Community – If All Your Values Were Changed, What Then?

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My husband drove me down a mysterious, bumpy road to Paolo Soleri’s “Arcosanti” community.

Visionary and beautiful – a concept of living in harmony with the earth, yet experiencing complete urban culture…all in concrete.

Do you ever think living in a communal sanctuary would feel good?

Where values are so different from “normal life”?

What would love and relationship look like for you there?

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 9:45 am

    interesting idea…..there would have to be a lot of good communication back and forth….and space….


  2.  #2Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I wish I had someone to hold me right now and tell me everything was going to be alright even though it is not going to be. The tears keep coming. I wish they were enough to push this sickness out of my body. I need a distraction but I feel so drained that I can’t even think of anything enjoyable to do.

  3.  #3Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I checked it out further on line Rori…..I like the simple lines in the architecture……..the openness and view of the vista in the rooms……..

    I like relationships that have space and openness and let me see what’s possible……not complicated…..going with the flow…..

    I am curious….how did you feel when you were there?

  4.  #4Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 9:53 am



  5.  #5Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Thanks AG! I wish LP could be here right now but I know he will feel bad if I told him what the doctor said so I don’t know what to do right now. I posted something on Facebook that will probably make him call me later but I feel like I should remove it before he sees it.

  6.  #6Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Do you think you will eventually have to share it with him? Would it feel better if you did?

  7.  #7Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 10:39 am

    He already knows what is wrong. He feels bad for me to have to go through everything and I think he wishes he could do something to make it go away, so I would be protecting him from those feelings of not being able to find a solution if I kept the newest news to myself. If he calls tonight I know I won’t be able to keep it to myself though.

  8.  #8Starla on December 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

    hugs IP, everything really will be okay. and we’re here for you until it is.

  9.  #9Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Thanks Starla!

  10.  #10April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 11:14 am

    “Do you ever think living in a communal sanctuary would feel good?
    What would love and relationship look like for you there?”

    Aaagh. Scarey. It feels like a good concept but a scarey actuality.
    Like I have been wondering lately – what if all women were sirens? Then how would I stand out and be his special someone? I would have no edge on the competition, other than being the only person who could offer a relationship with me!

  11.  #11Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I echo Starla’s sentiments for you IP….I hope you can find support here….

    I know we’ve talked here before about how much to share with a man……..that it takes courage for us to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside…….and to feel our feelings……and to know when to share…….I recall some of Rori’s work talking about not managing a man’s feelings for him….to let him do that…….that he needs to do that….that we mostly need to feel our own and manage our own……..

    but that a mature man will want to support us….not necessarily fix anything but be there…..

    maybe when/if he calls tonight you can put the focus on you and how you feel and sink into that and know you have love and support in it all……


  12.  #12Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 11:29 am

    I just booked my son’s birthday party. Now I will need to go to the store and get some invitations. This feels fun to do something for him instead of worrying about myself.

  13.  #13Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Ice Princess,

    I’m sorry, I must have missed something. What is wrong?

  14.  #14lk on December 29, 2011 at 11:39 am

    @April Rose 10

    All women are sirens : )

  15.  #15Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 11:39 am


    that sounds great….focusing on your being his mom and his birthday…….yay IP! He’s lucky to have you as his mom……bet he’ll have a great birthday!

    more hugs for you (((IP)))

  16.  #16Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 11:40 am

    I really haven’t shared about my medical problems on here before. I have cancerous cells that doctors have been trying to get rid of for the past year. LP came racing home when I first found out and it made everything feel so much better, now I feel like I am battling alone. It’s really not as serious as I am sure it reads, but as you all know I make mountains out of mole hills.

  17.  #17lk on December 29, 2011 at 11:41 am

    CDcd called me first thing this morning …. i could tell he wanted me to come up & was saying, oh so you have no plans today ? & i was like, no silly boy, i have plans to be on my own with no agenda today : )

  18.  #18Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 11:41 am

    I heard that community living is becoming more and more a part of society as prices climb, etc. It is a cheaper way of living. Part of me would like to, yet I know that whenever people get together, naturally conflicts arise.

    I find the perspective interesting of a man in my church. He moved to a rowhouse in a small town, and he opens his home to fellowship meals and other meetings about twice a week. He has a woman from the church living there on a permanent basis. His comment was that he moved from “suburban isolation” to community, and he loves it!

    I think that people are so hard to get along with that I just prefer to live with family, either my Mom or my future husband.

  19.  #19lk on December 29, 2011 at 11:43 am

    @Ice Princess

    hugs & energy to you : )

  20.  #20Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Ice Princess,

    RE: #16 – There is hope for you. If you don’t mind my asking, where is the cancer?

    A friend of mine did deep research into a real cure for cancer, and the scientist who discovered it was eventually assassinated by the american medical association, because they would lose millions of dollars if the cure were discovered. This intro and the websites were sent to me by her:

    Research starts with Dr. Royal Raymond Rife ( good starting points, but there are plenty more ):
    You will find it fascinating. This stuff is no joke, it works.

    Frequency Generators and Zapper
    ( based on Rife and Hulda Clark research )
    Bruce Stenulson’s Applied Technology website is topnotch:
    ( many other links on this site )

    Info about Zapping/Resonant Frequency/Pulsed Magnetic Signal/Waveform Devices he makes and sells:

    ( I have, and regularly use, the earlier device, the HFA-4AVR which is now discontinued, due to more advanced device creation. )
    I can guarantee that it works. I have used it at the onset of a cold or flu, or during to rapidly knock it out. I have used it to knock out bronchitis, pneumonia and various infections/inflammations, for general speedy healing of many things; and for general circulation and detoxification. I also use it to make my own high quality Colloidal Silver.
    I paid over $200 for it when I bought it. It was the best and low/moderately priced device of the kind on the market at the time. Stenulson’s later devices are more advanced and more expensive now, but still lower than other products offered by others. Definitely worth it. Everyone should have one.
    I am looking into his later updated models.
    *These things can be made yourself if you are skilled enough.

    Ice Princess, I also recommend checking into Dr. Lorraine Day. She is a naturopathic physician, and she herself had a tumor the size of a grapefruit between her breasts. She did not go for chemo or radiation. Instead, she ate nothing but raw fruits and vegetables, and the tumor went away on its own.

  21.  #21Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Ice Princess,

    RE: #16 – There is hope for you. If you don’t mind my asking, where is the cancer?

    A friend of mine did deep research into a real cure for cancer, and the scientist who discovered it was eventually assassinated by the american medical association, because they would lose millions of dollars if the cure were discovered. This intro and the websites were sent to me by her:

    Research starts with Dr. Royal Raymond Rife ( good starting points, but there are plenty more ):
    You will find it fascinating. This stuff is no joke, it works.

    royal rife dot com

    rife 911 dot com

    rt 66 dot com/~rifetech/

    users dot navi dot net / ~ rsc / rife1 . htm

    Frequency Generators and Zapper
    ( based on Rife and Hulda Clark research )
    Bruce Stenulson’s Applied Technology website is topnotch:
    ( many other links on this site )

    stenulson dot net / althealth / index dot htm

    Info about Zapping/Resonant Frequency/Pulsed Magnetic Signal/Waveform Devices he makes and sells:

    stenulson dot net / althealth / zappers dot htm

    ( I have, and regularly use, the earlier device, the HFA-4AVR which is now discontinued, due to more advanced device creation. )
    I can guarantee that it works. I have used it at the onset of a cold or flu, or during to rapidly knock it out. I have used it to knock out bronchitis, pneumonia and various infections/inflammations, for general speedy healing of many things; and for general circulation and detoxification. I also use it to make my own high quality Colloidal Silver.
    I paid over $200 for it when I bought it. It was the best and low/moderately priced device of the kind on the market at the time. Stenulson’s later devices are more advanced and more expensive now, but still lower than other products offered by others. Definitely worth it. Everyone should have one.
    I am looking into his later updated models.
    *These things can be made yourself if you are skilled enough.

    Ice Princess, I also recommend checking into Dr. Lorraine Day. She is a naturalistic physician, and she herself had a tumor the size of a grapefruit between her breasts. She did not go for chemo or radiation. Instead, she ate nothing but raw fruits and vegetables, and the tumor went away on its own.

  22.  #22Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Hugs IP. Just yesterday I was listening to some alternative medicine style advice about some sugar that totally eliminates it. Please also remember that your emotional state can affect it’s growth, as well as what you say to yourself. So many people have beaten that situation,though this might sound cliche, one has to have hope.

  23.  #23T-Girl on December 29, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Testing because I am having trouble posting and am very sad

  24.  #24Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Its cervical Esteemed.

  25.  #25Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((Ice Princess)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  26.  #26Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    IP this is what I was referring to. Hope you can view it.

  27.  #27Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Thanks to LK for you positive thoughts on a previous thread.

    I have been off the blog for a week. Things went much better than expected during the holidays.

    However, my husband was helping my brother fix my dad’s furnace just before we all went to bed. My brother said, don’t let the old man know, he’ll get too worked up. However, my dad heard my husband tinkering with the thermostat.

    Then my dad came out and blamed my husband for breaking the furnace. He is old and cranky, but this is an old pattern for my dad. In fact, I told my husband that when we were kids, all of us got blamed for everything that went wrong. He still does it, just doesn’t have as many opportunities.

    Oddly, when we were talking about my dad’s blaming ways when I was growing up, he told me he never saw his parents fight when he was growing up. And I grew up in a house of constant arguing. He really hates being at my dad’s house for the holidays. You can cut the tension with a knife.

    I feel like my husband is stepping up to the plate and doing a lot of things for me when I use feeling messages. I know that he loves me. And I see him cutting back on his drinking, and I feel compelled to let him find his own path there, but continue to try to imagine positive outcomes.

    Oddly, (before the furnace incident) my Dad offered my husband a book that was an “Everything you need to know…” kind of book. My husband asked if it has any info about understanding women – which made me feel bad. Then I said, I can tell you anything you want to know. Then he said, I know, the answer is that it is “all my fault.” And then I felt really bad. I feel bad because I had been making him “wrong” with my communication style in the past. And I am trying so hard to change that. But he still seems to feel blamed. Perhaps from all the years of communicating the wrong way. But whether he notices it or not, I have been changing.

    I asked him about it (with feeling messages) the next day (when we were alone) and he said that it was just him being funny. But I think he was just covering his feelings.

    Oddly, about 2 weeks ago, he found out that he has a vitamin deficiency, which has made him feel low energy. He quickly got supplements and is already feeling better. I think that this has had an impact on our relationship. I saw his low energy, but didn’t know what it was about.

    We played a game Christmas weekend. We had stopped playing games because once about 4 years ago we had a fight during a game (stupid yes), and he was really hurt by how angry I got. So he quit playing games with me.

    I used feeling message to tell him how sad I was that we don’t play games anymore, so that is why he played with me. But we were both really tense, and it was not very “playful.” I talked with him about it later that night and with feeling messages and said that I felt tense during the game and was sad that it was not more playful. He said he felt tense too. I am glad we talked about it. He said we could play another game the next day, which we did, but we did not have much fun. I give him a lot of credit for trying, and initiating.

    And now I have this theme in my head wanting to be more playful with him. I sense that he feels a lot of hurt and sadness. I am grateful that he steps up to the plate and tries something each time I use a feeling message expressing my hurt.

    So, last night, when I came home from getting together with friends, I sat next to him in bed and was talking about the fun time I had and I told him about telling the girls about a funny thing he had said the day before. He liked that. I felt happy about being playful.

    So, my intuition is telling me that I need to make the fun. I need to be playful, but not too much, just in small ways, but I want to do it everyday. I think he is still a little too hurt and cautious to be playful.

    But my concern is that it is too much leaning forward. What do you sirens think? I would like to be silly and playful with him. We used to be so playful and had so much fun, but there are so many hurts build up now. I really want to break down that wall of hurt. Things have been too serious lately. Even though he is really trying, I think he is sad, and hurt. Even when he is stepping up to the plate, I can feel his sadness. I want to break up some of this tension and tell funny stories and be silly. But is this too leaning forward? I almost feel like I am leaning to far back. If I want playfulness, can I create it?

    Thoughts? Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

  28.  #28Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    I feel like I am so unique and love my free spirit that I might feel cramped if I had to live in a communal sanctuary. Maybe it is because I conjure up thoughts of rules and restrictions when I think of sanctuary. Even a bird sanctuary I imagine would have rules where certain groups gather together because of their similarities. The free flow of experiences and differences might get cramped. Going with the flow and spontanaiety might disappear. Life might become too structured and boring.

    Then again if it was a community that was constantly changing and growing to incorporate the best of experiences, it might be worth the sacrifices.

    Where I see community being helpful is when one of our own need spiritual/emotional/moral support and the group dynamics can raise its vibrations to lift a falling member of the community.

  29.  #29Ella on December 29, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    From Rori:

    I know right now, it feels far away.

    You’re either in the middle of a relationship that doesn’t feel good, or you’re in an empty space on the game board of life and love, or you’re in pain, or you’re making do, or you’re in a state of hope and working through stuff, or you’re in a good place and just want it to be better…there’s always something better, there’s always something more, there’s always something to want and aspire to and hope for and look for and…

    …and what if that’s what it will always look like?

    That you’re always in flux, always in transition, that it never stops, you never get relief, you never get a moment to just sit and reflect unless you take it, that you’ll never really know what’s next – you can only be as prepared as possible for when what’s next shows up…?

    It’s a mystery, is what it is. The plot is loose. You outline it, and the details are a surprise.

    So – what CAN we do to create what’s next as something we WANT?

    It’s all in the small steps, it’s all in the outline, it’s all in the preparation, it’s all in the here-and-now and what I can actually DO in this moment.

    It’s all in undoing the old outline.

    It’s all in creating a sense of freedom for yourself. Making it okay, deep down to throw out the old outline and create a new one.

    So – what will your outline look like, and how will you prepare for all the details however they show up?


    1. Sketch it in:

    Write down the basics:

    Relationship: Requirements for relationship are companionship, fun, ease, juice, affection, commitment, feeling good…

    Security: Enough money to live without fear of the details as they show up…

    Meaning: What I do matters. Who I am is important…

    Enjoyment: I actually feel good. I actually enjoy all the moments of my life.

    Go on and write more if you like – but make sure they’re sketchy like this.

    2. Imagine the high points:

    Get a feel for how these great plot points of the outline will look and feel – and don’t try to put them in context, or balance them out with other aspects of your life. Make it like they’re stand-alone great-feeling experiences.

    Riff (in the Power & Self Esteem category here) through these imaginings if you find them bringing up all kinds of Nasty Voices and resistance and tension in your body.

    3. Get Faith:

    This is trust in yourself, trust in your outline, trust that your old beliefs that say “no” to your wants are crap, and that your new beliefs that it will all show up as outlined (though it may LOOK completely different) are gold and TRUE.

    Even if you falter sometimes, and fall off the Faith and Trust wagon, just climb back on.

    Be your own Sun. Make your outline sunny and rosy, and say “I’m sticking to it.”

    Don’t let people with a skewed view of “reality” shake your confidence in your faith and trust in yourself and your outline – just smile, say thank you for sharing, and be on your way to whatever’s next.

    I know, because I’ve seen it over and over and over – that when you’ve prepared for the GOOD in your outline, the good shows up. And when you prepare for the bad, you feel secure and safe, but you stay put where you are.

    It’s so much easier to get what you EXPECT. If you expect to feel good, it’s easier to see it and receive it. If you expect to feel bad, it’s easier to notice it and bring it on over.

    Expectation is sort of an Invitation. So – Invite what you want, not what you don’t want. And…

    …that’s an easy thing to say.

    That’s what everyone says – and yet…

    How do you even know if something that seems “bad” is really bad?

    What if it’s something important, meaningful, and full of powerful lessons that will get you to the “good” so much faster?

    So – What I want you to invite – is not anything LITERAL, straightforward, an event, a happening, a phone call – a thing, a look. Instead…I want you to invite the sketchy high points of your outline – however they look.

    I want you to prepare for the journey here – the ups and downs, the transitions, the places where it’s empty, and the places where you feel lost. I want you to pack your bags correctly and do the work. I want you to take care of yourself right here, right now, the things only you can take care of. Even if you don’t like doing it because you wish someone else would.

    I want you to step across the gameboard of life even if you don’t know what the next square is – in the direction of your outline’s high points.

    This isn’t preparing for the worst – this is preparing for the best. This is Faith and Trust in action – this is building your strength. Just take one step at a time, and don’t let your PERSPECTIVE on what’s happening make you make decisions about your outline. If you step in mud, don’t let it throw you off. Your outline is good. What happens next is a mystery.

    We can never know what’s next, so we can never know why what’s happening right now is happening. The only possible explanation that fits with these 3 steps is that – whatever’s happening HAS to be part of the outline. It may be unexpected, it may not feel good – but it’s there just because it is. And it doesn’t do ANYTHING about what’s going to happen next except PREPARE us!

    So – He will show up. Your man will show up. If the man you’re with can, he’ll step up, and if he can’t – the right man WILL show up. I know it. Your outline says it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    I’m asking you to stick to it, too – and let’s hear some of your glorious outline sketches, and remember to love even the mud…

    Love, Rori

  30.  #30Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 12:19 pm


    My guess is that you have done all that you can and have good doctors on this……..and that you’ll keep doing anything you can to deal with this…..

    Is there anything any of us can do to offer support?

    Something special that would be meaningful to you?

  31.  #31elle_emm on December 29, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    sending good healing vibes, ice princess.

  32.  #32Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Ice Princess, I am glad you told us. Releasing some of the sadness you feel has to be doing your body some good. I am sending healing vibrations to you.

    There is a site where you can ask energy healers to send you energy healing. They just ask that you report back in two weeks to tell them if you feel better.

    If you are interested, let me know and I will post the site.

  33.  #33Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks ladies! That article is interesting FW.

    My sister’s husband’s sister is painting my house and could tell I was upset and offered me a hug just a bit ago. It felt weird to accept it but I did any way.

  34.  #34Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    29 Aurora Girl,

    I just scheduled another procedure for the 17th of January. I hope it works this time.

  35.  #35Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Ella – Thanks for posting that.

  36.  #36Starla on December 29, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    just need to vent here, instead of leaning forward

    It’s been a full day since CF has called me. Ummm that’s not very long. Actually, I quite liked it last night that I had all that recharge space to myself:) but now I feel paranoid and insecure, like “what’s wrong, CF?”

    hehehe silly brain patterns. I just imagined a whole dialog in my head where CF confronts me because I am not chasing him. I physically feel the emotions that would come from being confronted like that. It’s almost like a reality in my body and head right now, even though my imagination just totally invented it.

    Ohhh the fears that come up. But I resolve to stay gentle with both of us, and not to abandon myself.

  37.  #37Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    I think it’s safe to say you have all of us behind you…..and we all hope it works…..

    Is there anything we can do here to support you… you need distraction? more ideas for treatment? How can we respect your healing and support you in the best way we sirens could?

    I suppose there are others with illness on this blog moving through these things…….women can draw such strength from within when they need to ….and women can support each other in ways that are special to being women too…


  38.  #38Starla on December 29, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    he texted me yesterday, knowing i wouldn’t text back because i am “fasting” from texting. said he hoped i was having a nice day and called me gorgeous and gifted, and said he re-read the card i gave him for his birthday and was thinking of me.

    it was sweet. he is so sweet. why am i looking for things to feel anxious about?

    actually, i’m not LOOKING. i just do feel anxious. It’s what i do.

  39.  #39Ella on December 29, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    My Outline / Sketchy Intentions for 2012.

    Home = To live somewhere nice/clean with beautiful surroundings where I feel secure, good and peaceful.

    Money – have enough to feel safe, secure and comfortable.

    Work – Enjoy my work, create something positive and interact with people in a meaningful and useful way on a daily basis.

    Health & Body – Feel healthy and slim. Nourish and care for my body in a way that feels good to me. Look after body and relax more.

    General Approach – Go slowly and feel mainly relaxed.

    Relationship – Continue practicing that tools with men. Grow close with a good man and be part of a relationship that feels good. Have fun and laugh together.

    More Relationship = secure feeling, laughing, cuddling, good sex, consistency.

    Thank You.

  40.  #40Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Hopeful can I suggest that you experiment with flipping it. Rather than telling him how sad you feel because you don’t play games anymore, tell him how you USED TO FEEL when you did. “It felt…………I felt……….” as in telling stories.

    Also regarding the playfulness, maybe he is missing the old carefree playful you if you were playful in the past. Rather than doing it for him, how about going on an expedition to bring back to flirty, young, playful girl that he fell in love with?

  41.  #41April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    @lk 14

    All women may or may not be sirens, but a lot of them are de-masculating their men. Do you agree?
    I’m not blaming women. We (me too) needed to adopt masculine energy ways for whatever reason.
    In my own case I have criticised, demanded that a man obey me, advised, analysed and generally followed my Grandmother as a role model!
    I now feel exhausted and cannot maintain it any longer.
    Thank goodness for Rori’s tools, and the joy of discovering my feminine energy.

  42.  #42Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Ella in Reconnect Rori suggests using the words “I intend” when we want to do things. Apparently our NVs don’t argue as much with intentions so we don’t experience as much resistance or being triggered around intentions. The format she suggests is:-

    Even though I feel intense………… I intend to go slow and remain relaxed regardless of the situation.

    Even though I am not perfect, I intend to continue practicing the tools with men.

  43.  #43Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Starla –

    My 2 cents: Keep leaning back. If he texted you, he probably feels like he made contact with you and all is well. Sounds like it was a sweet text, too.

  44.  #44Ella on December 29, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Hi IP re 16.

    Bigs hugs to you.

    You are not alone.

    Would you mind if I ask where the cancerous cells are?

    Its just that if they are in the cervix I believe that is quite common.

    I have had many friends who have had cancerous cells in the cervix that they’ve had to have removed, some several times… and it has never led to cancer in their cases.

    I myself has some cells removed a few years ago.

    It can sound a lot worse than it is… it feels kinda scary to be told that you have cancerous cells.

    Anyway, regardless of where they are the advice from other Sirens feels good.

    These days I am imagining my internal organs all pink and healthy and sending waves of love and health to them and my body.

    I often judge it as a little odd and actually it feels good and beneficial!


  45.  #45Ella on December 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    FW re 41,

    Thanks yes I had heard that from Rori about intentions.

    My post is based on the sketchy outline which she suggests in the article I posted in 38.

    That feels good to me at the moment, something really lose… an outline.


  46.  #46Starla on December 29, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    awww, he just texted me, in spanish, translation:

    “hello beautiful, i am going to call you this afternoon. Until that, I hope you have an exciting dat, full of happiness, and…frogs in luxurious clothing, and…sandwiches…hmmm:):)”

    haha i love how he talks to me. and in multiple languages!

  47.  #47Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    FW 39

    Yes, he misses the playfulness. And I think I do need to express more happy feelings, even if they are in the past. I have told him that I miss the playfulness and he does too, but he does not know how to bring it back. But he does say funny things sometimes. But he seems sad.

    So by an expedition, do you mean that I should just act like I did when we were dating? Like be playful like I was when we were dating? Because that is exactly how I was when we were dating. And in my mind I am seeing it as an “Act as if” kind of thing.

    What do you mean by expedition?

  48.  #48Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Yes go back to the girl you were when you were dating. There are coaches who tell us that we lose ourselves in the relationship and encourage that. Hopefully that was your true self rather than a facade or mask that were wearing. Playfulness and creativity can bring back the juice to relationships. For instance if you are cooking together, put on some music and dance while preparing the meal.

  49.  #49Starla on December 29, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    42 thanks hopeful. i come here to vent and maintain leaningbackness

    i notice that when every single one of us here is tempted to lean forward, and we give in, we always feel worse!! and it sucks cuz we lean forward to relieve the tension, and to feel better. but leaning forward is poison

  50.  #50Daria on December 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Yes that’s all I do is imagine that haha and bring it into the world

  51.  #51Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    FW – Yes, I do need to go back to the girl I was when I was dating. I liked being that girl and that is the real me. Too much crap has built up and the fun got sucked out of me. I want it back. So I am just going to be fun when I feel like it.

    It is funny, when I first read Christian Carter’s ebook and he talks about “Cool Girls” I thought to my self “THAT is who I was when we were dating”. I am going to be that girl again.

    Thanks for re-affirming what my intuition is telling me.

  52.  #52lk on December 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    hi, everyone : )

    i feel gentle & quiet & blushing today… i feel like not really engaging with chatter on a high level… : )

    @Hopeful, i really am amazed at such movement in your life & relationship : ) i also really want playfulness in my life …. it makes me feel good to just laugh at whatever, right when i wake up… i like to wake up laughing : ) cracking up, snorting laughing : )))) i can just welcome play into my life without looking for it or finding it or asking for it… just becoming better at recognizing it in myself & laughing it out into the world around me, just shaking everything up with deep, abiding joy : )))

    @April Rose… hmmm…. “a lot of [women] are de-masculating their men” …………. hmmmmm….. i don’t believe that…… no, i don’t believe that. & also, i don’t believe that men can be de-masculated by women. that’s all. i can’t think of anything else about that that i feel like saying… : )

    oh, i just remembered how much i love to sing : ) i’m going to sing a song.. what song ? hmmm… yummy : ) i want to sing the lady avalon songs : ))))

  53.  #53lk on December 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    i like my new red sweater because it has little baubles on it & when i wear it with no bra my little nxpples complete the pattern : )

  54.  #54April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    More on the flow of energy from the masculine energy partner to the feminine energy partner, in today’s newsletter from Carol Allen:

    “If you always feel more connected to your man than he seems to you, you’re likely working too hard in your relationship.

    We’ve ALL been there…

    You may think there’s a way to MAKE him like you more – but maybe it has nothing to do with how much he likes you, or anything else about you at all…

    Maybe that’s just the way the energy flows in your relationship – from YOU to HIM.

    No kidding, this can be seen in the stars – and it’s NOT your fault, and it CAN’T be fixed. You need to either get used to it and stop taking it so personally or get another guy…

    The deeper issue is because the energy in the relationship flows from HER to HIM, NOT from HIM to HER – which is what we NEED as women! (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you…)

    When the energy is “flipped” it makes a woman CRAVE the man more than he CRAVES her.

    She’ll ALWAYS want more than he does, BEFORE he does.

    I’ve never seen this fail…

    At FIRST it can seem like he’s pursuing you – because men are socialized to pursue.

    But once he relaxes and settles into the relationship, he’ll STOP giving the woman enough of what she needs.

    And she’ll start to go slowly INSANE. (Or quickly…)

    It’s awful…

    Now, to be fair, once in a while the woman doesn’t seem to mind. But I’ve only seen this rarely in the charts of women who are VERY independent, or VERY masculine.”

    I thought I was crazy. I thought being as feminine as I could would change things. It didn’t.

    What has helped me is ‘caring less’ about him.

  55.  #55lk on December 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    i feel a little sassy & mean today, too. like a shy girl playing princess alone & bossing around my dolls & stuffies.

  56.  #56Radiance on December 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I have a countertop mixer that jammed up a couple of weeks ago after the bowl became unseated while mixing a cake and then the beater would would no longer turn. I looked online and found several articles related to the problem and also found an excellent detailed DIY youtube video that explained how to disassemble the mixer to get to the broken part and complete the repair. I order the replacement part online and a quart of food-grade grease and tackled the repair yesterday afternoon after the part & grease arrived. It was soo satisfying to fix my mixer!! I feel so proud of myself!… Beyond the satisfaction of completing the job by myself I feel very pleased that I saved loads of $$ & time on shipping the mixer off for repair.

    But now I question how this fits with male/female energies and relationship. My man has been out of town for a couple of days. I know he will be impressed that I fixed the mixer and pleased when the occasional baked goods start appearing again, BUT…

    does me doing the repair myself emasculate him??? Oh, I find this so confusing sometimes!!

  57.  #57Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Radiance in my humble opinion if he was not there for you to ask him for help he is likely to feel proud that he has a woman who can stand on her own two feet. If however you had asked him to do it and he did not respond to you fast enough on your timetable then yeah maybe. In this case my understanding is that he was not there for you to ask. Plus we all have both energies inside us.

  58.  #58April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    @ Radiance 55

    I too find fixing things fun and satisfying.
    I think if you are a diva you can be the feminine partner but also have your fun and experiment.
    I enjoyed your descriptions of your feelings about the mixer repair, and I’m sure your man will too if you share the experience with him.

  59.  #59Radiance on December 29, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Thanks FW for that reminder. I read and read and it all makes good sense then sometimes in application my understanding falls apart.

    What about paying bills, balancing the checkbook, keeping financial records, etc.? I have always been the one to do it. I initially took it on because I am better at follow thru and detail than he is. In fact, I stepped in and overfunctioned before we married by paying some overdue bills of his. Aaack… so now we have 20+ years of this.

    He is definitely the yard guy, mechanic, plumber, builder, electrician, farmer, etc though… so his masculine energies get to shine there…

  60.  #60Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

  61.  #61Radiance on December 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    57 April Rose

    Thank you too for the reminder that it’s not about being all girl all the time!

    hmmm… my comment 58 is in moderation?

  62.  #62Starla on December 29, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    oh gosh now i’m thinking/worrying about CF moving an hour north in about a month.

    all these anxieties! eeeep

    everything is fine, though…

  63.  #63Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Mm I just felt my first chakra inside inner me all tense m charges w energy

    Then I decided to let that energy permeate me and our even past my skin all my layers

    And it felt good like my nervous system relaxed

    Like patting my supernova star power explosions n movements be seen like in love scripts

  64.  #64Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Ouch 🙁

    It’s not about being all girl at the time????

    That feels bad

    Daria feels angry

    And attacky

    And hot blamy puddle of energy


    I have something to heal around this

    I love being all girl all the time and I feel guilty and scared

    Like its not ok

    It is, beautiful

    You’re anger is loved and beautiful

    Your nausea is loved and beautiful

    Thank u for vampire screaming

    I love your sadness

    Yay all these intense emotions!

    I’m healing!

  65.  #65Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    713: Mochaberri says:

    @ BW – You mentioned this to Esteemed – “TH felt all kinds of pressure from me and he even told me so several times that I was “pushing things” and to “relax”.

    and I’m feeling curious about how you did this – Can you further explain?

    Mochaberri, I can honestly tell you that it took MANY attempts before I got this right, and basically I just stopped talking about “the relationship” for starters.

    Also, when he was out, my usual pattern was to get upset and I’d start thinking about if he was going to pick up some other woman or a number of icky-feeling scenarios and I would get really upset.

    But a few weeks ago that changed. I knew he was out, I knew who he was with, and I didn’t like it one bit. But instead of getting upset, I expressed on this blog how I was feeling, then I went and found a funny website, and literally spent the entire night laughing!

    When he finally texted me, it was almost like he was interrupting my fun because for the first time, my focus was totally off him.

    THAT was our turning point. And his reaction to my little change has brought up feelings of feeling safe and secure and relaxed! It’s like I changed HIM by not focusing on him that night . It’s unbelievable!

