Circular Dating When Your Man’s Got Job Problems

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targetingThe Question:

Have dated Brian for 14 months. He lost his job due to a take over (not his fault all upper management lost their jobs) and was unemployed for 5 months which caused havoc with his finances as he pays hefty child support. We survived this period and I did not lend him money, but helped him extensively (probably too much) to get another high paying job.

Unfortunately due to his type of position and high income needed the best job is in another state. We have continued long distance, speak several times a day and he either flies me to him or comes here every 2-3 weeks for4-5 days at a time.

He makes me very happy, is a great father to his 3 children and my kids love him. I would not move states unless marriage occurred as I would not move my children without that kind of commitment. He knows that. Two months ago, before reading your book, I made the mistake of asking him where he sees this going, he had only been in his current job 6 weeks.

First he said “leave it alone,” and I didn’t, and of course I didn’t like his answer. He said this is the best relationship he has ever had and has been the happiest personally he has ever been, but after his turbulent marriage (had to marry her, a trophy wife and a gold digger, who when they were going thru their divorce got pregnant again by a millionaire and is taking him to court for money now) – doesn’t want to upset a good thing.

He foresees us flying back and forth every week to ten days as his money situation strengthens. When he saw the disappointment on my face he said, without him being stable financially he cannot foresee anything now, and maybe marriage would be a possibility in a couple of years. He cannot think without his job situation being solid.

I was crushed. Then I came across your book and read it in one sitting, I did some soul searching and feel I love him and want to continue. Already I have started using some of your techiques and instead of us arguing or him not listening I can see how he is listening and reacting to what I say, due to me using my feelings as a focus. He also has thanked me for being so supportive and great about all these transitions

Do you think I am wasting my time waiting for somebody to become more financially stable, as this could be an excuse as he now has a job and I am a hard worker with my own money? I am thinking of giving myself a timeframe of spring next year, and if he hasn’t proposed I will walk. Do you think that is the wrong attitude to have? Please help. Love your letters, Marianne

My Answer

Dear Marianne. The thing, here, is NOT TO WAIT!

Live your life.

Flirt with other men.

You are not being unfaithful – you are keeping yourself and your energy alive!

You can even go on lunch or coffee dates to practice these Tools you’re learning.

In order to get the most out of my books, programs and Tools, you have to practice them.

Most you can do in your imagination, and with everyone everywhere you meet in your normal day to day – but it’s just no comparison to sitting across a coffee shop table from a man and practicing the Tools…

…getting more and more relaxed, giving up control more and more, getting in touch with your feelings and putting words to them with a man.

Start with men who don’t scare you, and work your way up slowly to handsome and sexy men – see how open you can keep your heart, how easily your energy can flow through your body.

This will help you build confidence and get more and more in touch with the core of you – instead of just your mind – and help in your relationship with this man.

Be absolutely patient – not with HIM, but with YOURSELF!

A man cannot function if he doesn’t think his work and money is where he wants it to be.

As time goes on – if you don’t feel right, if he gets that you’re Circular Dating and asks you about it – you may say that you don’t feel comfortable waiting for him this way and being exclusive seems unreasonable if you’re only going to see him every week to 10 days and are not engaged.

AND – he’s likely to assume you’re having sex with any man you “date” – which is not necessarily true. You’ll have to decide about this for yourself, because it’s important however you decide it: Either he’s your ONLY lover, the only man you have sex with – or he isn’t. So you don’t ever have to lie about anything with him.

And then be quiet and see what he does.

What you “say” to him – if it comes up – is the TRUTH!

That you need to stay confident and take care of yourself and have a social life, that he’s the only man you want – AND because you don’t want to pressure him, you’re doing what you can to stay happy, secure and “cool.”

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

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259 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on August 18, 2014 at 6:52 am

    Thanks for this Rori



  2.  #2Adriel on August 18, 2014 at 8:00 am

    I recently read a blog post by a young man who used to be a big proponent of “courtship” for young couples. (It’s highly advocated in Christian culture right now.) Years later this guy changed his mind – pointing out many of the problems Rori aims to help women avoid – and he had a talk with his grandmother, who was always wary of courtship, and asked her why dating worked for her generation. Her response was essentially Circular Dating: it serves to protect women’s hearts. It’s hard to tie your heart in knots over Bob on Tuesday night when you know you’re going out with Joe on Thursday. Brilliant, huh? 😉

    Wish I could remember where this was so I could link it.



  3.  #3Kim on August 18, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Azure Blu from the last thread, thank you so much!
    You continue to be such an inspiration to me, the way you are handling dating Spirit inspires me so much, to be more open and appreciative….

    I also love what you said to me, and I agree….about MoM..and WC (it reminds me of toulet unfortunately, WC LOL).

    Well, no, not so much a plan B and C, I have tried everything, but it all hangs on having the wrong visa for employment ourposes and there is just no getting around it. I did have a few little jobs all this time but nothing in the pipeline and I am running out of money and sanity.
    I wish there was a way…but it doesn’t look likely.
    Wildchild was the one who actually, had things worked out, have provided me with financial means and time to work stuff out and wait at least until my lawsuit was over.

    Now it looks like I can’t even wait that long…which sucks.

    Well, it will all work out in the end…

    Thanks for the support!



  4.  #4Kim on August 18, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Toilet, I meant…WC.
    Typos…



  5.  #5Azure Blu on August 18, 2014 at 8:53 am

    ((Kim))
    Ohhh gee my dear…
    I can’t believe how calm you are…

    Do you think your condo will be sold in time for you to leave?

    Can you leave and come back?

    I am glad you are on Siren Island
    and you feel somewhat of a support here.



  6.  #6Indigo on August 18, 2014 at 9:09 am

    (((Kim)))

    I can’t help feeling, maybe what you are going through is the Universe’s way of suggesting for you to slow down and just take care of everything beautifully for you. Really put your boy logic energy to work to figure out the best solutions for you. Could it be that all this stuff with men is a little overwhelming? Or at least, I’m thinking of how I would feel. I would feel that way. With things in other parts of your life feeling so uncertain, could it be that the uncertainty these men are manifesting is a little too much?
    I don’t want to project, but if it were me, I’d want to make sure that I was there for me, I would not even want to think about such huge life decisions such as marriage and moving in together and all of it.

    Hugs x



  7.  #7Azure Blu on August 18, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Kim,
    Thank you for the positive words about me and Spirit…

    Actually he cancelled our date on friday evening…
    He has his youngest daughter living with him now
    She has been recovering from a VERY tragic experience
    and he has been sooo supportive and a constant
    source of healing energy for her over the past year…

    She had called him and said she was experiencing Extreme anxiety and could he come home…
    So he was Brave, cancelled our date and went home to her…
    Of course I was very positive about him being with her (you are my hero) … and also expressed my disappointment
    In our month of dating he pretty much spends all weekend with her and his other daughters (2) and grandchildren (2) – which I am fine with so far…

    He golfed with her the next day (saturday) in a tournament and
    texted me pics and what was going on during the day… I like that…
    Nice, but I have yet to express to him
    how much I enjoy his texting
    but that I feel sooo good hearing his voice and talking with him on the phone.
    Not much talking on the phone yet… :-((

    I went to a party my gf invited me to on Sat. evening and had a really nice time being my Siren self…
    I like ME sooo much now!!!

    He continued to text at 9pm and I had had enough….
    I just ignored them as I didn’t know what to say and was at the party…
    Maybe I should have texted that I was at a party with my friend and I would love to talk on Sun. sometime…
    but I didn’t say that…

    I ignored his text… textd him in the morning (Sun.) responding to some of his comments…
    didn’t even say why I hadn’t responded…
    he responded right back… very short…
    and that was alll…

    I’m thinking the next time i get an opportunity I would like to be curious about what kind of rhythm he feels good with regarding staying in touch with me…?
    Sirens I would like to hear any input about this.
    Thanks



  8.  #8Kim on August 18, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Azure Blu…awww…I get it. On one hand he shows that he is a really good man looking after his daughter(s), so caring…on the other hand it would feel sad to me too to have dates cancelled.

    As far as communication is concerned, I guess everybody is different. Well, to me it would feel good to be in contact at least once a day, for example. Text or phone..email, to be it’s all good.

    I feel curious as to what feels good to you. And you could always tell him about that and ask him what he thinks?
    This is a good reminder for me too…accepting the other person’s preferences, but also making sure we get our needs met in the communication department 🙂



  9.  #9Kim on August 18, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Indigo, honestly, I have been on an insecure footing here for the last two years. I took a gamble, didn’t work out….
    I am very pragmatic.
    However, had I not dated and met men all throughout this, I would have missed out on so much good stuff, I likely would not be here now. 2 jobs came from ex dates, for example.
    I could of course lock myself into my room and like a mad professor trying to sort all my problems out, rush to leave and start somewhere new where I don’t know anyone tomorrow….but that wouldn’t be in my best interests either.

    I guess I like to stay open to everything, and that includes, or included up to now, dating and exploring my options with men too. I was not looking to be saved, at all, and in fact never was, but a guy trying to work out a solution and at the same time wanting to build a relationship with me would have been such a sweet thing, alas it was not to be.

    I think things have a habit of sorting themselves out one way or another….without me giving up one thing to focus on another…even my jobs turned up out of the blue and boy energy did not help me with that at all, believe it or not. More luck amd connections…which actually deep down sucks a bit.lol.



  10.  #10IamHis on August 18, 2014 at 9:25 am

    First of all, thanks to everyone for their sweet words to me on the last post. Your support feels so good!

    Secondly, @2 Adriel – I believe this is the link you’re looking for: http://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

    I feel driven today.

    I need to feel driven!

    How to Circular Date when YOU don’t have a job.



  11.  #11Kim on August 18, 2014 at 9:27 am

    One thing is for sure, wherever I was, even on the Moon: dating someone for a year without a commitment or marriage being on the table, or moving in together, isn’t acceptable to me anymore. So yeah, those huge things do need to be discussed early on…..pressure from other stuff or not.

    I have had mkre serial monogamous long term relationships than fingers on one hand and I am not having another one that lasts 3-5 years and then it fizzles out. I feel really fed up with that now, I want to build something with someone and if possible grow old with them…wherever it happens.
    I am not going to waste my years away anymore in half-asses relationships with commitment shy men….no way Jose lol



  12.  #12Azure Blu on August 18, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Kim… darling Kimm….
    YOU are MY hero!!! Such an adventuress…
    I wish I had more of YOUR gumption….

    Give YOURSELF lots and lots of positive, Loud clapping and singing and dancing around alll that you have done….

    I believe Rori has several posts around the very fact that We don’t have to be in the PERFECT place in our lives to continue dating… several of her coaches reafirmed this with me also…

    These posts inspired me to continue with my cding
    even though my finances have sucked badly for OVER a year!!!

    I agree with you… I still need lots of practice with FM and learning to be vulnerable and authentic with men… and learn MORE about ME…
    Sooo to continue dating when it feels good to do so,,,

    When things do feel overwhelming financially
    and I can’t seem to get out of my way..
    I DO take a break from cding if I’m not seeing anyone…



  13.  #13Kim on August 18, 2014 at 9:56 am

    Yes, Azure Blu, I totally agree….and thank you 🙂
    I chop and change as it suits me.
    I do still have a POF profile but don’t see much point getting to know a new guy when I might not be here next month. I might feel differently tomorrow…we can change our minds…we can do as we please.
    It’s great! 🙂



  14.  #14Adriel on August 18, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    That’s the one. Thanks, IamHis! (#10)



  15.  #15sequoia on August 18, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    A man cannot function if he doesn’t think his work and money is where he wants it to be.

    Mmmh I wish I would have read sthg. like this two weeks ago as G wasn’t happ with his worksituation and
    in retrospect I know that it would have been much better for me to simply step back without explaining, wanting to talk to him…mmh well…I did it so I can not change it. And I want to stop thinking about it and to trust that if he is for me he’ll come back for another round.

    Just reading the post triggered me a lot, I felt anxious.
    I would date myself more if I would be that women, be open to possible dates, but I definatly would not go online dating etc. esp. if she love the guy. He is in a very stressful situation right now and it just might be to much for him if the relationship with her brings on stress too. He might just have random sex with ramdon women to satisfy his needs and shut himself down.



  16.  #16prplpsn28 on August 18, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Hi. I appologize for alarming some of you on the last post. I was at an unbelievable low point leading up to the class reunion. I did end up going and I had a blast and had a lot of support from friends when H did show up. After feeling sick and breaking out in hives when he did show up I managed to calm down and thoroughly enjoy myself without any concern at all for his whereabouts. Later in the evening he did present a very sweet gesture to me in front of a group of people. They all said that he obviously cares and was reaching out to me. I thanked him for it and let him know how much i appreciated it. He also walked me out to my car at the end of the evening, gave me a very nice hug and told me how nice I looked. He later texted me to make sure I made it home safe. And that is all. I am now leaning back, giving him his time/space and trying to concentrate on me. He did volunteer info to a couple of mutual friends at the reunion that he did not break up. He just needs time. I don’t really get that but I guess it is what it is and in the meantime I move on. Even tho it’s hard.



  17.  #17prplpsn28 on August 18, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Btw…I am very thankful to everyone for your concern and support. It is greatly appreciated. 🙂



  18.  #18Mandy on August 18, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Wow, Sirens…

    I just had this feeling pop up and change my whole perspective this week…

    I have given up…

    Not even following rules or guidelines, just feeling…feeling and just figuratively being the scarecrow who finally realizes no birds are going to come to it, and lowering my arms in sadness and disappointment.

    I no longer want intimacy with someone who is afraid of it. I no longer want to pine for J. I no longer want to chase after him…and what I mean is that my masculine action-taking and doing has lost meaning and doesn’t function anymore, this week. I am sinking deeper and deeper into it…because of the very reason that this blog post has been written.

    I wrote him a great big love script. It said I get where he’s at, but I feel so awful that I refuse to kill myself over this any longer, and it’s his turn to do some work on this for a change, that I’m basically done trying. Of course I didn’t write it out that way, I avoided sounding contemptuous, and kept it all in feeling messages and made sure he knew I am understanding of his humanness, even though I feel so angry I want to blow a hole in the side of the earth…

    I said, no more attempts at sex with me if he doesn’t want to do it, because it just makes it worse, no more me attempting to get something from him he isn’t willing to give, because it makes my self-esteem plummet. Just no more me not living my life and not doing what I feel like at the expense of his personal issues. I was very clear on this and clear on the fact that I am not about burying my head in the sand or about over-functioning.

    What I believe I really want if he won’t step up is to either open the relationship, or straight-up put him in the friend zone. No, I truly, truly, truly, don’t want to, but I don’t see it going anywhere else if he isn’t willing to do some work and step up to the plate and take responsibilities for the things he can control and that I have no business trying to help or control.

    I have tried everything. It’s his turn. I’ve just had it. I’m done. I am a vulnerable, deep, feminine woman, and there’s just no reason other than fear from past pains that someone wouldn’t want to be with me.

    Ugh. This does suck big time. I guess this is growing up…for a person with Peter Pan syndrome…(me) but it feels a hell of a lot better than being a dog panting for a table scrap or like a drug addict fiending for a fix and totally depending on someone else to give it to them…Poor is the man who’s happiness depends on the permission of another.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on August 18, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    (((purple…))))
    Ohhh… I feel giddy and happy hearing how well you sound!!!

    You did rock your reunion and your interaction with H!!

    You sound much calmer and ready to continue with your leaning back…
    YOU are a Rock star Siren!!!



  20.  #20prplpsn28 on August 18, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Aaw…thank you Azure Blu. I still have my weepy moments but I’m trying.



  21.  #21IamHis on August 18, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    I feel embarrassed and somewhat scared as I feel someone out there in the blogosphere is going to jump down my throat and judge me.

    Anyone who has been following my story knows I took some time off. Relaxed. Traveled. Read a ton of books.

    SMC, as I used to call him, his wife is pregnant.

    I have felt his energy coming towards me while I’ve had this time off.

    I’ve caught him staring at me, intently, several times lately, and each time time, I don’t know what to do.

    I feel so angry when he does it.

    Recently, he was watching me as I reconnected with an old guy friend. I felt SMC watching me already, and then my guy friend, we’ll call him “Bob,” said my name loudly and excitedly to get my attention while I was speaking with someone else. I finished my conversation with someone else and then opened up my body language and Bob embraced me and held me for a long time, which felt really good.

    Bob then sat by me and whispered a few things in my ear, which made me giggle. I feel extremely comfortable with him, but he hasn’t asked me out, and I don’t think he will, simply because he’s much younger.

    SMC was watching the whole time. It didn’t feel good. It felt like he wanted me to look at him, but I didn’t want to look at him, and so I didn’t.

    It makes me feel so angry I want to throw things, and I know I’m not imagining it, so please don’t anyone make that assumption.

    I’m reading Katie and Gay Hendricks ebook, and that’s what’s reminding me of a lot of this stuff. It is tough to read.

    I feel frustrated. I want to leave. Maybe I will.



  22.  #22IamHis on August 18, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Azure Blu – I just wanted to say that your constant positive energy feels so good on here! I want to be more like you!

    The Fault in Our Stars has this quote: “Pain demands to be felt.”

    Do you have to feel your way through all the icky stuff before more good stuff can come in?

    I choose to have faith!



  23.  #23Azure Blu on August 18, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    IamHis…
    How very soft and warm of you to say this!!
    I feel soo good hearing your comment…
    thank you…



  24.  #24prplpsn28 on August 18, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Now I’m really hurt and tears are flowing. Just saw all of the reunion pics someone posted on fb. Several of H. He was getn kinda scraggly with his hair and beard and now his hair is cut short, beard is trimmed how it was when we first started dating, new clothes and all smiley. I just know he’s out looking for someone else while keeping me on a string by saying he didn’t break up. 🙁



  25.  #25Labbit on August 18, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    Adriel 2 — that is fascinating! And oh so true, my grandmother and one of my aunts told me similar things when I was a teenager. Even though I still have trouble at times feeling comfortable with circular dating, I do see how critical it is to maintaining my sanity. It feels good staying sane!

    Kim — your outlook and positive vibes are inspirational! I feel openness is a key to attracting everything we want in life. You’re way ahead of the game. Who knows what good is in store for you?

    Azure Blu 7 — I wouldn’t read too much into his short responses. It might feel to you like he was short…yet maybe to him it was normal. You were out the night before having fun which you have every right to do! I think that perhaps your current thoughts around exclusivity are tinting things for you a bit. If you’d feel more comfortable saying something in the future how about something like “It feels so good to hear from you! I’m out for the evening and it would feel yummy to catch up later this weekend…” or something along those lines.

    You are doing wonderful in staying open and curious. I would say don’t try to make any decisions about how you’ll act in the future yet. Just see how things unfold, and maybe for good measure make some daydreams about how YOU’D like him to treat you or respond to you or whatever and then watch the magic happen.

