Coaching Yourself To Power And Self-Esteem

Untitled design (14)

This is blowing me away. What you’re doing here is taking the Tools in this blog, and then Coaching YOURSELF! And then, by sharing everything you feel and everything that’s happening, so many of us can learn so much.

And then I reply and Tweak – and you can see, just by looking at the dialogues – how FAST all this can happen for you. You can feel so supported by getting what this process feels like and looks like, from real women actually going through it. So, Brava to you!

If you haven’t already, take a look at all the comments of Reshi and Daria in the whole Power & Self-Esteem Category posts, and follow what they’re doing with the step-by-step “Stop Solving Problems” series right here: To Daria’s comments-> and Reshi’s comment->

What’s going on is they’re learning how to recognize what their patterns are, catching themselves before they repeat an old pattern, writing down what the thoughts are, then FLIPPING them, as my Tools explain in detail, and then LOVING the wants, the shame, the anger – ALL of it.

Then – they’re going out in the world, relating to their men and to NEW men. (NEW men are VERY important – that’s why I ask you to Circular Date – or at least Flirt and Date Yourself – so that you can use these Tools with NEW experiences.) It works a million times faster to try new ways of being with NEW men who are like blank slates.

It doesn’t even matter how it goes with him – if it’s boring or frustrating or “a “waste of time” – (nothing’s a waste of time…) – it’s just that it’s a new experience that counts. You catch things and Flip things and try new things so much easier and faster with a new situation – where you get new triggers and new experiences, and a new man to work off of.

To Daria and Reshi – just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m not going to write any new instructions until I see how you’ve wound through these steps, and I’ll keep talking to each of you with new posts like this. Here’s the Tweaks:

Reshi – please look at my last post in the series about the LOVING EVERYTHING part. What you wrote was magnificent, so insightful it blew me away – and I want to take you to the next step. You’re in a really interesting place, where you’re following your thoughts and feelings around – and they’re still totally “negative” in that you finish each sentence with a negative result.

For instance, you say “maybe I’m angry that all my masculine energy has gotten me exactly nowhere in love OR in my career.”

Now – this is still a “Problem-Solving” place because it’s a “judgment.” It judges the feeling, and puts it together it with a “negative” result. Your anger is just anger, and you can love and appreciate your anger. Your Masculine energy is a powerful, beautiful thing. In this comment – you’re BLAMING your feelings for the bad results – and I want you to separate those two things out. One does not lead to the other. You’ve laid these out BEAUTIFULLY here – and I want you to keep going with that – but ADD IN the LOVING part – so it looks like this:

You wrote:

“…I’m worried that my hair is falling out.
Maybe I’m angry that my parents kept cutting off my hair when I was a child.
Maybe I’m slowly poisoning myself and killing myself by stuffing down all my toxic emotions.
Maybe I CAN achieve perfect health– and maybe I’m afraid to go for it…

Now add:

I’m worried that my hair is falling out, and it’s so okay that I’m so worried, I must be trying to protect myself, how sweet I am to want to protect myself, oh, I really care about me, I love that I care about me, and my hair is falling out – how interesting is that – well, if that happens, it will be okay with me, because that’s what will happen, and I yet – what I want is lots and lots of hair – I want glorious hair – I can go on and on about this for awhile – imagine all the wonderful hair I can have – and it’s okay for me to want such beautiful hair, yes I want it and I deserve it and it’s okay to want something so much, and every time a hair falls out I feel so upset, and I love my upset feelings……..

Can you see how to do this? Just take every negative, turn it into an okay – even a good or great or powerful – thing, see with the WANT is on the other side of it – make the negative okay – you love even your fear and negative feelings – and then make the WANT okay – and then take off on that, and just love the heck out of everything.

Take everything, accept it, and then turn it into a GOOD thing, a COOL thing. See how far and how high you can go, then feel the fear that comes up when you fly out too high and far for your comfort zone, and just work your way through it again. Here’s more: 

Maybe I’m slowly poisoning myself – wow, do I want to poison and kill myself? what do I get if I do that? wow – I’m a poisoner! – how powerful is that! I can kill myself just by holding back my feelings? Wow – I’m totally a siren, I’m totally a powerful cookie. Hey, is it that I don’t want to be here? I don’t want to have to be here? I won’t have to suffer – wow, I don’t want to suffer – no I want to be happy, and healthy – and I want to LOVE my toxic emotions….. 

