Contacting Men Online

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dateHere’s a comment I thought was really universal, and I wanted to jump off from it:

“Rori, I can tell you that on the dating site, it seems to work differently. I would like Rori’s opinion, but here is my take on dating sites: It is OK to contact a man online first–I am of the opinion this is the ONLY time that is OK, because for some reason, online guys are reluctant to contact people. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. After the initial contact by you, though, I never make the first move after that. I let them contact me from then on. Just the initial contact is OK with me. Try this and see what happens. I have met some really great men online and lots that I have contacted first. It didn’t seem to make a difference at all. Remember, just the initial contact. After that, follow Rori’s advice and don’t call or write unless they have contacted you. Good luck!”

Sandra, Welcome, and thank you for your suggestions on online dating…and here’s my take:

If you are a woman who has absolutely not one little bit of desperation or need creeping up in her— ever –then you are a rock star, and you can do ANYTHING.

You can take off your clothes, walk up to a man on the street and wrap your body around him.

You can call every man in the phone book.

AND – if you are already a rock star – then you would already be in a fantastic relationship, and I would not see you here.

The truth is…start FIRST with HEALING yourself…and for most of us this means getting rid of desperation and need – which shows itself in masculine energy things like initiating, working to make things happen, calling, and..yes…surfing through the men on Match.com and winking or emailing them.

It RELIEVES our internal pressure when we DO stuff…which is why I’ve created so many Tools for your “boy” energy to use pro-actively that work FOR YOU, instead of against you, and give your “girl” energy a chance to shine.  This takes practice.  It’s reversing years and years and years – our whole lives often – of doing things in ways that simply don’t work for a relationship.

It’s undoing a lifetime of squashing down our needs, our wants, our feelings…and using every bit of our energy to just “get by” – survive.  We’ve been taught to work for what we want…and that works in many, many arenas (that’s why I want you to develop and use and celebrate your masculine energy in Tools like “Channeling) – but it DOESN’T work for romance.

If what you want is a man who’s mostly a “boy” in your life , your heart, your bed…then you have to learn to be mostly a “girl” in HIS life, HIS heart, HIS bed.  That’s weird for many of us.

But that’s the way you get what you really, truly want and deserve.  We are ALL, truly “girls” inside.  We’ve just hidden that light behind a flurry of “doing.”

It takes a bit of bravery, and a lot of practice to slowly let that light be seen.  But you can do it, I know you can.

Love, Rori

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176 Comments

  1.  #1grace on November 8, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    I totally agree about initiating the first move and not making any move after that. I have try that and it works like wonder. However, I do need some opinion on how to keep my option open. The guy I am dating from match.com is angry with me for keeping my option open. After arguing with him about this topic, I told him, if he wants to keep his option open too, he will not have me all to himself. However, he ask me to leave him alone, which I did and never initiate a phone call nor a date. Now, he is back to calling me and asking me to have faith in working out the relationship, but refuse to change his mind on keeping his option open. In the meantime, I am enjoying myself with trekking, shopping and most importantly, taking in the way i feel. I don’t want to push him nor change his mind anymore, I have decided to let him decide what he wants in this situation, and I am busy having fun out there. I feel that my heart is telling me to stay and work on this relationship, and my head is asking me to get out from this relationship. I am trying very hard to lean back and not initiate anything.
    A great thank you to Rori for showing me how to lean back and invite the men in with open heart and be strong inside. This is the tool that I am trying very hard to do now.



  2.  #2Tracy on November 8, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    “It RELIEVES our internal pressure when we DO stuff…which is why I’ve created so many Tools for your “boy” energy to use pro-actively………………”
    Wow Rori thanks for this…..Its amazing how with each post i am learning something new….I am so used to doing stuff that i always look for ways to do something all the time…..
    I am going to practice with Receiving now….even with my dating online…just chill out and receive…..i am a girl i can do this…..thank you….



  3.  #3Tracy on November 9, 2009 at 1:22 am

    I feel that my mind has been in the past structured on always doing something to get something….
    The art of Allowing and receiving loves feels new and i am enjoying the attention it brings….i feel more in touch with myself when i receive…i feel me….
    Recently i allowed my brother to manage our family expenses and now he’s in charge of deciding how we spend the money and doing repairs in the house…i still do the shopping and clean the house and manage other small stuff but i am letting him decide on the overall and he’s doing a really good job at it…and i feel relieved allowing it and instead just receiving help and assistance from him…i am now focusing on buying shoes and treating myself well….
    I hadn’t noticed that i was doing the same thing with dating and i felt obliged to do something to create communication with men i was dating online….
    I want to experiment more on receiving and trusting the universe to know HOW it will make thins happen…i just need to be there to receive and i feel that there more than enough…..Feels good to receive…yay….



  4.  #4Ann on November 9, 2009 at 1:51 am

    I like this post altho, I’m too sleepy right now to really take it end. I will have to reread it later.



  5.  #5Paula on November 9, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Thanks for this post Rori, I’ve been feeling anxious about online dating. I feel it’s a bit of a challenge for me. I feel glad that I can give up ‘working’ on it and lean back and receive (even on cyber space).

    I’ve been emailing a guy on a dating site for a while now and I haven’t had any message from him in a week or more. We were emailing daily and I feel excited to tell him some news. But it’s his ‘turn’ to email me so I’m not going too. I’ll have to sit on my typing hands…

    Same thing for an old ex of mine (I still have feelings for him even though I haven’t seen him in about 3 years). We email and he usually takes about one month to reply to my mail. He says “sorry I’m so poor at staying in touch with friends”. Again, I sometimes feel desperate to tell him something that’s going on for me but it’s his ‘turn’ to reply, so I don’t do it.

    I’m trying to see these urges to email as ‘waves’ and I want to breathe through them and not make contact with these guys.

    I feel so weary of ‘doing’ to keep a relationship going. And If I don’t ‘do’, then I feel my desperation, fear, loneliness, anger – all those soupy feelings that I avoid if I reach out and ‘do’.



  6.  #6Paula on November 9, 2009 at 2:29 am

    Thanks for this post Rori.

    I hope I’m not posting twice (my last comment disappeared).

    I’ve been feeling anxious about online dating and I feel happier now that I can stop ‘doing’ and lean back and receive (even on cyber space).

    I’ve been emailing a guy on a dating site almost daily for a while. I haven’t heard from him for over a week. I feel desperate to tell him some news but it’s his ‘turn’ to email me so I am resisting.

    Same thing for an old ex of mine. I still have some feelings for him even though we haven’t seen one another for 3 years. We email each other but he tends to reply after a month. He says ‘sorry, I’m bad at keeping in touch’. Again, I feel desperate, anxious, excited to tell him my news but it’s his ‘turn’ to contact me. I’m going to sit on my typing hands…

    If I don’t reach out and ‘do’ by contacting them, I have to feel my feelings of desperation, need, anger, frustration, humiliation. I can avoid feeling those feelings by ‘doing’.



  7.  #7Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 4:55 am

    I’m all for the girl energy and receiving, but what if it’s ok to contact/wink/whatever a guy first on online match sites only for the fact that there are tons of profiles out there and he may not see your otherwise?



  8.  #8Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 5:02 am

    I mean, he may not see your profile otherwise.



  9.  #9nikita on November 9, 2009 at 8:50 am

    I didn’t have a picture up…so I’d contact first and send a pic…but it flet like the guy would drift a bit…as if it scares him or he feels TARGETED in the wrong way…”what’s her agenda”….. or what’s she after?….or they just get lazy about it….It set a tone….so I just put the picture up…blech….but it feels better for me….I feel this swirling of energy…. It’s RAINING MEN … hehehe…I feel way better……and if it turns out he drifts off, I just write him off….no angst feelings….I intend to take the pic down…..soon… but for now… my inner boy is managing my e-mails for me…prioritizing, organizing, etc….etc…



  10.  #10Aldonza on November 9, 2009 at 9:12 am

    I learned very quickly that contacting first online is a *huge* no-no. Winks, or other passive ways of saying “Hi!” maybe. But a real email? Nope. Not doing it.



  11.  #11Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Aldonza, sounds good. I’ll take that advice.
    Nikita, you HAVE to have a picture up or it’s pointless.



  12.  #12Heather Brianna on November 9, 2009 at 10:14 am

    I can tell you what has helped me. When I feel that desperation/need start to sneek up …I go and read these wonderful from everyone and Rori. I also hug my stranger, thats really important. I know what my issues are and I am slowly evolving into a modern siren. I am trying to get myself focused on my goal, which is me. I want to be healthy for myself first and foremost but I want that healthy realtionship.

    PS I know there is another Heather on here so Im goin to put my middle name with my sinage…lol

    Love Heather Brianna



  13.  #13Katie on November 9, 2009 at 11:24 am

    As part of my ‘recovery’ prog I recently put a profile and picture online to see what happens and within about 10 days I have had 4 short emails and 2 men want to be ‘mutually matched’ eeeek! I haven’t replied to any yet – tho I will, maybe over next weekend.

    It’s all a bit strange and new to me. I am picking my heart up off the floor at the moment, so want to be gentle both with myself and anyone else who might be interested. I also am really angry sometimes so a bit changeable. So all in all I feel better if guys contact me first – this is truely the opposite of many years of ‘over functioning’ and going all out to please everyone!

    I still love my ex – dammit – but if not mutual – it just causes pain. But now he’ll just have to join the Q – won’t he!! And IF he gets really lucky he might just get my attention – HA!!

    This blog and all Rori’s tools etc are FAB!!



  14.  #14Katie on November 9, 2009 at 11:42 am

    I have a teenage son – who occassionally offers ME dating advice! For us older ones, its odd because – it feels like going back to where i was about 20 years ago. My long term relationship fell apart 3 yrs ago – then I met a ‘mr niceguy’ 2 yrs ago but I made lots of mistakes! Just about every mistake that would guarantee FAILURE – except I didn’t know – a real dating/relationship novice 🙁

    I have been learning so so much though! And I am feeling better about things every day.



  15.  #15ABC on November 9, 2009 at 11:44 am

    hi Rori,

    just want to say that your E-letters are getting better and better. they have a different and refreshing feel to them than the ones we got before. they are more descriptive, more personal, and clearer, i just love them so much!
    thank you for putting your heart and soul into teaching us and writing to us!

    love,
    ABC



  16.  #16Simply Shannon on November 9, 2009 at 11:44 am

    This was a hard switch for me as well. I used to feel compelled to wink if I looked at their profile since I know they can see that I looked. I felt worried that my looking and not winking was in effect telling him I wasn’t interested. Now my feeling is that any man who is really interested in talking to me will do so regardless. And I don’t look at profiles anymore. 🙂 I literally have my profile up and wait to see how contacts me. MUCH easier that way. No “doing” on my part. My only job is to make my profile feel good to me. The rest is on the boys out there. LOL!



  17.  #17Katie on November 9, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Really – some days don’t feel that good – but this blog, and everyone writing here is such a help. xxx



  18.  #18Mary Ann on November 9, 2009 at 11:50 am

    just subscribing for now 🙂



  19.  #19Katie on November 9, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Yes SS that feels right to me too. It’s time to get the practice leaning back and to start off as we mean to go on.
    Let them come to me!!



  20.  #20Tina on November 9, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I feel much better having men contact me first. I dont add them anymore, I used to though , I’ve since stopped. I did feel needy and desperate feeling came over me as I would click send. I am better able to feel and the dates are good, I am more in tune with my feelings and able to receive. I agree with Rori and that I feel an energy struggle if I initiate contact, which I did do pre rori.



