Classic Results – You Lean Back and He Leans Forward – You Go Away and He Comes to YOU

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sunsetHere’s a comment I wanted everyone to read:

“I kind of got blown away today and I don’t know how to take it and I am wondering if I am reading more into this than what it actually means.

Since reading this blog here I have started to lean back – way back, and now I also have Rori’s book to help me. It is difficult for me to do at times, it would be so much easier to go downstairs with the every day things and ask or get his opinion on something.

Instead, I am not doing that, nor am I talking with him about our relationship and how much I would love to work things out for us. I’ve basically been doing my own things and every now and then he comes and shares with me things about his interests (diving and boat) and some other things that are on his mind. He has always done that to some extend but there for a while it was a lot less so, but lately (the past 2 weeks or so) he is looking me more into the eyes and sharing more things with me.

Today I went downstairs to get the vacuum cleaner and I waited for a few seconds for him to come out of the bathroom to maybe have give him a chance to talk about whatever. He came out, saw me there with that stupid household appliance, went out of his way to grab it, then looked for his coffee cup, carried both upstairs (with me following him letting him be the man doing something for me), and then he started talking to me about something that is totally not anything that I should, would or could know about even though it has to do with diving. He told me about another person that he knows and what he is doing in life right now and what is happening.

To be honest, I felt a bit – flabbergasted – might be the right word, about him sharing this with me.

I don’t know. What I do know is what I felt – what I felt was that I just wanted to rush over there and just hug him and kiss him for helping me with the cleaner. He has not done something like this in a long time. But I didn’t do that though I felt like doing it ( I am aching for a hug from him).

For a moment I really felt like a woman, a lady, appreciated for doing what I was obviously going to do. To make the whole thing even stranger, it kind of gave me the energy to do it, even though before I felt and thought ‘damn this kitchen and dining room needs cleaning AGAIN’ – I hate cleaning, laundry, dishes etc, – I love cooking.

Anyway, while he was telling me and sharing with me I just leaned back, listened to him and kept eye contact with him. I felt he was giving something to me and I just received and I just let him be him and me be me.

Thinking about letting his male energy in, because that’s what it felt like to me. I didn’t stuff anything down, except my impulse to go over and kiss and hug him but I let myself feel what I was feeling. Wonderment, surprise, some warmth, at the same time some anger cause I want it to be like that all the time and things have so deteriorated, yet at the same time a feeling of us dancing around each other, circling each other, not literally but emotionally in a way. Like he is waiting for something and the same for me.

As you all know during this time I am trying and succeeding in small steps in getting my things organized. So I found this Chinese hat the kind the rice farmers wear and something else that I didn’t know if he wanted to keep or not. So I put on the hat and went to him and asked him about that other item. He bowed down with his hands held together in front of him, like the Chinese and Japanese do, with a shit-eating grin on his face, saying something to me in Chinese (he’s been there and speaks a few words of the language).

Would a man do that if he really felt it was over? Or is he trying in his own way to maybe make a step forward to working things out the only way he knows how?

Did I act or react in the right way today? I really would love some input on this, cause when it comes right down to it I am somewhat confused.”

And here’s my quick answer:

This is a classic result from using the Tools with a man – no matter where a relationship, or a date, or a conversation is right now:

Stop Overfunctioning + Open Heart = More Love

The more you keep doing what you’re doing, the more he’ll step up, the better you’ll feel, the more you’ll trust yourself and him, the safer and more excited he’ll feel — and then the sky’s the limit.

Unless he hits his “wall.”

Sometimes a man has a limit.  A place where his abilities stop him cold.  Where he can go no further, no deeper.  And what do you do when that happens?

You will simply lose interest. That’s what I wish for you, and that’s been my experience with clients who pined after a man until who he really was got suddenly clear.

If you are Circular Dating, you will be continually taking care of yourself, you will not have invested yourself entirely and exclusively with any man until you KNOW if he has a “wall” or not.  Until you KNOW if he can “do the job” of making you happy for the rest of his life.

Brava for this comment – you go girl! – and every encouragement I can toss you so you’ll just keep doing what you’re doing.

If you have any great stories like this…please let us all know!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Erika on September 24, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    I feel happy to read this success story, Rori. I feel inspired by how much your Tools are helping women. I feel delighted to see every miracle that anyone finds in their lives, no matter what road they travel to find it.

    And I want to share from myself tonight.

    Tonight after work I drove to meet a man. Yes, that’s right, I drove to meet him to go to an event that he had invited me to. He had come to my neighborhood the two days before that, and I felt perfectly feminine joining him at this event.

    During the evening, I simply was myself. Sometimes I lean forward, sometimes I lean back. Sometimes I touch him, sometimes he touches me. I don’t follow anyone’s rules, I do whatever intuition tells me to do. Mostly I’m just intensely present. That’s when magic happens, and it sure did tonight. Magic that feels like intense energy exchange, exquisite chemistry, and that absolute beautiful attraction between his very masculine and my very feminine energies.

    When he bought dinner, I asked “would you like me to make a contribution?” He said, “If you’d like to.” And I said, ” actually I love it when men pay.” And he made a joke about loving it when women pay. But it was lighthearted, not a big deal. He paid. I felt cherished. It didn’t follow anyone’s rules, but it worked.

    The way I do all this is a little different than your way, Rori. And that’s ok. My way works for me. And it works for the people who resonate with my style and learn from me.

    I feel delighted by all the men in my life, and I would feel stifled if I were following rules about any of this.

    After sitting with it a bit, I feel the best way I can make a contribution here is simply to share my EFT knowledge and how I see ways to use it as a complement to your style and your Tools. Those who find it helpful can try it out. Those who don’t find it helpful can tune it out.

    EFT changed everything for me. I see it as part of a bigger picture, just as I see feeling messages and masculine/feminine polarity as part of a bigger picture.

    For me, feeling messages are a way of connecting. But they are also a really powerful path for tuning in to our belief systems and changing them. When I have a feeling that doesn’t feel good, it helps me find the hidden judgment or negative belief that I want to erase with EFT.

    This is powerful knowledge, it has created miracles for me, and what feels best to me is simply to continue to offer that knowledge and experience for anyone here who is open to it. That’s how I feel right now at least. For me, this is all about experimentation and being open. And contributing the best way I know how.

    Looking forward to the PUA summit this weekend and no doubt many more deep beautiful connections with men who make my heart light up and my body tingle.

  2.  #2FEMENERGYLOVE on September 24, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    this story gave me hope.i truly hope i lose interest if he’s hit his wall.i have stopped trying to figure things out,worrying,scheming,ugh.feels so much like a job i really really hate.feel like shaking off all these feelings like how a dog shakes off water after a bath.need to climb out this well into the own sunshine.

  3.  #3gina on September 25, 2009 at 12:28 am

    i hung out with a guy tonight who I feel pretty attracted to, but when we talk, i feel bad when he basically makes fun of and puts down what I’m passionate about. I let him know…we’ll see if he changes his approach. The experience heightened my feeling of appreciation for who johnny is and all the things we have in common. At the same time, it helped me feel open to the possibilities of men besides johnny, which is a good thing too.

  4.  #4Tracy on September 25, 2009 at 12:28 am

    “You will simply lose interest. That’s what I wish for you, and that’s been my experience with clients who pined after a man until who he really was got suddenly clear……………….”
    I feel so triggered by this…..I feel frustrated when i feel so attracted to a man but no matter how much i do or say…for some reason he doesn’t step up….I feel angry when i think about every adjustment i have had to make with feeling messages…with leaning back with taking care of myself and yet still the guy doesn’t step up….
    I feel angry every time i think about it….
    I feel frustrated when i think about dating a man and he hits the wall and i know deep down that it can’t go further than that…I feel frustrated and angry and i feel helpless and i feel that i have failed….I feel that i have failed to make it work….
    I wonder how it feels for that person whose been married for a while and they finally realize that the man can’t give them what they need….does it feel just as frustrating?…
    I feel that i am looking at the whole relationship dynamics in a not so right way….and have my past fears about failure and the fear of not making things work out that keeps getting me back to this situations…
    I feel glad that Rori posted this and feel that i am triggered and all these feelings of anger are coming up….
    I don’t like the feeling of failure…i detest feeling like a failure..I feel sad when i put effort and i try to make something work and it doesn’t…I feel scared of reaching the point where i know i have to move on and leave what didn’t work out behind…
    sorry for riffing here….great post though…

  5.  #5gina on September 25, 2009 at 12:33 am

    When I see Johnny, this is the speech I’m thinking bout giving him…

    I feel weird about how I got weird last time we hung out. I felt scared and I felt like running away, and I was trying to avoid those feelings, so they came up in weird ways, like asking you about body parts. and now I feel embarrassed. what do you think?
    Next time I’ll be sharing the icky feelings if they come up. K?

    sound okay to you sirens?

  6.  #6gina on September 25, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Tracy, I can totally feel your frustration. I’m feeling good about the solution, though. to lean back and stop ‘trying” to make things work.
    Like my boss. Man, things didn’t go real deep before we hit his wall. I saw him today, and now that I’m not leaning on that wall hoping to make it budge, it’s amazing how turned off I feel. I see him and initially feel turned on by some sort of chakra chemical connection, and then the feeling fades as I feel him be still (or moving away, and at best, beckoning to me) instead of moving towards me.

  7.  #7Tracy on September 25, 2009 at 2:50 am

    Thanks Gina,
    Letting go has been a challenge for me because i somehow connect that to failure…Accepting that its not my fault feels difficult for me and i feel the need to go back and try just a bit harder…
    I feel glad i can accept all these and move on…baby steps..

  8.  #8Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 6:21 am

    Rori: I love this success story, but I have one question. When she felt like hugging and kissing him…is there any reason why she shouldn’t have done just that? A hug, a kiss and a “thank you for carrying the vac” sounds like it would have been a safe, comfortable and good thing to do. Would you disagree? It just seems to me that when we have opportunity and a desire to create more intimacy by touching our man…we should…

    Much Love,

  9.  #9Erika on September 25, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Mercedes, I like your question, and for myself I have noticed that I can feel in my body when it’s ok for me to do something like initiate a hug. It feels congruent. Or sometimes I’ll experiment with initiating or not initiating, just to see what feelings and beliefs come up. Ultimately my goal is not to have to follow any rules, but rather to clean up my belief system to the point where everything I do just flows naturally and “works.”

    On another topic raised by Rori’s post, when I or someone I’m working with is focusing a lot of not-feel-good energy on anything (be it a guy or beating herself up or losing weight or some other habit), we would explore these questions with the subconscious mind:

    – What feelings am I avoiding by focusing on this?
    – What would I be putting my energy into if I were not focusing on this?

  10.  #10gina on September 25, 2009 at 8:14 am

    I felt sad reading the part about how she wanted to hug him and didn’t. But then I thought of a time recently when I felt like hugging a man, and he was sorta stone cold. Not because he wasn’t “into” me – he was coming up with a solution to a problem. once he had figured it out. I felt him relax into me. There are times when i sense a guy who is NORMALLY pursuing me, will lean back because he WANTS me to come to him (kiss him, hug him, etc), and I still feel like I am following his lead and it feels good. I like to feel like I am following the leader, even when he lets me take charge.

  11.  #11Erika on September 25, 2009 at 8:14 am

    We’d also explore this question:

    – What does this situation remind me of from the past? (e.g., working hard for mom or dad’s attention, not feeling good enough to just “be” and attract attention and love, etc.)

    Then we’d clear whatever comes up with tapping.

  12.  #12Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 8:14 am

    Erika: My question was more about what Rori teaches on this. You made yourself clear with your first post on what you do with regard to leaning forward and leaning back. I know what I do with regard to it. What I would like to learn is what Rori teaches on it. If Rori can’t answer, I’m kind of hoping either AG or Daria (others that aren’t coming to mind at the moment??) do as they seem to have a really, really good handle on how Rori suggests we handle situations like the above. I think of the two of them as sort of experts on Rori’s stuff. I don’t know why I feel that way about them…maybe it’s because they’ve shown time and time again how they use these tools effectively? Not sure, but really, what Rori is teaching is what I would like to learn more about.

  13.  #13Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 8:16 am

    Gina: “There are times when i sense a guy who is NORMALLY pursuing me, will lean back because he WANTS me to come to him (kiss him, hug him, etc), and I still feel like I am following his lead and it feels good.”

    I’ve felt this too…

    Much Love,

  14.  #14Tracey on September 25, 2009 at 11:48 am

    I would like to know why she had to stuff down her feelings of wanting to go to him to hug and kiss him.
    This is the thing I have the hardest time with.
    Right now I am only seeing Rob on weekends. When I first see him after not seeing him all week all I want to do is run into his arms and hug and kiss him.
    It takes a LOT of strength not to but I wonder if he thinks that because I don’t maybe I am not very excited to see him. But I am, and I want to be like a kid and kinda let out a happy squeal and run to him just to let him know how great it is to see him.

  15.  #15Daria on September 25, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    well… I don’t have a very thought out answer to this, nor do I think I really have this one down…

    the reason I don’t go hug and kiss a man is because it’s leaning forward, ie me “giving” to him…

    this is kind of taking attention/energy from Me loving ME..

    most likely the thing that is going on is I’m NOT directing enough love to myself in that moment, and instead making him the object of my love…

    so instead I would feel happy to feel like hugging and kissing ME

    which I usually do feel like. actually I don’t very much feel like going and hugging and kissing men too much now…

    it feels like I’m a Goddess, and I feel love for myself, so theres no DRIVE to go hug and kiss them… if I do hug and kiss them, it feels more like the “love for myself spilling over thing,” it’s not like a DRIVE to go hug them

    that DRIVE is a lean forward thingy to me and maybe it means a part of ME actually wants hugging and kissing… or if feeling uncomfortable or some other feelings and I’m trying somehow to avoid that by directing attention Out

    what I would do to show appreciation is say something.. like Oh my gosh this feels so wonderful, I feel great, thank you, I Love this, even… I feel like hugging and kissing you right now (if that’s how I’m feeling)

    it’s not so much the hugging and the kissing as the DRIVE… Lean Forward DRIVES have a different energy taht I can i identify now, it’s like the energy of him telling me his “problems” and me wanting to say ohhh you know I can solve that… instead of just ohh , yeah, hmm, tell me more

    It’s like feeling DRAWN to a man (which could lead to leaning forward) vs. RECEIVING from the man and feeling good (leaning back)

    this feels kinda mental and confusing and i feel a little uncomfortable right now hehe

  16.  #16Daria on September 25, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Mercedes I feel surprised and honored. Thank you.

    I still feel a little resentful from something you wrote in the past that triggers me, and so apparently now I read some of your posts and feel irked by them. For example in this case I didn’t realize from your initial post that you were asking a real question and instead felt judgement and thought that you were stating disagreement in the form of a question…

    so i felt surprised to later on learn this was a true question… I feel guilty and also I feel glad that this seems like it’s starting to heal now

  17.  #17gina on September 25, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    interesting…I had the same experience as Daria with regard to Mercedes’ posts.

  18.  #18Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Thanks Tracey and Daria…I really appreciate the input.

    It feels mental and confusing to me too Daria. LOL

    In my relationship, I do it a LOT…but I receive it a LOT too and it feels good both ways. I guess I am confused because I totally and completely understand the concept of not leaning forward…except for when it comes to the affection thing. Affection to me is a two way street and I enjoy initiating it…be it a kiss, a hug, holding hands, any form of touching or even sex. It feels good to me and I guess that is the key.

    In my relationship, which ever of us gets home first will start doing our thing, but when we hear the other one come in, we go to the door and meet that person with a kiss and a hug. I think I would feel uncomfortable if he did that when he got home first but I waited in the kitchen for him to come to me if I got home first. It would feel like receiving, yes, but he needs to receive from me sometimes too if he’s going to keep giving. (In my opinion, behavioral patterns can develop based on what one person is doing. For example: When I want to remind him of how much I love the little notes he used to leave for me in the kitchen – but doesn’t as often anymore – I will leave him one. Never fails…he writes me a little note on the bottom of the one I left and will then start leaving them every few days for a while. When he stops again and I start missing them, I recreate the pattern by leaving one for him. I’m sure I could just say “I miss the notes you used to leave for me” and that would work, but it seems more romantic to start the process and for him to then be inspired to continue it. Not sure I’m making sense here…)

    Nothing changes…just trying to grasp the teaching and I appreciate your help Daria in explaining why it isn’t “appropriate” (for lack of a better word) here.

    And Daria and Gina: I’m not at all surprised I’ve irked you in the past…I tend to do that to lots of people, but I’ve come to realize that those who are meant to understand me usually end up doing so and those who don’t…well…I continue to irk them. Maybe we’re all meant to eventually understand each other. 🙂 Only time will tell. But…I do disagree sometimes and yes, sometimes I form it into a question…but that’s mostly because I learned my lesson here and an outright disagreement with Rori will get me attacked…really bad. So, by wording my disagreements as questions, I can sometimes soften the blow (again…for lack of a better phrase). I’m certainly not one to agree with everything I read and hear and I’m definitely one to bring it up when I don’t agree…and that will never change. In this case however, two things are going on: 1. I don’t work my own relationship that way and 2. I seek to understand (not necessarily change and not necessarily disagree, but understand) why it is taught the way it is. I’m not here to agree with everything Rori teaches…I am here to learn about what she teaches and to apply the parts I do agree with to my own life and my own relationship. Does that make sense?

    Much Love,

  19.  #19gina on September 25, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Today at work (I hostess at a restaurant), i had a strong sense of repulsion to a man who was a complete stranger. I hadn’t even interacted with him or witnessed him interacting with anyone. It was so interesting that I felt SO TURNED off. I literally got near him and couldn’t wait to walk away, and when I did, I said out loud “Ugh” and I shuddered. I was surprised by my strong feelings. it’s not that he smelled bad or had any physical reason why I should dislike him so, it was just a sense. It reminded me of Eckhart Tolle’s writing about the pain body. i felt like his was alive and vicious and very present. As soon as I had that thought, he got a phone call and was angrily chastising his friend for making him wait at the restaurant. He was sitting at the Sushi bar and had a seat available on either side of him. A single gentleman came in and wanted to sit at the Sushi Bar. The restaurant was filling up, so I went to seat him next to Mr.Painbody, and Painbody said “I have a friend that’s going to sit Right there!” and I felt SO angry. And I said “can’t your friend sit there?” and I gestured to the seat on the other side of him (which was my human response, not really my professional response – I don’t like how “real” I am at work when i’m triggered like that) . he said “sure.” I felt so bad for the man that had to sit next to painbody. I could see him turning away from him. ugh. his presence was awful. I wonder what that man is like on other days…

  20.  #20Tina on September 25, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    This is where I would just stand there or lean back, sitting in a chair or where ever I am and just feel my excitement, feel myself wanting to hug, run up to him and give him a big hug. This is when I realized we hit a “wall” thats when we broke up lol. not just about the no hugging but that is what triggered my wanting to know more. I felt disappointed when he wouldnt approach me. He would do it sporadically or when I was intentionallly leaning back. I dont know if I was giving off a “vibe” that said do not approach. He actually was gettiing better at approaching me and giving me a hug. When I gave him the “speech” that is when he chose to exit stage left or is it right lol. I leaned waaaaaaaaaaay back and he walked away, he made several attempts to contact me, I just now feel like I dont “need” him nor do I “pine” away waiting for his calls , or cry or anything really, I feel curious about him. I have moments that I start to feel sad about it all, then something amazing happens to my brain, my body physiologically wont allow me to go there. I cant explain it, I’ll start to pine away then my ” little friend” says you know Tina , I”m going to make a list of all the things we learned on Rori’s blog and we’ll go through them one by one if we have to lol. I think he loves this part as a “I told you so.” He sits on his suitcase waiting to go on my travel date with me.

  21.  #21gina on September 25, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    oooh. feeling irked again Mercedes. “an outright attack on Rori” will get you attacked? aaaaaaagh!!! I feel so annoyed. aaaaagh. I’m gonna have to sit with this for a minute. oooh…..

  22.  #22Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Oh Gina…not an outright attack on Rori…an outright disagreement with her. When I disagree with her, I get hammered with both blog posts and with personal emails. I’ve been asked (by a poster here…not by Rori) via email to go away and not come back because my voice is too masculine and if I can’t agree with what Rori says, I shouldn’t be here. I’ve received emails from Rori herself asking me if I’m doing okay and letting me know I’ll need to expect that kind of treatment when I disagree with her but that she’ll make sure it never gets out of hand on her blog.

    Not everyone does this to me of course, but it does happen and it really is bad. I don’t mean to irk or offend you, I’m just writing about my own experience with disagreeing and what happens to me. I’m not even accusing anyone here and won’t point out names…those who have done it know they have and I won’t “call them out on it” as I’ve done in the past.

    Really, I don’t mean anything by those words other than to explain why I sometimes rephrase my disagreements into questions so that it doesn’t happen quite as badly again.

    Make sense?

    Much Love,

  23.  #23gina on September 25, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    or maybe what you said is exactly right “an outright attack on Rori will get you attacked.” it’s like “judge not lest you be judged” (my interpretation of the concept anyway) when people share their feelings/stories/observations I rarely if ever feel judgment – I have an emotional response, usually compassion. when people judge, I immediately judge back. Same goes for me in life – when I do judge people, I see things change in their eyes. we’re judging each other and the connection is broken.
    I don’t understand why you WANT to judge Rori. I’m pretty sure you and I had the same emotional reaction to the part of the story where the girl resisted reaching out to the guy. Asking for clarification seems perfectly fair. I don’t understand the implication that you otherwise would have “outright attacked” Rori if you weren’t wanting to fend off attack yourself. So far, I’ve never witnessed Rori intentionally steering us wrong or judging anyone for her own ego gratification, so why would she warrant an “attack?”

  24.  #24gina on September 25, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    i just read your clarification after i posted the last part.

  25.  #25Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    I’m really confused. I’ve read my post like 10 times now and I can’t find where I said “an outright attack on Rori”. I can find where I said “an outright disagreement”…

    Are you referring to something I said in the past? I’m not sure when I would have said something like that. I don’t judge Rori. I spend money on her programs and I spend time here learning from her. I just don’t always agree with her…that’s all. I mean no disrespect…ever. I think she’s amazing and I link to this blog from my own. I would be honored to meet her. I love her. I’m confused…

  26.  #26Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    ok…maybe we’re posting at the same time

  27.  #27Tina on September 25, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    I dont see where Mercedes attacks Rori, just my 2 cents.

  28.  #28Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you Tina. I feel heard and understood right now in this very moment and I really, really appreciate it…very much.

    Much Love,

  29.  #29gina on September 25, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    you’re right mercedes. I got to the part about how you tend to irk people a lot and I felt my blood boiling. And then when I read the part about how you formed it in a question to avoid attack I got so annoyed and triggered and heated, and I started filling in blanks: my Interpretation was that your question was an indirect attack on Rori, and that your explanation of the question was an indirect attack on all the people who feel irked cause they don’t “understand” you yet. but you’re right – I did misquote you. I apologize. I regret that I didn’t go back and take a closer look before I wrote anything

  30.  #30gina on September 25, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    I started to write what was on my mind. I wrote out exactly what I could say if I was going to just state my opinion, and then I deleted that, and wrote the (mis)quote, which summarized what I was so angry about and that I was angry. that was no good. again – sorry.

  31.  #31gina on September 25, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    mercedes, for the first time, I think I kinda know what you mean about “understanding” you. i can reread your posts and “understand” you in a way that is different than my first impression which is usually triggered. I don’t know what that’s about. Im gonna let this be a lesson to me in feeling things out before I speak.

  32.  #32Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    I did the same thing a couple of days ago, so I understand how it happens. Apology accepted and I’m grateful it was a simple misunderstanding and not (as I was beginning to fear) something I said in the past.

    In this case, my question was really that…a question…a desire to understand why it is taught (or more specifically, exactly what is taught because I’m not quite sure on if there is “gray area” with regard to affection or if Rori teaches to NEVER initiate it…even when we feel like it. I’d like to fully understand.). Nothing more.

    My answer to you and Daria was not meant to be an indirect attack on anyone. It was meant to be a clarification of what I know about how people can relate to me sometimes and what I am trying to do so that I don’t trigger them as much. If there is a better way to disagree than using questions…(other than feeling messages – I’m very private about stating my feelings…for me, it’s too personal for a blog sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable. I use them ONLY when it feels good and right for me to do so) then I am open to it.

    I really only brought it up because two of you said I irked you. I was trying to explain how I am working on changing my style some so that doesn’t happen. I don’t like triggering people. I understand it happens, but I don’t like it. I just don’t always agree with everything. I don’t know how to word this so you will understand what I mean. I feel like I’m unintentionally making things worse and I don’t know how to stop it…

    Much Love,

  33.  #33Tina on September 25, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    I blamed Rori for me breaking up with my boyfriend lol. I was down right resentful. I THINK I at one point called her something that rhymes with WITCH (not on the blog of course) just how I was FEELING. So far she hasn’t steered me wronge. I take what I want and leave the rest, if GOD wants me to “get” something then I will in time “get” it. I’ve learned to trust the process, because it makes sense to me.

    I have no problem hugging or touching a man in the moment, the situation becomes a problem when I start to harbor resentments or I question his lack of initiating the hug or contact. my mind races, insecurites surface, Rori talks about what “feels” good to do. What feels good is for me to give a hug, what doesnt feel good is surfaces when I am over functioning by being the initiator of hugs all the time. also when I am so used to being the initiator of hugs, what happens when I get a hug on occasion, I start to feel uncomfortable about it. I start to question and feel resentful of that hug, I feel closed off , shut down. rather than open up and feel and enjoy the hug, my mind starts to ask questions. The practice of recieving hugs is important to my feelings, its a teaching I suppose, not a rule as Erika calls it.

  34.  #34Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Tina: “I have no problem hugging or touching a man in the moment, the situation becomes a problem when I start to harbor resentments or I question his lack of initiating the hug or contact. my mind races, insecurites surface”

    This is how I see it too…

    I go with what feels right.

    Much Love,

  35.  #35gina on September 25, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Mercedes, I’m sorry – feel like I made it worse. I do understand that you are trying to communicate differently and I appreciate it and I respect it. I’ll be more careful moving forward.

  36.  #36Tina on September 25, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I have to ask myself some seriously brutal honest questions when I am DOING the hugging and getting nothing more than a sad/lonely feeling from it blah! is this my shot of my preferred drug, the man I am addicted to? my heroin? If I capable of being honest with myself than the truth comes spilling out in all its ugliness, at times bringing me back to childhood memories/triggers. It opens the flood gates to my feelings, I cant possibily go back now. At times I’ll try and go back and repair the fckn gate but how ridiculous is that lol. baby steps…

  37.  #37Mercedes on September 25, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Gina: Moving forward sounds good to me too. Thank you for understanding me.

    Tina: I know how you feel. I haven’t had to deal with it for a long time, but I clearly remember hugging J and just thinking to myself (inside my head) “tell me you love me, please” or “kiss me, kiss me, kiss me”. The fact was…I was giving a hug to get one and I was giving affection to receive love. That never worked for me.

    Now, the difference is we both give affection to give affection. We both can just receive it. Neither of us is asking for anything in return…but we do get it in return. I think that’s why I wanted to clarify what the teaching is. I would think J would hurt if he were in the place I used to be in and instead, by doing it the way we do, neither of us has any doubts about whether or not we’re going to be loved and touched and held and hugged. We will…because we both give freely of it. I was hoping to understand if Rori teaches to give freely of affection as long as it feels good…but lean back if you are giving only because you want to receive.

    Oh how your post brings back memories for me though…wow!

    Much Love,

  38.  #38Tina on September 25, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    I feel it’s much better to hug from a position of pure love and joy than from a position of insecurity. I have to remember men are the ones who like to give, its their nature , they FEEL at their best, well the masculine energy ones, that is. I suppose it’s not all written in stone though. The man I was seeing hit his “wall” when I gave him my speech. He was DOING his masculine enegry man stuff up until the speech lol. Dang! oh well, funny now that I remember. I;m circular dating now, I sometimes feel like I am using my BOY energy when I am having discussions , like oh I dont feel comfortable paying for dinner, it kills the romance for me lol. then it starts, the boy energy thing i mean. I’ve learned to not have to feel to defend my position. I’m a GODDESS after all. I;m speaking here from the beginning stages of dating. I believe a relationship has a different flow, I dont know…

    I believe the tools are meant as a guide to see myself more clearly and the nature of a possible “forever” with a man. My travel first date asked me , Why do you say “I feel” can you stop feeling? I said no I cant stop feeling. I would much rather feeling NOW than blow up in your face later, he said, Oh ok. and that was that. He actually said he has a lot to learn about women/me and he LIKES it lol.

  39.  #39Tina on September 25, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Simply saying thank you does wonders for a man. He feels appreciated 🙂

  40.  #40gina on September 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    what if you act out on feelings of anxiety and “reject” a man? do you lean back and just see if he’s willing to try again.

  41.  #41Lisa on September 25, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    I unwittingly tried Rori’s leaning back lesson in a very difficult situation, and it has been reaping wonderful rewards.

    The man had been very distant the past 2 years of a 7 year reln. Finally, after a recent incident of cheating, I could take the offenses no more. I spoke my peace, and said I would be moving on, and that I was sure he would want to help me in my transition. All of his efforts over the past several years have really been to distance and get away. To have me make the first move.

    However, as I provided services for him (business and writing), he found it difficult to totally walk away. Sex was perfunctory and very occasional, associated with a few out-of-town trips which I later found he justified as “business” (“You deserved them.”)

    He is a game player, for sure, but is offering assistance of all kinds now, and I will graciously take it, as I have helped him immensely over the term of the reln. My problem has been in overfunctioning, and undervaluing myself. Now, I will take all assistance in good faith, knowing that truth has been spoken, and the game is up. My challenge is to continue what I have stated, and progress forward and beyond.

    Leaning back reaps good rewards from a man who wants to be “the man” and is insecure or has poor self-esteem. I’m sure it would work with “normal” men, too 🙂

  42.  #42Angeline on September 26, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Gina, I have the exact same question! I did that to this guy I actually really liked. I don’t know if rejecting out of anxiety counts as “raising your degree of difficulty”, but it should if the guy’s really into you, right?

    Anyways, I’ve gone into full on circular dating mode, so I’m not even thinking about that guy so much any more. Now I feel prepared for the next time he approaches me, if that ever happens. I feel sad that there’s no way to repair my behavior, but I also want to be with a guy who’s brave enough to keep trying if it’s something he really wants.

  43.  #43tinque on September 26, 2009 at 10:14 am

    “The fact was…I was giving a hug to get one and I was giving affection to receive love.”

    There it is right there. When the initiation comes from a clean place, spontaneously, a place of pure love as Tina said, it’s a beautiful thing, and the recipient will feel loved and appreciated and respond in kind or at least smile real big and glow.
    Men can be far more sensitive than we often give them credit foe. They can FEEL when we are giving to receive, and that DOES NOT feel good to them.

  44.  #44Linda on September 26, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    I dont have a success story to share. One where I did the right thing at the right time and got the guy. I wish I did… I wish I was like Mercedes this stuff was all just memories to me and I was in my happily ever after.

    I like to follow my intuitions. I keep in mind the rules here.. but ultimately use them as guidelines. I like what was said… I go with what feels good, and what feels comfortable to me. Before I found these tools, I was not in tune with that part of me. I have however been a person who is always genuine, even if it takes me a bit to sort thru till I can communicate it. I will tell you I love you… because I do, with no expectations or need to hear it back. Although it is wonderful to hear, my motivation is not driven by need to get, only driven by needing to be genuine and authentic.

    I feel like I am detoxing. I am the perverbial frog in the pot that escaped before she was cooked! My new work enviornment is awesome,…I did not know how bad it was and how it was affecting me. I feel like I have the monkey off my back finally. Even though I am disappointed and sad that the last guy I was seeing is not in my life..I am glad that I am away from him and his negative narsasitc way. It messed with me and my head big time, I just did not know how bad. I am starting to feel clearer and finding my mojo again.

    The other nite I was out on a date. This guy makes me feel comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. He is touchy feely. I like that if I am into someone. I can not say that I am… although I did let him hug and kiss me. I was curious and I was flowing in the moment. I actually enjoyed the kiss… but the hug felt foreign disconnected. As a hug goes…it was nice but I just felt that I was in the wrong place and wrong arms (sigh). Are they wrong.. or is it my attitude that is the problem? Emotionally I feel closed . I feel cynical, and untrusting and leary of any mans compliments or words right now. I dont like feeling like that. It feels ugly. I want to be in touch with the lighthearted, confident, free flowing,creative, spirit that I am again.

    I am circular dating again. My mind is off the last guy most the time, but I still wish he would have stepped up permanently. I see his face online… and a rush of something runs thru me…I wish it did not affect me…but it does. I have this tug of war inside me… one minute being glad he his gone (geez, what a mess that man was)…and the other wishing that he would call me and step up for good, finally doing everything he talked about with me. Maybe he hit his wall…I still cant quite dismiss him fully. Or I should say… dismiss the possibility of him being in my life. I just know that it cant be like it was and I am glad to not be dealing with it now.

    I am on the road to a better place I think. I dont sit aroung feeling sad that I am alone. I am following good thoughts the bread trail they create. I seem to be attracting interest from men younger than I online. Not sure what that is all about? Maybe it is my new glasses and tight jeans LOL…. My goodness I seem to be all over the place as I write this. I will put in my order… I want a real, authentic, caring, giving, responsible, honorable, communicative, sensual, sexy man….in my life permanently!…. YUM I dont think that is too much to ask?… I am worth it.