This is what my Toxic Men program is all about – and I go into it more and more and really demonstrate it, and other women do it, too. It’s totally fun to say that something we’ve always thought of as “bad” – can be GOOD. It’s really “radical” and fun. So let me see how that works for you…

Daria – the crying and laughing is totally brilliant. Note that you really did make a huge leap here – so whatever happens – even if you contract again or feel like you’re going back to some old stuff – that’s NOT GOING BACK — that’s just going to that place to clean up little pieces that didn’t get touched – it’s just part of a forward process – the water gets clear, then it gets stirred up and disturbed, and dirty and unclear, and then it slowly settles and gets clear again. Try to embrace your fear with all this..

The baby-steps are so that you don’t shock yourself too much – I think the laughing is your totally healthy response and release. You’ll see – after awhile – your TOLERANCE for all this will grow – you’ll just be at a new “normal.”

Love to both Daria and Reshi – and please, join in. Remember – I’M not doing “therapy” here – you’re doing it all YOURSELF! So follow along, and let me know what you’re experiencing.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

19 Comments

  1.  #1Kozmo on October 4, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    WOW~

    Thank-YOU again for sharing everyone!

    How simple yet profound techniques! Wow soooo WOW! so can I try a few flips & let me know if they need a tweek ok? Progress not perfection right……?

    1. I feel so bad when I feel angry & I LOVE it that I can feel angry for feeling angry, how awesome is that? That I can have this anger, such a wonderful emotion & be angry about it & that it is great for me to feel angry for feeling angry! I feel so happy to know I am ok & that I can feel LOVE for myself no matter what emotion I feel. WOW what a wonderful feeling to just except my anger no matter what & LOVE everything about myself! I LOVE this new way of accepting myself with so much unconditional LOVE!!!

    That feels so groovy!!! Let me know how to make improvements Please!

    Again much Thanks & LOVE to US ALL!

    Have a Wonderful Forever One Day @ a Time
    Happy,Joyous & Free
    with lots & Lots of
    LOVE,
    ~Kozmo~



  2.  #2Daria on October 5, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    Hi…
    just wanted to say that I believe I am at “a new normal.” The wonderful weekend I had, the way I related to people, including the man that I had those angry feelings… it was amazing. I felt so secure and calm. I shared double of myself. It felt wonderful… I am loving all of my feelings now.

    I now feel happy when a guffaw or sob sound comes up… that is my energy or feelings releasing! I never knew what those were before.

    I have also been singing to myself, making humming sounds that I can feel in different parts of my body. This is great…my parents and even my cat have responded.

    Right now I feel worried that I am getting sick, and I feel a little sad. And that is totally ok… I love myself for it.

    Just wanted to add that I didn’t really understand before what it meant to love yourself. It’s a feeling! Not just taking myself out to eat… I feel love for this super beautiful soft kind attractive person that is me!



  3.  #3Daria on October 5, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    Wanted to add that when I felt furious and then exhausted last time… I took a nap (not something I would normally do).

    Today I felt ashamed about something, and then again felt tired – and took a nap. I felt better both times.

    Any tips on how to fully feel these emotions that feel tiring when I don’t want to nap? Or is that really that I am tired and haven’t listened to myself until now?



