Clear Old Trauma And Make Room For Love With Emily Van Horn

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Here’s a great guest post from my dear friend Emily Van Horn. Emily does an amazing healing technique called Somatic Trauma Resolution Therapy – and I’ve worked with her on my own stuff in her office before, and referred many women to her.  We all swear by her:

by Emily Van Horn

Have you noticed you’re still attracting the same guy or the same relationship issue time and time again?

Or maybe you are unable to make close connections because of unconscious fear or anger?

Sometimes our patterns are so deeply ingrained that for years we keep reliving the same scenario.

So, what if you’re using all of Rori’s fabulous tools and still feel stuck?  It could be that you’ve experienced some relationship trauma and you need some support in healing from it.

When there is unresolved trauma, the body’s survival mechanisms can sabotage your relationships.

Old issues get triggered and all of a sudden our fight flight freeze responses are getting set off.  What can we do?

The problem with healing from trauma is most of us have no idea how our own nervous systems work.

I certainly didn’t before I began to explore the field of somatics. The good news is that no matter what’s happened in the past, we can heal by addressing what’s going on in the nervous system right now.

When you change physiology, thoughts change, belief systems can change and patterns can unwind.

When you release the charge, you won’t be attracting the same situations because you’ll be broadcasting a new frequency.  How does it work?

Here’s A Self-Healing Tip:

Imagine doing something joyful (petting your cat, walking on the beach, playing your guitar, etc.) and simultaneously notice the sensations in your body.

Subtle curiosity about your sensations in the moment will help take you out of the trauma vortex and you’ll start to feel more expansive.  This gives the nervous system a rest and a chance to build resiliency.

There’s more to it, but that’s a great exercise to practice.

From Rori: If you want the relationship of your dreams, and you have some trauma patterns that you want to clear, I totally recommend Emily and a few sessions with her doing Somatic Trauma Resolution Therapy (STR).

Emily’s been working with clients for 20 years, and her specialty is helping individuals heal from all types of trauma.  She’ll work together with you to re-negotiate vs. re-live (these are VERY different experiences – re-living is painful – like in ‘talk therapy” -and have Emily work you through them – re-negotiate them feels like a wonderful RELEASE…).

Emily teaches people how to (these are Emily’s words): Track physical sensations in a way that leads to discharging an over-activated nervous system, and results in feeling safe and empowered, improved relationships with others, and most importantly a better relationship with self.

Emily says:

I love working with Rori devotees because you have already been practicing connecting with your body and noticing sensations, which are key to the STR process. STR is an experiential. It’s much easier to demonstrate than to try and explain with words how it works. So, for all Rori’s readers, I’m offering a FREE 20 minute phone consultation. I invite you to experience what this feels like in your own body and get results now.

From Rori: Take advantage of a free 20 minutes with Emily….you can reach her at this email address: and take a longer look at what she does at I’d love to hear how Emily’s techniques worked for you!

Love, Rori






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  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Old traumas seem to be a recurring theme.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 9:47 am

    “The problem with healing from trauma is most of us have no idea how our own nervous systems work.”

    I also believe that most people don’t realize that we hold the memory of our trauma in our cells.

  3.  #3elle_emm on November 10, 2011 at 9:48 am

    i love this! i love somatic therapies! they’ve really helped me move through some bad bad childhood stuff.

  4.  #4elle_emm on November 10, 2011 at 9:49 am

    @2: Femininewoman. i totally agree.

  5.  #5Lucy on November 10, 2011 at 10:48 am


    Yesterday my man got triggered. I didn’t know what was going on. He seemed to be “blaming” me…. definitely was making it all about me… he didn’t yet realize he was triggered by past stuff.

    I tried hard to use the tools…. said things like “I feel defensive” along with “…sad… angry….” etc. I didn’t want to defend/explain… and I didn’t … but it was very tempting and hard not to. It went on for a couple hours, and got worse before it got better.

    Finally he realized that he had been mistaken in what he had perceived, and he said he realized he had gotten triggered… and he apologized several times and said he felt awful. And now he is working through the personal trigger on his own (I am guessing it is from a past relationship, based on his vague remarks.)

    I am still feeling sad and a bit angry. It felt awful to go through that. I feel kinda shut down. I have told him this, and he is very apologetic and feels bad.

    I felt like I needed to vent about it a bit, so I’m sharing here with you girls. I don’t know what to do at this point. I guess I am hoping I will feel better in time. I’m not sure what to do with him in the meantime. I don’t really feel like being with him atm, but I don’t want to hold a grudge or anything either.

    I feel bad and I also feel bad for him because I know he regrets how he handled it.

    Any suggestions?

    <3 Lucy

  6.  #6Lucy on November 10, 2011 at 10:50 am

    The worst part of it was that it was totally out of the blue. Kinda imaginary on his part. 🙁

  7.  #7sammie sighs on November 10, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Fantastic post!!!! Just what I needed really hard to heal past trauma it comes up when you least expect it . Hi Lucy ((hugs)) looks like he is experiencing what we all experience from time to time we get triggered for no reason something in our sub concious that a situation or behaviour brings up ..nobody’s perfect done so well in that situation and accepted his apology like we all want our partner to do when we mess up..this makes us feel safe and able express our real self..and I think its good he realised he was triggered and this is his own business to heal..and maybe by saying I forgive you and love you but feel sad/bad right now and need to be on my own for a bit would be something you suggest as his deals with his healing. 🙂

  8.  #8sammie sighs on November 10, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Well Mr P surprised me today asked me if I had kids at xmas which I don’t their Dad is taking them away…so he said he has his kids (they live in Canada) and would really like me to come and have dinner with them and his brother and meet them..he said that’s how serious I am about us …I said I would come around for cake and coffee later and give them time to have their day and dinner with their Dad..this is their first xmas in 7 years so its important!! But I said I feel so touched that he had invited me to something so special. He said he wants all the people he loves in his life with him…still taking it slow , not getting to caught up, baby steps ..

  9.  #9Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Yeah Lucy. Stuff comes up from the unconscious in the presence of true love. How about trying to jump into his body and experiencing what he must be going through? How about choosing relationship?

  10.  #10Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Lucy I just reread 9 and it sounds a bit harsh. The jump in the body comment is related to an exercise they walked us through on the Art of Love summit yesterday.

  11.  #11Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    “All experiences in relationships are co-created so take 100% responsibility for every thing that happens”
    Claire Zammit

  12.  #12Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    By the way Lucy listening to Claire now. Find where in your body you are holding the anger and the sadness. Maybe in your shoulders, stomach area or pelvis? Breathe into those areas or maybe try tapping on the feelings.

  13.  #13Lucy on November 10, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Thank you sammie and FW.

    FW, yeah, that’s why I wrote “I also feel bad for him.” Maybe you missed that part.

    Not sure what you mean by “How about choosing relationship?”

  14.  #14Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    “You cannot receive from someone else what you are not giving to yourself”.

  15.  #15Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Lucy it was just that Rori’s words came back to me “choose relationship”. I understand it to mean that the relationship needs to be taken care of also, in addition to our feelings. The relationship is the third entity.

  16.  #16sammie sighs on November 10, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    I hope I do as well as you when things come up in a relationship Lucy I think you should be proud of yourself and I feel this may make your relationship stronger ..both healing from stuff/trauma from previous relationships individually but supporting each other! And remember you have a right to feel your feelings..feel them let them wash over you and then let them go..flow out again x

  17.  #17Daria on November 10, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    I like this… I will check it out

    Maybe do stretching beforehand so trapped energies can flow out…

    She’s a woman so maybe this is like working w my pastlife trauma releasing guy but gentler and feminine

  18.  #18Starla on November 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    i have been feeling so low and sad today about talking to CF about never hearing from him. the conversation went pretty well but i feel so much guilt and awfulness. i could tell he didn’t exactly enjoy the conversation. not that i expect him to.

    but all i’m doing is focusing on the negatives. i think this is how i end up in depressed slumps. i am going to try to focus on all the wonderful positives!

    I’m not going to mention any of the positives of what he said because that’s not what matters, and unfortunately i still have the belief that guys who say they’re going to fix something don’t actually ever change.

    BUT! he did ask to spend the night (no sex though) and at first i said yes because i missed him so bad, but as bed time was getting closer, i told him i didn’t want to, because i’m still feeling weird about not hearing from him. Go me! I have boundaries! He said he could actually tell i didn’t want him to stay the night. Guys can so tell when we’re not being authentic!

  19.  #19Susan on November 10, 2011 at 3:03 pm


    From what I’ve been reading, starting to get serious in a relationship often makes old relationship ghosts come up and demand they be dealt with. This may have been what happened to him. Perhaps you could cut him some slack on this (unless of course, he starts to do it all the time.)

  20.  #20Senior Lady Vibe on November 10, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Hello, world. I’m thankful I didn’t flush the “shamrock” soulmate ring but got a little nervous when I discovered the last wedding ring was missing… but happy I found it safe and sound. I thought it might have fallen in after…

  21.  #21Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    I think old traumas is the story of my life…

  22.  #22emanuelle dankworth on November 10, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    iam so confused . i have been talking to this man for about 8 month now . we seen each other a couple times.we would talk all the time ,and he told me how he looked forward to being with me. he just left the military . and he told me that he got his own place ,but has not invited me to come see it .

    he would tell me how beautiful i was and how he wanted to see me ,and spend time with me .

    he would text me all the time ,and now barely ever. he asked me out and then when we were about to meet he stoped talking or texting me. leaving me to wonder what i said or did .i cant read him at all. and the worst part is that i have fallen in love with him. i want to ask him about it ,but iam afraid i dont know how to approach him about it . do i tell him how i feel? or do i say nothing. do i wait for him to call me or text me ,and for how long ? or iam i old news to him, and was i hoping for something that isnt there. help emanuelle

  23.  #23tinque on November 10, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    You are not alone Lizka…


  24.  #24Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    But where is everyone tonight?

  25.  #25Aurora Girl on November 10, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Lizka and sirens…

    well, it’s snowing here in Ontario Canada….the first snowfall in my home city so far this year….it feels nice to be cozy warm in my home and connected to the blog……I’ve been reading when I can the past few weeks…….haven’t piped in on the blog…but things are going well…..with an LD I’ve been dating since July/August…….we just got back from a weekend together in Southern Ontario…we travel well together and are a good team….I am still practicing Rori’s tools,,,,”CDing ” men I pass by, flirting a bit….even running into guy friends when I am with my CD and expressing the warm connection openly with a hug….my LD is not threatened by this at all…..he trusts me……funny enough two CD’s, one from earlier this year and oddly enough one from a few years ago have been in touch….it feels great to converse with them (email and text) and not feel triggered or anxious…..says how much Rori’s tools have so helped me along………

    hope everyone is doing ok….


  26.  #26luzydel on November 10, 2011 at 5:19 pm


    What if you meet the man that treat you well, is nice to you etc., but there is no sexual connection?

    Mr. Nice CD and I are having this issue. It is not that we do not turn each other on, but it is like we cannot satisfy the other. I am used to more aggressive men and he is used to more aggressive women. When we do it is feels blah! Other than that we are great together, never met someone who I can connect on many levels, but our sex life sucks right now…

    Any one? Help please 🙁

  27.  #27R.N.AmazingMe on November 10, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    @25 Tinque is great with that stuff!! Hopefully she will shine some light on it for you 🙂 Good Luck..XOXOXO

  28.  #28R.N.AmazingMe on November 10, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    So I am slowly losing some weight which was expected when I stopped that medication. So excited about being able to go to the gym and hang with friends, maybe go for some wine. I have been in a bubble for like the last 2.5 years. It is almost caused like social anxiety so I have turned into a home body. Like my safe haven, no one to stare at me and me wonder why. I used to always think they were staring for a negative cause. I have now been practicing when someone, usually a man, stares, I tell my kids or myself that it is because I am so hot. LOL, but it’s wierd when we all go out together a lot of people stare at us. It is not just me this is something ALL 3 of my kids have noticed. Not sure why but do not care it probably because I am a 6 ft goddess that just glows of strength and….XOXO

  29.  #29luzydel on November 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Is it ok to lean forward when it comes to sex? I am so used to these men who grab me to the wall and take my breath away, how ever they were just a good lay, but lack relationship skill. With Mr nice cd is like we feel the attraction and sexual tension, but we are both waiting for someone to be in charge. Today we talked about it, he brought it up and I opened up about it also, he is used to some things and so am I. However we are not giving it to each other… I don’t Know…perhaps he was suppose to be the friend I should not have Dated?

  30.  #30Starla on November 10, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    luzydel – i’m SURE tinque has an awesome, expert answer for you

    but something that’s worked for me is to aggressively ask them to be aggressive, since i’m not aggressive myself. this has worked like a charm every time when i needed it to. So basically you just tell them what u want them to do with some force behind it (not mean…just in control and knowing what you want). This comes off as aggressive to them and gets them into being aggressive themselves.

    hope this helps.

  31.  #31Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Aurora I’m happy for you! I just starts a few weeks ago using Rori’s tool and I feel hopeful it will work for me too.

    As for the snow, I’m so jealous!! Hehe, I’m in Quebec and we haven’t have any snow so far this year. I can’t wait, I love snow!!! And Christmas!!!

  32.  #32luzydel on November 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    If I can mix “D” and MR Nice CD together Ill have the perfect man…lol…”D” was great in bed, but had issues with commitment etc. and Mr Nice CD is great with commitment, but sex is not so good…ugh!

  33.  #33Aurora Girl on November 10, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    I dated off and on for over 6 years since my divorce and seemed to be attracting men that weren’t suited to me or my living situation….but Rori’s tools…leaning back….being feminine,…..enjoying the flirting…the water wheel (letting men give and returning some…letting it flow, organic naturally evolving relationships…getting out of my head and into my heart) they are all a work in progress…..especially watching negative thinking and old tapes that play in my head….but when I started working with them….just to play with ideas and experiment and explore…suddenly the lightness and fun in it showed up and the right men/man showed up……I started with the book Have the relationship you want and moved to Targeting Mr. Right CD and they were very helpful….connecting to the blog was helpful too, especially when i began to feel welcome…….

    we now have at least a cm/ or 1/4 inch of of new snow…whether it will stay until morning we will see…it’s fun to watch it float down all over again! My guess is that you will get some very soon!


  34.  #34LILI 41 on November 10, 2011 at 6:05 pm


    Hi Lizka,

    Waiting for the snow here too in Mtl.

  35.  #35Aurora Girl on November 10, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    I think of sex as a dance…..depending on the mood and place and time…..many things can be experimented with….as long as it’s consented to mutually….time be soft, time to be receptive and relaxed and pampered…time to be the tigress and playful and tease…..asking and exploring and thinking of it as open…..I have had about a dozen sexual relationships over the years and each dynamic was different…and I usually don’t ask or answer questions about my past sexlife or his….i think of it as brand new territory each time….just my thoughts…to support where ever it is you might be….communication is key and it sounds like you are on the way with that…. 🙂

  36.  #36LILI 41 on November 10, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Hmmm…I got a brand new computer at work without even asking, with a 24 inch screen. So I dared ask for speakers, and I got those too.

    Then when I ordered toner, our techie dept said No…they showed up with a brand new printer just for me that I don’t have to share.

    What’s goin on? Don’t know but I like it alot! 😀

  37.  #37Starla on November 10, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Aurora Girl, I feel lovely reading your thoughts on sexual dynamics, especially the part about how each sexual relationship is independent of the others you guys have had outside of each other.

  38.  #38LILI 41 on November 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Oh, and I took advantage of the situation to cd the techie guy. I’m being funny and flirty.
    I’ve always been dealing with him alot.
    But now we have a lot of laughs and it’s way more fun.

    Slowly, but surely, I’m getting the cd thing Daria 😉

  39.  #39LILI 41 on November 10, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Old traumas…My last relationship trauma was being left behind when it was time for fun.
    D’s last relationship trauma was being trapped at home and not going anywhere bc they didn’t have any money…she was an emotional spender.
    Here I am who can pay her own share of a trip, am outgoing…and he can’t appreciate it…and I still get left behind.
    WTF ????

  40.  #40Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    I’m feeling way better than this afternoon and I really feel that I am conviced about not leaning foward at all with P. We’ll see what happened with that. If it works, I’m ready to commit with this forever and to be the best ambassador of Rori’s tools!!!

    Aurora, I have read Have the Relationship you Want and now planning to buy one of the program. I’m not sure if I’ll go with Modern Siren or with Targeting Mr Right… I’ll have to read about both before making my choice, unless I can have your comments on these girls?

    I’m off to bed, tomorrow is the last day of the week and I have a lunch with my team because we did great in the month of October, our boss is takins us to a nice restaurant. Weeee!! 🙂

    Good night all! <3

  41.  #41Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    The powerful combination here is to be totally warm, sensual, leaning back, confident, soft and happy when he calls you, and refuse to be pigeon- holed or have your options with other men cut off until there’s a commitment.

    He’ll be much more attracted to you this way. Try this and let me know.

    This is where my Modern Siren program will help you.

    It will show you how to use your natural, feminine, juicy emotions to ATTRACT a man in a powerful way.

    But it’s not about how to “fake” feeling a certain way or how to “stuff” what you’re really feeling in order to keep a man from getting distant or withdrawing.

    Modern Siren helps you be more authentic and more natural, so that you feel TRUE to yourself and you’re more attractive at the same time

    You must start flirting with and talking with other men. It will be the single most helpful thing you can do for yourself to get your focus OFF of this particular man and onto your BIG DREAMS for the RELATIONSHIP you want.

    If you hook your dreams to one man, it’s SO much harder to keep your inner balance and to feel confident and powerful.

    Dating lots of men, getting out there and simply RELATING to lots of men — wherever you are — and practicing all my Tools with them in conversation will help you tremendously.

    I don’t want you to have to do all this alone.

    That’s why I highly recommend you order a copy of my Targeting Mr. Right program and get my step-by-step help on WHERE to find all the men you’ll be relating to, benefiting from, and using to build up your self esteem…

    WHAT to do and say when you encounter a man — any man — in order to practice your “Diva” qualities and become more and more attractive and self-confident every day.

    And HOW to handle all aspects of flirting, relating and dating many men in order to find that inner balance and strength.

    From email

  42.  #42Ladybug on November 10, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Now if we could clear old trauma from our men as easily as we can from ourselves……

    I am going into winter feeling sad. It’s going to take a lot to keep me perky!

    My hot and cold, but adorable Hayseed “Needs lots of space……been alone so long……..blah blah blah” doing the thousand mile stare. A minute later he’s smiling ear to ear wrapping his arms around me. What were we talking about!?!?!? A lot of past trauma.

    JB, a CD who I didn’t think would go anywhere surprised me! What an awesome gentleman! And for an old guy, he’s hot and sports washboard abs! He’s become a good friend, he likes showing me off to his much younger, bitter single guy friends, his married friends are now my friends, too. He leaves in the morning for 3 months in South America. 🙁

    The other CDs haven’t been worth a second run.

    I do however have several men in town keeping their eyes locked on me and I keep my eyes on them.

    Amazing Me, isn’t it amazing when you begin to change and they start staring? I’ve lost 119 pounds in 14 months since my hate raging husband left and my blood pressure dropped to normal. Instead of size 24, I’m a size 5. Instead of a fat, frumpy grumpy house mouse….. well, I have high school and college boys smiling big and saying “HI!” I’m 53 years old.

  43.  #43Aurora Girl on November 10, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    39 Lizka
    I don’t think you can go wrong with either one….I have not ordered Modern Siren yet…..but I found Targeting Mr. Right was helpful to avoid getting drawn into or responding to men who were Mr. Wrong…

  44.  #44Butterfly Wings on November 10, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    TH and I had a huge talk last night.

    He told me that one of the things he really likes about me, is that I’m always there for him…

    I suppose after watching Commitment Blueprint, that’s me being an “invitation” maybe… Being open and inviting when he comes to me…

    I do that, but I still tell him what I don’t like too. I might be a pushover with him sometimes, but I’m not a total doormat…

    He also expressed how much he feels for me. It felt good… and there were some things he said that didn’t feel so good.

    But overall I know I am loved on some level, I know he loves being with me, and that he wanted to be with me and nobody else last night. So yeah I do feel good even though we still have some challenges…

    I did him a huge favour last night (with some resistance on my part), and tonight he’s coming over to cook me dinner to say thank you. Yay!

  45.  #45Daria on November 11, 2011 at 12:14 am

    just had another impromptu CD

    i liked the impromptu CD, but at the same time, i don’t really want impromptu CDs

  46.  #46Ella on November 11, 2011 at 3:02 am

    Lizka re 40,

    Well Done!


    Excellent job.

    Now, the next step in leaning back is to stop thinkinig about him as much… tricky I know… and its an energy thing.

    Rori recommends ‘catching’ yourself everytime you begin thinking about him or ‘pining’ and then just gently turning your mind to other, more pleasurable thoughts.

    You can also sit and feel your feelings, and riff, if you want to…

    Regarding the programmes – I would suggest Targetting Mr Right for you at this time.

    That is the one all about Circular Dating, and it is GREAT for boosting self esteem and thereby your attractiveness.

    And I find it great fun as a programme too.


  47.  #47Ella on November 11, 2011 at 3:15 am

    Lili 41

    Re 39,

    Hmmm, feels weird reading about you being willing to pay for 1/2 the trips…


    For me, if a man is taking me away, I want him to pay for me…

    He is treating me, cus he loves me… if that is what he has offered.

    Its about being in the feminine energy…

    I appreciate this woman is his ex and he may not like her much and even say bad things about her. And for me I never really buy into that.

    For me, usually, I can see that my man’s feelings were hurt when it didn’t work out and that is why he is mean about her, and that is fine.

    If I am feeling resentful of an ex, or better than, or think she is ‘bad’ for certain reasons, like being an emotional spender, I will look at that.

    Sometimes it is just a case of letting him know a boundary for me that I don’t want to hear about his ex… but if he is not talking about her and I am still thinking about her and comparing, then I will look at what she has that I want.

    And I may vehemently reject the idea that she has anything I want to cultivate in myself… and yet, usually there is something.

    To me being an emotional spender, and allowing my man to spend money on me, these are very feminine qualities, and it is up to him to offer what he wants, and stop offering if he doesn’t have the means… that is his job as the masculine.

    Anyway, just some stuff that came up for me reading your posts.

    I hope you do not feel offended or that I have been too personal.

    You seem to be doing really well and have come so far since you first came here.

    I love how you are handling your emotions and learning.

    I feel inspired.


  48.  #48Ella on November 11, 2011 at 3:27 am

    Why oh why do men on POF always ask if I have had any other dates and what were they like?

    I feel piiisssst!

    I can’ believe people find this acceptable.

    I feel triggered. It annoys me.

    I am tired of that question.

    Mind your own beeswax dude!!!!

  49.  #49Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 3:38 am

    Thank you Ella for taking all that time for answering to me. I feel significant. I will try to spend the whole day without thinking about him, and if I can do today, I can certainly do more! Thanks also for the advices on the programs!

    I hope you are doing well also and that you are fix in your mind with your CD1.

    Good morning to you all! I wish you a great Friday!

  50.  #50Ella on November 11, 2011 at 3:41 am

    Owww, there is a guy on POF who likes me… quite a lot. We have spoken on the phone and set up a meeting for early next week.

    He has been sendig me LOADS of texts and we got on on the phone really well.

    I actually expressed that for me until we actually meet it is not real and I feel worried about making too much connection until that time.

    I actually asked for less texts!

    I like the look of him and he seems so far like a really nice guy, who wants to do nice things for me. And he is really masculine too 🙂

    I can feel the fear beginning to come up in me…

    And breath.

    Bless me.

  51.  #51Ella on November 11, 2011 at 3:46 am



    Actually I have mostly fogotten about CD1 now… I have been nicely distracted with other men these last few days.

    CD1 has vanished again and I feel BORED, BORED, BORED.

    And quite turned off.

    Which is fab!

    Not quite sure how I will feel/respond when/if he shows back up again.

  52.  #52Butterfly wings on November 11, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Ella – I think they’re asking about your other dates so they have an idea of their competition. I think it’s a man thing… xx

  53.  #53Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 5:33 am

    RE 42 OMG Ladybug. Your story is amazing.

  54.  #54Mel on November 11, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Congrats Ladybug! Wow! 🙂 🙂 :p

  55.  #55Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 5:53 am


    In a relationship, we want to be loved, right? That’s why we tend to think that when they’re in relationships, men want to be loved too.

    Sure — but be careful, because love ISN’T the #1 thing they’re looking for from a woman!

    Guess what — men actually appreciate being RESPECTED more than being loved. Don’t ask me why — that’s just how it is!

    Women want to be loved; men want to be
    respected. You can try it out after reading this newsletter.

    Show him a little respect: “You got a great career.” “You’re working so hard.” “You’re smarter than most men I know.”

    Watch him warm up to you much easier than if you said, “I love you!”

    Of course, that’s not to say that men want to be respected ONLY. They need love too!

    It’s just that if you want him to be a little more responsive and a little more thoughtful in your relationship, make it a point to show your respect a little more often.

    What have you got to lose, right?

    Also, take this new lesson about respect to the next level.

    When in the dating game, hang out only with men you can respect, and be the kind of woman that men also respect. You’ll stand a much better chance of
    starting a relationship that’s strong enough to stand the test of time.


    Finally, men need women who know how relationships work. These are the women who know how to handle both the good times and the bad.

    Unfortunately, many women want all the good but none of the bad!

    Too many of us simply don’t know how to handle a relationship. To many women, men are “mysteries” that can’t be explained!

    These are the women who say, “All men are the same” — and obviously, these are the women who let their misconceptions and closed-mindedness ruin their relationships.

    When you can’t (or won’t) understand his side of things, then arguments will ALWAYS crop up! Ever had a big fight with your boyfriend or husband that started out as a tiny, silly misunderstanding?

    Think of those arguments happening almost everyday – that’s what’s likely to happen if you don’t accept the fact that men act, think, and feel differently from us. Sad but true!

    But when you totally understand your man, you’ll understand why he acts, reacts, thinks, and feels the way he does.

    No nasty surprises, no misconceptions, and no misunderstandings to hurt your relationship… wouldn’t that be great?

    To the happiness you deserve,

    ~Alexandra Fox

  56.  #56Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Read yesterday’s newsletter from Rori titled “If He’s Stalling This Tool Will Move Him Forward”

    Here she stated: What’s happening is that you’re feeling frustrated and angry and so you’re backing away from him physically (which is good) but also emotionally (which will do you NO good).

    This is what I’m experiencing and I’m a bit confused on how to do this. Any help??

  57.  #57Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 6:03 am

    Sorry Mochaberri I did not get that newsletter.

  58.  #58Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Catherine Woodward Thomas says our behavior during breakups show our real character.

  59.  #59Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 6:18 am

    “Tip#3: Don’t give him gifts, make him dinner or pay for dates.
    Yes, this sounds unfair, and yet, who pays is often the difference in his mind between friends hanging out together and a “date.”

    If a man complains about paying for everything, let him know you don’t care what you do, you feel great being with him, and you don’t want to pay. Walking, hanging out in bookstores, having a picnic in a park can all be fun, romantic ways to get close to a man.

    (And forget about cooking dinner, or trying to make dating “reciprocal.” A bowl of popcorn and something to drink is fine.)

    When you give a man gifts, give him all your attention and energy, and give MORE than you receive, you’re OVERFUNCTIONING.

    Overfunctioning is doing more than your fair share and stepping up to rescue a man because you know you can do a better job. It’s arriving from your masculine energy. It feels aggressive and forward to a man. And it’s totally unattractive to him. ”


  60.  #60mali on November 11, 2011 at 6:19 am

    @Tiffany- Your understanding and empathy mean so much to me. Thankyou! <3

    I find it difficult to tell her what I will and won't do, as she views me as being an unmarried Muslim girl, and therefore, the responsibility of her parents. She has to worry about our community at Mosque, and what they will/won't say about us as a family… it's a lot of pressure, but it frequently gets in the way of what I want to do.

    I know that at some point we will have a serious discussion, that could potentially blow up, as I've stopped wearing the headscarf at university, but my parents don't know. It's a decision that my Mother especially will be extremely upset about, as it'll paint out family in a bad light, and will lower our "reputation"… but when the time is right, it will happen. I may have to prepare to be disowned. It scares me, and yet I know that in a sense, I'll finally feel a sense of peace.

    And yes- I feel the same way… I'm a very sensitive person, and I really appreciate love and hugs. But I think I'm too similar to my own Mother! It's very difficult for me to show her love, as there's resentment there. And I don't want to be her source of comfort and love constantly, because I need that myself. I feel suffocated around her, because I don't feel safe to let my emotion out around her… I know she would be triggered so easily, and that in turn would trigger me…!

    I find love in my friends, but I'm trying to set my boundaries. I'm very, very good at identifying other people's needs and counselling them… But I need to try and do that for myself first. And THEN do that for my friends. It's work in progress.

    It means so much to me that you can relate to me. I know I'm a strong person, but I question it at times.

    Lots of love and hugs!