  45.  #45Rori Raye on September 26, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Lisa, Welcome and Thank you for your story. Now that you know how to do this, in a difficult situation …get out there and Circular Date. If you practice all the Tools with real men…things will get clear, and your life will change. Love, Rori

  46.  #46gina on September 26, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    I’m officially in the pits about johnny. I leaned forward sexually, was judging him in my head so intensely that he said he could see everything that I was thinking and he like wilted before my eyes – completely emasculated, and I told negative unattractive stories about myself. I also beat him on Guitar Hero. All on one date. I feel like it’s this thing in me that wants to F***k everything up. it’s some part of me that absolutely hates me and wants to destroy me.It’s gotten smaller and smaller, but it pops up when things are getting good. Probably like the fact that I’m in the pits even though I had a successful day today. Ugh, I know better than to claw my way back out of the pits. I guess I’ll just sink down to the bottom. I feel sad. so sad. and lonely and like medusa. a lady told me today that Medusa was originally a virgin priestess and that everyone wanted her. Then some God raped her and she could no longer serve as a priestess, and she could no longer get married cause she was raped, and some goddess sided with the God who raped her and turned her into a monster.
    I feel like a monster who’s trying to get back to virgin priestess mode with Rori’s tools. It feels impossible. Like I imagine myself holding it all together and a snake pops out of my ear everyonce in a while. or if I’m really triggered, a full head of snakes will chase off a man.
    If a man is “into me” is he supposed to tolerate these snakes? I don’t think so. So for instance with Johnny, Do I just chalk it up to a lesson learned? If he potentially COULD have been into me, and I effectively PUSHED him away, it’s pretty hard to forgive myself. but I know that if I don’t, then that’s just the beginning of another snake strand on my head. was I just not that into him? is that why I couldn’t stand his tongue sometimes? that doesn’t feel quite true. I don’t know. i guess I’m supposed to not think about him, and i”m supposed to take care of my self. right now. starting with crap about how I love myself. I don’t feel love right now. i don’t even want to fake it. I feel angry about stupid self love crap. uuuuuurgh I’m sad and angry and sad. and angry. and I do not love it. i hate it. i hate it. wallowing feels kinda good. boohoohoohoo. I want to draw a line in the sand of stuff that’s in the PAST. and not talk about it with guys. I dunno – some experiences were interesting, and part of having a relationship is so that someone can witness your life, so SHARING stories of your past seems legitimate, but it’s no good to share stories in order to paint an ugly picture. Cause I think he was seeing me as a virgin priest goddess, and I was determined to let him know that I was a monster, and had some belief that if he REALLY liked me, and if I was actually going to allow for intimacy, that he should be able to accept the monster. and that relates to the quote by Marilyn Monroe about how a guy should deal with her at her worst if he wants her at his best. but she had miserable relationships and probably committed suicide, OR was murdered cause of her relationship with a married man. so I don’t consider her a good role model. In fact, I’m beginning to regret the life size posters I had of her in my room growing up, because I think I may have indeed followed her lead in a lot of ways.

  47.  #47Linda on September 26, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    I understand the leaning back thing. I do it but I dont get the results mentioned here. I never have. Does it work for real?

    I dont call, text , email first ever. I even wait until men initiate contact if it is a daily thing. I guess I use it as a sign they are still interested in communication that day. You know this last guy I was seeing invited me to text and call but if I did he would not answer most the time (sometimes he would but not consistenly)…. it was like big ugly game I hated. It made me feel disrespected and unvalued and angry. He even voluntarily admitted that he purposly ignored me. That is just not normal and so wrong! WHy would someone do that?

    It did not matter what I did or did not do, he never leaned forward for or than a day or two then he would retreat. This guy does not fit the model here. What do I do with the next man? I already feel suspicious and that is not good…how do I find healing from all this? Some things in my life are so much better, some feel more messed up than before.


  48.  #48gina on September 26, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    i meant “men should accept her at her worst if they want her at *her* best.”

  49.  #49Terrance Thames on September 26, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Hey Sirens,

    Its been a while! I have had a lot of major shifts in my life so I have been trying to catch up for a while now. I feel inspired to comment now though

    I wanted to express my compassion for Mercedes.

    “When I disagree with her, I get hammered with both blog posts and with personal emails. I’ve been asked (by a poster here…not by Rori) via email to go away and not come back because my voice is too masculine and if I can’t agree with what Rori says, I shouldn’t be here”

    Wow! I was floored when I saw this. I have always seen Mercedes as a wealth of knowledge and a prominent figure on here, and I have always considered her questions as both extremely intuitive and engaging for great conversations. Truely an opportunity for all of us to move beyond our limiting beliefs to our more authentic selves. I felt a lot of pain and anger when I read those words. I felt a need to protect her. So i will go on record to say that I feel deeply honored to have her here posting and I feel her posts are very thought provoking and feminine. Shes one of the main reasons I keep coming back 🙂

    “I’m not quite sure on if there is “gray area” with regard to affection or if Rori teaches to NEVER initiate it…even when we feel like it. I’d like to fully understand.). Nothing more.?

    I would love to know more about this as well. Interesting enough I had a long conversation with a couple of blog members last night about this topic and needless to say there was a lot of triggering and differences of opinion goin on!

    From what I have experienced at this point from the leaning forward/back concept, for me it only works only when there is a mixture of the two. I have now experienced both sides of the spectrum.

    I have been out with women that lean forward tooo much. I never feel a lack of appreciation in this case, in fact I would say that I feel a pretty strong corelation between appreciation and leaning forward. Too much though and it becomes needy. What I felt from that is an drastic over-investment on her end which gave me the urge to either actually tell her to stop (if I really was interested). It usually it comes out something along the lines of “Stop acting like a man and relax. I date women not men. lol” or ” I feel a masculine vibe from you and I would love to feel your feminity more” Obviously not always in those words but it usually provokes a conversation and brings them into a higher presence. Or I would simply lose interest.

    However if they leaned back completely I would feel a undeniable lack of appreciation and that would turn to resentment which would turn into lack of chivalry/leaning forward on my part. This is something that I have examined consciously in now quite a few cases since becoming aware of the concept on here. This has happened in literally every case. I would often link lack of appreciation with a sense of entitlement which would then increase my level of resentment. It wouldn’t matter how physically attractive they were, leaning back completely kills the attraction.

    I asked the question last night:

    What if you and I went on a date and we lived on opposite sides of town. And the date was a place that we BOTH wanted to go to, but it was on my side of town. Would you come to me or would you LEAN BACK?

    One response was I would make him come over to me and pick me up and bring me back over to the place because it would feel too un-romantic/masculine to go to him. She would feel turned off by that.

    Her response kept bringing up the trigger with everybody that her stance felt more like a rule than a boundary. I never really thought about that before but difference between a boundary and a rule, was a pretty fascinating topic that I wont expand on cause this is so damn long, but it became obivous from both sexes that when a boundary feels like a rule it becomes un-attractive. But more on this answer below.

    The other was that she would go to him if she wanted to go to the event but not because she was going to see him.

    To me this felt like a healthy balance.

    I guess my point is that sometimes it just plain doesnt make sense to lean back for sake of leaning back. There should be some give and take there. Which to me sounds way more attractive. It actually feels to me like a more extreme level of confidence when a woman can balance not over-compensating (leaning forward) with self respect and boundaries (leaning back) Those are the kind of women that I feel drawn to and inspired to serve for the right reasons.

    Also with the question I proposed there was a slight disclaimer with the first answer. Her response was based on her experience that she always dealt with guys in the past who never drove to her so essentially that had become a very strong boundary to her. And I respect that. I just brought it up because of the different perspectives on the same topic.

    Anyways thats my 2 cents. 🙂

  50.  #50gina on September 26, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Terrence, I totally get what you mean about the two extremes. but I think if a woman leaves you feeling unappreciated, I would bet that she’s running away to deal with her insecurity (rather than overcompensating by leaning forward). I know that I have a tendency to runaway, and THEN lean forward to try to make up for the running. I think Lean Back is a great visual for women who tend to lean forward. but what about the runawayers? The water wheel image has been a helpful tool – I’m still trying to get ahold on how to center myself when i want to run away.

  51.  #51tinque on September 26, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    “Too much though and it becomes needy.”
    What does this mean? How much is too much?
    I still feel that if it’s from a clean place, spontaneous as opposed to needing reassurance or validation, this cannot be quantified. It’s an individual thing.
    My man and are VERY affectionate with each other and ALL the time. We’ve been together a long time, so it feels perfectly natural for me to initiate hugging, kissing, sex whereas in the beginning not so much. There’s NEVER too much affection in my book, and fortunately I’m with someone who feels the same.
    Overall though I would say he does the majority of the initiating or leaning forward.

  52.  #52Terrance Thames on September 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm


    I would agree that it is a good visual model. What is the water wheel image? Ive never heard of that before.


    “I still feel that if it’s from a clean place, spontaneous as opposed to needing reassurance or validation, this cannot be quantified. It’s an individual thing.”

    I couldn’t agree with you more. This was actually the point of my whole comment. Finding a healthy balance between the two. For me that comes with doing or acting or being just because it is what you want to do for you and not the other person. When you come from that place, to me it doesnt feel like its leaning back or forward, it feels authentic.

  53.  #53tinque on September 26, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Yes Terrance. I like this very much, “it doesn’t feel like its leaning back or forward, it feels authentic”.
    For me it’s like waves flowing back and forth, some are smaller, touching down gently, gracefully, others huge as they crash into the shore, bowling you over, almost overwhelming. And I love it all.

  54.  #54Linda on September 26, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Gina, I feel you here. I dont feel like a snake headed monster. (that visual makes me chuckle to myself writing it) but I dont feel good about how things are going now for me either.

    I have a young good looking guy who is interested in me… and I feel cold toward him. He said “he thinks when my shyness wears off” He actually has found something that is more than he can handle.” hmmmm, when I think about it….that sounds like my sirenish goddess is shining through…inspite of my attitudes that I feel swallowed up and am wallowing in right now. Cool!

    Every guy has a message for us. Even the guy who said I was not enough… sighted plenty of great things about me. Bottom line is he felt unworthy of a great relationship and sabatoged us himself. It has nothing to with me or anything lacking. I just feel sad that things did not turn around. He is the misserable one I am not.

    I dont like sharing stories with new people in my life about past relationships either. Funny though most men start out with it and intiate the whole cycle….If I hear “it is what it is” from a man one more time I think I will absolutely puke. It does feel quite counter productive but the share anyway. Sometimes I give an overview but never all the details….

    Are there really snakes? Go look in the mirror, while you are there, find one thing you like… stand there all day (or go get a chair if you have to) It feels good to vent, confess, ask for help…. it is a step for today. What you believe even if it is not the truth is your version of the truth. So if you see a snake, get the sissors and hack it off and keep cutting till all that is left is a the goddess that was always there.


  55.  #55Linda on September 26, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    I love the word and the work of authenticity in life. It gives me permission to be me! I have decided that I will keep being me and doing what feels genuine and authentic. I hate it when people treat others differently or like you have the plague just because you are interested or looking for a relationship. sheesh Why do the basic rules for fairly treating another person get changed into a offensive or defensive game. I hate that when that happens. So you dont like someone as partnership material? Does that give you the liscnse to suddenly treat them differently or rudely or ignore them…My hearts says no…. When the last guy I was seeing was not man enough to keep his word to me, I encouraged him one more time to not disappear but he did. I later wrote a email telling him how I felt about him… Even in being rejected I was still willing to be vunerable and say what I wanted and needed to say… He will never wonder how I felt, what I believed or hoped for…I was authentic with him… Not for his sake but for mine!…I can sleep at night because of that..

    It did not feel like leaning forward.. it just felt peaceful. I expected no outcome other than to share what I felt in my heart. I have never heard from him again. It is okay. Nothing is eating at me, just detoxing from everything. It is all good, even when it feels bad.


  56.  #56Ann on September 26, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    I like this post. I’m working on finding my balance in life.

  57.  #57gina on September 27, 2009 at 12:59 am

    Terrence, what if it was an event that the guy wanted to take her to? what would you think if she lived across town from you and the event – you invited her thinking she would like it…? would you be put off if she wasn’t up for the drive?

  58.  #58Bethany on September 27, 2009 at 3:35 am

    I wonder if this is all just terribly unhealthy. I don’t really feel like anything is helping me. I am horribly blocked with circular dating–horrendously negative about it. I feel devastated every time I have an ill-fated trip to see Christopher. I have been up all night with him next to me in bed–he had a show tonight at a bar but I forgot my ID and couldn’t get in and then a couple hours later he texted me and asked where I was and I said where and then asked him and then didn’t hear back until he called at 2am and said something about his inbox was full…I just feel like if he really cared he would have called if he didn’t get my text message back. But then again I feel pretty convinced I’m crazy and distorted and I’ll never EFT or feeling message my way out of this fucking pit of despair I’m in. I feel genuinely happy for all of you making progress but I wonder if I’ve just fucked it all up trying too much.

  59.  #59Paula on September 27, 2009 at 6:15 am

    I like this post a lot – thanks. I feel a little nervous about posting as I am not so experienced at this.

    I read the blog a lot and all of Roris newsletters. I have the ebook but not too many of her programs. I’m unemployed at the moment so they are a little expensive for me.

    I like what I read but sometimes, it feels culturally very different for me. I am European – not American. My experience has been that if I Lean Back, men do not step up or lean forwards into the space. So I feel hopeless about having the kind of relationship that I want, where I am the feminine energy.

    I feel a little upset at Mercedes past treatment here. I don’t like to be too fundamentalist about any teachings or beliefs. (although I do have a tendency to want the security of saying to myself ‘NOW, I have the answers’). I like to take what works for me and leave the rest.

    I do undervalue myself a lot and overfunction in a relationship because I don’t believe that anyone would love me just because I am me. it’s nice to be trying to be a Goddess. Me!

  60.  #60Tracy on September 27, 2009 at 7:07 am

    I can resonate with the feeling of frustrations and in fact if u checked my posts a few months back i have one similar to what you just said….I feel progress in what you are going through…
    For me it started with identifying my anger and limitations and slowly i learnt to accept them and embrace them….Circular dating was hard in the beginning and my first few dates were discouraging but i slowly learnt feel the present moment,enjoy the time with the man that i was currently dating and just have fun….and most important learn more about myself…
    I haven’t any man that i have totally fallen in love with,but i have learnt a lot from all my encounters and at the moment i find it amazing that men are hunting me down with little effort from my side….I feel less stuck with my EX Guy and i feel more close to a wonderful relationship….
    so i’d keep circular dating and being in touch with my feelings…I feel that you’re getting to a good place…baby step and love yourself even more deeply…Hugs..

  61.  #61cookie on September 27, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Leaning back does help mostly when I’m with my guy, he will start kissing me or laying on me or whatever sometimes. Its when I’m not with him that troubles me. Like he only calls me once a day now and on saturdays he may not call at all. On sundays which is supposed to be our day he doesn’t call until much later. Idk maybe I want too much time and affection.

  62.  #62cookie on September 27, 2009 at 7:49 am

    I’m always feeling nervous that in a few days will be what is our 8yr anniversary of us being together. I feel nervous that the day will go unnoticed. I feel very sensitive about this. I will most likely need some support or feedback reaaly soon.

  63.  #63laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Aloha! I feel so excited to be sharing with Rori and all of you other goddesses! I feel thankful to receive help with the tools and rules. This is my first time posting and I am fairly new to this work. I have three of Rori’s programs, Circular Dating, Modern Siren, and Toxic Men, as well as the e-book.

    I have felt challenged when it comes to applying the skills that Rori teaches even though I understand and believe that they work. I have felt very challenged when it comes to changing my patterns. I have had a particularly hard time with the feeling messages. I often feel very awkward when I try to use them. I have felt much more clear about how to use them after reading your comments and seeing how you all use them.

    I feel inclined to ask for your help with a particular scenario that I am experiencing. I also feel a little scared that you are going to tell me something I don’t want to hear.

    So, for the past year I have been pining over this man I will call J. When we first met, he was interested in me. I quickly killed his attraction by not being authentic with my feelings, pulling away out of anxiety, then way leaning forward, and majorly overfunctioning. I remember one time, we were kissing and he was looking into my eyes in a loving way and I just couldn’t handle it. Out of my anxiety, I resorted to my comfort zone of “servicing” him. He was so trying to connect with me and I just had to escape it. I didn’t want him to SEE me because my self-esteem was that low.

    Well, our love affair didn’t last long. He started dating someone else. We remained friends and starting working together. He owns his own business and he hires me to help with many aspects of it. I absolutely love working with him. I enjoy the work we are doing and we have lots of fun together. The thing is, I can’t help but feel attracted to him when I am around him. But…I also feel so sad when I spend all this time with him, having fun, being productive and then he does man things for his girlfriend. I feel so awful witnessing that, although I do feel thankful because this experience has been a great example of how Rori’s approach does work. His girlfriend applies many of the tools. I don’t know if she just does it naturally. I have often wondered if she has Rori’s books as she is so clearing doing the technique.

    From observing them, I can see that this approach really does work. Logically, it makes much more sense that he would want to be with me. I am way more his “type” physically. He wasn’t physically attracted to this woman initially but said that he is now. We have a lot more in common than they do…but she knows how to build the attraction and I only know how to kill it.

    …But that is changing! Which brings me to my question.

    So, J asked me to work on a another project with him. I have been leaning back for the past couple of weeks more and more. Instead of working together all day, every day, I wait for him to call and ask me to work on a specific project. I am getting better and better about not calling, not emailing, just responding to him, and not overfunctioning.

    Part of me feels like it would be best if I just cut things off between us completely but at the same time, he is a great person for me to practice these skills with. We are able to have very conscious communication and this situation is so challenging for me, I feel hopeful that I can learn a lot from it.

    I feel excited to hear your feedback!

  64.  #64gina on September 27, 2009 at 10:05 am

    i think the lesson with Johnny is if I want to get good I have to give good.

    I am feeling awful thinking about how I behaved. Like I mentioned some curtains that I had finally painted and he said something like “you’ve been talking about those curtains since I met you 2 months ago.” and my feelings were kind of hurt – cause when we met, he was fun to talk to about the curtains, and now he seemed fed up and critical. but now I think he was just teasing me to get me to be girly and connected. but I got defensive. I wanted to WIN. I said “we haven’t even known eachother 2 months. so that isn’t how long I’ve been talking about the curtains.” he said ” yes it has been 2 months since we met.” I said “no. but I don’t care, I’m just saying that isn’t how long I’ve been working on the curtains.” and he said “let’s figured it out. how long has it been?” then he gave his reasons for thinking it was 2 months since we met and I was like “okay fine, 2 months.” and he said “you give up so easy?” and I said “it’s been a month.” small things like that where it’s like I took a knife to the connection.
    He hasn’t contacted me since that night. he has given short responses back to me,
    I also think back to times when I felt super appreciative and didn’t express it, thinking that I would wait till I was more comfortable – like I was holding out as if there was unlimited time. and now I feel like i missed those opportunities. I feel so bad right now. this sucks.

  65.  #65Rori Raye on September 27, 2009 at 10:34 am

    laughing goddess, Welcome! Here’s the thing…as a diva, as a Rock Goddess, as a Rock Star Free Spirit…you can do ANYTHING. You don’t need any Tools, any Rules, you’re just cool, strong, confident, know what you want, move with your feelings. But unless you’re there, you have to set up some sort of structure for yourself to follow – that’s what the programs are all about helping you do. The Tools are bite-size but major transformational Tools – not strategies to “use” – but Tools to do for the long-run and powerful effect they have on YOU. The whole “Rock Star” thing I talk about is that you often HAVE to be around the man you just broke up with. School, work, rock band…but it makes it all so much harder. I’m also not saying this guy isn’t going to turn around and feel you as “new” and want to see you again. SO — the thing to do is Circular Date. It will save you. If you are honestly, truly, having FUN using that Tool CONSTANTLY – you won’t have time to focus in on this man –which is the kiss of death to attraction. When there are LOTS of men around – of ALL kinds…that’s when you start to relax and become yourself. Love, Rori

  66.  #66Rori Raye on September 27, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Bethany…I know a bit about that black hole. It takes up space in your consciousness and won’t let you shift out. It grabs on for dear life and plants fear everywhere. For this..I take bold measures. I go as far out as I can. I go to absolute surrender. I go to the “Universe” – to God, whatever this might be for you – the language doesn’t effect me as much as the spirit and intent… and just give it over. And sometimes I call a friend to help me do it. Just last night (I’ve been sick and under the weather for so long now, it was starting to get to me) – I called my friend Virginia Feingold Clark (she’s on Commitment Blueprint) and asked her to “talk me down.” She took me through a guided meditation, read me something around health by Marianne Williamson, and I was in a good place in 10 minutes. (You can find her at – she works by phone, and if she can help me when fear creeps in, she can help you…). I read something inspiring. I carry around whatever makes me feel steadier and more connected to my “health” and “balance.” I simply refuse to think those fearful thoughts…and I work through the fearful feelings by surrendering to them instead of trying to “surmount” them. You are feeling backed into a corner of behavior. As you baby-step your way into new behavior – it will change for you. The fact that you feel so negative about Circular Dating speaks to the clear truth that it is MEANINGFUL for you and POWERFUL – and will help heal you. You are digging in your heels right now against change. Work with THAT. Love, Rori

  67.  #67laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 11:04 am

    Hi Rori. Thank you so much for your response. What I am hearing you say is that I don’t HAVE to end my relationship with him completely. That if I focus my attention on doing things I enjoy, taking care of myself, and circular dating, I can also continue interacting with him and that things could change between us but that is not my focus, my focus is on having fun and loving me.

    I have started circular dating. I don’t have any regulars yet but I am being much more open to other men, making eye contact, and flirting. I feel confident that more and more men that I feel attracted to are coming into my life. I used to think there weren’t any men in this town but now I am seeing men everywhere, in cars as I drive, at the health food store, out in nature.

    I feel very excited to get to know them. I feel very excited to get to know myself. I feel like a rock star. I feel like a goddess. I feel happy that I have this friendship with J. I feel so happy that he offers such a solid reflection to me of when I am being in my feminine energy and when I am not. I feel worried that my previous sentence shows that I am still overly focused on him.

    I feel happy that you are starting to feel better and getting over your illness. I feel excited to change these patterns that are not working for me! I feel excited about the experiences I will have as a result of these changes.

  68.  #68gina on September 27, 2009 at 11:11 am

    but the other thing I kept telling myself about johnny was “I don’t know if this is going to work, but even if it doesn’t, at least I know that there are guys that I like that pursue me. It feels bad that he decided to quit on me. it feels real bad. damnit i was trying to feel better. damnit never mind, that message doesn’t feel good any more.
    but the point is that I’m done moping about it. I’ve peeled away as many layers of BS that I imposed on the situation as possible – now it’s time to learn the lesson and move on. I intend new opportunities for love. though I have to admit I feel an immediate urge to run away just thinking about it. I feel like getting tougher and stronger and harder and more resistance, but as I write that I’m crying. so that must not be true to what’s happening deep inside of me. I HAVE to accept what’s happening deep inside of me so that I can quit it with the HOT COLD, UP DOWN, Complicated drama. Okay…I am so proud of the ways that I have eliminated drama in my life – tardiness, messiness, incompetence, crappy living situation, uncertainty….mostly gone from my life for the last couple of months. I can celebrate a lot of growth. I can celebrate that even though i don’t make a ton of money, I live downtown and shop at central market. I’m loving life overall, for real. This thing with love and relationships – I’m gonna be nice to myself and not put pressure on myself. I’m going to open myself up to a relationship that truly feels good. and i’m not going to beat myself up for how i do it. I’m going to look for what feels good – not at whether I’m doing it right. if I want to run away, I’m gonna breathe ,deep and feel myself heavy and rooted, and I’m not going to say or do anything until I take 3 deep breathes. I’m going to find my feelings deep inside of me and i am going to speak in feeling messages. I’m going to open myself to all relationships to feel good. I don’t HAVE to be annoyed by my roommate. I don’t HAVE to live in anger at my boss. I don’t HAVE to feel crappy around some of my coworkers. I don’t HAVE to feel lonely. And I’m not going to deny those feelings either, but I’m not going to hold on to those conditions. I’m happy about the way that I’ve removed some chaos from my life, and I am willing to remove the inhibitions that keep me from love in all forms. I liked what Linda said about cutting off the snakes. Like each one of those snakes was a nasty voice. one said “youre always late” and I said, I hate to be late, it stresses me out” – SLICE! be gone! another said “you’re inconsiderate” and I said “i feel scared of failing to make people happy, so I don’t bother trying. but then I realize that they never needed me to MAKE them happy, they just want to experience that other humans care about them, and I do care about them, so I’m happy to show it and feel connected” – WHACK! DIE SNAKE! Another said “Your so weird. No man will ever love you.” I say “Nah, I’m a unique Goddess like every other woman. The only reason a man who’s heart matches mine, would leave, would be if a foulmouthed snake came out from my mouth and bit him – WHAPOW! YOU’RE DONE SNAKE. and there ya go. I’m off to Central Market.

  69.  #69gina on September 27, 2009 at 11:24 am

    And I just realized that the number one way that I over function in a relationship is that I talk bad about myself -like I’m in a hurry to get to the break up.

  70.  #70Rori Raye on September 27, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Terrance – so glad to hear from you…and here’s the deal. These are Tools – not “rules.” They are to HELP a woman who is consistently Leaning Forward to retrain herself not to overfunction. Leaning back is not a “way of life.” It is a therapeutic Tool…and because most of us are continually “overinvesting” in a man – it must become the “default” position when you are feeling anxious or needy (things you could not know about, Terrance – you can’t know what’s going on inside a woman in front of you…you can only guess at that through her actions and vibe – and these Tools are meant to work on the INSIDE through reversing the things we instinctively and automatically do that HURT us).

    What’s important about driving across town is what that FEELS like to the woman. If she’s all over this guy, then that will fill the space when she drives to him. She will FEEL invested. If she’s keen to see the show, and the man is a nice bonus, then her energy field will be lovely. How a woman who is USED to overinvesting GETS to the place where she can be keen about the show and non invested in the man — now that’s what leaning back in a day-to-day way, and processing the feelings that come up when you do that are all about. Can you see that this is meant to be a process of transformation, and not a rulebook or playbook for situations?

    The only reason we talk about situations is — the more specifically we can use a Tool that feels different to us when we are emotionally triggered by that situation – the more powerful the therapeutic effect on us — the more powerfully our vibe will shift and we’ll feel a sense of “success.”

    As for the leaning back — and its attractiveness — leaning back is only one part of the combo — the other is warmth, openness, authenticity, vulnerabiity. If a woman’s smile and heart and vibe is sensual, open and welcoming, while she is leaning back…you would be drawn in. In a noisy restaurant or bar — it’s impossible to hear someone unless you lean forward. A woman has to compensate for that in her ENERGY not being Forward Leaning. Leaning Back physically as much as possible helps with this. Hope this illuminates for you. Love, Rori

  71.  #71Rori Raye on September 27, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Gina – stop second guessing yourself. Your insights are wonderful — now LOVE yourself through this. Everything is a lesson. The only way a lesson is wasted is if you don’t learn from it. And there’s no way to know what the outcome for ANYTHING would have been had we done it differently. That kind of mind game is the way you waste a lesson. Deconstructing something that happened and mastering it by practicing doing it differently for NEXT time…not THAT’S the way to learn from lessons and change your life. Go Whooppppeee! I’m getting triggered! I have something to work on!!! Love, Rori

  72.  #72laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    I am working on a script for what I want to say to J regarding working on this project with him. I feel excited to receive feedback on it. I also feel embarrassed for posting so much in the past few hours. I feel worried that I am being needy. I feel angry towards my “nasty voice” for saying telling me I am being needy.


    So, here is my script. J and I have very open and honest communication. What I am saying won’t be a shock to him. We have discussed the topics before. He knows I often feel attracted to him and that feel lousy seeing him and his girlfriend together. He knows that I am taking space for this reason. He said he understands, take as much space as I need, he’s my friend and he’ll be there as when and if I decide I am ready. What’s different is my approach. I want to speak to him entirely in feeling messages and not overfunction by overexplaining myself. I don’t have any expectations of what will happen if I say this. I just feel excited about practicing being honest and authentic but also nervous…very nervous. I feel scared of being vulnerable.

    My script:

    “I feel conflicted about working on this project. Part of me feels excited because I know it will be fun. But part of me feels worried that it may not be the healthiest thing for me to do riight now. What do you think?”

    At this point I imagine he will ask for more clarification.

    “I feel worried and scared that I will fall back into my old patterns of relating with you. I really want to change my patterns. I feel easily triggered in this situation and I am scared that I’m not ready to handle it. What do you think?

    ” I want to remain open to meeting and spending time with other guys. I feel worried that I will get distracted from that if I spend time with you. What do you think?”

    “I can’t help but feel attracted when we are together, then my heart feels confused when the feelings aren’t reciprocated. What do you think?”

    Holy crap! Can I say this? This is brutally honest. Oh my goodness! I feel so nervous yet excited contemplating it.

    I feel very excited to hear feedback!

  73.  #73Terrance Thames on September 27, 2009 at 12:32 pm


    “Terrance, what if it was an event that the guy wanted to take her to? what would you think if she lived across town from you and the event – you invited her thinking she would like it…? would you be put off if she wasn’t up for the drive?””

    In that case I would probably not since I invited her, but I probably wouldnt put myself in that situation either. Especially if it is a first time out. In order for that to happen the event would have to really really interest me and I would have to be extremely attracted to the woman at the same time. That rarely happens.

    I hope this helps

  74.  #74alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    my feelings after reading this post of rori’s:

    i feel good the woman is learning to lean back and that her guy helped her with the vacuum. i felt sweetness and manliness in that gesture. mmm that feels so good.

    i feel curious about the idea of a man (or woman) having a wall. my ideas of this is that this wall would be a painful point of purposeful (yet perhaps unconscious) contraction. meaning the person would refuse to expand. or be open. for me it would be a refusal to allow someone to truly see me. or a refusal to follow my bliss. those would be painful points of contraction for me.

    maybe my purpose in life is to assist people in dismantling thier walls. ugh. that was a private thought that just came to me and i feel unsure about sharing it. but i have been working on finding my purpose in life.

    anyhoo. back to my original train of feelings.

    i feel good to lean back. and as rori mentioned in a later comment about rock star-ness —initially i felt good to really hold firm to leaning back leaning back leaning back. now i experiment with my behavior based on how i FEEL. in a rockstar moment if i had this happy joyuous feeling of wanting to go hug on my man i might do it depending on how i feel. if i felt really conflicted about it i would probably not do it. me personally. if i felt free and connected to my higher self and was feeling good to do it i would feel good to do it. i would FEEL GOOD TO DO IT. get it?

    gina i feel so happy to see you blossom into such a lovely creative self loving generous thoughtful beautiful goddess.

    rori i see you in glorious perfect health. i feel so good to imagine you saying i have never felt better in my life. i am healthier than i have ever been in my life. i feel good to imagine you stretched out on a shaded lounge chair with a coconut in your hand with an umbrella sticking out and your favorite book. i feel good to imagine you taking deep breaths of healing fresh air and feeling invigorated.

    pauka paula i feel good you shared. if you want to be feminie energy in your relationship then you can attract masculine regardless of where you live. oh dang. that was very directive. im sorry. im on my cell and cant edit. i believe i can attract what i want regardless of what is common belief or practice in those around me.

  75.  #75alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    or maybe i am incorrect about my wall ideas. sometimes people just are who they are and the people don’t match up. the wall could be that as well. i would probably feel this very early on though?

    what is this “wall” concept? what is the wall?maybe the wall is

    i have ideas about my ideal relationship and this man is not able to be the man i would like to be in relationship with. or he is not choosing to be or whatever.

    is that the wall?

  76.  #76Terrance Thames on September 27, 2009 at 2:04 pm


    These are Tools – not “rules.” They are to HELP a woman who is consistently Leaning Forward to retrain herself not to overfunction. Leaning back is not a “way of life.” It is a therapeutic Tool…

    This is my take on it as well and thanks for stating that. Especially the leaning back is not a way of life. And I completely agree that it should become the default position to lean back to not over-invest. It was just when I saw the tools being used in real life from someone that uses this blog, it was confusing to me because they seemed to actually be “a way of life” to her. I just needed a little clarity

    “What’s important about driving across town is what that FEELS like to the woman. If she’s all over this guy, then that will fill the space when she drives to him. She will FEEL invested. If she’s keen to see the show, and the man is a nice bonus, then her energy field will be lovely. How a woman who is USED to overinvesting GETS to the place where she can be keen about the show and non invested in the man — now that’s what leaning back in a day-to-day way, and processing the feelings that come up when you do that are all about. Can you see that this is meant to be a process of transformation, and not a rulebook or playbook for situations?”

    Yes I agree here as well. Thats why I felt that the second response felt like a healthy balance. I always interpreted this as a transformational process and thats why I incorporate it in my teachings. I was just confused with what I saw in real life.

    “As for the leaning back — and its attractiveness — leaning back is only one part of the combo — the other is warmth, openness, authenticity, vulnerabiity. If a woman’s smile and heart and vibe is sensual, open and welcoming, while she is leaning back…you would be drawn in”

    Again spot on. As a man I would see the other half as the appreciation factor I was mentioning above. To me that almost feels like leaning forward to show that side of you. Thats the lean forward I am talking about that would give balance to the equation. I guess I just worded it differently.

    warmth- smiling with positivity. Eye gazing and touching with passion.