    So yeah, I first stopped talking about it and then I moved my focus. That’s it! 🙂

  66.  #66Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    36 AG and All,

    Thanks for your kind comments and warm wishes. I know one day everything will be okay. I just need to get to that day and I think the best way is to keep going trying to keep myself happy with orwithout LP (or any other man) by my side, right? What will this look like? I think I will start by doing one nice thing a day for myself that I wouldn’t normally do like reading a magazine, or keeping a small area of my house organized and neat, or painting my nails, or enjoying a cold soda. What do you all think?

  67.  #67Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm


    I remember when you posted that week…..and I remember your reference to the funny website….
    could you post the name of it again? I could use a dose of good humour tonight…….

    LD is coming this weekend for new year’s….but we are not staying here in my home city we are flying out to see his son for a few days…..that’ s ok…they need to bond…he hasn’t seen him in 4 months and he is only 18………

    why do I feel so indifferent? like I don’t care whether he’s coming or not……….I feel indifferent……sometimes I feel like I’m walking on egg shells……..he tends to analyze our relationship……personalize when I express something that’s not about him……..referring to past relationships he’s been in where the woman has been passive aggressive and keeping secrets…..that’s not me at all… he’s looking for things that are wrong……,and I don’t feel up for more of that …………..trying to be open….realizing we are going out of town together…….

    need a humourous website for distraction! lol


  68.  #68Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Thanks LK –

    You know, a friend sent me a link to Susan Miller’s Horoscope site (sorry Carol Allen), and I read my horoscope for December and it was so true for me. It said that big changes would be in store for me this month, including my own self image – that I will see myself in a new, updated form, which is how I feel. It also says that my love relationship will be my total focus this month (for real ;), and I will probably see some changes in my relationship. Not feeling like everything is suddenly okay, but I do feel like things keep moving forward.

    Here is the link to Susan Millers Horoscope site if anyone is interested:

    PS. I really heart Carol Allen.

  69.  #69Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Wow I just had a vision of being pele the volcano goddess

    And all the anger reds up my inner nervous system like lava and it comes out and creates more earth, more life rickabd strength


  70.  #70Radiance on December 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    I love releasing my perfectionism and defensiveness around people’s responses to my words. This feels healing.

    I love not being tied to their specific meaning for everyone who reads them.

  71.  #71Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm


    yes! I love the sound of that! Totally focusing on your wellness and wellbeing…….that’s awesome! That’s taking charge of your life!


  72.  #72Hopeful on December 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Ice Princess – Yes, give yourself one nice treat per day. Treat yourself like a diva. Feeling good is healing.

  73.  #73Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    It flows out

  74.  #74VW on December 29, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Hmm…I stopped from my daily errands (crazy week)…and feel like reflecting upon something…

    A past friend – befriended me again on FB. Initially, she deleted me over a year ago because my ‘lifestyle”, things i post/interests didn’t fit her “religious” beliefs…

    sigh…she and another woman refused to B(ible study with me as well…I lived a sinful life style per their views…:(

    When she befriended me, she also tagged me to a post she had just wrote…and towards the end was talking about “saving the sheep that is lost…”

    Hmm…I cringed…I felt sad and guarded…does she still think I need “saving”?…Wow…I feel scared that she still thinks so…:(

    I notice feeling closed off and really turned off when I hear about “praise G*od…or in the name of J8sus”…:(

    While I believe in both…this display brings anger within me…

    Leaving a C*rist life…is not calling his name (and yet, maybe for some people visualizing Him as outside themselves helps them…i dunno)…

    However, I believe He is the way…the example through which we open ourselves to the Spirit of G*od…the teachings of surrendering, accepting….forgiving…

    I feel afraid to say…the interpretation of the B*ible feel wrong to me…

    I feel afraid to speak that the new M8siah likely could be a woman…or possibly no gender…wow…

    I feel tearful …and afraid…I might be on a path of total alienation from most of humanity…the way it is now…:( that I might be a very old woman before the final awakening of humanity…

    And yet, I surrender to the path that feels right for me…


  75.  #75Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    If all women were sirens we would still not all be alike. I am special because I am me not because I am exactly like everyone else. I am the authentic “me” as they would be their authentic selves…

  76.  #76Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    ‘The deeper issue is because the energy in the relationship flows from HER to HIM, NOT from HIM to HER – which is what we NEED as women! (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you…)’

    I feel angry reading the ‘I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that’

    I Don’t know that automatically – what does that make me? Stupid? Left out?

    I feel left out !

    I feel angry!!!!!!


    I think in my relationships I mighty been fine in the masculine role, if the men would just LOVE me.

    But they didnt and they would chase other women and that felt bad.

    And the bumping heads felt bad.

    And the pining.

    Love to me.

    Eventually I know I would want to be loved.

    Anger fear

    Fear of being in an unfulfilling relationship feeling stuck and cheating and pining for the ‘forbidden love’ ohhh the heartbreak and beauty of pain

    Love to me

    I’m healing

    I’m opening the side door I’m letting the lava flow

  77.  #77April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    For me it’s about being girl whenever I am consciously in my awareness. I choose girl. I suspect, however, that a lot of default ‘boy’ energy that I still am unconscious of, comes through me.

  78.  #78Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Sorry Radiance for shutting down towards you and judging you

  79.  #79Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    I feel shame and fear

    I love my Shane and fear



    Feeling cozy

  80.  #80Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    I wonder what my chart will be like… I’m starting to feel safe and connected and loved by the stars

  81.  #81Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Yay that was something I wanted. Let alone the moon.., I feel like that’s my sister

  82.  #82Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    …and I’m a woman all the time. A womanly woman…


  83.  #83April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 2:46 pm


    Yesterday when you wrote me about
    “…my VERY feminine very demanding (my judgement) quite bratty and self centered feminine self…”

    I replied
    I am curious as to this ‘quite bratty’ side of you that you describe.
    How does it manifest in your interaction with men?

    I’d love to hear about this. I too feel a thing in me that I might call ‘bratty’. For me its about wanting my own way, and feeling afraid of what someone else wants from me.
    In order to surrender I have to really be calm and gentle with my inner brat (scared little girl).

    I’m not saying it’s the same for you. How do you experience it?

  84.  #84Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I’m on my way home… to my little Christmas tree… I will turn on the little fairly lights and admire the garland I created for it. I crocheted my 55 soulmate rings into it. I’m loving it.

    Yay, double yay!

    I think I’ve eaten too much chocolate…


  85.  #85elle_emm on December 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    just tapped along with margaret lynch’s second chakra video.

    i discovered that when i was little i felt like my needs and wants were annoyance to my parents who had no money and were always stressed about income. they were also both alcoholics who were very unhappy. i felt so sad tapping. i never wanted to annoy them or make mum feel bad because she couldn’t give us what other kids had.

  86.  #86Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Yay! I no longer feel mad at 10ft CD – the one who changed plans after I waited 2 hrs and then wanted me to stand in libe w him for men’s shoes for our first meeting cux it was conveniently nearby.


    I didn’t want to talk to him cuz I felt turned off resentful and do I didn’t take his calls… Now data later he left a voicemail and calling back I feel so good and warm and no resentment

  87.  #87Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Wow SLV. Garland sounds awesome!

    Feeling jealous of your creative energy creating garland

  88.  #88Starla on December 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    gosh i am sooo tempted to post on your wall:

    “Thank you for coming to our Satanists of Oregon meeting this week. We all enjoyed meeting you and are glad you’ll be coming back!”


  89.  #89Daria on December 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    I feel afraid to start any hands on projects

    I feel fear that if I ‘mess up’ it shows I have ‘no takent’ and that is Unxhangeable and it is Everything. I was taught this belief from my parents. Love to me… I am healing

    I actually think I have ‘some talent’

    That is a trap cuz… I don’t need talent

    We all have it as in can grow our expressions feel goodness

    Like u did in dance

    Love me!

    Love to me

  90.  #90Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Uhoh , I’ve skipped a lot lately… Feeling a lil overwhelmed thinking of people w unanswered q still waiting…

    Can u guys re – ask? If u want to know mucho?

    Also email me any q is fine :

  91.  #91Dominique on December 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    VW – Do you really want this kind of energy in your life? I feel curious as to why you are allowing it? What is it that needs to heal around this? Maybe staying true to authentic you no matter what others say/think/feel? ANd feeling good and strong in this?

    Is there another message here?


  92.  #92Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    65: Aurora Girl – the site was Totally cracks me up every time I’m on there!

    And what’s even better is that there’s also an iPhone app for it! Haha! Keeps me amused on the train but I have to be careful not to laugh too loud otherwise people think I’m nuts! 😉

  93.  #93Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    IP – thinking of you and sending positive healing vibes your way. xxx

  94.  #94Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    wow, i really feel like i need to be backing off and increasing my CD’ing, cuz CF is moving an hour away. I don’t want to fall into the girlfriend trap where i am always waiting on him and problem solving seeing each other. we’re gonna be slow moving, dating and meeting up at pre-planned times, always at his initiation. i don’t want to feel trapped, lost, or forgotten

    and i can so handle this if i’m true to my boundaries and feelings.

  95.  #95Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Heading down to the Gold Coast with TH today. Yay! I have my baby home today so we might go for a wander along the beach while we’re down there (he needs to pick up a shirt, which is why we’re going).

    I’m feeling extremely sore today after my second day of my “Insanity” workout program… gawd…. TH was lying on the couch as I worked out, telling me to push harder! OMG I can’t wait till he starts doing these – he is sooo going to pay! Haha!

  96.  #96Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    April Rose – my bratty side was coming off demanding with guyfriend Cd (it triggered him at first, then he seemed to accept and understand)

    It’s like, my bratty side throws a mans hand off her when all of a sudden his touch feels too hot.

    She says No! To kissing in a 3 year olds voice.

    She says! Ohhh I want Asian soup… And still says she wants Asian soup when cd looks sad and confused to figure out how to get it

    Then she wants water

    Then she wants candy

    Then she wants to smoke. She doesn’t want to wait


    Last note I did practice mucho…

    The bratty side is Great! And sooo wonderful

    To translate her: gimme!


    Allowed me tp relax and fibd feeking words

    and said… ‘it would feel great to… Drink some water’


    She’s wonderfully sexy energy, and translating her ‘demands’ to feelings FEELS EVEN BETTER than bossing men around demanding style:

    Go get me some food from downstairs!!! *whine* CDeeee…

    I’m translating her now, before it felt liberating and self honoring tO just express her as she came out, in demands… When I felt ok with that, and that I will be ok and I still love me – and am actually lived by the men too –

    Now translating makes it feel even MORE nourishing to my peace

  97.  #97Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    pre-planned dates that he initiates. These are my boundaries for if he wants to keep seeing me even though he’s moving an hour away. No expectation of exclusivity. He’s leaving my part of the state… he can’t be my “man” whenever i need him anymore. Ohh I feel sad realizing this, but feel fine accepting circumstance as long as I don’t end up martyring myself for our “relationship.”

    Pre-planned dates that he initiates, no girlfriend exclusivity without a specific wedding date, as long as he lives so far away.

    fair enough, right, ladies? any other thoughts from you all?

  98.  #98Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Hello goddes, how are you?

    I feel mushy powerless miserable

    Aww. I love your mushy powerless miserable feeling


    That felt deep and good

  99.  #99April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    I’d like to try translating my brat.

    She wants to yell “SHUTUP!”
    I could say “it would feel so good to allow some silence around us right now”

    Trouble is, it feels boring to my brat to be translated. She hates grown-up stuff!

  100.  #100Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Starla – yeah I felt whoa scare reading ‘as long as he lives so far away’

    I heard in that that I’d he lived closer there would be gf exclusivity without marriage

    And then wondered if moving him far away is magical self’s way of ensuring boundaries can be honored

    Ie only safe to honor them at a distance, don’t trust self to honor them close up,

    Not safe

  101.  #101Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I feel sad. like this will be the end of our wonderful time together. Because we’re not very good on the phone and need to see each other to feel connected. when we’re in a room together, we can’t keep off of each other.

    but if i’m only seeing him once a week, i will feel disconnected. i will feel turned off. i will feel afraid that he is going to feel the same.

    oh i don’t like this one bit.

    he asked me how i felt about it before he made the plan, but that was before Halloween, and we weren’t as serious then, so I said I had no right to an opinion, and we’d cross that bridge when we got there. Then his sister and mom tried to convince him to stay, so that he wouldn’t screw things up with me, and he always was convinced, except he really needs a nicer, cheaper place to live.

    He told me if it doesn’t work out, he won’t be in a lease, so he can figure something else out.

    but i feel pessimistic

    and i’m going to date like a bazillion guys, holy crap, i feel afraid of what’s going to happen to me and CF.

  102.  #102Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    “I heard in that that I’d he lived closer there would be gf exclusivity without marriage”

    if he’s available to be my man in the flesh because he lives in my area code, lol, then i’m good with exclusivity with marriage on the table.

    so far away, i would feel much better having an actual date set for a wedding.

    gf exclusivity is out of the question, entirely.

    also, i feel f*cking defensive towards you saying this and am going to kick puppies.

  103.  #103Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    and how the hell am i supposed to start having sex with this man when he isn’t going to be physically present most of the time? I don’t want to f*ck him and then he has to leave to get home at a decent hour. Yuck. And I don’t want him staying the night at my house either. Yuck.

    I feel frustrated in advance, lol. but it would feel good to feel clear on this before we start talking about it.

  104.  #104Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    i guess i just need to start scripting out my feelings on this. a way to tell him that yes, i absolutely adore him and would hate to stop seeing him, but i don’t want it to feel bad for me either or a lot of pressure for him, etc.

    i suppose i have a little bit of time to figure this out, unless he brings it up tonight or something, lol.

  105.  #105Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    April Rose – hmm I would practice expressing her directly first.

    Maybe a ‘shuttup’ jokingly

    Then see how you feel.

    Get a real Raw translation as possible – and try tgat.

    sometimes grunts are the best.

    ‘I feel overwhelmed’. Is what I’d use

    Likely there’ll be some qs what about

    ‘talking feels overwhelming. I don’t want any noise.’

    Is still got the demanding flair to me but … It’s heard better in general

    ‘sorry for being abrupt. What do you think?’


    I felt SHOCKED that I actually felt fulfilled translating her and not unheard frustrated and toned down … I wonder how I did that in simple steps…

  106.  #106Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Sorry to trigger your defensiveness starla

    Enjoy the puppy pain

  107.  #107Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    90 BW

    thank you thank you thank you so much!!!!

  108.  #108Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    muahahaha, defenseless puppies

  109.  #109Daria on December 29, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Omg I sound do hollow and not caring

    I feel frustrated w myself

    I want to heal this and express myself in ways that feel good and are heard and not controlly or judgy

    ‘sorry Starla u know I suck at expressing myself about someone else’s situation without getting in their business judging them triggering them and trying to control them.

    Babysteps to being honest though, even If the worst – THAT – actually happens and people feel triggered.


    Feeling all poor me about it!

    I have a vow to always see myself as pushy hollow powerful stronger .

    I want to heal this.

    Feeling angry at feeling misunderstood


    So angry!

    I live my elemental anger.

    Thanks Starla !

    Also really, sorry for triggering you w my expression.

    I’m aware that – well in practicing – changing it. So that it’s more about me and big what I think other people should be doing which I’d what I wrote to you with some of that energy.

    I cut Corners cuz I feel accepted and safe w u and

    That’s like telling my mom fuck you instead if I feel angry

    And it’s not the way to go I see that.

    The intention was to feel close w someone I love ((Starla))

    Yah for all this healing!


  110.  #110Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    oooooooooooooooh the boy in me just reminded my girl that all i need to worry about until he moves (in about a month) is leaning back, and being a girl, and CDing and not treating him much different than any other man.

    and all will be fine. with or without him.

  111.  #111April Rose on December 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    “She’s wonderfully sexy energy, and translating her ‘demands’ to feelings FEELS EVEN BETTER than bossing men around demanding style:”

    I can feel deep down how this would be true. I need to talk to her, to reassure her that she will be heard and cared for by me, and that her energy will be let free even more. I think she will feel safe with the kind of care you are talking about. Particularly the PAUSE before allowing her to erupt. In the pause, there is a choice.

    Having a choice, I feel, is what nourishes her.

  112.  #112Starla on December 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    with the holidays and our birthdays and everything, i’ve been in masculine energy, and now i don’t know how to stop without sending him the message that i want him to back off.

    this will be a fun challenge. and will feel extremely uncomfortable. hah.

  113.  #113VW on December 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm


    Sorry…i don’t understand…how do i want this energy in my life? I feel confused…:( by allowing her back in my life?

    warm hugs,

  114.  #114Liz on December 29, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    I just talked with my therapist and told him about what happened with accountantCD…I feel sad and I feel really aligned with myself that I stuck with my boundaries and that I communicated them to him and that he wants to honor me and the boundaries.

    So i asked my therapist, why do I feel so sad? And the answer was that when someone uses boundaries for really the first time, it will feel sad. The boundaries allow the sad feelings that are buried to come up, the feelings that I was not connecting to by engaging with accountantCD, knowing that he had a girlfriend.

    So I feel sad in my left breast….i feel agitated and confused and unsafe……

  115.  #115Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    I can feel your love! Guess what!? I went out and bought myself a pretty dress. LP flooded my phone with texts about doing something tomorrow. He suggested three things to do tomorrow and I didn’t reply right away because I was in the dressing room of the store and he ended up saying we can do one of these (three things: fishing, golfing, shopping) and then he said “none?”. Then his last showed his thoughtfulness when he asked if I wanted to go boating or kayakking. I told him a few days ago how nice that would feel.

  116.  #116Liz on December 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Hi Ice Princess,

    I just wanted to say hello to you and acknowledge that you are feeling challenged by having cancerous cells in your cervix for the last year.
    May your body heal and may you feel supported by the sirens here.

  117.  #117Ice Princess on December 29, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Thanks Liz! 🙂

  118.  #118Zara on December 29, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Ice Princess

    You will be fine, one step at a time, you’ll do your best and things will clear up.

  119.  #119Daria on December 29, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    April Rose – the ‘denanding’ is a joking fun way of relating in my family…
    It feels so good to feel safe w a man to do that…

    And… After some time I find myself doing it more and more.. It starts feeling draining

    Also I don’t get what want

    As much as translating

    It takes more awareness – energy

    Now to shift

    When it’s shifted it will feel nourishing and magical

    She really wants chocolate – so … Does that mean ‘gimme chocolate!’

    Is the way to get that… One way that doesn’t work so well

    I don’t want to boss people and yell at them and treat them like servants

    I want chocolate

    Pause … Chocolate would feel so yummy… What do you think? *look in eye

    Feels peaceful (and scary). And gets me chocolate (or peace and love)

  120.  #120Daria on December 29, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Even : ‘I don’t want to wait to eat it”

    Works better than ‘I want to eat it Now’

    Wow amazing stuff!

    Feeling all tense and shaky writing about these huge things for me

  121.  #121Daria on December 29, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    ((Ice Princess))

  122.  #122Daria on December 29, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Liz – wow thank u.. I often noticed I feel sad after honoring my boundaries at first… Awww


  123.  #123Starla on December 29, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    My spoiled brat self tells men that if they’re going to keep me around, i have to eat well 3 times a day. it’s been working great for a long time. i actually has “MyGuy” take me home even though it was 45 minutes away, because he wanted to feed me mcdonalds, and I said no.

    😀 I feel no remorse.

  124.  #124Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    105: Aurora Girl – You’re welcome! If your sense of humour is as silly as mine, you’ll be laughing your ar$e off in no time! 😀

  125.  #125Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    112: Ice Princess – Awww! Sometimes these boys just surprise us with what they do. And remember to show true appreciation for each little thing – it inspires him to do even more! 🙂

  126.  #126Aurora Girl on December 29, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    121 BW

    oh yes lm*o…..twisted humour for sure…….

  127.  #127Dominique on December 29, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    VW – What I am suggesting is that this kind of energy, these kinds of people, though you can love them and feel compassion for them, are causing you heartbreak. You don’t need “saving” from anything. Your path is yours, and I for one love your path. I’m asking you to love it as well no matter who says what to you.


  128.  #128VW on December 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    I am going on a date tonite…

    1st date…yet, we’ve seen each other before…but never introduced till last Friday nite by a mutual friend…

    Been talking since …he is very handsome, educated…polite, manners…younger i think :)…and appears to want to lead…doing pretty well so far …

    he offered to pick me up from the house tonite and go out together…

    that feels good…

    i sooo pray i won’t end up making love to him so early…sigh..

    wow…i feel so highly aroused just thinking of going out on a date with him…naughty me…:(

  129.  #129Daria on December 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Hey! I just felt grabbed by my mom at the 2nd chakra… Wow!

  130.  #130Liz on December 29, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    have fun on your date VW!

    Thanks Daria,

    I know, you would think i would just feel good that my boundaries are respected, but it must be bringing up feelings about having no boundaries as a kid….
    well, signing off,
    have a great night everyone.

  131.  #131VW on December 29, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Aww my sweet lovely beautiful Dominique 🙂 thank you for your love and support always 🙂


    I felt better after I expressed my self-doubts…

    Adversity no longer scares me as before…i learned the difference between pain and suffering…

    I might feel pain at times for not being accepted…yet, by far I am not suffering…

    Through pain I’ve acquired most of my growth and understanding of human kind…I feel open to learning about the message that this experience – new one- is about…

    Having friends like you in my life…it sure makes my path easier…:)

    Love you beautiful woman 🙂

    warm hugs,

  132.  #132VW on December 29, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Thank you Liz 🙂

    Daria, how does it feel to be grabbed by someone on 2nd Chakra? I feel sooo curious 🙂

    warm hugs,

  133.  #133Dominique on December 29, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    VW – It will unfold as it does, and it will be perfect no matter what it is.


  134.  #134Dominique on December 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Ah VW, it comes down to accepting you first, so whatever someone else thinks doesn’t affect you, for you feel strong in your being just as you are.

    Sending you much love.


  135.  #135VW on December 29, 2011 at 5:08 pm


    Yes, yes…that feels sooo awesome to hear! Talking about my date right? 🙂 just checking…lol

    warm hugs,

  136.  #136Dominique on December 29, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    yes vw, yes, date night.


  137.  #137Lizka on December 29, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Hi to all the wonderfull Sirens!

    Just passing by quickly to send a warm hug from the middle of my vacation. Things are going better since this morning with my father and her girlfriend. I made a big effort to smile and be nice, I think it helped. You all helped me a lot with your suggestions and I am finally enjoying my vacation a little more. I have made the decision that I am not returning to Canada by car with them, I am offering myself a plane ticket so I will get there fresh and rest and won’t have to spend two days driving with them and not sleeping. Plus it’s gonna give me 2 more days to rest at home before going back to work. This is priceless. Since I made this decision, I feel so release and this is partialy what makes me finaly feel lighter and more smily.

    I don’t have time to catch up with the blog and read all your stories, but I really hope that you are all feeling amazing and that you are feeling hopefull just like me for the new year to come. Tomorrow I’ll try to find some time to take news from you.

    Love you all!



  138.  #138Daria on December 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    VW – it feels like being paralyzed and in my head, while feeling a squeezing in my lower back or side

    It’s like shutdown otherwise, fear, like stuffing, like wanting to please the person, anxiety,

    Not feeling safe to express that I don’t want to hear this



  139.  #139VW on December 29, 2011 at 6:02 pm


    wow…:( hmm…

    it feels bad that my sista is holding back 🙁

    what do u think?

    warm hugs,

  140.  #140Daria on December 29, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Starla – I live that spoiled brat self.

    She says I’m hungry, I don’t want to sit here and not eat

    And she now has practiced and got more comfortable letting men know that she doesn’t feel good going home after smoking… She needs to be looked after

    That feels so unconfortable to me I feel sooo unconfortable with thoughts that I’m imposing


    Love to me!

  141.  #141Daria on December 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    VW – it feels great to Notice the feeling…

    Relaxing into and feeling the feelings before speaking

    Right now I’m feeling … Mm… Excited and tense a lil in make it happen mode w a date

    Glad I wrote that cuz now I had the thought to lean back!

  142.  #142VW on December 29, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Oh, wow…thank you Daria…

    That is amazing that you can now notice how 2nd Chakra is affected during an interaction…

    wow…awesome description…thank you, thank you…

    warm hugs,

  143.  #143Daria on December 29, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    i can REALLy feel the 1st chakra especially … after this chakra tappings i feel so much more aware of each..

    1st chakra its like two electric lines down the inside of my thighs to toes that feels fiery when i feel afraid upset 1st chakrah stuff

  144.  #144lilybelly on December 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm


    Yes, Yes, YES… Dominique..

    Biggest lesson I learned this year.

  145.  #145lilybelly on December 29, 2011 at 6:26 pm


    Yay to date, VW…


  146.  #146lilybelly on December 29, 2011 at 6:31 pm


    Are you here? I feel worried about your sadness…


  147.  #147VW on December 29, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Aww, thank you Lilybelly 🙂

  148.  #148FlowerChild77 on December 29, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Hello Sirens,

    I haven’t been around much on the blog. I’ve been working on myself and actually enjoying my life for the first time…probably ever. Everything I’ve learned from Rori (and from you all) has really changed my life and my relationship with myself.

    I am ‘engaged’ to xbf/bf and have been trying to stay in my girl energy as much as possible. Some of you may remember me talking about financial problems and me possibly moving in with him.

    For the first time in my life, I am learning to love myself (the Inner Bonding work REALLY made a difference…I’ve been “trying” to learn to love myself for years and years and nothing ever seemed to help me to do it…but the Inner Bonding really worked.)

    Anyway….my bottom line is that I don’t want to/won’t give up my rented house (which I could stay in forEVER, if I wanted to) unless there is some security for me in moving in with him (ie: a will…or better yet a revocable trust for the house in case something happens before we get married. I am 51 and he is 57, so this is a valid concern.

    He knows this and has done nothing about it. And now he’s afraid he will lose the house (it IS true that together we could “save” it) so I, now, feel like I’m being a stubborn, demanding bitch.

    I haven’t been ‘bitCHY” about it, and really don’t feel like I should have had to bring it up at all. Isn’t caring about what happens to me and making sure I feel safe and protected supposed to come from him?

    He is clueless in many ways, so I have had to bring up things I didn’t really want to just to make sure he knows what I mean, etc.

    So now, he’s talking about leaving and that just makes me feel like I don’t exist outside of that house. There is no talking to him about it…he’s angry and acting quite childish (hanging up on me, etc.)

    I do love him and I’ve been ‘helping’ with the house and with finances for months now. Partly because he has been there for me in the past and I felt like it was the right thing to do…but now I feel like it’s all been for nothing.

    I know that part of my motivation (no scolding, please…it hurts badly enough) was not realizing my worth as a person/woman and feeling deep down that if I ‘gave’ enough and helped enough I would be “worth” more and would feel more justified in wanting the basic security that most men want FOR their wives. I was wrong….and, I now see, rather foolish.

    I’m not going to beat myself up about it, but I can’t budge on this boundary. I cannot move there and live “in limbo” indefinitely.

    I’m trying to keep myself busy and focused on myself. I got out my drawing stuff and signed up for an online drawing class. I was really having fun this evening….all the while pushing away feelings of guilt and selfishness. As though I have no right to be happy or enjoy anything when he is about to lose the house.

    I need a pep talk. I meditate several times a day and I’ve been trying to stick with FM’s and stay centered so as not to start any fights when we talk. I am prepared to walk away if I have to, but I need some Siren power.

    I have been understanding and patient, but I know I cannot give in on this. And I feel like a FOOL for being dumb enough to have brought it up (Versus having enough self respect and confidence to let it be and figure he just isn’t interested in how I feel or whether I feel safe and cherished.)

    It was SO not right for me to ever talk about it in the first place (so ‘not’ girl energy—and I know that.) So now I feel like some kind of gold digger witch who won’t stick by him in this crisis (although I HAVE helped, considerably) unless I get what I want.

    Ugh….I feel good that I finally have boundaries and can stick to them…but I can’t shake the guilt. I feel like I’ve come so far and really made a lot of progress with myself and I’m trying not to let his pouting and self centered-ness bring me down.

    I need to hear that I’m doing the right thing and that I am worth sticking up for—even if it’s me sticking up for myself. 🙁

  149.  #149T-Girl on December 29, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    I had a wonderful holiday with my daughter, J and his massive family. He is so good to both of us. Then my daughter started acting up like 13 he older do and I had to go onto boy mode and discipline her. Ever since then things have been different. In fact, he didn’t even call me last night and we usually talk every day.

    It is so hard balancing being mom and girlfriend at the same time. My fear is he is contemplating if he wants that in his future.

    I would love to hear how other sirens handle balancing being mom and girlfriend and staying in the feminine.

  150.  #150T-Girl on December 29, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    I hate typing on my phone.. I was trying to say she was acting like a 13 year old.

  151.  #151Zara on December 29, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    A man dates woman1.
    It is not going as well as he would like.
    On Xmas eve, he feels lonely, nobody to be with, and the woman he loves is not available and something is wrong. He logs on a site and chat with woman2.
    He thinks why not meet woman2 tonight, nothing lost, nothing gained, just a little less loneliness for tonight.
    The man and woman2 get along fine.
    He does not work, has a lot of free time and feels hurt, missing woman1 he loves dearly. The time spent with his new friend, woman2, helps chase the hurt of loving woman1 who apparently is not available to him
    So he spends a lot of time with woman2, she is only a friend. But when woman1 is available for a date, he dates her. He never gives up courting woman1.

    He feels lost, he does not know what woman1 is about and he wants to learn how to please her.
    Once in a while he asks his trusted friend, woman2:
    “what should a man do to inspire a woman to do such and such thing or to feel such and such thing”
    and woman2, a beautifully heartened lady tells him what SHE would like HIM to do for herself. She does not say “you”. She says:
    “when *a man* does this, *a woman* feels that”. Or “I would love for a man to do such and such”

    He thanks woman2 for her honesty and feels hopeful he might know what to do next with woman1.
    Woman2 can feel the hope and joy come back inside him, she thinks his smile is about him being happy to be making plans to make HER, woman2, happy. She does not know he is learning to inspire woman1. She does not know she is being the teacher to the man, she is teaching him how to court woman1. She does not even know woman1 exists.

    He feels grateful to woman2, he loves dearly his good friend woman2. He says “Woman2 you are a very special person, I love you”. He thanks God for putting such a special generous friendship on his path while he was suffering from love for woman1. He feels grateful and looks deep into woman2’s eyes, who takes this as a proof of romantic love for herself.

    This misunderstanding went on during 9 months.

    He learns with woman2’s body how to touch a woman. And he also let her please him once. He is trying to grab the courage to become physical with woman1 and he is practicing with woman2.

    woman2 thinks she is having a romantic relationship with the man.
    On his side, the man thinks she knows that this can’t be even dating as he thinks she is aware he is giving her nothing. He thinks she does not mind a friend playing with her body. He does not know she thought he was making love to her. He thinks she enjoys giving him her time and her knowledge of what a woman wants from a man.

