge or punish yourself for anything and lean waaaay back and see what happens.



  212.  #213Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:10 am

    FW,

    211 – Right on!



  213.  #214ulii on July 3, 2012 at 8:12 am

    RE Memulo 177. and also last thread

    Thank you again for your input in the last thread!!

    “Did you consider not responding and just living your life? silence works like a charm in some cases, no need to invent a FM even ;)”

    I think I would take your advice, at least trying..to live my life more. And then I’ll see about the silence & feeling messages to NZ cd. I guess I have already expressed my feelings about how awkward communication is hurting me. So I feel a bit silly repeating myself too often to him. And other days it’s not awkward, and then I feel good. So I will be going day by day.

    But anyway… I would like to join your lean back challenge.
    For me, in case of NZ cd, it would translate into:

    Not initiating chat ever.
    Not going online in skype so often. (Like every few days instead of every day.)
    Leaning back when I do have chats with him, … trying to be more answering than asking questions. More feeling messages etc.
    Doing other things for me that keep him off my mind. Going to run. Playing my music. Doing efforts to find a job. Also chatting to other men and meeting other men. 🙂

    You mentioned you feel more distanced from SmartCD, why is that? I remember he had a divorce going on. Is he overwhelmed by that still?



  214.  #215Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 8:19 am

    ((((((((jasmine)))))))))



  215.  #216Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Thank you so much Esteemed and FW. I know what you say, I’ve done it a lot of times. I’ve stopped myself from doing things but I always go back to doing it. I do want to do things right this time, whether it implies losing him completely or getting him back. I just want to feel good about myself you know? Get rid of this stress and frustration and just enjoy myself the way I am instead of questioning about why I do this or what if I had done that.

    I haven’t got Rori’s ebook and programs cause I can’t afford them right now but I always read the articles. It is very relieving whenever I feel sad and read the material. I’m sure I found the right place, sometimes I talk to my friends about the way I feel but they’re not always helpful. They just give me straight drastic solutions but they don’t know what I feel. But I know you guys do. Thanks!



  216.  #217Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Girls you are so powerful! My only mistake is, whenever he gets a hold of me I am always resentful and act indifferent. I need some real therapy lol I’ve been doing things soooo wrong



  217.  #218Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Jasmine I would just like to say that despite recent slip ups I feel proud that you leaned back for three weeks, because I know from experience that it feels impossible when you have such strong feelings for a man.

    Slip ups will happen from time to time and it’s not the end of the world and it doesnt mean you ARE desperate, we all FEEL desperate from time to time. All it means is that you felt desperate and leaned forward and that that is not what you would have ordinarily wanted to do. No big deal. Just go back to leaning back as soon as you catch yourself.



  218.  #219ulii on July 3, 2012 at 8:32 am

    RE 202 Jasmine

    First, many hugs to you!!!

    Sometimes yes, not every post gets noticed or answered…as this blog moves forward so fast. But as you continue posting, you’ll find great advice here. And it’s a wonderful place to be sharing.

    I feel your pain. And I have been there.
    I have also been in the other side.

    Sometimes we think we can be friends with our ex romantic interests. And I believe we can sometimes, but really being in a place where we already have learned and grow so much that we don’t have other expectations than friendship. And it can be sensed in our vibe if we do. That can feel stressing & confusing, to us and to the other person involved. But with friends I would not like to feel stressed… or being told how is a right way of being friends. Usually you are friends, because you can be yourself with them…and you can feel relaxed with them. You are not counting how many interactions you have or who is starting .. at least I wouldn’t be. If I do that kind of thing, then I know I’m not over that person & still have romantic expectations. And for me it’s also a sign that maybe the best way is to not be in contact. At least until I am healed enough and let go my expectations. (Although then at that point I usually also start to feel bored with that person and he won’t be a friend either.)

    I think he is taking you for your word (to be friends). And acting like a casual friend would do (being friendly, wanting to have you as part of his life, asking you things like how to cook something..etc. And getting stressed and avoiding you when he senses that you do have other expectations than just to be friends. I think Rori has been writing a lot over this kind of scenario (I would maybe check the “From lovers to friends & back again” category of articles on this blog… ).

    I hope my words don’t sound too harsh to you.

    Sending much love to you!!



  219.  #220siren song on July 3, 2012 at 8:37 am

    being friends with an ex that i still love does not work for me. it feels awful!



  220.  #221Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Siren Song,
    Yes it does feel bad, but I just consider them a CD, but the fact that I’m leaning back, they never know you consider them a CD but sometimes start leaning forward and acting like one. Not a general rule or anything, just my experience.

    And Jasmine, it’s okay to feel angry and resentful sometimes because it’s hard to not feel that way when we are hurt, but it’s important to remain open to people.



  221.  #222boasgirl on July 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

    @174 Linda

    I feel so angry reading your post – i believe i understand this rejection and how horrible it feels, even though i never experienced it in a relationship. I was bullied as a child, for years, being told how ugly and unatractive i was as I grew up, and i wasted so much of my life believeing it was true, which it isn’t, i now beginto realize, slowly …

    i believe your anger is very healthy, and a part of the healing process, as you say –

    you ARE a goddess, beautiful, and good smelling, i am sure 🙂 🙂



  222.  #223Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:45 am

    This text between R and me is kinda lengthy, but it is very note worthy, so I am posting it! I feel like we turned a corner! I credit it to Rori’s tools at work and the inner healing in me as a result!!!

    Here is from Sunday, because what follows won’t make sense without it:

    July 2, 2012

    R: R u going 2 church?

    B: Yes, they’re having only the 5 pm service tonight. Are you ?

    R: Not sure yet

    B: I ought to answer that way too, when I am asked.

    R: Go ahead…or don’t answer.

    B: 

    B: But bears are supposed to be friendly.

    (2 hours later)

    B: Do you prefer friendly bears?

    (1.5 hours later)

    B: I feel left out in the cold when I encounter noncommunicative bears. I like it when bears operate as a team.

    (2 hours later)

    B: Hi, I really miss you

    B: That was not me. Henry was showing me something on my phone, and he talked to send a text message!

    R: Who’s Henry?

    B: He sabotaged it. He’s the guy who did magic tricks at the community center (where R and I met in 2007). Do you remember him?

    R: No. R u at the community center?

    B: My Mom and I went to the buffet and Henry was there with some of his friends from his church.

    B: We were praying for my Mom outside in the parking lot after we ate, and we’re all just hanging out in the parking lot.

    R: Cool

    B: Henry likes my Android. 

    R: I think I remember him. Didn’t he go there with his girlfriend, T?

    B: Yes!

    Now from Mon/Tue late night. I posted the first part of this last night, and here is what followed. This is the part that feels amazing!!!

    B: Do you want to text more now? Or another day? (he had told me on the phone that he was getting tired).

    R: Now if you want.

    R: I got more energy.

    B: Well I like to feel acknowledged. I feel valued when I hear either yes or no, even if no isn’t what I prefer to hear.

    R: What do you mean?

    B: Maybe you are not aware of this, but when I am asked, “Are you going to church?”, it kind of sets up an expectation right there at that moment.

    R: What’s that?

    B: This is a question I have been asked frequently. I feel weird in a Catch 22 like how do I answer that without feeling yucky????

    B: Because I feel yucky when I’m told “I’m not sure.” It would feel so good to hear, “Ok, terrific! I’ll see you there!”

    B: Or even if you’re not going, it would feel more harmonious to simply know. When I feel left up in the air, I feel yucky.

    R: Ok

    R: Ok

    B: Thanks. It starts out like I wonder if plans are being arranged. So I feel perplexed at the least and let down at the most.

    B: Not meaning to pound it, it’s just the girl talk where by nature I discuss the inns and outs.

    B: Thanks for letting me discuss that. Are we still cool?

    R: I was just curious if you were going and really not sure if I was.

    R: Yeah, that’s fine

    B: I see. Well, this is a series we have run thru many times. And when U R NEVER sure, I wonder if I’m being avoided when I don’t see you. And that kinda leaves me with pain in my heart, when I enjoy your company so much.

    R: Sorry

    R: I won’t do that anymore.

    B: It’s ok. Thanks for discussing it. I feel harmony when I have thorough communication with someone.

    R: Cool. Do U feel like we just communicated?

    B: Yes, and I feel warm in my middle.

    B: (LOL, not arousal warm, just happy).

    R:  How can I make you smile?

    B: You just did! B-)

    R: LOL

    B: You make me smile when you laugh, when you talk about love making, God, the Bi/ble, psychology, your inner self, and when you are so sweet and sensitive to me like this!

    R:  I like to always be sweet and sensitive and make a beautiful lady smile.

    B: You are so sweet!

    R:  I love being sweet. I want to be sweeter than candy.

    B: You have explored parts of my heart no one has ever taken the time to open. It feels good to feel so understood. You get me. That’s cute what you said!

    R: It’s such a travesty that you would even think I would try to hurt you even a little. A real travesty. Very sad.

    R: I try to be as much like Ch-r-st as possible.

    B: In general, those we love the most are capable of hurting us the most. In the present, I see vast growth and healing in both of us and I see your tender heart…and it is quite beautiful!

    B: I have never wanted to hurt you in any way, either.

    R: Thanks.

    B: You’re welcome. I like the real you.

    B: Your heart is rich! Is it also sleepy?

    R: It’s a very sore point for me that you believe I tried to hurt you.

    B: We have had such a wonderful, harmonious night talking. I don’t wanna lose that good feeling, ok? As always, I feel open to discussing the past if you choose to…in person.

    B: What do you think? Impersonal text is not the venue for this.

    R: Well, if we r going to have any long-term friendship, we r going to have to straighten it out. If we don’t, I can’t be ur friend.

    B: I have longed for that and opened the door for that at every turn. I have left it in your hands to discuss when you are ready. You say when and where, and I will be there.

    R: Ok, we’ll have to do that soon. I think I’m going to the shore for a few days. When I get back.

    B: Ok terrific. Lucky you going to the shore!

    R: Thanks

    B: Good night, precious man

    R: Good night

    B: I believe in you.



  223.  #224Tam on July 3, 2012 at 8:47 am

    220+221..Ladies, my jury is still out on the ex’s, because some of my best friends now were ex-boyfriends (2 of them), and I just can’t remember when the attraction stopped but perhaps the clue is that I finished both of those relationships….so I had already detached myself from them..in a way.

    I had come to a point where even MrU was just a friend…and I was dating (exclusively) somebody else…but lo and behold, love always shines through, no matter how much our heads try to rule our hearts. This is why every time I think ‘ah, I am over him and don’t even want him as a bf’ and I start acting like it – very nonchalant – it drives him crazy, and he is on my case again and the whole thing starts from the beginning. So the jury is still out as to if it can work with this guy, I am curbing contact to bare minimum (maybe nothing for months) until I worked it out.

    It isn’t easy losing a good friend either…but sometimes necessary…



  224.  #225Calypso on July 3, 2012 at 8:56 am

    FW – I actually thought of you last night on my way home – I knew you would say that – lol! I’m sure you are right in some ways – i did not give us enough time and why didn’t i, because I don’t really want to let him or anyone else close to me, so . . . if he doesn’t smell right . . . NEXT! Lol – I hear you . . .

    I’m just not going to spend my evenings driving to see someone who makes me feel like I’m kissing my grandpa . . . plus he smokes, has nasty looking teeth and a comb over . . . trust me on this one . . .



  225.  #226Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Jasmine,

    217 – “My only mistake is, whenever he gets a hold of me I am always resentful and act indifferent.”

    I understand, and this is where Rori’s tools are so valuable! She helped me realize I had such inner pain and I needed so much healing that the issue went far beyond R! So I gradually started to work on myself, and I found that it really was about learning to love myself.

    How would it feel next time he contacts you to physically lean back? Like if you are on the phone, go lay down on the sofa, being conscious of your body’s feelings and your heart’s feelings? Then when he asks what you have been up to, how would it feel to just flow with the moment and enjoy your fresh start? You could say, “I feel so relaxed laying here petting my kitty cat.” Or I feel a little tense after a tough day at work, and now I feel a little better after resting a while.”

    Try to put your answer to basic “How are you?” or “What are you doing?” questions in terms of how you feel. A good way to break thru the inner walls that keep us prickly and cold toward a man is to practice with inanimate objects.

    For example, you could hold a flower while you are alone, and just talk out loud about the feelings you experience while holding that flower! Or go outside and sit with your back leaning against a tree trunk. Say out loud or write how you feel at that moment. This is how I gradually got in touch with my real feelings.

    Feelings are everything, and they are like a thermometer to a doctor. They indicate what is going on inside.

    When R contacts me, I feel a jolt of joy! I feel a little giddy and sometimes a little nervous, for fear I will make a (nother!) mistake! I have trained myself to go into relaxation, and i will physically lean back when he starts texting me. That reminds me to lean back emotionally, to let him lead the conversation, and to bring a positive, feminine energy to the conversation!

    Practice is what will help. Can you practice at a coffee shop or a bookstore with other men? Just simply start by practicing smiling and eye contact. If a man talks to you, practice a simple feeling message.

    How are you?

    I feel happy reading about my favorite hobby, (fill in the blank).



  226.  #227Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Wow Esteemed, I am intrigued by your openness and vulnerability with R.