    Openess- To expession her feelings, desires, and boundaries without judgements or emasculating actions such as giving me directions or commands

    Authenticity- to speak her truth in an feminine, non-judgemental way and with love. This shows trust and love for herself which is huge for me.

    Vulnerability- allowing me to lead and trusting that I am going to lead her on my purpose whatever it may be.

    All of these can be done with affection and appreciation. This to me is leaning forward in a positve manner and needs to be present for me to not build resentment.

    Again thanks Rori for clearing that up with me.

  77.  #77laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Terrance,

    Thanks for sharing your perspective. I find it very helpful to hear a man’s view on all of this. Please keep ’em coming!

  78.  #78Terrance Thames on September 27, 2009 at 2:12 pm


    Love the name and I am at your service 🙂

  79.  #79alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    that felt really good terrance. thank you.

  80.  #80Rori Raye on September 27, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Terrance – just so we’re not confused here…Everything you say regarding openness and vulnerability – yes, except it is DISTINCTLY NOT leaning forward. You actually cannot do these things while leaning forward…it would mix up the energy. All of these lovely things are RESPONSES. They are in response to YOU. They are a response to RECEIVING. They are acknowledgment that what you have given has been received and appreciated. And – this HAS to be a way of life until we get it into our bodies, minds and hearts to do it this way instead of the old way. You can lean back forever without vibing cold and unappreciative. Thank you is a response – it’s NOT a leaning forward initiation of something. So – for now, would it be okay if we don’t confuse the forward and back structures, and stay with my definitions? The only leaning forward I specify is something called Passion Stories…I lay it out in one of the programs…not sure, have to check…when you’re talking about something amazing that you experienced…it’s all sharing, all expressing, all Feeling Messages, yet your body language HAS to be leaning forward, there’s no other way. It’s very, very specific. Love, Rori

  81.  #81Rori Raye on September 27, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Laughing goddess, this is great – EXCEPT — you DON’T want his help in choosing to do this project or not. YOU and your inside boy have to choose this on a PROFESSIONAL basis ONLY…and then you have to decide – by yourself – if you can handle it emotionally if nothing changes between you. THEN — when you see him, you say…I feel excited to be working on this Project (Remember – you took the job for the JOB – not because of him — he’s actually an inconvenience here…), and that’s IT. Then, if you start to feel crappy at any point, you say…whoops, this doesn’t feel good, and you get out of there for a bit.

    In other words…I don’t want you to ask what he thinks you should do in your PROFESSIONAL LIFE!!! Make sense? At this point…I’d stick with, it feels great to work on this project, it feels good to see you and work with you, it feels crappy to be doing it in this situation, and I’m not going to pretend it’s all okay or suck it up, I may get all weird at times…don’t ask for his help with it, okay. I want you STRONG… now – get out there and DATE!!!!! Love, Rori

    This has nothing to do with being needy…this has to do with you making a decision that’s in your best interests overall, and sticking with it in an authentic way.

  82.  #82laughing goddess on September 27, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Thanks for the feedback Rori!

    I feel certain that what you are saying is right on yet it also feels so strange, awkward, and against my natural instincts. I don’t feel satisfied with where my natural instincts have gotten me and I feel ready to try something new.

    I feel like trying this even if it feels weird. I feel confident that as I take risks and do it, things will get easier…just like the feeling messages have. I feel excited about the possibility of loving and valuing myself so much that men (and women) will be naturally drawn to me and feel alive in my presence. I feel sad that I didn’t learn this sooner. I feel pissed that my parents didn’t teach me this. I feel bored with those feelings and want to release them and move on. I feel fun. I feel energetic. I feel on top of the world. Wow! I feel grateful to even know what my feelings are. I feel like I could riff forever. It feels so good to be in touch with myself…to care what I am feeling. I feel interested in the depth of my soul. I feel grateful for the support you are offering.

  83.  #83Terrance Thames on September 27, 2009 at 3:31 pm


    So Responses instead of leaning forward? Ok got it. Easy enough.

    “You can lean back forever without vibing cold and unappreciative”

    I am curious about what this would look like as I have never seen before or been aware of it consciously.

    “You actually cannot do these things while leaning forward…it would mix up the energy”

    As my intuition develops further I will hopefully be able to understand this energy thing a lot better. As I am right now tho, I guess this is over my head as to why that would mix it up, but im ok with that for now. 🙂

    “The only leaning forward I specify is something called Passion Stories”

    I would curious to know more about this as well

    This is an informative post for me. Thanks 🙂

  84.  #84Terrance Thames on September 27, 2009 at 3:39 pm


    Thanks for the appreciation. I’m glad my words made you feel good 🙂

  85.  #85alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    mmm that was great. i already sort of feel what rori is giving and teaching so i overlooked what terrance had said about leaning forward or whatever. but rori’s clarification really felt clear and i felt good to read it so clearly laid out. (the more i hear it and the more different ways i hear it the more clear and true it feels.)

    so thank u both!

  86.  #86tinque on September 27, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Terrance – In my experience, you WILL know and feel the energy. It feels to me like a warm wash of delicious water over me, loving, smooth, inviting, yummy energy. You will just feel good and right.
    The other feels encroaching, jangled, uncomfortable.

  87.  #87Tracey on September 27, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    This is a great conversation; thanks everyone for your input/insights. I’m afraid that after vowing to STOP myself on Friday afternoon before seeing him I ended up at 2:00 am after a couple of drinks confessing to him that I was afraid and that I was having a hard time not wanting to run away. It started out that I was trying to thank him…long story short; we dated when we were in our 20’s for about a year, but then I messed it up by dating another guy at the same time which really hurt him because I lied about it. Anyway, he has been “the one” for the past 18 years and I have thought about him often. When we first started seeing eachother earlier this summer it was after I drunkdialed him on New Years and confessed everything to him. For the most part its ok; he has told me that was the best phone call of his life (the worst for me…happy, sad, laughing, crying….typical insecure girl stuff). And he has told me that he is really happy that I have come out to him (after his father died a few years ago he has not been able to get out in public/group settings so I have been seeing him there and we do lots of fun outdoor things, ATVing, camping, planting and picking vegetables, etc.) anyway, I wanted to thank him for being everything I remembered and more of a man that I could have imagined. (After I stared leaning back (a bit) he really stepped up and stared looking after me like you said he would!) So, I wanted to tell him that I was happy and thankful but our conversation got twisted up and I ended up berating him a bit and then telling him I felt like running away because even though he is great and makes me happy I feel used because he can’t even acknowlede me as a girlfriend and I have been seeing him almost every weekend since June.
    The rest of the weekend went great and he thanked me for coming several times and told me I was the best and that I am a great woman but I can’t stop thinking or feeling like I really messed up.
    So when I got home today I have done nothing but eat! I do have a weight problem but since I have started seeing him I have been doing really good and am losing weight but now I feel like not only have I done something to sabotage this relationship I have also sabotaged my health. Why is this so hard for me?
    I ordered the cd’s tonight because I think I really do need more help on top of the ebook.

  88.  #88Tracey on September 27, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    great now after rereading this post i sound like an alcoholic! which i am not, but maybe if i drink i should avoid any discussion!

  89.  #89gina on September 27, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    Thank you very much for the feedback Rori. I don’t know how you do it, but I felt much better after reading your words.

    Before I read your feedback, i took a risk and I called him – I left a message saying that I just wanted to hear his voice and that I’d love to hear from him. Later he left a voice mail saying that he was on his way back from a music festival and that he heard good stuff that he’ll share with me and that he’d contact me later. I texted him back to say that it felt good to hear from him. We texted back and forth a little awkwardly.
    Still no plan to hang out and I feel weird and confused, but I feel much less concerned and wound up. I feel ready to apply what I learned from that triggering episode, with him and other men – thanks again, Rori.

  90.  #90alias girl on September 27, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    tracey i feel excited you ordered some cds.

    i feel confused with two tracys and two lindas on the island separated only by one letter.rrr.

  91.  #91Daria on September 27, 2009 at 10:29 pm


    I feel a lil bad … are you saying that you thought my energy felt unappreciative?

  92.  #92gina on September 27, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Another thing I realized is that I made a “decision” somewhere along the lines that I only want to fall in love once. That sounds nice and ideal. But when I was face to face with Johnny, and he made it clear that he wasn’t interested in rushing into sex, I felt a lot of pressure from this “decision” of mine. And it isn’t that I’m uncomfortable with the possibility of loving HIM – that idea feels pretty good. and maybe the possibility is finished now, but what I felt was that I COULD have fallen for him – like I was on the precipice and I kept holding myself back. If I’m going to let myself fall, I need him to be providing a sort of safety device. Which I’m pretty sure he has and was willing to hand over if I indicated that I was willing to go for it. If I’m on the precipice again, there needs to be a conversation about safety. i know there will be feeling messages involved, but that’s all I have so far.

  93.  #93gina on September 27, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    okay, I’m ready to try this loving myself stuff, even though it feels Awkward. I love my awkward feelings cause they signify that I’m trying something new, stretching myself and growing. I love that I’m scared about love cause it means that i value Love and know it’s power. I love that I am worthy of the power and value of giving and receiving love. I love that I haven’t had a true partnership with a man in my life so far because I value myself and my life enough to choose an ideal mate. I love myself for having sex men in the past because those experiences confirmed the value of True Love with a Life partner. I love my fear of failing as a (future) lover, wife and mother cause I know I won’t let myself fall into old destructive patterns, or model off of unhealthy patterns modeled by my parents without doing the work to grow and change. I love how I feel bad about the kinks in my relationship with my roommate cause I realize that I want to heal those gaps in communication. I love how I’m not satisfied at my lil’ day job, cause I know that my talent time and energy can be spent in more productive ways. I love how all things in my life are in the perfect place at the perfect time. I love the painful life lessons the most cause they are the ones that inspire the most growth. I love who I am cause I’ve been through so many things and down so many avenues and seen so much. Sometimes I worry that I’m a ‘wanderer’ or a “Jack of all Trades, Master of None,” but I love that I am determined to experience LIFE from many points of view. I love that I worry cause my worry keeps me from becoming complascent. I love that I am narrowing my focus and that I’m building something beautiful. I love that I don’t know where exactly it is headed – I love that day by day the endless possibilities are revealed to me.

  94.  #94gina on September 27, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    okay so that felt pretty good. ahead of time, I had anticipated that I would be “lying” to myself and that I wouldn’t buy it. But that isn’t it. I’m not lying, I am loving. I’m applying love to the pain and getting in touch with the good of whatever is troubling me. Thank you Rori!

  95.  #95Terrance Thames on September 28, 2009 at 12:49 am


    As a friend I didn’t get that feeling at all. I think you have a great energy and I loved being around you. But, If we were dating and you leaned back as much as you said you do and I got the vibe that it was a rule and not a tool as we did then yes I probably would have gotten that feeling of being unappreciated. That is if that was all that was present. I feel thats why you got the reaction you got in the car. At the risk of triggering you I had to be honest.

  96.  #96Daria on September 28, 2009 at 3:21 am

    Terrance – cool thanks for answering. I don’t feel bad about the reaction in the car… although I do feel confused what that was ( I felt pretty drunk lol and I don’t remember too clearly), do you mean when we disagreed and I felt sad?

    Anyways I felt really good around you and basically was leaning back the whole time so that’s my leaning back right there. And I felt really good with you, and I felt really really good to be taken care of that night I felt very safe and seen and special.

    I’m in hollywood at my friend’s house right now feeling cool and chilling… it would feel fun for sure to go out again while im here… and also i feel excited and good for you for wednesday and I feel super curious how all this will turn out for you

    so yeah basically i was leaning back the whole time… so that’s what it looks like for me

  97.  #97Mercedes on September 28, 2009 at 6:44 am

    I took the weekend off from the internet, but I have been reading via blackberry and I wanted to address a few posts from those who directed comments at me.

    Linda: My heart goes out to you. I spent many, many years looking for (or at least hoping for) what I have today. It was hard and I remember wondering why the whole world seemed happier and in better relationships and all that when I was hurting all the time. I can only promise you that as you work from the inside, things will only get better. Sometimes it seems like it never will, but it always does. I’ve been thinking about you all weekend and hoping you were enjoying it no matter what other circumstances are surrounding you right now.

    Terrance – Thank you so much for the support. I do consider you a friend (not to mention a teacher – I’ve learned a lot from you) and I appreciate you feeling like protecting me. It made me smile.

    “So i will go on record to say that I feel deeply honored to have her here posting and I feel her posts are very thought provoking and feminine.” This means so much to me. It’s how I want to be seen…thought provoking and feminine at the same time. It’s like someone just said “Yes…I see a lovely woman…and she’s smart too! How cool is that?!” LOL I appreciate you…and I feel the same…I’m honored to be here with you as well.

    Paula – What I was writing about did happen in the past and is over, so no concerns here. I brought it up only because I didn’t know how else to explain what I was trying to say (that happens to me but for the most part, those who “dont like my voice” usually don’t engage with me and I let it be that. On the internet, we “meet” lots of people, but very rarely do we ever really get to know them or understand them. I triggered people and they contacted me about it. That’s okay…it didn’t change much…I’m still here. 🙂

    I agree with you..we take what works best for us and we apply it. Sometimes, something is really helpful with “most guys”, but with our particular guy, it wouldn’t work at all. Usually, that’s when I disagree…when it happens to be something my J would find unattractive. I think for the most part, asking questions and disagreeing and getting triggered are very, very good things because they allow us all to look at another perspective, think about what feels good to us and then apply those parts that are right. All of these lessons are good…whether we personally use them or not isn’t really what matters most. What matters most is that there are tools out here…we have a lot to choose from and a lot we can learn…and by experimenting and doing what feels good, we can all improve ourselves and our relationships every day. I want so much to thank you for the support…it really means a lot to me.

    Much Love,

  98.  #98TW on September 28, 2009 at 8:09 am

    Hello ladies-
    I see some familiar names on here. Daria and Mercedes I have missed you both. My LI and I are up and down as usual. We go from good to bad. He is always wanting me to lead the emotional conversations and I am tired of it because it makes me feel as though whatever I say goes whether he wants it or not. I have not talked to him since Friday and I am not going to call him either. I am going to wait for him to call me. I am not sure that I even want to talk to him. I really just want to let it go to voicemail and then text him and say I feel as though I am working hard to keep someone that does not want to keep me. That is really how I feel. What do you all suggest?

  99.  #99Mercedes on September 28, 2009 at 8:18 am

    TW: I have missed you as well! Glad to see you here.

    I can’t really tell you what is “right” but for me, what feels good is what I do. For my own situation, it feels good when my guy calls me and I will always (if I am available) answer the call.

    It sounds to me though like you might not feel good answering that call. It might feel better to let it go to voicemail. If your true feelings are to let it go and if you feel better communicating via text than hearing his voice right now, that might be better.

    In my opinion…go with what you FEEL is best for you (YOU…not your relationship or him)…not what you think will work best to change his behavior.

    Does that make sense?

    Much Love,

  100.  #100Mercedes on September 28, 2009 at 8:20 am

    TW: One other thing…you are not alone. I almost always lead the emotional conversations with J. His feelings will come out and he will share with me, but generally not without a little encouragement from either me or a too much Captain Morgan. 🙂

    Much Love,

  101.  #101TW on September 28, 2009 at 8:31 am


    You are too funny. It is like he will ask me well how do you feel and then the conversation will go from there but I do not always want to be the one to say it you know. He knows that I ove him and he has said that he knows I will always be there and maybe that is the problem. He takes me for granted because he feels like I will not leave. What am I supposed to do about that? I want him to come to me and say what he wants sometimes. He says that he is not seeing other girls but will hang out with girls he knows if he sees them out which does not bother me that much but he vows that we are sexually exclusive. I am just tired of it being up and down all the time.

  102.  #102Mercedes on September 28, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    TW: All I can really say is “I know how you feel”…I really do. First…I hope you feel a little blessed about him asking how you feel…not many guys ask because they want to avoid the “feeling” conversation all together. When a man asks how you feel, that’s a good thing…an open invitation from him to discuss something he may not feel good about discussing.

    I’ve been there with the being taken for granted because he knows you’ll never leave thing. I had that with J really bad for a long time and it sucked. The best things for me were circular dating and leaning back. I was always open to the possibility that some other guy might be the one for me. I wanted so much for it to be J, but…more than that…I wanted to not be taken for granted. The new guy would have big shoes to fill (for my heart was really into J and it would have taken a man moving a mountain to pry it away) but…I was open to the possibility that it could happen. Leaning back almost always brought him to me…not always but almost always. My ex husband would never come to me and tell me what he wanted. I always made decisions and went to him with answers. It was hard.

    For me, if either of those two men had female friends they were hanging out with an just a promise of sexual exclusivity…if they were going out with women, but I wasn’t invited and I was expected to believe he’s exclusive when he doesn’t call and he’s just being friendly with these other women…I probably would have walked away. Don’t take me wrong, I’m not telling you what to do, I’m saying I have a pretty strong boundary when it comes to friends of the opposite sex and it’s what I personally would have done. Friends of the opposite sex (when I’m not involved in those friendships) creates, for me, an environment where I’m concerned, confused and scared. Those are not good feelings and I would rather be with a man who understood that than to be with a man who told me nothing was going on but knew I was worried and continued to do it.

    Does that make sense? Again, I’m saying to do what feels right and good in your heart.

    Much Love,

  103.  #103alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    i am wearing a very short skirt today because I FEEL good to do so. it is none of my business what other people think about me. other people can wear whatever they want. other people can have their own ideas about what looks good or doesn’t or all sorts of things like that. and i can have my own ideas. and today my idea feels like a short skirt.

  104.  #104Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Datria – This is heavily opinionated…don’t read if you don’t want to hear…you’re a rock star…and I so look forward to the day when you do away with crutches like alcohol and feel your way through triggering situations raw, instead. Right now…drinking isn’t “fun” — it’s getting in your way. Love, Rori

  105.  #105TW on September 28, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    I get what you are saying totally. I have male friends that I hand out with and it is what it is a friendship because I respect the fact that I am trying to make it work with someone although it is not going well. I have not talked to him since Friday but I have not picked up my phone to even bother calling or texting because I dont want to. I want him to wonder about me for a change. It is not a game but how I feel you know. I do not want to do this this way anymore. I want respect and love and he says that he gives it to me but I do not feel that way. I do any and everything that I can do for him from support him in his business to lending an ear when he needs to talk. I lost my job about a month ago and I told everyone but him in the beginning. I would have normally picked my phone up and called him right away. I waited two days before I told him. then I accepted another job last week and although I have talked to him since then I have not told him that I go to work or that I have another position or just shared anything about the job. I love him and I pray that things work out between us but he has to be all in too you know.

    Alias Girl
    Enjoy that skirt because I have one that I can not wait to put on this weekend because I have a date with a guy out of town. He is really nice. It will be nice for someone to show me some attention some of the time you know.

  106.  #106Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Oh my goodness, Gina – I LOVE being in love! I’m in love all the time…with my husband, with trees, my dog, my daughter….don’t let false ideas of “losing yourself” in passion and romance run your enjoyment of love…you have no idea how much “in love” you can have until you try it. Love, Rori

  107.  #107TW on September 28, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    That was sweet what you said to Gina. I want that “in love” feeling back that I once had with my LI but I do not even know how to go about it anymore. I am losing hope and trying my best not to give up but part of me is. I feel like he does not care anymore. He says that he does but he does not show me. Everything comes before me and I am expected to understand but I do not want to be understanding anymore. I have a date this weekend too by the way… Very handsome guy

  108.  #108Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Terrance thank you for hearing me. The difference here is what’s going on with you — the observer, and what has to go on inside us women…the experiencer…no one can know what another person’s experience of a sunset is. Not possible. We guess. We form it in our minds and hearts in language and experience that WE can “get” — but then it’s about US, not about them. There are differences between women and men. I know you may not agree with that…but you are totally trained from birth in different ways than we are…even if there’s less difference biologically — I believe that conditioning changes biology, and that hormones are huge and make a huge difference. Your experience of what’s going on with a woman may be completely off-base, just as our experience of where you’re at may lead us to a conclusion about complex things…when actually…you just need to pee.

    Bottom line…if a woman’s heart is open and vulnerable and happy while she’s leaning back…you’ll feel pulled in. Love, Rori

  109.  #109Rori Raye on September 28, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Yeah TW — you GO girl!!!Love, Rori

  110.  #110alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    tw i feel soooo good to hear you are circular dating.

    i find if i keep the focus on ME and what i am doing and feeling then i have the possibility to guide myself to what feels better. if i focus on someone else and keep prodding or waiting for them to change their behavior so i can feel better —well that just has never been that successful for me.


    and for me i am finding, i am actually enjoying the company of these men as well.

    and i don’t focus so much on my “misbehaving” ex on plunked down firmly on my horse.

    other men want to win me. and if one of them feels right then i will choose that man. otherwise it is FUNCITY for alias girl. tune in to the new tv series: FUN IN THE CITY STARRING ALIAS GIRL. as she juggles five really good men veying for her attention and affection.


  111.  #111alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    i feel inspired to hug all the sirens on siren island!!!!!!!!!

  112.  #112TW on September 28, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Rori- thanks for the encouragement. I’m trying not to focus so much on my li and focus more on myself. I can not give my energy to someone that’s not giving it to me. He will be back… He always comes back but I want him to be better and be scared of losing me to a great man…. Alias girl… Can I be a co star?

  113.  #113alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 2:06 pm


    then create a situation where it is real that he may lose you to a good good great man. and guess what… he just might!!!!!

    and YES!!!! you can be co-star and all the sirens can have roles too!

    and there will be a spinoff show called SIRENS ON THE ISLAND!!!!

  114.  #114Daria on September 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Rori –

    I feel smiled. Thanks for caring! hehe. I actually drink very infrequently now. I also don’t smoke. So i’m with you on the crutch thing… I am looking forward to feeling as good as when I do feel drunk or have smoked. And what’s cool is i’m getting there.

    This one time I did drink (a little bit out of character nowadays… actually an experiment) and I didn’t much like how I felt afterward. But like the massage guy said the next morning… you made a decision that led to an experience that led to a realization and life is good. Or something like that.

  115.  #115TW on September 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Ladies- I’m afraid I’m giving up… I haven’t talked to him in days and although I want him to call I don’t want to talk to him. Just the fact that he’s thinking about me I guess. I don’t feel as though he loves me anymore. I feel scared and hurt.

  116.  #116Lisa on September 28, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Thank you for the welcome, and the good words, Rori.

    Having this level of support and belief brings tears to my eyes.

  117.  #117alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    yae daria. I feel very free and good to hear that! 🙂 ummm. i feel good health and smiling. umm. i feel empowerment.

  118.  #118laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    Wow! I feel so inspired and thankful that I found this forum. I feel so in awe of all of you. It feels so wonderful to share and learn from women who are on a similar path. I feel hopeful that I will not only find myself through this process but also a wonderful long-term love.

    I am at J’s right now. He asked me to come over to work on a project. I’m excited to practice my new skills. I don’t feel the desire to make anything happen. I just want to practice feeling good. I normally get triggered by him so this is like working out with weights! I feel strong.

  119.  #119laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    ok. So I’m here, leaning back. I feel afraid it looks like emotional withdrawal. Ladies, I need help. Any suggestions? I know there are all kinds of tools for this but I am forgetting everything.

  120.  #120TW on September 28, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Laughing Goddess… You just simply need to be you and riff your feelings. Ask to be exceused and go to the restroom and feel your feelings and then come back refreshed. Trust me t helps. Go in there and tell yourself that you are a Goddess and that you are worth your weight in gold and that you are confident and sexy and GO GET HIM GIRL!!! You will feel way more relaxed.

    I am glad that you are no longer dealing with your demons. You are as strong woman and I respect you for acknowleding your problem and dealing with it. There are so many times that people do not realize that they have an excessive habit and it continues to grow but your health means a lot to me.

    I feel so scared and triggered. My best friend told me not to give up on J because she knows that he will do better once I really express my feelings. The sad part about that is that I don’t even know how. I want to say so many things but when he does decide to come around I am so upset that I can barely talk. I feel intimidated by him.

  121.  #121Terrance Thames on September 28, 2009 at 4:52 pm


    Of course I always will hear and listen to you. I am however a little confused as to which comment you are replying to. So if I write out of context (Ill be general for sake of responding), please feel free to steer me in the right direction if I am off base.

    “Your experience of what’s going on with a woman may be completely off-base, just as our experience of where you’re at may lead us to a conclusion about complex things…when actually…you just need to pee

    Yes I agree and trust that to be the case which is why I always have the disclaimer that I am not afraid to be wrong at all. With my career, with women, with coaching, or life. Hell, I’m probably wrong way more than I am right, but I will always strive to be as decisive as I can without fear and trust my intuition as to what I feel is the right thing to do in all aspects of life in every moment that I am conscious of. Not just with women. As my fear of being wrong subsides my intuition grows and does my ability to connect, teach, and really live. Right now I feel I owe my quality of life and my sense abundance to my intuition.

    “There are differences between women and men. I know you may not agree with that…but you are totally trained from birth in different ways than we are…even if there’s less difference biologically — I believe that conditioning changes biology, and that hormones are huge and make a huge difference”

    Actually Quite the contrary I do believe this 100% I’m curious, did I make you feel that I believed otherwise?

    Rori I have to say that I really appreciate the way you are challenging me. Keep it up!

  122.  #122alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    jaclyn smith still looks like she’s twenty years old. she is a timeless angel.

  123.  #123gina on September 28, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    I can easily love sunlight, plants, animals and babies, but not really adult humans. I know that doesn’t sound so good. I can sort of get in a loving mode though. So maybe what you’re suggesting is that if I live “in Love,” a man is just a part of my Love filled life. I’m not dependent on being claimed by the “perfect” man who will somehow transport me to a different realm than I’ve been willing to take myself. I guess that means I’M responsible for being in love – aha! okay, so I’ve been slacking on that job. I can do it. I feel my heart opening up and I’m noticing that I’m having more genuine connections with everyone.

  124.  #124gina on September 28, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    But actually what I meant about being in love was that I always told myself that I wanted to have one significant relationship with a man. and i associate loving feelings with that commitment, and I have withheld feelings from men because I was determining in my head whether they were “the one.” but mostly I’m realizing that I was just avoiding those feelings. I am very aware that this is related to my parents. my dad was needy and my mom was a cold fish. I felt rejected by her a lot and needed by my dad. and the feelings regarding love for people turned icky for me. Is that something to share with a man so he knows where I’m coming from when I get triggered? that doesn’t sound real attractive to me, but it’s definitely a part of who I am – not that I have to hold on to it, but it is where I’m coming from.

  125.  #125gina on September 28, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    I am still feeling bad about Johnny. not second-guessing what I did, but I still feel confused about what my options are right now. Do I lean back? Cause I’ll be driving past his house on the way home from a job I’m doing on Thursday, and I feel compelled to try to see him and say something like this speech…

    Johnny, I don’t know what it’s worth to you at this point, but i sense that some things have definitely changed between us since I saw you last, and I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to at least let you know how much I’ve missed you. And I feel awful for shutting you out when you were at my place. I felt scared and uncomfortable, and I acted it out rather than express those feelings to you – I feel awful that I made you to want to stay away. And you may have reasons for staying away that I don’t know about, but I just want you to know that I miss you and that it wasn’t that I don’t care, I felt scared and I learned that I would much rather deal with the discomfort of feeling scared than the regret of hurting you and losing you. not that I “had” you. but you know what I mean. What do you think?”

    I have no idea if I’m way off base, but leaning back feels weird when i regret rejecting him.

  126.  #126Tracey on September 28, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Ok, so I have been really thinking about all of this HARD! for the last few days. After work today I did what I think I’m not supposed to and gave him a call. I told him that I would really like to do something with him but since it was raining and a Monday to boot…anyway, I suggested picking up a movie and going out. He was quite agreeable. Although I took over in the calling and the planning, the whole time we were watching the movie I was leaning back. I would hug myself mentally and suddenly he was sitting practically on top of me caressing my arms and legs while we watched the movie, which is so different from when I first started seeing him (before finding this) when he would sit in the lazy boy and I would sit on the couch. Tonight he sat on the couch with me maintaining close contact. Whenever I felt like he (or I) was drifting I would give myself a mental boost (a shot of love from me to me!) and he would reach for me in a different way or give me a squeeze. This is working! Yah. I am totally “getting” how I can look after the emotions and that I must show him that his are safe with me; which means controlling all those pesky insecurities as well as showing him that I can have/experience emotions but that I know what to do with them, that I am not afraid. He on his part is the perfect example of a man who just wants to look after me. This I have a hard time with. I am just so not used to this. Even if I make a subtle move, he is asking if I’m alright, do I need anything. I let him get my smokes which I forgot in the kitchen and then when I started to get up to get some water he said he would get it but I jumped up to get it myself. Right now I guess it’s one for one with me. When he walked me to my car at the end of the night he said thank you for calling, i’m really glad you were able to come out tonight.
    I said you welcome and he said again I’m really glad you came.
    Now the confusing part.
    Circular dating.
    How can circular dating not have a profound affect (opposite to what you want) on the relationship with the guy who you really want?
    I’m thinking about the energy that you take from that relationship and put into other men. (Not activities, hobbies, etc. I get that).
    I’m just thinking that the power of positive thinking isn’t so powerful when you are watering what you really want down with a bunch of maybes.

  127.  #127alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    hmmm gina. well there seems to be a leaning forward since he’s leaned back.

    from my understanding rori suggests we try and have it the other way around.

    do you feel leaned back? does stopping by his house and giving him a speech when he hasn’t contacted you though he said he would…does that Feel leaned back? or rockstar? i mean maybe it does. only you can know how you feel. i feel curious though how those things feel.

  128.  #128alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    i feel curious though. is it genetics? or a lot of
    vitamin c? how does jaclyn smith look so young?

  129.  #129laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    I feel excited about this new man I met who asked me out tonight. It feels good to talk with him. I feel awesome that he treats me with respect.

    I also feel nervous because although I have be putting myself out there and being open to dating men, I haven’t followed through and actually gone out with anyone yet. I’ve have offers. The pattern goes like this, I will meet a man, we will hit it off, he’ll start calling, i check them out a bit on the phone, and then I dont seem to want to create any time to spend with them, and eventually they just fade away.

    I feel hopeful that I can find the courage to go out at least once with this new one and maybe even call two of the ones I blew of back. I feel very frightened to expose myself. I feel vulnerable circular dating. I feel scared that I am opening myself up to lots of potential rejection. Oooooo I feel certain that I just stumbled onto an important false belief about myself and dating. Major fear of rejection. Fear of rejecting myself.

  130.  #130laughing goddess on September 28, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Ha ha! I feel laughing about your comment alias girl! And also curious. What is it? She looks amazing.

  131.  #131gina on September 28, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    he is totally leaned back. what happened with the communication was that I contacted him, he called me back saying he’d “holler at me later” and I texted back that it was good to hear from him, and then we made small talk via text. Which feels like BS since things have OBVIOUSLY changed between us. I expressed how I felt in the moment in the small talk, but i didn’t talk about anything bigger cause it didn’t feel right via text. but it felt like i initiated a conversation about nothing when obviously there is more going on. and i don’t even feel that good talking about it over the phone – i’d like to see him in person. I think I could feel fine if he didn’t respond with open arms – at least I would know that I let him know how i REALLY feel about him, rather than this “eh, I don’t care about you, in fact, I’d feel way more comfortable without you” BS that I gave him. Ugh. Now I’m realizing that I missed another opportunity to let him know – when he texted me small talk, I totally could have let him know that I miss him. What keeps holding me back!!!? grrrr…

  132.  #132alias girl on September 28, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    oh. hmm. gina, how do you Feel?

    do you feel leaned back? does stopping by his house and giving him a speech when he hasn’t contacted you though he said he would…does that Feel leaned back? or rockstar? i mean maybe it does. only you can know how you feel. i feel curious though how those things feel.

    you said Think you could feel “fine”?

    i feel resonance laughing goddess. it’s taken me awhile to really start giving men even a slight chance. i like dating myself a lot though. that has been super duper and apparently has raised my attraction level. baby steps. i feel good you are meeting men and speakng with them on the phone. is all great practice for me to use feeling messages.

    i love circular dating.

  133.  #133gina on September 29, 2009 at 12:16 am

    thanks for encouraging me to consider it AG. I dunno. I would feel rockstar to deliver this speech, but I don’t think i can feel rock star if I contact him and invite myself over. I don’t know. I believe I emasculated him, and now I wonder if it would feel better to come to him and express my feelings, OR do I wait till (if) he comes to me all manly and ready to see what’s up with me. Definitely wait I think. I keep thinking about the texts yesterday:

    me: it felt good to hear from you.

    him: 🙁
    (I was thinking “sad face. awww…what’s he saying??)

    him: I’ve decided that the ( is way to close to the ) sign 🙂
    But then i am driving.
    (it takes me a minute, but i finally understand that he meant to send me a smiley face)

    me: Oh. lol. I was feeling concerned for minute

    him: The music festival was a good time. great music, good group…

    (now I see that I could have let him know that I was missing him here. I guess. I don’t know, it just felt unnatural to talk about Nothing and it felt like too much to talk about Something.)

    me: I’ve been busy with True Beauty stuff. I had the Girl Scouts Rally yesterday – it went really well.

    him: That’s Great!! Kudos to you! What you’re doing is so positive…

    me: Thank you. It felt good to get back into it.

