Circular Dating Success

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Okay, I’m officially blown away.  I can’t believe how brilliant you all are – how totally brave and amazing, and as i read your comments – you just have no idea how fast you’re moving- like lightening.  You’re blazing across the sky.  I can see from here – and I know it’s harder to see it when you’re in the middle of it.

I wanted to make sure everyone saw this comment from Daria, so I turned it to a post. Daria – you’re like a poster child for Circular Dating – this is what it’s all about – and what you’ve been able to do here is just phenomenal – I’ve pulled it apart and made comments so it’s almost a “How-To”:

“Ok So I just had a SUPER PRACTICE DATE! I was doing my “riffing” … and all of a sudden a guy I don’t know calls me to tell me that another guy who was trying to see me (that I don’t really feel attracted to) GAVE him my number…

1. One man actually BROUGHT a BETTER man TO her

… so I was going to the gym RIGHT THEN in his neighborhood so I told him I’d be done at the gym at 5 30 and he called me…

2.  This new man followed through and called at the time he said he would…

…so I went to meet him nearby… we drove around in his car (fun for me…yes some might think is weird) and hung out… and talked… and made out!

3. Driving around in a car is a perfectly fine and time-honored way to spend time with a man.

Ok here’s what I learned:

I kept looking him in the eye… and he was like Whoa… and then he tried to stare at me without breaking eye contact and I kept doing it (I was feeling very confident) while allowing my facial expression to change as my feelings were changing… we wound up looking away at the same time and he said NO GIRL does that or can do that and that is amazing (LOL he seemed like he was falling for me).

I got REALLY triggered and uncomfortable right before and during making out when the idea of sex came up in my head! I always do this! I get triggered by sex “stuff” I just realized that! And I wanted to ask him something about it or tell him something I wanted (and I felt I Couldn’t because I was so triggered it was like being silenced!!! ) So I kept trying to follow my feelings and finally did say it awkwardly and we wound up totally laughing because he said THATs what you wanted to ask… and proceeded to say back to me all the things I had said to beat around the bush (because I felt afraid to express it)… I felt embarrassed and so relieved.

I totally focused on myself and my feelings! A lot of times with guys I feel good and sexy and sometimes nervous and triggered or drifting off however I followed my feelings and stared at my own thigh, rubbed my fingers together a la modern Siren and let the silences BE… I could actually FEEL the lean back mode vs. the lean forward.. Oh and this DROVE HIM CRAZY I MEAN he got really into me (as do other men when I do the lean back). What was cool this time is that I could actually keep my thoughts focused on “What am I feeling?” “Tense in my thigh, tight in my head?” instead of “should I say it’s time to go” “what is he thinking” or anything else… YAY my focus on self muscle is building…

4.  She is “Riffing” – following her feelings, following the Rori Raye Mantra “Trust Your Boundaries, Follow Your Feelings, Choose Your Words, Be Surprised,” and by hanging in with this man, who seems to be ABLE to stay connected to her and really relate, is right there with her.  She’s learning about herself and DRAWING IN the man at the same time!

I totally got triggered and got told I HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM! ME! SILENT ME HAS AN ANGER PROBLEM! It turns out that I’m not so silent as I thought I was, I just don’t notice it about myself because I’m so used to it! I got triggered when we started talking about seeing each other and I told him I don’t want to drive to him and he said he doesn’t think that’s fair … and I said…… F it then, don’t come pick me up! … Now I thought this was totally valid and a normal casual thing for me to say!

I was DEFENDING myself ! NO NO NO! That is not the thing to say Daria! I feel So EXCITED I caught myself! Even though it seems like NO BIG DEAL to me… it is to a man! He thought I had an ANGER problem! YAY! This is great because I can totally notice it now and say… I feel angry! YAY!