    I noticed a pattern in my thinking which probably limits my own openness. While reading it when you tod him how certain things made u feel, I clammed up like omg no don’t say it he will pull away, omg no he will see it as drama, etc. why am I worried about that when I should just be open to expressing feelings when they come up



  227.  #228boasgirl on July 3, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Jasmine, i can totally relate to your story, i have been in similar places and i know how terrible it can feel.

    Whatever you do, stop beating yourself up! Don’t call yourself stupid or desperate – you are not! You are a woman in love, and you deserve love, so be compassionate with yourself and give yourself a lot of what you need.

    Linda, I am sure one day you will find a man who reflects your beauty back to you –

    I am sure I will too –

    (((Jasmine)))

    (((Linda)))

    (((Me)))



  228.  #229Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Calypso — eewww



  229.  #230Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Emoticon,

    227 – Thank you! It has been a very long process to get to this point with him! In the past, talking about his asking me “Are you going to church?” and then never giving me a yes or a no for himself was a major source of contention!

    In the past, I got wild and wooly with him about it, and we often ended up in a fight! The “bear” approach was to mix in a little humor, because he knows I like bears and it is kind of a joke between us. Then continuing it last night astounded me that it didn’t get tense!

    And that he asked me to teach him how to be harmonious! That was a first!



  230.  #231Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Ulii,

    You don’t sound harsh at all, I have thought about what you’re saying. And this is so confusing. The thing is, whenever I cut him out completely (this implies NOT even being friends) he shows up again. That’s what aggravates me, he knows I don’t want to hear from him again and that I am hurt, so why does he do that. I do have feelings for him and he knows it. But yeah I guess he’s just trying to be my friend. Sadly. So now comes the inquiry Ulii, since I am still deeply in love with him, should I ignore him when he talks to me or just be open and warm?

    Hugs!!

    Jasmine



  231.  #232Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 9:09 am

    I want to share a beautiful moment I had alone yesterday.

    I got to work like an hour early so decided to go to the diner across the street for breakfast. It was there that I recognized so much healing and improvement in myself. I can be very aggressive at times. And I am allergic to banana. I had ordered a wafe with fruit on it and they put strawberries and bananas on it. In the past I would have probably felt anger and irritation, but yesterday I only felt compassion for my waitress. I started taking the banana off and she brought me a little plate to put it on.

    Then I thanked her and saw this pretty artificial flower to the side of my table. I brought it to the middle of the table and since I was facing the door, the light hit it and it just looked magical. I was in love with that yellow flower.

    Very small story, but very significant to me. My baby steps have really brought me a long way from where I was to where I am now able to feel compassion for others when things don’t necessarily go my way.



  232.  #233Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Boasgirl I love it, we are not stupid or desperate at all. No matter now desperate we feel sometimes.we do not need to label ourself, especially not negatively like that.

    Jasmine, love love love to you, and I feel confident that you WILL feel better in time, also that the relationship. Btwn u and ur guy will get better whether as friends or lovers because you are love,l and that’s why you act so passionately.



  233.  #234Dancing Siren on July 3, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Hopeful,

    I have only read up to post 49 so I don’t know what others said to you or what else you may have posted since then, and I jus wanted to share my expereince as I am/was in a similar position.

    I am with someone who has/had alcohol issues.

    I used a combination of the CRAFT (for family and friends based on SMART recovery) method and Rori’s teachings.

    My man is now seeing a Counsellor.

    And I know what it feels like to really, really want them to go to that meeting.

    But that approach can cause frustration in itself, because it means we are trying to control an outcome, and their actions.

    Another Siren said to me it might be better to build my boundaries around behaviour I can see… stuff like how he is when he is with me.

    Like I might put in a boundary around that I won’t spend time with him when he has been drinking. Well actually I did that months ago and he pretty much never drinks around me anymore.

    But also stuff like how he treats me, and how that feels.

    And it sounds like you have already started to do that by insisting that while you will hear his anger, you are not going to allow him to offload it on you!

    Bravo, well done.

    All I would add is maybe don’t get too hooked up on whether he does attend the meetings or not (easier said than done I know). I had it as a boundary for a while, that I knew I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t go see someone, but that was because I felt so strongly about it.

    And I drove myself mad wondering if he was going… whether he was telling the truth, and feeling stressed about whether he would carry on going.

    Until the Siren on here suggested dropping all that, and instead focusing on his behaviour with me.

    That just eased everything for me.

    It is still very much work in process, but what I would say is don’t assume because he doesn’t follow the course of action YOU think he should take that it means he isn’t going to sort it out.

    It worked better in my case when my man chose his own treatment.

    But the key is to stay tuned in, so you can monitor how you feel with him.

    Whatever he chooses to do if how you feel around him keeps improving then you guys are on the right track.

    However, if you continue to feel bad not so much.

    Does this make sense?



  234.  #235Tam on July 3, 2012 at 9:15 am

    225 Calypso…we trust you on that one. NEXT!!



  235.  #236Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Emoticon,

    232 – That’s beautiful! Yay for you!!



  236.  #237Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Wow that’s sweet Esteemed. Although I agree with Emoticon, I would never open up like that to my boy because I always thought that guys don’t like deep emotional talks.



  237.  #238Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Yes Esteemed, I felt very warm reading that he asked u that. It came across as very sweet to me.



  238.  #239Calypso on July 3, 2012 at 9:23 am

    FW – LOL! I know! His pic on POF was from too far away to know all of that and he was wearing a hat in the pic. He wore a John deer hat last night and he kept putting it on and taking it off and every time he took it off, his comb over would stick to it and flop around – I wanted to get a razor and give him a buzz cut as an act of mercy . . .

    I think I get brownie points for letting him kiss me good night . . . He was very nice and I was nice to him in my email this morning that we were not a match. he said he picked up on that last night at the end – guess my reaction to his kiss was not worth that brownie point afterall . . .



  239.  #240Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Thank you Boasgirl, I’ll start to be compassionate with myself. I clearly beat my self up a lot just for feeling the way I feel. But yeah, feelings are part of us, that’s right.

    Esteemed, I love the way you talk. I need to stop blocking my mind and just talk… cause even if I don’t talk to him when he gets a hold of me (if he does) I will be doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll probably just need to relax and stop expecting. If he wants to talk I just need to talk. Stop overthinking, or just overfunctioning. Because I do need to heal inside.

    Jasmine



  240.  #241Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Congrats Dominique



  241.  #242Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

    I want to be clear though that it’s not about me finally having my happily ever after. I already have this. I have felt secure and safe and filled up in our love for years. As K said, we love each other very much and decided we want to be together forever a long time ago.

    http://sexandheart.com/we-got-married



  242.  #243Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Thatnk you Esteemed



  243.  #244Dancing Siren on July 3, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Ummm, I had a weird morning with S.

    I decided not to go and see him last night as it was late and I felt tired.

    He has been doing a LOT of stuff for me recently.

    I have done a few things to give back (like cooking dinner on Sunday).

    So last night via messages he was all gushy. We made a plan for a breakfast date this morning, well he planned it all. And I needed something from his house so he offered to bring it to me first.

    Well he was half an hour late. I felt a tinsy bit irritated, not much, but enough to notice. I said I had been expecting him earlier, and it turned out there as a miscommunication, so I let it go.

    Then he as all gushy and wanting to cuddle and stuff. I was gushy/cuddly too.

    And then I asked if he would help me with my new phone (he had already offered). He had a look and then I realised we needed to go to breakfast or I would be late for work.

    I had to take my car too… as I was following him in his car I caught myself that I had been a bit in boy mode, and resolved to soften up for our breakfast.

    But when we got to the place he was already distant and I felt his energy had turned away, and immediately I felt leany forward.

    But I caught myself, sat and riffed and leant back.

    Then I said how it had felt so good cuddling with him earlier. And how I had missed him, and then that I felt a bit weird and lonely sitting there.

    Normally he would reach out and touch me, although I have noticed a few times when we are eating out in public he is less attentive.

    Well he didn’t.

    Also, I noticed he was picking at me about stuff.

    It was very subtle.

    Like when I said I was craving avacado he rolled his eyes and said that was weird.

    Then he said there were flies, and they were buzzing around me.

    I don’t know what triggered me about this. I know he was joking saying specifically that they were buzzing around *me* but there was something in the undertone that felt like a jibe and I didn’t like it so I leant back, pulled a pouty face and said “That feels bad”

    He just looked at me then rolled his eyes again and said ‘anyone else would have just brushed the flies away!’

    I said ‘This feels bad and I don’t want to be here’

    Him ‘what are you talking about, what is wrong now’ with kind of an irritated, here she goes again tone.

    Me, gathering up my things ‘I am going to go to work now’

    Him, gets up and pays and the says ‘I will walk you to your car’

    Me ‘ok’

    Then we are walking. I am quiet, processing.

    Him ‘So what time do you finish tonight, I will cook some dinner’

    I said I was unsure if I was coming round tonight. He asked why and I said cus things were feeling bad to me atm and I don’t want to be spoken to that way (leaning back and looking him in the eye).

    Him ‘I don’t know what you mean!’ in an increduloous tone and a load of other stuff reasoning about why I was being illogical.

    Him ‘spoken to like what?’

    Me ‘I don’t like the feeling of being picked at’

    Him ‘by me??’

    Me ‘I don’t like the feeling of being picked at. I don’t want to be spoken to like that. It feels bad’

    I sensed he was about to leave so I stepped back ready to go into my car.

    Then he also turned and walked away saying ‘see you later’ no particular tone but p8ssed off body language.

    I got in my car and drove to work.

    I felt shaky, and then later angry.

    And not mostly calm, and sometimes a bit anxious about what will happen now.

    But dropping the relationship ball.

    He is due to see his therapist this afternoon.

    I don’t know if he will go or not. I kind of feel ok about this. It is up to him.

    I don’t really know what happened today.

    But I think I handled it ok.

    I sometimes doubt myself and wonder if I am making up drama. But I think that is more of a doubting NV in myself, rather than the truth.



  244.  #245Dancing Siren on July 3, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Oh, also, recently I have been asking him if he would mind helping me with some stuff too, and I wonder if I have gone a bit far, and it might have felt demanding.

    But I don’t know.



  245.  #246Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Congrats Dominique



  246.  #247Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

    You are our Carrie Bradshaw



  247.  #248Rebecca on July 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Esteemed ~ I sooo went through something very similliar to what you’re experiencing. It nearly drove me to the point of insanity. Lol, you seem to be so patient which I find amazing!!

    I used to always be picking him up and telling him wonderful anf great he was. I look bqck now and i feel very scared about how I acted because I gave so much but recieved nothing in return. I have a real issue with men that keep us hanging on.

    But you are so calm, relaxed and positive. Maybe that is the secret. I find texting so stressful if it’s having long conversations.



  248.  #249ulii on July 3, 2012 at 9:39 am

    RE 231 Jasmine

    Actually, I don’t know an answer.. 🙂 I mean, I struggle with this myself. Ignoring.. or talking trying feeling messages & being soft and open.

    I would maybe incline towards ignoring if I know for him it is only friends thing, and I’d feel not ok with it and hurting. And if it has not been a too long relationship. Meaning, there are not much value he has added to my life besides being the romantic partner.

    I would try the other approach if I still see him interested in me romantically, but there might be other issues he is having. Like lot of work, family problems… And if I feel strong enough and capable of not expecting anything. But in this case also I would always lean back. Not initiating anything.



  249.  #250Starla on July 3, 2012 at 9:46 am

    So I actually LITERALLY put on boxing gloves every morning. It’s taken all the “fight” out of me in the rest of my life. I feel so powerful from being able to physically fight like a pro, that I don’t feel the “fight” urge in regular, verbal life. The proverbial boxing gloves never get put to use. And they certainly never “come off.” Mostly, when others would feel inspired to fight, I just feel bored, or curious.



  250.  #251Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Jasmine and Emoticon,

    R is more open to discussing emotional things than the average man. But it has been a very long path to get to this point. This level of talking did NOT just happen overnight. I feel amazed at how connected I felt with him last night!

    I felt sad when he took it to me thinking he hurt me in 2009 (Jasmine, FYI, he gave me a fake proposal, and it was the deepest I’ve ever been hurt by another person. He gave me every reason to believe he was about to propose and instead called a special meeting to say it is just a friendship, I am not in love with you. it took me two years to heal from that.)

    but wow, now that we have this positive vibe going, I hope it will continue, even if we discuss the tuff stuff.

    I wish he would have invited me to the shore.



  251.  #252CurvySiren10 on July 3, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Calypso, you seemed so into this guy before meeting him. I would love to hear what happened when you met. Was it just total disappointment about the looks? Did you know he smoked? Did his personality transform face-to-face vs. the phone personality? I feel very curious to hear more details on this but I totally understand the feeling. Been there, done that …and feel very grateful to not be doing it now, lol. (Just got engaged…)



  252.  #253Starla on July 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

    My punches and kicks are getting so strong. I feel really inspired by Sheridyn Fisher, who is a playboy model, but beyond that, an incredible athlete who follows a very clean lifestyle and is a kickboxer.



  253.  #254Rebecca on July 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Dancing Siren ~ wow, this is the most real dialogue I have read on the blog since I have joined!!