    (I didn’t hear from him for a while and began to feel like I missed an opportunity for a deeper discussion. but that feels like overfunctioning. blech)

    me: Glad you had some fun after all that working you were doing. How’d the project go over?

    (at this point I realized that I had officially entered overfunctioning territory. now that I’m writing it out, I’m realizing that I didn’t miss an “opportunity.” He’s not interested in pursuing me right now. I contributed in whatever way that I did cause I had my own life lessons to learn, which were specially designed and given to me courtesy of the universe, which will continue to deliver what I need to fulfill my purpose, so i embrace these learning experiences with love, cause even if it DOES work with him, the purpose won’t be for the sake of the “union” – the union will be for the sake of more learning and growing. so it’s all about learning and growing anyway, so I won’t judge my learning process.

  134.  #134alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 12:34 am

    gina i feel superfabulous with your goddess
    self-discovery and path of self-love.

    he sounded sweet via text. maybe the universe is giving you all this time for you to be supertriggered. i can hear you working stuff out about your fears of moving closer and being intimate with a man and so it all seems really good from my vantage point. you Can have the relationship of your dreams. i see it for you. i see it for all the sirens. i see it for myself.

    i KNOW this for myself and i feel tickled about it. 🙂

    i feel you are doing wonderful. i feel supportive. i feel good in my own life about leaning back and circular dating.

    i feel honored you shared your process.

  135.  #135gina on September 29, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Thank you very much for the feedback Alias Girl. I also noticed that you remembered that he said he would contact me – that felt really good. it feels great to be heard, and I appreciate that you are helping me grow. You’re right we can all have it good. I wish the best for all you sirens!

  136.  #136alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 1:04 am

    🙂 i feel moved. thank you too gina. i feel accepted.

  137.  #137Cassandra on September 29, 2009 at 6:23 am

    Rori…..again your post hit the nail on the head. I feel hopeful reading this post and can’t wait to read the others that followed. I feel a need to read success stories today. I am trying so hard to lean back and not give…not call….not anything. It feels really hard to do sometimes. I feel ‘off’ in a way…what I mean by that is this….I feel a deep longing for things to work out with Charles and I even though he has done & said some terrible things to me and they have hurt me deeply….I still have this deep hope and longing feeling that once I move…he will realize what he had and that we will get back together. The part about that that bothers me is how abusive he has been to me at times during our relationship. There are also times however where he is so loving and caring and tender with me….THAT part of him has been manifesting itself more and more lately and I feel sad that I am leaving now. I feel so deeply sad about that. I KNOW i my head that it is the RIGHT thing to do adn I actaully signed my lease yesterday and then of course got in the car and cried for half an hour! LOL I feel so afraid of this move. I feel so scared that I won’t hear from him once aI am gone and that it truly will be over for real and I feel deeply afraid that I won’t lose interest if he doesn’t step up. I go thru times when his behavior is so so horribly cruel where I can NOT call and NOT worry about it and NOT think about it but then when he gets back home and acts as though nothing ever happened I feel myself fall back into the ‘whew! everything’s ok again’ place. I feel that that in itself says that there is something innately wrong with me. Things this past week and a half or so have been better overall and I ahve really tried to stay true to me and feel what I am feeling…acknowledge it and do something that makes ME feel good and he has been more attentive at times and even loving I must say. The other night we were in bed getting ready to go to sleep and he said something that was hurtful – I can’t even remember what it was – I felt really hurt and had tears in my eyes and when he saw that he stopped himself….apologized and admitted that he should not have said that…he drew me close to him and then help me until we fell asleep. He has not done that in over a year at least that I can remember. Rori…I feel as though I am losing my mind sometimes with all of this. Yes….he has been abusive with me and yes…he has been horribly cruel at time but there are other times where he has been quite loving and attentive and things have been good. Am I NUTS to even think that perhaps we could work things out? I am I totally missing the boat here or is there REALLY hope even for us?? I don’t know if I hsould be moving with my head in this place where we are totally over and I have to face the music or if I shoild be moving with the hope of us getting back together and being happy and healthy? I really am at a loss with this and as my move gets closer it is getting hard and harder for me to handle. Please help.

    With love….

    ps…I have tried circular dating but find that I am not at all feeling it and don’t want to even talk to anyone else. Oh…one more thing…I tried to tell him last night that I signed my lease yesterday but when I asked him if I could tell him something real quick he said ‘not tonight Sweetheart…please not tonight…I don’t want to talk about anything at all tonight, ok?’ so I didn’t say anything. He knows I am moving but does not know that it is Thursday and he just left this morning for a work-load/ trip. I feel so sad and broken and down…is there even a chance for us or should I be focused on moving forward with my life without him? His brother was under the impression that we were still together and once I move would still be together and even mentioned something about all of us at Christmas. I don’t know what to think. Please help Rori…..thanks.

  138.  #138Cassandra on September 29, 2009 at 6:34 am

    Gina….I felt a bit afraid for you reading your post….It felt awful to me to know that this man puts you down in any way shape or form and makes fun of what you are passionate about. I feel scared about that and it triggers me in a big way. Charles does that to me often..I ahve learned to just not even pay it any attention but alot of times it just plain hurts and I feel that you deserve so much better than that. Charles is toning it down alot though and when he does do it…apologizing. I feel that I don’t want you to go thru that at all.

    Tracy…I can sooooooo relate to your post. I am with you Siren!! I too am having a really hard time letting go…I feel that I don’t trust my own power yet and that feels sad to me and I feel afraid that if I lean back that he won’t lean forward and I feel afraid to really let go so totally know how you feel. I am really trying though but it feels so hard and really really scary for me. Each time I go to call …I try to STOP myself dead in my tracks and tell myself that THAT will push him further away and remind myself that HE needs to be calling ME.

    Sending you love and hugs….

  139.  #139TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:39 am


    My friend I have missed you terribly. I see how you have been adn I am excited about your move. You may not see it this way but that is a big step for you. It will give you time to find yourself and get to know the real you. As you can see I am still having issues with my LI but it will be okay. I have a date this weekend.

  140.  #140gina on September 29, 2009 at 8:00 am

    I’m not sure what you’re referring to…who put me down?

  141.  #141Tracey on September 29, 2009 at 8:02 am

    So Cass are you saying that I shouldn’t have called? This is what confuses me because he was so happy to have me over and thanked me so many times for coming out… I don’t know how it can be wrong when the end result was so good…

  142.  #142Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 8:30 am

    TW: “I feel so scared and triggered. My best friend told me not to give up on J because she knows that he will do better once I really express my feelings. The sad part about that is that I don’t even know how. I want to say so many things but when he does decide to come around I am so upset that I can barely talk. I feel intimidated by him.”

    This is hard and my heart goes out to you. Feeling intimidated by a man is a very difficult thing to go through…I’ve been there. For me, I was intimidated because I wasn’t confident and I had not set my boundaries in solid concrete. They were more like “guidelines” and he walked all over them. It sounds like maybe you are not comfortable with your own feelings…if you can get there, you will be able to say “I am feeling very upset right now…so upset I’m having trouble saying all the things I need to say.” and you will be able to say it with security in your heart that whatever your feelings are, you own them, they are real, they are yours and they are not up for debate.

    When we push down our feelings or refuse to talk about them for fear of losing or upsetting someone…we are not being true to ourselves.

    As far as “not giving up on him”…I see no reason why you should, but I also see no reason why you shouldn’t be out there looking for a man who makes you feel safe (not intimidated) when you have feelings to share. Maybe he will “come around”…maybe he won’t. The key is for you to find a man who wants to share your life with you…all your feelings (the good and the bad) and who wants more than anything for you to feel like he is a safe place for you to do just that. Maybe it is your current LI…maybe it is someone else…no matter who it is, he will be right for you and you will never have to hope he changes into the one who is there for you in all ways.

    I hope some of this helps…my heart is with you…

    Much Love,

  143.  #143Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Cassandra: If you can get to a place where you love your new home and you are making it yours and you are living life in a crazy fun way…well…this move will be the absolute BEST thing you’ve ever done for yourself!! I’m so happy for you, because if you look internally, you will see what a HUGE step this is. You’ve felt “stuck” for so long…and now, you are independent! Can you see what you’ve done here? You’ve stepped out of the comfort zone of your old life and into a very scary, yet wonderful new one. I hope…after you feel the sadness and fear…you will enjoy every second of this new step.

    Much Love,

  144.  #144Erika on September 29, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Rori, here’s what I wrote about thoughts and feelings:

    I feel curious whether this resonates with you.

  145.  #145TW on September 29, 2009 at 9:20 am

    If my phone were to ring right now and it was him I would not even pick it up. I have no clue what to say and what not to say you know. I feel stuck… I feel confused… I feel pissed off… I am triggered to say FU… I feel like it is the equivelant of him having a root canal for him to pick the phone up and say how are you doing… Or I am very busy I jsut wanted to say hi… I accepted a job last week and he still does not know. I start Thursday… I feel disconnected from him… If he were to call then what would I say.. .How would I act…

    Put your talents to work my love and decorate the hell out of that apartment and make it your own. Once you feel as though it is your own space then you will feel free and once you feel free then Charles is gonna feel like a dumbass for letting you go…. YOU GO GIRL… Decorate your ASS off…. You have it in you.. I know you do… Trust me… You will be just fine…

  146.  #146Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 9:39 am

    TW: I need to put a little disclaimer on here because what I would say (based on what you’re saying about how you feel..and if it were ME feeling that way) probably doesn’t use Rori’s tools very effectively. It would be me though and it would feel authentic.

    It would go something like this:

    “I feel stuck… I feel confused… I feel pissed off… I am triggered to say FU… I feel like it is the equivelant of you having a root canal for you to pick the phone up and say how are you doing… Or I am very busy I jsut wanted to say hi… I accepted a job last week and you did not even know. I start Thursday… I feel disconnected from you and I don’t think I would if you were able to take one minute out of your life and just give me a call…”

    Too many “you”s and not exactly very feminine…but I’m pretty sure that’s how I’d go about unleashing. I think that’s why I’m here…to see if a better way is presented and to see if that better way could ever feel comfortable for me.

    One thing that absolutely saved my relationship with J was that I tapped into my anger. I found it and I unleashed it. It wasn’t pretty, but for the first time in our relationship J saw that I would not be in his life “no matter what” and he was never going to be allowed to take advantage of me ever again…he saw that I was pissed and not taking it anymore. Now…he says he never wants to see that side of me again but even more than that…he never wants to be the cause of it.

    I don’t necessarily recommend you handle things the way I did, but I do recommend you find that anger and really get to know it. And I do recommend you find the strength, somehow, to communicate that anger to him.

    Much Love,

  147.  #147TW on September 29, 2009 at 10:15 am

    I totally understand what you are saying. I am just afraid that when he does call if he ever does I am going to be so upset that it turns into a screaming match. Maybe that is what he needs in order to know that I am for real this time. I am normally so passive and understanding all of the time but I am sick of that because it seems to give him the green light to not give a damn you know.

  148.  #148Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 11:12 am

    TW: I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I was giving J (and my ex) a lot of green lights too…and I hated that I was doing it but felt paralyzed to stop it. I know how you feel. I don’t know what the answer is.

    I don’t like screaming matches and I’m not sure if they ever help…but that’s just me. I know when I got so angry, there was no “match”…there was me…being very firm and letting my anger go…didn’t really yell and scream just was strong enough and firm enough I think he saw fire in my eyes and smoke coming out of my ears. I didn’t really let him speak. I kept talking and when he would try to talk, I would cut him off. I told him everything I was feeling and exactly what I felt and thought of him at the time and then I stormed out of the house. He tried to help me with my bag (I had packed one to spend the weekend with him) and I snapped. He backed away like 5 feet in one step and said “It’s not supposed to be this way” and I let him have it again telling him EXACTLY why it absolutely WAS supposed to be this way. And I left. Didn’t talk to him again for weeks. Ignored his calls and texts. Felt my anger as long as I needed to feel it. Not saying the approach was right or even appropriate…but it was what I needed. I’ve yet to hide my feelings from him again. I don’t need one of those explosions any more than he does. LOL There was nothing graceful or feminine or attractive about it at all…yet it WAS authentic for that moment.

    I hope you find what works for you…what feels right..and what helps you heal. I hope that very much for you.

    Much Love,

  149.  #149Rori Raye on September 29, 2009 at 11:58 am

    TW, I second Mercedes. Love, Rori

  150.  #150TW on September 29, 2009 at 11:59 am


    I want to yell and scream and release everything that is inside of me. Your experience is exactly what I envisioned. A rage… That may be the only way that I truly get everything out in the open. I do not want him to talk. I want him to be scared and know that I am for real and that if he does not step up then I am gone forever. he is 6 years older than me and you would think that he is the same age as my sons. I am tired of him… I am fed up… I want to scream.. What I really want to do is punch him in the chest but I am not going to do that. I am so enraged right now. He has not bothered to contact me since Friday… That ASSHOLE… He makes my blood boil… I feel upset and confused… I feel pissed off… I feel taken for granted… I feel like I am about to jump out of my skin and turn into a ninja and kick some ass….. I am so enraged right now.

  151.  #151TW on September 29, 2009 at 12:01 pm


    Thanks for the insight… Mercedes experience is unleashing the anger inside me. I am shaking as I post this… I am breathing heavily as if an anxiety attack is about to come…. I embrace all of this emotion… I do not want to cry because he does not deserve my tears. Right now he does not even deserve me… I feel pissed off and I love that I am finally able to feel this way…

  152.  #152Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    TW: You sound EXACTLY how I felt when my anger was finally embraced and let loose. I really, really hesitate to advise anyone to do it the way I did it, but you are FEELING that anger and I think that is SOOOOO amazing! So many times, as women, we hide our anger under disappointment or sadness or even feined happiness. YOU, my dear, are feeling what it feels like to REALLY know what’s going on…you’re angry, you’re pissed and you’re NOT going to take it anymore. It is EXACTLY from the place you are in right at this very moment that I created my boundaries. Right then and there with the shaking and not wanting to cry (GOD…I was right there…I didn’t cry because of exactly what you just said…he didn’t deserve my tears) and through all the rage I was feeling…I created those boundaries and I have, since that day, stood strong behind what I want and what I need from a man. Right where you are at this very moment. That’s when my entire life changed. I’m feeling everything again..right now…in a good way…in a way that is connecting me to you on a level I don’t even fully understand myself.

    Much Love,

    (Oh…and you’re right…don’t punch him…)

  153.  #153TW on September 29, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Mercedes what really hurts the most is that he doesn’t even care enough about me to pick up the phone and say hello… I’m not calling or texting him either because I don’t have to. I’m hurting and he doesn’t even care. He says he’s not with other girls but I’m not sure I even believe that either… What else could it be… I want to trust him but I trusted him with my heart and he stepped on it.

  154.  #154Mercedes on September 29, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    I know TW…I know very much. What hurt me the most was J was cheating on me. It doesn’t really matter what it is that caused it, what matters is that there is a problem and you are hurting. When we realize a man doesn’t care…and that was J…he was hurting me and didn’t care (until I got pissed and walked out)…well, that’s a hard thing to take. I said the exact words you just typed to J “I trused you with my heart and you stepped on it”. I said it just like that. And when he said “I always told you I wasn’t good enough for you”…I said “I know. And I should have believed you instead of believing IN you.” I said a lot that day. I felt a lot that day.

    I have to go for the night (possibly will be on later, but probably not…have a doctor’s appt and then plans this evening) but I will be thinking of you. Continue to feel all of this…the anger, the pain, the grief, the determination…all of it..whatever you are feeling…sink into and process it all. As I said, I’ll be thinking of you.

    Much Love,

  155.  #155Tracey on September 29, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    I’m having a hard time with this phone call stuff. The more we talk about it here the more confused I get.
    Why do we as women put so much into it and why do men seem to think it’s so insignificant?
    In one way, I want to agree with you TW, he must not care if he can’t even pick up the phone and call. How could he be so insensitive!?
    On the other hand, from my experiences (one which I posted earlier about the outcome being positive, even though I was the one who called) I’m not sure men see it as offensive as we do.
    I was in a 12 year committed relationship. My “husband” was a long-haul truck driver. He NEVER called. Even though he knew I was worried, even when I asked him to try and call by Wed or Thur so I could finalize our plans for the weekend and have an idea of whether or not I would see him on Friday night (early? late? dinner time? make you dinner? don’t?) or Saturday morning (worry all night that you are not home?) he still had a hard time calling. In one conversation that we had about it he actually said he was so concentrated on getting home to me that taking the time to stop took him away from what he was trying so hard to do…get home fast! He did understand where I was coming from and didn’t want to intentionally hurt me or cause me to be upset but no matter how many times he said he would call they were still sporadic and a lot of times i think he felt like he was “checking in”. Which of course he didn’t like feeling like that. I knew he loved me though and still does, it was just one of those “things” in our relationship.
    With my new man he is the same, we have talked about it (the lack of calls) and how it bothers me and he says I know, I know, you’re a girl and you deserve better and you just want some respect, I’ll call. And then he goes for days without calling. But I know he is thinking of me, and can’t wait to see me….it’s just not on the top of his list to call and “check in”.
    I think men are more goal/purpose oriented and when they get on the phone it’s to firm up a plan, arrange a date, etc. NOT to just say hi…I was thinking of you. I think they think we are supposed to just know that they are thinking of us.
    I think to rage on them over not calling is only going to back them into a corner. Or maybe it’s me allowing my boundaries to be blurred, stepped on…etc.
    What do you think?

  156.  #156tinque on September 29, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Tracey – Though all men are different and work in different ways.
    Some men call two or three times a day even when they are going to see you later. Some call once a week to “firm up plans” as you say.
    But still, how shall I say this, there is a level of awareness, connectedness any man who is really and truly loving and in love would want to maintain to keep feeling this.
    My man was not and still isn’t big on calling. The more connected we became though the more he called. We’ve lived together for many years now. He rarely calls from work. I wouldn’t expect him too. Yet when things are different eg. I had my bad car accident, he called to check up on me, or when I first arrived here in CT (he came one month before me since I had to pack up and drive out) he called to check up on me during the day the first couple of days.
    If he ever goes out of town, he ALWAYS calls to say goodnight and not because he thinks I want him to but because he wants to feel me and feel connected to me.
    I’m astounded that your ex didn’t call you. He tossed you crumbs as did my ex (though this ex was big on the calling bit just not anything else).
    As for the current one, I’m not clear if he’s being the same as the ex or just not being into calling as my man is. As long as he’s excited to hear your voice when he does call, happy to see you when you get together, as long as everything else is good, I wouldn’t worry.
    It took me awhile to adjust to this style, and the more I did, the more he called.
    How about this. Expect nothing and thus always be surprised, pleasantly.

  157.  #157TW on September 29, 2009 at 3:22 pm


    I understand totally about the no calling thing but is there ever a time when you should call. Take me for instance… I have taken a vow not to call my LI and let him contact me for a change. Anyway, he has not called since Friday but I am holding strong and sticking to my guns. On the other hand, I am so upset and have so many things on my mind I was wondering should I call him and ask him can we talk or just wait it out still?

  158.  #158TW on September 29, 2009 at 3:26 pm


    Thank you so much for thinking about me.. I can remember when I came to this site a year ago and was whining and crying and you all were there with me.. Nothing has changed much between me and my LI but what I can say is that he is still around. I know in my heart what I have to do but I need to get my thoughts together in my mind. It will all be okay one way or another. There is this guy that has his eye on me and I will be out of town this weekend for class in the town that he lives in so we will get to spend two days together. he is really cute and fun. We have been talking on the phone for two years but only met each other a month ago. I like the attention but would rather have it from my Li but it will not stop me from getting it from other people you know. I am all in a tizzy and nervous about seeing him again you know…

  159.  #159TW on September 29, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Alias Girl-

    I was looking online for some new fashions and came across this cute plaid dress….. I am getting our wardrobe for out new show… “Hot Girls in the City”…

  160.  #160tinque on September 29, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    TW – Just a little bit of information that is HUGELY important. Men HATE talk about feelings and/or what’s bothering us which is why we have to be “clever” and find ways to word things so they don’t shut down. On the phone though, NO WAY.
    If when you next see him you still want to “talk” then you must prepare a speech, short and concise that tells him how you FEEL, not what’s bothering you about him. Rori has written articles on these speeches. I was once the queen of speeches since I just couldn’t speak spontaneously without falling apart. I don’t recommend reading them from a sheet of paper but memorizing them.
    This is where short is invaluable, but the real reason you want a short speech is that you will lose his attention before you’ve even gotten to the real stuff.

  161.  #161TW on September 29, 2009 at 3:56 pm


    You are so right. I wrote on and it was like three pages long and I was overwhelmed so I know he would have been. Anyway, woudl you help me write one if I tell you what is on my mind.

  162.  #162tinque on September 29, 2009 at 4:01 pm


  163.  #163TW on September 29, 2009 at 4:07 pm


    These are all the things that I am feeling right now… I am just going to make a list
    I feel hurt
    I feel confused
    I feel sad and irritated
    I feel as though I hear the words I love you but I do not feel them because I am not shown
    I feel taken for granted
    I feel as though I am ready to move on with live and for us to move in together to really give our relationshp a try
    I heard you say that you wanted to work on the relationship side of things but I feel as though you conduct yourself as a single man because you are not sharing your life with me
    I feel disgusted sometimes at the though of you not calling and stuff
    I feel stuck in the same rut we have been in off and on for a long time
    i feel lonely
    I want attention and respect
    I want my man back
    I feel betrayed
    I feel pissed off

    These are random and not in order at all but I am a writer and I love it but I am not a short story type of girl.. More like a novelist and that is why I am having problems with this

  164.  #164tinque on September 29, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Very simple as long as you can contain yourself and NOT expect anything back, not a reply and certainly not a resolution.

    I feel confused. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel lonely. I miss you. I really, really miss you.

    Pause. And then leave the room. This will plant a seed or it won’t.
    If he won’t step up, you have to be prepared to move on.

    In the case when you were left to your own devices so to speak, you could have said, “this doesn’t feel good. I feel ignored.” And then you could have left. Another seed planted.

  165.  #165TW on September 29, 2009 at 4:19 pm


    I totally get what you are saying. I know I need to say all of these things to him so that he will feel what I am saying instead of just hear them.

  166.  #166Tracey on September 29, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Tinque: your post made me feel bad about myself. Like maybe I have it all wrong and if the guy was into me he would call. I feel like I am making excuses for them. I feel confused and scared. It was really making me nervous like maybe if I don’t call him I won’t hear from him again.
    BUT just now he called!
    He said he wanted to say hi and good night. I thanked him for being such a good boyfriend now and that it made me feel good to hear his voice. And he said everythings ok and then we talked for a bit and said good night.
    What you said about connectedness…it’s resonating. Now I feel scared again. How do I keep it up? Sometimes I just want to run, to protect myself from being hurt because maybe I can’t keep him interested. Sheesh!

  167.  #167alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    whatever it takes. maybe a woman would want to try and be the masculine energy. rori talks about that in her book and programs.

    call him. pursue him to the ends of the earth. buy stuff for him do stuff for him. call him some more. make plans for the future and Lead him. show him.

    that’s what i would do if i felt like it. then i could truly evaluate if i wanted to be the man energy or not. in fact, maybe i will experiment with that to see how it goes. only just considering it i suddenly felt Tired and ick.

    but some women may be better suited and find happiness and bliss in being the masculine energy. and i fully support that. i just don’t feel convinced i could have it Both ways. otherwise the other person is completely out of a job and unneccessary.

    so i feel good to become really clear on which energy i want to Predominantly be in relationship to my man. for me it feels like predominantly feminine is best feeling. though i do like my fair share of boy energy but not so much in relationship to my man.

    but if a woman wants to be boy energy then i feel good to encourage a woman to call and really lead and then feel accomplished that the man Respects her. but i feel weird if she then wonders why he is not all romantical and rowing.

  168.  #168TW on September 29, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    Hello ladies and Rori

    I just wanted to post what I was feeling…

    I feel upset and emotional. I feel disconnected because I know what my real feelings are but do not know whether those same feelings are being returned. I feel as though I put my trust and faith in someone that has fallen away from me. I no longer know what to do… Do I give up or do I give it another try? Some days I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster will constant ups and downs and some days I want to get off but then I think back to when the ride was fun and then I smile and can not imagine being anywhere else. Sometimes I feel like the other part of me does not acknowledge my very existence. I wonder if you even think about me in the company of other women. Am I that special someone that you would give up anything to be with? I feel triggered sometimes and uneasy at the thought of spending another moment alone or to hear my phone ring and it is not the ringtone I wish to hear… Do you long for me? I want to share my space with someone and be that one that they can turn to for anything and everything. I feel as though I put my trust and faith in building a better relationship and future with you.. but often wonder if the same is felt. I want to open my mouth and speak but I can not find the words to say. It is like my disappointment has captured my words and are holding them hostage. As a little girl, I though that my prince would come in on the white horse and save me and take me to my happily ever after not knowing that my happily ever after would come with trials and tribulations. I want my life back… I want to pick up my phone and hear the voice that puts my mind at ease. I want to feel the touch that makes my body shiver as though I am being touched for the first time… I want to spend time together like we were before. I feel like my anger is taking over my whole body to the point I can not breathe or think. I feel like part of me wants to walk away but my feet are rooted in one place and I can not move. God is telling me to trust him and trust my boundaries and everything will be okay but what is okay anymore.

    This is just a little of what I am feeling. I am not done but 90210 is on and I am trying to see what is going to happen next week. Will be back in a minute. I want to e mail this to my LI

  169.  #169TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Alias girl-

    You re so right… It is hard being the girl and the boy int he relationship… That is the strangest thing… It is confusing for one but if a woman so chooses to be the masculine energy she has to know up front what she is getting into.

  170.  #170Tracey on September 29, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    Are we still talking about making a phone call? Is that masculine energy? I can’t wait for the cd’s to arrive!! I have a LOT to learn… 🙁

  171.  #171TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:16 pm


    I am not sure as I have not really gone back and read the earlier post. I think alias girl was just talking in the general sense in that you can not be both the female and the male energy int he relationship. If you want to call all of the shots then go for it but understand that you will be doing that for the rest of that relationship… If you want to have the feminie role then you have to lean back and allow him to come to you. Your job in the feminine world is to do nothing and accept the good things that come from it. This is why I have not made a call to my love interest and I will not call him because I want to have the feminine energy that I once had and then I guess I took on the male role of always calling him and inviting him places and stuff. I just post my feelings which I want to e mail to him but I am not because that is leaning forward and that does not feel good to me, I would like to think that he thinks enough of me to pick up the phone and call me and think of me all the time as I do him… Do you get what I am trying to say?

  172.  #172alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    actually i have experimented with calling (from a place of need) and calling (from a place of rockstar).

    i can feel the difference now. all my men (even pre rori) have complained i never call them. i feel good to experiment more with rockstar calling and see how it FEELS.

    the whole calling thing used to be a major trigger issue until last weds. and i saw the light and was saved. hehe. seriously though. my behavior became illuminated to me and something just clicked and it feels so less triggering now. i mean nice to hear from my boyfriends and all but is not a heated point of my existence.

    i feel unfortunately inadequate with my words sometimes. hopefully the vibe will come through. or not. i mean. yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno.

  173.  #173TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Alias girl….

    You ar killing me as usual… I am cracking up because you are a basket case sometimes but you acknowledge it and embrace it and I love it… I love how you are nothing more than you.. Take it or leave it.. That is power within itself girl… KEEP THAT UP!!!

  174.  #174alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    i am going to experiment with a lot of calling. oooohhhhhh this is very triggering for me. ahahahah i feel SCARED.

    argh. argh. argh.

    umph. i am going to start with a call back to fancy sportscar guy. argh. argh. argh.

    this will be good. i feel excited about my new experiement. i do not feel attached to any results. i feel open and curious. argh.

  175.  #175alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    i don’t feel good to be called a basket case. nor do i consider myself one. i feel confident the words were said in humor and love and i acknowledge that. i also acknowledge my bad feeling.

  176.  #176TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Alias girl-

    It was not meant to be taken in a bad way and if it came across that way I apologize. We use that as a term of endearment in my friendship circle. Means the same thing to us as funny and all over the place like a person that always keeps you on your toes no matter what the situation is. Fun to be around… Like that in a good way not basket case as in needs medical attention. Sorry for the mix up dear…

  177.  #177TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Alias girl-

    I like that you feel comfortable in doing what you do.. I would be scared that a guy would be turned off to me if I were too forward but that is the old fashioned me you know…. Times are so different and you have such a modern type attitude towards these things… I really like that and I wish I were more like that… Even though you have a fear you follow through and do not expect anything out of it… I am growing still so I am not in that place just yet but I want to get where I just am not bothered either way… It feels freeing to be able to be that way I guess…

  178.  #178alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    ew. i just called. my out loud response after leaving a message was Ew. however. i feel empowered. i feel goddessey. hah! i feel like i faced that fear head on. that wasn’t so bad. yes! i feel good to face my fears. and my ews.

    i am going to make some more calls. my other new experiment i have been doing is picking up all phone calls (most) (some). well i’ve been picking up some of the unrecoginazble numbers sometimes. it feels like playing the slots. will this be a yae call or a nay call?

    i am going to be supergoddessey untriggerable major empowered woman. 🙂

    i am going to create whole new universes for myself!

    i am. already. thank you.

  179.  #179alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    thank you for the apology tw. i feel good that the name came from a place of good spirit and friendship. i feel better after hearing that. thank you.

    i wish the best for you and all sirens.

  180.  #180TW on September 29, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Alias Girl-

    You are so much like a friend of mine…. she just does what she wants when she wants and does not care otherwise. You would so fit in with our group.. Going out having fun and stuff. I am glad that you ahve a project of calling and stuff… You should do this for a certain amount of time and post your findings so we will all know how it turned out… I feel curious. I am glad that you had it in you to call and you did not matter how you felt after the fact you did what your mind set out to do….SUPERGODDESS…. I am proud of you for doing that and not being sad or upset that it did not turn out a certain way you know…KUDOS for you because I would probably be in tears if I called my LI and got his voicemail….

  181.  #181TW on September 29, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Alias girl-

    No need ot thank me for the apology… I just wanted you to know that it came from a good place not a bad one…It is like me and my friends call each other a bitch sometimes and we know that the other does not mean anything by it but I guess since we do not know each other on a personal level you do not know how certain things are meant to be taken. That goes back to a situation someone post a while ago about e mails and how her boyfriend took it one way and meant it another. You never stop to think about the way things come across when you are writing verses talking… Good point because I wanted to send my LI an e mail and now I definitely do not want to. Iw as going back and forth with it and not I see that it is not a good idea at all… You can read what I wrote to him in an earlier post.

  182.  #182tinque on September 29, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    “How do I keep it up?”
    Tracey – by continuing to be your beautiful authentic self.

  183.  #183alias girl on September 29, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    thank you tw. i feel good to read your process. i feel cheered that you feel chummy with me. 🙂

    fancy sports car called back. we had a good convo. we’ll see on that i guess who knows.

    i called 21 yr old and his # is disconnected. ? financial? who knows. and then i called acouple #s in my call log that had been missed calls. i have no idea who they are. i didn’t leave a message.

    i feel very rock sta. 🙂

  184.  #184TW on September 29, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Alias girl-

    I feel empowered by you… You know exactly what you want and you are not afraid to go and get it… With other guys I am a Goddess but with my LI I am a doormat I feel… I have just gotten so comfortable and so has he that he does not feel as though he has to treat me like a pricess anymore… I feel triggered to contact him in somem way but not by phone… I do not feel ready to talk to him… I am contemplating the idea of copying and pasting what I wrote in the earlier post and e mailing it to him if he calls. I will not answer him but I will let him know why in the email and then I will contact him when I am ready to talk and who knows it may be later that day but I will talk with I am ready.

    That was really sweet what you said…Tracey please take her advice as whe is absolutely correct.

  185.  #185Cassandra on September 29, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    Gina….This is what you said in one of your first posts above….’ i feel bad when he basically makes fun of and puts down what I’m passionate about. ‘ That was the guy that you felt attracted to…the one that helped you to feel open to possibilities other than Johnny. I just felt kind of sad that he put down and made fun of what you are passionate about and I felt scared about that as well. 🙁 You deserve someone that will support you in whatever you are passionate about whether they are or not!! 🙂 xoxoxo BTW….part of me feels that a part of my own journey feels so congruent to yours and I feel inspired by your journey Gina….I feel appreciation for the fact that you share it with us.

    Tracy…I am so sorry if I confused you about the ‘calling’…I was not at all saying that you should not have called…I was talking about my situation when I mentioned the calling part. …just that I personally am trying really hard to NOT call him at all unless I am returning one of his phone calls. I felt happy that your situation did indeed turn out so great!! I can also sooooo relate to what you aid here….’Accepting that its not my fault feels difficult for me and i feel the need to go back and try just a bit harder…’ I am also trying NOT to try if that makes a bit of sense. lol

    TW…..I have missed you so much!! You have always been on my mind and in my prayers!! I send you a HUGE hug and lots of love. Thanks TW for your support and encouragement. It doesn’t FEEL like I have grown much at all but I guess if I were to read some of my older posts I would perhaps feel differently? I would hope I would anyway. lol I really loved what Mercedes wrote you….’The key is for you to find a man who wants to share your life with you…all your feelings (the good and the bad) and who wants more than anything for you to feel like he is a safe place for you to do just that.’ This is exactly what I want too and I feel sad because at one point Charles was this person for me….I felt wonderful around him until everything changed…..but I don’t even know why things changed. That is so hard for me to understand and it hurts. I am already thinking about how I will decorate my new place but that does not take those feelings of sadness away…I wish that it did. I am trying to focus on things that make me feel good but I keep ending up at the sadness and then crying. I feel tired of crying and tired of feeling sad and broken. I do feel so happy that you are circular dating though!! bottom line….if your LI doesn’t step up HE WILL LOSE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM! I do feel sad that nothing has changed between you and your LI but I feel that he is on the verge of losing you!

