Circular Dating Works

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Here’s a great letter from Lillian:

“Rori, I actually used your circular dating tool recently and it worked WONDERS.

I was dating a guy who seemed really nice. we saw each other every weekend and he cooked me dinner almost every time I saw him. he kept in contact with me pretty consistently,
it seemed like he was going to become a boyfriend.

Everything was going great until about 2 months had passed. and then he fell off the face of the planet. I stopped hearing from him.

We had plans to go to a concert that weekend and I felt like he had forgotten. so I contacted him only to see if we were still going or not.
Turns out he “made plans” and was on his way with friends on a trip to Mexico. Without even telling me!!

I felt a little betrayed and angry. Until that same weekend when he took off to Mexico I happened to get a random call from a guy whom I had a huge crush on.

John was a coworker who I worked with a few years back and whom I had always wanted to be with but for some reason or another we never did and were only casual friends. well on this night John invited me to come over to his house.

Ordinarily I would never just go to a guys house on command but, I felt different in this case since we were friends. Well when I got to John’s house he laid ALL the moves on me. I was surprised because I had been friends with John for awhile and he had never come on to me before. He was very romantic and was kissing me and it was really enjoyable.

Ordinarily in this situation I would have felt “guilty” for letting this happen because I would have thought that the other guy was my “boyfriend” but ever since I read about circular dating I realized there is NO boyfriend until marriage.

I had NO guilt and went ahead with whatever designs John had on me.

well.. turns out the other guy, the one who took off to Mexico, the one I THOUGHT was going to be something serious. fell off completely. after awhile he just started being more off and on with me.

If it wasn’t for circular dating I would have been a basket case. Because I was able to realize that just because a guy is seeing me every weekend for awhile does not guarantee exclusivity, I was able to enjoy being with someone else.

Guilt free. Now that the first guy has completely fallen off I actually LAUGH because he’s the sucker in the end because little does he know that all the while he was in Mexico living it up I was actually having my own fun.

I have never been happier in my life.

3 weeks later this guy contacted me and I just blew him off because I didn’t even care anymore! Thank you, Lillian”

From Rori – I have nothing to add! Being happy is the point to it all…and Circular Dating (even if you’re not actually “dating” at all) SO helps!

Love, Rori

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709 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 7:14 am

    I have nothing to add! Being happy is the point to it all



  2.  #2Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:20 am

    Hi



  3.  #3Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Yay, I like the blog story! Happy endings and Rori’s tools work for me!



  4.  #4April Rose on July 23, 2012 at 7:58 am

    “…I realized there is NO boyfriend until marriage.”



  5.  #5Amy on July 23, 2012 at 8:05 am

    I need some major help with circular dating when you live with your bf. I am going to dinner on wed with my friend that is a guy, but I haven’t told my bf yet and I am not sure how to, especially because I have been feeling distant from him I don’t want it to seem like I am going out with my friend to get a reaction out of my bf. I just haven’t seen my friend in a while.



  6.  #6Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I have just told him (S)

    I don’t want to be with anyone who does it (gets high) at all…

    I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES IT!

    I don’t even know if that is strictly true, probably.

    But what I mean is, I don’t want to be with someone where it feels like an issue, and I feel worried.

    That is true.

    I cannot be exclusive with someone when I feel like that.

    Not sure how he took it really.

    At first he was saying it was ok.

    But I told him I meant it, and I don’t want any pretending either.

    He has a right to do whatever he likes, and I just don’t want that.

    Period.

    I feel it like steel in my tummy.

    What it is about for me is not the actual dr8g perse, but that I need to feel like no 1, above all else and anyone else, to commit myself to a man.

    And currently I just don’t know if I am, or whether the dru8gs and booze are.

    I don’t know how I feel right now.

    I don’t know if we have broken up, or are just dating again now, or what.

    At the moment I feel kinda a bit numb-ish.

    I just honestly feel like we might be too incompatible and that although in some ways we are amazing, in some its just not what I want.

    I don’t know what is going to happen now.

    I was very angry when I was on the phone to him, and I expressed that.

    Now all the anger has faded.

    I do love him.

    I just can’t go on like this.

    Pretending that I feel alright that that’s always going to make reappearances throughout our life.

    I feel a bit sad I suppose.

    Very sad probably.

    Actually I really don’t know my emotions keep changing and my arms just feel heavy and I feel afraid of feeling heart broken again.

    I feel scared.

    And I feel angry at him, even though I know its not his fault.

    And I don’t want to be here anymore.

    Well f8ck it, now he can go and get as drunk as he likes, as often as he likes.

    I think there is a part of me that needs to see that these would be the choices he would make for himself (sobriety), if I wasn’t in the picture. And it just doesn’t look at all like it would be.

    And that feels too unsafe to me.

    Like I need a man to have made that decision for himself.

    And I know people have issues.

    But I just need to have some space from this.

    And I feel afraid of getting upset.

    I know I can handle it though.

    I want to see whether he will go to his counsellor, and stay sober without me around.



  7.  #7Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 8:25 am

    You go ahead….

    Knock yourself out.

    I’m out!



  8.  #8Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 8:28 am

    And it would be different if the times he has done it, it was done, and there was no drama, it didn’t affect us.

    But that is not the case.

    When he has done it there has always been some drama afterwards, with him lying about stuff, or me getting called to work to come and get him cus he was in a state at work (last weekend).

    Its just not cool.

    I feel SO angry.

    Why did it have to be like this?



  9.  #9Emoticon on July 23, 2012 at 8:29 am

    *Gentle Reminder



  10.  #10Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 8:36 am

    It just feels like built up anger… from all the stuff that has happened.

    Well I don’t care anymore.

    He can lie till the cows come home.

    He can drink and get high till the cows come home.

    He can skip out on his counsellor as much as he likes.

    And it won’t affect me cus I won’t even know.



  11.  #11Starla on July 23, 2012 at 8:39 am

    yay! I can do handstands as of this morning! LOL maybe my dreams of becoming a break dancer will actually come true one day.



  12.  #12Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Interesting night. HS got home 3 hours early. OW stood him up. I had been sitting outside where the party is being set up, sipping iced coffee with my gf, talking about authenticity. One of the same people who was there on my horrible birthday last week when he walked out of a birthday dinner party. But–time has passed since then and much has happened.

    I told her about his crack about me having sex with Big Bob, the guy with the Harley. She said I could have leaned back–said to him “Oh–so you were thinking about me having sex? WHY?” and just be in curiosity.

    So–I went into curiosity. And after she left we sat there and drank two bottles of wine, ate tri-tip, and built a fire in the new fire-pit.

    I told him that I my life is changing. That I am slowly getting famous from the blog, that I am working on my internet businesses and am very close to the ideal small high demand product. The kind that makes a LOT of money. That filling my complete potential will mean putting in months on the road. That I was going to have to be bigger than our little county.
    All true.

    Him:(taking my hands) I just want you to know how glad I am that I’ve known you…
    (past tense)

    Me: “you say you love me–so love me–be loving”

    He got defensive. Tried to parse the word “love”. Him: “Don’t you understand what is going on?” (Subtext–I am f*** ing this OW)
    Me: “yes, I do-and i am being literal. Are you drunk? On a scale from one to ten?”
    Him: “6 or 7”

    What I want to say to him–“Yes–I understand that you are p**sy-struck at this moment. Just don’t burn any bridges.” Maybe that is too harsh?? How can I go head on with this?
    What he wants to do is keep me in victim role–tip toe around to “keep from hurting me” while at the same time showing me he “got one” like a cat leaving a dead mouse on the doorstep.
    I am trying to talk about the relationship that WE have.
    Just because he is f*** ing OW doesn’t mean he is in love with her. Or that I am not very important too him.

    Any ideas for a script?
    I am a rock star!!!



  13.  #13Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I do still love him though.

    I feel v sad.

    I just wish it wasn’t an issue

    (((((((Me)))))))



  14.  #14Mel on July 23, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Dancing Siren,

    Sweetie, big hugs!

    It feels like you are getting clear on your boundaries. What you want in a relationship and what you don’t want.

    Sometimes, in the past, there have been things that I was not comfortable with… and I tried so hard to “inspire”change in that person because I wanted to stay with them, but not under uncomfortable circumstances.

    But I realized that sticking to my boundaries was all about me… and the only choice I had was either stay (accepting THEIR choices) or go. Anything else would be trying to control something that I had no right to control.

    If you feel steely in your gut about dr*g use, and he uses dr*gs, then he is not the man for you… NEXT.

    Send the universe thanks for the clarity that this man has helped you to achieve, and ask her to send you some more men that are a better fit for your lifestyle.



  15.  #15Salmita on July 23, 2012 at 8:52 am

    This is the thing though – circular dating is wonderful, provided there are actually men to date! lol here in NYC every social event I go to has more than twice as many women as men- I’m talking about dining out, cultural events, stuff like that. Same story online. And considering what I’m looking for in a man (in his thirties, educated, no kids, low-key and with depth), it’s so hard just to meet any available man at all that it seems circular dating is not feasible- with the result that when I do meet a man I click with I want to hang onto h for dear life (yes, I know this is very bad)



  16.  #16Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I feel like I h8te him at the moment.



  17.  #17Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Thank You Mel,

    Its not actually so much dr8g use…

    If he did it once or twice a year, and it had never brought any drama, or affected our relationship, then it probably wouldn’t bother me.

    But that’s not the case.

    The last 2 times he has done it i has brought horrible drama, and issues/disconnect to our relationship, and he has not been honest.

    I feel steely in my gut about not accepting that kind of addict style behaviour.

    It does feel hard though cus so much else feels right and I feel so loved.

    And he has tried hard for me.

    He has jumped through many hoops.

    But the fact that he is still blase about the drink and dr8g use, and doesn’t really see it as a problem, that is what I cannot deal with.

    I don’t see someone ready to move on with their life. I don’t see someone who can take it or leave it, although he swears blind he can.

    And that is what feels unsafe.



  18.  #18Mel on July 23, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Hi Amy,

    If you were going out for dinner with a female friend, would you tell him?

    I usually let my bf (that I live with) know what I’m up to. “Hey sweetie, I won’t be around for dinner tonight because I’m going out with X for a bite after work… I feel so excited to catch up with them!”



  19.  #19Goldenflower on July 23, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Hello sirens
    I’ve not been on for ages, I was ill for a while and the past week has felt very busy. Just been reading the last thread to get up to speed on things. It feels lovely to be back and I have had some good experiences in my general mood and feeling whole and more healed than the past two months. I have done a course in Reiki 2 which for me has really helped with self care and lifting sadness.
    I felt a big shift after this, I am feeling so grateful to feel better and stronger. I feel I am almost over Fedex, I don’t think about him very much now. It feels like the past, this is great for me to know. In only two months I can heal enough to feel happyness for myself again. Having the blog to read and write on helped me through this time so much. I feel thankful.
    Home time, shall post again in a little while. I would like any insight on how to attract new CDs, i feel open to CD but I am not sure how to attract one particular man i like who is shy and not stepping forward. We are having some sort of fb relationship at present but i would like him to invite me to something. Making myself lean back every day, and not fb chat with him unless he does it. Extremely Frustrating. more later on,
    (((((sirens))))))))



  20.  #20Goldenflower on July 23, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Hello sirens
    I’ve not been on for ages, I was ill for a while and the past week has felt very busy. Just been reading the last thread to get up to speed on things. It feels lovely to be back and I have had some good experiences in my general mood and feeling whole and more healed than the past two months. I have done a course in Reiki 2 which for me has really helped with self care and lifting sadness.
    I felt a big shift after this, I am feeling so grateful to feel better and stronger. I feel I am almost over Fedex, I don’t think about him very much now. It feels like the past, this is great for me to know. In only two months I can heal enough to feel happyness for myself again. Having the blog to read and write on helped me through this time so much. I feel thankful.
    Home time, shall post again in a little while. I would like any insight on how to attract new CDs, i feel open to CD but I am not sure how to attract one particular man i like who is shy and not stepping forward. We are having some sort of fb relationship at present but i would like him to invite me to something. Making myself lean back every day, and not fb chat with him unless he does it. Extremely Frustrating. more later on,
    (((((sirens))))))))



  21.  #21Starla on July 23, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Dancing Siren,
    What kind of drug use are we talking here?

    Alcohol is of course a big problem.

    Re: the drug use – depending on what it is, you might just be looking for some sort of extra justification to leave this man. Maybe you have been exposed to/desensitized to alcohol use in a way where you don’t feel justified enough in leaving him over it.



  22.  #22Tam on July 23, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Hi Goldenflower, welcome back 🙂

    Well, the circular dating argument and how do we tell them/do we tell them at all. MrU dropped off the face of the earth and I can just assume that it was my reference to meeting a male friend in the city that did that. He usually blows thing aout of proportion, but hey, he could have sealed the deal, eh? I don’t feel guilty at all, perhaps telling him was silly, but actually, I want to be open and honest – and he asked me to be, so there we go.

    I decided to put a couple of steps on my bridge and update my POF profile with new pictures, they are not the best ones admittedly but they are ‘me’ and they are recent. And I don’t see much point in making sure the pictures look unlike me, i e ‘too good’ and then guys get a shock when they see me.
    So I just mixed it up, put some amazing shots and some normal ones.

    Feeling more relaxed about myself, what will be will be.

    I saw a job for MrU in the country he wants to live in, just by chance as I am job hunting. It would even give him a visa to live in Europe. Am I tempted to drop him an email? Briefly, and then I thought: ‘nah, I’ll send it if he gets into contact, I really just don’t feel like leaning forward’. It feels a little mean but really, I am not responsible for him, I am not even his girlfriend. Hello bridge!! 🙂



  23.  #23Starla on July 23, 2012 at 9:15 am

    I mean that because it’s only 1 or 2 times a year.



  24.  #24Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Starla,

    The alcohol use was a big problem.

    The occasionally a year thing here is coke.

    You know me on here by a different name, and you know my on FB but I would like to stay anonymous pls.

    So I think you are familiar with the situation…

    xoxox



  25.  #25Starla on July 23, 2012 at 9:28 am

    ((((((((((Dancing siren))))))))))))))

    i’m a little slow haha



  26.  #26Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Dancing Siren I believe there is a time that you stop talking about the same issue and just live your boundaries. Otherwise why would he believe that it is not something you want in your life?



  27.  #27Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 9:49 am

    FW that is what I am trying to do.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 9:52 am

    I’m about to give you 2 secrets that will improve the way you communicate and stop the downward spiral of fighting TODAY…

    SECRET #1: CREATING A “SAFE SPACE” TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS

    Women are often convinced that they can’t be honest or talk to their man about what they feel or what they want because it will cause conflict in some way.

    In a way, they’re right.

    A woman will wait and wait for the “right moment” to bring up a painful subject, tell the man she’s upset, and inevitably the man responds by getting irritated and angry instead of being understanding and empathetic.

    Unfortunately, too many women end up learning from this situation… but learn the WRONG LESSON.

    Too many women end up believing that sharing their feelings was the wrong thing to do.

    And they learn that next time, it’s better to keep their feelings to themselves and not say anything.

    WRONG.

    This only feeds the ugly monster of miscommunication and DISCONNECTION.

    Here’s something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it’s true…

    Men absolutely WANT you to be honest and straightforward with them.

    This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other.

    And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you AREN’T open and direct.

    If they are planning something that you don’t agree with, they want you to let them know AT THE START, as soon as possible, BEFORE it becomes a bigger issue or concern.

    Not later, after a few hours or days or WEEKS of you stewing about it, only for it to come out at some other time when the man thinks everything is going fine.

    Here’s the beauty of telling a man what you think early on…

    It allows you to communicate in a way that’s less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while. Especially if he’s already done/decided on whatever it was that you were dreading.

    And here’s a secret about how men like to talk and communicate that you need to remember:

    Men don’t “automatically” get upset when you let them know how you feel about something, like some women believe.

    They get upset when they see that YOU are upset.

    See, for most men, when a woman tells them something that isn’t great about their relationship, the reason men get upset is that they take it VERY PERSONALLY.

    When a man sees you upset, and you tell him about your hurt feelings, he’ll instantly feel like you are BLAMING him – even though you might not be.

    Men like to think and believe that the woman they’re with respects them and sees them as a great man.

    So when a woman shares something that isn’t “perfect” that’s going on, a man will take it as you thinking that HE is screwed up – and not just that something happened in your relationship that can easily be changed or improved in the future.

    Here’s the thing…

    Whether you know it or not, the reason most men react negatively when you try and talk about your relationship is because they feel CRITICIZED by you.

    Men want to know that you think they are perfect.

    And more importantly, men want to know that who they are and how they act PLEASES YOU.

    That’s why… when you tell them about something that hurt your feelings or is “wrong,” they feel like they aren’t PLEASING YOU, and that you aren’t happy with them.

    Of course, that’s when a man will go to trying to
    “fix” whatever is wrong. Because he must find a way to make it right so he knows that he still pleases the woman in his life.

    The thing that’s most important to a man in a relationship is that he knows that who he is makes his woman HAPPY.

    So, knowing all these important insights into how men think and feel, what can you DO with it to put it to use in your relationship?

    To stop this cycle of a man feeling CRITICIZED, or like he doesn’t please you, you first need to find a “safe space” before you talk and share your feelings with him.

    And I mean “safe” in that telling a man what you think, feel and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.

    Here’s your ACTION STEP to create this “safe” space for you, and for him:

    Sit down with him today at some time when you’re both settled and relaxed.

    Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don’t believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation – because you get what you give!)

    Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that SAFE SPACE to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is CRUCIAL to your happiness – yours AND his.

    What you’re doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other’s real feelings – REGARDLESS of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment.

    Of course, by agreeing to this, you’re not just agreeing to be able to state your true feelings.

    You’re also agreeing to really and truly hear HIS FEELINGS too, whether you like them or not.

    And that means not going off the deep end emotionally if he tells you something you don’t like hearing.

    This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are HEARD and RESPECTED.

    And incidentally, the reason your man gets irritated when you tell him how upset you are leads me to…

    SECRET #2: EMOTIONS ARE CONTAGIOUS

    It’s not enough just to know that you need to communicate your needs early on with a man.

    There’s a secret to HOW to communicate that makes all the difference in how he’ll react, and how open he’ll be to LISTENING.

    Have you ever noticed that if you’re in a neutral, quiet mood, and a friend calls and is all ecstatic about some good news, you will automatically start to smile and chuckle along?

    Or if your friend calls and sounds depressed and negative, you will get off the phone feeling WORSE than you felt before they called?

    This is because emotions are contagious, and they usually transfer themselves from the strong emotion (joy, depression) to the less intense emotion (quiet, contemplative).

    So why is this important to know when it comes to better communication and LESS ARGUING?

    If you approach your man with an angry, upset or irritated attitude, he is less likely to respond to what you’re saying, or even listen intently. He will just MIRROR your emotion.

    It goes like this…

    You’re upset. You tell him how hurt you feel, and you start to raise your voice and tense your body.

    He sees that body language, he hears your tone and in turn, HE becomes upset instead of really LISTENING to what you’re saying.

    He responds to what he perceives as an attack by getting defensive and angry in return.

    He’s not even doing this consciously. It’s something that happens automatically.

    Have you ever taken some non-refundable merchandise back to the store and put on an “attitude” with the clerk – and they became defensive and short with you as a result?

    Compare that to going in with a calm, friendly attitude and maybe even some humor… how did they react then?

    Does it seem that people are more likely to “bend the rules” and listen and empathize when you approach them with a more positive emotional tone?

    In the same vein, when it comes to talking to your guy, remember:

    -Stay calm and controlled when talking about critical issues. If you’re relaxed and assertive, he’s more likely to be open to listening to what you have to say.

    -If he says something hurtful, don’t lash out. Instead, give yourself some space and let him know you won’t tolerate that from him. If you stay calm and positive, he’ll calm down and eventually realize what he said was either insensitive or wrong. The key is to give him the space to see your feelings, but not feel blamed or criticized by you for them – and he’ll respond in a caring and nurturing way as a result.

    In this way, YOU can affect how your conversation will go… whether it will spiral into fighting and negativity… or end up in a much closer connection and better understanding.

    I just revealed a couple of insights into how you can stop the vicious cycle of negativity and miscommunication with a man, along with a specific way to renew your relationship with listening and honesty.

    I hope you’ll put these to use in your relationship today… whether it’s with a man, or anyone in your life you want to reconnect with.

    When it comes to building a solid foundation for a great long-term, committed relationship, you have to be able to COMMUNICATE effectively and in a way that doesn’t compromise your needs and feelings.

    Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling unappreciated and “unheard” in your relationship.

    And not just that, but the feelings that will come from that will have a doubling effect of then putting more distance between you and your man and keeping you DISCONNECTED.

    I want you to finally experience what it’s like to have the kind of open, honest and emotionally authentic relationship that not only brings you and your man closer than you could ever become otherwise…

    But have the kind of security and certainty about what’s going on in your relationship and how your man is feeling that only comes from an amazing level of CONNECTION and COMMUNICATION.

    Too many women mistakenly believe that they know how to create this kind of relationship because they have lots of feelings, and talk about them.

    To have a great relationship and communication in it that inspires you and the man you’re with at the same time, it takes a whole lot more than having feelings and talking.

    It’s takes learning to UNDERSTAND not just your own feelings, but also:

    -How to help your partner understand you, and

    -How to help your partner communicate HIS FEELINGS so he feels understood, too.

    >> TALKING IS NOT THE SAME AS COMMUNICATING

    Most women think they’re great communicators simply because they are in touch with what they feel and they aren’t afraid to express it.

    But what frustrates them is that this “asset” doesn’t quite help in getting their man to LISTEN and understand them.

    What you need is not MORE TALKING… what you need is a strategy for communicating with a man in a way that creates the kind of environment where BOTH people can talk and share.

    CCarter



  29.  #29Mel on July 23, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Dancing Siren,

    “The last 2 times he has done it i has brought horrible drama, and issues/disconnect to our relationship, and he has not been honest. ”

    What i feel curious about is if all the drama ensues because it makes you feel so uncomfortable?

    I’m not saying you create the drama… just that the dynamic just IS dramatic because it is against your core beliefs.

    Like if he were with a girl that was all no probs about the dr*ug /alcohol use, and she was asked to pick him up at work.. it might be all “ha ha, wasn’t it funny that you were so out of it yesterday!” between them.

    But you are not okay with it (this would trigger me too), and he can sense that tension… and the drama seed is planted.



  30.  #30bloom-ing on July 23, 2012 at 10:03 am

    eek just scared myself reading news articles…



  31.  #31Starla on July 23, 2012 at 10:06 am

    I am an ambitious, health conscious, self-loving lady
    And I want to seek that light.
    I want to float up towards the top, and seek men who are already strong in these ways
    I deserve it
    I don’t want to swim to the bottom of the sea to find men who are not “there.”
    Even if they say they want to be there, that they want to float to the top, if I have to be the lifeguard who pulls them from the depths and to the top, then it will slow my own ascent.

    I’m going there with or without those men.
    They can dwell on the bottom of the ocean if they prefer.
    If they don’t prefer it, it’s on them to float to the top.



  32.  #32Starla on July 23, 2012 at 10:07 am

    hey, I saw on my facebook that Simply Shannon is engaged!!!!



  33.  #33Starla on July 23, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I’m no longer “not ready” or “not good enough” for men who are in that successful, healthy place.

    I AM those things, and I’m seeking to be more of those things, so I only date guys who are there already.

    Thank you.



  34.  #34Mel on July 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Re: 30

    Love it Starla!



  35.  #35Tam on July 23, 2012 at 10:24 am

    now I wonder if I have just been talking (CC-stuff). And I think I may have fallen into the talking as opposed to communicating trap again.
    Hm.
    I feel the need to explain myself to him, but no. I don’t know why. It’s quite a strong impulse and I am not giving in on it!!! So there.



  36.  #36Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Congrats to Simply Shannon.



  37.  #37Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 10:30 am

    27: Does this work even with an ex who is chasing someone? It should. what do you think? I have never been a big drama queen…



  38.  #38Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 10:33 am

    : Rori Raye says:
    Dock – great post – terrific insight, and thank you so much for your story. I once had a friends with sex relationship with a man who I knew well, who was involved with another woman and had a drinking problem, but was once of the most supportive persons in my life in some ways that still feel important to me. He made me feel gorgeous, desirable, sexy, and worth driving across town at a moment’s notice to have sex and sleep the night with me. He looked at me like I was some kind of goddess, a huge surprise to him, and so far above him that he looked at me in wonder. And he was a kind and good and talented and hugely attractive man – and unavailable and inappropriate. I could have easily gone into a place where I pined after him. Wished for him. Wished for the relationship to become real. But, somewhere, I made a decision, deep down, that he was more valuable to me and my life as a friend with sex than as a man I “wanted.” I needed some kind of adventure that felt good – and he gave that to me. And to this day I consider him to be one of my “muses.” A man who made me feel good about myself. Who made me feel spontaneous and powerful – and who taught me a lot about sex, too. I basically refused to go to the pining and obsessing place. It worked for me…and may not for all. Perhaps he was unusual – or it was just that specific time in my life. Love, Rori



  39.  #39Daria on July 23, 2012 at 10:39 am

    feeling so excited!

    been playing the oraganizing the house game and its feeling lovely around here lookin around and my mood feels spiffy and i got hte fly dude wanting to cmoe see me again tonite AND

    imn gonna smoke now!



  40.  #40Daria on July 23, 2012 at 10:46 am

    lol 🙂 i want to smoke, and i keep distracting myself by accidentaly playing the organizing house game or reading the blog 🙂

    this feels lovely

    thank you Daria 🙂 this day feels super fun!



  41.  #41bloom-ing on July 23, 2012 at 10:46 am

    ((((((((((((((Daria)))))))))))))))))



  42.  #42Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

    just cuz i people appreciate my wealth

    does not mean they appreciate me ONLY for my wealth

    that is a lie

    there is a danger that they will tend that way

    that is a lie too

    i thought i had to present myself only as poor to be truly seen and honored

    and its not true

    my worth and beauty is not lost in my wealth

    my wealth is not more powerful than my heart

    my wealth is not competing with my heart

    stifling it

    dumbing it down

    buffering it

    keeping men out

    no my wealth is an outward expression of my beauty and power and worth and amazingness

    i love displaying my wealth

    i rejoice in my wealth

    i rejoice in enjoying my wealth and sharing with others and having others enjoy my wealth

    this feels scary

    i give myself permission



  43.  #43Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

    ((((((Daria)))))
    I showed my powerful biz diva last nite. Felt good.



  44.  #44Calypso on July 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I feel happy and energized on this Monday morning! I had a date with yet another new POF guy Saturday night and we really hit it off – Wow! He lives 3 hours from me, which isn’t perfect, but we both agreed that if we liked each other we could make it work and if we didn’t . . . we could avoid that awkward run-in at walmart . . . lol

    Well – he is 3 years younger than me and super HOT! He is also a Senior Engineer at a very reputible company (I already looked him up on Linkedin and everythign he told me about his work history checks out!)

    He made me laugh so hard Saturday night I nearly pee’d my pants! AND – he is a wonderful kisser . . . more please . . .