  21.  #21Sarah on November 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I feel soooo out of control these days. I am diong my best to lean-back and do Rori’s tools, but all I am feeling is out of control. I can feel the energy builidng up in my throat like it is going to explode if I don’t reach out to my bofyriend and talk to him. I keep wanting to talk to him, reach out to him, and diffuse the tension. But the air and the energy just keeps building up in my throat and feels like it is going to explode all around me.
    I feel angry that my boyfriend is not as into me as he used to be. That he doesn’t reach out to me and plan dates like he used to. He is kind of taking me for granted these days, I feel like. I feel angry for letting myself get this wrapped up in him, for letting myself fall this much for him, when I told myself I wouldn’t do this ever again. I feel angry at myself, mostly. Angry for letting down my guard and allowing myself to get out of control.



  22.  #22Tina on November 9, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Haha, I dunno about stripping off my clothes and wrapping my body though lol.



  23.  #23Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Depends for how much money…lol!



  24.  #24Mercedes on November 9, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    I think there are two sides to this and it depends so much on what type of woman you are and what type of man you are attracted to. I don’t believe in leaning forward AT ALL if you are prone to or have had problems with overfunctioning, but…if that’s the kind of thing you like to do (take control and initiate sometimes) and if you want a man who admires and loves that in a woman…then you should go for it!

    A good example of this is my own situation. I’m a very take-charge kind of woman. My man is the same. I let him lead as much as I can, but he gets really turned on when I take initiative…even in little ways. Since I moved in, we have discussed ways in which I can feel independent even though I have given up a lot of that. The other day (Saturday) he decided it was my turn to take charge. We did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it…and all decisions were made by me (including what we were eating, where we were going, when we were going home and what we were going to do when we got there). He loves seeing that side of me and I love having that opportunity.

    When I first met him, had I hid that part of me and let him make all the decisions and do all the initiating and planning, one of two things would have happened depending on which of us couldn’t take it any longer. Either I would have let my guard down and starting initiating (which would have surprised him and let him know he didn’t really know the real me after all) or he would have lost attraction because he does not find a woman who doesn’t initiate and make decisions attractive. We would have lost.

    So, in my opinion, if you have a problem with overfunction, clinging or neediness…don’t initiate. If that’s the sexy, confident YOU though…don’t hide it. Go out there, wink, send email, call..whatever. Just be you and do whatever feels right.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  25.  #25Tina on November 9, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    I feel all confused now lol.



  26.  #26Mercedes on November 9, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    I’m sorry Tina… 🙁

    For me, it is all about being authentic…not doing what works. So..if you are authentic and you have a man who loves you exactly the way you really are…then you are in a beautiful place. But if you hide who you really are, hoping to find a man who will fall in love with you…then it will never happen because he’ll never really know the real you.

    If we’re authentic, we don’t have to hide anything or change ourselves for the rest of our lives. If we’re trying to change ourselves to attract a man, then we better be prepared to change forever so he’ll stay attracted.

    As long as your guy knows and loves you the way you are, then it doesn’t matter if you initiate or lean forward or whatever. What matters is that if that’s the kind of woman you are, then you need a man who loves that about you. If you get clingy or needy when you do those things…then that certainly isn’t what you want, so learning to let him be the strong one is a good thing. It so much depends on who you really are, what feels good inside and what you really want.

    At least from my experience….

    And I ramble so much I can’t even tell if any of that made sense. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  27.  #27Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Mercedes, you’re one of my favorite posters!



  28.  #28Tina on November 9, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Authentic, yes I get that. I was getting ready to throw off my clothes and hug the first man I see j/k lol, I’m glad you stopped me Mercedes 😉



  29.  #29Mercedes on November 9, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Kaitlyn: Is that because I ramble??? LOL Just kidding…that was very sweet of you…thank you! 🙂

    Tina: WHEW!!! No matter how “take charge” I can be, I would NEVER recommend that! (Unless of course you want to write a book about what it really feels like to be in jail for indecent exposure….then by all means, do your research and go for it!! – might even be fun!). LOL

    I do remember when I dabbled with online dating, I looked at a guys profile once and didn’t do anything (well…did that a lot, but this is one instance in particular). He sent me an email saying something like “I see you looked at my profile but didn’t say anything. What’s up with that?”

    I responded that I didn’t just LOOK at his profile..I READ it and discovered I was his biggest turnoff so I elected not to tempt him to change his ways. He asked me what I meant by that. I said “You list your biggest turnoff as a woman who smokes. I list my biggest pet peeve as ‘when people tell me smoking is bad for me and I should quit’…if we both actually read each other’s profiles, we would know we’re not a match and we would save ourselves a lot of time.”

    I never heard from him again… LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30Paula on November 9, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    I’ve been looking forward to this post as I have been feeling fed-up with online dating. Thanks

    I ‘get’ what you’re saying about being authentic Mercedes and I don’t want to hide the ‘boy’ part of me from a man forever and ever.

    BUT I do overfunction and initiate in relationships and it doesn’t feel good to me at all.

    And oh boy, do I feel desperate and needy at times… I met a man online and we’ve been emailing daily. I haven’t heard from him for over a week and I feel really anxious to tell him my news. I feel curious as to why he has stopped emailing. But it’s his turn to email me so I’m not going to.

    Same for an old ex of mine. I have some feelings for him still even though we haven’t seen one another for years. We email regularly but he takes about one month to respond. He says ‘Sorry, I’m so bad at keeping in touch’. Again, I feel desperate to email him and tell him my news but it’s his ‘turn’ to email me. So I’m sitting on my typing hands.

    I feel a strong desire to make contact with these 2 but I’m trying to ride the waves of this soup of feelings – anxiety, fear, desperation, loneliness. If I DO something and lean forward, then I avoid these feelings. Maybe if I feel them, I won’t feel so scared of them in the future.

    Gros Bisous (Big Kisses)



  31.  #31tinque on November 9, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    I have found that following Rori’s tools is SO useful in the beginning stages of a relationship or when you are dating, but as you get to know a man, grow with him, a natural ebb and flow will emerge.
    Sometimes you will initiate whatever it is, and sometimes he will. I would say for me most of the time K does the “rowing” though I am always consulted, but when it comes to sex, it’s probably me who initiates the most. And he LOVES that.
    He maybe didn’t so much when I first became more aggressive in that way, but he quickly warmed up to it. It’s not to say I’m successful every time. He will put me off until later if he needs to unwind first or wake up if it’s in the morning. But it always done gracefully, no feelings bruised.
    xxoo



  32.  #32Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Paula, this emailing is going on too long. That’s the problem. As Rori basically says, “They gotta shit or get off the pot and meet in person or it’s a no go.”



  33.  #33tinque on November 9, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Paula – It’s perfectly okay to feel needy and clingy sometimes. We ALL do. And you CAN be honest about it as long as it’s not a habit.
    I have no problem telling K just that. “I’m feeling needy.” He will hold me for a bit. And I feel better. I always thank him. He thinks it’s cute.
    (That’s me, cute. And I’ve always wanted to be elegant and regal. lol.)
    bisous



  34.  #34Mercedes on November 9, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Paula: I think for your situation, I totally agree…lean back and while your back there, work on YOU so that you can feel stronger.

    When you said this “BUT I do overfunction and initiate in relationships and it doesn’t feel good to me at all.”

    I couldn’t help but admire you for understanding what you are like on the inside, for knowing what you want to change about yourself to feel good and for recognizing that you are fighting the urge to lean forward. That’s a really cool thing because sometimes, we don’t even try and we lean forward because its the only thing we know (no matter how bad it makes us feel). It sounds to me like you are ready for a shift and you WANT things to change about you. That is beautiful and totally different from what I was talking about.

    You sound strong to me (if you are resisting these urges to reach out first…then that, to me, means you are taking control over what you want for your life and how you want to be – translation: Strong woman!) and you will get stronger and stronger every single day. I hope you find someone you want to share your news with soon…its important to have someone like that in your life.

    Tinque: I agree…it is an ebb and a flow as a couple grows closer. It is beautiful. And by the way…I always wanted to be elegant and regal too….I don’t think its going to happen… lol

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  35.  #35Paula on November 9, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Kaitlyn, you could be right that the emailing has gone on too long. Problem is that I live in a different country to both of them. I’ve been invited to come visit but I’ve invited them to come and visit me (not at the same time 🙂 ). I don’t want to lean forward.

    This is a situation I often get into with online dating. Stalemate! I feel happy to be practising feeling messages like ‘I would feel uncomfortable… coming to see you, adding you to MSN, emailing your private email address, phoning you, etc. etc.’ These are common requests to me when onling dating.

    Hey Tinque, thanks for it’s OK to feel needy. I think I need to make friends with that feeling!

    Hey Mercedes, you sound pretty regal to me and you too Tinque. I want to be like you two when I grow up!

    OK, I’m off to bed now here in Europe. zzzzzz



  36.  #36Tina on November 9, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    I am on a dating site and tonight , its been all feeling messages. No, I dont feel comfortable adding men to my msn grrrrrrr. I did add one, he looked so um commanding in his uniform so yeah lol so far he hasnt talked to me at all, he assured me he wouldnt perv out on me so I said ok to that, but he isnt making contact lol. He did say he wants to get together for coffee around the 26th lol. I”m GUESSING he will contact me when we get closer to the date.



  37.  #37Alex M. on November 9, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Hi Rori,

    First off, thank you so much for making your wonderful knowledge available. I don’t really have a problem right now, but I’m hoping you can advise me on taking some next steps. I’ve been seeing a guy for about the last 3 months. It’s mutually defined as casual. I’m following all the rules: I never call him; he calls me daily and texts throughout the day. He always comes to see me, plans out wonderful dates, and initiates sex.

    In short…everything is going well! But I’m falling for him, despite trying some circular dating. I keep trying to remind myself that he hasn’t committed to me, so I won’t commit to him…but I know what I’m feeling. I feel like it’s mutual (we “made love” for the first time last weekend, instead of having sex). So, please tell me: how can I keep this going without starting to imagine the future and keep myself uncommitted?

    Thanks so much,

    Alex



  38.  #38Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    Don’t even bother with guys who live far away. You’re not looking for penpals.



  39.  #39Tina on November 9, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Tonight I was contacted by several men. One did ask me if I was free on friday, I said yes, were going to watch a hockey game, eat then listen to me sing lol. I did date him before. One man wants to argue living in a box vs. staying grounded and souring with the eagles. One just wants me to add him to my msn, he said as far as dating goes “we’ll see” grrr whateveaaaa! One just said “hey, your cute” it’s monday night I guess…



  40.  #40Kaitlyn on November 9, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    What does he mean “we’ll see.” Isnt that what people are on there for…to date?



  41.  #41Bethany on November 9, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I feel so tired worrying about whether or not I’m leaning forward. I really can’t tell anymore. I feel like he gets bored when I’m sitting there struggling to do whatever I feel is TOO LEANING FORWARD when I don’t even really understand how I can be leaned back and relaxed when I’m worrying about it so much. It feels stilted and the conversation doesn’t flow. If I’m MYSELF that means I respond spontaneously but that’s too “friendly”? And the guy is left feeling like we’re friends? Whaaaat? I feel confused.

    I have a date with a guy tomorrow that I really don’t want to go out with. Bleh.