  61.  #61Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 6:22 am

    FW I totally love your advices so here is the article:

    If He’s Stalling This Tool Will Move Him Forward

    If you’re finding yourself in a relationship with a man that’s settling into a place that’s comfortable for HIM – in other words, the minimum he needs to do to keep you…

    The minimum number of phone calls, dates and spending time with you…

    And talk about your “future” together seems to be on “hold” – my Commitment Blueprint program will help you so much.

    In the Blueprint, you’ll learn how to stay grounded and steady no matter WHAT he does, and get to your Happy Ever After without ultimatums, arguing, or even ANY COOPERATION at all from him.

    Take a look at the Blueprint right here:

    Dear Karen,

    Not knowing where you stand with a man is one of the most painful things I can think of.

    If you’re like I was, you’ve given your heart to a man who did and said all the right things, treated you wonderfully and even talked about a “future” together, and then you suddenly realized – like waking up from a deep sleep – that things are stalled.

    All of a sudden you notice you MISS him.

    I remember seeing a man, sleeping with him, opening my heart and body to him, and then suddenly “noticing” he wasn’t calling as much as he did, he wasn’t WITH me as much, and I could feel my anxiety climbing and pretty much getting the better of me.

    And then my upset and anxiety – no matter how much I tried to stuff it down – made me so tense things would just get worse.

    If this is happening to you, too, I know you can get yourself out of that horrible pattern the way I did – and so much faster and easier.

    Here’s a letter from Gina, who’s struggling with this right now – so let’s pull her situation apart together so I can help you, too.

    “Dear Rori, Ok, I definitely think you hit the nail on the head with this stuff and absolutely am starting to understand and implement it. My one question that keeps coming to me over and over and over again is this…..lets say once you catch the man….you get married….you then can’t date other men when he pulls away and you can keep yourself busy doing your thing yes but only to a certain degree…how then do you keep the marriage being super fabulous when he pulls away?

    And what if you continue to take care of yourself, and the relationship just seems to fall by the way side because men seem to just be fine with not being close or working on the relationship?

    Another example to add to my confusion….I am dating a guy (6 months exclusive now, dated him while dating others for a year) and I keep up with my active life, I am a feminine girl and not calling him or chasing him and I am not always available when he calls but have also let him know how wonderful he is and all the feeling stuff….and yes he is still around and he is a loyal type guy but we are seeing each other less and less and he calls less and less and so I’m back to square one in the confusion thing.

    I feel our relationship is more like just friends and I personally (since its going backwards) I am just looking to leave….but again how do I keep this from continuing to happen to other relationships in the future? I must be missing a piece of the puzzle somewhere. I haven’t asked him about a future, I haven’t tried asking him if he’s happy with our relationship, I just sit here wondering gosh does he see what I see, is he going to let it continue to spiral down like this and for how long?

    ****I’m going to answer both parts of Gina’s question –

    1. How to keep a marriage exciting when you can’t really date other men, and

    2. How to fix the relationship she’s in right now where her man seems to be “underfunctioning.”

    I’ll start with Gina’s relationship – Here’s the missing piece –

    Gina, ask yourself (and if you’re in this same situation – I want you to ask yourself, too) – right now – “Why am I exclusive with this man?”

    Unless you are in high school or college, or are in a place in your life when you KNOW you don’t want marriage – that what you want is a “boyfriend” or a “lover,” for NOW, that you are in that relationship ONLY to learn how to Do relationship, how to be a great partner, how to use my Tools to get close to a man, to learn about intimacy and work out all your issues before you’re ready for a long-term commitment, there is only ONE reason to be exclusive with a man.

    And that reason is MARRIAGE IS ON THE TABLE.

    I have a whole segment in my Commitment Blueprint program about this, and I want you to take it to heart.

    What I’m hearing here is that after one year of dating, you fell into an exclusive relationship with this man without any talk about marriage, living together, family, or ANYTHING.

    So – you’re left with a relationship that’s gone on too long without this step to a serious long-term commitment.

    You do not mention a ring on your finger, which is part of the whole exclusivity thing.

    Can you see that it’s the EXCLUSIVITY itself that’s causing the problem here?

    Here’s what Commitment Blueprint will do for you:

    – You’ll learn the different emotional processes that men and women go through to reach commitment, and how to align your processes so you can both be happy and move forward TOGETHER.

    – You’ll find specific NEW TOOLS that include things to say and do that will connect you to your man on such a powerful emotional level that you’ll never have to question where your relationship is going.

    – You’ll never feel overwhelmed by uncertainty, confusion or frustration again because you’ll know what it takes to move your relationship forward, and what to do when it’s stalled.

    – You’ll understand what he’s thinking and feeling every step of the way, so you don’t have to sabotage your relationship by trying to “talk about it” or guess what to do to make him happy.

    – You’ll know how he feels because I’ll share with you insight into his emotional journey, and how to interpret his behavior accurately without having to ask him. (This is what strangely bugs some men to no end.)

    – You’ll know what to say and do because I’ll teach you. And I’ll introduce you to FIVE other experts on commitment to share their most powerful insights and tools to move you towards your “happily ever after.”

    If what you’ve been doing has worked up to a point, but there are missing pieces that are causing you confusion, then get my Commitment Blueprint program, today:

    Gina’s example of marriage is something completely different, and I’ll get to it later in this letter…for now, I want to congratulate Gina for considering leaving her man – this tells me she has possession of herself and isn’t feeling desperate – but on the flip side, it’s this casual attitude she has toward HER OWN WELL-BEING that is de-motivating HIM!

    ***So, let’s get back to basics, and see how to undo this.

    First, Gina, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with this man.

    It is not the TIME that’s the issue here, though 18 months is plenty of time for a man to know what he wants to do with you – it’s the exclusivity.

    You are now officially trapped.

    And because he has not made his wishes for a permanent arrangement with you known, and because you’re still exclusively with him, you’ve automatically downgraded yourself in his eyes!

    Yep, you’ve completely reduced your Degree-of- Difficulty.

    And – this is where we women get all mixed up.

    When we find ourselves in a situation like this – what do we feel?

    We feel ANGRY.

    We feel angry, and frustrated, and we respond to that by either attacking him, or stuffing our feelings down and pulling away ourselves – which is what you’re doing.

    What I hear is that you are as afraid of intimacy as he is.

    If you can go 18 months with a man with NO discussion of your future, you are afraid of intimacy.

    When a man asks you for exclusivity, that’s the time to put everything on the table.

    He says I don’t want you to date other men, and you say – give me a reason why not?

    You say – “I don’t want a boyfriend, I want to be married with a family. Is that what you want?”

    In other words, he’s entitled to do whatever he wants, to date you if he likes, to even sleep with you if you’re sexually exclusive and you feel good about it (at some point you have to take this risk – all we can do is minimize it) – but he doesn’t get you ALL TO HIMSELF.

    Now – to answer your question about the marriage part.

    Once a man has ASKED you to marry him, put a ring on your finger and set a wedding date and living arrangements and plans for a family for the rest of your lives together – how do you keep up your Degree-of-Difficulty?

    Usually – the ring and the wedding date solves all that – because you feel secure.

    And once we women feel secure – we relax, we become more ourselves, we stop feeling needy and desperate, and so we automatically help our men bond with us even more.

    And as we open up more and more, our men open up more and more, and they become more deeply connected – and the MARRIAGE has begun!

    Most men think of marriage as forever.

    Most men don’t fool around.

    Most men would never bother to marry you if they didn’t want to be with you forever.

    So all you have to do is keep the Tools going.

    What happens to so many of us (and this is what happened to me) is that the security of marriage BACKFIRES on us.

    Instead of staying with our feminine instincts and continuing to use the Tools, we start moving back into our masculine energy.

    We use masculine energy to put together the wedding.

    We become logistical experts.

    In the middle of all the stress of creating a marriage, we forget to FEEL.

    And we forget to express ourselves from our feelings, from our hearts, and we forget to use words that honor the masculine in our men – we go back to the masculine-energy behavior that we stopped before, while we were creating the connection in the first place.

    And yes, dating yourself is all part of keeping sane when you’re married.

    And yes – my “Out The Window” Tool (it’s in my Commitment Blueprint program, along with Phyllis Chase’s “POP”) will help you SO much with your Degree-of-Difficulty and keep you from losing your lustre in a marriage.

    If you’re not sure which of my programs to start with to help you the most and the fastest in your unique situation, take a look at my catalog page.

    You can watch samples from the programs to really see how they can each help you in a different way. Go here to check them out:

    Just know – marriage is a completely different thing than a relationship.

    The difference between an uncommitted relationship (even an exclusive one) and a fully committed, public, official marriage is night-and-day.

    The missing puzzle piece here is being able to express yourself and talk to this man.

    There’s a big difference between ultimatums and accusations and disappointment and anger and simply asking a man what he sees for you BEFORE you commit to him in ANY WAY.

    Does this make sense to you?

    So, now – you have to sit down with him and talk.

    You have to share that you’re feeling confused and uncomfortable, and that you’ve considered leaving him.

    That it feels like friends to you, and that it feels bad and you miss the way it used to be.

    Ask him what he sees for the two of you, and that if he’s not ready for marriage, that’s fine, he’s entitled, you get it, and thank him for sharing.

    Then say that it won’t work for you to be exclusively involved with him until he knows what he wants to do with you, and that you’ll be delighted to continue to date him, but that you’ll be seeing other men as well.

    If this is the way it pans out for you when you talk to him, you’ll want to get a copy of my “Targeting Mr. Right” program, which is the nuts-and-bolts how-to guide on HOW to do Circular Dating.

    You can find it here:

    Now – before you do this – do the work on yourself to really get into your feelings, and start opening up to him more.

    What’s happening is that you’re feeling frustrated and angry and so you’re backing away from him physically (which is good) but also emotionally (which will do you NO good).

    Please use my Commitment Blueprint to learn how to Bridge by opening your heart to him, being an “Invitation,” and STILL stand up for yourself, with full boundaries in place, and no overfunctioning.

    It’s not hard – it’s just a new kind of skill, and yes – it will trigger some of your own fears of intimacy.

    And here’s where my programs and philosophy completely help you – it’s that triggering of your deepest feelings, even the fear and rage, that will HELP you get to where you want to be.

    By letting your emotions come up and show up, and be felt – instead of trying to smooth them over and be all “I don’t care…” you can TRANSFORM things.

    YOU will feel different – stronger and more open and more connected to both yourself and to HIM.

    And HE will FEEL that difference, and be intrigued.

    He’ll feel inspired to move the relationship forward to get MORE of those deeper feelings and connection he will now sense with you.

    It’s a LIE we’ve been fed that men don’t care about “closeness.”

    They want to be close as much as we women do.

    They so want to be close and intimate that they’re willing to give up their “freedom” – to give up all their options in women out there – just to be CLOSE to US.

    Whenever you are with a man who can’t seem to be “close” – ask yourself – what’s going on with ME?

    If HE can’t be close – it’s fairly certain that YOU can’t either!

    We don’t pick “closed off” men because we can be close, we pick closed off men because we’re AFRAID to be close.

    We’re happy to work hard to try to break him down – because inside we KNOW it can’t be done.

    So we feel safe.

    We feel safe from intimacy.

    Intimacy is for the courageous – and I KNOW you have all the courage you need.

    Understanding what’s going on here will help you tremendously.

    Your backing away from this man is only part of the solution.

    You must open your heart to him, and when he does call, and does show up, you have to be in full feeling mode.

    You have to be warm and inviting and soft.

    And this doesn’t take effort.

    In fact, being feminine takes NO effort.

    Except for the courage – because being feminine is intimate and SCARY if you’re not used to it.

    This is not a superficial “fix.”

    But it IS FAST!

    Just try the Tools out, one by one, follow along with me here and start BRIDGING.

    I know you can do this.

    If I did it, any woman can, and if, in my marriage, I can keep the fires burning even though I’m ALWAYS working with my instinct to go into masculine energy – YOU CAN, TOO.

    I did it exactly the way I talk about in my Commitment Blueprint program. Learn how I kept grounded and went from hearing “I’m not ready” from my boyfriend to getting a proposal in two weeks by reading this:

    I know it will work for you the way it worked for me.

    Love, Rori

  62.  #62Mel on November 11, 2011 at 6:37 am

    I am really enjoying Mr. Architect. He is sweet and generous and it feels easy for me to be in my feminine energy around him. I think it’s because he appreciates it so much and tells me so. I’ve never had anyone comment on that before.

    He always insists on paying. Sometimes I ask him if he would like me to pay. He says “Absolutely not.” Last time I commented “You must enjoy spoiling me!” and he got a huge smile and said “I do!” Men really do want to give to us!!! This is being demonstrated to me more and more. And this is a hard one for me but I am learning (and enjoying it!)

    I actually stayed over at his place for the first time this week. It went really well. He was all concerned that I be fed and thoroughly caffeinated before I left for work in the morning. Cute! When I got to work he had sent me an email that said “I enjoyed our sleepover. I really feel great when I spend time with you. When can I see you again?”

    Tomorrow I’m going to a concert with a male friend/co-worker. I’m happy I have these opportunities to keep me feeling balanced. It’s important.

    I am feeling appreciative of Rori’s tools today. 🙂

  63.  #63Lyka on November 11, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Mel says:

    “He always insists on paying. Sometimes I ask him if he would like me to pay. He says “Absolutely not.” Last time I commented “You must enjoy spoiling me!” and he got a huge smile and said “I do!” Men really do want to give to us!!! This is being demonstrated to me more and more. And this is a hard one for me but I am learning (and enjoying it!)”

    I’m totally agreeing with that, especially the last sentence. I find it hard to have my sweetie pay for everything, although I’m the one paying for wine most of the time but he’s always very generous with the rest. However, he’s not really a wine drinker, he’s more into beer, so that’s fine with me. I shared feeling a little embarrassed being spoiled but he told me he enjoyed it since he never really had the chance to spoil someone like that before. I feel priviledged being treated that way! 🙂

    No snow here either but getting colder today although the sun is shining.

  64.  #64T-Girl on November 11, 2011 at 7:01 am

    42 Ladybug, that is awesome!!

  65.  #65T-Girl on November 11, 2011 at 7:06 am

    48 Ella, when I was online I found that men asked about other dates and being online as well. I think that maybe because you are both online it is an instant one thing that you already have in common which is an easy topic to talk about.

  66.  #66T-Girl on November 11, 2011 at 7:15 am

    61 Mel, I agree with you there. I had a hard time letting my guy pay for everything. It feels so weird. It especially felt weird when we went to Las Vegas for a weekend and he paid for EVERYTHING, even gifts to bring home for my daughter. In a couple weeks he is taking me on a trip to the beach in California so even though I am used to it, it will still be weird for me. I guess that is how we are wired as women?

    Your architect sounds great! See what happens when you give the guy that isn’t “your type” a chance! Tons of surprises and good feelings!

  67.  #67Mel on November 11, 2011 at 7:41 am

    “See what happens when you give the guy that isn’t “your type” a chance! Tons of surprises and good feelings!”

    I know, hey! And to think that about a month ago, I was asking the advice of you ladies because I didn’t feel like kissing him and didn’t experience much attraction. This makes me laugh, actually! I think a big part of this was being a little hung-up on a different CD, who I had instant chemistry for, but was quite a flake and not good for me at all.

  68.  #68Susan on November 11, 2011 at 7:44 am

    RE: 48: Ella says:

    “Why oh why do men on POF always ask if I have had any other dates and what were they like?”

    Try this as a possible answer: Well, since I am not engaged to be married, I am free to accept invitations from the very nice men I have been meeting. Life has been pretty good lately!

    That would immediately show you are looking for a serious suitor and that you aren’t willing to be exclusive until he claims you. It also puts a pleasant spin in the way it is stated.

  69.  #69Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 7:51 am

    My apologies for re posting the same newsletter more than once. Was having a bit of trouble with my copy and paste

  70.  #70marina on November 11, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Hi dear Sirens,

    Mali, sorry it took me so long to give notice.

    My friend cannot go to Unleash the Power Within with Anthony Robbins in London May 18-21 2012.
    I am still interested in going!
    Haven’t talked to the supplier yet. Have you?

    If you still wanna see if we can split the tickets, you can reach me through
    marina.archief at gmail dot com

    Have a nice weekend!


  71.  #71Lilybelly on November 11, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Is it okay if I sneak back in?

    I am more than a little pleased to hear what has transpired between you and the architect. I am so proud of you! Siren.

    Starla, I love reading you.

    Ella, I apologize ahead of time but the teeth guy is all me too. I am a weak stomached woman and have gagged on much less than rotten teeth. You handled it with more grace and class than I ever would have.

    I am about to officially put myself on a man diet. I told Mel yesterday that it wasn’t really for any reason in particular but truth be known, it may be because I am just needing a break from rejection. Lots of it.

    Two tons of rejection.

  72.  #72T-Girl on November 11, 2011 at 8:07 am


  73.  #73Lilybelly on November 11, 2011 at 8:10 am



    I’m so happy for you, girl!

  74.  #74T-Girl on November 11, 2011 at 8:14 am

    72 Lilybelly – thank you! I’m so happy too! I allowed someone in who isn’t my type and I am just so freaking happy. Even though lots of my garbage is coming up and some is hard to deal with, I’m still so very happy.

  75.  #75lk on November 11, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Hi, ladies!

    Paying for dates…hmmm….

    Had a CD & I said, “Would you like to split the check?” because it was the 1st date & I like to see how they do it or if we are just “friends” — He said, “You can buy me dinner next time : ) See how I did that? I just secured a second date!”

    Ok, cute…. but…….. I don’t want to pay for the second date! I just said, “Ok haha” but….

    What do I do when we go?

  76.  #76Mel on November 11, 2011 at 8:15 am

    We love you Lilybelly, and wish you were around more often!

    “I am more than a little pleased to hear what has transpired between you and the architect.”

    I am also feeling quite “pleased”…. LOL 😉 Thanks!

    And, again… you look absolutely amazing siren! 🙂

  77.  #77lk on November 11, 2011 at 8:17 am

    & BTW was practicing being all open & when he texted later, “When are we going for kabobs & hookah?” I said, “Oh..haha…I feel nervous to suggest a day, but I’m busy Tues, Thurs, Sun” — So he said, “Great, let’s plan field trips for Monday and for Friday” — He did just what I wanted and planned TWO dates! SO step-up of him : )

  78.  #78Shar-lean way back on November 11, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Hi Lilybelly,

    I miss seeing you here. I think you are the cutest! Anyway tell us more about the “rejection” and why you feel that way.

  79.  #79lk on November 11, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Monologue-ing over here… but maybe next time when the check comes I can just see if he goes to get it….& then….if he doesn’t move toward it, I can say…

    “It feels a little weird for me to not pay for myself, since I take care of myself in other situations, but actually I like when men pay for me on dates – otherwise, it feels more like just friends. What do you think?”

    & maybe I can also say, “It feels nice to spend time with you, and if you feel weird spending so much money on me, it would still feel good for you to ask me to do things that don’t cost money, such as a walk in the park or a visit to an art gallery”

    all very sweet, very open, very soft, very receiving

  80.  #80Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 8:33 am

    @FW where you able to read the article I posted here?

  81.  #81Aurora Girl on November 11, 2011 at 8:47 am

    Mel and Lyka

    thanks for sharing the piece about becoming more comfortable with receiving and being spoiled by a man ( and not overfunctioning)….I run into this too…I start to feel guilty! Maybe because I have to give so much in “mom mode” that its a total shift to receive from a man AND trust that he wants to spoil me not control me……

    I am learning slowly


  82.  #82luzydel on November 11, 2011 at 8:49 am

    It seems that “MR NICECD” and I are going through a rough patch. It may end or it may not who knows. All I can do is take care of me. Thanks for CDing because I know I have options, even though I dated him exclusive for a while.

    There were things I did not say because I though it would hurt his ego, I was not totally satisfy with the sex, and neither was hi probably because I did not ask for what I wanted and became passive.

    He had experiences were women had dumped him because they were not sexually satisfied, and others had sort of said he was “small down there”; that is why I did to want to say anything, I did not want to make him more insecure. I could have freed the tigress in me, but was afraid to seem too slutty and scare him off…Now I think this could have helped.

    Now things re hanging through a string…it may be over or we may work it out and become better lovers.
    It is sad because he is an amazing guy, treats me well and we have an amazing connection, but sex seem to be an important part in a relationship to grow, it seems.

    I feel sad 🙁

  83.  #83Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 8:50 am

    @ Starla,

    Had the chance to read your post and I recently had a similar conversation with let’s call him KR. It started off as a discussion and then turned into an arguement. I really didn’t want to even get into the weirdness I was feeling at the time because I myslef had not processed what I was feeling to even talk about it. So when I saw him it was only to be a brief visit and when I was leaving he stated that I was trying to get away from him and the truth is I was because I didn’t want to have yet another arguement. Anyway, I was open to hear what his feelings were and he informed me that at this time during our break he doesn’t reach out like he used to because he doesn’t want to call for an arguement. And my bringing up my concerns about the relationship and what bothers me about his behavior i.e., not returning my call, comes across as pressure. I apologized and told him that it seemed that we were progressing naturally and that’s why I expressed my concern of not being acknowledged when I called and he does’t return my call. So I told him I understand I made an assumption of our progression and that I would not bing it up again, let the relationship take it’s course. I’m sooo tired of arguing and feeling depressed. I’m now learning how to turn my attention away from him and taking care of my self but I’m afraid that my emotions will go away as well. Hence, why I posted the article to get a better understanding of a statement Rori made.

  84.  #84lk on November 11, 2011 at 8:57 am

    @luzydel — that sounds like a really good experience to have had! Now you know what it feels like to have a man so ready to commit & so ready to do relationship the way you like it — & NOW you can redirect the energy you were allowing him to share into imagining & attracting the really good guy for you – the guy you can’t wait to get into bed with & the guy that treats you like his Queen : )

  85.  #85T-Girl on November 11, 2011 at 9:18 am

    82 Luzydel, I think this is something that is fixable. It may even turn him on and make him better if you turn on your inner slut 🙂

    It sounds like he is great in every other way and is good to you.

  86.  #86luzydel on November 11, 2011 at 9:49 am

    84 & 85 Thanks

    I don’t know how to identify how I feel right now…

    It is like I lost a chance, an opportunity. I am being harsh on myself right now. However I know that this was not all my fault.

    I reopened my POF, too soon? Maybe, but I have to give myself permission to let go… He sent me a txt saying good morning. But I feel his distance, and I have to give space to me and him to figure things out.
    I get traces of the old me wanting to reach out, to let him know I am good, etc. But the new me after a year of using RR’s tools says to step back and let it be.
    I know everything will turn out fine with or without him or any men. I am becoming a better woman thanks to these men.

    I want to cry…

  87.  #87Starla on November 11, 2011 at 10:11 am

    hahahaha i wish i had told CF earlier about how weird i was feeling not hearing from him. he turned it right around, calling me two days in a row with a wake-up call and joking about how he’s so excited to know he can harass me all day long if he wants to, hehehehe.

    i remember when i talked to him a couple of months ago about feeling disconnected sometimes when i’m around him, cuz he was playing it so cool, and ever since then he just showers me with praise and affection when we’re together.

    i think it’s nice that he actually listens:) Sometimes men just need a little honest encouragement. I felt dumb yesterday about it, but after meeting with him for our date, everything felt natural and lovely as usual. Whenever we’ve had ‘heavy’ conversations, things always feel light and fluffy the next time we see each other. I love this about our dynamic. We’re just so naturally into having a good time together, it doesn’t occur to us to feel self conscious or insecure.

    He’s taking me on a day trip out of town on Sunday because I said I was feeling crazy and trapped in the city. I’m looking forward to having the evening and tomorrow all to myself:) I like this whole seeing him a couple times in the week and a day or night on the weekend….it feels like the perfect balance. I’m glad we’ve found the latest incarnation of our balance.

  88.  #88lk on November 11, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Wow! 5 guys txting me right now – one wanting to tease & flirt with me & take me out every day I’m available, one wanting to help me with my writing, one driving over an hour to come meet me tomorrow in my neighborhood, one wanting to “convince” me not to “eliminate him as an option,” one wanting to bring me coffee at work! I’m going to do the Ella/Emerson, “Owwwww!”

    One guy texts, “what movie did you walk out of last night feisty L?”
    Me, “Oh no! I don’t want to be feisty patchouli girl!! Haha… Um, almost snapped my wrist last night yoga/dancing but saved myself & am not even sore : )”

    Is that leaning? Or just sharing/giving back?

  89.  #89Izzy on November 11, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Beautiful philosophy, created in a matriarcal society.

    “Women create the universe, she is the body of this universe. Woman is the support of the three worlds, it is the essence of our body. There is no other happiness than that provided by Women. There is no other way than that which the woman can open for us. There never was and never will be, not yesterday, not now, not tomorrow, no fortune other than Women, nor kingdom, nor pilgrimage, no yoga, no prayer, no magic formula (mantra), nor asceticism, nor fullness than that lavished by Women . ”

    Shaktísangama Tantra II. 52

  90.  #90lk on November 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

    @Izzy, oh I LIKE THAT

  91.  #91Daria on November 11, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Me too thanks Izzy I was just thinking about that and talked to my cd about this last nite

  92.  #92lk on November 11, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Good that these men know that if they don’t txt/call, I will never contact them & will nearly have forgotten I ever met them if they wait too long to contact & I will have not even think to notice if they poof on me : ))))))

    In my memory right now, I’m like, “Who has ever poofed? I can almost remember that one guy…….but…what was his name???” LOL

    & when they do poof & I do notice?? The feeling is relief – like, “FINALLY, that guy poofed! It was getting hard to out-girl him & he kept wanting me to do things for him, like call or txt or pursue…” I love that feeling of relief at the poofing : )

  93.  #93Daria on November 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Lk – you’re doing great ! That is not leaning forward, just responding… great op to practice feeling messages

  94.  #94lk on November 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

    @Daria, you’re such a siren… can you check my txt at 88 & see what you think?

  95.  #95lk on November 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Oh – gem! You’ve done it – thank you : )))

  96.  #96Daria on November 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Re feeling weird paying.

    We women are not wired that way. I used to feel very uncomfortable, tense up when the check came, etc.

    Now I don’t feel that way at all! Totally relaxed and fluid. I feel good with men paying for everything.

    I would Not feel good paying.

    Now, I want to inspire gifts! I haven’t been one to get much gifts and think I block it out… But am practicing actually asking for what I want… Feels a lil tense but am healing it.

  97.  #97Daria on November 11, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Lk –
    “One guy texts, “what movie did you walk out of last night feisty L?”
    Me, “Oh no! I don’t want to be feisty patchouli girl!! Haha… Um, almost snapped my wrist last night yoga/dancing but saved myself & am not even sore : )”

    I was going to edit this but actually the oh no, haha, and happy face fill it with emotion so it’s all good 🙂

  98.  #98Daria on November 11, 2011 at 11:03 am

    I did feel weird at one point recently where I has to go get something myself with money from my CD. So I said I need 10 dollars to do this… And he … Ugh it felt horrible. And I said ‘but I don’t Have 10 dollars’

    And then he’s like oh how are you gonna get it then. It felt awful and I started calling another man for help and my CD knocked it off right away and gave it to me.

    But oh it was triggering. Ok it still is sometimes when I feel unworthy but mostly not. Mostly fluid.

  99.  #99Daria on November 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

    noticing i feel more weird asking and being handed Money rather than having something paid for.

    practice practice it’s all energy

    i love my tightnesses and anxieties

    awww (((DARIA)))

  100.  #100Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 11:08 am

    RE 61 Mochaberri thank you so much. I am off to read it right now.

  101.  #101lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:12 am


    For a second, imagine the world without women

    So cold, so exposed, so hard, so barren, so external

    An interesting inversion of knowing women
    as warm, mysterious, soft, fertile, internally rich

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  103.  #103Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

    @ Starla
    Glad that you were able to work things out and The feeling messages are great! I am in the process of writing one for my CD when he calls me and I can clean up the mess that occurred when we talked. Can you take a look at it and give me your thoughts.

    I feel really sad when we argue and like you, I don’t like or want to argue. It feels awful when we go at it like that. And I felt hurt when you said that is the reason why you limit your phone calls.

    It feels really confusing when I hear you say that you feel pressured or I’m asking for more instead of letting things flow naturally because I expressed my concerns about the issues I have with the current dynamics. I felt we were flowing naturally. I don’t want to put any pressure on the you or the relationship so as I said before I will not bring them up anymore. It doesn’t feel good to not be heard.

  104.  #104Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Mochaberri it seems long, Rori advises to take the “yous” out and I am wondering if there is something that happened that maybe you should just apologize about. Also I would not assume that I was not heard and committing to not bring up things again might come in question. Remember we as females tend to do that. Can you hold yourself to that promise?

  105.  #105Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Mochaberri “It feels really confusing when I hear you say that you feel pressured or I’m asking for more instead of letting things flow naturally because I expressed my concerns about the issues I have with the current dynamics” suggests to me that you feel criticized. The next sentence “I felt we were flowing naturally” seems inauthentic in light of you needing to express concerns. I get the sense that you have not yet identified exactly what you were feeling in that moment. Was there some fear in there? or anger?