    When the man’s mother asks woman2 to drive him to a doctor for the mind, in a far away town, she drives him.
    He thinks she does it out of friendship, he does not know she wants something in exchange. She wants his romantic love.
    In the car, he listens to a love song, that probably reminds him of woman1 and he cries. Or he might have thought his mental state will not allow him to have the love of a woman. He does not consider woman2 as a possible romantic lover, but as a dear trusted friend. Woman2 is the only one willing to take him as he is, and he cries, he wants woman1 to take him as he is. He might have thought he will feel lonely all his life.
    He turns his back to woman2 in the car, he rests his head and cry. She sees his tears and thinks he is a romantic lovely man who cries on a love song because he is sensible to music.

    He writes in his journal “please God help me let go of whatever stops me from getting the love of this woman”
    Woman2 reads his journal and thinks she is the woman. She does not know he is dating woman1 and he loves woman1.

    He asks woman2 about women and their dream of marriage and things like that. Woman2 feels thrilled, she is sure he means to propose to her.
    The man is far from understanding how the mind of woman2 works. He does not get her at all, he thinks she is still teaching him to help him be happy. She speaks of unconditional love, it made sense to him that she was helping him for nothing in return. Besides, most men take what female friends give, they don’t waste energy wondering if they “should” take it or what the friend wants in exchange.

    He figures he could take one of the rings of woman2, to check the size of the finger of woman1. If the finger of woman1 is the same size as the ring, then he figures he could take the ring to a jewelry and buy a ring of the same size for woman1. (My story has several different tweaks to this part, it depends who is the man and how I feel when I write my story. He might not even take the ring, but when woman2 can’t find her old ring, she thinks he took it because they chatted about women and marriage and rings)
    In any case, Woman2’s imagination is running all over the place and she tells friends he is going to propose, he took her ring to buy her an engagement ring.
    Her friends know the man, they know he is not in love, he is not dating her, and some of them even might know his real date, woman1. Even if they don’t know about woman1, they know he visits woman2 as a friend and nothing else. They love woman2, they worry for her. They speak to the man. They tell him to stop the misunderstanding, she is going to crash herself into the wall.
    Either that or the friends went to congratulate the man for his proposal to woman2 and he fell off the mountain, surprised that woman2 could even think he would propose to her.

    He calls instantly for a meeting with woman2. He tells her this is only friendship and he never meant to propose to her.
    During the following 2 years, woman2 will keep stuck to the idea he did propose to her and the devil made him do it and undo it, for the pleasure of hurting her.
    During the following 2 years she will reproach him to have lied to her when he said ”I love you”. At times the man says he does not remember having said such thing. Probably because he did not say it in a romantic context and he does not remember when he said “I love you” to each of his friends. At other times he admits he loved his friend. She keeps misunderstanding when he says he loved his friend.

    He stopped going to the same church as long as she was stuck with the idea that he was her romantic lover and that, as such, he was obligated to be with her and to love her. He stayed away.

    Woman2 eventually learnt to stop stalking the man, so, after a couple of years, he accepted to meet her again as a friend. He regularly makes clear this is friendship and she regularly agrees to it and assures she knows it is only friendship and she is OK with it. She is dying of her obsession for the man yet she keeps texting him “as a friend” and hoping to meet him “as a friend”. I know it is the total opposite of what is taught on this blog but this is a story.

    So woman2 lies to the man and she pretends she is OK with the friendship. And she lies to herself that she can make it on a friendship level, she can waste her entire life with no love from him or from any other man and she can keep dedicating her time and energy texting him for years until she sees him getting married to another woman.

    Come Xmas 2011 and he is all alone again and his friend woman2 is all alone, giving him all her attention and time as usual.
    He thinks “why not? She says she understood I don’t want a romantic relationship with her, we are friends. She says she understands we don’t even date at all, we are friends. If she is up to some sex talk and warm friendship, why not? We can help each other fill in our loneliness for Xmas eve”
    Sex talk or sex games do not make a man think of a relationship or dating. It is up to the woman to say “no, thank you”. As long as she says “yes” to sex games, he will go for it. He does not feel he is abusing the woman or lying to her. He figures she takes care of herself and she is doing what she wants to do.
    So this man and woman2 sex text a little bit and they meet on Xmas eve 2011.

    What do you think happened into woman2’s imagination?
    She is back to Xmas eve 2008 when they first met. And off she goes, starting a new trip in her personal rut.
    She refuses to hear him say he is not in love, he does not want a relationship. She does not know this blog, or else she would know having sexual games with a female friend means nothing to a man. If it means a lot to a woman, it is her responsibility to say “no” for herself.
    Spending Xmas eve with a woman means nothing to a man when he is not in love.

    If speaking friendship with a man she loves is painful, it is the woman’s responsibility to stop speaking to him. It is not his responsibility. He takes care of himself, she takes care of herself. He gets friendship and sex wherever they allow him to get it, and she decides if she is part of it or not. She is in control of her life, she’s got the power.
    Woman2 has always had the power but she is scared to use her power. She blames her childhood, her parents, sometimes herself, or the man. Yet, it is not about blame. It’s not about what others did and/or do. It is about her, here and now. Is not this wonderful news???!!! Nobody’s business what she feels and thinks, it is her own business and she’s got the power to stop her thoughts hurting her mind.

    It is all up in her mind, nothing is real, nobody is hurting her. She is hurting herself running her movies in her mind over and over “he should love me” “he should marry me” . “He lied to me” “he proposed to me just to hurt me” “he is devil” “he does not live up to my expectations, on purpose to hurt me” “He did not go to church specially to make me feel bad. He wants to hurt me.”
    So what if he was devil? It’s his business. And I am the devil when I judge him a devil. I am abusing myself. She has the power to stop making it happen to her, over and over, inside her mind. She is abusing herself, she is letting these thoughts hurt her mind. Any minute she can switch off the plug.

    “He lied to me” can be turned around “I lied to me” and “I lied to him” ( God, do I have examples in my own life for this turn-arounds! Don’t we all have them?) and so what, it is the past, I notice I lied and may be he did not lie or he did. We are the same, we lie. So what? Who’s to blame? Nobody, such is the universal mind, lying. It’s fine, as long as we question our lies and don’t believe them too long a time. I find the examples where I lied to me and where I lied to him and I notice and see the truth at last.
    “he should love me” can be turned around “I should love me” and “I should love him”. I betrayed the love for myself when I abandon myself by making my worth depends of his love for me. Why wait for him to love me, why not take care of myself right now, myself? Why would he love me when I don’t love me? I betrayed him too, when I judge him a devil and a liar and a man whose only goal in life is to hurt me. Where is the love for him when I believe these thoughts? I am attacking him, I am not loving him. Why would he love me then?
    The thoughts attacking my mind are all lies. He did nothing to me, I did it to myself. Great news because, if so, I can stop it NOW. I’ve got the power.

  152.  #152T-Girl on December 29, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Zara I hope you truly believe that you Do have the power.

  153.  #153Femininewoman on December 29, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    Zara you re-writing of that story reminds me of another siren who used to post some great analyses just a few months ago.

  154.  #154Starla on December 29, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Being vulnerable and open and honest about how you’re feeling when you’re feeling bad or stressed in conversation with your man feels SO GUT WRENCHINGLY HUMILIATING to me.

    I do it anyway, but I feel ashamed and terrible of myself when it’s over… like i must look like a crazy person. even if he says it’s all fine and dandy.

    i feel imprisoned and nauseated and exposed and unworthy and like a bad person.

    aaaaand he said he was trying his best to do things right but sometimes it’s like he hasn’t figured the way out yet because the solution seems complex. and i feel awful that i’ve been embodying this baffling complexity in my communications and emotional reactions. i FEEL bafflingly complicated these days.

    he is trying really hard to be a good man in response to me expressing that i’m feeling bad and to me bumbling through trying say what i’m feeling, and i feel like i am making it more unpleasant than it has to be because i require lots of reassurance…but i require A LOT of reassurance that everything’s a-okay, and i feel super ashamed of myself…and he said he’ll tell me as much as i ever need that everything is okay and that he thinks i’m wonderful, and i don’t want to take that for granted by testing that to the limit. A lot of this is in me and has nothing to do with how he is acting.

    And also, I feel terrible to see this blameyness in myself that triggers others into feeling like they’re not adequate. i feel the blameyness in how much i repeat myself and my feelings in various different ways because i don’t want to be misunderstood, so i ramble in search of precision. it’s ridiculous. and hurtful, it seems.

    In general I “ramble” in writing and speech – here on the blog, in work emails, writing work reports, academic essays, articles, etc. i just feel and think and see so much at the same time and recognize that everything is connected to everything and very little exists in a linear fashion, that i have a hard time communicating. i wish i could write in 360 degrees. then i would make better sense, and i would feel more satisfied that i’ve effectively communicated.

    maybe if i focus on improving my overall ability to communicate more concisely, that would help me feel more confident and effective (and less frustrated and hopeless) in interpersonal communications.

    i could give myself writing challenges or something where i express something in 25 words or less.


  155.  #155Starla on December 29, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    wow that was almost a brain riff just then. i kinda needed that. i shall return shortly to talk about my feelings and send love to them, yes yes.

  156.  #156Starla on December 29, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    the feeling i keep coming back to is humiliated and exposed, because he said he knows i don’t want to have to put in any of the effort or “do” anything, but he’s never actually courted a girl before so he doesn’t know what the hell he is doing. i said i felt surprised to hear him say that and he asked why and i said because being around you feels awesome cuz you’re really good at it.

    i felt so defensive when he said “you don’t want to have to put in any effort.” i wanted to tell him i DO plenty by being incredibly sweet and receptive to him 99% of the freaking time. but i bit my tongue and just listened to him. and thanked him for telling me and that i felt a lot clearer on where he was coming from.

    this all started because i felt infinitely frustrated and uptight with planning new year’s eve stuff for CF. I didn’t want to and it stopped feeling fun to even think about going new years after about 20 minutes of trying to ‘figure’ it out with him. Finally I told him i was starting to feel drained and irritated, and started trying to explain how it feels, and i kept saying i’m just a girl, lol. i feel ridiculous.

    It is really nice that he said he would honor my desires with not having to plan new years and dates in general, even though he is a little confused by it all, but like i said, i don’t want to take it for granted. i feel like….i could be doing this with just a bit more compassion. but in the moment i just get stuck on this idea that if *i* start planning things, he is going to want me less. and i’ll feel really shaky trying to find balance between showing compassion and not sacrificing attraction.

    it all turns me into a bumbling idiot he heeeeeeeeeeeee

    i love my bumbling idiot self. it’s kinda cute. ok but only at first.

    what if i sent a lot of love to myself instead of beating myself up?

    what if i don’t beat myself up? will i then never change??


    ohhhh i just show ALL of my feelings sometimes. even when they’re “wrong.” i just share them anyway. but it makes the other person feel WRONG. that man feels responsible for my happiness.

    ohhh but tonight i DID want him to fix it. urgently.

    i feel confused again.


    i feel tightness and painful soreness in my lower back

    i feel painful emptiness in my belly

    my tongue feels fat and dry in my mouth

    the back of my mouth feels super dry

    my throat feels raw

    my left eye feels dry

    my elbows feel itchy

    mountain dryness.

    my ear feels itchy

    my face feels tight and tense, i’m letting those muscles relax now that i noticed it. moving my jaw side to side, and moving my muscles however feels good. i’m making very funny faces but it feels great.

    i am feeling my forehead relaxing now, aww that feels nice

    the inside of my ears

    all that tension is gone from my face but moved to my neck and shoulders.

    i feel sad, i’m thinking i don’t have enough time to sit and identify and release all the tense feelings in my body

  157.  #157Tiffany on December 29, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Yay, new article! It’s interesting how community does shape our experience of relationships…and I suppose also the relationships themselves…

  158.  #158elle_emme on December 29, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    A random guy bought me and my friend drinks tonight at a bar. I felt super-panicked. Then I enjoyed the drink and felt goddessy. I love m panicky feelings. And my goddessy ones.

  159.  #159TiaraDiva on December 29, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    @Butterfly Wings (#92)
    Thank you so much for posting the link! Laughter feels so good to me.

    I’m feeling frustrated though – just got back from another date with a CD. I feel so confused by men. I feel intrigued by this CD and his desire to follow through on his committment to meet me, but I gave him several ways out (because it was getting late, and he was still at work over 2 hours away).

    CD never opted to reschedule or cancel or anything, but he was totally exhausted by the time he made his way to where we were supposed to have dinner. The evening was okay …. but I felt “off” with CD … I don’t know if it was just the hour / the exhaustion / or soemthing else.

    I just feel all sad and frustrated. Interestingly, I was totally conscious of my masc / fem energy and was aware of my lean-back or overfunction modes. I felt irritated when I started to overfunction by opening my mouth to speak (I stopped myself and put my hand over my mouth to be quiet = worked quite well *yay* though I do feel silly) —

    But I did not feel bad for NOT offering to drive to him or a place closer to him. I feel better for NOT trying to rush to his aid and pretend that everything is all better now that our “date” began. I feel proud of myself for leaving the “date” within an hour.

    And, now, I feel bad because I don’t feel perfect for this CD … that I didn’t “do” enough for this CD to show him how awesome I am at carrying the weight of the world. But — Sirens aren’t supposed to carry the world’s problems on their own.

    Wow … I feel sad to realize that my bridge is now more empty than I feel comfortable with. I feel rejected and tossed away for not doing / for not overfunctioning / for not meeting closer to CD / for not actually cancelling or rescheduling the date [I left this for him to do by using FMs that I didn’t want to feel pressured on the first date at such a late hour or that I would feel sad to have missed tonight’s date – but I understand that he has work to tend to tomorrow. And then I would ask him what he thought or if there were other options].

    Oh … so now I’m feeling all discouraged and gloomy and want to go to sleep … I don’t feel peaceful trying to figure out where I went wrong or if I said anything wrong. I spoke what I felt … he responded … I just feel blah.

    Ugh … men.

  160.  #160Starla on December 29, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    and then through all of this all i want to do is lean forward to make sure everything is “okay” or explain my behavior and it just always makes me feel worse! always! so i’m not doing it!! nope!!!!


    i’m going to bed soon:)

  161.  #161Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Here are my latest texts with R, that took place throughout the day. I started out testing my theory…

    E: Haha! I got your number, Dollbaby! Give me Dollbaby or give me death! LOL!
    E: Dollbaby is helping Brenda be her best self. I am all for that, but I think that there are more pleasant ways to accomplish the same end.
    E: What do you think?
    (four hours later…)
    R: I don’t know what you are talking about.
    E: I see
    R: Explain it to me, so I know what you are talking about.
    E: Okay, I will next time I see you.
    R: Can you do it on a call?
    E: No, sorry. I promised myself that from now on if I have anything meaningful to discuss with you, I will not do it by telephone. I feel like I disrespected myself the other night, and I don’t wanna do that…that is no reflection on you.
    R: I’m quite irritated by your implications.
    R: I’m not trying to manipulate you or whatever to make you a better person.
    R: I’m actually offended.
    E: I didn’t mean anything mean or harmful or insulting. I feel nothing but deep respect for you.
    R: Well I am NOT trying to make you a better person in some kind of underhanded way!
    E: 
    R: So, I don’t kno what you are talking about.
    E: I see. I would like to show you a poster I made for one of my college classes when I see you next time. 
    R: I don’t think it’s fair to say something like that to me and then not explain it.
    E: You are very special. And I mean that in the positive sense of the word. You are 1 in 1,000,000,000. I respect you profoundly.
    R: What did you mean then?
    E: I’m sorry. I prefer to discuss this in person. In case you didn’t know this already, you are already operating in ministry. You made a profound influence on me in so many ways, and I feel internally and eternally grateful.
    R: I feel disrespected that you would say something like that to me and then not explain what you meant. That is unfair to me.
    E: I’m sorry, I should’ve held off saying anything at all until I saw you in person. I’m going swimming with my friend, but if you want to discuss it after that, I’d be glad to make a run out there.
    R: No thanks
    E: I hope you don’t think I’m trying to be manipulative, either, because I’m not. I didn’t think it would bother you that much, and I honestly wish I had held the discussion until I saw you in person.
    E: I just suggested this evening because you didn’t seem to want to sit on it. I am not trying to disrespect you, and you know it. I have made it no secret that I feel nothing but positive feelings toward you, to say the very least.
    R: I think I kind of kno what you are talking about and it’s NOT true.
    E: Hugs, peace.
    E: (((Dollbaby!))) (that’s my nickname for him)  Hugs!
    (about three hours later)
    E: The best catalyst for change is not pain, but unconditional, unfailing love. For example, I lost 35 pounds when we were dating, when things were going well. I felt accepted, and I was in a state of joy.
    E: In this fallen planet, pain is inflicted on us by the enemy. Change comes through God’s love in the midst of the pain, drawing us into his heart, and conforming us to his perfect image. God’s love is the most powerful force on earth. What do you think?
    R: I am not intentionally inflicting pain on you. Never have.
    E: I know, and I felt such tenderness from you the other night. It was very healing on a very deep level. I get tears in my eyes when I think about how beautiful you are.
    E: What do you think about my philosophy?
    R: What philosophy?
    E: About how unconditional love being a catalyst for change. What I wanted to show you on the poster for my college class. It was going to be the topic of my senior paper.
    R: Yeah, I think it’s the most powerful force that exists.
    E: Unconditional love takes people beyond the defenses of human nature. When walls are dropped, healing and change can take place, the safe, warm incubator of love, acceptance, mercy, and grace. 
    E: I told the enemy to put that in his pipe and smoke it!
    E: What do you think?
    R: I agree
    E: I feel sad that a lot of churches never get beyond condemnation and judgmentalism.
    E: I am very sorry for all the times in 2009 when I was into the shame and blame game. God has brought me much deep healing. Please forgive me. I love you profoundly.
    R: I don’t kno what to say. I am angry and saddened and confused about what happened.
    E: About what now? I don’t understand.
    R: About what happened.
    E: You mean two days ago or two years ago? I feel unsure about what you are referring to.
    R: Everything
    E: Can we please talk about it? Our friendship is worth it.
    R: What do you mean?
    E: Can we please meet tonight to discuss it?
    R: No, I can’t
    E: Can we please discuss it when you are able? I feel much more clear on everything now. I think both of us just need healing. This doesn’t need to remain an open wound.
    R: Yes, but I never did anything wrong!
    E: Okay, R. I believe you. Please let us discuss it in person, please? It’s just too personal for text. My battery is absolutely at the bottom. I will be home within a half hour.
    R: I can’t meet
    E: I understand. I said I am going home and my battery is dead.
    R: Ok
    E: I am home now. I meant can we please discuss it another time when you have time. I realize that I hurt you too in 2009 and beyond. I really want to make amends. I really don’t want this to fester any longer. You mean a lot to me.
    E: When you are ready, R. I don’t want you to go on and on feeling sad, angry, and confused. I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you.

    Sirens, what do you think/feel?

  162.  #162Turquoise on December 29, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    I drove about an hour tonight to meet my ex and pick up my girls. Last winter they started skiing, and tonight I picked them up at a ski resort. We ended up staying another 3 hours after I got there… had dinner, listened to live music, talked about funny stories and family issues that are going on. He hadn’t been opening up to me or sharing what problems he was having with his family, and I hadn’t pressured for more information. I just thought he’d open up when he was ready, or if he even wanted to. Tonight, he did. It was nice to be together and he gave me two big hugs when we said our goodbyes, both of which he initiated. He gives such good hugs, sigh…. It’s hard to imagine that we could ever rekindle our relationship and start over because we’ve been through a lot of rough times these past years. But the thing is, I don’t think about or focus on any of those negative times. Sure, things do cross my mind and I still feel twinges of pain, but mostly I feel happy that we are friends, wistful wondering if there could be more for us down the road, and content that whatever happens, it will at it’s on pace and I don’t/can’t rush anything.

    I have learned that things must be his idea. I could suggest something, he’d say no… then a day or two later he’d bring up the same thing I suggested originally, but now it’s something he wants.

    I practiced being open, leaning back, being authentic and honest. It went really well. I read earlier today that men want to feel good, so good when they are with you, that they don’t want to be without you. My ex and I have gotten along pretty well the past year. It’s so nice to not fight. I’ll see him again in two weeks when he comes for the girls. In the meantime, I have plenty to do, intend to start exercising regularly and it will be a busy weekend. I’m beat, heading to bed…. goodnight sirens!

  163.  #163Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    Hmm it depends on the kind of communal living. I feel like FW in a way, I’m a bit of a free spirit and it would feel perhaps confining to be in a communal setting with rules and politics. Who is in power?
    We all are living in community of some sort…I suppose it just depends how far you want to take it.
    I don’t know what a relationship would look like, but I feel that if there were rules and boundaries around what is expected of the group members, it would be comforting to know that we were on the same page. But you kinda get that with “religion” don’t you?

  164.  #164Laughing Goddess on December 29, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Hello sirens!

    I just got home from visiting my family.

    I feel happy about most of my trip and really sad about one part of it.

    I feel really uncomfortable about my interactions with my mom. I felt really dragged down by her negativity. She seemed to be really affected by going through menopause.

    Has anyone had any experience with this, either yourselves or a family member?

    Can menopause make a woman act differently? Like really negative and paranoid?

    Thanks ladies. I could really use some help on this.

  165.  #165Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Go Elle Emme!

  166.  #166elle_emm on December 29, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    🙂 !

  167.  #167Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    Esteemed 161
    I don’t want to hurt you by saying this.

    When I was reading this, I kept thinking,
    “Esteemed Please Stop!!!”

  168.  #168Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 10:19 pm

  169.  #169Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:20 pm


    RE: #164 – Sorry to hear that about your Mom. Here are some articles on menopause…

    midlife – passages dot com / menopaus dot htm

  170.  #170Laughing Goddess on December 29, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Thanks Esteemed, I’ll check those out.


  171.  #171Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:29 pm


    Re: #168 – I love it!!! Did you see the little diagram under the picture? If you click on it, a fantasy picture of a woman wearing the dress opens! It’s beautiful!

    A couple of days ago, R told me his favorite movie is Sleeping Beauty. I asked him his favorite part of the movie, and he said the part where they sing the song together, “I know you, I danced with you once upon a dream!”

    I sang that song and loved it ever since I was a little girl, ever since I can remember!

  172.  #172Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:32 pm


    RE: #167 – I’m trying to fix it, arent’ I?

    Oops. I have done my best to be positive, and it came out in this text that he obviously has some hurts of his own from 2009. I just felt so bad, because I think in his schizophrenia, he did not realize the way he was hurting me. And I snapped out in anger pretty bad.

    I feel really bad when I realize that I’ve hurt someone. Like one of my high school teachers said, “What are you – the house den mother??”

  173.  #173Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    Esteemed, from down here it looks like you’re well and truly forcing yourself on to him. He had to say he didn’t want to see you, four times. Four.

    Remember one of Rori’s rules: “Learn to take no for an answer”. So the first time he said he didn’t want to see you, that should’ve been the time to totally drop the subject of you meeting up.

    I kind of cringed as I read it because you were clearly making HIM responsible for your healing when it clearly is not his responsibility and should not have anything to do with him.

    “E: Dollbaby is helping Brenda be her best self. I am all for that, but I think that there are more pleasant ways to accomplish the same end.
    E: What do you think?
    (four hours later…)
    R: I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    And he obviously had no idea what you were talking about, then got upset with you when you didn’t explain.

    He is not helping you to be your best self. Only you can do that. Rori’s given you the tools, but it’s totally up to you to apply them. He has nothing to do with this – at all. And going by that interaction, I don’t think he wants anything to do with it – he’s a guy. Guys don’t want that type of responsibility dumped on them.

    I’m so sorry if this has come off as harsh Esteemed. You KNOW I love you and I totally get where you are coming from, but please understand that you are making things so much worse with him when you do this. I could clearly see him pulling back from you – and I wasn’t even there and all of the words were typed on a web page!

    Please re-read through that interaction, pretending you’re reading a post written by another siren and see if you can perceive things differently.

    Please, for your own sake, lean back! Don’t suggest you meet, don’t suggest anything. Re-read Rori’s rules and do what you can to stick to them. Otherwise you’ll stay on that awful rollercoaster ride that I was on for way too long.

    You deserve so much better Esteemed, and you’ll only get that when you start applying the tools.


  174.  #174Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:38 pm


    Thanks for your feedback. I was just testing my theory…

    Gulp, hard to swallow what you said. I shall try.

  175.  #175Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Sorry Esteemed. I hope I didn’t come across too harshly. I only feel such a need to say this to you because I can kind of see my old self in you and totally get where you are coming from, even if you’re not doing what’s best for you.

    This is a learning process, and I know this first hand. Without the help I received from everybody here, I’d still be pushing TH away – and I’d still be miserable and lonely!

    Listen to all of the advice given here, choose what you want to apply, and commit to applying the tools!

    You can do this and I promise you that it will totally change your life!! xxx

  176.  #176Esteemed on December 29, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    He just texted me that he was out for a while and forgot his phone.

    I don’t necessarily buy that, but I just wrote back, “I see.”

  177.  #177Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 10:54 pm


    What stood out most to me in the text you posted above, is you sounded to me like you were in masculine energy during the texting.

    On another note…
    I do totally get trying to figure something out and resolve it so we can cycle past it…I did it with my ex and tortured myself trying to figure out HIM and how he has addictions etc etc and didnt mean to hurt me blah blah ….

    We want to make some sense of it…but it’s so ooooo draining…!!!!!

    Anyway, I feel for you in your processing, and I have faith that things will get better, you will feel better….I love you tons….

    I have to say that on these posts, there seems to be a focus on HIM soo much!! Your focus should be on YOU, Esteemed.

    Beautiful amazing Esteemed…

  178.  #178Butterfly Wings on December 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Esteemed, what theory were you testing? That he is just acting like it’s just a friendship?

  179.  #179Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    I would not tell someone else, a siren or otherwise, what they should do…

    But for me personally…when I am in love with a guy and it’s not being projected back to me…I can’t continue having regular contact with him. It is too painful and disappointing. I tried it, and it put me in a really dark place.

  180.  #180Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    I looked at the arcosanti website…
    SOO interesting Rori! Wow. I really find it fascinating. I had no idea!
    I studied the behavioral sciences, so I feel fascinated by these types of projects.

  181.  #181Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    OMG they do weddings there!

  182.  #182Emerson on December 29, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    lol there is an upside down chair in this pic.
    Not a big deal just made me laugh, wouldn’t you pick it up if you were taking the picture!? haha

  183.  #183Daria on December 29, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    wow all those massages are kickin in!

    i felt sooo aware of how my turn on felt down to my toes, across that inner chakra line – 1st wow

    it felt SOO amazing and cool and i could like “see” it w my mind.

    mmm i solved the puzzle of whether to look at a man

    from an article fw poster about a man feeling free for the woman to finally pay attention to her, insted of him

    i can look at him – if i want to! – but no obligation ad no it doesnt mean its ok for him to neglect me cuz he thinks im “ignoring” him etc.


    and i can do me and go all out the window and lean back and be heavy.

    and be bratty and say

    No i dont want to move, when he pulls on my arm

    or push him off when it feels overwhelming

    or say No i dont want to give you a massage when he asks

    or pull my hand back when he puts my hand on him

    no its not closed

    as long as im opne open


    so amazing!

    he says wont you come closer

    i just look at him and giggle and DONT MOVE AT ALL LOL

    no i wont ewww… it feels icky

    i dont wanna move


    he said is it my turn i said

    NO its never your turn its always my turn!

    and then i leaned back


    i massage him a little but its when it feels good To ME to my hand

  184.  #184Daria on December 29, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    lool @ the upside down chair

    made me laugh too

    and feel good

    i feel endeared to that place awww it feels lovely and family and familiar with tis cute self, its how i feel about me and my belt off center in my 1st grade pic, so much heart dont fit in the straight lines ,, burst

  185.  #185Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:01 am

    im really gettin it, this opening up thing

    this man seemed so tryng to get sex and i talke dto him said when i felt uncomfortable then actually felt REASSURED WOW

    and then i had a massage all about me and TURNED ON ALL ABOUT ME

    and im getting babysteps to feeling amazingly worshipped during sex and throughout my dates and time with a man


    i felt all honored by the end

  186.  #186Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:04 am

    omg wow and this CD is Getright’s cousin! I could see it in his facial features..

  187.  #187Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Laughing Goddess – yeah i think so… its like puberty

    i feel really good and reassured about it reading Susun Weed and most of her herbalist online connects talk a LOT about menopause…

    i feel kinda uncomfortalbe cuz its a lil ‘beautiful’ about the moon and earth mother, i gave some articles to my mother though that i felt comfortable sharing and that felt moving to me

  188.  #188Emerson on December 30, 2011 at 12:08 am

    hi Daria and g’nite…zzzz

  189.  #189Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:08 am

    i LOVE masculine energy hands, the heaviness of them, mmm yum

    come back here and give me more massage!


    umm … umphgh… mm.fff

    him: whatsup

    me: mm it would feel good to have a massage… 🙂 hehe

  190.  #190Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:09 am

    emerson – hi and bye … hummingbirds and butterflyies &&&

  191.  #191Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:21 am

    Elle Emm – i love your panicky feelings… and your goddessy ones too… i felt like hugging you reading that post … mmmf

  192.  #192Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 12:48 am

    I’ve just completed workout #3 of this weight loss program TH has given me and OMG it was hard! But now I feel GOOD! 🙂 And the guy on the DVD is hot (gay, but hot!), so at least I’ve got something nice to look at while I work out! 😉

    Looks like TH might be going out for NYE now… 🙁

    He has a friend who’s back in town that he hardly gets to see, so is thinking about meeting him and his gf. I know I’d be invited if my daughter wasn’t home tomorrow night.

    I was kind of pouting before when he said he was thinking of going and he knew I wasn’t thrilled. I responded saying that I felt sad cos I would miss him but totally understand that this is a friend he doesn’t get to see very often and that if I could I would have joined him anyway.

    Oh well. I shall focus on the quality time my daughter and I will have together tomorrow instead. I’m thinking of cooking up some yummy finger food and we can watch a movie or something together. It’ll be nice to have her home. 🙂

    TH will come back here afterwards at least.