    He has already made plans to come see me in my town this weekend. We are having a big music festival and he has rented himself a hotel room and plans to spend the weekend with me – but bless him, he did not assume he could just stay with me like some men might do –

    Now I just have to relax and lean back and let him be my man. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about a first date – not since I met GM and that was a year and a half ago! Let’s call him Musicman – he loves all kinds of music and we found a little place on Saturday and listened to folk music for a couple of hours and giggled like teenagers . . . more to come on this one, i hope. He makes my heart sing silly songs ~



  45.  #45Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

    if u have wealth u wikl suffer they said because everyone will start taking from u and tkaing advantage adn taking u for granted bit by bit

    and ive been telling that story a long time

    i feel oipen to healing this

    and tlling the story

    of how my wealth is appreciated and

    i feel more honored and protected with it

    and how its an extension of my energy and i can trust myself to honor and be aware of the huge boundaries of this new expanded me

    mmmm

    i love choosing

    and ltting boulders remake to be included in huge me

    and yet im all int eh universe even with my choice i am paradox

    whirpool pulling down in water only to all become water



  46.  #46Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

    yay Miss Bells! tell more! 🙂



  47.  #47Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

    my wealth radiates around me and magnetizes people to my heart

    🙂



  48.  #48bloom-ing on July 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

    i’m feeling weird & “shutting myself up” … hm. have been doing this for a few days. don’t mind it. it’s ok if you have “secrets” little girl. sounds kind of fun : )
    awwwww i feel loved & safe thank you



  49.  #49Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

    i love eating and smoking

    i love being aware of what i breathe, eat

    touch

    hear

    imagine

    ah

    i can imagine what i want

    and hear it and also touch it

    im lettign go of my ‘must’

    ‘workout’ voice hehe

    feels silly when my body is so mindful and pleasurable

    i have these healing knowlege

    of movments that heal

    and i can use them

    and the must was preventing me

    im healing me and my mind

    im an adult human

    wow that feels

    shaking my head

    that feels

    so huge

    its the drums and the brazilian that woke me up

    wake up the joy and life in me

    forever and ever

    if ever the world goes to fire and pieces

    here i am living life

    forever

    river forever

    every on life life life

    i wave w myancestors and my children

    live life i am the sea of life

    ahhh feels mily oall the smily hugging people i am safe share

    we can bathe i tn this ewalth todes it feel good

    alet it feel so good

    oh it feels so good

    not imbpediment

    not block y and stocy tieing me down keeping me from moving easily freely

    keeping me dfrom dancing

    no this is the light in my heart

    aaaah

    spread out around me

    dancing absorbling healin gn and spreading

    al bbeaitudylf

    the beauty around me is wealth

    my wealth displays as veauty

    feeling fearless safety and not those words but the feeling of life forever i hear the smiles forever always hugging living eceryday celebrate ah ah ah

    im laive and will always be

    on on life i feel so on



  50.  #50Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:40 am

    also i like the feeling of being in a sea of smiling happy people

    and sometimes it feels sad to feel loneliness of people

    and its ok to live so many together

    we can do that now

    mmm



  51.  #51Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:42 am

    aww i dont want to feel addicted to the electronic screen and a fixed position

    i dont want to feel opressed in my day to day moments

    i want to feel happy to be in the now in the body

    and this music

    makes me feel lost sad

    ah humans

    i see and love you

    yall rock



  52.  #52Daria on July 23, 2012 at 11:45 am

    ive been brainwashed that the universe is mechanical and uncaring

    and i see that now

    and no more i dont want to have that thinking

    i choose to heal and shift my beliefs



  53.  #53goldenflower on July 23, 2012 at 11:45 am

    21: Tam
    Hi Tam and all sirens. Yes, I have been reading your news, it’s good you have been CD recently. I havent really got mine off the ground yet. I feel good about CD though. I felt my old match. profile name wasnt the best so i just changed it today. will see if i get some more interest, it involved the word love, what was i thinking??? I have stopped being worried what if Fedex sees me back on match after i said i had no interest in dating anyone else for a long time. Well, that was true at the time, it is no longer true.
    The guy i like, who i mentioned earlier in the blog, he was called Tallguy but i have upgraded him to Bearman, which we’ll abbrev to BM. Anyhow, we still have not met since that first clubnight, and then he cdnt make my clubnight as he was ill. He went to the trouble of fb friending me and then sent link to a great song. Then we msged a cpl times. Then he has “liked” loads of my posts, and commented on a couple. I leaned forward a cpl weeks ago and fb chatted to him, and he ended by saying he hoped to see me again soon. But he hsnt made any further plan to do this. Altho i made a page for my birthday night in Aug and he has ticked attend to the invite. So i guess he knows he will see me in a month!!! But its just so annoying to feel like he may want more contact but he’s not initiating, and I am sitting on my hands not to chat to him. But i will not chase. The thing is I’v heard from a pal that he’s quite shy and maybe insecure about putting self out there. So, even though it cd be contrued as chasing I am going to be at a venue he will also be at on Thursday. I am hoping it will at last give him a chance to talk to me and i can judge from there if i even like him as a potential CD. I dont even know him yet, just like what he’s written so far and my friend says he’s a lovely guy.
    Am i chasing too much already? I’m open to him not being right foir me, but just want the chance to find out in person. This distanced fb thing is getting a bit too much.
    I feel annoyed at myself that i am placing so much importance on this imagined guy, who i don’t know yet. Fb gives me false impressions of people. I feel an urgency to meet him again so i can place him in the maybe, like , or dislike category. Does this sound healthy or unhealthy? Meanwhile i am also back on match.com so I can hopefully have some more CDs to keep me going and keep my options open.
    I had quite a sireny saturday eve, went home with a cute columbian guy who I have no intention of seeing again. I dont do this very much but I felt it helped to regain my confidence, it was not planned at all. It seems to have broken the Fedex spell. Which is great. Interested in a lovely guy i will call icecream, IC, but i know he’s too young for me. One of those you just look at and go wow. Still i feel good to be interested in afew different men rather than just one.
    Any tips on how to be leaned back yet inviting on Thurs with BM. Open my heart, imagine a pool of gold?



  54.  #54siren song on July 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Dancing Siren,

    I never felt totally relaxed and secure with the guy i dated who was an addict. my intuition was telling me something and i ignored it.

    trust your feelings…



  55.  #55Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    “In an acting class, everyone is there to support you doing this. Everyone wants to learn to be fearless. Everyone wants to get into their feelings and express them. Everyone knows that this is the highest calling of an actor. Everyone is trying to get past their emotional obstacles. Everyone wants to loosen up. Everyone wants to be in touch with themselves, and everyone wants to share everything about themselves with everyone else in this room. And we are all equally challenged.
    So how can you take this experience from an acting class into your regular life and work with it? Well I know that after only two classes I am much much much more expressive with my husband. I am much, much, much more fearless. So, you could take an acting class. You could take an improvisation class. And if none of that is available you can practice in the bathroom. You can create your own safe space in your bedroom.
    So try this:
    Write yourself a speech. Write yourself a monologue. Write it about a woman who wants something. And write about what it feels like to want that thing. Now memorize that speech. Now find yourself a safe place where you’re all alone. Imagine that there are people standing in front of you and lights shining on you, and that everyone is rooting for you. And now let the speech out. Share the speech and while you share the words of the speech, see how you’re feeling.
    See if you’re going numb. See if you’re weaving around the room and leaning from side to side and moving your arms around. See if you can make yourself be very, very still. See if you can breathe while you’re saying the speech. Now let’s try some other things — and Judith is going to help us through me.
    Write down some reasons why you’re saying the speech (and of course imagine someone in particular that you’re saying the speech to). Write down what it is you really, truly want to say — even if the words themselves aren’t saying those things.
    And try some extreme ideas: try begging and pleading. Try trying to punish the person you’re talking to. See how the words come out differently without you trying to do anything when your objective is to beg and plead for something as opposed to trying to punish someone for something.
    What this exercise can do for you is to help you see that the way you use words is completely flexible. You can even say I hate you too man without trying to punish him, or attack him, or plead for him to do something. You can say I hate you while what you really are trying to tell him is that I love you.
    As you experiment with this you will see that the old ways of saying things and doing things aren’t necessary anymore”.

    Rori



  56.  #56bloom-ing on July 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    fw, feeling so inspired right now taking in what you are saying… (((((femininewoman)))))



  57.  #57Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    “Because when you practice openingu p with a man you don’t “love” – all of a sudden you start to love him. It’s because intimacy makes love.

    Because love isn’t about HIM – it’s about YOU – and so if you are finally, blissfully able to express yourself without holding back and feel safe and loved in the presence of a man (this is why we fall in love with our therapists) – you will feel LOVE for him!!!

    If you’re just going through the motions of physical sex – there’s no gain for you here. There’s nothing to learn. It becomes about hoping HE will feel something through the sex – and, yes, he will – if that’s the kind of man he is – AND if YOU are opening up to him and he CARES about you – but he just can’t do this intimacy thing by HIMSELF!!!

    And if you are opening up and sharing yourself with a man who does not care – who is not capable of holding the space for you to be intimate with him, who is NOT SAFE – THIS is where we women get into trouble.

    The reason we do this thing – this opening up with a man who is NOT SAFE, who does NOT CARE…is that — to us, he IS safe!!

    Meaning – he CANNOT do intimacy.

    A man who cannot do intimacy – when we pick this up subconsciously (if we are sufficiently afraid of intimacy and of being who we are and loving all the dark parts of ourselves along with the light parts) – we feel safe.

    We feel safe from scary intimacy.

    And so we let go and surrender to the WRONG SITUATION.

    The one that actually PROMISES – distance!!”



  58.  #58bloom-ing on July 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    rori is such an interpersonal genius. i aspire to & want that feeling of good communication : ))



  59.  #59Mel on July 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Blooming,

    “but i’m also learning to allow affection without expecting sxx & it felt so amazing to receive his sleepy kisses without wanting anything else or feeling like accepting crumbs : ))) yummy : )”

    I love this! It is my intention to learn how to do this better… 🙂

    Thanks!



  60.  #60Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    And the weird thing – giving up is the best way to fight!

    If you can continue to turn your attention to yourself, feel as great as you can, that’s the starting point.

    Use the Tool in my Reconnect Your Relationship program, Change Everything – that means change your hair color and style (keep it as long as possible, no short cuts), change the clothes and colors you wear – in fact pick one color (pink, red, baby blue, lavender) and wear it ALL the time – change your makeup, do things that make you feel sexy. Show your body, wear lace, wear jewelry – whatever feels good.

    A pole dancing, or erotic dancing class is a terrific, fun way to really “get into yourself.” (Remember – this isn’t for HIM, it’s for YOU.)

    And FLIRT. You don’t have to actually go out with other men to talk to them in public places, to allow them to come up to you and start conversations, to flirt at parties.

    Get mysterious by really having fun on your own. I’m not talking about lectures at the library, I’m talking about dancing, art openings, walks at the beach.

    This will all change how you feel about YOU, and it will start to turn you into the MOST desireable woman – you’ll get a higher Degree of Difficulty, and that’s your best chance of turning things around.

    In a way – he has to look at you fresh.

    How does this look like “giving up?” Because it has nothing to do with HIM. You’re not talking to him about repairing the relationship, you’re not asking him to not think about this woman, or not write emails to himself – you’re focused on YOU.

    And, at the same time, you feel the way you feel. You don’t pretend to be all chipper and happy and upbeat. If you’re feeling upset and sad, then feel those things – just don’t engage him in a conversation about it, unless he asks.

    I know this is the complete opposite of what we all instinctively want to do. We want to simply go to our man, shake him, and make him do and feel what we want him to do and feel. And we can’t. It doesn’t work.

    The way to attract a man in a situation like this is to move AWAY from him, not TOWARD him. And at the same time, whenever he DOES come toward you – that’s the time to be open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm. It’s NOT the time to show your anger and distress by attacking him or trying to get him to do something or to understand you.

    Being open, adventurous, loving, flirty and warm means you feel what you feel – perhaps wonderful because you’re taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun, perhaps sad and angry because you miss him in the relationship.

    No matter what you’re feeling – you WELCOME him INTO your feelings. You open your heart, let him see whatever’s going on there, let him talk, let him do and say what he does and says, and you respond from your heart.

    That could look like: “It feels good to be lying here with you.”

    It could also look like “I was feeling so angry and sad, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even let you near me…and it feels good just to let you close…”

    Good luck to Mimi, and plese let me know your story – and your thoughts – too.

    Love, Rori



  61.  #61Tam on July 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    that post helped me today FW, thank you..



  62.  #62Amy on July 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Random question, but what is the difference between being open to another idea when it comes to plans and excepting crumbs from your guy? Just curious to read people’s thoughts…



  63.  #63Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I only remember male singers in relation to my being “turned-on” by them – by the sound, by the pictures of them – as if their singing and celebrity had some hold over me. And because they were so far away, really, from my life – it was more of the same “unavailable man” thing.

    But this Tool works differently.

    You pick a song sung by a man, and he sings to YOU about his love for you.

    And – you allow yourself to revel in it, to feel it, to experience it, to move with it, to feel turned on a sexy with it – from a place of POWER.

    YOU are the one turning on the song and listening to it.

    YOU deserve the love, you receive the love, you are the SOURCE of DEESIRE for the singer.

    Also try this – once you’ve experienced this feeling of surrender to being WANTED and DESIRED by the singer of the song, take that FEELING out into the world.

    When you’re walking around, remember how it feels to have masculine energy and love coming TOWARD YOU – and remember how it feels to let that in – to RECEIVE that love.”



  64.  #64Starla on July 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    My coworker asked me to marry him today (again).

    I always laugh it off and say no, but he is basically serious. And it is such a gift, because i’m always terrified of breaking hearts, except that I do say no to him all the time, and it’s no big deal.

    love to me.



  65.  #65Daria on July 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    SPIRIT is in dance … in mindful body movments



  66.  #66Francesca on July 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Starla, wow…



  67.  #67Daria on July 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    conditioned to be depressed to be sad by myself

    to use my thoughts to comtemplate the sad powerlessness of the ‘human condition’

    no more!

    🙂

    im waking up

    thank you Elegua thank you musicians who sing liveliness in where the trauma was shutting me down

    im alive

    i feel my body alive and the drained limp drained of essence being of me that had been sucked of happiness

    is alive

    and moving

    and im smiling

    thank you sun goddess life

    water



  68.  #68Daria on July 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    insted of ‘Organize” the House’ game

    im going to play the “Change the House” game

    whoa

    way diff feeling and feels way exciting and powerful and fun!

    thanks Feminine Woman and Rori for the babysteps to my new game!

    everytime i enter a room im going to play the change the house game

    WAHOO yeahhhh

    🙂



  69.  #69Starla on July 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    i can say no and still go to lunch with him
    i can say no and still chat with him
    i can say no
    it’s great
    i can say no!
    hallelujah!



  70.  #70Daria on July 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    OMG I LOVE This game yall!

    its like this, Change the /House game, everytime you play, you change something in the room you are in

    so that means if you have dishes and that means u decide to carry them downstairs

    then downstairs you are there, so now you put the dishes there, and also change one thing about the kitchen

    and so on in every room!

    it feels fun!

    sometimes i drift off in unaware thinking, and im doing more than one

    I WANT TO TAKE CHARGE OF MY THINKING!

    so i can feel this wonderful spirit joy i feel listening to this elegua music all the time !



  71.  #71Daria on July 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    wow im having great personal relationship perspective change transformations



  72.  #72FlowerChild77 on July 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Miss Bells, I just clicked on your ‘name’ and checked out your website. AWESOME!! 🙂

    I subscribed to your newsletter, but I don’t ever want my real name on the blog, here. (I think you probably already understand that.)

    I’ll be looking forward to your newsletters 🙂



  73.  #73Smile on July 23, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    69- Daria! Ha this game sounds fun. Thank you for making me feel giggly today 



  74.  #74FlowerChild77 on July 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    ((((Dancing Siren)))) I see so much growth in you and I can ‘feel’ how centered you are in your Siren-ness.

    There is always a chance he might decide to get sober. Many times it takes losing something they want/need to finally choose between that and the addiction. (Family/wife/partner and in some cases, their drivers’ license or job.)

    They say in Al-Anon that the only way we can help them…is to help ourselves first. I know this has been bothering you for quite some time. Even though it hurts, does you feel some sort of relief in making this decision?

    We’re here for you <3



  75.  #75Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Flowerchild Hello!

    It feels so nice to see you 🙂

    I don’t know. I mean I’m not on the floor in floods of tears. But then it doesn’t feel great either.

    Sometimes it feels like a relief, and then my heart just feels sad.

    I mean I don’t even really know if he is an addict, or how much of one he is, if that makes sense.

    What I am hoping for is a Rori Raye 3rd way option, if at all possible.

    The thought of ‘breaking up’ feels icky and painful to me right now.

    But I don’t want o drag myself through the mill with him either.

    I am hoping to find ways to stay upbeat and positive and focus on me. And not cut him out cold, but still live my boundaries.

    I could perhaps keep him in my rotation?

    It always feels so hard because when I move away he tends to come towards me and keeps reminding me he loves me and he only wants me and stuff.

    It gets hard to maintain the distance.

    But I know I can focus on me.

    And I have a right to maintain the distance, if I don’t want what is being offered.

    I feel mean and I suppose I don’t really want what he is.

    And that isn’t fair.

    His love feels good. But I cannot accept him as he is.

    The other thing that feels confusing to me, its only recently that I have changed, and I used to take dr8gs sometimes myself.

    So it feels kinda weird now to be rejecting someone for doing something I used to do until fairly recently.

    But I have been moving away from it all for a long time really, and now it just feels unacceptable to me.

    I seem to feel really strongly about it, but it still feels confusing.



  76.  #76Starla on July 23, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    “The other thing that feels confusing to me, its only recently that I have changed, and I used to take dr8gs sometimes myself.

    So it feels kinda weird now to be rejecting someone for doing something I used to do until fairly recently.”

    Doesn’t matter. You have every right to say to yourself and others, “this is where I’m headed now, so if you’re not headed there too without me having to piggyback you, then I’m going to run ahead in this race without you”

    You deserve it!!!!!!!



  77.  #77Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Starla,

    Yeah I know.

    Thanks 🙂

    Still feels weird.

    And you are right.



  78.  #78Smile on July 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    I feel nearly ready to start my next chapter



  79.  #79Starla on July 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    it will feel weird, totally. and you might find yourself wanting more to do those very things you are saying you don’t do now! Like the urge will become stronger to drink or do dr8gs. Funny human brains.



  80.  #80Smile on July 23, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I feel open to seeing the things I need to see



  81.  #81Smile on July 23, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    I feel more self aware

    I feel respect for myself

    I feel in control

    I feel inspired



  82.  #82Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Starla re 78

    Why do you think that might happen?

    Just curious…



  83.  #83Annie on July 23, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Re 59 femininewoman, after doing the seven steps and inner bonding though, when he does come toward me I don’t feel able and don’t want to be flirty with him anymore.

    I now feel repelled.
    I don’t want him to touch me, I feel sick to be anywhere near him.
    I just feel sad at myself for all the time I wasted.
    And what I tolerated.
    I feel happy,calm and peaceful when I am not in the same building.
    The complete opposite of how I used to feel.

    Sigh, it is what it is.



  84.  #84Femininewoman on July 23, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Re 81 It is a human tendency to crave what you don’t have. Like craving food you take out of your diet



  85.  #85Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    So-if i want HS to crave me I should become very unavailable…



  86.  #86Rebecca on July 23, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Hmmm

    I was thinking, I wonder why Iack so much self discipline and organisational skills in my life. I think it’s because the only person ever to tell me off was my mum, my dad never did. He was either at work or when he was at home he was always busy doing other stuff. I felt a bit neglected. Though I really know that’s not true, and I feel bad for thinking that.

    I really want to work on thisself discipline.. Being organised. Why can everyone else do it apart from me? Hmmm… Other people make it look so easy. I know I shouldn’t say that but its the truth..



  87.  #87Rebecca on July 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Hmmm

    I was thinking, I wonder why Iack so much self discipline and organisational skills in my life. I think it’s because the only person ever to tell me off was my mum, my dad never did. He was either at work or when he was at home he was always busy doing other stuff. I felt a bit neglected. Though I really know that’s not true, and I feel bad for thinking that.

    I really want to work on thisself discipline.. Being organised. Why can everyone else do it apart from me? Hmmm… Other people make it look so easy. I know I shouldn’t say that but its the truth..



  88.  #88Francesca on July 23, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Rebecca,

    Start with a little bit everyday for a whole week, do what makes you feel comfortable first.

    Then add some more after, something that you feel awkward with, for instance.

    As weeks go by, you’ll find it easier to be more self-disciplined without even thinking about it because it will kind of become second nature.



  89.  #89Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Rebecca–I am an organizer. Not my main biz anymore, but it was…
    You are SOOOO not the only one.
    It is more than buying a book or “self-discipline” You may have some internal conflicts about order.
    Creating order is an inside job.



  90.  #90Vi on July 23, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    I feel like my body is the most adorable place to be : ))



  91.  #91Jasmine on July 23, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Hello Sirens!!

    I just had a delicious cheese cake and it felt soooo good to have it, it had been a while since I wanted one sooo bad. But uuhhh what a stomachache I have right now!!!



  92.  #92Jasmine on July 23, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    I want to CD sooo baddd. Ahhh! I wish I could have a Thor. Such a macho!!

    I might just watch the movie now haha



  93.  #93Jasmine on July 23, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    90 – Well said Vi!!!



  94.  #94Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I feel frustrated.



  95.  #95Starla on July 23, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    Dancing Siren,
    Nothing major, don’t worry! I just mean as soon as you declare definitively to yourself and others around you that you’re on a new path, and they’re welcome to join you but you’ll be neither hanging back at the bottom of the trail with them any more nor dragging them up the mountain, you might find yourself wanting to be “bad” more than ever, ESPECIALLY if others around you truly do change their lives. And in secret, haha, so no one thinks you’re a hypocrite. I really didn’t mean it as a big deal… just a little “don’t be too hard on yourself if you end up feeling this way…”

    for example, when my best friend drank like a fish, I didn’t drink at all. I wanted her to be like me, so I led by example. Then she got pregnant and COULDN’T drink, so I suddenly felt like indulging in alcohol.



  96.  #96Linda on July 23, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Hi Sirens

    GOLDENFLOWER! welcome back I have hoped you would return soon. I would love an opportunity to corrensponde with you via email if you are willing. My contact is lindor59@hotmail.com. What you wrote me days ago helped me so much! I would like to share it with you!

    ——-

    well after all my little stories and my victory of sticking on my bridge. I have been reflective this evening. I am feeling gratitude and thankful for the guiding I had from within myself about this recent CD. Yeah he was different, a little bit exciting at first but I am so glad that I followed my gut . I looked back just now over all the text he sent me last week. Boy !! he layed it on really thick. I felt smothered in false flatery, then him taking extra care to tell me he told his mom about me ! (after one date)… the guys at work too!… Oh and dont forget texting me that romantic way too. Telling me he just wanted to watch me sleep.. on an on it went! Kinda gives me the creeps now. Yeah unsurprisingly distant after I gave him my speech on what I was an was not looking for and feelings of being pressured by him. I am thinking if he was really interested in pursuing something with me then he would not have backed off so quickly.
    OH yes he did contacted me today via text. and he called me too. He was very different (which does not matter to me at all)… sounded disconnected and friend/aloof almost. Boy last week you would think that the sun rose and set in me (haha) … this week, cordial and friendly but not pursuing me or a relationship in any form. Ahhhh, I had a feeling that he being ungenuine with me. He was after something else than a caring relationship like he said he was looking for. My antenna did not fail me nor did I fail to pay attention to what they were picking up on.
    Yeah ME! I dont want a man in my life that isn’t going to pay attention and respect me an my wishes and boundries. I never told him I was not interested in him or did not appreciate his attention and compliments…. I just asked him to stop with the sexual comments and pressure.

    With his behavior since I say I was spot on! He was looking for a sex and not a relationship.

    I can only assume that I diverted another trainwreck for myself. I feel wiser and on my toes.

    I love my gut and what it says to me. It is never been wrong.

    Furthermore, I am at peace with a smile on the inside and outside tonight.

    Linda



  97.  #97Starla on July 23, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    I’m the yummy pie:)



  98.  #98Belle on July 23, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Dancing Siren,

    re: “The other thing that feels confusing to me, its only recently that I have changed, and I used to take dr8gs sometimes myself.”

    I felt the same way, even just a few days ago. I told a guy who had asked me out “no” because there were so many red flags we never even made it to a date.
    I felt so sick and anxious when I set a boundary with him, that I literally felt like I might die. I felt trembling and nausea and noticed all of the thoughts that came up around feeling like I was rejecting myself. “Oh, I still have a little drama in my life, who am I to reject someone who lives on drama? I am still learning about boundaries, who am I to reject someone with bad boundaries?”
    What I came to realize for myself is that we are not rejecting the other person, or ourselves, what we are rejecting are behaviors that we know do not SERVE US. They are only behaviors.
    I spent a lot of time looking outside myself thinking, “well, so and so has a daily pot habit and I know these amazing guys who work for Big Name Software company who do all kind of drugs and have amazing lives and this other person is straight edge and gets along with this other girl who I know runs with drug dealers and does crack so I should be able to do that, too!”
    Ugh.
    No.
    We do what works for us. For all we know other people are looking outside of themselves for models to break free of the crap and we could be setting the standard 🙂

    I’m still feeling pain and weary, and more calm and peaceful. I had been feeling so manic with all of the big and small emotional releases happening and felt ashamed of being so wired when I talked to a friend, who seemed to be delighted with my “jack russell terrier” energy.

    Last night I dreamed I was dancing with a man, who then went on to dance with another woman. I shed a few tears and the dream narrator told me, “you feel sad because you don’t see any other possibilities.”
    So, so right. It feels so scary to let go of the one known thing I’ve been fixated on for so long.

    I feel so sensitive and raw. I left work early again today, feeling trapped and a little distressed and also calm and capable. The little one inside was simply in so much pain so I took myself home again to lie down and listen to Sedona Method cd’s for a while and drink water.

    I feel some concern, a little fear, because I will have to take out a payday loan to pay rent if I take any more time off. I also feel more and more like the job is just so terrible and I really need to go and can see how the drama with the boy at work was helping me avoid that because I didn’t know what else to do. It was the first decent-paying job I’ve had in a long time.
    I feel like I am so so so very good at intuitive work, and am very very good at what I call “body whispering”, and feel unsure of how to get that started or how I could receive money doing it.
    I asked my inner being again to reward me for honoring myself rather than punishing and all there is to do is ride this out, honor myself, and trust life.



  99.  #99Memulo on July 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    I choose to believe that when he is ready he will come looking for me.



  100.  #100Lily Medusa on July 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    @ Smile from last thread 234 –

    You wrote, “When he said he was feeling tired of doing all the work because you are leaning back, this is what tools were working here BUT how do we get the balance? Do we lean forward just a little every now and then or do we use feeling messages to communicate how we enjoy him leaning forward, to share how good it makes us feel so he will want to do it more!? What do you think?”