  42.  #42Cassandra on November 9, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    …another awesome post! I feel like sharing my experience with the online dating thing too…..in the past I DID contact men via a smile or wink…never an email and never really thought much about it but now….if I do decide to get back on a site at some point…..I will NOT be making the first contact at all. NOPE. I was on EHarmony for a short 3 month stint specifically practice the tools and I did. I did not contact one man…I only responded to a few that contacted me. I was actually contacted by a man that seems….key word there…..SEEMS to be a wonderful man but I don’t want my focus to be on anyone other than me. I want to be that POND and not that RIVER. It feels wonderful that he has totally taken my energy OFF of Charles and now I barely have any contact with Charles at all. That feels good. The man that I met on EHarmony is ALL boy energy so far in conversations and actions. I actually did get to meet him on a trip back to where I moved from last week and our visits felt wonderful. I let HIM be the River the entire time and I stayed being the POND. It felt wonderful. I don’t think that I have ever done that before and it was great! I feel like celebrating that for myself and I feel proud of that. I did have a setback after getting back home and not hearing from him as I usually have but he DID end up calling and that was a MAJOR opportunity for ME to NOT call him….to NOT call him and ask it he was ok or …what was going on. I did NOT call him. I tried to stay focused on me although I really felt like I had screwed up somehow – don’t feel like that now though – and he did call last that afternoon and when he did….I checked what and how I was feeling and stayed open and believe it or not HIS energy was more like “Have you been super busy all morning??” as though HE was wondering why I did not call him. That felt good but was hard at first. Now….if I don’t hear from him for a longer period of time than usual….OH WELL. I do what makes ME feel good and each time it gets easier. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE learning tool for me and feels wonderful. He has treated me like a princess and wants to spend significant time together over Thanksgiving, Christmas and even New Year’s. I feel kind of afraid of losing my balance again but I am trying to remain more away of ME and what I am feeling. I don’t want my focus to shift to be on him…I want it to stay on me and that in itself makes me a pond! I LOVE BEING A POND! I don’t plan on contacting any man again…online or otherwise! I am soooo prone to overfunctioning so for me it is better to NOT initiate anything.



  43.  #43Tina on November 9, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Kaitlyn, my feeling is that he is attempting to turn the tables kinda like he is the one doing the chosing, an attempt to throw me off my horse 🙂



  44.  #44Tina on November 9, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Cassandra, I feel happy for you now that your away from Charles. You are the pond! I loved that email from Rori, I keep all her emails in a folder and if Im feeling down or whatever, I read one, I feel better 🙂



  45.  #45Bethany on November 9, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    What if he calls and doesn’t leave a message, but you both know his “missed call” shows up on your phone, and there is an expectation for a call back? Is it a “style” like Rori says about guys texting all the time? Is it okay to call back because he initiated the call even though he didn’t leave a message? This one drives me crazy. I feel like, well, if he expects a call back it’s okay to call because he initiated it.



  46.  #46Rori Raye on November 9, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Alex M, Welcome, and thank you for the great question…I’m going to turn it into a full post…Love, Rori



  47.  #47Rori Raye on November 9, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Sarah, Welcome – and good for you! You’re feeling. You’re not doing what you used to do to stop the tension. You’re reversing your trauma reactions, you’re doing good. The rest of this is a job for Circular Dating, now…to help you diffuse your anger and the intensity by slowly allowing your masculine energy to HELP your girl energy by getting you out there in the world, doing things you love. This will help you so much. Love, Rori



  48.  #48Bethany on November 9, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    You know what I’ve learned from reading this blog and especially the comments? The really confident women don’t worry so much about every little thing. They feel steady no matter what. They don’t freak out over little things like what to do when…or oh my god, this happened so this means…

    And it’s not like they’re pretending to be cool, they just are… I want to be like that…it feels a long ways off…but I want to believe it’s not.

    In my out the window practice tonight, I’m reading whatiwore.tumblr.com….this girl keeps an online diary of her daily outfits, most of which are vintage and thrifted, which I love. It’s pure fluffy brain candy and I love it.



  49.  #49Rori Raye on November 9, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    Heather Brianna – Welcome, and brava! Love, Rori



  50.  #50Bethany on November 9, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    What if really confident women are just really integrated? Their minds and hearts work synergistically and they are comfortable and fluid switching back and forth? Oh yeah, the switching hats thing…so maybe when we start out with Rori’s leaning back tools, we’re overcorrecting the head stuff and as we get better, it gets more fluid and less of a “practice” and more a way of life, a way to access the heart while respecting the mind, all in the same woman? I like that idea. That feels like honoring all parts…sometimes I feel like I’m making my mind my enemy and I don’t want to do that. I want to not fight with my mind, just get it to get along with my heart better. Then it becomes the ebb and flow thing that tinque mentioned? I don’t know. Just felt a little click in myself about that. And circular dating is how the integration can happen quickly? Hmmmm



  51.  #51Rori Raye on November 9, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    grace, please, I know this is hard to hear – but there IS no relationship.There is no staying or going. Circular Date. Let him do what he does. Don’t argue with him. Just say you enjoy being with hm and want to date him and have fun, and if and when he’s ready to marry, which is the only way you’ll be exclusive with a man, then you’ll have something to talk about. Love, Rori



  52.  #52Daria on November 9, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    Bethany I remember Rori saying something about not calling back unless he leaves a message specifically asking you to call back.

    I like that. I feel very old fashioned and feminine. LIke “it’s common courtesy my dear, that he should leave a message.” Red lipstick and long silk dresses.

    I normally don’t call back unless I want to give them a heads up that I usually only return calls with a voicemail – and that its ok to leave me a voicemail (my phone has a work related message).



  53.  #53Tina on November 9, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    That feels good to me hehe, I’m not sleeping with you, I do enjoy being with you, I want to date and have fun with you, unless your ready to marry then we’ll talk. Hm, do I want to marry you um let me think? NO, and he just falls to the way side 🙂 this is just the greatest advice.



  54.  #54Daria on November 9, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    It was one of the first steps I took. Instead of obsessively answering my phone, I now have it on silent.

    The past few weeks i’ve been feeling more desperate and needy and I noticed I was getting back to be obsessed with the phone some. Also I don’t feel as satisfied with the men that show up, and I’m not being warm and inviting.

    I leaned forward and did some effort stuff like driving and now I feel drained and kinda bad.

    I feel angry at the men and at myself and the universe for sending me this.



  55.  #55nikita on November 9, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    I had a lovely date 🙂 I felt very relaxed….and I wore red lipstick….chanel red 🙂 and then he walked me home…..so sweet…..and then he kissed me….oooh…..hehehe…..



  56.  #56La'Verne Godfrey-Jones on November 9, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Rori,

    Thanks for replying. Here goes the story: He called me and pursued me for 4 months faithfully. During those 4 months we made plans to meet, but due to something on my behalf we never did, until two Saturdays ago. I stood him up 2 or 3 times within those 4 months. I must admit that at first I wasn’t interested because his pursuit scared me and I gave my marriage another chance (I was honest with him), but I enjoyed his conversations (over the phone) and the fact that he never gave up. Once, I even asked him not to call, because I was trying to work my marriage out and I could tell that hurted him. When I realize that it was over with my marriage, I called him and we started talking again. I would let him call or text me.

    Saturday came and we finally got together, we hugged and laughed at first sight because of all the phone conversations we were finally going to hang out. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I wanted to visit my friend/his cousin. I asked him could I bring my friend and he said yes. He stated that he couldn’t stay long because he had made plans to go out to the club (after I asked him about my friend and told him where I wanted to go). We visited my friend’s (his cousin’s) house, because that’s what I told him I wanted to do and we had fun. We played, laughed, flirted and I really felt a connection.

    While we were playing cards, my friend (whom I brought with us) made a pass at him and I noticed and address her that moment. I told them that if they were feeling each other, that I would step aside; he made it perfectly clear that he did NOT want her. Of course she lied and I told her that she didn’t have to lie it didn’t bother me if they got together, he stated that it would bother him if one of his friends tried to make a pass at me. That conversation rolled over and my friend moved to the couch when he said he wasn’t interested in her. After that we continued playing the card game (still having fun), then we left.

    He took us to my car and I hugged him, he didn’t hug me. I called him on the way home and told him I would have loved to spend more time with him and he said “I can’t tell because you brought your friend and you wanted to go to my cousin’s house”. He said “I have been patience with you, now it’s your turn”. He didn’t call that Sunday, so that Monday I contacted him and I asked him if he was interested in which he stated that “we could mingle” and he asked me to wait for him. I told him that I wasn’t waiting for him and he said, “see I know, but I waited for you”. I told him that I see he has gotten involved with someone else and I don’t want to interfere and to call me when he comes out if I’m available we will get together.

    But a few days later his cousin stated that he was upset that I brought my friend, that he wanted to spend time with me alone and he felt that I was pushing him off on my friend. That wasn’t the case, when he stated that he wasn’t interested in her I left the issue alone and focused on him. So, I called to apologize – he stopped answering my calls and texts. So, I called from another number and when he called back I apologize and told him that that wasn’t the case and he said are you going to continue to talk about the same subject. I said “I didn’t know if you received my text because you didn’t respond”, he said “yes I got them”. I said, “you’re so defensive with your smart mouth” – we joked in the past. I told him that I wasn’t going to give up on him, that I was going to pursue him like he did me and he asked why (I could hear him smiling), I said “because I see in you what you saw in me and I can’t give up”. He said, “I’m a grown man, I move around a lot and I don’t have time for games”. So I said, “you’re totally not interested at all” and he said “no” and I said “ok, everybody is not for everybody” and he said “I know that”. I asked him was he getting me back for all of the times he thought I was rejecting him and he said “no, I don’t do things like that”, I said “ok”. After our phone conversation, I texted him and said “that hurt”- he didn’t respond. I visited his cousin this past Sunday, I texted him and asked him to come over so we could talk, he never responded. I called on yesterday once, he didn’t answer or call back. I prayed and asked to give me strength today and I didn’t called because I know he won’t answer and that hurts me.

    Rori, I really like this man! I’m going threw a seperation from my second husband of 11 years. I haven’t dated in a long time, so I’m not sure as to what is suppose to take place or what is not acceptable. I’m working on rebuilding my self-esteem, where my husband tore it down. I’m not going to lie to you, I cried after me and this gentlemen got off the phone. I will eventually see him because his cousin and I are BEST friends and I’m nervous. I’m 39 years old and this seem strange to me. I like him! How can a person pursue you, you have fun and feel their energy and then they have no interest in you at all?PLEASE HELP!



  57.  #57nikita on November 9, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    Daria……where’s the fluffs? 😉

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    Have your way with the men in your life. It’s the nicest thing you can do for them.

    – Mama Gena

    worth repeating …….



  58.  #58alias girl on November 9, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    i feel very omg. i feel a lot of energy that i can’t really name. i want to go with the flow. i want to receive. i want to be and whatever i am being is ok. whatever i feel is ok. i feel calmer just writing that. i want to stay connected to my source. i love myself. i love myself .i love myself and all my big un-nameable feelings.

    i feel so unfocussed on men right now.

    the good news is that i applied to a bunch of jobs that are far from ideal today (that is not the good news.) the good news is that everyone was really friendly to me even though i still had a little of my old baggage i was toting along regarding employers and being employed. so i feel great about that. maybe those days are over for me. that feels like a thought that could release a river of tears of relief.

    honest to god, i just want to be happy and have fulfilling relationships and a satisfying work life and bbqs with friends and stuff.



  59.  #59Daria on November 9, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    I deliberately went to the Chanel counter and bought a red lipstick today!