    I sooo relate to this…

    Thank you for sharing!!



  254.  #255Rebecca on July 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Dancing Siren ~ wow, this is the most real dialogue I have read on the blog since I have joined!!

    I sooo relate to this…

    Thank you for sharing!!



  255.  #256Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Rebecca,

    248 – Thank you! I am in love with him, and that is why I may seem patient. Love is a powerful force.

    Rori says not to get too hung up with any one man. So I am doing my best to CD and it feels good to be able to not hyperfocus on him so much, altho I still tend to do it. I felt a lil fake telling him my world doesn’t orient around him, LOL, and denying that I was emailing about him! Haha! If only he knew half of what I say! I would feel mortified if he ever discovered this website!

    Anyway, baby steps, and I am not nearly as obsessed with him as I was! Sure do love him, tho!



  256.  #257Shar lean way back on July 3, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Congratulations Dominique!

    Details please 🙂



  257.  #258Linda on July 3, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Boasgirl: THank you. I have always felt attractive until I had been with him a while.

    My anger.. I just dont know what to do with it. I have always been taught to put your anger where it belongs and not vent on someone else. In my case I will never speak to receive any communication from this man again. I am at a loss.

    I do hope that there is such a man out there.. one that will relect my beauty.

    Linda



  258.  #259Dominique on July 3, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Jasmine – #231 -You always want to be open and warm, even when he’s not in your presence. It’s the leaning forward, the anxiety, the acting from desperation which needs to be discarded.



  259.  #260ulii on July 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

    @ Calypso, Femininewoman

    I have these doubts about attraction and being a match. And how and if we can notice it and decide about it.

    Where are the limits? I hear a lot here that “the attraction can build over time” for us women. Ok.. I agree with this, because I have experienced it. I have experienced that some guy I have not noticed before starts suddenly to make me feel all excited. Maybe some thing he said, a masculine way he behaved.. And I have experienced during a long term relationship, how when I though all the attraction was already lost, I suddenly could be completely turned on by some way of my ex’s caring behavior. So I get that the attraction can be created from zero in no big time. But…..

    If you are cd-ing many men. And there is somebody you feel neutral about.. Should I put my time & energy into it?

    And if there are details about someone that directly feel irritating and disgusting? Should I still give them a chance? I have been pondering about this and feeling confused.

    I try not to be too judging about a man’s looks in the beginning. Accept his approaches and go to a date. Even if he doesn’t look attractive to me in the photos, and even if I know he is probably shorter than I would dream of.. And even when he admits he is an occasional smoker (I have a boundary of never living with a smoker…although I have seen people trying to quit smoking after I have told them that.)… although that usually means bad teeth and bad mouth-smell.

    So… right now there is a cd in my life, i would call him NiceGuy…. that I feel in the middle territory with. He is also long distance. From a town I used to live with my ex in Spain. But I met him here in Estonia (he contacted me via dating site just to get to know the town…and I met him in 2 occasions some months ago, kissed him while being little dipsy…and ever since then he has been in contact although I was not too interested. And few weeks ago he came to see me again for a week, and he is looking for a job in my country and other places…and talking about us all the time and how he would arrange us to live together. The thing is I am still not really interested at all. I didn’t feel we are a match. And I’m starting to feel guilty letting him talk about all this plans.

    He is really good in physical touch though, so I get some thrills going on inside me when I am actually close to him and he puts his arm around me. Even kissing was quite good. And he is a lot taller than me (which feels good to me). But there are things that irritate me a lot. And thinking about him from a distance doesn’t make me miss him, rather the opposite. And he talking of “us” is starting to feel suffocating. I don’t like his laugh, and the way of speaking and making funny noises while he speaks. I don’t like he has too much hair in his face & his eyebrows that are so thick.. And a bad body posture. And that he has no musical hear but still tries to play violin and wants me to teach him. I felt so impatient and annoyed… and drained from the day we tried to play some tunes together…

    I feel so shallow and guilty writing this. But these are things that are a big deal, because in everyday contact it would trigger me all the time. And I can’t tell him don’t laugh like that, or stand up more straight.. But, these things kill the attraction for me.

    So, should I give him a chance regardless of how he irritates me? I don’t really want to.

    I think I have to tell him soon that we are not a match in my opinion. I feel I’m leading him on by letting him continue to fantasize about our future.

    Up until now I have been using feeling messages with him and been also honest in answering whatever questions he asks. I have said it doesn’t feel good if he calls too much. Or if he speaks using “us”. And that I feel I want to be free and meet other people. And his answer is that he understands and accepts that. And tries not to be too smothering. But he still likes me and still continues in contact and talking about coming to see me again. I feel I have been too unclear about it maybe.

    Do I really need to tell him the exact reasons why I don’t find us to be a match?



  260.  #261Dominique on July 3, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Many of you already know this, and thank you for the warm wishes above, K and I got married this past weekend. Really it was not a big deal, and the excerpt Femininewoman copied above outlines this well.

    It was sweet and thankfully very short.

    Sadly, maybe happily, we got the sickness part out of the way the same night.l 🙁 Fortunately we had our wedding night that the morning. 🙂

    Details more or less are here thought not the sickness part:

    http://sexandheart.com/we-got-married#comment-2008

    xxoo



  261.  #262Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

    oh wow Esteemed. That should’ve been really hard. I wouldn’t imagine how hurt you were. So you broke up in 2009, how did you end up being back together?



  262.  #263Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Thank you Dominique. I will keep it in mind. I do need to start discarding my anxiety. Thanks a lot!!



  263.  #264ulii on July 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Congratulations Dominique!!!



  264.  #265Dominique on July 3, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Another thing Jasmine – You want to share of yourself, your feeling, your vulnerable heart, but you don’t want to make a big deal out of it. You don’t want to sit him down and spill all, the good, the not so good. This all wants to come out naturally and organically as you learn to express yourself and make it about you, not him.

    Heart-to-hearts are few and only for when something serious is on your mind.

    xxoo



  265.  #266Starla on July 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

    “One of the other common mistakes to avoid is playing mind games with the man you are trying to date. Some women put so much importance on the outcome of their dating relationships that every interaction with a man is a do-or-die situation. The problem with this is that you over-think and over-analyze the act of getting a man to like you that you end up too flustered to hold a conversation.”

    gahahahahah, this was me. it might still be me.



  266.  #267Dominique on July 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Thank you ulii, Femininewoman, shar lean way back, Emoticon.

    xxoo



  267.  #268Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Dominique,

    261 – Check you out, Siren woman! Congratulations!!! I feel very surprised and happy!



  268.  #269Calypso on July 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Ulii – I personally never get into the “reasons” – that (for me) is blaming them for somethign that is probably more of an issue with me – no need to tear a man down when the qualities I find unattractive may be perfect for his real match.

    I have to listen to the voice inside me – if it is screaming that I do not want physical cointact with a man, then I am not going to string him along and keep having him spend money on me. I may have issues letting someone get close to me on the inside, but i don’t have a problem letting someone get physically close to me if the chemistry is there. If it isn’t, I’m not going to put myself through anything that I feel ike I have to “endure” . . . I did that for the last several years of my marriage – never again!



  269.  #270CurvySiren10 on July 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

    SO excited about this news Dominique. CONGRATS!!! 🙂 (again!) I know it’s not a big change for you two, but it’s touched me a lot personally…and given me a lot to think about.

    Your relationship with K is a huge inspiration to me. (and others…I am sure)

    xoxo



  270.  #271Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Jasmine,

    262 – “So you broke up in 2009, how did you end up being back together?”

    It has been a very painful, confusing, vulnerable, grotesque path that has led us to where we are…friends, LOL.

    He kept coming back my direction after I sent him condemning, critical, accusing texts and just sent about 30 texts a day, many times over! it was just a miracle because he was far from being the only one at fault!

    My story is strewn throughout the pages of Rori’s blog over the past 2.5 years. But that’s it in short. I think only a Soul Mate would have kept coming back after all the garbage I threw in his path!



  271.  #272siren song on July 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

    curvy siren,

    did you recently get engaged, or am i making that up?



  272.  #273lilybelly on July 3, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Um Curvy… Congrats to you as well!!

    Saw you on Dominique’s blog but didn’t want to say anything here until you spoke up! I’m good at keeping secrets. 😉

    Wonderful news!



  273.  #274Calypso on July 3, 2012 at 10:51 am

    CurveySiren10 – I asked myself those same hard questions on my hour and a half drive home last night. How could I be so attracted to him online and sort of disgusted with him in person? I think I created this idea of him – the strong, tall, farmer and he also reminded me of GM in the way he talked, so since the picture wasn’t clear, I think I sort of turned him into a different version of GM – my bad! Lol

    I was actually shocked when I saw him. He looked so old and run down and even though he said he smoked “occasionally” online, he smoked a pack while we were together last night – even when we went for a walk in the park.

    To me, smell is very important. No cologn, but th etrue scent of a man – he smelled bad to me – not like sweat – just not a good scent for me.

    When he kissed me, I tasted the cigarettes and inhailed something that just did not make me feel good about being with him . . . Like I said – sort of like kissing my grandpa – all wrong!!!

    NEXT!



  274.  #275Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Congrats Curvy Siren



  275.  #276Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Who on the blog smokes loud or knows about smoking herb and singing



  276.  #277Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

    hahahahah that was funny Starla, but you’re right.

    Dominique,
    you are very right. I’ve been really good at making big deals out of not-so-important things and I easily get hung up. And yes, I have also made everything about him and forgot about myself most of the time.

    I do have a lot to work on but you guys’ words are so encouraging and inspiring :). I just love it!



  277.  #278Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Emoticon,

    233 – that is so sweet!! What you said there was just beautiful. Thank you!!



  278.  #279CurvySiren10 on July 3, 2012 at 11:12 am

    272 Siren song, yes a little over 3 weeks ago.

    273 Lilybelly, thank you so much! 🙂 i’m so happy but also confused~ and Dominique’s post on her blog really helped me. I’m going to post the whole story here soon…I could use Siren input, but yes- VERY happy!!

    274 Calypso, thanks for explaining. It makes sense. And is also a great testament about how we tend to gather up all of these expectations when we “click” online. My guy and I spend 3 very intense days online and the phone leading up to our meeting. When we met, we were both REALLY worked up about it and it turned out that HE was a little disappointed. (I wasn’t at all) But we kinda worked through that (lonnnggg story behind this that I will share here soon) and now here we are, committed and definitely in the “relationship I (we) want”. Good lessons for you though. Love your attitude; very healthy!

    274 Emoticon, thank you!!



  279.  #280CurvySiren10 on July 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Ugh typos! edited to change spend, to spent.

    and it was post 275 Emoticon, not 274.

    🙂



  280.  #281Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

    ohh Esteemed,

    I totally had misunderstood you! I thought you were back together. But as far as it sounds, it’s going on the right direction. I do hope you guys get there, and be glad now that you know you won’t make the same mistakes!! Btw have you been circular dating ever since?

    Proud of you,

    Jasmine



  281.  #282Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Calypso – eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

    I can’t do the cigarette thing. I get headaches.
    Your experience is a lesson that no matter what we think, attraction and chemistry cannot be built online. It takes a combination of things, including smell to do that.



  282.  #283Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Calypso – eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

    I can’t do the cigarette thing. I get headaches.
    Your experience is a lesson that no matter what we think, attraction and chemistry cannot be built online. It takes a combination of things, including smell to do that.



  283.  #284Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Starla me too. I recently got flustered in conversation talking about my sexuality and sensuality. But I don’t care. I am going to talk until I stop getting flustered. Each time I share feelings I normally hide it feels like I turn around and look at myself square in the face. As if I have stopped running away from myself.



  284.  #285Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Btw what does CD mean? I’ve seen it in a lot of comments.

    Jasmine



  285.  #286Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

    What I like about this blog is that as you write about your own experience you realize what you’ve been doing wrong and even see things more clearly. It’s a good exercise and a great way to catch ourselves. And of course, we are all beautiful. Cheers!!

    Jasmine



  286.  #287Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 11:40 am

    CD – circular date

    One of the things most of us do wrong is follow the one man at a time plan but Rori encourages dating at least 3 at a time to avoid become laser focussed on one and what he does.



  287.  #288ReceivingGirl on July 3, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Hi Sirens!!

    I haven’t been able to get on the blog for a few days now. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mr. Observant 🙂 and work has been crazy.

    I just had to tell you, yesterday, he said to me, “I feel all warm & fuzzy.” And I almost giggled cause I was thinking of all you wonderful ladies, this blog, feeling messages and how he’s totally mirroring mine. It’s cute!

    His divorce is turning ugly, but he’s been staying really positive and upbeat, so that is good. Also, I have a greater understanding of what was going on with him. He’s been trying to explain it all to me. He sees his bipolar as a gift and it helps him live his life better. It’s very interesting.

    I have really good feelings about this one and he literally is the male version of me in sooo many ways. I think that is exactly what I needed…someone who is able to “get” me.

    I hope all is well with all of you! 🙂



  288.  #289Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    OMG RG



  289.  #290ReceivingGirl on July 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Thinking = Chasing

    This is very hard for me. I’ve been doing pretty good with “not chasing” and allowing him to lead. I’ve had a couple lapses, but the thinking thing still gets me. I have also gone to him 2 times.