    Mercedes….thank you for your post too and Ihave missed you as well!! I loved this….’You’ve stepped out of the comfort zone of your old life and into a very scary, yet wonderful new one.’ I have stepped out of that box but I feel so deeply afraid of that very thing and I feel as though I can’t get out of those deep sad feelings. Today I spoke to them and told them that I appreciated them….acknowledged them and that I love them but I didn’t feel one ounce different after doing that than I did before hand. What did I miss???

  186.  #186Cassandra on September 29, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    Tinque…I felt appreciation for your responses to TW and I felt that they helped me as well. Thank you. Just like TW and Mercedes were mentioning about the rage that they felt…I feel that same thing. I feel as though Charles played GOD with my life with NO thoughts about how I would be affected. I feel invisible and neglected and angry that I gave up everything for what? To be completely and totally abandoned and verbally and emotionally abused? I feel ashamed of the fact that I stayed as long as I did but I also feel a deep desire for things to work out with us. That in itself feels scary to me in a way. When things are good and he is in a ‘good place’ I am trying to focus on doing what ever I do for him after he asks because I really WANT TO for ME and not to do it to GET something like a hug, thank you or a kiss of some sort….but to just do it because it makes ME feel good….no string attached and NO expectations. That feels good when I get to do that and the response is good. Charles has been much more loving and compassionate these last few days and there have even been actions….not just words but ACTIONS that have shown me that he does still love me but part of me feels angry about that kind of like the too little too late theory but most of me feels excited by the fact that I know in my heart that he does still love me…..almost like I am feeling hope that things can work out.

    I feel that my question in my post above from this afternoon was not really answered so can someone help me here… is the part that I don’t have clarity on…..
    ‘Yes….he has been abusive with me and yes…he has been horribly cruel at time but there are other times where he has been quite loving and attentive and things have been good. Am I NUTS to even think that perhaps we could work things out? I am I totally missing the boat here or is there REALLY hope even for us?? I don’t know if I hsould be moving with my head in this place where we are totally over and I have to face the music or if I should be moving with the hope of us getting back together and being happy and healthy? I really am at a loss with this and as my move gets closer it is getting hard and harder for me to handle. ‘ I DO want things to work out with us but part of me feels that it is wrong for me to feel that way after all that has transpired. HELP???

    I am learning that I have made alot of mistakes as well although I have NEVER EVER been abusive to him in any way shape or form. I am trying to learn where I went wrong….overfunctioning…over doing….over-loving etc and trying my best to STOP all of that. I feel afraid that I will cave in and call him when I move but when I tell myself that that pushes him away I can usuallystop myself. I really do feel frustrated and confused.

  187.  #187TW on September 29, 2009 at 9:01 pm


    You are my sister and I am glad that you are home… Things between my LI and I were goign great at one point. he wanted to see me all the time.. He was calling.. We were talking more… He even opened up an emotional conversation with me and said that he wanted to work on the relationship side of things and for about a month or two after that things were great…
    We were playfilly talking about engagement rings and everything and then things went bad for him and he turned away from me for some odd reason and things have been up and down since… He is financially going through a lot and I do not know if that had anything to do with it or not and it is not my place to figure that out.. It is his…

    Anyway, back to you..Charles is going to wake up one day and realize that you are a beautiful butterfly and you are going to spread your wings and fly away. When my ex husband moved out of our apartment I did not feel whole until I got a new place to live… It was great decorating and it was a space of my own. It felt empty for a while but then as time went by I felt okay to be on my own and do what I wanted to do for a while. It is scary I know but you are stong and you will find your way and do what feels right for you. If you feel in your heart that you can work things out with Chalres then it is best for you to be in your own space to give him time to miss you and be without you and realize that he can no longer live his life without you in it… Pray about it and I will pray with you that God gives you peace.. As you are moving into your new place on Thursday I will be starting a new job… Two scary situations but the good thing about that is we have each other.

  188.  #188TW on September 29, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    Cassandra… To answer your question anyone who loves another person would want things to work out. You are not stupid for that if that’s the way you really feel. Go into this new apartment with a clear mind and no expectations. Focus solely on yourself for a while until your heart and mind is in the same place… Focus on loving you and the rest will fall into place… No worries my love… God has your back… Patience is a virtue. there are things you want to change there are things he needs to change too and now you both have the space and time to sort things out.

  189.  #189gina on September 30, 2009 at 5:30 am

    Cassandra, thanks for clarifying, and thanks for your concern. Yes, I agree that guy’s criticism is a red flag, and I feel uncomfortable about it. He asked me if we could “agree to disagree” and I said no. Not because I can’t tolerate his opinion, although I do think our values are incompatible, but mostly because I don’t feel good about his disrespect. We work together and we’re friendly. We’ve been drawing silly pictures for each other and I feel good about our friendship.

    I’m excited to hear about how things go in your new apartment. I wonder what life will be like as you turn your attention away from this man who has been a source of such pain. I imagine that it’s like he’s sucked your energy, and it’s easier to face the dark than to muster up the energy to turn towards the light. But I see you gathering strength, and even though it’s difficult, it seems that the pleasure of the light is undeniable, and soon your eyes will be adjusted and living in the light will feel “normal” and it will seem impossible that you could ever choose to go back to that dark place.

  190.  #190Cassandra on September 30, 2009 at 5:39 am

    Hey TW….good morning. Thanks for your loving words of encouragement…I have truly missed you. I have to say though that I feel sad that your LI is so hot and cold and in ways..he reminds me of Charles in that he simply appears to now know REALLY what he wants for his life. I feel sad that his behavior is so hurtful towards you. I feel taht you are such a lovely, beautiful, loving, compassionate lady who deserves nothing but the best and from here….it feels to me as though he is falling short. I totally understand though how you are still in love with him and want for things to work out with you two and if that is truly waht YOU want in your heart then I feel nothing but love and support for that for YOU. I love you TW and just want to know that you are happy in your life overall. With your new job staring tomorrow….does this mean that you no longer have to have any work dealings with your LI? I feel hopeful that you don’t have to deal with him with work anymore because it feels to me that it is hard for you at times.

    As far as Charles goes…he is as hot and cold as they get too….one minute he is acting not just using his empty words but atcually shoeing me with his actions that he loves me but he doesn’t even realize that he is doing this. I asked him about it the other night and he right out said that he really feels that he truly does NOT know what love is and therefore does NOT know if he loves me but then he turns around and does something for me that you only do for people that you truly do love. His actions on this part are speaking louder than his words. I feel that he isfilled with fear about commitment, marriage, relationships in general and like your LI he is also haveing major financial issues…his trucking business has nearly tanked completely and he has been home more than he has been working. I know that stresses him out and for guys that is a HUGE deal although I would still love him even if we had to be in a small 1 BR apartment together…it’s not about that for me….it’s about us being together. If youtake out the verbal and emotional abuse factor – which is all part of his upbringing BTW…his father was horrible to his mother…he has not seen any diffferent in a relationship at all and has NEVER seen anyone in a happy healthy loving marriage/ relationship but I also feel that these things are learned and affect people for the bad….they can also be RElearned and thereby affect people for the good! I DO feel so strongly that he does love me. I feel a deep longing and hope that once I am gone…..once I leave BTW…I will not be calling him except to return his calls and we talk every single morning, though out each day and every single night before bed…whoever goes to bed first calls the other to say good night and he always has ME wake him up if he has to get up crazy early for a delivery/ unload because I can call him, wake him up and go right back to sleep and then he turns around and wakes me up when it is time for me to get up in the mornings… I will NOT be calling him to say good morning, good night, how is your day? or even waking him up unless HE asks me specifically to do so. I am trying my best to cut all ties so that there is that space that you mentioned for him to miss me if he will miss me. I do feel strongly that he will but I also know that he is an incredibly prideful and puffed up man that has a hard time apologizing and even when he does it is only to get me to not tell him how I feel about something rather than being an authentic ‘I really am sorry’ apology. I feel fear sometimes that he is too prideful to come and tell me he goofed and make things right with us and ultimately come and ‘get me’ so that we are back together again. I had tried to tell him the night before last that I was moving on Thursday and ask him to move my bogger things – HE insisted on moving me BTW and it will save me alot of money so I am fine with it but I tried to tell him that I had signed my lease the day before yesterday but he did not want to talk about anything at all so I did not push it…we just went to bed. I did however tell him last night…he was on the road and had to drive until about 1:00am. When I told him that I would need him to move my things when he got home his reaction was complete indefference to the degree that it felt to me as though there was absolutely NO emotion whatsoever on his part however that is a total assumption on my part. I feel hope that I am wrong about that. When he is on work mode he is totally in work mode even though all he is doing is driving….he won’t or can’t think about anything but that at that moment. I felt sad that there was not even an ounce of sadness coming from him at all hoever he DID tell me on his own that he can’t think about anything other than work right then. I feel hopeful that once he has a minuite to sit down and THINK about things that he will be overcome with sadness about all of this and realize what he is doing. My lease is for 7 months. I did not feel peace about signing a year’s lease and the shortest one they had was for 7 months. I feel so so hopeful that in that 7 months that he will realize that he does indeed love me, that he will acknowledge that with me and begin to make strides in working things out togehter and eventually I would be back home…here with him. Hor that to happen however, I would let him know that we would absolutely have to go to counseling for me to come back home. I feel as though Iam leaving my home rather than going to it and I wish it was the other way around but reality is that it isn’t. I feel so off and as though there is something wrong for me to even want things to work out after all that has transpired but it feels next to impossible for me to ‘turn off’ my feelings for him.

    You said that there are things that I want to change & things taht he needs to change too…..he will never admit that TW….never. He dose not even realize that he has a drinking problem and even jsut saying that outloud here…I felt a ‘catch’ in my spirit when I said that. He drinks more than anyone I have ever seen and until that is dealt with I feel fear that we could never be what we were although he was drinking then too he just hed that from me. I feel such anger and rage and like you…I just want to explode but I don’t know how to even access that anger and deal with it. I feel like a time bomb waiting to go off. It feels like my entire world is falling apart and I feel as though everything is out of control and it feels terrible. I feel such a deep fear that he won’t ‘figure it out’ and we would be back together and I feel fear that I won’t ever be able to allow anyone else into my life and heart because of how I feel about him. I have tried circular dating and just can’t do it. I am soooonot even interested in even listening to anyone else and that is not fair to them. I don’t want to even talk to anyone else TW and whiel I feel that I am the one ‘closing me in’ so to speak I can’t even bring myself to pretned to be interested in anyone else. I feel that is not fair to the ‘anyone else’.

    Charles just called me to wake me up and acted as thoug nothingw as even wrong. He spoke to me in such a loving way and said that he was going to head back North and try to find another load and asked me to take care of some business for him. you know I am the ONLY person that he trusts to handle his personal affairs for him….he doesn’t even have his brother do any of that for him…ever. I am the one handling his mortgage issues and I am the one that speaks with the mortgage company on his behalf…they all know ME there not him! You don’t just trust anyone to do that kind of thing TW you just don’t. Sorry…I feel I am rambling again.

    I hope that you avhe a beautfiul day and please know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. I love you girl!

  191.  #191Cassandra on September 30, 2009 at 5:58 am

    Gina…..I think we were posting at the same time. 🙂 I am glad to know that you too felt those red flags. I know that it is only recently that I begun to notic those kinds of things so I feel so hapy to know that you noticed them as well. I feel happy too that you are cool baing friends with this person and that you were NOT ok agreeing to disagree! I am so on the same page with you about the disrespect thing and I feel supportive of you, encouraged by you and inspired by you as well. You ROCK lady!!

    ‘I wonder what life will be like as you turn your attention away from this man who has been a source of such pain. I imagine that it’s like he’s sucked your energy, and it’s easier to face the dark than to muster up the energy to turn towards the light.’ I am not sure that I could have put it anymore right into how I feel than you did right here. You hit the nail on the head but I do feel hopeful that somehow someway I will work myself out of that dark place and right into that light. I can’t see how I will do that but that feels to me like getting into my head trying to figure that out instead of feeling my way thru it. Thanks for your input Gina…I feel appreciative and supported. Sending you hugs….

  192.  #192Mercedes on September 30, 2009 at 7:22 am

    TW: You doing okay today? When it comes to feeling rage over not getting phone calls, I have a different take on it than some of the other women here. I feel very angry when someone (anyone, not just a love) tells me they will call and they don’t. It’s a lie and I have no patience for it. Different if they got busy, but just to not do it pisses me off.

    Also, when a man knows I need that call and that I feel lonely or hurt or scared when I don’t get it and he chooses not to call it’s like he’s saying “Your lonely, hurt and scared feelings mean nothing to me and even though there is a small thing I can do to make sure you don’t feel that way, I’m not going to do it…because I’m a man and men don’t like to call”…that doesn’t feel like love to me, so yes…I get angry.

    For me, if I communicate a need to J and that need is important enough to affect my feelings in a negative way and it’s not one that is asking too much from him…well…why shouldn’t he do it? I’d do the same for him. I was away at a convention one time and he was feeling a bit insecure. He sent a text saying “I know u can’t talk but I need ur txts 2nite”. I made texting him a priority. How could I not? He needed that from me, he wasn’t asking too much, I love him…why would I not take care of his feelings? Anyway…that was a long way of saying I understand why not getting those phone calls hurts so much and creates so much anger inside of you.

    Cassandra: I don’t think you “missed” anything. Sometimes, talking to our feelings and telling ourselves we love them just doesn’t have immediate results. Don’t be in a hurry to remove those feelings…just work on feeling them and working through them…they will transform, but right now, they are in you because they need to be. Having them there and having them felt deeply is what will help shape who you become. You feel a feeling deeply and you will never forget how it felt…even when you feel better…remembering that feeling will help you set boundaries because you will KNOW you never want to feel that way again. Make sense?

    Much Love,

  193.  #193Uschi on September 30, 2009 at 8:36 am

    to answer your question above “I would like to know why she had to stuff down her feelings of wanting to go to him to hug and kiss him. This is the thing I have the hardest time with.”
    The reason why I stuffed that down is, for one thing I feel it would be leaning forward and I just didn’t want to ruin a good moment by leaning forward for another I feel he is not quite ready for that yet at this stage and yet for another is that I felt insecure if it would be the right thing to do so I just said Thanks.
    I feel I have to let him approach me by touching me first. I might be wrong and only Rori can answer that and I hope she will, because I myself feel a little insecure about that.

    Also, this is for everyone – I was looking to see if anyone had a set of Rori’s CD’s used for sale ((cause I really am broke right now) and in searching the internet I found a review about Rori and her book. I love the outcome of it and feel validated in my intuitive feelings to go with her from all the choices offered on the net. I pasted he review below, because I feel anyone who may come across this blog might want to know about it too if they are unsure about if they want to go with the program or not.

    Here is the review copied and pasted from—Does-it-Work?&id=1796278

    Have the Relationship You Want is a fairly new book that appears to be getting quite a bit of buzz on the internet. It is written by the female author Rori Raye, and was created for and is marketed towards women.

    The guide promises to offer women the knowledge and techniques necessary to shape and mold their relationship the way they want it to be, for the benefit of both their significant other and themselves. If the guide delivered on this promise then it would most likely be more than worth the cost to women who want to have a better relationship than they’ve been having, but any author can make wild claims about their book. In this review I will tell you what my research has uncovered, and whether or not the product ultimately works as is stated.

    To begin, it is important for you to know exactly what the book contains. The guide is over 150 pages in length. As promised, it addresses some of the most pressing issues to women, such as pointing out some very common mistakes that almost all women tend to make in relationships that end up ruining it little by little and pushing true love away. It also has some rather interesting techniques for getting a grip on negative thoughts and emotions in a relationship, and a breakdown of what men really want and what drives them away.

    I could go on and on about what’s inside the book, but it’s all covered elsewhere, so let’s talk about whether or not I’ve found the book to work.

    Now I’ll tell you right off that I’m a man. A man who has been in some very serious relationships, but still a man nonetheless, so obviously my subjective opinion of the material is of little importance to you, the target reader. Instead, I’ve based my final opinion of the material on the opinions of women that I have sought out and collected.

    I seek the opinion of the actual target audience in all of my reviews for anything I’m called upon to review, and because this book was so new and underground at first, feedback from those that had tried it was hard to come by. However, thanks in part to the book’s free 7 day trial, enough women have tried it now for me to formulate an objective opinion on its effectiveness.

    I initially gave the book a “safe” rating of 3 out of 5 stars – only because I did not yet have enough overwhelmingly positive evidence to justify a higher rating. However, with the review being up only a short time, I soon had to go back and eat my words. To date, I have not seen a single negative complaint from an actual customer, and the feedback that I have seen is overwhelmingly positive. Practically all of the customers I’ve witnessed in online forums or who have spoken to me directly about the book indicate that it has made a real, significant change in the way they deal with their relationships, and they are much happier because of it.
    Many books give good advice, but it is not always practical advice that can be put into use to achieve one’s dreams immediately. It seems that this is not the case with Have The Relationship You Want. Women report that it helped them immensely.
    I was forced to give commendations to the author, and bump the rating up to 5 out of 5 stars recently (the highest rating possible).

  194.  #194TW on September 30, 2009 at 9:01 am

    I am still upset but I am better now because I am embarking on a new journey tomorrow with a new job and have that to focus on. Part of me wants to call him because it has been a long time and that is really out of character for him. I have gone a few days without speaking to him but this is a bit much. I am starting to wonder if something is wrong with him.

  195.  #195Laura on September 30, 2009 at 9:09 am

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks so much for your awesome site and blog and advice.

    You had offered me some advice during my confusion in my long distance relationship.

    I have not braved circular dating yet, but I am focusing on me right now.

    I am in contact with the man I love, however the focus is giving each other space.

    Most important right now is for me to stand for my own truth/feelings. This gives him the opportunity to chose to show me what he stands for.

    After attending a wedding this weekend, I realizee that love is not rare, but committment is, and marriage really is beautiful.

    I stand for miracles and love.

    Thank you,


  196.  #196alias girl on September 30, 2009 at 9:14 am

    rori rocks the house! i feel good to read that uschi!

  197.  #197TW on September 30, 2009 at 9:19 am


    You will be okay… Trust me… I know it is scary being all by yourself but there are so many things you can do there that it is crazy… You can do a lunch for you and some friends… Get a book club together…. Hell… You can just rest your nerves for a change and worry about you. I know it is easier said than done but I have had to do it all before so I know… It gets lonely and it gets tiring but you will find your way my love. My LI and I are so up and down that it is crazy. I do not feel happy with him right now… Part of me just wants it all to go away.

  198.  #198Laura on September 30, 2009 at 9:22 am

    P.S. He contacts me daily via email. I promised a friend that I would not contact him for 3 days… to stand on my own and be less “available”.

  199.  #199TW on September 30, 2009 at 9:55 am


    I jsut called my LI because it was in me to do and that made me feel better but the craziest thing happended. He heard my voice and said hey stranger…I said hello and then he was like I thought you got a job or something because I have not heard from you… I said my phone number is still the same… He was working so he said that he woudl call me back so we got off the phone… There are so many things that I need and want to say but I do not know how to say them… He was all chipper… In my mind I was like are you psycho…

  200.  #200Laura on September 30, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Oops, hello and one more thing…
    *sigh* my boyfriend had proposed to me – I said yes, when he got home, he didn’t rush to change his Facebook status to engaged as we had discussed. When I asked, he said let’s do it. I felt upset for having to remind him – and I had a 3 year old tantrum and OVERREACTED. I deleted him from Facebook and erased my status to nothing. He didn’t ask why, as I have done this before while we where dating. I wanted him to chase me. Not what happened. He changed his status to single and now won’t give me a yes or no to being in a relationship. He was hurt and annoyed and now he is acting midly superior. Am I doing the best thing to ignore his emails for a few days? We are in such a delicate spot.

    I had been blaming him for not committing when I was the one who was too afraid to commit. Now, I learned a BIG lesson, and the miracle I pray for is his willingness to be open with me – either way – whatever is for the highest and best good for both of us.

    I also told him I would relocate to the UK by April for a change a pace for MYSELF and also to be closer to him. I feel like being close is the only way to see. He had already offered to move here.

    So thanks for letting me write out my “headaches”.

    Time for a nice piece of chocolate. : )


  201.  #201TW on September 30, 2009 at 10:05 am


    I understand your frustration in him not changing his status and to be completely honest with you when I go on myspace or facebook I rarely notice the status of people… I go on there to check up on my friends and that is it… Mine has said single for 3 years but that does not mean that I love my LI any more or less than what I did before. Sometimes we have to pick and choose our battles and I know that it is hard when it comes down to matters of the heart because I go full fledge so I understand but that is something that I need to change about myself and that is going from 0 to 60 at the drop of a hat… he at least cared enough about you to ask for your hand in marriage… I can barely get my Li to pick up the phone and call me no less… Work with the tools… It is hard I know because I have a hard time working with them myself but it is going to be okay in the end.

  202.  #202Laura on September 30, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Thanks, TW. : )

    Are you circular dating? : )

    I had been doing that until I met him. See, not to bring up the past, but the whole myspace/facebook status thing was me not getting over a hurt…

    When I met him, he had a g/f and didn’t tell me. I flew to England last Decmeber to find out. I didn’t talk with him for months, and then reached out to say hello.

    After that he visited me 4 times, and proposed… without a ring, but none the less proposed.

    I accepted because I loved him. There was fear in my heart that he wasn’t sincere and I panicked and overreacted.

    All I can say is, if your love is keeping you at distance, there’s a reason. There are a lot of great guys out there. Don’t settle. I have heard the best relationships are where the man expresses his love first… not just occasionally, but all the time. I think that is what Rori is trying to teach us.

    When you can live without any man, you have the whole world to chose from. Make sure you let him chose you, too.



  203.  #203TW on September 30, 2009 at 10:22 am


    That is extermely sweet of you to say and it makes me feel good inside to read those words. I really want to text him and ask him does he want to go separate ways.. Do you think that will be okay or do you think I need to express my concerns to him first… My gut tells me to do it.

  204.  #204Laura on September 30, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Hi TW,

    Glad it made you feel good. You deserve to feel good 24/7/365.

    Does the man in your life contribute to that feeling good?

    I don’t know the whole story, and I hope Rori pops on here : ) for the best advice, but this is what I say.

    If you acted like a flake, like me, saying yes and then saying no, well I would approach him first.

    I have done that and we are in communication. (My dlilema is trying to out space between us because he has yet to give me a yes or no about being back in a relationship.)

    I say write out how you feel. Hold on to not bringing it up for as long as you can. If I read correctly, he is calling you back.

    If your gut says to do it – ask yourself – are you just repeating the old pattern???

    *Sigh* I’m struggling with not emailing my love back… and he called me just to say hi. He sounded a little surprised that I had not called him. Considering I hurt him, and he reached out, I’m gonna call him.

    Listen to your heart.

    Take care,


  205.  #205TW on September 30, 2009 at 10:45 am


    I have been wishy washy with my feelings and holding htem back when he has done something I do not like. He is the only man that has made me this way… I have no clue why but I love him on a different level… You and your LI will be okay… I feel it.. He is just confused as to what side of the fence you are standing on right now… We can both sit down and write out our feelings and express them to our love interest when the time is right… That is our special pact…

  206.  #206TW on September 30, 2009 at 10:46 am


    I forgot to answer your question… Yes when he is around and we are good he makes me extremely happy but I want that feeling all the time not just when he feels like it.

  207.  #207Laura on September 30, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Hi TW,

    Okay. I like that pact. : )

    Just as we don’t want to be taken for granted, neither do guys.

    I have been the Queen of wishy washy, and I love my man, too.

    Committment – and I just relaized this the other day – is standing bu someone NO MATTER WHAT – even if you don’t like what they do or how thet react – AS long as it does not physically, mentally or emotionally harm you.

    Thanks for saying what you said. My love may be confused about where I stand. I have been confused about where he stands despite his actions because of the distance.

    Do you get to see you LI often? Seeing one another is a totally differnt thing.

    Happiness is a choice – spending time getting to know what makes you happy by yourself, and not relying on your man is somthing I suggest.

    For example, listening to music that makes you feel happy and having it on hand to get you out of a crumby space if he is doing what makes him happy – like maybe he wants time alone to read and you want to go for a walk…

    I don’t know your scenario, but from what I read by Rori so far, expressing things to a man like I feel sad when this or that is a good start to communicating more effectively. It takes practice.

    You can do it. Just be sure to know what you really want and listen to what he really wants, too. : )

    (I have expressed that I am moving to the UK to which he says great … but at the moment he isn’t saying great because I want to be close to you. I created that gap. Maybe your love just needs reassurance.)

  208.  #208TW on September 30, 2009 at 11:16 am


    I have to go and get my boys.. I will post when I get back.

  209.  #209tinque on September 30, 2009 at 11:37 am

    “Happiness is a choice – spending time getting to know what makes you happy by yourself, and not relying on your man” or anyone or anything else for that matter.

    Laura – Yes. Yes. Yes. And this is a BIG part of what brings a man closer to you.

  210.  #210Laura on September 30, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Hi TW,

    I look for your post later. Have a good night if you don’t get back on. : )


  211.  #211Laura on September 30, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Hi Tinque,

    Thanks so much for the positive encouragement of my newly practiced wisdom. : )

    I appreciate it! : )


  212.  #212nikita on September 30, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Congratulations Rori 🙂

  213.  #213Uschi on September 30, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Boy Rori posting my post on front page sure brought up a lot of discussion about hugging. First of all I need to say I didn’t do it (stuffed it down) because I am still starting to work with Rori’s tools and I am not sure if doing just that what I felt like doing (hugging and kissing) was leaning forward to much for a relatively simple thing. After all before reading Rori I would have just said thanks. This time it was not just what he did but also that I saw some reaction coming from him in response to my leaning back. Literally stepping up to the plate to however small a thing it was. So, not only did I feel good and all feminine and warm and cared for but I also felt excitement about a positive result which I believe came from all my leaning back and letting him lean forward with his masculinity. I believe now that what I felt at the time was not just being cared for and loved, but excitement about the tool actually having shown some results however small it may be. There were two things at work here, what I felt coming from him and what I felt within me for succeeding. Maybe I should have just hugged and loved myself for that.
    Now to hugs:
    A HUG to me can mean so many different things. It can be compassionate, like when you hug a widow who just buried her husband, to a child for losing his best friend or beloved pet,from friend to fried to express I am so happy to see you after such a long time, a good luck hug a send of to a test or difficult situation etc.
    For me a hug coming from him makes me feel secure, loved, its like (or was and I hope it will come back) an energy exchange. I felt warmth, caring, protection, I felt the messagages, I am holding you to protect you, to care for you, to be with you, to be close to you. All those and in other situations it was just being together just us two and it excluded everyone else it excluded the world and the universe, we were a universe all to ourselves. Then again there is the hug that leads to love making, passion and after – the hug, holding each other or spooning of just being close.

  214.  #214Daria on September 30, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Uschi that felt so good reading about the different hugs. I feel smily.

    And I felt like saying YES! to what you said about “I should have hugged myself” YES YES YES! That’s exactly what I would have advised! Congratulations you are moving in LEAPS AND BOUNDS… yayyayayay I feel so happy for you.

  215.  #215tinque on September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    That was beautiful Uschi. Hugs are the best

  216.  #216TW on September 30, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Hello ladies–

    I hope everyone’s evening is going okay… So much has happened with everyone since this afternoon when I last post so I will try to backtrack and respond to everyone…

    I was in awe reading your post about hugs and thought back to the last hug my Li and I shared. It was powerful and moving… It really does make you feel all of those things that your described. I guess I can always hug myself for right now until I get the chance to see him.

    Well everyone I sent the text and asked him did he think it was best that we part ways and he would not answer it… We talked briefly but I did not bring the text up at all. He said he is going to come over later but I do not know if he is telling the truth about that or not. I guess we will see. I normally text him after the kids go to bed and he normally comes in and goes straight for their room to check on them.

  217.  #217Laura on September 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    TW –

    Sending you a BIG HUG. xo


    P.S. I had responded to your other messages.

  218.  #218TW on September 30, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    I accept that hug and send you one back….
    I saw where you responded to the other ones. My boys give me a run for my money all the time… With school and sports and homework and all of that stuff they wear me out… CRAZY!! I love them though. They hug me all the time and it feels great… I miss my LI and sometimes wonder does he miss me or does he think about me or want to be with me. His business is plummeting from where it was. The real estate market is so bad now and he is a contractor. Work is steady but not big projects like before so money is an issue. I bail him out when I can because he does the same for me so I do not feel obligated to do it but if it were not for him then me and my boys would not have as much stuff as we have now you know. They have the best birthdays and Christmases because of him. He cares a lot for them both and I appreciate that in him. I just wish we could get it together.

  219.  #219Daria on September 30, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    TW – I feel sad and upset that you texted him. I feel frustrated and tight in my face and powerless. I feel like controlling you… this doesn’t feel good. I feel sad because I expect negative results from sending this text which feels very lean forward and not completely authentic to me.

    I feel powerless.

  220.  #220TW on September 30, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    I know and after I did it I was like What did I just do… It was like I just wanted him to say something.. Anything… I had no expectations of an outcome but I can not figure out what triggered me at that point in time… Maybe frustration because of his actions or something. He was like YOU have not called me in days… Are you kidding me? My number is still the same but why am I the one that has to do everything. I feel like a mother to three boys sometimes.. I have to conduct all the emotional conversations. It is like he has a fear of saying certain things to me so he wants me to say them and he will just agree. I feel like screaming Daria and if my boys were not here I would. Why does he always want me to say everything…

  221.  #221Daria on September 30, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    TW – hey I feel much better after reading that.

    Have you tried Vampire Screaming? It really works for me (and I dont’ actually make a loud sound, just act like I am)

    Also – yes, and from the his response “Hey stranger” it sounds like he’s used to and expecting you to lead and lean forward. I would lean back so far that he HAS to contact you (why havent’ you called me, blah blah , ) and HE WILL contact you. It might just take awhile. Then you can let him know how you feel and also continue leaning back and soon you will find yourself in the wonderful lean back mode where he is now initiating the calls and you are not. i BET that will lead to other changes in his treatment of you too, because he will be inspired to Give to you.

    First the thing is that you have to ride out that space… until HE cannot take it anymore and contacts you…

    right now you are being the one who cant take it anymore

    This sounds like “games” and its NOT. Its a first step that’s very important into having the relationship you want… and INSPIRING him to lead by creating the space that he will feel drawn to fill… and most important ALLOWING YOU to feel your icky feelings and being with them and the result will be a feeling of independence and super yummy Feminine Power… feels likea Goddess

  222.  #222Ann on September 30, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    TW you said:why am I the one that has to do everything. I feel like a mother to three boys sometimes.. I have to conduct all the emotional conversations. It is like he has a fear of saying certain things to me so he wants me to say them and he will just agree. I feel like screaming Daria and if my boys were not here I would. Why does he always want me to say everything

    I was wondering the same thing about my hubby the other day, then I realized for me it’s because I set the stage. I’ve started the conversations that need to be started. I’ve handle the problems, I’ve said what I thought. Now I’m about wore out in all my relationships. I’m feeling what I feel and learning what I need to do for me with my feelings.

    For me what I call “determined anger” has always been my friend. It’s helped me do what i needed to do for me. I’ve been cheering your anger because to me it looks like what i call determined anger.

  223.  #223TW on September 30, 2009 at 5:59 pm


    What did you do? Sometimes I feel like I am going to blow up on him because I sent him an e mail full of stuff that was going on and he invited me to lunch a day or two after that and he was like so what is on your mind..Talk to me.. I was like what is on your mind.. .Talk to me sometimes. My therapist says that men are stupid sometimes and are not able to express themselves as well as we do so they depend on us to be the emotional ones and carry on the emotional conversations and move the relationship forward. If we do not say it then it does not exist to them. I do not want to lead any more. I want to follow but I feel like I have to lead in order for it to get anywhere and it is getting nowhere fast…

  224.  #224Ann on September 30, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    TW as much as possible i do NOTHING. IF catch myself going to give him advice i shut up. When i realize I’m giving advice i say “do whatever you want”.

    I try to do what I feel in the moment. The other day I asked him to fixed the bathroom sink. He works at the wastewater plant so he pop offed I already told you there is only one pump working. That attitude set my anger off so I told him to leave the blank blank sink along and I didn’t believe other people were having this much trouble or they’d be hearing about it. The next day he came home and fixed the sink.

    I love my husband but at the moment I’m not in love with him. KWIM? But i come here to learn how to lift my self esteem up more and learn how to relate better to others. At this point in my life I’m tired of trying to “tell” him what he needs to do. He’ll figure it out for hisself or he won’t. Either way as Mercedes says “I’m responsible for my happiness and I’m in search of it.

    I don’t know if I’ve been much help but that’s where I am at this point.