    I wore it and it wore off and my dad came in

    he said that doesnt look good… it looks like its not put on well right and it doesnt look good

    i said oh… i said i dont feel interested

    he said what do you mean you dont feel interested

    i said i dont think youre right

    and then he left

    yay
    i said a little something

    more practice



  60.  #60Daria on November 9, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    BBq’s with friends!!! would rock



  61.  #61nikita on November 9, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Daria,

    yay! I replaced mine a few days ago 🙂

    I admit using a nude lipliner helps it keep it’s form…and you have to reapply it. often ..which I love….it comes off after eating and smoking …. I like it though…it gives me something TO DO. a little bit goes a long way.



  62.  #62Daria on November 9, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Aww… LaVerne do you have Rori’s book? you have to LEAN BACK! don’t pursue him!! don’t give him a hug call him or text him..

    who knows whats going on with him… it DOESNTMATTER

    yes you cried and thats ok ! its good to feel your feelings… but that felt BAD … you don’t want BAD … let him go without chasing him one second… anything that feels bad you let out your life…

    only say yes to waht feels good

    there ARE SO MANY MEN and there will be MANY that will pursue you… date them all and only say yes to what feels good

    that is Circular Dating…

    and Rori’s book is about 20 dollars, thats the basics for her stuff



  63.  #63Daria on November 9, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    shake it shake it shake it shake it



  64.  #64alias girl on November 9, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    hahaha “what do you mean you don’t feel interested?” hahahahaha.

    i feel laugh out loud at that story.

    red lipstick – i’ve yet to get the hang of it. also i’m not so sure it is all that flattering on me. some women seem to be able to do it and some Not.

    although now i feel like giving it another try. 🙂

    ah, chanel. maybe i’ll go sneak into that movie also.

    some guy eeked himself out of my rotation earlier tonight. i didn’t FEEL I as receiving good stuff. i felt like manic snowballs of energy and words were being thrown at me and i felt Not Heard or Got.

    he said “are we still on for this thursday?” and i said “i’m not sure.”

    and he got all huffy. and asked why and i said because that’s how i feel in this moment.

    there were other things said but i already feel bored with the retelling. i feel like who cares. anyway he said well “let me know when you’re ready to meet.” i said. ok. and then we hung up. i felt uncared for. plus i got a weird vibe from him. anyway i honestly don’t care and feel relieved not to have to be in that weird energy with snowballs coming at me every which way.



  65.  #65Daria on November 9, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    im feeling needy with men

    needy needy needy

    show me attention! kapash (whip smaking)

    flirt with me!

    pick me up!

    ravish me!

    massage my feet and paint my toes!

    kapash!



  66.  #66nikita on November 9, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Alias Girl,

    I saw the Chanel movie……I feel happy I did….I feel a lil concerned I haven’t seen MJ’s though…..

    I feel like you would look good in red lips 🙂 There’s a few different Chanel reds….I use lotus rouge…. I tried all of them out after looking all over the other brands and it felt perfect for me…..I love your complexion 🙂

    I feel obsessed with red lipstick…I feel intense…I feel like letting it go….

    xx nikita



  67.  #67nikita on November 9, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    until tomorrow …..hehehe 🙂



  68.  #68Daria on November 9, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    I used to think i cant do red too until i just decided i will do red HA

    I feel bemoaning… oh poor me… the quality of my men has gone DOWN… aww boo hooie

    Boring men. not stepping up men… do you drive as first question men… i dont want to paint toes men… come see me men… send me naked pics men (ok i actually felt inspired and turned on by that) but live in florida men…

    FUCK YOU

    I feel like PUSH!!!! you away



  69.  #69Tina on November 9, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Oh, Alias girl, You would look hot hot hot in red red red lipstick.



  70.  #70Daria on November 9, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    bounce up and down!!!

    waaah

    I want my good quality of men!!!

    waaaaah

    this SUX

    waaaah

    rrragggaamuffin



  71.  #71Daria on November 10, 2009 at 12:00 am

    i noticed my friend yesterday walks like a goddess when we go out in public around men… and when men come around her… even if shes not necessarily interested… she SLOWS DOWN and gives them a long turned on look… it of course works hehe to attract men…

    i feel afraid still of actually having that much attention

    although i like it



  72.  #72alias girl on November 10, 2009 at 12:04 am

    haha i feel very cheered up to read of your obsession with red lipstick, nikita. i feel enabling saying that. i feel a sense of girly good stuff with an obsession with red lipstick. a feeling very close to the cheeriness of a bouncey castle.

    thank you for compliment. i feel conflicted but grateful.

    i have a meeting that is important to me tomorrow and i spoke with the woman today and i felt like uh oh this may not be a match and so i stressed and stressed today which led to a huge power nap and then finally it was like eff it. obviously something about my authentic self peaked her interest to originally arrange a meeting so that is what i feel best giving to her and if it’s not a match then i feel ok with it. i am not flipper the dolphin ok. that is Not my personality. and to pretend to be flipper is actually repulsive to my sense of dignity. i am who i am.



  73.  #73alias girl on November 10, 2009 at 12:11 am

    thank you tina. i’ve tried it and since it’s so red i feel like i need to put it on the under part of my top lip or else there is this discrepancy of color but when i do that is gets on my teeth and well i don’t quite now how to do the red lipstick thing but i do feel like trying it again. i wonder if there is any in my drawer. i could try it right NOW!!!

    daria you are a super goddess. period. see if leftkoe has something to eradicate your undeserving belief. and then if you find that send me the link if you would be so kind since i could probably benefit from it as well.



  74.  #74Daria on November 10, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Hi AG…

    yes he does but its part of a program and hasnt been offered free…

    i still have to do I’m not important and I’m not capable

    that might feel fun to do soon



  75.  #75Daria on November 10, 2009 at 12:18 am

    I feel supported in my Lefkoe efforts and in my Goddessness AG! thanks! yay



  76.  #76Tina on November 10, 2009 at 12:35 am

    Alias girl, I believe there is a red for everyone! 🙂 I had this awful red color , it was just not the red for me, it left that line thing you mentioned, I use it more as a lip stain than a lipstick with lip gloss over it. 🙂 weeee like love lipstick!



  77.  #77Kaitlyn on November 10, 2009 at 1:02 am

    Reds don’t look good on most people. very aging and makes lips look smaller. But kudos to you if you can rock it. Get a nude lip liner and do a red lipgloss instead of lipstick.



  78.  #78Katja on November 10, 2009 at 1:04 am

    Paula,where are you from???



  79.  #79La'Verne Godfrey-Jones on November 10, 2009 at 5:13 am

    Daria,

    Thanks for your advice, please know that I will exercise it to the fullest! I especially like the comment “do what feels good to you”! I will buy her book on today! Thanks again!!!



  80.  #80nikita on November 10, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Poo Poo…..reds don’t look good…..poo poo…..poo poo poo poo poo poo……there is a rainbow of reds….a myriad of choices……from orange reds….to blue reds….to yellow…..to purple reds……beautiful rainbow of reds for everyone brave enough to experiment……limitless reds everywhere….embrace your inner red…..

    Red screams!…… “YES I KNOW IT IS RED” BRIGHT BRIGHT RED…….”strong vibrant lips….brave lips…..provocative LOOK AT ME lips……. I am proud of my lips…..and I dress them up in “My LOVE”………

    Brave Lips 🙂

    My new**** Targeting the perfect red lips program**** is now available

    xoxo Nikita



  81.  #81Maria on November 10, 2009 at 10:04 am

    AG, have u ever considered of eing a fashion stylist for celebrities for instance 🙂



  82.  #82Maria on November 10, 2009 at 10:05 am

    sorry, *being*



  83.  #83Simply Shannon on November 10, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Nikita: Your post has me singing Madonna… “gonna dress you up in my love, in my love, all over your body…” LOL! I love red lipstick too!

    Kaitlyn: I feel judged. I don’t want to be told what to do or what to like. It feels better to hear how each person is feeling about things instead of a judgement/opinion. In other words, if I don’t like wearing red lipstick, I might say “I feel old when I wear red lipstick.” I feel triggered.

    Mr. Manly Man is pushing himself off my horse. He keeps harping on the fact that I’m dating other men. He can’t seem to let it go. And it has me feeling like I’m having to reassure him that I like him. Ugh. That feels annoying and exhausting and I told him as much. I tried to be open to him but I’m not even sure I want to be anymore. He hasn’t crossed a boundary with me. Mind you, he’s standing on it but I’m not budging so it’s not like he can cross over it.

    I just want to have fun people! Mr. Manly Man’s message to me is that *I* need to do a better job of keeping the conversation/relationship from being so serious upfront. I need to state outloud when things are going too fast for me. I want to find a fun and inviting way to do that rather than automatically going to feeling annoyed and done. And I’ve also learned that while I like men who take charge, I don’t feel good around men who want to control me. Mr. Manly Man definitely has some control issues. It’s like getting Chinese Water Torture some days. Just drips of water constantly! Stop it!! 🙂



  84.  #84DocK on November 10, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    I primarily use Facebook (FB) but got onto MySpace (MyS) because I couldn’t find a couple people from my past (roommates). Every now and then I’d get a friend request on MyS but wasn’t interested. Finally, one guy friended me – he was cute and lived close by so I accepted.

    This online interaction stuff just feels off to me but I feel happy to hear it works for others. I ended up never meeting this guy even though we chatted a bit on-line and by phone.

    He got annoyed because I had a small window timewise to get together with him (I do lots of stuff). Said that he wasn’t a “between 2 and 4 kind of guy.” I tried to smooth it over saying something like, ‘I feel bad. I didn’t mean to offend. I am so in love with my passions I feel happiest when I have a schedule filled with them.’ Something like that.

    I felt really unclear about why he had an issue. I mean, if I am meeting someone for the first time, I feel uncomfortable spending more than an hour getting to know him any way.

    I feel so much better doing my face-to-face flirting.



  85.  #85DocK on November 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Speaking of flirting…

    I do wonder sometimes how we get hung up on someone so quickly as one of the beautiful women posted above.

    I think I am one of the older women here – and if you followed the belief system of our culture with respect to older women – I should just knit socks and hang it up.

    I went to a bar on Saturday waiting for some friends to pick me up to go hear a band. I was supposed to have a date that night but he was really sick. My friend’s husband said, “DocK, if I were single and had a date with you I’d have to be in the emergency room to miss it.” (His wife and he have a great 30+ year relationship and she doesn’t get offended by him joking like that.) He said that he didn’t understand why I didn’t have list of guys waiting to go out with me and the cute 20 something year old bartender said, “How do I get on that list?” After the show, I went back into the bar and the bartender was getting off work and bought me a drink. Then someone other guy bought us a round and, I felt like Mercedes, I didn’t pay for a drink all night. : )

    When I was walking out the door to leave – two young guys were leaving as well (the one held the door open) and then we started talking and chatted for about 20 minutes.

    Even so, I know I get the NV’s in my head when these young guys flirt with me and I think to myself, ‘What are they thinking?’ I know I wouldn’t think the same way if our ages were reversed.

    I don’t think it is any coincidence that this is happening as I am re-listening to my Rori Siren program. It always seems to help me so much to get my vibe open again. : ) (thanks Rori)



  86.  #86Paula on November 10, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Katja – I live in a very beautiful, very remote part of Europe (I won’t say exactly where just in case anyone I know reads this 😉 ) but I may be moving….. I have a great 80 year old neighbour who would really miss me and I her. She’s so wise, she says ‘you could be learning until you’re 100’, ‘A shut mouth catches no flies’ (her version of leaning back), ‘You only need a man some of the time’… 🙂

    I feel so happy today. The sun was shining. I went for a long walk. On my walks, I regularly meet a guy who runs. We smile, say hello. Today he was getting into his car as I was arriving to walk. He waved. I felt appreciated.