  290.  #291Tam on July 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    RG – it all sounds good for you?! 🙂

    Is it Rockstar, when I need help, to say:
    ‘happy 4th July, hope all is well. I would like to ask for your help, i think you were right with your suggestion of xyz, could you please
    give me ‘soandso’s’ contact details? Thank you!’
    Just like that? I don’t want anything with feelings or romance or chasing-sounding, I do really just need help and someone’s contact details…..pffff.



  291.  #292Brandylion on July 3, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I went for a run this morning, and I’ve been noticing all morning that my sides and shoulders are a little sore. I’m trying to figure out why, since I don’t really use them for running. It’s because I did some yoga last night, and I haven’t since last October!

    It’s a little soreness, like a “hey, those muscles got used!” pain, not like an intrusive, keeping-me-from-my-daily-business pain.

    I will remember this next time I hurt over PriestCD or any man. It’s a “hey, my heart got used to give love!” pain. It doesn’t have to be a keeping-me-from-my-daily-business pain.



  292.  #293ReceivingGirl on July 3, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    @291 Tam

    Yes & I’m trying not to let my “it too good to be true” thoughts flow through! 🙂

    What if you just keep it simple with, “Happy 4th of July. Would you please send me soandso’s contact info? Thank you!”

    No feelings, just business. I don’t feel you need to explain why or even say you need help, it seems like it would be clear without an explanation. What do you think?



  293.  #294ulii on July 3, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    RE 292 Brandylion

    Wow! I love this metaphor. 🙂



  294.  #295Daria on July 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I am the majestic Daria

    no one can fuchk w me

    that sounds not open

    mm open is

    i am peace

    i am huge peace

    that everyone is a part of

    im rough cats tongue peace

    im cheese squeezed thru a cloth

    im fresher than the pea seed out the pod



  295.  #296Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    what i love with men right now is im getting about “getting my emotional needs met by multiple men, from the men around me”

    anywhere i am

    its interaction with the “river of men”

    in general

    not with a particular man

    how open am i being

    right now with no man around?



  296.  #297Tereana on July 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I feel a little annoyed with myself…I was at a very cool, sexy museum exhibit today, and it made me think of V. I was nervous to do it, but I decided to text him anyway. So I did. And he texted back.

    It was all find and good until he said something I liked (I sent him a picture). And instead of sending just a smiley back, as was my first impulse, I texted *another* picture. Then a comment with a smiley. Then, when he still didn’t respond, I asked him to excuse my enthusiasm. Excuse my enthusiasm??? What am I talking about? I don’t want him to “excuse” me at all! I want him to accept me exactly as I am, which is awesome and perfect and amazing and sexy. He knows that. I just don’t think he knows really how sexy I am. He sees sexy on the surface. And that’s great. But my sexy is so much deeper than that…



  297.  #298Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    the air feels toxic

    what if the air could feel good

    waht if i didnt know about the air

    what if waht i didnt knwo felt good

    i memorized this from rori

    goooo me

    now it feels good

    smokey w cigarettes… ANd good

    wow

    yummy

    it almost smells like watermelon



  298.  #299Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    so wen someone sounds SO invested and i feel terrified for them cuz it sounds like its not gonna work and they’re TOO invested and sound like its gonna crash down if they dont change their perspective

    what do i feel?

    i feel panicked, scared, apprehension, anxiety, tingling all across my back, tight trhoat

    novacaine cheeks droopy

    mmm

    wow im paying attention to ME!

    instead of giving advice

    its all abotu ME!



  299.  #300Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    omg omg im feeling so challenged by this in all aspects of my life

    what am i feeling

    anxiety panic

    also pleasure relaxation and smilyness

    hehee

    soup

    im openign my arms to my man HEALTH

    and my man MONEY

    and my man MAN



  300.  #301Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I do! Emoticon 🙂



  301.  #302Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Smoking gives my voice a raspy “smoky” vibration 🙂 i like it mucho and i am starting to sing for the first times ever in my life… i love smoking for the artistic inspiration and emotional and spiritual power… and that feels awesome in my singing and dancing and whatevering

    If i wanted crystal clear notes it might mellow that down and make them more ‘earthy’

    i experiment what works for myself. yes it does have an effect for me, an also i can use any effect to vote for me



  302.  #303Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Dancing Siren – omg so awesome! thats how i do it too!

    yay go girl! you so stayed with yourself 🙂 yay 1

    i feel so happy 🙂 🙂 🙂



  303.  #304siren song on July 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    guy who loves me just emailed me about my mum. she’s sick in the hospital. that felt nice.



  304.  #305goldenflower on July 3, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    173: Linda
    Hi Linda, I was tring to send this earlier today but then my stupid work system decided to start filtering the page. Sometimes it blocks some of the pages. Hope you are releasing the anger in some way. I find going to some hills myself and screaming actually helps! Otherwise the ounching of pillows or get a bat and hit the pillows with it. Just sm ideas.

    I came across this on the blog recently and think it helps, even if not directly applicable to your situation:
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/sexy-warrior-woman-you/

    I have a hard time expressing anger too, but actually have a hot temper naturally.
    As i know too well, it is so awful to realise in hindsight how disempowered you became through a relationship. But maybe a way to see it is to be grateful you are free from this person now. The lessons you learnt will be useful for you in redressing any energetic mismatches in future. You will heal yourself and come through this as the strong spirit you are, in full balance and in your authentic self. It is good to be angry , it is how you feel. And rightly so. This too will pass. Go you, you are glorious.

    (((((((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))))))



  305.  #306Tam on July 3, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    siren song, what’s the state of play with you and guy who loves you?



  306.  #307Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Daria, I’m finding that all my notes are stil clear maybe an hour afterwards. But my low notes are more audible and my lower range has expanded. I like this. I just experimented earlier today. That’s awesome news the way my voice is responding to it, I hope it doesn’t change long term.



  307.  #308siren song on July 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    tam,

    we don’t really have anything going on. i hear he’s dating other women (although that’s just a rumour) and we don’t really talk. he stil emails me 3 times a week. i haven’t leaned forwardf with him in almost 3 weeks. he was really angry for a long time, so i’ve been leaning WAY WAY WAY back.

    it does feel nice to have someone check in on things, even if he’s not my man anymore.



  308.  #309Tam on July 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    293 – Thank you RG, well yes, good suggestion…might just do that, just trying not to sound rude either…or cold. Just to simply be myself and actually not to care how it is received. Hm.



  309.  #310Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    omg! doing this lefkoe belief shift process and its SO making me feel good in the moment!

    and probably permanently

    omg!

    earasing my conditioning to fears!

    right now i earsed my panic anxiety around when things arent going the way i think they SHOULd be going

    including in other peoples situations in the blog and afor me int he blog in general

    hehe

    omg this ROCKS

    i DO recommend the lefkoe process but the energy still has to also move through the body so lots of BOdy stretches

    i fel sad thinking that cuz im nto doing them im gonna now do the Lefkoe on that



  310.  #311Tam on July 3, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    ok siren song…seems he cares a lot, 3 times a week even just emailing shows that he does and all the little gestures. Does he always initiate? (sorry this sounds like I am interrogating and saying: ‘give him a chance’ , when clearly you said it doesn’t work)

    The way you write about him, I sense good vibes coming from him but maybe I am just a sucker for slightly damaged men…no idea!!!



  311.  #312ReceivingGirl on July 3, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    @26 Lilybelly

    I can totally relate to what you wrote. It really is an amazing experience to feel this from a man.



  312.  #313Daria on July 3, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    its kind of a Byron Katie but on fears and it works in 5 min easy .

    If ure a logical person and wanna try this Lefkoe thing ill give u the insider link just holla at me (get my attention here or by emailing me or facebook etc)

    wow i feel moved wow. i just erased

    i feel *fear* ” whenever I’m not doing/accomplishign whar i should”

    wow!

    i still feel awed and tingly as this shifts my body

    this Works!



  313.  #314ReceivingGirl on July 3, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    @309 Tam

    If I was asking “just a guy friend” for someone’s contact info, that is exactly how I would do it. Just simply ask and saying happy 4th is the being nice part of it 🙂



  314.  #315goldenflower on July 3, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    I Feel so much stronger today. Less tears than the day before, much less heavy heart. I was able to be fully present for my workmates and for my good friend.

    In some ways maybe it is a relief not to see his name online any more. I have done my best for him, as much as I could. And it was maybe the wrong approach but if someone is ill and has a hard time in life then it is impossible for me not to offer help. Reaching got me the exact same result as not reaching would have. He has made the decision he canr be in a relationship, i have no control over anothers decision. I only have control over me. He has friends, family around him, he is still working and is functioning day to day, and is able to post comedy and songs on fbk. So even if he suffers as he has said he is still not alone, he has people who care.

    I worry so much about others, but i would like to be able to let this go more. A way to channel the caring side into productive ways. I want to be a bitch sometimes. I want not to care so much. I love myself for all the parts of me that are there, i love the shadow and the light parts. I embrace them all. they are me.

    I’m going on a counselling list to get some help with my Dad issues, its been a good few years since I had any counselling support. I have kept pushing it away but now think it will help me get really into the root of all this self esteem problem. I know or think i know all the patterns which it created, I have done a lot of self work over years. But I still think I have more blind spots going on, so an outside source will help.
    I fell for three guys in past two years since I became single, all three have a very similar look and all three are immature and with deep childhood issues. In some ways I see all three as a way of finding my purpose in life. I want to have my own purpose separate from any future partners. I would love to be married and with the right man, more than anything. But I think for me I have to choose myself in all ways before I can truly feel authentic and confident with who I am on this planet. I am still searching for my purpose.
    I will choose me, i will keep going on my bridge, I will keep healing myself no matter the distractions. I will choose myself every time.



  315.  #316siren song on July 3, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    he always always initiates.

    i just feel weird sometimes being in contact with him when he’s out dating, and after the really intense outbursts he had about me CDing before we broke up. we were planning on getting married.

    but yeah, he definitely loves me. that feels certain to me.

    and i’ll keep catching his arrows if he’s shooting them, a la Targetting Mister Right. but i’m dating a bit and staying open to others every day.



  316.  #317siren song on July 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    oooh daria!! that sounds exciting!



  317.  #318Daria on July 3, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Emoticon – hi 5! I love it for songwriting too 🙂 and also for getting those real raw heartfelt sounds that are in between the notes… YUM!

    I feel so THRILLLEEDDD with life 🙂 🙂



  318.  #319Daria on July 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    siren song – NO bad behavior. put downs are bad behavior. soon as it feels bad, see Dancing Siren’s example

    it feels challenging and also i feel relieved and triumphant im getting more and more away from abusive relationships every babysteps



  319.  #320Daria on July 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    i feel so angry at this guy for you!

    i feel like throwing things at him running up on hiim pulling his hair and smashing him on his head



  320.  #321siren song on July 3, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    yeah, bad behaviour feels gross.

    i feel much better without it in my life.



  321.  #322LoveAlways on July 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    HS cd and I spend a lot of time together these past few weeks. We are friends from childhood. It’s kind of like a BFF situation. Nothing intimate, not even kissing, but I can’t turn off the feminine energy. I’m not trying to seduce this guy at all, in any kind of way. I don’t want to complicate this. My feminine energy is everywhere, out of every pore. I feel phony not being feminine. I try to think “how do you treat a girlfriend, just treat him like a girlfriend,” but still, the leaning back, the unzippered heart, the feelings at the forefront – it all just oozes out of me.

    I’m totally comfortable around him, and he is comfortable around me. Not trying to get in his head or anything, not trying to trigger his heart or emotions. I just want to be careful here.

    Any advice or input sirens?



  322.  #323Smile on July 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Receiving girl I was wondering how your party had gone on Saturday! Sounds like things are great!



  323.  #324Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Sadly, positive times with Ryan are always short lived. Tension feels like par for the course, just to stay with my theme, FW. I guess I use par for the course when I identify negative patterns in people. This afternoon he resumed from last night:

    R: You believe in me, but you don’t believe me…interesting.

    B: Can we talk about it in person?

    R: I said when I get back from the shore. It makes me angry that you believe these things and if you continue to believe them, then ultimately our friendship will have to end.

    B: I feel at ease with waiting. I don’t want to discuss it now by text if we are waiting. I feel sad not to be able to rest in the harmony I felt last night.

    R: I can’t believe you think I tried to hurt u, and so bad. I am deeply offended.

    B: Are we discussing this now? If so, I prefer to discuss it in person. This feels bad and I don’t want to feel that way with you. 

    R: I don’t know, but you have been horribly unfair to me in all this accusing me of these atrocities!

    R: All I’m saying is that if you continue to carry false negative beliefs about me of such a serious degree, I will no longer be able to be your friend.

    R: We don’t have to talk about it now, we don’t even have to talk about it at all, I’m just saying, I can’t be your friend forever if you believe these false things.

    I feel especially sad over this one after having a moment to rejoice in that friendship. Once again my faith in R is dashed. Today I realized more than ever that Ryan is NOT about harmony and love. He is about manipulation. Ugh. I feel so disappointed in him, yet again.

    He was clearly disregarding my boundary of wanting to discuss it in person and trying to goad me into talking about it by text. No matter what I would have said, it would have ended badly. So I have no idea how to discuss what happened three years ago with him. It takes negotiation skills that are beyond my level.