  193.  #193Daria on December 30, 2011 at 1:01 am

    omgosh this Chakra tapping has me enjoying being turned on more and having orgamss

    and i feel like im more flexible soft and big like the sea in my hips

  194.  #194Daria on December 30, 2011 at 1:05 am

    I feel so happy right now…

    and Sexy CD is texting me asking wht im doing tomorro and saying he wants to sex me so bad for New Years

    sigh 🙂

    i feel so good and SAFE NOW!

    cuz i was with CD and i felt like pressured for sex and i just stopped assuming that he wants sex

    and found that of course i can have WHATEVER I WANT

    be happening

    its all in my interactions

    i can relax and feel comfy in his room doing nothing and assume its perfectly ok and he respects me and LIkes me being there and Wants me to be happy


    and now its spilling over into feeling safe with SexyCD while he’s talking about sex, i feel no pressure, i know its ok for me to say No whenever and i will still be treasured honored safe loved and wanted

  195.  #195Daria on December 30, 2011 at 1:08 am

    i am acknowledging that i feel tight in my head

    i love me

  196.  #196Daria on December 30, 2011 at 1:17 am

    i got triggered – but didnt really! – all typse of ways

    he was like i hope youre not the kinda pereson who gets quiet like it sucks up all the energy

    im like, hmm… mmm…

    i feel worried…

    i Am the kinda person who gets quiet…

    and it was OK!

    i just relaxed my body!

    it was all about relaxing MY body, and staying leaned back

    while he kept trying to get me to come toward him and make decisions

    and im like no

    i dont want to decide

    and then he withdraws and hten i go…

    out the window making myself feel good
    even tho i feel bad… with him withdrawring

    so let him know some that i feel kinda bad like i feel pressure

    i dont wanna rush


    go meee

    i feel my first chakra only on down the inside of my thighs and toes, to my big toe (not outside where the pinky toes re… hmm)

  197.  #197Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 1:24 am

    BW – Sean T is gay! I would never have guessed. He is so masculine.

    On another note I would encourage you to switch to a good feeling thought when TH tells you he is going out NYE. The thought will change your vibe. I have learned to say enjoy yourself and plan something really fun with your daughter that you can really look forward to. That way he can’t help himself but be jealous and want to run home to you.

  198.  #198Daria on December 30, 2011 at 1:49 am

    wow sexy CD is saying he keeps looking at old pictures of my butt on Myspace and thinking he’s got to have it lol

  199.  #199Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:47 am

    What is wrong with me? Why do I still not get it? I feel horrible!! I woke up with my heart feeling all curled up like I did something irreversible…when all I was trying to do was make it better. How can I ever learn if I still haven’t learned after all this time?

  200.  #200Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:50 am

    “Unwritten” –

    I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
    I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

    Staring at the blank page before you
    Open up the dirty window
    Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

    Reaching for something in the distance
    So close you can almost taste it
    Release your inhibitions
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips
    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    The rest is still unwritten

    Oh, oh, oh

    I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
    We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

    Staring at the blank page before you
    Open up the dirty window
    Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

    Reaching for something in the distance
    So close you can almost taste it
    Release your inhibitions
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips
    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins

    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips
    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    The rest is still unwritten

    Staring at the blank page before you
    Open up the dirty window
    Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

    Reaching for something in the distance
    So close you can almost taste it
    Release your inhibitions
    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips
    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins

    Feel the rain on your skin
    No one else can feel it for you
    Only you can let it in
    No one else, no one else
    Can speak the words on your lips
    Drench yourself in words unspoken
    Live your life with arms wide open
    Today is where your book begins
    The rest is still unwritten
    The rest is still unwritten
    The rest is still unwritten

    Oh, yeah, yeah

  201.  #201Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:57 am

    Here is the remainder of our texts last night.

    E: Good night, precious, wounded man. How I want to take away all your pain.
    E: Ryan, I mean well, but I only seem to say the wrong thing. I hope you see that I am TRYING to keep things positive. I guess the problem is I am trying too hard. I feel sad going to bed like this. I just think misunderstandings happen so easily by telephone. So much is lost in translation. The vast majority of communication is body language. I feel like crying now. I don’t want you to be shut down. I’m sorry.
    R: I was just out for awhile and I forgot my phone.
    E: I see
    E: I feel awful. I don’t want to feel that way with you. Will you forgive me please?
    R: Yeah, I forgive you.
    R: I don’t kno. I don’t like what has been happening in this friendship for awhile.
    E: Thank you. We have been getting along really great lately.
    (after 6 minutes…)
    E: Sigh.
    E: I was feeling welcome to speak freely and uninhibited. Maybe I spoke too freely?
    R: You can’t really speak too freely. I just don’t like the drama.
    E: I have done my utmost to speak positively to you.

    I feel so yucky and I feel like I will never get it. I thought I was doing relatively good until I got your feedback. And even with your feedback, I can marginally “get it”, yet I still feel confused as to what I’m doing wrong. I guess I’m overfunctioning. I just don’t stop because I feel so horrible inside I just don’t want to go to bed feeling horrible.

    But I did and now I woke up feeling horrible.

    And if I contact him again it will just end bad. If someone talked to me the way I talked to me I would feel like wow, they really care and are really trying and I would meet them halfway.

    I feel like a failure. I feel like I can’t learn. I’m not getting something. I don’t have any of these issues with K. He loves me deeply. He would remarry me in a heartbeat. I don’t get it!

    And you have all tried to help me and I still don’t get it so I just don’t get it.

  202.  #202Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:03 am

    I want it so bad that I am getting in my own way.

    And in R’s way and in God’s way.


    I feel disgusted and angry with myself.

  203.  #203Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 3:05 am

    197 FW – Yup he’s gay alright! TH guessed that he was and I was saying “NOOOOO!!!! Don’t ruin my fantasy!” lol

    But yeah I googled it and he is, dammit! 😀

    And you have suggested exactly what I plan to do. I’m focusing on having a great night with my daughter who I’ve not been able to spend time with in a month. So it will be a great night and a good opportunity for mother/daughter bonding! 🙂

  204.  #204Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:05 am


    Thanks for posting that song. Very appropriate.

    When my heart feels wrung like a rag that keeps getting twisted harder and harder
    How can I sit by and not do anything
    To make the tearing, stretching, aching

    All I can do is sit here and feel the anguish?

  205.  #205Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:09 am

    Believe me BW if your vibe raises during your time with your daughter he will feel it wherever he is and want to come running.

  206.  #206Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:09 am

    My pattern:

    I overfunction
    I fu(ck it up

    I lean back
    He looks me up
    We have positive conversation
    We both feel comfortable
    We start seeing each other
    I feel so comfortable that I open up

    I overfunction
    I fu(ck it up

    So how can I avoid feeling too comfortable in the future?

  207.  #207Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 3:13 am

    199 Esteemed – There is NOTHING wrong with you. You just have some healing to do, that’s all.

    And the biggest thing that stands out to me in #201 is that you don’t seem to believe that YOU are the prize where he is concerned. With K, you probably do feel like you’re the prize so that’s why you don’t have these same issues.

    Please don’t contact R – let him contact you if he chooses to.

    My best advice to you right now Esteemed, is to dig out the ebook and if you can find it, PLEASE listen to Reconnect as soon as you can – this will help you to see exactly where you’ve been going off track so you can get back ON track.

    All is not lost – you’ve just got to change how you’re doing things from now! And most of all, you’ve gotta start loving yourself girl! We can all see how beautiful you are and how big a heart you have and how much you have to give, and it’s about time you believed it. xxxx

  208.  #208Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:14 am

    Emotionally speaking, I feel like I have just been told by a doctor that I have a terminal disease. I stare back in disbelief. I ask him, “Well, can’t you just remove it?

    He says, “No, it’s incurable. You are a complete and total disaster in the relationship department. You are going to have to live with this for the rest of your life.”

    “You mean, I will never have the relationship I want because I’m just too damaged and too inexperienced?”

    “That’s basically what I’m saying, yes. Haven’t the last 2.5 years proven that out?”

    I walk out of the Rori Raye doctor office feeling hopeless. I even changed my underwear drawer but I can’t seem to change my Ryan drawer.

  209.  #209Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 3:14 am

    206 Esteemed – CDing (gf’s, yourself and if you can bring yourself to do it, other men), and focusing on your passion. Become so focused on your passion that if he (or any man) wants to see you, it’ll feel kind of like an inconvenience! xxx

  210.  #210Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 3:16 am

    Uh oh… I think I may have accidentally promised TH a blowjob every day for the rest of his life – and he’s holding me to it! lol

    That’ll teach me!!! 😀

    Hmm… I wonder what I can inspire him to give me in return…? 😉

  211.  #211Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:23 am


    RE: #207 – So with hope in her hands, she visits specialists in Colorado, Texas, California…she travels the country looking for a cure for her strange disease. She looks so normal. She feels pretty normal, except for this huge abscess of loneliness. One specialist shakes her head, saying, “No, you won’t do, say, and think exactly what I tell you, so I am kicking you out. Leave my office now.”

    Another one gives me a hug, saying, “Sorry, dunno what else to tell you. I’ve given you the best of my expertise.” A third gets fed up that my issues just continue, and she walks away in hopelessness.

    So she travels all the way across the world, down under, where another specialist still holds out hope that she is going to be cured over time.

    So feeling pretty embarrassed right now, and feeling grateful for all the Sirens and their patience …or not… with me, understandably. And Butterfly Wings, ok, I will listen to reconnect asap. I feel overwhelmed. I feel myself crawling with shame, sadness, loneliness, pain.

    I love him with every cell of my being. I keep thinking I have arrived at loving myself, only to be told I need to love myself.

    Something is not clicking inside.

    We had a wonderful date on Christmas Eve.

    If I had just stayed leaned back, I might have had a second or third date with him by now. I might have been kissing him by now.

    But instead I am sitting here unable to sleep and just feeling like a piece of sh*t.

    I love my bad feelings. Not.

  212.  #212Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:26 am


    RE: #209 – Ugh. I’ve been cding myself for years, and I go with girlfriends. I am not in a good space for dating right now. I just have had one bad experience after another with men. I’ve dated about 6 since June. I feel turned off by every one on the first date, if I get to a first date.

  213.  #213Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 3:30 am

    149 TGirl

    I struggle too with parenting and dating simultaneously. My youngest has been diagnosed with a mood disorder and takes meds for it which his father denies and doesn’t give him the medicine so he goes through the withdrawal periods mostly with me. Anyway, I have had to go through extreme discipline with him in front of LP and when that happens LP always seems to back away for a couple of days. It’s rough and it makes me feel horrible.

  214.  #214Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 3:33 am

    With R, this huge hurt from 2009 remains unhealed between us. I can say I believe him, but I really don’t. It was a total pattern of pain, leading me on and letting me down, ending with a fake proposal.

    So last night it comes up again, and he actually states he feels sad, angry, and confused. I feel excited, like wow, we are on the verge of healing this.

    Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had a fabulous evening last night out with my friend. We went swimming, and then we went to her house to draw together. I drew R, and it turned out excellent. It was so healing to draw him, and I had forgotten how therapeutic art was.

    I have been meaning to get back into art for years now. I’ve been wanting to draw R since 2009. I finally got the guts to do it, facing my fear of failure of drawing something stupid.

    It came out half decent, and while I was drawing him was when I started texting him, feeling such a deep love for him.

    I just feel so frustrated that I messed up again, when all I am trying to do is love him and…

    have the relationship I want.

  215.  #215Ella on December 30, 2011 at 3:38 am

    Living in a commumual sanctuary could feel good.

    I kinda like the idea of getting and giving love and support from more than 1 person… and the idea of teamwork or co-operating.

    I like that.

    On the other hand for me with my trained beliefs I imagine it could feel complicated and I may experience feelings of jealousy?

    I don’t really know.

    It feels interesting.

  216.  #216Daria on December 30, 2011 at 4:09 am

    wow with my newfound bratty skills i told a cd no i will nto pay for a cab, or pay for half

    and now he’s paying for my cab to get there and cuddle till tomorrow yay

  217.  #217crystal eyes on December 30, 2011 at 4:31 am

    Esteemed .

    I heard and felt your love for him…

    I also CLEARLY heard and felt his “No” .

    I heard/read you begging several times to see him that night and him saying no several times.

    I felt his friendship ONLY. I could feel you leaning fore=ward and him pulling way back.

    It seemed like you were clutching at him and trying to get him to see you and clothing it all in lots of words and truthfully it felt uncomfortable to read…like a movie when you wish the heroine would STOP . Cant she see the train is about to derail? It feels scary and worrying to read.

    With Respect

    I also read a highly intelligent mind at work and admire your talents with thinking and words .

    I also

  218.  #218crystal eyes on December 30, 2011 at 4:46 am

    ooops…217 continued

    I also know you can choose to let it go when you wish.

    I get a feeling that R is trying to be a friend to you , a good friend but seems to be confused about how the friendship is turning out..

    And it seems to be that maybe that is because what you want from him is NOT friendship. You want love and romance and kissing and a full man woman relationship.

    Please be honest with him about that. If you cannot , then ask yourself why not?

  219.  #219lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 5:05 am


    T-Girl~ I am not one to ask about parenting and significant others. I have always left #1 Guy out of my relationships, mostly because I am just really cautious about bringing him in. It’s one thing for me to get my heart broken but totally another if they leave and #1 Guy really dug him, you know?

    I have however, been around their kids and found their impatience with their children frustrating. One in particular from years ago, would get whiney with them and it really frustrated me. I dated him for about ten monthes and then I pulled the pin. Mostly because it didn’t feel good and he was just whiney over all. I should have paid attention to the whiney way he treated his girls early on… lol

    I hope you are feeling better. Thinking about you..


  220.  #220Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Esteemed, I’m not sure if this will make you feel any better, but it took me 21 years to finally work out what I was doing wrong all this time! 21 years!!!

    For most of that time I was totally in masculine energy. I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back it’s clear as day. I just wish I had siren island all those years ago where other sirens could point out what I clearly wasn’t seeing.

    Even as recently as a couple of months ago, do you remember I was in another pit? I was (again) doing the wrong thing with TH and he was feeling pressured (again) and he was pulling back (again!) – after a year and a half I was still getting it wrong!

    But there was obviously some internal work I needed to do first before I was able to finally apply everything I knew. And I definitely needed the constant reminders from my beautiful fellow sirens too! That’s why I strongly suggested you dig out Reconnect.

    There are some absolute gems in there and I know that I will hear a different message the second, third and even fourth times I listen to it. That’s because I only hear the lesson I am ready for.

    So this time when you listen, I guarantee you will pick up something you forgot was in there, and it will be something quite valuable too.

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re just a girl who still has some healing to do and some lessons to learn – just like the rest of us!


  221.  #221lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 5:19 am



    There is such strength and power in simply letting go. It doesn’t have to be forever, truly you can choose to just let go of R and breath, literally, for just one day at a time.

    But, for your health, both emotionally and physically, this cycle has to stop…

    Just breath and let go. One day at a time..

  222.  #222Butterfly Wings on December 30, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Oh and speaking of lessons, I’m still not perfect and I do have my odd moment with TH when I’m feeling a little bit icky, and I’m not sure I handle things perfectly.

    But we can’t all be perfect all of the time right?

    I could spend my time beating myself up for almost 20 years of failed marriages, but what’s the point? What’s done is done, I have learned a lot, so the best I can do is to commit to not make the same mistake again and whenever possible, applying what I’ve learned.

    With TH that’s been a challenge, and it took me over 1.5 years to finally get it at least nearly right! And now things are amazing in comparison – and it literally changed overnight, a few weeks ago.

    I remember Rori saying in a couple of programs that it’s possible to experience overnight results, and to be honest I was skeptical. I’m not anymore.

    So if R IS in fact capable or even wanting a relationship with you Esteemed, you’ve gotta give him the chance to step up. While you’re leaning forward and in masculine energy, you’re taking away that opportunity.

    But what you have to be prepared for is that he may not want a relationship with you. He’s already said that in the past, so to expect anything more than friendship at this stage is probably going to bring you more pain.

    Once you become ok with the idea of NOT having a relationship with R, I KNOW your life is going to change.

    Sorry… rambling again!

  223.  #223crystal eyes on December 30, 2011 at 5:29 am

    Men are so interesting to observe through Siren Eyes .

    Singing CD – text slacker guy ..sent me a text ” What are you up to on the weekend?” Huhh? I am living my life! Going on two dates with someone who CAN be bothered to plan a date , call me often and invite me well in advance.

    I said ” going to a gallery and lunch, how about you? Turns out he was going out of town to visit family anyway. I am beginning to feel antipathy towards text slackers..

    Texting me is an ENHANCEMENT of our communication in person and by phone. Texting is not a “soft approach” or an arms length , ego protection device..

    Cute CD sent me a pic of 4 pairs of boots lined up and texted ” I am having a wardrobe crisis, which pair?’ (for first date lunch tomorrow)

    I replied ” OMG , its a booty call after all!” ..He called me immediately to laugh at my joke and firm up arrangements and flirt..THATS the difference.Now I do get it . The texting is just a side line communication..

    The men like singing CD who use it as their preferred and only form of chat are keeping me at arms length….. Now That feels GREAT to fully get that.

    Another CD ..Croc man ..chatted on phone only..funny we were discussing who does the chasing..He said ” I dont chase women , just wait for them to come by” I replied..”It feels better to me to follow biology. i feel much more feminine when the man contacts me and arranges things”. next thing he is emailing me more numbers and addresses and I am just leaning back . he will no doubt call me soon.

    I am glad i got that straight !!!!!

  224.  #224April Rose on December 30, 2011 at 5:35 am


    ” If someone talked to me the way I talked to me I would feel like wow, they really care and are really trying and I would meet them halfway.”

    If someone talked to me like that I would think they were desperate and feel turned off.

  225.  #225April Rose on December 30, 2011 at 5:39 am

    I love my brat self. She doesn’t offer things or lean forward.
    She has strong desires and wants them fulfilled, NOW!

    It’s so much fun seeing this.

  226.  #226Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 5:41 am

    From previous post – @FW # 781

    I agree that the choice is mine to answer or not answer and I feel it would be a good thing for me to do at this moment – I feel that doing this can come across as game playing and do not want to do that or send such a message. I am feeling really confused about walking away from this relationship and it makes me feel sick thinkign about him wanting to walking away as if the relationship doesn’t mean anything to him – it really means a lot to me and I know we are capable of having the amazing relationship we both want. The last time we spoke I told him tha I did not want to take this nonsense into the new year and I feel that the only thing we need to talk about is if we are going to be together or not because all this arguing is not helping and it has to stop.

    I like your post # 756 and will cding into practice mostly cding myself. I have to shift my focus from him and the trying to cultivate the relationship. I do understand that he has to make the decision to trust me again and want to move forward.

  227.  #227Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Just finished reviewing part of Reconnect

    1. Rori tells one woman whose husband is struggling with finding a job and finances that it is brilliant to flip flop from masc to feminine energy. The only problem is that when he is in masc she might not be allowing him to be in charge. She is encouraged to really step back when the man is in a funk. Instead of focussing on making the man happy to make herself happy.

    2. Some women feel needy at night because of the fear of being alone.

    3. Some feelings messages – this feels so good being with you. I feel so good being here with you but I don’t want to be a girlfriend much longer. I want to walk off into the sunset to my happy ever after. Do you see anything for us in the future? I was kind of wondering what you thought? It would feel great to be with you all the time. It would feel great to know if we have a future together. What do you think? What do you see?

  228.  #228Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Mochaberri have you found your Reconnect discs yet. It could help you to focus on yourself, to love yourself first, to believe that love is coming towards you and allow you to give him the space to step up and into the creating the relationship you both want.

  229.  #229Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 6:03 am

    April Rose it is so much fun seeing guys choosing to trip over themselves to fulfil those desires. That’s one of the reasons I love leaning back.

  230.  #230Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 6:06 am


    #3 really speaks to me right now. I need to tuck that away into my memory and use it in a few months. 🙂

  231.  #231Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 6:07 am

    crystal eyes I don’t particularly like the word chasing so I tend to avoid using it with men. I have a visual of a picture Rori uses on some of her articles when talking about the woman leaning forward. It is a picture of a woman chasing after the man and he seems to running away. As such I tend to feel concerned about the men thinking I am running away from them when they come towards me. So I avoid using the word chase. Why would they want to chase me if I am running away from them? is what I ask myself.

  232.  #232Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Yeah IP, it seems to be asking the same questions we tend to ask in the wrong way, fear asking, process in the back of our heads – just that it is phrased in a different way. What do you see for us? was a big eye opener for me this morning though I have listened to this before, but it seems it never sank in.

  233.  #233elle_emme on December 30, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Every time I think about a guy who isn’t in front of me my internal goddess power supply (like the little battery symbol on my blackberry or laptop) gets a little weaker.

  234.  #234Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 6:26 am

    233 Elle Emme,

    I know exactly what you mean!

  235.  #235Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 6:27 am

    By the way she also says let him have the last word when text messaging, when he puts his hand on yours don’t cover it with your other hand. Sit on your other hand if you have to. Subtle ways to allow him to lead that really missed my consciousness in the past. Just recently a man touched my hand and it felt so masculine I instinctively put mine on top of his and felt like melting because of my own softness though he kind of pulled his hand away. Or I am not sure maybe it was because I really wanted to soak in the masculinity through all of my cells.

    Just realized that my thought after writing that was that the relationship dance is not easy because there is so much to learn. I choose to release that thought/belief and feel open to accepting in all my cells that relationship is easy. This man obviously keeps in contact all the time and he is so good that once I thanked him for teaching me about how relationships work. He is so sensitive to my feelings, always trying to do things that make me happy and always calling. We laugh together easily and talk just about everything.

  236.  #236lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 6:37 am

    My heart is busting at it’s seams..

    T happened to “be in my neighborhood” last night and asked if he could stop by but didn’t want to impose. (Me= please impose!)

    We have plans to spend NYE with one another at each of our parents places..mine is our Christmas gathering and his is dinner at his parents…

    He tells me he’s nervous about meeting my Dad and because it’s our Christmas deal, he’s even more nervous. I give him an out and tell him that if he would be more comfortable to wait until another time, I understand and that I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.

    He looked me square in the eyes and said….”Does it mean something to you to have me there, Lilybelly?” I tell him absolutely it does… * gulp* He says… “Then I’m going.” Heart melts even more and I feel it open up even more…and with each moment like this, I feel the walls crumbling down. Healing myself and him even more than I thought was possible.

    I am amazed…more and more each day…

  237.  #237lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 6:46 am


    FW!! YAY!!!!!!! Am I understanding that there is a fabulous man you are consistantly CDing/Dating?

    Let me know if I got that wrong but that’s how I read it.

    I typically do let T have the last text although I know sometimes, I don’t. I need to work on that…

    And, I didn’t know that about the placing my hand on top of his and not to do that. Every time he touches my hand, I instinctively place mine on top too. I will have to work on that too. It is so interesting, especially when you have a man in your life who is totally leading like T does…

    I feel myself wanting to “give back” in ways that can be measured which would actually equate to overfunctioning and it is difficult at best, to NOT do it. I have literally sat on both hands on several occasions to prevent myself from not getting up to do things. Sometimes, I think he may think I am lazy if I don’t help with things. I say, I’m hungry..he gets up to get me a snack and then cleans up. I say I would like a glass of wine, he gets up and gets it. And these are such silly examples but I stay still and it’s hard.

  238.  #238Starla on December 30, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Esteemed, you said “I just don’t stop because I feel so horrible inside I just don’t want to go to bed feeling horrible. ”

    omg, this is single handedly the biggest cause of all my man problems.

    you just HAVE to stop. it feels awful and awkward, i know! i hate it! i still feel awkward from *just stopping* with CF last night. I woke up wanting to “fix” things and explain myself and just keep going until i feel right.

    the ‘right’ feeling never comes.

    the only thing we can do is just.stop.just.stop.just.stop.

    i tried to stop last night when i started feeling that way with CF, like i had shamed myself and wanted to explain it to him and wanted his reassurance very badly. i got off the phone. but then i called back. i only let it ring twice. “just stop,” i said to myself. click. 10 minutes later he called me back…we talked for a long time and i felt stupid and embarrassed. i should have “just stopped.”

    i don’t think men are too worried about how we act and feel…i think they’re more worried about how it makes THEM feel, lol, and when we can’t put the brakes on a dysfunctional cycle of self-shame, it makes THEM feel drained and like we’re blaming them.

    better to just.stop.

    i’m still “just stopping” this morning, even though i want to text and call and tell CF that he’s wonderful and i’m sorry if i made him feel bad and all that stuff

    but that is DRAMA.

    i can tell him later when i see him, that i feel bad for how the conversation went and if he felt like he was failing me, because he’s not failing me. and then we will hug and it will be over with.

    nothing through text or phone ever feels truly resolved, for me.

    so i “just. stop.”

  239.  #239T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Ice Princess, after lp has been gone for a couple of days after disciplining your children how is he when he comes back? I talked to J briefly on the phone yesterday. But he still seemed different.

  240.  #240T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 7:07 am

    That is very interesting about not putting your hand on top of his when he holds your hand. I always do that. Good to know.

  241.  #241Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Lilybelle there are actually 3. One has already started talking about marriage but I want to be more comfortable in my own skin and safer with myself. I am closer to that now than I have ever been but I have to heal the inner critic that believes I have to be perfect. Still a work in progress…..

  242.  #242Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 7:14 am

    239, TGirl,

    He always comes back like nothing ever happened. Funny thing is that is how my family is too…we never talk about problems or feelings, we just move on and pretend they never happened. Guess that is why there is a lot of hurt inside of me. When I was 19 at college, I was raped after my mom blamed me, she went on the next day like nothing was wrong and I should be okay. Wow, not sure what the two of those things have to do with each other, but I feel good letting that out too. Guess this is the week of sharing feelings and painful things for me!

  243.  #243lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 7:18 am


    I feel really happy to hear about these three, FW. Thank you for sharing that with me. And marriage, wow!

    The inner critic is a tough one. The thing that helps me the most is knowing that I am doing/have done the very best that I know how and being aware surely helps.

  244.  #244Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Lilybelle they are not silly examples they are teaching others what ways we can allow men to lead in. It reminds of a friend who was obviously flirting with a guy in front of me. The poor man was besotted. She told him she wanted a drink which he brought without a glass or straw. She said no straw? I felt bad for him as he clumsily got up and went for the straw. He obviously was not put off by her RockStar Diva vibe though I thought she was being a bitch and told her so. She said “he is a man let him work”. This was years ago. She is one of the examples of a high self esteem woman who has been in my life for years that I have criticized and judged but have to admit she has had guys falling all over for her and calling for her as long as I have known her.

  245.  #245Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Comment in moderation, like me try to repost
    Lilybelle they are not silly examples they are teaching others what ways we can allow men to lead in. It reminds of a friend who was obviously flirting with a guy in front of me. The poor man was besotted. She told him she wanted a drink which he brought without a glass or straw. She said no straw? I felt bad for him as he clumsily got up and went for the straw. He obviously was not put off by her RockStar Diva vibe

  246.  #246Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Comment in moderation, like me try to repost
    Lilybelle they are not silly examples they are teaching others what ways we can allow men to lead in. It reminds of a friend who was obviously flirting with a guy in front of me. The poor man was besotted. She told him she wanted a drink which he brought without a glass or straw. She said no straw? I felt bad for him as he clumsily got up and went for the straw. He obviously was not put off by her RockStar Diva vibe

  247.  #247Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:21 am

    though I thought she was being a b”iatc*h and told her so. She said “he is a man let him work”. This was years ago. She is one of the examples of a high self esteem woman who has been in my life for years that I have criticized and judged but have to admit she has had guys falling all over for her and calling for her as long as I have known her.

  248.  #248Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:23 am

    Yes IP you just never know. It could be unreleased emotions from that experience that could be causing your illness, you just never know.

  249.  #249elle_emme on December 30, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Watching love scripts…rori says that words like ‘hurt’ aren’t a good idea for FMs…what about ‘annoyed’? That kind of feels harsh or blamey sometimes, but sometimes I do feel this way. Anyone else feel annoyed and know how to express it?

  250.  #250Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:34 am

    RE 236 Lilybelle – seems you have found a keeper. I can only imagine how M most be jealous of you (sorry).

    About the hand thing it was an eye opener for me but looking at my recent experience, though he was consciously trying to be tender when he withdrew his hand, it stuck in head. Obviously I had a feeling that I had not acknowledged. Now that I look at it, it feels like just the natural flow of mas/fem energy so I feel peace around it.

  251.  #251T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 7:39 am

    Lilybelly, it sounds like you have a relationship, ready man. Yay! so when do you bring your child into the picture?

  252.  #252Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Crystal Eyes,

    RE: #217-218 – What you say is accurate. I did not post my full, long text with him the other night, in which I clearly told him I want more than friendship. Since I’ve already made a complete fool of myself on the blog, I will post it now. This is from Tuesday the 27th, but I’ll start with the tailend of Dec 26th so it makes sense:

    December 26, 2011

    R: Were you done talking?
    E: No.
    R: Hahahahaha. Then why did u stop?
    E: Because I like it with two-way conversations.
    After some personal back-and-forth, he wrote:
    R: I think I am getting close to healing. I think this is going to be the year.
    E: Beautiful! Maybe tomorrow!
    R: Any time now. Any moment!
    E: Yes! I think I am getting close to total weight loss. I think this is going to be the year.
    R: I don’t think u should worry so much about weight loss. You’re beautiful the way you are.
    E: Thank you.
    R: YW

    December 27, 2011

    B: I wasn’t finished talking, LOL!

    R: Hahahaha. I’m about to drive.

    B: Uh, okay.

    R: Sorry, I was just leaving the Bible study.

    B: Cool. How are you doing?

    R: Good. U?

    B: I feel happy. I got some more of my unemployment money, and earlier I treated myself to a movie, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” It wasn’t all roses, but I really liked it.

    R: I’m at that bar again.

    B: I feel jealous

    R: Haha

    B: It would feel good to be invited.

    R: Well, I’m not going to be here long.

    B: I guess I’m being too forward…again. Sorry.

    R: No, it’s alright. I just won’t be here long.

    B: Ok, I like that place.

    R: 

    B: Do you think you could help me manage my money? Or maybe just hold money so that I don’t spend it sometimes?

    R: I’m not good with money myself.

    B: Ok. I want to pick your brain.

    B: I like U2.

    R: ?

    B: I just have so many questions that I want to ask you. And I hold back because I don’t want to be invasive, and I don’t want to offend you somehow. And I am listening to a good song by U2.

    R: Oh ok

    R: I’m telling you, I’m not as smart as you think.

    B: I like you.

    R:  Thanks.

    B: Is there anything I can do to help you get to know people at church more easily, since you said it is hard to meet people?

    R: Well, I think I’m doing ok.

    B: Yay! Ummm you know I like to do things for you. 

    R: Thanks

    B: I feel at a loss to get a conversation going with you. So I guess I will give up. I feel a little silly right now.

    R: Sometimes we have good conversations. I’m eating right now.

    B: Ok

    R: What do you want to talk about?

    B: Your thought processes. 

    R: What about them?

    B: I’m not sure how to say it. I want to know you. I want to understand you. I don’t know how to approach you to get to know you better. I am not good at that like you are. Can you teach me what you like? Do you like it when I ask you questions? What kind of questions feel safe to you? I don’t want you to feel threatened when I ask you questions. I simply want to know you, and I feel fascinated by your thoughts and feelings.