When I feel ANGRY! BOY! I Feel like running out of there… making casual sarcastic comments that sound like anger problems… and often I feel SCARED! Yes I felt scared he was going to hit me (never gave an indication of even considering it, didn’t even raise his voice) I FEEL this a LOT with men! It’s like I start looking at their arm and flinching and feeling scared they will hit me! Well this time instead of just getting triggered and doing what I automatically do – I SAID: “I feel SCARED… sometimes with men when we are not on the same page I feel afraid of being hit or something!” WEll…. that felt so relieving to say… my fear instantly vanished! He made a crinkled brow face and said he would never do that…. I feel so glad to see this is a TRIGGER for me! YES!

5. Pretty powerful.  Daria is Riffing to HERSELF, and yet able to EXPRESS in words to this man what’s going on with her in a SIMPLE WAY.  Again, she’s LEARNING about herself and building a deepening connection with this man at the same time.

So In conclusion I realized I get triggered by being approached for physical intimacy, asking for physical or sexual things I want, disagreeing with a man. I want to “flow” these through and I believe I will have reached super sex-pot goddess status although even right now I feel very sexy goddessy and high status…”

6.  The whole experience, because she totally stuck with the 6E’s, was worth about 20 sessions of therapy – and it was FREE! She not only learned about things, she worked with them in the presence of this man, and ended up feeling FANTASTIC about herself!

I hope this gives you hope – and Daria – I want you to see how amazingly you’re doing – and let this carry you over the rough parts when they show up. Just know this was a transcendent, breakthrough experience for you- a totally new level of skills for you…and I’m glued to hearing about your next experiences.

Love, Rori

25 Comments

  1.  #1Dating on January 14, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    Interesting post! I think you have just hooked up for it. This the first experiences i am impressed to. Your great! Cheers.



  2.  #2gina on January 14, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    wow! awesome. Sounds hot and therapeutic and like the really good meaty stuff we all want. And I like how the whole experience is a result of Daria being authentic in the presence of a decent, open man who she is attracted to. It’s not that HE’S so special, it’s just that Daria expressed how special she is, and they both got to enjoy it. Go Daria!



  3.  #3Erika on January 15, 2009 at 9:07 am

    hey Rori,

    You know I love your model of Circular Dating. Here is a blog post on polyamory and a type of circular dating from a guy’s perspective: http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2009/01/johnny-sopornos-model-of-polyamory-and.html.

    – Erika



  4.  #4alias girl on January 15, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    i feel so much more freedom and less pressure with this idea of circular dating.i feel inspired by daria’s process and how open she is able to be to circular dating and being in her body in the moment and sharing her feelings. i feel awkward sharing my feelings with a guy sometimes. or putting my focus on myself in the presence of others. HAHAH! light bulb moment right there. i absolutely have a struggle with this. this is the very thing that went wrong with my unfundate with my unfriend.

    i want to start focussing on myself in the presence of others. ahhhhh this is why i am so drained being around people. i am so overfunctioning with my thoughts on them. and it’s not pleasurable for me nor can i imagine it is pleasurable for them. (unless other person is an unconscious narcissist just feeding of all energy avail)

    but where is the balance? how do i just BE with people? i honestly and truly don’t know how. i feel a wave of sadness coming over me. ah. it went away.

    how do i enjoy myself and enojy being with others at the same time? is it ok to focus on the sensations in my own body while in the company of another? is that selfish?

    i would feel interested to hear from others as this is huge dilemma for me and interferes with me living a full and satisfying life.

    i feel love . i feel resistance to feeling or rather admitting my feelings of love. ack.



  5.  #5Daria on January 15, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I feel a lot better after “allowing my back and forth” on the rage post. Also my flu seems to be feeling better. That is I seem to feel better.

    Hmmm….



  6.  #6Daria on January 15, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    I feel calm. I love that I feel calm. I feel relieved. I feel like I am baby stepping toward feeling interested in dating again. I feel cleansed. I feel renewed hope. I feel comfortable.