  225.  #225TW on September 30, 2009 at 6:20 pm


    I too am in a place where I know that I love my LI but I am not in love with his as I once was… It is a hurful feeling because I knew from the moment I kissed him that he was the man that I was destined to be with but I had so much of my life to live because he is 6 years older than I am and I was not ready for a relationship at the time and neither was he but so much time has passed that I do not know if we can really make it. He has not left yet but why does he stay if he is going to act this way?

  226.  #226Ann on September 30, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    TW you asked:He has not left yet but why does he stay if he is going to act this way?

    TW I don’t know about your LI but with my hubby I feel it’s because he’s is attracted to me but not sure how to handle me. Meaning he’s figure out he can’t make me act the way he’d like me to but hasn’t figured out what he needs to do in order to maybe get me to be attracted to him again.

    In other words he wants me on his terms(terms being him not growing) but I’m growing and learning for me.

  227.  #227TW on September 30, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    I understand… He says that he does not have a fear of commitment and that he is not with anyone else other than me but he treats me on the level that everything comes before me and I do not like it at all. Im frustrated that is what it is you know…

  228.  #228Ann on September 30, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    TW I so DO understand your frustrating. For me I got to the point of I’m SICK and TIRED of doing all the work on this relationship. A relationship has 2 people in it and I feel each party should be pulling their own weight. But if one party is missing something from the other and has tried to articulate that and the other party isn’t trying the best they can to help the relationship then I came to the following decision. It’s time for me to work on my relationship with me.

    I have become this way about all my relationships:friends, family, acquaintances, whoever. It’s a 2 way street and I don’t want to be taken for granted by anyone.

  229.  #229TW on September 30, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Ann- how do you look someone you love in the face and tell them you feel like giving up… I can’t say the words… I’m crying even texting it..

  230.  #230TW on September 30, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Ann- I didn’t sent a text I meant typing… Sorry

  231.  #231Ms. Barnes on September 30, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    All of you women need to have some respect for yourself. Who is this lady Rori to make woman change for the betterment of men that refuse to change.
    We women have come a long way. Why would you let this woman take us back a thousand years.
    If I don’t like something in my relationship I say it. If he’s such an idiot and can’t atleast learn to communicate, then I don’t waste my time.
    I’m not anybody’s babysitter.
    I already have 3 wonderful children. My guy is 50 and he acts like he’s 15. He wants me to be “the one” to act right. There are 2 people in this relationship and 2 people need to work on it.
    I just ignore him. That’s my new trick. It seems to bother him for some reason. He now wants to “work it out” and he wants us to consider counseling. WHAT EVER! I ignor him now he wants everthing that I’ve been fighting for the last 4 years. I’m 31 and tired of his mess. The definition of Working it out for him is me taking steps to “act better” toward his arrogant, egotistical ways.
    He wants a Leave it to beaver type wife. Ofcourse he’s blind to Mr. Beaver and how wonderful he was to his wife and kids. So it allowed Mrs. Beaver to be the best wife she could be.
    How do yall think I got this website. He e-mailed it to me. I need to behave myself so he can continue acting like a fool.
    Living as if he doesn’t exits, making plans with the kids and with out him works for me just fine. Fortunitely for me I don’t have to count on him financially.
    Walking by him as if he was furniture has given him to new desire to be up my butt.
    It’s annoying! As soon as I start talking, agreeing and craving for that conpaionship that he talking about now, he’s go right back to being a butt hole again.
    Men aren’t STUPID. We have to STOP thinking that they are SOOOOO Clueless.
    Either your man wants his marriage and will do what it take to keep it – Or he doesn’t.
    Men ARE NOT the idiots that we keep brain washing eachother to think.
    No, it’s WE need to behave better.

  232.  #232Ann on September 30, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    TW remember I just posted I try my best to act the same way in all my relationships. I’ve had some hard times lately in some of those relationships… to the point of feeling like just giving up.

    So I’m walking away but “my way” of walking away. I don’t mean i’m kicking that person out of my life. I mean I’m putting more focus on me, on things I’m enjoying doing. I’m reevaluating relationships. I’m looking for what feels good in each relationship. And when something doesn’t feel good I walk away, sometimes literally for a bit, sometimes in my mind, but I look for a way for me to feel better.

    I feel your LI can feel a shift in you. I feel he might respond or he might not but if you keep your focus on your happiness and let him in when it feels good to, it will be soooo much better for you.

    Rori has a saying that I apply to everyone, esp. when I get to that giving up point. It is “LET HIM GO” notice it’s not Let Go of Him. To me it means to open my hands and surrender, not to hold on so tight. Let Him Go and take care of me.

    I hope I’m making sense.

  233.  #233Ann on September 30, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    BTW for me Let Him Go doesn’t mean I push a person out of my life. It means I hold on to myself, I take care of me, while allowing others to be in my life.

  234.  #234TW on September 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Ann- I understand totally… Thank you for your help.. I feel close to you right now. I’m going to bed. Its my first day at a new job and I haven’t worked in a month so I’m on the lazy side

  235.  #235Ann on September 30, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Your welcome. I hope you enjoy and have fun at your new job. I will be getting off her shortly myself. Have a goodnight.

  236.  #236Ms. Barnes on September 30, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Note from Rori:
    I held these a whole day…because I knew it would really stir up the pot. I started a post about how to deal with negativity coming at you…that it would help us deal with triggering…but thought, instead, I’d just put it out to you. For me, I can understand how angry it would make you if your man signed you up for my newsletters and sent the link to the blog, and I can understand how the titles and subject lines of some of my pieces might seem shallow if you don’t read them through. What I feel mostly here is compassion for Ms. Barnes allowing 4 years of her love life to be lived in “hell,” and then being so angry that someone has to be “blamed.” It’s a strange, sad mix of lack of boundaries and fury. It makes me wonder what it was like inside that relationship – if it’s 100% his “fault” and there’s nothing for her to learn in this….Mercedes – I’d love to hear you in this one…Rori

    I really liked what you wrote on September 29, 2009 concerning the whole female role and not calling your guy.
    That’s great Girl Power. Why should you be the one running after him. A man should want his woman just as much as a woman wants her man and even more.
    These men are lazy and they always take us for granted. It leave us to feel all of these negative feelings. They do what they want and it leaves them feeling great.
    I feel great right now because I’m ignoring my man. It’s not a game. But they must know how it feels to live with out you. If they find themselves living just fine without you in their life. That woman didn’t need him to stick around. I thing I don’t do………I never stay friends with a guy if he so chooses to move on. So he knows right from the start, I never be your friend if we split. A split/break up is just what it is……………. a break up.
    When a man knows he can still keep you around as a “friend” or an “friend with benefits” after the breakup; it gives them no reason to think twice if they are considering to leave you. They have to learn to make a choice and know that if they choose to leave then over means over.
    My man is scared right now. That’s why he sent this e-mail of who ever this lady Rori is to me. I haven’t read her book, but I didn’t like most of what she said in this particular e-mail that was sent by my guy.
    I’m nobody’s foot stool. And I’m not going out of my way for an arrogant man to LOVE me. It’s a WE THANG. Either we both go out of our way or he needs to be afraid of the outcome.
    These men are not gods. We woman have to stop putting so much energy into them. They act like little gods because we let them. We throw ourselves at them hoping that they will take notice. WHATEVER!
    Take notice to this silence……..that’s my new attitude. I believe silence scares a man because they FINALLY DON’T know what we are thinking. Remember, we normally tell them every feeling and emotion that is in our entire body and they hate that. My man is running around trying to figure out what he can do to make things better. Like sending me this e-mail. He’s still being arrogant about it. Because he only wants me to “fix” my attitude.
    For now, I’m enjoying the confused look on his face. He’s given me 4 years of HELL.
    Sitting back in pure silence is my biggest pleasure. It’s better than sex.

  237.  #237Cassandra on September 30, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    Tw… wishes on your first day on the new job!! I will be thinking of you!! I too felt triggered that you texted your LI and it felt like leaning way forward to me too. It made me feel even more resolve to NOT call Charles when I move but I also know how hard that is to do. I am used to talking to him regularly throughout each day and I feel sad that I can’t do that anymore.

    Laura….Welcome. I feel excited you are here and I feel strength in your posts…..I felt hope for my own situation in ways when I read some of your posts….one in particular though brought me a deep feeling of fear for you.
    ‘I also told him I would relocate to the UK by April for a change a pace for MYSELF and also to be closer to him. I feel like being close is the only way to see. He had already offered to move here.’ I get that he has already proposed & he offered to move here 4 you but I feel debilitating fear for you if you move there for him with NO ring on your finger and NO date on the books. I feel strongly about asking you to please do NOT do this. Please go back and read my earliest posts and some of the things that I have gone through if you haven’t already. I gave up my ENTIRE life for the man that I am now moving from…this past year and half has been hell for me….I don’t necessarily feel that it would be the same for you however we all deserve a solid and real with actions commitment and you moving without that ring and without that date set is NOT a solid commitment. I feel afraid that the possibility is there for you or anyone else that moves for a man without that SOLID commitment could go through what I have and I feel a deep sadness and HUGE fear for you around that. I am sure that your guys is a wonderful person but you seserve that SOLID commitment!! Please really look at moving for him and read what has happened with my situation….I don’t want that/ this for anyone. tomorrow I am moving al of the small things that I can move out myself into my new place and I have literally been crying nearly non-stop for 3 days. Inow have to uproot again with him giving up absolutely NOTHING and me now moving not once…but now twice…..and I must rebuild my life in a city where I am getting to know some great friends but don’t know that many people and the friends that I do have..ia m thankful for but those friendships are new and you never know if people will REALLY be there 4 you until you go through something like this. I don’t want you to go through having to rebuild in another country let alone another city!

    Uschi….your post about hugs made me feel love and hopeful and better. Thank you. It felt beautiful to me and like a gift.

    Daria….I loved what you wrote to TW about texting and this part especially….
    ‘and HE WILL contact you. It might just take awhile’ I felt confidence coming from your words and that felt good to read. I feel ashamed that after all that has happened with Charles that I DO still want HIM to contact me once I am totally moved. I am planning to lean back so far that I will return calls and that’s it. I will not be calling him or talking to him throughout the day as we always have or first thing in the moring or before bed unless HE calls me. He did actually call me tonight to say good night to ‘his Little woman’ which is what he calls me all the time and that made me feel wonderful and as though he does still love me. I do feel that he does still love me but does not know what he wants. perhaps my move will help him to figure that out but it hurts like hell for ME to have to leave what has been my only source of comfort…our home since all hell broke loose with him. I feel angry that I have to move yet part of me feels a sense of excitement…the angrypart is bogger right now though by a long shot. I feel ashamed that I still want to hear from him and I feel as though there is something wrong with me to want things to work out and we get back together. I would mvoe back home in a heartbeat IF certain things took place….we went to counseling TOGETHER, he agreed to certain things that I need to feel safe again and he showed me with his actions that he was trustworthy which you all know that he has NOT been. So many things would have to happen for me to come back home but if he truly does love me HE will show me that with his actions….period.

    Ann..when I am in that place where I can’t stop crying…I try to remember all that has transpired in my relationship with all of the abuse, ugliness coming from him and toxicity etc and I am trying to immediately think of my inner little girl and how would SHE feel if I allowed it to continue? How would I be letting HER down if I don’t move? When he says something that feels nasty and ugly and would SHE feel if I let it go and say nothing rather than letting him know how I feel about that. I am trying so hard to focus on HER that I had my Mom send me a photo of ME whatn I was 4 or 5…remember that winnie the pooh dress?? LOL I carry it in my wallet in case I forget to think of HER first and I feel that it is helping me.

    It is the middle of the night here and I can’t sleep. I have been crying most of the night. I know I willbe here at home tonight – Thurs. as he will not be back until Fri and will move my big things when he gets home and has a full day to do it. It will likely be Fri or Sat. I feel so sad and angry to have to leave what was supposed to be my happily ever after. I think so much of how things were when they were good and when HE was talking about us getting married and asking me to move here to marry him. I think so much about how we used to laugh and giggle doing yard work and spend all day on Sunday after church watching football in our favorite place. These things make me feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest and it hurts so deeply that I can’t breathe at times. My whole body feels as though I have been hit my a mac truck and I am having night mares lately…I never used to have nightmares…..never. I feel afraid that I won’t recover and bethany….I can totally relate to NOT wanting to circular date or even think about it. I can’t face that right now…it feels too scary and overwhelming and forced for me right now. God I want thins to work out with Charles and for things to be right. This hurts so damn much and I feel rage that is boiling over in the form of constant tears that I can’t stop.

  238.  #238alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 1:04 am

    i had a weird day of expansion and i don’t know how much more i can open up. i will just cry and cry and cry and people will love me so much and i will love them so much and what am i to do with that? i feel tears and my stomach feels like i ate too many pepperocinis (i had none) and i feel open and i feel

    why am i crying? i cried when i woke up (6:30 am!!!) well a little after i woke up…it happened because i reflected back on the conversation i had with fancy-sports-car-guy and something about it shifted me and
    ugh i feel crying

    and so i felt permanently shifted on and off all day things would make me cry today

    and i went to church and everything made sense and i felt connected and i felt so loved by the universe and

    it doesn’t LOOK like everything is falling into place but everything IS.

    and i am crying again.

    i feel like i have compassion in a large amount now and i feel like i had a fair amount to begin with

    and people are so kind to me and what am i to do with that?

    people are so kind to me now and

    i feel silly crying so much. especially that i am not even sad yet it feels like heartbreak. i can’t explain it.

    maybe god will open my head for a minute and light will come in and i will be given the voice of an angel (or the very least a popstar) and i will skippity doo daa down easy street the rest of my live long days.

    maybe that’s what all this is about. or maybe it’s just about freedom and happiness and love.

  239.  #239alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 1:09 am

    it’s like how does my body adjust to this new vibration?

    so quickly. in what—one month? so many changes.

    stuck in the muck for eons then shift shift shift shift higher consciousness up up up

    and my defenses got dismantled. and my gremlins left my body. and my fear parasite left also. and THEN i had the feeling of what it feels like to feel safe in my body and what it feels like to know i am safe in the world.

    and now this. this love thing.

  240.  #240alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 1:11 am

    im not taking about man-woman love.

    im talking about the oneness kind of love.

    …you know.

  241.  #241Tracy on October 1, 2009 at 3:31 am

    Yay….Alias…..Been feeling the same things since i started getting in touch with my inner self…It feels different and each time some puzzle makes sense i feel a sense of awareness…..I feel alive and happy and excited and i feel that i am opening up and really being vulnerable for the first time…I feel glad that you feel the same way and can identify with Expansion and one love…I feel inspired..thanks for sharing….Hugs

  242.  #242Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 7:05 am

    TW: I hope you have a wonderful day at your new job! You sound stronger every day…

    AG: I think I know how you are feeling (with the tears and stuff but not really being sad…). J introduced me to a Portuguese word that describes it for me when I’m feeling that way. The word is “saudade” and its kind of like being homesick (not really, but that’s the closest English word to describe it). Its really just a sort of sentimental feeling of missing someone or something…having it feel so close but so far away…hard to explain.

    One day when J and I were dating but lived 1200 miles apart and hadn’t seen each other in a long time, we went online and I saw him on the webcam. I instantly cried. I was feeling saudade before I saw him and it came crashing down on me when I could see him.

    It doesn’t always apply to a person. It can apply to a time in your life or a thing or even a place.

    These are the words that made me think “saudade”:
    “i feel silly crying so much. especially that i am not even sad yet it feels like heartbreak. i can’t explain it.”

    Its how I describe it when I’m feeling that way. Well…its more like how I described it before…now I use the word saudade.

    I wish I had better words to explain what I’m trying to say…and I don’t know if that’s what you’re feeling right now. But I’m feeling it…have been for a while. I miss my son so much.

    Anyway…just wanted to be here for you.

    Much Love,

  243.  #243Mercedes on October 1, 2009 at 7:08 am

    Oh…the word is pronounced sow-dodge-A (a long A sound) with the emphasis on the “dodge” part.

    Did anyone want to even know that? LOL I guess I’m just typing to be typing right now…

  244.  #244Laura on October 1, 2009 at 7:11 am

    Hi TW & Cassandra & Ladies,

    TW hope you have a good day!

    Cassandra thanks for pointing out your fear.

    Belive me, I get it. I already told my LI that I was moving for me first. : )

    And I mean that.

    Having the relationship status set on Facebook was bothering me. Now that I removed it, I feel free.. free to love him and free to let things be un-pressured.

    I am fortunate in the fact that I can relocate for a time and I still have a home to come back to. I would be giving up my job here in the states, but I have only been keeping it to pay down some debt which is almost complete.

    I’m excited about being free. I think he gets it, too. I am moving for me. And moving to be closer to him, but not for him. I have already looked into great clubs and organizations I can join.

    The man that gets me is lucky!!! : ) He will have to show me if he is that man.

    Love to you all,


  245.  #245Vicki Kerns on October 1, 2009 at 8:17 am

    Question about the man I’ve been dealing with for over a year now since he came back into my life. We’ve come full circle. Hadn’t seen him in almost a year as of Sept. 08. Saw him, resumed friendship, did what felt like dating (at least to me) for a couple of months, had sex, he pulled way back, we talked through it, maintained building of friendship, initiated “friends with benefits” in Feb. (oh, if only I’d been familiar with Rori’s tools then), continued to have wonderful times as friends (with sex once a month), and the last time being Memorial Day, where once again, he seemed to get spooked because it was so intense. Stopped the benefits part without a word to me, but we kept having fun as friends, and since late July/Aug. has been coming around less, phoning less (now almost 3 weeks w/o a call), and I basically feel like we’ve come full circle back to where I feel like he’s completely pushed me away (except I see him on the weekends at faire & he’s Mr. Friendly, like nothing is wrong). At least he was making excuses for not calling, doesn’t even do that now.

    Here’s my question: his birthday is next Wednesday. Do I at least send a card? I haven’t called him, I do not plan to call him on his birthday. But since he did a “thing” for my birthday, do I at least give him a card, or should I totally just blow it off because of the way he has pushed me away?

    I’m not doing a gift, no more giving. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve always overdone it in everything for him, giving, giving, giving, and he has given some in return, but I think out of guilt and a sense of obligation. He took me out for my birthday in Feb., got me a nice little gift, but also told me that he’d told his close male friend (doesn’t have many) that he was taking me out because I’d done so many nice things for him. I know he didn’t want to admit he was taking me out for my birthday because, God forbid, someone might think we were more than friends.

    I’ve been leaning back and working on my tools, but still cry quite a bit when I think about how did things just go totally down the toilet. I’m doing baby steps, but still get very emotional at times (not around him, but privately).

    What do you ladies think?

  246.  #246tinque on October 1, 2009 at 8:54 am

    “Let Him Go doesn’t mean I push a person out of my life. It means I hold on to myself, I take care of me, while allowing others to be in my life.”
    Ann – this is beautiful and so well said.

    alias girl – Tears. Your tears. They’re a release. Sometimes we feel SO full we have to release, and sometimes a shedding of a layer comes about better with the shedding of tears. It’s a wonderful and cleansing feeling. Embrace it. Sometimes it’s best not to ask questions and just be with it all.

  247.  #247tinque on October 1, 2009 at 8:56 am

    Vicki – no card. just my opinion.

  248.  #248Vicki Kerns on October 1, 2009 at 10:02 am

    Thanks Tinque, that’s the way I’m leaning. When I see him at faire this weekend, I don’t think I’ll even wish him a happy birthday vocally, unless he happens to mention something (which he probably won’t). And then it will be a, “Oh yes, that’s right, it is next week, well happy birthday.

  249.  #249Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Vicki, when we step back form chronic overfunctioning, it’s like “withdrawal” to a junkie. So…no card. Cold turkey. You’ll heal faster. Love, Rori

  250.  #250alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    thank you tracy. i feel inspired by your presence and i feel appreciative of your presence. i feel great to hear your feelings of aliveness and excitement!

    mercedes i actually felt pleased and humored that you gave the pronunciation key for the word saudade. 🙂 (i’m a word person. i love words.) thank you what you wrote. i feel support and kindness. also i feel touched by your love for your son.

    Vicki i would nix the card idea. i wouldn’t call or email or anything. absolutely not. but that’s me. also when big feelings come up for me, i like to riff them. rori has a “power and self esteem” series of posts. if you click on that and go back all the way to the beginning of the series and read along and start doing the exercises you will see how to riff through your feelings and love them all and then come back to a good feeling place with alivened energy.

    thank you tinque. i feel so safe and comforted by your gentle approach and kind words. i feel good to find my “inner tinque” within myself. 🙂

  251.  #251tinque on October 1, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    now you’re going to make me shed tears alias girl.
    thank you sweetheart.

  252.  #252Vicki Kerns on October 1, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Rori, thank you for everything you do for us. I have a lifetime of bad habits to break (53, single, never been married, no kids). Never really wanted to, until I met this guy (well, no kids anyway LOL). I was so blown away by you talking about “stuffing down your feelings.” I have done that all my life, having coming from a home environment where my mom & dad fought…A LOT. All of my life, I have gone out of my way to avoid a confrontation or arguing, and you’re right. It all builds up & BOOM, I explode. Usually in a letter or e-mail. And I have accomplished nothing with that. I have had poor self-esteem all my life and out of all the men I’ve ever had relations with, I’d say maybe 2-3% were decent guys. The rest, I could write a novel. And sometimes it took awhile, but I have loved this damn man for 4 years. I pray almost every day for God to take him out of my heart. Maybe he’ll come back around sometime (this is #2 now & I handled it badly both times), but if he ever happens to come around again, it will be my way (my new, stronger, goddess self) or the highway. Baby steps, a couple at a time, and my worst flaw is beating myself up, which I’m also working on. RORI, THANK YOU FOR PROVIDING THESE WONDERFUL TOOLS.

    Cassandra, I totally agree with the “inner little girl.” The original one of mine was fearful and timid. We have to get stronger to “parent” this part of ourselves properly. We can only change ourselves.

    Alias Girl, thank you for your comments. Well, the consensus: strike 3, no card for you…you’re outta there, hit the showers & get on the bus!

  253.  #253tinque on October 1, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    alright Vicki…YAY for you.

  254.  #254TW on October 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Hello ladies-

    I have finally made it home from the first day… I must say that it was interesting and I think I am going to like it a lot. I know someone that works there already so witht that being said I found it more comfortable then just going somewhere that you do not know anyone.

    Too much has gone on with you guys for me to post a response to everything but alias girl… I cried this morning too because I had a dream that all of my feelings came rushing out of my mouth when my LI was here and then once I finished saying what I needed to say then I asked him to leave and I grabbed my pillow and went to sleep. It was too real you know… I felt like I had all power in my hand. I just wish that it would really happen you know.. I am at a point where I do not care how the words come out just as long as they come out. I feel fed up with this whole situation and I am not sure if I even want to stay in it anymore because I feel taken adventage of. That is a hurtful thing. He has been such a big part of my life that I do not know how to be without him but lately I guess I am getting a taste of it.

  255.  #255Ann on October 1, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Tinque thank you it feels good to know you like my explanation of “Let Him Go.”

    Mercedes thank you for introducting a new word, saudade to me and thank you the pronunciation of it. I like learning new words and how to prononce them.

    TW glad there was someone you knew already on your new job. Hugs.

  256.  #256Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Ms. Barnes…Welcome, and Thank you for your story and for your anger. And I totally think it’s great that you’re taking your focus off of him and having a great life on your own. What I don’t get is…you’re a woman with so much going for her, and nearly 20 years younger than your man — if he’s been arrogant and difficult and caused you to be unhappy and have to fight to be treated well – and this is what I ask us all to ask ourselves — why were you “there” with him for 4 years? A very long time to be so unhappy. I would think you would have left after the first few bad months. Sincerely, Rori

  257.  #257Vicki Kerns on October 1, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    Ms. Barnes, As for your comments, you are indeed entitled to your opinion, as are we all. For me, Rori is not taking us back thousands of years but is helping us push toward a more strong & secure future. And she is helping us to not just be better so that we can only attract men. I feel she is trying to help us develop the stronger, inner selves that we all have inside us, that have become hidden for many, many reasons, or were never there from childhood.

    I feel she is giving us tools that will help us grow and learn to love and respect ourselves. Not everyone is born & raised with a strong sense of self or strong self-esteem. Sometimes we need help and if the source of that help does make us stronger and more self-assured, then to each his own.

    Everyone deserves to be loved and treated the best way possible. We are all children of God (my belief anyway) and He wants the very best for us: love, happiness, wealth, all the good things in life. If we can learn to love & respect ourselves, it will make us infinitely happier and it will draw better things in life to us (karma & the universe, i.e, “The Secret”): better opportunities, new friends, all kinds of wonderful things.

    I feel she is trying to help us realize that we do indeed deserve all the best that life has to offer. And if it attracts a better quality of man who treats us like we should be treated, then that is a benefit. But it also helps us learn that we don’t have to stick around with a man who keeps making us unhappy & miserable. I hope you can find your happiness.

  258.  #258Uschi on October 1, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    Ms. Barnes,
    I do not like the way you talk about Rori, for one thing she is not taking us back she is taking us forward, forward from what has been for years ingrained to us by family friends and parents or mothers who didn’t know better either. She is opening an avenue to US as woman to our inner strength and self worth. For years in culture and because of religion women were made out to be second grade citizen were made to feel insecure about themselves were taught the wrong things the wrong way to behave etc with the exception of a few woman like Rori who came out of this all on her own most women and I would say about 90% of them grew up with this way of thinking and behaving. Who are you to say she is taking us back a thousand years – I really don’t like your attitude. If you were to read Rori’s books and read this blog maybe you learn something that would bring you what you deserve and wish for in a relationship. I for one have to say that ever since I read Rori and implemented some of her tools I have seen a lot of improvement not just within me but also in my relationship. I would also reccoment you read some other posts here including one that I wrote where I copied and pasted a report on her in which she got 5 out of 5 points of giving something really worth while to women. There is not one thing that is being said negatively about her on this blog or otherwise and that s something you really should take inot consideration cause after all its you 1 against everyone else here who feels very positive about Rori and her tools. So take that for what it is worth, and maybe do something different with your anger and work with it in a way that Rori recommends, instead of hurling insults at her. Your partner I feel has done you a great service by sending you a link to this site and I believe he is a heck of a lot smarter than what you think – maybe he is telling you that if you would make some changes within you that he would like to see he would step up to the plate in the way you would like to see it – the way I see it he was wise to send this link to you which indicates at least in my view that he wishes for you to step of your high horse and become a real WOMAN. A WOMAN is what he wants a WOMAN that know to love herself – which apparently you don’t.

  259.  #259nikita on October 1, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    i feel icky….I want my tough love cop to swoop in.
    i miss Erika too…
    ugh-icky icky angry icky….
    holding my tongue…
    for now…

  260.  #260alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    aw ms barnes i feel so bad but i am unable to read your posts all the way through as something inside me feels literally repelled from negativity. and it’s something that’s happened to me and it’s weird i know.

    but i want to welcome you whole heartedly and i feel pretty sure that if a woman comes to siren island she is probably looking for relief from the pain of her romantic relationship and is looking to find tools to help her.

    i can honestly say rori’s tools have worked immensely for me. so i welcome you and look forward to hearing more from you.


    alias girl

  261.  #261Cassandra on October 2, 2009 at 5:51 am

    I am feeling invisible here and unaddressed and it feels horrible as that is how it has been here at home for most of this past year and a half. It feels horrible. I feel that I am going through such a painful time and experience and I feel completely alone and unheard, ignored and totally invisible. I feel sad and icky. I feel afraid that everyone will think that I am being demanding, selfish, self centered and needy and I feel sad that I even feel that way. I want to feel accepted and a part of things and that my feelings are important as much as anyone else’s. Know that this is MY issue and NOT anyone else’s but it feels scary and icky and just yuck to me..I feel that I am going through all of this alone…even this move and that this is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I feel exhausted in that I literally cried off and on all day yesterday and that feels so UNstrong and UNtogether and UN-moving forward to me. I just feel icky and yucky and hurt filled and angry right now. I feel in need of support and encouragement and love and I feel alone in that.

  262.  #262Cassandra on October 2, 2009 at 6:00 am

    Vicki…..welcome. I feewl happy that you are here and that you are asking for opinions here. I feel that you will get such wonderful direction that will help so so much. In my opinion too… card. I know that feels totally ‘off’ becuase we always want to give and show them love but it feels like leaning forward to me. Just my .02 cents. 🙂

    TW….I feel excited to hear more about your new job and even more about hearing how you FELT about it. I feel like letting you know that you were on my mind all day yesterday and in an odd way that helped me to ‘get back to me’ so to speak. in the middle of moving small stuff all day….out of the blue I found myself crying off and on through the day. In changing my focus I often thought of you and how your first day was going and poof! my energy changed immediately and I felt better for 2 shakes of a lamb’s tail and then the whole cycle would happen all over again but at least for those short moments all through the day….I felt a bit better. I am hapy to hear that al went well adn I feel excited to hear more. I love you girl.

  263.  #263Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 6:48 am

    Rori: With regard to what Ms. Barnes has to say I thought it best for me to direct my comments at you rather than her…I think you know why.

    First of all, I want to clear up that I have a LOT of respect for myself and I don’t stand well to disrespect from others, so saying “All of you women need to get some self respect” is an incorrect statement. Many of us have plenty of it.

    Now, I can tell Ms Barnes has not been following your work for long. The reason I can tell? Because she DOES what you teach (naturally…which is very cool) and yet she has a negative position on it and quite honestly isn’t even aware of it. I’m very curious about that. She hasn’t left her man, but she’s a perfect, perfect, perfect, couldn’t have said it better myself perfect example of exactly how powerful leaning back is. When she leans back (she refers to it as ignoring…but the reality is it is leaning way back) he chases her like she’s the last woman on earth. He wants her. He loves her. She leans forward and he goes back to his bad ways. Beautiful testiment and example of what you are trying to get across. Perfect. Here’s the exact quote that shows what happens when we stop leaning back, stop having our own lives and become needy or clingy and craving that love and attention in a forward leaning manner:

    “It’s annoying! As soon as I start talking, agreeing and craving for that conpaionship that he talking about now, he’s go right back to being a butt hole again.”

    It hurts, yes….and it is also reality so much of the time. My heart goes out to her because behind the tough exterior, there lies a woman who wants so much for her man to love her and shower her with attention…it hurts when we want so much what we aren’t getting.

    Now, that being said, sometimes we are with men who are wrong for us…or we are wrong for them…or both. Ms. Barnes is lucky in the fact that her man seems to have told her exactly what he’s looking for:

    “He wants a Leave it to beaver type wife.”

    If that’s what he wants and that’s not who she is, then she’s with the wrong man.

    It seems to me that he simply hasn’t given up on the relationship…he’s working hard to make it better but she has disconnected emotionallly and carries only anger now. I’ve been there. My ex husband wasn’t as committed to making it work (and so it didn’t). That’s something a lot of us would die for in a man. Here are some examples:

    1. He’s clear about what he’s looking for (Mr. Beaver’s wife).
    2. He suggested counseling (this is HUGE for a man…counseling is all about feelings and men hate that stuff…)
    3. He emailed your letters to her (shows that if nothing else, he’s been online searching for ways to connect with her again).

    However, if she’s the wrong woman for him, then I would never recommend staying in that situation (especially if when it come to her feelings, it feels like “HELL”). I struggle with understanding why she’s still there. Usually a woman stays in an unhealthy relationship because she “loves” him too much to leave (mistaking addiction for love). In this case, I don’t think she’s saying that, so I don’t really understand what keeps her in the house. If she’s staying for the kids, then I don’t think it’s YOU who is taking anyone back a thousand years…I think she accomplished that on her own and you have the tools to help her out of that situation.

    As far as the attacks on you…I’ve seen your strength and I am amazed by it. For me, I address it bluntly and then I let it roll off my back and I move on with my day. For you, you seem to address it in such a graceful manner. I love that about you.

    If this is the right place for Ms. Barnes, she will stay and as she reads, she will continue to learn about herself and her man and her relationship. She has the potential (because of her natural ability to do what you teach) to be your greatest success story. If this isn’t the right place or the right time, she will move on. I can only hope that she finds help from someone so she can strengthen her core, feel good about herself, go out there and grab life by the horns….and then seek out and take responsibility for her own happiness.

    Much Love,

  264.  #264Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 6:53 am

    So much anger Ms. Barnes…I hope you break down the wall you’re holding it behind and really feel that anger. You are “taking pleasure” in his pain right now…that’s anger. Feel that anger, embrace it, unleash it in a healthy manner and you will find yourself in a beautiful place. Emotions held down and hidden only get worse. Eventually, it will all come out in some form…my guess is grief and dispair.

    Much Love,

  265.  #265Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Cassandra: I don’t want you to feel neglected here. 🙁 Sometimes we’re all so wrapped up in what’s going on with our own stories or side conversations in the works that we don’t respond to everyone. As you know…I am here for you and I am so incredibly proud of you. I seriously, seriously believe (and I’ve said this before) that you are going to find yourself in a wonderful place of growth and healing with this move of yours. I really am here for you…just sometimes get wrapped up in myself and what’s going on with me.

    Much Love,

  266.  #266Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 7:01 am

    WOW am I tempted to do a tough love rock solid boundary approach with Ms Barnes!!! Everything I said above, I believe…but DANG…I can’t stop feeling like I’m not quite done here. I’m just not sure I can do it in a way that doesn’t put Rori in a position to have to delete my comments. Hmmmm…..

  267.  #267heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 7:56 am

    Mercedes – so beautifully put, your message to Ms Barnes. I guess you’re feeling triggered too, hence feeling ‘not quite done’.