    I also heard from Mr Daily Email contact. I got a nice email from him apologising for not being in touch because his internet has been out of action. He drove to MacDonalds to use their Wifi to email me. I feel wanted.

    He’s the first guy I’ve met online who I enjoy hearing from. I really feel heard by him. Maybe I’ll get to meet him soon. If not, I still feel happy.



  87.  #87nikita on November 10, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Simply Shannon,

    that song was totally on my mind when I wrote it….I was inspired by Tina saying “love lipstick” 🙂

    and….I just finished watching part two….yayy…I feel warm and gooey inside….what a man is….

    http://www.newspring.cc/series/dontgetmarried

    it Rocked!!!!!! thanks again 😉



  88.  #88Chaudemaman on November 10, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    I feel sick and stuffy and i don’t like it one bit… Aside from that life is grand, isn’t it?
    I never used to wear red lipstick until about a year or so ago… usually wore more of wine or rosy browns… well unless I’m camping or beaching it I only wear red lipstick! It took a long time to find the right shade and I will go into mourning if the shade I wear is no longer being sold! I shall share with you all my fave… Vintage Red (370) by Marcelle. It’s a drugstore brand so not terribly expensive. And another secret to red lips… a lip brush and well moisturized lips… nothing looks worse than dry, cracked lips done up in red… ewwwww!



  89.  #89Tina on November 10, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I agree Chaudemaman, I use lip moisturizer all the time, also there is this great stuff that keeps it from running, if you happen to have lines kinda like an invisible lip liner. Oh and I run my electric toothbrush over my lips , when I remember, especially after morning coffee 🙂 then moisturize, I dont even need lipstick 🙂 then use the red as a stain for daytime 🙂



  90.  #90DocK on November 10, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    OH – I am loving this lipstick dialogue. I got curious about the ooh la la red lipstick Chaudemaman is speaking of and found this:

    “You can purchase Annabelle products in the USA by calling our Customer Services. Please contact extension 352, toll free, at 1 800 387-7710, should you wish to place an order. Please visit http://www.annabellescosmetics.com to find out which products interest you the most! Please note that the minimum order must be of $30.00 CAD. ”

    Since I am the Imelda Marcos (sp?) of lipsticks
    I wasn’t going to let this one get away!!!!



  91.  #91DocK on November 10, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    (Annabelle is sister company of Marcelle)



  92.  #92tinque on November 10, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    link doesn’t work DocK 🙁



  93.  #93DocK on November 10, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    OH NOOOO!! Chaudemaman – HELP!!



  94.  #94DocK on November 10, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    OK – for those of you not interested in the lipstick – disregard this thread – but if you are…

    so I found this on the Marcelle website (which says that you cannot order online now but may be able to in the future).

    “If I live outside of Canada, how should I proceed to be able to order your products?”

    Our products are unfortunately not available in stores or through distributors outside of Canada for now. However, if you live in the United States, you can order by telephone by contacting our Consumer Services department at 1 800 387-7710.



  95.  #95nikita on November 10, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    I love that name…Vintage Red,

    HOT



  96.  #96ABC on November 10, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    has any of you girls ever felt this way before?? anyone who’s listening to Rori’s Reconnect your relationship program???

    in it, Rori said that “when i feel anxious, i start doing things, that’s more of my style….i found that pain is NOT in the soup, it’s in the resistance of the soup.”

    I am feeling very anxious these two days. i know that deep down something is gonna come up, it almost feels like the answer is going to merge soon. i am almost there.

    i’ve been rejected and ignored by a guy who just wants to be friends, yet because of professional reasons, i still have to see him from time to time, it did not help when you are still trying to get over someone.

    but why am i feeling so anxious?? i feel like shaking, and talking so fast, and reaching out to him. now i RECOGNIZE that when i feel anxious, my style is to reach out and seek closure. and i am stopping myself from doing any of that.

    I was listening to Reconnect today when i was driving to school. and all of a sudden, i notice that i am very anxious. and then i know i am feeling afraid, but what exactly am i afraid of??? it’s been bugging me the whole day.

    then a voice came up—that i am afraid of letting go. i am afraid of loosing him–that even if just friendship, subconsciously i wanted to keep him as a friend and settle with that.

    is this why i am so tense and anxious?? i want to let go, but i don’t want to let go?? is this what’s driving me nuts??

    anyone?? any suggestions?? Rori??



  97.  #97Flipper on November 10, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Oh Chaudemaman, that’s exactly how it feels when they don’t make your lipstick shade anymore – mourning!! That happened to me a few years back and I’m still grieving. I’d been wearing Tomette by Bourjois so long, I started to get antsy and would always buy 2 at a time. And then it happened. None to be found, anywhere. I have 1/4 tube left (prolly half rancid by now), for extra special. Though definitely red, it was a very natural looking red, a tad brick-y, that didn’t come off garish on pale skin, and never got on my teeth.

    I’ve been looking and looking, tried zilions of others, and never found anything I liked as much (I keep checking that brand to this day, hoping they’ll reissue it under another name). One almost, by Revlon, but they quit making that, too. Maybe I need a havethelipstickyouwant program so it will come to ME.



  98.  #98Chaudemaman on November 10, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    Dock u r awesome! Marcelle also makes a great under eye concealer too… doesn’t crinkle up and goes on nice and easy…lol
    3 things i can’t bear to vanish…
    my lipstick colour
    my hair colour
    my hair stylist
    tee hee

    oh wait! my tinted moisturizer!



  99.  #99Bethany on November 10, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Re: red lipstick: MAC Ruby Woo is where it’s at, ladies. Perfectly matte, classic red that works on everyone.



  100.  #100nikita on November 10, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    Flipper,

    I feel supportive of you mourning your fave lipcolour
    I used to wear a lip liner as a stain/lipstick…it was by Mac called Brick red or just brick….maybe you’ve already tried it but….I’d just moisturize and color my entire lip…I really liked that color for years….you reminded me…..Nars had an interesting lip stain as well…it was in a round canister….maybe it was vamp or something…it didn’t suit me exactly but……

    I feel very supportive and I hope the angels help you find one of equal or greater value 😉

    hugs and red kisses
    xoxo
    nikita



  101.  #101nikita on November 10, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    LOL

    online dating turned into online cosmetics 🙂

    It feels close to dating and pampering ourselves via the internet…..

    I feel charmed 🙂

    Serious Sirens wear Red…..just kidding….Sirens can go bare too….or pink….or gold…..

    I want SIREN RED lipstick!!!



  102.  #102nikita on November 10, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    one of my online conquests calls me everyday…..but yesterday I didn’t answer cuz I was busy on my date 🙂

    so today he called again 🙂

    But now I’m going to get ready for another date with Masculine guy….I feel so sleepy though……maybe I’ll let him kiss me longer and wear all my red lipstick off…hehehe…or not…..we’ll see how I FEEL !!!

    xxnikita



  103.  #103gina on November 10, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    all this talk about lipstick inspired me to dish out 30 bucks for Chanel “Enthusiast” ! I’ll let you know if i love it. I have a nice red by “Lola” cosmetics, but it broke at the base – I hate it when that happens. Anyway, I feel excited about my very first Chanel purchase. I’ve gotta upload pics of my apartment. I just love the thought of putting on red chanel lipstick in my gorgeous bedroom – I feel like a princess!



  104.  #104Linda on November 10, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    I opened my profile online again. I feel better about it now. I have enjoyed my break from it.

    I used to contact men first, but now I dont.It just works for me, feels better. I dont feel like it is a rule just what feel best to me. I used to look, send a note, but 99% of the time, I did not hear back from men. Funny thing is maybe several weeks or even months later, I would get a email from a man I had contacted with no response and it was like they just saw my pic and contacting me for the first time between us. Kinda of an odd observation of mine.

    I have a friend that loves it when a woman contacts him first. So i guess there are all kinds of men out there and their attitudes vary.

    about red lipstick. I LOVE red. but… lipstick in red turns orange on me. The Ph in my skin turns any red I have tried orange. Maybe there is something I can put on before but have not found success yet. I am jealous, I wanna wear red lipstick, with my red stillettos!

    Linda



  105.  #105Tina on November 10, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    When I try to choose a red lipstick for myself, I usually go wrong, I always ask for help with the girl at the counter, they are usually estheticians and know what color red looks best. At first I say oh that’s to red or whatever but I end up really like the color after a few wears. She never steers me wrong 🙂



  106.  #106Tina on November 10, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    When I am using red lipstick, I want to load on the mascara and eyeliner (no shadow,) I can only do this with red lipstick though. 🙂



  107.  #107Daria on November 10, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    I wore red lipstick tonite! I was Toastmaster at Toastmasters for the very first time hehe. I did really great, everyone said wow that was awesome! The theme was poetry and i read them lil poems from the Rubayiat of Omar Khayyam here and there…

    and i wore a red dress with golden earrings and red lipstick, and a white leather jacket

    it took a lot of managing to come up with the agenda and fill the meeting, omgoodness… i feel accomplished



  108.  #108Tina on November 11, 2009 at 12:06 am

    Daria, I’m sure you looked Goddessy in your red lipstick and dress while you read poetry, sounds awesome!



  109.  #109alias girl on November 11, 2009 at 3:22 am

    congrats on the chanel lipstick gina! i feel envious. 🙂

    i feel good to read you put your profile back up linda. I feel understanding with taking breaks.

    sarah i feel compassion. i feel good you are here. rori’s tools have helped me soo much.

    flipper my condolences on your no-longer-available favorite lipstick. 🙁 that has happened with me with cosmetics and sometimes it’s good because it forces me to experiment all over again. and sometimes all i can do is mourn the perfect match i had already found.

    tina thanks for your encouragement about there being a red for everyone. i feel SCARED of red lipstick. i’m not really kidding. i feel unsure why. maybe because it’s so bold and sexy.

    laverne godfrey-jones i feel VERY EXCITED about you getting rori’s book. one can actually go very very far just on that info alone. in my opinion. i feel excited.

    maria thanks for the suggestion. i love fashion. i’m not sure i would be a good stylist because i don’t know exactly what a stylist does. but i would feel thrilled to be a buyer for rich women. i could learn their style and go buy things i think they will like and then return whatever they didn’t like. i’m sure there must be Some rich women who are either too busy or just don’t like to shop.

    simply shannon i feel very good to read your journey and you holding your boundaries and learning what you like and don’t like and want and don’t want.

    docK i feel so amused to read the universe sending you young men. 🙂 I feel smiley. if only just to witness the expansion it seemingly causes in you. 🙂

    paula i felt good to read your feelings of happiness.

    ruby woo, compliments of bethany 🙂
    http://www.maccosmetics.com/product/spp.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT168&PRODUCT_ID=310&SKU_ID=1136&QUERY=ruby woo

    nikita i feel charmed by all the red lipstick-ness too.

    grace i feel good for you. i feel good to read that.

    tracey i am learning to receive also. i’m not sure how i feel about it. possibly suspicious. and a little indebted. and unworthy. yes, so a litte more practice with receiving for me. 🙂

    paula i feel good to read your honesty and i feel supportive.

    mercedes i feel intrigued by your different viewpoint and admiring of your willingness to share it.

    alex m i feel confused because you say “it’s mutually defined as casual.” yet it sounds like you actually want more. i feel confused.

    tinque, abc, maryann and ann i feel good you are here. ann i miss you commenting more. 🙁

    kaitlyn i feel unsure too. the site i am on if i don’t float around it and look at random men’s profiles it seems the system hides me in the back pages or something and i don’t show up when men are searching. so sometimes if it gets slow i’ll go looking at men’s profiles. so i feel unsure. i am SURE though if i were all rockstar and had that goddess vibe going on that men would come find me. they would be knocking on my door literall. because i believe in the law of attraction.

    although i feel in agreement with aldonza regarding sending the first email. i’d rather not.

    heather brianna x0x0

    yae katie!