  7.  #7Reshi on January 15, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Daria, I felt like just scooping you up into a big flower hug when I saw your recent posts on the rage thread. And I also felt so envious–you have men calling and offering you dates and getting physical with you, and I have no one and only get touched in my dreams. Ugh. It feels so awful to be so unloved and untouchable. I feel angry and sad and hopeless. And cold and shivery and scared. I feel scared that I’ll NEVER be touched by a man in a way that feels good. And I want so badly to be touched but I’m even MORE afraid of never being touched. God. I feel like crying, right here at work. I have a cubicle next to a male coworker and I feel so uncomfortable being that close to him. I feel like I have no right to be near a man, like my presence is always an imposition, like they don’t want me near them and in fact don’t even want me to EXIST. I feel like men wish I would just die so their delicate eyes don’t have to be made sore by my ugliness. And I feel so angry about that, because I didn’t ask for this face or this body, and I feel that I deserve to be beautiful and I was cheated. And this really should go on the rage post. I am SO rageful. I want to go back to God and DEMAND that he make me beautiful. I feel like without being beautiful, I don’t have the right to enjoy my life. No one wants to have to look at my face so I should just stay at home to oblige them.

    Whoa! Where the heck did THAT come from?!

    I want to feel beautiful! I want to feel magnetic and attractive. That would feel a lot more relaxed and warm. And I don’t think I can get my body to feel relaxed and warm because it’s below zero outside and not much warmer in my office. But I love my tense back and shoulders and stomach for doing the best they can. I love my lungs and my warm breath and my cold feet and panicky heartbeat. OK. Putting my coat back on helps. Tea helps. And now all of a sudden dude wants to talk to me. Go fig…



  8.  #8Caj13 on January 15, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Goddesses make themselves beautiful; Goddess Reshi has already proclaimed her dazzling beauty to herself and her sisters; anyway, it’s there for all the world to see and admire. But it’s also okay for goddesses to have a bad mirror day. Moral of the story: If they accept it in that moment, with all its rageful distorsions and fearful deformations, they get sent a dude to set it right.



  9.  #9Daria on January 15, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Hehe Caj i like that “they get sent a dude to set it right.”

    Reshi thank you for your hug. I feel envious in a good way of your success at work. I just had a talk with my mom… well really she just barged in and lectured for a time until I asked her to talk about herself, then we actually shared…

    my client I manifested flaked on me… my bills are coming up in 2 weeks and I want to pay them… I wish there was something simple to do to just earn some money whenever I wanted… that would be nice… thank you universe… oh and I would want it to be fun too… and Good… thank you. that feels like smiling



  10.  #10alias girl on January 15, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    i feel lost and also a loss. i cut a man out of my life today. and i feel relieved but i feel all weird. i hate having him in my life and i hate not having him in my life. i want this to be it. at least for a long time. no, i think maybe forever. wow. that feels so big. but i told him and he was like eh, ok. and i felt immediate relief. then i felt pity for him. and then i felt indignance. i don’t want him in my life. i always thought it would be more diffficult and more complicated but he has made it really easy for me i think partly bc he doesn’t really take me seriously but i want nothing more to do with him. i want to jump on this easy out and make it stick. this is my chance. this is my chance.!! he always scared me a little and now i have an easy safe uncomplicated way out and i pary to god this stays this way. i don’t want him in my life. let me deal with the loss of this imaginary thing in my head but please please i pray for the strength not to take any of his calls. i pray for the strength to make room for REAL LOVE in my life. i pray this be easy and safe as it seems for me. i feel weird and conflicted and relieved. i feel grateful to have this place. this place where i feel like i have somewhere to turn in these high freak out moments that come with strong action and baby steps into unknown territory. i feel grateful i can become a godess and a godess would NEVER EVER put up with the crap he’s pulled.

    but now i just have one ex in my rotation. i feel grateful for all the new cutie pies i am meeting who totally want to take me out and i can practice focussing on my body sensations and feelings while in their presence. i feel really weird. and a little alone. and sad. the loss of an imaginary relationship is always very tragic bc it was so epic in my mind. i felt like he understood me and vice versa. well i still feel like that but he treats me like shit so kind of no thanks. who needs that kind of epic fantasy anyway? BLARGH!