    🙂

    IamHis 10 — Ah, thank you for this link!

    prplpsn28 — I am relieved that you’re OK! It sounds like you did wonderfully at the reunion. In response to your comment 23, I feel curious about why you’re assigning so much meaning to H’s appearance. Maybe he cleaned up for the reunion? Who knows? By making this about him seeking other dates you’re only punishing yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Right now that’s truly the key for you. As much as you can, don’t think about him. When feelings come let yourself feel them as you have been so wonderfully sweet Siren. Don’t fall into beating yourself up.



  26.  #26Liquid Light on August 18, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    I had to get in total boy energy today and drive a design meeting we had with the team. I felt like I had to be a total bi**ch with the team and keep them on track and focused until we all arrived at a bunch of decisions. And it all had to happen in an hour. There was so much ground to cover that I had to manage everything down to the minute to keep us on track. Ughh. We covered a lot of ground and basically came to a consensus on the design which was my goal but I had to be a total pain the *** to do it. I feel like I’ve been raising concerns about this project all along, that we haven’t been focused, that we are spinning our wheels, that we are in danger of missing our deadlines and exceeding the budget. But its all fallen on deaf ears.

    And then today I got a call from the big guy within my group and he was alarmed about the project. And basically asked me who would take charge with driving the design forward. He seemed skeptical that I could do that since I’m so new. But then I knew that I’m the only one who knows the design at a detailed level and I’m the only one who seems concerned about it. Even though the project had previously been escalated to the highest level within my group. I have no idea why everyone has been so nonchalant about it but it basically come back and bit me in the rear today. So I realized that I can’t sit back and even if I step on toes (which I probably did a lot of today), I need to do it since no one else was stepping up. GRRRR. It just pisses me off because I’ve raised these concerns over and over again with people that have worked at the company much longer than I and no one seemed concerned.

    I really can’t help thinking that all these people with these attitudes are men. And they basically have been making my job much harder and then when the pedal hits the medal, they seem dumb-founded. GRRRR!!! Its so annoying that I had to be so aggressive today to get the ball moving forward on this project and risk alienating people on the team. I’m just feeling really resentful and angry at these men for putting me in this position. I really feel like if it were women, this wouldn’t have happened. They would have been more sympathetic and been able to see the bigger picture much earlier on and wouldn’t have let the project reach such a critical state.



  27.  #27Labbit on August 18, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    I had a wonderful weekend! A girl friend of mine owns a house upstate and invited me and one other female friend to spend the weekend. It was just what I needed to put my focus back on me, taking care of myself and just feeling good! There were many opportunities to be fussed over…to lean back…to circular date. On Saturday we went tubing down a river and one of the men in charge of the tubes was very flirty. It felt so fun to open myself up, just be and enjoy his attention. My girl friends and I ended up having drinks with him and two of his male friends on Saturday night and then the gentlemen took us dancing.

    I didn’t think about TenderCD very much though on Sunday morning I woke up and had about 20 minutes of anxiety before I settled down. I felt anxious about old traumas, nothing to do with the now, yet they felt very real to me. Rejection and abandonment fears mostly. I sank into it for a short time and didn’t resist it. Then it seemed to fade on its own.

    I decided to set up two circular dates this week. Very casual meet ups with two men who’d emailed me a few times on an online dating site. To keep my sanity, to practice feeling messages, to keep my focus on me. TenderCD was all over me this morning — set up two dates this week, and sent me flowers at my office! I felt pleased beyond words. When he called this morning (a nice surprise!) he shared that it would have felt great to him if I’d texted over the weekend and that he understood that I’m not yet comfortable initiating with him. I told him all about my weekend, including the tubing gentlemen that took me and my friends out. He made a cute comment along the lines of “I’d better claim you before someone else does, huh?” It was an intimate, connection-building conversation.

    I feel more secure, slowly. I feel trust starting to build, in myself and in the universe. I feel an opening in my heart to let everyone see more of who I am. The fear is subsiding and so is the anxiety. I’m starting to see the power of choosing positive thinking, in loving myself and feeling safe from the inside out. It feels like a layer of me healed over the weekend, and I am filled with gratitude!



  28.  #28Labbit on August 18, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    I hope that I get a break before whatever my next trigger I need to face shows up. 🙂 This last one — around old fears and anxieties of rejection and abandonment — has really thrown me for a loop! I felt at times like I might have a heart attack. It is amazing to me how strong those gremlins can take hold. I found so many times where TenderCD or another man would do or say something innocent, yet my mind tried to twist it into something evil or an attack to me. It took pretty much every last grain of willpower in me not to freak out or give in to the insecurities. I’m very glad that I seem to be on the other side of it now. Whew!



  29.  #29Labbit on August 18, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Re-post from other thread:

    One more thing — I don’t know if anyone else subscribes to the Notes from the Universe emails that Rori sometimes mentions here. Today the one I received was awe-inspiring.

    Basically it said that when you worry, your mind comes up with 100 reasons why something can’t happen, and then those thoughts try to manifest, blocking your good.

    So the email proposed making a list of 100 reasons why something you want will come quickly, easily, harmoniously. It should help that good manifest. I of course chose relationship. I was surprised by 1 – how HARD it was to list 100 good things (though my mind can come up with 100 bad things so quickly!) and 2 – how hard it was at first to believe the list of 100 good things I was writing at first.

    I’m only on 87 as of right now. The list however has been mind-blowing for me today. It’s helped me notice every time my mind runs to a negative thought, and then I counter-act it by reading the list. It feels so helpful and I’d recommend anyone here try the same if you’re feeling down, or even if you’re feeling up!



  30.  #30Veronica on August 18, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    From the previous thread:

    Azure Blu – 544 – I didn’t know you felt that way when you dance with him – it sounds sooo good. (floating around the floor, happy and sunshiny bright)

    I find it so interesting that dancing is so full of learning – I know for me when I dance with FunnyCD that I’m aware of how much I let go/don’t let go – it’s as though dancing offers very good feedback to me about where I am in terms of letting go, how my body tunes into his.

    Azure Blu – 545 – : )
    I responded to OwlCD by saying that I empathized with how he felt and that I understand and support his need to take himself out of this dynamic, that when he felt safe to do so, his return would be welcomed. I shared with him that my breakup had affected me deeply, brought up a lot of questioning around my own beliefs about relationships and that romantic attraction was not something I had felt for a long time.

    But I have concerns, I feel worried:
    His reply to my response: he thought I was talking about our relationship – there was no our relationship, even the timelines that I reference in my response make no sense if we even had a relationship. How could there even be a relationship if he already stated that there were significant obstacles that would prevent our being in a relationship? (This leads me to believe that he’s in imaginary land?).

    Dating does not equal relationship, there was no talk about relationship, I never said anything about ‘I want to be with you, I love you’, no hand holding, no kissing, no hugging, no phone calls, no dancing, no talks about our future, no mention of what we as a couple could do in the future, my profile distinctly states ‘looking for friendship or long term dating’. I would not be affected deeply by dating.

    But also, after saying that he needed to have minimal contact, his reply to my response indicates to me that nothing has changed, that he still wants to continue communicating: he stated that he had severed all false hope (overnight?), and that he feels good now and at peace; yet this doesn’t make sense in his assuming that we had a relationship. I don’t trust his words now – there’s something else going on. It seems like a stunt to get me into contact with him – I feel irritated by this because I have a LOT going on.

    I feel irritated, angry, concerned, trapped as though I’m being tethered to a set of assumptions that I did not induce and that have very little to do with me, I detest the ‘I spent time with you so I guess we have a relationship’ kind of thinking. Um no way!! And also the underlying ramification that it is my job to manage the thoughts and choices of others even though I don’t even know what they are. NO to both! I am my own person, I will not be tethered to anyone. I’m aware that I’m ranting here. I just don’t see how someone could think we were in a relationship.



  31.  #31Veronica on August 18, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Indigo – 548 – Aw thank you! I am so touched by your warmth – had a moment with it, *giddy yes* xx



  32.  #32Millie on August 18, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    Does anyone ever feel super triggered by how they get treated at work sometimes?! I get really angry when I feel accused of being stupid or making a poorly though out decision, when it was nothing but thought out! I feel angry when I’m not heard, when I feel forced to stand there and “take it.” I think there are constructive ways to talk to people that better your business…and there are ways that really make your employees feel bad about themselves, and how does that help the company? I don’t feel motivated after getting berated. I want to leave. On the other hand, I feel like I’m too emotional at work. I take things personally. People always say “it’s never personal” but how else is a person suppose to take a criticism? If it is about me and directed to me, how else should I take it? Of course I want to use that criticism to better myself, but I care about my job and what I do. I don’t want to build this wall that separates my what I do from the reaction that occurs, if it’s negative. However, I know I can’t own other people’s reactions, so maybe it is unhealthy for me to feel so strongly about them. I feel angry right now, I know I need to let it go, pass through me, and use everything thats happened to better myself in a constructive way, but I really want to scream at a certain person right now. grr



  33.  #33Millie on August 18, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    I don’t want to feel disconnected from my job. I don’t want to feel disconnected from my coworkers. I want to have a good relationship with my bosses. But right now, all I feel is disconnect.



  34.  #34prplpsn28 on August 18, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    H texted me tonight and asked if I had some free time to talk tomorrow. I’m terrified. He told some people at the reunion that he did not, break up yet he told others that he is now single. I have no idea what he’s gonna say. His actions at the reunion and his gesture to me did not show it but I’m terrified of him saying we are over.



  35.  #35Sophie on August 19, 2014 at 1:18 am

    Veronica ugh – I don’t like it when others try to position me either. I would also feel angry – want to push them away from their attempts to ‘trap’ or manipulate me. I feel impressed at your strong boundaries though. YOU know right where you are and you sound strong.

    Millie – yes I struggle at work too. It feels more and more difficult to find bosses who are respectful and appreciative. I feel the level of demand and expectation has become quite extreme and there’s a kind of you should appreciate that you have a job at all kind of attitude. However, I’m also aware that on my part that last sentence is a whole long negative affirmation and I need to do some work on attracting what I want for myself and believing that I deserve it. I also find the dynamic at work difficult re. being emotional. On the one hand we are encouraged to be ourselves, on the other (at work) we are often encouraged to be less of others. I guess it is about trying to find a way of honouring our emotions where they can be heard in a powerful way (the same as with men)

    (((purple))) I feel worried for you with H as as you say you have been feeling low and you feel afraid. Do you have support around you? Can you find a place in you anywhere that KNOWS that whatever happens you WIll be okay? I would love for you to find this place, a place that can look beyond him and what he may or may not do and know that you WILL be okay and that you are a wonderful, beautiful woman and whether it’s H or not there will be men tripping over their feet to be with you

    Veronica – I managed to get some downtime thank you and Indigo I did cry (what was the word you used? 🙂 it was great)



  36.  #36Sophie on August 19, 2014 at 1:20 am

    of ourselves it should say above



  37.  #37Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 1:36 am

    Azure Blu 7,

    Re: your texting matter with SpiritCD.

    I would have done the same as you. BM is a big texter, BIG. On the one hand it makes me feel very special because he is so sweet and attentive in his texts, and they make me giggle. On the other hand the conversation can go on and on, and that simply doesn’t feel good to me. I have shared with him that I like phone calls, and so now he calls me as well. At a certain point if I feel tired of the texts and the conversation doesn’t come to a natural conclusion, I just stop responding. He has never yet got sulky about this, and I believe it’s because he knows how I feel about texting, which I have made quite clear.

    You don’t know why SpiritCD was short with you… it most likely had nothing to do with you. In my experience, most men are not so sensitive as to get offended by something like this.

    Yet, if phone calls feel good to you, I would encourage you to tell him 🙂



  38.  #38Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Labbit 24,

    LOVE your responses to Purple and Azure Blu.



  39.  #39Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 1:46 am

    Labbit 27,

    You are doing so awesomely!

    I know what you mean about the triggers and the gremlins taking hold so strongly… do you have Dominique’s e-book?

    There are some excellent visualisations for that in there. I often read them if I’m particularly battling – it helps immensely.



  40.  #40Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 1:53 am

    Sophie,

    I used the word “drizz” as in “drizzle”. I like that word… it makes crying feel ok for me! I’m glad you had one x



  41.  #41Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 1:55 am

    Veronica,

    You are absolutely not responsible for other people’s thought processes and feelings and imaginings!

    Do you have any energy shielding techniques? I find them very helpful as a sensitive person. Sometimes you may know intellectually that what is going on with another person is not about you but you still feel it… energy shielding techniques (simple ones) can help.



  42.  #42Krissy on August 19, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Hi Rori,

    Apologies for writing to this blog, the contact form doesn’t seem to work and I don’t know how to contact you otherwise. I’ve just purchased the complete collection of your programes and have listened to most of them. Due to an unexpected change in my ‘imaginary’ relationship I feel vulnerable and confused at the moment and though I’m doing my best to learn from the experience and your program, I would really appreciate an opportunity to talk with you and I’m wondering if you offer private consultations via phone? I would very much appreciate your response. Thank you, Krissy



  43.  #43Labbit on August 19, 2014 at 5:34 am

    Millie 31 – I have felt this way at one time or another, I’m sure almost everyone has. Although it seems personal try to remember that feedback really isn’t personal at all. The business comes first no matter what bosses say. I’ve learned it is up to me how I hear the message. I can injure myself with feedback which only gets me upset and affects my relationship with my boss negatively, or I can truly embrace the underlying message and respond to it, which makes my boss feel heard and improves our relationship.

    You aren’t powerless here either. In your next review you can state clearly what kind of feedback helps you reach your best performance, and what kind of feedback stifles your creativity and best performance. Performing excellently is your best guarantee to get whatever you want at work. If you can, love yourself through this and don’t let harsh words get you down. It really isn’t about you anyway. It’s just about the business.



  44.  #44Labbit on August 19, 2014 at 5:38 am

    prplpsn28 33 – Be kind to yourself. Love yourself no matter what happens. Worrying about what may come only serves to injure you. Treat yourself extra well right now, support and love the inner child that is filled with fear right now. You will be happy again.

    Indigo 38 – Aww, thank you! It feels so good to hear that. 🙂 Yes I do own Dominque’s e-book and you’re so right, it has lots of great visualization tools I can use at the moment. Rori’s too. Actually I’ve made it through most of the blog archives here now and am currently making my way through Dominique’s. So much treasure to be found. It’s so cool to learn that I am not alone in many of my fears and roadblocks! Learning that I am normal supports me in loving myself, which somehow makes healing easier if that makes any sense.



  45.  #45Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Veronica #29…
    When dancing with Spirit I too have learned so much about me…
    He is VERY in tune with MY body… the 2nd or 3rd time we danced he said “Azure just relax, you get way ahead of yourself… you follow me for a little while and then you are afraid of messing up so you break away and do your own thing…”
    i realized, the last time we danced, how strong my core muscles need to be to separate my movements from the waist down…
    Ahhh… it is sooo yummy to dance with him…

    I am confused about what you have said regarding Owlcd..
    Was he confusing you?
    I love that you got angry…
    It feels like you are overwhelmed with him acting like
    he wants more conversation back and forth
    because HE feels YOU slipping away!!
    He misses YOU and can’t seem to say it…

    Are you in an exclusive relationship with Funny?



  46.  #46Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 6:07 am

    Labbit,

    Thank you for your words to Millie in 41. They are very helpful for me too.



  47.  #47Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Indigo#36
    thank you soo much for your attentive response!!
    huggggssss!!

    You are sooo right… Like BM… Spirits texts make me feel like i’m there with him while he’s golfing…
    he is sooo in tune with keeping me close during his day – especially on the golf course…
    He’ll take pictures of the signs, birds and plants that he sees… and him and his daughter as they play…
    but yes… I get worn out after awhile…
    I think you are right…
    I want to express how good it feels to get a phone call too!!!



  48.  #48Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 6:12 am

    I think part of the annoyance of getting his texts is…
    I am jealous that he is there having fun
    and I’m not there with him…

    He has actually said to ME… when I was telling him about hanging out with my sister
    “i’m jealous”
    Me: why?
    Him: because I’m not there with you…
    I felt all melty… I got quiet cause it took my breath away…



  49.  #49Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Labbitt, #41…
    I too LOVE what you have said about
    interacting at your job…
    Sooo important to listen carefully
    so your Boss feels heard…
    It is VERY frustrating for a boss
    to continue to feel like they are NOT being
    heard…
    It would be in YOUR best interest…
    Strong on the inside… Soft on the outside.. SISO
    even at work… :->



  50.  #50Indigo on August 19, 2014 at 6:19 am

    YES Azure Blu!

    I felt the same way… like, why was all this effort going into texting when it could have gone to attention towards me in person? That’s when I knew I needed to scale down the texting.

    In fact, BM has just texted me today to ask me out for tomorrow night and I gently suggested how much I liked phone calls, so he asked for a good time to phone 🙂

    I instinctively just feel this is so much better. Texts are so lovely for making you feel thought of, but they are no substitute to personal contact, is how I feel.

    *hugs* back!



  51.  #51Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Labbitt #27…
    How amazing you are Siren…
    oxoxo

    I remember a year ago going thru this same thing…
    Whirling and morphing out of the old me…
    It was like shedding my skin… like a snake…
    SooOOO physically painful and emotionally also..

    Before RR I remember getting explosive when
    BK would be a little withdrawn after being apart for a few days…
    I would say thing things like… “You didn’t even say you missed me…
    “You acted like you didn’t even care if I was there”

    and in all actuality he had invited me over for and cooked a fabulous dinner…
    bought me a bottle of my favorite wine
    had flowers for me… sang me a love song as we danced around the room…
    but I was sooo weak and insecure on the inside
    I can see why he withdrew after that episode…
    I must have seemed sooo needy…
    wow… I just now remembered that…

    So now when Spirit comes to pick me up
    and we havent seen each other in a few days…
    I notice he is a little withdrawn…
    But I DON”T TAKE IT PERSONALLY…
    I let him take his time to adjust…
    I dont try to CONTROL him…
    Ahhh… the Magic of Rori’s tools….
    and he has a chance to be masculine…
    to fill up my living room with his masculine energy
    and I can be my soft feminine self…
    lovely, lovely dance



  52.  #52Sequoia on August 19, 2014 at 9:06 am

    oh i had such a hard time today with my gremlins. I felt this huge desire to reach out to g again visiting him at his shop and was torn by my inner voices one telling me that it is important to show him that i care about him. I had to sit down and write it all out all my leanig forward i did already and all his non responsiveness and after writing it all out it felt sooo clear that it would be aweful to reach out to him again. it would not bring him closer but he probably would loose respect and i would humiliate myself. the writing thing helped me a lot.