    It feels a challenge for me to navigate my responses as a woman with my responses as a th… (I don’t even want to say the word). I made my own boundary and use this blog for my personal growth.

    What I’m saying is – I feel you both as a coach and as a woman. It’s got me appreciating the pull in both responses in me. Response as in: what I choose to put out there.

  268.  #268heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 8:04 am

    I don’t feel a pull in opposite directions though… I’m exploring here in words… sensing, remembering how I respond in ‘real life’…

    I suppose it’s an energy thing. A shift. I feel a different energy for myself here. I feel like I’ve chosen to just respond to me, maybe that’s it.

    Gosh I feel tired. I’m enjoying a lazy afternoon on the sofa.

  269.  #269Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 8:20 am

    Heartbeat: Thank you so much! For me, I don’t feel too much of a pull either…but I do feel a need to restrain sometimes. I’m not yet comfortable with that, but I am working on it. I hope to one day find a balance I am comfortable with and that feels good to me. As for now, I am as authentic as possible but restraining when needed. I’m not sure that’s the best way for me to be, but like you, I am experimenting.

    Thank you so much for your comment…the “teacher” in me wants to come out, but the style I use isn’t necessarily an appropriate fit. Hopefully the words I’ve already chosen will be enough.

    I love your voice here…very, very much.

    Much Love,

  270.  #270heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 8:35 am

    🙂 yes I have that teacher thing going on sometimes too -not as much here, but I catch myself at it ‘out there’, give myself a wry smile, and, as they say in my city, reel my neck back in. The motivation for me came from feeling stressed and a bit lonely, even though I get excited about all sorts of things; and realised ‘something’s gotta give’. I wondered why some of my friends/family get lots of help and support whereas I was always giving it. Being an eldest child, and an only child for the first five years, seemed an explanation but didn’t help me change.

    This is an ongoing process for me – I love my curiosity about stuff, and I also recognise my need for warmth, rest, support and connection – so I notice I’m able to draw the line (mostly) these days. Kind of like giving up chocoalate, though…. xxxx

  271.  #271heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 8:39 am

    I didn’t feel any pressure coming from your comment to Ms Brnes, it didn’t feel ‘teachery’ at all, Mercedes. Just very objective yet powerful. I felt a lot of admiration.

  272.  #272Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Heartbeat!!! YAY!!! Thank you so much!!! You have no idea how much I needed that validation right now. I’ve been second guessing my words almost every time I post anything online these days. To the point where I even emailed one to a very good friend before I put it out here just to make sure the tone sounded right and it wasn’t going to be triggering in any way. I get a tight feeling in my tummy almost every time I post (except yesterday when we were goofing around about the Halloween costumes…that was sooo much fun!!) and I literally question myself on whether or not what I’m saying will come across in the way I mean it.

    You just made me smile big, big, BIG!!! I am very grateful for that!

    Much Love,

  273.  #273heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 8:57 am

    Gosh I didn’t realise you felt so cautious – I feel totally soppy now – hug!

    Triggering for me is just a fact of life – and yes I do worry about it sometimes. My way of dealing with this worry is to check in with myself – have I been authentic, am I telling the truth? I can be clever with words and though I don’t live by Martin Kippenburger’s dictum ‘better to lose a good friend than to suppress a snappy remark’ (lol) I can sometimes come up with something that amuses me but gives the wrong message.

    Oo… gotta dash… phone just went. This feels very interesting and inspiring. xxxx

  274.  #274Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Heartbeat: “Triggering for me is just a fact of life – and yes I do worry about it sometimes. My way of dealing with this worry is to check in with myself – have I been authentic, am I telling the truth?”

    I’m taking this approach as well. Most important to me is to be authentic. The caution right now is not at the expense of authenticity…just a little more restraining than I am comfortable with. But again…I am experimenting with finding my balance. 🙂

    Much Love,

  275.  #275TW on October 2, 2009 at 9:49 am


    I too was thinking of you… I thought about how sad and exciting all of this must be for you. It is going to hurt to be without Charles but you have made up in your mind that this is what you want to do so stick with it. He is going to come running with that ring. I have decided to leave my LI. This is just too much for me and he has no regards of my feelings so it is time for me TO LET HIM GO… He has been so weird lately and disappointing me all the time… I feel like something is wrong with him but it is not my place to ask him that. I have been there for him through thick and thin and it is time for me to be treated well and not treated like I am just there. He is selfish inthe way that he treats me and I am angry. My heart is telling me not to give up on a relationship with him but my mind is saying DUMB ASS… I feel disgusted for allowing myself to be treated in this manner but I wanted so much to please HIM that I forgot about ME and so did he. I do not know how it feels to be in love with him anymore. I am hurt and disgusted and turned off by him right now. I am goign to tell him the next time he calls. I know that I can not be friends with him either because I will never get over him if I do and I will fall back into that needy trap again.

  276.  #276heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Yeah I understand. It feels very interesting how we each have a different experience. It’s dawned on me that although I experience that restraint as relief, and a weight off my shoulders, it feel different at the moment for you as you experiment. And come to think of it (I’m ‘trying on’ the feeling of restraint as I type) I can remember times when I’ve felt restraint rather than relieved, and may still do so. My version feels like losing all one’s familiar clothes and finding oneself in someone else’s dressing-gown… no, that’s not quite right… well, it kind of is… (lol) actually I experience it as a tightening across the midriff and throat. More often, though, I feel release, and the thought that comes into my head is ‘oh great, I don’t have to say all that any more’. I used to feel I had to explain and justify myself at every turn, for fear of offending anyone. Mostly I find that fear is false, an old fear from a very long time ago.

    I love experimenting and I love that you are experimenting too, Mercedes. It feels playful 🙂 xxxx

  277.  #277laughing goddess on October 2, 2009 at 9:59 am


    I thought your letter to Mrs. Barnes via Rori was genius.

  278.  #278tinque on October 2, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Oh my. SO very much has happened, and here I am coming so late into the foray.
    First before I forget and get totally absorbed in what I’m about to say re Ms Barnes, I want to tell you Cassandra that you are loved here by me and by many others.
    It’s true I as does Miss M and probably more women here become (pre)occupied with self and others issues. You have not been forgotten.
    I hear you and feel your fear. It’s a natural feeling what you’re feeling. You are making HUGE changes in your life, taking BIG risks. Just know that when you take a step off into the abyss of the unknown, something, someone will be there so that you won’t fall. I think you are amazing and very brave. It’s easy for me to say you will be fine, great even, yet it’s true. I have every faith in you. xxoo

    Okay. Where do I start. Ms Barnes. I feel SO much anger, rage even coming from you. I don’t know what the source of that anger is. I don’t even know if it’s important to know.
    I applaud your man for sending you here. He sounds like a sensitive man, for most men would no take the time to read something like Rori’s blog.
    I suggest that you try to stay open to what is being said here. It has aspects of what you have been experimenting with anyway. As Miss M said what you call ignoring is really leaning back, giving him the space to come to you in a loving way.
    You seem to not want him to come to you though. Do you want him? Do you love him? If it’s been hell then why are you still there?
    We all need and crave closeness, affection, love and attention, and dare I say FABULOUS orgasms. (just so you know I’m the sexpert here). Are you getting any of this out of your relationship? Do you even want this from him, this man in your life right now? If not then I ask again, why are you still there? If you do then I suggest again you give Rori a chance, explore her site. She would be the best one to ask which entries would be the most useful to you immediately.
    All that said, I welcome you and hope you stick around.

  279.  #279Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Heartbeat: Yes…two very different experiences with restraint. You feel relief and I feel self-induced censoring. LOL….hopefully it will either begin to feel better or I will begin to loosen the restraints…whichever feels good to me at the time I suppose.

    laughing goddess: Thank you. I appreciate the words…as I struggled with how to say what I felt needed to be said.

    Tinque: You hit the nail on the head with your response to Ms. B. We think a lot alike…

    Much Love,

  280.  #280heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 10:43 am

    I second that totally! Well said, Tinque.

    What’s really grabbing my attention and getting me intrigued is the different ways Mercedes and Tinque put their message across, and I really love both ways. The words that just popped into my head are ‘non-judgemental’.

    I really struggled with words when I first learned the Rori Way, I felt very scrupulous. I inspected every text, email and blog comment, reviewed conversations and planned in advance.

    Suddenly I stopped doing that as I was driving myself crazy. Even though I write and speak a lot in my life, I felt clunky and awkward where I felt words could make or break a relationship; suddenly I wanted to throw off what felt like a heavy cloak. So now my words come easily (mostly).

    I got very triggered over the discussion about ‘style’ – which is what started me on today’s journey. It was just that word – style. I feel resistance to having a style, yet I’m no stranger to consciousness of my style – in clothes, in speaking, in words, the way I work, counsel etc. It has creative connotations too.

    Something was going on for me about feeling restricted by a style, or holding on to a style. When I try to hold on to anything it really messes me up, I get drained.

    I’ve made peace with myself now – ‘voice’ is what it feels like is being discussed. It feels so wonderful to hear different voices here.

    Finding my own voice. Yes, lots going on there.

  281.  #281heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 10:49 am

    Cassandra Redhead – cheering you on, darling! XXXXX

  282.  #282heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Mercedes, your struggle didn’t show in your words – they felt very natural to me. I appreciate the effort you put in. xxxx

  283.  #283tinque on October 2, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Thank you Heartbeat. I feel amusement (and I mean this is the most loving of ways, for I too have pondered this) over your struggle with the connotations surrounding style and what it means to you or doesn’t mean. For me style is a great word and so very non-restrictive. For me it’s a fluid thing, shifting and changing with the phases of the moon or a woman’s moods in a given situation.
    You my dear have a distinctive sound to your words, your style if you will, but I also feel your style morph in mood and energy depending on where you are and what you want to express.
    I LOVE your style.

  284.  #284heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 10:54 am

    I hope Ms Barnes appreciates it too.

    I hope Ms Barnes will come back and be supported.

  285.  #285heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Thank you, Tinque – lol! 🙂 xxxx

  286.  #286heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Crossed posts – I hope ms Barnes apprecaites Mercedes’ effort, not my style. Well ok, my style too … lol!

  287.  #287heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 11:04 am

    I’m feeling shy now. Time for a cup of tea and Corrie 🙂

  288.  #288tinque on October 2, 2009 at 11:13 am

    why shy? no need for bye bye. I tell no lie, teatime is nigh.
    what on earth is corrie?

  289.  #289Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 11:31 am

    Heartbeat: “Even though I write and speak a lot in my life, I felt clunky and awkward where I felt words could make or break a relationship”

    That is how I feel here sometimes. I’m getting better here…just trying to figure out what is best for both the blog and my own desire to be authentic. I hope everyone appreciates your “style”….lol…I know I do! 🙂

    I have learned to love my style…and I do feel like it is a style. I feel very free on my own blog to write exactly how I want to. I feel very free doing that in emails I respond to as well. As a matter of fact, there are very few places where I feel the need to be cautious and “censor” myself (for lack of a better word). For the most part…I still say what I need to even if the words are chosen very carefully. I’m learning that no matter how careful I am though, I still run the risk of triggering someone in a bad way (as in a way that shapes their perception of me rather than in a way that helps them grow and learn to work through that trigger). Maybe that perception will help me ease up on myself a little. I hope so.

    I want to know what corrie is too…

    Much Love,

  290.  #290heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 11:36 am

    Tinque that’s so funny lol! 🙂 love the rhymes!

    Corrie = Coronation St, the great British soap opera, on TV now (7.30pm here). For a great, vulnerable and lovable character, who is totally herself, see Becky. I love her.

    Sometimes I get shy when I get a compliment – I dunno why… not always, I just roll with it. It feels warm and fuzzy. I bask in it a while and then come back.

    Thank you for your lovely compliments, I’ve struggled so much with words, now I feel like I passed my driving test or something. Yay! xxxx

  291.  #291heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 11:50 am

    I love your blog, Mercedes, and yes it feels different here – for me, this a sort of ‘therapeutic community’ and I feel very grateful to have it. Except a therapeutic community has boundaries in time and space. Anything of that sort, a personal development group for example, is a place to get triggered and experiment and explore. It can feel really uncomfortable to shed my skins, but hell – if I can do it here, I can do it in my relationship. And I do -now.

    I love my man – I marvel at how great things are now between us. I feel like celebrating every day.

    I raise my glass to Siren Island! xxxxxxxxxx

  292.  #292tinque on October 2, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Oh Coronation Street. I know Coronation Street! I used to watch it when I lived in New Zealand. It took me a LONG time to be able to understand them, the accent, but then again it took me awhile to understand Kiwi.
    Have you ever watched Patricia Routledge is Keeping Up Appearances? I re-watched the series recently. Hysterical. K pointed out that I find her so entertaining because she’s just like my own mother and not even that exaggerated.
    If you haven’t see it, you must. Rent it.
    BTW – I do that a lot, the rhyming thing as well as alliteration. I so love words as you probably have noticed, and I have fun playing with them

    Mercedes – I understand the “censoring” feeling. I too read an reread my entries before posting. As far as I can see, you “state you case” cleanly, but you can’t account for how others may read what you write. It all depends where they are in their hearts and minds at that moment. That’s totally out of your control.
    So we get to talk things out here, clear up any misunderstandings as long as the parties involved are open and willing.
    Hope that helps.

  293.  #293Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Heartbeat: Thanks!! I love my blog too. I’ve been having so much fun with it. I’m experimenting there too (the boobie post was REALLY putting myself out there…faults and all and it was a touch scary…especially knowing men follow me as well). It has been a great experience so far though and I intend to keep it up.

    I’m very happy for you with regard to your relationship! It’s so awesome! Last night, J and I were talking about an issue that recently came up for us (me in particular, but it affected us as well) and I just felt compelled to tell him how incredibly grateful I am to have him in my life. He was curious why I brought that up now and I said “Because so many men would have handled this in a very different way than you did and you made me feel safe. I am grateful for that.” and he said “I handled it this way because I love you.” and I said “No…you handled it this way because you believe I love you. There is no bigger compliment than when you tell someone you love them and they believe you. If they have doubts, there will be jealousy and fear. If they don’t, there is only love in return.”

    I do love him so much. And I am very grateful.

    You have been encouraging me all day to stay me…and ensuring me you like it. You and so many others today alone. I am grateful for each of you. I think I’m inspired to post the whole story related to that conversation last night with J on my blog for my next post. It is very embarrassing (although Tinque is helping me move beyond that) and I think I might just take that chance and put it out there. How bad can it be? LOL

    Thank you ladies for being here today. I’m feeling so much better about posting. I could write all day…

    Tinque: That does help. A lot. You have been such a good friend to me…I am grateful.

    Much Love,

  294.  #294heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Patricia Routledge – lol – that’s the series in which she plays Hyacinth Bouquet (I think it was spelt Bucket, but she liked to pronounce it Bouquet) – yes it is very funny! If my mother was like Hyacinth I’d find it even more funny too. That’s so sweet!

    Edina in Absolutely Fabulous reminds me a bit of my mother when I was younger, only I’m not at all like Saffron, but have certainly been like Patsy in the past (I’ve mellowed – not so much fags and booze, and no picking up taxi drivers).

    LMAO!! 🙂 xxxx

  295.  #295heartbeat on October 2, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Mercedes I look forward to reading that post, or any new post you choose. I would really appreciate a supportive space to explore myself in an exclusive, long-term relationship. I have this space to experiment and learn also, though for some reason I don’t feel like writing about my relationship. Not in a ‘bad’ way, I get other stuff from here that has got me to where I am, and I like it here too. I don’t always comment, it depends where my energy is.

    It’s like learning a language – sometimes one just has to stop going to classes and go out and practice. Then come back for the specialist course in past parciples.

    Right – next episode of Corrie on now.
    Love goddesses xxxx

  296.  #296tinque on October 2, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    that’s the one, and her sisters our Violet, the one with a house big enough for a sauna and a pony; our Daisy and her husband Onslow; our Rose and her slew of misters all of whom she “loved’. Poor Richard.
    Absolutely Fabulous is great too. I should re-watch those as well.
    You crack me up.

    Mercedes – the feelings are mutual. nuff said. 🙂 well no it’s never enough. just like hugs and smooches.

  297.  #297Flipper on October 2, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Cassandra and TW – feels like synchronicity, one’s move and the other’s new job on the same day. I’ve been thinking of you too, wishing you both all good new things.

    Cass – have you seen the comment by Eileen Mary about tears on the ‘Another note from the universe’ thread? It’s really beautiful and may give you some comfort.

  298.  #298TW on October 2, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Hello ladies-

    Flipper- where have you been dear.. havent seen you post much lately. What’s going on? good things I hope. I don’t have my own computer at work yet so it is somewhat hard for me to follow the post until I do but you all know that I love you and I am not overlooking you all and posting to individual post. I jsut have to post when I can.

    Daria- Where are you
    Mercedes- hello my friend…
    Alias Girl- What up my party girl….
    Laura- hey girl
    Ann- What’s been up with you

    Cassandra- I am checking in on you tonight to see how you are making out. I wish that I could come and be there with you so we could have a slumber party and you would not be lonely. You could show me how to do those sexy Salsa moves that you know… I know that it is hard for you right now but I just want you to know that I love you and I am thinking about you always and you are forever in my heart. Keep your head up and your eye on the prize love. I pray for you and everyone else on here just as much as I pray for myself. You all are my sisters in Christ.

    I just wanted to let each and every one of you know that even though we go through our ups and downs with our men they are just that our ups and downs and they are something that is a part of us and no one has the right to judge that. I barely read the post that was sent out earlier basically bashing the site. This is a place for us to vent and be there for one another and no matter what Rori says and does it is her craft that she has built into an empire. Obviously she is doing something right if peopel are still buying her books and programs.


  299.  #299Ann on October 2, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    TW hello I’m trying to listen to local high school football game(while surfing the web) but my tv is being a butt(sound keeps going in & out). Thank you for asking about me it feels good to be thought of. How’s the new job?

    Cassandra did you get all your stuffed moved to your new place yet? I know how it feels to be missed in all the hustle and bustle of everyday lifes. I find for me sometimes it just helps to write it out. I pray for you to have lots and lots of feel good feelings soon. Take care.

  300.  #300nikita on October 2, 2009 at 8:40 pm



  301.  #301Uschi on October 3, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Reading over this post again (each time I read it I find something else) I got stuck on Erika’s post “Erika says:

    We’d also explore this question:

    – What does this situation remind me of from the past? (e.g., working hard for mom or dad’s attention, not feeling good enough to just “be” and attract attention and love, etc.)

    Then we’d clear whatever comes up with tapping.

    Erika I read and explanation about EFT just can’t figure out how to apply that to getting a relationship back on track. However you post triggered something else in me and that is how as a child I always felt like I was not good enough cause I was not the best student, didn’t bring home A’s or as it is in Germany Sehr Gut’s – grading is done on a scale from 1-6. Not only that I had red hair – was the only one in school with that and got regularly beat up for it – actually not really red more like a coppery gold – 2 years ago after getting in touch through a German website some former classmates got in touch with me and one of them mentioned how jealous they were of my hair color – that blew me away – anyway not only the hair but also the fact that my mother always dressed me in old fashioned stuff for school that she had altered to fit me. Some of it was clothes from her time when she was that age – so I was always an outsider and not “good enough” to be with my classmate or have friends – at least in my eyes and in my mothers eyes her daughter was too good to be with that trash – so I never felt like I belonged anywhere and that feeling of not being good enough I guess followed me till now. Kinda hard to shake that and maybe that’s why Dave got turned off too and now I wanna turn him back on. It’s hard to be for 55 years one way and thinking and feeling in one way and then to turn that around. I had a good job a few years back in a Mercedes dealership and made 40K a year but it fidnt last long and now I know why – cause I didn’t think I was good enough to make that much money though the job was easy and I did it well – I think I sabotaged it myself by leaving to start a flight school and with a crock to boot as business associate (never start anything with someone that has a title that starts with ass 😉 )
    I am angry that I spent half my life (planing on becoming at least a healthy 110 years old cause I love life) so blind so indoctrinated in my upbringing and not seeing what’s going on around me and how things could have been so much better had I followed my own feelings and was always told don’t do this or that cause it’s wrong and always listening to others. And then when I did what I felt was right it ended up in disaster – 2 marriages and business-wise. Guess you can spell my life INSECURITY. I am hoping that Rori’s tools really do work for me and a small success I have seen already and maybe I am being a bit impatient cause I want for things to move faster and for that to happen I know I would be leaning forward – can’t do that though – guess I am gonna smack myself upside the head every time I lean forward LOL.
    Anyway just sharing my thoughts. Let me know what you think.

  302.  #302Daria on October 3, 2009 at 6:27 pm


    EFT works in a way liek… well… if you heal the old trauma… your thoughts and energy rearrange on their own and you feel better in many many ways…

    sometimes you can feel the change right away, while it’s happening. Some times you feel nothing but realize that you are acting differently as you go about your life later. It’s all in all AMAZING.

    It’s one thing to describe and feels better to experience. I’ve personally been helped a lot by Erika and so have other people, I have been present witness to that.

    She does phone sessions.

  303.  #303Daria on October 3, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    TW –

    hey! Im here! I feel glad to be called out hehe…

    Im feeling good I have lots of dates and potential dates, my “driving to me” issue is still coming up and my boundaries on it are gelling nicely

    I find when I feel comfortable with my boundaries and loving my insecurities, I feel much more comfortable communicating the boundaries and I don’t really encounter triggers or resistance from men… even men that were previously offering me resistance and triggers

  304.  #304Uschi on October 3, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    I would love to talk to Erika on the phone just to find out more about it but at the moment and till I get a job again it just ain’t in my wallet or bank account. I just barely have enough to pay the few bills I have. But I have read from a free download that I found searching for EFT on Google. It all makes sense to me cause I have been interested in a lot of these kinds of things. Like a thought is like a radio wave. Someone thinks for example of a new invention but does’t do anything about it and a few month or a year later someone comes out with it. Radio waves take a sender and a receiver and all the thoughts ever thought are out there in the Universe. Coming from Germany I have also been much closer to things like acupuncture and other alternative medicine – Europeans are a lot more open to those things and also health insurances will pay for it unfortunately the US still has a lot to learn in that respect and the drug companies here are kind of blocking natural and alternative medicine cause they not gonna make the big bucks when something really easy come along like maybe EFT. Also I truly believe in mind over matter – they have spent millions on research and found that mind over matter at times works so much better if that person can really implement it – unfortunately mind over matter takes more time than a quick aspirin – I am not knocking medication in some cases it is really needed – also I feel herbal remedies are much better than all taht chemical stuff in your body – there is a herbal remedy called Schwedenbitter/Schwedenkraeuter that has been developed by some doc in the 14th or 15th century and he lived to be 104 years old and died falling of a horse. My daughter not too long ago had an abscessed tooth and the antibiotics (which I feel are over prescribed anyway and human kind is becoming immune it it) did not help at all. She started rinsing her mouth with Schwedenbitter.Schwedenkraeuter and within a few hours the swelling went down and they could pull the tooth 2 days later. I could say more about this particular herbal mix but it would take up 2 websites but if you want to know more about it I be happy to tell you about it. Unfortunately the Alte Handschrift – literal translation – old handwriting – that explains about it is all written in German and would take time to translate. But this stuff is good for many many many things even for every day consumption which the original doc used to do a tea spoon in the morning and one at night. 104 years old O plan on becoming a healthy 110 and will refrain from falling off a horse at that age.
    Anyway I am very open to alternative medicine or healing and what I read so far about EFT makes sense to me. Just learning to apply it will take me a while and I still have to figure out if there is a trauma or something in my life cause from what I read I have non of those and I am wondering if it would be just good for general purpose.

  305.  #305Daria on October 3, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    I know it. It’s called Swedish Bitter. The “little” Bitter can be found at some Whole Foods stores. It can also be ordered online. The recipe is also available and a dedicated herbalist could potentially make their own.

  306.  #306Daria on October 3, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Uschi –

    I thought too I had no trauma, but boy did I find out i had a LOT. Everyone seems to have some trauma. Triggers are caused because of past trauma. Trauma can be “little” things, not just big things like being beaten almost to death.

  307.  #307Daria on October 3, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    I had huge major trauma all my life from moving to the US. I healed that (last month) and my life has changed. I feel so much more emotionally pain free.

    I still have trauma from kids being mean to me in school.

    I remember you saying something about that too.

    etc etc

  308.  #308Paula on October 4, 2009 at 1:50 am

    I like this post SO much. It feels like such a caring community of women and somewhere I can learn a lot.

    I feel like I have a lot to learn. I’m thinking about circular dating and it feels kindof hard. My opportunity to practise (at the moment) is on an internet dating site. I get lots of emails from much younger guys and some much older guys too. Maybe this is common on the web?

    So I use feeling messages to say. ‘I feel flattered that you think I’m pretty’. ‘I feel cautious about meeting you because you are so much younger’ – things like that. I seem to hurt them (maybe) when I say that as I don’t hear anymore.

    I really don’t think I want a long term relationship with a guy 20 years younger or older than me. But should I stay open to meeting them to learn something from the experience? It’s so new for me not to view a date as a potential partner.

    Have a good day everyone – at least it’s the start of a beautiful Sunday here.

  309.  #309Flipper on October 4, 2009 at 4:35 am

    Paula – if you remember that this isn’t about Him, but about You ? (These guys obviously expect they’ll get something from you, but that’s their stuff, so there’s no point in questioning their opinion . Your ‘feelings’ may’ve felt like judgments or ‘no’ – no wonder they don’t come back). When I actually meet a guy in person, that’s when I can learn his message for Me. Maybe the Universe is sending you guys with extreme age differences so you learn what exactly you want and don’t want in age-related matters? Such as, the energy and spontaneity of youth, but not their lack of financial situation or worldliness? Better manners from an older man, but not the lack of sex-drive (or rigid role models about sex). Or maybe it’s just that age doesn’t mean a fig to you, personally, if the rest of the person has what it takes. I feel glad that you feel interested in taking circular dating baby-steps by dating men.

    It often feels overwhelming for me to keep up with the blog, but I try to read almost everything on it sooner or later, so I’m empathizing and encouraging from afar. I have noticed that Rori’s posts and emails often deal with a subject recently mentioned by the Sirens, even if she doesn’t give a them a direct response in a particular thread. When I’m feeling frustrated or disappointed about about the lack of reactions to someone’s problem, I realize that that preoccupation is often being addressed by Rori elsewhere. So now I ‘reframe’ my question from ‘why isn’t anyone answering this poor girl’? to “where else might I see the answer ?” and I usually find it in the most recent blog posts or email newsletters, where it can be developed more fully and with pertinence for everyone.

    I’m afraid some people kind of limit themselves to one thread, there’s just so much to read, but if we’re stuck for time, I’d encourage everyone to at least read all Rori’s main posts fairly soon, even if you don’t have time to read all the comments. I like to take all Rori’s posts Personally, especially the ones the may trigger me or feel the most irrelevant – I feel that’s where I have the most to learn.

  310.  #310tinque on October 4, 2009 at 8:35 am

    FYI – Another note about Swedish Bitters, not only is it wonderful internally eg. upsest tummy, it’s really good on the skin, healing eg. rash or insect bite, and it’s also fabulous for break outs, spot treating a pimple or used as a toner for an oilier skin as a preventative. Can also be used instead of an anti-biotic cream as on a boo boo cut.

  311.  #311alias girl on October 4, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    flipper – xoxo 🙂

    yes sometimes i feel bad when someone doesn’t get responded to. it happens to everyone. for me the situation was a great way to work through being triggered! i feel comforted by what you wrote.

    there is so much information on this site. if someone is not personally being ‘answered’ or responded to maybe it is an opportunity to poke around other posts or other areas of the site.

  312.  #312Cassandra on October 4, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    HI All…..Just a super short update and a thank you for all of the support and love that I have felt. I am indeed now into my own place. Moving was absolutely hell in that C was more ugly than I ever could have imagined but I did make it thru all of that and I I lieterally cried for 3 days off and on. I am exhausted in every way. Yesterday I felt overwhelmed….we finished getting things into my place and C and his nephew left to go do something but he said he would call me and come back later to help me get the rest of my clothes. I had to go back to the house to get them and then bring them back and up 3 flights of stairs. He never called and never came back to help. One of my very dear friends here – who is an absolute GODSEND called me to check on meall through out the day and then asked me if I would go out with her last night and she ended up taking me to dinner and we talked for 2 hours and had a great dinner. She was truly a HUGE blessing to me last night…my first nite in my new place and I am not sure how I would have gotten thru last night if it were not for her. I feel so so thankful for her.

    Today…I did pretty well until Charles called me around 7 to ask me tocome and hang out with him and his nephew towatch a football game. I was FLOORED! I was on my way bakc to the house to do a load of laundry so I didn’t go but I was floored that HE called ME to ask ME to hang out with HIM. He has made it so crystal clear this past year that ….well…in his own words….”YOU DO NOT MATTER TO ME and I don’t want to be bothered with YOU!”…..can you see whay I was so stunned that he called me? I am still kind of reeling from that. Oddly enough…I did NOT go. That feel super surprising to me…I would have though that if he called I would have jumped at the opportunity to hang out with him but I said no and went about my business. I feel super surprised by that andI also feel proud of that.

    I am sorry that I am so far behind in reading the posts…I will try to catch up tomorrow if I can. I feel supportive of the work that everyone here is doing and I feel deeply thankful for Rori and this blog. Love to all.


  313.  #313Ann on October 4, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Cassandra I feel happy for you that you have such a loving, supportive friend. I hope you have fun making your new place your home.

    I feel proud for you that you didn’t run to Charles when he called and you felt fine with your decision not to go.

    Much happiness vibes being sent to you.

  314.  #314tinque on October 4, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    loving hugs and a huge BRAVA to you Cassandra…

  315.  #315Vicki Kerns on October 5, 2009 at 4:33 am

    Good for you Cassandra. It’s so difficult sometimes when men feel so cold and distant. I’d love to be a little mouse in their brain sometimes just to see how their wheels are turning because it’s very confusing. Hang in there!

    I had another weird weekend at the Ren Fest. My male friend’s ex-girlfriend has a shop at the Ren Fest. She treated him like crap while they were dating and of course he was in love with her. They broke up and basically quit talking. When he and I got together, every time he would tell me a story about her, it would be about something crappy that she had done to him. And yes, I would get upset and think, “I would never do that to him.” And he wouldn’t talk about her a lot but I knew something was still there in his heart. (Yep, I should have turned and run then.)

    So, a year passes and awhile back he found out that she had gotten married to the man she dumped him for. And she didn’t tell him (but then again, I couldn’t figure out why he’d expect his ‘ex’ to call him up and say, guess what? So he’s all adamant about it and saying he’s not going to keep his props at her shop anymore, etc. Well, a week into festival she calls him asking for his help. Her mother was gravely ill and she needed someone to watch her shop. So, yep, you guessed it. He watches her shop for her. Her mother passes away and he watched the shop for her the next week. She’s back now but now he’s over at her shop all the time again and I’m sure he’s keeping his stuff there again. And I’m betting it’s worse for him now because he ‘really’ can’t have her. And the first week of festival, he was Mr. Attentive to me. He stopped by my house and brought me a DVD. He came by our stage the first night and helped up put up some shading cloth. And stopped by several times the next day to see if we needed anything. But when SHE called him, wham!, he was off like a shot. Of course, when he told me he was going to help her, I said, “Where’s her family. Great. You going to let her use you again. Sucker!” I’m sure he didn’t appreciate that, but what the hell!

    Since that first week, he hasn’t called me in the last 3 weeks (and he always calls at least once or twice), but he’s Mr. Friendly at the festival. On Saturday morning, I saw him down in her shop finishing putting his costume stuff together. It just really pissed me off that he’d be so gullible (but then, look who’s talking, I know). So awhile later, he came by our stage as he always does. I was hanging up some signs in back, and he started jabbering on about something and I just gave him the cold shoulder. Kind of, “Yeah, uh huh, great.” Looked at him once. He left in a hurry and I didn’t see him the rest of the day (he always comes by about 3 times), or almost all of yesterday. Toward the end of the day, I was in our pub talking to my niece and friend and here he comes all friendly and talkative. So I stood there and chatted with him for a few minutes and it was like nothing was wrong.

    So here’s the weird part, up in the afternoon, I was sitting out on our stage in the sunshine waiting for our show to start and I see this woman coming down the lane. I thought, that looks like her (the ‘ex’). She walked up toward the stage and stopped a ways from it and just stood there and looked at me for a minute. Then she turned and walked away. Now what the hell was THAT all about? Hey, maybe now he’s griping to her about ME.

    My friends and family tell me to forget him, move on, etc., but you ladies know just how difficult that is. When you love someone so deeply, you can’t just ‘forget.’ It’s not that simple. That’s why Rori’s tools are so helpful. Baby steps, Vicki, baby steps.

  316.  #316Uschi on October 5, 2009 at 7:46 am

    just let him go and by the way which ren fest is that I am going to the one near Annapolis MD on Oct 17th. Hope things will work out for you.

  317.  #317Cassandra on October 5, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Ann….TW…Tinque…Vicki…thank you so much for your posts. I feel such a deep appreciation for your support and input and I feel so much respect for each of you. Thank you. I am feeling kind of bad right now in that I am soooooo far behind in these posts I don’t feel that I have the energy right now to catch up. I feel sad in that I want to know what everyone is up to and dealing with but I feel a bit ‘frozen’ in my own dealing with my move and my time limitations. It feels a bit overwhelming to go thru each post right now and even personally I am so overwhelmed with trying to get settled and unpacked that I feel a bit immobilized. Have you ever felt as though had so much to do that you could not do anything?