    Chaudemaman i hope you feel better.

    cassandra wow! i feel ecstatic at what seems like a “new normal” and good feelings. yae. I feel encouraging of circular dating.

    daria yae and congrats on your toastmasters success. i feel very supportive and proud. (and also intrgiued by your outfit description.) 🙂

    ok i feel pretty sure i will never try and address Every siren on the page again. i feel a little embarrassed and amused that i attempted to this time. but i never know how i will feel sometimes until after i do something.

    i love all the sirens. 🙂 i feel grateful. thank you.



  110.  #110Katja on November 11, 2009 at 3:28 am

    Paula,I asked because I live in germany. 🙂



  111.  #111Flipper on November 11, 2009 at 4:58 am

    Thanks, Nikita and AG for your support in my lipstick loss.

    Alias Girl, I felt a thrill when you hit on the ‘buying for celebs’ idea. I’ve met women who do that in the European fashion capitals where they live for high-flying tourists and businesswomen who are well off but pressed for time to take advantage of their shorts stays and limited contacts to stock up on haute- and only-local couture. L.A. must attract the same profile travellers, so maybe you’ve found yourself a comfy, stimulating niche there!

    I’m not on dating sites, but the thought that occurred to me reading about other Sirens looking or not at men’s profiles is this: To me, it seemed a little like looking at the men around us, holding eye contact for a few seconds and smiling at them if they looked at us. I’m not out hunting down targets to hook up with, just minding my own business but being aware of the masculine energies around me and being willing to interact with them at the most basic level. If you’re on a site, what’s more normal than looking around at the other people on there, too? As in real life, I wouldn’t go over and start a convo (initiate a contact) with a guy, and; oh horror, I’d Never ‘wink’ at one either. But I’m learning to get over my shyness and fear by letting them know I SEE them. Looking at profiles with no followup on my part seems like it might feel like the virtual equivalent – just a tiny indication that I’m there and maybe approachable. Just like in the supermarket, they won’t know if I’ll smile at them unless they look back at me. What do you think?



  112.  #112Flipper on November 11, 2009 at 5:02 am

    Thanks, Nikita and AG for your support in my lipstick loss.

    Alias Girl, I felt a thrill when you hit on the ‘buying for celebs’ idea. I’ve met women who do that in the European fashion capitals where they live for high-flying tourists and businesswomen who are well off but pressed for time to take advantage of their shorts stays and limited contacts to stock up on haute- and only-local couture. L.A. must attract the same profile travellers, so maybe you’ve found yourself a comfy, stimulating niche there!

    I’m not on dating sites, but the thought that occurred to me reading about other Sirens looking or not at men’s profiles is this: To me, it seemed a little like looking at the men around us, holding eye contact for a few seconds and smiling at them if they looked at us. I’m not out hunting down targets to hook up with, just minding my own business but being aware of the masculine energies around me and being willing to interact with them at the most basic level. If you’re on a site, what’s more normal than looking around at the other people on there, too? As in real life, I wouldn’t go over and start a convo (initiate a contact) with a guy, and; oh horror, I’d Never ‘wink’ at one either. But I’m learning to get over my shyness and fear by letting them know I SEE them. Looking at profiles with no followup on my part seems like it might feel like the virtual equivalent – just a tiny indication that I’m there and maybe approachable. Just like in the supermarket, they won’t know if I’ll smile at them unless they look back at me. What do you think?

    Daria – Brava! I can just see you as the Red Queen of Toastmasters, even color-coding with the poet’s rubies.



  113.  #113Flipper on November 11, 2009 at 5:09 am

    PS Sorry for double post – second one has an extra line for Daria.

    Ann, I also miss your posting – and that of other Goddesses who haven’t given recent news. I hope that mostly means they’re out there leading the happy life they want and deserve. And if not, my sympathy goes out to them even if they don’t make their travails known. Hugs.



  114.  #114Maria on November 11, 2009 at 5:36 am

    AG, a stylist can be various – botique window decoration, stylist for photoshoot etc, getting the right clothes for different occasions. For instance, a friend of mine was a fashion stylist for TV news anchors – gettting them right outfit for the broadcast. Thats one way to do it. But personal assistant and buyer is kind of under the same classification.



  115.  #115Chaudemaman on November 11, 2009 at 6:46 am

    My lovely sirens,
    I will breifly describe my online dating experiences. I have been on lava off and on for 7-8 years. mostly off for the last 5 years as I took time off as I got pregnant and had my lovely boy who is now 3. I just didn’t have any desire or energy to want to put myself out there.
    Two summers ago I decided to put up a profile and I was not feeling good about myself at the time. I thought it would boost my self esteem and mood. I swear I could hear crickets every time I logged on to check the activity. NOTHING! Not one single soul smiled, mailed or chatted with me for the 3 weeks I left my profile up. Talk about demoralizing. I honestly believe that the universe was sending me a message that time around. Chaude, you are not ready to date, you need to be happy with yourself, happy with your life and NO MAN can fix you or your life for you. Heck, I don’t even think I had a horse I was feeling that low! It was more like I was crawling through a desert looking at mirages.
    Fast forward to this summer. A male friend of mine and I started chatting online about relationships as his marriage had deteriorated and he was/is determined to turn it around and I felt ready to try dating again. He actually is the one who recommended Rori to me. At first (sorry Rori, about this) I could not stand listening to her voice. It completely annoyed me… lol. My friend got really ticked at me and told me to try again and this time hear the message. I ignored him… lol. But I did find this site and read and lurked about. And it’s this site that turned my focus away from “Rori” to her message. Now I can actually HEAR the message.
    Any way, put up a great pic of me, wrote an awesome profile and all I can say is WOW! The quality of men and the numbers were amazing. (I had a CFO, an engineer, city planner, a corporate chef etc. ) I had my pick and I circular dated and had fun! I had 5 men in my rotation… I was leaning back and just enjoying their company and being in the moment.
    I guess the moral of the story is… it is about your vibe, your energy, your aura… and men (well anyone really) can sense it even if it’s online. I don’t know how but my philosophy is that everything living and non living is made of energy… the internet is energy to and some how those waves of energy from us and the world around us is transferring back and forth and mingling and… well, you can feel it.
    So what I am trying to say is this… you gotta believe in your core that you are worth the time and attention and that you are the goddess, the siren, the rock star.
    Also I just scanned thru the men’s profiles… didn’t even read them. It appeared to them I did but I was just “passing thru”. Another tip… change up your pic, your opening line, your interests etc. to keep it fresh and on lava it would show up as a new profile so you are always near the top!
    Love you all and I do have more to say but my brain is all muddled from this head cold…lol
    Chaudemaman



  116.  #116Paula on November 11, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Katja – I’m hoping to move to the South East of France – near the Swiss border. Wouldn’t it be great to have a european sirens group where we could actually meet and support one another? I feel excited about that. I feel scared of such a big move ‘though. I always feel happy when the sun shines and I’m sure I’ll get more sun in the South of France.

    AG – I feel warm and smiley on reading your post to all the sirens. Thank you.

    Chaudemaman – get well soon. I feel in agreement that we have an online vibe. Even from a few paragraphs and a photo.

    I don’t feel so worried about online dating. My profile is out there on 2 sites. I’m just leaning back now and seeing what happens. My vibe is changing on the street anyway. I’ve stopped looking at my feet and I smile and make eye contact and even chat to men, women, dogs, children. (Cats just won’t make eye contact…) Life is surprising.

    I feel embarassed to say that I don’t know how to wear lipstick. I can do lip gloss though – that’s easy. I can’t wear eye shadow either. It’s a bit gap in my goddess education.

    Love to all



  117.  #117Chaudemaman on November 11, 2009 at 7:07 am

    good morning Dock!
    I am a “reformed cougar” myself… Since my 30’s I have dated younger men… my last younger man was my son’s father and he is 14 years my junior. I had no trouble attracting the young guys eventho I would never say I was fit or even close to approaching movie star beautiful… I was just attracted to them… I honestly believe it’s part of my genetics… I seem to come from a linage of cougars… lol (another story)
    Younger men are delicious and they are attracted to older women because we are not all fluff and worried about the latest Paris Hilton exploit, stuff like that. We older women ooze confidence, sexuality and that’s alluring to them. It’s a refreshing change from the 20 year olds who aren’t doing the Rori Raye program and are oozing desperation.
    My advice, enjoy them! LMAO!



  118.  #118Simply Shannon on November 11, 2009 at 8:06 am

    I’m reposting a question from Laura that I read on her “new questions/stories” post. I feel very curious about this too and hope you lovely Sirens can tell me how you feel about this and how you might handle it.
    ————————
    One question….I am satisfied that I have been clear enough about where I stand with these men [no girlfriend], but I also don’t want to throw it in their faces. When asked what I am doing by one man, do I say….straight out….going out to dinner. Or do I strive for vague? I have a friend who use to preach “More mystery; less history.”
    Thoughts about tact, honesty and helping people “save face” while maintaining my own integrity?
    ————————



  119.  #119Simply Shannon on November 11, 2009 at 8:10 am

    Chaude: I can definitely feel your energy and I love the “lineage of cougars” comment! LMAO!



  120.  #120Chaudemaman on November 11, 2009 at 8:29 am

    Simply Shannon,
    Thank you! Both grandmothers had married younger men, my mom after my parents divorced, dated younger men… so yeah i figure it had to be genetics…lol
    As for Laura’s question… just the bare necessities… “I have dinner plans.” If the guys in her rotation know that she’s circular dating (and even if they don’t), it’s none of their business…lol If they do know about the circular dating, they will assume it’s another guy any way…



  121.  #121nikita on November 11, 2009 at 8:42 am

    Gina 😉

    I feel all giggly about your first Chanel purchase…..!!

    Linda,

    have you tried putting a base of concealer on your lips and/or foundation, then lining them in nude….and then applying the lipstick?….or specifically requesting a blue-based red?

    the Chanel counter is very helpful and lets you try on lots of stuff and explains everything…..then you can take your experience to the other brands and ask for exactly what you want…..Mac is cool…but I like the maturity of Chanel……Shiseido seemed helpful as well but I wasn’t crazy about their selection of reds……
    xoxo
    Nikita



  122.  #122nikita on November 11, 2009 at 9:04 am

    ….and it’s worth mentioning that a bit of transluscent powder on the lips helps it stay in place and maybe gives a fuller appearance…..I prefer matte red….not creamy…cuz creamy moves around too much….but powdering the lips after concealer and liner makes a big difference…in staying true to the color.

    and as Tina mentioned…..I only wear mascara and a little eyeliner……no shadow either…the red is so powerful…..I feel like it does all of the work and it looks effortless…..