  53.  #53Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Wow Sequoita…
    I love this solution to leaning forward…
    I want to remember this…
    To stop…
    sit down and write out the times I leaned forward and what were the outcomes and when did he lean forward…
    Most Excellent, Siren!!!



  54.  #54Labbit on August 19, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Azure Blu 43 – I love this metaphor! I have felt this way often with my CDs too…catching myself trying to lead or make a decision, not even consciously. It’s because I’m so used to running my own life! I have to step back and let the man lead, it feels much better when I do. For instance I love it when a man puts his hand on my back and steers me along as we walk. It feels very intimate. Yet I’ve caught myself many times moving away from his hand, or at a fork on let’s say a park path moving the way which I wish to go, even if his hand is guiding me down the other path! LOL. With time I’m getting better at simply melting into his hand and feeling the way he wishes me to move. It is so hot.

    Indigo 44 – 🙂

    Azure Blu 46 – WOW! I love that SpiritCD shared that he felt jealous, that feels attractive and I’m melting right along with you at that. & 47 – YES. I was a VP at my last job and I LOVED mentoring my employees. I do remember one employee in particular though that I had a hard time with, she questioned every decision I made and we often wasted up to 30 minutes while she questioned and argued everything. She didn’t understand that my decisions were often based on info she wasn’t privy to — company financials, projections, CEO mandates, etc. It became such a time suck for me that I grew to resent her, and eventually she resigned which was probably for the best. There were days where I felt frustrated or lazy or incompetent myself and I’m sure I wasn’t the greatest leader on those days, though I tried. I tried my best. One of my former employees is now a high-level VP at Microsoft which is one of my proudest accomplishments, to foster her growth to such amazing levels! Although our bosses’ decisions may frustrate us or seem to not be the best choice I have learned the importance of giving myself over to their vision and putting myself wholeheartedly into whatever they ask me to do. It is no coincidence that I enjoy work so much more now!



  55.  #55Labbit on August 19, 2014 at 9:45 am

    marikab 49 – your date with T sounds soooooo lovely. It sounds like you are doing amazing, being so magnetic in just being. For this weekend, I would not let him know you’re free. Yes, yes, let him ask you out if he so chooses. In fact I might even make my own plans, letting whoever I planned with know that if T did set up a date that I hope my friend would understand me choosing to hang out with him instead. (Most friends will!) You have so much time and though I know it would feel amazing to see him, continuing to fill your life up with stuff that makes you happy will make you all the more alluring. Try to let go of any sense of urgency that comes up as you feel those feelings. And if he doesn’t ask you don’t hold it against him, don’t take it to mean he doesn’t want to see you. Remember that all is well!

    (Funny how I could have told myself this same thing a couple of weeks ago!)

    Azure 50 – YES. It is like shedding a skin from the inside out, and it does hurt a little. Mostly because those old behaviors seem so natural to me that it does feel like jumping off a cliff when I try a new way. The fear of jumping, of not landing on the ground but continuing to fall forever…it all seems so real. Until the new way works and then it’s like I jumped and landed immediately in a soft meadow! And then I can only laugh at myself — how hard I thought it would be!! Here I am safe and feeling great, him feeling great too, if only I’d known and believed everyone who said it could be done!!



  56.  #56Dominique on August 19, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Labbit – 26 – <3 Love this. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  57.  #57Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Labbitt #53….
    Thank you for these insights
    and you have been a boss and have bosses…

    Wow… you should be proud of your ex employee who is now VP at Microsoft!!! Great job…

    it does get to be such a time suck to have to explain every move you make to someone…
    sometimes I will mention to my clients
    “I am going to mention something that might work better but I totally understand if it doesn’t appeal to you..,”
    They DID hire me for my expertise…
    but have gotten pretty good at not taking things personally if they change their minds or don’t like my solutions…



  58.  #58Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 10:33 am

    I feel happy and smiley!!!
    Spirit textd me last night and asked to come over with Chinese food and watch our cities baseball game on TV…
    “at the Azure Tavern” as he likes to call it…
    A DAY AHEAD!!! :-))
    and then He called and we discussed the arrangements…

    When we first started dating he would ask me out the day of… or text me where he was and for me to meet him…
    he started getting really sloppy…
    I didn’t say anything… just letting things flow… (its only been 1 month)
    But I am a busy woman and usually had plans or was in the middle of something and couldn’t go…
    So last week and this week he has asked me ahead of time to make sure He can see ME!!!
    WOW!! organically moving in a good direction…
    LOVE, LOVE this!!!



  59.  #59Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Labbitt #53…
    It does take such inner courage and strength to let go of control
    and allow the man to lead!!!

    I LOVE how Spirit responds to all of this…
    Sooo very powerful and magical
    He is seeming to be more and more
    a very masculine man!!!



  60.  #60Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Labbitt #26
    Flowers at work!!! Ohhhh… i am jealous!!!
    How lovely..
    and
    “I’d better claim you before someone else does, huh?” from Tender…
    Sighhhhh sooo romantic



  61.  #61Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 10:46 am

    #57
    He asked to come over last night for tonights baseball game…
    just a little clarification :~>



  62.  #62Veronica on August 19, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Sophie – 34 – Trying to position me is exactly what has me reeling – you describe it so eloquently. I seem like a fiery dragon today. I do want to push OwlCD all the way out of my life. I feel irritated but can’t get further than that. I feel heard, thank you.

    Yay, you got some siren down time : )



  63.  #63Veronica on August 19, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Indigo – 40 – I needed to hear that because I felt overwhelmed by what seemed the burden of someone else’s stuff. I feel got.

    Wow thank you. I do need that because it churns in my system for hours especially if I get riled up. And then it becomes a massive effort to sort through all that.
    Xx



  64.  #64Veronica on August 19, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Azure Blu – 43 – oh a man that is so in tune with your body – hm that is alluring, ooh meltyness. How did it feel when he said this to you?
    “Azure just relax, you get way ahead of yourself… you follow me for a little while and then you are afraid of messing up so you break away and do your own thing…”

    Yeah, I’m exclusive with Funny. And I made sure that men I had met off the dating site that I had already arranged to meet again knew that I had met someone. And I told OwlCD too. A while ago (maybe two months), I had told OwlCD that I was pretty sure that for me our options would be at friendship. This is after he specifically asked what we were. He agreed and stated that there were significant obstacles that would make a romantic relationship difficult. Today I stated clearly that I never thought that we were in a relationship, he said he knew that and just wanted to clarify (this is when I wanted to breathe fire – this round-abouty nonsense).

    But you made a good observation about me feeling overwhelmed by his need for this back and forth and that he can’t say that he misses me. I wasn’t fully aware that he may be feeling like that.



  65.  #65Veronica on August 19, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I want to feel connected to my soft sireny self.

    I told Funny that I was a dragon today and wanted to breathe fire and so wasn’t good company for talking to which he said ‘oh?, I’ll bring marshmellows’ LOL! I like a man who is this interested in me.



  66.  #66Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Veronica #64…
    Ohhhh… I am giggling!!!
    How funny… “oh, I’ll bring marshmellows!!”
    How adorable!!!
    Love this guy!!!



  67.  #67Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Veronica…
    thank you for explaining more about the Owlcd background…
    It does feel to me like… he doesn’t want to let go and the best way to keep you engaged
    is to faun confusion
    and to cause a little drama…

    YOU, darling one, are Irrisistable…
    too bad he couldn’t step up…
    but then you wouldn’t have met Funnycd!!!



  68.  #68Rori Raye on August 19, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Krissy, Hi – I’m not coaching right now – because I’m referring to my amazing Certified Coaches! They are ALL fantastic – go over to the sidebar on the right and find the page “Directory Of Rori Raye Coaches” – go to their websites and see who stirs something in you and try them out! Love, Rori



  69.  #69nyx on August 19, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Ohhh Veronica- funnycd scores MAJOR charmpoints! Now I know how he got his nickname 😉



  70.  #70nyx on August 19, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    @MarikaB

    you can’t capture charisma on a pic. At least, not often. Radiance, warmth, charm… so often it doesn’t come through a screen, but people do feel it- hence the comment of you being “the most beautiful woman” there 🙂

    I just obsessed over a pic with a young male friend on a club’s fb-but then he told me his friend had asked him “Who’s the model?” so… we should try to see us through others’ positive eyes- seeing us through ourselves eyes doesn’t always do us any favor…



  71.  #71Kim on August 19, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Azure Blu, tht



  72.  #72Kim on August 19, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Oops…I hit submit!
    Wanted to say Azure Blu it sounds so nice!
    Have lots of fun! 🙂
    At your Tavern…
    Giggle



  73.  #73sequoia on August 19, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Marika B. it feels good to read how you keep leaning back and I am sure the picture doesn’t affect T at all.

    Azur Blu I love how you were leaning back with spiritedCd and he stepped up arranging dates much earlier – very inspiring.

    Had 2 lovely dates today , but I did reach out to confirm if our date was still on as I felt very insecure. He assumed that it was clear , but I felt it was ok.
    Could feel myself leaning forward…and had to consciously lean back a few times…even so I do not fancy him that much.

    Had another spontaneous date at work with a married man. He openly did let me know that he fancies me and I responded today that he is a great man but he is married…mmmh. He paid for my dinner at work which was very sweet. He is very cute, but he is married, so a no go…but with him I was leaning back which felt very good 🙂

    Feeling stronger reg. G and will not visit him in his shop …it feels very clear to me that it would be a very ver y bad idea and not beneficial at all. At least not now, maybe in a few weeks when my energy is away from him and I have a few more CDs, but now no way!



  74.  #74IamHis on August 19, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    I feel good. My old hot coworker and I found each other online! I need to lean back, but he is gorgeous!



  75.  #75Andrea on August 19, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Hi everybody. I have missed the blog. I have missed Siren Island. I have missed staying in practice with all of the “skills” I learned.

    Life has been busy for me. I work front desk at a hotel now in our little tourist town so I have some time to catch up on the blog and to share myself again.

    I have shared before that I’m a single mom. The father of my daughters has not been in our lives for over 12 years. I felt my daughters deserved a chance to get to know their dad so I asked him to visit us over the summer.

    He came in July… and has not moved out yet.

    Yes, we still have that attraction to each other. He is overflowing with words of love for me and the girls. He is generous. He is friendly and talkative and all who meet him really like him. He is a great cook and he helps around the house. More than that, his first day in town he was offered a job, which he took.

    He gets gifts for the girls and I when he can and he takes us out to eat and he’s charming.. etc.. etc…
    we began having sex again. I got back on birth control pills. I kept thinking..

    “There is no reason that we can’t make this work.”

    Except.. there is a reason. For all that he is; I simply am not in love with him. I’m attracted to him, yes. But I don’t want to be with him anymore.

    I liked my dating life, now I feel like he is always underfoot. I feel claustrophobic with him. And I no longer enjoy sex.

    My two biggest issues with him are that he just moved right into our home. He drives my truck. He sleeps in my bed. He has invaded our home and I was never sure about feelings for him. I don’t feel like he courted me, or dated me, or tried at all to win me. I feel like I felt obligated to give him what he wanted because I asked him to come and he did.

    He doesn’t have a home or a vehicle. He spends his money.. yes on us… as soon as he gets it. He isn’t showing any signs of getting out on his own two feet. I’d love for him to stay in our city. But I do not want to be in a relationship with this man.

    I feel like I felt back when we were together all those years ago… like… because he loves me soooo well, I don’t have the right to speak up and say, “Something in my heart is not settled.”

    He treats me well, but he isn’t ambitious at all. I feel like I’m living with a little brother or little nephew who wants me to take care of all the adult stuff.. finances, insurances, home ownership, car ownership.

    I want to be in a relationship with a MAN who loves me.

    How do I tell him all of that? How do I get him out of my home with out making him angry? I don’t want him to leave my daughters. I just want him to grow up and get busy with his future.

    I’m at a transition in my life. I’m about to graduate from college finally. I have plans for a career for myself and I need to have financial stability for my daughters. While it has been a real gift to have him here and for the girls to get to know their dad, I feel like my life has been invaded. I feel like he is the guest who has over stayed his welcome.

    Then I also feel as though I’m being so ungrateful and so spoiled rotten because he is showing me love and he is doing what he thinks he needs to do to make the relationship work.. he’s faithful, kind, generous… All that…
    Just not ADULT!



  76.  #76IamHis on August 19, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    That’s a tough one, Andrea, & I definitely don’t feel like the right person to answer, but have a hug. (((((Andrea)))))

    I feel embarrassed because my coworker said he was very surprised to see me on a dating site. What does that mean? Is that supposed to be a compliment? I kinda wanted to ask, but I felt shy, & didn’t use feeling messages & instead said “join the club, lol. :)”

    Any feedback as to what he meant? I’d feel embarrassed to ask now…



  77.  #77Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    MarikaB if you say it is beautiful that is all he will see.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    It is not ridiculous MarikaB. That lump is telling you that you need to work on your self esteem. Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I am beautiful. My body is a lush garden of attractiveness that any man would be willing to dive into”. Read all you can about self esteem on the blog and begin a practice where you work to lift your self esteem.



  79.  #79Beloved on August 19, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Oh, Andrea…I feel so certain you know exactly what to say and do in this situation 😉

    Big hugs to you!



  80.  #80Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Andrea the thing is what do you consider adult? What is he not doing/being that is a non-negotiable for you?

    I have been missing your energy and have been assuming that what you describe was what was happening. I remember when you wrote about opening up to him and the sense I got was that you were inviting him “in” to your life. No holds barred. What you have described seems to border on fear of engulfment that I learned about from Gay and Katie Hendricks. I also sense that you might be wanting a kinda expanding relationship where you continuously grow and challenge each other to get to another level in life. Maybe he is just happy being with the family again. Maybe he has nested because he thought you wanted him and he is where he wants to be. Maybe you “jumped in” too soon with both feet before really being sure of what you want? Maybe you have reached your saturation point of the amount of love that you can tolerate?

    I would have a really deep look at me before I say anything to him. You said you wanted him, now he is here and you are seeking to push him away. Have a look at what you said when you invited him in and see if you can see things from his perspective. Maybe you overfunctioned when you invited him back so now you are feeling resentful?

    The comment about him invading your home has me wondering if you are choosing relationship or cherishing your singleness. Many men will cross oceans and crawl over broken glass to be with the woman they love. I have seen them give up their life to move to a woman in another country. The way I see it is that he is not invading, he is doing a masculine thing. Would it have been different if he had invited you to sell out and combine with him in another home and for another vehicle?

    Maybe you are feeling the mother hen provider and you don’t like that role? If he had invited you to where he was and provided everything do you believe you would feel the same way you are feeling now?

    Just my thoughts………..It seems to me you have some deep things to ponder. Do you prefer dating t



  81.  #81Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Oops Do you prefer dating to being in a relationship?



  82.  #82Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    “He treats me well, but he isn’t ambitious at all. I feel like I’m living with a little brother or little nephew who wants me to take care of all the adult stuff.. finances, insurances, home ownership, car ownership.”

    This speaks to me about “masculine stuff”. Maybe he isn’t even sure that you would prefer that he takes care of these things to help you to feminine and cherished. Did you do these things in the relationship before? Maybe he dropped the oars because you were doing it and for all you know it might be eating at his soul but he doesn’t want to rock the boat or disappoint you because he so wants to be there. Is this repeating your pattern when you were in relationship with him before.

    If this is all there is maybe negotiating with the I want……….I don’t want………..What do you think? might help put things on the table and switch the energies around.



  83.  #83Kim on August 19, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Ugh. And awww.
    Wildchild’s best friend’s girlfriend has just updated her fb profile picture to the two of us, me and her..this is weeks back when we had a night out and wildchild and her bf joined us later.
    It feels weird to think this is running down his fb feed too right now.
    I look cute, shy, sweet in it.
    I actually look like the person I am. Quiet.
    Still it was so weird to see that, we are not close friends, more like acquaintances really.
    She’s sweet.
    Maybe I can draw this positive from it all, meeting a sweet girl, sadly I guess I won’t see much of her again due to the current situation (her bf and WC did a lot together and we did a lot the four of us), but that’s ok too.
    I believe in moving on….and not getting stuck in a loop.



  84.  #84Andrea on August 19, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Hi FeminineWoman!! : ) Yes, I so appreciate your input.

    One of the questions you asked, “Would it be different if he had asked you to sell out and combine with him in a home he had… ” ect..

    Yes. Honestly. It would be very different. Part of my resentment is that I have been through so much hardship in my life PLUS raised our two daughters and I have something to show for it. Something in the adult world… a checking account, apartment, truck, job, about to have a college education…etc… He has been on his own… a single, able bodied man, working a huge career in Alaska…
    And he comes to me empty handed. He has nothing. He needs to live with me. He needs to drive my vehicle. He wants to get on my lease.

    Typing it.. even now… I am overwhelmingly angry!!!! I had moved to the point in my life where I was not dating men who needed ME to take care of them. I had worked my self esteem up to the point where I had some non-negotiables…

    Unemployed? NO
    Homeless? NO
    No checking account, credit cards, etc… No financial plan? No career? NO

    To me… the kind of man I want to date… has.. home, car, work, accounts, financial history, credit…

    Honestly, I’m not sure why yet why this is such a big deal to me… but it is.



  85.  #85Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Andrea!!!
    Ohhh… I’ve missed YOU and YOUR lovely Siren self
    here on Siren Island…
    Sooo good to hear from you…
    you sound very masculine energy…???

    This is my opinion and feelings…
    BUT I do agree with what FW is expressing… #85 & #83
    What do you think?



  86.  #86Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Andrea…
    have you expressed to your ex in feeling messages
    any of your thoughts and feelings?



  87.  #87Azure Blu on August 19, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Andrea #87
    Ohhhh… I see more clearly now…
    I would be struggling with this also…
    but
    he needs to hear this in feeling messages…
    Have you?



  88.  #88Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Well Andrea, truly I get you. I believe I also get him. He was single for a long time living a cowboy life with no responsibilities. It was the life he chose. He likely had no woman around who inspired him to be a better man. All the things you list are like things on a resume that can be acquired at any time. Maybe he thought you wanted HIM, not all of the trappings of acquisitions? This is not about his personality, how he treats you or necessarily how you feel about yourself in his presence. What is credit anyway but something like a chain around one’s neck?

    I get the sense you need to speak your truth without making things awkward. That you have tried living with him this way with. No commitment and maybe like roommates with the added bonus of a pretend couple. With you putting in more than 50% and it doesn’t feel romantice or feminine. This is not what you envisioned for your life and you are sorry if you misled because you did not communicate your needs well. Your dream is to be treated like a princess by a man who wants to treat you that way. Wants to take charge of everything and wear the pants in the relationship. Maybe you were making assumptions that he already knows this and did not find out from him if he is willing to play that role in your life. Take responsibility for your part in what is being played out now. He can’t read your mind. You invited him in. Now you want more and that is fine.