  106.  #106lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Still thinking about the money thing…

    Ok – let’s sort this, lk!

    When the bill comes… I feel nervous – I run old scripts, “Oh, he thinks I’m just here for a free dinner” or, “He thinks I’m lame & boring & traditional” or, “Now he thinks I feel ready to kiss him” or, “Now he’s scared that I like him too much because he thinks it makes it ‘serious’ to pay for someone else’s food” or, “He doesn’t even want another date with me & he’s getting mad he has to pay for someone he doesn’t even like” or, “He did like me, but now he feels turned-off by me not offering to pay”

    Then sometimes I say, “Would you like to split the bill?” —– Do I want to ask this question??

    I like it when I don’t like a guy much & he’s being a little pissy & I say, “Would you like to split the bill?” Because then it’s not so bad that we didn’t hit it off & it’s like going out for myself – it feels good to cut the bond he had to me by paying for myself & it lets me enjoy the memory as more “friends” than “date” – I like to feel that power, that control, that man & withdraw my woman – do a little dance : )

    Other times, I think, “He hesitated, now he has to lie – he would rather split it, but he feels bad saying so” or sometimes, “Oh, good! He does want to pay for me & he will enjoy it” – so that’s not bad.

    What could I do instead of asking to split, if I’ve enjoyed the man, but he kind of leaves the bill on the table??????? I guess when it comes, I start to tense up & focus on it – like it means something to me – like the wait-staff have brought it to *me* *personally* —- but they haven’t ! I could just think – oh, that? That’s not mine – just like I feel about the salt shaker when there’s nothing that I want to salt! I could sit there all night & never touch the bill! I’m not in a hurry – I’m sitting out on a date with a man I’ve enjoyed – when I do want to leave, that bill has nothing to do with me – I could just say, “Ok, I’m tired – but it was really fun to go out with you” and walk away!

    What about when he picks it up? I feel nervous, like he is grading my homework…. But! He picked the place, he asked me out! I don’t want to pay

    I want to feel good receiving from men. I don’t want to feel guilty, like, “They might be really nervous about how much the bill is – they might be wishing that I would offer to pay – they might overdraw their bank account! The whole thing might be eating an ulcer into his stomach!”

    But it’s heroic. It’s generous. It’s strong. They will pay & I will thank them warmly & be very open & soft & delighted… Sometimes I can pay for little things like surprises – but not all – “Let me do the work! I can do work too! I’m strong! I’m a man too!” Because I AM NOT – I am a WOMAN.

    I will carry someone’s children someday – the man cannot do that. I have deep, clairvoyant dreams – men cannot do this as easily, I think. I write poetry that is woman poetry – no man can write the things I know because I have felt them & men cannot feel the same things (bodies, chemicals – we are different!).

    I offer my gifts readily, openly to save the world – I accept the gifts from men that allow me to continue to give.

    I flow, men flow into me. I flow with or without men. I am abundant. I attract abundance & men love to come & give gifts to me.

  107.  #107Daria on November 11, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Mochaberri – hmm it seems that speech may be unecessary?

    i would just not argue

    and if when he next called i still felt upset i would say… ‘oh im still feeling a lil bad rememebering that argument… i don’t want to feel that way…’

    and that’s it.

    however in this case – my perception i may be wrong – is that the purpose of this speech is to hang on to him because you’re afraid of losing him (which won’t work)

    the only reason i would bring up still being upset is because i am and i don’t want to feel that way – and might actually be considering not dating the man anymore myself

  108.  #108Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 11:57 am

    @FW – I have been involved with this guy for 15 years. And yes I will take out the you’s – that’s for looking at it. Here’s what I wrote earlier – I recently had a similar conversation with let’s call him KR. It started off as a discussion and then turned into an arguement. I really didn’t want to even get into the weirdness I was feeling at the time because I myslef had not processed what I was feeling to even talk about it. So when I saw him it was only to be a brief visit and when I was leaving he stated that I was trying to get away from him and the truth is I was because I didn’t want to have yet another arguement. Anyway, I was open to hear what his feelings were and he informed me that at this time during our break he doesn’t reach out like he used to because he doesn’t want to call for an arguement. And my bringing up my concerns about the relationship and what bothers me about his behavior i.e., not returning my call, comes across as pressure. I apologized and told him that it seemed that we were progressing naturally and that’s why I expressed my concern of not being acknowledged when I called and he does’t return my call. So I told him I understand I made an assumption of our progression and that I would not bing it up again, let the relationship take it’s course. I’m sooo tired of arguing and feeling depressed. I’m now learning how to turn my attention away from him and taking care of my self but I’m afraid that my emotions will go away as well. Hence, why I posted the article to get a better understanding of a statement Rori made

  109.  #109Daria on November 11, 2011 at 11:57 am

    “the only reason i would bring up still being upset is because i am and i don’t want to feel that way – and might actually be considering not dating the man anymore myself”

    well.. rethinking this…

    it would be because i felt upset and didn’t want to feel that way


    Mochaberri this situation feels confusing to me… i don’t get the impression you are expressing from a position of power – which you have –

    i think dropping all arguing would heal this instantly with nothing more to be said

  110.  #110Daria on November 11, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    this stuff about breaks, progressing naturally, and hurt
    i feel tense. im feeling overwhelmed

    how do these arguments start? maybe we can help there to nip them in the bud…

  111.  #111Femininewoman on November 11, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Wow lk. I am here wondering how you know what he is thinking?

  112.  #112Daria on November 11, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    hmm about him not returning calls… i would then not call him so that would not be an issue

    if it Was an issue, as in, he didn’t return it when he had agreed to and it was something important that had bad feeling consequences for me…

    then i would most likely stop dating him. i would probably let him talk to me first and tell him i feel angry and i don’t want this with a man and what does he think…

    if he apologizes and i wind up feeling good then i could just reconnect from there…

  113.  #113Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    @ Daria – 107 – You might be right – I may not need to give the speech. I was trying to do a clean up of the arguement. At this point I’m not upset about it – so when he calls I may not ay anything. I’m not afraid of losing him I don’t think. I have invested years into this and I really do want to be with him

    @ FW – yes I can keep the promise of no longer arguing because quite frankly I am exhausted with it – it’s the same argument over and over again. I’m going to actually adopt his philosophy of not calling or even answering my phone – which was the issue – him not calling back after seeing I called. I feel the same way he does – I don’t want to argue everytime I answer the phone. And it’s been no stop. As I stated earlier – from his description of flowing naturally – going out having a good time being able to talk and not argue – I felt it was ok to express how I feel when I call and he doesn’t call back. I didn’t really use feeling words when I brought it up because I hadn’t processed the feelings at the time and I wasn’t sure if it was necessary to talk about. It only came up after he commented on how after stopping by to drop something off for his Mom I was ready to leave after about 20 minutes. His statement was oh you’re trying to get away from as fast as you can – where you going to get something to eat? I might want to go with you. I felt pressured from him.

  114.  #114lk on November 11, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    @FW 111

    I don’t know what he’s thinking! The man at that point is nearly opaque to me : ) Just trying to sort through what I am afraid he might be feeling, based on all my fears & anxieties & old patterns…….

    The check coming at a restaurant always feels scary & awkward to me… Unless he just picks it up & reaches for his wallet without hesitation, so step-up that I don’t even have to worry – I love that feeling! I want more men like that!

  115.  #115Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Thanks Daria! Yes the situation feels very confusing and at times I know that I don’t come from a position of power and that is all changing. I feel sometimes when I’m feeling powerful somehow when we get together and after a few good times something is said and then I express my feelings and I know at the time I may not have processed them but need to get it out or I’ll wait after processing them like this past one we had on Wednesday and the next thing you know the discussion turns into a full blown argument.

    I have made it up in my mind that I am not going to call him until I feel that things are more positive.

  116.  #116Starla on November 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    113 mochaberri – one way i’ve discovered to help stop the arguing is to stop assuming he is being difficult or argumentative. This may involve LYING to yourself about it, but I’m finding that when I play dumb and don’t feed into someone’s penchant for drama, things can really fizzle out fast.

    So you felt pressured when you said you were gonna go get some food, and he wanted to invite himself along. All you have to do is smile, assume he is not intending to pressure you and say “ohh, i’m going alone tonight. it will feel good to spend some quality time with myself.”

    Don’t assume he is going to get hurt and lash out over this. He might not, and when we assume this is how they will react, they often do! Crazy how that works, isn’t it? And if he does act hurt, all you have to do is smile, and say, “ohh it feels so sweet that you want to spend time with me, and I’m feeling really set on some time with just me…it would feel great to see you later in the week…what do you think?”

    If he keeps pouting and making you feel bad, you can then start telling him gently, “this feels kinda bad, babe… this feels like a lot of pressure and it feels so good to spend time with you so I don’t want to feel that way with you if I need a minute to myself. what do you think?”

    This is just a basic idea of the anti-argument paradigm. Arguing…soooo unnecessary:)

  117.  #117Daria on November 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Mochaberri -I would say no calling him at all whether feeling positive or upset… and let him contact you…

    this will naturally start healing the feminine-masculine energy balance and start creating more depth and romance

  118.  #118Starla on November 11, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    or you can tell him “gosh, this feels so scary…i don’t want to give you the impression i don’t absolutely adore you, and i feel scared of arguing, but i need some me-time tonight. what do you think?”

    you can’t really go wrong with WHAT you choose to say as long as it’s true and follows the 4 rules (no blaming!)

  119.  #119lk on November 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    I want to meet a good man out tonight & practice with him : )

    I want QT to txt me tonight to flirt : ) I want him to txt me tomorrow & start making plans for fun on Monday!

    I want CD to bring me a beautiful book to keep when he drives in on Saturday : )

    I want P to write me a long email telling me how amazing my poetry is & referencing crazy authors like Kafka & Hafiz……Or I want him to poof LOL : )

    I want someone to take me for oysters at the place in my neighborhood & I want to try them for the first time & have it be sexy & warm & white wine & yum

  120.  #120Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    @Daria – 110

    The arguements get started whenever. It b e something he says and I misinterpet what he’s communication or vice versa, when I express my feelings about something and feels that it’s BS. The basis of the arguments is that he has trust issues and I violated them because I was fearful, ashamed of somethings I did in the past that crept into the present and not dealing with my own issues.

    We both need to heal from these wounds – and that may stop all the arguing altogether or at least bring us to a place where we can disuss things openly and honestly

  121.  #121lk on November 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm


    “I was trying to do a clean up of the arguement. At this point I’m not upset about it – so when he calls I may not ay anything.” — this feels weird for me to read….if I were you I wouldn’t want to “do a clean up” – I would just want the whole thing to heal with time passing & new layers of communication & new depth of love & understanding….Also, I feel not trusting that you are not upset. What do you think?

    “I’m not afraid of losing him I don’t think. I have invested years into this and I really do want to be with him”– this feels scary to read for me. Are you not afraid of losing him? Or do you not see separating from him as an option? Also, even if you “lost” him – you wouldn’t have lost your investment! You are learning & healing all the time : )

  122.  #122Starla on November 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    I want to add to Daria’s 117 – when he does call you, smile and say the magic words… “it feels so good to hear your voice”


  123.  #123Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    @ Starla – Thanks I will definitely use those. It’s funny that you said – “Don’t assume he is going to get hurt and lash out over this. He might not, and when we assume this is how they will react, they often do! Crazy how that works, isn’t it?” That is exactly why we are in this mess – he assumes taht when he calls – an argument is going to take place and truthfully – I try to keep the conversations short. I’m begininng to notice that since I brought us to this bad place – he feels entitled to the relationship progressing on his terms. For example, after I left him the night we argued I called to let him know I was home – he always wants me to call when I leave him – one of the sweet things I love about him – so anyway, since we had just argued and I’m feeling really icky and frustrated, I just want to say I’m home and leave it at that. He goes in asking “what are you about to do? going to bed already?” Then a space of silence – and after a few comments about the argument how he wishes things weren’t this way and I go into my not wanting to out pressure on him I felt we were progressing. He said alright I’m tired myself and I’m going to bed and then tole me he was going to call me the next day. I informed him that Thursday was going to abe a long day for me and that we may not be able to talk so he said he would call Friday and I say same thing – Friday’s a bit hectic as well. His response was oh so you’re busy and I said yes. Then he hit me with well all you have to do is either don’t answer, answer and tell me that you’re busy or send a text. And I almost flipped!!! Because the last two suggestions are all I ever asked him to do and now you’re suggesting this to me??????

    So I said wow that’s something I’ve asked from you how ironic?? you are right ok then

    I was feeling like things are done on his term which tends to undermine my power in a very subtle way

    I called him back and said I can sort of get out of my meeting on Friday and his response was I didn’t have to do that – he was just going to call. I said ok I would very much appreciate your call.

    The thing is that we know what buttons to push on each other

  124.  #124lk on November 11, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @Mochaberri 120

    I think “trust issues” is the human condition LOL

    big love & bear hugs to you, lovely ((((((M)))))))

  125.  #125Starla on November 11, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    123 – He offered to call you and you shot him down a couple times though he was persistent, almost as though you were punishing/retaliating with doing what he always does. he felt shut out, which is why he said “all you have to do is not answer.”

    try to lean back and let him lead and see how it goes. Can you see how in telling him you would be too busy to talk to him for a couple of days, you were trying to control things?

    I’m not the best at explaining things always, but I really think most of your problems would be eliminated with you leaning back as much as possible (not *holding* back, which is different)

  126.  #126lk on November 11, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Last night my cousin was telling me about how her therapist shared with her that some people have more serotonin than others…. I burst out crying!

    I was feeling so jealous & angry – like, why do I have all this anxiety & depression? Do some people really have a lot less????

    And then I just said, thank you & I love you, to my cousin because I know that we have the same genes & I said, just sharing with you makes me feel happy & it’s ok that we are sad & dark sometimes, it lets us value the happy even more : )

    Still a little sad

    Hugs self

    I wish I didn’t have a body. It’s ok, it’s just for this one tiny lifetime : )))

    Laughing, lk makes me laugh, she’s so weird, what’s she talking about, she acts sad but she’s so playful & happy & always laughing & leaping around & doing weird things that make other people look around like, “what the bleep just happened?” LOL – a little sad & lonely now…a little dark, feeling heavy & polluted & sore & itchy….stretching my legs & back now, thinking about menstruating – HOW PROUD that my body can do that! How beautiful! I want to tell men how excited I am to be just about to begin my cycle with such a big moon : )))))

  127.  #127Starla on November 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    “I called him back and said I can sort of get out of my meeting on Friday and his response was I didn’t have to do that – he was just going to call. I said ok I would very much appreciate your call.”

    wow girl, you’re lucky…he’s practically BEGGING to row the boat. sit back and enjoy:)

  128.  #128ulii on November 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    just one technical question:
    could anyone recommend, how i can have a picture next to my name (instead if the pink flower) ?… I couldn’t figure it out myself.
    Many thanks!

  129.  #129Ella on November 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    BW re 52,

    Yeah and it sucks!

    Man up I say and stop worrying about other guys…

    Hmmm, wonder why I get triggered with this.

  130.  #130Ella on November 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Lillybelly re 71

    Awww, sorry to hear that honni!


  131.  #131Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Ella re 46

    I tried to follow the very good advice you gave me this morning. It was going pretty well, a few times I was thinking about P, and I just concentrate on doing something else and it was working. And as I was smoking outside of my office with some collegues before going out for lunch… guess who I ran into? Yup… he said hi to everyone I was with (he use to work with us), including me, but nothing more and he left. And than I could not take him out of my head for the rest of the day, dieing of calling him. At least I did not lean foward, but there’s no way I could not think of him and feel sad about him and about us. I was feeling awful and even sick about it. Very bad afternoon that I had.

    Now I want to call him so badely but I know it’s not a good think to do and I won’t, but it’s so hard. I feel miserable.

    But I feel thankful for your support and seriously, your responses about this issue I am having are really helping me not to call him right now. Thank you so much. <3


  132.  #132Lilybelly on November 11, 2011 at 2:28 pm


    Awwww, thank you, El. You know how it goes, ebbs and flows. It’s all good and I have gotten really good at taking care of ME! 🙂

  133.  #133lk on November 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    QT is going to txt me before bed i bet with something that makes my insides pull up an inch or so – get tight – a little buzzing in there – warm, energetic : ) If not, I will txt myself something loving & safe or respond to one of the CDs i’ve not had time to txt

  134.  #134Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    @Starla – 125 and 127

    Hindsight I totally agree that I did shoot him down by telling him that I was going to be busy for a couple of days and truthfully I was angry and frustrated and felt that he was trying to control me so I didn’t want time to be wasted because as hard as I try I can not not anwer the phone but I’m getting very good at not calling – funny how it’s obvious that I was the one really trying to control. I admit that I have control issues.
    Part of our current dymanics is going tit for tat and I really try not to participate although it proves to be effective most times between us.

    So far I have not heard from him and I’m going to detach myslef from the outcome – if he does fine if not fine as well.

    I am definitely practicing leaning back – when I do that I notice he moves forward all the time but it comes with other things as well. For example, a while back we went 4 days without talking and when he did call, he sounded upbeat as if nothing was wrong and I faked my cheeriness. Then he said “oh I guess we’re not talking or something?” At that point as an emotional reactor I said in a very steely tone what would you think that? He could tell I wasn’t pleased and then suggested calling me the following day in hopes to have a better conversation. I was like WTF??? Are you serious??

  135.  #135lk on November 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    That’s not right….
    I just *want* him to txt me – I think he will, but I’m not expecting him to…I certainly won’t care if he doesn’t…
    So excited to see CD tomorrow all day maybe even if I’m enjoying it : )))

  136.  #136lk on November 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    @ulili 128 – i think you just go to or something & make a profile (name & email + image)

    I hope that works : )

  137.  #137Izzy on November 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    There are certain male habits that turn me off and I don’t know if I should feel this way or what to do with that feeling.

    Guys that sit on bars and drink for hours really turn me off. But isn’t it what most guys do? I don’t know what it is about it, the attitude, the lack of care about his own health and body shape… Of so many things to chose from for fun, why sit on bar and fill your body with alcohol? I just feel turned off. I don’t find this attractive at all.

    My ex didn’t have that habit and drank very rarely. It was one of the reasons I was reluctant to end the relationship even though it wasn’t going well, because “where am I gonna find another guy who doesn’t drink?”

    My current boyfriend likes to drink. And I am starting to feel turned off. He invites me to come with, but it is not something I enjoy doing. I say it is ok for him to go with his friends. One day he did and he came to my apartment smelling like beer, I felt so turned off.

    Am I being shallow? Should I look for more athletic types who are more likely not to drink? Or should I just accept it somehow?

    What are your comments around this?

  138.  #138Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    @lk – 121 and 124

    After re-reading my comment it certainly does feel weird – and yes I do want time to do it’s job to heal both of us so that if we can come back together we can develop a new way of communicating and a new depth of love and trust.

    I feel I may unconsciously fear losing him but I have said to him severalt times that it’s OK that we may not be compatible – we enjoyed ourselves and I have learned a l ot about myself during this whole thing. He constantly tells me that he always wants me in his life and I respond by telling him that being friends is not an option for me and I would only be able to offer a cordial friendship if and when we see each other in passing. He gets frustrated when I say that and I will not bend on that – I do not remain friends with guys that I connected with emotionally – I love hard.

    I also told him that he ahs helped me take a long hard look at myself and face the challenging issues that I buried and did not embrace as a part of me.

  139.  #139Daria on November 11, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    “a while back we went 4 days without talking and when he did call, he sounded upbeat as if nothing was wrong and I faked my cheeriness. Then he said “oh I guess we’re not talking or something?” At that point as an emotional reactor I said in a very steely tone what would you think that? He could tell I wasn’t pleased and then suggested calling me the following day in hopes to have a better conversation. I was like WTF??? Are you serious??”

    He is serious and actually this is a very common and rather considerate man suggestion.

    He is offering you time to feel better.

    When you faked cheeriness, is when you shot yourself in the foot. Then you again were inauthentic by using a steely tone yet saying you were fine. This is ‘drama’ and babysteps in being authentic and soft will undo this.

    If this was me I would think about how i can change this pattern of behavior for me.

    For example when he says, what’s wrong, or otherwise indicates something is off… I would then get an opportunity to be authentic and say somethng like…

    ‘well actually yeah, i feel a bit upset to go so long without communication, i feel kinda unimportant’

    that will share the feelings and also get intimacy going

    if a man suggests getting off the phone with me when i’m upset, i know i actually don’t like that option, then i can say… ‘oh actually that doesn’t feel good…(silence)’

    a lot of silence at those times will leave space for him to come up with another suggestion that might feel better

  140.  #140Ella on November 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Feeling a bit tired and lonely and achy heart, small heart empty this evening.

    And a bit sick.

  141.  #141Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    @ lk – 124

    as far the trust issue thing – he is extremely untrusting – it’s beyon a human condition thing for him….lol

  142.  #142luzydel on November 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    I feel so Yucky right now
    I feel humiliated
    I feel rejected

    Mr. Nice CD is bouncing around, he was coming today and now he is not.

    We exchanged some texts, just I feel he just want out…

  143.  #143Izzy on November 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Ik and Daria,

    I’m glad you liked the text. I really enjoyed reading the book “Tantra: Cult of the Feminine” by André Van Lysebeth.

    I wish I could live a more tantric life. It is such a beautiful philosophy. And I wish I had a partner to practice maithuna with… And an experienced person, like a master, to initiate us. But one who knew it profoundly, not the distortions we see now and then.

    I wish I could learn how to use the sexual energy consciously and wisely, to use it to reach a higher state os consciouness. To master it and not be dominated by it. I find this so amazing yet so unattainable…

  144.  #144Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Big hug Ella 🙂

  145.  #145Daria on November 11, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Izzy – gosh i feel like i do live like this everyday…

    maybe you can acknowledge the small things you do spiritually and use your thoughts to tell yourself that you are your own source, voice, and divinity?

    and that that is magical and more than enough?

  146.  #146Daria on November 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    re: steely tone

    i used to do this as a habit all the time and still might do it when i feel really triggered

    use sarcasm and cold tone when i feel angry

    my mom also does this

    i feel glad to have practiced shifting this, i feel much more soft and open since

  147.  #147tinque on November 11, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    luzydel – have you talked to him about this? Does he ever do things which feel good, satisfy you. If he does, gush. “Oh wow this feels SO amazing. ” If it’s been in the past, “It feels SO good when you…”

    You may have a relationship where it’s more 50/50 in this area. Maybe sometimes you can be the aggressor or initiator, and maybe sometimes he can, IF he’s able to step up and do so.

    This is a tough one to overcome if he’s not willing or wanting to experiment, try new things, new behaviors.


  148.  #148tinque on November 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    luzdel – have read more, and yes it’s okay to lean forward, but I usually suggest waiting until you know each other well, are in an established relationship.

    I wouldn’t normally suggest being aggressive in you requests though it feels good to hear it works for Starla, and I suppose it would totally depend on the man and on the situation.

    If none of my above suggestion work or are not appropriate to your circumstance, you could try a sharing a fantasy session.

    eg. “I have this fantasy. Would you like to hear) (or may I share it with you?)” And then go ahead and describe how you envision him doing whatever it is that turns you on. You can add, “This would feel SO good.”


  149.  #149Daria on November 11, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    omgosh! remember that time with my dad 5 days ago where he yelled, and i decided to say nothing, incluidng to my mom’s questions, to show my anger?

    well it felt bad after, and it kinda wore off but not fully

    today i felt tired… and i felt itchy and kinda trapped in my throat

    like i couldnt’ express myslef

    this is a common feeling for me

    i thought i was tired actually

    so i decided to do some EFT on releasing the 5th chakra, and expressing myself, and forgiving myself for that choice to be silent

    ohhh i feel so much more energized and feeling much better and flowier!

    kinda how i felt when i first came back to cali a few weeks ago

    super powerful peaceful

    well im getting near that state now again


    so glad i noticed the emotional stuff under this “tiredness”

  150.  #150Daria on November 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    it may have been more than 5 days ago

  151.  #151Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Oops… I called him again. I feel bad. I know I was not suppose to. I had all the arguments against it. But I just couldn’t help myself it was too painful not talking him to him and not telling him how I felt.

    I know. But he was nice on the phone and he said we will see each other more often if that’s what I want… Will he really call me? I honestly have no idea.

    Ahh I’m so bad at leaning back. I will learn I promise.

  152.  #152tinque on November 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Ladybug and anyone else – “Now if we could clear old trauma from our men as easily as we can from ourselves……”

    This is not easy stuff at all. It takes plenty of desire, dedication, and determination. And still it’s a rough road. The rewards are incredible though.

    A good man, the kind of man I would imagine you want will start to feel more and more safe with you as you heal or clear out old trauma. The safer he feels with you, the more he will heal himself though often it goes on unconsciously.

    Something I have coined is that a man heals best through a woman’s heart. It’s not that he can’t do it alone. Of course he can, but he does it better through us.

    And the more he heals, the more deeply present he becomes, and his deep presence will take you more deeply into yourself and into love and intimacy than you ever could alone.

    A relationship such as this is like magic. It feels like nothing I can give words to.


  153.  #153Daria on November 11, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    yeah… i heal men all the time, i see them taking babysteps as i relax my energy and share my wisdom of what thoughts feel good to me about relationships and the world

  154.  #154Ella on November 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Lizka re 151,

    Be gentle with yourself… I know how hard this can feel…

    And yet, if you are never brave enough to truly lean back you will never know how he really feels, so how will you ever feel safe and sure of his love?

    If you can realise that each time you lean forward you are actually slwing down the process, and causing more disconnect and damage to the relationship, even if it doesn’t look that way because he says nice things or that he is pleased you called… will that help?

    My guess is sooner or later you will get fed up of feeling bad in this situation and become ready, and strong enough to try something different.

    Are you CD-ing?


  155.  #155Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Ella, I have a CD but he’s not calling too much either these days! lol But we have a date schedule for next Tuesday so I’m not worrying to much about this. If he would call more often, it would be easier not to think about P…

    I want to CD more. But I don’t know where I can find guys. I’m not feeling too comfortable going online to find them…

  156.  #156Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Oh and why not?! 🙂 I’m suscribing to a site right now. Having a good time filling up all the questions. At least while I do that I am not thinking about him!!

  157.  #157Starla on November 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Hi Sirens, happy Friday night here:)

    These last couple of days I have been really loving how much CF is initiating communication-wise. I feel like I can be my talkative little self much more now…I like that he is leaning forward often enough to keep me engaged and I’m not obsessing about if i should or should not text, count on him to show up for our next date, etc. Feeling messages worked wonders.

  158.  #158Starla on November 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I would love to hear your opinions on something —

    What if a man tells us for the first time he loves us, but we’ve never talked about commitment or exclusivity, and it feels so loaded to say it back, or we haven’t even thought about if we love him because a more serious relationship hasn’t come up as a topic of conversation?

    Just thinking about it feels awkward

  159.  #159Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Starla – What comes first? Love or commitment? For me (and I think it’s pretty normal), I have to love before deciding to commit or be exclusive to someone, no? So it’s pretty normal to say “I love you” before talking about commitment. Just my opinion.

  160.  #160Starla on November 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    What if we’re not sure if we love the man, but he says it for the first time and we don’t want to say it back? What is a good response in that situation? I think that as we all get more and more sireny, this might come up. Where we adore a guy and don’t want to diminish what he just confessed, or respond negatively, but we’re just not there yet.

  161.  #161ulii on November 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    RE: 136
    Thank you!

  162.  #162Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Hum… We say “I like you, but I’m not feeling there yet” ? But I know, It’s probably not that easy to say…

  163.  #163Ice Princess on November 11, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    Hi Sirens! I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t visited here in a while. I’m sitting thinking tonight about how I need to reconnect with my confident siren side because all I have been doing is sabotaging things because of my fears. It feels so good to read all of your posts again! 🙂

  164.  #164Starla on November 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    yay it’s Ice Princess!!

  165.  #165ulii on November 11, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    RE:158, 160
    When this kind of situation happened to me (once) I just stayed in the moment, trying to feel his words filling me with love, looked him into his eyes and smiled.

  166.  #166Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    I’m feeling very lonely tonight. Like I haven’t feel like that for at least a month now. I’m thinking that it might be because I’ve recently started to see P again and kind of obsessing about him… Maybe this means I should get away from him since it affects me that much? But I so don’t want. I want him to be the one so badely.

    I’m sorry for spaming the blog with this story but it feels good to just write it down and knowing that someone is reading me.

  167.  #167Ice Princess on November 11, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Thanks for the warm welcome back Starla!

  168.  #168Starla on November 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm


    sorry to speak for everyone, but please keep spamming. Better to spam here than screw up our love lives and self esteem by coping with our triggers by leaning forward to our men.

  169.  #169ulii on November 11, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    RE 166

    I don’t feel you are spamming at all. It’s so good that you are sharing this. I definitely want to read about what’s happening to you. Don’t be too hard on your self.