    R: Just say whatever, ask whatever.

    R: I’m about to head home. Can we finish this conversation then?

    B: Sometimes I feel deflected. Ok.

    R: Ok, I’m home.

    B: Ok. If you knew you had only two weeks to live and that was imminent, what are the regrets you would have?

    R: That I hadn’t made really deep love before I died and really felt a woman’s soul.

    R: How bout you?

    B: Wow! How would you spend those two weeks?

    R: LOL…Looking hard!!!

    B: That I hadn’t made really deep love with my Soul Mate.

    B: Which is your favorite comic book character?

    R: I don’t have much xperience with comics. Maybe Spiderman, he seemed cool. U?

    B: Charlie Brown. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

    R: I’d be unbelievable at giving oral sex. LOL.

    B: Big smile! What movie could you watch again and again?

    R: This may sound a little gay. But I really like Sleeping Beauty.

    B: Not gay at all…I know you are a true romantic. What do you like about the movie?

    R: I think my favorite is when Rose and Phillip are singing together when they first met in the woods.

    R: ‘Once upon a Dream.’

    B: Nice! I love that song! What is the bravest thing you ever did?

    R: I really can’t remember. I guess I really haven’t been called to be brave that much. Sorry.

    B: I think you are brave and strong the way you have faced the demons. What is your favorite memory of us in the first 3 months that we knew each other?

    R: Christmas Eve when we talked for 6 hours. U?

    B: Cool! The day we spent at Atlantic City. When we talked for 12 hours!  …and cuddled and touched and embraced at the end of the night.

    R: Any more questions?

    B: If I question you about a cover up, what would you explain?

    R: What cover up?

    B: Scratch that. If a genie offered to make three of your wishes come true, what would those wishes be?
    R: 1. That I would be healed of schizophrenia; 2. That I’d be with my True Love; 3. That the world would become a Paradise.
    B: Sounds good! What would a woman have to do, or who would a woman have to be, to be your true love?
    R: I imagine it’s just one of those things you see after you have met someone, altho I think many time’s we’re wrong.
    B: Or blind
    B: I wonder if you are deflecting my question?
    R: If you want me to be more specific, I would say she will probably seem like a fairy tale princess to me or a goddess.
    B: Thank you.
    R: ?
    B: I am feeling like I am walking through deep water here. I am feeling like this is a conversation that should be held in person.
    R: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m lost.
    B: Ok
    B: I want to pick up the phone and tell you I want to be your woman, and I know I can’t do that.

    R: Well, you can, but I don’t feel the same way.

    B: I’m trying to master my feelings and be a reliable friend to you. I want to grow beyond feelings.

    R: What do you mean grow beyond feelings?

    B: I want to be primarily a spiritual being, not only an emotional being. I want to be a friend to you, not be immature.

    R: Thanks

    B: Sure

    (20 min later)

    R: How are you doing?

    B: My need for cuddling is great.

    B: I don’t know what to do with it.

    R: I would say, pray hard and look hard.

    B: I did…

    B: …for a lot of years.

    R: I think you have to keep trying. You never know when it’s going to happen.

    B: Damn, I feel mad at myself. I promised myself I wouldn’t get in conversations with you like this over the phone.

    R: I think it’s natural that any conversation we get in could go to a place like this.

    B: Thanks for understanding. I feel weary of being always alone in life.

    R: That’s very understandable.

    B: Thanks, it felt nice talking. I feel tired, and I’m going to go take care of myself. God night!

    R: Good night

    (10 min later)

    B: I feel frustrated that you get to hide behind your phone while I fumble around with my limited emotional intelligence skills.

    R: I’m not hiding

    R: I’ have no reason to

    R: We talked the same way when we were together

    B: I’m in love with you. And I’m mad at myself telling you that over text message.

    R: I understand

    B: I wonder why you don’t feel the same?

    B: Hello?

    R: Yeah

    B: I wonder why you don’t feel the same?

    B: R u hiding behind your phone?

    R: No!

    B: I wonder why you don’t feel the same?

    R: I guess there are lots of reasons. That feeling is just not there.

    B: Will you please tell me so I know what to work on? I want to be my best self.

    R: You’re not the person I want that I want to be with. I don’t have that feeling for you.

    B: What should I work on for the next man?

    R: It’s not really something you have to work on. The right man will find you perfect.

    B: That’s a sweet thing to say.

    B: Can I die now?

    B: I feel embarrassed for the number of times I pushed too hard. I have felt frustrated with the pace.

    R: What pace?

    B: At which you got to know me.

    R: What do you mean?

    B: Most men get to know a woman fast.

    R: Do they?

    B: Yep. Statistically 3 to 12 months.

    B: Are you waiting for me to fall asleep? I don’t fall asleep easily when I’m crying.

    R: What did I do?

    B: I don’t know, but it sure worked, LOL!

    R: Well it DIDN’T work if you’re crying

    B: I meant your approach to romance overall!

    B: It’s just the cumulative result of being in love with a man for virtually 3 years…and hearing for the millionth time that it is unrequited love.

    R: I am sure that hurts tremendously. I am sorry.

    B: You didn’t do anything wrong. If you don’t feel the same you don’t feel the same.

    B: Thank you.

    R: Is there anything I can say to make you feel better? I think you are beautiful.

    B: Thank you. Wait till you see me when I’m at 150 lbs! 

    B: I will tuck my intense feelings back in to sleep now, unwise as I am, and return to being your friend.

    B: I find it hard to hide how I feel.

    R: You don’t have to do that I just don’t want you to get hurt.

    B: Thanks, that’s mature of you. If love were a choice, who would choose such an exquisite pain?

    R: I’m going to bed. R U ok?

    B: R u hiding behind your phone? I’m unwise. I’m ok. Ty. Good night.

    B: Good thing Denny’s is 5 miles away.

    B: Just in case this is romantic, romance is supposed to feel good and is supposed to be beautiful.

    B: I guess all I can do is give compassion to the weak part of me that wants it to be more, and unwisely decides to talk about it through text messages.

    R: Can you tell me what it is exactly you are upset about?

    B: I want to be exclusive with you. I want to be by your side as your woman. And I feel frustrated for having such a personal conversation by text when I know better.

    R: Oh ok. I’m clear.

    B: I’ll be ok.

    R: Ok

    R: Just know that I don’t want you to hurt. I want you to feel good.

    B: Thanks. Cuddle. 

    R: I am sorry

    B: Thanks for being sweet.

    R: YW

    It finally ended at 3:30 am!

  253.  #253T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Ice Princess, so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. And the fact that it was brushed under the table.

    Yesterday when we talked he acted like nothing happened but I just want to somehow remind him that I am a mom and sometimes he is going to see me having to discipline. I can’t be a goddess all the time! lol

  254.  #254Starla on December 30, 2011 at 7:44 am

    246: Femininewomansays:

    though I thought she was being a b”iatc*h and told her so. She said “he is a man let him work”.

    i wish i could feel this way. i will start out with high degree of difficulty and value, but after a few minutes of it, i feel unworthy and like i am being demanding.

    and i think what makes me SEEM demanding is my total insecurity around it.

  255.  #255Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:44 am

    That is because hurt doesn’t really create a picture and could really mean anything. Elle-emme it would be easier if you give a little context.

  256.  #256Liz on December 30, 2011 at 7:47 am

    Good morning
    I have a sick son with a fever today….no NYE festivites for us…

    I just wanted to report that I DID not email accountantCD to help me this morning……I need some items from the grocery store and he is in his office across the street….
    I am housebound with my feverish child and I called a girlfriend who lives three blocks away…..

    FW, you seem like such a pro about leaning forward and I am secondguessing myself about accountantCD….I was feeling so frustrated with him sending me all those suggestive emails that I think i leaned forward by responding and telling him I did not want to get all turned on and no place to go, since he was choosing to stay with his girlfriend….

    anyway, this is a learning curve for me, to keep turning to myself, I feel like Esteemed and me are doing the same work….
    Hi Esteemed….it is so hard for me not to focus on accountantCD, but now I am just asking myself what I can do to love myself in that moment when I catch myself thinking about him….

    Have a great day!

  257.  #257lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 7:48 am


    It is TOTALLY ok,FW. TOTALLY. She hasn’t met him yet and honestly, I can’t wait for her to see us together tomorrow. He is incredibly good looking (which will cause her to drool) and thoughtful and considerate and kind and she WILL be jealous. And, he drives a Harley and she loves that as much as I do. The other half of M and M doesn’t so she called me a Biatch when I told her about the bike.

    Between you and me and the sirens…I feel happy about that. Mostly, I feel like…TAH DAH!! And wanna sing a little “nanny,nanny,boo boo” to her. LOL!!!

    He is a keeper and no matter what I do or say or think or feel…he just keeps marching forward toward me. I feel so D@MN happy…

  258.  #258Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Starla the difference was that she was not invested and she always cdate. I am talking about since 15 years ago. She has always believed that she is beautiful and can get any man she wants. When I look at examples like those from my past I have no problem being convinced about what Rori is teaching. It is the boundary of exclusivity before the commitment that we want that causes us most of our problems.

  259.  #259Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:50 am

    Yayy Lilybelly. I feel so proud and happy for and of you.

  260.  #260Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 7:51 am

    I felt sure he was moving toward romance on Christmas Eve. In this text, he opened up feelings that run deep with all his sexual talk, etc.

    What leads me into trouble is my feelings. I feel overwhelmed with a love that has been growing for 4 years (I’ve known him for 4, but we started dating 3 years ago).

    So I get too hot and heavy.

    Then what leads me into trouble is my feelings when I start to feel awful and then I push it too far trying to get rid of my terrible feelings.

    So it’s fundamentally a need to control my feelings.

    I guess I need a refresher in Rori’s visualizations, and just manage those feelings, and back out of the conversation until I do. I really want to heal this thing. I don’t want to go on and on making these mistakes. I don’t think R sees what I’m doing. I don’t think he knows why he feels uncomfortable. But you ladies do.

    I am really going to try to change the underwear drawer of my mind. I am exposing this stuff at great embarrassment because this will help me find healing. Thank you all for bearing with me.

  261.  #261Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 7:53 am

    252 TGirl

    Does he have children too? I think it is hard to understand having children when you don’t have any of your own. LP has children actually we met because of his daughter. He is the only person that my boys have seen me with. I love LPs kids as much as I love him. Children make dating more difficult like that.

  262.  #262lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 7:53 am


    T-Girl…he is a relationship ready man and a total List man…

    #1 Guy is going to be 17 so it’s a bit different now than it was when he was younger. I dated hide and go seek guy off and on for five years and loved him like crazy but never felt safe enough to introduce #1 Guy to him. Just couldn’t bring myself to do it and trusted my gut on that one.

    Tomorrow T will be there with us and I will introduce him to #1 Guy then. It is a lot of people so there won’t be pressure for any of us and it will just be easy-peasy. The only person who will really know it’s a big deal will be my Dad and Bonus Mom. I don’t bring people home.

  263.  #263Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 7:58 am

    Liz I am doing the same work too. The difference is awareness and I am totally committed with every cell of my being to do this. So when my mind goes to him or one I sometimes literally shake myself like a dog shaking off water. I am no pro but I have learned to pay attention to myself and to say stop.

    One of my cds just called, the one I wrote about earlier with the hand thing. He said you know you are the perfect girlfriend. You don’t call me all the time. You allow me to focus and do my work. You don’t put any pressure on me and you respond when I call. At least I am calling, right? I said to him, I guess that is a clue as to how I should operate in the relationship.

    Some may read this as me being totally easy and not using my Inner Drama Queen but the thing is I am so not invested in any way because I have other options. I look for opportunities to tell him that I don’t take crumbs and I can do it an a playful manner. Last time he said “you calling me crumbsie” and laughed. I believe that people just want to feel good and be happy in their lives. Even if it leads nowhere and never become fully committed I win because I can choose anything I want because he is there.

  264.  #264Starla on December 30, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Esteemed, I read your convos with him, including the latest, and you’re lucky because this is an EASY one. you are just leaning forward like crazy, and really trying to “fish” for things out of him. Stop. Let him always initiate, even once the conversation is underway. You did great by saying goodnight, but then you came back, because you felt anxious. Stop doing this. It’s hurting you. I know how foreign and scary and unnatural and hurtful it sounds to stop doing this, but you have to just stop. shift your focus to something else when you feel this way.


  265.  #265Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Part of the foundation of Rori’s tools is awareness and changing what does not work. She has even encouraged his to learn forward to see what it produces. It it produces nothing that we want, then ask yourself Why would I lean forward? What am I trying to produce?

  266.  #266Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    RE: #220 – Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kindness, patience, and understanding. What you said was very healing. You help me not be so hard on myself.

    I think the number one thing I can do when I feel myself going into overfunctioning instead of responding is


    …then say, “Lil girl, steady yourself. Go inside and just take care of your feelings, be they positive or negative.”

  267.  #267Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:11 am


    RE: #221 – Thank you.

  268.  #268Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 8:11 am

    @FW #228 – I haven’t found all of them yet – I think they are in the trunk of my car among some other CD’s but I will definitely look for it this weekend – need the daylight. It’s also one of my resolutions – to go into the New Year with a clean trunk.

  269.  #269Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    RE: #222 – Don’t apologize! You were not rambling, and what you say really helps!

    I believe situations can change overnight, too. I just witnessed it, too. R was coming in my direction more than he has in almost 3 years, and I truly believe he was approaching romance – my intuition told me so.

    Then overnight I messed it up by operating in masculine energy.

    Ugh. Trying to not be hard on myself.

  270.  #270Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:14 am

    He just called again and I had to go to the restroom. He asked why is it that you go to the restroom when I am talking to you. I responded and went on to say I am wearing a pink fuchsia dress today and i am feeling so good about myself. He tried to express what I was saying and I said “I am feeling all pink and squishy”. He asked me why am I tormenting and teasing him with those expansive graphics. He is a man and “will want to act on it.

    Daria I felt challenged to to test that because I remember you saying you were kind of fearful to use those feeling messages to men and you seem to be fearless to me. I told him thanks for sharing and that i will definitely continue using them. He almost died laughing, telling me I am all woman.

    Am I committed to practicing the tools? I am, 100%.

  271.  #271Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Crystal Eyes,

    RE: #223 – That sounds balanced! LOL, that was funny about your joke about booty call! 🙂

  272.  #272Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:17 am

    RE 268 Mocha you will not regret it. I listen to them everyday because I have a long ride.

  273.  #273Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:19 am


    RE: #263 – Thank you, I will.

  274.  #274lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 8:19 am



    I am hugging you hard here after reading the late night texting between the two of you.

    Now, you know. The only way that you could even remotely turn any of this around is by taking care of yourself but I certainly wouldn’t do that with “changing his mind” at the helm of taking care of me.

    The only thing that you can do is let go and take care of you. Remember when you changed your name here and how you felt when you did it? Embrace those feelings again. Spend some time looking at your beautiful self in the mirror and start loving YOU and caring for you. Kick your plans into gear and stop everything as it pertains to R.

    I KNOW full well how you feel inside right now. Go ahead and embrace that, it’s all very real and it hurts to love someone and not be loved back.. I KNOW this. BUT I am here to tell you and show you that it does get better. Way better than I ever imagined and it was all because I stopped, let go and did the work necessary to heal myself. Was it easy? Hell NO, it wasn’t easy.

    Was it worth it… Without a doubt. If I had known then what was at the end of the path, I wouldn’t have fought so hard against it. But it was necessary and the reward was so worth it.

    Also, the one thing I never, ever let go of…was hope and the unshakeable belief that all that I desired was coming. Grab that, Esteemed and go with it.


  275.  #275elle_emm on December 30, 2011 at 8:22 am


    re: ‘annoyed’:

    i am CDing a guy who gets weird around plans. he’ll ask me what i am doing at night, then tell me ‘oh, i had really good hockey tickets, i wanted you to come’. very last-minute. i don’t break my other plans to take up his last minute offer. then he’ll say next time he sees me ‘it’s too bad you couldn’t come to the game’, but not with any sincerity and i feel a lot of anger, which i sense quite a bit of from him. i feel annoyed. it feels like he’s playing games.

    i feel ready to drop him from my rotation. but i really want to figure out how to express that i feel frustrated by this style of dating.

  276.  #276Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:23 am

    CCarter – People play roles with each other. When one plays convincer the other resists. That is just how the energy flows or how human psychology works.

  277.  #277Kyla on December 30, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Feminiewoman re: covering his hand

    This has me thinking.. I wonder if covering his hand feels masculine to him because instead of just enjoying the sensation of him touching us we are physically holding him there?

    I feel awkward sometimes just smiling up at R when he moves towards me in someway – I feel the need to reciprocate and I have to remind myself that being receptive to him and feeling good with him is all he really wants from me.

  278.  #278Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:24 am

    April Rose,

    RE: #224 – Oops. As painful as it is for me to get feedback on here sometimes, I have decided to let it all hang out so I can get healing.

    I was just so isolated in my childhood and dating years that I had no idea how other people think and how I come across.

    So I decided I would rather feel yucky on the blog than with a man.

  279.  #279Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:26 am


    RE: #273 – Thank you, I appreciate your encouragement and kindness.

  280.  #280Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Even in the face of all this wise input, I feel a strong urge to text him and do damage control.


  281.  #281lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Just type here, Esteemed. type away….

  282.  #282Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Elle-emm so you are feeling toyed with/angry/awkward/frustrated? I would tell him I feel silly bringing this up but I feel awkward not having certainty around his plans. I like to feel solid and secure around plans but sometimes I feel like I am playing the game of cat and mouse, I don’t want that in my life. I feel cherished when a mature man respects my time and don’t want to play little boy games.

    Elle-emme hopefully you will find something n there but I see in your posts where you are quite clear about your feelings and would just go with that.

  283.  #283Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Kayla on Reconnect Rori says all a man wants is a woman who can feel and can receive what he is giving. I took that my putting my hand on his was deflecting the love he was offering. But this might not be the case for every man so I guess paying attention is key. As I am generally masculine energy I have chosen to pay attention to that. As a matter of fact when I initially started posting my name was masculinewoman. Daria encouraged me to change that and I am happy I did because it worked wonders on my mindset.

  284.  #284Starla on December 30, 2011 at 8:35 am

    i think the best thing i can do for myself and this man and our budding relationship, and the best thing i could have ever done with any other man in the past, is “just stop.” in this case, it’s just accepting that “everything is fine” when he says it is. he says he’ll tell me over and over if i need it, but it doesn’t even have to be like that. the best thing i could have ever done in this situation with any man is just move on. Stop talking about how things aren’t “normal” and actually LET them get back to normal.

    Starla, you can just say you’re sorry and move on. Even if it feels scary and awkward. Time will show you who is going to accept you with your flaws and who won’t. That’s why you trust and love your best friend of 17 years so completely. Because you’ve had time to learn that for sure she is never going to turn her back on you, even when you’re making it really hard.

    She’s the only one, though. The only human being on the planet who has loved me like this. My parents dropped the ball here by abandoning me and abusing me. So it is very hard for me to believe that if things go imperfectly, if i act irrational or bratty, etc., that anyone is going to stick around for it, or continue to treat me good if they do.

    So far, it hasn’t worked out with any man. I’m a special breed of feeling-y type beast (lol thanks Mel). CF says he recognizes this because it’s how he feels, too, when he is feeling low and unloveable, and i should really just TRUST HIM. I do believe him. But in the moment, everything feels urgent and negative and doomsdaylike. And I think that I am making it worse in this way, and sabotaging things.

  285.  #285Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:35 am

    I forced myself to delete the phone number of one of my favorites. His pattern is to disappear from several months and then return a better person. He recently came back but I have not fully opened the door yet.

  286.  #286T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 8:37 am

    Esteemed, what would you tell your friend if it was them in the situation you were in. That they were all over a guy who has stated over and over that he doesn’t have feelings more than friendship towards them. Would you encourage that friend to keep leaning forward and pouring their heart out to them? I know I wouldn’t. I would tell them that the time you are wasting on this ONE man is preventing you from finding the man who is going to treat you like a QUEEN and give you the love you deserve as a true siren.

    I would encourge you to also read some of the male dating coaches perspectives like Christian Carter, Jonathan Aslay and yes, even Evan Marc Katz. I know his name is taboo on here but I like to hear his perspective – it isn’t sugar coated like so many of the other coaches. But it definitely helps to hear a guy’s perspective.

    Sending much love to you.

  287.  #287Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 8:38 am

    @ FW – I feeling icky and unsure about this and would like your help. You wrote in the last post -” If you choose not to answer his calls it might be a good thing for you” and “Just that I would encourage you to be totally clear that you are in a place where you feel comfortable walking away from the relationship because he could get frustrated and just don’t bother.”

    How do I ignore his phone calls without coming across as playing games? Should I put a time limit on how long I go without answering them?

    Am I to worry about his frustration and his eventually not wanting to be bothered? What does this look like? How do I not allow this to happen?

  288.  #288Kyla on December 30, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I’m feeling contemplative today. I am so proud of myself for the monumental year 2011 was for me and I reached and succeeded all my goals and yet I’m beating myself up slightly for letting myself overfunction for 2 weeks. How silly! I am aware now and can easily change hats back again. Yay for me! I feel excited to set goals for 2012. Since I got all the ‘difficult’ and fundemental stuff done this year I feel at a loose end as to what to do now. Its been hectic, priority juggling for so long it feels weird not having the momentum of deadlines and stress driving me. I think this is why I was overfunctioning. I made Christmas my new project because I have all my other projects completed or in a steady routine. Hmmm.

  289.  #289Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 8:39 am


    RE: #238 – You said, “i don’t think men are too worried about how we act and feel…i think they’re more worried about how it makes THEM feel, lol, and when we can’t put the brakes on a dysfunctional cycle of self-shame, it makes THEM feel drained and like we’re blaming them.

    better to just.stop.


    Thanks for sharing! I so relate!

    One of my current cringes is that he thinks everything is going awry because of his schizophrenia. I feel SO tempted right now to jet him a text, saying,

    “It got lopsided (again) because I was initiating too much and getting in the way. I am backing off now.”


  290.  #290lilybelly on December 30, 2011 at 8:41 am

    NO, Esteemed. Don’t DO IT!!

  291.  #291Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Mocha please look at the questions you are asking and ask yourself the questions.

    From what I am reading you are not in a place yet to just let go. Ask yourself why am I there? See if your higher self gives you an answer.

    You would have to be a place to let go and not care what happens when you establish your boundaries. It seems to me like you are more focussed on saving the relationship.

  292.  #292T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Ice Princess, yes he does have a 23 year old son but he was never married to the mother and she apparently used their son as a pawn. The whole situation is very hurtful for him so I don’t talk to him alot about it. He has lived a bachelor lifestyle whereas I have been married for 20 years so I think maybe my fear of our different lifestyles could be coming out with this situation that happened.

    I got a text from him this morning but no call, so today it is going to be about me and my daughter. I have a massage scheduled and then my daughter and I will do some shopping. We do have plans of him coming over on NYE so we will see how that transpires.

  293.  #293Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:48 am

    T-Girl how old is this relationship? Remember that at some point they get scared when they realize we are actual human beings and they start considering making decisions about the relationship.

  294.  #294Starla on December 30, 2011 at 8:48 am


    haha. don’t do it though. seriously. stop it.

  295.  #295T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 8:48 am

    Esteemed, please don’t text him anymore. You know all the tools. You are choosing not to use them. Dont’ you see that it will NEVER work if you keep on the same path?

    Break free from this pattern. Or, is this the type of relationship you want? I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

  296.  #296Kyla on December 30, 2011 at 8:48 am


    Could you lie down on the floor and just kind of ‘give up’? Physically surrender and allow yourself to feel your feelings without doing anything except just lie there and feel them. Let them ebb and flow and just do absolutely nothing at all?

    When I have an addiction (and R sounds like an addiction to you) I need to give up, admit that what I’m doing does not feel good to me and then protect myself by taking myself out of the situation altogether. What could you do for yourself that would feel good right now?

    Huge big hugs.


  297.  #297elle_emm on December 30, 2011 at 8:50 am

    thanks, FW! you rock.

  298.  #298Starla on December 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

    I did end up talking to CF last night about him moving an hour away, and I gave him the clumsiest no girlfriend speech you ever did hear, and toldhim my boundaries for if he’s moving away, and that it would feel bad to “back off” when i am feeling so close to him. He said he is going to try to figure out something because the last thing he wants is to slow down with me.

    we’ll see what happens. i’m feeling scared and consumed with this man, if you can’t tell. i think i’m gonna go take a little break from work and refocus when i get back. he’s not in freaking front of me, i need to chill.

    i feel so bad for making him feel like he wasn’t “getting it right” with me last night. i love me though. and i think it’s good that i just said “i’m feeling kinda bratty and spoiled, and i don’t want to make the plans…i’m starting to feel snotty and bratty, and irritated…”

    at least i explain what’s up with me, instead of just cop an awful attitude.

    ok here i go…gotta refocus. be back in a while.

  299.  #299Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

    RE 295 Me too, I agree. I also believe it is an obsession not love. The centers for pain and pleasure are next to each other in the brain. I also believe as long as people try to convince there will be unconscious resistance.

  300.  #300T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

    FW – the relationship is 7.5 months now. I think he is getting scared. He has talked about things that scare him if we move in together. So at least I know he is thinking about progressing our relationship.

    I don’t think he has ever lived with anyone before. I’m sure it is very scary for him to think about giving up his bachelor lifestyle. Maybe this is a make or break moment for him? I don’t know. But I am a mom and these moments are going to happen. He needs to be aware of that.

  301.  #301Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 8:55 am


    Oh, I see. So, he probably did not spend much time parenting then?

  302.  #302Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 8:58 am

    T-Girl Do you have Reconnect? In it Rori does not encourage moving in with a man. She says she did it but would not encourage anyone to do it. I can’t remember right now how she puts it but basically it is that you are selling yourself short. I am wondering if you have feelings around it that you are not sharing and as such is cutting him off from his feelings.

    I can’t remember if you want to or don’t want to get married. I guess if what you are getting is the kind of commitment you are looking for then it would not be an issue, like Dominique for example.

  303.  #303Kyla on December 30, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Feminewoman I must say I am surprised when you say you are generally of masculine energy as you come across so very soft on the blog. I like that the name change was helpful to you 🙂

  304.  #304T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:01 am

    IP – no, he hasn’t. He says he understands that she is just being a 13 year old girl and it is no big deal, yet his actions are contradicting his words.

    I sort of feel like he had me on a pedestal before and that pedestal came crashing down. It is hard to keep the feminine, sireny mojo going when you have to balance it with being a mom too. I am looking at this as something that he had to see, to help him decide if this is what he wants for his future.

  305.  #305Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:03 am


    RE: #294 – It is NOT accurate to say I am choosing not to use Rori’s tools.

    It is accurate to say I have some deeply seated behavior patterns that I thought were broken but they are not. And it is a process. And it takes baby steps. And it is messy.

    I am in process. Please take it easy on me.

  306.  #306Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Kyla it is the commitment to change that has made a difference. I also have a woman in my life who I have known since before I was a teenager. She has always been very soft, cry easily and high degree. I have watched her life and now see the romantic relationship she shares with her husband and how he “does” for her and talks about how he can’t handle masculine type women – though he struggles with expressing that. She tells him no all the time but very softly and firmly. She literally raises her hand sometimes when she wants to talk to him in public. Sometimes she just sits quietly but he acknowledges why she is silent and even gives her what she wants without her asking.

    She has been a lifelong friend so I have evidence in my life that Rori’s way works. I have had it for a long time just that I was unconscious around it.

  307.  #307T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:06 am

    FW, no I don’t have Reconnect but I do have Love Scripts and Commitment Blueprint but unfortunately they are on my dead computer right now.

    I can honestly say I don’t know what I want. I feel as if we move in together or get married, then the boredom will set in. Just like it did in my 20 year marriage. Yet at the same time I feel like I want to live true life with him, not just dating life.

    Ouch, that felt weird to type. A couple weeks ago we went to a Christmas party at his neighbor’s. Everyone there thought we were married because we were fielding questions like “do you two have children”, or “how long have you been married”. It hurt to hear him say “no, we are just dating”. Ouch.

    I can honestly say I don’t know what I want for our future, the only thing I can say for sure is that I am in love with him.

  308.  #308Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:09 am


    RE: #295 – Excellent tool! Thank you!

    Yes, that is xactly what I need to do to get thru this moment by moment, and at the times when I am in the moment. I get too intense with him.

    Lie down and give up.

    I copied it and will keep it open on my computer at times when I am feeling tempted to overfunction…like right now.

    Then I will go lie down and surrender.

    Yes, I am addicted to him. The only thing that means more to me in life is God.

  309.  #309T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:09 am

    304 Esteemed, I am sorry if I sounded harsh. But every time you pick up that phone to lean forward to text, that is a choice you are making. Yes, breaking a pattern is a choice. You need to choose if you want to or not.

  310.  #310Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 9:10 am

    T-Girl Cdating would definitely help that, I believe. fliritng will keep the siren mojo going. I believe it is the exclusivity that might causing the problem and he might be feeling the pressure of responsibility having lived the bachelor life for so long.

  311.  #311Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Feminine Woman,

    RE: #305 – Your story reminds me of a story my friend, M, told me last summer. M is VERY strong masculine energy, and she said she visits her friend, Softy, I’ll call her, partially for entertainment, because she is so opposite!

    M and Softy were driving in Softy’s car when the car had a flat tire. M offered to get out and change it. Softy said, “No, no, no, just let me make a phone call here.” She daintily called her husband, who immediately came.

    The two women drove off in his car while he changed the flat. Softy exclaimed to M, “THAT’S how to change a flat!”


  312.  #312Starla on December 30, 2011 at 9:15 am

    RE: #294 – It is NOT accurate to say I am choosing not to use Rori’s tools.


    *said in fun russian accent*

  313.  #313T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:16 am

    FW, yes, I will flirt but I won’t date. I just couldn’t do that in an exclusive relationship. So I am going to CD myself and my daughter today. I got a great e-mail from Alexandra Fox in my inbox this morning about “is he losing interest”. That was perfect timing for me to read. And it is something that is very common so I am not going to feel bad about it. I may even meet with one of my male friend’s (ex CD) who is asking me to take him to Costco.

  314.  #314Liz on December 30, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Hi Esteemed,

    How are you doing today?
    I am struggling with accountantCD, because I know how much we like each other…..but I realize how much I have been overfunctioning……and he is not available.

    It definitely appears that R is not emotionally available to you now. And you are not accepting that.