    I know you are awesome at scripting and expressing yourself, now you have the opportunity to be vulnerable, authentic while negotiating what you want. Question is do you believe he is worth the effort and your love? Would you marry him? If nothing about him changes can you radically accept him?

    Can you radically accept yourself and share your feelins with without making things awkward or waiting until you explode all over him? Can you find something to admire and complement him on prior to sharing your feelings? Can you accept him if he steps up even more?

    He is a human with flaws. Like every other human.



  89.  #89Kim on August 19, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    92 FW that is a cracking post.
    Just sayin’



  90.  #90Kim on August 19, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    I feel inspired by it..and loving and accepting. Even if none of this is my situation.



  91.  #91Liquid Light on August 19, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    I got a lot of praise today at work and it made me really uncomfortable. I wasn’t expecting it, I was just doing my job and its never happened before that I’ve been so acknowledged for my efforts like this. It was just so odd since it just seemed like no one else was stepping up to the plate and there was a vacuum so I filled it. One of the higher-ups texted me after a critical design meeting today and said that the result of my efforts driving the design forward is “making me look really good”. I was totally dumb founded and have never had that said to me before. Anyway, I’m exhausted and brain -dead, and still in shock. Its all just beginning to sink in but it partly feels like a dream, and it partly feels like a nightmare, and it mostly doesn’t feel real since the last couple days have been a total whirlwind with one meeting after another and not knowing what to expect next from one moment to the next. And hardly time to catch my breath must less grab a bite to eat. Its been absolutely crazy!!! Really hoping that tomorrow things will start to calm down.



  92.  #92Millie on August 19, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    Andrea!! I’m so excited you have returned! I have missed your energy as well!! Just wanted to say that as I’m stepping out the door, am planning to read more and comment later tonight! Yay I feel so happy you are safe 🙂



  93.  #93Emerson on August 19, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    Hi sirens
    Thanks to those who replied to me on the previous thread…
    I have been feeling good about maximizing my time and my “boy” taking care of me…
    I talked to RecycledCD, he has been contacting me and asking to see me…I have a sort of *yawn* and #shrug# attitude about it…and he still wants to see me…lol
    Well in speaking to him on the phone today…..I noticed a hint of vulnerability and sensitivity…
    Even sentimental…
    He even seems…
    Relationtionshippy…
    I dont know how to explain…
    He seems vulnerable and pouring out how much he is comfy with me etc…loves my body, etc etc…
    I just reply soft and open like “aw thanks…” and all the while picturing a soft sandy beach…not flypaper…haha, that is one of my favorite visuals, thanks Rori! 🙂

    I feel like my attraction energy is high today,,, perhaps because I saw one of my coworker crushes today at work and he gave me the biggest hug!! He is so adorable and sweet…to some, maybe he is not conventionally handsome…he’s medium height and stocky, older than me by about a decade, and just a delicious teddy bear if you ask me…aww I feel dreamy just thinking of him. He brightens up my day so much. When he sees me his face just lights up! I love that feeling.

    Well I am also trying not to pine about CuteCityCD….he has been in touch but he is HOT and COLD….

    Despite all my hugs, phone conversations and attraction today,,,I felt a heavy sadness after work and went out to get a bite to eat by myself.. which i don’t mind normally, but today I felt like crying the whole time I was driving there and back so I got it to go….
    aww Emerson it’s ok to let men adore you and wake up those feelings of desire for companionshiop and sexual attention and feeling like someone cares…It felt so good to have that attention today from WorkCrush and RecycledCD, I wished it would last….
    I have been on independent auto pilot for so long…I don’t know how it feels to be in a relationship anymore…



  94.  #94Emerson on August 19, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Hi Andrea,
    Nice to “see” you!!
    What I am getting from your post is that your boy energy has taken good care of you for many years, and yes you would like a man in your life, but now that your ex is back, your boy is STILL required to work overtime to provide basic needs and this feels resentful because perhaps it would feel good to have some of the pressure lifted after all this time…after all when there was no man there for you and you were on your own, your boy didn’t mind providing…now that a male is in your household and your boy is STILL under the gun to provide…it feels bad….
    Is that correct…?



  95.  #95Femininewoman on August 19, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    “To me… the kind of man I want to date… has.. home, car, work, accounts, financial history, credit…

    Honestly, I’m not sure why yet why this is such a big deal to me… but it is.”

    Security? Maybe they provide a feeling of safety? We unconsciously ascribe these things to men who have their life together. Without them we tend to think of men as losers.



  96.  #96A.A. on August 19, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    To Rori or anyone else:

    I have an interesting dilemma. What if I just want to stop feeling attracted to someone permanently? I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t want to want anyone. I enjoyed just focusing on myself and my passions. But this attraction came out of nowhere and it stills pops up even when it’s very obvious we’re just friends and I’d be happy to be just friends.

    How do I get rid of this longing for something more? Grrrr…



  97.  #97Emerson on August 19, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    AA 100
    IMHO we are human and will always have those fselings…it’s what makes life beautiful …
    I understand what you are asking, and I’m not sure if it’s possible to do this without shutting off and disconnecting from your human nature feelings….just my two cents.



  98.  #98Emerson on August 19, 2014 at 10:59 pm

    I feel so clear about what I want and don’t want….so why am I entertaining foolishness from recycledCD ….
    I believe in moving on and not getting stuck in a loop, as Kim said earlier!!



  99.  #99Indigo on August 20, 2014 at 2:04 am

    MarikaB 70,

    I am a very unphotogenic person. VERY. It is something I have accepted about myself and with the right photographer and in the right mood, I often look nice, but mostly photos of me do not come out well. I worry about this, but for the most part men do not even notice. In fact, if they like you, they think you look beautiful regardless of the photo. I have been told by a man that I looked good even though I was in the most hideous bridesmaid dress, or even if it was a photo I didn’t like at all. Men seem to see with the eyes of how they feel about you, so don’t worry about it!



  100.  #100Femininewoman on August 20, 2014 at 2:53 am

    AA I have been there. What I did was prayed and prayed until one day it seemed I had lost the attraction however years later what I realized was that I had actually ended up closing my heart which was subsequently very hard to reopen



  101.  #101Ignis on August 20, 2014 at 3:38 am

    Hmn, just checking in from my tools bootcamp. Two weeks ago I felt only numbness. Then I decided to get out of it to just do the tools like crazy. The first week it went good, I felt good and I felt sense of purpose and that I was taking care of myself. Now it’s week two and I managed to undo everything good I did, contacted the man and pushed him even further away. And I finally saw my desperation. I sank totally. Broke myself and found so much in the soup I do not even know where to start. But suddenly my thoughts are starting to bring me up instead of saying I’m not good enough. Entire system is so off haha so much stuff to work on! And it feels painful and sad and turbulent and there is so much anger. But I feel! And I finally see what is. And what is is that he’s not coming back and I want to get my strength back, and learn and be good. Is this how it goes?



  102.  #102Indigo on August 20, 2014 at 4:06 am

    Andrea,

    So good to see you!

    I would feel the same as you – somewhat claustrophobic that so much has been assumed by this man. He may be treating you in a very lovely manner, but it is still an assumption.

    I think it is wonderful when a relationship builds up to what you have with him now, but for it to just go straight into that would not feel fully right to me.

    I think an honest conversation needs to be had with him. Perhaps that you could see all of this further down the line (if that is what you want). As Beloved and FW say, you are awesome at scripting, so I feel sure you will know what to say 🙂



  103.  #103Indigo on August 20, 2014 at 4:18 am

    AA,

    All I can say is that an attraction which you do not feed eventually starves over time.

    Usually it just fades naturally if you don’t encourage it, or circumstances separate you and the significance of that person dwindles in your life. Or of course, if a new person whom you feel love for comes onto the scene, old crushes are usually forgotten.



  104.  #104Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 6:22 am

    LL #95
    You Go Siren!!!
    Fantastic… quite a change from the days before when your coworkers were dragging their feet etc.

    I Love, LOVE YOUR masculine energy… it is VERY inspiring



  105.  #105Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 6:26 am

    Emerson #98
    Yes,,,, I feel this makes soooo much since…



  106.  #106Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 6:34 am

    Ignis #105
    Hugggsss…
    How brave YOU are to take the steps
    to LOVING YOU…
    which, I believe with ALL my Heart, is the key
    to a MOST successful journey
    through life…

    Yes, your journey sounds Amazing…
    the soup is difficult to experience
    BUT there is Wonderful LIGHT, LOVE and Yummy
    Happiness at the other side!!

    We’d love to have you share the journey
    here on Siren Island



  107.  #107Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Kim #86
    How sweet she posted you and her as her profile photo…
    She must feel sad you and her don’t see each other anymore…
    She misses YOUR lovely, warm siren self!!

    I am sending huggs and energy to you…
    Wonderful siren
    You have VERY big things going on in your life…



  108.  #108April Rose on August 20, 2014 at 6:57 am

    Hi Andrea!

    Wow, I feel amazed that the father of your daughters came to you, after such a long separation.

    I am wondering how your daughters are responding to his presence.

    Also, I have to admit to feeling a little shocked that he came to stay at your place. I had imagined you treating him much more coolly, almost like a new man whom you didn’t know. In effect, after twelve years apart, doesn’t he get put right back on the starting line with ‘prospective new dates’?

    He’s onto a good number, and so very quickly!! In your house and in your bed and driving your truck!! I say “Whoahhh” boy.

    And I would feel something like “Oh my gosh. I feel like I just woke up. I felt so keen to have you come and be involved in our children’s life, I didn’t think it through. We have our life, you see. And I would want any man (even their own father) to integrate slowly and gently into that. I’m sorry if gave the impression that we would instantly become a family again. It feels too quick for me. I would like to slow down, rewind a little, and for us to have our life back as it was, and get to know you more slowly rather than assuming it will all just instantly work out.”

    And then let him figure out the logistics.



  109.  #109April Rose on August 20, 2014 at 6:59 am

    You can even say “I feel angry with myself for letting it all move so fast. I feel like I have lost control of my life here”.



  110.  #110Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 7:02 am

    I am feeling confusion and BIG disappointment…

    Spirit cancelled a second date in a row last night
    he had 3 surgeries in one day and didn’t
    get out until 8:00 pm
    We were going to watch the T baseball game
    together
    He called me and wanted to make a rain check
    and come over tonight…
    I had planned to attend a networking event
    with my gf (thnk god)
    So I explained I couldn’t
    Him: Ohhh… how about Thurs?
    Me: I’m pretty sure that’s open

    then he proceeded to text me about the game when he got home…
    I was getting angry and missing him (it’s been 5 days since we saw each other or spoken on the phone)
    I waited for awhile trying to discover
    what I was feeling and what the triggers were
    I textd him
    Me: I am feeling sad we’re not watching the game together
    Him: Me too… :-((

    He didn’t text anymore during the game (thank god)

    It was a GREAT game!!! We won

    Then He textd me some baseball stuff…
    I replied back an forth
    Me: on my way to bed, Nite Spirit
    He: Wish I was beside u
    Me: Me too

    It is feeling too much texting… NOT much effort

    Sirens am I getting things out of proportion?
    (dating 1 month)

    Our last date (last Thur) was VERY intimate
    declarations of loving me (again)
    sharing other personal things
    he texts me almost everyday

    He’s been filling up my nights with dates
    by asking me out a few nights in a row
    seems to me (maybe I’m paranoid) to see what I’m doing each night?

    I have a date with a POF guy
    On Sat.



  111.  #111Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 7:05 am

    April Rose #112
    Really nice scripting!!!
    Love your insight!!!



  112.  #112Emerson on August 20, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Good morning sirens! I am meeting a friend for coffee this morning and I feel inspired to get my errands done today. I feel a bit sad that I didn’t take any trips this Summer or reallydo anything fun or different…its been the same old grind work work work…and I won’t be able to take any time off for a while. I regret not taking time off when I had the chance. It has been a busy Summer full of opportunity…and I feel thankful for that.
    I miss having a significant other to do things with. It would be nice to have a partner, I am trying to picture myself with someone so it doesn’t feel so foreign!
    I feel inspired to take care of myself and continue to work on my fitness goals…I do notice I have slimmed down a little bit and I look good and curvy in my clothes. That makes me feel good and happy! I also have been keeping in touch with friends and making an effort to meet new friends.
    Sorry for my rambling, just brainstorming about what makes me feel good…..reminding myself to keep going….



  113.  #113April Rose on August 20, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Andrea,

    For me, what feels off (and key) in what you wrote is this
    ” I feel like I felt obligated to give him what he wanted because I asked him to come and he did.”

    What you gave him, in asking him to come, was the chance to get to know a wonderful woman and her beautiful daughters. Not one prize, but three!

    You offered him the chance to win three prizes!!!

    Now let him work for them. 🙂



  114.  #114Indigo on August 20, 2014 at 7:54 am

    April Rose,

    I agree with you 100%.



  115.  #115Labbit on August 20, 2014 at 7:59 am

    Femininewoman and April Rose, I love what you both have said to Andrea! Such wise words…sage scripting ideas…lots to learn from you both.

    MarikaB 91 – Good on you! I feel your strength coming through loud and clear. Powerful Siren!!

    Emerson 97 – It sounds so lovely that you took yourself out to eat. That’s one of my favorite things to do if you can believe it! I’ll go out to a restaurant I love, sit at the bar and chat with anyone who makes conversation with me while I eat a yummy dinner. It feels very recharging to me! When I read your words I feel some self-pity coming through (and if I’m offbase I apologize!). I’d be careful about that…yes you want to feel the sadness as it comes up and yet you don’t want to wallow in it either. You are taking so many steps forward right now! It’s just hard for YOU to see it because you’re in it. Celebrate each baby step if you can! You are opening yourself up to love, to connection, to happiness. See what little joys you can find in each day and focus on those instead of the moments that don’t feel so good. What you focus on grows.

    Indigo 103 — Amen sister. I take pretty good photos and yet I can find something wrong in every photo of me if I try. So I don’t try. LOL

    Ignis 105 – Yes I’d say it’s been similar for me, moments of great strength and moments of great sadness and fear. It does balance out better with time and you’ll spend much more time in the good feelings than in the pits. Don’t resist any of it, and keep bringing your feelings back to yourself. Comfort and compassion for yourself are the keys right now. Shower yourself with as much love as possible, radically accept what is and find every little happiness you can!



  116.  #116Ignis on August 20, 2014 at 8:04 am

    @Azure Blu

    You are so welcoming and it makes me feel so wanted here. And i feel so sad reading your post and not knowing what i cuold even answer. I do not feel nowewhere near a place I could give advice. But I send you a big big hug, because you are you and you made my day 🙂

    My journey is weird so far. I know that what is right now is that he is gone, will not even talk to me, and I feel guilty about it. I feel I want to face myself instead of him. I want to face my desperation and my beliefs I’m not deserving anything, and that I can only get attention when something bad happens. I feel for taking responsibility for me and my feelings that I stuffed entire life under the carpet. I do not want to endure anymore and just be myself and not this wall I build that is so nice on the outside and destroyed and rotten on the inside.

    And i just broke yesterday, finally, could not even breathe and seriously thought I would get heart attack. Then I felt so lonely and thought there is no one and I will never meet anyone else and the usual stuff. And then my head helped me. Now I am sitting on a buss to meet a guy from tinder for a first time and I feel nervous. And on Saturday I’m meeting someone I used to date before. And hey, I don’t even have arguments to feel lonely anymore haha I don’t know, I put some effort and it kind of started to live on its own. The tools I mean.

    I use mostly heart connection workbook, which I copied to my mobile and made to document so I can write down all my feelings and what is happening. I also made a document for all the ground rules of Roris work and read it when I’m tired, cause that is when I over function the most. But what I find most difficult is facing yourself and doing the work is easy. But trusting yourself that you will not, that I will not do anything to hurt me, that is hard. Cause that is what I did yesterday, willingly, pushed him so he would finally tell me -now is enough, go to hell. I do the work it goes well and then I start doubting myself. I do not know why.



  117.  #117Ignis on August 20, 2014 at 8:08 am

    @Labbit

    Thank you. It feels encouraging that I’m then on a right way. And I notice it too, I’m more often in a good place, but it all gets more intense too, and yesterday it well exploded. But it was kind of aha moment too. Guess I just need some comfort because is not give enough of it to myself yet.



  118.  #118Labbit on August 20, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Dominique 57 — 🙂

    Azure Blu 114 — For me, plan changes at the last minute it makes me feel nervous and often that’s when I’m at my most needy. In the past I’ve wanted a little extra reassurance at that point that all is well. I’m learning that instead this is the moment to make myself the strongest, to really sink into my body and FEEL my goddess self, to find strength from inside.

    I think your paranoia may be kicking in a little yes, but I also think it’s totally normal!! 🙂 Love this part of yourself, it feels very endearing to me. See if you can find a lot of compassion for yourself right now, for that nasty voice within that is trying to “protect” you the best way it knows how. He apologized, he asked you out on another night, he tried his best to show you affection and make you feel cared for. A little compassion for him too in that. You can view it as not much effort in texting, or a lovely surprise that even in his tired state he reached out to you, longing for connection. I feel very mmmm to that.

    In my stronger moments, I’m using postponed dates as an opportunity to help him miss me. (He already does, so maybe a little more?) If the texting becomes a turnoff — and I often feel this same way too — I might turn extra flirty and end the conversation. I’ll say something like “Ohh I feel so flushed and yummy right now. I’m going to go pamper myself for awhile…”

    He usually replies something like “Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do?” And then I might not reply, or something extra flirty like “…” or “:)” Then I leave his mind to make up the rest.

    Same deal goes for his rescheduling. If you feel like you’re making too much time for him, call a timeout by being unavailable for a few nights. You can say something like “It would feel so, so good to see you and I’m booked the next few nights. It would feel wonderful to see you next week, what do you think?”



  119.  #119Labbit on August 20, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Ignis 121 — I hear you. If it is any comfort, I feel that you are on the right path! If it were easy, we wouldn’t so deeply remember and cherish the rewards that come. If it feels like work right now keep telling yourself that it is worth it. YOU are worth it. Much love to you Siren.



  120.  #120Ignis on August 20, 2014 at 8:30 am

    @Labbit I just started crying on the buss on my way to a date, which feels funny to look at from the side. But I feel so touched because you said you hear me, and I haven’t heard that for way too long and that is what I wanted to feel, to be heard for such a long time. Thank you.



  121.  #121Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Ignis…
    This all sounds sooo good…
    Yes I did LOTs and LOts of writting out my feelings
    reading and re reading special scripts I found here on the blog and archived, alll day long!!!