    Smile – I have the same question. I have been leaning back to the max with J for the past several months. I mean, I pretty much have been letting him wait on me hand and foot. Whenever I was with him I’d refuse to pay for anything and letting him cook all my meals, clean up after both of us… I’d never, ever call or text him and let him do all the contacting, all the planning… I just leaned back and went with everything that felt good. He dealt with it great until very recently. For 2 weeks he has been expressing annoyance and resentment that I’m leaving it all up to him. And he’s been pushing me to contribute more. For example, when we spend a weekend together he has been asking me to chip in a few dollars here and there towards food, etc. (He pays for most things.)

    I’m feeling confused. I don’t want to lose the good feeling of being taken care of… and I also don’t want to feel guilty for not “contributing” to things we do together. So this week I’ve been “giving” a little more to him… I rubbed his back a couple of times and I chipped in a few dollars for food. Is this a mistake?? 🙁 When I ask myself that question, I notice myself trying to add up all the things he has done for me against the few things I have done for him lately… kind of like a scorecard…



  101.  #101Lily Medusa on July 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    This “keeping score” thing I’m doing doesn’t feel good! 🙁 🙁 And it doesn’t lead me to any real answers.

    I can see that I am overanalyzing. I feel gears grinding in my brain. Drippy smelly oil coating my insides. It feels like a misfire. It feels yucky in my stomach.

    I want to get centered. I want to feel good. Love to me. I love me, I forgive me.

    I feel tired



  102.  #102Lily Medusa on July 23, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I feel drained

    I don’t want to see or hear or talk to my roommate

    She just walked in the door and I feel blaahhhh

    I don’t want to hide in my room

    I want to be somewhere I love (somewhere with trees) (somewhere safe) (somewhere where I’m wanted) (where I want to be)

    I want to feel good about where I am

    I want to feel SAFE… I feel afraid of losing things and people, of not having enough, of having something taken away from me.

    ((((me))))



  103.  #103Starla on July 23, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    Lily, I wonder if you were more authentically leaning back, he wouldn’t feel like it’s all on him? like maybe he feels your vibe in expecting/needing attention from him, and it’s making him extra sensitive to being the masculine energy (because it’s not totally his choice when he feels the pressure)

    if this doesn’t resonate for you feel free to disregard.



  104.  #104Dancing Siren on July 23, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    So S started texting me.

    And I could tell he had been drinking.

    For a while I went to trauma and panic and got all ‘junky’ behaviour with it myself.

    I felt worried he would do something stupid and I felt panicky and guilty.

    Then I managed to calm down and breath.

    Its weird but although this is really sh8t, I also feel strangely calm in a way too.

    Like coming to accept the reality of this situation and knowing that its not my fault, and really the only thing to do is to take care of myself.

    I don’t even feel annoyed at myself for bringing this in… I just wonder why I am here?

    I was hoping I would be able to sleep and unfortunately not.



  105.  #105Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    (((Dancing Siren)))
    my ToxicEx was in recovery and stayed sober as far as I know the whole time I was with him. However, there was drama and lies anyway…not about alcohol/drugs but about random other things like money and jealousy and other women and his kids etc etc.. I had a hard time setting boundaries and sticking to them…so the drama continued.

    You seem to be really good with your boundaries and that is GREAT. Keep it up miss siren.



  106.  #106Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Lily M
    Yes the keeping score thing does feel bad…Gosh I hate this feeling and I know what you’re talking about. hmmm
    perhaps when he askes you to “chip in” you could use a feeling message like “It feels so great to feel taken care of” or “I feel turned on when men are generous and take care of me”

    Or as I like to say oopsies I don’t have any cash on me hahaha….



  107.  #107Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    R is back to ignoring me. Every time of closeness is followed by silence or hurtfulness. And he knows loneliness is my biggest issue, so I think it is intentional.

    My friend, Cris, told me, ” he is ur gate 2 hell, not 2 everlasting love, love is so easy, natural, not a torment, not a purgatory.”

    Yikes. I am dating online and I had a date this afternoon that went well. I can’t just go on and on with no lasting joy.



  108.  #108Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    I feel like two summers ago I was in such a good place…i was having the best time at work (my old job) and just felt free like things were all falling into place. Now I don’t feel like that at all….:(

    I really don’t know what to do to shift….

    Maybe I’m addicted to love and I’m in withdrawals because I have not had a significant man in my life for a while..and Im feeling really in a funk and sad…I CD myself and friends but took myself off all the dating websites AGAIN….

    I realized I am so skeptical of guys I meet online and I feel literally SCARED to meet them like they could be axe murderers….that I cannot open up enough to have a decent first date with any of them. I turn into a robot and want the night to be OVER. Ack. I suck at dating. I need to drink to feel relaxed and that’s a bad thing.



  109.  #109Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    107 Radlove he could be rubberbanding…give it some time and perhaps don’t think of it as “ignoring”…??? or intentional….



  110.  #110Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    You know I just realized my boyfriends that I had long relationships with never really “rubberbanded” with me at all. They were just there as a presence from one day to the next and loved me. I’ve had about 3 of those relationships. I MISS that so much. This is when I get to thinking about the past WAY too much and I cannot get into the present moment and dream for a future. Help.



  111.  #111Lily Medusa on July 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Starla, your comment switches a light on for me. Authentically leaning back! I realize: I have expectations! And there’s a couple of BIG things right now that I’ve been “wanting” HIM to do!

    Ok ok ok time to get in my girl and get centered. This will feel so good.



  112.  #112Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I have not been drinking at all lately, but when I have met my boyfriends from the past, 2 out of the 3 times I was in a drinking environment when I met them.

    I was not drinking when I met Recycled but it was at a bar.

    I was drinking when I met LawEx but not toxic ex.



  113.  #113Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I have been feeling nostalgic for old job and wishing I’d journaled while working there and regret not taking better documentation of my life. Oh well I have pictures with co workers and events etc…but I want to revisit that summer and capture my feelings.

    Although I did just shred 7 pages of old “journaling” and a letter to my sister from 2007 and 1992 that made me sick to read. I was a f-ing train wreck and it made me sad.
    (((Younger Emerson)))



  114.  #114Lily Medusa on July 23, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Emerson – lol – I also use the “oopsies, I don’t have any cash on me” trick often. Or I’ll just happen to wander away when we get to checkout. I don’t feel very authentic doing that though.

    I could say “I feel turned on when you are generous and take care of me.” I like how that feels.

    Last night after sex I said “I feel like a WOMAN!” He got a great big grin on his face… hee hee



  115.  #115Jasmine on July 23, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Radlove,

    How is he ignoring you?



  116.  #116Emerson on July 23, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Sirens sorry Im spamming the blog 🙂 🙂



  117.  #117Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Emerson,’

    109 – I appreciate your feedback! I am trying, as per the last blog thread about “ignoring”. It could also be that he is giving ME space in the relationship to see where I am at. Because truly, our subject matter about the incident three years ago was quite intense.

    I felt ok about it until now. I just wanted to be with him. It feels bad to think he doesn’t feel the same way.

    But I will assume the best of him and just assume he is rubberbanding like you said. Just try to keep my feelings at friendship level.



  118.  #118Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Jasmine,

    Throughout most of our relationship, every time we connect and I feel most close to him, he goes silent. It hurts. Loneliness is my biggest issue, and he knows that.

    But like I said, maybe he is just giving space to see where I am at after our deep discussion. Being with him aroused strong, strong feelings in me, and I have felt like I am exploding to not be able to express them. I feel such a deep love for him.



  119.  #119Jasmine on July 23, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Radlove,

    I am really sorry. I thought things would go better after your date.



  120.  #120Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    What I think is that he keeps me on the edge of pain.



  121.  #121Rebecca on July 23, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Francesca

    Thanks for your advice. The problem is I am so erratic to start with. One minute I will be manically organised, the next I am all over the place and people think that I am very, very dizzy…

    Like certain things I am very organised with. I can really help other people organise their lives but I can’t do it for myself. Why is that I’m not so sure? I also am very good about boosting other peoples confidence..

    I think I just generally hate looking at my own life. I find I am so hard on myself all the time. All I see is that I haven’t done this, this and this…

    I feel I am so like my dad, and so negative and angry at myself all the time. I never feel relaxed… I also get very, very jealous of others…



  122.  #122Rebecca on July 23, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Francesca

    Thanks for your advice. The problem is I am so erratic to start with. One minute I will be manically organised, the next I am all over the place and people think that I am very, very dizzy…

    Like certain things I am very organised with. I can really help other people organise their lives but I can’t do it for myself. Why is that I’m not so sure? I also am very good about boosting other peoples confidence..

    I think I just generally hate looking at my own life. I find I am so hard on myself all the time. All I see is that I haven’t done this, this and this…

    I feel I am so like my dad, and so negative and angry at myself all the time. I never feel relaxed… I also get very, very jealous of others…



  123.  #123Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    For me, this is an exercise in not holding expectations. If I try to hold him at platonic friendship level, he owes me no contact on a daily basis.

    Easier said than done.



  124.  #124Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Rebecca,

    122 I so relate! My own organization is all wrapped up with emotions. Someone else’s has no emotions attached.



  125.  #125Radlove on July 23, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Jasmine,

    I think they will get better still. I think maybe he is testing me. But trying to stay out of his head and just work on not pinning expectations on him.



  126.  #126Rebecca on July 23, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    Miss Bells

    Yes, I do believe it is internal conflict with me. I get freaked out about things really quickly and usually flee from it as quickly as possible. I find it very hard to move out of my comfort zone…

    I think I am a dreamer, and this is my comfort zone. I’m a grass is always greener kind of person and I never feel like I have ‘arrived’ somewhere, I’m always looking for the next challenge..

    Hmmm…

    I wonder if some of it comes from my mum. She was always telling me to take it easy, and that I was doing ‘too much’. I have alwats been very molly coddled…



  127.  #127Jasmine on July 23, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Radlove,

    “I think they will get better still”

    Thinking things will get better is an expectation.



  128.  #128Starla on July 23, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    I honestly haven’t cleaned my house in weeks or longer… maybe months?
    I am cleaning now, but it took my apartment complex calling me to schedule a repair for tomorrow for me to get my butt in gear.



  129.  #129Rebecca on July 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Dancing Siren

    It sounds like this man is dragging you down with his behaviour. And I feel worried for you.



  130.  #130Memulo on July 23, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    Radlove,

    I would not contact him until I hear from him. Tools work, try them 😉



  131.  #131Turquoise on July 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    I’m still walking my plan, every day since Tuesday, one day I did it twice. (April Rose, my plan I’m referring to is my housing plan.) It’s 1.6 miles all the way around, and lots of hills, so it’s challenging… but getting easier! I’m so proud of myself for sticking with it. It’s hot and humid, and I could easily tell myself I’ll just do it every other day… but nope, every single day!

    I feel a switch in me today and wonder if I’ll see a difference in how he relates to me. Mr. Conversation and I had a really good conversation Friday night where he told me that he wants us to chill and enjoy. That he can handle that. He feels we have a good thing and wants us to see what happens. He also said he doesn’t want to see other people… which I’ve yet to discuss with him since I haven’t seen him. I was feeling disappointed he hasn’t asked to see me, even put off making plans because he may have asked me and I wanted to be available. Pathetic! I am stronger and wiser than that. I hear from him every day, mostly normal day to day stuff, plus exchanging business ideas and encouraging each other. He’s mentioned to me several times he wants a partner. Someone to push, encourage, motivate, inspire each other, etc. He’s very entreprenurial. But so anyways, my girls are going to be away at camp next week and I started making plans already! I am hosting a girls night at my house next Wednesday night with a tarot card reader, and I’m so super excited! 🙂 Wine, food, my best friends and something different. I had my cards read by this reader in May and it was crazy how right she was. I’m curious to hear what she’ll say now.

    So, even though I was telling Conversation I had no expectations, I totally did. I was just waiting for him to ask to see me, without me bringing it up… but still putting it out there that I didn’t have plans, so transparent, and to him it could FEEL like an expectation. I just had maybe plans. I ended up having a wonderful weekend with my girls; movies, eating out, shopping, sunning and swimming. But while they are gone, I want to be busy, so filling up my time ahead, which is how I like to plan!

    C called today and we laughed and talked about the girls. We were having a nice conversation, but he got another call. I wonder what he’s thinking. I never call him anymore. I email him stuff about the girls. but it’s pretty brief and basic. His new girlfriend emailed me on FB to thank me for my generous hospitality and to tell me how wonderful my girls are. At first I thought it was a little weird, but decided it was fine, and I replied that it was nice to meet her too, and that the girls enjoyed the weekend meeting her. It would be in all of our best interests to get along if they end up serious. I feel very accepting of what is. I don’t want to fight. I ust want to enjoy my life, make the best of things and dream about the future.

    Right now my dream is to have a beach body and a vacation planned either with a hot man, or my best girlfriends. I’m eally going to focus on my candy business this fall and save up money for a trip. Those are the goals right now, save money, get in shape, and enjoy my life as much as possible. I feel so good about that.

    I also feel the difference, just tonight, in truly just being ok where you are, not forcing an issue or pressuring, or running away and needing closure when it’s not moving as fast as I’d like, which is totally my normal thing to do. I’ve wanted to walk away from him so many times because I’m READY for a relationship and he’s not. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve dated who weren’t ready, but 6 months later, with the next girl, they get MARRIED! So, instead of needing things to work out my way, on my time table, to only date one guy at a time and restrict myself to that, plus then pressure them…. I actually WANT to focus on me and be open to what might happen. Yeah me! I feel like I really learned something today. Not sure exactly how it happened, but once I started making my girls night plans, I got excited and focused on that, and not on what night he might want to see me. 🙂 The truth is, he likes me. He’s told me that repeatedly, he likes what we have, he loves our talks, he’s told me I’ve been a better friend to him than anyone else in a really long time, he’s going through a ton and isn’t bolting on me…. we talk everything through. This feels good. So, I’m going to just keep focusing on that, all my goals and plans and fun things I’m adding to my charmed life, and be open to whatever may happen. 🙂



  132.  #132siren song on July 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    i feel hungry.

    and mellow.

    i feel so much better now that i’m not someone’s girlfriend.

    i have 3 dates this week! i feel nervous.



  133.  #133P-lala on July 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Wow, Turquoise! It sounds like you’re really honoring what feels good and doing what makes you happy. It feels so great to see someone making such good choices for herself. I feel inspired.



  134.  #134Jilly on July 23, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Turquoise…wow…your post feels amazing to read!!!



  135.  #135Jilly on July 23, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    things still feel just as amazing with Rugby Man!!

    On Saturday, he took me to the phone store and bought me a new iPhone and we are now on a family plan together!!! And it felt so easy and right.

    We talked about moving in together…in October, when I’m done with school…

    he told me I’m the most important thing in his life…

    (((((Rugby Man)))) ((((men))))

    How did I get so lucky???!!!! 🙂



  136.  #136Turquoise on July 23, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    Awwww jilly 🙂 what a wonderful thing for him to say… And look how it’s all turning out! You were settling for pilot, but followed your instincts with that, changed your life (job, school) and now look wher you are! You inspire me ya know! Thank you!

    Thanks plala 😉 I have caught myself going back to old thoughts and triggers so easily. Finally, I just asked myself, what would happen if this time you DON’T. Don’t give the speech, don’t push for closure, don’t lean forward too much….. And just be. Just react and respond, warmly and openly. I have no idea what will happen, but it feels good to do something differently. To use what I’ve learned here. But the main thing that’s helping me is the exercise. I clear my head, feel good that I’m doing something good for me, I’m being accountable to others… And I’m really visualizing myself on a beach with a blue drink in my hand. I look healthy, happy and gorgeous 🙂 its 6 months away if I work hard and stick to it. I’ve been talking about losing weight, up and down for years, it’s so far beyond the time that I should have done this… No more
    Waiting. I’m really excited about this and it’s all for me!



  137.  #137Starla on July 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    yay jilly
    where did you meet rugbyman?



  138.  #138Starla on July 23, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    yay turquoise, i can so see you on that beach with that blue drink:)



  139.  #139Miss Bells on July 23, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    i am beginning to hate him a little bit…



  140.  #140Tam on July 24, 2012 at 12:32 am

    Ugh, I am overanalysing and realise it’s my disease speaking ‘I have made a mistake, it’s my fault, I am not good enough’. Here it is rearing its ugly head again.
    He has gone stone cold on me…meanwhile I updated my POF pics, of course he saw that also – and now he has gone offfline on our chat thing. A couple of weeks ago he went online, when we got close and he never logged out, as he thought I was in a bad way and it was kind of his way to say: I am here if you need to talk (but I never initiated anyway). After I updated POF, he logged out.
    After my email he disappeared.
    I am overanalysing and it feels bad.
    So it’s one rule for him and one for me. He can go on POF and go on dates, but when I do he withdraws…I hate it.
    Ok, done, back on the bridge, just having a morning moan 🙁



  141.  #141Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 1:15 am

    Ok Sirens,

    It is morning here. I have only managed to have about 3 hours sleep. I have dragged myself out of bed because I have a new client to seee at 10am. This is important as could lead to more work and we have already had to cancel before. So I am determined to go.

    But I am due to do a shift at the pub after that, and then a Zumba class this evening. I can’t face the pub shift at the moment.

    One of my bosses knows some of what is going on, after S showing up wasted at work last week when they called me to come and get him. So I have texted her and told her what is happening and that I need to not come in today. However I feel worried that she might be off on holiday.

    Anyway, I will find a way not to go to the pub shift today.

    This (his behaviour) is affecting me now and its unacceptable. I know I have to detach and I know its my stuff that I let it affect me.

    I do feel some guilt and stuff around ‘abandoning’ him, and I do feel sad.

    But this is the reality.

    I just need to know that distancing myself is the right thing, for me, and also I hope it is the thing that could be good for him too.

    I am going to use this place as much as I need for support.



  142.  #142Tam on July 24, 2012 at 1:23 am

    (((dancing siren)))



  143.  #143Tam on July 24, 2012 at 1:33 am

    and now I need to really sound off, I am soooooo frustrated!!! I feel soooo sad that he has disappeared again…

    And I am trying to CD here and it is just impossible. I always end up having to go to the closest city as there don’t seem to be any singles here – at least not internet dating…so I am looking at a 35 Mile trainjourney every time, that costs me as much as half a week’s groceries, I haven’t got much money, and then these German guys (sorry but it’s true), don’t want to pay for anything. If they do, they make a big deal out of it and I feel guilty. And I say ‘I’ll pay next time’. CDing here is a money question, I have to stop now.
    There was another one on POF and when he said about where to meet I said I’d feel better if he comes to my little town (which is super charming by the way)…and he says ‘oh, but I don’t have a car, so you need to come here’. I AM FED UP!!!!! So I said ‘well, actually I don’t have a car either and the trainjourney would be the same for us’.
    I am sorry, it put me off totally. I am supposed to spend half a week’s groceries money and a 1 1/2 hour train ride (one way) on going for a coffee with a man. Actually, NO!! NONONO.
    I am CD’ing myself.
    I am so fed up – I want to go back to the US, to my friends, to guys who pick one up for a date and think nothing of it, and drive 30 Miles one way to do that (if MrU can do it why can’t the guys here do it?)
    I feel sad and stuck and lonely 🙁



  144.  #144Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 2:07 am

    96: Linda says:
    Hi Sirens

    GOLDENFLOWER! welcome back I have hoped you would return soon. I would love an opportunity to corrensponde with you via email if you are willing. My contact is lindor59@hotmail.com. What you wrote me days ago helped me so much! I would like to share it with you!

    ——-

    Hi Linda. This would be lovely, I shall email you from my own hotmail acc, shall put goldenlove in subject field. So nice you remembered me. Ok back to the blog reading, I got sidetracked by phonecalls last night, and by a nice msg from a mystery man on match.com. It is a lovely morning here in Scotland. xx



  145.  #145Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 2:28 am

    (((((((((Dancing Siren))))))))))))))



  146.  #146Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 2:30 am

    Jasmine,

    127 – “Thinking things will get better is an expectation.”

    Thinking things will get better is working the law of attraction and positive thinking.



  147.  #147Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 2:33 am

    Memulo,

    130 – Right on, and that’s what I did. He finally sent me a “Hey” text near midnight. I was asleep, and I responded “Hi” hours later. That’s it. I feel good that I held out until he contacted me. Because I was extremely tempted to contact him the last few days.



  148.  #148Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 2:53 am

    143: Tam
    (((((((((((Tam))))))))))
    I feel for you. This is frustrating when it is more of a money issue than anything else. Really no one in your town you can CD, even if you go out to bars and gigs and such?? Living in UK as I do, I also find the guys here are not in the habit of picking me up in a car from my house. It is very rare that this happens as i live in a big city and there is very much a drinking culture where 95% of the time we would meet in a pub. Most guys I have met have used drink to get over their date nerves.
    Then again in my experience I have gone through some dry spells followed by little bursts of activity again. I feel sad for your situation with MrU, I hope you can CD your way through this or find your groove whatever form that takes.
    After my recent troubles I have pulled myself out of the sadness by doing great things like gardening and meeting new people, and returned to my indie choir. Even though I havent met any cute guys through this, I do feel part of something and it keeps me busy socially and part of a network. Since feeling happy again for myself in the past week I seem to be attracting some more attention again. It seems to be true that the vibe shift does make all the difference, which constantly amazes me though I should know this stuff works by now. There was a flock of guys around me and my friends on sat night.
    Wish I lived near you Tam, and we could go for a fun night out.
    xx



  149.  #149Tam on July 24, 2012 at 3:03 am

    Thank you Goldenflower….I’d even much rather be in the UK than here. It’s a dead town and I have tried everything, and I give up now. I used to say hello to people in the street and be friendly, but they stare at me because it’s obvious I am not from here….there are no bars, the few are full of old farmer men trying to get away from their wives – it’s a dead place and I feel like slowly dying too. I lived in Guernsey and it’s a tiny place but a metropolis compared… Moany day 🙁
    It would be so nice to just go for a drink now and then, yeah, wish you were closer!!! 🙁



  150.  #150Tam on July 24, 2012 at 3:08 am

    This place also brings my abandonment issues to the forefront and the ‘if only’s’. If I had stuck with my bf, I’d be in Florida now. Instead, I ran with my feelings for MrU and end up here. He didn’t know, but the way it turned out is pretty crappy and I am desperately trying to stay in the here and now but I keep feeling melancholic and like it’s all my fault. I have taken a step back basically 🙁



  151.  #151Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Tam, sorry to hear this is your feeling.
    sorry, I forget how it is with your Visa situation, are you able to return to the US soon?
    This sounds like you would be happier in a bigger place, or at least a place much nearer to a city.
    Do you feel you have focussed on MrU because you havent had enough opportunity to meet new people? I wonder as it is natural to do this, I have done this before, disregard if this is not the case at all. xx



  152.  #152Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 3:55 am

    I’m having a thought. In past centuries how an earth did people manage to meet their true loves when they couldnt travel around as much. It seems miraculous that some people did meet a wonderful partner in their home town. I wonder if partly it was that people stuck at marriages more, or were actually in miserable marriages, or that destiny and meeting your one could still play a part.
    Just musing, I feel lucky and blessed to have all this choice in 2012.
    I feel happy that I am taking MYSELF on an adventure in a weeks time, on holiday to visit my friend down south. It will be fun to meet some new people and see new places again. I feel an adventure will help me love myself more, is this CD myself. BM will be there on Thurs, and I am feeling pressure to see him before I go off on hols so I dont keep wondering about him when I’m away. I am feeling annoyed at my own impatience.
    However the nice message on match has helped take my mind off BM, a man with no pic up who has geese and knows about classic literature, and lives quite far away.
    Maybe he is not attractive at all, but for now this is a very romantic connection for me. I love feeling like their are new possibilities, new people I have yet to meet. I love my adventurous side, I feel female and a lioness when I have adventures.



  153.  #153Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 4:17 am

    150: Tam says:
    This place also brings my abandonment issues to the forefront and the ‘if only’s’. If I had stuck with my bf, I’d be in Florida now. Instead, I ran with my feelings for MrU and end up here. He didn’t know, but the way it turned out is pretty crappy and I am desperately trying to stay in the here and now but I keep feeling melancholic and like it’s all my fault. I have taken a step back basically

    Whenever I blame myself it helps to realise I did everything for good reasons, and reasons i can learn from. From your previous posts it sounded like you did the best thing for you at the time. Perhaps it was the bravest thing you could have done?
    Bravo siren!
    Also if MrU had stepped up and claimed you presumably you would not have left. But his hot and cold behaviour since, as you describe, shows that he isnt able to do this, or does not want to.
    So perhaps you actually did the best thing to choose yourself over either of these men. Just a way of looking at it.
    After going through grief for certain exes the only thing that has helped me to properly move forward is that I feel I have options again, options forever!!!

    Love of self is always my key to happiness, it’s just finding a way to do this for yourself that feels good and reliable and you know it works. Massage and Reiki worked for me. And having a plan, making my own plan for the activities I wanted to do each week. Using my boy to get me to the places I can open up and become a girl. This feels good to me to express. I feel love for the parts I am opening up, I feel able to be open in public places, not with a shield up. I feel love for my positive male role models. I work with them to replace the negative ones.
    ((((Tam)))))



  154.  #154Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Ok I am back from my appointment. It went well and the work is booked.

    I spoke to the people at the pub and they are ok about me having today off. They asked what I was going to do about the rest of my shifts before I leave in about a month.

    I said I will be professional and do them.

    They are sympathetic about situation with S. I told them the truth as I see it. However there is this kind of idea that if it is just alcohol then they are not really that worried.

    That is NOT how I feel about it.

    I haven’t heard anymore from S since last night.

    I do want to let him know that I do care, and that I am here for him. And that the ONLY way that I would consider being in an exclusive relationship with him in the future would be if he is sober, as in completely abstinent, and is in therapy and I felt safe. Also there would have to be some admission on his part about the addiction as it is now.

    I would also be here for him as a friend should he need help seeking support.

    And that is as far as it can go right now.

    At some point I want to express this to him.

    I need scripts.

    The other side of it, and actually I think the hardest part, is focusing back on me.

    Its so easy to get caught up in the junky be haviour stuff and pining and I don’ want that.

    So I have been thinking I will do this in babysteps, moment by moment, day by day.

    I don’t want to get all negative about stuff, because that will not help ANYONE! I intend to remain as upbeat as I can manage.

    Right now I am pleased that I sorted out my work and I have eaten something (although it was junk food).

    I am feeling tired so I am going to rest, maybe write on here, and then get ready for tonight (teaching a fitness class).



  155.  #155samy on July 24, 2012 at 4:28 am

    Hi Sirens.

    And Tammm… I hear you. I feel you.

    I have a situation here . Horrible because its the first time that it occurs in the 6 months that I have known this guy..who says” he is deeply in love with me and wants to marry me next year !! says so !!

    Tam, you are so true about the money bit with the german guys. They just don’t pay for anything. And me being from a traditional country this realllly really triggers me. Money talks..and a man not providing for me really triggers me horribly…it a total mood offferr for me too 🙁 I instantly tend to think of all those women out there, who don’t do a job at all and then go have fun with their husband’s money… And they deserve it..but I deserve it too !! And I don’t know..if a guy has issues paying for me..I feel so so off.