    So I don’t know what you do to move your energy around these things. I have been working on this situation with accountantCD for over a year and I work clairvoyantly and do energy work. It has really helped, but what really got me in hot water is when I started practicing being in my feminine and running my female energy around him… totally turned him on and that’s when our friendship turned to all this talk about sex…..he just couldn’t take it, he would get an erection with me just being in his office and me not even touching him…..
    but the fact remains he is not available to me and I feel like I keep wanting him to be.
    So I call a friend and we move more energy and the interesting thing is that since my father had some significant character flaws, I learned a TON of behaviors early on about relating to men. As I do this energy work and come on this blog and read my Rori Raye stuff, I bring each behavior into present time and feel compassion for my little girl who grew up so confused.
    So these behaviors are not in present time, they are still trying to meet needs that were not met in childhood or even in a past life.
    So you are NOT helpless or hopeless, you are replaying a situation most likely. If you can just sit and read that text again and ask your little esteemed what she would like to receive from that text and wait for her answer…….you can also write a question to her on a piece of paper with your dominant hand and then talk to her and wait for her answer by switching the pencil to the hand that you don’t usually write with, this allows you to connect with those needs that went underground as a child or in another life…..and when you hear the answer, just validate it….
    For example
    One year I was very sad about christmas coming up and I did that writing exercise. Because i just could not get happy about christmas… I asked my little girl what would she like to do for christmas? And she said “I want homemade hot chocolate and a candy cane to dip in it”. It was as simple as that….I said, done and then the next four christmases she wanted that and we had it and now christmas is a happy time for me.
    Hey, I just wanted to say all this so you know that you are going to be alright and this is really difficult but you will discover what it is you are trying to get from him…..
    With accountantCD, I learned last night that I am really wanting to be able to hold my space around a man who wants sex with me, since my dad did that when I was a kid. So this is why I chose to have him come into my life and be so close to me, i.e. have an office across the street. So today, i look out my window and I see him there and I think, I am so proud of myself I did not give him sex. I am worthy of sex within a relationship that honors me. How can I love myself right now? I think I will do a little breathing meditation and finish addressing those christmas cards…..attention back to me….
    I am so glad you are here, all you sirens, and you, Esteemed, as we all witness your transformation to a woman who esteems herself more than any man…..

    Big hugs to you

  315.  #315T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Esteemed, I do believe you have an addiction. My mother is an alcoholic and she has an excuse for everything about why she is an alcoholic, just like you had an excuse about having deep seated issues. You have also said in the past that Rori’s way doesn’t work for everyone so you made excuses why it is ok to lean forward with R.

    If you read other realtionship coaches, you will find that the message is pretty much the same. Which tells me it works.

    The first step to breaking an additiction is awareness. Do you have a Celebrate Recovery program at your church?

  316.  #316Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:28 am


    RE: #308 – My childhood, teens, and twenties, my idea of a social life was to meander thru fields and woods. I avoided human beings for the most part because I thot there was no peace or joy to be found in the presence of people.

    Then I got involved with inmates for most of 20 years, with few in person relationships. So it may look obvious to you how to interact with men, but it is not obvious to me. I may be in my 40’s, but that doesn’t mean I have oodles of experience. Sometimes I use my logic, as people are prone to do. It feels bad to think I can’t trust myself, that I am my own worst enemy. But sometimes I can’t and I am. Rori also says trust your feelings. I was trusting my feelings, and I can’t. Not yet anyway.

    What I have found is that my logic is flawed at times and my feelings are intense, after so many years alone, and the huge lack of social interaction that went with that.

    R is my first real relationship in many ways. It may be second nature for you to lean back, but it is not for me. I have become far more self-aware, but even so, I tend to get lost in the sauce when I feel the intense feelings of love for R that permeate my being. When he talks about sexual stuff, I feel totally, utterly turned on. I believe in my soul that this man is my Soul Mate. And there was a moment, on the best day of my life in February 3 years ago, when his eyes were liquid with emotion, when he said as we embraced in bed, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world.”

    Sometimes I just don’t “get it”, even tho it looks obvious to other Sirens. Just to give you an idea, I tried out for a play in high school. In the try-outs, the teacher told a guy to act like he was picking me up. I literally expected him to pick me up off the floor. I felt so nervous I was literally trembling, and of course I didn’t get the part. Just being in the presence of people felt very scary to me. When attention was placed on me, it was terrifying.

    Even on this blog, I am hiding behind the computer. I have come a very long way, by placing myself in the company of people and talking. But it is still far more comfortable for me to write and not be face to face with people. My nervousness in the presence of people often feels like a freight train ripping thru my brain waves, paralyzing my ability to think and speak.

  317.  #317TiaraDiva on December 30, 2011 at 9:30 am


    I feel your agony and your heartache. I don’t feel that any of us are alone in the amount of torture that we willing create for ourselves – by our own doing.

    I think – having gone through this process – some of the main thought triggers for me to just slow down and say “whoa” to a relationship person are key word triggers, where the person I feel attracted to would say any of the following:

    “I’m not ready for a committment”,
    “I don’t love you”, == or worse yet
    “I love you, but I am not in love with you”
    “I only want to be friends”
    “You [meaning me] are a great friend”
    “I don’t want to be tied down to one person”
    “I’m not ready to be exclusive with you”

    I’m sure there are a few more key word triggers that other sirends know, but I’m drawing a blank at the moment.

    Anyway — I feel so sad reading your texts with R. I feel proud of you for your strength in character to reveal such an intimate and private section of your relationship with us … but I am reading many of these key word triggers in R’s comments — he is not on the same page with you on this relationship.

    One of the first things I got from Rori’s products was to be strong enough to respect yourself and if you wanted the committment and he wasn’t ready and then he wouldn’t be entitled to having you all to himself. …

    I don’t know the whole situation, but it seems clear that you are both in separate houses [which is actually a great thing at this point] … you have a safe place to be and live and turn to without him present.

    If only I knew years ago to catch the keywords and not pursue the guy “well, what does that mean? or what can I do differently?” … he made his point clear — he doesn’t see the relationship for what you want.

    And, I struggled with that for months and years pining after one person. I was so tunnel-visioned with this person for over 4 years and never got a clue. I feel silly writing that for it seems as though the whole world saw in bright, flashing neon letters everything that I failed to see … and he was completely upfront about it the whole time. Its not like he deceived me or lied or anything … He did what he wanted to do because he told me that he wasn’t ready for what I wanted. I gave up my life and thrill of meeting new people when I fell head-over-heels for this guy.

    Ugh! If only I knew now what I knew then. And, yes, {{{Esteemed}}} its so much easier for an outsider to tell you all the wonderful and right things you *should* do. I feel your agony that you’re going through — but the very strong masculine energy and affirmations that you seem to require from R will never be there.

    He’s already given you what you need — “the relationship is a friendship” … his medical diagnosis is not a shield to hide behind [I’ve been there, done that too. Wow] or to give excuses for how you feel or how he feels. He knows … you know.

    Take time to be with yourself. Do you have any favorite hobbies? Do you enjoy the mountains? Do you enjoy the beach? Do you have a car that you can take a country drive? Do you like going to read books at the park? Do you feel happy getting a manicure?

    Search deep within … find something that you can do for you(!) … leave your phone at home. Hmm … take the battery out and scatter the pieces around the house so you won’t be tempted to lean forward.

    It is truly a difficult time to go through — envision what you would feel like if you conquered R and the relationship. Would that really, truly, be the way you want to exist together? Having struggled for so long to … what … to prove that you were right all along? … to prove that he really did want you?

    Esteemed, please do not take these words out of context. I am in no way judging you or trying to be harsh. I feel so bad though because I have been in your shoes and couldn’t see the light of day with blinders on.

    Stay strong, esteemed … It wasn’t until I was ready to acknowledge and give power to the keywords that I heard (friends, not exclusve, wasn’t in love, didn’t want to commit, etc.) to realize that I didn’t want to waste any more energy on this imaginary relationship. I was only damaging myself and misisng out on a lot of great opportunities to live and see life.

    I hope that made sense … sorry to be so long-winded.

  318.  #318Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:36 am


    RE: #313 – What you wrote to me is beautiful. Thank you so much. I really, really like your tool about writing with both hands! I will definitely do that!

    That is precious how you gave your lil girl hot chocolate and a candy cane to dip in it! This year, I gave my lil girl a real Christmas tree with lights in the corner with an angel topper, even tho I couldn’t really afford it! I am so glad I did!

  319.  #319Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:38 am


    RE: #314 – I appreciate you trying to assist me, and I often feel condemned when I read your posts to me. I don’t like the feelings of shame that try to crowd in.

    I attended Celebrate Recovery in the past, and it is an excellent program. Maybe I will check into one in my new town to see if they offer it locally.

  320.  #320Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:41 am

    The two little girls across the street got matching, motorized minibikes! One is lavender, and one is pink! They look so cute cruising around the neighborhood! I live on a very safe cul-de-sac, and it is perfect for kids and bikes! I am going to honor my lil girl by getting a bicycle for excercise as soon as I am able to afford it!

    Fitness is my number one goal this year! And last night being in the swimming pool after no swimming since August felt great!!!

  321.  #321T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Esteemed – I am really sorry if I sound harsh to you. Maybe it is because I see so many similarites to what I am going through with my alcoholic mother. Sometimes I just want to bash my head on the table when dealing with that and in a way I want to bash my head on the table when I read your interactions with R. And that is only because I care otherwise it wouldn’t effect me so much.

    But I have learned with my mother that I can’t control it. But I do see it that she is choosing alcohol over her family. And that is what I see with you too.

    So, I am just sending you love and hoping that you can deal with your issues so you can break free of your pattern. I just wish you success in finding the real man you are meant to be with. The joy of finding someone who treats you like a queen is so immense. I can’t even describe it in words but I know he is out there for you.

  322.  #322Kyla on December 30, 2011 at 9:45 am

    FW that is lovely!

    Esteemed – I find the lying on the floor tool so useful, it was in one of Rori’s emails or programmes (can’t remember) and it has helped me so much in the past. I love the saying let go and let God.

  323.  #323Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:47 am

    TiaraDiva and all of you,

    RE: #316 – Thank you so much! I feel so, so supported on this blog. You ladies are all so wonderful! How can I thank you? I feel deeply touched by all the love and care being poured out on me. It makes a huge difference as I work thru this stuff. I feel so much better.

  324.  #324T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Esteemed – it is not my intention to make you feel condemed or shame. But perhaps since some of those feelings are creeping in that maybe some of my words are making sense?

    I will let you be on this subject now. I am feeling the need to control only because I want to help but I am going to let up that control.

    As I said before, I am sending much love to you.

  325.  #325Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:49 am


    RE: #320 – Thank you!

  326.  #326Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 9:50 am


    RE: #323 – I believe it is false shame. You don’t need to, but if you read all my recent posts, you will see that the things you are addressing, I am already working on. I give compassion to my weak parts.

  327.  #327Starla on December 30, 2011 at 9:50 am

    322 esteemed

    thank us by using rori’s tools *wink*

    love you <3

  328.  #328Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:03 am

    It’s amazing to me just reading the advice being given to Esteemed. Same message, expressed uniquely, by different people with different experiences from different parts of the globe. I am experiencing it as the Universe shouting out one singular message.

  329.  #329Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:06 am


    RE: #311 – That feels bad to read. Let me use healthy eating as an example. I know exactly how to lose weight, because I ate primarily fruits and vegetables in the late 80s to lose 90 lbs. I know what works, and I know I can do it, and I kept it off for 7 years.

    But there are inner forces driving me to reach for comfort foods like cheesecake with blackberry topping and chili and cheeseburgers. I am morbidly obese at over 300 pounds.

    Each time I eat another piece of cheesecake, it is really shallow to say I am not choosing healthy eating. No duh I’m not choosing healthy eating. But if it were that simple to choose healthy eating when everyone wants to be slender and fit, then why is half the population overweight?

    Because it’s not that simple! There are very deep-seated psychological, genetic, social, mental, emotional factors why someone perpetuates any unhealthy behavior.

    I don’t care if people want to say I am just making excuses. I still say I must go thru my own, internal process in order to change my behavior. My behavior is a symptom, if you will, of my beliefs, thoughts, and feelings.

    So until I get straight with my beliefs, thoughts, and feelings, my behavior will continue to be awry.

    When I first started with Christian Carter and Rori Raye, I thought I would find instant solutions that would turn my relationship around in a week or a month. Here I am, 2.5 years later. I have found that the process of relationships is the process of inner healing and learning to love myself. And it comes off in layers.

    For the homeless people you help, you could go to them and say, “Look, dude, if you would just quit drinking and shooting drugs, you could afford a home and food.” And it would be true. But the drug addict and alcoholic has deeper seated problems than homelessness, drinking, and drugging. He is in deep pain, and he is anesthetizing his pain. So he needs inner healing first. In the meantime, you are very kind to provide them blankets.

    I used to “help” my pet alcoholic. Poor Jim was broke and homeless. I lent him hundreds of dollars, gave him not one but two junk cars, gave him a coat, and so much more over the 1.5 years I dated him in the mid-90’s. He would dress like a slob and go hold a sign at busy shopping centers, “Will Work for Food”. People would slip him $5’s, $10’s, and $20’s. When they actually offered him work, he would make an excuse that his buddy was about to pick him up. Once he gathered $50-$100, he would go to the local bar and spend it all.

    For my overfunctioning, I have beliefs, thots, and feelings about relationships that are obviously in error. I am working double time to shift those beliefs, thots, and feelings, so I don’t keep making the same mistakes.

  330.  #330Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:09 am


    RE: #326 – I will.

  331.  #331T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Esteemed – I haven’t read the whole interaction because in all honesty it made me cringe. I am glad you are giving compassion to your weak parts.

    I see now that you have a deep routed fear of intimacy which is why you seem to go for men that are unavailable (prison, R). I have a fear of intimacy too and I am working with my fears through J and it is the most scary thing I have ever done but the rewards are so great. I wish those rewards for you too.

    OK, now I am really going to stop. I have a massage booked and am so excited!


  332.  #332Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 10:11 am

    @FW #290 – Thank you and I have asked myself these questions and just wanted to get more insight based on what you posted previously.

    I realize that I need to tap into my feminine energy and bring her to the front.

    No I don’t see letting go of the relationship as the answer rather letting go of the expectations and coversation about where things are going and jsut be – let him lead – let things happen in his time but still being true to myself and my boundaries.

  333.  #333Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 10:12 am

    @BW #65 – thanks!!! That sounds like a great way to turn around!!!!!!!

    Gonna try it!!!!

  334.  #334Radiance on December 30, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Resurrecting an old fave:

    “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” —Mark Twain

  335.  #335Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:13 am


    RE: #280 – “Just type here, Esteemed. type away….”

    Thank you. It may not look to some of you like it is helping, but it is, immensely. I so need you all. I so appreciate you all. I so appreciate Rori and her wisdom and her providing us this blog.

  336.  #336Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Mocha just in case you did not get this, I suspect it could help you and tenny:-

    Here are some tips about how to get started telling a man the total truth of exactly how you feel — no matter how afraid you are:

    1. Let Yourself Shake

    Instead of trying to hold yourself in and be all poised and put together, just let your body sort of fall apart!

    And even more — let HIM see you shake!

    I know this sounds really scary. I know it seems like the opposite of what you’re “supposed” to do. And the first few times you try it, you’re going to feel shaky.

    But the absolutely most charming, disarming, and confident thing you can do when you don’t know what to do is to just let yourself be. When a man sees you really feeling your emotions, he becomes absolutely mesmerized by you because the feminine feeling self is so foreign to him in the first place.

    2. Put Your Hand On Your Stomach

    Allow your tummy to relax against your hand — lean into it, allow your hand to comfort you and soften the stiffness.

    I know we’re all so used to holding in our tummies, and trying to stand up tall and look slender and fit, but right now what you want to do is let it go.

    And I know that what you want to do when you feel the onslaught of an attack or an assault from a man — even if it’s not on purpose, and even if it’s just something negligent that he’s not doing — is to attack him back or to run.

    And if you can’t attack him because it’s just not in your nature, and you don’t want to run — because you want to “discuss things” and have a happy ending to this situation — what can happen is we just “freeze” in place.

    That means we go numb. We go blank. Can’t feel a thing. We don’t know what we’re doing.

    And this is okay, too!

    By putting your hand on your stomach, you’re telling yourself that you’re okay. You’re giving yourself some love and comfort and telling yourself that however you’re feeling right now is okay. You’re also giving yourself a much-needed “pause” to collect yourself and speak from a more authentic place.

    3. Say “Okay.”

    “Okay” means you’re listening. It means you are not going to expend precious energy to fight with him. “Okay” means you are taking care of yourself by turning that attention back on to you.

    What’s even better is if you’re always prepared with a good “script” for any situation so that you don’t get caught off guard and say something that might put more distance between you and him.

    You can start doing this now by thinking about a moment when your man did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say something, and it felt really upsetting to you.

    Imagine that situation and write down some ideas.

    Great ideas would be “I feel upset,” or “I don’t know what to say,” or “You’re right,” or “That feels bad.”

    Even better, you’ll find everything you need to say to a man in my new Love Scripts program. If he’s doing something that’s really upsetting you, you’ll find the answer in the program. If you’ve been stuffing down your feelings for a long time and don’t know how to ask them for what you really want, you’ll find it in Love Scripts.


    Love Scripts teaches you a simple method for speaking with a man that REALLY works — it shows you how to talk with him so that he’ll WANT to listen to you and please you. What’s more, you’ll be using YOUR words for your particular situation so that you never sound fake or inauthentic. On the contrary, Love Scripts lets you finally say what you feel in a way that a man can really understand and respond to.

    You’ll find solutions for dating in the Love Scripts For Dating program — everything from how to deal with e-mails and text messages to how to deal with requests for exclusivity and physical intimacy.

    And in Love Scripts For Relationships — if you’ve been suffering for a long time and just don’t know how to bring up a very delicate subject — you’ll find the words. Love Scripts will teach you how to write your own script no matter what’s going on.

    And now – here’s Step #4:

    4. Take A Breath, Shake Out Your Arms, And Say Your Prepared “Speech”

    Say exactly the words you’ve learned from Love Scripts, or walk away into another room (or the bathroom if you’re in a restaurant or party) for a minute so you can use the Tools in Love Scripts to write your own speech.

    Until your copy of Love Scripts arrives, or while you’re working through it, just start with the words “I feel…” and that will be a great start for you.

    But the faster you can learn the exact words, and can “translate” your instinctive words that don’t work into Love Scripts words that DO work, the faster things will change for you.

    Try these 4 steps and let me know how they work for you.

    Love, Rori

  337.  #337Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:18 am

    I drew a picture of Ryan last night at my friend’s house. It is of him reclining on the blue denim sofa I had when we were dating in 2009. It says “Dollbaby” at the top, RAD (his initials – I call him “RAD Dude”, and it always gets a smile) in big letters in the middle, on the back of the sofa, and “Ryan” on the lower right corner. It isn’t anything that artistically perfect, but it does look like him.

    I felt deep healing drawing it, and it generated a lot of the love feelings I felt last night. I cried as I drew it, just feeling love and praying healing over him and me and our relationship.

    I would love to send it to him. But I will hold it until a more appropriate moment.

    I get too intense, and I was trying to be aware of that and back off before my intensity showed. I messed up again, and I give compassion to my weak parts.

  338.  #338Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:18 am

    RE 332 Mochaberri what are your boundaries? And what are your intentions around your boundaries?
    How do you feel about yourself when you are in the presence of this man?
    Do you feel like a woman with high self esteem when you talk to him?

  339.  #339Laughing Goddess on December 30, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Hi… Dr. Margaret Paul here.

    Are you sick and tired of dealing with dieting as a means of handling your weight issues?

    You already know that any extra weight contributes to many undesirable factors in your life, like… diabetes, high blood pressure, shortness of breath, higher risk of heart attack, to name a few.

    Weight loss can be accomplished by healing the underlying causes of food addiction, rather than through fad diets and products.

    If you’re interested in learning how to heal the root causes of weight issues, then start today by signing up for two FREE weeks of my 12-weeks Permanent Weight Loss Program.

    You can begin to learn about the major underlying cause right now by going to:

    Ask yourself, “how is my being overweight affecting my happiness – and my loved ones?” Imagine being healed from your weight issues and discovering a relief within yourself… your family and friends will alse feel relief as they experience your health and wellbeing!

    I personally spent 30 years struggling with my food addiction until I discovered the secret to permanent weight loss. I saw one weight doctor after another, tried one weight-loss plan after another, took one weight loss-pill after another, and none of it worked.

    Then I discovered how to achieve permanent weight loss.

    Begin to discover what I learned that has enabled me to lose and maintain my weight for many years.

    Once you understand the source of compulsive eating and how to heal the core issues, your weight will start to come off easily and naturally!

    To your health!

    Dr. Margaret

    Go here to learn more…

  340.  #340Laughing Goddess on December 30, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Hi… Dr. Margaret Paul here.

    Are you sick and tired of dealing with dieting as a means of handling your weight issues?

    You already know that any extra weight contributes to many undesirable factors in your life, like… diabetes, high blood pressure, shortness of breath, higher risk of heart attack, to name a few.

    Weight loss can be accomplished by healing the underlying causes of food addiction, rather than through fad diets and products.

    If you’re interested in learning how to heal the root causes of weight issues, then start today by signing up for two FREE weeks of my 12-weeks Permanent Weight Loss Program.

    You can begin to learn about the major underlying cause right now by going to:

    Ask yourself, “how is my being overweight affecting my happiness – and my loved ones?” Imagine being healed from your weight issues and discovering a relief within yourself… your family and friends will alse feel relief as they experience your health and wellbeing!

    I personally spent 30 years struggling with my food addiction until I discovered the secret to permanent weight loss. I saw one weight doctor after another, tried one weight-loss plan after another, took one weight loss-pill after another, and none of it worked.

    Then I discovered how to achieve permanent weight loss.

    Begin to discover what I learned that has enabled me to lose and maintain my weight for many years.

    Once you understand the source of compulsive eating and how to heal the core issues, your weight will start to come off easily and naturally!

    To your health!

    Dr. Margaret

  341.  #341Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:23 am


    RE: #335 – That is a beautiful article by Rori about being visible with expressing feelings, and I also enjoyed how you explained the effects of changing your name in another post. It has helped me be more aware of self-esteem with my name as Esteemed.

    For me, I am playing with the idea of going back to my real name. I am feeling like Dominique, that I want to present myself in a most genuine way. Yet I feel concerned about people reading my posts who know me.

  342.  #342Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:23 am

    I better go get some stuff done. Thank you again, everyone. I feel deeply touched by my sisters from around the world!

  343.  #343Starla on December 30, 2011 at 10:24 am

    328 Esteemed

    I stopped reading after the first sentence, because all I need to know is you felt bad reading that. You don’t need to explain yourself to me to get me to hear your feelings, my love. Maybe you do all that explaining for YOURSELF, to convince yourself that you’re worthy. That’s what I go through when I can’t “just stop” with a man.

    I’m so sorry I made you feel bad. I was being playful, but i was also trying to knock down the blinders. I must have gone about this wrong if it hurt you, I’m sorry!

  344.  #344Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 10:25 am

    @ FW #335 – Thanks!! I have seen this in Rori’s emails and that’s what I’m practicing with him now – somewhere along the line it goes out the window when he gets “girly” on me and starts expressing how he feels and then throws in my face what I did to bring us here

  345.  #345Liz on December 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

    Hi Esteemed,

    I am sorry to hear that you felt isolated when you were a little girl. That must have felt very confusing and you must have felt unimportant and not heard….
    You are important to all of us here!
    You are heard by us here.
    We understand what you are going through and we all have good suggestions that you can listen to and you have the will and the innerwisdom to adapt to a behavior that is in your highest interest.

  346.  #346Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Mocha how about experimenting with Okay or You’re right inside of being commited to it going “out the window”. You know it normally does so why not use that as your speech if you can’t come up with one.

    I heard Rori in Reconnect talk about a woman who gave her speech and then became so nauseous that at the the end of the speech she told him “I am going to the bathroom now to throw up”. He was so moved he ran behind her to the bathroom to work things out. You might be holding yourself together too brilliantly?

  347.  #347Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:31 am

    RE 345 You’re right “instead” of being

  348.  #348Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 10:36 am

    @ FW #337

    My boundaries are to not be ill treated – ignored, booty call, respected, appreciated. My intentions around my boundaries are for me to be able to take of myself when someone wants to cross them.

    When we are not arguing I feel soo good and loved – when we are arguing I feel like a child

    Yes when we talk I know that I am a woman with high self esteem and self-worth. I do feel that sometims it may come across to others as aggressive.

  349.  #349Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:39 am

    One of my new neighbors is an elderly priest. An ambulance was at his door a couple nights ago, and I have felt worried about him. Just now I saw him out on the street, and I went running around, holding a blanket to my chest to cover my bralessness.

    Just as I went inside, I became aware that I am still wearing my pajamas! LOL! I was thinking I had on jeans and a shirt.

  350.  #350Laughing Goddess on December 30, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Esteemed: I was thinking of you when I got the email from Margaret Paul I posted above. It sounds like she is addressing the underlying causes of food addiction just like you were talking about earlier.

    I feel really appreciative of what Margaret Paul teaches. I first learned about her from a guest article she posted here.

    I feel drawn to taking the first two free weeks of the teleclass. I don’t have a problem with overeating, I have a problem with undereating. But I think there is still an emotional component to it, in the sense that I am avoiding nurturing and self-care.

    Anyway, I would love to take it with you if you are interested.

  351.  #351Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:41 am


    RE: #341 – I would feel heard if you were to read my full post. I feel invalidated when someone won’t even read my words. I wrote nothing caustic toward you.

  352.  #352Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Mochaberry my boundaries are:

    I don’t drive to men. I only have sex in a committed relationship. I don’t answer calls after 10 p.m. I don’t do “hang out” with men who have withdrawn and come back, I only do proper dates.

    Can you see how these are about me as opposed to yours that seem to be focussed on his behavior? If so would you feel comfortable looking at them again for clarity for yourself? One of Rori’s that I have heard is that she would drop a man who is flirting on line with live women.

  353.  #353Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 10:42 am


    RE: #343 – Thank you, how sweet! Yes, that is how I felt in childhood and beyond.

  354.  #354FlowerChild77 on December 30, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I know I haven’t been posting for a long time and probably shouldn’t just be ‘dropping in’ for help in a crisis feeling situation….but this is the only place (and you are the only people) who would understand.

    My gf’s would shame me for still even being with this man (even though we both have changed and Rori’s tools and “third way” have really improved the relationship—though, perhaps, not enough.) So I just don’t talk to them much anymore. And they haven’t got good relationships with men—YET, they “poo-poo” encouraging things I’ve said about Rori, her programs or this blog, so I can’t really take any “advice” or opinions they have seriously, anyway.

    And any mutual friends I’ve made over the years with him—I’m not sure I can trust them not to blab or gossip. So personal stuff is never a topic of discussion with them.

    He told me last night (after I carefully tried to explain why I haven’t given my notice and why I haven’t moved there yet) to just, “Find a better man” and hung up. In some surreal way, it almost made sense.

    It probably seems like I haven’t made any progress and that I’m still harping on the same stuff…and maybe you feel almost like ‘why bother’ if I’m not going anywhere or getting anything accomplished—but I have learned a lot and I AM further along. I just am stuck with this issue and now it has reached a point where I have to make some serious decisions.

    I will say that I’m very tired of the drama with him. It seems that there is ALWAYS some crisis and it’s ALWAYS more important than me. Right now, yes, I suppose losing the house is very important…but I’m so weary of always being in the background, always being a bit player. And even now that it’s come to this….he’s still not hearing or “getting” what it is that *I* need.

    I cannot go back to that house/relationship unless EVERYTHING is different. I need to feel secure and like I am important…like I deserve the best. Legally, his estranged sisters are his next of kin and the beneficiary on his union pension is his EXgf who ended the LT relationship many, many years ago and has been married to another man for over a decade.

    I just need some feedback and support. I need to hear that I am not being ridiculous or petty or selfish. And that I’m not taking a chance of throwing away something wonderful just to be “right” or because I’m being ‘bossy’ and trying to be in charge.

    As I’ve said, I try to stay in my girl energy, but he is SO clueless sometimes that if I don’t say what’s on my mind, I’d only have myself to blame for being vague and not communicating. BUT, at the same time I feel like these things should come from him.

    I have the Toxic Men program and he falls on the borderline between “clueless” and “difficult.” He does have a lot of good qualities. I ordered LoveScripts months ago and have used what I learned and have seen great results. There just seems to be this brick wall I/we can’t get past and I’m getting very discouraged and tired of trying.

    He said he’d do anything he had to to get me back. I have a beautiful diamond ring and thought that was going to be a new beginning…that he finally felt I was important and WORTH caring about. Right now, all I feel like he cares about is his OWN situation. (Please understand that I do NOT take lightly the fact that he may lose the house—in so many ways it is MY house too. Not legally—but I have invested countless hours/years of sweat equity and a considerable amount of finances over the years. I don’t want him to lose it either. I love that house.)

    Sorry for rambling on and on…I’m feeling desperate and anxious. I’m going to go meditate now to try and balance my emotions so I can think more clearly instead of just going around in circles in my brain. It’s making me dizzy….

    Thank you for listening. It’s encouraging to read all of your stories and I can FEEL your strength and your commitment to your own healing and growth. Whether I post often, or not, I think of you all daily and remember you in my prayers/meditations.

  355.  #355FlowerChild77 on December 30, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Also….I kind of feel like even if he DID finally understand and take care of the paperwork and straighten things out….I don’t know if it would mean what it’s supposed to “mean” (that he cherishes me and cares about what happens to me, wants me to feel secure and safe, etc.) because I’ve had to “explain” and nicely “nag” about it to this extent.

    I feel like it’s already ‘ruined’ or somewhat meaningless on an emotional/spiritual level because it isn’t important to him—only to me. 🙁

  356.  #356Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 10:57 am

    FlowerChild this is going to be tough so don’t read it if your are not open to hearing my opnion,

    ” I need to hear that I am not being ridiculous or petty or selfish. And that I’m not taking a chance of throwing away something wonderful just to be “right” or because I’m being ‘bossy’ and trying to be in charge.” If this is what you want to hear then tell yourself that. Don’t ask for opinions and then decide what the opinion should be. (Very harsh voice, tone, vibe etc I know)

    Now ask yourself what is more important the house or the relationship? It seems like you are invested in being right and making him wrong.

    ” cannot go back to that house/relationship unless EVERYTHING is different”. It has to be his idea to make it different. He can be your puppet on a string where you fix him/things when necessary but will that really make you happy?

    I am not even sure what needs to be different. You want him to take off the girlfriend’s name? Do you want the names on the deed for the house changed? It is not clear what is happening.

  357.  #357Lizka on December 30, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Ahhh ladies! I am finaly enjoying my vacation. Right now, I’m on Worth Avenue in West Palm Beach, in a very BCBG restaurant, all by myself and having a salad and a glass of white wine. Yay to dating myself!! Shopping in the very expensive stores even thought I know I can’t afford to buy anything. Might go to the beach later. It’s hot and sunny.