    I had Super crazy Anxiety attacks…
    But as Labbitt pointed out…
    YOU, My darling, brave Siren, ARE worth it…
    And you are CDing!!!
    Yay YOU



  122.  #122Ignis on August 20, 2014 at 9:03 am

    He is late, but i was hungry so I went for a breakfast, and wow, this is first time since many many years I feel comfortable to sit alone at a cafe, and it surprised me and took me completely off my feet I can sit here and just be without stressing, even though my date is late. What is happening haha and this is my first time out with my nails not done haha and that feels ok too. And I feel curious what is around me. And just last weekend I was out with a girlfriend and could not even look at any men or anything else than my own glass, I was so closed up.



  123.  #123Ignis on August 20, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Though what feels scary is that I thought I was on a right way before and it was all wrong still, I got so many things wrong. Though it led me to when I am and it is much better place so who says it was wrong? Can I really be on a right way then? Yay

    And I’m spamming siren land 🙂



  124.  #124lovetodance on August 20, 2014 at 9:19 am

    dear azure blu,
    reaching out to give you hugs and love….reminding you of your beautiful siren allure and strength…
    keep remembering the moments of connection with him…. and honor the flow of unfolding…
    i like what labbitt 122 said to you….compassion for you,compassion for him…
    glad you are cding and checking your reactions…i like to remember byron katie’s moniker…or someones anyhow…’don’t believe everything you think’….wait for more to unfold and in the meantime… which is your vibrant life….keep finding the joy and beauty that attracts you…and sooooo clearly is you….
    and i also am taking what i wrote to you…to my heart…



  125.  #125Oshun on August 20, 2014 at 9:21 am

    So question… sometimes you’ll hear men say they want a woman to initiate a date here or there. Some say it takes pressure off of them to always have to come up with something and it’ll show she’s interested. Any thoughts on that?



  126.  #126Femininewoman on August 20, 2014 at 9:22 am

    RE 117 Love it April Rose. Also It more reads like a thought to me than a feeling. Seems Andrea kinda painted herself in a corner and is angry at him for taking the bait.

    ” I feel like I felt obligated to give him what he wanted because I asked him to come and he did.”

    If there was a discussion around what he wanted, it should have been a negotiation where both shared. He does not get what he wants by default. If he said something that created the feeling of obligation it would be great to go back to that point, sink into the feelings so as to become clear about how to handle the backtracking/mind change now.



  127.  #127lovetodance on August 20, 2014 at 9:31 am

    i believe i have been leaning way forward with myself…worrying worrying worrying…..i have financial scenarios i have to face….meaning a change in my lifestyle…provokes alot of anxiety for me…trying to control things so i don’t have to make any changes…but that is not an option any longer….

    digging up feelings in my psyche as i read this material and again begin to want a relationship …or at least contemplate what i want and find[ing] the roadblocks in myself….trying to get really real with myself
    hearing the nasty voices..you’re too old , not attractive anymore….too much work, don’t want to online date and have my picture out there…the only one i really believe is….i don’t want my picture out there…talk about feeling vunerable….biggest fear is that people in the social community i am pulling away from will see it …. i so don’t want to expose myself to that…i will have to find some other ways to meet and socialize…its so interesting to contemplate leaning back and yet wanting men’s attention…it seems when i don’t care is when they come….a delicate dance



  128.  #128Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Oshun #219

    Indigo and Dominique put this all so well…

    There is a balance in the leaning back (soft on the outside) and the leaning forward…
    that needs to be watched and honored…

    I could be off base here but MY understanding is
    In the beginning it should be him coming forward and leading
    Maybe if the man brings up
    I need you to initiate a date here and there…
    (I have had most men say this also)
    a discussion with him of how that would look and
    how that makes you feel?



  129.  #129Oshun on August 20, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Thanks Azure.

    I have no problem initiating a date or time to spend together. My issue comes in when my efforts are rejected as they were with M. He had said before that he likes to be able to handle things so I fell back.

    Now I’m on an online dating site and am looking to CD seriously so before I get into anything with who may be coming next, I wanted to have an idea.



  130.  #130Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Labbitt #122
    kiss, kiss hug, hug!!
    I feel sooo heard
    and the time you took to respond to my post….
    Like soft, gentle arms around my heart…
    Thank you…

    Yes, you are right… he did still take the time,
    even though he was TIRED, to txt me and keep me close that way…
    He did ask me out for the next few days…

    He DOES have a soft, tender heart (which he easily shows)
    and THAT is what I am discovering (from dating him)
    I want in my forever man…
    Because… more and more
    I am able to show MY soft, tender heart to others

    Ahhh,,, THE TOOLS are magical



  131.  #131Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Oshun #133
    Ohhhh… geee… i’m confused?

    No initiating of dates… that’s leaning forward…
    Unless you want to be the masculine energy…
    that is up to you…

    Does being the masculine energy in a dating and relationship situation feel good to you?



  132.  #132Oshun on August 20, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Azure,

    No it doesn’t at all. I guess my question is more so after things have gotten started. Maybe 3rd or 4th date or even well into the relationship, is it ever okay to initiate sporadically?



  133.  #133Daria on August 20, 2014 at 9:54 am

    oooh we have a Gazzess name Oshun here now 🙂

    Hi 🙂

    I feel happy to see your name



  134.  #134Daria on August 20, 2014 at 9:56 am

    I’m feeling excited to write… im in Romania!!! I feel excited sharing I jus touched donw a few hours ago\

    I feel like im relaxing and getting more energy in



  135.  #135Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 9:57 am

    lovetodance #124
    Mmmmm.. thank you sooo much for the love and hugs
    it feels VERY good…

    yes, compassion for me… and him…
    soft warm self love…
    carefully, gently holding ME
    I think I am feeling VERY frightened
    fear of things NOT working out
    with this man who wants ME to
    give him MY heart
    Fear of searal dating
    Lots and Lots of stuff swirlling around

    I have been EXTREMELY vulnerable
    and authentic with Spirit
    Not my usual way of doing things…

    even texting him last night
    “I am feeling sad that we aren’t watching the game togehter”
    was a VERY big deal for me…
    I would usually have gotten pissed, shut down and acted like everything was ok the next time i saw or heard from him…
    Building MY protective wall, brick by brick
    so I wouldn’t have to get
    emotionally close
    to ANYONE especially a MAN!!!



  136.  #136Oshun on August 20, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Thank you, Daria. Of course it isn’t my real name but it’s befitting to invoke the Yorba goddess of love when talking about.. love. :o)



  137.  #137Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 10:02 am

    soooo darling Sirens,
    I should feel PROUD…
    PROUD of ME,
    Last night I took one more step
    for ME…
    Letting Spirit see ME

    No wonder I feel FEAR
    My old self felt down deep to the core of ME
    That is WEAKNESS!!!



  138.  #138Dominique on August 20, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Azure Blu – 114 – I understand your feelings of disappointment. Yet I’m seeing expectations accruing here. You’ve only been seeing this man one month, and stuff, life can and will get in the way sometimes. It’s way too soon to tell if this is his pattern, so there’s not much to say at this point. Though you could try – I feel bored with texting. Hearing your voice would feel so much better. – Aside from this, how about exercising your curiosity muscles, being open and curious to what is, and flowing with however things unfold. For now. And how about loving and feeling thankful for all which feels good with him and not allowing your focus to drift to what could be different. The more you can feel the good feeling stuff, the more good feeling stuff will you notice and the less will the not so good feeling stuff affect you.
    xxoo



  139.  #139Oshun on August 20, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Also I’m feeling weird because things with M seem to be slowing down to almost a stop! Do I continue to stop rowing and open myself up? I’ve initiated dates that were turned down. I’ve told him I would like to see him more and it hasn’t gotten better like he said it would. I really hoped this would work out but goodness!

    Deep breaths. ..



  140.  #140lovetodance on August 20, 2014 at 10:05 am

    so good you are feeling and watching closely…i see and feel your courage….
    and i so relate….
    to change how we have related …to open our hearts…like open heart surgery without the drugs….we see what we have done in the past….we see the outcomes….
    you have been building siren cajones[ i know weird analogy] to enact it differently….
    this is so poignant to me….whatever happens here…there is big shift and i honor you!
    your realness…your fear…. your strength….your love!



  141.  #141Dominique on August 20, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Ignis – Sending much love to you. 🙂

    xxoo



  142.  #142lovetodance on August 20, 2014 at 10:08 am

    oh….got so caught up in the feeling…..my last
    post is directed to azure blu 139



  143.  #143Dominique on August 20, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Oshun – 129 – Instead of initiating, you can suggest in this way – It would feel so good to…. (or do…. or go……). I would love this. What do you think? – And then he knows what you want, what would make you feel good, and the kind of man you likely want will take it all from there.

    How does this feel to you? Doable?

    xxoo



  144.  #144Daria on August 20, 2014 at 10:32 am

    (((((((((((Andrea))))))))))))

    wow I feel excited and awed… that seems like big REAL intense LIFE stuff to work through!!! feels like LIVING for real to feel through such powerful stuff



  145.  #145Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Daria,
    How wonderful to be in Romania…
    Do you have family there?



  146.  #146Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Since Rori’s tools – 2+ years-
    I have gently and softly been taking away
    MY bricks…
    the Bricks I have used most of my life
    to build the Wall I think I need
    for protection from pain and heartbreak…
    I’m not sure why..
    but the brick i took away from ME last night
    Is feeling like ME standing in the middle of a
    Big endless dessert…
    bright sun and nothing else…



  147.  #147Oshun on August 20, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Dominique #147

    Thank you for responding. I have done that and it worked like a charm. In the beginning of our dating, I mentioned an art show to M and a couple of days later he had tickets for it and we went. I was so surprised and I felt so special, I had coworkers cover my shift so that I could go! Since then I have done that and have not had good results. Nothing happens. I’ve mentioned concerts and we ended up going separately each time. I will definitely continue to suggest with the next men I date.

    I guess a part of me doesn’t want to accept that he may not be as interested as he was. I just want to go ahead and ask. He calls but it isn’t enough. We’re going on 3 weeks with no real date. That should probably be all I need for my answer.



  148.  #148Trying to be happy on August 20, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Hello ladies,
    Does anyone know if Rori still responds to questions, I can’t find the old place where people could ask questions.
    I have a little problem at the moment that I would appreciate advice on. Rotisserie, if you read this by chance, I would really need to hear your input.
    I have been with a man for 4 years and we have moved in together recently. It was my birthday last week, and he didn’t do anything for it. He always seems put out by doing anything for any occasion, and we pretty much don’t celebrate anything now. Birthdays were the only thing left and he ruined that too. I have been very angry with him and haven’t really talked to him since. He doesn’t seem bothered. With everyday that goes by I feel more angry. I don’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to initiate anything. I know that he is capable of being thoughtful, as he does lots of things for his family. In fact, he makes sure that he always does things for his family, but with me, it’s like he doesn’t have to make any effort. How do I resolve this not speaking situation without initiating anything?



  149.  #149Trying to be happy on August 20, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Auto complete turned Rori to rotisserie !!



  150.  #150Dominique on August 20, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Yes Oshun, seems as though you have your answers inside already.

    xxoo



  151.  #151prplpsn28 on August 20, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Well…after asking H at the reunion if we could talk cuz I had been hearing conflicting stories from people at the reunion about our relationship and I didn’t want to hear things from other people…I let him take the initiative to do so. He did. He contacted me monday eve and asked if we could get together tuesday eve (last night). We did and got along really well and talked about things in general but when it came to talking about us he shut down. It had gotten late and he said he was tired and that we had all week and many evenings left to talk. He denied what people had said at reunion. So im still confused and at this point I’m leaving it in his hands. I’m not making contact. I feel like he’s just playing with my heart and emotions. Ugh!



  152.  #152prplpsn28 on August 20, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    I can’t remember if I explained what all happened at the reunion. About his kind gesture with the wine and everyone feeling like he cared and was reaching out. ?? I know I talked about the reunion cuz Dominique and Azure said I was very Sireny 🙂



  153.  #153Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    (((purple..))))
    wonder why you believe you deserve crumbs
    when Your HEART really wants a whole entire CAKE?

    Carefully Take excellent Care of YOU!!

    Only YOU can do that…



  154.  #154prplpsn28 on August 20, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Azure…I’m not accepting crumbs. Not anymore. It hurts bad tho.



  155.  #155Rhonda on August 20, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Hello,

    I am new to this program and I am having a hard time letting go of a recent dating situation. I know I shouldn’t feel bad because we only had one date but we talked or texted every day for a month before that. We met because he saw me on a mutual friends facebook. The date was great and I feel I was very present. (made eye contact, he shared stories with me, smiled and laughed and kissed me goodnight). I met him halfway because he is wisconsin and me in Illinois but my heart is in wisconsin so I wanted to go there for our date. He offered to pick me up so we agreed to meet just outside where we were going because he still wanted to drive. So that night he texted me making sure I got home. I said I did and had a great time and he said he did to. Then the next day he contacted me again but the mood was different he said he was in a weird mood and felt kinda negative but still engaged in conversation. The next day was the first time I contacted him and I wanted to see how he was doing and initiate one contact so he knew I was interested and he engaged in conversation and told me he has been fighting depression since his mid 20’s and it comes and goes and he has been on meds for it. I didn’t hear from him in 2 days and he was going on vacation in a week. I reached out to him telling him to have a great week he said he would try. I of course didn’t here from him while he was on vacation nor did I expect to and I was not going to contact him at at all but Monday on his facebook he posted a picture of him frowning and captioned it “after vacation blues..god I hate my life”. So I texted him asking if he was having a bad day at work. He said “bad day at life” and told me he never really realized how much his life sucked until he was away from it for a week. I told him I was sorry to hear that and to let me know if I can do anything and then a week later told him that I have been keeping my distance from him because I know he needs to be alone but that I am open to hear from him if he needs an ear. he responded back very nicely about how caring an genuine I am and that he appreciates that I have not been trying give him advice or through some Dr Phil crap down his throat and that means more to a person above and beyond anything else.

    So that’s where it is at and I know that I feel in the instant relationship trap and I should never reach him again. I am working on all the different tasks and I am having problems in some key areas.

    I sometimes wonder if he is faking the depression as an easy way to let me down- I mean isn’t this crazy..why would I go to this thought?

    I always sometimes think that he changed his mind about me on vacation because he was around his friends who all have very skinny girlfriends and I am not a skinny girl- again why do I go to this thought?

    I also see him on at first his posts supported his depression but I now see him interacting with his friends about the ALS challenge and seems likes he is happy and laughing which feeds into my thoughts of him not really having problems.

    I do know that he is not happy with his job and his low pay and when he got laid off a few years ago he had to move into his parents house and he still can’t afford to leave because of what he makes. he also makes comments about hating his job and about all the overtime he works and at least I know he is not a slacker because he works a lot so I do think his purpose is not being met.

    So short story long. How do I help myself get over these self defeating thoughts that keep coming up…keep myself from comparing other guys to him…keep hoping he comes back.

    I am trying to circular date but no one is asking me out. I am also working out and losing weight, doing yoga nitra, journaling and working on the program and the worksheets. Am I just impatient? Is there something I am missing..am I a lost cause? any support and advice is appreciated.



  156.  #156Kim on August 20, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Hey azure!
    I haven’t checked in for a while, part of focusing on me not men and dating….and then I see that Spirit cancelled..oh no!
    I am sorry! I had looked forward to an update.
    Love, love, love the way you handled it!
    Really being vulnerable and all, that’s lovely.
    He was sad too!! Of course he’d rather have been with you!
    Yes, a month is not a long time but you got close and it’s a normal reaction to feel disappointed when dates are cancelled.
    I was dating wildchild for about 2 months….and I felt like I hardly knew him but in some ways we got pretty close in that short time too, every day contact, first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
    And then: poof…all gone.
    Honestly, I think you are doing great to be CDing and being open and vulnerable.ni am always inspired reading your posts!
    Good things will happen.
    I know it.
    🙂 🙂 🙂
    Love to you!



  157.  #157patricia turner on August 20, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    I am not receiving response to billing questions, have tried e-mail and phone contact to amare. please have someone contact me



  158.  #158Andrea on August 20, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    ahhhhh… I feel big deep breaths. I feel enlightened and as though I can come down off the jagged fence I had foisted myself upon. Yes, Feminine Woman, April Rose, Emerson and all who responded..

    I feel amazed that so many of you saw right to the heart of what I was going through and helped me find the language within myself to sort myself out. (partially) : )

    Well, last night amidst all of my angst he texted me and told me he was going to stay with the men in his work crew for a week. He offered no explanation or further plans… just…. “Hi Hon, I’m going to stay with the crew for the week. Talk to you later.”

    I was at work. My paranoid fear of abondonment self started screaming with in.. “what? why is he going somewhere else? what is he doing? what’s going on? does he want to leave me? Is he discarding me? is he really going to stay with some other woman and cheat on me?” (oh my gosh… even after everything I wrote here, I still jumped into fear mode.)

    BUT lovely wonderful sirens… I did not respond out of fear.

    Then my boy energy, over functioning took over.. “he needs more clothes, he needs his pillow, he can’t get into the apartment and get his stuff, how is he going to get supper…” ooooohhhh ugh….

    I did not respond in over function mode.

    I breathed through it all. Finally I texted him back after reading the comments on here from last night:

    “Oh I feel so relieved right now that you’ve taken care of yourself for the week. I feel proud that you are so resourceful. See you next week.”

    Then I breathed a big huge sigh of real relief!!! I really do feel relieved and unburdened for the week. I can’t believe how right on you were Emerson in 98. I have been overfunctioning in boy mode for so very long. And I did think.. hope… that when he came I could rest, relax… but instead with him here I feel like I’m taking care of one more person.

    Like Feminine Woman said, he is just being who he is and who he always has been. I’m the one who had all these expectations and want him to be someone that he is not.

    Well, he has called me many times last night and today just to give me updates on his work crew and who he’s hanging out with and to check on the girls but I’ve decided not to have any “conversations” with him.

    I’m going to feel what I feel in each moment and once again practice expressing that in the moment. As for now, I have a whole week to practice and to spread out while he is gone.

    Unfortunately, I do not miss him. Not at all. I’m feeling pretty clear within myself that I’m not attracted to him anymore. I believe he feels it as well and is picking up on my energy with out us even communicating. I like what April Rose said: He has the chance to get to know his two really precious daughters. He also has a really good job here and has made some stellar friends.

    Anyway, enough about me… oh it feels so good to be connected again with all of you. I cant’ wait to read everyone



  159.  #159Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    (((Kim))))
    How are things going for you??
    I feel concerned because of all the important
    decisions and energy you need to
    take care of major changes in YOUR life!!

    What are YOU Feeling right now?

    THANK YOU for your warm, gentle support…
    It gives me Courage to continue on my journey
    of staying open and authentic…

    Love to you too…

    dont’ disappear just cause you’re Not dating
    Siren Island is for support in every aspect or
    Our lives…
    I am sending warm, gentle arms to you
    for compassion and Huggggs
    during your New Adventure

    You inspire me to get Out of MY comfort
    zone and see and do NEW things!!!