  4.  #4Reshi on October 6, 2008 at 9:20 am

    Wow, you’re right, I was so very firmly entrenched in the negative! (And maybe it’s okay for me to be entrenched in the negative, I’m smart and perceptive for wanting to protect myself from this scary world, and I was doing the best I knew how to do and that’s wonderful!) Now I felt so much resistance to putting in ANYTHING about loving myself, or being okay with myself, or being okay with the way things are right now, but I went ahead and did it anyway, because loving myself isn’t a sin like how I was taught:

    I’m afraid my husband will never want to sleep with me again, and it’s so okay that I’m afraid, sex is so scary and maybe that’s why it’s wonderful, I am glad that I care enough about myself to want to protect myself–well, if I never have sex with him again and that’s what happens, I can love that, I can still love myself and life and the world–and yet I am young and beautiful and I want to make love to the world and to a man, and it’s okay for me to want to make love, and now I’m crying and I love my tears–my tears are beautiful, even though my mother told me that they make me ugly–I love my mother–and I’m afraid that I won’t stay young and beautiful forever and I don’t want to waste the fleeting moments of beauty with a man who doesn’t appreciate it–and I’m angry that I already wasted 8 years of my precious life with him–and I love my anger, it’s wonderful that I care enough about myself to be angry–and maybe those years weren’t wasted, because he did love me once, and he did pursue me sexually, and it was wonderful with him in many ways. He opened me up to sexuality and made me feel beautiful–and it’s completely okay for me to never want that feeling to go away–I never want that feeling to go away and yet if it does that’s okay, I can still love myself–and my life is precious to me, and I’ll do the best possible thing with it no matter what, and I trust myself to do the best with my life for myself…and I love ME for that.
    Maybe I’m worried I’m not attractive enough to have sex with anyone
    Maybe I KNOW that I AM attractive enough. And maybe I’m ANGRY that I’ve let the world treat me like an unattractive woman all these years.–and wow, it’s really cool that I’m angry, it’s really cool that I value myself and love myself too much to accept that kind of treatment! And I’m scared to ask for better–so scared–and that’s completely okay, and the fear makes me feel alive–and it also makes me feel like I’m dying, and maybe dying is completely okay…I’ve had a good life, and I COULD die now…maybe I want to die now and maybe it’s okay for me to want to die…maybe I want to live but I’m too scared to live. It’s okay that I’m too scared to live–I must want to protect myself from the pain of life, and how caring of me to want to protect myself from the pain of life! I can be caring? I can be sweet? Wow, I can be caring and sweet and loving and that’s wonderful.
    Maybe I just want to express my natural Goddess-given sexuality, and maybe there’s nothing wrong with that. Well, maybe I can love myself for the attractiveness AND the unattractiveness. Maybe it’s really cool that I want to be the most beautiful, sexy woman on the planet–it’s great that I want that for myself. Can I love myself for all the suffering I’ve endured as an unattractive woman? Can I love the suffering itself? And I’m also terrified of my sexuality and its power–wow, how awesome is it that I hold something so powerful? My sexuality has the power to completely overwhelm a man and make him RUN AWAY IN TERROR. And that’s powerful, and kind of wonderful! I love being powerful! And yet, I want instead to be able to draw men CLOSER with my feminine power–I want that and yet I’m so afraid of it, I’m so afraid of real intimacy, I want to protect myself from these men, even as I want to let them all the way in. I want to put a shield over my heart, even as I want it to be seen and known and loved. And it’s so okay that I want to do this, and it’s so okay that I’m confused and conflicted…and I love being touched and held and surrendering to a man who is making love to me…and I haven’t experienced this in so long that it hurts, and it’s okay that it hurts because that means I’m still alive…and maybe it will never happen again and maybe I can resign myself to never having it again–life is so long and I am so strong to be able to surrender to fate like that–and yet I long for full-on soul-connected sexuality…but maybe I don’t have to work for it, and maybe I don’t have to plan for it, and I can just surrender to it and let it come to me..wouldn’t that be wonderful if it just came to me without my having to initiate it and organize it and plan it? And I’m so brave for holding that desire, and so strong, and so loving to want that for myself and to risk being seen in the full truth of who I am.