    I love beeing here on this terrasse with all of you. Cheers to you sirens! xoxo

  358.  #358Starla on December 30, 2011 at 11:07 am

    349 Esteemed,
    I read it just for you 🙂

    I believe what you’re saying, but i take issue with the logic. You said

    “For the homeless people you help, you could go to them and say, “Look, dude, if you would just quit drinking and shooting drugs, you could afford a home and food.” And it would be true. But the drug addict and alcoholic has deeper seated problems than homelessness, drinking, and drugging. He is in deep pain, and he is anesthetizing his pain. So he needs inner healing first. In the meantime, you are very kind to provide them blankets.”

    Yeah, and I’m sure as hell not providing them with alcohol or heroin!!

    In this way, my constant reminders to use Rori’s tools, and not tolerate ‘excuses’, are the blanket. All I want is for you to not freeze to death.

    I could give you alcohol (i.e., “permission” to lean forward and overfunction and not use the tools), but it will only keep you feeling warm for a little while, and it won’t stop you from actually freezing death.

    Esteemed, you are so good at finding analogies…I really admire that about you. But I don’t want to exchange analogies because it’s so “heady,” and i’m trying to stay out of my head.

    Not cuz I’m an airhead, but because I’m truly the opposite. A brainiac. I have a Mensa IQ myself. Mensa’s gotten me nowhere in matters of the heart, hehe.

  359.  #359Starla on December 30, 2011 at 11:10 am

    woohoo lizka that sounds so nice:)

  360.  #360Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 11:11 am

    I believe heavy debating is very masculine energy.

    There is a proverb in the Bi*ble that suggests that a man you give help to will always need help.

    Sometimes you just have to allow people to come to their senses on their own, like the prodigal son.

  361.  #361Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Laughing Goddess,

    RE: #350 – How very sweet and thoughtful of you! I would love to! I just listened to her introductory video, and she talked a lot about “managing our feelings”. I think it is interesting that is what I started out talking about this morning!

    So I went to order the first two free weeks, for $7.95 for shipping and handling, and it requires a paypal account. I will need to work that out. I have a paypal account, but I have some account complications right now with my main checking account. I need to keep moving right now, but I will figure out how to pay that tomorrow.

    Thanks again!

  362.  #362Starla on December 30, 2011 at 11:12 am

    btw esteemed, i didn’t avoid reading it because i feared you’d be caustic. i just didn’t need you to prove or convince me that you felt bad.

    you do a lot of convincing with all of us and definitely with ryan, which is an attraction killer, so i wanted to give you the gift of just apologizing for making you feel bad, without needing to be “convinced” that your feelings matter.

    love you.

  363.  #363Starla on December 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

    360: Femininewoman says:

    I believe heavy debating is very masculine energy.

    Me too!!

  364.  #364Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:15 am


    RE: #358 – You make me laugh! Thanks for being sweet with me. I love you!

  365.  #365Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:18 am

    About Analogies:

    I hear what you are saying about analogies being in the head. I like to use them because it sometimes helps people get out of their emotional attachment to a particular viewpoint to see it more objectively from a nonthreatening viewpoint.

    And besides, a slight inclination of the cranium is equivalent to an eclipse of the optic to an equine quadruped devoid of visionary capacity, LOL!

  366.  #366Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:19 am


    For real for real, I would much rather talk about penises. Chuckling!

  367.  #367Starla on December 30, 2011 at 11:19 am

    I practice intellectually debating with my very good girl friend who is living with me right now, in a soft way. Usually CF is around, so I am conscious of how aggressive I’m being. He actually said to me that he noticed how gentle I am in debating her about something political, even when she’s dead wrong and has her facts all wrong. That felt like a very nice compliment. I wish I could be like that allll the time hehe

  368.  #368Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:21 am


    RE: #362 – Thank you, yes, convincing is another behavior I want to heal from. You are correct.

  369.  #369Lizka on December 30, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Ahhh im all alone in this restaurant, about to leave, my glass of wine is over for about 5 minutes. The waiter comes to my table and fill up my glass (I have already pay!!!) and says ” just a little splash, you’re on vacation right?”. So cute. And so good for my self confidence!! So I accepted the love, made my more beautiful smile and thank him. What a great day!!

  370.  #370Liz on December 30, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Esteemed and LG
    If you click on my name in my posts, it will bring you to my website, where you can get info on eating and weight loss, etc.

  371.  #371Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Lizka I feel happy to see you have found ways to enjoy your vacation and take care of yourself.

  372.  #372Kyla on December 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Ooooh that sounds wonderful Lizka 🙂

    Enjoy xx

  373.  #373Liz on December 30, 2011 at 11:30 am

    glad to hear you are having fun in florida!

  374.  #374Lizka on December 30, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Awwwww! Thank you all ladies!!

    Esteemed I have read just some of your post. Hope you are doing fine. Wondering for you.


  375.  #375Liz on December 30, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I used to feel the best wandering in the woods when I was a girl also.
    I just had a moment here where I wanted to reach out to accountantCD. My son who is sick wants me to play cards and I find lots of reasons not to. Then I finally sit down with him and I start to have these feelings, totally not in present time.

    I feel aroused in my vagina.
    I feel tenseness in my third chakra.
    I feel scared and panicky.
    I feel defensive and feel just like winning.

    It took me about five minutes to feel the feelings in a quiet way, while playing cards with my son, to understand that I was having a flashback to my childhood. And while I was feeling these feelings, I wanted to lean forward and get support from accountantCD.
    Wow, what a great awareness.
    I am feeling good letting go of wanting a relationship with him.
    I feel committed to loving myself more than I love any man or anybody.

  376.  #376Daria on December 30, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Mmm I felt treated bad by CD taking me home early

    Now cuz of other CDs I can see how this feels bad . I don’t wana tolerate ot

  377.  #377Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:39 am


    RE: #370 – Thank you! I will check it out when I have time! Nice looking website at a glance. If you don’t mind, I might suggest a response offering on your home page, where a person can give their name and email address for a free article or what-have-you. It is something I learned from a website and marketing specialist.

    I am neglecting things I NEED to do today. I really have to go now! At least I am getting some laundry done and my bedroom cleaned.

  378.  #378Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:41 am


    RE: #375 – Sounds like healthy, healing processing! I am with you. I’m changing the channel to yet a new chapter of my new life in my new year!

  379.  #379Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:43 am

    I will not give my picture of Ryan to Ryan. It would be an act of convincing to give it to him. I will wait until a moment in the future when he seems receptive.

    I feel so tempted to give it to him. I gave him a book to help him with his healing as a Christmas gift on Christmas Eve. He accidentally left it in my car, and then asked about it the next day. I am going to either give it to him or mail it to him, depending on if he shows at church in the next week or so. If I send it, it feels so tempting to give him my picture, but I won’t.


    No, not appropriate.

  380.  #380Liz on December 30, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Thanks so much for responding to my posts. Thanks for sharing how you redirect your focus back on to yourself.
    I see now how extra vigilant I need to be in every moment if I want to shift this.
    I don’t ever want to go back to wanting someone so bad that is not willing to give me what I want.
    I feel so secure in myself that even though I have been fantasizing about accountantCD entering me, I chose my own feelings over the thrill of sex….
    this is a new feeling….
    I feel good.

  381.  #381Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:45 am

    I am free to fly out of the cage. I don’t need to be trapped in the patterns of my past.

  382.  #382Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:46 am


    RE: #380 – What you said reminds me of something Daria wrote once that I found delightful. She said she wants to be a pillow that a man falls into…lingam first! 😆

  383.  #383Liz on December 30, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Great idea not to give him the picture. I wouldn’t worry too much about the book either. Don’t put energy his way at all. If he wants the book, he will come get it, right? It is not your responsibility… gave it to him once already….

    I don’t understand what you wrote me about my website…..I love getting feedback, so when you have some more time, not today, since you are going to get things done, how would I do that?

  384.  #384Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:51 am

    I feel scared to leave the blog. I don’t trust myself to not text him.

  385.  #385Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 11:57 am


    RE: #383 – Click on Dominique’s name in one of the threads. Observe her overall website setup. It has a blank for a response. That is how you build your business.

    Another thing I’ll throw out, in case you are interested…when you are running a holistic type of business like yours, you are fundamentally selling yourself. Therefore, it is very wise and valuable to post a video of yourself informally talking on your home page. It doesn’t need to be professional or polished at all, You might post the same video on youtube with a link to your site, as youtube gets high exposure and someone might more easily stumble on it.

    Statistically, people are far quicker to click on a vid than read an article. Statistically, you have about 4 seconds for them to glance at your home page before deciding whether to move on or not.

    Facebook is also a powerful marketing tool. Check out the facebook page of Jonathon Aslay, a relationship coach who has been a guest on Rori’s blog. He is a master at using FB as a marketing tool. I find myself spending more time on his page than anywhere else on FB!

    I am forcing myself to shut down my computer.

  386.  #386Daria on December 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    FeminineWoman – omg! I’m feeling all yellow and chicken baby soft reading that hehe!

    That feels so exciting and inspiring to read thanks! 😀

  387.  #387Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Sorry but “I gave him a book to help him with his healing as a Christmas gift on Christmas Eve. He accidentally left it in my car” is very telling. I have heard Rori on Reconnect saying this knd of thing will cause him to have feelings of “friendship” towards you but you will lose his heart bit by bit. This is trying to fix the man because he is not good enough for you. She says if the man right in front of you is not good enough for you then you are rejecting him. You have to accept the man just as he is otherwise he cannot fall in love.

  388.  #388Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Omgosh – esteemed I relate… Your thought pattern reminds me of when I have these fantasies that are all about leaning forward and offering myself to a man full and raw


    Sometimes I do step forward and do it and it often doesn’t feel good after when the man doesnt take Over the wave like i would want – nausea

    I feel glad for the creative energy and the passion and the Daring of it… Mars energy … Hmm

  389.  #389Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Daria you are funny ” I’m feeling all yellow and chicken baby soft reading that hehe!”??? This I have to try on to see what happens. Wow.

  390.  #390Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Se that energy to dare to open up

    And to put myself out there exposed in front of many men – instead of the one

    And I habe manifested the fantasy w him when he comes closer

  391.  #391Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Feminine woman – mm I want to script feelings w color now

    My tummy Feeling green an gurgly. Lol

  392.  #392Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    I can relax my tight nervous energy now just by imagining it expanding out from the centerline of me throughout… My body relaxes… Whew

    Cuz sonetimes I feel tight even sick on that midline not getting enough sleep or feeling sexually tense

    Now I am able to notice the root chakra/ nervous system/ midline and expand the energy out, let it waft and flow like star power supernova

  393.  #393Laughing Goddess on December 30, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Esteemed: When you feel an uncontrollable urge to lean forward, watching this video of Rori might help.

  394.  #394Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    A friend just past earlier in a mint green sweater and I was tempted to tell her that I felt all juicy and luscious looking at her and feeling like a chocolate mint patty.

  395.  #395Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:20 pm


    RE: #387 – Yes, I gave up and am back on the blog. Giving up on anything I need to do other than baking for tonight’s party, laundry, and housework.

    It is a little different here. He has been very open with me about his schizophrenia from 2009 on. He has asked me for support in many ways, many times. He has thanked me for support in many ways, many times, saying there are few people he can talk with about it, because it is a very deep issue, and he feels easily misunderstood, even by professionals.

    I got him the book, signed by its author, who Ryan and I went to meet in June 2009 in New York City and had a private session with. I have held onto the book since September, at a time when we were not connecting too well. I asked him about a week ago if he would like the book, and he said yes.

    So we were totally on the same page with it.

    And yes, here I am convincing again. I feel frustrated, misunderstood, and judged.

  396.  #396Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    ‘Why would they want to chase me if I am running away from them? ‘.

    They just do.

    I want to heal this too… The fear that they don’t want to.

    They do.

    It’s safe to backup

    It’s safe to backup more

    I won’t lose

    I can backup to the wall

    That is good

  397.  #397Liz on December 30, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    I am talking now to a customer service rep from my emailmarketing service… i supposed to be practicing feeling messages? How do i get to feeling and follow all these instructions?

  398.  #398Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    BTW, Liz, I am going to hold off regiving him the book, as you suggested, and let him ask for it when he is ready.

  399.  #399Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Wow this feels embarrassing to share I actually felt turned on like expanding vagina imagining feeling like a chocolate mint patty

    Yes!!! New secret language words woo hoo

  400.  #400Hopeful on December 30, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    I just have to post this. I felt such huge love for my husband yesterday, and it felt so good.

    I heard about this spritual, “journey of the soul” seminar and really want to go. My husband is not into anything “new age” and does not like to hear about it. He is just a practical, grounded kind of guy. So I was afraid that he would not want me to go to the seminar.

    So I talked to him about it, and gave him a little over view, and said, do you care if I go. And he said, Sure, if you want to go, then do it.

    Geez. Overflowing happiness feeling messages came out of me. And it was kinda funny. He wondered why I would even wonder if he would care if I went. He said it would be a completely different story if I asked him to go. And that was funny.

    Then I thought about it more, and I wasn’t so worried that he would say no, because I went to a workshop like this once before, and he said, go ahead and go, I just don’t want to discuss it afterwords. So I complied and all was fine.

    I realized that my real fear was about this seminar driving a wedge between us, and clearly it is not. He is sort of surprised at how happy I was that he was fine with me going.

    And when we were watching streaming netflix last night, I looked over at him and just smiled. And he wondered what that was about. I said I am just so happy that you said yes.

    So he got 1000 husband points for supporting me. And I get to go! Yay for me.

    Feeling very loved and happy.

  401.  #401Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:22 pm


    RE: #397 – “I would feel so happy if you could please do such and such…”

  402.  #402Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:24 pm


    RE: #399 – LOL ! I just love how you express yourself! You’re awesome!

  403.  #403Liz on December 30, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    I just dug deep and started using feeling messages as he talked me through how to add contacts and it shifted the vibe so much!!!!!
    Previously I would have been in masculine energy and trying to demonstrate how competent I was at following instructions……I just really was appreciating his directions and he sounded so happy AND i started to feel aroused…..
    I am such a vixen…

  404.  #404Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Wow Liz!

  405.  #405Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:31 pm


    RE: #403 – LOL!

  406.  #406Starla on December 30, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    384 Esteemed

    then don’t leave us. we’re ALWAYS here for you for when you need to stop yourself from leaning forward. just spam spam spam away. How do you think I get good results in my own love life? Because I spam the eff out of this blog instead of doing things that will damage his attraction towards me, lol! It’s funny but true.

    Love you girls!

  407.  #407Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I feel awful and small and sad and choked that t-man CD took me home early

    This is what I didn’t want, I checked beforehand if I’d be bald to sleep till the afternoon

    And since there was a ride available he sent me early

    I feel so
    Small and powerless and unheard

    And angry and blank over

    W ‘not making a big deal’


    I don’t want to feel that way.. Unworthy

    Ugh I feel furious and it feel so small and numbed out

    I just Know I’m furious I barely feel it

    I feel sad

    Sad and humiliated and

    Pattern to make it ok don’t want it to be true this icky mistreatment not caring about me

    And from past experience thinking I’ll reach out to this man again


    I don’t want to


    Love to me

    And yah for boundaries about being touched when it’s pulling my energy vs when it’s giving to me

    I don’t feel like I can handle all this anger

    I just want to honor it

    I’m open to healing all these feelings

    Ever since I stopped going over to his house – ice had better dates and felt comf. Receiving more

    Wow I feel mad!

    I love my anger!

    Mm slow moving lava

    I want to honor that I’m feeling it from big toes inner thighs buttocks Lowe back throat and cheeks

  408.  #408FlowerChild77 on December 30, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    FW….Thank you for responding. No, it’s not that the house is more important to me than the relationship. But I feel as though it is to him.

    He talks of leaving if he loses the house, as though there is no relationship with me outside of it. I feel invisible to him unless I am there in that house. I feel VERY unsure of his commitment to me when he says he will just take off and leave (that is, alone…nothing about me.)

    Let me ask you….would you give up the security of what you have to move in with a man who is more concerned with his exgf’s needs/future than yours? Would you feel safe and cherished and loved with a man who is OK with the fact that if something were to happen to him, you would be out on the street and have to start all over alone? I don’t know how old you are, but I’m going to be 52 this year and I worry about the future.

    It doesn’t help that our closest neighbor (over half a mile away) fell off his roof and lay in the yard for three weeks before someone found him…dead. He had no will, no trust, no legal papers whatsoever. It is rumored that he wanted his house to go to his older brother, but with no paperwork it is likely the state will take ownership of the house and property. (This is a very small rural community, so it’s not hard to learn what’s going on.)

    Would you feel OK about contributing, working, paying and taking care of a house that you had no legal right to and might possibly end up belonging to some other woman? I had hoped all these years that, at some point, he would feel I was deserving of some security. Most women get this without having to “pay for it” for years and years and years first. Everything I did or gave was out of love, out of feeling like it was the right thing to do. I don’t regret any of it, but now it just seems foolish…like it was all for nothing. He doesn’t even recognize it.

    I guess I’m feeling triggered because now I’m “explaining” again. Maybe I don’t deserve what I thought I did. How do other women just ‘get’ this respect and love? I wonder what it would feel like to be cherished and loved so much.

    All my life, I’ve not felt worthy enough to expect anything much for myself. I was always told that I needed to stick up for myself and respect myself more.

    I can’t tell you how hard I’ve worked at using FM’s and at not blaming him or making him wrong. I really have. What he is offering is for me to be a live in girlfriend (again) and for me to continue to contribute to his property, his house and his investment. Does this sound fair or loving to you?

    I hope I don’t sound rude. I don’t mean to be. I’m just surprised that maybe I am SO totally wrong. Maybe I haven’t made as much progress as I thought I did. It’s better to know the truth so I can stop feeling like I am supposed to be important in this.

    Right now I feel like I haven’t “paid” enough, yet. I haven’t “earned” enough respect to be loved and cherished like other women, wives are. I’m quite confused.

    Thank you for responding and letting me know that I am way off, here. No wonder he’s angry and wouldn’t hesitate to take off and just leave without me.

    I still can’t give up my life for uncertainty…but at least I can work on understanding that I’m wrong about how important I think I should be. Perhaps I can save myself from making an even bigger fool of myself and stop wanting/expecting things I have no right to and don’t deserve.

    No wonder he doesn’t get it…..

  409.  #409Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    @ FW #346 & 347

    Yes I will begin expirementing with saying OK and you’re right to avoid things going out the window – I appreciate him being able to share his feelings I just get frustrated when it goes back to the same thing.

  410.  #410Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Ohh yesterday I made anew tool it was ‘Feeling my joys’

    I was thinking how I am my Likes (and actually how I’m more than that)

    And thinking of things I like to just kinda squeeze em and remember them

    Like my earrings and just.. Whatever I like

    Cuz I’m like a lil piece of everything, if I like it I add it to the collection of me

    And for me I changed the word ‘values’ to joys

    So I was really feeling my joys and I could feel my heart warm

    And it felt good! Like a heart exercise – I’ve dnem before but I didn’t get such an in tube feeling like I did w this joys tool

    So thinking I could do that throughout the day and then train me to feel more joy more ofte!


    I intend that!

  411.  #411Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    I am going to bake a cake. I am not going to bake a cake because I feel like it, but because it is a domestic activity that is supposed to feel fun and perhaps it will stop me from feeling like a puke green, dry face mask that needs to be peeled and washed off quick before it freezes into place forever.

    I am going to bake a cake and choose to shift my mood. I refuse to sink back into the blackness of depression. I refuse to text Ryan. I choose happy thoughts so happy feelings will follow.

  412.  #412Starla on December 30, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    I have so many NV’s bouncing around in my head. For example, CF called me just now, so I was telling him about this and that, just feeling good taking a break and rambling on about my world… and then i caught myself, and i said “oooh i am rambling!”

    he said he just loves my rambling and that he loves hearing my brain spout off and that i have a cute voice, so it’s win-win.

    I guess if you’re falling in love w someone you will love their rambling, huh? I love his! But my NV’s say “he is thinking you are dumb and boring and won’t stfu!”

    silly NV’s.

    I gotta get them to behave.

  413.  #413Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Ettiquette question:

    My neighbor is an elderly, semi-retired, Catholic priest. He introduced himself as “Roy” when I first moved in.

    How should I address him if I am not Catholic?

  414.  #414Starla on December 30, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Hopeful, I feel so good seeing you appreciate your husband, and seeing him support you!

  415.  #415Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Wow also Tman cd was telling me how he likes waking up to me cuz I have natural beauty

    And iwakin feels funwaking up to someone you feel turned on by /attracted to

    And if he could have that everyday then life would be good.

    Font I think so?

    So I said wow I didn’t think if that and actually think that that won’t happen for me – me wake up to someone that turns me on everyday

    I realized I believed that and wow!

    How fun it Will be to wake up to that in my day, omg do energizing exciting, feeling cool and visible and on top of the world and important

    Wow I want this and feel happy to notice and intend it 🙂

  416.  #416Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I imagined I’d feel spaced out and bored while my husband loves me and caters to me

    Realizing I don’t hsve to feel that way

    I can feel the way I do when an attractive mans in the room… Energized and malty and like I’m in a movie – living life thrilling

  417.  #417Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    I think men are really attracted when another mans scent or sperm or whatever is on me lol

    Men love their women covered w cum

    The. It like kicks in like oh compete me get my genes in

    Cuz I didn’t wash my neck from other cd kidding and Tman cd is all like ong u smell do good lol.

    I noticed that w other men and given going out after sex seems men are powerfully drawn

  418.  #418Daria on December 30, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Esteemed – wow I felt good reading about feeling like a face mask

    Somehow this language really opens me up

    Thank u to you and feminine woman for inspiring me to see that.

    I feel all steely and gray and flat and some fuzzy steel wool

  419.  #419Mochaberri on December 30, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    @FW # 352

    I love your boundaries and they are similar to mine. To me I feel they are for more applicable to new men that I meet. I tell them I don’t take calls after 10 pm, I don’t meet men for drinks on the first date, I don’t have sex without being in a committed relationship. I tell those that I’ve dated and have gotten married and want to keep in touch that I don’t keep in touch with ex’s that are married unless we have common friends and we are getting together with them in a group setting.

    My boundaries for this guy are a bit different and please don’t take this as making excuses, but we have a long history and were actually in a committed relationship so those boundaries are different. I told him that I will nto tolerate not having my calls acknowledged, jsut coming over to have sex and paying for dates, and that I do not remain friends with my ex’s.

  420.  #420Liz on December 30, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    sorry about your date sending you home early….
    i feel so inspired reading your posts about becoming aware of the messages about husbands….now you are going to shift that!
    I intend to have a marriage where I am excited to wake up next to my husband every day. And excited to keep him from falling to sleep at night….

  421.  #421Liz on December 30, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Tell us how the cake came out.
    What flavor?

  422.  #422Radiance on December 30, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Esteemed: Roy. For sure.

  423.  #423Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    I feel more normal after making the cake. It is now baking. It has literally been years since I baked a cake, and I don’t even remember the last time. I used a “Funfetti” white cake mix with colorful specks in the mix, along with pudding. I am going to top it with real whipped cream and maybe colored granulated sugar sprinkles to match the festive cake. My party starts at 7, and it’s a little after 4 now.

    I stripped my bed and washed all the bedding, along with other laundry. I am in the process of washing dishes. Maybe I didn’t get things done like grocery shopping and swimming, but I was semi-productive. I feel like a heroin addict on withdrawal. I even feel shaky.

  424.  #424Liz on December 30, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I need some support….

    the last few emails I had with accountantCD I really told him how I felt, how hard it was to have this attraction and be left aroused and wanting and having to take care of myself again…
    then he wrote me back that right now we should just be friends, since he valued me as a deep friend and a client.
    And that he wanted to keep his personal relationship with gf and his decision to date other people on match to himself.

    And I just got on match and he had viewed my profile 3 days ago, so i always got to see his smiling face….but it was missing today… he hid his profile or took it off match……
    i need to make my son soup and bring my focus back to myself..
    well, this is the first time today i am starting to miss him, i feel such a deep connection to him….maybe he listened to what i said to him in the last email, where i said that he was an old soul and other people could have sex on the side, but it wouldn’t work for him, it would not make him happy. i know that was giving advice and i feel like kicking myself for saying that….

    this is such a learning process…..
    I can’t believe he took himself off match! maybe he actually listened to me and is just going to deal with his relationship…..or he found someone to have sex with…..
    I better sign off and play some music and do some cooking and check my son’s fever….

    I just want to email him and ask him what he thought of the last email I sent him……

    I am missing him…..
    I feel a constriction in my heart chakra.
    I feel like a little girl.
    My little girl feels like her dad is not available most of the time and then he becomes available in a scary way…..

  425.  #425Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 1:12 pm


    RE: #422 – Thank you!

  426.  #426Radiance on December 30, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    My skeleton is sexy. I have a long, beautiful frame. I was just doing cat cow pose and imagining my flesh and muscle moved away and just seeing the beautiful fluid bending of my spine, flexing and extending, flexing and extending with grace and deliciousness and with my skull smiling.

    I talked to my discs and sent them love for being cushiony and well-hydrated.

  427.  #427Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 1:14 pm


    RE: #424

  428.  #428Senior Lady Vibe on December 30, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    @87: Daria says:
    “…Wow SLV. Garland sounds awesome!…”

    Thanks for the ‘awesome’ remarks, Daria. It was easy; I made it while I was watching a movie on TV.

    No pattern needed. Just string all rings on yarn, make a chain and then one row of single crochet, crocheting a ring on every few stitches.

  429.  #429elle_emm on December 30, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    listening to margaret lynch.

    i so have a vow to get even! with my dad.

    i so have a vow to not be vulnerable. i feel frustrated and scared that i will never know how to be vulnerable.

    i will never not be mad at someone. i do feel like i’ve been battling my whole life.

    i feel scared i’ll disappear or be abused if i don’t keep my guard up.

    i feel like throwing up.

  430.  #430Senior Lady Vibe on December 30, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    @164: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…Can menopause make a woman act differently? Like really negative and paranoid?
    Thanks ladies. I could really use some help on this…”

    I have some experience there. I suspect you mean perimenopause which is the big imbalance that occurs over time (could be ten years or so) until menopause.

    Note: although the phrase “going through menopause” is often used (even by doctors 😳 ) a woman does not go “through” menopause, she enters it, for the rest of her life. But a woman does “go through perimenopause”, frequently a time of discomforts and mood swings comparable to super PMS!!!

    I recommend books by Elizabeth Vliet, MD or for good info that is written for a popular audience but still medically researched: Suzanne Somers’s books.

    Beware of the websites devoted to “answering questions about menopause.” They are often geared to people who don’t know about menopause and will easily accept sales pages.

    I started my research on the subject years ago and since then there have been many developments. I started with a book (now outdated) that my twenty years older office mate recommended. Later was very helpful. If you are between 35 and 40 it’s not too soon for hormone baseline blood tests; you could do it earlier too.

    Read everything with a critical eye.

  431.  #431Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 1:24 pm


    RE: #418 – Thank you! My face mask feeling message was inspired by you! LOL! You rock! So often your playful humor makes me laugh!

  432.  #432Senior Lady Vibe on December 30, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    @148: FlowerChild77 says:
    “…I need to hear that I’m doing the right thing and that I am worth sticking up for even if it’s me sticking up for myself”

    FC, you are doing the right thing sticking up for yourself. You are worth it.

    “…I’m trying to keep myself busy and focused on myself. I got out my drawing stuff and signed up for an online drawing class…”

    Yay! Fabulous.

    @FC @Daria @Esteemed

    I posted this link last year and here it is again. There are usually a lot of resources on the website too. Enjoy.

  433.  #433Iamabutterfly on December 30, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Hi, everyone. I’m new to this community, and I finally felt brave enough to speak up. It would feel good to learn new skills and support energy conservation! I feel like living in a place like that would feel kind of scary, since I’m shy, but I feel like it would also feel really good to be with a group of people striving towards the same goal. (Kind of like church, but living so close together would feel even better!)

  434.  #434Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Oh! I forgot to be the soft, warm, sandy beach since Christmas Eve, slipping back into old behavior. I just remembered the sandy beach. I am a sandy beach.

    And I just thot of another visualization…a man is like a long chain. If you want to move a chain, you don’t PUSH it. The links collapse and it just falls into a heap and won’t go anywhere. A chain has to be pulled.

    Every analogy breaks down somewhere, but perhaps pulling the chain would look like being a lighthouse, softly, warmly inviting him into my heart, to come my direction.

  435.  #435Laughing Goddess on December 30, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Thanks SLV, for the info and also for explaining the proper terminology.

    I looked up ‘menopause paranoia’ and apparently it is a somewhat normal phenomena.

    I felt so scared seeing her like that. She would turn everyone’s innocent gestures into something malicious.

    I felt scared seeing my mother like that. I felt like I didn’t even know her.

    I hope she feels better soon.

    She just turned 57 and has been going through perimenopause for a while. I suspect she just recently went through the change and is now in menopause.

    (did I say that right?)

    Thanks again!

  436.  #436Laughing Goddess on December 30, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Esteemed: Did you see that interview I posted with Rori?

  437.  #437Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 1:49 pm


    I feel like a dare squish!~ LOL (a spoonerism)

  438.  #438Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 1:59 pm


    S and I had two great days..on Christmas I was feeling off about us…I wrote in my journal…that I want to be sexually satisfied..

    well…I spent the night at his house the night before last..we had a GREAT evening..I felt exhausted so I went to sleep early…

    and he went through my stuff and read my journal 🙁

    he started asking my at 3 am if I was sexually satisfied..I asked where this was coming from…we were happy when I went to sleep so something must have happened during the time I was sleeping and he was awake..

    I asked him in the morning if he read my journal..he said he did…I expressed that I felt totally violated.

    I feel totally turned off… 🙁

  439.  #439Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Jilly the poor man seems to be focussed on making you happy to the point of finding out what he needs to know to make you happy. He obviously felt something and knew that you were not fully open, otherwise why would he have looked in your journal. This is a lesson that you have to be miscroscopically truthful and totally authentic.

  440.  #440Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Laughing Goddess,

    RE: #435 – Yes, thank you. I love Rori so much!

  441.  #441Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Mochaberri as per Rori boundaries are rules we make up for ourselves. The focus has to be off the man’s behavior.

  442.  #442Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    When I am not around Ryan, I put myself together and feel together.

    When I am around Ryan, I fall apart.