  160.  #160Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Purple… HUGGGSS.
    Yes YOU are VERY sireny!!!



  161.  #161Beloved on August 20, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    Awww….Andrea…I came to post about how elated I feel and now I feel Even More Smiley after reading your post!
    I felt so sure of you being able to feel your way through this after so much practice in the past and I love seeing you strong and in your power!

    Now what I came here for…I want to jump up and down, I feel so elated and happy and proud of myself!

    I emailed my phys ed professor for help because I didn’t understand the setup of the hybrid online/in person class or the required orientation.
    He responded with a completely unrelated response – 1 line, “this is the book you’ll need”.

    I sorted through my feelings, responded along the lines of thank you for the information, and I asked about this other thing.

    I received another curt, 1-line reply. “It’s online and you’ll do this on your own.”

    First, I felt pist that I didn’t get the information I wanted. Then, I started making up stories in my head about dumb jock professors and alpha males and rednecks. THEN…I took a breath. What am I feeling? So I shared that – I feel shakey and worried that I am going to miss an important class or deadline and I was told you were the person who could help me. I’m not sure what to do here, what do you think?

    He responded – “what is ur phone number”.
    I’m thinking….ugh. Feeling disgusted. Making up more stories about dumb jocks and doesn’t this guy have a BS and did he really just use LEET with ME doesn’t he know he’s dealing with a grownup?

    More breathing. Breathing. Breathing. I sent my phone number.

    And you know what? He called. I almost didn’t answer the phone, I felt prickly about getting a call so close to 9 and blah blah blah. I remembered that I’ve been practicing NOT avoiding things, and answered the phone.

    He was SOOOO Super Sweet. I mean, a really sweet guy. He told me his day had been super busy and he didn’t feel he could really give me the best information through email and he walked me through everything and was Just. So. Sweet.

    I laughed until I squealed with joy when I got off the phone. Go ME!

    Ohhh, just realized, too, that the past 2 nights, I’ve dreamed of “sweetness”. First was a really sweet lover, this morning I didn’t remember the whole dream I just remember feeling and thinking “sweet”.
    It feels like Pop Rocks or a sparkler going off in my chest and solar plexus. More electric and “pop” feeling than bubbles, less intense than fire works, like all of the cells in my front torso all burst into a smile nearly simultaneously 🙂

    In other news, leaving my current job feels bittersweet. I feel deep pride in realizing I’ve reached deep into myself to make it possible to leave with bridges intact. I was told today, if I go to school for a week and freak out and change my mind, they will TOTALLY take me back. It felt good to hear.

    And now it will feel good to sign off and go to sleep.
    Sweet dreams, all <3



  162.  #162Azure Blu on August 20, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Beloved!!!
    I LOVE the pop rocks bursting in your chest!!!
    YOU are a RockSTAR Siren

    Breaking the Cycle of
    putting another Brick in YOUR wall of protection
    by sharing YOUR feelings!!!
    As Rori teaches…
    Our protection is NOT our wall
    Our protection is US, LOVING US
    and carefully, lovingly sharing
    who we are with everyone!!!

    One LESS BRICK IN YOUR WALL!!!



  163.  #163Linda on August 20, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    Wow there is so much going on with everybody. I have been reading here multiple times a day. At times I feel astonished at the things that show up in our lives all in the name of seeking love.

    I have been feeling disconnected and introspective for weeks now. Tracing feelings back to their roots inside me as they surface has been revealing.

    I realized a few weeks ago that I have just not been taking very good care of ME. There some very simple things that afford a great sense of wellness. For example like living in a clean and tidy home, driving a clean car and home cooking. It is amazing what a difference what having things in order makes for me.
    Putting face wash in a pretty container to use everyday on my bathroom sink, trimming the grass along the edge of the driveway so it looks manicured after I mow, keeping favorite homemade iced tea in the frig….my yummy clean soft sheets on my bed…… Doing these little things say ” I love you” to ME.

    I stood on my porch last night looking at the fresh cut trimmed yard and said… “good job Linda” . Yesterday I was walking to my car and found myself feeling proud and admiring of how nice my 15 year old car looked with its tires all shined up gleaming in the sunshine. Instead my usual fear and fretting I felt grateful it is still going strong and looks sooo good even with 206K.

    I could on but wont. I have come face to face with some pretty self limiting beliefs in the past few days. A biggie is in the area of my finances . The post about the “cinderella fairy tale ” from FW exposed a lie that I bought into. Then further there was a article about decision making on that site that spoke volumes to me and gave me some real practical help too.

    I feel a stark difference from how I did when I was seeing P. I lost me. I felt a constant struggle against being controlled and this feeling of heaviness all the time. It feels good to feel better.



  164.  #164Veronica on August 20, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    ((((((((((((Ignis)))))))))))



  165.  #165Veronica on August 20, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Azure Blu – What you’ve been dealing with in terms of your feelings that have been triggered by Spirit cancelling, reminded me so much of how scary it feels to share feelings when the fear seems so big, to feel so vulnerable and fragile. It provokes tenderness in me for you.

    I do like how he didn’t come see you with all that tiredness which would have made the connection between you two difficult to sustain. I had a similar experience with Funny.



  166.  #166Veronica on August 20, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Azure Blu – 67 & 68 – Yes he is so adorable and loveable : ) *blush-smile*. I felt surprised that OwlCD is acting this way after I thought we were very clear with each other. Lol, I haven’t thought of myself as irresistible : )



  167.  #167Veronica on August 20, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    MarikaB – 70 – thank you, it helps me describe what’s happening to me without having to call up the rage and irritation which is quite difficult for me to separate from once I get going.

    I know for me that my looking at myself gets so distorted and pictures can be a yo-yo experience. I choose to find one thing about my body that I love. And it can be quite random – the size of the irises of my eyes, the inside of my elbows, a point on my ankle. This helps me to keep my attention on me love-based and exploratory –‘oh my lips go this kind of red when I’ve eaten food that has olive oil drizzled on it’; ‘oh my cheeks flush this kind of pink when I’ve utterly exerted myself outside’. And I try not to connect that with any kind of result ‘so therefore I must be beautiful or not beautiful or tuned into myself or not tuned into myself’. Instead it’s just plain noticing and liking – no reasons given or needed.



  168.  #168Veronica on August 20, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Nyx – 71 – yeah, charmpoints!



  169.  #169Veronica on August 20, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    I met Funny yesterday and noticed how my feeling sickly and how his not having enough sleep had us slipping in connecting with each other after a while. We decided to end our meeting up a lot earlier. I told Funny that I felt despondent that I couldn’t be as present as I wanted to be. He called me and said that he was losing his focus on me and decided it would be better for us to meet another time. He took care of himself, didn’t let his tiredness determine our connection – I told him I admire, respect and like that. Yet he made sure to text me and e-mail me saying how much he appreciates me. He’s made plans for us for Sunday and possibly earlier than that this week. There is enough time for us : )



  170.  #170Ignis on August 21, 2014 at 1:50 am

    @Veronica
    @Dominique

    Hugs! Thank you for heading me 🙂



  171.  #171Ignis on August 21, 2014 at 1:51 am

    @Veronica
    @Dominique

    Hugs! Thank you for hearing me 🙂



  172.  #172Ignis on August 21, 2014 at 2:01 am

    I started to wonder why I go so much back and forth, why I’m doing great and then breaking down and destroying all the progress. And I simply lack consistency and trust that I made the right decision. And I see now that with L I never really expressed anything that felt wrong, I was just covering it up and fixing myself into expectations. I feel disappointed in myself that knowing what I know I still did otherwise and closed myself in a presense of a good man. I feel shocked that he moved on so quickly with a new gf. I feel angry because it was not my job to fix things yet I picked it up. And I feel so so angry I did not trust myself, because I have this amazing intuition that tells me spot on what is going on and I always hear what I want and not what it’s telling me.



  173.  #173Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 2:10 am

    Azure Blu 114,

    I was going to say to you what was said in 142, but Dominique said it first 🙂

    One month is not long at all. Do you think it is possible that it may all be a little fast and a little intense – him saying he loves you already and seeing so much of each other – that he is just balancing things out for him by taking some time for himself to process? Life just happens, and in our busy lives even though we may love spending time with someone we sometimes just need to be at home, take a shower, re-group… it doesn’t mean anything other than he is human. Like the others said, give it time to unfold, be open and curious about him, focus on the abundant good he is bringing to you.

    If it were me, I would have simply said “I miss you.” and let him take it from there

    xx



  174.  #174Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 2:17 am

    Oshun,

    I have had guys say that to me, and I would say… don’t fall for it. Not in the beginning. A masculine man knows what he needs to do to court a woman and the effort that is required for him to put in. This kind of man actually feels very good about himself and happy when he accomplishes these things. Instead of taking that away from him by initiating, I prefer to encourage and appreciate all his efforts by thanking him and telling him how much I like it all and how it makes me feel. I like to gently guide him on doing the things that I like and then when he does those things tell him how lovely it is and how much I enjoyed it. Let him come up with the plans and the communication in the beginning – that is his job, and it is all the reward he needs to know that it makes you happy. When you are in a more established relationship it is fine to initiate some of the time, and it actually creates a lovely flow. But too much of that early on in a relationship will push a man away as it is too much energy coming towards him and not enough coming towards you.

    x



  175.  #175Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 2:17 am

    Oshun,

    That was in response to your #129 🙂



  176.  #176Ignis on August 21, 2014 at 3:12 am

    @Indigo @ Azure Blu

    Wish I read that comment 174 3 months ago! This is such a good perspective, regroup! If I could think like that I could have simply said I miss you instead if over functioning and making problems where there were none. It makes me feel so sad.



  177.  #177Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 4:34 am

    ((((Ignis #177))))
    Kind, gentle siren
    Rori says there are NO mistakes…

    Things happen and we learn…
    We feel bad, sad, angry after trying to control the situation, a man…
    and we have a Wonderful opportunity to
    See ourselves… How amazing, complex
    and how much we need to learn
    to LOVE US MORE…
    Which is the BEST Gift EVER!!!



  178.  #178Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 4:35 am

    (((Ignis)))



  179.  #179Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 4:51 am

    Dominque #142
    oxoxo
    Thank you for your gentle reminder
    that 1 month is a VERY short time…
    and MY expectations are getting in MY way…

    There are sooo many good things that have happened with him in this short amount of time…

    I have been practicing being MORE authentic and using FM…
    for 1 month I have sustained dating a tender hearted man…
    before I would have pushed him away
    unconsciously believing I did NOT deserve
    all that warm, gentle LOVE and attention…

    When I look at the big picture…
    too much contact Freaks ME out!!!
    Now I see It is VERY good that he didn’t come over
    when he was tired…
    Too difficult a situation for sooo early in our dating
    He is a VERY masculine man… He is guiding this…
    how refreshing…



  180.  #180Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 4:54 am

    Mmmm… I think the BIGGEST
    part of this is
    HE is leading us
    AND I AM being able to FOLLOW…
    YAY ME!!!

    Thank YOU everyone for all your kind words
    and lovely support…
    I love Siren Island…
    You All ROCK!!!



  181.  #181Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 4:57 am

    Last night I had dinner with my family. BM had asked me to have dinner with him, but I told him that Wednesdays are family dinner night, but that I could have dessert with him afterwards if he wanted to, which he did. So we met at a lovely restaurant and had wine and ice cream and a chocolatey type pudding…
    I love how he has been making all this effort for me – phoning me instead of texting, letting me know when he was already at the venue before I left home so I wouldn’t have to wait, and insisting on paying for everything.

    He walked me to my car and it was cold and raining so I drove him to his, and we sat in my car for a while talking. He put his hands gently on my leg, and he kissed me for the first time. It was so gentle and warm and lovely. He has a very gentle, warm, sweet energy about him which I like very much.

    D also messaged me last night wanting to know if I’d had a nice day. That sort of sweet attentive energy from him doesn’t happen every day, so it was a sweet surprise which felt very nice. More strangely than that, I knew that he had messaged me before I even saw the message. I could feel it. That is not unusual. That kind of thing happens with me where he is concerned quite regularly.

    After this lovely, affectionate, caring energy I received from men last night I am surprised how my nasty voices are going into overdrive today. Filling my head with the worst sorts of vicious, low self-esteem, fear-fuelled thoughts. There was a time it would have seriously thrown me off balance. But today, I can’t help somewhat laughing at me. Their voices are so vicious I picture them as some comical, little monster type creatures with snarly teeth from a sci-fi movie and the things they say are so ridiculous I cannot help but laugh.

    It does still take me for a bit of a wobbley, but not totally off-centre 🙂



  182.  #182Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Indigo #174
    Ahhhh… always your words feel to me like a warm summer breeze…
    uplifting my heart and helping me
    take my baby steps!!!
    huggggss and kisses!!

    You are soo right… It was feeling VERY intense…
    we do have a date tonight… hopefully… ;->
    I will guide myself to lean back
    but continue being an open invitation…
    Just another lovely opportunity
    to spend time with an adorable man…



  183.  #183Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 5:08 am

    Veronica #166
    Thank you for your warm, lovely words…

    Yes,,, I can see now, how Spirit being tired
    would NOT have been good…
    I am sooo glad he used his masculine energy and cancelled…



  184.  #184Kim on August 21, 2014 at 5:12 am

    Hey Azure, thanks for your kind words.
    How are things?
    I am ok, but feeling panicky right now, with my situation and I have gone back to boy energy overdrive which is also why I feel so focused right now…instead of wallowing I have been writing blog posts and looking for jobs in case I can find something to at least hold on until this lawsuit is done and dusted.
    I don’t think it is going to happen…I have a couple of day jobs for a friend but just pocket money.

    MoM, the guy i dated forever, asked me if I refer to him as my boyfriend and if we are in a relationship. I didn’t feel like discussing this and changed the tooic, truly I have too many other things right now. He then dug into it and I just asked him what it means to him, so he said it means a logical progression from dating.
    I just told him I was fed up being in serial monogamous relationships. I could have given him the whole ‘I want to be married’ thing but I didn’t have the energy for it.
    I have given it to him before and he knows all that. Being a boyfriend after over a year is not cutting it for me and he knows it. I feel tired going over old ground.
    Maybe I expect too much.
    Also, I know all this has to do with him feeling another guy was in my life…he even mentioned it yesterday. Which leaves me feeling kinda blah.
    Like: too little, too late.
    I would rather keep being free and dating other people.
    …meh.



  185.  #185Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 5:35 am

    Lovetodance #131
    Hugggsss…

    I see you are going through sooo much right now…
    were you married?
    a divorce?

    Yes, I seem to remember you are around my age (I’m 62)…
    Yes the NV that LOVE to tell me I’m too old.
    Time is running out
    Who could love someone with old skin
    wrinkles
    sagging… :-((

    I have had to love all of those feelings
    as they come up…
    I have looked in the mirror and picked
    one or two parts of me that I really like
    my blue eyes
    My thick blond hair
    and every time I look in the mirror I say
    Ohhh… AzureB, YOU have the most beautiful
    blue eyes
    the MOST beautiful thick blond hair

    It has REALLY made soooo much difference!!
    I really LOVE looking in the mirror now..
    I havn’t actually done this in a few days…
    I will go and do this now..



  186.  #186Oshun on August 21, 2014 at 5:58 am

    Indigo,

    Thank you for your reply. It never feels good when a guy asks a woman to initiate. I never feel good about it. I’ll see what happens with the next ones and how that works. I’ll be better at expressing what I want and am looking for. I’ll also express my feelings more…which I have no problem doing with somebody I feel will be receptive to them.



    On a separate note, just getting feelings out, I’ve thought a lot about M and where the shift happened. I shared something very important and he said things were cool but then they changed. In that moment of sharing I felt the change immediately and tried to go into overdrive to prevent it. In no way, shape, or form did he reassure me that we were fine except by his words. His questions towards me never scratched the surface. It was always about how, what, when do I feel sexy. What turns me on… I asked about relationships, his divorce, and what he wanted he never asked or listened. He forgot things I shared with him well into our courtship. He didn’t listen. And I knew he wasn’t somebody I could talk to about anything. He would change the subject abruptly when he didn’t want to talk about things. And tune me out and say “anyway” when he was ready to jump in the convo. I shared that I noticed those things about him. Luckily, we were never intimate. One of my friends gave me a positive outlook on that. In the four months, we got pretty close to it but something in my spirit would not let me cross that line with him. It never felt right. I think I was so hung up on him being a nice guy and people saying we fit together that I was trying to make something work that was really over long before I opened myself up to him emotionally. I stopped rowing the boat and actually visualized myself getting out of the boat. Lol…silly, I know. He hasn’t called and probably won’t and although I feel some diaappointment, we weren’t intimate so there are no soul ties… On to the next one

    Just wanted to get those thoughts out.

    Good morning, love bugs! Make today amazing! ;o)



  187.  #187Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 6:00 am

    Kim darling Siren,
    I can’t imagine the strain you are under…
    much hugggss..

    Sooo sorry you aren’t getting the work in that you need to stay!!
    at least until the lawsuit is settled…
    Does MoM know your situation?

    My thoughts are… don’t put yourself in added stress by pushing MoM too far away…
    He could be a nice soft, warm space while you prepare for what’s to come…
    Be VERY good to you!!
    Love to you!!!



  188.  #188Linda on August 21, 2014 at 6:02 am

    The sound of rain woke me up this morning. It is still raining. I feel pretty darn happy that I am off work for a couple of days and not having to be out in is an extra nice bonus.

    I have come to understand in a more profound way the importance of self love. Taking the best care of me as I possibly can feels awesome. A mans love should only come along side it and enhance us. It should compliment and protect what is already there, not seek its own way and impose change or become our defining center.

    Hearing “I love you” is very different from feeling it.



  189.  #189Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Aww Azure Blu, you are a very special siren whom any man would be privileged to have in his life 🙂

    x



  190.  #190Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Oshun,

    This is good awareness. Remember to express your feelings primarily to get in touch with and love YOU. How a man reacts is almost secondary… you don’t want to do it with an expectation of a particular reaction. Sometimes they don’t appear to react or notice, but often that is just their male way, and they actually do feel it quite deeply.

    As you open up and blossom you’ll see the calibre of men you attract becoming better and better 🙂



  191.  #191Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 6:32 am

    Linda,

    LOVE this:

    “I have come to understand in a more profound way the importance of self love. Taking the best care of me as I possibly can feels awesome. A mans love should only come along side it and enhance us. It should compliment and protect what is already there, not seek its own way and impose change or become our defining center.

    Hearing “I love you” is very different from feeling it.”

    It’s SO true. And when you love YOURSELF, you can feel love when it’s coming to you, rather than in being caught up in the words.