  324.  #325Smile on July 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    I’ve been soo busy I’ve not caught up on blog but I’m glad my mind has been busy.

    Then suddenly strumming man called. I realised how well I am doing at leaning back and not thinking about him that I actually realised how well I had done when his name showed up on my phone for a chat. Took me by surprise! It felt good that I was occupied and truly focusing on me. He wasn’t even in the back of my mind!

    Wow that felt good!



  325.  #326Smile on July 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    I actually forgot about him for a spit second! He’s not consuming my thoughts anymore! Yey!



  326.  #327Smile on July 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I’m so happy right now, I sent him upbeat positive smiley vibes down the phone.



  327.  #328Smile on July 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Support to all sirens on a leaning back mission!



  328.  #329Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Jasmine,

    281 – “I totally had misunderstood you! I thought you were back together. But as far as it sounds, it’s going on the right direction. I do hope you guys get there, and be glad now that you know you won’t make the same mistakes!! Btw have you been circular dating ever since?”

    I wish. But I feel discouraged all over again. Thanks! I guess my goal is harmony and his goal is control.

    I have done some circular dating, not as much as I’d like. It feels so hard to get to a first date, or beyond one.



  329.  #330Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    So I am having this roller coaster of emotions right now, and it’s not even about him, but no matter how hard I try to do things that I like and have fun by myself everything turns out wrong. A friend of mine invited me to this place where they’ll be shooting fireworks tonight but suddenly she has to go with her boyfriend. Then I ask another friend of mine to hang out tonight but she has a date. My third friend invited me with her, but she will be with her boyfriend too. This is so stupid.

    Everything is so depressing, I want to go out so bad tonight because I am in the mood, but it seems like it’s going to be one of these lonely nights, specially when I know he’s having fun out there without even remembering that I exist.

    Starting to get sad,

    Jasmine



  330.  #331siren song on July 3, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    i second smile’s support!

    leaning back gets easier once you fill your life up.

    i have a date booked with one of my best girl friends tonight, then a party tomorrow night and a music festival thursday.

    life is super-fun right now.



  331.  #332Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Siren Song,

    That is really true, and I’m trying to fill my life up but even that is hard.

    Jasmine



  332.  #333Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    I know what you mean Steemed, and I read what happened with your man. Men are unpredictable, you never know what’s going to happen. But why did you have this argument if everything was apparently ok?

    Hope it gets better,

    Jasmine



  333.  #334Smile on July 3, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Jasmine, maybe start some projects that keep you busy when friends are not available.

    I have a lot of friends, I’m blessed. But I still find occasions where I’m alone. Especially as I live alone now. I’m 27. Recently I’ve learnt to be ok to not have to have plans with people. it’s a balance. Learn to love your own company or make plans with yourself.



  334.  #335Smile on July 3, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    27 ha smile your hilarious! Your so 28! Lol x



  335.  #336Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Smile,

    324-I’m so happy for you!! I know exactly how it feels. A few days of pain by leaning back are worth it at the end! Keep it rocking! And yeah, you are right but I don’t have that many friends now because it’s summer time and everybody is gone. So there’s not even anything to do. I spend a looooot of time by myself and that does not help me at all. I am not even anxious right now, but I hate that I try and still can’t even have fun.

    Jasmine



  336.  #337Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Jasmine,

    Sorry to hear plans for tonight are fizzling. Been there done that too many times.

    I got a kick out of you calling me “Steemed”, LOL! This has been a tumultuous relationship. It’s hard to capsulize in a few sentences. For starters, he is schizophrenic, and sometimes things happen that are weird.

    This was a clear case where i didn’t start anything at all. He picked a fight with me right in the midst of being as sweet as sweet can be. I could guess what is going on. I feel manipulated I guess. I am weary of trying to figure him out, and Rori says it’s a waste of energy.

    Beyond that, it is pretty complicated after spending hundreds of hours with him.



  337.  #338Smile on July 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    I’ve been soo busy tonight and I haven’t even seen anyone! Ive been scrap booking. Yeh I know this might not be every ones favourite thing to do but I’m making my friend a book of memories for a special time in her life. It’s a project I pick up and put down.

    Maybe you could find something like this to do… What ever interests you.



  338.  #339ulii on July 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    @ Jasmine

    Could you consider dressing up & making yourself beautiful and going to see these fireworks all by yourself? Or even with your friend + boyfriend. There could be more people there later. And you could have a nice occasion to circular date maybe. Being all feminine & flirting, practicing looking men into their eyes, smiling, leaning back & feeling messages. Maybe getting him a bit off your mind?

    Don’t do it if you don’t feel to… just randomly suggesting here. 🙂



  339.  #340Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Smile,

    I know but I was more on a bar type of mode lol. Hope I can figure something out. I need to get outta here. I want to see fireworks!

    Jasmine



  340.  #341Smile on July 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Jasmine, hmmm bar type of mode?? Lost in translation…

    I like uliis suggestion!



  341.  #342Linda on July 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    305: Goldenflower Hugs to you.

    I posted # 6 on the link you sent me. I wish I had saved it as it was “09 here on this blog.

    I just reread it all and my blog post. I was obviously feeling very strong then. I feel a mear shadow of what my warrior woman today though.

    Wow… I admit that I am so depleted. THis last relationship did much more bad than good. I wanna be this warrior woman again. I copied it so I could be inspired.

    I dont feel as mad as I did earlier today. I just owned it all day. I did not make anybody else the brunt of it either. I just felt it. I was empowering and sad to me at the same time.

    hugs to you.



  342.  #343Smile on July 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Ulii 192

    Only just caught up on your response.

    I would keep leaning back. Try and distance yourself from opportunities to interact with him. Join in the leaning back no contact mission going On here on the blog for many of us.

    (((ulii)))



  343.  #344Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Esteemed,

    I didn’t realize I spelled your name wrong lol. For some reason I always think it’s Steemed? But anyways, your guy seems to be kinda stubborn. When I look at your conversation I see he started defensive and then rejects you just because? And still, why would he bring that up if it’s past and you’re starting things fresh? (that’s what I suppose). Just don’t overthink. It does sound like he’s manipulating you or just trying to find an excuse to bring an argument and blame it on you. Was that the end of the convo?

    Jasmine



  344.  #345Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Smile,

    I meant I feel like going to a bar or something like that haha

    Jasmine



  345.  #346lilybelly on July 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    324:

    Esteemed,

    R has an illness.

    Take care of you.



  346.  #347Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Ulii,

    That’s a pretty good advice. But because of my awesome luck, now I can’t go with my friend either. I texted her and she told me I wouldn’t be able to fit in the car because she didn’t know two more people were coming. Waaay to go. This couldn’t be better.

    Jasmine



  347.  #348Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    So my newest CD is a rapper, and that’s a first for me so I’m a little excited although he says I don’t seem very excited about him. I guess to be honest I’m ot excited about him, more about the idea of a new experience possibly. Hmmm I can’t be excited about him yet, but I will say I do feel curious.

    I don’t know if he’s used to girls chasing and to getting compliments, but when we first started talking, he was complimenting me and I was just thanking him and expressing appreciation or sending smiley faces, and he said “so I don’t get a compliment back?” I said I don’t feel inclined to give a compliment every time I get one. From then he has been all lean forward.



  348.  #349Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Lily belly,
    I feel curious as to why R has an illness.



  349.  #350Francesca on July 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    I’m going to say something that scares me and will probably shock some of you but I chased my man.

    I totally went after him.

    And even though I had no idea what his reaction would be, I did it.

    If I hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t be together now because he wanted to chase me too but didn’t know what I would do if he did.

    So to say that it “never works” is a false statement in my case.



  350.  #351Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Lilibelly,

    I didn’t look at Esteemed’s situation that way but you make sense. If he’s schizophrenic that’s probably going to keep happening no matter how good things are. Although I don’t know much about schizophrenia, but it should be a cause of his mood switches.

    Jasmine



  351.  #352siren song on July 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    I’m going to give blood! First time ever! I feel nervous



  352.  #353Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Francesca,

    I think it all depends on the situation. Sometimes we are the ones interested and have to try to get them involved. But in other cases, obsessive/desperate chasing will make him pull away, just like it has happened to me and other Sirens.

    Lucky you!

    Jasmine



  353.  #354Francesca on July 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Emoticon, 😉



  354.  #355Linda on July 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Goldenflower

    I realize today something similar to what you realized.

    I do need someone to talk to, I am not sure of therapy because I am not convinced that there is an issue that needs to be corrected per say. I do understand me. I dont want to change me… just be smarter and wiser in my decisions to become involved with someone. This last person was capable of things that I did not know or imagine a person would do. Being sneaky, no conscience of lying.. etc but he will have to answer for that. The is his stuff. Me. I am happy with, very happy with my behavior and perservance. I was resolute. Did I loose, well,I did not get the relationship I wanted . but I did not loose….I am proud of me and my character thru this.

    I delievered everything I offered. It did not work because he did not.

    Next time, I will not linger, my choices will be different. I will be protective and am going to live truer to my core and my values. I am going to strenghten my weaknesses, but will always be a nuturer, helper, and giver. This is who I am I cant be any body else.

    Linda



  355.  #356Emoticon on July 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    France <3



  356.  #357Francesca on July 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Jasmine, I guess I was lucky and still am but you know that there is no such thing as saying the wrong thing to the right man, don’t you? 🙂



  357.  #358Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Jasmine,

    344 – “your guy seems to be kinda stubborn. When I look at your conversation I see he started defensive and then rejects you just because? And still, why would he bring that up if it’s past and you’re starting things fresh? (that’s what I suppose). Just don’t overthink. It does sound like he’s manipulating you or just trying to find an excuse to bring an argument and blame it on you. Was that the end of the convo?”

    Yes, that was the end of the conversation. it is a major issue to him that he won’t let go because he says it affects his reputation. Yet at my many efforts to discuss it, he refuses to discuss the details of what happened. He just says the same lines as you read, over and over. I am supposed to just believe the scenario as he recreated it. No questions asked.

    So far, it has never gotten resolved. Many times he has said he just wants to walk away, that it is too messy. But I have proof that he intentionally set me up for a fake proposal, and he still denies it.

    Yep, he’s stubborn all right.



  358.  #359Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Lilybelly,

    346 – Thanks for the reminder. Any suggestions what to say? I didn’t respond this last time because it felt like a losing battle.



  359.  #360Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Esteemed,

    What is your proof that he intentionally set you up for a fake proposal?

    Jasmine



  360.  #361Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Also Esteemed,

    I know what it is to be with a stubborn guy. It is not good at all. It feels like you don’t have a say and he’s always right. Be careful.

    Jasmine



  361.  #362Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Francesca,

    I don’t think I got the meaning of what you said? lol

    Jasmine



  362.  #363Siren Angel on July 3, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Esteemed, My guy is VERY stubborn and the one way i have found to work around this is to NEVER argue, negotiate, ask, but instead to use very simple ‘I want’ ‘I don’t want’ ‘I feel’ statements. Also be careful you are not disguising your arguing in messages, statements should be concise about what you feel and want without any concincing tone.



  363.  #364Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Jasmine,

    Good wisdom about it feeling like he is always right. I gave in to that in the past. Right now he has no provocation whatsoever to pick a fight with me. We had a nice connection last night. I think at the very least, this is a negotiation on his part.

    He draws me in then raises the stakes.

    The proof is three weeks after the fake proposal, I was feeling desperate (there’s that word again) to understand why he did what he did. I was praying for answers, and I felt so distraught that I stepped outside of the office at my job and called him. My phone connected, and then he was not on the other end of the line. Somehow my phone connected with his!

    I got to listen in like I was sitting in his pocket! I took it as an answer to prayer, and I sat there listening to silence except for him walking for about an hour. Then he got in the car and started playing “I’m on Fire” over and over, 5 times. While it played, he started to pray out loud!

    I took notes, so I could remember what he said. The gist of the prayer was asking God to please help him know how to handle this situation with me. The most meaningful thing he said was, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?” Then he said, “Don’t I deserve a little respect?”

    He kept saying over and over, “What should I do? What should I do? Please help me!” Then as the prayer progressed, he said, “Should I do nothing? Should I do nothing at all?”

    There was more, but basically that’s it. I think because of my naivete, I was making all the first moves. I think fundamentally, he was trying to teach me a lesson to let him initiate, that it wasn’t a relationship until he said it was. But the way he went about it was cruel, absolutely cruel. If he were to simply admit the above to me, or his version of the above, I would easily say I understand, it was a mistake, and I have already long since forgiven him and let it go.

    Instead, he won’t accept anything other than me denying that he set me up for a fake proposal. I won’t do that, because it’s not true.



  364.  #365Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Siren Angel,

    363 – Thank you! Good advice!



  365.  #366Francesca on July 3, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Jasmine @ 362

    I mean that had it been a different man, say the “wrong” man, my chasing would have ended up being totally for naught.

    But seeing as he is the “right” one, any and all words I said to him had a positive effect.

    I’ve chased other men before and didn’t end up with them because they were not the right ones.

    This one is.



  366.  #367Dominique on July 3, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Linda – Brava to you, awesome attitude.

    xxoo



  367.  #368Francesca on July 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Esteemed, do you mean that you called him and the phone never rang at his end but you still got to listen to him for an hour without him knowing you were listening?