    I´m quite new on this as well, and leaning back is hard for me to do. I feel close to you as I´m feeling lonely and kind of obsessed right now too.

    My important man M is in another country and is not contacting me almost at all. Today he was in skype and wouldn’t accept my calls nor answer to my chat. I was left with the doubt of if there was a technical problem or he just ignored me. And I did it in spite of having decided to lean back and not contact him myself.

    While abroad during our 6 years relationship I would usually be iniciating the contact myself, but now after finding Rori’s tools I try hard to lean back. Although today I couldn´t do it.

    And the fear of losing M or him not contacting me at all is so big right now. But I really want to change the relationship dynamics and have a “step up” man by my side. I picture myself in that future and imagine how happy and secure I would feel.

    It helps me when I come to read this blog instead of trying to skype or e-mail M.

    So, hugs to you Lizka, you´re not alone in this!

  170.  #170Starla on November 11, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    thank you ulii

    i am imagining doing this, and it seems lovely and sweet.

    in the past, if i did not want to lose him, i would just say i love you back. can you believe that!? i mean, i believed it for a split second when i was moved by them saying they love me, but the next day i would realize i wasn’t “on that level” actually.

  171.  #171Emerson on November 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    hello Sirens…I have a lot of catching up to do on the blog but I wanted to share my dream from last night…
    I dreamed about being at the oceans a beach but it was rocky and steep-ish and not much beach/sand…just waves crashing in and out…it was scary! The waves were rolling in and out so powerful and the ocean was taking what she wanted with her to swallow up forever…that’s what I was thinking in my dream…and the water was getting so close and I almost went in a couple times…I got so frightened and I was asking the people with me for help…and they were not alarmed as much as I was and I wondered why not!

    Interesting because I named my newest CD OceanCD…and I realized that after I woke up and was thinking about the dream as I was getting ready for work….

    Anyway….Daria I’ve been thinking about you today specifically…because I feel thankful for you sharing your scripts when you talk to CDs and how you handle yourself and your feelings so sireny…thank you and I appreciate you for that. xoxo


  172.  #172Emerson on November 11, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    so Ocean CD and I were texting back and forth and he asked me something he was jokign about but I didn’t like it…it was inappropriate so I said it felt bad…it was scary to say that feeling message!
    He wrote back taht he was kidding but apologized…

  173.  #173Lizka on November 11, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Hi Ulii.

    I feel comforted not to be the only new one in here. I am happy that you share your story with me as well, althought I’m not too comfortable answering or giving advices… But I can be a good listener (reader), this I can. 🙂

    I just wish that we both will be able to stick to Rori’s tools before we do more dammages to our relationships. As for me, I’ll try a new total-lean-back-and-focusing-only-on-myself as soon as tomorrow!

    Hugs and thank you for reading me 🙂

  174.  #174Emerson on November 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Anyway Ocean responded to my feeling message and said he has a sense of humor and was just joking…but it sounds like the way guys joke with each other, and I don’t want him to joke with me that way…..

    Any suggestions of what to say in reply…I feel a bit angry and disrespected by what he said..but dont’ want to make a big thing out of it…texting can be akward…maybe I will say that…

  175.  #175Emerson on November 11, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    perhaps I can say…oohh it feels akward becaues it sounds like the way men joke around with one another, and i don’t want to be joking around like that…it feels off.. and i feel akward and bad hearing it …

    what do you think

  176.  #176Emerson on November 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Recycled CD has COMPLETELY poofed…..sigh

  177.  #177ulii on November 11, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    RE 170

    You’re welcome!
    But I can also imagine to have the urge to say those words back to a man even when you don´t feel it. I have done that few times later on, few years into a relationship, when I had built up resentment, but wasn’t capable of expressing it. Now, trying to be more real and in connection with my feelings, it has been long time without saying those words.

    Actually I do feel love towards (my ex boyfriend) M, but as we are in a new beginning after my cheating, break-up, newly started dating, new cooling-off phase — and currently in long distance mode, I consider I can not express love without being leaning forward. It’s quite confusing actually.

    But back to receiving an I LOVE YOU…, from what I’ve been reading this past few weeks on this blog, Starla, you seem an amazing Siren to me! So for sure you can solve this situation wonderfully when it comes.

  178.  #178Starla on November 11, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    oh noes
    there’s this slightly younger guy that’s been trying to get a date with me for 2 years… he is the drummer of a popular local band (actually, my favorite metal band in town) and seems like such a ladies man player, always with beautiful dates at his shows, so i never accepted his invitations.

    I went to a concert the other night and he ran into me there and then he just hung out with me all night, i couldn’t shake him, and then i made out with him for half the show. Then he tried to take me out for food but i was going with my friends, so he tried to come to that. I said no and then COMPLETELY forgot about it today LOL… i just made out with him for fun. i never did anything like that before, especially with some random hotshot local.

    And now he’s calling me, still trying to get me to go on a date with him. I don’t think I want to go out with a guy that always has women throwing themselves at him. I know it’s not his fault exactly, but it might drive me crazy.

  179.  #179Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    Daria – 139

    I don’t feel he was serious when he asked such a question I felt he was testing the waters to gauge my mood – he is a tester of people; and what pissed me off about him saying that is because I had called him and he did not respond back until 4 days later. He clebrated my bday with me and was around everyday until I went back to work. We had talked and I wished him luck via text on a test he was taking. After that I called the next day which was a Friday and never heard from him again until that Monday.

    I agree I was being unauthenic and I’m working on taking that opportunity to express my feelings and not be attached to the out come.

  180.  #180Mochaberri on November 11, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Tinique – 152

    What in your opinion makes a man feel safe and finally begin to heal?

  181.  #181Starla on November 11, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    my guy friend got stood up tonight and is new to town, feelin really bummed out, so i told him to hop the train and come out for a drink with me. He’s just a friend…actually he and CF are looking to start a band so I introduced them…

    I really love having platonic guy friends because i can mother them and lean forward and buy them drinks and it makes me feel really happy to show love to my friends this way.

  182.  #182lk on November 11, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    @Starla 160

    That does feel weird & awkward to imagine….

    I’d want to say something like, “WOW – those words feel really intense to hear right now & I feel glad that you feel so happy to be with me & so open in sharing your feelings. I really enjoy being with you.”

    & if he wanted me to say if I reciprocated… “I feel strained trying to find words for my feelings right now, but I don’t want to say words just to say them – I want to make sure I know my feelings & my words line up for me so that I can communicate authentically with you.”

    Wow. I don’t want to ever say I love you to someone unless I’m over the moon crazy forever about them : )

  183.  #183lk on November 11, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Hi, again, Starla : ) @181

    I KNOWWWW I LOVE being the mother figure for friends – it feels so open & leaning forward & authentic all at once – like – anti-sex, anti-romance, MASSIVE love : )

    In college, all my buddies called me Mom : )))
    It made me feel Queen-y

  184.  #184Starla on November 11, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    I’m imagining just receiving an “i love you” for the first time, without feeling any pressure to say anything at all. just my knowing look that says “aww, i know, and i am not going to use that to hurt you.”

  185.  #185lk on November 11, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    I just went out thinking so that I would meet a great man (or some great men) tonight……… Well, after making my ex nearly weep for me in public & give me a long massage at a bar in front of all our co-workers (LOL!!!!!!! he HATES pda)……………..I went on alone to this art studio open house….everyone was being kind of rude-ish to me, ignoring me, not offering me wine or food – though there was wine & food in every studio haha…….but then…


    with a painting : )))) It was called “Meditation” & it’s so big that I can’t even fit it in my car. I will have to ask my CD tomorrow if he can bring me to pick it up, otherwise I’ll have to end our date early & find another CD to help. AHH so happy to find it hung in my house tomorrow!!!

    Best part??? Made such amazing friends with the artist, he gave me a $900 painting for $200 : )


  186.  #186lk on November 11, 2011 at 9:44 pm


    “aww, i know, and i am not going to use that to hurt you.”

    I just got chills!!!!!!!! that is applicable in so many weird-feeling situations…. interesting….. thank you for helping me learn & heal : )

  187.  #187lk on November 11, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    HAPPY BABY – but I want a cigarette?
    Why do those 2 ideas co-exist?

    Starla? Are you the one who was smoking with CF??

  188.  #188Butterfly Wings on November 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    129: Ella says:

    BW re 52,

    Yeah and it sucks!

    Man up I say and stop worrying about other guys…

    Hmmm, wonder why I get triggered with this.


    I think men are just competitive by nature, so of course they want to see what they’re up against so they know how much effort they need to put in to win you over! 😉

    As for why you might be getting triggered by this, I remember you once talking about your worries about what other people think about the number of people you are CDing. I might be off the track here, but do you think that maybe that’s why you’re being triggered? Because you think they’re thinking the same thing, even though that’s probably not it at all?

    Just my thoughts and just doing a mini brainstorm here! xx

  189.  #189Esteemed on November 11, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Yesss! R texted me! He was having a hard time and looking for someone to talk to! I love that man with my whole being! And God is doing deep change in him! He is so different than he was in 2009.

    And that makes me so happy, to have something so meaningful happen to me on 11/11/11!

    Especially after New Jersey cancelled on me yet again. I ended it. I gave him a hefty dose of feeling messages, and more besides. I am NOT trying to bring him closer.

    Instead, I choose to delight in the fact that R contacted me! My phone battery was dead at the time, so I didn’t get his message until 5 hrs later. But that’s ok, I gave him the gift of missing me!

    I am a warm, soft, inviting, free, open, fun, sandy beach!!

  190.  #190Esteemed on November 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm



    Your devoted siren, B

  191.  #191Esteemed on November 11, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    I love all of you Sirens, too! I so appreciate being able to chat with you all day in and day out! You have helped me through my crisis, and I thank you for being there for me!



  192.  #192Tiffany on November 11, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    4:15 p.m.

    Siren tiffany reporting for duty!

    Er….reporting, anyway 😉

    I am having an interesting day. I’ve received some interesting messages from a man who lives fairly far away from me. He contacted me on the Indian dating site, so I responded just because I was curious – and so was he. And he is totally making me laugh! Just enjoying the light-hearted communication. 🙂

    Closer to home: I was contacted again by J – the man who always tells me how much he wants me and then “offers” to have me come to his house to fool around. I’m not buying it. This time, I just didn’t respond for a few hours. When he asked if I was there, I just said I was busy. I swear, I feel burned every time that I talk to him. Even his blithe acceptance of my ignoring his existence was irritating. I know there is something in this that I need to heal. I just can’t figure out what it is exactly, or if I am supposed to do that “with” him, or by separating myself from him, because I perceive him and experience him as toxic. But that is up in the air right now. I truly was busy and didn’t have time to deal with his “shenanigans.”

    At the moment, I am having trouble solidifying a plan with V – the guy I wanted to talk to about business. As is usual, he got sexually flirty with me. I don’t mind it. I rather like it when he does that. Trouble is, he’s pfutzing around with my schedule, and I don’t like it. He’s changed the time/date now three times, and I have expressed my annoyance.

    First I said I preferred Saturday, and he said he would get back to me with some “suggestions.” Then he said he couldn’t meet Saturday, and could I do Sunday. I let him know that I don’t prefer to go out on Sundays, but I agreed to meet him earlier in the day. Today, he tells me that he can’t meet Sunday. To which I simply replied: “Ugh. I hate all this shuffling around. I feel like a puzzle piece.”

    So he finally set a time for Saturday afternoon, but he won’t tell me where to meet him. First he asked me where was convenient, and I gave him some choices of different areas. Then he offered a place that is further away from me than I mentioned. It’s like he can’t make up his mind and it is triggering me like crazy!!! I don’t want to take it out on him.

    But I *do* want to know what I am doing tomorrow!!! I hate this! So that is why I am venting here. I need to sort out my thoughts before I do/say something crazy.

    He might be getting back to me with a place, but he hasn’t let me know anything yet, and his history so far is that …..

    ~ Intermission ~

    10:40 p.m.

    So, in the middle of typing all that, I noticed that I was feeling agitated, so I got up to distract myself. I forced myself to focus on something other than the feelings I was having, or what I wanted to “say” to him.

    I got dressed to leave. I did my hair. I cleaned up a little bit – just the last bits of things I hadn’t put away earlier. I got organized and focused on *me.* I also stopped fora bit and breathed low into my pelvis.

    Before leaving the house, I checked my email one last time. There was a message from him – time, place, and even a reservation.

    I breathed a sigh of relief and closed my email.

    It is a small victory, but I feel like I worked hard for it. only I had to work hard on *me* to get the results I needed – not just wanted. Where I felt like I had a “need” for concrete information, I had to forget to focus on that need. And just look at what I was doing to fill my actual needs in the moment.

    Tinque, Rori, and everyone, this feels like one of the first times I’ve been able to actually observe this principle of working on yourself to make a change in a relationship happen. Or not “make” so much as “allow.”

    I’ve gotten it conceptually for so long, but I’ve struggled with actually doing it.

    It was kind of cool. 🙂

    And oddly, I didn’t feel terribly elated when it happened. Just extremely relieved and satisfied. It felt like I had what I needed. And I could go about my evening feeling relaxed and fulfilled. Good practice.

    Ok, good night, ladies.

    Signing off for the weekend! xo

  193.  #193lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    @Tiffany : )))))))))))))))) I like to feel relief & relaxing more than crazyhappyfreakingouthappyomgcanyoubelieveithappy haha

    Yes, a good night……long CD chat……now moving to music…..big moon

    new painting – fantastic – i’m elated
    new cd – good – fun – new other cd – fun

    this boy in the liquor store makes me feel triggered – he blames me for not wanting to go out, says i made him a “chump” – I just smile & say yes…. he’s cute, but…. so girly/baby/boy – not man.

    just cut my toenails, they’re in a neat, high pile on my carpet… they look weird…. like, what if i never cut them?? my hair on my whole body is long & it’s kind of funny, kind of nice, kind of ugly, kind of sexy……

  194.  #194lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    @Ella OMG

    my CD the other day saw my long armpit hair while I lifted my arm to put my scarf on & I was like………..OH NOOOO HE SAW MY ARMPIT HAIR —- but then, I kind of remembered your skin/sound experience & I just laughed & I kind of obviously checked if my armpit hair was obvious & he kind of obviously thought it was all funny & I obviously thought it was VERY funny : ))) but he already has me scheduled for 2 dates next week, so : )

    goodnight : )

  195.  #195lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    & BTW I DON’T WANT TO SHAVE MY LEGS – hahaha sorry…. just wanted to put it out there.

    YES you guys are cute, & maybe I will want to cuddle/kiss/whatever…. but I’ve been growing this hair out for months now! I want to see what it looks like all natural & soft & long : )

    what about hair on my toes & nipples? omg that makes me triggered nervous for someone to see. oh well, no worries, no one is perfect, probably no one would notice but me : ) everyone is the most beautiful

  196.  #196lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    guys do *notice* — but they don’t *care* about your hair —- only you *care* & they *notice* how you *feel*

  197.  #197Ankita on November 11, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    hello sirens,

    i need some help..
    i am on NO CONTACT terms with my ex, coz every once in a while he changes his mind about me, and thinks i am rude, proudy, etc. etc. (which am not)….
    am in his facebook list, and whenever we find each other online, none of us are greeting each other nowadays.. earlier, i used to take the initiative to talk to him, most of the time, but now, am done with it, with this temperament, with his flighty nature… i have thought like, if this time around he doesn’t takes the initiative, am done…!

    but i am confused about one thing, we both play some games in facebook and are neighbours, after i started my NC i stopped asking him for anything, but he keeps asking me for help and keeps sending gifts, and even challenged today…. is he giving me mixed signals…?? or is he being casual?? i don’t get but would contact through game would still be called contact? i dont get what’s in on his mind…

    my head is spinning… plz help me, my lovely sirens..!! thanks…!! 🙂

  198.  #198lk on November 11, 2011 at 11:55 pm

    @Tiffany @Esteemed – sorry for spamming the flow : )

    Earlier I said this: I want to meet a good man out tonight & practice with him : )
    DID IT – artist – new painting : )))

    I want QT to txt me tonight to flirt : ) I want him to txt me tomorrow & start making plans for fun on Monday!
    HE CALLED : ))))

    I want CD to bring me a beautiful book to keep when he drives in on Saturday : )

    I want P to write me a long email telling me how amazing my poetry is & referencing crazy authors like Kafka & Hafiz……Or I want him to poof LOL : )

    I want someone to take me for oysters at the place in my neighborhood & I want to try them for the first time & have it be sexy & warm & white wine & yum
    Who will this be? I’m excited to do this!

  199.  #199Ankita on November 11, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    and i forgot to add one more thing, he is the one who has broken up with me most of the time, and when in anger, has called me a trouble maker… it did hurt me big time… and since then, i have decided to back off…

    but his game requests….??? what should i conclude about them…??? he knows am not sending him any requests now, as i ask for help from my other friends, earlier he was the first person i asked help for…. what should i conclude with his game requests….???

  200.  #200lk on November 12, 2011 at 12:02 am

    @ankita – I would ignore it – I wouldn’t want that gaming attention – but that is just me! I don’t really feel a personal connection when I’m playing those social media games… Maybe you could say, “I feel annoyed & confused by your requests for gaming help. I don’t want to build relationships with you online when I don’t have the relationship with you I want in real life. What do you think?”

    That sounds a bit sassy to me…… a little less siren-y than I would wish – others help??

  201.  #201Ankita on November 12, 2011 at 12:07 am

    lk- right now i accept all his game requests and do send the gift back, but nothign more than that. am tired of chasing this social butterfly guy…. i didnt even congratulate him on his promotions, even though most of his friends wished him, and it did even appear on my wall, but i just ignored it, thinking if he doesn’t has a relation with me, why should i say something to him, when all i say, may have the opposite effect on him…!!!???

  202.  #202lk on November 12, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I want a personal assistant to answer my mail. If I ignore it, will it go away?

    Was 1.5 weeks late on rent due to mental catastrophe – blame similar event for fact that my energy bill has been in the “+credit” realm for 2+ months…………????………………. I’m an absolute idiot – is the only logical conclusion.

    Somehow…..I don’t believe it… : ))))

    I’M YGRAINE _ MORGANE LE FAY _ GUENEVERE _ JANE-EYRE _ damn I’m blocked by the volume of qualified ladies flooding my brain-sphere

  203.  #203lk on November 12, 2011 at 12:12 am

    @Ankita – I’d remove him from all my networks – he sounds like an energy-suck!!!!!
    LOLLL UNLESSSSSS he is giving you things (massages, breakfasts, rides, help, advice, whatever) that MORE than make up for his gaming requests : )

  204.  #204Ankita on November 12, 2011 at 12:16 am

    duh..! am confused about just 1 thing…??? he doesnt plays that much now, but when he does, he sends those… i just wanna know, does that mean he thinks about me too…???

  205.  #205lk on November 12, 2011 at 12:22 am

    It’s hard to know if he thinks about you in a special way when he sends them —-
    if you stop responding to them (since they aren’t a clear, helpful way of communicating for you) then you will give him the opportunity to say
    “oh well”
    to say
    “oh…….welll…..uh…oh…she stopped responding……………….let me…wait a little….it’s chill…it’s ok……she’s busy…….she’s….a bxtcx!…”
    & then FINALLY I KNOW send you an email or a txt or something *BUT SERIOUSLY IT COULD BE WEEKS MONTHS OR YEARS*

    so choose if you want to judge by mini-signals he might not even be meaning to send – updates statuses, gives gifts, sends invites/requests……

    or choose if you want to judge by the BIG things he does – calls you, asks you out, brings you things, helps you, gives you pleasure, makes you laugh/sing/dance/cuddle : )))))))))))))))))))))))

  206.  #206lk on November 12, 2011 at 12:24 am

    Right now I’m like, OH NO, NO ONE EVER FIXES ME DINNER SAD FACE : /

    And now I’m like, dXmn straight bXtch – you live alone

    : )))))))))

    must locate part of brain which types & teach it to cook

  207.  #207lk on November 12, 2011 at 12:29 am

    bTW I think my good friend blocked me on gchat – ok

  208.  #208Ankita on November 12, 2011 at 12:32 am

    i want the big signals, in the past, i have always been the one who went to patch up, its not that he never initiated talking to me, he did that, when we were just friends, but when we became couple, after our first break-up, the dynamics did change for him,,,,

    so by that i know he is completely capable of initiating the talk, however shy he shows himself to be..!

    today i have just kept his requests in pending, havent denied, but havnt accepted either, but if i dont respond wouldn’t he think me to be rude and then delete me??? i want him to initiate talk to me, but i dont know how can i make that happen…!!??

  209.  #209Starla on November 12, 2011 at 2:16 am

    187 lk – yeah haha that is right

  210.  #210Lyka on November 12, 2011 at 4:51 am

    Ankita, I usually give advice here but may I suggest that you just turn this around and let him patch things up? If he does, fine and if he doesn’t, it only means that he might not be the right person for you. Feeling triggered all the time is not going to help you relax around him. Start CDing if you can, focus on yourself and look for changes.

  211.  #211Lyka on November 12, 2011 at 4:54 am

    I feel uncomfortable giving advices but it makes me feel sad when I see you ladies having such a hard time especially since I don’t have issues like that in my relationship. I just wish you all had flowing, organic relationships like I do.


  212.  #212Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:13 am

    wow i saw hella oldschool people

    and i am different and attractive

    saw a man i used to date and be very close to but he is married now

    eh did mention possibly getting divorced and findnig a new wmoan

    well for now he’s married but dang i used to be in love with him

  213.  #213Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:19 am

    it was a marriage of convenience for him in some ways

    he was in prison and he could get conjugal visits that way

    he said to me over the phone well you’re not gonna visit me

    anyway, he still did it

    and he kept at it and avoided me

    we’ll see what happens now

    i sound like a very matter of fact aobut somewhat shocking ‘roughnes” stuff

    its my gangsterness haha

    actually its just a habit of a certain dramatic way of speaking/writing/seeing/expressing

    not really hard to learn

    you just say something like

    yeah i shot somebody the other day

    and make it sound all casual

    even though its about deceit and unhappiness

    like the man with the wife

    well i would feel happy if they divorced

    i don;t want to get involved with him while he’s still married

    i feel afraid i wouldn’t resist if he came on to me

    i probably would though unless he said all the right things

    i think he was in love with me so he knows

    who knows

    i don’t want him to be unhappy and marriages of convenience are not necessarily wassup

    now i suddenly felt agressive and competitive and wanted to snatch her


    love to me

  214.  #214Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:26 am

    ” if i dont respond wouldn’t he think me to be rude and then delete me???”

    No. but he may use a complaint about this as a way to have something to say to connect with you

    if he does delete you, then he is ALL bad. see the Rori article a few weeks ago about how a man unfriending a woman is immature and actually a very violent act in a way

  215.  #215Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Mochaberri – “I don’t feel he was serious when he asked such a question I felt he was testing the waters to gauge my mood – he is a tester of people;”

    I know this seems so true and ?I’m sure there’s plenty of examples and evidence.

    It would really help to shift this thought about this man nonetheless, it’s hurting your intimacy. And triggering you. Perhaps everytime you notice yourself thinking this about him, gently search your mind until you find some little thing to appreciate about him, and then appreciate it in your imagination.

  216.  #216Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:35 am

    Starla –

    man: i love you

    i would say meaning it: awwww… that feels good… thank you

  217.  #217Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:38 am

    also to Hawkman, sometimes i say “i love you” sometimes i don’t say it, even though he seems to want to hear it. i even say “i don’t know” sometimes when he asks. it all depends how i feel in the moment.

  218.  #218luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 6:04 am

    Thanks Tinque for your responses; we talked over the phone for 30 mins yesterday. He said he did not know what I like and or can do, so he made assumptions and that he would appreciate more oral which is something I can do, I did it once or twice for him, I just think I am not good at it.

    He is still distant though, so I will lean backward, I wont drive him or myself crazy anymore, we talked already. Something is changing and I feel it I just cannot tell how things will feel after all this.

  219.  #219Ella on November 12, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Today I am feeling good.


  220.  #220Ella on November 12, 2011 at 6:21 am

    Antika re 208

    You can’t make anything happen.

    And men can think we are rude (Divas) and still be very attracted and magentised in…


  221.  #221tinque on November 12, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Starla – Say thank you, and it feels good to hear (if it does). You are under no obligation to say I love you back.


  222.  #222Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 6:30 am

    @ Daria – 215 – It would really help to shift this thought about this man nonetheless, it’s hurting your intimacy. And triggering you. Perhaps everytime you notice yourself thinking this about him, gently search your mind until you find some little thing to appreciate about him, and then appreciate it in your imagination.

    I appreciate your advice as I do all the rest of you sirens on here. I agree it’s hurting my intimacy with him, my ability to communicate with him in my feminine power and it triggers me to no end. I really do appreciate him and reflect on those positive things to pull me out of the triggered moment.
    And I have told him from time to time that I do appreciate him which helps the shift take place. It feels weird though because it only lasts a short while.

  223.  #223Ella on November 12, 2011 at 6:32 am

    Lyka re 211,

    Hmmm, somehow that post triggers me a little.

    And don’t worry I don’t mind being triggered in the least, in fact I sometimes embrace it cus I know there is something for me to heal.

    Well here I think it could be… what…

    How did I feel reading that post?

    A bit defensive.


    Why, cus my thoughts went, oh I am one of those women who doesn’t have that nice flowy relationship that she has… and struggles…

    And why does this feel triggering?

    Its because I hate being seen as weak or ‘struggling’… plus I quite sometimes feel misunderstood here on the blog when I am letting my squeeky voice come out or expressing my drama queen and some of the ugly stuff, and then someone else (not necessarily you Lyka) seems to come at me with what feels to me like a holier than thou kinda approach, like because I am not all Serene and perfect that there is an aaumption that I am struggling, or there must be something wrong with me, or that I am a mess.

    I am sure it is not meant like that at all… however that is how my NVs percieve it…

    And I feel like screaming ‘No, you misunderstand me, I am not a mess, I’m not! I’m real biatch!’

    And I want to explain, how this is a healthy process, how its better for me than supressing.

    And usually I don’t.

    And I know its all my tiggers and all cus I still feel a lil insecure about showing my ugly bits and being judged.

    And actually I am fine.

    All good, even with the ugly bits and drama.

    Thank you.

    PS – Lyka that post was not specifically directed at you… I feel worried of it coming across like that…

    Its just your post triggered some stuff for me and I kinda went from there.


  224.  #224luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Something I have learn is not to stay home thinking about him etc. Going to dance class and hang out in the city by myself since I just reopened POF and there are no dates yet. I feel tempted to send a txt with a casual “Hi”, but I know it isn’t that casual, it is chasing and I am better than that.

  225.  #225tinque on November 12, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Mochaberri – The more you can release your own stuff/demons/gremlins, the more you can feel peace, calm, and love pervade your being, the more love you can show for yourself by taking exquisite care of you, the softer and more open your heart can remain, the safer a man will feel in your presence.

    Things that used to get to you making you maybe retaliate causing tension between you will not bother you so much. You will be able to see whatever it was he said or did for what it is, him being triggered by his own gremlins, him seeing the world in that moment through the filters of those triggers.

    You will be able to let it go more readily because you will know that whatever it was he said or did had nothing to do with you, even if you were part of the catalyst.

    These episodes will diminish greatly in time because of your clarity and open heart. And he heals through you in this way. IF he is open, ready, and able though much of his healing will likely take place without his conscious knowledge. It will just be.

    The heights and depths a relationship can grow into when healing takes place within a relationship can be quite remarkable and feel wonderful.

    Also to reiterate what I and Rori have said before, the relationship stuff is easy. It’s the work on yourself that can be hard and painful.


  226.  #226Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 6:48 am

    @ luzydel – Good for you! You’re doing great!!

    Doesn’t it feel good when you recognize what’s going on and take a stand to take care of yourself??

    You’re awesome!!!

  227.  #227Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 6:56 am

    @ Ella – 154 – Be gentle with yourself… I know how hard this can feel…

    And yet, if you are never brave enough to truly lean back you will never know how he really feels, so how will you ever feel safe and sure of his love?

    If you can realise that each time you lean forward you are actually slwing down the process, and causing more disconnect and damage to the relationship, even if it doesn’t look that way because he says nice things or that he is pleased you called… will that help?

    My guess is sooner or later you will get fed up of feeling bad in this situation and become ready, and strong enough to try something different.

    This is so true and so powerful!!! This is exactly where I am and this resonated with me so deeply!!

    Thank you!!!

  228.  #228Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 7:12 am

    @Tinique – 225 – Thank you for responding and sharing. This has been the greatest challenge for me and it’s so true that working on one’s self is the hard part simply because we feel we have it all worked out. It was stated earlier in the blog I believe by FW that all the ugly stuff comes up within you that needs to be healed.

    This relationship has brought to surface for me things that I didn’t want to acknowledge and embrace – I stuffed them down – pretending they didn’t exist. I lied to myself which made it easy to lie to him and violate his trust. I’m facing those ugly things and embracing them.