    My German guy does pay many times…especially at the start but now that’s it been 6 months..and we are doing many holidays together… and I am starting to split the money …I always paid for my flights..but now I am also paying /splitting for dinners etc…and this just feels very triggering to me. But you know what? I am also dating a student…he does not have a job right now…I am also a student….so I dont know if my expectations are unreasonable and what is the best way to act on this…

    just last evening we had a big argument over money and this was the first time he was really rude to me ….. I too was harsh. We are going for a holiday this weekend and he called me yesterday and among many other general things we discussed, he said..hey u also have to transfer me ..100 euros for the flight… when ? I said..ah..i was so surprised…and it frankly did not feeel good at all… i said i was meeting u this saturday…thought il hand it over in person ( he is in another city rigt now)..he said..oh ok..saturday too is fine.

    And then…I just felt so triggered. we hung up..and I wrote him an email –

    saying hey haris. I feel really bad that i was asked for the money. Im meeting you in 4 days..I felt i was not trusted..i felt it was not sensitive towards me..I feel so angry right now..my chest feels heavy and my throat all tight..
    I feel so distant to you rigt now…I dont even feel much excitement for the holiday at this moment.

    And u know what he answered ?? ( first time ever – really rude!!)

    ???????/Of course i trust u. I try to make things possible but i also have to plan ahead and it should be possible to be able to talk about these things.
    What’s with you and money???? is there something I should know? Any prior bad experiences? if You still feel distant to me until friday and no excitement for the holiday, u can cancel the flight. There is an insurance. I go to bed now. Sleep well Sami.

    I felt so so bad. i cried the whole evening. I understand I over-reacted a bit…and he does not understand the cultural context I come from….but still..it would have felt much better had he just written..I don’t know why u react so much…and why u feel bad..lets talk about it. I didn’t mean to make u feel that way.. U know what i mean???

    I havent answered his email. I know i was harsh but so was he…I dont know what to do…write him /not write him? go for the holiday not go for the holiday? I feel awful. He IS a nice guy. He is not a jerkk..yesterday was the first time he reacted this way. Also my constantly saying to him that I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend keeps him a bit frustated these days..

    I feel if I write anything..i wil be doing “fixing” and making up…and if I did over-react…he wasn’t polite either…So the idea of writing first does not feel good to me…its tuesday and we have our flights booked for saturday…

    Id appreciate any advice u may have for me sirens…Im so upset…and also if rori has something to say when it comes to men and the money talk !!!

    Much love
    samy



  156.  #156Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 4:35 am

    ((((((((Dancing Siren))))))))))))
    baby steps sounds good. I feel sad for your situation.
    Sounds like you are making the best of what you can do and sticking with your boundaries.



  157.  #157Tam on July 24, 2012 at 4:42 am

    Thank you Goldenflower and Samy 🙂



  158.  #158Vi on July 24, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Old stuff came up and I felt jealous. every time my man opens his fb account my thoughts are “ooh his ex-girlfriend must have published/sent smth cool and interesting and now she is going to capture his attention and … ” and I feel jealous and distant and numb.. and this time i am feeling this way again.. and i feel sad and …. And .. I feel confident …. i feel confident and solid as a rock .. i trust him. and yet – i feel triggered! and I feel confused how it’s possible to feel both feelings together …
    the thing is – why am i feeling so jealous? i have a guess – because there was a period when i wished i could leave him and I could not , it felt absolutely impossible: i felt obsessed and stuck with him while he acted toxic … she seemed to me to be a super-woman if she could leave him … awww Vi.. it’s okay to feel sad .. i love your sadness and all your feelings and when you feel little and powerless i love those too….
    and the things changed and i am changing ..
    but i still can feel jelous of this ex. I love my feelings I love my jealousy .. i know i am the yummy pie! i FEEL like a yummy pie – what’s even better : ) okay jealosy, i feel you and i hear you and i love you – you are a part of me, jealosy .. i love you with all my heart! i know you remind me of times when i had no boundaries…. right … and it’s okay to feel sad.. but i have them now!! : ) … and thanks to them now i have only what i really want … and i can always communicate what i don’t want … it feels good … i feel secure .. yay me!



  159.  #159Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 4:44 am

    Goldenflower,

    Thank You.

    I feel ok at the moment.

    There is a bit to sort out but it will be ok.

    xoxox



  160.  #160Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 4:50 am

    Turquoise,

    Thank you for your post. it feels so good and relaxing and wise.

    Something switched in me too yesterday, I went from feeling miserable to some kind of inner peace. Somehow I don’t feel the anxiety anymore. There is nothing more I can do for him, unless I am asked. I can go back to living my life and enjoying, and struggling my battles that no one else will struggle for me. I believe he knows that I care and I will leave it at that. Nothing for me to do.



  161.  #161Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 4:52 am

    jilly,

    You sound amazing. Yay for you two!!



  162.  #162Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 4:55 am

    155: samy says:
    I feel really bad that i was asked for the money. Im meeting you in 4 days..I felt i was not trusted..i felt it was not sensitive towards me..I feel so angry right now..my chest feels heavy and my throat all tight..
    I feel so distant to you rigt now…I dont even feel much excitement for the holiday at this moment.

    And u know what he answered ?? ( first time ever – really rude!!)

    ???????/Of course i trust u. I try to make things possible but i also have to plan ahead and it should be possible to be able to talk about these things.
    What’s with you and money???? is there something I should know? Any prior bad experiences? if You still feel distant to me until friday and no excitement for the holiday, u can cancel the flight. There is an insurance. I go to bed now. Sleep well Sami.

    Hi Samy,
    I am one of the few on the blog atm as I live in the UK so always on at opp times from the US sirens.
    Yes, this paying thing has stumped me too. I want to be taken out and paid for my drinks etc but in my country there is a very equal split mentality with men. Only seem to find older more traditional men who assume they will pay. Otherwise it becomes an issue or a worry for me during the date on how to explain I want him to pay. I do think cultural expectation is a big factor for me when i try and let go of feeling responsible for paying half, being “equal”.
    So i have the opposite trigger from you, in that I feel bad asking to be cared for.
    It seems to me if I received that text back from him, that he is going about trying to fix the problem, in that male brained fixing the practical things. It seems actually quite a fair text, not rude at all. I have often had a text back from a guy, been outraged or hurt by it, then shown a friend who says, what is wrong with it, he’s being nice ???ld feel good if I saw this line:
    it should be possible to be able to talk about these things.
    a polite way of wanting to communicate to you. Perhaps he has been feeling your expectations around money as off, or as pressure. Honest communication in feeling messages is good. Its good you have done this so well in your own message to him, perhaps just further clarification is needed from him. As he is asking you outright for you to explain what the money deal is. Positive messages about feeling good to be taken care of and not criticising may be the third way.
    FW said to me recently to ground myself by doing
    I’m sorry, please forgive me, thankyou, i love you. For yourself, this really helped me.
    (((((((((((samy)))))))))))



  163.  #163Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Samy, this makes sense for me and perhaps your situation. FW posted it up earlier, its from Rori’s current mailing list post. It helps me a lot when I think about that icky headspace i can get into when I feel like i am witholding what i really feel from someone. “Stuffing it down”. I am trying so much more these days to be honest and speak in feeling messages. It feels good to me to be honest in the moment of having the feeling, scary as hell but good.

    Here’s something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it’s true…

    Men absolutely WANT you to be honest and straightforward with them.

    This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other.

    And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you AREN’T open and direct.

    If they are planning something that you don’t agree with, they want you to let them know AT THE START, as soon as possible, BEFORE it becomes a bigger issue or concern.

    Not later, after a few hours or days or WEEKS of you stewing about it, only for it to come out at some other time when the man thinks everything is going fine.

    Here’s the beauty of telling a man what you think early on…

    It allows you to communicate in a way that’s less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while. Especially if he’s already done/decided on whatever it was that you were dreading.

    And here’s a secret about how men like to talk and communicate that you need to remember:

    Men don’t “automatically” get upset when you let them know how you feel about something, like some women believe.

    They get upset when they see that YOU are upset.

    See, for most men, when a woman tells them something that isn’t great about their relationship, the reason men get upset is that they take it VERY PERSONALLY.

    When a man sees you upset, and you tell him about your hurt feelings, he’ll instantly feel like you are BLAMING him – even though you might not be.

    Men like to think and believe that the woman they’re with respects them and sees them as a great man.



  164.  #164samy on July 24, 2012 at 5:22 am

    I agree Goldenflower. completely. what do i do now? this guy is NOT a jerk. my gut tells met that.



  165.  #165samy on July 24, 2012 at 5:34 am

    what do I now?its tuesday. we have our flight booked for saturday for the holiday. he hasn’t written me since this conversation last night 🙁 I feel anxious. I also feel I should also not do anything. ,,it would feel like trying to fix it. i am willing to be loving..but i also felt his mesage was rude 🙁



  166.  #166Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 6:27 am

    165- samy I feel you must do what feels good for you to do.
    If it were me I would not have a problem contacting him because I wd be replying to his last message, and replying to the questions he asked in it. If it was me I would msg him the truth, which for me personally wd be: I feel sad and hurt that we disconnected over the weekend plans. I feel good that you want to communicate about plans more. I dont want to be fighting about money issues. It would feel great to talk about this over the phone rather than by email. What do you think?

    something like this. it just seems that his words are not rude to you, but he may be feeling hurt that you are upset and not wanting to go away with him. This is just my own view on if I was dealing in this situation, as you say the rest of the time he has been great at paying and planning things in general.
    Hope that other sirens can give their experience of the monay thing a bit more. In my life it can cause these disconnects in some dating scenarios, and I too want to be more clear on why I am expecting him to pay before I express that in words and vibe.
    I dont think you are fixing things with him as it looks to me that he is trying to fix things with you:

    “if You still feel distant to me until friday and no excitement for the holiday, u can cancel the flight. There is an insurance.” this may look a bit cold but I feel that he is trying to be practical and fix the situation as well as respect what you have told him. he uses the word “feel”. I see this as a good way that he cares about what you feel.
    xx



  167.  #167Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Samy truthfully I did not find the message rude. He might have been feeling annoyed by your message yes. It might have even added to whatever else was going on in his life. If it was spoken and there was rudeness in the tonality and the body language then okay. Remember you are at the 6 month mark and he would naturally start showing his true self.

    About the money issue, it seems to me it is yours. You seemed to have chosen to start splitting costs. I wasn’t sure what the 100 euros were for. Was that for his flight? I would talk to him about how triggering it is now feeling about giving him money. If it feels masculine to be doing that discuss it with him and ask him how you can handle it together so you don’t feel that way.



  168.  #168Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 6:33 am

    I FW I feel pleased you are here

    🙂



  169.  #169Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Samy He asked you some questions how about sripting your answers. If you feel distant it is your issue so best to ask yourself why you feel that way rather than projecting it on him and wanting him to fix your feeling.

    Remember he is a man and he could likely forget wha this is about. It is possible that he will sleep and wake up in a good mood. Then contact you as if nothing happened. Bring this back to yourself and ask yourself what am I feeling. It could be the distance that have you feeling squirmy and because you are not getting what you want the money is becoming the issue because there isn’t enough.

    When I was in a long distance relationship I constantly felt needy and wanting more. Especially when he did not communicate with me. I just pining and craving for more attention.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:43 am

    Thanks Dancing Siren. I really hope you find the internal peace that you are seeking.



  171.  #171Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 6:52 am

    FW I am feeling ok at the moment.

    Maybe a lil tiny bit sad. But hopeful too.



  172.  #172Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:53 am

    When you are in a relationship with a man, more especially if you have at least a decently strong bond, are in love, intimate on some level, the more you learn to take your focus and anxious, nervous energy off of him and put it back on you by taking care of yourself, finding activities which feel good to you, fulfill you, expand your world; the more you learn to stop overfunctioning, stop “doing” for him at every turn, stop mothering him; the more you release your clinginess, your neediness which often manifests in a smothering way; the more you stop looking to your man to fill you up, validate you; the more you heal yourself, letting go of habits and thought patterns which impede movement forward (they in fact get very much in your way); the more you continue to go deeply inside yourself to find your authentic self; the more you learn to deeply love yourself, your physical being, your sensuous parts, your quirks and foibles, your gorgeous heart, ALL of YOU, the more you will be able to open your heart and revel in and enjoy vulnerability as well be able to feel and exude love, beautifully and unself-consciously, and maybe especially with him.

    http://sexandheart.com/your-mans-healing-heart



  173.  #173Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Ok some scripts.

    Hi S,

    I am feeling a bit sad right now, and kinda hopeful too.

    I love you very, very much and it has felt good being with you.

    And at the moment I am not prepared to be in an exclusive relationship with you. This is not how I want to live my life.



  174.  #174Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 7:20 am

    It would feel good to me to talk face to face at this time.

    It would feel good to talk.

    And I know I am walking away.

    From this behaviour.

    And I hope I get the chance to express that I would consider a relationship, ONLY if he were truly sober and in recovery, and abstinent.

    My logic tells me this is unlikely to happen.

    But, it would feel great to have the chance to express this.

    I expect I will have the chance.



  175.  #175samy on July 24, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Hi Sirens

    thanks so much for writing. And femininewoman…u are again right…about wanting more closeness…because we are at a distance…He used to write me long romantic emails before…Now none of that…and I feel I become “more leaning back” when I see that kind of pattern…which happens to so many of us…. I just feel like crying…

    And no…I did not start splitting money myself..he did request for it…he said “I will invite you sometimes but all the time its not possible for me…”

    The message may not be rude …because at one level he just looks like he is respecting what i feel and giving me the freedom to feel it…Its just that I feel its rude because I have known and seen this man a certain way for the last 6 months and EVEN IF i was wrongly triggered….( which I don’t think I am… I may have written harshly but as I said before…money does trigger me… I am pretty traditional in that sense…and back in my country…I would be seen as “overfunctioning” by men if i tried to pay for my own stuff…”

    I understand this is NOT my country. I also understand that he is not aware of this money trigger context. But still…dealing it with some softness and respect for me would have made him more attractive to me. And yes the 100 euros were for the flight… u know what hurts me the most at this time?

    I was honest about the way I felt. It was not received well..And now Im sitting here with a heavy heart…And yes…Im doing other things..I bought myself two dresses…made some nice pasta..but there is this constant bad vibe that I feel in the relationship and its sad to see that both of us are getting comfortable feeling bad… It would just feel so good if the way we argued…similarly…and quickly we also worked to make the bad feelings go away??

    I don’t know why writing to him does not feel good. I don’t know why. Am I being egoistical here? Am I making it about who gives up first?But frankly, again, I feel, he should feel that he did not speak to me right…. I am willing to talk…but his message felt so cold and dismissing…I felt like i was given an ultimatum…ok if u feel this way..if it doesnt change…cancel the flight…

    And this is not the way I want to be spoken to…This does not feel good…I feel disrespected…I feel awful…I feel im not wanted…and i feel scared that if I am write him…he will feel that its OK to express himself that way… Its like encouraging a wrong trend…

    I dont know.



  176.  #176Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 7:31 am

    BUT I am NOT telling you to leave him as many others have told you. What I am asking you is to look deeply inside and ask yourself why would you put yourself through so much pain?

    You say you love him. This may be true, but I wonder of you’re more in love with the need to be needed. Or maybe you don’t feel deserving of something better. Or maybe you yourself have an addiction. An addiction to the suffering this brings you. An addiction to men who cannot give you the love you want and need.

    Pain and suffering lets us know were alive, and this can feel somewhat good, but is this healthy?

    Did you have a painful childhood? It didn’t have to involve alcohol, but it could very well have. Was your upbringing difficult? Your parents hard on you? Abusive? Or maybe neglectful? How about your teachers? Were you subject to some sort of bullying or marginalization from other children at home or at school or on the playground? I would hazard a guess of yes to at least one of these.

    So suffering is familiar to you isn’t it? There’s a very good chance you might associate love with pain.

    http://sexandheart.com/thoughts-on-anger-and-addiction-part-two



  177.  #177Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 7:36 am

    “If you know why and want to offer this, then go ahead. For example, let’s say he did something that really hurt. You can on the one hand look at this as an anomaly. We all say and do stupid things without thinking after all. And just let it go. Or you can deduce that this man had a bad day too, and he’s reacting from his own triggers. Again let it go.

    But if it’s still eating at you, you can also say, “It feels awful feeling alone. I feel so alone right now,” if say he has ignored you. Or if he was out really late and didn’t call, and you couldn’t reach him either, “I felt so scared when I was unable to find you. All of these crazy scenarios went through my head like maybe something terrible happened to you. My silly brain was also thinking maybe you had left me, were with someone else. That thought felt so bad. I don’t want to feel this way with you. Can you help- me with this?”

    Dominique



  178.  #178Jilly on July 24, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Good morning Sirens 🙂

    Thank you Turquoise….I know my life really has turned around huh 🙂 I have really learned to focus on me. It feels amazing to hear you focusing on you…and I LOVE the vision of you on the beach with a blue drink!!!!

    Thank you Memulo 🙂 It feels good to read that you no longer feel anxious and you have some inner peace

    Thanks Starla!! One of my really good friends is dating Rugby Man’s best friend…and he started playing match maker from the minute he met me lol…and he was like…You need to meet my friend “Rugby Man”…I was like…ok…sure why not lol.

    I actually had to cancel another date to meet him. We ended up doing a double date with my friend and her boyfriend (who are talking marriage, they met 4 months before us) We clicked within a few minutes of being in the car together…and it’s been that way ever since.

    Starla…if you lived here I would totally introduce you to another one of Rugby Man’s good friends…I think you two would hit it off…he kind of has a bon jovi look to him…he’s good looking, quiet but witty and kind, about 5’9 and lean…total gentleman, 30 years old



  179.  #179samy on July 24, 2012 at 7:44 am

    Ok I open up and be real and myself and write him as you sirens can be more objective about it than I can be.

    Hi Haris.

    The conversation last night didn’t feel good. I like you…you make me happy ..

    Money talks do trigger me… and this we can talk about when we are face to face. However, right now, I feel sad… and I don’t want to feel this way. It feels awful to sit over a set of bad feelings and to let them remain there…



  180.  #180Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 7:46 am

    S called me.

    We talked.

    I told him the stuff I scripted above.

    He kept trying to get me to say ‘that was it’ as in its over, but I wouldn’t.

    What I did say is that I am not prepared to be in an exclusive relationship with him at this time.

    He was on the way to see his counsellor.

    My phone cut out.

    I texted him, I said I do care. I’m not prepared to be in an exclusive relationship with him at this time although I am not ruling it out as a possible future option. I said I want something different for my life, drug and alcohol free. I asked what he wants. I said it feels important to talk more.

    He will be with his counsellor in a few minutes so we won’t talk anymore for now.

    So now I am going to make a cup of tea for myself.

    I did feel stirred up on the phone talking to him but I feel calm (ish) now.



  181.  #181Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 7:48 am

    It feels hard to communicate that I am not prepared to be with him unless he is sober, when he is still in denial about the extent of the addiction.

    He says he doesn’t get why I am doing this when he has made so many changes.



  182.  #182Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 7:49 am

    What I suggest is to first just be aware of whatever negative feeling is arising for you. Allow it. Feel it deeply. Yet I want you to keep an energetic eye and hand on the love in your heart at the same time. If you feel the bad feeling feelings overtaking you, flooding you, you can place your real, physical hand right on your chest, over your heart. Then close your eyes, and breathe into that place. Your hands work as in the power of suggestion. They help to awaken, activate, and open a channel for your love to flow through again. They help to allow you to feel into your heart, deep into your heart where love always resides.

    http://sexandheart.com/how-to-feel-a-bad-feeling-feeling-and-keep-your-heart-open



  183.  #183Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 7:58 am

    For your reference, my definition of addiction is this; if the behavior interferes with the individual’s life, work, hobbies, social life; if the behavior affects the relationship with a beloved, their sex life, the ability to love and be affectionate; if the behavior affects the relationships with family, the ability to be present; if the behavior is endangering him/her and/or others, then this person has an addiction.

    http://sexandheart.com/thoughts-on-anger-and-addiction-part-two



  184.  #184P-lala on July 24, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Samy,

    I wonder if you can focus on the goal, rather than the situation. Is your goal a healthy, happy relationship with this guy or is it to prove a point?

    It seems to me that he is not aware of your “money issues.” Have you not set his expecatations in the past?

    I feel like he innocently asked you to contribute to the holiday…something which is the cultural norm for him…and then he felt attacked for something he didn’t know would be a trigger for you. (Forgive me if I missed the part where you already explained to him that you don’t want to split costs)

    Then, you sent an email which set the tone…attacking, blaming and harsh. His response, though straight forward, is not necessarily rude. He asked, “What is it with you and money?” Why not take this opportunity to explain to him that, yes, indeed, you do have money issues.

    Wouldn’t sharing the truth with him draw you closer together. Blaming will just push him away.

    Do you want to be closer or do you want to set a negative tone for your holiday…or do you want to just cancel your holiday?

    Perhaps your hesitance to return an email comes from the fact that you have an inner knowing that this is your issue and you don’t want to take responsibity for openly talking about it.

    I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but it’s what I’m seeing. If your goal is to be right, don’t respond, cancel the holiday and move on with your life because more misunderstandings like this will happen time and time again in your relationship. If your goal is to build intimacy, then TALK to him about it, owning your own stuff, and let him know that you had some expectations and blamed him for unknowingly disappointing you.

    Hoping that whatever you do is true to your heart and brings peace and happiness.



  185.  #185P-lala on July 24, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Samy, Oops, I missed your response above that you will email him. I hope your message is received well.



  186.  #186samy on July 24, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Hi P-lala

    My goal is a happy feeling…good feeling intimate relationship…I don’t care about being right…

    Is my message enough or would you add something there?I don’t know if explaining the money issue on the email will go down well…



  187.  #187P-lala on July 24, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Samy,

    My only change to the email…and this is just me…would be to leave out the part about being sad. You already stated your negative feelings to him and, in reality, you don’t have to share every negative feeling that you have (see FWs post with a message from Dominique about just letting some stuff go, above).

    I think he knows you’re sad and want reconnection. I think owning your issues will help both of you feel excited about the holiday again.



  188.  #188samy on July 24, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Hi Haris,

    I feel awful about our conversation last night. I felt triggered…I never want to hide anything I feel… Hence I shared with you how I felt..but I guess it was shared in a way that did not help how i was feeling at all…because I did not share the context from which such feelings…triggers emerge in me in the first place…

    In India, basically, we grow up seeing men doing everything for women. And it is only natural that men pay for holidays etc. I do not expect you to pay for every single thing…I know you are a student…I share the flights etc and split the costs…because it feels OK to do it for now …
    However, given the way I was brought up, a man asking a woman for money is a wrong trigger…I later felt it was something you just said casually..I perhaps responded in the way I did…because I felt triggered..given how I see romantic relationships…in my deepest heart, I sometimes feel I would be seen as “over-functioning” back in my country if I were paying for my holidays to go with a man. But I do not wish to judge you or ask anything here. I appreciate what you do for me and you make me happy Haris !! Just that this is just me… perhaps not the most beautiful part of me but I still embrace it with love because its me…But I have to show you how I feel… what triggers me…

    I feel sad right now. i don’t like to feel this way… I don’t like to sit over a pile of bad feelings and pretend its ok for me…because its not ok and it does not feel good…even a single negative under-current in what I share with a person who means something to me…is something I don’t want…

    I feel calmer now. I feel open…at peace. I feel I can breathe again. I feel so much more at ease being able to communicate and be and feel my authentic self…



  189.  #189samy on July 24, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I don’t know. i feel sooo messed up right now… I really do… i feel this vibe is so unattractive… I didn’t know my message to him last night was rude..harsh…blaming..I just felt i shared what i felt…everything’s gone wrong in an evening;s time. I feel so overwhelmed… and what bothers me the most is that he is ok sitting on a pile of bad feelings…



  190.  #190Mel on July 24, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Smile, Lily Medusa

    Re: leaning back

    I would say I lean back about 80% of the time. I enjoy allowing him to plan things, send the first email/text, pay for things, initiate, cook dinners, etc. It feels good to receive.

    I always thank him for dinner, use feeling messages to express how him doing something sweet makes me feel, say I feel spoiled, or I feel appreciative.

    One time, I said something like “It feels so good to be with such a masculine man. I love that you plan stuff for us and lead and decide. I feel taken care of and content and feminine.”

    At one point he said I had an “open invitation” to come over for dinner whenever I wished. I said “I feel so touched, that my company is always appreciated, but I love how it feels to be asked and to feel invited and to have my presence requested. I feel desirable and warm and smiley when I receive your invitations.” Since then, he has sent me an invite EVERY day. We now live together… but I really appreciated this effort on his part and I frequently let him know how much that meant to me.

    Every once in a while, I ask him if he’ll “let” me buy some ice cream, or a coffee. He smiles and sometimes accepts my offer. But he sometimes kisses me and says “no.”

    Before I left for work, he said goodbye and that he’d be in touch by email later. I told him how I felt so happy to receive his little messages and how it made me feel all smiley and tall (I am not tall). He sent me the sweetest message today while I was at work.

    I think that men LOVE to give to us. They love to please us and when we show appreciation for their generosity of time and gifts, whatever they are, they are happy to continue giving.

    But I feel like leaning forward 20% of the time is just as important. To show MY appreciation. It’s not about keeping score, but just how I feel. Like… “I feel like making a super yummy dinner today, or I feel like treating you to a ice-cream, what do you think?”



  191.  #191Tam on July 24, 2012 at 8:45 am

    I just posted a big comment and it disappeared. Aw to me.
    Just wanted to say hello and that there is a lot going on here today!! 🙂
    I came back from my seminar and one of the guys who runs it and we fought before, really made my day today. He could see I was upset (((((men)))) and went completely into does and masculine man mentality and just helped me out with lots of things…I opened up to him also, and told him some confidential info that I had witheld, and instead of berating me, which is what he does with everyone else, he was really lovely and helped me even more.
    Aw.
    He also said to another guy ‘men know what they want’ and when I piped up and said ‘I have evidence to the contrary’, he said ‘ that’s maybe Americans but us here, we know what we want’. This was so cute because firstly he remembered where I just came from and secondly he also said ‘we are better than them’ – cute male competition thing going on.

    However, he also said something very true Ladies:
    men know what they want.
    Whether they are Eskimos, Germans or Americans.
    They will go and get it, at whatever cost.
    It brought home again that mrU does not want me, he never came to get me at all. It was just always hints and nice outings and hints again and ‘what could me, might me’ but if he had wanted me, I’d be there now and we’d be together having a lovely time. He wants the ‘lovely time’ part time, when it suits him. He has no urgency, he is not scared that I run away, or someone else picks me up. he just goes his merry ways – which is his right.
    Does not want me.
    I want a man that knows he wants me and comes to get me. 100%.



  192.  #192Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 8:46 am

    190: Mel

    Yay Mel, this is so touching to read.
    What a great guy he sounds like, so sweet. I agree that if he is a good guy he loves giving to you, and loves being appreciated for it too.
    Aaah, perhaps one day I shall feel this lovely energy exchange myself.
    It’s the beginning part I seem to have the problems with. how to lean back with overcompensating for my urge to lean forward. Feeling comfortable and open to receive and to attract good men. I think its getting better at last. Cd is helping me.