  11.  #11Daria on January 15, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    I would like to say that I get a lot of dates from online using something I learned from Rori…

    when a guy writes me or “friends” me on a networking site…

    Hi… feeling message…

    I like your … hair, shirt, etc … or you look handsome/ stylish, are interesting… or something good about him

    I am intrigued

    I alwasy feel so amused how that gets an instant positive result… hehehe… and I use the same lines EVERYTIME.., I feel like quite the pickup artist…



  12.  #12Reshi on January 16, 2009 at 12:29 am

    Thanks Caj, it’s amazing. There I was, sitting at work being HELLA triggered, and when I asked myself what I wanted and how that would feel, and then made the necessary moves to take care of just making *the feelings in my body* be what I wanted them to be, everything shifted like magic. I ended up having a very nice conversation with my cute male coworker where I really opened up about who I am–I told him things I’ve never told ANYONE before. If that wasn’t a healing experience, I don’t know what is.



  13.  #13Daria on January 16, 2009 at 1:04 am

    Dear universe… thank you for sending me the opportunities to earn money whenever I wanted in a fun and Good way… that was really nice and I appreciate it… now I would also like it to be something I can impress my parents with… and that I will feel Good about doing and will be Easy for me to do… and will move me toward what I want to create for myself which is a wonderful life… Thank you universe again!



  14.  #14alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 3:47 am

    oooooh i feel super excited when i read reshi’s last comment. yesyes. i just need to DECIDE specfically WHAT I WANT right now. ok. i can change my mind if i don’t like it but if i keep waffling midway of i want this no i want that when it comes to money and career etc i’ll just keep on getting what i’ve got. blech. i mean thank you. (but blech) but thank you. i am grateful.

    decide specifically and make all those feelings happen in my body. why am i resistant to doing this. could it be i just want to stay stuck? that can’t possibly be . ick no. no. ok. i am going to DO THIS. starting now.

    aw. i feel grateful which for some reason then i feel angry. ok. that’s ok. i feel acceptance.



  15.  #15alias girl on January 16, 2009 at 3:52 am

    i am blown away how resilient i feel. earlier i was devasted i let go of my soul friend with whom i was having an epic saga with in my head for a year and a half. and now it’s like ok waht’s next. i mean there may be ripple effects and more sadness but it’s not this big long uninterrupted heavy vibe of devestation. i feel like a little kid who crys in agony bc he drops his ice cream and all good thing have ended for him in that moment and then a second later he has a new cone and is like oh ok cool.



  16.  #16Caj13 on January 16, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Perplexing, isn’t it? Anger is Who am I?/Who I Am. I feel the anger is just such awesome energy that it’s fueling All the Rest, even Alias Girl’s gratitude. And more gratitude then fuels even more energy of BEING and for doing. Way to go !!!……



  17.  #17Reshi on January 16, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Wow, I feel very triggered by Erika’s link. For me, I feel Circular Dating is a means to an end–to finding that ONE man to spend the rest of my life with. That is what I want. A man like Johnny Soporno is absolutely the epitome of what I Do Not Want in a relationship. More power to him for knowing and getting what HE wants, but I wouldn’t even date someone like that. That would feel awful to me, knowing I’m one of many in a constant revolving door of women, surrounding a much older man that I don’t even find attractive…I can’t even fathom why any woman would want to be in an arrangement like that.

    Because the only thing that really compels me toward a man is HIS love for me, his wanting to be with me and only me. That’s always been the case and that’s always been how I work. If that is not there, then sure, he can be my date for the evening, but it’d be impossible for me to take him seriously and I would NEVER, EVER want to have sex with him.

    Seeing players and PUAs blissfully manwhore around for decades, with no consequences, makes me feel like there are no *good* men out there and that makes me feel dejected and sad. It makes me feel judged for even WANTING what I want in a relationship. I want to believe that there are men in the world who want what I want. There don’t have to be a lot of them. In fact there only needs to be one.