    I love red….I don’t feel the need to do anything else to my face once I put it on 🙂

    sigh,….sweet sweet effortless sexy red 😉



  123.  #123nikita on November 11, 2009 at 9:09 am

    Simply Shannon….

    Everyone is “just a friend” until they propose 😉

    …..oh, I have plans……I’m meeting a friend,…..just a friend,……we’re going to grab a bite to eat,……yes, a male friend,……he’s just a friend……no worries 🙂

    more mystery…..less history……YES.

    it’s honest without being bawdy
    xx



  124.  #124Kaitlyn on November 11, 2009 at 9:17 am

    I like the “I have dinner plans.” Very succint yet not pushy or negative.



  125.  #125nikita on November 11, 2009 at 9:23 am

    SS,

    to be clear, my dialogue up there is continuous if the guy keeps pushing and asking more questions….I agree that less is more….

    “I made plans….maybe another time?”



  126.  #126Simply Shannon on November 11, 2009 at 9:29 am

    I agree Nikita! It feels like a confidence thing. If I feel secure in myself, the conversation is all about what I did, how I felt doing it, and nothing about my “friends”. Or, conversely, if the conversation keeps going and I feel interrogated, I could just say “this feels awkward. I feel like I’m being interviewed”. I’ve had this happen before and I always feel awkward but that’s something inside of me being fearful that I’ll lose a man if he knows I’m dating other people. Mr. Manly Man has taught me that is so NOT true. He hates that I’m seeing other people, but he’s still calling. 😉



  127.  #127loveurori on November 11, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Rori you are my Goddess, I love you. thanks so much for all your sharing with us. God Bless You 🙂



  128.  #128nikita on November 11, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Mr. Manly Man just cracks me up 😉

    he’s cute……aaaw pouty man 🙁

    you’ll be ok……no you can not have your shannon cake and eat it too……cuz it’ll spoil your supper…. 🙂



  129.  #129Laura on November 11, 2009 at 11:01 am

    HEY SHANNON-
    Found my post…yea!!
    You guys ROCK!! Absolutely….I agree with all responses thus far. Everyone is a “friend” and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the part about focusing on my experience of the dinner or movie or sporting event……not my “friend”!! the best part about doing this is knowing how much most guys DO NOT REALLY CARE about how much you enjoyed your dinner with someone else…(insert evil laugh here!). They really want to know what is going on with him and your feelings about him.

    Guess they will just have to figure out a way to ASK the REAL question!!! Oh….this can actually be fun!



  130.  #130Katie on November 11, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Hi Sirens and Sirens in training,
    I am still waiting for arrival of Modern Siren DVD’s set – but in the meantime I’m practising a few of the things that i’ve seen and heard and read. It’s great! – am talking to everyone more ( hi Paula) and am going to sit down and reply to online dating guys who’ve shown some interest.

    Just spent a few minutes at my ex’s house and just was leaning way back there, listening, commenting and secretly wondering if he thought I seemed different. He said he’d like to meet for a coffee (likes my company, etc). I said ‘well just call or text me whenever’, like I don’t really mind if he doesn’t or does – leaning back. It’s good.



  131.  #131Katie on November 11, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Just been reading Rori’s latest letter emailed today ‘Be His Heartbeat and Feel powerful Again’..These are so helpful:
    “…if you’re feeling like the last thing on a man’s “plate” – like you’re a comfortable old shoe and can’t seem to get out of that trap and really, truly engage his heart, I
    can help.
    This happens to us when our attachment to a man
    gets stronger than our love for ourselves — and
    all it takes to get back your power with a man is
    to get back “into” yourself.”
    Yep I can relate to all of that (except we broke up) and yes the only way for me is doing exactly as Rori says – getting back into myself, with myself and MAYBE with him again.



  132.  #132nikita on November 11, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    From a newsletter I get….a woman wrote this in as part of a question….referencing stuff she’s learned with her husband…..

    just wanted to share ;

    “Another thing I loved was “you gave me the gift of
    missing you” – this is one of my biggest lessons
    lately. And indeed it works – at least in our
    relationship – no matter how big a fight we have, if I
    give him this gift, he calms down more quickly and is
    very soon attracted to me again. I think it is one of
    the most important things we, women, don’t know how to
    give men – may be hard for us because we have such a
    deep need for connection and we hate to remove
    ourselves from the relationship even for a while.”

    nikita



  133.  #133alias girl on November 11, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    i like that nikita. it feels very true for me. i always want to feel CONNECTED, assured, etc.

    and as a woman that means tangible (calls, words, etc)

    for a man it seems different. i’m not sure if a man needs to remain constantly connected and if he does what that looks like for him. (if there are any men lounging about and feel like sharing about this i feel very interested.)



  134.  #134Simply Shannon on November 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    I feel agreement with that post as well Nikita. I found myself shaking my head “yes”. Never allowing a man to miss you leads to comfort. A man doesn’t love something because it’s comfortable. That would feel like being his favorite blanket. He might love the feel of it but the comfort of it isn’t what makes him want to have it every night. Any ol’ blanket will do, ya know? 🙂

    I don’t want to be taken for granted ever. The serious irony is that never allowing a man to miss me feels scary to me now. Before I believed if I left his sight for too long that he would forget about me. It’s the times I’m not with a man when he thinks about me, misses me, realizes the prize he has and wants it NOW. It’s a little reality check that he isn’t everything in my life. I’m not the blanket waiting around for him to wrap himself up in. I’ve got my own life thank you.



  135.  #135Tina on November 11, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Oh crap, Im online right now, logged on to the dating site my profile is on. A man is asking how long I’ve been single, He also asked how I was doing, I said I feel great, I said I dont feel comfortable talking about my personal dating life right now but I can appreciate him asking. He is not my “type’ as a matter of fact none of these men are my “type” I just like to date 🙂 feel my feelings.



  136.  #136Tina on November 11, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    lol he just emailed me back and said “oh, you got your heart hurt did ya?, I got to go do something, I’ll be back in twenty minutes” I was like whaaaaaaaaaa? lol to funny



  137.  #137Tina on November 11, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    This other one just copied and pasted his “about me” section in an email and sent it along with a teddy bear gif. lol



  138.  #138alias girl on November 11, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    tina i feel amused. i also feel very awed by your ability to circular date.



  139.  #139Daria on November 11, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    I feel defeated. I feel resentful.



  140.  #140alias girl on November 11, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    so i still had not been paid for a job i did back in early oct. and i would periodically email and call the snarky woman and finally she stopped responding back to me. and i went back in forth in my mind. do i pursue it or let it go? I really have a tendency to want to avoid any sort of conflict or confrontation and yet that is what got me into so much trouble with my last job.

    and i was torn. finally out of the blue i was inspired to call up the parent company (and get the run around for an hour.)

    and then i emailed snarky woman and told her i contacted such and such company. i also said, ‘i don’t want to but if i need to in order to get paid, i will file a complaint with the labor board.’

    almost immediately i was informed by someone else that a check had been issued.

    i feel good but before my inspiration to call the parent company, i just kept wanting to “let it go”. WHY? because when there is conflict i take it on as MY FAULT. somehow it is MY FAULT she is not paying me. ????

    And also, i didn’t want to keep the ick vibration active in me. so if i “let it go” then i can focus on better feeling things. but it seems my lesson is boundaries and self respect. anyway i didn’t push either solution and just let what felt right evolve. that seems to really be best for me.

    i did the work for ms snarky. i actually hustled and worked Really hard. I was respectful. i showed up on time and followed through on all my agreements i had made. I have every right, legally and otherwise to be paid.

    what a weird little twist my mind makes sometimes when people are abusive or exploititive. this company has a history of not paying people i later found out via an internet search.

    anyway i feel i am making GREAT progress in this area of my life and whatever was in me that attracted and illicited ick things in my work life seem a thing of the past. a lot of it had to do with my vibe of ‘desparation’

    maybe people could sense my desparate/kiss a**/please i need this $/ i have no other options/ i will accept poor treatment vibe

    yeah i don’t really feel that vibe so strong in me anymore.

    death doesn’t even really exist. how desperate can a situtaion really get?

    plus people have been being really sweet to me in job related ventures lately. all kinds of people. i feel very encouraged by this. aw. i feel teary. i feel grateful.



  141.  #141Daria on November 11, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Death doesn’t exist. hehe i like that.

    i have a friend who said “i don’t believe in death” he doesn’t

    he also told us that if you think about something often enough like, for 3 weeks, it will happen

    thank you crazy brave friend of mine



  142.  #142alias girl on November 11, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    YES DARIA! abraham says 30 days.

    THERE IS NO REASON NOT TO HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT IN THIS LIFE!!!! THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK IS ME AND NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!

    IF I WANT SOMETHING I JUST TALK MYSELF INTO BELIEVING IT.

    period. that’s all anyone is doing in my opinion. and anyway i need only apply it to myself. I FEEL LIKE A MAGICIAN AND WATCH WAIT WHAT WILL I PULL OUT OF MY HAT NEXT????!!!!!



  143.  #143alias girl on November 11, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    i mean i saw this study where they will PAY me for my insommnia! hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa.

    i LOVE that i keep getting paid for EXACTLY who i ALREADY AM!!! hahahahahahaha

    this was my freaking dream. hehehehehe



  144.  #144Daria on November 11, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    thas wassup ag.

    maybe this convo with my dad means we are CLOSER to getting along. hmm…

    maybe i dont have to worry about it at all

    yaaaaaah.

    i can just let myself be inspired that niki minaj is a good rapper nice



  145.  #145alias girl on November 12, 2009 at 12:02 am

    YES be inspired! let yourself be inspired. oooh that feels good to read.



  146.  #146Daria on November 12, 2009 at 12:48 am

    yum couscous



  147.  #147alias girl on November 12, 2009 at 1:27 am

    yum coscous!



  148.  #148alias girl on November 12, 2009 at 1:30 am

    i am going to up this love affair with myself and take it to a higher level.



  149.  #149Daria on November 12, 2009 at 2:17 am

    YEAH! love affair with self



  150.  #150Katja on November 12, 2009 at 2:19 am

    Paula…I just thought about that…feels a bit scary though.But also nice… 🙂



  151.  #151Tracy on November 12, 2009 at 3:31 am

    Alias,
    You go gal……totally love your post about getting your money back…..feels like so much progress…
    I love to think of death as a gateway to another dimension….so i am just going to keep on enjoying this one for the time being…



  152.  #152Flipper on November 12, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Paula, that sounds cool – a Rori Euro Meetup!

    You are indeed most likely to find lotsa sun there. Apparently, that’s how the whole idea of winter vacations in the Alps got started, well before skiing came into vogue. Some alpine hotelier made a bet with a summertime visitor, an English lord, that he’d mostly find dazzling clear sunny skies despite the snow. He came and he did, happy to lose the bet.

    I’m going to an English-speaking thingy tonight. I do feel a difference between most ‘Anglo’ men (US, UK, former Empire) and Frenchmen. The latter definitely have their Latin side, but a lot of other purely French stuff, suavité and a certain (sometimes deceptive) ease with emotions. But underneath, I feel most of the ‘men’ stuff Rori’s clued me in on apply. (It’s like, it’s not considerated effeminate to show feelings, but don’t make the mistake that they’re feeling them like a woman – their feelings and what provokes them definitely follow a masculine mode. )



  153.  #153DocK on November 12, 2009 at 7:38 am

    Loving the fun and positive energy – feels like I am floating in it : )

    Chaudemaman – I like the lineage of cougars – my father is a few years younger than my mother and when they divorced – she continued to date younger men (some much younger) and my father continued to date older women.