  368.  #369Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Esteemed,

    As I read

    “The gist of the prayer was asking God to please help him know how to handle this situation with me. The most meaningful thing he said was, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?” Then he said, “Don’t I deserve a little respect?” He kept saying over and over, “What should I do? What should I do? Please help me!” Then as the prayer progressed, he said, “Should I do nothing? Should I do nothing at all?”

    I can’t make sense of what he said at all. Where exactly do you tell he did what he did on purpose? Seriously, I have read that part so many times that I can’t get anything good or bad out of it. To me he seemed worried?

    I really don’t know, I guess I need to know more about the situation to be able to understand.

    Jasmine



  369.  #370Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Francesca,

    Oh yeah, you are very right. He was the guy for you. I wish I could find the guy who doesn’t give me anymore headaches.

    But I’m happy for you 🙂

    Jasmine



  370.  #371Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    Dominique,

    Did you mean bravo? Haha

    Jasmine



  371.  #372Francesca on July 3, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks Jasmine.

    And please do not despair.

    Chances are you will find the right guy for you.



  372.  #373Dominique on July 3, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    nope Jasmine, I meant brava. (the unofficial or maybe official version of bravo for goddesses or sirens)

    xxoo



  373.  #374Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Dominique,

    hahah just asking because I’m a native Spanish speaker.

    Hugs,

    Jasmine



  374.  #375lilybelly on July 3, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    359:

    Esteemed, your lack of response is exactly how I would have handled it. Exactly. My step brother has the same illness and sometimes, it’s best to just let things be. Even with “normal” people ( whatever that is, 😉 ) but especially so with him. They just don’t think and process the same way as we do through no fault of their own and when they get fixated on something..that is all they can think about.



  375.  #376Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Knocksoftly,

    Good to see you back! Exactly! Identical scenario!



  376.  #377Starla on July 3, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    I love that tomorrow is a holiday:) It feels like Friday night. I’m going to try to cook something new (German cabbage) and relax and watch a movie (I think I’ll watch “Think Like A Man” finally.

    I feel like a goddess.



  377.  #378Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    Knocksoftly goods to see you posting again.



  378.  #379Siren Angel on July 3, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Hi Starla! 🙂



  379.  #380Daria on July 3, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    hey my dad recounts incidents differently so i guess its many people

    they get really upset when i give my version of events too

    so to me its more like ‘all about me’

    blaming the man for having a version of experience is like abandoning myself

    whats going on with myself there?

    im feeling terrified, lost…

    woozy and dazed

    sad

    ouch

    heartache



  380.  #381Vi on July 3, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Ewwww.. I “complimented” another person by putting myself down.. I kind of compared something between us in favor of other person! I feel glad I caught myself doing that. that’s disgusting.. : ). no wonder I feel so angry at people sometimes.. it feels like I am handing them over all my power… and they do nothing wrong…
    I am never never going to do that to me again! My precious dear sweetheart me, I vote for YOU! first and foremost! and I vote for all other people as well.. : ) and yes you can go together… : ) and yes you don’t need to choose between “you” and “them” anymore… and you always go for me first…wow .. I feel protected and safe with me… Feeling good… discovering my magic self…



  381.  #382LiliBee on July 3, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Hi sirens 🙂

    I have so much to share with you all, but so little time.
    I had a sorta “no gf” speech with D last night.

    When we got back from vacation, he told me he was going to the annual bike festival with his friends for a whole week.
    I had replied “you went from ‘honey, does it bother you if I go to a golf tournament with my friends for 1 day’ to ‘honey, I’m going on a 1 week trip with my friends’. I feel angry and irritated, especially after being promised no more vacations without me”.

    Then he went out of his way to charm his cousin’s gf at a wedding and I felt forgotten all evening.

    Last night was our 1st alone night in a long while.
    He had his son all long weekend.
    I asked what his plans were for the upcoming weekend.
    He said ” I don’t have plans, I never know what I’ll be doing.”
    I said ” Well then I do. I’ll be joining the meetup group at the beach.”
    Him ” are you going shopping?” He perceives that meetup group as a single’s hookup, but it’s an outdoor activities group.
    I said “maybe”. He clearly looked upset.
    I went on to say ” well you’ve been talking about your next vacation plans, plans to change your workschedule to fit hockey…all of which take away time spent with me. These are plans for the next few months up til winter, and I’ve heard no mention of me anywhere in there.
    So I anticipate the lonely feelings I’ve had under those circumstances before.
    I don’t want to feel sad and lonely like that again, so I need to make friends and make my own social life.
    I want to be doing fun things with people, I don’t want to sit around feeling lonely.

    He said “I won’t go to the bike festival with my friends! I didn’t say I was going, I just said they invited me.”
    (he definitely said he was going).

    Then he said “What am I supposed to do? Stay home and do nothing while I have 5 more weeks of vacation this year?”

    My response ” Well there you go, you have 5 weeks to find time to spend with me. I have 1 week of vacation left, and it would feel great to spend it with you. But if you’re not available, I will make plans for it.”

    I found that beach party for this saturday, then 3 people invited me to another huge beach party in 3 weeks, then another for waterslides in 2 weeks.
    A wedding in my family way out of town…I’ll be a busy social butterfly with or without him.

    It’s almost like he expects me to be like his exes and just sit around the house being depressed waiting for him to show up.
    He wanted a more outgoing gf to do fun stuff with. He has that gf now, but doesn’t recognize it and appreciate it.

    He was so surprised to hear that I went out bike riding with my bf tonight.
    Then I was surprised to hear that he went bike riding with his son. I didn’t even know he had a bicycle!
    He was shocked that I could take my bike out by myself and inflate the tires myself!

    I asked “why didn’t you ever ask me to go bikeriding? I had no idea. It would feel so romantic to go peddling in the park by the water together. I feel bored sitting around doing nothing.”

    I feel angry that he treats me like I was his exes.
    He complained that they never wanted to go anywhere and do anything, just sit around the house.
    I’m the opposite, but he keeps assuming I’m like his exes.

    Grrrr! I wanta (but won’t) say to him “Open up your mind and see ME you blind bat!”



  382.  #383Femininewoman on July 3, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Esteemed can I remind you that one of the pillars of Rori’s work is telling women to just STOP. STOP what is not working. I see you contantly praising her wisdom but this is the one thing you consisently ignore. You keep repeatinG the story the same way though it doesnt work. Time to shake things up by changing around the drawers. Change the story and stick to the change until youR brain believes it.



  383.  #384Jasmine on July 3, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Sirens!!

    I finally found something good to do. I’m going to see some fireworks at Skydeck!! I already got beautiful, and I’m about to start using my charms. Girls night people!! Let’s see how this circular dating goes haha.

    Hugs!!

    Jasmine



  384.  #385LiliBee on July 3, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    383:

    That reminds me what 1 of my former therapists said that really hit home for me:

    “You want a warm, compassionate, attentive man. But with you so shut down like you are now, you won’t be able to even recognize such a man, let alone appreciate him.”

    That therapist’s voice still rings in my ear all the time after 11 years!



  385.  #386LiliBee on July 3, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    384:

    Yeah, me too I want some of that STOP, STOP, STOP what doesn’t work.



  386.  #387LiliBee on July 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    385:

    You go girl! Way to go Jasmine!



  387.  #388LiliBee on July 3, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Siren Angel! Hi! So good to see you here! 😀



  388.  #389Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Jasmine,

    When R was praying, I am sure it was not completely coherent, being that he was alone. I mean, when I pray alone, I half think half say my prayers.

    The part that most caught my attention, in the context of him talking about how to handle the situation with me, is when he said, “Brenda, I do, right? You accept, right?” Those are clearly proposal type of words.

    What I heard in that was regretting that he didn’t just give me a real proposal, that he would have been happily engaged if he hadn’t gone this other route.

    So when he says to me that I totally imagined he was hinting toward a proposal, that shows me it was in his mind.

    This is all very complicated and extensive. I feel a bit uncomfortable going into it all, because I have hashed and rehashed it already here.

    But I appreciate your interest and interaction with me.



  389.  #390Starla on July 3, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Hey Siren Angel!



  390.  #391LiliBee on July 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    🙁 Starla, I think SA went to bed.
    She’s in my timezone, and it’s gettin late here.

    Goodnight sirens!



  391.  #392Starla on July 3, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Wow, I told a good looking, super intelligent guy I know that I am taking a Japanese class, and he just texted me that he signed up to take it with me! So he’ll be there with me! How cool! It will feel so fun to have a friend there and not feel all awkward. And if there’s someone interesting in class that I’d like to get closer to, I can bring them into our little group, which is so much easier than 1 on 1.

    The universe smiles on me:)



  392.  #393Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    FW,

    384 – This feels bad to read. I feel shut down.



  393.  #394Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    Lilybelly,

    375 – Thanks!



  394.  #395Linda on July 3, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Dominique. THank you. When I get past the things that trigger me and send me on tangents or paths of healing. I underneath all that. I am proud of me, I like me not in a haughty pride but. I can look at me in the mirror and smile. When he wanted to pick petty fights, recount events totally incorrectly
    blaming me for things that were infact his fault. Even Threatening to take my christmas present back… I stood in his face and stated… I have done nothing but good to you. by all means take what you feel you are entitled to. I left and did not see or speak to him again.

    He did not take the gift when he left.

    I hope that the right man for me will desire a woman such as I.



  395.  #396Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Francesca,

    368 – “Esteemed, do you mean that you called him and the phone never rang at his end but you still got to listen to him for an hour without him knowing you were listening?”

    Yes, I guess I didn’t explain that very well. I sat on the phone for an hour with more or less silence before he started to pray out loud in his car. Normally I would feel invasive. But he was being so shut down and I was in a very fragile place emotionally so I made an exception and just considered it an answer to my prayer that I got to hear him in an unguarded moment.



  396.  #397Daria on July 3, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    im really loving myself by healing and grooming my mind with this Lefkoe belief shift process

    it feels so much more still and less anxiety in the moment right after i shift one of the beliefs

    wow so many thoughts triggering fear and anxiety in me all the time!

    and im healing and shifting that

    i feel moved



  397.  #398siren song on July 3, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Ooh! I am finding dates with hotter, more together men! Who want kids. They DO get better! 🙂



  398.  #399Starla on July 3, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    yay siren song!



  399.  #400Daria on July 3, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    and thrilled weeepeee 🙂



  400.  #401Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    My latest with R:

    4.75 hours later

    B: I forwarded what R sent to me last night: 🙂 I like to always be sweet and sensitive and make a beautiful lady smile.

    B: Again forwarding R’s words: 🙂 How can I make you smile? I wrote: By letting us enjoy some peace for more than a few hours at a time.

    B: R’s words: Can you teach me how to make you feel good and have harmony with you? Me: I feel heavy hearted.

    B: On a computer when you have two conflicting operating systems running at the same time, it tends to crash.

    R: 25 min later: Well,, I don’t want to make you sad, but you make me sad by your accusations.

    B: There is a time and place for everything. It would feel so good to enjoy good vibes from you for at least a day or two. If you already know I’m unwilling to discuss it by text, why not wait?

    B: We finally arrived at some connectedness and I felt so good. I wonder why it had to be immediately ruined?

    R: I don’t remember, but you better not be accusing me of that!

    50 minutes later

    B: I feel completely shut down. That feels bad to hear, and I have no idea why you are picking a fight with me after I felt closer than ever to you last night.

    R: I’m sorry. It’s not intentional, I don’t know how it came up.

    B: Thank you.



  401.  #402Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Ulii,

    I find that taking a break gives me a chance to get back to myself and feel peace inside. Silence helps me to drop the sense of urgency and I feel happier. It builds up confidence and creates some mystery 😉 Let’s see if he can handle it!



  402.  #403Daria on July 3, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    :: Going Along for the Ride ::

    Here’s something you can try if your child enjoys
    riding “piggyback”…

    When you’re both in a good mood, offer your child a
    piggyback ride. But don’t lift him/her up; instead,
    kneel down and let your child *climb* onto your back.

    Also, don’t try to “entertain” your child (i.e.,
    pretending to be a horse, etc.). Just walk from
    point A to point B and let the ride itself be the
    entertainment.

    After doing this a few times, your child will begin to
    recognize your “piggyback mounting position” as an
    invitation for a ride.

    Now you have a “tool” that’s especially good for
    helping your child shift from one flow to another.
    Instead of saying, “Stop playing; it’s time to go,”
    you won’t have to say anything — just assume the
    inviting position and your little rider will eagerly
    come on board!

    http://dailygroove.net/piggyback



  403.  #404Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Thank you LoveAlways 😉 😉



  404.  #405Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    R: Did you really feel closer to me than ever before? Why?

    B: Yes, I felt harmony, like I was really understanding you and our conversation was happy and fun. It felt good.



  405.  #406siren song on July 3, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Yay!



  406.  #407Daria on July 3, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Esteemed – not wanting to discuss something important seems like a block of intimacy on your part from my perspective

    its GREAT that he wants to talk — this is him leaning forward



  407.  #408Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    I had a wonderful evening. Worked late, as usual err but then decided to go to an outside dance event and just have a good time. I went alone and did not bump into any of my friends, but strangers asked me to dance and I dance with everyone, so I was a busy girl 😉 I loved it!