  193.  #193Tam on July 24, 2012 at 8:46 am

    ‘what could be’ jeepers, typos everywhere, sorry



  194.  #194Starla on July 24, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Jilly, I feel honored that you would want to introduce me to one of your friends:)



  195.  #195Mel on July 24, 2012 at 9:05 am

    I read from another coach that men are all about “winning” in life. That instinctively for them, it’s all a cost vs benefit analysis.

    **If I invest X amount of time into this work project and get hardly any benefit, it’s not worth it. If I spend a little bit of money to fix up this car, I can sell it for a HUGE profit! Win!!

    Apparently they are also like that with women. They want to WIN with us.

    **I take her out to fancy restaurants and she doesn’t even notice or appreciate it… we’re going to stop going.

    **Wow, all I had to do was spend 5 minutes sending a little email message and that made her feel super happy?! I’m going to do that all the time!

    **I loved seeing her smile and giggle when I bought her a little gift! Win for me!!!

    This coach also suggested that men not only like to know that they are winning with you, but that it really helps them to know what them doing something would mean for you (I’m guessing by sharing how it makes you feel) because it helps them figure out their cost vs benefit analysis.

    Interesting…



  196.  #196Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:07 am

    i just read dominique’s latest article and it made me feel sad and like a failure, like if i had leaned back more, we’d still be together.

    i did lean back a whole lot, though. we didn’t see each other much

    love to me



  197.  #197Goldenflower on July 24, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Tam
    However, he also said something very true Ladies:
    men know what they want.
    Whether they are Eskimos, Germans or Americans.
    They will go and get it, at whatever cost.
    It brought home again that mrU does not want me, he never came to get me at all. It was just always hints and nice outings and hints again and ‘what could me, might me’ but if he had wanted me, I’d be there now and we’d be together having a lovely time. He wants the ‘lovely time’ part time, when it suits him. He has no urgency, he is not scared that I run away, or someone else picks me up. he just goes his merry ways – which is his right.
    Does not want me.
    I want a man that knows he wants me and comes to get me. 100%.

    Tam, I’m so happy you had a positive experience with a man today, just the right timing. Yes, it is so lovely when I get advice from male friends, even if they dont always get it right, it feels great to have a man I am not interested in, care about me and communicate to help out.
    I agree with what you say above, I hear you on the “no sense of urgency” thing. I find a lot of men dont have any sense of urgency about claiming a woman, but some do!
    There are men who do have that desire and will make the effort to be with you. It just sounds a lot like he is not capable of this, and if he’s an older man perhaps he will never be capable of this?
    Love to you, keep doing what makes you happy. xx



  198.  #198Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Feeling tired now and a bit lazy cus my Mum and her partner are around the house doing stuff and I just have been laying around in bed since I got home from work this morning.

    I have not helped much around the house recently, I have been so busy with work and stuff.

    I intend to help around the house more and be more present and involved.

    I just needed today.



  199.  #199Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 9:08 am

    I am thinking of reframing, over and over, when I think about R and why he isn’t contacting me. I am making it an opportunity to just enjoy being by myself, and not putting pressure on him.

    More and more I become aware of how much I tend to sabotage relationships. We are finally coming to understand each other, and he pretty much said we are getting a fresh start.

    I don’t need to sabotage that by getting all negative just because he didn’t contact me between Saturday evening and Monday evening. That is not the unforgiveable sin.

    Like Emerson said, I will just assume it is rubberbanding.

    What is hard is to manage my intense emotions. So much came to the surface in the evening/afternoon we spent together. I feel deep love for him. I feel love from him, too. I think he is just not ready to express it. He has that right. He doesn’t have to express it at the moment I think he should.

    I am really seeing myself and relationships more clearly. I feel much more like I am walking in the light, not in the dark, seeing where I am at and where I am going with a man, be it R or a CD.



  200.  #200Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Starla!!

    I don’ see you talking about CL anymore, what’s happened?



  201.  #201Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:16 am

    he stopped texting me, lol. he must be an all or nothing guy, Jasmine.

    maybe he will hit me up in a few days to ask me out properly, instead of treating me like my name is twitter, hahaha



  202.  #202Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:20 am

    oh and i accidentally texted CL about someone i saw on plentyoffish.com, lol. OOOOOOOOPS. but i’m single and i am not doing anything wrong. still, i’m sure this upset him greatly.



  203.  #203Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Starla,

    But did you tell him anything about the way you were feeling about his obsessive behavior?



  204.  #204Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I’m just wondering why he stopped texting you



  205.  #205Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Hahah I do accidental texts a lot. It’s embarrassing.



  206.  #206Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:28 am

    yes, i told him how it was making me feel, and he said he would try to stop, lol, and then he kept texting me and texting me a play by play of his life for a couple of days, and then he stopped. i didn’t answer, because he never asked me anything in the texts and there was nothing to respond to.



  207.  #207Daria on July 24, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Yay 🙂 another day and my energy feels excited about how lovely the house will have transformed from my playing that Change the House game.

    Wow I feel so empowered

    I sat down and after reading thAt book was like I am adult.

    That I feel blocked and overwhelmed changing my house is not adult. It’s one of those blocks I picked up and mu mind is unconsciously choosing to feel icky about it

    So then I challenged my thinking as to what I Like. And I like Games.

    I made a game, to take the pressure off — I would get NVs in mu head that I wasn’t doing it well I was overwhelmed and find myself just abandoning the activity and going in my head……. W all Triggering trauma stories from the past … YES this is what was coming up for me while cleaning. No wonder I would disengage. So I stayed noticing and seeing how I’d then be in a ‘hurry to finish the activity game’

    In my childhood I played this game s myself and i was trained to panic and then get under pressure then dash and push hurry hurry

    So I know this game I don’t want to play it anymore.
    How many tones a day do I play it… Whenever I am getting ready or doing something in the house

    So because I know it can be fun for others, I made my game untimed. And do my spirit will feel free and fun, I made no how-tos

    Thers no wash that first, or that first.

    Nope it can be a glass moved off the table.

    It feels so fun to think of things!

    And it feels engaging and like a true game, not a falsehood to slow down intelligence.

    I’m feeling so blessed. Thank you Daria for taking care of me and being so resourceful and inspiring.

    I feel wowed and amazed at how well u took care of me when those emotions were coming up.



  208.  #208Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Ouch. Poor guy.



  209.  #209Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

    This guy om POF just sent me a message offering me so much MONETARY stuff.

    I have to admit i do feel flattered but i dont feel attracted to it. It feels so unromantic, like there was no love in the message, just here’s what i can give you (and more) and it was even numbered.



  210.  #210Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:37 am

    I feel skinny!!

    I love myself though. My boobd look enormous!! Haha. I like it. I’m getting myself ready to go have lunch but I don’t feel very hungry. I should eat moooooreeeee.

    And then tonight I’ll go watch this Dark Knight movie. It doesn’t make me feel very excited but everybody is talking about it and it’s apparently good. We’ll see how it goes.



  211.  #211Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:38 am

    boobs*



  212.  #212Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I don’t like guys offering me material things up front at all. it would feel so much nicer if they naturally gave that stuff as a relationship unfolds.



  213.  #213Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Starla, I agree.



  214.  #214Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Starla,

    Yeah that is so true. But it is also bad when it goes the other way around. Cheap cheappppp.



  215.  #215Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:45 am

    And I’m ok skinny but I feel like I should do some abs. I’m just so bad at those.



  216.  #216Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Omg I got news that I passed my BIG exam that I took in early June!!!!! I can’t believe it!! Soooo many hours of stidying and worrying! I can’t believe it…



  217.  #217Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:46 am

    I’ve fortunately never had that problem EXCEPT with my first guy, who was pretty f*cking rich, and cheap as hell (and violent and mean and he sucked lol)

    when he contacted me a couple years later after i broke up with him, i channeled his desire for me into donating to my organization. I literally responded to his email with “hey have you ever considered making a monthly donation to my organization?”
    lol



  218.  #218Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Congrats Memulo. I feel very happy about ur success 🙂

    U GO GIRL!!!!



  219.  #219Daria on July 24, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I talked to Daria with a lot of silence, listening when she said… That feels boring

    I didn’t talk over her or her press her

    She was genuinely enthused at the game yeah!

    I’m getting how to treat myself more and more

    No more ‘hurry daria’

    ‘remember Daria’

    ‘it’s ok Daria

    Also the system of rewards is outtie. After reading that book which showed how it’s made to disempower people. To take away from the awareness of their natural desire for what the activity is

    So no more talking to myself that way or setting myself up that way.

    No more social program that disempowered me.

    I have a natural joy in transforming my environment to beauty

    No need to be pushed or bribed, just get down to the pleasure and honor it

    Same w my body

    I feel desperate that I will ‘lose’ this info and the feeling of the way I felt to ‘get’ this in the moment

    It came from tapping on I’m not enough I have to do More

    More working out!

    Whatever ‘working out’ means to a natural human

    Well actually humans naturally love to move!

    So them the thought do more was a social programmed thought!!!!

    Cliches I say are preprogrammed and worded a certain way… And I’m noticing and shifting mu speech

    Words feel Soo important

    They create my reality, my thinking and my vibe



  220.  #220Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Ok I had some bread, cheese and pickle to eat.

    Still not exaclty uber healthy but an improvement on pot noodle.

    In a minute it will be time to get ready for my class tonight. Although I don’t expect many people to show up as it is very hot and sunny here right now! It always feels harder work with a small class, but what the heck, I will just go along and have a dance.

    Afterwards I intend to go to the supermarket and get myself something reasonable to eat.

    And then get to bed at a reasonable time too.

    Should be ok.

    I have not heard back from S and his appointment finished nearly an hour ago. Maybe he is actually thinking about some stuff!

    Hmmmm, no no hon, focus back on me!!!

    Oh yeah.

    So now I am going to check my bank account and update my books with the money I earnt last night and today.

    Oh, and I spoke to my Mum, just a little bit about what has been happening with me, cus I felt weird about floating round the house and being in my bed during the day without telling her something.

    She was sweet about it.

    I am lucky to have supportive family.

    I also told her I intend to help out round the house a bit more, now that work is winding down a bit, over the summer.



  221.  #221Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:51 am

    yay brilliant memulo:)



  222.  #222Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 9:52 am

    And I did my hair yesterday but it doesn’t look as wavy as I wanted it to be. Uhhn. I guess I’ll just be happy the way I look.

    Boys like me 🙂



  223.  #223Tam on July 24, 2012 at 9:57 am

    197 – thank you Goldenflower, wholeheartedly agree with what you are saying…and some men are just not able to do a real relationship, even if sometimes they want to. I feel this is the case here.
    He gets more of a thrill out of meeting new girls and dropping them, or being dropped by them – at a guess (though these dates never seem to progress anywhere at all)…and when he gets bored of having these online ‘friendships’ and coffee/dinner dates, he will come back to me because I am always there and he loves my company….I don’t pressurize, complain – I am just happy whatever we do and it’s always fun. I am one of his best friends and he is sexually attracted to me – but that’s where it stops, clearly. He has no need to turn it into anything else, even if sex isn’t on the menu anymore…he will miss it and get cranky and he will try – but he will also accept my boundaries just to be with me.
    All of that to him is more acceptable than either losing my company or making a commitment. And if I am in his vicinity, I am ‘the girlfriend’, and if I am not, I am not.
    For me, however, that isn’t enough in the long run. I would love to have the patience to see how things would unfold, but after 2 years of this back and forth I am just tired and exhausted of it all. I do feel that it has moved into better territory and we have become closer, and much more open – and perhaps I am impatient. Who knows.



  224.  #224Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Nearly time to get ready for class.

    I may start getting ready a bit early to help myself fulfil my aim of being better at time keeping.



  225.  #225Tam on July 24, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Memulo!!!! CONGRATS girl!!! 🙂



  226.  #226Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Tam re 223

    Yes, sounds like you are ready to move on with your own life and not wait around on this guy.

    That is great.

    🙂



  227.  #227Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I feel really upset right now. Those of you who have me on facebook know that I have a profile picture of my “party girl” self. A part of me which everyone who knows me intimately is well aware of. My mothers side of the family is extremely social and LOVE to party. My aunts on my father’s side (some of them) love it also but because my grandparents are very conservative, most fo the family gatherings on that side end up being us eating ice cream and making toasts, which is fine because i still dance the night away, even if its just my mother, my brothers and myself. One of my aunts on my fatehrs side sometimes makes comments that i dont like but i dont let it stop me or make me feel uncomfortable because like i said….. people are very aware that im this fun loving, rockstar-sht loving party girl and Im a dancer, so i just end up doing my thing.

    My picture of FB is a picture taken by a party photographer from the back of me dancing.

    My mother saw it and when we were on the phone one day she said “I see you changed your FB profile picture” I laughed and said “yeah” and that was the end of our converation.

    A couple days later i got a FB message from my sister (half sister, we have the same father) asking em to take down my picture. I just didnt respond but left it up.

    My mother called me last night, using the same words in ym sister’s message, asking em to take down my picture…. I still didn’t and she could hear that I was upset but I didnt say anything.

    She sent me another message this morning asking me to take her advice etc. I have nothing against people offering advice, but if i choose not to take it, then thats that.

    My mother never even thought i should take ti down until my sister said something.

    What a gers me is that THIS IS WHO I AM…. they keep saying “you will be looking for a job one day….. what if your boss sees it?”
    First of all, my boss does not have me on FB and would mever even guess my FB name because its actually not my first and last name.
    Secondly, i could care less about getting a job in corporate america after graduation. I told my father two nights ago that regardless of my major, i could never be happy waking up and going to an office every day, and that I only dd it because i like math anyway. So i really dont give a f*ck about getting that kind of job after graduation.

    And honestly its not even about the job or any of that stuff, its the fact that my family wants me to completely HIDE certain aspects of myself. I CAN NOT accept that.

    I feel furious
    I am actually crying about this, Im just so angry.
    and im NOT taking the picture down.



  228.  #228Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Im going to respond to her message now in FM, not my sister though, but my mother, just out of respect.



  229.  #229Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Thank you girls!!!



  230.  #230Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Yayy Memulo. Another lesson that there is no need to worry.



  231.  #231Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Three guys died protecting their GFs in Colorado.
    Sad 🙁



  232.  #232Rebecca on July 24, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Urgh..

    I feel down today. I got phoned up by an agent today who was saying really positive things about a job he was going to put me forward for. It sounded like a similar one to one I had already been rejected for. Turns out it was and now I look really stupid, and am feeling really down.. I’m feeling bad about the whole thing, I’m worried my ex-boss is plotting against me… (((( ahhh paranoid thoughts))))



  233.  #233Rebecca on July 24, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Urgh..

    I feel down today. I got phoned up by an agent today who was saying really positive things about a job he was going to put me forward for. It sounded like a similar one to one I had already been rejected for. Turns out it was and now I look really stupid, and am feeling really down.. I’m feeling bad about the whole thing, I’m worried my ex-boss is plotting against me… (((( ahhh paranoid thoughts))))



  234.  #234Raven on July 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

    hello!

    i think my comment / question was moderated away! it never got posted.

    does Rori not allow any talk about * on her dating blog?

    is that a forbidden topic for Rori?

    what about the consequences of diva behavior for the modern siren?

    my questions were legitimate and heart-wrenching and appropriate. maybe some of you might have similar questions!

    i feel shame. i feel anger. i feel sadness. i feel fear.



  235.  #235Shar lean way back on July 24, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Oh, regarding relationships where the man loves you a little more than you love him. I saw something on t.v. some time ago where they studied couples that had been happily married for many years. The study concluded that the men did put the women on a slight pedestal. I wish I could remember the program and more about it.



  236.  #236Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Francesca this is great practice in “agreeing to disagree”. To notice how you fight. Your body’s responses to “authority” telling you what to do.



  237.  #237FlowerChild77 on July 24, 2012 at 10:36 am

    (((Radlove))) I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad and lonely. I’m wondering if you’ve agreed to something you didn’t really mean, can’t really hold up to….just to be able to spend time with R.

    I could not just be ‘friends’ with a man I had romantic feelings for. I know myself—and that would be too painful and unhealthy for me.

    I understand that the time you spent with him felt ‘intense’ and intimate…..and now you feel empty and alone. (((((Hugs)))))

    It seems that R is simply taking you at your word when you say you can just be friends with him.

    I hope your date today goes well and that you can see some hope for a different future ahead <3



  238.  #238Dominique on July 24, 2012 at 10:36 am

    #196 – Oh my goodness Starla, no…this was not the intent of the article at all. I feel very curious how you extrapolated this from it.

    I watched you the entire way through, and from where I sit, you were fine, more than fine, you were awesome.

    Please, please try not to be so hard on precious you.

    Sending love.

    xxoo



  239.  #239Rebecca on July 24, 2012 at 10:41 am

    Aaah Emoticon that is so sad about the boyfriends..

    I need to stop being so self-absorbed, there is far worse happening in the world than me being out of work.. Pfff



  240.  #240Dominique on July 24, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Way to go Memulo!!!

    xxoo



  241.  #241Dominique on July 24, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Raven – I will assume you mean s*x? No topic is forbidden here though graphic descriptions of said topic can be monitored due to an affiliate RR has. There is a list of words pre-programmed to go into moderation for various reasons. When in doubt, do as I did with the word. Try posting your question again like this.

    xxoo



  242.  #242Starla on July 24, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Dominique, it’s really just my own trigger
    Honestly, even if I had been the bestest siren ever, leaning back fully and having no expectations whatsoever, it would have been the most tiring, insecure, life-long dance for me, just to make sure he doesn’t poof.
    blah



  243.  #243Dominique on July 24, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Shar lean way back – #235 – May I invite you to read what I just posted in this subject.

    http://sexandheart.com/does-your-man-love-you-more-than-you-him#comment-2070

    xxoo



  244.  #244Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 11:11 am

    236 Was meant for Emoticon



  245.  #245Emoticon on July 24, 2012 at 11:19 am

    FW thank you. My general response to authority telling me what to do is to feel angry. I literally feel sick to my stomach when ti lingers on my mind.

    I usually (even when i was a little girl) did what I wanted to anyway, unless I was absolutely convinced that your way was better than mine.



  246.  #246Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I should do some deep inner exploration about myself. Why do I like boys? I’m 22 years old, I’m not a teenager. But I feel like a 30 year old man is too old for me. Even a 26 year old? Ughh. I feel like they make me afraid. I don’t see myself married any time soon and I feel scared of having to think about it if I’m with an older guy. Would that be why?

    It’s not that I am afraid of getting married. I just don’t want to HAVE to think about it while I am with someone. If it comes on the way, then welcome! I think about marriage a lot and it is a precious dream for me, but I don’t want to push myself into it. For some reason, older guys give me that sensation of too much seriousness too soon. I enjoy things when they happen smoothly, and when I don’t know what may happen.

    All guys I’ve dated are college students. Some more mature than others, but college students. They’ve been one year ± my age, mostly younger. I wonder why is this pattern? I don’t want a “boy” for me. I want a SOLID relationship. I want to feel loved, heard, cared about. I want someone to feel in love with, someone who I can feel like a priority, someone to go have dinner with, go to the movies with, go to his parents’ house with, someone I can introduce to my family. I want a man I can feel secure with. That excites me.

    But why do I look for that man in someone who always ends up being a little boy, a little kid? Someone on his way to grow up?

    I feel very mature. I don’t want any of that.

    I like going out, going to parties and bars and dancing and everything, but I wouldn’t mind staying home with my boy watching a movie, or go to his family’s for a weekend, or just go chill out with him. I just enjoy myself while I’m single. I mean I’m young. But I’ve never thought about dating someone 5 years older or something like that, which will surely give me all the things I need instead of these constant wars for never agreeing with each other.

    I still wonder why did I stay in my past relationship? I clearly knew I was not a priority. I don’t even remember going out on an actual date with him. He would always make plans with his friends and I would go with him sometimes. Ugh. How stupid. Where were my boundaries? I never felt secure with him so why didn’t I save myself? Why didn’t I leave him? Just because he said he loved me. Blah blah. I was trying to make him the man I wanted. How naive. Dear me, I feel so glad you are opening your eyes now.

    Anddddd I feel happy about how much I’ve learned.

    But the inquiry is still there, why am I attracted to boys and not men?

    ….



  247.  #247Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I feel sometimes that I am not ‘enough’ so that he is not sharing his pain with me.

    I did not tell him I passed the exam.



  248.  #248ruth on July 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Sone fascinating stuff today



  249.  #249Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    I feel so good doing this inner exploration. I feel so positive I will get what I want and will receive the love I deserve and will be in the most enjoyable relationship. I am too valuable. I am the best any guy can ever have. I am beautiful, honest, caring, understanding, devoted. I have too much love to give. And I am giving it to myself now. I want to feel full of love. I feel warm and caring today.

    And I feel like I am in the transition from girl to woman. And it feels good. It feels thrilling.



  250.  #250Starla on July 24, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Jasmine, I’m the same. I ALWAYS feel attracted to younger guys. Even high school aged *makes creepy face* but I never ever dated anyone more than a few years younger.

    I’m trying not to date anyone younger than 25 now. I am constantly approached by younger men, and it’s probably because I look pretty young myself.

    I can’t imagine dating someone who is more than 5 or 10 years older than me. They look like they should be my dad or something lol. they look boring.



  251.  #251ruth on July 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

    jasmine, hi

    In my experience, girls mature quicker than boys
    So you at 22 would be better suited to a man 5 or so years older to give you what you want
    xx
    A 22 year old is stil a boy, really



  252.  #252Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Starla,

    Haha you totally feel me on that.

    I know right? It’s just the same thing with me, I think they look boring or like dads. Or that they might not be as exciting. But then younger guys give too much trouble. It’s weird.



  253.  #253Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Ruth,

    Yeah I know that! That’s why I wonder why I am attracted to them though. But then 5 years older feels too old to me.



  254.  #254Shar lean way back on July 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Yes Dominique, my guess, based on what I know now is these woment were a “high degree of difficulty” and were in their feminine. The men just seemed to “adore” them and the women just sort of accepted and maybe even expected it.



  255.  #255Starla on July 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

    my therapist reminds me that I’m 27 and totally not boring, even though I have my life together and have a good head on my shoulders and am super responsible.



  256.  #256Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

    But I definitely don’t want boys anymore. Such people are not worth my time and energy.



  257.  #257ruth on July 24, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Jasmine

    its not too old, dont rule it out

    You might just get true respect for your feelings

    of course , i may be biased
    When i was your age, i was in a relationship with a guy 7 years older

    that felt right



  258.  #258Brazilian Siren on July 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Hi Dancing Siren,

    Once I had a boyfriend (fiancé) who had drug issues that it gives him psychological issues. I did know what to do at that time. He really loves me. I was sure about it, but I only had 20 years old at that time. But I choose to stay and live with him. We had good and bad moments and I do not regret any day I had with him. After 5 years of my decision, he decided to kill himself. He couldn’t handle the sickness.

    But I want to share the big question his doctor asked me when I decided to stay in this situation.
    He said:
    How do you see him? Do you see him beyond the drug issue? Do you feel he is more than this problems? It is your choice.



  259.  #259ruth on July 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

    “responsible” does not equal “boring”

    I have been in a very “responsible” job since i was 23)doctor)

    I do not consider myself boring at all

    Boring is a state of mind, isnt it??

    Hmm, triggered. sorry



  260.  #260Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

    209: Leading with a monetary offer feels rude. And a bit creepy.



  261.  #261Mel on July 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

    @ Jasmine and Starla,

    I have never really dated someone much older than me either… But after my marriage broke up, I decided NOT to date anyone that wasn’t at least 5 years older. My EX was still a “baby” in a life-stage sort of way (we got married young) and didn’t really know what he wanted. I didn’t want this dynamic again.

    Mr A. is older (7 years)… and most times it doesn’t feel that way at all. Unless we are talking about favorite childhood movies and I’m like, Oh, I was only 3 when that came out… LOL



  262.  #262Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

    But on the other hand, I have seen really young guys who are very mature.

    Ruth,

    I don’t know, I just haven’t been through the experience. I’m not “ruling it out” it’s just the way I feel about it. Some women like older guys, some like them younger. I usually like them around my age.



  263.  #263ruth on July 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Its quite unusual for a 27 year old to want to get married tbh
    Try it and see



  264.  #264Starla on July 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Ruth, what I’m saying is I see these guys my age and older, who look their age and dress their age and have good jobs and their lives together, and I think “omg he looks so boring.”

    Like he wouldn’t connect with me on any level at all, except talking about boring intellectual things.

    Like he wouldn’t appreciate the magic that runs through my blood.

    magic!

    he must appreciate my stardust-based respiratory functions. shimmer, shimmer:)



  265.  #265ruth on July 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

    I mean if you are just CD, then it doesnt really matter, does it?
    Give it a go
    You might like, you might not
    Up to you whether you carry on or not

    the world is at your feet when you are 22
    🙂



  266.  #266Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Mel,

    That’s exactly what I am stopping myself from doing. I have been with too many babies and I want a man who knows what he wants in life. I don’t blame any of them I just didn’t make a wise choice in my past relationships. So a few trials should have been enough.



  267.  #267Starla on July 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Meanwhile, I have MY life together and my career is on straight and all that good stuff, and I’m not at all boring. Soooo, it’s a perception thing for me.

    I also relentlessly attract musicians, famous and amateur, which is no good for me. THEY can automatically sniff out the stardust on me. But those guys will never provide for me the stable, secure relationship I’m looking for. But it feels so flattering and magical to have guys that women are literally throwing themselves at ditching those girls to come talk to me. They think I’m some wonderful creation. Awww



  268.  #268Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Ruth,

    264 – LOL. I liked that.



  269.  #269ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Ah, I seee starla

    Hm, i am old enough to be your mum(47)
    But, well, i see lots of guys in their 20s who seem so *not* together
    it would not have floated my boat in my 20s

    Not that i wanted to be boring,but i wanted to be treated with respect and courtesy.
    Hmmm, when i was 22, i didnt realise that i didnt think i was worth it
    But dont judge a book by the cover

    mnay seemingly “boring intellectuals” can be hot dynamite
    Actually, for me i *need * a guy to have a bit of the “boring intellectuals”.means he can woo and be interesting and not just do the usual guy thing
    it might not be obvious at first

    heym guess we are all different

    but stay open



  270.  #270Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    HS is running around getting ready for the party.
    I am being as pleasant as possible, and when I feel the anger rising up I am going off by myself or processing it with my gfs.
    In a little while I am going out with a male friend, a photographer that we met at a party last year.
    He is polyamorous with a long term primary partner, but he is a great guy and he likes me.
    I have nothing against the Poly lifestyle it just isn’t for me.
    I am glad to have some simple uncomplicated attention.



  271.  #271Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    I believe nature was wrong when making women grow up faster than men as we’re usually surrounded by people of our same age (School/College)

    Why not grow up at the same time?

    Weird things in life…….



  272.  #272Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    That would save a lot of heartache.



  273.  #273ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    FW thank you for the link to dominiques site 🙂

    Goldenflower-i love reiki, did level 2 years ago, and should refresh



  274.  #274Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Raven,

    234 – Is this the post to which you are referring?

    There is a new comment on the post “When You Have To Leave Him Behind”.
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/when-you-have-to-leave-him-behind/

    Author: raven
    Comment:
    Hello Rori,

    I’ve been reading your eBook and listening to some CDs that a friend gave me (she got married so they’re mine now!) And I’m fascinated with the concept of circular dating.