    I’m worried that I won’t survive a divorce, and it’s so okay to be worried, divorce is a huge decision and it’s okay to be overwhelmed by it–maybe I can accept that I made a mistake in getting married, and it’s okay that I made a mistake because to err is human, and I love being human, and maybe I didn’t make a mistake after all and maybe I’m just meant to go through a hard time right now and that is so completely okay, I can come out stronger on the other side after I have cried all my tears–and it’s so okay to let myself cry all my tears–and I feel so numb right now and it’s okay to feel numb, it’s so sweet and loving of myself to want to protect myself from the pain–maybe things will get better and maybe things will get worse, but I can love myself and love my life no matter what, and isn’t that powerful? And I don’t WANT a divorce–I want to live out my dreams of a beautiful relationship in the marriage I have, with the man I have–and it hurts so much that he’s not on the same page and it’s so okay that he’s not on the same page and it’s so okay that it hurts–because who wants to live with a puppet? But a part of me DOES want to live with a puppet, and control my man, and control everything–and it’s so okay that I want to control everything, it’s so okay that I want power–and at the same time I HAVE power that I don’t know how to use…and maybe I could learn how to use it, and it’s exciting to learn something new, and I love myself for feeling excited, and now I’m scared to use that power, and I’m scared that a hammer is going to come down on my head, and it’s so okay that I’m scared…

    I’m angry that my husband seems to be a Feminine Energy man–and yet I love him for his gentleness and his beauty–but I also love him for his masculinity and the way he used to pursue me–for his confidence and his strength and the way he used to make me feel like a WOMAN–and the way he used to treat me like a woman. And I love myself for being able to feel like a woman in his presence. And I feel so much rage and so much resentment at feeling judged by him and always feeling like I had to compete with him and always feeling like I’d never be respected unless I was more masculine than him, and I love my rage, my rage is useful, I can learn a lot from my rage–my rage is a better teacher than any so-called teacher that I’ve had in my life, my rage is a better teacher than everyone who told me I had to be more masculine. And maybe a more masculine woman can’t touch me and can’t touch what I have, because she can’t touch her OWN power, and it’s wonderful that I can begin to touch my own femininine power. And it’s wonderful that I can dig down into all those deep dark secret places where other women are afraid to go–wow, I’m so brave to be able to do this–and I love that my husband has been showing his masculinity more and more in the past few days–and yet I’m afraid to love anything about my husband because I’m afraid I’ll never be loved again. And how wonderful it is to want to be loved, and how wonderful it is to want to protect myself from that dark place where there is no love…and wow, I’m resisting the fact that I live in that dark place where there is no love, and I am so strong to be able to live in that place and survive! And I want to be loved, and I want a man to lift me out of that dark place, and it is so wonderful to want to be loved and rescued, and it is also wonderful to know that I can climb out of that dark place on my own–and that I can climb halfway up and he will be there to carry me the rest of the way–and he did that for me before and it was so wonderful that it’s bringing tears to my eyes, and I love my tears.



  5.  #5Reshi on October 6, 2008 at 9:23 am

    Just wanted to add, Daria, I’m so envious of you! It seems like you’re progressing so much faster than me, and like you’re experiencing what Rori says you’re supposed to be experiencing–a new normal! That has to be awesome. I am doubting that I can find a new normal, I feel like I’m always going to be someone who hangs out where it’s dark. It’s comfortable and familiar here in the dark but it’s not getting me anything I want and there’s no power here for me to access, and I want to be where you are!



  6.  #6Daria on October 6, 2008 at 11:13 am

    Dear Reishi,

    I cried through your whole post and am still crying now it feels wonderful. You are progressing wonderfully from your first posts… You are really amazing like Rori says, I used to think that she was just exaggerating when she would say stuff to us like “I am blown away.” That is really the truth and how I feel reading your post. It is amazing the way you turned your statements around for yourself. I personally still feel I am having trouble with that…

    I am loving my feelings and part of what I did was give myself the space to feel them… that means not continuing to walk the way I was going, or finishing my work… but pausing in my day to fall to my knees and cry and cry and cry… then this laughter came and now it just feels easier for me to feel all my emotions. I tell myself I love my feelings and all tensions and sensations in my body, it feels kind of like loving another person… maybe a crying child or a sister. I think it’s my masculine energy loving my feminine energy…