  229.  #229LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 8:30 am

    I’m confused. Can anyone help shed some light?

    I am going on a 7 hour trip to be w my mom for her 65th bday on the Dec 23. There’s a big family party which is always loads of fun. I plan to come back 4 or 5 days later.

    My dilemma is that I have 2 people that want to come with me:

    My coworker friend. We’re not close friends. But I admire her for having a life aside from her man. She’s got a really full social life. We don’t hang out that often outside of work. I would love to hang out w her more bc she’s a good example for me. But for such an extended amount of time when we’ve never really spent any time together outside of work? I’m scared she would get bored over there. All I do is go around seeing people while I’m there.

    D also wants to come. I didn’t even ask him, he invited himself. I’ve been feeling unimportant to him, but he keeps wanting me to make him important. This trip would be a good opportunity for bonding. It’s a 7 hour trip by car.

    I don’t know what to do. Go by myself, go with D, go with my coworker?

    Do I drive? or take the bus? Driving is cheaper but hasardous in the winter. Bus is more relaxing but $80 more.

    Urggg, I don’t know.

  230.  #230luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Something that came to mind right now…

    I don’t know if the need to chase a man is because I like him too much or because I do not like myself enough…

    Just wondering…

  231.  #231Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 8:33 am

    What triggers me in my relationship with KR is when we do get into the arguments – he will say “we’re not together” or “you are a single woman and I am single man” when I hear this it doesn’t feel good – I feel as if our trying to work on things developing naturally back to being a committed couple is not going to happen so I feel triggered and shut down – I feel powerless an defenseless. He then says that I want to be good friends, and I know that I don’t want that and have expressed that being friends is not an option – I take on an ” all or nothing” attitude – I recognize that’s my anxiety flaring up. I asked if he was out “shopping” because I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time trying to work on things. He told me that he wasn’t out “shopping”. I feel confused.

  232.  #232Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 8:37 am

    @LILI – 229 – D also wants to come. I didn’t even ask him, he invited himself. I’ve been feeling unimportant to him, but he keeps wanting me to make him important. This trip would be a good opportunity for bonding. It’s a 7 hour trip by car.

    I take it this is a CD for you and I understand your dilemma – what about him going is triggering you?

  233.  #233LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 8:53 am


    Very interesting Luzydel.

    I’ve done a lot of chasing in the past, and it has always bit me in the *ss.

    I was taken advantage of. Without realizing it, it was like I was putting out the message – You can have anything you want from me I’m all yours, I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give. And they did treat me however they wanted which was mostly putting me on the shelf on layaway for a rainy day. I was giving myself away too easily.

    Leaning forward (chasing) made me easy, easy to take advantage of. It was like I was putting myself at their mercy.

    Now I am leaning back. I never call him anymore, I never invite him, I never cook meals for him anymore.

    He is stepping up bit by bit. Taking me out, paying for everything, calling me more. Scrambling to be important to me. Doing things for me. Giving me more affection.

    Leaning back, standing for my boundaries and sharing my feelings for me is standing up for myself and what I want. Making myself important to me. Honouring myself and my feelings…liking myself more.

    I still have alot to learn and a way to go, but babysteps will bring me to where I want to go.

  234.  #234LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 9:15 am


    Hi Mochaberri,

    What’s triggering me is that he’s been all wrapped up in himself this year. He’s been leaving me behind everytime he gets the opportunity to go and have fun without me. I feel 2nd rate.
    When I tell him how I feel, he keeps repeating “I suffered so much with my ex of never going anywhere and being trapped in the house, bc she spent all our money and we could never afford to go anywhere”.
    I am very carefull with my money and save some for vacation trips.
    I asked him if I make him feel trapped and he says No, not at all.

    He’s just still hooked on his last relationship issues. It has nothing to do with me.

    On 1 hand, I want to go without him to punish him. I also need to get a life without him, I mean not wrap my life around his. He wants to be with me only when he has nothing else to do.
    I want to punish him by leaving him here alone to have him see what it’s like being lonely and waiting for me to come back.
    He always feels lonely at Christmas bc he his family only celebrates at New Year’s Eve.

    On the other hand, I should be open to receiving and bonding with him.

    I would like to spend more time with this coworker friend outside of work before I go on such a long trip with her, especially in my family. I mean it’s kinda like bringing her in my personal space without ever having spent real time with her before.

  235.  #235Starla on November 12, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Noticing a reflexive jealousy in me, wow!

    Someone tagged CF along with another woman in a post thanking him and her for “the great birthday celebration last night.”

    cf has friends and coworkers of all kinds (he’s a college instructor), but my gut reaction was to become insanely jealous about this woman.

    and i noticed i felt jealous that he was even out! and i didn’t know about it! wow!

    CF must really mean it when he says he’s not a jealous person, because it’s obvious i’m out and with guys (friends, at the least) all the time. If he were really jealous like me, he’d lose his mind trying to date a girl like me.

    Knowing he was out with other women around and out in general (without telling me) makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and afraid that i will lose him. I feel insecure and replaceable.

    wow. hello little pocket of significant insecurity that i just found, i am going to heal you. it’s going to feel really good:)

  236.  #236Lyka on November 12, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Ella – #223:

    I’m feeling triggered that you’re feeling triggered. I’m feeling weird that even though I wish good things to you and other ladies here, my post is not seen as such.

    A few posters trigger me here too and I don’t mention it because I don’t want to hurt them.

    I’m trying hard to participate and share but I don’t feel I can anymore. Therefore, I will leave for good. I’ve left before and came back but this time I mean it. Anyway, I seem not to be doing things the way you ladies are and honestly, I find myself rolling my eyes very often at some of the decisions you take.

    I don’t know if I should wish you luck as it might not be well taken.

    So long.

  237.  #237Starla on November 12, 2011 at 9:38 am

    bye lyka

  238.  #238Starla on November 12, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Alaska just asked me out to go on a day trip out of town tomorrow, haha…i had to turn him down because CF already invited me to do just that.

    🙂 how nice that if CF hadn’t proposed a trip, i would have gotten one anyway:):):)

  239.  #239Lizka on November 12, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I don’t have time to catch up with the blog right now, but I will later. (You girls were productive on the writting since last night!!) I just wanted to say hi! 🙂

    I’m having a great day so far, keeping myself busy, jogging, shopping, cleaning and preparing my house to receive my girlfriends tonight. Almost not thinking about P. Great feeling.

    Hope all of you are doing that well!


  240.  #240lk on November 12, 2011 at 1:41 pm


    I would want to take the bus with D & have him pay : )

    You could play games & cuddle & get bored & have snacks & if he pays for you both to take the bus, it will be relaxing, safe, & a nice chance to have good time with him & see if he makes you feel good….

  241.  #241lk on November 12, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    @Starla 235 – Wow, I have those pockets of jealousy too – like I want to be the *only* woman in man’s life sometimes – but then…… all women are sirens, only one man is my real man…… so I just focus on my song so that he can hear me, instead of worrying that there are other sirens on my island too, making sound all around me….. I don’t have to try to sing louder than everyone though…. He will hear me – I have magic : )

  242.  #242Femininewoman on November 12, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    RE 175 Emerson men bond with each other by teasing each other so naturally they will do that with women when they want to bond. Below is a piece of an email I got from another coach.

    How do you feel about the word “tease?”

    Do you think it’s a bad thing that only the naughty girls do, and shouldn’t have a place in dating and relationships?

    Or do you think it’s something that actually adds life to an otherwise lifeless relationship?

    You may be surprised to learn this, but in the relationships of many of the women I’ve coached and counseled, teasing is utterly missing.

    The women don’t tease their men, and vice-versa!

    It’s a very stoic, very serious relationship these women go through — and the boredom sometimes gets so bad that infidelity, arguments, cheating,
    and break-ups are often the result.

    So here’s a tip — don’t make the mistake of totally banishing the art of teasing from your own dating life!

    In this newsletter, we’ll talk about a few teasing tips that you can try out with your man, or the men you meet, TODAY!


    Here’s another dating fact that you’ll want to remember for the rest of your life — words are POWERFUL.

    They are!

    In fact, they’re SO powerful that one wrong word, said at the worst possible time, can be enough to ruin a relationship.

    Here’s an example. I’m sure some of you have read this story in one of my articles…

    One of my readers, in the middle of an argument with her partner, made the mistake of saying his member was tiny. (Ouch!) They made up soon after, but their sex life was never the same again.

    See how the wrong words can ruin a relationship?

    On the other hand, the RIGHT words can actually build and strengthen the relationship, making it a great place to be in for you and the man of your life.

    Try it — instead of ranting about the many bad things that happened during the day, tell him about the few good things that happened.

    Instead of dragging the mood down, you’ll actually be pulling it up! Your dinner will be livelier, the ride home will be more enjoyable, and he’ll be
    looking forward to your next date even more.

    But here’s the great thing…


    In case you’re still single, you’ll be pleased to know that saying the right words isn’t just for boyfriends and husbands….

    Let’s say you had a guy friend you’re in love with, but he doesn’t know. Try teasing him — the next time he cracks a joke, laugh, smile, wrinkle your nose, and tell him “I hate you.”

    Trust me, he’s going to wonder where THAT came from for a long time!
    There are, of course, more flirty ways of using your words to tease a man’s “deeper” desires…

    For instance, when you meet a guy who seems a little too prim-and-proper to be true, try saying something like, “Nice shirt. I wonder how it would look on the floor.”

    Again, he won’t see it coming — and his reaction will tell you whether he really IS the prim-and-proper type, OR if he’s really a naughty devil deep inside!

    Even conversations that are normal, everyday, and ordinary (in other words, boring) can be spiced up when you put a few sexy thoughts in his head. One of my favorite words that do this is “naked.”

    Here are a few examples:

    “My co-workers gossip so much about everyone! Sometimes I feel so naked in the office!”

    “I love my cousins, but sometimes they’re too nosy. I feel naked every time they ask about my private life.”

    “Ever had those dreams when you’re walking around town naked?”

    Trust me, almost instantly, he’s goingto wonder what you look like naked.

    He’s going to start entertaining thoughts like, “Is she going to be my next girlfriend? Will we be good
    together? I wonder if she’s open to a second date?”

    Go ahead — practice teasing the next guy you go out on a date with. And the next. And the next.

    The better you get at teasing, the more confident and more attractive you become!

    But why stop at your words?


    Make no mistake — teasing is a easy, powerful way to make that emotional connection with a guy.

    It’s just sad that most of the women I meet simply don’t know how to use it — or even don’t WANT to!

    I’d like you to be one of the few women who actually know how to tease. I’d like you to make teasing one of your “weapons” in the dating game.

    Believe me — when you can tease well, you’ll have much more control (and a lot more fun) in your love life!

  243.  #243lk on November 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    ~*~WISH LIST~*~
    [[[I want CD to bring me a beautiful book to keep when he drives in on Saturday : )]]]

    ~*~He brought me a beautiful book, some sage that he grew & bound up with string to burn, & 4 discs of music that he mixed for me from vinyl records!!!

    I want P to write me a long email telling me how amazing my poetry is & referencing crazy authors like Kafka & Hafiz……Or I want him to poof LOL : )
    Hmmmmm No poofing yet…I bet he’ll send an email next Monday or something. He txtd yesterday, but I didn’t feel like txtng back – his felt a little boring.

    I want someone to take me for oysters at the place in my neighborhood & I want to try them for the first time & have it be sexy & warm & white wine & yum
    Who will this be? I’m excited to do this!


    When my CD took me to get my painting, the woman I like invited me to bring the nude I’m working on into her studio & invited me for a free lesson because she teaches!!! The man who was keeping my painting in his studio overnight told me that he wants me to do some writing work for the studios!!!!!!! Wow

    Also, I called TV guy yesterday bc he had txtd a few times & I didn’t feel like responding to his questions or typing on my phone. We talked forever! He is actually very interesting & wants to take me out next Saturday but I keep forgetting to check if I can. Maybe he will want to take me for oysters….

    & CD asked me out again when we were chatting about relationships & I was telling him what I want… He also brought some wXXd & I just smXked a little with him, sitting out on the street right where I wanted to. It felt good for him to be fine just sitting down on the curb in the middle of a neighborhood & sitting there for nearly 2 hours actually just in someone’s front…….relaxing….sun…

    QT called earlier & left a message & actually called a second time after that. I’m going to smXke a little wXXd & give him a call…

  244.  #244Daria on November 12, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Mocha berry –

    ‘ he will say “we’re not together” or “you are a single woman and I am single man” when I hear this it doesn’t feel good’

    good for you! It Doesn’t feel good and thats great that you are recognizing this.

    Personally I say I don’t want to be friends and am clear about that too.

    Now for expressing is where the work is:

    ‘ I asked if he was out “shopping” because I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time trying to work on things’

    Instead of this, try: ‘ohhh….that feels bad…. (silence)’

    You are never really ‘working’ on a relationship because the man does all the work and you receive his attention so tweak that thought and drop the thinking in terms of wasting time trying to work on things.

    Here’s a script

    Him: we’ll you’re a single woman I’m a single man

    Woman: ouch. That doesn’t feel good to hear

    Him: we’ll it’s the truth we are single and you can do what you want

    Woman: that feels bad

    Him: why. You can do what you want now

    Woman: mmm. This feels bad to me

    Him: I thought that’s what you wanted.

    Woman: well…want to feel good.. When I hear that I feel insecure and sad

    Him: why?

    Woman : we’ll I have feelings for you and that feels bad to hear about us being single. I feel like I’m being pushed away

    Him: no you’re not being pushed away. I have feelings too. I’m just saying since you want things your way

    Woman: I want things my way and I also want to feel close to you


    Also one important thing for me would be about what *I* want as happily ever after (marriage?). And not being exclusive w the man before that’s on the table no matter how long we’ve been dating.

    Then I would say

    Woman: we’ll I want to be married, and I don’t want to be dating a man that doesn’t want to create that with me

  245.  #245lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    & randomly on the phone last night to this very business-y TV guy CD…like he is a real grown up man with a very big serious J.O.B. LOL…. I started talking about trXpping on Xhrooms — I wonder if I was TESTING HIM TO TRY & MAKE HIM POOF? HMMMM I get triggered by super grown-up men, like “mmmk – aren’t you very BORING, though????” — & he was like, “I have a bunch in my fridge” LOL & I was like, “whoah that’s kind of weird” & we were chatting about how we could take them : ))))))) THENNNN totally randomly this CD today was like, “I buy them whenever I can & just keep them for a nice day” LOL

    wtf humans you guys are weird…..

  246.  #246lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    @FW 242

    NICE – I love to make my nice words naughty : )

    Teasing is sooo sexxxy

  247.  #247lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    @Daria 244

    thanks for exploring that conversation…. I’ve been practicing with everyone to tell them about what I want & why I don’t want a boyfriend…. My mom really “gets” it which feels nice since she often doesn’t “get” me… My friends kind of get it, but they think I’m just being weirdstXnerchickmossygranolacrunchy about it & not really serious….My dad thinks i’m a nutter, but that’s normal…. My CDs I’ve only tried with a few, mostly on the phone, in person today I talked about it…. I never get to the full expression of it in one conversation though…. it’s an evolving thing to communicate in a way the other person can get….

  248.  #248Femininewoman on November 12, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    RE 123 Mochaberri I seen more than once that “backleading” can help to move the relationship forward especially when guys choose to do things because they feel it is their idea. Backleading gives you power because you are not “directly” suggesting stuff. This is a CCarter concept. You see he has changed his mind to accept your way of thinking without even realizing it. I would just chuckle internally and take the lesson from that. Apparently that might be the way that relationship flows. I would experiment with that if I were you. Use the same concept with other things. Find a way to communicate what you want to do in the relationship and then just leave it. My thinking is that it has been percolating in the back of his unconscious so now it is coming out. Sounds like power to me.

  249.  #249lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    I loved hearing about TV guy’s bad Xhroom trXps bc he seems so i’msotogetheri’magrownupihaveresponsibilitiesi’mstrong & i’m like i’msorandomi’mababyifloataroundi’mmagic & it was nice for him to share his vulnerabilities & to tell me things he’s scared about : ) made him seem stronger to not pretend those soft parts aren’t there – he wasn’t washywhinybaby about it…. just curiousconfidentexplorer…. cool.

    also, he’s going to help me with some stuff for work so I can get extra publicity : ))))) niiiiiiiice

    i’m trying to CD my boss at work LOL – he thinks i’m a nutter, but we’re getting better at working together

  250.  #250lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I wonder why I’m feeling actually kind of nervous to call QT back…………………….. ??

    I do want to talk to him… But I want him to call me, not me him? Weird. He has called/txtd a bunch & asked me to call him this weekend…..

    But I tried last night late before talking to TVCD actually (I was feeling very chatty about my painting) & QT didn’t answer & I felt a little bad he didn’t ring me back the same night… though he called x2 today & left a message… still…. ? I feel weird that if he doesn’t answer now, I’ll feel bad. Possibly I’ll txt right now & see if he’s available? Or maybe just call but no message… that’s good. Call, maybe he will answer haha – for some reason I feel he won’t…weird!!!, then no message. ok – go!

  251.  #251lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Wait — and also I’m confused – as QT called me from a different # today… like, what # do I call??? confused

  252.  #252lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    i really think my friend blocked me on gchat & it is massively triggering. i feel sad & creepy haha

  253.  #253lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    ok, but i bet he just blocked me because he is kind of in love with me & he just started dating someone

    (he is being exclusive with her…though they’ve met only 6 weeks ago & already broken up twice LOL – both times because of his feelings for me, i suspect)

    if he didn’t live in CA, i would want to kiss him i think

    : / but i like chatting with him & i want him to keep sending me beautiful music : ) i like him! i want him to come back!

  254.  #254lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    realizing i’m scared to find love —

    like, i imagine the man coming to me & saying, I want to be with you forever & part of me is like, “No, wait! You’re too close! I’m busy! I’m scared! I need space! I have secrets! I don’t want you here yet!”

  255.  #255Ice Princess on November 12, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Oh no! I’ve been so Sireny all day that I thought I would be rock star about what I just did but instead I’m scared and worried. I exchanged pictures with LP and I’m afraid he will keep them, even though he said he deleted them. Ah, trying not to panick…trying to trust him on this but I think I may be allowing past things cause this fear.

  256.  #256Starla on November 12, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Ice Princess – it’s been a while…how are things with LP? I’d love an update!

  257.  #257lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    @Ice Princess 255

    You are so sirenrockstar; don’t doubt it!

    Read this:

    & so what ???? Scarlett Johansson has nude photos floating around & she is sexy as hXll, right?

  258.  #258lk on November 12, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    oops – moderation lol

    @Ice Princess 255

    You are so sirenrockstar; don’t doubt it!

    Read this:

    & so what ???? Scarlett Johansson is siren-y to me : )

  259.  #259Ice Princess on November 12, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    He gushed one night about how much he loved me and that he did not want anyone else and I got really invested (probably too much) and it pushed him away a bit for a week or so but now he is back begging to spend time with me and if nothing else is going on I do and we have lots of fun with and without our kids so we are back on track but only because I started to lean back and enjoy things on my own. We even have a date scheduled for Monday for which he is missing an important thing for him just to be with me!

  260.  #260Starla on November 12, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Ice Princess, it really sounds like you’re getting more and more aware of how the energy exchange works in your own relationship. Nice work!

  261.  #261Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    LILI 41: 234 – Thanks for sharing and I really do understand how you feel. I engage in tit for tat at times when I feel that I’m being ignored or pulled of the shelf when he gets bored. Sit with your feelings and process them. From my experience I think who’s really being punished me or him?

  262.  #262Ice Princess on November 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    Thanks! I don’t fall apart all the time like I used to. 🙂

  263.  #263Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Daria – You are never really ‘working’ on a relationship because the man does all the work and you receive his attention so tweak that thought and drop the thinking in terms of wasting time trying to work on things.

    Thanks for this! I see and udnerstand that it’s the man’s job to do the work in the relationship and I am really working to lean back and let that happen. My NV pops up and tells me that I’m wasting time and I have to control that.

  264.  #264Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    FW 248 – interesting concept “backleading” – I think I stumbled upon that a few times. Through conversations with one of my gf’s about this guy during a rough patch I had said to him that I think we should wait until you finish xyz and then we can talk about things and he blew up on me. She told me that I was telling him what to do and of course at the time I didn’t see it that way. So some time later something was going on – not regarding the relatiionship – I said “just a suggestion – what if you try so and so” and when he did it worked and I believe he felt he came up with it himself because it gave him the option to try or not try.

    I would like to hear more on this if you have it.. 🙂

  265.  #265lk on November 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    just talked to QT – i felt bored by his talking about art but maybe i’ll see more……—— I’m really noticing how much seeing other people be around art TRIGGERS the hxll out of me….I think such weird thoughts & get hurt & scared & nervous & talktalktalktalktalk….. —-

    right now i’m feeling the pattern of wanting to give men tests like in school – like asking leading questions & of course I give the men I like easier tests LOL!!!

    I want to bring this man around some art & be like, “Oh I think this – what do you think – wowwwww” TO TEST HIM – bad girl, lk! naughty. don’t test. i don’t want to test. I’ll just observe – not test; just see – what are they doing? how does it make me feel?

    People who have looked at art in a way that turns me on… yummy to remember that! it is out there! : )))

    QT says he has it all planned out for us to have fun on Monday : ) & i said do i need anything, he said just yourself & a jacket : ) sounds easyyyyyysmoothflowy

  266.  #266Starla on November 12, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    lk, “right now i’m feeling the pattern of wanting to give men tests like in school – like asking leading questions & of course I give the men I like easier tests LOL!!!”

    Wow me too! but i never thought about it until you posted this just now. I feel illuminated, thanks

  267.  #267lk on November 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    noticed yesterday that i can be very boy running around doing errands… i know i see some men; but i’m like “i’m bizzy, OK – i’m boy right now – I’m doing things! I need to do things & i bet i can do them even faster & even better — wow yes doing things”

    like a boy playing a video game & not hearing someone talking to him

    i am running errands, missing men trying to meet me!!! sometimes I even kind of turn them off on purpose, like, “not right now, ok – we’re both boys, ok – nohomo bro” like all cool chill fratty bro

    not like open, ocean woman yessssss

  268.  #268Mochaberri on November 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    lk 254 – realizing i’m scared to find love —

    like, i imagine the man coming to me & saying, I want to be with you forever & part of me is like, “No, wait! You’re too close! I’m busy! I’m scared! I need space! I have secrets! I don’t want you here yet!”

    WOW!!! this was amazing for me to read!! I feel so warm and open – in the beginning of my situation this is wahat i was feeling – just didn’t label it or to be honest understand it but you nailed it!!!

  269.  #269Ella on November 12, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Lilli 42 re 229

    If it was me I would probably take D, for the therapy… AND let HIM drive.


  270.  #270lk on November 12, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    @Starla “I feel illuminated”

    Wow, wonderful!!!

  271.  #271Ella on November 12, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Luzydel re the sex thing.

    My idea was to try bring really in your feminine… and also maybe let him know that you like it when he is a bit more aggressive with you, encourage him to be a bit brough with you.

    I find gentle pushing, pulling, fling yourself onto the bed, playfully bite his lip.

    Get him to hold you down by the wrists and then writh and push back on him…

    That usually works for me, and also just getting really, really into it.

    If you are comfortable together you can play around and try different stuff.

    What about taking a shower together? You don’t have to have sex, but it can feel quite steamy (excuse the pun).

  272.  #272lk on November 12, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    i don’t like when people repeat inside jokes over&over&over… I feel bored. sometimes if i fake laugh, it turns into real laugh. But sometimes it just is fake & sounds really bad/harsh/clanging to me

    I want to laugh really hard a lot every day so my belly is sore…

  273.  #273Ella on November 12, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Re 236,

    I feel sad.

    And a tiny, tiny tad guilty/ashamed… and underneath that is fear.

    And I feel unlovable.

    And I feel defiant.

    I also feel curious, about which decisions cause the eye rolling? Would they cause me to want to roll my eyes too? Are they decisions made guided by Rori’s principles or decisions made at odds with Rori ideas… ??

    About this “A few posters trigger me here too and I don’t mention it because I don’t want to hurt them.” For me personally this doesn’t feel good, it feels like stuffing, not real.

    I don’t want to hurt anyone and for me I am learning honesty is the most healing way, un-doing the trained pattern I would have of tiptoing around people to avoid ‘hurting’ them, clearing the way for real intimacy.

    It feels super scary now to imagine not speaking up for myself when I feel triggered or upset, like abandoning myself…

    Also I believe most of the Sirens here are quite comfortable looking at tricky feelings and strong enough to handle my truth and also getting triggered.

    I feel sad when people choose to leave, and turn away from me, rather than choosing to explore triggers with me, and yet I understand that it is their right to choose this if they wish.

  274.  #274LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 4:31 pm


    Thank you for the suggestion Ik.

    It does feel good to be with D when we go on trips together, he’s so easygoing and relaxing.

    I just hold a grudge where I want to leave him behing like he’s been doing with me since last summer.

    If I go with Rori’s teachings, I should stay open and inviting. But he leaves me behind all the time, he’ll never choose me over his buddies invitations.

    I don’t know what it takes to heal this being left behind thing I have had since childhood. Always ignored and left behind by my parents.

    I have fun, I dance, I blend in w every crowd, I clown around and make people laugh. He’s the same way, and every single person in his family says we belong together, so do his friends.
    I just don’t get why I’m such a drag for him to be with.
    I think he’s just not ready for me. He’s still got a way to go to get his old relationship out of his system.

    I definitely need to cd. But I struggle with doing that while being open to him.
    I feel like I should cut him completely out to feel available to cd.
    I’m like black or white. I have a hard time to do gray.

  275.  #275lk on November 12, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    I really like talking in this room of wonderful women – I feel heard & nice & impressed & proud & challenged : )

    I hope you all have a great night!!!

  276.  #276Daria on November 12, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    I’m feeling kinda bad cuz this guy I liked did not figure out how to see me for our dates and so they were canceled cuz he found it too complicated to do public transport

    Then I did feel turned off tho I like him

    He said call me later and I said call me when you want to see me

    I feel bad I feel scared I feel guilty

    I feel scared I’m being a butch and demanding and insensitive


    That I punished him by saying that cuz my tone a bit that I turned him off

    I love me

  277.  #277Daria on November 12, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    LILi – babysteps

    And personally I wouldn’t take him, it sounds like it would feel too uncomfortable for me

  278.  #278Daria on November 12, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Ps – its not just gray, there’s all these colors… It feels magical

  279.  #279tinque on November 12, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    luzydel – I feel you pain. Can you look at it in this way maybe? Your heart has been broken, yet there’s now more room for more love to flow through you, heal you, soothe your wounds. You cannot know bliss without having experienced deep hurt.


  280.  #280Daria on November 12, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Mocha berry – you can tell your nv that there’s no such thing as wasted time, that you’re learning and growing yourself and get to bring all the goodies with you forever

  281.  #281LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 4:54 pm


    Thank You Mochaberri.

    Who’s being punished? The mature answer is myself.

  282.  #282LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 5:01 pm



    Therapy, that he is.

    My mom has come up with 3 guys that would like to keep me company on the road. They are all from my hometown and my mom knows their parents.
    I was so excited to get an opportunity to cd…who knows right?
    But darnit!! 1 of them is a priest, and the other 2 are gay.
    Women come to the big city for career, men to be openly gay without too much prejudice…or to become a priest. lol… 😀

  283.  #283LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 5:20 pm


    I’m so sad that you are leaving. You have brought me many helpful insights, wether addressing me directly or not.

    I feel sad that you feel the way you do. I’ve read Ella’s post and I don’t see what you’re seeing.

    You do get triggered very easily, and it is too bad you deny yourself the opportunity to be here and see what triggers you and how you can heal it.

    We all interprete posts through our own filters, and we all have our own triggers.

    I don’t believe Ella has a mean bone in her body, and neither do you. We all get triggered by something or someone. It is very enriching to look at those triggers without judgement, just out of curiosity to see what there is to learn.

    We wish you good, wish you would open up your heart to us and let us be with you.
    Don’t shut yourself out from people, you’re only punishing yourself, alienating yourself.

    Believe me I know what I’m talking about, I’ve shut the door in so many people’s face.

  284.  #284LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    People only want to be with you and love you, why can’t you let them in their own way?

  285.  #285LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Ho well !!! Just saw myself. Posting to someone else, but saw the mirror:
    @”Don’t shut yourself out from people, you’re only punishing yourself, alienating yourself.”

    “Believe me I know what I’m talking about, I’ve shut the door in so many people’s face.”….and I just realized that I’m still doin that. Hmmm.

  286.  #286Starla on November 12, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    I am having a hard time doing nice things for myself the last couple of days… i couldn’t bring myself to get a manicure, and i was thinking about ordering myself sushi but i feel paralyzed for some reason. like i shouldn’t be doing things like that.

  287.  #287LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    I’m alone here now and I’m spammin’.