  192.  #192Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 6:34 am

    Linda #163
    Thank you for sharing your journey of self LOVE
    and self acceptance!!
    It feels like a gentle warm rain you described in the last post…

    Yes, I have also found MANY things I have been neglecting… clean car… i cleaned it… feels lovely…
    clean house… I cleaned it (the downstairs)… only because Spirit was coming by…

    My bed room is DISGUSTING… it feels like
    I Don’t LOVE ME… I feel neglected… why would I treat ME that way… ???
    This summer I spent the extra $$ and planted all kinds of Wonederful flowers and have been putting natural fertilizer and watering and adding manure…
    MY yard looks AMAZING!!! I love being in my yard
    Having people over… I took Good care of ME in MY yard!!

    Linda… ahhh… lovely Siren… this feels so good to read… So VERY true

    ” A mans love should only come along side it and enhance us. It should compliment and protect what is already there, not seek its own way and impose change or become our defining center.
    Hearing “I love you” is very different from feeling it.”



  193.  #193Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 6:39 am

    Linda… yes… I started reading the post about the Cinderella effect…

    I found myself in there… I DO want a man to rescue ME…
    I wast talking to a man on Mon.
    He is always quite flirtatious with me
    even though he has a live-in gf…
    I am NOT interested…
    anyway during the conversation
    I could feel ME wanting HIM to rescue ME
    OHHHHH…. GEEEE!!!
    I’m sooo glad YOU reminded ME of this…

    I have some work (Loving this part of ME) to do on this profound
    INSIGHT!!



  194.  #194Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Indigo #182

    Ahhhh… lots of manly attention for you Sweet Siren!!!

    The First Kissss from BM!!! Sigghhhh…
    He does sound like a very cool and fun man…

    Mmmmm… those NV… telling you lies
    But leading you to places You need to heal…
    leading YOU to LOVE
    that you can FEEL!!



  195.  #195Kim on August 21, 2014 at 6:49 am

    My attorney is giving up, so I am stuck with the remaining damages. He says not worth pursuing now that some stuff was fixed.
    🙁
    So now, I guess I no longer have a reason to stay and wait anyway.



  196.  #196Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 6:54 am

    ((((Kim))))
    I am sooo sorry… :-((
    I know this must feel very bad…
    what are the remaining damages they didn’t fix?

    What are you going to do now?



  197.  #197Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Linda – Hearing “I love you” is very different from feeling it.

    aaaahhh Linda thanks for these words. They created a big shift in my heart energy.



  198.  #198Kim on August 21, 2014 at 7:05 am

    Paint, flooring. I just feel despondent. Cursed even.



  199.  #199Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Kim how about playing with energy and LOA stuff a little bit?

    How about putting out there “it would feel wonderful to enjoy the feeling of………………..”

    “I would love the enjoy the feeling of……………….”

    I know exactly how you feel and I also see it is an opportunity to test putting stuff out in the ethers and shifting your beliefs a little. Just to see………. Maybe the Universe might just send you the right person.



  200.  #200Kim on August 21, 2014 at 7:58 am

    I don’t believe in LOA, and certainly after everything that happened this year, I never will either.
    The only thing that could possibly make me feel worse than all this bad luck I had, would be thoughts of me having attracted it.
    Anyway, I am over it.
    May the chips fall where they may.



  201.  #201Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Notice I said shifting your beliefs “a little”? Not a lot!!!

    Is it so hard to believe that you might run into someone who could help you?

    I also said “play with energy and LOA”. I did not suggest that you believe in it. I don’t think you have to believe in it to play with it. Anyway it is your choice to make. Just a suggestion……



  202.  #202Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 8:11 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/heal-your-heart/when-your-little-self-and-nasty-voice-are-holding-you-back-from-healing/

    For me, healing is about having faith that it’s all going along the way it is…and that that’s not only just fine – it’s the way it is.
    It’s not about being “resigned” to things being the way they are – it’s believing that this is how it’s supposed to be, just BECAUSE IT IS.
    Because it’s happened, because it exists.
    And that what “IS” LOVES me.
    That life loves me, that love loves me…and that my only job here is to fall in love with life as I’m experiencing it, be grateful for it (even when I don’t feel it), and believe I’m here to enjoy every moment of it.
    To believe I’m gifted with life.
    Keeping Track of your breathing 24/7 helps. It’s all in the belly.
    It’s a “Practice.”
    Love, Rori



  203.  #203Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 8:13 am

    (((Kim)))
    Give yourself Love for your despondency!!

    Can you do some of the painting?
    Have you been to the store and looked at paint colors?
    Do you want to paint it white?

    Can you go online and look at a Youtube video on
    How to put in a simple linolium floor?
    They make some REALLY nice ones now…



  204.  #204Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 8:15 am

    (((Kim)))
    Give yourself Love for your despondency!!

    Can you do some of the painting?
    Have you been to the store and looked at paint colors?
    Do you want to paint it white?



  205.  #205Labbit on August 21, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I’ve felt so melty and peaceful the last few days…it’s been nice to ease the tension out of my system and enjoy a quiet mind. It used to be so rare for me to just Be, now that I know how good it feels I am relaxing into it more often.

    Last night the cycle of anxiety tried to start up again. TenderCD had made plans to spend this evening with me, but as of yesterday I didn’t know what we were going to do or where or when we’d meet. My mind poked me a few times in the morning yesterday and I was able to push the thought away by giving the gremlin a cookie. By the afternoon though I felt the compulsion to control coming on strong. I had a date with another CD last night which went well but as soon as I got home my mind started racing with all sorts of nasty thoughts about TenderCD — he didn’t respect me enough to make plans ahead of time, he was going to cancel, he was with someone else and had forgotten all about me, it was up to me to make the plans (blech), he was testing me, and about a million other silly lies.

    I knew I had run into my next trigger. This one I am glad for! 🙂 I must admit, embarrassing as it feels, that I’ve had this trigger for about 5 years since my mid-twenties (I am 30). And I can remember back when it first popped up 5 years ago knowing the anxiety before a date didn’t feel right, that it felt weird, but I had no way to deal with it and so it ran me. It became a cycle, I’d fear and worry and fret and send out all kinds of negative energy that produced the very thing I feared — usually my boyfriend at the time cancelling a date. Which then threw me into a deeper tailspin.

    Now that I know this is all inside of ME and not reality, I finally felt like I could face this trigger. Not that it was any easier to face. First, I sank deeply into the anxiety. I found my inner stranger, a little girl me who looked maybe 8 years old, with BIG green eyes who was hunched over petting a dollie. My old dollie. She was so scared, she’d been left alone and didn’t know when mommy and daddy were going to come back. She was in my favorite dress and all she needed was a big hug. So I gave her one. I stroked her hair and her face and told her that I would never abandon her. I cried a little at this but it felt like relief. Eventually my little inner stranger smiled at me and said OK and then she disappeared.

    The anxiety lessened but didn’t go away. I felt frustrated at this. Finally I just asked the universe, my own inner goddess, anyone who could hear my silent plea for help. Then a memory came to me. I could remember as a kid how my parents used to plan every day to a T, how there was a plan and itinerary for everything and how changes would totally throw them off-balance. My Dad especially was guilty of asking 75 times the night before anything what my plans were and how NUTS this used to drive me as a teen. (D-ahhhh-adddd, we’ll figure it out in the morning! — this is what I’d always say).

    I know that knowing the source of your triggers isn’t always important but in this case it was immensely helpful for me. All of a sudden my panic became funny. I started laughing! I was just like my Dad, like my parents, and this filled me with love. This is how I was raised and as much as I rebelled against it as a teenager now here I was doing the same thing, pushing out this anxious energy towards TenderCD without needing too.

    I felt relaxed. I surrendered. My mind quieted and I was able to just Be. (Funny how just Being has been so hard for me!! I notice this often.) The urge to pick up the oars went away and I felt satisfied leaning back in the rowboat again. I knew that all is well, and that he would contact me to set up the date beforehand, and that even if he didn’t or no matter what happened I’d be OK.

    Lo and behold, just as I was drifting off to sleep contently TenderCD called and we made our plans. It felt amazing. I was able to really melt when he called and his voice sounded so deep and sexy. Very masculine. I can’t believe I ever thought he was a feminine-energy man last time we dated (pre-RR); it’s so clear to me now that I was too busy being masculine myself and trying to do everything and then getting mad about it! I am learning that TenderCD takes everything more slowly than I do. Usually I start thinking (or worrying) about something about 15 minutes to an hour before he contacts me to take care of whatever it is. So I am learning to surrender and allow and just Be and then he steps up beautifully. Mmm, it feels very good.

    This morning I felt a tinge of the anxiety to control again, to confirm our plans, but I knew I could let it go. So I did. I painted myself with love, practiced closing my fists into control and then opening them into receiving mode. Sure enough TenderCD texted me all on his own to confirm and called me my favorite pet name. Melting again…I feel bubbily and giggly and turned on.



  206.  #206Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 8:18 am

    FW #203
    Lovely… Thank you for this great reminder!!

    I too am in the midst of Too many issues
    pilling up all around me…
    I need to tackle them ONE at a TIME!!

    I believe the Universe LOVEs ME and I
    am EXACTLY here… where i’m supposed to be…

    Not sure i could feel this if I knew I was needing to sell my house and move back to my home country



  207.  #207Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Labbitt #206
    Soooo vulnerable and authentic of you to share here
    on Siren Island!!!

    This is vERY good for me to read…
    ’cause I’ve been working on
    just relaxing and no matter What
    I will be OK!!!

    Such a good thing for me to hear about
    you finding your Stranger…

    I do this work also… VERY DEEP and profound
    My stranger goes from Extremely LARGE
    Witch like creature in a RAGE
    to laying flat on the ground in a huge
    blob oozing alll over the floor…
    I am getting anxious writting this..
    Mmmmmm….



  208.  #208Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 8:29 am

    “move back to my home country”

    The way I think about this is “thanks that it is home. It might not be perfect but it is still home”.



  209.  #209Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 8:30 am

    I walk up to my Stranger (her name is Lydia)
    and put out my hand and
    she takes it
    I ask her if she can share her power with me
    and together we can create a
    good life



  210.  #210Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 8:32 am

    ((Kim))
    FW is sooo right… It’s YOUR home…
    I believe there are wonderful things waiting for you to discover there…
    how long has it been since you saw your family…?



  211.  #211Labbit on August 21, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Andrea 158 – What a lovely experience, thank you so much for sharing each step! I love seeing how you caught your behavior, dug inside to see what you really felt and then responded from there. Lovely Siren!

    Beloved 161 – This is so wonderful! I admire the way you were able to keep using feeling messages with your teacher and he clearly noticed it too and popped to attention to step up and help! Mmm, it feels good to be heard and taken care of.

    Linda 163 – I feel such wonderful energy coming off of you. It’s fabulous that you are letting your boy take care of you. I’m sure men in your area are noticing it too…even if they don’t know they are! I can totally relate to the Cinderella financial story. I used to think that I was earning too much and too high-ranking to ever get a man…I ended up derailing my career a bit from those messed up beliefs! I thought I needed a man to come rescue me and I had to be poor to do it. (It sounds insane, I know.) I have compassion now…and I see the importance of taking care of myself yet letting a man take care of me too. You are wonderful, lovely Goddess. Taking care of you in all ways will inspire a man to do the same.

    MarikaB 164 – You did great! You can’t do it wrong, no beating yourself up. 🙂

    Veronica 170 – I like this a lot. There is enough time, no need to rush. Must remind myself of this often! Soft, I feel soft and floaty on gentle waves that crest in their own time…

    Indigo 182 – I am so inspired by you wonderful Siren!!! The way you inspire these amazing men to step up and do for you, as is their wont…it’s breathtaking. And I feel confident, magnetic energy off of you. I would like some from your Water Wheel! 🙂

    Feminewoman 203 – Ohhhhh. Perfect reminder, so on-topic for my own feelings today. Thank you, it seems you always have the perfect inspiration for the feelings I’m sorting through.



  212.  #212Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Look at this. Wow

    Today I have a bizarre story to tell you.

    You see, men use a bizarre, counter-intuitive logic when it comes to sniffing out women they like.

    Even if a woman is beautiful, if she fails to pass this weird test men use, he will quickly lose interest in her.

    The logic is men need to feel “tension” to feel attracted to a woman. This is a gut level reaction to a woman that only SHE can create within him.

    Without it, he won’t feel attraction, and he won’t fall in love.

    Find out a simple step by step formula for how to do that here:

    => http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=70H4Q&m=3dmXn8O_0M5raSi&b=dwvqFUOMIzJEVJ6cGJ3iNw

    Tension creates “nervous excitement” in a man when he is around a woman. It isn’t logical. It’s emotional.

    The kind of emotion that makes a man suddenly lose all train of thought, become obsessed with a woman, put her up on a pedestal and is willing to do ANYTHING for her.

    He won’t be able to stop thinking about you. He’s heart will quicken and his face will flush with hot nervousness just at the mere thought of you.

    He’ll fantasize day and night about you, in his arms, in his bed, him lavishing you with hot kisses all over your body. He’ll desire you above any woman he’s ever desired before.

    A man fueled with raging emotions for a woman is incapable of slowing down and losing interest – the only thing he’ll be focused on… is you.



  213.  #213Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Bob Grant

    Featured Topic: Soft Vs. Sexy

    If I was a woman and looked at some of the popular men’s websites (like maxim), I’d assume that sexy is what every guy is dying for in a woman.

    I’d then throw out all of my clothes and start wearing nothing but lingerie everywhere I went. I’d also practice my “sexy” look that would make any man want to put his hands all over me.

    Even though I’m being kinda silly, the truth is you’ve been told that SEXY is what men find irresistible in a woman.

    Please pay attention…that…is…nonsense, and I’ll tell you why.

    Being sexy is about being in control, and it represents a position of power. To be sexy, you have to feel empowered and confident. A man’s response to sexy is….he wants to have sex with you.

    I know, kinda obvious.

    This doesn’t mean he thinks you’re special, or that he’s thinking about anything long term. You are what he desires to conquer.

    Now let me introduce you to SOFT. Soft is where you focus on the feminine energy within your heart. It doesn’t just mean speaking softly (although that can be quite hypnotic to a man), but also that you are comfortable being a woman.

    You don’t feel the need to compete with a man.

    You embrace your feelings, instead of trying to hide them.

    You unwind the knots in a man’s heart, just by listening to him.

    These are just some examples, but I trust you know when you’re being soft.

    It’s not that sexy isn’t appealing, but just focusing on being sexy can often leave you wondering why a man doesn’t treat you as special.

    So here’s my question, do you want him to think of you as Special (then focus on being soft) or as a woman to try and conquer (then focus on Sexy)?

    And just an FYI, soft is very sexy.



  214.  #214Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 8:54 am

    Patty Contenta

    Here’s what I found…

    “Setting clear boundaries is the key to ensuring relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring. Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem. They set the limits for acceptable behavior from those around you, determining whether they feel able to put you down, make fun, or take advantage of your good nature.”

    – Jane Collingwood

    That’s when I realized it was time to not only set boundaries but to actually stick by them. So dating became a way for me to gain confidence in expressing what I needed in manner that was clear and respectful because I knew with each word I uttered, my self-esteem was being nurtured.

    Here was my approach with every man I dated. I used my Confidence Formula, which I’ve written about in my soon to come ebook, Desirable And Deserving.

    CONFIDENCE = PREPARATION + PRACTICE + COURAGE

    PREPARATION:

    I clearly defined the values that were important for me to have within the relationship I longed for.

    PRACTICE:

    I wrote down how I would express these values in a manner that was respectful and authentic.

    COURAGE:

    I then mustered the courage to express what I wanted, and I needed to stick by my values especially when they were tested.

    Now this seems simple enough but I noticed when I began to really like a guy, it was harder to stick to my boundaries. I ended up tolerating inappropriate behaviors that were against my true core values.

    I’m not suggesting that you never compromise. Compromising is great in small doses, often necessary to smooth over a few rough edges of an otherwise smoothly functioning relationship. For example, turning down the TV while the other person talks on the phone or watching a movie that your partner likes that is of less interest to you is no big deal.

    It’s when you start compromising essential core needs, wants and desires of who you are that you become destabilized and cracks in the foundation of a relationship start to show. These feelings of neglect can breed resentment.

    So, take the time to get clear with your values, define them and practice how to verbalize them. Trust that you have a right to have specific desires and stop doubting what is necessary for you to feel appreciated and loved.

    Be all the woman you were meant to be!



  215.  #215Kim on August 21, 2014 at 8:54 am

    I don’t have ties to my family, no strong bond. I do not and will not go back to my ‘home country’ I left 20 years ago and never looked back. I feel sick and claustrophobic even thinking about it. It makes me want to puke.

    I appreciate we all have different experiences.

    Frankly, I would rather jump off my balcony than to crawl back to my family with my tail pulled in to be called a failure like once before.



  216.  #216Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Kim I totally get that. I have read your story in the past when you last went back. I also been away from mine for over 20 years. I felt claustrophobic too the last time I went and a man suggested “why don’t you come back home”.

    Still I choose to think “it is home not hell” because I really love life. Thinking that way for years has helped to let me off the hook.



  217.  #217Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 9:13 am

    (((KIm)))
    Ohhhh… i can see what you are saying about your separation from your family…
    Have they come to visit you here?

    Did you decide what paint color to use on your condo?



  218.  #218Kim on August 21, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Thanks FW.
    Actually, I just had a thought that cheered me up. Which was no matter how bad things get here, I would still rather be here than I would be back home. Lol.
    I probably end up going back to the UK.
    If only the job market wasn’t so dead…mmmmh.
    Well, we will see.



  219.  #219Kim on August 21, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Azure Blu, my mother is crazy and doesn’t speak to anyone anymore. When she had me as a scape goat she could still function but now she has completely withdrawn. She stole money from me, my bank account by fraudulently calling the bank saying she was me (of course she knew her maiden name lol) and defamed me (saying I was a drug addict). I never took a single drug in my entire life. I am the most boring goody-two shoes ever. Lol. She knew that.

    My father washed his hands off us when I was 8 saying I should try to get on with my mother (he knew she was crazy).
    He helped me a couple of years ago when a US company sent me to Germany to set up an office and then stopped paying me and I lost my visa. They let me stay in their ironing room for a few months while I trued to find a new job and worked a part time thing. In the end he said I was too much inconvenience as his wife has to take the ironing board out once a week. And why was I such a failure anyway at 37 years. That was the first and last time I had ever needed their help, since I left home at 19. I had never asked them for anything and I had never gotten anything either.

    I don’t blame them, they are good people but just very narrow minded and not very loving, very harsh. Maybe a generational thing. IDK. I don’t know what I did so wrong to disappoint them, I have two degrees and used to be in pretty good jobs. My property is paid off while they still have a mortgage. The fact that driving a BMW is not my mission in life, nor is it to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ seems to disturb them somehow.