    I have these sobs or guffaws come out all the time…

    I also did this imagination thing… I heard about it on another site and it’s kind of like Rori’s “meadow” or “stranger” or “through the tunnel”… it’s creating a safe spot for you… an actual place in your imagination, created by you for you… then you can call in friends if you want and basically your inner self will set up adventures or games for you which you wind up solving…and it’s really part of healing yourself. I tried it again right before my breakthrouh and found myself I wound up ripping out my body parts, and they talk to me! Then I washed them and burned them to ashes and they came back like a phoenix and did all kind of fairytale stuff until they felt like super energized. Then they came back in. This all happened in my imagination in about 30 sec to 5 min. I just let whatever happened happen, knowing also that if I don’t like something I have power to change everyhthing in my imagination. So I healed my “inner part” and my heart this way. My heart used to always feel like it was aching and sad… now its a big huge booming heart…

    So after this is when I had my emotional release that I posted about… perhaps it laid the groundwork for it…I would suggest trying to work out stuff in your imagination… it’s very fun and you’re Always in charge and it’s Always good for you because you’re communicating with yourself…



  7.  #7Rori Raye on October 6, 2008 at 12:48 pm

    Wow. Thank you for working this through here – you are helping so many women by letting us into your process. Here’s a few contributions:
    1. Daria – being tired and sick: We get exhausted from RESISTING. From working so hard to keep the flood of emotions from coming out. And we can’t abandon that altogether in one moment – it would shock our systems. Baby-steps require letting resistance go a bit at a time. You may now just be noticing how exhausted you are from all this – I know, when I’m exhausted I often push myself so I don’t notice it. Listen to your body. Rest.

    2. You need to rest: When you are moving to a new “normal,” when you do ANY of this stuff, your body, your mind – all of you REORGANIZES. Everything shifts – neural pathways, the actual cells of your body. So – after even a small breakthrough, you need to rest and let the body reorganize. Be aware and take the time. Naps are GOOD.

    3. This is not a contest: Ladies – we are all HUGE. We are not progressing faster or slower than each other – we are going at the pace our own bodies and hearts and minds can HANDLE. This is not always about being brave enough – this is about the actual chemical and electrical and cellular makeup of our bodies – and how powerful the shifting is. That’s why it’s one step after another. It’s about EXPANDING. And we each have a different path. Everyone’s route is completely different – different Tools speak to different women – that’s why I create so many of them that work in different ways. Find what works for YOU and then let me know so I can develop more in that way.

    Just think of yourself as expanding, and allow it to happen. Flip EVERYTHING to something good – each negative thought gets acknowledged, processed through, flipped around, and loved. Don’t let anything negative slip by unprocessed and unloved and unflipped, and you’ll see – things will shift fast.

    Reshi – I’m with Daria – totally mind-blowingly beautiful and powerful. Just keep going!

    The key here: HONOR YOURSELF!! HONOR your own path.

    Love, Rori



  8.  #8Kozmo on October 6, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    Hi ALL~

    Thank-YOU soooooo much for shaing YOUR process, progress & encouragement in unconditional Self LOVE! I feel YOU are very courageous girls & an inspiration to me.

    I feel I need to ask a question……. when I experience dark negitive thoughts & feelings & I tell myself I am okay that LOVING my self means LOVING my dark/negitive side as well as my so called positive self & thats what Unconditional Self LOVE is all about not to condem, judge or beat myself about any of it right? To say WOW good for me I am human & okay to feel & think whatever I experience & to just LOVE all of me as is!

    Like a best friend that screams rants & raves as she vents to us, we are okay with it cuz we know she just needs to have a sounding board, then she feels better & we LOVE her all the same & even more & she LOVES us for listening & LOVING her right?

    So anyhow I have’nt been crying about this stuff like Daria. I feel like I have been making major progress, however I feel I need to know if YOU girls & Rori feel that is okay that I hav’nt been crying about it?????? Is crying a requirement to have sucessful breakthoughs???

    Thank-YOU ALL soooo much with All my Heart & LOVE!

    Have a Wonderful Forever One Day @a Time
    Happy,Joyous & Free
    with Lots & Lots of
    LOVE to YOU,
    ~Kozmo~



  9.  #9Rori Raye on October 6, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    Kozmo – I’m not a big crier either – I’m very grateful when I feel a tear rolling down my cheek – and I seem to allow that to happen more and more – just keep chipping way at your armor and sinking down and down into whatever you’re feeling.