    I wonder if I might ask you if my situation sounds awful to you? I live far away from my family and I really have no one here to talk with about these things.

    I’ve been dating a guy for two years and yes, we’re exclusive. (I wish I’d heard about your philosophy earlier! – but there’s no time like the present to change things.)

    I’m not a sex diva. I haven’t had a lot of sex with different men because I’ve been married twice. Once with hardly any sex and once with pretty good sex!

    I got engaged to a guy and that didn’t work out. We broke up in 2008. And then I started dating this guy.

    I wanted to have sex with him so I went to the doctor and had myself tested for STDs and gave him my pink slip stating that I was healthy. I asked him to do the same and he said he would.

    Before he did it, I had sex with him! (mistake) So then, of course, he didn’t see the need to go. So instead of pushing the point, I just got myself tested. Over and over and my doctor was saying, “What’s up?” And she refused to test me until he got tested.

    And then… I saw some itty bitty bumps on him… and I refused to have sex with him until he was tested. Do you know that he waited NINE months to be tested? (And lied to me twice that he’d been to the doctor when he hadn’t!) And then when he got tested, and showed me the paper, he was only tested for chlamydia? I asked him to go back to the doctor and get tested for herpes. Which he did. And he had HSV I and HSV II.

    So that was in May.

    I’m not sure what to do now. I’ve been out of town a lot and I’ve been able to not have sex with him a lot, but it’s getting to be a pressure cooker. I don’t want to just use condoms because – and this is just me – they’re not 100% effective. And I love sex so much that I don’t want to jeopardize my chances of marrying my dream man one day.

    Is he my dream man?

    Well, we fight a lot. I’d press the marriage question and walk away if he said no right now, because two years is LONG ENOUGH to be a girlfriend! But… I’m not sure I want to marry him!

    I need a little more time with him to decide.

    Is it too much to ask him to just be friends while I decide?

    What to do, what to do?

    When we get together, he presses me for sex. If I say okay about a condom, he fusses about it. Says he doesn’t like it. Can’t feel a thing. Is that disrespectful?

    I’m confused.

    I could always choose abstinence and then he would leave but then would I feel devastated?

    I could say I wanted to circular date, but that’d make him pop the question at this point, and I’m not sure I want that!

    I loved what you said a few posts ago – about leaving the man behind – and it was the last thing you said – not sure how to scroll down to it now! But that was brilliant! I’m gonna read it again.

    Can you help Rori?

    Thank you so much!

    Raven



  275.  #275Tam on July 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    It really depends on the man, I had a very mature and ‘together’ bf when I was very young, he was 24 and looking for wife and family.
    And my best relationship from 21 to 26 years of age with a man same age. He was still a little immature but he was great in the relationship and never looking for other girls or to play around.
    If anything I found the older men more cynical when it comes to relationships. The ’50 and never married’ lot that isn’t going to be ‘tied down’ ever, or the guys who have already been through a divorce or even several, many laying all the blame on the women.
    I found dating easier in my 20’s, and relationships too, somehow you grew together and nobody had been disillusioned yet, i e been through umpteen relationships.
    I like men that are around 10 yrs older than me nowadays but it never worked out with any of them, so I conclude age matters little 😉



  276.  #276Tam on July 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    It really depends on the man, I had a very mature and ‘together’ bf when I was very young, he was 24 and looking for wife and family.
    And my best relationship from 21 to 26 years of age with a man same age. He was still a little immature but he was great in the relationship and never looking for other girls or to play around.
    If anything I found the older men more cynical when it comes to relationships. The ’50 and never married’ lot that isn’t going to be ‘tied down’ ever, or the guys who have already been through a divorce or even several, many laying all the blame on the women.
    I found dating easier in my 20’s, and relationships too, somehow you grew together and nobody had been disillusioned yet, i e been through umpteen relationships.
    I like men that are around 10 yrs older than me nowadays but it never worked out with any of them, so I conclude age matters little 😉



  277.  #277ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Starla
    i gues you just keep sprinkling that stardust and lapping up the attention from it
    You dont have to *do* anything at all other than enjoy and revel in it, do you

    I must confes to feeling curious about what you look like



  278.  #278ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Oh heck raven

    this man does not sound nice at all

    sorry



  279.  #279Starla on July 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Ruth, I look really nerdy. That’s what’s so funny about it all. 😀
    Girls have judged me as ugly a lot
    But their men don’t, *mischievous look*
    I’ve stopped worrying about if I look good enough.



  280.  #280Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Tam,

    275 – I agree. There’s always an exception for every rule. There might be really immature old guys as there can be really mature young guys.

    I think it all depends on the way they were brought up, the environment they grew up on… their friends/activities…

    I just hope my next guy gives me what I want whatever his age is. I don’t feel like I’ve had an ACTUAL relationship. I deserve too much.



  281.  #281Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Starla,

    You wear glasses?



  282.  #282Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    My gfs have been telling me that HS is immature at age 63. Never married, only child, no kids, parents gone. He has cousins and that is it.



  283.  #283Starla on July 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    yes, and i have a big nose and biiiig crazy curly hair and not the nicest skin either
    i love it all 😀



  284.  #284Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    I also have a hard time getting “good guys” approaching me. Most guys come to me because “I’m hot”.

    It’s good but it’s bad. Hate it.



  285.  #285ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    I dont know what “nerdy” looks like ha ha
    I dont look conventional, not even in my job



  286.  #286ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    and there are certainly immature older guys LOL

    Hm, I do feel curious to see what people look like on here

    face to the name and all that
    Which means i should go first right

    Ha ha



  287.  #287Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Raven,

    234 – P.S. This was Rori’s response to you:

    There is a new comment on the post “When You Have To Leave Him Behind”.
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/when-you-have-to-leave-him-behind/

    Author: Rori Raye
    Comment:
    Raven – you have to use condoms. Period. That’s my take on disease prevention. As for birth control – that’s another story – I’d look into diaphragms, sponges, and anything else out there that’s new and okay to use with a condom (I can’t ever encourage pills because that messes with your body….)And you need some communication skills. That’s what you’ll learn here. Also – yeah, 2 years is long enough for a man to know what he wants – and perhaps, if you guys fight a bit, or he doesn’t quite feel like you’re the one but wants to keep you around – he’s not going to be the one to rock the boat. Love, Rori



  288.  #288Starla on July 24, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    ruth, a lot of us are fb friends with each other, but people find me through mutual sirens, cuz i don’t give out my info here (i’m scared of getting indexed by google)



  289.  #289ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Missbells, i dunno what to say to you

    I just want to scream to you to get out, but thats simplistic , isnt it



  290.  #290FlowerChild77 on July 24, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Starla!! You are BEAUTIFUL!! :-O

    You have beautiful hair and beautiful eyes. I know we are always our harshest critics—but I don’t see how you can look in the mirror and not see the beauty!

    Women who judge you as “ugly” are only jealous because they see/feel your stardust too.

    Love to you—love to you—forgiveness to you (for thinking you’re ‘ugly’) <3



  291.  #291Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Oh I have naturally curly hair too (although I use it straight or wavy most of the time) and not the best skin either haha. But people say I look very exotic. And pretty. And sexy. I have all kinds of looks.



  292.  #292Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I want to see everybody too!



  293.  #293Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    FlowerChild,

    237 – Thank you! I don’t think R really means it when he says just friends. But I am not willing to stay stuck anymore, and I intend to CD my little heart out all the more.

    Sometimes people don’t see the light until they feel the heat!



  294.  #294ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Hm, yes starla, best to keep anonymous if possible

    Strange i used my real name on here

    Hmm



  295.  #295ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    You can post links on here, right?

    i do have a public photo site which is mostly about my running stuff9i take loads of pictures if i do a scenic race)

    But some photos of me too



  296.  #296Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    My picture is really me.
    I don’t use my professional name because I have a big web-presence and this is private.
    I have almost maxed my fb but still have room for a few more. I tend to post happy beautiful stuff and informative helpful stuff.
    If you want to find me it isn’t hard to do.



  297.  #297ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    I do have a FB account but work colleagues and some relatives are on there.



  298.  #298Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Wow Raven. For me my health would take priority.



  299.  #299ruth on July 24, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    How do you do a pic on here?



  300.  #300Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    How do you upload a picture on here?



  301.  #301Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Jasmine and Ruth,

    You can go to gravatar.com to upload a picture. It’s free and easy.



  302.  #302Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Here is an excellent article by Margaret Paul on Self-Abandonment. It really spoke to me for where I’m at with R:

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3225/are-you-abandoning-yourself.html



  303.  #303Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Radlove,

    I don’t think I will do mine haha I was just curious



  304.  #304ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    okay
    and that links to this site then??

    Hm, now i have to choose a pic LOL

    This is me last week
    Old enough to be Jasmines mom
    🙂

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/7736510@N08/7614576064/in/photostream/#



  305.  #305Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    I see you Ruth!!

    I wish I could have a link for mine, I just don’t want to have my pic permanently on here



  306.  #306ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I used to hate photos of me

    there are virtually none between 28-38 years old

    But then i stated running
    🙂



  307.  #307Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Rad love, one suggestion I would be is to totally drop what’s happened in the past, let it go, don’t talk about it with him, it feels do much better when you accept and move forward. It also keeps things light and fresh.



  308.  #308Daria on July 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    ‘Normal’ comes from the ‘Bell Curve’ social programming

    And

    ‘Necessary’ comes from scarcity and Darwinian derived ‘survival of the fittest’ social programming

    Woohoo

    Im seeing this

    I feel relieved and smiling

    I feel like I can put down a great burden

    I can be in charge of my thinking

    🙂

    Ahhh it feels sweet in my chest

    My butt is jumping

    My legs are moving

    ****
    Addendum

    To say its normal and necessary to is a now programmed phrase of a leader a persuasive speaker…

    Hmmm

    Socialized ways of speaking

    I was choosing my words and looked at these ones and saw they’re background code for the first time

    What I’m declaring thru my language



  309.  #309Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    : Darla says:
    I everyone I need help ! I’m new to this and just found this site so i hope I’m doing this right.I am involved with a married man 8 months now. he chased me hard. i was in a relationship at the time I ended my relationship to be with Him. it was all good until June. i guess reality set in for him. we are both in our 50s and he has house 5 kids ages 18 to 28 grown. He told me that his wife and him have not been together sexually for 16 years. and he has been sleeping on the couch for that long or longer. our relation at first was great but all we seem to do now is argue about when I’m going to see him and or breaking up. it seemed the closer we got the more he pulled back. I believe he loves me and he does not love with his wife. we made promises and made plans to be together for the next 30 yrs. I don’t know how to let go of him . help please!
    Rori Raye says:
    Darla – I generally don’t coach women involved with married men – but this is Virginia Clark’s specialty (http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com)! She LOVES working with you in that situation – but not to get the man. Men hardly ever leave their wives, no matter how bad things are. And arguing is going to insure he never does leave her. Right now, he has a couch to sleep on, a home to live in, complete independence, and you. What more could he want! What you think he thinks or needs with regards to “love” is likely not true. Please Circular Date. Love, Rori
    Rori Raye says:
    Darla (married man Darla) – I have another thought here – are you absolutely SURE you don’t like things the way they are, too? You have a man who’s sexually exclusive to you, who likely would spend a LOT of time with you if you focused on only having fun with him, and who is NOT your responsibility as he ages! Unless what you want is children – and – if you had one with him (I don’t know your age) – you could likely get enough support to make that work for yourself, you might get all kinds of perks with him – travel, jewelry – just the romantic stuff, and none of the everyday stuff. If you can look at this without judgment of him OR you – and really see what it is you actually WANT (not what you THINK you want) – you may have more options than you think you do. Love, Rori



  310.  #310Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Radlove,

    302 – Pretty wise words. PRETTY wise.

    Ruth,

    Why didn’t you like pictures?



  311.  #311ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Cor blimey, i never had to vet a picture for naughtiness before
    🙂



  312.  #312Starla on July 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    ruth, i LOVE your dress, i want to borrow it!



  313.  #313Starla on July 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    thank you, flowerchild! it feels so nice to read your compliments:)



  314.  #314ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    jasmine
    i have big self esteem issues and I got a lot fatter at that age(got married)

    For some reason running photos were okay-even when i was fat
    Now, well, Phoots for me are really important as a record
    of course its easier now we are digital, you can get rid of photos, but i can recall sending away for them and not knowing what you would get ha ha

    I am not that keen on the way i lok, but I accept it
    Which is massive progress

    LOL, Im 47



  315.  #315Tam on July 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Ruth, you look lovely and feminine and very similar to a good friend of mine from Guernsey!!!:)



  316.  #316Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Ruth,

    You were fat?? You look really skinny!! I wouldn’t believe it.

    We all have had bad pictures times. There was a time when I didn’t like being taken pictures or recorded on videos, I had terrible acne problems when I was a teenager. It was bad.



  317.  #317Daria on July 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    U kno what I kno?

    People used to be dragons and dinosaurs

    When I do my snake dance, I can feel it



  318.  #318Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Ruth,

    304 – Thanks for sharing! Nice pics! How long was the run you were in?

    Yes, if you upload a photo to gravatar it will automatically appear here.



  319.  #319Daria on July 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    My arms open like wings and I feel like I’m swimming through air

    My spine undulating and keeping my lil head

    I feel afraid of my eyes gettin hurt this from when I was baby



  320.  #320Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I feel like I’m down for the count financially after losing my job at the end of June. Unemployment still hasn’t kicked in, and all my bills are due or overdue. I feel scared that I’m going to lose everything I worked so hard for: my pets, my home, my internet and electricity which I need for either jobhunting or working at home, and my credit, which I finally rebuilt after 20 years. Sigh!



  321.  #321ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Thank you starla
    🙂
    I got it cheap too, from one of my favourite shops, dont think you have them in th US (laura Ashley)

    Right well, ok, back to topic
    i did a load of feeling messages last night
    I had a big fat silence for about 12 hours(it was by text-no choice)

    and then a huge leaning forward from him
    he sent me an e mail quoting all my feelings and saying it was a lot to deal with-he just quoted the feeling messages without the stuff around it
    I was actually expecting an end to it all when i just let out the feeling messages( i had had enough and i just wanted to be heard and if that meant he left for good well, i was ready for that)
    I did not even expect a reply!
    I was bracing myself for the big heave ho!

    okay this works but it has to be a bit controlled, no?

    Phew



  322.  #322Daria on July 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    I’m giving myself permission to be a full adult

    A
    D I don’t want to squirt anything into the eyes of babies

    I feel like plunging my hand in deep and squeezing something

    I don’t want to do that to mu cat

    I can squeeze the green jewel

    Imagination

    I’m a full adult

    It’s not important <<– social engineering

    Yay I'm shifting and being in charge of my thoughts

    I feel happy and do excited

    I feel a smile and tingly hot lip on top I feel like mi lips are made of gold



  323.  #323ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Yuck radlove, that is not a nice place to be
    🙁

    Hope you get sorted soonest
    xx

    (I am a serial marathon runner.I run every day too,but the pic is in a lovely place in wiltshire, England.one of the non running ones i like)



  324.  #324ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Jasmine, ha ha
    I am not “skinny”
    i was at Uni, and i was not well then
    i am curvy and , relatively ok with me now

    Thats HUGE prgoress form the self hatred i had even when skinny

    here i am in 2002
    My first marathon

    You can be larger and run
    🙂

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/7736510@N08/5438201871/in/set-72157618395886115



  325.  #325Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Turquoise,

    307 – I agree about not bringing up the past. I have been trying to do that for a year. HE is the one who keeps bringing it up, wanting to clear his name and reputation. So at this stage, I am only discussing it when he brings it up.

    I have been trying to get a fresh start with him for a year. I think he is finally ready. And I am keeping my eyes wide open.



  326.  #326Daria on July 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    More socially engineered thought…

    If u smoke weed ur not Adult…

    As if ur not adult enough to choose to be led by curiosity and spirituality

    ‘adult enough’

    A catch’ phrase

    Then say whatever

    Wow noticing all these thoughts feels relaxing

    I hear the birds outside and the freeway sounds like the ocean

    Wat if that is the ocean

    I’m part of everything of water laughing waves of smiling happy people celebrating



  327.  #327ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    daria?

    dragons and dinosaurs?



  328.  #328Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Ruth,

    321 – Yes, we have Laura Ashley. I’ve seen them at malls.



  329.  #329bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    ruth, i love those pictures! the one from your first marathon, you look SO HAPPY : ) fun to see! thank you for sharing !!!



  330.  #330ruth on July 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Tam, that is a sweet post , thank you too



  331.  #331Daria on July 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Water music drums life

    Wen did the drum get taken out of Romania

    Drums wake the forest

    The rainforest the plant the vine the green sap in life my soul and

    Social engineered ADHD! I jumped into my head there after not trusting myself and asking myself to ‘reconsider’ I got all shocked and traumatized and I was off in a ‘story… That didn’t feel good

    I watched batman last nite that was so socially engineered and I saw it even more than before

    This book has changed my mind

    My whole body is my mind

    My foot says ouch

    I feel ‘naughty’ ok that word was a socially engineered relational stunting

    And so are All the archetypes and there’s so many some slip attention

    A d I can heal all of this with my now excellent aware attention

    Yay:)

    I see more of my thoughts!

    It feels so fun having a relationship w myself

    Lots of Mes I can hear more voices saying everyday things

    Directives don’t feel good to me — also socially programmed into language



  332.  #332Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Ruth,

    Congratulations on your weight loss and marathon running!



  333.  #333Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Ruth,

    You do look completely different now! Way skinnier!! Nice pic!! I’m a bad runner hahah



  334.  #334ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Bloom-ing

    wow you dont even see the fat??

    Jeez, i need to think about things



  335.  #335Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I was thinking this morning I will just do some P90x exercise at my place. I definitely can’t keep up with running.



  336.  #336Daria on July 24, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    In school I wasn’t ‘attractive’ because I was ‘smart’. And ‘smart’ women aren’t socialized to be attractive… Ie have sucessful male female relationships and therefore self directed families

    Instead they are socialized to behave in a masculine way… Effectively sterilizing women labeled as ‘smart’ or at least impeding them from fully developing as root and mother… Grandmather… Goddess female figure of the family

    I see it ! And I’m changing it

    🙂

    I feel smiled up

    I feel powerful



  337.  #337Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Hey where is Ulii?



  338.  #338ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Running didnt make me lose weight
    ran 50 maras at that size

    its all fine

    it was hard to do it, I was so last every time

    actually i stil struggle
    But hey, its what i do

    I didnt know laura ashley was in the USA



  339.  #339Daria on July 24, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    And this happened In Romania w collectivizing

    And ‘schools’

    Taught ‘smart’ women did not have children they ‘worked’

    Only ‘low class’ ‘foolish’ also ‘gypsy’ women would have plenty children which would ‘likely die of starvation or prostitute and suffer’

    And takes away the root of the household from woman

    Smart intelligent woman

    I am feeling so excited to heal and live



  340.  #340Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Sirens,

    I really need you all at the moment.

    So this was S’s text reply to me earlier:

    “Honey I love you. But I am never going to be the healthy perfect person you seem to think you need. I am though someone who loves you so much, that is willing to, and already has changed his life to make it healthier for himself and the relationship. And has plans to change work, which is a lifestyle that is not healthy ie: food, stress, hours of work – even though I love it. Its just not right for me anymore. I am also a person that would care for you and keep you safe. And basically look after you the best way I could.
    And love you with all my heart. And treat you as a wife (and say any kids we had) as the most loved and cared for things in the world.
    But I can’t ever be perfect.
    But I can be better. And am already better as a person, because of you and how I feel about you – Love. xxxxxx”

    To which I replied quite a long text about my feelings about stuff and how afraid I feel with it all, and how I don’t doubt that we love each other and that I think I see things that maybe he doesn’t. But that I am open to discussing whether there would be a way forward that we both feel comfortable with.

    He replied that has made the tight feeling in his stomach loosen a bit. But then he told me that he is going to tell me and he is currently sitting in the pub having a beer. He thought it is what he needed, but now that he has it, its not.

    This feels like a double edged sword, because on the one hand it feels great that he is being honest, and a step forwards in addiction terms, but obviously not at all great that is what is happening.

    I shared how I felt and asked him what he is planning to do now.

    He said he is going home.

    Well, I feel slightly overwhelmed.

    And at the same time I suppose in some ways nothing has changed.

    As in, I still need to focus on myself, and take amazing care of myself, and follow my feelings and live my boundaries.



  341.  #341ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Know where you are coming from daria

    Makes me a little angry now I am a lot older
    I was invisible and uncool and unworthy because i was good at school



  342.  #342Daria on July 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Ruth – yes dragons and dinosaurs… If you undulate your spine like a snake or whip or fish

    belly dance or can make your spine roll ‘dolphins’ in jazz

    And then arms out wide the snake move makes them open like giant wings and I can feel my body moving like a flying dragon

    Anyone can . any dancing that undulates the spine and put arms out and it will feel the energy flow and feel the bones and movements of the dragon we used to be



  343.  #343bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    ruth,

    i hear you that as a child it’s easy to get social value where you can, & i think many come to assume (for safety’s sake ?) that whatever we learn first must be the “best” way to “esteem” ourselves…….. like, don’t “take a chance” on flirting/trying to be pretty if you’re “just smart”……. & congratulations on shifting that focus (it sounds like) from not just your brain, but your body too… lovely : ) & NO : ) i didn’t see anything but your lovely smile & your womanly body looking strong : ))))))



  344.  #344Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    I was good at school and I wasn’t outgoing or popular but I didn’t care. That just wasn’t my focus. Guys still liked me but I didn’t really mind. I was a good girl, haha



  345.  #345bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    daria, i believe in dragons : ) fairies too! i’m a fairy maybe i think : ) yes actually i decide i am : )



  346.  #346Daria on July 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Mmm I wonder if it would feel fun to video record myself and share



  347.  #347ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Dancing Siren
    I am gonna speak out ot turn here, ignore if you want
    Can you accept him with the alcohol issues??

    he sounds like a lovely man, but that is what you will get
    Some addicts dont want to give up

    Does not make it right or wrong

    But that is what he is offering

    It would mean you being eternally strong and nurturing

    thats not wrong

    but is it what you can live with



  348.  #348ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    sorry, know not one of the regular sirens you deal with but i do understand addiction



  349.  #349Jasmine on July 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Dancing Siren,

    He does sound lovely and caring. I bet it’s a really difficult situation. I’d choose what I can handle better, whether it is being with him with his problem, or leaving him for something better.

    Alcohol or any kind of addiction can become a huge problem. If you’re not happy about it now, you won’t be in the future.

    It’s something you have to think about yourself.



  350.  #350bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    hmmmm…… i always had to “go away” to receive male attention when i was young. i had to “go away” from men who “already knew” that i was a serious Loser who read during recess & did extra work for fun & got taken out of classes for other stuff………….. (((loser))) i love myself…… i cried today noticing i still HATE like actually i feel hot lava in my belly & lungs & eyes….. poor humans, i’m sorry…….. i still really feel tons of hot anger toward the girls who bullied me. i want to say, “you all are bxtches & you put my life at risk. if i was any less strong or if the men hadn’t come to my rescue, you all would have kxlled me” that is so true (((men))) thank you for coming up & taking me.

    in high school, the coolest boys in school took me into their clique. it was so nice i’m crying now. they were my only friends, esp after 2 girls in a row tried to publicly humiliate me ((((girls)))) WHYYYYY i’m sobbing at my desk at work. why. those were my best friends. i had no friends after that for a year except the boys who took me in & the principal of my school. poor self. i’m not a victim. it’s ok to cry though. can you love them? i do love them. i just want them to know that they can hurt people. ohhh baby… poor girl, but i bet you hurt people accidentally too (((people))) (((accidents))) i can try to see it all as accidental….. just miscommunication… OMG i hxte the humans, but i don’t … i just hxte the memories of crying & feeling like…..i seriously would do anything to just have a friend & not have this horribleness. (((it’s ok))) i keep you safe (((little girl))) oh i’m sorry too for not standing up ! for just apologizing & being a baby! i could have been SASSSSSSY but i wasn’t & wish i had let my own man stand up a bit (((man))) but he felt SO shamed after elementary & middle school, being in charge & shaming my sexuality ((((woman))))



  351.  #351ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Bloom-ing
    i have to say, i am sitting here in floods of tears
    i am not ashamed of the fat picture, hell, i was runing a marathon
    But
    You didnt even see the fat
    you saw a smile and the strength
    And, well, i just cant believe that

    *I* do it, i dont judge by shape or size , but i stil expect to be judged myself
    and
    Oh God
    I wish I could have felt validated like that years and years ago

    I am sounding stupid, i know.but.Thank you



  352.  #352bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    i feel mystified a bit around how to heal this…. it really hurts & i feel sad & scared

    i still see all the girls who ripped me apart………… & I HAVE NO IDEA what to do or how to handle it ! i just turn into doormat-wimpy-loser-girl like always awwww poor girl you shouldn’t feel like that – should – do not tell me how to feel – then do not tell me what to do : )

    man. big bummer. slxtty girls in my sorority – i judge them like that because they hit on my boyfriend & would ask my best friend if he was open to flirting/etc./if they could try to get with him….. what the F humans ! leave my sweet man alone !

    so what now, ? you want to hxte humans ? go ahead, but that’s a long, sorrow-full life girlie.

    no that isn’t what i want.

    thank you. thank god for the men. i do not even know how or why that happened. but they rescued me to heaven & made my life easy for the next 7 years. & i never have kissed any of them or even dealt with a come-on ! that’s amazing. i feel safe & loved in that space.

    but they dated those “mean” girls – so i know the girls are full of love & unique-ness & wonderful-ness & soft-ness & kind-ness : ))) i know that for a hard solid fact that feels so good & strong.

    idk. feel a bit tired & sad still but better.



  353.  #353Silver-Tongued Siren on July 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Sirens, I the last several wks since I’ve come back from visiting bio-dad in the town he works in, things have been very up and down for me emotionally. A lot has gone on. I did have a strong interest in being with bio-dad, until he asked me when I was leaving (while I was visiting) and though he could have easily gotten a two bedroom for not much more $ per month, he chose not to. Basically I believe he’s been seeing someone else or just got cold feet.

    Well, after that, we signed an acknowledgement of paternity together, acknowledging him as a biological father. I’ve been 100% willing and participatory in getting all needed paperwork done, yet he tells me the other week when I ask why he hasn’t helped with baby like he said he would, ($$) it was because he was waiting til we had all this paperwork done. Well the biggest one was the birth certificate. He wants his name on it. We started to fill it out once and had to come back for some reason. While there the second time, we had discussed changing baby’s name (*adding* bio-father’s name). He decided we didn’t need to do it today, until he found out the significant difference in cost if we waited. He wanted me to add his name but take AWAY Man-I-Live-With’s name. We took the discussion outside but it was one sided with him shouting at me the entire time that he didn’t care how i felt or how MILW felt or anything else, HIS name would be on there and ONLY HIS NAME. (…. this is the baby’s name we’re talking about here…). He told me if I didn’t sign it RIGHT NOW, he’d take me to court.

    So he slapped me up with a full on custody case, joint custody with full conservator for him, he gets to say where baby lives, child support, limiting residence (to his families counties so I can’t live anywhere else – prob esp MILW’s family’s county), a social interview, change baby’s name ONLY to bio-dad’s name. etc.