    I want to feel like that One is out there somewhere, actively looking for and dreaming of someone like me to blissfully adventure with forever. And that would feel like dancing in front of my altar, sending out the beginning threads of spiritual energy to the Universe, and beginning to receive the first slender waves of energy that this unknown man has sent out to me. If pimps and players can have the love lives they want, there’s no reason that I can’t also.



  18.  #18heartbeat on January 16, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    I’m loving all these comments even though I don’t feel like responding at the moment. I feel ‘alongside’ you all. Thank you xx



  19.  #19bridget on April 13, 2009 at 2:53 am

    What’s the meaning of circular dating?



  20.  #20Rori Raye on April 13, 2009 at 11:34 am

    bridget, Welcome – and – what a BIG question! Start here with the “Baby Steps To Circular Dating” post – and the category “Targeting Mr. Right” – and you’ll find information – also, I’m sure everyone here will help you get a basic understanding.

    Essentially, it’s about using every single interaction with any man to develop your ability to receive love, to have confidence, to connect deeply and instantly with a man using Feeling Messages and basic Rori Raye Tools and Siren Tools – so that you’ll naturally attract your Mr. Right and then know what to DO with him once he shows up! Love, Rori



  21.  #21Robin on April 22, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Hi!
    I just had a great practice session!

    I’ve been feeling sick, so I had to go to the clinic at the county hospital. I was there for several hours, and while I was there everyone wanted to sit near me, kept telling me how pretty I looked, and MEN wanted to talk, so I got to PRACTICE A LOT.

    II feel really fantastic! I got to practice holding eye contact with men a lot, and then I got to practice leaning back, listening at level 2, and speaking my truth.
    I really feel like I connected with and healed a part of me that was feeling unloved, low-class, and damaged, which was something I’ve been examining a lot lately, and which goes way back into my childhood.

    I feel like I covered a lot of ground today.
    At the hospital, of all places,

    Rori, thank you for showing us that any interaction with a man, not just a ‘date’ is a chance for us to heal ourselves



  22.  #22heartbeat on April 22, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Wow that’s fabulous, Robin – I love it! I feel joyous 🙂



  23.  #23Bria on May 2, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    If women and girls are to live in this world with dignity and equality, their bodies and emotions must belong to them alone. This means do not give away your heart and emotions to just anyone. Keep an upper hand in a relationship by dating multiple guys. Dangle the promise of SEX, don’t get desperate, rock-solid belief in your own worthiness as a desirable woman. Go invest in some toy to full-fill your needs so you can feel good about yourself, stay in control and in charge. Don’t become a doormat, go out and have fun…..



  24.  #24Nia on March 9, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    I recently had a break up of a relationship of about 10 months. Before that I had maybe a five month relationship and before that one lasted a little over two years. This recent break sparked something introspective. I have had life long issues with self esteem for no obvious apparent physical reason. But some where deep are scars that caused me from attracting the right man or me and when I did I’d totally sabotage the relationship because I didn’t see my see worthy of love from others that I didn’t have for myself. This last break up was an eye opener to me need to change or live miserably from relationship to relationship for the rest of my life. Now that I’ve accepted that I see my self ith new eyes. I see my beautiful dark skin and my kinky hair that I love and my small waist and full hips as apart of me that I can look at in the mirror and not cringe at. I will no longer hid my body in a towel before or after being intimate with anyone again. Most woman say they’d kill for my body and I couldn’t appreciate it. It was like I was I was looking in a Carnival mirror.

    Anyway back to circular dating. This has also been an ego booster and a confidence builder. I actually look strange men the eyes and make small talk and they look at me in intriguing ways that im not used to. I haven’t gone out on any dates yet but for now this fun as I feel more confident taking baby steps with random people. Then the dating games will begin in search of my mr. Right. I know he is out there 🙂