    You sound wonderful! Love, Rori



  10.  #10ann on October 18, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    I’m having to break these down 1 at a time on here, otherwise, I feel too overwhelmed.

    feeling like I’ll never be able to communicate effectively, people won’t understand they’ll just think I’m being mean & a bitch.

    I used to think I didn’t care if people thought I was mean & a bitch. I realize now that I do. And that’s ok. It’s ok for me not to want to be in this role anymore. Just like it’s ok for me to be more aggressive when I feel the need to. Being point blank or not doesn’t make me a bad person. It just makes me-me. I’ve been working on communicating more effectively & I’m seeing it work. I feel SO much more feminine when my voice is calm, soft & low. I feel like a woman.



  11.  #11Suzy on October 29, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    I have read through these posts and found you all so inspiring and amazing. I have had a really hard year where i seemed to wander into a forest of confusion and self-doubt and had no way of finding my way home, even though outside little had changed. As many women do, I shifted my focus onto my man and he became a sort of mirror for my self-loathing. At the time, of course, I thought it was him getting bored of me, of the relationship becoming like so many others I had seen and feared. I tried and tried again, not realising I was floundering and creating more confusion for myself and him. And the more I ‘failed’ to be happy, the more angry and guilty I felt.
    Therapy was a big help and I came to the realisation through this that I’m ALLOWED to feel sad. That was a massive breakthrough. But until I read Rori’s advice and these blogs, I was still struggling to truly accept my angry/sad/guilty feelings because they felt so horrid, so ‘wrong’. I couldn’t find a way of not judging them, and then myself.
    Now I can see what to do, how to truly honour myself however I’m feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this clear about it before. Feelings that don’t feel nice weren’t the problem, it was how I dealt with them, how angry and guilty I felt about them. Bad emotion spawned bad emotion like bacteria, before getting pushed down under a forced smile. Now I don’t have to fear these emotions. I don’t even have to fear fear! Every emotion is another opportunity to show me how much I love myself, how I can honour myself and not judge. And already, as I judge myself less, I feel less judged by others and less judging of others. I feel so much safer. It’s beautiful.
    As a wise person once said, don’t get me to say “cheese” – just give me a reason to smile!
    And you have, all of you. Thank you.



  12.  #12Cassandra on October 30, 2008 at 8:21 am

    Reshi and Daria…..
    I am in the process of working through Rori’s steps as we all are and have pretty much spent the entire morning following your processes – both of you…..and have been crying all morning…both tears of happiness and tears of pain and fear. You are both amazing. Thank you so much for sharing what you have been doing….feeling…..going thru…..the tears..the joy….the everything. I cannot wait to get to where you 2 are – I am scared that I won’t but will continue to work thru until I do…even if it takes me for the rest of forever. You are both such an inspiraton and I can relate to both of you in different ways. I feel so happy for both of you to be where you are at and I can’t wait to get there. Thank you.

    With love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  13.  #13Andrea on November 9, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Like I could possibley draw what I want near by feeling good – the law of attraction. I feel I am powerful, but I don’t know how to use my power nor how to direct it. I don’t know how to feel good all the time. I’m glad I haven’t given up, that I want to feel good. I’m a fighter. I don’t feel like a fighter deep down though. Something inside wants me to give up. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have my dreams come true. I’m glad I recogize that part of myself. I have hope.



  14.  #14Andrea on November 9, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    I am powerful.