    If you all know, both he and MILW knew from day one, that they were potential fathers. More likely to be MILW, (just due to frequency), but you can never tell. BF never offered any money or anything to help with pregnancy, to support me, to pay for the out-of-pocket home birth, never asked about it again, never asked for a dna test, etc. When *I* did a dna test with MILW, I told BF and then 3 months later he moved back to our *state*. Still no financial help from him at all other than diapers and he filled my gas tank about 10 times I’d say.

    MILW took FULL responsibility for EVERYTHING. Went to all dr’s appts with me, paid for the birth, the supplies, has paid our rent more of the time than not since baby was born, and has paid my half of the bills as well as my car insurance, phone, etc, increasingly since then. Including paying for my continuing education and licensing renewal for my line of work. Despite complaining, he has done EVERYTHING, with NO help from BF. MILW works two jobs. I have had baby full time with no way to afford childcare, but it didn’t matter as I also was/am breastfeeding and baby has not been emotionally ready for separation.

    … Observing, this has all been an ego issue for BF. Lots of power play. MILW has been nothing but helpful, encouraging me to let BF know baby is biologically his, giving him all his rights, letting him come over anytime, trying to do things together (he always avoids), is hospitable, lets him stay weekends at our house – even a week or two at a time, even letting me sleep in the same bed with BF so he could sleep with baby, he even knows we’ve slept together at times when he and I were having issues. ..

    … BF probably is feeling his ego, knowing MILW has provided everything we have all this time, and BF didn’t/couldn’t/whatever.

    Maybe he feels emasculated a little bit. I don’t feel like that’s my fault. Now he takes me to court and slaps on the whole 150% including attorneys fees, joint custody with himself as conservator etc (sounds like HE gets custody to me). (he won’t).. trying to tell the court that my living situation is unstable or that my temporary roommate is verbally abusive, etc. …

    He is letting his ego go crazy.

    My concern is this:
    I want to avoid him feeling further emasculated. This is difficult. Especially in this position where he’s hitting me up so hard in court.

    I intend to go to court and push back even harder. I will ask for sole legal and physical custody, (he intends to interrupt the baby’s breastfeeding for the court to demand overnight visits and summers etc). …

    If he tries to make it sound like my living situation is unstable I will definitely put him on the spot with his potentially abusive behavior (grabbing my wrist in the car and grabbing at me trying to get my phone while I was driving, ending up with me crying out of the uncaringness I felt, threatening to throw the phone out the window- because he *assumed* I was texting).

    he is not behaving in a way that interests me at all.
    However, because he is my child’s biological father, I’d like to maintain the possibility of having a future relationship with him and worry that further emasculating him, or bruising his ego, intentionally or not, will hurt this. … maybe that means he’s just not capable of a relationship. I think he is, and I think it’s important to not further bruise his ego, but… look what he’s doing?…

    Do you think that if I push back that hard in court, that it will make him feel further emasculated? I feel like his ego will be quite bruised if the judge allows baby to keep his current name (+BF’s name) or accepts my third alternative, or if I am granted full custody. — and that he will be angry I even requested it.

    But on the other hand I don’t trust him right now to make fair decisions.



  354.  #354Silver-Tongued Siren on July 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Sirens, I the last several wks since I’ve come back from visiting bio-dad in the town he works in, things have been very up and down for me emotionally. A lot has gone on. I did have a strong interest in being with bio-dad, until he asked me when I was leaving (while I was visiting) and though he could have easily gotten a two bedroom for not much more $ per month, he chose not to. Basically I believe he’s been seeing someone else or just got cold feet.

    Well, after that, we signed an acknowledgement of paternity together, acknowledging him as a biological father. I’ve been 100% willing and participatory in getting all needed paperwork done, yet he tells me the other week when I ask why he hasn’t helped with baby like he said he would, ($$) it was because he was waiting til we had all this paperwork done. Well the biggest one was the birth certificate. He wants his name on it. We started to fill it out once and had to come back for some reason. While there the second time, we had discussed changing baby’s name (*adding* bio-father’s name). He decided we didn’t need to do it today, until he found out the significant difference in cost if we waited. He wanted me to add his name but take AWAY Man-I-Live-With’s name. We took the discussion outside but it was one sided with him shouting at me the entire time that he didn’t care how i felt or how MILW felt or anything else, HIS name would be on there and ONLY HIS NAME. (…. this is the baby’s name we’re talking about here…). He told me if I didn’t sign it RIGHT NOW, he’d take me to court.

    So he slapped me up with a full on custody case, joint custody with full conservator for him, he gets to say where baby lives, child support, limiting residence (to his families counties so I can’t live anywhere else – prob esp MILW’s family’s county), a social interview, change baby’s name ONLY to bio-dad’s name. etc.

    If you all know, both he and MILW knew from day one, that they were potential fathers. More likely to be MILW, (just due to frequency), but you can never tell. BF never offered any money or anything to help with pregnancy, to support me, to pay for the out-of-pocket home birth, never asked about it again, never asked for a dna test, etc. When *I* did a dna test with MILW, I told BF and then 3 months later he moved back to our *state*. Still no financial help from him at all other than diapers and he filled my gas tank about 10 times I’d say.

    MILW took FULL responsibility for EVERYTHING. Went to all dr’s appts with me, paid for the birth, the supplies, has paid our rent more of the time than not since baby was born, and has paid my half of the bills as well as my car insurance, phone, etc, increasingly since then. Including paying for my continuing education and licensing renewal for my line of work. Despite complaining, he has done EVERYTHING, with NO help from BF. MILW works two jobs. I have had baby full time with no way to afford childcare, but it didn’t matter as I also was/am breastfeeding and baby has not been emotionally ready for separation.

    … Observing, this has all been an ego issue for BF. Lots of power play. MILW has been nothing but helpful, encouraging me to let BF know baby is biologically his, giving him all his rights, letting him come over anytime, trying to do things together (he always avoids), is hospitable, lets him stay weekends at our house – even a week or two at a time, even letting me sleep in the same bed with BF so he could sleep with baby, he even knows we’ve slept together at times when he and I were having issues. ..

    … BF probably is feeling his ego, knowing MILW has provided everything we have all this time, and BF didn’t/couldn’t/whatever.

    Maybe he feels emasculated a little bit. I don’t feel like that’s my fault. Now he takes me to court and slaps on the whole 150% including attorneys fees, joint custody with himself as conservator etc (sounds like HE gets custody to me). (he won’t).. trying to tell the court that my living situation is unstable or that my temporary roommate is verbally abusive, etc. …

    He is letting his ego go crazy.

    My concern is this:
    I want to avoid him feeling further emasculated. This is difficult. Especially in this position where he’s hitting me up so hard in court.

    I intend to go to court and push back even harder. I will ask for sole legal and physical custody, (he intends to interrupt the baby’s breastfeeding for the court to demand overnight visits and summers etc). …

    If he tries to make it sound like my living situation is unstable I will definitely put him on the spot with his potentially abusive behavior (grabbing my wrist in the car and grabbing at me trying to get my phone while I was driving, ending up with me crying out of the uncaringness I felt, threatening to throw the phone out the window- because he *assumed* I was texting).

    he is not behaving in a way that interests me at all.
    However, because he is my child’s biological father, I’d like to maintain the possibility of having a future relationship with him and worry that further emasculating him, or bruising his ego, intentionally or not, will hurt this. … maybe that means he’s just not capable of a relationship. I think he is, and I think it’s important to not further bruise his ego, but… look what he’s doing?…

    Do you think that if I push back that hard in court, that it will make him feel further emasculated? I feel like his ego will be quite bruised if the judge allows baby to keep his current name (+BF’s name) or accepts my third alternative, or if I am granted full custody. — and that he will be angry I even requested it.

    But on the other hand I don’t trust him right now to make fair decisions.



  355.  #355bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    daria, you have such a beautiful voice & a totally be-witch-ing face……….. i’d feel so happy & peaceful seeing a video of you : )))

    cd has a video on youtube, just his voice over some images, explaining some buddhist mythology, & i watch it sometimes to feel better : )



  356.  #356ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    daria
    I need to read back a bit more and get into you
    I feel a bit intimidated by you

    i would like to know more

    I am still a baby getting in touch with my stuff



  357.  #357Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Oh and now we have just spoken on the phone.

    And a lot of stuff was said.

    And I did my best to listen, although this time I had quite a lot I wanted to say too,

    And we basically got to talking about what we want, and, I suppose our boundaries.

    He says he wants us… he has already made major changes, and is perfectly fine with never taking any dr8gs again.

    Then we talked about alcohol.

    I said for me, where I am at with it right now I cannot see a way forward for us that doesn’t involve total sobriety, abstinence.

    I said I feel ready for that kind of life, if we decided to go ahead together, and is that what he wants.

    He admited that at the moment he can’t see a life with no alcohol in it ever again.

    He said he can cut right down and even cut it out for long periods of time, however he thinks he will be ok to have a drink every now and again.

    We see it differently, he still sees it as something he can moderate and control, I see it as a slippery slope back into addiction.

    I don’t know for sure yet whether this is a firm boundary for me ie: non negotiable.

    I am experimenting with it to see how it all feels.

    I am not sure if I am ok with alcohol being a part of our lives now.

    If I believed that it could just be a now and again thing, I would likely be ok with it.

    And I don’t believe this.

    Does this mean trusting my boundary would like look ‘No, I need it to be no alcohol??’

    He says he thinks occasionally will work, and he is the one who has been an addict in the past and he knows himself, but, he says if it doesn’t work well then he would have to give it up altogether.

    This is his process.

    I do love this man and I just need to work out what I am ok to tolerate and what is a no no to me.



  358.  #358ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    STS
    wow

    so much to dealwith
    and you are so sane



  359.  #359ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Dancing siren
    does alcohol make him sucseptible to Dr*gs



  360.  #360Silver-Tongued Siren on July 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    It’s been a real ride – they served me court papers 2 DAYSSSS before the court date. I requested continuance, they gave me three weeks (and if I don’t have an attorney I have to act on my own. I HAVE to have an attorney. I met his attorney and she is unprofessional and nasty, and not even interested in the child’s best interests- only in making her money. She doesn’t have children herself, either.

    I still haven’t found an attorney, since I have been at home taking care of a baby FULL TIME without any help from Bio-Father, therefore I have no money, can barely manage to pay my car payment, while HE has had a $4500 a month job for the last 8-9 months (and quit/got fired a few wks ago) and has saved plenty of it- enough to hire an attorney and have this filed in DISTRICT court, (not civil court). There are plenty of attorneys willing to work free or reduced for fathers, immigration, domestic abuse family law situations, but not this family law case, since there was not any (physical) abuse happening. And since there are other adults in my house, when I go to the LegalAid place, they don’t accept me due to the OTHER roommates incomes! … Even though that’s not my income. So, have been very busy attempting to find an attorney.. who doesn’t require money upfront. .. hope to be able to catch up with all you sirens again soon on a more regular basis when life is less weird.. lol..



  361.  #361bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    (((((((((((((((((ruth)))))))))))))))))) i feel really warmed reading your comments… thank you : )



  362.  #362ruth on July 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    STS

    Nightmare

    Hope you sort it



  363.  #363Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    It feels like we are negotiating, but it also feels like open communication, which actually feels good, like being on the same team.

    Hmmm, I wonder how exclusivity fits into all of this.

    See I would be quite happy with him trying and testing his theory about alcohol, and going through his process, if we were not exclusive. So I can CD.

    To keep me sane.

    So I wonder if there is something I can communicate here?

    Like, ok, I hear you, and while you are experimenting with this I will date you but continue to date other men.

    I can explain that it helps me feel safe and keeps the pressure off the relationship.

    But that if he inists on exclusivity I will insist on total sobriety.

    Does that feel too much like bargaining?

    See what I am starting to see, for me, is that sobriety is a mindset, its a way of life, not just controlling your drinking.

    But he is not there with that as yet – maybe he never will be. I didn’t even think I would ever be! It was only last year that I was struggling with my own alcohol problems, be it as it was that they were perhaps less severe than his were.

    And, I still couldn’t say I am totally over alcohol… I mean I had some wine last weekend (although not much at all).

    And I think this is part of what he is saying… is that he can’t promise me he will never, never drink again.

    And he asked me if I would acknowledge the good changes he has made.

    And I said yes and expressed appreciation of those.



  364.  #364Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    Thanks Ruth and Jasmine.

    Yes I think that is what he is offering me too.

    But I think he might also be considering giving it up… I think he is on the contemplating part of the cycle of change.

    I doubt if I could handle his alcohol problem.

    I mean I could if it really was jus the odd drink, but my understanding of addiction is it usually gets worse.

    Ok maybe not in every case, and sometimes people do manage to control things.

    But this is something he has not accepted yet.

    And my understanding is recovery usually takes place when the person surrenders to this… that they have no control over it.



  365.  #365Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Can I accept the person but not the behaviour?

    How might this work?



  366.  #366bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    the thing that kind of boggles my mind….. my logic….. i’m like RED ALERT – BAD MATH … lol…. is that…. these girls…….. just…………

    a) made stuff up out of nowhere.
    b) started out my best friends.
    c) have a bunch of other girl friends (?) this is mystifying to me…… like….. i don’t get it. am i not a good girl ???? or…… like… is that Normal ?? ? ? ??
    d) had nothing to gain……..

    1 girl told 1 school i had an eating disorder & then called my house & said i was a slxt who would “give in” to drinking alcohol before legally of-age…. & then her brother harrassed me at school & called my house with dxath threats. SERIOUSLY she had been my very best friend for three years before that. I DON’T GET IT SOMEONE PLEASE SOLVE THIS PUZZLE

    then my first friend in high school was all nice until we were sitting with the popular girls & her ex boyfriend started trying to get me to go out with him…… i get that one. not nice or mature or anything, but i get it (EXCEPT lol, that girl turned out to be a lesbian! so… it couldn’t have been “about” the guy, right? but i guess you can probably have emotional crushes even if you are majority-spectrum-wise mostly “gay”)… ok ok i get that though. the mean-ness ? unnecessary, but assumedly the only recourse for a jilted 14-year-old.

    then the last one hurt so much. the girl who befriended me after all that. & she was so cool & she was a writer & we got along so well & would stay up all night & sneak out to buy ice cream at the drug store down the street & watch tv & journal & listen to music…. & then everything just crashed down. she developed an eating disorder & accused me (I DON’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER JEEEEZ I”M JUST A HUMAN) of having one even though she was the one who was like…. throwing away her food… & like peddling all afternoon on her mom’s really hard spinning bike…….. &… she was tall & beautiful …. she shouldn’t have done that or felt like that…. now i see her pictures & she looks so beautiful & healthy…. & round : ) she has a cute round face & cute beautiful smooth ivory arms & smooth knees & such pretty hair & i love her ! & she ditched me 2 times. once when i got a “boyfriend” who was our fantasy art class crush. that sucked legitimately because he asked us out together to be less awkward the first time we hung out, but then on the “date” it was obvious who he was “pursuing” so that totally sucked. then for some reason she ditched me again when we broke up 3 years later. idk why. so after she ditched me, her brother asked me out after years & years of flirting & i went on a single prude afternoon date & then said no thankyou to everything else & that was somehow the final straw & she hates me now. she puts on her “polite” mean-girl voice to talk to me.

    somehow i’m knowing that i “did wrong” about the last one, but i dont’ get it. oh & she was awful to my Actual best friend

    i have a friend that i made after that who was younger & she’s a really good friend & she taught me that sometimes you have to seek your own friends – not just let the strong girls pick you up & then drop you when they’re tired of you. idk if that’s a real “lesson” but it’s like a “bandage” fix that was working for a while until now when i just feel sad & angry…………. good girl i do feel better & better

    sorry for dating your brother.
    sorry for obviously not telling you how amazingly incredibly beautiful you are…
    humbug oh & i won the writing award & between us she was “the writer” i was “the mathematician” & she just turned to me when it was announced & said, “did you know you were getting that?” in the meanest voice. no i didn’t. otherwise i probably wouldn’t have been whisper-giggling the entire time he was delivering “my” speech. ((hugs)) sorry about all of it & glad your life is cool & hope i didn’t fxck you up because i feel fxcked up when i think about you.

    jeeeeeez burning hot. getting it out though. feels really dark & mean & shameful…… confusing too – it’s no one’s “fault” i see…… but i still don’t know what to do when i see a Bully now……….

    & i notice that i see certain “types” of girls & i assume that they are bullies & that’s not right ((((((sorry girls))))))) & i forgive my defensiveness & my fear



  367.  #367Silver-Tongued Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Ruth, thank you so much for your affirmation… It’s felt like a lot to deal with. Anxious stomach for weeks, much better lately.



  368.  #368Silver-Tongued Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Ruth, thank you so much for your affirmation… It’s felt like a lot to deal with. Anxious stomach for weeks, much better lately.



  369.  #369Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I mean he says it is not an issue, and yet, as soon as there was stress, where was he… in the pub!

    I can’t see how this would ever change unless he comes to a place of wanting to be totally sober on his own.

    Can I accept this?

    Maybe…

    Do I want to???

    Proabably not.

    What is so bad about it? I mean he is never mean and he doesn’t drink around me…

    Yes but for me its too triggering in terms of health. I had to watch my stepdad die or a terminal illness over which we had no control.

    This stuff feels too scary to me. That is why I find it so hard.

    Can I accept this?

    I don’t know.



  370.  #370bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    omg the girl in the bathroom in 8th grade saying ” i don’t know why no one thinks you’re pretty” i want to smack you in the face, girl ! lol why would you say that to another human? ?? awww listen baby she was just a tiny human – how sweet right ? & she probably thought she was giving you a compliment ((((girl)))) that’s true….. though she made fun of me a lot….. girls make a point of mocking girls in front of other men. very naughty – shame shame ! love you girls anywayz. i’m determined to do it. i intend it, i allow it, i invite it : ) thank you



  371.  #371bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    & what happens when i think i see a bully ?

    i shut down. i feel weak, ugly, socially-stxpid, depressed, fat, scarred, terrified like running away, angry like knocking over a book shelf

    that’s not nice or pleasant for anyone! you see that ? you get that ? you know & understand that?

    i “believe” in a twisted way that those who made others suffer should be made to suffer. i don’t believe in retributive justice – thank you



  372.  #372Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Hi STS,

    Wow Hugs.

    If it was me I don’t think I would feel open to the possibility of having a relationship with him beyong civil for the sake of the child.

    For me I feel safer when a man can step up and be a man, despite his bruised ego.

    That is when you know you are dealing with a real man as opposed to a manchild.

    Having said that it feels admiral that you are taking care to treat him fairly and not antagonise him further.



  373.  #373bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    so what i do is i just smile like a baby & shut up & say the safest things i can think of which are usually really stxpid rambling stories about technology or politics because i default into nerd-zone (((girl))) it’s ok i seriously don’t mind if everyone in the world thinks you’re a loser.

    but i DO mind if you walk around feeling “sorry for yourself” because that’s blue & boring : ) i want to be rainbow colored dancing on the roof in clouds of glitter ! yes i do ! i want that ! yayyyy



  374.  #374bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    i choose to believe that no one has ever intentionally “hurt” me because no one else is me, so how could they anticipate where my tender spots are ?

    it’s my responsibility to share my feelings & my experience with others.

    my mama says you train people how to treat you. sad face….. i train people to bully me ? yeah, silly girl, if you walk around acting like a weird-o… sorry sorry sorry baby. i’m not judging you. but very few people want to jump around like that in conversation. & very few people are interested in the technical details of your industry (i know, i know… you find it fascinating… that’s sweet & good & you’re luck that you do ! but it’s no one else’s bizziness)…. (((((((((hugs)))))))))) go be gentle & receive love ok ?



  375.  #375bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    still loads of anger in my heart….. & i feel excited when i learn how to “set down” the burden……. yum good girl



  376.  #376bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    i wonder what would have happened if the first time someone said something mean to me, i’d just turned a soft face to them & said, “aww…. i feel a little bad hearing that…. i don’t want to feel that way…. what do you think?”

    lol i’m picturing a 3rd grader retorting, ” I think you’re a dxrk !” & then me being my normal annoying self & saying, “that’s not an insult. that’s part of a whale’s anatomy.” ha ! you got them ! who’s a “dork” now ?? lol ….. eye for an eye leaves both blind. (&btw that thing about whales is totally not true – i just snopes it. so eat that, baby self ! lol go home)



  377.  #377Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Um, so maybe I am seeing possibilities here.

    Like us talking some more and me saying to him

    ‘Ok, I accept you, just as you are, drinking issues and all, and I am reserving my right to not be exclusive until I feel 100% safe with a man, so I accept everything you are, and feel happy to continue seeing each other, while this pans out, just not on an exclusive basis’

    Sirens??



  378.  #378bloom-ing on July 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    i intend to take ownership of this “victim” story & develop a new story that makes me feel wonderful & full of love & ready to get bullied without it hurting me & without “donning armor” : ) go ! you can do that ! i love you – i love me : )



  379.  #379Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    I don’t know if my boundary is even around drinking actually…

    Its around behaviour.

    I don’t feel safe or comfortable around addictive, addiction style and/or out of control behaviour.

    Owww, that feels a lot better!

    Ow, could this be an AHA moment for me??



  380.  #380FlowerChild77 on July 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    (((((DancingSiren))))) I know this is really hard for you. CDing to keep yourself grounded is a great idea. Rori says we should CD until one of the men offers us our “happily ever after” (whatever that might be for us.)

    This man is not offering you YOUR happily ever after, yet. Perhaps you could be sexually exclusive with him only and still date other men?

    I really admire you and how you’re identifying what you want and need and setting boundaries that reflect what’s good for you.



  381.  #381Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Until I feel 100% comfortable and safe I don’t want to agree to be exclusive with a man.

    And I don’t feel comfortable around addictive behaviour.

    This includes compulsive drinking and drug taking, lying and misleading, disappearing and being generally shady or out of control.

    Oh and being out of it.

    I don’t feel comfortable around people who are out of it.

    And it also includes drinking to excess that can adversly affect health.

    Yes, this feels better.

    Indicators to me that this behaviour could be happening are:

    Feeling confused, uneasy, unhappy, anxious.

    AND, maybe I just feel like that sometimes and the behaviours aren’t even happening.

    But, until I DON’T feel like that MOST of the time (ie: I feel safe and secure) then I don’t want to commit myself exclusively to a man.

    Ow, this feels almost ready for sharing.

    Now I just have to remember it until we next talk!!



  382.  #382Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Yes 379 and 381 feel good to me.

    I am going to share them with him at some point.

    This feels good.

    Now, about me.

    Right I am feeling a lot better.

    And I have eaten, and am feeling tired.

    And so am going to snuggle down into my bed and have a read and then a snooze.

    zzzzz



  383.  #383Dancing Siren on July 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    How I can stay sane, in what feels like a scary siuation to me is to say no to exclusivity as a way to keep me safe, until I feel 100% sure.

    YES!

    Night Sirens!

    xoxox



  384.  #384Starbright on July 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Why is no contact so hard? I so want to call him. But, he is not giving me what I want and I need to lean back. I don’t think he can ever give me what I want and need. He is completely unavailable. It feels like an addiction. I have been showing such great control with my eating and doing well with my exercise. This feels much harder. I will be going to a class at the gym in an hour but I need to get some work done. How do I stay away from the phone? It would not make me feel better at this point…It would make me feel worse.

    If he truly wants me, he will come. I don’t think he will. And, I will be okay. It’s amazing how painful it can be. It ebbs and flows. Exercise feels the best, but I have so much work to do I can’t devote as much time to that as I’d like. It is difficult for me to concentrate! I will breathe through it – through the pain, through the numbness too. Breathe – slowly breathe.



  385.  #385Starbright on July 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    The call of the oxytocin is so strong. I need to break my addiction to him so I can have complete clarity. I need to fill my life with other healthy and fun things. That’s harder to do when I’m supposed to be working. If I could just escape I think it would be a bit easier. I feel so drawn to contact him. But, I think it would be harmful. He would think less of me. I need to stay away to reach that place of peace and clarity and chasing after him would not look attractive and would only tie me to him once more. I need to break free.

    Better men are coming into my life. I can release this one who does not truly want me. I can release him and choose better. I can be strong and open at the same time.

    In the past I have shut down and not let men in. And, this pain is one of the reasons that I did that. I did not want to feel this broken hearted pain. But, I must move through it. I can’t stuff it, pack it in my body and numb it. I am not over eating so that is not a buffer. I am eating minimally and healthy foods. In the past I longed for foods and they were my lover.

    I can release this man who doesn’t fully want me and I can magnetize an amazing man for me who really gets me, adores me, cherishes me, is kind, generous, attractive and fun and easy to be with.

    And, I feel all easy breezy in my own skin. Open and strong and vulnerable and confident and super magnetic to quality men and great friendships. My life is getting better and better.

    I feel some pain and some easy breezy and confident that life will improve quickly. And, at some point I will say Unavail who??? Oh, right. Since men easily fall for me who I find attractive I kind of forgot how I was hurting right after breaking things off. I am treated so well and feel so amazing a whole different way of being with men who treat me so well I kind of forgot!

    🙂



  386.  #386Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    bloom-ing,

    When I look back on the kids at school who tormented me, I consider the source. They were struggling to find their own identities, and they were not trained to be kind and loving. “Troublesome people are people in trouble” is what my Mom always told me.

    So their judgments of me and words to me are immaterial!

    Don’t let the bullies of the world define who you are. You are who you say you are, and who God says you are.

    You are super!



  387.  #387Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Well-my polyamorous photographer friend showed me a lot about the camera. + I told him what life has been like for me here.
    If I want a no strings attached lover and pal I’ve got one.
    He and his S.O. both live in a nearby large metropolitan area that is on my short list of places to move. About 50 miles away from here.
    I told him it was like my life had been thrown up in the air, and there is no telling what it will look like when they all come down.
    They could even land just as they were but that is an extremely unlikely outcome…

    I told him I would think about the lovers thing. I have been neglected for a lonnngg time.



  388.  #388Starbright on July 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Right now, spamming the blog feels way better than contacting Mr. Unavailable. My self-talk is making me feel much, much better! I can take myself out of my sadness and super focus on him. I am making amazing changes in my life from immediate career, to a few years down the road in my career, to more abundance in income, more fun and love and a decision to attract good feeling love into my life. I no longer choose Mr. Unavail. and the pain that comes with it. Pain is not love. Love is comfort and companionship and romance and taking care of each other and being there and amazing physical touch and oh so many really good feeling things. Yes, that’s the love I want.

    And, it is just around the corner. If I can stay strong and open and feeling my good feelings it will be here faster than I can believe. I am love. Love is me. My life is getting better and better. The amazing opportunities are endless. I am so very happy and content living my very best life. In love. And, it is all so good that going through a breakup now seems so very worth it. I am worth it!



  389.  #389Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Bloom-ing,

    In my 20s and 30s, I worked with kids at a rehab who were labeled emotionally disturbed and conduct disorder. I was routinely called B1t(ch, a$$hole, etc.

    I felt thoroughly triggered, and I allowed it to be a catalyst for my complete healing from the school bullies. I got to a point where I could instantly smile at them and say, “Wow, sounds like someone really hurt you in your past, huh?”

    The reactions I got were often different. But for the most part, the kids softened, and over time, they let me in.