    Ann….last night when Charles said that he had called to invite mt o hang out with him and his nephew it did not even hit me right away that I had turned him down. I did not realize that I had even said no – I guess I was operating on auto pilot perhaps? I felt kind of shocked that I did turn him down once I realized that I had done that. it felt really surprising to mes as I have been wanting for so long for HIM to want to hang out with ME and here is the opportunity and I say no?! That felt huge to me and in a distant feeling way…it felt empowering. He did call me last night to say good night and that felt wonderful as I did not expect to hear from him. The 2nd thing however out of his mouth was something ugly about me taking the TV converter box and him not being able to watch TV. He made a very racial comment that was as vile as it gets and that took the wind of the sails of him calling to say goodnight. I did the little toxicity test in Toxic Men today and he was off the charts in the TOXIC department. Can you say red blinking lights?! lol It felt good to see it on paper as I had been feeling that perhaps I was too demanding or asking too much. I realize now that I am none of those things at least where he is concerned.

    I met my Stranger the other day and what an experience that was. She was so filled with rage and anger that I felt a bit afraid of her but all of that rage and anger all came from a place of such debilitating pain that when she was yelling at me – I simply took her in my arms and hugged her…telling her that I FINALLY hear her…I am FINALLY here for her and even though I am now in charge..I WILL listen to her and acknowledge her. It left as though she fell apart and just wept in my arms. I cried for at least an hour or more over that entire experience and now when I feel that anger, rage, hurt, neglect, etc….i am really trying to acknowledge her.

    Daria…i think that lightbulb finally went on about really LOVING your emotions….the good and the darker ones. When I first met her she was honestly not pretty at all but when I was getting ready to leave she had softened so much and looked markedly different…lighter….prettier…softer and she looked relieved.

    I feel so much better that I can’t put that into words. I have to run and get unpacking again but wanted to touch base. I am sending love to all…including my Stranger.


  318.  #318Cassandra on October 5, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    OOOps! Vicki…I forgot to address your post…..It would feel wonderful to know that you are focusing TOTALLY on YOU and what makes you feel great. if he comes around then great…then he may possibly deserve your energy but for now…..I bet it would feel wonderful to focus completely on YOU. I know that it is so much easier said than done but I am working on this too. We can help one another. I send you love, hugs and lots of support. TW….YOU TOO LOVE!!


  319.  #319alias girl on October 5, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    cassandra i feel happy and relieved you are moved. i feel so grateful also that you had a friend by you that night. i feel very very supportive and very happy you are moving in directions that feel good to you.

    hello to your stranger. i know i have met parts of myself that i was like whoa well hello! funny thing is i actually felt empowered knowing i had so much powerful rage in me. and now i feel like that part of me isn’t unconsciously running my life like it used to.

    i feel grateful.

    i feel grateful.

    veryvery. like utter relief. for myself. whenever my mind slips for a second to my past or what i feel i “escaped” from i just feel so grateful. and for me it doesn’t matter what it took because where i am now is such a happier, kinder, more open, receiving and genuinely giving place.

    i feel so beyond relieved. i can’t even begin to express it.

    “It doesn’t mean much
    It doesn’t mean anything at all
    The life I’ve left behind me
    Is a cold room
    And sweet
    Sweet surrender
    is all i have to give” – Sarah Mcglaughlin

  320.  #320heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Alias Girl, I love this – “hello to your stranger. i know i have met parts of myself that i was like whoa well hello! funny thing is i actually felt empowered knowing i had so much powerful rage in me. and now i feel like that part of me isn’t unconsciously running my life like it used to. ” and I’m glad your comment came through to my email because I’m catching up and wanted to say

    to Cassandra I love your stranger too! And you inspired me to visualise mine and bring her to life. I haven’t done this in a long time. She’s very tall (I’m short) and covered in seaweed-like fabric and shells. A little scary but magical. I feel supportive of your amazing move.


  321.  #321Uschi on October 5, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    Stranger? Stranger? Is there a stranger within me? I am on my way to find out – small discoveries though to start with – still waiting for light bulbs to fire off – “The Stranger within me” – sounds like a title for a book – Rori – think about that for your next e-book or maybe The Stranger within him” maybe even use both of them LOL

  322.  #322Daria on October 6, 2009 at 3:00 am

    Uschi –
    the stranger exercise is in the Toxic Men program

  323.  #323Uschi on October 6, 2009 at 5:49 am

    don’t have that but even though knowing just Rori’s e-book and this blog it seems there are things I discover or at times rediscover cause especially reading this blog brings up things I haven’t thought about for a long time almost like forgotten – yet they seem to have an effect – still learning and discovering though.

  324.  #324Cassandra on October 6, 2009 at 11:31 am

    AG….thank you thank you thank you! I felt so much love and unconditional support when I read your post and it touched me. Thank you for that. Right this very moment, I feel proud not in a puffed up way but simply proud of what a HUGE and SCARY step I took and gosh…I am still standing! Whew. I am trying to focus on taking it minute by minute and when I get into that invariable ‘panic’ mode I am either calling a girlfriend or running (literally) to the car to get either my Re-Connect (top focuson the part about ME not HIM) or my Toxic Men and then allow Rori to build me up in those moments. I feel as though I am grasping for anything I can find to hold on to but so far it is working and I am finding myself in a lot more ‘hey I feel ok’ moments that I had thought that I would. That feels good.

    I also did Lisa Steadman’s Monday night call last night – she is the coach that focuses on break-ups and getting yourself back together after all of that. The call was WONDERFUL and I cannot say enought great things about her work and that call! Rori…thanks for having her on here! Wonderful! I honestly feel that every where I turn there is some sort of support whether it be something like that call last night or a girlfriend or one of my favorite shows or even having to teach tonight so I am not home alone each nite crying on the floor with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. LOL

    AG…I love what you said here…..’and for me it doesn’t matter what it took because where i am now is such a happier, kinder, more open, receiving and genuinely giving place.’ I feel that same way. it would have been nice if we didn’t have to go thru so much pain to get there – although I am still so far from where I need and want to be but I will get there – but I do feel thankful to be where I am now in this moment.

    Heartbeat….thanks to you too for your post your support and love. You all have helped me more than you could ever know so thank you for that. I actually spent some more time with my stranger last night before the call that I was on and when I first saw her she was so much softer than the very first time I saw her and so much more open. Though she was still filled with rage and anger and so much deep deep hurt and abandonment…she WAS more open. She cried as she told me that I had let her down in not listening to her when all she was trying to do was care for me or warn me of things. Interestingly as she was telling me all of that… inner little girl showed up as well. She too had those same feelings of abandonment, neglect, deep deep hurt and that feeling of ‘I don’t matter’. going thru Toxic Men now…..WOWOWO!!!! Can I ever see the reason that I have been in the relationships that I have been in. My Stranger is most of the things that Charles is/ was and there you have it. Now it is so clear. All three of us wept, talked, hugged and did it all over again until I left them to get on that call. When I left they were together and I now have a deep feeling that no matter what….WE will be ok. In everything that I have encountered even just in my day today, I am thinking of both of them as they are a part of me and I no longer feel afriad of my Stranger’s characteristics and I want to protect that little girl within me. I feel so so tired in every way but I also know that with all that has transpired in this last week that would make sense. I feel as though I have grown in leaps and bounds all within one week. I think that I can even say that I love my Stranger…I could not say that even a week or two days ago so that in itself is something for me to celebrate. AG…I too now feel deeply deeply thankful.

    Sending love and hugs to all…..

  325.  #325tinque on October 6, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Oh so AWESOME Cassandra. My heart is grinning for you.

  326.  #326Tracy on October 7, 2009 at 3:50 am

    Awesome….I feel so happy for you and i am inspired by the growth and passion and change of self……
    I feel glad that you are making progress and i feel the love you have for yourself for the world….Hugs….and keep loving You no matter what…..Hugs!

  327.  #327TW on October 7, 2009 at 4:25 am

    Hello ladies-
    I have been to busy to post lately and I am on my way to work now but I will post and tell you all about my date later. I had a great time… Cassandra… Love you girl… Later!!!! Have a great day everyone…

  328.  #328Cassandra on October 7, 2009 at 7:29 am

    Tinque, Tracy and TW….thank you so so much for your beautiful messages. It feels wonderful to have the kind of support that I find here. Thank you all for that.

    TW….I feel excited to hear about your date and how YOU felt about all of that. I feel hopeful that you had a great time and a wonderful evening. I love you too and send you a HUGE hug!!

    Love to all….

  329.  #329TW on October 7, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Cassandra and all of my other ladies-

    I have been so busy these last few days that I have not had time to post but anyway my weekend with my date was more that I could have ever asked for. He is so kind and so respectful and I have so much fun when I am with him it is crazy. He treats me like a woman should be treated and he is 11 years older than I am and maybe that is the difference. He does all of those little things that I want my LI to do. I have known the guy that I went on a date with for a few years and we have been the best of friends but there is something different that I like about him. It is weird you know. I love the way that I feel when I am around him. I wish my LI would treat me half as well as the other guy does. I miss my LI very much but I can not help but to wonder if it is time for me to just give up on him. he jsut seems to not be interested in me any more. He tells me that he loves me but he has not shown me in a long time. Things got better between us for a while and then it got bad again. I wonder if I am latching on to the new guy because he provides something for me that my LI does not. He is a man that I could see myself with though. I feel confused as to whether or not I need to give up on my LI and focus on my happiness. I am doing that right now by dating others but dating has led me to a good man but he just got out of a relationship and is not ready to be in anything serious which I understand but I am still attached to my LI so I know that I am not ready either so I have just chosen to enjoy his company for right now and see how everything goes. his kisses are so soft and it was the sweetest moment that I have had in a long time.

    Cassy… I am so glad that you are finding your way and getting to know you. That makes all the difference in any relationship for a person to know what makes them happy and is willing to please themselves. You keep up the good work and I will keep praying for you my love.

  330.  #330Uschi on October 11, 2009 at 7:14 pm


    just reading your post on Mr. Painman – good name for him – and I have gone through similar things – a few years back I had an experience where I was standing in front of a man in the supermarket here in a checkout line and I felt repulsed and I had to step away and I went to another cash register – it started when I felt the hair in the back of my neck to literally stand up and I felt watched, I felt danger and evil around me – he only had like 2 items and was out before I was out and then followed me, his car was 3 down from mine. He followed me after I drove off but peeled away when he saw me approach the close by police station and vol fire department – I just had a real bad feeling so I took that small detour and I didn’t want him to know where I live either. 3 weeks later there was a report on TV about a rapist being caught and they showed his picture.
    I feel humans have a very good intuition system build in – some are more aware of it as others – and we need to get in touch with it. I have had very good intuitive sense and have learned to follow my intuition cause many times I didn’t and went wrong. My friends are oftentimes astonished when I tell them that a person is not a friend or not right for them etc and later they come to me and say you were right.
    That is also the reason why I am learning Rori’s tools cause I was never able to see myself with my 2 X’s growing old, but I see it with my current man and thats why I am trying to keep things together and learning Rori’s tools cause I feel even though we are having problems right now they can be overcome and worked out especially now that I know Rori’s tools and as stated above at the very beginning I am seeing small positive results.

  331.  #331tinque on October 12, 2009 at 7:26 am

    Uschi – I just wanted you to know that I’ve been following your story and your progress, and you HAVE been taking those big strides you asked for. The shift in your energy in such a shirt time is lovely to watch. BRAVA

  332.  #332Uschi on October 12, 2009 at 12:44 pm


    I am glad for your comment and that you feel I have made some progress. For me at the moment it is very hard to judge that cause he isn’t here so I am not getting any feedback so to speak or see results. I have tried to take some dates with other men for circular dating but must honestly say they are all a turn off. I just can’t get attracted to any man that doesn’t respond to at least a smile or eye contact and it is difficult to do what Rori said with the 5 sec eye contact because even if I (in my mind) count one thousand, two thousand etc till five thousand and hold it it is usually him who brakes it off. Not sure if I am not doing it right or what.


    question: When he gets back – how should I be? I feel going to him and greeting him and letting him know that I am happy he is back is leaning forward also I am not sure if that other woman was there or not. Actually I don’t care in a way cause I feel I will again have more time here with him at home and now knowing your tools I can most likely outgirl and outgodess her even though she is about 20 years younger that I am unless you is reading your blog too or has your tools. Also my intuition tells me that he is starting to lean away from her. When he left he kissed me (mouth) just a peck but a heck of a lot more than for a long time and also waved with his coffee mug from the van – probably spilling his coffee LOL.
    At the same time I am finding myself angry because I was not included in this trip or the last one to FL. I am finding that I feel humiliated because all his friends know I am here at home and that he has (had) that other woman. So I was thinking that when the situation arises I am going to tell him that I feel angry and humiliated and that I don’t want to be shut out any longer without mentioning this woman at all. However, I don’t want to do that the moment he gets home. I do after all look forward to him returning and I feel that maybe both of us have gotten some distance to the negativity that was here before. So in a way it may be a fresh start for me knowing your tools better now.
    Before you and the lesson on over-functioning I would have tried to have a nice dinner ready or something else nice. Not gonna do that.
    He always says that he is re-entering the world when he comes home from the boat, he is not very happy here for whatever reason (work day to day us etc or maybe reflecting also on his past and what he lost when he comes here – former job that paid a lot more and other things – maybe this place is a reminder on what he lost or his failures and what he could have had) so in a way I feel something needs to be different. And I would like it to be so without me doing to makie it different. Not sure if you understand where I am coming from. It’s a bit difficult to make changes in the environment here without doing.
    I am looking forward to the moment he gets home, knowing that the first thing he will do is throw his laundry into the washer and empty the van.
    Should I just stay upstairs and wait for him to get his butt up to me, should I go downstairs and greet him, or just stay in my room being feminine awaiting his masculinity to come to me? If I stay in my room I think he’ll just come and say “I am back” and if that happens then go to him and say “Glad your are back” or just totally not do anything and let him come back wondering why I am not following him even though after the initial “I am home” he’ll most likely walk away doing whatever.

    Please give me some advice here cause I am at a loss on how I should be when he gets back.

  333.  #333Terrance Thames on October 12, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Hi Uschi-“I just can’t get attracted to any man that doesn’t respond to at least a smile or eye contact and it is difficult to do what Rori said with the 5 sec eye contact because even if I (in my mind) count one thousand, two thousand etc till five thousand and hold it it is usually him who brakes it off.”

    I don’t feel you are doing anything wrong here. If a guy doesn’t respond to a smile or eye contact, there could be a few things goin on. The guy could be not confident enough to risk rejection, not present and aware, taken, or he may not be attracted. All of these things are his stuff not yours….That said if you wanted to make it more obvious try looking at him for 2-5 secs then look away and look back. Thats a huge green light for any guy. If he doesn’t respond then it might be a little easier to determine the reason why….Hope this helps

  334.  #334Cassandra on October 15, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    TW…thanks Love for the prayers. You have been on my mind and I wanted to let you know that. I feel hope that all is going well for you and I send you much love and lots of hugs.


  335.  #335TW on October 15, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Cassandra… I have missed you… Things with my li have gotten worse not better. He has become so distant. Last week he started coming back to me because I was leaning way back but I did not know how to accept him back. He wanted to make love to me but I couldn’t and wasn’t ready. I wanted to be with him but the pain took over my body. I asked him could we talk and he said that he would come over several times but wouldn’t show uo because I think he knows what I’m going to say. I told him that I felt fed up and that I was tired of pulling an imaginary relationship by myself and that I deserved better. I had to do this by letter because I could not hold it any longer. I am however dating someone else and he puts a smile on my face but my heart is somewhere else.

  336.  #336Cassandra on October 16, 2009 at 7:41 am

    TW….I feel so sad that YOU are feeling so sad. I know that it hurts so much to know that he is NOT stepping up but if you go back and read your posts, he has never really stepped up for you…ever. I felt happy to know that you KNOW that you DO deserve better because you DO! I feel happy that you are dating someone else and I feel hopeful that your heart is open to that man and others that are out there too…I would feel nervous about closing that door and only dating that one man. I know how hard it is to walk away as I am living the same thing although I am the one that has not set my boundaries correctly and I see that now. It feels good to acknowledge that. I feel as though we are taught so many things in life that few of us will ever use….calculus, certain science subjects, that kind of stuff yet so many of us have never been taught about boundaries. I have literally been IMMERSING myself in Toxic Men and I mean that in 2 ways…..1)Immersing myself literally in toxic men in my life (for my entire life)and I do mean that literally and 2) …now immersing myself in Rori’s Toxic Men Program and WHOA BABY!!!! Am I ever learning alot and it feel so great. I kind of feel like a child in a toy store in that I just can’t wait to play (use) with these new toys(tools). This feels so profound for me and as though it is a leap forward for me in light years! WOOOOHOOOO! I can’t believe that I never learned this stuff earlier in life and gosh I wish that someone would have taught me this stuff when I was little!! I am FINALLY starting to say ‘NO’ and telling people how I feel about things and walking away from situations that don’t feel good to me. I don’t feel that I am where I want to be with regard to Charles but I am getting there. I am writing down a list of some of the horrible, terrible, mean awful things that he has done to me and said to me so that when I feel that missing him feeling and wanting us to be back together and for things to be ok with ‘us’….I will remember why this man is NOT good for me. I tend to lose sight of that when he is acting ‘nice’ and presenting that ‘good’ side of himself…all of the crap goes right out the window and I need to write it all down so that I can read it outloud to myself and remind myself that I am the ONLY ONE that can protect my inner little girl and that I am the ONLY ONE that can hear my stranger and what she is trying desperately to tell me. Right now, in this moment…I feel good…I feel strong…I feel deserving of wonderful things and treatment and can lean waaaaaaay back but yesterday and the day before…not so much. I wanted so much to hear his voice, be back in the old ‘good’ routine but HELLO!!!! There is no ‘good’ routine if you are being mistreated in any way shape or form. Just like you TW…I was ignored and neglected and it hurt like hell but I finally get that I was the one that didn’t walk away. Looking back even though it is not even that far back LOL….I feel now like I may as well have said to him….”ok Charles…I am going to go out into the backyard and grab as many of the little stones around the pool as I can carry and you meet me out there in 10 minutes and you can throw them at me until you get bored.” I FINALLY get that I was not only the one literally allowing him to hurt me but I was standing there..,.staying there and taking it! So many people would tell me that but you don’t REALLY get it until YOU GET IT! IS this making sense to anyone? I feel as though a ten ton brick has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe again. I feel like a child with a new toy! The light swtich has been turned ON! That does not mean that I don’t still miss him or want things to be the way they were supposed to have been when i first came here but REALITY is that NONE of that was real. Even now with HIM..with Charles…I have been using my brand new shiny boundaries…just out of the box and you know what?! HE is the one calling. HE is the one asking ME to go out and do stuff. HE is the one checking on ME (I am not feeling well at all…bad cold.) and HE is the one asking ME if need anything! HELLO!!!!! HE has not done any of that since right after I got here. Perhaps there is a chance that things can change for us and if that happens, I would be thrilled but I am not holding my breath for that to happen as so many things would need to change drastically for me to be ok going back to him and to our home. I don’t know if he would be willing to make those changes but that is really not my concern. I have to be focused on ME and fixing ME. So…I am focused on my business and on what makes ME feel good and that in itself is a HUGE thing for me.

    TW…Do you have the Toxic Men Program? If not…I would get it as soon as you can. it has truly helped me so much. Your LI tells you all the time that he is going to do this or that and call or come over and doesn’t follow through but like I was the one allowing Charles to abuse me (I don’t know why I could not see that until now but I just feel thankful that I see that NOW! Better late than never!) you are allowing him to let you down. I feel kind of afraid that that may have come across feeling harsh and I want you to know that that is soooooo not how it is meant at all. I finally get what everyone around me has been trying for so long to tell me and I want that light bulb to go for you too Love! I want you to be so happy that you are overflowing with light and joy each day and not feeling sad because your LI has not called or come over. He lets you down consistently as a matter of fact he lets you down more than he has ever stepped up from what I have seen and you deserve so much better than that. I feel so hopeful that things are going to turn around for you and that YOU will be the one to totally walk away from your LI and make space in your life for that man that WILL step up. That is what I am trying to do as well. I love you Lady and send you so much love!


  337.  #337TW on October 16, 2009 at 8:10 am


    This will be short because I am at work but I understand what you are saying totally and I put that in my letter to him that I felt that I let him walk all over me and stood by and let him for fear of losing him. There was no reason that I should have let him treat me like that. Maybe the letter will wake him up and maybe it will not but when I was leaning way back he came to me but I was not ready for him to be there at that moment. I want to be with him but I can not be with him without the love and the respect that I deserve.

  338.  #338Cassandra on October 16, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    TW….I feel that it speaks volumes that were not ready to be there for you at that moment although for me….reading that he wanted to come over and wanted to make love to you felt icky to me…it felt to me like all he wanted was sex and that to me felt awful. I am trying so hard to make sure that what I do is about me and not trying to get some sort of reaction or any certain response from Charles but simply doing/ saying in feeling messages what feels good to me. I was talking to a friend today about all of this and it feels so awful that weekends used to scare me because he was going to be home and although I so looked forward to that…I also always felt scared about what was going to happen and it feels good to not feel that way but by the same token now I feel uncomortable with weekends coming because I don’t have good friends here yet to go hang out with and do fun stuff and I feel like I have sometimes too much time on my hands and I end up THINKING about things. I want to get involoved and get busy so that I really am busy in doing things that make me feel good and enrich my life. I want my focus to be on ME and not on him or ‘us’.

  339.  #339TW on October 16, 2009 at 1:06 pm


    Sex is my LI way of really saying that he is sorry and trying to get back in good with me. I love him a lot but I also have to love me. I always just let him back in so easily without making him take care of my needs instead of me taking care of his. That is what my whole letter was about. I know that a power speech is supposed to be done face to face but he did not give me the option to get that done. I am not in the mood to chase him down but I wanted him to know what I needed to say. I know he knows that I do not want this anymore and that is why he failed to return my phone call because his fear is that I will really leave but he is not willing to do what it is I need for me to stay. I can not imagine my life without him but right now I can not live my life with him. I guess it is up to me to show him that I am for real this time but the good thing about that is that I have started seeing someone else and he treats me like I want to be treated.

  340.  #340Mariah on November 6, 2009 at 7:19 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have been dating a man for about four months now and the very first few weeks he did everything right. He was there pursuing me very passionately, then for some reason he completely took a turn- as if it was a completely different man.

    I spoke to him about it and brought to his attention and we decided to continue dating and see what will happen. Well, I backed off and started to date other man as well as per your advice. For a brief time he was coming forward but now again, he felt into his routine. He only communicates with me via email- which annoys me very much! He treats me as if I am his boss. He will give me a complete report of his day –from beginning to end in details, but won’t make an effort to call or see me. I am VERY frustrated and tired and want to end this relationship. He went away on a conference for two weeks but came back to town twice for few days each time, NOT once he called me but yet he emailed me from the airport which is seven minutes from my house.

    Rori- what to do here? Is this worth it? I don’t feel it is at all and I don’t like being treat it with so little regards.


  341.  #341TW on November 6, 2009 at 7:25 am


    You just answered your own question. You said you do not feel as though it is worth it so why bother with it then. You are dating other men. I wasted a lot of time on one man off and on for 8 years and when I let that go I met an awesome guy that treats me like a princess. If you have not purchased Rori’s ebook you would need to start there and you will know what direction to take.

  342.  #342Mariah on November 7, 2009 at 5:41 am

    Thank you TW! but my decision has been made and I am ending this the very next time I see him. I do not wish to change anyone and he is taking someone elses space….someone that can treat me as I should and deserve to be.


  343.  #343TW on November 7, 2009 at 11:06 am


    I wish you the best of luck because I was recently where you are. I let the negative relationship go asnd now I am in one that feeds my soul. We are taking it one day at a time but there are some beautiful days. Love you girl… You have so many sisters here.

  344.  #344Mariah on November 8, 2009 at 7:48 am

    Thank you TW…and all the best to you!!!


  345.  #345Sher on December 7, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    I love the sweetness of this original post, how touching it was for her to have her man carry her vacuum cleaner. It’s rich with being in the moment. Leaning back takes such practice! In thinking through the tools Rori shares, I do think she was right to stay leaned back and to not give a hug or kiss in ‘gratitude.’ I picture her as the fountain Rori describes and him pouring a little into her, and she was attentive and open (listening and being present) and receiving what he gave. Rori’s comment about her deciding if he’s enough for her, really does require being present to decide that. Great advice, and so simple. Love this stuff!!!!!!

  346.  #346dawn on December 10, 2009 at 6:20 am

    Im getting this leaning back thing . So very hard to give up the control. Thats what it is. A fear. I was so afraid of getting hurt. Ifelt like i had to always have it all wrapped up in a nice little package. I get it too late though. I get it after the fact but at least im getting it. I feel happy. I feel alive. I feel hopeful.I guess i just feel.

  347.  #347Lovely on March 10, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Does anyone here practice, also, law of attraction things? I did/do, and feel like it is what brought me that dream-like relationship, or at least the first 3 months of it. Then the next few months (til now) were still mostly him coming forward, me only leaning back. Though I a) occasionally came forward, and b) didn’t do my law of attraction things as often (reading thru a list of my desired future).

    Now that things are officially on a break with this ‘dream’ guy, and right now in particular, I’m wodnering what this community thinks of using Rori leaning back, and feeling messages, but IN lean back times.

    What I mean is, what if I only THINK them, until he contacts me anyway, like thinking or using law of attraction combined with Rori things, like thinking, “I feel so mad at Dan for cutting off contact.” Though while reading my list of desired things, a la law of attraction principles??

    Is that officially cuckoo? Or what? I’m not speaking with him currently, so what can it really hurt.

    But, just wondering if anyone else here does LOA things, and if they combine Rori advice, which I find quite sage, with law of attraction things? Also curious to hear more about the use of EFT, which they didnt’ spell out here, but is emotional freedom technique (if I’m remembering correctly), and would love to hear from that person. Also, can we email each other somehow?


  348.  #348Daria on March 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Lovely –

    a whole bunch of us use law of attraction stuff as well as EFT. I know i do.

    Erika is a certified EFT specialist.

    And yes, I believe as Rori does, that men can feel our vibe from clear across the country.

  349.  #349Goodheart on March 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Lovely, I find it so timely to see you bring up LOA. I just got the cd set & have been listening to it. I am actually attracting The Law of Attraction into my life because I am now seeing info about it everywhere!

    I had a very similar situation to what you are referring to. I attracted an amazing man into my life just by focusing on all the qualities I want in a partner. He had most of them. It fizzled, however, after a few months as I was not focusing on my desires & I was being too gosh darn available to the guy. Many things that I’m seeing clearly now – now that it’s too late. I am refocusing on my desires now & I also believe I attracted this website & tools into my life to help me once I attract a great guy again (hopefully soon!) so he won’t get away this time!

    As far as emailing each other, I don’t know any way other than to just exchange emails. I don’t mind giving mine out if you’d like to chat about this some more. I am really new at all of this & am drinking in all the information I can. One day I thinking I’m really grasping everything & the next I feel lost.

  350.  #350heartbeat on March 10, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    I follow Law of attraction and feel in harmony with Rori principles…. focusing on my inner process, noticing feelings of lack and the stories which attach themselves to them… experiencing joy and gratitude as energy shifts, expanding the feelings of joy and noting down the gifts… expressing my heartfelt desires in writing and really FEELING them… using imagination and all my senses when I feel good and celebrating every blessing as well as rolling with the chaos, grief and anger – this is the richness of bringing the inner life into awareness, staying on my bridge to a rich and fulfilled life. And it’s not all about men – I notice the gifts that are already arriving rather than the lack of what is not yet here, and, on a really good day, appreciate what I want to manifest as if it is already here.

    And then let it go and be surprised.

    Some days, weeks, are dull and chaotic… as I sink down out of consciousness… the old stories and feelings of unworthiness, the need for control and the frustrations that brings… take over. Until I hit the deep sadness, rage and powerlessness and rise again, relieved and born anew. Relieved of the need to be in charge. Relieved of the need to be masculine.

    LOA has three parts – Gratitude, Focus on that which is desired (including using full imagination to bring it to life), and Action. The action is masculine and for ourselves only, in service of the feminine, not leaning forward to another. The action is a baby step in the direction desired.

    Rori has many many parts! So many tools which take us, baby step by baby step, into our bliss.


  351.  #351Lovely on March 10, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Ericka, heartbeat, and Goodheart, you guys are so cool, thank you for your responses, to me, I feel really grateful to have encountered such lovely women (no pun intended!).

    Goodheart, which CD set did you get? I’m torn about which to get. I kind of wish there were a complete set. I also think basically that “it’s never too late,” so while I was too available too, and per heartbeat’s comment, I try to note what is manifested per our law of attraction list/s, and concentrate on that. I did manifest that relationship, and he is lovely [also] so I keep my law of attraction thing and since it is moldable, have added a few other things to it, and feel confident and as if they are there already.

    Daria, thanks so much for your note re Ericka and EFT. It is that that, while I believe it, I’m not entirely certain how to incorporate that into LOA. I’ve heard that people do, so, I’d love to get in touch with Ericka for some clarification and help with exactly how to do that. From what I have read, I am guessing that I might not be at the source of my own personal issue/s. And I’m not entirely sure how to get there. From what I have read and tried, it feels a smidge like I am making things up, which I felt like when I went once to a hypnotist to understand myself better. :-\

    Anyway, I really thank everyone for your comments — you are all awesome, and really nice. I feel so good having found this spot. 🙂

    *Per the title of this post page, I’ve leaned back… with anticipation.

  352.  #352Bliss on March 21, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    I have been leaning back,
    He has been away, we have had minimal communiction. The odd text – 1: that said he missed me. 🙂

    He’s back!

    There is nothing, he was emotionless toward me.
    I did not react.
    went about my days and things i had going on.
    Still nothing.
    We Just passed each other on the way out or in.

    day 4 now – and still nothing.
    not a look, a nice word, a gesture


    : – (

  353.  #353Lovely on March 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    Wow, this is hilarious… True true, I had been occasionally emailing him, though I thought doing well in that I was using “I feel” messages. Then I stopped. And he keeps on calling. Just as I think I’ve got to respond (he’s not asked me to, he has always been good this way, in that he usually says, “I’ll try you again soon.”), he’s coming forward again.

    I’m sure you are all riveted, but I’ll go on anyway: he wrote a note tonight after calling earlier (I didn’t answer), where he was all cute with me. Didn’t ask me any questions, so I will continue leaning back. But this note was longer than any quick responses to my recent notes, and was cute/flirty.

    And, I’m [obviously] hoping he comes forward a lot, again. (We’re “on a break,” now, yes, still.)

  354.  #354Carly on August 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Hi Rori,
    I just want to let you know that I’ve had a breakthrough very recently. Today was infact an aha moment!

    I have been officially single for 10 years, although in that time I have dated men (disasterously) and been in many an imaginary relationship! the latter of which I have only realised since reading your blog and Ebook.

    To make a long story, well… Less long, I have been suffering the curse of below ground level self esteem since my school days (i’m now 33).
    I have been unknowingly giving myself away to all the men I’ve dated and always ended up completely heart broken. I thought there was someting wrong with me or that all men were complete and utter ******’s (fill in your own blanks) 🙂

    Although you will be against this, the first man I have been able to figure all this stuff out with and move forward -one hugely emotional and scary layer at a time- with (with your amazing help) is a married man I met last November. (I have written about him in another post) The afraid part of me is perhaps attracted to his unavailability and yet he is by far the most emotionally nuturing, loving, affectionate, sensitive and gentle man I have ever known. NOTHING LIKE THE OTHERS!

    He has always persued me and was the first man I met after reading about your leaning back and letting a man lead tools. It has been 9 months and although I have been circular dating he seems to be the man man who has stuck around. perhaps for disfunctional reasons as well as good ones.

    I have, over the last 3 months, spent a lot of time crying over why nobody truly wants me and have been reading your blog and practicing things on him like it’s my religion. A mere 6 days ago I came across the post where you quoted affirmations you had made many moons ago and decided to copy some of yours and add many of my own to a list in my work book. The amazing thing is, that as I said them aloud to myself for the first time, I felt almost embarrassed and had a hard time taking myself seriously. And then as I continued, a fire lit inside my chest and I began to feel excited. It was as if visions of the life I could have (if I get out of my own way) were passing through me. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. I repeat the affirmations first thing in the morning, last thing at night and as many times as I need inbetween. I add others to the list as they occur to me.

    Where my man is concerned, he has been acting distant, getting up almost immediately after sex, not calling much, not texting and basically becoming distant – while all the time still remaining sweet and saying he loves me. I have been unknowingly clinging to him and doing all of those other things we women do when we want a man and can feel him “going”.

    Since the afirmations and a decision made deep within me, he has suddenly started texting to say how much he misses me, calling for no reason, bringing me flowers, asking me out to lunch and generally surprsing me most days! It’s as if he has always wanted to do this, but I have been blocking him. I cannot express how amazed I am at such a simple shift in focus (and using feeling messages etc). WOW!!

    I can still feel myself becoming frightened when we connect and get closer, but he is an enormous step up from the men I was previously attracting. It’s a huge step in the right direction for me… Maybe the next one will be available for commitment.

    Thank you Rori x X x