  15.  #15Linda on November 19, 2008 at 7:47 am

    First Riff, the big one

    I am a single mother by choice. i love that I have made this decision to have children on my own. I am afraid I will not be able to completely give them all they need. I worry I am unable to provide for them financially. I worry I am unable to provide all they need emotionally. I am confident they are good kids and I am proud of them. I hate that I cannot give them what i think other kids have. i hate that some people are very nosey and judgemental about their parentage. I am horrified that I cannot seem to find a man who can/is willing to step up to this situation. i am ashamed that I blame them for my not being able to be in a relationship with a man. I am shamed and angry that I take time away from my children to try to get a man for me. I hate I take time and energy from them to mourn the loss of my relationship. I feel trapped by my dependance on my parents for finaancial support. I am furious my brother looks down on me for not working, until recently to support them I hate that my family only respect me if I make money.i am furious they think I can only exist with a man and that my mother doesn’t see how I struggle. My daughter has special needs. I love her and am so proud of her. she is brilliant and artistic and a beautiful child but I know I cannot make things better for her as I would like. My body is consumed with guilt and sorrow for her difficulties. But she is a happy child. But mey heart breaks whren people give me/give her that look. My parents have turned my son against me, though he is devoted to me. Their disrespect for me has caused him to look down on me. He is brilliant and I have done my best to make sure he has oce friends and is involved with activities other boys his age ar involved with. I feel horrible. i want so bad to give them a dad. i want so bad to have someone in my life for me. I know I have turned away men who would have been good for them, but I want someone for me, too. I feel ashamed I try to cover up my deficiencies and those fo my daughter so a man will not get scared. I lie and say we are financially set, they do have a trust from my dad but it’s not enough for all of us forever, but I’ afraid no one will ever want us. It’s ridiculous but I keep going back to make sure my “I’s’ are caps because I read Rori’s comments to another member that this indicated/implied low self esteem, at least that’s the way i took it, but truth is I’m a lousy typist. i never learned to type in school because I wanted to be an artist and never wanted to fall back on office work. I have neever been realistic in my goals, always waiting for someone to rescue me. Now I’m waiting for someone to rescue us. I am so disappointed with myself that my man was willing to be a part of us and yet I cahsed him away with my deficiencies in being able to receive and overfunctioning. i am ashamed that he even made me feel embarrassed about my kids and how they are immature and my son is not many enough. Gosh, he’s ony 11 and I’m doing the best I can! My on is a gifted and warm person, compassionate and funny, good natured and sensitive. So what if he can’t ride a bike or cook for himself or even wash his hair properly! but my son is so sad. He knows he has no dad and feels empty about it. my dad is 82 and loves him like a dad, but he’s a bit mean spirited and domineering and not what I want my son to be. I put on a such a brave face and appear so competent and efficient but I am terrified everyday. I hate feeling weak. i love my weakness. It makes me human. shows I am loving and caring.I love my children and there is nothing about them I would change, nor my decision to have them.I am standing here almost naked, not really, metaphorically, which is scary yet I feel like I haven’t even begun to touch on this issue.I love that I have gone back to school to finally learn to support them and me. I’m afraid I won’t finish, though. I know I will be a good teacher. I know I can do this. I know i don’t want to be alone. I love that I am finally putting forth the effort to heal myself. i am tempted to spell check this because I need everyone to think I am brilliant. Sheesh!



  16.  #16sharon on April 8, 2009 at 2:12 am

    I am a woman in my late twenties and suffering. My husband has always put drugs & porn over me, and I have never felt sexually wanted or loved by hin. I am extremely confused and my story has a lot more to it as I married this guy @ 17 years of age. Reading your posts has given me a bit of strength as right now I am in great turmoil. Thank you.x.



  17.  #17sharon on April 8, 2009 at 2:16 am

    I hate myself.



  18.  #18Rori Raye on April 8, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Sharon, Welcome – and I love you without even knowing you…just because you showed up here, vulnerable and a woman – so how can we help you to love yourself no matter what? Love, Rori



  19.  #19Rori Raye on April 8, 2009 at 10:01 am

    Sharon, Thank you for your additional comment – I KNOW you will find strength and help here. Just keep reading. This is about trauma – stuff that happened to you when you were helpless to prevent it. This is not something you can really hate yourself for – in fact – I’m totally amazed at the fact that you’re still standing here wanting what you want, can talk about your situation, and still care enough about yourself to want to have a better life! This is HUGE – you can take great pride in this, and move forward from here.

    Trauma doesn’t undo easily and painlessly – but the baby steps you’ll find here and in my programs will help you do, think, and say things that actually make you FEEL stronger – and so your self-esteem slowly but surely rises, and then you won’t ever have to “confront’ the trauma – you jut keep improving your circumstances NOW. Love, Rori