    And then on my way home he called and I didn’t hear the ring, so got a VM. Can always return it tomorrow, it’s late already anyway;)

    Ulii, to answer your question, I feel that between dates we don’t communicate much and also we see each other 1.5 times a week on average. There is always a reason, i.e. him traveling, etc., but still I’d love a phone call or just more time together. I thought that at about 6 months mark you spend a lot of time or even all your free time together, but it’s not happening. Are my expectations too naive?



  408.  #409Starla on July 3, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    My best friend told me a few weeks ago that basically I am family and I will be included in all family events from now on. I feel so touched. She followed through, and they’re all coming to pick me up at 5am for a fishing trip tomorrow. I’ve been to her house for thanksgiving and xmas last year, too, but I really appreciate the explicit invitation/inclusion. She lives in a big house with her mother, father, brother, and husband, and I love being there and how much love and respect her family shows me. I’ve known them since I was 9, and we’ve all seen each other grow and change and become amazing people, and I’m just gushing now, but I feel SO blessed.

    And then my blood family is trying to include me in their lives now, too. Better late than never, for sure. They are starting to understand me and see where I am coming from in my life.

    I feel SO blessed.



  409.  #410Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    Yay Starla! You should post the photo of the fish you catch. And no cheating please ;P



  410.  #411Starla on July 3, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Okay! Memulo, we should be facebook friends (if you want)!



  411.  #412Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Daria,

    408 – This is an interesting thought! it’s just that I have made it abundantly clear, repeatedly, that I do NOT want to discuss it by text. And most of the time we discuss it, it ends bad, with him saying he wants me out of his life.

    So it is scary to go there, and I refuse to do it by text. I feel frustrated that he wanted to bring it up right while we were getting along so well. But what you say makes me feel a new ray of hope.



  412.  #413Esteemed on July 3, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    Daria,

    I tacked on the part at the end in response to what you said:

    R: Did you really feel closer to me than ever before? Why?

    B: Yes, I felt harmony, like I was really understanding you and our conversation was happy and fun. It felt good.

    R:  But you realize there can never be true harmony in our friendship until I feel the past is resolved…And honestly, I don’t feel it ever will.

    B: Ok, let’s discuss it in detail when it’s convenient. Are you at the shore now?

    R: I’m leaving tomorrow morning.

    B: Nice! I feel curious…who are you going with? Where are you going?

    R: With my family to my Grandmother’s shore house.

    B: How nice!

    R: Thanks

    B: You going to see fireworks there? They had them tonight here. Nice night for it.

    R: Hopefully!

    B: Cool

    B: I just want to emphasize I am totally open to discussing past conflicts. Just in person, that’s all.

    R: Ok



  413.  #414Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Starla,

    Thank you, I am not big on fb. Go there once in a few months. I appreciate the offer very much. Also feeling paranoid about being discovered on the blog;)



  414.  #415Starla on July 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    no worries memulo:) i don’t know how to post photos here without being discovered, either. so i rely on fb. so just picture me with a huge fish, of course:)



  415.  #416Memulo on July 3, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Ok just bear in mind that if it’s a huge fish out of all possible combinations of you two together you should always be on the outside ;P



  416.  #417siren song on July 3, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Woo! I just went to my neighbourhood bar to watch kareoke. This guy approached me about 6 times to tell me thinks i’m beautiful and has already texted me 3X on the way home.

    I feel pretty good catching all of these arrows.



  417.  #418Daria on July 3, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Brenda – to me it comes across as controlling, this not wanting to discuss something real and connected – over text

    your questions after that seemed inauthentic – leading – in order to control – the conversation (so that the subject at hand would no longer be discussed)

    you Do have the skills to let this man in !



  418.  #419Starla on July 3, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    I took a stab at cooking one of my favorite dishes, and it came out perfect! I feel so proud and powerful, hehe



  419.  #420Brandylion on July 3, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    I have been feeling…despondent…most of today. I decided I wanted a cute, lightweight, simple dress I could wear to the big shindig downtown tomorrow night, thinking I could feel girly and pretty, especially since I’ll probably be going by myself. I only checked three stores in the hour and a half I spent out, but I didn’t find anything.

    And then I got hamburger grease on the light pink t-shirt I was wearing. I treated it and put it in the wash as soon as I got home; I hope it comes out. The shirt is one of the only feminine-ish things I brought with me this summer.



  420.  #421Starla on July 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    ((((((((((((((brandylion)))))))))))))))



  421.  #422Vi on July 3, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Daria, thank you for mentioning Morty Lefkoe. I googled him and his work with beliefs and processed one. It felt really powerful. Thank you.



  422.  #423Daria on July 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    im feeling anxious that my messages on dating sites are drying up

    well from ‘cute guys’

    maybe its time to expand my comfort level and go out with a guy outside of it again

    i feel sad thinking of that

    and thats ok

    hmmm



  423.  #424Daria on July 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Vi – you are welcome 🙂 i feel excited that it inspired u!



  424.  #425Kimmie on July 4, 2012 at 12:02 am

    Such a great article, but the part on thinking about him confuses me alittle. ~(if you feel yourself even THINKING about him – you’re chasing him in your mind).~

    I try to pay attention to my feelings and energy when I think about my new amazing boyfriend, and I notice there are two basic differences in my thoughts.
    Sometimes I am wanting him to call me or initiate contact with me and I feel an almost anxiousness. Thats when I stop myself and try to shift my thoughts to focusing on me and my children and my life.
    But other times I think of him and don’t feel the need to contact him. I think of the wonderful things he did like taking my little boy to the grocery store for batteries for his toy or getting up with my kids at 6am so I can sleep in even though its his only day off. And those thoughts just make me feel happy and excited and so full of joy for what my life has become.
    I do feel there is a difference and the second one has no harm to myself or the relationship.
    But I am also new to relationships (was with a toxic man for 9 years until last dec) and I really don’t want to end up driving my new boyfriend away. Is it ok to think about him if I can feel its coming from a positive non-chasing place?

    Side note, I love the fact I can call him my boyfriend. He asked to “go steady” and be exclusive with me a month ago and I was scared and told him i’m not ready but all that fear has just melted away over the past month with his patience and kindness, though I still make a point of hanging with my other guy friends regularily so its like my own version of CD.



  425.  #426Rebecca on July 4, 2012 at 1:19 am

    I feel angry at myself for not planning well enough in advance

    I refuse to forgive myself for not learning from my mistakes

    I feel anger at myself for not learning from my mistakes

    I feel anger at myself that I struggle soooo much to organise myself

    I feel jealousy of other people who are way more organised than I am

    I feel sad for me that I struggle so much

    (Excuse me sirens for processing here, much love…)



  426.  #427Rebecca on July 4, 2012 at 1:26 am

    Esteemed,

    I feel I am missing something here. What does this mean:
    R:  But you realize there can never be true harmony in our friendship until I feel the past is resolved…And honestly, I don’t feel it ever will.

    What needs to be “resolved”?



  427.  #428Rebecca on July 4, 2012 at 1:34 am

    I now realise that the man I like is not going to come back. I feel very upset about this, but also it really makes me think, we really don’t know what is going on in someone elses head. In person he came across like he really liked me, but the fact that now he has been avoiding me tells me something else. I find this so curious…

    I feel like it says more about me than them. I feel like I see what I want to see, and hear what I want to hear. This confuses me though…



  428.  #429Tam on July 4, 2012 at 3:43 am

    Aw no, the date with my two friends got cancelled..well one cancelled as he has something with his kids and the other one I didn’t know very well at all and haven’t seen him in 20 years, so I did say to the one who cancelled that I’d go alone with the one I don’t know very well, but feeling hesitant and shy. I gave him the option on backing outon the 1 to 1 so it’sunlikely to happen.
    I feel sad, lonely and double sad as it is 4th July 🙁 and I am not in the US where all my friends are partying, boating and whatever else.
    Guess I will take myself out alone tonight. A date with myself, the usual. Moany.



  429.  #430Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 5:34 am

    ((((((((KnockSoftly)))))))))



  430.  #431Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 5:38 am

    Is wanting privacy an unconscious block to intimacy?

    Would he feel obsessed with invading if he was invited in?



  431.  #432Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 5:42 am

    Kimmie how about experimentinG with letting go of all thoughts and finding ways of putting that energy on you to see what happens?



  432.  #433Tam on July 4, 2012 at 6:35 am

    oh, so now I have a date with a guy I haven’t seen in 20 years (and even then only once or twice)….I am scared of my own courage. Our common friend who was supposed to come but couldn’t make it just said the other guy is ‘surprised’ that I still want to go.
    That already makes me feel scared. I’d rather he’d have said ‘positively surprised’ or something….
    I see it as a good opportunity for practice but actually, sometimes I wonder if I am mad because right now I really don’t want to go. I should not have pushed for this….not at all. Well, all I did was say that I am still willing to go.

    Oh well, it will either be a good evening ot not, hey?



  433.  #434Memulo on July 4, 2012 at 6:42 am

    I want to tell SmartCD that I feel lonely when I have a problem at work and an important conversation with my manager and he doesn’t ask how the conversation went.

    I will be returning his call this morning, perhaps I can say it over the phone? Also, I want more attention on the days we are not together. Two requests in one phone conversation on a holiday feels kind of heavy;) Well depends on how I say it too of course. Another option is not to mention anything and talk to him in person. But I don’t want to pretend over the phone that everything is great if I don’t feel great.



  434.  #435Memulo on July 4, 2012 at 6:47 am

    Tam,

    Who’s business is it who you accept a date with? I feel kind of angry for you;) Why do they think they can even express your opinion? And how is it different then going on a date with someone you’re seeing for the first time? In both cases if you don’t like it you can excuse yourself and leave or just keep it short. What’s the big deal 😉



  435.  #436Esteemed on July 4, 2012 at 6:54 am

    Rebecca,

    429 – “I feel I am missing something here. What does this mean:
    R:  But you realize there can never be true harmony in our friendship until I feel the past is resolved…And honestly, I don’t feel it ever will.

    What needs to be “resolved”?”

    He insists that he never set me up for a fake proposal. Throughout our relationship, whenever he treats me badly, he requires me to agree that he didn’t do it. I am not willing to re-create facts. I want to go thru the events blow by blow. And typically if I bring any of it up, he denies every event that happens. It’s all very confusing and complex.

    I kept a detailed journal throughout our relationship, because it was important to me. His memory is iffy with his schizophrenia. So it feels like a losing battle to come to terms. I hope to locate those journals before I meet with him, and use them to jog my memory about fine details, and go thru event by event that led up to me feeling confident that he was about to propose any day. There is absolutely NO WAY I made that up in my head.



  436.  #437Esteemed on July 4, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Daria,

    408 – “its GREAT that he wants to talk — this is him leaning forward”

    I have been thinking about this all night! I feel so relieved that it is a positive sign! I am going to try to break it down with him and discuss it slowly.



  437.  #438Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 7:07 am

    If you feel invested with a man when you have sex, then you can’t have it until you’re married. Period.

    I encourage you to allow sex to be a part of your life experience and get there by not having sex with any man you’d CONSIDER for the long term – until you have SOME level of security – so you can relax.

    Love, Rori

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/dating-and-sex-what-do-they-have-to-do-with-each-other/#respond



  438.  #439Esteemed on July 4, 2012 at 7:09 am

    I don’t think R intended to give me a ring. At that time, I had NO CONCEPT of how to do the relationship dance. I kept initiating everything. It was a runaway train. I think he was grappling for how to impress on me that HE is the leader of the relationship, and that I was to follow in feminine energy. Daria was the main one who helped me to understand this in my relationship, and I feel very grateful.

    I have experimented very much around this concept. I have found when I let him initiate conversation and let him lead the subject matter, we rarely get in arguments. When I initiate, everything gets lopsided. At that time, I was pushing very hard into a romantic relationship. He kept trying to put on the brakes. But I think he saw too late that his method of doing it was totally misunderstood by me and very hurtful to me. I don’t think he intended to hurt me. I think he intended to show me that there would be no engagement unless HE said so.



  439.  #440Esteemed on July 4, 2012 at 7:17 am

    The fake proposal DID take place. But R’s intention was to teach me a lesson that he is the masculine leader in our relationship. I was over the top calling all the shots. I was initiating what to do, where to go, totally taking the masculine role in the relationship. If he had simply discussed it with me directly, all would have been fine.

    But he is polite and it is the kind of thing you just want a woman to know, without having to tell her. He has serious control issues to begin with, and he wants to be in charge of a relationship, as he should be. I will allow him to. It’s just that after so many years of living on my own, I’ve become so strong in masculine energy.

    Rori’s teaching has been exactly what I have needed. I STILL tend to take the lead…it has become second nature. But I am doing far better at learning how to be a feminine woman. That is what I am at heart, and that is what I want to be.



  440.  #441ulii on July 4, 2012 at 7:22 am

    @Memulo 409

    Great! Feels nice to hear you had a lot of fun dancing with people!!! I’d love it too. I think I will go out by myself tonight or maybe tomorrow to a dancing place. A way also to be out of skype and lean back — mostly from NZ cd, as he’s the only one I feel it’s hard to do from). It’s my 2nd day of Leaning Back/No initiating Challenge.