    Thank you Lili for cooking up healthy today for yourself: Shrimp and veggie quiche and hearty spaghetti sauce full of veggies.
    Big batches to freeze up for those evenings coming home from work late and not feeling like cooking.
    Tomorrow is chicken pot pies. Yummie. :q

  288.  #288LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 5:36 pm


    I get those days too Starla. Wish I knew how to help you snap out of it…except to say sink into your feelings.
    I usually freeze up like that when I’m stuck w feelings I’m not ready to deal w.
    So I just go brain dead and stair at the tv for a day or 2. I seem to get out of the funk once I’ve let the feelings rise and taken a good look at them.

    I looooovvve SUSHI !!! :q

  289.  #289Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    Yay! I put the dollar bills I got last nite on my tall lamp in the money corner and now it looks like a money tree!

    And it looks fun and cute.

    Also I’m realizing how ‘money is an energy’

    And it’s not happiness and it’s Also not control

    Feels intriguing

    I be been EFTing along w Margaret Lynchs 7 levels to wealth Chakra program.
    I do think there’s some changed on a base level..,

    I was working chakra root.

    I also worked Womb chakra in Romania and I think it’s what created my ability to open my pelvis and feel the peace

  290.  #290Tiffany on November 12, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    lk – re #195 You are so funny about your body hair! lol.

    I think what you said in 196 is really important. It’s not whether we have body hair or not – it’s how we feel about it that gets across to the guy. If we have it, and we’re comfortable with it, he’ll still be attracted to it, because that comes out to him as confidence. And confidence is the most attractive quality 🙂

  291.  #291Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Oh shit hawkman just texted! He’s not dead or in jail. Wooh! I was just thinking about that.


  292.  #292Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    I also vacuumed and am reading this book that feels fun and interesting to me so far it’s about American history looking at the hustlers prostitutes etc those people that are judged

    A renegade history of the united states. Just started and am learning stuff and that feels exciting.

  293.  #293Lizka on November 12, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I’m having a girls dinner right now at home and obviously, the subject came to men. Even if I’m still learning, I feel proud to give advices to my girl friends! After all, they say teaching what you know is the best way to learn? No?

    It feels good to have all my girl friends listening to me and thinking that I’m brining a new thing here and that it can be THE thing! 🙂

  294.  #294Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    And how mixed culture it was in this level of society all types of people with no regulation

  295.  #295Starla on November 12, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    bah humbug, i went to call for the sushi but they said they couldn’t deliver to me tonight. And when i tried to bring myself get a manicure, the salon said they were too busy to do it, so i gave up on it.

    i feel like the universe and my feelings are conspiring in some way.

  296.  #296Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Mixed races and women owning taverns

  297.  #297Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    And people were drinking. A Lot.

  298.  #298Ice Princess on November 12, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Aww Starla, I hate days like that!

  299.  #299Starla on November 12, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    daria that book sounds awesome.

    if ur ever in denver you should check out this basement bar that used to be a speakeasy called the green russell. you can literally feel the historical renegade vibe. magic place.

  300.  #300Daria on November 12, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    They named their social group the Geneva Club … These people who bought and sold stolen Geneva gin.

    I think now they would be called a gang.

    I will start calling me and my friends a social group.

    I like that.

  301.  #301Daria on November 12, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    Starla maybe that’s why you didn’t feel like doing it your intuition knew it wasn’t gona work out. That’s been my experience often.

  302.  #302Daria on November 12, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Dang I’ve only read a few pages and never till now had an idea of how multiracial it was around the American revolution. It sounds a lot like now.

  303.  #303Starla on November 12, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    hmm daria you could be on to something.

    i guess i am going to cook myself something healthy to eat (all my food at home is super healthy). i am feeling a lot of resistance to doing this too, but i feel like it’s a toxic thing happening and not a sign to not do it (cuz i have to eat haha)

    i’ve been feeling stuck and a little depressed lately…maybe moving my ass to cook myself a goddessy meal will be good for me.

    then maybe i can do my own manicure? haha we’ll see. i’m feeling pretty unmotivated and lame.

  304.  #304Butterfly Wings on November 12, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Wooo! TH is here (as he has been for the last however long, and he was doing stuff on his computer and I was (finally) sorting out my office downstairs when he came down and walked out the back.

    My youngest little treasure was quizzing him about why he was downstairs and what he was doing (lol) and he said to me he was looking to see if I had room for some gym equipment.

    Hmmm…. I take that to mean he’ll be hanging around for a while if he’s planning to buy some gym equipment and keep it here. I said “Yeah! I’ll be able to use it when you’re not here!” And I left it at that! hehe! 😀

  305.  #305Daria on November 12, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Around that early nation time prostitution was not reay a stigma and many prostitutes married and were considers respectable. William Penns wife was a prostitute before she was married

  306.  #306Starla on November 12, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    i know! I can put on my ganesha obstacle breaker mantra! yes so glad 2 remember i have this! that thing always motivates me.

  307.  #307LILI 41 on November 12, 2011 at 6:21 pm


    I won’t have much time for cooking in the upcoming weeks, so doing it now to make sure I eat healthy when I’m busy.
    I feel lame and lazy myself. I need to take my car for an oil change tomorrow. Urghh, I don’t feel like it. But I’ll feel at ease once it’s done.

    So many things I want to do, but I procrastinate. I feel like I’m hibernating and it’s not even winter yet.

    I want to get back in touch with an old friend.
    I want to go buy a cocktail dress for my job’s Xmas party.
    I want to get my hair cut.
    I need to go buy the gift certificates for my job’s Xmas party.
    I want to tidy up my place.
    I want to do my budget.

    But all I feel like doing is cooking…Uh oh!…Am I stuffing something down w food?

  308.  #308Tiffany on November 12, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Whoooooooa Nelly.

    My mind is reeling.

    SUCH good practice today. Whoa.

    (For some reason that looks to me like I spelled it wrong, but I looked it up, and it’s right. whatevs!)

    Anyway…oh my g-d – V.

    When I showed up, he did his usual look-me-up-and-down thing. Which I didn’t mind. Because I looked HOT! But anyway….

    I am so PROUD of myself!

    I don’t know if I did a lot of “leaning back.” But my main goal for the encounter was just to be as open and honest as possible. Not to hold anything back. Not to hide or conceal information….

    Oh my goodness. He totally understood where I was coming from. And he was totally on the wavelength with me. I loved what he was saying and it was such a turn-on – even though we weren’t even talking about sex.

    And then – bam. It was like an anvil fell on my mojo. He checked his phone, so I casually asked if he was doing anything later. Yes, he was. Turns out he was doing less of a “thing” than a “who.” (basically, he said he was “hooking up with someone.”)

    It’s not unknown to me that he sleeps with other women. That’s his MO, and he’s been open with me about it already. He’s kind of poly, I guess.

    It was just the difference between knowing it, conceptually, and knowing that such a thing was about to happen very soon and with an actual woman. My stomach felt all tight and hot.

    He could tell something was up, and he asked me.

    I told him how I felt, and I told him that I just didn’t think I could see myself as being anything other than a monogamous person. I know he thinks it’s hot that I sleep with other men. But I told him that I definitely do not feel the same way about him sleeping with other women. In fact, it grosses me out. I still feel icky, just thinking about it…

    He said, ‘you really have control issues, don’t you?’

    I told him, ‘It’s not about control. You can do what you want. I’m just telling you how I feel.”

    And I also told him it’s not about jealousy, either. It was about the part of me that’s kind of a diva, and wants ALL the attention for herself. 😉

    Go me!

    He said that sounded “reasonable” – i.e. I am not a controlling bizatch. nope. I am just a rockin’ goddess siren who wants ALL the lovin’ and the goodness. 🙂

    But we were still talking about business, so we finished that up. And I figured, if I didn’t have another reason to be here with him, I probably would have left by now.

    But I’m not sure where I want to go with this. It’s not that I feel completely unattracted to him. Just that, in that moment, I lost all the feeling I had had of wanting him, physically – knowing that he was soon to be off and getting physical with another woman.

    He seemed to think that I was saying that I didn’t want to see him at all because of that, and that wasn’t what I meant. All I meant was that, in a “relationship” with someone, I wouldn’t be able to stomach it. But I am not in a “relationship” with him, or anyone – even though I have relationships with lots of people.

    Okay, I’m rambling…

    Just trying to process my feelings on this.

    He had wanted to see me next Friday, and I still feel like I am up for it. But what i want from him isn’t for him to say that he’s not going to sleep with other women. All I want is a solid date and time when I know that he is going to be there.

    What I said when he left was, “I just want to know that you are there 100% when you are with me.” And I meant that. But I think there are still some unfinished feelings that I should talk with him about before then.

    Luckily, he has been available and willing to talk with me.

    That is so good.

    All in all, it was a good experience.

    And I am SO proud of myself for just staying in myself, staying in my experience; speaking authentically and honestly about who I am and how I felt. I think I really had his attention.

    And that felt good.

    Whew. Long day!

  309.  #309Daria on November 12, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Dang when I read that post BW I feel kinda bad

    I’m like ‘who cares!’ if he wants to put gym equipment. I kinda feel a but angry. It feels uncomfortable to see a woman grabbing at little hints from a man that suggest he might stay around

    I would want to feel secure and connected, not grasping for what something might mean as far as him wanting to be with me.

    I feel sure a woman can have so much better in a relationship.

  310.  #310Starla on November 12, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    okay sorry for the lame play-by-play but it’s helping me actually be accountable for moving my ass.

    i put some fish in water to defrost and ate a snack to keep my poor body and mind from starving any further. now i’m going to paint my nails and watch a tv show:)

  311.  #311lk on November 12, 2011 at 6:25 pm


    i guess i am going to cook myself something healthy to eat (all my food at home is super healthy). i am feeling a lot of resistance to doing this too, but i feel like it’s a toxic thing happening and not a sign to not do it (cuz i have to eat haha)

    hahaha i was just feeling this.. blahhhh i know i have to eat but….it sounds boring – i’m like, “ehhhh I could probably wait til tomorrow morning & go get a huge fatty breakfast burrito yummm” & then my stomach is like, “stop fantasizing about food & do something now”

  312.  #312Starla on November 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    “stop fantasizing about food & do something now”

    lol lol lol

    i know, right? it should be so simple

  313.  #313lk on November 12, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    WOW Starla that was easy o.0

    I have a great salad with a little truffle oil, apple cider vinegar, herbs de provence, & amino acids; some falafel chips & roasted garlic; an apple, a bite of chocolate & some walnuts

    I’m taking care of myself – hurrah! & huzzah also to let myself type out the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs lol baby lk is happy & playing yayyyyyyyy

  314.  #314Starla on November 12, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    yay that’s awesome i love it, lk

  315.  #315Daria on November 12, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Also there were many transvestites . And children born without marriage and many women could leave their marriages or not marry at all this is around the time of the American revolution.

  316.  #316Esteemed on November 12, 2011 at 6:46 pm


    I’m feeling sad that you are leaving. I don’t like to see any Sirens leave. I just want to hold you here and make you work out differences, and I know I can’t do that.

    So instead I wish you well and will miss you, because I value each voice on here. Each Siren is infinitely valuable!

    Love, Esteemed

  317.  #317lk on November 12, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    i put some greens in between a broken chip like a taco – wish i had more garlic yummy

    this guy is txtng me but…

    me: I’m in love with [my new painting] : )

    Him: Why?


    But now maybe I’m considering, oh but maybe he is looking to go deeper with me….. it just feels like a weird question to ask — like, if i could say why i love it, the painting wouldn’t have a purpose anymore – you have to SEE the painting – that’s why it’s cool – it’s visual, right?? I can’t TXT why i love a painting?!?!? how silly

    well, so that’s what i’ll say: I don’t want to txt about why i love a painting!

    but i already had to say to him, i don’t want to txt about poetry so we had a phone call… but …. maybe that’s what he’s trying to do? idk

    ohhhh LOL he just now txtd more, “What about it strikes you?” that’s better, i can say the color & the depth : )))))) it looks like the whole universe! wowww

  318.  #318lk on November 12, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    @Daria 313

    transvestites really interest me – how interesting – boy/girl dancing & balance & “crossing” wow

  319.  #319Femininewoman on November 12, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    lk I would respond about how I feel when I look at the painting, to practice feeling messages

  320.  #320lk on November 12, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    I showered & my mom sent some new leggings with my dad when he came to help me. I’m wearing them with a flowy top – no bra – i want to make a bra that puts my brXasts where I want & is soft & compatible with clothing & lovely i want brXasts that are soft & not heavydown

  321.  #321lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    i’m so crazyfreakingouthappy to play this new music that CD brought for me today — wow, I am grateful — he burned me 4 discs of indie hip hop music which will be so much fun to dance to !!! a lot of it is actually dubbed by him from actual vinyl wowwwwwwwwww

    wow the book & sage look so cool on my little table with candles —

    @Daria – I know we were chatting about gifts & WOW I think i must have opened something up about it because this CD brought a whole backpack full of items for me it seemed : )))

  322.  #322Starla on November 12, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    you love the painting because looking at the painting feels like ________________.

    hehe you don’t even have to say anything about the painting itself.

    it sounds like art is really important to you, lk? is that right?

  323.  #323luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Please some advise on how to keep myself busy during weekends? I wont chase him or call him for sure…I feel too hurt to do that. But next weekend it is going to hit me when I know he wont be showing up…

    I am not even thinking if he ever be back…He was the “nicest guy I ever dated and someone I would have never given a chance, and I allow myself to become Vulnerable and bang, he took my heart and crushed it…I need to date some bad guys again…just to get my blood flowing…I feel numb

  324.  #324lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    i really did want gifts because museumCD brought me flowers & took me out fancyspoiling but… i didn’t want to be with him…. but it really felt amazing to know that he just wanted to spoil me! that’s what i want! not that it has to be fancy – CD did it even more amazingly because those flowers dried up & i had to throw them out – but this sage will last a long time & make me feel really really good – & the book is amazing & wonderful from india with COMICS of stories & lessons – amazing – & the music I will dance to : ))) woww gifts that will last me so long — & the painting is partly gift, though from such a platonic artist CD —-

    I do want to receive from men- i do want them to buy my dinner & bring me gifts & make my life easy so that I can focus on me & on giving openlike easy way baby

  325.  #325lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    whoahhhh just remembered that i kissed museumCD – that was odd – it was in an elevator & i felt a bit trapped, & a little like – wowww he is big – but just a tame kiss, like 2 pecks. & at the time I was like… not again. i don’t think so. we can go out again maybe, but no kissing. later & in the morning i was like NOOOO FREAKING WAY. never want to meet him again. yuck – no – he’s too big & old & scary yuck. but i did like him in a no-romance way…

    & he made 1 comment that felt APPALLING – like can’t write it out – I felt sooo traumatized & sXx doesn’t freak me out a bunch & i have a sense of humor – but this guyyyyy must have been a tone of voice or something

    anyway, i think the trapped feeling + the comment that was not so bad, but felt awful = gut instinct

    that stuff is there for safety, lady!!!! don’t ignore it!!!!

  326.  #326lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    feeling where my stomach is soft & feeling a little heavy & can’tmovewon’tmoveyoucan’tmakeme

    but i know that i do want to dance, so i will.

    i have little itches everywhere this second & am nervous that i haven’t cleaned the floor… i hate to walk on the dust but i want to do it tomorrow yuck i’m thinking yuck lk dust on my feet while i’m dancing & i just showered grooooosssss

    oh shut up – there’s no such thing as a perfectly clean floor, so just do the right thing: dance & then dust off on the sisal & then climb into bed, you whiny little baby ohhhhh you’re cuteeeee you’re such a little girl oh big hugs ohhh we’re princesses! we’re going to go dancing & playinggg yeahhhh i want to yayyy OMG JUST REMEMBERED NEW MUSICCCC fantasticccc wow

  327.  #327lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    wow also just thought of those really funny socks with toes & traction on the bottom – hillarious makes me feel like an alien – they will go perfectly with my outfit right now i will not have to feel the dust on my feet awesome i’m a genius i’m an evil beautiful genius that is a massive strong masculine mathematician – wowww hey, you’ve been quiet this week : ) you’re pretty fun, but dXmn you’re kind of a bXnerkill dudeee

    ok i will put lipstick on to make me feel feminine – wow i’m almost feeling fear right now of that big masculine that wants me to be a scientist & make lots of money – i don’t want to be that way – i just want to be open & receiving of the information that is given to me through my senses & through others : ) i don’t want to chase information or numbers – i don’t really FEEL that – i want to have feelings & notice patterns & really get into having a body & being a human

  328.  #328lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    realizing it’s hard to let that math guy go — he’s like — nooo you need meeeeeeeee – OK yeah, you should pay my bills & stuff…keep my calendar…….remember a few important things….. & turn off the lights & recycle & do chores or whatever…… but you can’t give me stomachaches or headaches!!! I don’t want anxiety & you are always trying to count things!!! LOL – ok, glad we sorted that.

    & now I’m like – who’s in charge of filing my insurance paperwork??? volunteers?? Dxmn. it’s just me living my life. LAME.

    I want my MAN TO do the paperwork OOHHHH YEAHHHHHH : )))))

  329.  #329lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    LOL – just imagined something cool –

    CD-ing myself = me dating the math guy in my brain

    I’m going to call him MathCD & DATE him ! yayyy oh he’s cute : ))) i like him, he’s so diligent & micro-focused lol ohhhhhh

    & then when i have chores I hate to do, i’ll just have mathCD meet me somewhere where I feel good & I’ll just let him show off & respect him & receive from him : ))))


    i really feel that love toward me that’s good

  330.  #330lk on November 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    MathCD is like, “LK it is t-minus 1 hour until bedtime” in like a really nerdy sinusy voice with his brow all furrowed & his lips pursed up all bossylike – he’s like, “tense up your tummy & crumple your forehead & worry that you’re not going to dance tonight”

    oh silly man

    i’m not in a hurry, i’m getting ready to dance to new music : )))) we can go slowwww it’s saturday i don’t have a bedtime i’m a grown aXs woman & I just move slowwwwwwwlikemolasses wowwwwwdeeeeeep breathingback&forth hearing the ocean in my hips

  331.  #331lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    music is making me feel sexy & i’m wondering if boy me or girl me is the music-maker – i’m imagining making dubstep tracks with these jamz – i’m thinking it’s hard because it requires a very intimate boygirl dance because it’s cutting the tracks & organizing them & adjusting levels & building files but it’s woman because it’s birthing

  332.  #332lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    i think at times ohh it’s too hard to learn all those things ! BUT i love it & I want to be man in that way – to allow me to create : ) that man is beautiful ohh yeahhh & MathCD is SO going to be with me FOREVER WOW I CAN REALLY DEPEND ON HIM – I’M AMAZED – he can show me how to create music & use the software really well & he can get my book published & help me finish my painting WOW I REALLY LOVE HIM

  333.  #333Starla on November 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    wow lk i love it…i kinda want to date math cd myself lolol

  334.  #334lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    wow. feels like i’m trXpping bXlls hahahaha wowwwwwww dizzy from that revelation that I can count on MathCD – like, he may not seem perfect at first….but… he is really going to be my forever partner & I FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT IT

  335.  #335Starla on November 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    i posted that comment before i saw the others u posted about math cd… now i REALLY want to date him.

    lk you are on siren fire tonight!

  336.  #336lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    have a bad nicotine hunger this second – i just breathed it out. i know it’s easy. it just feels interesting to imagine cigarettes & imagining makes me want it – that’s good – i’m imagining past cigarettes & future cigarettes; i should be focused on how LAME cigarettes are in the present & also how like i’m looking at my hands & they aren’t like idle or have a cigarette-sized hole in them haha – they are actually busy typing & they are just fine – no one here needs a cigarette, nicotine craving, but thanks for stopping in to say hi! Say hey to your buddy winecraving lol she can be a BXtch lol she fights to get my MathCD from me sometimes!!! that’s why i don’t like them!! they’re trying to steal my man!!! weird….

  337.  #337lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    holy bananas – i’m feeling really excited but also slow & calm & buzzy like lulllllllslowwwwwwstillldon’twannnnaaadanceeee
    wowwww maybe MathCD feels like dancing with me.. that sounds sexxxxxxxy that turns me on — oh he is in the mood to dance… dxmn he lookin owww nice – he says i’ll straighten up a little – you go put on a little lipstick & perfume & we’ll pretend we’re in a movie : ))) damn he really gets me he really knows how to get me going wow.

  338.  #338Daria on November 12, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Scott Noelle ~

    :: DARE To Be Real! ::

    Older kids often *dare* each other to do or say
    something funny, risky, taboo, or outrageous.

    These dare games give them opportunities to practice
    being *bigger* than the arbitrary rules, limits, and
    norms of society. And while the most daring kids may
    get into trouble with society, they also develop the
    extraordinary courage needed to uphold society’s
    highest ideals.

    Today, pretend you’re a kid playing a dare game
    with *yourself*. Notice when you’re on the edge of
    your comfort zone and dare yourself to step beyond it.
    For example…

    * If your child “misbehaves” in public:
    “I DARE ME to keep my heart open and
    respond creatively, even though everyone is
    probably thinking I should punish my child.”

    * If your friend is parenting in a way that
    you believe s/he’ll eventually regret:
    “I DARE ME to tell my friend what I see.”

    Have fun with this! Start small and build up to
    bigger dares. You may find that being courageous
    makes you feel as big as you actually *are*. 🙂

  339.  #339lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    wow, funny – when the post showed up & i saw the cigarette one, i totally had forgotten about cigarettes – that was like a 1 min craving haha i chased that bxtch away she is not sireny enough to compete lol I know it’s easy

  340.  #340lk on November 12, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    my throat hurts & I’m glad to be a non-smoker yay

  341.  #341Daria on November 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    I am limitless

    i am feeling my sadness and my blood has not come

    i have been feeling rushed and overwhelmed

    this is the time before my blood then

    take the time to heal, to notice

    this is the tiredness

    i need my energy to let the blood drain

    this loneliness

    this heaviness

    this tiredness

    i can feel it


    learn and grow more leanr and grow more

  342.  #342Daria on November 12, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    i am feeling sad

    i want to do mama gena inspired spring cleaning on men

    what do you have on men?

    i feel so pist that LY and Hawkman have poofed

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    i feel sad!!! i don’t ahve anyone to have sex with

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    im still pist at my dad for yelling at me

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    how dare he disturb my beautiful balance life

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    i feel hesistant to ask some of my older CD’s for help.

    thank you

    what do you have on men?

    it feels weird that almost all of my more ‘traditional’ type cd’s totally poofed after the first date though they seemed so into me

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    i feel pist at myself for paying for my food that one time with Sean and sean.

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    it was nice how that guy kyle rubbed my feet the other nite

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    im tired how they took all my energy!

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    no more last minute dates!

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    even tonite. i am NOT going out.

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    it was nice of my brother to call me and hang out and i blew him off!!

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    mmm i have a date tomorrow and i can ask him to drop me off at my brothers

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    i felt unimportant and treated bad that my dad decided to Raid the room with bugspray while i was still in it and sleeping there

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    im feeling annoyed how so many men are not able to get a hold of me but oddly the same ones seem to be ablebto

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    i hate how i had long convos with some when im lonely, but then they don’t actually meet… EVERY TIME

    thank you

    What do you have on men?

    i like how they’ve been massaging me

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    but their massages have mostly not felt That good after

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    that Lou Gross guy from backfix body work who made the stretches for my body is a man and i wish the stretches were feminine and fluid and dance like

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    I’m tired of masculine thinking jabbing at me from everything i read or hear

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    i don’t like how my friend i helped at the party just barely paid me and didnt give me a bag of weed like he said he would

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    im worried my dad’s taste is going bad picking all these bronze sculptures for the house

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    now i feel guilty cuz i’m mostly encouraging him to buy them and i do kinda like them a bit but not the overall effect

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    i want one that can eat me till i cry

    thank you.

    What do you have on men?

    i’m feeling exhausted by them.

    thank you.

    what do you have on men?

    fuchk men

    thank yu.

    what do you have on men?

    done talking about them.

    thank you.

  343.  #343luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
    ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

  344.  #344Starla on November 12, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Wow, thank you, Starla, for cooking me that amazing dinner. I feel fueled and light and full of vitality.

    thank you for leaving a small talk conversation when i started to feel weird

    thank you for leaning back all day

    thank you for keeping your sweet cool when my friend tried to turn our platonic brunch into a show of chivalry and that wasn’t what i wanted.

    thank you for accepting his nice chivalry anyway:)

    thank you for being sweet and mellow all the time…this is how i like to feel.

    thank you for not chickening out of speaking up for me when something doesn’t feel good, so that i can feel sweet and mellow all the time.

  345.  #345Daria on November 12, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    i am So not feeling lonely now

    i feel relaxed and calm and… good…

  346.  #346lk on November 12, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Oh my gosh i’m just flooded with this ocean love sexxy in my hips & lungs & out my head & feeling ready to dance with MathCD – wow he told me to make myself feel sexy, so i brushed my teeth & then MathCD came in & was like, let me floss your teeth & he was being so bossycute – i know that’s how he loves me/keeps me safe – like quoting statistics at me, while he flossed me & his hands felt so gentle on me – wowwww

    lol i’m going to ask him to change my fish’s water & sweep also & also organize my mail tomorrow morning

    it’s funny that these socks turn him on… my feet look like they’re going to rob a bank lol ummmmm you know what they sayyyy safety first

  347.  #347lk on November 12, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    i really don’t want to drive cars or be around cars anymore.

  348.  #348lk on November 12, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    that was a weird thought. i don’t know if it’s true or not. mathCD loves cars – like totally fascinated & loves to go fast lol such a boyyyy

  349.  #349lk on November 12, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    mathCD is like yelling at me from the other room – he’s so cute when he’s mad – he’s like – GET IN HERE I CLEANED UP & I want to dance with you!!! ohhhh baby boyyyyyyy you’re sexybaby jeeez i like that you can’t wait & you did everything to make me feel good & safe

    this is so weird i feel silly but i do like it

  350.  #350lk on November 12, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    I’m going to go dance & practice feeling as though mathCD is supporting me through the whole dance so i can really fully lean back, trusting him


  351.  #351Ankita on November 12, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Thanks daria, lyka, ella and lk

    i didn’t respond to his gaming requests, and i did find him online last night, but neither of us talked, i may be acting strong and unaffected, but to be honest, inside i die every minute i see him online and not talking to me, imagining him talking to every other girl in his list, maybe flirting with them, (provided the fact that he’s a social butterfly, and a NATURALLY CURIOUS person, who likes to figure out everyone)….

    i remember those days when he used to initiate talking to me, and now those days are gone, perhaps never to return back… he would never be back, as far as the situation looks like now…

    i hate it when i see him joking and talking light-heartedly to everyone, and i know that if i would approach him, i would lose, coz even if he says hi to me, it would be with a heavy heart and serious mood… i want him to be light and his normal self around me, but he’s oh-so-serious aound me….

    i can’t believe this is the guy who fell for me so madly one and a half year back, and now, the distance seems eternal… never ending…. i feel completely hopeless now…. have been heartbroken before too, never mind, i can deal with them, but this guy has broken my soul….

    right now am going to use NC, maybe for a lifetime this time, coz am really apprehensive if he would ever talk to me ever again,, he thinks me to be selfish, mean and rude to elders….

    anyway, i guess i did it well not to congratulate him on his promotions, coz when he isnt talking to me otherwise, why should he be paid importance by me there…???

    am crying now… i am so soul-broken right now, god knows alone why i met this guy who is this dangerous??? i still regret the night i added him on orkut, perhaps i shouldn’t have done so… i should not have met him, ever….!! :'(

  352.  #352Ankita on November 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    i lose both way, if i contact him, he would know i still want him, and then it would chase him away, and if i don’t, i really see 0.01% chances of him ever approaching me… in either case, it’s a lose-lose situation for me… haaahh, how ironic…!!! have never felt this hopeless before…!!

  353.  #353Daria on November 12, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Ankita – i know you feel terribly heartbroken and pining, but i know you will eventually feel better… this is still about you and not about him, so cry and heal all you can… this is about healing the attraction to men you pine over, rather than men who are actively pursuing you

    also i would suggest hiding him from your FB or removing him. I would not want to keep a man on my FB that I am dating or have feelings for especially if he’s not pursuing me in a way that feels good. Rori also does not recommend it.

  354.  #354Lizka on November 12, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Ankita re 349 and 350

    Awwww I really know how you feel. I’m in the exact same situation as you right now. I use to be with this guy and we broke up 2 months ago. We recently started talking again and being kind of friends. I’m not exactly sure where it’s going but for sure, for now, I’m the one who wants it more. And I really feel that if I don’t move foward, he won’t because I don’t feel his interest. I’m really bad at leaning back, even thought I understand al the benefits of it. In the last week, I called him two times just because I couldn’t hold it.