    Mama would tell me “you don’t worry if they’re too young – they have lots of energy.” and then she got this sneaky smile and added, “I should know.”



  154.  #154Paula on November 12, 2009 at 9:05 am

    That’s great news about the sunshine Flipper. I’m going there next week to find an apartment etc. One of my online dating guys is going to drive 800km to meet me. I feel ready to lean back and receive his attentions 🙂

    I do feel apprehensive about French society’s acceptance of infidelity in long term relationships. I feel bemused as to why these very attractive, confident french women (and sometimes men) tolerate it. It does not feel good to me at all to be in a relationship with someone who is not faithful.



  155.  #155Laura on November 12, 2009 at 9:53 am

    SOOOOOOOOOO-
    I am do to go on a 2nd date with a man I met on-line. He has been calling every day…..I do not always answer…I DO HAVE A LIFE…hee, hee.
    I have 2 questions
    1-I actually have a bit of a cold- sore throat, sniffles…no fever. But not feeling great. I would think about cancelling but it is hard for us to get together….he is a Doctor and is on call a lot. I know I should just suck it up and go. Argh…..I am resisting this circular dating, I still miss my ex LTR even though it has been a year since we have broken up. Uhm….okay….this has lapsed from a question to my whining….sorry.
    Do I go on a date with a cold or cancel?

    2. He just sent me a text saying “Can I give you a big kiss when I see you?” Now…..aside from the fact that I feel sickish (and that is not sexy) I also feel uncomfortable that he texted that to me. Am I looking for reasons to bail or is this a bit off putting to any of you girls? This is our second date! Why does he need to “go there”? Seems like he is fishing for a sexual connection. I have ignored this comment. Should I continue to ignore it or say something. Or am I just being a baby?
    HELP!
    sniffle,sniffle, cough, cough!!



  156.  #156Laura on November 12, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Date is for tonight BTW and he also, when talking on the phone last night, asked if he could sit next to me at dinner. On our first date….he got up in the middle of dinner to kiss me. He actually kissed good but I also found that uncomfortably weird. HE SEEMS NORMAL otherwise. He is a Dr. and is quite bright. But….ughhhh…..trust me, if this was my ex BF doing any of this……i would be over the moon!!
    as a side note….my main support, going through divorce and dating girl-friend just called me to tell me that she is getting married to the man she started dating when my ex and I started dating too. I am so happy for her but can’t help but feel sad that I am still single and not with the man I loved so much. I SO NEED TO MOVE ON!



  157.  #157Mary Ann on November 12, 2009 at 10:06 am

    Lovely Laura….question…why do you think he might not be normal for wanting to kiss fabulous you and sit beside fabulous you?

    Regarding your cold…if its just little sniffle you’re fine to go…but if it looks like you really should be home..it might look like leaning forward to be there…thoughts Sirens?



  158.  #158Laura on November 12, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Mary Ann-
    hmmmmmm, uhmmmmm, well…….I will ponder your question and reflect on whether or not i have walls up. And thanks for the “sistah power”…xo
    HOWEVER…I feel a bit like he is pushy….ie. controlling. On one phone conversation (just a chatty, typical early getting to know you chat) he ended it by saying “Can i ask you a favor? Will you give me a kiss over the phone?” I laughed…..and said good naturedly I hope, “uhm …no. Perhaps when i see you next.” He proceeded to send “kisses” on the phone and said, “we’ll have to work on that with you.” I am 49. I am very sexual…..and I really felt like this exchange was a few things…..1. contrived!! 2. random!! 3. queer
    4. completely out of context and 5. like he was testing me or something.
    Thoughts?



  159.  #159Mary Ann on November 12, 2009 at 11:30 am

    haha…yes now I can see why you would feel uncomfortable…the phone stuff is unusual..maybe find out what it means to him…not that you should comply at all if you don’t want to…but if it is a way to find out if you’re affectionate then you could let him know you are affectionate when you are comfortable or whatever the situation is for you.



  160.  #160Simply Shannon on November 12, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Laura: Why not tell him how you feel (i.e. sick, yucky, feels good to be bundled up in the covers on the couch) and leave it open ended so that he can decide? Maybe he would prefer to wait if you’re sick too. However – if you don’t feel like going, don’t go. “It would feel better to see you when I’m feeling healthy and can enjoy my time with you.”

    As to the kissing thing, this is where it’s good to state how I feel. “It feels weird talking about kissing. It feels good to be flirty and fun but I feel uncomfortable being affectionate this soon. What do you think?”

    Believe me, I struggle saying how I’m feeling in the moment, but this stuff is exactly what Rori is talking about. Men can be clueless about these things! 🙂 They simply aren’t mind readers and he may be doing something that worked for an old flame of his but the point is that it’s not working for you. The trick is to say it as your feelings and not about shutting him out. “It feels so good to kiss but I feel uncomfortable kissing so soon” versus “stop kissing me”. To the kissing on the phone thing, I would feel curious about him wanting to do that. “what are your reasons for asking to kiss on the phone?” or “I feel a litle silly making kissing sounds on the phone. I’d rather save those kisses for when we’re face to face.” Or just like you did, say No. Nothing wrong with saying NO.



  161.  #161nikita on November 12, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Doctor Kiss cannot have a kiss because he could catch a cold…..wouldn’t want to expose his patients…
    Solved.
    He’ll have earn his kiss by nursing you back to health.

    Sometimes we make ourselves sick to avoid things….moving out of our comfort zone…..or letting go of the past…..or to self sabotage our circular dating process…..I’d go…..I’d warn him…..and be transparent about how I’m feeling….better to cut the date short and let him take you home then cancel when he’s cleared his schedule……Just my feelings….
    but.

    Linda…..do whatever feels good 😉



  162.  #162Laura on November 12, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Thanks girls! It feels good to have your support! SS-I laughed out loud when you mentioned “feeling weird to make kissing noises on the phone.”!! That is EXACTLY how I feel and you are probably right about his using this “technique” with better “success” in the past. Think I will go on this date……unless I feel more fluish later….and get a better handle on this man. Feeling statements, feeling statements…….and when all else fails “no” is a complete sentence! or “no thank-you.” lol
    Okay…I got it. For now……



  163.  #163Laura on November 12, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Ahhhhhh Nikita-
    Wise and insightful!! Perhaps sickness is self-sab.
    Thanks so much for sharing that! I am going! I am….definitely! No kissing Doctor Date…..would be a public hazard….at least to his patients.
    I am ready….will be transparent and open to the possibility of good things!
    Big germ free hug to you all!!



  164.  #164Rori Raye on November 12, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    ABC – This is FANTASTIC! You’re catching yourself, and going through the process – I promise you, if you keep doing what you’re doing, this will all get so much better – you’ll see! Love, Rori (I’m going to jump off of this…



  165.  #165Rori Raye on November 12, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Love you back, loveurori, Rori



  166.  #166Flipper on November 12, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Paula, from what I sense around me and from the recent literature (articles, surveys, books, stats), infidelity in France isn’t what it used to be. Nor is fidelity in the US, for that matter. There seems to be a lot more alignment these days. The older generations of men often still have their (bad) habits, but the younger wives do not put up with what their mothers did, so the younger husbands tend to better toe the line or Madame is outta there. The men remarry, the women ar far less likely to (been there, done that – they want something better(?) for themselves). As elsewhere, women’s infidelity is on the rise. Divorce is almost as common as the US; what’s different is that so many people don’t get married in the first place, even when they have children together and are in long-term relationships. The thirty-somethings seem to have a harder time finding soulmates, but isn’t that an international phenomenon?



  167.  #167Linda on November 12, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Uhto… I broke my rule (guideline)lol… I wrote the most gorgeous looking man I have seen online in a long time.

    Maybe he will write me back, if not… I can just drool! It felt good to write him. so…. I did it!

    Hugs… Linda



  168.  #168nikita on November 12, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    How was your date??????



  169.  #169Kaitlyn on November 13, 2009 at 12:04 am

    Laura, ignore his queerball text question and go on the date anyway. Dude does sound needy with the affection, though. ew.



  170.  #170tinque on November 13, 2009 at 9:13 am

    From what I’ve read infidelity is about equal between men and women, around 51% of men cheat against 49% of women.
    Strangely I have never been cheated on, but K was cheated on twice and not when he was younger.
    I’m not so sure it’s more prevalent elsewhere, maybe in countries where women are more repressed than in the US or Europe.
    Happy Friday the 13th everyone. It’s good luck.
    xxoo



  171.  #171Kate on November 13, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Hi Ladies-Rori. I just stumbled onto this Rori phenominon this week and all I can say it whew ! Thank God- I have been taking my own vices or issues as a direction for my relationship and I’m so grateful that not on ly Rori is in my life now but that you fab sirens are here for yourself but also affecting me with reminders,support and love. Just a quicky to get you all up to speed. Been seperated since last feb. and living on my own, rebounded with a man that is not fully out of his dead end relationship either-bad move- but he made me feel sexy,desired, wanted and also bad, worthless, no enough etc..so recently in the process of over doing and clenching on to him with both fists expressing every word in the earth’s dictionary to his face this week. I told him not to call becasue every time I do this with him he some how calls, emails and I fall right back in. We do have to see eachother every week. I purchased Rori’s e-book yesterday and started reading it. I already feel better and more powerful, I feel desirable, I feel strong, I feel secure. As far as this posting with online dating…well Im online dating. I have been the one mutually to contact the guy and find myself obsessing online throughout the day to see who has contacted me or responded to my contacts. WRONG- I will lean back-and allow them to contact me. I feel like I don’t have to express my boy energy becasue my self control is so wonderful that I don;t have to control them. I’m not sure if I’m explaining that one right-but I get it. I hope I can share more and get feedback- is there a forum ??? BTW I don;t have the money to purchase the other products but I feel I will have a great start with the book and readings from those lovelies that have gone before me-
    Kate



  172.  #172Rori Raye on November 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Kate, Welcome, and thank you for the great comment. Until I get a forum together – this is the forum! The threads seem to hold together when you get the RSS feed of the comments in your mailbox…You’re doing great – just practice and practice and practice 24/7 EVERYTHING in the book – and that will get you to a totally new place, plus everything that’s on here and that we’re doing here together. Love, Rori



  173.  #173Sandra on November 15, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks for the reply. I thought about what you said, and though I don’t think I am desperate, I am still not with a great guy, so I am going to take your advice and just “lean back”. I am trying to “get it” that it matters what you are doing because that energy is picked up even though you don’t see how it could be.

    Thanks again, Rori! You are fantastic!



  174.  #174Kate on November 17, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Thank you Rori for your reply !!! I feel relieved !



  175.  #175ShaShaFierce on November 19, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    There is nothing wrong with shooting him a quick hi, how are you my name is kind of email. I am all about meeting online. My current boyfriend contacted me first online last Thanksgiving. I did not contact him back for two days but once I did I knew this was different. We met a week later and although we took it extremely slow (he is divorced with two kids) we knew almost imediately that we had met our match. We are now planning a July wedding. My advise take it slow, let him call or text you. Make him miss you and wonder where you are. It might feel weird or like you are playing a game but they respond better when you are not as available. I wanted to call him and write him a million times and instead I would call or write a friend I even started taking classes online to occupy my time. It will all work out just as it should. Good luck to you…



  176.  #176Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    ShaShaFierce – Welcome and thank you for your great comment. Love, Rori