    And no, I don’t think you are naive of expecting that in 6 times you’d spend a lot of free time together. But does he know that is how your idea of a relationship is. And is it same to him? Has it been discussed? I guess the divorce, work, child are taking a lot of time & energy for him. But you can express your feeling about missing him and being happy with more contact. (I don’t know maybe you have arelady expressed that repeatedly?) Well, I hope the leaning back challenge will do good for many of us. 🙂



  441.  #442Rebecca on July 4, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Esteemed

    I didn’t realise you had been in a relationship with him. I thought you were just at the friends stage but that he wanted more.

    Maybe R feels it is in the past and therefore doesn’t want to discuss it. What do you think?



  442.  #443lilybelly on July 4, 2012 at 7:29 am

    439:
    Esteemed? Did he actually say the words..”will you marry me?” Anything less than that, to me, would not be a proposal. Be my wife, let’s get hitched and spend our lives together, etc…etc…etc… those are proposals.

    If he didn’t say those words or something close to it, directly to you..it is unlikely that you will ever come to agreement on this.

    I am looking at this from a logical pov as I have no emotional tie to it, (other than not wanting to see you hurt anymore) and also, from understanding his illness a bit.

    I would feel so happy to see the two of you get to a point of understanding and forgiveness, where the pain from three years ago no longer stood in the way of your friendship. But the key is forgiveness, in all it’s totality.



  443.  #444Esteemed on July 4, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Rebecca,

    He is the one who brought it up! If you read the texts I posted on this thread between R and me over the last couple of days, you will see that we were relating very beautifully when he brought it up and made a major issue of it again.

    We met in December 2007. We started dating Christmas Eve 2008. We saw each other almost every day for almost 10 months. The fake proposal was in July 2009.

    He completely pushed me away in November 2009, after we attempted to iron it out. We kept a loose association by text mostly from there. I saw him briefly last summer, 2011, then started seeing him regularly starting Christmas Eve 2011, which meant a lot to me on the anniversary of our first date!

    I pulled away from him around Valentine’s Day this year, because I kept feeling hurt over and over.

    More and more, I see that he is trying to impress on me that HE is the man in the relationship and HE initiates. I don’t like his way of going about it, but all his unusual behavior in the relationship makes at least some kind of sense when I see it in the light of him trying to show me that our relationship will move nowhere unless he moves it, not me.



  444.  #445ulii on July 4, 2012 at 7:36 am

    @ Jasmine

    I feel good you found a plan for the night! 🙂 I’d love to hear how it went.



  445.  #446Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 7:37 am

    When we lean back it cannot be because we want him to do something. As in not calling because we want him to call. That still embodies leaning forward energy and he will feel it even when we don’t call.



  446.  #447Tam on July 4, 2012 at 7:37 am

    443 – Esteemed, I am also suffering from this. Having lived alone for almost 7 years and I have been travelling the world, working abroad…and it is all masculine energy in my life, always has been.
    I tried to lead in my relationships also…

    I am having a hard time coming to terms with leaning back more in all my life, not rushing, no sense of urgency. Actually, it feels better to be like that and things start to fall into place. It has brought guys back to me, some of whom admittedly I did not want but goes to show that it works.

    The work is in keeping it up. I feel scared that my masculine energy wants out…and I am a very feminine woman and really need a masculine man. I feel scared because I realise some men are intimidated by me because I have done so much in my life….and they get nervous and so on. Even when I lean back. And I get nervous too meeting someone else…

    Anyhow, when you always had to look after yourself, it is hard to just relax, and let it drop and just let them take lead. But I am getting good at it. One guy contacted me and said he is coming to a town close to me and said I could be his tour guide…and would I know which hotel to book bla bla…normally I’d have loved to hear that, would have organised where to go and what to do…and now I just think: aw, no….I don’t want to organise for him. he is a man. he can do it himself….hehehe. I feel lazy, and it feels soooooo gooooooooood!!!!!!
    I feel like I might be converted into the super lean-back queen…



  447.  #448Tam on July 4, 2012 at 7:38 am

    438 – thanks Memulo…I feel better 🙂



  448.  #449Tam on July 4, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Esteemed, has R ever been dating anybody else during this whole period?
    I was just wondering.



  449.  #450Memulo on July 4, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Ulii,

    Yes, hope you have a good time dancing!

    I did not express how I see the relationship evolving. When I am with him everything feels so right. Maybe part of it is that we never discussed it as ‘our relationship’. We did not use these words. We do not use bfriend/gfriend words either. But I feel now that I need to tell him that I want a more consistent contact. Well, for now I returned his call, left a VM and not hearing back yet;)



  450.  #451Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Tam I feel worried about you thinking of yourself as suffering. We all have masculine and feminine energies. It is about becoming aware of what works in relationships, being aware of where we primarily come from as a default position and then chosing to change or default position if it is mostly masculine. Then trusting in the law of how things are and the Universe to delivering for us. Chose to believe and have faith in yourself that you can do this instead of thinking of yourself as suffering.



  451.  #452ulii on July 4, 2012 at 7:51 am

    @ Tam 450

    I totally relate. I have been in masculine energy all my life too. Travelling, working & living abroad for most of my adult life. And now…I am again at my parents house back in my home country. It’s a situation that has prolonged from few months to 10 months already, mostly because of economic reasons and also because my study and work options are all confusing and open (because I am really bad at deciding) right now and I’m not really knowing what I will be doing and where will I be living in 2 months time. I must start thinking about it seriously as my parents will move into a smaller flat from September, so i definitely won’t be able to be with them anymore.

    And I have had many-many foreign men contacting me on the dating sites for me to show them around and recommend them places to visit in my town and my country. Like once a day a t least I get this kind of requests… First I met with few, had one cd out from there, NiceGuy, who came back to me (but I’m not romantically interested in), and few other dates with men where I practiced some tools and had some fun dancing or talking to them in fm or having dinner with them. But at the end I got bored. So now I choose not to do free tour guide anymore.



  452.  #453Memulo on July 4, 2012 at 7:52 am

    #449 FW:

    The definition of leaning back is not initiating. It is a decision that we make for ourselves. Is it how you do it?



  453.  #454ulii on July 4, 2012 at 7:56 am

    @ 449 Femininewoman

    I try to lean back and while doing it not have any expectations. Or to fill my mind with other things to do. It is hard sometimes, not so others. It is easier if I remove myself physically from the possibilities of contact. Like…leaving the phone home while I’m out. Not signing on to pages where i could see my interesting guy at the moment online and not talking to me… etc. But, still.. I think better leaning back anyway, even if you can not always to control the expectations or thinking of him part. What do you think?



  454.  #455Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 7:59 am

    It is more than that Memulo. It depends on your agenda, where you generally come from in your life. I experiment with initiating with men that I have no investment in and have no agenda. When there is no agenda and no expectations I think of myself as a RockStar where I can do anything and say anything. Putting myself in lean back sometimes feel restrictive and dismissing my feelings so I have remained open to experimenting with different ways of being. I have men around me who I am not attracted to.



  455.  #456Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 8:06 am

    For me leaning back is pointless if I am still overanalyzing and wondering.



  456.  #457Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 8:06 am

    For me leaning back is pointless if I am still overanalyzing and wondering.



  457.  #458ulii on July 4, 2012 at 8:10 am

    @ Smile 343

    I took your advice. 🙂 Thanks! Removing myself from opportunities to contact him. And joined the leaning back mission. Day 2.

    For me though, it’s not that I can not control the initiating or making contact. I usually don’t do it. Although I am quite leaning forwardy with my family & friends and men I don’t feel attracted to.). It has always been so hard for me to call men or start the conversations…Specially to guys I like a lot. I guess partly because I’m naturally really shy with most of men. But I do get so bad feelings and low vibe if I see they are not contacting me (like in this online occasion). I feel rejected and not attractive and not interesting etc. And my self esteem drops down to the cellar so fast. So I remove myself from the situations this is probable to happen.



  458.  #459siren song on July 4, 2012 at 8:11 am

    FW and Tam,

    it’s funny, the use of the word ‘suffer’. i had a realisation the other day while i was walking down the street by myself that i will never allow my self to ‘suffer’ over a relationship…that i would feel whatever sadness and heartbreak might come up (the feelings of life), but that i would not use a man to beat myself up ever again.

    it felt good!



  459.  #460siren song on July 4, 2012 at 8:12 am

    my self.

    ha



  460.  #461Linda on July 4, 2012 at 8:13 am

    #449… The men I have encountered are really not that perceptive. Most of the stuff we run over in our minds…the energy we put into relationship stuff. They are oblivious too….. Not saying this as a put down of intelligence but honestly from my experience, They are thinking about whats on TV or something non-relationship related.

    Once I had this really great intimate experience with man I was in relationship with last. We were laying next to each other… he asked “what are you thinking”… I said” I feel so happy to be laying here next to you”…. I said, what about you? He said” I am thinking about jacuard bed sheets, sorry”!

    WOW… I was surprised and felt really unimportant.

    So…I am just sayin… I dont think they are picking up our leaning back but wanting them to call energy.

    Linda



  461.  #462blue rose on July 4, 2012 at 8:15 am

    having such a hard time not chasing boys in my mind. so hard.

    I met an amazing guy. amazing. he picked me up for both of our dates. he payed for everything. he walked or took a cab to get me home both times. he is just so awesome.

    our second and last date was a week ago today. he didn’t text or email to say he had a good time. he is having NC with me for the past week. i would honestly run off into the sun set with this man, he is so amazing.

    i haven’t texted/called/or emailed him. but i do find myself thinking i did something wrong or else he’d be chasing me. so sad!



  462.  #463siren song on July 4, 2012 at 8:16 am

    i miss seeing zara posting on here.



  463.  #464Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Ulii, do you find that the men you are not attracted to keep coming toward you no matter how you are?

    siren song I made that kind of commitment to myself related to my job because of a past experience. It feels really liberating to go back to that commitment no matter what is happening around me. I do the same with romantic relationships.



  464.  #465ulii on July 4, 2012 at 8:18 am

    For me the leaning back would help me to keep from over-analyzing and wondering too much. I mean, what would be the other option?



  465.  #466Memulo on July 4, 2012 at 8:19 am

    FW

    ‘I experiment with initiating with men that I have no investment in and have no agenda. ‘ That to me sounds like an agenda;)

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. Not sure if you were responding to my post or just sharing. I usually feel very comfortable leaning back. It’s no different with men I am not interested in.



  466.  #467Memulo on July 4, 2012 at 8:21 am

    #468 Ulii,

    Yes, me too.



  467.  #468Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Ulii if you are not invested in the man leaning back helps with literally forgetting about them.

    blue rose could it be that he is just being a normal guy? Not focussing on relationship? Or focussing on what he is involved with, in the moment?



  468.  #469Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Sounds like an agenda to you Memulo? Okay. But that is how I learn how men and relationships work. Also become aware of my comfort zone and how resistant I am to changing.,



  469.  #470Femininewoman on July 4, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I also remember Rori encourages us to experiment with switching back and forth with using the masculine and feminine hats to see what happens. “This is all practice”.



  470.  #471ulii on July 4, 2012 at 8:33 am

    RE: 467

    Yes, FW, in the matter of fact I do find that the men that I’m not attracted to are coming to me regardless of how I am. Although up to a certain point. I have been a drama queen and freaking out and making comments like “there will be nothing between us ever” etc..and even get nasty detailing them the reasons why I don’t find them attractive. That’s usually after feeling cornered about their behavior like we would be a couple, many questions (which I find controlling) and when I start to feel suffocated, said in heated emotional moments. Usually me regretting afterwards all that I have said. But it’s also after them blaming me of many things and me starting to defend myself. But it has got out of hands many times. So of course they get angry & block me or just remove themselves from me. I try not to do that anymore and be honest & use feeling messages. And then I feel I’m not being clear enough and leading them on. Because they still seem to stick around and being good to me. And I feel like in prison, like I can not go on dates with other men, or even chat with other men… I feel I have to explain it to them.



  471.  #472blue rose on July 4, 2012 at 8:36 am

    #471: Femininewoman

    thanks 🙂 it could be. guys still confuse the heck out of me. i guess I’m not supposed to be trying to figure him out. I need to keep being fabulous.



  472.  #473Tam on July 4, 2012 at 8:36 am

    464 – lol Linda, that is men in a nutshell….I think every single man I have asked ‘what are you thinking’ and he said ‘you honestly want to know?’ has answered me with:
    ‘the cat’s litter tray’
    ‘The kids school lunch menu’
    ‘the colour we should paint the living room’
    HONESTLY!!!! It is so funny…in some ways I like it how they are so ‘uncomplicated’ but in other ways it is soooooo unfair because we think about them!!! Well, not all the time but the blog alone shows this!!

    Their brains are just wired differently…..and if we don’t appreciate it, it will be difficult to be happy unless I start dating women, which I have no intention on doing. MrU once answered the what are you thinking question with ‘I want to remove your popcorn ceiling’ which I thought was fantastic…I just wish he HAD!! 😉



  473.  #474Tam on July 4, 2012 at 8:38 am

    462 – siren song, that is quite a realisation..wow…I like that