    But the more and more that I think about it, I realize that if I don’t totally lean back, I will just destroy more the relationship. I have to concentrate on the facts that if he has any feelings for me, after a few days or a few weeks of not leaning foward, he will wonder where I am. I am, I would say, almost 75% sure he will. I have to focus on this 75%. He was with me and loved me, and even cried for me! This guy had rea feeings for me not too ong ago and I think that if there’s just a small part of that still alive (even if he’s hiding it right now), when I’l be able to totally ean foward, he’s gonna start wondering where I’ve been, I have to focus on that. And it’s hard. And I keep wanting to call him. And I’m propably gonna call him again a few times before I can lean back 100%. But I realize that’s my ast and only chance with him. If I don’t make him room to control what we have, I wil never get him to love me again…

    And in the mean time, I’m having a bad bad time. I swear it’s super hard. And I’m still very bad at using Rori’s tool, but I try very hard to focus on something else everytime I think of him. I try to see my friends more often, to work harder when I’m at work, to buy beautiful cothes that please me. And I suscribed to an online dating site, just to have more chance of meeting guys and to start CDing more.

    It’s hard and I understand you big time. 🙂

    But f*** I miss him and I want to cal him so badey right now!!! But I’m gonna go sleep instead and tomorrow I will probably thinking of cleaning my house that is so messy after the little party I had tonight…

    I hope you’lle feel better. You’re not alone in that. That’s all I wanted to say.


  355.  #355Lizka on November 12, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    And hey! I had a little party at my place tonight and one of my old lover came over. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and we started chatting again. Just as friends, I don’t think he’s thinking about more, and even tought we had a great time few years ago, I’m not too sure I’m interested in him anymore. But it was fun tonight, a little flirty… Maybe he could be a new CD? Or a free therapy… We’ll see what happen! Could be fun and a great way to stop thinking about P also…

  356.  #356Lizka on November 12, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    PS, Ankita, about Facebook, I also understand what you think. When I broke up with P, I removed him from my Facebook because I did not want to see what he was posting, the pictures he was tagged him, the girls I know comenting on his status… This would have be not good for my imagination. I think I made a good decision, And this was 2 months ago. And I don’t even think he noticed that we were not Facebook friends anymore ’cause he never told me about it. And I also asked everyone I know who are also friends with him, not to talk to me about him. The less informations I have, the better it is for me. I think you should try this too. And than, maybe you will less “imagining him talking to every other girl in his list, maybe flirting with them,”

  357.  #357Daria on November 13, 2011 at 1:15 am

    one easy way for me to feel good and center myself is to look at myself in the mirror

  358.  #358Daria on November 13, 2011 at 1:55 am

    thank you Daria for thinking about brushing my hair

    thank you Daria for thinking about doing the laundry

    thank you Daria for thinking about gathering up papers

    thank you Daria for thinking about working out

    thank you Daria for thinking about organizing my table

    thank you Daria for thinking about using the drawer under my bed for clothes

    thank you Daria for thinking about using the humidifier

    thank you Daria for thinking about a bath and a shower

    thank you Daria for thinking about shaving my legs and trimming my nani

    thank you Daria for thinking about painting my toes

    thank you Daria for thinking about ordering the regenerating cream

    thank you Daria for thinking about doing the body vibration exercise

    thank you Daria for thinking about doing the cold water on nani therapy

    thank you Daria for thinking of taking hot cold showers

    thank you Daria for thinking of doing the Deer exercise

    thank you Daria for thinking of doing my clothes improvement projects

    thank you Daria for thinking about doing the vision board

    thank you Daria for thinking about taking apart a shelf case

    thank you Daria for thinking about recycling unused electronics

    thank you Daria for thinking of getting a cool way to organize jewelry

    thank you Daria for thinking of getting clothes out of the baggage

    thank you Daria for thinking about dusting

    thank you Daria for thinking about getting a big sheet to cover the windwo

    thank you Daria for thinking about vacuuming the mattresses

    thank you Daria for thinking about ordering more toothpaste and some Argiletz clay

    thank you Daria for thinking of doing some art

    thank you Daria for thinking of getting new headphones for the ipod

  359.  #359Daria on November 13, 2011 at 1:56 am

    thank you Daria for washing me

  360.  #360Daria on November 13, 2011 at 2:03 am

    i’m feeling so good!

    thank you Daria for being so gentle and accepting with me and choosing fun tools for me to use and creating some to make me feel good

    i felt so frazzled earlier and now i just feel peaceful and lovely

    i feel ready to bleed

  361.  #361Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 2:46 am

    307: Daria – Yep you’re right and I spoke to soon anyway. Things did a major turnaround and he’s gone.

    Whether that’s forever or not, I really don’t care to be honest. But I did give him his “ticket out” saying that we were basically doomed and stuck in a vicious circle.

    He’s out drinking with the boys now, and I wished him all the best in finding what he’s looking for, because I’m definitely not that girl.

    I feel sad, but not devastated. And also kind of intrigued about what my future now holds if he’s no longer in it…

    Health wise, I’m not too good right now. And I’m sure it’s all stress related. It’s great for my weight, but not so good for my stomach… :-\

    How could I let a man affect me this much??? Argh!

  362.  #362Daria on November 13, 2011 at 3:16 am

    ack im feeling so triggered reading “you’re right” refering to me in this context

    im like, right? i was intending so so so so carefully to not be making judgements or be pushy

    and then the voice says, see you are being seen as pushy

    or at least pigeonholed as such

    and i feel angry and tense in my shoulders


    don’t tell me im right!

    i was just writing for me really goddamit

    i no longer want to try and control others and this feels like manipulating me into that controlling role


    like yeah theres daria the domineering tells you you’re wrong woman

    i don;t want to be that woman

    i feel mad!!

    i feel mad at other people for triggering me to think im in that role

    i feel so defensive


    and i do NOT feel angry at me

    i feel protective of me

    actually i feel bad for me, which doesn’t feel too good

    what is there to heal here what is there to heal?

    feels really slippery

    ouch my foot is squeezing

    i want to heal this!

    i am allowing all the help i need to heal this

    i feel scared to get more triggered and feel misunderstood

    i don’t want to be understood as this being about BW

    this is about me

    i feel tense and angry!

    i don’t know whats going on with me and thats ok

    i am healing

    i don’t deserve to write this comment

    it could upset other people that are mentioned

    that triggered this process in me

    i want to find my compassion and reassue them and actually ifeel defensive and compelled to close up and get cold and wall offf


    that feels intriguing as hell

    i don’t know what this is about

    and its still healing

    BW i don’t want to blame you for triggering me . i feel caught up in some of my stuff right now

    and its healing healing



  363.  #363luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 3:41 am

    I woke up at 633 am…this is hitting me hard. I have felt disappointment with men before, but not this hurt. How can someone be treating you so well for months and then a week later suddenly change and say I do not think this is going to work out. Did I ignored any sign?

    I blocked him on face book and took him off my phone list. He said he wants to be friends and keep contact, an I said I don’t want to be friends with someone I have feelings for. Then I wonder if I was settling and then became attached.

    This guys told me he had no green card, that he suffers from clinical depression and other stuff that may make any woman leave, but I stayed. Was I settling because I wanted to be with someone? I have all these thoughts…Maybe I need to believe that any man can be good to me…no just depressed guys with no green card….

    I love this blog so much
    I love my broken heart
    I love my doubts

  364.  #364Lilybelly on November 13, 2011 at 5:03 am


    Me too, Lili, me too.

  365.  #365Ankita on November 13, 2011 at 5:39 am



    Thanks a lot for your support… Yeah i cried a lot today, trying to mentally prepare myself to move on, have thought of registering again for online dating, so that I could date men again… He’s not on my first id, i.e. the original id of mine, coz we had some problems on them, so i have him in my 2nd one, which i use to play games, and earlier, used to talkt o him through it. Honestly, in a fit of rage, i tried deleting him, but my mum and some other getexback experts suggested leaving him as he is, and not stalking or spying on him, though i find it really hard not to, but still i go less on that id, so that i can stay away from him. After reading Rori’s article, I know if he deletes me, that would be the “end”..!

  366.  #366Mochaberri on November 13, 2011 at 5:40 am

    @ LILI 41 – 279 – Yes the mature answer as you’ve pointed out is you are the one who is being punished. Funny how that works. In my experience, after I’ve done whatever to make me feel like I was punishing him, I was the one feeling bad. I also have a habit of when he asks me to do something I try and punish him and then I call right back and say I can do it – he not only recognizes I’m being unauthentic – he poitns it out and I’m feeling worse than I did when I tried to punish him. I feel like now he knows that I’m going to do what he wants even though I put up a fuss about it and that’s how I lose my power.

    Hope this makes sense…

  367.  #367Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 5:47 am

    Ankita re 363

    If you don’t want to erase it, I strongly suggest that you at least block him from your News Feed. You know how to? That way you will not see any of his activities unpurposely and start imagining things. I think it’s the first step. Wishing you luck with that.


  368.  #368Ankita on November 13, 2011 at 5:48 am



    How ironic…?? Our situation is so much the same…!!
    Though our first break-up was 1 yr back, but after 6 months of staying apart, we had patched up again, as both of us missed each other badly….
    But now, to be honest, to be close to him i seriously made some mistakes (but they can be overlooked, if he wishes), and now i too wanna lean back. Just like you, i too feel like talking to him once i see him online, thinking it to be casual, but then i think, if it was so casual, why he never greets me nowadays first…???
    I am concentrating on the same feeling as yours, that if he wants me, he’ll someday come. He neevr cried for me, but he was definitely afraid of losing me ONE DAY, coz i recall him calling me at 3 am a night when we were together, he sounded so scared, coz he dreamt that i disappeared from his life and he lost me, that night i remember him claerly saying to me, please don’t ever leave me, i want you so much… When i think of that, i feel like, how could the dynamics change so much…??? How could he change so much….????

    The never ending hope inside has started to die gradually now, as time is passing, am feeling disheartened…

    About deleting him, He’s not on my first id, i.e. the original id of mine, coz we had some problems on them, so i have him in my 2nd one, which i use to play games, and earlier, used to talk to him through it. Honestly, in a fit of rage, i tried deleting him, but my mum and some other getexback experts suggested leaving him as he is, and not stalking or spying on him, though i find it really hard not to, but still i go less on that id, so that i can stay away from him.

    feels good to know am not alone… :))…

  369.  #369Ankita on November 13, 2011 at 5:54 am

    Yeah Lizka, I guess I would do that, but only if I could hold back the temptation…!! 🙁
    Though I’m gonna try my best, coz else i know, the more i lean forward, the only thing he’s gonna think, “I’m too sexy for Milan. Too sexy for Milan. New York. And Japan.”

    People hardly realize the importance of things they don’t work hard to earn…! And I guess, I have been one of those for him, so far..!

  370.  #370Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 5:55 am

    As for me, I’m not feeling so great this morning. First because I slept only 5 hours and I’m a little hangover but I also feels like I sucks at being a Siren… I feel incompetent and inexpert. Yesterday while I was drinking with my friends, I called E. My God!! Why can’t I stay away from my phone! I feel hopeless. I’m saying that in a funny way. I’m not that mad at myself, I just don’t understand why I can’t do that, it’s so simple! At least I’m still healing back from P…

    Here is my wish list:

    1. I want to be able to get ALL of those on this list and I want to get that because I am able to use Rori’s tools.

    2. I want P to call me this week and invite me for a lunch of for drinks after work.

    3. I want E to send me flowers at my work.

    4. I want a new CD !

    5. I want to please myself and to take care of myself.

    6. I want to be a siren.


  371.  #371Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 6:06 am

    Ankita re 366

    It feels good to know someone who has a similar story. Like I said, I’m pretty junior at using these tools (about 2 months?!) and my advices are not the best, but I’m open to share our stories and compare and chat about it instead of spying our lovers and obsessing about it. It can help!

    Have a good day Ankita, I should be online all day if you want to talk.


  372.  #372LILI 41 on November 13, 2011 at 6:10 am


    BW, What happened?

    I’m curious bc your situation looks alot like mine.

    Maybe we can support and help each other.

    D is gone drinking w his buddies for 7 days straight on their annual vacation trip down south.
    Those buddies are all married. Except they do that only once a year, D did it all year this year.
    Me and the other women were welcomed to join in, but all 3 of us are stuck at work w no vacation time until Xmas week.

    I went with these same buddies in April. While D was again tossing me aside to have fun on his own,
    something interesting happened: His longtime friend gave me alot of attention and we connected without any flirting. That was great practice.

    D noticed it. I’ve been needing this friend’s help with his computer savy. D refused to let me talk to him directly about it.
    I suggested he come over w D to look at my computer, and D refuses. He wants us to bring my computer to his house. I don’t find it very practical bc I have both a pc and a laptop I want him to look at. He doesn’t want the guy to know where I live maybe?…He lives 5 minutes from me.
    I told D that I felt controlled. He said that the guy would leave his new gf in a heartbeat if I ever showed any interest.
    It worries D bc his ex left him for his close friend.
    It is so against my values to do that. But that’s D’s pattern, not mine (his junk).
    His friend is the 1st man I’ve ever met who can both be mature and funloving at the same time. I’m attracted to fun men, but they all tend to be immature. I attract immature men, surely bc I am immature in relationships.

    For D, drinking w his buddies is always priority no 1. Honestly, I don’t know how to inspire any different in a man. My 2 former relationships were the same way, and they were all very different men with very different personalities. So what do they all have in common? Me.

    I’ve been frozen in my cocoon with all of them. D is the one who triggered me into gradually being comfortable in my own skin, thawing out my feelings and breaking out of my shell. So all his triggering me has been for my own good so far, even if it’s been painful. I like to call them growing pains. I may just outgrow him if he doesn’t grow up.

    So if a man like his friend exists and is attracted to me, then I should definitely broaden my horizons by cd’ing.

    He called me an hour before leaving. He said “well I have to call you bc you’re not going to call are you?”
    I said “Nope, I wouldn’t feel good to reach out to you bc it doesn’t feel good to me to chase after a man.” Leaning back is getting easier all the time.

    I’ll be reviewing my Toxic Man Program today.
    The quiz revealed that he is a Difficult man, not quite toxic.

  373.  #373Mochaberri on November 13, 2011 at 6:12 am

    @Daria – 244 – Thank you for the script, exploring the possible flow and helping me process all this – I have engaged him in such a conversation which as I stated earlier turns into an argument. His response is that when I had the relationship that we both talked about and agreed on I didn’t appreciate it or him because if I did I would not have done the things I did to destroy it. Now you want me to be good after you did what you wanted to do. He will then say I’m on the fence about what to do and I tell him I’m on the fence too.

    All of this makes me feel confused, emotionally drained and frustrated. I’m finding it hard to be open and inviting to him with so much emotion coursing through me knowing what I know. I find it hard not to cut him off completely which as been suggested by my friends and let him figure out what he’s missing.

  374.  #374luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Where can I send a private email to Rory?

  375.  #375Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Oh! I just opened a profile on a dating site and it feel exciting! I created the profile 15 minutes ago and already have all these guys talking to me! Wouhou! Maybe it’s gonna be a good practice!

  376.  #376luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 7:50 am

    I Posted this to Tinque on the old post, will re post here…

    I Know tinque…I am just trying to figure out what went wrong…

    Last Saturday He invited me to a party he had at his place and it all seemed great…then on Tuesday He sent me a sweet txt message, but did not hear from him until Thursday when I told him I was feeling some distance. He came home after work and talked to me; he expressed his concerns and said he needs to work on some things and that some times he feels he can give me what I need.

    However; he said he will stop by next day, he did not and said he had to go to his boss place to get some things done. We talked that night for a few minutes; I expressed how I feel and he seemed ok and said he will call me. Saturday night he called and I was up beat and all, then He said I made a decision about us… “I do not think this will work out”; I was quite, but then when I talked I cried, I said I understand and respect his decision, but that hearing that was breaking my heart, because I became attached to him.

    He started to feel bad and said please don’t cry, etc. He said he feels that perhaps he will regret this decision, but that right now it was the best. That there were things that even though were not big made him think if this will work out in the long run, That he cared and that all he did was real and to give him sometime and perhaps he may come to terms and see things more clearly, but that right now he is just not feeling to go forward. I did not beg; I said I will miss you and if you ever miss me just contact me. But that I cannot be his friend or take his calls checking on me. That I was hurt, but that the last ting I needed was his pity. It was bad, I know it as bad for him also, because I did not give him any big issues to terminate, but he was just no feeling it any more. He was an amazing guy; and perhaps no one did anything wrong, some times relationship come with an expiration date. Who knows if he will ever contact me again, I know I wont. I just need to heal and keep busy…

  377.  #377Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 7:52 am

    360: Daria – Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re seeing things from a different perspective because you’re detached from my situation. So you’re able to see things much different to how I am and I do appreciate your insight.

    In this case you WERE right, and I’m grateful for having you offer your perspective. 🙂

    361: luzydel: (((HUGS))). I know this will feel so much better in a few days, but thinking of you anyway while your heart heals.

  378.  #378lk on November 13, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Just woke up – still sore in my lower back so I’m hoping more smoothstretching today…… i’m spreading a blanket on the rug so it’s soft on my spine…

    I put on an ex’s shirt & buttoned all the buttons & “he” took out my recycling & meanwhile I will light some incense & make a coffee & leave my lady relaxing in her body while my man sweeps & changes the fishPaolo’s water & I want him to mop as well

    I’m hungryyyyy but I don’t want anything yet. I want a big hot burrito, but I don’t want to go there right now & I don’t want to make myself an egg thing but i know it’s yummy, just feels hard. also, what about that onion? is it too old? borrrrringgggg oh yeahh i don’t need to do it the onion wayyy that’s easssyyyybabyyyyyyniceeee

    okkkk…what else – ohhhh
    I want someone else to hang that painting.

    I think that WriterCD poofed finally after my open universe painting comment – that feels good, he felt a little lame to me & not a “real” man, don’t know why

    that funny young boy txtd x2 last night & now he is really step-up wanting to take me to lunch today when i’m up to errands, so that will be a nice break to be a woman from my man & actually i’m going to be girly on all my errands after cleaning up – like all, “Oh, thank you car for carrying me & playing nice songs to me & wowww i love to be taken to fun places where i can get anything I want”

    And especially this morning i woke up being like, MONEY is so man. I don’t need or want money! & then part of me is like noooo bXtch you cr8zy wtf are you talking about psychoooooo — & then i’m like, whatever, smoothflowyeasyyyy, i just know that money is a construct : ) smilesweet, movingflowing

  379.  #379Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 7:59 am

    370: LILI 41 – Things were fine until he received a phone call from a female friend asking him to join her and another friend at the pub today. He turned her down, but when I realised it was the same girl who’d hit on him about a year ago I was massively triggered!

    SHE is who he was out drinking with on the night of my birthday. Not me. He wasn’t with me because the married woman (the one he has feelings for) was with me, celebrating my birthday.

    This wouldn’t be so bad if he actually invited me to go with him sometimes, but as I pointed out to him today, he’s invited me to join him and his friends twice. In a YEAR. I’m sorry, but after a while, a girl kind of gets a complex about that!

    And tonight on FB, I see he’s posted a status, some girl likes the status and he writes: “When will you be joining us? You know you want to!!!”.

    I’m sorry, but I want to be with a guy who wants it to be ME joining him – not some other random women!

    So he’s angry at me because I got triggered, and I’m feeling sad, angry, etc because even though I know he cares for me, it’s just not enough because his other friends are who he wants to socialise with – not me.

    I’m a social person by nature too, so all of my socialising has to happen without him. How nice it would be to have a guy who wants me by his side…. 🙁

  380.  #380lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:07 am

    @Lizkaa 373

    Wow that does sound fun!!! I have been maybe thinking of doing a POF, I have OKCupid…. but it is sooo funny actually after getting tons of messages for a long time, suddenly i get zero!!! it kind of feels good & relaxing even though I did double-check my profile to make sure i hadn’t accidentally changed my about me to like, “i’m ugly, boring, hate to laugh, & think all men are prigs”


  381.  #381Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 8:10 am

    I feel like there’s something wrong with me, but then on the other hand, I’m thinking “wow… look at what he’s about to lose. He’s the big loser here…”

    I know he will never get someone like me again and I’m thinking that’s part of the reason why he has stuck around. And I KNOW I can do so much better!

    Here I am after a year and a half, still feeling unloved and unappreciated. Meanwhile, my sister is about to move in with her man, who she met only earlier this year.

    My closest gf was having a romantic candlelit dinner with her man tonight at her house too.

    I want what they have! They’re both so happy with their men, and they’re obviously loved and adored. I feel like crying…

    Why am I keeping an obviously toxic relationship when I could have what they have???? Why am I punishing myself???

    I don’t deserve to feel this pain over and over again. I don’t! But I let TH treat me like I don’t matter yet again, and like I’ve always done, I’ll welcome him back with open arms when he contacts me again (probably after work tomorrow).

    Why do I find it so hard to put my foot down about my boundaries? I can be alone, and I’m ok with being alone, and am already contemplating a very lonely Christmas, but I know I will survive.

    I also know that there are a gazillion men out there who would give their right arm to date somebody like me. So why aren’t I going for it????????

    I want a fun guy – one who wants to have fun with ME!

    Ok… rant over. I feel better. Thanks for “listening” sirens… sigh….. xx

  382.  #382lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:17 am

    @BW 377

    Me too… I want that man who wants me to go with him everywhere because he just can’t imagine having as much fun with his buddies without me…. & I want that man who when I don’t want to go out will make sure i’m all fed & happy & safe & leave me alone for a while to be calm & do womanmagic lol……ummm…. I also want my own bedroom always. I want to close a door & do secret things or stay up all night with the radio on sometimes…. & then it will feel extra nice when we choose each other for allnight sexcuddlesleepingyummm

  383.  #383lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:22 am

    wow just made myself feel crazy & like a sinner because of the magic….. & now I’m like whateverrrrr spazzz you don’t even know how to do magic & then the really good voice is like, “STOP – I am learning – thank you for noticing that it is coming into my life” — now i’m also like, super sassybossy, “umm like you don’t even DO or MAKE magic – duhhhhhhhhh – you just SEE it & WELCOME it….siggghhhh goshhhh kidsthesedays”

  384.  #384Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Well there IS some good news in this sad story. I have plans Tuesday night (no men involved, but it’ll get me out of the house at least) and also on Friday night – this one’s the one I needed to have plans for!

    IF TH is well and truly out of my life (although he’s left stuff here by “accident”), then Friday night I’m going to let my hair down and be open to ANYTHING that comes my way.

    The stupid thing is, TH hated when I went out without him. But he never invited me to go with him. So what did he want me to do? Sit around at home alone every single night??? He knows I get lots of attention when I go out too. Meh. Too bad for him.

    I’m not after marriage (been there done that – twice), but I am after a relationship with a guy that’s committed and exclusive and with someone I am happy to grow old with.

    Sadly, I’m more a FWB than a girlfriend (he always said I was so much more than that, but his actions often told me otherwise). Ick! I don’t want that. And that’s a boundary I’m going to have to stick to: I do NOT want to sleep with anybody I’m not in a proper relationship with.

    He’s free to live his single life, but if that’s what he wants, then he doesn’t get me with it.

    Let’s see how strong I can be about this tomorrow (or today that is – it’s after 2am here)…..

  385.  #385lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:27 am

    i had this really weird moment yesterday where giftCD, artistCD & my dad all came together ——– LOL — they all freaked out a tiny bit, but I just distracted them – turned a little pirouette & it was all over easybabyyes

  386.  #386LILI 41 on November 13, 2011 at 8:39 am


    Wow BW, you’re my spitting image!

    Looks like he’s putting you on the shelf, keeping you safely on layaway while he puts himself out there.
    That’s how I feel.

    We need to cd. We have options just as much as they do and we should explore them.

    Have you done the Toxic Man Program?

  387.  #387Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Here’s part of an email I sent to him tonight:

    “I don’t want to (and I can’t any longer) sleep with somebody I’m not in a proper relationship with. It feels bad and it’s like I’m selling myself way short because I know I deserve way better than FWB. (he always said I was a LOT more than that, but that’s what I feel like).

    So your ticket out is all about me acknowledging that you want to live the single life and not be in a relationship with me. I’d rather let you go than pressure you to give me what you obviously don’t want to give. But I won’t accept any less anymore. I can’t.

    So the single life you crave, which includes not upsetting me, is all yours….”

    Ok, so I’ve set the boundary and now to actually stick to it! :-\

  388.  #388lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:41 am

    ~*~WISH LIST~*~

    Want P to stay poofed; borrrringggg

    I want someone to take me for oysters

    I want a new free cell phone

    I want a new computer with a big screen & new Ableton Live with no instrument limits really cheap or free

    I want TVCD to call today & ask, “Is there anywhere in you’re neighborhood you’re dying to go?” & I can say OYSTERSYESYUM

    I want QTCD to txt & be like, when will you be done with work? meet me here at that time easyfreebabynoplanningsimpleflowing…. wonder if it will be fun enough to accept his invite for Friday as well… I think it will – I want it to be fun!!! : ))))

    I want CDCD to call me & be like, “How do you like the music, i want to take you for dinner” but it will have to be next week, not this week since i’m bookedup, but I do want him to bring me a bunch of fresh, greeenhouse wXed that he helps a friend grow – wow that would be great & fun & i want that!!!!

    I want MathCD to sweep&mop, make me breakfast & then also organize my mail – YUCK I HATE TO DO THAT – & then also clean my car & change my tires

    I want smooth skin, shinylong hair, softsweet breasts, openoceanbreathing hips — I want longrelaxed muscles — I want healthy voicebreathteeth

    I want men who travel for me, give to me, share with me, embrace me, know me, accept me

    I want economy & abundance

    I want my own space & I want to feel connected

  389.  #389Butterfly Wings on November 13, 2011 at 8:44 am

    384: LILI 41

    I keep telling you that we have a similar story – scary huh???

    And yep. He knows he has it good with me, so he puts me on the shelf, goes and does his single stuff, then comes back to the warm fuzzy place with me. He lives the perfect life, and I’ve let it happen.

    I already CD to some extent, but yeah I need to do MORE because the other guys in my life are really NOT what I want. At all…

    I’ve done targeting Mr Right, Modern Siren and Commitment Blueprint. Hindsight tells me that Toxic Man should’ve been on the list, so no I’ve not done it – yet!

  390.  #390lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:45 am


    1 guy on OKC: You’re possibly the most peculiar, prettiest girl I’ve ever met.

    Another 1: Me conquering my Planophobia so I can grasp an opportunity to hang out with someone amazing. (I’m talking about you-hooooooooo).
    Oh god. I’m terribly cheesy. My sincerest apologies, madam.

    LOLOLOLOL oh baby human men – you are sweet & darling & make me want to snuggleyummm

  391.  #391lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Your profile is really funny! Excellent Nas reference… Did you actually enjoy Midnight in Paris, or was that sarcasm?


  392.  #392lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:50 am

    @Starla —- duude are you in Denver?!? whoahhhh i am : ) I want to go the the green russel speakeasy wow that sounds fun!!!

  393.  #393lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:52 am

    *I always wanted to be a gXngster*

    bumbumbumbumbum wobwobwob

  394.  #394Ella on November 13, 2011 at 8:55 am


    I have one of POF who KEEPS contacting me asking to be my slave… initially I replied with ‘ha ha, you are so funny!’ and he replied with ‘no, I am serious. I really want to be your slave!’.


  395.  #395lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:56 am





  396.  #396lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:57 am

    LOL @Ella 392

    sometimes I’m like wowwwww that’s weirdawesome & sometimes I’m like wowww that’s justplainweird haha

  397.  #397lk on November 13, 2011 at 8:58 am





  398.  #398Ella on November 13, 2011 at 8:58 am

    BW re 359,


    What are you going to do when he comes back this time…

    I am feeling quite cinical… ie he will just show back up when it suits him… and I hope you will be able to do whatever is needed to take care of YOU.


  399.  #399LILI 41 on November 13, 2011 at 8:59 am


    I have that boundary. I’ve been feeling like a FWB too.
    I’ve only slipped once in 2 months. Sometimes I’m afraid that he’ll go get it somewhere else. But he hasn’t and he’s been calling me more, he’s been more affectionate and he’s been seeing me more.

    But it’s not enough, I’m looking for a real connected relationship.
    I realized that I never knew how to connect without s*x, and this boundary is certainly forcing us to learn to connect on a deeper level.
    If he doesn’t learn that with me, than I will surely outgrow him.
    You see, I have my own learning and growing up to do that’s not about him but about me. He’s just good practice and good triggering me to help me heal and evolve.

    BW, take a good look at those triggers and use them as a miror to redirect the focus on yourself and what you have to learn about yourself in them.

    Another woman going after him was a big trigger for me, and he was paying her attention.
    I spent a whole year and a half trying to “get” what that trigger was all about, bc it pops up in every relationship for me.
    I “got” that I was jealous of this women bc they seem to NOT be afraid of getting close and connecting to him, while I WAS afraid.
    As soon as I finally got that and shared it with him by talking about myself only and not him nor her…He was very compassionate and began to see a whole other side of this other woman on his own and pushed her aside without me asking him to.