    As to the Condo, I don’t even have a car, so I am not going to do any repainting/renovating things, I am going to sell as is if I can. I don’t really have any superfluous energy right now. Sadly.



  220.  #220Kim on August 21, 2014 at 9:29 am

    My friends have always been my family. I don’t have many but some very close. Sadly they are also strewn all over the planet. Lol. I am such a globetrotter 🙂



  221.  #221Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 9:48 am

    Kim….
    How Brave and vulnerable of you to share
    your story with us here!!!
    I feel honored with the lovely opening of your heart..
    Thank you…

    wondering if you felt (after all, you have known him 1 year) you could ask MoM to help
    pick up paint and paint?
    Put in flooring?
    What do you think?



  222.  #222Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Kim…
    hugggssss…
    it has been something you seem to have been working on in your journey through life…
    the neglect and abandonment of close family..
    You have come VERY far emotionally for such a young age…

    I feel happy to read you have close ties to friends
    even if they are miles apart…



  223.  #223Kim on August 21, 2014 at 9:57 am

    221 azure, thank younfornyour kind comments!

    I wouldn’t ask MoM or anyone. Not my style. If he offered maybe, but he already seems overwhelmed with his job and hardly gets home before 8. He is very slow and thorough in everything he does, it could take him up to a year to paint this one room condo. Giggle! Haha. I am NOT exaggerating.

    Also, I think my nerves are just not worth tickling anymore. I am at capacity, and any more mess and upheaval before I leave is not worth the money I will lose by not repainting it, I think. Might change my mind. Doubt it though. With it being one room, a studio, I couldn’t shut a door from it all..

    Don’t know.



  224.  #224Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Ohhh… Kim…. sweet darling…
    “I wouldn’t ask anyone”…

    I’m like that too…
    but maybe there’s a way to ask
    This would help open your heart…
    change your pattern…
    break down a little bit of your walll…

    You: “I am feeling overwhelmed…
    My condo needs a coat of paint..
    What do you think?”

    with NO agenda… Maybe MoM has a good suggestion to help solve the problem…
    It WOULD BE GREAT PRACTICE
    being vunlerable,,, just asking for his input…
    I Highly recommend it

    When i did it with Spirit the other nite…
    I felt the earth SHIFT!!! LoL!!! ;-0
    and my heart open…
    but first i thought i died a couple of times… :->>



  225.  #225Kim on August 21, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Azure Blue, you are so right. I just can’t be arsed with all this anymore. To be honest, i just want to not even be bothered with openinmy heart and all that. I am kinda done with it now. For now. Too much work.
    Feels better to hermit and make my plans and just leave.
    Too much crap to even think about.
    I have so much to sort out.
    Maybe I feel good in my old patterns right now. The less stress, the better. There is no more give, no more curiosity and no more hope.
    In one sentence: I can’t be bothered.

    I know, I know.



  226.  #226Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Kimmmm…
    YES… i Do understand!!
    kissess and huggs…
    YOU ARE PERFECT!!
    You are a Rock Star and
    Your masculine energy knows how to get things done.
    :~))



  227.  #227Rori Raye on August 21, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Patricia – I think there was a glich in the system over there for a day – please, please try again: support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com. If they still don’t help you, write my assistant melanie@coachrori.com – she’ll go directly to the team captain for you…Love, Rori



  228.  #228Rori Raye on August 21, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Trying – You’re on the “Anger Train” – and that’s what’s creating all this misery for you. He absolutely can’t respond to your anger and disappointment anyway but to withdraw. He can’t learn to honor what makes you happy if he can feel your tension around “what you want” and “what you expect.” I know this is all pointing at “you” – AND – you’ll never, ever know if a man is “FOR” you until you get some peace within yourself. Anger is cruel – it eats at our insides. USE the ENERGY of your anger to actively love yourself – no matter what happens, and to have compassion for yourself, which will then slop over to him and everyone and everything else. Love, Rori



  229.  #229Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Kim I so understand the no wanting to ask pattern. That is so like me. I have been working to unwind that. I am getting a sense that you are so done with MoM that I am thinking maybe it is a good time to talk to him about helping you. Maybe something along the likes of “it would feel so good to enjoy a newly painted apartment. Do you think you are man enough to take on the challenge though you are already so overwhelmed? What do you think?”

    Remember you are not expecting him to agree plus you have already made up your mind to sell as is. Also you have friend zoned him so there is no emotional high stake investment on your part.

    Sorry if I come across as trying to convince. It is just thank I see great stomping ground for practice here. What the heck do you have to lose anyway? He gets to show how much hero juice he’s got pumping!



  230.  #230Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 10:53 am

    FW…
    I am agreeing!!
    Love this…
    “He gets to see how much hero juice he’s got pumping!!”



  231.  #231Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Yeah. He gets to see himself and you get to see clearly the kind of man you really want by how much he allows you to influence him and how you feel in his presence by how he treats you, the kind of drama you sense you have to create to get him to move his arse by setting you boundaries in expressing your needs.



  232.  #232Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Boundaries for yourself as in your requirements for the caretaking, providing energy you need coming at you from him in providing solutions. It will make it so much easier to drop him out of your cdating rotation.



  233.  #233Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Rori #233
    Wow!!! this is soo powerful!
    “Anger is cruel, and it eats at our insides”
    Thank you is NOT enough to express my gratitude for Your magical lessons and tools.
    they have changed MY LIFE…



  234.  #234Kim on August 21, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Lol you ladies…hero juice! 🙂



  235.  #235Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Labbit 216,

    Thank you 🙂 That is how I feel at the moment. I believe when you start taking down the obstacles to love – the feelings of urgency, the nasty voices, the fears of abandonment and rejection, and pushing a man away by finding fault – you leave room for love to flow in. When you no longer hate yourself so much that you feel no one will love you, you see that the world is filled with people who want to love you.

    You are inspiring to me too!



  236.  #236Femininewoman on August 21, 2014 at 11:29 am

    “Well, today that all changes.

    You see, everyday you’re directing and using your power.

    You do this with your thoughts, beliefs, and words

    This power is always at work.

    This power is your subconscious mind.
    It’s connected to your higher power.
    It’s connected to everyone and every thing.

    It will do what you tell it to do.

    It will follow your instructions.

    Those instructions are your thoughts, beliefs and words.

    Your subconscious will bring you the people, situations and
    opportunities that mirror what you say, think, and believe.

    So if you’re negative, think of the worst,
    have doubts, worry and don’t think things
    will work out then your life will simply get
    harder and harder. Your subconscious will
    make sure things won’t work out. ”

    Karim Hajee
    Creating Power

    .



  237.  #237lovetodance on August 21, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Azure Blu,
    what a loving siren you are!
    i want you to know your responses to me and responses i have read to others…are filled with wisdom and such compassion they seem to jump off the page !

    yes i do have a lot going on….and i am observing how when anxiety hits i get into overdrive and ‘boy boy boy gottat get this together’ energy….

    so i told myself as i was feeling this electric stressed energy…
    darling just soothe, soothe…this will all get done…even if you are scared and feels like you are taking a step off a cliff….this will all work out….change is here and resisting it is like trying to get out of handcuffs thro struggle….

    my comfort level, my desire to not take on what scares me, is no longer an option….i know i am competent woman who actually has alot of boy entrepunerial energy….i would like to do what i need to do with less stress and more trust…..

    working this material is bringing to consciousness more awareness….the NVS, the lack of trust, how i get hard when afraid….all the things that block change in a positive way…..

    so i am remembering to soften…breathe deep…..hug myself more….and give myself pats on the back for facing my fear….and i can experiment doing this lovingly and with trust…



  238.  #238Azure Blu on August 21, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    lovetodance…
    Ohhh… your wonderful warm words fill me
    with goodness!! thank you! kiss

    Sooo give yourself Another pat on the back…
    you wrote an entire post about YOU!!!

    Thank you for being authentic and vulnerable,,,

    Yes, the GREAT side effects of working the RR tools
    is that it has made me much more effective in the business world…



  239.  #239lovetodance on August 21, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Azure Blu
    In response to your questions…..
    I was married in another life…so long ago and then after that
    in a partnership for 8 years that ended wow 10 years ago
    have dated alittle bit….
    find men who are interested in me, but no attraction to them romantically
    found one who for 3 years i fantasized about and who really turn me on
    not sure if he is a narcissist or just not a very good guy, or emotionally truely wounded and deeply afraid of intimacy and being rejected himself….i needed to put an end to the dynamic…and feel better, yet sad and miss even the thrilling crumbs…
    in any case now is the time for me to really get to the bottom of where am i in all this?

    i really do love my solitude and independence…and i do get lonely at times….i know that i do not feel i need a man to complete me….and yet i know that having positive love and sexy energy….appreciative and respectful energy coming from a manly man would be soooo thrilling to me….

    thank you for referring back to my comment about age….i know even when i was in my 20’s i found aspects of me physically, emotionally …whatever i could find and tell myself to prove that i was too much or not enough something….

    so now there are actual wrinkles, and brown spots and yet i still do feel beautiful and actually think i am…i probably feel the most sexy i ever have….what a trip….
    but when i think about being really up close and personal….really intimate…emotionally and physically….i wonder if i can tolerate it….?

    so i am this journey….on this siren island…learning to authentically be one….to not manipulate, to open in baby steps… my heart that has closed over time because of being hurt…..

    i could go on and on…..and i will in my journal….
    i just feel so thankful for this safe space to write…to be witnessed…to read everyones process and journey….sending love to all….



  240.  #240Kim on August 21, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    I just witnessed a beautiful love story.
    A lady I know, is getting married to her husband’s best friend, whose wife dies, and her husband died too….they found each other.
    She is moving from Florida to England, to a lovely country home…they are getting married. she is in her 60’s.
    I had a moment of ‘but she is so beautiful and vibrant and no womder this never happens to me because I am not good enough’.
    And then I thought…I feel so happy for her.
    So happy.
    I don’t even care about me or what happens to me, just to see another person so happy and on their path with a great man, moving countries, all that stuff…in her 60’s.
    It feels so inspiring. What a gutsy thing to do, to follow your heart.
    Awwww…it made me so happy.
    It made me so happy seeing another woman with all her dreams come true.
    My heart is really full tonight.



  241.  #241Kim on August 21, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    ‘The wife died’ bloody typos! 😉



  242.  #242sara on August 21, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Rori and everyone.
    I would love to hear from you Rori on this, I have got all your programmes and think you are great.
    I am in a relationship with a man, and have been for 4 years. We moved in 6 months ago. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other before moving in. My intention is not to get married, but to have a long term happy relationship if I can.
    I have been previously divorced. My questions is around this:
    Both my ex-husband and my current partner say that I don’t have feminine qualities, such as constantly cleaning up, and taking care of te kitchen, etc. I have grown up the exact same way that I am living now, which means that I put comfort first. My house is not dirty, but there may be things like books, fruit, etc on the living room table. My current partner says that he doesnt feel ‘motivated’ as a man, when I don’t take care of the ouse as much as he wants. I do realise I have a fault here, but my mum was the same, my sister is the same, and it doesnt come naturally to me to change the furiture/living space every few days as my partner wants. This is growing to be a big problem now, and I feel very insecure. I have tried to change, but is it possible I just don’t have feminie qialities? I look very feminine and my attitude is very feminine, but I don’t know how to be more feminine in this way. It’s more that juts the act of cleaning, it mut be something in my attitide that needs changing.
    Any ideas or suggestions?
    How else can I motivate a man?



  243.  #243Indigo on August 21, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you sweet siren 🙂 and also for the reminder about the nasty voices bringing up stuff for me to heal… I’m so glad I realize that now rather than being completely knocked sideways by them, though they do make one feel shakey sometimes…

    Love to you 🙂



  244.  #244Rori Raye on August 22, 2014 at 10:07 am

    sara – whoa – what an amazing question – I’m going to put your question and my answer into a POST! Briefly – cleaning the house has nothing to do with being FEMININE, or having feminine qualities!!! It has to do with chores, and who’s best able to do those things.

    Sit down and even out the chores and responsibilities – who takes out the garbage, who brings in the money and pays for stuff, who has time where, who lies to cook, who likes to clean up? Then – HIRE A HOUSEKEEPER for the cleaning.

    If you are “slobby” like I am, or your house is a mess and over-cluttered – this is YOUR responsibility to FIX!!!!! This is just about becoming a good partner and taking care of YOUR end of things. Keeping the bedroom sexy and sweet and feminine IS a part of your job! Do THAT! The kitchen – not so much. Though, if the way to your man’s heart is his stomach – then either learn how to do what will make him happy, or write him off and get a man who doesn’t care about food. Love, rori



  245.  #245Veronica on August 22, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    Ignis – 175/6 – : ) I felt happy reading earlier how you are now comfortable with yourself – yay, yay, yay.



  246.  #246Veronica on August 22, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Indigo – 186 – Oh what sweetness and just too beautiful that there’s this adoring attentiveness in your life. When men are like this, I feel inspired to be like that with myself. Thank you for sharing this beautiful moment.



  247.  #247Veronica on August 22, 2014 at 11:23 pm

    Labbit – 216 – “gentle waves that crest in their own time” wow thank you for this, I could notice myself slowing down as I read this, letting the image come alive for me x



  248.  #248Veronica on August 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    FW – 217 – Wow. I’ve seen Funny lose his train of thought, he told me yesterday that his face warms up when he thinks of me, he gives me his pillowcase to sleep with so that when I return it to him, he can sleep with my smell (he has a very good sense of smell). I feel cherished! Thank you for posting this because it’s very easy for the NVs to turn this into ‘he’s an obsessive, dangerous, possessive man’ kind of thinking. I feel at ease knowing this information and more ready to experience, savour, enjoy this. xx



  249.  #249Indigo on August 23, 2014 at 1:16 am

    Veronica,

    Just gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.



  250.  #250Indigo on August 23, 2014 at 1:19 am

    Sara,

    I was going to say the same thing as Rori – if you are not a “cleaner” and neither is he, get a maid! Getting a housekeeper in once a week for a big clean-up was one of the best things I’ve ever done where a man is concerned.

    I do really enjoy cooking… but if you don’t, there are easier ways! Find someone who does ready-made meals or get your man involved with the cooking, or learn a couple of very simple recipes. He will appreciate the effort.



  251.  #251teresa on August 23, 2014 at 5:58 am

    This has been the longest week ever. My father now in ICU in serious condition as things have turned out not as expected and in the back of my mind wondering if G has even thought about me. The mental struggle going on in my mind has been difficult. I feel so betrayed by G.



  252.  #252Indigo on August 24, 2014 at 2:59 am

    Trying to be happy 152,

    I’m not sure if you’re still reading this, but – “Whoah” was the reaction I had when I read your story. I don’t understand how you can live with a man who is supposed to be your partner, your love, and not talk to him. I can see that Rori is right and that it is anger that is preventing you doing this.

    My sense is – and I may be wrong here – if a man can sense these massive expectations that you have around special occasions, it will make him wary. Most people shut down in the face of huge expectations from others. If he had an experience with “not getting it right” in the past, he may have decided that it was safer to withdraw and not try at all. I know, it doesn’t seem to make much sense to us women, yet that’s the way men are. I have found the best, the BEST way (and Dominique teaches this) to get the most out of a man, is to gently and vulnerably share what you want, and how you feel about something – but not in a way that instructs him, more like “Oooh, birthdays feel so special to me, I love getting gifts, it makes me so happy” or something like that – and then literally gush and melt over anything which he does do. Thank him and appreciate him for any effort which he does do. Do not dwell on what he doesn’t do.

    This creates such a positive feeling in him, and such a lack of pressure, that he will want to do more and more.

    Please try to resolve your anger within yourself and get to the point where you can have a vulnerable, non-blaming conversation with him. x



  253.  #253teresa on August 24, 2014 at 7:19 am

    My neighbor sent me a text yesterday and told me that I received a box in the mail. I know it is from G. Automatically tears began to run down my face as I know it is over now. I will now move forward and try to get comfortable with CD as I never tried this before.



  254.  #254Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Kim,
    I know you must be having A fantastic time in the Keys!!!
    Especially now when the tourists aren’t sooo prolific!!
    Wish I was there!!
    kisses and hugss!



  255.  #255Azure Blu on August 24, 2014 at 10:24 am

    (((Teresa)))
    Ohhhh… tender Siren,
    I am sorry for your hurt and that you
    are having to go through this while your
    dad is Not doing welllll…
    Love to have you here for support and
    Siren warmth and caring!!!



  256.  #256teresa on August 25, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Azure Blu….
    I feel the support.

    I wish the pain would go away. My family & my adult children know something is wrong but they have not asked. I have stood in front of the mirror looking at myself wondering what is wrong with me. I lost my husband of 19yrs to an old high school sweetheart. Now I have lost a man that I never thought would come in to my life. I wonder where society has taken us. Nobody has respect for anybody anymore. It is all about them…..like there is nobody else in the picture.

    I know time will pass and I will get through this. I sometimes feel that if I let go of the pain where will I be? Surely sadness and pain cannot bring me comfort?



  257.  #257lovetodance on August 26, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    hello theresa,
    i just read your post…and want to send you hugs….
    please check into the newest post for support ….thats pretty much where all the sirens are hanging now….

    just know there is nothing wrong with you…please remember your incredible unique beauty as a woman and who …only you….are….

    you sound wise questioning where would you be without this pain..? a wonderfull question….and one that helps me look inward tonite with what i am feeling….you sound strong….even in your pain….another hug beautiful siren…..



  258.  #258Brewergirl on August 28, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    I feel lost. I still keep pinning and thinking about a guy that put in the friend category because he going through a depression/mid life crisis. (he is 36 had to move back home a few years ago and his job doesn’t pay enough for him to live on his own) He says he is no good to anyone right now and is very negative about a lot of stuff. I do not communicate with him but I can’t get him off my mind. I am doing the activities and practicing my feeling statements and looking forward to circular dating but I am not getting asked on dates sooo its kinda hard to circular date..lol. I find this guy to be very attractive and he displayed the qualities of my ideal guy (outdoor type, fishing , hunting, country music, conservative, likes sports , strong in family values). I think that might be why its hard to stop fantasizing about him and a hopeful reconnection. I work in the city (Chicago) and the men out here and on the train are no where near what I like and I find a lot of the men out here to be selfish, inconsiderate and materialistic. I am on plenty of fish and I get a lot of “wants to meets me” from guys that I do find attractive but they don’t send me a message and I know we cannot pursue so I am hoping for some guidance.



  259.  #259Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 4:16 am

    Brewergirl how about trying to respond to one of those WTM from POF just to see what happens?

    Also this one man can’t possibly be the only one who is like that personality. There are more out there. Maybe he told you that because he believes you can’t really respect him when he’s not on top of his game. Take care of yourself while he gets himself together. He might reach out at a later date.