    I would use the nasty names to get into a conversation with them. “Would you feel good if I called you that? What’s going on?”

    Other times I would hear, “What are you looking at??”

    I’d smile and say gently, “I’m looking at a precious little lady who needs lots of love!”

    Sooner or later, I usually got a smile. What I have concluded is that abusers are abused. They need healing and love…just like we do.



  390.  #390Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    bloom-ing,

    I also meant to say my second favorite movie is, “Never Been Kissed.” It was totally therapeutic for me to heal from high school bullies.



  391.  #391Dominique on July 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Radlove – #389 – Triple LIKE.

    xxoo



  392.  #392Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    Dominique,

    Thank you so much!



  393.  #393Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    388 @Starbright–It doesn’t feel like spamming to me.
    The tools Rori gives us (that are the subject of this blog) happen to deal with the heart of are lives–our relationships.
    This also happens to be where the greatest pain in our lives occurs. So–to me this blog IS one of the tools, and a support system.



  394.  #394Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    R is texting me right now. Finally! 🙂 And there may have been a valid reason I didn’t hear from him…he has been sick with a cold.

    Once again, I see how my emotions carry me away from reality at times. I see how many times in 2009 I got angry and nasty with R simply for not contacting me. Really toxic behavior, and now it is well on its way toward healing!



  395.  #395Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Addiction: I’ll die if I don’t!

    Loving self: You’ll die of you don’t STOP!



  396.  #396Francesca on July 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Rebecca,

    I was just trying to help you since you asked “how can I change?”

    Everybody can change if they really put their mind to it, it just takes a little willpower.



  397.  #397Francesca on July 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    FW @ 236

    “Francesca this is great practice in “agreeing to disagree”. To notice how you fight. Your body’s responses to “authority” telling you what to do.”

    Not sure what you are referring to here, FW???



  398.  #398Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Addiction: You’re going to die!!

    Loving Self: You’re going to live!!



  399.  #399Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    Sorry Francesca. I had a senior moment there. It was meant for Emoticon.



  400.  #400Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    I don’t know Dancing Siren. If you accept someone exactly as they are it seems to me focussing on the person’s behavior is contradictory. Dominique has a very thought provoking article about Lessons from a High End Call Girl. It was a very good read and I encourage everyone to read it.



  401.  #401Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    A rock star might just take a lover in a situation like the one I am in.

    He already has a primary relationship. It would just enhance my life possibly.

    The folks that do polyamory successively tend to do relationships well. and with sophistication.



  402.  #402Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    I meant successfully.



  403.  #403Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Dancing Siren I wonder how this fits in with Rori’s 7 Steps to Commitment. I am not sure I would feel comfortable negotiating without the healing mainly because this seems to be a recurring loop in this relationship. I am truly wondering if this relationship needs to die to give birth to the one you really want.



  404.  #404Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Miss Bells my opinion is you would only be doing it to get a reaction from him. If you are comfortable with polyamory why not do it with the man you already know and are with? If you are already uncomfortable with your current situation that includes a second woman what makes you believe you would be comfortable with it with a different man?



  405.  #405Femininewoman on July 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Dancing Siren I just remember I was watching a program on TV some time ago. It is called Know the Cause where they talk about the fungus link to disease. They say that alcohol is one of the main sources that plant fungus in the human body. I think it has to do with yeast and sugar (can remember fully right now). However you can google it and find the info. They say fungus crave certain things which includes the thing that people are allergic to. I am just thinking that if what they say is true and there is any link here, maybe S actually cannot help himself sometimes. I don’t know much about alcohol nor am I saying to reconsider your position just that something else might be going on in his body that is bigger than him.



  406.  #406Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    404: HS is completed unsuited to polyamory and would never do it.
    I am not interested in it as a lifestyle, but I totally accept those who do.
    I have not slept with HS in months and he doesn’t get the memo of what I do or don’t do, as curious as he may be.
    When I rode the bike down to the river-fest and came back in the wee hours, HS sat up till midnight. In the morning he stuck his head in my room to check to see if I was home. Then he said, when I got up for coffee–oh. I thought you were doing the horizontal mombo with Big Bob. He was LAUGHING about this.
    I was floored it was so nasty. I was actually at the movies and then a pub crawl. Bob doesn’t drink so he is the perfect ride.
    HS has been very cruel and I don’t trust him anymore.
    I was completely ready to make a commitment, and he wasn’t. That means–no women for him but I can CD.
    He broke that so I am busting him down in rank in my life.
    I could really use a lover. It doesn’t have to be mr. polyamory, but I like him a lot and he is safe.



  407.  #407Starbright on July 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    393: Miss Bells

    It feels good to be seen! Thank-you!

    The polyamory situation sounds somewhat tempting. It could feel empty or it could feel refreshing if you are really able to rock star the situation.

    My heart goes right along with my body, so it would be a difficult situation for me!



  408.  #408Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    He left me–now it is time for me to leave him.
    I need some grown up company…



  409.  #409Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Miss Bells,

    401 – Seriously, I think if you started to wildly CD, like a man a day type of stuff, right under his nose, inside the house, it would have the same effect as moving out…without moving out! Go for it, Miss Rockstar!



  410.  #410Miss Bells on July 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    404, 407
    I had some scars from an adolescence spent on the streets without a protector.
    Enjoying s*x came late to me. Having it came early.
    Then–I have been married to men I wasn’t in love with most of my adult life-3 of them. Very little s*x.
    When I got together with HS we were really hot. It was the first time I really felt good sexually with man over time.
    This break REALLY hurts, especially how he is playing it. The betrayal.
    But–at 56 I want to ENJOY this part of my life while I can.
    I want the heart and body to be in the same place with the ONE.
    BUT-in the meantime I NEED a jumpstart.
    HS has wounded me in my feminine core. Here is a man who may help me heal.



  411.  #411Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Miss Bells,

    If you go on craigslist and post a nice ad with a few photos, you might be amazed at how much response you would get! I posted a pretty normal ad yesterday and got about 100 responses!



  412.  #412LiliBee on July 24, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    I love to shake myself up!

    I went to the waterpark on Sunday and had a blast! 😀

    FUN FUN FUN, nothin’ but FUN FUN FUN 😀

    D didn’t want to come, and I still went without him!
    Taking care of me, focusing on me 🙂

    My friend and I split the gas and the parking. We met other people there.
    Spent the day in the lazy river and in the giant wave pool. Awesome!

    I felt all jerked around in the wave pool like I was a piece of clothes in the washer!
    I felt so…I can I say?…Like the cobwebs were shaken off of me! I felt so ALIVE jumping and yelling and smiling and laughing as the water crashed on me and over my head. WOOHOOOO!!!!

    …and I got the hot looks from a couple of hot guys 😉

    When I got back, I met up with D and told him about it with smiling energy. I felt so happy! 🙂
    I told him how good it felt to be doing something different and shaking up my bod!
    He asked me if I got ‘hit’ on by guys.
    I said I got a couple of intense looks and I felt flattered.
    He asked who was there. He said he wished he would have gone, he missed out on alot of fun.

    He had decided to work overtime and then stay around in case his son wanted to come by.
    His son only came by for an hour.
    D felt disappointed his son and I were both out having fun while he spent the whole day working.
    I felt triggered coz he overspends on material things that his son and I can’t enjoy with him…he has these great things to get admiration from strangers but ends up alone with those things while the people he should be spending quality time with are out having fun without him.

    I don’t feel like complaining about coming in last anymore. I’m all about taking care of me and showing myself a good time.
    I feel so light and smiley since I’ve been doing that!
    I learned I can make myself happy 🙂
    It’s up to him to shift his financial priorities and join in the fun, or else life goes on without him.



  413.  #413Vi on July 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    oh Radlove I loved your “moving out…without moving out! ” It feels so .. moving : ))) and peaceful and inspiring!



  414.  #414Vi on July 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    move move move… mmm sound of waves .. i associate it with water and deep blue color … i feel melting .. melting IS a move .. melting is a way to feel unstuck .. and un-numb .. wow



  415.  #415Starla on July 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I noticed myself “not being myself” with some of these men on POF. So I knocked it off. Even if it means writing reaaaaally long responses to them.

    I worry that I am going to come off too innocent or positive. I have had this worry before, but it proved itself nonsense. I actually worried that I rubbed my neighbor the wrong way with all my happiness and positivity and bubbliness, but then he actually posted an ad for me in the “missed connections” section of craigslist saying he’d never met a woman like me before and was just smitten by me.

    So, not to worry. I shall be myself! And anyway, *I* know there is plenty of realistic cynicism in me to go around. I don’t need to prove that to anyone. And why would I want to prove that? I’m a healthy, happy person, first.



  416.  #416Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Lilibee,

    412 – That sounds wonderful!!! I love water parks!



  417.  #417Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Vi,

    413 – LOL on “moving”…thanks!



  418.  #418Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    My girls will be off at camp next week and I’m having a girls night Wed. night with a tarot card reader coming! So excited! She read my cards back in May and said soooo many things that were right on. INCLUDING picking up that I would not find wholeness in my relationship with C if we didn’t deal with the anger. She said it would just continue on. Shortly after that we got into a screaming match, triggered by old thoughts and feelings, and that is when I really knew… that while we have changed and grown, a lot of those old triggers are still there and we can bring out the worst in each other. So, just having her come for fun, for something new… and so excited to have my friends over! Some haven’t even seen my house yet, and I’ve been here almost a year already! I can’t believe it!

    Tomorrow I get my driveway paved. C emailed me this morning about it, and then texted to confirm that they will be here tomorrow. I’m THRILLED. It will really enhance the home, improve my curb appeal, and make the house look so much more complete. 🙂

    I’m all amped up on endorphins, went for my walk again tonight, even though I didn’t feel like it. I’m making myself do it every day for 30 days, so it will become a habit.

    I have a movie date next Tuesday with chemist. Remember him? Was a dull first date, and he was late… we just met for breakfast. Then he texted to apologize if I was disappointed, which was kind of a turnoff… but he wrote to me again on POF, willing to give it a shot and be open. He’s interesting and maybe will surprise me and lighten up a bit. He works all the time. But anyways, main reason, I’m going to CD as much as possible. Keep my focus on me, not on Mr. Conversation, and resist my urgency to end things and have closure because it’s a complicated relationship and I don’t see him as much as I did. I’m so excited about my realization that I don’t have to do those same automatic responses everytime. I really do like him, even if we end up just friends or friendly… I’m going to run into him A LOT the next few months. I have no idea if it will have a different result or how things will end up…. but I’ve put so much pressure on myself in the past that I have to know where something is going, I lean way forward when they go in their man caves, and then I ruin it by getting so caught up, telling myself they just don’t like me enough, blah blah blah… and THEN, I usually end up telling them how much they hurt my feelings for poofing and burning bridges. I’m still hearing from Mr. Conversation every day, but most of it is just friendly conversation, not serious or intense. I don’t know that we need to talk everyday… but just going with it now. I like hearing from him, don’t get me wrong. Just am very aware that I want a serious relationship in my future, and he may not be able to do that, or want that for a long time, if even with me at all.
    SO, Circular dating will keep me focused on myself more than any one guy. It will allow me to meet new people, try new things and treat life as a bit of an adventure. 🙂

    Last night on my walk there were three little boys, probably about 5 or 6 years old, riding down the hill on what is probably the modern day equivalent of a big wheels. (3 wheeler, low to the ground). They were laughing and squealing and shouting with excitement. Then one little boy yelled out, “I FEEL SO ALIVE!!!!!!” amid laughter. I couldn’t help but GRIN. And then think to myself, yes… life is an adventure and I want to feel ALIVE. I want to be focused on the present. I want to love big, dream big, and LIVE big. I’m going to try new things, eat new foods, meet new people, go new places…. I’m going to LIVE my life. Not endure one day to the next. I love me! (and my endorphins because I feel quite hopped up at the moment, which is why the long posts! 🙂



  419.  #419Vi on July 24, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Radlove 🙂



  420.  #420Starla on July 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    YES YES AND YES I LOVE THE WATER PARK!
    I wish i could have been there with you!!



  421.  #421Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Lillibee, I want to go to the waterpark! We have one here, that I’ve never been to. Maybe I’ll take the girls there on Saturday! I just got a new bathing suit that I really love to! 🙂 Yeah, sounds like a fun plan, and I”m going to surprise them with it!

    Starla, I worry about that sometimes too. That I don’t always show my full self. But rather the really nice and helpful me, which is only part of me. There is so much more.

    I feel like embracing my wildness. Because that is a fun side of me that rarely makes an appearance. And I’m not talking anything crazy… but my wild curly hair (not straightened but scrunched and encouraged!) , more fun clothing, high heels, big laughter, big earrings, lots of bracelets, not caring so much what other people think, seeing different friends and going new places… oh so many fun things to do when I’m not so busy holding myself in, presenting this calm, kind helpful mom, friend and family member to the world. 🙂

    Time for some big fun. I really can’t wait! 🙂



  422.  #422Starla on July 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    hooray, turquoise!



  423.  #423Starla on July 24, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    i am different and unique and it’s really really beautiful.

    and i have a great butt.



  424.  #424Starla on July 24, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    my NVs do worry that this guy is NOT gonna write me back. He is going to think “this girl is f*cking nuts”
    well, i am. i’m excited about being happy. i’m excited about life. i’m excited about being me and seeing things differently. i’m excited that when you ask me something like “what do you do for fun?: it does not compute, because EVERYTHING feels fun for me.

    he’s the weirdo, not me:P



  425.  #425Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    🙂 ((((STARLA)))) I used to have a great butt… but with all this walking and hills I’m doing, it WILL be back! I have awesome eyes, hair and nails. And wonderful curves! 🙂

    Mr. Conversation actually asked me 3 times if I had implants. Um nooo… if I had implants they’d be about two inches higher, symmetrical (one is bigger than the other,lol) and I wouldn’t need a bra! He kept repeating how amazing and firm they felt, and that he’d never touched such big ones in real life…(as opposed to in his dreams? lol) So, while it was kinda funny…. it was also sexy and sweet. He really didn’t believe me that my breasts are natural.



  426.  #426Starla on July 24, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    LOL “in real life”
    lol
    i can’t stop chuckling



  427.  #427Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    I know Starla… lol, it was so hard not to literally laugh out loud. I think I did chuckle a little bit. 🙂 Like I said, he LOVES to talk…. all the time! We are an excellent match in that department.

    With all my happy and excited feelings, I do miss not seeing him as much right now. I just know there are phases in relationships, and that men pretty much all take space and distance, so it’s a good time to focus on me, and not tell myself negative stories. The best part is that I really do FEEL different. I don’t feel nervous or panicked. I think it’s Christian Carter, but one of the coaches says to expect the distance after intimacy, and just know they are thinking about how to fit you into their lives, and need to get back to all the things they put off to see you and talk to you so much. I feel different. I’m learning from all these experiences, and I FEEL different. I feel calm. I feel like I am the yummy pie. I FEEL GOOD!



  428.  #428Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    It must be all the endorphins from exercising. I feel high, and I’ve never done drugs, ever in my life. Or am I just having AHA moments and feeling exhilarated from that? Anyone have any ideas?



  429.  #429Starla on July 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    i don’t usually get endorphins from walking but I walk everywhere ever so I must have a tolerance.

    On the other hand, when I run… whew I catch a buzz. So yeah, you could totally be stoned off of running right now:P:P



  430.  #430Radlove on July 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    Turquoise,

    LOL! You go, girl!



  431.  #431Turquoise on July 24, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    🙂 I walk pretty fast, but it’s so hilly, I can feel it in my abs, my butt, all over my legs…. maybe since I’m new to exercise, it’s working extra for me. 🙂 Thank you to my body for rewarding me with feeling awesome after exercising so I’ll want to do it again. 🙂

    Thanks Radlove! 🙂



  432.  #432Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Turquoise,

    You are a lucky girl;) I once was called a mutant for the same reason, in a friendly way though



  433.  #433Memulo on July 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    He texted me today and he doesn’t sound good. I don’t know what to do. Then he called and didn’t leave a message. I may call him tomorrow. I didn’t want to offer to go over there again and spend some time with him, but perhaps this is what I should do. It’s like he is not well ;(



  434.  #434Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Aw, he wrote back right away, and attempted to match my style a bit. and asked me out for lunch. 🙂



  435.  #435Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    he was an MMA fighter for 6 years. yummy

    the universe keeps sending me men i can practice my MMA on, haha awesome. thank you, universe.



  436.  #436Starla on July 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    i am the yummy pie
    i am the air he needs to breathe
    even if it’s e-air
    hehe



  437.  #437Jilly on July 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Ruth…your pictures are beautiful! and WOW…50 marathons!! That feels amazing to read 🙂 Thank you for sharing 🙂



  438.  #438ruth on July 24, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Morning sirens

    its been fun reading back
    🙂

    Radlove “389
    Oh yes indeed
    🙂

    Turquoise-exercise is awesome.Dont know what i would do without it



  439.  #439ruth on July 24, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    thank you Jilly
    🙂



  440.  #440Dancing Siren on July 25, 2012 at 12:26 am

    Morning Sirens,

    I am feeling much better today.

    Stronger in myself.

    I am goiung to eat some fruit as I feel lacking in vitamins and minerals.



  441.  #441Dancing Siren on July 25, 2012 at 12:45 am

    Sorting myself out for the day ahead.

    A pot of real coffee, natural yoghurt and fruit.

    Make sure I have dealt with all client enquiries.

    Have a shower then off to see my first client.



  442.  #442Dancing Siren on July 25, 2012 at 12:56 am

    FW,

    Regarding the posts you have typed for me – Hmmm, I don’t know.

    Anything is possible.

    I feel totally ok accepting him completely but not as my man who I am exclusive with at this moment in time.

    I don’t want any addictive style behavioiur in my life.

    What do you think?



  443.  #443Tam on July 25, 2012 at 1:21 am

    Hehe, after I changed my profile pic on POF, I noticed MrU changed his too…it was the same for aaaaages….all those coincidences….funny!! 😉



  444.  #444Tam on July 25, 2012 at 1:21 am

    Hehe, after I changed my profile pic on POF, I noticed MrU changed his too…it was the same for aaaaages….all those coincidences….funny!! 😉



  445.  #445Rebecca on July 25, 2012 at 1:53 am

    Francesca

    ‘Everybody can change if they really put their mind to it, it just takes a little willpower.’

    Hmmm… I think the problem is is that I have never been able to change so far and I have tried so hard. I have used all my ‘willpower’ and I have really ‘put my mind to it’ but I still haven’t changed. Believe me I have tried.



  446.  #446Tam on July 25, 2012 at 2:33 am

    (((Rebecca))) never give up trying..



  447.  #447Francesca on July 25, 2012 at 2:39 am

    Rebecca,

    I can only repeat what Tam said and this is going to be my last comment about this “issue” to you.

    Good luck! 🙂



  448.  #448Francesca on July 25, 2012 at 2:43 am

    No problem, FW, we all have those! 😉



  449.  #449Tam on July 25, 2012 at 3:07 am

    Rebecca, I believe the ‘trying to’ is already the change. I keep taking backwards steps but it takes me less te to snap out of my usual bad patterns than it used to. Anything is progress, even just awareness…what do you think?



  450.  #450Tam on July 25, 2012 at 3:08 am

    Less time



  451.  #451Goldenflower on July 25, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Morning Sirens,
    Phew so much has been posted since i logged off last night. It is actually sunny here in Scotland, we’v had the wettest summer for years until now.
    So hey, I am the yummy pie.
    I’m preparing my outfit and planning for my night out tmrw eve. This is the night I will see BM again after first meeting a month ago. I need help on how to attract him without chasing him. The eye contact for 5 seconds right. I expect he will come over to chat as he knows the friend i will be with. But it’s gonna be a busy gig environment so i might not have long with him. I am wondering how obvious should I make it that I would like to spend more time with him.

    I would like to actually say: it would be lovely to spend some more time with you,

    but is this leaning forward and leading him to ask for a date? It’s because I know he is one of these shy nerdy types that I want to make it as clear as possible that I am available. He may even think I’m out of his league. But obv I dont want to be masculine and chase him and push him away.

    The impatient part of me wants to just know if he likes me or not, so if not I can let it go and move onto the next. I do have two other potential Cds on the go, but BM is my first choice and I feel an affinity with him, even from the few messages we’v shared.
    Is ther a way of making it obvious without scaring him off?
    I am the yummy pie.



  452.  #452Rebecca on July 25, 2012 at 3:35 am

    Francesca, Tam

    Yes, that is food for thought.

    I think the point about being ‘aware’ is interesting. Yes, I agree that is what I need to work on.

    I’ve been told before I procrastinate..



  453.  #453Tam on July 25, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Goldenflower, how about shifting the vibe from ‘will he like me?’ to:
    I am a magnet.
    And just being open and smiley when he approaches you. Do you think he will be too shy to approach you? From experience, even shy men will take a step forward if they are interested…just being open and inviting and letting the evening unfold naturally?



  454.  #454Femininewoman on July 25, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Goldenflower – You are so much fun to be with. How can I get more of that stuff.

    I got that from Carol Allen. Maybe you can rescript it.



  455.  #455Goldenflower on July 25, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Yay, Hi Tam 🙂
    Yes, this is good. I am a magnet, I will definately be smiley, probably over smiley, but can’t hurt right?
    I think I am so scared I’m gona lean forward and ruin my chances with him.
    I just want to be natural, ha!
    I also have a tendency to over chat and tell silly stories and try and be funny, to hide nerves. Aaargh. I want to be sensuous and inviting instead!

    Also i think a lot of my worry is that i feel this is my last chance to encourage him, as I’ll be going on hols next week and wont likely see him again for another month. So I wanted to take the chance of seeing him, so I’m not all thinking what if during my holidays etc.
    I suppose if i took away the idea of there being a time limit it may help me. Like, maybe it’s ok for him to take his time to approach me, he just seems hesitant with women in general. I know if not much happens i will have the urge to fb msg him at some point anyway. Remind me how leaning back is always the best approach!!!
    Hows your CD plans going Tam? , I had a lot of new success on match after I changed my username, it’s amazing.
    xx



  456.  #456Femininewoman on July 25, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Rebecca I wuld take a look at my beliefs and really applaud myself for even a tiny step forward. Laugh when you notice the backward step. These will further increase your awareness. Awareness is a huge step forward.



  457.  #457Femininewoman on July 25, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Goldenflower can you wear a bracelet or necklace that you can touch/hold on to to remind yourself to shut up lean back because you are the magnet. Or maybe wear something in your hair you can play with. Also so you can sensuously touch yourself.



  458.  #458Tam on July 25, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Oh Goldenflower, maybe I should change my username too…it’s been a bit dead on POF. I am not CDing right now due to saving money, but I have a profile here in Germany and the US…trying to set up dates for when back in Florida actually..but way too early, still 2-3 months to go… I’ll be CDing like crazy when there because there are lots and lots of men. Here: nobody. So I am deprived.
    Haven’t heard from MrU – whatever. He will see that I am the air he needs to breathe, and if not, well then not. 🙂

    I also have that sense of urgency I read from your message, particularly when I like someone and am going to be away from them for some time….but I have actually found that not acting out on it produces better results. But if you feel like leanign forward, then why the heck not?
    Do it and just don’t expect an outcome (that’s where I usually fall off the bandwagon..hehe…so I don’t do it much anymore).



  459.  #459Goldenflower on July 25, 2012 at 4:49 am

    454: Femininewoman says:
    Goldenflower – You are so much fun to be with. How can I get more of that stuff.

    I got that from Carol Allen. Maybe you can rescript it.

    Thanks FW, this helps a lot. I wondered about actually asking outright? Is this not leaning forward?
    I wd like to say:
    It feels great talking to you, it would be great to do this some more / (flirty) can we do more of this?
    is this too much like asking?



  460.  #460Femininewoman on July 25, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Turquoise if your commets are refective of your vibe it feels bubbly, upbeat and positive.



  461.  #461Memulo on July 25, 2012 at 4:52 am

    I think that I should lean forward and call him. Or at least text – how are you?



  462.  #462Goldenflower on July 25, 2012 at 5:04 am

    458: Tam
    Yes, try changing username to see what follows. I was amazed that this helped. So glad you’r going back to US and will have chance to be in a bigger pond so to speak. Off for my lunch now. I shall return a bit later.
    FW, yes I’ll wear a bracelet and do this to remind me to be the magnet, open my heart.
    Thanks sirens. xx



  463.  #463Tam on July 25, 2012 at 5:45 am

    thing about internet dating is as soon as I put there the ‘would like to get married’ category, it weeded out pretty much everybody except the religious gentlemen. Hm. I could just put it back to ‘looking for a relationship’, I guess.



  464.  #464Rebecca on July 25, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Hmmm

    I procrastinate because I generally feel over welmed by everything. Then I panic and I start to act manically by trying to do too much. Or thats how it feels?!

    Like today when I was job hunting online. I kept seeing these adverts for business courses and I started thinking ‘hmm maybe I should do that…’ then I started to panic that I don’t ‘know’ enough about the area I work in. I am not a geek! I have my own way of talking… Hmmm… Awareness seems to be key here



  465.  #465Rebecca on July 25, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Hmmm

    I procrastinate because I generally feel over welmed by everything. Then I panic and I start to act manically by trying to do too much. Or thats how it feels?!

    Like today when I was job hunting online. I kept seeing these adverts for business courses and I started thinking ‘hmm maybe I should do that…’ then I started to panic that I don’t ‘know’ enough about the area I work in. I am not a geek! I have my own way of talking… Hmmm… Awareness seems to be key here



  466.  #466Femininewoman on July 25, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Goldenflower – The “we” in can we do more of this seems suggestive to me. I am not sure I would use that because for me it feels masculine/chasing. How can I get more of that – feels to me like bringing it back to me and taking care of my happiness.



  467.  #467Femininewoman on July 25, 2012 at 6:11 am

    RE 463 Tam is that your truth? Then I would stick with it if you are not looking for casual affairs. Let them think “I have to get my act together if I want to date that hot girl”.



  468.  #468Francesca on July 25, 2012 at 6:14 am

    It’s strange how perceptions change from day to day.

    Yesterday, I felt like everybody was conspiring against me.

    I even (foolishly) intended to remain in a bad mood all week just to “show them”.

    I was like, watch out world, I’m gonna get on your case and remain moody just to show you how mad I am at you.

    Today, I am in a totally different vibe.

    I feel good and can’t even remember why I felt that way yesterday.



  469.  #469Jasmine on July 25, 2012 at 6:30 am

    I hate how some guys ask me out

    This guy: “Heyy what you been up to? Haven’t seen you around.”

    Me: “Heyy not much, just busy with classes. Hbu?”

    Him: “oh i forgot you are a good girl [:P] I’ve been busy with class too. You planning to letting out the bad side and partying anytime soon?”

    I’m about to blow him off. He’s not even talking about any event in particular, what does he think I am.



  470.  #470Goldenflower on July 25, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Tam,
    hmm, yes I have my prefernces set to “lets see what happens” but it doesnt require you to state about marriage on match. I prefer to tell them that when they ask. Not that I’v got that far very often as yet.
    I’m just starting CD properly, I thought I was Cd afew months ago but then I was exclusive with the Fedex guy and didnt do any more dates. That was a mistake, and perhaps if I had been CD then I wdnt have got so hurt when things ended.