    We’ll see where it goes for the rest. This relationship is a tremendous healing opportunity for me no matter where it ends up.

    When I’ve done enough healing, the right man will show up and be drawn to me, whether him or another.

  400.  #400Ella on November 13, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Luzydel re 361

    Sorry you are hurting.

    Maybe CD-ing will solve this… maybe exclusivity was too soon?

    I don’t know… only you know what is true in this situation.

    I know for my CD-ing and not becoming exclusive until I have the total comittment I want offers me protection from guy’s issues and from rejection.

    Thats why I love it. Even though sometimes it feels hard…


  401.  #401lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Now i’m txtng men whose names are Sasha & Sterling – such pretty names, I’m like, “Are you women? Good morning dear, soft woman….let me wake you gently like a mother……”

  402.  #402lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:07 am

    @Ella –

    “I know for my CD-ing and not becoming exclusive until I have the total comittment I want offers me protection from guy’s issues and from rejection.”

    WOW yes i feel that too, it’s amazing….

  403.  #403LILI 41 on November 13, 2011 at 9:08 am


    BW, Toxic Man is a great program!

    And it’s not about cutting him completely out of your life. It really helps see our toxic situation in a clear light.

    D is coming back from vacation on Thursday. There’s no possible communication until he reaches the airport here. I know coz I’ve been there myself.
    I have no idea what to expect.
    Like what if he met someone else there?
    What if he doesn’t call?
    What if he only calls after being back for a couple of days to test me? Bc He tries to get me to reach out to him but I don’t bite anymore. I know better bc that’s when he takes me for granted even more.
    How will I react?
    What’s the best way for me to react? With my feelings of course, but I don’t always know how to access those in the moment.
    I’m spending a lot of time here to get ready.

    Right now, I will kick my butt into gear to go buy those gift certificates I’ve been procrastinating about. Then I will treat myself by going to this liquidation center to look for a pretty cocktail dress for my job’s Xmas party.

  404.  #404lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

    & I’ve also noticed that when I did get a little focused on just 1 guy & he wanted to poof, & when he does I’m alone because I’ve not been meeting & cultivating men, then I can go to men in memory —

    That’s a good way to heal that past trauma – to go to past men & really love on them…. really see the best, really respect them.

    & also see past patterns & love yourself & heal them

    Wow, I’ll never be without men because I have my memories & I have my own masculine

  405.  #405lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

    @LILI 41

    “a pretty cocktail dress”

    wow, I’d love that… that sounds so fun!

    I put a mr.rogerssweater over my exshirt & my hair in a bun & loafers, no makeup. I’m a boy wowwww

    he’s like, “Make me coffee, mate! It’s blxody 1026 on a sunday morning! blahhhhh”

    But secretly, i know it’s a costume, so i’m like, easybabynoworriesiloveyou we’regoingslow we were up late dancing…… stiff, warming, stretching, sore, opening, coffeee nowwwwslowwww

  406.  #406lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

    i’m glad i’m writing all this down because i’m feeling really “enlightened” at the moment, & i know that “darkness” comes around ebbs&flows I want to welcome it in easybabyopenoceanhips….. i want to trust the flowwwyesssssiknowitiseasyopeningup wowwwwww I can just breathe through it….. & here comes a little nip of nicotine craving that is like dark, ok good i can just do this very calm.

  407.  #407lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

    speaking of calm, i don’t want coffee. weird.. i just want steamed almond milk… ok little baby ohhh cute littlebabydoesn’tlikecoffeeawwwwww

  408.  #408lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Wow… imagining the dark place is kind of taking me there….hmmm it is very deep – endless cavernous very very deep & no light, no air. wow – I could go in there & get lost, but I can still see the close walls to me at the entrance, can still hear the ocean behind me, echoing raging sound in the darkspace – i feel like i have brought the light there a little, just at the mouth of the dark, with my eyes & my powers to see & feel, I feel the whole rumbling in my waterbelly & the front of my head buzzing wow sparking wow

    hmm, the dark can’t pull me in….. though i can feel a longing to walk in there to explore it…. slowly, i will go there, when i have learned more about how to bring light there

  409.  #409lk on November 13, 2011 at 9:55 am

    wow i am understanding more & more & am still very afraid of it all – of the largeness itself – wow, i am small – so small that i am not even sitting here – so dispersed atomicallyenergetically – wow i can feel the electrons changing orbital levels in aura – wow the whole open balancetumblechaos spreading out like that – that’s really good & i’m just moving easyflowingtumblingwaterwindfire

  410.  #410Corin on November 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Wow, I just wanted to share that I feel so happy right now.

    In my last relationship I tried soooo hard to use the Rori- rules of leaning back, feeling messages, taking care of myself and it did mean that the guy stepped up to pay for everything, took me on lovely dates and took care of me but I just never had the emotional connect and intimacy that I craved. It triggered me so bad when he would withdraw whenever he was stressed, short of cash, tired or anything that was bothering him really. I cried so much, i felt so lonely. I knew it was triggering my own issues about men being distant but I just didn’t know whether that meant I had to learn to work through it with him or if he was wrong for me.

    Well eventually he felt so distant (i guess we were triggering each other) that I broke things off with him. it is a BIG deal for me to end a relationship as I usually hang in there, blaming myself.

    Because of Rori and the Sirens this time I knew there were so many men out there who would love to love me.

    This new man, it’s been nearly 4 months and he just showers me with the love and affection I craved with the last guy. He responds to the FMs in such a different way and repeatedly shares his own feelings, telling me it is because he feels safe and not judged by me. It feels sooo good and I’m so excited for the future.

    I don’t expect people to read all the way through that super long post. I just wanted to write down how amazing it feels to be loved so much and to still take care of myself. The right guy feels right.

  411.  #411Ankita on November 13, 2011 at 10:06 am


    love love love to you darling…!! i feel so supported…

    i have decided that am going to CD again, something which i had stopped doing once he came back to me after 6 months, obviously he had got the air that am dating other guys, coz one of my friend was dating his friend, and his friend was the one who made us fight and breakup, so obviously she supplied all my news to him, and he was mad at me for dating others when he came back…

    but then, now i wanna do it for my own, can you help me with me a dating profile about me…?? i dunno what an dhow to write…..

    any response is more than welcome… 🙂

  412.  #412lk on November 13, 2011 at 10:06 am

    wowwww babyCD just called to arrange lunch at Panera booooring & then he’s like “wear a yellow hat so i can recognize you… or a vest?” I’m like whaaaaaaattttt LOL you’re an idiot kind of, but I do like to laugh : )))) i’m like i have long hair & you have my phone number weirdo

  413.  #413lk on November 13, 2011 at 10:13 am

    i’m kind of mad, almost want to wear my boyclothes on the date lol like to punish him – like, hahahha dummy now we’re both boys – i winnnn

    but there will be other men everywhere today!

    & i’m imagining being at a party & flirting with ALL the men & one of the being so step-up that by the end of the night he is already convinced he wants me in his life & has gathered information from me to make sure this will happen – all without me giving him any more attention than any other man in the room – like invisible wooing – like a spider web – fine but strong – wowww now imagining bridges built of spider webs — stronger than steel — men build, women weave

  414.  #414Corin on November 13, 2011 at 10:14 am

    I just read your comment about not feeling too confident at oral (im paraphrasing as I can’t find the exact comment so if I’m misunderstanding you then I’m really sorry!). I used to feel that way but then i decided to really confront it. I read tons on line about techniques etc and just made a real effort to do it as much as possible! I found a lot of guys actually have quite a few insecurities about this themselves- is the girl getting bored, will they enjoy it, are they giving the right signals etc and they responded really well to me just being enthusiastic! It made them feel better knowing that I really wanted to do it and since then it’s been building and building and now guys LOVE it and so do i!

    I guess I just wanted to say that it doesn’t have to stay difficult. It can become amazing. xxxx

  415.  #415lk on November 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

    i hate when people yell at their dogs. i miss the sound of rain… we haven’t had it in while….

    i like hearing the wind blow dry leaves : )))))

    clouds in the north look like upside-down stairs


    mmmk i’m wearing pinks & flowers & boots & warm leggings & warm wool sweateriknit yesss warm

    & I put on silver eyeliner LOL & big blue gems in my ears yes wowww pretty sparkly princess likes it : )))

  416.  #416Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Ankita re 409

    I just opened this profile today and I never tried online dating before. But so far it’s working good since I got 2 guys interested in me who keep chatting for almost 2 hours!

    In my “interest section”, I just went with what is a casual day for me. Like I work from 9 to 5 every day but at night I like to go happy hour or cook for myself and have a tv night. In the weekend I like to do that, that and that and for vacation, I want to travel there and there. I don’t know if it’s the best thing to do, but like I was saying, so far, I seem to attract guys! 🙂

    And it’s good for my mood too because since the morning, I almost haven’t think about P and I don’t have to focus on leaning back for now. One hour after I created my profile, I decided to go for a nap, but I couldn’t sleep because I was feeling too excited to go see if I had got new messages! hehe. I don’t know if I will meet these guys because I don’t feel super comfortable going on blind dates, but we’ll see. At least it’s a good distraction, and maybe after all I will try to go on a date if one of them asks me out, just for free therapy. 🙂

    I feel really happy today and I think it’s because of this. I really recommend you try it. It just CAN’T be bad I guess 🙂 🙂 🙂

  417.  #417luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 11:21 am

    “D” Found me on POF lol. He said if we can meet this weekend, I said to let me know a date and time so I can save it for him. “D” is a guy I CD for about a month. He was great in bed and we got close, and he felt he just wanted something more casual so he distanced although he kept contact with me. I don’t see him the same although the attraction is there, I just don’t expect anymore from him, but he can be one of my healers right now…lol

  418.  #418luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

    398: Ella

    yes I stop CDing too soon, I had two other CD’s beside him but they faded away and he was the last one standing and stepping up. I did not take the time to put other men in the rotation, and since he was stepping up so well, I felt I could give him a chance and see.

  419.  #419Daria on November 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Thank you Daria for noticing my throat feels itchy in the morning

  420.  #420Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 11:36 am

    lk re 386

    Lol you make me laugh. I love the way you write. And I feel totally inspired by your wish lists. I want to make those too and update them very very often.


  421.  #421Daria on November 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Arjuna Ardagh

    Why It Is Wise to Worship a Woman

    A few days ago, after a particularly exquisite evening with my wife Chameli, I put this post up on Facebook before going to bed:

    “I have had many, many great teachers in my life. A super abundance. No one and nothing comes close to the woman who is now asleep in the bedroom. My marriage has become the guru, the salvation, the muse, the crack through which the divine shines through.”

    When I woke up the next morning, there were the usual offerings of people who liked the post as well as comments. One man had the vulnerability and courage to post this on facebook:

    “Thank you Arjuna for this sharing, I feel like [I’m] in front of a choice which is between feeling envious of what you have and I don’t, or instead to decide that ‘I want that too,’ and, as you show, it is possible…”

    I was touched.

    Over the next days, I got several more messages like this from men: vulnerable men, honest men, rare and courageous men. They came in as private messages on Facebook or through our website, and they all said basically the same thing:

    “I read your Facebook post. I want what you have. Show me how to get it.”

    So, friends, here it is. The short guide on how to worship a woman, and why it’s the wisest thing that a man can do. First of all, lets pop a few very understandable doubts that you might have. I’m familiar with all of them.

    1. “I’m wounded and damaged in my relationships to the feminine.”
    So am I, dear brother, so am I. My parents divorced in a messy way when I was four. I grew up alone with my mother. She did her very best to provide for me, but she was unhappy and insecure. By the time I started to have relationships with women myself in my early teens, I discovered that I had a mountain of resentments, fears, and separation in my relation to the feminine. The conscious practice of worship can become a part of healing the wounds.

    2. “Arjuna, you’re lucky. You’ve got an incredible partner. I’m together with a woman who’s not like Chameli.”

    I really don’t have the ultimate answer to that doubt or question. It certainly could seem to be the case that I’ve been lucky in finding a great woman, but here’s how it happened for me. I’ve had a lot of less lucky connections in my life. I’ve experienced my share of the manipulative side of the feminine: the victim, the rageful, the vengeful. And I have seen the ugly side of the masculine psyche in myself. A few weeks prior to meeting Chameli, my wife, something deep and profound shifted in me, which I believe can shift for anyone in the same way.

    3. “I don’t have a partner at all, and I sometimes doubt if I’ll ever meet anybody.”
    Being with a partner where worship is not flowing, or not being with a partner at all, are basically two aspects of the same situation: you’ve had an intuition or a glimpse of the possibilities of a deeper love, and you want more of it. The solutions are the same.

    4. “I feel my heart is closed down. I live in my head a lot, and I wouldn’t even know what worship was if it broke into my house at 2 o’clock in the morning and held me at gunpoint.”
    That’s where the whole thing starts for all of us, when we realize that we don’t yet know how to love. And that’s that the big question that you have to consider: “Is that okay with me?” Never mind how much money you make, or how many friends you have on Facebook, no matter how nice a house you live in, or no matter how big a car you drive, no matter how impressive your partner’s bust size, or how much you meditate and become spiritual… have you loved for real, in a total and undefended way? If not, and here’s where you have to be honest with yourself, is that OK with you? Is it OK to die one day without the heart’s gift having been fully given?

    Eight or nine years ago, I came to that question in myself, exactly that, and I discovered that the answer was, if I was was raw and vulnerable and uncomplicated, that it was actually not OK. If I died one day without having fully loved, it would not have truly been a life well lived.

    Many many years ago, I went to Bali for a vacation, on my own. I met up with some other young travelers there and we hired a Jeep to take us on a tour of the island. We drove up right to the highest point of the island, where Tourists don’t usually go. Our guide took us to one of the most sacred temples. It was surrounded by a big brick wall with an ornate entrance. After removing our shoes and wrapping scarves around our heads, we stepped together through this entrance. Inside, there was a short courtyard and then another brick wall with another entrance. After more preparations of lighting incense and giving offerings, we stepped through the second entrance. We were allowed to go through the opening in one more wall, but that was it. All together there were ten walls around the deity in the middle. Hindus could go beyond the fourth wall. Devotees of that particular deity could go beyond the fifth wall, and so it went on. The only people allowed to approach the deity directly were those who had given their lives completely and totally to its worship. Everyone else could come a little closer, a little closer, to the innermost beauty, but not all the way to the center.

    I’m not a big believer of the worship of statues, but there’s a beautiful symbolism to what I saw there, because a woman’s heart is just like that. At the essence of every woman’s heart is the divine feminine. It contains everything that has ever been beautiful, or lovely, or inspiring, in any woman, anywhere, at any time. The very essence of every woman’s heart is the peak of wisdom, the peak of inspiration, the peak of sexual desirability, the peak of soothing, healing love. The peak of everything. But it’s protected, for good reason, by a series of concentric walls. To move inwardly from one wall to the next requires that you intensify your capacity to devotion, and as you do so, you are rewarded with Grace. This is not something you can negotiate verbally with a woman. She doesn’t even know consciously how to open those gates herself. They are opened magically and invisibly by the keys of worship.

    If you stand on the outside of the outermost wall, all you have available to you, like many other unfortunate men, is pornography. For $1.99 a minute, you can see her breasts, maybe her vagina, and you can stimulate yourself in a sad longing for deeper love.

    Step through another gate, and she will show you her outer gift-wrapping. She’ll look at you with a certain twinkle in her eye. She’ll answer your questions coyly. She’ll give you just the faintest hint that there is more available.

    Step through another gate with your commitment, with your attention, with the small seedlings of devotion, and she’ll open her heart to you more. She’ll share with you her insecurities, the way that she’s been hurt, her deepest longings. Some men will back away at this point. They realize that the price they must pay to go deeper is more than they are willing to give. They start to feel a responsibility. But for those few who step though another gate, they come to discover her loyalty, her willingness to stick with you no matter what, her willingness to raise your children, stick up for you in conversation, and, if you are lucky, even pick up your dirty socks now and then. And so it goes on. You’ve got the gist by now.

    Somewhere around the second wall from the center, she casts the veils of her personality aside, and shows you that she is both a human being and also a portal into something much greater than that. She shows you a wrath that is not hers, but all women’s. She shows you a patience that is also universal. She shows you her wisdom. At this point you start to experience the archetypes of women, who have been portrayed as goddesses and mythological figures in every tradition.

    Then, at the very center, in the innermost temple itself, all the layers of your devotion are flooded with reward all at once. You discover the very essence of the feminine, and in a strange way that is not exactly romantic, but profoundly sacred all the same, you realize that you could have got here with any woman if you had just been willing to pass through all the layers of initiation. Any woman is every woman, and every woman is any woman at the same time. When you love a woman completely, at the very essence of her being, this is the one divine feminine flame. It is what has made every woman in history beautiful. It’s the flame behind the Mona Lisa, and Dante’s Beatrice, and yes, also Penelope Cruz and Heidi Klum. You discover the magic ingredient which has lead every man to fall in love with a woman.

    When you learn how to pay attention to the essence of the feminine in this way, you fall to the floor in full body prostration, tears soaking your cheeks and clothes, and you wonder how you could have ever taken Her, in all of Her forms, for granted even for a second.

    So just a couple small questions remain. First, do you get what I’m talking about? Does it jive for you? Does it make sense? And second, if yes, how are you going to get from where you are now to being able to the full capacity of your heart to love for real? I’d be glad to share more about this if we get to know each other better, but here’s how you get started.

    First, do what I did, and create an altar in your room dedicated to Divine Feminine. Put only symbols of the feminine on it. I have a painting called “Beatrix” by Dante Gabriel Rossetti. I have a statue of Quan Kin. Populate your altar with anything that reminds you of the feminine, and spend a few minutes of the day in worship. Yes, worship. Adoration. Devotion. Offer up rose petals. Offer poems. Offer everything, and beg Her to reveal Her innermost essence to you. This will work miracles whether you’re single and waiting to meet the right woman or whether you’re already in relationship and long to meet your woman in a deeper way.

    The second way to get started: make a practice, a discipline, of telling your woman, or any woman, ten times a day something which you adore about her. “I love the smell of your shampoo.” “I love the way you laugh.” “The color of your eyes is so beautiful.” Of course, you need to keep it appropriate. You can go as far out on a limb as you like if you’re in relationship with a woman, but with anyone else remember the gates. Keep you communication appropriate to the gate number that you find yourself at. Appreciation the curve of a woman’s breast, for example, if she happens to be the cashier at the supermarket, would equate more to harassment than worship.

    So here’s enough to get started. Of course, there’s a lot more we can say about this. Feel free to post your comments below, and I’ll use them as the foundation for future blogs.

  422.  #422Ella on November 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    BW re 377,

    It occurs to me that maybe none of this would matter IF you KNEW and FELT without doubt that he is for you.

    If he was coming at ya in a way that left no doubt in your mind and heart, that he wants you, and you are his one woman.

    And my suspicion is that we can’t feel this, even if it is there, until we truly lean back.

    Then statements like this “When will you be joining us? You know you want to!!!” wouldn’t matter a bit cus you feel sure he is yours… you would probably be like ‘yeah, come and join us’.

    For me this is the difference.

    When I know my man is putting ME above all else and all others….

    And I don’t want anything else.


  423.  #423LILI 41 on November 13, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    408 :

    Thank You for the inspiration Corin! xox 🙂

  424.  #424Daria on November 13, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    hmm i feel triggered . i feel like im being dismissed

    i don’t like that and i also feel down to think that i am dismissive

    i hate that silence when my mom doesnt answer me

    i feel lonely and uncomfortable.

    and i hate that my dad complains about me regularly

    it feel sad and hopeless

    i feel angry that I didn’t maintain that state of bliss i was experiencing when i first came back to california

    i feel pretty hopeless right now

  425.  #425Daria on November 13, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    i want to heal this. i want to maintain that state of wise attractive bliss and good feelings


  426.  #426Ella on November 13, 2011 at 1:29 pm


    “Why am I keeping an obviously toxic relationship when I could have what they have???? Why am I punishing myself???”

    Good questions…

    Myabe this is a starting point…

    And I know how you feel about being lonely at Christmas, I fear this too. And I realise I have always had a boyfriend at Xmas… and its not been a conscious thing… and maybe it is simply cus I don’t want to be alone at this time… and this year I have already decided… I am going to bravely face my feelings, alone, with you Sirens, and I will be fine.

    A boyriend is for life not just for Christmas 😉


  427.  #427mali on November 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Oh, Daria. BIG HUGS!

    I know how it feels to feel dismissed, and sad, and uncomfortable around my parents.

    But remember- you love your sadness, and uncomfortable-ness, and your triggered-ness, and all of you icky, squishy feelings… because you love YOU.

    Love to you, beautiful Siren!

  428.  #428mali on November 13, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    @419- Daria

    Ohmigosh- I’m feeling so MOVED by that! I love it!

  429.  #429Lizka on November 13, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    There’s some hot guy talking to me on this dating site. But also some weirdo. One asking me just like this while introducing himself “how would you react if the man you love offers you a leather skirt”. Lol!! What kind of question is that?! I’m laughing out loud alone in my home!! What am I suppose to say? NEXT! Ahh it feels good and refreshing to just press “erase” all day 🙂

  430.  #430luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    I feel Lonely

    Try to call mom she doesn’t answer
    Try to call friend not around
    No one has called to check on me today 🙁

  431.  #431Butterfly wings on November 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    396-Ella: oh Ella I hope I can too! I love that man so much! But I do love me more… :-/

    Back to work today after a week off – hopefully I can avoid him for most of the day at least…

  432.  #432Daria on November 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    wow i haven’t heard from the guy i was supposed to meet today

    well i can do something else more fun which is kick it with myself at home


  433.  #433Ella on November 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Good Evening Sirens.

    I need a little help.

    I have a CD who I met on POF, and he is like REALLY, REALLY into me, and we have not actually met.

    For me, it is not real until we have actually met.

    I have expressed this, and we are meeting on Tuesday, and yet he keeps calling and texting.

    And saying how much he likes me.

    And I have just been going with it, but I feel afraid, like surely this is just an imaginary relationship he is making, as he has never met me.

    It makes me feel afraid cus how can I compete with a fantasy of me, if you know what I mean?

    I feel weird, cus I don’t want to tell him he is wrong, and I am not fabolous, and on the other hand I am looking for real, not fantasy.

    And actually so far I feel good with him too. Like I have never once felt like I don’t want him to text or anything.

    He praises me massively, and it just feels good, and I look forward to recieving his calls and texts, and yet I feel really afraid now… of not fancying him, or not clisking in real life.

    Any advice, thoughts, feelings?

  434.  #434Butterfly wings on November 13, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    397 Lili – I like how you think. I think my trigger goes back to my last marriage when I was cheated on. I thought I’d gotten over it but now it’s clear I have trust issues.

    Sadly though, TH broke my trust in a bad way and I only found out about it because he was extremely drunk and told me all about it.

    Not sure how I’ll get past this….

  435.  #435Ella on November 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I WANT SEX!!!

  436.  #436Butterfly wings on November 13, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    420 Ella – yeah I’m not feeling it at all. I said to him yesterday to go find someone he really wants to be with cos I know it’s not me.

    And I’m not 100% sure he’s for me either. But I won’t know for sure till he lets me in. And he won’t so I suppose it’s just time for me to get out there again and find somebody else – starting Friday!

    Ex coworker also wants to catch up for a drink one night this week too.

    I know this will all be for the greater good.

  437.  #437Butterfly wings on November 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    424 Ella – I had my first and only lonely Christmas about 10 years ago and it felt awful. My grandmother had died 3 days before too, so not only was I lonely but I was grieving too. I so don’t want to go through that again.

    But this time should be better because I’m prepared for it. 🙁

  438.  #438Daria on November 13, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    omg i feel so triggered and uncomfortable reading BW’s comments aobut “giving the man an out” and “telling him to go find someone else”

    these are my past behaviors. sometime when i’m upset i feel compelled to go there and say that…



    i decided to vote for myself instead and am so glad i usually do

    i think its taken out so much of my drama

    and sometimes i have still slipped intot he drama … i felt anxiousness in my body

    and said to hawkman, well perhaps im not the woman for you then


    i feel all pressed down like im being crushed with a car crusher


    i want to be gentle with myself

    i find myself feeling so angry at BW

    and then i feel guilty

    and scared

    to express it


    i want to express on what im feeling as im experiencing the world

    i do NOT want to hold back out of fear of causing harm

    i don’t want it to be harmful

    i fewl rargh bust thru the bonds




  439.  #439Lilybelly on November 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm


    I know how you feel exactly. I really try to keep communications to a minimum until we actually meet. Most importantly, I don’t want to make him more in my mind than he really is.

    It’s hard to do that but I like those guys who move it right along, from initial email, to phone to requesting my presence in a matter of a couple of days.

  440.  #440Daria on November 13, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    I have never felt lonely at christmas

    even when i was all alone at home and my fam was on vacation

    i feel kinda judgemental of people who say they are and also i feel scared like if i pay attention too much to what they’re saying it will rub off on me too


    i feel very defensive right now

  441.  #441Butterfly wings on November 13, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Ella yeah I’ve had a couple be a little too quick in declaring their feelings for me before we met and i don’t know… I’d give them a chance but I would wonder if they were saying all that because they’re desperate or something.

    If he feels good to talk to then maybe he’s just one of those guys who wears his heart on his sleeve and he’s perfectly ok. Bring on Tuesday huh? 🙂

  442.  #442Lilybelly on November 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Every year, I spend most of the entire day of Christmas, all by my lonesome…by choice. I usually light all my candles, my Christmas lights, prepare some delicious chow/snacks, crack a bottle of wine and enjoy the perfect atmosphere and watch one of my new DVD’s that I get from my ex. So much fun.

    I look forward to it after the busy-ness of the previous couple days. It’s all about me day.

  443.  #443Ella on November 13, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Weird POF profile alomg with a photo that looks like a mugshot from a jail line up…

    “I am good,Cool,Handsome, I always appreciate people that loves me. I am VERY caring and i LOVE TO share.

    I can’t really think of anything else to write … so if you would like to know more … you can ask me …

    Too many words will amount to lies …

    See you people.”

  444.  #444Lilybelly on November 13, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    I changed my POF headline to:

    “The icing on your cake”

    Hee Hee.

  445.  #445LILI 41 on November 13, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    My shopping was productive.
    I got 3 pretty feminine dresses for the price of 1.
    1 gorgeous satin plum w black flower print for my job Xmas party.
    2 sexy sundresses for my trip to the sunny beach in April. Don’t know who with, but I’ll keep a positive outlook that someone will pop up to bring me 🙂

  446.  #446lk on November 13, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    I got all girly & went in the car to meet babyCD – he was so funny – I was leaning way back, but he was so inmyspace like talking close & bragging & interrogating & complimenting — I could see him trying to get the power back & I was trying to lean back & let him but he kept falling into me – into my deep ocean space – I kept smiling, but he was crazybaby talking sXxbabieswhateverbraggingreligionwhoahhhhhbuddy —- he made it impossible for there to be any tension in the thread of the relationship

    he couldn’t give me gifts I wanted. he asked me if I wanted a cookie – i said no – he said how does an oatmeal cookie sound – i said i’ll have a bite of yours – he said i don’t want to share my cookie with you. he bought me my own cookie, then BROKE IT UP FOR ME LIKE A BABY he was like, i’m making you bitesized pieces LOL!! I grabbed the untouched half – superfast & said, “I’m feeling so stressed out!!!!” & literally RAN AWAY with MY BIT of cookie – that he actually touched eeeeewwwww – hahahahahaha then later he’s like, you have to finish your cookie – wtf dude. no. i didn’t even want a cookie!!

    then i went to run errands, so I meant to go do something about my phone & return things & buy stamps blahblahblah dothingsdothingsdothings – so instead i drove – without thinking LOL – princesslk wanted to go to this cute trendy part of town so I parked & took a walk, bought myself a cute chalkboard messageboard thing that is nice purple, also a necklace with a gold & that makes me smile, & a couple flowers which I’m going to draw. cool : ))) i also bought a really pretty glass bottle to mix some jasmine/orangeoil together & make a little perfume : ) yum, prettyprettyprincess…. so those were my “errands” babylkkkk

    i’m going to take a bike ride, sweep/mop YES

    I did call my dad & ask for help with the phone thing, so i guess that is how princesslk wants to fix some problems – just pass them along – but the thing is he seemed really really really happy to help : ))) thank you

  447.  #447lk on November 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Wowww I suddenly feel really really scared

    like, i’m dumb for not doing my chores….

    i hate doing my mail & filing things….

    museumCD sent me a message about being fwb so i just blocked him ewwwww that makes me feel horrible to imagine & scared & absolutely appalled & dirty & very very small & weak & degraded I hate it I don’t want to feel this ever

  448.  #448mali on November 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    @marina: Did you receive my email? If not, email me at =)

  449.  #449lk on November 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    i bought myself flowers – it’s ok, lk – – I want bells on my doors to help me feel safe from big men. I want a big pipe wrench under my pillow to knock out his kneecaps when he storms into the room &