  443.  #443Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Today I feel this song by Bob Dylan,

    Never Gonna Be the Same

    Now you’re here beside me baby You’re a living dream And every time you get this close It makes me want to scream
    You touched me and you knew That I was warm for you and then I ain’t never gonna be the same again
    Come on baby Sorry if I hurt you, baby Sorry if I did Sorry if I touched the place Where your secrets are hid
    But you meant more than everything And I could not pretend I ain’t never gonna be the same again
    Come on baby [ From: ] Come on honey
    You give me something to think about, baby Every time I see you Don’t worry baby, I don’t mind leaving I’d just like it to be my idea
    You taught me how to love you, baby An’ you taught me oh so well Now, I can’t go back to what was baby I can’t unring the bell
    You took my reality and cast it to the wind And I ain’t never gonna be the same again
    Come on baby, come on, darlin’ You’re too hot, darlin’ Come on baby, come on, honey You’re my baby, you’re my honey You got it baby, come on baby

  444.  #444Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Today I feel this song by Bob Dylan,

    Never Gonna Be the Same Again

    Now you’re here beside me baby You’re a living dream
    And every time you get this close It makes me want to scream
    You touched me and you knew
    That I was warm for you and then I ain’t never gonna be the same again
    Come on baby
    Sorry if I hurt you, baby Sorry if I did
    Sorry if I touched the place
    Where your secrets are hid
    But you meant more than everything
    And I could not pretend
    I ain’t never gonna be the same again
    Come on baby
    Come on honey
    You give me something to think about, baby
    Every time I see you
    Don’t worry baby, I don’t mind leaving
    I’d just like it to be my idea
    You taught me how to love you, baby
    An’ you taught me oh so well
    Now, I can’t go back to what was baby
    I can’t unring the bell
    You took my reality and cast it to the wind
    And I ain’t never gonna be the same again
    Come on baby, come on, darlin’
    You’re too hot, darlin’
    Come on baby, come on, honey
    You’re my baby, you’re my honey
    You got it baby, come on baby

  445.  #445Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    FlowerChild it seems that some of what you are operating out of is fear and that is totally understandable and you are smart to honor that. I vaguely remember your story when you just got on the blog and from what you have written I believe you know the answers to your questions. Are you ignoring your intuition? What is the benefit of this relationship to you if you are not feeling cherished?

    You have shared some feelings that suggest to me that you are not feeling good about yourself in the presence of this man so I would ask myself why am I here. Is this an arrangement out of convenience? What is in it for you?

    No I definitely would not feel comfortable if I suspected that the man would just pick up and walk away. I was just listening to Rori on Reconnect and she is very specific about being wary of men who bring up their exes. She suggests asking them if there is something specific he wants you to know, to share about that relationship or if there is something you should be concerned about regarding that. She says that men are loyal and that they don’t walk away from relationships. Most likely it is the ex who did so he might still be hung up on that person/relationship.

    I feel very concerned about you not feeling cherished. I also sense some bottled up anger that I would really encourage you to shake up and let out.

  446.  #446Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Please excuse me if I haven’t responded to your post to me yet. I will go back thru this thread and the last when I feel more put together and make sure I didn’t miss anyone’s post to me.

    I am feeling out of sorts today. That song took me there. Love it. Bob Dylan is terrific!

  447.  #447Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Rori says to inspire a man to change you have to do the complete opposite of what you want normally do, what you have learned and what you think.

    Regarding depression you have to talk yourself out of it by doing the inner work with your self esteem and vibe, and the outerwork with your speech and body language.

  448.  #448Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    If you are living with a man who is not speaking to you a feeling message is “this feels awful to live with you and not talk to you”.

    We are encouraged to allow the man to have the last word in conversations, and texts.

    When he kisses or touches you just melt. Don’t kiss him back or put your hand over his. You don’t need closure. When he comes toward you just melt.

    Feeling message – I feel like I am on the outside looking in with my nose pressed up against the glass. Sometimes I feel kind of fussy

    One woman was told that she was still being the smart one, doing the thinking/planning so the guy might be feeling turned off. When help is offered he feels unromantic because he does not want the help.

    When he is unhappy don’t focus on making him happy. Focus on making yourself happy.

  449.  #449Ice Princess on December 30, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Just got back from canoeing with LP and my kids. It was so much fun! It gave him a chance to lead and we had to work together to stay away from the gators! My youngest acted up while we were out and LP got a little frustrated with him but I didn’t panick about that and just let there be a love silence which felt good. I felt like I was growing, it felt really good. The boys go with their dad in a few minutes and I will be going to pick up my laptop…maybe get myself some ice creams my day two of “one nice thing a day”.

  450.  #450Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    FW..I agree..but I have a right to work through my thoughts and feelings without expressing ALL of them…

    I feel almost sure that this is a deal breaker for me…

    because I was feeling better about things a few days later…more connected…

    I don’t know too many men who would go through my things and read them while I was asleep only a month in to the relationship…

    but I know he didn’t have ill intent…

  451.  #451Esteemed on December 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    LOL, a 27 year old from India just hit me up on chat on FB! That felt good.

  452.  #452Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Today someone sang to me on the phone. I told him that I felt my pelvis expand and I felt turned on as a result. He said only a female would be able to feel like that. It reminded me of Rori’s words “the feminine feeling self is so foreign to him in the first place” that he is absolutely mesmerized by it. He just called again a few minutes ago and after singing playfully admitted that he wanted to act out on what I shared earlier because it was still perculating in his mind. I laughed and told him I appreciate his honesty and openness.

  453.  #453Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I have decided to switch back to Brenda. I don’t want to hide.

  454.  #454Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I have decided to switch back to Brenda, because I don’t want to hide.

  455.  #455Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    yay!! I love that Brenda is back!! 🙂

  456.  #456Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    FW…that makes me feel smiley to read that..and he IS intrigued 🙂

  457.  #457Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    You are correct Jilly but when these types of thoughts come up Rori suggests switching to a better feeling thought to switch our vibe if we choose not the speak about the feelings. It seems that either choice helps us to sink into them and address them otherwise they get stuffed down and men are so sensitive even to feelings that are below the surface. Maybe it is just a lesson??

    You might not know too many men who do that because they are not open about their insecurities? All human beings have them.

    On another note Jilly I know you said you are good at sex but I feel compelled to point out to you that this seems to be recurring issue in your relationships from what you have written in the past. Have you ever explored tantra or Charu? I am really wondering if you are looking for something outside of yourself in that area that you might not be so clear about. I just feel a little concerned because it seems the one who was not willing to be totally with you was the one that you experienced the most satisfaction with in that area? Is it the fear of intimacy that might be blocking you?

  458.  #458Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 2:45 pm



  459.  #459Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    My cake turned out perfectly! I let it fall from the baking pan and it didn’t break! Going to get whipped cream and colored sugar sprinkles on the way to the party. And I am going to focus on being a sandy beach and on bringing joy to the people at the party.

    I am determined to not text Ryan.

  460.  #460elle_emme on December 30, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Sweet, brenda!

  461.  #461T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Jilly, I don’t know how I would feel about that either. It does feel like a violation of your privacy. I don’t necessarily know if it would be a deal breaker, but not something I would want in a relationship 🙁

  462.  #462Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    RE 395 Esteemed says “I feel frustrated, misunderstood, and judged.”

    I am wondering if you have forgotten that Rori says that we should avoid being the man’s therapist. I am also wondering if you have read where Rori has said that many times men ask us to do things for them that actually kill the romantic feelings they have toward us. They ask us to do things that make it easy for them and then the romantic feelings die. She says not to do things that we would normally do. Feelings are not necessarily conscious. People don’t “decide” to feel attracted they just do and many times don’t even know why they are. Can I suggest that you flip the thought of me judging you to me “judging your actions” as they relate to what my understanding of what is being taught in relation to romance? When I initially came on the blog you constantly labeled yourself as the Queen of Overfunctioning if my memory serves me right. Please correct me if I am wrong. It seems to me that what is being played out are examples of what not to do in romantic relationships, unfortunately at your expense.

    Your voice here has softened a bit recently but the actions seem to be the same. The more people try to convince you to change what you are doing, it seems to me the more you resist. Again I might be wrong. Truthfully I am not trying to understand you, so I would not argue about you feeling misunderstood by me. What I am definitely doing is judging your actions based on what I am learning from Rori. What I am learning thus far is that she is right on about the energy exchange and that when we overfunction it inspires friendship not romance. She is also very right about the fact that the smartest of us make those mistakes so it is not about our level of intelligence.

  463.  #463Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    OMG Brenda your face look differently, transformed in some way. Have you been looking at yourself in the mirror?

  464.  #464Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    FW…yes it just seems that recently…this year of 2011 that sex has become an “issue”…that hotpilot and S…and then cuteskierguy (which resolved itself)…so out of all the “relationships” there have been only 2…

    pipeliner was amazing
    CDfriend (we haven’t slept together but there is lots of chemistry)
    P…was a great kisser (we never slept together)

    it seems as though there have been more…

    I feel sad…I do feel shut down towards S right now..

    I feel fear of intimacy
    I feel sad not having connected passionate loving sex

    I don’t think that I’m the problem with NOT having great connected sex…


    If I am the problem…then does that mean I don’t feel attraction?

    because it really comes natural

    kissing is natural…it may take a “few” times to feel the way the other person does it but it’s still “good”…and if it isn’t then…

  465.  #465Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    RE: #459 – I have chosen to be Ryan’s friend, regardless. I want to support him in his healing if I can. I have definitely chosen to not follow Rori’s advice on this one. I feel good about that.

    RE: #460 – Do I assume correctly that’s a compliment? Yes, I have noticed the change. I have gotten a lot of healing and grown inside in many ways.

  466.  #466Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    T-Girl hhhmm now you have my brain in a tailspin. Violation of privacy??? hhhmm intimacy – privacy???? hhhmm what is the figure of speech that suggests the two words don’t belong together? How can I be sleeping in the same bed with someone that I need to keep things private from? Would the other person feel comfortable that I need to have a private life that excludes him? I know that boundaries allow us to go in and out of intimacy. But privacy and violating my privacy? What is more private than my body? If I share my body and still need to maintain privacy what am I saying? Is this a disconnect between men and women? Someone who would need to snoop through my things would need to do this because of their insecurity. Would I want to be with someone with that level of insecurity? What does that say about me?

    What is showing up here for me to heal?

  467.  #467Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 3:14 pm


    RE: #460 – Just curious…what is your perception of the change in my face?

  468.  #468Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    I’m exploring here…
    FW…thanks for shining lights on things for me 🙂 I like when you say you feel turned feels so raw and open and authentic coming from you..I’ve started saying that more and men LOVE that..even if it’s over something simple 🙂 You’re femininity is beautiful

    T-Girl..thanks for your are things?

    cureskierguy came over yesterday…I asked him if we could have “girl” talk lol..he likes it…I explained the situation with S and “sex” and he said he is in the same situation

    The woman he is dating is his best friend but he said their sex life sucks!! He doesn’t understand it…he doesn’t know what to DO about it to make it better…but then he said he ALWAYS thinks about me and how amazing our sex is…

    so… what does that mean??

    he is talking about marrying this girl…yet he’s not satisfied with their sex life..

    why is it so easy with some and not others? and if it’s not good…does that mean you aren’t meant to be compatible??

  469.  #469FlowerChild77 on December 30, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    SLV…thank you for your response. I’m thinking you remember my situation, somewhat. You have always been supportive of me and I know you understand my concern with security and the future.

    FW, I felt very bad after reading your response. Partly because I asked for help and what I read was “don’t ask” for opinions. I guess maybe I wasn’t clear about what I was asking for. I’m sorry. I was feeling like I needed some cheerleaders for my “me side” to drown out the NV’s. What happens when our NV’s are RIGHT?

    I fight inside myself—back and forth—about what I deserve and what is in MY best interest. When I DO mentally decide what is good for ME, my emotions and past patterns try to tell me (NV’s) that I am selfish and ridiculous and want way too much for who I am. (As in, if I were someone else/had more to offer I would deserve ________.) It’s a terrible tug of war and I feel a great amount of shame that it’s taken me this long to make any headway with it. But I continue to work at it, one day at a time. Some days are great and some days are….well, like today.

    I really don’t want to throw away over a dozen years of effort and love and hopes and dreams…but it seems fairly obvious that if he felt about me the way I wish he did—that his actions would show it. I’m thinking I just don’t want to believe what he’s showing me. It hurts too much.

    He also wants me to feel guilty and like it’s my fault that the situation has gotten to this point. I do feel bad, but I don’t feel it’s my fault. It feels like he just expects the help like I owe it to him. I felt like I was ‘investing’ both emotionally and financially and it seems it was an unwise investment of my heart, energy and money. It was all out of love….and I really wish he could ‘feel’ that. I’m tired of his pouting and bad moods. He uses them to manipulate. I usually don’t let that happen….BUT I hate it anyway. Even when things are going well, he brings negative energy. There’s always some crisis, so I shouldn’t expect anything. God, I’m tired of this.

    He isn’t interested in seeing me/spending time together, although he calls every day (except today.) It really hurts to feel that the only reason it would be important for me to be there is so I can keep his house from going into foreclosure. What a huge ouch that one is….

    What do they say? There’s no fool like an old fool?

    Thank you, ladies for listening. I probably ruined things a long time ago…the engagement ring and talk of marriage really threw me off. I fell for it.

    I think it’s time for the fall-to-the-floor tool. I feel awful inside and I hate myself right now. I think I’m doing so well and then something happens and I’m right back to square one. I honestly feel like who on earth would want me….just for “me”? As much as he needs my help, he must think I’m pitiful and disgusting. Ouch….ouch….ouch….

    I’m sorry for being so negative and sappy. Now that it’s the end of the day and I realize he’s not even going to call or make any effort, I feel really sad.

  470.  #470Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Brenda your face look slimmer to me. Your previous smile kind of looked like a smirk, to me. This face looks more natural, relaxed and calm. It reminds me that Dominique had shared that as we heal internally our body image changes. I really felt wowed.

  471.  #471elle_emme on December 30, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Yeah brenda, I feel happy looking at your avatar.

  472.  #472Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    FW don’t hate yourself. You are not allowed to beat yourself up. Writing out is therapy and becoming clear about reality for yourself. That was my intention. I would encourage you to pull all the way back to zero with him and do deep into your feelings/your body to activate your intution. It will direct you. I have seen you struggle a lot since you have been here. You have to honor yourself and your feelings.

  473.  #473Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    RE 469 was meant for FlowerChild. I know you are hurting and I am sending you some healing vibes. Put your hand on your body where you feel the worse and send healing and compassion and forgiveness to yourself.

  474.  #474Jenny on December 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    last night I had a little “aha” experience. I was laying in my bed and was suppose to sleep. But I couldnt…and yes there is a man in my mind so I thought; “Ok lets do some practice here then”

    So I started to say feeling message, first about things I could feel..easy things, like how the blanket felt, how it made me feel. Then I started to picture him in my mind, laying next me, how good it would feel, and what I would feel.
    “It feels nice. I feel all warm inside. I feel soft, I feel…” and well I used some more world, that I really cant remember right now. But I could really feel how somthing shifted in me, how tears come, my throth started to be thight, an I just keept saying all those thing “I feel tears in mdy eyes, I feel moved” And right there I just know something…that be soo open, so vulnarable in front of this man in my thought. It felt scary and good at the same time. So I cried a feeling relaxed, sink into the fear..and I also saw something else, that there is an longing inside me of just do it again with a man next to me. So then I felt sad for not having a man right there…and the feelings just keept coming: I felt anger for not having a man there, and I felt anger for me wanting a man there, and I felt happy for me seeing all of this, and I felt thankfull for the lesson.

    It feels so amazing to see that my feelings can shift so fast.

    I’m doing it all in steps. My newest baby step is to write in my msn status feeling message of what I’m doing. For example…this is what I wrote this morning:

    “It felts very wonderfull to wake up next to a purring cat. It felt cosy and I felt warm and fluffy. I feel happy.”

    But I also notice I do have some thoughts about those feeling message…sometimes I have hard time find the right word, and sometimes I feel like i repeat the same word over and over again. But I guess its me being in my brain and having a wanting of allways be diffrent. For example if I have said: “I feel good”..then my brain say; “dont use the word good again, find another word”
    Any thoughts about that? Or does none notice if I use them twice?

  475.  #475T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Interesting take FW – to me it is snooping. Snooping = no trust. So maybe violation of privacy is the wrong wording – maybe violation of trust is better.

    If he starts looking in the journal then what else would he look at? E-mails? Texts from friends?

    It doesn’t even matter if there is nothing to hide. I have nothing to hide but if J were to look at my e-mails I would be so embarrased because I get all the relationship coach e-mails. Or if he looked at my texts where I may have discussed him.

  476.  #476Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 3:23 pm


    Yes…a man who is that insecure after ONE month of dating…who is this man? I feel scared of what it might mean…lots of reassuring, lots of questions..lots of interrogating…lots of defensiveness

    yes..I love what you are saying about the privacy thing…I don’t want to keep private some things when I am sharing my body…but…getting to know each other can take’s fun and exciting getting to know someone knew..and uncomfortable too…but that’s the juicy part..

    I don’t feel safe sharing everything with S because he holds it against me…and THAT is something I want to share with him.

  477.  #477Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    By the way FC I don’t consider you either old or fool. I am 51 in April. I don’t know about old. Some of us take longer to learn, I am one of those.

  478.  #478Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Okay Jilly in classic Dominique/Tinque style how can you bring that back to you? What are you holding against yourself? or punishing yourself for?

  479.  #479T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Jilly – I don’t envy you this one – this is a hard one. 🙁

  480.  #480Susan on December 30, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Sweet Man is taking me to a dinner/dance for New Year’s Eve. It is held at a Sheraton Grand Hotel and he got us a room too, so we don’t have to drive home after midnight. Usually, when there is a dinner, I eat first because I have celiac disease and eating my own food is generally easier than trying to find out what is in the food that will be served. Almost all sauces and commercially prepared dressings are off limits for me. And anything breaded is also off limits. So is soy sauce (a frequent ingredient in marinades.)

    Sweet Man surprised me by calling ahead to make sure there would be an entree specially made for me that is gluten free. ♥ ♥

    The really touching part about this is that I did not ask him to do it, nor did I hint or suggest. He just stepped up and did it. He makes me feel very taken-care-of. I like it.

  481.  #481Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    T-Girl…I feel the same…

    I don’t want some one snooping through my things…I want it to be my choice to share with someone my most intimate thoughts.

    I asked S if he was looking for my phone that night..I used it as an alarm that night so it was right next to me…his response was “well it wouldn’t matter if you went through my phone” and that’s not the point..

    WOW…I feel so much anger around this right now
    I do feel mad
    outraged for a second
    it quickly turns to confusion
    I feel confused
    I feel sad for him
    I feel sad that I am triggering his insecurities
    I feel all alone all of a sudden
    I feel tall and stoney and grey all by myself
    I feel sufficated now
    k that’s gone..I feel empty and dark navy blue

  482.  #482Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    T-Girl you are embarassed about receiving relationship related emails? I don’t get it. You are the one who holds relationship related talks in your home that your guy is aware of and have shared. Relationship emails are to help with making a relationship better between the two of you. I am struggling to understand why you would be embarassed about that part of your life. Is it that intimacy is really unnatural?

    There is a relationship related class at my church and a marriage counselling class on a regular basis. I have shared info with the man who manages the class and I have shared some interviews and other info with another man in the class who is looking to build up his relationship with his wife. By the way they seem to have a great relationship and I have enough evidence from both of them to believe that. He shared with me that he will be investing in some of Gay Hendricks stuff. I have shared with a couple of guys at work that I receive this info and shared some with guy. Once last year I felt a bit intimidated and one of the guys said you’d be surprised the people you might be hiding this from might be involving themselves in the same things and want to learn too.

  483.  #483Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    RE 478 Jilly it seems to me that it is a conversation that you need to have with him to find out what your ideas are about the subject and to find out what agreement you can make to have it work for both of you.

  484.  #484Starla on December 30, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    471 Jenny

    No one ever notices that I am redundant. And I have a great vocabulary, so I would expect people who know me to call me out, but no one has ever really questioned me or the way i’m speaking. Well one guy did a long time ago, but I hadn’t spoken to him since before Rori, so he noticed a drastic difference and was already into mocking me (booo, back then i thought it meant we were laughing at bonding, yuck).

  485.  #485Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    FW..I love it 🙂
    I honestly completely utterly openly do not feel like I am punishing myself…

    I feel happy warm sexy and authentic…UNTIL I feel a man grasping for me…then I start shutting down..and then I start holding back…and then I stop sharing as much…and then I “try” and soften things to keep from hurting them…ick..that feels icky to say..but it feels true and relieving to say

    I don’t want to shut down everytime a man gets needy because I know I get needy sometimes….

  486.  #486Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Jilly sharing our most intimate thoughts include sharing our dreams and fantasies. These are things that can really open up a relationship and help a man feel safe with us. I have experimented with it and it feels really freeing. The energy that it takes to hide these things is a lot and when released can be used for creativity and playfulness. That is the reason why I love experimenting with the tools and cdating. I can use it randomly with any man I am not invested in because I don’t have to fear any fallout.

  487.  #487Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Jenny I believe your brain will argue with you until the neural pathways get rewired. The way to rewire it is to continue practicing. I believe you are doing brilliantly.

  488.  #488Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Brenda I kind of feel a comfort in looking at your face, like some tightness has been released. I don’t know I am feeling silly saying it but that is how I am feeling looking at your picture.

  489.  #489Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 3:45 pm


    RE: #467 – Thank you, that means a lot!

  490.  #490Starla on December 30, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    tgirl 472

    i hide all the relationship emails too!

    oh dear, i would feel yucky if my man found me on here or saw all the emails i got (and read and save!) about dating.

    i feel afraid of being exposed as not being able to be a fabulous wonderful person all by myself. like it’s all somehow fake or creepy!! eeee:'( I feel sadness in my face and thorax now.

  491.  #491Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Jilly I am wondering if the emptiness is numbness?
    I am also wondering if you are feeling any guilt?

  492.  #492Brenda on December 30, 2011 at 3:47 pm


    RE: #485 – From my identity, I feel really good about what you are saying. I believe your perceptions are accurate. I felt really good about that self-portrait, which I took in June.

  493.  #493Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Starla I would experiment with leaving something somewhere he can see. Rori doesn’t encourage us to share aobut our process neither does Dominique but I want to feel open so I am not committed to hiding, feels like it would involve too much energy. What if he stumbles on it accidentally? Would you panic and might want to defend yourself or fight him off your info? I wonder if you would be open to finding out what he might be hiding from you?

  494.  #494Femininewoman on December 30, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Brenda have you started throwing kisses at yourself in the mirror? Looking at yourself and telling yourself I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself?

    This has made a tremendous difference for me.

  495.  #495T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    479 FW. Yes, it is weird, isn’t it? Wow, it just hit me like a ton bricks. Why should I be embarrassed? Making my relationship work is very important to me so I shouldn’t be embarrased. I need to reflect on this.

    I have been reading about tantra and how it can enhance intimacy with your partner. I know J would be totally up for it and even going to a workshop…yet is scares me at the same time getting that intimate with him. Why is it so easy to be intimate with my body but not with my mind? Blah…more stuff to heal. And the ironic thing is I have a guy that is relationship savy, he has even read lots of relationship books and “gets it”.

  496.  #496Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Sometimes…actually most of the time….when i am trippin about something specific having to do with CF that I haven’t talked to him about, and then I post about it here to get clear on it, he magically appears to fix the issue.

    I’ve wondered sometimes if he isn’t actually reading my words here. but he’s just not that sneaky type of a person. i couldn’t even fathom him having the energy to be ‘devious’ like that.

    wow that must mean sinking into your feelings and detaching from outcomes really is the magic that brings wonderful surprises! awesome:)

  497.  #497Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    oh…man…I feel bleh and meh…

    at first I was wondering if S had read the blog…but I knew there was really NO way he could have even known about it…but I don’t want to HIDE things..I don’t want MY man to hide things from me..

    hmmm…I do feel guilty…

    I feel guilty that I felt unsure of S and wanted to keep my options open but didn’t share that with S

    I felt guilty trying to “control” the outcome by NOT sharing ALL my feelings, meaning..managing HIS feelings, trying to NOT hurt him and I didn’t want the relationship to change… that didn’t help things…

  498.  #498Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Starla…love it!! Letting go IS key!! 🙂

  499.  #499Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    I could feel that S didn’t feel “good enough”…so me wanting to keep my options open would have ended things I think…

    I feel exposed on this blog..writing these things..I feel a little scared to write things I feel guilty about

    I feel guilty that I thought S wasn’t good enough…ugggg..then that triggered him more..

  500.  #500Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    ooohhh fw blowing kisses at myself sounds like a great idea, i’m gonna do that tonight, thanks!

    i am going to take nice care of myself for the next couple of hours, going to take a hot shower and steam my face and exfoliate my skin and shave my legs:D and put some wonderful serum in my hair that makes it look awesome, and moisturize myself from head to toe, and then spend my sweet time doing my hair and makeup:) there will be wine involved:)

  501.  #501Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    I don’t feel good enough sometimes…


    I’m starting to feel better now…just a little…

  502.  #502Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    and oh yeah LG, i am going to eat some green beans! i feel so hungry and tempted to just launch into my “to do” list here. But I need to eat something, already!

  503.  #503T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Letting go and melting! Must remember that – it makes everything better 🙂

    Just an update from earlier – I have talked to J several times today. He is acting like nothing happened, he even made plans with my daughter and I over the weekend. Tonight I am going to see him and will let go and melt. I thought we should talk about it but I think it is best to let it go.

  504.  #504crystal eyes on December 30, 2011 at 4:22 pm


    I feel my heart open up when I see your total vulnerability at posting all this on the blog , knowing Sirens are cringing and telling you to stop leaning forward (I did that too). You shared most beautifully.

    You posted more anyway , and this vulnerability will be your way to healing yourself. Feeling the shame and telling us here in a safe place about that feeling . Its not CONTROLLING the shame , its feeling it owning it , processing it. And that is the way to healing.

    When it comes to unreturned love , feeling it is good , acknowledging it to US in the safe place is even better, and talking it through and processing it. That is healing .

    However repeatedly telling the man about your deep true feelings for him directly or by hints , trying to coerce him into contact and talking about your past with him WHEN HE DOESNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP is not achieving any result except a constant serious ongoing undermining and erosion of your most precious self esteem.

    In my case with G it was no contact that healed me (386 days and counting) . There was no chance for me to confuse any sign of friendship or care for anything else, no chance to confuse sexual feelings with enduring two way love, nothing . Nothing hurts , but it hurts short and it heals faster…

    And now I am off to a lunch date 🙂

  505.  #505T-Girl on December 30, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Jilly – I know what you mean about being exposed on this blog but better to work things out here than making mistakes out there.

  506.  #506Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    woohoo i made myself green beans in olive oil with salt and pepper. just perfect!! I feel so good that I did this, and they taste wonderful!!

    i feel so grounded putting these green beans into my body. I feel like I am doing something SO good for myself.

    I’m feeling silly that I ever let myself get so hungry! eat something good for you! such a simple solution to so many seemingly complex problems.

    I was feeling painful hungry mixed with that acidy feeling in my stomach, and i was feeling fearful and a little paranoid and pessimistic. a great feeling of dread, like i would never be free from the dread.

    All I have to do is EAT SOMETHING ALREADY:)


    note to self, always keep these awesome frozen green beans on hand.

    Prozac beans:)

  507.  #507Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I am seeing how much of myself I started to kind of neglect after a while once CF and I started seeing each other nearly every day. There was a lot I wasn’t doing for myself because I’d rather hang out with him instead.

    However, I welcomed the excuse… I’ve always been flaky about caring for myself.

    But it would feel great to be primarily focused on caring for myself:)

    these green beans are great:)

  508.  #508Radiance on December 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    477 Susan

    That is so sexy. And I feel jealous. And I feel happy for you.

    I feel jealous playfully really. I got some of that juicy good stuff in the affair and I now know it is possible. One time we were on a weekend trip together in another state and went out to dinner at a classy restaurant. He selected my position at the table and intentionally faced himself away from the television across the way in the bar. I asked him why he did that and he told me he wanted to enjoy looking into my eyes, looking at me, looking at my face, and didn’t want the TV to distract him. I melted. TV distraction has been a major MAJOR issue in my marriage. That AND my spouse’s inability to make eye contact. Ever.

    Oops… Didn’t mean to make this all about me. haha… I am appreciating your step-up man with you.

  509.  #509Jilly on December 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Starla…you have me thinking..

    S is on anti anxiety…he has been “trying” really hard to lose weight…even though he knows that I teach to get happy first, then the weight will come off in a feel good way and stay off..

    but he has only been eating about one meal a day…and I express that I want him to take care of himself..

    but I can see how him NOT eating can exasberate? feelings of insecurity and anxiousness…

    ugg…I feel like a mom writing that…

    oh well

    sometimes that’s how it is…

    shrug’s best to do it here 🙂

  510.  #510Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    i neglected soooooo much of myself when I was with the last dude.

    and ohhh ew, whenever i tried to shift back to myself, he would basically kick and scream, usually in the form of dumping me.

    Me: I need a little space because this feels crazyyyy and i don’t want to lose my balance with myself

    him: This isn’t working for me


    over and over.

    any time we weren’t fighting like cats and dogs or weren’t all passionately all over each other, he would dump me. seriously. if we had a fight and I just wanted to sit and watch a movie with him or something, he’d dump me the next day for making him feel rejected. and then i’d be like are you freaking serious? and then we’d spend the whole day in drama, but he PREFERRED that.

    oh my.

    My little girl wants me to stop beating myself up over dumping him (HE DUMPED ME FIRST!! AHHHH funny how he turned that around on me, lol).

    CF has never pulled sh*t like that on me. I don’t think it even crosses his mind. I think he worries sometimes that I’m going to lose interest in him if HE’S not fueling some sort of drama, but I just tell him how wonderful and relaxing it feels to be with someone who doesn’t bank on drama.

    i’m rambling.

  511.  #511Starla on December 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Jilly, I know we’re not supposed to problem solve for a man but there are plenty of articles that say if you snack and eat regularly, you’re far more likely to lose weight. can u … post it on your facebook wall where he can see, or something?

    ack don’t listen to me. seriously. we all know what rori would say. she’d say don’t even worry about his eating habits.

    if this is a SERIOUS thing you must talk to him about, then i would treat it like that and open up a discussion a la Rori and tell him you feel concerned and stuff.

    the harm he is doing to himself and his endocrine system by starving most of the day is TERRIBLE. and absolutely will not sustain healthy weight loss.

    this is why everyone who ‘starves’ themselves never gets skinny for good.

    i feel bad thinking about people who are locked in a frame of mind that says they should starve themselves. it’s all a big lie.

    But wow, Jilly, if you can lean back entirely about giving him weight loss advice unless he explicitly asks, (and not even if he says “i wonder blah blah” thinking out loud about losing weight), you will have grown so huge as a siren.

  512.  #512FlowerChild77 on December 30, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    FW…thank you so much for your kind thoughts and words. I can actually feel the energy and healing vibes. I had a good cry and did some meditating and I feel exhausted, but better.

    I’m going to be good to myself tonight and I do know that leaning back (zero, as you said) is the way to go from here.

    >>>”When he is unhappy don’t focus on making hi